Wikiquote enwikiquote https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Main_Page MediaWiki 1.39.0-wmf.26 first-letter Media Special Talk User User talk Wikiquote Wikiquote talk File File talk MediaWiki MediaWiki talk Template Template talk Help Help talk Category Category talk TimedText TimedText talk Module Module talk Gadget Gadget talk Gadget definition Gadget definition talk 0 966 3157936 3154193 2022-08-25T21:10:18Z 205.237.131.3 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Finding Nemo|Finding Nemo]]''''' is a 2003 American computer-animated film produced by [[w:Pixar|Pixar Animation Studios]] for [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] on May 30, 2003. It tells the story of the overly protective [[w:clownfish|clownfish]] Marlin, voiced by [[w:Albert Brooks|Albert Brooks]], who along with a [[w:Paracanthurus hepatus|regal tang]] named Dory, voiced by [[Ellen DeGeneres]], searches for his son Nemo, voiced by [[w:Alexander Gould|Alexander Gould]]. Along the way he learns to take risks and that his son is capable of taking care of himself. :''Directed by [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] and [[w:Lee Unkrich|Lee Unkrich]]. Story and Screenplay by [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]].'' {{center|'''There Are 3.7 Trillion Fish In The Ocean. They're Looking For One.'''}} == Dialogue == :'''Bruce''': Fish are friends, not food. :'''Anchor''': Except stinkin' dolphins. :'''Chum''': Dolphins! Yeah, they think they're so cute! ''[mocks a dolphin]'' "Oh, look at me, I'm a flippy little dolphin, let me flip for you! Ain't I something?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Marlin''': There was this mollusk, and he walks up to this sea cucumbers. Normally, they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke everyone talks. So, the sea mollusk says to the cucumber… :''[sees the mask]'' :'''Nemo''': Daddy! :'''Marlin''': Nemo! :'''Chum''': Nemo! Ha ha! Nemo… I don't get it. :'''Bruce''': For a clownfish, he's not that funny. :'''Marlin''': No, no, no, he's my son. He was taken by these divers. :'''Dory''': Oh, you poor fish... :'''Chum''': Humans! Think they own everything. :'''Anchor''': Probably American! :'''Bruce''': Now, there is a father looking for his little boy. :'''Marlin''': What do these markings mean? :'''Bruce''': I never knew my father! :'''Anchor''': Come on, group hug. :'''Chum''': We're all still here mate. :'''Marlin''': I can't read human. :'''Dory''': Well, then we got to find a fish that can read this. Hey, look, sharks. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dory''': Whoa. Nice trench. ''[echoing]'' Hello! Okay, let's go. :'''Marlin''': Bad trench, bad trench. Come on, we're going to swim over this thing. ''[starts to swim over]'' :'''Dory''': Whoa, whoa, partner. Little red flag going up. Something's telling me we should swim through it, not over it. :'''Marlin''': ''[comes back]'' Are you looking at this thing? It's got death all over it! :'''Dory''': I'm sorry. But I really, really, really think we should swim through. :'''Marlin''': And I am really, really done talking about this! Over we go! :'''Dory''': Come on, trust me on this. :'''Marlin''': Trust you? :'''Dory''': Yes, trust. It's what friends do. :'''Marlin''': ...Look, something's shiny! :'''Dory''': Where?! :'''Marlin''': Oh, it just swam over the trench! Come on, follow me. :'''Dory''': Okay! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dory''': How about we play a game? :'''Marlin''': All right. :'''Dory''': Okay, I'm thinking of something orange, and small... :'''Marlin''': It's me. :'''Dory''': Right! ''[later]'' I'm thinking of something orange and small... :'''Marlin''': It's me. :'''Dory''': All right, Mr. Smarty-pants... ''[later still]'' It's orange and small, and white stripes... :'''Marlin''': Me, and the next one's just a guess, me. :'''Dory''': Okay, that's just scary. :'''Marlin''': Wait, wait, wait. I have definitely seen this floating speck before. That means we've passed it before. And that means we're going circles. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dory''': ''[swims upside down]'' C'mon! You gotta try this! :'''Marlin''': Will you just stop it?! :'''Dory''': Why? What's wrong? :'''Marlin''': We're in a whale, don't you get it?! :'''Dory''': A whale? :'''Marlin''': A whale!! Because you asked for help, and now we're stuck here! :'''Dory''': ''[looks around her]'' Wow. A whale. You know, I speak whale-- :'''Marlin''': No, you're insane! You can't speak whale! I have to get out! ''[bumps into the whale's baleen]'' I have to find my son! ''[bumps again]'' I have to tell him... ''[bumps repeatedly]'' ...how, old, sea, turtles, are! <hr width=50%/> :'''Marlin''': But, but, dude. How do you know when they're ready? :'''Crush''': Well, you never really know, you know, but when they know, you'll know, ya know? <hr width=50%/> :'''Dory''': Have you seen an orange fish swim by? It looks just like them. ''[points at Nemo]'' :'''Nemo''': But bigger! :'''Crab''': Yeah, I saw him, Bluey. But I'm not telling you where he went, and there's no way you're gonna make me! :''[Dory glares at the crab, then holds him out of water for the seagulls to see]'' :'''Seagull''': Mine! :'''Crab''': All right, all right! I'll talk, I'll talk! He went to the fishing grounds! :'''Seagulls''': Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine! <hr width=50%/> :''[hundreds of seagulls surround Marlin and Dory]'' :'''Seagull''': Mine. :'''Nigel''': ''[quiet and controlled]'' Okay. Don't make any sudden moves. Hop inside my mouth, if you want to live. :'''Marlin''': "Hop in your mouth," huh? And how does that make me live? :'''Seagull''': Mine? :'''Nigel''': Because I can take you to your son. :'''Marlin''': Yeah, right. :'''Nigel''': No. I know your son. He's small and orange, he has a gimpy fin on one side. :'''Marlin''': That's Nemo! :''[the seagulls suddenly attack]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Bloat''': Nemo, newcomer of orange and white, you have been called forth to the top of Mount Wannahockaloogie to join with us, in the fraternal bonds... of tankhood. :'''Nemo''': Huh? :'''Peach''': We want you in our club, kid. :'''Nemo''': Really? :'''Bloat''': If you are able to swim through, the Ring of Fire!!!! ''[nothing happens]'' Turn on the Ring of Fire! The Ring of Fire! :''[Jacques suddenly comes to attention]'' :'''Jacques''': Sorry! :'''Bloat''': You said you could do this! :''[bubbles explode out of the top of Wannahockaloogie Mountain]'' :'''Bloat''': The Ring of Fire! == About ''Finding Nemo'' == * By far the biggest challenge was getting the water right. Water has always been a Holy Grail for CG animators because it’s not a fixed medium, it’s constantly shifting and changing. :* [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] in [http://www.indielondon.co.uk/film/finding_nemo_stanton_unkrich.html "Finding Nemo - An interview with Andrew Stanton and Lee Unkrich"] by Graeme Kay, ''Indie London''. * Way back during the first beginnings of [[Toy Story]], believe it or not. I was at an aquarium, and I was new to computer graphics, and I remember just looking at the underwater environment and thinking we could mimic this exactly in computer graphics. : So that was on the back burner of my brain all through Toy Story and [[A Bug's Life]] and [[Toy Story 2]]. I kept thinking about what story I'd want to tell in an underwater setting, and I remembered this dentist's office that I went to as a kid. It had a tank in the lobby, and I used to think about whether those fish wanted to go home, and what it must be like to be in this tacky little tank with a treasure chest, and a scuba diver. All those kind of things. :* Andrew Stanton in [http://www.bbc.co.uk/films/2003/09/30/andrew_stanton_lee_unkrich_finding_nemo_interview.shtml "Andrew Stanton Lee Unkrich Finding Nemo Interview"], by Nev Pierce ''BBC'', 09/30/2003. == Voice cast == *[[w:Alexander Gould|Alexander Gould]] - Nemo *[[w:Albert Brooks|Albert Brooks]] - Marlin *[[Ellen DeGeneres]] - Dory *[[Willem Dafoe]] - Gill *[[Brad Garrett]] - Bloat *[[w:Austin Pendleton|Austin Pendleton]] - Gurgle *[[w:Stephen Root|Stephen Root]] - Bubbles *[[w:Vicki Lewis|Vicki Lewis]] - Deb (and "Flo", Deb's reflection) *[[w:Joe Ranft|Joe Ranft]] - Jacques *[[w:Allison Janney|Allison Janney]] - Peach *[[Geoffrey Rush]] - Nigel *[[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] - Fish School *[[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] - Crush *[[w:Nicholas Bird|Nicholas Bird]] - Squirt *[[w:Bob Peterson (filmmaker)|Bob Peterson]] - Mr. Ray *[[Barry Humphries]] - Bruce *[[w:Eric Bana|Eric Bana]] - Anchor *[[w:Bruce Spence|Bruce Spence]] - Chum *[[w:Jordy Ranft|Jordy Ranft]] - Tad *[[w:Erica Beck|Erica Beck]] - Pearl *[[w:Erik Per Sullivan|Erik Per Sullivan]] - Sheldon *[[w:Bill Hunter (actor)|Bill Hunter]] - Dentist Philip Sherman *[[w:LuLu Ebeling|LuLu Ebeling]] - Darla Sherman *[[w:Elizabeth Perkins|Elizabeth Perkins]] - Coral *[[w:Rove McManus|Rove McManus]] - Crab *[[w:Carlos Alazraqui|Carlos Alazraqui]] - Phil *[[w:Phil Proctor|Phil Proctor]] - Bob *[[w:James Kevin Ward|Jim Ward]] - Ted ==See also== * [[Finding Dory]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|0266543}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|finding_nemo}} [[Category:2003 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Computer-animated films]] [[Category:Animated adventure films]] [[Category:Animated comedy films]] [[Category:Animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Andrew Stanton films]] [[Category:Lee Unkrich films]] [[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Films about fish]] [[Category:Screenplays by Andrew Stanton]] nlb2thws99je8nq47iijiafdk24whcy 3157939 3157936 2022-08-25T21:17:42Z 205.237.131.3 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Finding Nemo|Finding Nemo]]''''' is a 2003 American computer-animated film produced by [[w:Pixar|Pixar Animation Studios]] for [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] on May 30, 2003. It tells the story of the overly protective [[w:clownfish|clownfish]] Marlin, voiced by [[w:Albert Brooks|Albert Brooks]], who along with a [[w:Paracanthurus hepatus|regal tang]] named Dory, voiced by [[Ellen DeGeneres]], searches for his son Nemo, voiced by [[w:Alexander Gould|Alexander Gould]]. Along the way he learns to take risks and that his son is capable of taking care of himself. :''Directed by [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] and [[w:Lee Unkrich|Lee Unkrich]]. Story and Screenplay by [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]].'' {{center|'''There Are 3.7 Trillion Fish In The Ocean. They're Looking For One.'''}} == Dialogue == :'''Bruce''': Fish are friends, not food. :'''Anchor''': Except stinkin' dolphins. :'''Chum''': Dolphins! Yeah, they think they're so cute! ''[mocks a dolphin]'' "Oh, look at me, I'm a flippy little dolphin, let me flip for you! Ain't I something?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Anchor''': A clownfish? Really? '''Bruce''': Go on. Tell us a joke. '''Chum''': I love jokes. '''Marlin''': There was this mollusk, and he walks up to this sea cucumbers. Normally, they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke everyone talks. So, the sea mollusk says to the cucumber… :''[sees the mask]'' :'''Nemo''': Daddy! :'''Marlin''': Nemo! :'''Chum''': Nemo! Ha ha! Nemo… I don't get it. :'''Bruce''': For a clownfish, he's not that funny. :'''Marlin''': No, no, no, he's my son. He was taken by these divers. :'''Dory''': Oh, you poor fish... :'''Chum''': Humans! Think they own everything. :'''Anchor''': Probably American! :'''Bruce''': Now, there is a father looking for his little boy. :'''Marlin''': What do these markings mean? :'''Bruce''': I never knew my father! :'''Anchor''': Come on, group hug. :'''Chum''': We're all still here mate. :'''Marlin''': I can't read human. :'''Dory''': Well, then we got to find a fish that can read this. Hey, look, sharks. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dory''': Hey, wait up partner! Hold on! Wait, wait wait! I gotta tell you something. Whoa. Nice trench. ''[echoing]'' Hello! Okay, let's go. :'''Marlin''': Bad trench, bad trench. Come on, we're going to swim over this thing. ''[starts to swim over]'' :'''Dory''': Whoa, whoa, partner. Little red flag going up. Something's telling me we should swim through it, not over it. :'''Marlin''': ''[comes back]'' Are you looking at this thing? It's got death all over it! :'''Dory''': I'm sorry. But I really, really, really think we should swim through. :'''Marlin''': And I am really, really done talking about this! Over we go! :'''Dory''': Come on, trust me on this. :'''Marlin''': Trust you? :'''Dory''': Yes, trust. It's what friends do. :'''Marlin''': ...Look, something's shiny! :'''Dory''': Where?! :'''Marlin''': Oh, it just swam over the trench! Come on, follow me. :'''Dory''': Okay! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dory''': How about we play a game? :'''Marlin''': All right. :'''Dory''': Okay, I'm thinking of something orange, and small... :'''Marlin''': It's me. :'''Dory''': Right! ''[later]'' I'm thinking of something orange and small... :'''Marlin''': It's me. :'''Dory''': All right, Mr. Smarty-pants... ''[later still]'' It's orange and small, and white stripes... :'''Marlin''': Me, and the next one's just a guess, me. :'''Dory''': Okay, that's just scary. :'''Marlin''': Wait, wait, wait. I have definitely seen this floating speck before. That means we've passed it before. And that means we're going circles. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dory''': ''[swims upside down]'' C'mon! You gotta try this! :'''Marlin''': Will you just stop it?! :'''Dory''': Why? What's wrong? :'''Marlin''': We're in a whale, don't you get it?! :'''Dory''': A whale? :'''Marlin''': A whale!! Because you asked for help, and now we're stuck here! :'''Dory''': ''[looks around her]'' Wow. A whale. You know, I speak whale-- :'''Marlin''': No, you're insane! You can't speak whale! I have to get out! ''[bumps into the whale's baleen]'' I have to find my son! ''[bumps again]'' I have to tell him... ''[bumps repeatedly]'' ...how, old, sea, turtles, are! <hr width=50%/> :'''Marlin''': But, but, dude. How do you know when they're ready? :'''Crush''': Well, you never really know, you know, but when they know, you'll know, ya know? <hr width=50%/> :'''Dory''': Have you seen an orange fish swim by? It looks just like them. ''[points at Nemo]'' :'''Nemo''': But bigger! :'''Crab''': Yeah, I saw him, Bluey. But I'm not telling you where he went, and there's no way you're gonna make me! :''[Dory glares at the crab, then holds him out of water for the seagulls to see]'' :'''Seagull''': Mine! :'''Crab''': All right, all right! I'll talk, I'll talk! He went to the fishing grounds! :'''Seagulls''': Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine! <hr width=50%/> :''[hundreds of seagulls surround Marlin and Dory]'' :'''Seagull''': Mine. :'''Nigel''': ''[quiet and controlled]'' Okay. Don't make any sudden moves. Hop inside my mouth, if you want to live. :'''Marlin''': "Hop in your mouth," huh? And how does that make me live? :'''Seagull''': Mine? :'''Nigel''': Because I can take you to your son. :'''Marlin''': Yeah, right. :'''Nigel''': No. I know your son. He's small and orange, he has a gimpy fin on one side. :'''Marlin''': That's Nemo! :''[the seagulls suddenly attack]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Bloat''': Nemo, newcomer of orange and white, you have been called forth to the top of Mount Wannahockaloogie to join with us, in the fraternal bonds... of tankhood. :'''Nemo''': Huh? :'''Peach''': We want you in our club, kid. :'''Nemo''': Really? :'''Bloat''': If you are able to swim through, the Ring of Fire!!!! ''[nothing happens]'' Turn on the Ring of Fire! The Ring of Fire! :''[Jacques suddenly comes to attention]'' :'''Jacques''': Sorry! :'''Bloat''': You said you could do this! :''[bubbles explode out of the top of Wannahockaloogie Mountain]'' :'''Bloat''': The Ring of Fire! == About ''Finding Nemo'' == * By far the biggest challenge was getting the water right. Water has always been a Holy Grail for CG animators because it’s not a fixed medium, it’s constantly shifting and changing. :* [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] in [http://www.indielondon.co.uk/film/finding_nemo_stanton_unkrich.html "Finding Nemo - An interview with Andrew Stanton and Lee Unkrich"] by Graeme Kay, ''Indie London''. * Way back during the first beginnings of [[Toy Story]], believe it or not. I was at an aquarium, and I was new to computer graphics, and I remember just looking at the underwater environment and thinking we could mimic this exactly in computer graphics. : So that was on the back burner of my brain all through Toy Story and [[A Bug's Life]] and [[Toy Story 2]]. I kept thinking about what story I'd want to tell in an underwater setting, and I remembered this dentist's office that I went to as a kid. It had a tank in the lobby, and I used to think about whether those fish wanted to go home, and what it must be like to be in this tacky little tank with a treasure chest, and a scuba diver. All those kind of things. :* Andrew Stanton in [http://www.bbc.co.uk/films/2003/09/30/andrew_stanton_lee_unkrich_finding_nemo_interview.shtml "Andrew Stanton Lee Unkrich Finding Nemo Interview"], by Nev Pierce ''BBC'', 09/30/2003. == Voice cast == *[[w:Alexander Gould|Alexander Gould]] - Nemo *[[w:Albert Brooks|Albert Brooks]] - Marlin *[[Ellen DeGeneres]] - Dory *[[Willem Dafoe]] - Gill *[[Brad Garrett]] - Bloat *[[w:Austin Pendleton|Austin Pendleton]] - Gurgle *[[w:Stephen Root|Stephen Root]] - Bubbles *[[w:Vicki Lewis|Vicki Lewis]] - Deb (and "Flo", Deb's reflection) *[[w:Joe Ranft|Joe Ranft]] - Jacques *[[w:Allison Janney|Allison Janney]] - Peach *[[Geoffrey Rush]] - Nigel *[[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] - Fish School *[[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] - Crush *[[w:Nicholas Bird|Nicholas Bird]] - Squirt *[[w:Bob Peterson (filmmaker)|Bob Peterson]] - Mr. Ray *[[Barry Humphries]] - Bruce *[[w:Eric Bana|Eric Bana]] - Anchor *[[w:Bruce Spence|Bruce Spence]] - Chum *[[w:Jordy Ranft|Jordy Ranft]] - Tad *[[w:Erica Beck|Erica Beck]] - Pearl *[[w:Erik Per Sullivan|Erik Per Sullivan]] - Sheldon *[[w:Bill Hunter (actor)|Bill Hunter]] - Dentist Philip Sherman *[[w:LuLu Ebeling|LuLu Ebeling]] - Darla Sherman *[[w:Elizabeth Perkins|Elizabeth Perkins]] - Coral *[[w:Rove McManus|Rove McManus]] - Crab *[[w:Carlos Alazraqui|Carlos Alazraqui]] - Phil *[[w:Phil Proctor|Phil Proctor]] - Bob *[[w:James Kevin Ward|Jim Ward]] - Ted ==See also== * [[Finding Dory]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|0266543}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|finding_nemo}} [[Category:2003 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Computer-animated films]] [[Category:Animated adventure films]] [[Category:Animated comedy films]] [[Category:Animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Andrew Stanton films]] [[Category:Lee Unkrich films]] [[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Films about fish]] [[Category:Screenplays by Andrew Stanton]] 6plixcm2el8tfyj6o8b9zo21jh11a9c 3157940 3157939 2022-08-25T21:18:14Z 205.237.131.3 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Finding Nemo|Finding Nemo]]''''' is a 2003 American computer-animated film produced by [[w:Pixar|Pixar Animation Studios]] for [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] on May 30, 2003. It tells the story of the overly protective [[w:clownfish|clownfish]] Marlin, voiced by [[w:Albert Brooks|Albert Brooks]], who along with a [[w:Paracanthurus hepatus|regal tang]] named Dory, voiced by [[Ellen DeGeneres]], searches for his son Nemo, voiced by [[w:Alexander Gould|Alexander Gould]]. Along the way he learns to take risks and that his son is capable of taking care of himself. :''Directed by [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] and [[w:Lee Unkrich|Lee Unkrich]]. Story and Screenplay by [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]].'' {{center|'''There Are 3.7 Trillion Fish In The Ocean. They're Looking For One.'''}} == Dialogue == :'''Bruce''': Fish are friends, not food. :'''Anchor''': Except stinkin' dolphins. :'''Chum''': Dolphins! Yeah, they think they're so cute! ''[mocks a dolphin]'' "Oh, look at me, I'm a flippy little dolphin, let me flip for you! Ain't I something?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Anchor''': A clownfish? Really? :'''Bruce''': Go on. Tell us a joke. :'''Chum''': I love jokes. :'''Marlin''': There was this mollusk, and he walks up to this sea cucumbers. Normally, they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke everyone talks. So, the sea mollusk says to the cucumber… :''[sees the mask]'' :'''Nemo''': Daddy! :'''Marlin''': Nemo! :'''Chum''': Nemo! Ha ha! Nemo… I don't get it. :'''Bruce''': For a clownfish, he's not that funny. :'''Marlin''': No, no, no, he's my son. He was taken by these divers. :'''Dory''': Oh, you poor fish... :'''Chum''': Humans! Think they own everything. :'''Anchor''': Probably American! :'''Bruce''': Now, there is a father looking for his little boy. :'''Marlin''': What do these markings mean? :'''Bruce''': I never knew my father! :'''Anchor''': Come on, group hug. :'''Chum''': We're all still here mate. :'''Marlin''': I can't read human. :'''Dory''': Well, then we got to find a fish that can read this. Hey, look, sharks. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dory''': Hey, wait up partner! Hold on! Wait, wait wait! I gotta tell you something. Whoa. Nice trench. ''[echoing]'' Hello! Okay, let's go. :'''Marlin''': Bad trench, bad trench. Come on, we're going to swim over this thing. ''[starts to swim over]'' :'''Dory''': Whoa, whoa, partner. Little red flag going up. Something's telling me we should swim through it, not over it. :'''Marlin''': ''[comes back]'' Are you looking at this thing? It's got death all over it! :'''Dory''': I'm sorry. But I really, really, really think we should swim through. :'''Marlin''': And I am really, really done talking about this! Over we go! :'''Dory''': Come on, trust me on this. :'''Marlin''': Trust you? :'''Dory''': Yes, trust. It's what friends do. :'''Marlin''': ...Look, something's shiny! :'''Dory''': Where?! :'''Marlin''': Oh, it just swam over the trench! Come on, follow me. :'''Dory''': Okay! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dory''': How about we play a game? :'''Marlin''': All right. :'''Dory''': Okay, I'm thinking of something orange, and small... :'''Marlin''': It's me. :'''Dory''': Right! ''[later]'' I'm thinking of something orange and small... :'''Marlin''': It's me. :'''Dory''': All right, Mr. Smarty-pants... ''[later still]'' It's orange and small, and white stripes... :'''Marlin''': Me, and the next one's just a guess, me. :'''Dory''': Okay, that's just scary. :'''Marlin''': Wait, wait, wait. I have definitely seen this floating speck before. That means we've passed it before. And that means we're going circles. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dory''': ''[swims upside down]'' C'mon! You gotta try this! :'''Marlin''': Will you just stop it?! :'''Dory''': Why? What's wrong? :'''Marlin''': We're in a whale, don't you get it?! :'''Dory''': A whale? :'''Marlin''': A whale!! Because you asked for help, and now we're stuck here! :'''Dory''': ''[looks around her]'' Wow. A whale. You know, I speak whale-- :'''Marlin''': No, you're insane! You can't speak whale! I have to get out! ''[bumps into the whale's baleen]'' I have to find my son! ''[bumps again]'' I have to tell him... ''[bumps repeatedly]'' ...how, old, sea, turtles, are! <hr width=50%/> :'''Marlin''': But, but, dude. How do you know when they're ready? :'''Crush''': Well, you never really know, you know, but when they know, you'll know, ya know? <hr width=50%/> :'''Dory''': Have you seen an orange fish swim by? It looks just like them. ''[points at Nemo]'' :'''Nemo''': But bigger! :'''Crab''': Yeah, I saw him, Bluey. But I'm not telling you where he went, and there's no way you're gonna make me! :''[Dory glares at the crab, then holds him out of water for the seagulls to see]'' :'''Seagull''': Mine! :'''Crab''': All right, all right! I'll talk, I'll talk! He went to the fishing grounds! :'''Seagulls''': Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine! <hr width=50%/> :''[hundreds of seagulls surround Marlin and Dory]'' :'''Seagull''': Mine. :'''Nigel''': ''[quiet and controlled]'' Okay. Don't make any sudden moves. Hop inside my mouth, if you want to live. :'''Marlin''': "Hop in your mouth," huh? And how does that make me live? :'''Seagull''': Mine? :'''Nigel''': Because I can take you to your son. :'''Marlin''': Yeah, right. :'''Nigel''': No. I know your son. He's small and orange, he has a gimpy fin on one side. :'''Marlin''': That's Nemo! :''[the seagulls suddenly attack]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Bloat''': Nemo, newcomer of orange and white, you have been called forth to the top of Mount Wannahockaloogie to join with us, in the fraternal bonds... of tankhood. :'''Nemo''': Huh? :'''Peach''': We want you in our club, kid. :'''Nemo''': Really? :'''Bloat''': If you are able to swim through, the Ring of Fire!!!! ''[nothing happens]'' Turn on the Ring of Fire! The Ring of Fire! :''[Jacques suddenly comes to attention]'' :'''Jacques''': Sorry! :'''Bloat''': You said you could do this! :''[bubbles explode out of the top of Wannahockaloogie Mountain]'' :'''Bloat''': The Ring of Fire! == About ''Finding Nemo'' == * By far the biggest challenge was getting the water right. Water has always been a Holy Grail for CG animators because it’s not a fixed medium, it’s constantly shifting and changing. :* [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] in [http://www.indielondon.co.uk/film/finding_nemo_stanton_unkrich.html "Finding Nemo - An interview with Andrew Stanton and Lee Unkrich"] by Graeme Kay, ''Indie London''. * Way back during the first beginnings of [[Toy Story]], believe it or not. I was at an aquarium, and I was new to computer graphics, and I remember just looking at the underwater environment and thinking we could mimic this exactly in computer graphics. : So that was on the back burner of my brain all through Toy Story and [[A Bug's Life]] and [[Toy Story 2]]. I kept thinking about what story I'd want to tell in an underwater setting, and I remembered this dentist's office that I went to as a kid. It had a tank in the lobby, and I used to think about whether those fish wanted to go home, and what it must be like to be in this tacky little tank with a treasure chest, and a scuba diver. All those kind of things. :* Andrew Stanton in [http://www.bbc.co.uk/films/2003/09/30/andrew_stanton_lee_unkrich_finding_nemo_interview.shtml "Andrew Stanton Lee Unkrich Finding Nemo Interview"], by Nev Pierce ''BBC'', 09/30/2003. == Voice cast == *[[w:Alexander Gould|Alexander Gould]] - Nemo *[[w:Albert Brooks|Albert Brooks]] - Marlin *[[Ellen DeGeneres]] - Dory *[[Willem Dafoe]] - Gill *[[Brad Garrett]] - Bloat *[[w:Austin Pendleton|Austin Pendleton]] - Gurgle *[[w:Stephen Root|Stephen Root]] - Bubbles *[[w:Vicki Lewis|Vicki Lewis]] - Deb (and "Flo", Deb's reflection) *[[w:Joe Ranft|Joe Ranft]] - Jacques *[[w:Allison Janney|Allison Janney]] - Peach *[[Geoffrey Rush]] - Nigel *[[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] - Fish School *[[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] - Crush *[[w:Nicholas Bird|Nicholas Bird]] - Squirt *[[w:Bob Peterson (filmmaker)|Bob Peterson]] - Mr. Ray *[[Barry Humphries]] - Bruce *[[w:Eric Bana|Eric Bana]] - Anchor *[[w:Bruce Spence|Bruce Spence]] - Chum *[[w:Jordy Ranft|Jordy Ranft]] - Tad *[[w:Erica Beck|Erica Beck]] - Pearl *[[w:Erik Per Sullivan|Erik Per Sullivan]] - Sheldon *[[w:Bill Hunter (actor)|Bill Hunter]] - Dentist Philip Sherman *[[w:LuLu Ebeling|LuLu Ebeling]] - Darla Sherman *[[w:Elizabeth Perkins|Elizabeth Perkins]] - Coral *[[w:Rove McManus|Rove McManus]] - Crab *[[w:Carlos Alazraqui|Carlos Alazraqui]] - Phil *[[w:Phil Proctor|Phil Proctor]] - Bob *[[w:James Kevin Ward|Jim Ward]] - Ted ==See also== * [[Finding Dory]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|0266543}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|finding_nemo}} [[Category:2003 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Computer-animated films]] [[Category:Animated adventure films]] [[Category:Animated comedy films]] [[Category:Animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Andrew Stanton films]] [[Category:Lee Unkrich films]] [[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Films about fish]] [[Category:Screenplays by Andrew Stanton]] ekl229y28cgvhcsqmc070gol6dtqabe 3157942 3157940 2022-08-25T21:19:30Z 205.237.131.3 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Finding Nemo|Finding Nemo]]''''' is a 2003 American computer-animated film produced by [[w:Pixar|Pixar Animation Studios]] for [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] on May 30, 2003. It tells the story of the overly protective [[w:clownfish|clownfish]] Marlin, voiced by [[w:Albert Brooks|Albert Brooks]], who along with a [[w:Paracanthurus hepatus|regal tang]] named Dory, voiced by [[Ellen DeGeneres]], searches for his son Nemo, voiced by [[w:Alexander Gould|Alexander Gould]]. Along the way he learns to take risks and that his son is capable of taking care of himself. :''Directed by [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] and [[w:Lee Unkrich|Lee Unkrich]]. Story and Screenplay by [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]].'' {{center|'''There Are 3.7 Trillion Fish In The Ocean. They're Looking For One.'''}} == Dialogue == :'''Bruce''': Fish are friends, not food. :'''Anchor''': Except stinkin' dolphins. :'''Chum''': Dolphins! Yeah, they think they're so cute! ''[mocks a dolphin]'' "Oh, look at me, I'm a flippy little dolphin, let me flip for you! Ain't I something?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Anchor''': A clownfish? Really? :'''Bruce''': Go on. Tell us a joke. :'''Chum''': I love jokes. :'''Marlin''': I actually do know one that’s pretty good. There was this mollusk, and he walks up to this sea cucumbers. Normally, they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke everyone talks. So, the sea mollusk says to the cucumber… :''[sees the mask]'' :'''Nemo''': Daddy! :'''Marlin''': Nemo! :'''Chum''': Nemo! Ha ha! Nemo… I don't get it. :'''Bruce''': For a clownfish, he's not that funny. :'''Marlin''': No, no, no, he's my son. He was taken by these divers. :'''Dory''': Oh, you poor fish... :'''Chum''': Humans! Think they own everything. :'''Anchor''': Probably American! :'''Bruce''': Now, there is a father looking for his little boy. :'''Marlin''': What do these markings mean? :'''Bruce''': I never knew my father! :'''Anchor''': Come on, group hug. :'''Chum''': We're all still here mate. :'''Marlin''': I can't read human. :'''Dory''': Well, then we got to find a fish that can read this. Hey, look, sharks. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dory''': Hey, wait up partner! Hold on! Wait, wait wait! I gotta tell you something. Whoa. Nice trench. ''[echoing]'' Hello! Okay, let's go. :'''Marlin''': Bad trench, bad trench. Come on, we're going to swim over this thing. ''[starts to swim over]'' :'''Dory''': Whoa, whoa, partner. Little red flag going up. Something's telling me we should swim through it, not over it. :'''Marlin''': ''[comes back]'' Are you looking at this thing? It's got death all over it! :'''Dory''': I'm sorry. But I really, really, really think we should swim through. :'''Marlin''': And I am really, really done talking about this! Over we go! :'''Dory''': Come on, trust me on this. :'''Marlin''': Trust you? :'''Dory''': Yes, trust. It's what friends do. :'''Marlin''': ...Look, something's shiny! :'''Dory''': Where?! :'''Marlin''': Oh, it just swam over the trench! Come on, follow me. :'''Dory''': Okay! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dory''': How about we play a game? :'''Marlin''': All right. :'''Dory''': Okay, I'm thinking of something orange, and small... :'''Marlin''': It's me. :'''Dory''': Right! ''[later]'' I'm thinking of something orange and small... :'''Marlin''': It's me. :'''Dory''': All right, Mr. Smarty-pants... ''[later still]'' It's orange and small, and white stripes... :'''Marlin''': Me, and the next one's just a guess, me. :'''Dory''': Okay, that's just scary. :'''Marlin''': Wait, wait, wait. I have definitely seen this floating speck before. That means we've passed it before. And that means we're going circles. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dory''': ''[swims upside down]'' C'mon! You gotta try this! :'''Marlin''': Will you just stop it?! :'''Dory''': Why? What's wrong? :'''Marlin''': We're in a whale, don't you get it?! :'''Dory''': A whale? :'''Marlin''': A whale!! Because you asked for help, and now we're stuck here! :'''Dory''': ''[looks around her]'' Wow. A whale. You know, I speak whale-- :'''Marlin''': No, you're insane! You can't speak whale! I have to get out! ''[bumps into the whale's baleen]'' I have to find my son! ''[bumps again]'' I have to tell him... ''[bumps repeatedly]'' ...how, old, sea, turtles, are! <hr width=50%/> :'''Marlin''': But, but, dude. How do you know when they're ready? :'''Crush''': Well, you never really know, you know, but when they know, you'll know, ya know? <hr width=50%/> :'''Dory''': Have you seen an orange fish swim by? It looks just like them. ''[points at Nemo]'' :'''Nemo''': But bigger! :'''Crab''': Yeah, I saw him, Bluey. But I'm not telling you where he went, and there's no way you're gonna make me! :''[Dory glares at the crab, then holds him out of water for the seagulls to see]'' :'''Seagull''': Mine! :'''Crab''': All right, all right! I'll talk, I'll talk! He went to the fishing grounds! :'''Seagulls''': Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine! <hr width=50%/> :''[hundreds of seagulls surround Marlin and Dory]'' :'''Seagull''': Mine. :'''Nigel''': ''[quiet and controlled]'' Okay. Don't make any sudden moves. Hop inside my mouth, if you want to live. :'''Marlin''': "Hop in your mouth," huh? And how does that make me live? :'''Seagull''': Mine? :'''Nigel''': Because I can take you to your son. :'''Marlin''': Yeah, right. :'''Nigel''': No. I know your son. He's small and orange, he has a gimpy fin on one side. :'''Marlin''': That's Nemo! :''[the seagulls suddenly attack]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Bloat''': Nemo, newcomer of orange and white, you have been called forth to the top of Mount Wannahockaloogie to join with us, in the fraternal bonds... of tankhood. :'''Nemo''': Huh? :'''Peach''': We want you in our club, kid. :'''Nemo''': Really? :'''Bloat''': If you are able to swim through, the Ring of Fire!!!! ''[nothing happens]'' Turn on the Ring of Fire! The Ring of Fire! :''[Jacques suddenly comes to attention]'' :'''Jacques''': Sorry! :'''Bloat''': You said you could do this! :''[bubbles explode out of the top of Wannahockaloogie Mountain]'' :'''Bloat''': The Ring of Fire! == About ''Finding Nemo'' == * By far the biggest challenge was getting the water right. Water has always been a Holy Grail for CG animators because it’s not a fixed medium, it’s constantly shifting and changing. :* [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] in [http://www.indielondon.co.uk/film/finding_nemo_stanton_unkrich.html "Finding Nemo - An interview with Andrew Stanton and Lee Unkrich"] by Graeme Kay, ''Indie London''. * Way back during the first beginnings of [[Toy Story]], believe it or not. I was at an aquarium, and I was new to computer graphics, and I remember just looking at the underwater environment and thinking we could mimic this exactly in computer graphics. : So that was on the back burner of my brain all through Toy Story and [[A Bug's Life]] and [[Toy Story 2]]. I kept thinking about what story I'd want to tell in an underwater setting, and I remembered this dentist's office that I went to as a kid. It had a tank in the lobby, and I used to think about whether those fish wanted to go home, and what it must be like to be in this tacky little tank with a treasure chest, and a scuba diver. All those kind of things. :* Andrew Stanton in [http://www.bbc.co.uk/films/2003/09/30/andrew_stanton_lee_unkrich_finding_nemo_interview.shtml "Andrew Stanton Lee Unkrich Finding Nemo Interview"], by Nev Pierce ''BBC'', 09/30/2003. == Voice cast == *[[w:Alexander Gould|Alexander Gould]] - Nemo *[[w:Albert Brooks|Albert Brooks]] - Marlin *[[Ellen DeGeneres]] - Dory *[[Willem Dafoe]] - Gill *[[Brad Garrett]] - Bloat *[[w:Austin Pendleton|Austin Pendleton]] - Gurgle *[[w:Stephen Root|Stephen Root]] - Bubbles *[[w:Vicki Lewis|Vicki Lewis]] - Deb (and "Flo", Deb's reflection) *[[w:Joe Ranft|Joe Ranft]] - Jacques *[[w:Allison Janney|Allison Janney]] - Peach *[[Geoffrey Rush]] - Nigel *[[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] - Fish School *[[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] - Crush *[[w:Nicholas Bird|Nicholas Bird]] - Squirt *[[w:Bob Peterson (filmmaker)|Bob Peterson]] - Mr. Ray *[[Barry Humphries]] - Bruce *[[w:Eric Bana|Eric Bana]] - Anchor *[[w:Bruce Spence|Bruce Spence]] - Chum *[[w:Jordy Ranft|Jordy Ranft]] - Tad *[[w:Erica Beck|Erica Beck]] - Pearl *[[w:Erik Per Sullivan|Erik Per Sullivan]] - Sheldon *[[w:Bill Hunter (actor)|Bill Hunter]] - Dentist Philip Sherman *[[w:LuLu Ebeling|LuLu Ebeling]] - Darla Sherman *[[w:Elizabeth Perkins|Elizabeth Perkins]] - Coral *[[w:Rove McManus|Rove McManus]] - Crab *[[w:Carlos Alazraqui|Carlos Alazraqui]] - Phil *[[w:Phil Proctor|Phil Proctor]] - Bob *[[w:James Kevin Ward|Jim Ward]] - Ted ==See also== * [[Finding Dory]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|0266543}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|finding_nemo}} [[Category:2003 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Computer-animated films]] [[Category:Animated adventure films]] [[Category:Animated comedy films]] [[Category:Animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Andrew Stanton films]] [[Category:Lee Unkrich films]] [[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Films about fish]] [[Category:Screenplays by Andrew Stanton]] 18fm1ccvs9hsx4u4cr5ri3a0c90fizm 0 1938 3157932 3132992 2022-08-25T20:42:14Z BinaryPhoton 1051712 added chapter name and page to quote wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Ayn Rand (1943 Talbot portrait).jpg|right|thumb|225px|I am. I think. I will.]] [[File:Pola Negri by Ayn Rand cover.jpg|thumb|'Free competition enforced by law' is a grotesque contradiction in terms.]] '''[[w:Ayn Rand|Ayn Rand]]''' ([[2 February]] [[1905]] &ndash; [[6 March]] [[1982]]) was a Russian-born American [[novelist]], [[philosopher]], playwright, and screenwriter. She is known for her bestselling novels, ''[[The Fountainhead]]'' and ''[[Atlas Shrugged]]'', and for developing a philosophical system called [[w:Objectivism_(Ayn_Rand)|Objectivism]]. :See also :: '''''[[Atlas Shrugged]]''''' (1957) :: '''''[[The Fountainhead]]''''' (1943) ==Quotes== [[File:WTC Twin Towers Night July 2001.jpg|thumb|I would give the greatest sunset in the world for one sight of New York's skyline. The shapes and the thought that made them. The sky over New York and the will of man made visible. What other religion do we need?]] [[File:Lower Manhattan Skyline March 2001.jpg|thumb|Is it beauty and genius they want to see? Do they seek a sense of the sublime? Let them come to New York, stand on the shore of the Hudson, look and kneel. When I see the city from my window? No, I don't feel how small I am. But, I feel that if a war came to threaten this? I would like to throw myself into space, over the city, and protect these buildings with my body.]] ; 1930s * I hope you will understand my hesitation in writing to one whom I admire as the greatest representative of a philosophy to which I want to dedicate my whole life. ** Letter to [[H.L. Mencken]] July 28, 1934. ;1940s * That particular sense of sacred rapture men say they experience in contemplating nature- I've never received it from nature, only from. Buildings, Skyscrapers. I would give the greatest sunset in the world for one sight of New York's skyline. The shapes and the thought that made them. The sky over New York and the will of man made visible. What other religion do we need? And then people tell me about pilgrimages to some dank pest-hole in a jungle where they go to do homage to a crumbling temple, to a leering stone monster with a pot belly, created by some leprous savage. Is it beauty and genius they want to see? Do they seek a sense of the sublime? Let them come to New York, stand on the shore of the Hudson, look and kneel. When I see the city from my window - no, I don't feel how small I am - but I feel that if a war came to threaten this, I would like to throw myself into space, over the city, and protect these buildings with my body. ** ''[[The Fountainhead]]'' (1943). * An individualist is a man who says: "I'll not run anyone's life – nor let anyone run mine. I will not rule nor be ruled. I will not be a master nor a slave. I will not sacrifice myself to anyone – nor sacrifice anyone to myself." ** [http://laissez-fairerepublic.com/textbook.htm ''Textbook of Americanism''] (1946). ;1960s * “Free competition enforced by law” is a grotesque contradiction in terms. ** The Objectivist Newsletter “Antitrust: The Rule of Unreason,” The Objectivist Newsletter, Feb. 1962, 1 * I am not primarily an advocate of capitalism, but of egoism; and I am not primarily an advocate of egoism, but of reason. If one recognizes the supremacy of reason and applies it consistently, all the rest follows. ** ''Introducing Objectivism''. The Objectivist Newsletter, Vol. 1, No. 8. August, 1962. p. 35. * Objectivism is a philosophical movement; since politics is a branch of philosophy, Objectivism advocates certain political principles — specifically, those of laissez-faire capitalism — as the consequence and the ultimate practical application of its fundamental philosophical principles. It does not regard politics as a separate or primary goal, that is: as a goal that can be achieved without a wider ideological context. . . . Objectivists are not "conservatives." We are radicals for capitalism; we are fighting for that philosophical base which capitalism did not have and without which it was doomed to perish. ** “Choose Your Issues,” The Objectivist Newsletter, Vol. 1, No. 1 (1962) * There is no difference between communism and socialism, except in the means of achieving the same ultimate end: communism proposes to enslave men by force, socialism—by vote. It is merely the difference between murder and suicide. ** "Foreign Policy Drains U.S. of Main Weapon," ''Los Angeles Times'', Sept. 9. 1962, G2 — as reported in ''[http://aynrandlexicon.com/lexicon/socialism.html The Ayn Rand Lexicon]: Objectivism from A to Z'' (1986) * What is greatness? I will answer: it is the capacity to live by the three fundamental values of John Galt: reason, purpose, self-esteem. ** ''Playboy'' Interview (March 1964) ;1970s * Even if smog were a risk to human life, we must remember that life in nature, without technology, is wholesale death. ** ''The Objectivist'' February 1971 * Above all, do not join the wrong ideological groups or movements, in order to “do something.” By “ideological” (in this context), I mean groups or movements proclaiming some vaguely generalized, undefined (and, usually, contradictory) political goals. (E.g., the Conservative Party, that subordinates reason to faith, and substitutes theocracy for capitalism; or the “libertarian” hippies, who subordinate reason to whims, and substitute anarchism for capitalism.) To join such groups means to reverse the philosophical hierarchy and to sell out fundamental principles for the sake of some superficial political action which is bound to fail. ** “What Can One Do?” The Ayn Rand Letter, Vol. 1, No. 7 (1972) * Now, I don't care to discuss the alleged complaints American Indians have against this country. I believe, with good reason, the most unsympathetic Hollywood portrayal of Indians and what they did to the white man. They had no right to a country merely because they were born here and then acted like savages. The white man did not conquer this country... ** Address To The Graduating Class Of The United States Military Academy at West Point, 1974 * The Arabs are one of the least developed cultures. They are typically nomads. Their culture is primitive, and they resent Israel because it's the sole beachhead of modern science and civilization on their continent. When you have civilized men fighting savages, you support the civilized men, no matter who they are." ** Ayn Rand Ford Hall Forum lecture, 1974, text published on the website of The Ayn Rand Institute [http://www.aynrand.org/site/PageServer?pagename=media_america_at_war_israeli_arab_conflict] * The worst evil that you can do, psychologically, is to laugh at yourself. That means spitting in your own face. ** Question period following Lecture 11 of Leonard Peikoff's series "The Philosophy of Objectivism," 1976 * The trouble with the world today is philosophical: only the right philosophy can save us. But this party plagiarizes some of my ideas, mixes them with the exact opposite—with religionists, anarchists and every intellectual misfit and scum they can find—and call themselves libertarians and run for office. ** Rand, Ayn (2005). Mayhew, Robert, ed. Ayn Rand Answers, the Best of Her Q&A. New York: New American Library. p. 73. (1976) ;2000s * They (Native Americans) didn't have any rights to the land, and there was no reason for anyone to grant them rights which they had not conceived and were not using. What was it that they were fighting for, when they opposed white men on this continent? For their wish to continue a primitive existence, their 'right' to keep part of the earth untouched, unused and not even as property, but just keep everybody out so that you will live practically like an animal, or a few caves above it. Any white person who brings the element of civilization has the right to take over this continent. ** Q and A session following her address to the graduating class of The United States Military Academy at West Point, New York, March 6, 1974 - found in ''Endgame: Resistance'', by Derrick Jensen, Seven Stories Press, 2006, pg 220 * Do you know that my personal crusade in life (in the philosophical sense) is not merely to fight collectivism, nor to fight altruism? These are only consequences, effects, not causes. I am out after the real cause, the real root of evil on earth — the irrational. ** Goddess of the Market: Ayn Rand and the American Right, 2009, p. 100 ;Incomplete source info *If you mean whose side one should be on, Israel or the Arabs, I would certainly say Israel because it's the advanced, technological, civilized country amidst a group of almost totally primitive savages who have not changed for years and who are racist and who resent Israel because it's bringing industry, intelligence, and modern technology into their stagnation. ** Q and A session during taping of Donohue, Live in New York (1979) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uHSv1asFvU Ayn Rand on Israel and the Middle East] *It took centuries of intellectual, philosophical development to achieve political freedom. It was a long struggle, stretching from Aristotle to John Locke to the Founding Fathers. The system they established was not based on unlimited majority but on its opposite: on individual rights, which were not to be alienated by majority vote or minority plotting. The individual was not left at the mercy of his neighbors or his leaders: the Constitutional system of checks and balances was scientifically devised to protect him from both. This was the great American achievement—and if concern for the actual welfare of other nations were our present leaders' motive, this is what we should have been teaching the world. Instead, we are deluding the ignorant and the semi-savage by telling them that no political knowledge is necessary—that our system is only a matter of subjective preference—that any prehistorical form of tribal tyranny, gang rule, and slaughter will do just as well, with our sanction and support. It is thus that we encourage the spectacle of Algerian workers marching through the streets [in the 1962 Civil War] and shouting the demand: "Work, not blood!"—without knowing what great knowledge and virtue are required to achieve it. In the same way, in 1917, the Russian peasants were demanding: "Land and Freedom!" But Lenin and Stalin is what they got. In 1933, the Germans were demanding: "Room to live!" But what they got was Hitler. In 1793, the French were shouting: "Liberty, Equality, Fraternity!" What they got was Napoleon. In 1776, the Americans were proclaiming "The Rights of Man"—and, led by political philosophers, they achieved it. No revolution, no matter how justified, and no movement, no matter how popular, has ever succeeded without a political philosophy to guide it, to set its direction and goal. ** ''The Ayn Rand Column'' *"The people of Algiers marched through the streets of the city, in desperate protest against the new threat of civil war, shouting: 'We want peace! We want a government!' How are they to go about getting it? Through the years of civil war, they had been united, not by any political philosophy, but only by a racial issue. They were fighting, not for any program, but only against French rule. When they won their independence, they fell apart - into rival tribes and armed 'willayas' fighting one another" ** ''The Ayn Rand Column'' 'Blind Chaos' * Let no man posture as an advocate of peace if he proposes or supports any social system that initiates the use of force against individual men, in any form. ** ''For the New Intellectual'' * Man—every man—is an end in himself, not a means to the ends of others; he must live for his own sake, neither sacrificing himself to others nor sacrificing others to himself; he must work for his rational self-interest, with the achievement of his own happiness as the highest moral purpose of his life. ** ''The Ayn Rand Column'' ‘Introducing Objectivism’ ===''We The Living'' (1936) === * Do you believe in God, Andrei? No. Neither do I. But that's a favorite question of mine. An upside-down question, you know. What do you mean? Well, if I asked people whether they believed in life, they'd never understand what I meant. It's a bad question. It can mean so much that it really means nothing. So I ask them if they believe in God. And if they say they do—then, I know they don't believe in life. Why? Because, you see, God—whatever anyone chooses to call God—is one's highest conception of the highest possible. And whoever places his highest conception above his own possibility thinks very little of himself and his life. It's a rare gift, you know, to feel reverence for your own life and to want the best, the greatest, the highest possible, here, now, for your very own. To imagine a heaven and then not to dream of it, but to demand it. ** Source: ''We The Living'' Part One Chapter 9 * There is no such thing as duty. If you know that a thing is right, you want to do it. If you don't want to do it—it isn't right. If it's right and you don't want to do it—you don't know what right is and you're not a man. ** Source: ''We The Living'' Part One Chapter 6 * There is only one thing that matters and that we'll remember. The rest doesn't matter. I don't care what life is to be nor what it does to us. But it won't break us. Neither you nor me. That's our only weapon. That's the only banner we can hold against all those others around us. That's all we have to know about the future. * The highest thing in a man is not his god. It's that in him which knows the reverence due a god. You are my highest reverence. ** Source: ''We The Living'' Last Page * A moment or an eternity—did it matter? Life, undefeated, existed and could exist. She smiled, her last smile, to so much that had been possible. ===''[[w:Anthem (novella)|Anthem]]'' (1937)=== * "I am. I think. I will." * I need no warrant for being, and no word of sanction upon my being. I am the warrant and the sanction. * And now I see the face of god, and I raise this god over the earth, this god whom men have sought since men came into being, this god who will grant them joy and peace and pride. This god, this one word: 'I.' * Neither am I the means to any end others may wish to accomplish. I am not a tool for their use. I am not a servant of their needs. I am not a bandage for their wounds, I am not a sacrifice on their altars. * There is nothing to take a man's freedom away from him, save other men. To be free, a man must be free of his brothers. * This miracle of me is mine to own and keep, and mine to guard, and mine to use, and mine to kneel before...The fortune of my spirit is not to be blown into coins of brass and flung to the winds as alms for the poor of spirit. * '''I shall choose friends among men, but neither slaves nor masters. And I shall choose only such as please me, and them I shall love and respect, but neither command nor obey. And we shall join our hands when we wish, or walk alone when we so desire.''' *In the temple of his spirit, each man is alone. *It is not good to feel too much joy, nor to be glad that our body lives. For we matter not and it must not matter to us whether we live or die, which is to be as our brothers will it. But we, Equality 7-2521, are glad to be living. If this is a vice, then we wish no virtue. *No single one can possess greater wisdom than the many scholars who are elected by all the men for their wisdom. Yet we can. We do. We have fought against saying it, but now it is said. We do not care. We forget all men, all laws and all things save our metals and our wires. So much is still to be learned! So long a road lies before us, and what care we if we must travel it alone! ===''Capitalism: The Unknown Ideal'' (1966)=== * The spread of evil is the symptom of a vacuum. Whenever evil wins, it is only by default: by the moral failure of those who evade the fact that there can be no compromise on basic principles. *In a capitalist society, all human relationships are voluntary. Men are free to cooperate or not, to deal with one another or not, as their own individual judgments, convictions and interests dictate. *Statism is a system of institutionalized violence and perpetual civil war. It leaves men no choice but to fight to seize political power -- to rob or be robbed, to kill or be killed. ... Statism survives by looting; a free country survives by production. **Ch. 2 "Roots of War", p. 36-37 *America's abundance was created not by public sacrifices to the common good, but by the productive genius of free men who pursued their own personal interests and the making of their own private fortunes. They did not starve the people to pay for America's industrialization. They gave the people better jobs, higher wages, and cheaper goods with every new machine they invented, with every scientific discovery or technological advance- and thus the whole country was moving forward and profiting, not suffering, every step of the way. *Economic power is exercised by means of a positive, by offering men a reward, an incentive, a payment, a value; political power is exercised by means of a negative, by the threat of punishment, injury, imprisonment, destruction. The businessman's tool is values; the bureaucrat's tool is fear. *A gun is not an argument. * So long as [men] hold the tribal notion that the individual is sacrificial fodder for the collective, that some men have the right to rule others by force, and that some (any) alleged 'good' can justify It — there can be no peace ‘within’ a nation and no peace among nations. * When the common good of a society is regarded as something apart from and superior to the individual good of its members, it means that the good of some men takes precedence over the good of others, with those others consigned to the status of sacrificial animals. *An attempt to achieve the good by force is like an attempt to provide a man with a picture gallery at the price of cutting out his eyes. *Businessmen are the one group that distinguishes capitalism and the American way of life from the totalitarian statism that is swallowing the rest of the world. All the other social groups- workers, farmers, professional men, scientists, soldiers- exist under dictatorships, even though they exist in chains, in terror, in misery, and in progressive self-destruction. But there is no such group as businessmen under a dictatorship. Their place is taken by armed thugs: by bureaucrats and commissars. Businessmen are the symbol of a free society- the symbol of America. *Every government interference in the economy consists of giving an unearned benefit, extorted by force, to some men at the expense of others. *Every movement that seeks to enslave a country, every dictatorship or potential dictatorship, needs some minority group as a scapegoat which it can blame for the nation's troubles and use as a justification of its own demands for dictatorial powers. In Soviet Russia, the scapegoat was the bourgeoisie; in Nazi Germany, it was the Jewish people; in America, it is the businessmen. *It is futile to fight against, if one does not know what one is fighting for. *'''Remember also that the smallest minority on earth is the individual. Those who deny individual rights, cannot claim to be defenders of minorities.''' *Ch. 2 "Roots of War", p. 61 *Capitalism has created the highest standard of living ever known on earth. The evidence is incontrovertible. The contrast between West and East Berlin is the latest demonstration, like a laboratory experiment for all to see. Yet those who are loudest in proclaiming their desire to eliminate poverty are loudest in denouncing capitalism. Man's well-being is not their goal. *Let anyone who believes that a high standard of living is the achievement of labor unions and government controls ask himself the following question: If one had a "time machine" and transported the united labor chieftains of America, plus three million government bureaucrats, back to the tenth century—would they be able to provide the medieval serf with electric light, refrigerators, automobiles, and television sets? * It took centuries of intellectual, philosophical development to achieve political [[freedom]]. It was a long struggle, stretching from [[Aristotle]] to [[John Locke]] to the [[Founding Fathers of the United States|Founding Fathers]]. The system they established was not based on unlimited majority rule, but on its opposite: on individual rights, which were not to be alienated by majority vote or minority plotting. The individual was not left at the mercy of his neighbors or his leaders: the Constitutional system of checks and balances was scientifically devised to protect him from both. This was the great American achievement—and if concern for the actual welfare of other nations were our present leaders' motive, this is what we should have been teaching the world. ===''The Virtue of Selfishness'' (1964)=== :<small> This collection includes a 1963 essay quoted at [[Nathaniel Branden]]. </small> *Man is the only living species that has the power to act as his own destroyer—and that is the way he has acted through most of his history. *The men who attempt to survive, not by means of reason, but by means of force, are attempting to survive by the method of animals. *Neither life nor happiness can be achieved by the pursuit of irrational whims. Just as man is free to attempt to survive by any random means, as a parasite, a moocher or a looter, but not free to succeed at it beyond the range of the moment—so he is free to seek his happiness in any irrational fraud, any whim, any delusion, any mindless escape from reality, but not free to succeed at it beyond the range of the moment nor to escape the consequences. **Sometimes paraphrased as "You can ignore reality, but you cannot ignore the consequences of ignoring reality." *The only proper, moral purpose of a government is to protect man's rights, which means: to protect him from physical violence—to protect his right to his own life, to his own liberty, to his own property and to the pursuit of his own happiness. Without property rights, no other rights are possible. *When I say “capitalism,” I mean a full, pure, uncontrolled, unregulated laissez-faire capitalism—with a separation of state and economics, in the same way and for the same reasons as the separation of state and church. *Poverty, ignorance, illness and other problems of that kind are not metaphysical emergencies. By the metaphysical nature of man and of existence, man has to maintain his life by his own effort; the values he needs—such as wealth or knowledge—are not given to him automatically, as a gift of nature, but have to be discovered and achieved by his own thinking and work. *When one observes the nightmare of the desperate efforts made by hundreds of thousands of people struggling to escape from the socialized countries of Europe, to escape over barbed-wire fences, under machine-gun fire—one can no longer believe that socialism, in any of its forms, is motivated by benevolence and by the desire to achieve men's welfare. *When you consider socialism, do not fool yourself about its nature. Remember that there is no such dichotomy as “human rights” versus “property rights.” No human rights can exist without property rights. *Capitalism is the only system where such men are free to function and where progress is accompanied, not by forced privations, but by a constant rise in the general level of prosperity, of consumption and of enjoyment of life. * Observe, in politics, that the term extremism has become a synonym of "evil," regardless of the content of the issue (the evil is not what you are extreme about, but that you are "extreme"—i.e., consistent). *Since only an individual man can possess rights, the expression “individual rights” is a redundancy (which one has to use for purposes of clarification in today's intellectual chaos). But the expression “collective rights” is a contradiction in terms. *Man's rights can be violated only by the use of physical force. It is only by means of physical force that one man can deprive another of his life, or enslave him, or rob him, or prevent him from pursuing his own goals, or compel him to act against his own rational judgment. *Any group or “collective,” large or small, is only a number of individuals. A group can have no rights other than the rights of its individual members. * When a man declares: "There are no blacks and whites [in morality]" he is making a psychological confession, and what he means is: "''I'' am unwilling to be wholly good—and please don't regard me as wholly evil!" * Errors of knowledge are not breaches of morality; no proper moral code can demand infallibility or omniscience. * '''Racism is the lowest, most crudely primitive form of collectivism.'''&nbsp; It is the notion of ascribing moral, social or political significance to a man's genetic lineage—the notion that a man's intellectual and characterological traits are produced and transmitted by his internal body chemistry.&nbsp; Which means, in practice, that a man is to be judged, not by his own character and actions, but by the characters and actions of a collective of ancestors. :Racism claims that the content of a man's mind (not his cognitive apparatus, but its content) is inherited; that a man's convictions, values and character are determined before he is born, by physical forces beyond his control.&nbsp; This is the caveman's version of the doctrine of innate ideas—or of inherited knowledge—which has been thoroughly refuted by philosophy and science.&nbsp; '''Racism is a doctrine of, by and for brutes.'''&nbsp; It is a barnyard or stock-farm version of collectivism, appropriate to a mentality that differentiates between various breeds of animals, but not between animals and men.[http://alexpeak.com/twr/racism/] * A genius is a genius, regardless of the number of morons who belong to the same race—and a moron is a moron, regardless of the number of geniuses who share his racial origin.[http://alexpeak.com/twr/racism/] * The skyline of New York is a monument of a splendor that no pyramids or palaces will ever equal or approach. * All the reasons which made the initiation of physical force evil, make the retaliatory use of physical force a moral imperative. * Individual rights are the means of subordinating society to moral law. * The moral precept to adopt...is: Judge, and be prepared to be judged. * Ask yourself why totalitarian dictatorships find it necessary to pour money and effort into propaganda for their own helpless, chained, gagged slaves, who have no means of protest or defense. The answer is that even the humblest peasant or the lowest savage would rise in blind rebellion, were he to realize that he is being immolated, not to some incomprehensible noble purpose, but to plain, naked human evil. *The moral cannibalism of all hedonist and altruist doctrines lies in the premise that the happiness of one man necessitates the injury of another. *Individual rights are not subject to a public vote; a majority has no right to vote away the rights of a minority; the political function of rights is precisely to protect minorities from oppression by majorities (and the smallest minority on earth is the individual). *Since there is no such entity as ‘''the public'',’ since the public is merely a number of individuals, any claimed or implied conflict of ‘the public interest’ with private interests means that the interests of some men are to be sacrificed to the interests and wishes of others. Since the concept is so conveniently undefinable, its use rests only on any given gang's ability to proclaim that ‘The public, ''c’est moi’''—and to maintain the claim at the point of a gun. **Chap. 11, “The Monument Builders” ===''Apollo and Dionysus'' (1969)=== [[File:Woodstock_redmond_rain.JPG|thumb|It is man's irrational emotions that [[w:Woodstock Festival|bring him down to the mud]]...]][[File:Apollo 11 launch.jpg|thumb|...It is man's reason that [[w:Apollo 11|lifts him to the stars]].]] *[''On the attendees at the launch of Apollo 11''] Those people were not a stampeding herd, nor a manipulated mob; they did not wreck the Florida communities, they did not devastate the countryside, they did not throw themselves, like whining thugs, at the mercy of their victims - they did not create any victims. They came as responsible individuals able to project the reality of two or three days ahead, and to provide for their own needs. There were people of every age, creed, color, educational level and economic status. They lived and slept in tents, or in their cars, some for several days, in great discomfort and unbearable heat; they did it gamely, cheerfully, gaily; they projected a general feeling of confident goodwill, the bond of a common enthusiasm; they created a public spectacle of responsible privacy - and they departed as they had come, without benefit of press agents. *One of the paradoxes of our age is the fact that the intellectuals, the politicians, and all the sundry voices that choke like asthma the throat of our communications media, have never gasped and stuttered so loudly about their devotion to the public good, and about the people's will as the supreme criterion of value - and never have they been so grossly indifferent to the people. The reason, obviously, is that collectivist slogans serve as the rationalization for those who intend, not to follow the people, but to rule them. *The most profound breach in this country is not between the rich and the poor, but between the people and the intellectuals. In their view of life, the American people are predominantly Apollonian. The mainstream intellectuals are Dionysian. This means the people are reality-oriented, common sense-oriented, technology-oriented. The intellectuals call this "materialistic," and "middle-class." The intellectuals are emotion-oriented, and seek in panic an escape from a reality they are unable to deal with, and from a technological civilization that ignores their feelings. *And this is the whole shabby secret: to some men, the sight of an achievement is a reproach, a reminder that their own lives are irrational, and that there is no loophole - no escape from reason and reality. Their resentment is the cornered Dionysian element baring its teeth. * '''Some day, the world will discover that, without thought, there can be no love.''' * [The hippies] were told that love - indiscriminate love for one's fellow man - is the highest virtue, and they obeyed. They were told that the merging of one's self with a herd, tribe, or community is the noblest way for a man to live, and they obeyed. There isn't a philosophical idea of today's establishment which they have not accepted, which they do not share. When they discovered this philosophy did not work, because in fact it cannot work, the hippies had neither the wit nor the courage to challenge it. They found, instead, an outlet for their impotent frustration by accusing their elders of hypocrisy, as if hypocrisy were the only obstacle to the realization of their dreams. And, left blindly, helplessly lobotomized in the face of an inexplicable reality that is not amenable to their feelings, they have no recourse but the shouting of obscenities at anything that frustrates their whims; at man, or at the rainy sky, indiscriminately, with no concept of the difference. '''It is typical of today's culture that the proponents of seething, raging hostility are taken as advocates of love.''' *There is a kind of malicious wink, a contemptuous sneer in the public voices claiming the hippies as heroes. The hippies are a desperate herd looking for a master, to be taken over by anyone - anyone who would tell them how to live without demanding the effort of thinking. Theirs is the mentality ready for a fuhrer. *The hippies are the living demonstration of what it means to give up reason, and to rely on one's primeval instincts, urges, intuitions, and whims. With such tools, they are unable to grasp even what is needed to satisfy their wishes; for example, the wish to have a festival. Where would they be without the charity of the local "squares" who fed them? Where would they be without the fifty doctors rushed from New York to save their lives? Without the automobiles that brought them to the festival? Without the soda pop and beer they substituted for water? Without the helicopters that brought the entertainers? Without all the achievements of the technological civilization they denounce? Left to their own devices, they literally didn't know enough to come in out of the rain. *It is fear that drives [the hippies] to seek the warmth, the protection, the safety of a herd. When they speak of merging themselves into a "greater whole," it is their fear that they hope to drown in the undemanding waves of unfastidious human bodies - and what they hope to fish out of that pool is the momentary illusion of an unearned personal significance. *Is there any doubt that drug addiction is an escape from an unbearable inner state - from a reality that one cannot deal with - from an atrophying mind one can never fully destroy? If Apollonian reason were unnatural to man, and Dionysian intuition brought him closer to nature and truth, the apostles of irrationality would not have to resort to drugs. Happy, self-confident men do not seek to get stoned. Drug addiction is the attempt to obliterate one's consciousness, the quest for a deliberately-induced insanity. As such, it is so obscene and evil that any doubt about the moral character of its practitioners is itself an obscenity. *You have all heard the old bromide to the effect that man has his eyes on the stars and his feet in the mud. It is usually taken to mean that man's reason and his physical senses are the element pulling him down to the mud while his mystical, super-rational emotions are the element that lifts him to the stars. This is the grimmest inversion of many in mankind's history. But, last summer, reality offered you a literal dramatization of the truth. It is man's irrational emotions that [[w:Woodstock Festival|bring him down to the mud]]. It is man's reason that [[w:Apollo 11|lifts him to the stars]]. ===''The Romantic Manifesto'' (1969)=== *Art is a selective re-creation of reality according to an artist's individual value-judgments. ** Chapter 1 ("The Psycho-Epistemology of Art") * Anyone who fights for the future, lives in it today. * An artist reveals his naked soul in his work - and so, gentle reader, do you when you respond to it. * Pity for the guilty is treason to the innocent. * Art is man's metaphysical mirror; what a rational man seeks to see in that mirror is a salute; what an irrational man seeks to see is a justification – even if only a justification of his depravity, as a last convulsion of his betrayed self-esteem. ** Chapter 3 ("Art and Sense of Life") * Definitions are the guardians of rationality, the first line of defense against the chaos of mental disintegration. ** Chapter 3 ("Art and Cognition") ===''The New Left: The Anti-Industrial Revolution'' (1971)=== *An Asian peasant who labors through all of his waking hours, with tools created in Biblical times—a South American aborigine who is devoured by piranha in a jungle stream—an African who is bitten by the tsetse fly—an Arab whose teeth are green with decay in his mouth—these do live with their 'natural environment,' but are scarcely able to appreciate its beauty. Try to tell a Chinese mother, whose child is dying of cholera: 'Should one do everything one can? Of course not.' Try to tell a Russian housewife, who trudges miles on foot in sub-zero weather in order to spend hours standing in line at a state store dispensing food rations, that America is defiled by shopping centers, expressways and family cars. ** p. 88 *By the same principle, the government may not give special leniency to the perpetrator of a crime, on the grounds of the nature of his ideas. ** p. 99 *A crime is the violation of the right(s) of other men by force (or fraud). It is only the initiation of physical force against others- i.e., the recourse to violence- that can be classified as a crime in a free society (as distinguished from a civil wrong). Ideas, in a free society, are not a crime- and neither can they serve as the justification of a crime. ** p. 99 *There is a level of cowardice lower than that of the conformist: the fashionable non-conformist. ** p. 123 *Contrary to the ecologists, nature does not stand still and does not maintain the kind of equilibrium that guarantees the survival of any particular species - least of all the survival of her greatest and most fragile product: man. ** p. 134 *...observe that in all the propaganda of the ecologists&mdash;amidst all their appeals to nature and pleas for 'harmony with nature'&mdash;there is no discussion of man's needs and the requirements of his survival. Man is treated as if he were an unnatural phenomenon. Man cannot survive in the kind of state of nature that the ecologists envision&mdash;i.e., on the level of sea urchins or polar bears... ** p. 136 * Today, racism is regarded as a crime if practiced by a majority—but as an inalienable right if practiced by a minority. ** p. 167 ===The Ayn Rand Letter (1971–1976)=== * Thanksgiving is a typically American holiday... The lavish meal is a symbol of the fact that abundant consumption is the result and reward of production. *The right to vote is a consequence, not a primary cause, of a free social system—and its value depends on the constitutional structure implementing and strictly delimiting the voters' power; unlimited majority rule is an instance of the principle of tyranny. *Competition is a by-product of productive work, not its goal. A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others. *Honor is self-esteem made visible in action. ===''Philosophy: Who Needs It'' (1982)=== New York, NY, Bobbs-Merrill, 1982 * There are only two means by which men can deal with one another: guns or logic. Force or persuasion. Those who know that they cannot win by means of logic, have always resorted to guns. * The secret dread of modern intellectuals, liberals and conservatives alike, the unadmitted terror at the root of their anxiety, which all of their current irrationalities are intended to stave off and to disguise, is the unstated knowledge that Soviet Russia is the full, actual, literal, consistent embodiment of the morality of altruism, that Stalin did ''not'' corrupt a noble ideal, that this is the only way altruism has to be or can ever be practiced. **p. 84. * The conservatives see man as a body freely roaming the earth, building sand piles or factories—with an electronic computer inside his skull, controlled from Washington. The liberals see man as a soul freewheeling to the farthest reaches of the universe—but wearing chains from nose to toes when he crosses the street to buy a loaf of bread. ===''The Voice of Reason'' (1989)=== *A culture is made — or destroyed — by its articulate voices. *Aristotle may be regarded as the cultural barometer of Western history. Whenever his influence dominated the scene, it paved the way for one of history's brilliant eras; whenever it fell, so did mankind. *Every coercive monopoly was created by government intervention into the economy: by special privileges, such as franchises or subsidies, which closed the entry of competitors into a given field, by legislative action. ===''Journals of Ayn Rand'' (1997)=== *The purpose of my work: to introduce, or, rather, to re-introduce the original ways of human development. Once viewed as personal responsibility, personal growth, education, and social doctrine were highly effective. Now that they have begun to be approached as an "acceptance," our ideals have begun to rely on the willingness of others to go along with our philosophies. It is now time for us to return to the selfish ideals of the past. *Never demand of another that which would constitute his sacrifice to you. Never grant that which would constitute your sacrifice to him. *Never initiate the use of force against another man. Never let his use of force against you remain unanswered by force. *The actions of all group leaders throughout history have had one common element: [[w:altruism|altruism]] - common good of the collective. Religious leaders and the "moral" majority condemn the likes of [[w:Adolf Hitler|Hitler]], [[w:Joseph Stalin|Stalin]], etc. but their movements and foundations are alike. *... if the majority of men cannot know what is good for them, each for himself, how can they know what is good for others by proxy? If they are to be controlled by specialists, how and by what standard can they choose the specialist? *The human race has only two unlimited capacities: one for suffering and one for lying. I want to fight religion as the root of all human lying and the only excuse for human suffering. *All progress is the work of individuals. *Selfishness does not mean only to do things for one's self. One may do things, affecting others, for his own pleasure and benefit. This is not immoral, but the highest of morality. *The second handers offer substitutes for competence such as love, charm, kindness - easy substitutes - and there is no substitute for creation. *On second handers: [They are] always concerned with people - not facts, ideas, work or production. What would happen to the world without those who think, work, and produce? == Quotes about Rand== :<small>''Alphabetized by author''</small> * It is difficult to accord an important place to Ayn Rand either as a novelist or as a thinker. And yet there is something appealing, even a touch of grandeur, about the figure who emerges from Ms. Branden's somewhat tortured account: the young woman who arrives in America clutching her Remington Rand typewriter (she took her name from it); who not only renames herself but proceeds to remake herself in the shape of her passionately held ideals; the hero-worshiper who invented improbably heroic figures in her novels and who convinced very ordinary people that they too could be heroes; the mature and successful figure who always refused compromise, no matter what the cost, and who faced bitter personal disappointment and pain with an unbending courage. One can understand why this individual, whatever her intellectual and personal foibles, could command loyalty and inspire commitment. ** Peter L. Berger, "Adam Smith Meets Nietzsche", ''The New York Times'' (July 6, 1986) * Although the Objectivist movement clearly had many of the trappings of a cult - the aggrandizement of the person of Ayn Rand, the too ready acceptance of her personal opinions on a host of subjects, the incessant moralizing - it is nevertheless significant that the fundamental attraction of Objectivism... was the precise opposite of religious worship. ** [[w:Barbara Branden|Barbara Branden]], ''The Passion of Ayn Rand'' (p. 371), quoted by [[Michael Shermer|Shermer]] in [http://www.2think.org/02_2_she.shtml ‘The Unlikeliest Cult in History’] (1993). * We were not a cult in the literal, dictionary sense of the word, but certainly there was a cultish aspect to our world.... We were a group organized around a charismatic leader, whose members judged one another's character chiefly by loyalty to that leader and to her ideas... ** [[Nathaniel Branden]] (Ibid. p. 256), quoted by [http://www.2think.org/02_2_she.shtml Shermer] * For [Rand] further holds that objective reality is readily accessible by solitary individuals using words and logic alone. This proposition - rejected by nearly all modern scientists - is essentially a restatement of the Platonic worldview, a fundamental axiom of which is that the universe is made up of ideal essences or 'values' (the term Rand preferred) that can be discovered, dispassionately examined, and objectively analyzed by those few bold minds who are able to finally free themselves from hoary assumptions of the past. Once freed, any truly rational individual must, by simply applying verbal reasoning, independently reach the same set of fundamental conclusions about life, justice and the universe. (Naturally, any mind that fails to do so must, by definition, not yet be free.) ** [[David Brin]], ''Liberty'' magazine, September 2000. * Her novel ''Atlas Shrugged''... a thousand pages of ideological fabulism. I had to ''flog'' myself to read it. ** [[William F. Buckley Jr.]] on [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KmPLkiqnO8 ''The Charlie Rose Show''] *You can piss away valuable hours of your life reading Ayn Rand—her wretched appeal to the young, her wretched writing, her wretched person.<br>She was supposed to be on my show; I was kind of sorry she wasn't, because I was kind of laying for her. I did not succumb, as a kid, to being enthused by Ayn Rand, and that sense of power, as every kid was at one time until they outgrew it. The old bag sent over a list of fifteen conditions for appearing with me, or for appearing with anyone, I guess. One of them was, “There will be no disagreeing with Ms. Rand’s philosophy.” [...] I wrote at the bottom of the list, to be sent back to her, “There will be no Ms. Rand, either.” ** [[Dick Cavett]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20150104142046/http://elongreen.com/post/88018054762/cavett-on-ayn-rands-demands a conversation from an interview by Elon Green] (2014) * Something of this implication is fixed in the book's dictatorial tone, which is much its most striking feature. Out of a lifetime of reading, I can recall no other book in which a tone of overriding arrogance was so implacably sustained. Its shrillness is without reprieve. Its dogmatism is without appeal. In addition, the mind which finds this tone natural to it shares other characteristics of its type.1) It consistently mistakes raw force for strength, and the rawer the force, the more reverent the posture of the mind before it. 2) It supposes itself to be the bringer of a final revelation. Therefore, resistance to the Message cannot be tolerated because disagreement can never be merely honest, prudent, or just humanly fallible. Dissent from revelation so final (because, the author would say, so reasonable) can only be willfully wicked. There are ways of dealing with such wickedness, and, in fact, right reason itself enjoins them. <BR><b>From almost any page of ''Atlas Shrugged'', a voice can be heard, from painful necessity, commanding: “To a gas chamber — go!”</b> ** [[Whittaker Chambers]], [http://www.nationalreview.com/articles/222482/big-sister-watching-you/flashback 'Big Sister Is Watching You'], ''National Review'' (1957) * I loved Ayn Rand when I was 18 — before I had children and figured out how the world really works. That's not how it works, as it turns out. **{{W|Stephanie Clayton}}, [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/02/us/politics/republican-tax-cuts.html How Low Can Taxes Go? Outside Washington, Republicans Find Limits] in the ''New York Times'', 2017 * I believe Ayn Rand's first love poem went: Roses are red/ violets are blue/ finish this poem yourself / you dependent parasite ** [[Stephen Colbert]], [https://twitter.com/stephenathome/status/294303857134153728 twitter post] (2013) * A passionate hater of religion, Rand founded a cult around her own person, complete with rituals of excommunication; a passionate believer in rationality and logic, she was incapable of seeing the contradictions in her own work. She was a rationalist who was not entirely rational; she could not distinguish between rationalism and rationality. Of narrow aesthetic sympathies, she laid down the law in matters of artistic judgment like a panjandrum; a believer in honesty, she was adept at self-deception and special pleading. I have rarely read a biography of a writer I should have cared so little to meet. ** [[Theodore Dalrymple]], [http://www.newcriterion.com/articles.cfm/Ayn-Rand--engineer-of-souls-4385 'Ayn Rand: engineer of souls'], ''The New Criterion'' (2010) *The most devoted member of (Rand's) inner circle," [[George Monbiot]] writes, "was [[Alan Greenspan]], former head of the [[Federal Reserve System|US Federal Reserve]]. Among the essays he wrote for Rand were those published in a book he co-edited with her called ''Capitalism: The Unknown Ideal''. Here, starkly explained, you'll find the philosophy he brought into government. There is no need for the regulation of business—even builders or Big Pharma—he argued, as 'the "greed" of the businessman or, more appropriately, his profit-seeking ... is the unexcelled protector of the consumer.' As for bankers, their need to win the trust of their clients guarantees that they will act with honour and integrity. Unregulated capitalism, he maintains, is a 'superlatively moral system.' **[https://www.alternet.org/2018/04/paul-ryans-biggest-influence-10-things-you-should-know-about-lunatic-ayn-rand/ Paul Ryan’s Biggest Influence: 10 Things You Should Know About the Lunatic Ayn Rand, Jan Frel, ''AlterNet''], (11 April 2018) *Rand makes the individual the center, essentially sacred, but this is key: It's a materialistic philosophy, an atheistic philosophy. She does not believe in God. Rand says very explicitly that she's an atheist.<BR>This is the crux of Rand, the tension point of why she will never fit easily into conservatism. The atheism piece will always be the one that people pretty much decide to ignore and push aside. But it really was an essential part of the package as she saw it. **[https://qz.com/882493/donald-trump-paul-ryan-and-andy-puzder-say-they-love-ayn-rands-controversial-philosophy-heres-what-us-republicans-keep-getting-wrong-about-it/ US Republican leaders love Ayn Rand’s controversial philosophy—and are increasingly misinterpreting it. Thu-Huong Ha,] [[w:Quartz (publication)|Quartz (publication)]] (19 January 2017) * Rand was broken by the Bolsheviks as a girl, and she never left their bootprint behind. She believed her philosophy was Bolshevism's opposite, when in reality it was its twin. Both she and the Soviets insisted a small revolutionary elite in possession of absolute rationality must seize power and impose its vision on a malleable, imbecilic mass. The only difference was that Lenin thought the parasites to be stomped on were the rich, while Rand thought they were the poor. ** [[w:Johann Hari|Johann Hari]], [http://www.slate.com/articles/arts/books/2009/11/how_ayn_rand_became_an_american_icon.html 'How Ayn Rand Became an American Icon'], ''Slate'' (2009) * Objectivism—a view that makes a religious fetish of selfishness and disposes of altruism and compassion as character flaws. If nothing else, this approach to ethics was a triumph of marketing, as Objectivism is basically autism rebranded. And Rand's attempt to make literature out of this awful philosophy produced some commensurately terrible writing. ** [[Sam Harris]], ''[http://www.samharris.org/blog/item/how-to-lose-readers-without-even-trying ''How to Lose Readers (Without Even Trying)''] (August 24, 2011) * We had a very brief exchange. She swelled in anger and spun away, remaining only long enough to say, ‘You are a compromiser.’ ** [[Friedrich Hayek]], quoted in Theodore J. Lowi, [http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/15/books/review/Letters-t-COLLECTIVESH_LETTERS.html letter to ''New York Times''] (November 12, 2009) * Rand has not often had a positive reception from the ethics community for a number of reasons. The major one is that she championed self‐interest loudly and forcefully. For an ethics community committed to the view that morality means restraining and sacrificing self interest this could mean only one thing: She must be urging the strong to do whatever they feel like to the weak. That view, given the long history of ethics, could simply be rejected out of hand. <b>But such a rejection evaluates Rand’s advocacy of self‐interest from within a set of premises about economics and human nature that she rejects.</b> She rejects the belief that ethics starts by taking conflicts of interest as fundamental. She rejects the view that ethics starts by reacting to scarce resources; she rejects the view that ethics starts by reacting to the nasty things some people want to do to each other; and she rejects the view that ethics starts by asking what to do about the poor and unable. ** [[w:Stephen Hicks|Stephen Hicks]], “Ayn Rand and Contemporary Business Ethics,” in <I>Journal of Accounting, Ethics & Public Policy</i>, Volume 3, Number 1 (Winter 2003), pp. 1-26 * I care very much about literature as the place where the real ethical dilemmas are met, so to have novels as transcendently awful as ''Atlas Shrugged'' and ''The Fountainhead'' sort of undermines my project. And though I have some respect for ''The Virtue of Selfishness'', her collection of essays... <b>I don't think there's any need to have essays advocating selfishness among human beings.</b> ** [[Christopher Hitchens]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wYR6e9Z6es 'The Moral Necessity of Atheism'] at Sewanee University (2004) * There have even been outright bad writers blessed by the visitation of a poetic title. Ayn Rand had one with ''The Fountainhead'', and another with ''Atlas Shrugged'': a bit of a mouthful, but nobody has ever spat it out without first being fascinated with what it felt like to chew. Yet if those were not two of the worst books ever written - the worst books ever written don't even get published - they were certainly among the worst books ever to be taken seriously. ** [[Clive James]], ''Cultural Amnesia'' (2007), p. 80 * I have read some of Rand's essays on art and philosophy. They struck me, as I said in a review of a book about her philosophy of art (reprinted in my book ''Art’s Prospect''), as pretty thin gruel. I never made it through either of Rand's two big novels, ''The Fountainhead'' and ''Atlas Shrugged''. To enjoy either, I suspect, you had to have encountered Rand in adolescence, when so many of life's lasting enthusiasms are forged. In recent years, a few friends have urged Rand on me, and I dutifully tried both novels more than once. Each time, I found myself oscillating between fits of the giggles, at the awful prose, and irritation, at the jejune philosophy. ** [[w:Roger Kimball|Roger Kimball]], [https://pjmedia.com/rogerkimball/2010/02/05/one-or-two-thoughts-about-ayn-rand/?singlepage=true 'One or two thoughts about Ayn Rand'], ''PJ Media'' (2010) *Like her other works of fiction and nonfiction, the book [[Atlas Shrugged|''Atlas Shrugged'']] manages to be both deeply sinister and deeply ridiculous, which isn't so easy to do.<BR>Today there is a very small minority of economists who take her ideas seriously. There are virtually no biologists, anthropologists, sociologists, ethologists, geneticists or evolutionary theorists who do. Her ideas about the individual simply do not fit the objective research about how our species behaves and prospers. **[https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-sinister-folly-of-ayn_b_73562 The Sinister Folly of Ayn Rand, Jesse Larner, ''Huffpost''] (20 November 2007) *Ayn Rand helped make the United States into one of the most uncaring nations in the industrialized world, a neo-Dickensian society where healthcare is only for those who can afford it, and where young people are coerced into huge student-loan debt that cannot be discharged in bankruptcy. *While Harriet Beecher Stowe shamed Americans about the United States' dehumanization of African Americans and slavery, Ayn Rand removed Americans' guilt for being selfish and uncaring about anyone except themselves. Not only did Rand make it “moral” for the wealthy not to pay their fair share of taxes, she “liberated” millions of other Americans from caring about the suffering of others, even the suffering of their own children. **[https://www.salon.com/2014/12/15/one_nation_under_galt_how_ayn_rands_toxic_philosophy_permanently_transformed_america_partner/ One nation under Galt: How Ayn Rand's toxic philosophy permanently transformed America,] [[w:Salon (website)|Salon]], [[Bruce E. Levine]], (15 December 2014) * [F]rom the initial outline Ayn Rand provided, a very rich and powerful philosophy emerges – e.g., it solves such problems as science versus free will and moral responsibility, knowledge versus the fact of fallibility. Merely because Rand's ideas were not born in academe or developed in full detail by her, it cannot be concluded that they are unsound. ** [[w:Tibor Machan|Tibor Machan]], ''New York Times'' letter to the editor, [http://www.nytimes.com/1986/08/03/books/l-ayn-rand-s-philosophy-095886.html August 3, 1986]. * I think that in some ways the libertarian movement—possibly due to the combined influence of Ayn Rand and many economists—has gotten to a kind of ideological dead end that I don't think does justice to business or capitalism or human nature. ** [[w:John Mackey (businessman)|John Mackey]], as quoted by Tom G. Palmer “Interview with an Entrepreneur: Featuring John Mackey”, in ''The Morality of Capitalism: What Your Professors Won’t Tell You'' (2011), Ed. Tom G. Palmer, Jameson Books, p. 16. * Many years ago, on a television network far, far away, I expressed support for libertarianism because back then it meant that I didn't want Big Government in my bedroom or my medicine chest, and especially not in the second drawer of the night-stand on the left side of my bed. And I still believe that. But somewhere along the way libertarianism morphed into this creepy obsession with Free Market capitalism based on an Ayn Rand novel called ‘‘Atlas Shrugged’’, a book that’s never been read all the way through by anyone with a girlfriend. ** [[Bill Maher]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55zDEBNqfk4 ‘Bill Maher Trashes Libertarians’] * Rand's guiding vision is clearly what used to be called infantile omnipotence – the childish hope of total control – and her doctrines have great influence because that hope is still always strong in the depths of our hearts. The fear that haunts her is the fear of having to obey someone else. This fear, intelligently disciplined, does indeed lie at the root of our emphasis on liberty, but there is nothing to be said for erecting it on its own into a "heroic" stance of self-admiration. ** [[Mary Midgley]], [http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/belief/2009/may/01/philosophy-religion-hobbes-ayn-rand ‘Hobbes’s Leviathan, part 5’], ‘‘The Guardian’’ (2009) * I have to say I found Ayn Rand’s philosophy laughable. It was "a white supremacist dreams of the master race," burnt in an early-20th century form. Her ideas didn't really appeal to me, but they seemed to be the kind of ideas that people would espouse, people who might secretly believe themselves to be part of the elite, and not part of the excluded majority. ** [[Alan Moore]], in ''Comic Book Artist #9'' (August 2000) "The Charlton Comics Story: 1945-1968" by Jon B. Cooke * Rand tended to believe that questions of fact could be determined by the manipulation of vague terms. This tendency is most clearly illustrated in her so-called "metaphysical" theory of reality, in which she tries to demonstrate the objectivity of reality and validate causality on the basis of cognitively empty tautologies such as "existence exists" and "A is A." ** Grey Nyquist, ''Ayn Rand Contra Human Nature'', iUniverse, 2001. * Ayn Rand is one of those things that a lot of us, when we were 17 or 18 and feeling misunderstood, we'd pick up. Then, as we get older, we realize that a world in which we're only thinking about ourselves and not thinking about anybody else, in which we're considering the entire project of developing ourselves as more important than our relationships to other people and making sure that everybody else has opportunity – that that's a pretty narrow vision. ** [[Barack Obama]], [http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/obama-and-the-road-ahead-the-rolling-stone-interview-20121025 "Obama and the Road Ahead: The Rolling Stone Interview"], 2012 *'''The fiction of Ayn Rand is as low as you can get re fiction. I hope you picked it up off the floor of the subway and threw it in the nearest garbage pail.''' ** [[w:Flannery O’Conner|Flannery O’Connor]], The Habit of Being: Letters of Flannery O'Connor (1979) (ed. Sally Fitzgerald), p. 398 * But all of Rand's heroic capitalists triumph in industries that are now dead or bleeding. It's easy to write potboilers that posit sharp moral distinctions between the makers and takers when you live in a big-shouldered factory world where people still make things. ** [[Laura Penny]], ''More Money Than Brains'' (2010), p. 15 * St. Petersburg in revolt gave us Vladimir Nabokov, Isaiah Berlin and Ayn Rand. The first was a novelist, the second a philosopher. The third was neither but thought she was both. Many other people have thought so too. ** Corey Robin, “Garbage and Gravitas”. ''The Nation'' (2010) * <b>There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old's life: ''The Lord of the Rings'' and ''Atlas Shrugged''. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.</b> ** [[John Rogers]], quoted by [[Paul Krugman]] in [http://krugman.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/09/23/im-ellsworth-toohey/ 'I'm Ellsworth Toohey!'], ''The New York Times'' (2010) * Wit and humor, as might be gathered from this incident, were ''verboten'' in the Randian movement. The philosophical rationale was that humor demonstrates that one "is not serious about one’s values." The actual reason, of course, is that no cult can withstand the piercing and sobering effect, the sane perspective, provided by humor. One was permitted to sneer at one's enemies, but that was the only humor allowed, if humor that be. ** [[Murray Rothbard]], [http://archive.lewrockwell.com/rothbard/rothbard23.html ‘The Sociology of the Ayn Rand Cult’] (1972) * We conclude our analysis of the Rand cult with the observation that here was an extreme example of contradiction between the exoteric and the esoteric creed. That in the name of individuality, reason, and liberty, the Rand cult in effect preached something totally different. The Rand cult was concerned not with every man's individuality, but only with Rand's individuality, not with everyone's right reason but only with Rand's reason. The only individuality that flowered to the extent of blotting out all others, was Ayn Rand's herself; everyone else was to become a cipher subject to Rand's mind and will. ** Murray Rothbard, "The Sociology of the Ayn Rand Cult" (1972) * Many of the battles she engaged in rage on today. There are still debates about the free market, movements lobbying for collectivism and state power, and confrontations between doctrines of self-reliance and doctrines of self-sacrifice. But the world Rand actually wanted her heroes to build now seems far from revolutionary; it can even seem somewhat quaint, an almost retro fantasy. It was a Romantic utopia, in which the tensions of democratic life are not resolved but avoided. ** [[w:Edward Rothstein|Edward Rothstein]], [http://www.nytimes.com/2005/02/02/books/considering-the-last-romantic-ayn-rand-at-100.html ‘Considering the Last Romantic, Ayn Rand, at 100’] in ‘‘The New York Times’’ (2005) * For a time, my politics were similar. We all, I think, go through these periods. Some of us never exit them, holding to the strange belief that Ayn Rand is remotely sane through our entire adult lives. ** Phil Sandifer, [http://projectnes.blogspot.com/2010/03/john-galt-has-been-kidnapped-by-ninjas.html John Galt has been Kidnapped by Ninjas (Bad Dudes)], 2010 *(T)he idealized world Ayn Rand has created to facilitate her wishful theorizing has no more logical connection to our real one than a world in which an author has imagined humanity ruled by intelligent cups of yogurt. This is most obviously revealed by the fact that '''in Ayn Rand’s world, a man who self-righteously instigates the collapse of society, thereby inevitably killing millions if not billions of people, is portrayed as a messiah figure rather than as a genocidal prick''', which is what he’d be anywhere else. ** [[John Scalzi]], [http://whatever.scalzi.com/2010/10/01/what-i-think-about-atlas-shrugged/ What I Think About Atlas Shrugged], 2010 *Ayn Rand is one of the most widely read philosophers of the twentieth century. … Academics have often dismissed her ideas as "pop" philosophy. As a best-selling novelist, a controversial, flamboyant polemicist, and a woman in a male dominated profession, Rand remained outside the academy throughout her life. Her works had inspired passionate responses that echo the uncompromising nature of her moral vision. In many cases, her audiences were either cultish in their devotion or savage in their attacks. *The left was infuriated by her anticommunist, procapitalist politics, whereas the right was disgusted by her atheism and civil libertarianism. **[[w:Chris Matthew Sciabarra|Chris Matthew Sciabarra]], in ''Ayn Rand : The Russian Radical'' (1995) Introduction, p. 1 * The cultic flaw in Ayn Rand's philosophy of Objectivism is not in the use of reason, or in the emphasis on individuality, or in the belief that humans are self motivated, or in the conviction that capitalism is the ideal system. The fallacy in Objectivism is the belief that absolute knowledge and final Truths are attainable through reason, and therefore there can be absolute right and wrong knowledge, and absolute moral and immoral thought and action. For Objectivists, once a principle has been discovered through reason to be True, that is the end of the discussion. If you disagree with the principle, then your reasoning is flawed. If your reasoning is flawed it can be corrected, but if it is not, you remain flawed and do not belong in the group. Excommunication is the final step for such unreformed heretics. ** [[Michael Shermer]], [http://www.2think.org/02_2_she.shtml ‘The Unlikeliest Cult in History’], Skeptic, vol. 2, no. 2. (1993) pp.74-81 *The rich see money as a positive tool that has the power to create freedom and opportunity for themselves and their families. Being wealthy gives them the option to live what author/philosopher Ayn Rand called “an unrestricted existence.” This means having the ability to do what they want, when they want, with whom they want, for as long as they want, without limitations. ** Steve Siebold (2010). ''How Rich People Think'', London House, p. 32 * [M]ore conservative theorists are not discussed... Ayn Rand [doesn't] warrant a mention. ** Christine Stolba, on Rand's complete absence from a selection of widely-used American [[w:women's studies|women's studies]] textbooks despite her prominence, in "[http://www.iwf.org/files/d8dcafa439b9c20386c05f94834460ac.pdf Lying in a Room of One's Own: How Women's Studies Textbooks Miseducate Students]" (2002) *To sum it all up, the [Ayn] Rand belief system looks like this: <br> 1. Facts are facts: things can be absolutely right or absolutely wrong, as determined by reason <br> 2. According to my reasoning, I am absolutely right. <br> 3. Charity is immoral. <br> 4. Pay for your own fucking schools. <br> :* {{w|Matt Taibbi}}, ''Griftopia: Bubble Machines, Vampire Squids, and the Long Con That Is Breaking America'' * This odd little woman is attempting to give a moral sanction to greed and self interest, and to pull it off she must at times indulge in purest Orwellian newspeak of the "freedom is slavery" sort. What interests me most about her is not the absurdity of her "philosophy," but the size of her audience (in my campaign for the House she was the one writer people knew and talked about). She has a great attraction for simple people who are puzzled by organized society, who object to paying taxes, who dislike the "welfare" state, who feel guilt at the thought of the suffering of others but who would like to harden their hearts. For them, she has an enticing prescription: altruism is the root of all evil, self-interest is the only good, and if you're dumb or incompetent that's your lookout. ** [[Gore Vidal]], [http://www.esquire.com/features/gore-vidal-archive/comment-0761 "Comment", ''Esquire'' (July 1961)] *For to justify and extol human greed and egotism is to my mind not only immoral, but evil. *For one thing, it is gratuitous to advise any human being to look out for himself. You can be sure that he will. It is far more difficult to persuade him to help his neighbor to build a dam or to defend a town or to give food he has accumulated to the victims of a famine. But since we must live together, dependent upon one another for many things and services, altruism is necessary to survival. To get people to do needed things is the perennial hard task of government, not to mention of religion and philosophy. *That it is right to help someone less fortunate is an idea which has figured in most systems of conduct since the beginning of the race. We often fail. That predatory demon “I” is difficult to contain but until now we have all agreed that to help others is a right action. [...] *Ayn Rand's "philosophy" is nearly perfect in its immorality, which makes the size of her audience all the more ominous and symptomatic as we enter a curious new phase in our society. To justify and extol human greed and egotism is to my mind not only immoral, but evil. ** [[Gore Vidal]], [http://www.esquire.com/features/gore-vidal-archive/comment-0761 "Comment", ''Esquire'' (July 1961)] * Right-wing think tanks can have Rand (even if she had little use for them). In the academy, she is a nonperson. Her theories are works of fiction. Her works of fiction are theories, and bad ones at that. Should the Republicans actually win in 2012, we might need to study her in the academic world. It would be for the same reason we sometimes need to study creationism. ** [[Alan Wolfe]], [http://chronicle.com/blogs/conversation/2012/08/19/the-ridiculous-rise-of-ayn-rand/ ‘The Ridiculous Rise of Ayn Rand’], The Chronicle of Higher Education (2012) *Ayn Rand was smart yet bitter enough enough to wedge herself into an airtight corner of [[Circular reasoning|circular arguments]] and rewritten history. *Her philosophical system was able to filter out any [[evidence]] or [[argument]] that might challenge or correct the system. It reached a halt-state. There was no way to get her out or reach in to her from the outside: her system is too ironclad. ** [[John C. Wright]], [http://www.scifiwright.com/2017/06/objectivism-and-alt-right/ "Objectivism and Alt-Right"] (2017) ==External links== *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{wikisource-inline|Author:Ayn Rand}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} {{Social and political philosophers}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Rand, Ayn}} [[Category:Atheism activists]] [[Category:Activists from the United States]] [[Category:Anti-communists]] [[Category:Anti-fascists]] [[Category:Anti-war activists]] [[Category:Critics of religion]] [[Category:Novelists from the United States]] [[Category:Playwrights from the United States]] [[Category:Essayists from the United States]] [[Category:Philosophers from the United States]] [[Category:Screenwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Science fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Atheists from the United States]] [[Category:American Jews]] [[Category:Russian Jews]] [[Category:1905 births]] [[Category:1982 deaths]] [[Category:Monarchists]] [[Category:Objectivists]] [[Category:Philosophers from Russia]] [[Category:Russian novelists]] [[Category:Russian essayists]] [[Category:Russian playwrights]] [[Category:Political authors]] [[Category:Women authors]] [[Category:American women]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from Russia]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:People from St. Petersburg]] [[Category:Secularists]] [[Category:Jewish atheists]] [[Category:Women born in the 20th century]] tcs5g95wc5ue7huevo6mv4neb5uessm 3158104 3157932 2022-08-26T10:06:58Z BinaryPhoton 1051712 fixed reference I put in yesterday (when the dogs were anxiously jumping on me to go outside to play fetch) wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Ayn Rand (1943 Talbot portrait).jpg|right|thumb|225px|I am. I think. I will.]] [[File:Pola Negri by Ayn Rand cover.jpg|thumb|'Free competition enforced by law' is a grotesque contradiction in terms.]] '''[[w:Ayn Rand|Ayn Rand]]''' ([[2 February]] [[1905]] &ndash; [[6 March]] [[1982]]) was a Russian-born American [[novelist]], [[philosopher]], playwright, and screenwriter. She is known for her bestselling novels, ''[[The Fountainhead]]'' and ''[[Atlas Shrugged]]'', and for developing a philosophical system called [[w:Objectivism_(Ayn_Rand)|Objectivism]]. :See also :: '''''[[Atlas Shrugged]]''''' (1957) :: '''''[[The Fountainhead]]''''' (1943) ==Quotes== [[File:WTC Twin Towers Night July 2001.jpg|thumb|I would give the greatest sunset in the world for one sight of New York's skyline. The shapes and the thought that made them. The sky over New York and the will of man made visible. What other religion do we need?]] [[File:Lower Manhattan Skyline March 2001.jpg|thumb|Is it beauty and genius they want to see? Do they seek a sense of the sublime? Let them come to New York, stand on the shore of the Hudson, look and kneel. When I see the city from my window? No, I don't feel how small I am. But, I feel that if a war came to threaten this? I would like to throw myself into space, over the city, and protect these buildings with my body.]] ; 1930s * I hope you will understand my hesitation in writing to one whom I admire as the greatest representative of a philosophy to which I want to dedicate my whole life. ** Letter to [[H.L. Mencken]] July 28, 1934. ;1940s * That particular sense of sacred rapture men say they experience in contemplating nature- I've never received it from nature, only from. Buildings, Skyscrapers. I would give the greatest sunset in the world for one sight of New York's skyline. The shapes and the thought that made them. The sky over New York and the will of man made visible. What other religion do we need? And then people tell me about pilgrimages to some dank pest-hole in a jungle where they go to do homage to a crumbling temple, to a leering stone monster with a pot belly, created by some leprous savage. Is it beauty and genius they want to see? Do they seek a sense of the sublime? Let them come to New York, stand on the shore of the Hudson, look and kneel. When I see the city from my window - no, I don't feel how small I am - but I feel that if a war came to threaten this, I would like to throw myself into space, over the city, and protect these buildings with my body. ** ''[[The Fountainhead]]'' (1943). * An individualist is a man who says: "I'll not run anyone's life – nor let anyone run mine. I will not rule nor be ruled. I will not be a master nor a slave. I will not sacrifice myself to anyone – nor sacrifice anyone to myself." ** [http://laissez-fairerepublic.com/textbook.htm ''Textbook of Americanism''] (1946). ;1960s * “Free competition enforced by law” is a grotesque contradiction in terms. ** The Objectivist Newsletter “Antitrust: The Rule of Unreason,” The Objectivist Newsletter, Feb. 1962, 1 * I am not primarily an advocate of capitalism, but of egoism; and I am not primarily an advocate of egoism, but of reason. If one recognizes the supremacy of reason and applies it consistently, all the rest follows. ** ''Introducing Objectivism''. The Objectivist Newsletter, Vol. 1, No. 8. August, 1962. p. 35. * Objectivism is a philosophical movement; since politics is a branch of philosophy, Objectivism advocates certain political principles — specifically, those of laissez-faire capitalism — as the consequence and the ultimate practical application of its fundamental philosophical principles. It does not regard politics as a separate or primary goal, that is: as a goal that can be achieved without a wider ideological context. . . . Objectivists are not "conservatives." We are radicals for capitalism; we are fighting for that philosophical base which capitalism did not have and without which it was doomed to perish. ** “Choose Your Issues,” The Objectivist Newsletter, Vol. 1, No. 1 (1962) * There is no difference between communism and socialism, except in the means of achieving the same ultimate end: communism proposes to enslave men by force, socialism—by vote. It is merely the difference between murder and suicide. ** "Foreign Policy Drains U.S. of Main Weapon," ''Los Angeles Times'', Sept. 9. 1962, G2 — as reported in ''[http://aynrandlexicon.com/lexicon/socialism.html The Ayn Rand Lexicon]: Objectivism from A to Z'' (1986) * What is greatness? I will answer: it is the capacity to live by the three fundamental values of John Galt: reason, purpose, self-esteem. ** ''Playboy'' Interview (March 1964) ;1970s * Even if smog were a risk to human life, we must remember that life in nature, without technology, is wholesale death. ** ''The Objectivist'' February 1971 * Above all, do not join the wrong ideological groups or movements, in order to “do something.” By “ideological” (in this context), I mean groups or movements proclaiming some vaguely generalized, undefined (and, usually, contradictory) political goals. (E.g., the Conservative Party, that subordinates reason to faith, and substitutes theocracy for capitalism; or the “libertarian” hippies, who subordinate reason to whims, and substitute anarchism for capitalism.) To join such groups means to reverse the philosophical hierarchy and to sell out fundamental principles for the sake of some superficial political action which is bound to fail. ** “What Can One Do?” The Ayn Rand Letter, Vol. 1, No. 7 (1972) * Now, I don't care to discuss the alleged complaints American Indians have against this country. I believe, with good reason, the most unsympathetic Hollywood portrayal of Indians and what they did to the white man. They had no right to a country merely because they were born here and then acted like savages. The white man did not conquer this country... ** Address To The Graduating Class Of The United States Military Academy at West Point, 1974 * The Arabs are one of the least developed cultures. They are typically nomads. Their culture is primitive, and they resent Israel because it's the sole beachhead of modern science and civilization on their continent. When you have civilized men fighting savages, you support the civilized men, no matter who they are." ** Ayn Rand Ford Hall Forum lecture, 1974, text published on the website of The Ayn Rand Institute [http://www.aynrand.org/site/PageServer?pagename=media_america_at_war_israeli_arab_conflict] * The worst evil that you can do, psychologically, is to laugh at yourself. That means spitting in your own face. ** Question period following Lecture 11 of Leonard Peikoff's series "The Philosophy of Objectivism," 1976 * The trouble with the world today is philosophical: only the right philosophy can save us. But this party plagiarizes some of my ideas, mixes them with the exact opposite—with religionists, anarchists and every intellectual misfit and scum they can find—and call themselves libertarians and run for office. ** Rand, Ayn (2005). Mayhew, Robert, ed. Ayn Rand Answers, the Best of Her Q&A. New York: New American Library. p. 73. (1976) ;2000s * They (Native Americans) didn't have any rights to the land, and there was no reason for anyone to grant them rights which they had not conceived and were not using. What was it that they were fighting for, when they opposed white men on this continent? For their wish to continue a primitive existence, their 'right' to keep part of the earth untouched, unused and not even as property, but just keep everybody out so that you will live practically like an animal, or a few caves above it. Any white person who brings the element of civilization has the right to take over this continent. ** Q and A session following her address to the graduating class of The United States Military Academy at West Point, New York, March 6, 1974 - found in ''Endgame: Resistance'', by Derrick Jensen, Seven Stories Press, 2006, pg 220 * Do you know that my personal crusade in life (in the philosophical sense) is not merely to fight collectivism, nor to fight altruism? These are only consequences, effects, not causes. I am out after the real cause, the real root of evil on earth — the irrational. ** Goddess of the Market: Ayn Rand and the American Right, 2009, p. 100 ;Incomplete source info *If you mean whose side one should be on, Israel or the Arabs, I would certainly say Israel because it's the advanced, technological, civilized country amidst a group of almost totally primitive savages who have not changed for years and who are racist and who resent Israel because it's bringing industry, intelligence, and modern technology into their stagnation. ** Q and A session during taping of Donohue, Live in New York (1979) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uHSv1asFvU Ayn Rand on Israel and the Middle East] *It took centuries of intellectual, philosophical development to achieve political freedom. It was a long struggle, stretching from Aristotle to John Locke to the Founding Fathers. The system they established was not based on unlimited majority but on its opposite: on individual rights, which were not to be alienated by majority vote or minority plotting. The individual was not left at the mercy of his neighbors or his leaders: the Constitutional system of checks and balances was scientifically devised to protect him from both. This was the great American achievement—and if concern for the actual welfare of other nations were our present leaders' motive, this is what we should have been teaching the world. Instead, we are deluding the ignorant and the semi-savage by telling them that no political knowledge is necessary—that our system is only a matter of subjective preference—that any prehistorical form of tribal tyranny, gang rule, and slaughter will do just as well, with our sanction and support. It is thus that we encourage the spectacle of Algerian workers marching through the streets [in the 1962 Civil War] and shouting the demand: "Work, not blood!"—without knowing what great knowledge and virtue are required to achieve it. In the same way, in 1917, the Russian peasants were demanding: "Land and Freedom!" But Lenin and Stalin is what they got. In 1933, the Germans were demanding: "Room to live!" But what they got was Hitler. In 1793, the French were shouting: "Liberty, Equality, Fraternity!" What they got was Napoleon. In 1776, the Americans were proclaiming "The Rights of Man"—and, led by political philosophers, they achieved it. No revolution, no matter how justified, and no movement, no matter how popular, has ever succeeded without a political philosophy to guide it, to set its direction and goal. ** ''The Ayn Rand Column'' *"The people of Algiers marched through the streets of the city, in desperate protest against the new threat of civil war, shouting: 'We want peace! We want a government!' How are they to go about getting it? Through the years of civil war, they had been united, not by any political philosophy, but only by a racial issue. They were fighting, not for any program, but only against French rule. When they won their independence, they fell apart - into rival tribes and armed 'willayas' fighting one another" ** ''The Ayn Rand Column'' 'Blind Chaos' * Let no man posture as an advocate of peace if he proposes or supports any social system that initiates the use of force against individual men, in any form. ** ''For the New Intellectual'' * Man—every man—is an end in himself, not a means to the ends of others; he must live for his own sake, neither sacrificing himself to others nor sacrificing others to himself; he must work for his rational self-interest, with the achievement of his own happiness as the highest moral purpose of his life. ** ''The Ayn Rand Column'' ‘Introducing Objectivism’ ===''We The Living'' (1936) === * Do you believe in God, Andrei? No. Neither do I. But that's a favorite question of mine. An upside-down question, you know. What do you mean? Well, if I asked people whether they believed in life, they'd never understand what I meant. It's a bad question. It can mean so much that it really means nothing. So I ask them if they believe in God. And if they say they do—then, I know they don't believe in life. Why? Because, you see, God—whatever anyone chooses to call God—is one's highest conception of the highest possible. And whoever places his highest conception above his own possibility thinks very little of himself and his life. It's a rare gift, you know, to feel reverence for your own life and to want the best, the greatest, the highest possible, here, now, for your very own. To imagine a heaven and then not to dream of it, but to demand it. ** Source: ''We The Living'' Part One Chapter 9 * There is no such thing as duty. If you know that a thing is right, you want to do it. If you don't want to do it—it isn't right. If it's right and you don't want to do it—you don't know what right is and you're not a man. ** Source: ''We The Living'' Part One Chapter 6 * There is only one thing that matters and that we'll remember. The rest doesn't matter. I don't care what life is to be nor what it does to us. But it won't break us. Neither you nor me. That's our only weapon. That's the only banner we can hold against all those others around us. That's all we have to know about the future. * The highest thing in a man is not his god. It's that in him which knows the reverence due a god. You are my highest reverence. ** Source: ''We The Living'' Last Page * A moment or an eternity—did it matter? Life, undefeated, existed and could exist. She smiled, her last smile, to so much that had been possible. ===''[[w:Anthem (novella)|Anthem]]'' (1937)=== * "I am. I think. I will." * I need no warrant for being, and no word of sanction upon my being. I am the warrant and the sanction. * And now I see the face of god, and I raise this god over the earth, this god whom men have sought since men came into being, this god who will grant them joy and peace and pride. This god, this one word: 'I.' * Neither am I the means to any end others may wish to accomplish. I am not a tool for their use. I am not a servant of their needs. I am not a bandage for their wounds, I am not a sacrifice on their altars. * There is nothing to take a man's freedom away from him, save other men. To be free, a man must be free of his brothers. * This miracle of me is mine to own and keep, and mine to guard, and mine to use, and mine to kneel before...The fortune of my spirit is not to be blown into coins of brass and flung to the winds as alms for the poor of spirit. * '''I shall choose friends among men, but neither slaves nor masters. And I shall choose only such as please me, and them I shall love and respect, but neither command nor obey. And we shall join our hands when we wish, or walk alone when we so desire.''' *In the temple of his spirit, each man is alone. *It is not good to feel too much joy, nor to be glad that our body lives. For we matter not and it must not matter to us whether we live or die, which is to be as our brothers will it. But we, Equality 7-2521, are glad to be living. If this is a vice, then we wish no virtue. *No single one can possess greater wisdom than the many scholars who are elected by all the men for their wisdom. Yet we can. We do. We have fought against saying it, but now it is said. We do not care. We forget all men, all laws and all things save our metals and our wires. So much is still to be learned! So long a road lies before us, and what care we if we must travel it alone! ===''Capitalism: The Unknown Ideal'' (1966)=== * The spread of evil is the symptom of a vacuum. Whenever evil wins, it is only by default: by the moral failure of those who evade the fact that there can be no compromise on basic principles. *In a capitalist society, all human relationships are voluntary. Men are free to cooperate or not, to deal with one another or not, as their own individual judgments, convictions and interests dictate. *Statism is a system of institutionalized violence and perpetual civil war. It leaves men no choice but to fight to seize political power -- to rob or be robbed, to kill or be killed. ... Statism survives by looting; a free country survives by production. **Ch. 2 "Roots of War", p. 36-37 *America's abundance was created not by public sacrifices to the common good, but by the productive genius of free men who pursued their own personal interests and the making of their own private fortunes. They did not starve the people to pay for America's industrialization. They gave the people better jobs, higher wages, and cheaper goods with every new machine they invented, with every scientific discovery or technological advance- and thus the whole country was moving forward and profiting, not suffering, every step of the way. *Economic power is exercised by means of a positive, by offering men a reward, an incentive, a payment, a value; political power is exercised by means of a negative, by the threat of punishment, injury, imprisonment, destruction. The businessman's tool is values; the bureaucrat's tool is fear. *A gun is not an argument. * So long as [men] hold the tribal notion that the individual is sacrificial fodder for the collective, that some men have the right to rule others by force, and that some (any) alleged 'good' can justify It — there can be no peace ‘within’ a nation and no peace among nations. * When the common good of a society is regarded as something apart from and superior to the individual good of its members, it means that the good of some men takes precedence over the good of others, with those others consigned to the status of sacrificial animals. *An attempt to achieve the good by force is like an attempt to provide a man with a picture gallery at the price of cutting out his eyes. *Businessmen are the one group that distinguishes capitalism and the American way of life from the totalitarian statism that is swallowing the rest of the world. All the other social groups- workers, farmers, professional men, scientists, soldiers- exist under dictatorships, even though they exist in chains, in terror, in misery, and in progressive self-destruction. But there is no such group as businessmen under a dictatorship. Their place is taken by armed thugs: by bureaucrats and commissars. Businessmen are the symbol of a free society- the symbol of America. *Every government interference in the economy consists of giving an unearned benefit, extorted by force, to some men at the expense of others. *Every movement that seeks to enslave a country, every dictatorship or potential dictatorship, needs some minority group as a scapegoat which it can blame for the nation's troubles and use as a justification of its own demands for dictatorial powers. In Soviet Russia, the scapegoat was the bourgeoisie; in Nazi Germany, it was the Jewish people; in America, it is the businessmen. *It is futile to fight against, if one does not know what one is fighting for. *'''Remember also that the smallest minority on earth is the individual. Those who deny individual rights, cannot claim to be defenders of minorities.''' :* Ch. 2 "America's Persecuted Minority: Big Business", p. 61 *Capitalism has created the highest standard of living ever known on earth. The evidence is incontrovertible. The contrast between West and East Berlin is the latest demonstration, like a laboratory experiment for all to see. Yet those who are loudest in proclaiming their desire to eliminate poverty are loudest in denouncing capitalism. Man's well-being is not their goal. *Let anyone who believes that a high standard of living is the achievement of labor unions and government controls ask himself the following question: If one had a "time machine" and transported the united labor chieftains of America, plus three million government bureaucrats, back to the tenth century—would they be able to provide the medieval serf with electric light, refrigerators, automobiles, and television sets? * It took centuries of intellectual, philosophical development to achieve political [[freedom]]. It was a long struggle, stretching from [[Aristotle]] to [[John Locke]] to the [[Founding Fathers of the United States|Founding Fathers]]. The system they established was not based on unlimited majority rule, but on its opposite: on individual rights, which were not to be alienated by majority vote or minority plotting. The individual was not left at the mercy of his neighbors or his leaders: the Constitutional system of checks and balances was scientifically devised to protect him from both. This was the great American achievement—and if concern for the actual welfare of other nations were our present leaders' motive, this is what we should have been teaching the world. ===''The Virtue of Selfishness'' (1964)=== :<small> This collection includes a 1963 essay quoted at [[Nathaniel Branden]]. </small> *Man is the only living species that has the power to act as his own destroyer—and that is the way he has acted through most of his history. *The men who attempt to survive, not by means of reason, but by means of force, are attempting to survive by the method of animals. *Neither life nor happiness can be achieved by the pursuit of irrational whims. Just as man is free to attempt to survive by any random means, as a parasite, a moocher or a looter, but not free to succeed at it beyond the range of the moment—so he is free to seek his happiness in any irrational fraud, any whim, any delusion, any mindless escape from reality, but not free to succeed at it beyond the range of the moment nor to escape the consequences. **Sometimes paraphrased as "You can ignore reality, but you cannot ignore the consequences of ignoring reality." *The only proper, moral purpose of a government is to protect man's rights, which means: to protect him from physical violence—to protect his right to his own life, to his own liberty, to his own property and to the pursuit of his own happiness. Without property rights, no other rights are possible. *When I say “capitalism,” I mean a full, pure, uncontrolled, unregulated laissez-faire capitalism—with a separation of state and economics, in the same way and for the same reasons as the separation of state and church. *Poverty, ignorance, illness and other problems of that kind are not metaphysical emergencies. By the metaphysical nature of man and of existence, man has to maintain his life by his own effort; the values he needs—such as wealth or knowledge—are not given to him automatically, as a gift of nature, but have to be discovered and achieved by his own thinking and work. *When one observes the nightmare of the desperate efforts made by hundreds of thousands of people struggling to escape from the socialized countries of Europe, to escape over barbed-wire fences, under machine-gun fire—one can no longer believe that socialism, in any of its forms, is motivated by benevolence and by the desire to achieve men's welfare. *When you consider socialism, do not fool yourself about its nature. Remember that there is no such dichotomy as “human rights” versus “property rights.” No human rights can exist without property rights. *Capitalism is the only system where such men are free to function and where progress is accompanied, not by forced privations, but by a constant rise in the general level of prosperity, of consumption and of enjoyment of life. * Observe, in politics, that the term extremism has become a synonym of "evil," regardless of the content of the issue (the evil is not what you are extreme about, but that you are "extreme"—i.e., consistent). *Since only an individual man can possess rights, the expression “individual rights” is a redundancy (which one has to use for purposes of clarification in today's intellectual chaos). But the expression “collective rights” is a contradiction in terms. *Man's rights can be violated only by the use of physical force. It is only by means of physical force that one man can deprive another of his life, or enslave him, or rob him, or prevent him from pursuing his own goals, or compel him to act against his own rational judgment. *Any group or “collective,” large or small, is only a number of individuals. A group can have no rights other than the rights of its individual members. * When a man declares: "There are no blacks and whites [in morality]" he is making a psychological confession, and what he means is: "''I'' am unwilling to be wholly good—and please don't regard me as wholly evil!" * Errors of knowledge are not breaches of morality; no proper moral code can demand infallibility or omniscience. * '''Racism is the lowest, most crudely primitive form of collectivism.'''&nbsp; It is the notion of ascribing moral, social or political significance to a man's genetic lineage—the notion that a man's intellectual and characterological traits are produced and transmitted by his internal body chemistry.&nbsp; Which means, in practice, that a man is to be judged, not by his own character and actions, but by the characters and actions of a collective of ancestors. :Racism claims that the content of a man's mind (not his cognitive apparatus, but its content) is inherited; that a man's convictions, values and character are determined before he is born, by physical forces beyond his control.&nbsp; This is the caveman's version of the doctrine of innate ideas—or of inherited knowledge—which has been thoroughly refuted by philosophy and science.&nbsp; '''Racism is a doctrine of, by and for brutes.'''&nbsp; It is a barnyard or stock-farm version of collectivism, appropriate to a mentality that differentiates between various breeds of animals, but not between animals and men.[http://alexpeak.com/twr/racism/] * A genius is a genius, regardless of the number of morons who belong to the same race—and a moron is a moron, regardless of the number of geniuses who share his racial origin.[http://alexpeak.com/twr/racism/] * The skyline of New York is a monument of a splendor that no pyramids or palaces will ever equal or approach. * All the reasons which made the initiation of physical force evil, make the retaliatory use of physical force a moral imperative. * Individual rights are the means of subordinating society to moral law. * The moral precept to adopt...is: Judge, and be prepared to be judged. * Ask yourself why totalitarian dictatorships find it necessary to pour money and effort into propaganda for their own helpless, chained, gagged slaves, who have no means of protest or defense. The answer is that even the humblest peasant or the lowest savage would rise in blind rebellion, were he to realize that he is being immolated, not to some incomprehensible noble purpose, but to plain, naked human evil. *The moral cannibalism of all hedonist and altruist doctrines lies in the premise that the happiness of one man necessitates the injury of another. *Individual rights are not subject to a public vote; a majority has no right to vote away the rights of a minority; the political function of rights is precisely to protect minorities from oppression by majorities (and the smallest minority on earth is the individual). *Since there is no such entity as ‘''the public'',’ since the public is merely a number of individuals, any claimed or implied conflict of ‘the public interest’ with private interests means that the interests of some men are to be sacrificed to the interests and wishes of others. Since the concept is so conveniently undefinable, its use rests only on any given gang's ability to proclaim that ‘The public, ''c’est moi’''—and to maintain the claim at the point of a gun. **Chap. 11, “The Monument Builders” ===''Apollo and Dionysus'' (1969)=== [[File:Woodstock_redmond_rain.JPG|thumb|It is man's irrational emotions that [[w:Woodstock Festival|bring him down to the mud]]...]][[File:Apollo 11 launch.jpg|thumb|...It is man's reason that [[w:Apollo 11|lifts him to the stars]].]] *[''On the attendees at the launch of Apollo 11''] Those people were not a stampeding herd, nor a manipulated mob; they did not wreck the Florida communities, they did not devastate the countryside, they did not throw themselves, like whining thugs, at the mercy of their victims - they did not create any victims. They came as responsible individuals able to project the reality of two or three days ahead, and to provide for their own needs. There were people of every age, creed, color, educational level and economic status. They lived and slept in tents, or in their cars, some for several days, in great discomfort and unbearable heat; they did it gamely, cheerfully, gaily; they projected a general feeling of confident goodwill, the bond of a common enthusiasm; they created a public spectacle of responsible privacy - and they departed as they had come, without benefit of press agents. *One of the paradoxes of our age is the fact that the intellectuals, the politicians, and all the sundry voices that choke like asthma the throat of our communications media, have never gasped and stuttered so loudly about their devotion to the public good, and about the people's will as the supreme criterion of value - and never have they been so grossly indifferent to the people. The reason, obviously, is that collectivist slogans serve as the rationalization for those who intend, not to follow the people, but to rule them. *The most profound breach in this country is not between the rich and the poor, but between the people and the intellectuals. In their view of life, the American people are predominantly Apollonian. The mainstream intellectuals are Dionysian. This means the people are reality-oriented, common sense-oriented, technology-oriented. The intellectuals call this "materialistic," and "middle-class." The intellectuals are emotion-oriented, and seek in panic an escape from a reality they are unable to deal with, and from a technological civilization that ignores their feelings. *And this is the whole shabby secret: to some men, the sight of an achievement is a reproach, a reminder that their own lives are irrational, and that there is no loophole - no escape from reason and reality. Their resentment is the cornered Dionysian element baring its teeth. * '''Some day, the world will discover that, without thought, there can be no love.''' * [The hippies] were told that love - indiscriminate love for one's fellow man - is the highest virtue, and they obeyed. They were told that the merging of one's self with a herd, tribe, or community is the noblest way for a man to live, and they obeyed. There isn't a philosophical idea of today's establishment which they have not accepted, which they do not share. When they discovered this philosophy did not work, because in fact it cannot work, the hippies had neither the wit nor the courage to challenge it. They found, instead, an outlet for their impotent frustration by accusing their elders of hypocrisy, as if hypocrisy were the only obstacle to the realization of their dreams. And, left blindly, helplessly lobotomized in the face of an inexplicable reality that is not amenable to their feelings, they have no recourse but the shouting of obscenities at anything that frustrates their whims; at man, or at the rainy sky, indiscriminately, with no concept of the difference. '''It is typical of today's culture that the proponents of seething, raging hostility are taken as advocates of love.''' *There is a kind of malicious wink, a contemptuous sneer in the public voices claiming the hippies as heroes. The hippies are a desperate herd looking for a master, to be taken over by anyone - anyone who would tell them how to live without demanding the effort of thinking. Theirs is the mentality ready for a fuhrer. *The hippies are the living demonstration of what it means to give up reason, and to rely on one's primeval instincts, urges, intuitions, and whims. With such tools, they are unable to grasp even what is needed to satisfy their wishes; for example, the wish to have a festival. Where would they be without the charity of the local "squares" who fed them? Where would they be without the fifty doctors rushed from New York to save their lives? Without the automobiles that brought them to the festival? Without the soda pop and beer they substituted for water? Without the helicopters that brought the entertainers? Without all the achievements of the technological civilization they denounce? Left to their own devices, they literally didn't know enough to come in out of the rain. *It is fear that drives [the hippies] to seek the warmth, the protection, the safety of a herd. When they speak of merging themselves into a "greater whole," it is their fear that they hope to drown in the undemanding waves of unfastidious human bodies - and what they hope to fish out of that pool is the momentary illusion of an unearned personal significance. *Is there any doubt that drug addiction is an escape from an unbearable inner state - from a reality that one cannot deal with - from an atrophying mind one can never fully destroy? If Apollonian reason were unnatural to man, and Dionysian intuition brought him closer to nature and truth, the apostles of irrationality would not have to resort to drugs. Happy, self-confident men do not seek to get stoned. Drug addiction is the attempt to obliterate one's consciousness, the quest for a deliberately-induced insanity. As such, it is so obscene and evil that any doubt about the moral character of its practitioners is itself an obscenity. *You have all heard the old bromide to the effect that man has his eyes on the stars and his feet in the mud. It is usually taken to mean that man's reason and his physical senses are the element pulling him down to the mud while his mystical, super-rational emotions are the element that lifts him to the stars. This is the grimmest inversion of many in mankind's history. But, last summer, reality offered you a literal dramatization of the truth. It is man's irrational emotions that [[w:Woodstock Festival|bring him down to the mud]]. It is man's reason that [[w:Apollo 11|lifts him to the stars]]. ===''The Romantic Manifesto'' (1969)=== *Art is a selective re-creation of reality according to an artist's individual value-judgments. ** Chapter 1 ("The Psycho-Epistemology of Art") * Anyone who fights for the future, lives in it today. * An artist reveals his naked soul in his work - and so, gentle reader, do you when you respond to it. * Pity for the guilty is treason to the innocent. * Art is man's metaphysical mirror; what a rational man seeks to see in that mirror is a salute; what an irrational man seeks to see is a justification – even if only a justification of his depravity, as a last convulsion of his betrayed self-esteem. ** Chapter 3 ("Art and Sense of Life") * Definitions are the guardians of rationality, the first line of defense against the chaos of mental disintegration. ** Chapter 3 ("Art and Cognition") ===''The New Left: The Anti-Industrial Revolution'' (1971)=== *An Asian peasant who labors through all of his waking hours, with tools created in Biblical times—a South American aborigine who is devoured by piranha in a jungle stream—an African who is bitten by the tsetse fly—an Arab whose teeth are green with decay in his mouth—these do live with their 'natural environment,' but are scarcely able to appreciate its beauty. Try to tell a Chinese mother, whose child is dying of cholera: 'Should one do everything one can? Of course not.' Try to tell a Russian housewife, who trudges miles on foot in sub-zero weather in order to spend hours standing in line at a state store dispensing food rations, that America is defiled by shopping centers, expressways and family cars. ** p. 88 *By the same principle, the government may not give special leniency to the perpetrator of a crime, on the grounds of the nature of his ideas. ** p. 99 *A crime is the violation of the right(s) of other men by force (or fraud). It is only the initiation of physical force against others- i.e., the recourse to violence- that can be classified as a crime in a free society (as distinguished from a civil wrong). Ideas, in a free society, are not a crime- and neither can they serve as the justification of a crime. ** p. 99 *There is a level of cowardice lower than that of the conformist: the fashionable non-conformist. ** p. 123 *Contrary to the ecologists, nature does not stand still and does not maintain the kind of equilibrium that guarantees the survival of any particular species - least of all the survival of her greatest and most fragile product: man. ** p. 134 *...observe that in all the propaganda of the ecologists&mdash;amidst all their appeals to nature and pleas for 'harmony with nature'&mdash;there is no discussion of man's needs and the requirements of his survival. Man is treated as if he were an unnatural phenomenon. Man cannot survive in the kind of state of nature that the ecologists envision&mdash;i.e., on the level of sea urchins or polar bears... ** p. 136 * Today, racism is regarded as a crime if practiced by a majority—but as an inalienable right if practiced by a minority. ** p. 167 ===The Ayn Rand Letter (1971–1976)=== * Thanksgiving is a typically American holiday... The lavish meal is a symbol of the fact that abundant consumption is the result and reward of production. *The right to vote is a consequence, not a primary cause, of a free social system—and its value depends on the constitutional structure implementing and strictly delimiting the voters' power; unlimited majority rule is an instance of the principle of tyranny. *Competition is a by-product of productive work, not its goal. A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others. *Honor is self-esteem made visible in action. ===''Philosophy: Who Needs It'' (1982)=== New York, NY, Bobbs-Merrill, 1982 * There are only two means by which men can deal with one another: guns or logic. Force or persuasion. Those who know that they cannot win by means of logic, have always resorted to guns. * The secret dread of modern intellectuals, liberals and conservatives alike, the unadmitted terror at the root of their anxiety, which all of their current irrationalities are intended to stave off and to disguise, is the unstated knowledge that Soviet Russia is the full, actual, literal, consistent embodiment of the morality of altruism, that Stalin did ''not'' corrupt a noble ideal, that this is the only way altruism has to be or can ever be practiced. **p. 84. * The conservatives see man as a body freely roaming the earth, building sand piles or factories—with an electronic computer inside his skull, controlled from Washington. The liberals see man as a soul freewheeling to the farthest reaches of the universe—but wearing chains from nose to toes when he crosses the street to buy a loaf of bread. ===''The Voice of Reason'' (1989)=== *A culture is made — or destroyed — by its articulate voices. *Aristotle may be regarded as the cultural barometer of Western history. Whenever his influence dominated the scene, it paved the way for one of history's brilliant eras; whenever it fell, so did mankind. *Every coercive monopoly was created by government intervention into the economy: by special privileges, such as franchises or subsidies, which closed the entry of competitors into a given field, by legislative action. ===''Journals of Ayn Rand'' (1997)=== *The purpose of my work: to introduce, or, rather, to re-introduce the original ways of human development. Once viewed as personal responsibility, personal growth, education, and social doctrine were highly effective. Now that they have begun to be approached as an "acceptance," our ideals have begun to rely on the willingness of others to go along with our philosophies. It is now time for us to return to the selfish ideals of the past. *Never demand of another that which would constitute his sacrifice to you. Never grant that which would constitute your sacrifice to him. *Never initiate the use of force against another man. Never let his use of force against you remain unanswered by force. *The actions of all group leaders throughout history have had one common element: [[w:altruism|altruism]] - common good of the collective. Religious leaders and the "moral" majority condemn the likes of [[w:Adolf Hitler|Hitler]], [[w:Joseph Stalin|Stalin]], etc. but their movements and foundations are alike. *... if the majority of men cannot know what is good for them, each for himself, how can they know what is good for others by proxy? If they are to be controlled by specialists, how and by what standard can they choose the specialist? *The human race has only two unlimited capacities: one for suffering and one for lying. I want to fight religion as the root of all human lying and the only excuse for human suffering. *All progress is the work of individuals. *Selfishness does not mean only to do things for one's self. One may do things, affecting others, for his own pleasure and benefit. This is not immoral, but the highest of morality. *The second handers offer substitutes for competence such as love, charm, kindness - easy substitutes - and there is no substitute for creation. *On second handers: [They are] always concerned with people - not facts, ideas, work or production. What would happen to the world without those who think, work, and produce? == Quotes about Rand== :<small>''Alphabetized by author''</small> * It is difficult to accord an important place to Ayn Rand either as a novelist or as a thinker. And yet there is something appealing, even a touch of grandeur, about the figure who emerges from Ms. Branden's somewhat tortured account: the young woman who arrives in America clutching her Remington Rand typewriter (she took her name from it); who not only renames herself but proceeds to remake herself in the shape of her passionately held ideals; the hero-worshiper who invented improbably heroic figures in her novels and who convinced very ordinary people that they too could be heroes; the mature and successful figure who always refused compromise, no matter what the cost, and who faced bitter personal disappointment and pain with an unbending courage. One can understand why this individual, whatever her intellectual and personal foibles, could command loyalty and inspire commitment. ** Peter L. Berger, "Adam Smith Meets Nietzsche", ''The New York Times'' (July 6, 1986) * Although the Objectivist movement clearly had many of the trappings of a cult - the aggrandizement of the person of Ayn Rand, the too ready acceptance of her personal opinions on a host of subjects, the incessant moralizing - it is nevertheless significant that the fundamental attraction of Objectivism... was the precise opposite of religious worship. ** [[w:Barbara Branden|Barbara Branden]], ''The Passion of Ayn Rand'' (p. 371), quoted by [[Michael Shermer|Shermer]] in [http://www.2think.org/02_2_she.shtml ‘The Unlikeliest Cult in History’] (1993). * We were not a cult in the literal, dictionary sense of the word, but certainly there was a cultish aspect to our world.... We were a group organized around a charismatic leader, whose members judged one another's character chiefly by loyalty to that leader and to her ideas... ** [[Nathaniel Branden]] (Ibid. p. 256), quoted by [http://www.2think.org/02_2_she.shtml Shermer] * For [Rand] further holds that objective reality is readily accessible by solitary individuals using words and logic alone. This proposition - rejected by nearly all modern scientists - is essentially a restatement of the Platonic worldview, a fundamental axiom of which is that the universe is made up of ideal essences or 'values' (the term Rand preferred) that can be discovered, dispassionately examined, and objectively analyzed by those few bold minds who are able to finally free themselves from hoary assumptions of the past. Once freed, any truly rational individual must, by simply applying verbal reasoning, independently reach the same set of fundamental conclusions about life, justice and the universe. (Naturally, any mind that fails to do so must, by definition, not yet be free.) ** [[David Brin]], ''Liberty'' magazine, September 2000. * Her novel ''Atlas Shrugged''... a thousand pages of ideological fabulism. I had to ''flog'' myself to read it. ** [[William F. Buckley Jr.]] on [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KmPLkiqnO8 ''The Charlie Rose Show''] *You can piss away valuable hours of your life reading Ayn Rand—her wretched appeal to the young, her wretched writing, her wretched person.<br>She was supposed to be on my show; I was kind of sorry she wasn't, because I was kind of laying for her. I did not succumb, as a kid, to being enthused by Ayn Rand, and that sense of power, as every kid was at one time until they outgrew it. The old bag sent over a list of fifteen conditions for appearing with me, or for appearing with anyone, I guess. One of them was, “There will be no disagreeing with Ms. Rand’s philosophy.” [...] I wrote at the bottom of the list, to be sent back to her, “There will be no Ms. Rand, either.” ** [[Dick Cavett]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20150104142046/http://elongreen.com/post/88018054762/cavett-on-ayn-rands-demands a conversation from an interview by Elon Green] (2014) * Something of this implication is fixed in the book's dictatorial tone, which is much its most striking feature. Out of a lifetime of reading, I can recall no other book in which a tone of overriding arrogance was so implacably sustained. Its shrillness is without reprieve. Its dogmatism is without appeal. In addition, the mind which finds this tone natural to it shares other characteristics of its type.1) It consistently mistakes raw force for strength, and the rawer the force, the more reverent the posture of the mind before it. 2) It supposes itself to be the bringer of a final revelation. Therefore, resistance to the Message cannot be tolerated because disagreement can never be merely honest, prudent, or just humanly fallible. Dissent from revelation so final (because, the author would say, so reasonable) can only be willfully wicked. There are ways of dealing with such wickedness, and, in fact, right reason itself enjoins them. <BR><b>From almost any page of ''Atlas Shrugged'', a voice can be heard, from painful necessity, commanding: “To a gas chamber — go!”</b> ** [[Whittaker Chambers]], [http://www.nationalreview.com/articles/222482/big-sister-watching-you/flashback 'Big Sister Is Watching You'], ''National Review'' (1957) * I loved Ayn Rand when I was 18 — before I had children and figured out how the world really works. That's not how it works, as it turns out. **{{W|Stephanie Clayton}}, [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/02/us/politics/republican-tax-cuts.html How Low Can Taxes Go? Outside Washington, Republicans Find Limits] in the ''New York Times'', 2017 * I believe Ayn Rand's first love poem went: Roses are red/ violets are blue/ finish this poem yourself / you dependent parasite ** [[Stephen Colbert]], [https://twitter.com/stephenathome/status/294303857134153728 twitter post] (2013) * A passionate hater of religion, Rand founded a cult around her own person, complete with rituals of excommunication; a passionate believer in rationality and logic, she was incapable of seeing the contradictions in her own work. She was a rationalist who was not entirely rational; she could not distinguish between rationalism and rationality. Of narrow aesthetic sympathies, she laid down the law in matters of artistic judgment like a panjandrum; a believer in honesty, she was adept at self-deception and special pleading. I have rarely read a biography of a writer I should have cared so little to meet. ** [[Theodore Dalrymple]], [http://www.newcriterion.com/articles.cfm/Ayn-Rand--engineer-of-souls-4385 'Ayn Rand: engineer of souls'], ''The New Criterion'' (2010) *The most devoted member of (Rand's) inner circle," [[George Monbiot]] writes, "was [[Alan Greenspan]], former head of the [[Federal Reserve System|US Federal Reserve]]. Among the essays he wrote for Rand were those published in a book he co-edited with her called ''Capitalism: The Unknown Ideal''. Here, starkly explained, you'll find the philosophy he brought into government. There is no need for the regulation of business—even builders or Big Pharma—he argued, as 'the "greed" of the businessman or, more appropriately, his profit-seeking ... is the unexcelled protector of the consumer.' As for bankers, their need to win the trust of their clients guarantees that they will act with honour and integrity. Unregulated capitalism, he maintains, is a 'superlatively moral system.' **[https://www.alternet.org/2018/04/paul-ryans-biggest-influence-10-things-you-should-know-about-lunatic-ayn-rand/ Paul Ryan’s Biggest Influence: 10 Things You Should Know About the Lunatic Ayn Rand, Jan Frel, ''AlterNet''], (11 April 2018) *Rand makes the individual the center, essentially sacred, but this is key: It's a materialistic philosophy, an atheistic philosophy. She does not believe in God. Rand says very explicitly that she's an atheist.<BR>This is the crux of Rand, the tension point of why she will never fit easily into conservatism. The atheism piece will always be the one that people pretty much decide to ignore and push aside. But it really was an essential part of the package as she saw it. **[https://qz.com/882493/donald-trump-paul-ryan-and-andy-puzder-say-they-love-ayn-rands-controversial-philosophy-heres-what-us-republicans-keep-getting-wrong-about-it/ US Republican leaders love Ayn Rand’s controversial philosophy—and are increasingly misinterpreting it. Thu-Huong Ha,] [[w:Quartz (publication)|Quartz (publication)]] (19 January 2017) * Rand was broken by the Bolsheviks as a girl, and she never left their bootprint behind. She believed her philosophy was Bolshevism's opposite, when in reality it was its twin. Both she and the Soviets insisted a small revolutionary elite in possession of absolute rationality must seize power and impose its vision on a malleable, imbecilic mass. The only difference was that Lenin thought the parasites to be stomped on were the rich, while Rand thought they were the poor. ** [[w:Johann Hari|Johann Hari]], [http://www.slate.com/articles/arts/books/2009/11/how_ayn_rand_became_an_american_icon.html 'How Ayn Rand Became an American Icon'], ''Slate'' (2009) * Objectivism—a view that makes a religious fetish of selfishness and disposes of altruism and compassion as character flaws. If nothing else, this approach to ethics was a triumph of marketing, as Objectivism is basically autism rebranded. And Rand's attempt to make literature out of this awful philosophy produced some commensurately terrible writing. ** [[Sam Harris]], ''[http://www.samharris.org/blog/item/how-to-lose-readers-without-even-trying ''How to Lose Readers (Without Even Trying)''] (August 24, 2011) * We had a very brief exchange. She swelled in anger and spun away, remaining only long enough to say, ‘You are a compromiser.’ ** [[Friedrich Hayek]], quoted in Theodore J. Lowi, [http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/15/books/review/Letters-t-COLLECTIVESH_LETTERS.html letter to ''New York Times''] (November 12, 2009) * Rand has not often had a positive reception from the ethics community for a number of reasons. The major one is that she championed self‐interest loudly and forcefully. For an ethics community committed to the view that morality means restraining and sacrificing self interest this could mean only one thing: She must be urging the strong to do whatever they feel like to the weak. That view, given the long history of ethics, could simply be rejected out of hand. <b>But such a rejection evaluates Rand’s advocacy of self‐interest from within a set of premises about economics and human nature that she rejects.</b> She rejects the belief that ethics starts by taking conflicts of interest as fundamental. She rejects the view that ethics starts by reacting to scarce resources; she rejects the view that ethics starts by reacting to the nasty things some people want to do to each other; and she rejects the view that ethics starts by asking what to do about the poor and unable. ** [[w:Stephen Hicks|Stephen Hicks]], “Ayn Rand and Contemporary Business Ethics,” in <I>Journal of Accounting, Ethics & Public Policy</i>, Volume 3, Number 1 (Winter 2003), pp. 1-26 * I care very much about literature as the place where the real ethical dilemmas are met, so to have novels as transcendently awful as ''Atlas Shrugged'' and ''The Fountainhead'' sort of undermines my project. And though I have some respect for ''The Virtue of Selfishness'', her collection of essays... <b>I don't think there's any need to have essays advocating selfishness among human beings.</b> ** [[Christopher Hitchens]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wYR6e9Z6es 'The Moral Necessity of Atheism'] at Sewanee University (2004) * There have even been outright bad writers blessed by the visitation of a poetic title. Ayn Rand had one with ''The Fountainhead'', and another with ''Atlas Shrugged'': a bit of a mouthful, but nobody has ever spat it out without first being fascinated with what it felt like to chew. Yet if those were not two of the worst books ever written - the worst books ever written don't even get published - they were certainly among the worst books ever to be taken seriously. ** [[Clive James]], ''Cultural Amnesia'' (2007), p. 80 * I have read some of Rand's essays on art and philosophy. They struck me, as I said in a review of a book about her philosophy of art (reprinted in my book ''Art’s Prospect''), as pretty thin gruel. I never made it through either of Rand's two big novels, ''The Fountainhead'' and ''Atlas Shrugged''. To enjoy either, I suspect, you had to have encountered Rand in adolescence, when so many of life's lasting enthusiasms are forged. In recent years, a few friends have urged Rand on me, and I dutifully tried both novels more than once. Each time, I found myself oscillating between fits of the giggles, at the awful prose, and irritation, at the jejune philosophy. ** [[w:Roger Kimball|Roger Kimball]], [https://pjmedia.com/rogerkimball/2010/02/05/one-or-two-thoughts-about-ayn-rand/?singlepage=true 'One or two thoughts about Ayn Rand'], ''PJ Media'' (2010) *Like her other works of fiction and nonfiction, the book [[Atlas Shrugged|''Atlas Shrugged'']] manages to be both deeply sinister and deeply ridiculous, which isn't so easy to do.<BR>Today there is a very small minority of economists who take her ideas seriously. There are virtually no biologists, anthropologists, sociologists, ethologists, geneticists or evolutionary theorists who do. Her ideas about the individual simply do not fit the objective research about how our species behaves and prospers. **[https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-sinister-folly-of-ayn_b_73562 The Sinister Folly of Ayn Rand, Jesse Larner, ''Huffpost''] (20 November 2007) *Ayn Rand helped make the United States into one of the most uncaring nations in the industrialized world, a neo-Dickensian society where healthcare is only for those who can afford it, and where young people are coerced into huge student-loan debt that cannot be discharged in bankruptcy. *While Harriet Beecher Stowe shamed Americans about the United States' dehumanization of African Americans and slavery, Ayn Rand removed Americans' guilt for being selfish and uncaring about anyone except themselves. Not only did Rand make it “moral” for the wealthy not to pay their fair share of taxes, she “liberated” millions of other Americans from caring about the suffering of others, even the suffering of their own children. **[https://www.salon.com/2014/12/15/one_nation_under_galt_how_ayn_rands_toxic_philosophy_permanently_transformed_america_partner/ One nation under Galt: How Ayn Rand's toxic philosophy permanently transformed America,] [[w:Salon (website)|Salon]], [[Bruce E. Levine]], (15 December 2014) * [F]rom the initial outline Ayn Rand provided, a very rich and powerful philosophy emerges – e.g., it solves such problems as science versus free will and moral responsibility, knowledge versus the fact of fallibility. Merely because Rand's ideas were not born in academe or developed in full detail by her, it cannot be concluded that they are unsound. ** [[w:Tibor Machan|Tibor Machan]], ''New York Times'' letter to the editor, [http://www.nytimes.com/1986/08/03/books/l-ayn-rand-s-philosophy-095886.html August 3, 1986]. * I think that in some ways the libertarian movement—possibly due to the combined influence of Ayn Rand and many economists—has gotten to a kind of ideological dead end that I don't think does justice to business or capitalism or human nature. ** [[w:John Mackey (businessman)|John Mackey]], as quoted by Tom G. Palmer “Interview with an Entrepreneur: Featuring John Mackey”, in ''The Morality of Capitalism: What Your Professors Won’t Tell You'' (2011), Ed. Tom G. Palmer, Jameson Books, p. 16. * Many years ago, on a television network far, far away, I expressed support for libertarianism because back then it meant that I didn't want Big Government in my bedroom or my medicine chest, and especially not in the second drawer of the night-stand on the left side of my bed. And I still believe that. But somewhere along the way libertarianism morphed into this creepy obsession with Free Market capitalism based on an Ayn Rand novel called ‘‘Atlas Shrugged’’, a book that’s never been read all the way through by anyone with a girlfriend. ** [[Bill Maher]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55zDEBNqfk4 ‘Bill Maher Trashes Libertarians’] * Rand's guiding vision is clearly what used to be called infantile omnipotence – the childish hope of total control – and her doctrines have great influence because that hope is still always strong in the depths of our hearts. The fear that haunts her is the fear of having to obey someone else. This fear, intelligently disciplined, does indeed lie at the root of our emphasis on liberty, but there is nothing to be said for erecting it on its own into a "heroic" stance of self-admiration. ** [[Mary Midgley]], [http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/belief/2009/may/01/philosophy-religion-hobbes-ayn-rand ‘Hobbes’s Leviathan, part 5’], ‘‘The Guardian’’ (2009) * I have to say I found Ayn Rand’s philosophy laughable. It was "a white supremacist dreams of the master race," burnt in an early-20th century form. Her ideas didn't really appeal to me, but they seemed to be the kind of ideas that people would espouse, people who might secretly believe themselves to be part of the elite, and not part of the excluded majority. ** [[Alan Moore]], in ''Comic Book Artist #9'' (August 2000) "The Charlton Comics Story: 1945-1968" by Jon B. Cooke * Rand tended to believe that questions of fact could be determined by the manipulation of vague terms. This tendency is most clearly illustrated in her so-called "metaphysical" theory of reality, in which she tries to demonstrate the objectivity of reality and validate causality on the basis of cognitively empty tautologies such as "existence exists" and "A is A." ** Grey Nyquist, ''Ayn Rand Contra Human Nature'', iUniverse, 2001. * Ayn Rand is one of those things that a lot of us, when we were 17 or 18 and feeling misunderstood, we'd pick up. Then, as we get older, we realize that a world in which we're only thinking about ourselves and not thinking about anybody else, in which we're considering the entire project of developing ourselves as more important than our relationships to other people and making sure that everybody else has opportunity – that that's a pretty narrow vision. ** [[Barack Obama]], [http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/obama-and-the-road-ahead-the-rolling-stone-interview-20121025 "Obama and the Road Ahead: The Rolling Stone Interview"], 2012 *'''The fiction of Ayn Rand is as low as you can get re fiction. I hope you picked it up off the floor of the subway and threw it in the nearest garbage pail.''' ** [[w:Flannery O’Conner|Flannery O’Connor]], The Habit of Being: Letters of Flannery O'Connor (1979) (ed. Sally Fitzgerald), p. 398 * But all of Rand's heroic capitalists triumph in industries that are now dead or bleeding. It's easy to write potboilers that posit sharp moral distinctions between the makers and takers when you live in a big-shouldered factory world where people still make things. ** [[Laura Penny]], ''More Money Than Brains'' (2010), p. 15 * St. Petersburg in revolt gave us Vladimir Nabokov, Isaiah Berlin and Ayn Rand. The first was a novelist, the second a philosopher. The third was neither but thought she was both. Many other people have thought so too. ** Corey Robin, “Garbage and Gravitas”. ''The Nation'' (2010) * <b>There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old's life: ''The Lord of the Rings'' and ''Atlas Shrugged''. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.</b> ** [[John Rogers]], quoted by [[Paul Krugman]] in [http://krugman.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/09/23/im-ellsworth-toohey/ 'I'm Ellsworth Toohey!'], ''The New York Times'' (2010) * Wit and humor, as might be gathered from this incident, were ''verboten'' in the Randian movement. The philosophical rationale was that humor demonstrates that one "is not serious about one’s values." The actual reason, of course, is that no cult can withstand the piercing and sobering effect, the sane perspective, provided by humor. One was permitted to sneer at one's enemies, but that was the only humor allowed, if humor that be. ** [[Murray Rothbard]], [http://archive.lewrockwell.com/rothbard/rothbard23.html ‘The Sociology of the Ayn Rand Cult’] (1972) * We conclude our analysis of the Rand cult with the observation that here was an extreme example of contradiction between the exoteric and the esoteric creed. That in the name of individuality, reason, and liberty, the Rand cult in effect preached something totally different. The Rand cult was concerned not with every man's individuality, but only with Rand's individuality, not with everyone's right reason but only with Rand's reason. The only individuality that flowered to the extent of blotting out all others, was Ayn Rand's herself; everyone else was to become a cipher subject to Rand's mind and will. ** Murray Rothbard, "The Sociology of the Ayn Rand Cult" (1972) * Many of the battles she engaged in rage on today. There are still debates about the free market, movements lobbying for collectivism and state power, and confrontations between doctrines of self-reliance and doctrines of self-sacrifice. But the world Rand actually wanted her heroes to build now seems far from revolutionary; it can even seem somewhat quaint, an almost retro fantasy. It was a Romantic utopia, in which the tensions of democratic life are not resolved but avoided. ** [[w:Edward Rothstein|Edward Rothstein]], [http://www.nytimes.com/2005/02/02/books/considering-the-last-romantic-ayn-rand-at-100.html ‘Considering the Last Romantic, Ayn Rand, at 100’] in ‘‘The New York Times’’ (2005) * For a time, my politics were similar. We all, I think, go through these periods. Some of us never exit them, holding to the strange belief that Ayn Rand is remotely sane through our entire adult lives. ** Phil Sandifer, [http://projectnes.blogspot.com/2010/03/john-galt-has-been-kidnapped-by-ninjas.html John Galt has been Kidnapped by Ninjas (Bad Dudes)], 2010 *(T)he idealized world Ayn Rand has created to facilitate her wishful theorizing has no more logical connection to our real one than a world in which an author has imagined humanity ruled by intelligent cups of yogurt. This is most obviously revealed by the fact that '''in Ayn Rand’s world, a man who self-righteously instigates the collapse of society, thereby inevitably killing millions if not billions of people, is portrayed as a messiah figure rather than as a genocidal prick''', which is what he’d be anywhere else. ** [[John Scalzi]], [http://whatever.scalzi.com/2010/10/01/what-i-think-about-atlas-shrugged/ What I Think About Atlas Shrugged], 2010 *Ayn Rand is one of the most widely read philosophers of the twentieth century. … Academics have often dismissed her ideas as "pop" philosophy. As a best-selling novelist, a controversial, flamboyant polemicist, and a woman in a male dominated profession, Rand remained outside the academy throughout her life. Her works had inspired passionate responses that echo the uncompromising nature of her moral vision. In many cases, her audiences were either cultish in their devotion or savage in their attacks. *The left was infuriated by her anticommunist, procapitalist politics, whereas the right was disgusted by her atheism and civil libertarianism. **[[w:Chris Matthew Sciabarra|Chris Matthew Sciabarra]], in ''Ayn Rand : The Russian Radical'' (1995) Introduction, p. 1 * The cultic flaw in Ayn Rand's philosophy of Objectivism is not in the use of reason, or in the emphasis on individuality, or in the belief that humans are self motivated, or in the conviction that capitalism is the ideal system. The fallacy in Objectivism is the belief that absolute knowledge and final Truths are attainable through reason, and therefore there can be absolute right and wrong knowledge, and absolute moral and immoral thought and action. For Objectivists, once a principle has been discovered through reason to be True, that is the end of the discussion. If you disagree with the principle, then your reasoning is flawed. If your reasoning is flawed it can be corrected, but if it is not, you remain flawed and do not belong in the group. Excommunication is the final step for such unreformed heretics. ** [[Michael Shermer]], [http://www.2think.org/02_2_she.shtml ‘The Unlikeliest Cult in History’], Skeptic, vol. 2, no. 2. (1993) pp.74-81 *The rich see money as a positive tool that has the power to create freedom and opportunity for themselves and their families. Being wealthy gives them the option to live what author/philosopher Ayn Rand called “an unrestricted existence.” This means having the ability to do what they want, when they want, with whom they want, for as long as they want, without limitations. ** Steve Siebold (2010). ''How Rich People Think'', London House, p. 32 * [M]ore conservative theorists are not discussed... Ayn Rand [doesn't] warrant a mention. ** Christine Stolba, on Rand's complete absence from a selection of widely-used American [[w:women's studies|women's studies]] textbooks despite her prominence, in "[http://www.iwf.org/files/d8dcafa439b9c20386c05f94834460ac.pdf Lying in a Room of One's Own: How Women's Studies Textbooks Miseducate Students]" (2002) *To sum it all up, the [Ayn] Rand belief system looks like this: <br> 1. Facts are facts: things can be absolutely right or absolutely wrong, as determined by reason <br> 2. According to my reasoning, I am absolutely right. <br> 3. Charity is immoral. <br> 4. Pay for your own fucking schools. <br> :* {{w|Matt Taibbi}}, ''Griftopia: Bubble Machines, Vampire Squids, and the Long Con That Is Breaking America'' * This odd little woman is attempting to give a moral sanction to greed and self interest, and to pull it off she must at times indulge in purest Orwellian newspeak of the "freedom is slavery" sort. What interests me most about her is not the absurdity of her "philosophy," but the size of her audience (in my campaign for the House she was the one writer people knew and talked about). She has a great attraction for simple people who are puzzled by organized society, who object to paying taxes, who dislike the "welfare" state, who feel guilt at the thought of the suffering of others but who would like to harden their hearts. For them, she has an enticing prescription: altruism is the root of all evil, self-interest is the only good, and if you're dumb or incompetent that's your lookout. ** [[Gore Vidal]], [http://www.esquire.com/features/gore-vidal-archive/comment-0761 "Comment", ''Esquire'' (July 1961)] *For to justify and extol human greed and egotism is to my mind not only immoral, but evil. *For one thing, it is gratuitous to advise any human being to look out for himself. You can be sure that he will. It is far more difficult to persuade him to help his neighbor to build a dam or to defend a town or to give food he has accumulated to the victims of a famine. But since we must live together, dependent upon one another for many things and services, altruism is necessary to survival. To get people to do needed things is the perennial hard task of government, not to mention of religion and philosophy. *That it is right to help someone less fortunate is an idea which has figured in most systems of conduct since the beginning of the race. We often fail. That predatory demon “I” is difficult to contain but until now we have all agreed that to help others is a right action. [...] *Ayn Rand's "philosophy" is nearly perfect in its immorality, which makes the size of her audience all the more ominous and symptomatic as we enter a curious new phase in our society. To justify and extol human greed and egotism is to my mind not only immoral, but evil. ** [[Gore Vidal]], [http://www.esquire.com/features/gore-vidal-archive/comment-0761 "Comment", ''Esquire'' (July 1961)] * Right-wing think tanks can have Rand (even if she had little use for them). In the academy, she is a nonperson. Her theories are works of fiction. Her works of fiction are theories, and bad ones at that. Should the Republicans actually win in 2012, we might need to study her in the academic world. It would be for the same reason we sometimes need to study creationism. ** [[Alan Wolfe]], [http://chronicle.com/blogs/conversation/2012/08/19/the-ridiculous-rise-of-ayn-rand/ ‘The Ridiculous Rise of Ayn Rand’], The Chronicle of Higher Education (2012) *Ayn Rand was smart yet bitter enough enough to wedge herself into an airtight corner of [[Circular reasoning|circular arguments]] and rewritten history. *Her philosophical system was able to filter out any [[evidence]] or [[argument]] that might challenge or correct the system. It reached a halt-state. There was no way to get her out or reach in to her from the outside: her system is too ironclad. ** [[John C. Wright]], [http://www.scifiwright.com/2017/06/objectivism-and-alt-right/ "Objectivism and Alt-Right"] (2017) ==External links== *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{wikisource-inline|Author:Ayn Rand}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} {{Social and political philosophers}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Rand, Ayn}} [[Category:Atheism activists]] [[Category:Activists from the United States]] [[Category:Anti-communists]] [[Category:Anti-fascists]] [[Category:Anti-war activists]] [[Category:Critics of religion]] [[Category:Novelists from the United States]] [[Category:Playwrights from the United States]] [[Category:Essayists from the United States]] [[Category:Philosophers from the United States]] [[Category:Screenwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Science fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Atheists from the United States]] [[Category:American Jews]] [[Category:Russian Jews]] [[Category:1905 births]] [[Category:1982 deaths]] [[Category:Monarchists]] [[Category:Objectivists]] [[Category:Philosophers from Russia]] [[Category:Russian novelists]] [[Category:Russian essayists]] [[Category:Russian playwrights]] [[Category:Political authors]] [[Category:Women authors]] [[Category:American women]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from Russia]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:People from St. Petersburg]] [[Category:Secularists]] [[Category:Jewish atheists]] [[Category:Women born in the 20th century]] tkpkmx27mxkodltytamxed1ft10izuy 3158105 3158104 2022-08-26T10:07:50Z BinaryPhoton 1051712 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Ayn Rand (1943 Talbot portrait).jpg|right|thumb|225px|I am. I think. I will.]] [[File:Pola Negri by Ayn Rand cover.jpg|thumb|'Free competition enforced by law' is a grotesque contradiction in terms.]] '''[[w:Ayn Rand|Ayn Rand]]''' ([[2 February]] [[1905]] &ndash; [[6 March]] [[1982]]) was a Russian-born American [[novelist]], [[philosopher]], playwright, and screenwriter. She is known for her bestselling novels, ''[[The Fountainhead]]'' and ''[[Atlas Shrugged]]'', and for developing a philosophical system called [[w:Objectivism_(Ayn_Rand)|Objectivism]]. :See also :: '''''[[Atlas Shrugged]]''''' (1957) :: '''''[[The Fountainhead]]''''' (1943) ==Quotes== [[File:WTC Twin Towers Night July 2001.jpg|thumb|I would give the greatest sunset in the world for one sight of New York's skyline. The shapes and the thought that made them. The sky over New York and the will of man made visible. What other religion do we need?]] [[File:Lower Manhattan Skyline March 2001.jpg|thumb|Is it beauty and genius they want to see? Do they seek a sense of the sublime? Let them come to New York, stand on the shore of the Hudson, look and kneel. When I see the city from my window? No, I don't feel how small I am. But, I feel that if a war came to threaten this? I would like to throw myself into space, over the city, and protect these buildings with my body.]] ; 1930s * I hope you will understand my hesitation in writing to one whom I admire as the greatest representative of a philosophy to which I want to dedicate my whole life. ** Letter to [[H.L. Mencken]] July 28, 1934. ;1940s * That particular sense of sacred rapture men say they experience in contemplating nature- I've never received it from nature, only from. Buildings, Skyscrapers. I would give the greatest sunset in the world for one sight of New York's skyline. The shapes and the thought that made them. The sky over New York and the will of man made visible. What other religion do we need? And then people tell me about pilgrimages to some dank pest-hole in a jungle where they go to do homage to a crumbling temple, to a leering stone monster with a pot belly, created by some leprous savage. Is it beauty and genius they want to see? Do they seek a sense of the sublime? Let them come to New York, stand on the shore of the Hudson, look and kneel. When I see the city from my window - no, I don't feel how small I am - but I feel that if a war came to threaten this, I would like to throw myself into space, over the city, and protect these buildings with my body. ** ''[[The Fountainhead]]'' (1943). * An individualist is a man who says: "I'll not run anyone's life – nor let anyone run mine. I will not rule nor be ruled. I will not be a master nor a slave. I will not sacrifice myself to anyone – nor sacrifice anyone to myself." ** [http://laissez-fairerepublic.com/textbook.htm ''Textbook of Americanism''] (1946). ;1960s * “Free competition enforced by law” is a grotesque contradiction in terms. ** The Objectivist Newsletter “Antitrust: The Rule of Unreason,” The Objectivist Newsletter, Feb. 1962, 1 * I am not primarily an advocate of capitalism, but of egoism; and I am not primarily an advocate of egoism, but of reason. If one recognizes the supremacy of reason and applies it consistently, all the rest follows. ** ''Introducing Objectivism''. The Objectivist Newsletter, Vol. 1, No. 8. August, 1962. p. 35. * Objectivism is a philosophical movement; since politics is a branch of philosophy, Objectivism advocates certain political principles — specifically, those of laissez-faire capitalism — as the consequence and the ultimate practical application of its fundamental philosophical principles. It does not regard politics as a separate or primary goal, that is: as a goal that can be achieved without a wider ideological context. . . . Objectivists are not "conservatives." We are radicals for capitalism; we are fighting for that philosophical base which capitalism did not have and without which it was doomed to perish. ** “Choose Your Issues,” The Objectivist Newsletter, Vol. 1, No. 1 (1962) * There is no difference between communism and socialism, except in the means of achieving the same ultimate end: communism proposes to enslave men by force, socialism—by vote. It is merely the difference between murder and suicide. ** "Foreign Policy Drains U.S. of Main Weapon," ''Los Angeles Times'', Sept. 9. 1962, G2 — as reported in ''[http://aynrandlexicon.com/lexicon/socialism.html The Ayn Rand Lexicon]: Objectivism from A to Z'' (1986) * What is greatness? I will answer: it is the capacity to live by the three fundamental values of John Galt: reason, purpose, self-esteem. ** ''Playboy'' Interview (March 1964) ;1970s * Even if smog were a risk to human life, we must remember that life in nature, without technology, is wholesale death. ** ''The Objectivist'' February 1971 * Above all, do not join the wrong ideological groups or movements, in order to “do something.” By “ideological” (in this context), I mean groups or movements proclaiming some vaguely generalized, undefined (and, usually, contradictory) political goals. (E.g., the Conservative Party, that subordinates reason to faith, and substitutes theocracy for capitalism; or the “libertarian” hippies, who subordinate reason to whims, and substitute anarchism for capitalism.) To join such groups means to reverse the philosophical hierarchy and to sell out fundamental principles for the sake of some superficial political action which is bound to fail. ** “What Can One Do?” The Ayn Rand Letter, Vol. 1, No. 7 (1972) * Now, I don't care to discuss the alleged complaints American Indians have against this country. I believe, with good reason, the most unsympathetic Hollywood portrayal of Indians and what they did to the white man. They had no right to a country merely because they were born here and then acted like savages. The white man did not conquer this country... ** Address To The Graduating Class Of The United States Military Academy at West Point, 1974 * The Arabs are one of the least developed cultures. They are typically nomads. Their culture is primitive, and they resent Israel because it's the sole beachhead of modern science and civilization on their continent. When you have civilized men fighting savages, you support the civilized men, no matter who they are." ** Ayn Rand Ford Hall Forum lecture, 1974, text published on the website of The Ayn Rand Institute [http://www.aynrand.org/site/PageServer?pagename=media_america_at_war_israeli_arab_conflict] * The worst evil that you can do, psychologically, is to laugh at yourself. That means spitting in your own face. ** Question period following Lecture 11 of Leonard Peikoff's series "The Philosophy of Objectivism," 1976 * The trouble with the world today is philosophical: only the right philosophy can save us. But this party plagiarizes some of my ideas, mixes them with the exact opposite—with religionists, anarchists and every intellectual misfit and scum they can find—and call themselves libertarians and run for office. ** Rand, Ayn (2005). Mayhew, Robert, ed. Ayn Rand Answers, the Best of Her Q&A. New York: New American Library. p. 73. (1976) ;2000s * They (Native Americans) didn't have any rights to the land, and there was no reason for anyone to grant them rights which they had not conceived and were not using. What was it that they were fighting for, when they opposed white men on this continent? For their wish to continue a primitive existence, their 'right' to keep part of the earth untouched, unused and not even as property, but just keep everybody out so that you will live practically like an animal, or a few caves above it. Any white person who brings the element of civilization has the right to take over this continent. ** Q and A session following her address to the graduating class of The United States Military Academy at West Point, New York, March 6, 1974 - found in ''Endgame: Resistance'', by Derrick Jensen, Seven Stories Press, 2006, pg 220 * Do you know that my personal crusade in life (in the philosophical sense) is not merely to fight collectivism, nor to fight altruism? These are only consequences, effects, not causes. I am out after the real cause, the real root of evil on earth — the irrational. ** Goddess of the Market: Ayn Rand and the American Right, 2009, p. 100 ;Incomplete source info *If you mean whose side one should be on, Israel or the Arabs, I would certainly say Israel because it's the advanced, technological, civilized country amidst a group of almost totally primitive savages who have not changed for years and who are racist and who resent Israel because it's bringing industry, intelligence, and modern technology into their stagnation. ** Q and A session during taping of Donohue, Live in New York (1979) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uHSv1asFvU Ayn Rand on Israel and the Middle East] *It took centuries of intellectual, philosophical development to achieve political freedom. It was a long struggle, stretching from Aristotle to John Locke to the Founding Fathers. The system they established was not based on unlimited majority but on its opposite: on individual rights, which were not to be alienated by majority vote or minority plotting. The individual was not left at the mercy of his neighbors or his leaders: the Constitutional system of checks and balances was scientifically devised to protect him from both. This was the great American achievement—and if concern for the actual welfare of other nations were our present leaders' motive, this is what we should have been teaching the world. Instead, we are deluding the ignorant and the semi-savage by telling them that no political knowledge is necessary—that our system is only a matter of subjective preference—that any prehistorical form of tribal tyranny, gang rule, and slaughter will do just as well, with our sanction and support. It is thus that we encourage the spectacle of Algerian workers marching through the streets [in the 1962 Civil War] and shouting the demand: "Work, not blood!"—without knowing what great knowledge and virtue are required to achieve it. In the same way, in 1917, the Russian peasants were demanding: "Land and Freedom!" But Lenin and Stalin is what they got. In 1933, the Germans were demanding: "Room to live!" But what they got was Hitler. In 1793, the French were shouting: "Liberty, Equality, Fraternity!" What they got was Napoleon. In 1776, the Americans were proclaiming "The Rights of Man"—and, led by political philosophers, they achieved it. No revolution, no matter how justified, and no movement, no matter how popular, has ever succeeded without a political philosophy to guide it, to set its direction and goal. ** ''The Ayn Rand Column'' *"The people of Algiers marched through the streets of the city, in desperate protest against the new threat of civil war, shouting: 'We want peace! We want a government!' How are they to go about getting it? Through the years of civil war, they had been united, not by any political philosophy, but only by a racial issue. They were fighting, not for any program, but only against French rule. When they won their independence, they fell apart - into rival tribes and armed 'willayas' fighting one another" ** ''The Ayn Rand Column'' 'Blind Chaos' * Let no man posture as an advocate of peace if he proposes or supports any social system that initiates the use of force against individual men, in any form. ** ''For the New Intellectual'' * Man—every man—is an end in himself, not a means to the ends of others; he must live for his own sake, neither sacrificing himself to others nor sacrificing others to himself; he must work for his rational self-interest, with the achievement of his own happiness as the highest moral purpose of his life. ** ''The Ayn Rand Column'' ‘Introducing Objectivism’ ===''We The Living'' (1936) === * Do you believe in God, Andrei? No. Neither do I. But that's a favorite question of mine. An upside-down question, you know. What do you mean? Well, if I asked people whether they believed in life, they'd never understand what I meant. It's a bad question. It can mean so much that it really means nothing. So I ask them if they believe in God. And if they say they do—then, I know they don't believe in life. Why? Because, you see, God—whatever anyone chooses to call God—is one's highest conception of the highest possible. And whoever places his highest conception above his own possibility thinks very little of himself and his life. It's a rare gift, you know, to feel reverence for your own life and to want the best, the greatest, the highest possible, here, now, for your very own. To imagine a heaven and then not to dream of it, but to demand it. ** Source: ''We The Living'' Part One Chapter 9 * There is no such thing as duty. If you know that a thing is right, you want to do it. If you don't want to do it—it isn't right. If it's right and you don't want to do it—you don't know what right is and you're not a man. ** Source: ''We The Living'' Part One Chapter 6 * There is only one thing that matters and that we'll remember. The rest doesn't matter. I don't care what life is to be nor what it does to us. But it won't break us. Neither you nor me. That's our only weapon. That's the only banner we can hold against all those others around us. That's all we have to know about the future. * The highest thing in a man is not his god. It's that in him which knows the reverence due a god. You are my highest reverence. ** Source: ''We The Living'' Last Page * A moment or an eternity—did it matter? Life, undefeated, existed and could exist. She smiled, her last smile, to so much that had been possible. ===''[[w:Anthem (novella)|Anthem]]'' (1937)=== * "I am. I think. I will." * I need no warrant for being, and no word of sanction upon my being. I am the warrant and the sanction. * And now I see the face of god, and I raise this god over the earth, this god whom men have sought since men came into being, this god who will grant them joy and peace and pride. This god, this one word: 'I.' * Neither am I the means to any end others may wish to accomplish. I am not a tool for their use. I am not a servant of their needs. I am not a bandage for their wounds, I am not a sacrifice on their altars. * There is nothing to take a man's freedom away from him, save other men. To be free, a man must be free of his brothers. * This miracle of me is mine to own and keep, and mine to guard, and mine to use, and mine to kneel before...The fortune of my spirit is not to be blown into coins of brass and flung to the winds as alms for the poor of spirit. * '''I shall choose friends among men, but neither slaves nor masters. And I shall choose only such as please me, and them I shall love and respect, but neither command nor obey. And we shall join our hands when we wish, or walk alone when we so desire.''' *In the temple of his spirit, each man is alone. *It is not good to feel too much joy, nor to be glad that our body lives. For we matter not and it must not matter to us whether we live or die, which is to be as our brothers will it. But we, Equality 7-2521, are glad to be living. If this is a vice, then we wish no virtue. *No single one can possess greater wisdom than the many scholars who are elected by all the men for their wisdom. Yet we can. We do. We have fought against saying it, but now it is said. We do not care. We forget all men, all laws and all things save our metals and our wires. So much is still to be learned! So long a road lies before us, and what care we if we must travel it alone! ===''Capitalism: The Unknown Ideal'' (1966)=== * The spread of evil is the symptom of a vacuum. Whenever evil wins, it is only by default: by the moral failure of those who evade the fact that there can be no compromise on basic principles. *In a capitalist society, all human relationships are voluntary. Men are free to cooperate or not, to deal with one another or not, as their own individual judgments, convictions and interests dictate. *Statism is a system of institutionalized violence and perpetual civil war. It leaves men no choice but to fight to seize political power -- to rob or be robbed, to kill or be killed. ... Statism survives by looting; a free country survives by production. **Ch. 2 "Roots of War", p. 36-37 *America's abundance was created not by public sacrifices to the common good, but by the productive genius of free men who pursued their own personal interests and the making of their own private fortunes. They did not starve the people to pay for America's industrialization. They gave the people better jobs, higher wages, and cheaper goods with every new machine they invented, with every scientific discovery or technological advance- and thus the whole country was moving forward and profiting, not suffering, every step of the way. *Economic power is exercised by means of a positive, by offering men a reward, an incentive, a payment, a value; political power is exercised by means of a negative, by the threat of punishment, injury, imprisonment, destruction. The businessman's tool is values; the bureaucrat's tool is fear. *A gun is not an argument. * So long as [men] hold the tribal notion that the individual is sacrificial fodder for the collective, that some men have the right to rule others by force, and that some (any) alleged 'good' can justify It — there can be no peace ‘within’ a nation and no peace among nations. * When the common good of a society is regarded as something apart from and superior to the individual good of its members, it means that the good of some men takes precedence over the good of others, with those others consigned to the status of sacrificial animals. *An attempt to achieve the good by force is like an attempt to provide a man with a picture gallery at the price of cutting out his eyes. *Businessmen are the one group that distinguishes capitalism and the American way of life from the totalitarian statism that is swallowing the rest of the world. All the other social groups- workers, farmers, professional men, scientists, soldiers- exist under dictatorships, even though they exist in chains, in terror, in misery, and in progressive self-destruction. But there is no such group as businessmen under a dictatorship. Their place is taken by armed thugs: by bureaucrats and commissars. Businessmen are the symbol of a free society- the symbol of America. *Every government interference in the economy consists of giving an unearned benefit, extorted by force, to some men at the expense of others. *Every movement that seeks to enslave a country, every dictatorship or potential dictatorship, needs some minority group as a scapegoat which it can blame for the nation's troubles and use as a justification of its own demands for dictatorial powers. In Soviet Russia, the scapegoat was the bourgeoisie; in Nazi Germany, it was the Jewish people; in America, it is the businessmen. *It is futile to fight against, if one does not know what one is fighting for. *'''Remember also that the smallest minority on earth is the individual. Those who deny individual rights, cannot claim to be defenders of minorities.''' :* Ch. 3 "America's Persecuted Minority: Big Business", p. 61 *Capitalism has created the highest standard of living ever known on earth. The evidence is incontrovertible. The contrast between West and East Berlin is the latest demonstration, like a laboratory experiment for all to see. Yet those who are loudest in proclaiming their desire to eliminate poverty are loudest in denouncing capitalism. Man's well-being is not their goal. *Let anyone who believes that a high standard of living is the achievement of labor unions and government controls ask himself the following question: If one had a "time machine" and transported the united labor chieftains of America, plus three million government bureaucrats, back to the tenth century—would they be able to provide the medieval serf with electric light, refrigerators, automobiles, and television sets? * It took centuries of intellectual, philosophical development to achieve political [[freedom]]. It was a long struggle, stretching from [[Aristotle]] to [[John Locke]] to the [[Founding Fathers of the United States|Founding Fathers]]. The system they established was not based on unlimited majority rule, but on its opposite: on individual rights, which were not to be alienated by majority vote or minority plotting. The individual was not left at the mercy of his neighbors or his leaders: the Constitutional system of checks and balances was scientifically devised to protect him from both. This was the great American achievement—and if concern for the actual welfare of other nations were our present leaders' motive, this is what we should have been teaching the world. ===''The Virtue of Selfishness'' (1964)=== :<small> This collection includes a 1963 essay quoted at [[Nathaniel Branden]]. </small> *Man is the only living species that has the power to act as his own destroyer—and that is the way he has acted through most of his history. *The men who attempt to survive, not by means of reason, but by means of force, are attempting to survive by the method of animals. *Neither life nor happiness can be achieved by the pursuit of irrational whims. Just as man is free to attempt to survive by any random means, as a parasite, a moocher or a looter, but not free to succeed at it beyond the range of the moment—so he is free to seek his happiness in any irrational fraud, any whim, any delusion, any mindless escape from reality, but not free to succeed at it beyond the range of the moment nor to escape the consequences. **Sometimes paraphrased as "You can ignore reality, but you cannot ignore the consequences of ignoring reality." *The only proper, moral purpose of a government is to protect man's rights, which means: to protect him from physical violence—to protect his right to his own life, to his own liberty, to his own property and to the pursuit of his own happiness. Without property rights, no other rights are possible. *When I say “capitalism,” I mean a full, pure, uncontrolled, unregulated laissez-faire capitalism—with a separation of state and economics, in the same way and for the same reasons as the separation of state and church. *Poverty, ignorance, illness and other problems of that kind are not metaphysical emergencies. By the metaphysical nature of man and of existence, man has to maintain his life by his own effort; the values he needs—such as wealth or knowledge—are not given to him automatically, as a gift of nature, but have to be discovered and achieved by his own thinking and work. *When one observes the nightmare of the desperate efforts made by hundreds of thousands of people struggling to escape from the socialized countries of Europe, to escape over barbed-wire fences, under machine-gun fire—one can no longer believe that socialism, in any of its forms, is motivated by benevolence and by the desire to achieve men's welfare. *When you consider socialism, do not fool yourself about its nature. Remember that there is no such dichotomy as “human rights” versus “property rights.” No human rights can exist without property rights. *Capitalism is the only system where such men are free to function and where progress is accompanied, not by forced privations, but by a constant rise in the general level of prosperity, of consumption and of enjoyment of life. * Observe, in politics, that the term extremism has become a synonym of "evil," regardless of the content of the issue (the evil is not what you are extreme about, but that you are "extreme"—i.e., consistent). *Since only an individual man can possess rights, the expression “individual rights” is a redundancy (which one has to use for purposes of clarification in today's intellectual chaos). But the expression “collective rights” is a contradiction in terms. *Man's rights can be violated only by the use of physical force. It is only by means of physical force that one man can deprive another of his life, or enslave him, or rob him, or prevent him from pursuing his own goals, or compel him to act against his own rational judgment. *Any group or “collective,” large or small, is only a number of individuals. A group can have no rights other than the rights of its individual members. * When a man declares: "There are no blacks and whites [in morality]" he is making a psychological confession, and what he means is: "''I'' am unwilling to be wholly good—and please don't regard me as wholly evil!" * Errors of knowledge are not breaches of morality; no proper moral code can demand infallibility or omniscience. * '''Racism is the lowest, most crudely primitive form of collectivism.'''&nbsp; It is the notion of ascribing moral, social or political significance to a man's genetic lineage—the notion that a man's intellectual and characterological traits are produced and transmitted by his internal body chemistry.&nbsp; Which means, in practice, that a man is to be judged, not by his own character and actions, but by the characters and actions of a collective of ancestors. :Racism claims that the content of a man's mind (not his cognitive apparatus, but its content) is inherited; that a man's convictions, values and character are determined before he is born, by physical forces beyond his control.&nbsp; This is the caveman's version of the doctrine of innate ideas—or of inherited knowledge—which has been thoroughly refuted by philosophy and science.&nbsp; '''Racism is a doctrine of, by and for brutes.'''&nbsp; It is a barnyard or stock-farm version of collectivism, appropriate to a mentality that differentiates between various breeds of animals, but not between animals and men.[http://alexpeak.com/twr/racism/] * A genius is a genius, regardless of the number of morons who belong to the same race—and a moron is a moron, regardless of the number of geniuses who share his racial origin.[http://alexpeak.com/twr/racism/] * The skyline of New York is a monument of a splendor that no pyramids or palaces will ever equal or approach. * All the reasons which made the initiation of physical force evil, make the retaliatory use of physical force a moral imperative. * Individual rights are the means of subordinating society to moral law. * The moral precept to adopt...is: Judge, and be prepared to be judged. * Ask yourself why totalitarian dictatorships find it necessary to pour money and effort into propaganda for their own helpless, chained, gagged slaves, who have no means of protest or defense. The answer is that even the humblest peasant or the lowest savage would rise in blind rebellion, were he to realize that he is being immolated, not to some incomprehensible noble purpose, but to plain, naked human evil. *The moral cannibalism of all hedonist and altruist doctrines lies in the premise that the happiness of one man necessitates the injury of another. *Individual rights are not subject to a public vote; a majority has no right to vote away the rights of a minority; the political function of rights is precisely to protect minorities from oppression by majorities (and the smallest minority on earth is the individual). *Since there is no such entity as ‘''the public'',’ since the public is merely a number of individuals, any claimed or implied conflict of ‘the public interest’ with private interests means that the interests of some men are to be sacrificed to the interests and wishes of others. Since the concept is so conveniently undefinable, its use rests only on any given gang's ability to proclaim that ‘The public, ''c’est moi’''—and to maintain the claim at the point of a gun. **Chap. 11, “The Monument Builders” ===''Apollo and Dionysus'' (1969)=== [[File:Woodstock_redmond_rain.JPG|thumb|It is man's irrational emotions that [[w:Woodstock Festival|bring him down to the mud]]...]][[File:Apollo 11 launch.jpg|thumb|...It is man's reason that [[w:Apollo 11|lifts him to the stars]].]] *[''On the attendees at the launch of Apollo 11''] Those people were not a stampeding herd, nor a manipulated mob; they did not wreck the Florida communities, they did not devastate the countryside, they did not throw themselves, like whining thugs, at the mercy of their victims - they did not create any victims. They came as responsible individuals able to project the reality of two or three days ahead, and to provide for their own needs. There were people of every age, creed, color, educational level and economic status. They lived and slept in tents, or in their cars, some for several days, in great discomfort and unbearable heat; they did it gamely, cheerfully, gaily; they projected a general feeling of confident goodwill, the bond of a common enthusiasm; they created a public spectacle of responsible privacy - and they departed as they had come, without benefit of press agents. *One of the paradoxes of our age is the fact that the intellectuals, the politicians, and all the sundry voices that choke like asthma the throat of our communications media, have never gasped and stuttered so loudly about their devotion to the public good, and about the people's will as the supreme criterion of value - and never have they been so grossly indifferent to the people. The reason, obviously, is that collectivist slogans serve as the rationalization for those who intend, not to follow the people, but to rule them. *The most profound breach in this country is not between the rich and the poor, but between the people and the intellectuals. In their view of life, the American people are predominantly Apollonian. The mainstream intellectuals are Dionysian. This means the people are reality-oriented, common sense-oriented, technology-oriented. The intellectuals call this "materialistic," and "middle-class." The intellectuals are emotion-oriented, and seek in panic an escape from a reality they are unable to deal with, and from a technological civilization that ignores their feelings. *And this is the whole shabby secret: to some men, the sight of an achievement is a reproach, a reminder that their own lives are irrational, and that there is no loophole - no escape from reason and reality. Their resentment is the cornered Dionysian element baring its teeth. * '''Some day, the world will discover that, without thought, there can be no love.''' * [The hippies] were told that love - indiscriminate love for one's fellow man - is the highest virtue, and they obeyed. They were told that the merging of one's self with a herd, tribe, or community is the noblest way for a man to live, and they obeyed. There isn't a philosophical idea of today's establishment which they have not accepted, which they do not share. When they discovered this philosophy did not work, because in fact it cannot work, the hippies had neither the wit nor the courage to challenge it. They found, instead, an outlet for their impotent frustration by accusing their elders of hypocrisy, as if hypocrisy were the only obstacle to the realization of their dreams. And, left blindly, helplessly lobotomized in the face of an inexplicable reality that is not amenable to their feelings, they have no recourse but the shouting of obscenities at anything that frustrates their whims; at man, or at the rainy sky, indiscriminately, with no concept of the difference. '''It is typical of today's culture that the proponents of seething, raging hostility are taken as advocates of love.''' *There is a kind of malicious wink, a contemptuous sneer in the public voices claiming the hippies as heroes. The hippies are a desperate herd looking for a master, to be taken over by anyone - anyone who would tell them how to live without demanding the effort of thinking. Theirs is the mentality ready for a fuhrer. *The hippies are the living demonstration of what it means to give up reason, and to rely on one's primeval instincts, urges, intuitions, and whims. With such tools, they are unable to grasp even what is needed to satisfy their wishes; for example, the wish to have a festival. Where would they be without the charity of the local "squares" who fed them? Where would they be without the fifty doctors rushed from New York to save their lives? Without the automobiles that brought them to the festival? Without the soda pop and beer they substituted for water? Without the helicopters that brought the entertainers? Without all the achievements of the technological civilization they denounce? Left to their own devices, they literally didn't know enough to come in out of the rain. *It is fear that drives [the hippies] to seek the warmth, the protection, the safety of a herd. When they speak of merging themselves into a "greater whole," it is their fear that they hope to drown in the undemanding waves of unfastidious human bodies - and what they hope to fish out of that pool is the momentary illusion of an unearned personal significance. *Is there any doubt that drug addiction is an escape from an unbearable inner state - from a reality that one cannot deal with - from an atrophying mind one can never fully destroy? If Apollonian reason were unnatural to man, and Dionysian intuition brought him closer to nature and truth, the apostles of irrationality would not have to resort to drugs. Happy, self-confident men do not seek to get stoned. Drug addiction is the attempt to obliterate one's consciousness, the quest for a deliberately-induced insanity. As such, it is so obscene and evil that any doubt about the moral character of its practitioners is itself an obscenity. *You have all heard the old bromide to the effect that man has his eyes on the stars and his feet in the mud. It is usually taken to mean that man's reason and his physical senses are the element pulling him down to the mud while his mystical, super-rational emotions are the element that lifts him to the stars. This is the grimmest inversion of many in mankind's history. But, last summer, reality offered you a literal dramatization of the truth. It is man's irrational emotions that [[w:Woodstock Festival|bring him down to the mud]]. It is man's reason that [[w:Apollo 11|lifts him to the stars]]. ===''The Romantic Manifesto'' (1969)=== *Art is a selective re-creation of reality according to an artist's individual value-judgments. ** Chapter 1 ("The Psycho-Epistemology of Art") * Anyone who fights for the future, lives in it today. * An artist reveals his naked soul in his work - and so, gentle reader, do you when you respond to it. * Pity for the guilty is treason to the innocent. * Art is man's metaphysical mirror; what a rational man seeks to see in that mirror is a salute; what an irrational man seeks to see is a justification – even if only a justification of his depravity, as a last convulsion of his betrayed self-esteem. ** Chapter 3 ("Art and Sense of Life") * Definitions are the guardians of rationality, the first line of defense against the chaos of mental disintegration. ** Chapter 3 ("Art and Cognition") ===''The New Left: The Anti-Industrial Revolution'' (1971)=== *An Asian peasant who labors through all of his waking hours, with tools created in Biblical times—a South American aborigine who is devoured by piranha in a jungle stream—an African who is bitten by the tsetse fly—an Arab whose teeth are green with decay in his mouth—these do live with their 'natural environment,' but are scarcely able to appreciate its beauty. Try to tell a Chinese mother, whose child is dying of cholera: 'Should one do everything one can? Of course not.' Try to tell a Russian housewife, who trudges miles on foot in sub-zero weather in order to spend hours standing in line at a state store dispensing food rations, that America is defiled by shopping centers, expressways and family cars. ** p. 88 *By the same principle, the government may not give special leniency to the perpetrator of a crime, on the grounds of the nature of his ideas. ** p. 99 *A crime is the violation of the right(s) of other men by force (or fraud). It is only the initiation of physical force against others- i.e., the recourse to violence- that can be classified as a crime in a free society (as distinguished from a civil wrong). Ideas, in a free society, are not a crime- and neither can they serve as the justification of a crime. ** p. 99 *There is a level of cowardice lower than that of the conformist: the fashionable non-conformist. ** p. 123 *Contrary to the ecologists, nature does not stand still and does not maintain the kind of equilibrium that guarantees the survival of any particular species - least of all the survival of her greatest and most fragile product: man. ** p. 134 *...observe that in all the propaganda of the ecologists&mdash;amidst all their appeals to nature and pleas for 'harmony with nature'&mdash;there is no discussion of man's needs and the requirements of his survival. Man is treated as if he were an unnatural phenomenon. Man cannot survive in the kind of state of nature that the ecologists envision&mdash;i.e., on the level of sea urchins or polar bears... ** p. 136 * Today, racism is regarded as a crime if practiced by a majority—but as an inalienable right if practiced by a minority. ** p. 167 ===The Ayn Rand Letter (1971–1976)=== * Thanksgiving is a typically American holiday... The lavish meal is a symbol of the fact that abundant consumption is the result and reward of production. *The right to vote is a consequence, not a primary cause, of a free social system—and its value depends on the constitutional structure implementing and strictly delimiting the voters' power; unlimited majority rule is an instance of the principle of tyranny. *Competition is a by-product of productive work, not its goal. A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others. *Honor is self-esteem made visible in action. ===''Philosophy: Who Needs It'' (1982)=== New York, NY, Bobbs-Merrill, 1982 * There are only two means by which men can deal with one another: guns or logic. Force or persuasion. Those who know that they cannot win by means of logic, have always resorted to guns. * The secret dread of modern intellectuals, liberals and conservatives alike, the unadmitted terror at the root of their anxiety, which all of their current irrationalities are intended to stave off and to disguise, is the unstated knowledge that Soviet Russia is the full, actual, literal, consistent embodiment of the morality of altruism, that Stalin did ''not'' corrupt a noble ideal, that this is the only way altruism has to be or can ever be practiced. **p. 84. * The conservatives see man as a body freely roaming the earth, building sand piles or factories—with an electronic computer inside his skull, controlled from Washington. The liberals see man as a soul freewheeling to the farthest reaches of the universe—but wearing chains from nose to toes when he crosses the street to buy a loaf of bread. ===''The Voice of Reason'' (1989)=== *A culture is made — or destroyed — by its articulate voices. *Aristotle may be regarded as the cultural barometer of Western history. Whenever his influence dominated the scene, it paved the way for one of history's brilliant eras; whenever it fell, so did mankind. *Every coercive monopoly was created by government intervention into the economy: by special privileges, such as franchises or subsidies, which closed the entry of competitors into a given field, by legislative action. ===''Journals of Ayn Rand'' (1997)=== *The purpose of my work: to introduce, or, rather, to re-introduce the original ways of human development. Once viewed as personal responsibility, personal growth, education, and social doctrine were highly effective. Now that they have begun to be approached as an "acceptance," our ideals have begun to rely on the willingness of others to go along with our philosophies. It is now time for us to return to the selfish ideals of the past. *Never demand of another that which would constitute his sacrifice to you. Never grant that which would constitute your sacrifice to him. *Never initiate the use of force against another man. Never let his use of force against you remain unanswered by force. *The actions of all group leaders throughout history have had one common element: [[w:altruism|altruism]] - common good of the collective. Religious leaders and the "moral" majority condemn the likes of [[w:Adolf Hitler|Hitler]], [[w:Joseph Stalin|Stalin]], etc. but their movements and foundations are alike. *... if the majority of men cannot know what is good for them, each for himself, how can they know what is good for others by proxy? If they are to be controlled by specialists, how and by what standard can they choose the specialist? *The human race has only two unlimited capacities: one for suffering and one for lying. I want to fight religion as the root of all human lying and the only excuse for human suffering. *All progress is the work of individuals. *Selfishness does not mean only to do things for one's self. One may do things, affecting others, for his own pleasure and benefit. This is not immoral, but the highest of morality. *The second handers offer substitutes for competence such as love, charm, kindness - easy substitutes - and there is no substitute for creation. *On second handers: [They are] always concerned with people - not facts, ideas, work or production. What would happen to the world without those who think, work, and produce? == Quotes about Rand== :<small>''Alphabetized by author''</small> * It is difficult to accord an important place to Ayn Rand either as a novelist or as a thinker. And yet there is something appealing, even a touch of grandeur, about the figure who emerges from Ms. Branden's somewhat tortured account: the young woman who arrives in America clutching her Remington Rand typewriter (she took her name from it); who not only renames herself but proceeds to remake herself in the shape of her passionately held ideals; the hero-worshiper who invented improbably heroic figures in her novels and who convinced very ordinary people that they too could be heroes; the mature and successful figure who always refused compromise, no matter what the cost, and who faced bitter personal disappointment and pain with an unbending courage. One can understand why this individual, whatever her intellectual and personal foibles, could command loyalty and inspire commitment. ** Peter L. Berger, "Adam Smith Meets Nietzsche", ''The New York Times'' (July 6, 1986) * Although the Objectivist movement clearly had many of the trappings of a cult - the aggrandizement of the person of Ayn Rand, the too ready acceptance of her personal opinions on a host of subjects, the incessant moralizing - it is nevertheless significant that the fundamental attraction of Objectivism... was the precise opposite of religious worship. ** [[w:Barbara Branden|Barbara Branden]], ''The Passion of Ayn Rand'' (p. 371), quoted by [[Michael Shermer|Shermer]] in [http://www.2think.org/02_2_she.shtml ‘The Unlikeliest Cult in History’] (1993). * We were not a cult in the literal, dictionary sense of the word, but certainly there was a cultish aspect to our world.... We were a group organized around a charismatic leader, whose members judged one another's character chiefly by loyalty to that leader and to her ideas... ** [[Nathaniel Branden]] (Ibid. p. 256), quoted by [http://www.2think.org/02_2_she.shtml Shermer] * For [Rand] further holds that objective reality is readily accessible by solitary individuals using words and logic alone. This proposition - rejected by nearly all modern scientists - is essentially a restatement of the Platonic worldview, a fundamental axiom of which is that the universe is made up of ideal essences or 'values' (the term Rand preferred) that can be discovered, dispassionately examined, and objectively analyzed by those few bold minds who are able to finally free themselves from hoary assumptions of the past. Once freed, any truly rational individual must, by simply applying verbal reasoning, independently reach the same set of fundamental conclusions about life, justice and the universe. (Naturally, any mind that fails to do so must, by definition, not yet be free.) ** [[David Brin]], ''Liberty'' magazine, September 2000. * Her novel ''Atlas Shrugged''... a thousand pages of ideological fabulism. I had to ''flog'' myself to read it. ** [[William F. Buckley Jr.]] on [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KmPLkiqnO8 ''The Charlie Rose Show''] *You can piss away valuable hours of your life reading Ayn Rand—her wretched appeal to the young, her wretched writing, her wretched person.<br>She was supposed to be on my show; I was kind of sorry she wasn't, because I was kind of laying for her. I did not succumb, as a kid, to being enthused by Ayn Rand, and that sense of power, as every kid was at one time until they outgrew it. The old bag sent over a list of fifteen conditions for appearing with me, or for appearing with anyone, I guess. One of them was, “There will be no disagreeing with Ms. Rand’s philosophy.” [...] I wrote at the bottom of the list, to be sent back to her, “There will be no Ms. Rand, either.” ** [[Dick Cavett]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20150104142046/http://elongreen.com/post/88018054762/cavett-on-ayn-rands-demands a conversation from an interview by Elon Green] (2014) * Something of this implication is fixed in the book's dictatorial tone, which is much its most striking feature. Out of a lifetime of reading, I can recall no other book in which a tone of overriding arrogance was so implacably sustained. Its shrillness is without reprieve. Its dogmatism is without appeal. In addition, the mind which finds this tone natural to it shares other characteristics of its type.1) It consistently mistakes raw force for strength, and the rawer the force, the more reverent the posture of the mind before it. 2) It supposes itself to be the bringer of a final revelation. Therefore, resistance to the Message cannot be tolerated because disagreement can never be merely honest, prudent, or just humanly fallible. Dissent from revelation so final (because, the author would say, so reasonable) can only be willfully wicked. There are ways of dealing with such wickedness, and, in fact, right reason itself enjoins them. <BR><b>From almost any page of ''Atlas Shrugged'', a voice can be heard, from painful necessity, commanding: “To a gas chamber — go!”</b> ** [[Whittaker Chambers]], [http://www.nationalreview.com/articles/222482/big-sister-watching-you/flashback 'Big Sister Is Watching You'], ''National Review'' (1957) * I loved Ayn Rand when I was 18 — before I had children and figured out how the world really works. That's not how it works, as it turns out. **{{W|Stephanie Clayton}}, [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/02/us/politics/republican-tax-cuts.html How Low Can Taxes Go? Outside Washington, Republicans Find Limits] in the ''New York Times'', 2017 * I believe Ayn Rand's first love poem went: Roses are red/ violets are blue/ finish this poem yourself / you dependent parasite ** [[Stephen Colbert]], [https://twitter.com/stephenathome/status/294303857134153728 twitter post] (2013) * A passionate hater of religion, Rand founded a cult around her own person, complete with rituals of excommunication; a passionate believer in rationality and logic, she was incapable of seeing the contradictions in her own work. She was a rationalist who was not entirely rational; she could not distinguish between rationalism and rationality. Of narrow aesthetic sympathies, she laid down the law in matters of artistic judgment like a panjandrum; a believer in honesty, she was adept at self-deception and special pleading. I have rarely read a biography of a writer I should have cared so little to meet. ** [[Theodore Dalrymple]], [http://www.newcriterion.com/articles.cfm/Ayn-Rand--engineer-of-souls-4385 'Ayn Rand: engineer of souls'], ''The New Criterion'' (2010) *The most devoted member of (Rand's) inner circle," [[George Monbiot]] writes, "was [[Alan Greenspan]], former head of the [[Federal Reserve System|US Federal Reserve]]. Among the essays he wrote for Rand were those published in a book he co-edited with her called ''Capitalism: The Unknown Ideal''. Here, starkly explained, you'll find the philosophy he brought into government. There is no need for the regulation of business—even builders or Big Pharma—he argued, as 'the "greed" of the businessman or, more appropriately, his profit-seeking ... is the unexcelled protector of the consumer.' As for bankers, their need to win the trust of their clients guarantees that they will act with honour and integrity. Unregulated capitalism, he maintains, is a 'superlatively moral system.' **[https://www.alternet.org/2018/04/paul-ryans-biggest-influence-10-things-you-should-know-about-lunatic-ayn-rand/ Paul Ryan’s Biggest Influence: 10 Things You Should Know About the Lunatic Ayn Rand, Jan Frel, ''AlterNet''], (11 April 2018) *Rand makes the individual the center, essentially sacred, but this is key: It's a materialistic philosophy, an atheistic philosophy. She does not believe in God. Rand says very explicitly that she's an atheist.<BR>This is the crux of Rand, the tension point of why she will never fit easily into conservatism. The atheism piece will always be the one that people pretty much decide to ignore and push aside. But it really was an essential part of the package as she saw it. **[https://qz.com/882493/donald-trump-paul-ryan-and-andy-puzder-say-they-love-ayn-rands-controversial-philosophy-heres-what-us-republicans-keep-getting-wrong-about-it/ US Republican leaders love Ayn Rand’s controversial philosophy—and are increasingly misinterpreting it. Thu-Huong Ha,] [[w:Quartz (publication)|Quartz (publication)]] (19 January 2017) * Rand was broken by the Bolsheviks as a girl, and she never left their bootprint behind. She believed her philosophy was Bolshevism's opposite, when in reality it was its twin. Both she and the Soviets insisted a small revolutionary elite in possession of absolute rationality must seize power and impose its vision on a malleable, imbecilic mass. The only difference was that Lenin thought the parasites to be stomped on were the rich, while Rand thought they were the poor. ** [[w:Johann Hari|Johann Hari]], [http://www.slate.com/articles/arts/books/2009/11/how_ayn_rand_became_an_american_icon.html 'How Ayn Rand Became an American Icon'], ''Slate'' (2009) * Objectivism—a view that makes a religious fetish of selfishness and disposes of altruism and compassion as character flaws. If nothing else, this approach to ethics was a triumph of marketing, as Objectivism is basically autism rebranded. And Rand's attempt to make literature out of this awful philosophy produced some commensurately terrible writing. ** [[Sam Harris]], ''[http://www.samharris.org/blog/item/how-to-lose-readers-without-even-trying ''How to Lose Readers (Without Even Trying)''] (August 24, 2011) * We had a very brief exchange. She swelled in anger and spun away, remaining only long enough to say, ‘You are a compromiser.’ ** [[Friedrich Hayek]], quoted in Theodore J. Lowi, [http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/15/books/review/Letters-t-COLLECTIVESH_LETTERS.html letter to ''New York Times''] (November 12, 2009) * Rand has not often had a positive reception from the ethics community for a number of reasons. The major one is that she championed self‐interest loudly and forcefully. For an ethics community committed to the view that morality means restraining and sacrificing self interest this could mean only one thing: She must be urging the strong to do whatever they feel like to the weak. That view, given the long history of ethics, could simply be rejected out of hand. <b>But such a rejection evaluates Rand’s advocacy of self‐interest from within a set of premises about economics and human nature that she rejects.</b> She rejects the belief that ethics starts by taking conflicts of interest as fundamental. She rejects the view that ethics starts by reacting to scarce resources; she rejects the view that ethics starts by reacting to the nasty things some people want to do to each other; and she rejects the view that ethics starts by asking what to do about the poor and unable. ** [[w:Stephen Hicks|Stephen Hicks]], “Ayn Rand and Contemporary Business Ethics,” in <I>Journal of Accounting, Ethics & Public Policy</i>, Volume 3, Number 1 (Winter 2003), pp. 1-26 * I care very much about literature as the place where the real ethical dilemmas are met, so to have novels as transcendently awful as ''Atlas Shrugged'' and ''The Fountainhead'' sort of undermines my project. And though I have some respect for ''The Virtue of Selfishness'', her collection of essays... <b>I don't think there's any need to have essays advocating selfishness among human beings.</b> ** [[Christopher Hitchens]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wYR6e9Z6es 'The Moral Necessity of Atheism'] at Sewanee University (2004) * There have even been outright bad writers blessed by the visitation of a poetic title. Ayn Rand had one with ''The Fountainhead'', and another with ''Atlas Shrugged'': a bit of a mouthful, but nobody has ever spat it out without first being fascinated with what it felt like to chew. Yet if those were not two of the worst books ever written - the worst books ever written don't even get published - they were certainly among the worst books ever to be taken seriously. ** [[Clive James]], ''Cultural Amnesia'' (2007), p. 80 * I have read some of Rand's essays on art and philosophy. They struck me, as I said in a review of a book about her philosophy of art (reprinted in my book ''Art’s Prospect''), as pretty thin gruel. I never made it through either of Rand's two big novels, ''The Fountainhead'' and ''Atlas Shrugged''. To enjoy either, I suspect, you had to have encountered Rand in adolescence, when so many of life's lasting enthusiasms are forged. In recent years, a few friends have urged Rand on me, and I dutifully tried both novels more than once. Each time, I found myself oscillating between fits of the giggles, at the awful prose, and irritation, at the jejune philosophy. ** [[w:Roger Kimball|Roger Kimball]], [https://pjmedia.com/rogerkimball/2010/02/05/one-or-two-thoughts-about-ayn-rand/?singlepage=true 'One or two thoughts about Ayn Rand'], ''PJ Media'' (2010) *Like her other works of fiction and nonfiction, the book [[Atlas Shrugged|''Atlas Shrugged'']] manages to be both deeply sinister and deeply ridiculous, which isn't so easy to do.<BR>Today there is a very small minority of economists who take her ideas seriously. There are virtually no biologists, anthropologists, sociologists, ethologists, geneticists or evolutionary theorists who do. Her ideas about the individual simply do not fit the objective research about how our species behaves and prospers. **[https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-sinister-folly-of-ayn_b_73562 The Sinister Folly of Ayn Rand, Jesse Larner, ''Huffpost''] (20 November 2007) *Ayn Rand helped make the United States into one of the most uncaring nations in the industrialized world, a neo-Dickensian society where healthcare is only for those who can afford it, and where young people are coerced into huge student-loan debt that cannot be discharged in bankruptcy. *While Harriet Beecher Stowe shamed Americans about the United States' dehumanization of African Americans and slavery, Ayn Rand removed Americans' guilt for being selfish and uncaring about anyone except themselves. Not only did Rand make it “moral” for the wealthy not to pay their fair share of taxes, she “liberated” millions of other Americans from caring about the suffering of others, even the suffering of their own children. **[https://www.salon.com/2014/12/15/one_nation_under_galt_how_ayn_rands_toxic_philosophy_permanently_transformed_america_partner/ One nation under Galt: How Ayn Rand's toxic philosophy permanently transformed America,] [[w:Salon (website)|Salon]], [[Bruce E. Levine]], (15 December 2014) * [F]rom the initial outline Ayn Rand provided, a very rich and powerful philosophy emerges – e.g., it solves such problems as science versus free will and moral responsibility, knowledge versus the fact of fallibility. Merely because Rand's ideas were not born in academe or developed in full detail by her, it cannot be concluded that they are unsound. ** [[w:Tibor Machan|Tibor Machan]], ''New York Times'' letter to the editor, [http://www.nytimes.com/1986/08/03/books/l-ayn-rand-s-philosophy-095886.html August 3, 1986]. * I think that in some ways the libertarian movement—possibly due to the combined influence of Ayn Rand and many economists—has gotten to a kind of ideological dead end that I don't think does justice to business or capitalism or human nature. ** [[w:John Mackey (businessman)|John Mackey]], as quoted by Tom G. Palmer “Interview with an Entrepreneur: Featuring John Mackey”, in ''The Morality of Capitalism: What Your Professors Won’t Tell You'' (2011), Ed. Tom G. Palmer, Jameson Books, p. 16. * Many years ago, on a television network far, far away, I expressed support for libertarianism because back then it meant that I didn't want Big Government in my bedroom or my medicine chest, and especially not in the second drawer of the night-stand on the left side of my bed. And I still believe that. But somewhere along the way libertarianism morphed into this creepy obsession with Free Market capitalism based on an Ayn Rand novel called ‘‘Atlas Shrugged’’, a book that’s never been read all the way through by anyone with a girlfriend. ** [[Bill Maher]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55zDEBNqfk4 ‘Bill Maher Trashes Libertarians’] * Rand's guiding vision is clearly what used to be called infantile omnipotence – the childish hope of total control – and her doctrines have great influence because that hope is still always strong in the depths of our hearts. The fear that haunts her is the fear of having to obey someone else. This fear, intelligently disciplined, does indeed lie at the root of our emphasis on liberty, but there is nothing to be said for erecting it on its own into a "heroic" stance of self-admiration. ** [[Mary Midgley]], [http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/belief/2009/may/01/philosophy-religion-hobbes-ayn-rand ‘Hobbes’s Leviathan, part 5’], ‘‘The Guardian’’ (2009) * I have to say I found Ayn Rand’s philosophy laughable. It was "a white supremacist dreams of the master race," burnt in an early-20th century form. Her ideas didn't really appeal to me, but they seemed to be the kind of ideas that people would espouse, people who might secretly believe themselves to be part of the elite, and not part of the excluded majority. ** [[Alan Moore]], in ''Comic Book Artist #9'' (August 2000) "The Charlton Comics Story: 1945-1968" by Jon B. Cooke * Rand tended to believe that questions of fact could be determined by the manipulation of vague terms. This tendency is most clearly illustrated in her so-called "metaphysical" theory of reality, in which she tries to demonstrate the objectivity of reality and validate causality on the basis of cognitively empty tautologies such as "existence exists" and "A is A." ** Grey Nyquist, ''Ayn Rand Contra Human Nature'', iUniverse, 2001. * Ayn Rand is one of those things that a lot of us, when we were 17 or 18 and feeling misunderstood, we'd pick up. Then, as we get older, we realize that a world in which we're only thinking about ourselves and not thinking about anybody else, in which we're considering the entire project of developing ourselves as more important than our relationships to other people and making sure that everybody else has opportunity – that that's a pretty narrow vision. ** [[Barack Obama]], [http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/obama-and-the-road-ahead-the-rolling-stone-interview-20121025 "Obama and the Road Ahead: The Rolling Stone Interview"], 2012 *'''The fiction of Ayn Rand is as low as you can get re fiction. I hope you picked it up off the floor of the subway and threw it in the nearest garbage pail.''' ** [[w:Flannery O’Conner|Flannery O’Connor]], The Habit of Being: Letters of Flannery O'Connor (1979) (ed. Sally Fitzgerald), p. 398 * But all of Rand's heroic capitalists triumph in industries that are now dead or bleeding. It's easy to write potboilers that posit sharp moral distinctions between the makers and takers when you live in a big-shouldered factory world where people still make things. ** [[Laura Penny]], ''More Money Than Brains'' (2010), p. 15 * St. Petersburg in revolt gave us Vladimir Nabokov, Isaiah Berlin and Ayn Rand. The first was a novelist, the second a philosopher. The third was neither but thought she was both. Many other people have thought so too. ** Corey Robin, “Garbage and Gravitas”. ''The Nation'' (2010) * <b>There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old's life: ''The Lord of the Rings'' and ''Atlas Shrugged''. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.</b> ** [[John Rogers]], quoted by [[Paul Krugman]] in [http://krugman.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/09/23/im-ellsworth-toohey/ 'I'm Ellsworth Toohey!'], ''The New York Times'' (2010) * Wit and humor, as might be gathered from this incident, were ''verboten'' in the Randian movement. The philosophical rationale was that humor demonstrates that one "is not serious about one’s values." The actual reason, of course, is that no cult can withstand the piercing and sobering effect, the sane perspective, provided by humor. One was permitted to sneer at one's enemies, but that was the only humor allowed, if humor that be. ** [[Murray Rothbard]], [http://archive.lewrockwell.com/rothbard/rothbard23.html ‘The Sociology of the Ayn Rand Cult’] (1972) * We conclude our analysis of the Rand cult with the observation that here was an extreme example of contradiction between the exoteric and the esoteric creed. That in the name of individuality, reason, and liberty, the Rand cult in effect preached something totally different. The Rand cult was concerned not with every man's individuality, but only with Rand's individuality, not with everyone's right reason but only with Rand's reason. The only individuality that flowered to the extent of blotting out all others, was Ayn Rand's herself; everyone else was to become a cipher subject to Rand's mind and will. ** Murray Rothbard, "The Sociology of the Ayn Rand Cult" (1972) * Many of the battles she engaged in rage on today. There are still debates about the free market, movements lobbying for collectivism and state power, and confrontations between doctrines of self-reliance and doctrines of self-sacrifice. But the world Rand actually wanted her heroes to build now seems far from revolutionary; it can even seem somewhat quaint, an almost retro fantasy. It was a Romantic utopia, in which the tensions of democratic life are not resolved but avoided. ** [[w:Edward Rothstein|Edward Rothstein]], [http://www.nytimes.com/2005/02/02/books/considering-the-last-romantic-ayn-rand-at-100.html ‘Considering the Last Romantic, Ayn Rand, at 100’] in ‘‘The New York Times’’ (2005) * For a time, my politics were similar. We all, I think, go through these periods. Some of us never exit them, holding to the strange belief that Ayn Rand is remotely sane through our entire adult lives. ** Phil Sandifer, [http://projectnes.blogspot.com/2010/03/john-galt-has-been-kidnapped-by-ninjas.html John Galt has been Kidnapped by Ninjas (Bad Dudes)], 2010 *(T)he idealized world Ayn Rand has created to facilitate her wishful theorizing has no more logical connection to our real one than a world in which an author has imagined humanity ruled by intelligent cups of yogurt. This is most obviously revealed by the fact that '''in Ayn Rand’s world, a man who self-righteously instigates the collapse of society, thereby inevitably killing millions if not billions of people, is portrayed as a messiah figure rather than as a genocidal prick''', which is what he’d be anywhere else. ** [[John Scalzi]], [http://whatever.scalzi.com/2010/10/01/what-i-think-about-atlas-shrugged/ What I Think About Atlas Shrugged], 2010 *Ayn Rand is one of the most widely read philosophers of the twentieth century. … Academics have often dismissed her ideas as "pop" philosophy. As a best-selling novelist, a controversial, flamboyant polemicist, and a woman in a male dominated profession, Rand remained outside the academy throughout her life. Her works had inspired passionate responses that echo the uncompromising nature of her moral vision. In many cases, her audiences were either cultish in their devotion or savage in their attacks. *The left was infuriated by her anticommunist, procapitalist politics, whereas the right was disgusted by her atheism and civil libertarianism. **[[w:Chris Matthew Sciabarra|Chris Matthew Sciabarra]], in ''Ayn Rand : The Russian Radical'' (1995) Introduction, p. 1 * The cultic flaw in Ayn Rand's philosophy of Objectivism is not in the use of reason, or in the emphasis on individuality, or in the belief that humans are self motivated, or in the conviction that capitalism is the ideal system. The fallacy in Objectivism is the belief that absolute knowledge and final Truths are attainable through reason, and therefore there can be absolute right and wrong knowledge, and absolute moral and immoral thought and action. For Objectivists, once a principle has been discovered through reason to be True, that is the end of the discussion. If you disagree with the principle, then your reasoning is flawed. If your reasoning is flawed it can be corrected, but if it is not, you remain flawed and do not belong in the group. Excommunication is the final step for such unreformed heretics. ** [[Michael Shermer]], [http://www.2think.org/02_2_she.shtml ‘The Unlikeliest Cult in History’], Skeptic, vol. 2, no. 2. (1993) pp.74-81 *The rich see money as a positive tool that has the power to create freedom and opportunity for themselves and their families. Being wealthy gives them the option to live what author/philosopher Ayn Rand called “an unrestricted existence.” This means having the ability to do what they want, when they want, with whom they want, for as long as they want, without limitations. ** Steve Siebold (2010). ''How Rich People Think'', London House, p. 32 * [M]ore conservative theorists are not discussed... Ayn Rand [doesn't] warrant a mention. ** Christine Stolba, on Rand's complete absence from a selection of widely-used American [[w:women's studies|women's studies]] textbooks despite her prominence, in "[http://www.iwf.org/files/d8dcafa439b9c20386c05f94834460ac.pdf Lying in a Room of One's Own: How Women's Studies Textbooks Miseducate Students]" (2002) *To sum it all up, the [Ayn] Rand belief system looks like this: <br> 1. Facts are facts: things can be absolutely right or absolutely wrong, as determined by reason <br> 2. According to my reasoning, I am absolutely right. <br> 3. Charity is immoral. <br> 4. Pay for your own fucking schools. <br> :* {{w|Matt Taibbi}}, ''Griftopia: Bubble Machines, Vampire Squids, and the Long Con That Is Breaking America'' * This odd little woman is attempting to give a moral sanction to greed and self interest, and to pull it off she must at times indulge in purest Orwellian newspeak of the "freedom is slavery" sort. What interests me most about her is not the absurdity of her "philosophy," but the size of her audience (in my campaign for the House she was the one writer people knew and talked about). She has a great attraction for simple people who are puzzled by organized society, who object to paying taxes, who dislike the "welfare" state, who feel guilt at the thought of the suffering of others but who would like to harden their hearts. For them, she has an enticing prescription: altruism is the root of all evil, self-interest is the only good, and if you're dumb or incompetent that's your lookout. ** [[Gore Vidal]], [http://www.esquire.com/features/gore-vidal-archive/comment-0761 "Comment", ''Esquire'' (July 1961)] *For to justify and extol human greed and egotism is to my mind not only immoral, but evil. *For one thing, it is gratuitous to advise any human being to look out for himself. You can be sure that he will. It is far more difficult to persuade him to help his neighbor to build a dam or to defend a town or to give food he has accumulated to the victims of a famine. But since we must live together, dependent upon one another for many things and services, altruism is necessary to survival. To get people to do needed things is the perennial hard task of government, not to mention of religion and philosophy. *That it is right to help someone less fortunate is an idea which has figured in most systems of conduct since the beginning of the race. We often fail. That predatory demon “I” is difficult to contain but until now we have all agreed that to help others is a right action. [...] *Ayn Rand's "philosophy" is nearly perfect in its immorality, which makes the size of her audience all the more ominous and symptomatic as we enter a curious new phase in our society. To justify and extol human greed and egotism is to my mind not only immoral, but evil. ** [[Gore Vidal]], [http://www.esquire.com/features/gore-vidal-archive/comment-0761 "Comment", ''Esquire'' (July 1961)] * Right-wing think tanks can have Rand (even if she had little use for them). In the academy, she is a nonperson. Her theories are works of fiction. Her works of fiction are theories, and bad ones at that. Should the Republicans actually win in 2012, we might need to study her in the academic world. It would be for the same reason we sometimes need to study creationism. ** [[Alan Wolfe]], [http://chronicle.com/blogs/conversation/2012/08/19/the-ridiculous-rise-of-ayn-rand/ ‘The Ridiculous Rise of Ayn Rand’], The Chronicle of Higher Education (2012) *Ayn Rand was smart yet bitter enough enough to wedge herself into an airtight corner of [[Circular reasoning|circular arguments]] and rewritten history. *Her philosophical system was able to filter out any [[evidence]] or [[argument]] that might challenge or correct the system. It reached a halt-state. There was no way to get her out or reach in to her from the outside: her system is too ironclad. ** [[John C. Wright]], [http://www.scifiwright.com/2017/06/objectivism-and-alt-right/ "Objectivism and Alt-Right"] (2017) ==External links== *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{wikisource-inline|Author:Ayn Rand}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} {{Social and political philosophers}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Rand, Ayn}} [[Category:Atheism activists]] [[Category:Activists from the United States]] [[Category:Anti-communists]] [[Category:Anti-fascists]] [[Category:Anti-war activists]] [[Category:Critics of religion]] [[Category:Novelists from the United States]] [[Category:Playwrights from the United States]] [[Category:Essayists from the United States]] [[Category:Philosophers from the United States]] [[Category:Screenwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Science fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Atheists from the United States]] [[Category:American Jews]] [[Category:Russian Jews]] [[Category:1905 births]] [[Category:1982 deaths]] [[Category:Monarchists]] [[Category:Objectivists]] [[Category:Philosophers from Russia]] [[Category:Russian novelists]] [[Category:Russian essayists]] [[Category:Russian playwrights]] [[Category:Political authors]] [[Category:Women authors]] [[Category:American women]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from Russia]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:People from St. Petersburg]] [[Category:Secularists]] [[Category:Jewish atheists]] [[Category:Women born in the 20th century]] a1evz0gzifv96budzsiueua7yj6jeln 0 2843 3157842 3157830 2022-08-25T14:13:56Z Antandrus 237630 Undo revision 3157830 by [[Special:Contributions/1.145.180.116|1.145.180.116]] ([[User talk:1.145.180.116|talk]]) the usual wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:JonStewart.jpg|thumb|right|"My life [is] a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabbalah center brunches with the cast of ''Friends''. At least that's what my handlers tell me."]] '''[[w:Jon Stewart|Jon Stewart]]''' (born '''Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz''', [[28 November]], [[1962]]) is an [[w:American|American]] [[w:actor|actor]] and [[w:comedian|comedian]]. He was also the host of the [[w:Emmy award|Emmy-award]] winning program, ''[[The Daily Show]]'', author of ''[[w:Naked Pictures of Famous People|Naked Pictures of Famous People]]'' and co-author of the ''New York Times'' bestseller ''[[w:America (The Book)|America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction]]''. :'''''See also [[The Daily Show]]''''' == Quotes == * '''Little and hairy.''' But if [The ''New York Post''] want to go with smart and stylish then hey, more power to them. Good luck. **[http://jon.happyjoyfun.net/tran/1990/93_1223steppingout.html ''Steppin' Out'' interview], December 23, 1993, when asked how he would describe himself. *I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something." **[http://jon.happyjoyfun.net/tran/1990/95_0126rolling.html ''Rolling Stone'' interview], January 26, 1995 *I signed up for what? '''I thought I was just ordering cable.''' **''Chicago Tribune'', August 12, 1998; on signing on as host of ''The Daily Show''. *The best-laid plans of mice and comedians usually wind up on the cutting-room floor. **''Charleston Gazette'' [http://jon.happyjoyfun.net/tran/1999/99_0109charl.html interview], January 9, 1999 *You wake up and you're still a little drunk and you can't believe that hot girl from last night actually has a beard and a penis. **''[[w:Cosmopolitan (magazine)|Cosmopolitan]]'', January 1999, on embarrassing dates. *'''You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work.''' I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things. **''Orange County Register'', July 9, 1999 [[File:Jon Stewart tells jokes behind the president’s lectern as President Obama and the First Lady look on during the comedy show in celebration of the 75th anniversary of the USO and the 5th anniversary of Joining Forces (26240098743).jpg|thumb|right|I've seen otters—they look better covered in oil.]] *That whole thing has been overstated by environmentalists. First of all, what is it, rocks and snow? C'mon, what is that, you want that? Go to Canada my friend. Believe me, rocks and snow are overrated. '''I've seen otters—they look better covered in oil'''. **''Nightline'', 2001. On governments plans to drill in Alaska. * I don't know what all the controversy is about, quite frankly. I've met [[Eminem]], I met him backstage, and he's really gay. ** Grammy Awards, February 21, 2001 * If you look on their lawn, there are... it looks like a tent city of reporters. I don't know what insight they think they're going to glean from these people's grief, but if there's ever a situation where someone who's just lost their daughter has anything to say other than "this sucks," I'd be happy to see a news crew on their lawn, but until then, why are these people there? ** On exploitative media coverage of the [[w:Danielle Van Dam|Danielle Van Dam]] case, [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OymCVXtl3-4&feature=channel_page Paley Center for Media interview], 2002 * '''This show ''is'' our own personal beliefs.''' ** [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpSw0j8-4_o&feature=SeriesPlayList&p=C889CCEBD1303E1D Paley Center interview], in response to an audience question, "How do you keep your own personal beliefs from showing up in the show?" * '''Howard Kurtz:''' CNN has is broadcasting your show internationally.<br />'''Jon Stewart:''' I am not.<br />'''Kurtz:''' Does that make you legitimate?<br />'''Stewart:''' No, I am illegitimate. I am the bastard son of anything. We're not— we're fake. * '''Kurtz:''' So you don't, you're not confusing yourself with a quote, "real journalist"?<br />'''Stewart:''' No. ''You'' guys are—<br />'''Kurtz:''' You're just making fun—<br />'''Stewart:''' You guys are confusing yourselves with real journalists. ** {{citation | date = 2002-11-02 | title = Reliable Sources | publisher = CNN | medium = Television | url = http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0211/02/rs.00.html }} * If done for the right reasons, liberating a country from a despot, I don't see how that's immoral. Ah, done quickly, and then we all leave, yeah that's kind of... I mean, it's so much obviously more complicated than that. They're literally, if he doesn't allow inspections, we're bombing him — ''I'll allow inspections''. If he doesn't allow them... on Tuesday — ''I'll allow them on Tuesday''. If he doesn't serve fondue — ''alright, I'll serve fondue''. '''I mean, they're gonna do anything, it's clear they cast their die, I mean, as hard as it is for [[w: Dick Cheney|Dick Cheney]] to get an erection, he's not gonna let this opportunity go by.''' ** [http://www.iop.harvard.edu/events_forum_archive_2002.html Harvard University], December 13, 2002, in response to a question about the prospect of war in Iraq, should [[w:Saddam Hussein|Saddam Hussein]] continue to dodge weapons inspections. [[File:Edward_r_murrow_challenge_of_ideas_screenshot_2.jpg|thumb|right|The pursuit of being a judge, an arbiter, and earning the trust of the audience over time as an oversight to the shenanigans of the political world.]] *Here is what I believe is the paradigm that would be effective and what I would love to see, and you're going to laugh because Fox News is my model. What Fox has done is they've got a guy, [[w:Roger Ailes|Roger Ailes]], who's passionate and has created a model for a 24-hour news station that makes money based on a point of view... '''Using Fox's model, find someone with the passion and the ''huevos'' to just lay it on the line — not in a partisan way, not in the pursuit of political power and political gain, but in the pursuit of credibility.''' In the pursuit of being a judge, an arbiter, and earning the trust of the audience over time as an oversight to the shenanigans of the political world. **''[[w:Charlie Rose (talk show)|Charlie Rose]]'' [http://www.charlierose.com/shows/2004/09/29/1/a-conversation-with-comedy-centrals-jon-stewart interview], September 29, 2004, describing his ideal news network. *If I was to really get at the burr in my saddle, it's not politics — and this is, I think, probably a horrible analogy — but I look at politicians as, they are doing what inherently they need to do to retain power. Their job is to consolidate power. '''When you go to the zoo and you see a monkey throwing poop, you go, "that's what monkeys do, what are you gonna do?" But what I wish the media would do more frequently is say "bad monkey."''' **''Charlie Rose'' interview, September 29, 2004 *It's a brilliant metaphor. '''What I meant to say was, when you see a monkey ''masturbating'' at the zoo...''' **[[w:C-SPAN|C-SPAN]] interview, October 14, 2004, when asked about the above quote. * [''[[w:Robert Novak|Robert Novak]]''] apparently, they say, broke his hip. I think it's not the case. '''I believe his hip tried to escape.''' **C-SPAN interview, October 14, 2004 *How did [[w:Rathergate|Memogate]] get a "gate"? How did [[w:Super Bowl XXXVIII halftime show controversy|Nipplegate]] get a "gate"? '''We invaded a country with the wrong information, and Janet Jackson's ''tit'' got a "gate". Who gives out the "gates"?''' Is there a "Gate"-gate? Is there a, a... I mean, it's absolute... We're living in insanity! **C-SPAN interview, October 14, 2004 *Everybody wrings their hands about Fox News. You know, "fair and balanced? Why, that's snide!" '''Yeah, okay, maybe they're not fair and balanced, but CNN used to have the slogan "You Can Depend on CNN". Guess what? I watch it, no you can't.''' So what's the difference? **C-SPAN interview, October 14, 2004 * '''Jon Stewart:''' And I made a special effort to come on the show today, because I have privately, amongst my friends and also in occasional newspapers and television shows, mentioned this show as being bad.<br />'''[[Paul Begala]]:''' We have noticed.<br />'''Stewart:''' And I wanted to — I felt that that wasn't fair and I should come here and tell you that I don't — it's not so much that it's bad, as it's hurting America.<br />'''[[Tucker Carlson]]:''' But in its defense —<br />'''Stewart:''' But I wanted to come here today and say — Here's just what I wanted to tell you guys:<br />'''Carlson:''' Yes.<br />'''Stewart:''' Stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop hurting America. * '''Carlson:''' You had John Kerry on your show and you sniff his throne and you're accusing us of partisan hackery?<br />'''Stewart:''' Absolutely.<br />'''Carlson:''' You've got to be kidding me. He comes on and you—<br />'''Stewart:''' You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you? ** {{citation | date = 2004-10-15 | title = Crossfire | publisher = CNN | medium = Television | url = http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0410/15/cf.01.html }} * Do you guys ''have'' to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core. **[http://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html?docId=542410 Amazon.com interview], 2004 *'''The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.''' That's all it is. All those media companies say, "We're going to make a killing here." You won't because it's still only as good as the content. **[http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/13.09/stewart.html?pg=2&topic=stewart&topic_set= ''Wired'' interview], September 13, 2005 * The American people. For their just ''utter'' patience. **[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_qAgaGYh3w On ''Larry King Live''], in response to the question "Who in this administration fascinates you the most?" February 26, 2006 * Did you really just ask me if I ''want'' it to be bad? I have kids! What do you think? "Yeah, I don't want them to have any kind of a -- I want things to corrode to the point where we're all living in huts." [...] [I] "like things to go a little wrong" like [[w:Dick Cheney hunting incident|birdshot to the face of a guy that would survive]], not "like things to go wrong" till it's like ''[[w:Mad Max|Mad Max]]'', every-man-for-himself-let's-all-ride-around-and-machine-guns, which seems to be the way that it's [going]. ** Responding to King's suggestion that as a political comedian Stewart would "want things to be bad" because that would provide him with the most fodder for jokes *Are you insane?! ** Responding to King's example, "So, you wouldn't want [[w:Medicare|Medicare]] to fail?" * Everybody thought [[Barack Obama]] was going to [inspire people] when he came to Washington, but, you know, the Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die. ** Originally spoken, reprinted in [http://davidsirota.com/index.php/mr-obama-goes-to-washington/ Mr. Obama Goes to Washington] By [[David Sirota]] in ''The Nation'', June 7, 2006. [[File:USAF_F-15E_releases_GBU-28.jpg|thumb|right|President Bush has uranium-tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he'll be OK.]] *Here's the way I look at it. '''President Bush has uranium-tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he'll be OK.''' **[http://www.rollingstone.com/news/coverstory/jon_stewart_stephen_colbert_americas_anchors ''Rolling Stone'' interview], October 31, 2006 *'''We are not warriors in anyone's army.''' And that is not trying to be self-deprecating. I'm proud of what we do. I really like these two shows. I like making 'em. I like watching them. I'm really proud of them. But I understand their place. I don't view us as people who lead social movements. **[http://www.rollingstone.com/news/coverstory/jon_stewart_stephen_colbert_americas_anchors ''Rolling Stone'' interview], October 31, 2006, on the role of ''The Daily Show'' and ''[[The Colbert Report]]''. [[File:Briny_Beach.jpg|thumb|right|I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on.]] *'''I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on.''' **[http://www.nofactzone.net/?p=1384 ''Philadelphia Inquirer'' interview], April 22, 2007 *The best part is that I'm able to come in, and whenever I want, choose an intern... oh, wait — Is this being recorded? No, the coolest part is the ability to have a silly thought about whatever is going on in your world at 10 o'clock in the morning, and be able to see it go out on the airwaves at 11 o'clock that night. '''That's an amazing privilege.''' **''Philadelphia Inquirer'' interview, April 22, 2007 *The reason I don't worry about society is, nineteen people knocked down two buildings and killed thousands. ''Hundreds'' of people ran into those buildings to save them. I'll take those odds every fucking day. **[http://www.rollingstone.com''Rolling Stone'' interview], November 2007 *Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. **"Late Night with Conan O'Brien," January 29, 2009 * That's the [[embarrassment]]. The embarrassment is that I'm given [[credibility]] in this [[world]], because of the [[disappointment]] that the [[public]] has in what the [[news media]] does. Not because I have an [[ideological]] [[agenda]]. ** Jon Stewart to Chris Wallace, Fox News Interview June 19, 2011 [[File:Partial_stadium_collapse_at_Big12_college_football_championship_-_2005.JPG|thumb|Unfortunately, the messiness of [[democracy]] is often maybe one of its greatest weak points. People generally want [[prosperity]] and [[security]]. <br> If a democratic system is having difficulty providing that or if it's being subverted by those who want to create [[chaos]] so that they can make a more [[authoritarian]] [[government]], that's part of it, too. <br> If we have identified the [[w:Pressure point|pressure points]] where the [[w:Guard rail|guardrails]] look most vulnerable, that's where we should be focusing so much of our efforts in terms of [[strengthening]]. … The encouraging thing is watching on a grassroots level, people that are really viewing it as something that they want to protect and that they want to strengthen.]] * Comedian Jon Stewart says political commentators are “making a mistake” focusing on former President [[Donald Trump]]’s individual contributions to eroding [[democracy]], arguing instead that [[America]]’s institutions are vulnerable to “the [[idea]] that [[power]] is its own [[reward]].” <br> “I don’t know if [[autocracy]] is purely the domain of Donald Trump,” the former "[[Daily Show]]" host said in an interview aired Sunday on CNN’s “State of the Union.” “Unfortunately, the messiness of democracy is often maybe one of its greatest weak points. People generally want [[prosperity]] and [[security]]." <br> "If a democratic system is having difficulty providing that or if it's being subverted by those who want to create [[chaos]] so that they can make a more [[authoritarian]] [[government]], that's part of it, too,” he added. <br> “If we have identified the [[w:Pressure point|pressure points]] where the [[w:Guardrail|guardrails]] look most vulnerable, that's where we should be focusing so much of our efforts in terms of [[strengthening]]. … The encouraging thing is watching on a grassroots level, people that are really viewing it as something that they want to protect and that they want to strengthen,” Stewart said. ** Jon Stewart to Jake Tapper, CNN, "State of the Union", (October 17, 2021) as quoted by Craig Howie, [https://www.politico.com/news/2021/10/17/jon-stewart-risks-to-system-trump-516152 “Jon Stewart warns more risks to the political system than Trump”], ''Politico'', (10/17/2021) * “Again, he is not [[singing]] new songs. … He is maybe singing them better than [the late Sen. Barry] [[w:Barry Goldwater|Goldwater]]," Stewart said. "But I think it's a mistake to focus it all on this one individual and not to focus it more on the idea that [[power]] is its own [[reward]], whether it be in the financial industry or in government. Power doesn’t ever cede itself.” <br> “We learned a lot of this in recent decades, but especially maybe the last four or five years because Donald Trump was so disruptive and so willing to challenge [[norms]], we have learned that a lot of the American system is built on the [[w:Honor system|honor system]]," Stewart said. "That only works, of course, if you care about or even have a sense of [[honor]].” ** Jon Stewart to Jake Tapper, CNN, "State of the Union", (October 17, 2021) as quoted by Craig Howie, [https://www.politico.com/news/2021/10/17/jon-stewart-risks-to-system-trump-516152 “Jon Stewart warns more risks to the political system than Trump”], ''Politico'', (10/17/2021) ===''[[w:Naked Pictures of Famous People|Naked Pictures of Famous People]]'' (1998)=== [[File:WWII_in_Europe_1939-1941-blank.svg|thumb|left|I always thought I could stop any time I wanted.]] *Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard. *Orthodox Jews, or, as they are known in the Talmud, the Really Chosen Ones, are committed to the idea that the entire Torah was dictated by God verbatim to Moses at Mount Sinai... '''Other forms of Judaism dispute this claim, although it does explain certain passages in the first Torah, such as, "I'm sorry, am I boring you?" and "What do you like better, Moses, Lord Almighty or Big Hoohah?"''' *Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair. *'''Hitler:''' ''(biting into a bagel)'' First of all, Larry, I don't know what I was so afraid of. These are delicious!!! **Adolf Hitler is interviewed by [[w:Larry King| Larry King]]. *'''Hitler:''' Look, I was a bad guy. No question. ''I'' hate that Hitler. The yelling, the finger-pointing, I don't know... I was a very angry guy.<br>'''King:''' And this... new Hitler?<br>'''Hitler:''' I get up at seven, have half a melon, do the Jumble in the morning paper and then let the day take me where it will. Some days I'll fish, maybe hit the mall for an Orange Julius. The other day I spent seven hours in the park watching ants cart off part of a sandwich. '''Me!! The inventor of the [[w:Blitzkrieg|Blitzkrieg]]'''... When you stop having to control everything, it's very freeing. *'''Hitler:''' Denial is a powerful thing... I always thought I could stop any time I wanted. "If I could just get Czechoslovakia, that'll be the end of it. I'll be happy then." '''And then I'd get it and think, well geez, Poland's just up the road a piece and... you know the rest.''' *'''Hitler:''' I'm not going to lie to you, it took a while. There were moments all along where I knew something was wrong. I remember one time... I think it was in Munich. We were having a rally. 100,000 people all chanting my name. The bonfires were going. The whole shebang. '''It should have been a crowning moment, but I clearly remember thinking, What am I doing here? I hate crowds.''' ===The Daily Show (1999-2015)=== *''[mobster impression]'' Hey! Nice nominee you got there. ''[sniff, tightens tie]'' Be a shame if something happened to him, Mr. President. Know what I mean? **[http://thedailyshow.cc.com/videos/vqslp2/doc-blockers/ ''The Daily Show'', February 21, 2013] * If comedy is tragedy plus time, I need more fucking time. But I would really settle for less fucking tragedy. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ov4nrS_TqU0 The Eric Garner Grand Jury Decision], December 4, 2014 * Maybe a more nuanced alert system could allow for more productive intervention beyond “You have ten seconds to disperse”. Or we can agree to keep ignoring the roots of how systemically, historically disenfranchised many African American communities still are, only paying attention to them when we fear their periodic, fiery ball of anger threatens to enter our airspace, and once again breathing a blissful sigh of forgetful relief when it’s another near miss. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wwy7pWvO3p0 Baltimore on Fire], April 29, 2015 * What blows my mind is the disparity of response between when we think people that are foreign are going to kill us and us killing ourselves. If this had been what we thought was Islamic terrorism, it would fit into our… We invaded two countries, and spent trillions of dollars and thousand of American lives and now fly unmanned death machines over, like, five or six different countries, all to keep Americans safe. We got to do whatever we can, we’ll torture people. We got to do whatever we can to keep Americans safe. Nine people, shot in a church, what about that? “Hey what are you gonna do? Crazy is crazy, right?” That’s the part that I cannot for the life of me wrap my head around. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjzrvRKv6Ks Charleston Church Shooting], June 19, 2015 * I heard someone on the news say, well, "tragedy has visited this church”. This wasn’t a tornado. This was a racist. This was a guy with a Rhodesia badge on his sweater. You know, I hate to even use this pun, but this one is black and white. There’s no nuance here. And we’re gonna keep pretending like “I don’t get it, what happened, there’s one guy who lost his mind”, but we are steeped in that culture in this country and we refuse to recognize it. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjzrvRKv6Ks Charleston Church Shooting], June 19, 2015 * The Confederate flag flies over South Carolina, and the roads are named for Confederate generals, and the white guy is the one who feels like his country is being taken away from him. We’re bringing it on ourselves. And that’s the thing, Al-Qaeda, all those guys, ISIS, they’re not shit compared to the damage that we can apparently do to ourselves on a regular basis. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjzrvRKv6Ks Charleston Church Shooting], June 19, 2015 === College of William & Mary Commencement Address (2004) === :<small>[http://web.wm.edu/news/archive/index.php?id=3650 College of William & Mary'' (May 20, 2004)]</small> [[File:Apollo17earth_white.jpg|thumb|right|Somewhere between the gold rush of easy internet profits and an arrogant sense of endless empire, '''we heard kind of a pinging noise, and uh, then the damn thing just died on us.''']] [[File:Dolceacqua43_-_Artista_locale_mentre_dipinge_un_acquarello.jpg|thumb|left|'''Love what you do. Get good at it.''' Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.]] * My life [is] a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabbalah center brunches with the cast of ''Friends''. At least that's what my handlers tell me. I’m actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh. * We declared war on terror—it's not even a noun, so, good luck. '''After we defeat it, I'm sure we'll take on that bastard [[w:Ennui|ennui]].''' *'''Love what you do. Get good at it.''' Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may. * Let's talk about the real world for a moment. We had been discussing it earlier, and I… I wanted to bring this up to you earlier about the real world, and this is I guess as good a time as any. '''I don’t really know to put this, so I’ll be blunt. We broke it.''' Please don’t be mad. I know we were supposed to bequeath to the next generation a world better than the one we were handed. So, sorry.<br>I don’t know if you’ve been following the news lately, but it just kinda got away from us. '''Somewhere between the gold rush of easy internet profits and an arrogant sense of endless empire, we heard kind of a pinging noise, and uh, then the damn thing just died on us.''' So I apologize. * I have not found this generation to be cynical or apathetic or selfish. They are as strong and as decent as any people that I have met. And I will say this, on my way down here I stopped at Bethesda Naval, and '''when you talk to the young kids that are there that have just been back from Iraq and Afghanistan, you don’t have the worry about the future that you hear from so many that are not a part of this generation but judging it from above.''' * And the other thing… that I will say is, when I spoke earlier about the world being broke, I was somewhat being facetious, because '''every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant.''' ===''[[w:America (The Book)|America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction]]'' (2004)=== (Co-written with [[w:Ben Karlin|Ben Karlin]], [[w:David Javerbaum|David Javerbaum]] and the writers of ''The Daily Show'') [[File:Ellis_island_1902.jpg|thumb|To the huddled masses, keep yearnin'!]] *''Dedication:'' To the huddled masses, keep yearnin'! [[File:Henry_Wade_1963_press_conference_NYWTS.jpg|thumb|right|A free and independent press is essential to the health of a functioning democracy. It serves to inform the voting public on matters relevant to its well-being.]] [[File:20061025_p102506pm-044-515h.jpg|thumb|right|Why they've stopped doing that is a mystery.]] *''1300 BC:'' God gives Ten Commandments to Israelites, making them His Chosen People and granting them eternal protection under Divine Law. '''Nothing bad ever happens to Jews again.''' *''May 3, 325:'' Rome built. *''30 AD:'' Death penalty debate heats up after controversial execution of alleged "Son of God". *Through most of colonial history, inhabitants of the 13 colonies were loyal subjects of the British crown — resourceful, dedicated and as the Third Duchess of Kent... was fond of saying, '''"Some tea-drinkin' motherfuckahs."''' In fact, whenever the subject of the New World was mentioned, the Duchess could always be counted on for a wistful head-shake and a hearty "Motherfuckahs love that motherfuckin' tea." *But on what basis should the three branches of government be divided? It came down to two dueling ideas: Madison's proposal of an executive, judicial and legislative branch, and Georgia's Joseph Morton's proposal to dole out power according to, '''"The presence, forbearance, rectictude and largeosity of one's 'Plums and Carrot'."''' After much deliberation, it was decided Madison's proposal would be accepted, Morton only relenting after the Constitutional Convention agreed to proclaim him "impressive." *By far the most revolutionary aspect of this new position [of the presidency] would be who could hold it. The short answer: just about anyone. By placing no explicit race, gender, or religious requirements on the presidency, the Founders opened the door to a true meritocracy. '''Why no women, blacks, or non-Christians have answered the founders' challenge is a mystery, though most indications point to some inherent genetic flaw.''' (William Howard Taft came closest, having what most observers agreed were boobs.) *'''If the presidency is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract.''' Its vast and convoluted inner workings may be mysterious and unpleasant, but in the end they excrete a great deal of material whose successful passage is crucial to our nation's survival. * A free and independent press is essential to the health of a functioning democracy. It serves to inform the voting public on matters relevant to its well-being. Why they've stopped doing that is a mystery. I mean, 300 camera crews outside a courthouse to see what Kobe Bryant is wearing when the judge sets his hearing date, while false information used to send our country to war goes unchecked? '''What the fuck happened?''' === Crossfire Appearance (2004) === :<small>Jon Stewart [[w:Crossfire_(TV_series)#Jon_Stewart.27s_appearance|appeared]] on [[w:Crossfire (TV series)|Crossfire]] on October 15, 2004 with hosts [[Paul Begala]] and [[Tucker Carlson]]. [http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0410/15/cf.01.html CNN's rush transcript] of Stewart's appearance from CNN's official website.</small> :<small>[http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2652831 Video of Jon Stewart's appearance on Crossfire] provided by IFILM (requires [[w:Macromedia Flash|Macromedia Flash]]).</small> [[File:Burattini_ca_1770.jpg|thumb|right|The absurdity of the system provides us the most material. And that is best served by sort of the theater of it all—which, by the way, thank you both.]] *'''Stewart:'''&nbsp;'''You have a responsibility to the public discourse, and you fail miserably.'''<br>'''Carlson:'''&nbsp;You need to get a job at a journalism school, I think.<br>'''Stewart:'''&nbsp;You need to go to one. [...]<br>'''Carlson:'''&nbsp;Wait. I thought you were going to be funny. Come on. Be funny.<br>'''Stewart:'''&nbsp;No. No. '''I'm not going to be your monkey.''' *'''Stewart:'''&nbsp;''[To Tucker Carlson]'' How old are you?<br>'''Carlson:''' Thirty-five.<br>'''Stewart:'''&nbsp;'''And you wear a bow tie'''... So this is theater... Now, listen, I'm not suggesting that you're not a smart guy, because those are not easy to tie... But the thing is that this—you're doing theater, when you should be doing debate, which would be great... '''It's not honest. What you do is not honest. What you do is partisan hackery.''' *You're on CNN. '''The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you?''' **After being accused by Carlson of not having asked [[John Kerry]] hard-hitting enough questions during an interview on ''The Daily Show''. *We look at, '''the absurdity of the system provides us the most material. And that is best served by sort of the theater of it all''', you know, which, by the way, thank you both, because it's been helpful. **In response to Paul Begala's question of which 2004 presidential candidate would provide the best comedic material if elected. *You know what's interesting, though? '''You're as big a dick on your show as you are on any show.''' **To Tucker Carlson after Carlson accused Stewart of not being as funny as he appeared on ''The Daily Show''. *They said I wasn't being funny. And I said to them, '''"I know that, but tomorrow I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow."''' ** [http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=120614&title=Your-Show-Blows/ Your Show Blows], October 18, 2004 === Stand-up performance at [[w:Rochester Institute of Technology|RIT]] (2005) === [[File:Jon Stewart MFF 2016.jpg|thumb|right|You know, I'm straight, but you've made such a convincing argument...]] *What you do for Jewish New Year is you go down to Times Square... It's a lot quieter than the regular New Year. '''It's just a few Jews walking around going, "'sup?"''' *It upset me that, five days after the hurricane hit down in New Orleans, the President's plan was for a day of prayer. I would have thought a truck of food. A day of prayer. Now, maybe I'm mistaken here and, again, I'm not a scientific expert, but isn't a hurricane officially an act of God? Isn't a day of prayer kind of redundant? '''Hasn't God already made up his mind on that sort of thing?''' So we do a day of prayer. The President has his stupid day of prayer. Three days later, Hurricane Rita hits. Somebody must have said something... something like, "is that all you got?" *Here's how bizarre the war is that we're in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn't want to go. Germany. '''The Michael Jordan of war took a pass.''' *You can always tell when Bush is in trouble. He always brings out 9/11. 9/11 is the cudgel that he waves. As far as he's concerned, it's "Open Sesame". 9/11 is his way of saying, "Okay, I'm fucking up now, but remember four years ago? That was cool." I think he thinks he can use it for anything. "9/11. '''On 9/11 we were attacked. And so, I should get to bang your wife.'''" What? "Now, there are some nay-sayers out there who think I shouldn't bang your wife, well, that's the cut-and-run crowd." *What is the fear of the "gay agenda" that has so upset people? Do people think that if gay people are given a place at the table, they'll be so convincing we'll all end up blowing them? What is the issue? "You know, I'm straight, but you've made such a convincing argument..." === The 78th Academy Awards (2006) === <small>Stewart hosted the [[w:78th Academy Awards|Academy Awards]] on March 5, 2006.<br>[http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060306/ap_en_mo/oscars_quotes;_ylt=AsVI_0qcAkPIekvk5GiCTGWs0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTA3ODdxdHBhBHNlYwM5NjQ- "Overheard During the 78th Annual Oscars"], AP (via ''Yahoo! News''). Found to be inactive on 2009-04-06.</small> * I do have some sad news to report. [[Björk]] couldn't be here tonight. '''She was trying on her Oscar dress and [[Dick Cheney]] shot her.''' * Good evening everybody, ladies, gentlemen... Felicity. * I really thought that the make-up artist for Cinderella Man should have won. '''I mean, it's so hard to make Russell Crowe look like he got in a fight.''' * If there's anyone out there involved in illegal movie piracy... don't do it. Take a good look at these people. These are the people you're stealing from. Look at them! Face what you've done! '''There are women here who can barely afford enough gown to cover their breasts.''' * Tonight is the night we celebrate excellence in film, with me, the fourth male lead from ''[[w:Death to Smoochy|Death to Smoochy]]''. Rent it. * For those of you who are keeping score at home, I just want to make something very clear: Martin Scorsese, zero Oscars. Three 6 Mafia, one. === [[w:59th Primetime Emmy Awards|The 59th Primetime Emmy Awards]] (2007) === * ''[with Stephen Colbert, after presenting the award for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series to Ricky Gervais and being informed that Gervais was not there]'' Ricky Gervais couldn't be here tonight, so instead we're going to give this to our friend Steve Carell. ** Carell, who was among the nominees who had just lost to Gervais, then ran onto the stage, where the three of them group-hugged and jumped around screaming. === Hartford Advocate Interview (2008) === <small>{{cite web |author=Bulger, Adam |title=No News is Good News |date=2008-06-12 |work=The Hartford Advocate |url=http://www.hartfordadvocate.com/article.cfm?aid=8204 |accessdate=2009-04-12 }}</small> [[File:Libr0409.jpg|thumb|right|Watching those creatures writhe will always be interesting.]] [[File:Jean_%2B_Brigitte_Soubeyran_Im_Zirkus.JPG|thumb|right|Theater doesn't make for authentic public discourse.]] *'''As a comedian, as a person, as a citizen, as a mammal—in all of those areas, I am looking forward to the end of the Bush administration with every fiber of my being.''' *'''I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda''', because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it. *If someone was to introduce hope and idealism into our political system, I think the tension that would create in other areas would certainly be ripe. '''You would think that if you bring oxygen to the organism, the organism lives. But there may be other organisms in there that thrive in darkness and in a more anaerobic environment. Watching those creatures writhe will always be interesting.''' **On whether satire would be difficult under an [[Barack Obama|Obama]] administration *I think the metric by which television is considered liberal is literally based on the metric of liberalism in each person's soul. '''Peoples' senses of humor tend to go about as far as their ideology.''' **On whether ''The Daily Show'' is liberal. *I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it's not even going to be consistent with the same person. '''People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They're not living their lives via platforms. They're living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.''' *People would like to place a standard on our show that doesn't exist. We're not set up for reporting; we don't have an apparatus for that. We're discussing things that hopefully people might get something out of, but it's wildly inconsistent. '''Just because we hit on points that resonate, or people think are real complaints—that doesn't make us journalists.''' *'''Stewart:''' The real issue is that TV news can either bring clarity or noise. And it tends to not seem to know the difference between them. … We do a show that doesn't try to bring noise. I think that we have a more consistent point of view than most news shows, I'll say that.<br>'''Bulger:'''&nbsp;What's that point of view?<br>'''Stewart:'''&nbsp;'''That theater doesn't make for authentic public discourse.''' === The Bill O'Reilly Factor Appearance (2010) === * "If [[Barack Obama|Obama]]'s a tyrant, he's a pretty tame tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they can't get [[w:cloture|cloture]]?" * "[Fox News has] taken reasonable concerns about this president and this economy and turned it into a full-fledged panic about the next coming of [[Mao Zedong|Chairman Mao]]." **Stewart on ''[[w:The O'Reilly Factor|The O'Reilly Factor]]'' ([http://crooksandliars.com/david-neiwert/what-bill-oreilly-edited-out-his-int Partial transcript]<!--please get a better source; this will do for now, I hope-->) === [[w:Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear|Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear]] closing speech (2010) === :<small>[http://www.rollingstone.com/culture/news/17389/228438 Closing speech of Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear] (30 October 2010) - [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JzGOiBXeD4 YouTube video]</small> * I can't control what people think this was. I can only tell you my intentions. This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith. Or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland or passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear. They are and we do. But '''we live now in hard times, not end times. And we can have animus and not be enemies.''' * '''The country’s 24 hour political pundit perpetual panic conflictinator did not cause our problems but its existence makes solving them that much harder. ''' The press can hold its magnifying glass up to our problems bringing them into focus, illuminating issues heretofore unseen or they can use that magnifying glass to light ants on fire and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous flaming ant epidemic.  <br> If we amplify everything we hear nothing. * There are terrorists and racists and Stalinists and theocrats, but those are titles that must be earned. You must have the resume. Not being able to distinguish between real racists and tea partiers, or real bigots and [[w:Juan Williams|Juan Williams]] and [[w:Rick Sanchez|Rick Sanchez]] is an insult — not only to those people, but to the racists themselves, who have put forth the exhausting effort it takes to hate. Just as the inability to distinguish between terrorists and Muslims makes us less safe, not more. * '''We hear every damn day about how fragile our country is — on the brink of catastrophe — torn by polarizing hate and how it’s a shame that we can’t work together to get things done, but the truth is we do.  We work together to get things done every damn day! ''' * Most Americans don't live their lives solely as Democrats or Republicans or conservatives or liberals. Most Americans live their lives that are just a little bit late for something they have to do. Often it’s something they do not want to do, but they do it. Impossible things get done every day that are only made possible by the little, reasonable compromises. * If you want to know why I’m here and what I want from you I can only assure you this: you have already given it to me. Your presence was what I wanted. Sanity will always be and has always been in the eye of the beholder. To see you here today and the kind of people that you are has restored mine. Thank you. == Quotes about Stewart == [[File:Stewart_-_USO-Metro_Merit_Awards_3.jpg|thumb|right|The Daily Show, even with Jon Stewart as host, routinely garnered fewer viewers than reruns of Family Guy on the Cartoon Network.]] *The set is a news desk, and the nice-looking man behind it seems... um, troubled. About his life, perhaps? About the news? A touch of indigestion? It's hard to tell, but it becomes clear—and quickly—that he is funny. And smart.<br>Jon Stewart presides over Comedy Central's The Daily Show, a blessed wedding of performer and format. Free of the burden of a full stand-up monologue, Stewart is able to put all his energy and wit into the news and guest spots. The word energy is almost too strong. '''Much of Stewart's humor seems to spring from an underlying terrain of world-weariness.''' [...] '''Repeat viewing of Stewart's shows reveals good things you missed the first time—smallish matters of voice shading, inflections and gestures begun but not completed.''' If you're a latecomer to his charms, you'll wish your alleged friends had demanded that you start watching a lot sooner. I'd like to see everything he has ever done. **{{cite web |author=[[Dick Cavett]] |title=Jon Stewart |publisher=Time magazine official website|date=2001-07-09 |work=Time |url=http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1000286,00.html |accessdate=2009-04-04}} *Stewart spent a couple of segments lecturing Paul Begala and me about how we were somehow “helping the politicians and the corporations,” a charge that baffled me then (I’ve never particularly liked either one), as it does now.<br>'''Unlike most guests after an uncomfortable show, Stewart didn’t flee once it was over, but lingered backstage to press his point. With the cameras off, he dropped the sarcasm and the nastiness, but not the intensity.''' I can still picture him standing outside the makeup room, gesticulating as the rest of us tried to figure out what he was talking about. It was one of the weirdest things I have ever seen.<br> Finally, I had to leave to make a dinner. Stewart shook my hand with what seemed like friendly sincerity and continued to lecture our staff. An hour later, one of my producers called me, sounding desperate. Stewart was still there, and still talking. **{{cite web |author=[[Tucker Carlson]] |title=How Jon Stewart Went Bad |publisher=The Daily Beast |date=2009-03-18 |url=http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2009-03-18/how-jon-stewart-went-bad/full/ |accessdate=2009-04-04 }} *A goal of Colbert while working as a correspondent on "The Daily Show" — one of his "greatest joys" — was whether he could make Stewart laugh in the middle of a segment. [...] "'''I knew the piece was good if he couldn't look at me when we were at the desk together'''," Colbert recalls. "We did much (fewer) green screen segments then. The highlight was when we were covering the Democratic convention in 2004, and I did a piece on Obama being the son of a goat farmer and I said I was the son of an Appalachian turd miner. Jon couldn't look at me for the entire thing." **Stephen Colbert as quoted in {{cite web |title=Jon Stewart: 10 Years of The Daily Show |publisher=Variety |date=2009-01-20 |work=Variety magazine official website |url=http://www.variety.com/article/VR1117998821.html?categoryid=3523&cs=1 |accessdate=2009-04-04 }} *"After coming back to the show, '''I was shocked at how much thought and distillation he personally puts into the script'''," ''[Stephen Colbert]'' says, "that care and unbelievable work ethic, and ability to consume information, digest and distill a story. '''He's telling us that this is the mechanics of the human interaction, and this is the actual message of the story.'''"<br>'''Colbert says Stewart's intelligence (the host can read books and script pages at lightning speed) can't be overstated''', and that the show's mojo comes from stories Stewart brings to light that the traditional media fail to report.<br>"He's naming what seems most ridiculous about the news, which is the personalities and the news itself," Colbert says. "It's only the overt game that's being reported." **Stephen Colbert as quoted in {{cite web |title=Jon Stewart: 10 Years of The Daily Show |publisher=Variety |date=2009-01-20 |work=Variety magazine official website |url=http://www.variety.com/article/VR1117998821.html?categoryid=3523&cs=1 |accessdate=2009-04-04 }} *'''Now back to business as usual.''' **Jim Cramer during the opening of the [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtD9egNyxM8 first episode of ''Mad Money''] (2009-03-13) after his interview with Jon Stewart on ''The Daily Show.'' *'''My boss is like, if you took Willy Wonka, and mixed him with Hitler.''' He's got like — he's crazy like Willie Wonka and he's psycho like Hitler. But he doesn't have a mustache. ** {{cite web |author=[[Ed Helms]] |title="American Resolutions: A Series of Human Interest Stories Used to Emotionally Manipulate You" |publisher=The Daily Show official website |date=2005-01-25 |work=The Daily Show |url=http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=114079&title=american-resolutions-job-hunting |accessdate=2009-03-29 }} *Has your boss ever poured scalding hot Celestial Seasonings Lemon Zinger on to your arm? It doesn't just burn, OK? It's also citrus, and the citrus stings. And then he filled the pockets of my jacket with cockroaches. '''I work for a child.''' ** Ed Helms, ''The Daily Show'': "American Resolutions: A Series of Human Interest Stories Used to Emotionally Manipulate You" * Judging solely by the amount of media attention it got, you'd think ''The Daily Show'', when the vaunted Jon Stewart was host, was the most-watched show of the 21st Century. You'd be wrong. It rarely made the top 100 rated shows of the week. Yes, you heard that right. '''''The Daily Show'', even with Jon Stewart as host, routinely garnered fewer viewers than reruns of ''[[Family Guy]]'' on the Cartoon Network.''' Yet when Stuart spoke, the media listened, even though the people didn't. ** Derek Hunter, ''Outrage, Inc.: How the Liberal Mob Ruined Science, Journalism, and Hollywood'' (2018, Harper Collins) *[[Stephen Colbert]] says that for all of Jon Stewart's acumen when it comes to politics and comedic timing, "The Daily Show" host and managing editor has no problem going lowbrow.<br>'''"He knows when to break the glass, if necessary,"''' Colbert reasons. **{{cite web |author=Levine, Stuart |title=Jon Stewart: 10 Years of The Daily Show |publisher=Variety |date=2009-01-20 |work=Variety magazine official website |url=http://www.variety.com/article/VR1117998821.html?categoryid=3523&cs=1 |accessdate=2009-04-04 }} *And that is your tragedy, Jon. ''[imitating Stewart and affecting falsetto]'' '''Look at me! I'm a sad clown!''' I hate you! I need you! I hate you! I need you! '''I don't want you, but I need constant attention and reinforcement from you laughter!''' ** John Oliver, ''The Daily Show'': "81st Academy Awards" *In November, America elected a black man president after two disastrous terms of George W. Bush. Race was transcended. People were so angry that they tossed aside centuries-old prejudices. [...] Last night, America witnessed a non-comedian hosting the Oscars after two calamitous stints by you, '''Jon Stewart: The George W. Bush of Comedy.''' Jon, you angered the world ''so much'' they were willing to completely redefine their concept of what an Oscars host should be. And like a phoenix from the ashes of the two ''massive'' turds you laid on that stage, rose Hugh Jackman. **{{cite web |author=John Oliver |title="81st Academy Awards" |publisher=The Daily Show official website |date=2009-02-23 |work=The Daily Show |url=http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=218390&title=81st-academy-awards |accessdate=2009-03-29 }} * '''I think Stewart’s show demonstrated the decline and vacuity of contemporary comedy.''' I cannot stand that smug, snarky, superior tone. I hated the fact that young people were getting their news through that filter of sophomoric snark… I find nothing incisive in his work. As for his influence, if he helped produce the hackneyed polarisation of moral liberals versus evil conservatives, then he’s partly at fault for the political stalemate in the United States. ** [[Camille Paglia]], as quoted by Luke Morgan Britan, "[http://www.nme.com/blogs/nme-blogs/before-calling-taylor-swift-a-nazi-barbie-camille-paglia-laid-into-plenty-of-other-celebrities-765347#SFT3Db4CgkKHb7QH.99 Before Calling Taylor Swift A ‘Nazi Barbie’, Camille Paglia Laid Into Plenty Of Other Celebrities]", NME.com, Dec 11, 2015; retrieved 15 September 2017 *Before Mr. Stewart, we didn’t expect much from nightly political humor. Late-night monologues were at best funny diversions, at worst toothless jabs pandering to the easiest stereotypes. ... The Daily Show didn’t just offer insightful, cutting analysis, clever parody and often hard-hitting interviews with major newsmakers. For an entire generation, it became the news, except this report could withstand the disruption of the Internet far better than the old media. If anything, the web only made The Daily Show, with its short segments, more essential. Every time a political scandal exploded or a candidate made headlines or a cable fight went viral, the first thought for many viewers was: '''I can’t wait to see what Jon Stewart will say about this'''. ** {{cite web |author=Jason Zinoman|title=A Late-Night Host Seamlessly Mixing Analysis, Politics and Humor|publisher=''NYT'' official website|date=2015-02-15|work=The New York Times |url=http://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/11/arts/television/jon-stewart-seamlessly-mixing-analysis-politics-and-humor.html?|accessdate=2015-06-09}} == External links == {{wikipedia}} *[http://www.comedycentral.com/shows/the_daily_show/index.jhtml Comedy Central: The Daily Show] {{DEFAULTSORT:Stewart, Jon}} [[Category:People from New York City]] [[Category:People from New Jersey]] [[Category:Actors from the United States]] [[Category:Television personalities]] [[Category:1962 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Comedians from the United States]] [[Category:American Jews]] [[Category:Film directors from the United States]] [[Category:Primetime Emmy Award winners]] 9x0nuiyprwpbhse3f5ci7twwtamg13e 0 4620 3157944 3144273 2022-08-25T21:20:45Z Kalki 71 /* 1990s */ removing dead link wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Official portrait of Barack Obama.jpg|thumb|When we have faced down impossible odds; when we've been told that we're not ready, or that we shouldn't try, or that we can't, generations of Americans have responded with a simple creed that sums up the spirit of a people: ''Yes, we can.'']] '''[[w:Barack Obama|Barack Hussein Obama II]]''' (born [[August 4]], [[1961]]) is an American [[w:politician|politician]] who [[w:Illinois Senate career of Barack Obama|represented the 13th district for three terms]] in the [[w:Illinois Senate|Illinois Senate]] from 1997 to 2004, served as United States senator from Illinois between January 4, 2005 and November 16, 2008 and served as the [[w:List of presidents of the United States|44th]] [[w:President of the United States|president]] of the [[United States|United States of America]] from 2009 to 2017. Born in Hawaii, the son of a Kenyan father and a mother from Kansas, the former United States senator from Illinois won the [[w:United States presidential election, 2008|2008 presidential election]] to become the first mulatto U.S. president. The inauguration of Barack Obama as President of the United States took place on [[January 20|January&nbsp;20]], [[2009]]. In October 2009 he was announced to be the recipient of the 2009 [[w:Nobel Peace Prize|Nobel Peace Prize]]. He was [[w:United States presidential election, 2012|re-elected president]] in November 2012, and was sworn in for his second and last term on January&nbsp;20, 2013, which expired on January 20, 2017. He is a member of the [[Democratic Party (United States)|U.S. Democratic Party]]. :'''''See also his books:''''' ::'''''[[Dreams from My Father]] (1995)''''' ::'''''[[The Audacity of Hope]] (2006)''''' ::'''''[[Barack_Obama#A_Promised_Land_(2020)|A Promised Land]] (2020)''''' == Quotes == [[File:President Barack Obama.jpg|thumb|Hopefully, more and more people will begin to feel their story is somehow part of this larger story of how we're going to reshape America in a way that is less mean-spirited and more generous.]] [[File:Obama in Altoona PA.jpg|thumb|I feel good when I'm engaged in what I think are the core issues of the society, and those core issues to me are what's happening to poor folks in this society.]] === 1980s === * I'm deeply saddened by a sense that whites are still superior in this country, in some sense, that if you sit at a restaurant, they're served before a Kenyan is served. If you go through customs, a white person is going to follow orders that "all people are to be treated the same". .. ** Said during a visit to Kenya in the late 1980s or early 1990s, recorded in the 20-minute documentary "A Journey In Black And White" by WeSearchr, as reported and quoted in [http://dailycaller.com/2016/09/19/documentary-of-young-obamas-visit-to-kenya-is-set-to-be-released/ "Documentary Of Young Obama’s Visit To Kenya Is Set To Be Released"] by Alex Pfeiffer, ''The Daily Caller'' (19 September 2016) === 1990s === ; 1990 * Hopefully, more and more people will begin to feel their story is somehow part of this larger story of how we're going to reshape America in a way that is less mean-spirited and more generous. ** on sexism and [[racism]], in {{citation | date = 1990-05-03 | title = Harvard Student Tackles Racism At Core | newspaper = Illinois Daily Herald | first = Allison J. | last = Pugh | section = Section 3, Page 2 }} ** quoted in {{citation | date = 2012-03-18 | title = Rachel Maddow Asks Why Both Presidents George Bush ‘Hate America’ Like Barack Obama | first = Tommy | last = Christopher | periodical = Mediaite | url = http://www.mediaite.com/tv/rachel-maddow-asks-why-both-presidents-george-bush-hate-america-like-barack-obama/ | accessdate = 2012-03-20 }} * I'm not interested in the suburbs. The suburbs bore me. And I'm not interested in isolating myself. I feel good when I'm engaged in what I think are the core issues of the society, and those core issues to me are what's happening to poor folks in this society. ** Informing the interviewer that he wasn't interested in merely being a financial success and moving to the suburbs, in "No Cushy Post for this Pioneer Harvard Law Review Chief Plans to Work in Inner City", by Allison J Pugh in ''The Akron Beacon-Journal'' (19 April 1990) * It's crucial that people don't see my election as somehow a symbol of progress in the broader sense, that we don't sort of point to (me) any more than you point to a [[Bill Cosby]] or a [[Michael Jordan]] and say, "Well, things are hunky-dory." There's certainly racism here. Professors may treat black students differently, sometimes by being, sort of, more dismissive, sometimes by being more, sort of, careful because they think, you know, they think that somehow we can't cope in the classroom. ** On his election to be the first black president of the ''Harvard Law Review'', as quoted in "No Cushy Post for this Pioneer Harvard Law Review Chief Plans to Work in Inner City", by Allison J Pugh in ''The Akron Beacon-Journal'' (19 April 1990) ;1991 * [Americans have] a continuing normative commitment to the ideals of individual freedom and mobility, values that extend far beyond the issue of race in the American mind. The depth of this commitment may be summarily dismissed as the unfounded optimism of the average American—'''I may not be [[Donald Trump]] now, but just you wait; if I don't make it, my children will.''' ** "Race and Rights Rhetoric", a law school paper, as quoted in ''Rising Star: The Making of Barack Obama'' (2017) by David Garrow, and reported in [https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/young-obama-said-the-american-dream-is-to-be-donald-trump "Young Obama Said the American Dream Is to Be Donald Trump", ''Vice'' (12 May 2017)] ; 1996 * [[Bob Dole]] seems to me to be a classic example of somebody who had no reason to run. You're 73 years old, you're already the third-most-powerful man in the country. So why? He seems to be drawn by some psychological compulsion. And it's too bad because in a lot of ways, he's an admirable person. There's a great story there. And [[Bill Clinton]]? Well, his campaign's fascinating to a student of politics. It's disturbing to someone who cares about certain issues. But politically, it seems to be working. ** As quoted in "A Newcomer to the Business of Politics has Seen Enough to Reach Some Conclusions About Restoring Voters' Trust", by Joe Frolik, in''[[w:The Plain Dealer (newspaper)|The Plain Dealer]]'' (3 August 1996) * You got these $10,000-a-plate dinners and Golden Circles Clubs. I think when the average voter looks at that, they rightly feel they're locked out of the process. They can't attend a $10,000 breakfast and they know that those who can are going to get the kind of access they can't imagine. ** As quoted in "A Newcomer to the Business of Politics has Seen Enough to Reach Some Conclusions About Restoring Voters' Trust", by Joe Frolik, in''[[w:The Plain Dealer (newspaper)|The Plain Dealer]]'' (3 August 1996) ; 1998 * I think the trick is figuring out how do we structure government systems that pool resources and hence facilitate some redistribution because I actually believe in redistribution — at least at a certain level to make sure that everybody's got a shot. ** Loyola University conference, {{#formatdate:1998-10-19}}, quoted in {{citation | date = 2012-09-18 | url = http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ge3aGJfDSg4 | title = Obama In 1998: "I Actually Believe In Redistribution" | periodical = YouTube | author = nick cruz }} === 2000-03 === ;2000 * Throughout its history, Israel has been anxious to make peace with its Arab neighbors. If successful, the current peace process is a potential opportunity for Israel to increase its security, normalize relations with its neighbors, and create a more stable and prosperous Middle East. Resolution of the conflict depends on direct [[negotiations]] between the parties based on mutual respect and recognition. The United States’ commitment to Israel must continue so Israel can negotiate with its former and current adversaries from a position of strength... Israel can take risks for peace only because of unwavering American support. ** [http://www.democrats.org/page/speakout/unfit CityPAC Questionnaire, 2000 Congressional Primary] ;2002 [[File:A soldier from the Army's 82nd Airborne Division with a dead insurgent's hand on his shoulder.jpg|thumb|We may have occasion in our lifetime to once again rise up in defense of our freedom, and pay the wages of [[war]].]] [[File:Barack Obama 2008 Iraq 1.jpg|thumb|I don’t oppose all wars. What I am opposed to is a dumb war. What I am opposed to is a rash war.]] * I don't oppose all wars. What I am opposed to is a dumb war. What I am opposed to is a rash war. What I am opposed to is the cynical attempt by [[Richard Perle]] and [[Paul Wolfowitz]] and other armchair, weekend warriors in this administration to shove their own ideological agendas down our throats, irrespective of the costs in lives lost and in hardships borne. What I am opposed to is the attempt by political hacks like [[Karl Rove]] to distract us from a rise in the uninsured, a rise in the poverty rate, a drop in the median income, to distract us from corporate scandals and a stock market that has just gone through the worst month since the Great Depression. That’s what I’m opposed to. A dumb war. A rash war. A war based not on reason but on passion, not on principle but on politics. ** [http://action.barackobama.com/page/share/2002iraqfull Remarks of Illinois State Sen. Barack Obama Against Going to War with Iraq (2 October 2002)]; referencing the positions of former Pentagon policy adviser [[Richard Perle]], Deputy Defense Secretary [[Paul Wolfowitz]], and chief Bush political adviser [[Karl Rove]]. * Now let me be clear: I suffer no illusions about [[Saddam Hussein]]. He is a brutal man. A ruthless man. A man who butchers his own people to secure his own power.… The world, and the Iraqi people, would be better off without him. But I also know that Saddam poses no imminent and direct threat to the United States, or to his neighbors…and that in concert with the international community he can be contained until, in the way of all petty dictators, he falls away into the dustbin of history. ** Remarks Against Going to War with Iraq (2 October 2002). *We may have occasion in our lifetime to once again rise up in defense of our freedom, and pay the wages of [[war]]. ** [http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mheaney/Partisan_Dynamics_of_Contention.pdf Remarks Against Going to War with Iraq] (2 October 2002). ;2003 * I'm proud of the fact that I stood up early and unequivocally in opposition to [[George W. Bush|Bush]]'s foreign policy. That opposition hasn't changed. ** [http://www.blackcommentator.com/47/47_cover.html Letter to ''The Black Commentator''] (19 June 2003). === 2004 === [[File:Barackobamaspeaks3.jpg|thumb|A good compromise, a good piece of legislation, is like a good sentence; or a good piece of music. Everybody can recognize it. They say, "Huh. It works. It makes sense."]] [[File:September 14 2001 Ground Zero 04.jpg|thumb|My powers of empathy, my ability to reach into another's heart, cannot penetrate the blank stares of those who would murder innocents with abstract, serene satisfaction.]] * I opposed DOMA in 1996. It should be repealed and I will vote for its repeal on the Senate floor. I will also oppose any proposal to amend the U.S. Constitution to ban gays and lesbians from marrying. …I know how important the issue of equal rights is to the LGBT community. I share your sense of urgency. If I am elected U.S. Senator, you can be confident that my colleagues in the Senate and the President will know my position. ** On the [[w:Defense of Marriage Act|Defense of Marriage Act]], [http://www.wctimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=4018 ''Windy City Times'' (11 February 2004)] * A good compromise, a good piece of legislation, is like a good sentence; or a good piece of music. Everybody can recognize it. They say, "Huh. It works. It makes sense." ** [https://archive.is/20120909155716/www.newyorker.com/fact/content/?040531fa_fact1 "The Candidate" in ''The New Yorker'' (31 May 2004)] * Where the stakes are the highest, in the war on terror, we cannot possibly succeed without extraordinary international cooperation. Effective international police actions require the highest degree of intelligence sharing, planning and collaborative enforcement. ** Speech to the Chicago Council on Foreign Relations (12 July 2004) * The [Bush] Administration's failure to be consistently involved in helping Israel achieve peace with the Palestinians has been both wrong for our friendship with Israel, as well as badly damaging to our standing in the Arab world. I do not pretend to have all the answers to this vexing problem, and untangling the issues involved is an appropriate topic for a separate speech. What I can say is this: not only must we be consistent, but we will not succeed unless we have the cooperation of the European Union and the Arab States in pressing for reforms within the Palestinian community. ** Speech to the Chicago Council on Foreign Relations (12 July 2004) * Operations in Iraq and Afghanistan and the war on terrorism have reduced the pace of military transformation and have revealed our lack of preparation for defensive and stability operations. This Administration has overextended our military. ** Speech to the Chicago Council on Foreign Relations (12 July 2004) * On Iraq, on paper, there's not as much difference, I think, between the Bush administration and a Kerry administration as there would have been a year ago. There's not much of a difference between my position and George Bush's position at this stage. ** "Obama's a Star Who Doesn't Follow the Script" by John Kass in The Chicago Tribune (27 July 2004) * That's silly talk... Talk to my wife. She'll tell me I need to learn to just put my socks on the hamper. ** [http://www.nationalreview.com/geraghty/geraghty200407270212.asp "Barack the Blessed" by Jim Geraghty in ''National Review'' (27 July 2004)] quoting Obama on his Presidential aspirations as stated on ''Meet the Press'' the previous Sunday. * You know, my faith is one that admits some doubt. ** ABC's ''This Week With [[George Stephanopoulos]]'' (15 August 2004) * And then, on [[September 11 attacks|September 11, 2001]], the world fractured. It's beyond my skill as a writer to capture that day, and the days that would follow — the planes, like specters, vanishing into steel and glass; the slow-motion cascade of the towers crumbling into themselves; the ash-covered figures wandering the streets; the anguish and the fear. Nor do I pretend to understand the stark nihilism that drove the terrorists that day and that drives their brethren still. My powers of empathy, my ability to reach into another's heart, cannot penetrate the blank stares of those who would murder innocents with abstract, serene satisfaction. ** Preface to the 2004 edition of ''[[w:Dreams from My Father|Dreams from My Father]]'', p. x * No one is pro-abortion. ** Speech at Benedictine University (5 October 2004) * Our first and immutable commitment must be to the security of Israel, our only true ally in the Middle East and the only democracy, ** [http://www.democrats.org/page/speakout/unfit Chicago Daily Herald (18 October 2004)] * There are some who might say that somebody named Barack Obama can’t be elected senator in the state of Illinois. They’re probably the same folks who said that a guy named [[Rod Blagojevich]] couldn’t be elected governor of the state of Illinois. ** On a campaign trail. [http://www.chicagomag.com/Chicago-Magazine/June-2009/Chicago-Straight/index.php?cparticle=2&siarticle=1#artanc] * I'm [[w:LeBron James|LeBron]], baby. I can play on this level. I got some game. ** quoted by [[w:David Mendell|David Mendell]].[http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2007/06/25/obama-im-lebron-baby-i-ca_n_53563.html] ==== [[w:2004 Democratic National Convention keynote address|Democratic National Convention speech]] (July 2004) ==== :<small>[http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A19751-2004Jul27.html Speech at the Democratic National Convention] (27 July 2004)</small> [[File:ObamaSouthCarolina.jpg|thumb|That is the true genius of America—a faith in simple dreams, an insistence on small miracles.]] [[File:Barack Obama 2004.jpg|thumb|There is not a liberal America and a conservative America — there is the United States of America. There is not a Black America and a White America and Latino America and Asian America — there's the United States of America.]] * My parents shared not only an improbable love, they shared an abiding faith in the possibilities of this nation. They would give me an African name, Barack, or blessed, believing that in a tolerant America your name is no barrier to success. They imagined me going to the best schools in the land, even though they weren't rich, because in a generous America you don't have to be rich to achieve your [[potential]]. * Tonight, we gather to affirm the greatness of our nation—not because of the height of our skyscrapers, or the power of our military, or the size of our economy. Our pride is based on a very simple premise, summed up in a [[United States Declaration of Independence|declaration made over two hundred years ago]]: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." That is the true genius of America—a faith in simple dreams, an insistence on small miracles. * When we send our young men and women into harm's way, we have a solemn obligation not to fudge the numbers or shade the truth about why they're going, to care for their families while they're gone, to tend to the soldiers upon their return, and to never ever go to war without enough troops to win the war, secure the peace, and earn the respect of the world. * There are patriots who opposed the war in Iraq and there are patriots who supported the war in Iraq. We are one people, all of us pledging allegiance to the stars and stripes, all of us defending the United States of America. * '''There is not a liberal America and a conservative America — there is the United States of America. There is not a Black America and a White America and Latino America and Asian America — there's the United States of America.''' * That is the true genius of America, a faith in the simple dreams of its people, the insistence on small miracles. That we can say what we think, write what we think, without hearing a sudden knock on the door. That we can have an idea and start our own business without paying a bribe or hearing a sudden knock on the door. That we can participate in the political process without fear of retribution, and that our votes will be counted — or at least, most of the time. * In the end, that's what this election is about. Do we participate in a politics of cynicism or a politics of hope? I'm not talking about blind optimism here... No, I'm talking about something more substantial. It's the hope of slaves sitting around a fire singing freedom songs; the hope of immigrants setting out for distant shores; the hope of a young naval lieutenant bravely patrolling the Mekong Delta; the hope of a millworker's son who dares to defy the odds; the hope of a skinny kid with a funny name who believes that America has a place for him, too. '''Hope in the face of difficulty, hope in the face of uncertainty, the audacity of hope: In the end, that is God's greatest gift to us, the bedrock of this nation, a belief in things not seen, a belief that there are better days ahead.''' * We worship an awesome God in the Blue States, and we don't like federal agents poking around our libraries in the Red States. We coach Little League in the Blue States and have gay friends in the Red States. * John Kerry believes in an America where hard work is rewarded. === 2005 === [[File:BarackObamaportrait.jpg|thumb|Focusing your life solely on making a buck shows a certain poverty of ambition. It asks too little of yourself. … Because it’s only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you realize your true potential.]] * Today, on this day of possibility, we stand in the shadow of a lanky, raw-boned man with little formal education who once took the stage at Old Main and told the nation that if anyone did not believe the American principles of freedom and equality, that those principles were timeless and all-inclusive, they should go rip that page out of the [[United States Declaration of Independence|Declaration of Independence]]. ** [http://www.knox.edu/x9803.xml Knox College Commencement Address (4 June 2005)] * How does America find its way in this new, global economy? What will our place in history be? Like so much of the American story, once again, we face a choice. Once again, there are those who believe that there isn’t much we can do about this as a nation. That the best idea is to give everyone one big refund on their government—divvy it up by individual portions, in the form of tax breaks, hand it out, and encourage everyone to use their share to go buy their own health care, their own retirement plan, their own child care, their own education, and so on. In Washington, they call this the Ownership Society. But in our past there has been another term for it—Social Darwinism—every man or woman for him or herself. It’s a tempting idea, because it doesn’t require much thought or ingenuity. It allows us to say that those whose health care or tuition may rise faster than they can afford—tough luck. It allows us to say to the Maytag workers who have lost their job—life isn’t fair. It let’s us say to the child who was born into poverty—pull yourself up by your bootstraps. And it is especially tempting because each of us believes we will always be the winner in life’s lottery, that we’re the one who will be the next Donald Trump, or at least we won’t be the chump who Donald Trump says: “You’re fired!” But there is a problem. It won’t work. It ignores our history. It ignores the fact that it’s been government research and investment that made the railways possible and the internet possible. It’s been the creation of a massive middle class, through decent wages and benefits and public schools that allowed us all to prosper. Our economic dependence depended on individual initiative. It depended on a belief in the free market; but it has also depended on our sense of mutual regard for each other, the idea that everybody has a stake in the country, that we’re all in it together and everybody’s got a shot at opportunity. That’s what’s produced our unrivaled political stability. ** Knox College Commencement Address (4 June 2005) * Focusing your life solely on making a buck shows a certain poverty of ambition. It asks too little of yourself. … Because it’s only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you realize your true potential. ** Knox College Commencement Address (4 June 2005) * When we think of the major threats to our national security, the first to come to mind are nuclear proliferation, rogue states and global terrorism. But another kind of threat lurks beyond our shores, one from nature, not humans — an avian flu pandemic. ** [http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/06/opinion/06obama.html?ex=1275710400&en=69f51e47097d5dd9&ei=5090&partner=rssuserland&emc=rss ''New York Times'' op-ed "Grounding a Pandemic" (6 June 2005)] by Barack Obama and [[w:Richard Lugar|Richard Lugar]] * I cannot swallow whole the view of [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] as the Great Emancipator. ** "Uncovering the Real Abe Lincoln: What I See in Lincoln's Eyes" ''[[w:Time (magazine)|Time]]'' magazine (26 June 2005) === 2006 === [[File:Michelle Obama 2008-10-22 (1).jpg|thumb|Michelle will tell you that when we get together for Christmas or Thanksgiving, it's like a little mini-United Nations...]] [[File:Martin Luther King - March on Washington.jpg|thumb|Through words he gave voice to the voiceless. Through deeds he gave courage to the faint of heart.]] [[File:Sasha and Malia Obama prepare for school.jpg|thumb|He pointed the way for us — a land no longer torn asunder with racial hatred and ethnic strife … a land in which all of God's children might come together in a spirit of brotherhood.]] [[File:Barack obama houston.JPG|thumb|Throughout American history, there have been moments that call on us to meet the challenges of an uncertain world, and pay whatever price is required to secure our freedom.]] *I have never seen anyone burn a flag. And if I did, it would take every ounce of restraint I had not to haul off and hit them. **Voting against a Flag Desecration Amendment (2006), as quoted in [http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB122835767216478251 "The Constitution, Designed to Change, Rarely Does"] (4 December 2008), by Jennifer S. Forsyth, ''The Wall Street Journal'' * The fact that we are here today to debate raising America's debt limit is a sign of leadership failure. Washington is shifting the burden of bad choices today onto the backs of our children and grandchildren. America has a debt problem and a failure of leadership. Americans deserve better. ** Speech on the floor of the US Senate in which he opposed raising the US debt limit. (16 March 2006) * The American people are a welcoming and generous people. But those who enter our country illegally, and those who employ them, disrespect the rule of law. And because we live in an age where terrorists are challenging our borders, '''we cannot allow people to pour into the United States undetected, undocumented, and unchecked. Americans are right to demand better border security and better enforcement of the immigration laws.''' ** Speech on the floor of the US Senate (3 April 2006). [https://www.c-span.org/video/?c4652652/obama-fence-statement "Obama Fence Statement"], starting at about 2:05. * Moreover, given the increasing diversity of America's population, the dangers of sectarianism have never been greater. '''Whatever we once were, we are no longer a Christian nation — at least, not ''just''; we are also a Jewish nation, a Muslim nation, a Buddhist nation, a Hindu nation, and a nation of nonbelievers.''' And even if we did have only Christians in our midst, if we expelled every non-Christian from the United States of America, whose Christianity would we teach in the schools? Would we go with [[James Dobson]]'s, or [[Al Sharpton]]'s? Which passages of Scripture should guide our public policy? Should we go with Leviticus, which suggests slavery is ok and that eating shellfish is abomination? How about Deuteronomy, which suggests stoning your child if he strays from the faith? Or should we just stick to the Sermon on the Mount - a passage that is so radical that it's doubtful that our own Defense Department would survive its application? So before we get carried away, let's read our bibles. Folks haven't been reading their bibles. ** [http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/28/us/politics/2006obamaspeech.html Keynote speech: ''Call to Renewal's Building a Covenant for a New America conference'' - Washington, D.C., June 2006.] ** Partially quoted out of context as "Whatever we once were, we are no longer a Christian nation." in a Focus on the Family political mailer, reproduced in {{citation | date = 2012-10-31 | title = Anti-Obama mail piece: ‘We are no longer a Christian nation’ | first = Peter | last = Hamby | periodical = CNN | url = http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2012/10/31/anti-obama-mail-piece-we-are-no-longer-a-christian-nation/}} * Michelle will tell you that when we get together for Christmas or Thanksgiving, it's like a little mini-United Nations... I've got relatives who look like [[w:Bernie Mac|Bernie Mac]], and I've got relatives who look like [[Margaret Thatcher]]... We've got it all. ** [http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/oprahshow/oprahshow1_ss_20061018/10 "Keeping Hope Alive"], ''The Oprah Winfrey Show'' (18 October 2006) * When I was a kid, I inhaled. Frequently. That was the point. ** Meeting of the American Society of Magazine Editors (Oct. 2006) — [http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0312/74186.html "10 politicians puffing about pot"] by M. J. Lee, ''POLITICO'' (19 March 2012) * And at some point, I know that one of my daughters will ask, perhaps my youngest, will ask, "Daddy, why is this monument here? What did this man do?" How might I answer them? Unlike the others commemorated in this place, Dr. [[Martin Luther King Jr.]] was not a president of the United States — at no time in his life did he hold public office. He was not a hero of foreign wars. He never had much money, and while he lived he was reviled at least as much as he was celebrated. By his own accounts, he was a man frequently racked with doubt, a man not without flaws, a man who, like [[Moses]] before him, more than once questioned why he had been chosen for so arduous a task — the task of leading a people to freedom, the task of healing the festering wounds of a nation's original sin. And yet lead a nation he did. Through words he gave voice to the voiceless. Through deeds he gave courage to the faint of heart. By dint of vision, and determination, and most of all faith in the redeeming power of love, he endured the humiliation of arrest, the loneliness of a prison cell, the constant threats to his life, until he finally inspired a nation to transform itself, and begin to live up to the meaning of its creed. <br> Like Moses before him, he would never live to see the Promised Land. But from the mountain top, he pointed the way for us — a land no longer torn asunder with racial hatred and ethnic strife, a land that measured itself by how it treats the least of these, a land in which strength is defined not simply by the capacity to wage war but by the determination to forge peace — a land in which all of God's children might come together in a spirit of brotherhood. <br> We have not yet arrived at this longed for place. For all the progress we have made, there are times when the land of our dreams recedes from us — when we are lost, wandering spirits, content with our suspicions and our angers, our long-held grudges and petty disputes, our frantic diversions and tribal allegiances. And yet, by erecting this monument, we are reminded that this different, better place beckons us, and that we will find it not across distant hills or within some hidden valley, but rather we will find it somewhere in our hearts. ** Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. National Memorial Groundbreaking Ceremony (13 November 2006) * Throughout American history, there have been moments that call on us to meet the challenges of an uncertain world, and pay whatever price is required to secure our freedom. They are the soul-trying times our forbearers spoke of, when the ease of complacency and self-interest must give way to the more difficult task of rendering judgment on what is best for the nation and for posterity, and then acting on that judgment — making the hard choices and sacrifices necessary to uphold our most deeply held values and ideals. This was true for those who went to Lexington and Concord. It was true for those who lie buried at Gettysburg. It was true for those who built democracy’s arsenal to vanquish fascism, and who then built a series of alliances and a world order that would ultimately defeat communism. And this has been true for those of us who looked on the rubble and ashes of 9/11, and made a solemn pledge that such an atrocity would never again happen on United States soil; that we would do whatever it took to hunt down those responsible, and use every tool at our disposal – diplomatic, economic, and military — to root out both the agents of terrorism and the conditions that helped breed it. ** "A Way Forward in Iraq", Remarks to the Chicago Council on Global Affairs (20 November 2006) * We cannot afford to be a country of isolationists right now. 9/11 showed us that try as we might to ignore the rest of the world, our enemies will no longer ignore us. And so we need to maintain a strong foreign policy, relentless in pursuing our enemies and hopeful in promoting our values around the world. But to guard against isolationist sentiments in this country, we must change conditions in Iraq and the policy that has characterized our time there – a policy based on blind hope and ideology instead of fact and reality. <br> Americans called for this more serious policy a few Tuesdays ago. It’s time that we listen to their concerns and win back their trust. I spoke here a year ago and delivered a message about Iraq that was similar to the one I did today. I refuse to accept the possibility that I will have to come back a year from now and say the same thing. There have been too many speeches. There have been too many excuses. There have been too many flag-draped coffins, and there have been too many heartbroken families. The time for waiting in Iraq is over. It is time to change our policy. It is time to give Iraqis their country back. And it is time to refocus America’s efforts on the wider struggle yet to be won. ** "A Way Forward in Iraq", Remarks to the Chicago Council on Global Affairs (20 November 2006) * Evolution is more grounded in my experience than angels. ** [http://www.mediabistro.com/fishbowlny/magazines/barack_obama_i_inhaled_that_was_the_point_46068.asp Interview by David Remnick at the American Magazine Conference (23 October 2006)] * Most of all, I want to thank you for all the generous advance coverage you've given me in anticipation of a successful career. When I actually do something, we'll let you know. ** Speech to reporters, 2006 [[w:Gridiron Dinner|Gridiron Dinner]]. [http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/politics/obama/chi-obama_senate_recordjun12-archive,0,3195588.story] === 2007 === [[File:Obamafamily.jpg|thumb|I've been struck by how hungry we all are for a different kind of politics. So I've spent some time thinking about how I could best advance the cause of change and progress that we so desperately need.]] [[File:Hartfordobama.jpg|thumb|I know that I haven't spent a lot of time learning the ways of Washington, but I've been there long enough to know that the ways of Washington must change. People who love their country can change it.]] [[File:Barack Obama 2008 Iraq 3.jpg|thumb|It is time for us to fundamentally change our policy. It is time to give Iraqis their country back. And it is time to refocus America's efforts on the challenges we face at home and the wider struggle against terror yet to be won.]] * I certainly didn't expect to find myself in this position a year ago. I've been struck by how hungry we all are for a different kind of politics. So I've spent some time thinking about how I could best advance the cause of change and progress that we so desperately need...The decisions that have been made in Washington these past six years, and the problems that have been ignored, have put our country in a precarious place. America's faced big problems before. But today, our leaders in Washington seem incapable of working together in a practical, commonsense way. Politics has become so bitter and partisan, so gummed up by money and influence, that we can't tackle the big problems that demand solutions. ** [http://www.barackobama.com/video/from_barack_transcript/ In a video posting, announcing his candidacy for President of the United States (16 January 2007)] * There are countless reasons the American people have lost confidence in the President's Iraq policy, but chief among them has been the administration's insistence on making promises and assurances about progress and victory that do not appear to be grounded in the reality of the facts. We have been told we would be greeted as liberators. We have been promised the insurgency was in its last throes. We have been assured again and again that we are making progress and that the Iraqis would soon stand up so we could stand down and our brave sons and daughters could start coming home. We have been asked to wait, we have been asked to be patient, and we have been asked to give the President and the new Iraqi Government 6 more months, and then 6 more months after that, and then 6 more months after that. ** Floor Statement on President's Decision to Increase Troops in Iraq (19 January 2007) * I have been a consistent and strong opponent of this war. I have also tried to act responsibly in that opposition to ensure that, having made the decision to go into Iraq, we provide our troops, who perform valiantly, the support they need to complete their mission. I have also stated publicly that I think we have both strategic interests and humanitarian responsibilities in ensuring that Iraq is as stable as possible under the circumstances. Finally, I said publicly that it is my preference not to micromanage the Commander-in-Chief in the prosecution of war. Ultimately, I do not believe that is the ideal role for Congress to play. But at a certain point, we have to draw a line. At a certain point, the American people have to have some confidence that we are not simply going down this blind alley in perpetuity. <br> When it comes to the war in Iraq, the time for promises and assurances, for waiting and patience is over. Too many lives have been lost and too many billions have been spent for us to trust the President on another tried-and-failed policy, opposed by generals and experts, opposed by Democrats and Republicans, opposed by Americans and even the Iraqis themselves. It is time to change our policy. It is time to give Iraqis their country back, and it is time to refocus America's effort on the wider struggle against terror yet to be won. ** Floor Statement on President's Decision to Increase Troops in Iraq (19 January 2007) * The U.S. military has performed valiantly and brilliantly in Iraq. Our troops have done all that we have asked them to do and more. But no amount of American soldiers can solve the political differences at the heart of somebody else's civil war, nor settle the grievances in the hearts of the combatants. <br> It is my firm belief that the responsible course of action - for the United States, for Iraq, and for our troops - is to oppose this reckless escalation and to pursue a new policy. This policy that I've laid out is consistent with what I have advocated for well over a year, with many of the recommendations of the bipartisan Iraq Study Group, and with what the American people demanded in the November election. <br> When it comes to the war in Iraq, the time for promises and assurances, for waiting and patience, is over. Too many lives have been lost and too many billions have been spent for us to trust the President on another tried and failed policy opposed by generals and experts, Democrats and Republicans, Americans and many of the Iraqis themselves. <br> It is time for us to fundamentally change our policy. It is time to give Iraqis their country back. And it is time to refocus America's efforts on the challenges we face at home and the wider struggle against terror yet to be won. ** Floor Statement on Iraq War De-escalation Act of 2007 (30 January 2007) * It is important at this point that Congress offer specific constructive approaches to what’s proven to be a foreign policy disaster because we’ve got too much at stake to simply stand on the sidelines and criticize...If we simply cut off funding without any structure for how a redeployment takes place, then you could genuinely have a Constitutional crisis or at least a crisis on the ground where the president continues to send troops there but now they’re being shortchanged in terms of armaments and support...The notion that as a consequence of that [2002 Congressional] authorization, the president can continue down a failed path without any constraints from Congress whatsoever is wrong and is not warranted by our Constitution. ** [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16896534/ Interview on Iraq with the Associated Press (30 January 2007)] * In an interview with Steve Kroft of 60 Minutes, the day before announcing his candidacy for President: :Steve Kroft: Do you think the country is ready for a black president? :Barack Obama: Yes. :Steve Kroft: You don't think it's going to hold you back? :Barack Obama: No. I think if I don't win this race, it will be because of other factors. It's going to be because I have not shown to the American people a vision for where the country needs to go, that they can embrace. :*"[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAt13fo3LB4?t=6m47s The Long-Shot Candidate]" (at 6m47s), CBS News on YouTube, 29 December 2008. * I recognize there is a certain presumptuousness in this, a certain audacity, to this announcement. I know that I haven't spent a lot of time learning the ways of Washington, but I've been there long enough to know that the ways of Washington must change. People who love their country can change it. ** [http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/02/10/obama.president/index.html Announcement of Candidacy for President of the United States. (10 February 2007)] * We've been told that our crises are somebody else's fault. We are distracted from our real failures and told to blame the other party, or gay people, or immigrants, and as people have looked away in frustration and disillusionment, we know who has filled the void. The cynics, the lobbyists, the special interests, who've turned government into only a game they can afford to play. They write the checks while you get stuck with the bill. They get access while you get to write a letter. **Announcement of Candidacy for President of the United States. (10 February 2007) * The Israeli people, and Prime Minister Olmert, have made clear that they are more than willing to negotiate an end to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict that will result in two states living side by side in peace and security. But the Israelis must trust that they have a true Palestinian partner for peace. That is why we must strengthen the hands of Palestinian moderates who seek peace and that is why we must maintain the isolation of Hamas and other extremists who are committed to Israel's destruction. ** [http://www2.iland.net/inews/story.php?storyid=1038226&class=iraq Speech at AIPAC. (2 March 2007)] * '''One of the prettiest sounds on Earth at sunset.''' ** Of the Arabic call to prayer — as quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/06/opinion/06kristof.html?_r=0 "Obama: Man of the World" by Nicholas D. Kristof, ''The New York Times'' (March 6, 2007)] * In Africa, you often see that the difference between a village where everybody eats and a village where people starve is government. One has a functioning government, and the other does not. Which is why it bothers me when I hear people say that government is the enemy. They don't understand its fundamental role. ** Profile in ''The Independent Magazine'' (10 March 2007) * Nobody's suffering more than the Palestinian people from this whole process. And I would like to see — if we could get some movement from Palestinian leadership — what I'd like to see is a loosening up of some of the restrictions on providing aid directly to the Palestinian people. ** Response to a question in [[w:Iowa|Iowa]] (11 March 2007) in {{citation | date = 2007-03-11 | title = Iowans get an up-close view of Obama | first = Thomas | last = Beaumont | newspaper = Des Moines Register/{{w|USA Today}} | url = http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/washington/2007-03-11-obama-iowa_N.htm }} * In case you missed it, this week, there was a tragedy in Kansas. Ten thousand people died – an entire town destroyed. ** On a Kansas tornado that killed 12 people [http://www.telegraphindia.com/1070510/asp/foreign/story_7758325.asp] (9 May 2007) * Look at what happened in New Orleans and along the Gulf Coast when [[w:Hurricane Katrina|Katrina]] hit. People ask me whether they thought race was the reason the response was so slow. I say, "well, no, this administration was colorblind in its incompetence." But, everyone here knows that the disaster and the poverty happened long before the hurricane hit. * And so God is asking us today to remember the miracle of that baby and he's asking us, he says, "Take the bullet out!" If we have more black men in prison than in our colleges and universities, then it's time to take the bullet out. If we have millions of people goin' to the emergency room for treatable illnesses like asthma, it's time to take the bullet out. If too many of our kids don't have health insurance, it's time to take that bullet out. If we keep sending our kids to crumblin' school buildings, we keep fighting this war in Iraq, a war that should've never been authorized and should've never been waged, a war that costing us 20 cents — $275 million a day, that could have been invested in rebuilding communities all across this country, then it's time to take that bullet out! * Now here's the thing, when [[September 11 attacks|9-11]] happened in New York City, they waived the {{w|Stafford Act}} — said, "This is too serious a problem. We can't expect New York City to rebuild on its own. Forget that dollar you gotta put in. Well, here's ten dollars." And that was the right thing to do. When {{w|Hurricane Andrew}} struck in Florida, people said, "Look at this devastation. We don't expect you to come up with y'own money, here. Here's the money to rebuild. We're not gonna wait for you to scratch it together — because you're part of the American family." What's happening down in New Orleans? "Where's your dollar? Where's your Stafford Act money?" Makes no sense! Tells me the bullet hasn't been taken out. Tells me that somehow, the people down in New Orleans they don't care about as much! * We know that our faith sometimes has been used as a wedge to divide us, but we also know that with a ''big'' God, with a loving and ''forceful'' God, if we unite in ''his'' name, we can finish his work on Earth. In the face of impossible odds, people who love their country can change it. With a uniting faith, with a God powerful enough to empower us, we can take those bullets out. * There was a team that took that bullet out of the baby, 15 years ago. She's got a scar on her arm, always will, but she will survive. Just like America will survive. Just like black folks will survive. We won't forget where we came from. We won't forget what happened 19 months ago, or 15 years ago, or 300 years ago. We know who the head surgeon is, we're on the case, we're going to pull bullet after bullet out. ** Hampton University, June 2007 ** referring to [http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2012/04/26/11408854-unborn-baby-shot-in-los-angeles-riots-im-still-here?lite Jessica Evers], born with a bullet in her arm on {{#formatdate:1992-04-30}} during the [[w:1992 Los Angeles riots|Los Angeles riots]] * I will send a strong message that Israel is our friend, that we will assist in their security and that we don't find nuclear weapons acceptable as Iran is currently envisioning it. ** ''[http://www.reuters.com/article/2007/07/26/us-usa-politics-democrats-idUSN2619692620070726 Obama says Clinton has foreign policy like Bush's]'' 26 July 2007 * I did. It's not something that I'm proud of. It was a mistake … But you know, I'm not going to. I never understood that line. The point was to inhale. That was the point. ** [http://firstread.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2007/11/25/479649.aspx When asked "Unlike other presidents, did you inhale?"] * Don't tell us that the only way to teach a child is to spend too much of a year preparing him to fill out a few bubbles on a standardized test; we know that's not true. ** [[Barrack Obama]] ''National Education Association Speech'', 2007 * I think that I’m a better speechwriter than my speechwriters. I know more about policies on any particular issue than my policy directors. And I’ll tell you right now that I’m gonna think I’m a better political director than my political director. ** Reported by [[w:Ryan Lizza|Ryan Lizza]] in the ''New Yorker'', said to [[w:Patrick Gaspard|Patrick Gaspard]] during a job interview in 2007.[http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/11/17/081117fa_fact_lizza?printable=true] * The President does not have power under the Constitution to unilaterally authorize a military attack in a situation that does not involve stopping an actual or imminent threat to the nation. In instances of self-defense, the President would be within his constitutional authority to act before advising Congress or seeking its consent. History has shown us time and again, however, that military action is most successful when it is authorized and supported by the Legislative branch. It is always preferable to have the informed consent of Congress prior to any military action. As for the specific question about bombing suspected nuclear sites, I recently introduced S.J.Res.23, which states in part that “any offensive military action taken by the United States against Iran must be explicitly authorized by Congress.” ** In response to a question "In what circumstances would the president have constitutional authority to bomb Iran without seeking a use-of-force authorization from Congress?" ** ''[[w:Boston Globe|Boston Globe]]'' questionnaire on Executive Power, December 20, 2007.[http://www.ontheissues.org/Archive/2007_Exec_Power_Barack_Obama.htm] ===2008=== [[File:Barack Obama 2008 Kuwait 21.jpg|thumb|Hope is that thing inside us that insists, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us if we have the courage to reach for it and to work for it and to fight for it.]] [[File:Barack Obama 2008 Kuwait 10.jpg|thumb|Hope is the bedrock of this nation. The belief that our destiny will not be written for us, but by us, by all those men and women who are not content to settle for the world as it is, who have the courage to remake the world as it should be.]] * I know you didn't do this for me. You did this—you did this because you believed so deeply in '''the most American of ideas—that in the face of impossible odds, people who love this country can change it.''' ** [[s:Iowa Caucus Victory Speech|Iowa Caucus Victory Speech]], Delivered at the [[w:Iowa Democratic caucuses, 2008|Iowa Democratic caucus]] on [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNZaq-YKCnE 3 January 2008] * Years from now, you'll look back and you'll say that this was the moment, this was the place where America remembered what it means to hope. For many months, we've been teased, even derided for talking about hope. But we always knew that '''hope is not blind optimism. It's not ignoring the enormity of the tasks ahead or the roadblocks that stand in our path. It's not sitting on the sidelines or shirking from a fight. Hope is that thing inside us that insists, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us if we have the courage to reach for it and to work for it and to fight for it.''' ** [[s:Iowa Caucus Victory Speech|Iowa Caucus Victory Speech]], Delivered at the [[w:Iowa Democratic caucuses, 2008|Iowa Democratic caucus]] on [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNZaq-YKCnE 3 January 2008] * '''[[Hope]] is the bedrock of this nation. The belief that our destiny will not be written for us, but by us, by all those men and women who are not content to settle for the world as it is, who have the courage to remake the world as it should be.''' ** [[s:Iowa Caucus Victory Speech|Iowa Caucus Victory Speech]], Delivered at the [[w:Iowa Democratic caucuses, 2008|Iowa Democratic caucus]] on [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNZaq-YKCnE 3 January 2008] * We know the battle ahead will be long, but '''always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change.''' **[[s:Remarks of Senator Barack Obama on New Hampshire Primary Night|Remarks of Senator Barack Obama on New Hampshire Primary Night]] (8 January 2008) * We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics who will only grow louder and more dissonant in the weeks to come. We've been asked to pause for a reality check. We've been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope. But '''in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope. For when we have faced down impossible odds; when we've been told that we're not ready, or that we shouldn't try, or that we can't, [[generations]] of Americans have responded with a simple creed that sums up the spirit of a people: ''Yes we can''.''' **[[s:Remarks of Senator Barack Obama on New Hampshire Primary Night|Remarks of Senator Barack Obama on New Hampshire Primary Night]] (8 January 2008) * We long for unity, but are unwilling to pay the price. But of course, true unity cannot be so easily won. It starts with a change in attitudes - a broadening of our minds, and a broadening of our hearts. ** [http://www.reobama.com/SpeechesJan2008.htm Remarks of Senator Barack Obama: The Great Need of the Hour (January 20, 2008 in Atlanta, Georgia)] * I am a Christian, and I am a devout Christian. I believe in the redemptive death and resurrection of [[Jesus Christ]]. I believe that that faith gives me a path to be cleansed of sin and have eternal life. But most importantly, I believe in the example that Jesus set by feeding the hungry and healing the sick and always prioritizing the least of these over the powerful. I didn't 'fall out in church' as they say, but there was a very strong awakening in me of the importance of these issues in my life. I didn't want to walk alone on this journey. Accepting Jesus Christ in my life has been a powerful guide for my conduct and my values and my ideals.. **[http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2008/januaryweb-only/104-32.0.html?start=1 "Q & A: Barack Obama"] Interview in ''Christianity Today'' (22 January 2008) * '''Change will not come if we wait for some other person or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.''' ** [https://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/05/us/politics/05text-obama.html Senator Barack Obama’s speech to supporters after the Feb. 5 2008 nominating contests, as provided by Federal News Service and released in the New York Times (5 February 2008)] * There was no such thing as Al Qaeda in Iraq, until [[George W. Bush|George Bush]] and [[John McCain]] decided to invade Iraq. ** Speech in Columbus, Ohio (27 February 2008) * The forces of division have begun to raise their ugly head again … It reminds me: We've got a tragic history when it comes to race in this country. A lot of pent-up anger and mistrust and bitterness. This country wants to move beyond these kinds of things. ** [http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2008/03/16/obama_asks_country_to_come_together_right_now/ "Obama asks country to come together right now" in ''The Boston Globe'' (16 March 2008)] * John McCain once opposed these tax cuts — he rightly called them unfair and fiscally irresponsible. But now he has done an about face and wants to make them permanent, just like he wants a permanent occupation in Iraq. No matter what the costs, no matter what the consequences, John McCain seems determined to carry out a third Bush term... **[http://firstread.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2008/03/20/789664.aspx "Bush-McCain policies have... ballooned the national debt." (20 March 2008)] * The point I was making was not that my grandmother harbors any racial animosity — she doesn't. But she is a typical white person who, you know, if she sees somebody on the street that she doesn't know, you know, there's a reaction that's been bred into our experiences that don't go away and that sometimes come out in the wrong way. And that's just the nature of race in our society. We have to break through it. And what makes me optimistic is you see each generation feeling a little bit less like that, and that's pretty powerful stuff. ** Interview on radio staion 610 WIP (20 March 2008), as quoted in [http://mediamatters.org/print/research/200803210008 Chris Wallace criticizes ''Fox & Friends'' for "two hours of Obama bashing" in which hosts "distort … what Obama had to say" (21 March 2008)] * I've got two daughters, nine years old and six years old. I am going to teach them first of all about values and morals. But if they make a mistake, I don't want them punished with a baby. ** [http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0803/29/bb.01.html Town Hall Meeting in Johnstown, Pennsylvania (29 March 2008)] * I taught constitutional law for ten years. I take the Constitution very seriously. The biggest problems that we're facing right now have to do with George Bush trying to bring more and more power into the executive branch and not go through Congress at all, and that's what I intend to reverse when I'm president of the United States of America. ** Townhall in Lancaster, Pennsylvania (31 March 2008) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3IWq3CXHyc video] * I am not in favor of concealed weapons. I think that creates a potential atmosphere where more innocent people could (get shot during) altercations. ** [http://triblive.com//x/pittsburghtrib/news/s_560181.html#axzz3dMIj6b00 "Candidates' gun control positions may figure in Pa. vote"] by Mike Wereschagin and David M. Brown, ''Pittsburgh Tribune-Review'' (2 April 2008) * You go into some of these small towns in Pennsylvania, a lot like a lot of small towns in the Midwest, the jobs have been gone now for 25 years and nothing’s replaced them. And they fell through the Clinton administration, and the Bush administration, and each successive administration has said that somehow these communities are gonna regenerate and they have not. So it’s not surprising then that '''they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy towards people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.''' ** [http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/2000404/posts Statement at a San Francisco fundraiser (6 April 2008)] * Lately there has been a little typical sort of political flare up because I said something that everybody knows is true which is that there are a whole bunch of folks in small towns in Pennsylvania, in towns right here in Indiana, in my hometown in Illinois who are bitter. They are angry. They feel like they have been left behind. They feel like nobody is paying attention to what they're going through. So I said well you know when you're bitter you turn to what you can count on. So people they vote about guns, or they take comfort from their faith and their family and their community. And they get mad about illegal immigrants who are coming over to this country or they get frustrated about you know how things are changing. '''That's a natural response. And now I didn't say it as well as I should have because you know the truth is is that these traditions that are passed on from generation to generation those are important. That's what sustains us. But what is absolutely true is that people don't feel like they are being listened to. And so they pray and they count on each other and they count on their families.''' You know this in your own lives and what we need is a government that is actually paying attention. Government that is fighting for working people day in and day out making sure that we are trying to allow them to live out the American dream. And that's what this campaign is about. We've got to get past the divisions. We've got to get past the distractions of our politics and fight for each other. That is why I am running for president of the United States. And I think we've got an opportunity to bring about that change right here and right now. But I'm gonna need your help Indiana. I'm gonna need your help. ** In Muncie, Indiana on Saturday, April 12, 2008 clarifying the remarks he had made in his San Francisco speech the previous Sunday. [http://thepage.time.com/transcript-of-obamas-remarks-in-muncie-indiana/ Transcript of Obama's Remarks in Muncie, Indiana (12 April 2008)] *'''Gibson''': And in each instance, when the [capital gains tax] rate dropped, revenues from the tax increased; the government took in more money. And in the 1980s, when the tax was increased to 28 percent, the revenues went down. So why raise it at all, especially given the fact that 100 million people in this country own stock and would be affected? <br> '''Obama''': Well, Charlie, what I’ve said is that I would look at raising the capital gains tax for purposes of fairness. ** [http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/DemocraticDebate/Story?id=4670271&page=3 Interview on ''ABC News'' (16 April 2008)] * I've known [[w:Jeremiah Wright|Reverend Wright]] for almost twenty years. The person I saw yesterday was not the person that I met twenty years ago. His comments were not only divisive and destructive, but I believe that they end up giving comfort to those who prey on hate and I believe that they do not portray accurately the perspective of the black church. They certainly don’t portray accurately my values and beliefs and if Reverend Wright thinks that's political posturing, as he put it, then he doesn't know me very well and based on his remarks yesterday, well I may not know him as well as I thought either. ** [http://embeds.blogs.foxnews.com/2008/04/29/obama-calls-it-quits-with-former-pastor-jeremiah-wright/ Statement at a press conference following Reverend Jeremiah Wright's speech at a Press Club event (29 April 2008)] * Over the last fifteen months we've traveled to every corner of the United States. I've now been in fifty...seven states... I think one left to go. One left to go — Alaska and Hawaii I was not allowed to go to, even though I really wanted to visit — but my staff would not justify it. ** A gaffe during a campaign address, where he had obviously meant to say forty-seven in reference to the 47 of the 48 contiguous US states he had visited. (9 May 2008) [http://www.barackobama.com/2008/05/09/remarks_of_senator_barack_obam_63.php Official transcript of address] - [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpGH02DtIws video of actual delivery of the introduction] * Now I know that if you listen to Washington or pay attention to the pundits, you hear a lot about how divided we are as a people. But that's not what I've found as I've traveled across this great country. <br> Everywhere I go, I've been impressed by the values and hopes that we share. In big cities and small towns; among men and women; young and old; black, white, and brown — Americans share a faith in simple dreams. ** [http://www.barackobama.com/2008/05/09/remarks_of_senator_barack_obam_63.php Campaign address in Beaverton, Oregon (9 May 2008)] * Iran, Cuba, Venezuela — these countries are tiny compared to the Soviet Union. They don't pose a serious threat to us the way the Soviet Union posed a threat to us. And yet we were willing to talk to the Soviet Union at the time when they were saying, `We're going to wipe you off the planet." **[http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5glI7UtjQLctRJGUYNpAuFHulunKgD90OUQ4O0 Campaign rally in Pendleton, Oregon (18 May 2008)] * Let me be absolutely clear: Iran is a grave threat. **[http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/05/19/mccain-and-obama-trade-barbs-on-iran/?hp Campaign rally in Billings, Montana (19 May 2008)] * You can take your diploma, walk off this stage, and chase only after the big house and the nice suits, but I hope you don't. Not because you have an obligation to those who are less fortunate, although I believe you do have that obligation. Not because you have a debt to all those who helped you get here, although I do believe you have that debt. It's because you have an obligation to yourself. Because our individual salvation depends on collective salvation. Because thinking only about yourself, fulfilling your immediate wants and needs, betrays a poverty of ambition. ** [http://www.politico.com/pdf/PPM42_remarks_of_obama.pdf Wesleyan Graduation Ceremony, Middletown, Connecticut (25 May 2008)] * On this Memorial Day, as our nation honors its unbroken line of fallen heroes — and I see many of them in the audience here today — our sense of patriotism is particularly strong. **[http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/studentnews/05/26/transcript.tue/ Campaign rally on Memorial Day, New Mexico (26 May 2008)] * I’m not denouncing the church, and I’m not interested in people who want me to denounce the church. It’s not a church worthy of denouncing. **[http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/01/us/politics/01obama.html?bl&ex=1212465600&en=88997ad25a4ddba4&ei=5087%0A On resigning his membership in the Trinity United Church of Christ (31 May 2008)] * I am reminded every day of my life, if not by events, then by my wife, that I am not a perfect man. ** Speech in Mitchell, South Dakota; (1 June 2008) * I honor — we honor — the service of John McCain, and I respect his many accomplishments, even if he chooses to deny mine. My differences with him are not personal; they are with the policies he has proposed in this campaign. ** [http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/06/03/obama.speech/index.html Speech following the Minnesota primary (3 June 2008)] * You know in your hearts that at this moment — a moment that will define a generation — we cannot afford to keep doing what we've been doing. We owe our children a better future. We owe our country a better future. And for all those who dream of that future tonight, I say — let us begin the work together. Let us unite in common effort to chart a new course for America. ** [http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/06/03/obama.speech/index.html Speech following the Minnesota primary (3 June 2008)] * America, this is our moment. This is our time, our time to turn the page on the policies of the past, our time to bring new energy and new ideas to the challenges we face, our time to offer a new direction for this country that we love. The journey will be difficult. The road will be long. I face this challenge with profound humility, and knowledge of my own limitations. But I also face it with limitless faith in the capacity of the American people. Because if we are willing to work for it, and fight for it, and believe in it, then I am absolutely certain that generations from now, we will be able to look back and tell our children that this was the moment when we began to provide care for the sick and good jobs to the jobless; this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal; this was the moment when we ended a war and secured our nation and restored our image as the last, best hope on earth. This was the moment - this was the time - when we came together to remake this great nation so that it may always reflect our very best selves, and our highest ideals. ** [http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/03/us/politics/03text-obama.html Barack Obama’s Remarks in St. Paul] (3 June 2008) * These voices blame [[Israel|the Middle East's only democracy]] for the region's extremism. They offer the false promise that abandoning a stalwart ally is somehow the path to strength. It is not, it never has been, and it never will be. ** [http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=91150432&ft=1&f=1102 Speech at AIPAC Policy Conference (4 June 2008)] * Any agreement with the Palestinian people must preserve Israel's identity as a Jewish state, with secure, recognized and defensible borders. [[Jerusalem]] will remain the capital of Israel, and it must remain undivided. ** [http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=91150432&ft=1&f=1102 Speech at AIPAC Policy Conference (4 June 2008)] * Obviously, it's going to be up to the parties to negotiate a range of these issues, and Jerusalem will be part of those [[negotiations]]. ** [http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0901/02/cnr.06.html Interview with CNN, in response to a question on Jerusalem (5 June 2008)] * If they bring a knife to the fight, we bring a gun. ** At a Philadelphia fundraiser, as quoted in [http://blogs.wsj.com/washwire/2008/06/14/obama-if-they-bring-a-knife-to-the-fight-we-bring-a-gun/ "Obama: ‘If They Bring a Knife to the Fight, We Bring a Gun’"], ''The Wall Street Journal'' (14 June 2008) * '''We cannot continue to rely only on our military in order to achieve the national security objectives that we've set. We've got to have a civilian national security force that's just as powerful, just as strong, just as well-funded.''' ** [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tt2yGzHfy7s Call to Service in Colorado Springs, CO (2 July 2008)] * The problem is, is that the way Bush has done it over the last eight years is to take out a credit card from the Bank of China in the name of our children, driving up our national debt from $5 trillion for the first 42 presidents -- #43 added $4 trillion by his lonesome, so that we now have over $9 trillion of debt that we are going to have to pay back — $30,000 for every man, woman and child. '''That's irresponsible. It's unpatriotic.''' ** [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUPZJDBJI84 (July 3, 2008): Obama says adding $4 trillion to debt is unpatriotic] * I was a little puzzled by the frenzy that I set off by what I thought was a pretty innocuous statement, which is that I am absolutely committed to ending the war. I'm not trying to dump on you guys, but I'm surprised at how finely calibrated every single word was measured. I wasn't saying anything that I hadn't said before, that I didn't say a year ago, or when I was a U.S. senator. If you look at our position, it's been very consistent. The notion that we have to get out carefully has been a consistent position. … I think what's happened is that the McCain campaign primed the pump with the press to suggest that somehow we were changing our policy when we hadn't and that just hasn't been the case. I've given no indication of a change in policy … I think John McCain's going to have a much harder time explaining how he is willing to perpetuate a presence in Iraq for 10, 20, 50 years. ** [http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/07/06/campaign.wrap/index.html Obama response to attack from McCain and his campaign on alleged Obama reversal on Iraq War; (5 July 2008)] * Lord — Protect my family and me. Forgive me my sins, and help me guard against pride and despair. Give me the wisdom to do what is right and just. And make me an instrument of your will. ** [http://www.mercurynews.com/nationworld/ci_9994539 Note slipped into the Western Wall in Jerusalem (24 July 2008)] * Nobody really thinks that Bush or McCain have a real answer for the challenges we face. So what they are going to try to do is make you scared of me. You know he — oh, he's not patriotic enough. He's got a funny name. You know, he doesn't look like all of those other presidents on those dollar bills. ** Campaign rally in Springfield, Missouri, July 30, 2008 [http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5iNxTApa2sQRu0Xx99P3jt2bEXw7gD928U6F00] * I remain skeptical that new offshore drilling will bring down gas prices in the short-term or significantly reduce our oil dependence in the long-term, though I do welcome the establishment of a process that will allow us to make future drilling decisions based on science and fact. But I've always believed that finding consensus will be essential to solving our energy crisis and today's package represents a good faith effort at a new bipartisan beginning. ** Press statement as quoted in [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26010596/ ''Countdown with Keith Olbermann'' (1 August 2008)] * My interest is in making sure we‘ve got the kind of comprehensive energy policy that can bring down gas prices. If, in order to get that passed, we have to compromise in terms of a careful, well-thought out oil strategy that was carefully circumscribed to avoid significant environmental damage. I don't want to be so rigid that we can't get something done. ** [http://www.palmbeachpost.com/localnews/content/state/epaper/2008/08/01/0801obama1.html Interview in ''The Palm Beach Post'' (1 August 2008)] * So, now the Republicans are going around — this is the kind of thing they do. I don't understand it. They are going around. They're sending like little tire gauges, making fun of this idea, as if this is Barack Obama's energy plan. Now, two points. One, they know they're lying about what my energy plan is. But the other thing is, they are making fun of a step that every expert says would absolutely reduce our oil consumption by 3 percent to 4 percent. ''It's like these guys take pride in being ignorant'', you know? I mean, they think it's funny that they're making fun of something that is actually true. They need to do their homework, because this is serious business. Instead of running ads about Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, they should go talk to some energy experts and actually make a difference. ** [http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0808/05/sitroom.03.html Responding to Republican criticism of his energy policy (5 August 2008)] * People ask me... "What do you still bring from Hawaii? How does it affect your character, how does it affect your politics?" I try to explain to them something about the [[w:Aloha|Aloha Spirit]]. I try to explain to them this basic idea that we all have obligations to each other, that we're not alone, that if we see somebody who's in need we should help... that we look out for one another, that we deal with each other with courtesy and respect, and most importantly, that when you come from Hawaii, you start understanding that what's on the surface, what people look like — that doesn't determine who they are. <br> And that the power and strength of diversity, the ability of people from everywhere … whether they're black or white, whether they're Japanese-Americans or Korean-Americans or Filipino-Americans or whatever they are, they are just Americans, that all of us can work together and all of us can join together to create a better country. <br> And it's that spirit, that I'm absolutely convinced, is what America is looking for right now. <br> Because we've been divided for so long, we've been arguing for so long, a lot of times about things that aren't even worth arguing about, and ignoring the things that we should be doing to make the next generation have a better life — that I think people are hungry for a new politics, they're hungry for change, and that's why I decided to run for President of the United States. ** [http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=40384154 Speech in Keehi Lagoon Beach Park, Hawaii, (8 August 2008)] * Well, I think that you're looking at it from a theological perspective or a scientific perspective. Answering that question with specificity is above my pay grade. But let me just speak more generally about the issue of abortion, because this is something that obviously the country wrestles with. ** Answer to the question: "At what point does a baby get human rights in your view?" at the [http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0808/16/se.02.html Saddleback Civil Forum] with Pastor [[w:Rich Warren|Rich Warren]], (18 August 2008) * Tim Kaine has a message of fiscal responsibility and generosity of spirit. That kind of message can sell anywhere. ** About Virginia governor Tom Kaine, a possible VP candidate [http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2008/aug/03/vetting-obamas-man/] * You have shown what history teaches us — that at defining moments like this one, the change we need doesn't come ''from'' Washington. Change comes ''to'' Washington. **[http://my.barackobama.com/page/community/post/samgrahamfelsen/gG5l5C Nomination Acceptance Speech (29 August 2008)] * '''If you don’t have any fresh ideas, then you use stale tactics to scare the voters. If you don’t have a record to run on, then you paint your opponent as someone people should run from. You make a big election about small things.''' ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmEI9Doctqs Democratic National Convention Nomination Acceptance Speech (29 August 2008)] * By the way, I've been called worse on the basketball court. Its not a big deal. ** Response to remarks by Alaska governor [[Sarah Palin]] (4 September)] * I hope you guys are up for a fight. I hope you guys are game because I haven’t been putting up with 19 months of airplanes and hotel food and missing my babies and my wife — I didn’t put up for that stuff just to come in second. ** To supporters at a fund-raising party at [[Jon Bon Jovi]]'s mansion in Duryea, Pennsylvania, (5 September 2008) ** [http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/09/06/obama-i-dont-believe-in-coming-in-second/ "Obama: 'I Don't Believe in Coming in Second'" by Jeff Zeleny (6 September 2008)] * Let's not play games. What I was suggesting — you're absolutely right that John McCain has not talked about my Muslim faith. ** [http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2008/sep/07/obama-verbal-slip-fuels-his-critics/?page=all "Obama's verbal slip fuels his critics"] by Christina Bellantoni, ''The Washington Times'' (7 September 2008) * I don't think me calling House Republican members would have been that helpful. I tend not to be that persuasive on that side of the aisle. ** [http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/Vote2008/story?id=5922487&page=1 Interview with ''ABC News'' (10 October 2008)] * I know these are difficult times. I know folks are worried. But I also know that now is not the time for fear or panic. Now is the time for resolve and steady leadership. Because I know we can steer ourselves out of [[w:2008–2012 global recession|this crisis]]. This is a nation that has faced down [[w:World War II|war]] and [[w:Great Depression|depression]]; great challenges and great threats. We have seen always [[Martin Luther King, Jr.#I.27ve_Been_to_the_Mountaintop_.281968.29|that mountaintop]] from the deepest valley. We have always risen to the moment when the moment was hard – and we can do it again. We can restore confidence in our economy and renew that fundamental belief – that '''here in America, our destiny is not written for us, but by us.''' ** [http://www.phawker.com/2008/10/11/obama-our-destiny-is-not-written-for-us-but-by-us/ OBAMA: ‘Our Destiny Is Not Written For Us, But By Us’, STARS AND STRIPES: Rally For Change, Progress Plaza, Philadelphia, 8 AM, (10 October 2008)] * It is absolutely critical that we understand this is not just a challenge, it's an opportunity, because if we create a new energy economy, we can create five million new jobs, easily, here in the United States. <br> It can be an engine that drives us into the future the same way the computer was the engine for [[economic growth]] over the last couple of decades. <br> And we can do it, but we're going to have to make an investment. The same way the computer was originally invented by a bunch of government scientists who were trying to figure out, for defense purposes, how to communicate, we've got to understand that this is a national security issue, as well. <br> And that's why we've got to make some investments and I've called for investments in solar, wind, geothermal. ** Comments on energy and environmental policies, in the [http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/10/07/presidential.debate.transcript Second Presidential Debate (7 October 2008)] * My attitude is that if the economy's good for folks from the bottom up, it's gonna be good for everybody … I think when you spread the wealth around, it's good for everybody. ** [http://elections.foxnews.com/2008/10/13/obama-plumber-plan-spread-wealth/comments/ Comments at an Ohio campaign stop (13 October 2008)] * So we pulled up to this diner, where people told us that we could get some good pie. And I like pie. Do you like pie too? So, we go in there, and we say, "Oh, what kind of pie you got?' And they didn't have sweet potato pie, they didn't have pumpkin pie. They had some cream pies mostly, which is OK with me. So, I got some coconut cream pie. And Governor Strickland, he got lemon meringue pie. <br> So while we're waiting for our pie, the staff come and they want to take a picture with me because they say, you know, the owner of this dinner is a staunch die-hard Republican, so we want to kind of tease him a little bit by getting this picture with you. So we're taking this picture and suddenly the owner comes out with the pie. And he looks at me and I say, "Sir, I understand that you are a die-hard Republican." He says, "That's right." I said, "How's business?" He said, "Not so good." He said, "My customer, they can't afford to eat out anymore." I said, "Who's been in charge of the economy for the last eight years?" He said, "Republicans." I said, "You know, if you kept on hitting your head against a wall over and over again and it started to hurt, at some point would you stop hitting your head against the wall?" He said, "You've got a point." ** [http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0810/16/cnr.04.html At a rally in Londonberry, New Hampshire (16 October 2008)] * Contrary to the rumours that you've heard, I was not born in a manger. I was actually born on [[w:Krypton (comics)|Krypton]] and sent here by my father, [[w:Jor-El|Jor-El]], to save the planet [[Earth]]. ** Joking in a [http://www.truveo.com/Obama-Im-From-Krypton-My-Father-Was-JorEl/id/2710091678 speech at the Al Smith Dinner in New York City (17 October 2008)]; making allusions [[Jesus]] and [[Superman]], in regard to impossibly high expectations of what he might do as president. * It is true that I want to roll back the Bush tax cuts on the very wealthiest Americans and go back to the rate that they paid under Bill Clinton. John McCain calls that socialism. What he forgets, conveniently, is that just a few years ago, he himself said those Bush tax cuts were irresponsible. He said he couldn't in good conscience support tax cuts where the benefit went to the wealthy at the expense of middle class Americans who most need the tax relief. That's his quote. Well, he was right then, and I am right now. ** [http://www.baynews9.com/content/36/2008/10/20/394027.html Comments at a campaign rally in Tampa; Florida (20 October 2008)] * What Senator McCain has lately been suggesting is that somehow I'm going to take money from people making over $250,000, and give it to people who "pay no taxes". What he's confusing is the fact that even if you don't pay income tax, there are a lot of people who don't pay income tax, but you're still paying a whole lot of other taxes. You're paying payroll tax, which is a huge burden on a lot of middle-income families. You're paying sales taxes. You're paying property taxes. There are a whole host of taxes that you're paying. So when we provide an offset to the waitress or the janitor, these folks are ''working''. This isn't some giveaway to people who are on welfare. This is giving help to people who are working hard every day. ** [http://www-tc.pbs.org/newshour/rss/media/2008/10/21/20081021_wrap.mp3 Remarks at a a rally in Lake Worth, Florida (21 October 2008)] [[File:Barack Obama at Las Vegas Presidential Forum.jpg|thumbnail|I believe marriage is between a man and a woman. I am not in favor of gay marriage.]] * I believe marriage is between a man and a woman. I am not in favor of gay marriage. But when you start playing around with constitutions, just to prohibit somebody who cares about another person, it just seems to me that’s not what America’s about. Usually, our constitutions expand liberties, they don’t contract them. ** As quoted in [http://www.mtv.com/news/1598407/barack-obama-answers-your-questions-about-gay-marriage-paying-for-college-more/ "Barack Obama Answers Your Questions About Gay Marriage, Paying For College, More" at ''MTV News'' (1 November 2008)] * She was somebody who was a very humble person and a very plain spoken person. She's one of those quiet heroes that we have all across America&nbsp;... They're not famous, their names aren't in the newspapers. But, each and every day, they work hard. They look after their families. They sacrifice for their children and their grandchildren. They aren't seeking the limelight. All they try to do is just do the right thing. And in this crowd, there are a lot of quiet heroes like that—mothers and fathers, grandparents who have worked hard and sacrificed all their lives, and the satisfaction that they get is seeing that their children and maybe their grandchildren or their great-children live a better life than they did. And that's what America is about. That's what we're fighting for. And North Carolina, with just one more day, we have the opportunity to honor all of those quiet heroes all across America and all across North Carolina. We can bring change to America to make sure that their work and their sacrifice is honored. That's what we're fighting for. ** Obama speaking about his grandmother [[w:Madelyn Dunham|Madelyn Dunham]] at a campaign rally in Charlotte, North Carolina (3 November 2008) [[File:Obama with the 2010 awardees for the Excellence in Science, Mathematics and Engineering Mentoring.jpg|thumb|Promoting [[science]] isn't just about providing resources, it's about [[protecting]] [[free]] and open [[inquiry]]. It's about ensuring that [[facts]] and [[evidence]] are never twisted or obscured by [[politics]] or [[ideology]]. It's about listening to what our scientists have to say, even when it's inconvenient, especially when it's inconvenient. Because the highest [[purpose]] of science is the search for [[knowledge]], [[truth]] and a [[greater]] [[understanding]] of the [[world]] around us.]] * I have spoken to all of them who are living. I didn't want to get into a Nancy Reagan thing about doing any séances. ** [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/barackobama/3406298/Barack-Obama-apologises-to-Nancy-Reagan-after-first-gaffe-as-President-Elect.html "Barack Obama apologises to Nancy Reagan after first gaffe as President-Elect"] Tim Shipman, ''Telegraph'', 08 Nov 2008. Context: Obama mentioned the fact Nancy Reagan supposedly had spiritual sessions to talk with her late husband Ronald Reagan and used an astrologer to draw up her husband's schedule after the assassination attempt against him in 1981. *I have never seen anyone [[Flag burning|burn a flag]]. And if I did, it would take every ounce of restraint I had not to haul off and hit them. **As quoted in [http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB122835767216478251 "The Constitution, Designed to Change, Rarely Does"] (4 December 2008), by Jennifer S. Forsyth, ''The Wall Street Journal'' * The truth is that, promoting science isn't just about providing resources, it's about protecting free and open inquiry. It's about ensuring that facts and evidence are never twisted or obscured by politics or ideology. It's about listening to what our scientists have to say, even when it's inconvenient, especially when it's inconvenient. Because the highest purpose of science is the search for knowledge, truth and a greater understanding of the world around us. That will be my goal as President of the United States, and I could not have a better team to guide me in this work. ** [http://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/barackobama/barackobamaweeklytransition7.htm President-elect Obama's Weekly Address (20 December 2008)] ==== [[s:Remarks of Senator Barack Obama on New Hampshire Primary Night|Yes, we can speech]] (January 2008) ==== :<small> [http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/08/us/politics/08text-obama.html?_r=1&pagewanted=print Delivered] at the [[w:New Hampshire Democratic primary, 2008|New Hampshire Democratic primary]] on [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fe751kMBwms 8 January 2008]</small> [[File:Barack Obama at NH.jpg|thumb| The battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change. [...] we are not as divided as our politics suggests [...] we are one people, we are one nation. And, together, we will begin the next great chapter in the American story, with three words that will ring from coast to coast, [[w:America the Beautiful|from sea to shining sea]]: Yes, we can.]] * We know '''the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change.''' We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics. They will only grow louder and more dissonant in the weeks and months to come. We've been asked to pause for a reality check; '''we've been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope. But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope. For when we have faced down impossible odds; when we've been told we're not ready, or that we shouldn't try, or that we can't, generations of Americans have responded with a simple creed that sums up the spirit of a people: [[w:Barack_Obama_presidential_campaign,_2008#Slogan|Yes we can]].''' * It was a creed written into the [[w:United States Constitution|founding documents]] [[w:United States Bill of Rights|that declared]] [[w:United States Declaration of Independence|the destiny of a nation]]. : Yes we can. : It was whispered by [[w:Slavery in the United States|slaves]] and [[w:Abolitionism|abolitionists]] as they blazed a trail towards freedom through the darkest of nights. : Yes we can. : It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and [[w:Manifest destiny|pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness]]. : Yes we can. : It was the call of workers who organized; [[w:Women's suffrage in the United States|women who reached for the ballot]]; [[w:John F. Kennedy|a President]] [[w:Apollo program|who chose the moon]] as our [[w:New Frontier|new frontier]]; and [[w:Martin Luther King, Jr.|a King]] [[w:I've Been to the Mountaintop|who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land]]. : Yes we can to justice and equality. Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity. Yes we can heal this nation. Yes we can repair this world. Yes we can. * And so tomorrow, as we take the [[w:Democratic Party presidential primaries, 2008|campaign]] [[w:Southern United States|South]] and [[w:Westrn United States|West]]; as we learn that the struggles of the textile workers in [[w:Spartanburg, South Carolina|Spartanburg]] are not so different than the plight of the dishwasher in [[w:Las Vegas|Las Vegas]]; that the hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in [[w:Dillon, South Carolina|Dillon]] are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of [[w:Los Angeles|L.A.]]; we will remember that there is something happening in America; that '''we are not as divided as our politics suggests'''; that '''we are one people, we are one nation. And, together, we will begin the next great chapter in the American story, with three words that will ring from coast to coast, [[w:America the Beautiful|from sea to shining sea]]: Yes, we can.''' ==== [[w:A More Perfect Union (speech)|A More Perfect Union]] (March 2008) ==== :<small> [[s:A More Perfect Union|Speech on race relations]]; Delivered at [[w:National Constitution Center|the National Constitution Center]] across from [[w:Independence Hall|Independence Hall]] in [[w:Philadelphia|Philadelphia, PA]] [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWe7wTVbLUU (18 March 2008)].</small> [[File:20081102 Obama-Springsteen Rally in Cleveland.JPG|thumb| We cannot solve the challenges of our time unless we solve them together — unless we perfect our union by understanding that we may have different stories, but we hold common hopes; that we may not look the same and we may not have come from the same place, but we all want to move in the same direction — towards a better future for of children and our grandchildren.]] * "We the people, in order to form a more perfect union." <br> Two hundred and twenty one years ago, in a hall that still stands across the street, a group of men gathered and, with these simple words, launched America's improbable experiment in democracy. * '''The document they produced was''' eventually signed, but ultimately unfinished. It was stained by this nation's original sin of [[w:slavery in the United States|slavery]], a question that divided the colonies and brought the convention to a stalemate until the founders chose to allow the slave trade to continue for at least twenty more years, and to leave any final resolution to future generations. <br> Of course, the answer to the slavery question was already embedded within our [[w:United States Constitution|Constitution]] - '''a Constitution that had at its very core the ideal of equal citizenship under the law; a Constitution that promised its people liberty, and justice, and a union that could be and should be perfected over time.''' <br> And yet words on a parchment would not be enough to deliver slaves from bondage, or provide men and women of every color and creed their full rights and obligations as citizens of the United States. What would be needed were Americans in successive generations who were willing to do their part - through protests and struggles, on the streets and in the courts, through a [[w:American Civil War|civil war]] and [[w:civil disobedience|civil disobedience]], and always at great risk - to narrow that gap between the promise of our ideals and the reality of their time. * This was one of the tasks we set forth at the beginning of this presidential campaign: to continue the long march of those who came before us, a march for a more just, more equal, more free, more caring and more prosperous America. I chose to run for the presidency at this moment in history because I believe deeply that '''we cannot solve the challenges of our time unless we solve them together — unless we perfect our union by understanding that we may have different stories, but we hold common hopes; that we may not look the same and we may not have come from the same place, but we all want to move in the same direction — towards a better future for of children and our grandchildren.''' * For the men and women of Reverend Wright's generation, the memories of humiliation and doubt and fear have not gone away; nor has the anger and the bitterness of those years. That anger may not get expressed in public, in front of white co-workers or white friends. But it does find voice in the barbershop or around the kitchen table. At times, that anger is exploited by politicians, to gin up votes along racial lines, or to make up for a politician's own failings. <br> And occasionally it finds voice in the church on Sunday morning, in the pulpit and in the pews. The fact that so many people are surprised to hear that anger in some of Reverend Wright's sermons simply reminds us of the old truism that the most segregated hour in American life occurs on Sunday morning. That anger is not always productive; indeed, all too often it distracts attention from solving real problems; it keeps us from squarely facing our own complicity in our condition, and prevents the African-American community from forging the alliances it needs to bring about real change. But the anger is real; it is powerful; and to simply wish it away, to condemn it without understanding its roots, only serves to widen the chasm of misunderstanding that exists between the races. * The church contains in full the kindness and cruelty, the fierce intelligence and the shocking ignorance, the struggles and successes, the love and yes, the bitterness and bias that make up the black experience in America. <br> And this helps explain, perhaps, my relationship with Reverend Wright. As imperfect as he may be, he has been like family to me. He strengthened my faith, officiated my wedding, and baptized my children. Not once in my conversations with him have I heard him talk about any ethnic group in derogatory terms, or treat whites with whom he interacted with anything but courtesy and respect. He contains within him the contradictions - the good and the bad - of the community that he has served diligently for so many years. <br> I can no more disown him than I can disown the black community. I can no more disown him than I can my white grandmother - a woman who helped raise me, a woman who sacrificed again and again for me, a woman who loves me as much as she loves anything in this world, but a woman who once confessed her fear of black men who passed by her on the street, and who on more than one occasion has uttered racial or ethnic stereotypes that made me cringe. <br> These people are a part of me. And they are a part of America, this country that I love. * But for all those who scratched and clawed their way to get a piece of the [[w:American Dream|American Dream]], there were many who didn't make it - those who were ultimately defeated, in one way or another, by discrimination. That legacy of defeat was passed on to future generations - those young men and increasingly young women who we see standing on street corners or languishing in our prisons, without [[w:hope|hope]] or prospects for the future. Even for those blacks who did make it, questions of race, and racism, continue to define their [[world-view]] in fundamental ways. For the men and women of Reverend Wright’s generation, the memories of [[w:humiliation|humiliation]] and [[w:doubt|doubt]] and [[w:fear|fear]] have not gone away; nor has the anger and the bitterness of those years. <br> That anger may not get expressed in public, in front of white co-workers or white friends. But it does find voice in the barbershop, or the beauty shop, or around the kitchen table. At times, that anger is exploited by politicians, to gin up votes along racial lines, or to make up for a politician's own failing. And occasionally it finds voice in the church on Sunday morning, in the [[w:pulpit|pulpit]] and in the [[w:pew|pews]]. The fact that so many people are surprised to hear that anger in some of Reverend Wright's sermons simply reminds us of the old truism that '''the most segregated hour of American life occurs on Sunday morning.''' * It's a racial stalemate we've been stuck in for years. And contrary to the claims of some of my critics, black and white, I have never been so naïve as to believe that we can get beyond our racial divisions in a single election cycle, or with a single candidate - particularly a candidacy as imperfect as my own. <br> But I have asserted a firm conviction - a conviction rooted in my faith in God and my faith in the American people - that '''working together we can move beyond some of our old racial wounds, and''' that '''in fact we have no choice. We have no choice if we are to continue on the path of a more perfect union.''' * For the African-American community, that path means embracing the burdens of our past without becoming victims of our past. It means continuing to insist on a full measure of justice in every aspect of American life. But it also means binding our particular grievances - for better health care, and better schools, and better jobs - to the larger aspirations of all Americans: the white woman struggling to break the [[w:Glass ceiling|glass ceiling]], the white man who's been laid off, the immigrant trying to feed his family. And it means also taking full responsibility for our own lives - by demanding more from our fathers, and spending more time with our children, and reading to them, and teaching them that while they may face challenges and discrimination in their own lives, they must never succumb to despair or cynicism. They must always believe that they can write their own destiny. * In the white community, the path to a more perfect union means acknowledging that what ails the African-American community does not just exist in the minds of black people; that the legacy of discrimination - and current incidents of discrimination, while less overt than in the past - that these things are real and must be addressed. Not just with words, but with deeds by investing in our schools and our communities; by enforcing our civil rights laws and ensuring fairness in our criminal justice system; by providing this generation with ladders of opportunity that were unavailable for previous generations. It requires all Americans to realize that your dreams do not have to come at the expense of my dreams; that investing in the health, welfare, and education of black and brown and white children will ultimately help all of America prosper. * This union may never be perfect, but generation after generation has shown that it can always be perfected. And today, whenever I find myself feeling doubtful or cynical about this possibility, what gives me the most hope is the next generation — the young people whose attitudes and beliefs and openness to change have already made history in this election. * Ashley finishes her story and then goes around the room and asks everyone else why they're supporting the campaign. They all have different stories and reasons. Many bring up a specific issue. And finally they come to this elderly black man who's been sitting there quietly the entire time. And Ashley asks him why he's there. And he does not bring up a specific issue. He does not say health care or the economy. He does not say education or the war. He does not say that he was there because of Barack Obama. He simply says to everyone in the room, "I am here because of Ashley." <br> "I'm here because of Ashley." By itself, that single moment of recognition between that young white girl and that old black man is not enough. It is not enough to give health care to the sick, or jobs to the jobless, or education to our children. <br> But it is where we start. It is where our union grows stronger. And as so many generations have come to realize over the course of the two-hundred and twenty one years since a band of patriots signed that document in Philadelphia, that is where the perfection begins. ==== A World that Stands as One (July 2008) ==== :<small> [[s:Remarks of Senator Barack Obama: A World that Stands as One|Speech delivered in Berlin, Germany]] (24 July 2008)</small> [[File:Obama-2.jpg|thumb| The scale of our challenge is great. The road ahead will be long. But I come before you to say that we are heirs to a struggle for [[freedom]]. We are a people of improbable [[hope]]. With an eye toward the future, with resolve in our hearts, let us remember this history, and answer our destiny, and remake the world once again.]] * '''Partnership and cooperation among nations is not a choice; it is the one way, the only way, to protect our common security and advance our common humanity. That is why the greatest danger of all is to allow [[w:Berlin wall|new walls]] to divide us from one another.''' The walls between old allies on either side of the Atlantic cannot stand. The walls between the countries with the most and those with the least cannot stand. The walls between races and tribes; natives and immigrants; Christian and Muslim and Jew cannot stand. These now are the walls we must tear down. * History reminds us that walls can be torn down. But the task is never easy. '''True partnership and true progress requires constant work and sustained sacrifice. They require sharing the burdens of development and diplomacy; of progress and peace. They require allies who will listen to each other, learn from each other and, most of all, trust each other.''' * I know my country has not perfected itself. At times, we've struggled to keep [[w:United States Declaration of Independence|the promise of liberty and equality for all of our people]]. We've made our share of mistakes, and there are times when our actions around the world have not lived up to our best intentions. <br> But I also know how much I love America. I know that for more than two centuries, we have strived - at great cost and great sacrifice - to form [[w:Preamble_to_the_United_States_Constitution#To_form_a_more_perfect_Union|a more perfect union]]; to seek, with other nations, a more hopeful world. Our allegiance has never been to any particular tribe or kingdom - indeed, every language is spoken in our country; every culture has left its imprint on ours; every point of view is expressed in our public squares. What has always united us - what has always driven our people; what drew my father to America's shores - is a set of ideals that speak to '''aspirations shared by all people: that we can [[w:Four Freedoms|live free from fear and free from want]]; that we can [[w:Freedom of speech|speak our minds]] and [[w:Freedom of assembly|assemble with whomever we choose]] and [[w:Freedom of religion|worship as we please]].''' These are the aspirations that joined the fates of all nations in this city. '''These aspirations are bigger than anything that drives us apart.''' * People of Berlin — and people of the world — the scale of our challenge is great. The road ahead will be long. But I come before you to say that we are heirs to a struggle for [[freedom]]. '''We are a people of improbable [[hope]]. With an eye toward the future, with resolve in our hearts, let us remember this history, and answer our destiny, and remake the world once again.''' ==== Campaign speech (September 2008) ==== *I need you to go out there and talk to your friends and talk to your neighbors.<br>I want you to talk to 'em whether they're independent or whether they are Republican.<br>I want you to argue with 'em and get in their face and if they tell you 'well, we're not sure he stands on guns' I want you to say 'he believes in the second amendment'<br>If they tell you 'well he's gonna raise your taxes' you say 'no he's not he's gonna lower 'em'. You are my ambassadors. You guys are the ones who can make the case. **18 September 2008 [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCMDur9CDZ4&t=25 upload to YT] ==== Election victory speech (November 2008) ==== :<small> [[s:Barack Obama's election victory speech in Chicago|Victory speech in Grant Park, Chicago, Illinois (4 November 2008)]]</small> [[File:Obama08acceptance.jpg|thumb|If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.]] [[File:Barackobamaspeaks.jpg|thumb|In this country, we rise or fall as one nation, as one people. Let's resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long.]] * If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer&nbsp;... It's the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled. Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been just a collection of individuals or a collection of red states and blue states. <br> We are, and always will be, the United States of America. <br> It's the answer that led those who've been told for so long by so many to be cynical and fearful and doubtful about what we can achieve to put their hands on the arc of history and bend it once more toward the hope of a better day. <br> It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this date in this election at this defining moment, change has come to America. * I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to. It belongs to you. It belongs to you. <br> I was never the likeliest candidate for this office. We didn't start with much money or many endorsements. Our campaign was not hatched in the halls of Washington. It began in the backyards of Des Moines and the living rooms of Concord and the front porches of Charleston. It was built by working men and women who dug into what little savings they had to give $5 and $10 and $20 to the cause. <br> It grew strength from the young people who rejected the myth of their generation's apathy who left their homes and their families for jobs that offered little pay and less sleep. <br> It drew strength from the not-so-young people who braved the bitter cold and scorching heat to knock on doors of perfect strangers, and from the millions of Americans who volunteered and organized and proved that more than two centuries later a government of the people, by the people, and for the people has not perished from the Earth. <br> This is your victory. <br> And I know you didn't do this just to win an election. And I know you didn't do it for me. <br> You did it because you understand the enormity of the task that lies ahead. For even as we celebrate tonight, we know the challenges that tomorrow will bring are the greatest of our lifetime — two wars, a planet in peril, the worst financial crisis in a century. <br> Even as we stand here tonight, we know there are brave Americans waking up in the deserts of Iraq and the mountains of Afghanistan to risk their lives for us. * The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even in one term. But, America, I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. <br> I promise you, we as a people will get there. * There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won't agree with every decision or policy I make as president. And we know the government can't solve every problem. <br> But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree. * This victory alone is not the change we seek. It is only the chance for us to make that change. And that cannot happen if we go back to the way things were. <br> It can't happen without you, without a new spirit of service, a new spirit of sacrifice. <br> So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism, of responsibility, where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves but each other. * In this country, we rise or fall as one nation, as one people. Let's resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long. * To those who would tear the world down: We will defeat you. To those who seek peace and security: We support you. And to all those who have wondered if America's beacon still burns as bright: Tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity and unyielding hope. * This is our moment. This is our time, to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American Dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth, that, out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope. And where we are met with cynicism and doubts and those who tell us that we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes, we can. <br> Thank you. God bless you. And may God bless the United States of America. === 2009 === * Elections have consequences, and at the end of the day, I won. So I think on that one I trump you. ** To Eric Cantor<ref>https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/14/opinion/sunday/eric-cantor-what-the-obama-presidency-looked-like-to-the-opposition.html</ref> * Transparency and the rule of law will be the touchstones of this presidency. ** At the signing of executive orders on first full day as president, as reported in [http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/01/21/obama.business/index.html"Vowing transparency, Obama OKs ethics guidelines" at ''CNN.com'' (21 January 2009)] * Guantanamo will be closed no later than one year from now. ** [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/barackobama/4316784/Barack-Obama-signs-order-to-close-Guantnamo-Bay-prison-camp.html "Barack Obama signs order to close Guantánamo Bay prison camp", ''The Telegraph'' (22 January 2009)] * You can't just listen to Rush Limbaugh and get things done. ** In reference to an attack on him by [[Rush Limbaugh]] who declared that he hoped Barack Obama would fail as president. [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/barackobama/4331839/Barack-Obama-picks-a-fight-with-Rush-Limbaugh-as-bipartisan-spirit-crumbles.html "Barack Obama picks a fight with Rush Limbaugh as bipartisan spirit crumbles" in ''The Times'' (24 January 2009)] * Look, I'm at the start of my administration. One nice thing about the situation I find myself in is that '''I will be held accountable'''. You know, I've got four years. A year from now I think people are going to see that we're starting to make some progress. But there's still going to be some pain out there. '''If I don't have this done in three years, then there's going to be a one-term proposition.''' ** [http://cnsnews.com/news/article/flashback-obama-my-presidency-will-be-one-term-proposition-if-economy-doesnt-turn-3 FLASHBACK: Obama: My Presidency Will Be ‘A One-Term Proposition’ If Economy Doesn't Turn In 3 Years (1 February 2009)] * So we have a choice to make. We can once again let Washington's bad habits stand in the way of progress. Or we can pull together and say that in America, our destiny isn't written for us but by us. We can place good ideas ahead of old ideological battles, and a sense of purpose above the same narrow partisanship. We can act boldly to turn crisis into opportunity and, together, write the next great chapter in our history and meet the test of our time. ** [http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/02/04/AR2009020403174.html "The Action Americans Need" in ''The Washington Post'' (5 February 2009), p. A17] * Then you get the argument, "Well, this is not a stimulus bill, this is a spending bill." What do you think a stimulus is? That's the whole point! No, seriously, that's the point! ** Speech to Democrats in Virginia about the [[w:American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009|American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009]] (5 February 2009) - [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJDwbfbpRnQ&feature=related YouTube video] * So tonight, I ask every American to commit to at least one year or more of higher education or career training. This can be a community college or a four-year school, vocational training or an apprenticeship. But whatever the training may be, every American will need to get more than a high school diploma. ** First address to Congress (24 February 2009) * But while our economy may be weakened and our confidence shaken; though we are living through difficult and uncertain times, tonight I want every American to know this: '''We will rebuild, we will recover, and the United States of America will emerge stronger than before.''' ** First address to Congress (24 February 2009) *I've been practicing. I bowled a 129, It was like special olympics or something. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HOBTUCv4o0 The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, asked by Mr. Leno if he had been practicing bowling in his Washington Office] (March 2009) "YouTube" [[File:P112912PS-0444 - President Barack Obama and Mitt Romney in the Oval Office - crop.jpg|thumb|We have a choice. We can shape our future, or let events shape it for us. And if we want to succeed, we can't fall back on the stale debates and old divides that won't move us forward.]] [[File:Barack Obama with his niece Savita in the Oval Office.jpg|thumb|Don’t shortchange the future, because of fear in the present.]] * Our immediate task, however, is the critical work of confronting [[w:2008–2012 global recession|the economic crisis]]. As I've said, we've passed through an era of profound irresponsibility; now we cannot afford half-measures, and we cannot go back to the kind of risk-taking that leads to bubbles that inevitably bust. So '''we have a choice. We can shape our future, or let events shape it for us. And if we want to succeed, we can't fall back on the stale debates and old divides that won't move us forward.''' ** [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=85953&st=&st1= Barack Obama: "The President's News Conference With Prime Minister Gordon Brown of the Untied Kingdom in London, England," April 1, 2009. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project.] * '''Don’t shortchange the future, because of fear in the present.''' ** [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=85953&st=&st1= Barack Obama: "The President's News Conference With Prime Minister Gordon Brown of the Untied Kingdom in London, England," April 1, 2009. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project.] * I believe in American exceptionalism, just as I suspect that the Brits believe in British exceptionalism and the Greeks believe in Greek exceptionalism. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/news-conference-president-obama-4042009 News Conference By President Obama at Palaiz de la Musique et Des Congres in Strasbourg, France] (4 April 2009) * [[Manmohan Singh]] is a wise, wonderful man. ** On Manmohan Singh, (4 April 2009)[http://articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/2009-04-04/india/28002745_1_obama-climate-change-wonderful-man] * I've said before that one of the great strengths of the United States is--'''although''', as I mentioned, '''we have a very large Christian population, we do not consider ourselves a Christian nation or a Jewish nation or a Muslim nation; we consider ourselves a nation of citizens who are bound by ideals and a set of values.''' ** [[Barack Obama]]: [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=85974&st=&st1= "The President's News Conference With President Abdullah Gul of Turkey in Ankara, Turkey," April 6, 2009. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project.] [[File:Istanbul,_Hagia_Sophia,_Allah.jpg|thumbnail|We will convey our deep appreciation for the Islamic faith, which has done so much over the centuries to shape the world – including in my own country.]] * We will convey our deep appreciation for the Islamic faith, which has done so much over the centuries to shape the world – including in my own country. The United States has been enriched by Muslim Americans. Many other Americans have Muslims in their families or have lived in a Muslim-majority country – I know, because I am one of them. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the_press_office/Remarks-By-President-Obama-To-The-Turkish-Parliament Remarks by President Obama to the Turkish Parliament] (April 6, 2009) * Now, before I begin, I'd just like to clear the air about that little controversy everybody was talking about a few weeks back. I have to tell you, I really thought this was much ado about nothing, but I do think we all learned an important lesson. I learned never again to pick another team over the Sun Devils in my NCAA brackets. It won't happen again. President Crow and the board of regents will soon learn all about being audited by the IRS. ** [http://www.gpo.gov/fdsys/pkg/DCPD-200900360/html/DCPD-200900360.htm Commencement Address at Arizona State University in Tempe, Arizona] (13 May 2009) * If you actually took the number of Muslims Americans, we'd be one of the largest Muslim countries in the world. ** Interview with Laura Haim, [[w:Canal+|Canal Plus]], France.[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the_press_office/Transcript-of-the-Interview-of-the-President-by-Laura-Haim-Canal-Plus-6-1-09/], White House Library (1 June 2009) * If you like the plan you have, you can keep it. If you like the doctor you have, you can keep your doctor, too. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the_press_office/WEEKLY-ADDRESS-President-Obama-Outlines-Goals-for-Health-Care-Reform/ President's weekly address (6 June 2009)] *<p>But what we can do is make sure that at least some of the waste that exists in the system that's not making anybody's mom better, that is loading up on additional tests or additional drugs that the evidence shows is not necessarily going to improve care, that at least we can let doctors know and your mom know, that you know what, maybe this isn't going to help, maybe you're better off not having the surgery, but taking the painkiller.</p><p>And those kinds of decisions between doctors and patients, and making sure that our incentives are not preventing those good decisions and that the doctors and hospitals all are aligned for patient care — that's something we can achieve.</p> ** {{citation |date=2009-06-24 |title=Questions for the President: Prescription for America |publisher=ABC News |medium=TV |url=http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/HealthCare/story?id=7920012 }}<!--also at: http://www.whitehouse.gov/the_press_office/Remarks-By-The-President-In-ABC-Prescription-For-America-Town-Hall-On-Health-Care-6-24-09--> [[File:Barack Obama after speaking to Parliament of Ghana 2009-07-11.jpg|thumb|No person wants to live in a society where the rule of law gives way to the rule of brutality and bribery. This—that is not democracy; that is tyranny, even if occasionally you sprinkle an election in there. [...] The essential truth of democracy is that each nation determines its own destiny.]] [[File:Barack Obama in Cape Coast Castle.jpg|thumb|While the future is unknowable, the winds always blow in the direction of human progress.]] * As I said in Cairo, '''each nation gives life to democracy in its own way and in line with its own traditions. But history offers a clear verdict: Governments that respect the will of their own people, that govern by consent, and not coercion, are more prosperous, they are more stable, and more successful than governments that do not.''' This is about more than just holding elections; it's also about what happens between elections. Repression can take many forms, and too many nations, even those that have elections, are plagued by problems that condemn their people to poverty. And '''no country is going to create wealth if its leaders exploit the economy to enrich themselves''', or if police can be bought off by drug traffickers. No business wants to invest in a place where the government skims 20 percent off the top, or the head of the port authority is corrupt. '''No person wants to live in a society where the rule of law gives way to the rule of brutality and bribery. This—that is not [[democracy]]; that is [[tyranny]], even if occasionally you sprinkle an election in there.''' And now is the time for that style of governance to end. In the 21st century, '''capable, reliable, and transparent institutions are the key to success: strong Parliaments; honest police forces; independent judges; an independent press; a vibrant private sector; a civil society. Those are the things that give life to democracy, because that is what matters in people's everyday lives.''' ** [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=86395&st=&st1= Barack Obama: "Address to the Ghanaian Parliament in Accra, Ghana," July 11, 2009. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project.] * Now, make no mistake: History is on the side of these brave Africans, not with those who use coups or change constitutions to stay in power. Africa doesn't need strongmen; it needs strong institutions. Now, America will not seek to impose any system of government on any other nation. '''The essential truth of [[democracy]] is that each nation determines its own destiny.''' ** [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=86395&st=&st1= Barack Obama: "Address to the Ghanaian Parliament in Accra, Ghana," July 11, 2009. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project.] * We toured [[w:Cape Coast Castle|Cape Coast Castle]], a place for centuries where men, women, and children of this nation and surrounding areas were sold into slavery. I'll never forget the image of my two young daughters, the descendants of Africans and African Americans, walking through those doors of no return, but then walking back those doors of return. It was a remarkable reminder that '''while the future is unknowable, the winds always blow in the direction of human progress.''' ** [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=86393&st=&st1= Barack Obama: "Remarks Prior to Departure from Accra, Ghana," July 11, 2009. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project.] * My administration has a job to do as well. That job is to get this economy back on its feet. That's my job, and it's a job I gladly accept. I love these folks who helped get us in this mess and then suddenly say, "Well this is Obama's economy." That's fine. '''GIVE IT TO ME'''. My job is to solve problems, not to stand on the sidelines and carp and gripe. So, I welcome the job. I want the responsibility. ** [http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=CQBSTomBWls President Obama, July 14, 2009] * Now, I don't know, not having been there and not seeing all the facts, what role race played in that. But I think it's fair to say, number one, any of us would be pretty angry; number two, that '''the Cambridge police acted stupidly''' in arresting somebody when there was already proof that they were in their own home; and, number three, what I think we know separate and apart from this incident is that '''there's a long history in this country of African-Americans and Latinos being stopped by law enforcement disproportionately. That's just a fact.''' ** [http://www.boston.com/news/politics/politicalintelligence/2009/07/obama_cambridge.html Press conference] addressing [[w:Henry Louis Gates arrest controversy|Henry Louis Gates's arrest by the Cambridge, MA police]]. (22 July 2009) * These rituals remind us of the principles that we hold in common, and Islam’s role in advancing justice, progress, tolerance, and the dignity of all human beings. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the_press_office/Remarks-of-President-Barack-Obama-in-Ramadan-Message Ramadan Message] Washington, DC (21 August 2009) * We must remember that the greatest price of this conflict is not paid by us. It is paid by the Israeli girl in Sderot who closes her eyes in fear that a rocker will take her life in the night. It is paid by he Palestinian boy in Gaza who has no clean water and no country to call his own. These are God's children. And after all of the politics and all of the posturing, this is about the right of every human being to live with dignity and security. This is a lesson embedded in the three great faiths that call one small slice of Earth the Holy Land. ** [http://un.org/ga/64/generaldebate/pdf/US_en.pdf United Nations, General Debate of the 64th Session (2009), United States of America, H.E. Mr. Barack Obama, President p. 6], (23 September 2009) * '''Democracy cannot be imposed on any nation from the outside. Each society must search for its own path, and no path is perfect.''' ** [http://un.org/ga/64/generaldebate/pdf/US_en.pdf United Nations, General Debate of the 64th Session (2009), United States of America, H.E. Mr. Barack Obama, President p. 6], 23 September 2009 * Responsibility and leadership in the 21st century demand more. In an era when our destiny is shared, power is no longer a zero sum game. No one nation can or should try to dominate another nation. No world order that elevates one nation or group of people over another will succeed. No balance of power among nations will hold. ** [http://www.scpr.org/news/2009/09/23/transcript-obama-urges-nations-step/ Speech on global challenges] at the [[w:United Nations|United Nations]] (27 September 2009) * After I received the news, Malia walked in and said, "Daddy, you won the Nobel Peace Prize, and it is Bo's birthday!" And then Sasha added, "Plus, we have a three-day weekend coming up." So it's good to have kids to keep things in perspective. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the_press_office/Remarks-by-the-President-on-Winning-the-Nobel-Peace-Prize/ Remarks by the President on winning the Nobel Peace Prize (9 October 2009)] * I am both surprised and deeply humbled by the decision of the Nobel Committee. Let me be clear: I do not view it as a recognition of my own accomplishments, but rather as an affirmation of American leadership on behalf of aspirations held by people in all nations. <br> To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who've been honored by this prize — men and women who've inspired me and inspired the entire world through their courageous pursuit of peace. <br> But I also know that this prize reflects the kind of world that those men and women, and all Americans, want to build — a world that gives life to the promise of our founding documents. And I know that throughout history, the Nobel Peace Prize has not just been used to honor specific achievement; it's also been used as a means to give momentum to a set of causes. And that is why I will accept this award as a call to action — a call for all nations to confront the common challenges of the 21st century. ** Remarks by the President on winning the Nobel Peace Prize" (9 October 2009) * Some of the work confronting us will not be completed during my presidency. Some, like the elimination of nuclear weapons, may not be completed in my lifetime. But I know these challenges can be met so long as it's recognized that they will not be met by one person or one nation alone. This award is not simply about the efforts of my administration — it's about the courageous efforts of people around the world. ** Remarks by the President on winning the Nobel Peace Prize" (9 October 2009) * Now, what I do reject is when folks just sit on the sidelines and they're rooting for failure — whether it's on health care or energy or the economy — or the Olympics. [..] What I reject is when scoring political points is so important that you'd rather see failure. What I reject is when some folks want to go to the policies that helped get us into this mess in the first place — as if we don't remember. [..] We don't mind cleaning up the mess that was left for us. We're busy, we got our mops, we're, you know, mopping the floor here. But I don't want the folks who made the mess to just sit there and say, you're not mopping fast enough. I don't — I don't want them saying, you're not holding the mop the right way, or, that's a socialist mop. I want them to grab a mop. Grab a mop. Grab a mop — or a broom or something. Make yourself useful. ** Remarks at [[w:Chris Dodd|Chris Dodd]] fundraiser in [[w:Stamford, CT|Stamford, CT]]. [http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704224004574489530713762884.html] * As America’s first Pacific president, I promise you that this Pacific nation will strengthen and sustain our leadership in this vitally important part of the world. ** Tokyo, Japan, November 13, 2009. [http://www.politico.com/news/stories/1109/29511.html] ==== First Inaugural Address (January 2009) ==== :<small>Delivered on January 20, 2009, in [[Washington, D.C.]]. [[s:Barack_Obama%27s_Inaugural_Address|Full text at Wikisource]]</small> [[File:US Navy 090120-G-3550N-106 Members of the Navy Ceremonial Honor Guard conduct a pass in review for President Barack Obama and Vice-President Joseph Biden at the U.S. Capitol during the 56th Presidential Inauguration.jpg|thumb|America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forbearers, and true to our founding documents. So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.]] [[File:US President Barack Obama taking his Oath of Office - 2009Jan20.jpg|thumb|Greatness is never a given. It must be earned.]] [[File:Obama family after inaugural address 1-20-09 hires 090120-F-3961R-968.jpg|thumb|Our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. [...] our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.]] [[File:Crowd at National Mall for Obama inauguration 1-20-09 hires 090120-F-6184M-007a.jpg|thumb|As much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies.]] [[File:Crowd on US Capitol West Lawn 1-20-09 hires 090120-F-9059M-455a.jpg|thumb|Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends — hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism — these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history.]] * Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, '''America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forbearers, and true to our founding documents. So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.''' * Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. <br> They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America — they will be met. On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord. <br> On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics. * '''We remain a young nation, but in the words of [[The Bible|Scripture]], [[Bible#1_Corinthians_13|the time has come to set aside childish things]]. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: [[United States Declaration of Independence|the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.]]'''. * In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that '''greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of short-cuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted — for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things — some celebrated but more often men and women obscure in their labor, who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and [[freedom]].''' [...] Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction. * We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions — that time has surely passed. '''Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.''' * For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act — not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do. * Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions — who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage. * What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them — that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. '''The question we ask today is not whether our government is too [[w:Big government|big]] or too [[w:Small government|small]], but whether it works — whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified.''' Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. *Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account—to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day—because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government. * Nor is the question before us whether '''the market is a force for good''' or ill. '''Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but''' [[w:Great Recession|this crisis]] has reminded us that '''without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control — and''' that '''a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our [[w:Gross Domestic Product|Gross Domestic Product]], but on [[w:Income inequality in the United States|the reach of our prosperity]]; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart — not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.''' * '''As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our [[w:Founding Fathers of the United States|Founding Fathers]], faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted [[United States Constitution|a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man]], a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.''' * '''Recall that earlier generations faced down [[w:Facism|fascism]] and [[w:Communism|communism]] not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions.''' They understood that '''our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please.''' Instead, they knew that '''our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.''' * '''We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you. <br> For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of [[Christianity|Christians]] and [[Islam|Muslims]], [[Judaism|Jews]] and [[Hinduism|Hindus]] — and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of [[peace]].''' * '''To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West — know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.''' * We can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For '''the world has changed, and we must change with it.''' * As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave [[w:Iraq War|Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts]] and [[w:War in Afghanistan (2001–present)|distant mountains]]. They have something to tell us today, just as the [[w:Arlington National Cemetery|fallen heroes who lie in Arlington]] whisper through the ages. <br> We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment — a moment that will define a generation — it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all. <br> For '''as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies.''' * '''Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends — hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism — these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility — a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.''' * '''With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.''' ==== [[w:A World without Nuclear Weapons|A World without Nuclear Weapons]] (April 2009) ==== :<small> Delivered on April 5, 2009 at [[w:Hradčany|Hradcany Square]] in [[w:Prague|Prague]], [[w:Czech Republic|Czech Republic]]. [[s:Barack Obama's speech announcing the goal of Total Nuclear Disarmament|Full text at Wikisource]]</small> [[File:Barack Obama looks at the moon and Venus.jpg|thumb|Human destiny will be what we make of it. [...] Let us honor our past by reaching for a better future. Let us bridge our divisions, build upon our hopes, accept our responsibility to leave this world more prosperous and more peaceful than we found it. Together we can do it.]] * We're here today because of the courage of those who stood up, and took risks, to say that '''[[freedom]] is a right for all people, no matter what side of a wall they live on, and no matter what they look like.''' We are here today because of the [[w:Prague Spring|Prague Spring]] -- because the simple and principled pursuit of liberty and opportunity shamed those who relied on the power of tanks and arms to put down the will of a people. We are here today because 20 years ago, the people of this city, took to the streets to claim the promise of a new day, and the [[w:History of Czechoslovakia (1948–1989)|fundamental human rights that had been denied them for far too long]]. ''Sametová Revoluce''--the [[w:Velvet Revolution|Velvet Revolution]] taught us many things. It showed us that [[w:Revolutions of 1989#Czechoslovakia|peaceful protest could shake the foundations of an empire]] and expose [[w:Communism|the emptiness of an ideology]]. It showed us that [[w:Revolutions_of_1989|small countries can play a pivotal role in world events]] and that [[w:Cold War#Final_years_.281985.E2.80.9391.29|young people can lead the way in overcoming old conflicts]]. And it proved that '''moral leadership is more powerful than any weapon.''' * None of these challenges can be solved quickly or easily. But all of them demand that we listen to one another and work together; that we focus on our common interests, not on occasional differences; and that we reaffirm our shared values, which are stronger than any force that could drive us apart. That is the work that we must carry on. * Now, I know that there are some who will question whether we can act on such a broad agenda. There are those who doubt whether true international cooperation is possible, given inevitable differences among nations. And there are those who hear talk of a world without nuclear weapons and doubt whether it's worth setting a goal that seems impossible to achieve. <br> But make no mistake: We know where that road leads. '''When nations and peoples allow themselves to be defined by their differences, the gulf between them widens. When we fail to pursue [[peace]], then it stays forever beyond our grasp. We know the path when we choose fear over hope. To denounce or shrug off a call for cooperation is an easy but also a cowardly thing to do. That's how [[war]]s begin. That's where human progress ends.''' * '''There is violence and injustice in our world that must be confronted. We must confront it not by splitting apart but by standing together as free nations, as free people. I know that a call to arms can stir the souls of men and women more than a call to lay them down. But that is why the voices for peace and progress must be raised together.''' * '''Human destiny will be what we make of it.''' And here in Prague, '''let us honor our past by reaching for a better future. Let us bridge our divisions, build upon our hopes, accept our responsibility to leave this world more prosperous and more peaceful than we found it. Together we can do it.''' ==== [[w:A New Beginning|A New Beginning]] (June 2009) ==== :<small> [[w:Cairo University|Cairo University]], [[w:Cairo|Cairo]], [[w:Egypt|Egypt]] (4 June 2009), [[s:A New Beginning|Full text at Wikisource]]</small> [[File:Barack Obama at Cairo University cropped.jpg|thumb|The interests we share as human beings are far more powerful than the forces that drive us apart. [...] If we choose to be bound by the past, we will never move forward.]] [[File:Poor mother and children, Oklahoma, 1936 by Dorothea Lange.jpg|thumb|No development strategy can be based only upon what comes out of the ground, nor can it be sustained while young people are out of work.]] [[File:Barack Obama speaks in Cairo, Egypt 06-04-09.jpg|thumb|Suppressing ideas never succeeds in making them go away.]] [[File:Obama family in mist in Rio de Janeiro.jpg|thumb|People in every country should be free to choose and live their faith based upon the persuasion of the mind, and the heart, and the soul. This tolerance is essential for religion to thrive [...].]] [[File:Face paint girls.jpg|thumb|A woman who is denied an education is denied equality. [...] Our daughters can contribute just as much to society as our sons. Our common prosperity will be advanced by allowing all humanity - men and women - to reach their full potential.]] [[File:The Earth seen from Apollo 17.jpg|thumb|All of us share this world for but a brief moment in time. The question is whether we spend that time focused on what pushes us apart, or whether we commit ourselves to an effort - a sustained effort - to find common ground, to focus on the future we seek for our children, and to respect the dignity of all human beings.]] * '''So long as our relationship is defined by our differences, we will empower those who sow hatred rather than peace, those who promote conflict rather than the co-operation that can help all of our people achieve justice and prosperity. This cycle of suspicion and discord must end.''' * I have come here to Cairo to seek a new beginning between the [[United States]] and [[Muslim]]s around the world; one based upon mutual interest and mutual respect; and one based upon the truth that America and Islam are not exclusive, and need not be in competition. Instead, they overlap, and share common principles - principles of [[justice]] and [[progress]]; [[tolerance]] and the [[dignity]] of all human beings. * I am convinced that '''in order to move forward, we must say openly to each other the things we hold in our [[heart]]s, and that too often are said only behind closed doors. There must be a sustained effort to listen to each other; to learn from each other; to respect one another; and to seek common ground.''' * As the Holy [[Koran]] tells us: "Be conscious of [[God]] and speak always the [[truth]]." That is what I will try to do today - to speak the truth as best I can, humbled by the task before us, and firm in my belief that '''the interests we share as human beings are far more powerful than the forces that drive us apart.''' [[File:Men reading the Koran in Umayyad Mosque, Damascus, Syria.jpg|thumbnail|As a student of history, I also know civilization's debt to Islam.]] * As a student of history, I also know civilization's debt to Islam. * Throughout history, Islam has demonstrated through words and deeds the possibilities of religious tolerance and racial equality. [[File:Barack Obama at Cairo University.jpg|thumbnail|Islam has always been a part of America's story.]] * Islam has always been a part of America's story. * '''So I have known Islam on three continents before coming to the region where it was first [[revealed]].''' That experience guides my conviction that partnership between America and Islam must be based on what Islam is, not what it isn't. And I consider it part of my responsibility as President of the United States to fight against negative stereotypes of Islam wherever they appear. * Of course, '''recognising our common humanity is only the beginning of our task. Words alone cannot meet the needs of our people. These needs will be met only if we act boldly in the years ahead; and if we understand that the challenges we face are shared, and our failure to meet them will hurt us all.''' * I believe that America holds within her the truth that regardless of race, [[religion]], or station in life, '''all of us share common aspirations - to live in [[peace]] and security; to get an education and to work with dignity; to love our families, our communities, and our God. These things we share. This is the hope of all humanity.''' * '''Given our interdependence, any [[world]] order that elevates one nation or group of people over another will inevitably fail. So whatever we think of the [[past]], we must not be prisoners to it. Our problems must be dealt with through partnership; progress must be shared.''' * Islam is not part of the problem in combating violent extremism; it is an important part of promoting peace. * '''For peace to come, it is time for''' them - and '''all of us''' - '''to live up to our responsibilities.''' * Around the world, the [[w:Persecution of Jews|Jewish people were persecuted for centuries]], and [[w:Antisemitism|anti-Semitism]] in [[w:Christianity and antisemitism|Europe]] culminated in an unprecedented [[w:The Holocaust|Holocaust]]. Tomorrow, I will visit [[w:Buchenwald concentration camp|Buchenwald]], which was part of a network of camps where [[w:Jews|Jews]] were enslaved, tortured, shot and gassed to death by the [[w:Nazi Germany|Third Reich]]. Six million Jews were killed -- more than the entire Jewish population of Israel today. Denying that fact is baseless, it is ignorant, and it is hateful. '''Threatening [[Israel]] with destruction or repeating vile stereotypes about Jews is deeply wrong, and only serves to evoke in the minds of Israelis this most painful of memories, while preventing the peace that the people of this region deserve. On the other hand, it is also undeniable that the [[w:Palestinian people|Palestinian people]] -- [[w:Muslims|Muslims]] and [[w:Christians|Christians]] -- have suffered in pursuit of a homeland.''' For more than sixty years they have endured the pain of dislocation. Many wait in refugee camps in the West Bank, Gaza, and neighboring lands for a life of peace and security that they have never been able to lead. They endure the daily humiliations large and small that come with [[w: Israeli Occupation of Palestine|occupation]]. So let there be no doubt: '''the situation for the Palestinian people is intolerable.''' * '''[[Resistance]] through violence and killing is wrong and does not succeed.''' For centuries, [[w:Slavery in the United States|black people in America suffered the lash of the whip as slaves]] and [[w:Racial segregation in the United States|the humiliation of segregation]]. But it was not violence that won full and equal rights. It was [[w:African-American Civil Rights Movement (1955–1968)|a peaceful and determined insistence]] upon [[United States Declaration of Independence|the ideals at the centre of America's founding]]. This same story can be told by people from [[w:Internal resistance to South African apartheid|South Africa]] to [[w:People Power Revolution|South Asia]]; from [[w:Revolutions of 1989|Eastern Europe]] to [[w:Fall of Suharto|Indonesia]]. It's a story with a simple truth: '''[[violence]] is a dead end. It is a sign of neither courage nor power to shoot rockets at sleeping children, or to blow up old women on a bus. That is not how moral authority is claimed; that is how it is surrendered.''' * I know there has been controversy about the [[w:American democracy promotion in the Middle East and North Africa|promotion of democracy in recent years]], and much of this controversy is connected to the [[w:Iraq war |war in Iraq]]. So let me be clear: '''no system of government can or should be imposed upon one nation by any other.''' <br> That does not lessen my commitment, however, to governments that reflect the will of the people. Each nation gives life to this principle in its own way, grounded in the traditions of its own people. America does not presume to know what is best for everyone, just as we would not presume to pick the outcome of a peaceful election. But I do have an unyielding belief that '''all people yearn for certain things: the ability to speak your mind and have a say in how you are governed; confidence in the rule of law and the equal administration of justice; government that is transparent and doesn't steal from the people; the freedom to live as you choose. Those are not just American ideas, they are human rights''', and that is why we will support them everywhere. <br> Now, there is no straight line to realise this promise. But this much is clear: '''governments that protect these rights are ultimately more stable, successful and secure.''' * '''Suppressing ideas never succeeds in making them go away.''' America respects the right of all peaceful and law-abiding voices to be heard around the world, even if we disagree with them. And we will welcome all elected, peaceful governments - provided they govern with respect for all their people. <br> This last point is important because there are some who advocate for democracy only when they are out of power; once in power, they are ruthless in suppressing the rights of others. No matter where it takes hold, [[Abraham_Lincoln#The_Gettysburg_Address_.281863.29|government of the people and by the people]] sets a single standard for all who hold power: '''you must maintain your power through consent, not coercion; you must respect the rights of minorities, and participate with a spirit of tolerance and compromise; you must place the interests of your people and the legitimate workings of the political process above your party. Without these ingredients, elections alone do not make true [[democracy]].''' [[File:President Barack Obama speaks in Cairo, Egypt 06-04-09.jpg|thumbnail|Islam has a proud tradition of tolerance.]] * Islam has a proud tradition of tolerance. * '''People in every country should be free to choose and live their faith based upon the persuasion of the mind, and the heart, and the soul. This tolerance is essential for religion to thrive''', but it is being challenged in many different ways. […] '''[[Freedom of religion]] is central to the ability of peoples to live together.''' * We cannot disguise hostility towards any [[religion]] behind the pretence of liberalism. * '''A woman who is denied an education is denied equality.''' * I am convinced that '''our daughters can contribute just as much to society as our sons. Our common prosperity will be advanced by allowing all humanity - men and women - to reach their full potential. I do not believe that women must make the same choices as men in order to be equal''', and I respect those women who choose to live their lives in traditional roles. '''But it should be their choice.''' * The face of globalisation is contradictory. The internet and television can bring knowledge and information, but also offensive sexuality and mindless violence into the home. Trade can bring new wealth and opportunities, but also huge disruptions and change to communities. In all nations - including America - this change can bring fear. Fear that because of modernity we will lose of control over our economic choices, our politics, and most importantly our identities - those things we most cherish about our communities, our families, our traditions, and our faith. But I also know that human progress cannot be denied. There need not be contradictions between development and tradition. * In ancient times and in our times, Muslim communities have been at the forefront of innovation and education. * '''No development strategy can be based only upon what comes out of the ground, nor can it be sustained while young people are out of work.''' * '''All of us must recognise that education and innovation will be the currency of the 21st Century.''' * We will encourage more Americans to study in Muslim communities. * '''I know there are many - Muslim and non-Muslim - who question whether we can forge this new beginning. Some are eager to stoke the flames of division, and to stand in the way of progress. Some suggest that it isn't worth the effort - that we are fated to disagree, and civilisations are doomed to clash. Many more are simply sceptical that real change can occur. There is so much fear, so much mistrust that has build up over the years. But if we choose to be bound by the past, we will never move forward.''' And I want to particularly say '''this''' to '''young people of every faith, in every country''' - you, '''more than anyone, have the ability to reimagine the world, to remake this world.''' * '''All of us share this world for but a brief moment in time. The question is whether we spend that time focused on what pushes us apart, or whether we commit ourselves to an effort - a sustained effort - to find common ground, to focus on the future we seek for our children, and to respect the dignity of all human beings.''' * It's easier to start [[war]]s than to end them. It is easier to blame others than to look inward. It is easier to see what is different about someone than to find the things we share. But we should choose the right path, not just the easy path. '''There is [[w:Golden Rule|one rule]] that lies at the heart of every religion: that we do unto others as we would have them do unto us. This truth transcends nations and peoples''', a belief that isn't new; that isn't black or white or brown; that isn't Christian, or Muslim or Jew. '''It's a belief that pulsed in the cradle of civilization, and that still beats in the heart of billions around the world. It's a faith in other people''', and it's what brought me here today. * '''We have the power to make the world we seek, but only if we have the courage to make a new beginning''', keeping in mind what has been written. :The Holy [[Koran]] tells us, "O mankind! We have created you male and a female; and we have made you into nations and tribes so that you may know one another." :The [[Talmud]] tells us, "The whole of the Torah is for the purpose of promoting peace." :The Holy [[Bible]] tells us, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God." * '''The people of the world can live together in peace. We know that is God's vision. Now, that must be our work here on [[Earth]].''' ==== School speech (September 2009) ==== * But at the end of the day, we can have the most dedicated teachers, the most supportive parents, and the best schools in the world – and none of it will matter unless all of you fulfill your responsibilities. Unless you show up to those schools; pay attention to those teachers; listen to your parents, grandparents and other adults; and put in the hard work it takes to succeed. ** Arlington, Virginia September 8, 2009 ==== Town Hall meeting in Shanghai (November 2009) ==== * Well, first of all, let me say that I have never used Twitter. I noticed that young people — they're very busy with all these electronics. My thumbs are too clumsy to type in things on the phone. But I am a big believer in technology and I'm a big believer in openness when it comes to the flow of information. I think that the more freely information flows, the stronger the society becomes, because then citizens of countries around the world can hold their own governments accountable. They can begin to think for themselves. That generates new ideas. It encourages creativity. And so I've always been a strong supporter of open Internet use. I'm a big supporter of non-censorship. ** Interview in Shanghai, as quoted in [http://learning.sohu.com/20091118/n268291186.shtml ''China Daily'' (17 November 2009) * I can tell you that in the United States, the fact that we have free Internet — or unrestricted Internet access is a source of strength, and I think should be encouraged. Now, I should tell you, I should be honest, as President of the United States, there are times where I wish information didn't flow so freely because then I wouldn't have to listen to people criticizing me all the time. I think people naturally are — when they're in positions of power sometimes thinks, oh, how could that person say that about me, or that's irresponsible, or — but the truth is that because in the United States information is free, and I have a lot of critics in the United States who can say all kinds of things about me, I actually think that that makes our democracy stronger and it makes me a better leader because it forces me to hear opinions that I don't want to hear. It forces me to examine what I'm doing on a day-to-day basis to see, am I really doing the very best that I could be doing for the people of the United States. And I think the Internet has become an even more powerful tool for that kind of citizen participation. ** Interview in Shanghai, as quoted in ''China Daily'' (17 November 2009) ==== Nobel Prize acceptance speech (December 2009) ==== [[File:Gandhi smiling 1942.jpg|thumb|I am living testimony to the moral force of non-violence. I know there's nothing weak — nothing passive — nothing naïve — in the creed and lives of [[Mahatma Gandhi|Gandhi]] and King.]] [[File:NATO flag.svg|thumb|The belief that peace is desirable is rarely enough to achieve it. Peace requires responsibility. Peace entails sacrifice. That's why NATO continues to be indispensable.]] [[File:Flag of the United Nations.svg|thumb|We must strengthen U.N. and regional peacekeeping, and not leave the task to a few countries.]] [[File:Martin Luther King Jr NYWTS.jpg|thumb|The non-violence practiced by men like Gandhi and [[Martin Luther King, Jr.|King]] may not have been practical or possible in every circumstance, but the love that they preached — their fundamental faith in human progress — that must always be the North Star that guides us on our journey.]] [[File:President Barack Obama reads over his remarks regarding the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize.jpg|thumb| Clear-eyed, we can understand that there will be war, and still strive for peace. We can do that — for that is the story of human progress; that's the hope of all the world; and at this moment of challenge, that must be our work here on Earth.]] :<small>[http://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/11/world/europe/11prexy.text.html?_r=1&pagewanted=all Address in Oslo, Norway (9 December 2009)]</small> * '''I receive this honor with deep gratitude and great humility. It is an award that speaks to our highest aspirations — that for all the cruelty and hardship of our world, we are not mere prisoners of fate. Our actions matter, and can bend history in the direction of justice.''' <br> And yet I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge the considerable controversy that your generous decision has generated. In part, this is because I am at the beginning, and not the end, of my labors on the world stage. Compared to some of the giants of history who've received this prize — [[Albert Schweitzer |Schweitzer]] and [[Martin Luther King, Jr.|King]]; [[George Marshall|Marshall]] and [[Nelson Mandela|Mandela]] — my accomplishments are slight. And then there are the men and women around the world who have been jailed and beaten in the pursuit of justice; those who toil in humanitarian organizations to relieve suffering; the unrecognized millions whose quiet acts of courage and compassion inspire even the most hardened cynics. I cannot argue with those who find these men and women — some known, some obscure to all but those they help — to be far more deserving of this honor than I. <br> But perhaps the most profound issue surrounding my receipt of this prize is the fact that I am the Commander-in-Chief of the military of a nation in the midst of two wars. One of these wars is winding down. The other is a conflict that America did not seek; one in which we are joined by 42 other countries — including Norway — in an effort to defend ourselves and all nations from further attacks. <br> Still, we are at war, and I'm responsible for the deployment of thousands of young Americans to battle in a distant land. Some will kill, and some will be killed. And so I come here with an acute sense of the costs of armed conflict — filled with difficult questions about the relationship between war and peace, and our effort to replace one with the other. * Terrorism has long been a tactic, but modern technology allows a few small men with outsized rage to murder innocents on a horrific scale. * In today's wars, many more civilians are killed than soldiers; the seeds of future conflict are sown, economies are wrecked, civil societies torn asunder, refugees amassed, children scarred. <br> I do not bring with me today a definitive solution to the problems of war. What I do know is that meeting these challenges will require the same vision, hard work, and persistence of those men and women who acted so boldly decades ago. And it will require us to think in new ways about the notions of just war and the imperatives of a just peace. <br> '''We must begin by acknowledging the hard truth: We will not eradicate violent conflict in our lifetimes. There will be times when nations — acting individually or in concert — will find the use of force not only necessary but morally justified.''' <br> I make this statement mindful of what Martin Luther King Jr. said in this same ceremony years ago: "Violence never brings permanent peace. It solves no social problem: it merely creates new and more complicated ones." '''As someone who stands here as a direct consequence of Dr. King's life work, I am living testimony to the moral force of non-violence. I know there's nothing weak — nothing passive — nothing naïve — in the creed and lives of [[Mahatma Gandhi|Gandhi]] and King.''' <br> But as a head of state sworn to protect and defend my nation, I cannot be guided by their examples alone. I face the world as it is, and cannot stand idle in the face of threats to the American people. For make no mistake: '''Evil does exist in the world. A non-violent movement could not have halted [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]]'s armies. [[Negotiations]] cannot convince al Qaeda's leaders to lay down their arms. To say that force may sometimes be necessary is not a call to cynicism — it is a recognition of history; the imperfections of man and the limits of reason.''' * '''The world must remember that it was not simply international institutions — not just treaties and declarations — that brought stability to a post-World War II world. Whatever mistakes we have made, the plain fact is this: The United States of America has helped underwrite global security for more than six decades with the blood of our citizens and the strength of our arms.''' The service and sacrifice of our men and women in uniform has promoted peace and prosperity from Germany to Korea, and enabled democracy to take hold in places like the Balkans. We have borne this burden not because we seek to impose our will. We have done so out of enlightened self-interest — because we seek a better future for our children and grandchildren, and we believe that their lives will be better if others' children and grandchildren can live in freedom and prosperity. <br> So yes, the instruments of war do have a role to play in preserving the peace. And yet this truth must coexist with another — that no matter how justified, war promises human tragedy. The soldier's courage and sacrifice is full of glory, expressing devotion to country, to cause, to comrades in arms. '''But war itself is never glorious, and we must never trumpet it as such.''' * '''I believe that all nations — strong and weak alike — must adhere to standards that govern the use of force.''' I — like any head of state — reserve the right to act unilaterally if necessary to defend my nation. Nevertheless, I am convinced that adhering to standards, international standards, strengthens those who do, and isolates and weakens those who don't. * More and more, we all confront difficult questions about how to prevent the slaughter of civilians by their own government, or to stop a civil war whose violence and suffering can engulf an entire region. <br> I believe that force can be justified on humanitarian grounds, as it was in the Balkans, or in other places that have been scarred by war. Inaction tears at our conscience and can lead to more costly intervention later. That's why all responsible nations must embrace the role that militaries with a clear mandate can play to keep the peace. * '''I understand why war is not popular, but I also know this: The belief that peace is desirable is rarely enough to achieve it. Peace requires responsibility. Peace entails sacrifice.''' That's why NATO continues to be indispensable. That's why we must strengthen U.N. and regional peacekeeping, and not leave the task to a few countries. * Let me make one final point about the use of force. '''Even as we make difficult decisions about going to war, we must also think clearly about how we fight it.''' * '''Where force is necessary, we have a moral and strategic interest in binding ourselves to certain rules of conduct.''' And even as we confront a vicious adversary that abides by no rules, I believe the United States of America must remain a standard bearer in the conduct of war. That is what makes us different from those whom we fight. That is a source of our strength. That is why I prohibited torture. That is why I ordered the prison at Guantanamo Bay closed. And that is why I have reaffirmed America's commitment to abide by the Geneva Conventions. We lose ourselves when we compromise the very ideals that we fight to defend. And we honor — we honor those ideals by upholding them not when it's easy, but when it is hard. * I believe that we must develop alternatives to violence that are tough enough to actually change behavior — for if we want a lasting peace, then the words of the international community must mean something. Those regimes that break the rules must be held accountable. '''Sanctions must exact a real price. Intransigence must be met with increased pressure — and such pressure exists only when the world stands together as one.''' * '''Peace is not merely the absence of visible conflict. Only a just peace based on the inherent rights and dignity of every individual can truly be lasting.''' <br> It was this insight that drove drafters of the [[w:Universal Declaration of Human Rights|Universal Declaration of Human Rights]] after the Second World War. In the wake of devastation, they recognized that if human rights are not protected, peace is a hollow promise. * '''There has long been a tension between those who describe themselves as realists or idealists — a tension that suggests a stark choice between the narrow pursuit of interests or an endless campaign to impose our values around the world. <br> I reject these choices.''' I believe that peace is unstable where citizens are denied the right to speak freely or worship as they please; choose their own leaders or assemble without fear. Pent-up grievances fester, and the suppression of tribal and religious identity can lead to violence. We also know that the opposite is true. Only when Europe became free did it finally find peace. '''America has never fought a war against a democracy, and our closest friends are governments that protect the rights of their citizens. No matter how callously defined, neither America's interests — nor the world's — are served by the denial of human aspirations.''' * '''There's no simple formula here. But we must try as best we can to balance isolation and engagement, pressure and incentives, so that human rights and dignity are advanced over time.''' * A just peace includes not only civil and political rights — it must encompass economic security and opportunity. For true peace is not just freedom from fear, but freedom from want. <br> It is undoubtedly true that development rarely takes root without security; it is also true that security does not exist where human beings do not have access to enough food, or clean water, or the medicine and shelter they need to survive. It does not exist where children can't aspire to a decent education or a job that supports a family. '''The absence of hope can rot a society from within.''' * Agreements among nations. Strong institutions. Support for human rights. Investments in development. All these are vital ingredients in bringing about the evolution that President [[John F. Kennedy|Kennedy]] spoke about. And yet, I do not believe that we will have the will, the determination, the staying power, to complete this work without something more — and that's the continued expansion of our moral imagination; an insistence that there's something irreducible that we all share. * '''As the world grows smaller, you might think it would be easier for human beings to recognize how similar we are; to understand that we're all basically seeking the same things; that we all hope for the chance to live out our lives with some measure of happiness and fulfillment for ourselves and our families.''' <br> And yet somehow, given the dizzying pace of globalization, the cultural leveling of modernity, it perhaps comes as no surprise that people fear the loss of what they cherish in their particular identities — their race, their tribe, and perhaps most powerfully their religion. In some places, this fear has led to conflict. At times, it even feels like we're moving backwards. * '''The one rule that lies at the heart of every major religion is that we do unto others as we would have them do unto us. <br> Adhering to this law of love has always been the core struggle of human nature.''' For we are fallible. We make mistakes, and fall victim to the temptations of pride, and power, and sometimes evil. Even those of us with the best of intentions will at times fail to right the wrongs before us. * '''We do not have to think that human nature is perfect for us to still believe that the human condition can be perfected. We do not have to live in an idealized world to still reach for those ideals that will make it a better place.''' The non-violence practiced by men like Gandhi and King may not have been practical or possible in every circumstance, but the love that they preached — their fundamental faith in human progress — that must always be the North Star that guides us on our journey. <br> '''For if we lose that faith — if we dismiss it as silly or naïve; if we divorce it from the decisions that we make on issues of war and peace — then we lose what's best about humanity. We lose our sense of possibility. We lose our moral compass.''' <br> Like generations have before us, we must reject that future. As Dr. King said at this occasion so many years ago, "I refuse to accept despair as the final response to the ambiguities of history. I refuse to accept the idea that the 'isness' of man's present condition makes him morally incapable of reaching up for the eternal 'oughtness' that forever confronts him." <br> '''Let us reach for the world that ought to be — that spark of the divine that still stirs within each of our souls.''' * '''We can acknowledge that oppression will always be with us, and still strive for justice.''' We can admit the intractability of deprivation, and still strive for dignity. '''Clear-eyed, we can understand that there will be war, and still strive for peace. We can do that — for that is the story of human progress; that's the hope of all the world; and at this moment of challenge, that must be our work here on Earth.''' === 2010 === [[File:BarackObama2010 3.jpg|thumb|Prosperity without freedom is just another form of poverty.]] * The Middle East is obviously an issue that has plagued the region for centuries. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/remarks-president-and-vice-president-town-hall-meeting-tampa-florida Remarks by the President and the Vice President at Town Hall Meeting in Tampa, Florida] (28 January 2010) * We said from the start that it was going to be important for us to be consistent in saying to people if you can have your — if you want to keep the health insurance you got, you can keep it, that you're not going to have anybody getting in between you and your doctor in your decision making. And I think that some of the provisions that got snuck in might have violated that pledge. ** [http://freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/2440324/posts Meeting with House Republicans, (January 2010)] * The notion that I would somehow resist doing something that cost half as much but would produce twice as many jobs — why would I resist that? ''I wouldn't.'' I mean, that's my point, is that — '''I am not an ideologue. ''I'm not''.''' It doesn't make sense if somebody could tell me "You could do this cheaper and get increased results" that I wouldn't say, ''great'' — the problem is, I couldn't find credible economists who would back up the claims that you just made. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBAXEus6jXY Speech to the House Republican Conference (29 January 2010)], quoted in [http://www.americanthinker.com/articles/2010/02/whos_an_ideologue.html Who's an "Ideologue"? by Mark W. Hendrickson at ''American Thinker'' (17 February 2010)]; full transcript in [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/01/29/transcript-of-president-o_n_442423.html "Obama At House Republican Retreat In Baltimore" (17 February 2010)] * Let me just make this point, John...We're not campaigning anymore. The election's over. ** Responding to Senator [[John McCain]] (R-Ariz.) at the [http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/02/25/AR2010022505919.html healthcare summit] after McCain complained about the proposed healthcare bill (25 February 2010)] [[File:Barack Obama in New Hampshire.jpg|thumb|We have to have a broad view of the world and recognize that we all are interconnected and that's very important.]] * '''Nababan''': You're...quite very good in [[wikipedia:Indonesian language|Indonesian]], still remind... <br> '''Obama''': ''Masih bisa omong sedikit'' [I still can speak (indonesian) a little bit]<br>'''Nababan''': ''sedikit, masih'' [a little bit, do you still] practising? <br> '''Obama''': No, not practising, you know, I used to be fluent but I don't get a chance to practice.<br>'''Nababan''': That's what I heard<br>'''Obama''': Whenever we're ready<br>[''Beginning of Interview'']<br/>'''Nababan''': Mr. President, thank you for permitting RCTI TV for this Interview, ''Apa Kabar'' [How are you] Mr. President?<br>'''Obama''': ''Baik-baik, Terima Kasih'' [(I'm) fine, thank you]<br>'''Nababan''': ''Masih bisa bahasa Indonesia?'' [(Do you) still able to speak Indonesian (language)?]<br>'''Obama''': ''Masih bisa sedikit, saya lupa banyak tapi...'' [(I still) can speak a little bit, but I forget many (Indonesian vocabularies)]<br>'''Nababan''': Oh, This is quite good I think,'' banyak latihan'' [often practicing], do you have practice with?<br>'''Obama''': You know, I don't have a chance to practice, you know, one of the interesting things is...'''I think Indonesians love their country so much, they usually go back,''' and so there isn't a hugh Immigrant Indonesian population In the United States, so I don't meet enough Indonesians which also means there aren't enough good Indonesian restaurants here in the United States... ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JYIK9QtNu3w Interview with Putra Nababan in the White House] (March 2010) * We have to acknowledge that those past human right abuses existed and so '''we can't go forward without looking back''', and understanding that was enormous problem, not just for America but also problem for the Indonesian people... ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38sFgxBhpkU Interview with Putra Nababan in the White House] (March 2010) * '''Nababan''': Mr. President, there is a prevailing skepticism that you will be unable to act on your stance to reach out the Muslim world, how do you respond to this?<br> '''Obama''': Well, actually we made enormous progresses, obviously I made my [[Wikisource:A New Beginning|Cairo speech]] last year, as it sent a clear message that United States is a friend and a partner with the Muslim world, that we obviously have a determination to defeat terrorism wherever it exists, and we wanna partner with countries to deal with that issue, but '''we don't want terrorism to defy our relationship to the Muslim nations around the world, we want to build on cooperation on trade, on economic development, on science and technology, on culture''', and...so what we've done is all the issues that I outlined in Cairo speech we've made progress all. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38sFgxBhpkU Interview with Putra Nababan in the White House] (March 2010) [[File:Israel and Palestine Peace.svg|thumb|The question is how do we breakdown the barrier of trust, or the barrier of distrust, that exist between these countries...]] * I think that living in [[Indonesia]] also reminded me how big the world is, you know, I've... Indonesia such a big country, such a diverse country and so many different people there and it reminded me that '''we have to have a broad view of the world and recognize that we all are interconnected and that's very important'''... ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38sFgxBhpkU Interview with Putra Nababan in the White House] (March 2010) * '''Nababan''': You mentioned about people to people...many Indonesians have high expectation that the US under your leadership is successful implementing the two-state solution today Israel-Palestinian conflict, is this a realistic expectation? <br> '''Obama''': Well, it is gonna be very hard. Obviously, it's been the issue for 60 years through Democratic and Republic administrations through different governments of Israel. It is a...It is a...very difficult conflict, But I, I am going to work as hard as I can while I'm president, to make sure that we arrive to two-state solution, where Israel is secure as living side by side by a prosperous and successful Palestinian nation, and everybody in the region understands that this is the right thing to do, '''the question is how do we breakdown the barrier of trust, or the barrier of distrust, that exist between these countries...''' ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38sFgxBhpkU Interview with Putra Nababan in the White House] (March 2010) * They call it Armageddon, the end of freedom as we know it. After I signed the bill, I looked around to see if there were any asteroids falling, some cracks opening up in the earth. Turned out it was a nice day. ** At [http://www.myfoxdetroit.com/dpps/news/dpgonc-obama-dares-republicans-to-run-on-repealing-health-care-fc-20100325_6751762 a speech] at the [[w:University of Iowa|University of Iowa]] after signing the [[w:Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act|Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act]] (25 March 2010) * Whether we like it or not, we remain a dominant military superpower... ** [http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2010/04/15/obama-america-superpower-like.html Obama: America a Superpower 'Whether We Like It or Not'], ''FoxNews.com'' (15 April 2010) * I do think at a certain point you've made enough money. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/remarks-president-wall-street-reform-quincy-illinois Remarks by the President on Wall Street Reform in Quincy, Illinois] (28 April 2010) * The Jonas Brothers are here; they're out there somewhere. Sasha and Malia are huge fans. But boys, don't get any ideas. I have two words for you, 'predator drones.' You will never see it coming. You think I'm joking? ** [https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2010/05/obama-finds-predator-drones-hilarious/340949/ President Obama's jokes at the White House Correspondents Dinner] (1 May 2010) * I said very early on, as a senator, and continued to believe as a presidential candidate and now as president that we can absorb a terrorist attack. We'll do everything we can to prevent it, but even a 9/11, even the, the biggest attack that ever took place on our soil, we absorbed it and we are stronger. This is a strong, powerful country that we live in and our people are incredibly resilient. ** July 2010 interview with Bob Woodward, recounted on [http://www6.lexisnexis.com/publisher/EndUser?Action=UserDisplayFullDocument&orgId=574&topicId=100007216&docId=l:1271804831&isRss=true World News with Diane Sawyer] (27 September 2010) * We can never say it enough. The United States and the United Kingdom enjoy a truly special relationship. We celebrate a common heritage. We cherish common values. . . . Above all, our alliance thrives because it advances our common interests. . . . When the United States and the United Kingdom stand together, our people—and people around the world—are more secure and they are more prosperous. In short, the United States has no closer ally and no stronger partner than Great Britain. ** [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/102011166?q=barack+obama&p=par Watchtower ONLINE LIBRARY] Statement made by U.S. President Barack Obama at a joint press conference with Prime Minister [[David Cameron]] of the United Kingdom in July 2010 * Ramadan is a celebration of a faith known for great diversity and racial equality. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2010/08/11/statement-president-occasion-ramadan Statement by the President on the Occasion of Ramadan (11 August 2010)] * I look forward to hosting an Iftar dinner celebrating Ramadan here at the White House later this week, and wish you a blessed month. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2010/08/11/statement-president-occasion-ramadan Statement by the President on the Occasion of Ramadan (11 August 2010)] * The only people who don't want to disclose the truth are people with something to hide. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2010/08/21/weekly-address-president-obama-challenges-politicians-benefiting-citizen Weekly Address] (21 August 2010) * And I think anybody who’s occupied this office has to remember that success is determined by an intersection in policy and politics and that you can’t be neglecting of marketing and P.R. and public opinion. ** As quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/17/magazine/17obama-t.html?src=me&ref=homepage "The Education of President Obama" by Peter Baker in ''The New York Times Magazine'' (12 October 2010)] * As I said last year, each country will pursue a path rooted in the culture of its own people. Yet experience shows us that history is on the side of liberty, that '''the strongest foundation for human progress lies in open economies, open societies, and open governments. To put it simply, democracy, more than any other form of government, delivers for our citizens.''' ** [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=88483&st=&st1= "Remarks to the United Nations General Assembly in New York City," September 23, 2010. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project] * The world that America seeks is not one we can build on our own. For human rights to reach those who suffer the boot of oppression, we need your voices to speak out. In particular, I appeal to those nations who emerged from tyranny and inspired the world in the second half of the last century, from South Africa to South Asia, from Eastern Europe to South America. Don't stand idly by, don't be silent when dissidents elsewhere are imprisoned and protesters are beaten. Recall your own history, because '''part of the price of our own freedom is standing up for the freedom of others.''' ** [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=88483&st=&st1= "Remarks to the United Nations General Assembly in New York City," September 23, 2010. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project] * '''I'm a Christian by choice.''' My family didn't — frankly, they weren't folks who went to church every week. And my mother was one of the most spiritual people I knew, but she didn't raise me in the church. So I came to my Christian faith later in life, and it was because the precepts of [[Jesus]] [[w:Christ|Christ]] spoke to me in terms of the kind of life that I would want to lead — being my brothers' and sisters' keeper, treating others as they would treat me. I think also understanding that Jesus Christ dying for my sins spoke to the humility we all have to have as human beings, that we're sinful and we're flawed and we make mistakes, and that we achieve salvation through the grace of God. '''But what we can do, as flawed as we are, is still see God in other people and do our best to help them find their own grace. That's what I strive to do. That's what I pray to do every day.''' I think my public service is part of that effort to express my Christian faith. … One thing I want to emphasize, having spoken about something that obviously relates to me very personally, as president of the United States '''I'm also somebody who deeply believes that part of the bedrock strength of this country is that it embraces people of many faiths and no faith… that this is a country that is still predominantly Christian, but we have Jews, Muslims, Hindus, atheists, agnostics, Buddhists, and that their own path to grace is one that we have to revere and respect as much as our own. <br> That's part of what makes this country what it is.''' ** Statement during National Prayer Breakfast (27 September 2010), [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/09/28/obama-christian-by-choice_n_742124.html?view=print "Obama 'Christian By Choice': President Responds To Questioner" by Charles Babington and Darlene Superville, ''Associated Press'' (28 September 2010)] - [http://blogs.abcnews.com/politicalpunch/2010/09/president-obama-i-am-a-christian-by-choicethe-precepts-of-jesus-spoke-to-me.html Video: President Obama: "I am a Christian By Choice" at ''ABC News'' (29 September 2010)] * '''Prosperity without freedom is just another form of poverty. Because there are aspirations that human beings share -- the liberty of knowing that your leader is accountable to you, and that you won’t be locked up for disagreeing with them; the opportunity to get an education and to be able to work with dignity; the freedom to practice your faith without fear or restriction. Those are universal values that must be observed everywhere.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2010/11/10/remarks-president-university-indonesia-jakarta-indonesia Remarks by the President at the University of Indonesia in Jakarta, Indonesia November 10, 2010] ** The line "Prosperity without freedom is just another form of poverty. Because there are aspirations that human beings share - the liberty of knowing that your leader is accountable to you - and that you won't get locked up for disagreeing with them" was according to the BBC's Guy Delauney in Jakarta a thinly-veiled swipe at China, in particular its treatment of political dissidents. See [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-11723650 Obama hails Indonesia as example for world, BBC News Asia-Pacific, 10 November 2010]. ** The line "Prosperity without freedom is just another form of poverty" was later repeated by [http://usrsaustralia.state.gov/us-oz/2011/11/17/wh1.html Obama in his remarks to the Australian Parliament on November 17, 2011] where Obama stated: "As we grow our economies, we’ll also remember the link between growth and good governance -- the rule of law, transparent institutions, the equal administration of justice. Because history shows that, over the long run, '''democracy and economic growth go hand in hand. And prosperity without freedom is just another form of poverty.'''" * There's no single speech can eradicate years of mistrust, but I believe then and I believe today that we do have a choice. we can choose to be defined by our differences and give in to a future of suspicions and mistrusts, or we choose to do the hard-work of forging common ground and commit ourselves to the steady pursuit of progress and I can promise you, no matter what setback may come, the United States is committed to human progress, that's who we are, that's what we've done, and that's what we will do. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2010/11/10/remarks-president-university-indonesia-jakarta-indonesia Remarks by the President at the University of Indonesia in Jakarta, Indonesia November 10, 2010] * What we learned in the recent economic crisis is that we have each stake of each other success, America has a stake in indonesia's growing and development with prosperity that broadly shared by among Indonesians people because the raising middle class of Indonesia means new market for our goods. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2010/11/10/remarks-president-university-indonesia-jakarta-indonesia Remarks by the President at the University of Indonesia in Jakarta, Indonesia November 10, 2010] ==== State Of The Union (January 2010) ==== :<small>[http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/01/28/opinion/main6151030.shtml Full transcript] on ''[[w:CNN|CNN]]''.</small> * The more that TV pundits reduce serious debates into silly arguments, and big issues into sound bites, our citizens turn away. * Let's try common sense. A novel concept. ==== 2010 Deepwater Horizon oil spill (April 2010) ==== [[File:Deepwater Horizon offshore drilling unit on fire 2010.jpg|thumb|My experience is, when you talk to a guy like a BP CEO, he's gonna say all the right things to me. I'm not interested in words. I'm interested in actions.]] [[File:Deepwater Horizon oil spill - May 24, 2010 - with locator.jpg|thumb|Even though I'm president of the United States, my power is not limitless. So I can't dive down there and plug the hole. I can't suck it up with a straw. All I can do is make sure that I put honest, hard-working smart people in place…]] :<small>Quotes by President Obama relating to the 2010 [[w:Deepwater Horizon oil spill|Deepwater Horizon oil spill]] which began on April 20, 2010, in the Gulf of Mexico.</small> * It turns out, by the way, that oil rigs today generally don't cause spills. They are technologically very advanced. ** [http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/31/us/politics/31drill.html Reforms Slow to Arrive at Drilling Agency] (April 2, 2010) * The true engine of economic growth will always be companies like [[w:Solyndra|Solyndra]]. ** Speech at Solyndra, May 26, 2010. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qy2xEAZhAuo] * I do not want to see BP nickel and diming these businesses that are having a tough time. ** [http://www.palmbeachpost.com/news/nation/florida-workers-getting-5-000-checks-from-bp-733821.html Florida workers getting $5000 checks from BP -- but will it be enough?], ''Palm Beach Post'' (June 8, 2010) * I have not spoken to him directly. Here's the reason. Because my experience is, when you talk to a guy like a BP CEO, he's gonna say all the right things to me. I'm not interested in words. I'm interested in actions. **[http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/37566848/ns/disaster_in_the_gulf/ I would have fired BP chief by now, Obama says] (June 8, 2010) * We talk to these folks because they potentially have the best answers, so I know whose ass to kick. **[http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/37566848/ns/disaster_in_the_gulf/ I would have fired BP chief by now, Obama says] (June 8, 2010) * Even though I'm president of the United States, my power is not limitless. So I can't dive down there and plug the hole. I can't suck it up with a straw. All I can do is make sure that I put honest, hard-working smart people in place … to implement this thing." ** Radio interview, [[w:Grand Isle, LA|Grand Isle, LA]], June 11, 2010.[http://voices.washingtonpost.com/44/2010/06/obama-on-spill-i-cant-suck-it.html?hpid=news-col-blog] ==== Weekly Address (May 29, 2010) ==== :<small>[[w:Weekly address of the President of the United States|Weekly Address]] ([https://obamawhitehouse.archives.gov/realitycheck/the-press-office/weekly-address-president-obama-invites-all-americans-honor-america-s-fallen-heroes- May 29, 2010]), [[Washington, DC]], ''{{w|whitehouse.gov}}''.</small> * This weekend, as we celebrate {{w|Memorial Day}}, families across America will gather in backyards and front porches, fire up the barbeque, kick back with friends, and spend time with people they care about. That is as it should be. But I also hope that as you do so, you’ll take some time to reflect on what Memorial Day is all about; on why we set this day aside as a time of national remembrance. * It’s fitting every day to pay tribute to the men and women who wear the uniform of the United States of America. * On this day, we honor not just those who’ve worn this country’s uniform, but the men and women who’ve died in its service; who’ve laid down their lives in defense of their fellow citizens; who’ve given their last full measure of devotion to protect the United States of America. These are the men and women I will be honoring this weekend, and I know many of you are doing the same. * There are any number of reasons America emerged from its humble beginnings as a cluster of colonies to become the most prosperous, most powerful nation on earth. There is the hard work, the resilience, and the character of our people. There is the ingenuity and enterprising spirit of our entrepreneurs and innovators. There are the ideals of opportunity, equality, and freedom that have not only inspired our people to perfect our own union, but inspired others to perfect theirs as well. But from the very start, there was also something more. A steadfast commitment to serve, to fight, and if necessary, to die, to preserve America and advance the [[ideals]] we [[cherish]]. It’s a commitment witnessed at each defining moment along the journey of this country. It’s what led a rag-tag militia to face British soldiers at Lexington and Concord. It’s what led young men, in a country divided half slave and half free, to take up arms to save our union. It’s what led patriots in each [[generation]] to [[sacrifice]] their own [[lives]] to secure the life of our nation, from the [[w:Trench warfare|trenches]] of [[w:United States in World War I|World War I]] to the [[w:List of World War II battles involving the United States|battles]] of [[w:Military history of the United States during World War II|World War II]], from [[w:Battle of Inchon|Inchon]] and [[w:Battle of Khe Sanh|Khe Sanh]], from [[w:Battle of Mosul (2004)|Mosul]] to [[w:Operation Moshtarak|Marja]]. * That commitment – that willingness to lay down their lives so we might inherit the blessings of this nation – is what we honor today. But on this Memorial Day, as on every day, we are called to honor their ultimate sacrifice with more than words. We are called to honor them with deeds. We are called to honor them by doing our part for the loved ones our fallen heroes have left behind and looking after our military families. By making sure the men and women serving this country around the world have the support they need to achieve their missions and come home safely. By making sure veterans have the care and assistance they need. In short, by serving all those who have ever worn the uniform of this country – and their families – as well as they have served us. * On April 25, 1866, about a year after the Civil War ended, a group of women visited a cemetery in Columbus, Mississippi, to place flowers by the graves of Confederate soldiers who had fallen at Shiloh. As they did, they noticed other graves nearby, belonging to Union dead. But no one had come to visit those graves, or place a flower there. So they decided to lay a few stems for those men too, in recognition not of a fallen Confederate or a fallen Union soldier, but a fallen American. A few years later, an organization of Civil War veterans established what became Memorial Day, selecting a date that coincided with the time when flowers were in bloom. So this weekend, as we commemorate Memorial Day, I ask you to hold all our fallen heroes in your hearts, and if you can, to lay a flower where they have come to rest. === 2011 === [[File:DDR wall peekaboo.jpg|thumb|Societies held together by fear and repression may offer the illusion of stability for a time, but they are built upon fault lines that will eventually tear asunder.]] * The presidency has a funny way of making a person feel the need to pray. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2011/02/03/remarks-president-national-prayer-breakfast National Prayer Breakfast], {{#formatdate:2011-02-03}}, quoted in {{citation | date = 2011-02-03 | first = Cathy Lynn | last = Grossman | title = Obama's prayer: 'To walk closer with God' | newspaper = USA Today | url = http://content.usatoday.com/communities/Religion/post/2011/02/obama-christian-prayer-breakfast-doubt/1 | accessdate = 2012-11-07}} * '''Societies held together by fear and repression may offer the illusion of stability for a time, but they are built upon fault lines that will eventually tear asunder.''' ** [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=90397&st=&st1= Barack Obama: "Remarks at the Department of State," May 19, 2011. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project.] * '''Obama:''' Now, I swore an oath to uphold the laws on the books, but that doesn't mean I don't know very well the real pain and heartbreak that deportations cause. I share your concerns and I understand them. And I promise you, we are responding to your concerns and working every day to make sure we are enforcing flawed laws in the most humane and best possible way. Now, I know some people want me to bypass Congress and change the laws on my own. ''[Applause]'' And believe me, right now dealing with Congress —<br>'''Audience:''' Yes, you can! Yes, you can! Yes, you can! Yes, you can! Yes, you can!<br>'''Obama:''' Believe me — believe me, the idea of doing things on my own is very tempting. ''[Laughter]'' I promise you. Not just on immigration reform. ''[Laughter]'' But that's not how — that's not how our system works.<br>'''Audience member:''' Change it!<br>'''Obama:''' That’s not how our democracy functions. That's not how our Constitution is written. So let’s be honest. I need a dance partner here — and the floor is empty. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2011/07/25/remarks-president-national-council-la-raza Remarks to the National Council of La Raza (25 July 2011)] * Lincoln -- they used to talk about him almost as bad as they talk about me. So democracy has never been for the faint of heart. ** [http://nation.foxnews.com/president-obama/2011/08/16/obama-i-m-just-lincoln Obama: I’m Just Like Lincoln] (16 August 2011) * Take off your bedroom slippers. Put on your marching shoes. Shake it off. Stop complainin'. Stop grumblin'. Stop cryin'. We are going to press on. We have work to do. ** [http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/cutline/associated-press-transcription-obama-cbc-speech-racist-173438340.html Remarks to the Congressional Black Caucus on the 2012 election (24 September 2011)] * '''Having encountered many setbacks, [[Václav Havel|Havel]] lived with a spirit of [[hope]]''', which he defined as “the ability to work for something because it is good, not just because it stands a chance to succeed.” '''His peaceful resistance shook the foundations of an empire, exposed the emptiness of a repressive ideology, and proved that moral leadership is more powerful than any weapon.''' He played a seminal role in the Velvet Revolution that won his people their freedom and inspired generations to reach for self-determination and dignity in all parts of the world. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2011/12/18/statement-president-obama-death-vaclav-havel Statement of President Obama on the death of Vaclav Havel (18 December 2011)] * I would put our legislative and foreign policy accomplishments in our first two years against any president -- with the possible exceptions of [[Lyndon Johnson|Johnson]], [[FDR]], and [[Lincoln]] -- just in terms of what we've gotten done in modern history. ** An interview with ''[[w:60 Minutes|60 Minutes]]'', December 20, 2011.[http://newsbusters.org/blogs/pj-gladnick/2011/12/16/60-minutes-broadcast-edits-out-laughable-obama-claim-4th-greatest-presi] ==== Tucson Memorial Address (January 2011) ==== [[File:BarackObamaTucsonMemorialSpeech.png|thumb|It's important for us to pause for a moment and make sure that we are talking with each other in a way that heals, not a way that wounds.]] :<small> [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2011/01/12/remarks-president-barack-obama-memorial-service-victims-shooting-tucson Remarks by the President at a Memorial Service for the Victims of the Shooting in Tucson, Arizona (12 January 2011)], in response to the [[w:2011 Tucson shootings|2011 Tucson shootings]] - [http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2011/01/13/AR2011011301532.html Transcript at ''The Washington Post''].</small> [[File:Obama Tucson Shooting Speech Cropped.jpg|thumb|We may not be able to stop all evil in the world, but I know that how we treat one another is entirely up to us.]] [[File:White House silence Tucson 2011.jpg|thumb|All of us — we should do everything we can to make sure this country lives up to our children's expectations.]] * To the families of those we've lost; to all who called them friends; to the students of this university, the public servants gathered tonight, and the people of Tucson and Arizona: '''I have come here tonight as an American who, like all Americans, kneels to pray with you today, and will stand by you tomorrow.''' * There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. * Gabby called it "Congress on Your Corner" — just an updated version of government of and by and for the people. * These men and women remind us that heroism is found not only on the fields of battle. They remind us that heroism does not require special training or physical strength. '''Heroism is here, all around us, in the hearts of so many of our fellow citizens, just waiting to be summoned — as it was on Saturday morning.''' * But at a time when our discourse has become so sharply polarized — at a time when we are far too eager to lay the blame for all that ails the world at the feet of those who think differently than we do — '''it's important for us to pause for a moment and make sure that we are talking with each other in a way that heals, not a way that wounds.''' * '''Scripture tells us that there is evil in the world, and that terrible things happen for reasons that defy human understanding.''' In the words of [[Job]], "when I looked for light, then came darkness." '''Bad things happen, and we must guard against simple explanations in the aftermath.''' * '''If this tragedy prompts reflection and debate, as it should, let's make sure it's worthy of those we have lost.''' * '''I believe we can be better.''' Those who died here, those who saved lives here — they help me believe. '''We may not be able to stop all evil in the world, but I know that how we treat one another is entirely up to us. I believe that for all our imperfections, we are full of decency and goodness, and that the forces that divide us are not as strong as those that unite us.''' * That's what I believe, in part because that's what a child like Christina Taylor Green believed. Imagine: here was a young girl who was just becoming aware of our democracy; just beginning to understand the obligations of citizenship; just starting to glimpse the fact that someday she too might play a part in shaping her nation's future. She had been elected to her student council; she saw public service as something exciting, something hopeful. She was off to meet her congresswoman, someone she was sure was good and important and might be a role model. She saw all this through the eyes of a child, undimmed by the cynicism or vitriol that we adults all too often just take for granted. '''I want us to live up to her expectations. I want our democracy to be as good as she imagined it. All of us — we should do everything we can to make sure this country lives up to our children's expectations.''' * If there are rain puddles in heaven, Christina is jumping in them today. '''And here on Earth, we place our hands over our hearts, and commit ourselves as Americans to forging a country that is forever worthy of her gentle, happy spirit.''' ==== Remarks on Egyptian protests (January 2011) ==== [[File:'The March of Millions' - It's in our hands.png|thumb|The people of Egypt have rights that are universal. That includes the right to peaceful assembly and association, the right to free speech, and the ability to determine their own destiny.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2011/01/28/remarks-president-situation-egypt Remarks by the President on the Situation in Egypt (28 January 2011)]</small> * My administration has been closely monitoring the situation in Egypt, and I know that we will be learning more tomorrow when day breaks. '''As the situation continues to unfold, our first concern is preventing injury or loss of life. So I want to be very clear in calling upon the Egyptian authorities to refrain from any violence against peaceful protestors. <br> The people of Egypt have rights that are universal. That includes the right to peaceful assembly and association, the right to free speech, and the ability to determine their own destiny.  These are human rights. And the United States will stand up for them everywhere.''' * I also call upon the Egyptian government to reverse the actions that they’ve taken to interfere with access to the Internet, to cell phone service and to social networks that do so much to connect people in the 21st century. <br> At the same time, those protesting in the streets have a responsibility to express themselves peacefully.  Violence and destruction will not lead to the reforms that they seek. <br> Now, going forward, this moment of volatility has to be turned into a moment of promise.  '''The United States has a close partnership with Egypt and we've cooperated on many issues, including working together to advance a more peaceful region. But we've also been clear that there must be reform — political, social, and economic reforms that meet the aspirations of the Egyptian people.''' * When President [[Hosni Mubarak|Mubarak]] addressed the Egyptian people tonight, he pledged a better democracy and greater economic opportunity.  I just spoke to him after his speech and I told him he has a responsibility to give meaning to those words, to take concrete steps and actions that deliver on that promise. <br> '''Violence will not address the grievances of the Egyptian people. And suppressing ideas never succeeds in making them go away.''' What’s needed right now are concrete steps that advance the rights of the Egyptian people:  a meaningful dialogue between the government and its citizens, and a path of political change that leads to a future of greater freedom and greater opportunity and justice for the Egyptian people. * Around the world governments have an obligation to respond to their citizens.  That's true here in the United States; that's true in Asia; it is true in Europe; it is true in Africa; and it’s certainly true in the Arab world, where a new generation of citizens has the right to be heard. <br> '''When I was in Cairo, shortly after I was elected President, I said that all governments must maintain power through consent, not coercion.''' That is the single standard by which the people of Egypt will achieve the future they deserve. <br> '''Surely there will be difficult days to come. But the United States will continue to stand up for the rights of the Egyptian people and work with their government in pursuit of a future that is more just, more free, and more hopeful.''' ==== Remarks on Egyptian political transition (February 2011) ==== [[File:The lion of Egyptian revolution (Qasr al-Nil Bridge)-edit2.jpg|thumb|There are very few moments in our lives where we have the privilege to witness history taking place. This is one of those moments. This is one of those times.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2011/02/11/remarks-president-egypt Remarks by the President on Egypt (11 February 2011)]</small> [[File:Tahrir Square on February11.png|thumb|The word [[w: Tahrir|Tahrir]] means liberation. It is a word that speaks to that something in our souls that cries out for freedom. And forevermore it will remind us of the Egyptian people — of what they did, of the things that they stood for, and how they changed their country, and in doing so changed the world.]] * '''There are very few moments in our lives where we have the privilege to witness history taking place. This is one of those moments. This is one of those times. The people of Egypt have spoken, their voices have been heard, and Egypt will never be the same.''' * '''I know that a democratic Egypt can advance its role of responsible leadership not only in the region but around the world.''' <br> Egypt has played a pivotal role in human history for over 6,000 years.  But over the last few weeks, the wheel of history turned at a blinding pace as the Egyptian people demanded their universal rights.<br> We saw mothers and fathers carrying their children on their shoulders to show them what true freedom might look like.<br> We saw a young Egyptian say, “For the first time in my life, I really count.  My voice is heard.  Even though I’m only one person, this is the way real democracy works.” <br> We saw protesters chant “Selmiyya, selmiyya” — “We are peaceful” — again and again. <br> We saw a military that would not fire bullets at the people they were sworn to protect.<br> And we saw doctors and nurses rushing into the streets to care for those who were wounded, volunteers checking protesters to ensure that they were unarmed. <br> '''We saw people of faith praying together and chanting – “Muslims, Christians, We are one.”'''  And though we know that the strains between faiths still divide too many in this world and no single event will close that chasm immediately, '''these scenes remind us that we need not be defined by our differences.  We can be defined by the common humanity that we share.''' <br> And above all, we saw a new generation emerge — a generation that uses their own creativity and talent and technology to call for a government that represented their hopes and not their fears; a government that is responsive to their boundless aspirations.  One Egyptian put it simply:  Most people have discovered in the last few days…that they are worth something, and this cannot be taken away from them anymore, ever. <br> This is the power of human dignity, and it can never be denied. '''Egyptians have inspired us, and they’ve done so by putting the lie to the idea that justice is best gained through violence.  For in Egypt, it was the moral force of nonviolence — not terrorism, not mindless killing — but nonviolence, moral force that bent the arc of history toward justice once more.''' * Today belongs to the people of Egypt, and the American people are moved by these scenes in Cairo and across Egypt because of who we are as a people and the kind of world that we want our children to grow up in. <br> '''The word [[w: Tahrir|Tahrir]] means liberation.  It is a word that speaks to that something in our souls that cries out for freedom.  And forevermore it will remind us of the Egyptian people — of what they did, of the things that they stood for, and how they changed their country, and in doing so changed the world.''' ==== Address on the natural and nuclear energy disasters in Japan (March 2011) ==== [[File:SH-60B helicopter flies over Sendai.jpg|thumb| We are working aggressively to support our Japanese ally at this time of extraordinary challenge.]] [[File:US Navy 110315-N-5503T-756 A Japanese search and rescue team searches the rubble near a high-rise building in Wakuya, Japan.jpg|thumb|In the midst of economic recovery and global upheaval, disasters like this remind us of the common humanity that we share.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2011/03/17/remarks-president-situation-japan Remarks by the President on the Situation in Japan (17 March 2011)]</small> * '''I wanted to update the American people on what we know about the situation in Japan, what we’re doing to support American citizens and the safety of our own nuclear energy, and how we are helping the Japanese people contain the damage, recover and rebuild.''' * Even as Japanese responders continue to do heroic work, we know that the damage to the nuclear reactors in Fukushima Daiichi plant poses a substantial risk to people who are nearby. That is why yesterday, we called for an evacuation of American citizens who are within 50 miles of the plant. This decision was based upon a careful scientific evaluation and the guidelines that we would use to keep our citizens safe here in the United States, or anywhere in the world. * I know that many Americans are also worried about the potential risks to the United States. So I want to be very clear: We do not expect harmful levels of radiation to reach the United States, whether it’s the West Coast, Hawaii, Alaska, or U.S. territories in the Pacific. Let me repeat that: We do not expect harmful levels of radiation to reach the West Coast, Hawaii, Alaska, or U.S. territories in the Pacific. '''That is the judgment of our Nuclear Regulatory Commission and many other experts.''' * Our nuclear power plants have undergone exhaustive study, and have been declared safe for any number of extreme contingencies. But when we see a crisis like the one in Japan, we have a responsibility to learn from this event, and to draw from those lessons to ensure the safety and security of our people. <br> That’s why I’ve asked the Nuclear Regulatory Commission to do a comprehensive review of the safety of our domestic nuclear plants in light of the natural disaster that unfolded in Japan. * '''We are working aggressively to support our Japanese ally at this time of extraordinary challenge.''' Search and rescue teams are on the ground in Japan to help the recovery effort. A disaster assistance and response team is working to confront the aftermath of the earthquake and tsunami. The U.S. military, which has helped to ensure the security of Japan for decades, is working around the clock. * We have an alliance that was forged more than a half century ago, and strengthened by shared interests and democratic values. Our people share ties of family, ties of culture, and ties of commerce. Our troops have served to protect Japan’s shores, and our citizens have found opportunity and friendship in Japan’s cities and towns. * I am confident that Japan will recover and rebuild because of the strength and spirit of the Japanese people. Over the last few days, they’ve opened up their homes to one another. They’ve shared scarce resources of food and water. They’ve organized shelters, provided free medical care, and looked out for their most vulnerable citizens. One man put it simply: “It’s a Japanese thing. When hard times hit, we have to help each other.” * '''In the midst of economic recovery and global upheaval, disasters like this remind us of the common humanity that we share.''' We see it in the responders who are risking their lives at Fukushima. We show it through the help that has poured into Japan from 70 countries. And we hear it in the cries of a child, miraculously pulled from the rubble. <br> '''In the coming days, we will continue to do everything we can to ensure the safety of American citizens and the security of our sources of energy. And we will stand with the people of Japan as they contain this crisis, recover from this hardship, and rebuild their great nation.''' ==== Address on interventions in Libya (March 2011) ==== [[File:USS Barry (DDG 52) launches a Tomahawk missile in support of Operation Odyssey Dawn.jpg |thumb|I’d like to update the American people on the international effort that we have led in Libya — what we’ve done, what we plan to do, and why this matters to us.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2011/03/28/remarks-president-address-nation-libya Address to the Nation on Libya (28 March 2011)]</small> [[File:US Navy 110320-F-NI989-135 A crew chief from the 52nd Aircraft Maintenance Squadron marshals an F-16 Fighting Falcon out of a hardened aircraft she.jpg|thumb|For generations, the United States of America has played a unique role as an anchor of global security and as an advocate for human freedom.]] [[File:F-16 takeoff in Germany.jpg|thumb|When our interests and values are at stake, we have a responsibility to act.]] [[File:A Qatar Emiri Air Force Dassault Mirage 2000-5 fighter jet - Joint Task Force Odyssey Dawn 2011.jpg|thumb|In just one month, the United States has worked with our international partners to mobilize a broad coalition, secure an international mandate to protect civilians, stop an advancing army, prevent a massacre, and establish a no-fly zone with our allies and partners.]] [[File:Egyptian youth at the Benghazi rally.JPG|thumb|Born, as we are, out of a revolution by those who longed to be free, we welcome the fact that history is on the move in the Middle East and North Africa, and that young people are leading the way. Because wherever people long to be free, they will find a friend in the United States.]] [[File:Flag-lens-flare.jpg|thumb|For generations, we have done the hard work of protecting our own people, as well as millions around the globe. We have done so because we know that our own future is safer, our own future is brighter, if more of mankind can live with the bright light of freedom and dignity.]] * '''I’d like to update the American people on the international effort that we have led in Libya — what we’ve done, what we plan to do, and why this matters to us.''' <br> I want to begin by paying tribute to our men and women in uniform who, once again, have acted with courage, professionalism and patriotism. They have moved with incredible speed and strength. Because of them and our dedicated diplomats, a coalition has been forged and countless lives have been saved. <br> Meanwhile, as we speak, our troops are supporting our ally Japan, leaving Iraq to its people, stopping the Taliban’s momentum in Afghanistan, and going after al Qaeda all across the globe. As Commander-in-Chief, I’m grateful to our soldiers, sailors, airmen, Marines, Coast Guardsmen, and to their families. And I know all Americans share in that sentiment. * '''For generations, the United States of America has played a unique role as an anchor of global security and as an advocate for human freedom. Mindful of the risks and costs of military action, we are naturally reluctant to use force to solve the world’s many challenges. But when our interests and values are at stake, we have a responsibility to act.''' That’s what happened in Libya over the course of these last six weeks.  <!-- * Libya sits directly between Tunisia and Egypt — two nations that inspired the world when their people rose up to take control of their own destiny. For more than four decades, the Libyan people have been ruled by a tyrant — Muammar Qaddafi. He has denied his people freedom, exploited their wealth, murdered opponents at home and abroad, and terrorized innocent people around the world — including Americans who were killed by Libyan agents. <br> Last month, Qaddafi’s grip of fear appeared to give way to the promise of freedom. In cities and towns across the country, Libyans took to the streets to claim their basic human rights. As one Libyan said, “For the first time we finally have hope that our nightmare of 40 years will soon be over.” <br> Faced with this opposition, Qaddafi began attacking his people. * '''Innocent people were targeted for killing. Hospitals and ambulances were attacked.''' Journalists were arrested, sexually assaulted, and killed. Supplies of food and fuel were choked off. Water for hundreds of thousands of people in Misurata was shut off. Cities and towns were shelled, mosques were destroyed, and apartment buildings reduced to rubble. Military jets and helicopter gunships were unleashed upon people who had no means to defend themselves against assaults from the air. <br> Confronted by this brutal repression and a looming humanitarian crisis, I ordered warships into the Mediterranean. European allies declared their willingness to commit resources to stop the killing. The Libyan opposition and the Arab League appealed to the world to save lives in Libya. And so at my direction, America led an effort with our allies at the United Nations Security Council to pass a historic resolution that authorized a no-fly zone to stop the regime’s attacks from the air, and further authorized all necessary measures to protect the Libyan people. * Ten days ago, having tried to end the violence without using force, the international community offered Qaddafi a final chance to stop his campaign of killing, or face the consequences. Rather than stand down, his forces continued their advance, bearing down on the city of Benghazi, home to nearly 700,000 men, women and children who sought their freedom from fear. <br> At this point, the United States and the world faced a choice. '''Qaddafi declared he would show “no mercy” to his own people.''' He compared them to rats, and threatened to go door to door to inflict punishment. In the past, we have seen him hang civilians in the streets, and kill over a thousand people in a single day. Now we saw regime forces on the outskirts of the city.  --> * '''If we waited one more day, Benghazi, a city nearly the size of Charlotte, could suffer a massacre that would have reverberated across the region and stained the conscience of the world. <br> It was not in our national interest to let that happen. I refused to let that happen.''' And so nine days ago, after consulting the bipartisan leadership of Congress, I authorized military action to stop the killing and enforce U.N. Security Council Resolution 1973.  * '''In just one month, the United States has worked with our international partners to mobilize a broad coalition, secure an international mandate to protect civilians, stop an advancing army, prevent a massacre, and establish a no-fly zone with our allies and partners.''' To lend some perspective on how rapidly this military and diplomatic response came together, when people were being brutalized in Bosnia in the 1990s, it took the international community more than a year to intervene with air power to protect civilians. It took us 31 days. * I want to be clear: The United States of America has done what we said we would do. <br> That’s not to say that our work is complete. * '''While our military mission is narrowly focused on saving lives, we continue to pursue the broader goal of a Libya that belongs not to a dictator, but to its people.''' * '''Much of the debate in Washington has put forward a false choice when it comes to Libya.''' On the one hand, some question why America should intervene at all — even in limited ways — in this distant land. They argue that there are many places in the world where innocent civilians face brutal violence at the hands of their government, and America should not be expected to police the world, particularly when we have so many pressing needs here at home. <br> '''It’s true that America cannot use our military wherever repression occurs. And given the costs and risks of intervention, we must always measure our interests against the need for action. But that cannot be an argument for never acting on behalf of what’s right.''' In this particular country — Libya — at this particular moment, we were faced with the prospect of violence on a horrific scale. '''We had a unique ability to stop that violence: an international mandate for action, a broad coalition prepared to join us, the support of Arab countries, and a plea for help from the Libyan people themselves.''' We also had the ability to stop Qaddafi’s forces in their tracks without putting American troops on the ground. <br> '''To brush aside America’s responsibility as a leader and — more profoundly — our responsibilities to our fellow human beings under such circumstances would have been a betrayal of who we are.''' Some nations may be able to turn a blind eye to atrocities in other countries. The United States of America is different. And as President, I refused to wait for the images of slaughter and mass graves before taking action. * '''America has an important strategic interest in preventing Qaddafi from overrunning those who oppose him.''' A massacre would have driven thousands of additional refugees across Libya’s borders, putting enormous strains on the peaceful — yet fragile — transitions in Egypt and Tunisia. The democratic impulses that are dawning across the region would be eclipsed by the darkest form of dictatorship, as repressive leaders concluded that violence is the best strategy to cling to power. The writ of the United Nations Security Council would have been shown to be little more than empty words, crippling that institution’s future credibility to uphold global peace and security. '''So while I will never minimize the costs involved in military action, I am convinced that a failure to act in Libya would have carried a far greater price for America.''' * There is no question that Libya — and the world — would be better off with Qaddafi out of power. I, along with many other world leaders, have embraced that goal, and will actively pursue it through non-military means. But broadening our military mission to include regime change would be a mistake. <br> '''The task that I assigned our forces — to protect the Libyan people from immediate danger, and to establish a no-fly zone — carries with it a U.N. mandate and international support. It’s also what the Libyan opposition asked us to do. If we tried to overthrow Qaddafi by force, our coalition would splinter.''' We would likely have to put U.S. troops on the ground to accomplish that mission, or risk killing many civilians from the air. The dangers faced by our men and women in uniform would be far greater. So would the costs and our share of the responsibility for what comes next. * '''To be blunt, [[w:Iraq War|we went down that road in Iraq]].''' Thanks to the extraordinary sacrifices of our troops and the determination of our diplomats, we are hopeful about Iraq’s future. But regime change there took eight years, thousands of American and Iraqi lives, and nearly a trillion dollars. That is not something we can afford to repeat in Libya. * '''As the bulk of our military effort ratchets down, what we can do — and will do — is support the aspirations of the Libyan people. We have intervened to stop a massacre, and we will work with our allies and partners to maintain the safety of civilians.''' We will deny the regime arms, cut off its supplies of cash, assist the opposition, and work with other nations to hasten the day when Qaddafi leaves power. It may not happen overnight, as a badly weakened Qaddafi tries desperately to hang on to power. But it should be clear to those around Qaddafi, and to every Libyan, that history is not on Qaddafi’s side. With the time and space that we have provided for the Libyan people, they will be able to determine their own destiny, and that is how it should be. * '''As Commander-in-Chief, I have no greater responsibility than keeping this country safe. And no decision weighs on me more than when to deploy our men and women in uniform. I’ve made it clear that I will never hesitate to use our military swiftly, decisively, and unilaterally when necessary to defend our people, our homeland, our allies and our core interests.''' That's why we’re going after al Qaeda wherever they seek a foothold. That is why we continue to fight in Afghanistan, even as we have ended our combat mission in Iraq and removed more than 100,000 troops from that country. <br> '''There will be times, though, when our safety is not directly threatened, but our interests and our values are.''' Sometimes, the course of history poses '''challenges that threaten our common humanity and our common security — responding to natural disasters, for example; or preventing genocide and keeping the peace; ensuring regional security, and maintaining the flow of commerce. These may not be America’s problems alone, but they are important to us. They’re problems worth solving.''' And in these circumstances, we know that the United States, as the world’s most powerful nation, will often be called upon to help. <br> '''In such cases, we should not be afraid to act — but the burden of action should not be America’s alone. As we have in Libya, our task is instead to mobilize the international community for collective action.''' Because contrary to the claims of some, American leadership is not simply a matter of going it alone and bearing all of the burden ourselves. '''Real leadership creates the conditions and coalitions for others to step up as well; to work with allies and partners so that they bear their share of the burden and pay their share of the costs; and to see that the principles of justice and human dignity are upheld by all.''' * When one of our airmen parachuted to the ground, in a country whose leader has so often demonized the United States — in a region that has such a difficult history with our country — this American did not find enemies. Instead, he was met by people who embraced him. One young Libyan who came to his aid said, “We are your friends. We are so grateful to those men who are protecting the skies.” <br> '''This voice is just one of many in a region where a new generation is refusing to be denied their rights and opportunities any longer.  <br> Yes, this change will make the world more complicated for a time. Progress will be uneven, and change will come differently to different countries.''' There are places, like Egypt, where this change will inspire us and raise our hopes. And then there will be places, like Iran, where change is fiercely suppressed. '''The dark forces of civil conflict and sectarian war will have to be averted, and difficult political and economic concerns will have to be addressed.  <br> The United States will not be able to dictate the pace and scope of this change. Only the people of the region can do that. But we can make a difference.''' * '''I believe that this movement of change cannot be turned back, and that we must stand alongside those who believe in the same core principles that have guided us through many storms: our opposition to violence directed at one’s own people; our support for a set of universal rights, including the freedom for people to express themselves and choose their leaders; our support for governments that are ultimately responsive to the aspirations of the people. <br> Born, as we are, out of a revolution by those who longed to be free, we welcome the fact that history is on the move in the Middle East and North Africa, and that young people are leading the way.''' Because wherever people long to be free, they will find a friend in the United States. '''Ultimately, it is that faith — those ideals — that are the true measure of American leadership.''' * My fellow Americans, I know that at a time of upheaval overseas -- when the news is filled with conflict and change -- it can be tempting to turn away from the world. And as I’ve said before, '''our strength abroad is anchored in our strength here at home. That must always be our North Star -- the ability of our people to reach their potential, to make wise choices with our resources, to enlarge the prosperity that serves as a wellspring for our power, and to live the values that we hold so dear.''' * '''For generations, we have done the hard work of protecting our own people, as well as millions around the globe. We have done so because we know that our own future is safer, our own future is brighter, if more of mankind can live with the bright light of freedom and dignity.''' <br> Tonight, let us give thanks for the Americans who are serving through these trying times, and the coalition that is carrying our effort forward. And '''let us look to the future with confidence and hope not only for our own country, but for all those yearning for freedom around the world.''' ==== Remarks on death of Osama bin Laden (May 2011) ==== [[File:National Park Service 9-11 Statue of Liberty and WTC fire.jpg|thumb|On [[September 11 attacks|September 11, 2001]], in our time of grief, the American people came together. We offered our neighbors a hand, and we offered the wounded our blood. We reaffirmed our ties to each other, and our love of community and country.]] [[File:September 14 2001 Ground Zero 02.jpg|thumb|Tonight, let us think back to the sense of unity that prevailed on 9/11.]] [[File:Tribute in Light Memorial September 9 2004.jpg|thumb|The cause of securing our country is not complete. But tonight, we are once again reminded that America can do whatever we set our mind to.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2011/05/02/remarks-president-osama-bin-laden Whitehouse transcript and video (1 May 2011)]</small> * '''Good evening. Tonight, I can report to the American people and to the world that the United States has conducted an operation that killed [[Osama bin Laden]], the leader of al Qaeda, and a terrorist who’s responsible for the murder of thousands of innocent men, women, and children.''' * '''On [[September 11 attacks|September 11, 2001]], in our time of grief, the American people came together. We offered our neighbors a hand, and we offered the wounded our blood. We reaffirmed our ties to each other, and our love of community and country.''' On that day, no matter where we came from, what God we prayed to, or what race or ethnicity we were, we were united as one American family. <br> We were also united in our resolve to protect our nation and to bring those who committed this vicious attack to justice. We quickly learned that the 9/11 attacks were carried out by al Qaeda — an organization headed by Osama bin Laden, which had openly declared war on the United States and was committed to killing innocents in our country and around the globe. '''And so we went to war against al Qaeda to protect our citizens, our friends, and our allies.''' * Last August, after years of painstaking work by our intelligence community, I was briefed on a possible lead to bin Laden. It was far from certain, and it took many months to run this thread to ground. I met repeatedly with my national security team as we developed more information about the possibility that we had located bin Laden hiding within a compound deep inside of Pakistan. And finally, last week, I determined that we had enough intelligence to take action, and authorized an operation to get Osama bin Laden and bring him to justice. <br> '''Today, at my direction, the United States launched a targeted operation against that compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan. A small team of Americans carried out the operation with extraordinary courage and capability.''' No Americans were harmed. They took care to avoid civilian casualties. After a firefight, they killed Osama bin Laden and took custody of his body. * '''For over two decades, bin Laden has been al Qaeda’s leader and symbol, and has continued to plot attacks against our country and our friends and allies. The death of bin Laden marks the most significant achievement to date in our nation’s effort to defeat al Qaeda. <br> Yet his death does not mark the end of our effort.''' There’s no doubt that al Qaeda will continue to pursue attacks against us. We must — and we will — remain vigilant at home and abroad. <br> As we do, we must also reaffirm that the United States is not — and never will be — at war with Islam. I’ve made clear, just as President [[George W. Bush|Bush]] did shortly after 9/11, that our war is not against Islam. '''Bin Laden was not a Muslim leader; he was a mass murderer of Muslims. Indeed, al Qaeda has slaughtered scores of Muslims in many countries, including our own. So his demise should be welcomed by all who believe in peace and human dignity.''' * '''The American people did not choose this fight. It came to our shores, and started with the senseless slaughter of our citizens.''' After nearly 10 years of service, struggle, and sacrifice, we know well the costs of war. These efforts weigh on me every time I, as Commander-in-Chief, have to sign a letter to a family that has lost a loved one, or look into the eyes of a service member who’s been gravely wounded. <br> So Americans understand the costs of war. Yet as a country, we will never tolerate our security being threatened, nor stand idly by when our people have been killed. We will be relentless in defense of our citizens and our friends and allies. We will be true to the values that make us who we are. And on nights like this one, we can say to those families who have lost loved ones to al Qaeda’s terror: Justice has been done. * '''Tonight, we give thanks to the countless intelligence and counterterrorism professionals who’ve worked tirelessly to achieve this outcome.''' The American people do not see their work, nor know their names. But tonight, they feel the satisfaction of their work and the result of their pursuit of justice. <br> We give thanks for the men who carried out this operation, for they exemplify the professionalism, patriotism, and unparalleled courage of those who serve our country. * '''Tonight, let us think back to the sense of unity that prevailed on 9/11.''' I know that it has, at times, frayed. Yet today’s achievement is a testament to the greatness of our country and the determination of the American people. <br> The cause of securing our country is not complete. But tonight, we are once again reminded that America can do whatever we set our mind to. That is the story of our history, whether it’s the pursuit of prosperity for our people, or the struggle for equality for all our citizens; our commitment to stand up for our values abroad, and our sacrifices to make the world a safer place. <br> '''Let us remember that we can do these things not just because of wealth or power, but because of who we are: one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.''' <br> Thank you. May God bless you. And may God bless the United States of America. ==== Remarks by the President to Parliament in London, United Kingdom (May 2011) ==== :<small>[https://obamawhitehouse.archives.gov/the-press-office/2011/05/25/remarks-president-parliament-london-united-kingdom Remarks by the President to Parliament in London, United Kingdom (May 2011)]</small> * I have known few greater honors than the opportunity to address the Mother of Parliaments at Westminster Hall. I am told that the last three speakers here have been the Pope, Her Majesty the Queen, and Nelson Mandela -- which is either a very high bar or the beginning of a very funny joke. * I come here today to reaffirm one of the oldest, one of the strongest alliances the world has ever known. It’s long been said that the United States and the United Kingdom share a special relationship. And since we also share an especially active press corps, that relationship is often analyzed and overanalyzed for the slightest hint of stress or strain. * Centuries ago, when kings, emperors, and warlords reigned over much of the world, it was the English who first spelled out the rights and liberties of man in the Magna Carta. It was here, in this very hall, where the rule of law first developed, courts were established, disputes were settled, and citizens came to petition their leaders... Over time, the people of this nation waged a long and sometimes bloody struggle to expand and secure their freedom from the crown. Propelled by the ideals of the Enlightenment, they would ultimately forge an English Bill of Rights, and invest the power to govern in an elected parliament that’s gathered here today... What began on this island would inspire millions throughout the continent of Europe and across the world. But perhaps no one drew greater inspiration from these notions of freedom than your rabble-rousing colonists on the other side of the Atlantic. As Winston Churchill said, the "...Magna Carta, the Bill of Rights, Habeas Corpus, trial by jury, and English common law find their most famous expression in the American Declaration of Independence." * The nature of our leadership will need to change with the times. As I said the first time I came to London as President, for the G20 summit, the days are gone when Roosevelt and Churchill could sit in a room and solve the world’s problems over a glass of brandy -– although I’m sure that Prime Minister Cameron would agree that some days we could both use a stiff drink. * These challenges come at a time when the international order has already been reshaped for a new century. Countries like China, India, and Brazil are growing by leaps and bounds. We should welcome this development, for it has lifted hundreds of millions from poverty around the globe, and created new markets and opportunities for our own nations. And yet, as this rapid change has taken place, it’s become fashionable in some quarters to question whether the rise of these nations will accompany the decline of American and European influence around the world. Perhaps, the argument goes, these nations represent the future, and the time for our leadership has passed. That argument is wrong. The time for our leadership is now. It was the United States and the United Kingdom and our democratic allies that shaped a world in which new nations could emerge and individuals could thrive. And even as more nations take on the responsibilities of global leadership, our alliance will remain indispensable to the goal of a century that is more peaceful, more prosperous and more just. * Adam Smith’s central insight remains true today: There is no greater generator of wealth and innovation than a system of free enterprise that unleashes the full potential of individual men and women. That’s what led to the Industrial Revolution that began in the factories of Manchester. That is what led to the dawn of the Information Age that arose from the office parks of Silicon Valley. That’s why countries like China, India and Brazil are growing so rapidly -- because in fits and starts, they are moving toward market-based principles that the United States and the United Kingdom have always embraced. * Moreover, even when the free market works as it should, both our countries recognize that no matter how responsibly we live in our lives, hard times or bad luck, a crippling illness or a layoff may strike any one of us. And so part of our common tradition has expressed itself in a conviction that every citizen deserves a basic measure of security -– health care if you get sick, unemployment insurance if you lose your job, a dignified retirement after a lifetime of hard work. That commitment to our citizens has also been the reason for our leadership in the world. * We do these things because we believe not simply in the rights of nations; we believe in the rights of citizens. That is the beacon that guided us through our fight against fascism and our twilight struggle against communism. * Precisely because we are willing to bear its burden, we know well the cost of war. And that is why we built an alliance that was strong enough to defend this continent while deterring our enemies. At its core, NATO is rooted in the simple concept of Article Five: that no NATO nation will have to fend on its own; that allies will stand by one another, always. And for six decades, NATO has been the most successful alliance in human history. * And we share a common interest in development that advances dignity and security. To succeed, we must cast aside the impulse to look at impoverished parts of the globe as a place for charity. Instead, we should empower the same forces that have allowed our own people to thrive: We should help the hungry to feed themselves, the doctors who care for the sick. We should support countries that confront corruption, and allow their people to innovate. And we should advance the truth that nations prosper when they allow women and girls to reach their full potential. * We also know that populism can take dangerous turns -– from the extremism of those who would use democracy to deny minority rights, to the nationalism that left so many scars on this continent in the 20th century. * Churchill and Roosevelt had their differences. They were keen observers of each other’s blind spots and shortcomings, if not always their own, and they were hard-headed about their ability to remake the world. But what joined the fates of these two men at that particular moment in history was not simply a shared interest in victory on the battlefield. It was a shared belief in the ultimate triumph of human freedom and human dignity -– a conviction that we have a say in how this story ends. * With courage and purpose, with humility and with hope, with faith in the promise of tomorrow, let us march straightforward together, enduring allies in the cause of a world that is more peaceful, more prosperous, and more just. ==== UN speech to General Assembly (September 2011) ==== :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2011/09/21/remarks-president-obama-address-united-nations-general-assembly Remarks by President Obama in Address to the United Nations General Assembly, September 21, 2011]</small> * America’s commitment to Israel’s security is unshakeable. Our friendship with Israel is deep and enduring. And so we believe that any lasting peace must acknowledge the very real security concerns that Israel faces every single day. * Israel is surrounded by neighbors that have waged repeated wars against it. Israel’s citizens have been killed by rockets fired at their houses and suicide bombs on their buses. Israel’s children come of age knowing that throughout the region, other children are taught to hate them. Israel, a small country of less than eight million people, looks out at a world where leaders of much larger nations threaten to wipe it off of the map. The Jewish people carry the burden of centuries of exile, and persecution, and the fresh memory of knowing that six million people were killed simply because of who they are. * The Jewish people have forged a successful state in their historic homeland. Israel deserves recognition. It deserves normal relations with its neighbors. And friends of the Palestinians do them no favors by ignoring this truth, just as friends of Israel must recognize the need to pursue a two-state solution with a secure Israel next to an independent Palestine. * As we meet here today, men and women and children are being tortured, detained and murdered by the Syrian regime. Thousands have been killed, many during the holy time of Ramadan. Thousands more have poured across Syria’s borders. The Syrian people have shown dignity and courage in their pursuit of justice -- protesting peacefully, standing silently in the streets, dying for the same values that this institution is supposed to stand for. And the question for us is clear: Will we stand with the Syrian people, or with their oppressors? * Already, the United States has imposed strong sanctions on Syria’s leaders. We supported a transfer of power that is responsive to the Syrian people. And many of our allies have joined in this effort. But for the sake of Syria -- and the peace and security of the world -- we must speak with one voice. There's no excuse for inaction. Now is the time for the United Nations Security Council to sanction the Syrian regime, and to stand with the Syrian people. ==== Remarks on the economy (July 2011) ==== * I will not sign a 30-day or a 60-day or a 90-day extension. That is just not an acceptable approach. And if we think it’s going to be hard -- if we think it’s hard now, imagine how these guys are going to be thinking six months from now in the middle of election season where they’re all up. It’s not going to get easier. It’s going to get harder. So we might as well do it now -- pull off the Band-Aid; eat our peas. Now is the time to do it. If not now, when? ** Regarding stopgap measures for the federal budget, [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2011/07/11/press-conference-president White House press conference (11 July 2011)] * It is easy to get to a higher number when you are not asking anything difficult from yourself. **In response to [[:w:en:Party leaders of the United States House of Representatives|House Majority Leader]] [[Eric Cantor]] ([[:w:en:Republican|R]]-[[:w:en:Virgiania|Va.]]), who, on behalf of the Republican party, wanted steeper cuts, while opposing tax rises (also termed as revenue enhancements) in a meeting about the U.S. [[:w:en:United States public debt#Debt ceiling|debt ceiling]] on July 13, 2011. ** According to an unidentified source{{source}}, as reported by blogger Sam Stien, [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/07/13/obama-debt-ceiling-meeting_n_897834.html "Obama Warns Cantor 'Don't Call My Bluff' As Debt Talks Stall,"] ''The Huffington Post'', 14 July 2011 <!-- "The president reportedly responded" isn't even an attribution, it's a rumor --> * I've been left at the altar now a couple of times. ** On the progress with [[w:2011_US_debt_ceiling_crisis|debt ceiling negotiations]]. [http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/2011-07-22-obama-boehner-debt-talks_n.htm?csp=34news USA Today (July 23, 2011): ''Debt talks crisis: Boehner, Obama trading blame''] * Markets will rise and fall, but this is the United States of America. No matter what some agency may say, we've always been and always will be a AAA country. ** On the credit rating agency Standard & Poor's decision to downgrade the USA's credit rating, as quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/09/us/politics/09obama.html Obama Counsels Calm, but No Deal Is in Sight]", ''The New York Times'' (8 August 2011)] <!-- also [http://www.barackobama.com/news/entry/we-will-always-be-a-aaa-country/ "We Will Always Be a AAA Country" ''barackobama.com'', (8 August 2012) --> ==== Remarks at a Dedication Ceremony for the [[w:Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial|Martin Luther King, Jr., National Memorial]] (October 2011) ==== [[File:20081102 Obama-Springsteen Rally in Cleveland.JPG|thumb|Change has never been quick. Change has never been simple, or without controversy. Change depends on persistence. Change requires determination.]] :<small>Barack Obama's [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=96905&st=&st1=#axzz1uaMPaFY3 remarks at the Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial Dedication at The National Mall in Washington, D.C.] (16 October 2011)</small> * '''First and foremost, let us remember that change has never been quick. Change has never been simple, or without controversy. Change depends on persistence. Change requires determination.''' * [[Martin Luther King, Jr.|Dr. King]] understood that peace without justice was no peace at all; that '''aligning our reality with our ideals often requires the speaking of uncomfortable truths and the creative tension of non-violent protest.''' But he also understood that '''to bring about true and lasting change, there must be the possibility of reconciliation'''; that any social movement has to channel this tension through the spirit of love and mutuality. If he were alive today, I believe he would remind us that the unemployed worker can rightly challenge the excesses of Wall Street without demonizing all who work there; that the businessman can enter tough [[negotiations]] with his company’s union without vilifying the right to collectively bargain. He would want us to know we can argue fiercely about the proper size and role of government without questioning each other’s love for this country -- (applause) -- with the knowledge that in this democracy, '''government is no distant object but is rather an expression of our common commitments to one another.''' He would call on us to assume the best in each other rather than the worst, and challenge one another in ways that ultimately heal rather than wound. === 2012 === [[File:2012 Sydney protest.jpg|thumb|right|The strongest weapon against hateful speech is not repression; it is more speech -- the voices of tolerance that rally against [[bigotry]] and [[blasphemy]], and lift up the values of understanding and mutual respect. [...] There is no speech that justifies mindless violence. There are no words that excuse the killing of innocents.]] [[File:AdoptionOf13thAmendment.jpg|thumb|Public service ought to be more than just doing what’s popular in the moment. [...] it ought to be about what’s right for our nation, over the long term. It ought to be about problem-solving and governance, not just how we can score political points on each other or engage in obstructionism. And where compromise is not a vice and where bipartisanship is a actually considered a virtue -- to be rewarded, not punished.]] * My main message is to the parents of [[w:Trayvon Martin|Trayvon Martin]]. You know, if I had a son, he'd look like Trayvon. ** [http://www.politico.com/blogs/politico44/2012/03/obama-if-i-had-a-son-hed-look-like-trayvon-118439 Obama: 'If I had a son, he'd look like Trayvon'], ''Politico'' (23 March 2012) * 'After my election, I have more flexibility', spoken March 26, 2012 to Russian Prime Minister [[Dmitry Medvedev]] while in Korea. ** [http://www.washingtonpost.com/posttv/politics/obama-overheard-after-my-election-i-have-more-flexibility-131/2012/03/26/gIQA8mWmbS_video.html The Washington Post: "Obama overheard: 'After my election, I have more flexibility' (1:31)" (March 26, 2012)] * By 2014, the war in Afghanistan will be over. ** [https://twitter.com/barackobama/status/198829802206150656 Tweet] (5 May 2012) * The truth of the matter is that, as I said, we've created 4.3 million jobs over the last 27 months, over 800,000 just this year alone. '''The private sector is doing fine.''' Where we're seeing weaknesses in our economy have to do with state and local government — oftentimes, cuts initiated by governors or mayors who are not getting the kind of help that they have in the past from the federal government and who don't have the same kind of flexibility as the federal government in dealing with fewer revenues coming in. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2012/06/08/remarks-president press conference] on the economy, {{#formatdate:2012-06-08}}, quoted in {{cite news | date = 2012-06-10 | title = Obama's private sector remarks critiqued, defended on Sunday shows | first = Morgan | last = Little | newspaper = {{w|Los Angeles Times}} | url = http://articles.latimes.com/2012/jun/10/news/la-pn-obamas-private-sector-remarks-critiqued-defended-on-sunday-shows-20120610 | accessdate = 2012-06-29 }} * Listen, it is absolutely clear the economy is not doing fine. That's the reason I had a press conference. That's why I spent yesterday, the day before yesterday, this past week, this past month, and this past year talking about how we can make the economy stronger. The economy is not doing fine. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2012/06/08/remarks-president-obama-and-president-aquino-philippines-after-bilateral press conference] welcoming President Aquino of the Philippines, {{#formatdate:2012-06-08}}, quoted in {{cite news | date = 2012-06-10 | title = Obama's private sector remarks critiqued, defended on Sunday shows | first = Morgan | last = Little | newspaper = {{w|Los Angeles Times}} | url = http://articles.latimes.com/2012/jun/10/news/la-pn-obamas-private-sector-remarks-critiqued-defended-on-sunday-shows-20120610 | accessdate = 2012-06-29 }} ** posed question: "Mr. President, Mitt Romney says you're out of touch for saying the private sector is doing fine. What's your response?" *<p>There are a lot of wealthy, successful Americans who agree with me — because they want to give something back. They know they didn't — look, '''if you've been successful, you didn't get there on your own. You didn't get there on your own.''' I'm always struck by people who think, "well, it must be because I was just so smart." There are a lot of smart people out there. "It must be because I worked harder than everybody else." Let me tell you something — there are a whole bunch of hardworking people out there.</p><p>'''If you were successful, somebody along the line gave you some help.''' There was a great teacher somewhere in your life. Somebody helped to create this unbelievable American system that we have that allowed you to thrive. Somebody invested in roads and bridges; '''if you've got a business, you didn't build that. Somebody else made that happen.''' The Internet didn't get invented on its own. Government research created the Internet so that all the companies could make money off the Internet.</p> ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2012/07/13/remarks-president-campaign-event-roanoke-virginia Campaign speech], Roanoke, Virginia, {{#formatdate:2012-07-13}}, quoted in {{cite news | date = 2012-07-16 | title = Did Obama Say, ‘If You’ve Got a Business, You Didn’t Build That’? | first = Jake | last = Tapper | newspaper = {{w|ABC News}} | url = http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2012/07/did-obama-say-if-youve-got-a-business-you-didnt-build-that/ | accessdate = 2012-07-29 }} For further information see [[w:You didn't build that|You didn't build that]] speech. * I'll cut out government spending that's not working, that we can't afford, but I'm also going to ask anybody making over $250,000 a year to go back to the tax rates they were paying under [[Bill Clinton]], back when our economy created 23 million new jobs, the biggest budget surplus in history and everybody did well. Just like we've tried their plan, '''we tried our plan — and it worked'''. That's the difference. That's the choice in this election. That's why I'm running for a second term. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2012/07/24/remarks-president-campaign-event Campaign speech], Oakland, California, {{#formatdate:2012-07-24}}, quoted in {{cite news | date = 2012-07-26 | title = Obama Now Partly Running On Bill Clinton’s Record — ‘Our Plan’ | first = Jake | last = Tapper | newspaper = ABC News | url = http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2012/07/obama-now-partly-running-on-bill-clintons-record-our-plan/ | accessdate = 2012-08-03 }} ** Partially quoted as "We tried our plan and it worked. That's the difference. That's the choice in this election. That's why I'm running for a second term." in Mitt Romney "[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0etEmiCL8M It Worked]" campaign ad ({{#formatdate:2012-07-26}}) * Now, when we came together, we knew restoring that bargain — that deal, that compact — was not going to be easy. '''We knew it would take more than one year or one term or maybe even one President, because we had seen what had happened in the previous decade.''' Jobs had moved overseas. Folks were working harder and harder, but their wages or incomes, they were staying flat, sometimes even going down. The cost of everything from health care to college was going up. And then, it all culminated in the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression — a crisis that robbed too many of our friends and our neighbors of jobs, the value of their homes, their savings. And all that pushed the American Dream even further out of reach for too many working people. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2012/08/08/remarks-president-campaign-event Campaign speech], Grand Junction High School, Colorado, {{#formatdate:2012-08-08}}, quoted in {{cite news | date = 2012-08-09 | title = Obama in Colorado: “We knew it was going to take longer than one term . . .” | first = Ben | last = Collins | newspaper = Mitt Romney Central | url = http://mittromneycentral.com/2012/08/09/obama-in-colorado-we-knew-it-was-going-to-take-longer-than-one-term/ | accessdate = 2012-08-10 }} ** Furthermore compare what Obama said in [[Barack_Obama#2009|2009]] * '''You know, I would say Incomplete'''...but what I would say is the steps that we have taken in saving the auto industry, in making sure that college is more affordable and investing in clean energy and science and technology and research, those are all the things that we are going to need to grow over the long term. ** quoted in {{cite news | date = 2012-09-03 | title = 11 News Anchor Dianne Derby Interviews President Obama | first = Dianne | last = Derby | newspaper = kktv.com | url = http://www.kktv.com/home/headlines/11-News-Anchor-Dianne-Derby-168414096.html | accessdate = 2012-09-04 }} ** posed question: Your party says you inherited a bad situation. You've had three and a half years to fix it. What grade would you give yourself so far for doing that? * Making products that we sell around the world stamped with three proud words: Made in the USA. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2012/09/09/remarks-president-campaign-event-melbourne-florida Remarks by the President at a Campaign Event – Melbourne, Florida] (9 September 2012) * We need a President who is fighting for all Americans, not one who writes off nearly half the country. ** [https://twitter.com/BarackObama/status/248112876240379904 Tweet] (18 Sep 2012) * I think that I've learned some lessons over the past four years, and the most important lesson I've learned is that '''you can't change Washington from the inside. You can only change it from the outside.''' That's how I got elected and that's how the big accomplishments like health care got done – was because we mobilized the American people to speak out. That's how we were able to cut taxes for middle class families. So, something that I'd really like to concentrate on in my second term is being in a much more constant conversation with the American people, so that ''they'' can put pressure on Congress to move some of these issues forward. ** Univision forum, {{#formatdate:2012-09-20}}, quoted in {{cite news | date = 2012-09-20 | title = Obama: ‘You Can’t Change Washington From The Inside’ | first = Noah | last = Rothman | newspaper = Mediaite.com | url = http://www.mediaite.com/tv/obama-you-cant-change-washington-from-the-inside/ | accessdate = 2012-09-21 }} * '''In every culture, those who love freedom for themselves must ask themselves how much they're willing to tolerate freedom for others.''' That is what we saw play out in the last two weeks, as a crude and disgusting [[w:Innocence of Muslims|video]] sparked outrage throughout the [[Muslim world]]. Now, I have made it clear that the United States government had nothing to do with this video, and I believe its [[message]] must be rejected by all who respect our common humanity. It is an insult not only to Muslims, but to America as well. [...] I know there are some who ask why we don't just ban such a video. And the answer is enshrined in our laws: Our Constitution protects the right to practice [[free speech]]. Here in the United States, countless publications provoke offense. Like me, the majority of Americans are [[Christian]], and yet we do not [[Censorship|ban]] [[blasphemy]] against our most [[sacred]] [[beliefs]]. As President of our country and Commander-in-Chief of our military, I accept that people are going to call me awful things every day -- (laughter) -- and I will always defend their right to do so. (Applause.) [...] '''The strongest weapon against hateful speech is not repression; it is more speech -- the voices of tolerance that rally against bigotry and blasphemy, and lift up the values of understanding and mutual respect. [...] On this we must agree: There is no speech that justifies mindless violence.''' (Applause.) '''There are no words that excuse the killing of innocents.''' There's no video that justifies an attack on an embassy. There's no slander that provides an excuse for people to burn a restaurant in Lebanon, or destroy a school in Tunis, or cause death and destruction in Pakistan. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2012/09/25/remarks-president-un-general-assembly Remarks by the President to the UN General Assembly] (25 September 2012), quoted in [http://www.mediaite.com/tv/president-obama-condemns-both-disgusting-anti-islam-video-and-mindless-violence-before-the-u-n/ "President Obama Condemns Both ‘Disgusting’ Anti-Islam Video And ‘Mindless’ Violence Before The U.N."] by Andrew Kirell, ''mediaite.com''. [[File:Al-Masjid AL-Nabawi Door.jpg|thumbnail|The future must not belong to those who slander the prophet of [[Islam]].]] * '''The future must not belong to those who target [[w:Coptic Christians|Coptic Christians]] in [[Egypt]] — it must be claimed by those in Tahrir Square who chanted "[[Muslims]], [[Christians]], we are one." '''The future must not belong to those who bully women — it must be shaped by girls who go to school, and those who stand for a world where our daughters can live their dreams just like our sons. The future must not belong to those corrupt few who steal a country's resources — it must be won by the students and entrepreneurs; workers and business owners who seek a broader prosperity for all people. Those are the men and women that America stands with; theirs is the vision we will support. '''The future must not belong to those who slander the prophet of [[Islam]]. Yet to be credible, those who condemn that slander must also condemn the [[hate]] we see when the image of [[Jesus]] [[Christ]] is desecrated, churches are destroyed, or [[the Holocaust]] is denied.''' Let us condemn incitement against [[Sufi]] Muslims, and Shiite pilgrims. It is time to heed the words of [[Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi|Gandhi]]: "[[Intolerance]] is itself a form of [[violence]] and an obstacle to the growth of a true democratic spirit." Together, we must work towards a world where we are strengthened by our differences, and not defined by them. That is what America embodies, and that is the vision we will support. ** Speech to United Nations General Assembly, {{#formatdate:2012-09-25}}, quoted in {{cite news | date = 2012-09-25 | title = Obama: ‘The Future Must Not Belong To Those Who Slander the Prophet of Islam’ | first = Katrina | last = Trinko | newspaper = National Review | url = http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/328483/obama-future-must-not-belong-those-who-slander-prophet-islam-katrina-trinko | accessdate = 2012-09-29 }} * “Assume that in 30 minutes you will stop being president. I will take your place. Prepare me. Teach me how to be president.” <br> This was the third time I’d put the question to him, in one form or another. The first time, a month earlier in this same cabin, he’d had a lot of trouble getting his mind around the idea that I, not he, was president. He’d started by saying something he knew to be dull and expected but that—he insisted—was nevertheless perfectly true. “Here is what I would tell you,” he’d said. “'''I would say that your first and principal task is to think about the hopes and dreams the American people invested in you. Everything you are doing has to be viewed through this prism. And I tell you what every president … I actually think every president understands this responsibility.''' I don’t know [[George W. Bush|George Bush]] well. I know [[Bill Clinton]] better. But I think they both approached the job in that spirit.” Then he added that the world thinks he spends a lot more time worrying about political angles than he actually does. :* [[w:Michael Lewis|Michael Lewis]], [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2012/10/michael-lewis-profile-barack-obama "Obama's Way"], ''Vanity Fair'', (October 2012). * The gist of Obama’s advice to any would-be president is something like this: You may think that the presidency is essentially a public-relations job. Relations with the public are indeed important, maybe now more than ever, as public opinion is the only tool he has for pressuring an intractable opposition to agree on anything. He admits that he has been guilty, at times, of misreading the public. He badly underestimated, for instance, how little it would cost Republicans politically to oppose ideas they had once advocated, merely because Obama supported them. He thought the other side would pay a bigger price for inflicting damage on the country for the sake of defeating a president. But the idea that he might somehow frighten Congress into doing what he wanted was, to him, clearly absurd. “All of these forces have created an environment in which the incentives for politicians to cooperate don’t function the way they used to,” he said. “'''[[Lyndon B. Johnson|L.B.J.]] operated in an environment in which if he got a couple of committee chairmen to agree he had a deal. Those chairmen didn’t have to worry about a Tea Party challenge. About cable news. That model has progressively shifted for each president. It’s not a fear-versus-a-nice-guy approach that is the choice. The question is: How do you shape public opinion and frame an issue so that it’s hard for the opposition to say no. And these days you don’t do that by saying, ‘I’m going to withhold an earmark,’ or ‘I’m not going to appoint your brother-in-law to the federal bench.’'''” :* [[w:Michael Lewis|Michael Lewis]], [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2012/10/michael-lewis-profile-barack-obama "Obama's Way"], ''Vanity Fair'', (October 2012). * Many if not most of his decisions are thrust upon the president, out of the blue, by events beyond his control: oil spills, financial panics, pandemics, earthquakes, fires, coups, invasions, underwear bombers, movie-theater shooters, and on and on and on. They don’t order themselves neatly for his consideration but come in waves, jumbled on top of each other. '''“Nothing comes to my desk that is perfectly solvable,” Obama said at one point. “Otherwise, someone else would have solved it. So you wind up dealing with probabilities. Any given decision you make you’ll wind up with a 30 to 40 percent chance that it isn’t going to work. You have to own that and feel comfortable with the way you made the decision. You can’t be paralyzed by the fact that it might not work out.”''' On top of all of this, after you have made your decision, you need to feign total certainty about it. People being led do not want to think probabilistically. :* [[w:Michael Lewis|Michael Lewis]], [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2012/10/michael-lewis-profile-barack-obama "Obama's Way"], ''Vanity Fair'', (October 2012). *<p>Now that we're 18 days before the election, Mr. Severely Conservative wants you to think he was severely kidding about everything he said over the last year. He told folks he was the ideal candidate for the Tea Party, now he's telling folks, "What? Who me?" He's forgetting what his own positions are. And he's betting that you will too. I mean, he's changing up so much and backtrackin' and sidesteppin'. We've gotta name this condition that he's going though. I think it's called Romnesia. That's what it's called. I think that's what he's goin' through. Now, I'm not a medical doctor, but I do wanna go over some of the symptoms with you, because I wanna make sure nobody else catches it.</p><p>You know, if you ''say'' you're for equal pay for equal work, but you keep refusing to say whether or not you'd sign [[w:Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act of 2009|a bill that protects equal pay for equal work]], you might have Romnesia.</p><p>If you say women should have access to contraceptive care, but you support legislation that would let your employer deny you contraceptive care, you might have a case of Romnesia.</p><p>If you say you'll protect a woman's right to choose, but you stand up in a primary debate and say that you'd be delighted to sign a law outlying — outlawing that right to choose in ''all'' cases — man, you ''definitely'' got Romnesia.</p><p>Now, this extends to other issues. If you say earlier in the year, "I'm gonna give a tax cut to the top 1%", and in a debate you say, "I don't know anything about giving tax cuts to rich folks", you need to get a thermometer, take your temperature, because you've probably got Romnesia.</p><p>If you say that you're a champion of the coal industry when, while you were governor, you stood in front of a coal plant and said "This plant will kill you" —[audience: Romnesia!] that's some Romnesia.</p><p>And if you come down with a case of Romnesia and you can't seem to remember the policies that are still on your website, or the promises you've made over the six years you've been running for President, here's the good news: Obamacare covers pre-existing conditions. We can fix you up.. We've got a cure. We can make you well, Virginia. This is a curable disease.</p> ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2012/10/19/remarks-president-campaign-event-fairfax-va Campaign rally], George Mason University, Fairfax, Virginia, {{#formatdate:2012-10-19}} * The sequester is not something that I proposed. It's something that Congress has proposed. It will not happen. ** [http://www.npr.org/2012/10/22/163436694/transcript-3rd-obama-romney-presidential-debate Third Presidential Debate] (22 October 2012) * I think Governor Romney maybe hasn't spent enough time looking at how our military works. You mentioned the Navy, for example, and that we have fewer ships than we did in 1916. Well, Governor, '''we also have fewer horses and [[bayonets]]''', because the nature of our military's changed. We have these things called aircraft carriers, where planes land on them. We have these ships that go underwater, nuclear submarines. And so the question is not a game of [[w:Battleship (game)|Battleship]], where we're counting ships. It's: What are our capabilities? ** [http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/OTUS/presidential-debate-full-transcript/story?id=17538888 Third presidential debate], Lynn University, Boca Raton, Florida, {{#formatdate:2012-10-22}}, quoted in {{citation | date = 2012-10-23 | title = Horses, bayonets, and battleships | first = Prachi | last = Gupta | periodical = [[w:Salon (magazine)|Salon]] | url = http://www.salon.com/2012/10/23/horses_bayonets_and_battleships/ | accessdate = 2012-10-24 }} * When it comes to our foreign policy, you seem to want to import the foreign policies of the 1980s, just like the social policies of the 1950s and the economic policies of the 1920s. ** [http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/OTUS/presidential-debate-full-transcript/story?id=17538888 Third presidential debate], Lynn University, Boca Raton, Florida, {{#formatdate:2012-10-22}}, quoted in {{citation | date = 2012-10-22 | title = The Winning Combination | first = Editorial | last = | periodical = New York Sun | url = http://www.nysun.com/editorials/the-winning-combination/88047/ | accessdate = 2012-10-25 }} * But right now, the key is to make sure that the public is following instructions. For those of you who still need additional information about how to respond, you can go to Ready.gov -- that’s Ready.gov. And that website should provide you with all the information that your family needs in terms of how you can prepare for this storm. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/photos-and-video/video/2012/10/29/president-obama-makes-statement-hurricane-sandy#transcript Remarks by the President on Hurricane Sandy], quoted in {{citation | date = 2012-10-29 | title = FEMA, W.H. send storm victims to Internet | first = Steve | last = Friess | periodical = Politico | url = http://www.politico.com/news/stories/1012/83024.html?hp=l10 | accessdate = 2012-11-02 }} *Ayn Rand is one of those things that a lot of us, when we were 17 or 18 and feeling misunderstood, we'd pick up. Then, as we get older, we realize that a world in which we're only thinking about ourselves and not thinking about anybody else, in which we're considering the entire project of developing ourselves as more important than our relationships to other people and making sure that everybody else has opportunity – that that's a pretty narrow vision. **[http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/obama-and-the-road-ahead-the-rolling-stone-interview-20121025 "Obama and the Road Ahead: The Rolling Stone Interview"], 2012 * And at the time the Republican Congress and a Senate candidate by the name of Mitt Romney — ''[crowd boos]'' No, no, no — Don't boo, vote. Vote! '''Voting's the best revenge.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2012/11/02/remarks-president-springfield-oh Springfield, Ohio campaign event], {{#formatdate:2012-11-02}} ** quoted in {{citation | date = 2012-11-02 | title = Obama to supporters: Voting 'best revenge' against Mitt Romney | first = Joe | last = Newby | periodical = Examiner | url = http://www.examiner.com/node/54880521 | accessdate = 2012-11-03 }} and {{citation | date = 2012-11-03 | title = Obama tells crowd 'voting is the best revenge'; Romney freaks out | first = Laura | last = Clawson | periodical = {{w|Daily Kos}} | url = http://www.dailykos.com/story/2012/11/03/1154805/-Obama-tells-crowd-voting-is-the-best-revenge-Romney-freaks-out | accessdate = 2012-11-03 }} * '''[D]emocracy is not something that is static; it’s something that we constantly have to work on. [...]democracy is a little messier than alternative systems of government, but that’s because democracy allows everybody to have a voice. And that system of government lasts, and it’s legitimate, and when agreements are finally struck, you know that nobody is being left out of the conversation.''' And that’s the reason for our stability and our prosperity. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2012/11/18/remarks-president-obama-and-prime-minister-shinawatra-joint-press-confer Joint news conference with Thai Prime Minister Yingluck Shinawatra at Government House, Bangkok, Thailand on November 18, 2012] * At times, we’ve disagreed on matters of policy. But one thing we’ve always shared is a notion of what '''public service''' should be. That it '''ought to be more than just doing what’s popular in the moment.''' That it '''ought to be about what’s right for our nation, over the long term. It ought to be about problem-solving and governance, not just how we can score political points on each other or engage in obstructionism. And where compromise is not a vice and where bipartisanship is a actually considered a virtue -- to be rewarded, not punished.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2012/12/03/remarks-president-nunn-lugar-cooperative-threat-reduction-symposium Remarks by the President at the Nunn-Lugar Cooperative Threat Reduction Symposium hold at The National War College in Washington, D.C. on December 03, 2012.] ==== Remarks at Clinton Global Initiative (September 2012) ==== [[File:Slavezanzibar2.JPG|thumb|Our people and our children are not for sale.]] [[File:Abolish child slavery.jpg|thumb|A sense of justice that says no child should ever be exploited, that has to be burned into the cultures of every country.]] [[File:Barack Obama at the Clinton Global Initiative.jpg|thumb|Human trafficking is not a business model, it is a crime.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/09/23/remarks-president-clinton-global-initiative Remarks by the President to the Clinton Global Initiative] at Sheraton New York Hotel and Towers in New York City, New York on September 25, 2012</small> * As [[Bill Clinton|Bill]] mentioned, I’ve come to CGI every year that I’ve been President, and I’ve talked with you about how we need to sustain the economic recovery, how we need to create more jobs. I’ve talked about the importance of development -- from global health to our fight against HIV/AIDS to the growth that lifts nations to prosperity. We've talked about development and how it has to include women and girls -- because by every benchmark, nations that educate their women and girls end up being more successful. And today, I want to discuss an issue that relates to each of these challenges. '''It ought to concern every person, because it is a debasement of our common humanity. It ought to concern every community, because it tears at our social fabric. It ought to concern every business, because it distorts markets. It ought to concern every nation, because it endangers public health and fuels violence and organized crime. I’m talking about the injustice, the outrage, of human trafficking, which must be called by its true name -- modern slavery.''' * Now, I do not use that word, "slavery" lightly. It evokes obviously one of the most painful chapters in our nation’s history. But around the world, there’s no denying the awful reality. '''When a man, desperate for work, finds himself in a factory or on a fishing boat or in a field, working, toiling, for little or no pay, and beaten if he tries to escape -- that is slavery. When a woman is locked in a sweatshop, or trapped in a home as a domestic servant, alone and abused and incapable of leaving -- that’s slavery. When a little boy is kidnapped, turned into a child soldier, forced to kill or be killed -- that’s slavery. When a little girl is sold by her impoverished family''' -- girls my daughters’ age -- '''runs away from home, or is lured by the false promises of a better life, and then imprisoned in a brothel and tortured if she resists -- that’s slavery. It is barbaric, and it is evil, and it has no place in a civilized world.''' * '''Our people and our children are not for sale.''' But for all the progress that we’ve made, '''the bitter truth is that trafficking also goes on right here, in the United States. It’s the [[Migrant worker#United States|migrant worker]] unable to pay off the debt to his trafficker. The man, lured here with the promise of a job, his documents then taken, and forced to work endless hours in a kitchen. The teenage girl, beaten, forced to walk the streets. This should not be happening in the United States of America.''' * '''Of course, no government, no nation, can meet this challenge alone. Everybody has a responsibility. Every nation can take action. Modern anti-trafficking laws must be passed and enforced and justice systems must be strengthened. Victims must be cared for. [...] And more broadly, as nations, let’s recommit to addressing the underlying forces that push so many into bondage in the first place. With development and economic growth that creates legitimate jobs, there’s less likelihood of indentured servitude around the globe. A sense of justice that says no child should ever be exploited, that has to be burned into the cultures of every country.''' * '''Human trafficking is not a [[business model]], it is a crime''', and we are going to stop it. * And every business can take action. All the business leaders who are here and our global economy companies have a responsibility to make sure that their supply chains, stretching into the far corners of the globe, are free of forced labor. [...] Every faith community can take action as well, by educating their congregations, by joining in coalitions that are bound by a love of God and a concern for the oppressed. And '''like that Good Samaritan on the road to Jericho, we can’t just pass by, indifferent. We’ve got to be moved by compassion. We’ve got to bind up the wounds. Let’s come together around a simple truth -- that we are our brother’s keepers and we are our sister’s keepers.''' And finally, '''every citizen can take action: by learning more'''; by going to the website that we helped create -- SlaveryFootprint.org; '''by speaking up and insisting that the clothes we wear, the food we eat, the products we buy are made free of forced labor; by standing up against the degradation and abuse of women.''' ==== Re-election Speech (November 2012) ==== :<small>[http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2012/11/07/transcript-obama-reelection-speech/ Transcript of Barack Obama's reelection speech as reported by FoxNews.com, (7 November 2012)]</small> [http://www.examiner.com/article/president-obama-wins-reelection-moving-country-forward-with-hope-and-change Delievered at McCormick Place convention center in Chicago, Illinois] [http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/president-obama-victory-speech-hopeful-america-article-1.1197895 on November 6, 2012.] [[File:Defense.gov photo essay 120528-D-BW835-460.jpg|thumb|While each of us will pursue our own individual dreams, we are an American family and we rise or fall together as one nation and as one people.]] [[File:Obama speaking (23).jpg|thumb|Hope is that stubborn thing inside us that insists, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us so long as we have the courage to keep reaching, to keep working, to keep fighting.]] [[File:Empire State Building Blue Obama Election.JPG|thumb|We are greater than the sum of our individual ambitions, and we remain more than [[w:Red states and blue states|a collection of red states and blue states]]. We are and forever will be the United States of America.]] * Tonight, more than 200 years [[w:History of the United States#Formation_of_the_United_States_.281776.E2.80.931789.29|after a former colony won the right to determine its own destiny]], the task of [[w:Preamble to the United States Constitution|perfecting our union]] moves forward. It moves forward because of you. It moves forward because you reaffirmed the spirit that has triumphed over [[w:World War II|war]] and [[w:Great Depression|depression]], the spirit that has lifted this country from the depths of despair to the great heights of hope, the belief that '''while each of us will pursue our own individual dreams, we are an American family and we rise or fall together as one nation and as one people.''' * Democracy in a nation of 300 million can be noisy and messy and complicated. '''We have our own opinions. Each of us has deeply held beliefs. And when we go through tough times, when we make big decisions as a country, it necessarily stirs passions, stirs up controversy. That won't change after tonight, and it shouldn't. These arguments we have are a mark of our liberty. We can never forget that as we speak people in distant nations are risking their lives right now just for a chance to argue about the issues that matter, the chance to cast their ballots like we did today.''' But despite all our differences, most of us share certain hopes for America's future. :We want our kids to grow up in a country where they have access to the best schools and the best teachers. :A country that lives up to its legacy as the global leader in technology and discovery and innovation, with all the good jobs and new businesses that follow. :We want our children to live in an America that isn't burdened by debt, that isn't weakened by inequality, that isn't threatened by the destructive power of a warming planet. :We want to pass on a country that's safe and respected and admired around the world, a nation that is defended by the strongest military on earth and the best troops this -- this world has ever known. :But also a country that moves with confidence beyond this time of war, to shape a peace that is built on the promise of freedom and dignity for every human being. We believe in a generous America, in a compassionate America, in a tolerant America, open to the dreams of an immigrant's daughter who studies in our schools and pledges to our flag. :To the young boy on the south side of Chicago who sees a life beyond the nearest street corner. :To the furniture worker's child in North Carolina who wants to become a doctor or a scientist, an engineer or an entrepreneur, a diplomat or even a president -- that's the future we hope for. That's the vision we share. That's where we need to go -- '''forward. That's where we need to go. Now, we will disagree, sometimes fiercely, about how to get there. As it has for more than two centuries, progress will come in fits and starts. It's not always a straight line. It's not always a smooth path. By itself, the recognition that we have common hopes and dreams won't end all the gridlock or solve all our problems or substitute for the painstaking work of building consensus and making the difficult compromises needed to move this country forward. But that common bond is where we must begin.''' * The role of citizen in our democracy does not end with your vote. '''America's never been about what can be done for us. It's about what can be done by us together through the hard and frustrating, but necessary work of self-government.''' That's the principle we were founded on. This country has more wealth than any nation, but that's not what makes us rich. We have the most powerful military in history, but that's not what makes us strong. Our university, our culture are all the envy of the world, but that's not what keeps the world coming to our shores. '''What makes America exceptional are the bonds that hold together the most diverse nation on earth. The belief that our destiny is shared; that this country only works when we accept certain obligations to one another and to future generations. The freedom which so many Americans have fought for and died for comes with responsibilities as well as rights. And among those are love and charity and duty and patriotism. That's what makes America great.''' * '''I have never been more hopeful about America.''' And I ask you to sustain that hope. '''I'm not talking about blind optimism, the kind of hope that just ignores the enormity of the tasks ahead or the roadblocks that stand in our path. I'm not talking about the wishful idealism that allows us to just sit on the sidelines or shirk from a fight. I have always believed that hope is that stubborn thing inside us that insists, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us so long as we have the courage to keep reaching, to keep working, to keep fighting.''' * America, I believe we can build on the progress we've made and continue to fight for new jobs and new opportunity and new security for the middle class. I believe we can keep '''the promise of our founders''', the idea that '''if you're willing to work hard, it doesn't matter who you are or where you come from or what you look like or where you love. It doesn't matter whether you're black or white or Hispanic or Asian or Native American or young or old or rich or poor, able, disabled, gay or straight, you can make it here in America if you're willing to try.''' I believe we can seize this future together because '''we are not as divided as our politics suggests. We're not as cynical as the pundits believe. We are greater than the sum of our individual ambitions, and we remain more than [[w:Red states and blue states|a collection of red states and blue states]]. We are and forever will be the United States of America.''' And together with your help and God's grace we will continue our journey forward and remind the world just why it is that we live in the greatest nation on Earth. ==== Yangon University Speech (November 2012) ==== :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2012/11/19/remarks-president-obama-university-yangon Remarks by President Obama at the University of Yangon, Rangoon, Burma, (19 November 2012)]</small> [[File:ObamaSouthCarolina.jpg|thumb|No human being can truly be imprisoned if hope burns in your heart. [...] A true revolution of the spirit begins in each of our hearts.]] [[File:Obama08acceptance.jpg|thumb|Power comes from appealing to people’s hopes, not people's fears.]] [[File:Barack Obama readings notes in the Red Room.jpg|thumb|No process of reform will succeed without national reconciliation.]] [[File:Barack Obama takes one last look in the mirror, before going out to take oath, Jan. 20, 2009.jpg|thumb|The most important office in a democracy is the office of citizen -- not President, not Speaker, but citizen.]] * [W]e were inspired by the fierce dignity of Daw [[Aung San Suu Kyi]], as she proved that '''no human being can truly be imprisoned if hope burns in your heart.''' * Even though we come from different places, '''we share common dreams: to choose our leaders; to live together in peace; to get an education and make a good living; to love our families and our communities. That’s why freedom is not an abstract idea; freedom is the very thing that makes human progress possible -- not just at the ballot box, but in our daily lives.''' <br> One of our greatest Presidents in the United States, [[Franklin Delano Roosevelt]], understood this truth. He defined America’s cause as more than the right to cast a ballot. He understood democracy was not just voting. He called upon the world to embrace four fundamental freedoms: '''freedom of speech, freedom of worship, freedom from want, and freedom from fear. These four freedoms reinforce one another, and you cannot fully realize one without realizing them all.''' * And '''to protect the freedom of all the voters, those in power must accept constraints.''' That's what our American system is designed to do. Now, '''America may have the strongest military in the world, but it must submit to civilian control. I, as the President of the United States, make determinations that the military then carries out, not the other way around. As President and Commander-In-Chief, I have that responsibility because I'm accountable to the people.''' * Now, on other hand, as President, I cannot just impose my will on Congress -- the Congress of the United States -- even though sometimes I wish I could. The legislative branch has its own powers and its own prerogatives, and so they check my power and balance my power. I appoint some of our judges, but I cannot tell them how to rule, because every person in America -- from a child living in poverty to me, the President of the United States -- is equal under the law. And a judge can make a determination as to whether or not I am upholding the law or breaking the law. And I am fully accountable to that law. * '''It's not enough to trade a prison of powerlessness for the pain of an empty stomach.''' But history shows that [[Abraham Lincoln|governments of the people and by the people and for the people]] more powerful in delivering prosperity. * '''When ordinary people have a say in their own future, then your land can’t just be taken away from you.''' * And that kind of '''economic growth, where everybody has opportunity''' -- if you work hard, you can succeed -- that's what gets a nation moving rapidly when it comes to develop. But that kind of growth '''can only be created if corruption is left behind. For investment to lead to opportunity, reform must promote budgets that are transparent and industry that is privately owned.''' * Above all, when your voices are heard in government, it's far more likely that your basic needs will be met. And that’s why reform must reach the daily lives of those who are hungry and those who are ill, and those who live without electricity or water. * And let us remember that in a global economy, '''a country’s greatest resource is its people.''' So by investing in you, this nation can open the door for far more prosperity -- because '''unlocking a nation’s potential depends on empowering all its people, especially its young people.''' * '''No process of reform will succeed without national reconciliation.''' [...] National reconciliation will take time, but for the sake of our common humanity, and for the sake of this country’s future, [[w:Internal conflict in Burma|it is necessary to stop incitement and to stop violence]]. * Every nation struggles to define citizenship. America has had great debates about these issues, and those debates continue to this day, because we’re a nation of immigrants -- people coming from every different part of the world. But what we’ve learned in the United States is that there are certain principles that are universal, apply to everybody no matter what you look like, no matter where you come from, no matter what religion you practice. The right of people to live without the threat that their families may be harmed or their homes may be burned simply because of who they are or where they come from. Only the people of this country ultimately can define your union, can define what it means to be a citizen of this country. But I have confidence that as you do that you can draw on this diversity as a strength and not a weakness. Your country will be stronger because of many different cultures, but you have to seize that opportunity. You have to recognize that strength. * In many ways, '''fear is the force that stands between human beings and their dreams. Fear of conflict and the weapons of war. Fear of a future that is different from the past. Fear of changes that are reordering our societies and economy. Fear of people who look different, or come from a different place, or worship in a different way.''' In some of her darkest moments, when Aung San Suu Kyi was imprisoned, she wrote an essay about freedom from fear. She said fear of losing corrupts those who wield it -- “Fear of losing power corrupts those who wield it, and fear of the scourge of power corrupts those who are subject to it.” That's the fear that you can leave behind. We see that chance in leaders who are beginning to understand that '''power comes from appealing to people’s hopes, not people's fears.''' * As one former prisoner put it in speaking to his fellow citizens, “Politics is your job. It’s not only for [the] politicians.” And we have an expression in the United States that '''the most important office in a democracy is the office of citizen -- not President, not Speaker, but citizen.''' * You're the ones who are going to have to seize freedom, because '''a true revolution of the spirit begins in each of our hearts.''' ==== Remarks after [[Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting|Sandy Hook killings]] (December 2012) ==== [[File:Police at Sandy Hook.PNG|thumb|As a country, we have been through this too many times.]] :<small> [http://articles.washingtonpost.com/2012-12-14/politics/35846745_1_parent-children-transcript Televised remarks (14 December 2012)]</small> * '''As a country, we have been through this too many times.''' Whether it is [[w:Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting|an elementary school in Newtown]], or [[w:Clackamas Town Center shooting|a shopping mall in Oregon]], or [[w:Wisconsin Sikh temple shooting|a temple in Wisconsin]], or [[w:2012 Aurora shooting|a movie theater in Aurora]], or [http://www.nbcchicago.com/blogs/ward-room/Obama-Includes-Street-In-Chicago-In-List-of-Tragedies-183542101.html a street corner in Chicago]<!--Obama Includes "Street In Chicago" In List of Tragedies by Lisa Balde on Friday, Dec 14, 2012 from NBC Chicago Source: http://www.nbcchicago.com/blogs/ward-room/Obama-Includes-Street-In-Chicago-In-List-of-Tragedies-183542101.html#ixzz2Gxi0R15C -->, these neighborhoods are our neighborhoods and these children are our children. And we’re going to have to come together and take meaningful action to prevent more tragedies like this, regardless of the politics. <br> This evening, Michelle and I will do what I know every parent in America will do, which is hug our children a little tighter, and we’ll tell them that we love them, and we’ll remind each other how deeply we love one another. But there are families in Connecticut who cannot do that tonight, and they need all of us right now. In the hard days to come, that community needs us to be at our best as Americans, and I will do everything in my power as president to help, because while nothing can fill the space of a lost child or loved one, all of us can extend a hand to those in need, to remind them that we are there for them, that we are praying for them, that the love they felt for those they lost endures not just in their memories, but also in ours. <br> May God bless the memory of the victims and, in the words of Scripture, heal the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds. ==== Sandy Hook Prayer Vigil (December 2012) ==== [[File:Sandy Hook Memorial.PNG|thumb|These tragedies must end. And to end them, we must change. We will be told that the causes of such violence are complex, and that is true. No single law — no set of laws can eliminate evil from the world, or prevent every senseless act of violence in our society. But that can’t be an excuse for inaction. Surely, we can do better than this.]] [[File:Barack Obama with relatives of Emilie Parker.jpg|thumb|There’s only one thing we can be sure of, and that is the love that we have for our children, for our families, for each other. The warmth of a small child’s embrace, that is true.]] :<small> [http://www.whitehouse.gov/blog/2012/12/16/president-obama-speaks-prayer-vigil-victims-shooting-connecticut President Obama at Prayer Vigil for Connecticut Shooting Victims: "Newtown, You Are Not Alone"] (16 December 2012)<!-- [http://www.npr.org/2012/12/16/167412995/transcript-president-obama-at-sandy-hook-prayer-vigil President Obama At Sandy Hook Prayer Vigil (16 December 2012)] --></small> * We gather here in memory of 20 beautiful children and six remarkable adults. They lost their lives in a school that could have been any school in a quiet town full of good and decent people that could be any town in America. <br> Here in Newtown, I come to offer the love and prayers of a nation. I am very mindful that mere words cannot match the depths of your sorrow, nor can they heal your wounded hearts. <br> I can only hope it helps for you to know that you’re not alone in your grief, that our world, too, has been torn apart, that all across this land of ours, we have wept with you. We’ve pulled our children tight. <br> And you must know that whatever measure of comfort we can provide, we will provide. Whatever portion of sadness that we can share with you to ease this heavy load, we will gladly bear it. Newtown, you are not alone. * As a community, you’ve inspired us, Newtown. In the face of indescribable violence, in the face of unconscionable evil, you’ve looked out for each other. You’ve cared for one another. And you’ve loved one another. This is how Newtown will be remembered, and with time and God’s grace, that love will see you through. <br> But we as a nation, we are left with some hard questions. * It comes as a shock at a certain point where you realize no matter how much you love these kids, you can’t do it by yourself, that this job of keeping our children safe and teaching them well is something we can only do together, with the help of friends and neighbors, the help of a community and the help of a nation. <br> And in that way we come to realize that we bear responsibility for every child, because we’re counting on everybody else to help look after ours, that we’re all parents, that they are all our children. <br> This is our first task, caring for our children. It’s our first job. If we don’t get that right, we don’t get anything right. That’s how, as a society, we will be judged. * Can we honestly say that we’re doing enough to keep our children, all of them, safe from harm? <br> Can we claim, as a nation, that we’re all together there, letting them know they are loved and teaching them to love in return? <br> Can we say that we’re truly doing enough to give all the children of this country the chance they deserve to live out their lives in happiness and with purpose? <br> I’ve been reflecting on this the last few days, and if we’re honest with ourselves, the answer’s no. We’re not doing enough. And we will have to change. Since I’ve been president, this is the fourth time we have come together to comfort a grieving community torn apart by mass shootings, fourth time we’ve hugged survivors, the fourth time we’ve consoled the families of victims. <br> And in between, there have been an endless series of deadly shootings across the country, almost daily reports of victims, many of them children, in small towns and in big cities all across America, victims whose — much of the time their only fault was being at the wrong place at the wrong time. <br> '''We can’t tolerate this anymore. These tragedies must end. And to end them, we must change. We will be told that the causes of such violence are complex, and that is true. No single law — no set of laws can eliminate evil from the world, or prevent every senseless act of violence in our society. But that can’t be an excuse for inaction. Surely, we can do better than this.''' <br> If there is even one step we can take to save another child, or another parent, or another town, from the grief that has visited [[w:2011 Tucson shooting|Tucson]], and [[w:2012 Aurora shooting|Aurora]], and [[w:Wisconsin Sikh temple shooting|Oak Creek]], and [[w:Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting|Newtown]], and communities from [[w:Columbine High School massacre|Columbine]] to [[w:Virginia Tech massacre|Blacksburg]] before that — then surely we have an obligation to try. * '''We know our time on this Earth is fleeting.''' We know that we will each have our share of pleasure and pain, that even after we chase after some earthly goal, whether it’s wealth or power or fame or just simple comfort, we will, in some fashion, fall short of what we had hoped. We know that, no matter how good our intentions, we’ll all stumble sometimes in some way. <br> We’ll make mistakes, we’ll experience hardships and even when we’re trying to do the right thing, we know that much of our time will be spent groping through the darkness, so often unable to discern God’s heavenly plans. <br> '''There’s only one thing we can be sure of, and that is the love that we have for our children, for our families, for each other. The warmth of a small child’s embrace, that is true.''' <br> The memories we have of them, the joy that they bring, the wonder we see through their eyes, that fierce and boundless love we feel for them, a love that takes us out of ourselves and binds us to something larger, we know that’s what matters. <br> We know we’re always doing right when we’re taking care of them, when we’re teaching them well, when we’re showing acts of kindness. We don’t go wrong when we do that. === 2013 === [[File:AdoptionOf13thAmendment.jpg|thumb|A government [...] recognizes true democracy as requiring a respect for minority rights and the rule of law, freedom of speech and assembly, and a strong civil society.]] * These are our kids. This is what they’re thinking about. And so what we should be thinking about is our responsibility to care for them, and shield them from harm, and give them the tools they need to grow up and do everything that they’re capable of doing -- not just to pursue their own dreams, but to help build this country. This is our first task as a society, keeping our children safe. This is how we will be judged. And their voices should compel us to change. ** {{cite web|url=http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/01/16/remarks-president-and-vice-president-gun-violence |title=Remarks by the President and the Vice President on Gun Violence |accessdate=2013-01-16 |date=January 16, 2013}} * This is the land of the free, and it always will be. As Americans, we are endowed by our Creator with certain inalienable rights that no man or government can take away from us. But we've also long recognized, as our Founders recognized, that with rights come responsibilities. Along with our freedom to live our lives as we will comes an obligation to allow others to do the same. We don’t live in isolation. We live in a society, a government of, and by, and for the people. We are responsible for each other. ** {{cite web|url=http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/01/16/remarks-president-and-vice-president-gun-violence |title=Remarks by the President and the Vice President on Gun Violence |accessdate=2013-01-16 |date=January 16, 2013}} * There will be a sovereign Palestinian state, a sovereign Jewish state of Israel and those two states can, I think, will be able to deal with each other the same way all states do. I mean, you know, the United States and Canada has arguments once in a while, but they’re not the nature of arguments that can’t be solved diplomatically. ** Press conference in Ramallah (21 March 2013), as quoted in [http://blogs.wsj.com/washwire/2013/03/21/transcript-of-obamas-press-conference-with-mahmoud-abbas/ "Obama Compares Israeli-Palestinian Conflict to Arguments Between U.S. and Canada" in ''Wall Street Journal'' (21 March 2013)], * '''Peace is far more preferable to war.'''… I believe that peace is the only path to true security. … And there is no question that the only path to peace is through [[negotiations]]. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/03/21/remarks-president-barack-obama-people-israel Remarks of President Barack Obama To the People of Israel at Jerusalem International Convention Center in Jerusalem, Israel (21 March 2013)] *'''I am not a dictator, I am the president. I know this has been some of the conventional wisdom floating around Washington, that somehow even though most people agree that I’m being reasonable, that most people agree I’m presenting a fair deal, the fact that they don’t take it means that I should somehow, you know, do a Jedi mind meld with these folks and convince them to do what’s right.''' **Press conference March 1st [http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2013/03/01/173240651/decrying-dumb-arbitrary-cuts-obama-says-we-will-get-through-this] * Four years ago, I stood in Cairo in front of an audience of young people -- politically, religiously, they must seem a world away. But the things they want, they’re not so different from what the young people here want. They want the ability to make their own decisions and to get an education, get a good job; to worship God in their own way; to get married; to raise a family. The same is true of those young Palestinians that I met with this morning. The same is true for young Palestinians who yearn for a better life in Gaza. That's where '''peace begins -- not just in the plans of leaders, but in the hearts of people. Not just in some carefully designed process, but in the daily connections''' -- that sense of empathy that takes place among those who live together in this land and in this sacred city of Jerusalem. ** Remarks of President Barack Obama To the People of Israel at Jerusalem International Convention Center in Jerusalem, Israel (21 March 2013) * The American people will say a prayer for Boston tonight. And Michelle and I send our deepest thoughts and prayers to the families of the victims in the wake of this senseless loss...We still do not know who did this or why. And people shouldn’t jump to conclusions before we have all the facts. But make no mistake - we will get to the bottom of this. And we will find out who did this; we'll find out ''why'' they did this. Any responsible individuals, any responsible groups will feel the full weight of justice. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/blog/2013/04/15/president-obama-speaks-explosions-boston President Obama Speaks on the Explosions in Boston (15 April 2013)] * A few months ago, in response to too many tragedies -- including the shootings of a United States Congresswoman, [[Gabrielle Giffords|Gabby Giffords]], who's here today, and the murder of 20 innocent schoolchildren and their teachers -- this country took up the cause of protecting more of our people from gun violence. Families that know unspeakable grief summoned the courage to petition their elected leaders -- not just to honor the memory of their children, but to protect the lives of all our children. And a few minutes ago, a minority in the United States Senate decided it wasn't worth it. They blocked common-sense gun reforms even while these families looked on from the Senate gallery. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/blog/2013/04/17/senate-votes-block-expanded-background-checks-gun-sales Senate Votes to Block Expanded Background Checks for Gun Sales (17 April 2013)] * I've heard some say that blocking this step would be a victory. And my question is, a victory for who? A victory for what? All that happened today was the preservation of the loophole that lets dangerous criminals buy guns without a background check. That didn't make our kids safer. Victory for not doing something that 90 percent of Americans, 80 percent of Republicans, the vast majority of your constituents wanted to get done? '''It begs the question, who are we here to represent?''' I've heard folks say that having the families of victims lobby for this legislation was somehow misplaced. "A prop," somebody called them. "Emotional blackmail," some outlet said. Are they serious? Do we really think that thousands of families whose lives have been shattered by gun violence don't have a right to weigh in on this issue? Do we think their emotions, their loss is not relevant to this debate? '''So all in all, this was a pretty shameful day for Washington.''' But this effort is not over. I want to make it clear to the American people we can still bring about meaningful changes that reduce gun violence, so long as the American people don't give up on it. ** Senate Votes to Block Expanded Background Checks for Gun Sales (17 April 2013) * Ultimately, '''peace is just not about politics. It’s about attitudes; about a sense of empathy; about breaking down the divisions that we create for ourselves in our own minds and our own hearts that don’t exist in any objective reality, but that we carry with us generation after generation.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/06/17/remarks-president-obama-and-mrs-obama-town-hall-youth-northern-ireland Remarks by President Obama and Mrs. Obama in Town Hall with Youth of Northern Ireland, Belfast Waterfront, Belfast, Northern Ireland (17 June 2013)] * '''The terms of peace may be negotiated by political leaders, but the fate of peace is up to each of us.''' ** Remarks by President Obama and Mrs. Obama in Town Hall with Youth of Northern Ireland, Belfast Waterfront, Belfast, Northern Ireland (17 June 2013) * Our scientists will keep collaborating with yours in fields like nanotechnology and clean energy and health care that make our lives better and fuel economic growth on both sides of the Atlantic –- because '''progress is essential to peace.''' And because '''knowledge and understanding is essential to peace''', we will keep investing in programs that enrich both of us …. ** Remarks by President Obama and Mrs. Obama in Town Hall with Youth of Northern Ireland, Belfast Waterfront, Belfast, Northern Ireland (17 June 2013) * '''Trayvon Martin could have been me thirty five years ago.''' And when you think about why, in the African-American community at least, there is lot of pain about what happened. I think it is important to recognize that the African-American community is looking at the issue through a set of experiences and a history, that doesn’t go away. There are very few African-American men in this country who haven’t had the experience of being followed when they are shopping at a department store. That includes me. There are very few African-American men in this country who haven’t had the experience of walking across the street and hearing the locks click on the doors of cars. That happens to me at least before I was a senator. There are very few African-Americans who haven’t had the experience of getting on an elevator and a woman clutching her purse nervously and holding her breath until she had a chance to get off. ** Remarks regarding the shooting of Trayvon Martin and Trial of George Zimmerman (2013). [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=103873&st=&st1= Source: Barack Obama: "Remarks on the Verdict in State of Florida v. George Zimmerman," July 19, 2013. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project.] For the background of this quote see this source. {{citation |url= http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-23382880 |title= 'Trayvon Martin could have been me' - Barack Obama |first= |last= |publisher=BBC |date=19 July 2013 |accessdate=2013-07-20}} * And because no one who works full-time in America should have to live in poverty, I am going to keep making the case that we need to raise the minimum wage because it's lower right now than it was when [[Ronald Reagan]] took office. It's time for the minimum wage to go up. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/07/24/remarks-president-economy-knox-college-galesburg-il Remarks by the President on the Economy, Knox College, Galesburg, Illinois (24 July 2013)] * [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]] is slouching…looking like that bored schoolboy in the back of the classroom. ** [http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/in-the-loop/wp/2013/08/09/obama-putins-a-sloucher/ "Obama: Putin is slouchin’" in ''The Washington Post'' (9 August 2013)] * '''As free peoples, we recognize that democracy is the most effective form of government ever devised for delivering progress and opportunity and prosperity and freedom to people.''' And as two of the most innovative economies on Earth, we cherish that freedom that allows us to innovate and create, which is why we’re leaders in science and research and development -- those things that pioneers new industries and broaden our horizons. ** [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=104040&st=&st1= "Barack Obama: The President's News Conference With Prime Minister Reinfeldt of Sweden in Stockholm" by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, at''The American Presidency Project'' (4 September 2013)] * We share a belief in the dignity and equality of every human being; that our daughters deserve the same opportunities as our sons; that our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters must be treated equally under the law; that our societies are strengthened and not weakened by diversity. And we stand up for '''universal human rights''', not only in America and in Europe, but beyond, because we believe that '''when these rights are respected, nations are more successful and our world is safer and more just.''' ** "Barack Obama: The President's News Conference With Prime Minister Reinfeldt of Sweden in Stockholm" by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, at''The American Presidency Project'' (4 September 2013) * But the current convulsions arising out of the Arab Spring remind us that '''a just and lasting peace cannot be measured only by agreements between nations. It must also be measured by our ability to resolve conflict and promote justice within nations.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/09/24/remarks-president-obama-address-united-nations-general-assembly Remarks by President Obama in Address to the United Nations General Assembly (24 September 2013)] * And we did so based on the belief that while these transitions will be hard and take time, '''societies based upon democracy and openness and the dignity of the individual will ultimately be more stable, more prosperous, and more peaceful.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/09/24/remarks-president-obama-address-united-nations-general-assembly Remarks by President Obama in Address to the United Nations General Assembly (24 September 2013)] * Our overriding interest throughout these past few years has been to encourage '''a government''' that legitimately reflects the will of the Egyptian people, and '''recognizes true democracy as requiring a respect for minority rights and the rule of law, freedom of speech and assembly, and a strong civil society.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/09/24/remarks-president-obama-address-united-nations-general-assembly Remarks by President Obama in Address to the United Nations General Assembly (24 September 2013)] * And while we recognize that our influence will at times be limited, although we will be wary of efforts to impose democracy through military force, and although we will at times be accused of hypocrisy and inconsistency, we will be engaged in the region for the long haul. For '''the hard work of forging freedom and democracy is the task of a generation.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/09/24/remarks-president-obama-address-united-nations-general-assembly Remarks by President Obama in Address to the United Nations General Assembly (24 September 2013)] * Democrats and Republicans are far apart on a lot of issues. And I recognize there are folks on the other side who think that my policies are misguided. That's putting it mildly. That's OK. That's democracy. That's how it works. We can debate those differences vigorously, passionately, in good faith, through the normal democratic process. And sometimes we'll be just too far apart to forge an agreement. But that should not hold back our efforts in areas where we do agree. We shouldn't fail to act on areas that we do agree or could agree just because we don't think it's good politics, just because the extremes in our party don't like the word "compromise." I will look for willing partners wherever I can to get important work done. And there's no good reason why we can't govern responsibly, despite our differences, without lurching from manufactured crisis to manufactured crisis. ** {{cite news|url=http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/transcript-president-obamas-oct-17-remarks-on-shutdown-deal/2013/10/17/3eff02b6-3738-11e3-8a0e-4e2cf80831fc_story_3.html|title= Transcript: President Obama’s Oct. 17 remarks on the budget deal|accessdate=2013-10-17|date=April 17, 2013}} * So let's work together to make government work better instead of treating it like an enemy or purposely making it work worse. That's not what the founders of this nation envisioned when they gave us the gift of self-government. '''You don't like a particular policy or a particular president? Then argue for your position. Go out there and win an election. Push to change it. But don't break it.Don't break what our predecessors spent over two centuries building.''' That's not being faithful to what this country's about. ** {{cite news|url=http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/transcript-president-obamas-oct-17-remarks-on-shutdown-deal/2013/10/17/3eff02b6-3738-11e3-8a0e-4e2cf80831fc_story_3.html|title= Transcript: President Obama’s Oct. 17 remarks on the budget deal|accessdate=2013-10-17|date=April 17, 2013}} * I’m not a particularly ideological person. There’s things, some values I feel passionately about. ** At Seattle fundraiser, 24 November 2013.[http://www.politico.com/story/2013/11/obama-ideology-100328.html] ==== Second Inaugural Address (January 2013) ==== [[File:2013 Inauguration crowd 2.JPG|thumb|Preserving our individual freedoms ultimately requires collective action.]] [[File:Hires 130121-M-YO938-215c.jpg|thumb|Our country cannot succeed when a shrinking few do very well and a growing many barely make it.]] [[File:Hires 130121-D-DB155-002c.jpg|thumb|Enduring security and lasting peace do not require perpetual war.]] [[File:USA 1956 3c FriendshipTheKeyToWorldPeace.jpg|thumb|Peace in our time requires the constant advance of those principles that our common creed describes: tolerance and opportunity, human dignity and justice.]] [[File:RainbowFlagCastroSF2005.jpg|thumb|If we are truly created equal, then surely the love we commit to one another must be equal as well.]] [[File:Barack Obama family portrait 2011.jpg|thumb|Our journey is not complete until all our children know that they are cared for and cherished and always safe from harm.]] [[File:La_statue_de_la_liberté_jardin_du_luxembourg.jpg|thumb|With common effort and common purpose, with passion and dedication, let us answer the call of history and carry into an uncertain future that precious light of freedom.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/01/21/inaugural-address-president-barack-obama Second Inaugural Address, Washington D.C. (21 January 2013)]</small> * '''Each time we gather to inaugurate a President we bear witness to the enduring strength of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]]. We affirm the promise of our [[democracy]].''' We recall that what binds this nation together is not the colors of our skin or the tenets of our faith or the origins of our names. What makes us exceptional — what makes us American — is our allegiance to an idea articulated in [[United States Declaration of Independence|a declaration]] made more than two centuries ago: '''“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.”''' Today we continue a never-ending journey to bridge the meaning of those words with the realities of our time. For '''history tells us that while these truths may be self-evident, they’ve never been self-executing'''; that '''while [[freedom]] is a gift from [[God]], it must be secured by His people here on Earth.''' * '''[[w:American Revolution|The patriots of 1776]] did not fight to replace the tyranny of a king with the privileges of a few or the rule of a mob. They gave to us a republic, [[Abraham_Lincoln#The_Gettysburg_Address_.281863.29|a government of, and by, and for the people]], entrusting each generation to keep safe our founding creed. And for more than two hundred years, we have.''' Through [[w:Slavery in the United States|blood drawn by lash]] and [[w:American Civil War|blood drawn by sword]], we learned that no [[Abraham_Lincoln#The_Gettysburg_Address_.281863.29|union founded on the principles]] of [[liberty]] and [[equality]] could survive [[Abraham_Lincoln#The_House_Divided_speech_.281858.29|half-slave and half-free]]. We made ourselves anew, and vowed to move forward together. * '''Together, we discovered that a free market only thrives when there are rules to ensure competition and fair play. Together, we resolved that a great nation must care for the vulnerable, and protect its people from life’s worst hazards and misfortune. Through it all, we have never relinquished our [[w:Anti Federalism|skepticism of central authority]], nor have we succumbed to the fiction that all society’s ills can be cured through government alone.'''   * Our celebration of initiative and enterprise, our insistence on hard work and personal responsibility, these are constants in our character. But we have always understood that '''when times change, so must we'''; that '''fidelity to our founding principles requires new responses to new challenges'''; that '''preserving our individual freedoms ultimately requires collective action'''. For the American people can no more meet the demands of today’s world by acting alone than American soldiers could have met the forces of [[fascism]] or [[communism]] with [[w:Musket|muskets]] and [[w:Militia|militias]]. No single person can train all the math and science teachers we’ll need to equip our children for the future, or build the roads and networks and research labs that will bring new jobs and businesses to our shores. '''Now, more than ever, we must do''' these '''things together, as one nation and one people.''' * This generation of Americans has been tested by crises that steeled our resolve and proved our resilience. [...] America’s possibilities are limitless, for '''we possess all the qualities that this world without boundaries demands: youth and drive; diversity and openness; an endless capacity for risk and a gift for reinvention.''' My fellow Americans, '''we are made for this moment, and we will seize it -- so long as we seize it together. For [[w:Preamble to the United States Constitution|we, the people]], understand that our country cannot succeed when a shrinking few do very well and a growing many barely make it.''' We believe that America’s prosperity must rest upon the broad shoulders of a rising middle class. We know that America thrives when every person can find independence and pride in their work; when the wages of honest labor liberate families from the brink of hardship. '''We are true to our creed when a little girl born into the bleakest poverty knows that she has the same chance to succeed as anybody else, because she is an American; she is free, and she is equal, not just in the eyes of God but also in our own.''' * '''[[w:Preamble to the United States Constitution|We, the people]], still believe that every citizen deserves a basic measure of security and dignity.'''  We must make the hard choices to reduce the cost of health care and the size of our deficit. But we reject the belief that America must choose between caring for the generation that built this country and investing in the generation that will build its future.  For we remember the lessons of our past, when twilight years were spent in poverty and parents of a child with a disability had nowhere to turn.  * '''We do not believe that in this country freedom is reserved for the lucky, or happiness for the few.''' We recognize that no matter how responsibly we live our lives, any one of us at any time may face a job loss, or a sudden illness, or a home swept away in [[w:Hurricane Sandy|a terrible storm]]. '''The commitments we make to each other''' through [[w:Medicare|Medicare]] and [[w:Medicaid|Medicaid]] and [[w:Social Security (United States)|Social Security]], '''these things do not sap our initiative, they strengthen us. They do not make us a nation of takers; they free us to take the risks that make this country great.''' * '''We, the people, still believe that our obligations as Americans are not just to ourselves, but to all posterity.'''  We will respond to the threat of climate change, knowing that the failure to do so would betray our children and future generations. Some may still deny the overwhelming judgment of science, but none can avoid the devastating impact of raging fires and crippling drought and more powerful storms. The path towards sustainable energy sources will be long and sometimes difficult. But America cannot resist this transition, we must lead it. We cannot cede to other nations the technology that will power new jobs and new industries, we must claim its promise. That’s how we will maintain our economic vitality and our national treasure -- our forests and waterways, our crop lands and snow-capped peaks. That is how we will preserve our planet, commanded to our care by God. '''That’s what will lend meaning to [[w:Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness#Origin_and_phrasing|the creed our fathers]] [[w:Preamble to the United States Constitution#Text|once declared]].''' * We, the people, still believe that '''enduring security and lasting peace do not require perpetual war.''' * '''We will defend our people and uphold our values through strength of arms and rule of law.'''  We will show the courage to try and resolve our differences with other nations peacefully –- not because we are naïve about the dangers we face, but because '''engagement can more durably lift suspicion and fear. America will remain the anchor of strong alliances in every corner of the globe.  And we will renew those institutions that extend our capacity to manage crisis abroad, for no one has a greater stake in a peaceful world than its most powerful nation.''' We will support democracy from Asia to Africa, from the Americas to the Middle East, because our interests and our conscience compel us to act on behalf of those who long for freedom.  And we must be a source of hope to the poor, the sick, the marginalized, the victims of prejudice –- not out of mere charity, but because '''peace in our time requires the constant advance of those principles that our common creed describes: tolerance and opportunity, human dignity and justice.''' * We, the people, declare today that the most evident of truths –- that [[w:All men are created equal|all of us are created equal]] –- is the star that guides us still; just as it guided our forebears through [[w:Seneca Falls Convention|Seneca Falls]] and [[w:Selma to Montgomery marches|Selma]] and [[w:Stonewall riots|Stonewall]]; just as it guided all those men and women, sung and unsung, who left footprints along [[w:National Mall|this great Mall]], to hear [[Martin_Luther_King,_Jr.#I_Have_A_Dream_.281963.29|a preacher say that we cannot walk alone; to hear a King proclaim that our individual freedom is inextricably bound to the freedom of every soul on Earth.]]   * It is now our generation’s task to carry on what those pioneers began. For our journey is not complete [[w:Equal pay for women|until our wives, our mothers and daughters can earn a living equal to their efforts]]. Our journey is not complete [[w:LGBT rights in the United States|until our gay brothers and sisters are treated like anyone else under the law]] for '''if we are truly created equal, then surely the love we commit to one another must be equal as well.''' Our journey is not complete [[w:Voting rights in the United States|until no citizen is forced to wait for hours to exercise the right to vote]]. Our journey is not complete [[w:Immigration to the United States|until we find a better way to welcome the striving, hopeful immigrants]] who still see America as a land of opportunity until bright young students and engineers are enlisted in our workforce rather than expelled from our country. '''Our journey is not complete until all our children''', from the streets of [[w:Detroit|Detroit]] to [[w:Appalachia|the hills of Appalachia]], to [[w:Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting|the quiet lanes of Newtown]], '''know that they are cared for and cherished and always safe from harm.''' * That is our generation’s task -- to make these words, these rights, these values of [[w:Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness|life and liberty and the pursuit of happiness]] real for every American. '''Being true to our founding documents does not require us to agree on every contour of life. It does not mean we all define liberty in exactly the same way or follow the same precise path to happiness. Progress does not compel us to settle centuries-long debates about the role of government for all time, but it does require us to act in our time. For now decisions are upon us and we cannot afford delay. We cannot mistake absolutism for principle, or substitute spectacle for politics, or treat name-calling as reasoned debate. We must act, knowing that our work will be imperfect. We must act, knowing that today’s victories will be only partial and that it will be up to those who stand here in four years and 40 years and 400 years hence to advance the timeless spirit once conferred to us in [[w:Independence Hall|a spare Philadelphia hall]].''' * '''My fellow Americans, [[w:Oath of office of the President of the United States|the oath I have sworn before you today]], [[w:Oath of office#Federal_Executive_and_Legislative_Branch_Oaths|like the one recited by others who serve]] [[w:United States Capitol|in this Capitol]], was an oath to God and country, not party or faction. And we must faithfully execute that pledge during the duration of our service.''' But the words I spoke today are not so different from the oath that is taken each time a soldier signs up for duty or an immigrant realizes her dream. My oath is not so different from the pledge we all make to [[commons:File:Barack Obama'a 2013 inaugural address at the U.S. Capitol.jpg|the flag that waves above]] and that fills our hearts with pride. They are the words of citizens and they represent our greatest hope. '''You and I, as citizens, have the power to set this country’s course. You and I, as citizens, have the obligation to shape the debates of our time -- not only with the votes we cast, but with the voices we lift in defense of our most ancient values and enduring ideals.''' * '''Let us, each of us, now embrace with solemn duty and awesome joy what is our lasting birthright. With common effort and common purpose, with passion and dedication, let us answer the call of history and carry into an uncertain future that precious light of freedom.'''  ==== Fifth State of the Union Address (February 2013) ==== [[File:Obama family in the Oval Office.jpg|thumb|What makes you a man isn’t the ability to conceive a child; it’s having the courage to raise one.]] [[File:2013 State of the Union Address.jpg|thumb|America moves forward only when we do so together, and that the responsibility of improving this union remains the task of us all.]] [[File:Barack Michelle.jpg|thumb|Our ability to influence others depends on our willingness to lead and meet our obligations.]] :<small>[http://blogs.wsj.com/washwire/2013/02/12/full-text-obamas-state-of-the-union-address/ Fifth State of the Union Address delivered on February 12, 2013 during a joint session of the United States Congress]</small> * '''Our government shouldn’t make promises we cannot keep — but we must keep the promises we’ve already made.''' * It is our generation’s task, then, to reignite the true engine of America’s economic growth — a rising, thriving middle class. It is our unfinished task to restore the basic bargain that built this country — the idea that if you work hard and meet your responsibilities, you can get ahead, no matter where you come from, no matter what you look like, or who you love. It is our unfinished task to make sure that this government works on behalf of the many, and not just the few; that it encourages free enterprise, rewards individual initiative, and opens the doors of opportunity to every child across this great nation. * The American people don’t expect government to solve every problem. They don’t expect those of us in this chamber to agree on every issue. But they do expect us to put the nation’s interests before party. They do expect us to forge reasonable compromise where we can. For they know that '''America moves forward only when we do so together, and that the responsibility of improving this union remains the task of us all.''' * I realize that tax reform and entitlement reform will not be easy. The politics will be hard for both sides. None of us will get 100 percent of what we want. But the alternative will cost us jobs, hurt our economy, visit hardship on millions of hardworking Americans. So let’s set party interests aside and work to pass a budget that replaces reckless cuts with smart savings and wise investments in our future. And let’s do it without the brinksmanship that stresses consumers and scares off investors. '''The greatest nation on Earth cannot keep conducting its business by drifting from one manufactured crisis to the next.''' We can’t do it. Let’s agree right here, right now to keep the people’s government open, and pay our bills on time, and always uphold the full faith and credit of the United States of America. '''The American people have worked too hard, for too long, rebuilding from one crisis to see their elected officials cause another.''' * And we’ll work to strengthen families by removing the financial deterrents to marriage for low-income couples, and do more to encourage fatherhood — because '''what makes you a man isn’t the ability to conceive a child; it’s having the courage to raise one.''' * Stronger families. Stronger communities. A stronger America. It is this kind of '''prosperity — broad, shared, built on a thriving middle class''' — that '''has always been the source of our progress at home. It’s also the foundation of our power and influence throughout the world.''' * At the same time, we’ll engage Russia to seek further reductions in our nuclear arsenals, and continue leading the global effort to secure nuclear materials that could fall into the wrong hands — because '''our ability to influence others depends on our willingness to lead and meet our obligations.''' * We may do different jobs and wear different uniforms, and hold different views than the person beside us. But as Americans, '''we all share the same proud title — we are citizens. It’s a word that doesn’t just describe our nationality or legal status. It describes the way we’re made. It describes what we believe. It captures the enduring idea that this country only works when we accept certain obligations to one another and to future generations, that our rights are wrapped up in the rights of others; and that well into our third century as a nation, it remains the task of us all, as citizens of these United States, to be the authors of the next great chapter of our American story.''' ==== Commencement Address at Ohio State University (May 2013) ==== [[File:September 11 Tribute in Light at Dusk.jpg|thumb| In the aftermath of darkest tragedy, we have seen the American spirit at its brightest.  We’ve seen the petty divisions of color, class, and creed replaced by a united urge to help.]] [[File:American Bald Eagle.jpg|thumb|You'll hear voices that incessantly warn of government as nothing more than some separate, sinister entity that's the root of all our problems, even as they do their best to gum up the works; or that tyranny always lurks just around the corner. You should reject these voices. Because what they suggest is that our brave, creative, unique experiment in self-rule is just a sham with which we can’t be trusted.]] [[File:USA123.jpg|thumb|We have never been a people who place all our faith in government to solve our problems, nor do we want it to.  But we don’t think the government is the source of all our problems, either.]] [[File:Statue of Liberty close.JPG|thumb|We are blessed to live in the greatest nation on Earth. But we can always be greater. We can always aspire to something more. ]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/05/05/remarks-president-barack-obama-prepared-delivery "Commencement Address at The Ohio State University, Columbus, Ohio (5 May 2013)]</small> * '''You were born as freedom forced its way through a wall in Berlin, and tore down an Iron Curtain across Europe. You were educated in an era of instant information that put the world’s accumulated knowledge at your fingertips. And you came of age as terror touched our shores; an historic recession spread across the nation; and a new generation signed up to go to war. <br /> You have been tested and tempered by events that your parents and I never imagined we’d see when we sat where you sit.''' And yet, despite all this, or more likely because of it, yours has become a generation possessed with that most American of ideas – that people who love their country can change it. '''For all the turmoil; for all the times you have been let down, or frustrated at the hand you’ve been dealt; what I have seen from your generation are perennial and quintessentially American values. Altruism. Empathy. Tolerance. Community. And a deep sense of service that makes me optimistic for our future.''' * I suspect that those of you who pursue more education, or climb the corporate ladder, or enter the arts or sciences or journalism, will still choose a cause you care about in your life and fight like heck to make it happen. <br /> There is a word for this. It’s citizenship. We don’t always talk about this idea much these days, let alone celebrate it. Sometimes, we see it as a virtue from another time – one that’s slipping from a society that celebrates individual ambition; a society awash in instant technology that empowers us to leverage our skills and talents like never before, but just as easily allows us to retreat from the world. And the result is that we sometimes forget the larger bonds we share, as one American family. * '''In the aftermath of darkest tragedy, we have seen the American spirit at its brightest. We’ve seen the petty divisions of color, class, and creed replaced by a united urge to help. We’ve seen courage and compassion, a sense of civic duty, and a recognition that we are not a collection of strangers; we are bound to one another by a set of ideals, and laws, and commitments, and a deep devotion to this country we love. <br /> That’s what citizenship is. It’s the idea at the heart of our founding – that as Americans, we are blessed with God-given and inalienable rights, but with those rights come responsibilities – to ourselves, to one another, and to future generations.''' <br /> But if we’re being honest, as you’ve studied and worked and served to become good citizens, the institutions that give structure to our society have, at times, betrayed your trust. In the run-up to the financial crisis, too many on Wall Street forgot that their obligations don’t end with their shareholders. In entertainment and in the media, ratings and shock value often trumped news and storytelling. And in Washington – well, this is a joyous occasion, so let me put this charitably: I think it’s fair to say our democracy isn’t working as well as we know it can. It could do better. And those of us fortunate enough to serve in these institutions owe it to you to do better, every single day. * '''I don’t pretend to have all the answers. And I’m not going to offer some grand theory – not when it’s a beautiful day and you’ve got some celebrating to do.''' I’m not going to get partisan, either, because that’s not what citizenship is about. In fact, '''I am asking the same thing of you that President Bush did when he spoke at this commencement in 2002: “America needs more than taxpayers, spectators, and occasional voters,” he said. “America needs full-time citizens.” <br /> And as graduates from a university whose motto is “Education for Citizenship,” that’s what your country expects of you. So briefly, I will ask you for two things: to participate, and to persevere.''' <br /> After all, your '''democracy does not function without your active participation. At a bare minimum, that means voting, eagerly and often. It means knowing who’s been elected to make decisions on your behalf, what they believe in, and whether or not they deliver. If they don’t represent you the way you want, or conduct themselves the way you expect – if they put special interests above your own – you’ve got to let them know that’s not okay. And if they let you down, there’s a''' built-in '''day''' in November '''where you can really let them know that’s not okay.''' * '''That’s precisely what the founders left us: the power to adapt to changing times. They left us the keys to a system of self-government – the tool to do big and important things together that we could not possibly do alone.''' To stretch railroads and electricity and a highway system across a sprawling continent. To educate our people with a system of public schools and land grant colleges, including Ohio State. To care for the sick and the vulnerable, and provide a basic level of protection from falling into abject poverty in the wealthiest nation on Earth. To conquer fascism and disease; to visit the Moon and Mars; to gradually secure our God-given rights for all our citizens, regardless of who they are, what they look like, or who they love. <br /> We, the people, chose to do these things together. Because '''we know this country cannot accomplish great things if we pursue nothing greater than our own individual ambition.''' <br /> Still, '''you’ll hear voices that incessantly warn of government as nothing more than some separate, sinister entity that’s the root of all our problems, even as they do their best to gum up the works; or that tyranny always lurks just around the corner.  You should reject these voices. Because what they suggest is that our brave, creative, unique experiment in self-rule is just a sham with which we can’t be trusted. <br /> We have never been a people who place all our faith in government to solve our problems, nor do we want it to. But we don’t think the government is the source of all our problems, either.''' Because we understand that this democracy is ours.  '''As citizens, we understand that America is not about what can be done for us. It’s about what can be done by us, together, through the hard and frustrating but absolutely necessary work of self-government. <br /> The founders trusted us with this awesome authority. We should trust ourselves with it, too. Because when we don’t, when we turn away and get discouraged and abdicate that authority, we grant our silent consent to someone who’ll gladly claim it.''' * '''Only you can make sure the democracy you inherit is as good as we know it can be. But it requires your dedicated, informed, and engaged citizenship. This citizenship is a harder, higher road to take. But it leads to a better place.''' It is how we built this country – together. It is the question President Kennedy posed to the nation at his inauguration; the dream that Dr. King invoked. It does not promise easy success or immediate progress. But it has led to success, and it has led to progress. <br /> That brings me to the second thing I ask of you – I ask you to persevere. * I lost my first race for Congress, and look at me now – I’m an honorary graduate of The Ohio State University! <br /> The point is,''' in your life, you will fail. You will stumble, and you will fall. But that will make you better. You’ll get it right the next time. And that’s not only true for your personal pursuits, but for the broader causes you believe in as well. But don’t give up. Don’t lose heart, or grow cynical. The cynics may be the loudest voices – but they accomplish the least. It’s the silent disruptors – those who do the long, hard, committed work of change – that gradually push this country in the right direction, and make the most lasting difference.''' <br /> Still, whenever you feel that creeping cynicism; whenever you hear those voices say you can’t make that difference; whenever somebody tells you to set your sights lower – the trajectory of America should give you hope. '''What young generations have done before you should give you hope. It was young folks like you who marched and mobilized and stood up and sat-in to secure women’s rights, and voting rights, and workers’ rights, and gay rights, often against incredible odds, often over the course of years, sometimes over the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime. Even if their rights were already secured, they fought to secure those rights and opportunities for others. What they did should give you hope.''' <br /> And where we’re going should give you hope. Because while things are still hard for a lot of people, you have every reason to believe that your future is bright. * '''We are blessed to live in the greatest nation on Earth. But we can always be greater. We can always aspire to something more. That doesn’t depend on who you elect to office. It depends on you, as citizens, how big you want to be, and how badly you want it. <br /> Look at all America has accomplished. Look at how big we’ve been. <br /> I dare you to do better. I dare you to be better. <br /> From what I have seen of your generation, I have no doubt you will. I wish you courage, and compassion, and all the strength you need for that tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime.''' <br /> Thank you, God bless you, and God bless the United States of America. ==== Brandenburg Gate Speech (June 2013) ==== :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/06/19/remarks-president-obama-brandenburg-gate-berlin-germany Remarks by President Obama in front of the Brandenburg Gate at Pariser Platz, Berlin, Germany] 19 June 2013</small> [[File:Barack Obama at White House gun violence meeting.jpg|thumb|We are more free when all people can pursue their own happiness.]] [[File:2013 State of the Union Address.jpg|thumb|For all the power of militaries, for all the authority of governments, it is citizens who choose whether to be defined by a wall, or whether to tear it down.]] [[File:Barack Obama and Joe Biden meet Democratic Governors Association.jpg|thumb|Government exists to serve the power of the individual, and not the other way around.]] * But the fact that we can stand here today, along [[w:History of Berlin#The_divided_city|the fault line where a city was divided]], speaks to an eternal truth: '''[[w:Berlin Wall|No wall]] can stand against the yearning of justice, the yearnings for freedom, the yearnings for peace that burns in the human heart.''' * Today, 60 years after they rose up against oppression, we remember [[w:Uprising of 1953 in East Germany|the East German heroes of June 17th]]. When the wall finally came down, it was their dreams that were fulfilled. Their strength and their passion, their enduring example remind us that '''for all the power of militaries, for all the authority of governments, it is citizens who choose whether to be defined by a wall, or whether to tear it down.''' * But I come here today, Berlin, to say '''complacency is not the character of great nations.''' * I’d suggest that '''peace with justice begins with the example we set here at home''', for we know from our own histories that '''intolerance breeds injustice. Whether it’s based on race, or religion, gender or sexual orientation, we are stronger when all our people — no matter who they are or what they look like — are granted opportunity, and when our wives and our daughters have the same opportunities as our husbands and our sons.''' * '''When we respect the faiths practiced in our churches and synagogues, our mosques and our temples, we're more secure. When we welcome the immigrant with his talents or her dreams, we are renewed. When we stand up for our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters and treat their love and their rights equally under the law, we defend our own liberty as well. We are more free when all people can pursue their own happiness. And as long as walls exist in our hearts to separate us from those who don’t look like us, or think like us, or worship as we do, then we're going to have to work harder, together, to bring those walls of division down.''' * Peace with justice means free enterprise that unleashes the talents and creativity that reside in each of us; in other models, direct economic growth from the top down or relies solely on the resources extracted from the earth. But we believe that '''real prosperity comes from our most precious resource -- our people.''' * '''Peace with justice means extending a hand to those who reach for freedom, wherever they live.''' Different peoples and cultures will follow their own path, but we must reject the lie that those who live in distant places don’t yearn for freedom and self-determination just like we do; that they don’t somehow yearn for dignity and rule of law just like we do. We cannot dictate the pace of change in places like the Arab world, but we must reject the excuse that we can do nothing to support it. * Our fates are linked, and we cannot ignore those who are yearning not only for freedom but also prosperity. * And finally, let’s remember that '''peace with justice depends on our ability to sustain both the security of our societies and the openness that defines them. Threats to freedom don’t merely come from the outside. They can emerge from within -- from our own fears, from the disengagement of our citizens.''' * But '''we must accept the challenge that all of us in democratic governments face: to listen to the voices who disagree with us; to have an open debate about how we use our powers and how we must constrain them; and to always remember that government exists to serve the power of the individual, and not the other way around.''' That’s what makes us who we are, and that’s what makes us different from those on the other side of the wall. * '''The wall belongs to history. But we have history to make as well. And the heroes that came before us now call to us to live up to those highest ideals''' -- to care for the young people who can't find a job in our own countries, and the girls who aren't allowed to go to school overseas; to be vigilant in safeguarding our own freedoms, but also to extend a hand to those who are reaching for freedom abroad. '''This is the lesson of the ages. This is the spirit of Berlin. And the greatest tribute that we can pay to those who came before us is by carrying on their work to pursue peace and justice not only in our countries but for all mankind.''' ==== Cape Town University Address (June 2013) ==== [[File:Barack Obama sitting on the Resolute Desk.jpg|thumb|Democracy can only endure when it’s bigger than just one person.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/06/30/remarks-president-obama-university-cape-town Remarks by President Obama at the University of Cape Town], Cape Town, South Africa (13 June 2013)</small> * I believe that '''none of us are fully free when others in the human family remain shackled by poverty or disease or oppression.''' * We believe that '''societies and economies only advance as far as individuals are free to carry them forward. And just as freedom cannot exist when people are imprisoned for their political views, true opportunity cannot exist when people are imprisoned by sickness, or hunger, or darkness.''' * But history tells us that '''true progress is only possible where governments exist to serve their people, and not the other way around.''' * Now, I mentioned yesterday at the town hall -- like America’s first President, [[George Washington]], he understood that d'''emocracy can only endure when it’s bigger than just one person.''' So his willingness to leave power was as profound as his ability to claim power. * And that’s why we support societies that empower women -- because '''no country will reach its potential unless it draws on the talents of our wives and our mothers, and our sisters and our daughters.''' * '''We always have the opportunity to choose our better history. We can always understand that most important decision -- the decision we make when we find our common humanity in one another. That’s always available to us, that choice.''' [...] it can be heard in the confident voices of young people like you. '''It is that spirit, that innate longing for justice and equality, for freedom and solidarity -- that’s the spirit that can light the way forward. It's in you.''' ==== "Let Freedom Ring" Ceremony (August 2013) ==== [[File:Martin Luther King - March on Washington.jpg|thumb|We rightly and best remember [[Martin Luther King, Jr.#I_Have_A_Dream_.281963.29|Dr. King’s soaring oratory that day]], how he gave mighty voice to the quiet hopes of millions; how he offered a salvation path for oppressed and oppressors alike. His words belong to the ages, possessing a power and prophecy unmatched in our time.]] [[File:Civil Rights March on Washington, D.C. (Aerial view of Washington Monument showing marchers.) - NARA - 541997.tif|thumb|No man can take away the dignity and grace that God grants us.]] [[File:March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom, Martin Luther King, Jr. and Joachim Prinz 1963.jpg|thumb|Freedom is not given, it must be won, through struggle and discipline, persistence and faith.]] [[File:Thanksgiving chapel interior.jpg|thumb|The arc of the [[moral]] [[universe]] may bend towards [[justice]], but it doesn’t bend on its own. To secure the gains this country has made requires constant vigilance, not complacency. [...] This country has changed too much. People of goodwill, regardless of party, are too plentiful for those with ill will to change history’s currents.]] [[File:Civil Rights March on Washington, D.C. (Leaders of the march leading marchers down the street.) - NARA - 542003.tif|thumb|That’s where courage comes from -- when we turn not from each other, or on each other, but towards one another, and we find that we do not walk alone. That’s where courage comes from.]] [[File:IhaveadreamMarines.jpg|thumb|There’s a reason why so many who marched that day, and in the days to come, were young -- for the young are unconstrained by habits of fear, unconstrained by the conventions of what is.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/08/28/remarks-president-let-freedom-ring-ceremony-commemorating-50th-anniversa Remarks by the President at the "Let Freedom Ring" Ceremony Commemorating the 50th Anniversary of the March on Washington], Lincoln Memorial, Washington, D.C. (August 28, 2013)</small> * [[w:March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom|Five decades ago today]], Americans came to this honored place to lay claim to [[United States Declaration of Independence|a promise made at our founding]]: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are [[Life]], [[Liberty]] and [[w:Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness|the pursuit of Happiness.]]” In 1963, almost 200 years after those words were set to paper, a full century after [[American Civil War|a great war]] was fought and [[w:Emancipation Proclamation|emancipation proclaimed]], that promise -- those truths -- remained unmet. And so they came by the thousands from every corner of our country, men and women, young and old, blacks who longed for freedom and whites who could no longer accept freedom for themselves while witnessing the subjugation of others. And so they came by the thousands from every corner of our country, men and women, young and old, blacks who longed for freedom and whites who could no longer accept freedom for themselves while witnessing the subjugation of others. * And then, on a hot summer day, they assembled here, in our nation’s capital, under [[w:Lincoln Memorial|the shadow]] of [[Abraham Lincoln|the Great Emancipator]] -- to offer testimony of injustice, to petition their government for redress, and to awaken America’s long-slumbering conscience. '''We rightly and best remember [[Martin Luther King, Jr.#I_Have_A_Dream_.281963.29|Dr. King’s soaring oratory that day]], how he gave mighty voice to the quiet hopes of millions; how he offered a salvation path for oppressed and oppressors alike. His words belong to the ages, possessing a power and prophecy unmatched in our time.''' *<p>But we would do well to recall that day itself also belonged to those ordinary people whose names never appeared in the history books, never got on TV. Many had gone to segregated schools and sat at segregated lunch counters. They lived in towns where they couldn’t vote and cities where their votes didn’t matter. They were couples in love who couldn’t marry, soldiers who fought for freedom abroad that they found denied to them at home. They had seen loved ones beaten, and children fire-hosed, and they had every reason to lash out in anger, or resign themselves to a bitter fate.</p><p>'''And yet they chose a different path. In the face of hatred, they prayed for their tormentors. In the face of violence, they stood up and sat in, with the moral force of nonviolence. Willingly, they went to jail to protest unjust laws, their cells swelling with the sound of freedom songs. A lifetime of indignities had taught them that no man can take away the dignity and grace that [[God]] grants us. They had learned through hard experience what [[Frederick Douglass]] once taught -- that freedom is not given, it must be won, through struggle and discipline, persistence and faith.'''</p> * And because they kept marching, America changed. Because they marched, [[w:Civil Rights Act of 1964|a Civil Rights law was passed]]. Because they marched, [[w:Voting Rights Act of 1965|a Voting Rights law was signed]]. Because they marched, doors of opportunity and education swung open so their daughters and sons could finally imagine a life for themselves beyond washing somebody else’s laundry or shining somebody else’s shoes. Because they marched, city councils changed and state legislatures changed, and Congress changed, and, yes, eventually, the White House changed. Because they marched, America became more free and more fair -- not just for African Americans, but for women and Latinos, Asians and Native Americans; for Catholics, Jews, and Muslims; for gays, for Americans with a disability. America changed for you and for me. and the entire world drew strength from that example, whether the young people who watched from the other side of an [[w:Iron Curtain|Iron Curtain]] and would eventually [[w:Irontear down Curtain#Fall_of_the_Iron_Curtain|tear down that wall]], or the young people inside South Africa who would eventually end [[w:Apartheid in South Africa|the scourge of apartheid]]. * Those are the victories they won, with iron wills and hope in their hearts. That is the transformation that they wrought, with each step of their well-worn shoes. That’s the debt that I and millions of Americans owe those maids, those laborers, those porters, those secretaries; folks who could have run a company maybe if they had ever had a chance; those white students who put themselves in harm’s way, even though they didn't have; those [[w:Japanese American internment|Japanese Americans who recalled their own internment]]; those Jewish Americans who had survived the [[Holocaust]]; people who could have given up and given in, but kept on keeping on, knowing that “[[Psalms#Psalm_30|weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.]]” * '''On the battlefield of justice, men and women without rank or wealth or title or fame would liberate us all in ways that our children now take for granted, as people of all colors and creeds live together and learn together and walk together, and fight alongside one another, and love one another, and judge one another by the content of our character in this greatest nation on Earth.''' * To dismiss the magnitude of this progress -- to suggest, as some sometimes do, that little has changed -- that dishonors the courage and the sacrifice of those who paid the price to march in those years. [[w:Medgar Evers|Medgar Evers]], [[w:James Chaney|James Chaney]], [[w:Andrew Goodman|Andrew Goodman]], [[w:Michael Schwerner|Michael Schwerner]], Martin Luther King Jr. -- they did not die in vain. Their victory was great. But we would dishonor those heroes as well to suggest that the work of this nation is somehow complete. '''The arc of the moral universe may bend towards justice, but it doesn’t bend on its own. To secure the gains this country has made requires constant vigilance, not complacency. Whether by challenging those who erect new barriers to the vote, or ensuring that the scales of justice work equally for all, and the criminal justice system is not simply a pipeline from underfunded schools to overcrowded jails, it requires vigilance. And we'll suffer the occasional setback. But we will win these fights.''' This country has changed too much. '''People of goodwill, regardless of party, are too plentiful for those with ill will to change history’s currents.''' * In some ways, though, the securing of civil rights, voting rights, the eradication of legalized discrimination -- the very significance of these victories may have obscured a second goal of the March. For '''the men and women who gathered 50 years ago were''' not there in search of some abstract ideal. They were there '''seeking jobs as well as justice, not just the absence of oppression but the presence of economic opportunity. For what does it profit a man''', Dr. King would ask, '''to sit at an integrated lunch counter if he can’t afford the meal? This idea -- that one’s liberty is linked to one’s livelihood; that the pursuit of happiness requires the dignity of work, the skills to find work, decent pay, some measure of material security -- this idea was not new.''' Lincoln himself understood the Declaration of Independence in such terms -- as a promise that in due time, “[[Abraham Lincoln#1860s|the weights should be lifted from the shoulders of all men, and that all should have an equal chance.]]” * The test was not, and never has been, whether the doors of opportunity are cracked a bit wider for a few. It was whether our economic system provides a fair shot for the many -- for the black custodian and the white steelworker, the immigrant dishwasher and the Native American veteran. '''To win that battle, to answer that call -- this remains our great unfinished business.''' * We can continue down our current path, in which the gears of this great democracy grind to a halt and our children accept a life of lower expectations; where politics is a zero-sum game where a few do very well while struggling families of every race fight over a shrinking economic pie -- that’s one path. Or we can have the courage to change. * '''The March on Washington teaches us that we are not trapped by the mistakes of history; that we are masters of our fate. But it also teaches us that the promise of this nation will only be kept when we work together.''' We’ll have to reignite the embers of empathy and fellow feeling, the coalition of conscience that found expression in this place 50 years ago. And I believe that spirit is there, that truth force inside each of us. I see it when a white mother recognizes her own daughter in the face of a poor black child. I see it when the black youth thinks of his own grandfather in the dignified steps of an elderly white man. It’s there when the native-born recognizing that striving spirit of the new immigrant; when the interracial couple connects the pain of a gay couple who are discriminated against and understands it as their own. '''That’s where courage comes from -- when we turn not from each other, or on each other, but towards one another, and we find that we do not walk alone. That’s where courage comes from.''' * America, '''I know the road will be long, but I know we can get there. Yes, we will stumble, but I know we’ll get back up. That’s how a movement happens. That’s how history bends. That's how when somebody is faint of heart, somebody else brings them along and says, come on, we’re marching.''' * '''There’s a reason why so many who marched that day, and in the days to come, were young -- for the young are unconstrained by habits of fear, unconstrained by the conventions of what is.''' They dared to dream differently, to imagine something better. And I am convinced that same imagination, the same hunger of purpose stirs in this generation. We might not face the same dangers of 1963, but the fierce urgency of now remains. We may never duplicate the swelling crowds and dazzling procession of that day so long ago -- no one can match King’s brilliance -- but the same flame that lit the heart of all who are willing to take a first step for justice, I know that flame remains. *<p>Everyone who realizes what those glorious patriots knew on that day -- that '''change does not come from Washington, but to Washington'''; that '''change has always been built on our willingness, [[United States Constitution|We The People]], to take on the mantle of citizenship''' -- you are marching.</p><p>'''And that’s the lesson of our past. That's the promise of tomorrow -- that in the face of impossible odds, people who love their country can change it. That when millions of Americans of every race and every region, every faith and every station, can join together in a spirit of brotherhood, then those mountains will be made low, and those rough places will be made plain, and those crooked places, they straighten out towards grace, and we will vindicate the faith of those who sacrificed so much and live up to the true meaning of our creed, as one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.'''</p> ==== Remarks on Economic Mobility (December 2013) ==== [[File:Flickr - Official U.S. Navy Imagery - President stands with Paralympians..jpg|thumb|Success doesn’t depend on being born into wealth or privilege, it depends on effort and merit.]] [[File:The President, the Speaker, and the Taoiseach.jpg|thumb|You owe it to the American people to tell us what you are for, not just what you’re against. That way we can have a vigorous and meaningful debate.]] [[File:Obamas with children at U.S. embassy in Berlin, 2013.jpg|thumb|Ultimately our strength is grounded in our people -- individuals out there, striving, working, making things happen. It depends on community, a rich and generous sense of community [...]. [...] We know that’s our strength -- our people, our communities, our businesses.]] [[File:Barack Obama (3619986288).jpg|thumb|Government can’t stand on the sidelines in our efforts. Because government is us. It can and should reflect our deepest values and commitments.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/12/04/remarks-president-economic-mobility Remarks by the President on Economic Mobility] ([http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/wonkblog/wp/2013/12/04/the-best-speech-obama-has-given-on-the-economy/?tid=pm_business_pop 4 December 2013]) at THEARC in Washington, D.C.</small> * And your work reflects a tradition that runs through our history -- a belief that '''we’re greater together than we are on our own.''' And that’s what I’ve come here to talk about today. * Now, the premise that we’re all created equal is the opening line in the American story. And while we don’t promise equal outcomes, we have strived to deliver equal opportunity -- the idea that '''success doesn’t depend on being born into wealth or privilege, it depends on effort and merit.''' And with every chapter we’ve added to that story, we’ve worked hard to put those words into practice. * So let me repeat: '''The combined trends of increased inequality and decreasing mobility pose a fundamental threat to the American Dream, our way of life, and what we stand for around the globe.''' And it is not simply a moral claim that I’m making here. '''There are practical consequences to rising inequality and reduced mobility.''' For one thing, these trends are bad for our economy. One study finds that '''growth is more fragile and recessions are more frequent in countries with greater inequality.''' And that makes sense. '''When families have less to spend, that means businesses have fewer customers, and households rack up greater mortgage and credit card debt; meanwhile, concentrated wealth at the top is less likely to result in the kind of broadly based consumer spending that drives our economy, and together with lax regulation, may contribute to risky speculative bubbles.''' * And '''rising inequality and declining mobility are also bad for''' our '''families and social cohesion -- not just because we tend to trust our institutions less, but''' studies show '''we actually tend to trust each other less when there’s greater inequality. And greater inequality is associated with less mobility between generations. That means it’s not just temporary; the effects last. It creates a vicious cycle. For example, by the time she turns three years old, a child born into a low-income home hears 30 million fewer words than a child from a well-off family, which means by the time she starts school she’s already behind, and that deficit can compound itself over time.''' * And finally, '''rising inequality and declining mobility are bad for''' our ''' democracy. Ordinary folks can’t write massive campaign checks or hire high-priced lobbyists and lawyers to secure policies that tilt the playing field in their favor at everyone else’s expense. And so people get the bad taste that the system is rigged, and that increases cynicism and polarization, and it decreases the political participation that is a requisite part of our system of self-government.''' * '''It’s true that government cannot prevent all the downsides of the technological change and global competition''' that are out there right now, and some of those forces are also some of the things that are helping us grow. And '''it’s also true that some programs in the past, like welfare before it was reformed, were sometimes poorly designed, created disincentives to work. But we’ve also seen how government action time and again can make an enormous difference in increasing opportunity and bolstering ladders into the middle class. Investments in education, laws establishing collective bargaining, and a minimum wage -- these all contributed to rising standards of living''' for massive numbers of Americans. * It was '''[[Adam Smith]], the father of free-market economics,''' who '''once said, “They who feed, clothe, and lodge the whole body of the people should have such a share of the produce of their own labor as to be themselves tolerably well fed, clothed, and lodged.”''' And for those of you who don’t speak old-English let me translate. '''It means if you work hard, you should make a decent living. If you work hard, you should be able to support a family.''' * I realize '''we are not going to resolve all of our political debates over the best ways to reduce inequality and increase upward mobility this year, or next year, or in the next five years. But it is important that we have a serious debate about these issues. For the longer that current trends are allowed to continue, the more it will feed the cynicism and fear that many Americans are feeling right now -- that they’ll never be able to repay the debt they took on to go to college, they’ll never be able to save enough to retire, they’ll never see their own children land a good job that supports a family.''' * If you still don’t like Obamacare -- and I know you don’t even though it’s built on market-based ideas of choice and competition in the private sector, then you should explain how, exactly, you’d cut costs, and cover more people, and make insurance more secure. '''You owe it to the American people to tell us what you are for, not just what you’re against. That way we can have a vigorous and meaningful debate. That’s what the American people deserve. That’s what the times demand. It’s not enough anymore to just say we should just get our government out of the way and let the unfettered market take care of it -- for our experience tells us that’s just not true.''' * Look, '''I’ve never believed that government can solve every problem or should''' -- and neither do you. We know that '''ultimately our strength is grounded in our people -- individuals out there, striving, working, making things happen. It depends on community, a rich and generous sense of community''' -- that’s at the core of what happens at THEARC here every day. You understand that '''turning back rising inequality and expanding opportunity requires parents taking responsibility for their kids, kids taking responsibility to work hard. It requires religious leaders who mobilize their congregations to rebuild neighborhoods block by block, requires civic organizations that can help train the unemployed, link them with businesses for the jobs of the future. It requires companies and CEOs to set an example by providing decent wages, and salaries, and benefits for their workers, and a shot for somebody who is down on his or her luck. We know that’s our strength -- our people, our communities, our businesses. But government can’t stand on the sidelines in our efforts. Because government is us. It can and should reflect our deepest values and commitments.''' And if we refocus our energies on building an economy that grows for everybody, and gives every child in this country a fair chance at success, then I remain confident that the future still looks brighter than the past, and that the best days for this country we love are still ahead. ==== Eulogy of Nelson Mandela (December 2013) ==== [[File:Bust Of Nelson Mandela-Royal Festival Hall-London.JPG|thumb|Action and ideas are not enough. No matter how right, they must be chiseled into law and institutions.']] [[File:MandelaStatue.jpg|thumb|Reconciliation is not a matter of ignoring a cruel past, but a means of confronting it with inclusion and generosity and truth.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/12/10/remarks-president-obama-memorial-service-former-south-african-president- Remarks by President Obama at Memorial Service for Former South African President Nelson Mandela] [http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/obamas-speech-at-mandela-memorial-mandela-taught-us-the-power-of-action-but-also-ideas/2013/12/10/a22c8a92-618c-11e3-bf45-61f69f54fc5f_story.html (10 December 2013)] at [http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/south-africa-and-world-leaders-say-farewell-to-mandela/2013/12/10/53970846-6153-11e3-a7b4-4a75ebc432ab_story_1.html First National Bank Stadium in Johannesburg, South Africa]</small> * [[Nelson Mandela|Mandela]] taught us the power of action, but he also taught us the power of ideas; the importance of reason and arguments; the need to '''study not only those who you agree with, but also those who you don’t agree with'''. He understood that '''ideas cannot be contained by prison walls, or extinguished by a sniper’s bullet.''' He turned his trial into an indictment of apartheid because of his eloquence and his passion, but also because of his training as an advocate. He used decades in prison to sharpen his arguments, but also to spread his thirst for knowledge to others in the movement. And he learned the language and the customs of his oppressor so that one day he might better convey to them how their own freedom depend upon his. * Mandela demonstrated that '''action and ideas are not enough. No matter how right, they must be chiseled into law and institutions.''' * It took a man like Madiba to free not just the prisoner, but the jailer as well to show that '''you must trust others so that they may trust you'''; to teach that '''reconciliation is not a matter of ignoring a cruel past, but a means of confronting it with inclusion and generosity and truth.''' * '''The struggles that follow the victory of formal equality or universal franchise may not be as filled with drama and moral clarity as those that came before, but they are no less important.''' For around the world today, we still see children suffering from hunger and disease. We still see run-down schools. We still see young people without prospects for the future. Around the world today, men and women are still imprisoned for their political beliefs, and are still persecuted for what they look like, and how they worship, and who they love. That is happening today. '''And so we, too, must act on behalf of justice. We, too, must act on behalf of peace.''' There are too many people who happily embrace Madiba’s legacy of racial reconciliation, but passionately resist even modest reforms that would challenge chronic poverty and growing inequality. There are too many leaders who claim solidarity with Madiba’s struggle for freedom, but do not tolerate dissent from their own people. And there are too many of us on the sidelines, comfortable in complacency or cynicism when our voices must be heard. * The questions we face today -- how to promote equality and justice; how to uphold freedom and human rights; how to end conflict and sectarian war -- these things do not have easy answers. But there were no easy answers in front of that child born in World War I. Nelson Mandela reminds us that '''it always seems impossible until it is done.''' South Africa shows that is true. South Africa shows '''we can change''', that '''we can choose a world defined not by our differences, but by our common hopes. We can choose a world defined not by conflict, but by peace and justice and opportunity.''' === 2014 === [[File:Johnsonliberty.jpg|thumb|History travels not only forwards; history can travel backwards, history can travel sideways. And securing the gains this country has made requires the vigilance of its citizens. Our rights, our freedoms -- they are not given. They must be won. They must be nurtured through struggle and discipline, and persistence and faith.]] [[File:Picket over Cape Times editor 2461.JPG|thumb|If you want a society that is free and vibrant and successful, part of that formula is the free flow of information, of ideas, and that requires a free press. A free press is a foundation for any democracy.]] * For the average person, many folks who don't have health insurance initially, they're going to have to make some choices. And they might end up having to switch doctors, in part because they're saving money. ** [http://www.webmd.com/health-insurance/webmd-interviews-obama Interview with WebMD (14 March 2014)] * And so this visit, [[w:Flanders Field American Cemetery and Memorial|this hallowed ground]], reminds us that '''we must never, ever take our progress for granted. We must commit perennially to peace, which binds us across oceans.''' ** Remarks at Flanders Field Cemetery [http://news.yahoo.com/obama-plays-us-europe-bond-amid-russia-tension-113524803--politics.html in Waregem, Belgium on March 26, 2014.] * Those of us who have had the singular privilege to hold '''the office of the Presidency''' know well that progress in this country can be hard and it can be slow, frustrating and sometimes you’re stymied. '''The office humbles you. You’re reminded daily that in this great democracy, you are but a relay swimmer in the currents of history, bound by decisions made by those who came before, reliant on the efforts of those who will follow to fully vindicate your vision. But the presidency also affords a unique opportunity to bend those currents -- by shaping our laws and by shaping our debates; by working within the confines of the world as it is, but also by reimagining the world as it should be.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/04/10/remarks-president-lbj-presidential-library-civil-rights-summit Remarks by the President at LBJ Presidential Library Civil Rights Summit at Lyndon B. Johnson Presidential Library in Austin, Texas on April 10, 2014.] * But we are here today because we know we cannot be complacent. For '''history travels not only forwards; history can travel backwards, history can travel sideways. And securing the gains this country has made requires the vigilance of its citizens. Our rights, our freedoms -- they are not given. They must be won. They must be nurtured through struggle and discipline, and persistence and faith.''' And one concern I have sometimes during these moments, the celebration of the signing of the Civil Rights Act, the March on Washington -- from a distance, sometimes these commemorations seem inevitable, they seem easy. All the pain and difficulty and struggle and doubt -- all that is rubbed away. And we look at ourselves and we say, oh, things are just too different now; we couldn’t possibly do what was done then -- these giants, what they accomplished. And yet, they were men and women, too. It wasn’t easy then. It wasn’t certain then. Still, '''the story of America is a story of progress. However slow, however incomplete, however harshly challenged at each point on our journey, however flawed our leaders, however many times we have to take a quarter of a loaf or half a loaf -- the story of America is a story of progress. And that’s true because of men like President [[Lyndon B. Johnson|Lyndon Baines Johnson]].''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/04/10/remarks-president-lbj-presidential-library-civil-rights-summit Remarks by the President at LBJ Presidential Library Civil Rights Summit at Lyndon B. Johnson Presidential Library in Austin, Texas on April 10, 2014.] * And if there is one thing that he and this year’s anniversary should teach us, if there’s one lesson I hope that Malia and Sasha and young people everywhere learn from this day, it’s that '''with enough effort, and enough empathy, and enough perseverance, and enough courage, people who love their country can change it.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/04/10/remarks-president-lbj-presidential-library-civil-rights-summit Remarks by the President at LBJ Presidential Library Civil Rights Summit at Lyndon B. Johnson Presidential Library in Austin, Texas on April 10, 2014.] * What makes us Americans is something more than just the circumstances of birth, what we look like, what God we worship, but rather it is a joyful spirit of citizenship. '''Citizenship demands participation and responsibility, and service to our country and to one another. And few embody that more than our men and women in uniform.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/04/25/remarks-president-obama-naturalization-ceremony-servicemembers Remarks by President Obama at Naturalization Ceremony for Servicemembers at The War Memorial of Korea in Seoul, Republic of Korea at April 25, 2014] * '''Freedom is not an accident. Progress is not an accident. Democracy is not an accident. These are things that have to be fought for.''' You’re part of that legacy. '''They must be won. And they’ve got to be tended to constantly and defended without fail.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/04/26/remarks-president-obama-us-troops-and-personnel-us-army-garrison-yongsan Remarks by President Obama to U.S. Troops and Personnel at U.S. Army Garrison Yongsan in Seoul, Republic of Korea at April 26, 2014] * '''There is no greater nobility than offering one’s life to the nation''' and, Mr. President, your father offered his life so that this nation might be free. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/04/28/remarks-president-obama-and-president-aquino-iii-philippines-state-dinne Remarks by President Obama and President Aquino III of the Philippines during a State Dinner at Malacanang Palace in Manila, Philippines on April 28, 2014] * We have to do our best to uphold in our own lives the values that they were prepared to die for. We have to honor those who carry forward that legacy, recognizing that '''people cannot live in freedom unless free people are prepared to die for it.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/06/06/remarks-president-obama-70th-anniversary-d-day-omaha-beach-normandy Remarks by President Obama at the 70th Anniversary of D-Day at Normandy American Cemetery and Memorial, Omaha Beach, Normandy, France at June 6, 2014] * [[ISIL]] speaks for no religion. Their victims are overwhelmingly Muslim, and no faith teaches people to massacre innocents. No just God would stand for what they did yesterday, and for what they do every single day. ISIL has no ideology of any value to human beings. Their ideology is bankrupt. They may claim out of expediency that they are at war with the United States or the West, but the fact is they terrorize their neighbors and offer them nothing but an endless slavery to their empty vision, and the collapse of any definition of civilized behavior. And '''people like this ultimately fail. They fail, because the future is won by those who build and not destroy.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/08/20/statement-president Statement by the President (20 August 2014)] * You can’t contain an organization that is running roughshod through that much territory, causing that much havoc, displacing that many people, killing that many innocents, enslaving that many women. The goal has to be to dismantle them. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/09/05/remarks-president-obama-nato-summit-press-conference When Obama was asked what's needed to really destroy ISIL, not just push back - NATO Summit Press Conference] (9 September 2014) * '''We are the first generation to feel the impact of [[climate change]] and the last to be able to do anything about it.''' ** Barack Obama during the Climate change summit in New York, as quoted in [http://www.theguardian.com/environment/2014/sep/24/climate-change-summit-julie-bishop-commends-australias-emission-targets ''The Guardian'''s article Climate change summit: Julie Bishop commends Australia’s emission targets by Helen Davidson (24 September 2014)] * The issue of press freedom is a constant concern in my interactions with the Chinese government. It’s an issue that I’ve raised with the President here in Burma. I’m pretty blunt and pretty frank about the fact that '''societies that repress journalists ultimately oppress people as well, and''' that '''if you want a society that is free and vibrant and successful, part of that formula is the free flow of information, of ideas, and that requires a free press.''' [...] And we believe that '''when governments censor or control information''', that ultimately '''that undermines not only the society, but it leads to eventual encroachments on individual rights as well.''' [...] I brought up a basic principle that I stated earlier, which is that '''a free press is a foundation for any democracy. We rely on journalists to explain and describe the actions of our government. If the government controls the journalists, then it's very difficult for citizens to hold that government accountable.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/11/14/remarks-president-obama-and-daw-aung-san-suu-kyi-burma-joint-press-confe Remarks by President Obama and Daw Aung San Suu Kyi of Burma in Joint Press Conference at Aung San Suu Kyi Residence in Rangoon, Burma on November 14, 2014] * I am a firm believer that '''any legitimate government has to be based on rule of law and a recognition that all people are equal under the law.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/11/14/remarks-president-obama-and-daw-aung-san-suu-kyi-burma-joint-press-confe Remarks by President Obama and Daw Aung San Suu Kyi of Burma in Joint Press Conference at Aung San Suu Kyi Residence in Rangoon, Burma on November 14, 2014] * There have been periods where the folks who were already here suddenly say, 'Well, I don't want those folks,' even though the only people who have the right to say that are some Native Americans. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/11/25/remarks-president-immigration-chicago-il Remarks by the President on Immigration -- Chicago, IL (November 25, 2014)] ==== Review of Signals Intelligence Speech (June 2014) ==== [[File:Authority of Law SCOTUS.JPG|thumb|Liberty cannot depend on the good intentions of those in power; it depends on the law to constrain those in power.]] [[File:Liberty Displaying the Arts and Sciences, or The Genius of America Encouraging the Emancipation of the Blacks, 1792.jpg|thumb|Every person has the right to think and write and form relationships freely -- because individual freedom is the wellspring of human progress.]] :[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/01/17/remarks-president-review-signals-intelligence Remarks by the President on Review of Signals Intelligence (17 June 2014) at the U.S. Department of Justice in Washington, D.C., U.S.] * And yet, '''in our rush to respond to a very real and novel set of threats, the risk of government overreach -- the possibility that we lose some of our core liberties in pursuit of security''' -- also '''became more pronounced. […] intelligence agencies cannot function without secrecy, which makes their work less subject to public debate. Yet there is an inevitable bias not only within the intelligence community, but among all of us who are responsible for national security, to collect more information about the world, not less. So in the absence of institutional requirements for regular debate -- and oversight that is public, as well as private or classified -- the danger of government overreach becomes more acute. And this is particularly true when surveillance technology and our reliance on digital information is evolving much faster than''' our '''laws.''' * '''[T]he combination of increased digital information and powerful supercomputers offers intelligence agencies the possibility of sifting through massive amounts of bulk data to identify patterns or pursue leads that may thwart impending threats.''' It’s a powerful tool. '''But the government collection and storage of such bulk data also creates a potential for abuse.''' * I indicated in a speech at the National Defense University last May that we needed a more robust public discussion about the balance between security and liberty. Of course, what I did not know at the time is that within weeks of my speech, an avalanche of unauthorized disclosures would spark controversies at home and abroad that have continued to this day. And given the fact of an open investigation, I’m not going to dwell on [[Edward Snowden|Mr. Snowden]]’s actions or his motivations; I will say that '''our nation’s defense depends in part on the fidelity of those entrusted with our nation’s secrets. If any individual who objects to government policy can take it into their own hands to publicly disclose classified information, then we will not be able to keep our people safe, or conduct foreign policy.''' Moreover, the sensational way in which [[w:Global surveillance disclosures (2013–present)|these disclosures]] have come out has often shed more heat than light, while revealing methods to our adversaries that could impact our operations in ways that we may not fully understand for years to come. * There was a recognition by all who participated in these reviews that the '''challenges to our privacy do not come from government alone. Corporations of all shapes and sizes track what you buy, store and analyze our data, and use it for commercial purposes'''; that’s how those targeted ads pop up on your computer and your smartphone periodically. '''But all of us understand that the standards for government surveillance must be higher. Given the unique power of the state, it is not enough for leaders to say: Trust us, we won’t abuse the data we collect. For history has too many examples when that trust has been breached. Our system of government is built on the premise that our liberty cannot depend on the good intentions of those in power; it depends on the law to constrain those in power.''' * What’s at stake in this debate goes far beyond a few months of headlines, or passing tensions in our foreign policy. When you cut through the noise, what’s really at stake is how we remain true to who we are in a world that is remaking itself at dizzying speed. Whether it’s the ability of individuals to communicate ideas; to access information that would have once filled every great library in every country in the world; or to forge bonds with people on other sides of the globe, technology is remaking what is possible for individuals, and for institutions, and for the international order. So while the reforms that I have announced will point us in a new direction, I am mindful that more work will be needed in the future. One thing I’m certain of: This debate will make us stronger. And I also know that in this time of change, the United States of America will have to lead. It may seem sometimes that America is being held to a different standard. And I'll admit the readiness of some to assume the worst motives by our government can be frustrating. No one expects China to have an open debate about their surveillance programs, or Russia to take privacy concerns of citizens in other places into account. But let’s remember: We are held to a different standard precisely because we have been at the forefront of defending personal privacy and human dignity. * As the nation that developed the Internet, the world expects us to ensure that the digital revolution works as a tool for individual empowerment, not government control. Having faced down the dangers of totalitarianism and fascism and communism, the world expects us to stand up for the principle that '''every person has the right to think and write and form relationships freely -- because individual freedom is the wellspring of human progress.''' * Those values make us who we are. And because of the strength of our own democracy, we should not shy away from high expectations. For more than two centuries, our Constitution has weathered every type of change because we have been willing to defend it, and because we have been willing to question the actions that have been taken in its defense. Today is no different. I believe we can meet high expectations. '''Together, let us chart a way forward that secures the life of our nation while preserving the liberties that make our nation worth fighting for.''' ==== Sixth State of the Union Address (January 2014) ==== [[File:The County Election, Bingham, 1846.jpg|thumb|Citizenship means standing up for everyone's right to vote.[...] It should be the power of our vote, not the size of our bank account, that drives our democracy.]] [[File:Diagram of the Federal Government and American Union edit.jpg|thumb|Citizenship demands a sense of common purpose; participation in the hard work of self-government; an obligation to serve to our communities.]] [[File:Thomas P. Rossiter, Signing of the Constitution.jpg|thumb|We counter terrorism not just through intelligence and military action but by remaining true to our constitutional ideals and setting an example for the rest of the world.]] [[File:Scene at the Signing of the Constitution of the United States.jpg|thumb|America has never come easy. Our freedom, our democracy, has never been easy. Sometimes we stumble; we make mistakes; we get frustrated or discouraged. But for more than two hundred years, we have put those things aside and placed our collective shoulder to the wheel of progress: to create and build and expand the possibilities of individual achievement; to free other nations from tyranny and fear; to promote justice and fairness and equality under the law, so that the words set to paper by our founders are made real for every citizen.]] :<small>[http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/full-text-of-obamas-2014-state-of-the-union-address/2014/01/28/e0c93358-887f-11e3-a5bd-844629433ba3_story.html Sixth State of the Union Address delivered on January 28, 2014 during a joint session of the United States Congress]</small> * Tonight this chamber speaks with one voice to the people we represent: '''It is you, our citizens, who make the state of our union strong.''' * And in the coming months, let's see where else we can make progress together. Let's make this a year of action. That's what most Americans want, for all of us in this chamber to focus on their lives, their hopes, their aspirations. And '''what I believe unites the people of this nation, regardless of race or region or party, young or old, rich or poor, is the simple, profound belief in opportunity for all, the notion that if you work hard and take responsibility, you can get ahead in America.''' * The point is, there are millions of Americans outside Washington who are tired of stale political arguments and are moving this country forward. They believe, and I believe, that here in America, '''our success should depend not on accident of birth but the strength of our work ethic and the scope of our dreams.''' * This year let's all come together, Congress, the White House, businesses from Wall Street to Main Street, to give every woman the opportunity she deserves, because I believe '''when women succeed, America succeeds.''' * Now, women hold a majority of lower-wage jobs, but they're not the only ones stifled by stagnant wages. Americans understand that '''some people will earn more money than others, and we don't resent those who, by virtue of their efforts, achieve incredible success.''' That's what America's all about. '''But''' Americans overwhelmingly agree that '''no one who works full-time should ever have to raise a family in poverty.''' * That's why tonight I ask every American who knows someone without health insurance to help them get covered by March 31st. Help them get covered. Moms, get on your kids to sign up. Kids, call your mom and walk her through the application. It'll give her some peace of mind, and plus, she'll appreciate hearing from you. After all, that -- '''that's the spirit that has always moved this nation forward. It's the spirit of citizenship, the recognition that through hard work and responsibility, we can pursue our individual dreams, but still come together as one American family to make sure the next generation can pursue its dreams as well.''' * '''Citizenship means standing up for everyone's right to vote.''' [[w:Shelby County v. Holder|Last year, part of the Voting Rights Act was weakened]], but conservative Republicans and liberal Democrats are working together to strengthen it. And the bipartisan commission I appointed, chaired by my campaign lawyer and [[Mitt Romney|Governor Romney]]'s campaign lawyer, came together and have offered reforms so that no one has to wait more than a half hour to vote. Let's support these efforts. '''It should be the power of our vote, not the size of our bank account, that drives our democracy.''' * '''Citizenship demands a sense of common purpose; participation in the hard work of self-government; an obligation to serve to our communities.''' * For while our relationship with Afghanistan will change, one thing will not: our resolve that terrorists do not launch attacks against our country. [...] '''We have to remain vigilant. But I strongly believe our leadership and our security cannot depend on our outstanding military alone.''' As commander in chief, I have used force when needed to protect the American people, and I will never hesitate to do so as long as I hold this office. But I will not send our troops into harm's way unless it is truly necessary, nor will I allow our sons and daughters to be mired in open-ended conflicts. '''We must fight the battles that need to be fought, not those that terrorists prefer from us -- large-scale deployments that drain our strength and may ultimately feed extremism. So even as we actively and aggressively pursue terrorist networks, through more targeted efforts and by building the capacity of our foreign partners, America must move off a permanent war footing.''' That's why I've imposed prudent limits on the use of drones, '''for we will not be safer if people abroad believe we strike within their countries without regard for the consequence.''' * And with [[w:War in Afghanistan (2001–present)|the Afghan war]] ending, this needs to be the year Congress lifts the remaining restrictions on detainee transfers and we close the prison at [[w:Guantanamo Bay detention camp|Guantanamo Bay]], because '''we counter [[terrorism]] not just through intelligence and military action but by remaining true to our constitutional ideals and setting an example for the rest of the world.''' * '''If [[John F. Kennedy]] and [[Ronald Reagan]] could negotiate with the Soviet Union, then surely a strong and confident America can negotiate with less powerful adversaries today.''' * And finally, '''let's remember that our leadership is defined not just by our defense against threats but by the enormous opportunities to do good and promote understanding around the globe, to forge greater cooperation, to expand new markets, to free people from fear and want.''' And no one is better positioned to take advantage of those opportunities than America. Our alliance with Europe remains the strongest the world has ever known. From Tunisia to Burma, '''we're supporting those who are willing to do the hard work of building democracy.''' In Ukraine, '''we stand for the principle that all people have the right to express themselves freely and peacefully and to have a say in their country's future.''' [...] '''We do these things because they help promote our long-term security. And we do them because we believe in the inherent dignity and equality of every human being, regardless of race or religion, creed or sexual orientation.''' [...] My fellow Americans, '''no other country in the world does what we do. On every issue, the world turns to us, not simply because of the size of our economy or our military might but because of the ideals we stand for and the burdens we bear to advance them.''' * '''America has never come easy. Our freedom, our democracy, has never been easy. Sometimes we stumble; we make mistakes; we get frustrated or discouraged. But for more than two hundred years, we have put those things aside and placed our collective shoulder to the wheel of progress: to create and build and expand the possibilities of individual achievement; to free other nations from tyranny and fear; to promote justice and fairness and equality under the law, so that the words set to paper by our founders are made real for every citizen. The America we want for our kids -- a rising America where honest work is plentiful and communities are strong; where prosperity is widely shared and opportunity for all lets us go as far as our dreams and toil will take us -- none of it is easy. But if we work together; if we summon what is best in us [...], with our feet planted firmly in today but our eyes cast towards tomorrow, I know it's within our reach. Believe it.''' ==== Address to European Youth (March 2014) ==== [[File:Chifflart - Das Gewissen - 1877.jpeg|thumb|Through conscience and free will, each of us has the right to live as we choose.]] [[File:UNO New York.JPG|thumb|Our enduring strength is also reflected in our respect for an international system that protects the rights of both nations and people -- a [[United Nations]] and a [[w:Universal Declaration of Human Rights|Universal Declaration of Human Rights]]; international law and the means to enforce those laws. But we also know that those rules are not self-executing; they depend on people and nations of goodwill continually affirming them.]] [[File:A solar halo illuminates the sky over an American flag flying outside Building 1 at Eglin Air Force Base, Fla., in the early afternoon Nov. 12, 2013 131112-F-OC707-021.jpg|thumb|We are human, after all, and we face difficult choices about how to exercise our power. But part of what makes us different is that we welcome criticism, just as we welcome the responsibilities that come with global leadership.]] [[File:Demoralization Leaflet Robert Ley Postcard front.jpeg|thumb|No amount of propaganda can make right something that the world knows is wrong.]] [[File:Blue Marble Western Hemisphere.jpg|thumb|Our democracy, our individual opportunity only exists because those who came before us had the wisdom and the courage to recognize that our ideals will only endure if we see our self-interest in the success of other peoples and other nations.]] [[File:Day 294 - West Midlands Police - Film project with young people in Birmingham (8102717350).jpg|thumb|Do not think for a moment that your own freedom, your own prosperity, that your own moral imagination is bound by the limits of your community, your ethnicity, or even your country. You’re bigger than that. You can help us to choose a better history.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/03/26/remarks-president-address-european-youth Address to European Youth delivered on March 26, 2014 at Palais des Beaux Arts Brussels, Belgium]</small> * Throughout human history, societies have grappled with fundamental questions of how to organize themselves, the proper relationship between the individual and the state, the best means to resolve inevitable conflicts between states. And it was here in Europe, through centuries of struggle -- through war and [[w:Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment]], repression and revolution -- that '''a particular set of ideals began to emerge''': The belief that '''through conscience and free will, each of us has the right to live as we choose.''' The belief that '''power is derived from the consent of the governed''', and that '''laws and institutions should be established to protect that understanding.''' And those ideas eventually inspired a band of colonialists across an ocean, and they wrote them into the founding documents that still guide America today, including the simple truth that '''all men -- and women -- are created equal.''' But those ideals have also been tested -- here in Europe and around the world. Those ideals have often been threatened by an older, more traditional view of power. This alternative vision argues that ordinary men and women are too small-minded to govern their own affairs, that order and progress can only come when individuals surrender their rights to an all-powerful sovereign. Often, this alternative vision roots itself in the notion that by virtue of race or faith or ethnicity, some are inherently superior to others, and that individual identity must be defined by “us” versus “them,” or that national greatness must flow not by what a people stand for, but by what they are against. In many ways, the history of Europe in the 20th century represented the ongoing clash of these two sets of ideas, both within nations and among nations. The advance of industry and technology outpaced our ability to resolve our differences peacefully, and even among the most civilized of societies, on the surface we saw a descent into barbarism. * This morning at [[w:Flanders Field American Cemetery and Memorial|Flanders Field]], I was reminded of how war between peoples sent a generation to their deaths in the trenches and gas of the [[World War II|First World War]]. And just two decades later, extreme nationalism plunged this continent into [[World War II|war]] once again -- with populations enslaved, and great cities reduced to rubble, and tens of millions slaughtered, including those lost in the [[Holocaust]]. It is in response to this tragic history that, in the aftermath of World War II, America joined with Europe to reject the darker forces of the past and build a new architecture of peace. Workers and engineers gave life to the [[w:Marshall Plan.|Marshall Plan]]. Sentinels stood vigilant in a NATO Alliance that would become the strongest the world has ever known. And '''across the Atlantic, we embraced a shared vision of Europe -- a vision based on representative democracy, individual rights, and a belief that nations can meet the interests of their citizens through trade and open markets; a social safety net and respect for those of different faiths and backgrounds.''' * For decades, this vision stood in sharp contrast to life on the other side of an [[w:Iron Curtain|Iron Curtain]]. [[Cold War|For decades, a contest was waged, and ultimately that contest was won]] -- not by tanks or missiles, but because our ideals stirred the hearts of [[w:Iron Curtain#Fall_of_the_Iron_Curtain|Hungarians who sparked a revolution]]; [[w:History of Solidarity|Poles in their shipyards who stood in Solidarity]]; Czechs who waged a [[w:Velvet Revolution|Velvet Revolution]] without firing a shot; and [[w:Peaceful Revolution|East Berliners who marched past the guards and finally tore down]] [[Berlin Wall|that wall]]. Today, what would have seemed impossible in [[w:Flanders Fields|the trenches of Flanders]], the rubble of Berlin, or a dissident’s prison cell -- that reality is taken for granted. [[w:German Unification|A Germany unified]]. [[w:Revolutions of 1989|The nations of Central and Eastern Europe welcomed into the family of democracies.]] Here in this country, once the battleground of Europe, we meet in the hub of [[w:European Union|a Union]] that brings together age-old adversaries in peace and cooperation. The people of Europe, hundreds of millions of citizens -- east, west, north, south -- are more secure and more prosperous because we stood together for the ideals we share. And this story of human progress was by no means limited to Europe. Indeed, the ideals that came to define our alliance also inspired movements across the globe among those very people, ironically, who had too often been denied their full rights by Western powers. After the Second World War, people from Africa to India threw off the yoke of colonialism to secure their independence. [[w:American Civil Rights Movement|In the United States, citizens took freedom rides and endured beatings to put an end to segregation and to secure their civil rights]]. As the Iron Curtain fell here in Europe, the iron fist of [[w:Apartheid|apartheid]] was unclenched, and [[Nelson Mandela]] emerged upright, proud, from prison to lead a multiracial democracy. Latin American nations rejected dictatorship and built new democracies, and Asian nations showed that development and democracy could go hand in hand. * Young people in the audience today, young people like Laura, were born in a place and a time where there is less conflict, more prosperity and more freedom than any time in human history. But that’s not because man’s darkest impulses have vanished. Even here, in Europe, we’ve seen [[w:Balkan Wars|ethnic cleansing in the Balkans]] that shocked the conscience. The difficulties of integration and globalization, recently amplified by the worst economic crisis of our lifetimes, strained the European project and stirred the rise of a politics that too often targets immigrants or gays or those who seem somehow different. While technology has opened up vast opportunities for trade and innovation and cultural understanding, it’s also allowed terrorists to kill on a horrifying scale. Around the world, sectarian warfare and ethnic conflicts continue to claim thousands of lives. And [[w:2014 Crimean crisis|once again, we are confronted with the belief among some that bigger nations can bully smaller ones to get their way]] -- that recycled maxim that [[w:Might makes right|might somehow makes right]]. So I come here today to insist that '''we must never take for granted the progress that has been won here in Europe and advanced around the world, because the contest of ideas continues for your generation.''' And [[w:2014 Ukrainian revolution|that’s what’s at stake in Ukraine today]]. Russia’s leadership is challenging truths that only a few weeks ago seemed self-evident -- that in the 21st century, the borders of Europe cannot be redrawn with force, that international law matters, that people and nations can make their own decisions about their future. * None of us can know for certain what the coming days will bring in Ukraine, but I am confident that eventually '''those voices -- those voices for human dignity and opportunity and individual rights and rule of law -- those voices ultimately will triumph. I believe that over the long haul, as nations that are free, as free people, the future is ours.''' I believe this not because I’m naïve, and I believe this not because of the strength of our arms or the size of our economies, '''I believe this because these ideals that we affirm are true; these ideals are universal.''' * '''Yes, we believe in democracy -- with elections that are free and fair; and independent judiciaries and opposition parties; civil society and uncensored information so that individuals can make their own choices. Yes, we believe in open economies based on free markets and innovation, and individual initiative and entrepreneurship, and trade and investment that creates a broader prosperity. And, yes, we believe in human dignity -- that every person is created equal, no matter who you are, or what you look like, or who you love, or where you come from. That is what we believe. That’s what makes us strong. And our enduring strength is also reflected in our respect for an international system that protects the rights of both nations and people -- a [[United Nations]] and a [[w:Universal Declaration of Human Rights|Universal Declaration of Human Rights]]; international law and the means to enforce those laws. But we also know that those rules are not self-executing; they depend on people and nations of goodwill continually affirming them.''' * Of course, neither the United States nor Europe are perfect in adherence to our ideals, nor do we claim to be the sole arbiter of what is right or wrong in the world. '''We are human, after all, and we face difficult choices about how to exercise our power. But part of what makes us different is that we welcome criticism, just as we welcome the responsibilities that come with global leadership.''' * '''No amount of propaganda can make right something that the world knows is wrong.''' * '''There will always be voices who say that what happens in the wider world is not our concern, nor our responsibility. But we must never forget that we are heirs to a struggle for freedom. Our democracy, our individual opportunity only exists because those who came before us had the wisdom and the courage to recognize that our ideals will only endure if we see our self-interest in the success of other peoples and other nations.''' * And '''it is you, the young people''' of Europe, young people like Laura, '''who will help decide which way the currents of our history will flow. Do not think for a moment that your own freedom, your own prosperity, that your own moral imagination is bound by the limits of your community, your ethnicity, or even your country. You’re bigger than that. You can help us to choose a better history.''' That’s what Europe tells us. That’s what the American experience is all about. * '''In the end, the success of our ideals comes down to us -- including the example of our own lives, our own societies. We know that there will always be intolerance. But instead of fearing the immigrant, we can welcome him. We can insist on policies that benefit the many, not just the few; that an age of globalization and dizzying change opens the door of opportunity to the marginalized, and not just a privileged few. Instead of targeting our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters, we can use our laws to protect their rights. Instead of defining ourselves in opposition to others, we can affirm the aspirations that we hold in common.''' That’s what will make America strong. That’s what will make Europe strong. '''That’s what makes us who we are. And just as we meet our responsibilities as individuals, we must be prepared to meet them as nations. Because we live in a world in which our ideals are going to be challenged again and again by forces that would drag us back into conflict or corruption. We can’t count on others to rise to meet those tests.''' * And '''that’s the question we all must answer''' -- what kind of Europe, what kind of America, '''what kind of world will we leave behind. And I believe that if we hold firm to our principles, and are willing to back our beliefs with courage and resolve, then hope will ultimately overcome fear, and freedom will continue to triumph over tyranny -- because that is what forever stirs in the human heart.''' * '''It’s not a sign of strength. Anybody can make threats. Anyone can move an army. Anyone can show off a missile. That doesn’t make you strong. It does not lead to security, or opportunity, or respect. Those things don't come through force. They have to be earned.''' And '''real strength is allowing an open and participatory democracy, where people can choose their own leaders and choose their own destiny.''' And '''real strength is allowing a vibrant society, where people can think and pray and speak their minds as they please, even if it’s against their leaders -- especially if it’s against their leaders. Real strength is allowing free and open markets that have built growing, thriving middle classes and lifted millions of people out of poverty.''' ==== Young Southeast Asian Leaders Initiative Town Hall (April 2014) ==== [[File:As08-16-2593.jpg|thumb|The most important thing for -- and maybe the most important thing for all the young people here -- is to realize that you really can have an impact on the world; you can achieve your dreams. But in order to do so, you have to focus not so much on a title or how much money you’re going to make, you have to focus more on what kind of influence and impact are you going to have on other people’s lives -- what good can you do in the world.]] [[File:2013 State of the Union Address.jpg|thumb|We must recognize that democracies don’t stop just with elections; they also depend on strong institutions and a vibrant civil society, and open political space, and tolerance of people who are different than you. We have to create an environment where the rights of every citizen, regardless of race or gender, or religion or sexual orientation are not only protected, but respected.]] [[File:Barack Obama at tornado-smashed school in Moore, Oklahoma.jpg|thumb|The most important thing that I learned as a young person trying to bring about change is you have to be persistent, and you have to get more people involved, and you have to form relationships with different groups and different organizations. And you have to listen to people about what they’re feeling and what they’re concerned about, and build trust. And then, you have to try to find a small part of the problem and get success on that first, so that maybe from there you can start something else and make it bigger and make it bigger, until over time you are really making a difference in your community and in that problem. But you can’t be impatient.]] [[File:Obamas greet visitors in White House.jpg|thumb|Treat people with respect, whoever they are, and expect your governments to treat everybody with respect. And if you do that, then you’re going to be okay.]] : <small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/04/27/remarks-president-obama-young-southeast-asian-leaders-initiative-town-ha Remarks by President Obama at Young Southeast Asian Leaders Initiative Town Hall, University of Malaya, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia (April 27, 2014)]</small> * Now, one of the things that makes this region so interesting is its diversity. That diversity creates a unique intersection of humanity -- people from so many ethnic groups and backgrounds and religious and political beliefs. I gives Malaysia, as one primary example, the chance to prove -- as America constantly tries to prove -- that '''nations are stronger and more successful when they work to uphold the civil rights and political rights and human rights of all their citizens.''' * Partnerships like those remind us that '''the relationship between nations is not just defined by governments, but is defined by people -- especially the young people who will determine the future long after those of us who are currently in positions of power leave the stage.''' * '''No nation is immune to dangerous and disruptive weather patterns, so every nation is going to have to do its part.''' And the United States is ready to do ours. Last year, I introduced America’s first-ever Climate Action Plan to use more clean energy and less dirty energy, and cut the dangerous carbon pollution that contributes to climate change. So we want to cooperate with countries in Southeast Asia to do the same, to combat the destruction of our forests. '''We can’t condemn future generations to a planet that is beyond fixing. We can only do that together.''' * America is the world’s oldest constitutional '''democracy'''; that means we’re going to stand up for democracy -- it’s a part of who we are. And we do this not only because we think it’s right, but because '''it’s been proven to be the most stable and successful form of government.''' In recent decades, many Asian nations have shown that different nations can realize the promise of self-government in their own way; they have their own path. But '''we must recognize that democracies don’t stop just with elections; they also depend on strong institutions and a vibrant civil society, and open political space, and tolerance of people who are different than you. We have to create an environment where the rights of every citizen, regardless of race or gender, or religion or sexual orientation are not only protected, but respected.''' * We know that '''progress can always be reversed''', and that '''positive change is achieved not through passion alone, but through patient and persistent effort.''' But we’ve seen things change for the better in this region and around the world '''because of the effort of ordinary people, together -- working together.''' * And when I think back to my journey, my past, I think '''the most important thing for -- and maybe the most important thing for all the young people here -- is to realize that you really can have an impact on the world; you can achieve your dreams. But in order to do so, you have to focus not so much on a title or how much money you’re going to make, you have to focus more on what kind of influence and impact are you going to have on other people’s lives -- what good can you do in the world.''' Now, that may involve starting a business, but if you want to start a business you should be really excited about the product or the service that you’re making. It shouldn’t just be how much money I can make -- because the business people who I meet who do amazing things, like [[Bill Gates]], who started Microsoft -- they’re usually people who are really interested in what they do and they really think that it can make a difference in people’s lives. '''If you want to go into government, you shouldn’t just want to be a particular government official. You should want to go into government because you think it can help educate some children, or it can help provide jobs for people who need work.''' So I think '''the most important thing for me was when I started thinking more about other people and how I could have an impact in my larger society and community, and wasn’t just thinking about myself. That’s when I think your dreams can really take off -- because if you’re only thinking about you, then your world is small; if you‘re thinking about others, then your world gets bigger.''' * The world has gotten smaller and '''no country is going to succeed if part of its population is put on the sidelines because they’re discriminated against. [...] No society is going to succeed if half your population -- meaning women -- aren’t getting the same education and employment opportunities as men.''' So I think the key point for all of you, especially as young people, is '''you should embrace your culture. You should be proud of who you are and your background. And you should appreciate the differences in language and food. And how you worship God is going to be different, and those are things that you should be proud of. But it shouldn’t be a tool to look down on somebody else. It shouldn’t be a reason to discriminate. And you have to make sure that you are speaking out against that in your daily life, and as you emerge as leaders you should be on the side of politics that brings people together rather than drives them apart. That is the most important thing for this generation.''' And '''part of the way to do that is to be able to stand in other people’s shoes, see through their eyes.''' Almost every religion has within it the basic principle that I, as a Christian, understand from the teachings of [[Jesus]]. '''Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Treat people the way you want to be treated. And if you’re not doing that and if society is not respecting that basic principle, then we’re going backwards instead of going forward.''' [...] And when you see astronauts from Japan or from the United States or from Russia or others working together, and they’re looking down at this planet from a distance you realize '''we’re all on this little rock in the middle of space and the differences that seem so important to us from a distance dissolve into nothing. And so, we have to have that same perspective -- respecting everybody, treating everybody equally under the law. That has to be a principle that all of you uphold.''' * So, '''first of all, you’ve got to try to get people involved.''' And a lot of people are busy in their own lives or they don’t think it’s going to make a difference or they’re scared if they’re speaking out against authority. And many of the problems that we’re facing, like trying to create jobs or better opportunity or dealing with poverty or dealing with the environment, these are problems that have been going on for decades. And so, '''to think that somehow you’re going to change it in a day or a week, and then if it doesn’t happen you just give up, well, then you definitely won’t succeed. So the most important thing that I learned as a young person trying to bring about change is you have to be persistent, and you have to get more people involved, and you have to form relationships with different groups and different organizations. And you have to listen to people about what they’re feeling and what they’re concerned about, and build trust. And then, you have to try to find a small part of the problem and get success on that first, so that maybe from there you can start something else and make it bigger and make it bigger, until over time you are really making a difference in your community and in that problem. But you can’t be impatient.''' And the great thing about young people is they’re impatient. The biggest problem with young people is they’re impatient. It’s a strength, because it’s what makes you want to change things. But sometimes, '''you can be disappointed if change doesn’t happen right away and then you just give up. And you just have to stay with it and learn from your failures, as well as your successes.''' * But what you’ve also seen is a trend in the United States but also around the world in which even when the economy grows, it tends to benefit a lot of people at the very top, but the vast majority of people, they don't benefit as much. And you're starting to see bigger and bigger gaps in inequality and in wealth and in opportunity. And that's true not just in the United States, it's true in Europe; it's long been true in parts of Asia; it's been true in Latin America. And I believe that '''economies work best when growth and development is broad-based, when it's shared -- when ordinary people, if they work hard and they take responsibility, they can succeed. Not everybody is going to be rich, but everybody should be able to live a good life. Not everybody is going to be a billionaire, but everybody should be able to have a nice home and educate their children and feel some sense of security.''' * '''Investing in people is the single most important thing in the [[knowledge economy]]. Traditionally, wealth was defined by land and natural resources. Today the most important resources is between our ears.''' * '''Treat people with respect, whoever they are, and expect your governments to treat everybody with respect. And if you do that, then you’re going to be okay.''' * [...] despite how hard sometimes the world seems to be, and all you see on television is war and conflict and poverty and violence, '''the truth is that if you had to choose when to be born, not knowing where or who you would be, in all of human history, now would be the time. Because the world is less violent, it is healthier, it is wealthier, it is more tolerant and it offers more opportunity than any time in human history for more people than any time in human history.''' Now, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t still terrible things happening around the world or in this region. We still have things like human trafficking. And we still have terrible abuse of children. And there are conflicts. And so '''these are things that we’re going to have to tackle and deal with. But you should know that with each successive generation things have improved just a little bit. And over time, that little bit adds to a lot. And it’s now up to you, the next generation, to make sure that 20 years from now, or 30 years from now, people look back and say, wow, things are a lot better now than they were back then. And there will still be problems 20 or 30 years from now also. But they will be different problems, because you will have solved many of the problems that exist today.''' ==== 25th Anniversary of Polish Freedom Day Speech (June 2014) ==== [[File:Goddess of Democracy profile HK 20100604.jpg|thumb|Democracy is more than just elections. True democracy, real prosperity, lasting security -- these are neither simply given, nor imposed from the outside. They must be earned and built from within.]] [[File:Genius of Liberty on top of the Soldier's National Monument, Gettyburg.jpg|thumb|The blessings of liberty must be earned and renewed by every generation -- including our own.]] [[File:Strajk w stoczni szczecinskiej 1980.jpg|thumb|There is no change without risk, and no progress without sacrifice, and no freedom without solidarity.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/06/04/remarks-president-obama-25th-anniversary-freedom-day-warsaw-poland Remarks by President Obama at 25th Anniversary of Polsih Freedom Day delivered on June 4, 2014 at Castle Square, Warsaw, Poland]</small> * Poland reminds us that '''sometimes the smallest steps, however imperfect, can ultimately tear down walls, can ultimately transform the world.''' * For '''democracy is more than just elections. True democracy, real prosperity, lasting security -- these are neither simply given, nor imposed from the outside. They must be earned and built from within.''' They must be earned and built from within. And in that age-old contest of ideas -- between freedom and authoritarianism, between liberty and oppression, between solidarity and intolerance -- Poland’s progress shows the enduring strength of the ideals that we cherish as a free people. Here we see the strength of democracy: Citizens raising their voices, free from fear. Here we see political parties competing in open and honest elections. Here we see an independent judiciary working to uphold the rule of law. Here in Poland we see a vibrant press and a growing civil society that holds leaders accountable -- because '''governments exist to lift up their people, not to hold them down.''' * Poland understands as few other nations do that '''every nation must be free to chart its own course, to forge its own partnerships, to choose its own allies.''' * It’s a wonderful story, but the story of this nation reminds us that '''freedom is not guaranteed. And history cautions us to never take progress for granted.''' On [[w:Polish legislative election, 1989|the same day 25 years ago that Poles were voting here]], [[w:Tiananmen Square protests of 1989#Night_of_June_3_to_morning_of_June_4|tanks were crushing peaceful democracy protests in Tiananmen Square]] on the other side of the world. '''The blessings of liberty must be earned and renewed by every generation -- including our own.''' * Our '''democracies must be defined not by what or who we’re against, but by a politics of inclusion and tolerance that welcomes all our citizens.''' Our economies must deliver a broader prosperity that creates more opportunity -- across Europe and across the world -- especially for young people. '''Leaders must uphold the public trust and stand against corruption, not steal from the pockets of their own people.''' Our '''societies must embrace a greater justice that recognizes the inherent dignity of every human being.''' And as we’ve been reminded by [[w:2014 Russian military intervention in Ukraine|Russia’s aggression in Ukraine]], our '''free nations cannot be complacent in pursuit of the vision we share -- a Europe that is whole and free and at peace. We have to work for that. We have to stand with those who seek freedom.''' * We stand together because we believe that '''people and nations have the right to determine their own destiny.''' And that includes the people of Ukraine. [[w:Euromaidan|Robbed by a corrupt regime, Ukrainians demanded a government that served them.]] [[w:Euromaidan February riots|Beaten and bloodied]], [[w:2014 Ukrainian revolution|they refused to yield]]. [[w:Ukrainian presidential election, 2014|Threatened and harassed, they lined up to vote; they elected a new President in a free election]] -- because '''a leader’s legitimacy can only come from the consent of the people.''' * We stand together because we believe that '''upholding peace and security is the responsibility of every nation. The days of empire and spheres of influence are over. Bigger nations must not be allowed to bully the small, or impose their will at the barrel of a gun or with masked men taking over buildings. [[w:Annexation of Crimea by the Russian Federation#Accession_treaty_and_immediate_aftermath|And the stroke of a pen can never legitimize the theft of a neighbor’s land.]]''' So we will not accept [[w:Annexation of Crimea by the Russian Federation|Russia’s occupation of Crimea]] or [[w:2014 Russian military intervention in Ukraine|its violation of Ukraine’s sovereignty]]. Our free nations will stand united so that further [[w:2014 pro-Russian conflict in Ukraine|Russian provocations]] will only mean more isolation and costs for Russia. Because '''after investing so much blood and treasure to bring Europe together, how can we allow the dark tactics of the 20th century to define this new century?''' * Thank you, Poland -- thank you for your courage. Thank you for reminding the world that '''no matter how brutal the crackdown, no matter how long the night, the yearning for liberty and dignity does not fade away. It will never go away.''' Thank you, Poland, for your iron will and for showing that, yes, '''ordinary citizens can grab the reins of history''', and that '''freedom will prevail -- because, in the end, tanks and troops are no match for the force of our ideals.''' * '''There is no change without risk, and no progress without sacrifice, and no freedom without solidarity.''' ==== Remarks to the People of Estonia (September 2014) ==== [[File:The County Election, Bingham, 1846.jpg|thumb|We’re not afraid of free and fair elections, because true legitimacy can only come from one source -- and that is the people.]] [[File:An audience member records video as President Barack Obama delivers remarks before presenting a Medal of Honor to U.S. Army Staff Sgt. Ty Michael Carter during a ceremony at the White House in Washington, D.C 130826-A-AJ780-002.jpg|thumb|We have to uphold a free press and freedom of speech -- because, in the end, lies and misinformation are no match for the truth.]] [[File:ArchivesRotunda.jpg|thumb|The more countries are free and strong, and free from intimidation, the more secure our own liberties are.]] [[File:Barack Obama talks with Angela Tennison on Hallowe'en 2013.jpg|thumb|Do not lose the idealism and optimism that is the root of all great change. Don’t ever lose the faith that says, if we want it, if we are willing to work for it, if we stand together, the future can be different; tomorrow can be better.]] [[File:BaltskýŘetěz.jpg|thumb|And so long as free peoples summon the confidence and the courage and the will to defend the values that we cherish, then freedom will always be stronger and our ideas will always prevail no matter what.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/photos-and-video/video/2014/09/03/president-obama-addresses-people-estonia#transcript Remarks by President Obama to the People of Estonia i.e. students, young professionals, civil leaders, and the people of Estonia at the Nordea Concert Hall in Tallinn, Estonia] [http://www.whitehouse.gov/blog/2014/09/03/we-are-stronger-because-we-are-democracies-president-obama-addresses-people-estonia on September 3, 2014 ]</small> * But the people of the Baltic nations also knew that '''freedom needs a foundation of security.''' * Your experience cautions that '''progress is neither easy nor quick.''' * '''We’re stronger because we’re democracies. We’re not afraid of free and fair elections, because true legitimacy can only come from one source -- and that is the people. We’re not afraid of an independent judiciary, because no one is above the law. We’re not afraid of a free press or vibrant debate or a strong civil society, because leaders must be held accountable. We’re not afraid to let our young people go online to learn and discover and organize, because we know that countries are more successful when citizens are free to think for themselves.''' * Because of the work of generations, because we’ve stood together in a great alliance, because people across this continent have forged a European Union dedicated to cooperation and peace, we have made historic progress toward the vision we share -- a Europe that is whole and free and at peace. And yet, as we gather here today, we know that this vision is threatened by [[w:2014 Russian military intervention in Ukraine|Russia’s aggression against Ukraine]]. It is a brazen assault on the territorial integrity of Ukraine -- a sovereign and independent European nation. It challenges that '''most basic of principles of our international system''' -- that '''[[w:Annexation of Crimea by the Russian Federation|borders cannot be redrawn at the barrel of a gun]]'''; that '''nations have the right to determine their own future'''. It undermines '''an international order where the rights of peoples and nations are upheld and can’t simply be taken away by brute force.''' * And even as we meet conventional threats, '''we need to face other challenges. And that includes propaganda campaigns that try to whip up fears and divide people from one another. We reject the idea that people cannot live and thrive together, just because they have different backgrounds or speak a different language. And the best antidotes to such distorted thinking are the values that define us.''' Not just in the Baltics, but throughout Europe, '''we must acknowledge the inherent dignity and human rights of every person -- because our democracies cannot truly succeed until we root out bias and prejudice, both from our institutions and from our hearts. We have to uphold a free press and freedom of speech -- because, in the end, lies and misinformation are no match for the truth. We have to embrace open and inclusive societies -- because our countries are more successful and more prosperous when we welcome the talents of all our people, including minorities.''' That’s part of the work that we must do. That's the example we must set. * And this brings me to the final area where our nations have to come together -- in our steadfast support for those who reach for their freedom. And, yes, that includes the people of Ukraine. And few understand this better than the Baltic peoples. You know from bitter experience that '''we can never take our security and liberties for granted.''' We want Ukrainians to be independent and strong and able to make their own choices free from fear and intimidation, because '''the more countries are free and strong, and free from intimidation, the more secure our own liberties are.''' * In the face of violence that seems intractable and suffering that is so senseless, it is easy to grow cynical, and I think tempting to give in to the notion that peace and security may be beyond our grasp. But I say to all of you here today, especially the young people, do not give into that cynicism. Do not lose the idealism and optimism that is the root of all great change. Don’t ever lose the faith that says, if we want it, if we are willing to work for it, if we stand together, the future can be different; tomorrow can be better. * '''Yes, there will be setbacks and there will be frustrations, and there will be moments of doubt and moments of despair. The currents of history ebb and flow, but over time they flow toward freedom -- more people, in every corner of the Earth, standing up and reaching to claim those rights that are universal. And that’s why, in the end, our ideals are stronger. And that’s why, in the end, our ideals will win.''' * '''[[Dignity]] will win -- because every human being is born equal, with free will and inalienable rights. And any regime or system of government that tries to deny these rights will ultimately fail and countries that uphold them will only grow stronger.''' * '''[[Justice]] will win -- because might does not make right, and the only path to lasting peace is when people know that their dignity will be respected and that their rights will be upheld. And citizens, like nations, will never settle for a world where the big are allowed to bully the small. Sooner or later, they fight back.''' * '''[[Democracy]] will win -- because a government’s legitimacy can only come from citizens; because in this age of information and empowerment, people want more control over their lives, not less; and because, more than any other form of government ever devised, only democracy, rooted in the sanctity of the individual, can deliver real progress.''' * And '''[[Freedom|freedom]] will win''' -- not because it’s inevitable, not because it is ordained, but '''because these basic human yearnings for dignity and justice and democracy do not go away. They can be suppressed. At times, they can be silenced, but they burn in every human heart in a place where no regime could ever reach, a light that no army can ever extinguish. And so long as free peoples summon the confidence and the courage and the will to defend the values that we cherish, then freedom will always be stronger and our ideas will always prevail no matter what.''' ==== Statement on ISIL (September 2014) ==== [[File:Kyle White Arrival.jpg|thumb|This is a core principle of my presidency: If you threaten America, you will find no safe haven.]] [[File:2011 State of the Union.jpg|thumb|We are strongest as a nation when the President and Congress work together.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/09/10/remarks-president-barack-obama-address-nation Statement by the President on the] [http://www.whitehouse.gov/blog/2014/09/10/president-obama-we-will-degrade-and-ultimately-destroy-isil Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL)] at the State Hall of the White House in Washington, D.C. on September 10, 2014</small> * I have made it clear that '''we will hunt down terrorists who threaten our country, wherever they are. That means I will not hesitate to take action''' against ISIL in Syria, as well as Iraq. '''This is a core principle of my presidency: If you threaten America, you will find no safe haven.''' * So this is our strategy. And in each of these four parts of our strategy, America will be joined by a broad coalition of partners. Already, allies are flying planes with us over Iraq; sending arms and assistance to Iraqi security forces and the Syrian opposition; sharing intelligence; and providing billions of dollars in humanitarian aid. [[John Kerry|Secretary Kerry]] was in Iraq today meeting with the new government and supporting their efforts to promote unity. And in the coming days he will travel across the Middle East and Europe to enlist more partners in this fight, especially Arab nations who can help mobilize Sunni communities in Iraq and Syria, to drive these terrorists from their lands. '''This is American leadership at its best: We stand with people who fight for their own freedom, and we rally other nations on behalf of our common security and common humanity.''' * My administration has also secured bipartisan support for this approach here at home. I have the authority to address the threat from ISIL, but I believe '''we are strongest as a nation when the President and Congress work together.''' So I welcome congressional support for this effort in order to show the world that Americans are united in confronting this danger. * '''Now, it will take time to eradicate a cancer like ISIL.''' And any time we take military action, there are risks involved –- especially to the servicemen and women who carry out these missions. But I want the American people to understand how this effort will be different from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. It will not involve American combat troops fighting on foreign soil. '''This counterterrorism campaign will be waged through a steady, relentless effort to take out ISIL wherever they exist, using our air power and our support for partner forces on the ground. This strategy of taking out terrorists who threaten us, while supporting partners on the front lines, is one that we have successfully pursued in Yemen and Somalia for years. And it is consistent with the approach I outlined earlier this year''': '''to use force against anyone who threatens America’s core interests, but to mobilize partners wherever possible to address broader challenges to international order.''' * '''Despite all the divisions and discord within our democracy, I see the grit and determination and common goodness of the American people every single day –- and that makes me more confident than ever about our country’s future.''' * '''America, our endless blessings bestow an enduring burden. But as Americans, we welcome our responsibility to lead.''' From Europe to Asia, from the far reaches of Africa to war-torn capitals of the Middle East, '''we stand for freedom, for justice, for dignity. These are values that have guided our nation since its founding. Tonight, I ask for your support in carrying that leadership forward.''' I do so as a Commander-in-Chief who could not be prouder of our men and women in uniform –- pilots who bravely fly in the face of danger above the Middle East, and servicemembers who support our partners on the ground. [...] And '''our own safety, our own security, depends upon our willingness to do what it takes to defend this nation and uphold the values that we stand for –- timeless ideals that will endure long after those who offer only hate and destruction have been vanquished from the Earth.''' ==== Remarks at Clinton Global Initiative (September 2014) ==== [[File:D-Day 70 COLLEVILLE-SUR-MER.jpg|thumb|The most important title is citizen. It is citizens -- ordinary men and women, determined to forge their own future -- who throughout history have sparked all the great change and progress.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/09/23/remarks-president-clinton-global-initiative Remarks by the President at Clinton Global Initiative] in New York City, New York on September 23, 2014</small> * As we do every time this year, Presidents and Prime Ministers converge on this great city to advance important work. But as leaders, we are not the most important people here today. It is the civil society leaders who, in many ways, are going to have the more lasting impact, because as the saying goes, '''the most important title is not president or prime minister; the most important title is citizen. It is citizens -- ordinary men and women, determined to forge their own future -- who throughout history have sparked all the great change and progress.''' * These '''citizens remind us why civil society is so essential. When people are free to speak their minds and hold their leaders accountable, governments are more responsive and more effective. When entrepreneurs are free to create and develop new ideas, then economies are more innovative, and attract more trade and investment, and ultimately become more prosperous. When communities, including minorities, are free to live and pray and love as they choose; when nations uphold the rights of all their people -— including, perhaps especially, women and girls -— then those countries are more likely to thrive. If you want strong, successful countries, you need strong, vibrant civil societies. When citizens are free to organize and work together across borders to make our communities healthier, our environment cleaner, and our world safer, that's when real change comes.''' ==== Address to the United Nations (September 2014) ==== [[File:Chinadialogue speaking CK-0038.jpg|thumb|No external power can bring about a transformation of hearts and minds.]] [[File:United Nations Building 3.jpg|thumb|Peace is not merely the absence of war, but the presence of a better life.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/09/24/remarks-president-obama-address-united-nations-general-assembly Remarks by President Obama in Address to the United Nations General Assembly on September 24, 2014 in the United Nations General Assembly Hall, New York City, New York, USA.]</small> * '''We choose hope over fear. We see the future not as something out of our control, but as something we can shape for the better through concerted and collective effort. We reject fatalism or cynicism when it comes to human affairs. We choose to work for the world as it should be, as our children deserve it to be.''' * And we call upon others to join us on the right side of history -- for '''while small gains can be won at the barrel of a gun, they will ultimately be turned back if enough voices support the freedom of nations and peoples to make their own decisions.''' * '''If the world acts together, we can make sure that all of our children enjoy lives of opportunity and dignity.''' * I have made it clear that America will not base our entire foreign policy on reacting to terrorism. Instead, '''we’ve waged a focused campaign against [[al Qaeda]] and its associated forces — taking out their leaders, denying them the safe havens they rely on.''' At the same time, '''we have reaffirmed again and again that the United States is not and never will be at war with [[Islam]]. Islam teaches [[peace]].''' Muslims the world over aspire to live with dignity and a sense of justice. And when it comes to America and Islam, there is no us and them, there is only us — because millions of Muslim Americans are part of the fabric of our country. <br /> So we reject any suggestion of a clash of civilizations. '''Belief in permanent religious war is the misguided refuge of extremists who cannot build or create anything, and therefore peddle only [[fanaticism]] and [[hate]].''' And it is no exaggeration to say that '''humanity’s future depends on us uniting against those who would divide us along the fault lines of tribe or sect, race or religion.''' * Those who continue to fight for a hateful cause will find they are increasingly alone. For we will not succumb to threats, and we will demonstrate that '''the [[future]] belongs to those who build — not those who destroy.''' * You have demonstrated that '''when young people have the tools to succeed -- good schools, education in math and science, an economy that nurtures creativity and entrepreneurship -- then societies will flourish.[...] Where women are full participants in a country’s politics or economy, societies are more likely to succeed. [...] If young people live in places where the only option is between the dictates of a state, or the lure of an extremist underground, then no counterterrorism strategy can succeed. But where a genuine civil society is allowed to flourish -- where people can express their views, and organize peacefully for a better life -- then you dramatically expand the alternatives to terror.''' * Now, ultimately, '''the task of rejecting sectarianism and rejecting extremism is a generational task''' -- and a task for the people of the Middle East themselves. '''No external power can bring about a transformation of hearts and minds.''' But America will be a respectful and constructive partner. We will neither tolerate terrorist safe havens, nor act as an occupying power. We will take action against threats to our security and our allies, while building an architecture of counterterrorism cooperation. We will increase efforts to lift up those who counter extremist ideologies and who seek to resolve sectarian conflict. And we will expand our '''programs to support entrepreneurship and civil society, education and youth -- because, ultimately, these investments are the best antidote to violence.''' * So this is what America is prepared to do: Taking action against immediate threats, while pursuing a world in which the need for such action is diminished. The United States will never shy away from defending our interests, but we will also not shy away from the promise of this institution and its Universal Declaration of Human Rights -- the notion that '''peace is not merely the absence of war, but the presence of a better life.''' ==== Young Southeast Asian Leaders Initiative Town Hall Speech (November 2014) ==== [[File:Goddess of Democracy profile HK 20100604.jpg|thumb|Securing the gains of freedom and democracy requires good faith and strength of will, and tolerance and respect for diversity, and it requires vigilance from all citizens.]] [[File:Minute Man Statue Lexington Massachusetts cropped.jpg|thumb| Rights and freedoms are not given; they have to be won through struggle and through discipline, and persistence and faith. And it’s often young people who have led these struggles.]] [[File:Ripa dignity allegory.jpg|thumb|Human dignity is not just a universal aspiration, but a human right.]] [[File:West Hartford, Connecticut health care reform town hall meeting, 2009-09-02.jpg|thumb|In whatever circle of influence you have, speak out on behalf of tolerance and diversity and respect. If you are quiet, then the people who are intolerant, they’ll own the stage and they’ll set the terms of the debate. And one of the things that leadership requires is saying things even when it’s uncomfortable, even when it’s unpopular -- especially when it’s unpopular.]] [[File:Ballet-Ballerinas-1928.jpg|thumb|Societies that are most successful also treat their women and girls with respect. Otherwise, they won’t be successful.]] [[File:New york times square-terabass.jpg|thumb|It is important for a democracy that people's identities are also a national identity. [...] If people think in terms of ethnic identity before national identity, then I think over time the country will start breaking apart and democracy will not work. So there has to be a sense of common purpose.[...] both the majority and the minority, the powerful and the powerless, also have to have a sense of national identity in order to be successful.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/11/14/remarks-president-obama-young-southeast-asian-leaders-initiative-town-ha Remarks by President Obama at Young Southeast Asian Leaders Initiative Town Hall delivered on November 14, 2014 at Yangon University, Rangoon, Burma]</small> * Whenever I travel the world, from Europe to Africa, South America to Southeast Asia, o'''ne of the things I most enjoy doing is meeting young men and women like you'''. It’s more fun than being in a conference room. And it’s also more important -- '''because you are the young leaders who will determine the future of this country and this region.''' So I’m going to keep my remarks short at the top, because I want to take as many questions and comments from you. * So '''progress is not inevitable. History does not always march forward. History can travel sideways and sometimes backwards. Building trust after years of conflict takes time. Being able to look past the scars of violence takes courage. Securing the gains of freedom and democracy requires good faith and strength of will, and tolerance and respect for diversity, and it requires vigilance from all citizens.''' The American people know well that '''rights and freedoms are not given; they have to be won through struggle and through discipline, and persistence and faith. And it’s often young people who have led these struggles'''; who have compelled us to slowly but surely perfect our own union in America over time. * We see young leaders who embrace the diversity of this region not as a weakness, but as a strength, and who realize that even '''though we are all individually different and come from different traditions and different communities, we're stronger when we work together.''' * So '''the future of this region, your region, is not going to be determined by dictators or by armies, it's going to be determined by entrepreneurs and inventors and dreamers and people who are doing things in the community. And you're going to be the leaders who make that happen. Your generation has greater potential to shape society than any generation that's come before because you have the power to get knowledge from everywhere, and you have more sophistication and experiences than your parents or your grandparents. And you have now the chance to share knowledge and experiences with other young people all across this region and around the world. And that wasn't true 20 years ago or 50 years ago.''' * You have the power to remind us all that '''human dignity is not just a universal aspiration, but a human right.''' * '''There is no example of a country that is successful if its people are divided based on religion or ethnicity.''' If you look at the Middle East right now and the chaos that’s taking place in a place like [[w:Syria Civil War|Syria]], so much of that is based on religious differences. Even though they’re all Muslim, Shia and Sunni are fighting each other. If you look in Northern Ireland, then Catholics and Protestants fought for decades and only now have arrived at peace. So in this globalized world where people of different faiths and cultures and races are going to meet each other inevitably -- because nobody just lives in a village anymore; people are constantly getting information from different places and new ideas and meeting people who are different from them –- '''it is critical for any country to abide by the basic principle that all people are equal, all people are deserving of respect, all people are equal under the law, all people can participate in the life of their country, all people should be able to express their views without fear of being repressed. And those attitudes start with each of us individually. It’s important that government play a role in making sure that it applies laws fairly, not arbitrarily, not on the basis of preferring one group over another.''' * But what’s also true is that '''each of us have to cultivate an attitude of tolerance and mutual respect. And for young people, we have to try to encourage each other to be tolerant and respectful.''' So in the United States, obviously one of the biggest problems historically has been the issue of racial discrimination. And part of our efforts to overcome racial discrimination involve passing laws like the Civil Rights Law and the Voting Rights Law, and that required [[w:African-American Civil Rights Movement (1954–68)|marches and protests]] and [[Martin Luther King, Jr.|Dr. King]]. But part of the effort was also people changing the hearts and minds, and realizing that just because somebody doesn’t look like me doesn’t mean that they’re not worthy of respect. And when you’re growing up and you saw a friend of yours call somebody by a derogatory name, a rude name because they were different, it’s your job to say to that person, actually, that’s not the right way to think. If you are Christian and you have a friend who says I hate Muslims, then it’s up to you to say to that friend, you know what, I don’t believe in that; I think that’s the wrong attitude, I think we have to be respectful of the Muslim population. If you’re Buddhist and you say -- you hear somebody in your group say I want to treat a Hindu differently, it’s your job to speak out. So '''the most important thing I think is for you to, in whatever circle of influence you have, speak out on behalf of tolerance and diversity and respect. If you are quiet, then the people who are intolerant, they’ll own the stage and they’ll set the terms of the debate. And one of the things that leadership requires is saying things even when it’s uncomfortable, even when it’s unpopular -- especially when it’s unpopular. So I hope that as you get more influence, you’ll continue to speak out on behalf of these values.''' * Okay, I’m going to go –- now, the one thing I’m going to do is I’m going to go boy, girl, boy, girl to make sure that it’s fair, because one thing I didn’t say in my initial speech is '''societies that are most successful also treat their women and girls with respect. Otherwise, they won’t be successful.''' * '''I’m very proud of the United States. I believe that the United States is a force for good around the world. But I wouldn’t be a good President if I don’t listen to criticism of our policies and stay open to what other countries say about us.''' Sometimes I think those criticisms are unfair. Sometimes I think people like to complain about the United States because we’re doing too much. Sometimes they complain because they’re doing too little. Every problem around the world, why isn’t the United States doing something about it. Sometimes there are countries that don’t take responsibility for themselves and they want us to fix it. And then when we do try to fix it, they say why are you meddling in our affairs. Yes, it’s kind of frustrating sometimes. But the fact that we are getting these criticisms means that we’re constantly thinking, okay, is this how we should apply this policy? '''Are we doing the right thing when we provide aid to a country, but the country is still ruled by a small elite and maybe it’s not getting down to the people? Are we doing the right thing when we engage in training a military to become more professional, but maybe the military is still engaging in repressive activity? If we’re not open to those criticisms, then we won’t get better, we won’t improve.''' * But my understanding is there are many villages you go to where there’s really no schools, as a practical matter, and many of the schools still teach just how to memorize certain things rather than how to think critically about problems. And '''every country''' at this point, '''if it wants to succeed, needs to put in place free, compulsory education for its young people -- because they just can’t succeed unless they have some basic skills. They have to be able to read. They have to be able to do mathematics. They have to have some familiarity with computers. They have to be able to understand basic principles of science. If you don’t have those basic tools, then it’s very hard to find a decent job in today’s economy.''' * But what I said to the civil society groups is, yes, '''it is important to protect specific ethnic groups from discrimination. And it is natural in a democracy that ethnic groups organize among themselves to be heard in the halls of power.''' So in the United States, for example, as its democracy developed, the Irish in big cities, they came together and they built organizations, and they were able to promote the interests of Irish Americans. And African Americans, when they were seeking their freedom, you had organizations like the NAACP that promoted the interests of African Americans. So '''there's nothing wrong with groups organizing around ethnic identity, or around economic interests, or around regional concerns. That's how a democracy naturally works. You get with people who agree with you or who are like you to make sure that your concerns are heard. But''' what I said is that '''it is important for a democracy that people's identities are also a national identity.''' If you walk down the streets of New York City, you will see people looking more different than this group right here. You'll see blue-eyed, blonde people. You'll see dark-skinned, black people. You'll see Asians. You'll see Muslims. You'll see -- but if you ask any of those people, “What are you?” -- I'm American. Now I may be an African American or an Asian American or an Irish American, but the first thing I'll say is, I'm an American. And '''if you don't have that sense of national unity, then it's very hard for a country to succeed''' -- particularly a small country like Myanmar. '''If people think in terms of ethnic identity before national identity, then I think over time the country will start breaking apart and democracy will not work. So there has to be a sense of common purpose. But that's not an excuse then for majority groups to say, don’t complain, to ethnic minorities -- because the ethnic minorities may have some real complaints. And part of what is important for the majority groups to do -- if, in fact, you have a national identity, that means that you've got to be concerned with a minority also because it reflects badly on your country if somebody from a minority group is not being treated fairly.''' America could not live up to its potential until it treated its black citizens fairly. That's just a fact, that that was a stain on America when an entire group of people couldn't vote, or didn't have legal protections. Because it made all [[United States Declarations of Independence|the Declarations of Independence and Constitution and rule of law, it made that seem like an illusion. And so when the Civil Rights Movement happened in the United States, that wasn't just a victory for African Americans, that was a victory for America because what it showed was that the whole country was going to be concerned about everybody, not just about some people. And it was a victory for America's national identity that it was treating minorities fairly. And that's I think how every country in ASEAN, including Myanmar, needs to think about these problems. '''You need to respect people's differences. You need to be attentive to the grievances of minorities that may be discriminated against. But both the majority and the minority, the powerful and the powerless, also have to have a sense of national identity in order to be successful.''' * But I also think that from what I've heard, one of the reforms that will need to take place in universities here is to make sure that in all the departments there is the ability for universities and students to shape curriculums and to have access to information from everywhere around the world, and that it's not just a narrow process of indoctrination. Because '''the best universities are ones that teach you how to think not what to think''', right? '''A good education is not just knowing facts, although you need to know facts. You need to know that two plus two is four; it's not five. That's an important fact. But you also need to know how to ask questions, and how to critically analyze a problem, and how to be able to distinguish between fact and opinion, and how to compare two different ideas.''' * And this is probably a good place for me to end by just saying that the issue of climate change is a perfect example of why young people have to lead. Because '''old people, they've created a mess, and then they'll be gone. And then you''' -- (applause) -- '''you're the ones who have to deal with it. And also what happens is old people get set in their ways. So the older you get, the more likely you are to say, that's how it's always been so that's how I'm going to keep on doing it -- even if there's a better way to do things. Young people, they're asking, well, why do I have to do it that way? Let's try it this way. And that kind of willingness to accept challenges and try things in a new way, to not be stuck in the past, or to look towards the future, that's what all of you represent.''' ==== Queensland University Address (November 2014) ==== [[File:President Obama visits the Vaccine Research Center.jpg|thumb|Dignity begins with the most basic of needs -- a life free of hunger and disease and want.]] [[File:President Obama delivers remarks on India and America at the Siri Fort Auditorium in New Delhi (2).jpg|thumb|Combating climate change cannot be the work of governments alone. Citizens, especially the next generation, you have to keep raising your voices, because you deserve to live your lives in a world that is cleaner and that is healthier and that is sustainable. But that is not going to happen unless you are heard.]] [[File:President Obama greets the crowd following his speech on India and America at the Siri Fort Auditorium.jpg|thumb|You have the power to imagine a new future in a way that some of the older folks don’t always have.]] [[File:President Obama receives an update on Affordable Care Act, April 2014..jpg|thumb|The best measure of whether a nation is going to be successful is whether they are tapping the talents of their women and treating them as full participants in politics and society and the econ.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/11/15/remarks-president-obama-university-queensland Remarks by President Obama at the University of Queensland at the University of Queensland in Brisbane, Australia (November 15, 2014)]</small> * And we believe in democracy -- that '''the only real source of legitimacy is the consent of the people'''; that '''every individual is born equal with fundamental rights, inalienable rights''', and that '''it is the responsibility of governments to uphold these rights.''' * '''We do not benefit from a relationship''' with China or any other country '''in which we put our values and our ideals aside. And for the young people, practicality is a good thing. There are times where compromise is necessary. That’s part of wisdom. But it’s also important to hang on to what you believe -- to know what you believe and then be willing to stand up for it. And what’s true for individuals is also true for countries.''' * As we develop, as we focus on our econ, '''we cannot forget the need to lead on the global fight against climate change.''' [...] Here in the Asia Pacific, nobody has more at stake when it comes to thinking about and then acting on climate change. Here, a climate that increases in temperature will mean more extreme and frequent storms, more flooding, rising seas that submerge Pacific islands. Here in Australia, it means longer droughts, more wildfires. The incredible natural glory of the Great Barrier Reef is threated. Worldwide, this past summer was the hottest on record. '''No nation is immune, and every nation has a responsibility to do its part.''' [...] We are mindful of the great work that still has to be done on this issue. But let me say, particularly again to the young people here: '''Combating climate change cannot be the work of governments alone. Citizens, especially the next generation, you have to keep raising your voices, because you deserve to live your lives in a world that is cleaner and that is healthier and that is sustainable. But that is not going to happen unless you are heard. It is in the nature of things, it is in the nature of the world that those of us who start getting gray hair are a little set in our ways, that interests are entrenched''' -- not '''because''' people are bad people, '''it’s just that’s how we’ve been doing things. And we make investments, and companies start depending on certain energy sources, and change is uncomfortable and difficult. And that’s why it’s so important for the next generation to be able to step and say, no, it doesn’t have to be this way. You have the power to imagine a new future in a way that some of the older folks don’t always have.''' * '''America supports free and fair elections, because citizens must be free to choose their own leaders''' -- as in Thailand where we are urging a quick return to inclusive, civilian rule. '''We support freedom of assembly, and freedom of speech, and freedom of the press, a free and open Internet, strong civil societies, because the voices of the people must be heard and leaders must be held accountable -- even though it’s uncomfortable sometimes. [...] We support strong institutions and independent judiciaries and open government, because the rule of force must give way to the rule of law.''' And in that same fashion, the United States will continue to stand up for the inherent dignity of every human being. Now, '''dignity begins with the most basic of needs -- a life free of hunger and disease and want.''' * '''We’ll advance human dignity by standing up for the rights of minorities, because no one’s equality should ever be denied. We will stand up for freedom of religion -- the right of every person to practice their faith as they choose -- because we are all children of God, and we are all fallible. And the notion that we, as a majority, or the state should tell somebody else what to believe with respect to their faith, is against our basic values. We will stand up for our gay and lesbian fellow citizens, because they need to be treated equally under the law. We will stand up for the rights and futures of our wives and daughters and partners, because''' I believe that '''the best measure of whether a nation is going to be successful is whether they are tapping the talents of their women and treating them as full participants in politics and society and the econ.''' * '''It’s a partnership not just with nations, but with people, with you, for decades to come. Bound by the values we share, guided by the vision we seek, I am absolutely confident we can advance the security and the prosperity and the dignity of people across this region. And in pursuit of that future, you will have no greater friend than the United States of America.''' ==== Address to the Nation on Immigration (November 2014) ==== [[File:Barack Obama by Gage Skidmore 3.jpg|thumb|We are and always will be a nation of immigrants. We were strangers once, too. And whether our forebears were strangers who crossed the Atlantic, or the Pacific, or the Rio Grande, we are here only because this country welcomed them in, and taught them that to be an American is about something more than what we look like, or what our last names are, or how we worship. What makes us Americans is our shared commitment to an ideal -– that all of us are created equal, and all of us have the chance to make of our lives what we will. That’s the country our parents and grandparents and generations before them built for us. That’s the tradition we must uphold. That’s the legacy we must leave for those who are yet to come.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/11/20/remarks-president-address-nation-immigration Remarks by the President in Address to the Nation on Immigration at the Cross Hall of White Hous in Washington, D.C. (November 20, 2015)]</small> * I understand the disagreements held by many of you at home. Millions of us, myself included, go back generations in this country, with ancestors who put in the painstaking work to become citizens. So we don’t like the notion that anyone might get a free pass to American citizenship. I know '''some worry immigration will change the very fabric of who we are, or take our jobs, or stick it to middle-class families at a time when they already feel like they’ve gotten the raw deal for over a decade.''' I hear these concerns. But that’s not what these steps would do. '''Our history and the facts show that immigrants are a net plus for our economy and our society.''' And I believe it’s important that all of us have this debate without impugning each other’s character. * Because for all the back and forth of Washington, we have to remember that '''this debate is about something bigger. It’s about who we are as a country, and who we want to be for future generations. <br> Are we a nation that tolerates the hypocrisy of a system where workers who pick our fruit and make our beds never have a chance to get right with the law? Or are we a nation that gives them a chance to make amends, take responsibility, and give their kids a better future? <br> Are we a nation that accepts the cruelty of ripping children from their parents’ arms? Or are we a nation that values families, and works together to keep them together? <br> Are we a nation that educates the world’s best and brightest in our universities, only to send them home to create businesses in countries that compete against us? Or are we a nation that encourages them to stay and create jobs here, create businesses here, create industries right here in America? <br> That’s what this debate is all about. We need more than politics as usual when it comes to immigration. We need reasoned, thoughtful, compassionate debate that focuses on our hopes, not our fears.''' * Over the past few years, I have seen the determination of immigrant fathers who worked two or three jobs without taking a dime from the government, and at risk any moment of losing it all, just to build a better life for their kids. I’ve seen the heartbreak and anxiety of children whose mothers might be taken away from them just because they didn’t have the right papers. I’ve seen the courage of students who, except for the circumstances of their birth, are as American as Malia or Sasha; students who bravely come out as undocumented in hopes they could make a difference in the country they love. '''These people –- our neighbors, our classmates, our friends –- they did not come here in search of a free ride or an easy life. They came to work, and study, and serve in our military, and above all, contribute to America’s success.''' * '''Are we a nation that kicks out a striving, hopeful immigrant''' like Astrid, '''or are we a nation that finds a way to welcome her in? Scripture tells us that we shall not oppress a stranger, for we know the heart of a stranger –- we were strangers once, too.''' * My fellow Americans, '''we are and always will be a nation of immigrants. We were strangers once, too. And whether our forebears were strangers who crossed the Atlantic, or the Pacific, or the Rio Grande, we are here only because this country welcomed them in, and taught them that to be an American is about something more than what we look like, or what our last names are, or how we worship. What makes us Americans is our shared commitment to an ideal -– that all of us are created equal, and all of us have the chance to make of our lives what we will. That’s the country our parents and grandparents and generations before them built for us. That’s the tradition we must uphold. That’s the legacy we must leave for those who are yet to come.''' ==== Statement on Cuban policy (December 2014) ==== [[File:Bundesarchiv Bild 183-L0614-040, Berlin, Fidel Castro an der Grenze.jpg|thumb|Let us leave behind the legacy of both colonization and communism, the tyranny of drug cartels, dictators and sham elections. A future of greater peace, security and democratic development is possible if we work together -- not to maintain power, not to secure vested interest, but instead to advance the dreams of our citizens.]] [[File:Miami collage 20110330.jpg|thumb|Miami is often referred to as the capital of Latin America. But it is also a profoundly American city -– a place that reminds us that ideals matter more than the color of our skin, or the circumstances of our birth; a demonstration of what the Cuban people can achieve, and the openness of the United States to our family to the South.]] [[Image:Capitolio havana.jpg|thumb|Change is hard –- in our own lives, and in the lives of nations. And change is even harder when we carry the heavy weight of history on our shoulders. But today we are making these changes because it is the right thing to do. Today, America chooses to cut loose the shackles of the past so as to reach for a better future –- for the Cuban people, for the American people, for our entire hemisphere, and for the world.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/12/17/statement-president-cuba-policy-changes "Statement by the President on Cuba Policy Change" (17 December 2014)]</small> * '''Today, the United States of America is changing its relationship with the people of [[Cuba]]. <br /> In the most significant changes in our policy in more than fifty years, we will end an outdated approach that, for decades, has failed to advance our interests, and instead we will begin to normalize relations between our two countries.''' Through these changes, we intend to create more opportunities for the American and Cuban people, and begin a new chapter among the nations of the Americas. * Proudly, '''the United States has supported democracy and human rights in Cuba through these five decades. We have done so primarily through policies that aimed to isolate the island, preventing the most basic travel and commerce that Americans can enjoy anyplace else. And though this policy has been rooted in the best of intentions, no other nation joins us in imposing these sanctions, and it has had little effect beyond providing the Cuban government with a rationale for restrictions on its people. Today, Cuba is still governed by the Castros and the Communist Party that came to power half a century ago. Neither the American, nor Cuban people are well served by a rigid policy that is rooted in events that took place before most of us were born.''' Consider that for more than 35 years, we’ve had relations with China –- a far larger country also governed by a Communist Party. Nearly two decades ago, we reestablished relations with Vietnam, where we fought [[Vietnam War|a war]] that claimed more Americans than any [[Cold War]] confrontation. * While I have been prepared to take additional steps for some time, a major obstacle stood in our way –- the wrongful imprisonment, in Cuba, of a U.S. citizen and USAID sub-contractor [[w:Alan Gross|Alan Gross]] for five years. Over many months, my administration has held discussions with the Cuban government about Alan’s case, and other aspects of our relationship. His Holiness [[Pope Francis]] issued a personal appeal to me, and to Cuba’s President [[w:Raul Castro|Raul Castro]], urging us to resolve Alan’s case, and to address Cuba’s interest in the release of three Cuban agents who have been jailed in the United States for over 15 years. <br /> Today, Alan returned home –- reunited with his family at long last. Alan was released by the Cuban government on humanitarian grounds. '''Separately, in exchange for the three Cuban agents, Cuba today released one of the most important intelligence agents that the United States has ever had in Cuba, and who has been imprisoned for nearly two decades.''' This man, whose sacrifice has been known to only a few, provided America with the information that allowed us to arrest the network of Cuban agents that included the men transferred to Cuba today, as well as other spies in the United States. '''This man is now safely on our shores. <br /> Having recovered these two men who sacrificed for our country, I’m now taking steps to place the interests of the people of both countries at the heart of our policy.''' * I’ve instructed Secretary [[John Kerry|Kerry]] to immediately begin discussions with Cuba to '''reestablish diplomatic relations that have been severed since January of 1961. Going forward, the United States will reestablish an embassy in Havana, and high-ranking officials will visit Cuba. <br /> Where we can advance shared interests, we will — on issues like health, migration, counterterrorism, drug trafficking and disaster response. Indeed, we’ve seen the benefits of cooperation between our countries before. It was a Cuban, [[w:Carlos Finlay|Carlos Finlay]], who discovered that mosquitoes carry yellow fever; his work helped [[w:Walter Reed|Walter Reed]] fight it.''' Cuba has sent hundreds of health care workers to Africa to fight [[w:Ebola virus epidemic in West Africa|Ebola]], and I believe American and Cuban health care workers should work side by side to stop the spread of this deadly disease. Now, '''where we disagree, we will raise those differences directly -– as we will continue to do on issues related to democracy and human rights in Cuba. But I believe that we can do more to support the Cuban people and promote our values through engagement. After all, these 50 years have shown that isolation has not worked. It’s time for a new approach.''' * '''Nobody represents America’s values better than the American people, and I believe this contact will ultimately do more to empower the Cuban people.''' * '''I believe in the free flow of information. Unfortunately, our sanctions on Cuba have denied Cubans access to technology that has empowered individuals around the globe. So I’ve authorized increased telecommunications connections between the United States and Cuba. Businesses will be able to sell goods that enable Cubans to communicate with the United States and other countries.''' * '''I’m under no illusion about the continued barriers to freedom that remain for ordinary Cubans.''' The United States believes that no Cubans should face harassment or arrest or beatings simply because they’re exercising a universal right to have their voices heard, and we will continue to support civil society there. While Cuba has made reforms to gradually open up its economy, we continue to believe that Cuban workers should be free to form unions, just as their citizens should be free to participate in the political process. <br /> Moreover, given Cuba’s history, I expect it will continue to pursue foreign policies that will at times be sharply at odds with American interests. '''I do not expect the changes I am announcing today to bring about a transformation of Cuban society overnight. But I am convinced that through a policy of engagement, we can more effectively stand up for our values and help the Cuban people help themselves as they move into the 21st century.''' * '''To those who oppose the steps I’m announcing today, let me say that I respect your passion and share your commitment to liberty and democracy. The question is how we uphold that commitment. I do not believe we can keep doing the same thing for over five decades and expect a different result. Moreover, it does not serve America’s interests, or the Cuban people, to try to push Cuba toward collapse. Even if that worked — and it hasn’t for 50 years — we know from hard-earned experience that countries are more likely to enjoy lasting transformation if their people are not subjected to chaos. We are calling on Cuba to unleash the potential of 11 million Cubans by ending unnecessary restrictions on their political, social, and economic activities. In that spirit, we should not allow U.S. sanctions to add to the burden of Cuban citizens that we seek to help.''' * '''To the Cuban people, America extends a hand of friendship.''' Some of you have looked to us as a source of hope, and we will continue to shine a light of freedom. Others have seen us as a former colonizer intent on controlling your future. '''[[José Martí]] once said, “Liberty is the right of every man to be honest.” Today, I am being honest with you. We can never erase the history between us, but we believe that you should be empowered to live with dignity and self-determination. Cubans have a saying about daily life: “No es facil” –- it’s not easy. Today, the United States wants to be a partner in making the lives of ordinary Cubans a little bit easier, more free, more prosperous.''' <br /> To those who have supported these measures, I thank you for being partners in our efforts. '''In particular, I want to thank His Holiness [[Pope Francis]], whose moral example shows us the importance of pursuing the world as it should be, rather than simply settling for the world as it is'''; the government of [[Canada]], which hosted our discussions with the Cuban government; and a bipartisan group of congressmen who have worked tirelessly for Alan Gross’s release, and for a new approach to advancing our interests and values in Cuba. * '''Let us leave behind the legacy of both colonization and communism, the tyranny of drug cartels, dictators and sham elections. A future of greater peace, security and democratic development is possible if we work together -- not to maintain power, not to secure vested interest, but instead to advance the dreams of our citizens.''' * My fellow Americans, the city of Miami is only 200 miles or so from Havana. Countless thousands of Cubans have come to Miami -- on planes and makeshift rafts; some with little but the shirt on their back and hope in their hearts. Today, Miami is often referred to as the capital of Latin America. But it is also a profoundly American city -– a place that reminds us that '''ideals matter more than the color of our skin, or the circumstances of our birth'''; a demonstration of what the Cuban people can achieve, and the openness of the United States to our family to the South. Todos somos Americanos. * '''Change is hard –- in our own lives, and in the lives of nations. And change is even harder when we carry the heavy weight of history on our shoulders. But today we are making these changes because it is the right thing to do. Today, America chooses to cut loose the shackles of the past so as to reach for a better future –- for the Cuban people, for the American people, for our entire hemisphere, and for the world.''' === 2015 === [[File:Artists-impressions-of-Lady-Justice, (statue on the Old Bailey, London).png|thumb|Justice is not only the absence of oppression, it is the presence of opportunity.]] [[File:An audience member records video as President Barack Obama delivers remarks before presenting a Medal of Honor to U.S. Army Staff Sgt. Ty Michael Carter during a ceremony at the White House in Washington, D.C 130826-A-AJ780-002.jpg|thumb|A free press helps make a nation stronger and more successful, and it makes [...] leaders more effective because it demands greater accountability.]] [[File:EqualJusticeUnderLaw.jpg|thumb|I believe in the principle of treating people equally under the law, and that they are deserving of equal protection under the law and that the state should not discriminate against people based on their sexual orientation.]] [[File:JimCrowInDurhamNC.jpg|thumb|If you look at the history of countries around the world, when you start treating people differently -- not because of any harm they’re doing anybody, but because they’re different -- that’s the path whereby freedoms begin to erode and bad things happen. And when a government gets in the habit of treating people differently, those habits can spread.]] [[File:West Hartford, Connecticut health care reform town hall meeting, 2009-09-02.jpg|thumb|Democracy does not stop on Election Day. For a real democracy to work, and for a society to thrive and continually improve, it requires that people continue to participate. And there have to be laws in place to protect that space and facilitate people’s ability to participate.]] [[File:SF Soldier in Philippines.jpg|thumb|You can't just fight terrorism through military and the police. You also have to change people’s hearts and minds, and give them a sense that they’re included in the society and enlist them in assisting in fighting against terrorism.]] [[File:Apotheosis.jpg|thumb|The only certainty in war is human suffering, uncertain costs, unintended consequences.]] * It's time to close Gitmo. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/01/20/remarks-president-state-union-address-january-20-2015 Remarks by the President in State of the Union Address (January 20, 2015)] * It is entirely legitimate for the American people to be deeply concerned when you’ve got a bunch of violent, vicious zealots who behead people or '''randomly shoot a bunch of folks''' in a deli in Paris. ** As [http://www.vox.com/a/barack-obama-interview-vox-conversation/obama-foreign-policy-transcript reported] by Vox; [http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2015/feb/10/obama-outrages-by-calling-4-jewish-victims-of-pari/ "Obama outrages by calling 4 Jewish victims of Paris terror 'a bunch of folks' shot randomly", by Cheryl K. Chumley, ''The Washington Times'' (10 February 2015)] * No religion is responsible for terrorism — people are responsible for violence and terrorism. ** At the [http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2015/02/18/obama-white-house-summit-on-countering-violent-extremism-speech/23631625/ White House Summit on Countering Violent Extremism] (18 February 2015) * Today is a chance for Americans, especially our young people, to say thank you for all the things we love from Japan. Like karate and karaoke. Manga and anime. And, of course, emojis. ** As quoted in [http://comicbook.com/2015/04/29/president-barack-obama-thanks-japan-for-anime-and-manga/ Comicbook.com] (2015/04/29) * We do know that once again innocent people were killed in part because someone who wanted to inflict harm had no trouble getting their hands on a gun. ** [http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/post-politics/wp/2015/06/18/president-obama-calls-charleston-shooting-senseless-criticizes-gun-laws/ "President Obama calls Charleston shooting 'senseless,' criticizes gun laws"] by Jose A. DelReal and Juliet Eilperin, ''The Washington Post'' (18 June 2015) * Today is a big step in our march toward equality. Gay and lesbian couples now have the right to marry, just like anyone else. #LoveWins. ** [https://twitter.com/POTUS/status/614435467120001024 President Barack Obama on Twitter at June 26, 2015] * But the fall of Ramadi has galvanized the Iraqi government. So, with the additional steps I ordered last month, we’re speeding up training of ISIL forces, including volunteers from Sunni tribes in Anbar Province. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/07/06/remarks-president-progress-fight-against-isil Obama's White House speech, Later the White House corrected Obama's slip by replacling 'ISIL' by 'Iraqi'] *** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2NkjNvwuaU YouTube video] * What the marchers on Washington knew, what the marchers in Selma knew, what folks like Julian Bond knew, what the marchers in this room still know, is that '''justice is not only the absence of oppression, it is the presence of opportunity.''' Justice is giving every child a shot at a great education no matter what zip code they’re born into. Justice is giving everyone willing to work hard the chance at a good job with good wages, no matter what their name is, what their skin color is, where they live. '''Justice is living up to the common creed that says, I am my brother’s keeper and my sister’s keeper. Justice is making sure every young person knows they are special and they are important and that their lives matter -- not because they heard it in a hashtag, but because of the love they feel every single day not just love from their parents, not just love from their neighborhood, but love from police, love from politicians. Love from somebody who lives on the other side of the country, but says, that young person is still important to me. That’s what justice is.''' ** Remarks by the President at the NAACP Conference at Pennsylvania Convention Center in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (July 14, 2015) * We are joined today by inspiring entrepreneurs from more than 120 countries and many from across Africa. And all of you embody a spirit that we need to take on some of the biggest challenges that we face in the world -- '''the spirit of entrepreneurship, the idea that there are no limits to the human imagination; that ingenuity can overcome what is and create what needs to be.''' And everywhere I go, across the United States and around the world, I hear from people, but especially young people, who are ready to start something of their own -- '''to lift up people’s lives and shape their own destinies. And that’s entrepreneurship. Entrepreneurship creates new jobs and new businesses, new ways to deliver basic services, new ways of seeing the world -- it’s the spark of prosperity. It helps citizens stand up for their rights and push back against corruption. Entrepreneurship offers a positive alternative to the ideologies of violence and division that can all too often fill the void when young people don’t see a future for themselves. Entrepreneurship means ownership and self-determination, as opposed to simply being dependent on somebody else for your livelihood and your future. Entrepreneurship brings down barriers between communities and cultures and builds bridges that help us take on common challenges together. Because one thing that entrepreneurs understand is, is that you don't have to look a certain way, or be of a certain faith, or have a certain last name in order to have a good idea.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/07/25/remarks-president-obama-global-entrepreneurship-summit Remarks by President Obama at the Global Entrepreneurship Summit at United Nations Compound in Nairobi, Kenya (July 25, 2015)] * And as I’ve said elsewhere, '''a free press helps make a nation stronger and more successful, and it makes''' us '''leaders more effective because it demands greater accountability.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/07/25/remarks-president-obama-and-president-kenyatta-kenya-press-conference Remarks by President Obama and President Kenyatta of Kenya in a Press Conference at Kenyan State House in Nairobi, Kenya (July 25, 2015)] * '''I believe in the principle of treating people equally under the law, and that they are deserving of equal protection under the law and that the state should not discriminate against people based on their sexual orientation.''' And I say that, recognizing that there may be people who have different religious or cultural beliefs. But '''the issue is how does the state operate relative to people. If you look at the history of countries around the world, when you start treating people differently -- not because of any harm they’re doing anybody, but because they’re different -- that’s the path whereby freedoms begin to erode and bad things happen. And when a government gets in the habit of treating people differently, those habits can spread.''' And as an African-American in the United States, I am painfully aware of the history of what happens when people are treated differently, under the law, and there were all sorts of rationalizations that were provided by the power structure for decades in the United States for segregation and Jim Crow and slavery, and they were wrong. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/07/25/remarks-president-obama-and-president-kenyatta-kenya-press-conference Remarks by President Obama and President Kenyatta of Kenya in a Press Conference at Kenyan State House in Nairobi, Kenya] (July 25, 2015) * So '''I’m unequivocal on this. If somebody is a law-abiding citizen who is going about their business, and working in a job, an obeying the traffic signs and doing all the other things that good citizens are supposed to do, and not harming anybody -- the idea that they are going to be treated differently or abused because of who they love is wrong. Full stop. And the state does not need to weigh in on religious doctrine. The state just has to say we’re going to treat everybody equally under the law. And then everybody else can have their own opinions.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/07/25/remarks-president-obama-and-president-kenyatta-kenya-press-conference Remarks by President Obama and President Kenyatta of Kenya in a Press Conference at Kenyan State House in Nairobi, Kenya] (July 25, 2015) * And this is something that I emphasize wherever I go -- '''democracy does not stop on Election Day. For a real democracy to work, and for a society to thrive and continually improve, it requires that people continue to participate. And there have to be laws in place to protect that space and facilitate people’s ability to participate.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/07/26/remarks-president-obama-conversation-members-civil-society Remarks by President Obama in Conversation with Members of Civil Society at YALI Regional Leadership Center, Kenyatta University,Nairobi, Kenya] (July 26, 2015) * And '''one of the rules of good civil society''' I believe '''is that you’re respectful of the people who disagree with you. And that's part of what makes civil society work. If you can have civil disagreements, and you can listen to each other and not just shout, that's what creates an environment that leads to progress over the long term.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/07/26/remarks-president-obama-conversation-members-civil-society Remarks by President Obama in Conversation with Members of Civil Society at YALI Regional Leadership Center, Kenyatta University,Nairobi, Kenya] (July 26, 2015) ** But as I said in the press conference yesterday, one of the important lessons that we've learned is that '''you can't just fight terrorism through military and the police. You also have to change people’s hearts and minds, and give them a sense that they’re included in the society and enlist them in assisting in fighting against terrorism.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/07/26/remarks-president-obama-conversation-members-civil-society Remarks by President Obama in Conversation with Members of Civil Society at YALI Regional Leadership Center, Kenyatta University,Nairobi, Kenya] (July 26, 2015) * '''The only certainty in war is human suffering, uncertain costs, unintended consequences.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/08/05/remarks-president-iran-nuclear-deal Remarks by the President on the Iran Nuclear Deal at American University in Washington, D.C. (August 05, 2015)] * But how can we in good conscience justify war before we’ve tested a diplomatic agreement that achieves our objectives; that has been agreed to by Iran; that is supported by the rest of the world; and that preserves our options if the deal falls short? How could we justify that to our troops? How could we justify that to the world or to future generations? '''In the end, that should be a lesson that we’ve learned from over a decade of war. On the front end, ask tough questions. Subject our own assumptions to evidence and analysis. Resist the conventional wisdom and the drumbeat of war. Worry less about being labeled weak; worry more about getting it right.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/08/05/remarks-president-iran-nuclear-deal Remarks by the President on the Iran Nuclear Deal at American University in Washington, D.C. (August 05, 2015)] * Cool clock, [[w:Ahmed Mohamed (student)|Ahmed]]. Want to bring it to the White House? We should inspire more kids like you to like science. It's what makes America great. ** [https://twitter.com/POTUS/status/644193755814342656 President Barack Obama on Twitter at September 16, 2015] * I've said this before and I will keep repeating it -- '''one of the best indicators of whether a country will succeed is how it treats its women. When women have an education, when women have a job, their children are more likely to get an education, their families are healthier and more prosperous. Their communities and countries do better, as well. So every nation -- all of our nations -- must invest in the education and health and skills of our women and girls.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/09/27/remarks-president-sustainable-development-goals Remarks by the President on Sustainable Development Goals at United Nations General Assembly Hall in New York, New York (September 27, 2015)] * We're also increasing the number of Syrian and other refugees we admit to the U.S. to 100,000 per year for the next two years. ** [https://twitter.com/potus/status/648543139196743680 President Barack Obama on Twitter at September 28, 2015] * Most of the time I got a ticket, I deserved it. I knew why I was pulled over. But there were times when I didn’t. The data shows that this is not an aberration. It doesn’t mean each case is a problem. It means that when you aggregate all the cases and you look at it, you’ve gotta say that there’s some racial bias in the system. ** [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/obama-racial-profiling_us_562fde34e4b00aa54a4ba5f2 Obama Racial Profiling (10-27-2015)] * We’ve got to resist the false trap that says either there should be no accountability for police or that every police officer is suspect no matter what they do. * I refuse to accept the notion that we couldn’t have prevented some of those murders, and suicides, and kept more families whole. I know we won’t all agree on this issue. But it’s time to be honest — fewer gun safety laws don’t mean more freedom, they mean more fallen officers. They mean more grieving families, and more Americans terrified that they or their loved ones could be next. ** [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/obama-police-chiefs_us_562fa716e4b06317990f8af3?654mfgvi= Obama Police Chiefs (10-27-2015)] * Part of our job, together, is to work to reject such extremism that infects too many of our young people. Part of that effort must be a continued rejection by Muslims of those who distort Islam to preach intolerance and promote violence, and it must also a rejection by non-Muslims of the ignorance that equates Islam with terror. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/09/28/remarks-president-obama-united-nations-general-assembly Remarks by President Obama to the United Nations General Assembly] (September 28, 2015) * I don’t think they’re gaining strength, what is true is that from the start, our goal has been first to contain and we have contained them. They have not gained ground in Iraq, and in Syria, they’ll come in, they’ll leave. But you don’t see this systematic march by ISIL across the terrain. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xS3jady8bIc ABC News, when George Stephanopoulos suggested ISIL is gaining strength, hours before Paris attacks] (13 November 2015) * Once again, we've seen an outrageous attempt to terrorize innocent civilians. This is an attack not just on Paris, it's an attack not just on the people of France, but this is an attack on all of humanity and the universal values that we share. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/11/13/statement-president-situation-paris Statement by the President on the Situation in Paris] (November 13, 2015) * I don't want to speculate at this point in terms of who was responsible for this. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/11/13/statement-president-situation-paris Statement by the President on the Situation in Paris] (November 13, 2015) *The reason is not simply because of my opinion of him. It is because it is unimaginable that you can stop the civil war there when the overwhelming majority of people in Syria consider him to be a brutal, murderous dictator. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/11/19/remarks-president-obama-and-prime-minister-trudeau-canada-after Obama suggesting Bashar al-Assad must leave office to end the Syrian Civil War] (19 November 2015) * But I do believe that '''there are basic values that we all share.''' And '''one of those values is that countries work best when everybody has a voice that can be respected, and that the press is able to report on what is happening in current affairs, and people can organize politically peacefully to try to bring about change, and that there's transparency and accountability. And when you look at which countries have done best in terms of development, typically over time, those countries that have some accountability and some measure of personal freedom tend to do better. And those countries that don't, have more problems.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/11/20/remarks-president-yseali-town-hall Remarks by the President in YSEALI Town Hall at Taylor's University in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia (November 20, 2015)] * I think '''the most important thing for young people is that they're not trapped in the past. And human progress is driven by looking at a problem with fresh eyes, with new eyes. [...] And that's the power of young people, is asking why.'''  Little kids, they naturally do that, right? When you talk to a four-year-old or a five-year-old, six-year-old, you tell them to do something -- "Why?" "Why?" And sometimes, as parents, we try to say, "because I told you so." And we don't want to talk about it, right? But '''that impulse to ask why is actually what drives human progress. [...] Vision is important, but then you also have to have the persistence to keep working to make progress. And I always tell young people to have big dreams, but then also be willing to work for those dreams. It's not going to come right away.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/11/20/remarks-president-yseali-town-hall Remarks by the President in YSEALI Town Hall at Taylor's University in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia (November 20, 2015)] * And I think t'''he job of a leader is not to try to do everything yourself, but it's to try to organize people, each of whom have different talents and skills. Make sure that they are joined in a common vision about what needs to get done, but then go ahead and let them -- give them the tools so that they can do what they need to do.''' [...] Very few things, great things are done by yourself. Maybe if you're a Picasso or Mozart you can go off into a room and you can produce great things. '''But most great accomplishments, human accomplishments, they're done as a group. And you're job as a leader then, is to be able to assemble to bring together people in a common vision.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/11/20/remarks-president-yseali-town-hall Remarks by the President in YSEALI Town Hall at Taylor's University in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia (November 20, 2015)] * Next week, I will be joining President [[François Hollande|Hollande]] and world leaders in Paris for the global climate conference. What a powerful rebuke to the terrorists it will be when the world stands as one and shows that we will not be deterred from building a better future for our children. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/11/24/remarks-president-obama-and-president-hollande-france-joint-press Remarks by President Obama and President Hollande of France in Joint Press Conference] (November 24, 2015) * Turkey, like every country, has a right to defend its territory and its airspace. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/11/24/remarks-president-obama-and-president-hollande-france-joint-press Remarks by President Obama and President Hollande of France in Joint Press Conference] (November 24, 2015) * This [mass shootings] just doesn't happen in other countries. ** [http://www.mediaite.com/tv/obama-speaking-in-paris-mass-shootings-dont-happen-in-other-countries/ Obama Speaking in Paris: Mass Shootings 'Don't Happen in Other Countries'] by Alex Griswold, ''mediaite.com'' (1 December 2015) * OK, everybody, I got to get to ''[[Star Wars: The Force Awakens|Star Wars]]''. ** [http://thehill.com/blogs/in-the-know/in-the-know/263757-obama-cuts-off-press-conference-to-go-see-star-wars "Obama cuts off press conference to go see 'Star Wars'"], ''The Hill'' (18 December 2015) ==== State of the Union Address (January 2015) ==== [[File:President Obama delivers the State of the Union address Jan. 20, 2015.jpg|thumb|A better politics is one where we appeal to each other’s basic decency instead of our basest fears. A better politics is one where we debate without demonizing each other; where we talk issues and values, and principles and facts, rather than “gotcha” moments, or trivial gaffes, or fake controversies that have nothing to do with people’s daily lives.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/01/20/remarks-president-state-union-address-january-20-2015 Remarks by the President in State of the Union Address at U.S. Capitol in Washington, D.C. (January 20, 2015)]</small> * The shadow of crisis has passed, and the State of the Union is strong. * We are a strong, tight-knit family who has made it through some very, very hard times. * Middle-class economics works. Expanding opportunity works. And these policies will continue to work as long as politics don’t get in the way. We can’t slow down businesses or put our economy at risk with government shutdowns or fiscal showdowns. We can’t put the security of families at risk by taking away their health insurance, or unraveling the new rules on Wall Street, or refighting past battles on immigration when we’ve got to fix a broken system. * And in fact, at every moment of economic change throughout our history, this country has taken bold action to adapt to new circumstances and to make sure everyone gets a fair shot. We set up worker protections, Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid to protect ourselves from the harshest adversity. We gave our citizens schools and colleges, infrastructure and the Internet -- tools they needed to go as far as their effort and their dreams will take them. That’s what middle-class economics is -- the idea that '''this country does best when everyone gets their fair shot, everyone does their fair share, everyone plays by the same set of rules. We don’t just want everyone to share in America’s success, we want everyone to contribute to our success.''' * '''When we make rash decisions, reacting to the headlines instead of using our heads; when the first response to a challenge is to send in our military -- then we risk getting drawn into unnecessary conflicts, and neglect the broader strategy we need for a safer, more prosperous world. That’s what our enemies want us to do.''' I believe in a smarter kind of American leadership. '''We lead best when we combine military power with strong diplomacy; when we leverage our power with coalition building; when we don’t let our fears blind us to the opportunities that this new century presents.''' That’s exactly what we’re doing right now. And around the globe, it is making a difference. [...] '''That’s how America leads -- not with bluster, but with persistent, steady resolve.''' * '''Looking to the future instead of the past. Making sure we match our power with diplomacy, and use force wisely. Building coalitions to meet new challenges and opportunities. Leading -- always -- with the example of our values. That’s what makes us exceptional. That’s what keeps us strong. That’s why we have to keep striving to hold ourselves to the highest of standards -- our own.''' * '''A better politics is one where we appeal to each other’s basic decency instead of our basest fears. A better politics is one where we debate without demonizing each other; where we talk issues and values, and principles and facts, rather than “gotcha” moments, or trivial gaffes, or fake controversies that have nothing to do with people’s daily lives. A politics -- a better politics is one where we spend less time drowning in dark money for ads that pull us into the gutter, and spend more time lifting young people up with a sense of purpose and possibility, asking them to join in the great mission of building America. If we’re going to have arguments, let’s have arguments, but let’s make them debates worthy of this body and worthy of this country.''' * Because I want this chamber, I want this city to reflect the truth -- that '''for all our blind spots and shortcomings, we are a people with the strength and generosity of spirit to bridge divides, to unite in common effort, to help our neighbors, whether down the street or on the other side of the world.''' I want our actions to tell every child in every neighborhood, your life matters, and we are committed to improving your life chances as committed as we are to working on behalf of our own kids. I want future generations to know that '''we are a people who see our differences as a great gift, that we’re a people who value the dignity and worth of every citizen -- man and woman, young and old, black and white, Latino, Asian, immigrant, Native American, gay, straight, Americans with mental illness or physical disability. Everybody matters.''' I want them to grow up in a country that shows the world what we still know to be true: that '''we are still more than a collection of red states and blue states; that we are the United States of America.''' * 2014 was the planet’s warmest year on record. Now, one year doesn’t make a trend, but this does: 14 of the 15 warmest years on record have all fallen in the first 15 years of this century. * You know, just over a decade ago, I gave a speech in Boston where I said there wasn’t a liberal America or a conservative America; a black America or a white America -- but a United States of America. ====Address to the People of India (January 2015)==== [[File:Obamas with children at U.S. embassy in Berlin, 2013.jpg|thumb|We may have our different histories and speak different languages, but when we look at each other, we see a reflection of ourselves.]] [[File:President Obama delivers remarks on India and America at the Siri Fort Auditorium in New Delhi (1).jpg|thumb|Progress ultimately depends on something more basic, and that is how we see each other. And we know from experience what makes nations strong. [...] We are strongest when we see the inherent dignity in every human being.]] [[File:SoulCarriedtoHeaven.jpg|thumb|The peace we seek in the world begins in human hearts. And it finds its glorious expression when we look beyond any differences in religion or tribe, and rejoice in the beauty of every soul.]] [[File:President Barack Obama and Prime Minister Narendra Modi have tea in the garden gazebo at Hyderabad House in New Delhi.jpg|thumb|Freedom of religion [...] upholding this fundamental freedom is the responsibility of government, but it's also the responsibility of every person. [...] every person has the right to practice their faith how they choose, or to practice no faith at all, and to do so free of persecution and fear and discrimination.]] :<small>[[s:Remarks by Barack Obama in Address to the People of India|Remarks by Barack Obama]] [http://www.latimes.com/world/asia/la-fg-obama-india-20150127-story.html in Address] [http://www.huffingtonpost.in/2015/01/27/barack-obama-america-indi_n_6552220.html to the] [http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/india/India-will-succeed-so-long-as-it-is-not-splintered-on-sectarian-lines-Obama/articleshow/46035844.cms People of] [http://www.firstpost.com/india/obama-pitches-for-religious-freedom-in-india-amid-rise-of-ghar-wapsi-2066247.html India] ([http://edition.cnn.com/2015/01/27/politics/obama-india-visit/ January 27, 2015])</small> * ''[[w:Namaste|Namaste]]!'' * So today, let me say: Sisters and brothers of [[India]] — my confidence in what our nations can achieve together is rooted in the values we share. For '''we may have our different histories and speak different languages, but when we look at each other, we see a reflection of ourselves.''' * We’ll continue to help India deal with the impacts of climate change -- because you shouldn’t have to bear that burden alone. As we keep working for a strong global agreement on climate change, '''it's young people like you who have to speak up, so we can protect this planet for your generation. I'll be gone when the worst effects happen. It's your generation and your children that are going to be impacted.''' * Because in big and diverse societies like ours, '''progress ultimately depends on something more basic, and that is how we see each other. And we know from experience what makes nations strong.''' And Neha I think did a great job of describing the essence of what’s important here. '''We are strongest when we see the inherent dignity in every human being.''' * The point is, is that '''the aim of our work must be not to just have a few do well, but to have everybody have a chance, everybody who is willing to work for it have the ability to dream big and then reach those dreams.''' * '''Our nations are strongest when we uphold the equality of all our people -- and that includes our women.''' Now, you may have noticed, I’m married to a very strong and talented woman. Michelle is not afraid to speak her mind, or tell me when I’m wrong -- which happens frequently. And we have two beautiful daughters, so I’m surrounded by smart, strong women. And in raising our girls, we’ve tried to '''instill in them basic values -- a sense of compassion for others, and respect for themselves, and the confidence that they can go as far as their imaginations and abilities will carry them.''' [...] We know from experience that '''nations are more successful when their women are successful. When girls go to school -- this is one of the most direct measures of whether a nation is going to develop effectively is how it treats its women. When a girl goes to school, it doesn’t just open up her young mind, it benefits all of us -- because maybe someday she’ll start her own business, or invent a new technology, or cure a disease. And when women are able to work, families are healthier, and communities are wealthier, and entire countries are more prosperous. And when young women are educated, then their children are going to be well educated and have more opportunity. So if nations really want to succeed in today’s global economy, they can’t simply ignore the talents of half their people. And as husbands and fathers and brothers, we have to step up -- because every girl’s life matters. Every daughter deserves the same chance as our sons. Every woman should be able to go about her day -- to walk the streets or ride the bus -- and be safe, and be treated with respect and dignity. She deserves that.''' * Our '''nations are strongest when we see that we are all God’s children -- all equal in His eyes and worthy of His love.''' Across our two great countries we have Hindus and Muslims, Christians and Sikhs, and Jews and Buddhists and Jains and so many faiths. And we remember the wisdom of [[Mahatma Gandhi|Gandhiji]], who said, “for me, the different religions are beautiful flowers from the same garden, or they are branches of the same majestic tree.” Branches of the same majestic tree. Our '''freedom of religion''' is written into our founding documents. It’s part of America’s very first amendment. Your Article 25 says that all people are “equally entitled to freedom of conscience and the right freely to profess, practice and propagate religion.” In both our countries -- in all countries -- '''upholding this fundamental freedom is the responsibility of government, but it's also the responsibility of every person.''' * In our lives, Michelle and I have been strengthened by our Christian faith. But there have been times where my faith has been questioned – by people who don't know me – or they've said that I adhere to a different religion, as if that were somehow a bad thing. * '''No society is immune from the darkest impulses of man. And too often religion has been used to tap into those darker impulses as opposed to the light of God.''' Three years ago in our state of Wisconsin, back in the United States, a man went to a Sikh temple and, in a terrible act of violence, killed six innocent people -- Americans and Indians. And in that moment of shared grief, our two countries reaffirmed a basic truth, as we must again today -- that '''every person has the right to practice their faith how they choose, or to practice no faith at all, and to do so free of persecution and fear and discrimination.''' * '''The peace we seek in the world begins in human hearts. And it finds its glorious expression when we look beyond any differences in religion or tribe, and rejoice in the beauty of every soul. [...] Do we act with compassion and empathy. [...] we have to guard against any efforts to divide ourselves along sectarian lines or any other lines.''' * And, finally, our '''nations are strongest when we empower our young people –- because ultimately, you're the one who has to break down these old stereotypes and these old barriers, these old ways of thinking. Prejudices and stereotypes and assumptions -- those are what happens to old minds''' like mine. I'm getting gray hair now. I was more youthful when I first started this office. And '''that’s why young people are so important in these efforts.''' * ''[[w:Jai Hind|Jai Hind]]!'' ==== Bloody Sunday Speech (March 2015) ==== [[File:A solar halo illuminates the sky over an American flag flying outside Building 1 at Eglin Air Force Base, Fla., in the early afternoon Nov. 12, 2013 131112-F-OC707-021.jpg|thumb|Our work is never done. The American experiment in self-government gives work and purpose to each generation.]] [[File:Artists-impressions-of-Lady-Justice, (statue on the Old Bailey, London).png|thumb|Action requires that we shed our cynicism. For when it comes to the pursuit of justice, we can afford neither complacency nor despair.]] [[File:Election MG 3455.JPG|thumb|What’s our excuse today for not voting? How do we so casually discard the right for which so many fought? How do we so fully give away our power, our voice, in shaping America’s future?]] [[File:Barack Obama (3619986288).jpg|thumb|The single-most powerful word in our democracy is the word “We.” “We The People.” “We Shall Overcome.” “Yes We Can.” That word is owned by no one. It belongs to everyone.]] :<small>Remarks by the President at the 50th Anniversary of the Selma to Montgomery Marches at Edmund Pettus Bridge in Selma, Alabama (March 7, 2015)</small> * What could more profoundly vindicate the idea of America than plain and humble people –- unsung, the downtrodden, the dreamers not of high station, not born to wealth or privilege, not of one religious tradition but many, coming together to shape their country’s course? What greater expression of faith in the American experiment than this, what greater form of patriotism is there than the belief that America is not yet finished, that we are strong enough to be self-critical, that each successive generation can look upon our imperfections and decide that it is in our power to remake this nation to more closely align with our highest ideals? That’s why '''Selma is not some outlier in the American experience.''' That’s why '''it’s not a museum or a static monument to behold from a distance. It is instead the manifestation of a creed written into our founding documents: “We the People…in order to form a more perfect union.” “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” These are not just words. They’re a living thing, a call to action, a roadmap for citizenship and an insistence in the capacity of free men and women to shape our own destiny. [...] These are not just words. They’re a living thing, a call to action, a roadmap for citizenship and an insistence in the capacity of free men and women to shape our own destiny.''' * If Selma taught us anything, it’s that '''our work is never done. The American experiment in self-government gives work and purpose to each generation.''' * Selma teaches us, as well, that '''action requires that we shed our cynicism. For when it comes to the pursuit of justice, we can afford neither complacency nor despair.''' * '''There’s nothing America can’t handle if we actually look squarely at the problem. And this is work for all Americans, not just some. Not just whites. Not just blacks. If we want to honor the courage of those who marched that day, then all of us are called to possess their moral imagination. All of us will need to feel as they did the fierce urgency of now. All of us need to recognize as they did that change depends on our actions, on our attitudes, the things we teach our children. And if we make such an effort, no matter how hard it may sometimes seem, laws can be passed, and consciences can be stirred, and consensus can be built.''' * '''With effort, we can roll back poverty and the roadblocks to opportunity. Americans don’t accept a free ride for anybody, nor do we believe in equality of outcomes. But we do expect equal opportunity.''' And if we really mean it, if we’re not just giving lip service to it, but if we really mean it and are willing to sacrifice for it, then, yes, '''we can make sure every child gets an education suitable to this new century, one that expands imaginations and lifts sights and gives those children the skills they need. We can make sure every person willing to work has the dignity of a job, and a fair wage, and a real voice, and sturdier rungs on that ladder into the middle class. And with effort, we can protect the foundation stone of our democracy for which so many marched across this bridge –- and that is the right to vote.''' * '''What’s our excuse today for not voting? How do we so casually discard the right for which so many fought? How do we so fully give away our power, our voice, in shaping America’s future? Why are we pointing to somebody else when we could take the time just to go to the polling places? We give away our power.''' * '''We respect the past, but we don’t pine for the past. We don’t fear the future; we grab for it.''' America is not some fragile thing. We are large, in the words of [[Walt Whitman|Whitman]], containing multitudes. '''We are boisterous and diverse and full of energy, perpetually young in spirit.''' That’s why someone like [[John Lewis (politician)|John Lewis]] at the ripe old age of 25 could lead a mighty march. '''And that’s what the young people here today and listening all across the country must take away from this day. You are America. Unconstrained by habit and convention. Unencumbered by what is, because you’re ready to seize what ought to be. For everywhere in this country, there are first steps to be taken, there’s new ground to cover, there are more bridges to be crossed. And it is you, the young and fearless at heart,''' the most diverse and educated generation in our history, '''who the nation is waiting to follow.''' * Because '''Selma shows us that America is not the project of any one person. Because the single-most powerful word in our democracy is the word “We.” “We The People.” “We Shall Overcome.” “Yes We Can.” That word is owned by no one. It belongs to everyone.''' ==== Town Hall meeting with Young Leaders of the Americas (April 2015) ==== [[File:Blue Marble Western Hemisphere.jpg|thumb|Engagement is a more powerful force than isolation.]] [[File:Obama at American University.jpg|thumb|With hard work and with hope, change is always within our reach.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/04/09/remarks-president-obama-town-hall-young-leaders-americas Remarks by President Obama in Town Hall with Young Leaders of the Americas at University of the West Indies in Kingston, Jamaica (April 9, 2015)]</small> * But I believe that '''engagement is a more powerful force than isolation''', and the changes we are making can help improve the lives of the Cuban people. * And that impulse to make the world better, to push back on those who try to make it worse, that’s something that your generation has to hold on to. And you have to remember, it’s never easy; there are no days off. But if there’s one thing that I know from my own life, it’s that '''with hard work and with hope, change is always within our reach.''' * But I do believe '''there are certain principles that are universal.''' I think that '''all people want basic dignity and want basic freedom, and want to be able to worship as they please without being discriminated against, or they should be able to speak their mind about an important issue pertaining to their community without being arrested.''' * More broadly, I think that the -- '''if you look at some of the most successful countries in the world, they’re actually pretty small countries -- like Singapore, for example -- that on paper look like they have no assets, and yet, if you go to Singapore, it has one of the highest standards of living in the world. What is it that Singapore did that might be replicable? Well, one of the most important things they did was they made an enormous investment in their people. And if you’ve got a highly skilled, highly educated workforce, if you’ve set up rules of law and governance that are transparent and non-corrupt, then you can attract actually a lot of service industries to supplement the tourist industry, because people would want to locate in your country. You could envision people wanting to operate and have offices there where you’ve got a trained workforce. And these days, so many businesses are operating over the Internet that if you’ve got a really skilled workforce that provides value added, you will attract companies and you’ll attract businesses.''' * '''What deters people from investing in most countries is conflict, corruption, and a lack of skills or infrastructure. And those countries that are able to address those problems have rule of law and eliminate corruption. Make sure that you are investing in the education of your people and it’s a continuous education; it doesn’t just stop at the lower grades, but you give people constant opportunities to upgrade their skills. You have a decent infrastructure -- you’re going to be able to succeed. That’s the recipe, the formula for a 21st-century economy.''' * Because what it turns out is, is that if a -- '''the best way for a country to reduce its debt is to grow really fast, and to generate more income.''' * And I think '''the question that the people''' of Jamaica, just like the people of the United States and '''everywhere''' else, '''should be asking is: If the government is spending money right now, is it on something that is going to help create long-term growth and help people succeed? If the answer is no, you shouldn’t spend that money. Spending money just for the sake of spending money is not -- that’s not the formula for success. But if the money is being spent on what we talked about -- early childhood education; if it’s being spent on infrastructure; if it’s being spent on research; if it’s being spent on building skills for workers -- those are good investments.''' ==== Remarks at Panama Civil Society Forum (April 2015) ==== [[File:Angel de la Independencia Mexico City.jpg|thumb|Strong, successful countries require strong and vibrant civil societies.]] [[File:Earth-DSCOVR-20150706-IFV.jpg|thumb|Civil society is the conscience of our countries. It’s the catalyst of change. It’s why strong nations don’t fear active citizens. Strong nations embrace and support and empower active citizens.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/04/10/remarks-president-obama-civil-society-forum Remarks by President Obama at the Panama Civil Society Forum at Hotel El Panama, Panama City, Panama (April 10, 2015)]</small> * We believe that '''strong, successful countries require strong and vibrant civil societies.''' We know that '''throughout our history, human progress has been propelled not just by famous leaders, not just by states, but by ordinary men and women who believe that change is possible; by citizens who are willing to stand up against incredible odds and great danger not only to protect their own rights, but to extend rights to others.''' * '''It's the dreamers -- no matter how humble or poor or seemingly powerless -- that are able to change the course of human events.''' We saw it in South Africa, where citizens stood up to the scourge of [[w:Apartheid|apartheid]]. We saw it in Europe, where Poles marched in [[w:Solidarity (Polish trade union)|Solidarity]] to help bring down the [[w:Iron Curtain|Iron Curtain]]. In Argentina, where mothers of the disappeared spoke out against the [[w:Dirty War|Dirty War]]. It’s the story of my country, where citizens worked to abolish [[w:Slavery in the United States|slavery]], and establish women’s rights and workers’ rights, and rights for gays and lesbians. * So '''civil society is the conscience of our countries. It’s the catalyst of change. It’s why strong nations don’t fear active citizens. Strong nations embrace and support and empower active citizens.''' * We also know that our '''support for civil society is not just about what we’re against, but also what we’re for.''' Because we’ve noticed that '''governments that are more responsive and effective are typically governments where the people are free to assemble, and speak their minds, and petition their leaders, and hold us accountable.''' * We know that our '''economies attract more trade and investment when citizens are free to start a new business without paying a bribe.''' We know that our '''societies are more likely to succeed when all our people -- regardless of color, or class, or creed, or sexual orientation, or gender -- are free to live and pray and love as they choose.''' [...] And, increasingly, '''civil society is a source of ideas -- about everything from promoting transparency and free expression, to reversing inequality and rescuing our environment.''' ==== Supreme Court Decision on Marriage Equality (June 2015) ==== [[File:Robert_Kennedy_Memorial.jpg|thumb|Small actions can be like pebbles being thrown into a still lake, and ripples of hope cascade outwards and change the world.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/06/26/remarks-president-eulogy-honorable-reverend-clementa-pinckney Remarks by the President on the Supreme Court Decision on Marriage Equality at the White House Rose Garden, Washington, District of Columbia, USA (June 26, 2015)]</small> * '''Our nation was founded on a bedrock principle that [[United States Declaration of Independence|we are all created equal]]. The project of each generation is to bridge the meaning of those founding words with the realities of changing times -- a never-ending quest to ensure those words ring true for every single American. Progress on this journey often comes in small increments, sometimes two steps forward, one step back, propelled by the persistent effort of dedicated citizens. And then sometimes, there are days like this when that slow, steady effort is rewarded with justice that arrives like a thunderbolt.''' * '''This morning, [[w:Obergefell v. Hodges|the Supreme Court recognized that the Constitution guarantees marriage equality]]. In doing so, they’ve reaffirmed that all Americans are entitled to the equal protection of the law. That all people should be treated equally, regardless of who they are or who they love. [...] This ruling will strengthen all of our communities by offering to all loving same-sex couples the dignity of marriage across this great land.''' * In my second inaugural address, I said that '''if we are truly created equal, then surely the love we commit to one another must be equal as well. It is gratifying to see that principle enshrined into law by this decision.''' * '''This ruling is a''' victory for Jim Obergefell and the other plaintiffs in the case. It's '''a victory for gay and lesbian couples who have fought so long for their basic civil rights. It’s a victory for their children, whose families will now be recognized as equal to any other.''' It’s a victory for the allies and friends and supporters who spent years, even decades, working and praying for change to come. And this ruling is a victory for America. This decision affirms what millions of Americans already believe in their hearts: '''When all Americans are treated as equal we are all more free.''' * I know that Americans of goodwill continue to hold a wide range of views on this issue. Opposition in some cases has been based on sincere and deeply held beliefs. All of us who welcome today’s news should be mindful of that fact; recognize different viewpoints; revere our deep commitment to religious freedom. But today should also give us hope that on the many issues with which we grapple, often painfully, '''real change is possible. Shifts in hearts and minds is possible.''' And those who have come so far on their journey to equality have a responsibility to reach back and help others join them. B'''ecause for all our differences, we are one people, stronger together than we could ever be alone. That’s always been our story. We are big and vast and diverse; a nation of people with different backgrounds and beliefs, different experiences and stories, but bound by our shared ideal that no matter who you are or what you look like, how you started off, or how and who you love, America is a place where you can write your own destiny.''' * What an extraordinary achievement. What a vindication of the belief that ordinary people can do extraordinary things. What a reminder of what [[Robert Kennedy|Bobby Kennedy]] once said about how '''small actions can be like pebbles being thrown into a still lake, and ripples of hope cascade outwards and change the world.''' ==== Eulogy for the Honorable Reverend Clementa Pinckney (June 2015) ==== [[File:Joseph Noel Paton Sir Galahad JKAM.jpg|thumb|Grace is not earned. Grace is not merited. It’s not something we deserve. Rather, grace is the free and benevolent favor of God as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.]] [[File:Threegraces.jpg|thumb|We don’t earn grace. We're all sinners. We don't deserve it. But God gives it to us anyway. And we choose how to receive it. It's our decision how to honor it.]] [[File:Robot Arm Over Earth with Sunburst - GPN-2000-001097.jpg|thumb|The path of grace involves an open mind -- but, more importantly, an open heart. [...] If we can find that grace, anything is possible. If we can tap that grace, everything can change.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/06/26/remarks-president-eulogy-honorable-reverend-clementa-pinckney Remarks by the President in Eulogy for the Honorable Reverend Clementa Pinckney at College of Charleston, Charleston, South Carolina, U.S. (June 26, 2015)]</small> * '''This whole week, I’ve been reflecting on this idea of grace.''' The grace of the families who lost loved ones. The grace that Reverend Pinckney would preach about in his sermons. '''The grace described in one of my favorite hymnals -- the one we all know: ''Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now I’m found; was blind but now I see.'' According to the Christian tradition, grace is not earned. Grace is not merited. It’s not something we deserve. Rather, grace is the free and benevolent favor of God as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.''' * '''As a nation, out of this terrible tragedy, God has visited grace upon us, for he has allowed us to see where we’ve been blind. He has given us the chance, where we’ve been lost, to find our best selves. We may not have earned it, this grace,''' with our rancor and complacency, and short-sightedness and fear of each other -- '''but''' we got it all the same. '''He gave it to us anyway. He’s once more given us grace. But it is up to us now to make the most of it, to receive it with gratitude, and to prove ourselves worthy of this gift.''' * '''For too long, we were blind to the pain that the Confederate flag stirred in too many of our citizens. It’s true, a flag did not cause these murders. But as people from all walks of life, Republicans and Democrats, now acknowledge''' -- including Governor Haley, whose recent eloquence on the subject is worthy of praise as we all have to acknowledge, '''the flag has always represented more than just ancestral pride. For many, black and white, that flag was a reminder of systemic oppression and racial subjugation.''' We see that now. '''Removing the flag from this state’s capitol would not be an act of political correctness; it would not be an insult to the valor of Confederate soldiers. It would simply be an acknowledgment that the cause for which they fought -- the cause of slavery -- was wrong -- the imposition of Jim Crow after the Civil War, the resistance to civil rights for all people was wrong. It would be one step in an honest accounting of America’s history; a modest but meaningful balm for so many unhealed wounds. It would be an expression of the amazing changes that have transformed this state and this country for the better, because of the work of so many people of goodwill, people of all races striving to form a more perfect union. By taking down that flag, we express God’s grace.''' * But I don't think God wants us to stop there. '''For too long, we’ve been blind to the way past injustices continue to shape the present. Perhaps we see that now. Perhaps this tragedy causes us to ask some tough questions about how we can permit so many of our children to languish in poverty, or attend dilapidated schools, or grow up without prospects for a job or for a career. Perhaps it causes us to examine what we’re doing to cause some of our children to hate. Perhaps it softens hearts towards those lost young men, tens and tens of thousands caught up in the criminal justice system and leads us to make sure that that system is not infected with bias'''; that we embrace changes in how we train and equip our police so that the bonds of trust between law enforcement and the communities they serve make us all safer and more secure. '''Maybe we now realize the way racial bias can infect us even when we don't realize it, so that we're guarding against not just racial slurs, but we're also guarding against the subtle impulse to call Johnny back for a job interview but not Jamal.''' So that we search our hearts when we consider laws to make it harder for some of our fellow citizens to vote. '''By recognizing our common humanity by treating every child as important, regardless of the color of their skin or the station into which they were born, and to do what’s necessary to make opportunity real for every American -- by doing that, we express God’s grace.''' * '''For too long, we’ve been blind to the unique mayhem that gun violence inflicts upon this nation.''' Sporadically, our eyes are open: When [[w:Charleston church shooting|eight of our brothers and sisters are cut down in a church basement]], [[w:2012 Aurora shooting|12 in a movie theater]], [[w:Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting|26 in an elementary school]]. But '''I hope we''' also see '''the 30 precious lives cut short by gun violence in this country every single day; the countless more whose lives are forever changed -- the survivors crippled, the children traumatized and fearful every day as they walk to school, the husband who will never feel his wife’s warm touch, the entire communities whose grief overflows every time they have to watch what happened to them happen to some other place.''' The vast majority of Americans -- the majority of gun owners -- want to do something about this. We see that now. And '''I'm convinced that by acknowledging the pain and loss of others, even as we respect the traditions and ways of life that make up this beloved country -- by making the moral choice to change, we express God’s grace.''' * '''We don’t earn grace. We're all sinners. We don't deserve it. But God gives it to us anyway. And we choose how to receive it. It's our decision how to honor it.''' * None of us can or should expect a transformation in race relations overnight. Every time something like this happens, somebody says we have to have a conversation about race. We talk a lot about race. There’s no shortcut. And we don’t need more talk. None of us should believe that a handful of gun safety measures will prevent every tragedy. It will not. People of goodwill will continue to debate the merits of various policies, as our democracy requires -- this is a big, raucous place, America is. And there are good people on both sides of these debates. Whatever solutions we find will necessarily be incomplete. But '''it would be a betrayal''' of everything Reverend Pinckney stood for, I believe, '''if we allowed ourselves to slip into a comfortable silence again. Once the eulogies have been delivered, once the TV cameras move on, to go back to business as usual -- that’s what we so often do to avoid uncomfortable truths about the prejudice that still infects our society. To settle for symbolic gestures without following up with the hard work of more lasting change -- that’s how we lose our way again. It would be a refutation of the forgiveness expressed by those families if we merely slipped into old habits, whereby those who disagree with us are not merely wrong but bad; where we shout instead of listen; where we barricade ourselves behind preconceived notions or well-practiced cynicism.''' * Clem understood that '''justice grows out of recognition of ourselves in each other.''' That '''my liberty depends on you being free, too.''' That '''history can’t be a sword to justify injustice, or a shield against progress, but must be a manual for how to avoid repeating the mistakes of the past -- how to break the cycle. A roadway toward a better world.''' He knew that '''the path of grace involves an open mind -- but, more importantly, an open heart.''' That’s what I’ve felt this week -- an open heart. That, more than any particular policy or analysis, is what’s called upon right now, I think -- what a friend of mine, the writer [[w:Marilyn Robinson|Marilynne Robinson]], calls “that reservoir of goodness, beyond, and of another kind, that we are able to do each other in the ordinary cause of things.” That reservoir of goodness. '''If we can find that grace, anything is possible. If we can tap that grace, everything can change.''' ==== Remarks to the Kenyan People (July 2015) ==== [[File:Ancientlibraryalex.jpg|thumb|We study the past so it can guide us into the future, and inspire us to do better.]] [[File:Martin Luther King Memorial (Washington) (44519498444).jpg|thumb|A politics that’s based solely on tribe and ethnicity is a politics that's doomed to tear a country apart.]] [[File:FreedmenVotingInNewOrleans1867.jpeg|thumb|You can't be complacent and accept the world just as it is. You have to imagine what the world might be and then push and work toward that future. Progress requires that you honestly confront the dark corners of our own past; extend rights and opportunities to more of your citizens.]] [[File:1963 march on washington.jpg|thumb|And the ability of citizens to organize and advocate for change -- that's the oxygen upon which democracy depends.]] [[File:Maternal health (4798750001).jpg|thumb|There is a tradition of repressing women and treating them differently, and not giving them the same opportunities, and husbands beating their wives, and children not being sent to school. Those are traditions. Treating women and girls as second-class citizens, those are bad traditions. They need to change.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/07/26/remarks-president-obama-kenyan-people Remarks by President Obama to the Kenyan People at Safaricom Indoor Arena, Nairobi, Kenya (July 26, 2015)]</small> * We know a history so that we can learn from it. We learn our history because we understand the sacrifices that were made before, so that when we make sacrifices we understand we're doing it on behalf of future generations. There’s a proverb that says, “We have not inherited this land from our forebears, we have borrowed it from our children.” In other words, '''we study the past so it can guide us into the future, and inspire us to do better.''' * I want to be very clear here -- '''a politics that’s based solely on tribe and ethnicity is a politics that's doomed to tear a country apart.''' * In the United States, I always say that '''what makes America exceptional is not the fact that we’re perfect, it's the fact that we struggle to improve. We're self-critical. We work to live up to our highest values and ideals, knowing that we're not always going to achieve them perfectly, but we keep on trying to perfect our union.''' * '''You can't be complacent and accept the world just as it is. You have to imagine what the world might be and then push and work toward that future. Progress requires that you honestly confront the dark corners of our own past; extend rights and opportunities to more of your citizens; see the differences and diversity of this country as a strength, just as we in America try to see the diversity of our country as a strength and not a weakness.''' So you can choose the path to progress, but it requires making some important choices. * '''And the ability of citizens to organize and advocate for change -- that's the oxygen upon which democracy depends.''' * '''Democracy is sometimes messy, and for leaders, sometimes it's frustrating.''' Democracy means that somebody is always complaining about something. Nobody is ever happy in a democracy about their government. If you make one person happy, somebody else is unhappy. Then sometimes somebody who you made happy, later on, now they’re not happy. They say, what have you done for me lately? '''But that's the nature of democracy. That's why it works, is because it's constantly challenging leaders to up their game and to do better.''' * Because '''corruption holds back every aspect of economic and civil life. It’s an anchor that weighs you down and prevents you from achieving what you could.''' If you need to pay a bribe and hire somebody’s brother -- who’s not very good and doesn’t come to work -- in order to start a business, well, that’s going to create less jobs for everybody. If electricity is going to one neighborhood because they’re well-connected, and not another neighborhood, that’s going to limit development of the country as a whole. If someone in public office is taking a cut that they don't deserve, that’s taking away from those who are paying their fair share. So this is not just about changing one law -- although it's important to have laws on the books that are actually being enforced. '''It’s important that not only low-level corruption is punished, but folks at the top, if they are taking from the people, that has to be addressed as well. But it's not something that is just fixed by laws, or that any one person can fix. It requires a commitment by the entire nation -- leaders and citizens -- to change habits and to change culture. [...] People who break the law and violate the public trust need to be prosecuted.''' NGOs have to be allowed to operate who shine a spotlight on what needs to change. And ordinary people have to stand up and say, enough is enough. * '''Every country and every culture has traditions that are unique and help make that country what it is. But just because something is a part of your past doesn’t make it right. It doesn’t mean that it defines your future. [...] Just because something is a tradition doesn’t make it right.''' * Well, '''so around the world, there is a tradition of repressing women and treating them differently, and not giving them the same opportunities, and husbands beating their wives, and children not being sent to school. Those are traditions. Treating women and girls as second-class citizens, those are bad traditions. They need to change. They’re holding you back.''' * '''Treating women as second-class citizens is a bad tradition. It holds you back. There’s no excuse for sexual assault or domestic violence. There’s no reason that young girls should suffer genital mutilation. There’s no place in civilized society for the early or forced marriage of children. These traditions may date back centuries; they have no place in the 21st century. These are issues of right and wrong -- in any culture. But they’re also issues of success and failure. Any nation that fails to educate its girls or employ its women and allowing them to maximize their potential is doomed to fall behind in a global economy.''' * You know, we're in a sports center. '''Imagine if you have a team and you don't let half of the team play. That's stupid. That makes no sense. And the evidence shows that communities that give their daughters the same opportunities as their sons, they are more peaceful, they are more prosperous, they develop faster, they are more likely to succeed. [...] And that's why one of the most successful development policies you can pursue is giving girls and education, and removing the obstacles that stand between them and their dreams. And by the way, if you educate girls -- they grow up to be moms -- and they, because they’re educated, are more likely to produce educated children.''' * '''Terrorists who try to sow chaos, they must be met with force and they must also be met, though, with a forceful commitment to uphold the rule of law, and respect for human rights, and to treat everybody who’s peaceful and law-abiding fairly and equally.''' * So '''we can all appreciate our own identities, our bloodlines, our beliefs, our backgrounds -- that tapestry is what makes us who we are.''' But the history of Africa -- which is both the cradle of human progress and a crucible of conflict -- shows us that '''when define ourselves narrowly, in opposition to somebody just because they’re of a different tribe, or race, or religion -- and we ignore who is a good person or a bad person, are they working hard or not, are they honest or not, are they peaceful or violent -- when we start making distinctions solely based on status and not what people do, then we're taking the wrong path and we inevitably suffer in the end. This is why Martin Luther King called on people to be judged not by the color of their skin but the content of their character. And in the same way, people should not be judged by their last name, or their religious faith, but by their content of their character and how they behave. Are they good citizens? Are they good people?''' ==== Remarks to the People of Africa (July 2015) ==== [[File:P1020254 (5349317202).jpg|thumb|The most powerful antidote to the old ways of doing things is this new generation of youth. History shows that the nations that do best are the ones that invest in the education of their people.]] [[File:African Union flag (cropped).png|thumb|Good governance is one of the best weapons against terrorism and instability.]] [[File:Genius of Liberty Dumont July Column.jpg|thumb|If we sacrifice liberty in the name of security, we risk losing both.]] [[File:Ripa dignity allegory.jpg|thumb|If each of us is to be treated with dignity, each of us must be sure to also extend that same dignity to others.]] [[File:Safe spaces for 10,000 vulnerable girls in Zambia (8220719712).jpg|thumb|The single best indicator of whether a nation will succeed is how it treats its women.]] [[File:DBP 1984 1230 Gleichberechtigung.jpg|thumb|We’ll all be better off when women have equal futures.]] [[File:Tree of Life by Beth Erez.jpg|thumb|In this tree of humanity, with all of our branches and diversity, we all go back to the same root.  We’re all one family -- we're all one tribe. And yet so much of the suffering in our world stems from our failure to remember that -- to not recognize ourselves in each other.]] [[File:2006 - Byzantine Museum, Athens - Marble slab - Photo by Giovanni Dall'Orto, Nov 12 2009.jpg|thumb|Every one of us is equal. Every one of us has worth. Every one of us matters.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/07/26/remarks-president-obama-kenyan-people Remarks by President Obama to the People of Africa at Mandela Hall, African Union Headquarters in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia (July 28, 2015)]</small> * For us, for our children, Africa and its people teach us a powerful lesson -- that w'''e must uphold the inherent dignity of every human being. Dignity -- that basic idea that by virtue of our common humanity, no matter where we come from, or what we look like, we are all born equal, touched by the grace of God. Every person has worth. Every person matters. Every person deserves to be treated with decency and respect.''' Throughout much of history, mankind did not see this. Dignity was seen as a virtue reserved to those of rank and privilege, kings and elders. It took a revolution of the spirit, over many centuries, to open our eyes to the dignity of every person. And around the world, generations have struggled to put this idea into practice in laws and in institutions. * Africa’s progress will depend on unleashing economic growth -- not just for the few at the top, but for the many, because '''an essential element of dignity is being able to live a decent life. That begins with a job.''' And that requires trade and investment. * It is not unique to Africa -- '''corruption''' exists all over the world, including in the United States. But here in Africa, corruption drains billions of dollars from economies that can't afford to lose billions of dollars -- that's money that could be used to create jobs and build hospitals and schools. And when someone has to pay a bribe just to start a business or go to school, or get an official to do the job they’re supposed to be doing anyway -- that’s not “the African way.” It '''undermines the dignity of the people you represent.''' * But, ultimately, '''the most powerful antidote to the old ways of doing things is this new generation of''' African '''youth. History shows that the nations that do best are the ones that invest in the education of their people.''' You see, in this information age, jobs can flow anywhere, and they typically will flow to where workers are literate and highly skilled and online. * Africa’s '''progress will depend on development that truly lifts countries from poverty to prosperity -- because people everywhere deserve the dignity of a life free from want.''' * I believe Africa’s progress will also depend on democracy, because Africans, like '''people everywhere, deserve the dignity of being in control of their own lives. We all know what the ingredients of real democracy are. They include free and fair elections, but also freedom of speech and the press, freedom of assembly. These rights are universal.''' […] And I have to proclaim, '''democracy is not just formal elections. When journalists are put behind bars for doing their jobs, or activists are threatened as governments crack down on civil society then you may have democracy in name, but not in substance.''' And I'm convinced that '''nations cannot realize the full promise of independence until they fully protect the rights of their people.''' * '''No country is perfect, but we have to be honest, and strive to expand freedoms, to broaden democracy. The bottom line is that when citizens cannot exercise their rights, the world has a responsibility to speak out.''' * I have to also say that Africa’s '''democratic progress is''' also '''at risk when leaders refuse to step aside when their terms end. […] When a leader tries to change the rules in the middle of the game just to stay in office, it risks instability and strife''' -- [[w:2015 Burundian unrest|as we’ve seen in Burundi]]. '''And this is often just a first step down a perilous path.''' And sometimes you’ll hear leaders say, well, I'm the only person who can hold this nation together. If that's true, then that leader has failed to truly build their nation. […] '''Nobody should be president for life. And your country is better off if you have new blood and new ideas. I'm still a pretty young man, but I know that somebody with new energy and new insights will be good for my country. It will be good for yours, too''', in some cases. * Africa’s '''progress will also depend on security and peace -- because an essential part of human dignity is being safe and free from fear.''' * '''Our efforts to ensure our shared security must be matched by a commitment to improve governance. Those things are connected. Good governance is one of the best weapons against terrorism and instability.''' Our fight against terrorist groups, for example, will never be won if we fail to address legitimate grievances that terrorists may try to exploit, if we don’t build trust with all communities, if we don’t uphold the rule of law. There’s a saying, and I believe it is true -- '''if we sacrifice liberty in the name of security, we risk losing both.''' * And finally, Africa’s '''progress will depend on upholding the human rights of all people -- for if each of us is to be treated with dignity, each of us must be sure to also extend that same dignity to others.''' * '''Our girls have to be treated the same. We can’t let old traditions stand in the way. The march of history shows that we have the capacity to broaden our moral imaginations. We come to see that some traditions are good for us, they keep us grounded, but that, in our modern world, other traditions set us back. When African girls are subjected to the mutilation of their bodies, or forced into marriage at the ages of 9 or 10 or 11 -- that sets us back. That's not a good tradition. It needs to end. […]''' * '''And when girls cannot go to school and grow up not knowing how to read or write -- that denies the world future women engineers, future women doctors, future women business owners, future women presidents -- that sets us all back. That's a bad tradition -- not providing our girls the same education as our sons.''' I was saying in Kenya, '''nobody would put out a football team and then just play half the team. You’d lose. The same is true when it comes to getting everybody and education. You can't leave half the team off -- our young women.''' * [...] '''let girls learn so they grow up healthy and they grow up strong. And that will be good for families. And they will raise smart, healthy children, and that will be good for every one of your nations.''' Africa is the beautiful, strong women that these girls grow up to become. '''The single best indicator of whether a nation will succeed is how it treats its women. When women have health care and women have education, families are stronger, communities are more prosperous, children do better in school, nations are more prosperous.''' Look at the amazing African women here in this hall. '''If you want your country to grow and succeed, you have to empower your women.''' […] Let’s work together to stop sexual assault and domestic violence. '''Let’s make clear that we will not tolerate rape as a weapon of war -- it’s a crime.And those who commit it must be punished.  Let’s lift up the next generation of women leaders who can help fight injustice and forge peace and start new businesses and create jobs -- and some might hire some men, too. We’ll all be better off when women have equal futures.''' * '''In this tree of humanity, with all of our branches and diversity, we all go back to the same root.  We’re all one family -- we're all one tribe. And yet so much of the suffering in our world stems from our failure to remember that -- to not recognize ourselves in each other. We think because somebody’s skin is slightly different, or their hair is slightly different, or their religious faith is differently expressed, or they speak a different language that it justifies somehow us treating them with less dignity. And that becomes the source of so many of our problems. And we think somehow that we make ourselves better by putting other people down. And that becomes the source of so many of our problems. When we begin to see other as somehow less than ourselves -- when we succumb to these artificial divisions of faith or sect or tribe or ethnicity -- then even the most awful abuses are justified in the minds of those who are thinking in those ways. And in the end, abusers lose their own humanity, as well.''' * '''Every one of us is equal. Every one of us has worth. Every one of us matters. And when we respect the freedom of others -- no matter the color of their skin, or how they pray or who they are or who they love -- we are all more free. Your dignity depends on my dignity, and my dignity depends on yours.''' Imagine if everyone had that spirit in their hearts. Imagine if governments operated that way. Just imagine what the world could look like -- the future that we could bequeath these young people. * Yes, '''in our world, old thinking can be a stubborn thing. That's one of the reasons why we need term limits -- old people think old ways. […] The old ways can be stubborn. But I believe the human heart is stronger. I believe hearts can change.  I believe minds can open. That’s how change happens. That’s how societies move forward.''' It's not always a straight line -- step by halting step -- sometimes you go forward, you move back a little bit. But I believe we are marching, we are pointing towards ideals of justice and equality. * '''New thinking. Unleashing growth that creates opportunity. Promoting development that lifts all people out of poverty.Supporting democracy that gives citizens their say. Advancing the security and justice that delivers peace. Respecting the human rights of all people. These are the keys to progress -- not just in Africa, but around the world.''' ==== Young African Leaders Initiative Presidential Summit Town Hall speech (August 2015) ==== [[File:Legree.png|thumb|You do not lift yourself up by holding somebody else down.]] [[File:Alice Mendoza, left, accepts the Medal of Honor on behalf of her late husband, U.S. Army Staff Sgt. Manuel V. Mendoza, from President Barack Obama during a ceremony at the White House in Washington, D.C 140318-D-DB155-019.jpg|thumb|You have to be willing to take some risks and do some hard things in order to be a leader. A leader is not just a name, a title, and privileges and perks.]] [[File:Academy commencement 110518-G-ZX620-075.jpg|thumb|If you don’t have the convictions and the courage to be able to stand up for what you think is right, then cruelty will perpetuate itself.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/08/03/remarks-president-young-african-leaders-initiative-presidential-summit Remarks by the President at the Young African Leaders Initiative Presidential Summit Town Hall at Omni Shoreham Hotel, Washington, D.C., U.S.A. (August 3, 2015)]</small> * '''The best measure of how a country does economically in terms of development is how does it treat its women.''' And as I said in a speech -- a couple of the speeches that I gave while I was in Kenya and Ethiopia -- '''if you’re mistreating your women, then you’re just holding yourself back, you’re holding yourself down. You may have some false sense of importance, but ultimately you don’t benefit if women are being discriminated against, because that means when they’re working, your family is going to have less income. If they’re not educated, that means your children are less likely to be well educated, because, typically, the mother is the first educator of a child. So if they see you disrespecting your wife, then what lesson is your -- not just your girls, but what lessons are your sons learning from you? […] You do not lift yourself up by holding somebody else down.''' * And the one thing I’ve learned, both in my personal life and in my political life, is that '''if you want more authority, then you also have to be more responsible. You can’t wear the crown if you can’t bear the cross.''' […] So my attitude is, '''if you want to participate then you have to recognize that you have broader responsibilities.''' […] And that is part of leadership. That’s true, by the way, for you individually as well. '''You have to be willing to take some risks and do some hard things in order to be a leader. A leader is not just a name, a title, and privileges and perks.''' * But what we’ve also said is i'''n order to defeat these extremist ideologies, it can’t just be military, police and security. It has to be reaching into communities that feel marginalized and making sure that they feel that they’re heard; making sure that the young people in those communities have opportunity.''' […] And that’s why, when I was in Kenya, for example, and I did a town hall meeting there, I emphasized what I had said to President Kenyata -- '''be a partner with the civil society groups.''' Because too often, there’s a tendency -- '''because what the extremist groups want to do is they want to divide. That’s what terrorism is all about. The notion is that you scare societies, further polarizes them. The government reacts by further discriminating against a particular group. That group then feels it has no political outlet peacefully to deal with their grievances. And that then -- that suppression can oftentimes accelerate even more extremism. And that’s why reaching out to civil society groups, clergy, and listening and asking, okay, what is it that we need to do in order to make sure that young people feel that they can succeed? What is it that we need to do to make sure that they feel that they’re fully a part of this country and are full citizens, and have full rights? How do we do that? Bringing them into plan and design messages and campaigns that embrace the diversity of these countries -- those are the things that are so important to do.''' * Societies evolve based on new understandings and new science and new appreciation of who we are. * And so we can preserve great traditions -- music, food, dance, language, art -- but '''if there’s a tradition''' anywhere in Africa, or here in the United States, or '''anywhere in the world that involves treating people differently because you’re scared of them, or because you're ignorant about them, or because you want to feel superior to them, it's a bad tradition. And you have to challenge it. And you can't accept excuses for it. […] But the truth of the matter is, is that if you’re treating people differently just because of who they love and who they are, then there’s a connection between that mindset and the mindset that led to racism, and the mindset that leads to ethnic conflict. It means that you’re not able to see somebody else as a human being. And so you can’t, on the one hand, complain when somebody else does that to you, and then you’re doing it to somebody else. You can’t do it. There’s got to be some consistency to how you think about these issues. And that’s going to be up to young people -- because old people get stuck in their ways. […] And that doesn’t mean that everything suddenly is perfect. It just means that, young people, you can lead the way and set a good example. But it requires some courage, because the old thinking, people will push back at you. And if you don’t have the convictions and the courage to be able to stand up for what you think is right, then cruelty will perpetuate itself.''' ==== Leaders' Summit on Countering ISIL and Violent Extremism speech (September 2015) ==== [[File:Signing of the Poverty Bill.jpg|thumb|Ideologies are not defeated with guns, they’re defeated by better ideas -- a more attractive and compelling vision.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/09/29/remarks-president-obama-leaders-summit-countering-isil-and-violent Remarks by President Obama at the Leaders' Summit on Countering ISIL and Violent Extremism at United Nations Headquarters in New York, New York (September 29, 2015)]</small> * '''Ideologies are not defeated with guns, they’re defeated by better ideas -- a more attractive and compelling vision.''' * I’ve said this before -- '''when human rights are denied and citizens have no opportunity to redress their grievances peacefully, it feeds terrorist propaganda that justifies violence. Likewise, when political opponents are treated like terrorists and thrown in jail, it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. So the real path to lasting stability and progress is not less democracy; I believe it is more democracy in terms of free speech, and freedom of religion, rule of law, strong civil societies. All that has to play a part in countering violent extremism.''' * And finally, we recognize that '''our best partners in protecting vulnerable people from succumbing to violent extremist ideologies are the communities themselves -- families, friends, neighbors, clerics, faith leaders who love and care for these young people.''' Remember that '''violent extremism is not unique to any one faith, so no one should be profiled or targeted simply because of their faith.''' ==== Remarks after the Umpqua Community College shooting (October 2015) ==== :<small>[https://obamawhitehouse.archives.gov/the-press-office/2015/10/01/statement-president-shootings-umpqua-community-college-roseburg-oregon Remarks by President Obama] from the [[w:James S. Brady Press Briefing Room|James S. Brady Press Briefing Room]] after the [[w:Umpqua Community College shooting|Umpqua Community College shooting]] (1 October 2015)</small> * In the coming days, we’ll learn about the victims — young men and women who were studying and learning and working hard, their eyes set on the future, their dreams on what they could make of their lives. And America will wrap everyone who’s grieving with our prayers and our love.<br>But as I said just a few months ago, and I said a few months before that, and I said each time we see one of these mass shootings, our thoughts and prayers are not enough. It’s not enough. It does not capture the heartache and grief and anger that we should feel. And it does nothing to prevent this carnage from being inflicted someplace else in America — next week, or a couple of months from now.<br>We don’t yet know why this individual did what he did. And it’s fair to say that anybody who does this has a sickness in their minds, regardless of what they think their motivations may be. But we are not the only country on Earth that has people with mental illnesses or want to do harm to other people. We are the only advanced country on Earth that sees these kinds of mass shootings every few months.<br>Earlier this year, I answered a question in an interview by saying, “The United States of America is the one advanced nation on Earth in which we do not have sufficient common-sense gun-safety laws — even in the face of repeated mass killings.” And later that day, there was [[w:2015 Lafayette shooting|a mass shooting at a movie theater in Lafayette, Louisiana]]. That day! Somehow this has become routine. The reporting is routine. My response here at this podium ends up being routine. The conversation in the aftermath of it. We’ve become numb to this.<br>We talked about this after [[w: Columbine High School massacre|Columbine]] and [[w:Virginia Tech shooting|Blacksburg]], after [[w:2011 Tucson shooting|Tucson]], after [[Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting]], after [[2012 Aurora shooting|Aurora]], after [[w:Charleston church shooting|Charleston]]. It cannot be this easy for somebody who wants to inflict harm on other people to get his or her hands on a gun.<br>And what’s become routine, of course, is the response of those who oppose any kind of common-sense gun legislation. * We know that states with the most gun laws tend to have the fewest gun deaths. So the notion that gun laws don’t work, or just will make it harder for law-abiding citizens and criminals will still get their guns is not borne out by the evidence.<br>We know that other countries, in response to one mass shooting, have been able to craft laws that almost eliminate mass shootings. Friends of ours, allies of ours — Great Britain, Australia, countries like ours. So we know there are ways to prevent it. * We spend over a trillion dollars, and pass countless laws, and devote entire agencies to preventing terrorist attacks on our soil, and rightfully so. And yet, we have a Congress that explicitly blocks us from even collecting data on how we could potentially reduce gun deaths. How can that be?<br>This is a political choice that we make to allow this to happen every few months in America. We collectively are answerable to those families who lose their loved ones because of our inaction. ==== Remarks to the United Nations General Assembly (September 2015) ==== [[File:Diagram of the Federal Government and American Union edit.jpg|thumb|A government that suppresses peaceful dissent is not showing strength; it is showing weakness and it is showing fear. History shows that regimes who fear their own people will eventually crumble, but strong institutions built on the consent of the governed endure long after any one individual is gone.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/09/28/remarks-president-obama-united-nations-general-assembly Remarks by President Obama to the United Nations General Assembly at United Nations Headquarters in New York, New York (September 29, 2015)]</small> * I recognize that democracy is going to take different forms in different parts of the world. '''The very idea of a people governing themselves depends upon government giving expression to their unique culture, their unique history, their unique experiences. But some universal truths are self-evident. No person wants to be imprisoned for peaceful worship. No woman should ever be abused with impunity, or a girl barred from going to school. The freedom to peacefully petition those in power without fear of arbitrary laws -- these are not ideas of one country or one culture. They are fundamental to human progress.''' * I believe '''a government that suppresses peaceful dissent is not showing strength; it is showing weakness and it is showing fear. History shows that regimes who fear their own people will eventually crumble, but strong institutions built on the consent of the governed endure long after any one individual is gone. That's why our strongest leaders -- from [[George Washington]] to [[Nelson Mandela]] -- have elevated the importance of building strong, democratic institutions over a thirst for perpetual power. Leaders who amend constitutions to stay in office only acknowledge that they failed to build a successful country for their people -- because none of us last forever. It tells us that power is something they cling to for its own sake, rather than for the betterment of those they purport to serve.''' * I understand democracy is frustrating. Democracy in the United States is certainly imperfect. At times, it can even be dysfunctional. But '''democracy -- the constant struggle to extend rights to more of our people, to give more people a voice''' -- is what allowed us to become the most powerful nation in the world. It's not simply a matter of principle; it's not an abstraction. Democracy -- '''inclusive democracy -- makes countries stronger. When opposition parties can seek power peacefully through the ballot, a country draws upon new ideas.  When a free media can inform the public, corruption and abuse are exposed and can be rooted out. When civil society thrives, communities can solve problems that governments cannot necessarily solve alone. When immigrants are welcomed, countries are more productive and more vibrant. When girls can go to school, and get a job, and pursue unlimited opportunity, that’s when a country realizes its full potential.''' […] And I believe that what is true for America is true for virtually all mature democracies.  And that is no accident. We can be proud of our nations without defining ourselves in opposition to some other group. We can be patriotic without demonizing someone else. We can cherish our own identities -- our religion, our ethnicity, our traditions -- without putting others down. '''Our systems are premised on the notion that absolute power will corrupt, but that people -- ordinary people -- are fundamentally good; that they value family and friendship, faith and the dignity of hard work; and that with appropriate checks and balances, governments can reflect this goodness.''' === We Will Not Be Terrorized (December 2015) === [[File:2015-12-05 President Obama's Weekly Address.webm|thumb|This tragedy reminds us of our obligation to do everything in our power, together, to keep our communities safe.]] :<small>[https://obamawhitehouse.archives.gov/the-press-office/2015/12/05/weekly-address-we-will-not-be-terrorized "We Will Not Be Terrorized" (5 December 2015)]</small> * '''This weekend, [[2015 San Bernardino attack|our hearts are with the people of San Bernardino]] — another American community shattered by unspeakable violence.''' We salute the first responders — the police, the SWAT teams, the EMTs — who responded so quickly, with such courage, and saved lives. We pray for the injured as they fight to recover from their wounds. * It is entirely possible that these two attackers were radicalized to commit this act of terror. And if so, it would underscore a threat we’ve been focused on for years — the danger of people succumbing to violent extremist ideologies. We know that ISIL and other terrorist groups are actively encouraging people — around the world and in our country — to commit terrible acts of violence, often times as lone wolf actors. And even as we work to prevent attacks, all of us — government, law enforcement, communities, faith leaders — need to work together to prevent people from falling victim to these hateful ideologies. <br /> More broadly, this tragedy reminds us of our obligation to do everything in our power, together, to keep our communities safe. '''We know that the killers in San Bernardino used military-style assault weapons — weapons of war — to kill as many people as they could.''' It’s another tragic reminder that here in America it’s way too easy for dangerous people to get their hands on a gun. <br /> For example, '''right now, people on the No-Fly list can walk into a store and buy a gun. That is insane. If you’re too dangerous to board a plane, you’re too dangerous, by definition, to buy a gun.''' And so I’m calling on Congress to close this loophole, now. We may not be able to prevent every tragedy, but — at a bare minimum — we shouldn’t be making it so easy for potential terrorists or criminals to get their hands on a gun that they could use against Americans. ==== Address to the Nation by the President on San Bernardino (December 2015) ==== :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/12/06/address-nation-president Address to the Nation by the President] (6 December 2015)</small> * The FBI is still gathering the facts about [[2015 San Bernardino attack|what happened in San Bernardino]], but here is what we know. The victims were brutally murdered and injured by one of their coworkers and his wife. So far, we have no evidence that the killers were directed by a terrorist organization overseas, or that they were part of a broader conspiracy here at home. But it is clear that the two of them had gone down the dark path of radicalization, embracing a perverted interpretation of Islam that calls for war against America and the West. They had stockpiled assault weapons, ammunition, and pipe bombs. So this was an act of terrorism, designed to kill innocent people. * As Commander-in-Chief, I have no greater responsibility than the security of the American people. As a father to two young daughters who are the most precious part of my life, I know that we see ourselves with friends and coworkers at a holiday party like the one in San Bernardino. I know we see our kids in the faces of the [[w:November 2015 Paris attacks|young people killed in Paris]]. And I know that after so much war, many Americans are asking whether we are confronted by a cancer that has no immediate cure. * With American leadership, the international community has begun to establish a process — and timeline — to pursue ceasefires and a political resolution to the [[w:Syrian Civil War|Syrian war]]. Doing so will allow the Syrian people and every country, including our allies, but also countries like Russia, to focus on the common goal of destroying [[w:Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant|ISIL]] — a group that threatens us all. * To begin with, '''[[United States Congress|Congress]] should act to make sure no one on a no-fly list is able to buy a [[gun]]. What could possibly be the [[argument]] for allowing a [[terrorist]] [[suspect]] to buy a semi-automatic [[weapon]]?''' This is a matter of [[national security]]. <br /> We also need to make it harder for people to buy powerful [[assault weapons]] like the ones that were used in San Bernardino. I know there are some who reject any gun safety measures. But the fact is that '''our intelligence and law enforcement agencies — no matter how effective they are — cannot identify every would-be mass shooter, whether that individual is motivated by [[ISIL]] or some other hateful [[ideology]]. What we can do — and [[must]] do — is make it harder for them to [[kill]].''' * We cannot turn against one another by letting this fight be defined as a war between America and Islam. That, too, is what groups like ISIL want. ISIL does not speak for [[Islam]]. They are thugs and killers, part of a cult of death, and they account for a tiny fraction of more than a billion Muslims around the world — including millions of patriotic Muslim Americans who reject their hateful ideology. Moreover, the vast majority of terrorist victims around the world are Muslim. If we’re to succeed in defeating terrorism we must enlist Muslim communities as some of our strongest allies, rather than push them away through suspicion and hate. * My fellow Americans, I am confident we will succeed in this mission because we are on the right side of history. '''We were founded upon a belief in human dignity — that no matter who you are, or where you come from, or what you look like, or what religion you practice, you are equal in the eyes of God and equal in the eyes of the law.''' Even in this political season, even as we properly debate what steps I and future Presidents must take to keep our country safe, l'''et’s make sure we never forget what makes us exceptional. Let’s not forget that freedom is more powerful than fear; that we have always met challenges — whether war or depression, natural disasters or terrorist attacks — by coming together around our common ideals as one nation, as one people. So long as we stay true to that tradition, I have no doubt America will prevail.''' ==== Commemoration of the 150th Anniversary of the 13th Amendment (December 2015) ==== [[File:Desperate Conflict in a Barn.png|thumb|We would do a disservice to those warriors of justice -- [[Harriet Tubman|Tubman]], and [[Frederick Douglass|Douglass]], and Lincoln, and [[Martin Luther King, Jr.|King]] -- were we to deny that the scars of our nation’s original sin are still with us today. We condemn ourselves to shackles once more if we fail to answer those who wonder if they’re truly equals in their communities, or in their justice systems, or in a job interview. We betray the efforts of the past if we fail to push back against bigotry in all its forms.]] [[File:Brooklyn Museum - A Ride for Liberty -- The Fugitive Slaves - Eastman Johnson - overall.jpg|thumb|We betray our most noble past as well if we were to deny the possibility of movement, the possibility of progress; if we were to let cynicism consume us and fear overwhelm us. [...] For however slow, however incomplete, however harshly, loudly, rudely challenged at each point along our journey, in America, we can create the change that we seek.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/12/09/remarks-president-commemoration-150th-anniversary-13th-amendment Remarks by the President at Commemoration of the 150th Anniversary of the 13th Amendment at the U.S. Capitol in Washington, D.C.] (9 December 2015)</small> * “In giving freedom to the slave, we assure freedom to the free.” That’s what [[Abraham Lincoln|President Lincoln]] once wrote. “Honorable alike in what we give, and what we preserve. We shall nobly save, or meanly lose, the last best hope of earth.” Mr. Speaker, leaders and members of both parties, distinguished guests: We gather here to commemorate a century and a half of freedom -- not simply for former slaves, but for all of us. Today, '''the issue of chattel [[slavery]]''' seems so simple, so obvious -- it '''is wrong in every sense. Stealing men, women, and children from their homelands. Tearing husband from wife, parent from child; stripped and sold to the highest bidder; shackled in chains and bloodied with the whip. It’s antithetical not only to our conception of human rights and dignity, but to our conception of ourselves -- a people founded on the premise that all are created equal.''' * At its heart, the question of slavery was never simply about civil rights. It was about the meaning of America, the kind of country we wanted to be –- whether this nation might fulfill the call of its birth: '''“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights,” that among those are life and liberty and the pursuit of happiness. President Lincoln understood that if we were ever to fully realize that founding promise, it meant not just signing an Emancipation Proclamation, not just winning a war. It meant making the most powerful collective statement we can in our democracy: etching our values into our Constitution.''' He called it “a King’s cure for all the evils.” '''[[w:Thirteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution|A hundred and fifty years proved the cure to be necessary but not sufficient.]]''' Progress proved halting, too often deferred. Newly freed slaves may have been liberated by the letter of the law, but their daily lives told another tale. They couldn’t vote. They couldn’t fill most occupations. They couldn’t protect themselves or their families from indignity or from violence. '''And so abolitionists and freedmen and women and radical Republicans kept cajoling and kept rabble-rousing, and within a few years of the [[American Civil War|war]]’s end at [[w:Appomattox Court House National Historical Park|Appomattox]], we passed two more amendments guaranteeing [[w:Fifteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution|voting rights]], [[w:Fourteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution|birthright citizenship, equal protection under the law]].''' * And '''that’s what we celebrate today. The long arc of progress. Progress that is never assured, never guaranteed, but always possible, always there to be earned -– no matter how stuck we might seem sometimes. No matter how divided or despairing we may appear. No matter what ugliness may bubble up. Progress, so long as we’re willing to push for it; so long as we’re willing to reach for each other.''' * '''We would do a disservice to those warriors of justice -- [[Harriet Tubman|Tubman]], and [[Frederick Douglass|Douglass]], and Lincoln, and [[Martin Luther King, Jr.|King]] -- were we to deny that the scars of our nation’s original sin are still with us today. We condemn ourselves to shackles once more if we fail to answer those who wonder if they’re truly equals in their communities, or in their justice systems, or in a job interview. We betray the efforts of the past if we fail to push back against bigotry in all its forms.''' * But '''we betray our most noble past as well if we were to deny the possibility of movement, the possibility of progress; if we were to let cynicism consume us and fear overwhelm us. If we lost hope. For however slow, however incomplete, however harshly, loudly, rudely challenged at each point along our journey''', in America, '''we can create the change that we seek. All it requires is that our generation be willing to do what those who came before us have done: To rise above the cynicism and rise above the fear, to hold fast to our values, to see ourselves in each other, to cherish dignity and opportunity not just for our own children but for somebody else’s child. To remember that our freedom is bound up with the freedom of others -– regardless of what they look like or where they come from or what their last name is or what faith they practice. To be honorable alike in what we give, and what we preserve. To nobly save, or meanly lose, the last best hope of Earth. To nobly save, or meanly lose, the last best hope of Earth. That is our choice. Today, we affirm hope.''' ==== Naturalization Ceremony speech (December 2015) ==== [[File:Flag-lens-flare.jpg|thumb|We can never say it often or loudly enough: Immigrants and refugees revitalize and renew America.]] [[File:Great Seal of the United States (obverse).svg|thumb|The tension throughout our history between welcoming or rejecting the stranger, it’s about more than just immigration. It’s about the meaning of America, what kind of country do we want to be. It’s about the capacity of each generation to honor the creed as old as our founding: “E Pluribus Unum” -- that out of many, we are one.]] [[File:Naturalization ceremony at Kennedy Space Center.jpg|thumb|Our system of self-government depends on ordinary citizens doing the hard, frustrating but always essential work of citizenship -- of being informed. Of understanding that the government isn’t some distant thing, but is you. Of speaking out when something is not right. Of helping fellow citizens when they need a hand. Of coming together to shape our country’s course.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/12/15/remarks-president-naturalization-ceremony Remarks by the President at Naturalization Ceremony at National Archives in Washington, D.C.] (15 December 2015).</small> * Just about every nation in the world, to some extent, admits immigrants. But '''there’s something unique about America. We don’t simply welcome new immigrants, we don’t simply welcome new arrivals -- we are born of immigrants.''' That is who we are. '''Immigration is our origin story. And for more than two centuries, it’s remained at the core of our national character; it’s our oldest tradition. It’s who we are. It’s part of what makes us exceptional.''' * '''We can never say it often or loudly enough: Immigrants and refugees revitalize and renew America.''' * '''We celebrate this history, this heritage, as an immigrant nation. And we are strong enough to acknowledge, as painful as it may be, that we haven’t always lived up to our own ideals.''' We haven’t always lived up to these documents. [...] '''We succumbed to fear. We betrayed not only our fellow Americans, but our deepest values.''' We betrayed these documents. It’s happened before. '''And the biggest irony of course was -- is that those who betrayed these values were themselves the children of immigrants. How quickly we forget. One generation passes, two generation passes, and suddenly we don’t remember where we came from. And we suggest that somehow there is “us” and there is “them,” not remembering we used to be “them.”''' * On days like today, '''we need to resolve never to repeat mistakes like that again. We must resolve to always speak out against hatred and bigotry in all of its forms''' -- whether taunts against the child of an immigrant farmworker or threats against a Muslim shopkeeper. '''We are Americans. Standing up for each other is what the values enshrined in the documents in this room compels us to do -– especially when it’s hard. Especially when it’s not convenient. That’s when it counts. That’s when it matters -- not when things are easy, but when things are hard.''' * '''The truth is, being an American is hard. Being part of a democratic government is hard. Being a citizen is hard. It is a challenge. It’s supposed to be. There’s no respite from our ideals. All of us are called to live up to our expectations for ourselves -- not just when it’s convenient, but when it’s inconvenient. When it’s tough. When we’re afraid. The tension throughout our history between welcoming or rejecting the stranger, it’s about more than just immigration. It’s about the meaning of America, what kind of country do we want to be. It’s about the capacity of each generation to honor the creed as old as our founding: “E Pluribus Unum” -- that out of many, we are one.''' * '''America: A place where we can be a part of something bigger. A place where we can contribute our talents and fulfill our ambitions and secure new opportunity for ourselves and for others. A place where we can retain pride in our heritage, but where we recognize that we have a common creed, a loyalty to these documents, a loyalty to our democracy; where we can criticize our government, but understand that we love it; where we agree to live together even when we don’t agree with each other; where we work through the democratic process, and not through violence or sectarianism to resolve disputes; where we live side by side as neighbors; and where our children know themselves to be a part of this nation, no longer strangers, but the bedrock of this nation, the essence of this nation.''' * '''Our system of self-government depends on ordinary citizens doing the hard, frustrating but always essential work of citizenship -- of being informed. Of understanding that the government isn’t some distant thing, but is you. Of speaking out when something is not right. Of helping fellow citizens when they need a hand. Of coming together to shape our country’s course. And that work gives purpose to every generation.''' It belongs to me. It belongs to the judge. It belongs to you. '''It belongs to''' you, '''all of us, as citizens. To follow our laws, yes, but also to engage with your communities and to speak up for what you believe in. And to vote -- to not only exercise the rights that are now yours, but to stand up for the rights of others.''' * '''If you ever wonder whether America is big enough to hold multitudes, strong enough to withstand the forces of change, brave enough to live up to our ideals even in times of trial, then look to the generations of ordinary citizens who have proven again and again that we are worthy of that. That’s our great inheritance -- what ordinary people have done to build this country and make these words live. And it’s our generation’s task to follow their example in this journey -- to keep building an America where no matter who we are or what we look like, or who we love or what we believe, we can make of our lives what we will. You will not and should not forget your history and your past. That adds to the richness of American life. But you are now American. You’ve got obligations as citizens. And I’m absolutely confident you will meet them.''' ===2016=== [[File:Donald Trump Pentagon 2017.jpg|thumb|I continue to believe that [[Donald Trump|Mr. Trump]] will not be president.]] [[File:Handshake between the President and Cuban President Raúl Castro.jpg|thumb| My view is that this is the [[beginning]], not the [[end]], of what is going to be a [[journey]] that takes some [[time]].]] [[File:Smithsonian-nmaahc-outside-20160720.jpg|thumb|right|History helps us recognize the mistakes that we’ve made and the dark corners of the human spirit that we need to guard against.]] [[File:J C W Beyer Veritas KGM 90-434.jpg|thumb|right|A great nation doesn’t shy from the truth. It strengthens us. It emboldens us.]] [[File:Gari-Melchers-Peace-Highsmith.jpeg|thumb|right|True security comes through making peace with your neighbors.]] [[File:Statue de la liberté c.1905.jpg|thumb|right|If you look out over the arc of history, human beings should be filled not with fear but with hope.]] [[File:Fountain of Time full front.jpg|thumb|right|It is better to live to the very end of his time on Earth with a longing not for the past but for the dreams that have not yet come true.]] * The Constitution is pretty clear about what is supposed to happen now. When there is a vacancy on the Supreme Court, the President of the United States is to nominate someone. The Senate is to consider that nomination, and either they disapprove of that nominee or that nominee is elevated to the Supreme Court. Historically, this has not been viewed as a question. There's no unwritten law that says that it can only be done on off years – that's not in the constitutional text. ** [https://obamawhitehouse.archives.gov/the-press-office/2016/02/16/remarks-president-obama-us-asean-press-conference "Remarks by President Obama at U.S.-ASEAN Press Conference"] (16 February 2016) * I continue to believe that [[Donald Trump|Mr. Trump]] will not be president. And the reason is because I have a lot of faith in the American people. ** Speaking at the Asean economic summit in California, as quoted in [http://www.bbc.com/news/election-us-2016-35592948 "Donald Trump will not be president, says Barack Obama"], ''BBC'' (17 February 2016) * '''My view is that this is the [[beginning]], not the [[end]], of what is going to be a [[journey]] that takes some [[time]].''' ** As quoted in [http://www.cnn.com/2016/03/20/politics/obama-cuba-arrival-change/ "Obama arrives in Cuba; hopes visit will usher in change" by Kevin Liptak, at ''CNN'' (20 March 2016)] * '''Real power means you can get what you want without having to exert violence.''' ** In late January 2016, as quoted in [http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2016/04/the-obama-doctrine/471525/ "The Obama Doctrine" by Jeffrey Goldberg, in ''The Atlantic'' (April 2016)] * Iran so far has followed the letter of the agreement, but the spirit of the agreement involves Iran also sending signals to the world community and businesses that it is not going to be engaging in a range of provocative actions that might scare business off. '''When they launch ballistic missiles with slogans calling for the destruction of Israel, that makes businesses nervous.''' ** As quoted in [http://www.reuters.com/article/us-nuclear-summit-obama-iran-idUSKCN0WY4W3 "U.S. to clarify Iran rules, but Tehran must reassure wary firms"] (April 2016) * We belong on the cutting edge of innovation. That's an idea as old as America itself. We're a nation of tinkerers, and dreamers, and believers in a better tomorrow. ** Remarks about the first White House Science Fair in 2010. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NxEch5nsNkk “It’s a prototype!” Tune in for President Obama’s Last Science Fair, April 13th] (quote from video published on April 12, 2016) * I think it's fair to say that maybe some point down the line, there might be a UK-U.S. trade agreement, but it's not going to happen anytime soon, because our focus is in negotiating with a big bloc, the European Union, to get a trade agreement done, and the UK is going to be in the back of the queue. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/04/22/remarks-president-obama-and-prime-minister-cameron-joint-press Remarks by the President Obama and Prime Minister Cameron in Joint Press Conference] (22 April 2016). [http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2016/apr/22/barack-obama-brexit-uk-back-of-queue-for-trade-talks "Barack Obama: Brexit would put UK 'back of the queue' for trade talks"], ''The Guardian''. *Right outside the door of the Treaty Room, so that I see it every day - including on weekends when I'm going into that office to watch a basketball game - the primary image I see is a bust of Winston Churchill. It's there voluntarily because I can do anything on the second floor. I love the guy. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-36112694 Obama hits back at Boris Johnson's alleged smears], ''BBC News'', 22 April 2016 * The end of the Republic has never looked better. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/05/01/remarks-president-white-house-correspondents-dinner Remarks by the President at the White House Correspondents' Dinner] (April 30, 2016) * Look, I’ve said how much I admire Hillary’s toughness, her smarts, her policy chops, her experience. You’ve got to admit it, though, Hillary trying to appeal to young voters is a little bit like your relative just signed up for Facebook. "Dear America, did you get my poke? Is it appearing on your wall? I'm not sure I am using this right. Love, Aunt Hillary." It's not entirely persuasive. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/05/01/remarks-president-white-house-correspondents-dinner Remarks by the President at the White House Correspondents' Dinner] (April 30, 2016) * There's been a trend around the country of trying to get college to disinvite speakers with a different point of view or disrupt a politician's rally. Don't do that, no matter how ridiculous or offensive you might find the things that come out of their mouths... If the other side has a point, learn from them! If they're wrong, rebut them, teach them, beat them on the battlefield of ideas! ** Commencement speech at Howard University, as quoted in [http://www.mediaite.com/tv/obama-students-need-to-stop-shutting-down-speech-of-people-they-disagree-with/ "Obama: Students Need to Stop Shutting Down Speech of People They Disagree With"] by Josh Feldman, ''Mediaite'' (7 May 2016) * '''Big nations should not bully smaller ones. Disputes should be resolved peacefully.''' ** [http://edition.cnn.com/2016/05/24/politics/obama-vietnam-south-china-sea/ Obama raises human rights in Vietnam, calls for 'peaceful resolution' of South China Sea disputes], ''CNN'' (24 May 2016) * '''War, no matter what our intentions may be, brings suffering and tragedy.''' ** [http://edition.cnn.com/2016/05/24/politics/obama-vietnam-south-china-sea/ Obama raises human rights in Vietnam, calls for 'peaceful resolution' of South China Sea disputes], ''CNN'' (24 May 2016) * '''It’s very hard to prosper in this modern economy if you haven’t fully unleashed the potential of your people. And''' your '''people’s potential, in part, derives from their ability to express themselves and express new ideas, to try to right wrongs that are taking place in the society.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/05/24/remarks-president-obama-after-meeting-vietnamese-civil-society-leaders Remarks by President Obama After Meeting with Vietnamese Civil Society Leaders at JW Marriott Hotel Hanoi in Hanoi, Vietnam (May 24, 2016)] * There are many sites around the world that chronicle [[World War II|this war]] -- memorials that tell stories of courage and heroism; graves and empty camps that echo of unspeakable depravity. Yet in the image of [[Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki|a mushroom cloud that rose into these skies]], we are most starkly reminded of humanity’s core contradiction; how '''the very spark that marks us as a species -- our thoughts, our imagination, our language, our tool-making, our ability to set ourselves apart from nature and bend it to our will''' -- those very things '''also give us the capacity for unmatched destruction. [...] Science allows us to communicate across the seas and fly above the clouds; to cure disease and understand the cosmos. But those same discoveries can be turned into ever-more efficient killing machines.''' The wars of the modern age teach this truth. [[Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki|Hiroshima]] teaches this truth. '''Technological progress without an equivalent progress in human institutions can doom us.''' The scientific revolution that led to the splitting of an atom requires a moral revolution, as well. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/05/27/remarks-president-obama-and-prime-minister-abe-japan-hiroshima-peace Remarks by President Obama and Prime Minister Abe of Japan at Hiroshima Peace Memorial at Hiroshima Peace Memorial in Hiroshima, Japan (May 27, 2016)] * But for those folks who have lost their job right now because a plant went down the Mexico, that isn't going to make you feel better. And so what we have to do is to make sure that folks are trained for the jobs that are coming in now because some of those jobs of the past are just not going to come back, and when somebody says, like [[Donald Trump|the person you just mentioned]] who I'm not going to advertise for, that he's going to bring all these jobs back, well how exactly are you going to do that? What are you going to do? There's — there's no answer to it. He just says, "Well, I'm going to negotiate a better deal." Well, how — what — how exactly are you going to negotiate that? What magic wand do you have? And usually, the answer is he doesn't have an answer. ** [http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/questions-for-president-obama-a-town-hall-special/ Questions for President Obama: A Town Hall Special] with Gwen Ifill, ''PBS NewsHour'' (1 June 2016) * We saw in San Jose these protesters starting to pelt stuff [at] Trump supporters. That's not what our democracy is about. That's not what you do. '''There's no room for violence. There's no place for shouting. There's no room for a politics that fails to at least listen to the other side — even if you vehemently disagree.''' ** At a DNC fundraiser in Florida, as quoted in [http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/282199-obama-on-anti-trump-violence-thats-not-what-our-democracy-is "Obama condemns violence at Trump rally"] by Evelyn Rupert, ''The Hill'' (3 June 2016) * When people say "Black Lives Matter," that doesn't mean blue lives don't matter; it just means all lives matter, but right now the big concern is the fact that the data shows black folks are more vulnerable to these kinds of incidents. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/07/07/statement-president Statement by the President] (7 July 2016) * '''We flood communities with so many guns that it is easier for a teenager to buy a [[w:Glock|Glock]] than get his hands on a computer or even a book.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/07/12/remarks-president-memorial-service-fallen-dallas-police-officers Remarks by the President at Memorial Service for Fallen Dallas Police Officers] (12 July 2016) *<p>One of the great things about America is that individual citizens and groups of citizens can petition their government, can protest, can speak truth to power. And that is sometimes messy and controversial. But because of that ability to protest and engage in free speech, America, over time, has gotten better. We've all benefited from that. </p><p>The [[Abolitionism|abolition movement]] was contentious. The effort for women to get the right to vote was contentious and messy. There were times when activists might have engaged in rhetoric that was overheated and occasionally counterproductive. But the point was to raise issues so that we, as a society, could grapple with it. The same was true with the Civil Rights Movement, the union movement, the environmental movement, the anti-war movement during Vietnam. And I think what you're seeing now is part of that longstanding tradition. </p><p>What I would say is this -- that whenever those of us who are concerned about fairness in the criminal justice system attack police officers, you are doing a disservice to the cause. First of all, any violence directed at police officers is a reprehensible crime and needs to be prosecuted. But even rhetorically, if we paint police in broad brush, without recognizing that the vast majority of police officers are doing a really good job and are trying to protect people and do so fairly and without racial bias, if our rhetoric does not recognize that, then we're going to lose allies in the reform cause.</p><p>Now, in a movement like [[w:Black Lives Matter|Black Lives Matter]], there's always going to be some folks who say things that are stupid, or imprudent, or overgeneralized, or harsh. And I don't think that you can hold well-meaning activists who are doing the right thing and peacefully protesting responsible for everything that is uttered at a protest site.</p> ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/07/10/remarks-president-obama-and-prime-minister-rajoy-spain-after-bilateral Remarks by President Obama and Prime Minister Rajoy of Spain After Bilateral Meeting] (10 July 2016) * If police organizations and departments acknowledge that there's a problem and there's an issue, then that, too, is going to contribute to real solutions. And, as I said yesterday, that is what's going to ultimately help make the job of being a cop a lot safer. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/07/10/remarks-president-obama-and-prime-minister-rajoy-spain-after-bilateral Remarks by President Obama and Prime Minister Rajoy of Spain After Bilateral Meeting] (10 July 2016) * '''Our hearts go out to those who may have been injured.''' It’s still an active situation. And Germany is one of our closest allies, so we are going to pledge all the support that they may need in dealing with these circumstances. '''It's a good reminder of something that I've said over the last couple of weeks, which is our way of life -- our freedoms, our ability to go about our business every day, raising our kids and seeing them grow up and graduate from high school''' -- and now about to leave their dad -- (laughter) -- I'm sorry, I'm getting a little too personal -- getting a little too personal there -- (laughter) -- that '''depends on law enforcement. It depends on the men and women in uniform every single day who are, under some of the most adverse circumstances imaginable at times, making sure to keep us safe.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/07/22/remarks-president-drop-21st-century-policing-event Remarks by the President at a Drop-By of 21st Century Policing Event] (22 July 2016). Quoted in: [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3703975/Grinning-Obama-JOKES-Munich-carnage-press-conference-shifts-gears-talk-daughter-Malia-leaving-nest-college.html "Grinning Obama JOKES during statement on Munich carnage as he shifts gears to say he'll miss daughter Malia when she leaves the nest for college"] by David Martosko, ''Daily Mail'' (22 July 2016). * If you you're in the United States, sometimes you can feel [[lazy]] and think we're so big we don't have to really know anything about other people. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/09/07/remarks-president-obama-yseali-town-hall Remarks by President Obama at YSEALI Town Hall] (7 September 2016) * Usually, if you see the environment destroyed, it’s not because that's necessary for development. It's usually because we're being lazy, and we're not being as creative as we could be about how to do it in a smarter, sustainable way. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/09/07/remarks-president-obama-yseali-town-hall Remarks by President Obama at YSEALI Town Hall] (7 September 2016) * My name may not be on the ballot, but our progress is on the ballot. Tolerance is on the ballot. Democracy is on the ballot. Justice is on the ballot. Good schools are on the ballot. Ending mass incarceration – that's on the ballot right now! And there is one candidate who will advance those things. And there's another candidate whose defining principle, the central theme of his candidacy is opposition to all that we've done. There's no such thing as a vote that doesn't matter. It all matters. And after we have achieved historic turnout in 2008 and 2012, especially in the African-American community, I will consider it a personal insult, an insult to my legacy, if this community lets down its guard and fails to activate itself in this election. You want to give me a good sendoff? Go vote. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/09/18/remarks-president-congressional-black-caucus-foundation-46th-annual Remarks by the President at Congressional Black Caucus Foundation 46th Annual Phoenix Awards Dinner] (18 September 2016) * The great historian John Hope Franklin, who helped to get this museum started, once said, “Good history is a good foundation for a better present and future.” He understood '''the best history doesn’t just sit behind a glass case; it helps us to understand what’s outside the case. The best history helps us recognize the mistakes that we’ve made and the dark corners of the human spirit that we need to guard against. And, yes, a clear-eyed view of history can make us uncomfortable, and shake us out of familiar narratives. But it is precisely because of that discomfort that we learn and grow and harness our collective power to make this nation more perfect.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/09/24/remarks-president-dedication-national-museum-african-american-history Remarks by the President at the Dedication of the National Museum of African American History and Culture at the National Mall in Washington, D.C.] (24 September 2016) * As [[George W. Bush|President Bush]] just said, '''a great nation doesn’t shy from the truth. It strengthens us. It emboldens us. It should fortify us.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/09/24/remarks-president-dedication-national-museum-african-american-history Remarks by the President at the Dedication of the National Museum of African American History and Culture at the National Mall in Washington, D.C.] (24 September 2016) * But he understood from hard-earned experience that '''true security comes through making peace with your neighbors.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/09/30/remarks-president-obama-memorial-service-former-israeli-president-shimon Remarks by President Obama at Memorial Service for Former Israeli President Shimon Peres on Mount Herzl in Jerusalem, Israel.] (30 September 2016) * He knew, better than the cynic, that '''if you look out over the arc of history, human beings should be filled not with fear but with hope.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/09/30/remarks-president-obama-memorial-service-former-israeli-president-shimon Remarks by President Obama at Memorial Service for Former Israeli President Shimon Peres on Mount Herzl in Jerusalem, Israel.] (30 September 2016) * But he understood that '''it is better to live to the very end of his time on Earth with a longing not for the past but for the dreams that have not yet come true''' -- an Israel that is secure in a just and lasting peace with its neighbors. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/09/30/remarks-president-obama-memorial-service-former-israeli-president-shimon Remarks by President Obama at Memorial Service for Former Israeli President Shimon Peres on Mount Herzl in Jerusalem, Israel.] (30 September 2016) * I've got the economy set up well for him. No facts, no consequences, they can just have a cartoon. ** [https://www.nytimes.com/2018/05/30/us/politics/obama-reaction-trump-election-benjamin-rhodes.html In response to Donald Trump's election victory]. (November 2016) * The demographics of the country are going to change. It's inevitable. The Latino community in America is going to grow. If you stopped all immigration today, just by virtue of birth rates, this is going to be a browner country. ** [http://www.npr.org/2016/12/19/504998487/transcript-and-video-nprs-exit-interview-with-president-obama NPR's Exit Interview With President Obama] (19 December 2016) * No foreign terrorist organization has successfully planned and executed an attack on our homeland. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/12/06/remarks-president-administrations-approach-counterterrorism Remarks by the President on the Administration's Approach to Counterterrorism] (6 December 2016) ====State of the Union address (January 2016)==== [[File:USMC War Memorial Night.jpg|thumb|Leadership means a wise application of military power, and rallying the world behind causes that are right.]] [[File:Suffrage universel 1848.jpg|thumb|Democracy does require basic bonds of trust between its citizens. It doesn't work if we think the people who disagree with us are all motivated by malice, it doesn't work if we think that our political opponents are unpatriotic.]] [[File:Election MG 3455.JPG|thumb|Democracy grinds to a halt without a willingness to compromise or when even basic facts are contested or when we listen only to those who agree with us. Our public life withers when only the most extreme voices get all the attention. And most of all, democracy breaks down when the average person feels their voice doesn't matter; that the system is rigged in favor of the rich or the powerful or some special interest.]] :<small>[https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/01/12/what-obama-said-in-his-state-of-the-union-address-and-what-it-meant/?tid=pm_politics_pop_b State of the Union address] (12 January 2016), Washington, D.C.</small> *Our best corporate citizens are also our most creative... Sixty years ago, when the Russians beat us into space, we didn’t deny Sputnik was up there. We didn't argue about the science, or shrink our research and development budget. We built a space program almost overnight, and twelve years later, we were walking on the moon. That spirit of discovery is in our DNA. We're Thomas Edison and the Wright Brothers and George Washington Carver. We're Grace Hopper and Katherine Johnson and Sally Ride. We're every immigrant and entrepreneur from Boston to Austin to Silicon Valley racing to shape a better world. And over the past seven years, we've nurtured that spirit. *The United States of America is the most powerful nation on Earth. Period. It's not even close. We spend more on our military than the next eight nations combined. Our troops are the finest fighting force in the history of the world. No nation dares to attack us or our allies because they know that's the path to ruin. Surveys show our standing around the world is high... When it comes to every important international issue, people of the world do not look to Beijing or Moscow to lead; they call us. *As we focus on destroying ISIL, over-the-top claims that this is World War III just play into their hands. Masses of fighters on the back of pickup trucks and twisted souls plotting in apartments or garages pose an enormous danger to civilians and must be stopped. But they do not threaten our national existence. That’s the story ISIL wants to tell; that’s the kind of propaganda they use to recruit. We don’t need to build them up to show that we’re serious, nor do we need to push away vital allies in this fight by echoing the lie that ISIL is representative of one of the world’s largest religions. We just need to call them what they are — killers and fanatics who have to be rooted out, hunted down, and destroyed. *When politicians insult Muslims, when a mosque is vandalized, or a kid bullied, that doesn’t make us safer. That’s not telling it like it is. It’s just wrong. It diminishes us in the eyes of the world. It makes it harder to achieve our goals. And it betrays who we are as a country... What I’m asking for is hard. It’s easier to be cynical; to accept that change isn’t possible, and politics is hopeless, and to believe that our voices and actions don’t matter. But if we give up now, then we forsake a better future. Those with money and power will gain greater control over the decisions that could send a young soldier to war, or allow another economic disaster, or roll back the equal rights and voting rights that generations of Americans have fought, even died, to secure. As frustration grows, there will be voices urging us to fall back into tribes, to scapegoat fellow citizens who don’t look like us, or pray like us, or vote like we do, or share the same background. We can’t afford to go down that path. It won’t deliver the economy we want, or the security we want, but most of all, it contradicts everything that makes us the envy of the world. * '''When you come after Americans, we go after you. It may take time, but we have long memories, and our reach has no limit.''' * '''Leadership means a wise application of military power, and rallying the world behind causes that are right.''' It means seeing our foreign assistance as part of our national security, not something separate, not charity. *We need to reject any politics that targets people because of race or religion. This isn’t a matter of political correctness. It’s a matter of understanding what makes us strong. The world respects us not just for our arsenal; it respects us for our diversity and our openness and the way we respect every faith. * But '''democracy does require basic bonds of trust between its citizens. It doesn't &ndash; it doesn't work if we think the people who disagree with us are all motivated by malice, it doesn't work if we think that our political opponents are unpatriotic''' or trying to weaken America. '''Democracy grinds to a halt without a willingness to compromise or when even basic facts are contested or when we listen only to those who agree with us. Our public life withers when only the most extreme voices get all the attention. And most of all, democracy breaks down when the average person feels their voice doesn't matter; that the system is rigged in favor of the rich or the powerful or some special interest.''' [...] So, my fellow Americans, '''whatever you may believe, whether you prefer one party or no party,''' whether you supported my agenda or fought as hard as you could against it, '''our collective futures depends on your willingness to uphold your duties as a citizen, to vote, to speak out, to stand up for others, especially the weak, especially the vulnerable, knowing that each of us is only here because somebody somewhere stood up for us.''' We need every American to stay active in our public life and not just during election time so that our public life reflects the goodness and the decency that I see in the American people every single day. ====Remarks to the People of Cuba (March 2016)==== [[File:Hartfordobama.jpg|thumb|We should not fear change, we should embrace it.]] [[File:Suffrage universel 1848.jpg|thumb|The ideals that are the starting point for every revolution find their truest expression in democracy. [...] It gives individuals the capacity to be catalysts to think in new ways, and to reimagine how our society should be, and to make them better.]] [[File:As08-16-2593.jpg|thumb|Sometimes the most important changes start in small places. The tides of history can leave people in conflict and exile and poverty. It takes time for those circumstances to change. But the recognition of a common humanity, the reconciliation of people bound by blood and a belief in one another -- that’s where progress begins.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/03/22/remarks-president-obama-people-cuba Remarks by President Obama to the People of Cuba at Gran Teatro de la Habana in Havana, Cuba on March 22, 2016]</small> * And this is yet another reminder that '''the world must unite, we must be together, regardless of nationality, or race, or faith, in fighting against the scourge of terrorism. We can -- and will -- defeat those who threaten the safety and security of people all around the world.''' * For all of our differences, '''the Cuban and American people share common values in their own lives. A sense of patriotism and a sense of pride -- a lot of pride. A profound love of family. A passion for our children, a commitment to their education. And that's why I believe our grandchildren will look back on this period of isolation as an aberration, as just one chapter in a longer story of family and of friendship. But we cannot, and should not, ignore the very real differences that we have -- about how we organize our governments, our economies, and our societies.''' Cuba has a one-party system; the United States is a multi-party democracy. Cuba has a socialist economic model; the United States is an open market. Cuba has emphasized the role and rights of the state; the United States is founded upon the rights of the individual. * And I've always believed in what Martin Luther King, Jr. called “the fierce urgency of now” -- '''we should not fear change, we should embrace it.''' * And today, I want to share with you my vision of what our future can be. I want the Cuban people -- especially the young people -- to understand why I believe that '''you should look to the future with hope; not the false promise which insists that things are better than they really are, or the blind optimism that says all your problems can go away tomorrow. Hope that is rooted in the future that you can choose and that you can shape, and that you can build for your country.''' * And I can tell you as a friend that '''sustainable prosperity in the 21st century depends upon education, health care, and environmental protection. But it also depends on the free and open exchange of ideas. If you can’t access information online, if you cannot be exposed to different points of view, you will not reach your full potential. And over time, the youth will lose hope.''' * Before 1959, some Americans saw Cuba as something to exploit, ignored poverty, enabled corruption. And since 1959, we’ve been shadow-boxers in this battle of geopolitics and personalities. '''I know the history, but I refuse to be trapped by it.''' * '''I believe that every person should be equal under the law. Every child deserves the dignity that comes with education, and health care and food on the table and a roof over their heads. I believe citizens should be free to speak their mind without fear to organize, and to criticize their government, and to protest peacefully, and that the rule of law should not include arbitrary detentions of people who exercise those rights. I believe that every person should have the freedom to practice their faith peacefully and publicly. And, yes, I believe voters should be able to choose their governments in free and democratic elections. Not everybody agrees with me on this.''' Not everybody agrees with the American people on this. '''But I believe those human rights are universal. I believe they are the rights of the American people, the Cuban people, and people around the world.''' * '''We do have challenges with racial bias -- in our communities, in our criminal justice system, in our society -- the legacy of slavery and segregation. But the fact that we have open debates within America’s own democracy is what allows us to get better.''' In 1959, the year that my father moved to America, it was illegal for him to marry my mother, who was white, in many American states. When I first started school, we were still struggling to desegregate schools across the American South. But '''people organized; they protested; they debated these issues; they challenged government officials. And because of those protests, and because of those debates, and because of popular mobilization, I’m able to stand here today as an African-American and as President of the United States. That was because of the freedoms that were afforded in the United States that we were able to bring about change.''' * '''There’s still enormous problems in our society. But democracy is the way that we solve them. That's how we got health care for more of our people.''' That's how we made enormous gains in women’s rights and gay rights. That's how we address the inequality that concentrates so much wealth at the top of our society. '''Because workers can organize and ordinary people have a voice, American democracy has given our people the opportunity to pursue their dreams and enjoy a high standard of living.''' * '''The ideals that are the starting point for every revolution''' -- America’s revolution, Cuba’s revolution, the liberation movements around the world -- those ideals '''find their truest expression, I believe, in democracy.''' Not because American democracy is perfect, but precisely because we’re not. '''And we -- like every country -- need the space that democracy gives us to change. It gives individuals the capacity to be catalysts to think in new ways, and to reimagine how our society should be, and to make them better.''' * There’s already an evolution taking place inside of Cuba, a generational change. Many suggested that I come here and ask the people of Cuba to tear something down -- but I’m appealing to the young people of Cuba who will lift something up, build something new. * '''Sometimes the most important changes start in small places. The tides of history can leave people in conflict and exile and poverty. It takes time for those circumstances to change. But the recognition of a common humanity, the reconciliation of people bound by blood and a belief in one another -- that’s where progress begins. Understanding, and listening, and forgiveness.''' ====Young Leaders of the Americas Initiative Town Hall (March 2016)==== [[File:Press conference, Havana.jpg|thumb|Engagement and dialogue is more powerful than isolation.]] [[File:John Kennedy, Nikita Khrushchev 1961.jpg|thumb|I think one of the things that's important for bringing about further progress is that we listen to each other and we understand our differences.]] [[File:Obama respondiendo preguntas usina (25987043286).jpg|thumb|[T]he most important position in a democracy is the office of citizen, because if you have citizens who are informed and know about other countries, [...] that ultimately may make us healthier.]] [[File:President Obama Delivers Remarks at the 2016 Chief of Missions Conference (25161568793).jpg|thumb|Don't just think that you elect somebody and then you expect them to solve all your problems and then you just sit back and complain when it doesn't happen. You have to work as a citizen also to provide the leaders the space and the direction to do the right thing. It's just as important for you to challenge ignorance or discrimination or people who are always thinking in terms of war.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/03/23/remarks-president-obama-young-leaders-americas-initiative-town-hall Remarks by President Obama in Young Leaders of the Americas Initiative Town Hall at Usina Del Arte in Buenos Aires, Argentina on March 23, 2016]</small> * I was honored to be the first U.S. President to visit Cuba in almost 90 years. And we still have differences with the Cuban government, but what I said to President Castro is '''we can't be imprisoned by the past. When something doesn't work for 50 years, we have to try something new.''' And I believe that '''engagement and dialogue is more powerful than isolation''', and that the changes that we're making can improve the lives of the Cuban people. * '''I believe that under the surface all people are the same. […] people are all essentially the same. Similar hopes, similar dreams, similar strengths, similar weaknesses. But we're also all bound by history and culture and habits. And so conflicts arise, in part, because of some weaknesses in human nature. When we feel threatened, then we like to strike out against people who are not like us. When change is happening too quickly, and we try to hang on to those things that we think could give us a solid foundation. And sometimes the organizing principles are around issues like race, or religion. When there are times of scarcity, then people can turn on each other.''' And so I don't underestimate the very real challenges that we continue to face, and '''I don't think it is inevitable that the world comes together in a common culture and common understanding. But overall, I am hopeful. And the reason I'm hopeful is, if you look at the trajectory of history, humanity has slowly improved.''' * And '''I think one of the things that's important for bringing about further progress is that we listen to each other and we understand our differences.''' I don't think it's necessary for us to all speak one language, or all have the same foods, or all have the same customs. But I do believe that there are some universal principles that are important. '''I believe that the most important principle is a very simple one''' that is at the heart of most of the world’s great religions, '''which is treat somebody the same way you’d want to be treated. And if you start with that basic premise, then we will continue to make progress. But I also think that in order for us to make progress, we have to have that fellow feeling and we have to combine that with the use of our brains and reason, and our intellect. […] That requires not just a strong heart, but also using our heads. And if we do those two things, then I feel confident that we'll make progress.''' * And so '''you have to be practical in asking yourself how can you achieve the goals of equality and inclusion, but also recognize that the market system produces a lot of wealth and goods and services. And it also gives individuals freedom because they have initiative.''' And so '''you don't have to be rigid in saying it’s either this or that''', you can say -- '''depending on the problem you're trying to solve, depending on the social issues that you're trying to address what works.''' And I think that what '''you’ll find is that the most successful societies, the most successful economies are ones that are rooted in a market-based system, but also recognize that a market does not work by itself. It has to have a social and moral and ethical and community basis, and there has to be inclusion. Otherwise it’s not stable. And it’s up to you -- whether you're in business or in academia or the nonprofit sector, whatever you're doing -- to create new forms that are adapted to the new conditions that we live in today.''' * '''A reason that Presidents can't just solve things right away is because every leader in every country is gathering and expressing a very particular set of interests and history and institutional arrangements.  And those interests oftentimes constrain what a leader can do, even if he or she wants to do it. […] And so what happens''' is, '''is that most politicians are constantly making decisions based on what they're hearing from their various constituencies. And their constituencies -- they want what they want. They don't want to compromise sometimes. They don't want to understand the nuances of things. And then it turns out that in politics, sometimes making somebody afraid of somebody else or creating an enemy is more successful in stirring up passion than trying to say let's understand this other person or these other people. So there are leaders who I think do a better job of focusing on the common good, and there are other leaders who are very narrowly focused on just how do I stay in power. And ultimately, if you're lucky enough to live in a democracy, then part of making sure that your leaders can act well is the citizens, the constituency, have to also be well-informed and be willing to give him or her the room to do things that may not be convenient for you right now, but may actually be the right thing to do.''' * '''[T]he most important position in a democracy''' is not the office of the President. The most important office '''is the office of citizen, because if you have citizens who are informed and know about other countries, and recognize that if we provide foreign aid to some distant country in Africa, that ultimately may make us healthier. And if you have a citizenry that recognizes that even if I have to pay slightly more in taxes — which nobody likes paying taxes -- but if I do, maybe I can provide that young child who lives in a poorer neighborhood an opportunity for a better life. And then because she has a job and a better life, she can pay taxes, and then everybody has more, and the society is better off. If you don't have citizens like that, then you're going to get leaders who think very narrowly and you'll be disappointed.''' So the job — one thing I always tell young people, '''don't just think that you elect somebody and then you expect them to solve all your problems and then you just sit back and complain when it doesn't happen. You have to work as a citizen also to provide the leaders the space and the direction to do the right thing. It's just as important for you to challenge ignorance or discrimination or people who are always thinking in terms of war''' — it's just as important for you to do that as the President because I don't care how good the person, the leader you elect is, if the people want something different. In a democracy, at least, that's what's going to happen. ==== Howard University commencement address (May 2016)==== [[File:Founders Library, Howard University.jpg|thumb|I’d like to offer some suggestions for how young [[leaders]] like you can fulfill your [[destiny]] and shape our collective [[future]] — bend it in the direction of [[justice]] and [[equality]] and [[freedom]].]] :<small> Address at [[w:Howard University|Howard University]], as quoted in [http://www.politico.com/story/2016/05/obamas-howard-commencement-transcript-222931 "Obama's full remarks at Howard University commencement ceremony]", ''Politico'' (7 May 2016)</small> * '''Racism persists. Inequality persists.''' ''Don’t worry — I’m going to get to that.'' But '''I wanted to start, Class of 2016, by opening your eyes to the [[moment]] that you are in. If you had to choose one moment in history in which you could be born, and you didn’t know ahead of time who you were going to be — what nationality, what gender, what race, whether you’d be rich or poor, gay or straight, what faith you'd be born into — you wouldn’t choose 100 years ago. You wouldn’t choose the fifties, or the sixties, or the seventies. You’d choose right [[now]].''' If you had to choose a time to be, in the words of [[Lorraine Hansberry]], “young, gifted, and black” in America, you would choose right now. <br /> '''I tell you all this because it's important to note [[progress]].''' Because to deny how far we’ve come would do a disservice to the cause of justice, to the legions of foot soldiers; to not only the incredibly accomplished individuals who have already been mentioned, but your mothers and your dads, and grandparents and great grandparents, who marched and toiled and suffered and overcame to make this day possible. '''I tell you this not to lull you into complacency, but to spur you into action — because there’s still so much more work to do, so many more miles to travel. And America needs you to gladly, happily take up that work.''' <!-- You all have some work to do. So enjoy the party, because you're going to be busy. <br /> Yes, our economy has recovered from crisis stronger than almost any other in the world. But there are folks of all races who are still hurting — who still can’t find work that pays enough to keep the lights on, who still can’t save for retirement. --> * '''I’d like to offer some suggestions for how young leaders like you can fulfill your destiny and shape our collective future — bend it in the direction of justice and equality and freedom.''' <br /> First of all — and this should not be a problem for this group — '''be confident in your heritage. … Be confident in your blackness. One of the great changes that’s occurred in our country since I was your age is the realization there's no one way to be black.''' Take it from somebody who’s seen both sides of debate about whether I'm black enough. … In the past couple months, I’ve had lunch with the [[Elizabeth I of England|Queen of England]] and hosted [[w:Kendrick Lamar|Kendrick Lamar]] in the Oval Office. There’s no straitjacket, there's no constraints, there's no litmus test for authenticity. * You can create your own style, set your own standard of beauty, embrace your own sexuality. '''Think about an icon we just lost — [[Prince (musician)|Prince]]. He blew up categories. People didn’t know what Prince was doing. … And folks loved him for it. <br /> You need to have the same confidence.''' Or as my daughters tell me all the time, “You be you, Daddy.” … Sometimes Sasha puts a variation on it — "You do you, Daddy." … And because you’re a black person doing whatever it is that you're doing, that makes it a black thing. Feel confident. ==== After the Orlando nightclub shooting (June 2016) ==== * Now, those who were killed and injured here were gunned down by a single killer with a powerful [[assault weapon]]. The motives of this killer may have been different than the mass shooters in [[2012 Aurora shooting|Aurora]] or [[Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting|Newtown]]. But the instruments of death were so similar. And now another 49 innocent people are dead; another 53 are injured; some are still fighting for their lives; some will have wounds that will last a lifetime. We can’t anticipate or catch every single deranged person that may wish to do harm to his neighbors or his friends or his coworkers or strangers. But we can do something about the amount of damage that they do. Unfortunately, our politics have conspired to make it as easy as possible for a terrorist or just a disturbed individual like those in Aurora and Newtown to buy extraordinarily powerful weapons, and they can do so legally. ** In [[w:Orlando, Florida|Orlando]] after the [[w:Orlando nightclub shooting|Orlando nightclub shooting]] ({{cite news |title=President Obama: Orlando Families' Grief Is 'Beyond Description' |magazine=Time |first=Maya |last=Rhodan |date=June 16, 2016 |accessdate=September 2, 2018 |url=http://time.com/4372190/orlando-shooting-barack-obama-joe-biden-grief/}}; {{cite news |title=‘Our hearts are broken, too’: Obama visits survivors of Orlando rampage |first1=Katie |last1=Zezima |first2=Ellen |last2=Nakashima |first3=Mark |last4=Berman |date=June 16, 2016 |accessdate=September 2, 2018 |newspaper=[[w:The Washington Post|The Washington Post]] |url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-nation/wp/2016/06/16/obama-looks-toward-grieving-orlando-in-visit-as-political-showdowns-expand-after-massacre/}}; {{cite news |title=After meeting with Orlando victims, Obama renews call for gun control |first=Gregory |last=Korte |newspaper=[[w:USA Today|USA Today]] |date=June 16, 2016 |accessdate=September 6, 2018 |url=https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2016/06/16/obama-biden-visit-orlando-emotional-visit-after-shooting/85973066/}}). ====Memorial Service for Fallen Dallas Police Officers (July 2016)==== [[File:"Colored" drinking fountain from mid-20th century with african-american drinking.jpg|thumb|Race relations have improved dramatically in my lifetime. Those who deny it are dishonoring the struggles that helped us achieve that progress.]] [[File:Black Lives Matter protest, Mall of America, December 2014.jpg|thumb|In the end, it's not about finding policies that work; it’s about forging consensus, and fighting cynicism, and finding the will to make change. Can we do this? Can we find the character, as Americans, to open our hearts to each other? Can we see in each other a common humanity and a shared dignity, and recognize how our different experiences have shaped us?]] [[File:Obama respondiendo preguntas usina (25987043286).jpg|thumb|For all of us, life presents challenges and suffering -- accidents, illnesses, the loss of loved ones. There are times when we are overwhelmed by sudden calamity, natural or manmade. All of us, we make mistakes. And at times we are lost. [...] But we do have control over how we respond to the world. We do have control over how we treat one another. ]] [[File:Auschwitz-hope after terror.jpg|thumb|Hope does not arise by putting our fellow man down; it is found by lifting others up.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/07/12/remarks-president-memorial-service-fallen-dallas-police-officers Remarks by President Obama at Memorial Service for Fallen Dallas Police Officers at Morton H. Meyerson Symphony Center in Dallas, Texas on July 12, 2016] in response to the [[w:2016 shooting of Dallas police officers|2016 shooting of Dallas police officers]]</small> * '''Scripture tells us that in our sufferings there is glory, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Sometimes the truths of these words are hard to see. Right now, those words test us. Because [[w:2016 shooting of Dallas police officers|the people of Dallas, people across the country, are suffering]].''' * No, '''the reward comes in knowing that our entire way of life in America depends on the rule of law'''; that '''the maintenance of that law is a hard and daily labor'''; that '''in this country, we don’t have soldiers in the streets or militias setting the rules. Instead, we have public servants -- police officers -- like the men who were taken away from us.''' * First, [[w:Shooting of Alton Sterling|the shootings in Minnesota]] and [[w:Shooting of Philando Castile|Baton Rouge]], and the protests, then the targeting of police by the shooter here -- an act not just of demented violence but of racial hatred. All of it has left us wounded, and angry, and hurt. It’s as if the deepest fault lines of our democracy have suddenly been exposed, perhaps even widened. And although we know that such divisions are not new -- though they have surely been worse in even the recent past -- that offers us little comfort. * '''Faced with''' this '''violence, we wonder if the divides of race in America can ever be bridged. We wonder if an African-American community that feels unfairly targeted by police, and police departments that feel unfairly maligned for doing their jobs, can ever understand each other’s experience. We turn on the TV or surf the Internet, and we can watch positions harden and lines drawn, and people retreat to their respective corners, and politicians calculate how to grab attention or avoid the fallout. We see all this, and it’s hard not to think sometimes that the center won't hold and that things might get worse. I understand how Americans are feeling. But''', Dallas, '''I’m here to say we must reject such despair. I’m here to insist that we are not as divided as we seem. And I know that because I know America. I know how far we’ve come against impossible odds. I know we’ll make it because of what I’ve experienced in my own life, what I’ve seen of this country and its people -- their goodness and decency --as President of the United States. [...] I see what's possible when we recognize that we are one American family, all deserving of equal treatment, all deserving of equal respect, all children of God. That’s the America that I know.''' * '''I've seen how a spirit of unity, born of tragedy, can gradually dissipate, overtaken by the return to business as usual, by inertia and old habits and expediency. I see how easily we slip back into our old notions, because they’re comfortable, we’re used to them. I’ve seen how inadequate words can be in bringing about lasting change.''' I’ve seen how inadequate my own words have been. And so I’m reminded of a passage in *John’s Gospel [First John]: Let us love not with words or speech, but with actions and in truth. '''If we’re to sustain the unity we need to get through these difficult times,''' if we are to honor these five outstanding officers who we’ve lost, '''then we will need to act on the truths that we know. And that’s not easy. It makes us uncomfortable. But we’re going to have to be honest with each other and ourselves.''' * '''We know that the overwhelming majority of police officers do an incredibly hard and dangerous job fairly and professionally. They are deserving of our respect and not our scorn. And when anyone, no matter how good their intentions may be, paints all police as biased or bigoted, we undermine those officers we depend on for our safety. And as for those who use rhetoric suggesting harm to police, even if they don’t act on it themselves -- well, they not only make the jobs of police officers even more dangerous, but they do a disservice to the very cause of justice that they claim to promote.''' * We also know that '''centuries of racial discrimination -- of [[slavery]], and [[w:Racial segregation in the United States|subjugation]], and [[w:Jim Crow laws|Jim Crow]] -- they didn’t simply vanish with the end of lawful segregation. They didn’t just stop when [[Martin Luther King, Jr.#I_Have_A_Dream_.281963.29|Dr. King made a speech]], or the [[w:Voting Rights Act of 1965|Voting Rights Act]] and the [[w:Civil Rights Act of 1964|Civil Rights Act]] were signed. Race relations have improved dramatically in my lifetime. Those who deny it are dishonoring the struggles that helped us achieve that progress. But we know -- but, America, we know that bias remains. We know it. Whether you are black or white or Hispanic or Asian or Native American or of Middle Eastern descent, we have all seen this bigotry in our own lives at some point. [...] Although most of us do our best to guard against it and teach our children better, none of us is entirely innocent. No institution is entirely immune.''' And so when African Americans from all walks of life, from different communities across the country, voice a growing despair over what they perceive to be unequal treatment; when study after study shows that whites and people of color experience the criminal justice system differently, so that if you’re black you’re more likely to be pulled over or searched or arrested, more likely to get longer sentences, more likely to get the death penalty for the same crime; when mothers and fathers raise their kids right and have “the talk” about how to respond if stopped by a police officer -- “yes, sir,” “no, sir” -- but still fear that something terrible may happen when their child walks out the door, still fear that kids being stupid and not quite doing things right might end in tragedy -- '''when all this takes place more than 50 years after the passage of the Civil Rights Act, we cannot simply turn away and dismiss those in peaceful protest as troublemakers or paranoid. We can’t simply dismiss it as a symptom of political correctness or reverse racism. To have your experience denied like that, dismissed by those in authority, dismissed perhaps even by your white friends and coworkers and fellow church members again and again and again -- it hurts. Surely we can see that, all of us.''' * [S]o much of the tensions between police departments and minority communities that they serve is because we ask the police to do too much and we ask too little of ourselves. As a society, we choose to underinvest in decent schools. We allow poverty to fester so that entire neighborhoods offer no prospect for gainful employment. We refuse to fund drug treatment and mental health programs. We flood communities with so many guns that it is easier for a teenager to buy a [[Glock]] than get his hands on a computer or even a book and then we tell the police “you’re a social worker, you’re the parent, you’re the teacher, you’re the drug counselor.” We tell them to keep those neighborhoods in check at all costs, and do so without causing any political blowback or inconvenience. Don’t make a mistake that might disturb our own peace of mind. And then we feign surprise when, periodically, the tensions boil over. We know these things to be true. They’ve been true for a long time. [...] '''And if we cannot even talk about these things -- if we cannot talk honestly and openly not just in the comfort of our own circles, but with those who look different than us or bring a different perspective, then we will never break this dangerous cycle.''' * '''In the end, it's not about finding policies that work; it’s about forging consensus, and fighting cynicism, and finding the will to make change. Can we do this? Can we find the character, as Americans, to open our hearts to each other? Can we see in each other a common humanity and a shared dignity, and recognize how our different experiences have shaped us?''' And it doesn’t make anybody perfectly good or perfectly bad, it just makes us human. * That’s what '''we must pray for''', each of us: '''a new heart. Not a heart of stone, but a heart open to the fears and hopes and challenges of our fellow citizens. [...] Because with an open heart, we can learn to stand in each other’s shoes and look at the world through each other’s eyes, so that maybe the police officer sees his own son in that teenager with a hoodie who's kind of goofing off but not dangerous and the teenager -- maybe the teenager will see in the police officer the same words and values and authority of his parents. With an open heart, we can abandon the overheated rhetoric and the oversimplification that reduces whole categories of our fellow Americans not just to opponents, but to enemies. With an open heart, those protesting for change will guard against reckless language going forward, look at the model set by the five officers we mourn today, acknowledge the progress brought about by the sincere efforts of police departments like this one in Dallas, and embark on the hard but necessary work of negotiation, the pursuit of reconciliation. With an open heart, police departments will acknowledge that, just like the rest of us, they are not perfect; that insisting we do better to root out racial bias is not an attack on cops, but an effort to live up to our highest ideals. [...] With an open heart, we can worry less about which side has been wronged, and worry more about joining sides to do right. [...] We can decide to come together and make our country reflect the good inside us, the hopes and simple dreams we share.''' * '''For all of us, life presents challenges and suffering -- accidents, illnesses, the loss of loved ones. There are times when we are overwhelmed by sudden calamity, natural or manmade. All of us, we make mistakes. And at times we are lost. And as we get older, we learn we don’t always have control of things''' -- not even a President does. '''But we do have control over how we respond to the world. We do have control over how we treat one another.''' * '''America does not ask us to be perfect. Precisely because of our individual imperfections, our founders gave us institutions to guard against tyranny and ensure no one is above the law; a democracy that gives us the space to work through our differences and debate them peacefully, to make things better, even if it doesn’t always happen as fast as we’d like. America gives us the capacity to change.''' * '''Only by working together can we preserve those institutions of family and community, rights and responsibilities, law and self-government that is the hallmark of this nation. For, it turns out, we do not persevere alone. Our character is not found in isolation. Hope does not arise by putting our fellow man down; it is found by lifting others up.''' ====Statement on the Shootings in Baton Rouge (July 2016)==== [[File:Fort Sumter storm flag 1861.jpg|thumb|Only we can prove, through words and through deeds, that we will not be divided. And we’re going to have to keep on doing it “again and again and again.” That’s how this country gets united. That’s how we bring people of good will together. Only we can prove that we have the grace and the character and the common humanity to end this kind of senseless violence, to reduce fear and mistrust within the American family, to set an example for our children.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/07/17/statement-president-shootings-baton-rouge-louisiana Statement by President Obama on the Shootings in Baton Rouge, Louisiana in the James S. Brady Press Briefing Room at the White House in Washington, D.C. on July 17, 2016] in response to the [[w:2016 shooting of Baton Rouge police officers|2016 shooting of Baton Rouge police officers]]</small> * Five days ago, I traveled to Dallas for the memorial service of the officers who were slain there. '''I said that that killer would not be the last person who tries to make us turn on each other. Nor will today’s killer. It remains up to us to make sure that they fail. That decision is all of ours. The decision to make sure that our best selves are reflected across America, not our worst -- that’s up to us.''' * '''We have our divisions, and they are not new. Around-the-clock news cycles and social media sometimes amplify these divisions''', and I know we’re about to enter a couple of weeks of conventions where our political rhetoric tends to be more overheated than usual. '''And that is why it is so important that everyone -- regardless of race or political party or profession, regardless of what organizations you are a part of -- everyone right now focus on words and actions that can unite this country rather than divide it further. We don’t need inflammatory rhetoric. We don’t need careless accusations thrown around to score political points or to advance an agenda. We need to temper our words and open our hearts -- all of us. We need what we saw in Dallas this week, as a community came together to restore order and deepen unity and understanding. We need the kind of efforts we saw this week in meetings between community leaders and police -- some of which I participated in -- where I saw people of good will pledge to work together to reduce violence throughout all of our communities. That’s what’s needed right now. And it is up to all of us to make sure we are part of the solution and not part of the problem.''' * '''Someone once wrote, “A bullet need happen only once, but for peace to work we need to be reminded of its existence again and again and again.”''' My fellow Americans, '''only we can prove, through words and through deeds, that we will not be divided. And we’re going to have to keep on doing it “again and again and again.” That’s how this country gets united. That’s how we bring people of good will together. Only we can prove that we have the grace and the character and the common humanity to end this kind of senseless violence, to reduce fear and mistrust within the American family, to set an example for our children.''' That’s who we are, and that’s who we always have the capacity to be. And that’s the best way for us to honor the sacrifice of the brave police officers who were taken from us this morning. ==== DNC Address (July 2016)==== :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/07/28/remarks-president-democratic-national-convention "Remarks by the President at the Democratic National Convention" (28 July 2016)]</small> [[File:Barack Obama DNC July 2016.jpg|thumb| I am more [[optimistic]] about the [[future]] of [[America]] than ever before.]] [[File:DNC 2016 - Barack Obama 1 (cropped1).jpg|thumb|What we heard in Cleveland last week wasn’t particularly [[Republican]] — and it sure wasn’t [[conservative]]. What we heard was a deeply [[pessimistic]] [[vision]] of a country where we turn against each other, and turn away from the rest of the [[world]].]] [[File:Obama in Situation Room.jpg|thumb|I can say with confidence there has never been a man or a woman — not me, not Bill, nobody — more qualified than [[Hillary Clinton]] to serve as president of the United States of America.]] [[File:DNC 2016 - Barack Obama 2.jpeg|thumb| We're not a frightful people. Our power doesn’t come from some self-declared savior promising that he alone can restore order as long as we do things his way. We don’t look to be ruled.]] [[File:Obama Stump Speech - cropped.jpg|thumb|Anyone who threatens our values, whether fascists or communists or jihadists or homegrown demagogues, will always fail in the end.]] [[File:President Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton Hug July 2016.jpg|thumb| We don’t fear the future; we shape it. We embrace it, as one people, stronger together than we are on our own.]] [[File:Obama waves at 2016 DNC.jpg|thumb|I’m ready to pass the baton and do my part as a private citizen. So this year, in this election, I’m asking you to join me — to reject cynicism and reject fear, and to summon what is best in us; to elect Hillary Clinton as the next President of the United States, and show the world we still believe in the promise of this great nation.]] * '''A lot has happened over the years. And while this nation has been tested by war, and it's been tested by recession and all manner of challenges — I stand before you again tonight, after almost two terms as your president, to tell you I am more optimistic about the future of America than ever before.''' <br /> How could I not be — after all that we’ve achieved together? After the worst recession in 80 years, we fought our way back. * I’m here to tell you that, yes, we’ve still got more work to do. More work to do for every American still in need of a good job or a raise, paid leave or a decent retirement; for every child who needs a sturdier ladder out of poverty or a world-class education; for everyone who has not yet felt the progress of these past seven and a half years. We need to keep making our streets safer and our criminal justice system fairer — our homeland more secure, our world more peaceful and sustainable for the next generation. We’re not done perfecting our union, or living up to our founding creed that all of us are created equal; all of us are free in the eyes of God. * '''I think it's fair to say, this is not your typical election. It’s not just a choice between parties or policies; the usual debates between left and right. This is a more fundamental choice — about who we are as a people, and whether we stay true to this great American experiment in self-government.''' <br /> Look, we Democrats have always had plenty of differences with the Republican Party, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s precisely this contest of idea that pushes our country forward. '''But what we heard in Cleveland last week wasn’t particularly Republican — and it sure wasn’t conservative. What we heard was a deeply pessimistic vision of a country where we turn against each other, and turn away from the rest of the world.''' There were no serious solutions to pressing problems — just the fanning of resentment, and blame, and anger, and hate. <br /> '''And that is not the America I know. The America I know is full of courage, and optimism, and ingenuity. The America I know is decent and generous.''' * I’ve rejoiced with you and mourned with you, what I have also seen, more than anything, is what is right with America. I see people working hard and starting businesses. I see people teaching kids and serving our country. I see engineers inventing stuff, doctors coming up with new cures. I see a younger generation full of energy and new ideas, not constrained by what is, ready to seize what ought to be. <br /> And most of all, I see Americans of every party, every background, every faith who believe that we are stronger together — black, white, Latino, Asian, Native American; young, old; gay, straight; men, women, folks with disabilities, all pledging allegiance, under the same proud flag, to this big, bold country that we love. That's what I see. That's the America I know! * You know, nothing truly prepares you for the demands of the Oval Office. You can read about it. You can study it. But until you’ve sat at that desk, you don’t know what it’s like to manage a global crisis, or send young people to war. But Hillary has been in the room; she’s been part of those decisions. She knows what’s at stake in the decisions our government makes — what’s at stake for the working family, for the senior citizen, or the small business owner, for the soldier, for the veteran. And even in the midst of crisis, she listens to people, and she keeps her cool, and she treats everybody with respect. And no matter how daunting the odds, no matter how much people try to knock her down, she never, ever quits. <br /> That is the Hillary I know. That’s the Hillary I’ve come to admire. And that’s why '''I can say with confidence there has never been a man or a woman — not me, not Bill, nobody — more qualified than [[Hillary Clinton]] to serve as president of the United States of America.''' * You know, [[Donald Trump|the Donald]] is not really a plans guy. He’s not really a facts guy, either. He calls himself a business guy, which is true, but I have to say, I know plenty of businessmen and women who’ve achieved remarkable success without leaving a trail of lawsuits, and unpaid workers, and people feeling like they got cheated. <br /> '''Does anyone really believe that a guy who’s spent his 70 years on this Earth showing no regard for working people is suddenly going to be your champion? Your voice?''' <br /> If so, you should vote for him. But if you’re someone who’s truly concerned about paying your bills, if you're really concerned about pocketbook issues and seeing the economy grow, and creating more opportunity for everybody, then the choice isn’t even close. If you want someone with a lifelong track record of fighting for higher wages, and better benefits, and a fairer tax code, and a bigger voice for workers, and stronger regulations on Wall Street, then you should vote for Hillary Clinton. * [[Hillary Clinton]] is respected around the world — not just by leaders, but by the people they serve. <br /> I have to say this. People outside of the United States do not understand what’s going on in this election. They really don't. Because they know Hillary. They’ve seen her work. She’s worked closely with our intelligence teams, our diplomats, our military. She has the judgment and the experience and the temperament to meet the threat from terrorism. It’s not new to her. Our troops have pounded ISIL without mercy, taking out their leaders, taking back territory. And I know Hillary won’t relent until ISIL is destroyed. She will finish the job. And she will do it without resorting to torture, or banning entire religions from entering our country. She is fit and she is ready to be the next commander-in-chief. * [[Donald Trump]] calls our military a disaster. Apparently, he doesn’t know the men and women who make up the strongest fighting force the world has ever known. He suggests America is weak. He must not hear the billions of men and women and children, from the Baltics to Burma, who still look to America to be the light of freedom and dignity and human rights. He cozies up to Putin, praises Saddam Hussein, tells our NATO allies that stood by our side after 9/11 that they have to pay up if they want our protection. <br /> Well, America’s promises do not come with a price tag. We meet our commitments. We bear our burdens. That’s one of the reasons why almost every country on Earth sees America as stronger and more respected today than they did eight years ago when I took office. * '''America is already great. America is already strong. And I promise you, our strength, our greatness, does not depend on Donald Trump.''' In fact, it doesn’t depend on any one person. And that, in the end, may be the biggest difference in this election — the meaning of our democracy. <br /> [[Ronald Reagan]] called America “a shining city on a hill.” Donald Trump calls it “a divided crime scene” that only he can fix. It doesn’t matter to him that illegal immigration and the crime rate are as low as they’ve been in decades — (applause) — because he’s not actually offering any real solutions to those issues. He’s just offering slogans, and he’s offering fear. He’s betting that if he scares enough people, he might score just enough votes to win this election. <br /> And that's another bet that Donald Trump will lose. And the reason he'll lose it is because he’s selling the American people short. '''We're not a fragile people. We're not a frightful people. Our power doesn’t come from some self-declared savior promising that he alone can restore order as long as we do things his way. We don’t look to be ruled. Our power comes from those immortal declarations first put to paper right here in Philadelphia all those years ago: We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal; that We the People, can form a more perfect union.''' <br /> That's who we are. That’s our birthright — the capacity to shape our own destiny. * '''Hillary has got her share of critics. She has been caricatured by the right and by some on the left.''' She has been accused of everything you can imagine — and some things that you cannot. But she knows that’s what happens when you’re under a microscope for 40 years. She knows that sometimes during those 40 years she’s made mistakes — just like I have; just like we all do. That’s what happens when we try. That’s what happens when you’re the kind of citizen [[Teddy Roosevelt]] once described — not the timid souls who criticize from the sidelines, but someone “who is actually in the arena…who strives valiantly; who errs…but who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement.” <br /> Hillary Clinton is that woman in the arena. She’s been there for us — even if we haven’t always noticed. And if you’re serious about our democracy, you can’t afford to stay home just because she might not align with you on every issue. You’ve got to get in the arena with her, because democracy isn’t a spectator sport. America isn’t about “yes, he will.” It’s about “yes, we can.” And we’re going to carry Hillary to victory this fall, because that’s what the moment demands. ''['''Audience''': Yes, we can! Yes, we can! Yes, we can!]'' '''Yes, we can. Not "yes, she can." Not "yes, I can." "Yes, we can." ''' * You know, there’s been a lot of talk in this campaign about what America has lost — people who tell us that our way of life is being undermined by pernicious changes and dark forces beyond our control. They tell voters there’s a “real America” out there that must be restored. This isn’t an idea, by the way, that started with Donald Trump. It’s been peddled by politicians for a long time — probably from the start of our Republic. <br /> And it’s got me thinking about the story I told you 12 years ago tonight, about my Kansas grandparents and the things they taught me when I was growing up. See, my grandparents, they came from the heartland. Their ancestors began settling there about 200 years ago. I don’t know if they have their birth certificates — but they were there. They were Scotch-Irish mostly — farmers, teachers, ranch hands, pharmacists, oil rig workers.  Hardy, small town folks.  Some were Democrats, but a lot of them — maybe even most of them — were Republicans.  Party of [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]]. <br /> And '''my grandparents''' explained that folks in these parts, they didn’t like show-offs.  They didn’t admire braggarts or bullies. They didn’t respect mean-spiritedness, or folks who were always looking for shortcuts in life. Instead, what they '''valued''' were '''traits like honesty and hard work, kindness, courtesy, humility, responsibility, helping each other out.''' That’s what they believed in. True things. Things that last. The things we try to teach our kids.   * '''America has changed over the years. But these values that my grandparents taught me — they haven’t gone anywhere. They’re as strong as ever, still cherished by people of every party, every race, every faith. They live on in each of us.''' What makes us American, what makes us patriots is what’s in here. That’s what matters. … And that’s why we can take the food and music and holidays and styles of other countries, and blend it into something uniquely our own. That’s why we can attract strivers and entrepreneurs from around the globe to build new factories and create new industries here. '''That’s why our military can look the way it does — every shade of humanity, forged into common service. That’s why anyone who threatens our values, whether fascists or communists or jihadists or homegrown demagogues, will always fail in the end.''' <br /> That is America. That is America. Those bonds of affection; that common creed. '''We don’t fear the future; we shape it. We embrace it, as one people, stronger together than we are on our own.''' * That’s what Hillary Clinton understands — this fighter, this stateswoman, this mother and grandmother, this public servant, this patriot — that’s the America she’s fighting for. <br /> And that is why I have confidence, as I leave this stage tonight, that the Democratic Party is in good hands. My time in this office, it hasn’t fixed everything. '''As much as we’ve done, there’s still so much I want to do. But for all the tough lessons I’ve had to learn, for all the places where I’ve fallen short — I’ve told Hillary, and I’ll tell you, what’s picked me back up every single time: It’s been you. The American people.''' * '''Time and again, you’ve picked me up. And I hope, sometimes, I picked you up, too. And tonight, I ask you to do for Hillary Clinton what you did for me.''' I ask you to carry her the same way you carried me. Because you're who I was talking about 12 years ago when I talked about hope. It’s been you who fueled my dogged faith in our future, even when the odds were great; even when the road is long. Hope in the face of difficulty. Hope in the face of uncertainty. The audacity of hope. <br /> America, you've vindicated that hope these past eight years. And now I’m ready to pass the baton and do my part as a private citizen. So this year, in this election, I’m asking you to join me — to reject cynicism and reject fear, and to summon what is best in us; to elect Hillary Clinton as the next President of the United States, and show the world we still believe in the promise of this great nation. ==== {{w|Disabled American Veterans}} Convention (August 2016) ==== [[File:Marines in Saddams palace DM-SD-04-12222.jpg|thumb|No war should ever be forgotten and no veteran should ever be overlooked.]] [[File:C-17 Medevac mission, Balad AB, Iraq.jpg|thumb|We have to end any shame or stigma that comes with going and getting help. ... We’re one team. One American family. When any member of our family is suffering, we’ve got to be there for each other. ... We have to keep on uniting as one team. As one people. As one nation.]] <small>[http://www.dailykos.com/story/2016/08/01/1555430/-Transcript-of-President-Obama-s-remarks-at-Disabled-American-Veterans-convention Transcript Remarks at 95th National Convention for Disabled American Veterans at Hyatt Regency in Atlanta, Georgia (August 01, 2016)]</small> * And we shared the story of Korean War veteran Dick Shank, who made it home to that baby boy, and lived out his life -- at 84 years old, he was still roller skating -- because '''no war should ever be forgotten and no veteran should ever be overlooked.''' * To all of you [[w:War in Afghanistan (2001–2014)|who served in Afghanistan]], you can take enormous pride in the progress you helped achieve: Driving al Qaeda out of its camps. Toppling the Taliban. Delivering justice to Osama bin Laden. Helping Afghans improve their lives. There are millions of boys and girls in school, and democratic elections and a democratic government. Training Afghan forces to take responsibility for their own security so that we are no longer engaged in a major ground war in Afghanistan. That is your legacy. And today we salute our forces serving there on a more limited mission -- supporting Afghan forces, going after terrorists -- because we must never allow Afghanistan to be used as a safe haven for terrorists to attack our nation again. * To all of you [[w:Iraq War|who served in Iraq]], we saw your heroism in pushing out a dictator whose brutality must be condemned, never praised. In defeating an insurgency. In giving the Iraqi people a chance. And no matter what has happened since, your valor in the deserts, in fierce urban combat, will be honored in the annals of military history. * Let me say something else about this generation. '''As Commander-in-Chief, I’m pretty tired of some folks trash-talking America’s military and troops.''' * America’s Army is the best-trained, best-equipped land force on the planet. Our Navy is the largest and most lethal in the world. The precision of, and reach of, our Air Force is unmatched. Our Marines are the world’s only truly expeditionary force. We have the world’s finest Coast Guard. We have the most capable fighting force in history -- and we’re going to keep it that way. * No ally or adversary should ever doubt our strength and our resolve. * We will keep pounding ISIL and taking out their leaders, and pushing them back on the ground. And united with a global coalition, we will destroy this barbaric terrorist group. They will be destroyed. * In the face of Russian aggression, we’re not going to turn our back to our allies in Europe. We’re going to stay united in NATO, which is the world’s strongest alliance. * From the Asia Pacific to Africa to the Americas, the United States and our armed forces will remain the greatest force for freedom and security and peace that the world has ever known. That is your legacy. That is what we have to protect, and that is what we have to defend. * '''No one -- no one -- has given more for our freedom and our security than our Gold Star families. ... They represent the very best of our country. They continue to inspire us every day, every moment. They serve as a powerful reminder of the true strength of America. We have to do everything we can for those families, and honor them, and be humbled by them.''' * We believe in taking care of each other, and in lifting each other up, and leaving no one behind, and in meeting the collective responsibilities that we can only meet together: The security of our nation. The education for our children. Dignity for our seniors. Equal rights for all of our citizens. Health care -- which is now a right for everybody. And the care and well-being of our veterans and your families. That is a responsibility for all of us, not just a few. We all have to do our part. * '''Our commitment to our veterans is a sacred covenant.''' ... It is sacred because there's no more solemn request than to ask someone to risk their life, to be ready to give their life on our behalf. It's a covenant because both sides have responsibilities. Those who put on the uniform, you took an oath to protect and defend us. While the rest of us, the citizens you kept safe, we pledged to take care of you and your families when you come home. That's a sacred covenant. That's a solemn promise that we make to each other. And it is binding. And upholding it is a moral imperative. ... If there’s ever a breach in the covenant, then leaders in this country have to work hard to regain trust. ... And when we take care of each other and uphold that sacred covenant, there is nothing we cannot do. * We need to keep improving mental health care. I’ll never forget the soldiers I met at Fort Bliss. They were proud of their service, but they were struggling with issues like post-traumatic stress. So, for veterans with PTS, we made it easier for you to qualify for the VA care that you need -- no matter when you served. We’ve increased funding for veterans mental health care by more than 75 percent -- billions more dollars. '''More awareness and outreach -- because we have to end any shame or stigma that comes with going and getting help.''' * '''We’re one team. One American family. When any member of our family is suffering, we’ve got to be there for each other. ... We have to keep on uniting as one team. As one people. As one nation.''' ==== Upholding the Legacy of Those We Lost on September 11th (September 2016) ==== :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/09/10/weekly-address-upholding-legacy-those-we-lost-september-11th "Weekly Address: Upholding the Legacy of Those We Lost on September 11th" (9 September 2016)]</small> * Terrorists will never be able to defeat the United States. Their only hope is to terrorize us into changing who we are or our way of life. That’s why we Americans will never give in to fear. And it’s why this weekend we remember the true spirit of 9/11. We’re still the America of heroes who ran into harm’s way; of ordinary folks who took down the hijackers; of families who turned their pain into hope. We are still the America that looks out for one another, bound by our shared belief that I am my brother’s keeper, I am my sister’s keeper. <br /> In the face of terrorism, how we respond matters. We cannot give in to those who would divide us. We cannot react in ways that erode the fabric of our society. Because it’s our diversity, our welcoming of all talent, our treating of everybody fairly — no matter their race, gender, ethnicity, or faith — that’s part of what makes our country great. It’s what makes us resilient. And if we stay true to those values, we’ll uphold the legacy of those we’ve lost, and keep our nation strong and free. <br /> God bless you, and God bless the United States of America. ==== United Nations Address (September 2016) ==== [[File:Winken ueber die Berliner Mauer.jpg|thumb|A nation ringed by walls would only imprison itself.]] [[File:28 - New York - Octobre 2008.jpg|thumb|A world in which one percent of humanity controls as much wealth as the other 99 percent will never be stable.]] [[File:DDR wall peekaboo.jpg|thumb|A society that asks less of oligarchs than ordinary citizens will rot from within.]] [[File:Edward Armitage - Julian the Apostate presiding at a conference of sectarian - 1875.jpg|thumb|The cure for what ails our democracies is greater engagement by our citizens -- not less.]] [[File:Earth (15060877499).jpg|thumb|Our identities do not have to be defined by putting someone else down, but can be enhanced by lifting somebody else up. They don’t have to be defined in opposition to others, but rather by a belief in liberty and equality and justice and fairness.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/09/20/address-president-obama-71st-session-united-nations-general-assembly Address by President Obama to the 71st Session of the United Nations General Assembly at The United Nationsin New York City, New York] (20 September 2016)</small> * Today, '''a nation ringed by walls would only imprison itself.''' * '''A world in which one percent of humanity controls as much wealth as the other 99 percent will never be stable.''' I understand that the gaps between rich and poor are not new, but '''just as the child in a slum today can see the skyscraper nearby, technology now allows any person with a smartphone to see how the most privileged among us live and the contrast between their own lives and others. Expectations rise, then, faster than governments can deliver, and a pervasive sense of injustice undermine people’s faith in the system.''' [...] economies are more successful when we close the gap between rich and poor, and growth is broadly based. And that means respecting the rights of workers so they can organize into independent unions and earn a living wage. It means investing in our people -- their skills, their education, their capacity to take an idea and turn it into a business. It means strengthening the safety net that protects our people from hardship and allows them to take more risks -- to look for a new job, or start a new venture. * That’s why we’ve worked with other nations to create higher and clearer standards for banking and taxation -- because '''a society that asks less of oligarchs than ordinary citizens will rot from within.''' That’s why we’ve pushed for transparency and cooperation in rooting out corruption, and tracking illicit dollars, because '''markets create more jobs when they're fueled by hard work, and not the capacity to extort a bribe.''' * In countries held together by borders drawn by colonial powers, with ethnic enclaves and tribal divisions, politics and elections can sometimes appear to be a zero-sum game. And so, '''given the difficulty in forging true democracy in the face of these pressures, it’s no surprise that some argue the future favors the strongman, a top-down model, rather than strong, democratic institutions.''' [...] I believe the road of true democracy remains the better path. I believe that in the 21st century, '''economies can only grow to a certain point until they need to open up -- because entrepreneurs need to access information in order to invent; young people need a global education in order to thrive; independent media needs to check the abuses of power. Without this evolution, ultimately expectations of people will not be met; suppression and stagnation will set in. And history shows that strongmen are then left with two paths -- permanent crackdown, which sparks strife at home, or scapegoating enemies abroad, which can lead to war.''' * So '''those of us who believe in democracy, we need to speak out forcefully, because both the facts and history''', I believe, '''are on our side.''' That doesn’t mean democracies are without flaws. It does mean that '''the cure for what ails our democracies is greater engagement by our citizens -- not less.''' * Now, there’s no easy answer for resolving all these social forces, and '''we must respect the meaning that people draw from their own traditions -- from their religion, from their ethnicity, from their sense of nationhood. But I do not believe progress is possible if our desire to preserve our identities gives way to an impulse to dehumanize or dominate another group. If our religion leads us to persecute those of another faith, if we jail or beat people who are gay, if our traditions lead us to prevent girls from going to school, if we discriminate on the basis of race or tribe or ethnicity, then the fragile bonds of civilization will fray. The world is too small, we are too packed together, for us to be able to resort to those old ways of thinking.''' * '''We cannot escape the prospect of nuclear war unless we all commit to stopping the spread of nuclear weapons and pursuing a world without them.''' * Sometimes I'm criticized in my own country for professing a belief in international norms and multilateral institutions. But I am convinced that in the long run, '''giving up some freedom of action''' – not giving up our ability to protect ourselves or pursue our core interests, but '''binding ourselves to international rules over the long term – enhances our security.''' * But '''we have to follow through, even when the politics are hard. Because in the eyes of innocent men and women and children who, through no fault of their own, have had to flee everything that they know, everything that they love, we have to have the empathy to see ourselves. We have to imagine what it would be like for our family, for our children, if the unspeakable happened to us. And we should all understand that, ultimately, our world will be more secure if we are prepared to help those in need and the nations who are carrying the largest burden with respect to accommodating these refugees.''' * And in my own life, in this country, and as President, I have learned that '''our identities do not have to be defined by putting someone else down, but can be enhanced by lifting somebody else up. They don’t have to be defined in opposition to others, but rather by a belief in liberty and equality and justice and fairness.''' [...] But '''my faith in those principles does force me to expand my moral imagination and to recognize that I can best serve my own people, I can best look after my own daughters, by making sure that my actions seek what is right for all people and all children, and your daughters and your sons.''' ====Presidential transition of Donald Trump (November 2016)==== :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/photos-and-video/video/2016/11/10/president-obama-meets-president-elect-trump Source: 2016-10-10 White House Video "President Obama Meets With President-Elect Trump"]</small> * Well, I just had the opportunity to have an excellent conversation with President-elect Trump. It was wide-ranging. We talked about some of the organizational issues in setting up a White House. We talked about foreign policy. We talked about domestic policy. *And as I said last night, my number one priority in the coming two months is to try to facilitate a transition that ensures our president-elect is successful. *And I had been very encouraged by the, I think, interest in President-elect Trump’s wanting to work with my team around many of the issues that this great country faces. And I believe that it is important for all of us, regardless of party and regardless of political preferences, to now come together, work together to deal with the many challenges that we face. *And in the meantime, Michelle has had a chance to greet the incoming First Lady. And we had an excellent conversation with her as well. And we want to make sure that they feel welcome as they prepare to make this transition. *And most of all, I want to emphasize to you, Mr. President-elect, that we now are going to want to do everything we can to help you succeed, because if you succeed, then the country succeeds. ====News Conference With Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany (November 2016)==== [[File:Barack Obama sitting at the Resolute desk 2009.jpg|thumb|There’s something about [[w:Executive Office of the President|the solemn responsibilities of that office]], the extraordinary demands that are placed on the United States -- not just by its own people but by people around the world -- that forces you to focus, that demands seriousness. And if you’re not serious about the job, then you probably won’t be there very long because it will expose problems. [...] The demands and responsibilities of a U.S. President are not ones that you can treat casually, and [..] in a big, complex, diverse country, the only way that you can be successful is by listening and reaching out and working with a wide variety of people. ]] :<small>[http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=119653&st=&st1= Source: Barack Obama: "''The President's News Conference With Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany in Berlin, Germany''," November 17, 2016. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, ''The American Presidency Projec''t.]</small> * '''But as long as we stay true to our democratic principles, as long as elections have integrity, as long as we respect freedom of speech, freedom of religion, as long as there are checks and balances in our governments so that the people have the ability to not just make judgments about how well government is serving them but also change governments if they're not serving them well -- then I have confidence that over the long term, progress will continue.''' * '''You cannot purchase people’s consent through killing them.''' * There were times where I was in the Oval Office and people would come to me with all kinds of political problems and policy problems and international problems, and my team would be getting discouraged and depressed, and I would say to them, I have to be optimistic, because the odds of somebody named Barack Obama being President of the United States were very low, and the fact that, in my lifetime, I have seen such enormous, positive change in the United States and around the world tells me that, '''although history does not travel in a straight line, it moves in the direction of justice and freedom and a better life for people. But we have to fight for it. We have to work for it.''' * What makes me cautiously optimistic about [[Donald Trump|my successor]] and the shift from campaign mode to governance is '''there’s something about [[w:Executive Office of the President|the solemn responsibilities of that office]], the extraordinary demands that are placed on the United States -- not just by its own people but by people around the world -- that forces you to focus, that demands seriousness. And if you’re not serious about the job, then you probably won’t be there very long because it will expose problems. Even when you’re doing a job, even when you are attentive, there are so many things that come across your desk that people are going to question you, and you’re going to have opponents and you’re going to have critics, and you figure that out pretty fast when you’re sitting there.'''  And I think the President-elect is going to see fairly quickly that '''the demands and responsibilities of a U.S. President are not ones that you can treat casually, and''' that '''in a big, complex, diverse country, the only way that you can be successful is by listening and reaching out and working with a wide variety of people.''' ===2017=== [[File:58th Presidential Inauguration Marianique Santos 17.jpg|thumb|True democracy is a project that’s much bigger than any one of us. It’s bigger than any one person, any one president, any one government. It’s a job for all of us. It requires everyday sustained effort from all of us.]] * '''I’m still asking you to believe – not in my ability to bring about change, but in yours. I believe in change because I believe in you.''' ** President Obama on Twitter at January 20, 2017; [https://web.archive.org/web/20170120172703if_/https://twitter.com/POTUS44/status/822446982648201216 archived] from [https://twitter.com/POTUS44/status/822446982648201216 the original] on August 28, 2020. As quoted by ABC Radio (2017) and presented in the 2017-01-20 article "''Obamas Offer Goodbye Message as They Leave the White House''" by MyCentralOregon.com. [https://archive.is/Gec3W Archived] from [https://www.mycentraloregon.com/2017/01/20/obamas-offer-goodbye-message-as-they-leave-the-white-house/ the original] and retrieved on August 28, 2020. * As I’ve said many times before, '''true democracy is a project that’s much bigger than any one of us. It’s bigger than any one person, any one president, any one government. It’s a job for all of us. It requires everyday sustained effort from all of us — the work of perfecting our union is never finished.''' We look forward to joining you in that effort as fellow citizens. ** 2020-07-20 Youtube Video "''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODVxuN6m6E8&feature=youtu.be What's Next from Barack and Michelle Obama]''" Upload by the Obama Foundation and retrieved on August 28, 2020. As quoted by ABC Radio (2017) and presented in the 2017-01-20 article "''Obamas Offer Goodbye Message as They Leave the White House''" by MyCentralOregon.com. [https://archive.is/Gec3W Archived] from [https://www.mycentraloregon.com/2017/01/20/obamas-offer-goodbye-message-as-they-leave-the-white-house/ the original] and retrieved August 28, 2020. * '''People have a tendency to blame politicians when things don't work, but''' as I always tell people, '''you get the politicians you deserve. And if you don't vote and you don't pay attention, you'll get policies that don't reflect your interest.''' ** Speaking at a summit on food innovation in Milan, Italy on May 9, 2017. Source: Conway, Madeline (9 May 2017). "[http://archive.is/sk6YA Obama: 'You get the politicians you deserve']". Politico. Archived from [http://www.politico.com/story/2017/05/09/obama-you-get-the-politicians-you-deserve-238150 the original] on 13 May 2017. Retrieved 13 May 2017. * '''If I become so convinced that ‘I’m always right,’ the logical conclusion of that often ends up being great cruelty and great violence.''' ** Speaking during a discussion at "Kirchentag," a multi-day meeting sponsored by the Protestant church in Germany in Berlin, Germany on May 25, 2017. Source: Dovere, Edward-Isaac (25 May 2017). "[http://archive.is/PZKE4 Obama in Berlin: 'We can’t hide behind a wall']". Politico. Archived from [http://www.politico.com/story/2017/05/25/obama-in-berlin-angela-merkel-238806 the original] on 2 June 2017. Retrieved 2 June2017. * '''We can find people on the internet who agree with our ideas, no matter how crazy. Democracies do not work if we are not operating on some level based on reason and fact and logic - and not just passion. We're going to have to''' find ways to push back on propaganda and '''listen to those we don't agree with.''' ** Speaking after receiving a German media prize award in Baden-Baden, Germany on May 25, 2017. Source: Kirschbaum, Erik (25 May 2017). "[https://web.archive.org/web/20170527213811/http://www.nasdaq.com/article/in-berlin-obama-speaks-out-against-hiding-behind-walls-20170525-01010 In Berlin, Obama speaks out against hiding behind walls]". Reuters via nasdaq.com. Archived from [http://www.nasdaq.com/article/in-berlin-obama-speaks-out-against-hiding-behind-walls-20170525-01010 the original] on 27 May 2017. Retrieved 27 May 2017. * '''No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin or his background or his religion. ... People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love. ... For love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.''' ** [[https://twitter.com/BarackObama/status/896523357272911872 Speaking via twitter on August 13, 2017]] in response to the [[w:2017 Unite the Right rally|2017 Unite the Right rally]] in harlottesville, Virginia and quoting [[Nelson Mandela]]. [https://web.archive.org/web/20170814133749/https:/twitter.com/BarackObama/status/896523357272911872 Archived via Wayback Machine on August 14, 2017]. Source: [http://edition.cnn.com/2017/08/12/politics/parties-condemn-white-nationalist-rally/index.html ''Bipartisan condemnation for 'Unite the Right' rally'' by CNN's Jennifer Hansler on August 13, 2017]. [https://web.archive.org/web/20170814134330/http://edition.cnn.com/2017/08/12/politics/parties-condemn-white-nationalist-rally/index.html Archived via Wayback Machine on August 14, 2017]. ====Farewell Address (January 2017)==== [[File:Victims of Communism Memorial DBKing A.jpg|thumb|Democracy does not require uniformity. Democracy does require a basic sense of solidarity - the idea that for all our outward differences, we're all in this together; that we rise or fall as one.]] [[File:Goddess of Democracy front a.jpg|thumb|Democracy can buckle when we give in to fear. So, just as we, as citizens, must remain vigilant against external aggression, we must guard against a weakening of the values that make us who we are. Our democracy is threatened whenever we take it for granted. It falls to each of us to be those those anxious, jealous guardians of our democracy.]] [[File:Blue marble 2015.jpg|thumb|If the scope of freedom and respect for the rule of law shrinks around the world, the likelihood of war within and between nations increases, and our own freedoms will eventually be threatened.]] <small>[https://obamawhitehouse.archives.gov/farewell Source: "President Obama's Farewell Address," delivered in Chicago on January 10, 2017, from the White House archives (transcript and video)]</small> * If I had told you eight years ago that America would reverse a great recession, reboot our auto industry, and unleash the longest stretch of job creation in our history . . . open up a new chapter with the Cuban people, shut down Iran's nuclear weapons program without firing a shot, take out the mastermind of 9/11 . . . win marriage equality, and secure the right to health insurance for another 20 million of our fellow citizens . . . you might have said our sights were set a little too high. But that's what we did. That's what '''you''' did. * [W]hat I want to focus on tonight [is the] state of our democracy. Understand, '''democracy does not require uniformity.''' [[Founding Fathers of the United States|Our founders]] argued. They quarreled. Eventually they compromised. They expected us to do the same. But they knew that '''democracy does require a basic sense of solidarity - the idea that for all our outward differences, we're all in this together; that we rise or fall as one.''' * [I]f anyone can put together a plan that is demonstrably better than the improvements we've made to our health care system and that covers as many people at less cost, I will publicly support it. * I agree, our trade should be fair and not just free. But the next wave of economic dislocations won't come from overseas. It will come from the relentless pace of automation that makes a lot of good, middle-class jobs obsolete. * '''If every economic issue is framed as a struggle between a hardworking white middle class and an undeserving minority, then workers of all shades are going to be left fighting for scraps while the wealthy withdraw further into their private enclaves.''' * '''Politics is a battle of ideas.''' That's how our democracy was designed. In the course of a healthy debate, we prioritize different goals, and the different means of reaching them. '''But without some common baseline of facts, without a willingness to admit new information, and concede that your opponent might be making a fair point, and that science and reason matter - then we're going to keep talking past each other, and we'll make common ground and compromise impossible.''' * [W]ithout bolder action, our children won't have time to debate the existence of climate change. They'll be busy dealing with its effects: more environmental disasters, more economic disruptions, waves of climate refugees seeking sanctuary. * '''Democracy can buckle when we give in to fear. So, just as we, as citizens, must remain vigilant against external aggression, we must guard against a weakening of the values that make us who we are. [...] Our democracy is threatened whenever we take it for granted. All of us, regardless of party, should be throwing ourselves into the task of rebuilding our democratic institutions. When voting rates in America are some of the lowest among advanced democracies, we should be making it easier, not harder, to vote. When trust in our institutions is low, we should reduce the corrosive influence of money in our politics, and insist on the principles of transparency and ethics in public service. When Congress is dysfunctional, we should draw our congressional districts to encourage politicians to cater to common sense and not rigid extremes. But remember, none of this happens on its own. All of this depends on our participation; on each of us accepting the responsibility of citizenship, regardless of which way the pendulum of power happens to be swinging. [...] It falls to each of us to be those those anxious, jealous guardians of our democracy;''' to embrace the joyous task we've been given to continually try to improve this great nation of ours. '''Because for all our outward differences, we, in fact, all share the same proud title, the most important office in a democracy: Citizen. Citizen. So, you see, that's what our democracy demands. It needs you. Not just when there's an election, not just when your own narrow interest is at stake, but over the full span of a lifetime.''' * [T]o all who serve or have served, it has been the honor of my lifetime to be your Commander-in-Chief. And we all owe you a deep debt of gratitude. But '''protecting our way of life, that's not just the job of our military. . . . So, just as we, as citizens, must remain vigilant against external aggression, we must guard against a weakening of the values that make us who we are.''' * '''If the scope of freedom and respect for the rule of law shrinks around the world, the likelihood of war within and between nations increases, and our own freedoms will eventually be threatened.''' * '''It falls to each of us to be those anxious, jealous guardians of our democracy'''; to embrace the joyous task we've been given to continually try to improve this great nation of ours. '''Because for all our outward differences, we, in fact, all share the same proud title, the most important office in a democracy: Citizen.''' Citizen. * '''I'm asking you to believe. Not in my ability to bring about change - but in yours. I am asking you to hold fast to that faith written into our founding documents; that idea whispered by slaves and abolitionists; that spirit sung by immigrants and homesteaders and those who marched for justice; that creed reaffirmed by those who planted flags from foreign battlefields to the surface of the moon; a creed at the core of every American whose story is not yet written: Yes, we can.''' Yes, we did. Yes, we can. ==== Final News Conference as President (January 2017) ==== [[File:New Brady Briefing Room.jpg|144px|thumb|right|It doesn’t work if we don’t have a well-informed citizenry, and you are the conduit through which they receive the information about what’s taking place in the halls of power. So America needs you and our democracy needs you. We need you to establish a baseline of facts and evidence that we can use as a starting point for the kind of reasoned and informed debates that ultimately lead to progress.]] [[File:US Flag in Utah.jpg|144px|thumb|right|When we feel stress, when we feel pressure, when we’re just fed information that encourages some of our worst instincts, we tend to fall back into some of the old racial fears and racial divisions and racial stereotypes, and it’s very hard for us to break out of those and to listen and to think about people as people and to imagine being in that person’s shoes.]] [[File:Barack Obama family portrait 2011.jpg|144px|thumb|right|The only thing that is the end of the world is the end of the world. And so, you get knocked down, you get up, brush yourself off and you get back to work.]] [[File:Pre-game at Browns Stadium.JPG|144px|thumb|right|I believe in this country. I believe in the American people. I believe that people are more good than bad. I believe tragic things happen. I think there’s evil in the world, but I think at the end of the day, if we work hard and if we’re true to those things in us that feel true and feel right, that the world gets a little better each time. That’s what this presidency has tried to be about.]] :<small>[https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/18/us/politics/obama-final-press-conference.html?_r=0 Full transcript of a news conference that President Obama held with the White House Press Corps in the White House in Washington, United States of America, as prepared by the Federal News Service. (January 18, 2017)]</small> * We have traveled the world together. We did a few singles, a few doubles together. I’ve offered advice that I thought was pretty sound, like don’t do stupid stuff.(LAUGHTER) And even when you complained about my long answers, I just want you to know that the only reason they were long was because you asked six-part questions.(LAUGHTER)But I have enjoyed working with all of you. That does not, of course, mean that I’ve enjoyed every story that you have filed, but that’s the point of this relationship. '''You’re not supposed to be''' (inaudible) '''fans, you’re supposed to be skeptics, you’re supposed to ask me tough questions. You’re not supposed to be complimentary, but you’re supposed to cast a critical eye on folks who hold enormous power and make sure that we are accountable to the people who sent us here''', and you have done that. And you have done it for the most part in ways that I could appreciate for fairness, even if I didn’t always agree with your conclusions. '''And having you in this building has made this place work better. It keeps us honest, it makes us work harder. You have made us think about how we are doing what we do and whether or not we’re able to deliver on what’s been requested by our constituents.''' ** On his reationship with the press in Washington, D.C. and its role in a democracy * I spent a lot of time on my — in my farewell address talking about '''the state of our democracy. It goes without saying that essential to that is a free press. That is part of how this place, this country, this grand experiment of self-government has to work. It doesn’t work if we don’t have a well-informed citizenry, and you are the conduit through which they receive the information about what’s taking place in the halls of power. So America needs you and our democracy needs you. We need you to establish a baseline of facts and evidence that we can use as a starting point for the kind of reasoned and informed debates that ultimately lead to progress. And so my hope is is that you will continue with the same tenacity that you showed us, to do the hard work of getting to the bottom of stories and getting them right and to push those of us in power to be the best version of ourselves and to push this country to be the best version of itself.''' ** On the role of the press in a democracy * '''I can tell you that''' — and this is something I have told [[Donald Trump|him]] — that '''this is a job of such magnitude that you can’t do it by yourself. You are enormously reliant on a team. Your Cabinet, your senior White House staff, all the way to fairly junior folks in their 20s and 30s but who are executing on significant responsibilities. And so, how you put a team together to make sure that they’re getting you the best information and they are teeing up the options from which you will ultimately make decisions. That’s probably the most useful constructive advice and the most constructive advice that I’ve been able to give him, that if you find yourself isolated because the process breaks down or if you’re only hearing from people who agree with you on everything or if you haven’t created a process that is fact-checking and probing and asking hard questions about policies or promises that you’ve made, that’s when you start making mistakes.And as I indicated in some of my previous remarks, reality has a way of biting back if you’re not paying attention to it.''' ** On the job of the U.S. President and the need of good advisers and staff * Well, let me be absolutely clear. I did not mean that I was going to be running for anything anytime soon. So, what I meant is that it’s important for me to take some time to process this amazing experience that we’ve gone through; to make sure that my wife, with whom I will be celebrating a 25th anniversary this year, is willing to re-up and put up with me for a little bit longer. [...] But '''there’s a difference between that normal functioning of politics and certain issues or certain moments where I think our core values may be at stake. I put in that category if I saw systematic discrimination being ratified in some fashion. I put in that category explicit or functional obstacles to people being able to vote, to exercise their franchise.I’d put in that category institutional efforts to silence dissent or the press. And for me at least, I would put in that category efforts to roundup kids who have grown up here and for all practical purposes are American kids, and send them someplace else, when they love this country. They are our kids’ friends and their classmates, and are now entering into community colleges or in some cases serving in our military, that the notion that we would just arbitrarily or because of politics punish those kids, when they didn’t do anything wrong themselves, I think would be something that would merit me speaking out.''' ** Partial answers on the questions: "And what did you mean when you said you would come back? Would you lobby Congress? Maybe explore the political arena again?" * But you know, we — '''when we feel stress, when we feel pressure, when we’re just fed information that encourages some of our worst instincts, we tend to fall back into some of the old racial fears and racial divisions and racial stereotypes, and it’s very hard for us to break out of those and to listen and to think about people as people and to imagine being in that person’s shoes.''' And by the way, it’s no longer a black and white issue alone. You got Hispanic folks and you got Asian folks, this is not just the same old battles that — we’ve got this stew that’s bubbling up from people everywhere and '''we’re going to have to make sure that we in our own lives and our own families and work places do a better job of treating everybody with basic respect and understanding''' that not everybody starts off in the same situation and imaging what would it be like if you were born in an inner city and had no job prospects anywhere within a 20 mile radius or how does it feel being born in some rural county where there’s no job opportunities within in a 20 mile radius and seeing those two things as connected as opposed to separate. So, you know, we got work to do, but overall, I think on this front, the trend lines, ultimately, I think will be good. * I think it was really interesting to see how [[w:Family of Barack Obama#Malia_and_Sasha_Obama|Malia and Sasha]] reacted. They were disappointed. They paid attention to what their mom said during the campaign and believed it because it’s consistent with what we have tried to teach them in our household and what I’ve tried to model as a father with their mom and what we’ve asked them to expect from future boyfriends or spouses. But what we’ve also tried to teach them is resilience and we’ve tried to teach them hope and that '''the only thing that is the end of the world is the end of the world. And so, you get knocked down, you get up, brush yourself off and you get back to work.''' * '''I believe in this country. I believe in the American people. I believe that people are more good than bad. I believe tragic things happen. I think there’s evil in the world, but I think at the end of the day, if we work hard and if we’re true to those things in us that feel true and feel right, that the world gets a little better each time.''' That’s what this presidency has tried to be about. ====Inauguration Day letter (January 2017)==== [[File:Obama edits speech before announcing death of Osama bin Laden.jpg|thumb|We are just temporary occupants of this office. That makes us guardians of those democratic institutions and traditions -- like rule of law, separation of powers, equal protection and civil liberties -- that our forebears fought and bled for. Regardless of the push and pull of daily politics, it's up to us to leave those instruments of our democracy at least as strong as we found them.]] :<small>Inauguration Day letter by Barack Obama to successor Donald Trump in the Oval Office on January 20, 2017 at the White House in Washingtton, D.C.. Sources: [https://edition.cnn.com/2017/09/03/politics/obama-trump-letter-inauguration-day/index.html "Exclusive: Read the Inauguration Day letter Obama left for Trump" by CNN's White House ProducerKevin Liptak on September 5, 2017.] and [https://time.com/4926116/barack-obama-letter-to-trump/ "Obama Offers Trump Advice In Inauguration Letter: 'American Leadership in This World Really is Indispensable’" by The Independent's Alana Abramson on September 3, 2017.]</small> Dear Mr. President Congratulations on [[w:2016 United States presidential election|a remarkable run]]. Millions have placed their hopes in you, and all of us, regardless of party, should hope for expanded prosperity and security during your tenure. '''This is a unique office, without a clear blueprint for success''', so I don't know that any advice from me will be particularly helpful. Still, let me offer a few reflections from the past 8 years. First, we've both been blessed, in different ways, with great good fortune. Not everyone is so lucky. It's up to us to do everything we can (to) build more ladders of success for every child and family that's willing to work hard. Second, '''American leadership in this world really is indispensable. It's up to us, through action and example, to sustain the international order that's expanded steadily since the end of the [[Cold War]], and upon which our own wealth and safety depend.''' Third, '''we are just temporary occupants of this office. That makes us guardians of those democratic institutions and traditions -- like [[w:rule of law|rule of law]], [[w:separation of powers|separation of powers]], [[w:Equal Protection Clause|equal protection]] and [[w:civil liberties|civil liberties]] -- that our [[w:Founding Fathers of the United States|forebears]] [[American Revolution|fought and bled for]]. Regardless of the push and pull of daily politics, it's up to us to leave those instruments of our democracy at least as strong as we found them.''' And finally, '''take time, in the rush of events and responsibilities, for friends and family. They'll get you through the inevitable rough patches.''' Michelle and I wish you and Melania the very best as you embark on this great adventure, and know that we stand ready to help in any ways which we can. Good luck and Godspeed,<br> BO ====Farewell to Staff Members (January 2017)==== [[File:OlusteeKAFL.jpg|thumb|The military is not a thing. It's a group of committed patriots willing to sacrifice everything on our behalf. It works only because of the people in it. As cool as the hardware is, and we have cool hardware, as cool as the machines and weapons and satellites are, ultimately it comes down to remarkable people.]] [[File:West and East Germans at the Brandenburg Gate in 1989.jpg|thumb|Our democracy is not the buildings, not the monuments. It's you being willing to work to make things better and being willing to listen to each other and argue with each other and come together and knock on doors and make phone calls and treat people with respect.]] :<small>Farewell to members of his staff on January 20, 2017 at Joint Base Andrews in Maryland before departing with his family for a vacation in California. Source: [http://edition.cnn.com/2017/01/20/politics/barack-obama-remarks/ Obama's post-inauguration remarks: Full text by CNN on January 20, 2017.]</small> * You know, I have said before, and I will say again, that '''when we started on this journey, we did so with an abiding faith in the American people and their ability, our ability, to join together and change the country in ways that would make life better for our kids and our grandkids.''' * '''That change didn't happen from the top down, but it happened from the bottom up.''' It was met sometimes with skepticism and doubt. Some folks didn't think we could pull it off. There were those that felt that the institutions of power and privilege in this country were too deeply entrenched. And yet, all of you came together in small towns and big cities, a whole bunch of you really young, and you decided to believe and you knocked on doors and you made phone calls and you talked to your parents who didn't know how to pronounce Barack Obama. And you got to know each other. And you went into communities that maybe you had never even thought about visiting and met people that on the surface seemed completely different than you -- didn't look like you or talk like you or watch the same TV programs as you. And yet, once you started talking to them, it turned out that you had something in common. And it grew and it built. And people took notice. And throughout, it was infused with a sense of hope. As I said in 2004, '''it wasn't blind optimism that drove you to do all of this work. It wasn't naiveté. It wasn't willful ignorance to all the challenges that America faces. It was hope in the face of difficulty. Hope in the face of uncertainty. You proved the power of hope.''' * And throughout this process, Michelle and I, we just have been your frontmen and women. We have been the face, sometimes the voice, out front on the TV screen or in front of the microphone, but this has never been about us. It has always been about you. And '''all the amazing things that happened over these last 10 years are really just a testament to you. In the same way that when we talk about our amazing military and our men and women in uniform, the military is not a thing. It's a group of committed patriots willing to sacrifice everything on our behalf. It works only because of the people in it. As cool as the hardware is, and we have cool hardware, as cool as the machines and weapons and satellites are, ultimately it comes down to remarkable people.''' * '''Our democracy is not the buildings, not the monuments. It's you being willing to work to make things better and being willing to listen to each other and argue with each other and come together and knock on doors and make phone calls and treat people with respect.''' And that doesn't end. This is just ... this is just a little pit stop. This is not a period, this is a comma in the continuing story of building America. * So, '''to all of you that have put your heart and soul, not just into the campaign but into making schools better, making sure our veterans got the care they needed, making sure that we left behind a planet that is safe and secure for our kids, making sure that hardworking people have a ladder of opportunity and can support families. For all of you, who have just done amazing remarkable work, most of it unheralded, most if without fanfare, most of it without you getting any word of thanks, we could not be prouder of you.''' === 2018 === * '''Here's the advice I give everyone about marriage — is she someone you find interesting?''' … You will spend more time with this person than anyone else for the rest of your life, and there is nothing more important than always wanting to hear what she has to say about things … Does she make you laugh? And I don’t know if you want kids, but if you do, do you think she will be a good mom? Life is long. These are the things that really matter over the long term. :* Marriage advice to [[w:Dan Pfeiffer|Dan Pfeiffer]] in [https://books.google.com/books/about/Yes_We_Still_Can.html?id=F8hdDwAAQBAJ&printsec=frontcover&source=kp_read_button ''Yes We Still Can''], chapter 9, (19 June 2018); as quoted in [https://www.indy100.com/article/barack-obama-marriage-advice-michelle-love-life-8436186 "Barack Obama says these are the three questions you must ask someone before you marry them"], by Narjas Zatat, ''The Independent'', (7 July 2018). * '''When words stop meaning anything, when truth doesn’t matter, when people can just lie with abandon, democracy can’t work.''' ** Speech at political rally on November 2, 2018. Source: [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2018/11/03/obama-rips-hecklers-why-are-people-who-won-last-election-so-mad-all-time/ Obama rips hecklers: Why are the people who won the last election ‘so mad all the time?'] ==== Nelson Mandela Annual Lecture (2018) ==== :<small> Nelson Mandela Annual Lecture in Johannesburg, South Africa (17 July 2018) · [https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/news/watch-barack-obamas-full-mandela-speech-in-south-africa Full transcript of Speech in ''The Washington Examiner'' (17 July 2018)]</small> * '''It was in service of this long walk towards freedom and justice and equal opportunity that Nelson Mandela devoted his life.''' At the outset, his struggle was particular to this place, to his homeland – a fight to end apartheid, a fight to ensure lasting political and social and economic equality for its disenfranchised non-white citizens. But through his sacrifice and unwavering leadership and, perhaps most of all, through his [[moral]] example, Mandela and the movement he led would come to signify something larger. '''He came to embody the universal aspirations of dispossessed people all around the world, their hopes for a better life, the possibility of a moral transformation in the conduct of human affairs.''' <br /> Madiba’s light shone so brightly, even from that narrow Robben Island cell, that in the late ‘70s he could inspire a young college student on the other side of the world to reexamine his own priorities, could make me consider the small role I might play in bending the arc of the world towards [[justice]]. And when later, as a law student, I witnessed Madiba emerge from prison, just a few months, you’ll recall, after the fall of the Berlin Wall, I felt the same wave of hope that washed through hearts all around the world. <br /> Do you remember that feeling? '''It seemed as if the forces of progress were on the march, that they were inexorable. Each step he took, you felt this is the moment when the old structures of violence and repression and ancient hatreds that had so long stunted people’s lives and confined the human spirit – that all that was crumbling before our eyes.''' And then, as Madiba guided this nation through negotiation painstakingly, reconciliation, its first fair and free elections; as we all witnessed the grace and the generosity with which he embraced former enemies, the wisdom for him to step away from power once he felt his job was complete, we understood that – we understood it was not just the subjugated, the oppressed who were being freed from the shackles of the past. The subjugator was being offered a gift, being given a chance to see in a new way, being given a chance to participate in the work of building a better world. * '''A politics of fear and resentment and retrenchment began to appear, and that kind of politics is now on the move. It’s on the move at a pace that would have seemed unimaginable just a few years ago. I am not being alarmist, I am simply stating the facts.''' Look around. Strongman politics are ascendant suddenly, whereby elections and some pretense of democracy are maintained – the form of it – but those in power seek to undermine every institution or norm that gives democracy meaning. In the West, you’ve got far-right parties that oftentimes are based not just on platforms of protectionism and closed borders, but also on barely hidden racial nationalism. Many developing countries now are looking at China’s model of [[authoritarian]] control combined with mercantilist capitalism as preferable to the messiness of democracy. Who needs free speech as long as the economy is going good? '''The [[free press]] is under attack. [[Censorship]] and state control of media is on the rise. Social media – once seen as a mechanism to promote knowledge and understanding and solidarity – has proved to be just as effective promoting hatred and paranoia and propaganda and conspiracy theories.''' * So, on Madiba’s 100th birthday, '''we [[now]] stand at a crossroads – a moment in time at which two very different visions of humanity’s future compete for the hearts and the minds of citizens around the world.''' Two different stories, two different narratives about who we are and who we should be. How should we respond? <br /> Should we see that wave of hope that we felt with Madiba’s release from prison, from the Berlin Wall coming down – should we see that hope that we had as naïve and misguided? Should we [[understand]] the last 25 years of global integration as nothing more than a detour from the previous inevitable cycle of [[history]] — where [[might]] makes right, and [[politics]] is a [[hostile]] [[competition]] between tribes and [[races]] and [[religions]], and [[nations]] [[compete]] in a zero-sum game, constantly teetering on the edge of conflict until full-blown [[war]] breaks out? Is that what we think? <br /> Let me tell you what I [[believe]]. '''I believe in [[Nelson Mandela]]’s [[Visions|vision]]. I believe in a vision shared by [[Gandhi]] and [[Martin Luther King|King]] and [[Abraham Lincoln]]. I believe in a vision of [[equality]] and [[justice]] and [[freedom]] and multi-racial [[democracy]], built on the premise that [[all]] people are created equal, and they’re endowed by our creator with certain inalienable [[rights]].''' And I believe that a [[world]] [[governed]] by such [[principles]] is possible and that it can achieve more [[peace]] and more [[cooperation]] in pursuit of a common good. That’s what I believe. <br /> And I believe we have no [[choice]] but to move forward; that those of us who believe in democracy and [[civil rights]] and a common [[humanity]] have a better [[story]] to tell. And I believe this not just based on sentiment, I believe it based on hard evidence. * The fact that the world’s most prosperous and successful societies, the ones with the highest living standards and the highest levels of satisfaction among their people, happen to be those which have most closely approximated the liberal, progressive ideal that we talk about and have nurtured the talents and contributions of all their citizens. <br /> '''The fact that authoritarian governments have been shown time and time again to breed corruption, because they’re not accountable; to repress their people; to lose touch eventually with reality; to engage in bigger and bigger lies that ultimately result in economic and political and cultural and scientific stagnation.''' Look at history. Look at the facts. <br /> The fact that countries which rely on rabid nationalism and xenophobia and doctrines of tribal, racial, or religious superiority as their main organizing principle, the thing that holds people together – eventually those countries find themselves consumed by civil war or external war. Check the history books. <br /> The fact that technology cannot be put back in a bottle, so we’re stuck with the fact that we now live close together and populations are going to be moving, and environmental challenges are not going to go away on their own, so that the only way to effectively address problems like climate change or mass migration or pandemic disease will be to develop systems for more international cooperation, not less. * We have a better story to tell. But to say that our vision for the future is better is not to say that it will inevitably win. Because history also shows the power of fear. History shows the lasting hold of greed and the desire to dominate others in the minds of men. Especially men. History shows how easily people can be convinced to turn on those who look different, or worship God in a different way. So, if we’re truly to continue Madiba’s long walk towards freedom, we’re going to have to work harder and we’re going to have to be smarter. * '''Madiba reminds us that: “No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart.” '''Love comes more naturally to the human heart, let’s remember that truth. Let’s see it as our North Star, let’s be joyful in our struggle to make that truth manifest here on earth so that in 100 years from now, future generations will look back and say, “they kept the march going, that’s why we live under new banners of freedom.” Thank you very much, South Africa, thank you. ==== Speech at the University of Illinoise Speech (2018) ==== [[File:Discurso funebre pericles.PNG|144px|thumb|right|The biggest threat to our democracy is indifference. The biggest threat to our democracy is cynicism – a cynicism that’s led too many people to turn away from politics and stay home on election day.]] [[File:Goddess of Democracy at UBC.jpg|144px|thumb|right|So if you don’t like what’s going on right now – and you shouldn’t – do not complain. Don’t get anxious. Don’t retreat. Don’t lose yourself in ironic detachment. Don’t put your head in the sand. Don’t boo. Vote.]] [[File:Streichholz.jpg|144px|thumb|right|Change happens. Hope happens. Not perfection. Not every bit of cruelty and sadness and poverty and disease suddenly stricken from the earth. There will still be problems. But with each new candidate that surprises you with a victory that you supported, a spark of hope happens.]] :<small> Speech at the University of Illinois (7. September 2018). As quoted in the September 8, 2018 The Guardian article "[https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/sep/08/barack-obama-you-need-to-vote-because-our-democracy-depends-on-it Barack Obama: you need to vote because our democracy depends on it]".</small> * '''Appealing to tribe, appealing to fear, pitting one group against another, telling people that order and security will be restored if it weren’t for those who don’t look like us or don’t sound like us or don’t pray like we do, that’s an old playbook. It’s as old as time. And in a healthy democracy it doesn’t work. Our antibodies kick in, and people of goodwill from across the political spectrum callout the bigots and the fearmongers, and work to compromise and get things done and promote the better angels of our nature.''' * But when '''there’s a vacuum in our democracy, when we don’t vote, when we take our basic rights and freedoms for granted, when we turn away and stop paying attention and stop engaging and stop believing and look for the newest diversion, the electronic versions of bread and circuses, then other voices fill the void. A politics of fear and resentment and retrenchment takes hold. And demagogues promise simple fixes to complex problems. They promise to fight for the little guy even as they cater to the wealthiest and the most powerful. They promise to clean up corruption and then plunder away. They start undermining norms that ensure accountability, try to change the rules to entrench their power further. And they appeal to racial nationalism that’s barely veiled, if veiled at all.''' * It should not be Democratic or Republican, it should not be a partisan issue to say that we do not pressure the attorney general or the FBI to use the criminal justice system as a cudgel to punish our political opponents. Or to explicitly call on the attorney general to protect members of our own party from prosecution because an election happens to be coming up. I’m not making that up. That’s not hypothetical. It shouldn’t be Democratic or Republican to say that we don’t threaten the freedom of the press because they say things or publish stories we don’t like. '''I complained plenty about Fox News but you never heard me threaten to shut them down, or call them enemies of the people. It shouldn’t be Democratic or Republican to say we don’t target certain groups of people based on what they look like or how they pray. We are Americans. We’re supposed to stand up to bullies. Not follow them. We’re supposed to stand up to discrimination. And we’re sure as heck supposed to stand up, clearly and unequivocally, to Nazi sympathizers. How hard can that be? Saying that Nazis are bad.''' I’ll be honest, sometimes I get into arguments with progressive friends about what the current political movement requires. '''There are well-meaning folks passionate about social justice, who think things have gotten so bad, the lines have been so starkly drawn, that we have to fight fire with fire, we have to do the same things to the Republicans that they do to us, adopt their tactics, say whatever works, make up stuff about the other side. I don’t agree with that.''' * And '''we won’t win people over by calling them names, or dismissing entire chunks of the country as racist, or sexist, or homophobic. When I say bring people together, I mean all of our people.''' You know, this whole notion that has sprung up recently about Democrats need to choose between trying to appeal to the white working class voters, or voters of color, and women and LGBT Americans, that’s nonsense. I don’t buy that. I got votes from every demographic. '''We won by reaching out to everybody and competing everywhere and by fighting for every vote. And that’s what we’ve got to do in this election and every election after that.''' * '''One election will not fix everything that needs to be fixed, but it will be a start. And you have to start it. What’s going to fix our democracy is you. People ask me, what are you going to do for the election? No, the question is: what are you going to do? You’re the antidote. Your participation and your spirit and your determination, not just in this election but in every subsequent election, and in the days between elections.''' * Because in the end, the threat to our democracy doesn’t just come from Donald Trump or the current batch of Republicans in Congress or the Koch Brothers and their lobbyists, or too much compromise from Democrats, or Russian hacking. '''The biggest threat to our democracy is indifference. The biggest threat to our democracy is cynicism – a cynicism that’s led too many people to turn away from politics and stay home on election day. To all the young people''' who are here today, t'''here are now more eligible voters in your generation than in any other, which means your generation now has more power than anybody to change things. If you want it, you can make sure America gets out of its current funk. If you actually care about it, you have the power to make sure we seize a brighter future. But to exercise that clout, to exercise that power, you have to show up.''' * '''So if you don’t like what’s going on right now – and you shouldn’t – do not complain. Don’t hashtag. Don’t get anxious. Don’t retreat. Don’t binge on whatever it is you’re bingeing on. Don’t lose yourself in ironic detachment. Don’t put your head in the sand. Don’t boo. Vote. You’ve got to vote. When you vote, you’ve got the power to make it easier to afford college, and harder to shoot up a school. When you vote, you’ve got the power to make sure a family keeps its health insurance; you could save somebody’s life.''' * '''So if you don’t like what’s going on right now – and you shouldn’t – do not complain. Don’t hashtag. Don’t get anxious. Don’t retreat. Don’t binge on whatever it is you’re bingeing on. Don’t lose yourself in ironic detachment. Don’t put your head in the sand. Don’t boo. Vote. You’ve got to vote. When you vote, you’ve got the power to make it easier to afford college, and harder to shoot up a school. When you vote, you’ve got the power to make sure a family keeps its health insurance; you could save somebody’s life.''' * '''Change happens. Hope happens. Not perfection. Not every bit of cruelty and sadness and poverty and disease suddenly stricken from the earth. There will still be problems. But with each new candidate that surprises you with a victory that you supported, a spark of hope happens.''' === 2019 === [[File:Johann Sperl Mädchen im Bauerngarten.jpg|thumb|Democracy is a garden that has to be tended.]] [[File:A Conversation with President Barack Obama (33654315768).jpg|thumb|This [[idea]] of [[purity]] and that you’re never [[compromised]] and you’re always [[politically]] [[w:Woke|woke]] — you should get over that quickly. The [[world]] is messy. There are [[ambiguities]]. [[People]] who do really [[good]] stuff have [[flaws]].]] * Some of you may be aware our gun laws in the United States don’t make much sense. Anybody can buy any weapon any time — without much if any regulation, they can buy it over the Internet, they can buy machine gun. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Shx-sXngQUI&t=2182s Comments at VTEX Day digital convention in Sao Paulo, Brazil (30 May 2019)]; also quoted in "Obama tells Brazil: In America ‘anybody can buy any weapon any time", ''Washington Examiner'' (31 May 2019) * '''Democracy is a garden that has to be tended.''' ** Remarks during conference held on March 6, 2019 by Qualtrics, a tech company in Salt Lake City. As quoted in the March 7, 2019 article "[https://web.archive.org/web/20191127211836/https://www.businessinsider.de/obama-issued-a-warning-on-the-political-climate-i-like-the-rule-of-law-democracy-competency-and-facts-those-things-arent-partisan-but-they-also-dont-happen-auatomatically-2019-3?r=US&IR=T Obama warns that if the world isn't careful, democracy could be in danger: 'Democracy is a garden that has to be tended']" by Business Insider Deutschland author Julie Bort. * This idea of purity and that you’re never compromised and you’re always politically [[w:Woke|woke]] — you should get over that quickly. … The world is messy. There are ambiguities. People who do really good stuff have flaws. People who you are fighting may love their kids, and share certain things with you. … I do get a sense sometimes now among certain young people, and this is accelerated by [[social media]] — there is this sense sometimes of the way of me making change is to be as judgmental as possible about other people, and that’s enough. If I [[w:Tweet|tweet]] or [[w:Hashtag|hashtag]] about how you didn’t do something right or used the wrong verb, then I can sit back and feel pretty good about myself. Did you see how woke I was, I called you out. Then I’m going to get on my TV and watch my show … That’s not [[activism]]. That’s not bringing about change. If all you’re doing is casting stones, you’re probably not going to get that far. ** Comments at an Obama Foundation event, Chicago (29 October 2019), as quoted in [https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/obama-calls-out-call-out-culture-not-activism-905600/ "Obama Calls Out Online Call-Out Culture: 'That’s Not Activism"", ''Rolling Stone'' (30 October 2019)] ===2020=== *Considering his enormous impact on the history of this country, what always struck those who met [[John Lewis (civil rights leader)|John]] was his [[gentleness]] and [[humility]]. Born into modest means in the heart of the [[W:Jim Crow South|Jim Crow South]], he understood that he was just one of a long line of heroes in the struggle for [[w:racial justice|racial justice]]. Early on, he embraced the principles of [[nonviolent resistance]] and [[civil disobedience]] as the means to bring about real change in this country, understanding that such tactics had the power not only to change laws, but to change hearts and minds as well. **Quoted in [https://www.sandiegouniontribune.com/news/nation-world/story/2020-07-18/rep-john-lewis-remembered-for-legacy-of-good-trouble Rep. John Lewis remembered for legacy of ‘good trouble’, ''United Press, San Diego Union-Tribune''], (18 July 2020) * We won’t have a president that threatens people with jail for just criticizing him ** Talking about [[President Trump]] on the campaign trail for [[Joe Biden]] in [[https://www.wlrn.org/2020-10-25/obama-hits-campaign-trail-in-south-florida-criticizing-trumps-behavior-as-worse-than-florida-man Obama Hits Campaign Trail In South Florida, Criticizing Trump's Behavior As Worse Than Florida Man] October 25, 2020 ==== ''[[w:A Promised Land|A Promised Land]]'' (2020) ==== * Unfortunately for McCain, it was precisely these voices of the hard Right that were exciting the core GOP voters most likely to vote in presidential primaries, rather than the business-friendly, strong-on-defense, socially moderate Republicans McCain appealed to and was most comfortable with. And as the Republican primary wore on, and McCain sought to win over some of the very people he professed to despise- as he abandoned any pretense of fiscal rectitude in favor of even bigger tax cuts than the Bush tax cuts he'd once voted against, and hedged his position on climate change to accommodate fossil fuel interests- I sensed a change taking place in him. He seemed pained, uncertain- the once jaunty, irreverent warrior transformed into a cranky Washington insider, lassoed to an incumbent president with an approval rating around 30 percent and a hugely unpopular war. ** p. 153 * Short, owlish, with a smooth Kentucky accent, McConnell seemed an unlikely Republican leader. He showed no aptitude for schmoozing, backslapping, or rousing oratory. As far as anyone could tell, he had no close friends even in his own caucus, nor did he appear to have any strong convictions beyond an almost religious opposition to any version of campaign finance reform. Joe told me of one run-in he'd had on the Senate floor after the Republican leader blocked a bill Joe was sponsoring; when Joe tried to explain the bill's merits, McConnell raised his hand like a traffic cop and said, "You must be under the mistaken impression that I care." But what McConnell lacked in charisma or interest in policy he more than made up for in discipline, shrewdness, and shamelessness- all of which he employed in the single-minded and dispassionate pursuit of power. ** p. 245-246 ===2022=== *As we grieve the children of Uvalde today, we should take time to recognize that two years have passed since the murder of George Floyd under the knee of a police officer. His killing stays with us all to this day, especially those who loved him. **25 May 2022 [https://twitter.com/BarackObama/status/1529555038246428672 tweet] {{misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == * We are no longer a Christian nation; we are now a nation of Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists. ** Misquoted in similar letters to the editor to the ''San Angelo Standard-Times'', {{#formatdate:2008-07-29}} and the ''Inland Valley Daily Bulletin'', {{#formatdate:2008-07-29}}, and many identical posts under different names to various online news sites, quoted in {{citation | date = 2008-08-26 | title = Obama and the “Christian Nation” Quote | periodical = Factcheck.org | url = http://www.factcheck.org/2008/08/obama-and-the-christian-nation-quote/ }} ** President Obama actually said, in his keynote address to ''Sojourners'' magazine's "Call to Renewal" conference on {{#formatdate:2006-06-28}} (see above), "Whatever we once were, we are no longer a Christian nation — at least, not ''just''. We are also a Jewish nation, a Muslim nation, a Buddhist nation, and a Hindu nation, and a nation of nonbelievers." * I found a solace in nursing a pervasive sense of grievance and animosity against my mother's race. ** Circulated in [http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/coilofrage.asp "A Coil of Rage"], a 2011 mass e-mail attributing several fabricated quotations to Obama. ** Originally a statement about Obama by Steve Sailer from "Obama's Identity Crisis", ''The American Conservative'' ({{#formatdate:2007-03-06}}), recast into first-person as if said by Obama: *** And yet, at least through age 33 when he wrote ''Dreams from My Father'', he found solace in nursing a pervasive sense of grievance and animosity against his mother's race. * I never emulate white men and brown men whose fates didn't speak to my own. It was into my father's image, the black man, son of Africa, that I'd packed all the attributes I sought in myself, the attributes of Martin and Malcolm, DuBois and Mandela. ** Circulated in [http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/coilofrage.asp "A Coil of Rage"], a 2011 mass e-mail attributing several fabricated quotations to Obama. ** Obama actually wrote, in ''[[Dreams from My Father]]'', p. 220: *** Yes, I'd seen weakness in other men — Gramps and his disappointments, Lolo [my adoptive father] and his compromise. But these men had become object lessons for me, men I might love but never emulate, <span style="color:gray">white men and brown men whose fates didn't speak to my own. It was into my father's image, the black man, son of Africa, that I'd packed all the attributes I sought in myself, the attributes of Martin and Malcolm, DuBois and Mandela.</span> * I will stand with the Muslims should the political winds shift in an ugly direction. ** Circulated in [http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/coilofrage.asp "A Coil of Rage"], a 2011 mass e-mail attributing several fabricated quotations to Obama. ** Obama actually wrote, in ''[[The Audacity of Hope]]'', p. 261: *** In the wake of 9/11, my meetings with Arab and Pakistani Americans, for example, have a more urgent quality, for the stories of detentions and FBI questioning and hard stares from neighbors have shaken their sense of security and belonging. They have been reminded that the history of immigration in this country has a dark underbelly; they need specific reassurances that their citizenship really means something, that America has learned the right lessons from the Japanese internments during World War II, and that <span style="color:gray">I will stand with</span> them <span style="color:gray">should the political winds shift in an ugly direction</span> * If we keep talking about the economy, we're going to lose. ** Misattributed by Mitt Romney "[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3a7FC0Jkv8 Believe in America]" campaign ad ({{#formatdate:2011-11-21}}) ** Senator Barack Obama quoted those words in a New Hampshire campaign speech on {{#formatdate:2008-10-16}}, saying "[[John McCain|Senator McCain]]'s campaign actually said, and I quote, <span style="color:gray">'If we keep talking about the economy, we're going to lose.'</span>" *** {{cite web | date = 2011-11-22 | title = Mitt Romney ad charges Obama said, 'If we keep talking about the economy, we’re going to lose' | work = Politifact | url = http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2011/nov/22/mitt-romney/mitt-romney-says-obama-said-if-we-keep-talking-abo/ | accessdate = 2012-10-08 }} * Unlike some people, I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. ** Misquoted by {{cite web | date = 2012-04-18 | author = Allahpundit | title = Obama: Unlike some people, I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth | work = Hot Air | url = http://hotair.com/archives/2012/04/18/obama-unlike-some-people-i-wasnt-born-with-a-silver-spoon-in-my-mouth/ | accessdate = 2012-10-08 }}, and publicized by {{w|Steve Doocy}}, ''{{w|Fox & Friends}}'' ({{#formatdate:2012-04-19}}), Fox News ** President Obama actually said, in a [http://www.whitehouse.gov/photos-and-video/video/2012/04/18/president-obama-speaks-skills-american-workers campaign speech in Elyria, Ohio] on {{#formatdate:2012-04-18}}, "Somebody gave me an education. <span style="color:gray">I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth.</span> Michelle wasn't. But somebody gave us a chance, just like these folks up here are looking for a chance." *** {{citation | date = 2012-04-23 | title = Steve Doocy's Silver Spoon Subtext Reporting | periodical = The Colbert Report | publisher = Comedy Central | url = http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/413071/april-23-2012/steve-doocy-s-subtext-reporting }} * If you've been successful, you didn't get there on your own. If you've got a business, you didn't build that, somebody else made that happen. ** Misquoted by Mitt Romney "[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLZpMFbxyxU These Hands]" campaign ad ({{#formatdate:2012-07-19}})<!--formerly at http://www.mittromney.com/forms/these-hands0--> *** {{cite web | date = 2012-07-19 | title = Romney video deceptively edits Obama speech to make it sound anti-business | first = Greg | last = Sargent | blog = The Plum Line | publisher = {{w|The Washington Post}} | url = http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/plum-line/post/the-morning-plum-romney-video-deceptively-edits-obama-speech-to-make-it-sound-anti-business/2012/07/19/gJQAoRpavW_blog.html | accessdate = 2012-10-08 }} ** The [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Lr49t4-2b8 Web version of the ad] uses a <span style="color:grey">longer misquote</span>: "If you've been successful, you didn't get there on your own. You didn't get there on your own. I'm always struck by people who think, "well, it must be because I was just so smart." There are a lot of smart people out there. "It must be because I worked harder than everybody else." Let me tell you something — if you've got a business, you didn't build that. Somebody else made that happen. ** Splices two parts of a speech in Roanoke, Virginia on {{#formatdate:2012-07-13}} (see above). Full quote: ***<p>There are a lot of wealthy, successful Americans who agree with me — because they want to give something back. They know they didn't — look, <span style="color:darkgrey">if you've been successful, you didn't get there on your own.</span> <span style="color:grey">You didn't get there on your own. I'm always struck by people who think, "well, it must be because I was just so smart." There are a lot of smart people out there. "It must be because I worked harder than everybody else." Let me tell you something —</span> there are a whole bunch of hardworking people out there.</p><p>If you were successful, somebody along the line gave you some help. There was a great teacher somewhere in your life. Somebody helped to create this unbelievable American system that we have that allowed you to thrive. Somebody invested in roads and bridges; <span style="color:darkgrey">if you've got a business, you didn't build that. Somebody else made that happen.</span> The Internet didn't get invented on its own. Government research created the Internet so that all the companies could make money off the Internet.</p> * These types of mass shootings don't happen in other countries. ** Taken out of context in an [http://buzzpo.com/hours-after-paris-terror-attacks-meme-surfaces-that-calls-obama-out/ Internet meme]. Two sources for the original quote are: *** "At some point, we as a country will have to reckon with the fact that this type of mass violence does not happen in other advanced countries. It doesn’t happen in other places with this kind of frequency." {{citation | date = 2015-06-18 | title = Statement by the President on the Shooting in Charleston, South Carolina | url = https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/06/18/statement-president-shooting-charleston-south-carolina }} *** "We are the only advanced country on Earth that sees these kinds of mass shootings every few months." {{citation | date = 2015-10-01 | title = Statement by the President on the Shootings at Umpqua Community College, Roseburg, Oregon | url = https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/10/01/statement-president-shootings-umpqua-community-college-roseburg-oregon }} ** Cf. Obama in [[Paris]] on December 1st, 2015: "I say this every time we've got one of these mass shootings; this just doesn't happen in other countries." (Paris itself had just been "hit with a series of [[November 2015 Paris attacks|simultaneous terrorist attacks]]. The majority of 130 deaths were in mass shooting attacks, where the [[ISIS]]-affiliated terrorists attacked public places with automatic rifles." — as reported in {{citation | date = 2015-12-01 | title = Obama Speaking in Paris: Mass Shootings ‘Don’t Happen in Other Countries’ | author = Alex Griswold | newspaper = mediaite.com | url = http://www.mediaite.com/tv/obama-speaking-in-paris-mass-shootings-dont-happen-in-other-countries/ }}). {{misattributed end}} == Quotes about Obama == :<small>Alphabetized by author </small> [[File:Wandbild Portrait George Floyd von Eme Street Art im Mauerpark (Berlin).jpg|thumb|[[Neoliberalism]] with a Black face is neither the index of a revolutionary advance nor the end of anti-Blackness as a constituent element of U.S. antagonisms. If anything, the election of Obama enables a plethora of shaming discourses in response to revolutionary politics and “legitimates” widespread disavowal of any notion that the United States itself, and not merely its policies and practices, is unethical. ~ [[Frank Wilderson]]]] [[File:Obamas and Bidens at Lincoln Memorial 1-18-09 hires 090118-N-9954T-057.jpg|thumb|I mean, you got the first mainstream African American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man. ~ [[Joe Biden]] ]] [[File:Five Presidents 2009.jpg|thumb|People don't come to Obama for what he's done in the Senate. They come because of what they hope he could be. ~ [[w:Bruce Reed|Bruce Reed]] ]] [[File:Oprah Winfrey with Barack and Michelle Obama.jpg|thumb|It felt like a new day. ~ [[Oprah Winfrey]] ]] [[File:President Bush, Barack Obama walking.jpg|thumb|If the U.S. government had prosecuted [[G.W. Bush|Bush administration]] officials for their war crimes during the “war on terror,” the [[ICC]] would not now take jurisdiction. But after [[Barack Obama]]  said, “Generally speaking, I’m more interested in looking forward than I am in looking backwards,” his administration refused to prosecute those implicated in the torture and willful killings of detainees during the Bush administration. ~[[Marjorie Cohn]]]] === A === * Obama wants to rule the world, but he can't even control his own emotions, he doesn't even know how to spell his own name properly. **[[Mahmoud Ahmadinejad]], reported on [http://politics.blogs.foxnews.com/2011/02/18/ahmadinejad-obama-cant-spell-obama#ixzz1pkEko0Id/ Fox News] (18 February 2011) * For all President Trump's talk these days about Democrats trying to make America socialist, the reality is that he is the king of big government. The federal bureaucracy is just as large, centralized, careless with spending, and intrusive under Donald Trump as it was when Barack Obama was in office. In many cases, it's bigger. This is an uncomfortable truth for Trump supporters. Rather than hew to traditional conservative beliefs about a limited federal role, Trump has allowed government to balloon. He's especially vexed when we inform him the government will never be large enough or powerful enough to execute his spontaneous propositions. The US federal budget deficit was actually declining under the Obama administration, from $1.4 trillion in 2009 when Obama took office to $587 billion in 2016, just before he left. Credit for the remarkable downward trend goes to congressional Republicans, who forced a standoff with the White House in 2011. They demanded a budget deal that would bring the deficit under control. This was the Budget Control Act, a law that slashed federal spending, put strict annual limits on future expenditures, and placed a cap on the government's "credit card." It was considered the conservative "Tea Party" movement's crowning achievement. ** Anonymous, ''A Warning'' (2019), p. 99-100 * Not a single day goes by that President Trump's outrageous statements don't confound someone on his team, if not all of us. I know other administrations dealt with this every once in a while. Obama's cabinet officials complained quietly that their boss would talk an issue to death and couldn't make up his mind. Bush aides winced at the president's foot-in-mouth moments. However, I also know that none of them had to deal with these frustrations on a daily basis. ** Anonymous, ''A Warning'' (2019), p. 190 * I am reminded of the phrase the audacity of hope. Who can say that the president of the United States is not audacious? Was it not audacious for him to say on Tuesday that the United States supported the forces of change in the {{w|Arab Spring}}? * Tunisian history did not begin in December 2010. And {{w|Mohamed Bouazizi}} did not set himself on fire so Barack Obama could be re-elected. His death was an emblem of the despair he had to endure under the [[w:Zine El Abidine Ben Ali|Ben Ali]] regime. The world knew after reading {{w|WikiLeaks}} publications that Ben Ali and his government had long enjoyed the indifference, if not the support, of the United States in full knowledge of its excesses and its crimes. ** [[Julian Assange]], address to United Nations, {{#formatdate:2012-09-26}}, quoted in {{citation | date = 2012-09-26 | title = Assange Addresses UN Members, Lambasts Obama’s UN Address for Rewriting History | first = Kevin | last = Gosztola | periodical = Firedoglake | url = http://dissenter.firedoglake.com/2012/09/26/assange-addresses-un-members-lambasts-obamas-un-address-for-rewriting-history/ | accessdate = 2012-09-27 }} * He’s gentle towards the Muslims generally. Obama uses the word “terrorism” far less than his predecessor George W. Bush, and his name is a variant of the Arabic word {{w|Barakah}}. ** [[Hassan al-Turabi]] in [http://english.alarabiya.net/articles/2012/11/05/247718.html "‘Baraka’ means blessing, that’s why Obama should win: Sudan Islamist" in ''Al Arabiya'' (5 November 2012)] * '''[[Glenn Beck]]''': This president, I think, has exposed himself as a guy, over and over and over again, who has a deep-seated hatred for white people, or the white culture, I don't know what it is.<br>'''[[Brian Kilmeade]]''': Listen, you can't say he doesn't like white people. [[w:David Axelrod (political consultant)|David Axelrod]]'s white, [[w:Rahm Emanuel|Rahm Emanuel]]'s his chief of staff, I think 70% of the people we see every day are white. [[w:Robert Gibbs|Robert Gibbs]] is white—<br />'''Glenn Beck''': I'm not saying that he doesn't like white people, I'm saying he has a ''problem''. He has a — this guy is, I believe, a ''racist''. ** [[Glenn Beck]], {{citation |title = Fox & Friends |date = 2009-07-28}} ** {{citation | title = Beck: Obama has "exposed himself as a guy" with "a deep-seated hatred for white people" | date = 2009-07-28 | periodical = [[w:Media Matters for America|Media Matters for America]] | url = http://mediamatters.org/mmtv/200907280008}} * ''Ho detto a Medvedev che Obama ha tutto per andare d'accordo con lui: è giovane, bello e anche abbronzato.'' * Translation: Barack Obama being young, handsome and sun-tanned is going to get along with you swimmingly. ** [[Silvio Berlusconi]] to [[w:Dmitry Medvedev|Dmitry Medvedev]], as reported in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7715016.stm ''BBC News'' (7 November 2008)] ** As quoted in [http://www.rainews24.it/Notizia.asp?NewsId=87987 ''Rainnews 24'' (6 November 2008)] * I would say [..] he's probably the smartest guy ever to become president. ** {{w|Michael Beschloss}}. [http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2011/jan/4/presidents-incomplete-report-card/] * I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man. **Senator [[Joe Biden]], D-Del., about running for the Democratic nomination against Obama, as quoted in [http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/story?id=2838420&page=1 "A Biden Problem: Foot in Mouth" by Jake Tapper at ABCNews.com (31 January 2007)] * '''No President of the United States could represent the United States were he not committed to human rights.''' If you don’t understand this, you can’t deal with us. '''President Barack Obama would not be able to stay in power if he did not speak of it. So look at it as a political imperative. It doesn’t make us better or worse. It’s who we are. You make your decisions. We’ll make ours.''' ** [[Joe Biden]] in a conversation with [[Xi Jinping]], as quoted in Osnos, Evan (6 April 2012). "''[https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/04/06/born-red Born Red: How Xi Jinping, an unremarkable provincial administrator, became China's most authoritarian leader since Mao.]''" The New Yorker. Retrieved 10 October 2019. [https://web.archive.org/web/20191010174203/https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/04/06/born-red Archieved] from the original on October 10, 2019. * Obama blames economic woes, some real some manufactured (“inequality”) on a philosophy and policy that was abandoned a century ago. What doesn’t exist is what he says didn’t work.<br /> Obama absurdly suggests that timid, half-hearted, compromisers, like George W. Bush, installed laissez-faire capitalism–on the grounds that they tinkered with one or two regulations (Glass-Steagall) and marginal tax rates–while blanking out the fact that under the Bush administration, government spending ballooned, growing much faster than under Clinton, and 50,000 new regulations were added to the Federal Register. **[[w:Harry Binswanger|Harry Binswanger]] in [http://www.forbes.com/sites/harrybinswanger/2013/12/31/obama-to-americans-you-dont-deserve-to-be-free/ ''Forbes'' (31 December 2013)] * Did NATO have problems? Of course. Not for nothing was Henry Kissinger's famous 1965 work entitled ''The Troubled Partnership: A Reappraisal of the Atlantic Alliance''. The list of NATO's deficiencies was long, including, after the Soviet Union's 1991 collapse, the feckless abandonment by several European members of their responsibility to provide for their own self-defense. Under President Clinton, America suffered its own military declines, as he and others saw the collapse of Communism as "the end of history," slashing defense budgets to spend on politically beneficial domestic welfare programs. This "peace dividend" illusion never ended in much of Europe, but it ended in America with the September 11 mass murders in New York and Washington by Islamicist terrorists. NATO's future has been intensely debated among national-security experts for decades, with many urging a broader post-Cold War agenda. Barack Obama criticized NATO members for being "free riders," not spending adequately on their own defense budgets, but, typically, he had simply graced the world with his views, doing nothing to see them carried out. ** [[John Bolton]], ''The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir'' (2020), p. 133-134 * Americans still admire dignity. But the word has become unmoored from any larger set of rules or ethical system. <br> But it’s not right to end on a note of cultural pessimism because there is the fact of President Obama. Whatever policy differences people may have with him, we can all agree that he exemplifies reticence, dispassion and the other traits associated with dignity. The cultural effects of his presidency are not yet clear, but they may surpass his policy impact. He may revitalize the concept of dignity for a new generation and embody a new set of rules for self-mastery. ** [[David Brooks]] in [http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/07/opinion/07brooks.html?_r=1 "In Search of Dignity" in ''The New York Times'' (6 July 2009)] * I think that Obama doesn’t like his job, actually. I think that he is genuinely of a professorial disposition in the sense that I think that he’s interested in chewing over the pros and cons, and he doesn’t like, he doesn’t like power and he doesn’t know how to exercise power. And I think knowing how to exercise power is absolutely crucial. He doesn’t understand how to underpin his ideas with the political gritty, granular business of getting it done. And that kind of gap has just widened and widened and widened. ** {{w|Tina Brown}} on ''{{w|Morning Joe}}'', November 30, 2011.[http://newsbusters.org/blogs/mark-finkelstein/2011/11/30/tina-brown-obama-doesnt-his-job] * '''In 2008, many of Barack Obama’s supporters thought they might be electing another [[John F. Kennedy]]. But his recent maneuvers increasingly suggest that they selected another [[Dwight Eisenhower]].''' <br> That’s not a comment on President Obama’s effectiveness or ideology, but rather on his conception of presidential leadership. Whether he is confronting the turmoil reshaping the Middle East or the escalating budget wars in Washington, '''Obama most often uses a common set of strategies to pursue his goals. Those strategies have less in common with Kennedy’s inspirational, public-oriented leadership than with the muted, indirect, and targeted Eisenhower model that political scientist''' [http://www.princeton.edu/~fig/ '''Fred Greenstein'''] '''memorably described as a “hidden hand” presidency.'''<br>This approach has allowed Obama to achieve many of his domestic and international aims — from passing the health reform legislation that marked its stormy first anniversary this week to encouraging Egypt’s peaceful transfer of power. But, like it did for Eisenhower, this style has exposed Obama to charges of passivity, indecisiveness, and leading from behind. The pattern has left even some of his supporters uncertain whether he is shrewd — or timid. ** Ronald Brownstein, in [http://www.nationaljournal.com/columns/political-connections/obama-a-lot-like-ike-20110324 "Like Ike" in ''NationaJournal'' (25 March 2011)] [[File:Jfk2.jpg|thumb|President Obama is no JFK. He lacks the decisiveness, the ability to command, the knowledge of the world, the understanding of the moment, and the sense of history that was at the core of JFK’s presidency. ~ [[Brent Budowsky]].]] *'''President Obama is no JFK. He lacks the decisiveness, the ability to command, the knowledge of the world, the understanding of the moment, and the sense of history that was at the core of JFK’s presidency.''' **[[Brent Budowsky]], as quoted in [https://observer.com/2015/11/barack-obama-is-no-jfk/ ''Barack Obama Is No JFK''] (25 November 2015) *Instead of acknowledging that the current policy needs to be strengthened—as JFK acknowledged when he took responsibility for the Bay of Pigs failure—Mr. Obama claimed success for his current policy and offered literally nothing new except for calling on other nations to take stronger action. **[[Brent Budowsky]], as quoted in [https://observer.com/2015/11/barack-obama-is-no-jfk/ ''Barack Obama Is No JFK''] (25 November 2015) *[[w:Barack Obama|President Obama]]'s got plenty of critics, and I'm not going to be one. **[[George W. Bush]], [http://www.nbcnews.com/video/nbc-news/40073863#40074095 Interview with Matt Lauer] (2010), aired 8 November 2010. *Frankly, I think it's bad for former presidents. I like the model of President [[Gerald Ford|Ford]] and [[George H. W. Bush|my dad]]. When they got off the stage, you get off the stage. It's somebody else's turn, and I don't think it's good for the country nor the presidency for me to be criticizing my successor, and I don't intend to do that. Nor do I intend to be giving you my opinion, on the latest issue. So you're not going to see much of me, and I'm perfectly content with that. I'm a happy guy, I really am. **[[George W. Bush]], [http://www.c-span.org/video/?297693-1/qa-former-president-george-w-bush ''Q&A with Former President George W. Bush''] (24 January 2011), C-SPAN, Southern Methodist University, Dallas, Texas. === C === * President Obama is so much smarter and a better communicator than members of Congress in either party. The contrast, side by side, is almost ridiculous. ** {{w|Jonathan Chait}}, as quoted in [http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2010/mar/02/pruden-crucial-fdr-lesson-mr-obama-missed/ ''PRUDEN: An FDR lesson Obama missed'' by Wesley Pruden in ''The Washingtin Times'' (March 2, 2010)] * Mr. Obama decided to attack us, Now you want to win votes by attacking Venezuela. Don't be irresponsible. You are a clown, a clown. Leave us in peace … Go after your votes by fulfilling that which you promised your people. **[[Hugo Chavez]] in a [http://www.politico.com/news/stories/1211/70694.html#ixzz1pBQ11D9Z/ response to Obama after he criticized Venezuela’s ties with Iran and Cuba] * I can't think of a time when I felt it was more important for us to defeat an incumbent president today with respect to Barack Obama. I think he has been an unmitigated disaster to the country. ** Former Vice President [[Dick Cheney]], [http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2012/04/15/cheney_obama_has_been_an_unmitigated_disaster_to_the_country.html to the Wyoming Republican Party state convention (15 April 2012)] * A gift for reading from a teleprompter is not the same as leadership. ** [[Elizabeth Cheney]], in a [http://gatewaypundit.firstthings.com/2010/05/liz-cheney-on-obamas-response-to-bp-oil-spill-a-gift-for-reading-the-teleprompter-is-not-the-same-as-leadership-video/ remark (30 May 2010)] *If the [[U.S. government]] had prosecuted [[W:George W. Bush|Bush administration]] officials for their [[war crimes]] during the “war on terror,” the [[ICC]] would not now take jurisdiction. But after [[Barack Obama]] said, “Generally speaking, I’m more interested in looking forward than I am in looking backwards,” his administration refused to prosecute those implicated in the [[torture]] and willful killings of detainees during the Bush administration. **[[Marjorie Cohn]] in [https://truthout.org/articles/team-trump-tried-to-bully-the-icc-into-dropping-war-crimes-probe-but-failed/ Team Trump Tried to Bully the ICC Into Dropping War Crimes Probe But Failed, by Marjorie Cohn, ''Truthout''] (10 March 2020) * I know when you look at Washington right now, you shake your head at a president who can’t figure out how to lead, at a Congress that only 11 percent of the people in the last poll I saw approve of the job they’re doing. That’s what happens when you have someone in the executive office who is more concerned about being right than he is concerned about getting things done ** [[w:Chris Christie|Chris Christie]], [http://www.nj.com/politics/index.ssf/2013/06/christie_obama_not_an_effective_leader.html#/0 Christie: Obama 'can't figure out how to lead' (28 June 2013)] * The nonsense about President Obama being a Muslim has got to stop. I rise to defend him from this absurd accusation by pointing out that he is obviously an atheist. ** [[Ann Coulter]], [http://www.humanevents.com/article.php?id=38812 "Obama Is Not A Muslim" (1 September 2010)] *At the moment there are 14 [[Masters of Wisdom|Masters]] in the world with Maitreya; eventually there will be around 40... Mr Obama is not one of them. Nor is any man you are likely to know or have heard of. Nor is he a 'channel' used by Maitreya for His mission. Mr Obama is unusual at this time in American politics: the first African American for a start; he seems to have ideals closer to the real needs of the people of America and the world in general; he seems to be ready to listen to the ideas of other nations and to be less involved in creating '[[w: American imperialism|the American Empire]]', in short, a breath of fresh air in international politics. **[[Benjamin Creme]], [https://www.share-international.org/magazine/old_issues/2009/2009-03.htm#Anchor-Questions-49575 Questions and answers, Share International,] (March 2009) *So when black Americans refer to Obama as "one of us," I do not know what they are talking about. In his new book, ''The Audacity of Hope'', Obama makes it clear that, while he has experienced some light versions of typical racial stereotypes, he cannot claim those problems as his own — nor has he lived the life of a black American. ** Stanley Crouch, in [http://web.archive.org/web/20070308142850/www.nydailynews.com/news/ideas_opinions/story/467300p-393261c.html "What Obama isn't: black like me" (2 November 2006)] *How does the rest of the world perceive America under Obama? We're the nation that stood by and didn't lift a finger when the Iranian public was protesting their government. We voiced no support and did not try to help in any significant way, and the protest was soon quelled. We're the nation that drew red lines in Syria and watched them being crossed without a whimper. We're the nation that only uttered a few lukewarm words as Putin invaded the Crimea and the Ukraine. We're the nation that traded five of the world's most dangerous terrorists for one American deserter. We're the nation that gave away the store to insure that Iran can finance its terrorist attacks and be assured of having a nuclear device in a few years. We're the nation that lets anybody who wants to walk across our southern border free rein to do so, and we are the nation that provides sanctuary cities to give them refuge. ** [[Charlie Daniels]], [http://www.cnsnews.com/commentary/charlie-daniels/charlie-daniels-open-letter-americas-enemies-you-see-obama-you-dont-know "Letter to America's enemies"] (15 February 2016), ''CNS News''. * "Like many people, I'm sure Obama is an [[atheist]]" ** [[Richard Dawkins]] (2013), in his interview with [[Bill Maher]] * I am excited. Of course, I'm endorsing Senator Obama. He has made that decision and I think this is an exciting time for the country. It brings a new voice in regards to what is taking place far too long in Washington D.C., the lack of moving the agenda forward in regard to the quality of life for the people of America. ** [[w:Richard M. Daley|Richard Daley]], mayor of Chicago, as quoted in [http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/politics/chi-070210daley-obama-story,0,4825836.story?coll=chi-news-hed "Daley endorses Obama for president" in ''The Chicago Tribune'' (10 February 2007)] * I'm going to tell you something: That boy's finger does not need to be on the button. ** {{w|Geoff Davis}}, commenting on Obama's readiness for the responsibility of controlling the US nuclear arsenal, as quoted in [http://www.politico.com/blogs/bensmith/0408/Secrecy_and_propriety_in_Kentucky.html Ben Smith: A running conversation about politics" at ''Politico'' (14 April 2008)] * Barack Obama has way way way overdone religion. He's trying to overcome the false notion that he has some sort of sympathy with Islam, and therefore he is more Christian than the Christians. ** {{w|Alan Dershowitz}}, interview to ''{{w|Shalom TV}}''{{'}}s Mark S. Golub.[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-FscSs-_IL0] * President Barack Obama loves to quote the lyrical closing lines of [[Abraham Lincoln]]'s First Inaugural Address, calling on “the better angels of our nature” to overcome partisan hatreds and political divisions. Obama cited those words in his own inaugural proclamation and rested his hand on Lincoln’s Bible when he took the oath of office. He has come back to those angels again and again ever since. … He used the phrase to eulogize [[Ted Kennedy]], to chide a would-be Quran burner in Florida, and to say goodbye to chief of staff [[Rahm Emanuel]]. Obama, it seems, sees better angels just about everywhere. Even as he traveled in India this week he talked about his efforts to live up to the example of [[Mahatma Gandhi]], [[Martin Luther King Jr.]], and, yes, Abraham Lincoln. <br> But in light of today's real-world politics, Obama should think a little harder about the context in which Lincoln summoned those better angels on March 4, 1861. Led by South Carolina (now home to Sen. [[w:Jim DeMint|Jim DeMint]], seven of 33 states had already seceded from the Union to form the Confederacy at that point. … If, in the end, Lincoln did manage to hold the Union together, it was not because of the better angels of human nature, but because he finally found the killer angels among his generals who could, and did, and at enormous cost, crush the secessionists. ** [[w:Christopher Dickey|Christopher Dickey]], in [http://www.newsweek.com/2010/11/10/better-angels-and-killer-angels.html "Better Angels and Killer Angels" in ''Newsweek'' (10 November 2010)] * Lincoln had an ally then of a kind that Obama could use now. Lincoln's old rival from Illinois, [[Stephen Douglas]], whose party had been split by the fire-eaters and whom Lincoln defeated at the polls, became a wise and vital friend. In the months between the inauguration and Douglas’s early death in June 1861, the “little giant,” as he was known, spent many long hours talking to Lincoln about how best to preserve the Union—and compromise wasn’t part of the picture. … “You do not know the dishonest purposes of those men as I do,” he told Lincoln. <br> What both of those great politicians understood by then was that there may be better angels in the nature of some people, but there are others who are willing to weaken, even destroy a nation to serve their own self-righteous self-interest, and they will do it in the name of the Constitution. If Obama hasn’t learned that yet, perhaps it’s time he did. ** {{w|Christopher Dickey}}, in "Better Angels and Killer Angels" in ''Newsweek'' (10 November 2010) * Our President is trapped in his father's time machine. Incredibly, the U.S. is being ruled according to the dreams of a [[w:Barack Obama, Sr.|Luo tribesman]] of the 1950s. This philandering, inebriated African socialist, who raged against the world for denying him the realization of his anticolonial ambitions, is now setting the nation's agenda through the reincarnation of his dreams in his son. The son makes it happen, but he candidly admits he is only living out his father's dream. The invisible father provides the inspiration, and the son dutifully gets the job done. America today is governed by a ghost. ** [[Dinesh D'Souza]], [http://www.forbes.com/forbes/2010/0927/politics-socialism-capitalism-private-enterprises-obama-business-problem.html "How Obama Thinks"], ''Forbes'' (9 September 2010). * How, for example, did Obama get elected as a complete unknown? [...] There is a one word answer: slavery. America's national guilt over slavery continues to benefit Obama, who ironically is not himself descended from slaves. ** [[Dinesh D'Souza]], ''America: Imagine a World without Her'' (2014), ch. 1. * Here's the formula for Obama's success: "They work, and you eat." ** [[Dinesh D'Souza]], ''America: Imagine a World without Her'' (2014), ch. 14. * If we think of the ''Titanic'' as symbolizing the American era, Obama wants that ship to go down. Obama is the architect of American decline, and progressivism is the ideology of American suicide. ** [[Dinesh D'Souza]], ''America: Imagine a World without Her'' (2014), ch. 16. * See, I never thought it was a good idea for attorneys to be president, anyway. I think attorneys are so busy — you know they're always taught to argue everything, always weigh everything, weigh both sides. They are always devil's advocating this and bifurcating this and bifurcating that. You know all that stuff. But, I think it is maybe time — what do you think — for maybe a businessman. How about that? A stellar businessman. Quote, unquote, "a stellar businessman". And I think it's that time. And I think if you just step aside and Mr. Romney can kind of take over. You can maybe still use a plane. ** [[Clint Eastwood]], speech at Republican National Convention, {{#formatdate:2012-08-30}}, quoted in {{citation | date = 2012-08-30 | title = Transcript of Clint Eastwood speech at RNC | periodical = {{w|Fox News}} | url = http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2012/08/30/transcript-clint-eastwood-speech-at-rnc/ }}, also viewable at {{citation | date = 2012-08-30 | author = gopconvention2012 | title = Clint Eastwood | periodical = YouTube | url = http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yoqKdWY692k }} * In stark contrast, President Obama has failed to advance policies that promote economic and job growth, focusing instead on increasing the size and scope of the federal government, which increases the debt, requires large tax increases, and burdens business with many new financial and health care regulations. The result is an anemic economic recovery and high unemployment. His future plans are to double down on the failed policies, which will only prolong slow growth and high unemployment. ** 400 {{w|Economists}}, quoted in {{citation | date = 2012-08-14 | url = http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/313915/economists-get-it-james-carter | title = The Economists Get It | author = James Carter | periodical = National Review }} * Obama has fired more cruise missiles than all other Peace Prize winners combined. ** Mark Edgington, [http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2011/jun/30/yard-sign/yard-sign-claims-barack-obama-has-fired-more-cruis/ Yard sign on Wednesday, June 15th, 2011 in a yard on Route 12 near Keene, N.H.]. * But it's clear that Obama also is running for an equally important unelected office, in the province of the popular imagination — the "[[w:Magical negro|Magic Negro]]." **David Ehrenstein. [http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/la-oe-ehrenstein19mar19,0,5335087.story?coll=la-opinion-rightrail "Obama the 'Magic Negro'" in ''The Los Angeles Times'' (19 March 2007)] * Barack Obama may have [[won]] in [[w:United States presidential election in North Carolina, 2008|2008 in North Carolina]] due to [[w:Electoral fraud|illegal voting]]. ** [[Boris Epshteyn]], on {{w|CNN}}’s ''{{w|The Lead with Jake Tapper}}''. [http://www.rawstory.com/2016/10/trump-advocate-stuns-jake-tapper-by-claiming-obama-won-north-carolina-in-2008-due-to-voter-fraud/] (18 October 2016) === F === * Obama came to Britain, and I think behaved disgracefully, telling us we would be at the back of the queue...Treating us, America's strongest, oldest ally, in this extraordinary way. ** [[Nigel Farage]], on [http://insider.foxnews.com/2016/06/27/brexit-leader-putin-behaved-more-statesmanlike-manner-obama-did ''Fox News''] (27 June 2016) * There’s no better closer for the enthusiasm gap than people like President [[Obama]] and [[First Lady]] [[Jill Biden]].”  ** Democratic strategist '''Jesse Ferguson''' according to "[https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/576392-planned-obama-appearance-points-to-democratic-concerns-about-virginia Planned Obama appearance points to Democratic concerns about Virginia]" (October 12, 2021) * Welcome to Obama’s America: nearly half the population is not represented on a taxable return—almost exactly the same proportion that lives in a household where at least one member receives some type of government benefit. We are becoming the 50–50 nation—half of us paying the taxes, the other half receiving the benefits. The voters now face a stark choice. They can let Barack Obama’s rambling, solipsistic narrative continue until they find themselves living in some American version of Europe, with low growth, high unemployment, even higher debt—and real geopolitical decline. Or they can opt for real change: the kind of change that will end four years of economic underperformance, stop the terrifying accumulation of debt, and reestablish a secure fiscal foundation for American national security. ** [[w:Niall Ferguson|Niall Ferguson]] in [http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2012/08/19/niall-ferguson-on-why-barack-obama-needs-to-go.html "Niall Ferguson: Obama’s Gotta Go" in ''Newsweek'' (19 August 2012)] * The black people’s struggle has vanquished racism. It was God who created colour. Today Obama, a son of Kenya, a son of Africa, has made it in the United States of America. **[[Muammar Gaddafi]], in closing remarks at the African Union summit (4 February 2009), as quoted in [http://www.rfi.fr/actuen/articles/110/article_2801.asp "Kadhafi closes AU summit, division over plans for 'United States of Africa'" by Zeenat Hansrod, ''RFI English'' (4 February 2009)] * On the ground of the fight against international terrorism, we'll see Obama being put to the test, because this is the real one. America is the reference democracy for those who want to affirm the value of freedom, put at risk by fundamentalism and Islamic terrorism. There are many doubts pending on Obama; with Obama at the White House, perhaps Al Qaeda is happier. *Original Italian: ''Sul piano della lotta al terrorismo internazionale, dovremo vedere Obama alla prova, perché questo è il vero banco di prova. L'America è la democrazia di riferimento per quanti vogliano affermare i valori della libertà, minacciati dal fondamentalismo, dal terrorismo islamico. Su Obama gravano molti interrogativi; con Obama alla Casa Bianca [[Al Qaeda]] forse è più contenta.'' ** [[w:Maurizio Gasparri|Maurizio Gasparri]], [http://video.corriere.it/?vxSiteId=404a0ad6-6216-4e10-abfe-f4f6959487fd&vxChannel=Dall%20Italia&vxClipId=2524_4a028eb4-ab27-11dd-8f4b-00144f02aabc&vxBitrate=300 commenting the victory of Obama (5 November 2008)] * You want to be a country that creates food stamps? In which case, frankly, Obama is an enormous success—the most successful food stamp president in American history. Or do you want to be a country that creates jobs? I would like to be the most successful paycheck president in American history. ** [[Newt Gingrich]], as quoted in [http://www.bet.com/news/politics/2011/05/16/newt-gingrich-calls-president-obama-a-food-stamps-president-.html Newt Gingrich Calls President Obama a “Food Stamps President” in ''Bet'' (16 May 2011)] * I think the problem Barack Obama would have is, first of all, he's never run a city, never run a state, never run a business. I don't think, at a time when America's at war, with the major problems that we face, we're going to want someone to get on-the-job experience as the chief executive, never having had that kind of experience. [...] He really doesn't have the experience either from the national security point of view or even from just the executive point of view. ** [[Rudy Giuliani]], as quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/05/us/politics/05text-rdebate.html?_r=1&adxnnl=1&ref=politics&pagewanted=22&adxnnlx=1199736286-DCcgFYD1WBdRL9mY/5FlBw&oref=slogin ''The New York Times'' (5 January 2008)] * In the weeks after the U.N. vote, Obama said privately and repeatedly, "Israel doesn’t know what its own best interests are." With each new settlement announcement, in Obama’s view, [[Benjamin Netanyahu|Netanyahu]] is moving his country down a path toward near-total isolation. <br> And if Israel, a small state in an inhospitable region, becomes more of a pariah — one that alienates even the affections of the U.S., its last steadfast friend — it won’t survive. Iran poses a short-term threat to Israel’s survival; Israel’s own behavior poses a long-term one. <br> The dysfunctional relationship between Netanyahu and Obama is poised to enter a new phase. Next week, Israeli voters will probably return Netanyahu to power, this time at the head of a coalition even more intractably right-wing than the one he currently leads. ** {{w|Jeffrey Goldberg}}, in [http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2013-01-14/what-obama-thinks-israelis-don-t-understand-.html "Obama: ‘Israel Doesn’t Know What Its Best Interests Are’" in ''Bloomberg View'' (14 January 2013)] * I don't know where his vendetta comes from but we're not going to let him make his bones by lambasting Las Vegas, that's why [the press] is here today . He didn't learn his lesson the first time, but when he hurt our economy by his ill conceived rhetoric, we didn't think it would happen again, but now that it has I want to assure you, when he comes I'll do everything I can to give him the boot back to Washington and to visit his failures back there. I gotta tell you this, everybody says I shouldn't say it, but I gotta tell you the way it is. This president is a real slow learner. ** {{w|Oscar Goodman}}, Mayor of [[Las Vegas]], in response to Obama's {{#formatdate:2010-02-03}} comment in Nashua, NH, "You don't blow a bunch of cash on Vegas when you're trying to save for college."[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_BFZ8qyUDo][http://www.ktnv.com/Global/story.asp?S=11922695] *America understands that there is one party in this country that is favor of health care reform and one party that is against it, and they know why. They understand that if Barack Obama were somehow able to cure hunger in the world the Republicans would blame him for overpopulation. They understand that if Barack Obama could somehow bring about world peace they would blame him for destroying the defense industry. In fact, they understand that if Barack Obama has a BLT sandwich tomorrow for lunch, they will try to ban bacon. But that's not what America wants, America wants solutions to its problems and that begins with health care, and that's what I'm speaking for tonight. **[[Alan Grayson]], [http://listenonrepeat.com/watch/?v=Ery7RZ4tZ2Y regarding U.S. health care reform] (2009). * Barack Obama loves to get attached from the Left on being too moderate on the War on Terrorism. And there have been other things, too, where he's tried to make signals to the middle, saying, “I'm a free trader,” and saying he might cut corporate taxes, saying he might delay some of those tax increases on the wealthy. All of that is aimed on telling swing voters: You cannot put Obama in a far left box or paint him as a rigid ideologue. That shows the difficulty John McCain is going to have making that argument that Steve Schmidt offered — making it stick. ** John Harwood of ''The New York Times'', on the McCain attempt to paint Obama as the most liberal member of the Senate; June 26, 2008; [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25411242/] * With health reform and the so-called “public option” reportedly on life support (although some activists strongly disagree with that prognosis), and the increasingly unpopular Afghanistan war on the verge of yet another escalation, many progressives and Democrats are frustrated, angry, or simply scratching their heads in disbelief. The Obama they thought they elected is not meeting their expectations. ** Don Hazen, [http://www.alternet.org/story/142402/progressives_to_gather_at_tides_momentum_conference_with_frustration_with_obama_on_their_minds/ Progressives to Gather at Tides Momentum Conference with Frustration with Obama on Their Minds (4 September 2009)] * The antiwar movement aspired to create a transgressive politics that challenged the institutions that generate war and imperialism. Yet, because it depended so heavily on the party in the street to mobilize support, it found itself caught up in the institutional, party-driven system that many activists saw as the cause of the problems that it mobilized to solve. In 2001, the antiwar movement began with an eye toward becoming an independent political force, yet it lived in the shadow of the Democratic Party. The Democrats and the antiwar movement struck a useful alliance from 2003 to 2006. The antiwar movement helped to demonstrate grassroots support for a key party issue and the party helped to provide activists, resources, and legitimacy for the movement. By early 2009, however, it was abundantly clear that Democrats were no longer interested in this alliance. Abandonment by the Democrats gave the movement the independence it desired, but also stripped it of its capacity for political influence. '''While Obama's election was heralded as a victory for the antiwar movement, Obama’s election, in fact, thwarted the ability of the movement to achieve critical mass'''. **[[w:Michael T. Heaney|Michael Heaney]] and [[w:Fabio Rojas|Fabio Rojas]], [http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mheaney/Partisan_Dynamics_of_Contention.pdf The Partisan Dynamics of Contention: Demobilization of the Anti-War Movement in the United States: 2007-2009"] (2011), by M.T. Heaney and F. Rojas, p. 60. * The irony is that Barack Obama would not even be president if it were not for the courage of persecuted dissidents such as [[Martin Luther King]] or [[Malcolm X]], spied upon by their own government. But Obama understands where power lies. It does not lie with the citizen. It lies with Wall Street and our corporate boardrooms, which have carried out a slow motion coup d’état. And a system of mass surveillance is designed to keep these elites in these boardrooms powerful and the rest of us powerless. ** [[Chris Hedges]], “[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOlg_2qAbUA Our Only Hope Will Come Through Rebellion],” 29th March 2014, 21:20 *Surveying the fall in support for the governments of Barack Obama, New York City's progressive Mayor Bill de Blasio, and France's Socialist President François Hollande, a diagnosis of the current crisis begins to emerge. The political left can win elections but it's unable to govern. Once in office, the left stumbles from fiasco to fiasco. ObamaCare, enacted without a single vote from the opposition party, is an impossible labyrinth of endless complexity. **[[w:Daniel Henninger|Daniel Henninger]], as quoted in [http://friesian.com/rand.htm#modern "Why Can't the Left Govern?"] (27 March 2014), by D. Henninger, ''The Wall Street Journal'', p. A15. *It's easy to dispense with the first claim Obama made, that ''{{'}}this type of mass violence does not happen in other advanced countries{{'}}''... Obama is wrong to say that ''{{'}}this type of mass violence does not happen in other advanced countries{{'}}''. Clearly '''it does happen elsewhere, and not in trivial numbers'''. Seven of the countries saw double-digit numbers of people killed in mass shootings during that period. **Keely Herring and Louis Jacobson, [http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2015/jun/22/barack-obama/barack-obama-correct-mass-killings-dont-happen-oth/ "Is Barack Obama correct that mass killings don't happen in other countries?"] (22 June 2015), ''Politifact''. * I wanted to write a book that would persuade people NOT to vote for President Obama and I knew it had to be fact-based. I made a very long list of all the promises President Obama made, all of the PREDICTIONS he put forward, and all of the polemics he used. Each chapter of the 25 chapters begins with a quotation or series of quotations from President Obama not earlier than 2007. I'm not interested in what he did as a young man. I'm not interested in his biography. I'm interested in what he promised to do as a candidate or as a President - what he predicted would happen as a result of his actions or the language he used as a candidate or President. And, when I think you stack it up HE DID NOT DELIVER. In fact, he is a SERIAL FAILURE when it comes to delivering on his promises. Therefore, I don't believe he is OWED your vote or anyone's vote based upon what he said he would do and DID NOT DO - based on what he predicted would happen and did not happen - based upon what was, in fact, the most hyper partisan set of rhetorical devices that we have seen in the modern presidency. ** [[w:Hugh Hewitt|Hugh Hewitt]], as quoted in [http://mittromneycentral.com/2012/08/09/hugh-hewitt-obama-serial-failure-romney-extremely-well-qualified/ Hugh Hewitt – Obama: “Serial Failure”, Romney: “Extremely Well-Qualified”] * Maybe [Pres. Obama] would take [[ISIS]] seriously if he discovered they didn't recycle. ** [[Mike Huckabee]] — [http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2015/12/01/huckabee-america-needs-commander-in-chief-not-weather-obsessed-meteorologist.html Huckabee: "America needs a commander in chief, not a weather-obsessed meteorologist"], ''FoxNews.com'' (1 December 2015) * Unjustified war and unconstitutional abridgment of individual rights, versus ill-conceived tax and economic policies — this is the difference between venial and mortal sins. John McCain would continue the Bush administration's commitment to interventionism and constitutional over-reach. Obama promises a humbler engagement with our allies, while promising retaliation against any enemy who dares attack us. … Based on his embrace of centrist advisers and policies, it seems likely that Obama will turn out to be in the mold of John Kennedy, who was fond of noting that "a rising tide lifts all boats." … Even if my hopes on domestic policy are dashed and Obama reveals himself as an unreconstructed, dyed-in-the-wool, big government liberal, I'm still voting for him. ** Larry Hunter; Former Reagan policy advisor, as quoted in [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25783198/ New York Daily News; (16 July 2008)] * Indeed, Barack Obama has exceptional qualities and deserves kudos for his achievement. He is genteel, articulate, poised and charming. He is a Harvard-educated lawyer, yet he remains accessible to the common man. He has been married since 1992, has two lovely daughters and is by all accounts a devoted family man. He is a pious Christian and a member of the United Church of Christ. He has virtually sky-rocketed into the national spotlight-winning a landslide victory in his Senate race in 2004; he became the fifth African American Senator in U.S. history and the only current African American Senator. His fame has been enhanced by the publication of two-bestsellers, Dreams from My Father (1995) and The Audacity of Hope (2006). He now trails only behind Hillary in his bid to secure the nomination of his party. And he has done all of this even before he celebrates his forty-sixth birthday later this summer. **''[[w:Insight (magazine)|Insight]]'' magazine editorial: [http://archive.is/20130630204108/http://www.insightmag.com/Media/MediaManager/washwatch_4.htm "Washington Watch: Obama's fund-raising record reveals weakness of Hillary's campaign" (2 July 2007)] * I think Barack knew that he had God-given talents that were extraordinary. He knows exactly how smart he is. [...] He knows how perceptive he is. He knows what a good reader of people he is. And he knows that he has the ability — the extraordinary, uncanny ability — to take a thousand different perspectives, digest them and make sense out of them, and I think that he has never really been challenged intellectually. [...] So, what I sensed in him was not just a restless spirit but somebody with such extraordinary talents that had to be really taxed in order for him to be happy. [...] He’s been bored to death his whole life. He’s just too talented to do what ordinary people do. He would never be satisfied with what ordinary people do. ** [[Valerie Jarrett]], in an interview with [[w:David Remnick|David Remnick]], published in "The Bridge: The Life and Rise of Barack Obama" (2010), p. 274. Quoted in ''[[w:Politico|Politico]]'', November 5, 2010.[http://dyn.politico.com/printstory.cfm?uuid=19EA345F-ED22-2522-4B3A3477D2192616] * I don't know how you can take a vote out of context. It's a vote. **Late-term abortion survivor [[w:Gianna Jessen|Gianna Jessen]], responding to an Obama campaign ad saying his votes against the Born Alive Infant Act were presented out of context by the McCain campaign. ({{#formatdate:2008-09-22}})<small><sup>[http://www.cnsnews.com/public/content/article.aspx?RsrcID=36135]</sup></small> *Obama apparently lacks Hillary’s assurance. His lavish use of murderous drones reflects the military recognition of the limits of U.S. ground forces. He has been under constant pressure from [[Military-industrial complex|the War Party]]. Sometimes he has resisted their pressure, as in the case of chemical weapons in [[Syria]], after [[John Kerry|Kerry]] had replaced Clinton as Secretary of State. **[[W:Diana Johnstone|Diana Johnstone]] - quoted in [https://www.counterpunch.org/2016/03/10/hillary-clinton-the-queen-of-chaos-and-the-threat-of-world-war-iii/ Hillary Clinton: the Queen of Chaos and the Threat of World War III by Maidhc O' Cathail] (March 10, 2016) *Sure, we as a nation have always killed people. A lot of people. But no president has ever waged war by killing enemies one by one, targeting them individually for execution, wherever they are. The Obama administration has taken pains to tell us, over and over again, that they are careful, scrupulous of our laws, and determined to avoid the loss of collateral, innocent lives. They're careful because when it comes to waging war on individuals, the distinction between war and murder becomes a fine one. Especially when, on occasion, the individuals we target are Americans and when, in one instance, the collateral damage was an American boy. **Tom Junod, [https://archive.is/xd5Uw#selection-1989.0-1989.37 "The Lethal Presidency of Barack Obama"] (August 2012), ''Esquire''. === K === * You are among the two or three most talented people I have ever met in politics. ** {{w|Bob Kerrey}}, [http://www.politico.com/blogs/bensmith/1207/Kerrey_apologizes.html letter to Obama ({{#formatdate:2007-12-20}})] * We can't have the [[president of the United States]] acting like the [[drug]] dealer in chief, giving clean packs of money to a ... [[w:Iran and state-sponsored terrorism|state sponsor of terror]]. Those 500-euro notes will pop up across the [[Middle East]]. .... We're going to see problems in multiple (countries) because of that money given to them. ** [[Mark Kirk]], responding to reports that the [[w:Presidency of Barack Obama|Obama administration]] paid $400 million in cash of an agreed settlement to a 35-year case in international court to [[Iran]]. [http://edition.cnn.com/2016/08/21/politics/mark-kirk-obama-drug-dealer-iran/] (August 21, 2016) * He reminds me of a chess grandmaster who has played his opening in six simultaneous games. But he hasn’t completed a single game and I’d like to see him finish one. ** [[Henry Kissinger]], November 2009. Quoted in ''The New York Times''.[http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/24/opinion/24iht-edcohen.html?_r=1&adxnnl=1&adxnnlx=1259074848-mzi9hjHGk9jwSrEqC2zLJQ] * [Obama] once got in trouble for making faces during Koran study classes in his elementary school, but a president is less likely to stereotype Muslims as fanatics — and more likely to be aware of their nationalism — if he once studied the Koran with them. ** [[Nicholas D. Kristof]], "[http://select.nytimes.com/2007/03/06/opinion/06kristof.html Obama: Man of the World]", ''[[w:The New York Times|The New York Times]]'', {{#formatdate:2007-03-06}} *The Obama years have been weighed in the balance and found wanting. Severely wanting. By the end of Obama's presidency, the U.S. standing in the world was weaker—clearly and appreciably weaker—than when he became president. The force of American power was diminished, and freedom was in retreat. By the end of Obama's presidency, was there a single part of the world where the United States was in a stronger position than when he took office? Was there an ally who was more confident or an adversary who was less so? By the end of Obama's presidency, were any important countries either friendlier or freer than they had been when he took over? The answer to all these questions: no. **[[Bill Kristol]], [http://www.weeklystandard.com/obamas-legacy/article/2007731 "Obama's Legacy"] (21 April 2017), ''The Weekly Standard'' *As the son of the Muslim father, Senator Obama was born a Muslim under Muslim law as it is universally understood. It makes no difference that, as Senator Obama has written, his father said he renounced his religion. Likewise, under Muslim law based on the Koran his mother’s Christian background is irrelevant. **Edward N. Luttwak, [http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/12/opinion/12luttwak.html?_r=0 "President Apostate?"] (12 May 2008), ''The New York Times'', New York. *[[Barack Obama|Obama]]... failed to stand up to the pressure from the intelligence agencies, and he used the draconian 1917 Espionage Act and other laws against whistleblowers and journalists. In fact, Obama was responsible for more prosecutions and action against journalists and whistleblowers than all the other presidents in the U.S. combined. **[[Ewen MacAskill]] in [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/10/25/belmarsh_tribunal Free Julian Assange: Snowden, Varoufakis, Corbyn & Tariq Ali Speak Out Ahead of Extradition Hearing, ''Democracy Now!'',] October 25, 2021 * But there are some moments I don't think you can ever predict, the kind where you can't really believe it's happening the whole time it's happening. That would definitely be the way to describe the one-in-a-lifetime opportunity I had on Sunday, March 31, 2013. It was the annual Easter Egg roll at the White House, and I had been invited to perform. I wasn't sure if we'd get to meet the First Family, and I figured even if we didn't, it would still be a day I'd remember forever. And then we were actually asked to go back and meet them. Just imagine how many people want to hang with the president of the United States of America. The line was moving so slowly that it was looking like I wasn't going to get to meet the president after all because I needed to go get ready to perform. I was pretty disappointed. And then I was brought to the front of the line so I could run off afterward and sing for everyone. I could hardly believe it. I got a picture with the president, his family, and my mom. He and his entire family were all so nice. ** [[Austin Mahone]], ''Just How It Happened'' (2014), p. 127-128 * If you want to ignite race riots, a sure-fire way to do it is to stir up black hatred and suspicion of cops, which will in turn make cops warier of blacks and more trigger-happy, and so on, until an explosion occurs. So thanks, President Obama. You have set back American race relations by 50 years. ** [[w:Myron Magnet|Myron Magnet]], [http://www.city-journal.org/html/americas-worst-president-14640.html "America's Worst President?"], ''[[w:City Journal (New York City)|City Journal]]'' (10 July 2016)<!--, quoted in [http://www.wsj.com/articles/obama-and-race-relations-1468259312 ''The Wall Street Journal''], [http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/politics/2016/07/racism_discontent_is_rising_but_that_s_not_obama_s_fault.html ''Slate''] and [http://thehill.com/homenews/administration/287316-obamas-toughest-challenge-healing-racial-divide ''The Hill'']-->. * Senator Obama made time to go to the gym but canceled a visit with wounded troops. It seems the Pentagon wouldn't allow him to bring cameras. ** McCain campaign ad (July 2008).{{fix cite}} *Even though we would have preferred to win, all of us in the room understood that the country would be in the hands of an honorable man. **Cindy McCain, ''Stronger'' * [Obama was] really everything the American public would expect from their national leadership. The President was at all times presidential. I would contend he was the smartest guy in the room. He had leadership skills we'd expect from a guy who had 35 years in the military. ** [[w:William H. McRaven|William H. McRaven]], commander of [[w:U.S. Special Operations Command|U.S. Special Operations Command]], describing Obama's work in the May 2 2011 [[w:Osama bin Laden|Osama bin Laden]] operation. Quoted in ''Time'' magazine, December 26, 2011. ''The Admiral'' by Barton Gellman [http://www.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,2101745_2102133_2102330-4,00.html] * I tell you the first and last time. Together with a nuclear suitcase the president has a folder, which is top secret and devoted entirely to the report by the Russian secret service which handles the control of extraterrestrials in our country. After the term, the two folders and a small nuclear suitcase are transferred to the new president. How many of them are among us I cannot say because panic might begin. ** [[Dmitry Medvedev]], [http://www.collective-evolution.com/2013/09/13/russian-prime-minister-confirms-the-existence-of-intelligent-extraterrestrial-life/ collective-evolution.com] * I am very proud as an American to have a black president. I was born and raised in America. I am a part of a minority. To see a minority representative being the president of the United States of America is extremely inspiring. It's just miraculous. **[[w:Hyung Jin Moon|Hyung Jin Moon]], as quoted in [http://www.monitor.co.ug/artman/publish/asia/Unification_Church_pres_sees_smaller_mass_weddings_77510.shtml "Unification Church pres sees smaller mass weddings" in ''The Daily Monitor'' (30 December 2008)] * [Obama is] rare kind of attuned being who has the ability to lead us not merely to new foreign policies or health care plans or whatnot, but who can actually help usher in a new way of being on the planet, of relating and connecting and engaging with this bizarre earthly experiment. These kinds of people actually help us evolve. They are philosophers and peacemakers of a very high order, and they speak not just to reason or emotion, but to the soul. ** [[w:Mark Morford|Mark Morford]], ''[[w:San Francisco Chronicle|San Francisco Chronicle]]'', June 6, 2008.[http://articles.sfgate.com/2008-06-06/entertainment/17120245_1_obama-s-presence-new-age-black-president/2] *President Obama, himself a one-time advocate of single payer coverage, buckled to the insurance companies and its lobbyists and minions in Congress and agreed to health care legislation (the Affordable Care Act) that would continue to treat healing the sick as a profit center instead of a basic human right. **[[Bill Moyers]] & [[Michael Winship]], [https://www.commondreams.org/views/2016/01/16/tell-truth-about-bernies-health-care-stand Tell the Truth about Bernie’s Health Care Stand, ''Common Dreams''], (16 January 2016) * There's only one thing different about Barack Obama when it comes to being a Democratic presidential candidate. He's half African-American. ** [[Ralph Nader]], Colorado's Rocky Mountain News, June 26, 2008 [http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/07/09/jesse.jackson.comment/] * Only very rarely has a person to the same extent as Obama captured the world's attention and given its people hope for a better future. His diplomacy is founded in the concept that those who are to lead the world must do so on the basis of values and attitudes that are shared by the majority of the world's population. <br> For 108 years, the Norwegian Nobel Committee has sought to stimulate precisely that international policy and those attitudes for which Obama is now the world's leading spokesman. The Committee endorses Obama's appeal that "Now is the time for all of us to take our share of responsibility for a global response to global challenges." ** The [[w:Norwegian Nobel Committee|Norwegian Nobel Committee]], in a [http://nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/2009/press.html press release] on awarding Obama the [[w:Nobel Peace Prize|Nobel Peace Prize]] (9 October 2009) * [[John Kerry]] with a tan. ** Conservative activist [[w:Grover Norquist|Grover Norquist]], as quoted in [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25456931/ ''Countdown with Keith Olbermann'' (MSNBC, 26 June 2008)]; [http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2008/06/barack-obama-jo.html] * Barack is one of the smartest people you will ever encounter who will deign to enter this messy thing called politics. ** [[Michelle Obama]], as quoted in [http://www.realclearpolitics.com/articles/2010/09/30/democrats_cling_to_arrogance.html "Clinging to Arrogance" by Victor Davis Hanson at ''Real Clear Politics'' (30 September 2010)] * Mr. Obama is proving the truism that the executive branch will use any power it is given and very likely abuse it. ** ''The New York Times'' editorial [http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/07/opinion/president-obamas-dragnet.html?pagewanted=all President Obama’s Dragnet], June 6, 2013 regarding the electronic surveillance program [[w:PRISM (surveillance program)|PRISM]] run by the US National Security Agency. * That is why when I heard Obama’s two speeches I was struck by how much he spoke in accord with the spirit of Vatican II. In those two addresses, as well as in his other speeches, he called for civility, for the end of name-calling, and for a willingness to work together to deal with our common problems, including abortion, rather than a stand-off determination to impose one’s principles without reckoning what the cost to the common good might be. ** John W. O'Malley, ''America: the national Catholic weekly'', May 25, 2009 [http://www.americamagazine.org/content/article.cfm?article_id=11688] *Days after jihadi gunmen slaughtered 11 staffers of the Charlie Hebdo magazine and a policeman on January 7, hundreds of thousands of French people marched in solidarity against Islamic radicalism. Forty-four world leaders joined them, but not President Barack Obama. Neither did his attorney general at the time, Eric Holder, or Homeland Security Deputy Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas, both of whom were in Paris that day. **Michael Oren, [http://foreignpolicy.com/2015/06/19/barack-obama-muslim-world-outreach-consequences-israel-ambassador-michael-oren/?wp_login_redirect=0 "How Obama Opened His Heart to the 'Muslim World': And got it stomped on. Israel's former ambassador to the United States on the president's naiveté as peacemaker, blinders to terrorism, and alienation of allies."] (19 June 2015), by M. Oren, ''Foreign Policy''. *Back in 2007, President Bush succeeded in convening Israeli and Arab leaders, together with the representatives of some 40 states, at the Annapolis peace conference. In May 2015, Obama had difficulty convincing several Arab leaders to attend a Camp David summit on the Iranian issue. The president who pledged to bring Arabs and Israelis together ultimately did so not through peace, but out of their common anxiety over his support for the Muslim Brotherhood in Egypt and his determination to reach a nuclear accord with [[Iran]]. Only Iran, in fact, still holds out the promise of sustaining Obama's initial hopes for a fresh start with Muslims. **Michael Oren, [http://foreignpolicy.com/2015/06/19/barack-obama-muslim-world-outreach-consequences-israel-ambassador-michael-oren/?wp_login_redirect=0 "How Obama Opened His Heart to the 'Muslim World': And got it stomped on. Israel's former ambassador to the United States on the president's naiveté as peacemaker, blinders to terrorism, and alienation of allies."] (19 June 2015), by M. Oren, ''Foreign Policy''. *Now we are doing imperialism with a black face. **[[w:Chioma Oruh|Chioma Oruh]], interview (12 December 2009), as quoted in [http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mheaney/Partisan_Dynamics_of_Contention.pdf The Partisan Dynamics of Contention: Demobilization of the Anti-War Movement in the United States: 2007-2009"] (2011), by Michael T. Heaney and Fabio Rojas, pp. 59-60. * Barack Obama has silenced the antiwar movement almost single-handedly by his actions, on the one hand, saying that he opposed war and promoting to pull all troops from Iraq and, on the other hand, throwing the antiwar movement under the bus by sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Keep in mind that the war budget is larger under Obama than it was under Bush. Obama has the same Defense Department Secretary as under Bush. Where is the change? **[[w:Chioma Oruh|Chioma Oruh]], interview (12 December 2009), as quoted in [http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mheaney/Partisan_Dynamics_of_Contention.pdf The Partisan Dynamics of Contention: Demobilization of the Anti-War Movement in the United States: 2007-2009"] (2011), by Michael T. Heaney and Fabio Rojas, pp. 59-60. === P === *Barack Obama is hell-bent on engaging the Iranian regime just to prove that he’s not [[George W. Bush|George Bush]]. That doesn’t help the problem. That’s not what people expected in Iran... The people of Iran are asking for help, and Obama cares about showing Khamenei that he can reason with him. That was [[Jimmy Carter]]’s mentality in 1979 and that’s still the mentality in 2012. ** [[Reza Pahlavi]], as quoted in [http://www.jpost.com/LandedPages/PrintArticle.aspx?id=272989 "Obama ‘chickened out’ of confronting mullahs" by Cnaan Liphshiz, in ''The Jerusalem Post'' (6 July 2012)] * This is a man who can give an entire speech about the wars America is fighting and never use the word "victory" except when he's talking about his own campaign. But when the cloud of rhetoric has passed, when the roar of the crowd fades away, when the stadium lights go out and those Styrofoam Greek columns are hauled back to some studio lot — what exactly is our opponent's plan? What does he actually seek to accomplish, after he's done turning back the waters and healing the planet? The answer is to make government bigger. ** [[w:Sarah Palin|Sarah Palin]], in her [http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=94258995 acceptance speech for the Vice Presidential nomination at the Republican National Convention, (3 September 2008)] * By contrast, Obama’s appeal for a new paradigm that relies on the enthusiasm of young voters and the patriotism of rank-and-file Americans to leap past the stale politics of the Clinton and Bush years makes some sense. Given Obama’s relatively thin résumé, his candidacy may require a leap of faith. But it is at least a leap toward something new and untested, rather than something old and failed. **[[w:Robert Parry|Robert Parry]], in [http://www.consortiumnews.com/2008/010808.html ''Consortium News'' (7 January 2008)] * Barack spoke out against the war [in Iraq] before it started, and he respects civil liberties, and I respect him for that. [...] But Barack Obama is not going to talk about the goal of getting rid of the income tax and dealing with monetary policy. I mean, he's too much into the welfare state issue, not quite understanding how free market economics is the truly compassionate system. If we care about the poor and want to help the poor, you have to have free markets. You can't have a welfare state in order to try to take care of people. **[[Ron Paul]], as quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/05/us/politics/05text-rdebate.html?_r=1&adxnnl=1&ref=politics&pagewanted=23&adxnnlx=1199682199-v6N5pykr4Xzhe5xRHuoFMQ&oref=slogin ''The New York Times'' (5 January 2008)] * He has been … open, practically apolitical, certainly nonpartisan, in terms of welcoming every idea and solution. I think that’s one of the reasons the Republicans want to take him down politically, because they know he is a nonpartisan president, and that’s something very hard for them to cope with. ** [[Nancy Pelosi]], interview to ''[[w:Politico|Politico]]'' (20 September 2013) · [http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2013/09/20/nancy_pelosi_obama_practically_apolitical_certainly_nonpartisan.html · video] * '''Despite what Obama says, racism is not passed along in DNA through the generations. If that were the case, America wouldn't be the tolerant, multi-racial country it is today.''' Yes, America, like the vast majority of the rest of the world, at one time participated in slavery. While the sin of slavery is not justified, it is important to acknowledge that the sin of slavery isn't a uniquely American sin, but rather one of mankind throughout the course of history. Further, owning slaves is not a sin unique to white people; in fact, black Africans sold other blacks into slavery, and still do today. Slavery is uniquely human, but societies and countries that respect human dignity, like America, have stopped the horrifying practice. America had the dignity to end slavery through a civil war and has since moved forward to correct wrongs with the civil rights movement, affirmative action, legislation, popular culture and much more. Institutional racism is no longer prevalent in the ways the left claims. Obama, elected twice by American voters, is black, as is former Attorney General Eric Holder and current Attorney General Loretta Lynch. There are a number of blacks serving in the U.S. Congress, including Republican Senator Tim Scott and Congresswoman Mia Love, Utah. The likes of Oprah Winfrey and Beyoncé are business and pop culture icons. Look around the world and you'll find that America is the most tolerant and open society on earth. **[[w:Katie Pavlich|Catherine M. Pavlich]], as quoted in [http://thehill.com/opinion/katie-pavlich/246440-katie-pavlich-america-is-not-racist "Katie Pavlich: America Is Not Racist"] (29 June 2015), by C.M. Pavlich, ''The Hill'', News Communications, Inc. *Obama merely perpetuated the myth and lie that our nation endorsed or approved of slavery and Jim Crow. He should have made clear that it wasn't. It was primarly the white supporters of the Democratic Party. The party that became known as the 'Party of White Supremacy'. **[[w:Wayne Perryman|Wayne Perryman]], as quoted in [http://www.amazon.com/Whites-Blacks-Racist-Democrats-Democratic-ebook/dp/B00AZNOJ5Y/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1438984361&sr=8-1&keywords=wayne+perryman+democrats ''Whites, Blacks, and Racist Democrats''] (2009), by W. Perryman. * I am strongly encouraged by Senator Obama's speech [http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/politics/july-dec08/obamaenergy_08-04.html] on America's energy future. Foreign oil is killing our economy and putting our nation at risk. … This issue is clearly moving up in the priority of political debate; Senator Obama's statement is an indication... ** [[w:T. Boone Pickens|T. Boone Pickens]], [http://media.pickensplan.com/presskit/080408_obama_response.pdf on Obama's energy policy (4 August 2008)] *I wasn’t “harsh” towards Obama. It was Obama who was harsh towards much of humanity, contrary to his often absurd media image. Obama was one of the most violent U.S. Presidents. He launched or sustained seven wars and left office with none resolved: a record. In his last year as President, 2016, according to the Council on Foreign Relations, he dropped 26,171 bombs. It’s an interesting statistic; it’s three bombs every hour, 24 hours a day, on mostly civilians. The bombing technique Obama made his own was assassination by drone. Every Tuesday, reported The New York Times, he selected the names of those who would die in a “programme” of extrajudicial murder. All males of military age in Yemen and the frontiers of Pakistan were considered fair game. He increased America’s special forces operations around the world, notably in Africa. Along with France and Britain, he and his Secretary of State Hillary Clinton destroyed Libya as a modern state on the false and familiar pretext that its leader was about to conduct a massacre of “innocents”. This led directly to the growth of the medievalists of ISIS [or Islamic State] and a stampede of immigration from Africa to Europe. He overthrew the democratically elected President of Ukraine and installed an openly fascist-backed regime—as a deliberate provocation to Russia. **[[John Pilger]] in [https://frontline.thehindu.com/cover-story/article25661115.ece ''New Cold War & looming threats, Frontline, India''] (21 December 2018) *So accomplished was the advertising (a record $75m was spent on television commercials alone) that many Americans actually believed Obama shared their opposition to Bush’s wars. In fact, he had repeatedly backed Bush’s warmongering and its congressional funding. Many Americans also believed he was the heir to Martin Luther King’s legacy of anti-colonialism. Yet if Obama had a theme at all, apart from the vacuous 'Change you can believe in,' it was the renewal of America as a dominant, avaricious bully. 'We will be the most powerful,' he often declared. **[[John Pilger]] [http://www.newstatesman.com/north-america/2009/05/barack-obama-pilger-bush "The Madmen Did Well"], ''New Statesman'', (30 April 2009) * People don't come to Obama for what he's done in the Senate. They come because of what they hope he could be. **[[w:Bruce Reed|Bruce Reed]]; President, Democratic Leadership Council as quoted in [http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/story/13390609/campaign_08_the_radical_roots_of_barack_obama/2 "Destiny's Child" by Ben Wallace-Wells in ''Rolling Stone'' (22 February 2007)] * What's frustrating to me sometimes about Obama is that the world seems to disappoint him. [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]] disappoint him, [[Bashar al-Assad]] disappoints him, [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]] as well. ** David Remnick, on [http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2014/05/06/obama_biographer_david_remnick_the_world_seems_to_disappoint_him.html ''MSNBC'' (6 May 2014)] * Barack Obama has failed America. When he took office, the economy was in recession. He made it worse. And he made it last longer. Three years later, over 16 million Americans are out of work or have just quit looking. Millions more are underemployed. Three years later, unemployment is still above 8%, a figure he said his stimulus would keep from happening. Three years later, foreclosures are still at record levels. Three years later the prices of homes continue to fall. Three years later, our national debt has grown nearly as large as our entire economy. Families are buried under higher prices for food and higher prices for gasoline. It breaks my heart to see what's happening in this country. These failing hopes make up President Obama's own misery index. It's never been higher. **[[Mitt Romney]]-[http://blog.4president.org/2012/2011/06/mitt-romney-2012-presidential-campaign-announcement-speech-june-2-2011-stratham-new-hampshire-remark.html Mitt Romney 2012 Presidential Campaign Announcement Speech] === S === * He is a community organizer like [[Jesus]] was …And now, we’re a community and he can organize us. ** [[Susan Sarandon]], as quoted in [http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/2169921/posts "Celebs compare Obama to Jesus, Gandhi By Betsy Rothstein" in ''The Hill'' (22 January 2009)] * Now we have an unknown stealth candidate who went to a madrassas in Indonesia and, in fact, was a Muslim. ** [[Michael Savage]], radio show ''The Savage Nation'' (3 April 2008) [http://mediamatters.org/research/2008/04/07/savage-on-obama-now-we-have-an-unknown-stealth/143128] * [Obama is] a Marxist in his heart. He's an Afro-Leninist, and I know he's dangerous. ** [[Michael Savage]], radio show ''The Savage Nation'' (14 April 2008) [http://mediamatters.org/research/2008/04/15/savage-on-obama-hes-an-afro-leninist-and-i-know/143219] * Obama is not insane. He's stoned. He's stoned on the orthodoxy of the progressive left. Obama and his supporters are drunk on their ideology. They think they're going to create a progressive utopia by continuing their attack on all Western values. This is precisely how great civilizations of the past declined and eventually fell. They rejected the values that made them great and degenerated into narcissism and selfishness. They kept on partying until they were too weak to defend themselves. Then, the unthinkable happened. They fell. ** [[Michael Savage]], ''Government Zero: No Borders, No Language, No Culture'' (2015), [http://www.wnd.com/2015/11/a-dance-of-death-in-the-west/ "A dance of death in the West"] * I was most forcefully struck by this sentence: “As president, I refuse to set goals that go beyond our responsibility, our means, or our interests.” <br> That is perhaps the most starkly expressed realist sentiment that I can remember hearing from a president since … well, I’m honestly not sure when. And Obama then followed it up by citing Eisenhower, who was really the last president to worry publicly about the balance between our commitments abroad and our ability to pay for them. ** Peter Scoblic, in [http://www.tnr.com/blog/the-plank/obama-channels-eisenhower "Obama Channels Eisenhower" in ''The New Republic'' (2 December 2009)] * In Cairo, Obama said his job as president of the United States is to "fight against negative stereotypes of Islam wherever they appear." That's certainly not the job of the president of the United States. It is not even the job of the most ardently tolerant Christian. Is it any wonder that so many people believe Obama to be an emissary of Islam? ** [[w:Ben Shapiro|Ben Shapiro]], [http://townhall.com/columnists/benshapiro/2010/08/25/is_barack_obama_a_muslim/page/full "Is Barack Obama a Muslim?", ''Townhall'' (25 August 2010)] * President Obama is highly concerned with education. He’s a champion on early-childhood development strategies. So I like the work he’s doing, and I support it, and I realise that he’s one of very few political leaders around the world that actually has early-childhood development strategies at the top of his agenda. ** [[Shakira]], [http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/music/features/shakira-interview-feeling-sexy-is-empowering-9189505.html The Independent article "Shakira interview: 'Feeling sexy is empowering'" by Craig McLean] (15 March 2014) * If Barack Obama was a state he'd be California. I mean, think about it: diverse, open, smart, independent, oppose tradition, innovative, inspiring, dreamer, leader. ** [[w:Maria Shriver|Maria Shriver]] at [http://www.latimes.com/news/politics/la-na-trail4feb04,1,2243263.story?ctrack=4&cset=true Obama 2008 rally at UCLA (2 February 2008)] * He single-handedly protected more natural habitat than any US president in history, using the Antiquities Act 34 times to conserve more than 550 million acres of lands and waters as national monuments ** [[Sierra Club]] [https://www.sierraclub.org/sierra/step-aside-david-attenborough-obama-s-bringing-soothing-zoological-success-stories-now Step Aside, David Attenborough—Obama’s Bringing the Soothing Zoological Success Stories Now] (Apr 16 2022) * This isn't just some phenomenon of the Internet — to liken Barack Obama to the flash-in-the-pan [[Howard Dean|Dean]] campaign does him a disservice. There is something happening with this guy, and I don't think he should be given short shrift. ** Gary South, Democratic Party strategist [http://www.insightmag.com/ME2/dirmod.asp?sid=5D3B38F8A2584DB5A77BA05660C6045C&nm=Free+Access&type=news&mod=News&mid=9A02E3B96F2A415ABC72CB5F516B4C10&tier=3&nid=4EFB07F80FCB4B919158A26137E6A453 (9 February 2008)] * It is February 27, 2013. Barack Obama, having been safely reelected, awakens one morning to news that Muslims in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Indonesia, Egypt, and elsewhere are rioting and storming U.S. embassies, tearing down the American flag and raising the black flag of jihad. They're in a rage over a book that depicts Muhammad as waging war against his enemies, consummating a marriage with a nine-year-old girl when in his fifties, and raining down curses upon Jews, Christians, and others. A grim-faced Obama immediately takes to the airwaves. [...] On the grounds that they're promoting "Islamophobia," feminists who speak out against the forced head coverings and brutalization are swiftly arrested and prosecuted. Other Sharia demands follow. Pork and alcohol products disappear from grocery shelves. New laws are enacted that restrict the movements, educational opportunities, and employment opportunities of women. All the new laws are sold as preventing hatred against Muslims. No one dares speak out. **[[w:Robert Spencer (author)|Robert Spencer]], in [http://pjmedia.com/blog/2013-the-death-of-free-speech/?singlepage=true 2013: "The Death of Free Speech" at PJMedia.com] * Now we've got money, Obama money<br>Yeah, we're printin' it in the basement just as fast as we can<br>We've got money, Obama money<br>We're livin' the Obama budget plan! ** Ray Stevens, in his song "Obama Budget Plan" (2011) * Obama's legislative record, speeches, and the way he has run his campaign reveal, I think, a very even temperament, a very sound judgment, and an intelligent pragmatism. Prudence is a word that is not inappropriate to him. **[[w:Andrew Sullivan|Andrew Sullivan]], in [http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2008/01/bainbridge-asks.html ''The Atlantic'' (4 January 2008)] * Does this look like a behavior of an innocent person? An innocent person would have come to court and showed all the valid documents with the embossed seals, which are verifiable. Instead he is acting like a 5-year-old brat, saying "I am afraid of Orly", "I want the secretary of state of GA to act like my mommy and protect me from Orly." Some leader of a free world... ** [[w:Orly Taitz|Orly Taitz]], [http://www.orlytaitzesq.com/?p=30746 Obama And His Attorney Are Acting like Frightened 5 Year Olds. In His Letter He Ignores The Other 2 Attorneys, But Is Pretty Much Saying 'I Am Afraid Of Orly" (12 January 2012)] * Senator Obama has adopted the position of every liberal interest group in this country. ** [[Fred Thompson]], as quoted in [http://www.reuters.com/article/politicsNews/idUSN0535112920080106 "Republican candidates turn sights on Obama" in ''Reuters'' (5 January 2008)] *'''Donald Trump''': Meredith, he spent two million dollars in legal fees trying to get away from this issue. And if he weren't lying, why wouldn't he just solve it? And I wish he would, because if he doesn't, it's one of the greatest scams in the history of politics, and in the history period. You are not allowed to be a president if you're not born in this country. He may not be born in this country. And I'll tell you what, three weeks ago I thought he was born in this country. Right now, I have some real doubts. I have people that actually have been studying it and they cannot believe what they're finding.<br />'''Meredith Vieira''': You have people now, down there searching—<br />'''Trump''': Absolutely.<br />'''Vieira''': I mean, in Hawaii?<br />'''Trump''': Absolutely. And they cannot believe what they're finding. I would like to have him show his birth certificate, and can I be honest with you, I hope he can. Because if he can't, if he can't, if he wasn't born in this country, which is a ''real'' possibility, I'm not saying it hap— I'm saying it's a ''real'' possibility, much greater than I thought two or three weeks ago, then he has pulled one of the great cons in the history of politics. And beyond politics. ** [[Donald Trump]], {{citation |title=Today |date=2011-04-07 |publisher=NBC |medium=Television}} * Obama gave a good speech but not nearly as good as the press would have you believe. Whether it’s good or bad, the press will say it’s fantastic. In many ways, I like Obama. It’s hard to define. There’s something about him I do like. I’m embarrassed to admit it. I give him a lot of credit. It’s very unique and very hard to do and I give him tremendous credit. He became a two-term president of the United States. He’s got some quality going. ** [[Donald Trump]], on Obama's speech at the {{w|2016 Democratic National Convention}}, interview with ''[[w:The New York Times|The New York Times']]'' [[Maureen Dowd]]. [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/30/opinion/trumps-thunderbolts.html] (July 29, 2016) * He's a terrible president, he'll probably go down as the worst president in the history of our country, he's been a total disaster. ** [[Donald Trump]], during an interview with [[w:WJLA-TV|WJLA]]. [http://edition.cnn.com/2016/08/02/politics/donald-trump-obama-election-2016/] (August 2, 2016) * [[ISIS]] is honoring President Obama. He is the founder of ISIS. He founded ISIS. And I would say the co-founder would be crooked [[Hillary Clinton]]. ** [[Donald Trump]], during a Florida rally at the BB&T Center in Sunrise, as quoted in [http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/donald-trump-president-barack-obama-founder-isis/story?id=41286869 "Donald Trump: President Barack Obama 'Is the Founder of ISIS'"] by David Caplan, ''ABC News'' (10 August 2016) * '''Q''': (Inaudible) if 160,000 people had died on President Obama's watch, do you think you would have called for his resignation? : '''[[Donald Trump]]''': No, I wouldn’t have done that. :* ''[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-press-briefing-august-10-2020/ Remarks by President Trump in Press Briefing | August 10, 2020]'', issued on: August 11, 2020, ''{{w|whitehouse.gov}}'' :* Note: In October 2014, Donald Trump [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/525431218910027776 tweeted] that U.S. President Barack Obama should resign because a doctor who had treated [[Ebola]] patients in Guinea returned to the U.S, reported in ''[https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-obama-ebola-tweet/ Did Trump Call for Obama to Resign After Ebola Doctor Returned to U.S.?]'' by David Mikkelson, 15 May 2020, ''{{w|Snopes}}''. * As [[Jews]], we really care about what's in your [[wikt:kishke#English|kishkas]]. We want to look into someone's heart and know where they stand and that they stand with us. And I've looked into Barack Obama's heart and his kishkas. I know that he feels the issues that are important to us. I've seen what's in his kishkas, and I know that this is a mensch that we have in the White House. ** [[w:Debbie Wasserman Schultz|Debbie Wasserman Schultz]], as quoted in [http://www.sun-sentinel.com/news/elections/fl-jewish-vote-obama-20111105,0,6311080.story "Democrats hope to avoid losing Jewish voters in South Florida" by Anthony Man, in ''Sun Sentinel'' (6 November 2011)] * If the boot is on our neck, does it make any difference what color the foot is in the boot? ** [[Cornel West]], ''Black Prophetic Fire'' (2014), p. 164 * I think my dear brother Barack Obama has a certain fear of free black men. It’s understandable. As a young brother who grows up in a white context, brilliant African father, he’s always had to fear being a white man with black skin. All he has known culturally is white. He is just as human as I am, but that is his cultural formation. When he meets an independent black brother, it is frightening. [..] He feels most comfortable with upper middle-class white and [[Jews|Jewish men]] who consider themselves very smart, very savvy and very effective in getting what they want. He’s got two homes. He has got his family and whatever challenges go on there, and this other home. [[w:Larry Summers|Larry Summers]] blows his mind because he’s so smart. He’s got Establishment connections. He’s embracing me. It is this smartness, this truncated brilliance, that titillates and stimulates brother Barack and makes him feel at home. ** [[Cornel West]], as quoted in [http://www.truthdig.com/report/page2/the_obama_deception_why_cornel_west_went_ballistic_20110516/ "The Obama Deception: Why Cornel West Went Ballistic"] by [[w:Chris Hedges|Chris Hedges]] in ''Truthdig'' (16 May 2011) * My party, unfortunately, is the bastion of those people, not all of them, but most of them, who are still basing their decision on race. Let me just be candid: My party is full of [[Racism|racists]]. And the real reason a considerable portion of my party wants President Obama out of the White House has nothing to do with the content of his character, nothing to do with his competence as commander-in-chief and president, and everything to do with the color of his skin. And that's despicable. **[[Lawrence Wilkerson]] in [http://www.msnbc.com/the-ed-show/colin-powells-former-chief-staff-my-par "Colin Powell’s former chief of staff: 'My party is full of racists'"],''MSNBC'' (26 October 2012) * It would be like [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] playing golf with [[Benjamin Netanyahu]]. ** [[w:Hank Williams, Jr.|Hank Williams, Jr.]], on Barack Obama and [[John Boehner]] playing golf, on ''Fox & Friends'', as quoted in [http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/tv-column/post/espn-drops-hank-williams-jr-from-mondays-football-opening-after-singer-compares-obama-to-hitler/2011/10/03/gIQApPx6IL_blog.html "ESPN permanently drops Hank Williams Jr. after singer compares Obama to Hitler" by Lisa de Moraes in ''The TV Column'' (3 October 2011)] * He’s luckier than a dog with two dicks. ** [[w:Bill Clinton|Bill Clinton]], on Obama's 2012 re-election chances, quoted in {{citation |title=The Intervention |periodical=The New Yorker |url=http://nymag.com/news/features/heilemann-halperin-double-down-excerpt-2013-11/index1.html |quote=Clinton trotted out for his pals the same line again and again... }} * We've got a Muslim president who hates farming, hates the military, hates the U.S., and we hate him! ** [[w:Hank Williams, Jr.|Hank Williams, Jr.]], Iowa State Fair, (17 August 2012), quoted in [http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/OTUS/hank-williams-jr-tells-crowd-obama-muslim-hates/story?id=17042110 "Hank Williams Jr. Tells Crowd Obama Is a 'Muslim' Who 'Hates the Military'" at ''ABC News'']. * If he wanted, the Barack Obama of today could have a pretty good debate with the Barack Obama of yesterday. They could argue about whether the death penalty is ever appropriate. Whether it makes sense to ban handguns. They might explore their differences on the Patriot Act or parental notification of abortion. ** [http://www.themonitor.com/common/printer/view.php?db=monitortx&id=7584 Christopher Wills, in "On some issues, record suggests Obama’s views have changed a bit over time" in the Associated Press, (22 December 2007)] *'''You lie!''' **[[Joe Wilson (U.S. politician)|Joe Wilson]], outburst during [[w:Barack Obama speech to joint session of Congress, September 2009|President Barack Obama's address]] to a [[w:Joint session of Congress|joint session of Congress]] (September 9, 2009). Alex Isenstadt, [http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0909/27194.html "Resolution of disapproval passed"], ''Politico'', 15 September 2009. [http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Raising_a_Question_of_the_Privileges_of_the_House "Raising a Question of the Privileges of the House", H.R. 744], ''Congressional Record:'' 15 September 2009, pp. H9529-H9534. * Don't compare President Barack Obama to Captain James T. Kirk. Mr. Obama has the onerous burden of obeying the constitution [and] Captain Kirk was captain of everybody's fate. He was a dictator. ** [[William Shatner]] [http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2011/10/05/william-shatners-armageddon-warning-to-prez-candidates/] * [[Neoliberalism]] with a Black face is neither the index of a revolutionary advance nor the end of anti-Blackness as a constituent element of U.S. antagonisms. If anything, the election of Obama enables a plethora of shaming discourses in response to revolutionary politics and “legitimates” widespread disavowal of any notion that the United States itself, and not merely its policies and practices, is unethical. ** [[Frank Wilderson]], ''Red, White and Black: Cinema and the Structure of U. S. Antagonisms'' (Durham: Duke University Press: 2010) * It felt like a new day. **[[Oprah Winfrey]] on Obama's 2004 speech at the Democratic convention, in "Man of the Moment" at ''Oprah.com'' (19 January 2005) ==See also== * [[List of presidents of the United States]] == External links == {{Sister project links|w=Barack Obama|wikt=no|b=no|s=Author:Barack Obama|commons=Barack Obama|n=Barack Obama|v=no|species=no|d=Q76|voy=no|m=no|mw=no}} * {{Official website|http://www.barackobama.com/}} * [http://www.legis.state.il.us/Senate/Senator.asp?MemberID=747 Barack Obama Illinois State Senate Biography] * [http://www.chicagotribune.com/obama Chicago Tribune coverage of Obama] * [http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=04/07/28/1313225 Obama's 2004 Democratic National Convention keynote speech] in [[w:RealVideo|RealVideo]], [[w:RealAudio|RealAudio]], or [[w:MP3|MP3]] format. == References == {{DEFAULTSORT:Obama, Barack}} [[Category:1961 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Presidents of the United States]] [[Category:Members of the United States Senate]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] [[Category:Lawyers from Illinois]] [[Category:Memoirists from the United States]] [[Category:Autobiographers from the United States]] [[Category:People from Hawaii]] [[Category:People from Chicago]] [[Category:Nobel Peace Prize laureates]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 2012]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 2008]] [[Category:Democratic Party (United States) politicians]] [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:Orators from the United States]] [[Category:Protestants from the United States]] [[Category:Harvard University alumni]] [[Category:Nobel laureates from the United States]] ent377qv9yvul9ohoec4mpqbx9xug20 0 4649 3157996 3156886 2022-08-25T23:17:16Z 2001:8F8:1B2F:AB8A:18F7:1861:80E:5773 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Autor | Nome = Kanye West | Photo = Kanye West at the 2009 Tribeca Film Festival-2 (cropped).jpg | Wikisource = | Wikipedia = Kanye West | Wikicommons = Category:Kanye West }} '''[[w:Kanye West|Kanye Omari West]]''' (born [[June 8]], [[1977]]) is an American rapper, singer, songwriter, record producer, fashion designer, and entrepreneur based in Chicago, Illinois. He is widely regarded as one of the greatest and most influential musicians of all time, as well as one of the greatest musicians of his generation. One of the [[w:List of best-selling music artists|world's best-selling music artists]], with over 160 million records sold, West has won 24 [[w:Grammy Awards|Grammy Awards]], the [[w:Grammy Award records#Most Grammys won|joint tenth-most of all time]], and the joint-most Grammy awards of any rapper along with [[Jay-Z]]. He is frequently lauded as one of [[w:Hip hop music|hip hop]]'s greatest artists, with his music among the most acclaimed. Six of West's albums were included on ''[[w:Rolling Stone|Rolling Stone]]''{{'}}s 2020 [[w:Rolling Stone's 500 Greatest Albums of All Time|500 Greatest Albums of All Time]] list with the same publication naming him one of the [[w:Rolling Stone's 100 Greatest Songwriters of All Time|100 Greatest Songwriters of All Time]]. He holds the joint record (with [[Bob Dylan]]) for most albums (4) topping the annual [[w:Pazz & Jop|Pazz & Jop]] critic poll, and has the 5th most appearances on the [[w:Billboard Hot 100|''Billboard'' Hot 100]] (133 entries). ''[[w:Time (magazine)|Time]]'' magazine named him one of the [[w:Time 100|100 most influential people in the world]] in 2005 and 2015. [https://muzlyrics.net/artist/k/kanye-west.html All lyrics by Kanye West in MUZLYRICS]==Lyrics== <small>All songs produced by Kanye West, except as noted.</small> === ''[[w:The College Dropout|The College Dropout]]'' (2004)=== * Man, I promise, she's so self conscious<br> She has no idea what she doin' in college<br> That major that she majored in don't make no money<br> But she won't drop out, her parents will look at her funny.<br> Now, tell me that ain't insecurr,<br> The concept of school seemed so securr.<br> Sophomore, three yurrs, ain't picked a carurr. ** ''[[w:All Falls Down|All Falls Down]]'' * It seems, we living the American dream<br> But people highest up got the lowest self esteem.<br> The prettiest people do the ugliest things<br> For the road to riches and diamond rings. ** ''[[w:All Falls Down|All Falls Down]]'' * We'll buy a lot of clothes, but we don't really need 'em<br> Things we buy to cover up what's inside<br> 'Cause they made us hate ourself and love their wealth. ** ''[[w:All Falls Down|All Falls Down]]'' * God show me the way, because the Devil's trying to break me down<br> The only thing that I pray is that my feet don't fail me now<br> And I don't think there's nothing I can do now to right my wrongs<br> I wanna talk to God, but I'm afraid 'cause we ain't spoke in so long. ** ''[[w:Jesus Walks|Jesus Walks]]'' * To the hustlers, killers, murderers, drug dealers, even the strippers<br> (Jesus walks with them)<br> To the victims of welfare for we livin' in hell here, hell yeah<br> (Jesus walks with them)<br> Now, hear ye, hear ye, want to see Thee more clearly<br> I know He hear me when my feet get weary<br> 'Cause we're the almost nearly extinct<br> We rappers is role models: we rap, we don't think<br> I ain't here to argue about his facial features<br> Or here to convert atheists into believers<br> I'm just trying to say the way school needs teachers,<br> The way Kathie Lee needed Regis, that's the way I need Jesus<br> So here go my single, radio needs this<br> They say you can rap about anything except for Jesus<br> That means guns, sex, lies, videotape<br> But if I talk about God, my record won't get played, huh? ** ''[[w:Jesus Walks|Jesus Walks]]'' * I get down for my grandfather who took my mama<br> Made her sit in that seat where white folks ain't want us to eat<br> At the tender age of six, she was arrested for the sit-ins<br> And with that in my blood, I was born to be different<br> Now niggas can't make it to ballots to choose leadership<br>But we can make it to Jacob's or to the dealership<br>That's why I hear new music and I just don't be feeling it<br>Racism's still alive, they just be concealin' it. ** ''[[w:Never Let Me Down (Kanye West song)|Never Let Me Down]]'' * My flow is in the pocket like Wallace, I got the bounce like hydraulics,<br> I can't call it, I got the swerve like alcoholics.<br> My freshman year, I was going through hella problems<br> 'Til I built up the nerve to drop my ass up out of college. ** ''Get Em High'' * Always said if I rapped, I'd say somethin' significant<br> But now I'm rapping 'bout money, hoes, and rims again. ** ''Breathe In Breathe Out'' * Told 'em I finished school, and I started my own business.<br>They say, 'Oh you graduated?' No, I decided I was finished. ** ''School Spirit'' * Two words, Chi-town raised me crazy,<br> So I live by two words: 'Fuck you, pay me'<br> Screaming, 'Jesus, save me'<br> You know how the game be, I can't let 'em change me<br> 'Cause on judgment day, you gon' blame me<br> Look, God, it's the same me<br> And I basically know now, we get racially profiled<br> 'Cuffed up and hosed down, pimped up and ho'd down<br> Plus, I got a whole city to hold down<br> From the bottom, so the top's the only place to go now. ** ''[[w:Two Words|Two Words]]'' * How do you console my mom or give her light support<br> Tellin' her her son's on life support?<br> And just imagine how my girl feel,<br> On the plane scared as hell that her guy look like Emmett Till. ** ''[[w:Through the Wire|Through the Wire]]'' * And I still won't grow up, I'm a grown-ass kid<br> Swear I should be locked up for stupid shit that I did<br> But I'm a champion, so I turned tragedy to triumph<br> Make music that's fire, spit my soul through the wire. ** ''[[w:Through the Wire|Through the Wire]]'' * Now that you're gone, it hit us<br>Super hard on Thankgiving and Christmas, this can't be right.<br> Yo, you heard the track I did man, 'This Can't Be Life'.<br> Somebody please say grace so I can save face<br> And have a reason to cover my face. ** ''Family Business'' * I woke up early this morning with a new state of mind,<br> A creative way to rhyme without usin' knives and guns.<br> Keep your nose out the sky, keep your heart to God,<br> And keep your face to the rising sun.<p> I feel like one day you'll understand me, dawg<br> You can still love your man and be manly, dawg ** ''Family Business'' * Now I could let these dream killers kill my self esteem,<br> Or use my arrogance as the steam to power my dreams<br> I use it as my gas, so they say that I'm gassed<br> But without it I'd be last, so I ought to laugh. ** ''Last Call'' * Ain't nobody expect Kanye to end up on top<br> They expected that College Dropout to drop and then flop. ** ''Last Call'' * I'm Kan, the Louis Vouitton don<br> Bought my mom purse, now she Louis Vuitton mom<br> I didn't play the hand I was dealt I changed my cards<br> I prayed to the skies and I changed my stars<br> I went to the malls and I balled too hard<br> 'Oh My God, is that a Black card?'<br> I turned around and replied 'Why yes,<br> but I prefer the term African American Express.'<p> Brains, power, and muscle like Dame, Puffy, and Russell<br> Your boy back on his hustle, you know what I've been up to<br> Killing y'all niggas on that lyrical shit<br> Mayonnaise-colored Benz, I push Miracle Whips. ** ''Last Call'' === ''[[w:Late Registration|Late Registration]]'' (2005)=== * And I heard 'em say<br> Nothing's ever promised tomorrow or today<br> From the Chi, like Tim, it's a harder way<br> So this is in the name of love like Robert say<br> Before you ask me to go get a job today,<br> Can I at least get a raise on the minimum wage? ** ''[[w: Heard 'Em Say|Heard 'Em Say]]'' * They say people in your life are seasons<br> And anything that happens is for a reason<p> The devil is alive, I feel him breathin'<br> Claiming money is the key, so keep on dreamin'<br> And put them lottery tickets just to tease us ** ''[[w: Heard 'Em Say|Heard 'Em Say]]'' * Jay's favorite line: 'Dawg, in due time!'<br>Now he look at me, like, 'Damn, dawg! You where I am!'<br> A hip hop legend<br> I think I died in that accident, 'cause this must be heaven. ** ''[[w:Touch the Sky (Kanye West song)|Touch the Sky]]'' * I'm tryin' to right my wrongs<br> But it's funny, them same wrongs helped me write this song. ** ''[[w:Touch the Sky (Kanye West song)|Touch the Sky]]'' * How we stop the Black Panthers?<br> Ronald Reagan cooked up an answer. <p> Who gave Saddam anthrax?<br> George Bush got the answers. ** ''Crack Music'' * I know it's past visiting hours,<br> But can I please give her these flowers?<p> You know the best medicine go to people that's paid.<br> If Magic Johnson got a cure for AIDS<br> And all the broke motherfuckers passed away,<br> You telling me if my grandma was in the NBA,<br> Right now, she'd be okay?<br>But since she was just a secretary<br> Working for the church for thirty-five years,<br> Things supposed to stop right here? ** ''Roses'' * Why everything that's supposed to be bad make me feel so good?<br> Everything they told me not to is exactly what I would.<br> Man, I tried to stop, man, I tried the best I could, but<br> You make me smile. ** ''Addiction'' * Little was known of Sierra Leone<br> And how it connect to the diamonds we own<p> Though it's thousands of miles away<br> Sierra Leone connect to what we go through today<br> Over here, it's a drug trade, we die from drugs<br> Over there, they die from what we buy from drugs. ** ''[[w:Diamonds From Sierra Leone|Diamonds From Sierra Leone (Remix)]]'' * I wanna tell the whole world about a friend of mine<br> This little light of mine and I'm finna let it shine<br> I'm finna take y'all back to them better times<br> I'm finna talk about my mama if y'all don't mind<br> I was three years old when you and I moved to the Chi<br> Late December, harsh winter gave me a cold<br> You fixed me up something that was good for my soul<br> Famous homemade chicken soup, can I have another bowl?<br> You work late nights just to keep on the lights<br> Mommy got me training wheels so I could keep on my bike<br> And you would give anything in this world<br> Michael Jackson leather and a glove, but didn't give me a curl<br> And you never put no man over me<br> And I love you for that, mommy, can't you see?<br> Seven years old, caught you with tears in your eyes<br> 'Cause a nigga cheatin', telling you lies, then I started to cry<br> As we knelt on the kitchen floor<br> I said mommy I'ma love you 'til you don't hurt no more<br> And when I'm older, you ain't gotta work no more<br> And I'ma get you that mansion that we couldn't afford. ** ''[[w:Hey Mama (Kanye West song)|Hey Mama]]'' * Forrest Gump mama said, 'Life is like a box of chocolates'<br> My mama told me go to school, get your doctorate<br> Somethin to fall back on, you could profit with<br> But still supported me when I did the opposite<br> Now I feel like there's things I gotta get,<br> things I gotta do, just to prove to you<br> You was getting through, can the choir, please<br> Give me a verse of 'You Are So Beautiful To Me'<br> Can't you see, you're like a book of poetry<br> Maya Angelou, Nikki Giovanni, turn one page and there's my mommy. ** ''[[w:Hey Mama (Kanye West song)|Hey Mama]]'' * I was sick about awards, couldn't nobody cure me<br> Only playa that got robbed but kept all his jewelry<br> Alicia Keys tried to talk some sense in him<br> Thirty minutes later seein' there's no convincin' him<br> What more could you ask for? The international asshole<br> Who complain about what he is owed?<br> And throw a tantrum like he is three years old<br> You gotta love it though: somebody still speaks from his soul<br> And wouldn't change by the change or the game or the fame<br> When he came in the game, he made his own lane<br> Now all I need is y'all to pronounce my name<br> It's Kanye, but some of my plaques, they still say 'Kayne'. ** ''[[w:Diamonds From Sierra Leone|Diamonds from Sierra Leone]]'' === ''[[W:Graduation (album)|Graduation]]'' (2007) === * Good morning and look at the valedictorian<br> Scared of the future while I hop in the DeLorean<br> Scared to face the world, complacent career student<br> Some people graduate, but be still stupid ** ''[[w:Good Morning (Kanye West song)|Good Morning]]'' * When it feel like living's harder than dyin'<br> For me givin' up's way harder than tryin'<br> Lauryn Hill said her heart was in Zion<br> I wish her heart still was in rhymin'<br> 'Cause who the kids gon' listen to, huh?<br> I guess me if it isn't you<br> Last week I paid a visit to the institute<br> They got the dropout keepin' kids in the school. ** ''Champion'' * And I'm back on my grind<br> A psychic read my lifeline, told me in my lifetime<br> My name would help light up the Chicago skyline<br> And that's why I'm<Br> Seven o'clock, that's primetime<br> Heaven'll watch, God calling from the hotlines<br> Why he keep giving me hot lines?<br> I'm a star, how could I not shine? ** ''[[w:I Wonder (Kanye West song)|I Wonder]]'' * I had a dream I could buy my way to heaven<br> When I awoke, I spent that on a necklace<br> I told God I'd be back in a second<br> Man, it's so hard not to act reckless<br> To whom much is given, much is tested<br> Get arrested, guess until he get the message<br> I feel the pressure, under more scrutiny<br> And what I do? Act more stupidly<br> Bought more jewelry, more Louis V<br> My mama couldn't get through to me<br> The drama, people suing me<br> I'm on TV talking like it's just you and me<br> I'm just saying how I feel, man<br> I ain't one of the Cosbys, I ain't go to Hillman<br> I guess the money should've changed him<br> I guess I should've forgot where I came from. ** ''[[w:Can't Tell Me Nothing|Can't Tell Me Nothing]]'' * She don't believe in shooting stars<br> But she believe in shoes and cars<p> Order the hors d'oeuvres, views of the water<br> Straight from a page of your favorite author<br> And the weather's so breezy<br> Man, why can't life always be this easy? ** ''[[w:Flashing Lights (Kanye West song)|Flashing Lights]]'' * In my past, you on the other side of the glass<br> Of my memory's museum<br> I'm just sayin', hey, Mona Lisa<br> Come home, you know you can't roam without Caesar. ** ''[[w:Flashing Lights (Kanye West song)|Flashing Lights]]'' * People talking shit, but when the shit hits the fan<br> Everything I'm not made me everything I am.<br> I know people wouldn't usually rap this<br> But I got the facts to back this<br> Just last year, Chicago had over six hundred caskets<br> Man, killing's some wack shit<br> Oh, I forgot, 'cept for when niggas is rappin'<br> Do you know what it feel like when people is passin'?<br> He got changed over his chains a block off Ashland<br> I need to talk to somebody, pastor<br> The church want tithe, so I can't afford to pay<br> Pink slip on my door, 'cause I can't afford to stay<br> My fifteen seconds up, but I got more to say--<br> 'That's enough Mr. West, please, no more today.' ** ''Everything I Am'' * I met this girl when I was three years old<br> And what I loved most, she had so much soul<br> She said, 'Excuse me, little homie, I know you don't know me<br> But my name is Windy and I like to blow trees.'<p> I told her in my heart is where she'll always be<br> She never messed with entertainers 'cause they always leave<br> She said, 'It felt like they walked and drove on me.'<br> Knew I was gang affiliated, got on TV and told on me<br> I guess that's why last winter she got so cold on me<br> She said, 'Ye, keep making that platinum and gold for me!' ** ''[[w:Homecoming (Kanye West song)|Homecoming]]'' * But if you really cared for her<br> Then you wouldn't have never hit the airport to follow your dreams<br> Sometimes I still talk to her<br> But when I talk to her, it always seems like she talking 'bout me<p> Every interview, I'm representin' you, makin' you proud<br> Reach for the stars, so if you fall, you land on a cloud<br> Jump in the crowd, spark your lighters, wave 'em around<br> If you don't know by now, I'm talking 'bout Chi-Town. ** ''[[w:Homecoming (Kanye West song)|Homecoming]]'' * My big brother was B.I.G.'s brother<br> So here's a few words from your kid brother<br> If you admire somebody you should go ahead tell 'em<br> People never get the flowers while they can still smell 'em. ** ''[[w:Big Brother (Kanye West song)|Big Brother]]'' === ''[[w:808s & Heartbreak|808s & Heartbreak]]'' (2008)=== * Last night I saw you in my dreams<br> Now I can't wait to go to sleep<br> And this life is all a dream<br> So my real life starts when I go to sleep. ** "Hey Mama", Live performance at the Grammys, 10 February 2008 [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gHisR4xmOk] * Why would she make calls out the blue?<br> Now I'm awake, sleepless in you. ** ''[[w:Say You Will (Kanye West song)|Say You Will]]'' * Chased the good life my whole life long<br> Look back on my life, and my life gone<br> Where did I go wrong?<p> And my head keeps spinning<br> Can't stop having these visions<br> I gotta get with it. ** ''[[w:Welcome to Heartbreak|Welcome to Heartbreak]]'' * How could you be so Dr. Evil?<br> You're bringin' out a side of me that I don't know<br> I decided we wasn't gon' speak so<br> Why we up 3 AM on the phone?<br> Why do she be so mad at me for?<br> Homie, I don't know, she's hot and cold<br> I won't stop, won't mess my groove up<br> 'Cause I already know how this thing go<br> You run and tell your friends that you're leaving me<br> They say that they don't see what you see in me<br> You wait a couple of months, then you gon' see<Br> You'll never find nobody better than me. ** ''[https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/kid-cudi/the-prayer.html Heartless]'' * I'm a problem that'll never ever be solved<p> I'm a monster, I'm a maven<br> I know this world is changing<br> Never gave in, never gave up<br> I'm the only thing I'm afraid of<br> No matter what, you'll never take that from me<br> My reign is as far as your eyes can see, it's amazing. ** ''[[w:Amazing (Kanye West song)|Amazing]]'' * I'm not loving you, way I wanted to<br> I can't keep my cool, so I keep it true<br> I got something to lose, so I gotta move<br> I can't keep myself and still keep you too<p> No more wasting time, you can't wait for life<br> We're just racing time, where's the finish line? ** ''[[w:Love Lockdown|Love Lockdown]]'' * 'Bout the baddest girl I ever seen<br> Straight up out a movie scene<br> Who knew she was a drama queen<br> That'd turn my life to Stephen King's?<p> Just looking at your history<br> You're like the girl from Misery<br> She said she ain't take it to this degree<br> Well, let's agree to disagree<p> You spoiled little LA girl<br> You're just an LA girl, you need to stop it now. ** ''[[w:RoboCop (song)|RoboCop]]'' * Let me know<br> Do I still got time to grow?<br> Things ain't always set in stone<br> That be known, let me know<br> Seems like street lights, glowing, happen to be<br> Just like moments, passing, in front of me<br> So I hopped in the cab and I paid my fare<br> See, I know my destination, but I'm just not there<br> In the streets<br> I'm just not there<br> Life's just not fair. ** ''[[w:Street Lights (Kanye West song)|Street Lights]]'' * On lonely nights, I start to fade<br> Her love's a thousand miles away<p> It's 4 AM and I can't sleep<br> Her love is all that I can see<p> Memories made in the coldest winter<br> Goodbye, my friend, will I ever love again?<p> If spring can take the snow away<br> Can it melt away all our mistakes? ** ''[[w:Coldest Winter (song)|Coldest Winter]]'' === ''[[w:My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy|My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy]]'' (2010)=== * I fantasized 'bout this back in Chicago<br> Mercy, mercy me, that Murciélago<p> Beyond the truest<br> Hey, teacher, teacher, tell me how do you respond to students?<br> And refresh the page and restart the memory?<br> Re-spark the soul and rebuild the energy?<br> We stopped the ignorance, we killed the enemy<br> Sorry for the night demons that still visit me<br> The plan was to drink until the pain over<br> But what's worse, the pain or the hangover? ** ''[[w:Dark Fantasy (song)|Dark Fantasy]]'' * Penitentiary chances, the devil dances<br> And eventually answers to the call of autumn<br> All them fallin' for the love of ballin'<br> Got caught with thirty rocks, the cop look like Alec Baldwin<br> Inter-century anthems based off inner-city tantrums<br> Based off the way we was branded<br> Face it, Jerome get more time than Brandon<br> And at the airport, they check all through my bag<br> And tell me that it's random<p> Is hip-hop just a euphemism for a new religion?<br> The soul music of the slaves that the youth is missing<br> But this is more than just my road to redemption<br> Malcolm West had the whole nation standing at attention.<p> I was looking at my resume, feeling real fresh today<br> They rewrite history, I don't believe in yesterday<br> And what's a Black Beatle anyway, a fuckin' roach?<br> I guess that's why they got me sitting in fuckin' coach. ** ''[[w:Gorgeous (Kanye West song)|Gorgeous]]'' * Screams from the haters, got a nice ring to it<br>I guess every superhero need his theme music.<p> No one man should have all that power<br> The clock’s ticking, I just count the hours<p> I embody every characteristic of the egotistic<br> He knows he's so fucking gifted<br> I just needed time alone with my own thoughts<br> Got treasures in my mind, but couldn't open up my own vault<br> My childlike creativity, purity, and honesty<br> Is honestly being crowded by these grown thoughts<br> Reality is catching up with me<br> Taking my inner child, I'm fighting for custody.<p> Lost in translation with a whole fuckin' nation<br> They say I was the abomination of Obama's nation<br> Well, that's a pretty bad way to start the conversation<p> Now this'll be a beautiful death<br> I'm jumping out the window, letting everything go. ** ''[[w:Power (Kanye West song)|Power]]'' * Restraining order, can't see my daughter<br> Her mother, brother, grandmother hate me in that order<br> Public visitation, we met at Borders<br> Told her she take me back, I'll be more supportive<br> I made mistakes, I bumped my head<br> Them courts sucked me dry, I spent that bread<br> She need her daddy, baby, please<br> Can't let her grow up in that ghetto university. ** ''[[w:All of the Lights|All of the Lights]]'' * I'm living in the future so the present is my past.<br>My presence is a present, kiss my ass. ** ''[[w:Monster (Kanye West song)|Monster]]'' * I'm so appalled, Spalding, ball<br> Balding Donald Trump taking dollars from y'all. ** ''[[w:So Appalled|So Appalled]]'' * Put your hands to the constellations<br> The way you look should be a sin, you're my sensation. ** ''[[w:Devil in a New Dress|Devil in a New Dress]]'' * May the Lord forgive us, may the gods be with us<br> In that magic hour, I seen good Christians<br> Make brash decisions, oh, she do it<br> What happened to religion? Oh, she lose it<br> She putting on her makeup, she casually allure<br> Text message break-ups, the casualty of tour<br> How she gon' wake up and not love me no more?<p> I hit the Jamaican spot, at the bar, take a seat<br> I ordered the jerk, she said you are what you eat<br> You see, I always loved that sense of humor<br> But tonight, you should have seen how quiet the room was. ** ''[[w:Devil in a New Dress|Devil in a New Dress]]'' * 'You love me for me', could you be more phony? ** ''[[w:Devil in a New Dress|Devil in a New Dress]]'' * And I always find, yeah, I always find something wrong<br> You been puttin' up with my shit just way too long<br> I'm so gifted at finding what I don't like the most<br> So I think it's time for us to have a toast<p> Let's have a toast for the douchebags<br> Let's have a toast for the assholes<br> Let's have a toast for the scumbags<br> Every one of them that I know<br> Let's have a toast for the jerk-offs<br> That'll never take work off<br> Baby, I got a plan,<br> Run away fast as you can. ** ''[[w:Runaway (Kanye West song)|Runaway]]'' * Never was much of a romantic<br> I could never take the intimacy<br> And I know I did damage<br> 'Cause the look in your eyes is killing me<br> I guess you knew of that advantage<br> 'Cause you could blame me for everything<br> And I don't know how I'ma manage<br> If one day, you just up and leave. ** ''[[w:Runaway (Kanye West song)|Runaway]]'' * Have you lost your mind?<br> Tell me when you think we crossed the line<br> No more drugs for me, pussy and religion is all I need<br> Grab my hand and baby, we'll live a hell of a lie<p> I think I fell in love with a pornstar<br> And got married in the bathroom<br> Honeymoon on the dance floor<br> And got divorced by the end of the night<br> That's one hell of a life. ** ''[[w:Hell of a Life (song)|Hell of a Life]]'' * On the bathroom wall I wrote<br> "I'd rather argue with you than to be with someone else"<br> I took a piss and dismiss it like "fuck it"<br> And I went and found somebody else<br> Fuck arguing and harvesting the feelings<br> Yo, I'd rather be by my fuckin' self<br> 'Til about 2 a.m. and I call back<br> And I hang up and I start to blame myself<br> Somebody help<p> You weren't perfect, but you made life worth it<br> Stick around, some real feelings might surface. ** ''[[w:Blame Game|Blame Game]]'' * You're my devil, you're my angel<br> You're my heaven, you're my hell<br> You're my now, you're my forever<br> You're my freedom, you're my jail<br> You're my lies, you're my truth<br> You're my war, you're my truce<br> You're my questions, you're my proof<br> You're my stress and you're my masseuse<p> Run from the lights, run from the night, run for your life. ** ''[[w:Lost in the World|Lost in the World]]'' === ''[[w:Yeezus|Yeezus]]'' (2013) === * Pardon, I'm getting my scream on<br> Enter the kingdom<br> But watch who you bring home<br> They see a black man with a white woman<br> At the top floor they gon' come to kill King Kong<br> Middle America packed in<br> Came to see me in my black skin<br> Number one question they're asking<br> Fuck every question you asking<br> If I don't get ran out by Catholics<br> Here come some conservative Baptists<br> Claiming I'm overreacting. ** ''[[w:Black Skinhead|Black Skinhead]] * Soon as they like you make 'em unlike you<br> Cause kissing people's ass is so unlike you. ** ''[[w:I Am a God|I Am a God]]'' * My mama was raised in the era when<br> Clean water was only served to the fairer skin<br> Doing clothes, you would've thought I had help<br> But they wasn't satisfied unless I picked the cotton myself.<p> So go and grab the reporters<br> So I can smash their recorders<br> See, they'll confuse us with some bullshit<br> Like the New World Order<br> Meanwhile the DEA<br> Teamed up with the CCA<br> They tryna lock niggas up<br> They tryna make new slaves<br> See, that's that privately owned prison<br> Get your peace today<br> They prolly all in the Hamptons<br> Bragging 'bout what they made. ** ''[[w:New Slaves|New Slaves]]'' * "Baby girl, he's a loner, baby girl, he's a loner"<br> Late-night organ donor, after that, he'll disown ya<br> After that he's just hopeless, soul mates become soulless<br> "When it's over it's over," and bitch, I'm back out my coma ** ''[[w:Hold My Liquor|Hold My Liquor]]'' * Time to take it too far now<br> Michael Douglas out the car now.<br> Got the kids-and-the-wife life<br> But can't wake up from the nightlife<br> I'm so scared of my demons<br> I go to sleep with a nightlight<br> My mind move like a Tron bike<br> Pop a wheelie on the Zeitgeist. ** ''[[w:I'm In It|I'm In It]]'' * Before the limelight stole ya<br> Remember we were so young<br> When I would hold you<br> Before the blood on the leaves<br> I know there ain't nothin' wrong with me<br> Something strange is happening<br> We could've been somebody<p> Before they call lawyers<br> Before you tried to destroy us<br> How you gon' lie to the lawyer?<br> It's like I don't even know ya<br> I gotta bring it back to the 'nolia<p> All in on that alimony, uh<br> Yeah, yeah, she got you, homie, yeah<br> 'Til death, but do your part<br> Unholy matrimony. ** ''[[w:Blood on the Leaves|Blood on the Leaves]]'' * I know I got a bad reputation<br> 'Walk around, always mad' reputation<br> 'Leave a pretty girl sad' reputation<br> Start a Fight Club, Brad reputation<p> Close your eyes and let the word paint a thousand pictures<br> One good girl is worth a thousand bitches<br> Bound. ** ''[[w:Bound 2|Bound 2]]'' === ''[[w:The Life of Pablo|The Life of Pablo]]'' (2016) === * We on an ultralight beam<br> This is a God dream<br> This is everything<p> Deliver us serenity<br> Deliver us peace<br> Deliver us loving<br> We know we need it<br> That's why we need You now<br> Pray for Paris,<br> Pray for the parents. ** ''[[w:Ultralight Beam|Ultralight Beam]]'' * Up in the morning, miss you bad<br> Sorry I ain't call you back, same problem my father had<br> All this time, all he had<br> And what he dreamed, all his cash<br> Market crashed, hurt him bad<br> People get divorced for that<br> Dropped some stacks, pops is good<br> Mama passed in Hollywood<br> If you ask, lost my soul<br> Drivin' fast, lost control<br> Off the road, jaw was broke<br> 'Member we all was broke? ** ''[[w:Father Stretch My Hands|Father Stretch My Hands, Pt. 2]]'' * Seem like the more fame, I only got wilder<br> Hands up, we just doing what the cops taught us<br> I've been outta my mind a long time<br> I've been outta my mind a long time<br> I be saying how I feel at the wrong time<br> Might not come when you want but I'm on time.<p> Name one genius that ain't crazy. ** ''[[w:Feedback (Kanye West song)|Feedback]]'' * See, before I let you go<br> One last thing I need to let you know<br> You ain't never seen nothing crazier than<br> This nigga when he off his Lexapro<br> Remember that last time in Mexico?<br> Remember that last time, the episode? ** ''[[w:FML (song)|FML]]'' * Who your real friends? We all came from the bottom<br> I'm always blaming you, but what's sad, you not the problem<p> Real friends<br> I guess I get what I deserve, don't I?<br> Word on the streets is they ain't heard from him<br> I guess I get what I deserve, don't I?<br> Talked down on my name, throwed dirt on him. ** ''[[w:Real Friends (Kanye West song)|Real Friends]]'' * You tried to play nice, everybody just took advantage<br> You left your fridge open, somebody just took a sandwich. ** ''[[w:Wolves (Kanye West song)|Wolves]]'' * Any rumor you ever heard about me was true and legendary<br> I done got Lewinskys and paid secretaries<br> For all my niggas with babies by bitches<br> That use they kids as meal tickets<br> Not knowin' the disconnect from the father<br> The next generation will be the real victims<p> Had my life threatened by best friends with selfish intents<br> What I'm supposed to do?<br> Ride around with a bulletproof car and some tints? ** ''[[w:No More Parties in LA|No More Parties in LA]]'' * My wife said, I can't say no to nobody<br> And at this rate, we gon' both die broke<br> Got friends that ask me for money knowing I'm in debt<br> And like my wife said, I still didn't say no<br> People trying to say I'm going crazy on Twitter<br> My friends' best advice was to stay low<br> I guess it's hard to decipher all of the bills<br> Especially when you got family members on payroll<br> The media said it was outlandish spending<br> The media said he's way out of control<p> I can see a thousand years from now in real life<br> Skate on the paradigm and shift it when I feel like<br> Troll conventional thought, don't need to question<br> I know it's antiquated so sometimes I get aggressive<br> Thank God for Jay Electra, he down with the mission<br> Did it with no permission, on our own conditions<br> Most blacks with money have been beaten to submission<br> Yeezy with the big house, did it way different<br> Never listen to Hollywood producers<br> Don't stare at money too long, it's Medusa<br> The ultimate Gemini has survived<br> I wasn't supposed to make it past 25. ** ''[[w:Saint Pablo|Saint Pablo]]'' * Most black men couldn't balance a checkbook<br> But buy a new car, talking 'bout, 'How my neck look?'<br> Well, it all looks great<br> Four hundred years later, we buyin' our own chains<br> The light is before us brothers, so the devil workin' hard<br> Real family stick together and see through the mirage<br> The smokescreens, perceptions of false reality<p> I've been woken from enlightened man's dream<br> Checkin' Instagram comments to crowdsource my self-esteem<br> Let me not say too much or do too much<br> 'Cause if I'm up way too much, I'm out of touch<br> I'm prayin' a out-of-body experience will happen<br> So the people can see my light, now it's not just rappin'<br> God, I have humbled myself before the court<br> Drop my ego when confidence was my last resort. ** ''[[w:Saint Pablo|Saint Pablo]]'' === ''[[w:Ye (album)|Ye]]'' (2018) === * My wife calling, screaming, say we 'bout to lose it all<br> Had to calm her down 'cause she couldn't breathe<br> Told her she could leave me now, but she wouldn't leave<p> Oh, don't bring that up, that's gon' get me sentimental<br> You know I'm sensitive, I got a gentle mental<br> Every time somethin' happen they want me sent to mental<br> We had an incident, but I cover incidentals<br> You want me workin' on my messagin'<br> When I'm thinkin' like George Jetson<br> But soundin' like George Jefferson<br> Then they questionin' my methods then<p> Plus, what was meant to be was meant to be<br> Even if, publicly, I lack the empathy<br> I ain't finna talk about it 'nother four centuries. ** ''[[w:Wouldn't Leave|Wouldn't Leave]]'' * Sometimes I take all the shine<br> Talk like I drank all the wine<br> Years ahead but way behind<br> I'm on one, two, three, four, five<br> No half-truths, just naked minds<br> Caught between space and time<br> This not what they had in mind<br> But maybe someday... ** ''[[w: Ghost Town (Kanye West song)|Ghost Town]]'' * Niggas is savage, niggas is monsters<br> Niggas is pimps, niggas is players<br> 'Til niggas have daughters, now they precautious<br> Father, forgive me, I'm scared of the karma<br> 'Cause now I see women as somethin' to nurture<br> Not somethin' to conquer<p> Now she cuttin' class and hangin' with friends<br> You break a glass and say it again<br> She can't comprehend the danger she in<br> If you whoop her ass, she move in with him<br> Then he whoop her ass, you go through it again<br> But how you the devil rebukin' the sin? ** ''[[w: Violent Crimes (song)|Violent Crimes]]'' === ''[[w:Jesus Is King|Jesus Is King]]'' (2019) === * If you woke, then wake up<br> With Judas, kiss and make up<br> Even with the bitter cup<br> Forgave my brothers and drank up<p> Everything old shall now become new<br> The leaves’ll be green, bearing the fruit<br> Love God and our neighbor, as written in Luke<br> The army of God, and we are the truth. ** ''[[w:Selah (song)|Selah]]'' * Lifelike, this is what your life like, try to live your life right<br> People really know you, push your buttons like typewrite<br> This is like a movie, but it's really very lifelike<br> Every single night, right, every single fight, right?<br> I was looking at the 'Gram and I don't even like likes<br> I was screaming at my dad, he told me, 'It ain't Christ-like'<p> But nobody never tell you when you're being like Christ. ** ''[[w:Follow God|Follow God]]'' * Nothing worse than a hypocrite<br> Change, he ain't really different<br> He ain't even try to get permission<br> Ask for advice and they dissed him<br> Said I'm finna do a gospel album<br> What have you been hearing from the Christians?<br> They'll be the first one to judge me<br> Make it feel like nobody love me. ** ''[[w:Hands On (song)|Hands On]]'' === ''[[w:Donda|Donda]]'' (2021) === * First, it go viral, then they get digital<br> Then they get critical, no, I'm not doin' no interview<br> Mask on my face, you can't see what I'm finna do<br> Had to move away from people that's miserable<p> And this money could never neglect me<br> I pray that my family, they never resent me<br> And she fell in love with me soon as she met me. ** ''[[w:Off the Grid (song)|Off the Grid]]'' * Genius gone clueless, it's a whole lot to risk<br> Alcohol anonymous, who's the busiest loser?<br> Heated by the rumors, read into it too much<br> Fiendin' for some true love, asked Kim, 'What do you love?'<Br> Hard to find what the truth is, but the truth was that the truth suck<br> Always seem to do stuff, but this time it was too much. ** ''[[w:Hurricane (Kanye West song)|Hurricane]]'' * I don't want my mind alerting<br> People sayin' tweeting gonna make you die early<br> How 'bout have my heart hurting?<br> Hold it all inside, that could make you die early<p> I be going through things I had to wrote<br> Celebrity drama that only Brad'll know<br> Too many family secrets, somebody passing notes<br> Things I cried about, I find laughable. ** ''[[w:Believe What I Say|Believe What I Say]]'' * Sittin' by myself, I'm just thinking<br> About all I've been through, I wish I was dreaming<br> Man, it's hard to be an angel when you surrounded by demons<br> I watched so many people leave<br> I see 'em change by the season, that's mama's sеasoning<br> God got you, the devil's watching, he just peeking in<br> I know I madе a promise that I'd never let the reaper in<br> But lately, I've been losin' all my deepest friends<br> And lately, I've been swimmin' on the deepest end<br> It's just drugs, it ain't no hugs, it ain't no love there<br> You been down so much you don't even know what's upstairs<br> Suicidal thoughts got you wonderin' what's up there<p> And if I talk to Christ, can I bring my mother back to life?<br> And if I die tonight, will I see her in the afterlife?<br> But back to reality, where everything's a tragedy. ** ''Jesus Lord'' * Startin' to feel like you ain't been happy for me lately, darling<br> Remember when you used to come around and serenade me<br> But I guess it's gone different, in a different direction, lately<br> Trying to do the right thing with the freedom that you gave me<p> Wrap your arms around with your mercy<br> I give up on doing things my way. ** ''Lord I Need You'' * Here go all your problems again<br> Three, two, one, you're pinned<p> Don't you wish the night would go numb?<br> I've been feelin' low for so long<br> I ain't had a high in so long<br> I been in the dark for so long<br> Night is always darkest 'fore the dawn<br> Gotta make my mark 'fore I'm gone<br> I don't wanna die alone<p> Sadness settin' in again<br> Three, two, one, you're pinned<br> Took your thoughts and penciled 'em in<br> Should've wrote 'em down in pen<br> And maybe they'd come to life. ** ''[[w:Come to Life (Kanye West song)|Come to Life]]'' * Mama, your son in the red hat<br> Had suffered set-backs, had 'shouldn't-have-said-thats'<br> Had made everyone mad<p> Give 'em enough of they own rope to hang 'em with<br> The paparazzi never really got what my angle is<br> They treat my married life like some type of entanglement. ** ''[[w:Life of the Party (Kanye West and André 3000 song)|Life of the Party]]'' * You know why my spirit's callin'<br> Darkness can't take light from me<br> Haven't you gone far enough?<br> Sacrificed the ones you love<br> Gave up on your sanity<br> Like some twisted fantasy<br> What would I say to everything?<br> Your actions cost everything. ** ''Never Abandon Your Family'' == Quotes == * If you have the opportunity to play this game called life, you need to appreciate every moment. A lot of people don't appreciate their moment until it's passed.<br> I know everybody asked me the question, they wanted to know, 'What, Kan, I know he's gonna wild out, I know he's gonna do something crazy.' Everybody wanted to know what I would do, if I didn't win... I guess we'll never know! ** 2005 Grammy acceptance speech [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2-bjGkcaJI] (13 Feb 2005) * I hate the way they portray us in the media. You see a black family, it says, 'They're looting.' You see a white family, it says, 'They're looking for food.'<p> George Bush doesn't care about black people. ** Live on NBC’s ''A Concert for Hurricane Relief'' (2 September 2005) * I am Warhol. I am the number 1 most impactful artist of our generation. I am Shakespeare in the flesh. Walt Disney. Nike. Google. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S78tT_YxF_c&t=16m59s]<p> The music and the clothing are just as important. That's what makes you hip hop. You show people that you're hip hop by what you wear. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S78tT_YxF_c]<p> You ain't got the answers Sway! [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S78tT_YxF_c&t=17m20s] [In response to Calloway suggesting he start a clothing company on his own] ** 2013 radio interview with [[w:Sway Calloway|Sway Calloway]] on ''Sway in the Morning'' (26 Nov 2013) * I hate when I'm on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle ** Tweet (16 Oct 2011) [http://twitter.com/#!/kanyewest/status/27590685489] * Yo, Taylor, I'm really happy for you, I'ma let you finish, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time! One of the best videos of all time! ** 2009 MTV Video Music Awards (13 September 2009) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUHQpCM7yyY] === ''Thank You and You're Welcome'' (2009)=== * Know your worth! People always act like they're doing more for you than you're doing for them. Ask yourself this question, "Why would they do that?" Obviously, you bring something to the table for them to even do business with you. ** p.3-4 * Life is 5% what happens and 95% how you react! ** p.13-14 * Would you believe in what you believe in if you were the only one who believed it? ** p.19 * I refuse to accept other people's ideas of happiness for me. As if there's a "one size fits all" standard for happiness ** p.22 ==Quotes about West== ===Music industry=== *'''[[w:John Mayer|John Mayer]]''': ** "With Kanye, the arrogant thing always comes up, but think about what that does for your ability to make art. He doesn't even question himself as to whether he can do it or not. He does it fast and good, and he doesn't stop on the side of the road to wonder if he can do it." [http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1500966/20050428/story.jhtml 28 April 2005] ** "The one thing I fear for [West] the most is if you keep talking about being the greatest, people eventually are going to want to watch you fail. Those who crash and burn are far more interesting to watch than those who actually succeed." [http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1500966/20050428/story.jhtml 28 April 2005] ===Political figures=== *'''[[w:Barack Obama|Barack Obama]]''': ** "I’ve met with Kanye [...] The thing about hip-hop today is it’s smart, it’s insightful, and the way that [West] can communicate a complex message in a very short space is remarkable." [https://www.theguardian.com/music/2008/jan/10/urban 10 Jan 2008] ** "He's a jackass." [http://web.archive.org/web/20090922232941/news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090915/ap_on_en_tv/us_tv_obama_tweet 15 Sept 2009] [commenting privately on West after West's interruption of Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards] ** "I like Kanye, He’s a Chicago guy. Smart. He’s very talented. He ''is'' a jackass, but he's talented." [https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/05/american-mozart/308931/ May 2012] [https://muzlyrics.net/artist/k/kanye-west.html All lyrics by Kanye West]== External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:West, Kanye}} [[Category:Musicians from the United States]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Rappers from the United States]] [[Category:Hip hop music]] [[Category:Record producers from the United States]] [[Category:Businesspeople from the United States]] [[Category:Fashion designers from the United States]] [[Category:Film directors from the United States]] [[Category:Philanthropists from the United States]] [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:1977 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Atlanta]] 1k1y4xjm5f44xufporffwczphkjdxze 3158000 3157996 2022-08-25T23:19:30Z 2001:8F8:1B2F:AB8A:18F7:1861:80E:5773 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Autor | Nome = Kanye West | Photo = Kanye West at the 2009 Tribeca Film Festival-2 (cropped).jpg | Wikisource = | Wikipedia = Kanye West | Wikicommons = Category:Kanye West }} '''[[w:Kanye West|Kanye Omari West]]''' (born [[June 8]], [[1977]]) is an American rapper, singer, songwriter, record producer, fashion designer, and entrepreneur based in Chicago, Illinois. He is widely regarded as one of the greatest and most influential musicians of all time, as well as one of the greatest musicians of his generation. One of the [[w:List of best-selling music artists|world's best-selling music artists]], with over 160 million records sold, West has won 24 [[w:Grammy Awards|Grammy Awards]], the [[w:Grammy Award records#Most Grammys won|joint tenth-most of all time]], and the joint-most Grammy awards of any rapper along with [[Jay-Z]]. He is frequently lauded as one of [[w:Hip hop music|hip hop]]'s greatest artists, with his music among the most acclaimed. Six of West's albums were included on ''[[w:Rolling Stone|Rolling Stone]]''{{'}}s 2020 [[w:Rolling Stone's 500 Greatest Albums of All Time|500 Greatest Albums of All Time]] list with the same publication naming him one of the [[w:Rolling Stone's 100 Greatest Songwriters of All Time|100 Greatest Songwriters of All Time]]. He holds the joint record (with [[Bob Dylan]]) for most albums (4) topping the annual [[w:Pazz & Jop|Pazz & Jop]] critic poll, and has the 5th most appearances on the [[w:Billboard Hot 100|''Billboard'' Hot 100]] (133 entries). ''[[w:Time (magazine)|Time]]'' magazine named him one of the [[w:Time 100|100 most influential people in the world]] in 2005 and 2015. [https://muzlyrics.net/artist/k/kanye-west.html All lyrics by Kanye West in MUZLYRICS]==Lyrics== <small>All songs produced by Kanye West, except as noted.</small> === ''[[w:The College Dropout|The College Dropout]]'' (2004)=== * Man, I promise, she's so self conscious<br> She has no idea what she doin' in college<br> That major that she majored in don't make no money<br> But she won't drop out, her parents will look at her funny.<br> Now, tell me that ain't insecurr,<br> The concept of school seemed so securr.<br> Sophomore, three yurrs, ain't picked a carurr. ** ''[[w:All Falls Down|All Falls Down]]'' * It seems, we living the American dream<br> But people highest up got the lowest self esteem.<br> The prettiest people do the ugliest things<br> For the road to riches and diamond rings. ** ''[[w:All Falls Down|All Falls Down]]'' * We'll buy a lot of clothes, but we don't really need 'em<br> Things we buy to cover up what's inside<br> 'Cause they made us hate ourself and love their wealth. ** ''[[w:All Falls Down|All Falls Down]]'' * God show me the way, because the Devil's trying to break me down<br> The only thing that I pray is that my feet don't fail me now<br> And I don't think there's nothing I can do now to right my wrongs<br> I wanna talk to God, but I'm afraid 'cause we ain't spoke in so long. ** ''[[w:Jesus Walks|Jesus Walks]]'' * To the hustlers, killers, murderers, drug dealers, even the strippers<br> (Jesus walks with them)<br> To the victims of welfare for we livin' in hell here, hell yeah<br> (Jesus walks with them)<br> Now, hear ye, hear ye, want to see Thee more clearly<br> I know He hear me when my feet get weary<br> 'Cause we're the almost nearly extinct<br> We rappers is role models: we rap, we don't think<br> I ain't here to argue about his facial features<br> Or here to convert atheists into believers<br> I'm just trying to say the way school needs teachers,<br> The way Kathie Lee needed Regis, that's the way I need Jesus<br> So here go my single, radio needs this<br> They say you can rap about anything except for Jesus<br> That means guns, sex, lies, videotape<br> But if I talk about God, my record won't get played, huh? ** ''[[w:Jesus Walks|Jesus Walks]]'' * I get down for my grandfather who took my mama<br> Made her sit in that seat where white folks ain't want us to eat<br> At the tender age of six, she was arrested for the sit-ins<br> And with that in my blood, I was born to be different<br> Now niggas can't make it to ballots to choose leadership<br>But we can make it to Jacob's or to the dealership<br>That's why I hear new music and I just don't be feeling it<br>Racism's still alive, they just be concealin' it. ** ''[[w:Never Let Me Down (Kanye West song)|Never Let Me Down]]'' * My flow is in the pocket like Wallace, I got the bounce like hydraulics,<br> I can't call it, I got the swerve like alcoholics.<br> My freshman year, I was going through hella problems<br> 'Til I built up the nerve to drop my ass up out of college. ** ''Get Em High'' * Always said if I rapped, I'd say somethin' significant<br> But now I'm rapping 'bout money, hoes, and rims again. ** ''Breathe In Breathe Out'' * Told 'em I finished school, and I started my own business.<br>They say, 'Oh you graduated?' No, I decided I was finished. ** ''School Spirit'' * Two words, Chi-town raised me crazy,<br> So I live by two words: 'Fuck you, pay me'<br> Screaming, 'Jesus, save me'<br> You know how the game be, I can't let 'em change me<br> 'Cause on judgment day, you gon' blame me<br> Look, God, it's the same me<br> And I basically know now, we get racially profiled<br> 'Cuffed up and hosed down, pimped up and ho'd down<br> Plus, I got a whole city to hold down<br> From the bottom, so the top's the only place to go now. ** ''[[w:Two Words|Two Words]]'' * How do you console my mom or give her light support<br> Tellin' her her son's on life support?<br> And just imagine how my girl feel,<br> On the plane scared as hell that her guy look like Emmett Till. ** ''[[w:Through the Wire|Through the Wire]]'' * And I still won't grow up, I'm a grown-ass kid<br> Swear I should be locked up for stupid shit that I did<br> But I'm a champion, so I turned tragedy to triumph<br> Make music that's fire, spit my soul through the wire. ** ''[[w:Through the Wire|Through the Wire]]'' * Now that you're gone, it hit us<br>Super hard on Thankgiving and Christmas, this can't be right.<br> Yo, you heard the track I did man, 'This Can't Be Life'.<br> Somebody please say grace so I can save face<br> And have a reason to cover my face. ** ''Family Business'' * I woke up early this morning with a new state of mind,<br> A creative way to rhyme without usin' knives and guns.<br> Keep your nose out the sky, keep your heart to God,<br> And keep your face to the rising sun.<p> I feel like one day you'll understand me, dawg<br> You can still love your man and be manly, dawg ** ''Family Business'' * Now I could let these dream killers kill my self esteem,<br> Or use my arrogance as the steam to power my dreams<br> I use it as my gas, so they say that I'm gassed<br> But without it I'd be last, so I ought to laugh. ** ''Last Call'' * Ain't nobody expect Kanye to end up on top<br> They expected that College Dropout to drop and then flop. ** ''Last Call'' * I'm Kan, the Louis Vouitton don<br> Bought my mom purse, now she Louis Vuitton mom<br> I didn't play the hand I was dealt I changed my cards<br> I prayed to the skies and I changed my stars<br> I went to the malls and I balled too hard<br> 'Oh My God, is that a Black card?'<br> I turned around and replied 'Why yes,<br> but I prefer the term African American Express.'<p> Brains, power, and muscle like Dame, Puffy, and Russell<br> Your boy back on his hustle, you know what I've been up to<br> Killing y'all niggas on that lyrical shit<br> Mayonnaise-colored Benz, I push Miracle Whips. ** ''Last Call'' === ''[[w:Late Registration|Late Registration]]'' (2005)=== * And I heard 'em say<br> Nothing's ever promised tomorrow or today<br> From the Chi, like Tim, it's a harder way<br> So this is in the name of love like Robert say<br> Before you ask me to go get a job today,<br> Can I at least get a raise on the minimum wage? ** ''[[w: Heard 'Em Say|Heard 'Em Say]]'' * They say people in your life are seasons<br> And anything that happens is for a reason<p> The devil is alive, I feel him breathin'<br> Claiming money is the key, so keep on dreamin'<br> And put them lottery tickets just to tease us ** ''[[w: Heard 'Em Say|Heard 'Em Say]]'' * Jay's favorite line: 'Dawg, in due time!'<br>Now he look at me, like, 'Damn, dawg! You where I am!'<br> A hip hop legend<br> I think I died in that accident, 'cause this must be heaven. ** ''[[w:Touch the Sky (Kanye West song)|Touch the Sky]]'' * I'm tryin' to right my wrongs<br> But it's funny, them same wrongs helped me write this song. ** ''[[w:Touch the Sky (Kanye West song)|Touch the Sky]]'' * How we stop the Black Panthers?<br> Ronald Reagan cooked up an answer. <p> Who gave Saddam anthrax?<br> George Bush got the answers. ** ''Crack Music'' * I know it's past visiting hours,<br> But can I please give her these flowers?<p> You know the best medicine go to people that's paid.<br> If Magic Johnson got a cure for AIDS<br> And all the broke motherfuckers passed away,<br> You telling me if my grandma was in the NBA,<br> Right now, she'd be okay?<br>But since she was just a secretary<br> Working for the church for thirty-five years,<br> Things supposed to stop right here? ** ''Roses'' * Why everything that's supposed to be bad make me feel so good?<br> Everything they told me not to is exactly what I would.<br> Man, I tried to stop, man, I tried the best I could, but<br> You make me smile. ** ''Addiction'' * Little was known of Sierra Leone<br> And how it connect to the diamonds we own<p> Though it's thousands of miles away<br> Sierra Leone connect to what we go through today<br> Over here, it's a drug trade, we die from drugs<br> Over there, they die from what we buy from drugs. ** ''[[w:Diamonds From Sierra Leone|Diamonds From Sierra Leone (Remix)]]'' * I wanna tell the whole world about a friend of mine<br> This little light of mine and I'm finna let it shine<br> I'm finna take y'all back to them better times<br> I'm finna talk about my mama if y'all don't mind<br> I was three years old when you and I moved to the Chi<br> Late December, harsh winter gave me a cold<br> You fixed me up something that was good for my soul<br> Famous homemade chicken soup, can I have another bowl?<br> You work late nights just to keep on the lights<br> Mommy got me training wheels so I could keep on my bike<br> And you would give anything in this world<br> Michael Jackson leather and a glove, but didn't give me a curl<br> And you never put no man over me<br> And I love you for that, mommy, can't you see?<br> Seven years old, caught you with tears in your eyes<br> 'Cause a nigga cheatin', telling you lies, then I started to cry<br> As we knelt on the kitchen floor<br> I said mommy I'ma love you 'til you don't hurt no more<br> And when I'm older, you ain't gotta work no more<br> And I'ma get you that mansion that we couldn't afford. ** ''[[w:Hey Mama (Kanye West song)|Hey Mama]]'' * Forrest Gump mama said, 'Life is like a box of chocolates'<br> My mama told me go to school, get your doctorate<br> Somethin to fall back on, you could profit with<br> But still supported me when I did the opposite<br> Now I feel like there's things I gotta get,<br> things I gotta do, just to prove to you<br> You was getting through, can the choir, please<br> Give me a verse of 'You Are So Beautiful To Me'<br> Can't you see, you're like a book of poetry<br> Maya Angelou, Nikki Giovanni, turn one page and there's my mommy. ** ''[[w:Hey Mama (Kanye West song)|Hey Mama]]'' * I was sick about awards, couldn't nobody cure me<br> Only playa that got robbed but kept all his jewelry<br> Alicia Keys tried to talk some sense in him<br> Thirty minutes later seein' there's no convincin' him<br> What more could you ask for? The international asshole<br> Who complain about what he is owed?<br> And throw a tantrum like he is three years old<br> You gotta love it though: somebody still speaks from his soul<br> And wouldn't change by the change or the game or the fame<br> When he came in the game, he made his own lane<br> Now all I need is y'all to pronounce my name<br> It's Kanye, but some of my plaques, they still say 'Kayne'. ** ''[[w:Diamonds From Sierra Leone|Diamonds from Sierra Leone]]'' === ''[[W:Graduation (album)|Graduation]]'' (2007) === * Good morning and look at the valedictorian<br> Scared of the future while I hop in the DeLorean<br> Scared to face the world, complacent career student<br> Some people graduate, but be still stupid ** ''[[w:Good Morning (Kanye West song)|Good Morning]]'' * When it feel like living's harder than dyin'<br> For me givin' up's way harder than tryin'<br> Lauryn Hill said her heart was in Zion<br> I wish her heart still was in rhymin'<br> 'Cause who the kids gon' listen to, huh?<br> I guess me if it isn't you<br> Last week I paid a visit to the institute<br> They got the dropout keepin' kids in the school. ** ''Champion'' * And I'm back on my grind<br> A psychic read my lifeline, told me in my lifetime<br> My name would help light up the Chicago skyline<br> And that's why I'm<Br> Seven o'clock, that's primetime<br> Heaven'll watch, God calling from the hotlines<br> Why he keep giving me hot lines?<br> I'm a star, how could I not shine? ** ''[[w:I Wonder (Kanye West song)|I Wonder]]'' * I had a dream I could buy my way to heaven<br> When I awoke, I spent that on a necklace<br> I told God I'd be back in a second<br> Man, it's so hard not to act reckless<br> To whom much is given, much is tested<br> Get arrested, guess until he get the message<br> I feel the pressure, under more scrutiny<br> And what I do? Act more stupidly<br> Bought more jewelry, more Louis V<br> My mama couldn't get through to me<br> The drama, people suing me<br> I'm on TV talking like it's just you and me<br> I'm just saying how I feel, man<br> I ain't one of the Cosbys, I ain't go to Hillman<br> I guess the money should've changed him<br> I guess I should've forgot where I came from. ** ''[[w:Can't Tell Me Nothing|Can't Tell Me Nothing]]'' * She don't believe in shooting stars<br> But she believe in shoes and cars<p> Order the hors d'oeuvres, views of the water<br> Straight from a page of your favorite author<br> And the weather's so breezy<br> Man, why can't life always be this easy? ** ''[[w:Flashing Lights (Kanye West song)|Flashing Lights]]'' * In my past, you on the other side of the glass<br> Of my memory's museum<br> I'm just sayin', hey, Mona Lisa<br> Come home, you know you can't roam without Caesar. ** ''[[w:Flashing Lights (Kanye West song)|Flashing Lights]]'' * People talking shit, but when the shit hits the fan<br> Everything I'm not made me everything I am.<br> I know people wouldn't usually rap this<br> But I got the facts to back this<br> Just last year, Chicago had over six hundred caskets<br> Man, killing's some wack shit<br> Oh, I forgot, 'cept for when niggas is rappin'<br> Do you know what it feel like when people is passin'?<br> He got changed over his chains a block off Ashland<br> I need to talk to somebody, pastor<br> The church want tithe, so I can't afford to pay<br> Pink slip on my door, 'cause I can't afford to stay<br> My fifteen seconds up, but I got more to say--<br> 'That's enough Mr. West, please, no more today.' ** ''Everything I Am'' * I met this girl when I was three years old<br> And what I loved most, she had so much soul<br> She said, 'Excuse me, little homie, I know you don't know me<br> But my name is Windy and I like to blow trees.'<p> I told her in my heart is where she'll always be<br> She never messed with entertainers 'cause they always leave<br> She said, 'It felt like they walked and drove on me.'<br> Knew I was gang affiliated, got on TV and told on me<br> I guess that's why last winter she got so cold on me<br> She said, 'Ye, keep making that platinum and gold for me!' ** ''[[w:Homecoming (Kanye West song)|Homecoming]]'' * But if you really cared for her<br> Then you wouldn't have never hit the airport to follow your dreams<br> Sometimes I still talk to her<br> But when I talk to her, it always seems like she talking 'bout me<p> Every interview, I'm representin' you, makin' you proud<br> Reach for the stars, so if you fall, you land on a cloud<br> Jump in the crowd, spark your lighters, wave 'em around<br> If you don't know by now, I'm talking 'bout Chi-Town. ** ''[[w:Homecoming (Kanye West song)|Homecoming]]'' * My big brother was B.I.G.'s brother<br> So here's a few words from your kid brother<br> If you admire somebody you should go ahead tell 'em<br> People never get the flowers while they can still smell 'em. ** ''[[w:Big Brother (Kanye West song)|Big Brother]]'' === ''[[w:808s & Heartbreak|808s & Heartbreak]]'' (2008)=== * Last night I saw you in my dreams<br> Now I can't wait to go to sleep<br> And this life is all a dream<br> So my real life starts when I go to sleep. ** "Hey Mama", Live performance at the Grammys, 10 February 2008 [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gHisR4xmOk] * Why would she make calls out the blue?<br> Now I'm awake, sleepless in you. ** ''[[w:Say You Will (Kanye West song)|Say You Will]]'' * Chased the good life my whole life long<br> Look back on my life, and my life gone<br> Where did I go wrong?<p> And my head keeps spinning<br> Can't stop having these visions<br> I gotta get with it. ** ''[[w:Welcome to Heartbreak|Welcome to Heartbreak]]'' * How could you be so Dr. Evil?<br> You're bringin' out a side of me that I don't know<br> I decided we wasn't gon' speak so<br> Why we up 3 AM on the phone?<br> Why do she be so mad at me for?<br> Homie, I don't know, she's hot and cold<br> I won't stop, won't mess my groove up<br> 'Cause I already know how this thing go<br> You run and tell your friends that you're leaving me<br> They say that they don't see what you see in me<br> You wait a couple of months, then you gon' see<Br> You'll never find nobody better than me. ** ''[https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/kid-cudi/the-prayer.html Heartless]'' * I'm a problem that'll never ever be solved<p> I'm a monster, I'm a maven<br> I know this world is changing<br> Never gave in, never gave up<br> I'm the only thing I'm afraid of<br> No matter what, you'll never take that from me<br> My reign is as far as your eyes can see, it's amazing. ** ''[[w:Amazing (Kanye West song)|Amazing]]'' * I'm not loving you, way I wanted to<br> I can't keep my cool, so I keep it true<br> I got something to lose, so I gotta move<br> I can't keep myself and still keep you too<p> No more wasting time, you can't wait for life<br> We're just racing time, where's the finish line? ** ''[[w:Love Lockdown|Love Lockdown]]'' * 'Bout the baddest girl I ever seen<br> Straight up out a movie scene<br> Who knew she was a drama queen<br> That'd turn my life to Stephen King's?<p> Just looking at your history<br> You're like the girl from Misery<br> She said she ain't take it to this degree<br> Well, let's agree to disagree<p> You spoiled little LA girl<br> You're just an LA girl, you need to stop it now. ** ''[[w:RoboCop (song)|RoboCop]]'' * Let me know<br> Do I still got time to grow?<br> Things ain't always set in stone<br> That be known, let me know<br> Seems like street lights, glowing, happen to be<br> Just like moments, passing, in front of me<br> So I hopped in the cab and I paid my fare<br> See, I know my destination, but I'm just not there<br> In the streets<br> I'm just not there<br> Life's just not fair. ** ''[[w:Street Lights (Kanye West song)|Street Lights]]'' * On lonely nights, I start to fade<br> Her love's a thousand miles away<p> It's 4 AM and I can't sleep<br> Her love is all that I can see<p> Memories made in the coldest winter<br> Goodbye, my friend, will I ever love again?<p> If spring can take the snow away<br> Can it melt away all our mistakes? ** ''[[w:Coldest Winter (song)|Coldest Winter]]'' === ''[[w:My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy|My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy]]'' (2010)=== * I fantasized 'bout this back in Chicago<br> Mercy, mercy me, that Murciélago<p> Beyond the truest<br> Hey, teacher, teacher, tell me how do you respond to students?<br> And refresh the page and restart the memory?<br> Re-spark the soul and rebuild the energy?<br> We stopped the ignorance, we killed the enemy<br> Sorry for the night demons that still visit me<br> The plan was to drink until the pain over<br> But what's worse, the pain or the hangover? ** ''[[w:Dark Fantasy (song)|Dark Fantasy]]'' * Penitentiary chances, the devil dances<br> And eventually answers to the call of autumn<br> All them fallin' for the love of ballin'<br> Got caught with thirty rocks, the cop look like Alec Baldwin<br> Inter-century anthems based off inner-city tantrums<br> Based off the way we was branded<br> Face it, Jerome get more time than Brandon<br> And at the airport, they check all through my bag<br> And tell me that it's random<p> Is hip-hop just a euphemism for a new religion?<br> The soul music of the slaves that the youth is missing<br> But this is more than just my road to redemption<br> Malcolm West had the whole nation standing at attention.<p> I was looking at my resume, feeling real fresh today<br> They rewrite history, I don't believe in yesterday<br> And what's a Black Beatle anyway, a fuckin' roach?<br> I guess that's why they got me sitting in fuckin' coach. ** ''[https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/kanye-west/gorgeous.html Gorgeous]'' * Screams from the haters, got a nice ring to it<br>I guess every superhero need his theme music.<p> No one man should have all that power<br> The clock’s ticking, I just count the hours<p> I embody every characteristic of the egotistic<br> He knows he's so fucking gifted<br> I just needed time alone with my own thoughts<br> Got treasures in my mind, but couldn't open up my own vault<br> My childlike creativity, purity, and honesty<br> Is honestly being crowded by these grown thoughts<br> Reality is catching up with me<br> Taking my inner child, I'm fighting for custody.<p> Lost in translation with a whole fuckin' nation<br> They say I was the abomination of Obama's nation<br> Well, that's a pretty bad way to start the conversation<p> Now this'll be a beautiful death<br> I'm jumping out the window, letting everything go. ** ''[[w:Power (Kanye West song)|Power]]'' * Restraining order, can't see my daughter<br> Her mother, brother, grandmother hate me in that order<br> Public visitation, we met at Borders<br> Told her she take me back, I'll be more supportive<br> I made mistakes, I bumped my head<br> Them courts sucked me dry, I spent that bread<br> She need her daddy, baby, please<br> Can't let her grow up in that ghetto university. ** ''[[w:All of the Lights|All of the Lights]]'' * I'm living in the future so the present is my past.<br>My presence is a present, kiss my ass. ** ''[[w:Monster (Kanye West song)|Monster]]'' * I'm so appalled, Spalding, ball<br> Balding Donald Trump taking dollars from y'all. ** ''[[w:So Appalled|So Appalled]]'' * Put your hands to the constellations<br> The way you look should be a sin, you're my sensation. ** ''[[w:Devil in a New Dress|Devil in a New Dress]]'' * May the Lord forgive us, may the gods be with us<br> In that magic hour, I seen good Christians<br> Make brash decisions, oh, she do it<br> What happened to religion? Oh, she lose it<br> She putting on her makeup, she casually allure<br> Text message break-ups, the casualty of tour<br> How she gon' wake up and not love me no more?<p> I hit the Jamaican spot, at the bar, take a seat<br> I ordered the jerk, she said you are what you eat<br> You see, I always loved that sense of humor<br> But tonight, you should have seen how quiet the room was. ** ''[[w:Devil in a New Dress|Devil in a New Dress]]'' * 'You love me for me', could you be more phony? ** ''[[w:Devil in a New Dress|Devil in a New Dress]]'' * And I always find, yeah, I always find something wrong<br> You been puttin' up with my shit just way too long<br> I'm so gifted at finding what I don't like the most<br> So I think it's time for us to have a toast<p> Let's have a toast for the douchebags<br> Let's have a toast for the assholes<br> Let's have a toast for the scumbags<br> Every one of them that I know<br> Let's have a toast for the jerk-offs<br> That'll never take work off<br> Baby, I got a plan,<br> Run away fast as you can. ** ''[[w:Runaway (Kanye West song)|Runaway]]'' * Never was much of a romantic<br> I could never take the intimacy<br> And I know I did damage<br> 'Cause the look in your eyes is killing me<br> I guess you knew of that advantage<br> 'Cause you could blame me for everything<br> And I don't know how I'ma manage<br> If one day, you just up and leave. ** ''[[w:Runaway (Kanye West song)|Runaway]]'' * Have you lost your mind?<br> Tell me when you think we crossed the line<br> No more drugs for me, pussy and religion is all I need<br> Grab my hand and baby, we'll live a hell of a lie<p> I think I fell in love with a pornstar<br> And got married in the bathroom<br> Honeymoon on the dance floor<br> And got divorced by the end of the night<br> That's one hell of a life. ** ''[[w:Hell of a Life (song)|Hell of a Life]]'' * On the bathroom wall I wrote<br> "I'd rather argue with you than to be with someone else"<br> I took a piss and dismiss it like "fuck it"<br> And I went and found somebody else<br> Fuck arguing and harvesting the feelings<br> Yo, I'd rather be by my fuckin' self<br> 'Til about 2 a.m. and I call back<br> And I hang up and I start to blame myself<br> Somebody help<p> You weren't perfect, but you made life worth it<br> Stick around, some real feelings might surface. ** ''[[w:Blame Game|Blame Game]]'' * You're my devil, you're my angel<br> You're my heaven, you're my hell<br> You're my now, you're my forever<br> You're my freedom, you're my jail<br> You're my lies, you're my truth<br> You're my war, you're my truce<br> You're my questions, you're my proof<br> You're my stress and you're my masseuse<p> Run from the lights, run from the night, run for your life. ** ''[[w:Lost in the World|Lost in the World]]'' === ''[[w:Yeezus|Yeezus]]'' (2013) === * Pardon, I'm getting my scream on<br> Enter the kingdom<br> But watch who you bring home<br> They see a black man with a white woman<br> At the top floor they gon' come to kill King Kong<br> Middle America packed in<br> Came to see me in my black skin<br> Number one question they're asking<br> Fuck every question you asking<br> If I don't get ran out by Catholics<br> Here come some conservative Baptists<br> Claiming I'm overreacting. ** ''[[w:Black Skinhead|Black Skinhead]] * Soon as they like you make 'em unlike you<br> Cause kissing people's ass is so unlike you. ** ''[[w:I Am a God|I Am a God]]'' * My mama was raised in the era when<br> Clean water was only served to the fairer skin<br> Doing clothes, you would've thought I had help<br> But they wasn't satisfied unless I picked the cotton myself.<p> So go and grab the reporters<br> So I can smash their recorders<br> See, they'll confuse us with some bullshit<br> Like the New World Order<br> Meanwhile the DEA<br> Teamed up with the CCA<br> They tryna lock niggas up<br> They tryna make new slaves<br> See, that's that privately owned prison<br> Get your peace today<br> They prolly all in the Hamptons<br> Bragging 'bout what they made. ** ''[[w:New Slaves|New Slaves]]'' * "Baby girl, he's a loner, baby girl, he's a loner"<br> Late-night organ donor, after that, he'll disown ya<br> After that he's just hopeless, soul mates become soulless<br> "When it's over it's over," and bitch, I'm back out my coma ** ''[[w:Hold My Liquor|Hold My Liquor]]'' * Time to take it too far now<br> Michael Douglas out the car now.<br> Got the kids-and-the-wife life<br> But can't wake up from the nightlife<br> I'm so scared of my demons<br> I go to sleep with a nightlight<br> My mind move like a Tron bike<br> Pop a wheelie on the Zeitgeist. ** ''[[w:I'm In It|I'm In It]]'' * Before the limelight stole ya<br> Remember we were so young<br> When I would hold you<br> Before the blood on the leaves<br> I know there ain't nothin' wrong with me<br> Something strange is happening<br> We could've been somebody<p> Before they call lawyers<br> Before you tried to destroy us<br> How you gon' lie to the lawyer?<br> It's like I don't even know ya<br> I gotta bring it back to the 'nolia<p> All in on that alimony, uh<br> Yeah, yeah, she got you, homie, yeah<br> 'Til death, but do your part<br> Unholy matrimony. ** ''[[w:Blood on the Leaves|Blood on the Leaves]]'' * I know I got a bad reputation<br> 'Walk around, always mad' reputation<br> 'Leave a pretty girl sad' reputation<br> Start a Fight Club, Brad reputation<p> Close your eyes and let the word paint a thousand pictures<br> One good girl is worth a thousand bitches<br> Bound. ** ''[[w:Bound 2|Bound 2]]'' === ''[[w:The Life of Pablo|The Life of Pablo]]'' (2016) === * We on an ultralight beam<br> This is a God dream<br> This is everything<p> Deliver us serenity<br> Deliver us peace<br> Deliver us loving<br> We know we need it<br> That's why we need You now<br> Pray for Paris,<br> Pray for the parents. ** ''[[w:Ultralight Beam|Ultralight Beam]]'' * Up in the morning, miss you bad<br> Sorry I ain't call you back, same problem my father had<br> All this time, all he had<br> And what he dreamed, all his cash<br> Market crashed, hurt him bad<br> People get divorced for that<br> Dropped some stacks, pops is good<br> Mama passed in Hollywood<br> If you ask, lost my soul<br> Drivin' fast, lost control<br> Off the road, jaw was broke<br> 'Member we all was broke? ** ''[[w:Father Stretch My Hands|Father Stretch My Hands, Pt. 2]]'' * Seem like the more fame, I only got wilder<br> Hands up, we just doing what the cops taught us<br> I've been outta my mind a long time<br> I've been outta my mind a long time<br> I be saying how I feel at the wrong time<br> Might not come when you want but I'm on time.<p> Name one genius that ain't crazy. ** ''[[w:Feedback (Kanye West song)|Feedback]]'' * See, before I let you go<br> One last thing I need to let you know<br> You ain't never seen nothing crazier than<br> This nigga when he off his Lexapro<br> Remember that last time in Mexico?<br> Remember that last time, the episode? ** ''[[w:FML (song)|FML]]'' * Who your real friends? We all came from the bottom<br> I'm always blaming you, but what's sad, you not the problem<p> Real friends<br> I guess I get what I deserve, don't I?<br> Word on the streets is they ain't heard from him<br> I guess I get what I deserve, don't I?<br> Talked down on my name, throwed dirt on him. ** ''[[w:Real Friends (Kanye West song)|Real Friends]]'' * You tried to play nice, everybody just took advantage<br> You left your fridge open, somebody just took a sandwich. ** ''[[w:Wolves (Kanye West song)|Wolves]]'' * Any rumor you ever heard about me was true and legendary<br> I done got Lewinskys and paid secretaries<br> For all my niggas with babies by bitches<br> That use they kids as meal tickets<br> Not knowin' the disconnect from the father<br> The next generation will be the real victims<p> Had my life threatened by best friends with selfish intents<br> What I'm supposed to do?<br> Ride around with a bulletproof car and some tints? ** ''[[w:No More Parties in LA|No More Parties in LA]]'' * My wife said, I can't say no to nobody<br> And at this rate, we gon' both die broke<br> Got friends that ask me for money knowing I'm in debt<br> And like my wife said, I still didn't say no<br> People trying to say I'm going crazy on Twitter<br> My friends' best advice was to stay low<br> I guess it's hard to decipher all of the bills<br> Especially when you got family members on payroll<br> The media said it was outlandish spending<br> The media said he's way out of control<p> I can see a thousand years from now in real life<br> Skate on the paradigm and shift it when I feel like<br> Troll conventional thought, don't need to question<br> I know it's antiquated so sometimes I get aggressive<br> Thank God for Jay Electra, he down with the mission<br> Did it with no permission, on our own conditions<br> Most blacks with money have been beaten to submission<br> Yeezy with the big house, did it way different<br> Never listen to Hollywood producers<br> Don't stare at money too long, it's Medusa<br> The ultimate Gemini has survived<br> I wasn't supposed to make it past 25. ** ''[[w:Saint Pablo|Saint Pablo]]'' * Most black men couldn't balance a checkbook<br> But buy a new car, talking 'bout, 'How my neck look?'<br> Well, it all looks great<br> Four hundred years later, we buyin' our own chains<br> The light is before us brothers, so the devil workin' hard<br> Real family stick together and see through the mirage<br> The smokescreens, perceptions of false reality<p> I've been woken from enlightened man's dream<br> Checkin' Instagram comments to crowdsource my self-esteem<br> Let me not say too much or do too much<br> 'Cause if I'm up way too much, I'm out of touch<br> I'm prayin' a out-of-body experience will happen<br> So the people can see my light, now it's not just rappin'<br> God, I have humbled myself before the court<br> Drop my ego when confidence was my last resort. ** ''[[w:Saint Pablo|Saint Pablo]]'' === ''[[w:Ye (album)|Ye]]'' (2018) === * My wife calling, screaming, say we 'bout to lose it all<br> Had to calm her down 'cause she couldn't breathe<br> Told her she could leave me now, but she wouldn't leave<p> Oh, don't bring that up, that's gon' get me sentimental<br> You know I'm sensitive, I got a gentle mental<br> Every time somethin' happen they want me sent to mental<br> We had an incident, but I cover incidentals<br> You want me workin' on my messagin'<br> When I'm thinkin' like George Jetson<br> But soundin' like George Jefferson<br> Then they questionin' my methods then<p> Plus, what was meant to be was meant to be<br> Even if, publicly, I lack the empathy<br> I ain't finna talk about it 'nother four centuries. ** ''[[w:Wouldn't Leave|Wouldn't Leave]]'' * Sometimes I take all the shine<br> Talk like I drank all the wine<br> Years ahead but way behind<br> I'm on one, two, three, four, five<br> No half-truths, just naked minds<br> Caught between space and time<br> This not what they had in mind<br> But maybe someday... ** ''[[w: Ghost Town (Kanye West song)|Ghost Town]]'' * Niggas is savage, niggas is monsters<br> Niggas is pimps, niggas is players<br> 'Til niggas have daughters, now they precautious<br> Father, forgive me, I'm scared of the karma<br> 'Cause now I see women as somethin' to nurture<br> Not somethin' to conquer<p> Now she cuttin' class and hangin' with friends<br> You break a glass and say it again<br> She can't comprehend the danger she in<br> If you whoop her ass, she move in with him<br> Then he whoop her ass, you go through it again<br> But how you the devil rebukin' the sin? ** ''[[w: Violent Crimes (song)|Violent Crimes]]'' === ''[[w:Jesus Is King|Jesus Is King]]'' (2019) === * If you woke, then wake up<br> With Judas, kiss and make up<br> Even with the bitter cup<br> Forgave my brothers and drank up<p> Everything old shall now become new<br> The leaves’ll be green, bearing the fruit<br> Love God and our neighbor, as written in Luke<br> The army of God, and we are the truth. ** ''[[w:Selah (song)|Selah]]'' * Lifelike, this is what your life like, try to live your life right<br> People really know you, push your buttons like typewrite<br> This is like a movie, but it's really very lifelike<br> Every single night, right, every single fight, right?<br> I was looking at the 'Gram and I don't even like likes<br> I was screaming at my dad, he told me, 'It ain't Christ-like'<p> But nobody never tell you when you're being like Christ. ** ''[[w:Follow God|Follow God]]'' * Nothing worse than a hypocrite<br> Change, he ain't really different<br> He ain't even try to get permission<br> Ask for advice and they dissed him<br> Said I'm finna do a gospel album<br> What have you been hearing from the Christians?<br> They'll be the first one to judge me<br> Make it feel like nobody love me. ** ''[[w:Hands On (song)|Hands On]]'' === ''[[w:Donda|Donda]]'' (2021) === * First, it go viral, then they get digital<br> Then they get critical, no, I'm not doin' no interview<br> Mask on my face, you can't see what I'm finna do<br> Had to move away from people that's miserable<p> And this money could never neglect me<br> I pray that my family, they never resent me<br> And she fell in love with me soon as she met me. ** ''[[w:Off the Grid (song)|Off the Grid]]'' * Genius gone clueless, it's a whole lot to risk<br> Alcohol anonymous, who's the busiest loser?<br> Heated by the rumors, read into it too much<br> Fiendin' for some true love, asked Kim, 'What do you love?'<Br> Hard to find what the truth is, but the truth was that the truth suck<br> Always seem to do stuff, but this time it was too much. ** ''[[w:Hurricane (Kanye West song)|Hurricane]]'' * I don't want my mind alerting<br> People sayin' tweeting gonna make you die early<br> How 'bout have my heart hurting?<br> Hold it all inside, that could make you die early<p> I be going through things I had to wrote<br> Celebrity drama that only Brad'll know<br> Too many family secrets, somebody passing notes<br> Things I cried about, I find laughable. ** ''[[w:Believe What I Say|Believe What I Say]]'' * Sittin' by myself, I'm just thinking<br> About all I've been through, I wish I was dreaming<br> Man, it's hard to be an angel when you surrounded by demons<br> I watched so many people leave<br> I see 'em change by the season, that's mama's sеasoning<br> God got you, the devil's watching, he just peeking in<br> I know I madе a promise that I'd never let the reaper in<br> But lately, I've been losin' all my deepest friends<br> And lately, I've been swimmin' on the deepest end<br> It's just drugs, it ain't no hugs, it ain't no love there<br> You been down so much you don't even know what's upstairs<br> Suicidal thoughts got you wonderin' what's up there<p> And if I talk to Christ, can I bring my mother back to life?<br> And if I die tonight, will I see her in the afterlife?<br> But back to reality, where everything's a tragedy. ** ''Jesus Lord'' * Startin' to feel like you ain't been happy for me lately, darling<br> Remember when you used to come around and serenade me<br> But I guess it's gone different, in a different direction, lately<br> Trying to do the right thing with the freedom that you gave me<p> Wrap your arms around with your mercy<br> I give up on doing things my way. ** ''Lord I Need You'' * Here go all your problems again<br> Three, two, one, you're pinned<p> Don't you wish the night would go numb?<br> I've been feelin' low for so long<br> I ain't had a high in so long<br> I been in the dark for so long<br> Night is always darkest 'fore the dawn<br> Gotta make my mark 'fore I'm gone<br> I don't wanna die alone<p> Sadness settin' in again<br> Three, two, one, you're pinned<br> Took your thoughts and penciled 'em in<br> Should've wrote 'em down in pen<br> And maybe they'd come to life. ** ''[[w:Come to Life (Kanye West song)|Come to Life]]'' * Mama, your son in the red hat<br> Had suffered set-backs, had 'shouldn't-have-said-thats'<br> Had made everyone mad<p> Give 'em enough of they own rope to hang 'em with<br> The paparazzi never really got what my angle is<br> They treat my married life like some type of entanglement. ** ''[[w:Life of the Party (Kanye West and André 3000 song)|Life of the Party]]'' * You know why my spirit's callin'<br> Darkness can't take light from me<br> Haven't you gone far enough?<br> Sacrificed the ones you love<br> Gave up on your sanity<br> Like some twisted fantasy<br> What would I say to everything?<br> Your actions cost everything. ** ''Never Abandon Your Family'' == Quotes == * If you have the opportunity to play this game called life, you need to appreciate every moment. A lot of people don't appreciate their moment until it's passed.<br> I know everybody asked me the question, they wanted to know, 'What, Kan, I know he's gonna wild out, I know he's gonna do something crazy.' Everybody wanted to know what I would do, if I didn't win... I guess we'll never know! ** 2005 Grammy acceptance speech [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2-bjGkcaJI] (13 Feb 2005) * I hate the way they portray us in the media. You see a black family, it says, 'They're looting.' You see a white family, it says, 'They're looking for food.'<p> George Bush doesn't care about black people. ** Live on NBC’s ''A Concert for Hurricane Relief'' (2 September 2005) * I am Warhol. I am the number 1 most impactful artist of our generation. I am Shakespeare in the flesh. Walt Disney. Nike. Google. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S78tT_YxF_c&t=16m59s]<p> The music and the clothing are just as important. That's what makes you hip hop. You show people that you're hip hop by what you wear. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S78tT_YxF_c]<p> You ain't got the answers Sway! [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S78tT_YxF_c&t=17m20s] [In response to Calloway suggesting he start a clothing company on his own] ** 2013 radio interview with [[w:Sway Calloway|Sway Calloway]] on ''Sway in the Morning'' (26 Nov 2013) * I hate when I'm on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle ** Tweet (16 Oct 2011) [http://twitter.com/#!/kanyewest/status/27590685489] * Yo, Taylor, I'm really happy for you, I'ma let you finish, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time! One of the best videos of all time! ** 2009 MTV Video Music Awards (13 September 2009) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUHQpCM7yyY] === ''Thank You and You're Welcome'' (2009)=== * Know your worth! People always act like they're doing more for you than you're doing for them. Ask yourself this question, "Why would they do that?" Obviously, you bring something to the table for them to even do business with you. ** p.3-4 * Life is 5% what happens and 95% how you react! ** p.13-14 * Would you believe in what you believe in if you were the only one who believed it? ** p.19 * I refuse to accept other people's ideas of happiness for me. As if there's a "one size fits all" standard for happiness ** p.22 ==Quotes about West== ===Music industry=== *'''[[w:John Mayer|John Mayer]]''': ** "With Kanye, the arrogant thing always comes up, but think about what that does for your ability to make art. He doesn't even question himself as to whether he can do it or not. He does it fast and good, and he doesn't stop on the side of the road to wonder if he can do it." [http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1500966/20050428/story.jhtml 28 April 2005] ** "The one thing I fear for [West] the most is if you keep talking about being the greatest, people eventually are going to want to watch you fail. Those who crash and burn are far more interesting to watch than those who actually succeed." [http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1500966/20050428/story.jhtml 28 April 2005] ===Political figures=== *'''[[w:Barack Obama|Barack Obama]]''': ** "I’ve met with Kanye [...] The thing about hip-hop today is it’s smart, it’s insightful, and the way that [West] can communicate a complex message in a very short space is remarkable." [https://www.theguardian.com/music/2008/jan/10/urban 10 Jan 2008] ** "He's a jackass." [http://web.archive.org/web/20090922232941/news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090915/ap_on_en_tv/us_tv_obama_tweet 15 Sept 2009] [commenting privately on West after West's interruption of Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards] ** "I like Kanye, He’s a Chicago guy. Smart. He’s very talented. He ''is'' a jackass, but he's talented." [https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/05/american-mozart/308931/ May 2012] [https://muzlyrics.net/artist/k/kanye-west.html All lyrics by Kanye West]== External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:West, Kanye}} [[Category:Musicians from the United States]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Rappers from the United States]] [[Category:Hip hop music]] [[Category:Record producers from the United States]] [[Category:Businesspeople from the United States]] [[Category:Fashion designers from the United States]] [[Category:Film directors from the United States]] [[Category:Philanthropists from the United States]] [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:1977 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Atlanta]] f3a8abit996t1fnpj7gbx7khoqtuhz3 3158001 3158000 2022-08-25T23:20:51Z 2001:8F8:1B2F:AB8A:18F7:1861:80E:5773 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Autor | Nome = Kanye West | Photo = Kanye West at the 2009 Tribeca Film Festival-2 (cropped).jpg | Wikisource = | Wikipedia = Kanye West | Wikicommons = Category:Kanye West }} '''[[w:Kanye West|Kanye Omari West]]''' (born [[June 8]], [[1977]]) is an American rapper, singer, songwriter, record producer, fashion designer, and entrepreneur based in Chicago, Illinois. He is widely regarded as one of the greatest and most influential musicians of all time, as well as one of the greatest musicians of his generation. One of the [[w:List of best-selling music artists|world's best-selling music artists]], with over 160 million records sold, West has won 24 [[w:Grammy Awards|Grammy Awards]], the [[w:Grammy Award records#Most Grammys won|joint tenth-most of all time]], and the joint-most Grammy awards of any rapper along with [[Jay-Z]]. He is frequently lauded as one of [[w:Hip hop music|hip hop]]'s greatest artists, with his music among the most acclaimed. Six of West's albums were included on ''[[w:Rolling Stone|Rolling Stone]]''{{'}}s 2020 [[w:Rolling Stone's 500 Greatest Albums of All Time|500 Greatest Albums of All Time]] list with the same publication naming him one of the [[w:Rolling Stone's 100 Greatest Songwriters of All Time|100 Greatest Songwriters of All Time]]. He holds the joint record (with [[Bob Dylan]]) for most albums (4) topping the annual [[w:Pazz & Jop|Pazz & Jop]] critic poll, and has the 5th most appearances on the [[w:Billboard Hot 100|''Billboard'' Hot 100]] (133 entries). ''[[w:Time (magazine)|Time]]'' magazine named him one of the [[w:Time 100|100 most influential people in the world]] in 2005 and 2015. [https://muzlyrics.net/artist/k/kanye-west.html All lyrics by Kanye West in MUZLYRICS]==Lyrics== <small>All songs produced by Kanye West, except as noted.</small> === ''[[w:The College Dropout|The College Dropout]]'' (2004)=== * Man, I promise, she's so self conscious<br> She has no idea what she doin' in college<br> That major that she majored in don't make no money<br> But she won't drop out, her parents will look at her funny.<br> Now, tell me that ain't insecurr,<br> The concept of school seemed so securr.<br> Sophomore, three yurrs, ain't picked a carurr. ** ''[[w:All Falls Down|All Falls Down]]'' * It seems, we living the American dream<br> But people highest up got the lowest self esteem.<br> The prettiest people do the ugliest things<br> For the road to riches and diamond rings. ** ''[[w:All Falls Down|All Falls Down]]'' * We'll buy a lot of clothes, but we don't really need 'em<br> Things we buy to cover up what's inside<br> 'Cause they made us hate ourself and love their wealth. ** ''[[w:All Falls Down|All Falls Down]]'' * God show me the way, because the Devil's trying to break me down<br> The only thing that I pray is that my feet don't fail me now<br> And I don't think there's nothing I can do now to right my wrongs<br> I wanna talk to God, but I'm afraid 'cause we ain't spoke in so long. ** ''[[w:Jesus Walks|Jesus Walks]]'' * To the hustlers, killers, murderers, drug dealers, even the strippers<br> (Jesus walks with them)<br> To the victims of welfare for we livin' in hell here, hell yeah<br> (Jesus walks with them)<br> Now, hear ye, hear ye, want to see Thee more clearly<br> I know He hear me when my feet get weary<br> 'Cause we're the almost nearly extinct<br> We rappers is role models: we rap, we don't think<br> I ain't here to argue about his facial features<br> Or here to convert atheists into believers<br> I'm just trying to say the way school needs teachers,<br> The way Kathie Lee needed Regis, that's the way I need Jesus<br> So here go my single, radio needs this<br> They say you can rap about anything except for Jesus<br> That means guns, sex, lies, videotape<br> But if I talk about God, my record won't get played, huh? ** ''[[w:Jesus Walks|Jesus Walks]]'' * I get down for my grandfather who took my mama<br> Made her sit in that seat where white folks ain't want us to eat<br> At the tender age of six, she was arrested for the sit-ins<br> And with that in my blood, I was born to be different<br> Now niggas can't make it to ballots to choose leadership<br>But we can make it to Jacob's or to the dealership<br>That's why I hear new music and I just don't be feeling it<br>Racism's still alive, they just be concealin' it. ** ''[[w:Never Let Me Down (Kanye West song)|Never Let Me Down]]'' * My flow is in the pocket like Wallace, I got the bounce like hydraulics,<br> I can't call it, I got the swerve like alcoholics.<br> My freshman year, I was going through hella problems<br> 'Til I built up the nerve to drop my ass up out of college. ** ''Get Em High'' * Always said if I rapped, I'd say somethin' significant<br> But now I'm rapping 'bout money, hoes, and rims again. ** ''Breathe In Breathe Out'' * Told 'em I finished school, and I started my own business.<br>They say, 'Oh you graduated?' No, I decided I was finished. ** ''School Spirit'' * Two words, Chi-town raised me crazy,<br> So I live by two words: 'Fuck you, pay me'<br> Screaming, 'Jesus, save me'<br> You know how the game be, I can't let 'em change me<br> 'Cause on judgment day, you gon' blame me<br> Look, God, it's the same me<br> And I basically know now, we get racially profiled<br> 'Cuffed up and hosed down, pimped up and ho'd down<br> Plus, I got a whole city to hold down<br> From the bottom, so the top's the only place to go now. ** ''[[w:Two Words|Two Words]]'' * How do you console my mom or give her light support<br> Tellin' her her son's on life support?<br> And just imagine how my girl feel,<br> On the plane scared as hell that her guy look like Emmett Till. ** ''[[w:Through the Wire|Through the Wire]]'' * And I still won't grow up, I'm a grown-ass kid<br> Swear I should be locked up for stupid shit that I did<br> But I'm a champion, so I turned tragedy to triumph<br> Make music that's fire, spit my soul through the wire. ** ''[[w:Through the Wire|Through the Wire]]'' * Now that you're gone, it hit us<br>Super hard on Thankgiving and Christmas, this can't be right.<br> Yo, you heard the track I did man, 'This Can't Be Life'.<br> Somebody please say grace so I can save face<br> And have a reason to cover my face. ** ''Family Business'' * I woke up early this morning with a new state of mind,<br> A creative way to rhyme without usin' knives and guns.<br> Keep your nose out the sky, keep your heart to God,<br> And keep your face to the rising sun.<p> I feel like one day you'll understand me, dawg<br> You can still love your man and be manly, dawg ** ''Family Business'' * Now I could let these dream killers kill my self esteem,<br> Or use my arrogance as the steam to power my dreams<br> I use it as my gas, so they say that I'm gassed<br> But without it I'd be last, so I ought to laugh. ** ''Last Call'' * Ain't nobody expect Kanye to end up on top<br> They expected that College Dropout to drop and then flop. ** ''Last Call'' * I'm Kan, the Louis Vouitton don<br> Bought my mom purse, now she Louis Vuitton mom<br> I didn't play the hand I was dealt I changed my cards<br> I prayed to the skies and I changed my stars<br> I went to the malls and I balled too hard<br> 'Oh My God, is that a Black card?'<br> I turned around and replied 'Why yes,<br> but I prefer the term African American Express.'<p> Brains, power, and muscle like Dame, Puffy, and Russell<br> Your boy back on his hustle, you know what I've been up to<br> Killing y'all niggas on that lyrical shit<br> Mayonnaise-colored Benz, I push Miracle Whips. ** ''Last Call'' === ''[[w:Late Registration|Late Registration]]'' (2005)=== * And I heard 'em say<br> Nothing's ever promised tomorrow or today<br> From the Chi, like Tim, it's a harder way<br> So this is in the name of love like Robert say<br> Before you ask me to go get a job today,<br> Can I at least get a raise on the minimum wage? ** ''[[w: Heard 'Em Say|Heard 'Em Say]]'' * They say people in your life are seasons<br> And anything that happens is for a reason<p> The devil is alive, I feel him breathin'<br> Claiming money is the key, so keep on dreamin'<br> And put them lottery tickets just to tease us ** ''[[w: Heard 'Em Say|Heard 'Em Say]]'' * Jay's favorite line: 'Dawg, in due time!'<br>Now he look at me, like, 'Damn, dawg! You where I am!'<br> A hip hop legend<br> I think I died in that accident, 'cause this must be heaven. ** ''[[w:Touch the Sky (Kanye West song)|Touch the Sky]]'' * I'm tryin' to right my wrongs<br> But it's funny, them same wrongs helped me write this song. ** ''[[w:Touch the Sky (Kanye West song)|Touch the Sky]]'' * How we stop the Black Panthers?<br> Ronald Reagan cooked up an answer. <p> Who gave Saddam anthrax?<br> George Bush got the answers. ** ''Crack Music'' * I know it's past visiting hours,<br> But can I please give her these flowers?<p> You know the best medicine go to people that's paid.<br> If Magic Johnson got a cure for AIDS<br> And all the broke motherfuckers passed away,<br> You telling me if my grandma was in the NBA,<br> Right now, she'd be okay?<br>But since she was just a secretary<br> Working for the church for thirty-five years,<br> Things supposed to stop right here? ** ''Roses'' * Why everything that's supposed to be bad make me feel so good?<br> Everything they told me not to is exactly what I would.<br> Man, I tried to stop, man, I tried the best I could, but<br> You make me smile. ** ''Addiction'' * Little was known of Sierra Leone<br> And how it connect to the diamonds we own<p> Though it's thousands of miles away<br> Sierra Leone connect to what we go through today<br> Over here, it's a drug trade, we die from drugs<br> Over there, they die from what we buy from drugs. ** ''[[w:Diamonds From Sierra Leone|Diamonds From Sierra Leone (Remix)]]'' * I wanna tell the whole world about a friend of mine<br> This little light of mine and I'm finna let it shine<br> I'm finna take y'all back to them better times<br> I'm finna talk about my mama if y'all don't mind<br> I was three years old when you and I moved to the Chi<br> Late December, harsh winter gave me a cold<br> You fixed me up something that was good for my soul<br> Famous homemade chicken soup, can I have another bowl?<br> You work late nights just to keep on the lights<br> Mommy got me training wheels so I could keep on my bike<br> And you would give anything in this world<br> Michael Jackson leather and a glove, but didn't give me a curl<br> And you never put no man over me<br> And I love you for that, mommy, can't you see?<br> Seven years old, caught you with tears in your eyes<br> 'Cause a nigga cheatin', telling you lies, then I started to cry<br> As we knelt on the kitchen floor<br> I said mommy I'ma love you 'til you don't hurt no more<br> And when I'm older, you ain't gotta work no more<br> And I'ma get you that mansion that we couldn't afford. ** ''[[w:Hey Mama (Kanye West song)|Hey Mama]]'' * Forrest Gump mama said, 'Life is like a box of chocolates'<br> My mama told me go to school, get your doctorate<br> Somethin to fall back on, you could profit with<br> But still supported me when I did the opposite<br> Now I feel like there's things I gotta get,<br> things I gotta do, just to prove to you<br> You was getting through, can the choir, please<br> Give me a verse of 'You Are So Beautiful To Me'<br> Can't you see, you're like a book of poetry<br> Maya Angelou, Nikki Giovanni, turn one page and there's my mommy. ** ''[[w:Hey Mama (Kanye West song)|Hey Mama]]'' * I was sick about awards, couldn't nobody cure me<br> Only playa that got robbed but kept all his jewelry<br> Alicia Keys tried to talk some sense in him<br> Thirty minutes later seein' there's no convincin' him<br> What more could you ask for? The international asshole<br> Who complain about what he is owed?<br> And throw a tantrum like he is three years old<br> You gotta love it though: somebody still speaks from his soul<br> And wouldn't change by the change or the game or the fame<br> When he came in the game, he made his own lane<br> Now all I need is y'all to pronounce my name<br> It's Kanye, but some of my plaques, they still say 'Kayne'. ** ''[[w:Diamonds From Sierra Leone|Diamonds from Sierra Leone]]'' === ''[[W:Graduation (album)|Graduation]]'' (2007) === * Good morning and look at the valedictorian<br> Scared of the future while I hop in the DeLorean<br> Scared to face the world, complacent career student<br> Some people graduate, but be still stupid ** ''[[w:Good Morning (Kanye West song)|Good Morning]]'' * When it feel like living's harder than dyin'<br> For me givin' up's way harder than tryin'<br> Lauryn Hill said her heart was in Zion<br> I wish her heart still was in rhymin'<br> 'Cause who the kids gon' listen to, huh?<br> I guess me if it isn't you<br> Last week I paid a visit to the institute<br> They got the dropout keepin' kids in the school. ** ''Champion'' * And I'm back on my grind<br> A psychic read my lifeline, told me in my lifetime<br> My name would help light up the Chicago skyline<br> And that's why I'm<Br> Seven o'clock, that's primetime<br> Heaven'll watch, God calling from the hotlines<br> Why he keep giving me hot lines?<br> I'm a star, how could I not shine? ** ''[[w:I Wonder (Kanye West song)|I Wonder]]'' * I had a dream I could buy my way to heaven<br> When I awoke, I spent that on a necklace<br> I told God I'd be back in a second<br> Man, it's so hard not to act reckless<br> To whom much is given, much is tested<br> Get arrested, guess until he get the message<br> I feel the pressure, under more scrutiny<br> And what I do? Act more stupidly<br> Bought more jewelry, more Louis V<br> My mama couldn't get through to me<br> The drama, people suing me<br> I'm on TV talking like it's just you and me<br> I'm just saying how I feel, man<br> I ain't one of the Cosbys, I ain't go to Hillman<br> I guess the money should've changed him<br> I guess I should've forgot where I came from. ** ''[[w:Can't Tell Me Nothing|Can't Tell Me Nothing]]'' * She don't believe in shooting stars<br> But she believe in shoes and cars<p> Order the hors d'oeuvres, views of the water<br> Straight from a page of your favorite author<br> And the weather's so breezy<br> Man, why can't life always be this easy? ** ''[[w:Flashing Lights (Kanye West song)|Flashing Lights]]'' * In my past, you on the other side of the glass<br> Of my memory's museum<br> I'm just sayin', hey, Mona Lisa<br> Come home, you know you can't roam without Caesar. ** ''[[w:Flashing Lights (Kanye West song)|Flashing Lights]]'' * People talking shit, but when the shit hits the fan<br> Everything I'm not made me everything I am.<br> I know people wouldn't usually rap this<br> But I got the facts to back this<br> Just last year, Chicago had over six hundred caskets<br> Man, killing's some wack shit<br> Oh, I forgot, 'cept for when niggas is rappin'<br> Do you know what it feel like when people is passin'?<br> He got changed over his chains a block off Ashland<br> I need to talk to somebody, pastor<br> The church want tithe, so I can't afford to pay<br> Pink slip on my door, 'cause I can't afford to stay<br> My fifteen seconds up, but I got more to say--<br> 'That's enough Mr. West, please, no more today.' ** ''Everything I Am'' * I met this girl when I was three years old<br> And what I loved most, she had so much soul<br> She said, 'Excuse me, little homie, I know you don't know me<br> But my name is Windy and I like to blow trees.'<p> I told her in my heart is where she'll always be<br> She never messed with entertainers 'cause they always leave<br> She said, 'It felt like they walked and drove on me.'<br> Knew I was gang affiliated, got on TV and told on me<br> I guess that's why last winter she got so cold on me<br> She said, 'Ye, keep making that platinum and gold for me!' ** ''[[w:Homecoming (Kanye West song)|Homecoming]]'' * But if you really cared for her<br> Then you wouldn't have never hit the airport to follow your dreams<br> Sometimes I still talk to her<br> But when I talk to her, it always seems like she talking 'bout me<p> Every interview, I'm representin' you, makin' you proud<br> Reach for the stars, so if you fall, you land on a cloud<br> Jump in the crowd, spark your lighters, wave 'em around<br> If you don't know by now, I'm talking 'bout Chi-Town. ** ''[[w:Homecoming (Kanye West song)|Homecoming]]'' * My big brother was B.I.G.'s brother<br> So here's a few words from your kid brother<br> If you admire somebody you should go ahead tell 'em<br> People never get the flowers while they can still smell 'em. ** ''[[w:Big Brother (Kanye West song)|Big Brother]]'' === ''[[w:808s & Heartbreak|808s & Heartbreak]]'' (2008)=== * Last night I saw you in my dreams<br> Now I can't wait to go to sleep<br> And this life is all a dream<br> So my real life starts when I go to sleep. ** "Hey Mama", Live performance at the Grammys, 10 February 2008 [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gHisR4xmOk] * Why would she make calls out the blue?<br> Now I'm awake, sleepless in you. ** ''[[w:Say You Will (Kanye West song)|Say You Will]]'' * Chased the good life my whole life long<br> Look back on my life, and my life gone<br> Where did I go wrong?<p> And my head keeps spinning<br> Can't stop having these visions<br> I gotta get with it. ** ''[[w:Welcome to Heartbreak|Welcome to Heartbreak]]'' * How could you be so Dr. Evil?<br> You're bringin' out a side of me that I don't know<br> I decided we wasn't gon' speak so<br> Why we up 3 AM on the phone?<br> Why do she be so mad at me for?<br> Homie, I don't know, she's hot and cold<br> I won't stop, won't mess my groove up<br> 'Cause I already know how this thing go<br> You run and tell your friends that you're leaving me<br> They say that they don't see what you see in me<br> You wait a couple of months, then you gon' see<Br> You'll never find nobody better than me. ** ''[https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/kanye-west/heartless.html Heartless]'' * I'm a problem that'll never ever be solved<p> I'm a monster, I'm a maven<br> I know this world is changing<br> Never gave in, never gave up<br> I'm the only thing I'm afraid of<br> No matter what, you'll never take that from me<br> My reign is as far as your eyes can see, it's amazing. ** ''[[w:Amazing (Kanye West song)|Amazing]]'' * I'm not loving you, way I wanted to<br> I can't keep my cool, so I keep it true<br> I got something to lose, so I gotta move<br> I can't keep myself and still keep you too<p> No more wasting time, you can't wait for life<br> We're just racing time, where's the finish line? ** ''[[w:Love Lockdown|Love Lockdown]]'' * 'Bout the baddest girl I ever seen<br> Straight up out a movie scene<br> Who knew she was a drama queen<br> That'd turn my life to Stephen King's?<p> Just looking at your history<br> You're like the girl from Misery<br> She said she ain't take it to this degree<br> Well, let's agree to disagree<p> You spoiled little LA girl<br> You're just an LA girl, you need to stop it now. ** ''[[w:RoboCop (song)|RoboCop]]'' * Let me know<br> Do I still got time to grow?<br> Things ain't always set in stone<br> That be known, let me know<br> Seems like street lights, glowing, happen to be<br> Just like moments, passing, in front of me<br> So I hopped in the cab and I paid my fare<br> See, I know my destination, but I'm just not there<br> In the streets<br> I'm just not there<br> Life's just not fair. ** ''[[w:Street Lights (Kanye West song)|Street Lights]]'' * On lonely nights, I start to fade<br> Her love's a thousand miles away<p> It's 4 AM and I can't sleep<br> Her love is all that I can see<p> Memories made in the coldest winter<br> Goodbye, my friend, will I ever love again?<p> If spring can take the snow away<br> Can it melt away all our mistakes? ** ''[[w:Coldest Winter (song)|Coldest Winter]]'' === ''[[w:My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy|My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy]]'' (2010)=== * I fantasized 'bout this back in Chicago<br> Mercy, mercy me, that Murciélago<p> Beyond the truest<br> Hey, teacher, teacher, tell me how do you respond to students?<br> And refresh the page and restart the memory?<br> Re-spark the soul and rebuild the energy?<br> We stopped the ignorance, we killed the enemy<br> Sorry for the night demons that still visit me<br> The plan was to drink until the pain over<br> But what's worse, the pain or the hangover? ** ''[[w:Dark Fantasy (song)|Dark Fantasy]]'' * Penitentiary chances, the devil dances<br> And eventually answers to the call of autumn<br> All them fallin' for the love of ballin'<br> Got caught with thirty rocks, the cop look like Alec Baldwin<br> Inter-century anthems based off inner-city tantrums<br> Based off the way we was branded<br> Face it, Jerome get more time than Brandon<br> And at the airport, they check all through my bag<br> And tell me that it's random<p> Is hip-hop just a euphemism for a new religion?<br> The soul music of the slaves that the youth is missing<br> But this is more than just my road to redemption<br> Malcolm West had the whole nation standing at attention.<p> I was looking at my resume, feeling real fresh today<br> They rewrite history, I don't believe in yesterday<br> And what's a Black Beatle anyway, a fuckin' roach?<br> I guess that's why they got me sitting in fuckin' coach. ** ''[https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/kanye-west/gorgeous.html Gorgeous]'' * Screams from the haters, got a nice ring to it<br>I guess every superhero need his theme music.<p> No one man should have all that power<br> The clock’s ticking, I just count the hours<p> I embody every characteristic of the egotistic<br> He knows he's so fucking gifted<br> I just needed time alone with my own thoughts<br> Got treasures in my mind, but couldn't open up my own vault<br> My childlike creativity, purity, and honesty<br> Is honestly being crowded by these grown thoughts<br> Reality is catching up with me<br> Taking my inner child, I'm fighting for custody.<p> Lost in translation with a whole fuckin' nation<br> They say I was the abomination of Obama's nation<br> Well, that's a pretty bad way to start the conversation<p> Now this'll be a beautiful death<br> I'm jumping out the window, letting everything go. ** ''[[w:Power (Kanye West song)|Power]]'' * Restraining order, can't see my daughter<br> Her mother, brother, grandmother hate me in that order<br> Public visitation, we met at Borders<br> Told her she take me back, I'll be more supportive<br> I made mistakes, I bumped my head<br> Them courts sucked me dry, I spent that bread<br> She need her daddy, baby, please<br> Can't let her grow up in that ghetto university. ** ''[[w:All of the Lights|All of the Lights]]'' * I'm living in the future so the present is my past.<br>My presence is a present, kiss my ass. ** ''[[w:Monster (Kanye West song)|Monster]]'' * I'm so appalled, Spalding, ball<br> Balding Donald Trump taking dollars from y'all. ** ''[[w:So Appalled|So Appalled]]'' * Put your hands to the constellations<br> The way you look should be a sin, you're my sensation. ** ''[[w:Devil in a New Dress|Devil in a New Dress]]'' * May the Lord forgive us, may the gods be with us<br> In that magic hour, I seen good Christians<br> Make brash decisions, oh, she do it<br> What happened to religion? Oh, she lose it<br> She putting on her makeup, she casually allure<br> Text message break-ups, the casualty of tour<br> How she gon' wake up and not love me no more?<p> I hit the Jamaican spot, at the bar, take a seat<br> I ordered the jerk, she said you are what you eat<br> You see, I always loved that sense of humor<br> But tonight, you should have seen how quiet the room was. ** ''[[w:Devil in a New Dress|Devil in a New Dress]]'' * 'You love me for me', could you be more phony? ** ''[[w:Devil in a New Dress|Devil in a New Dress]]'' * And I always find, yeah, I always find something wrong<br> You been puttin' up with my shit just way too long<br> I'm so gifted at finding what I don't like the most<br> So I think it's time for us to have a toast<p> Let's have a toast for the douchebags<br> Let's have a toast for the assholes<br> Let's have a toast for the scumbags<br> Every one of them that I know<br> Let's have a toast for the jerk-offs<br> That'll never take work off<br> Baby, I got a plan,<br> Run away fast as you can. ** ''[[w:Runaway (Kanye West song)|Runaway]]'' * Never was much of a romantic<br> I could never take the intimacy<br> And I know I did damage<br> 'Cause the look in your eyes is killing me<br> I guess you knew of that advantage<br> 'Cause you could blame me for everything<br> And I don't know how I'ma manage<br> If one day, you just up and leave. ** ''[[w:Runaway (Kanye West song)|Runaway]]'' * Have you lost your mind?<br> Tell me when you think we crossed the line<br> No more drugs for me, pussy and religion is all I need<br> Grab my hand and baby, we'll live a hell of a lie<p> I think I fell in love with a pornstar<br> And got married in the bathroom<br> Honeymoon on the dance floor<br> And got divorced by the end of the night<br> That's one hell of a life. ** ''[[w:Hell of a Life (song)|Hell of a Life]]'' * On the bathroom wall I wrote<br> "I'd rather argue with you than to be with someone else"<br> I took a piss and dismiss it like "fuck it"<br> And I went and found somebody else<br> Fuck arguing and harvesting the feelings<br> Yo, I'd rather be by my fuckin' self<br> 'Til about 2 a.m. and I call back<br> And I hang up and I start to blame myself<br> Somebody help<p> You weren't perfect, but you made life worth it<br> Stick around, some real feelings might surface. ** ''[[w:Blame Game|Blame Game]]'' * You're my devil, you're my angel<br> You're my heaven, you're my hell<br> You're my now, you're my forever<br> You're my freedom, you're my jail<br> You're my lies, you're my truth<br> You're my war, you're my truce<br> You're my questions, you're my proof<br> You're my stress and you're my masseuse<p> Run from the lights, run from the night, run for your life. ** ''[[w:Lost in the World|Lost in the World]]'' === ''[[w:Yeezus|Yeezus]]'' (2013) === * Pardon, I'm getting my scream on<br> Enter the kingdom<br> But watch who you bring home<br> They see a black man with a white woman<br> At the top floor they gon' come to kill King Kong<br> Middle America packed in<br> Came to see me in my black skin<br> Number one question they're asking<br> Fuck every question you asking<br> If I don't get ran out by Catholics<br> Here come some conservative Baptists<br> Claiming I'm overreacting. ** ''[[w:Black Skinhead|Black Skinhead]] * Soon as they like you make 'em unlike you<br> Cause kissing people's ass is so unlike you. ** ''[[w:I Am a God|I Am a God]]'' * My mama was raised in the era when<br> Clean water was only served to the fairer skin<br> Doing clothes, you would've thought I had help<br> But they wasn't satisfied unless I picked the cotton myself.<p> So go and grab the reporters<br> So I can smash their recorders<br> See, they'll confuse us with some bullshit<br> Like the New World Order<br> Meanwhile the DEA<br> Teamed up with the CCA<br> They tryna lock niggas up<br> They tryna make new slaves<br> See, that's that privately owned prison<br> Get your peace today<br> They prolly all in the Hamptons<br> Bragging 'bout what they made. ** ''[[w:New Slaves|New Slaves]]'' * "Baby girl, he's a loner, baby girl, he's a loner"<br> Late-night organ donor, after that, he'll disown ya<br> After that he's just hopeless, soul mates become soulless<br> "When it's over it's over," and bitch, I'm back out my coma ** ''[[w:Hold My Liquor|Hold My Liquor]]'' * Time to take it too far now<br> Michael Douglas out the car now.<br> Got the kids-and-the-wife life<br> But can't wake up from the nightlife<br> I'm so scared of my demons<br> I go to sleep with a nightlight<br> My mind move like a Tron bike<br> Pop a wheelie on the Zeitgeist. ** ''[[w:I'm In It|I'm In It]]'' * Before the limelight stole ya<br> Remember we were so young<br> When I would hold you<br> Before the blood on the leaves<br> I know there ain't nothin' wrong with me<br> Something strange is happening<br> We could've been somebody<p> Before they call lawyers<br> Before you tried to destroy us<br> How you gon' lie to the lawyer?<br> It's like I don't even know ya<br> I gotta bring it back to the 'nolia<p> All in on that alimony, uh<br> Yeah, yeah, she got you, homie, yeah<br> 'Til death, but do your part<br> Unholy matrimony. ** ''[[w:Blood on the Leaves|Blood on the Leaves]]'' * I know I got a bad reputation<br> 'Walk around, always mad' reputation<br> 'Leave a pretty girl sad' reputation<br> Start a Fight Club, Brad reputation<p> Close your eyes and let the word paint a thousand pictures<br> One good girl is worth a thousand bitches<br> Bound. ** ''[[w:Bound 2|Bound 2]]'' === ''[[w:The Life of Pablo|The Life of Pablo]]'' (2016) === * We on an ultralight beam<br> This is a God dream<br> This is everything<p> Deliver us serenity<br> Deliver us peace<br> Deliver us loving<br> We know we need it<br> That's why we need You now<br> Pray for Paris,<br> Pray for the parents. ** ''[[w:Ultralight Beam|Ultralight Beam]]'' * Up in the morning, miss you bad<br> Sorry I ain't call you back, same problem my father had<br> All this time, all he had<br> And what he dreamed, all his cash<br> Market crashed, hurt him bad<br> People get divorced for that<br> Dropped some stacks, pops is good<br> Mama passed in Hollywood<br> If you ask, lost my soul<br> Drivin' fast, lost control<br> Off the road, jaw was broke<br> 'Member we all was broke? ** ''[[w:Father Stretch My Hands|Father Stretch My Hands, Pt. 2]]'' * Seem like the more fame, I only got wilder<br> Hands up, we just doing what the cops taught us<br> I've been outta my mind a long time<br> I've been outta my mind a long time<br> I be saying how I feel at the wrong time<br> Might not come when you want but I'm on time.<p> Name one genius that ain't crazy. ** ''[[w:Feedback (Kanye West song)|Feedback]]'' * See, before I let you go<br> One last thing I need to let you know<br> You ain't never seen nothing crazier than<br> This nigga when he off his Lexapro<br> Remember that last time in Mexico?<br> Remember that last time, the episode? ** ''[[w:FML (song)|FML]]'' * Who your real friends? We all came from the bottom<br> I'm always blaming you, but what's sad, you not the problem<p> Real friends<br> I guess I get what I deserve, don't I?<br> Word on the streets is they ain't heard from him<br> I guess I get what I deserve, don't I?<br> Talked down on my name, throwed dirt on him. ** ''[[w:Real Friends (Kanye West song)|Real Friends]]'' * You tried to play nice, everybody just took advantage<br> You left your fridge open, somebody just took a sandwich. ** ''[[w:Wolves (Kanye West song)|Wolves]]'' * Any rumor you ever heard about me was true and legendary<br> I done got Lewinskys and paid secretaries<br> For all my niggas with babies by bitches<br> That use they kids as meal tickets<br> Not knowin' the disconnect from the father<br> The next generation will be the real victims<p> Had my life threatened by best friends with selfish intents<br> What I'm supposed to do?<br> Ride around with a bulletproof car and some tints? ** ''[[w:No More Parties in LA|No More Parties in LA]]'' * My wife said, I can't say no to nobody<br> And at this rate, we gon' both die broke<br> Got friends that ask me for money knowing I'm in debt<br> And like my wife said, I still didn't say no<br> People trying to say I'm going crazy on Twitter<br> My friends' best advice was to stay low<br> I guess it's hard to decipher all of the bills<br> Especially when you got family members on payroll<br> The media said it was outlandish spending<br> The media said he's way out of control<p> I can see a thousand years from now in real life<br> Skate on the paradigm and shift it when I feel like<br> Troll conventional thought, don't need to question<br> I know it's antiquated so sometimes I get aggressive<br> Thank God for Jay Electra, he down with the mission<br> Did it with no permission, on our own conditions<br> Most blacks with money have been beaten to submission<br> Yeezy with the big house, did it way different<br> Never listen to Hollywood producers<br> Don't stare at money too long, it's Medusa<br> The ultimate Gemini has survived<br> I wasn't supposed to make it past 25. ** ''[[w:Saint Pablo|Saint Pablo]]'' * Most black men couldn't balance a checkbook<br> But buy a new car, talking 'bout, 'How my neck look?'<br> Well, it all looks great<br> Four hundred years later, we buyin' our own chains<br> The light is before us brothers, so the devil workin' hard<br> Real family stick together and see through the mirage<br> The smokescreens, perceptions of false reality<p> I've been woken from enlightened man's dream<br> Checkin' Instagram comments to crowdsource my self-esteem<br> Let me not say too much or do too much<br> 'Cause if I'm up way too much, I'm out of touch<br> I'm prayin' a out-of-body experience will happen<br> So the people can see my light, now it's not just rappin'<br> God, I have humbled myself before the court<br> Drop my ego when confidence was my last resort. ** ''[[w:Saint Pablo|Saint Pablo]]'' === ''[[w:Ye (album)|Ye]]'' (2018) === * My wife calling, screaming, say we 'bout to lose it all<br> Had to calm her down 'cause she couldn't breathe<br> Told her she could leave me now, but she wouldn't leave<p> Oh, don't bring that up, that's gon' get me sentimental<br> You know I'm sensitive, I got a gentle mental<br> Every time somethin' happen they want me sent to mental<br> We had an incident, but I cover incidentals<br> You want me workin' on my messagin'<br> When I'm thinkin' like George Jetson<br> But soundin' like George Jefferson<br> Then they questionin' my methods then<p> Plus, what was meant to be was meant to be<br> Even if, publicly, I lack the empathy<br> I ain't finna talk about it 'nother four centuries. ** ''[[w:Wouldn't Leave|Wouldn't Leave]]'' * Sometimes I take all the shine<br> Talk like I drank all the wine<br> Years ahead but way behind<br> I'm on one, two, three, four, five<br> No half-truths, just naked minds<br> Caught between space and time<br> This not what they had in mind<br> But maybe someday... ** ''[[w: Ghost Town (Kanye West song)|Ghost Town]]'' * Niggas is savage, niggas is monsters<br> Niggas is pimps, niggas is players<br> 'Til niggas have daughters, now they precautious<br> Father, forgive me, I'm scared of the karma<br> 'Cause now I see women as somethin' to nurture<br> Not somethin' to conquer<p> Now she cuttin' class and hangin' with friends<br> You break a glass and say it again<br> She can't comprehend the danger she in<br> If you whoop her ass, she move in with him<br> Then he whoop her ass, you go through it again<br> But how you the devil rebukin' the sin? ** ''[[w: Violent Crimes (song)|Violent Crimes]]'' === ''[[w:Jesus Is King|Jesus Is King]]'' (2019) === * If you woke, then wake up<br> With Judas, kiss and make up<br> Even with the bitter cup<br> Forgave my brothers and drank up<p> Everything old shall now become new<br> The leaves’ll be green, bearing the fruit<br> Love God and our neighbor, as written in Luke<br> The army of God, and we are the truth. ** ''[[w:Selah (song)|Selah]]'' * Lifelike, this is what your life like, try to live your life right<br> People really know you, push your buttons like typewrite<br> This is like a movie, but it's really very lifelike<br> Every single night, right, every single fight, right?<br> I was looking at the 'Gram and I don't even like likes<br> I was screaming at my dad, he told me, 'It ain't Christ-like'<p> But nobody never tell you when you're being like Christ. ** ''[[w:Follow God|Follow God]]'' * Nothing worse than a hypocrite<br> Change, he ain't really different<br> He ain't even try to get permission<br> Ask for advice and they dissed him<br> Said I'm finna do a gospel album<br> What have you been hearing from the Christians?<br> They'll be the first one to judge me<br> Make it feel like nobody love me. ** ''[[w:Hands On (song)|Hands On]]'' === ''[[w:Donda|Donda]]'' (2021) === * First, it go viral, then they get digital<br> Then they get critical, no, I'm not doin' no interview<br> Mask on my face, you can't see what I'm finna do<br> Had to move away from people that's miserable<p> And this money could never neglect me<br> I pray that my family, they never resent me<br> And she fell in love with me soon as she met me. ** ''[[w:Off the Grid (song)|Off the Grid]]'' * Genius gone clueless, it's a whole lot to risk<br> Alcohol anonymous, who's the busiest loser?<br> Heated by the rumors, read into it too much<br> Fiendin' for some true love, asked Kim, 'What do you love?'<Br> Hard to find what the truth is, but the truth was that the truth suck<br> Always seem to do stuff, but this time it was too much. ** ''[[w:Hurricane (Kanye West song)|Hurricane]]'' * I don't want my mind alerting<br> People sayin' tweeting gonna make you die early<br> How 'bout have my heart hurting?<br> Hold it all inside, that could make you die early<p> I be going through things I had to wrote<br> Celebrity drama that only Brad'll know<br> Too many family secrets, somebody passing notes<br> Things I cried about, I find laughable. ** ''[[w:Believe What I Say|Believe What I Say]]'' * Sittin' by myself, I'm just thinking<br> About all I've been through, I wish I was dreaming<br> Man, it's hard to be an angel when you surrounded by demons<br> I watched so many people leave<br> I see 'em change by the season, that's mama's sеasoning<br> God got you, the devil's watching, he just peeking in<br> I know I madе a promise that I'd never let the reaper in<br> But lately, I've been losin' all my deepest friends<br> And lately, I've been swimmin' on the deepest end<br> It's just drugs, it ain't no hugs, it ain't no love there<br> You been down so much you don't even know what's upstairs<br> Suicidal thoughts got you wonderin' what's up there<p> And if I talk to Christ, can I bring my mother back to life?<br> And if I die tonight, will I see her in the afterlife?<br> But back to reality, where everything's a tragedy. ** ''Jesus Lord'' * Startin' to feel like you ain't been happy for me lately, darling<br> Remember when you used to come around and serenade me<br> But I guess it's gone different, in a different direction, lately<br> Trying to do the right thing with the freedom that you gave me<p> Wrap your arms around with your mercy<br> I give up on doing things my way. ** ''Lord I Need You'' * Here go all your problems again<br> Three, two, one, you're pinned<p> Don't you wish the night would go numb?<br> I've been feelin' low for so long<br> I ain't had a high in so long<br> I been in the dark for so long<br> Night is always darkest 'fore the dawn<br> Gotta make my mark 'fore I'm gone<br> I don't wanna die alone<p> Sadness settin' in again<br> Three, two, one, you're pinned<br> Took your thoughts and penciled 'em in<br> Should've wrote 'em down in pen<br> And maybe they'd come to life. ** ''[[w:Come to Life (Kanye West song)|Come to Life]]'' * Mama, your son in the red hat<br> Had suffered set-backs, had 'shouldn't-have-said-thats'<br> Had made everyone mad<p> Give 'em enough of they own rope to hang 'em with<br> The paparazzi never really got what my angle is<br> They treat my married life like some type of entanglement. ** ''[[w:Life of the Party (Kanye West and André 3000 song)|Life of the Party]]'' * You know why my spirit's callin'<br> Darkness can't take light from me<br> Haven't you gone far enough?<br> Sacrificed the ones you love<br> Gave up on your sanity<br> Like some twisted fantasy<br> What would I say to everything?<br> Your actions cost everything. ** ''Never Abandon Your Family'' == Quotes == * If you have the opportunity to play this game called life, you need to appreciate every moment. A lot of people don't appreciate their moment until it's passed.<br> I know everybody asked me the question, they wanted to know, 'What, Kan, I know he's gonna wild out, I know he's gonna do something crazy.' Everybody wanted to know what I would do, if I didn't win... I guess we'll never know! ** 2005 Grammy acceptance speech [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2-bjGkcaJI] (13 Feb 2005) * I hate the way they portray us in the media. You see a black family, it says, 'They're looting.' You see a white family, it says, 'They're looking for food.'<p> George Bush doesn't care about black people. ** Live on NBC’s ''A Concert for Hurricane Relief'' (2 September 2005) * I am Warhol. I am the number 1 most impactful artist of our generation. I am Shakespeare in the flesh. Walt Disney. Nike. Google. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S78tT_YxF_c&t=16m59s]<p> The music and the clothing are just as important. That's what makes you hip hop. You show people that you're hip hop by what you wear. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S78tT_YxF_c]<p> You ain't got the answers Sway! [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S78tT_YxF_c&t=17m20s] [In response to Calloway suggesting he start a clothing company on his own] ** 2013 radio interview with [[w:Sway Calloway|Sway Calloway]] on ''Sway in the Morning'' (26 Nov 2013) * I hate when I'm on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle ** Tweet (16 Oct 2011) [http://twitter.com/#!/kanyewest/status/27590685489] * Yo, Taylor, I'm really happy for you, I'ma let you finish, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time! One of the best videos of all time! ** 2009 MTV Video Music Awards (13 September 2009) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUHQpCM7yyY] === ''Thank You and You're Welcome'' (2009)=== * Know your worth! People always act like they're doing more for you than you're doing for them. Ask yourself this question, "Why would they do that?" Obviously, you bring something to the table for them to even do business with you. ** p.3-4 * Life is 5% what happens and 95% how you react! ** p.13-14 * Would you believe in what you believe in if you were the only one who believed it? ** p.19 * I refuse to accept other people's ideas of happiness for me. As if there's a "one size fits all" standard for happiness ** p.22 ==Quotes about West== ===Music industry=== *'''[[w:John Mayer|John Mayer]]''': ** "With Kanye, the arrogant thing always comes up, but think about what that does for your ability to make art. He doesn't even question himself as to whether he can do it or not. He does it fast and good, and he doesn't stop on the side of the road to wonder if he can do it." [http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1500966/20050428/story.jhtml 28 April 2005] ** "The one thing I fear for [West] the most is if you keep talking about being the greatest, people eventually are going to want to watch you fail. Those who crash and burn are far more interesting to watch than those who actually succeed." [http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1500966/20050428/story.jhtml 28 April 2005] ===Political figures=== *'''[[w:Barack Obama|Barack Obama]]''': ** "I’ve met with Kanye [...] The thing about hip-hop today is it’s smart, it’s insightful, and the way that [West] can communicate a complex message in a very short space is remarkable." [https://www.theguardian.com/music/2008/jan/10/urban 10 Jan 2008] ** "He's a jackass." [http://web.archive.org/web/20090922232941/news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090915/ap_on_en_tv/us_tv_obama_tweet 15 Sept 2009] [commenting privately on West after West's interruption of Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards] ** "I like Kanye, He’s a Chicago guy. Smart. He’s very talented. He ''is'' a jackass, but he's talented." [https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/05/american-mozart/308931/ May 2012] [https://muzlyrics.net/artist/k/kanye-west.html All lyrics by Kanye West]== External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:West, Kanye}} [[Category:Musicians from the United States]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Rappers from the United States]] [[Category:Hip hop music]] [[Category:Record producers from the United States]] [[Category:Businesspeople from the United States]] [[Category:Fashion designers from the United States]] [[Category:Film directors from the United States]] [[Category:Philanthropists from the United States]] [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:1977 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Atlanta]] 25geykzxv9o20jmt7nbjkjyvxyp2do5 0 4695 3158025 3156577 2022-08-26T00:20:55Z 184.94.181.243 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Iron Giant|The Iron Giant]]''''' is a [[w:1999 in film|1999]] [[w:Warner Bros.|Warner Bros.]] animated film directed by [[Brad Bird]], based on the [[w:The Iron Man (novel)|''The Iron Man'' (1968)]] by [[Ted Hughes]]. [[File:Castle Bravo 007.jpg|thumb|ATOMIC HOLOCAUST!! <br>Time to Duck and Cover. The bombs are coming down. <br>A radiation shower will pour throughout your town. <br>Hands up your head, keep low to the ground. <br>Time to Duck and Cover. The bombs are coming down. <br>Duck and Cover. Duck and Cover. Get under the desk with your sister and your brother. <br>Duck and Cover. Duck and Cover. That goes double for your dad and your mother. <br>So, hands over your head, keep low to the ground. <br>'Cause all the kids who don't will cease to be around.]] ==Dialogue== :''[first lines]'' :'''Earl:''' Mayday, mayday! This is the Trawler ''Annabelle.'' I've lost my bearings, and I'm taking on water. My last good reading is 44 degrees north, 68 degrees-- ''[he notices a comet crash-landing in the distance; loses grip on radio.]'' :'''Voice On Radio:''' Portland Station to ''Annabelle.'' What is your current position? :'''Earl:''' ''[grabbing the radio to reply]'' I don't know exactly, Portland; Off the coast somewhere near Rockwell! Wait. The lighthouse! I see it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kent:''' Kent Mansley, United States Government, Unexplained Phenomena Department. :'''Marv:''' Marv Loach. I-- :'''Kent:''' What happened here? :'''Marv:''' Not sure. Sometimes, the line'll snap if the weather is bad, sure. ''[Marv and Kent walk through the wreckage of the power station where Kent makes a report]'' But, for a whole tower to get twisted up like that, whoa! It's got me beat. It's almost like it was bitten off, by some enormous beast. :'''Kent:''' ''[writing the notes down]'' "Enormous Beast." Yeah. What do you think, escaped gorilla? :'''Marv:''' Uh, what department is that again? :'''Kent:''' Frankly, I'm not at liberty to reveal the particulars of the agency I work for, and all that that implies. :'''Marv:''' ''[whispers]'' You mean, uh, National Security? :'''Kent:''' ''[chuckles]'' Let's put it this way. Every once in a while, things happen that just can't be rationalized in a conventional way. People want to know that their government has a response. ''I am'' that response. So, were there any witnesses? :'''Marv:''' Well, sir, if you'll just follow me. ''[Kent follows Marv to his truck. Marv opens his truck and takes out what's left of Hogarth's BB Gun.]'' We did find this. ''[Kent examines the damaged BB Gun]'' United States Government, huh? Guess that means something big's happenin' here, eh? :'''Kent:''' No, Marv. Big things happen in big places. And the sooner I fill out my report, the sooner I can get back to them. ''[he walks away with the BB Gun; to himself]'' Enormous beast, yeah. ''[he chuckles as he enters his car]'' Biggest thing in this town is probably the homecoming queen. ''[Kent notices his car has a chunk bitten out]'' '''OH, MY ''GOD!''''' ''[He jumps out, terrified, and his fedora falls off. He then quickly runs back to the power station. Afterwards, Giant's arm emerges from the trees. Kent is escorting Marv to his car.]'' Come on, Marv, come on. I need a witness. :'''Marv:''' Okay, I'm comin', I'm comin'. :'''Kent:''' It's around the corner. Come on, pick up the pace here. :'''Marv:''' Don't pull so hard, Mr. Manley, easy on the work shirt. :'''Kent:''' ''[panicking]'' You've never seen anything like it. It's like a big, big ''chomp'' out of the side of the car. :'''Marv:''' Take it easy. :'''Kent:''' It's like a bite out of a ham sandwich, like a-- ''[he becomes shocked to see his car is gone, and his fedora and the BB gun remains; gasps in shock]'' :'''Marv:''' ''[confused]'' What, um-- What are we looking at here, Mr. Manley? :'''Kent:''' Something big, Marv. ''[he picks up the damaged BB gun]'' Something big. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hogarth:''' ''[after seeing Giant; calmly]'' So, I guess you're not gonna hurt me, huh? ''[Giant holds his hand out as Hogarth cringes and gasps. He reveals the shut-off switch that lands on the ground; surprised]'' The shut-off switch. ''[to Giant]'' You saw me save you. ''[Giant looks at him innocently]'' So... where... are you from? You came from the sky, right? From up there? ''[Giant looks up]'' Don't you remember anything? Hmm, maybe it's that bump from your head. ''[Giant places his finger on his head, feeling the dent.]'' Do you talk? You know words? "Blah, blah, blah," like that? Can you do that? Blah, blah, blah? :'''Giant:''' ''[in a rusty voice]'' Blah, blah, blah. :'''Hogarth:''' Well... you get the idea anyway. ''[picks up a rock]'' See this? This is called a rock. Rock. :'''Giant:''' Rock! :'''Hogarth:''' Good. :'''Giant:''' ''[picks up a boulder]'' Rock? :'''Hogarth:''' Yes! :'''Giant:''' ''[picks up a tree]'' Rock! :'''Hogarth:''' No, no. ''That'' is a tree. ''[points to boulder]'' Rock... ''[points to tree]'' ...tree. Get it? :'''Giant:''' ''[looks at boulder]'' Rock. ''[looks at tree]'' Tree. :'''Hogarth:''' That's right! ''[to himself]'' Wow, my own giant robot, I am now the luckiest kid in America! This is unbelievable. This is the greatest discovery since, I don't know, ''television'' or something. I gotta tell someone. I should call some-- No. They'll panic. ''[to Giant]'' People will always wig out and start shooting when they see something big like you. :'''Giant:''' ''[confused]'' Hmm? :'''Hogarth:''' Wig out. It means crazy. You know like, uh-- ''[makes a crazy face and babbles; Giant mimics him]'' No, no! Don't do that! ''That's'' the kind of stuff that makes them shoot at you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Annie:''' Would you say grace, please? :'''Hogarth:''' ''[rolls his eyes, then sees the Giant's hand walking through his kitchen; shocked]'' Oh, my God! ''[his mother looks up at him]'' Um... Uhh, Oh my God... we, uh... thank you for the, uh... food... that... Mom has put in front of us and- STOP! ... Uh, uh- the Devil! From doing bad things? And uh- ''get out of here!'' Uh... Satan. ''Go! Go''...so...that we may live in peace. Amen. :'''Annie:''' Amen. That was... hmm... really unusual, Hogarth. :'''Hogarth:''' ''[quickly]'' Forgot to wash my hands. ''[leaves the table]'' :'''Annie:''' Well, uh-- Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maine Man''': Here we go. :'''Maine Man #2''': I've got it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hogarth opens the door and sees Kent Mansley.]'' :'''Kent:''' Hey there, scout. Kent Mansley. I work for the government. ''[Hogarth quickly closes the door and he gasps]'' :'''Annie:''' Hogarth? ''[Kent knocks and rings the doorbell]'' Hogarth? ''[Hogarth opens the door]'' :'''Kent:''' Hey there, scout. Kent Mansley. ''[smile disappears]'' Work for the government. Your parents home? :'''Hogarth''': We're eating. :'''Kent:''' Mmm, boy. :'''Annie:''' Who's there, honey? :'''Kent:''' ''[stares at Annie's chest; huskily]'' Well, hello there. ''[clears throat and regains composure]'' Do you have a telephone I could use? :'''Annie:''' Yes, there's one in the kitchen. :'''Kent:''' Well, thank you. Thank you very much. ''[to Hogarth]'' Here. ''[puts his fedora on Hogarth's head]'' Pretend you're a gangster. ''[chuckles]'' :''[Kent calls General Rogard's home phone number. The general picks up while watching a western on TV.]'' :'''General Rogard:''' ''[annoyed]'' Damn it, Mansley, you called me at home for this? :'''Kent:''' You don't understand, sir. It-it-it-- It ''ate'' my car! :'''General Rogard:''' And you saw this happen? :'''Kent:''' No, I didn't actually ''see'' it. It went off into the... woods. :'''General Rogard:''' So, you don't have any evidence. :'''Kent:''' But-But sir, I've got an eyewitness! :'''General Rogard:''' An eyewitness with a concussion. :'''Kent:''' ''[shouts]'' ''This thing i--!'' ''[covers his mouth and lowers his voice]'' This thing is a menace. It-It-It-It tore up a power station and-- ''[phone falls, and he picks up]'' --and caused a train wreck! :'''General Rogard:''' What did? Tell me again, Mansley, and this time, listen to yourself. :'''Kent:''' ''[sighs; wearily]'' A giant metal monster. ''[Rogard guffaws on the other end. Kent turns around a kitchen mitt that seems to mock him.]'' Please, sir. I've got a ''feeling'' about this one. :'''General Rogard:''' That's lovely, Kent. But let me try to explain how this works: If you told me you'd found, say, um, a giant footprint, I might send over an expert to make a plaster cast of it. ''Hell,'' you get me a ''photograph'' of this thing and I could probably get some ''troops'' over there! But you tell me you've got a ''feeling.'' :'''Kent:''' All right, then fine. You want evidence? I'll get you evidence, and when I do, I'm gonna want a ''memo'' distributed. :'''General Rogard:''' ''[dryly]'' That sounds swell, Kent. :'''Kent:''' I'm gonna want that memo carbon-''copied,'' and ''redistributed,'' ''[Rogard hangs up.]'' ''and--'' ''[Kent stops, and tries to hang up the phone, which falls off the receiver, twice; he gets angry, yelling incoherently and bangs the phone against the receiver several times, then composes himself.]'' Hi. Thanks for the use of your phone. ''[goes outside the door and puts his fedora back on.]'' Well, thank you for the use of your phone, Mrs.--? :'''Annie:''' Hughes. Annie Hughes. And this is my son, Hogarth. :'''Kent:''' Thank you, Annie. Hobart. :'''Hogarth:''' That's ''Hogarth!'' ''[grumbles irritably]'' :''[Kent gets into his government-issue car and starts driving.]'' :'''Kent:''' "Hogarth"? What an embarrassing name. Might as well call him Zeppo or something. What kind of a sick person would name their kid Hogar--? ''[stops and looks over to Hogarth's smashed B-B gun which says "Hog Hug," instead of "Hogarth Hughes." ]'' "Hog Hug". '''"HOG HUG"?!''' ''[realizes]'' '''''HOGARTH HUGHES!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Annie:''' Hogarth? What is going on up there? Are you all right? :'''Hogarth:''' I'm fine! :'''Kent:''' You know, this sort of thing is why it's so important to really chew your food. :''[Annie turns and gives Kent a dirty look.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hogarth:''' ''[he has just had espresso with Dean, and is not used to its effects]'' So, she moved me up a grade because I wasn't fitting in, so now I'm even more not fitting in. I was getting good grades, you know, like all A's. So my mom says, "You need stimulation" and I go, "No, I'm stimulated enough right now." :'''Dean:''' That's for sure. :'''Hogarth:''' So she says, "Uh-uh. You don't have a challenge. You need a challenge." So now I'm challenged, all right. '''''I'm challenged to hold on to my lunch money''''' because of all the big mooses who want to pound me, because I'm a shrimpy dork who thinks he's smarter than them. But I don't think I'm smarter, I just do the stupid homework. If everyone else just did the stupid homework, they could move up a grade and get pounded too. Is there any more coffee? :'''Dean''': Look, it's really none of my business, kid, but who cares what those creeps think, you know? They don't decide who you are, ''you'' do. You are who you choose to be. ''[a crashing sound is heard from outside; shocked]'' Did you hear that? :'''Hogarth''': No, wait. Stop! ''[Dean comes out of his home with a crowbar in his hand, he looks around. Then, he turns around and suddenly caught sight of Giant on the other side of his warehouse.]'' It's okay. :'''Dean''': ''[alarmed]'' My God... :'''Hogarth''': He isn't gonna-- :'''Dean''': ''[panicking; grabs Hogarth]'' '''''RUN, KID! RUN!''''' ''[they run off, Dean's voice attracts Giant's attention and he jumps up angrily. The Giant lands in front of them, they run the opposite way]'' :'''Hogarth''': It's okay, he isn't-- ''[he gets cut off when Giant slams his hand in their way. They turn around and they trip]'' It's okay, he isn't gonna hurt me. :''[Suddenly, Giant grabs hold of Dean by the collar of his night robe]'' :'''Dean''': Whoa! Hey, hey! ''[he gasps when the Giant raises him high]'' :'''Hogarth''': Don't squash him! No, don't! ''Do not...'' ''[Giant narrows his eyes at Dean, then he looks at Hogarth, confused]'' ''[softly]'' ...squash him. His name is Dean. We like Dean. ''[Giant draws his attention back to Dean, but he doesn't narrow his eyes]'' :'''Giant''': Dean. ''[Dean gasps, and cowers in fear]'' :'''Dean:''' ''[sees Giant eating some metal junk and shakes with fear as he is about to take a sip of his coffee]'' So...where'd, uh-- Where'd he come from? :'''Hogarth:''' He doesn't remember. He's like a... little kid. :'''Dean:''' Little. Yeah. ''[starts chuckling, then stops]'' Wait a minute. You can ''talk'' to him? :'''Hogarth:''' Kinda. He can't say a lot of words yet, but he understand things pretty good. :'''Dean:''' Oh, yeah, I see. :''[Hogarth and Dean start chuckling as the Giant is still eating some metal junk, then they stop]'' :'''Hogarth:''' He needs food and shelter. ''[Dean gets up from his chair, pours his coffee onto the ground, and walks back into his office, shutting the door. 37 minutes later, Hogarth is still pleading to Dean to let Giant stay in the junkyard, but to no avail.]'' You got plenty of room here. This place is perfect! :'''Dean:''' Go away. :'''Hogarth:''' I ''can'' have him push the door down. You know I can! :'''Dean:''' ''[opens the door]'' Hogarth, I-I-I can't hide it ''here!'' :'''Hogarth:''' ''Him.'' Not it. :'''Dean:''' Whatever. You don't even know where ''he'' came from, or-or-or what the hell ''he'' is! :'''Hogarth:''' ''He's'' my friend. :'''Dean:''' Yeah, yeah. What am I? Am I your friend? ''[starts walking back into his office]'' Bring some Franken-bot with out-of-state plates over here and make me change ''my'' tune. I don't like that jazz. ''[lays down on his couch]'' God, I'm tired. :'''Hogarth:''' So, he can stay? :'''Dean:''' Tonight. Tomorrow-- I-I don't know about tomorrow. :''[Hogarth closes the door and breathes a sigh of relief]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kent:''' Hey, mind if I ask you a few questions there, buckaroo? Now, why would you tell your mom about a giant robot, slugger? So, what'd you see at the power station, huh, tiger? Tell anyone else about this, buddy? How big is this thing, Ranger? Been in the forest lately, Junior? Hey, where you goin'? Champ? Slugger? Hey, Cowboy, where you goin'? Where you goin'? :'''Hogarth''': ''[exasperated]'' '''I'M GOIN' ''OUT!''''' ''[takes his jacket]'' :'''Annie''': Well, why don't you take Mr. Mansley with you, show him the sights? :'''Hogarth''': Oh, Mom, the sights? :'''Kent''': ''[puts his fedora on]'' Hey, I'd love that. Give us a chance to get acquainted, swap some stories. Huh, chief? :''[scene changes to Dean talking to Giant]'' :'''Dean''': There are two kinds of metal in this yard: Scrap and art. If you gotta eat one of them, eat the scrap. What you currently have '''''IN YOUR MOUTH'' IS ''ART!''''' :'''Giant''': ''[takes the art scrap out of his mouth]'' Hmm. Art? :''[Dean looks at him, annoyed. Giant mashes up the scrap some more, trying to repair it.]'' :'''Dean''': Forget it. Forget it. ''[Giant puts down the damaged art scrap on the ground.]'' It's gone. It's-- ''[Dean notices the readjustment of the art scrap and is amazed]'' Hmm. That's not bad. <hr width="50%"/> :''[scene changes to Hogarth and Kent having root beer floats.]'' :'''Hogarth''': First, you take a chocolate bar. Any bar will do. :'''Kent''': Oh. :'''Hogarth''': Do you mind if I, uh--? :'''Kent''': No, knock yourself out, skipper. :'''Hogarth''': ''[crumbles up choco-lax]'' You crumble up the chocolate into little pieces, ''[stirs the ice cream]'' then you kind of stir it into the ice cream. See? :'''Kent''': Yes, I see. What do you call this, again? :'''Hogarth''': Landslide. It's new. ''Very'' new. ''[tosses choco-lax wrapper in garbage can without Kent noticing]'' :'''Kent''': Mmm. Landslide. Topnotch. Mmm. ''[Hogarth makes a landslide with a regular chocolate bar.]'' You know, Hogarth, we live in a strange and wondrous time. The Atomic Age. But, there's a dark side to progress, Hogarth. Ever hear of ''Sputnik?'' :'''Hogarth''': Yeah, it's the first satellite in space. :'''Kent''': ''Foreign'' satellite, Hogarth, and all that that implies. Even now, it orbits overhead... (Boop! Boop!) ...watching us. We can't see it, but it's there. Much like that giant thing in the woods. We don't know what it is or what it can do. I don't feel safe, Hogarth. Do ''you?'' :'''Hogarth:''' ''[puzzled and confused]'' What are you talking about? :'''Kent''': What am I talking about? ''[angrily]'' '''''What am I TALKING ABOUT?!''''' ''[everyone stares at Kent]'' I'm talking about your goldarned security, Hogarth! While you're snoozing in your little jammies, back in Washington, we're wide awake and worried. Why? Because everyone wants what ''we'' have, Hogarth; ''Everyone!'' You think this metal man is ''fun''. But who built it? The Russians? The Chinese? The Martians? Canadians?! '''''I DON'T CARE!''''' All I know is ''we'' didn't build it, and that's reason enough to assume the worst and blow it to kingdom come! Now, you are going to ''tell'' me about this thing, you are going to ''lead'' me to it, and we are going to destroy ''it'' before ''it'' destroys ''us!'' ''[suddenly, Kent's stomach begins to gurgle, causing his glare to fade away and his eyes to widen]'' Just hold that thought and stay right there! Uh-oh! :''[Kent rushes to the bathroom, and Hogarth takes his chance and escapes.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dean:''' ''[sets up his chair]'' This can't last forever, Hogarth. We gotta tell somebody about him. :'''Hogarth:''' Ah, you worry too much. ''[climbs up the rock boulder]'' Hey, Dean! Watch this! :'''Dean:''' ''[sits down on his chair]'' All right, we're watchin', we're watchin'. :'''Hogarth:''' This one's for professionals only! ''[jumps in the lake]'' Banzai! ''[Giant looks down at Hogarth in the lake. Hogarth emerges from the water, shivering]'' C-C-Come on in! Th-Th-The water's great! :'''Dean:''' ''[chuckles]'' No, thanks. :'''Hogarth:''' You w-weenie! ''[to Giant]'' Come on in! It's really, really refreshing. ''[Giant walks away]'' What? You too? You... ''big '''baby!''''' ''[hears running footsteps approaching and Dean also hears the footsteps while reading the newspaper.]'' :'''Giant:''' ''[jumps]'' '''''Banzai!''''' ''[lands in the water and does a giant splash. Dean, who is reading his newspaper, notices the wave approaches, he hides behind his newspaper. The wave lands on the road and Dean gets all wet. Hogarth is hanging from a tree as he laughs.]'' :'''Hogarth:''' Whoo! :''[Dean is on the washed road as a truck approaches him.]'' :'''Truck Driver:''' Hey! :'''Dean:''' Yeah? :'''Truck Driver:''' You're right in the middle of the road! :'''Dean:''' ''Yeah?'' :'''Truck Driver:''' All right. ''[drives away]'' :'''Dean:''' I think that's enough fun for one day. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kent is in the bathroom with red lighting at Hogarth's house. He hangs the drying photos from Hogarth's camera then he hears knocking.]'' :'''Annie:''' Are you okay in there, Mr. Mansley? I'm back with that toilet paper you needed. :'''Kent:''' ''[chuckles]'' Thanks! I think I'm feeling better now. Much. ''[sees the photo of Hogarth and Giant]'' ''Much'' better. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hogarth and Giant are in the woods. Giant sighs happily at the beauty of the vast forest.]'' :'''Hogarth:''' It's beautiful, huh? ''[sees a deer]'' Hey, look. ''[quietly]'' It's a deer. :'''Giant:''' Deer? :'''Hogarth:''' Shh! Let's get closer. ''[The Giant walks quietly to the deer. The deer sees the Giant and Hogarth. The Giant kneels down holding out his finger Hogarth and Giant smiles as the deer curiously sniffs Giant's finger. Then the deer hears a twig snap and it leaves.]'' Hmm, well I guess he decided to-- ''[suddenly, a gunshot is heard and birds fly past them, the Giant is shocked, and sees hunters kneeling over the deer they just shot as they turn to see the Giant.]'' :'''Hunter:''' ''[alarmed]'' It's the monster! ''[they both drop their guns and run into the woods]'' :'''Hogarth:''' ''[shocked]'' Oh, no. ''[Giant sees the deer is dead, and slowly reaches his finger down touching it, to no avail]'' It's dead. :'''Giant:''' ''[sadly]'' Dead? ''[he tries to pick up the dead deer]'' :'''Hogarth:''' Don't ''do'' that! :'''Giant:''' ''[lets go of the dead deer; to Hogarth, confused]'' W-- Why? :'''Hogarth:''' It's ''dead.'' Understand? They... shot it, with that gun. ''[Giant sees the gun his eyes narrow and turn red]'' Hey, what's wrong? :'''Giant:''' ''[snaps out of it]'' Gun. :'''Hogarth''': Yes. Guns kill. :'''Giant:''' Guns kill. :''[Later that night, Giant and Hogarth are at the junkyard. Giant feels very sad about the deer. Hogarth walks up to him.]'' :'''Hogarth''': I know you feel bad about the deer. But's it not your fault. Things die. It's part of life. It's bad to kill. But it's not bad to die. :'''Giant:''' You die? :'''Hogarth''': Well... yes, someday. :'''Giant:''' I die? :'''Hogarth''': I don't know. You're made of metal. But you have feelings, and you think about things, and that means you have a soul. And souls don't die. :'''Giant:''' Soul? :'''Hogarth''': Mom says it's something inside of all good things. And that it goes on forever and ever. ''[pats Giant's face and walks away. Giant lies on the scraps and he looks up at the night sky.]'' :'''Giant:''' Souls don't die. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hogarth is in the barn putting his bicycle away]'' :'''Kent''': ''[in the shadows]'' You're late for dinner, Hogarth. ''[Hogarth tries to escape from the barn but Kent locks the door and stops him]'' Your mom's working late tonight, Hogarth. So it's just us guys. And we're gonna have a little chat. ''Sit down!'' ''[shoves Hogarth onto a chair and shines a bright light on him]'' How's that? A little too bright? Good. ''[chuckles]'' Forgive me, Hogarth. I wanted you to learn something. :'''Hogarth''': What can I learn from you? :'''Kent''': You can learn this, Hogarth: that I can do anything I want whenever I want if I feel it's in the people's best interest. The giant metal man; Where is it? :'''Hogarth''': I don't know what you're talking about. :'''Kent''': You don't? Well... ''[lays his pictures on the table, first the one of the piece of metal that Hogarth lured the Giant with]'' Does this ring a bell? ''[Hogarth doesn't answer]'' No? How about this? ''[lays another picture which Hogarth accidentally took of himself with the Giant behind him]'' You've been careless, Hogarth. :'''Hogarth''': It doesn't prove anything. :'''Kent''': It's enough to get the army here with one phone call. :'''Hogarth''': Then what's stopping you? :'''Kent''': ''[angrily; knocking the lamp over the table]'' '''''WHERE'S THE GIANT?!''''' :'''Thumping Lady''': ''[angrily]'' '''''OH, RAFA SI E SA!!!''''' ''[loudly thumps in the thunderous way]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dean''': Get back! ''[the Giant looks at Dean in confusion]'' I said ''"Get back!"'' I ''mean'' it! :'''Giant''': No. Stop. Why? :'''Hogarth:''' It was an accident. He's our friend. :'''Dean''': ''[to Hogarth]'' He's a piece of ''hardware,'' Hogarth. Why do you think the army was here? He's a ''weapon''. A big ''gun'' that, that walks! :'''Giant''': I... I... I not gun. :'''Dean''': Yeah, what's that? Huh? ''[points at a school bus that was left in the hole by the Giant's Eye Gun]'' You almost did that to Hogarth! :'''Giant''': ''[sees hole in bus; shocked]'' No. ''[he runs away as it begins to snow]'' :'''Hogarth:''' Come back! ''[runs to follow Giant]'' :'''Dean''': Hogarth. Hey, stop! :'''Hogarth:''' Giant! Come back! :'''Dean''': ''[picks up Hogarth's toy gun; realizing]'' It was defensive. He reacted to the gun. ''[Hogarth continues running on the road and Dean arrives on his motorcycle.]'' You're not gonna get there fast enough on foot. ''[Hogarth smiles as he hops on]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''General Rogard:''' ''[takes radio from a soldier frozen with fear]'' All battleships fire at the robot! Now! '''''NOW,'' DAMN IT, ''NOW!''''' :''[The battleships offshore fire on the Giant, drawing its' attention away from the army and it begins marching toward the shore to confront the new threat]'' :'''General Rogard:''' Nothing can stop this thing; We've hit it with everything we've got! :'''Mansley''': Not ''everything,'' General; the bomb. ''[Rogard removes his glasses and stares in shock]'' The ''Nautilus'' has first-strike capability, and is not far offshore. :'''General Rogard:''' You scare me, Mansley. You want us to bomb ourselves in order to kill it?! :'''Mansley:''' General, the Giant seems to follow whatever attacks it. We can lure it ''away'' from the town, ''then'' destroy it. :'''General Rogard:''' ''[to one of his soldiers]'' Radio the ''Nautilus.'' Tell them to target the robot and await my command. <hr width="50%"/> :'''George:''' This is ''Nautilus.'' What's the Giant's current position? :'''Rick:''' ''[through radio]'' 67.71972 degrees west by 44.50177 degrees north. :'''Robert:''' Locked and loaded. :'''Annie:''' ''[caressing Hogarth]'' Oh, my baby, I'm so sorry. :'''Hogarth:''' ''[regains consciousness; to Dean]'' Stop the car. :'''Annie:''' ''[surprised]'' Hogarth! Oh, my God! Honey, you're all right! :'''Hogarth:''' Go back! We've gotta help him! :'''Dean:''' Are you crazy, kid? You're lucky to be alive. We're taking you to a hospital. ''[sees the Army; stops truck.]'' :'''Rick:''' Everyone, out of the car! We are to evacuate the area. ''[pulling Dean of out the truck]'' :'''Dean:''' What are you talking about? We gotta get this boy to a hospital. :'''Rick:''' What boy? :'''Dean:''' ''[sees the truck is empty; shocked]'' Hogarth! :''[Hogarth runs up to Giant as Dean and Annie look on.]'' :'''Annie:''' ''[worried]'' Hogarth, no! :''[Giant targets the battleship as Hogarth arrives to stop him.]'' :'''Hogarth:''' ''Hey! No! '''STOP!''''' :''[Giant turns to Hogarth and he shoots to sky, narrowly missing the battleship, as the army reacts in shock. Kent looks at General Rogard.]'' :'''General Rogard:''' ''[to ''Nautilus,'' through radio]'' This is General Rogard. Ready the attack and prepare to retreat to the fallback position. :'''Annie:''' No! No! Stop! My son is out there! :''[camera cuts to Hogarth as Giant points his weapon at him.]'' :'''Hogarth:''' No, wait! It's me, Hogarth. Remember? It's bad to kill. Guns kill. And you don't have to be a gun. You are what you choose to be. ''You'' choose. ''[braces for impact]'' Choose. :'''Giant:''' ''[his eyes return to normal]'' Hogarth. ''[returns to his normal form, feeling regretful, as he moans.]'' :'''Hogarth:''' It's okay, It's okay. We gotta show them you're good. :''[Giant turns around, and the camera cuts to inside the ''Nautilus'' submarine.]'' :'''John:''' ''Nautilus'' to Rogard. Missile armed and ready. :'''General Rogard:''' What are you saying? He's friendly? :'''Dean:''' Yes! Attacking him is triggering a defense mechanism. :'''Kent:''' Don't listen, General! ''Destroy'' the monster while we still have the chance! :''[soldiers arm their rifles, after hear the Giant's footsteps]'' :'''Dean:''' General, you shoot now, and the whole thing starts all over again! :'''Kent:''' Stop it ''now,'' General; Our future's at stake! :'''Rick:''' Orders, sir? :'''Dean:''' Which is why you have got to ''stop,'' General! :'''Rick:''' ''[alarmed]'' It's getting closer! Orders, sir?! :'''Hogarth:''' Don't shoot! Don't shoot! :'''Annie:''' Hogarth! :'''General Rogard:''' Hold your fire! The boy's alive? :'''Kent:''' It's a trick; Launch the missile! :'''General Rogard:''' Are you mad, Mansley? All units, stand down! Rogard to ''Nautilus.'' Come in, ''Nautilus.'' :''[Giant angrily stares at Kent for knocking Hogarth unconscious, and Kent is alarmed]'' :'''John:''' ''[through radio]'' This is ''Nautilus,'' standing by. :'''Kent:''' ''[snatches radio; screaming]'' '''''LAUNCH THE MISSILE NOW!''''' :''[''Nautilus'' captain pushes the red button, launching the missile up to the sky.]'' :'''General Rogard:''' ''[grabs Kent by his trench coat]'' ''[angrily]'' That missile is '''TARGETED TO THE GIANT'S ''CURRENT POSITION!'' WHERE'S THE GIANT, MANSLEY?!''' :'''Kent:''' ''[sees the Giant holding Hogarth in his hands standing behind him]'' Wha--? Ohhhh....W-W-We can duck and cover! There's a fallout shelter right there. If we hur-- :'''General Rogard:''' There's no way to survive this, '''YOU IDIOT!''' :'''Kent:''' ''[shocked]'' You mean... we're all going to--? :'''General Rogard:''' To ''die,'' Mansley. For our country. :'''Kent:''' ''[his last words; alarmed]'' Screw our country, I WANNA ''LIVE!'' ''[shoves a soldier out of a jeep and starts to drive away, but the Giant blocks the jeep with his hand, preventing him from escaping.]'' :'''General Rogard:''' Hold him, men. ''[Soldiers aim their rifles at Kent.]'' Make sure he stays here, like a good soldier. :''[an air raid siren goes off and the crowd gets worried and scared. Giant puts Hogarth down then he walks up to Annie and hugs her.]'' :'''Hogarth:''' ''[shocked]'' Oh, no. ''[looks to where the missile is heading.]'' :'''Giant:''' Hmm. :'''Hogarth:''' It's the missile. When it comes down, everyone will die. ''[Annie places her hand on Hogarth's shoulder.]'' :'''Man:''' There it is! ''[the crowd sees the missile up in the sky as Giant looks at it then he looks to crowd knowing that the missile will kill everyone, and bravely looks at the missile.]'' :'''Annie:''' Shouldn't we get to a shelter? :'''Dean:''' ''[shaking his head]'' It wouldn't matter. :'''Giant:''' I fix. ''[Hogarth feels surprised and he walks up to Giant.]'' :'''Hogarth:''' Giant? ''[Giant kneels down and gently places his finger at him.]'' :'''Giant:''' Hogarth. You stay. I go. ''[gently lifts Hogarth's chin, and sadly waves his other finger]'' No following. ''[backs slowly]'' :'''Hogarth:''' ''[softly]'' I love you. :''[The Giant takes off as Hogarth looks on and Annie comforts him. As the missile starts to descend, the Giant flies up into outer space, aiming himself towards it, to save the town.]'' :'''Hogarth:''' ''[through memory]'' You are who you choose to be. :'''Giant:''' ''[last word; heroically]'' '''[[w:Superman|Superman]].''' :''[The Giant closes his eyes and flies straight into the missile, which explodes in a massive atomic fireball, as Annie, Dean and Hogarth shield their eyes from the blinding light. The townspeople and soldiers cheer as Rogard solemnly removes his helmet in respect for the Giant's sacrifice]'' :'''General Rogard:''' ''[solemnly]'' Let's go home. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last line]'' :'''Hogarth:''' See you later. :''[The jawbolt rolls away as the camera pans up to the sky then the camera changes to Langjokull Glacier, Iceland. Giant's parts go toward Giant as the camera pans to the Giant's face. He opens his eyes and smiles, then the movie cuts to black, and then the credits roll.]'' ==Voice cast== *[[w:Vin Diesel|Vin Diesel]] - The Iron Giant *[[w:Eli Marienthal|Eli Marienthal]] - Hogarth Hughes *[[Harry Connick, Jr.]] - Dean McCoppin *[[w:Christopher McDonald|Christopher McDonald]] - Kent Mansley *[[Jennifer Aniston]] - Annie Hughes *[[Cloris Leachman]] - Mrs. Tensedge *[[w:John Mahoney|John Mahoney]] - General Rogard *[[w:Jack Angel|Jack Angel]] - Atomic Holocaust Narrator/Truck Driver/Arthur the Soldier *[[w:Bob Bergen|Bob Bergen]] - George The Army Diver Sub *[[w:Mary Kay Bergman|Mary Kay Bergman]] - Hogarth Hughes (screaming and sleeping sounds) *[[Rodger Bumpass]] - Maine Man/Rick the Soldier *[[w:Robert Clotworthy|Robert Clotworthy]] - Maine Man #2 *[[w:Jennifer Darling|Jennifer Darling]] - Woman *[[w:Paul Eiding|Paul Eiding]] - John The Army Diver Sub *[[w:Bill Farmer|Bill Farmer]] - Robert The Army Diver Sub *[[w:Sherry Lynn|Sherry Lynn]] - Maine Woman #2 *[[w:Mickie McGowan|Mickie McGowan]] - Maine Woman/Screaming Waitress *[[w:Phil Proctor|Phil Proctor]] - Soldiers ==See also== * ''[[The Incredibles]]'', a [[w:2004 in film|2004]] [[w:Pixar|Pixar]] film also directed by Brad Bird. ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title| id=0129167|title=The Iron Giant}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Iron Giant}} [[Category:1999 films|Iron Giant]] [[Category:1990s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated action films]] [[Category:American children's animated drama films]] [[Category:American children's animated science fiction films]] [[Category:Animated coming-of-age films|Iron Giant]] [[Category:Technology films]] [[Category:Cold War films|Iron Giant]] [[Category:Robot films|Iron Giant]] [[Category:Nuclear weapons in media|Iron Giant]] [[Category:Animated films about death]] [[Category:Animated films about friendship]] [[Category:Animated films based on children's books]] [[Category:Animated films based on novels]] [[Category:Films directed by Brad Bird]] 4ucodp4j9v0idg1yprsnpxm7ti0go28 0 5515 3157870 3155652 2022-08-25T16:19:01Z 72.90.183.138 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- [[Lilo & Stitch|Pilot film]] | '''Seasons''': [[Lilo & Stitch: The Series (season 1)|1]] [[Lilo & Stitch: The Series (season 2)|2]] | [[Leroy & Stitch|Finale film]] | [[Lilo & Stitch: The Series|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Lilo & Stitch|Lilo & Stitch]]''''' is a [[w:2002 in film|2002]] American [[w:animation|animated]] [[w:comedy film|comedy]]-[[w:drama film|drama]] [[w:adventure film|adventure film]] released by Walt Disney Pictures on June 21, 2002, about a Hawaiian girl who adopts an unusual pet who is actually a notorious extraterrestrial fugitive from the law. Home Video was released on December 1 and 3, 2002. :''Written and directed by [[w:Chris Sanders (director)|Chris Sanders]] and [[w:Dean DeBlois|Dean DeBlois]].'' == Dialogue == :''[In Jumba's cell after Experiment 6-2-6 has escaped]'' :'''Jumba''': ''[chuckles]'' He got away? :'''Grand Councilwoman''': I'm sure this comes as no surprise to you. :'''Jumba''': I designed this creature for it to be unstoppable. :'''Grand Councilwoman''': Which is precisely why you must now bring him back! :'''Jumba''': What, me? :'''Grand Councilwoman''': And to reward you, we are willing to trade your freedom for his capture. :'''Jumba''': ''[sighs]'' 6-2-6 will not come easily... Maybe direct hit from plasma-cannon might stun him long enough to-- :'''Grand Councilwoman''': ''[interrupting, exasperated]'' Plasma-cannon granted. Do we have a bargain, Dr. Jumba? :'''Jumba''': ''[grunts and nods]'' :'''Pleakley''': B-b-but it's a delicate planet! Who's going to control him? :'''Grand Councilwoman''': You will. ''[leaves]'' :'''Pleakley''': Very good, your highness. I... I didn’t quite. Uh, you’re not joking. :'''Jumba''': So, tell me my little one eyed one on what poor pitiful defenseless planet, has my monstrosity been unleashed? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Lilo Pelekai shows up to hula dance class late, soaking wet, Mertle Edmonds, Elena, Teresa and Yuki slip in the puddles, one by one.]'' :'''Moses Puloki''': Stop, stop. Lilo, why are you all wet? :'''Lilo''': It's sandwich day. :''[Moses looks confused]'' :'''Lilo''': ''[sighs]'' Every Thursday, I take Pudge the fish a peanut butter sandwich. :'''Moses''': ''[still confused]'' Pudge is a fish? :'''Lilo''': ''[continues]'' And today we were out of peanut butter! So I asked my sister what to give him, and she said a tuna sandwich!! I can't give Pudge tuna! ''[Whispers]'' Do you know what tuna is? :'''Moses''': Fish? :'''Lilo''': It's fish! If I gave Pudge tuna, I'd be an abomination! I'm late because I had to go to the store, and get peanut butter, 'cause all we have is... is... is stinkin' tuna! :'''Moses''': Lilo, Lilo. Why is this so important? :'''Lilo''': ''[seriously]'' Pudge controls the weather. :''[Everyone exchanges surprised looks]'' :'''Myrtle:''' You're crazy. :''[Lilo furiously starts jumping on Myrtle, angrily punching her in the face and kicking her, then the other girls gather around screaming and Moses picks up Lilo.]'' :'''Moses''': Please! Please! Everybody calm down! :''[Myrtle cries]'' :'''Moses''': Girls.... ''[recites "It doesn't matter" in Hawaiian]'' Shh. Don't cry, Myrtle. Lilo.... :'''Lilo''': I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I won't do it again! :'''Moses''': Maybe we should call your sister. :'''Lilo''': No! I'll be good! I want to dance. I practiced. I just want to dance. I practiced. :''[Pause]'' :'''Mertle''': Ooh, she bit me. :'''Elena, Teresa, and Yuki''': Eww! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nani''': ''[Lilo shrieks as she chases her]'' Ew! Lilo! ''[stops, and points herself to the laundry room. She sets the blanket on the floor, and climbs up the box. Lilo quietly comes out before getting caught and brought back to the hallway while snarling]'' Why didn't you wait at the school?! You were supposed to wait to ''there.'' ''Lilo?!'' Do you not understand?! Do you want to taken away?! Answer me! :'''Lilo''': No! :'''Nani''': No, you don't understand? :'''Lilo''': No! :'''Nani''': "No", what? :'''Lilo''': No! ''[hits the floor]'' :'''Nani''': ''[groans]'' Why do you 12th grade easier all. You're such a pain! :'''Lilo''': So why don't you sell me and buy a rabbit instead?! :'''Nani''': At least a rabbit would behave better than you! :'''Lilo''': Go ahead! Then you'll be happy! Because it'll be smarter than me, too! :'''Nani''': And quieter! :'''Lilo''': You'll like it, 'cause it's stinky like you! ''[enters her bedroom and shuts the door]'' :'''Nani''': '''''GO TO YOUR ROOOOOOOOOOMM!!!!!!''''' :'''Lilo''': ''[opens door]'' I'm already in my room!! ''[shuts the door again]'' :''[Both sisters scream into their pillows]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later]'' :'''Nani''': Hey, I brought you some pizza. In case you’re hungry. :'''Lilo''': We’re a broken family, aren’t we? :'''Nani''': No. Maybe a little. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lilo''': ''[trying to push Nani out of her room]'' Can't you go any faster? :'''Nani''': ''[leaning back]'' Oh, no! Gravity is increasing on me! :'''Lilo''': No, it's not! :'''Nani''': Is too, Lilo. The same thing happened yesterday. ''[falls on top of Lilo]'' :'''Lilo''': You rotten sister, your butt is crushing me! Why do you act so weird? ''[shuts the door on her sister's head]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nani and Lilo are at an animal shelter looking for a pet dog.]'' :'''Nani''': ''[to shelter worker]'' We're looking for something that can defend itself... something that won't die, something... sturdy, you know? :'''Lilo''': Like a lobster! :'''Nani''': Lilo, you lolo! Do we have a lobster door? No, we have a dog door. We are getting a dog. :''[6-2-6 sneaks out of the shelter, ducked from aiming plasma gun]'' :'''Jumba''': Ha-ha! So nice to see your pretty face again! :'''6-2-6''': Jumba? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lilo''': Hi. :'''6-2-6''': Hoo, ha… Hi. ''[hugs her]'' :'''Lilo''': Wow! :''[Lilo comes back to the lobby with 6-2-6]'' :'''Shelter Worker''': Oh, yes, all our dogs are adoptable.... ''[jumps, startled]'' Except that one!!!! ''[runs and takes 6-2-6 away from Lilo as Nani pulls Lilo away from 6-2-6]'' :'''Nani''': What is that thing?! :'''Shelter Worker''': A dog.... I think, but it was dead this morning! :'''Nani''': It was dead this morning?!?! :'''Shelter Worker''': Well, we thought it was dead, it was hit by a truck!! :'''Lilo''': I like him!! Come here, boy! :''[6-2-6 forcefully, against the shelter worker's grip, walks himself forward to get to Lilo as she so called him to her, climbing up onto Nani and Lilo's laps]'' :'''Nani''': ''[screams and pushes 6-2-6 away from her and Lilo; she composes herself and asks]'' Wouldn't you like a different dog? :'''Shelter Worker''': ''[a bit breathless]'' We have better dogs, dear. :'''Lilo''': Not better than him! He can talk. Say hello. :'''6-2-6''': Hel... Hel... :'''Shelter Worker''': Dogs can't talk, dear. :''[6-2-6 narrows his eyes and bares his teeth in frustration]'' :'''Lilo''': He did! :'''Nani''': Does it have to be this dog?! :''[6-2-6 pants a few times before lolling his tongue out, sticking it up his nose and pulling out a big green bogie, eating it, smacking his lips]'' :'''Lilo''': Yes. He's good. I can tell. :'''Shelter Worker''': ''[filling out paperwork at the front desk]'' You'll have to think of a name for him. :'''Lilo''': His name is... Stitch. :''[Standing on a chair, 6-2-6, now named Stitch, looks out the window]'' :'''Shelter Worker''': That's not a real name. ''[Nani shakes her head quickly and waves her hand as if saying 'No! Don't say that!']'' ... in... Iceland. But here it's a good name. Stitch, it is. And there's a $2.00 license fee. :'''Lilo''': I want to buy him! ''[whispers]'' Can I borrow $2? :''[With a semi-irritated look, Nani takes the money from the shelter worker and hands it to Lilo. Lilo then taps the money on her shoulder and hands it back to her, handing it to the shelter worker]'' :'''Shelter Worker''': ''[stamps the adoption papers and hands the paper to Lilo with a friendly smile]'' He's all yours. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lilo''': Don't leave me, okay? :'''Stitch''': OK. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grand Councilwoman''': You?! You're the cause of all this!! If it wasn't for Experiment 6-2-6, none of this- :'''Stitch''': ''[interrupting]'' Stitch! :'''Grand Councilwoman''': What? :'''Stitch''': My name is Stitch. :'''Grand Councilwoman''': Stitch, then. If it wasn't for Stitch- ''[realizes what just happened, turns back to Stitch]'' :'''Stitch''': Does Stitch have to go in the ship? :'''Grand Councilwoman''': ''[shocked, hesitant]'' ...Yes. :'''Stitch''': Can Stitch say goodbye? :'''Grand Councilwoman''': Yes. :'''Stitch''': Thank you. ''[walks over to Nani and Lilo]'' :'''Grand Councilwoman''': ''[looks at Nani and Lilo]'' Who are you? :'''Stitch''': This is my family. I found it all on my own. It's little and broken, but still good. Yeah. Still good. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cobra Bubbles''': [whispering] Lilo. Didn't you find that thing at a shelter? :'''Lilo''': Hey! Three days ago, I bought Stitch at the shelter. I paid two dollars for him. See this stamp? I own him. If you take him, you're stealing. :'''Cobra Bubbles''': Aliens are all about rules. :'''Grand Councilwoman''': You look familiar. :'''Cobra Bubbles''': CIA. Roswell. 1973. :'''Grand Councilwoman''': Ah, yes. You had hair then. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stitch grabs Jumba's plasma gun, but Jumba plugs it with a carrot]'' :'''Jumba''': You shouldn't play with guns. :'''Stitch''': ''[giving it to him]'' Oh, okay. :'''Jumba''': Thank you. ''[hears the gun beeping, realizes it's overloading and throws it back to Stitch]'' Oh, uh, I just remembered, it's your birthday! Happy birthday! :'''Stitch''': ''[throws it to him]'' Err, Merry Christmas! :'''Jumba''': ''[throws it back]'' It's not Christmas! :'''Stitch''': ''[throws it back]'' Happy Hanukah! :''[as Jumba and Stitch play hot potato with the overloading gun, Pleakley grabs Lilo and runs out of the house]'' :'''Jumba''': ''[in background, overlapped by Lilo]'' It's not Hanukah! :'''Lilo''': We're leaving Stitch?! :'''Pleakley''': Trust me, this is not gonna end well! :''[back to Jumba and Stitch]'' :'''Jumba''': 1 potato! :'''Stitch''': 2 potato! :'''Jumba''': 3 potato! :'''Stitch''': 4! :'''Jumba''': 5 potato! :'''Stitch''': 6 potato! :'''Jumba''': 7 potato, more! :'''Stitch''': My...! :'''Jumba''': mother...! :'''Stitch''': told...! :'''Jumba''': me...! :'''Stitch''': you...! :'''Jumba''': Are...! :'''Stitch''': It! :'''Jumba''': Ha!!!! I win!! :''[The gun explodes; destroying Lilo's house]'' == Taglines == *There's one in every family. *His name is Stitch. *Meet Stitch. This Summer, He's Coming to OUR Planet. *He's coming to our galaxy. *On June 21, The tradition is under attack. * May the Stitch be with you. ==Cast== * [[w:Daveigh Chase|Daveigh Chase]] — Lilo Pelekai * [[w:Chris Sanders|Christopher Michael Sanders]] — [[w:Stitch (Lilo & Stitch)|Stitch]] * [[w:Tia Carrere|Tia Carrere]] — Nani Pelekai * [[w:David Ogden Stiers|David Ogden Stiers]] — Dr. Jumba Jookiba * [[w:Kevin McDonald|Kevin McDonald]] — Agent Wendy Pleakley * [[w:Ving Rhames|Ving Rhames]] — Cobra Bubbles * [[w:Kevin Michael Richardson|Kevin M. Richardson]] — Captain Gantu * [[w:Zoe Caldwell|Zoe Caldwell]] — The Grand Councilwoman * [[w:Jason Scott Lee|Jason Scott Lee]] — David Kawena ==See also== * ''[[Disney's Stitch: Experiment 626]]'', a 2002 prequel video game * ''[[Leroy & Stitch]]'' * ''[[Lilo & Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch]]'' * ''[[How to Train Your Dragon (film)|How to Train Your Dragon]]'', a 2010 DreamWorks Animation film also written and directed by Chris Sanders and Dean DeBlois * ''[[The Croods]]'', a 2013 DreamWorks Animation film also written and directed by Chris Sanders ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} {{commons}} * {{imdb title|0275847}} [[Category:2002 films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Lilo & Stitch]] [[Category:Films about children]] [[Category:Films about dysfunctional families]] [[Category:Films about sisters]] [[Category:Films set on islands]] [[Category:Films set in Hawaii]] [[Category:Chris Sanders films]] [[Category:Animated films about extraterrestrial life]] a0d0d0gx5j067qkon9t5sxf5rn6899j 3157872 3157870 2022-08-25T16:19:33Z 72.90.183.138 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- [[Lilo & Stitch|Pilot film]] | '''Seasons''': [[Lilo & Stitch: The Series (season 1)|1]] [[Lilo & Stitch: The Series (season 2)|2]] | [[Leroy & Stitch|Finale film]] | [[Lilo & Stitch: The Series|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Lilo & Stitch|Lilo & Stitch]]''''' is a [[w:2002 in film|2002]] American [[w:animation|animated]] [[w:comedy film|comedy]]-[[w:drama film|drama]] [[w:adventure film|adventure film]] released by Walt Disney Pictures on June 21, 2002, about a Hawaiian girl who adopts an unusual pet who is actually a notorious extraterrestrial fugitive from the law. Home Video was released on December 1 and 3, 2002. :''Written and directed by [[w:Chris Sanders (director)|Chris Sanders]] and [[w:Dean DeBlois|Dean DeBlois]].'' == Dialogue == :''[In Jumba's cell after Experiment 6-2-6 has escaped]'' :'''Jumba''': ''[chuckles]'' He got away? :'''Grand Councilwoman''': I'm sure this comes as no surprise to you. :'''Jumba''': I designed this creature for it to be unstoppable. :'''Grand Councilwoman''': Which is precisely why you must now bring him back! :'''Jumba''': What, me? :'''Grand Councilwoman''': And to reward you, we are willing to trade your freedom for his capture. :'''Jumba''': ''[sighs]'' 6-2-6 will not come easily... Maybe direct hit from plasma-cannon might stun him long enough to-- :'''Grand Councilwoman''': ''[interrupting, exasperated]'' Plasma-cannon granted. Do we have a bargain, Dr. Jumba? :'''Jumba''': ''[grunts and nods]'' :'''Pleakley''': B-b-but it's a delicate planet! Who's going to control him? :'''Grand Councilwoman''': You will. ''[leaves]'' :'''Pleakley''': Very good, your highness. I... I didn’t quite. Uh, you’re not joking. :'''Jumba''': So, tell me my little one eyed one on what poor pitiful defenseless planet, has my monstrosity been unleashed? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Lilo Pelekai shows up to hula dance class late, soaking wet, Mertle Edmonds, Elena, Teresa and Yuki slip in the puddles, one by one.]'' :'''Moses Puloki''': Stop, stop. Lilo, why are you all wet? :'''Lilo''': It's sandwich day. :''[Moses looks confused]'' :'''Lilo''': ''[sighs]'' Every Thursday, I take Pudge the fish a peanut butter sandwich. :'''Moses''': ''[still confused]'' Pudge is a fish? :'''Lilo''': ''[continues]'' And today we were out of peanut butter! So I asked my sister what to give him, and she said a tuna sandwich!! I can't give Pudge tuna! ''[Whispers]'' Do you know what tuna is? :'''Moses''': Fish? :'''Lilo''': It's fish! If I gave Pudge tuna, I'd be an abomination! I'm late because I had to go to the store, and get peanut butter, 'cause all we have is... is... is stinkin' tuna! :'''Moses''': Lilo, Lilo. Why is this so important? :'''Lilo''': ''[seriously]'' Pudge controls the weather. :''[Everyone exchanges surprised looks]'' :'''Myrtle:''' You're crazy. :''[Lilo furiously starts jumping on Myrtle, angrily punching her in the face and kicking her, then the other girls gather around screaming and Moses picks up Lilo.]'' :'''Moses''': Please! Please! Everybody calm down! :''[Myrtle cries]'' :'''Moses''': Girls.... ''[recites "It doesn't matter" in Hawaiian]'' Shh. Don't cry, Myrtle. Lilo.... :'''Lilo''': I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I won't do it again! :'''Moses''': Maybe we should call your sister. :'''Lilo''': No! I'll be good! I want to dance. I practiced. I just want to dance. I practiced. :''[Pause]'' :'''Mertle''': Ooh, she bit me. :'''Elena, Teresa, and Yuki''': Eww! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nani''': ''[Lilo shrieks while being chased and licks her sister's arm]'' Ew! Lilo! ''[stops, and points herself to the laundry room. She sets the blanket on the floor, and climbs up the box. Lilo quietly comes out before getting caught and brought back to the hallway while snarling]'' Why didn't you wait at the school?! You were supposed to wait to ''there.'' ''Lilo?!'' Do you not understand?! Do you want to taken away?! Answer me! :'''Lilo''': No! :'''Nani''': No, you don't understand? :'''Lilo''': No! :'''Nani''': "No", what? :'''Lilo''': No! ''[hits the floor]'' :'''Nani''': ''[groans]'' Why do you 12th grade easier all. You're such a pain! :'''Lilo''': So why don't you sell me and buy a rabbit instead?! :'''Nani''': At least a rabbit would behave better than you! :'''Lilo''': Go ahead! Then you'll be happy! Because it'll be smarter than me, too! :'''Nani''': And quieter! :'''Lilo''': You'll like it, 'cause it's stinky like you! ''[enters her bedroom and shuts the door]'' :'''Nani''': '''''GO TO YOUR ROOOOOOOOOOMM!!!!!!''''' :'''Lilo''': ''[opens door]'' I'm already in my room!! ''[shuts the door again]'' :''[Both sisters scream into their pillows]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later]'' :'''Nani''': Hey, I brought you some pizza. In case you’re hungry. :'''Lilo''': We’re a broken family, aren’t we? :'''Nani''': No. Maybe a little. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lilo''': ''[trying to push Nani out of her room]'' Can't you go any faster? :'''Nani''': ''[leaning back]'' Oh, no! Gravity is increasing on me! :'''Lilo''': No, it's not! :'''Nani''': Is too, Lilo. The same thing happened yesterday. ''[falls on top of Lilo]'' :'''Lilo''': You rotten sister, your butt is crushing me! Why do you act so weird? ''[shuts the door on her sister's head]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nani and Lilo are at an animal shelter looking for a pet dog.]'' :'''Nani''': ''[to shelter worker]'' We're looking for something that can defend itself... something that won't die, something... sturdy, you know? :'''Lilo''': Like a lobster! :'''Nani''': Lilo, you lolo! Do we have a lobster door? No, we have a dog door. We are getting a dog. :''[6-2-6 sneaks out of the shelter, ducked from aiming plasma gun]'' :'''Jumba''': Ha-ha! So nice to see your pretty face again! :'''6-2-6''': Jumba? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lilo''': Hi. :'''6-2-6''': Hoo, ha… Hi. ''[hugs her]'' :'''Lilo''': Wow! :''[Lilo comes back to the lobby with 6-2-6]'' :'''Shelter Worker''': Oh, yes, all our dogs are adoptable.... ''[jumps, startled]'' Except that one!!!! ''[runs and takes 6-2-6 away from Lilo as Nani pulls Lilo away from 6-2-6]'' :'''Nani''': What is that thing?! :'''Shelter Worker''': A dog.... I think, but it was dead this morning! :'''Nani''': It was dead this morning?!?! :'''Shelter Worker''': Well, we thought it was dead, it was hit by a truck!! :'''Lilo''': I like him!! Come here, boy! :''[6-2-6 forcefully, against the shelter worker's grip, walks himself forward to get to Lilo as she so called him to her, climbing up onto Nani and Lilo's laps]'' :'''Nani''': ''[screams and pushes 6-2-6 away from her and Lilo; she composes herself and asks]'' Wouldn't you like a different dog? :'''Shelter Worker''': ''[a bit breathless]'' We have better dogs, dear. :'''Lilo''': Not better than him! He can talk. Say hello. :'''6-2-6''': Hel... Hel... :'''Shelter Worker''': Dogs can't talk, dear. :''[6-2-6 narrows his eyes and bares his teeth in frustration]'' :'''Lilo''': He did! :'''Nani''': Does it have to be this dog?! :''[6-2-6 pants a few times before lolling his tongue out, sticking it up his nose and pulling out a big green bogie, eating it, smacking his lips]'' :'''Lilo''': Yes. He's good. I can tell. :'''Shelter Worker''': ''[filling out paperwork at the front desk]'' You'll have to think of a name for him. :'''Lilo''': His name is... Stitch. :''[Standing on a chair, 6-2-6, now named Stitch, looks out the window]'' :'''Shelter Worker''': That's not a real name. ''[Nani shakes her head quickly and waves her hand as if saying 'No! Don't say that!']'' ... in... Iceland. But here it's a good name. Stitch, it is. And there's a $2.00 license fee. :'''Lilo''': I want to buy him! ''[whispers]'' Can I borrow $2? :''[With a semi-irritated look, Nani takes the money from the shelter worker and hands it to Lilo. Lilo then taps the money on her shoulder and hands it back to her, handing it to the shelter worker]'' :'''Shelter Worker''': ''[stamps the adoption papers and hands the paper to Lilo with a friendly smile]'' He's all yours. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lilo''': Don't leave me, okay? :'''Stitch''': OK. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grand Councilwoman''': You?! You're the cause of all this!! If it wasn't for Experiment 6-2-6, none of this- :'''Stitch''': ''[interrupting]'' Stitch! :'''Grand Councilwoman''': What? :'''Stitch''': My name is Stitch. :'''Grand Councilwoman''': Stitch, then. If it wasn't for Stitch- ''[realizes what just happened, turns back to Stitch]'' :'''Stitch''': Does Stitch have to go in the ship? :'''Grand Councilwoman''': ''[shocked, hesitant]'' ...Yes. :'''Stitch''': Can Stitch say goodbye? :'''Grand Councilwoman''': Yes. :'''Stitch''': Thank you. ''[walks over to Nani and Lilo]'' :'''Grand Councilwoman''': ''[looks at Nani and Lilo]'' Who are you? :'''Stitch''': This is my family. I found it all on my own. It's little and broken, but still good. Yeah. Still good. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cobra Bubbles''': [whispering] Lilo. Didn't you find that thing at a shelter? :'''Lilo''': Hey! Three days ago, I bought Stitch at the shelter. I paid two dollars for him. See this stamp? I own him. If you take him, you're stealing. :'''Cobra Bubbles''': Aliens are all about rules. :'''Grand Councilwoman''': You look familiar. :'''Cobra Bubbles''': CIA. Roswell. 1973. :'''Grand Councilwoman''': Ah, yes. You had hair then. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stitch grabs Jumba's plasma gun, but Jumba plugs it with a carrot]'' :'''Jumba''': You shouldn't play with guns. :'''Stitch''': ''[giving it to him]'' Oh, okay. :'''Jumba''': Thank you. ''[hears the gun beeping, realizes it's overloading and throws it back to Stitch]'' Oh, uh, I just remembered, it's your birthday! Happy birthday! :'''Stitch''': ''[throws it to him]'' Err, Merry Christmas! :'''Jumba''': ''[throws it back]'' It's not Christmas! :'''Stitch''': ''[throws it back]'' Happy Hanukah! :''[as Jumba and Stitch play hot potato with the overloading gun, Pleakley grabs Lilo and runs out of the house]'' :'''Jumba''': ''[in background, overlapped by Lilo]'' It's not Hanukah! :'''Lilo''': We're leaving Stitch?! :'''Pleakley''': Trust me, this is not gonna end well! :''[back to Jumba and Stitch]'' :'''Jumba''': 1 potato! :'''Stitch''': 2 potato! :'''Jumba''': 3 potato! :'''Stitch''': 4! :'''Jumba''': 5 potato! :'''Stitch''': 6 potato! :'''Jumba''': 7 potato, more! :'''Stitch''': My...! :'''Jumba''': mother...! :'''Stitch''': told...! :'''Jumba''': me...! :'''Stitch''': you...! :'''Jumba''': Are...! :'''Stitch''': It! :'''Jumba''': Ha!!!! I win!! :''[The gun explodes; destroying Lilo's house]'' == Taglines == *There's one in every family. *His name is Stitch. *Meet Stitch. This Summer, He's Coming to OUR Planet. *He's coming to our galaxy. *On June 21, The tradition is under attack. * May the Stitch be with you. ==Cast== * [[w:Daveigh Chase|Daveigh Chase]] — Lilo Pelekai * [[w:Chris Sanders|Christopher Michael Sanders]] — [[w:Stitch (Lilo & Stitch)|Stitch]] * [[w:Tia Carrere|Tia Carrere]] — Nani Pelekai * [[w:David Ogden Stiers|David Ogden Stiers]] — Dr. Jumba Jookiba * [[w:Kevin McDonald|Kevin McDonald]] — Agent Wendy Pleakley * [[w:Ving Rhames|Ving Rhames]] — Cobra Bubbles * [[w:Kevin Michael Richardson|Kevin M. Richardson]] — Captain Gantu * [[w:Zoe Caldwell|Zoe Caldwell]] — The Grand Councilwoman * [[w:Jason Scott Lee|Jason Scott Lee]] — David Kawena ==See also== * ''[[Disney's Stitch: Experiment 626]]'', a 2002 prequel video game * ''[[Leroy & Stitch]]'' * ''[[Lilo & Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch]]'' * ''[[How to Train Your Dragon (film)|How to Train Your Dragon]]'', a 2010 DreamWorks Animation film also written and directed by Chris Sanders and Dean DeBlois * ''[[The Croods]]'', a 2013 DreamWorks Animation film also written and directed by Chris Sanders ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} {{commons}} * {{imdb title|0275847}} [[Category:2002 films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Lilo & Stitch]] [[Category:Films about children]] [[Category:Films about dysfunctional families]] [[Category:Films about sisters]] [[Category:Films set on islands]] [[Category:Films set in Hawaii]] [[Category:Chris Sanders films]] [[Category:Animated films about extraterrestrial life]] p6van4emek1udjapenmxcjefatk1sqe 3157874 3157872 2022-08-25T16:21:03Z 72.90.183.138 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- [[Lilo & Stitch|Pilot film]] | '''Seasons''': [[Lilo & Stitch: The Series (season 1)|1]] [[Lilo & Stitch: The Series (season 2)|2]] | [[Leroy & Stitch|Finale film]] | [[Lilo & Stitch: The Series|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Lilo & Stitch|Lilo & Stitch]]''''' is a [[w:2002 in film|2002]] American [[w:animation|animated]] [[w:comedy film|comedy]]-[[w:drama film|drama]] [[w:adventure film|adventure film]] released by Walt Disney Pictures on June 21, 2002, about a Hawaiian girl who adopts an unusual pet who is actually a notorious extraterrestrial fugitive from the law. Home Video was released on December 1 and 3, 2002. :''Written and directed by [[w:Chris Sanders (director)|Chris Sanders]] and [[w:Dean DeBlois|Dean DeBlois]].'' == Dialogue == :''[In Jumba's cell after Experiment 6-2-6 has escaped]'' :'''Jumba''': ''[chuckles]'' He got away? :'''Grand Councilwoman''': I'm sure this comes as no surprise to you. :'''Jumba''': I designed this creature for it to be unstoppable. :'''Grand Councilwoman''': Which is precisely why you must now bring him back! :'''Jumba''': What, me? :'''Grand Councilwoman''': And to reward you, we are willing to trade your freedom for his capture. :'''Jumba''': ''[sighs]'' 6-2-6 will not come easily... Maybe direct hit from plasma-cannon might stun him long enough to-- :'''Grand Councilwoman''': ''[interrupting, exasperated]'' Plasma-cannon granted. Do we have a bargain, Dr. Jumba? :'''Jumba''': ''[grunts and nods]'' :'''Pleakley''': B-b-but it's a delicate planet! Who's going to control him? :'''Grand Councilwoman''': You will. ''[leaves]'' :'''Pleakley''': Very good, your highness. I... I didn’t quite. Uh, you’re not joking. :'''Jumba''': So, tell me my little one eyed one on what poor pitiful defenseless planet, has my monstrosity been unleashed? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Lilo Pelekai shows up to hula dance class late, soaking wet, Mertle Edmonds, Elena, Teresa and Yuki slip in the puddles, one by one.]'' :'''Moses Puloki''': Stop, stop. Lilo, why are you all wet? :'''Lilo''': It's sandwich day. :''[Moses looks confused]'' :'''Lilo''': ''[sighs]'' Every Thursday, I take Pudge the fish a peanut butter sandwich. :'''Moses''': ''[still confused]'' Pudge is a fish? :'''Lilo''': ''[continues]'' And today we were out of peanut butter! So I asked my sister what to give him, and she said a tuna sandwich!! I can't give Pudge tuna! ''[Whispers]'' Do you know what tuna is? :'''Moses''': Fish? :'''Lilo''': It's fish! If I gave Pudge tuna, I'd be an abomination! I'm late because I had to go to the store, and get peanut butter, 'cause all we have is... is... is stinkin' tuna! :'''Moses''': Lilo, Lilo. Why is this so important? :'''Lilo''': ''[seriously]'' Pudge controls the weather. :''[Everyone exchanges surprised looks]'' :'''Myrtle:''' You're crazy. :''[Lilo furiously starts jumping on Myrtle, angrily punching her in the face and kicking her, then the other girls gather around screaming and Moses picks up Lilo.]'' :'''Moses''': Please! Please! Everybody calm down! :''[Myrtle cries]'' :'''Moses''': Girls.... ''[recites "It doesn't matter" in Hawaiian]'' Shh. Don't cry, Myrtle. Lilo.... :'''Lilo''': I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I won't do it again! :'''Moses''': Maybe we should call your sister. :'''Lilo''': No! I'll be good! I want to dance. I practiced. I just want to dance. I practiced. :''[Pause]'' :'''Mertle''': Ooh, she bit me. :'''Elena, Teresa, and Yuki''': Eww! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nani''': ''[Lilo shrieks while being chased and licks her sister's arm]'' Ew! Lilo! ''[stops, and points herself to the laundry room. She sets the blanket on the floor, and climbs up the box. Lilo quietly comes out before getting caught and brought back to the hallway while snarling]'' Why didn't you wait at the school?! You were supposed to wait to ''there.'' ''Lilo?!'' Do you not understand?! Do you want to taken away?! Answer me! :'''Lilo''': No! :'''Nani''': No, you don't understand? :'''Lilo''': No! :'''Nani''': "No", what? :'''Lilo''': No! ''[hits the floor, mumbling]'' :'''Nani''': ''[groans]'' You're such a pain! :'''Lilo''': So why don't you sell me and buy a rabbit instead?! :'''Nani''': At least a rabbit would behave better than you! :'''Lilo''': Go ahead! Then you'll be happy! Because it'll be smarter than me, too! :'''Nani''': And quieter! :'''Lilo''': You'll like it, 'cause it's stinky like you! ''[enters her bedroom and shuts the door]'' :'''Nani''': '''''GO TO YOUR ROOOOOOOOOOMM!!!!!!''''' :'''Lilo''': ''[opens door]'' I'm already in my room!! ''[shuts the door again]'' :''[Both sisters scream into their pillows]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later]'' :'''Nani''': Hey, I brought you some pizza. In case you’re hungry. :'''Lilo''': We’re a broken family, aren’t we? :'''Nani''': No. Maybe a little. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lilo''': ''[trying to push Nani out of her room]'' Can't you go any faster? :'''Nani''': ''[leaning back]'' Oh, no! Gravity is increasing on me! :'''Lilo''': No, it's not! :'''Nani''': Is too, Lilo. The same thing happened yesterday. ''[falls on top of Lilo]'' :'''Lilo''': You rotten sister, your butt is crushing me! Why do you act so weird? ''[shuts the door on her sister's head]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nani and Lilo are at an animal shelter looking for a pet dog.]'' :'''Nani''': ''[to shelter worker]'' We're looking for something that can defend itself... something that won't die, something... sturdy, you know? :'''Lilo''': Like a lobster! :'''Nani''': Lilo, you lolo! Do we have a lobster door? No, we have a dog door. We are getting a dog. :''[6-2-6 sneaks out of the shelter, ducked from aiming plasma gun]'' :'''Jumba''': Ha-ha! So nice to see your pretty face again! :'''6-2-6''': Jumba? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lilo''': Hi. :'''6-2-6''': Hoo, ha… Hi. ''[hugs her]'' :'''Lilo''': Wow! :''[Lilo comes back to the lobby with 6-2-6]'' :'''Shelter Worker''': Oh, yes, all our dogs are adoptable.... ''[jumps, startled]'' Except that one!!!! ''[runs and takes 6-2-6 away from Lilo as Nani pulls Lilo away from 6-2-6]'' :'''Nani''': What is that thing?! :'''Shelter Worker''': A dog.... I think, but it was dead this morning! :'''Nani''': It was dead this morning?!?! :'''Shelter Worker''': Well, we thought it was dead, it was hit by a truck!! :'''Lilo''': I like him!! Come here, boy! :''[6-2-6 forcefully, against the shelter worker's grip, walks himself forward to get to Lilo as she so called him to her, climbing up onto Nani and Lilo's laps]'' :'''Nani''': ''[screams and pushes 6-2-6 away from her and Lilo; she composes herself and asks]'' Wouldn't you like a different dog? :'''Shelter Worker''': ''[a bit breathless]'' We have better dogs, dear. :'''Lilo''': Not better than him! He can talk. Say hello. :'''6-2-6''': Hel... Hel... :'''Shelter Worker''': Dogs can't talk, dear. :''[6-2-6 narrows his eyes and bares his teeth in frustration]'' :'''Lilo''': He did! :'''Nani''': Does it have to be this dog?! :''[6-2-6 pants a few times before lolling his tongue out, sticking it up his nose and pulling out a big green bogie, eating it, smacking his lips]'' :'''Lilo''': Yes. He's good. I can tell. :'''Shelter Worker''': ''[filling out paperwork at the front desk]'' You'll have to think of a name for him. :'''Lilo''': His name is... Stitch. :''[Standing on a chair, 6-2-6, now named Stitch, looks out the window]'' :'''Shelter Worker''': That's not a real name. ''[Nani shakes her head quickly and waves her hand as if saying 'No! Don't say that!']'' ... in... Iceland. But here it's a good name. Stitch, it is. And there's a $2.00 license fee. :'''Lilo''': I want to buy him! ''[whispers]'' Can I borrow $2? :''[With a semi-irritated look, Nani takes the money from the shelter worker and hands it to Lilo. Lilo then taps the money on her shoulder and hands it back to her, handing it to the shelter worker]'' :'''Shelter Worker''': ''[stamps the adoption papers and hands the paper to Lilo with a friendly smile]'' He's all yours. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lilo''': Don't leave me, okay? :'''Stitch''': OK. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grand Councilwoman''': You?! You're the cause of all this!! If it wasn't for Experiment 6-2-6, none of this- :'''Stitch''': ''[interrupting]'' Stitch! :'''Grand Councilwoman''': What? :'''Stitch''': My name is Stitch. :'''Grand Councilwoman''': Stitch, then. If it wasn't for Stitch- ''[realizes what just happened, turns back to Stitch]'' :'''Stitch''': Does Stitch have to go in the ship? :'''Grand Councilwoman''': ''[shocked, hesitant]'' ...Yes. :'''Stitch''': Can Stitch say goodbye? :'''Grand Councilwoman''': Yes. :'''Stitch''': Thank you. ''[walks over to Nani and Lilo]'' :'''Grand Councilwoman''': ''[looks at Nani and Lilo]'' Who are you? :'''Stitch''': This is my family. I found it all on my own. It's little and broken, but still good. Yeah. Still good. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cobra Bubbles''': [whispering] Lilo. Didn't you find that thing at a shelter? :'''Lilo''': Hey! Three days ago, I bought Stitch at the shelter. I paid two dollars for him. See this stamp? I own him. If you take him, you're stealing. :'''Cobra Bubbles''': Aliens are all about rules. :'''Grand Councilwoman''': You look familiar. :'''Cobra Bubbles''': CIA. Roswell. 1973. :'''Grand Councilwoman''': Ah, yes. You had hair then. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stitch grabs Jumba's plasma gun, but Jumba plugs it with a carrot]'' :'''Jumba''': You shouldn't play with guns. :'''Stitch''': ''[giving it to him]'' Oh, okay. :'''Jumba''': Thank you. ''[hears the gun beeping, realizes it's overloading and throws it back to Stitch]'' Oh, uh, I just remembered, it's your birthday! Happy birthday! :'''Stitch''': ''[throws it to him]'' Err, Merry Christmas! :'''Jumba''': ''[throws it back]'' It's not Christmas! :'''Stitch''': ''[throws it back]'' Happy Hanukah! :''[as Jumba and Stitch play hot potato with the overloading gun, Pleakley grabs Lilo and runs out of the house]'' :'''Jumba''': ''[in background, overlapped by Lilo]'' It's not Hanukah! :'''Lilo''': We're leaving Stitch?! :'''Pleakley''': Trust me, this is not gonna end well! :''[back to Jumba and Stitch]'' :'''Jumba''': 1 potato! :'''Stitch''': 2 potato! :'''Jumba''': 3 potato! :'''Stitch''': 4! :'''Jumba''': 5 potato! :'''Stitch''': 6 potato! :'''Jumba''': 7 potato, more! :'''Stitch''': My...! :'''Jumba''': mother...! :'''Stitch''': told...! :'''Jumba''': me...! :'''Stitch''': you...! :'''Jumba''': Are...! :'''Stitch''': It! :'''Jumba''': Ha!!!! I win!! :''[The gun explodes; destroying Lilo's house]'' == Taglines == *There's one in every family. *His name is Stitch. *Meet Stitch. This Summer, He's Coming to OUR Planet. *He's coming to our galaxy. *On June 21, The tradition is under attack. * May the Stitch be with you. ==Cast== * [[w:Daveigh Chase|Daveigh Chase]] — Lilo Pelekai * [[w:Chris Sanders|Christopher Michael Sanders]] — [[w:Stitch (Lilo & Stitch)|Stitch]] * [[w:Tia Carrere|Tia Carrere]] — Nani Pelekai * [[w:David Ogden Stiers|David Ogden Stiers]] — Dr. Jumba Jookiba * [[w:Kevin McDonald|Kevin McDonald]] — Agent Wendy Pleakley * [[w:Ving Rhames|Ving Rhames]] — Cobra Bubbles * [[w:Kevin Michael Richardson|Kevin M. Richardson]] — Captain Gantu * [[w:Zoe Caldwell|Zoe Caldwell]] — The Grand Councilwoman * [[w:Jason Scott Lee|Jason Scott Lee]] — David Kawena ==See also== * ''[[Disney's Stitch: Experiment 626]]'', a 2002 prequel video game * ''[[Leroy & Stitch]]'' * ''[[Lilo & Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch]]'' * ''[[How to Train Your Dragon (film)|How to Train Your Dragon]]'', a 2010 DreamWorks Animation film also written and directed by Chris Sanders and Dean DeBlois * ''[[The Croods]]'', a 2013 DreamWorks Animation film also written and directed by Chris Sanders ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} {{commons}} * {{imdb title|0275847}} [[Category:2002 films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Lilo & Stitch]] [[Category:Films about children]] [[Category:Films about dysfunctional families]] [[Category:Films about sisters]] [[Category:Films set on islands]] [[Category:Films set in Hawaii]] [[Category:Chris Sanders films]] [[Category:Animated films about extraterrestrial life]] 0pdcbvz2yoj9yz87y5usj36a08yatlf 3157875 3157874 2022-08-25T16:24:47Z 72.90.183.138 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- [[Lilo & Stitch|Pilot film]] | '''Seasons''': [[Lilo & Stitch: The Series (season 1)|1]] [[Lilo & Stitch: The Series (season 2)|2]] | [[Leroy & Stitch|Finale film]] | [[Lilo & Stitch: The Series|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Lilo & Stitch|Lilo & Stitch]]''''' is a [[w:2002 in film|2002]] American [[w:animation|animated]] [[w:comedy film|comedy]]-[[w:drama film|drama]] [[w:adventure film|adventure film]] released by Walt Disney Pictures on June 21, 2002, about a Hawaiian girl who adopts an unusual pet who is actually a notorious extraterrestrial fugitive from the law. Home Video was released on December 1 and 3, 2002. :''Written and directed by [[w:Chris Sanders (director)|Chris Sanders]] and [[w:Dean DeBlois|Dean DeBlois]].'' == Dialogue == :''[In Jumba's cell after Experiment 6-2-6 has escaped]'' :'''Jumba''': ''[chuckles]'' He got away? :'''Grand Councilwoman''': I'm sure this comes as no surprise to you. :'''Jumba''': I designed this creature for it to be unstoppable. :'''Grand Councilwoman''': Which is precisely why you must now bring him back! :'''Jumba''': What, me? :'''Grand Councilwoman''': And to reward you, we are willing to trade your freedom for his capture. :'''Jumba''': ''[sighs]'' 6-2-6 will not come easily... Maybe direct hit from plasma-cannon might stun him long enough to-- :'''Grand Councilwoman''': ''[interrupting, exasperated]'' Plasma-cannon granted. Do we have a bargain, Dr. Jumba? :'''Jumba''': ''[grunts and nods]'' :'''Pleakley''': B-b-but it's a delicate planet! Who's going to control him? :'''Grand Councilwoman''': You will. ''[leaves]'' :'''Pleakley''': Very good, your highness. I... I didn’t quite. Uh, you’re not joking. :'''Jumba''': So, tell me my little one eyed one on what poor pitiful defenseless planet, has my monstrosity been unleashed? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Lilo Pelekai shows up to hula dance class late, soaking wet, Mertle Edmonds, Elena, Teresa and Yuki slip in the puddles, one by one.]'' :'''Moses Puloki''': Stop, stop. Lilo, why are you all wet? :'''Lilo''': It's sandwich day. :''[Moses looks confused]'' :'''Lilo''': ''[sighs]'' Every Thursday, I take Pudge the fish a peanut butter sandwich. :'''Moses''': ''[still confused]'' Pudge is a fish? :'''Lilo''': ''[continues]'' And today we were out of peanut butter! So I asked my sister what to give him, and she said a tuna sandwich!! I can't give Pudge tuna! ''[Whispers]'' Do you know what tuna is? :'''Moses''': Fish? :'''Lilo''': It's fish! If I gave Pudge tuna, I'd be an abomination! I'm late because I had to go to the store, and get peanut butter, 'cause all we have is... is... is stinkin' tuna! :'''Moses''': Lilo, Lilo. Why is this so important? :'''Lilo''': ''[seriously]'' Pudge controls the weather. :''[Everyone exchanges surprised looks]'' :'''Myrtle:''' You're crazy. :''[Lilo furiously starts jumping on Myrtle, angrily punching her in the face and kicking her, then the other girls gather around screaming and Moses picks up Lilo.]'' :'''Moses''': Please! Please! Everybody calm down! :''[Myrtle cries]'' :'''Moses''': Girls.... ''[recites "It doesn't matter" in Hawaiian]'' Shh. Don't cry, Myrtle. Lilo.... :'''Lilo''': I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I won't do it again! :'''Moses''': Maybe we should call your sister. :'''Lilo''': No! I'll be good! I want to dance. I practiced. I just want to dance. I practiced. :''[Pause]'' :'''Mertle''': Ooh, she bit me. :'''Elena, Teresa, and Yuki''': Eww! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nani''': ''[Lilo shrieks while being chased and licks her sister's arm]'' Ew! Lilo! ''[stops, and points herself to the laundry room. She sets the blanket on the floor, and climbs up the box. Lilo quietly comes out before getting caught and brought back to the hallway while snarling]'' Why didn't you wait at the school?! You were supposed to wait to ''there.'' ''Lilo?!'' Do you not understand?! Do you want to taken away?! Answer me! :'''Lilo''': No! :'''Nani''': No, you don't understand? :'''Lilo''': No! :'''Nani''': "No", what? :'''Lilo''': No! ''[hits the floor, mumbling]'' :'''Nani''': ''[groans]'' You're such a pain! :'''Lilo''': So why don't you sell me and buy a rabbit instead?! :'''Nani''': At least a rabbit would behave better than you! :'''Lilo''': Go ahead! Then you'll be happy! Because it'll be smarter than me, too! :'''Nani''': And quieter! :'''Lilo''': You'll like it, 'cause it's stinky like you! ''[enters her bedroom and shuts the door]'' :'''Nani''': '''''GO TO YOUR ROOOOOOOOOOMM!!!!!!''''' :'''Lilo''': ''[opens door]'' I'm already in my room!! ''[shuts the door again]'' :''[Both sisters scream into their pillows]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later]'' :'''Nani''': Hey, I brought you some pizza. In case you’re hungry. :'''Lilo''': We’re a broken family, aren’t we? :'''Nani''': No. Maybe a little. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Both Nani and Lilo witnessed the green light, not realizing it was the spaceship, coming towards Earth]'' :'''Lilo''': A falling star! ''[the ship crash lands]'' I call it! ''[pushing Nani]'' Get out, get out! I have to make a wish! ''[trying to push Nani out of her room]'' Can't you go any faster?! :'''Nani''': ''[leaning back]'' Oh, no! Gravity is increasing on me! :'''Lilo''': No, it's not! :'''Nani''': Is too, Lilo. The same thing happened yesterday. ''[falls on top of Lilo]'' :'''Lilo''': You rotten sister, your butt is crushing me! Why do you act so weird?! ''[shuts the door on her sister's head]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nani and Lilo are at an animal shelter looking for a pet dog.]'' :'''Nani''': ''[to shelter worker]'' We're looking for something that can defend itself... something that won't die, something... sturdy, you know? :'''Lilo''': Like a lobster! :'''Nani''': Lilo, you lolo! Do we have a lobster door? No, we have a dog door. We are getting a dog. :''[6-2-6 sneaks out of the shelter, ducked from aiming plasma gun]'' :'''Jumba''': Ha-ha! So nice to see your pretty face again! :'''6-2-6''': Jumba? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lilo''': Hi. :'''6-2-6''': Hoo, ha… Hi. ''[hugs her]'' :'''Lilo''': Wow! :''[Lilo comes back to the lobby with 6-2-6]'' :'''Shelter Worker''': Oh, yes, all our dogs are adoptable.... ''[jumps, startled]'' Except that one!!!! ''[runs and takes 6-2-6 away from Lilo as Nani pulls Lilo away from 6-2-6]'' :'''Nani''': What is that thing?! :'''Shelter Worker''': A dog.... I think, but it was dead this morning! :'''Nani''': It was dead this morning?!?! :'''Shelter Worker''': Well, we thought it was dead, it was hit by a truck!! :'''Lilo''': I like him!! Come here, boy! :''[6-2-6 forcefully, against the shelter worker's grip, walks himself forward to get to Lilo as she so called him to her, climbing up onto Nani and Lilo's laps]'' :'''Nani''': ''[screams and pushes 6-2-6 away from her and Lilo; she composes herself and asks]'' Wouldn't you like a different dog? :'''Shelter Worker''': ''[a bit breathless]'' We have better dogs, dear. :'''Lilo''': Not better than him! He can talk. Say hello. :'''6-2-6''': Hel... Hel... :'''Shelter Worker''': Dogs can't talk, dear. :''[6-2-6 narrows his eyes and bares his teeth in frustration]'' :'''Lilo''': He did! :'''Nani''': Does it have to be this dog?! :''[6-2-6 pants a few times before lolling his tongue out, sticking it up his nose and pulling out a big green bogie, eating it, smacking his lips]'' :'''Lilo''': Yes. He's good. I can tell. :'''Shelter Worker''': ''[filling out paperwork at the front desk]'' You'll have to think of a name for him. :'''Lilo''': His name is... Stitch. :''[Standing on a chair, 6-2-6, now named Stitch, looks out the window]'' :'''Shelter Worker''': That's not a real name. ''[Nani shakes her head quickly and waves her hand as if saying 'No! Don't say that!']'' ... in... Iceland. But here it's a good name. Stitch, it is. And there's a $2.00 license fee. :'''Lilo''': I want to buy him! ''[whispers]'' Can I borrow $2? :''[With a semi-irritated look, Nani takes the money from the shelter worker and hands it to Lilo. Lilo then taps the money on her shoulder and hands it back to her, handing it to the shelter worker]'' :'''Shelter Worker''': ''[stamps the adoption papers and hands the paper to Lilo with a friendly smile]'' He's all yours. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lilo''': Don't leave me, okay? :'''Stitch''': OK. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grand Councilwoman''': You?! You're the cause of all this!! If it wasn't for Experiment 6-2-6, none of this- :'''Stitch''': ''[interrupting]'' Stitch! :'''Grand Councilwoman''': What? :'''Stitch''': My name is Stitch. :'''Grand Councilwoman''': Stitch, then. If it wasn't for Stitch- ''[realizes what just happened, turns back to Stitch]'' :'''Stitch''': Does Stitch have to go in the ship? :'''Grand Councilwoman''': ''[shocked, hesitant]'' ...Yes. :'''Stitch''': Can Stitch say goodbye? :'''Grand Councilwoman''': Yes. :'''Stitch''': Thank you. ''[walks over to Nani and Lilo]'' :'''Grand Councilwoman''': ''[looks at Nani and Lilo]'' Who are you? :'''Stitch''': This is my family. I found it all on my own. It's little and broken, but still good. Yeah. Still good. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cobra Bubbles''': [whispering] Lilo. Didn't you find that thing at a shelter? :'''Lilo''': Hey! Three days ago, I bought Stitch at the shelter. I paid two dollars for him. See this stamp? I own him. If you take him, you're stealing. :'''Cobra Bubbles''': Aliens are all about rules. :'''Grand Councilwoman''': You look familiar. :'''Cobra Bubbles''': CIA. Roswell. 1973. :'''Grand Councilwoman''': Ah, yes. You had hair then. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stitch grabs Jumba's plasma gun, but Jumba plugs it with a carrot]'' :'''Jumba''': You shouldn't play with guns. :'''Stitch''': ''[giving it to him]'' Oh, okay. :'''Jumba''': Thank you. ''[hears the gun beeping, realizes it's overloading and throws it back to Stitch]'' Oh, uh, I just remembered, it's your birthday! Happy birthday! :'''Stitch''': ''[throws it to him]'' Err, Merry Christmas! :'''Jumba''': ''[throws it back]'' It's not Christmas! :'''Stitch''': ''[throws it back]'' Happy Hanukah! :''[as Jumba and Stitch play hot potato with the overloading gun, Pleakley grabs Lilo and runs out of the house]'' :'''Jumba''': ''[in background, overlapped by Lilo]'' It's not Hanukah! :'''Lilo''': We're leaving Stitch?! :'''Pleakley''': Trust me, this is not gonna end well! :''[back to Jumba and Stitch]'' :'''Jumba''': 1 potato! :'''Stitch''': 2 potato! :'''Jumba''': 3 potato! :'''Stitch''': 4! :'''Jumba''': 5 potato! :'''Stitch''': 6 potato! :'''Jumba''': 7 potato, more! :'''Stitch''': My...! :'''Jumba''': mother...! :'''Stitch''': told...! :'''Jumba''': me...! :'''Stitch''': you...! :'''Jumba''': Are...! :'''Stitch''': It! :'''Jumba''': Ha!!!! I win!! :''[The gun explodes; destroying Lilo's house]'' == Taglines == *There's one in every family. *His name is Stitch. *Meet Stitch. This Summer, He's Coming to OUR Planet. *He's coming to our galaxy. *On June 21, The tradition is under attack. * May the Stitch be with you. ==Cast== * [[w:Daveigh Chase|Daveigh Chase]] — Lilo Pelekai * [[w:Chris Sanders|Christopher Michael Sanders]] — [[w:Stitch (Lilo & Stitch)|Stitch]] * [[w:Tia Carrere|Tia Carrere]] — Nani Pelekai * [[w:David Ogden Stiers|David Ogden Stiers]] — Dr. Jumba Jookiba * [[w:Kevin McDonald|Kevin McDonald]] — Agent Wendy Pleakley * [[w:Ving Rhames|Ving Rhames]] — Cobra Bubbles * [[w:Kevin Michael Richardson|Kevin M. Richardson]] — Captain Gantu * [[w:Zoe Caldwell|Zoe Caldwell]] — The Grand Councilwoman * [[w:Jason Scott Lee|Jason Scott Lee]] — David Kawena ==See also== * ''[[Disney's Stitch: Experiment 626]]'', a 2002 prequel video game * ''[[Leroy & Stitch]]'' * ''[[Lilo & Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch]]'' * ''[[How to Train Your Dragon (film)|How to Train Your Dragon]]'', a 2010 DreamWorks Animation film also written and directed by Chris Sanders and Dean DeBlois * ''[[The Croods]]'', a 2013 DreamWorks Animation film also written and directed by Chris Sanders ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} {{commons}} * {{imdb title|0275847}} [[Category:2002 films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Lilo & Stitch]] [[Category:Films about children]] [[Category:Films about dysfunctional families]] [[Category:Films about sisters]] [[Category:Films set on islands]] [[Category:Films set in Hawaii]] [[Category:Chris Sanders films]] [[Category:Animated films about extraterrestrial life]] 9wo2893e7za0jwg6e1keped2r83p5c3 3157879 3157875 2022-08-25T16:37:40Z 72.90.183.138 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- [[Lilo & Stitch|Pilot film]] | '''Seasons''': [[Lilo & Stitch: The Series (season 1)|1]] [[Lilo & Stitch: The Series (season 2)|2]] | [[Leroy & Stitch|Finale film]] | [[Lilo & Stitch: The Series|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Lilo & Stitch|Lilo & Stitch]]''''' is a [[w:2002 in film|2002]] American [[w:animation|animated]] [[w:comedy film|comedy]]-[[w:drama film|drama]] [[w:adventure film|adventure film]] released by Walt Disney Pictures on June 21, 2002, about a Hawaiian girl who adopts an unusual pet who is actually a notorious extraterrestrial fugitive from the law. Home Video was released on December 1 and 3, 2002. :''Written and directed by [[w:Chris Sanders (director)|Chris Sanders]] and [[w:Dean DeBlois|Dean DeBlois]].'' == Dialogue == :''[In Jumba's cell after Experiment 6-2-6 has escaped]'' :'''Jumba''': ''[chuckles]'' He got away? :'''Grand Councilwoman''': I'm sure this comes as no surprise to you. :'''Jumba''': I designed this creature for it to be unstoppable. :'''Grand Councilwoman''': Which is precisely why you must now bring him back! :'''Jumba''': What, me? :'''Grand Councilwoman''': And to reward you, we are willing to trade your freedom for his capture. :'''Jumba''': ''[sighs]'' 6-2-6 will not come easily...Maybe direct hit from plasma-cannon might stun him long enough to- :'''Grand Councilwoman''': ''[interrupting, exasperated]'' Plasma-cannon granted. Do we have a bargain, Dr. Jumba? :'''Jumba''': ''[grunts and nods]'' :'''Pleakley''': B-b-but it's a delicate planet! Who's going to control him? :'''Grand Councilwoman''': You will. ''[leaves]'' :'''Pleakley''': Very good, your highness. I...I didn’t quite. Uh, you're not joking. :'''Jumba''': So, tell me my little one eyed one on what poor pitiful defenseless planet, has my monstrosity been unleashed? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Lilo Pelekai shows up to hula dance class late, soaking wet, Mertle Edmonds, Elena, Teresa and Yuki slip in the puddles, one by one]'' :'''Moses Puloki''': Stop, stop. Lilo, why are you all wet? :'''Lilo''': It's sandwich day. ''[Moses looks confused; she sighs]'' Every Thursday, I take Pudge the fish a peanut butter sandwich. :'''Moses''': ''[still confused]'' Pudge is a fish? :'''Lilo''': ''[continues]'' And today we were out of peanut butter! So I asked my sister what to give him, and she said a tuna sandwich!! I can't give Pudge tuna! ''[whispers]'' Do you know what tuna is? :'''Moses''': Fish? :'''Lilo''': It's fish! If I gave Pudge tuna, I'd be an abomination! I'm late because I had to go to the store, and get peanut butter, 'cause all we have is...is...is STINKIN' TUNA! :'''Moses''': Lilo, Lilo. Why is this so important? :'''Lilo''': ''[seriously]'' Pudge controls the weather. :''[Everyone exchanges surprised looks]'' :'''Myrtle:''' You're crazy. :''[Lilo furiously starts jumping on Myrtle, angrily punching her in the face and kicking her, then the other girls gather around screaming]'' :'''Moses''': ''[picking up Lilo]'' Please! Please! Everybody calm down! ''[puts her down; Myrtle cries]'' Girls... ''[recites "It doesn't matter" in Hawaiian]'' Shh. Don't cry, Myrtle. Lilo... :'''Lilo''': I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I won't do it again! :'''Moses''': Maybe we should call your sister. :'''Lilo''': No! I'll be good! I want to dance. I practiced. I just want to dance. I practiced. :''[Pause]'' :'''Mertle''': Ooh, she bit me. :'''Elena, Teresa, and Yuki''': Eww! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nani''': ''[Lilo shrieks while being chased and licks her sister's arm]'' Ew! Lilo! ''[stops, and points herself to the laundry room. She sets the blanket on the floor, and climbs up the box. Lilo quietly comes out before getting caught and brought back to the hallway while snarling]'' Why didn't you wait at the school?! You were supposed to wait to ''there.'' ''Lilo?!'' Do you not understand?! Do you want to taken away?! Answer me! :'''Lilo''': No! :'''Nani''': No, you don't understand? :'''Lilo''': No! :'''Nani''': "No", what? :'''Lilo''': No! ''[hits the floor, mumbling]'' :'''Nani''': ''[groans]'' You're such a pain! :'''Lilo''': So why don't you sell me and buy a rabbit instead?! :'''Nani''': At least a rabbit would behave better than you! :'''Lilo''': Go ahead! Then you'll be happy! Because it'll be smarter than me, too! :'''Nani''': And quieter! :'''Lilo''': You'll like it, 'cause it's stinky like you! ''[enters her bedroom and shuts the door]'' :'''Nani''': '''''GO TO YOUR ROOOOOOOOOOMM!!!!!!''''' :'''Lilo''': ''[opens door]'' I'm already in my room!! ''[shuts the door again]'' :''[Both sisters scream into their pillows]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later]'' :'''Nani''': Hey, I brought you some pizza. In case you’re hungry. :'''Lilo''': We’re a broken family, aren’t we? :'''Nani''': No. Maybe a little. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Both Nani and Lilo witnessed the green light, not realizing it was the spaceship, coming towards Earth]'' :'''Lilo''': A falling star! ''[the ship crash lands]'' I call it! ''[pushing Nani]'' Get out, get out! I have to make a wish! ''[trying to push Nani out of her room]'' Can't you go any faster?! :'''Nani''': ''[leaning back]'' Oh, no! Gravity is increasing on me! :'''Lilo''': No, it's not! :'''Nani''': Is too, Lilo. The same thing happened yesterday. ''[falls on top of Lilo]'' :'''Lilo''': You rotten sister, your butt is crushing me! Why do you act so weird?! ''[shuts the door on her sister's head]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nani and Lilo are at an animal shelter looking for a pet dog]'' :'''Nani''': ''[to shelter worker]'' We're looking for something that can defend itself...something that won't die, something...sturdy, you know? :'''Lilo''': Like a lobster! :'''Nani''': Lilo, you lolo! Do we have a lobster door? No, we have a dog door. We are getting a dog. :''[6-2-6 sneaks out of the shelter, ducked from aiming plasma gun]'' :'''Jumba''': ''[off-screen]'' Ha-ha! So nice to see your pretty face again! :'''6-2-6''': Jumba? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lilo''': Hi. :'''6-2-6''': Hoo, ha...Hi. ''[hugs her]'' :'''Lilo''': Wow! :''[Later, Lilo comes back to the lobby with 6-2-6]'' :'''Shelter Worker''': Oh, yes, all our dogs are adoptable... ''[jumps, startled]'' Except that one!!!! ''[runs and takes 6-2-6 away from Lilo as Nani pulls Lilo away from 6-2-6]'' :'''Nani''': What is that thing?! :'''Shelter Worker''': A dog...I think, but it was dead this morning! :'''Nani''': It was dead this morning?!?! :'''Shelter Worker''': Well, we thought it was dead, it was hit by a truck!! :'''Lilo''': I like him!! Come here, boy! :''[6-2-6 forcefully, against the shelter worker's grip, walks himself forward to get to Lilo as she so called him to her, climbing up onto Nani and Lilo's laps]'' :'''Nani''': ''[screams and pushes 6-2-6 away from her and Lilo; she composes herself and asks]'' Wouldn't you like a different dog? :'''Shelter Worker''': ''[a bit breathless]'' We have better dogs, dear. :'''Lilo''': Not better than him! He can talk! Say hello. :'''6-2-6''': Hel...Hel... :'''Shelter Worker''': Dogs can't talk, dear. :''[6-2-6 narrows his eyes and bares his teeth in frustration]'' :'''Lilo''': He did! :'''Nani''': Does it have to be this dog? :''[6-2-6 pants a few times before lolling his tongue out, sticking it up his nose and pulling out a big green bogie, eating it, smacking his lips]'' :'''Lilo''': Yes. He's good. I can tell. :'''Shelter Worker''': ''[filling out paperwork at the front desk]'' You'll have to think of a name for him. :'''Lilo''': His name is...Stitch. :''[Standing on a chair, 6-2-6, now named Stitch, looks out the window]'' :'''Shelter Worker''': That's not a real name. ''[Nani shakes her head quickly and waves her hand as if saying 'No! Don't say that!']'' ...in...Iceland. But here it's a good name. Stitch, it is. And there's a $2.00 license fee. :'''Lilo''': I want to buy him! ''[whispers]'' Can I borrow $2? :''[With a semi-irritated look, Nani takes the money from the shelter worker and hands it to Lilo. Lilo then taps the money on her shoulder and hands it back to her, handing it to the shelter worker]'' :'''Shelter Worker''': ''[stamps the adoption papers and hands the paper to Lilo with a friendly smile]'' He's all yours. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stitch grabs Jumba's plasma gun, but Jumba plugs it with a carrot]'' :'''Jumba''': You shouldn't play with guns. :'''Stitch''': ''[giving it to him]'' Oh, okay. :'''Jumba''': Thank you. ''[hears the gun beeping, realizes it's overloading and throws it back to Stitch]'' Oh, uh, I just remembered, it's your birthday! Happy birthday! :'''Stitch''': ''[throws it to him]'' Err, Merry Christmas! :'''Jumba''': ''[throws it back]'' It's not Christmas! :'''Stitch''': ''[throws it back]'' Happy Hanukah! :''[As Jumba and Stitch play hot potato with the overloading gun, Pleakley grabs Lilo and runs out of the house]'' :'''Jumba''': ''[in background, overlapped by Lilo]'' It's not Hanukah! :'''Lilo''': We're leaving Stitch?! :'''Pleakley''': Trust me, this is not gonna end well! :''[Back to Jumba and Stitch]'' :'''Jumba''': 1 potato! :'''Stitch''': 2 potato! :'''Jumba''': 3 potato! :'''Stitch''': 4! :'''Jumba''': 5 potato! :'''Stitch''': 6 potato! :'''Jumba''': 7 potato, more! :'''Stitch''': My...! :'''Jumba''': Mother...! :'''Stitch''': Told...! :'''Jumba''': Me...! :'''Stitch''': You...! :'''Jumba''': Are...! :'''Stitch''': The best! :'''Jumba''': Ha!!!! I win!! :''[The gun explodes; destroying Lilo's house]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lilo''': Don't leave me, okay?! :'''Stitch''': Okay. Okay. ''[sees the truck, determined]'' Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grand Councilwoman''': You?! You're the cause of all this!! If it wasn't for Experiment 6-2-6, none of this- :'''Stitch''': ''[interrupting]'' Stitch! :'''Grand Councilwoman''': What? :'''Stitch''': My name is Stitch. :'''Grand Councilwoman''': Stitch, then. If it wasn't for Stitch- ''[realizes what just happened, turns back to Stitch]'' :'''Stitch''': Does Stitch have to go in the ship? :'''Grand Councilwoman''': ''[shocked, hesitant]'' ...Yes. :'''Stitch''': Can Stitch say goodbye? :'''Grand Councilwoman''': Yes. :'''Stitch''': Thank you. ''[walks over to Nani and Lilo]'' :'''Grand Councilwoman''': ''[looks at Nani and Lilo]'' Who are you? :'''Stitch''': This is my family. I found it all on my own. It's little and broken, but still good. Yeah. Still good. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cobra Bubbles''': ''[whispering]'' Lilo. Didn't you find that thing at a shelter? :'''Lilo''': ''[takes out the adoption paper, and runs up to Grand Councilwoman]'' Hey! ''[Grand Councilwoman turns to her]'' Three days ago, I bought Stitch at the shelter. I paid two dollars for him. See this stamp? I own him. If you take him, you're stealing. :'''Cobra Bubbles''': Aliens are all about rules. :'''Grand Councilwoman''': Hm. You look familiar. :'''Cobra Bubbles''': CIA. Roswell. 1973. :'''Grand Councilwoman''': ''[remembers]'' Ah, yes. You had hair then. == Taglines == *There's one in every family. *His name is Stitch. *Meet Stitch. This Summer, He's Coming to OUR Planet. *He's coming to our galaxy. *On June 21, The tradition is under attack. * May the Stitch be with you. ==Cast== * [[w:Daveigh Chase|Daveigh Chase]] — Lilo Pelekai * [[w:Chris Sanders|Christopher Michael Sanders]] — [[w:Stitch (Lilo & Stitch)|Stitch]] * [[w:Tia Carrere|Tia Carrere]] — Nani Pelekai * [[w:David Ogden Stiers|David Ogden Stiers]] — Dr. Jumba Jookiba * [[w:Kevin McDonald|Kevin McDonald]] — Agent Wendy Pleakley * [[w:Ving Rhames|Ving Rhames]] — Cobra Bubbles * [[w:Kevin Michael Richardson|Kevin M. Richardson]] — Captain Gantu * [[w:Zoe Caldwell|Zoe Caldwell]] — The Grand Councilwoman * [[w:Jason Scott Lee|Jason Scott Lee]] — David Kawena ==See also== * ''[[Disney's Stitch: Experiment 626]]'', a 2002 prequel video game * ''[[Leroy & Stitch]]'' * ''[[Lilo & Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch]]'' * ''[[How to Train Your Dragon (film)|How to Train Your Dragon]]'', a 2010 DreamWorks Animation film also written and directed by Chris Sanders and Dean DeBlois * ''[[The Croods]]'', a 2013 DreamWorks Animation film also written and directed by Chris Sanders ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} {{commons}} * {{imdb title|0275847}} [[Category:2002 films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Lilo & Stitch]] [[Category:Films about children]] [[Category:Films about dysfunctional families]] [[Category:Films about sisters]] [[Category:Films set on islands]] [[Category:Films set in Hawaii]] [[Category:Chris Sanders films]] [[Category:Animated films about extraterrestrial life]] mq5kxvvi9g48lpe9ju9gyke08irapfo 0 6827 3158028 3157802 2022-08-26T00:30:19Z Eaglestorm 16205 and allow you to hold another article hostage to your whims? wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Youonlylivetwice-logo.svg|thumb|]] '''''[[w:You Only Live Twice (film)|You Only Live Twice]]''''' is a [[w:1967 in film|1967 film]], the the fifth film in the [[James Bond (film series)|James Bond series]], about Agent 007 and the Japanese secret service ninja force who must find and stop the true culprit of a series of spacejackings before nuclear war is provoked. :''Directed by [[w:Lewis Gilbert|Lewis Gilbert]]. Written by [[Roald Dahl]], based on [[w:You Only Live Twice (novel)|the novel]] by [[Ian Fleming]].'' {{center|'''Welcome to Japan, Mr. Bond.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}} == James Bond == * ''[about to make love to Helga Brandt]'' Oh the things I do for England. * ''[Coded message to headquarters after being waylaid by attack helicopters]'' Little Nelly got a hot reception. Four big shots made improper advances toward her, but she defended her honour with great success. ==Dialogue== :''[James is in bed with Ling, a Chinese woman]'' :'''Bond''': Why do Chinese girls taste different from all other girls? :'''Ling''': You think we better, huh? :'''Bond''': No, just different. Like Peking duck is different from Russian caviar. But I love them both. :'''Ling''': Darling, I give you very best duck. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moneypenny''': Oh, by the way, how was the girl? :'''Bond''': ''[turns the lamp towards her, interrogation style]'' Which girl? :'''Moneypenny''': The... uh... Chinese one we set you up with? :'''Bond''': Another few minutes and I would have found out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tiger Tanaka''': Permit me to introduce myself. I am Tanaka. Please call me Tiger. :'''Bond''': If you're Tanaka, then how do you feel about me? :'''Tanaka''': ''[the code response]'' I... love you. :'''Bond''': Well, I'm glad we got that out of the way. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bond is in a hot tub with Tiger Tanaka and four beautiful Japanese girls.]'' :'''Tiger Tanaka''': Rule number one: Never do anything yourself when someone else can do it for you. :'''Bond''': And number two? :'''Tiger Tanaka''': Rule number two: In Japan, men always come first, women come second. :'''Bond''': Really? I might just retire to here. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A car chasing Aki and Bond gets picked up by Tanaka's helicopter and gets dropped into the ocean.]'' :'''Tiger Tanaka''': How is that for Japanese efficiency? :'''Bond''': Just a drop in the ocean. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tiger is showing Bond a shooting cigarette.]'' :'''Tiger''': It can save your life, this cigarette. :'''Bond''': You sound like a commercial. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Blofeld has summoned Osato and Helga Brandt to his office]'' :'''Blofeld''': An unknown Englishman was in your office the other day. :'''Mr. Osato''': Correct, Number One. :'''Blofeld''': ''[shows X-ray image of a pistol]'' Do you know what gun this is? :'''Mr. Osato''': ''[smugly]'' Walther PPK. :'''Blofeld''': Only one person we know uses this sort of gun. ''James Bond''. :'''Mr. Osato''': ''[startled]'' But Bond is dead! :'''Helga Brandt''': It was in all the newspapers! :'''Blofeld''': Rubbish. Bond is alive, unless you killed him, Mr. Osato? Don't tell me you let him go. :'''Mr. Osato''': I gave Number 11 the strictest orders to eliminate him! :'''Blofeld''': And did she? :'''Mr. Osato''': She failed! :'''Helga Brandt''': ''[to Osato]'' You should have killed him yourself! You had plenty of opportunity! :'''Blofeld''': This organization does not tolerate failure. :'''Mr. Osato''': I know, but do you see, I... :'''Blofeld''': GO! ''[sees Osato cross a bridge and leaves room; to Helga]'' Well? ''[Helga starts across. Blofeld hits a pedal that causes the bridge bottom to drop out, sending her into the piranha-filled water]'' :'''Helga''': Aaaah! Osato! NEIIIIIIIIIIIIN!...''[disappears from sight as piranhas kill her to the shock of Osato and two Chinese emissaries]'' :'''Blofeld''': ''[addressing Osato as bridge closes back up]'' Kill Bond! Now! :'''Mr. Osato''': Yes, Number One! Yes. Yes, yes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Blofeld has an astronaut that just tried to infiltrate SPECTRE's ''Bird One'' rocket brought to him at the command center]'' :'''SPECTRE Number 3''': A new update on target vehicle has been received from computers. We now have T-minus seven minutes and counting. :'''Blofeld''': You made a mistake, my friend. No astronaut would enter the capsule, carrying his air conditioner. Remove his helmet! ''[A guard removes the astronaut's helmet, and Blofeld is surprised who the person is; Osato tries to avoid the astronaut's eyes]'' James Bond. Allow me to introduce myself. ''[Leans forward so his head is visible from behind Hans]'' I am Ernst Stavro Blofeld. They told me you were assassinated in Hong Kong. :'''Bond''': Yes, this is my second life. :'''Blofeld''': ''[Pushes Hans out of the way]'' '''You only live twice, Mr. Bond.''' :'''SPECTRE Number 4''': Target vehicle passing over central Russia. Approaching Mongolia. Track is as predicted. All computers... :'''Blofeld''': ''[Drowns out SPECTRE Number 4]'' As you see, I am about to inaugurate a little war. In a matter of hours, when America and Russia have annihilated each other, we shall see a new power dominating the world. :'''Scientist''': Target vehicle on scope. :'''Blofeld''': ''[To scientist]'' Recheck on target vehicle. ''[To guards]'' Remove his suit, and search him! :'''SPECTRE Number 3''': Reserve astronaut, ready on Bird One. == Taglines == * Welcome to Japan, Mr. Bond. * You Only Live Twice...and "TWICE" is the only way to live! == Cast == * [[Sean Connery]] - James Bond * [[w:Akiko Wakabayashi|Akiko Wakabayashi]] - Aki * [[w:Mie Hama|Mie Hama]] - Kissy Suzuki * [[w:Tetsuro Tamba|Tetsuro Tamba]] - Tiger Tanaka * [[w:Teru Shimada|Teru Shimada]] - Mr. Osato * [[w:Karin Dor|Karin Dor]] - Helga Brandt * [[w:Donald Pleasence|Donald Pleasence]] - Ernst Stavro Blofeld * [[w:Bernard Lee|Bernard Lee]] - M * [[w:Lois Maxwell|Lois Maxwell]] - Miss Moneypenny * [[w:Desmond Llewelyn|Desmond Llewelyn]] - Q ==External links== {{wikipedia|You Only Live Twice (film)}} * {{imdb title|id=0062512 |title=You Only Live Twice}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=you_only_live_twice |title=You Only Live Twice}} [[Category:1967 films]] [[Category:Action films]] [[Category:British films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:James Bond 007]] [[Category:Nuclear weapons in media]] [[Category:Martial arts films]] [[Category:Screenplays by Roald Dahl]] [[Category:Films about terrorism]] [[de:Man lebt nur zweimal]] [[it:Agente 007 - Si vive solo due volte]] scnzrbllmozwnu9cnq9ehk6tcako58r 3158055 3158028 2022-08-26T03:39:54Z Dronebogus 3078761 This does nothing to the “quote limit”, if you edit war this you’re just engaging in petty [[W:WP:OWN]]ership wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Youonlylivetwice-logo.svg|thumb| Oh the things I do for England.]] '''''[[w:You Only Live Twice (film)|You Only Live Twice]]''''' is a [[w:1967 in film|1967 film]], the the fifth film in the [[James Bond (film series)|James Bond series]], about Agent 007 and the Japanese secret service ninja force who must find and stop the true culprit of a series of spacejackings before nuclear war is provoked. :''Directed by [[w:Lewis Gilbert|Lewis Gilbert]]. Written by [[Roald Dahl]], based on [[w:You Only Live Twice (novel)|the novel]] by [[Ian Fleming]].'' {{center|'''Welcome to Japan, Mr. Bond.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}} == James Bond == * ''[about to make love to Helga Brandt]'' Oh the things I do for England. * ''[Coded message to headquarters after being waylaid by attack helicopters]'' Little Nelly got a hot reception. Four big shots made improper advances toward her, but she defended her honour with great success. ==Dialogue== :''[James is in bed with Ling, a Chinese woman]'' :'''Bond''': Why do Chinese girls taste different from all other girls? :'''Ling''': You think we better, huh? :'''Bond''': No, just different. Like Peking duck is different from Russian caviar. But I love them both. :'''Ling''': Darling, I give you very best duck. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moneypenny''': Oh, by the way, how was the girl? :'''Bond''': ''[turns the lamp towards her, interrogation style]'' Which girl? :'''Moneypenny''': The... uh... Chinese one we set you up with? :'''Bond''': Another few minutes and I would have found out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tiger Tanaka''': Permit me to introduce myself. I am Tanaka. Please call me Tiger. :'''Bond''': If you're Tanaka, then how do you feel about me? :'''Tanaka''': ''[the code response]'' I... love you. :'''Bond''': Well, I'm glad we got that out of the way. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bond is in a hot tub with Tiger Tanaka and four beautiful Japanese girls.]'' :'''Tiger Tanaka''': Rule number one: Never do anything yourself when someone else can do it for you. :'''Bond''': And number two? :'''Tiger Tanaka''': Rule number two: In Japan, men always come first, women come second. :'''Bond''': Really? I might just retire to here. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A car chasing Aki and Bond gets picked up by Tanaka's helicopter and gets dropped into the ocean.]'' :'''Tiger Tanaka''': How is that for Japanese efficiency? :'''Bond''': Just a drop in the ocean. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tiger is showing Bond a shooting cigarette.]'' :'''Tiger''': It can save your life, this cigarette. :'''Bond''': You sound like a commercial. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Blofeld has summoned Osato and Helga Brandt to his office]'' :'''Blofeld''': An unknown Englishman was in your office the other day. :'''Mr. Osato''': Correct, Number One. :'''Blofeld''': ''[shows X-ray image of a pistol]'' Do you know what gun this is? :'''Mr. Osato''': ''[smugly]'' Walther PPK. :'''Blofeld''': Only one person we know uses this sort of gun. ''James Bond''. :'''Mr. Osato''': ''[startled]'' But Bond is dead! :'''Helga Brandt''': It was in all the newspapers! :'''Blofeld''': Rubbish. Bond is alive, unless you killed him, Mr. Osato? Don't tell me you let him go. :'''Mr. Osato''': I gave Number 11 the strictest orders to eliminate him! :'''Blofeld''': And did she? :'''Mr. Osato''': She failed! :'''Helga Brandt''': ''[to Osato]'' You should have killed him yourself! You had plenty of opportunity! :'''Blofeld''': This organization does not tolerate failure. :'''Mr. Osato''': I know, but do you see, I... :'''Blofeld''': GO! ''[sees Osato cross a bridge and leaves room; to Helga]'' Well? ''[Helga starts across. Blofeld hits a pedal that causes the bridge bottom to drop out, sending her into the piranha-filled water]'' :'''Helga''': Aaaah! Osato! NEIIIIIIIIIIIIN!...''[disappears from sight as piranhas kill her to the shock of Osato and two Chinese emissaries]'' :'''Blofeld''': ''[addressing Osato as bridge closes back up]'' Kill Bond! Now! :'''Mr. Osato''': Yes, Number One! Yes. Yes, yes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Blofeld has an astronaut that just tried to infiltrate SPECTRE's ''Bird One'' rocket brought to him at the command center]'' :'''SPECTRE Number 3''': A new update on target vehicle has been received from computers. We now have T-minus seven minutes and counting. :'''Blofeld''': You made a mistake, my friend. No astronaut would enter the capsule, carrying his air conditioner. Remove his helmet! ''[A guard removes the astronaut's helmet, and Blofeld is surprised who the person is; Osato tries to avoid the astronaut's eyes]'' James Bond. Allow me to introduce myself. ''[Leans forward so his head is visible from behind Hans]'' I am Ernst Stavro Blofeld. They told me you were assassinated in Hong Kong. :'''Bond''': Yes, this is my second life. :'''Blofeld''': ''[Pushes Hans out of the way]'' '''You only live twice, Mr. Bond.''' :'''SPECTRE Number 4''': Target vehicle passing over central Russia. Approaching Mongolia. Track is as predicted. All computers... :'''Blofeld''': ''[Drowns out SPECTRE Number 4]'' As you see, I am about to inaugurate a little war. In a matter of hours, when America and Russia have annihilated each other, we shall see a new power dominating the world. :'''Scientist''': Target vehicle on scope. :'''Blofeld''': ''[To scientist]'' Recheck on target vehicle. ''[To guards]'' Remove his suit, and search him! :'''SPECTRE Number 3''': Reserve astronaut, ready on Bird One. == Taglines == * Welcome to Japan, Mr. Bond. * You Only Live Twice...and "TWICE" is the only way to live! == Cast == * [[Sean Connery]] - James Bond * [[w:Akiko Wakabayashi|Akiko Wakabayashi]] - Aki * [[w:Mie Hama|Mie Hama]] - Kissy Suzuki * [[w:Tetsuro Tamba|Tetsuro Tamba]] - Tiger Tanaka * [[w:Teru Shimada|Teru Shimada]] - Mr. Osato * [[w:Karin Dor|Karin Dor]] - Helga Brandt * [[w:Donald Pleasence|Donald Pleasence]] - Ernst Stavro Blofeld * [[w:Bernard Lee|Bernard Lee]] - M * [[w:Lois Maxwell|Lois Maxwell]] - Miss Moneypenny * [[w:Desmond Llewelyn|Desmond Llewelyn]] - Q ==External links== {{wikipedia|You Only Live Twice (film)}} * {{imdb title|id=0062512 |title=You Only Live Twice}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=you_only_live_twice |title=You Only Live Twice}} [[Category:1967 films]] [[Category:Action films]] [[Category:British films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:James Bond 007]] [[Category:Nuclear weapons in media]] [[Category:Martial arts films]] [[Category:Screenplays by Roald Dahl]] [[Category:Films about terrorism]] [[de:Man lebt nur zweimal]] [[it:Agente 007 - Si vive solo due volte]] kzzw5kmhbszx4vdl5rbapnt9vh7sc5q 3158107 3158055 2022-08-26T10:34:49Z Eaglestorm 16205 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Youonlylivetwice-logo.svg|thumb| Oh the things I do for England.]] '''''[[w:You Only Live Twice (film)|You Only Live Twice]]''''' is a [[w:1967 in film|1967 film]], the the fifth film in the [[James Bond (film series)|James Bond series]], about Agent 007 and the Japanese secret service ninja force who must find and stop the true culprit of a series of spacejackings before nuclear war is provoked. :''Directed by [[w:Lewis Gilbert|Lewis Gilbert]]. Written by [[Roald Dahl]], based on [[w:You Only Live Twice (novel)|the novel]] by [[Ian Fleming]].'' {{center|'''Welcome to Japan, Mr. Bond.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}} == James Bond == * ''[about to make love to Helga Brandt]'' Oh the things I do for England. * ''[Coded message to headquarters after being waylaid by attack helicopters]'' Little Nelly got a hot reception. Four big shots made improper advances toward her, but she defended her honour with great success. ==Dialogue== :''[James is in bed with Ling, a Chinese woman]'' :'''Bond''': Why do Chinese girls taste different from all other girls? :'''Ling''': You think we better, huh? :'''Bond''': No, just different. Like Peking duck is different from Russian caviar. But I love them both. :'''Ling''': Darling, I give you very best duck. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moneypenny''': Oh, by the way, how was the girl? :'''Bond''': ''[turns the lamp towards her, interrogation style]'' Which girl? :'''Moneypenny''': The... uh... Chinese one we set you up with? :'''Bond''': Another few minutes and I would have found out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tiger Tanaka''': Permit me to introduce myself. I am Tanaka. Please call me Tiger. :'''Bond''': If you're Tanaka, then how do you feel about me? :'''Tanaka''': ''[the code response]'' I... love you. :'''Bond''': Well, I'm glad we got that out of the way. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bond is in a hot tub with Tiger Tanaka and four beautiful Japanese girls.]'' :'''Tiger Tanaka''': Rule number one: Never do anything yourself when someone else can do it for you. :'''Bond''': And number two? :'''Tiger Tanaka''': Rule number two: In Japan, men always come first, women come second. :'''Bond''': Really? I might just retire to here. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A car chasing Aki and Bond gets picked up by Tanaka's helicopter and gets dropped into the ocean.]'' :'''Tiger Tanaka''': How is that for Japanese efficiency? :'''Bond''': Just a drop in the ocean. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tiger is showing Bond a shooting cigarette.]'' :'''Tiger''': It can save your life, this cigarette. :'''Bond''': You sound like a commercial. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Blofeld has summoned Osato and Helga Brandt to his office]'' :'''Blofeld''': An unknown Englishman was in your office the other day. :'''Mr. Osato''': Correct, Number One. :'''Blofeld''': ''[shows X-ray image of a pistol]'' Do you know what gun this is? :'''Mr. Osato''': ''[smugly]'' Walther PPK. :'''Blofeld''': Only one person we know uses this sort of gun. ''James Bond''. :'''Mr. Osato''': ''[startled]'' But Bond is dead! :'''Helga Brandt''': It was in all the newspapers! :'''Blofeld''': Rubbish. Bond is alive, unless you killed him, Mr. Osato? Don't tell me you let him go. :'''Mr. Osato''': I gave Number 11 the strictest orders to eliminate him! :'''Blofeld''': And did she? :'''Mr. Osato''': She failed! :'''Helga Brandt''': ''[to Osato]'' You should have killed him yourself! You had plenty of opportunity! :'''Blofeld''': This organization does not tolerate failure. :'''Mr. Osato''': I know, but do you see, I... :'''Blofeld''': GO! ''[sees Osato cross a bridge and leaves room; to Helga]'' Well? ''[Helga starts across. Blofeld hits a pedal that causes the bridge bottom to drop out, sending her into the piranha-filled water]'' :'''Helga''': Aaaah! Osato! NEIIIIIIIIIIIIN!...''[disappears from sight as piranhas kill her to the shock of Osato and two Chinese emissaries]'' :'''Blofeld''': ''[addressing Osato as bridge closes back up]'' Kill Bond! Now! :'''Mr. Osato''': Yes, Number One! Yes. Yes, yes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Blofeld has an astronaut that just tried to infiltrate SPECTRE's ''Bird One'' rocket brought to him at the command center]'' :'''SPECTRE Number 3''': A new update on target vehicle has been received from computers. We now have T-minus seven minutes and counting. :'''Blofeld''': You made a mistake, my friend. No astronaut would enter the capsule, carrying his air conditioner. Remove his helmet! ''[A guard removes the astronaut's helmet, and Blofeld is surprised who the person is; Osato tries to avoid the astronaut's eyes]'' James Bond. Allow me to introduce myself. ''[Leans forward so his head is visible from behind Hans]'' I am Ernst Stavro Blofeld. They told me you were assassinated in Hong Kong. :'''Bond''': Yes, this is my second life. :'''Blofeld''': ''[Pushes Hans out of the way]'' '''You only live twice, Mr. Bond.''' :'''SPECTRE Number 4''': Target vehicle passing over central Russia. Approaching Mongolia. Track is as predicted. All computers... :'''Blofeld''': ''[Drowns out SPECTRE Number 4]'' As you see, I am about to inaugurate a little war. In a matter of hours, when America and Russia have annihilated each other, we shall see a new power dominating the world. :'''Scientist''': Target vehicle on scope. :'''Blofeld''': ''[To scientist]'' Recheck on target vehicle. ''[To guards]'' Remove his suit, and search him! :'''SPECTRE Number 3''': Reserve astronaut, ready on Bird One. == Taglines == * Welcome to Japan, Mr. Bond. * You Only Live Twice...and "TWICE" is the only way to live! == Cast == * [[Sean Connery]] - James Bond * [[w:Akiko Wakabayashi|Akiko Wakabayashi]] - Aki * [[w:Mie Hama|Mie Hama]] - Kissy Suzuki * [[w:Tetsuro Tamba|Tetsuro Tamba]] - Tiger Tanaka * [[w:Teru Shimada|Teru Shimada]] - Mr. Osato * [[w:Karin Dor|Karin Dor]] - Helga Brandt * [[w:Donald Pleasence|Donald Pleasence]] - Ernst Stavro Blofeld * [[w:Bernard Lee|Bernard Lee]] - M * [[w:Lois Maxwell|Lois Maxwell]] - Miss Moneypenny * [[w:Desmond Llewelyn|Desmond Llewelyn]] - Q ==External links== {{wikipedia|You Only Live Twice (film)}} * {{imdb title|id=0062512 |title=You Only Live Twice}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=you_only_live_twice |title=You Only Live Twice}} [[Category:1967 films]] [[Category:Action films]] [[Category:British films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:James Bond 007]] [[Category:Nuclear weapons in media]] [[Category:Martial arts films]] [[Category:Screenplays by Roald Dahl]] [[Category:Films about terrorism]] [[de:Man lebt nur zweimal]] [[it:Agente 007 - Si vive solo due volte]] hmi327jis4245c1tzkdsqjg2m9ke2ax 0 8153 3157838 3078558 2022-08-25T13:43:36Z 199.16.220.242 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Beetlejuice logo.png|thumb]] '''''[[w:Beetlejuice|Beetlejuice]]''''' is a [[w:1988 in film|1988]] horror comedy film about two recently-deceased ghosts who enlist the help of a "bio-exorcist", Beetlejuice, to help remove a new family from their old house. :''Directed by [[w:Tim Burton|Tim Burton]]. Written by [[w:Michael McDowell (author)|Michael McDowell]], [[w:Warren Skaaren|Warren Skaaren]]. Story by Michael McDowell and [[w:Larry Wilson|Larry Wilson]].'' {{center|'''In This House... If You've Seen One Ghost... You Haven't Seen Them All.''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}} == Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice" == * ''[reading obituary]'' Ooh-la-la, what have we got here? The Maitlands. ''[laughs]'' Cute couple. Look nice and stupid, too! ''[more laughing]'' * Let's turn on the juice and see what shakes loose.<ref>https://doyouremember.com/43467/9-favorite-beetlejuice-quotes</ref> * Hey, these aren't my rules! Come to think of it, I don't have any rules! * I'm the ghost with the most, babe. * '''YOU BUNCHA LOSERS!!! YOU'RE WORKING WITH A PROFESSIONAL HERE!!!''' ''(kicks over a tree; quietly observes it for a moment)'' '''''NICE FUCKING MODEL!!!!''''' ''(grabs his crotch and squeezes it twice with a bike horn sound)'' * Attention, K-Mart shoppers! * Thank you. Thank you. that, is why I won't do two shows a night anymore babe, I won't. * Well... what do we got here tonight, kids? ''[Sees the Maitlands]'' Oooo, well, we got the, uh, Maitlands. Uh, I think, uh, they've had enough "exorcise" for tonight. ''[Mimes a golf swing and the Maitlands fall onto the floor]'' * ''[To Otho]'' Not so fast, round boy. We're gonna have some laughs! ''[Kisses Otho on the cheek and laughs]'' * We come for your daughter, Chuck. * Nobody says the "B" word. * It's showtime! * ''[calmly]'' Ah, well, I attended Juilliard, I am a graduate of the Harvard Business School, I travel quite extensively, I lived through the [[w:Black Death|Black Plague]] and I had a pretty good time during that, ''[getting aggressively more demented]'' I've seen ''[[w:The Exorcist|The Exorcist]]'' about '''167 TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT! NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY! NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK?!''' ''[calmly]'' You think I'm qualified? * ''[After his head spins]'' Don't you hate it when that happens? * I'll eat anything you want me to eat, I'll swallow anything you want me to swallow, so come on down and I'll... chew on a dog! ''(howls)'' * ''[talking to a witch doctor]'' Did you do that? Very good work. Let me ask you, how do you get them down so small? Hey look, there goes Elvis, yo king! ''[witch doctor looks away, Beetlejuice switches his ticket with witch doctor's]'' Well, guess I am next. I have an appointment with GQ in half an hour. They have been trying to get me for weeks. Some underwear thing or something. ''[annoyed with having his ticket stolen, witch doctor sprinkles shrinking powder on Beetlejuice}]'' Hey, what is going on here? ''[Beetlejuice's head gets smaller and voice becomes increasing higher]'' Hey, stop it, WHOA! ''[Beetlejuice is now with a tiny head and voice that is two octaves higher than before]'' Hey, this might be a good look for me! * It's Showtime! == Lydia Deetz== * ''[About her stepmother, Delia]'' She's sleeping with Prince Valium tonight. * My whole ''life'' is a darkroom. ''[Slowly, for effect]'' One. Big. Dark. Room. * I plan to have a stroke from the amount of MSG that's in this food. * ''[realizing that Adam and Barbara are ghosts]'' The funeral. God. You guys really are dead. == Delia Deetz== * ''[To Charles]'' I'm here with you. I will live with you in this hellhole, but I must express myself. If you don't let me gut out this house and make it my own, I will '''GO INSANE AND I WILL TAKE YOU WITH ME!!!''' == Otho Fenlock== * Don't mind her. She's still upset that someone dropped a house on her sister. == Dialogue == : '''Delia''': I can't believe we're eating Cantonese. Is there no Szechuan up here? : '''Lydia''': I plan to have a stroke from the amount of MSG that's in this food. : '''Delia''': This is our first meal in this house, so why don't we all do our little private parts to make it a pleasant one? : '''Charles''': Don't bait your mother, Pumpkin. As soon as we get settled, we'll build you a darkroom in the basement. : '''Lydia''': My whole ''life'' is a darkroom. One. Big. Dark. Room. : '''Delia''': So you were miserable in [[New York City]], and now you're going to be miserable out here in the sticks. At least someone's life hasn't been upheaved. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lydia''': ''[On the new house]'' Delia hates it. ''[sees a huge spider on a web]'' I could live here. <hr width="50%"> :'''Charles''': Pumpkin, sweetheart... [kisses her and forces her out his study room] Go help your mother. :'''Lydia''': Maybe ''you'' can relax in a haunted house, but I can't. <hr width="50%"> :'''Juno''': What's wrong? :'''Barbara''': We're very unhappy. :'''Juno''': What did you expect? You're dead. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lydia''': Are you the guys hiding out in the attic? :'''Adam''': We're ghosts! :'''Lydia''': What do you look like under there? :'''Adam''': Aren't you scared? :'''Lydia''': I'm not scared of sheets. Are you gross under there? Are you ''Night of the Living Dead'' under there? Like all bloody veins and pus? :'''Adam''': ''Night of the'' what? :'''Lydia''': ''Living Dead.'' It's a movie. :'''Barbara''': You know, if I had seen a ghost at your age I would have been scared out of my wits. :'''Adam:''' You can see us without the sheets? :'''Lydia''': Of course I can see you. :'''Adam''': Well, how is it you see us and nobody else can? :'''Lydia''': Well, I've read through that handbook for the recently deceased. It says: 'live people ignore the strange and unusual. I, myself, ''am'' strange and unusual. :'''Barbara''': You look like a regular girl to me. :'''Adam''': You've read our book? :'''Lydia''': Yeah. :'''Adam''': You can follow it? :'''Lydia''': Yeah. Why were you guys creeping around in Delia's bedroom? :'''Adam''': We were trying to scare your mother. :'''Lydia''': Stepmother. Anyway, you can't scare her. She's sleeping with Prince Valium tonight. <hr width="50%"> :'''Adam''': For instance, uh, what are your qualifications? :'''Beetlejuice''': ''[refined voice]'' Ah, well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard Business School. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the [[w:Black Death|Black Plague]] and had a pretty good time during that. ''[getting progressively more demented]'' I've seen ''[[w:The Exorcist (film)|The Exorcist]]'' about '''167 TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT! NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY!''' ''[screams]'' '''''NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK?!''''' ''[quietly]'' You think I'm qualified? :'''Adam''': Uh, what I meant is, can you be scary? :'''Beetlejuice''': Oh! I didn't know you were asking me. Can I be scary? ''[does a jerk-off gesture]'' What do ya think of this? :''(shows a hideous face to the Maitlands that only shows several tentacles from the sides to audience; both Adam and Barbara scream)'' :'''Beetlejuice''': ''[back to normal]'' You like it? <hr width="50%"> :'''Dumb Football Player #1''': Coach? Coach, where's the men's room? :'''Juno''': I'm not your coach! He survived. :'''Dumb Football Player #2''': Wait, Coach. Let me get something straight. What's our curfew around here? :'''Juno''': Will you get out of here?!? Go on, get downstairs! "Men's room" - are you kidding? Can't you read signs? :''[they come back into the office later]'' :'''Dumbest Football Player''': Coach? :'''Juno''': What? :'''Dumbest Football Player''': I don't think we survived that crash. :'''Juno''': How did you guess? <hr width="50%"> :'''Lydia:''' They don't wanna come down. :'''Delia:''' Charles... :'''Otho:''' Why not? :'''Lydia''': I think the reason is, is that they were trying to scare you away, and you didn't get scared. :'''Delia:''' Please, they're dead. It's a little late to be neurotic. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lydia''': Mr. and Mrs. Maitland? Hello? Where are you? :'''Beetlejuice''': Dead. Dead, dead, deadski. :'''Lydia''': Of course they're dead. They're ghosts. :'''Beetlejuice''': No, I mean they're gone, split, out of here, afterlife kids, deceased-ahh. :'''Lydia''': Are you a ghost too? :'''Beetlejuice''': I'm a ghost with the most, babe. ''[Gets up from his lounge chair]'' Y'know, you look like somebody I can relate to. Maybe you could help me get out of here, you know, 'cause I gotta tell you: this dead thing is- ''[Picks up and eats a beetle from the ground]'' -it's just too creepy. See, here's my problem; I got these friends on the outside I said I'd meet, y'know, and but it's the kind of thing I have to be there in person, y'know, so I was just wondering could you help me get out of here? :'''Lydia''': ''[Sighing sadly]'' I want to get ''in.'' :'''Beetlejuice''': ''[Genuinely confused]'' ...why? == About ''Beetlejuice''== * I wanted him to be pure electricity, that’s why the hair just sticks out,” Keaton said. “At my house I started creating a walk and a voice. I got some teeth. I wanted to be scary in the look and then use the voice to add a dash of goofiness that, in a way, would make it even scarier. I wanted something kind of moldy to it, too. Tim had the striped-suit idea and we added the big eyes. I think that movie will go forever because it’s 100% original. ** [[w:Michael Keaton|Michael Keaton]] [http://herocomplex.latimes.com/movies/michael-keatons-dark-memories-of-batman-and-shining-love-for-beetlejuice/ "Michael Keaton’s dark memories of ‘Batman’ and shining love for ‘Beetlejuice’", ''LA Times''], May 12, 2011. == Taglines == * In This House... If You've Seen One Ghost... You Haven't Seen Them All. * He's guaranteed to put some life, in your afterlife. * Say it once... Say it twice... But we dare you to say it THREE TIMES! * The name in laughter from the hereafter. == Cast == * [[Michael Keaton]] — Betelgeuse * [[Alec Baldwin]] — Adam Maitland * [[w:Geena Davis|Geena Davis]] — Barbara Maitland * [[w:Winona Ryder|Winona Ryder]] — Lydia Deetz * [[w:Catherine O'Hara|Catherine O'Hara]] — Delia Deetz * [[w:Jeffrey Jones|Jeffrey Jones]] — Charles Deetz * [[w:Glenn Shadix|Glenn Shadix]] — Otho * [[w:Sylvia Sidney|Sylvia Sidney]] — Juno * [[w:Dick Cavett|Dick Cavett]] — Bernard * [[w:Robert Goulet|Robert Goulet]] - Maxie Dean * [[w:Annie McEnroe|Annie McEnroe]] - Jane Butterfield ==References== {{reflist}} ==External links== *{{wikipedia-inline}} *({{Commonscat-inline}} *{{IMDb title|0094721}} [[Category:1988 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Black comedy films]] [[Category:Comedy horror films]] [[Category:Haunted house films]] [[Category:Films about death]] [[Category:Fantasy-comedy films]] [[Category:Demon films]] [[Category:Ghost films]] [[Category:Films directed by Tim Burton]] [[Category:Films set in Connecticut]] f9df26u3z2ou3hfpo9dzmrudc2biswp 0 12333 3158087 3120821 2022-08-26T05:27:03Z 219.160.181.245 /* Grant unto Him Eternal Rest */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Father Ted|Father Ted]]''''' is a situation comedy produced by Hat Trick Productions for the UK's Channel 4 and written by Arthur Mathews and [[Graham Linehan]]. It aired over three series from 21 April 1995 until 1 May 1998. == Series 1 == === Good Luck, Father Ted === :''(Father Dougal, walks in to the living room. He has shaving cream all over his face)'' :'''Father Ted''': Er.. Dougal? There's some shaving cream just there ''(points to his own face)'' :''(Dougal looks carefully at Ted's face)'' :'''Father Dougal''': No there's not Ted. No. You're grand. :'''Father Ted''': No. On You. :'''Father Dougal''': Where exactly Ted? :'''Father Ted''': Dougal it's all over the place. :''(Dougal walks over to a mirror)'' :'''Father Dougal''': How on earth did all that get there? I didn't even shave this morning! ''(Towels face)'' <hr width=50%/> :''(Dougal walks over to the window to check the weather)'' :'''Father Dougal''': ''(Smiling)'' God it's lovely out! :''(A tropical hurricane is destroying things outside)'' <hr width=50%/> :''(Dougal is excited about Funland, an annual fair on Craggy Island, which opens that afternoon'' :'''Father Dougal''': They have horse riding as well. I remember I did it last year. Well it wasn't really a horse, it was actually this ol' fella. He couldn't go very fast so I had to hit him with the whip a few times. :'''Father Ted''': How old was he? :'''Father Dougal''': I'd say he was about 80. :'''Father Ted''': And how long were you up on him? :'''Father Dougal''': About an hour? :'''Father Ted''': So you were up on an 80-year-old man's back for 60 minutes, whipping him around the place. Do you realise that image will stay with me for the rest of my life? <hr width=50%/> :''(Terry McNamee from [[w:Raidió Teilifís Éireann|Tele Eireann]] has called. They want to interview Ted for a TV program)'' :'''Terry''' ''(On the phone to Ted)'': Where is Craggy Island?. We can't find it on any maps. :''' Ted ''' ''(smiling)'': Oh no, it wouldn't be on any maps. We're not exactly New York! No, the best way to find it is to head out from Galway and go slightly north until you see the English boats with the nuclear symbol. They go very close to the island when dumping the old 'glow-in-the-dark'. <hr width=50%/> :''(Dougal is at the window looking through binoculars. Somehow he is able to see a close-up of an ants nest)'' :'''Father Dougal''': The ants are back Ted! <hr width=50%/> :''(Father Jack Hackett is dreaming of his past. It is a [[w:Photographic print toning|sepia toned]] memory of him working in a catholic girls school)'' :''(In the memory, Jack is accompanied by a nun, and is standing in front of a blackboard with "Natural Procreation" written on it)'' :'''Nun''': Girls ''(claps hands)'' Pay attention, we've got a special treat today. :''(Father Jack is looking quite lecherous)'' :'''Nun''': Father Hackett has very kindly volunteered to take you all for volleyball practice. :''(The schoolgirls roll their eyes. They know what Jack's like)'' :'''Nun''': And he's just reminded me that it's very warm today, so there'll be no need for your tracksuit tops. :''(Father Jack tries not to grin)'' <hr width=50%/> :''(After Dougal pretends to be on ''[[w:Top of the Pops|Top of the Pops]]'' using the screen from the broken TV)'' :'''Father Jack''': How did that ''gobshite'' get on the television?? <hr width=50%/> :'''Mrs Doyle''': Who's for tea? :'''Father Dougal''': Me please, Mrs Doyle! :'''Father Jack''': Tea?! [[w:Feck|Feck]]! :'''Mrs Doyle''': Now... ''(pouring Jack a cup of tea)'' ... and what do you say to a cup? :'''Father Jack''': Feck off, cup! :'''Mrs Doyle''': He loves his cup of tea! :'''Father Jack''': Feck off! :'''Mrs Doyle''': There y’go! :'''Father Jack''': ''Feck OFF!!!'' (throws his cup against the wall, breaking it to pieces) <hr width=50%/> :''(Dougal prays before going to bed. Ted is trying to sleep)'' :'''Father Dougal''': [[w:Lord's Prayer|Our Father, who art in heaven]]... :''(Dougal can't remember the next line)'' :'''Father Ted''': ''(sternly)'' Hallowed. :'''Father Dougal''': Hallowed be thy... ''(pause)'' :'''Father Ted''': Name! :'''Father Dougal''': [[w:Papa Don't Preach|Papa don't preach]]... :'''Father Ted''': Dougal, you know you can praise God in other ways. :'''Father Dougal''': Oh yeah, like that time you told me I could praise him just by leaving the room. :'''Father Ted''': Yes, that was a good one all right. <hr width=50%/> :''(As Dougal and Ted attempt to sleep)'' :'''Father Dougal''': Knock, knock! :'''Father Ted''': Who's there? :'''Father Dougal''': Father Dougal McGuire. :'''Father Ted''': Good night Dougal! <hr width=50%/> :''(Ted is recovering from a fright because he thought he saw a vision of Mary. It was actually Dougal moving a statue of Mary at the window)'' :'''Father Dougal''': Ted, I'm so sorry. It was just a joke. :'''Father Ted''': Try to avoid doing that again Dougal. I thought it was really... ''Herself''. It's the last thing I need! :'''Father Dougal''': You're right there Ted. <hr width=50%/> :''(Dougal is about to take Father Jack for a walk. Dougal asks him if he is coming too)'' :'''Father Dougal''': You're not coming yourself? :'''Father Ted''': ''(Evasively)'' No, I think I'll stay here and... pray for a while. :''(Dougal becomes suspicious)'' :'''Father Dougal''': What are you after Ted? <hr width=50%/> :''(Funland, located at the Island's field, has opened)'' :'''Announcer''': Patrons are reminded that parking facilities are unavailable. That's a reminder of the unavailability of the parking facilities. <hr width=50%/> :''Attractions at Funland include'': ::''Freak Pointing (a person sits in a chair and people point at him)'' ::''The Ladder (a standard wooden ladder that people can climb up under strict supervision)'' ::''Whirly Go Round (a circular platform that people can stand on which slowly rotates)'' ::''The Pond of Terror (an infant-sized wading pool with a plastic crocodile in it)'' ::''Goading the Fierce Man (people are encouraged to approach a large man on a step ladder)'' ::''Car Rides (people are driven around the edge of the field in a car)'' ::''Leading animals around with buckets on their head'' ::''The Spider Baby (a spider in a pram)'' ::''The Spinning Cat (a stuffed cat placed on a record player)'' ::''The Cradle of Death (people on a chair are lifted up by a crane)'' ::''Tarot Card Reading'' ::''Duck Startling (which somehow involves pigs)'' ::''The Tunnel of Goats (which is slightly dangerous to children, nurses and goats)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Tom''': (''With "I Shot JR" on T Shirt)'': Hello Father! :'''Father Ted''': Hello Tom. Tele Eireann, did you show them here? :'''Tom''': I did, yeah. But they filmed a bit of the Island first. They'll be back soon. :'''Father Ted''': Right, I'll just wait in the field. :'''Tom''': Father? :'''Father Ted''': Yes, Tom? :''(pause)'' :'''Tom''': I've killed a man. :'''Father Ted''': ''(nonchalantly)'' Did you, Tom? I'll have to talk to you about that later. I'm going to do an interview for the television! <hr width=50%/> :''(John and Mary, Craggy Island business owners, are unloading produce at their Funland stall. They hate each other)'' :'''John''': You're a fat smelly cow! :'''Mary''': Titface! Y'have a face like a pair of tits! :'''John''': At least that's one pair between us. :''(Mary attempts to stab John but Father Ted turns up, forcing them to pretend to be a happy married couple)'' <hr width=50%/> :''(Ted is annoyed that Father Dougal and Father Jack are at Funland)'' :'''Father Ted''': You're supposed to be taking Father Jack for his walk! :'''Father Dougal''': Well, um, the cliffs were closed for the rest of the day. :'''Father Ted''': How would cliffs be closed Dougal? :'''Father Dougal''': Okay, no, it wasn't that. They were gone! :'''Father Ted''': ''(disbelieving)'' The cliffs were gone? How can they just disappear? :'''Father Dougal''': Erosion. <hr width=50%/> :''(Dougal is annoyed that he has to go back home from Funland and is arguing with Ted)'' :'''Father Dougal''': Everyone else is here! :'''Father Ted''': Dougal. You're a priest. You're supposed to show some decorum. :'''Father Dougal''': ''(barely audible)'' I wish I wasn't a priest. :'''Father Ted''': ''(shocked)'' What? :'''Father Dougal''': I wish I wasn't a priest. :'''Father Ted''': ''(motions towards father Jack in the wheelchair)'' Dougal! What if Jack heard you say that? :'''Father Dougal''': He told me one time he doesn't even believe in God! <hr width=50%/> :''(Dougal wants to see a [[w:Esoteric Tarot|tarot card reader]]. Ted thinks its rubbish)'' :'''Father Dougal''': Come on, Ted. Sure it's no more peculiar than all that stuff we learned in the seminary, you know, Heaven and Hell and everlasting life and all that type of thing. You're not meant to take it seriously, Ted! <hr width=50%/> :''(Ted has drawn three consecutive death cards from the tarot deck)'' :'''Fortune Teller''': This is really weird. There's only supposed to be one in each pack! <hr width=50%/> :''(Dougal is interviewed on television, discussing the Christian faith)'' :'''Father Dougal''': So... God. Does he really exist? I mean, who knows? I don't know. Personally I don't even believe in organised religion! <hr width=50%> :''(After Father Jack wakes up and sees Dougal on the television)'' :'''Father Jack''': ''(picks up bottle of wine)'' That gobshite again! Is he never off the air?! ''(throws bottle at television)'' === Entertaining Father Stone === :''(Father Stone, Ted and Jack are in the living room. Nobody is talking)'' :'''Father Ted''': Are you sure you won't have any tea Paul? :'''Father Stone''': No, I'm fine. :''(long pause)'' :'''Father Ted''': Right. Would you like me to turn on the television? :'''Father Stone''': No thanks. I'm fine. :'''Father Ted''': Right :''(another long pause)'' :'''Father Ted''': Have you seen Father Shortall at all recently? :'''Father Stone''': No. :'''Father Ted''': I was thinking what would he be? Would he be eighty now? :'''Father Stone''': I suppose so. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Father Dougal''': ''(curious about their new guest)'' Who is it Ted? :'''Father Ted''': Now Dougal... don't over-react. :'''Father Dougal''': Fair enough. :''(Ted takes a long drag on a cigarette to calm himself)'' :'''Father Ted''': Right. ''(long pause)''. It's Father Stone. :''(Dougal faints and falls to the floor)'' :'''Father Ted''': Dougal, get up. :'''Father Dougal''': ''(gets up)'' Whoah Ted. No, not him! :'''Father Ted''': It's him all right. :'''Father Dougal''': God almighty! :'''Father Ted''': I know! :'''Father Dougal''': Why didn't you tell him not to come Ted? You said you would! You promised after the last time! :'''Father Ted''': I tried but it's like trying to talk to a wall with a mustache! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Father Ted''': It's like asking the Holy Mother to stop [[w:Ballinspittle|appearing to schoolgirls at Ballinspittle]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Father Ted''': Old women are closer to God than we'll ever be. They get to that age and they don't need the operator anymore. They've got the direct line. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Father Ted''': Father, are you awake? (''Jack wakes up to see Ted covered in a rugby outfit and a crash helmet)'' :'''Father Ted''': Father, we have a visitor. :'''Father Jack''':''(Later, Jack punches Ted out of the window)'' Feck Off! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Father Ted''': That would be quite common you know. The favourite son would become a doctor and then the idiot brother would be sent off to the priesthood. :'''Father Dougal''': Your brother is a doctor isn't he? :'''Father Ted''': Yes he is. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Father Stone is in hospital after being hit by lightning. His parents visit)'' :'''Dermot Stone''': Terrible is the word, Father. I tell you Father, terrible is too small a word, and you just look what you've done to your mother you lazy little bastard, you're useless! Now Father I'm sorry for him causing you all this trouble. God forgive me for saying this, but wouldn't it have been better if he had been killed! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Father Ted''': ''[As Jack is wheeled past on a gurney]'' There he is. What's today's emergency, Doctor? :'''Doctor''': We're not sure. I think it's a combination of [[w:Babycham|Babycham]] and [[w:Harpic|Harpic]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Father Stone is still in hospital)'' :'''Father Ted''': ''(praying at Father Stone's hospital bed)'' Please! I swear! I'll look after him for the rest of my days. Please, just do this one thing! :''(looks over at Father Stone, who has not moved)'' :'''Father Ted''': ''(prays again)'' Ah Come on! Please, please, I swear... :''(Father Stone miraculously rises out of the bed)'' :'''Father Ted''': Paul! You're back! Oh Lord it's a miracle! :''(Ted turns and calls out)'' :'''Father Ted''' Doctor! :''(Ted turns back to Father Stone)'' :'''Father Ted''': Paul, can get I you anything at all? :'''Father Stone''': ''(looks over at Ted)'' No. I'm fine. === The Passion of St Tibulus === :''(Ted, Dougal, and the visiting Father Jose Fernandez are playing Cluedo)'' :'''Father Fernandez''': ''[translated in voiceover]'' I think it was... the Reverend Green, with the knife, in the drawing room. :'''Father Ted''': Ha, those Protestants. Up to no good as usual. <hr width=50%/> :''(Bishop Brennan has arrived to give the priests an important task)'' :'''Bishop Brennan''': Well, I hope you're not doing too much damage here, huh? Jack, are you behaving yourself? :'''Father Jack''': Feck off. :'''Bishop Brennan''': What did you say?! ''[stands up]'' :'''Father Ted''': Your Grace, what brings you to these parts? Thinking of sending us back to our parishes? :'''Bishop Brennan''': Fat chance! You're here until I tell you otherwise! You think I'd let Jack back into a normal parish after the wedding he did in [[w:Athlone|Athlone]], huh?! ''[Jack grins lecherously and drools]'' :'''Father Ted''': Yes, but surely ''I'm'' alright. :'''Bishop Brennan''': No, no, no, you are here until ''all'' of that money is accounted for. :'''Father Ted''': I didn't know what happened to that money-! :'''Bishop Brennan''': Enough! You went to Las Vegas, whilst that poor child was supposed to be in [[w:Sanctuary of Our Lady of Lourdes|Lourdes]]! ''[he moves to Dougal]'' And as for this...''cabbage''! The mere idea of letting him back into the real world, after the Blackrock incident... :'''Father Ted''': Yes, that was unfortunate! :'''Bishop Brennan''': The amount of peoples' lives irreparably damaged! :'''Father Dougal''': They were only nuns. :'''Bishop Brennan''': Nuns are people too! My God, the strings I had to pull to stop the Vatican getting involved! I ''do not'' want to talk about it! I just want to get this film business over and done with! :'''Father Ted''': Film? What film? :'''Bishop Brennan''': This ''blasphemous'' film, "The Passion of St. Tibulus". Now, His Holiness has [[w:Film censorship|banned]] it, but because of some loophole, the bloody thing is showing on this godforsaken dump! :'''Father Dougal''': Oh yes, that's right. Eh, is it any good, do you know? :'''Bishop Brennan''': I don't care if it's any good or not; all I know is that we have to be seen to be making a stand against it. I have been brought back from my holiday in California to sort it out! And that's where [[w:The Three Stooges|you and Larry and Moe]] come in. :'''Father Ted''': What do you mean? :'''Bishop Brennan''': Well, I know that normally you wouldn't be able to organise a nun shoot in a nunnery, but despite that, it's up to you to make the Church's position clear. Make some kind of a protest at the cinema; even ''you'' should be able to manage that! :'''Father Dougal''': Oh, thanks very much. :'''Bishop Brennan''': Listen, this is very serious. ''Don't'' make a balls of it, right? I'll be in touch. :'''Father Ted''': Your Grace, this isn't really my area. :'''Bishop Brennan''': Nothing is your area, Crilly. You do not have an area. Unless it is some kind of '''play''' area, with sandcastles, and buckets, and spades! Now do what you're told, right?!? ''[storms out]'' :'''Father Dougal''': Bye, now. <hr width=50%/> :''(Hardly anyone has turned up to watch the film. Michael, the cinema owner, is giving an introduction)'' :'''Michael''': Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to say how we have a real treat in store for all ye fans of French cinema. :'''Old Woman''': Is it subtitled? :'''Michael''': Pardon? :'''Old Woman''': Is it subtitled or is it dubbed? :'''Michael''': It’s subtitled. :'''Old Woman''': Ah Jaysus! (leaves) <hr width=50%/> :''(Ted and Dougal are protesting outside the cinema with signs)'' :'''Father Ted''': Down with this sort of thing! :'''Father Dougal''': Careful now! <hr width=50%/> :''(Ted and Dougal discuss the film's bizarre plot)'' :'''Father Dougal''': Do you remember that bit when St. Tibulus, he tried to take that banana off the other lad? :'''Father Ted''': That wasn't a banana, Dougal. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bishop Brennan''':(''Looking inside the [[w:Clergy house|parochial house]] and spots Father Jack, asleep in his armchair) ''Jack, what the hell are you up to? Why aren't you at the film? :'''Father Jack''': Feck off! :'''Bishop Brennan''': ''What?!''What did you say?(''Jack looks at him smiling innocently)'' <hr width=50%/> :''(Bishop Brennan is angry that the protests have made the film more popular)'' :'''Bishop Brennan''': I mean, people are coming from all over the country to see the film! They're even coming from ''[[w:Gdańsk|Gdańsk]]'' to see the film! Huh? And, look at this, look at that, look! ''(Unrolls a piece of rolled paper he is holding, revealing a poster for "The Passion of St. Tibulus" with photos of Ted, Dougal and Jack apparently endorsing the film in big white stars. On top of the poster is a banner that reads ‘THE FILM THEY TRIED TO BAN’)'' :'''Bishop Brennan''': There’s you, there’s [[Forrest Gump|Forrest Gump]], and there’s Father Jack, actually, ''watching'' the film! Now there’s the turn up for the books, what? ''(laughs while Ted rolls his eyes in a worried look, meaning that Bishop Brennan is up to something. He throws the poster away behind him)'' <hr width=50%/> :''(Bishop Brennan decides he must punish them)'' :'''Bishop Brennan''': Right, now I think it would be best thing would be for ye three to continue your careers as priests-cum-film promoters outside of my jurisdiction! Huh?! Now Ted, I thought that you might like to go to America, hm? What part, do you think? :'''Father Ted''': Well, um...Las Vegas? :'''Bishop Brennan''': Oh, I'm sorry I’m sorry, did I meant ''South'' America. Oh look, see, there's a lovely little island, off the coast of [[w:Suriname|Surinam]] and, ''[starts laughing hysterically]'' they have a couple of tribes there- you're going to love this!- and they have been knocking the ''shit'' out of each other since 1907! And we have never been able to find the right man to bring them together in the spirit of Christian harmony, but I think that ''you'', are ''the'' man! :'''Father Ted''': ''[discomforted]'' Well, thanks very much-! :'''Bishop Brennan''': No need to thank me- by the way, do you know how to make arrows? :'''Father Ted''': No. :'''Bishop Brennan''': Well not to worry, not to worry. It'll come to you. ''(laughs softly before facing Dougal)'' Now, Dougal, over to you. Isn’t it funny, how, some of these places in the [[Philippines|Philippines]] can keep on going without a proper sewerage system, hm? :'''Father Dougal''': I’m right there, your Honour. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bishop Brennan''': Now, Jack, where are we gonna send ''you, huh? Jack, wake up!'' :'''Father Ted''': Bishop, I wouldn't do that! :'''Bishop Brennan''': You shut up. Jack! Wake up! :'''Father Jack''': ''[Suddenly, Jack opened his right eye, revealing his cataracted eye before violently punches Bishop Brennan in the face]'' FECK OFF! :'''Bishop Brennan''': (Now shocked and angry, along with a severe nosebleed in his nostrils) I got you all, Jack! I got you! Oh, my God! If you think this place is bad, wait ‘til you see your new parish! JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE!!! (He storms off) === Competition Time === :'''Father Ted''': ''[annoyed]'' I'll just have to go as [[Mother Teresa]] again! ''[sits down]'' :'''Father Jack''': Who are you supposed to be? :'''Father Ted''': [[Elvis]]. I'm Elvis. :'''Father Jack''': I'm Elvis. :'''Father Ted''': I know you're Elvis, Father, we're all Elvis. That's the problem! <hr width="50%"/> :''(From the quiz show which Henry Sellers hosts. The contestants appear to be clueless older women)'' :'''Henry Sellers''': What is the capital of the UK? Is it ::(a), New York ::(b), London ''(Sellers nods unsubtly)'', or ::(c), Munich? :''(Silence)'' :'''Henry Sellers''': I'll give you a clue: you live there. :''(Contestant #1 rings her buzzer)'' :'''Contestant #1''': Oh sorry, I leant on the buzzer by accident. :'''Henry Sellers''': Okay, moving on. A stitch in time saves how many? :''(Contestant #1 rings)'' :'''Contestant #1''': Oops, sorry! :''(Contestant #2 rings)'' :'''Contestant #2''': London? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Henry Sellers and Father Jack are roaming the island like animals. Ted and the police are looking for them)'' :'''Sergeant Deegan''': God, this reminds me of Vietnam. :'''Father Ted''': Were you in Vietnam, sergeant? :'''Sergeant Deegan''': Ah, no no, I mean, you know, the films. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Henry Sellers has gotten drunk and has completely lost control in the living room)'' :'''Henry Sellers''': Oh what a shower of bastards! :''(Fathers Ted, Dougal and Dunne are hiding behind an upturned couch)'' :'''Father Dunne''': Oh Lord Ted!, why did you give him a drink? :'''Father Ted''': I didn't know this would happen! :'''Father Dunne''': That's why they sacked him from that programme, he's a terrible alcoholic and he's been on the wagon now for a year, Oh my god Ted! :'''Father Ted''': How was I supposed to know? :'''Henry Sellers''': Sack me! '''SACK ME'''! I '''made''' the BBC! (sobs) I ''made'' it! :'''Father Ted''': Henry, maybe if you have a rest you'll feel better? :'''Henry Sellers''': Get away from me, priest! :'''Father Ted''': Perhaps it's time to go to bed! :'''Father Ted''': (After Henry kicks television) Good man there's nothing on anyway! :'''Henry Sellers''': Do you want a fight?! Bloody priests, sanctimonious scumbags! :'''Father Ted''': Absolutely! :'''Henry Sellers''': Made my life a bloody misery! :'''Father Ted''': Sorry about that are you sure you don't want to go to bed, we could stay up a bit longer perhaps! :'''Henry Sellers''': Oh I'm fed up of you bastards! I'm getting outta here don't you try and stop me (''smashes through window'') :'''Father Dougal''': It's true what they say isn't it, you should never meet your heroes, you'll only be disappointed! <hr width="50%"/> :''(In the dressing room after the show, Dick Byrne is there to pay Ted the lost bet)'' :'''Father Dick Byrne''': ''(Dressed in [[w:Blackface|blackface]] and [[w:Drag (clothing)|drag]] as Diana Ross)'' Five pounds Ted. ''(hands Ted money)'' :'''Father Ted''': ''(Smiles)'' Hard luck Dick. :'''Father Cyril McDuff''': ''(Dressed in blackface and drag as one of The Supremes)'' Did we not win Dick? :'''Father Ted''': ''(Mocking)'' "No we didn't win Cyril!". This year the trophy goes to Craggy Island! :''(Dougal makes faces at Cyril)'' :'''Father Ted''': Never mind. I give you every chance of winning next year. :'''Father Dick Byrne''': Do you really Ted? :'''Father Ted''': NOOOOO! :'''Father Dick Byrne''': Come on Cyril, let's go home. :'''Father Jim Johnson''': ''(enters the room drunk and muttering)'' Where's the fecking whiskey? :'''Father Dick Byrne''': Plenty of whiskey at home father! :''(Dick and Cyril lead Father Jim out the door and exit)'' :'''Father Dougal''': That Cyril McDuff's an awful [[w:Idiot|eejit]] isn't he Ted? <hr width="50%"/> :''(The show now complete, Henry Sellers relaxes)'' :'''Henry Sellers''': Oh well, since I didn't humiliate myself too much last time, I might as well have a glass of champagne. Cheers! :'''Father Ted''': Henry, no! :''[Henry drinks the glass of champagne in one gulp]'' :'''Henry Sellers''': Mmm! Don't worry, Father. Sure, if I can't celebrate tonight, then when can I, the bastards! What the hell is going on here, how dare they do this to me?! How dare they sack me! I'm Henry Sellers! I'm Henry Sellers! :''[Henry throws himself out of the window, and the sound of his voice trails off]'' :'''Father Ted''': Well, there he goes again. :'''Father Dougal''': You're right there, Ted. :'''Father Ted''': Never mind, we can look for him in the morning. === And God Created Woman === :''(Father Dougal is preparing to take Father Jack out on a walk in his wheelchair)'' :'''Mrs Doyle''': Here you are, Father. It's a beautiful day out. :'''Father Jack''': Me arse! :'''Mrs Doyle (to Father Dougal)''': Would you like him on, manual or automatic, Father? :'''Father Dougal''': Automatic, I think. It's a nice day, we might as well take it easy. :'''Father Ted''': That's right, Dougal. You take your time. :''(Mrs Doyle attaches a metal pole to the back of Father Jack's chair. It's got a bottle of booze attached to its front)'' :'''Mrs Doyle''': Fair enough. :''(Father Jack starts making noises of excitement, as he wheels himself out of the living-room, following the booze)'' <hr width=50%/> :''(Nuns are giggling at Ted's joke)'' :'''Father Ted''': Anyway the thing is I might not be able to say this evening's [[w:Mass in the Catholic Church|Mass]]. :''(Nuns suddenly go silent)'' :'''Sister Assumpta''': ''(aggressively)'' What Father? :'''Father Ted''': I have something quite important to do. :'''Sister Assumpta''': Not more important than saying Mass Father? :'''Father Ted''': It's just. Someone I know is dying. :'''Sister Assumpta''': Oh dear. Is it serious? <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Jack''': ''(as Mrs Doyle wheels him on his chair with Dougal holding the door)'' Nuns! <b>NUNS!</b> Reverse! Reverse! Reverse! Reverse! <hr width=50%/> :''(Mrs Doyle is complaining about the language used in modern novels)'' :'''Mrs. Doyle''': It's a bit much for me, Father. "Feck this" and "Feck that." :'''Father Ted''': Yes, Mrs Doyle. :'''Mrs. Doyle''': "You big bastard." Oh, dreadful Language. "You big hairy arse." "You big Fecker." Fierce Stuff! And of course the F-word father, the bad F-word. Worse than feck. You know the one I mean. :'''Father Ted''': Yes, I do, Mrs Doyle. :'''Mrs. Doyle''': "F you" "F your effing wife." Oh, I don't know why they have to use language like that. "I'll stick this effing pitch up your hole," that was another one! :'''Father Ted''': I see what you mean, Mrs Doyle. :'''Mrs. Doyle''': "Bastard this" and "Bastard that". You can't move for the bastards in her novels! It's wall-to-wall bastards. :'''Father Ted''': Is it Mrs Doyle? Anyway -- :'''Mrs. Doyle''': "You Bastard", "You Fecker", "You bollocks", "Get your bollocks out of my face!" :'''Father Ted''': Yes, you just go and prepare for the nuns. :'''Mrs. Doyle''': "Ride me sideways" was another one! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': (as Tom comes out of the Post Office with money, to the sound of a robbery alarm and a gunshot) Ya haven't been up to your auld tricks again, have ya? :'''Tom''': No, Father. 'Tis my money. I just didn't want to fill out the forms. === Grant unto Him Eternal Rest === :''(Sister Monica, a young nun, is sitting on the couch next to Dougal. The two smile nervously)'' :''(The shyness is excruciating. Neither of them talk)'' :''(Then Dougal finally mans up and speaks to her)'' :'''Father Dougal''': So then, you're a nun? <hr width=50%/> :''(Ted and Dougal have suggested to Sister Monica that they visit some of the sights on Craggy island)'' :'''Sister Monica''': That's wonderful. I'll just go and freshen up. :''(Sister Monica leaves the room)'' :'''Father Dougal''' ''(to Ted)'': She'll be putting on makeup I suppose... to impress the lads. Huh? :'''Father Ted''': Ah no she's probably just going to the toilet. :'''Father Dougal''' : Ah, nuns are great though Ted. It's good because you don't feel as nervous with them as you do with real women do you? :'''Father Ted''': Ah you're right there. :'''Father Dougal''' : Even though I only got the courage to talk to her a few minutes ago, it's nice to have a nun around. It gives the place a bit of glamour! :'''Father Ted''': "A woman's touch" ''(nods head)'' :''(Father Dougal suddenly gets serious and looks at Ted suspiciously)'' :''(later..)'' :'''Father Dougal''' ''(to Sister Monica)'': Ted says you were touching him! <hr width=50%/> :''(Ted, Dougal and Monica have found Father Jack in his room, cold and unresponsive)'' :'''Sister Monica''': Oh Holy Mother of God! He's dead! :'''Father Dougal''': What's the problem there, sister? <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''' (to Father Jack): Ah come on Father, you're not dead, are you? <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': ''(giving the last rites)'' Well we are gathered here today to join two people... oh wait, that's not it... <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': So anyway, you're there now with Our Lord and [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]] and [[Bob Marley]] and my own parents..., <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': Right, well it looks bad alright. I called Dr. Sinnot, I gave him the symptoms over the phone and he said he's probably dead alright. The pulse not being there is bad enough, but the heart stopping is the real danger sign. :'''Father Dougal''': That happened to my uncle once. His heart stopped, and he was fine afterwards. :'''Father Ted''': His heart stopped? How long for? :'''Father Dougal''': A week. :'''Father Ted''': A week? And he was fine afterwards? :'''Father Dougal''': Er, no. Actually, now I think about it, he died. <hr width=50%/> :''(Father Jack's wake has begun. Various priests and nuns are in the living room)'' :'''Sister Monica''': I think it's absolutely great to see. I mean, the level of commitment amongst ''[[w:Catholic Church in Africa|the African church]]'' in bringing the faith to the people is just wonderful! It's marvellous, isn't it? :'''Black priest''': Sure I wouldn't know, I'm from [[w:Donegal|Donegal]]. <hr width=50%/> :''(One of the older priests at the wake is devastated by Jack's death)'' :'''Father Jim Sutton''': Why him, Ted? Why is it always the good ones? You bastard! ''[shakes fist to Heaven]'' :'''Father Ted''': Now, Father! :'''Father Jim Sutton''': He could have been pope, Ted! But the feckin' Jesuits, they have it all tied up! :'''Father Ted''': Yes... :'''Father Jim Sutton''': Imagine, Ted! A Polish pope! It should have been Jack! But it's not what you know, is it? It's who you know! :'''Father Ted''': Ah, it's sad, but sure look at him there; he looks quite serene. :'''Father Jim Sutton''': '''OH, GOD! NO, NO, NO, NO!! HE'S DEAD, TED! WE'LL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN!''' ''[continues sobbing]'' :'''Father Ted''': We'll see him in the next world. :'''Father Jim Sutton''': ''(sarcastically)'' ''Oh yeah, sure!'' <hr width=50%/> :''(Laura Sweeney, a female lawyer, has informed Fathers Ted and Dougal that Jack's will names them joint inheritors)'' :'''Father Dougal''': ''(catching Jack's will after Ted faints)'': Half a million pounds each? :''(Dougal scans document)'' :'''Father Dougal''': Ah no. Between us. It's only a quarter of a million pounds each Ted. Ted? Ted? (looks around confused) <hr width=50%/> :'''Laura Sweeney''': When is the funeral again? :'''Father Dougal''': Again? We haven't had the first one yet! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': ''(to Laura Sweeney)'': If you're a solicitor I'm [[Boy George]]! :''(Next scene)'' :'''Father Dougal''': Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon... <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': It's true what they say about these career women. They're very aggressive. :'''Father Dougal''': Yeah, she was very aggressive, wasn't she, Ted? :'''Father Ted''': Oh, and the language out of her. You wouldn't hear it from a docker! Fecking this, fecking that... :'''Father Dougal''': Ah, you would. They use very bad language. :'''Father Ted''': Effin' this and effin' that... :'''Father Dougal''': Oh, it was much worse than that, Ted, she was saying fu... :'''Father Ted''': Now, Dougal! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''' ''(on confessions)'': A load of strangers telling you their sins. Sure who'd be bothered with that? <hr width=50%/> :''(Fathers Ted and Dougal are spending the night in the mausoleum where Jack's coffin lies. They are lying next to one another in sleeping bags)'' :'''Father Dougal McGuire''': I just want to ask you a question. :'''Father Ted Crilly''': Oh, not again, Dougal. Look, when a man and a lady are very much in love... :'''Father Dougal McGuire''': No, no! No, I didn't want to ask that, Ted, I just wanted to ask you, do you believe in an afterlife? :'''Father Ted Crilly''': Do I what? :'''Father Dougal''': Do you believe in the afterlife? :'''Father Ted''': Well generally priests have a very strong belief in the afterlife. :'''Father Dougal''': Ooh I wish I had your faith Ted! :'''Father Ted''': Dougal, how did you get into the church? Was it like, "Collect twelve crisp packets and become a priest"? <hr width=50%/> :''(It is early. Dougal is asleep. Ted is staring out of the window of the mausoleum)'' :'''Father Ted''': ''[quoting '''[[w:The Dead (short story)|The Dead]]''']'' ::"It's beginning to snow again. The flakes, silver and dark, are falling obliquely against the lamplight. It's probably falling all over the island; on the central plain, on the treeless hills, falling softly upon the graveyards, upon the crosses and headstones, upon all the living and the dead..." :'''Father Jack''': ''(obviously not dead)'' Shut the feck up! :(Ted turns, sees Jack and faints, waking Dougal.) :'''Father Dougal''': (Looks down at Ted lying on the floor) Ted! What's wrong? :(Turns to Jack) :'''Father Dougal''': Father Jack, did you see what happened? :(Looks back at Ted) :'''Father Dougal McGuire''': Ted? :(Turns back to Jack) :'''Father Dougal McGuire''': What happened, Father Jack? Wha... :(Finally realises what's happening and faints as well!) :'''Father Dougal McGuire''': Ooooo! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Jack''': Drink! ''(after a few seconds of silence and staring directly at the camera, he breaks the fourth wall)'' Feck off! == Series 2 == === Hell === :'''Father Dougal''': (After Ted asks him why July 19 was so important) July 19. Uh, I wouldn't know Ted, you big bollocks! :'''Father Ted''': ''[astounded]'' I'm sorry!? :'''Father Dougal''': I said I wouldn't know Ted, you big bollocks! :'''Father Ted''': Have you been reading those [[w:Roddy Doyle|Roddy Doyle]] books again, Dougal!? :'''Father Dougal''': I have, yeah Ted, you big gobshite! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''' (on [[July 19]]): Would that be the day the Ice Age ended? <hr width=50%/> :'''Mrs Doyle''': It doesn't matter what day it is, Father. There is always time for a nice cup of tea! Sure didn't our Lord Himself on the cross pause for a nice cup of tea before giving Himself up for the world? <hr width=50%/> :'''Mrs Doyle''' (on saying "no"): It's a lovely word Our Lord gave us here on earth for when we don't want any cake! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''' (on the Magic Road): That's nearly as mad as that thing you told me about the loaves and fishes! :'''Father Ted''': No Dougal, that wasn't mad. That's when our Lord got a few bits of food together and made lots of food, and everyone had dinner. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': Father Jack, do you have any preferences? :'''Father Jack''': Holiday! :'''Father Ted''': Yes, we're on holiday. Would you like to go anywhere? :'''Father Jack''': What? :'''Father Ted''': Would you like to go somewhere? :'''Father Jack''': Who are you? :'''Father Ted''': I was just asking, would you like to go somewhere now that we're here? Would you like to go for a lovely walk? :'''Father Jack''': I like cake! :'''Father Ted''': Yes, I... ''[sotto, to Dougal]'' I think I'll just stop talking to Father Jack now. :'''Father Jack''': Where am I? What's that thing there? Are those ''my'' feet? :'''Father Ted''': God, let's just get him to sleep and we'll head off ourselves. ''[to Jack]'' Okay Father, into your box! :'''Father Jack''': Drink, arse, girls, dr— ''[he instantly falls asleep as Ted places a cardboard box over his head]'' <hr width =50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': Will I put on the kettle? :'''Father Ted''': Go on then. (Dougal puts the kettle on) :'''Father Dougal''': ...must be one of those ones that clicks off automatically. :'''Father Ted''': Mmm...bit of steam there. Incidentally, did you bring any teabags? :'''Father Dougal''': ...no. :'''Father Dougal''': Kettle's boiled there Ted. :'''Father Ted''': Mmm. :'''Father Dougal''': Will I put more water in and turn it on again? :'''Father Ted''': No... I liked it best the first time. :'''Father Dougal''': Maybe we could turn it on with no water at all, see what happens. :'''Father Ted''': I don't think you should do that. It would just blow up. You'd be picking lumps of metal out of your face for a year. You'd have puffy fish lips bigger than your face. :'''Father Dougal''': Like Father Bigley. :'''Father Ted''': Exactly like Father Bigley. :'''Father Dougal''': Maybe that's what happened to him! <hr width=50%/> :''(Father Ted is demonstrating some plastic toy cows to Dougal)'' :'''Father Ted''': ...OK, one last time. These are ''small''... [[w:Depth perception|but the ones out there are ''far away'']]. ''Small''... ''far away''... ah forget it! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': Do you want to walk over to that fence? :'''Father Ted''': Oh no, best not; I don't want to blow up with excitement <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Noel Furlong''' (on Tony Lynch): He wasn't like that last night when he crawled into bed at ten past the eleven! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Noel Furlong''' (on Ted and Dougal's strong bladders): Ye're like a bunch of camels! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Noel Furlong''' (on Ted): Who's a bit of a ''moaning'' Michael tonight! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''' (as Ted struggles with the car door): You're alright there, Ted. He's a fair bit away ... it ''might'' be worth speeding up a bit there. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': God Ted, he's probably very cold now that his towel has blown away! === Think Fast, Father Ted === :''(The parochial house roof is leaking, and they need to raise some money...)'' :'''Father Ted''': God Almighty, that's going to cost a fortune to fix. Where are we going to get the money? Think, Dougal, how can we raise some money? :'''Father Dougal''': Hmmm.... :'''Ted''': Yes, I know. Aha! (give knowing glance) :'''Dougal''': Aha! :'''Ted''': Are you thinking what I'm thinking? :'''Dougal''': I think so, Ted. But now wait, I'm not sure.... :'''Ted''': What? :'''Dougal''': I mean, it is a big step, and err, where are we going to get the guns? :'''Ted''': (mystified) What are you talking about? :'''Dougal''': Oh, wait a minute now - actually I might have been thinking about something different... :'''Ted''': You thought we were going to rob a bank, didn't you? :'''Dougal''': I did, yeah! :'''Ted''': Well, Dougal, this isn't a Bruce Willis film. I was thinking more along the lines of a raffle. <hr width=50%/> :''(The roof is leaking and water is dripping onto Father Jack's head down his arm and into his glass. Ted and Dougal begin to move Jack's chair away from the leak)'' :'''Father Jack''': (Waking up) I'm a happy camper! <hr width=50%/> (''Water leaks heavily from the roof and lands on Jack's head'') :'''Father Ted''': (''Using a long stick with Dougal's help to wake Jack up from distance'') Father, father, wake up! It's just us. :'''Jack''': (''Waking up'') Get to feck! :'''Father Ted''': Come on, Father. We're going to have to move you again! :'''Father Jack'''(''Throws down stick'') Drrrriiink!(''Reaches for his glass and begins to drink'') :'''Father Ted''':(Panicked) Don't drink that, Father, '''no'''! It's... :'''Father Jack''': (''spits out mouthful of water'') FECKIN' WATER! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''':'' (That night, after destroying the car…)'': AH, JESUS, WE'RE DEAD! OH, GOD ALMIGHTY!!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Jack''': ''[being attacked by a murder of crows]'' Feckin' feathered eejits! Gobshites, the lot of ya! <hr width=50%/> :''(Ted has just convinced Father Finnegan, the 'Dancing Priest', to loan him his car to show off as a 'raffle prize' in place of the wrecked car from Bishop Brennan. Ted holds the keys in front of Dougal)'' :'''Father Ted''': Bingo! :'''Father Dougal''': No luck then, Ted? <hr width=50%/> (After Ted explains to Dougal about the plan about rigging the raffle tonight) :'''Father Dougal''': D’know what this is like, Ted? It’s like [[The Sting]]. I’m [[Robert Redford ]] and you’re [[Paul Newman]] (he leaves the room towards the right side of the open door, then he goes round before walking into the door) <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': Dougal, Purcell's the most boring priest in the world. He was working in Nigeria a few years ago, and he woke up one morning to find everyone in the village had had enough of him and gone off in a big boat. It sank after about a mile and they were eaten by crocodiles. :'''Father Purcell''': We run the gas off the electricity and the electricity off the gas and we save two hundred pounds a year, but then a few weeks later ah god, I'll never forget it now, we got a new boiler..." :'''Father Ted''': Are you alright there, Fathers? :'''Father Jack''': HELP ME!!! :'''Father Purcell''': Ah hello Ted, I was just telling Father Jack about the thing there last year, how did you fare with yours? :'''Father Ted''': Er I don't know what you're.... :'''Father Purcell''': Because you know they have no morals and no respect for human life. But what they do have and no-one can deny this now, they have the finest collection of boilers in the world! And I include Canada in that! ''[Ted has to prevent Jack punching an oblivious Purcell]'' :'''Father Ted''': ''[to Father Purcell]'' Actually I'd just like to borrow Father Jack for a moment... :'''Father Jack''': Thank CHRIST! ''[Jack quickly leaves and locks Ted in his place]'' :'''Father Purcell''': Ah God, I remember the first time I saw that boiler now, beautiful! :'''Father Ted ''': Would you like a ticket, Father? :'''Father Purcell''': Did you get those specially? You can buy them down the shop. Any number you like - ah, one, seven, 20, 112. :'''Father Ted''': 112? :'''Father Purcell''': All the way up to 409, I think it is. If you want more, they send off for them. They come back in an envelope. Normal kind of thing. Rectangular, four corners, you know. That's the way I like them anyway, the old envelopes. No round envelopes for me! No way, Jose. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': (After Ted asks him why he wasn’t coming up to the stage with his raffle ticket) Sorry Ted, I was looking at the ticket upside down. :''(Dougal had ticket number 11)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Purcell''': Oh they have you everywhere you know. I was in the AA there, you know, for a while, but the insurance was very expensive. :'''Father Dougal''': Oh, right. :'''Father Purcell''': I had to crash the car just to get the money back, you know, and they had witnesses who said they'd seen me steer it towards the wall, you know. There was talk of me going to jail there for a while... :''[Dougal gets up and walks off, Purcell turns round to the throw blanket containing a portrait of Jesus Christ]'' :'''Father Purcell''': Ah, its Yourself! <hr width=50%/> :''[Jack ambles in drunk, carrying a six-pack of lager and a car air freshener around his ear]'' :'''Father Ted''': Father? :'''Father Jack''': Feck off! :'''Father Ted''': Father Jack, where did you get the air freshener? :'''Father Jack''': Car! :'''Father Ted''': Oh, God...! :'''Father Jack''': Drived the car! :'''Father Ted''': Not the new car! Tell me the truth, Father, have you been drinking? :'''Father Jack''': (looks at the half-empty bottle of whisky he's holding and thinks for a moment) Yes! :'''Father Ted''': Tell me from the beginning. Where did you drive? :'''Father Jack''': Shops! Drink! Corner! Stopped! Got out! Truck! :'''Father Ted''': A truck?! :'''Father Jack''': (smashing two empty cans of lager together) ''Two'' trucks! :'''Father Ted''': Let's take a look. See if there's anything we can salvage. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Purcell''': This is a piece of advice my father gave to me. Now this refers not only to lagging, but all forms of insulation. He said "don't ever"...no, wait, it was "always"...no er, "never, never" - oh wait now, I've forgotten. Never mind. What's your favourite humming noise? Would it be mmm-mmmmm or would it be mmmm-mm? The first one there, now that's the sound of a fridge humming and the second one, now that's the sound of a man humming. You never hear a woman humming. I knew a woman once, but she died soon afterwards. Now if you push me to it, I'd have to say my favourite colour is grey. No, blue. A soft blue with a hint of grey. No, orange. Yes, orange. I remember now. I had an extension put on the house, and I put it on the extension, so the house is in a circle now, you see... === Tentacles of Doom === :''(Ted receives bad news)'' :'''Father Ted''': Bloody hell! :'''Father Dougal''': Good news Ted? :'''Father Ted''' ''(sitting down)'': No Dougal, very bad news. It's the Holy Stone of Clonrichert. The Vatican have decided to upgrade it to a Class II relic. :'''Father Dougal''': Great! :'''Father Ted''': No it's not great! That means they'll be sending over some bishops to do a ceremony. And you know what that's like - we'll have to be on our best behaviour. :'''Father Dougal''': I thought there was something up with the Holy Stone. Wasn't someone cured there? :'''Father Ted''': No, someone was ''lured'' there. It was Paddy Short, then those fellas started to beat him with the sticks. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': The bishops will come around, and see that we're a normal, everyday parish, and go away. Nothing to worry about at all! :''(Father Jack, who has used the fire to light a cigarette, gets up from the fireplace, his head on fire. Oblivious, he sits back down to continue reading a magazine entitled "Girls")'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': But who cares anyway? They come in, they strip down the wallpaper, they fumigate the place and then they're gone! :'''Father Ted''': Dougal! They're ''bishops''! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': That's the great thing about Catholicism. It's so vague and no one really knows what it's about. <hr width=50%/> :''(Father Ted is standing in front of a sitting Father Jack, with a board between them)'' :'''Father Ted''': Right, father, now we're going to have a little [[w:Elocution|elocution]] lesson. :'''Father Jack''': Drink! ''(throws can of beer)'' :'''Father Ted''': Now, father, you can't be saying that all the time when the bishops come here. :'''Father Jack''': Feck! :'''Father Ted''': No, you can't say that either. :'''Father Jack''': Girls! :'''Father Ted''': Look father, just let's go back to "drink" for the moment. :'''Father Jack''': Drink! :'''Father Ted''': Right, now I want you to have a look at this. :''(Ted turns a page on the board, with the words "That would be an [[w:Ecumenism|ecumenical matter]]" and “Yes” written on it)'' :'''Father Ted''': Have a go at the first one here... "That". ''(points to word)'' :'''Father Jack''': ''(concentrating)'' Drink! :'''Father Ted''': No, no, no, no. "That". :'''Father Jack''': ''(trying hard)'' Drink! :'''Father Ted''': Now come on, father, concentrate. "That". :'''Father Jack''': Drink! :'''Father Ted''': "That" :'''Father Jack''': Drink! :'''Father Ted''': "That" :'''Father Jack''': Drink! :'''Father Ted''': "That" :''(this continues a few more times)'' :'''Father Ted''': Now come on now father! I know you can do it! There'll be a little drink in it for you if you do it. :'''Father Jack''': Drink? :'''Father Ted''': Yes I promise. Now come on, try again. "That". :'''Father Jack''': ''(trying very very hard)''. Th.. th... th... h.... Drink! :'''Father Ted''': Come on now father you almost had it! "That". :'''Father Jack''': Th.. th... th... h.... That! :'''Father Ted''': Great! :'''Father Jack''': That! :'''Father Ted''': Brilliant, Father! Let's keep it going here, and the next one, "That would" :'''Father Jack''': That... W.... W... W... :'''Father Ted''': "Would!", "Would!" :'''Father Jack''': W... W... Drink! :''(Jack collapses back into chair in despair, while Ted smashes the board away in frustration)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': Mrs Doyle, have you got your contacts in? :'''Mrs Doyle''': No, a dog ran off with them. <hr width=50%/> :''(Father Dougal is looking out of the window with binoculars. He is checking for the bishops)'' :'''Father Dougal''': No sign of them yet Ted... :'''Father Ted''': Ahem, Dougal, :''(In the living room, Ted and the three bishops are looking at Dougal in confusion)'' :'''Father Ted''': They're here, Dougal. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bishop Fachs''': Do you think a close relationship with the lay community is desirable, or should a certain distance be maintained? :'''Father Ted''': Yes...good question! I think we should...involve the lay community...but keep them at a distance. :'''Bishop Fachs''': How much of a distance? :'''Father Ted'''* A couple of miles? <hr width=50%/> :'''Bishop Fachs''': So many people are cynical about such things. You can hardly open a newspaper these days without reading some trendy anti-clerical article written by some bearded lefty! :'''Father Jack''': Yes! :'''Bishop Fachs''': A spell in the Army would do them a world of good! :'''Father Jack''': That would be an ecumenical matter! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': Bishops love sci-fi! :'''Father Ted''': ''[apoplectic]'' Dougal, we are not watching [[w:Aliens (film)|Aliens]]! :''[The three bishops look at Ted, stunned. Ted regains his compsoure.]'' :'''Father Ted''': Anyway, back to religion. :''(later..)'' :'''Bishop Jordan''': So I was watching [[w:Apollo 13 (film)|Apollo 13]] the other day... <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Jack''': ''(to Bishop O'Neill)'' That would be an ecumenical matter! :'''Bishop O'Neill''': Yes. I suppose it would! That's a good point Father. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': Dougal, do you know if we have any incense? :'''Father Dougal''': ''(after a wide-eyed long pause)'' There was a spider in the bath last night. <hr width=50%/> :''(The three priests and three bishops are gathered around the Holy Stone of Clonrichert, giving the blessing liturgy)'' :'''Bishop O'Neill''': Heavenly Father, hear our prayer. We pray that this rock be upgraded to a class 2 relic. And by the grace of God, bring healing to all who pass within a radius of 2½ to 3 feet of it, at your discretion. And may all who are healed in such a way give glory to you, our Lord, through your earthly form of this class 2 relic. Amen. :'''Everyone else''': Amen. :'''Father Dougal''': Eamonn. <hr width=50%/> :''(Bishop O'Neill and Father Dougal are strolling down the road together)'' :'''Bishop O'Neill''': So Father, do you ever have any doubts about the religious life? :''(Dougal looks around)'' :'''Bishop O'Neill''': Is your faith ever tested? :''(Dougal keeps looking around. Wide eyed. Looking confused)'' :'''Bishop O'Neill''': Anything you've been worried about? Any doubts you've been having about aspects of belief? Anything like that? :'''Father Dougal''': Well you know the way God made us all, and he's looking down at us from heaven? :'''Bishop O'Neill''': Yeah... :'''Father Dougal''': And then his son came down and saved everyone and all that? :'''Bishop O'Neill''': Uh huh... :'''Father Dougal''': And when we die, we're all going to go to heaven? :'''Bishop O'Neill''': Yes. What about it? :'''Father Dougal''': Well that's [[w:The gospel|the bit]] I have trouble with! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': ''(to Bishop O'Neill)'' So, [[w:Transcendence (religion)|if God has existed forever]]...you know, what did he do in his spare time, like, before he made the Earth and everything? <hr width=50%/> :'''Bishop O'Neill''': Everlasting Life? [[w:Hell in popular culture|Big Demons sticking hot pokers up your arse for all Eternity]]? I don't buy it <hr width=50%/> :''(Fathers Ted and Dougal are waiting outside for the bishops as they leave)'' <br/> :''(Bishop O'Neill exits first. He is dressed in hippy clothes)'' :'''Bishop O'Neill''': Dougal. :''(Bishop O'Neill shakes Dougal's hand)'' :'''Father Dougal''': Oh. You're welcome Bishop. :'''Bishop O'Neill''': ''(correcting him)''. No, no. "Eddie". :'''Father Ted''': Are you sure you won't reconsider your decision? :'''Bishop O'Neill (Eddie)''': No. Anyway it's too late. I'm off to India for two months with a few friends. Ah, there they are. ''(gives peace sign to Ted and Dougal)'' :''(Hippies in a [[w:Volkswagen Type 2|VW Kombi]] drive up)'' :'''Father Ted''': See you again then. :''(Bishop O'Neill (Eddie), climbs into van with hippy friends, and is immediately given a marijuana joint, which he begins to smoke)'' <br/> :''(Bishop Facks is the next to exit, walking very gingerly and accompanied by a paramedic)'' :'''Father Ted''': Ah, your grace. ''(quietly)'' The Holy Stone... will it still be a class 2 when they, er... ''(motions head towards [[w:Rectal foreign body|Facks's buttocks]])'' :''(Bishop Facks does not reply and walks off into a waiting ambulance)'' <br/> :''(Bishop Jordan is the final one to exit, in a coffin carried by two men in suits)'' :'''Father Ted''': God Bless. ''(Dougal gives a wave to the coffin as it passes by)'' <br/> :''(Fathers Ted and Dougal walk inside into the living room)'' :'''Father Ted''': That went pretty well I thought. === Old Grey Whistle Theft === :''(Ted is attempting to place some bottles of wine in a bag without waking Jack. The bottles clink together. Jack wakes up)'' :'''Father Jack''': Drink! :'''Father Ted''': It- It's not drink, Father, it's just fizzy water. :'''Father Jack''': Jacob's Creek Chardonnay 1991! :'''Father Ted''': [''removes bottles and reads label''] You can tell just from the sound?! :'''Father Jack''': Drink! Drink! Drink! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': God Ted, I've heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's going to come back and judge us all. :'''Father Ted''': No...no Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism you're talking about there. :'''Father Dougal''': Whole of this Catholic thing is a bit of a puzzler, isn't it Ted? <hr width=50%/> :''(Father Dougal and Father Damien Lennon have finished playing football and are standing in front of Damien's parochial house)'' :'''Father Damien''': ''(smoking)'' Here, you want one? ''(offers cigarette to Dougal)'' :'''Father Dougal''': Ah no thanks Father Lennon. :''(Father Damien puts cigarettes back into his pocket)'' :'''Father Dougal''': What time's your tea ready? :'''Father Damien''': Frosty usually has it about six. :'''Father Dougal''': Who? :'''Father Damien''': ''(annoyed)''. Frosty! Father Frost! :'''Father Dougal''': ''(incredibly impressed by Damien's attitude)'' Oh wow! "Frosty"! Brilliant! :''(Father Damien flicks cigarette from his hand out of the frame)'' :'''Father Damien''': What do you call your fella? :'''Father Dougal''': Who, Ted? Just Ted. :''(Father Damien looks very unimpressed)'' :'''Father Dougal''': But it's the ''way'' I say it, you know? :'''Father Damien''': He's an awful eejit isn't he? :'''Father Dougal''': ''(pauses)'' Yeah. :''(In the background, Father Frost walks out of the parochial house)'' :'''Father Damien''': Which one do you prefer, [[w:Oasis (band)|Oasis]] or [[w:Blur (band)|Blur?]] :'''Father Dougal''': Blur. :'''Father Damien''': ''(shocked)'' What??? :'''Father Dougal''': Oasis! I mean Oasis! :'''Father Frost''': ''(in the background)'' Father Damien, your tea is ready! :'''Father Damien''': ''(yelling)'' I'LL BE IN INNA MINUTE! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frank''': [[w:Minced oath|Fup off, you grasshole!]] <hr width=50%/> :'''Frank''': Fup off, ya pedrophile! <hr width=50%/> :''(A resident of Craggy Island speaks to Father Ted about the front page news of the stolen whistle)'' :'''Elderly Lady''': Hello Father, did you hear about the whistle being stolen? :'''Father Ted''': Yes, I was-- :'''Elderly Lady''': I never thought that I'd see the like. What next? Somebody will be murdered, and then where are we? Drive by shootings in the night, it'll be like Boys in the Hood. And then they'll have hoes selling their wares in the middle of the street and the pimps will be using crack cocaine to keep the whores under control--' [Gun shot fires in background] '--I'm going home now Father to lock meself in the basement til they catch that fella. Good-bye to ye father. :'''Father Ted''': ...Good-bye. <hr width=50%/> :''(Ted and Dougal are sitting down at breakfast. Ted had discovered the stolen whistle the night before in Dougal's jacket)'' :'''Father Ted''': Dougal, is there anything on your mind? :''(Dougal looks around, a dumb expression on his face)'' :'''Father Ted''': Let me re-phrase that. Is there anything you want to tell me about? Something bothering you in some way? :'''Father Dougal''': Like what Ted? :'''Father Ted''': Have you done anything you might be embarrassed about? Have you done anything bad recently? Anything wrong? :'''Father Dougal''': Wrong? :'''Father Ted''': Yes Dougal. "Wrong". You remember right and wrong? The difference between the two? Page one of "How to be a Catholic". :''(Dougal looks clueless and confused)'' :'''Father Ted''': Honestly Dougal, this is very basic stuff. :''(Dougal continues to look confused)'' :'''Father Ted''': What is "wrong"? Give me an example of something that's "wrong". :'''Father Dougal''': ''(trying very hard to rise to this intellectual challenge)'' Just give me a second Ted. ''(stands up)'' :'''Father Ted''': Arson. There's one. ''(pause)'' Murder. ''(pause)'' Swearing. :'''Father Dougal''': Swearing. Yeah. :'''Father Ted''': Anything else? :''(Dougal is racking his brains)'' :'''Father Dougal''': Err... Emm... Err... L.. Lying? :'''Father Ted''': ''(animated)'' Well done Dougal! Yes! :'''Father Dougal''': Thanks Ted. :''(Dougal begins to collapse. The strain of thinking was too much)'' :'''Father Ted''': Dougal are you all right? :'''Father Dougal''': I'm fine Ted I just need to sit down. :''(Dougal sits back down)'' :'''Father Ted''': Sorry about that Dougal. I probably pushed you a bit hard there. :'''Father Dougal''': No worries Ted. :''(Dougal places his head on the table in exhaustion)'' :'''Father Ted''': Dougal, something else that's wrong is... stealing. :''(Dougal looks up at Ted. He's beginning to recover)'' :'''Father Ted''': What I'm trying to say is that it's wrong to steal. Stealing is just something you don't do. :'''Father Dougal''': Right. Except you. :'''Father Ted''': ''(shocked)'' What? :'''Father Dougal''': Well you're allowed to steal. :'''Father Ted''': ''(indignant)'' What are you talking about? :'''Father Dougal''': The money. From that Lourdes thing. :''(Ted is lost for words and is very uncomfortable and beginning to get angry)'' :'''Father Ted''': ''(defensively)'' Different thing altogether Dougal. First of all, that money was just resting in my account before I moved it on! :'''Father Dougal''': It was resting for a long time Ted. :'''Father Ted''': Yes, but... :'''Father Dougal''': A good long rest. :'''Father Ted''': ''(frustrated)'' Look Dougal, we're not talking about me! We're talking about YOU! :'''Father Dougal''': Is there anything you want to tell me about? :''(Ted reaches into his top pocket and produces the stolen whistle)'' :'''Father Ted''': This, for example? === Song for Europe === :'''Dougal''': Ted, could you pass me my record collection? :'''Ted''': Okay, here it is. (Passes him a single record) Oh, and Dougal, you need more than one record for a collection. What you have is a record. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dougal''': I've got [[w:Eurovision Song Contest|Eurosong]] fever, Ted. :'''Ted''': Yeah? :'''Dougal''': Oh god, yeah. I love the Eurosong competition. I just can't wait. What time is it now? :'''Father Ted''': Half past one. :'''Dougal''': Half one?! And the competition is on in... :'''Father Ted''': May. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ted and Dougal are trying to write a song for the Eurosong contest)'' :'''Dougal''': ''(excitedly)'' I think... I think I have a lyric! :'''Father Ted''': Right. Lyrics! ''(gets pen and paper)'' Go ahead there Dougal. :'''Dougal''': What's it called again? :'''Father Ted''': "My Lovely Horse" :'''Dougal''': Right. How about this? ::''My Lovely Horse,'' ::''I want to hold you so tight'' ::''I want to rub my fingers through your tail'' ::''and love you all night'' :'''Father Ted''': Dougal, Dougal, stop there! We want to keep out of the whole area of actually being in love with the horse. :'''Dougal''': Oh right. :'''Father Ted''': It's more that we're friends with the horse that we want to jump around with it and have a good laugh with it. :'''Dougal''': Right, but what about something like ::''Take this lump of sugar baby'' ::''You know you want it'' :'''Dougal''': That'd be something like those rap fellas would write. :'''Father Ted''': You can forget about them Dougal. You can forget about "[[w:Ice-T|Icy-T]]" and "[[w:Snoop Dogg|Scoopy Scoopy Dog Dog]]". They're no help to us now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Father Dougal''': ''[Intensely]'' Let's do it! :'''Father Ted''': ''[Soothing]'' Dougal, don't take it so seriously. At the end of the day, it's all just a bit of fun. :''[Later; Ted is smoking a cigarette and the room is filled with smoke]'' :'''Father Ted''': ''[Tense]'' Just play the ''[beep!]''ing note! :'''Father Dougal''': The first one? :'''Father Ted''': ''[Exploding]'' No not the ''[beep!]''ing first one! The ''[beep!]''ing first one's already ''[beep!]''ing down! Just play the ''[beep!]''ing note you were ''[beep!]''ing playing earlier! I've been playing the ''[beep!]''ing first one! We have the ''[beep!]''ing first one! <hr width=50%/> :''(Ted and Dougal are in the dressing rooms for the Irish round of the Eurovision song contest)'' :'''Charles Hedges''': Hello, Father Crilly. I'm Charles Hedges, your producer for this evening, and this is... :'''Father Ted'''': Oh, you don't need to tell me! Mr. Rickwood, I'm delighted to meet you. I thought you did a brilliant job presenting last year's show. :'''Fred Rickwood''': ''[Slurred]'' Wellthatsthebusinesslikeyouknowwhatimeanyouknowinandoutthedoorsandgiddyup! :'''Father Ted''': Sorry? :'''Fred Rickwood''': ''[Slurred]'' Likethebusinessyouknowgetitoutthedoorsandgiddyup. :'''Father Ted''': Ah, yes... :'''Fred Rickwood''': ''[Slurred]'' Wellanywayshamehithimshaveabollock. ''[exits]'' :'''Father Ted''': Mmm. Mmm. I have to say, he sounded a lot better on last year's show. :'''Charles Hedges''': Well, once he's on the stage, he's fine. :'''Father Ted''': Alright, do you know him a long time? :'''Charles Hedges''': Yes, yes, yes, we've been partners for ten years. :'''Father Ted''': Oh, right, you run the production company together? :'''Charles Hedges''': No, no, he's my lover. <hr width=50%/> :''(Ted is trying to present himself to Charles Hedges as a very progressive catholic)'' :'''Father Ted''': ''(animated)'' Anyway, don't mind what the church thinks. It used to think the earth was flat! ''(laughs)''. It's like you know, sometimes, the Pope says things he doesn't really mean. We all get things wrong, even the Pope. :'''Charles Hedges''': But what about [[w:Papal infallibility|Papal infallibility]]? :'''Father Ted''': Yes. :''(Ted pauses and thinks)'' :'''Father Ted''': ''(uncertain)'' Is it for everything? The infallibility, do you know? :'''Charles Hedges''': ''(shrugs shoulders)'' Well I don't know. :'''Father Ted''': ''(laughs again)'' Right, anyhow. Nothing to do with me! <hr width=50%/> :''My lovely horse'' :''Running through the fields'' :''Where are you going'' :''With your fetlocks blowing'' :''In the wind?'' : :''I want to shower you with sugar lumps'' :''And ride you over fences'' :''Polish your hooves every single day'' :''And take you to the horse dentist'' : :''My lovely horse'' :''You're a pony no more'' :''Running around'' :''With a man on your back'' :''Like a train in the night'' === The Plague === :''(The opening credits of "Father Ben" begin playing'') :'''Father Dougal''': ''(excited)'' Ted! Ted! Quick! It's "Father Ben"! :''(Ted comes rushing in to watch)'' :'''Father Ted''': God, I love this! :''(The show within the show begins. Father Ben is sitting on a lounge that looks exactly like the one in Father Ted)'' :''(In the show, Father Brendan appears, with something on his head)'' :'''Father Brendan (on TV)''': God, Ben! I'm such an eejit! I put the shorts... on me head! :''(Fathers Ted and Dougal laugh)'' :'''Father Ben (on TV)''': God almighty Brendan, you really are a big fool! :'''Father Ted''': ''(laughing at show)'' This is really top notch stuff. :'''Father Dougal''': ''(nodding)'' That Brendan's an eejit! :'''Father Ted''': I know someone just like Ben... Big thicko! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': Wait, I got one! You see the way he's got big floppy ears flopping all over the place? :'''Father Ted''': Yeah? :'''Father Dougal''': Why don't we call him Father Jack Hackett? :'''Father Ted''': ''[sarcastically]'' Perfect! Father Jack it is! :'''Father Jack''': What? :'''Father Ted''': Ah, nothing, Father. Dougal names his new pet rabbit after you. :'''Father Jack''': What? :'''Father Dougal''': Are you all right, Father Jack? :'''Father Jack''': What? :'''Father Ted''': He’s not talking to you, Father, he’s talking to the rabbit. :'''Father Jack''': ''What?!'' :'''Father Dougal''': I think Father Jack wants a drink. :'''Father Jack''': ''[gleeful]'' Drink! Drink! :'''Father Ted''': Maybe we could give him water. :'''Father Jack''': Water!? Feck! :'''Father Ted''': Dougal, this is getting far too confusing! :'''Father Dougal''': Ah Ted I've got used to calling him Father Jack! Can we not call Father Jack something else? :'''Father Ted''': ''[exasperated]'' Great! What'll we call him?! Flipper! Flipper the Priest! :'''Father Jack''': Yes! :'''Father Ted''': No, Dougal. This is not going to work. ''(Suddenly, the parochial house telephone begins to ring)'' <hr width=50%/> :''(Ted walks towards the ringing telephone. He picks it up. The scene changes to Bishop Brennan, who is calling from an ornate golden bathroom. He is in a bubble bath on a cordless phone and holding a glass of white wine. The famous painting of [[w:Portrait of Innocent X|Pope Innocent X]] is on the wall)'' :'''Father Ted''': (on phone) Hello? Father Ted Crilly speaking? :'''Bishop Brennan''': Crilly, it's me, Bishop Brennan. :'''Father Ted''': Oh feck! ''[realises his mistake]'' :'''Bishop Brennan''': WHAT!? :'''Father Ted''': ''[putting on a bad French accent]'' 'Oo is dis? Zere is no Crilly 'ere! ''[hangs up]'' God, Dougal, I’m just after saying feck to Bishop Brennan! :'''Father Dougal''': Oh, he won't like that, Ted! :'''Father Ted''': Maybe it's alright, though. I put on a foreign voice so as he'll think he dialed the wrong number. ''[The phone rings again; Ted answers it]'' :'''Bishop Brennan''': Crilly. :'''Father Ted''': Ah, hello Bishop Brennan. I think you got the wrong number when you call there- :'''Bishop Brennan''': Shut up, Crilly! Shut up! I'll make this quick. What would the following words suggest to you: "Jack", "sleep-walking", and "bollock-naked"? :'''Father Ted''': ''[mortified]'' Oh no! :'''Bishop Brennan''': Now this is the third time in the last six months! You may have heard of Brian Noonan, hmm? A very important Junior Minister- and a personal friend of mine- and I can tell you the last thing he and his family needs to see is the vision of an elderly priest wearing only a pair of socks and a hat! Now I'll be around on Thursday to examine the security arrangements, and Crilly... :'''Father Ted''': Yes? :'''Bishop Brennan''': ''[referring to the previous call]'' If you ever try to ''bullshit'' me like that again, I will rip off your arms. :''(Bishop Brennan hangs up and smiles as a beautiful young woman joins him in the bath)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': God, it's like a big rabbit rock festival! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Jack''': ''(points at rabbits)'' Rats! :'''Father Ted''': Yes father, we can see them as well. :'''Father Jack''': HAIRY JAPANESE BASTARDS! <hr width=50%/> :''(Ted and Dougal and wondering what to do to solve their rabbit problem)'' :'''Father Ted''': What are we going to do? :'''Father Dougal''': Well wait now now. There is actually something we can do Ted. If we errr now let me see now. Just wait a second there. Er Ah. I know. I know. I've got it Ted. :'''Father Ted''': What? :'''Father Dougal''': Right now, now. The way I see it is, if we errr, now wait a second. Errm. What's the problem again? :'''Father Ted''': THE RABBITS! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': That's a very nice sword. Where exactly are you going to put the rabbits? :'''Tom''': In the vice, father. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tom''': ''(about the rabbits)'' I could run them down in me van! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tom''': Have you nothing I could kill at all all, Father? :'''Father Ted''': Uh no Tom, no. :'''Tom''': Well, feck it anyway! :'''Father Ted''': Run Dougal, run quite fast! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bishop Brennan''': Yet again, I am dragged away from my warm fireside to come and deal with the cast of ''[[Police Academy]]''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': ''(trying to stall Bishop Brennan after he had thrown himself into the stairs)'' I'm all right, Bishop. I'm fine now, thanks. Phew! (laughs uneasily) :'''Father Dougal''': ''(shouting up the stairs)'' Ted, did Len find the rabbits? :'''Bishop Brennan''': What did he say?! :'''Father Ted''': Look, I'd better tell you... :'''Bishop Brennan''': Did he call me Len again? ''(shouting down the stairs)'' You address me by my proper title, you little bollocks! :'''Father Dougal''': Sorry, Bishop '''Len''' Brennan! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': Because Dougal, my nerves are shot. I won't be able to relax until the only rabbit here is the one sitting in your head working the controls. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': ''(finding more rabbits in a room next to Father Jack's)'' Ted, there's loads more in here. Look at this one. Doesn't he look like that fella [[w:Harvey Keitel|Harvey Keitel]]? :'''Father Ted''': Harvey Keitel? How could a rabbit look like... God Almighty! It's the spitting image of him! <hr width=50%/> === Rock-a-Hula Ted === :''(Famous Irish musician [[w:Niamh|Niamh]] Connolly is being interviewed on TV)'' :'''Niamh Connolly''': The church in Ireland secretly had lots of potatoes during the famine, and they hid the potatoes in pillows and sold them abroad in potato fairs. And the Pope closed down a lot of the factories that were makin' the potatoes and turned them into prisons for children. :'''Father Ted''': God almighty, she says that as if there's something sinister about it all! I mean, what is the problem with her?! :'''Father Dougal:''' She seems to be taking the whole Catholic thing a bit seriously, Ted! :'''Father Ted:''' ''[sternly]'' Yes, Dougal. :'''Father Dougal:''' I mean, it's just a bit of a laugh! :'''Father Ted:''' Stop talking, Dougal. <hr width=50%/> :''(Father Dougal is reading a Music magazine. Niamh Connolly is on the front cover wearing boxing gloves)'' :'''Father Ted:''' ''(seeing magazine cover)'' There she is again. She's all over the place. :''(Ted looks closer at the magazine cover. A closeup of the boxing gloves reveals the words "Clit Power")'' :'''Father Ted:''' "Clit Power". What does that mean? :'''Father Dougal:''' Don't know. :'''Father Ted:''' I knew a Father ''Clint'' Power. Maybe she's having a go at him? <hr width=50%/> :''(Niamh Connolly is being interviewed on TV again)'' :'''Niamh Connolly''': Craggy Island. Yeah. Craggy Island's the place for me. :''(Ted and Dougal are watching the TV in shock)'' :'''Niamh Connolly''': I see it as being a safe haven for those who wish to escape the hypocrisy of the mainland. :'''Father Ted''': God! :'''Niamh Connolly''': I wish to create a world free from sexual and religious intolerance :'''Father Ted''': No that's terrible news! :''(Ted switches TV off)'' :'''Father Ted''': Right! Basically we have to stand our ground. If she's on the island I'm bound to bump into her. I'll just tell her the people of Craggy island will NOT stand for a world free of sexual and religious intolerance! :'''Father Dougal:''' ''(animated in his agreement)'' No Way! Jose! <hr width=50%/> :''(Father Ted is judging "[[w:Rose of Tralee (festival)|The Lovely Girls]]" competition)'' :'''Father Ted''': ''(speaking into microphone)'' And now... walking! :''(The girls begin walking around [[w:Traffic cone|traffic cones]] as if they are at an animal show)'' :'''Father Ted''': Look at them there. Walking around. Look out there Mary! Doesn't Mary have a lovely bottom? :'''Father Liam''': ''(Walks up to Ted and speaks quietly)'' Careful there Ted. That might offend the girls. :'''Father Ted''': ''(agrees, then speaks into microphone)'' Of course. They ''all'' have lovely bottoms! <hr width=50%/> :''(The Lovely Girls competition is now down to the final two girls, whose lovely laugh must determine the winner)'' :'''Father Ted''': ''(in microphone)'' It's between Imelda and Mary in the lovely laugh tie break! :''(Imelda and Mary stand facing each other. Ted stands between them. )'' :'''Father Ted''': In order to hear your lovely laugh, I'll have to tell you a joke. So here we go... this is my Robin Williams impression. :''(Father Ted begins joke)'' ::''Secretary: The invisible man is in reception'' ::''Boss: Tell him I can't see him!'' :''(Imelda and Mary lean forward to laugh into Ted's microphone)'' <hr width=50%/> ''(Niamh and Dougal are in the parochial house living room)'' :'''Father Dougal''': You all right there? How's your bra? :'''Niamh Connolly''': WHAT?! :'''Father Dougal''': Your bra! Is it comfortable? Do you have a bra? :''(Niamh shakes her head in disapproval)'' :'''Father Dougal''': It's not too tight, is it? 'Cause you can loosen it if you want. Take it off, sure, go on. :''(Niamh looks uncomfortable)'' :'''Father Dougal''': Or would you like some tea? I'll tell you what, I'll make the tea and you take your bra off. ''[gets up]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': Oh. That's the other thing Ted. I sold Niamh the house. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': Alright. This is a long shot, but it's our only hope. :''(Ted pulls out paper and pencil'' :'''Father Ted''': I'm going to leave this paper and pencil here and hopefully in the morning God will have written down what we should do. <hr width=50%/> :''(Ted is trying to convince Niamh to give them back the parochial house)'' :'''Father Ted''': We're a very progressive parish! :'''Niamh Connolly''': I hope it's not a hideaway for pedophile priests. That whole thing ''disgusted'' me! :'''Father Ted''': Well Niamh, we're not all like that. Say if there's two hundred million priests in the world and five percent are pedophiles, that's still only ten million. :''(Niamh is confused at Ted's statement)'' :'''Father Ted''': No. What we wanted to create here was a world free of intolerance and hypocrisy. :'''Niamh Connolly''': Really Father? :'''Father Ted''': Yes. If there's one thing I hate it is hypocrisy. :''(A happy Father Liam suddenly comes to the window with a newspaper. He pointed Ted the front page in big bold headlines reading ''''''"Priest praises lovely bottoms"'''''')'' <hr width=50%/> === Cigarettes and Alcohol and Rollerblading === :'''Mrs Doyle''': Who wants their afternoon drink? :'''Father Jack''': Drink?! Oh yes! :'''Father Ted''': '''No!''' :'''Father Jack''': No? :'''Father Ted''': No Father, it's [[w:Lent|Lent]] remember, you said you'd give it up for a couple of days. :'''Father Jack''': What? :'''Father Ted''': Do you not remember you said you'd offer it up for Our Lord? :'''Father Jack''': ''(mishears "Our Lord")'' Arnold? Who's Arnold? :'''Father Ted''': No, Our Lord. I suppose, I made your vow for you. But I know that deep down inside you'd like to make a little sacrifice. :'''Father Jack''': Sacrifice? Arse! <hr width=50%/> :''(Their Lenten vows have been hard to keep, so Ted is on the phone to get help)'' :'''Father Ted''': ''(speaking to Dougal)'' One day! You think we could go one day without giving in to temptation. ''(Ted speaks into phone)'' Hello? Hello? ''(speaks to Dougal again)'' God almighty, when I think of the sacrifices that [[w:Matt Talbot|Matty Hyslop]] made... :'''Father Dougal''': Who? :'''Father Ted''': Matty Hyslop. He was a notorious drunkard who found God and then decided to punish himself for his sins. Oh he used to do all kinds of things. Like he had this terrible allergic reaction to cats, so instead of avoiding them, he used to carry a kitten in his pocket. He'd sniff it from time to time. His head just inflated like a balloon. :'''Father Dougal''': Fair play to him. :'''Father Ted''': I mean Dougal could you not knock the rollerblading on the head for a couple of weeks? :'''Father Dougal''': ''(upset at himself)'' I know, I know Ted. I used to be happy enough with the old bike, you know. I used to get a great buzz just going down to the shops. But after a while it just wasn't enough! I just kept going for bigger and bigger thrills! But I could handle it Ted, I could quit any time I want. :'''Father Ted''': Well you tried to quit yesterday and you couldn't! :'''Father Dougal''': ''(breaks down)'' You're right Ted. I admit it! I have a problem! :''(Dougal falls to the floor at Ted's feet)'' <hr width=50%/> ''(Phone Conversation)'' :'''Nun''': On special offer this month we have the Lenten package. £150 - plus V.A.T. - plus booking fee, that's £200. :'''Father Ted''': £200?! I'm not trying to buy cocaine! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mrs Doyle''': (While Ted is trying to eat a sausage) They were a bit obsessed with the old...S-E-X. God I'm glad I never think of that type of thing Father. That whole sexual world. God, when you think of it it's a dirty, filthy thing, isn't it Father? Can you imagine Father? Can you imagine Father, looking up at your husband, and him standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself? God almighty can you imagine that Father? Can you picture it there Father? Oh get a good mental picture of it. Can you see him there? Ready to do the business? <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': It looks like the last of the alcohol's left his system. I think he might actually be sober. Is that it, Father? Are you seeing things as they really are at last? :'''Father Jack''': (clutching his head) OH MY GOD! :'''Father Ted''': Yes, that's it alright.... I suppose sobriety for Father Jack must be like taking some sort of mad hallucinogenic. :'''Father Jack''': Where are the other two? :'''Father Ted''': "The other two?" Ah, I see, the old vision's back to normal. No, it's just us, Father. :'''Father Jack''': And what do you two do then? :'''Father Ted''': Well, we're priests. :'''Father Jack''': What? ''Priests?'' (panics) Don't tell me I'm still on that feckin' island! :'''Father Ted''': How are you feeling, Father? It must be great to be sober every once in a while. Or... every twelve years. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Jack''': (After sobering up) (pointing at various items in the room) Chair! Curtains! Floor! (points at Father Ted) Gobshite! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Jack''': (After sobering up) Hey! Hey, you there! What the hell is this? (holds up a spoon) <hr width=50%/> :''(The Matty Hyslop group have sent a nun around to help them keep their Lenten vows)'' :'''Father Ted''': Hello there. (''Ted realises who it is'') Ah! Sister Assumpta! :'''Sister Assumpta''': ''(shakes Ted's hand)'' Hello Father! :'''Father Ted''': Dougal! Do you remember Sister Assumpta? :''(pause)'' :'''Father Dougal''': Ah no. :'''Father Ted''': She was here last year. And then we stayed with her in the convent back in [[w:Kildare|Kildare]]. Do you remember it? :''(Dougal shakes his head. No)'' :'''Father Ted''': Ah you do! And then you were hit by the car when you went down to the shops for the paper. :''(Dougal shakes his head)'' :'''Father Ted''': You must remember all that! And then you won a hundred pounds with your lottery card? Ah you must remember it Dougal! :''(Assumpta and Ted look eagerly at Dougal, who continues to be confused and not remember)'' :'''Sister Assumpta''': And when you were accidentally arrested for shoplifting? I remember we had to go down to the police station to get you! :''(pause)'' :'''Sister Assumpta''': And the police station went on fire? And you had to be rescued by helicopter? :''(Dougal shakes his head)'' :'''Father Ted''': Do you remember? You can't remember any of that? :''(Dougal shakes his head)'' :'''Father Ted''': The helicopter! When you fell out of the helicopter! Over the zoo! Do you remember the tigers? You don't remember? :''(Dougal shakes his head)'' :'''Father Ted''': You were wearing your blue jumper. :'''Father Dougal''': ''(suddenly remembers)'' Ahhhh! Sister Assumpta! ''(shakes her hand)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Jack''' [''points at Sister Assumpta'']: Nan! :'''Father Ted''': No, it's ''nun''. :'''Father Jack''' [''Terrified'']: Nun?! ''[screams and hurls himself straight through the window]'' :'''Father Ted''': ''[Waves]'' Bye, Father! Don’t worry about him, he's just gone out for his walk. <hr width=50%/> :''(It is the first morning of their Lenten vows. Ted and Dougal are served breakfast by Sister Assumpta)'' :'''Father Ted''': Sister Assumpta, you know we really are only up for the basic booze, fags and rollerblading deal. I mean, the getting up early thing is great but... :''(Ted realises what is in his bowl for breakfast)'' :'''Father Ted''': ...This is water. :'''Sister Assumpta''': That's right. :'''Father Ted''': ....Alright, alright, having a bit of a laugh with the big thickos from the island. Where's our real breakfast? :'''Father Dougal''': Ted, I'd love a pop-tart. :'''Father Ted''': Yes, Father Dougal likes his pop tarts first thing in the morning. :'''Sister Assumpta''': (Dismissively) I really don't think ''pop tarts'' have any place in our Lord's plan for the world. :'''Father Ted''': I think they have as much a place as anything else. Maybe our Lord doesn't take a personal interest in them but I'm sure He delegates them to someone almost as important. :'''Father Dougal''': What about....Frosties? :'''Father Ted''': Again, same thing: He might not have come up with the idea but He'd be the one who'd give them the green light. :'''Father Dougal''': Oh right. But if you take something like, say, Sugar Puffs, now or Lucky Charms- :'''Sister Assumpta''': FATHERS, COULD YOU PLEASE- Could you please stop having that conversation, finish your breakfast and come outside for your daily punishment. <hr width=50%/> :''(having had enough of Sister Assumpta's methods, Ted and Dougal plan to escape)'' :'''Father Ted''': I'll leave her a note saying we've gone to a funeral or something. :'''Father Dougal''': Or... an autopsy! Why don't we say we had to go to an autopsy instead! That'd be more exciting! <hr width=50%/> === New Jack City === <hr width=50%/> :'''Horse racing commentator''': And it's [[w:Fifteenth Amendment of the Constitution of Ireland|Divorce Referendum]] in the lead, followed by Glory Be To God. Glory Be To God creeps ahead of Divorce Referendum... :'''Father Ted''': Come on, Divorce Referendum! Come on, Divorce Referendum! :'''Horse racing commentator''': Divorce Referendum is way in front; Divorce Referendum is speeding towards victory... :'''Father Ted''': Yes! Yes! :'''Horse racing commentator''': Oh, no! Disaster for Divorce Referendum as he turns in the opposite direction and simply runs off the course! :'''Father Ted''': Oh, flip! You flipping, flipping flipper! Oh, it's the knacker's yard for you, pal! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Fintan Stack''': I want to listen to some music. :'''Father Ted''': Oh, go right ahead. :'''Father Stack''': I wasn't asking for permission. :''(Father Stack plays Limb by Limb by Cutty Ranks on his Boombox)'' ::''Limb by Limb, we are gon cut dem down'' ::''Send fi the hacksaw, take out the tongue.'' ::''See me me me me me, see di hit man ah come.'' ::''See me me me me me, said me just can dun.'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': He's not a very nice man, is he? :'''Dougal''': God Ted I've never met anyone like him anyway. Who would he be like? Hitler or one of those mad fellas. :'''Father Ted''': Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at three o'clock in the morning! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Fintan Stack''': What are we watching? :'''Father Ken Dillon''': We're looking at the sports day. :'''Father Fintan Stack''': Lots of young fellas running around in shorts? That's the kind of thing you like looking at. ''(Turns to Father Shanahan)'' And I'll bet you like that too. You're probably imagining what they'd look like without shorts. You're sitting there, imagining that, with a big smile on your face. ''Ya dirty fecker''. :'''Father Ted''': Father Stack, if you're trying to embarrass us, you're not succeeding. :'''Father Stack''': Yes I am. :'''Father Rory Shanahan''': Well I have to say, I think that you're a very rude man. :'''Father Stack''': If you ever say that to me again, I'll put your head through the wall. :''(Door swings open, sound of beer cans being kicked. Dougal comes in; he's very obviously drunk)'' :'''Father Ted''': Dougal, where did you go to? :'''Dougal''': Ted, how are ya! :'''Father Ted''': ''(Dougal hugs Ted, Ted resists)'' Dougal, what the... :'''Dougal''': Guess what, Ted? :'''Father Ted''': What? :'''Dougal''':''(confused)'' What? :'''Father Ted''': Dougal! Have you been drinking? :'''Dougal''': I have, Ted! I've been drinking like a mad eejit! No, no, oh wait! ''(gives a drawn-out wink to Father Stack)'' No I haven't! :'''Father Ted''': Dougal, I'm ashamed of you. :'''Dougal''': ''(shakes Ted)'' Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted, Ted. Come here Teddy, Teddy, Ted, Ted, you're my best friend. God I love being a priest. We're all going to heaven lads, waheyy. :'''Father Stack''': Perhaps I should explain, your little friend and I were enjoying ourselves with a bottle of whiskey I found upstairs. :'''Father Ted''': Oh, well, that is the last straw. :'''Dougal''': I'm driving! I'm driving home, I'm perfectly capable... ''(passes out. Fintan picks up the car keys)'' :'''Father Stack''': Oh, by the way. I got the keys to your car, and I drove it into a big wall. If you don't like it, tough! ''(uses key to clean out his ear)'' I had my fun, and that's all that matters. :'''Dougal''': I can see up your trousers, Ted! :'''Father Ted''': Right, well that's it. I thought giving alcohol to Dougal was the last straw, but I was obviously wrong as this is definitely the last bit of straw left in the thing. Basically what I'm saying is... there's ''no more straw left''! :'''Father Shanahan''': Ted, it's getting a little late. :'''Father Dillon''': Yes, I really think we should go. :'''Father Ted''': No, you don't have to go. :'''Father Shanahan''': I think we should. :'''Father Stack''': ''(leers at the two priests as they exit)'' Woooh! Bye girls! Pair of wankers. :'''Father Ted''': Oh right, that's it. Come on Dougall, I think we've had quite enough of Father Stack's company for one evening. :'''Dougal''': To the pub, Ted. === Flight into Terror === :'''Father Noel Furlong''': Oh God! He must have seen his reflection! He's not supposed to see his reflection! He doesn't know he's a priest! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Gallagher:''' Shouldn't we not just have a bit of an old pray, and maybe God will help us, and... :''[He trails off, noticing that all the other priests are cringing in mortification, and promptly sits back down]'' :'''Father Ted:''' Aaaaanyway... <hr width=50%/> :''[the priests are holding a competition to find out who should get the two parachutes on the plane]'' :'''Father Ted''': Father Cave, do you want to go first? :'''Father Cave''': I haven't written this down, because this comes from the heart. Father Gallagher, I've known you and been your friend for many years. And I think it's important to say, I love you. I love you more than anyone I've ever loved! I don't want the parachute, give it to him! ''[sits down and bursts into tears, while the other priests look taken aback]'' :'''Father Ted''': R-right, well done, Father Cave. Father Fay? :''[Fay stands up, clears his throat, then yells monkey-style gibberish while waving his arms around. The other priests look awed and clap admiringly]'' :'''Father Ted''': Well, beat that! Joe? :'''Father Joe Briefly''': I think I should get the parachute because I'm great. In fact, I think I should get both the parachutes, in case one of them doesn't work! ''[disapproving grumbles from the other priests]'' :'''Father Ted''': Not a popular one, Joe. Father Flynn, what did you write? :'''Father Flynn''': I haven't written anything, because I'm not really good at that type of thing. But I did a drawing. :'''Father Ted''': Right, well, can we have a look? :''[Flynn reveals the drawing; it shows himself naked from behind, while walking a dog]'' :'''Father Flynn''': What do you think? :'''Father Ted''': Well, er... :'''Father Flynn''': It's me, in the nip, with a dog! :'''Father Ted''': ''[bewildered]'' What... how... how does that help you win a parachute? :'''Father Flynn''': What do you mean, parachute? I wasn't listening at the start, there. Why would I want a parachute? :'''Father Ted''': The plane's in trouble, and there's a competition to see who gets a parachute. :'''Father Flynn''': Ohh... ''[sits down, looking shellshocked]'' :'''Father Ted''': Okay, er, Father Jack, you next. ''[there is no response. The priests look around, but Jack is nowhere in sight]'' Father Jack? Where's Father Jack? :'''Pilot''': The parachutes! The parachutes have gone! :''[we see Father Jack, standing at one of the aeroplane's doors; he has one of the parachutes for himself, and has strapped the other to the drinks trolley. He pushes the trolley out, then follows it]'' :'''Father Jack''': ''[echoing]'' DRIIIIIIIIIIIIINK! <hr width=50%/> :''[After Ted has climbed out of the plane, reattached the fuel line to the engine and saved the day, he remembers his fear of flying]'' :'''Father Ted''': ''[terrified]'' AHHHHHH! WHAT AM I DOING ON THE FECKING WHEELS!? AHHHH! == A Christmassy Ted == (''Ted is having a pleasant dream when Dougal wakes him up'') :'''Dougal''': [''Excitedly''] Ted! Ted! :'''Ted''': [''startled''] Wah! What?! What?! :'''Dougal''': [''holding out a bag of peanuts''] Would you like a peanut? :'''Ted''': A peanut? You woke me up to offer me a peanut?! God, Dougal! :'''Dougal''': Sorry Ted. :'''Ted''': Go to bed! (''Ted falls asleep and starts dreaming again. He is running terrified down a hill, being chased by giant peanuts'') <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dougal''': God, I can't wait to see what's under tomorrow's window. I bet it's a donkey or something. :'''Father Ted''': Really? So, you've changed from your initial prediction of... what was it again? "Ruud Gullit sitting on a shed." God, Dougal, where do you get these ideas from? I bet it's just a lovely angel. What would you say is behind tomorrow's window, Father Jack? :'''Father Jack''': A PAIR OF FECKIN' WOMEN'S KNICKERS! :'''Father Ted''': Well... who knows? :'''Father Jack''': KNICKERS! :'''Father Ted''': Yes, Father. :'''Father Jack''': WOMEN'S KNICKERS! :'''Father Ted''': Yes, Father, yes! Message understood! God almighty! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': Oh God, we're in the Lingerie! Dougal. We're in Lingerie! :'''Dougal''': Where's the problem there, Ted? <hr width=50%/> (Eight priests are now lost in Ireland's biggest lingerie section) :'''Father Ted''': Father Bigley, I want you on point. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': Who's got the most boring voice? :'''Billy''': What? :'''Father Ted''': Of the lot of us, who's got the most boring voice? :'''Fitzgerald''': ''(extremely dull voice)'' That'd be me, Ted... :'''Father Ted''': Right, now, listen to me-- :'''Fitzgerald''': I have an awful, dreary monotonous voice, God help me... :'''Father Ted''': Yes, yes, now listen-- :'''Reilly''': ''(loud stage voice)'' '''Ted! Were you asking for a dramatic, exciting voice?''' :'''Fitzgerald''': No. He said boring. He wanted a boring voice. :'''Reilly''': '''In that case, you must excuse me for my impetuous interruption'''! :'''Father Ted''': Listen! This is what we're going to do... :'''Dougal''': ''(to Father Terry)'' What's going on? :'''Terry''': I think Ted has a plan. :'''Dougal''': No, I mean in general. :'''Terry''': Well, he's going to get us out of the lingerie section. :'''Fitzgerald''': ''(speaking into intercom, boring voice)'' Ladies and gentlemen, could you please bring your purchases to the checkout as the store is about to close. Hurry up. Come on, hurry up, will ye... :''(customers begin to walk towards the gathered priests)'' :'''Father Ted''': ''(grabbing the microphone)'' Not that way, for feck's sake, the other way! Move! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mrs Doyle''': Well, it's not before time Father. I always thought you were one of the best priests in the country. :'''Father Ted''': Thank you very much Mrs Doyle. ''One'' of the best? Or maybe ''the'' best? Hahaha, go on Mrs Doyle! Honestly, would you say I'm the best priest in the country at the moment? :'''Mrs Doyle''': Well... :'''Father Ted''': If you don't think I'm the best priest in the country, just say so. I honestly won't mind! :'''Mrs Doyle''': I'd say you might be... ''the second best''! :''[Contrary to his previous statement, Father Ted looks very disappointed]'' :'''Mrs Doyle''': I mean -- :'''Father Ted''': No, it's alright! I'm not the best priest in the country, I'm only the second best. There's somebody better than me, apparently. :'''Mrs Doyle''': Well, Father, I was just thinking of those priests who work in ''very'' poor areas. :'''Father Ted''': Oh yeah, of course, those lads! Father Archbishop Desmond Tutu and the likes! :'''Mrs Doyle''': Well, I think Archbishop Tutu is a Protestant man! :''[Both laugh]'' :'''Father Ted''': Hahaha, oh right! Oh great! So a Protestant is better than me. :''[Mrs Doyle tries to console Ted]'' :'''Father Ted''': No, no no, there's no need to continue this, I'm not the best, I'm just the second best. Apparently the Golden Cleric is a runner-up prize. Well, I'm so sorry! Obviously I'm just an idiot! Obviously I can't even say Mass properly! :'''Mrs Doyle''': Father, I was just -- :'''Father Ted''': '''NO'''! Don't take it back! '''THAT'S''' what you said! You said I wasn't the best priest in the country! That's fine! I just wanted to know where I stand. Obviously now I'm just going to have to jack it in. :'''Mrs Doyle''': '''WHAT'''?! :'''Father Ted''': I'm leaving the priesthood! :'''Mrs Doyle''': '''BUT FATHER!''' :'''Father Ted''': '''NO'''! I am going to write a letter to Bishop Brennan asking for early retirement and maybe when I go, you can ask the other priest; "Father Peter Perfect, the Perfect Priest" to come here and you can work for him since he's obviously '''''such a great priest'''''! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': Hello, is this "being vaguely unhappy but not being able to figure out exactly why"? :'''Priest 1''': No, this is "how to break the news of a death". :'''Priest 2''': We were just talking about techniques, I say it's best to just get it over quickly, "Your husband's dead and he's not coming back, get used to it!" :'''Priest 1''': Ah, yes, but sometimes a few little hints help, like "remember how your husband USED to love a good laugh?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Mrs. Doyle''': Father, while you were out for your walk, we had a phone call. I think you were supposed to do a funeral today... :'''Father Ted''': ''[horrified]'' The funeral! I completely forgot all about it! :'''Mrs. Doyle''': It's alright! Father McGuire said he'd do it. :'''Father Ted''': ''[calming down]'' That's ok so... ''[realises what she said and panics]'' DOUGAL'S DOING A FUNERAL?! YOU LET DOUGAL DO A FUNERAL?! ''[cut to a cemetery, where the hearse is sticking out of the open grave, and on fire, with the coffin propped up against it. Paramedics help the funeralgoers to safety, while a soot-faced undertaker glares at Dougal]'' :'''Dougal''': Sorry about that. ''[the hearse explodes]'' <hr width=50%/> ''[Mrs Doyle is trying to guess the name of a priest who is attending the Golden Cleric award ceremony]'' :'''Mrs Doyle''': Father Andy Riley. :'''Priest''': No. :'''Mrs Doyle''': Father Desmond Coyle. ''[priest shakes head]'' Father George Byrne? Father David Nicholson? Father Declan Lynch? :'''Priest''': I'll give you a clue. :'''Mrs Doyle''': NO CLUES!! I'll get it in a second. Father Ken Sweeney? Father [[w:Neil Hannon|Neil Hannon]]? Father Keith Cullen? Father Ciaran Donnelly? Father Mick McEvoy? Father Jack White? ''[fade out and back in; Mrs Doyle still guessing]'' :'''Mrs Doyle''': Father Henry Bigbigging? Father Hank Tree? Father Hiroshima Twinkie? Father Stig Bubblecard? Father Johnny Hellzapoppin’? Father Luke Duke? Father Billy Ferry? Father [[w:List_of_confectionery_brands#C|Chewy Louie]]? Father John Hoop? Father Hairycake Lynam? Father Rabulah Conundrum? Father Peewee Stairmaster? Father Tighthead Lips? Father Jemima Ractoole? Father Jerry Twig? Father Spodo Komodo? Father Cannabranna Lammer? Father Todd Unctious? :'''Priest (Father Todd Unctious)''': YES! Well done! ''[Mrs Doyle looks very pleased with herself]'' == Series 3 == === Are You Right There, Father Ted? === :''[on discovering that Father Jack has taken to living in a box]'' :'''Father Ted''': Maybe he's agoraphobic. :'''Father Dougal''': Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted. <hr width=50%> :'''Father Ted''': Dougal, look. :''(Dougal gives Ted a lampshade that he is holding. Ted puts it on his head and proceeds to do an offensive impression of a Chinese person)'' :'''Father Ted''': I am Chinese, if you please! :'''Father Ted''': Come on, Dougal, lighten up! ''[Chuckles]'' :''(Ted turns around, and sees a family of Chinese people watching through the window. He is horrified, and takes the lampshade off of his head.)'' :'''Father Ted''': ''[pointing at the window]'' Dougal, there were Chinese people there! :'''Father Dougal''': All right, yeah. :'''Father Ted''': I mean, what... what... :'''Father Dougal''': That's the Yin family. They're living over there in that old Chinatown area. :'''Father Ted''': Chinatown area?! There's a Chinatown on Craggy Island?! Dougal, I wouldn't have done a Chinaman impression if I'd known there was gonna be a Chinaman there to ''see'' me doing a Chinaman impression! :'''Father Dougal''': Why not, Ted? :'''Father Ted''': Because... Because it's racist! They'll think I'm a racist! I'm gonna have to catch up with them and explain I'm not a racist! <hr width=50%/> :'''Colm''': Hello there, Father! :'''Father Ted''': Ah, hello Colm! Out and about? :'''Colm''': Yeah. Same as yourself. :'''Father Ted''': Good, good! :'''Colm''': I hear you're a racist now, Father! :'''Father Ted''': Wha-what? :'''Colm''': How'd you get interested in that type of thing? :'''Father Ted''': Who said I'm a racist?! :'''Colm''': Everyone's saying it, Father! Should we all be racist now? What's the official line the Church has taken on this? :'''Father Ted''': No! No- :'''Colm''': Only, the farm takes up most of the day, and at night I just like a cup of tea. I mightn't be able to devote myself full-time to the old racism. :'''Mrs. Carberry''': Good for you, Father! :'''Father Ted''': What? Oh, Mrs. Carberry! :'''Mrs. Carberry''': Good for you, Father! Well someone had the guts to stand up to them at last! Coming over here, taking and our jobs and our women, and acting like they own the feckin' place! Well done Father! Good for you! '''Good for you!''' I'd like to feckin'... ''[slipping and sliding on the muddy ground]'' Feckin' Greeks! :'''Colm''': It isn't the Greeks, it's the Chinese he's after! :'''Father Ted''': '''I AM NOT AFTER THE CHINESE!''' :'''Mrs. Carberry''': I don't care who he gets as long as I can have a go at the Greeks! They invented gayness! :'''Father Ted''': LOOK, WE ARE NOT HAVING A GO AT ANYBODY! I AM NOT A RACIST, ALL RIGHT?! God! :'''Mrs. Carberry''': '''FECKIN' GREEKS'''! :''[...]'' :'''Colm''': How's Mary? :'''Mrs. Carberry''': She's fine, she got that job after all. :'''Colm''': Great! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': Look at that! A perfectly square bit of black dirt on the window! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': But best of all the Chinese people themselves. Look at them there, aren't they great? The Chinese; a great bunch of lads. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Seamus Fitzpatrick''': You old fool, I've sheltered you for fifty years, you've never even made me a cup of tea! :'''Nazi Veteran''': ''You'' make the tea, ''I'' do the washing up! :'''Father Seamus Fitzpatrick''': When did ''you'' do the washing up?! :'''Nazi Veteran''': I did it for the whole of 1947, and again in 1973! :'''Father Seamus Fitzpatrick''': YOU LIAR! You broke all the plates and then you said "Ah, I am so tired! I never had to wash up plates when I was in the [[w:Wehrmacht|Wehrmacht!]]" <hr width=50%/> :''[Father Fitzpatrick and his Nazi friend take two valium]'' :'''Father Seamus Fitzpatrick''': Wait, these aren't [[w:Valium|Valium]]! These are the [[w:Suicide pill|cyanide]] we kept for emergencies! You put cyanide next to the Valium, you old fool, that's asking for trouble! :'''Nazi Veteran''': Oh, shut up! :'''Father Seamus Fitzpatrick''': You shut up! We've only got fifteen seconds to live! <hr width=50%/> :'''Sean Yin''': Well, the slide show was a big pile of crap. But the free drink, very much appreciated! Thank you Father Crilly! :'''Father Ted''': Yes well, I just wanted to clear things up; I'm not a fascist, I'm a priest. Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas... priests... More drink! :'''All''': ''Hooray!'' :''[...]'' :'''Father Ted''': To China! :'''All''': ''Hooray!'' :'''Sean Yin''': To Craggy Island! :'''All''': ''Hooray!'' :'''Father Ted''': More drink! :'''All''': ''Hooray!'' :'''Bartender''': I'm sorry, the bar's closed. :'''All''': ''Hooray!'' :'''Father Ted''': Tell you what, how about everybody goes back to my place for a drink? :'''All''': ''Hooray!'' :'''Father Dougal''': Wait, I need to go to the toilet first! :'''All''': ''Hooray!'' <hr width=50%/> :''[After unwittingly bringing the Chinese back to a Parochial House full of Nazi memorabilia]'' :'''Father Ted''': ...I can explain everything! ''[beat]'' Actually, no, I can't. === Chirpy Burpy Cheap Sheep === :'''Fargo''': Father Crilley! Hello there! :'''Father Ted''': Fargo! ''(nods towards Chris the sheep)'' How's the champ? :'''Fargo''': Ah he's great. Few quid on him this year Father? :'''Father Ted''': I put the entire annual heating allowance on him to win. :'''Fargo''': If he doesn't win... what does that mean Father? :'''Father Ted''': Well... we won't have any heating. But if the rest of the year stays as warm as the summer, we're laughing! <hr width=50%/> :''(Hud and Giant are having a practiced conversation in front of Chris the sheep, knowing that the animal is listening to them)'' :'''Hud''': Have you heard of this creature going around terrorizing animals on the island? :'''Giant''': No! Tell me more. :'''Hud''': They say it's as big as a jaguar. :'''Giant''': The car? :'''Hud''': No, the big cat thing. And its face is nothing but big white teeth as sharp as knives. :'''Giant''': Has it killed yet? :'''Hud''': No, but it's only a matter of time. :'''Giant''': Hope it doesn't attack me and my sheep. :'''Hud''': Not even a man's sheep is safe. :'''Giant''': Oh dear. :''(The camera moves to a close up of Chris the Sheep's face)'' :'''Hud''': Oooohhhh... ''(ie worrying sound)'' :'''Giant''': Oooohhhh... :'''Hud''': Oooohhhh... :''(Worrying sounds from Hud and Giant continue)'' <hr width=50%/> :''(Dougal is listening to a BBC sound effects record while Ted reads the paper)'' :'''Father Dougal''': I think people will soon give up listening to pop music and listen to this type of thing instead. :'''Father Ted''': You know, from what I hear the charts today, I'm not sure if that's happening already! :'''Father Dougal''': ''(confused)'' What? <hr width=50%/> :'''Mrs Doyle''': Do you think our new guest would like a cup of tea Father? The little sheep fellow. (''laughs simperingly'') :'''Father Ted''': I don't think they drink tea Mrs Doyle. Not unless you have some sheep tea (''laughs'') :'''Mrs Doyle''' (''suddenly serious''): Yes. :'''Father Ted''' (''taken aback''): What? :'''Mrs Doyle''': Yes, we do have some sheep tea. :'''Father Ted''': Oh. Well... you'd better... give him some of that, then. :'''Mrs Doyle''' (''overjoyed''): Okay so! <hr width=50%/> :'''Indiscernible audience member at the competition''' ''(whenever something shocking is revealed)'': Fuckin' hell! <hr width=50%/> :'''Alan''': Should I call the police, Father? :'''Father Ted''': No. He's lost the trust of his sheep. That's punishment enough for a farmer who deals primarily...with sheep. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': God, Dougal, you should have seen him. He's just a shadow of a sheep... :'''Father Dougal''': I'm not surprised, Ted. If I was a sheep, I'd be watching my back right now. :'''Father Ted''': Why? :'''Father Dougal''': Because of the beast. They say it's as big as four cats and it's got a retractable leg so's it can leap up at you better. And you know what, Ted, it lights up at night and it's got four ears, two of them are for listening and the other two are kind of back-up ears. Its claws are as big as cups and for some reason, it's got a tremendous fear of stamps! Mrs Doyle was telling me that it's got magnets on its tail, so's if you're made out of metal it can attach itself to you and instead of a mouth, it's got four arses! :'''Father Ted''': DOUGAL! It's a legend, it doesn't exist! :'''Father Dougal''': Right Ted, the way the Phantom of the Opera doesn't exist. :'''Father Ted''': The Phantom of the Opera DOESN'T exist! Look, I'm not going to get involved in another what exists and what doesn't exist debate, but I'm gonna have to insist you add those last two to the chart! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': If there's one place he can be absolutely assured of peace and quiet... :'''Father Jack''': AH, FECK! ''[Father Jack falls down the stairs shouting]'' Feck, feck, feck, feck, feck! :'''Father Ted''': I think it would be an insult to you if I were to finish that sentence. === Speed 3 === :'''Dougal''': ''(referring to the baby competition)'' I thought the standard this year was rubbish. :'''Ted''': It was awful alright. A lot of very sloppy babies, who looked as though they really couldn't be bothered. And the hairiness of some of those babies; It was a very hairy baby parade. :'''Dougal''': Exactly Ted, if people aren't even going to shave their babies before they come out, I mean... <hr width=50%/> :'''Pat''': You wouldn't be advising the use of artificial contraception now Father? Would ya? :'''Father Ted''': Yes I...no I...if you're going to be...I...of course you, you...''just feck off''! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': [''trips over a brick Jack is dragging round on a piece of string''] Wha... what's going on!? :'''Mrs Doyle''': Father Hackett's got very fond of that brick. It's a great old pet for him! He doesn't have to feed it or clean it or take it to the vet. Suits him down to the ground! :'''Father Jack''': I love my brick! :'''Father Ted''': Ah, that's nice. Maybe we're seeing a new side to Father Jack? A more caring, considera-- :''[Jack suddenly hurls the brick at Ted, knocking him out]'' :'''Father Jack''': Ah, feck it! Fed up with "briiiiiick"! <hr width=50%/> :''[After Father Dougal has encountered some naked women at the very beginning of the episode; last line of the episode]'' :'''Father Dougal''': Those women were in the nip! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mr. Fox''': ''(Dougal's New Boss)'' You'd better get going, actually. Milk gets sour y'know. Unless it's UHT milk, but there's no demand for that because it's shite. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mrs. Doyle''': Oh, Pat was wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box. :'''Father Ted''': What! How dare you...! :'''Pat''' (raising an enormous adjustable spanner): Yes, too big for the milk float. <hr width=50%/> :'''Pat''': ''[In a menacing phone call to Ted]'' You got me sacked. And now I'm having to [[w:Masturbation|yank meself off]] around the clock because I haven't got any proper sex with girls! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': [after Ted puts the brick on the accelerator and tells him to step off the float, waving the brick in the air] Ted! You forgot your brick! <hr width=50%/> :'''Pat''': ''(still laughing evilly in the phone box)'' Oh yes, I'm afraid you messed with the wrong milkman, Father. ''(puts on sunglasses)'' Well, if you don't mind, I'm off. Better get out the earplugs, Father, because when that milk float goes up ''(the bomb-rigged milk float, now with no driver, wanders up behind the phone box without Pat noticing)'', you'll hear it all the way to the North Po- :''(The scene cuts to an Inuit man fishing in the Arctic. He hears a large explosion and looks around in confusion, indicating that the milk float has detonated, killing Pat. The scene then cuts to the parochial house telephone, which is now buzzing.)'' === The Mainland === :'''Father Jack''': Feckin' birds again. <hr width=50%/> :''(Jack is having his eyesight tested)'' :'''Optician''': Well, I must say, I'm confused. His eyesight seems to be better than ever before. He read right down to the very last line, and even I can't see that one. :''(The chart is revealed to repeat the word "drink" over and over again with the letters getting smaller each time)'' :'''Ted''': I think I know what happened. You see, Father Jack has a great fondness for saying that particular word. :'''Optician''': Well, it's the first time I've used that eye chart actually. I got it free with a promotional crate of Carlsberg. :'''Ted''': Okay, we'll come back and pick Jack up later. (They leave) :'''Optician''': Now, Father. This chart was given to me by Slovakia's premier lens manufacturers, Feck Arse Industries. ''(The new chart is revealed to repeat the words "Feck Arse" over and over again with the letters getting smaller each time)'' <hr width=50%/> :''Upon meeting [[w:Richard Wilson (Scottish actor)|Richard Wilson]], a.k.a. [[w:Victor Meldrew|Victor Meldrew]]'' :'''Father Ted''': You know what he'd love? He'd really love it if someone came up to him and said his catchphrase. :'''Father Dougal''': Oh, yeah, Ted! He'd love that! You should definitely do that. :'''Father Ted''': Should I? :'''Father Dougal''': Oh, yeah. I'd say no-one ever does that to him. He'll think you're hilarious. You know, this is one of those times where I'm absolutely, one hundred million percent sure that you'll be doing the right thing. I can safely say that you definitely, definitely won't regret doing that. :'''Father Ted''': Okay, I'm going to do it. Will I? :'''Father Dougal''': Yeah, go on! :'''Father Ted''': Okay, hold the camera. :''[Ted walks over to Wilson, who is talking to a tour guide]'' :'''Father Ted''': (yells loudly) I DON'T BELIEVE IT! :''[Wilson violently assaults Ted, and has to be restrained]'' :'''Richard Wilson''': I'll bloody well kill you! :''[Ted eventually escapes Wilson, and walks back to Dougal, looking shellshocked]'' :'''Father Dougal''': Well? What did he say? Did he laugh? :'''Father Ted''': No. No, no, no. Not really. I'm going to sit down now. <hr width=50%/> :''[Father Jack is unwittingly attending an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting]'' :'''Ronald''': At that stage, I was drinking over a pint of vodka a day. :'''Father Jack''': YES! :'''Ronald''': Yes. At that point, all I could think about was where the next drink was coming from. :'''Father Jack''': DRINK! :'''Ronald''': I didn't give a damn about my wife or kids. :'''Father Jack''': Bleurghhhhhh! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tour Guide''': Now, this rock here is actually granite. :'''Father Ted''': How long would that have been there? :'''Tour Guide''': Oh, many, many millions of years. :'''Father Ted''': Really, as long as that? That is fascinating. :'''Father Dougal''': How come all the rocks are different sizes? :'''Tour Guide''': Well... you know, rocks are ''generally'' different sizes. :'''Father Dougal''': Wow! I'm finding out all kinds of things I never knew about rocks. :'''Tour Guide''': Of course, at this time, this whole area would have been submerged underwater. :'''Father Dougal''': How did everyone breathe? :'''Father Ted''': They'd have had some sort of apparatus. :'''Father Dougal''': Oh, right. Wow, look at that rock over there! :'''Tour Guide''': This is actually the oldest part of our tour. This particular cave was formed more than fifteen million years ago. :'''Father Ted''': Wow, I don't believe it. :''[the man in front of Ted turns around; it's Richard Wilson]'' :'''Richard Wilson''': You again! ''[attacks Ted]'' Get out of here, I don't want to see you again! BASTARD! ''[Ted and Dougal flee deeper into the caves]'' :'''Tour Guide''': That part's not open to the– ''[sees Richard Wilson]'' Oh, Mr Wilson, can I just say how incredibly sorry I– :'''Richard Wilson''': No, that's all right, that's all right. As long as I don't have to hear that '''bloody catchphrase''' again. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tony''': (Losing patience) WILL YOU SHUT UP! WILL YOU! WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP! WILL YOU SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP! :'''Noel Furlong''': (Offended) Well... well I've never... I've never... Tony, I'm putting you on my list of enemies. (Gets out a notepad and begins writing)There...you're in for it now Tony... (Suddenly happy again) HA! Only joking! See what I really wrote. (He shows Tony his pad. It reads "I REALLY like Tony". <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Noel Furlong''': ''[with only his hand visible]'' They were just going to find the tour operator, tell him I'm buried under a huge pile of rocks and be right back. :''[cut to]'' :'''Aer Lingus staff''': And that's four tickets to Paraguay. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Jack''': Pub! DRINK! ''[goes inside the pub and starts pounding on the bar]'' DRINK, DRINK, DRINK! '''DRINK!''' :''[Ronald happens by the pub, and sees Jack through the window. He runs inside and grabs a bottle of whiskey out of Jack's hands]'' :'''Ronald''': Don't do it, Father! I won't let you do it! I know it hurts, but believe me, you're going to thank me for-- :''[cut to an ambulance driving down the street, with its lights flashing and siren sounding]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': There was a time when the police in this country were friends of the church; speeding tickets torn up, drunk driving charges quashed, even a blind eye turned to the odd murder! <hr width=50%/> :''[last line of the episode; Richard Wilson has just arrived at the Parochial House, and Ted has answered the door]'' :'''Richard Wilson''': I DON'T BELIEVE IT! === Escape from Victory === :'''Father Dougal''': There's nothing stupid about football! And there's nothing at all stupid about the Annual All-Priests Five-a-Side over 75s Indoor Football Challenge Match, against Rugged Island. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': Didn't you tell me once that Father Jack had a trial for [[w:Liverpool F.C.|Liverpool]]? :'''Father Ted''': No... no, he was ''on'' trial, ''in'' Liverpool. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': Last year, Dick made me photocopy my own rear end. They never let me in that library again. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': God, Ted. D'you remember [[w:Gianni Versace|that fella]] who was so good at fashion they had to shoot him? <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': So there's...no way he'll be able to play? :'''Father Niall''': No. No, he's dead. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dick Byrne''': ''[on the phone]'' I ''am'' going to win again, Ted! :'''Father Ted''': Ha, that's what you think, Dick, but we've got...Wait a minute! How'd you know I was here!? :''[Dick hangs up. At the same time, an ice cream jingle plays from outside. Ted goes to the window and (presumably) sees Dick outside]'' :'''Father Ted''': DAMN YOU, FATHER DICK BYRNE! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': More bad news, Dougal. I've just been speaking to Father Ned Fitzmorris. He tripped on a paving stone and one of his kneecaps fell off. There's no way around it...I'm going to have to put him in goal. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': Dougal, I don't want you to be physio this year. I want you to... look after the corner flags. :'''Father Dougal''': Oh God, Ted, for a second there I thought you were going to give me something completely stupid to do. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mrs Doyle''': (hesitantly, while watching football and reading from the book "Understanding Football for Women") Go on... my son. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': Got the forfeit, Ted! :'''Father Ted''': Oh God... :'''Father Dougal''': Dick said it was an extra-special forfeit, because you were such a big cheatin' bastard. :'''Father Ted''': All right, open it, open it! The tension is killing me! :'''Father Dougal''': Ah don't worry Ted, he probably just wants you to clean his car or some...''[Dougal opens the letter and reads the forfeit; his expression becomes one of shock]'' :'''Father Ted''': What is it!? Break it to me gently! :'''Father Dougal''': All right. [''reads''] Ted. By this time next week you have to... :'''Father Ted''': What? :'''Father Dougal''': You have to... :'''Father Ted''': What!? [''snatches the letter off Dougal, reads it, horrified''] Kick Bishop Brennan up the arse! === Kicking Bishop Brennan up the Arse === :''[Ted is dreaming of his new parish; a tropical island, where two of the natives have dragged him to the edge of a volcano as a human sacrifice]'' :'''Father Ted''': Ah come on now, lads! :'''Native''':Quetzacoatl, the Volcano God is angry! We must appease his wrath! :'''Father Ted''': Volcano God, what nonsense! Look, I'll ask again, will you not give Catholicism another try? :'''Native''': Nah, it wouldn't really catch on here. And sure, we don't agree with the Pope's line on artificial contraception; it's the 90s, for God's sake! ''[they throw Ted in]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': I was just thinking about my next parish. Bishop Brennan is always threatening to send me somewhere unpleasant, and this time I think he just might go through with it. You see...I'm going to kick him up the arse. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dougal''': Hello Len. :'''Bishop Brennan''': Don't call me "Len", you little prick! I'm a bishop! :'''Dougal''': Oh right. ''(pause)'' Well done. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bishop Brennan''': Alright, Crilly, I’ll make this short. Show me the likeness and I'll be off. I have to be off to Rome for an audience with the pope. :'''Dougal''': I love those programmes. Have you seen the one with [[Elton John]]? :'''Bishop Brennan''': SHUT UP! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': Do you not notice the holy smell of the room? :'''Dougal''': Ah, Ted, I think that might just be Father Jack's underpants hamper. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mrs. Doyle''': Shall I make the beds in the spare room? :'''Father Jessup''': [sarcastic] No, we'll sleep outside in a ditch! :'''Mrs. Doyle''': OK so... would you like a cup of tea? :'''Father Jessup''': [sarcastic] No, We want to die of thirst. :'''Mrs. Doyle''': [uncertain] Ok so... :'''Father Ted''': [quiet] Mrs. Doyle, I think Father Jessup might have been being a bit... sarcastic... :'''Mrs. Doyle''': Really? Were you being sarcastic, Father Jessup? :'''Father Jessup''': [still sarcastic] No, we'd like to die of thirst. :'''Mrs. Doyle''': [looks confusedly at Father Ted] :'''Father Ted''': [quiet] Mrs. Doyle, I know it's a bit confusing, but the trick is to do the ''opposite'' to what Father Jessup says. :'''Mrs. Doyle''': [very uncertain] So, you really... ''do''... want a cup of tea? :'''Father Jessup''': [exasperated] Yes! [reaches out for the cup, as Mrs. Doyle pulls it away, looking very pleased with herself thinking she has understood correctly. Father Jack awakens and moves, rattling some cans of drink] :'''Bishop Brennan''': Aha, the Kraken awakes! Did we disturb you, Father Hackett? :'''Father Jack''': Arse biscuits! :'''Father Jessup''': What? How dare you speak to his grace like that! Apologise immediately! :'''Father Jack''': [''in a sarcastic manner''] I'm so, so, sorry. [''wiggles his nose like a rabbit''] :'''Father Ted''': [''addressing Mrs Doyle''] Now, ''that's'' sarcasm. <hr width=50%/> :''[During Bishop Brennan's meeting with [[w:Pope John Paul II|Pope John Paul II]]]'' :'''Bishop Brennan''': HE DID KICK ME UP THE ARSE! ''[bowls the Pope aside and runs for a phone]'' Get me on the first plane back to Ireland! NOW, GODDAMN IT! ''[hangs up and sees the other priests, bishops and cardinals staring at him]'' What're ye looking at, huh!? <hr width=50%/> :'''Mrs Doyle''': Father Jessup, what are you doing in Father Hackett's underpants hamper? :'''Father Jessup''': He locked me in here! Oh God... The smell! :'''Mrs Doyle''': Are you not terribly uncomfortable in there? :'''Father Jessup''': Of course I'm uncomfortable! I want to get out..." :'''Mrs Doyle''': [thinks for a few moments, before coming to a conclusion] Okay so! [leaves] :'''Father Jessup''': Where are you going? HELP ME! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bishop Brennan''': [angry] What brings me here?! Well I suppose the company, eh? Or the fresh air? Or the view from my window of that great pile of ''sludge''?! But number one on the list would be the matter of ''you'' kicking ''me'' up the ''arse''! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': [''to Father Jack, scaring him''] FECK OFF!! === Night of the Nearly Dead === :'''Father Dougal''': I'm ''hugely'' confused, Ted... <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': It's like a big tide of jam coming towards us, but jam made out of old women. <hr width=50%/> :'''Eoin McLove''': Go away... ''(pause for thought)'' ...you big dirty pile of old biddies! <hr width=50%/> :'''Eoin McLove''': Go away! I don't want to catch the menopause! :'''Father Dougal''':(Looking out the Window)I'm no good at judging the size of crowds,but i'd say theres around seventeen million of them out there :'''Father Dougal''':You're not scared of the dark,are you?It's only cause the sun goes...and...its got something to do with clouds <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Jack''': They lie in wait like wolves. The smell of blood in their nostrils. Waiting. Interminably waiting. And then... :'''Father Dougal''': He's right, Ted. <hr width=50%/> :'''Eoin McLove''': ''(To Ted after being told not to eat jam out of the jar)'' Leave me alone. I can have you killed! <hr width=50%/> :'''Patsy''': Thanks for everything, Father. Oh, and thanks for not mentioning Eoin's "problem." :'''Father Ted''': Oh yes, you mentioned that before. What was it? :'''Eoin''': I have no willy. <hr width=50%/> :'''Eoin McLove''': Well Father, you've got 4 out of 5 questions right on your specialist subject, William Shatner's Tek Wars. So, if you get the general knowledge question right, the £500 will be yours. Oh no! People will think this is rigged. John Paul II. What was his name before he became pope? :'''Father Ted''': (long pause across end credits) Jim? === Going to America === :''(Father Ted and Father Cagney are wearing motorbike helmets to protect themselves from Father Jack's nail cutting)'' :'''Father Cagney''': How much money did this parish bring in last year? :'''Father Ted''': How much money? God I don't know. :''(One of Father Jack's fingernails is clipped and breaks a window)'' :'''Father Ted''': Another bloody window gone!.. I suppose we take in about 150, maybe 200 pounds. :''(Another one of Father Jack's fingernails flies free and strikes Ted in the helmet)'' :'''Father Ted''': Mrs Doyle! Aim into the wall, ''please''. :'''Father Cagney''': 200 pounds huh? What's that? Not even 400 dollars. You know what I'd do with 400 dollars? I'd wipe my ass with 400 dollars. :''(Father Ted is disgusted at this)'' :'''Father Ted''': Good God. And can that still be used as legal tender? <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Cagney''': I know they're gonna love ya in the States, Ted. You put on a show! But remember, it's a competitive market! You'll be up against Billy Graham and those Nation of Islam guys! You gotta get your own inch, you gotta grab 'em! You know where to grab 'em? :'''Father Ted''': Yeah, by the balls! :'''Father Cagney''': I was gonna say by the shoulders... <hr width=50%/> :'''Mrs Doyle''': Well, as long as we all go to America with you... that's the important thing. I think if I heard that I couldn't go for any reason, I'd have to say that that would be the single most crushing blow of my life. A disappointment like that? I don't see how I could live with it. I might have to take the ultimate step... and take my own life! :'''Father Ted''': Mrs Doyle that's a terrible thing to say! :'''Mrs Doyle''': Well it doesn't matter anyway because I am going to America! (laughs hysterically) <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': The way I feel now...I could convert ''gays''! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mrs Doyle''': I got someone to come around and take away all the furniture and burn it in a ''big'' fire! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dougal''': Now you're going to tell us you're Santa or something! :'''Ted''': No, I... I'm the opposite to Santa. :'''Dougal''': What, the anti-Santa?! <hr width=50%/> :''(Ted, Dougal, Jack and Mrs Doyle are standing in the check-in queue at the airport)'' :'''Dougal''': (genuinely excited) You know Ted, all my life I've dreamed about something really special happening to me, and now it is! I think this is the greatest moment of my life! :'''Mrs Doyle''': (her head popping up behind Dougal) Me too! :'''Father Jack''': BIG BRAS! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dougal''': Who are you? What are you doing here? :'''Father Ted''': This is Father Buzz Cagney. He's here on a short visit. He's from America. :'''Dougal''': America, eh? We were just talking about that fella [[Kurt Cobain]]. He was from America. Imagine blowing your head off with a shotgun. How'd he manage to survive that? :'''Ted''': He didn't, Dougal... he died. :'''Dougal''': Oh right. <hr width=50%/> [Final Lines] :'''Ted''': Night, Dougal. :'''Dougal''': Night, Ted. ==External links== {{wikipedia}} *{{imdb title|id=0111958|title=Father Ted}} * [https://web.archive.org/web/20110930225223/http://www.feck.net/splange/ftfaq.html ''Father Ted'' FAQ (archived, original page not available any longer)] [[Category:Channel 4 (UK) shows]] [[Category:UK sitcoms]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] hvcaqwrzg0sd8mlitdu96fpugipgv5v 3158088 3158087 2022-08-26T05:37:07Z 219.160.181.245 /* Tentacles of Doom */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Father Ted|Father Ted]]''''' is a situation comedy produced by Hat Trick Productions for the UK's Channel 4 and written by Arthur Mathews and [[Graham Linehan]]. It aired over three series from 21 April 1995 until 1 May 1998. == Series 1 == === Good Luck, Father Ted === :''(Father Dougal, walks in to the living room. He has shaving cream all over his face)'' :'''Father Ted''': Er.. Dougal? There's some shaving cream just there ''(points to his own face)'' :''(Dougal looks carefully at Ted's face)'' :'''Father Dougal''': No there's not Ted. No. You're grand. :'''Father Ted''': No. On You. :'''Father Dougal''': Where exactly Ted? :'''Father Ted''': Dougal it's all over the place. :''(Dougal walks over to a mirror)'' :'''Father Dougal''': How on earth did all that get there? I didn't even shave this morning! ''(Towels face)'' <hr width=50%/> :''(Dougal walks over to the window to check the weather)'' :'''Father Dougal''': ''(Smiling)'' God it's lovely out! :''(A tropical hurricane is destroying things outside)'' <hr width=50%/> :''(Dougal is excited about Funland, an annual fair on Craggy Island, which opens that afternoon'' :'''Father Dougal''': They have horse riding as well. I remember I did it last year. Well it wasn't really a horse, it was actually this ol' fella. He couldn't go very fast so I had to hit him with the whip a few times. :'''Father Ted''': How old was he? :'''Father Dougal''': I'd say he was about 80. :'''Father Ted''': And how long were you up on him? :'''Father Dougal''': About an hour? :'''Father Ted''': So you were up on an 80-year-old man's back for 60 minutes, whipping him around the place. Do you realise that image will stay with me for the rest of my life? <hr width=50%/> :''(Terry McNamee from [[w:Raidió Teilifís Éireann|Tele Eireann]] has called. They want to interview Ted for a TV program)'' :'''Terry''' ''(On the phone to Ted)'': Where is Craggy Island?. We can't find it on any maps. :''' Ted ''' ''(smiling)'': Oh no, it wouldn't be on any maps. We're not exactly New York! No, the best way to find it is to head out from Galway and go slightly north until you see the English boats with the nuclear symbol. They go very close to the island when dumping the old 'glow-in-the-dark'. <hr width=50%/> :''(Dougal is at the window looking through binoculars. Somehow he is able to see a close-up of an ants nest)'' :'''Father Dougal''': The ants are back Ted! <hr width=50%/> :''(Father Jack Hackett is dreaming of his past. It is a [[w:Photographic print toning|sepia toned]] memory of him working in a catholic girls school)'' :''(In the memory, Jack is accompanied by a nun, and is standing in front of a blackboard with "Natural Procreation" written on it)'' :'''Nun''': Girls ''(claps hands)'' Pay attention, we've got a special treat today. :''(Father Jack is looking quite lecherous)'' :'''Nun''': Father Hackett has very kindly volunteered to take you all for volleyball practice. :''(The schoolgirls roll their eyes. They know what Jack's like)'' :'''Nun''': And he's just reminded me that it's very warm today, so there'll be no need for your tracksuit tops. :''(Father Jack tries not to grin)'' <hr width=50%/> :''(After Dougal pretends to be on ''[[w:Top of the Pops|Top of the Pops]]'' using the screen from the broken TV)'' :'''Father Jack''': How did that ''gobshite'' get on the television?? <hr width=50%/> :'''Mrs Doyle''': Who's for tea? :'''Father Dougal''': Me please, Mrs Doyle! :'''Father Jack''': Tea?! [[w:Feck|Feck]]! :'''Mrs Doyle''': Now... ''(pouring Jack a cup of tea)'' ... and what do you say to a cup? :'''Father Jack''': Feck off, cup! :'''Mrs Doyle''': He loves his cup of tea! :'''Father Jack''': Feck off! :'''Mrs Doyle''': There y’go! :'''Father Jack''': ''Feck OFF!!!'' (throws his cup against the wall, breaking it to pieces) <hr width=50%/> :''(Dougal prays before going to bed. Ted is trying to sleep)'' :'''Father Dougal''': [[w:Lord's Prayer|Our Father, who art in heaven]]... :''(Dougal can't remember the next line)'' :'''Father Ted''': ''(sternly)'' Hallowed. :'''Father Dougal''': Hallowed be thy... ''(pause)'' :'''Father Ted''': Name! :'''Father Dougal''': [[w:Papa Don't Preach|Papa don't preach]]... :'''Father Ted''': Dougal, you know you can praise God in other ways. :'''Father Dougal''': Oh yeah, like that time you told me I could praise him just by leaving the room. :'''Father Ted''': Yes, that was a good one all right. <hr width=50%/> :''(As Dougal and Ted attempt to sleep)'' :'''Father Dougal''': Knock, knock! :'''Father Ted''': Who's there? :'''Father Dougal''': Father Dougal McGuire. :'''Father Ted''': Good night Dougal! <hr width=50%/> :''(Ted is recovering from a fright because he thought he saw a vision of Mary. It was actually Dougal moving a statue of Mary at the window)'' :'''Father Dougal''': Ted, I'm so sorry. It was just a joke. :'''Father Ted''': Try to avoid doing that again Dougal. I thought it was really... ''Herself''. It's the last thing I need! :'''Father Dougal''': You're right there Ted. <hr width=50%/> :''(Dougal is about to take Father Jack for a walk. Dougal asks him if he is coming too)'' :'''Father Dougal''': You're not coming yourself? :'''Father Ted''': ''(Evasively)'' No, I think I'll stay here and... pray for a while. :''(Dougal becomes suspicious)'' :'''Father Dougal''': What are you after Ted? <hr width=50%/> :''(Funland, located at the Island's field, has opened)'' :'''Announcer''': Patrons are reminded that parking facilities are unavailable. That's a reminder of the unavailability of the parking facilities. <hr width=50%/> :''Attractions at Funland include'': ::''Freak Pointing (a person sits in a chair and people point at him)'' ::''The Ladder (a standard wooden ladder that people can climb up under strict supervision)'' ::''Whirly Go Round (a circular platform that people can stand on which slowly rotates)'' ::''The Pond of Terror (an infant-sized wading pool with a plastic crocodile in it)'' ::''Goading the Fierce Man (people are encouraged to approach a large man on a step ladder)'' ::''Car Rides (people are driven around the edge of the field in a car)'' ::''Leading animals around with buckets on their head'' ::''The Spider Baby (a spider in a pram)'' ::''The Spinning Cat (a stuffed cat placed on a record player)'' ::''The Cradle of Death (people on a chair are lifted up by a crane)'' ::''Tarot Card Reading'' ::''Duck Startling (which somehow involves pigs)'' ::''The Tunnel of Goats (which is slightly dangerous to children, nurses and goats)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Tom''': (''With "I Shot JR" on T Shirt)'': Hello Father! :'''Father Ted''': Hello Tom. Tele Eireann, did you show them here? :'''Tom''': I did, yeah. But they filmed a bit of the Island first. They'll be back soon. :'''Father Ted''': Right, I'll just wait in the field. :'''Tom''': Father? :'''Father Ted''': Yes, Tom? :''(pause)'' :'''Tom''': I've killed a man. :'''Father Ted''': ''(nonchalantly)'' Did you, Tom? I'll have to talk to you about that later. I'm going to do an interview for the television! <hr width=50%/> :''(John and Mary, Craggy Island business owners, are unloading produce at their Funland stall. They hate each other)'' :'''John''': You're a fat smelly cow! :'''Mary''': Titface! Y'have a face like a pair of tits! :'''John''': At least that's one pair between us. :''(Mary attempts to stab John but Father Ted turns up, forcing them to pretend to be a happy married couple)'' <hr width=50%/> :''(Ted is annoyed that Father Dougal and Father Jack are at Funland)'' :'''Father Ted''': You're supposed to be taking Father Jack for his walk! :'''Father Dougal''': Well, um, the cliffs were closed for the rest of the day. :'''Father Ted''': How would cliffs be closed Dougal? :'''Father Dougal''': Okay, no, it wasn't that. They were gone! :'''Father Ted''': ''(disbelieving)'' The cliffs were gone? How can they just disappear? :'''Father Dougal''': Erosion. <hr width=50%/> :''(Dougal is annoyed that he has to go back home from Funland and is arguing with Ted)'' :'''Father Dougal''': Everyone else is here! :'''Father Ted''': Dougal. You're a priest. You're supposed to show some decorum. :'''Father Dougal''': ''(barely audible)'' I wish I wasn't a priest. :'''Father Ted''': ''(shocked)'' What? :'''Father Dougal''': I wish I wasn't a priest. :'''Father Ted''': ''(motions towards father Jack in the wheelchair)'' Dougal! What if Jack heard you say that? :'''Father Dougal''': He told me one time he doesn't even believe in God! <hr width=50%/> :''(Dougal wants to see a [[w:Esoteric Tarot|tarot card reader]]. Ted thinks its rubbish)'' :'''Father Dougal''': Come on, Ted. Sure it's no more peculiar than all that stuff we learned in the seminary, you know, Heaven and Hell and everlasting life and all that type of thing. You're not meant to take it seriously, Ted! <hr width=50%/> :''(Ted has drawn three consecutive death cards from the tarot deck)'' :'''Fortune Teller''': This is really weird. There's only supposed to be one in each pack! <hr width=50%/> :''(Dougal is interviewed on television, discussing the Christian faith)'' :'''Father Dougal''': So... God. Does he really exist? I mean, who knows? I don't know. Personally I don't even believe in organised religion! <hr width=50%> :''(After Father Jack wakes up and sees Dougal on the television)'' :'''Father Jack''': ''(picks up bottle of wine)'' That gobshite again! Is he never off the air?! ''(throws bottle at television)'' === Entertaining Father Stone === :''(Father Stone, Ted and Jack are in the living room. Nobody is talking)'' :'''Father Ted''': Are you sure you won't have any tea Paul? :'''Father Stone''': No, I'm fine. :''(long pause)'' :'''Father Ted''': Right. Would you like me to turn on the television? :'''Father Stone''': No thanks. I'm fine. :'''Father Ted''': Right :''(another long pause)'' :'''Father Ted''': Have you seen Father Shortall at all recently? :'''Father Stone''': No. :'''Father Ted''': I was thinking what would he be? Would he be eighty now? :'''Father Stone''': I suppose so. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Father Dougal''': ''(curious about their new guest)'' Who is it Ted? :'''Father Ted''': Now Dougal... don't over-react. :'''Father Dougal''': Fair enough. :''(Ted takes a long drag on a cigarette to calm himself)'' :'''Father Ted''': Right. ''(long pause)''. It's Father Stone. :''(Dougal faints and falls to the floor)'' :'''Father Ted''': Dougal, get up. :'''Father Dougal''': ''(gets up)'' Whoah Ted. No, not him! :'''Father Ted''': It's him all right. :'''Father Dougal''': God almighty! :'''Father Ted''': I know! :'''Father Dougal''': Why didn't you tell him not to come Ted? You said you would! You promised after the last time! :'''Father Ted''': I tried but it's like trying to talk to a wall with a mustache! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Father Ted''': It's like asking the Holy Mother to stop [[w:Ballinspittle|appearing to schoolgirls at Ballinspittle]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Father Ted''': Old women are closer to God than we'll ever be. They get to that age and they don't need the operator anymore. They've got the direct line. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Father Ted''': Father, are you awake? (''Jack wakes up to see Ted covered in a rugby outfit and a crash helmet)'' :'''Father Ted''': Father, we have a visitor. :'''Father Jack''':''(Later, Jack punches Ted out of the window)'' Feck Off! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Father Ted''': That would be quite common you know. The favourite son would become a doctor and then the idiot brother would be sent off to the priesthood. :'''Father Dougal''': Your brother is a doctor isn't he? :'''Father Ted''': Yes he is. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Father Stone is in hospital after being hit by lightning. His parents visit)'' :'''Dermot Stone''': Terrible is the word, Father. I tell you Father, terrible is too small a word, and you just look what you've done to your mother you lazy little bastard, you're useless! Now Father I'm sorry for him causing you all this trouble. God forgive me for saying this, but wouldn't it have been better if he had been killed! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Father Ted''': ''[As Jack is wheeled past on a gurney]'' There he is. What's today's emergency, Doctor? :'''Doctor''': We're not sure. I think it's a combination of [[w:Babycham|Babycham]] and [[w:Harpic|Harpic]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Father Stone is still in hospital)'' :'''Father Ted''': ''(praying at Father Stone's hospital bed)'' Please! I swear! I'll look after him for the rest of my days. Please, just do this one thing! :''(looks over at Father Stone, who has not moved)'' :'''Father Ted''': ''(prays again)'' Ah Come on! Please, please, I swear... :''(Father Stone miraculously rises out of the bed)'' :'''Father Ted''': Paul! You're back! Oh Lord it's a miracle! :''(Ted turns and calls out)'' :'''Father Ted''' Doctor! :''(Ted turns back to Father Stone)'' :'''Father Ted''': Paul, can get I you anything at all? :'''Father Stone''': ''(looks over at Ted)'' No. I'm fine. === The Passion of St Tibulus === :''(Ted, Dougal, and the visiting Father Jose Fernandez are playing Cluedo)'' :'''Father Fernandez''': ''[translated in voiceover]'' I think it was... the Reverend Green, with the knife, in the drawing room. :'''Father Ted''': Ha, those Protestants. Up to no good as usual. <hr width=50%/> :''(Bishop Brennan has arrived to give the priests an important task)'' :'''Bishop Brennan''': Well, I hope you're not doing too much damage here, huh? Jack, are you behaving yourself? :'''Father Jack''': Feck off. :'''Bishop Brennan''': What did you say?! ''[stands up]'' :'''Father Ted''': Your Grace, what brings you to these parts? Thinking of sending us back to our parishes? :'''Bishop Brennan''': Fat chance! You're here until I tell you otherwise! You think I'd let Jack back into a normal parish after the wedding he did in [[w:Athlone|Athlone]], huh?! ''[Jack grins lecherously and drools]'' :'''Father Ted''': Yes, but surely ''I'm'' alright. :'''Bishop Brennan''': No, no, no, you are here until ''all'' of that money is accounted for. :'''Father Ted''': I didn't know what happened to that money-! :'''Bishop Brennan''': Enough! You went to Las Vegas, whilst that poor child was supposed to be in [[w:Sanctuary of Our Lady of Lourdes|Lourdes]]! ''[he moves to Dougal]'' And as for this...''cabbage''! The mere idea of letting him back into the real world, after the Blackrock incident... :'''Father Ted''': Yes, that was unfortunate! :'''Bishop Brennan''': The amount of peoples' lives irreparably damaged! :'''Father Dougal''': They were only nuns. :'''Bishop Brennan''': Nuns are people too! My God, the strings I had to pull to stop the Vatican getting involved! I ''do not'' want to talk about it! I just want to get this film business over and done with! :'''Father Ted''': Film? What film? :'''Bishop Brennan''': This ''blasphemous'' film, "The Passion of St. Tibulus". Now, His Holiness has [[w:Film censorship|banned]] it, but because of some loophole, the bloody thing is showing on this godforsaken dump! :'''Father Dougal''': Oh yes, that's right. Eh, is it any good, do you know? :'''Bishop Brennan''': I don't care if it's any good or not; all I know is that we have to be seen to be making a stand against it. I have been brought back from my holiday in California to sort it out! And that's where [[w:The Three Stooges|you and Larry and Moe]] come in. :'''Father Ted''': What do you mean? :'''Bishop Brennan''': Well, I know that normally you wouldn't be able to organise a nun shoot in a nunnery, but despite that, it's up to you to make the Church's position clear. Make some kind of a protest at the cinema; even ''you'' should be able to manage that! :'''Father Dougal''': Oh, thanks very much. :'''Bishop Brennan''': Listen, this is very serious. ''Don't'' make a balls of it, right? I'll be in touch. :'''Father Ted''': Your Grace, this isn't really my area. :'''Bishop Brennan''': Nothing is your area, Crilly. You do not have an area. Unless it is some kind of '''play''' area, with sandcastles, and buckets, and spades! Now do what you're told, right?!? ''[storms out]'' :'''Father Dougal''': Bye, now. <hr width=50%/> :''(Hardly anyone has turned up to watch the film. Michael, the cinema owner, is giving an introduction)'' :'''Michael''': Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to say how we have a real treat in store for all ye fans of French cinema. :'''Old Woman''': Is it subtitled? :'''Michael''': Pardon? :'''Old Woman''': Is it subtitled or is it dubbed? :'''Michael''': It’s subtitled. :'''Old Woman''': Ah Jaysus! (leaves) <hr width=50%/> :''(Ted and Dougal are protesting outside the cinema with signs)'' :'''Father Ted''': Down with this sort of thing! :'''Father Dougal''': Careful now! <hr width=50%/> :''(Ted and Dougal discuss the film's bizarre plot)'' :'''Father Dougal''': Do you remember that bit when St. Tibulus, he tried to take that banana off the other lad? :'''Father Ted''': That wasn't a banana, Dougal. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bishop Brennan''':(''Looking inside the [[w:Clergy house|parochial house]] and spots Father Jack, asleep in his armchair) ''Jack, what the hell are you up to? Why aren't you at the film? :'''Father Jack''': Feck off! :'''Bishop Brennan''': ''What?!''What did you say?(''Jack looks at him smiling innocently)'' <hr width=50%/> :''(Bishop Brennan is angry that the protests have made the film more popular)'' :'''Bishop Brennan''': I mean, people are coming from all over the country to see the film! They're even coming from ''[[w:Gdańsk|Gdańsk]]'' to see the film! Huh? And, look at this, look at that, look! ''(Unrolls a piece of rolled paper he is holding, revealing a poster for "The Passion of St. Tibulus" with photos of Ted, Dougal and Jack apparently endorsing the film in big white stars. On top of the poster is a banner that reads ‘THE FILM THEY TRIED TO BAN’)'' :'''Bishop Brennan''': There’s you, there’s [[Forrest Gump|Forrest Gump]], and there’s Father Jack, actually, ''watching'' the film! Now there’s the turn up for the books, what? ''(laughs while Ted rolls his eyes in a worried look, meaning that Bishop Brennan is up to something. He throws the poster away behind him)'' <hr width=50%/> :''(Bishop Brennan decides he must punish them)'' :'''Bishop Brennan''': Right, now I think it would be best thing would be for ye three to continue your careers as priests-cum-film promoters outside of my jurisdiction! Huh?! Now Ted, I thought that you might like to go to America, hm? What part, do you think? :'''Father Ted''': Well, um...Las Vegas? :'''Bishop Brennan''': Oh, I'm sorry I’m sorry, did I meant ''South'' America. Oh look, see, there's a lovely little island, off the coast of [[w:Suriname|Surinam]] and, ''[starts laughing hysterically]'' they have a couple of tribes there- you're going to love this!- and they have been knocking the ''shit'' out of each other since 1907! And we have never been able to find the right man to bring them together in the spirit of Christian harmony, but I think that ''you'', are ''the'' man! :'''Father Ted''': ''[discomforted]'' Well, thanks very much-! :'''Bishop Brennan''': No need to thank me- by the way, do you know how to make arrows? :'''Father Ted''': No. :'''Bishop Brennan''': Well not to worry, not to worry. It'll come to you. ''(laughs softly before facing Dougal)'' Now, Dougal, over to you. Isn’t it funny, how, some of these places in the [[Philippines|Philippines]] can keep on going without a proper sewerage system, hm? :'''Father Dougal''': I’m right there, your Honour. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bishop Brennan''': Now, Jack, where are we gonna send ''you, huh? Jack, wake up!'' :'''Father Ted''': Bishop, I wouldn't do that! :'''Bishop Brennan''': You shut up. Jack! Wake up! :'''Father Jack''': ''[Suddenly, Jack opened his right eye, revealing his cataracted eye before violently punches Bishop Brennan in the face]'' FECK OFF! :'''Bishop Brennan''': (Now shocked and angry, along with a severe nosebleed in his nostrils) I got you all, Jack! I got you! Oh, my God! If you think this place is bad, wait ‘til you see your new parish! JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE!!! (He storms off) === Competition Time === :'''Father Ted''': ''[annoyed]'' I'll just have to go as [[Mother Teresa]] again! ''[sits down]'' :'''Father Jack''': Who are you supposed to be? :'''Father Ted''': [[Elvis]]. I'm Elvis. :'''Father Jack''': I'm Elvis. :'''Father Ted''': I know you're Elvis, Father, we're all Elvis. That's the problem! <hr width="50%"/> :''(From the quiz show which Henry Sellers hosts. The contestants appear to be clueless older women)'' :'''Henry Sellers''': What is the capital of the UK? Is it ::(a), New York ::(b), London ''(Sellers nods unsubtly)'', or ::(c), Munich? :''(Silence)'' :'''Henry Sellers''': I'll give you a clue: you live there. :''(Contestant #1 rings her buzzer)'' :'''Contestant #1''': Oh sorry, I leant on the buzzer by accident. :'''Henry Sellers''': Okay, moving on. A stitch in time saves how many? :''(Contestant #1 rings)'' :'''Contestant #1''': Oops, sorry! :''(Contestant #2 rings)'' :'''Contestant #2''': London? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Henry Sellers and Father Jack are roaming the island like animals. Ted and the police are looking for them)'' :'''Sergeant Deegan''': God, this reminds me of Vietnam. :'''Father Ted''': Were you in Vietnam, sergeant? :'''Sergeant Deegan''': Ah, no no, I mean, you know, the films. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Henry Sellers has gotten drunk and has completely lost control in the living room)'' :'''Henry Sellers''': Oh what a shower of bastards! :''(Fathers Ted, Dougal and Dunne are hiding behind an upturned couch)'' :'''Father Dunne''': Oh Lord Ted!, why did you give him a drink? :'''Father Ted''': I didn't know this would happen! :'''Father Dunne''': That's why they sacked him from that programme, he's a terrible alcoholic and he's been on the wagon now for a year, Oh my god Ted! :'''Father Ted''': How was I supposed to know? :'''Henry Sellers''': Sack me! '''SACK ME'''! I '''made''' the BBC! (sobs) I ''made'' it! :'''Father Ted''': Henry, maybe if you have a rest you'll feel better? :'''Henry Sellers''': Get away from me, priest! :'''Father Ted''': Perhaps it's time to go to bed! :'''Father Ted''': (After Henry kicks television) Good man there's nothing on anyway! :'''Henry Sellers''': Do you want a fight?! Bloody priests, sanctimonious scumbags! :'''Father Ted''': Absolutely! :'''Henry Sellers''': Made my life a bloody misery! :'''Father Ted''': Sorry about that are you sure you don't want to go to bed, we could stay up a bit longer perhaps! :'''Henry Sellers''': Oh I'm fed up of you bastards! I'm getting outta here don't you try and stop me (''smashes through window'') :'''Father Dougal''': It's true what they say isn't it, you should never meet your heroes, you'll only be disappointed! <hr width="50%"/> :''(In the dressing room after the show, Dick Byrne is there to pay Ted the lost bet)'' :'''Father Dick Byrne''': ''(Dressed in [[w:Blackface|blackface]] and [[w:Drag (clothing)|drag]] as Diana Ross)'' Five pounds Ted. ''(hands Ted money)'' :'''Father Ted''': ''(Smiles)'' Hard luck Dick. :'''Father Cyril McDuff''': ''(Dressed in blackface and drag as one of The Supremes)'' Did we not win Dick? :'''Father Ted''': ''(Mocking)'' "No we didn't win Cyril!". This year the trophy goes to Craggy Island! :''(Dougal makes faces at Cyril)'' :'''Father Ted''': Never mind. I give you every chance of winning next year. :'''Father Dick Byrne''': Do you really Ted? :'''Father Ted''': NOOOOO! :'''Father Dick Byrne''': Come on Cyril, let's go home. :'''Father Jim Johnson''': ''(enters the room drunk and muttering)'' Where's the fecking whiskey? :'''Father Dick Byrne''': Plenty of whiskey at home father! :''(Dick and Cyril lead Father Jim out the door and exit)'' :'''Father Dougal''': That Cyril McDuff's an awful [[w:Idiot|eejit]] isn't he Ted? <hr width="50%"/> :''(The show now complete, Henry Sellers relaxes)'' :'''Henry Sellers''': Oh well, since I didn't humiliate myself too much last time, I might as well have a glass of champagne. Cheers! :'''Father Ted''': Henry, no! :''[Henry drinks the glass of champagne in one gulp]'' :'''Henry Sellers''': Mmm! Don't worry, Father. Sure, if I can't celebrate tonight, then when can I, the bastards! What the hell is going on here, how dare they do this to me?! How dare they sack me! I'm Henry Sellers! I'm Henry Sellers! :''[Henry throws himself out of the window, and the sound of his voice trails off]'' :'''Father Ted''': Well, there he goes again. :'''Father Dougal''': You're right there, Ted. :'''Father Ted''': Never mind, we can look for him in the morning. === And God Created Woman === :''(Father Dougal is preparing to take Father Jack out on a walk in his wheelchair)'' :'''Mrs Doyle''': Here you are, Father. It's a beautiful day out. :'''Father Jack''': Me arse! :'''Mrs Doyle (to Father Dougal)''': Would you like him on, manual or automatic, Father? :'''Father Dougal''': Automatic, I think. It's a nice day, we might as well take it easy. :'''Father Ted''': That's right, Dougal. You take your time. :''(Mrs Doyle attaches a metal pole to the back of Father Jack's chair. It's got a bottle of booze attached to its front)'' :'''Mrs Doyle''': Fair enough. :''(Father Jack starts making noises of excitement, as he wheels himself out of the living-room, following the booze)'' <hr width=50%/> :''(Nuns are giggling at Ted's joke)'' :'''Father Ted''': Anyway the thing is I might not be able to say this evening's [[w:Mass in the Catholic Church|Mass]]. :''(Nuns suddenly go silent)'' :'''Sister Assumpta''': ''(aggressively)'' What Father? :'''Father Ted''': I have something quite important to do. :'''Sister Assumpta''': Not more important than saying Mass Father? :'''Father Ted''': It's just. Someone I know is dying. :'''Sister Assumpta''': Oh dear. Is it serious? <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Jack''': ''(as Mrs Doyle wheels him on his chair with Dougal holding the door)'' Nuns! <b>NUNS!</b> Reverse! Reverse! Reverse! Reverse! <hr width=50%/> :''(Mrs Doyle is complaining about the language used in modern novels)'' :'''Mrs. Doyle''': It's a bit much for me, Father. "Feck this" and "Feck that." :'''Father Ted''': Yes, Mrs Doyle. :'''Mrs. Doyle''': "You big bastard." Oh, dreadful Language. "You big hairy arse." "You big Fecker." Fierce Stuff! And of course the F-word father, the bad F-word. Worse than feck. You know the one I mean. :'''Father Ted''': Yes, I do, Mrs Doyle. :'''Mrs. Doyle''': "F you" "F your effing wife." Oh, I don't know why they have to use language like that. "I'll stick this effing pitch up your hole," that was another one! :'''Father Ted''': I see what you mean, Mrs Doyle. :'''Mrs. Doyle''': "Bastard this" and "Bastard that". You can't move for the bastards in her novels! It's wall-to-wall bastards. :'''Father Ted''': Is it Mrs Doyle? Anyway -- :'''Mrs. Doyle''': "You Bastard", "You Fecker", "You bollocks", "Get your bollocks out of my face!" :'''Father Ted''': Yes, you just go and prepare for the nuns. :'''Mrs. Doyle''': "Ride me sideways" was another one! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': (as Tom comes out of the Post Office with money, to the sound of a robbery alarm and a gunshot) Ya haven't been up to your auld tricks again, have ya? :'''Tom''': No, Father. 'Tis my money. I just didn't want to fill out the forms. === Grant unto Him Eternal Rest === :''(Sister Monica, a young nun, is sitting on the couch next to Dougal. The two smile nervously)'' :''(The shyness is excruciating. Neither of them talk)'' :''(Then Dougal finally mans up and speaks to her)'' :'''Father Dougal''': So then, you're a nun? <hr width=50%/> :''(Ted and Dougal have suggested to Sister Monica that they visit some of the sights on Craggy island)'' :'''Sister Monica''': That's wonderful. I'll just go and freshen up. :''(Sister Monica leaves the room)'' :'''Father Dougal''' ''(to Ted)'': She'll be putting on makeup I suppose... to impress the lads. Huh? :'''Father Ted''': Ah no she's probably just going to the toilet. :'''Father Dougal''' : Ah, nuns are great though Ted. It's good because you don't feel as nervous with them as you do with real women do you? :'''Father Ted''': Ah you're right there. :'''Father Dougal''' : Even though I only got the courage to talk to her a few minutes ago, it's nice to have a nun around. It gives the place a bit of glamour! :'''Father Ted''': "A woman's touch" ''(nods head)'' :''(Father Dougal suddenly gets serious and looks at Ted suspiciously)'' :''(later..)'' :'''Father Dougal''' ''(to Sister Monica)'': Ted says you were touching him! <hr width=50%/> :''(Ted, Dougal and Monica have found Father Jack in his room, cold and unresponsive)'' :'''Sister Monica''': Oh Holy Mother of God! He's dead! :'''Father Dougal''': What's the problem there, sister? <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''' (to Father Jack): Ah come on Father, you're not dead, are you? <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': ''(giving the last rites)'' Well we are gathered here today to join two people... oh wait, that's not it... <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': So anyway, you're there now with Our Lord and [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]] and [[Bob Marley]] and my own parents..., <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': Right, well it looks bad alright. I called Dr. Sinnot, I gave him the symptoms over the phone and he said he's probably dead alright. The pulse not being there is bad enough, but the heart stopping is the real danger sign. :'''Father Dougal''': That happened to my uncle once. His heart stopped, and he was fine afterwards. :'''Father Ted''': His heart stopped? How long for? :'''Father Dougal''': A week. :'''Father Ted''': A week? And he was fine afterwards? :'''Father Dougal''': Er, no. Actually, now I think about it, he died. <hr width=50%/> :''(Father Jack's wake has begun. Various priests and nuns are in the living room)'' :'''Sister Monica''': I think it's absolutely great to see. I mean, the level of commitment amongst ''[[w:Catholic Church in Africa|the African church]]'' in bringing the faith to the people is just wonderful! It's marvellous, isn't it? :'''Black priest''': Sure I wouldn't know, I'm from [[w:Donegal|Donegal]]. <hr width=50%/> :''(One of the older priests at the wake is devastated by Jack's death)'' :'''Father Jim Sutton''': Why him, Ted? Why is it always the good ones? You bastard! ''[shakes fist to Heaven]'' :'''Father Ted''': Now, Father! :'''Father Jim Sutton''': He could have been pope, Ted! But the feckin' Jesuits, they have it all tied up! :'''Father Ted''': Yes... :'''Father Jim Sutton''': Imagine, Ted! A Polish pope! It should have been Jack! But it's not what you know, is it? It's who you know! :'''Father Ted''': Ah, it's sad, but sure look at him there; he looks quite serene. :'''Father Jim Sutton''': '''OH, GOD! NO, NO, NO, NO!! HE'S DEAD, TED! WE'LL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN!''' ''[continues sobbing]'' :'''Father Ted''': We'll see him in the next world. :'''Father Jim Sutton''': ''(sarcastically)'' ''Oh yeah, sure!'' <hr width=50%/> :''(Laura Sweeney, a female lawyer, has informed Fathers Ted and Dougal that Jack's will names them joint inheritors)'' :'''Father Dougal''': ''(catching Jack's will after Ted faints)'': Half a million pounds each? :''(Dougal scans document)'' :'''Father Dougal''': Ah no. Between us. It's only a quarter of a million pounds each Ted. Ted? Ted? (looks around confused) <hr width=50%/> :'''Laura Sweeney''': When is the funeral again? :'''Father Dougal''': Again? We haven't had the first one yet! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': ''(to Laura Sweeney)'': If you're a solicitor I'm [[Boy George]]! :''(Next scene)'' :'''Father Dougal''': Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon... <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': It's true what they say about these career women. They're very aggressive. :'''Father Dougal''': Yeah, she was very aggressive, wasn't she, Ted? :'''Father Ted''': Oh, and the language out of her. You wouldn't hear it from a docker! Fecking this, fecking that... :'''Father Dougal''': Ah, you would. They use very bad language. :'''Father Ted''': Effin' this and effin' that... :'''Father Dougal''': Oh, it was much worse than that, Ted, she was saying fu... :'''Father Ted''': Now, Dougal! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''' ''(on confessions)'': A load of strangers telling you their sins. Sure who'd be bothered with that? <hr width=50%/> :''(Fathers Ted and Dougal are spending the night in the mausoleum where Jack's coffin lies. They are lying next to one another in sleeping bags)'' :'''Father Dougal McGuire''': I just want to ask you a question. :'''Father Ted Crilly''': Oh, not again, Dougal. Look, when a man and a lady are very much in love... :'''Father Dougal McGuire''': No, no! No, I didn't want to ask that, Ted, I just wanted to ask you, do you believe in an afterlife? :'''Father Ted Crilly''': Do I what? :'''Father Dougal''': Do you believe in the afterlife? :'''Father Ted''': Well generally priests have a very strong belief in the afterlife. :'''Father Dougal''': Ooh I wish I had your faith Ted! :'''Father Ted''': Dougal, how did you get into the church? Was it like, "Collect twelve crisp packets and become a priest"? <hr width=50%/> :''(It is early. Dougal is asleep. Ted is staring out of the window of the mausoleum)'' :'''Father Ted''': ''[quoting '''[[w:The Dead (short story)|The Dead]]''']'' ::"It's beginning to snow again. The flakes, silver and dark, are falling obliquely against the lamplight. It's probably falling all over the island; on the central plain, on the treeless hills, falling softly upon the graveyards, upon the crosses and headstones, upon all the living and the dead..." :'''Father Jack''': ''(obviously not dead)'' Shut the feck up! :(Ted turns, sees Jack and faints, waking Dougal.) :'''Father Dougal''': (Looks down at Ted lying on the floor) Ted! What's wrong? :(Turns to Jack) :'''Father Dougal''': Father Jack, did you see what happened? :(Looks back at Ted) :'''Father Dougal McGuire''': Ted? :(Turns back to Jack) :'''Father Dougal McGuire''': What happened, Father Jack? Wha... :(Finally realises what's happening and faints as well!) :'''Father Dougal McGuire''': Ooooo! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Jack''': Drink! ''(after a few seconds of silence and staring directly at the camera, he breaks the fourth wall)'' Feck off! == Series 2 == === Hell === :'''Father Dougal''': (After Ted asks him why July 19 was so important) July 19. Uh, I wouldn't know Ted, you big bollocks! :'''Father Ted''': ''[astounded]'' I'm sorry!? :'''Father Dougal''': I said I wouldn't know Ted, you big bollocks! :'''Father Ted''': Have you been reading those [[w:Roddy Doyle|Roddy Doyle]] books again, Dougal!? :'''Father Dougal''': I have, yeah Ted, you big gobshite! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''' (on [[July 19]]): Would that be the day the Ice Age ended? <hr width=50%/> :'''Mrs Doyle''': It doesn't matter what day it is, Father. There is always time for a nice cup of tea! Sure didn't our Lord Himself on the cross pause for a nice cup of tea before giving Himself up for the world? <hr width=50%/> :'''Mrs Doyle''' (on saying "no"): It's a lovely word Our Lord gave us here on earth for when we don't want any cake! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''' (on the Magic Road): That's nearly as mad as that thing you told me about the loaves and fishes! :'''Father Ted''': No Dougal, that wasn't mad. That's when our Lord got a few bits of food together and made lots of food, and everyone had dinner. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': Father Jack, do you have any preferences? :'''Father Jack''': Holiday! :'''Father Ted''': Yes, we're on holiday. Would you like to go anywhere? :'''Father Jack''': What? :'''Father Ted''': Would you like to go somewhere? :'''Father Jack''': Who are you? :'''Father Ted''': I was just asking, would you like to go somewhere now that we're here? Would you like to go for a lovely walk? :'''Father Jack''': I like cake! :'''Father Ted''': Yes, I... ''[sotto, to Dougal]'' I think I'll just stop talking to Father Jack now. :'''Father Jack''': Where am I? What's that thing there? Are those ''my'' feet? :'''Father Ted''': God, let's just get him to sleep and we'll head off ourselves. ''[to Jack]'' Okay Father, into your box! :'''Father Jack''': Drink, arse, girls, dr— ''[he instantly falls asleep as Ted places a cardboard box over his head]'' <hr width =50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': Will I put on the kettle? :'''Father Ted''': Go on then. (Dougal puts the kettle on) :'''Father Dougal''': ...must be one of those ones that clicks off automatically. :'''Father Ted''': Mmm...bit of steam there. Incidentally, did you bring any teabags? :'''Father Dougal''': ...no. :'''Father Dougal''': Kettle's boiled there Ted. :'''Father Ted''': Mmm. :'''Father Dougal''': Will I put more water in and turn it on again? :'''Father Ted''': No... I liked it best the first time. :'''Father Dougal''': Maybe we could turn it on with no water at all, see what happens. :'''Father Ted''': I don't think you should do that. It would just blow up. You'd be picking lumps of metal out of your face for a year. You'd have puffy fish lips bigger than your face. :'''Father Dougal''': Like Father Bigley. :'''Father Ted''': Exactly like Father Bigley. :'''Father Dougal''': Maybe that's what happened to him! <hr width=50%/> :''(Father Ted is demonstrating some plastic toy cows to Dougal)'' :'''Father Ted''': ...OK, one last time. These are ''small''... [[w:Depth perception|but the ones out there are ''far away'']]. ''Small''... ''far away''... ah forget it! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': Do you want to walk over to that fence? :'''Father Ted''': Oh no, best not; I don't want to blow up with excitement <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Noel Furlong''' (on Tony Lynch): He wasn't like that last night when he crawled into bed at ten past the eleven! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Noel Furlong''' (on Ted and Dougal's strong bladders): Ye're like a bunch of camels! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Noel Furlong''' (on Ted): Who's a bit of a ''moaning'' Michael tonight! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''' (as Ted struggles with the car door): You're alright there, Ted. He's a fair bit away ... it ''might'' be worth speeding up a bit there. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': God Ted, he's probably very cold now that his towel has blown away! === Think Fast, Father Ted === :''(The parochial house roof is leaking, and they need to raise some money...)'' :'''Father Ted''': God Almighty, that's going to cost a fortune to fix. Where are we going to get the money? Think, Dougal, how can we raise some money? :'''Father Dougal''': Hmmm.... :'''Ted''': Yes, I know. Aha! (give knowing glance) :'''Dougal''': Aha! :'''Ted''': Are you thinking what I'm thinking? :'''Dougal''': I think so, Ted. But now wait, I'm not sure.... :'''Ted''': What? :'''Dougal''': I mean, it is a big step, and err, where are we going to get the guns? :'''Ted''': (mystified) What are you talking about? :'''Dougal''': Oh, wait a minute now - actually I might have been thinking about something different... :'''Ted''': You thought we were going to rob a bank, didn't you? :'''Dougal''': I did, yeah! :'''Ted''': Well, Dougal, this isn't a Bruce Willis film. I was thinking more along the lines of a raffle. <hr width=50%/> :''(The roof is leaking and water is dripping onto Father Jack's head down his arm and into his glass. Ted and Dougal begin to move Jack's chair away from the leak)'' :'''Father Jack''': (Waking up) I'm a happy camper! <hr width=50%/> (''Water leaks heavily from the roof and lands on Jack's head'') :'''Father Ted''': (''Using a long stick with Dougal's help to wake Jack up from distance'') Father, father, wake up! It's just us. :'''Jack''': (''Waking up'') Get to feck! :'''Father Ted''': Come on, Father. We're going to have to move you again! :'''Father Jack'''(''Throws down stick'') Drrrriiink!(''Reaches for his glass and begins to drink'') :'''Father Ted''':(Panicked) Don't drink that, Father, '''no'''! It's... :'''Father Jack''': (''spits out mouthful of water'') FECKIN' WATER! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''':'' (That night, after destroying the car…)'': AH, JESUS, WE'RE DEAD! OH, GOD ALMIGHTY!!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Jack''': ''[being attacked by a murder of crows]'' Feckin' feathered eejits! Gobshites, the lot of ya! <hr width=50%/> :''(Ted has just convinced Father Finnegan, the 'Dancing Priest', to loan him his car to show off as a 'raffle prize' in place of the wrecked car from Bishop Brennan. Ted holds the keys in front of Dougal)'' :'''Father Ted''': Bingo! :'''Father Dougal''': No luck then, Ted? <hr width=50%/> (After Ted explains to Dougal about the plan about rigging the raffle tonight) :'''Father Dougal''': D’know what this is like, Ted? It’s like [[The Sting]]. I’m [[Robert Redford ]] and you’re [[Paul Newman]] (he leaves the room towards the right side of the open door, then he goes round before walking into the door) <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': Dougal, Purcell's the most boring priest in the world. He was working in Nigeria a few years ago, and he woke up one morning to find everyone in the village had had enough of him and gone off in a big boat. It sank after about a mile and they were eaten by crocodiles. :'''Father Purcell''': We run the gas off the electricity and the electricity off the gas and we save two hundred pounds a year, but then a few weeks later ah god, I'll never forget it now, we got a new boiler..." :'''Father Ted''': Are you alright there, Fathers? :'''Father Jack''': HELP ME!!! :'''Father Purcell''': Ah hello Ted, I was just telling Father Jack about the thing there last year, how did you fare with yours? :'''Father Ted''': Er I don't know what you're.... :'''Father Purcell''': Because you know they have no morals and no respect for human life. But what they do have and no-one can deny this now, they have the finest collection of boilers in the world! And I include Canada in that! ''[Ted has to prevent Jack punching an oblivious Purcell]'' :'''Father Ted''': ''[to Father Purcell]'' Actually I'd just like to borrow Father Jack for a moment... :'''Father Jack''': Thank CHRIST! ''[Jack quickly leaves and locks Ted in his place]'' :'''Father Purcell''': Ah God, I remember the first time I saw that boiler now, beautiful! :'''Father Ted ''': Would you like a ticket, Father? :'''Father Purcell''': Did you get those specially? You can buy them down the shop. Any number you like - ah, one, seven, 20, 112. :'''Father Ted''': 112? :'''Father Purcell''': All the way up to 409, I think it is. If you want more, they send off for them. They come back in an envelope. Normal kind of thing. Rectangular, four corners, you know. That's the way I like them anyway, the old envelopes. No round envelopes for me! No way, Jose. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': (After Ted asks him why he wasn’t coming up to the stage with his raffle ticket) Sorry Ted, I was looking at the ticket upside down. :''(Dougal had ticket number 11)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Purcell''': Oh they have you everywhere you know. I was in the AA there, you know, for a while, but the insurance was very expensive. :'''Father Dougal''': Oh, right. :'''Father Purcell''': I had to crash the car just to get the money back, you know, and they had witnesses who said they'd seen me steer it towards the wall, you know. There was talk of me going to jail there for a while... :''[Dougal gets up and walks off, Purcell turns round to the throw blanket containing a portrait of Jesus Christ]'' :'''Father Purcell''': Ah, its Yourself! <hr width=50%/> :''[Jack ambles in drunk, carrying a six-pack of lager and a car air freshener around his ear]'' :'''Father Ted''': Father? :'''Father Jack''': Feck off! :'''Father Ted''': Father Jack, where did you get the air freshener? :'''Father Jack''': Car! :'''Father Ted''': Oh, God...! :'''Father Jack''': Drived the car! :'''Father Ted''': Not the new car! Tell me the truth, Father, have you been drinking? :'''Father Jack''': (looks at the half-empty bottle of whisky he's holding and thinks for a moment) Yes! :'''Father Ted''': Tell me from the beginning. Where did you drive? :'''Father Jack''': Shops! Drink! Corner! Stopped! Got out! Truck! :'''Father Ted''': A truck?! :'''Father Jack''': (smashing two empty cans of lager together) ''Two'' trucks! :'''Father Ted''': Let's take a look. See if there's anything we can salvage. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Purcell''': This is a piece of advice my father gave to me. Now this refers not only to lagging, but all forms of insulation. He said "don't ever"...no, wait, it was "always"...no er, "never, never" - oh wait now, I've forgotten. Never mind. What's your favourite humming noise? Would it be mmm-mmmmm or would it be mmmm-mm? The first one there, now that's the sound of a fridge humming and the second one, now that's the sound of a man humming. You never hear a woman humming. I knew a woman once, but she died soon afterwards. Now if you push me to it, I'd have to say my favourite colour is grey. No, blue. A soft blue with a hint of grey. No, orange. Yes, orange. I remember now. I had an extension put on the house, and I put it on the extension, so the house is in a circle now, you see... === Tentacles of Doom === :''(Ted receives bad news)'' :'''Father Ted''': Bloody hell! :'''Father Dougal''': Good news Ted? :'''Father Ted''' ''(sitting down)'': No Dougal, very bad news. It's the Holy Stone of Clonrichert. The Vatican have decided to upgrade it to a Class II relic. :'''Father Dougal''': Great! :'''Father Ted''': No it's not great! That means they'll be sending over some bishops to do a ceremony. And you know what that's like - we'll have to be on our best behaviour. :'''Father Dougal''': I thought there was something up with the Holy Stone. Wasn't someone cured there? :'''Father Ted''': No, someone was ''lured'' there. It was Paddy Short, then those fellas started to beat him with the sticks. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': The bishops will come around, and see that we're a normal, everyday parish, and go away. Nothing to worry about at all! :''(Father Jack, who has used the fire to light a cigarette, gets up from the fireplace, his head on fire. Oblivious, he sits back down to continue reading a magazine entitled "Girls")'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': But who cares anyway? They come in, they strip down the wallpaper, they fumigate the place and then they're gone! :'''Father Ted''': Dougal! They're ''bishops''! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': That's the great thing about Catholicism. It's so vague and no one really knows what it's about. <hr width=50%/> :''(Father Ted is standing in front of a sitting Father Jack, with a board between them)'' :'''Father Ted''': Right, father, now we're going to have a little [[w:Elocution|elocution]] lesson. :'''Father Jack''': Drink! ''(throws can of beer)'' :'''Father Ted''': Now, father, you can't be saying that all the time when the bishops come here. :'''Father Jack''': Feck! :'''Father Ted''': No, you can't say that either. :'''Father Jack''': Girls! :'''Father Ted''': Look father, just let's go back to "drink" for the moment. :'''Father Jack''': Drink! :'''Father Ted''': Right, now I want you to have a look at this. :''(Ted turns a page on the board, with the words "That would be an [[w:Ecumenism|ecumenical matter]]" and “Yes” written on it)'' :'''Father Ted''': Have a go at the first one here... "That". ''(points to word)'' :'''Father Jack''': ''(concentrating)'' Drink! :'''Father Ted''': No, no, no, no. "That". :'''Father Jack''': ''(trying hard)'' Drink! :'''Father Ted''': Now come on, father, concentrate. "That". :'''Father Jack''': Drink! :'''Father Ted''': "That" :'''Father Jack''': Drink! :'''Father Ted''': "That" :'''Father Jack''': Drink! :'''Father Ted''': "That" :''(this continues a few more times)'' :'''Father Ted''': Now come on now father! I know you can do it! There'll be a little drink in it for you if you do it. :'''Father Jack''': Drink? :'''Father Ted''': Yes I promise. Now come on, try again. "That". :'''Father Jack''': ''(trying very very hard)''. Th.. th... th... h.... Drink! :'''Father Ted''': Come on now father you almost had it! "That". :'''Father Jack''': Th.. th... th... h.... That! :'''Father Ted''': Great! :'''Father Jack''': That! :'''Father Ted''': Brilliant, Father! Let's keep it going here, and the next one, "That would" :'''Father Jack''': That... W.... W... W... :'''Father Ted''': "Would!", "Would!" :'''Father Jack''': W... W... Drink! :''(Jack collapses back into chair in despair, while Ted smashes the board away in frustration)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': Mrs Doyle, have you got your contacts in? :'''Mrs Doyle''': No, a dog ran off with them. <hr width=50%/> :''(Father Dougal is looking out of the window with binoculars. He is checking for the bishops)'' :'''Father Dougal''': No sign of them yet Ted... :'''Father Ted''': Ahem, Dougal, :''(In the living room, Ted and the three bishops are looking at Dougal in confusion)'' :'''Father Ted''': They're here, Dougal. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bishop Fachs''': Do you think a close relationship with the lay community is desirable, or should a certain distance be maintained? :'''Father Ted''': Yes...good question! I think we should...involve the lay community...but keep them at a distance. :'''Bishop Fachs''': How much of a distance? :'''Father Ted''': A couple of miles? <hr width=50%/> :'''Bishop Fachs''': So many people are cynical about such things. You can hardly open a newspaper these days without reading some trendy anti-clerical article written by some bearded lefty! :'''Father Jack''': Yes! :'''Bishop Fachs''': A spell in the Army would do them a world of good! :'''Father Jack''': That would be an ecumenical matter! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': Bishops love sci-fi! :'''Father Ted''': ''[apoplectic]'' Dougal, we are not watching [[w:Aliens (film)|Aliens]]! :''[The three bishops look at Ted, stunned. Ted regains his compsoure.]'' :'''Father Ted''': Anyway, back to religion. :''(later..)'' :'''Bishop Jordan''': So I was watching [[w:Apollo 13 (film)|Apollo 13]] the other day... <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Jack''': ''(to Bishop O'Neill)'' That would be an ecumenical matter! :'''Bishop O'Neill''': Yes. I suppose it would! That's a good point Father. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': Dougal, do you know if we have any incense? :'''Father Dougal''': ''(after a wide-eyed long pause)'' There was a spider in the bath last night. <hr width=50%/> :''(The three priests and three bishops are gathered around the Holy Stone of Clonrichert, giving the blessing liturgy)'' :'''Bishop O'Neill''': Heavenly Father, hear our prayer. We pray that this rock be upgraded to a class 2 relic. And by the grace of God, bring healing to all who pass within a radius of 2½ to 3 feet of it, at your discretion. And may all who are healed in such a way give glory to you, our Lord, through your earthly form of this class 2 relic. Amen. :'''Everyone else''': Amen. :'''Father Dougal''': Eamonn. <hr width=50%/> :''(Bishop O'Neill and Father Dougal are strolling down the road together)'' :'''Bishop O'Neill''': So Father, do you ever have any doubts about the religious life? :''(Dougal looks around)'' :'''Bishop O'Neill''': Is your faith ever tested? :''(Dougal keeps looking around. Wide eyed. Looking confused)'' :'''Bishop O'Neill''': Anything you've been worried about? Any doubts you've been having about aspects of belief? Anything like that? :'''Father Dougal''': Well you know the way God made us all, and he's looking down at us from heaven? :'''Bishop O'Neill''': Yeah... :'''Father Dougal''': And then his son came down and saved everyone and all that? :'''Bishop O'Neill''': Uh huh... :'''Father Dougal''': And when we die, we're all going to go to heaven? :'''Bishop O'Neill''': Yes. What about it? :'''Father Dougal''': Well that's [[w:The gospel|the bit]] I have trouble with! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': ''(to Bishop O'Neill)'' So, [[w:Transcendence (religion)|if God has existed forever]]...you know, what did he do in his spare time, like, before he made the Earth and everything? <hr width=50%/> :'''Bishop O'Neill''': Everlasting Life? [[w:Hell in popular culture|Big Demons sticking hot pokers up your arse for all Eternity]]? I don't buy it <hr width=50%/> :''(Fathers Ted and Dougal are waiting outside for the bishops as they leave)'' <br/> :''(Bishop O'Neill exits first. He is dressed in hippy clothes)'' :'''Bishop O'Neill''': Dougal. :''(Bishop O'Neill shakes Dougal's hand)'' :'''Father Dougal''': Oh. You're welcome Bishop. :'''Bishop O'Neill''': ''(correcting him)''. No, no. "Eddie". :'''Father Ted''': Are you sure you won't reconsider your decision? :'''Bishop O'Neill (Eddie)''': No. Anyway it's too late. I'm off to India for two months with a few friends. Ah, there they are. ''(gives peace sign to Ted and Dougal)'' :''(Hippies in a [[w:Volkswagen Type 2|VW Kombi]] drive up)'' :'''Father Ted''': See you again then. :''(Bishop O'Neill (Eddie), climbs into van with hippy friends, and is immediately given a marijuana joint, which he begins to smoke)'' <br/> :''(Bishop Facks is the next to exit, walking very gingerly and accompanied by a paramedic)'' :'''Father Ted''': Ah, your grace. ''(quietly)'' The Holy Stone... will it still be a class 2 when they, er... ''(motions head towards [[w:Rectal foreign body|Facks's buttocks]])'' :''(Bishop Facks does not reply and walks off into a waiting ambulance)'' <br/> :''(Bishop Jordan is the final one to exit, in a coffin carried by two men in suits)'' :'''Father Ted''': God Bless. ''(Dougal gives a wave to the coffin as it passes by)'' <br/> :''(Fathers Ted and Dougal walk inside into the living room)'' :'''Father Ted''': That went pretty well I thought. === Old Grey Whistle Theft === :''(Ted is attempting to place some bottles of wine in a bag without waking Jack. The bottles clink together. Jack wakes up)'' :'''Father Jack''': Drink! :'''Father Ted''': It- It's not drink, Father, it's just fizzy water. :'''Father Jack''': Jacob's Creek Chardonnay 1991! :'''Father Ted''': [''removes bottles and reads label''] You can tell just from the sound?! :'''Father Jack''': Drink! Drink! Drink! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': God Ted, I've heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's going to come back and judge us all. :'''Father Ted''': No...no Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism you're talking about there. :'''Father Dougal''': Whole of this Catholic thing is a bit of a puzzler, isn't it Ted? <hr width=50%/> :''(Father Dougal and Father Damien Lennon have finished playing football and are standing in front of Damien's parochial house)'' :'''Father Damien''': ''(smoking)'' Here, you want one? ''(offers cigarette to Dougal)'' :'''Father Dougal''': Ah no thanks Father Lennon. :''(Father Damien puts cigarettes back into his pocket)'' :'''Father Dougal''': What time's your tea ready? :'''Father Damien''': Frosty usually has it about six. :'''Father Dougal''': Who? :'''Father Damien''': ''(annoyed)''. Frosty! Father Frost! :'''Father Dougal''': ''(incredibly impressed by Damien's attitude)'' Oh wow! "Frosty"! Brilliant! :''(Father Damien flicks cigarette from his hand out of the frame)'' :'''Father Damien''': What do you call your fella? :'''Father Dougal''': Who, Ted? Just Ted. :''(Father Damien looks very unimpressed)'' :'''Father Dougal''': But it's the ''way'' I say it, you know? :'''Father Damien''': He's an awful eejit isn't he? :'''Father Dougal''': ''(pauses)'' Yeah. :''(In the background, Father Frost walks out of the parochial house)'' :'''Father Damien''': Which one do you prefer, [[w:Oasis (band)|Oasis]] or [[w:Blur (band)|Blur?]] :'''Father Dougal''': Blur. :'''Father Damien''': ''(shocked)'' What??? :'''Father Dougal''': Oasis! I mean Oasis! :'''Father Frost''': ''(in the background)'' Father Damien, your tea is ready! :'''Father Damien''': ''(yelling)'' I'LL BE IN INNA MINUTE! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frank''': [[w:Minced oath|Fup off, you grasshole!]] <hr width=50%/> :'''Frank''': Fup off, ya pedrophile! <hr width=50%/> :''(A resident of Craggy Island speaks to Father Ted about the front page news of the stolen whistle)'' :'''Elderly Lady''': Hello Father, did you hear about the whistle being stolen? :'''Father Ted''': Yes, I was-- :'''Elderly Lady''': I never thought that I'd see the like. What next? Somebody will be murdered, and then where are we? Drive by shootings in the night, it'll be like Boys in the Hood. And then they'll have hoes selling their wares in the middle of the street and the pimps will be using crack cocaine to keep the whores under control--' [Gun shot fires in background] '--I'm going home now Father to lock meself in the basement til they catch that fella. Good-bye to ye father. :'''Father Ted''': ...Good-bye. <hr width=50%/> :''(Ted and Dougal are sitting down at breakfast. Ted had discovered the stolen whistle the night before in Dougal's jacket)'' :'''Father Ted''': Dougal, is there anything on your mind? :''(Dougal looks around, a dumb expression on his face)'' :'''Father Ted''': Let me re-phrase that. Is there anything you want to tell me about? Something bothering you in some way? :'''Father Dougal''': Like what Ted? :'''Father Ted''': Have you done anything you might be embarrassed about? Have you done anything bad recently? Anything wrong? :'''Father Dougal''': Wrong? :'''Father Ted''': Yes Dougal. "Wrong". You remember right and wrong? The difference between the two? Page one of "How to be a Catholic". :''(Dougal looks clueless and confused)'' :'''Father Ted''': Honestly Dougal, this is very basic stuff. :''(Dougal continues to look confused)'' :'''Father Ted''': What is "wrong"? Give me an example of something that's "wrong". :'''Father Dougal''': ''(trying very hard to rise to this intellectual challenge)'' Just give me a second Ted. ''(stands up)'' :'''Father Ted''': Arson. There's one. ''(pause)'' Murder. ''(pause)'' Swearing. :'''Father Dougal''': Swearing. Yeah. :'''Father Ted''': Anything else? :''(Dougal is racking his brains)'' :'''Father Dougal''': Err... Emm... Err... L.. Lying? :'''Father Ted''': ''(animated)'' Well done Dougal! Yes! :'''Father Dougal''': Thanks Ted. :''(Dougal begins to collapse. The strain of thinking was too much)'' :'''Father Ted''': Dougal are you all right? :'''Father Dougal''': I'm fine Ted I just need to sit down. :''(Dougal sits back down)'' :'''Father Ted''': Sorry about that Dougal. I probably pushed you a bit hard there. :'''Father Dougal''': No worries Ted. :''(Dougal places his head on the table in exhaustion)'' :'''Father Ted''': Dougal, something else that's wrong is... stealing. :''(Dougal looks up at Ted. He's beginning to recover)'' :'''Father Ted''': What I'm trying to say is that it's wrong to steal. Stealing is just something you don't do. :'''Father Dougal''': Right. Except you. :'''Father Ted''': ''(shocked)'' What? :'''Father Dougal''': Well you're allowed to steal. :'''Father Ted''': ''(indignant)'' What are you talking about? :'''Father Dougal''': The money. From that Lourdes thing. :''(Ted is lost for words and is very uncomfortable and beginning to get angry)'' :'''Father Ted''': ''(defensively)'' Different thing altogether Dougal. First of all, that money was just resting in my account before I moved it on! :'''Father Dougal''': It was resting for a long time Ted. :'''Father Ted''': Yes, but... :'''Father Dougal''': A good long rest. :'''Father Ted''': ''(frustrated)'' Look Dougal, we're not talking about me! We're talking about YOU! :'''Father Dougal''': Is there anything you want to tell me about? :''(Ted reaches into his top pocket and produces the stolen whistle)'' :'''Father Ted''': This, for example? === Song for Europe === :'''Dougal''': Ted, could you pass me my record collection? :'''Ted''': Okay, here it is. (Passes him a single record) Oh, and Dougal, you need more than one record for a collection. What you have is a record. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dougal''': I've got [[w:Eurovision Song Contest|Eurosong]] fever, Ted. :'''Ted''': Yeah? :'''Dougal''': Oh god, yeah. I love the Eurosong competition. I just can't wait. What time is it now? :'''Father Ted''': Half past one. :'''Dougal''': Half one?! And the competition is on in... :'''Father Ted''': May. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ted and Dougal are trying to write a song for the Eurosong contest)'' :'''Dougal''': ''(excitedly)'' I think... I think I have a lyric! :'''Father Ted''': Right. Lyrics! ''(gets pen and paper)'' Go ahead there Dougal. :'''Dougal''': What's it called again? :'''Father Ted''': "My Lovely Horse" :'''Dougal''': Right. How about this? ::''My Lovely Horse,'' ::''I want to hold you so tight'' ::''I want to rub my fingers through your tail'' ::''and love you all night'' :'''Father Ted''': Dougal, Dougal, stop there! We want to keep out of the whole area of actually being in love with the horse. :'''Dougal''': Oh right. :'''Father Ted''': It's more that we're friends with the horse that we want to jump around with it and have a good laugh with it. :'''Dougal''': Right, but what about something like ::''Take this lump of sugar baby'' ::''You know you want it'' :'''Dougal''': That'd be something like those rap fellas would write. :'''Father Ted''': You can forget about them Dougal. You can forget about "[[w:Ice-T|Icy-T]]" and "[[w:Snoop Dogg|Scoopy Scoopy Dog Dog]]". They're no help to us now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Father Dougal''': ''[Intensely]'' Let's do it! :'''Father Ted''': ''[Soothing]'' Dougal, don't take it so seriously. At the end of the day, it's all just a bit of fun. :''[Later; Ted is smoking a cigarette and the room is filled with smoke]'' :'''Father Ted''': ''[Tense]'' Just play the ''[beep!]''ing note! :'''Father Dougal''': The first one? :'''Father Ted''': ''[Exploding]'' No not the ''[beep!]''ing first one! The ''[beep!]''ing first one's already ''[beep!]''ing down! Just play the ''[beep!]''ing note you were ''[beep!]''ing playing earlier! I've been playing the ''[beep!]''ing first one! We have the ''[beep!]''ing first one! <hr width=50%/> :''(Ted and Dougal are in the dressing rooms for the Irish round of the Eurovision song contest)'' :'''Charles Hedges''': Hello, Father Crilly. I'm Charles Hedges, your producer for this evening, and this is... :'''Father Ted'''': Oh, you don't need to tell me! Mr. Rickwood, I'm delighted to meet you. I thought you did a brilliant job presenting last year's show. :'''Fred Rickwood''': ''[Slurred]'' Wellthatsthebusinesslikeyouknowwhatimeanyouknowinandoutthedoorsandgiddyup! :'''Father Ted''': Sorry? :'''Fred Rickwood''': ''[Slurred]'' Likethebusinessyouknowgetitoutthedoorsandgiddyup. :'''Father Ted''': Ah, yes... :'''Fred Rickwood''': ''[Slurred]'' Wellanywayshamehithimshaveabollock. ''[exits]'' :'''Father Ted''': Mmm. Mmm. I have to say, he sounded a lot better on last year's show. :'''Charles Hedges''': Well, once he's on the stage, he's fine. :'''Father Ted''': Alright, do you know him a long time? :'''Charles Hedges''': Yes, yes, yes, we've been partners for ten years. :'''Father Ted''': Oh, right, you run the production company together? :'''Charles Hedges''': No, no, he's my lover. <hr width=50%/> :''(Ted is trying to present himself to Charles Hedges as a very progressive catholic)'' :'''Father Ted''': ''(animated)'' Anyway, don't mind what the church thinks. It used to think the earth was flat! ''(laughs)''. It's like you know, sometimes, the Pope says things he doesn't really mean. We all get things wrong, even the Pope. :'''Charles Hedges''': But what about [[w:Papal infallibility|Papal infallibility]]? :'''Father Ted''': Yes. :''(Ted pauses and thinks)'' :'''Father Ted''': ''(uncertain)'' Is it for everything? The infallibility, do you know? :'''Charles Hedges''': ''(shrugs shoulders)'' Well I don't know. :'''Father Ted''': ''(laughs again)'' Right, anyhow. Nothing to do with me! <hr width=50%/> :''My lovely horse'' :''Running through the fields'' :''Where are you going'' :''With your fetlocks blowing'' :''In the wind?'' : :''I want to shower you with sugar lumps'' :''And ride you over fences'' :''Polish your hooves every single day'' :''And take you to the horse dentist'' : :''My lovely horse'' :''You're a pony no more'' :''Running around'' :''With a man on your back'' :''Like a train in the night'' === The Plague === :''(The opening credits of "Father Ben" begin playing'') :'''Father Dougal''': ''(excited)'' Ted! Ted! Quick! It's "Father Ben"! :''(Ted comes rushing in to watch)'' :'''Father Ted''': God, I love this! :''(The show within the show begins. Father Ben is sitting on a lounge that looks exactly like the one in Father Ted)'' :''(In the show, Father Brendan appears, with something on his head)'' :'''Father Brendan (on TV)''': God, Ben! I'm such an eejit! I put the shorts... on me head! :''(Fathers Ted and Dougal laugh)'' :'''Father Ben (on TV)''': God almighty Brendan, you really are a big fool! :'''Father Ted''': ''(laughing at show)'' This is really top notch stuff. :'''Father Dougal''': ''(nodding)'' That Brendan's an eejit! :'''Father Ted''': I know someone just like Ben... Big thicko! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': Wait, I got one! You see the way he's got big floppy ears flopping all over the place? :'''Father Ted''': Yeah? :'''Father Dougal''': Why don't we call him Father Jack Hackett? :'''Father Ted''': ''[sarcastically]'' Perfect! Father Jack it is! :'''Father Jack''': What? :'''Father Ted''': Ah, nothing, Father. Dougal names his new pet rabbit after you. :'''Father Jack''': What? :'''Father Dougal''': Are you all right, Father Jack? :'''Father Jack''': What? :'''Father Ted''': He’s not talking to you, Father, he’s talking to the rabbit. :'''Father Jack''': ''What?!'' :'''Father Dougal''': I think Father Jack wants a drink. :'''Father Jack''': ''[gleeful]'' Drink! Drink! :'''Father Ted''': Maybe we could give him water. :'''Father Jack''': Water!? Feck! :'''Father Ted''': Dougal, this is getting far too confusing! :'''Father Dougal''': Ah Ted I've got used to calling him Father Jack! Can we not call Father Jack something else? :'''Father Ted''': ''[exasperated]'' Great! What'll we call him?! Flipper! Flipper the Priest! :'''Father Jack''': Yes! :'''Father Ted''': No, Dougal. This is not going to work. ''(Suddenly, the parochial house telephone begins to ring)'' <hr width=50%/> :''(Ted walks towards the ringing telephone. He picks it up. The scene changes to Bishop Brennan, who is calling from an ornate golden bathroom. He is in a bubble bath on a cordless phone and holding a glass of white wine. The famous painting of [[w:Portrait of Innocent X|Pope Innocent X]] is on the wall)'' :'''Father Ted''': (on phone) Hello? Father Ted Crilly speaking? :'''Bishop Brennan''': Crilly, it's me, Bishop Brennan. :'''Father Ted''': Oh feck! ''[realises his mistake]'' :'''Bishop Brennan''': WHAT!? :'''Father Ted''': ''[putting on a bad French accent]'' 'Oo is dis? Zere is no Crilly 'ere! ''[hangs up]'' God, Dougal, I’m just after saying feck to Bishop Brennan! :'''Father Dougal''': Oh, he won't like that, Ted! :'''Father Ted''': Maybe it's alright, though. I put on a foreign voice so as he'll think he dialed the wrong number. ''[The phone rings again; Ted answers it]'' :'''Bishop Brennan''': Crilly. :'''Father Ted''': Ah, hello Bishop Brennan. I think you got the wrong number when you call there- :'''Bishop Brennan''': Shut up, Crilly! Shut up! I'll make this quick. What would the following words suggest to you: "Jack", "sleep-walking", and "bollock-naked"? :'''Father Ted''': ''[mortified]'' Oh no! :'''Bishop Brennan''': Now this is the third time in the last six months! You may have heard of Brian Noonan, hmm? A very important Junior Minister- and a personal friend of mine- and I can tell you the last thing he and his family needs to see is the vision of an elderly priest wearing only a pair of socks and a hat! Now I'll be around on Thursday to examine the security arrangements, and Crilly... :'''Father Ted''': Yes? :'''Bishop Brennan''': ''[referring to the previous call]'' If you ever try to ''bullshit'' me like that again, I will rip off your arms. :''(Bishop Brennan hangs up and smiles as a beautiful young woman joins him in the bath)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': God, it's like a big rabbit rock festival! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Jack''': ''(points at rabbits)'' Rats! :'''Father Ted''': Yes father, we can see them as well. :'''Father Jack''': HAIRY JAPANESE BASTARDS! <hr width=50%/> :''(Ted and Dougal and wondering what to do to solve their rabbit problem)'' :'''Father Ted''': What are we going to do? :'''Father Dougal''': Well wait now now. There is actually something we can do Ted. If we errr now let me see now. Just wait a second there. Er Ah. I know. I know. I've got it Ted. :'''Father Ted''': What? :'''Father Dougal''': Right now, now. The way I see it is, if we errr, now wait a second. Errm. What's the problem again? :'''Father Ted''': THE RABBITS! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': That's a very nice sword. Where exactly are you going to put the rabbits? :'''Tom''': In the vice, father. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tom''': ''(about the rabbits)'' I could run them down in me van! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tom''': Have you nothing I could kill at all all, Father? :'''Father Ted''': Uh no Tom, no. :'''Tom''': Well, feck it anyway! :'''Father Ted''': Run Dougal, run quite fast! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bishop Brennan''': Yet again, I am dragged away from my warm fireside to come and deal with the cast of ''[[Police Academy]]''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': ''(trying to stall Bishop Brennan after he had thrown himself into the stairs)'' I'm all right, Bishop. I'm fine now, thanks. Phew! (laughs uneasily) :'''Father Dougal''': ''(shouting up the stairs)'' Ted, did Len find the rabbits? :'''Bishop Brennan''': What did he say?! :'''Father Ted''': Look, I'd better tell you... :'''Bishop Brennan''': Did he call me Len again? ''(shouting down the stairs)'' You address me by my proper title, you little bollocks! :'''Father Dougal''': Sorry, Bishop '''Len''' Brennan! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': Because Dougal, my nerves are shot. I won't be able to relax until the only rabbit here is the one sitting in your head working the controls. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': ''(finding more rabbits in a room next to Father Jack's)'' Ted, there's loads more in here. Look at this one. Doesn't he look like that fella [[w:Harvey Keitel|Harvey Keitel]]? :'''Father Ted''': Harvey Keitel? How could a rabbit look like... God Almighty! It's the spitting image of him! <hr width=50%/> === Rock-a-Hula Ted === :''(Famous Irish musician [[w:Niamh|Niamh]] Connolly is being interviewed on TV)'' :'''Niamh Connolly''': The church in Ireland secretly had lots of potatoes during the famine, and they hid the potatoes in pillows and sold them abroad in potato fairs. And the Pope closed down a lot of the factories that were makin' the potatoes and turned them into prisons for children. :'''Father Ted''': God almighty, she says that as if there's something sinister about it all! I mean, what is the problem with her?! :'''Father Dougal:''' She seems to be taking the whole Catholic thing a bit seriously, Ted! :'''Father Ted:''' ''[sternly]'' Yes, Dougal. :'''Father Dougal:''' I mean, it's just a bit of a laugh! :'''Father Ted:''' Stop talking, Dougal. <hr width=50%/> :''(Father Dougal is reading a Music magazine. Niamh Connolly is on the front cover wearing boxing gloves)'' :'''Father Ted:''' ''(seeing magazine cover)'' There she is again. She's all over the place. :''(Ted looks closer at the magazine cover. A closeup of the boxing gloves reveals the words "Clit Power")'' :'''Father Ted:''' "Clit Power". What does that mean? :'''Father Dougal:''' Don't know. :'''Father Ted:''' I knew a Father ''Clint'' Power. Maybe she's having a go at him? <hr width=50%/> :''(Niamh Connolly is being interviewed on TV again)'' :'''Niamh Connolly''': Craggy Island. Yeah. Craggy Island's the place for me. :''(Ted and Dougal are watching the TV in shock)'' :'''Niamh Connolly''': I see it as being a safe haven for those who wish to escape the hypocrisy of the mainland. :'''Father Ted''': God! :'''Niamh Connolly''': I wish to create a world free from sexual and religious intolerance :'''Father Ted''': No that's terrible news! :''(Ted switches TV off)'' :'''Father Ted''': Right! Basically we have to stand our ground. If she's on the island I'm bound to bump into her. I'll just tell her the people of Craggy island will NOT stand for a world free of sexual and religious intolerance! :'''Father Dougal:''' ''(animated in his agreement)'' No Way! Jose! <hr width=50%/> :''(Father Ted is judging "[[w:Rose of Tralee (festival)|The Lovely Girls]]" competition)'' :'''Father Ted''': ''(speaking into microphone)'' And now... walking! :''(The girls begin walking around [[w:Traffic cone|traffic cones]] as if they are at an animal show)'' :'''Father Ted''': Look at them there. Walking around. Look out there Mary! Doesn't Mary have a lovely bottom? :'''Father Liam''': ''(Walks up to Ted and speaks quietly)'' Careful there Ted. That might offend the girls. :'''Father Ted''': ''(agrees, then speaks into microphone)'' Of course. They ''all'' have lovely bottoms! <hr width=50%/> :''(The Lovely Girls competition is now down to the final two girls, whose lovely laugh must determine the winner)'' :'''Father Ted''': ''(in microphone)'' It's between Imelda and Mary in the lovely laugh tie break! :''(Imelda and Mary stand facing each other. Ted stands between them. )'' :'''Father Ted''': In order to hear your lovely laugh, I'll have to tell you a joke. So here we go... this is my Robin Williams impression. :''(Father Ted begins joke)'' ::''Secretary: The invisible man is in reception'' ::''Boss: Tell him I can't see him!'' :''(Imelda and Mary lean forward to laugh into Ted's microphone)'' <hr width=50%/> ''(Niamh and Dougal are in the parochial house living room)'' :'''Father Dougal''': You all right there? How's your bra? :'''Niamh Connolly''': WHAT?! :'''Father Dougal''': Your bra! Is it comfortable? Do you have a bra? :''(Niamh shakes her head in disapproval)'' :'''Father Dougal''': It's not too tight, is it? 'Cause you can loosen it if you want. Take it off, sure, go on. :''(Niamh looks uncomfortable)'' :'''Father Dougal''': Or would you like some tea? I'll tell you what, I'll make the tea and you take your bra off. ''[gets up]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': Oh. That's the other thing Ted. I sold Niamh the house. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': Alright. This is a long shot, but it's our only hope. :''(Ted pulls out paper and pencil'' :'''Father Ted''': I'm going to leave this paper and pencil here and hopefully in the morning God will have written down what we should do. <hr width=50%/> :''(Ted is trying to convince Niamh to give them back the parochial house)'' :'''Father Ted''': We're a very progressive parish! :'''Niamh Connolly''': I hope it's not a hideaway for pedophile priests. That whole thing ''disgusted'' me! :'''Father Ted''': Well Niamh, we're not all like that. Say if there's two hundred million priests in the world and five percent are pedophiles, that's still only ten million. :''(Niamh is confused at Ted's statement)'' :'''Father Ted''': No. What we wanted to create here was a world free of intolerance and hypocrisy. :'''Niamh Connolly''': Really Father? :'''Father Ted''': Yes. If there's one thing I hate it is hypocrisy. :''(A happy Father Liam suddenly comes to the window with a newspaper. He pointed Ted the front page in big bold headlines reading ''''''"Priest praises lovely bottoms"'''''')'' <hr width=50%/> === Cigarettes and Alcohol and Rollerblading === :'''Mrs Doyle''': Who wants their afternoon drink? :'''Father Jack''': Drink?! Oh yes! :'''Father Ted''': '''No!''' :'''Father Jack''': No? :'''Father Ted''': No Father, it's [[w:Lent|Lent]] remember, you said you'd give it up for a couple of days. :'''Father Jack''': What? :'''Father Ted''': Do you not remember you said you'd offer it up for Our Lord? :'''Father Jack''': ''(mishears "Our Lord")'' Arnold? Who's Arnold? :'''Father Ted''': No, Our Lord. I suppose, I made your vow for you. But I know that deep down inside you'd like to make a little sacrifice. :'''Father Jack''': Sacrifice? Arse! <hr width=50%/> :''(Their Lenten vows have been hard to keep, so Ted is on the phone to get help)'' :'''Father Ted''': ''(speaking to Dougal)'' One day! You think we could go one day without giving in to temptation. ''(Ted speaks into phone)'' Hello? Hello? ''(speaks to Dougal again)'' God almighty, when I think of the sacrifices that [[w:Matt Talbot|Matty Hyslop]] made... :'''Father Dougal''': Who? :'''Father Ted''': Matty Hyslop. He was a notorious drunkard who found God and then decided to punish himself for his sins. Oh he used to do all kinds of things. Like he had this terrible allergic reaction to cats, so instead of avoiding them, he used to carry a kitten in his pocket. He'd sniff it from time to time. His head just inflated like a balloon. :'''Father Dougal''': Fair play to him. :'''Father Ted''': I mean Dougal could you not knock the rollerblading on the head for a couple of weeks? :'''Father Dougal''': ''(upset at himself)'' I know, I know Ted. I used to be happy enough with the old bike, you know. I used to get a great buzz just going down to the shops. But after a while it just wasn't enough! I just kept going for bigger and bigger thrills! But I could handle it Ted, I could quit any time I want. :'''Father Ted''': Well you tried to quit yesterday and you couldn't! :'''Father Dougal''': ''(breaks down)'' You're right Ted. I admit it! I have a problem! :''(Dougal falls to the floor at Ted's feet)'' <hr width=50%/> ''(Phone Conversation)'' :'''Nun''': On special offer this month we have the Lenten package. £150 - plus V.A.T. - plus booking fee, that's £200. :'''Father Ted''': £200?! I'm not trying to buy cocaine! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mrs Doyle''': (While Ted is trying to eat a sausage) They were a bit obsessed with the old...S-E-X. God I'm glad I never think of that type of thing Father. That whole sexual world. God, when you think of it it's a dirty, filthy thing, isn't it Father? Can you imagine Father? Can you imagine Father, looking up at your husband, and him standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself? God almighty can you imagine that Father? Can you picture it there Father? Oh get a good mental picture of it. Can you see him there? Ready to do the business? <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': It looks like the last of the alcohol's left his system. I think he might actually be sober. Is that it, Father? Are you seeing things as they really are at last? :'''Father Jack''': (clutching his head) OH MY GOD! :'''Father Ted''': Yes, that's it alright.... I suppose sobriety for Father Jack must be like taking some sort of mad hallucinogenic. :'''Father Jack''': Where are the other two? :'''Father Ted''': "The other two?" Ah, I see, the old vision's back to normal. No, it's just us, Father. :'''Father Jack''': And what do you two do then? :'''Father Ted''': Well, we're priests. :'''Father Jack''': What? ''Priests?'' (panics) Don't tell me I'm still on that feckin' island! :'''Father Ted''': How are you feeling, Father? It must be great to be sober every once in a while. Or... every twelve years. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Jack''': (After sobering up) (pointing at various items in the room) Chair! Curtains! Floor! (points at Father Ted) Gobshite! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Jack''': (After sobering up) Hey! Hey, you there! What the hell is this? (holds up a spoon) <hr width=50%/> :''(The Matty Hyslop group have sent a nun around to help them keep their Lenten vows)'' :'''Father Ted''': Hello there. (''Ted realises who it is'') Ah! Sister Assumpta! :'''Sister Assumpta''': ''(shakes Ted's hand)'' Hello Father! :'''Father Ted''': Dougal! Do you remember Sister Assumpta? :''(pause)'' :'''Father Dougal''': Ah no. :'''Father Ted''': She was here last year. And then we stayed with her in the convent back in [[w:Kildare|Kildare]]. Do you remember it? :''(Dougal shakes his head. No)'' :'''Father Ted''': Ah you do! And then you were hit by the car when you went down to the shops for the paper. :''(Dougal shakes his head)'' :'''Father Ted''': You must remember all that! And then you won a hundred pounds with your lottery card? Ah you must remember it Dougal! :''(Assumpta and Ted look eagerly at Dougal, who continues to be confused and not remember)'' :'''Sister Assumpta''': And when you were accidentally arrested for shoplifting? I remember we had to go down to the police station to get you! :''(pause)'' :'''Sister Assumpta''': And the police station went on fire? And you had to be rescued by helicopter? :''(Dougal shakes his head)'' :'''Father Ted''': Do you remember? You can't remember any of that? :''(Dougal shakes his head)'' :'''Father Ted''': The helicopter! When you fell out of the helicopter! Over the zoo! Do you remember the tigers? You don't remember? :''(Dougal shakes his head)'' :'''Father Ted''': You were wearing your blue jumper. :'''Father Dougal''': ''(suddenly remembers)'' Ahhhh! Sister Assumpta! ''(shakes her hand)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Jack''' [''points at Sister Assumpta'']: Nan! :'''Father Ted''': No, it's ''nun''. :'''Father Jack''' [''Terrified'']: Nun?! ''[screams and hurls himself straight through the window]'' :'''Father Ted''': ''[Waves]'' Bye, Father! Don’t worry about him, he's just gone out for his walk. <hr width=50%/> :''(It is the first morning of their Lenten vows. Ted and Dougal are served breakfast by Sister Assumpta)'' :'''Father Ted''': Sister Assumpta, you know we really are only up for the basic booze, fags and rollerblading deal. I mean, the getting up early thing is great but... :''(Ted realises what is in his bowl for breakfast)'' :'''Father Ted''': ...This is water. :'''Sister Assumpta''': That's right. :'''Father Ted''': ....Alright, alright, having a bit of a laugh with the big thickos from the island. Where's our real breakfast? :'''Father Dougal''': Ted, I'd love a pop-tart. :'''Father Ted''': Yes, Father Dougal likes his pop tarts first thing in the morning. :'''Sister Assumpta''': (Dismissively) I really don't think ''pop tarts'' have any place in our Lord's plan for the world. :'''Father Ted''': I think they have as much a place as anything else. Maybe our Lord doesn't take a personal interest in them but I'm sure He delegates them to someone almost as important. :'''Father Dougal''': What about....Frosties? :'''Father Ted''': Again, same thing: He might not have come up with the idea but He'd be the one who'd give them the green light. :'''Father Dougal''': Oh right. But if you take something like, say, Sugar Puffs, now or Lucky Charms- :'''Sister Assumpta''': FATHERS, COULD YOU PLEASE- Could you please stop having that conversation, finish your breakfast and come outside for your daily punishment. <hr width=50%/> :''(having had enough of Sister Assumpta's methods, Ted and Dougal plan to escape)'' :'''Father Ted''': I'll leave her a note saying we've gone to a funeral or something. :'''Father Dougal''': Or... an autopsy! Why don't we say we had to go to an autopsy instead! That'd be more exciting! <hr width=50%/> === New Jack City === <hr width=50%/> :'''Horse racing commentator''': And it's [[w:Fifteenth Amendment of the Constitution of Ireland|Divorce Referendum]] in the lead, followed by Glory Be To God. Glory Be To God creeps ahead of Divorce Referendum... :'''Father Ted''': Come on, Divorce Referendum! Come on, Divorce Referendum! :'''Horse racing commentator''': Divorce Referendum is way in front; Divorce Referendum is speeding towards victory... :'''Father Ted''': Yes! Yes! :'''Horse racing commentator''': Oh, no! Disaster for Divorce Referendum as he turns in the opposite direction and simply runs off the course! :'''Father Ted''': Oh, flip! You flipping, flipping flipper! Oh, it's the knacker's yard for you, pal! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Fintan Stack''': I want to listen to some music. :'''Father Ted''': Oh, go right ahead. :'''Father Stack''': I wasn't asking for permission. :''(Father Stack plays Limb by Limb by Cutty Ranks on his Boombox)'' ::''Limb by Limb, we are gon cut dem down'' ::''Send fi the hacksaw, take out the tongue.'' ::''See me me me me me, see di hit man ah come.'' ::''See me me me me me, said me just can dun.'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': He's not a very nice man, is he? :'''Dougal''': God Ted I've never met anyone like him anyway. Who would he be like? Hitler or one of those mad fellas. :'''Father Ted''': Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at three o'clock in the morning! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Fintan Stack''': What are we watching? :'''Father Ken Dillon''': We're looking at the sports day. :'''Father Fintan Stack''': Lots of young fellas running around in shorts? That's the kind of thing you like looking at. ''(Turns to Father Shanahan)'' And I'll bet you like that too. You're probably imagining what they'd look like without shorts. You're sitting there, imagining that, with a big smile on your face. ''Ya dirty fecker''. :'''Father Ted''': Father Stack, if you're trying to embarrass us, you're not succeeding. :'''Father Stack''': Yes I am. :'''Father Rory Shanahan''': Well I have to say, I think that you're a very rude man. :'''Father Stack''': If you ever say that to me again, I'll put your head through the wall. :''(Door swings open, sound of beer cans being kicked. Dougal comes in; he's very obviously drunk)'' :'''Father Ted''': Dougal, where did you go to? :'''Dougal''': Ted, how are ya! :'''Father Ted''': ''(Dougal hugs Ted, Ted resists)'' Dougal, what the... :'''Dougal''': Guess what, Ted? :'''Father Ted''': What? :'''Dougal''':''(confused)'' What? :'''Father Ted''': Dougal! Have you been drinking? :'''Dougal''': I have, Ted! I've been drinking like a mad eejit! No, no, oh wait! ''(gives a drawn-out wink to Father Stack)'' No I haven't! :'''Father Ted''': Dougal, I'm ashamed of you. :'''Dougal''': ''(shakes Ted)'' Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted, Ted. Come here Teddy, Teddy, Ted, Ted, you're my best friend. God I love being a priest. We're all going to heaven lads, waheyy. :'''Father Stack''': Perhaps I should explain, your little friend and I were enjoying ourselves with a bottle of whiskey I found upstairs. :'''Father Ted''': Oh, well, that is the last straw. :'''Dougal''': I'm driving! I'm driving home, I'm perfectly capable... ''(passes out. Fintan picks up the car keys)'' :'''Father Stack''': Oh, by the way. I got the keys to your car, and I drove it into a big wall. If you don't like it, tough! ''(uses key to clean out his ear)'' I had my fun, and that's all that matters. :'''Dougal''': I can see up your trousers, Ted! :'''Father Ted''': Right, well that's it. I thought giving alcohol to Dougal was the last straw, but I was obviously wrong as this is definitely the last bit of straw left in the thing. Basically what I'm saying is... there's ''no more straw left''! :'''Father Shanahan''': Ted, it's getting a little late. :'''Father Dillon''': Yes, I really think we should go. :'''Father Ted''': No, you don't have to go. :'''Father Shanahan''': I think we should. :'''Father Stack''': ''(leers at the two priests as they exit)'' Woooh! Bye girls! Pair of wankers. :'''Father Ted''': Oh right, that's it. Come on Dougall, I think we've had quite enough of Father Stack's company for one evening. :'''Dougal''': To the pub, Ted. === Flight into Terror === :'''Father Noel Furlong''': Oh God! He must have seen his reflection! He's not supposed to see his reflection! He doesn't know he's a priest! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Gallagher:''' Shouldn't we not just have a bit of an old pray, and maybe God will help us, and... :''[He trails off, noticing that all the other priests are cringing in mortification, and promptly sits back down]'' :'''Father Ted:''' Aaaaanyway... <hr width=50%/> :''[the priests are holding a competition to find out who should get the two parachutes on the plane]'' :'''Father Ted''': Father Cave, do you want to go first? :'''Father Cave''': I haven't written this down, because this comes from the heart. Father Gallagher, I've known you and been your friend for many years. And I think it's important to say, I love you. I love you more than anyone I've ever loved! I don't want the parachute, give it to him! ''[sits down and bursts into tears, while the other priests look taken aback]'' :'''Father Ted''': R-right, well done, Father Cave. Father Fay? :''[Fay stands up, clears his throat, then yells monkey-style gibberish while waving his arms around. The other priests look awed and clap admiringly]'' :'''Father Ted''': Well, beat that! Joe? :'''Father Joe Briefly''': I think I should get the parachute because I'm great. In fact, I think I should get both the parachutes, in case one of them doesn't work! ''[disapproving grumbles from the other priests]'' :'''Father Ted''': Not a popular one, Joe. Father Flynn, what did you write? :'''Father Flynn''': I haven't written anything, because I'm not really good at that type of thing. But I did a drawing. :'''Father Ted''': Right, well, can we have a look? :''[Flynn reveals the drawing; it shows himself naked from behind, while walking a dog]'' :'''Father Flynn''': What do you think? :'''Father Ted''': Well, er... :'''Father Flynn''': It's me, in the nip, with a dog! :'''Father Ted''': ''[bewildered]'' What... how... how does that help you win a parachute? :'''Father Flynn''': What do you mean, parachute? I wasn't listening at the start, there. Why would I want a parachute? :'''Father Ted''': The plane's in trouble, and there's a competition to see who gets a parachute. :'''Father Flynn''': Ohh... ''[sits down, looking shellshocked]'' :'''Father Ted''': Okay, er, Father Jack, you next. ''[there is no response. The priests look around, but Jack is nowhere in sight]'' Father Jack? Where's Father Jack? :'''Pilot''': The parachutes! The parachutes have gone! :''[we see Father Jack, standing at one of the aeroplane's doors; he has one of the parachutes for himself, and has strapped the other to the drinks trolley. He pushes the trolley out, then follows it]'' :'''Father Jack''': ''[echoing]'' DRIIIIIIIIIIIIINK! <hr width=50%/> :''[After Ted has climbed out of the plane, reattached the fuel line to the engine and saved the day, he remembers his fear of flying]'' :'''Father Ted''': ''[terrified]'' AHHHHHH! WHAT AM I DOING ON THE FECKING WHEELS!? AHHHH! == A Christmassy Ted == (''Ted is having a pleasant dream when Dougal wakes him up'') :'''Dougal''': [''Excitedly''] Ted! Ted! :'''Ted''': [''startled''] Wah! What?! What?! :'''Dougal''': [''holding out a bag of peanuts''] Would you like a peanut? :'''Ted''': A peanut? You woke me up to offer me a peanut?! God, Dougal! :'''Dougal''': Sorry Ted. :'''Ted''': Go to bed! (''Ted falls asleep and starts dreaming again. He is running terrified down a hill, being chased by giant peanuts'') <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dougal''': God, I can't wait to see what's under tomorrow's window. I bet it's a donkey or something. :'''Father Ted''': Really? So, you've changed from your initial prediction of... what was it again? "Ruud Gullit sitting on a shed." God, Dougal, where do you get these ideas from? I bet it's just a lovely angel. What would you say is behind tomorrow's window, Father Jack? :'''Father Jack''': A PAIR OF FECKIN' WOMEN'S KNICKERS! :'''Father Ted''': Well... who knows? :'''Father Jack''': KNICKERS! :'''Father Ted''': Yes, Father. :'''Father Jack''': WOMEN'S KNICKERS! :'''Father Ted''': Yes, Father, yes! Message understood! God almighty! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': Oh God, we're in the Lingerie! Dougal. We're in Lingerie! :'''Dougal''': Where's the problem there, Ted? <hr width=50%/> (Eight priests are now lost in Ireland's biggest lingerie section) :'''Father Ted''': Father Bigley, I want you on point. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': Who's got the most boring voice? :'''Billy''': What? :'''Father Ted''': Of the lot of us, who's got the most boring voice? :'''Fitzgerald''': ''(extremely dull voice)'' That'd be me, Ted... :'''Father Ted''': Right, now, listen to me-- :'''Fitzgerald''': I have an awful, dreary monotonous voice, God help me... :'''Father Ted''': Yes, yes, now listen-- :'''Reilly''': ''(loud stage voice)'' '''Ted! Were you asking for a dramatic, exciting voice?''' :'''Fitzgerald''': No. He said boring. He wanted a boring voice. :'''Reilly''': '''In that case, you must excuse me for my impetuous interruption'''! :'''Father Ted''': Listen! This is what we're going to do... :'''Dougal''': ''(to Father Terry)'' What's going on? :'''Terry''': I think Ted has a plan. :'''Dougal''': No, I mean in general. :'''Terry''': Well, he's going to get us out of the lingerie section. :'''Fitzgerald''': ''(speaking into intercom, boring voice)'' Ladies and gentlemen, could you please bring your purchases to the checkout as the store is about to close. Hurry up. Come on, hurry up, will ye... :''(customers begin to walk towards the gathered priests)'' :'''Father Ted''': ''(grabbing the microphone)'' Not that way, for feck's sake, the other way! Move! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mrs Doyle''': Well, it's not before time Father. I always thought you were one of the best priests in the country. :'''Father Ted''': Thank you very much Mrs Doyle. ''One'' of the best? Or maybe ''the'' best? Hahaha, go on Mrs Doyle! Honestly, would you say I'm the best priest in the country at the moment? :'''Mrs Doyle''': Well... :'''Father Ted''': If you don't think I'm the best priest in the country, just say so. I honestly won't mind! :'''Mrs Doyle''': I'd say you might be... ''the second best''! :''[Contrary to his previous statement, Father Ted looks very disappointed]'' :'''Mrs Doyle''': I mean -- :'''Father Ted''': No, it's alright! I'm not the best priest in the country, I'm only the second best. There's somebody better than me, apparently. :'''Mrs Doyle''': Well, Father, I was just thinking of those priests who work in ''very'' poor areas. :'''Father Ted''': Oh yeah, of course, those lads! Father Archbishop Desmond Tutu and the likes! :'''Mrs Doyle''': Well, I think Archbishop Tutu is a Protestant man! :''[Both laugh]'' :'''Father Ted''': Hahaha, oh right! Oh great! So a Protestant is better than me. :''[Mrs Doyle tries to console Ted]'' :'''Father Ted''': No, no no, there's no need to continue this, I'm not the best, I'm just the second best. Apparently the Golden Cleric is a runner-up prize. Well, I'm so sorry! Obviously I'm just an idiot! Obviously I can't even say Mass properly! :'''Mrs Doyle''': Father, I was just -- :'''Father Ted''': '''NO'''! Don't take it back! '''THAT'S''' what you said! You said I wasn't the best priest in the country! That's fine! I just wanted to know where I stand. Obviously now I'm just going to have to jack it in. :'''Mrs Doyle''': '''WHAT'''?! :'''Father Ted''': I'm leaving the priesthood! :'''Mrs Doyle''': '''BUT FATHER!''' :'''Father Ted''': '''NO'''! I am going to write a letter to Bishop Brennan asking for early retirement and maybe when I go, you can ask the other priest; "Father Peter Perfect, the Perfect Priest" to come here and you can work for him since he's obviously '''''such a great priest'''''! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': Hello, is this "being vaguely unhappy but not being able to figure out exactly why"? :'''Priest 1''': No, this is "how to break the news of a death". :'''Priest 2''': We were just talking about techniques, I say it's best to just get it over quickly, "Your husband's dead and he's not coming back, get used to it!" :'''Priest 1''': Ah, yes, but sometimes a few little hints help, like "remember how your husband USED to love a good laugh?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Mrs. Doyle''': Father, while you were out for your walk, we had a phone call. I think you were supposed to do a funeral today... :'''Father Ted''': ''[horrified]'' The funeral! I completely forgot all about it! :'''Mrs. Doyle''': It's alright! Father McGuire said he'd do it. :'''Father Ted''': ''[calming down]'' That's ok so... ''[realises what she said and panics]'' DOUGAL'S DOING A FUNERAL?! YOU LET DOUGAL DO A FUNERAL?! ''[cut to a cemetery, where the hearse is sticking out of the open grave, and on fire, with the coffin propped up against it. Paramedics help the funeralgoers to safety, while a soot-faced undertaker glares at Dougal]'' :'''Dougal''': Sorry about that. ''[the hearse explodes]'' <hr width=50%/> ''[Mrs Doyle is trying to guess the name of a priest who is attending the Golden Cleric award ceremony]'' :'''Mrs Doyle''': Father Andy Riley. :'''Priest''': No. :'''Mrs Doyle''': Father Desmond Coyle. ''[priest shakes head]'' Father George Byrne? Father David Nicholson? Father Declan Lynch? :'''Priest''': I'll give you a clue. :'''Mrs Doyle''': NO CLUES!! I'll get it in a second. Father Ken Sweeney? Father [[w:Neil Hannon|Neil Hannon]]? Father Keith Cullen? Father Ciaran Donnelly? Father Mick McEvoy? Father Jack White? ''[fade out and back in; Mrs Doyle still guessing]'' :'''Mrs Doyle''': Father Henry Bigbigging? Father Hank Tree? Father Hiroshima Twinkie? Father Stig Bubblecard? Father Johnny Hellzapoppin’? Father Luke Duke? Father Billy Ferry? Father [[w:List_of_confectionery_brands#C|Chewy Louie]]? Father John Hoop? Father Hairycake Lynam? Father Rabulah Conundrum? Father Peewee Stairmaster? Father Tighthead Lips? Father Jemima Ractoole? Father Jerry Twig? Father Spodo Komodo? Father Cannabranna Lammer? Father Todd Unctious? :'''Priest (Father Todd Unctious)''': YES! Well done! ''[Mrs Doyle looks very pleased with herself]'' == Series 3 == === Are You Right There, Father Ted? === :''[on discovering that Father Jack has taken to living in a box]'' :'''Father Ted''': Maybe he's agoraphobic. :'''Father Dougal''': Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted. <hr width=50%> :'''Father Ted''': Dougal, look. :''(Dougal gives Ted a lampshade that he is holding. Ted puts it on his head and proceeds to do an offensive impression of a Chinese person)'' :'''Father Ted''': I am Chinese, if you please! :'''Father Ted''': Come on, Dougal, lighten up! ''[Chuckles]'' :''(Ted turns around, and sees a family of Chinese people watching through the window. He is horrified, and takes the lampshade off of his head.)'' :'''Father Ted''': ''[pointing at the window]'' Dougal, there were Chinese people there! :'''Father Dougal''': All right, yeah. :'''Father Ted''': I mean, what... what... :'''Father Dougal''': That's the Yin family. They're living over there in that old Chinatown area. :'''Father Ted''': Chinatown area?! There's a Chinatown on Craggy Island?! Dougal, I wouldn't have done a Chinaman impression if I'd known there was gonna be a Chinaman there to ''see'' me doing a Chinaman impression! :'''Father Dougal''': Why not, Ted? :'''Father Ted''': Because... Because it's racist! They'll think I'm a racist! I'm gonna have to catch up with them and explain I'm not a racist! <hr width=50%/> :'''Colm''': Hello there, Father! :'''Father Ted''': Ah, hello Colm! Out and about? :'''Colm''': Yeah. Same as yourself. :'''Father Ted''': Good, good! :'''Colm''': I hear you're a racist now, Father! :'''Father Ted''': Wha-what? :'''Colm''': How'd you get interested in that type of thing? :'''Father Ted''': Who said I'm a racist?! :'''Colm''': Everyone's saying it, Father! Should we all be racist now? What's the official line the Church has taken on this? :'''Father Ted''': No! No- :'''Colm''': Only, the farm takes up most of the day, and at night I just like a cup of tea. I mightn't be able to devote myself full-time to the old racism. :'''Mrs. Carberry''': Good for you, Father! :'''Father Ted''': What? Oh, Mrs. Carberry! :'''Mrs. Carberry''': Good for you, Father! Well someone had the guts to stand up to them at last! Coming over here, taking and our jobs and our women, and acting like they own the feckin' place! Well done Father! Good for you! '''Good for you!''' I'd like to feckin'... ''[slipping and sliding on the muddy ground]'' Feckin' Greeks! :'''Colm''': It isn't the Greeks, it's the Chinese he's after! :'''Father Ted''': '''I AM NOT AFTER THE CHINESE!''' :'''Mrs. Carberry''': I don't care who he gets as long as I can have a go at the Greeks! They invented gayness! :'''Father Ted''': LOOK, WE ARE NOT HAVING A GO AT ANYBODY! I AM NOT A RACIST, ALL RIGHT?! God! :'''Mrs. Carberry''': '''FECKIN' GREEKS'''! :''[...]'' :'''Colm''': How's Mary? :'''Mrs. Carberry''': She's fine, she got that job after all. :'''Colm''': Great! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': Look at that! A perfectly square bit of black dirt on the window! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': But best of all the Chinese people themselves. Look at them there, aren't they great? The Chinese; a great bunch of lads. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Seamus Fitzpatrick''': You old fool, I've sheltered you for fifty years, you've never even made me a cup of tea! :'''Nazi Veteran''': ''You'' make the tea, ''I'' do the washing up! :'''Father Seamus Fitzpatrick''': When did ''you'' do the washing up?! :'''Nazi Veteran''': I did it for the whole of 1947, and again in 1973! :'''Father Seamus Fitzpatrick''': YOU LIAR! You broke all the plates and then you said "Ah, I am so tired! I never had to wash up plates when I was in the [[w:Wehrmacht|Wehrmacht!]]" <hr width=50%/> :''[Father Fitzpatrick and his Nazi friend take two valium]'' :'''Father Seamus Fitzpatrick''': Wait, these aren't [[w:Valium|Valium]]! These are the [[w:Suicide pill|cyanide]] we kept for emergencies! You put cyanide next to the Valium, you old fool, that's asking for trouble! :'''Nazi Veteran''': Oh, shut up! :'''Father Seamus Fitzpatrick''': You shut up! We've only got fifteen seconds to live! <hr width=50%/> :'''Sean Yin''': Well, the slide show was a big pile of crap. But the free drink, very much appreciated! Thank you Father Crilly! :'''Father Ted''': Yes well, I just wanted to clear things up; I'm not a fascist, I'm a priest. Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas... priests... More drink! :'''All''': ''Hooray!'' :''[...]'' :'''Father Ted''': To China! :'''All''': ''Hooray!'' :'''Sean Yin''': To Craggy Island! :'''All''': ''Hooray!'' :'''Father Ted''': More drink! :'''All''': ''Hooray!'' :'''Bartender''': I'm sorry, the bar's closed. :'''All''': ''Hooray!'' :'''Father Ted''': Tell you what, how about everybody goes back to my place for a drink? :'''All''': ''Hooray!'' :'''Father Dougal''': Wait, I need to go to the toilet first! :'''All''': ''Hooray!'' <hr width=50%/> :''[After unwittingly bringing the Chinese back to a Parochial House full of Nazi memorabilia]'' :'''Father Ted''': ...I can explain everything! ''[beat]'' Actually, no, I can't. === Chirpy Burpy Cheap Sheep === :'''Fargo''': Father Crilley! Hello there! :'''Father Ted''': Fargo! ''(nods towards Chris the sheep)'' How's the champ? :'''Fargo''': Ah he's great. Few quid on him this year Father? :'''Father Ted''': I put the entire annual heating allowance on him to win. :'''Fargo''': If he doesn't win... what does that mean Father? :'''Father Ted''': Well... we won't have any heating. But if the rest of the year stays as warm as the summer, we're laughing! <hr width=50%/> :''(Hud and Giant are having a practiced conversation in front of Chris the sheep, knowing that the animal is listening to them)'' :'''Hud''': Have you heard of this creature going around terrorizing animals on the island? :'''Giant''': No! Tell me more. :'''Hud''': They say it's as big as a jaguar. :'''Giant''': The car? :'''Hud''': No, the big cat thing. And its face is nothing but big white teeth as sharp as knives. :'''Giant''': Has it killed yet? :'''Hud''': No, but it's only a matter of time. :'''Giant''': Hope it doesn't attack me and my sheep. :'''Hud''': Not even a man's sheep is safe. :'''Giant''': Oh dear. :''(The camera moves to a close up of Chris the Sheep's face)'' :'''Hud''': Oooohhhh... ''(ie worrying sound)'' :'''Giant''': Oooohhhh... :'''Hud''': Oooohhhh... :''(Worrying sounds from Hud and Giant continue)'' <hr width=50%/> :''(Dougal is listening to a BBC sound effects record while Ted reads the paper)'' :'''Father Dougal''': I think people will soon give up listening to pop music and listen to this type of thing instead. :'''Father Ted''': You know, from what I hear the charts today, I'm not sure if that's happening already! :'''Father Dougal''': ''(confused)'' What? <hr width=50%/> :'''Mrs Doyle''': Do you think our new guest would like a cup of tea Father? The little sheep fellow. (''laughs simperingly'') :'''Father Ted''': I don't think they drink tea Mrs Doyle. Not unless you have some sheep tea (''laughs'') :'''Mrs Doyle''' (''suddenly serious''): Yes. :'''Father Ted''' (''taken aback''): What? :'''Mrs Doyle''': Yes, we do have some sheep tea. :'''Father Ted''': Oh. Well... you'd better... give him some of that, then. :'''Mrs Doyle''' (''overjoyed''): Okay so! <hr width=50%/> :'''Indiscernible audience member at the competition''' ''(whenever something shocking is revealed)'': Fuckin' hell! <hr width=50%/> :'''Alan''': Should I call the police, Father? :'''Father Ted''': No. He's lost the trust of his sheep. That's punishment enough for a farmer who deals primarily...with sheep. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': God, Dougal, you should have seen him. He's just a shadow of a sheep... :'''Father Dougal''': I'm not surprised, Ted. If I was a sheep, I'd be watching my back right now. :'''Father Ted''': Why? :'''Father Dougal''': Because of the beast. They say it's as big as four cats and it's got a retractable leg so's it can leap up at you better. And you know what, Ted, it lights up at night and it's got four ears, two of them are for listening and the other two are kind of back-up ears. Its claws are as big as cups and for some reason, it's got a tremendous fear of stamps! Mrs Doyle was telling me that it's got magnets on its tail, so's if you're made out of metal it can attach itself to you and instead of a mouth, it's got four arses! :'''Father Ted''': DOUGAL! It's a legend, it doesn't exist! :'''Father Dougal''': Right Ted, the way the Phantom of the Opera doesn't exist. :'''Father Ted''': The Phantom of the Opera DOESN'T exist! Look, I'm not going to get involved in another what exists and what doesn't exist debate, but I'm gonna have to insist you add those last two to the chart! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': If there's one place he can be absolutely assured of peace and quiet... :'''Father Jack''': AH, FECK! ''[Father Jack falls down the stairs shouting]'' Feck, feck, feck, feck, feck! :'''Father Ted''': I think it would be an insult to you if I were to finish that sentence. === Speed 3 === :'''Dougal''': ''(referring to the baby competition)'' I thought the standard this year was rubbish. :'''Ted''': It was awful alright. A lot of very sloppy babies, who looked as though they really couldn't be bothered. And the hairiness of some of those babies; It was a very hairy baby parade. :'''Dougal''': Exactly Ted, if people aren't even going to shave their babies before they come out, I mean... <hr width=50%/> :'''Pat''': You wouldn't be advising the use of artificial contraception now Father? Would ya? :'''Father Ted''': Yes I...no I...if you're going to be...I...of course you, you...''just feck off''! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': [''trips over a brick Jack is dragging round on a piece of string''] Wha... what's going on!? :'''Mrs Doyle''': Father Hackett's got very fond of that brick. It's a great old pet for him! He doesn't have to feed it or clean it or take it to the vet. Suits him down to the ground! :'''Father Jack''': I love my brick! :'''Father Ted''': Ah, that's nice. Maybe we're seeing a new side to Father Jack? A more caring, considera-- :''[Jack suddenly hurls the brick at Ted, knocking him out]'' :'''Father Jack''': Ah, feck it! Fed up with "briiiiiick"! <hr width=50%/> :''[After Father Dougal has encountered some naked women at the very beginning of the episode; last line of the episode]'' :'''Father Dougal''': Those women were in the nip! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mr. Fox''': ''(Dougal's New Boss)'' You'd better get going, actually. Milk gets sour y'know. Unless it's UHT milk, but there's no demand for that because it's shite. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mrs. Doyle''': Oh, Pat was wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box. :'''Father Ted''': What! How dare you...! :'''Pat''' (raising an enormous adjustable spanner): Yes, too big for the milk float. <hr width=50%/> :'''Pat''': ''[In a menacing phone call to Ted]'' You got me sacked. And now I'm having to [[w:Masturbation|yank meself off]] around the clock because I haven't got any proper sex with girls! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': [after Ted puts the brick on the accelerator and tells him to step off the float, waving the brick in the air] Ted! You forgot your brick! <hr width=50%/> :'''Pat''': ''(still laughing evilly in the phone box)'' Oh yes, I'm afraid you messed with the wrong milkman, Father. ''(puts on sunglasses)'' Well, if you don't mind, I'm off. Better get out the earplugs, Father, because when that milk float goes up ''(the bomb-rigged milk float, now with no driver, wanders up behind the phone box without Pat noticing)'', you'll hear it all the way to the North Po- :''(The scene cuts to an Inuit man fishing in the Arctic. He hears a large explosion and looks around in confusion, indicating that the milk float has detonated, killing Pat. The scene then cuts to the parochial house telephone, which is now buzzing.)'' === The Mainland === :'''Father Jack''': Feckin' birds again. <hr width=50%/> :''(Jack is having his eyesight tested)'' :'''Optician''': Well, I must say, I'm confused. His eyesight seems to be better than ever before. He read right down to the very last line, and even I can't see that one. :''(The chart is revealed to repeat the word "drink" over and over again with the letters getting smaller each time)'' :'''Ted''': I think I know what happened. You see, Father Jack has a great fondness for saying that particular word. :'''Optician''': Well, it's the first time I've used that eye chart actually. I got it free with a promotional crate of Carlsberg. :'''Ted''': Okay, we'll come back and pick Jack up later. (They leave) :'''Optician''': Now, Father. This chart was given to me by Slovakia's premier lens manufacturers, Feck Arse Industries. ''(The new chart is revealed to repeat the words "Feck Arse" over and over again with the letters getting smaller each time)'' <hr width=50%/> :''Upon meeting [[w:Richard Wilson (Scottish actor)|Richard Wilson]], a.k.a. [[w:Victor Meldrew|Victor Meldrew]]'' :'''Father Ted''': You know what he'd love? He'd really love it if someone came up to him and said his catchphrase. :'''Father Dougal''': Oh, yeah, Ted! He'd love that! You should definitely do that. :'''Father Ted''': Should I? :'''Father Dougal''': Oh, yeah. I'd say no-one ever does that to him. He'll think you're hilarious. You know, this is one of those times where I'm absolutely, one hundred million percent sure that you'll be doing the right thing. I can safely say that you definitely, definitely won't regret doing that. :'''Father Ted''': Okay, I'm going to do it. Will I? :'''Father Dougal''': Yeah, go on! :'''Father Ted''': Okay, hold the camera. :''[Ted walks over to Wilson, who is talking to a tour guide]'' :'''Father Ted''': (yells loudly) I DON'T BELIEVE IT! :''[Wilson violently assaults Ted, and has to be restrained]'' :'''Richard Wilson''': I'll bloody well kill you! :''[Ted eventually escapes Wilson, and walks back to Dougal, looking shellshocked]'' :'''Father Dougal''': Well? What did he say? Did he laugh? :'''Father Ted''': No. No, no, no. Not really. I'm going to sit down now. <hr width=50%/> :''[Father Jack is unwittingly attending an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting]'' :'''Ronald''': At that stage, I was drinking over a pint of vodka a day. :'''Father Jack''': YES! :'''Ronald''': Yes. At that point, all I could think about was where the next drink was coming from. :'''Father Jack''': DRINK! :'''Ronald''': I didn't give a damn about my wife or kids. :'''Father Jack''': Bleurghhhhhh! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tour Guide''': Now, this rock here is actually granite. :'''Father Ted''': How long would that have been there? :'''Tour Guide''': Oh, many, many millions of years. :'''Father Ted''': Really, as long as that? That is fascinating. :'''Father Dougal''': How come all the rocks are different sizes? :'''Tour Guide''': Well... you know, rocks are ''generally'' different sizes. :'''Father Dougal''': Wow! I'm finding out all kinds of things I never knew about rocks. :'''Tour Guide''': Of course, at this time, this whole area would have been submerged underwater. :'''Father Dougal''': How did everyone breathe? :'''Father Ted''': They'd have had some sort of apparatus. :'''Father Dougal''': Oh, right. Wow, look at that rock over there! :'''Tour Guide''': This is actually the oldest part of our tour. This particular cave was formed more than fifteen million years ago. :'''Father Ted''': Wow, I don't believe it. :''[the man in front of Ted turns around; it's Richard Wilson]'' :'''Richard Wilson''': You again! ''[attacks Ted]'' Get out of here, I don't want to see you again! BASTARD! ''[Ted and Dougal flee deeper into the caves]'' :'''Tour Guide''': That part's not open to the– ''[sees Richard Wilson]'' Oh, Mr Wilson, can I just say how incredibly sorry I– :'''Richard Wilson''': No, that's all right, that's all right. As long as I don't have to hear that '''bloody catchphrase''' again. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tony''': (Losing patience) WILL YOU SHUT UP! WILL YOU! WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP! WILL YOU SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP! :'''Noel Furlong''': (Offended) Well... well I've never... I've never... Tony, I'm putting you on my list of enemies. (Gets out a notepad and begins writing)There...you're in for it now Tony... (Suddenly happy again) HA! Only joking! See what I really wrote. (He shows Tony his pad. It reads "I REALLY like Tony". <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Noel Furlong''': ''[with only his hand visible]'' They were just going to find the tour operator, tell him I'm buried under a huge pile of rocks and be right back. :''[cut to]'' :'''Aer Lingus staff''': And that's four tickets to Paraguay. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Jack''': Pub! DRINK! ''[goes inside the pub and starts pounding on the bar]'' DRINK, DRINK, DRINK! '''DRINK!''' :''[Ronald happens by the pub, and sees Jack through the window. He runs inside and grabs a bottle of whiskey out of Jack's hands]'' :'''Ronald''': Don't do it, Father! I won't let you do it! I know it hurts, but believe me, you're going to thank me for-- :''[cut to an ambulance driving down the street, with its lights flashing and siren sounding]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': There was a time when the police in this country were friends of the church; speeding tickets torn up, drunk driving charges quashed, even a blind eye turned to the odd murder! <hr width=50%/> :''[last line of the episode; Richard Wilson has just arrived at the Parochial House, and Ted has answered the door]'' :'''Richard Wilson''': I DON'T BELIEVE IT! === Escape from Victory === :'''Father Dougal''': There's nothing stupid about football! And there's nothing at all stupid about the Annual All-Priests Five-a-Side over 75s Indoor Football Challenge Match, against Rugged Island. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': Didn't you tell me once that Father Jack had a trial for [[w:Liverpool F.C.|Liverpool]]? :'''Father Ted''': No... no, he was ''on'' trial, ''in'' Liverpool. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': Last year, Dick made me photocopy my own rear end. They never let me in that library again. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': God, Ted. D'you remember [[w:Gianni Versace|that fella]] who was so good at fashion they had to shoot him? <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': So there's...no way he'll be able to play? :'''Father Niall''': No. No, he's dead. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dick Byrne''': ''[on the phone]'' I ''am'' going to win again, Ted! :'''Father Ted''': Ha, that's what you think, Dick, but we've got...Wait a minute! How'd you know I was here!? :''[Dick hangs up. At the same time, an ice cream jingle plays from outside. Ted goes to the window and (presumably) sees Dick outside]'' :'''Father Ted''': DAMN YOU, FATHER DICK BYRNE! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': More bad news, Dougal. I've just been speaking to Father Ned Fitzmorris. He tripped on a paving stone and one of his kneecaps fell off. There's no way around it...I'm going to have to put him in goal. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': Dougal, I don't want you to be physio this year. I want you to... look after the corner flags. :'''Father Dougal''': Oh God, Ted, for a second there I thought you were going to give me something completely stupid to do. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mrs Doyle''': (hesitantly, while watching football and reading from the book "Understanding Football for Women") Go on... my son. <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': Got the forfeit, Ted! :'''Father Ted''': Oh God... :'''Father Dougal''': Dick said it was an extra-special forfeit, because you were such a big cheatin' bastard. :'''Father Ted''': All right, open it, open it! The tension is killing me! :'''Father Dougal''': Ah don't worry Ted, he probably just wants you to clean his car or some...''[Dougal opens the letter and reads the forfeit; his expression becomes one of shock]'' :'''Father Ted''': What is it!? Break it to me gently! :'''Father Dougal''': All right. [''reads''] Ted. By this time next week you have to... :'''Father Ted''': What? :'''Father Dougal''': You have to... :'''Father Ted''': What!? [''snatches the letter off Dougal, reads it, horrified''] Kick Bishop Brennan up the arse! === Kicking Bishop Brennan up the Arse === :''[Ted is dreaming of his new parish; a tropical island, where two of the natives have dragged him to the edge of a volcano as a human sacrifice]'' :'''Father Ted''': Ah come on now, lads! :'''Native''':Quetzacoatl, the Volcano God is angry! We must appease his wrath! :'''Father Ted''': Volcano God, what nonsense! Look, I'll ask again, will you not give Catholicism another try? :'''Native''': Nah, it wouldn't really catch on here. And sure, we don't agree with the Pope's line on artificial contraception; it's the 90s, for God's sake! ''[they throw Ted in]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': I was just thinking about my next parish. Bishop Brennan is always threatening to send me somewhere unpleasant, and this time I think he just might go through with it. You see...I'm going to kick him up the arse. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dougal''': Hello Len. :'''Bishop Brennan''': Don't call me "Len", you little prick! I'm a bishop! :'''Dougal''': Oh right. ''(pause)'' Well done. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bishop Brennan''': Alright, Crilly, I’ll make this short. Show me the likeness and I'll be off. I have to be off to Rome for an audience with the pope. :'''Dougal''': I love those programmes. Have you seen the one with [[Elton John]]? :'''Bishop Brennan''': SHUT UP! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': Do you not notice the holy smell of the room? :'''Dougal''': Ah, Ted, I think that might just be Father Jack's underpants hamper. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mrs. Doyle''': Shall I make the beds in the spare room? :'''Father Jessup''': [sarcastic] No, we'll sleep outside in a ditch! :'''Mrs. Doyle''': OK so... would you like a cup of tea? :'''Father Jessup''': [sarcastic] No, We want to die of thirst. :'''Mrs. Doyle''': [uncertain] Ok so... :'''Father Ted''': [quiet] Mrs. Doyle, I think Father Jessup might have been being a bit... sarcastic... :'''Mrs. Doyle''': Really? Were you being sarcastic, Father Jessup? :'''Father Jessup''': [still sarcastic] No, we'd like to die of thirst. :'''Mrs. Doyle''': [looks confusedly at Father Ted] :'''Father Ted''': [quiet] Mrs. Doyle, I know it's a bit confusing, but the trick is to do the ''opposite'' to what Father Jessup says. :'''Mrs. Doyle''': [very uncertain] So, you really... ''do''... want a cup of tea? :'''Father Jessup''': [exasperated] Yes! [reaches out for the cup, as Mrs. Doyle pulls it away, looking very pleased with herself thinking she has understood correctly. Father Jack awakens and moves, rattling some cans of drink] :'''Bishop Brennan''': Aha, the Kraken awakes! Did we disturb you, Father Hackett? :'''Father Jack''': Arse biscuits! :'''Father Jessup''': What? How dare you speak to his grace like that! Apologise immediately! :'''Father Jack''': [''in a sarcastic manner''] I'm so, so, sorry. [''wiggles his nose like a rabbit''] :'''Father Ted''': [''addressing Mrs Doyle''] Now, ''that's'' sarcasm. <hr width=50%/> :''[During Bishop Brennan's meeting with [[w:Pope John Paul II|Pope John Paul II]]]'' :'''Bishop Brennan''': HE DID KICK ME UP THE ARSE! ''[bowls the Pope aside and runs for a phone]'' Get me on the first plane back to Ireland! NOW, GODDAMN IT! ''[hangs up and sees the other priests, bishops and cardinals staring at him]'' What're ye looking at, huh!? <hr width=50%/> :'''Mrs Doyle''': Father Jessup, what are you doing in Father Hackett's underpants hamper? :'''Father Jessup''': He locked me in here! Oh God... The smell! :'''Mrs Doyle''': Are you not terribly uncomfortable in there? :'''Father Jessup''': Of course I'm uncomfortable! I want to get out..." :'''Mrs Doyle''': [thinks for a few moments, before coming to a conclusion] Okay so! [leaves] :'''Father Jessup''': Where are you going? HELP ME! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bishop Brennan''': [angry] What brings me here?! Well I suppose the company, eh? Or the fresh air? Or the view from my window of that great pile of ''sludge''?! But number one on the list would be the matter of ''you'' kicking ''me'' up the ''arse''! <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': [''to Father Jack, scaring him''] FECK OFF!! === Night of the Nearly Dead === :'''Father Dougal''': I'm ''hugely'' confused, Ted... <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Dougal''': It's like a big tide of jam coming towards us, but jam made out of old women. <hr width=50%/> :'''Eoin McLove''': Go away... ''(pause for thought)'' ...you big dirty pile of old biddies! <hr width=50%/> :'''Eoin McLove''': Go away! I don't want to catch the menopause! :'''Father Dougal''':(Looking out the Window)I'm no good at judging the size of crowds,but i'd say theres around seventeen million of them out there :'''Father Dougal''':You're not scared of the dark,are you?It's only cause the sun goes...and...its got something to do with clouds <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Jack''': They lie in wait like wolves. The smell of blood in their nostrils. Waiting. Interminably waiting. And then... :'''Father Dougal''': He's right, Ted. <hr width=50%/> :'''Eoin McLove''': ''(To Ted after being told not to eat jam out of the jar)'' Leave me alone. I can have you killed! <hr width=50%/> :'''Patsy''': Thanks for everything, Father. Oh, and thanks for not mentioning Eoin's "problem." :'''Father Ted''': Oh yes, you mentioned that before. What was it? :'''Eoin''': I have no willy. <hr width=50%/> :'''Eoin McLove''': Well Father, you've got 4 out of 5 questions right on your specialist subject, William Shatner's Tek Wars. So, if you get the general knowledge question right, the £500 will be yours. Oh no! People will think this is rigged. John Paul II. What was his name before he became pope? :'''Father Ted''': (long pause across end credits) Jim? === Going to America === :''(Father Ted and Father Cagney are wearing motorbike helmets to protect themselves from Father Jack's nail cutting)'' :'''Father Cagney''': How much money did this parish bring in last year? :'''Father Ted''': How much money? God I don't know. :''(One of Father Jack's fingernails is clipped and breaks a window)'' :'''Father Ted''': Another bloody window gone!.. I suppose we take in about 150, maybe 200 pounds. :''(Another one of Father Jack's fingernails flies free and strikes Ted in the helmet)'' :'''Father Ted''': Mrs Doyle! Aim into the wall, ''please''. :'''Father Cagney''': 200 pounds huh? What's that? Not even 400 dollars. You know what I'd do with 400 dollars? I'd wipe my ass with 400 dollars. :''(Father Ted is disgusted at this)'' :'''Father Ted''': Good God. And can that still be used as legal tender? <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Cagney''': I know they're gonna love ya in the States, Ted. You put on a show! But remember, it's a competitive market! You'll be up against Billy Graham and those Nation of Islam guys! You gotta get your own inch, you gotta grab 'em! You know where to grab 'em? :'''Father Ted''': Yeah, by the balls! :'''Father Cagney''': I was gonna say by the shoulders... <hr width=50%/> :'''Mrs Doyle''': Well, as long as we all go to America with you... that's the important thing. I think if I heard that I couldn't go for any reason, I'd have to say that that would be the single most crushing blow of my life. A disappointment like that? I don't see how I could live with it. I might have to take the ultimate step... and take my own life! :'''Father Ted''': Mrs Doyle that's a terrible thing to say! :'''Mrs Doyle''': Well it doesn't matter anyway because I am going to America! (laughs hysterically) <hr width=50%/> :'''Father Ted''': The way I feel now...I could convert ''gays''! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mrs Doyle''': I got someone to come around and take away all the furniture and burn it in a ''big'' fire! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dougal''': Now you're going to tell us you're Santa or something! :'''Ted''': No, I... I'm the opposite to Santa. :'''Dougal''': What, the anti-Santa?! <hr width=50%/> :''(Ted, Dougal, Jack and Mrs Doyle are standing in the check-in queue at the airport)'' :'''Dougal''': (genuinely excited) You know Ted, all my life I've dreamed about something really special happening to me, and now it is! I think this is the greatest moment of my life! :'''Mrs Doyle''': (her head popping up behind Dougal) Me too! :'''Father Jack''': BIG BRAS! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dougal''': Who are you? What are you doing here? :'''Father Ted''': This is Father Buzz Cagney. He's here on a short visit. He's from America. :'''Dougal''': America, eh? We were just talking about that fella [[Kurt Cobain]]. He was from America. Imagine blowing your head off with a shotgun. How'd he manage to survive that? :'''Ted''': He didn't, Dougal... he died. :'''Dougal''': Oh right. <hr width=50%/> [Final Lines] :'''Ted''': Night, Dougal. :'''Dougal''': Night, Ted. ==External links== {{wikipedia}} *{{imdb title|id=0111958|title=Father Ted}} * [https://web.archive.org/web/20110930225223/http://www.feck.net/splange/ftfaq.html ''Father Ted'' FAQ (archived, original page not available any longer)] [[Category:Channel 4 (UK) shows]] [[Category:UK sitcoms]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] ltbev37bjl1yszjbshcned8brzhnzw4 0 13444 3158009 3155904 2022-08-25T23:49:16Z 2601:19B:700:8C0:7021:872:FB64:7607 /* Lori Beth Denberg */ I have corrected a punctuation error wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''{{w|All That}}''''' (1994-2000, 2002-05, 2019-20) is an American sketch comedy television series created by Brian Robbins and Mike Tollin for Nickelodeon. {{tv-cleanup|2007-02-11}} {{unreferenced|article about a serial production}} ==First Run (seasons 1-6)== ===[[w:Josh Server|Josh Server]]=== :'''Himself ''[after getting amnesia due to a concussion from a falling spotlight]'':''' "My name is Lord Swaynesborough of Fontcastle." <hr width=50%/> :''[Detective Dan has just entered a classroom at Dullmont Jr. High School, thinking that it was a bank being robbed.]'' :'''Detective Dan:''' "I'm Detective Dan! Everybody up against the wall, and nobody move!" :'''Student ''[Bynes]'':''' "Um...Detective Dan...how are we supposed to get up against the wall ''without moving''?" :'''Detective Dan:''' "I'm Detective Dan." :'''Student ''[Bynes]'':''' "That explains nothing." <hr width=50%/> :'''Detective Dan:''' "Hello, Pizza Shack? I'd like a large pepperoni pizza with no pepperonis." <hr width=50%/> :'''Detective Dan:''' "Wait a minute! Where was ''I'' when this robbery was takin' place? Hmmmm...''boys''! Beat me, and then push me so I go flyin' out the window!" :''(The officers [Knowings and Tamberelli] accompanying Detective Dan do as he says.)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Bernie:''' "My name is Bernie Kibbitz. AND I NEED PANTS!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry Futile ''[the host of ''You Can't Win!'']'':''' "How many shoes?....Ooooo, ''wrong''! The answer was nine. Nine shoes." <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry Futile:''' "YOU...CAN'T...WIN!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry Futile:''' "True...or false? Oooo, ''wrong''! The correct answer is, that one was 'googly-googly-wick-wick-wick-wick'." <hr width=50%/> :'''Emily Maroon:''' "Wall...wall hit face. It hurt." <hr width=50%/> :'''Toby Braun:''' "I give you...The Board!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Toby Braun:''' "Forget that bicycle! Forget that treadmill! Forget that thing I was tryin' to sell you last week! The Board is the only piece of fitness equipment you and your loved ones will ever need!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Toby Braun:''' "Check the pulse...irregular; good!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Toby Braun:''' "With The Brute, you don't need a telephone!" :''(The Brute [guest star Ron Lester] destroys the telephone.)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''The Brute:''' "I like flowers." :'''Toby Braun:''' "ME, TOO!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Walter the Earboy:''' "WAIT A MINUTE! I know a guy who has huge ears like mine and everybody likes him! He'll tell me what I should do!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Superdude ''[Thompson]'':''' "Well, if it isn't Milk Man!" :'''Milk Man:''' "'Udderly' correct...Superdude! Hope my little visit doesn't ''sour'' your day!" :'''Superdude:''' "That's putting it mildly! Last time I saw you, you were rotting in prison!" :'''Milk Man:''' "And I have ''you'' to thank for ''putting'' me there! I hate when someone ''spoils'' my fun!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Jimmy Bond:''' "Wow, that is some penny!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Julio ''[Miss Piddlin's assistant]'':''' "Miss Piddlin? Here--here's more peas. Isn't that a lovely thing, more peas? I was just gonna set 'em down very slowly..." <hr width=50%/> :'''Tandy Spork:''' "Chocolate? Randy, once you've tasted the magical freshness of carrots, asparagus, broccoli, and green beans, you'll find that you won't even ''want'' to eat that nasty, silly chocolate anymore!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Mumbly Spice:''' "Flick in blob, a wig a wang jang blang; I mean, pop music, if it is, puh-tuh, hmmm, I mean cleeto, please, clang, you know." ===[[w:Kenan Thompson|Kenan Thompson]]=== :'''Superdude:''' "I'm Superdude, teenage superhero with powers that amaze the stupid." <hr width=50%/> :'''Superdude:''' "I'm Superdude, the teenage superhero with powers that make women sweat!" :'''Sweaty Woman ''[Denberg]'':''' "It's true!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Superdude:''' "I'm Superdude, the teenage superhero with powers that can make hamsters dance!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Superdude:''' "I'm Superdude, the teenage superhero who's always in the right place at the right time!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Superdude''': ''[usually after his intro]'' "I also enjoy...fluffy stuffed animals, and...soft kisses, and...chatting on the phone long-distance." <hr width=50%/> :'''Nasty Nancy''': "You'd be nasty, too, iffin' you was a cowboy named...'Nancy'." <hr width=50%/> :'''Mavis:''' "Hey, Clavis, wake up; the show is over." :'''Clavis ''[Mitchell]'':''' "Oh, yeah; kick it!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Piddlin:''' "Miss Piddlin almost let her bad temper and delicate mental conditions get the better of her!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Piddlin:''' "Taste the peas! C'mon, little angel! Tell Miss Piddlin whatcha think of the peas!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Piddlin:''' "Careful, Miss Piddlin, don't lose your pea cool." <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Piddlin:''' "JULIO!!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Piddlin:''' "Well, if you don't wanna eat peas, don't eat nothin' at all!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Piddlin:''' "Miss Piddlin is back--with her special salad. I like to call it...peas!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Spice Cube ''[formerly Burt Spice]'':''' ''[rapping]'' "''Fuzzy little bunny, all cute and sweet; cuddly little rabbit, come play with me! Your ears are floppy, and your whiskers, they bend! You're so cute and fuzzy; won't you be my friend? Booooy!''" <hr width=50%/> :'''Spice Boys fan ''[Leon Frierson]'':''' "Will you guys sign my Spice Boy dolls for me? I got 'em all; they're so cool!" :'''Spice Cube:''' "Oh, look how adorable your cute little dolls are! Of course we can sign your dolls...I mean, uh, they--they look real tough, ya know what I'm sayin'? Punks? Punks!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Other character ''[Saul]'':''' "Yeah, my question is for ''Burt'' Spice. Um, Burt...what's with your name?" :'''Burt Spice:''' "What do--what do you mean?" :'''Other character ''[Saul]'':''' "Well, you know, uh, Hairy Spice is hairy, and Dead Spice is, well, not living." :''(Dead Spice is a skeleton.)'' :'''Other character ''[Saul]'':''' "You're just ''Burt'' Spice; now, don't you think that's kinda lame?" :'''Burt Spice:''' "Well, uh...no; the Spice Boys, we're all about music and boy power and friction. Trust me, nobody cares about my ''name''." <hr width=50%/> :''[Ishboo is a phony foreign exchange student.]'' :'''Other character ''[Denberg]'':''' "Ishboo...where ''are'' you ''from''?" :'''Ishboo:''' "Thank you for asking!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Ishboo:''' ''[to the security guard]'' "Look at my swinging jewel. When I snap my fingers you will leave quietly." ''(Security guard falls asleep.)'' :'''Ishboo''': "Oh, well; close enough." <hr width=50%/> :'''Ishboo:''' ''(to Dr. Prober [Mitchell])'' "Look at my swinging jewel. When I snap my fingers you will put the needle down and walk out the door." :''(Dr. Prober slams the needle down, sits on it, and yells, slamming everything down and running out of the door.)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Ishboo:''' "In my foreign land, it is only proper that the guests sleep in the bed, and that ''you'' sleep on the ''floor''!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Kay ''[Bates]'':''' ''[She and Ishboo are on a date, and she has just watched him dance]'' "Oh, Ishboo, where did you learn to dance like that? In your foreign land?" :'''Ishboo:''' "Yes; when I was a small Ishboo, I accidentally sat on a hot stove. The excruciating butt pain taught me how to wiggle myself!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Bill Cosby:''' "Eat at least one gallon of yellow pudding every day." <hr width=50%/> :''(As a result of Angelique Bates's departure from ''All That'', Mandy is no longer on the ''Cooking With Randy & Mandy'' sketch.) :'''Randy:''' "Well, we all know how much Mandy loved chocolate. Unfortunately, during a recent chocolatey-wild weekend, Mandy lost her mind and consumed 479 pounds of pure milk chocolate. Last I heard, Mandy was locked away in a chocolate rehabilitation facility. We wish her well." <hr width=50%/> :'''Randy:''' ''[after tasting his dish, 'Burrito Surprise'--a chocolate-covered burrito]'' "That makes me wanna sing!" ''[singing to the tune of 'La Cucaracha']'' "''La chocolata, la chocolata''...all right! Now, the next dish that I have prepared for you is called 'chocolate on top of chocolate, smothered in chocolate'." <hr width=50%/> :'''Antoine:''' "What it is." <hr width=50%/> :'''Bradley the Big Ol' Baby:''' "Three pounds of applesauce. Bradley want three pounds of applesauce." <hr width=50%/> :'''Milton Querie ''[host of Family Vs. Family]'':''' "Now, our categories are...movies...famous forks...trousers...and things that go 'moo'." <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry Futile:''' "Question number 5...blippity-blippity-booty-loo, blippity-blippity-moo." :'''Antoine:''' "Wait, did you just say 'blippity-blippity-booty-loo, blippity-blippity-moo'?" :'''Jerry Futile:''' "That is correct; now, what is your answer?" :'''Antoine:''' "Uh...meatloaf?" :'''Megan ''[Bynes]'':''' "74!" :'''Shelley ''[Reyes]'':''' "Is it a...kangaroo?" :''[The buzzer sounds.]'' :'''Jerry Futile:''' "Ooooo, WRONG! I'm sorry; the answer was 'meatloaf.'" :'''Antoine:''' "But, I ''said'' 'meatloaf'! Didn't y'all hear Antoine say 'meatloaf'?!" :'''Shelley:''' "Yup, he said 'meatloaf'." :'''Jerry Futile:''' "But, I didn't hear him. Sorry." <hr width=50%/> :'''Coldfinger:''' "Look at my finger! It is ''so'' cold! Feel it! C'mon, feel how cold it is!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Principal Pimpell:''' "As principal of Dullmont Junior High School, Principal William...Baines...Pimpell!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Principal Pimpell''': ''[while teaching the "gifted" class]'' "Now, these little black 'squiggles' are symbols called 'letters'. Now, now, together, these letters form visual representations of ''words'', like, for example, let me see...'coconut'! 'Coconut' is a word. Can anybody say, 'coconut'?" :'''Student ''[Denberg]'':''' "C-C-C-''scissors''?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Principal Pimpell:''' ''[singing to the tune of ''Dry Bones'']'' "''The finger bone's connected to the...shin bone! The shin bone's connected to the...brain bone!"'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Officer Ulcer ''[of the U. S. S. Spaceship]'':''' "Aw! ''Nobody'' stops ''my'' engines cold!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Lester Oaks, Construction Worker:''' "My name is Lester Oaks, Construction Worker!" <hr width=50%/> :''[appeared in the All That Tenth Anniversary Special Good Burger sketch]'' :'''Lester Oaks, Construction Worker''': Crunch bunny! ====Everyday French With Pierre Escargot==== :''[Each of these is the "translation" of a French phrase.]'' *There are small children in my nose. *May I blow my nose in your sandwich? *I want to shave your back. *My father's name is Stephanie. *You look like Stephanie, but you smell like Robert. *I'm sorry; I thought that was ''my'' pocket. *What time is it, and why do you smell like cheese? *Why is your butt talking? *''(after speaking an unusually long French phrase in which he mentions actor/singer Patrick Swayze [1952-2009])'' How are you? *Hey! Who put that bacon fat on my toilet seat? *Who are you, and why are you wearing my Daddy's panties? *I'm from Minnesota, and my name is ''Winnifred''! *Thanks for buttering my squirrel. *I thought you said this was pudding! *Who broke the pickle pump? *Kiss me! Squeeze me! Call me "Mrs. Beasley"! *Oh no! The babysitter exploded! *Monkeys are tickling my tummy. *May I take a nap in your nose? *I have not showered in 36 days! *Kiss me under the baloney tree! *Take those pork chops out of your brassiere! *Hey! Stop licking my kangaroo! *I enjoyed meeting your sister in prison! *I'm a pretty little girl. *May I pop my pimple on your lasagna? *Excuse me! I am not a drinking fountain! *Wow! How did you get an onion in there? *Pardon me, but this tissue has already been used. *Thanks for the lovely used tissue! *Please remove your banjo from my belly button. *Oh, no! The macaroni is infected! *I told you I had gas. *Merry Christmas! May I get you a cup of hot fat? *That's not an elf, that's my grandmother! *Hey! Look what the reindeer left on my roof! *That's not bubblegum! That's Porkboy the Breakfast Monkey! *Keep your hands off my chicken nuggets! *Mmmm! This men's room smells wonderful. *Who said you could live in my toilet? *Your grandfather looks pretty in that wedding dress. *This looks like mustard, but it tastes like ''you''! *Oh, no! It shrunk! *Where is the library and why is your nose filled with ointment? *Your wallpaper is making my eyebrows explode. *You look different. Did you brush your nose hair? *Don't cry. It's only a rectangle. ===[[w:Kel Mitchell|Kel Mitchell]]=== :'''Ed:''' "Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger; can I take your order?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Ed:''' "Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Is there anything in my nose?" :'''Customer ''[guest star Tracy Lynn Sullivan]'':''' "I don't ''know''." :''(She leaves in disgust.)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Ed:''' ''[singing]'' "''I'm a dude, he's a dude, she's a dude, 'cause we're all dudes, hey!''" <hr width=50%/> :'''Ed:''' "Uhhh...no?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Ed:''' "That'll be eight bucks." <hr width=50%/> :'''Customer ''[Server]'':''' "Hi, I'd like a Good Punch." :'''Ed:''' "Okay." ''[Ed punches the customer in the face, KO-ing him.]'' :''[The customer awakens a few minutes later.]'' :'''Customer:''' "Why did you hit me? All I did was ask for a Good Punch!" ''[Ed knocks him out again.]'' :''[The customer wakes up again.]'' :'''Customer:''' "Okay, I think I've got it now. I keep asking for a Good Punch, and you keep hitting me repeatedly, with that in mind. I would like to order one Good ''Soda''. That is S-O-...D-A...soda." :'''Ed:''' "One Good Soda." :'''Customer:''' "Right." ''[Ed punches him out again.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Pizzaface:''' "Hey! Don't bag on Walter like that!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Pizzaface:''' "I'm Pizzaface...Walter's friend." <hr width=50%/> :'''Okrah:''' "Today on the Okrah show, you'll be entertained by other people's tragic lives." <hr width=50%/> :'''Lump Maroon:''' ''[only dialogue]'' "Jupiterrrrrrrrr!" <hr width=50%/> :''(Lump and his brother Emily and sister Chuck [Reyes] have knocked down their neighbor [Thompson], who has returned Emily's missing trousers.)'' :'''Emily Maroon:''' "We knocked down Grandma!" :'''Neighbor:''' "Look! I ain't your Grandma! All right?! I'm not related to you Maroons in any way!" :'''Lump Maroon''': "Jupiter." :'''Neighbor:''' ''[pointing to Lump]'' "Especially ''him''!" <hr width=50%/> :''(Mavis [Thompson] and Clavis [Mitchell] are sitting in the audience, while laughing at one of Bynes's and Server's "Squash Boy" sketches.)'' :'''Clavis:''' "Ya hear that, Mavis? They're callin' for somebody named 'SQUASH BOY'!" :'''Mavis:''' "Yeah...''that's'' funny! Never heard of a boy...made entirely outta squash...''before''!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Baggin' Saggin' Barry ''[Thompson]'':''' "I thought I had the biggest, baggiest pants in the world...then I met Baggin' Saggin' ''Mary''." :''(Earlier, the other students at Dullmont Jr. High School had asked Baggin' Saggin' Barry and Baggin' Saggin' Mary [Reyes] to pull various objects out of their pants; one of the things was a white TV set with red polka-dots. Mary also had a remote control, but Barry didn't. Before that, one of the students [Denberg] had requested pumpkin juice, and Barry had only a pumpkin to give her. Mary, however, ''did'' have a can of pumpkin juice, and she was sure that her trousers could hold more things than his could.)'' :'''Clavis:''' "You've been blessed with magic trousers. Use your gift. You just gotta reach deep down in your pants...and pull out things you never knew you had. Reach down deep." <hr width=50%/> :'''Coach Kreeton:''' "Oh, the life I live is sad!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Coach Kreeton:''' "No...no...NO! ''Don't dance like a buncha crazy dancin' people''! This is ''volleyball'', not one of them rock'n'roll videos with the...hoodlum music!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Coach Kreeton:''' "Aww, my happiness is a memory!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Coach Kreeton:''' "Hehe! Hehe! Hehe! Goooood..." <hr width=50%/> :'''Coach Kreeton:''' "Why must you upset me in ways I can't understand?!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Coach Kreeton:''' "I demand to see your hall, pass, ticket, slip!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Coach Kreeton:''' "All right; now, tell me what's in your book...pack...bag...sack!" <hr width=50%/> :''(Principal Pimpell has called a meeting with Miss Fingerly [Denberg], Tandy Spork [Server], Mr. Treble [Zack McLemore], Coach Kreeton [Mitchell], and Janitor Gaseous [Tamberelli], to find someone to fill in as principal of Dullmont Jr. High School for him while he is away, having his pimple removed.)'' :'''Coach Kreeton:''' "Oh, yeah; celebrate! Celebrate! It's about ''time'' ya popped that pimple! Oh, every time I look at it, it makes me think of the ''Moon''! Oh, I'm so happy! The only thing worser than that ol' crazy-lookin' pimple...is my sad...miserable life." <hr width=50%/> :'''Butter Boy:''' "Superdude, why don't you rub up against me?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Alan:''' "Welcome to Cereal Critics, with Alan and Allen. I'm Alan, A-L-A-N." :'''Allen ''[Server]'':''' "And I'm Allen, A-double L-E-N." :'''Alan:''' "This morning, we're talking about...what else?" :'''Both ''[in unison]'':''' "CEREAL!" :'''Alan:''' "The first cereal on our list is...Lucky Germs. I think we have a clue. Let's take a look." :''[A video of them eating Lucky Germs cereal is shown.] :'''Allen:''' "I found Lucky Germs good-tasting and fun; even ''whimsical'', if you will." :'''Alan:''' "I ''won't''. I started out skeptical because of their scary jingle...♪''Frosted Lucky Germs'', ''they're tragically contagious''♪...what's with that?" :'''Allen:''' "Heh-''lo'', the jingle's a joke. If I lent you five bucks, would you ''buy'' yourself a sense of humor?" :'''Alan:''' "No, but I'd buy some...''antacid''. I'm still gassy." :'''Allen:''' "Thank you, Mr. Cranky Colon. Well, anyway, I say, 'spoons up'." :'''Alan:''' ''[makes a buzzer noise]'' "The correct response is, 'spoons down'." <hr width=50%/> :''[Repairman has just dropped through the ceiling, making a mess.]'' :'''[Other character]:''' "What was that?" :'''Repairman:''' "That was me! I'm...Repairmanman-man-man-man-man!" :'''[Other character]:''' "What's with the echo?" :'''Repairman:''' "Echo my butt!" <hr width=50%/> :'''[Other character]:''' "What's with the echo?" :'''Repairman:''' "Echo schmecho!" <hr width=50%/> :'''[Other character]:''' "What's with the echo?" :'''Repairman:''' "Go away!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Repairman:''' ''[noticing that a family's lamp is flickering]'' "Looks like lamp trouble; I can fix that for ya jiffy-quick!" :'''Father ''[Kevin Kopelow]'':''' "Please don't repair it." :'''Repairman:''' "But I must; I'm...Repairman-man-man-man-man-man!" :'''Mother ''[Denberg]'':''' "He's being very gentle." :''[Repairman "repairs" the lamp.]'' :'''Older daughter ''[Reyes]'':''' "Daddy! What is he ''doing''?!" :'''Repairman:''' "That lamp won't be giving you any more trouble; I repaired it!" :'''Father:''' "No. No, you didn't. You killed it." :'''Younger daughter ''[Johnson]'':''' "You squashed our helpless lamp!" :'''Repairman:''' "It was nothing!" :'''Mother:''' "It was horrible! You're a ''bad'' repairman!" :''[The rest of the family stares at her.]'' :'''Mother:''' "...-man-man-man-man-''man''!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Commander Feeble ''[Server]'':''' ''[of Repairman's "repairs" to the U. S. S. Inferior space shuttle]'' "LET'S GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE HE REPAIRS US ALL!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Kay:''' "All right, all right, it's the one, it's the only, but never lonely, Diggy-Diggy-Dr. Kay! Hey, if you parents out there have any questions about your kids, make my telephone dance; let's go! Say 'Hey', to Diggy-Diggy-Dr. Kay!" :'''Man on the phone:''' "Hey, uh, hey, Dr. Kay, listen, uh, I have a 9-year-old son, and, well, he keeps puttin' on his sister's clothes. What do I do?" :'''Dr. Kay:''' "Uh, puts on his sister's clothes. Uh, what's the name?" :'''Man on the phone:''' "Steven." :'''Dr. Kay:''' "Tell me, does Steven look good in a dress?" :'''Man on the phone:''' "Yes, he does." :'''Dr. Kay:''' "A 9-year-old son, wears his sister's clothes...Dr. Kay's advice; call the boy 'Stephanie'! Problem solved!" :''[He rings his gong with his slingshot.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Prober:''' ''[during Ishboo's checkup]'' "Let me just check your ears. That's all right." :''[He checks Ishboo's left ear, and sees Ren and Stimpy, from ''The Ren & Stimpy Show''; they are screaming while blasting off into outer space.]'' :'''Dr. Prober:''' "Oh! Let me check the other one." :'''Ishboo:''' "Okey-dokey." :''[He checks Ishboo's right ear, and sees a polar bear.]'' <hr width=50%/> :''(A boy named Jake Feta has just used a "cheese fizz", and has thus been arrested by the Cheese Police.)'' :'''Jake Feta ''[Thompson]'':''' ''[to Officer Jack Colby, of the Cheese Police]'' "But you said we were friends!" :'''Officer Jack Colby:''' "Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I once said I was Dorothy from ''The Wizard Of Oz''. But ya don't see Toto...do ya?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Officer Jack Colby:''' "Man. If it isn't one cheese, it's another other! It's another other! I'm...on my way!" ===[[w:Lori Beth Denberg|Lori Beth Denberg]]=== :'''Herself ''[on Vital Information]'': *"If your face looks like a fig, and it's your birthday...then happy birthday, fig face!" :''[The audience laughs.]'' :"Thank you." *"Mirror, mirror, on the wall...LOOK AT ME; I'M A PERSON TALKIN' TO A PIECE OF GLASS!" *"If you're lucky enough to have a hammer...please...don't hammer in the mornin'." *"When it rains, it pours. When it snows...it's ''cold''." *"If you're on TV, giving out vital information, and your phone rings...don't answer it." *"It's not...'okay' to eat breakfast cereal out of your underpants." *"If you're on a first date with someone, never stick your finger in their spaghetti, twirl it, and holler, 'Looky, date; I'm makin' s'ghetti circles!'" *"''Twinkle, twinkle, little star; how I wonder''...how in the world that ''song'' ever became so ''popular''." *"There's no ''real reason'' to play basketball naked." *"Never spit on someone and then say, 'That's what spit feels like'." *"If you're drinking apple juice, and it feels warm...odds are, that ain't apple juice." *"If your friend's Mom asks you what you'd like to drink, don't say, 'Oh, nothin'. My mouth's fulla '''spit''''." *"The early bird gets the worm. Fine! I don't ''want'' the worm!" *"''Never'' put underwear on your head, and say to people, 'I'm little Nancy, and this my ''pretty'' new hat." *"It is better to sit there and ''look'' stupid...than it is to stand up, open your mouth, and announce, 'HEY, I'M ''DEFINITELY'' STUPID!'" <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Fingerly:''' "The classroom is no place to exchange ideas and information!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Fingerly:''' "The classroom is no place for research." <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Fingerly:''' "The classroom is no place for enjoying yourself." <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Fingerly:''' "Good afternoon, students. I trust you all enjoyed lunch. I ''myself'' consumed a ''tasty'' chicken pot pie. Teachers love chicken pie...''cock-a-doodle-pie''!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Loud Librarian:''' "QUIET! THIS IS A LIBRARY!" ''(blows airhorn)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Herself:''' "I want a rhinoceros...carved out of pure gold!"* <hr width=50%/> :'''Santa Claus:''' "So, Lori Beth, have you been a good girl this year?" :'''Lori Beth:''' "Hmmm, no." :'''Santa Claus:''' "Bye-bye!" :'''Lori Beth:''' "Seeya, Santa." <hr width=50%/> :'''Sweaty Woman:''' "You two couldn't be more wrong! It's Superdude!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Fingerly:''' "The classroom is no place for hiney-slappin'!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Loud Librarian:''' "Noisy! I thought I told you no talking! You talk, you walk!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Loud Librarian:''' "SILENCE! QUIET! STIFLE! HUSH! SHHH!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Loud Librarian:''' "SILENCE! NEVER ENTER THIS LIBRARY AGAIN!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Loud Librarian:''' ''[after closing the door and ringing the bell that she has recently put on it]'' "HUSH, BELL! THIS IS A LIBRARY, NOT A RINGAMERRARIUM!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Fingerly:''' "SILENCE! THIS IS A LIBRARY! NOT A SNEEZE HALL!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Loud Librarian:''' "QUIET! THIS IS A LIBRARY! NOT A TALKATORIUM!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Loud Librarian:''' "I SAID 'SHUSH'! CAN'T YOU HEAR MY WORDS?!" :'''Other character ''[Knowings]'':''' "You are not a very good librarian." <hr width=50%/> :'''Loud Librarian:''' "EVERYONE, QUIET! YOU SQUEAK...I FREAK!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Other character [Bynes]:''' "I'm sorry. I thought this was the library--" :'''Loud Librarian:''' "WRONG! THIS IS THE ''LIBRARY'', AND THAT MEANS NO NOISE! WHAT KIND OF LUNATIC ARE YOU?!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Connie Muldoon:''' "I was never ''in'' my car! We Muldoons don't believe in motor vehicles!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Herself:''' ''[singing]'' "''I'm so proud of my new bunny; he wiggles his nose, and eats my honey; he tickles my toes, I tickle his tummy; and that's why I'm so proud. Proud, proud, proud; bunny, bunny, bunny...''" ===[[w:Katrina Johnson|Katrina Johnson]]=== :''(Susie, from a form of the Girl Scouts known as the Little Pansies, who wear pink uniforms, is trying to sell her cookies to a man named Bernie [Mitchell] and his wife [Bates]; she has just climbed in through their window after Bernie rejected her at the front door.)'' :'''Susie:''' "Okay, here is the deal; buy 30 boxes of Fudgy Clots, and I'll knock of 3%!" :''(Each box of Little Pansy cookies costs $5; this would cost $145.50 altogether.)'' :'''Bernie:''' "What do you think you're doin'?" :'''Susie:''' "Selling Little Pansy cookies! Haven't I made that clear?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Bernie's wife:''' "Times sure have changed; when I was young, we were never pushy Pansies." <hr width=50%/> :'''Susie:''' "Did I mention that Lulu Creams are made with real synthetic nougat?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Ross Perot:''' Did you know I'm freakishly rich? I mean, I got over $4 billion. <hr width=50%/> :'''Perot:''' ''[looks hungrily at Pizzaface]'' How can I concentrate with that dee-licious pizza starin' at me? <hr width=50%/> :'''Perot:''' Look at me, I'm in a bathtub full of money. I'm a sawed-off freak, takin' a $4 billion jacuzzi! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dorothy:''' What about me, Mr. Cosby? What about my shower? :'''Cosby ''[Thompson]'':''' Well, you see, Dorothy, a shower is like a box of peanuts that you sit on with your wife Camille. And the grapefruit, and the avocados, and the little children running around in the neighborhood. Purty, purty, purty. Purty, purty, purty. And then, your big toe swells up in your underpants. <hr width=50%/> :'''Lemonade Scammer:''' ''[after giving a customer free but spicy peanuts]'' "Those peanuts were soaked overnight in jalapeño pepper juice. I call 'em 'jalapeanuts'. Is that cute, or what?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Lemonade Scammer:''' ''[to a customer]'' "Thirsty?" :'''Customer ''[Server]'':''' "Lemonade, please." :'''Lemonade Scammer:''' "Five bucks." :'''Customer:''' "Five bucks? That's a lot of money." :'''Lemonade Scammer:''' "Well, you seem a lot of thirsty." <hr width=50%/> :'''Lemonade Scammer:''' ''[crying, while holding an audience member's puppy]'' "My Mom said, if I don't sell enough lemonade, she'll sell my puppy!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Lemonade Scammer:''' ''[crying]'' "I went to all the trouble to find your golf ball, and you won't even buy any lemonade!" <hr width=50%/> :''[someone has asked about lactose-intolerant; Johnson's character appears from inside of a grocery display]'' :'''Sally:''' Superdude is lactose-intolerant. That means he can be harmed by dairy products. :'''Woman:''' You mean like ham? :'''Sally:''' No. Ham is meat. Dairy products include milk, butter, cream, cheese, cream cheese, and... :'''YoGurl''': Yogurt! <hr width=50%/> :'''Sally:''' I've got a squeegee! <hr width=50%/> :'''Sally:''' You're the best, Superdude, even if you ''are'' lactose-intolerant. <hr width=50%/> ===[[w:Alisa Reyes|Alisa Reyes]]=== :''[Kiki and Fran are stranded on an uncharted island.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Fran ''[Denberg]'':''' "Kiki, we've been on this island for three years..." :'''Kiki:''' ''[singsong]'' "''Three years, two months, one wee-eek!''" <hr width=50%/> :'''Kiki:''' ''[singing]'' "Fran's here, and I'm here, and you're here, and you're gonna be heeeeeere...forrrrrever-" :'''Fran ''[Denberg]'':''' "Stop it." :'''Kiki:''' "--and ever--" :'''Fran:''' "Stop it!" :'''Kiki:''' "--and ever--" :'''Fran:''' "STOP IT!" :'''Kiki:''' "--and ever--" :''[Fran knocks herself out.]'' :'''Kiki:''' "--and ever...." ===[[w:Angelique Bates|Angelique Bates]]=== :'''Mandy:''' "Mmmm; the chocolate does wonders for the nails." <hr width=50%/> :'''Mandy:''' "Looks like it's raining chocolate syrup. And...can it be snowing chocolate sprinkles?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Penny Lane:''' ''[to Superdude]'' "No, the milk will harm you! You're lactose-intolerant!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Jaleel White ''[as Steve Urkel]'':''' "Surprise! Ha-ha, did I do thaaaaaat?" <hr width=50%/> ===[[w:Amanda Bynes|Amanda Bynes]]=== :'''Ashley:''' ''[starts to read a letter]'' "Dear Ashley..." That's me! <hr width=50%/> :'''Springs:''' ''[sings]'' I'm a teeny-weeny bopper-beany, I'm so nice and he's so meany! <hr width=50%/> :''[Alien Thumtax has just fired on the U. S. S. Spaceship, which is helmed by 10-year-old Captain Tantrum]'' :'''Captain Tantrum:''' ''[wails]'' "You hurt my spaceship! WAAAAAAAAH!" :'''Officer Canker ''[Server]'':''' "Oh, nice goin', Thumtax! You made our little captain cry!" :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "You, you fired lasers at me, and I'm just a little girl!" :'''Thumtax ''[Denberg]'':''' "I--I'm sorry. How was I supposed to know that your captain was a little girl? I'm sorry, lil' Cap'n. I didn't mean to harm your ship; I--what can I do to make you feel better, sweetie?" :'''Captain Tantrum:''' ''[sniffles]'' "Lower your shields." :'''Thumtax:''' "But, I--" :'''Captain Tantrum:''' ''[wails]'' "WAAAAAAAAAH!" :'''Thumtax:''' "All right. Lower shields." :'''One of Thumtax's minions:''' "Shields down." :'''Thumtax:''' ''[to Captain Tantrum]'' "All right, dear; our shields are down. Is that better?" :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "I guess so." :'''Captain Tantrum:''' ''[to Singo and Officer Canker]'' "FIRE MAIN LASERS!" :'''Singo ''[Mitchell]'':''' ''[sings]'' "Firin' lasers!" :''[He and Officer Canker fire the lasers at Thumtax's ship.]'' :'''Thumtax:''' ''[screams, in the destruction of her ship]'' :'''Singo:''' ''[singing]'' "Captain, that was brilliant; Captain, that was brilliant!" :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "Status report, Officer Canker." :'''Officer Canker:''' "Alien ship dee-stroyed." :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "Excellent! Take us out of here, Singo. Heading 2614, mark 2." :'''Officer Canker:''' "But, but, Captain, we're supposed to be heading to Jupiter. That mark will take us directly to some place called...Happy...''Toyland''..." :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "Soooo?" :'''Singo:''' "We don't have time to go to Happy Toyland...no..." :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "BUT I WANNA GO TO HAPPY TOYLAND! I WANNA GO TO HAPPY TOYLAND!..." <hr width=50%/> :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "Porkus II?! That planet is entirely inhabited by...Pigginoids!" :'''Sosumi ''[Reyes]'':''' "Pigginoids?! No! I was harmed and taunted by Pigginoids when I was a little girl!" :'''Captain Tantrum:''' ''[singsong]'' "''No one cares...''" <hr width=50%/> :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "Hey! You aliens! This is Captain Tantrum, of the U. S. S. Spaceship! ♪Whatcha doin'?♪" <hr width=50%/> :''(The U. S. S. Spaceship is under attack by an alien named Velcro, who is made of what his name indicates.)'' :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "Who are ''you''?" :'''Velcro ''[guest star Kevin Carlson]'':''' "I...am Velcro. And I am angry." :''(He removes his neutral mouth and replaces it with his angry mouth.)'' :'''Velcro:''' "See?" :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "All right, VELCRO! Why have you attacked us?!" :'''Velcro:''' "I have issues!" :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "Okay. But...will you please not attack us again?" :'''Lt. Fondue ''[Knowings]'':''' "Oh, ''sure''! You're all polite to ''him''..." <hr width=50%/> :'''Ashley:''' "Our next letter comes from...Mary Schmid, of Butler, Pennsylvania. Mary writes...'Dear Ashley'...thaaaat's me! 'Dear Ashley, for reason, people never pay any attention to me. No one seems to care about me, or anything that I have to say. How come everyone always ignores me?" :''[Ashley puts the letter down.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Ashley:''' "Our next letter comes from...Lisa Lillian, of Queens, New York. Lisa writes...'Dear Ashley'...thaaaat's me! 'Dear Ashley, my name is Lisa. I just bought a new sweater. It is green. Sincerely, Lisa.'" :''[long pause]'' :'''Ashley:''' "WHO STINKIN' CARES?! This is called 'ASK Ashley'! Not 'BORE Ashley to Stinkin' Death'!" :'''Ashley:''' ''[mocking]'' "''Gee, I'm Lisa Lillian! And I just bought a new sweater! It is green! I'm a moron'', and blah-dee-blah-dee-blah-dee-blah-dee-BLAH!" <hr width=50%/> :''(Dr. Debbie is a cheerleading doctor.)'' :'''Dr. Debbie:''' "Pain, pain, go away; come again...NEVER!" ===[[w:Danny Tamberelli|Danny Tamberelli]]=== :'''Janitor Gaseous:''' "Squat and rot!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Campbell:''' "I'm gonna collect all this evidence...with my face!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Campbell:''' "I'm Jack Campbell, Fat Cop!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Francis the Caveman:''' "Me Francis, and I'm a caveman." <hr width=50%/> :''(An alien named Crouton [Tamberelli] is attacking the U. S. S. Spaceship; he has the power to telepathically control the ship and its crew.)'' :'''Crouton:''' "Now, surrender your ship." :'''Captain Tantrum ''[Bynes]'':''' "NEVER!" :'''Crouton:''' "Then I will make you do more unpleasant things!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Singo ''[Mitchell]'':''' ''[singing]'' "''Things aren't good...things are bad...Singo's feeling very sad...''" :'''Crouton ''[groaning]'':''' "Stop it!" :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "Did you ''see'' that? Singo! Sing something else!" :'''Singo:''' ''[singing]'' "''Okay, Captain, have no fear; just tell me what you wanna hear!''" :'''Crouton ''[groaning]'':''' "Stop the singing; it's ''killing me''!" :'''Officer Canker ''[Server]'':''' "Wait a minute. Whenever Singo sings...it harms Crouton!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Hairy Spice:''' "Sweaty, you better be careful around all this electrical equipment; I mean, you're just dripping in sweat. And everybody knows that water and electricity...''don't mix''." ===[[w:Christy Knowings|Christy Knowings]]=== :'''Jessica:''' "And, like, my name is Jessica; ''rrrr''!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Winter Wonders:''' "I'm Winter Wonders, and this is the game show called ''What Do You Do?'', where our panel tries to figure out what some kid does." <hr width=50%/> :'''Lt. Fondue ''[of the U. S. S. Spaceship]'':''' "Captain! What is we gonna do?!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Lt. Fondue:''' "Captain! I'm receivin' a trans-mishy-on from the alien ship that attack-ed-ed us!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Piddlin ''[Thompson]'':''' "I see you had my Julio bring in your carrots." :'''Miss Toodle ''[Miss Piddlin's lunch lady rival]'':''' "Uh-huh, 'cause ya know, children love them some carrots, more than anything." <hr width=50%/> :''(It is Science Day at Dullmont Jr. High School, and none of the students except Tilly [Bynes] did a science project. Ms. Ernestine Klump, the teacher, chooses Jasper to go first.)'' :'''Jasper ''[Thompson]'':''' "Um, this is a stick." :''[He breaks the stick in half.]'' :'''Jasper:''' "Now, it's two sticks." :'''Ms. Klump:''' "Oooo! Very good, Jasper! That science project will have ''many'' uses in the ''computer'' industry!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Ms. Klump:''' "Now, our next show and tell student is Thrack Morton." :'''Thrack ''[Saul]'':''' "Well, for show and tell today, I brought my new...instant juicer! My Uncle Wayne gave it to me, for Nephew Day." :''(Thrack places his juicing machine on Ms. Klump's desk, and takes out a bowl containing several oranges and cups.)'' :'''Ms. Klump:''' "Wow! A juicer; well, that's terrific! Now, what does it do?" :'''Thrack:''' "Well, first, you put the fruit in on top, like this." :''(He puts an orange into the juicer.)'' :'''Thrack:''' "Then, you press the button." :''(He does so, and the juice from the orange pours into the cup that he has placed near the spout.)'' :'''Thrack:''' "And, voilà...juice!" :''(He hands the juice to one of the other students ''[Thompson]''.)'' :'''Thrack:''' "Here, try some." :'''Other student:''' ''[after tasting the orange juice]'' "Mmmm! It tastes like sunshine on a Saturday morning!" ===[[w:Leon Frierson|Leon Frierson]]=== :'''Leroy:''' "Hey; my name's Leroy." :'''Fuzz ''[a blue puppet]'':''' "And my name is ''Fuzz''!" :''[He laughs.]'' :'''Fuzz:''' "How ya doin', Leroy?" :'''Leroy:''' "Anyway, today we're here to talk about somethin' that irritates ''me''. I'm talkin' about ''vegetables''." :'''Fuzz:''' "Leroy, did I just hear you say you don't like vegetables?" :'''Leroy:''' "You wanna make somethin' of it?" :'''Fuzz:''' "Well, gee; no...sorry." :'''Leroy:''' "I know. Now, like I was sayin', before I was so ''rudely'' interrupted by the big-mouthed ''puppet''..." :''[He casts a sideways glance at Fuzz.]'' :'''Leroy:'''...vegetables are ''nasty''." :'''Fuzz:''' "But, Leroy, vegetables are good for you. They're full of ''vitamins and happiness''!" :''[He laughs.]'' :'''Fuzz:''' "And they ''taste'' great, too!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Leroy:''' "Fuzz, we're not done yet. We should have a blow-dryer." :'''Fuzz:''' "A blow-dryer? But that's not a blow-dryer; that's an industrial strength leaf-blower!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Fuzz:''' ''[singing]'' "''Mi-mi-mi...oh, I like to scrub in the tub, 'cause I can play in the bubbles, and wash away my troubles; oh, bath-time sure is fun!''" <hr width=50%/> :'''Fuzz:''' "Kids gotta have a bedtime, so they get plenty of sleep! Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep--" :'''Leroy:''' "You on some kinda medical problem?!" :'''Fuzz:''' "Yes." :'''Leroy:''' "It ''figures''." <hr width=50%/> <hr width=50%/> :'''Billy Fuco:''' "I'M BILLY FUCO!" <hr width=50%/> :''[There has been a long arguement over which Cloudy Knight singer should be top-billed.]'' :'''C.J.:''' "Have y'all caught the midnight train to ''Georgia''? Now, I'm the cutest, and I got the biggest afro, so we will continue to be called...'C.J. and the Cloudy Knights.'" ===[[w:Nick Cannon|Nick Cannon]]=== :'''LaTanya:''' "Okaaaaay!" <hr width=50%/> :'''LaTanya:''' "It's time to get our freak on!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Quik'N'Fast customer ''[Saul]'':''' "Can I just buy these breath mints!" :'''LaTanya:''' "Ugh! You ''need'' 'em, Mr. ''Garbage'' Mouth!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Sweaty Spice:''' "Boy Power!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Sweaty Spice:''' "Look, Burt; this just ain't workin'. ''Sorry''..." <hr width=50%/> ===[[w:Mark Saul|Mark Saul]]=== :'''Yearbook photographer ''[Server]'':''' "That's him! That's the little ''hooligan'' that tied me up and hid me under the ''desk''!" :'''Stuart:''' "Fine, I'm not the real ''yearbook photographer''. I'm just a guy named Stuart. But you know something? If I was the real ''yearbook photographer'', I'd be the best ''yearbook photographer'' IN ALL THE LAND! People would come up to me and say 'Oh, Stuart, you're the best ''yearbook photographer''...EVER!!!!!' You all sicken me!! Now I'm going to get on my pterodactyl and go. C'mon, Terence." <hr width=50%/> :'''Stuart:''' ''[Pretends to take a student's picture with a life-sized replica of an iguana]'' "That picture's gonna come out just great!" :'''Student ''[Bynes]'':''' "But, that's not a camera; that's an iguana." :'''Stuart:''' "You can't prove that!" :'''Stuart ''[to the iguana]'':''' "She doesn't know what she's talking about, Mr. Camera." :'''Student ''[Bynes]'':''' "Look, nut! ''This'' is a camera, and ''that's'' an iguana." :'''Stuart:''' "And I'm a goat." :''[He bleats like a goat, and eats a handful of grass.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Hypno-Pants:''' "Stare into my butt!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Murray:''' "Hey! Could you--hey! Could you bring me--hey! Could you bring me a balloon?" ===Other=== :''[The show opening]'' :'''Announcer ''[Soup]'':''' "Fresh out the box! Stop, look, & watch! Ready yet? Get set! It's All That!" <hr width=50%/> :''[Peter and Flem are performing the actions as narrated]'' :'''Announcer:''' "Peter sharpens pencils the old-fashioned way. Flem sharpens pencils in different parts of his body." <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "Peter exercises every day. He runs over five miles. Flem runs from the police." <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "Peter does his homework making sure he gets all the answers right. Flem hits things with a hammer." <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "After dinner, Peter enjoys a fresh piece of fruit for dessert, like an apple. Flem eats a bag of sugar." <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "Peter makes excuses to go to the restroom. Flem's going to the restroom right now." :''[Flem is not in his restroom.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "Peter turns off his TV set using a remote control. Flem uses a brick." <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "Peter always brushes his teeth before going to bed. Flem brushes his hobo." <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "Peter likes to grow nice plants and flowers. Flem grows things under his arms." <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "Peter likes to read. Flem can't." <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "Every day after school, Peter walks his dog, Fido. Flem walks his grandmother." <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "After doing his homework, Peter relaxes by watching public television. Flem watches underwear." <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "Peter uses his laptop computer to do his homework. Flem smashes stolen coconuts." <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Kevin Kopelow|Kevin Kopelow]]:''' "Five minutes! The show starts in five minutes!" <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Kevin Kopelow|Kevin Kopelow]]:''' "Listen up. I'm just here to tell ya, that in ten minutes, the show will be startin' in ''five minutes''." <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Dan Schneider (producer)|Dan Schneider]]:''' "Hiiiii, everyone! It's time for 'Ask Ashley'!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Ed ''[Mitchell]'':''' Whoa! We have a drive-through window! :'''Mr. Bailey ''[Schneider]'':''' Ed, we've had a drive-through window for 3 years; it's right over there. :''(He points the drive-through window out to Ed.)'' :'''Ed:''' Whoa! How does the car fit through that little window over there? :'''Mr. Bailey:''' It ''doesn't'', Ed! The cars don't drive ''through'' the window; they drive ''past'' the window! :'''Ed:''' Oh; well, why don't they call it a "drive-pass" window? <hr width=50%/> :'''Mr. Bailey:''' ''[looks at a customer's winning ticket, which Ed claimed was for $5,000]'' "Aw, for the love of decimals, Ed, this says he won ''50¢''! 50¢, not 5,000!" <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Mýa|Mýa Harrison]]:''' ''[Describing the perils of live television]'' "...And if things go horribly wrong, we'll show this video clip of Rhineheart the Dancing Monkey-Boy." <hr width=50%/> :'''Complaint Department lady ''[Lori Beth Denberg]'':''' ''[to a customer]'' Complaint Department. Whatcha doin'? :'''Customer ''[Tricia Dickson]'':''' ''[southern accent]'' Well, I have a ''complaint''... :'''Complaint Department lady:''' Is...that your complaint? :'''Customer:''' No. :'''Complaint Department lady:''' If you have no complaint, I must ask you to go home. :'''Customer:''' Well, I certainly ''do'' have a ''complaint''. :'''Complaint Department lady:''' Well, ''make'' up your ''mind''! Do you have a complaint? :'''Customer:''' Yes; I bought this here mini vacuum cleaner. But I wanted a blue one, like on the box...and they gave me this here red one, surely by mistake. :'''Complaint Department lady:''' Well, if I were you, I'd take it right back to the store where I bought it. ==Dialogue== <hr width=50%/> :'''Kevin:''' "Everyone, I have a little surprise for you all! Kenan?" :''[Kenan enters, carrying the Big Ear of Corn, who was feared to be terminally ill. The other cast members are delighted, especially Lori Beth.]'' :'''Josh:''' "It's the Big Ear of Corn!" :'''Angelique:''' "So, what was wrong with the Corn?" :'''Kenan:''' "Nothin'; it turns out that the Big Ear of Corn wasn't even sick at all! Katrina?" :''[Katrina enters, pushing a perambulator containing the Big Ear of Corn's four new offspring, each of whom is at least twice the size of a standard ear of corn.]'' <hr width=50%/> :''(Three new students--Maggot, Rash, and Spew, the members of the band Bacteria--have joined Miss Fingerly's class.)'' :'''Maggot ''[Server]'':''' ''[British accent]'' My name is Maggot! :'''Rash ''[Reyes]'':''' I'm Rash! :'''Spew ''[Thompson]'':''' They call me SPEW! :'''Miss Fingerly ''[Denberg]'':''' All right. Spew, Rash...Maggot. Now, where are you children from? :'''Student ''[Johnson]'':''' Miss Fingerly, don't you know who they are? :'''Student ''[Bates]'':''' Yeah! :'''Student ''[Johnson]'':''' They're ''Bacteria''! :'''Miss Fingerly:''' Now, let's not judge others by their appearance. :'''Student ''[Mitchell]'':''' No; they're Bacteria, the hottest band around! :'''Student ''[Johnson]'':''' Their CD, ''Raw Sewage'', just went Triple Platinum! :'''Miss Fingerly:''' Oh, I see. Well, perhaps you'd like to tell the class how your band ''got'' the name "Bacteria"! :'''Maggot:''' Well, you see, our drummer, Spew, forgot to take a bath for 3½ years, and when we looked under his armpit, we found... :'''Miss Fingerly:''' All right! Let's all take our seats. <hr width=50%/> :''(Treach, Kay Gee, and Vinnie, the members of the rap group Naughty By Nature, are in the library, practicing for their performance as the episode's musical guest)'' :'''Loud Librarian:''' Silence! This is a ''liberry''! Just who do you fellas think you are?! :'''Kay Gee:''' We're Naughty By Nature. :'''Loud Librarian:''' Oh, well; ''that's obvious''! :'''Treach:''' No, no, no; we're the ''rap group'' Naughty By Nature. This is Kay Gee, this is Vinnie, and I'm Treach, and we just came in-- :''(She blows her air horn)'' :'''Loud Librarian:''' Quiet! This is a ''liberry''! Now, look, Treach, Kay Gee, Vinnie? I realize that you are all "naughty", and that it is your "nature" to be so! But if you wanna sing, you're not gonna do it in my liberry! :''(She points to the stage)'' :'''Loud Librarian:''' You can sing over there! :''(Naughty By Nature heads over to the stage)'' :'''Loud Librarian:''' ''(blows her whistle)'' Let's hear a round o' sound for...Naughty By Nature! :''(She blows her air horn again; Naughty By Nature performs their hit "Clap Yo Hands".)'' <hr width=50%/> :''(Rash has left Bacteria, and now Maggot and Spew are holding auditions for a new bass player.)'' :'''Maggot:''' Excuse me; before we start, can you even ''play'' the ''bass''? :'''Waw ''[Tamberelli]'':''' WAAAAAAAW! <hr width=50%/> :'''Amanda:''' Hey, everyone! Before the musical guest comes on, I wanted to show you my magic powers!<br/> :'''Audience:''' Ooh, aah!<br/> :'''Amanda:''' That's right! I'm going to turn these ice cubes into a glass of water!<br/> :''(Puts the ice cubes into a glass; a few seconds go by)''<br/> :'''Amanda:''' Hmmm. This trick usually takes a few hours. Hey, I know! I'll just turn this grapefruit into NSYNC instead! Alaka-ZAM!<br/> :''(NSYNC appears)''<br/> :'''JC Chasez:''' Where are we?<br/> :'''Justin Timberlake:''' And why do we smell like grapefruit? <hr width=50%/> :''[Josh is running on an unstoppable treadmill.]'' :'''Amanda''': Help! Help! I need help! :'''Danny''': What's wrong? :'''Amanda''': I need help. :'''Danny''': Well, I'm right here. :''[long pause]'' :'''Amanda''': Kenan! Kel! I NEED SOME HELP!! :''[Kenan and Kel enter]'' :'''Kenan''': What's wrong? Was Danny bothering you? :'''Kel''': Because we'll take care of him. :'''Amanda''': No. It's Josh. He's stuck on the treadmill, and we can't make it stop! <hr width=50%/> :''(At Good Burger, Mr. Bailey [Tim Goodwin; later played by Dan Schneider] has introduced Ed [Mitchell] to the new employee, Beth [Bates], who becomes Ed's love interest. She and Ed are lost in thought.)'' :'''Ed:''' ''(thinking)'' I'm lost in thought. :'''Beth:''' ''(thinking)'' He seems lost in thought. :'''Ed:''' She's so pretty, just like a...like, uh...like someone who's pretty. :'''Beth:''' I hope he thinks I'm pretty. :'''Ed:''' I do. :'''Beth:''' He'd be the coolest boyfriend. :'''Ed:''' Some vegetables...are green. :'''Beth:''' I wonder if he'll call me, and ask me out on a date. :'''Ed:''' I want to call her, and ask her out on a date, but I don't know how... :''[short pause]'' :'''Ed:''' ...to use a phone. :'''Beth:''' Ed, it's so easy, spell. :'''Ed:''' My foot's cold. :''[looks down]'' :'''Ed:''' Hey! I'm missin' a shoe! :''(Earlier, a customer [Johnson] had found and complained about a shoe in the strawberry milkshake that she had ordered; presumably, this was Ed's right shoe. He had actually noticed it in the milkshake machine, but hadn't bothered to remove it. This had made her "confused...and ''angry''!".)'' <hr width=50%/> :''(Superdude has just dispatched two bullies in a bank and gone outside to tie them up. A little girl dressed as Superdude runs into the bank )''<br/> :'''Fake Superdude ''[Amanda Bynes]'':''' NOBODY MOVE! This is a holdup!<br/> :''(A security guard runs out screaming)''<br/> :'''Weird-Voiced Man''': ...Superdude?<br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' That's right, I'm Superdude! Now gimme all the money--or I'll use my superpowers to harm you!<br/> :''(The Sweaty Woman [Lori Beth Denberg] begins to empty the cash drawer as the real Superdude comes in)''<br/> :'''Superdude ''[Kenan Thompson]'':''' Those bullies won't be bothering anyone anymore!...hey, who are you?<br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' I'm, uh...Superdude!<br/> :''(Pause)''<br/> :'''Superdude:''' Excuse me? <br/> :'''The Sweaty Woman''': Quick! Grab the [[impostor]]! <br/> :''(Before anyone can react, Fake Superdude rushes toward Superdude. The two spin around briefly, and end up facing the bank patrons.)''<br/> :'''Weird-Voiced Man:''' Oh, no! Now we can't tell which one is the REAL Superdude! <br/> :'''Black-Haired Woman:''' I'm totally confused! <br/> :'''The Sweaty Woman:''' Talk about conflict! <br/> :'''Penny Lane:''' Which one is the good Superdude, and which one is the bank-robbing ''evil twin''?<br/> :'''Superdude:''' ...Y'all are kidding me, right? <br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' I'm the REAL Superdude! HE'S the IMPOSTOR! <br/> :'''Superdude:''' ''I'm'' the ''real'' one! <br/> :'''Weird-Voiced Man:''' I can't tell which is which! <br/> :'''Penny Lane:''' What are we gonna DO?<br/> :'''Superdude:''' What is WRONG with you people? LOOK AT US!<br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' He's evil, I tell ya! Evil. Evil!<br/> :'''Superdude:''' Look, look. I'll prove to you that I'm the real Superdude, aight? <br/> :''(He picks up a metal bar and twists it into a knot. The patrons applaud.)''<br/> :'''Superdude:''' Now do you believe me?<br/> :'''Blond Woman:''' He IS the real Superdude!<br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' Wait, wait! Watch this! <br/> :''(She grabs a piece of paper and, after a brief struggle, tears it in half.)''<br/> :'''Weird-Voiced Man:''' That one's got super strength, too! <br/> :'''Superdude:''' WHAT? That ain't super! Oh, for heaven's sake, look--this is NOT the real Superdude! She's a little girl!<br/> :'''Penny Lane:''' I've got an idea! Superdude is lactose intolerant!<br/> :'''Superdude:''' You ain't got to go there.<br/> :'''Weird-Voiced Man:''' Lactose intolerant...what's that?<br/> :'''The Sweaty Woman:''' Lactose intolerant means that Superdude can't handle dairy products--such as cheese, whipped cream, and especially milk!<br/> :'''Penny Lane:''' The Sweaty Woman's right! Does anybody have a pitcher of milk?<br/> :''(The Sweaty Woman has pulled a large pitcher of milk from behind the desk and is drinking from it.)''<br/> :'''The Sweaty Woman:''' ...I do!<br/> :'''Penny Lane:''' Here's how we'll tell them both apart. I'll pour this milk on both of them, and then the real Superdude will be horribly damaged!<br/> :'''Superdude:''' No, I don't think that that's such a good...<br/> :''(Penny pours the milk over both of the Superdudes. Fake Superdude only screams, but Superdude falls to the ground.)''<br/> :'''Superdude:''' A...E...I...O...<br/> :'''The Sweaty Woman:''' SHE'S the impostor! <br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' The Sweaty Woman's right! <br/> :'''The Sweaty Woman:''' I'M ON A ROLL!<br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' But it's too late! Now with Superdude out of the way, I'm free to take all the money! Then I'll POSE as Superdude, and commit crimes ALL OVER THE WORLD! AAAAHHH HAAA HAA HAA!<br/> :''(She takes the sacks of money and heads for the door)''<br/> :'''Weird-Voiced Man:''' Oh, somebody help Superdude! <br/> :'''The Sweaty Woman:''' I've got a blow dryer! <br/> :''(Penny takes the dryer and runs it over Superdude. Meanwhile, Fake Superdude stops to collect a toaster)''<br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' Almost forgot my free toaster! <br/> :''(She takes it and goes toward the door)''<br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' Buh-bye...SUCKERS! <br/> :''(Superdude is dry by now, and stands up.)''<br/> :'''Superdude:''' HOLD IT, you evil bank-robbing impostor! You're not going anywhere! <br/> :''(He turns around and sends magnetic rays out of his buttocks. They attract the metal in toaster, and Fake Superdude, who is still holding the toaster, is pulled back.)''<br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' What happened? <br/> :'''Superdude:''' I stopped you by using my super magnetic force field from my super butt! You should've let go of the toaster, but you HAD to be greedy, didn't ya? <br/> :''(Two police officers enter the bank)''<br/> :'''Superdude:''' Aha! Officers, arrest this bank robbing person as my evil twin!<br/> :'''Police Officer:''' Wow. We just came here to open new accounts and get our free toasters.<br/> :'''Police Officer:''' Thanks a lot, Superdude! Wow--you two really look identical! <br/> :''(They take Fake Superdude into custody.)''<br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' NO! NOO! I'LL BE BACK, SUPERDUDE!<br/> :'''Penny Lane:''' I guess Evil Superdude picked the wrong day to rob a bank!<br/> :'''Superdude:''' You are correct. What can I say-you ''twin'' some, and you lose some! <br/> :''(The patrons break into loud, faked laughter.)''<br/> :'''The Sweaty Woman:''' I don't get it!...HA HA HA HA HA! <hr width=50%/> :''(Detective Dan [Josh Server] has ruined Helga's [Danny Tamberelli]'s wedding.''<br/> :'''Helga:''' YOOOOUUU!! You have angered Helga! ''(grabs Dectective Dan by his trench coat)'' Now you must pay!<br/> :'''Detective Dan:''' Don't mind if I do! <hr width=50%> :''(How Randy and Mandy usually introduce their cooking sketch, ''Cooking With Randy & Mandy''.)'' :'''Randy ''[Kenan Thompson]'':''' Hi! I'm Randy! :'''Mandy ''[Angelique Bates]'':''' And I'm Mandy! :'''Randy and Mandy ''[in unison]'':''' And this is ''Cooking With''... :'''Randy:''' ...''Randy''... :'''Mandy:''' ...''and Mandy''! Hi, Randy! :'''Randy:''' Hi, Mandy! <hr width=50%> :'''Mandy:''' Moms tend to overlook the benefits of chocolate. :'''Randy:''' Mainly that it tastes very, very good. <hr width=50%> :'''Mandy:''' Our next dish is ''nachos''. :'''Randy:''' First, you place the chips in a microwaveable plate... :'''Mandy:''' ...and then you add ''chocolate''. :'''Randy:''' Chocolate ''bars''... :'''Mandy:''' ...chocolate ''chips''... :'''Randy:''' ...chocolate ''sprinkles''... :'''Mandy:''' ...chocolate ''powder''... :'''Randy:''' ...chocolate ''syrup''... :'''Randy and Mandy ''[in unison]'':''' ...''any'' kind of chocolate, ''really''. :'''Randy:''' Because once they mesh together, they become one harmonious chocolate holiday; a ''celebration'' of chocolate, if you will. <hr width=50%> :'''Square dance caller ''[guest star Tim Farmer]'':''' Choose your partner! Do-si-do! Swing your partner 'round and 'round; pick him up and throw him down! Yee-ha! Kick him in the side, kick him in the head; change his name from Bob to Ted! <hr width=50%> :''(The Island Girls are visited by Kiki's sister, Didi)''<br/> :'''Didi ''[Johnson]'':''' Hello, hello!<br/> :'''Kiki''': I wonder who that is?<br/> :'''Fran''': Who cares? It's a person...it's a person that's ''not you''!<br/> :''(She runs to Didi)''<br/> :'''Fran''': Thank you, whoever you are! I'm rescued! I'm rescued! Finally--I'm rescued! Who are you?<br/> :''(Didi removes her goggles)''<br/> :'''Kiki''': Didi!<br/> :'''Didi''': Kiki!<br/> :'''Fran''': Kiki, who is this?<br/> :'''Kiki''': This is my sister, Didi! Didi, this is my bestest friend, Fran!<br/> :''(She hugs Fran, who looks terrified.)''<br/> :'''Fran''': YOUR SISTER?!<br/> <hr width=50%> :'''Quik'N'Fast customer ''[Bynes]'':''' Excuse me, can I have change for a 20? :'''LaTanya ''[Cannon]'':''' Oooo, of course you can, 'cause this ''is'' Quik'N'Fast, the ''bank''! :'''LaNeesha ''[Thompson]'':''' ''[to LaTanya]'' Wait a minute, girl! I thought this was Quik'N'Fast, the ''store''! :'''LaTanya:''' Oooo; you is so right, LaNeesha! I was wrong, you was right; I was wrong, you was right! :'''LaTanya:''' ''[to the customer]'' So I guess you gonna hafta buy somethin' to get your change, then! :'''Quik'N'Fast customer:''' Okay, fine, I'll...take this pack of gum. :'''LaTanya:''' And I give you your change! :''(She pours a beach pailful of pennies onto the counter.)'' :'''LaTanya:''' 1...3...13...it's all here. :'''Quik'N'Fast customer:''' Hey, I didn't want ''pennies''! :'''LaNeesha:''' Oooo, Ms. Fussy was just '''beggin'''' for change, and now she don't want it! :'''LaTanya:''' Maybe she should come back when she knows what she wants, okay? Bye! <hr width=50%> :''(A gym coach [Server] is coaching a boy named Bruno [Thompson] to become a ballerina in Miss Fingerly's [Denberg] ballet class. Bruno has just gotten kicked by one of the other ballet students [Johnson] while the class has been doing pliés.)'' <br/> :'''Coach:''' WHAT WAS ''THAT''?! YOU LET THAT LITTLE GIRL TAKE YOU OUT WITH ONE LITTLE PLEA-LAY! :'''Bruno:''' But...she kicked...me ''hard'', Coach. :'''Coach:''' SHE IS A ''LITTLE GIRL'', FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD, BRUNO! :'''Bruno:''' But, she's real strong, and look, she ripped my tutu. :'''Coach:''' That's just 'tutu bad'*, idnit?! *Play on words: '''too, too'' bad' <hr width=50%> :'''Miss Fingerly ''[Denberg]'':''' All right, class. Today, we will be discussing popular music. Now, who can tell me the name of the very first CD ever released by Boyz II Men? :''(Harpo raises his hand.)'' :'''Miss Fingerly:''' All right, um...Harpo? :'''Harpo ''[Thompson]'':''' Oh, yes! Okay, all right, the very first CD by Boyz II Men was called "II". :'''Balthasar ''[Mitchell]'':''' Noooo...it's "''Cooleyhighharmony''". :'''Harpo:''' No! You're wrong, man! It was called "''II''"! :'''Balthasar:''' "''Cooleyhighharmony''"! :'''Harpo:''' "''II''"! :'''Balthasar:''' "''Cooleyhighharmony''"! :'''Harpo:''' "''II''"! :'''Balthasar:''' Oh! "''Cooleyhighharmony''"! :'''Harpo:''' Oh! I ''hate'' you! :'''Balthasar:''' You make me ''sad''! :'''Harpo:''' Okay; fine, Balthasar! Okay; so, like, you think that Boyz II Men's first CD was called "''Cooleyhighharmony''". But ''I'' know who can settle this, man. :''(Harpo goes to the door and opens it.)'' :'''Harpo:''' Chuh-''guh''! :''(The members of the musical guest, Boyz II Men--Nathan Morris, Michael McCary, Wanya Morris, and Marc Nelson--enter the classroom.)'' :'''Harpo:''' Hey! Boyz II Men! Okay, men, Balthasar there says that your ''first'' CD was entitled "Cooleyhighharmony", but ''I'' think that it was called "''II''". So, who's right? :'''Marc Nelson:''' Well, Harpo, I hate to tell you this, but, um, Balthasar is right. :'''Wanya Morris:''' Yeah. Our first CD was called "Cooleyhighharmony"; the second one was entitled "II". :'''Nathan Morris:''' Yeah, I mean, if you think about it, you know, like, "II"..."II", the second...second album. :'''Harpo:''' I feel so ''foolish''. <hr width=50%/> :''(What the "Whatever Girls" usually say)''<br/> :'''Gina''':Okay?<br/> :'''Jessica''': Okay!<br/> :'''Gina''': Okay!<br/> :'''Jessica''': Okay!<br/> :'''Both''': OKAY!!!<br/> ==Second Run (seasons 7-10)== ===[[w:Chelsea Brummet|Chelsea Brummet]]=== :'''Bridget:''' "Hi! I'm Bridget, and this is my...SLUMBER PARTY!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Abby Rhodes:''' "Like, okay, okay?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Mega Butt:''' "Butt powers ACTIVATE!" ===[[w:Jack DeSena|Jack DeSena]]=== :'''Slimon Bowel:''' "I hate you all." <hr width=50%/> :'''Randy Quench:''' "Here comes me!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Randy Quench:''' "I'm Randy Quench! Volunteer Fireman!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Carson Daly:''' "I'm now bleeding from the ears! I hope you're happy!" ===[[w:Lisa Foiles|Lisa Foiles]]=== :'''Claudia:''' "When life gives me lemons, I suck them." <hr width=50%/> :'''Claudia:''' "I want to give you all an infection." :'''Bridget ''[Brummet]'':''' "Infect people ''later''!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Heather Darling:''' "INCOMING!!!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Heather Darling:''' "That's my name!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Kaffy:''' "MY HEART IS POUNDING LIKE A JACKHAMMER!" ===[[w:Kyle Sullivan|Kyle Sullivan]]=== :'''Harry Bladder:''' "Weenius nosium!" <hr width=50%/> :''[Sacco (Lyons) had enlarged Herhiney's (Foiles) buttocks.]'' :'''Harry Bladder:''' "Look what you did to her heinie!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Brian Peafest''': "Who will be the next American Idiot?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Buzz:''' "MY PULSE IS RACING FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF LIGHT!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Ernie:''' "Here comes the loopy-de-loop." ===[[w:Shane Lyons|Shane Lyons]]=== <hr width=50%/> :'''Soupdude:''' "''I'm'' not Superdude! I'm...''Soupdude''!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Soupdude:''' "I do make wonderful soup. That's why they call me...''Soupdude''!" ===[[w:Giovonnie Samuels|Giovonnie Samuels]]=== :'''Mandy Snackson:''' "Dawg, you did your thing." <hr width=50%/> :'''Driving Instructor:''' "Don't be distracted by distractions!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Dill:''' "Once upon a time...there was this little puppy named Cuddles. And then...Cuddles ate a huge banana split!" ===[[w:Bryan Hearne|Bryan Hearne]]=== :'''Re-Ron:''' "I'm Harry Bladder's precocious best friend!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Zigfried:''' "KUMQUAT!...jerk." ===[[w:Jamie Lynn Spears|Jamie Lynn Spears]]=== :'''Thelma Stump:''' "Got any bacon?...Bacon's goooood." <hr width=50%/> :'''Carlee:'''"I'm Carlee--" :'''Marlee ''[Foiles]'':''' "--and I'm Marlee--" :'''Both ''[in unison]'':''' "--and we've got a passion for trashin' fashion! Uh-huh!" ===[[w:Christina Kirkman|Christina Kirkman]]=== :'''Cindy Lou Rougeneck:''' "I want some babyback ribs!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Sunshine Sally:''' "So, go get the tacos." ===[[w:Kianna Underwood|Kianna Underwood]]=== :'''Kareena Jones:''' "Sass-er-frass!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Kareena Jones:''' "No flapjacks for you TODAY!!" ===[[w:Denzel Whitaker|Denzel Whitaker]]=== :'''Cupid:''' "I don't like it now, and I didn't like it when I was a tall white guy!" ''(the part had previously been played by Lyons)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Jeff Bester:''' "When it comes to safety, I know bester!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Jeff Bester:''' "Yo-yo's going crazy." <hr width=50%/> :'''Jeff Bester:''' "Jeff Bester deems these crayons...UNSAFE!" :''(He makes a loud buzzer noise.)'' ===Other=== :'''Lady in Shane's Mouth ''[Schneider]'':''' "Don't live in a mouth!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer ''[Brian Peck]'':''' "Know your stars...know your stars...know your stars..." ==Third Run (season 11)== ===[[:Kate Godfrey|Kate Godfrey]]=== :'''Marie Kiddo:''' ''(in a boys-only treehouse)'' "Welcome back to ''Getting Rid Of Your Stuff''. I'm your host, Marie Kiddo. I help people decide what to keep, and what to get rid of. Today, I'm here at this super-secret clubhouse for boys." :''(The treehouse belongs to two friends, Chad and Randy, who are asleep in their hammocks.)'' :'''Marie Kiddo:''' "HI, CHAD AND RANDY!" :''(Chad and Randy fall out of their hammocks.)'' :'''Chad ''(Ryan Alessi)'':''' "Marie? How'd ''you'' get in here?" :'''Randy ''(Lex Lumpkin)'':''' "No girls allowed, Marie." :''(Randy points to where it says "Boys Only" on one of the treehouse walls.)'' :'''Chad:''' "Yeah; didn't you read the sign?" :'''Marie Kiddo:''' "Yep." :''(She notices some comic books of theirs, and picks them up.)'' :'''Marie Kiddo:''' "Tell me about these comic books. Do they bring you joy?" :'''Chad:''' "Yep; they're colorful ''and'' violent." :'''Marie Kiddo:''' "Then we keep the comics." :'''Randy:''' "''O''kay." :''(She puts them down, and then notices the beanbag chairs.)'' :'''Marie Kiddo:''' "How about these old beanbag chairs? Do they spark gladness?" :'''Chad:''' "Spark gladness?" :'''Randy:''' "You mean, does Chad fart in them?" :'''Chad:''' "Randy!" :'''Randy:''' "Hey, you spark '''somethin'''' in them all the time." :'''Marie Kiddo:''' "In that case, we thank you, beanbag chairs, and we give a little giggle." :''(She giggles mischievously.)'' :'''Marie Kiddo:''' "DESTROOOOY!" :''(She makes three long steel claws, similar to those of Wolverine from ''X-Men'', emerge from each of her hands, and she uses these claws to destroy the beanbag chairs.)'' :'''Chad:''' "Marie! I ''sit'' in those!" :'''Marie Kiddo:''' "THAT'S NOT WHAT I HEARD!" :''(short pause)'' :'''Marie Kiddo:''' "And we're calm." <hr width=50%/> :'''Positive Poppi:''' "Hi! I'm Positive Poppi. Today's inspirational quote to keep in mind is, 'Life is a gift'." :''(A giant present, wrapped in yellow wrapping paper with red flowers and tied with green ribbon, falls on her; only her feet are now visible.)'' :'''Positive Poppi:''' "Stay positive!" ===[[:Gabrielle Nevaeh Green|Gabrielle Nevaeh Green]]=== :'''Alisha:''' ''(to a customer at Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee)'' "Good morning! I'm Alisha, your barista. Welcome to Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee! Would you like to taste-test our new espresso?" :''(Alisha takes a sip of the espresso, then discards the cup.)'' :'''Alisha:''' "YOLO! Ever been to Yolo County in California? It's a real place!" :''(She runs over to a map of the lower 48 states, and points out Yolo County, California.)'' :'''Alisha:''' "''See''?" :'''Customer ''(Reece Caddell)'':''' "It is way too early for whatever is happening right now." :'''Alisha:''' "Early bird gets the worm! Do you know some people refer to the worm as the caterpillar? The dance, not the animal. Can you do the worm? I can." :''(She gets down on the floor and does the worm.)'' :'''Customer:''' "I--can I just have an iced coffee?" :'''Alisha:''' "Sure!" :''(Alisha goes back behind the counter.)'' :'''Alisha:''' "Would you like that teeny tiny, medium, medium plus, biggie small, or a super duper?" :''(She places a super duper-sized display cup on the counter.)'' :'''Customer:''' "''That's'' way too big." :'''Alisha:''' "Okay, too big!" :''(She discards the super duper-sized cup.)'' :'''Alisha:''' ''(discarding the teeny tiny-sized display cup)'' "Too small!" :'''Alisha:''' ''(taking a sip from her own medium-sized cup of coffee)'' "Ah, just right! Did you know Goldilocks originally had silver hair? Guess it was really someone's Grandma sneaking into that bears' house. My Grandma's name is Carrie; what's yours?" :'''Customer:''' "Can I just have a coff--" :'''Alisha:''' "Is it Geraldine?" :'''Customer:''' "A coffee with--" :'''Alisha:''' "Ruby?" :'''Customer:''' "''No''!" :'''Alisha:''' "Lucille?" :'''Customer:''' "You know what? Forget it; I'm awake!" :'''Alisha:''' "Thanks for waking up at Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee!" :''(The customer smiles sarcastically, and then she leaves.)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Customer ''(Godfrey)'':''' "Good morning." :'''Alisha:''' "Good morning; welcome to Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee...Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee! Coffee! Coffee!" ===[[:Nathan Janak|Nathan Janak]]=== :''(As himself, he hosts the sketch ''Cancelled With Nathan''.)'' •"Welcome to...''Cancelled'', ''With Nathan''. I am here to tell you what is now ''officially'' cancelled, and ''why''. Up next we have people just saying 'kay' instead of 'okay'. Yes, 'kay' is...''cancelled''! No, I am not cancelling the ''letter'' 'K'. It can stay. I need to spell words like 'kangaroo'...and 'kazoo'. And 'knight', even though it ''is'' silent. But replying with 'kay' instead of 'okay' is ''not okay''. I texted my friend Jeremy a question. I asked, 'Hey, Jeremy, when you're done with that scooter, can you let me know, because ''I'' want to use it next?'. And he replied with...'kay'. Have you ever heard anything more rude in your whole life?! What, am I not worth the 'O'?! I was under the impression that we were ''friends''. What kind of friend is ''too'' lazy to reply back with ''two syllables''?! I got him the ''exact'' limited edition skateboard that he wanted for his birthday. And in return, ''I'' can't even get ''two letters''?! Phew! Well, guess what, Jeremy. Maybe ''I'm'' too lazy to say all of ''''Jeremy'''' now. So from ''now'' on, you're Jer...''kay''?" •"Hi; welcome to...''Cancelled'', ''With Nathan''. I'm here to tell you what is now ''officially'' cancelled and ''why''. Up next, we have the emoji that looks, like, this: 😜. Yes, the emoji with one eye closed and its tongue out is now...''cancelled''! I tried to text my friend Katherine a question. I said, 'How do you think you did on the science test today?'. And her reply...was this: 😜. What does that even ''mean''?! Never, in my life have ''I asked'' somebody a question, and ''that'' was my reply. If a waiter came up to me and asked me, 'How was your meal?', and my reply was '😜', I would think I was ''crazy'', and he ''wouldn't'' be wrong! I still have ''no idea'' how Katherine feels about the science test today, so for ''that'' reason, the emoji with ''one eye closed'' and its tongue out, is now...CANCELLED! Whoo!" ===[[:Lex Lumpkin|Lex Lumpkin]]=== :'''Long Coat:''' "All right! We've assembled some of the toughest, most ruthless villains in all of Cityville. Robo Arms! Rocket Shoes! And Hot Breath! The first place we hit is the bank, and with all of us, Hero Boy won't be able to stop us!" :'''Robo Arms ''(Chinguun Sergelen)'':''' "If Hero Boy comes ''anywhere near'' us, I'll destroy him by launching a truck at him with the sheer force of my arms!" :'''All:''' "YEAH!" :'''Rocket Shoes ''(Green)'':''' "If I see him, I will ''blast'' into him full speed with the immense power of my rockets!" :'''All:''' "YEAH!" :'''Hot Breath ''(Godfrey)'':''' "And I'll breathe a gaping hole into the ground until Hero Boy falls to him doom!" :'''All:''' "YEAH!" :'''Long Coat:''' "And I'll have this...very long coat. Now, when we ''first'' get in the bank, I..." :''(Robo Arms raises his right hand.)'' :'''Long Coat:''' "What is it, Robo Arms?" :'''Robo Arms:''' "Am I the only one who feels like...the coat really isn't that helpful? I mean, we all explained what we would do in full detail, but--" :'''Long Coat:''' "Bad guys always wear long coats. It's scary." ===[[:Chinguun Sergelen|Chinguun Sergelen]]=== :'''Benny ''(Sergelen)'':''' "Hey, it's ''Unboxing With Benny'', the show where I open boxes and show you guys what's inside. And I'm ''very'' excited about ''this'' one, guys. ''This'' is the new Funtendo 64 gaming system. Oh, you've never heard of it? That's because it doesn't come out for another ''year''! Lucky for you, I'm famous, so they sent me one. Let the unboxing begin!" :''(Benny tries in vain to open his package.)'' :'''Benny:''' "Mmm, sturdy packaging...this is a little harder to open than I thought. BRB." :''(Cut to him holding a pair of heavy-duty scissors.)'' :'''Benny:''' "Trust me, you guys are gonna ''freak'' when you see what's in this box..." :'''Announcer:''' "FREAK!" :''(Benny tries to cut the box open, but the scissors break.)'' :'''Benny:''' "...just as soon as I can get it open. Trust me, you will freak." :'''Announcer:''' "FREAK!" :''(Benny calls Funtendo Customer Support, and talks to an agent.)''' :'''Funtendo Customer Support agent ''(on the phone)'':''' "Funtendo Customer Support. If you need help, say 'help'". :'''Benny:''' "Help!" :'''Funtendo Customer Support agent:''' "Did you say...'applesauce'?" :'''Benny:''' "Applesauce?! ''Why'' would I say 'applesauce'?!" :'''Funtendo Customer Support agent:''' "Transferring you to...applesauce." ===[[:Reece Caddell|Reece Caddell]]=== :''(In this season, she is the host of ''Vital Information''.)'' :"Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Beans make the farts go longer." <hr width=50%/> :"Out of sight, out of mind? Out of money, out of ''ice cream''; you know what I'm ''saying''." <hr width=50%/> :"If you're in a pickle...get outta that pickle, man; ''come on''!" <hr width=50%/> :"Open the window and the air in...unless ''Aaron'' is a ''jewel thief''." <hr width=50%/> :"If a train is traveling from Chicago to New York at 130 miles an hour, and the train leaves at 8:35 in the morning...you should ''fly''. It's ''way'' faster." <hr width=50%/> :"If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Unless they are eggs. Never join ''eggs''. ''Trust'' me." <hr width=50%/> :"You shouldn't judge a book by its cover. You also shouldn't cover your book with peanut butter, and run around school, saying, 'Don't be ''jelly''...'." ===[[:Ryan Alessi|Ryan Alessi]]=== :'''Other character ''(Caddell)'':''' "O, M, G. I heard ''Scary Basement IV'' is so much scarier than the first three." :'''Other character ''(Aria Brooks)'':''' "I heard the first ten seconds are the scariest ten seconds in cinema history. #ScaryBasementIVChallenge." :''(She shrieks in delight.)'' :'''Other character ''(Caddell)'':''' "Can't wait!" :'''T@$#le!gh:''' "''Soooo'' scared! O. M. G.; tag me in that. It's T@$#le!gh. T-at sign-dollar sign-hashtag-L-E-exclamation point-G-''H''." :'''Other character ''(Aria Brooks)'':''' "Guys...don't look, it's Tevin; O..." :'''Other character ''(Caddell)'':''' "...M..." :'''T@$#le!gh:''' "...G!" :'''Tevin ''(Godfrey)'':''' "Bro, bro, I'm ''so'' gonna make it through the first ten seconds, no prob." :'''Other character ''(Lumpkin)'':''' "Dude, I don't know. Trad saw ''Scary Basement'' and his whole family had to move to a house ''without'' a basement." :'''Other character ''(Janak)'':''' "Bro, I am so stoked; I am not even scared ''at all''." :'''Tevin:''' "''At all'', bro." :'''Other character ''(Lumpkin)'':''' "Bro!" :'''Other character ''(Janak)'':''' "Bro!" :''(All three fist-bump.)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "It's time for the world's easiest game show, ''Simplicity''! And here's your host, Dell Devine!" :'''Dell Devine ''(Alessi)'':''' "Welcome to ''Simplicity'', the simplest game show in the whole world. Let's meet our contestants for today. From East Dakota, Linda Schnutzenberger." :'''Linda Schnutzenberger ''(Caddell)'':''' "Hi!" :'''Dell Devine:''' "And from Dallas, Canada...Larry Van Halen!" :'''Larry Van Halen ''(Sergelen)'':''' "Whuh-''sup''?" :'''Dell Devine:''' "Let's play ''Simplicity''. The rules are simple. I'll ask a question. If you know the answer, press one green button and two red ones. If you ''don't'' know the answer, pull the lever and honk the horn. But if you hear ''this'' sound..." :''(The buzzer sounds.)'' :'''Dell Devine:''' "...push a blue button, wait three seconds, then twist the purple knob. Whatever you do, ''do not touch the kazoo''. Everybody ready?" :'''Linda Schnutzenberger:''' "''Ready''..." :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "''NOOOO''..." :'''Dell Devine:''' "First question. What sport is played with a basketball?" :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "Basketball!" :'''Dell Devine:''' "That is correct!" :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "''Yes''!" :'''Dell Devine:''' "''But'' you forgot to ring a bell." :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "What ''bell''?" :''(The buzzer sounds.)'' :'''Linda Schnutzenberger:''' "Basketball." :'''Dell Devine:''' "Correct! Linda wins Round 1!" :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "But, she didn't ring a bell." :'''Dell Devine:''' "''Yes'', Larry. That's because after one contestant answers incorrectly, the other contestant can answer ''if'' they're eating a 12-foot party sub." :''(Linda is revealed to be doing this.)'' :'''Dell Devine:''' "And now, it's time for Round 6!" :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "Wha--Round ''6''? Can we go over the rules again?" :'''Dell Devine:''' "''No''...next question. How many eggs are in a dozen?" :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "Twelve." :''(A fisherman enters, and hits Larry with a large-mouthed spotted bass.)'' :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "Hey! What was ''that''?!" :'''Dell Devine:''' "You got the answer wrong. So you got slapped in the face with a large-mouthed spotted bass!" :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "But...a dozen ''is'' twelve." :'''Dell Devine:''' "''But'', in Round 6, all the answers are supposed to be ''divided'' by six, so the correct answer is two. Linda?" :'''Linda Schnutzenberger:''' "Nine." :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "You're gonna get slapped with a fish--" :''(The fisherman returns, and again hits Larry with the fish.)'' :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "Why ''me''?! The right answer was ''two''!" :'''Dell Devine:''' "''That's'' because ''you'' are in Round ''6''. ''Linda'' is in Round ''3''. The rules are pretty clear, Larry." :'''Linda Schnutzenberger:''' ''(to Larry)'' "What are you ''not'' understanding?" :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "A ''lot''!" ===[[:Aria Brooks|Aria Brooks]]=== :'''Lt. Uhlot:''' ''(an extraterrestrial, of Star Crew)'' "Well...Officer 'Smart'...the Klorgons are still here, and they're still mad!" :'''Klorgon leader ''(Caddell)'':''' "''And'' covered in various ''teas''." :''(Officer Smart [Janak] miscalculated that dousing the hostile Klorgon extraterrestrials with iced tea would be sufficient to defeat them.)'' <hr width=50%h/> :''(All of Officer Smart's calculations have proven inaccurate.)'' :'''Lt. Uhlot:''' "Enough! No more of your ''stupid calculations''! Because according to ''my'' calculations, ''you have yet to be right''!" ===[[:Other|Other]]=== :''(Singer Gabriella Sarmiento Wilson, known professionally as H. E. R. [Having Everything Revealed], is the musical guest for this episode; she is at Good Burger, and she has given Ed her order.)'' :'''Ed ''(Kel Mitchell)'':''' "What's the name on the order?" :'''H. E. R.:''' "H. E. R.." :'''Ed:''' "Oh, you...you want it in ''her'' name?" :''(He points to another woman who is eating at Good Burger.)'' :'''H. E. R.:''' "No, no. ''I'm'' H. E. R.." :'''Ed:''' "Oh, okay; well, if you're ''her'', then who is ''she''?" :'''H. E. R.:''' "I don't ''know'' who she is. Listen carefully, okay? My name...is ''H. E. R.''. ''H. E. R.'' is ''me''." :'''Ed:''' "I thought ''I'' was me. And I thought you were ''her''." :'''H. E. R.:''' "She ''is'' her." :'''Ed:''' "Oh. Okay; then, who am ''I''?" :'''H. E. R.:''' "Can we just stop trying to figure out who everybody else is, please?" :'''Ed:''' "No, no, no, no; I think I got it. Okay. You're ''you'', she's ''her'', and you're ''also'' her. All right, but she's not ''you''. Okay? And then ''I'm'' not her, because I'm me. But...sometimes, I'm you. All right? So, she's not me...okay...and she's not ''you'', and she's not ''her'', and I don't know who the heck ''that'' is." :''(He points to another man at Good Burger.)'' ==External links== {{wikipedia}} *{{imdb title|id=0111875|title=All That}} [[Category:Nickelodeon shows]] [[Category:American TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] ffge3vgt8o7fajrc7e2ynn4xtsxxl90 3158010 3158009 2022-08-25T23:49:56Z 2601:19B:700:8C0:7021:872:FB64:7607 /* Lori Beth Denberg */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''{{w|All That}}''''' (1994-2000, 2002-05, 2019-20) is an American sketch comedy television series created by Brian Robbins and Mike Tollin for Nickelodeon. {{tv-cleanup|2007-02-11}} {{unreferenced|article about a serial production}} ==First Run (seasons 1-6)== ===[[w:Josh Server|Josh Server]]=== :'''Himself ''[after getting amnesia due to a concussion from a falling spotlight]'':''' "My name is Lord Swaynesborough of Fontcastle." <hr width=50%/> :''[Detective Dan has just entered a classroom at Dullmont Jr. High School, thinking that it was a bank being robbed.]'' :'''Detective Dan:''' "I'm Detective Dan! Everybody up against the wall, and nobody move!" :'''Student ''[Bynes]'':''' "Um...Detective Dan...how are we supposed to get up against the wall ''without moving''?" :'''Detective Dan:''' "I'm Detective Dan." :'''Student ''[Bynes]'':''' "That explains nothing." <hr width=50%/> :'''Detective Dan:''' "Hello, Pizza Shack? I'd like a large pepperoni pizza with no pepperonis." <hr width=50%/> :'''Detective Dan:''' "Wait a minute! Where was ''I'' when this robbery was takin' place? Hmmmm...''boys''! Beat me, and then push me so I go flyin' out the window!" :''(The officers [Knowings and Tamberelli] accompanying Detective Dan do as he says.)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Bernie:''' "My name is Bernie Kibbitz. AND I NEED PANTS!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry Futile ''[the host of ''You Can't Win!'']'':''' "How many shoes?....Ooooo, ''wrong''! The answer was nine. Nine shoes." <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry Futile:''' "YOU...CAN'T...WIN!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry Futile:''' "True...or false? Oooo, ''wrong''! The correct answer is, that one was 'googly-googly-wick-wick-wick-wick'." <hr width=50%/> :'''Emily Maroon:''' "Wall...wall hit face. It hurt." <hr width=50%/> :'''Toby Braun:''' "I give you...The Board!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Toby Braun:''' "Forget that bicycle! Forget that treadmill! Forget that thing I was tryin' to sell you last week! The Board is the only piece of fitness equipment you and your loved ones will ever need!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Toby Braun:''' "Check the pulse...irregular; good!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Toby Braun:''' "With The Brute, you don't need a telephone!" :''(The Brute [guest star Ron Lester] destroys the telephone.)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''The Brute:''' "I like flowers." :'''Toby Braun:''' "ME, TOO!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Walter the Earboy:''' "WAIT A MINUTE! I know a guy who has huge ears like mine and everybody likes him! He'll tell me what I should do!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Superdude ''[Thompson]'':''' "Well, if it isn't Milk Man!" :'''Milk Man:''' "'Udderly' correct...Superdude! Hope my little visit doesn't ''sour'' your day!" :'''Superdude:''' "That's putting it mildly! Last time I saw you, you were rotting in prison!" :'''Milk Man:''' "And I have ''you'' to thank for ''putting'' me there! I hate when someone ''spoils'' my fun!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Jimmy Bond:''' "Wow, that is some penny!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Julio ''[Miss Piddlin's assistant]'':''' "Miss Piddlin? Here--here's more peas. Isn't that a lovely thing, more peas? I was just gonna set 'em down very slowly..." <hr width=50%/> :'''Tandy Spork:''' "Chocolate? Randy, once you've tasted the magical freshness of carrots, asparagus, broccoli, and green beans, you'll find that you won't even ''want'' to eat that nasty, silly chocolate anymore!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Mumbly Spice:''' "Flick in blob, a wig a wang jang blang; I mean, pop music, if it is, puh-tuh, hmmm, I mean cleeto, please, clang, you know." ===[[w:Kenan Thompson|Kenan Thompson]]=== :'''Superdude:''' "I'm Superdude, teenage superhero with powers that amaze the stupid." <hr width=50%/> :'''Superdude:''' "I'm Superdude, the teenage superhero with powers that make women sweat!" :'''Sweaty Woman ''[Denberg]'':''' "It's true!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Superdude:''' "I'm Superdude, the teenage superhero with powers that can make hamsters dance!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Superdude:''' "I'm Superdude, the teenage superhero who's always in the right place at the right time!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Superdude''': ''[usually after his intro]'' "I also enjoy...fluffy stuffed animals, and...soft kisses, and...chatting on the phone long-distance." <hr width=50%/> :'''Nasty Nancy''': "You'd be nasty, too, iffin' you was a cowboy named...'Nancy'." <hr width=50%/> :'''Mavis:''' "Hey, Clavis, wake up; the show is over." :'''Clavis ''[Mitchell]'':''' "Oh, yeah; kick it!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Piddlin:''' "Miss Piddlin almost let her bad temper and delicate mental conditions get the better of her!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Piddlin:''' "Taste the peas! C'mon, little angel! Tell Miss Piddlin whatcha think of the peas!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Piddlin:''' "Careful, Miss Piddlin, don't lose your pea cool." <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Piddlin:''' "JULIO!!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Piddlin:''' "Well, if you don't wanna eat peas, don't eat nothin' at all!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Piddlin:''' "Miss Piddlin is back--with her special salad. I like to call it...peas!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Spice Cube ''[formerly Burt Spice]'':''' ''[rapping]'' "''Fuzzy little bunny, all cute and sweet; cuddly little rabbit, come play with me! Your ears are floppy, and your whiskers, they bend! You're so cute and fuzzy; won't you be my friend? Booooy!''" <hr width=50%/> :'''Spice Boys fan ''[Leon Frierson]'':''' "Will you guys sign my Spice Boy dolls for me? I got 'em all; they're so cool!" :'''Spice Cube:''' "Oh, look how adorable your cute little dolls are! Of course we can sign your dolls...I mean, uh, they--they look real tough, ya know what I'm sayin'? Punks? Punks!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Other character ''[Saul]'':''' "Yeah, my question is for ''Burt'' Spice. Um, Burt...what's with your name?" :'''Burt Spice:''' "What do--what do you mean?" :'''Other character ''[Saul]'':''' "Well, you know, uh, Hairy Spice is hairy, and Dead Spice is, well, not living." :''(Dead Spice is a skeleton.)'' :'''Other character ''[Saul]'':''' "You're just ''Burt'' Spice; now, don't you think that's kinda lame?" :'''Burt Spice:''' "Well, uh...no; the Spice Boys, we're all about music and boy power and friction. Trust me, nobody cares about my ''name''." <hr width=50%/> :''[Ishboo is a phony foreign exchange student.]'' :'''Other character ''[Denberg]'':''' "Ishboo...where ''are'' you ''from''?" :'''Ishboo:''' "Thank you for asking!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Ishboo:''' ''[to the security guard]'' "Look at my swinging jewel. When I snap my fingers you will leave quietly." ''(Security guard falls asleep.)'' :'''Ishboo''': "Oh, well; close enough." <hr width=50%/> :'''Ishboo:''' ''(to Dr. Prober [Mitchell])'' "Look at my swinging jewel. When I snap my fingers you will put the needle down and walk out the door." :''(Dr. Prober slams the needle down, sits on it, and yells, slamming everything down and running out of the door.)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Ishboo:''' "In my foreign land, it is only proper that the guests sleep in the bed, and that ''you'' sleep on the ''floor''!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Kay ''[Bates]'':''' ''[She and Ishboo are on a date, and she has just watched him dance]'' "Oh, Ishboo, where did you learn to dance like that? In your foreign land?" :'''Ishboo:''' "Yes; when I was a small Ishboo, I accidentally sat on a hot stove. The excruciating butt pain taught me how to wiggle myself!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Bill Cosby:''' "Eat at least one gallon of yellow pudding every day." <hr width=50%/> :''(As a result of Angelique Bates's departure from ''All That'', Mandy is no longer on the ''Cooking With Randy & Mandy'' sketch.) :'''Randy:''' "Well, we all know how much Mandy loved chocolate. Unfortunately, during a recent chocolatey-wild weekend, Mandy lost her mind and consumed 479 pounds of pure milk chocolate. Last I heard, Mandy was locked away in a chocolate rehabilitation facility. We wish her well." <hr width=50%/> :'''Randy:''' ''[after tasting his dish, 'Burrito Surprise'--a chocolate-covered burrito]'' "That makes me wanna sing!" ''[singing to the tune of 'La Cucaracha']'' "''La chocolata, la chocolata''...all right! Now, the next dish that I have prepared for you is called 'chocolate on top of chocolate, smothered in chocolate'." <hr width=50%/> :'''Antoine:''' "What it is." <hr width=50%/> :'''Bradley the Big Ol' Baby:''' "Three pounds of applesauce. Bradley want three pounds of applesauce." <hr width=50%/> :'''Milton Querie ''[host of Family Vs. Family]'':''' "Now, our categories are...movies...famous forks...trousers...and things that go 'moo'." <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry Futile:''' "Question number 5...blippity-blippity-booty-loo, blippity-blippity-moo." :'''Antoine:''' "Wait, did you just say 'blippity-blippity-booty-loo, blippity-blippity-moo'?" :'''Jerry Futile:''' "That is correct; now, what is your answer?" :'''Antoine:''' "Uh...meatloaf?" :'''Megan ''[Bynes]'':''' "74!" :'''Shelley ''[Reyes]'':''' "Is it a...kangaroo?" :''[The buzzer sounds.]'' :'''Jerry Futile:''' "Ooooo, WRONG! I'm sorry; the answer was 'meatloaf.'" :'''Antoine:''' "But, I ''said'' 'meatloaf'! Didn't y'all hear Antoine say 'meatloaf'?!" :'''Shelley:''' "Yup, he said 'meatloaf'." :'''Jerry Futile:''' "But, I didn't hear him. Sorry." <hr width=50%/> :'''Coldfinger:''' "Look at my finger! It is ''so'' cold! Feel it! C'mon, feel how cold it is!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Principal Pimpell:''' "As principal of Dullmont Junior High School, Principal William...Baines...Pimpell!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Principal Pimpell''': ''[while teaching the "gifted" class]'' "Now, these little black 'squiggles' are symbols called 'letters'. Now, now, together, these letters form visual representations of ''words'', like, for example, let me see...'coconut'! 'Coconut' is a word. Can anybody say, 'coconut'?" :'''Student ''[Denberg]'':''' "C-C-C-''scissors''?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Principal Pimpell:''' ''[singing to the tune of ''Dry Bones'']'' "''The finger bone's connected to the...shin bone! The shin bone's connected to the...brain bone!"'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Officer Ulcer ''[of the U. S. S. Spaceship]'':''' "Aw! ''Nobody'' stops ''my'' engines cold!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Lester Oaks, Construction Worker:''' "My name is Lester Oaks, Construction Worker!" <hr width=50%/> :''[appeared in the All That Tenth Anniversary Special Good Burger sketch]'' :'''Lester Oaks, Construction Worker''': Crunch bunny! ====Everyday French With Pierre Escargot==== :''[Each of these is the "translation" of a French phrase.]'' *There are small children in my nose. *May I blow my nose in your sandwich? *I want to shave your back. *My father's name is Stephanie. *You look like Stephanie, but you smell like Robert. *I'm sorry; I thought that was ''my'' pocket. *What time is it, and why do you smell like cheese? *Why is your butt talking? *''(after speaking an unusually long French phrase in which he mentions actor/singer Patrick Swayze [1952-2009])'' How are you? *Hey! Who put that bacon fat on my toilet seat? *Who are you, and why are you wearing my Daddy's panties? *I'm from Minnesota, and my name is ''Winnifred''! *Thanks for buttering my squirrel. *I thought you said this was pudding! *Who broke the pickle pump? *Kiss me! Squeeze me! Call me "Mrs. Beasley"! *Oh no! The babysitter exploded! *Monkeys are tickling my tummy. *May I take a nap in your nose? *I have not showered in 36 days! *Kiss me under the baloney tree! *Take those pork chops out of your brassiere! *Hey! Stop licking my kangaroo! *I enjoyed meeting your sister in prison! *I'm a pretty little girl. *May I pop my pimple on your lasagna? *Excuse me! I am not a drinking fountain! *Wow! How did you get an onion in there? *Pardon me, but this tissue has already been used. *Thanks for the lovely used tissue! *Please remove your banjo from my belly button. *Oh, no! The macaroni is infected! *I told you I had gas. *Merry Christmas! May I get you a cup of hot fat? *That's not an elf, that's my grandmother! *Hey! Look what the reindeer left on my roof! *That's not bubblegum! That's Porkboy the Breakfast Monkey! *Keep your hands off my chicken nuggets! *Mmmm! This men's room smells wonderful. *Who said you could live in my toilet? *Your grandfather looks pretty in that wedding dress. *This looks like mustard, but it tastes like ''you''! *Oh, no! It shrunk! *Where is the library and why is your nose filled with ointment? *Your wallpaper is making my eyebrows explode. *You look different. Did you brush your nose hair? *Don't cry. It's only a rectangle. ===[[w:Kel Mitchell|Kel Mitchell]]=== :'''Ed:''' "Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger; can I take your order?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Ed:''' "Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Is there anything in my nose?" :'''Customer ''[guest star Tracy Lynn Sullivan]'':''' "I don't ''know''." :''(She leaves in disgust.)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Ed:''' ''[singing]'' "''I'm a dude, he's a dude, she's a dude, 'cause we're all dudes, hey!''" <hr width=50%/> :'''Ed:''' "Uhhh...no?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Ed:''' "That'll be eight bucks." <hr width=50%/> :'''Customer ''[Server]'':''' "Hi, I'd like a Good Punch." :'''Ed:''' "Okay." ''[Ed punches the customer in the face, KO-ing him.]'' :''[The customer awakens a few minutes later.]'' :'''Customer:''' "Why did you hit me? All I did was ask for a Good Punch!" ''[Ed knocks him out again.]'' :''[The customer wakes up again.]'' :'''Customer:''' "Okay, I think I've got it now. I keep asking for a Good Punch, and you keep hitting me repeatedly, with that in mind. I would like to order one Good ''Soda''. That is S-O-...D-A...soda." :'''Ed:''' "One Good Soda." :'''Customer:''' "Right." ''[Ed punches him out again.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Pizzaface:''' "Hey! Don't bag on Walter like that!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Pizzaface:''' "I'm Pizzaface...Walter's friend." <hr width=50%/> :'''Okrah:''' "Today on the Okrah show, you'll be entertained by other people's tragic lives." <hr width=50%/> :'''Lump Maroon:''' ''[only dialogue]'' "Jupiterrrrrrrrr!" <hr width=50%/> :''(Lump and his brother Emily and sister Chuck [Reyes] have knocked down their neighbor [Thompson], who has returned Emily's missing trousers.)'' :'''Emily Maroon:''' "We knocked down Grandma!" :'''Neighbor:''' "Look! I ain't your Grandma! All right?! I'm not related to you Maroons in any way!" :'''Lump Maroon''': "Jupiter." :'''Neighbor:''' ''[pointing to Lump]'' "Especially ''him''!" <hr width=50%/> :''(Mavis [Thompson] and Clavis [Mitchell] are sitting in the audience, while laughing at one of Bynes's and Server's "Squash Boy" sketches.)'' :'''Clavis:''' "Ya hear that, Mavis? They're callin' for somebody named 'SQUASH BOY'!" :'''Mavis:''' "Yeah...''that's'' funny! Never heard of a boy...made entirely outta squash...''before''!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Baggin' Saggin' Barry ''[Thompson]'':''' "I thought I had the biggest, baggiest pants in the world...then I met Baggin' Saggin' ''Mary''." :''(Earlier, the other students at Dullmont Jr. High School had asked Baggin' Saggin' Barry and Baggin' Saggin' Mary [Reyes] to pull various objects out of their pants; one of the things was a white TV set with red polka-dots. Mary also had a remote control, but Barry didn't. Before that, one of the students [Denberg] had requested pumpkin juice, and Barry had only a pumpkin to give her. Mary, however, ''did'' have a can of pumpkin juice, and she was sure that her trousers could hold more things than his could.)'' :'''Clavis:''' "You've been blessed with magic trousers. Use your gift. You just gotta reach deep down in your pants...and pull out things you never knew you had. Reach down deep." <hr width=50%/> :'''Coach Kreeton:''' "Oh, the life I live is sad!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Coach Kreeton:''' "No...no...NO! ''Don't dance like a buncha crazy dancin' people''! This is ''volleyball'', not one of them rock'n'roll videos with the...hoodlum music!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Coach Kreeton:''' "Aww, my happiness is a memory!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Coach Kreeton:''' "Hehe! Hehe! Hehe! Goooood..." <hr width=50%/> :'''Coach Kreeton:''' "Why must you upset me in ways I can't understand?!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Coach Kreeton:''' "I demand to see your hall, pass, ticket, slip!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Coach Kreeton:''' "All right; now, tell me what's in your book...pack...bag...sack!" <hr width=50%/> :''(Principal Pimpell has called a meeting with Miss Fingerly [Denberg], Tandy Spork [Server], Mr. Treble [Zack McLemore], Coach Kreeton [Mitchell], and Janitor Gaseous [Tamberelli], to find someone to fill in as principal of Dullmont Jr. High School for him while he is away, having his pimple removed.)'' :'''Coach Kreeton:''' "Oh, yeah; celebrate! Celebrate! It's about ''time'' ya popped that pimple! Oh, every time I look at it, it makes me think of the ''Moon''! Oh, I'm so happy! The only thing worser than that ol' crazy-lookin' pimple...is my sad...miserable life." <hr width=50%/> :'''Butter Boy:''' "Superdude, why don't you rub up against me?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Alan:''' "Welcome to Cereal Critics, with Alan and Allen. I'm Alan, A-L-A-N." :'''Allen ''[Server]'':''' "And I'm Allen, A-double L-E-N." :'''Alan:''' "This morning, we're talking about...what else?" :'''Both ''[in unison]'':''' "CEREAL!" :'''Alan:''' "The first cereal on our list is...Lucky Germs. I think we have a clue. Let's take a look." :''[A video of them eating Lucky Germs cereal is shown.] :'''Allen:''' "I found Lucky Germs good-tasting and fun; even ''whimsical'', if you will." :'''Alan:''' "I ''won't''. I started out skeptical because of their scary jingle...♪''Frosted Lucky Germs'', ''they're tragically contagious''♪...what's with that?" :'''Allen:''' "Heh-''lo'', the jingle's a joke. If I lent you five bucks, would you ''buy'' yourself a sense of humor?" :'''Alan:''' "No, but I'd buy some...''antacid''. I'm still gassy." :'''Allen:''' "Thank you, Mr. Cranky Colon. Well, anyway, I say, 'spoons up'." :'''Alan:''' ''[makes a buzzer noise]'' "The correct response is, 'spoons down'." <hr width=50%/> :''[Repairman has just dropped through the ceiling, making a mess.]'' :'''[Other character]:''' "What was that?" :'''Repairman:''' "That was me! I'm...Repairmanman-man-man-man-man!" :'''[Other character]:''' "What's with the echo?" :'''Repairman:''' "Echo my butt!" <hr width=50%/> :'''[Other character]:''' "What's with the echo?" :'''Repairman:''' "Echo schmecho!" <hr width=50%/> :'''[Other character]:''' "What's with the echo?" :'''Repairman:''' "Go away!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Repairman:''' ''[noticing that a family's lamp is flickering]'' "Looks like lamp trouble; I can fix that for ya jiffy-quick!" :'''Father ''[Kevin Kopelow]'':''' "Please don't repair it." :'''Repairman:''' "But I must; I'm...Repairman-man-man-man-man-man!" :'''Mother ''[Denberg]'':''' "He's being very gentle." :''[Repairman "repairs" the lamp.]'' :'''Older daughter ''[Reyes]'':''' "Daddy! What is he ''doing''?!" :'''Repairman:''' "That lamp won't be giving you any more trouble; I repaired it!" :'''Father:''' "No. No, you didn't. You killed it." :'''Younger daughter ''[Johnson]'':''' "You squashed our helpless lamp!" :'''Repairman:''' "It was nothing!" :'''Mother:''' "It was horrible! You're a ''bad'' repairman!" :''[The rest of the family stares at her.]'' :'''Mother:''' "...-man-man-man-man-''man''!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Commander Feeble ''[Server]'':''' ''[of Repairman's "repairs" to the U. S. S. Inferior space shuttle]'' "LET'S GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE HE REPAIRS US ALL!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Kay:''' "All right, all right, it's the one, it's the only, but never lonely, Diggy-Diggy-Dr. Kay! Hey, if you parents out there have any questions about your kids, make my telephone dance; let's go! Say 'Hey', to Diggy-Diggy-Dr. Kay!" :'''Man on the phone:''' "Hey, uh, hey, Dr. Kay, listen, uh, I have a 9-year-old son, and, well, he keeps puttin' on his sister's clothes. What do I do?" :'''Dr. Kay:''' "Uh, puts on his sister's clothes. Uh, what's the name?" :'''Man on the phone:''' "Steven." :'''Dr. Kay:''' "Tell me, does Steven look good in a dress?" :'''Man on the phone:''' "Yes, he does." :'''Dr. Kay:''' "A 9-year-old son, wears his sister's clothes...Dr. Kay's advice; call the boy 'Stephanie'! Problem solved!" :''[He rings his gong with his slingshot.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Prober:''' ''[during Ishboo's checkup]'' "Let me just check your ears. That's all right." :''[He checks Ishboo's left ear, and sees Ren and Stimpy, from ''The Ren & Stimpy Show''; they are screaming while blasting off into outer space.]'' :'''Dr. Prober:''' "Oh! Let me check the other one." :'''Ishboo:''' "Okey-dokey." :''[He checks Ishboo's right ear, and sees a polar bear.]'' <hr width=50%/> :''(A boy named Jake Feta has just used a "cheese fizz", and has thus been arrested by the Cheese Police.)'' :'''Jake Feta ''[Thompson]'':''' ''[to Officer Jack Colby, of the Cheese Police]'' "But you said we were friends!" :'''Officer Jack Colby:''' "Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I once said I was Dorothy from ''The Wizard Of Oz''. But ya don't see Toto...do ya?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Officer Jack Colby:''' "Man. If it isn't one cheese, it's another other! It's another other! I'm...on my way!" ===[[w:Lori Beth Denberg|Lori Beth Denberg]]=== :'''Herself ''[on Vital Information]'': *"If your face looks like a fig, and it's your birthday...then happy birthday, fig face!" :''[The audience laughs.]'' :"Thank you." *"Mirror, mirror, on the wall...LOOK AT ME; I'M A PERSON TALKIN' TO A PIECE OF GLASS!" *"If you're lucky enough to have a hammer...please...don't hammer in the mornin'." *"When it rains, it pours. When it snows...it's ''cold''." *"If you're on TV, giving out vital information, and your phone rings...don't answer it." *"It's not...'okay' to eat breakfast cereal out of your underpants." *"If you're on a first date with someone, never stick your finger in their spaghetti, twirl it, and holler, 'Looky, date; I'm makin' s'ghetti circles!'" *"''Twinkle, twinkle, little star; how I wonder''...how in the world that ''song'' ever became so ''popular''." *"There's no ''real reason'' to play basketball naked." *"Never spit on someone and then say, 'That's what spit feels like'." *"If you're drinking apple juice, and it feels warm...odds are, that ain't apple juice." *"If your friend's Mom asks you what you'd like to drink, don't say, 'Oh, nothin'. My mouth's fulla '''spit''''." *"The early bird gets the worm. Fine! I don't ''want'' the worm!" *"''Never'' put underwear on your head, and say to people, 'I'm little Nancy, and this my ''pretty'' new hat'." *"It is better to sit there and ''look'' stupid...than it is to stand up, open your mouth, and announce, 'HEY, I'M ''DEFINITELY'' STUPID!'" <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Fingerly:''' "The classroom is no place to exchange ideas and information!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Fingerly:''' "The classroom is no place for research." <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Fingerly:''' "The classroom is no place for enjoying yourself." <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Fingerly:''' "Good afternoon, students. I trust you all enjoyed lunch. I ''myself'' consumed a ''tasty'' chicken pot pie. Teachers love chicken pie...''cock-a-doodle-pie''!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Loud Librarian:''' "QUIET! THIS IS A LIBRARY!" ''(blows airhorn)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Herself:''' "I want a rhinoceros...carved out of pure gold!"* <hr width=50%/> :'''Santa Claus:''' "So, Lori Beth, have you been a good girl this year?" :'''Lori Beth:''' "Hmmm, no." :'''Santa Claus:''' "Bye-bye!" :'''Lori Beth:''' "Seeya, Santa." <hr width=50%/> :'''Sweaty Woman:''' "You two couldn't be more wrong! It's Superdude!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Fingerly:''' "The classroom is no place for hiney-slappin'!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Loud Librarian:''' "Noisy! I thought I told you no talking! You talk, you walk!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Loud Librarian:''' "SILENCE! QUIET! STIFLE! HUSH! SHHH!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Loud Librarian:''' "SILENCE! NEVER ENTER THIS LIBRARY AGAIN!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Loud Librarian:''' ''[after closing the door and ringing the bell that she has recently put on it]'' "HUSH, BELL! THIS IS A LIBRARY, NOT A RINGAMERRARIUM!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Fingerly:''' "SILENCE! THIS IS A LIBRARY! NOT A SNEEZE HALL!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Loud Librarian:''' "QUIET! THIS IS A LIBRARY! NOT A TALKATORIUM!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Loud Librarian:''' "I SAID 'SHUSH'! CAN'T YOU HEAR MY WORDS?!" :'''Other character ''[Knowings]'':''' "You are not a very good librarian." <hr width=50%/> :'''Loud Librarian:''' "EVERYONE, QUIET! YOU SQUEAK...I FREAK!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Other character [Bynes]:''' "I'm sorry. I thought this was the library--" :'''Loud Librarian:''' "WRONG! THIS IS THE ''LIBRARY'', AND THAT MEANS NO NOISE! WHAT KIND OF LUNATIC ARE YOU?!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Connie Muldoon:''' "I was never ''in'' my car! We Muldoons don't believe in motor vehicles!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Herself:''' ''[singing]'' "''I'm so proud of my new bunny; he wiggles his nose, and eats my honey; he tickles my toes, I tickle his tummy; and that's why I'm so proud. Proud, proud, proud; bunny, bunny, bunny...''" ===[[w:Katrina Johnson|Katrina Johnson]]=== :''(Susie, from a form of the Girl Scouts known as the Little Pansies, who wear pink uniforms, is trying to sell her cookies to a man named Bernie [Mitchell] and his wife [Bates]; she has just climbed in through their window after Bernie rejected her at the front door.)'' :'''Susie:''' "Okay, here is the deal; buy 30 boxes of Fudgy Clots, and I'll knock of 3%!" :''(Each box of Little Pansy cookies costs $5; this would cost $145.50 altogether.)'' :'''Bernie:''' "What do you think you're doin'?" :'''Susie:''' "Selling Little Pansy cookies! Haven't I made that clear?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Bernie's wife:''' "Times sure have changed; when I was young, we were never pushy Pansies." <hr width=50%/> :'''Susie:''' "Did I mention that Lulu Creams are made with real synthetic nougat?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Ross Perot:''' Did you know I'm freakishly rich? I mean, I got over $4 billion. <hr width=50%/> :'''Perot:''' ''[looks hungrily at Pizzaface]'' How can I concentrate with that dee-licious pizza starin' at me? <hr width=50%/> :'''Perot:''' Look at me, I'm in a bathtub full of money. I'm a sawed-off freak, takin' a $4 billion jacuzzi! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dorothy:''' What about me, Mr. Cosby? What about my shower? :'''Cosby ''[Thompson]'':''' Well, you see, Dorothy, a shower is like a box of peanuts that you sit on with your wife Camille. And the grapefruit, and the avocados, and the little children running around in the neighborhood. Purty, purty, purty. Purty, purty, purty. And then, your big toe swells up in your underpants. <hr width=50%/> :'''Lemonade Scammer:''' ''[after giving a customer free but spicy peanuts]'' "Those peanuts were soaked overnight in jalapeño pepper juice. I call 'em 'jalapeanuts'. Is that cute, or what?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Lemonade Scammer:''' ''[to a customer]'' "Thirsty?" :'''Customer ''[Server]'':''' "Lemonade, please." :'''Lemonade Scammer:''' "Five bucks." :'''Customer:''' "Five bucks? That's a lot of money." :'''Lemonade Scammer:''' "Well, you seem a lot of thirsty." <hr width=50%/> :'''Lemonade Scammer:''' ''[crying, while holding an audience member's puppy]'' "My Mom said, if I don't sell enough lemonade, she'll sell my puppy!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Lemonade Scammer:''' ''[crying]'' "I went to all the trouble to find your golf ball, and you won't even buy any lemonade!" <hr width=50%/> :''[someone has asked about lactose-intolerant; Johnson's character appears from inside of a grocery display]'' :'''Sally:''' Superdude is lactose-intolerant. That means he can be harmed by dairy products. :'''Woman:''' You mean like ham? :'''Sally:''' No. Ham is meat. Dairy products include milk, butter, cream, cheese, cream cheese, and... :'''YoGurl''': Yogurt! <hr width=50%/> :'''Sally:''' I've got a squeegee! <hr width=50%/> :'''Sally:''' You're the best, Superdude, even if you ''are'' lactose-intolerant. <hr width=50%/> ===[[w:Alisa Reyes|Alisa Reyes]]=== :''[Kiki and Fran are stranded on an uncharted island.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Fran ''[Denberg]'':''' "Kiki, we've been on this island for three years..." :'''Kiki:''' ''[singsong]'' "''Three years, two months, one wee-eek!''" <hr width=50%/> :'''Kiki:''' ''[singing]'' "Fran's here, and I'm here, and you're here, and you're gonna be heeeeeere...forrrrrever-" :'''Fran ''[Denberg]'':''' "Stop it." :'''Kiki:''' "--and ever--" :'''Fran:''' "Stop it!" :'''Kiki:''' "--and ever--" :'''Fran:''' "STOP IT!" :'''Kiki:''' "--and ever--" :''[Fran knocks herself out.]'' :'''Kiki:''' "--and ever...." ===[[w:Angelique Bates|Angelique Bates]]=== :'''Mandy:''' "Mmmm; the chocolate does wonders for the nails." <hr width=50%/> :'''Mandy:''' "Looks like it's raining chocolate syrup. And...can it be snowing chocolate sprinkles?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Penny Lane:''' ''[to Superdude]'' "No, the milk will harm you! You're lactose-intolerant!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Jaleel White ''[as Steve Urkel]'':''' "Surprise! Ha-ha, did I do thaaaaaat?" <hr width=50%/> ===[[w:Amanda Bynes|Amanda Bynes]]=== :'''Ashley:''' ''[starts to read a letter]'' "Dear Ashley..." That's me! <hr width=50%/> :'''Springs:''' ''[sings]'' I'm a teeny-weeny bopper-beany, I'm so nice and he's so meany! <hr width=50%/> :''[Alien Thumtax has just fired on the U. S. S. Spaceship, which is helmed by 10-year-old Captain Tantrum]'' :'''Captain Tantrum:''' ''[wails]'' "You hurt my spaceship! WAAAAAAAAH!" :'''Officer Canker ''[Server]'':''' "Oh, nice goin', Thumtax! You made our little captain cry!" :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "You, you fired lasers at me, and I'm just a little girl!" :'''Thumtax ''[Denberg]'':''' "I--I'm sorry. How was I supposed to know that your captain was a little girl? I'm sorry, lil' Cap'n. I didn't mean to harm your ship; I--what can I do to make you feel better, sweetie?" :'''Captain Tantrum:''' ''[sniffles]'' "Lower your shields." :'''Thumtax:''' "But, I--" :'''Captain Tantrum:''' ''[wails]'' "WAAAAAAAAAH!" :'''Thumtax:''' "All right. Lower shields." :'''One of Thumtax's minions:''' "Shields down." :'''Thumtax:''' ''[to Captain Tantrum]'' "All right, dear; our shields are down. Is that better?" :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "I guess so." :'''Captain Tantrum:''' ''[to Singo and Officer Canker]'' "FIRE MAIN LASERS!" :'''Singo ''[Mitchell]'':''' ''[sings]'' "Firin' lasers!" :''[He and Officer Canker fire the lasers at Thumtax's ship.]'' :'''Thumtax:''' ''[screams, in the destruction of her ship]'' :'''Singo:''' ''[singing]'' "Captain, that was brilliant; Captain, that was brilliant!" :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "Status report, Officer Canker." :'''Officer Canker:''' "Alien ship dee-stroyed." :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "Excellent! Take us out of here, Singo. Heading 2614, mark 2." :'''Officer Canker:''' "But, but, Captain, we're supposed to be heading to Jupiter. That mark will take us directly to some place called...Happy...''Toyland''..." :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "Soooo?" :'''Singo:''' "We don't have time to go to Happy Toyland...no..." :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "BUT I WANNA GO TO HAPPY TOYLAND! I WANNA GO TO HAPPY TOYLAND!..." <hr width=50%/> :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "Porkus II?! That planet is entirely inhabited by...Pigginoids!" :'''Sosumi ''[Reyes]'':''' "Pigginoids?! No! I was harmed and taunted by Pigginoids when I was a little girl!" :'''Captain Tantrum:''' ''[singsong]'' "''No one cares...''" <hr width=50%/> :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "Hey! You aliens! This is Captain Tantrum, of the U. S. S. Spaceship! ♪Whatcha doin'?♪" <hr width=50%/> :''(The U. S. S. Spaceship is under attack by an alien named Velcro, who is made of what his name indicates.)'' :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "Who are ''you''?" :'''Velcro ''[guest star Kevin Carlson]'':''' "I...am Velcro. And I am angry." :''(He removes his neutral mouth and replaces it with his angry mouth.)'' :'''Velcro:''' "See?" :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "All right, VELCRO! Why have you attacked us?!" :'''Velcro:''' "I have issues!" :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "Okay. But...will you please not attack us again?" :'''Lt. Fondue ''[Knowings]'':''' "Oh, ''sure''! You're all polite to ''him''..." <hr width=50%/> :'''Ashley:''' "Our next letter comes from...Mary Schmid, of Butler, Pennsylvania. Mary writes...'Dear Ashley'...thaaaat's me! 'Dear Ashley, for reason, people never pay any attention to me. No one seems to care about me, or anything that I have to say. How come everyone always ignores me?" :''[Ashley puts the letter down.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Ashley:''' "Our next letter comes from...Lisa Lillian, of Queens, New York. Lisa writes...'Dear Ashley'...thaaaat's me! 'Dear Ashley, my name is Lisa. I just bought a new sweater. It is green. Sincerely, Lisa.'" :''[long pause]'' :'''Ashley:''' "WHO STINKIN' CARES?! This is called 'ASK Ashley'! Not 'BORE Ashley to Stinkin' Death'!" :'''Ashley:''' ''[mocking]'' "''Gee, I'm Lisa Lillian! And I just bought a new sweater! It is green! I'm a moron'', and blah-dee-blah-dee-blah-dee-blah-dee-BLAH!" <hr width=50%/> :''(Dr. Debbie is a cheerleading doctor.)'' :'''Dr. Debbie:''' "Pain, pain, go away; come again...NEVER!" ===[[w:Danny Tamberelli|Danny Tamberelli]]=== :'''Janitor Gaseous:''' "Squat and rot!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Campbell:''' "I'm gonna collect all this evidence...with my face!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Campbell:''' "I'm Jack Campbell, Fat Cop!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Francis the Caveman:''' "Me Francis, and I'm a caveman." <hr width=50%/> :''(An alien named Crouton [Tamberelli] is attacking the U. S. S. Spaceship; he has the power to telepathically control the ship and its crew.)'' :'''Crouton:''' "Now, surrender your ship." :'''Captain Tantrum ''[Bynes]'':''' "NEVER!" :'''Crouton:''' "Then I will make you do more unpleasant things!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Singo ''[Mitchell]'':''' ''[singing]'' "''Things aren't good...things are bad...Singo's feeling very sad...''" :'''Crouton ''[groaning]'':''' "Stop it!" :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "Did you ''see'' that? Singo! Sing something else!" :'''Singo:''' ''[singing]'' "''Okay, Captain, have no fear; just tell me what you wanna hear!''" :'''Crouton ''[groaning]'':''' "Stop the singing; it's ''killing me''!" :'''Officer Canker ''[Server]'':''' "Wait a minute. Whenever Singo sings...it harms Crouton!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Hairy Spice:''' "Sweaty, you better be careful around all this electrical equipment; I mean, you're just dripping in sweat. And everybody knows that water and electricity...''don't mix''." ===[[w:Christy Knowings|Christy Knowings]]=== :'''Jessica:''' "And, like, my name is Jessica; ''rrrr''!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Winter Wonders:''' "I'm Winter Wonders, and this is the game show called ''What Do You Do?'', where our panel tries to figure out what some kid does." <hr width=50%/> :'''Lt. Fondue ''[of the U. S. S. Spaceship]'':''' "Captain! What is we gonna do?!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Lt. Fondue:''' "Captain! I'm receivin' a trans-mishy-on from the alien ship that attack-ed-ed us!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Piddlin ''[Thompson]'':''' "I see you had my Julio bring in your carrots." :'''Miss Toodle ''[Miss Piddlin's lunch lady rival]'':''' "Uh-huh, 'cause ya know, children love them some carrots, more than anything." <hr width=50%/> :''(It is Science Day at Dullmont Jr. High School, and none of the students except Tilly [Bynes] did a science project. Ms. Ernestine Klump, the teacher, chooses Jasper to go first.)'' :'''Jasper ''[Thompson]'':''' "Um, this is a stick." :''[He breaks the stick in half.]'' :'''Jasper:''' "Now, it's two sticks." :'''Ms. Klump:''' "Oooo! Very good, Jasper! That science project will have ''many'' uses in the ''computer'' industry!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Ms. Klump:''' "Now, our next show and tell student is Thrack Morton." :'''Thrack ''[Saul]'':''' "Well, for show and tell today, I brought my new...instant juicer! My Uncle Wayne gave it to me, for Nephew Day." :''(Thrack places his juicing machine on Ms. Klump's desk, and takes out a bowl containing several oranges and cups.)'' :'''Ms. Klump:''' "Wow! A juicer; well, that's terrific! Now, what does it do?" :'''Thrack:''' "Well, first, you put the fruit in on top, like this." :''(He puts an orange into the juicer.)'' :'''Thrack:''' "Then, you press the button." :''(He does so, and the juice from the orange pours into the cup that he has placed near the spout.)'' :'''Thrack:''' "And, voilà...juice!" :''(He hands the juice to one of the other students ''[Thompson]''.)'' :'''Thrack:''' "Here, try some." :'''Other student:''' ''[after tasting the orange juice]'' "Mmmm! It tastes like sunshine on a Saturday morning!" ===[[w:Leon Frierson|Leon Frierson]]=== :'''Leroy:''' "Hey; my name's Leroy." :'''Fuzz ''[a blue puppet]'':''' "And my name is ''Fuzz''!" :''[He laughs.]'' :'''Fuzz:''' "How ya doin', Leroy?" :'''Leroy:''' "Anyway, today we're here to talk about somethin' that irritates ''me''. I'm talkin' about ''vegetables''." :'''Fuzz:''' "Leroy, did I just hear you say you don't like vegetables?" :'''Leroy:''' "You wanna make somethin' of it?" :'''Fuzz:''' "Well, gee; no...sorry." :'''Leroy:''' "I know. Now, like I was sayin', before I was so ''rudely'' interrupted by the big-mouthed ''puppet''..." :''[He casts a sideways glance at Fuzz.]'' :'''Leroy:'''...vegetables are ''nasty''." :'''Fuzz:''' "But, Leroy, vegetables are good for you. They're full of ''vitamins and happiness''!" :''[He laughs.]'' :'''Fuzz:''' "And they ''taste'' great, too!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Leroy:''' "Fuzz, we're not done yet. We should have a blow-dryer." :'''Fuzz:''' "A blow-dryer? But that's not a blow-dryer; that's an industrial strength leaf-blower!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Fuzz:''' ''[singing]'' "''Mi-mi-mi...oh, I like to scrub in the tub, 'cause I can play in the bubbles, and wash away my troubles; oh, bath-time sure is fun!''" <hr width=50%/> :'''Fuzz:''' "Kids gotta have a bedtime, so they get plenty of sleep! Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep--" :'''Leroy:''' "You on some kinda medical problem?!" :'''Fuzz:''' "Yes." :'''Leroy:''' "It ''figures''." <hr width=50%/> <hr width=50%/> :'''Billy Fuco:''' "I'M BILLY FUCO!" <hr width=50%/> :''[There has been a long arguement over which Cloudy Knight singer should be top-billed.]'' :'''C.J.:''' "Have y'all caught the midnight train to ''Georgia''? Now, I'm the cutest, and I got the biggest afro, so we will continue to be called...'C.J. and the Cloudy Knights.'" ===[[w:Nick Cannon|Nick Cannon]]=== :'''LaTanya:''' "Okaaaaay!" <hr width=50%/> :'''LaTanya:''' "It's time to get our freak on!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Quik'N'Fast customer ''[Saul]'':''' "Can I just buy these breath mints!" :'''LaTanya:''' "Ugh! You ''need'' 'em, Mr. ''Garbage'' Mouth!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Sweaty Spice:''' "Boy Power!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Sweaty Spice:''' "Look, Burt; this just ain't workin'. ''Sorry''..." <hr width=50%/> ===[[w:Mark Saul|Mark Saul]]=== :'''Yearbook photographer ''[Server]'':''' "That's him! That's the little ''hooligan'' that tied me up and hid me under the ''desk''!" :'''Stuart:''' "Fine, I'm not the real ''yearbook photographer''. I'm just a guy named Stuart. But you know something? If I was the real ''yearbook photographer'', I'd be the best ''yearbook photographer'' IN ALL THE LAND! People would come up to me and say 'Oh, Stuart, you're the best ''yearbook photographer''...EVER!!!!!' You all sicken me!! Now I'm going to get on my pterodactyl and go. C'mon, Terence." <hr width=50%/> :'''Stuart:''' ''[Pretends to take a student's picture with a life-sized replica of an iguana]'' "That picture's gonna come out just great!" :'''Student ''[Bynes]'':''' "But, that's not a camera; that's an iguana." :'''Stuart:''' "You can't prove that!" :'''Stuart ''[to the iguana]'':''' "She doesn't know what she's talking about, Mr. Camera." :'''Student ''[Bynes]'':''' "Look, nut! ''This'' is a camera, and ''that's'' an iguana." :'''Stuart:''' "And I'm a goat." :''[He bleats like a goat, and eats a handful of grass.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Hypno-Pants:''' "Stare into my butt!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Murray:''' "Hey! Could you--hey! Could you bring me--hey! Could you bring me a balloon?" ===Other=== :''[The show opening]'' :'''Announcer ''[Soup]'':''' "Fresh out the box! Stop, look, & watch! Ready yet? Get set! It's All That!" <hr width=50%/> :''[Peter and Flem are performing the actions as narrated]'' :'''Announcer:''' "Peter sharpens pencils the old-fashioned way. Flem sharpens pencils in different parts of his body." <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "Peter exercises every day. He runs over five miles. Flem runs from the police." <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "Peter does his homework making sure he gets all the answers right. Flem hits things with a hammer." <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "After dinner, Peter enjoys a fresh piece of fruit for dessert, like an apple. Flem eats a bag of sugar." <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "Peter makes excuses to go to the restroom. Flem's going to the restroom right now." :''[Flem is not in his restroom.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "Peter turns off his TV set using a remote control. Flem uses a brick." <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "Peter always brushes his teeth before going to bed. Flem brushes his hobo." <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "Peter likes to grow nice plants and flowers. Flem grows things under his arms." <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "Peter likes to read. Flem can't." <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "Every day after school, Peter walks his dog, Fido. Flem walks his grandmother." <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "After doing his homework, Peter relaxes by watching public television. Flem watches underwear." <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "Peter uses his laptop computer to do his homework. Flem smashes stolen coconuts." <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Kevin Kopelow|Kevin Kopelow]]:''' "Five minutes! The show starts in five minutes!" <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Kevin Kopelow|Kevin Kopelow]]:''' "Listen up. I'm just here to tell ya, that in ten minutes, the show will be startin' in ''five minutes''." <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Dan Schneider (producer)|Dan Schneider]]:''' "Hiiiii, everyone! It's time for 'Ask Ashley'!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Ed ''[Mitchell]'':''' Whoa! We have a drive-through window! :'''Mr. Bailey ''[Schneider]'':''' Ed, we've had a drive-through window for 3 years; it's right over there. :''(He points the drive-through window out to Ed.)'' :'''Ed:''' Whoa! How does the car fit through that little window over there? :'''Mr. Bailey:''' It ''doesn't'', Ed! The cars don't drive ''through'' the window; they drive ''past'' the window! :'''Ed:''' Oh; well, why don't they call it a "drive-pass" window? <hr width=50%/> :'''Mr. Bailey:''' ''[looks at a customer's winning ticket, which Ed claimed was for $5,000]'' "Aw, for the love of decimals, Ed, this says he won ''50¢''! 50¢, not 5,000!" <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Mýa|Mýa Harrison]]:''' ''[Describing the perils of live television]'' "...And if things go horribly wrong, we'll show this video clip of Rhineheart the Dancing Monkey-Boy." <hr width=50%/> :'''Complaint Department lady ''[Lori Beth Denberg]'':''' ''[to a customer]'' Complaint Department. Whatcha doin'? :'''Customer ''[Tricia Dickson]'':''' ''[southern accent]'' Well, I have a ''complaint''... :'''Complaint Department lady:''' Is...that your complaint? :'''Customer:''' No. :'''Complaint Department lady:''' If you have no complaint, I must ask you to go home. :'''Customer:''' Well, I certainly ''do'' have a ''complaint''. :'''Complaint Department lady:''' Well, ''make'' up your ''mind''! Do you have a complaint? :'''Customer:''' Yes; I bought this here mini vacuum cleaner. But I wanted a blue one, like on the box...and they gave me this here red one, surely by mistake. :'''Complaint Department lady:''' Well, if I were you, I'd take it right back to the store where I bought it. ==Dialogue== <hr width=50%/> :'''Kevin:''' "Everyone, I have a little surprise for you all! Kenan?" :''[Kenan enters, carrying the Big Ear of Corn, who was feared to be terminally ill. The other cast members are delighted, especially Lori Beth.]'' :'''Josh:''' "It's the Big Ear of Corn!" :'''Angelique:''' "So, what was wrong with the Corn?" :'''Kenan:''' "Nothin'; it turns out that the Big Ear of Corn wasn't even sick at all! Katrina?" :''[Katrina enters, pushing a perambulator containing the Big Ear of Corn's four new offspring, each of whom is at least twice the size of a standard ear of corn.]'' <hr width=50%/> :''(Three new students--Maggot, Rash, and Spew, the members of the band Bacteria--have joined Miss Fingerly's class.)'' :'''Maggot ''[Server]'':''' ''[British accent]'' My name is Maggot! :'''Rash ''[Reyes]'':''' I'm Rash! :'''Spew ''[Thompson]'':''' They call me SPEW! :'''Miss Fingerly ''[Denberg]'':''' All right. Spew, Rash...Maggot. Now, where are you children from? :'''Student ''[Johnson]'':''' Miss Fingerly, don't you know who they are? :'''Student ''[Bates]'':''' Yeah! :'''Student ''[Johnson]'':''' They're ''Bacteria''! :'''Miss Fingerly:''' Now, let's not judge others by their appearance. :'''Student ''[Mitchell]'':''' No; they're Bacteria, the hottest band around! :'''Student ''[Johnson]'':''' Their CD, ''Raw Sewage'', just went Triple Platinum! :'''Miss Fingerly:''' Oh, I see. Well, perhaps you'd like to tell the class how your band ''got'' the name "Bacteria"! :'''Maggot:''' Well, you see, our drummer, Spew, forgot to take a bath for 3½ years, and when we looked under his armpit, we found... :'''Miss Fingerly:''' All right! Let's all take our seats. <hr width=50%/> :''(Treach, Kay Gee, and Vinnie, the members of the rap group Naughty By Nature, are in the library, practicing for their performance as the episode's musical guest)'' :'''Loud Librarian:''' Silence! This is a ''liberry''! Just who do you fellas think you are?! :'''Kay Gee:''' We're Naughty By Nature. :'''Loud Librarian:''' Oh, well; ''that's obvious''! :'''Treach:''' No, no, no; we're the ''rap group'' Naughty By Nature. This is Kay Gee, this is Vinnie, and I'm Treach, and we just came in-- :''(She blows her air horn)'' :'''Loud Librarian:''' Quiet! This is a ''liberry''! Now, look, Treach, Kay Gee, Vinnie? I realize that you are all "naughty", and that it is your "nature" to be so! But if you wanna sing, you're not gonna do it in my liberry! :''(She points to the stage)'' :'''Loud Librarian:''' You can sing over there! :''(Naughty By Nature heads over to the stage)'' :'''Loud Librarian:''' ''(blows her whistle)'' Let's hear a round o' sound for...Naughty By Nature! :''(She blows her air horn again; Naughty By Nature performs their hit "Clap Yo Hands".)'' <hr width=50%/> :''(Rash has left Bacteria, and now Maggot and Spew are holding auditions for a new bass player.)'' :'''Maggot:''' Excuse me; before we start, can you even ''play'' the ''bass''? :'''Waw ''[Tamberelli]'':''' WAAAAAAAW! <hr width=50%/> :'''Amanda:''' Hey, everyone! Before the musical guest comes on, I wanted to show you my magic powers!<br/> :'''Audience:''' Ooh, aah!<br/> :'''Amanda:''' That's right! I'm going to turn these ice cubes into a glass of water!<br/> :''(Puts the ice cubes into a glass; a few seconds go by)''<br/> :'''Amanda:''' Hmmm. This trick usually takes a few hours. Hey, I know! I'll just turn this grapefruit into NSYNC instead! Alaka-ZAM!<br/> :''(NSYNC appears)''<br/> :'''JC Chasez:''' Where are we?<br/> :'''Justin Timberlake:''' And why do we smell like grapefruit? <hr width=50%/> :''[Josh is running on an unstoppable treadmill.]'' :'''Amanda''': Help! Help! I need help! :'''Danny''': What's wrong? :'''Amanda''': I need help. :'''Danny''': Well, I'm right here. :''[long pause]'' :'''Amanda''': Kenan! Kel! I NEED SOME HELP!! :''[Kenan and Kel enter]'' :'''Kenan''': What's wrong? Was Danny bothering you? :'''Kel''': Because we'll take care of him. :'''Amanda''': No. It's Josh. He's stuck on the treadmill, and we can't make it stop! <hr width=50%/> :''(At Good Burger, Mr. Bailey [Tim Goodwin; later played by Dan Schneider] has introduced Ed [Mitchell] to the new employee, Beth [Bates], who becomes Ed's love interest. She and Ed are lost in thought.)'' :'''Ed:''' ''(thinking)'' I'm lost in thought. :'''Beth:''' ''(thinking)'' He seems lost in thought. :'''Ed:''' She's so pretty, just like a...like, uh...like someone who's pretty. :'''Beth:''' I hope he thinks I'm pretty. :'''Ed:''' I do. :'''Beth:''' He'd be the coolest boyfriend. :'''Ed:''' Some vegetables...are green. :'''Beth:''' I wonder if he'll call me, and ask me out on a date. :'''Ed:''' I want to call her, and ask her out on a date, but I don't know how... :''[short pause]'' :'''Ed:''' ...to use a phone. :'''Beth:''' Ed, it's so easy, spell. :'''Ed:''' My foot's cold. :''[looks down]'' :'''Ed:''' Hey! I'm missin' a shoe! :''(Earlier, a customer [Johnson] had found and complained about a shoe in the strawberry milkshake that she had ordered; presumably, this was Ed's right shoe. He had actually noticed it in the milkshake machine, but hadn't bothered to remove it. This had made her "confused...and ''angry''!".)'' <hr width=50%/> :''(Superdude has just dispatched two bullies in a bank and gone outside to tie them up. A little girl dressed as Superdude runs into the bank )''<br/> :'''Fake Superdude ''[Amanda Bynes]'':''' NOBODY MOVE! This is a holdup!<br/> :''(A security guard runs out screaming)''<br/> :'''Weird-Voiced Man''': ...Superdude?<br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' That's right, I'm Superdude! Now gimme all the money--or I'll use my superpowers to harm you!<br/> :''(The Sweaty Woman [Lori Beth Denberg] begins to empty the cash drawer as the real Superdude comes in)''<br/> :'''Superdude ''[Kenan Thompson]'':''' Those bullies won't be bothering anyone anymore!...hey, who are you?<br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' I'm, uh...Superdude!<br/> :''(Pause)''<br/> :'''Superdude:''' Excuse me? <br/> :'''The Sweaty Woman''': Quick! Grab the [[impostor]]! <br/> :''(Before anyone can react, Fake Superdude rushes toward Superdude. The two spin around briefly, and end up facing the bank patrons.)''<br/> :'''Weird-Voiced Man:''' Oh, no! Now we can't tell which one is the REAL Superdude! <br/> :'''Black-Haired Woman:''' I'm totally confused! <br/> :'''The Sweaty Woman:''' Talk about conflict! <br/> :'''Penny Lane:''' Which one is the good Superdude, and which one is the bank-robbing ''evil twin''?<br/> :'''Superdude:''' ...Y'all are kidding me, right? <br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' I'm the REAL Superdude! HE'S the IMPOSTOR! <br/> :'''Superdude:''' ''I'm'' the ''real'' one! <br/> :'''Weird-Voiced Man:''' I can't tell which is which! <br/> :'''Penny Lane:''' What are we gonna DO?<br/> :'''Superdude:''' What is WRONG with you people? LOOK AT US!<br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' He's evil, I tell ya! Evil. Evil!<br/> :'''Superdude:''' Look, look. I'll prove to you that I'm the real Superdude, aight? <br/> :''(He picks up a metal bar and twists it into a knot. The patrons applaud.)''<br/> :'''Superdude:''' Now do you believe me?<br/> :'''Blond Woman:''' He IS the real Superdude!<br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' Wait, wait! Watch this! <br/> :''(She grabs a piece of paper and, after a brief struggle, tears it in half.)''<br/> :'''Weird-Voiced Man:''' That one's got super strength, too! <br/> :'''Superdude:''' WHAT? That ain't super! Oh, for heaven's sake, look--this is NOT the real Superdude! She's a little girl!<br/> :'''Penny Lane:''' I've got an idea! Superdude is lactose intolerant!<br/> :'''Superdude:''' You ain't got to go there.<br/> :'''Weird-Voiced Man:''' Lactose intolerant...what's that?<br/> :'''The Sweaty Woman:''' Lactose intolerant means that Superdude can't handle dairy products--such as cheese, whipped cream, and especially milk!<br/> :'''Penny Lane:''' The Sweaty Woman's right! Does anybody have a pitcher of milk?<br/> :''(The Sweaty Woman has pulled a large pitcher of milk from behind the desk and is drinking from it.)''<br/> :'''The Sweaty Woman:''' ...I do!<br/> :'''Penny Lane:''' Here's how we'll tell them both apart. I'll pour this milk on both of them, and then the real Superdude will be horribly damaged!<br/> :'''Superdude:''' No, I don't think that that's such a good...<br/> :''(Penny pours the milk over both of the Superdudes. Fake Superdude only screams, but Superdude falls to the ground.)''<br/> :'''Superdude:''' A...E...I...O...<br/> :'''The Sweaty Woman:''' SHE'S the impostor! <br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' The Sweaty Woman's right! <br/> :'''The Sweaty Woman:''' I'M ON A ROLL!<br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' But it's too late! Now with Superdude out of the way, I'm free to take all the money! Then I'll POSE as Superdude, and commit crimes ALL OVER THE WORLD! AAAAHHH HAAA HAA HAA!<br/> :''(She takes the sacks of money and heads for the door)''<br/> :'''Weird-Voiced Man:''' Oh, somebody help Superdude! <br/> :'''The Sweaty Woman:''' I've got a blow dryer! <br/> :''(Penny takes the dryer and runs it over Superdude. Meanwhile, Fake Superdude stops to collect a toaster)''<br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' Almost forgot my free toaster! <br/> :''(She takes it and goes toward the door)''<br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' Buh-bye...SUCKERS! <br/> :''(Superdude is dry by now, and stands up.)''<br/> :'''Superdude:''' HOLD IT, you evil bank-robbing impostor! You're not going anywhere! <br/> :''(He turns around and sends magnetic rays out of his buttocks. They attract the metal in toaster, and Fake Superdude, who is still holding the toaster, is pulled back.)''<br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' What happened? <br/> :'''Superdude:''' I stopped you by using my super magnetic force field from my super butt! You should've let go of the toaster, but you HAD to be greedy, didn't ya? <br/> :''(Two police officers enter the bank)''<br/> :'''Superdude:''' Aha! Officers, arrest this bank robbing person as my evil twin!<br/> :'''Police Officer:''' Wow. We just came here to open new accounts and get our free toasters.<br/> :'''Police Officer:''' Thanks a lot, Superdude! Wow--you two really look identical! <br/> :''(They take Fake Superdude into custody.)''<br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' NO! NOO! I'LL BE BACK, SUPERDUDE!<br/> :'''Penny Lane:''' I guess Evil Superdude picked the wrong day to rob a bank!<br/> :'''Superdude:''' You are correct. What can I say-you ''twin'' some, and you lose some! <br/> :''(The patrons break into loud, faked laughter.)''<br/> :'''The Sweaty Woman:''' I don't get it!...HA HA HA HA HA! <hr width=50%/> :''(Detective Dan [Josh Server] has ruined Helga's [Danny Tamberelli]'s wedding.''<br/> :'''Helga:''' YOOOOUUU!! You have angered Helga! ''(grabs Dectective Dan by his trench coat)'' Now you must pay!<br/> :'''Detective Dan:''' Don't mind if I do! <hr width=50%> :''(How Randy and Mandy usually introduce their cooking sketch, ''Cooking With Randy & Mandy''.)'' :'''Randy ''[Kenan Thompson]'':''' Hi! I'm Randy! :'''Mandy ''[Angelique Bates]'':''' And I'm Mandy! :'''Randy and Mandy ''[in unison]'':''' And this is ''Cooking With''... :'''Randy:''' ...''Randy''... :'''Mandy:''' ...''and Mandy''! Hi, Randy! :'''Randy:''' Hi, Mandy! <hr width=50%> :'''Mandy:''' Moms tend to overlook the benefits of chocolate. :'''Randy:''' Mainly that it tastes very, very good. <hr width=50%> :'''Mandy:''' Our next dish is ''nachos''. :'''Randy:''' First, you place the chips in a microwaveable plate... :'''Mandy:''' ...and then you add ''chocolate''. :'''Randy:''' Chocolate ''bars''... :'''Mandy:''' ...chocolate ''chips''... :'''Randy:''' ...chocolate ''sprinkles''... :'''Mandy:''' ...chocolate ''powder''... :'''Randy:''' ...chocolate ''syrup''... :'''Randy and Mandy ''[in unison]'':''' ...''any'' kind of chocolate, ''really''. :'''Randy:''' Because once they mesh together, they become one harmonious chocolate holiday; a ''celebration'' of chocolate, if you will. <hr width=50%> :'''Square dance caller ''[guest star Tim Farmer]'':''' Choose your partner! Do-si-do! Swing your partner 'round and 'round; pick him up and throw him down! Yee-ha! Kick him in the side, kick him in the head; change his name from Bob to Ted! <hr width=50%> :''(The Island Girls are visited by Kiki's sister, Didi)''<br/> :'''Didi ''[Johnson]'':''' Hello, hello!<br/> :'''Kiki''': I wonder who that is?<br/> :'''Fran''': Who cares? It's a person...it's a person that's ''not you''!<br/> :''(She runs to Didi)''<br/> :'''Fran''': Thank you, whoever you are! I'm rescued! I'm rescued! Finally--I'm rescued! Who are you?<br/> :''(Didi removes her goggles)''<br/> :'''Kiki''': Didi!<br/> :'''Didi''': Kiki!<br/> :'''Fran''': Kiki, who is this?<br/> :'''Kiki''': This is my sister, Didi! Didi, this is my bestest friend, Fran!<br/> :''(She hugs Fran, who looks terrified.)''<br/> :'''Fran''': YOUR SISTER?!<br/> <hr width=50%> :'''Quik'N'Fast customer ''[Bynes]'':''' Excuse me, can I have change for a 20? :'''LaTanya ''[Cannon]'':''' Oooo, of course you can, 'cause this ''is'' Quik'N'Fast, the ''bank''! :'''LaNeesha ''[Thompson]'':''' ''[to LaTanya]'' Wait a minute, girl! I thought this was Quik'N'Fast, the ''store''! :'''LaTanya:''' Oooo; you is so right, LaNeesha! I was wrong, you was right; I was wrong, you was right! :'''LaTanya:''' ''[to the customer]'' So I guess you gonna hafta buy somethin' to get your change, then! :'''Quik'N'Fast customer:''' Okay, fine, I'll...take this pack of gum. :'''LaTanya:''' And I give you your change! :''(She pours a beach pailful of pennies onto the counter.)'' :'''LaTanya:''' 1...3...13...it's all here. :'''Quik'N'Fast customer:''' Hey, I didn't want ''pennies''! :'''LaNeesha:''' Oooo, Ms. Fussy was just '''beggin'''' for change, and now she don't want it! :'''LaTanya:''' Maybe she should come back when she knows what she wants, okay? Bye! <hr width=50%> :''(A gym coach [Server] is coaching a boy named Bruno [Thompson] to become a ballerina in Miss Fingerly's [Denberg] ballet class. Bruno has just gotten kicked by one of the other ballet students [Johnson] while the class has been doing pliés.)'' <br/> :'''Coach:''' WHAT WAS ''THAT''?! YOU LET THAT LITTLE GIRL TAKE YOU OUT WITH ONE LITTLE PLEA-LAY! :'''Bruno:''' But...she kicked...me ''hard'', Coach. :'''Coach:''' SHE IS A ''LITTLE GIRL'', FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD, BRUNO! :'''Bruno:''' But, she's real strong, and look, she ripped my tutu. :'''Coach:''' That's just 'tutu bad'*, idnit?! *Play on words: '''too, too'' bad' <hr width=50%> :'''Miss Fingerly ''[Denberg]'':''' All right, class. Today, we will be discussing popular music. Now, who can tell me the name of the very first CD ever released by Boyz II Men? :''(Harpo raises his hand.)'' :'''Miss Fingerly:''' All right, um...Harpo? :'''Harpo ''[Thompson]'':''' Oh, yes! Okay, all right, the very first CD by Boyz II Men was called "II". :'''Balthasar ''[Mitchell]'':''' Noooo...it's "''Cooleyhighharmony''". :'''Harpo:''' No! You're wrong, man! It was called "''II''"! :'''Balthasar:''' "''Cooleyhighharmony''"! :'''Harpo:''' "''II''"! :'''Balthasar:''' "''Cooleyhighharmony''"! :'''Harpo:''' "''II''"! :'''Balthasar:''' Oh! "''Cooleyhighharmony''"! :'''Harpo:''' Oh! I ''hate'' you! :'''Balthasar:''' You make me ''sad''! :'''Harpo:''' Okay; fine, Balthasar! Okay; so, like, you think that Boyz II Men's first CD was called "''Cooleyhighharmony''". But ''I'' know who can settle this, man. :''(Harpo goes to the door and opens it.)'' :'''Harpo:''' Chuh-''guh''! :''(The members of the musical guest, Boyz II Men--Nathan Morris, Michael McCary, Wanya Morris, and Marc Nelson--enter the classroom.)'' :'''Harpo:''' Hey! Boyz II Men! Okay, men, Balthasar there says that your ''first'' CD was entitled "Cooleyhighharmony", but ''I'' think that it was called "''II''". So, who's right? :'''Marc Nelson:''' Well, Harpo, I hate to tell you this, but, um, Balthasar is right. :'''Wanya Morris:''' Yeah. Our first CD was called "Cooleyhighharmony"; the second one was entitled "II". :'''Nathan Morris:''' Yeah, I mean, if you think about it, you know, like, "II"..."II", the second...second album. :'''Harpo:''' I feel so ''foolish''. <hr width=50%/> :''(What the "Whatever Girls" usually say)''<br/> :'''Gina''':Okay?<br/> :'''Jessica''': Okay!<br/> :'''Gina''': Okay!<br/> :'''Jessica''': Okay!<br/> :'''Both''': OKAY!!!<br/> ==Second Run (seasons 7-10)== ===[[w:Chelsea Brummet|Chelsea Brummet]]=== :'''Bridget:''' "Hi! I'm Bridget, and this is my...SLUMBER PARTY!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Abby Rhodes:''' "Like, okay, okay?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Mega Butt:''' "Butt powers ACTIVATE!" ===[[w:Jack DeSena|Jack DeSena]]=== :'''Slimon Bowel:''' "I hate you all." <hr width=50%/> :'''Randy Quench:''' "Here comes me!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Randy Quench:''' "I'm Randy Quench! Volunteer Fireman!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Carson Daly:''' "I'm now bleeding from the ears! I hope you're happy!" ===[[w:Lisa Foiles|Lisa Foiles]]=== :'''Claudia:''' "When life gives me lemons, I suck them." <hr width=50%/> :'''Claudia:''' "I want to give you all an infection." :'''Bridget ''[Brummet]'':''' "Infect people ''later''!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Heather Darling:''' "INCOMING!!!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Heather Darling:''' "That's my name!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Kaffy:''' "MY HEART IS POUNDING LIKE A JACKHAMMER!" ===[[w:Kyle Sullivan|Kyle Sullivan]]=== :'''Harry Bladder:''' "Weenius nosium!" <hr width=50%/> :''[Sacco (Lyons) had enlarged Herhiney's (Foiles) buttocks.]'' :'''Harry Bladder:''' "Look what you did to her heinie!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Brian Peafest''': "Who will be the next American Idiot?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Buzz:''' "MY PULSE IS RACING FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF LIGHT!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Ernie:''' "Here comes the loopy-de-loop." ===[[w:Shane Lyons|Shane Lyons]]=== <hr width=50%/> :'''Soupdude:''' "''I'm'' not Superdude! I'm...''Soupdude''!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Soupdude:''' "I do make wonderful soup. That's why they call me...''Soupdude''!" ===[[w:Giovonnie Samuels|Giovonnie Samuels]]=== :'''Mandy Snackson:''' "Dawg, you did your thing." <hr width=50%/> :'''Driving Instructor:''' "Don't be distracted by distractions!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Dill:''' "Once upon a time...there was this little puppy named Cuddles. And then...Cuddles ate a huge banana split!" ===[[w:Bryan Hearne|Bryan Hearne]]=== :'''Re-Ron:''' "I'm Harry Bladder's precocious best friend!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Zigfried:''' "KUMQUAT!...jerk." ===[[w:Jamie Lynn Spears|Jamie Lynn Spears]]=== :'''Thelma Stump:''' "Got any bacon?...Bacon's goooood." <hr width=50%/> :'''Carlee:'''"I'm Carlee--" :'''Marlee ''[Foiles]'':''' "--and I'm Marlee--" :'''Both ''[in unison]'':''' "--and we've got a passion for trashin' fashion! Uh-huh!" ===[[w:Christina Kirkman|Christina Kirkman]]=== :'''Cindy Lou Rougeneck:''' "I want some babyback ribs!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Sunshine Sally:''' "So, go get the tacos." ===[[w:Kianna Underwood|Kianna Underwood]]=== :'''Kareena Jones:''' "Sass-er-frass!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Kareena Jones:''' "No flapjacks for you TODAY!!" ===[[w:Denzel Whitaker|Denzel Whitaker]]=== :'''Cupid:''' "I don't like it now, and I didn't like it when I was a tall white guy!" ''(the part had previously been played by Lyons)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Jeff Bester:''' "When it comes to safety, I know bester!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Jeff Bester:''' "Yo-yo's going crazy." <hr width=50%/> :'''Jeff Bester:''' "Jeff Bester deems these crayons...UNSAFE!" :''(He makes a loud buzzer noise.)'' ===Other=== :'''Lady in Shane's Mouth ''[Schneider]'':''' "Don't live in a mouth!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer ''[Brian Peck]'':''' "Know your stars...know your stars...know your stars..." ==Third Run (season 11)== ===[[:Kate Godfrey|Kate Godfrey]]=== :'''Marie Kiddo:''' ''(in a boys-only treehouse)'' "Welcome back to ''Getting Rid Of Your Stuff''. I'm your host, Marie Kiddo. I help people decide what to keep, and what to get rid of. Today, I'm here at this super-secret clubhouse for boys." :''(The treehouse belongs to two friends, Chad and Randy, who are asleep in their hammocks.)'' :'''Marie Kiddo:''' "HI, CHAD AND RANDY!" :''(Chad and Randy fall out of their hammocks.)'' :'''Chad ''(Ryan Alessi)'':''' "Marie? How'd ''you'' get in here?" :'''Randy ''(Lex Lumpkin)'':''' "No girls allowed, Marie." :''(Randy points to where it says "Boys Only" on one of the treehouse walls.)'' :'''Chad:''' "Yeah; didn't you read the sign?" :'''Marie Kiddo:''' "Yep." :''(She notices some comic books of theirs, and picks them up.)'' :'''Marie Kiddo:''' "Tell me about these comic books. Do they bring you joy?" :'''Chad:''' "Yep; they're colorful ''and'' violent." :'''Marie Kiddo:''' "Then we keep the comics." :'''Randy:''' "''O''kay." :''(She puts them down, and then notices the beanbag chairs.)'' :'''Marie Kiddo:''' "How about these old beanbag chairs? Do they spark gladness?" :'''Chad:''' "Spark gladness?" :'''Randy:''' "You mean, does Chad fart in them?" :'''Chad:''' "Randy!" :'''Randy:''' "Hey, you spark '''somethin'''' in them all the time." :'''Marie Kiddo:''' "In that case, we thank you, beanbag chairs, and we give a little giggle." :''(She giggles mischievously.)'' :'''Marie Kiddo:''' "DESTROOOOY!" :''(She makes three long steel claws, similar to those of Wolverine from ''X-Men'', emerge from each of her hands, and she uses these claws to destroy the beanbag chairs.)'' :'''Chad:''' "Marie! I ''sit'' in those!" :'''Marie Kiddo:''' "THAT'S NOT WHAT I HEARD!" :''(short pause)'' :'''Marie Kiddo:''' "And we're calm." <hr width=50%/> :'''Positive Poppi:''' "Hi! I'm Positive Poppi. Today's inspirational quote to keep in mind is, 'Life is a gift'." :''(A giant present, wrapped in yellow wrapping paper with red flowers and tied with green ribbon, falls on her; only her feet are now visible.)'' :'''Positive Poppi:''' "Stay positive!" ===[[:Gabrielle Nevaeh Green|Gabrielle Nevaeh Green]]=== :'''Alisha:''' ''(to a customer at Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee)'' "Good morning! I'm Alisha, your barista. Welcome to Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee! Would you like to taste-test our new espresso?" :''(Alisha takes a sip of the espresso, then discards the cup.)'' :'''Alisha:''' "YOLO! Ever been to Yolo County in California? It's a real place!" :''(She runs over to a map of the lower 48 states, and points out Yolo County, California.)'' :'''Alisha:''' "''See''?" :'''Customer ''(Reece Caddell)'':''' "It is way too early for whatever is happening right now." :'''Alisha:''' "Early bird gets the worm! Do you know some people refer to the worm as the caterpillar? The dance, not the animal. Can you do the worm? I can." :''(She gets down on the floor and does the worm.)'' :'''Customer:''' "I--can I just have an iced coffee?" :'''Alisha:''' "Sure!" :''(Alisha goes back behind the counter.)'' :'''Alisha:''' "Would you like that teeny tiny, medium, medium plus, biggie small, or a super duper?" :''(She places a super duper-sized display cup on the counter.)'' :'''Customer:''' "''That's'' way too big." :'''Alisha:''' "Okay, too big!" :''(She discards the super duper-sized cup.)'' :'''Alisha:''' ''(discarding the teeny tiny-sized display cup)'' "Too small!" :'''Alisha:''' ''(taking a sip from her own medium-sized cup of coffee)'' "Ah, just right! Did you know Goldilocks originally had silver hair? Guess it was really someone's Grandma sneaking into that bears' house. My Grandma's name is Carrie; what's yours?" :'''Customer:''' "Can I just have a coff--" :'''Alisha:''' "Is it Geraldine?" :'''Customer:''' "A coffee with--" :'''Alisha:''' "Ruby?" :'''Customer:''' "''No''!" :'''Alisha:''' "Lucille?" :'''Customer:''' "You know what? Forget it; I'm awake!" :'''Alisha:''' "Thanks for waking up at Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee!" :''(The customer smiles sarcastically, and then she leaves.)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Customer ''(Godfrey)'':''' "Good morning." :'''Alisha:''' "Good morning; welcome to Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee...Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee! Coffee! Coffee!" ===[[:Nathan Janak|Nathan Janak]]=== :''(As himself, he hosts the sketch ''Cancelled With Nathan''.)'' •"Welcome to...''Cancelled'', ''With Nathan''. I am here to tell you what is now ''officially'' cancelled, and ''why''. Up next we have people just saying 'kay' instead of 'okay'. Yes, 'kay' is...''cancelled''! No, I am not cancelling the ''letter'' 'K'. It can stay. I need to spell words like 'kangaroo'...and 'kazoo'. And 'knight', even though it ''is'' silent. But replying with 'kay' instead of 'okay' is ''not okay''. I texted my friend Jeremy a question. I asked, 'Hey, Jeremy, when you're done with that scooter, can you let me know, because ''I'' want to use it next?'. And he replied with...'kay'. Have you ever heard anything more rude in your whole life?! What, am I not worth the 'O'?! I was under the impression that we were ''friends''. What kind of friend is ''too'' lazy to reply back with ''two syllables''?! I got him the ''exact'' limited edition skateboard that he wanted for his birthday. And in return, ''I'' can't even get ''two letters''?! Phew! Well, guess what, Jeremy. Maybe ''I'm'' too lazy to say all of ''''Jeremy'''' now. So from ''now'' on, you're Jer...''kay''?" •"Hi; welcome to...''Cancelled'', ''With Nathan''. I'm here to tell you what is now ''officially'' cancelled and ''why''. Up next, we have the emoji that looks, like, this: 😜. Yes, the emoji with one eye closed and its tongue out is now...''cancelled''! I tried to text my friend Katherine a question. I said, 'How do you think you did on the science test today?'. And her reply...was this: 😜. What does that even ''mean''?! Never, in my life have ''I asked'' somebody a question, and ''that'' was my reply. If a waiter came up to me and asked me, 'How was your meal?', and my reply was '😜', I would think I was ''crazy'', and he ''wouldn't'' be wrong! I still have ''no idea'' how Katherine feels about the science test today, so for ''that'' reason, the emoji with ''one eye closed'' and its tongue out, is now...CANCELLED! Whoo!" ===[[:Lex Lumpkin|Lex Lumpkin]]=== :'''Long Coat:''' "All right! We've assembled some of the toughest, most ruthless villains in all of Cityville. Robo Arms! Rocket Shoes! And Hot Breath! The first place we hit is the bank, and with all of us, Hero Boy won't be able to stop us!" :'''Robo Arms ''(Chinguun Sergelen)'':''' "If Hero Boy comes ''anywhere near'' us, I'll destroy him by launching a truck at him with the sheer force of my arms!" :'''All:''' "YEAH!" :'''Rocket Shoes ''(Green)'':''' "If I see him, I will ''blast'' into him full speed with the immense power of my rockets!" :'''All:''' "YEAH!" :'''Hot Breath ''(Godfrey)'':''' "And I'll breathe a gaping hole into the ground until Hero Boy falls to him doom!" :'''All:''' "YEAH!" :'''Long Coat:''' "And I'll have this...very long coat. Now, when we ''first'' get in the bank, I..." :''(Robo Arms raises his right hand.)'' :'''Long Coat:''' "What is it, Robo Arms?" :'''Robo Arms:''' "Am I the only one who feels like...the coat really isn't that helpful? I mean, we all explained what we would do in full detail, but--" :'''Long Coat:''' "Bad guys always wear long coats. It's scary." ===[[:Chinguun Sergelen|Chinguun Sergelen]]=== :'''Benny ''(Sergelen)'':''' "Hey, it's ''Unboxing With Benny'', the show where I open boxes and show you guys what's inside. And I'm ''very'' excited about ''this'' one, guys. ''This'' is the new Funtendo 64 gaming system. Oh, you've never heard of it? That's because it doesn't come out for another ''year''! Lucky for you, I'm famous, so they sent me one. Let the unboxing begin!" :''(Benny tries in vain to open his package.)'' :'''Benny:''' "Mmm, sturdy packaging...this is a little harder to open than I thought. BRB." :''(Cut to him holding a pair of heavy-duty scissors.)'' :'''Benny:''' "Trust me, you guys are gonna ''freak'' when you see what's in this box..." :'''Announcer:''' "FREAK!" :''(Benny tries to cut the box open, but the scissors break.)'' :'''Benny:''' "...just as soon as I can get it open. Trust me, you will freak." :'''Announcer:''' "FREAK!" :''(Benny calls Funtendo Customer Support, and talks to an agent.)''' :'''Funtendo Customer Support agent ''(on the phone)'':''' "Funtendo Customer Support. If you need help, say 'help'". :'''Benny:''' "Help!" :'''Funtendo Customer Support agent:''' "Did you say...'applesauce'?" :'''Benny:''' "Applesauce?! ''Why'' would I say 'applesauce'?!" :'''Funtendo Customer Support agent:''' "Transferring you to...applesauce." ===[[:Reece Caddell|Reece Caddell]]=== :''(In this season, she is the host of ''Vital Information''.)'' :"Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Beans make the farts go longer." <hr width=50%/> :"Out of sight, out of mind? Out of money, out of ''ice cream''; you know what I'm ''saying''." <hr width=50%/> :"If you're in a pickle...get outta that pickle, man; ''come on''!" <hr width=50%/> :"Open the window and the air in...unless ''Aaron'' is a ''jewel thief''." <hr width=50%/> :"If a train is traveling from Chicago to New York at 130 miles an hour, and the train leaves at 8:35 in the morning...you should ''fly''. It's ''way'' faster." <hr width=50%/> :"If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Unless they are eggs. Never join ''eggs''. ''Trust'' me." <hr width=50%/> :"You shouldn't judge a book by its cover. You also shouldn't cover your book with peanut butter, and run around school, saying, 'Don't be ''jelly''...'." ===[[:Ryan Alessi|Ryan Alessi]]=== :'''Other character ''(Caddell)'':''' "O, M, G. I heard ''Scary Basement IV'' is so much scarier than the first three." :'''Other character ''(Aria Brooks)'':''' "I heard the first ten seconds are the scariest ten seconds in cinema history. #ScaryBasementIVChallenge." :''(She shrieks in delight.)'' :'''Other character ''(Caddell)'':''' "Can't wait!" :'''T@$#le!gh:''' "''Soooo'' scared! O. M. G.; tag me in that. It's T@$#le!gh. T-at sign-dollar sign-hashtag-L-E-exclamation point-G-''H''." :'''Other character ''(Aria Brooks)'':''' "Guys...don't look, it's Tevin; O..." :'''Other character ''(Caddell)'':''' "...M..." :'''T@$#le!gh:''' "...G!" :'''Tevin ''(Godfrey)'':''' "Bro, bro, I'm ''so'' gonna make it through the first ten seconds, no prob." :'''Other character ''(Lumpkin)'':''' "Dude, I don't know. Trad saw ''Scary Basement'' and his whole family had to move to a house ''without'' a basement." :'''Other character ''(Janak)'':''' "Bro, I am so stoked; I am not even scared ''at all''." :'''Tevin:''' "''At all'', bro." :'''Other character ''(Lumpkin)'':''' "Bro!" :'''Other character ''(Janak)'':''' "Bro!" :''(All three fist-bump.)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "It's time for the world's easiest game show, ''Simplicity''! And here's your host, Dell Devine!" :'''Dell Devine ''(Alessi)'':''' "Welcome to ''Simplicity'', the simplest game show in the whole world. Let's meet our contestants for today. From East Dakota, Linda Schnutzenberger." :'''Linda Schnutzenberger ''(Caddell)'':''' "Hi!" :'''Dell Devine:''' "And from Dallas, Canada...Larry Van Halen!" :'''Larry Van Halen ''(Sergelen)'':''' "Whuh-''sup''?" :'''Dell Devine:''' "Let's play ''Simplicity''. The rules are simple. I'll ask a question. If you know the answer, press one green button and two red ones. If you ''don't'' know the answer, pull the lever and honk the horn. But if you hear ''this'' sound..." :''(The buzzer sounds.)'' :'''Dell Devine:''' "...push a blue button, wait three seconds, then twist the purple knob. Whatever you do, ''do not touch the kazoo''. Everybody ready?" :'''Linda Schnutzenberger:''' "''Ready''..." :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "''NOOOO''..." :'''Dell Devine:''' "First question. What sport is played with a basketball?" :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "Basketball!" :'''Dell Devine:''' "That is correct!" :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "''Yes''!" :'''Dell Devine:''' "''But'' you forgot to ring a bell." :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "What ''bell''?" :''(The buzzer sounds.)'' :'''Linda Schnutzenberger:''' "Basketball." :'''Dell Devine:''' "Correct! Linda wins Round 1!" :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "But, she didn't ring a bell." :'''Dell Devine:''' "''Yes'', Larry. That's because after one contestant answers incorrectly, the other contestant can answer ''if'' they're eating a 12-foot party sub." :''(Linda is revealed to be doing this.)'' :'''Dell Devine:''' "And now, it's time for Round 6!" :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "Wha--Round ''6''? Can we go over the rules again?" :'''Dell Devine:''' "''No''...next question. How many eggs are in a dozen?" :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "Twelve." :''(A fisherman enters, and hits Larry with a large-mouthed spotted bass.)'' :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "Hey! What was ''that''?!" :'''Dell Devine:''' "You got the answer wrong. So you got slapped in the face with a large-mouthed spotted bass!" :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "But...a dozen ''is'' twelve." :'''Dell Devine:''' "''But'', in Round 6, all the answers are supposed to be ''divided'' by six, so the correct answer is two. Linda?" :'''Linda Schnutzenberger:''' "Nine." :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "You're gonna get slapped with a fish--" :''(The fisherman returns, and again hits Larry with the fish.)'' :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "Why ''me''?! The right answer was ''two''!" :'''Dell Devine:''' "''That's'' because ''you'' are in Round ''6''. ''Linda'' is in Round ''3''. The rules are pretty clear, Larry." :'''Linda Schnutzenberger:''' ''(to Larry)'' "What are you ''not'' understanding?" :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "A ''lot''!" ===[[:Aria Brooks|Aria Brooks]]=== :'''Lt. Uhlot:''' ''(an extraterrestrial, of Star Crew)'' "Well...Officer 'Smart'...the Klorgons are still here, and they're still mad!" :'''Klorgon leader ''(Caddell)'':''' "''And'' covered in various ''teas''." :''(Officer Smart [Janak] miscalculated that dousing the hostile Klorgon extraterrestrials with iced tea would be sufficient to defeat them.)'' <hr width=50%h/> :''(All of Officer Smart's calculations have proven inaccurate.)'' :'''Lt. Uhlot:''' "Enough! No more of your ''stupid calculations''! Because according to ''my'' calculations, ''you have yet to be right''!" ===[[:Other|Other]]=== :''(Singer Gabriella Sarmiento Wilson, known professionally as H. E. R. [Having Everything Revealed], is the musical guest for this episode; she is at Good Burger, and she has given Ed her order.)'' :'''Ed ''(Kel Mitchell)'':''' "What's the name on the order?" :'''H. E. R.:''' "H. E. R.." :'''Ed:''' "Oh, you...you want it in ''her'' name?" :''(He points to another woman who is eating at Good Burger.)'' :'''H. E. R.:''' "No, no. ''I'm'' H. E. R.." :'''Ed:''' "Oh, okay; well, if you're ''her'', then who is ''she''?" :'''H. E. R.:''' "I don't ''know'' who she is. Listen carefully, okay? My name...is ''H. E. R.''. ''H. E. R.'' is ''me''." :'''Ed:''' "I thought ''I'' was me. And I thought you were ''her''." :'''H. E. R.:''' "She ''is'' her." :'''Ed:''' "Oh. Okay; then, who am ''I''?" :'''H. E. R.:''' "Can we just stop trying to figure out who everybody else is, please?" :'''Ed:''' "No, no, no, no; I think I got it. Okay. You're ''you'', she's ''her'', and you're ''also'' her. All right, but she's not ''you''. Okay? And then ''I'm'' not her, because I'm me. But...sometimes, I'm you. All right? So, she's not me...okay...and she's not ''you'', and she's not ''her'', and I don't know who the heck ''that'' is." :''(He points to another man at Good Burger.)'' ==External links== {{wikipedia}} *{{imdb title|id=0111875|title=All That}} [[Category:Nickelodeon shows]] [[Category:American TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] 2bqfiuz5qdypbluq2x8yc15ds84itp2 3158012 3158010 2022-08-25T23:56:56Z 2601:19B:700:8C0:7021:872:FB64:7607 /* Kyle Sullivan */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''{{w|All That}}''''' (1994-2000, 2002-05, 2019-20) is an American sketch comedy television series created by Brian Robbins and Mike Tollin for Nickelodeon. {{tv-cleanup|2007-02-11}} {{unreferenced|article about a serial production}} ==First Run (seasons 1-6)== ===[[w:Josh Server|Josh Server]]=== :'''Himself ''[after getting amnesia due to a concussion from a falling spotlight]'':''' "My name is Lord Swaynesborough of Fontcastle." <hr width=50%/> :''[Detective Dan has just entered a classroom at Dullmont Jr. High School, thinking that it was a bank being robbed.]'' :'''Detective Dan:''' "I'm Detective Dan! Everybody up against the wall, and nobody move!" :'''Student ''[Bynes]'':''' "Um...Detective Dan...how are we supposed to get up against the wall ''without moving''?" :'''Detective Dan:''' "I'm Detective Dan." :'''Student ''[Bynes]'':''' "That explains nothing." <hr width=50%/> :'''Detective Dan:''' "Hello, Pizza Shack? I'd like a large pepperoni pizza with no pepperonis." <hr width=50%/> :'''Detective Dan:''' "Wait a minute! Where was ''I'' when this robbery was takin' place? Hmmmm...''boys''! Beat me, and then push me so I go flyin' out the window!" :''(The officers [Knowings and Tamberelli] accompanying Detective Dan do as he says.)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Bernie:''' "My name is Bernie Kibbitz. AND I NEED PANTS!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry Futile ''[the host of ''You Can't Win!'']'':''' "How many shoes?....Ooooo, ''wrong''! The answer was nine. Nine shoes." <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry Futile:''' "YOU...CAN'T...WIN!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry Futile:''' "True...or false? Oooo, ''wrong''! The correct answer is, that one was 'googly-googly-wick-wick-wick-wick'." <hr width=50%/> :'''Emily Maroon:''' "Wall...wall hit face. It hurt." <hr width=50%/> :'''Toby Braun:''' "I give you...The Board!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Toby Braun:''' "Forget that bicycle! Forget that treadmill! Forget that thing I was tryin' to sell you last week! The Board is the only piece of fitness equipment you and your loved ones will ever need!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Toby Braun:''' "Check the pulse...irregular; good!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Toby Braun:''' "With The Brute, you don't need a telephone!" :''(The Brute [guest star Ron Lester] destroys the telephone.)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''The Brute:''' "I like flowers." :'''Toby Braun:''' "ME, TOO!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Walter the Earboy:''' "WAIT A MINUTE! I know a guy who has huge ears like mine and everybody likes him! He'll tell me what I should do!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Superdude ''[Thompson]'':''' "Well, if it isn't Milk Man!" :'''Milk Man:''' "'Udderly' correct...Superdude! Hope my little visit doesn't ''sour'' your day!" :'''Superdude:''' "That's putting it mildly! Last time I saw you, you were rotting in prison!" :'''Milk Man:''' "And I have ''you'' to thank for ''putting'' me there! I hate when someone ''spoils'' my fun!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Jimmy Bond:''' "Wow, that is some penny!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Julio ''[Miss Piddlin's assistant]'':''' "Miss Piddlin? Here--here's more peas. Isn't that a lovely thing, more peas? I was just gonna set 'em down very slowly..." <hr width=50%/> :'''Tandy Spork:''' "Chocolate? Randy, once you've tasted the magical freshness of carrots, asparagus, broccoli, and green beans, you'll find that you won't even ''want'' to eat that nasty, silly chocolate anymore!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Mumbly Spice:''' "Flick in blob, a wig a wang jang blang; I mean, pop music, if it is, puh-tuh, hmmm, I mean cleeto, please, clang, you know." ===[[w:Kenan Thompson|Kenan Thompson]]=== :'''Superdude:''' "I'm Superdude, teenage superhero with powers that amaze the stupid." <hr width=50%/> :'''Superdude:''' "I'm Superdude, the teenage superhero with powers that make women sweat!" :'''Sweaty Woman ''[Denberg]'':''' "It's true!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Superdude:''' "I'm Superdude, the teenage superhero with powers that can make hamsters dance!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Superdude:''' "I'm Superdude, the teenage superhero who's always in the right place at the right time!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Superdude''': ''[usually after his intro]'' "I also enjoy...fluffy stuffed animals, and...soft kisses, and...chatting on the phone long-distance." <hr width=50%/> :'''Nasty Nancy''': "You'd be nasty, too, iffin' you was a cowboy named...'Nancy'." <hr width=50%/> :'''Mavis:''' "Hey, Clavis, wake up; the show is over." :'''Clavis ''[Mitchell]'':''' "Oh, yeah; kick it!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Piddlin:''' "Miss Piddlin almost let her bad temper and delicate mental conditions get the better of her!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Piddlin:''' "Taste the peas! C'mon, little angel! Tell Miss Piddlin whatcha think of the peas!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Piddlin:''' "Careful, Miss Piddlin, don't lose your pea cool." <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Piddlin:''' "JULIO!!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Piddlin:''' "Well, if you don't wanna eat peas, don't eat nothin' at all!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Piddlin:''' "Miss Piddlin is back--with her special salad. I like to call it...peas!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Spice Cube ''[formerly Burt Spice]'':''' ''[rapping]'' "''Fuzzy little bunny, all cute and sweet; cuddly little rabbit, come play with me! Your ears are floppy, and your whiskers, they bend! You're so cute and fuzzy; won't you be my friend? Booooy!''" <hr width=50%/> :'''Spice Boys fan ''[Leon Frierson]'':''' "Will you guys sign my Spice Boy dolls for me? I got 'em all; they're so cool!" :'''Spice Cube:''' "Oh, look how adorable your cute little dolls are! Of course we can sign your dolls...I mean, uh, they--they look real tough, ya know what I'm sayin'? Punks? Punks!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Other character ''[Saul]'':''' "Yeah, my question is for ''Burt'' Spice. Um, Burt...what's with your name?" :'''Burt Spice:''' "What do--what do you mean?" :'''Other character ''[Saul]'':''' "Well, you know, uh, Hairy Spice is hairy, and Dead Spice is, well, not living." :''(Dead Spice is a skeleton.)'' :'''Other character ''[Saul]'':''' "You're just ''Burt'' Spice; now, don't you think that's kinda lame?" :'''Burt Spice:''' "Well, uh...no; the Spice Boys, we're all about music and boy power and friction. Trust me, nobody cares about my ''name''." <hr width=50%/> :''[Ishboo is a phony foreign exchange student.]'' :'''Other character ''[Denberg]'':''' "Ishboo...where ''are'' you ''from''?" :'''Ishboo:''' "Thank you for asking!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Ishboo:''' ''[to the security guard]'' "Look at my swinging jewel. When I snap my fingers you will leave quietly." ''(Security guard falls asleep.)'' :'''Ishboo''': "Oh, well; close enough." <hr width=50%/> :'''Ishboo:''' ''(to Dr. Prober [Mitchell])'' "Look at my swinging jewel. When I snap my fingers you will put the needle down and walk out the door." :''(Dr. Prober slams the needle down, sits on it, and yells, slamming everything down and running out of the door.)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Ishboo:''' "In my foreign land, it is only proper that the guests sleep in the bed, and that ''you'' sleep on the ''floor''!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Kay ''[Bates]'':''' ''[She and Ishboo are on a date, and she has just watched him dance]'' "Oh, Ishboo, where did you learn to dance like that? In your foreign land?" :'''Ishboo:''' "Yes; when I was a small Ishboo, I accidentally sat on a hot stove. The excruciating butt pain taught me how to wiggle myself!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Bill Cosby:''' "Eat at least one gallon of yellow pudding every day." <hr width=50%/> :''(As a result of Angelique Bates's departure from ''All That'', Mandy is no longer on the ''Cooking With Randy & Mandy'' sketch.) :'''Randy:''' "Well, we all know how much Mandy loved chocolate. Unfortunately, during a recent chocolatey-wild weekend, Mandy lost her mind and consumed 479 pounds of pure milk chocolate. Last I heard, Mandy was locked away in a chocolate rehabilitation facility. We wish her well." <hr width=50%/> :'''Randy:''' ''[after tasting his dish, 'Burrito Surprise'--a chocolate-covered burrito]'' "That makes me wanna sing!" ''[singing to the tune of 'La Cucaracha']'' "''La chocolata, la chocolata''...all right! Now, the next dish that I have prepared for you is called 'chocolate on top of chocolate, smothered in chocolate'." <hr width=50%/> :'''Antoine:''' "What it is." <hr width=50%/> :'''Bradley the Big Ol' Baby:''' "Three pounds of applesauce. Bradley want three pounds of applesauce." <hr width=50%/> :'''Milton Querie ''[host of Family Vs. Family]'':''' "Now, our categories are...movies...famous forks...trousers...and things that go 'moo'." <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry Futile:''' "Question number 5...blippity-blippity-booty-loo, blippity-blippity-moo." :'''Antoine:''' "Wait, did you just say 'blippity-blippity-booty-loo, blippity-blippity-moo'?" :'''Jerry Futile:''' "That is correct; now, what is your answer?" :'''Antoine:''' "Uh...meatloaf?" :'''Megan ''[Bynes]'':''' "74!" :'''Shelley ''[Reyes]'':''' "Is it a...kangaroo?" :''[The buzzer sounds.]'' :'''Jerry Futile:''' "Ooooo, WRONG! I'm sorry; the answer was 'meatloaf.'" :'''Antoine:''' "But, I ''said'' 'meatloaf'! Didn't y'all hear Antoine say 'meatloaf'?!" :'''Shelley:''' "Yup, he said 'meatloaf'." :'''Jerry Futile:''' "But, I didn't hear him. Sorry." <hr width=50%/> :'''Coldfinger:''' "Look at my finger! It is ''so'' cold! Feel it! C'mon, feel how cold it is!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Principal Pimpell:''' "As principal of Dullmont Junior High School, Principal William...Baines...Pimpell!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Principal Pimpell''': ''[while teaching the "gifted" class]'' "Now, these little black 'squiggles' are symbols called 'letters'. Now, now, together, these letters form visual representations of ''words'', like, for example, let me see...'coconut'! 'Coconut' is a word. Can anybody say, 'coconut'?" :'''Student ''[Denberg]'':''' "C-C-C-''scissors''?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Principal Pimpell:''' ''[singing to the tune of ''Dry Bones'']'' "''The finger bone's connected to the...shin bone! The shin bone's connected to the...brain bone!"'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Officer Ulcer ''[of the U. S. S. Spaceship]'':''' "Aw! ''Nobody'' stops ''my'' engines cold!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Lester Oaks, Construction Worker:''' "My name is Lester Oaks, Construction Worker!" <hr width=50%/> :''[appeared in the All That Tenth Anniversary Special Good Burger sketch]'' :'''Lester Oaks, Construction Worker''': Crunch bunny! ====Everyday French With Pierre Escargot==== :''[Each of these is the "translation" of a French phrase.]'' *There are small children in my nose. *May I blow my nose in your sandwich? *I want to shave your back. *My father's name is Stephanie. *You look like Stephanie, but you smell like Robert. *I'm sorry; I thought that was ''my'' pocket. *What time is it, and why do you smell like cheese? *Why is your butt talking? *''(after speaking an unusually long French phrase in which he mentions actor/singer Patrick Swayze [1952-2009])'' How are you? *Hey! Who put that bacon fat on my toilet seat? *Who are you, and why are you wearing my Daddy's panties? *I'm from Minnesota, and my name is ''Winnifred''! *Thanks for buttering my squirrel. *I thought you said this was pudding! *Who broke the pickle pump? *Kiss me! Squeeze me! Call me "Mrs. Beasley"! *Oh no! The babysitter exploded! *Monkeys are tickling my tummy. *May I take a nap in your nose? *I have not showered in 36 days! *Kiss me under the baloney tree! *Take those pork chops out of your brassiere! *Hey! Stop licking my kangaroo! *I enjoyed meeting your sister in prison! *I'm a pretty little girl. *May I pop my pimple on your lasagna? *Excuse me! I am not a drinking fountain! *Wow! How did you get an onion in there? *Pardon me, but this tissue has already been used. *Thanks for the lovely used tissue! *Please remove your banjo from my belly button. *Oh, no! The macaroni is infected! *I told you I had gas. *Merry Christmas! May I get you a cup of hot fat? *That's not an elf, that's my grandmother! *Hey! Look what the reindeer left on my roof! *That's not bubblegum! That's Porkboy the Breakfast Monkey! *Keep your hands off my chicken nuggets! *Mmmm! This men's room smells wonderful. *Who said you could live in my toilet? *Your grandfather looks pretty in that wedding dress. *This looks like mustard, but it tastes like ''you''! *Oh, no! It shrunk! *Where is the library and why is your nose filled with ointment? *Your wallpaper is making my eyebrows explode. *You look different. Did you brush your nose hair? *Don't cry. It's only a rectangle. ===[[w:Kel Mitchell|Kel Mitchell]]=== :'''Ed:''' "Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger; can I take your order?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Ed:''' "Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Is there anything in my nose?" :'''Customer ''[guest star Tracy Lynn Sullivan]'':''' "I don't ''know''." :''(She leaves in disgust.)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Ed:''' ''[singing]'' "''I'm a dude, he's a dude, she's a dude, 'cause we're all dudes, hey!''" <hr width=50%/> :'''Ed:''' "Uhhh...no?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Ed:''' "That'll be eight bucks." <hr width=50%/> :'''Customer ''[Server]'':''' "Hi, I'd like a Good Punch." :'''Ed:''' "Okay." ''[Ed punches the customer in the face, KO-ing him.]'' :''[The customer awakens a few minutes later.]'' :'''Customer:''' "Why did you hit me? All I did was ask for a Good Punch!" ''[Ed knocks him out again.]'' :''[The customer wakes up again.]'' :'''Customer:''' "Okay, I think I've got it now. I keep asking for a Good Punch, and you keep hitting me repeatedly, with that in mind. I would like to order one Good ''Soda''. That is S-O-...D-A...soda." :'''Ed:''' "One Good Soda." :'''Customer:''' "Right." ''[Ed punches him out again.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Pizzaface:''' "Hey! Don't bag on Walter like that!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Pizzaface:''' "I'm Pizzaface...Walter's friend." <hr width=50%/> :'''Okrah:''' "Today on the Okrah show, you'll be entertained by other people's tragic lives." <hr width=50%/> :'''Lump Maroon:''' ''[only dialogue]'' "Jupiterrrrrrrrr!" <hr width=50%/> :''(Lump and his brother Emily and sister Chuck [Reyes] have knocked down their neighbor [Thompson], who has returned Emily's missing trousers.)'' :'''Emily Maroon:''' "We knocked down Grandma!" :'''Neighbor:''' "Look! I ain't your Grandma! All right?! I'm not related to you Maroons in any way!" :'''Lump Maroon''': "Jupiter." :'''Neighbor:''' ''[pointing to Lump]'' "Especially ''him''!" <hr width=50%/> :''(Mavis [Thompson] and Clavis [Mitchell] are sitting in the audience, while laughing at one of Bynes's and Server's "Squash Boy" sketches.)'' :'''Clavis:''' "Ya hear that, Mavis? They're callin' for somebody named 'SQUASH BOY'!" :'''Mavis:''' "Yeah...''that's'' funny! Never heard of a boy...made entirely outta squash...''before''!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Baggin' Saggin' Barry ''[Thompson]'':''' "I thought I had the biggest, baggiest pants in the world...then I met Baggin' Saggin' ''Mary''." :''(Earlier, the other students at Dullmont Jr. High School had asked Baggin' Saggin' Barry and Baggin' Saggin' Mary [Reyes] to pull various objects out of their pants; one of the things was a white TV set with red polka-dots. Mary also had a remote control, but Barry didn't. Before that, one of the students [Denberg] had requested pumpkin juice, and Barry had only a pumpkin to give her. Mary, however, ''did'' have a can of pumpkin juice, and she was sure that her trousers could hold more things than his could.)'' :'''Clavis:''' "You've been blessed with magic trousers. Use your gift. You just gotta reach deep down in your pants...and pull out things you never knew you had. Reach down deep." <hr width=50%/> :'''Coach Kreeton:''' "Oh, the life I live is sad!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Coach Kreeton:''' "No...no...NO! ''Don't dance like a buncha crazy dancin' people''! This is ''volleyball'', not one of them rock'n'roll videos with the...hoodlum music!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Coach Kreeton:''' "Aww, my happiness is a memory!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Coach Kreeton:''' "Hehe! Hehe! Hehe! Goooood..." <hr width=50%/> :'''Coach Kreeton:''' "Why must you upset me in ways I can't understand?!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Coach Kreeton:''' "I demand to see your hall, pass, ticket, slip!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Coach Kreeton:''' "All right; now, tell me what's in your book...pack...bag...sack!" <hr width=50%/> :''(Principal Pimpell has called a meeting with Miss Fingerly [Denberg], Tandy Spork [Server], Mr. Treble [Zack McLemore], Coach Kreeton [Mitchell], and Janitor Gaseous [Tamberelli], to find someone to fill in as principal of Dullmont Jr. High School for him while he is away, having his pimple removed.)'' :'''Coach Kreeton:''' "Oh, yeah; celebrate! Celebrate! It's about ''time'' ya popped that pimple! Oh, every time I look at it, it makes me think of the ''Moon''! Oh, I'm so happy! The only thing worser than that ol' crazy-lookin' pimple...is my sad...miserable life." <hr width=50%/> :'''Butter Boy:''' "Superdude, why don't you rub up against me?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Alan:''' "Welcome to Cereal Critics, with Alan and Allen. I'm Alan, A-L-A-N." :'''Allen ''[Server]'':''' "And I'm Allen, A-double L-E-N." :'''Alan:''' "This morning, we're talking about...what else?" :'''Both ''[in unison]'':''' "CEREAL!" :'''Alan:''' "The first cereal on our list is...Lucky Germs. I think we have a clue. Let's take a look." :''[A video of them eating Lucky Germs cereal is shown.] :'''Allen:''' "I found Lucky Germs good-tasting and fun; even ''whimsical'', if you will." :'''Alan:''' "I ''won't''. I started out skeptical because of their scary jingle...♪''Frosted Lucky Germs'', ''they're tragically contagious''♪...what's with that?" :'''Allen:''' "Heh-''lo'', the jingle's a joke. If I lent you five bucks, would you ''buy'' yourself a sense of humor?" :'''Alan:''' "No, but I'd buy some...''antacid''. I'm still gassy." :'''Allen:''' "Thank you, Mr. Cranky Colon. Well, anyway, I say, 'spoons up'." :'''Alan:''' ''[makes a buzzer noise]'' "The correct response is, 'spoons down'." <hr width=50%/> :''[Repairman has just dropped through the ceiling, making a mess.]'' :'''[Other character]:''' "What was that?" :'''Repairman:''' "That was me! I'm...Repairmanman-man-man-man-man!" :'''[Other character]:''' "What's with the echo?" :'''Repairman:''' "Echo my butt!" <hr width=50%/> :'''[Other character]:''' "What's with the echo?" :'''Repairman:''' "Echo schmecho!" <hr width=50%/> :'''[Other character]:''' "What's with the echo?" :'''Repairman:''' "Go away!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Repairman:''' ''[noticing that a family's lamp is flickering]'' "Looks like lamp trouble; I can fix that for ya jiffy-quick!" :'''Father ''[Kevin Kopelow]'':''' "Please don't repair it." :'''Repairman:''' "But I must; I'm...Repairman-man-man-man-man-man!" :'''Mother ''[Denberg]'':''' "He's being very gentle." :''[Repairman "repairs" the lamp.]'' :'''Older daughter ''[Reyes]'':''' "Daddy! What is he ''doing''?!" :'''Repairman:''' "That lamp won't be giving you any more trouble; I repaired it!" :'''Father:''' "No. No, you didn't. You killed it." :'''Younger daughter ''[Johnson]'':''' "You squashed our helpless lamp!" :'''Repairman:''' "It was nothing!" :'''Mother:''' "It was horrible! You're a ''bad'' repairman!" :''[The rest of the family stares at her.]'' :'''Mother:''' "...-man-man-man-man-''man''!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Commander Feeble ''[Server]'':''' ''[of Repairman's "repairs" to the U. S. S. Inferior space shuttle]'' "LET'S GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE HE REPAIRS US ALL!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Kay:''' "All right, all right, it's the one, it's the only, but never lonely, Diggy-Diggy-Dr. Kay! Hey, if you parents out there have any questions about your kids, make my telephone dance; let's go! Say 'Hey', to Diggy-Diggy-Dr. Kay!" :'''Man on the phone:''' "Hey, uh, hey, Dr. Kay, listen, uh, I have a 9-year-old son, and, well, he keeps puttin' on his sister's clothes. What do I do?" :'''Dr. Kay:''' "Uh, puts on his sister's clothes. Uh, what's the name?" :'''Man on the phone:''' "Steven." :'''Dr. Kay:''' "Tell me, does Steven look good in a dress?" :'''Man on the phone:''' "Yes, he does." :'''Dr. Kay:''' "A 9-year-old son, wears his sister's clothes...Dr. Kay's advice; call the boy 'Stephanie'! Problem solved!" :''[He rings his gong with his slingshot.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Prober:''' ''[during Ishboo's checkup]'' "Let me just check your ears. That's all right." :''[He checks Ishboo's left ear, and sees Ren and Stimpy, from ''The Ren & Stimpy Show''; they are screaming while blasting off into outer space.]'' :'''Dr. Prober:''' "Oh! Let me check the other one." :'''Ishboo:''' "Okey-dokey." :''[He checks Ishboo's right ear, and sees a polar bear.]'' <hr width=50%/> :''(A boy named Jake Feta has just used a "cheese fizz", and has thus been arrested by the Cheese Police.)'' :'''Jake Feta ''[Thompson]'':''' ''[to Officer Jack Colby, of the Cheese Police]'' "But you said we were friends!" :'''Officer Jack Colby:''' "Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I once said I was Dorothy from ''The Wizard Of Oz''. But ya don't see Toto...do ya?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Officer Jack Colby:''' "Man. If it isn't one cheese, it's another other! It's another other! I'm...on my way!" ===[[w:Lori Beth Denberg|Lori Beth Denberg]]=== :'''Herself ''[on Vital Information]'': *"If your face looks like a fig, and it's your birthday...then happy birthday, fig face!" :''[The audience laughs.]'' :"Thank you." *"Mirror, mirror, on the wall...LOOK AT ME; I'M A PERSON TALKIN' TO A PIECE OF GLASS!" *"If you're lucky enough to have a hammer...please...don't hammer in the mornin'." *"When it rains, it pours. When it snows...it's ''cold''." *"If you're on TV, giving out vital information, and your phone rings...don't answer it." *"It's not...'okay' to eat breakfast cereal out of your underpants." *"If you're on a first date with someone, never stick your finger in their spaghetti, twirl it, and holler, 'Looky, date; I'm makin' s'ghetti circles!'" *"''Twinkle, twinkle, little star; how I wonder''...how in the world that ''song'' ever became so ''popular''." *"There's no ''real reason'' to play basketball naked." *"Never spit on someone and then say, 'That's what spit feels like'." *"If you're drinking apple juice, and it feels warm...odds are, that ain't apple juice." *"If your friend's Mom asks you what you'd like to drink, don't say, 'Oh, nothin'. My mouth's fulla '''spit''''." *"The early bird gets the worm. Fine! I don't ''want'' the worm!" *"''Never'' put underwear on your head, and say to people, 'I'm little Nancy, and this my ''pretty'' new hat'." *"It is better to sit there and ''look'' stupid...than it is to stand up, open your mouth, and announce, 'HEY, I'M ''DEFINITELY'' STUPID!'" <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Fingerly:''' "The classroom is no place to exchange ideas and information!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Fingerly:''' "The classroom is no place for research." <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Fingerly:''' "The classroom is no place for enjoying yourself." <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Fingerly:''' "Good afternoon, students. I trust you all enjoyed lunch. I ''myself'' consumed a ''tasty'' chicken pot pie. Teachers love chicken pie...''cock-a-doodle-pie''!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Loud Librarian:''' "QUIET! THIS IS A LIBRARY!" ''(blows airhorn)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Herself:''' "I want a rhinoceros...carved out of pure gold!"* <hr width=50%/> :'''Santa Claus:''' "So, Lori Beth, have you been a good girl this year?" :'''Lori Beth:''' "Hmmm, no." :'''Santa Claus:''' "Bye-bye!" :'''Lori Beth:''' "Seeya, Santa." <hr width=50%/> :'''Sweaty Woman:''' "You two couldn't be more wrong! It's Superdude!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Fingerly:''' "The classroom is no place for hiney-slappin'!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Loud Librarian:''' "Noisy! I thought I told you no talking! You talk, you walk!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Loud Librarian:''' "SILENCE! QUIET! STIFLE! HUSH! SHHH!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Loud Librarian:''' "SILENCE! NEVER ENTER THIS LIBRARY AGAIN!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Loud Librarian:''' ''[after closing the door and ringing the bell that she has recently put on it]'' "HUSH, BELL! THIS IS A LIBRARY, NOT A RINGAMERRARIUM!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Fingerly:''' "SILENCE! THIS IS A LIBRARY! NOT A SNEEZE HALL!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Loud Librarian:''' "QUIET! THIS IS A LIBRARY! NOT A TALKATORIUM!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Loud Librarian:''' "I SAID 'SHUSH'! CAN'T YOU HEAR MY WORDS?!" :'''Other character ''[Knowings]'':''' "You are not a very good librarian." <hr width=50%/> :'''Loud Librarian:''' "EVERYONE, QUIET! YOU SQUEAK...I FREAK!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Other character [Bynes]:''' "I'm sorry. I thought this was the library--" :'''Loud Librarian:''' "WRONG! THIS IS THE ''LIBRARY'', AND THAT MEANS NO NOISE! WHAT KIND OF LUNATIC ARE YOU?!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Connie Muldoon:''' "I was never ''in'' my car! We Muldoons don't believe in motor vehicles!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Herself:''' ''[singing]'' "''I'm so proud of my new bunny; he wiggles his nose, and eats my honey; he tickles my toes, I tickle his tummy; and that's why I'm so proud. Proud, proud, proud; bunny, bunny, bunny...''" ===[[w:Katrina Johnson|Katrina Johnson]]=== :''(Susie, from a form of the Girl Scouts known as the Little Pansies, who wear pink uniforms, is trying to sell her cookies to a man named Bernie [Mitchell] and his wife [Bates]; she has just climbed in through their window after Bernie rejected her at the front door.)'' :'''Susie:''' "Okay, here is the deal; buy 30 boxes of Fudgy Clots, and I'll knock of 3%!" :''(Each box of Little Pansy cookies costs $5; this would cost $145.50 altogether.)'' :'''Bernie:''' "What do you think you're doin'?" :'''Susie:''' "Selling Little Pansy cookies! Haven't I made that clear?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Bernie's wife:''' "Times sure have changed; when I was young, we were never pushy Pansies." <hr width=50%/> :'''Susie:''' "Did I mention that Lulu Creams are made with real synthetic nougat?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Ross Perot:''' Did you know I'm freakishly rich? I mean, I got over $4 billion. <hr width=50%/> :'''Perot:''' ''[looks hungrily at Pizzaface]'' How can I concentrate with that dee-licious pizza starin' at me? <hr width=50%/> :'''Perot:''' Look at me, I'm in a bathtub full of money. I'm a sawed-off freak, takin' a $4 billion jacuzzi! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dorothy:''' What about me, Mr. Cosby? What about my shower? :'''Cosby ''[Thompson]'':''' Well, you see, Dorothy, a shower is like a box of peanuts that you sit on with your wife Camille. And the grapefruit, and the avocados, and the little children running around in the neighborhood. Purty, purty, purty. Purty, purty, purty. And then, your big toe swells up in your underpants. <hr width=50%/> :'''Lemonade Scammer:''' ''[after giving a customer free but spicy peanuts]'' "Those peanuts were soaked overnight in jalapeño pepper juice. I call 'em 'jalapeanuts'. Is that cute, or what?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Lemonade Scammer:''' ''[to a customer]'' "Thirsty?" :'''Customer ''[Server]'':''' "Lemonade, please." :'''Lemonade Scammer:''' "Five bucks." :'''Customer:''' "Five bucks? That's a lot of money." :'''Lemonade Scammer:''' "Well, you seem a lot of thirsty." <hr width=50%/> :'''Lemonade Scammer:''' ''[crying, while holding an audience member's puppy]'' "My Mom said, if I don't sell enough lemonade, she'll sell my puppy!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Lemonade Scammer:''' ''[crying]'' "I went to all the trouble to find your golf ball, and you won't even buy any lemonade!" <hr width=50%/> :''[someone has asked about lactose-intolerant; Johnson's character appears from inside of a grocery display]'' :'''Sally:''' Superdude is lactose-intolerant. That means he can be harmed by dairy products. :'''Woman:''' You mean like ham? :'''Sally:''' No. Ham is meat. Dairy products include milk, butter, cream, cheese, cream cheese, and... :'''YoGurl''': Yogurt! <hr width=50%/> :'''Sally:''' I've got a squeegee! <hr width=50%/> :'''Sally:''' You're the best, Superdude, even if you ''are'' lactose-intolerant. <hr width=50%/> ===[[w:Alisa Reyes|Alisa Reyes]]=== :''[Kiki and Fran are stranded on an uncharted island.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Fran ''[Denberg]'':''' "Kiki, we've been on this island for three years..." :'''Kiki:''' ''[singsong]'' "''Three years, two months, one wee-eek!''" <hr width=50%/> :'''Kiki:''' ''[singing]'' "Fran's here, and I'm here, and you're here, and you're gonna be heeeeeere...forrrrrever-" :'''Fran ''[Denberg]'':''' "Stop it." :'''Kiki:''' "--and ever--" :'''Fran:''' "Stop it!" :'''Kiki:''' "--and ever--" :'''Fran:''' "STOP IT!" :'''Kiki:''' "--and ever--" :''[Fran knocks herself out.]'' :'''Kiki:''' "--and ever...." ===[[w:Angelique Bates|Angelique Bates]]=== :'''Mandy:''' "Mmmm; the chocolate does wonders for the nails." <hr width=50%/> :'''Mandy:''' "Looks like it's raining chocolate syrup. And...can it be snowing chocolate sprinkles?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Penny Lane:''' ''[to Superdude]'' "No, the milk will harm you! You're lactose-intolerant!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Jaleel White ''[as Steve Urkel]'':''' "Surprise! Ha-ha, did I do thaaaaaat?" <hr width=50%/> ===[[w:Amanda Bynes|Amanda Bynes]]=== :'''Ashley:''' ''[starts to read a letter]'' "Dear Ashley..." That's me! <hr width=50%/> :'''Springs:''' ''[sings]'' I'm a teeny-weeny bopper-beany, I'm so nice and he's so meany! <hr width=50%/> :''[Alien Thumtax has just fired on the U. S. S. Spaceship, which is helmed by 10-year-old Captain Tantrum]'' :'''Captain Tantrum:''' ''[wails]'' "You hurt my spaceship! WAAAAAAAAH!" :'''Officer Canker ''[Server]'':''' "Oh, nice goin', Thumtax! You made our little captain cry!" :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "You, you fired lasers at me, and I'm just a little girl!" :'''Thumtax ''[Denberg]'':''' "I--I'm sorry. How was I supposed to know that your captain was a little girl? I'm sorry, lil' Cap'n. I didn't mean to harm your ship; I--what can I do to make you feel better, sweetie?" :'''Captain Tantrum:''' ''[sniffles]'' "Lower your shields." :'''Thumtax:''' "But, I--" :'''Captain Tantrum:''' ''[wails]'' "WAAAAAAAAAH!" :'''Thumtax:''' "All right. Lower shields." :'''One of Thumtax's minions:''' "Shields down." :'''Thumtax:''' ''[to Captain Tantrum]'' "All right, dear; our shields are down. Is that better?" :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "I guess so." :'''Captain Tantrum:''' ''[to Singo and Officer Canker]'' "FIRE MAIN LASERS!" :'''Singo ''[Mitchell]'':''' ''[sings]'' "Firin' lasers!" :''[He and Officer Canker fire the lasers at Thumtax's ship.]'' :'''Thumtax:''' ''[screams, in the destruction of her ship]'' :'''Singo:''' ''[singing]'' "Captain, that was brilliant; Captain, that was brilliant!" :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "Status report, Officer Canker." :'''Officer Canker:''' "Alien ship dee-stroyed." :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "Excellent! Take us out of here, Singo. Heading 2614, mark 2." :'''Officer Canker:''' "But, but, Captain, we're supposed to be heading to Jupiter. That mark will take us directly to some place called...Happy...''Toyland''..." :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "Soooo?" :'''Singo:''' "We don't have time to go to Happy Toyland...no..." :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "BUT I WANNA GO TO HAPPY TOYLAND! I WANNA GO TO HAPPY TOYLAND!..." <hr width=50%/> :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "Porkus II?! That planet is entirely inhabited by...Pigginoids!" :'''Sosumi ''[Reyes]'':''' "Pigginoids?! No! I was harmed and taunted by Pigginoids when I was a little girl!" :'''Captain Tantrum:''' ''[singsong]'' "''No one cares...''" <hr width=50%/> :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "Hey! You aliens! This is Captain Tantrum, of the U. S. S. Spaceship! ♪Whatcha doin'?♪" <hr width=50%/> :''(The U. S. S. Spaceship is under attack by an alien named Velcro, who is made of what his name indicates.)'' :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "Who are ''you''?" :'''Velcro ''[guest star Kevin Carlson]'':''' "I...am Velcro. And I am angry." :''(He removes his neutral mouth and replaces it with his angry mouth.)'' :'''Velcro:''' "See?" :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "All right, VELCRO! Why have you attacked us?!" :'''Velcro:''' "I have issues!" :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "Okay. But...will you please not attack us again?" :'''Lt. Fondue ''[Knowings]'':''' "Oh, ''sure''! You're all polite to ''him''..." <hr width=50%/> :'''Ashley:''' "Our next letter comes from...Mary Schmid, of Butler, Pennsylvania. Mary writes...'Dear Ashley'...thaaaat's me! 'Dear Ashley, for reason, people never pay any attention to me. No one seems to care about me, or anything that I have to say. How come everyone always ignores me?" :''[Ashley puts the letter down.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Ashley:''' "Our next letter comes from...Lisa Lillian, of Queens, New York. Lisa writes...'Dear Ashley'...thaaaat's me! 'Dear Ashley, my name is Lisa. I just bought a new sweater. It is green. Sincerely, Lisa.'" :''[long pause]'' :'''Ashley:''' "WHO STINKIN' CARES?! This is called 'ASK Ashley'! Not 'BORE Ashley to Stinkin' Death'!" :'''Ashley:''' ''[mocking]'' "''Gee, I'm Lisa Lillian! And I just bought a new sweater! It is green! I'm a moron'', and blah-dee-blah-dee-blah-dee-blah-dee-BLAH!" <hr width=50%/> :''(Dr. Debbie is a cheerleading doctor.)'' :'''Dr. Debbie:''' "Pain, pain, go away; come again...NEVER!" ===[[w:Danny Tamberelli|Danny Tamberelli]]=== :'''Janitor Gaseous:''' "Squat and rot!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Campbell:''' "I'm gonna collect all this evidence...with my face!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Campbell:''' "I'm Jack Campbell, Fat Cop!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Francis the Caveman:''' "Me Francis, and I'm a caveman." <hr width=50%/> :''(An alien named Crouton [Tamberelli] is attacking the U. S. S. Spaceship; he has the power to telepathically control the ship and its crew.)'' :'''Crouton:''' "Now, surrender your ship." :'''Captain Tantrum ''[Bynes]'':''' "NEVER!" :'''Crouton:''' "Then I will make you do more unpleasant things!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Singo ''[Mitchell]'':''' ''[singing]'' "''Things aren't good...things are bad...Singo's feeling very sad...''" :'''Crouton ''[groaning]'':''' "Stop it!" :'''Captain Tantrum:''' "Did you ''see'' that? Singo! Sing something else!" :'''Singo:''' ''[singing]'' "''Okay, Captain, have no fear; just tell me what you wanna hear!''" :'''Crouton ''[groaning]'':''' "Stop the singing; it's ''killing me''!" :'''Officer Canker ''[Server]'':''' "Wait a minute. Whenever Singo sings...it harms Crouton!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Hairy Spice:''' "Sweaty, you better be careful around all this electrical equipment; I mean, you're just dripping in sweat. And everybody knows that water and electricity...''don't mix''." ===[[w:Christy Knowings|Christy Knowings]]=== :'''Jessica:''' "And, like, my name is Jessica; ''rrrr''!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Winter Wonders:''' "I'm Winter Wonders, and this is the game show called ''What Do You Do?'', where our panel tries to figure out what some kid does." <hr width=50%/> :'''Lt. Fondue ''[of the U. S. S. Spaceship]'':''' "Captain! What is we gonna do?!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Lt. Fondue:''' "Captain! I'm receivin' a trans-mishy-on from the alien ship that attack-ed-ed us!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Miss Piddlin ''[Thompson]'':''' "I see you had my Julio bring in your carrots." :'''Miss Toodle ''[Miss Piddlin's lunch lady rival]'':''' "Uh-huh, 'cause ya know, children love them some carrots, more than anything." <hr width=50%/> :''(It is Science Day at Dullmont Jr. High School, and none of the students except Tilly [Bynes] did a science project. Ms. Ernestine Klump, the teacher, chooses Jasper to go first.)'' :'''Jasper ''[Thompson]'':''' "Um, this is a stick." :''[He breaks the stick in half.]'' :'''Jasper:''' "Now, it's two sticks." :'''Ms. Klump:''' "Oooo! Very good, Jasper! That science project will have ''many'' uses in the ''computer'' industry!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Ms. Klump:''' "Now, our next show and tell student is Thrack Morton." :'''Thrack ''[Saul]'':''' "Well, for show and tell today, I brought my new...instant juicer! My Uncle Wayne gave it to me, for Nephew Day." :''(Thrack places his juicing machine on Ms. Klump's desk, and takes out a bowl containing several oranges and cups.)'' :'''Ms. Klump:''' "Wow! A juicer; well, that's terrific! Now, what does it do?" :'''Thrack:''' "Well, first, you put the fruit in on top, like this." :''(He puts an orange into the juicer.)'' :'''Thrack:''' "Then, you press the button." :''(He does so, and the juice from the orange pours into the cup that he has placed near the spout.)'' :'''Thrack:''' "And, voilà...juice!" :''(He hands the juice to one of the other students ''[Thompson]''.)'' :'''Thrack:''' "Here, try some." :'''Other student:''' ''[after tasting the orange juice]'' "Mmmm! It tastes like sunshine on a Saturday morning!" ===[[w:Leon Frierson|Leon Frierson]]=== :'''Leroy:''' "Hey; my name's Leroy." :'''Fuzz ''[a blue puppet]'':''' "And my name is ''Fuzz''!" :''[He laughs.]'' :'''Fuzz:''' "How ya doin', Leroy?" :'''Leroy:''' "Anyway, today we're here to talk about somethin' that irritates ''me''. I'm talkin' about ''vegetables''." :'''Fuzz:''' "Leroy, did I just hear you say you don't like vegetables?" :'''Leroy:''' "You wanna make somethin' of it?" :'''Fuzz:''' "Well, gee; no...sorry." :'''Leroy:''' "I know. Now, like I was sayin', before I was so ''rudely'' interrupted by the big-mouthed ''puppet''..." :''[He casts a sideways glance at Fuzz.]'' :'''Leroy:'''...vegetables are ''nasty''." :'''Fuzz:''' "But, Leroy, vegetables are good for you. They're full of ''vitamins and happiness''!" :''[He laughs.]'' :'''Fuzz:''' "And they ''taste'' great, too!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Leroy:''' "Fuzz, we're not done yet. We should have a blow-dryer." :'''Fuzz:''' "A blow-dryer? But that's not a blow-dryer; that's an industrial strength leaf-blower!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Fuzz:''' ''[singing]'' "''Mi-mi-mi...oh, I like to scrub in the tub, 'cause I can play in the bubbles, and wash away my troubles; oh, bath-time sure is fun!''" <hr width=50%/> :'''Fuzz:''' "Kids gotta have a bedtime, so they get plenty of sleep! Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep--" :'''Leroy:''' "You on some kinda medical problem?!" :'''Fuzz:''' "Yes." :'''Leroy:''' "It ''figures''." <hr width=50%/> <hr width=50%/> :'''Billy Fuco:''' "I'M BILLY FUCO!" <hr width=50%/> :''[There has been a long arguement over which Cloudy Knight singer should be top-billed.]'' :'''C.J.:''' "Have y'all caught the midnight train to ''Georgia''? Now, I'm the cutest, and I got the biggest afro, so we will continue to be called...'C.J. and the Cloudy Knights.'" ===[[w:Nick Cannon|Nick Cannon]]=== :'''LaTanya:''' "Okaaaaay!" <hr width=50%/> :'''LaTanya:''' "It's time to get our freak on!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Quik'N'Fast customer ''[Saul]'':''' "Can I just buy these breath mints!" :'''LaTanya:''' "Ugh! You ''need'' 'em, Mr. ''Garbage'' Mouth!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Sweaty Spice:''' "Boy Power!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Sweaty Spice:''' "Look, Burt; this just ain't workin'. ''Sorry''..." <hr width=50%/> ===[[w:Mark Saul|Mark Saul]]=== :'''Yearbook photographer ''[Server]'':''' "That's him! That's the little ''hooligan'' that tied me up and hid me under the ''desk''!" :'''Stuart:''' "Fine, I'm not the real ''yearbook photographer''. I'm just a guy named Stuart. But you know something? If I was the real ''yearbook photographer'', I'd be the best ''yearbook photographer'' IN ALL THE LAND! People would come up to me and say 'Oh, Stuart, you're the best ''yearbook photographer''...EVER!!!!!' You all sicken me!! Now I'm going to get on my pterodactyl and go. C'mon, Terence." <hr width=50%/> :'''Stuart:''' ''[Pretends to take a student's picture with a life-sized replica of an iguana]'' "That picture's gonna come out just great!" :'''Student ''[Bynes]'':''' "But, that's not a camera; that's an iguana." :'''Stuart:''' "You can't prove that!" :'''Stuart ''[to the iguana]'':''' "She doesn't know what she's talking about, Mr. Camera." :'''Student ''[Bynes]'':''' "Look, nut! ''This'' is a camera, and ''that's'' an iguana." :'''Stuart:''' "And I'm a goat." :''[He bleats like a goat, and eats a handful of grass.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Hypno-Pants:''' "Stare into my butt!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Murray:''' "Hey! Could you--hey! Could you bring me--hey! Could you bring me a balloon?" ===Other=== :''[The show opening]'' :'''Announcer ''[Soup]'':''' "Fresh out the box! Stop, look, & watch! Ready yet? Get set! It's All That!" <hr width=50%/> :''[Peter and Flem are performing the actions as narrated]'' :'''Announcer:''' "Peter sharpens pencils the old-fashioned way. Flem sharpens pencils in different parts of his body." <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "Peter exercises every day. He runs over five miles. Flem runs from the police." <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "Peter does his homework making sure he gets all the answers right. Flem hits things with a hammer." <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "After dinner, Peter enjoys a fresh piece of fruit for dessert, like an apple. Flem eats a bag of sugar." <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "Peter makes excuses to go to the restroom. Flem's going to the restroom right now." :''[Flem is not in his restroom.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "Peter turns off his TV set using a remote control. Flem uses a brick." <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "Peter always brushes his teeth before going to bed. Flem brushes his hobo." <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "Peter likes to grow nice plants and flowers. Flem grows things under his arms." <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "Peter likes to read. Flem can't." <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "Every day after school, Peter walks his dog, Fido. Flem walks his grandmother." <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "After doing his homework, Peter relaxes by watching public television. Flem watches underwear." <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "Peter uses his laptop computer to do his homework. Flem smashes stolen coconuts." <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Kevin Kopelow|Kevin Kopelow]]:''' "Five minutes! The show starts in five minutes!" <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Kevin Kopelow|Kevin Kopelow]]:''' "Listen up. I'm just here to tell ya, that in ten minutes, the show will be startin' in ''five minutes''." <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Dan Schneider (producer)|Dan Schneider]]:''' "Hiiiii, everyone! It's time for 'Ask Ashley'!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Ed ''[Mitchell]'':''' Whoa! We have a drive-through window! :'''Mr. Bailey ''[Schneider]'':''' Ed, we've had a drive-through window for 3 years; it's right over there. :''(He points the drive-through window out to Ed.)'' :'''Ed:''' Whoa! How does the car fit through that little window over there? :'''Mr. Bailey:''' It ''doesn't'', Ed! The cars don't drive ''through'' the window; they drive ''past'' the window! :'''Ed:''' Oh; well, why don't they call it a "drive-pass" window? <hr width=50%/> :'''Mr. Bailey:''' ''[looks at a customer's winning ticket, which Ed claimed was for $5,000]'' "Aw, for the love of decimals, Ed, this says he won ''50¢''! 50¢, not 5,000!" <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Mýa|Mýa Harrison]]:''' ''[Describing the perils of live television]'' "...And if things go horribly wrong, we'll show this video clip of Rhineheart the Dancing Monkey-Boy." <hr width=50%/> :'''Complaint Department lady ''[Lori Beth Denberg]'':''' ''[to a customer]'' Complaint Department. Whatcha doin'? :'''Customer ''[Tricia Dickson]'':''' ''[southern accent]'' Well, I have a ''complaint''... :'''Complaint Department lady:''' Is...that your complaint? :'''Customer:''' No. :'''Complaint Department lady:''' If you have no complaint, I must ask you to go home. :'''Customer:''' Well, I certainly ''do'' have a ''complaint''. :'''Complaint Department lady:''' Well, ''make'' up your ''mind''! Do you have a complaint? :'''Customer:''' Yes; I bought this here mini vacuum cleaner. But I wanted a blue one, like on the box...and they gave me this here red one, surely by mistake. :'''Complaint Department lady:''' Well, if I were you, I'd take it right back to the store where I bought it. ==Dialogue== <hr width=50%/> :'''Kevin:''' "Everyone, I have a little surprise for you all! Kenan?" :''[Kenan enters, carrying the Big Ear of Corn, who was feared to be terminally ill. The other cast members are delighted, especially Lori Beth.]'' :'''Josh:''' "It's the Big Ear of Corn!" :'''Angelique:''' "So, what was wrong with the Corn?" :'''Kenan:''' "Nothin'; it turns out that the Big Ear of Corn wasn't even sick at all! Katrina?" :''[Katrina enters, pushing a perambulator containing the Big Ear of Corn's four new offspring, each of whom is at least twice the size of a standard ear of corn.]'' <hr width=50%/> :''(Three new students--Maggot, Rash, and Spew, the members of the band Bacteria--have joined Miss Fingerly's class.)'' :'''Maggot ''[Server]'':''' ''[British accent]'' My name is Maggot! :'''Rash ''[Reyes]'':''' I'm Rash! :'''Spew ''[Thompson]'':''' They call me SPEW! :'''Miss Fingerly ''[Denberg]'':''' All right. Spew, Rash...Maggot. Now, where are you children from? :'''Student ''[Johnson]'':''' Miss Fingerly, don't you know who they are? :'''Student ''[Bates]'':''' Yeah! :'''Student ''[Johnson]'':''' They're ''Bacteria''! :'''Miss Fingerly:''' Now, let's not judge others by their appearance. :'''Student ''[Mitchell]'':''' No; they're Bacteria, the hottest band around! :'''Student ''[Johnson]'':''' Their CD, ''Raw Sewage'', just went Triple Platinum! :'''Miss Fingerly:''' Oh, I see. Well, perhaps you'd like to tell the class how your band ''got'' the name "Bacteria"! :'''Maggot:''' Well, you see, our drummer, Spew, forgot to take a bath for 3½ years, and when we looked under his armpit, we found... :'''Miss Fingerly:''' All right! Let's all take our seats. <hr width=50%/> :''(Treach, Kay Gee, and Vinnie, the members of the rap group Naughty By Nature, are in the library, practicing for their performance as the episode's musical guest)'' :'''Loud Librarian:''' Silence! This is a ''liberry''! Just who do you fellas think you are?! :'''Kay Gee:''' We're Naughty By Nature. :'''Loud Librarian:''' Oh, well; ''that's obvious''! :'''Treach:''' No, no, no; we're the ''rap group'' Naughty By Nature. This is Kay Gee, this is Vinnie, and I'm Treach, and we just came in-- :''(She blows her air horn)'' :'''Loud Librarian:''' Quiet! This is a ''liberry''! Now, look, Treach, Kay Gee, Vinnie? I realize that you are all "naughty", and that it is your "nature" to be so! But if you wanna sing, you're not gonna do it in my liberry! :''(She points to the stage)'' :'''Loud Librarian:''' You can sing over there! :''(Naughty By Nature heads over to the stage)'' :'''Loud Librarian:''' ''(blows her whistle)'' Let's hear a round o' sound for...Naughty By Nature! :''(She blows her air horn again; Naughty By Nature performs their hit "Clap Yo Hands".)'' <hr width=50%/> :''(Rash has left Bacteria, and now Maggot and Spew are holding auditions for a new bass player.)'' :'''Maggot:''' Excuse me; before we start, can you even ''play'' the ''bass''? :'''Waw ''[Tamberelli]'':''' WAAAAAAAW! <hr width=50%/> :'''Amanda:''' Hey, everyone! Before the musical guest comes on, I wanted to show you my magic powers!<br/> :'''Audience:''' Ooh, aah!<br/> :'''Amanda:''' That's right! I'm going to turn these ice cubes into a glass of water!<br/> :''(Puts the ice cubes into a glass; a few seconds go by)''<br/> :'''Amanda:''' Hmmm. This trick usually takes a few hours. Hey, I know! I'll just turn this grapefruit into NSYNC instead! Alaka-ZAM!<br/> :''(NSYNC appears)''<br/> :'''JC Chasez:''' Where are we?<br/> :'''Justin Timberlake:''' And why do we smell like grapefruit? <hr width=50%/> :''[Josh is running on an unstoppable treadmill.]'' :'''Amanda''': Help! Help! I need help! :'''Danny''': What's wrong? :'''Amanda''': I need help. :'''Danny''': Well, I'm right here. :''[long pause]'' :'''Amanda''': Kenan! Kel! I NEED SOME HELP!! :''[Kenan and Kel enter]'' :'''Kenan''': What's wrong? Was Danny bothering you? :'''Kel''': Because we'll take care of him. :'''Amanda''': No. It's Josh. He's stuck on the treadmill, and we can't make it stop! <hr width=50%/> :''(At Good Burger, Mr. Bailey [Tim Goodwin; later played by Dan Schneider] has introduced Ed [Mitchell] to the new employee, Beth [Bates], who becomes Ed's love interest. She and Ed are lost in thought.)'' :'''Ed:''' ''(thinking)'' I'm lost in thought. :'''Beth:''' ''(thinking)'' He seems lost in thought. :'''Ed:''' She's so pretty, just like a...like, uh...like someone who's pretty. :'''Beth:''' I hope he thinks I'm pretty. :'''Ed:''' I do. :'''Beth:''' He'd be the coolest boyfriend. :'''Ed:''' Some vegetables...are green. :'''Beth:''' I wonder if he'll call me, and ask me out on a date. :'''Ed:''' I want to call her, and ask her out on a date, but I don't know how... :''[short pause]'' :'''Ed:''' ...to use a phone. :'''Beth:''' Ed, it's so easy, spell. :'''Ed:''' My foot's cold. :''[looks down]'' :'''Ed:''' Hey! I'm missin' a shoe! :''(Earlier, a customer [Johnson] had found and complained about a shoe in the strawberry milkshake that she had ordered; presumably, this was Ed's right shoe. He had actually noticed it in the milkshake machine, but hadn't bothered to remove it. This had made her "confused...and ''angry''!".)'' <hr width=50%/> :''(Superdude has just dispatched two bullies in a bank and gone outside to tie them up. A little girl dressed as Superdude runs into the bank )''<br/> :'''Fake Superdude ''[Amanda Bynes]'':''' NOBODY MOVE! This is a holdup!<br/> :''(A security guard runs out screaming)''<br/> :'''Weird-Voiced Man''': ...Superdude?<br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' That's right, I'm Superdude! Now gimme all the money--or I'll use my superpowers to harm you!<br/> :''(The Sweaty Woman [Lori Beth Denberg] begins to empty the cash drawer as the real Superdude comes in)''<br/> :'''Superdude ''[Kenan Thompson]'':''' Those bullies won't be bothering anyone anymore!...hey, who are you?<br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' I'm, uh...Superdude!<br/> :''(Pause)''<br/> :'''Superdude:''' Excuse me? <br/> :'''The Sweaty Woman''': Quick! Grab the [[impostor]]! <br/> :''(Before anyone can react, Fake Superdude rushes toward Superdude. The two spin around briefly, and end up facing the bank patrons.)''<br/> :'''Weird-Voiced Man:''' Oh, no! Now we can't tell which one is the REAL Superdude! <br/> :'''Black-Haired Woman:''' I'm totally confused! <br/> :'''The Sweaty Woman:''' Talk about conflict! <br/> :'''Penny Lane:''' Which one is the good Superdude, and which one is the bank-robbing ''evil twin''?<br/> :'''Superdude:''' ...Y'all are kidding me, right? <br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' I'm the REAL Superdude! HE'S the IMPOSTOR! <br/> :'''Superdude:''' ''I'm'' the ''real'' one! <br/> :'''Weird-Voiced Man:''' I can't tell which is which! <br/> :'''Penny Lane:''' What are we gonna DO?<br/> :'''Superdude:''' What is WRONG with you people? LOOK AT US!<br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' He's evil, I tell ya! Evil. Evil!<br/> :'''Superdude:''' Look, look. I'll prove to you that I'm the real Superdude, aight? <br/> :''(He picks up a metal bar and twists it into a knot. The patrons applaud.)''<br/> :'''Superdude:''' Now do you believe me?<br/> :'''Blond Woman:''' He IS the real Superdude!<br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' Wait, wait! Watch this! <br/> :''(She grabs a piece of paper and, after a brief struggle, tears it in half.)''<br/> :'''Weird-Voiced Man:''' That one's got super strength, too! <br/> :'''Superdude:''' WHAT? That ain't super! Oh, for heaven's sake, look--this is NOT the real Superdude! She's a little girl!<br/> :'''Penny Lane:''' I've got an idea! Superdude is lactose intolerant!<br/> :'''Superdude:''' You ain't got to go there.<br/> :'''Weird-Voiced Man:''' Lactose intolerant...what's that?<br/> :'''The Sweaty Woman:''' Lactose intolerant means that Superdude can't handle dairy products--such as cheese, whipped cream, and especially milk!<br/> :'''Penny Lane:''' The Sweaty Woman's right! Does anybody have a pitcher of milk?<br/> :''(The Sweaty Woman has pulled a large pitcher of milk from behind the desk and is drinking from it.)''<br/> :'''The Sweaty Woman:''' ...I do!<br/> :'''Penny Lane:''' Here's how we'll tell them both apart. I'll pour this milk on both of them, and then the real Superdude will be horribly damaged!<br/> :'''Superdude:''' No, I don't think that that's such a good...<br/> :''(Penny pours the milk over both of the Superdudes. Fake Superdude only screams, but Superdude falls to the ground.)''<br/> :'''Superdude:''' A...E...I...O...<br/> :'''The Sweaty Woman:''' SHE'S the impostor! <br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' The Sweaty Woman's right! <br/> :'''The Sweaty Woman:''' I'M ON A ROLL!<br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' But it's too late! Now with Superdude out of the way, I'm free to take all the money! Then I'll POSE as Superdude, and commit crimes ALL OVER THE WORLD! AAAAHHH HAAA HAA HAA!<br/> :''(She takes the sacks of money and heads for the door)''<br/> :'''Weird-Voiced Man:''' Oh, somebody help Superdude! <br/> :'''The Sweaty Woman:''' I've got a blow dryer! <br/> :''(Penny takes the dryer and runs it over Superdude. Meanwhile, Fake Superdude stops to collect a toaster)''<br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' Almost forgot my free toaster! <br/> :''(She takes it and goes toward the door)''<br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' Buh-bye...SUCKERS! <br/> :''(Superdude is dry by now, and stands up.)''<br/> :'''Superdude:''' HOLD IT, you evil bank-robbing impostor! You're not going anywhere! <br/> :''(He turns around and sends magnetic rays out of his buttocks. They attract the metal in toaster, and Fake Superdude, who is still holding the toaster, is pulled back.)''<br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' What happened? <br/> :'''Superdude:''' I stopped you by using my super magnetic force field from my super butt! You should've let go of the toaster, but you HAD to be greedy, didn't ya? <br/> :''(Two police officers enter the bank)''<br/> :'''Superdude:''' Aha! Officers, arrest this bank robbing person as my evil twin!<br/> :'''Police Officer:''' Wow. We just came here to open new accounts and get our free toasters.<br/> :'''Police Officer:''' Thanks a lot, Superdude! Wow--you two really look identical! <br/> :''(They take Fake Superdude into custody.)''<br/> :'''Fake Superdude:''' NO! NOO! I'LL BE BACK, SUPERDUDE!<br/> :'''Penny Lane:''' I guess Evil Superdude picked the wrong day to rob a bank!<br/> :'''Superdude:''' You are correct. What can I say-you ''twin'' some, and you lose some! <br/> :''(The patrons break into loud, faked laughter.)''<br/> :'''The Sweaty Woman:''' I don't get it!...HA HA HA HA HA! <hr width=50%/> :''(Detective Dan [Josh Server] has ruined Helga's [Danny Tamberelli]'s wedding.''<br/> :'''Helga:''' YOOOOUUU!! You have angered Helga! ''(grabs Dectective Dan by his trench coat)'' Now you must pay!<br/> :'''Detective Dan:''' Don't mind if I do! <hr width=50%> :''(How Randy and Mandy usually introduce their cooking sketch, ''Cooking With Randy & Mandy''.)'' :'''Randy ''[Kenan Thompson]'':''' Hi! I'm Randy! :'''Mandy ''[Angelique Bates]'':''' And I'm Mandy! :'''Randy and Mandy ''[in unison]'':''' And this is ''Cooking With''... :'''Randy:''' ...''Randy''... :'''Mandy:''' ...''and Mandy''! Hi, Randy! :'''Randy:''' Hi, Mandy! <hr width=50%> :'''Mandy:''' Moms tend to overlook the benefits of chocolate. :'''Randy:''' Mainly that it tastes very, very good. <hr width=50%> :'''Mandy:''' Our next dish is ''nachos''. :'''Randy:''' First, you place the chips in a microwaveable plate... :'''Mandy:''' ...and then you add ''chocolate''. :'''Randy:''' Chocolate ''bars''... :'''Mandy:''' ...chocolate ''chips''... :'''Randy:''' ...chocolate ''sprinkles''... :'''Mandy:''' ...chocolate ''powder''... :'''Randy:''' ...chocolate ''syrup''... :'''Randy and Mandy ''[in unison]'':''' ...''any'' kind of chocolate, ''really''. :'''Randy:''' Because once they mesh together, they become one harmonious chocolate holiday; a ''celebration'' of chocolate, if you will. <hr width=50%> :'''Square dance caller ''[guest star Tim Farmer]'':''' Choose your partner! Do-si-do! Swing your partner 'round and 'round; pick him up and throw him down! Yee-ha! Kick him in the side, kick him in the head; change his name from Bob to Ted! <hr width=50%> :''(The Island Girls are visited by Kiki's sister, Didi)''<br/> :'''Didi ''[Johnson]'':''' Hello, hello!<br/> :'''Kiki''': I wonder who that is?<br/> :'''Fran''': Who cares? It's a person...it's a person that's ''not you''!<br/> :''(She runs to Didi)''<br/> :'''Fran''': Thank you, whoever you are! I'm rescued! I'm rescued! Finally--I'm rescued! Who are you?<br/> :''(Didi removes her goggles)''<br/> :'''Kiki''': Didi!<br/> :'''Didi''': Kiki!<br/> :'''Fran''': Kiki, who is this?<br/> :'''Kiki''': This is my sister, Didi! Didi, this is my bestest friend, Fran!<br/> :''(She hugs Fran, who looks terrified.)''<br/> :'''Fran''': YOUR SISTER?!<br/> <hr width=50%> :'''Quik'N'Fast customer ''[Bynes]'':''' Excuse me, can I have change for a 20? :'''LaTanya ''[Cannon]'':''' Oooo, of course you can, 'cause this ''is'' Quik'N'Fast, the ''bank''! :'''LaNeesha ''[Thompson]'':''' ''[to LaTanya]'' Wait a minute, girl! I thought this was Quik'N'Fast, the ''store''! :'''LaTanya:''' Oooo; you is so right, LaNeesha! I was wrong, you was right; I was wrong, you was right! :'''LaTanya:''' ''[to the customer]'' So I guess you gonna hafta buy somethin' to get your change, then! :'''Quik'N'Fast customer:''' Okay, fine, I'll...take this pack of gum. :'''LaTanya:''' And I give you your change! :''(She pours a beach pailful of pennies onto the counter.)'' :'''LaTanya:''' 1...3...13...it's all here. :'''Quik'N'Fast customer:''' Hey, I didn't want ''pennies''! :'''LaNeesha:''' Oooo, Ms. Fussy was just '''beggin'''' for change, and now she don't want it! :'''LaTanya:''' Maybe she should come back when she knows what she wants, okay? Bye! <hr width=50%> :''(A gym coach [Server] is coaching a boy named Bruno [Thompson] to become a ballerina in Miss Fingerly's [Denberg] ballet class. Bruno has just gotten kicked by one of the other ballet students [Johnson] while the class has been doing pliés.)'' <br/> :'''Coach:''' WHAT WAS ''THAT''?! YOU LET THAT LITTLE GIRL TAKE YOU OUT WITH ONE LITTLE PLEA-LAY! :'''Bruno:''' But...she kicked...me ''hard'', Coach. :'''Coach:''' SHE IS A ''LITTLE GIRL'', FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD, BRUNO! :'''Bruno:''' But, she's real strong, and look, she ripped my tutu. :'''Coach:''' That's just 'tutu bad'*, idnit?! *Play on words: '''too, too'' bad' <hr width=50%> :'''Miss Fingerly ''[Denberg]'':''' All right, class. Today, we will be discussing popular music. Now, who can tell me the name of the very first CD ever released by Boyz II Men? :''(Harpo raises his hand.)'' :'''Miss Fingerly:''' All right, um...Harpo? :'''Harpo ''[Thompson]'':''' Oh, yes! Okay, all right, the very first CD by Boyz II Men was called "II". :'''Balthasar ''[Mitchell]'':''' Noooo...it's "''Cooleyhighharmony''". :'''Harpo:''' No! You're wrong, man! It was called "''II''"! :'''Balthasar:''' "''Cooleyhighharmony''"! :'''Harpo:''' "''II''"! :'''Balthasar:''' "''Cooleyhighharmony''"! :'''Harpo:''' "''II''"! :'''Balthasar:''' Oh! "''Cooleyhighharmony''"! :'''Harpo:''' Oh! I ''hate'' you! :'''Balthasar:''' You make me ''sad''! :'''Harpo:''' Okay; fine, Balthasar! Okay; so, like, you think that Boyz II Men's first CD was called "''Cooleyhighharmony''". But ''I'' know who can settle this, man. :''(Harpo goes to the door and opens it.)'' :'''Harpo:''' Chuh-''guh''! :''(The members of the musical guest, Boyz II Men--Nathan Morris, Michael McCary, Wanya Morris, and Marc Nelson--enter the classroom.)'' :'''Harpo:''' Hey! Boyz II Men! Okay, men, Balthasar there says that your ''first'' CD was entitled "Cooleyhighharmony", but ''I'' think that it was called "''II''". So, who's right? :'''Marc Nelson:''' Well, Harpo, I hate to tell you this, but, um, Balthasar is right. :'''Wanya Morris:''' Yeah. Our first CD was called "Cooleyhighharmony"; the second one was entitled "II". :'''Nathan Morris:''' Yeah, I mean, if you think about it, you know, like, "II"..."II", the second...second album. :'''Harpo:''' I feel so ''foolish''. <hr width=50%/> :''(What the "Whatever Girls" usually say)''<br/> :'''Gina''':Okay?<br/> :'''Jessica''': Okay!<br/> :'''Gina''': Okay!<br/> :'''Jessica''': Okay!<br/> :'''Both''': OKAY!!!<br/> ==Second Run (seasons 7-10)== ===[[w:Chelsea Brummet|Chelsea Brummet]]=== :'''Bridget:''' "Hi! I'm Bridget, and this is my...SLUMBER PARTY!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Abby Rhodes:''' "Like, okay, okay?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Mega Butt:''' "Butt powers ACTIVATE!" ===[[w:Jack DeSena|Jack DeSena]]=== :'''Slimon Bowel:''' "I hate you all." <hr width=50%/> :'''Randy Quench:''' "Here comes me!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Randy Quench:''' "I'm Randy Quench! Volunteer Fireman!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Carson Daly:''' "I'm now bleeding from the ears! I hope you're happy!" ===[[w:Lisa Foiles|Lisa Foiles]]=== :'''Claudia:''' "When life gives me lemons, I suck them." <hr width=50%/> :'''Claudia:''' "I want to give you all an infection." :'''Bridget ''[Brummet]'':''' "Infect people ''later''!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Heather Darling:''' "INCOMING!!!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Heather Darling:''' "That's my name!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Kaffy:''' "MY HEART IS POUNDING LIKE A JACKHAMMER!" ===[[w:Kyle Sullivan|Kyle Sullivan]]=== :'''Harry Bladder:''' "Weenius nosium!" <hr width=50%/> :''(Sacco [Lyons] had enlarged Herhiney's [Foiles] buttocks.)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Brian Peafest''': "Who will be the next American Idiot?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Buzz:''' "MY PULSE IS RACING FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF LIGHT!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Ernie:''' "Here comes the loopy-de-loop." ===[[w:Shane Lyons|Shane Lyons]]=== <hr width=50%/> :'''Soupdude:''' "''I'm'' not Superdude! I'm...''Soupdude''!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Soupdude:''' "I do make wonderful soup. That's why they call me...''Soupdude''!" ===[[w:Giovonnie Samuels|Giovonnie Samuels]]=== :'''Mandy Snackson:''' "Dawg, you did your thing." <hr width=50%/> :'''Driving Instructor:''' "Don't be distracted by distractions!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Dill:''' "Once upon a time...there was this little puppy named Cuddles. And then...Cuddles ate a huge banana split!" ===[[w:Bryan Hearne|Bryan Hearne]]=== :'''Re-Ron:''' "I'm Harry Bladder's precocious best friend!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Zigfried:''' "KUMQUAT!...jerk." ===[[w:Jamie Lynn Spears|Jamie Lynn Spears]]=== :'''Thelma Stump:''' "Got any bacon?...Bacon's goooood." <hr width=50%/> :'''Carlee:'''"I'm Carlee--" :'''Marlee ''[Foiles]'':''' "--and I'm Marlee--" :'''Both ''[in unison]'':''' "--and we've got a passion for trashin' fashion! Uh-huh!" ===[[w:Christina Kirkman|Christina Kirkman]]=== :'''Cindy Lou Rougeneck:''' "I want some babyback ribs!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Sunshine Sally:''' "So, go get the tacos." ===[[w:Kianna Underwood|Kianna Underwood]]=== :'''Kareena Jones:''' "Sass-er-frass!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Kareena Jones:''' "No flapjacks for you TODAY!!" ===[[w:Denzel Whitaker|Denzel Whitaker]]=== :'''Cupid:''' "I don't like it now, and I didn't like it when I was a tall white guy!" ''(the part had previously been played by Lyons)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Jeff Bester:''' "When it comes to safety, I know bester!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Jeff Bester:''' "Yo-yo's going crazy." <hr width=50%/> :'''Jeff Bester:''' "Jeff Bester deems these crayons...UNSAFE!" :''(He makes a loud buzzer noise.)'' ===Other=== :'''Lady in Shane's Mouth ''[Schneider]'':''' "Don't live in a mouth!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer ''[Brian Peck]'':''' "Know your stars...know your stars...know your stars..." ==Third Run (season 11)== ===[[:Kate Godfrey|Kate Godfrey]]=== :'''Marie Kiddo:''' ''(in a boys-only treehouse)'' "Welcome back to ''Getting Rid Of Your Stuff''. I'm your host, Marie Kiddo. I help people decide what to keep, and what to get rid of. Today, I'm here at this super-secret clubhouse for boys." :''(The treehouse belongs to two friends, Chad and Randy, who are asleep in their hammocks.)'' :'''Marie Kiddo:''' "HI, CHAD AND RANDY!" :''(Chad and Randy fall out of their hammocks.)'' :'''Chad ''(Ryan Alessi)'':''' "Marie? How'd ''you'' get in here?" :'''Randy ''(Lex Lumpkin)'':''' "No girls allowed, Marie." :''(Randy points to where it says "Boys Only" on one of the treehouse walls.)'' :'''Chad:''' "Yeah; didn't you read the sign?" :'''Marie Kiddo:''' "Yep." :''(She notices some comic books of theirs, and picks them up.)'' :'''Marie Kiddo:''' "Tell me about these comic books. Do they bring you joy?" :'''Chad:''' "Yep; they're colorful ''and'' violent." :'''Marie Kiddo:''' "Then we keep the comics." :'''Randy:''' "''O''kay." :''(She puts them down, and then notices the beanbag chairs.)'' :'''Marie Kiddo:''' "How about these old beanbag chairs? Do they spark gladness?" :'''Chad:''' "Spark gladness?" :'''Randy:''' "You mean, does Chad fart in them?" :'''Chad:''' "Randy!" :'''Randy:''' "Hey, you spark '''somethin'''' in them all the time." :'''Marie Kiddo:''' "In that case, we thank you, beanbag chairs, and we give a little giggle." :''(She giggles mischievously.)'' :'''Marie Kiddo:''' "DESTROOOOY!" :''(She makes three long steel claws, similar to those of Wolverine from ''X-Men'', emerge from each of her hands, and she uses these claws to destroy the beanbag chairs.)'' :'''Chad:''' "Marie! I ''sit'' in those!" :'''Marie Kiddo:''' "THAT'S NOT WHAT I HEARD!" :''(short pause)'' :'''Marie Kiddo:''' "And we're calm." <hr width=50%/> :'''Positive Poppi:''' "Hi! I'm Positive Poppi. Today's inspirational quote to keep in mind is, 'Life is a gift'." :''(A giant present, wrapped in yellow wrapping paper with red flowers and tied with green ribbon, falls on her; only her feet are now visible.)'' :'''Positive Poppi:''' "Stay positive!" ===[[:Gabrielle Nevaeh Green|Gabrielle Nevaeh Green]]=== :'''Alisha:''' ''(to a customer at Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee)'' "Good morning! I'm Alisha, your barista. Welcome to Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee! Would you like to taste-test our new espresso?" :''(Alisha takes a sip of the espresso, then discards the cup.)'' :'''Alisha:''' "YOLO! Ever been to Yolo County in California? It's a real place!" :''(She runs over to a map of the lower 48 states, and points out Yolo County, California.)'' :'''Alisha:''' "''See''?" :'''Customer ''(Reece Caddell)'':''' "It is way too early for whatever is happening right now." :'''Alisha:''' "Early bird gets the worm! Do you know some people refer to the worm as the caterpillar? The dance, not the animal. Can you do the worm? I can." :''(She gets down on the floor and does the worm.)'' :'''Customer:''' "I--can I just have an iced coffee?" :'''Alisha:''' "Sure!" :''(Alisha goes back behind the counter.)'' :'''Alisha:''' "Would you like that teeny tiny, medium, medium plus, biggie small, or a super duper?" :''(She places a super duper-sized display cup on the counter.)'' :'''Customer:''' "''That's'' way too big." :'''Alisha:''' "Okay, too big!" :''(She discards the super duper-sized cup.)'' :'''Alisha:''' ''(discarding the teeny tiny-sized display cup)'' "Too small!" :'''Alisha:''' ''(taking a sip from her own medium-sized cup of coffee)'' "Ah, just right! Did you know Goldilocks originally had silver hair? Guess it was really someone's Grandma sneaking into that bears' house. My Grandma's name is Carrie; what's yours?" :'''Customer:''' "Can I just have a coff--" :'''Alisha:''' "Is it Geraldine?" :'''Customer:''' "A coffee with--" :'''Alisha:''' "Ruby?" :'''Customer:''' "''No''!" :'''Alisha:''' "Lucille?" :'''Customer:''' "You know what? Forget it; I'm awake!" :'''Alisha:''' "Thanks for waking up at Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee!" :''(The customer smiles sarcastically, and then she leaves.)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Customer ''(Godfrey)'':''' "Good morning." :'''Alisha:''' "Good morning; welcome to Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee...Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee! Coffee! Coffee!" ===[[:Nathan Janak|Nathan Janak]]=== :''(As himself, he hosts the sketch ''Cancelled With Nathan''.)'' •"Welcome to...''Cancelled'', ''With Nathan''. I am here to tell you what is now ''officially'' cancelled, and ''why''. Up next we have people just saying 'kay' instead of 'okay'. Yes, 'kay' is...''cancelled''! No, I am not cancelling the ''letter'' 'K'. It can stay. I need to spell words like 'kangaroo'...and 'kazoo'. And 'knight', even though it ''is'' silent. But replying with 'kay' instead of 'okay' is ''not okay''. I texted my friend Jeremy a question. I asked, 'Hey, Jeremy, when you're done with that scooter, can you let me know, because ''I'' want to use it next?'. And he replied with...'kay'. Have you ever heard anything more rude in your whole life?! What, am I not worth the 'O'?! I was under the impression that we were ''friends''. What kind of friend is ''too'' lazy to reply back with ''two syllables''?! I got him the ''exact'' limited edition skateboard that he wanted for his birthday. And in return, ''I'' can't even get ''two letters''?! Phew! Well, guess what, Jeremy. Maybe ''I'm'' too lazy to say all of ''''Jeremy'''' now. So from ''now'' on, you're Jer...''kay''?" •"Hi; welcome to...''Cancelled'', ''With Nathan''. I'm here to tell you what is now ''officially'' cancelled and ''why''. Up next, we have the emoji that looks, like, this: 😜. Yes, the emoji with one eye closed and its tongue out is now...''cancelled''! I tried to text my friend Katherine a question. I said, 'How do you think you did on the science test today?'. And her reply...was this: 😜. What does that even ''mean''?! Never, in my life have ''I asked'' somebody a question, and ''that'' was my reply. If a waiter came up to me and asked me, 'How was your meal?', and my reply was '😜', I would think I was ''crazy'', and he ''wouldn't'' be wrong! I still have ''no idea'' how Katherine feels about the science test today, so for ''that'' reason, the emoji with ''one eye closed'' and its tongue out, is now...CANCELLED! Whoo!" ===[[:Lex Lumpkin|Lex Lumpkin]]=== :'''Long Coat:''' "All right! We've assembled some of the toughest, most ruthless villains in all of Cityville. Robo Arms! Rocket Shoes! And Hot Breath! The first place we hit is the bank, and with all of us, Hero Boy won't be able to stop us!" :'''Robo Arms ''(Chinguun Sergelen)'':''' "If Hero Boy comes ''anywhere near'' us, I'll destroy him by launching a truck at him with the sheer force of my arms!" :'''All:''' "YEAH!" :'''Rocket Shoes ''(Green)'':''' "If I see him, I will ''blast'' into him full speed with the immense power of my rockets!" :'''All:''' "YEAH!" :'''Hot Breath ''(Godfrey)'':''' "And I'll breathe a gaping hole into the ground until Hero Boy falls to him doom!" :'''All:''' "YEAH!" :'''Long Coat:''' "And I'll have this...very long coat. Now, when we ''first'' get in the bank, I..." :''(Robo Arms raises his right hand.)'' :'''Long Coat:''' "What is it, Robo Arms?" :'''Robo Arms:''' "Am I the only one who feels like...the coat really isn't that helpful? I mean, we all explained what we would do in full detail, but--" :'''Long Coat:''' "Bad guys always wear long coats. It's scary." ===[[:Chinguun Sergelen|Chinguun Sergelen]]=== :'''Benny ''(Sergelen)'':''' "Hey, it's ''Unboxing With Benny'', the show where I open boxes and show you guys what's inside. And I'm ''very'' excited about ''this'' one, guys. ''This'' is the new Funtendo 64 gaming system. Oh, you've never heard of it? That's because it doesn't come out for another ''year''! Lucky for you, I'm famous, so they sent me one. Let the unboxing begin!" :''(Benny tries in vain to open his package.)'' :'''Benny:''' "Mmm, sturdy packaging...this is a little harder to open than I thought. BRB." :''(Cut to him holding a pair of heavy-duty scissors.)'' :'''Benny:''' "Trust me, you guys are gonna ''freak'' when you see what's in this box..." :'''Announcer:''' "FREAK!" :''(Benny tries to cut the box open, but the scissors break.)'' :'''Benny:''' "...just as soon as I can get it open. Trust me, you will freak." :'''Announcer:''' "FREAK!" :''(Benny calls Funtendo Customer Support, and talks to an agent.)''' :'''Funtendo Customer Support agent ''(on the phone)'':''' "Funtendo Customer Support. If you need help, say 'help'". :'''Benny:''' "Help!" :'''Funtendo Customer Support agent:''' "Did you say...'applesauce'?" :'''Benny:''' "Applesauce?! ''Why'' would I say 'applesauce'?!" :'''Funtendo Customer Support agent:''' "Transferring you to...applesauce." ===[[:Reece Caddell|Reece Caddell]]=== :''(In this season, she is the host of ''Vital Information''.)'' :"Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Beans make the farts go longer." <hr width=50%/> :"Out of sight, out of mind? Out of money, out of ''ice cream''; you know what I'm ''saying''." <hr width=50%/> :"If you're in a pickle...get outta that pickle, man; ''come on''!" <hr width=50%/> :"Open the window and the air in...unless ''Aaron'' is a ''jewel thief''." <hr width=50%/> :"If a train is traveling from Chicago to New York at 130 miles an hour, and the train leaves at 8:35 in the morning...you should ''fly''. It's ''way'' faster." <hr width=50%/> :"If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Unless they are eggs. Never join ''eggs''. ''Trust'' me." <hr width=50%/> :"You shouldn't judge a book by its cover. You also shouldn't cover your book with peanut butter, and run around school, saying, 'Don't be ''jelly''...'." ===[[:Ryan Alessi|Ryan Alessi]]=== :'''Other character ''(Caddell)'':''' "O, M, G. I heard ''Scary Basement IV'' is so much scarier than the first three." :'''Other character ''(Aria Brooks)'':''' "I heard the first ten seconds are the scariest ten seconds in cinema history. #ScaryBasementIVChallenge." :''(She shrieks in delight.)'' :'''Other character ''(Caddell)'':''' "Can't wait!" :'''T@$#le!gh:''' "''Soooo'' scared! O. M. G.; tag me in that. It's T@$#le!gh. T-at sign-dollar sign-hashtag-L-E-exclamation point-G-''H''." :'''Other character ''(Aria Brooks)'':''' "Guys...don't look, it's Tevin; O..." :'''Other character ''(Caddell)'':''' "...M..." :'''T@$#le!gh:''' "...G!" :'''Tevin ''(Godfrey)'':''' "Bro, bro, I'm ''so'' gonna make it through the first ten seconds, no prob." :'''Other character ''(Lumpkin)'':''' "Dude, I don't know. Trad saw ''Scary Basement'' and his whole family had to move to a house ''without'' a basement." :'''Other character ''(Janak)'':''' "Bro, I am so stoked; I am not even scared ''at all''." :'''Tevin:''' "''At all'', bro." :'''Other character ''(Lumpkin)'':''' "Bro!" :'''Other character ''(Janak)'':''' "Bro!" :''(All three fist-bump.)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer:''' "It's time for the world's easiest game show, ''Simplicity''! And here's your host, Dell Devine!" :'''Dell Devine ''(Alessi)'':''' "Welcome to ''Simplicity'', the simplest game show in the whole world. Let's meet our contestants for today. From East Dakota, Linda Schnutzenberger." :'''Linda Schnutzenberger ''(Caddell)'':''' "Hi!" :'''Dell Devine:''' "And from Dallas, Canada...Larry Van Halen!" :'''Larry Van Halen ''(Sergelen)'':''' "Whuh-''sup''?" :'''Dell Devine:''' "Let's play ''Simplicity''. The rules are simple. I'll ask a question. If you know the answer, press one green button and two red ones. If you ''don't'' know the answer, pull the lever and honk the horn. But if you hear ''this'' sound..." :''(The buzzer sounds.)'' :'''Dell Devine:''' "...push a blue button, wait three seconds, then twist the purple knob. Whatever you do, ''do not touch the kazoo''. Everybody ready?" :'''Linda Schnutzenberger:''' "''Ready''..." :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "''NOOOO''..." :'''Dell Devine:''' "First question. What sport is played with a basketball?" :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "Basketball!" :'''Dell Devine:''' "That is correct!" :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "''Yes''!" :'''Dell Devine:''' "''But'' you forgot to ring a bell." :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "What ''bell''?" :''(The buzzer sounds.)'' :'''Linda Schnutzenberger:''' "Basketball." :'''Dell Devine:''' "Correct! Linda wins Round 1!" :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "But, she didn't ring a bell." :'''Dell Devine:''' "''Yes'', Larry. That's because after one contestant answers incorrectly, the other contestant can answer ''if'' they're eating a 12-foot party sub." :''(Linda is revealed to be doing this.)'' :'''Dell Devine:''' "And now, it's time for Round 6!" :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "Wha--Round ''6''? Can we go over the rules again?" :'''Dell Devine:''' "''No''...next question. How many eggs are in a dozen?" :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "Twelve." :''(A fisherman enters, and hits Larry with a large-mouthed spotted bass.)'' :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "Hey! What was ''that''?!" :'''Dell Devine:''' "You got the answer wrong. So you got slapped in the face with a large-mouthed spotted bass!" :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "But...a dozen ''is'' twelve." :'''Dell Devine:''' "''But'', in Round 6, all the answers are supposed to be ''divided'' by six, so the correct answer is two. Linda?" :'''Linda Schnutzenberger:''' "Nine." :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "You're gonna get slapped with a fish--" :''(The fisherman returns, and again hits Larry with the fish.)'' :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "Why ''me''?! The right answer was ''two''!" :'''Dell Devine:''' "''That's'' because ''you'' are in Round ''6''. ''Linda'' is in Round ''3''. The rules are pretty clear, Larry." :'''Linda Schnutzenberger:''' ''(to Larry)'' "What are you ''not'' understanding?" :'''Larry Van Halen:''' "A ''lot''!" ===[[:Aria Brooks|Aria Brooks]]=== :'''Lt. Uhlot:''' ''(an extraterrestrial, of Star Crew)'' "Well...Officer 'Smart'...the Klorgons are still here, and they're still mad!" :'''Klorgon leader ''(Caddell)'':''' "''And'' covered in various ''teas''." :''(Officer Smart [Janak] miscalculated that dousing the hostile Klorgon extraterrestrials with iced tea would be sufficient to defeat them.)'' <hr width=50%h/> :''(All of Officer Smart's calculations have proven inaccurate.)'' :'''Lt. Uhlot:''' "Enough! No more of your ''stupid calculations''! Because according to ''my'' calculations, ''you have yet to be right''!" ===[[:Other|Other]]=== :''(Singer Gabriella Sarmiento Wilson, known professionally as H. E. R. [Having Everything Revealed], is the musical guest for this episode; she is at Good Burger, and she has given Ed her order.)'' :'''Ed ''(Kel Mitchell)'':''' "What's the name on the order?" :'''H. E. R.:''' "H. E. R.." :'''Ed:''' "Oh, you...you want it in ''her'' name?" :''(He points to another woman who is eating at Good Burger.)'' :'''H. E. R.:''' "No, no. ''I'm'' H. E. R.." :'''Ed:''' "Oh, okay; well, if you're ''her'', then who is ''she''?" :'''H. E. R.:''' "I don't ''know'' who she is. Listen carefully, okay? My name...is ''H. E. R.''. ''H. E. R.'' is ''me''." :'''Ed:''' "I thought ''I'' was me. And I thought you were ''her''." :'''H. E. R.:''' "She ''is'' her." :'''Ed:''' "Oh. Okay; then, who am ''I''?" :'''H. E. R.:''' "Can we just stop trying to figure out who everybody else is, please?" :'''Ed:''' "No, no, no, no; I think I got it. Okay. You're ''you'', she's ''her'', and you're ''also'' her. All right, but she's not ''you''. Okay? And then ''I'm'' not her, because I'm me. But...sometimes, I'm you. All right? So, she's not me...okay...and she's not ''you'', and she's not ''her'', and I don't know who the heck ''that'' is." :''(He points to another man at Good Burger.)'' ==External links== {{wikipedia}} *{{imdb title|id=0111875|title=All That}} [[Category:Nickelodeon shows]] [[Category:American TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] o9f3m3sdalm8q9unn2hz22xdmw3e6z0 0 13914 3157961 2954394 2022-08-25T22:10:41Z 68.225.18.14 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Hotel Rwanda|Hotel Rwanda]]''''' is a [[w:2004 in film|2004 film]] about a [[w:Hutu|Hutu]] who is the manager of a hotel in [[w:Kigali|Kigali]], [[w:Rwanda|Rwanda]] during the 1994 genocide. While striving to protect his family and hundreds of [[w:Tutsi|Tutsi]] refugees from the Hutu mass-murderers, he faces an additional struggle to overcome international indifference to the country's plight. :''Directed by [[w:Terry George|Terry George]]. Written by [[w:Terry George|Terry George]] and [[w:Keir Pearson|Keir Pearson]].'' {{center|'''When the world closed its eyes, he opened his arms.'''}} == Paul Rusesabagina == * There will be no rescue, no intervention force. We can only save ourselves. Many of you know influential people abroad, you must call these people. You must tell them what will happen to us... say goodbye. But when you say goodbye, say it as though you are reaching through the phone and holding their hand. Let them know that if they let go of that hand, you will die. We must shame them into sending help. == George Rutaganda == * [''first lines, voiceover''] When people ask me, good listeners, why do I hate all the Tutsi, I say, "Read our history." The Tutsi were collaborators for the Belgian colonists, they stole our Hutu land, they whipped us. Now they have come back, these Tutsi rebels. They are cockroaches. They are murderers. Rwanda is our Hutu land. We are the majority. They are a minority of traitors and invaders. We will squash this infestation. We will wipe out the RPF rebels. This is RTLM, Hutu power radio. Stay alert. Watch your neighbours. == Other == * '''Jack''': [''walking towards the bus carrying all the whites who are leaving Rwanda while the blacks are left behind''] Oh, God, I'm so ashamed! * '''Pat Archer''': [''relating the last words of the orphan slain by the Hutus''] Please don't let them kill me. I... I promise I won't be Tutsi anymore. * '''RTLM broadcast''': Listen to me good people of Rwanda. Terrible news. Horrible news. Our great president is murdered by the Tutsi cockroaches. They tricked him into signing their phony peace agreement then they shot his plane from the sky. It is time to clear the great brush good Hutu's of Rwanda. We must cut the tall trees. Cut all tall trees down! Let us get to work good Hutus! Find the traitors! Let none escape! * '''RTLM broadcast''': The Tutsi cockroaches of the rebel army must be denied recruits! Come on good Hutus! The graves are not yet full! == Dialogue == :'''Paul''': How can they not do anything? Don't they care? :'''Jack''': I think that when people turn on their TVs and see this footage, they'll say, "Oh my God, that's horrible," and then they'll go back to eating their dinners. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Paul''': You know, I admire you general. How do you keep calm of your men in such madness? :'''General Bizimungu''': I am a strong man Paul. :'''Paul''': I wish I were more like you. I mean look at my staff (pointing at Gregoire flirting with a woman) he won't work, listens to no one. :'''General Bizimungu''': (Sees Gregoire) He is staff? :'''Paul''': Oh yes. :'''General Bizimungu''': (Walks over to Gregoire and throws ice bucket on to him) Get back to work you slob! (Hitting Gregoire) Go! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Colonel Oliver:''' You should spit in my face. :'''Paul:''' Excuse me, Colonel? :'''Colonel Oliver:''' You’re dirt. We think you’re dirt, Paul. :'''Paul:''' Who is we? :'''Colonel Oliver:''' The West. All the super powers. Everything you believe in, Paul. They think you’re dirt. They think you’re dung. You’re worthless! :'''Paul:''' I am afraid I don't understand what you are saying. :'''Colonel Oliver:''' Oh, come on, don't bullshit me, Paul. You're the smartest man here. You got 'em all eating out of your hands. You could own this frigging hotel, except for one thing: you're black. You're not even a nigger. You're an ''African''. They’re not gonna stay, Paul. They’re not gonna stop this slaughter. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Paul''': You have no whiskey? :'''George''': No whiskey, no spirits. Your rich guests will have to do without their scotch. Anyway, Paul, I have bled that cow enough now. :'''Paul''': What are you saying, George? :'''George''': Your rich cockroaches at the hotel... their money is no good to them anymore. Soon, all of the Tutsis will be dead. :'''Paul''': '''You do not honestly believe that you can kill them all.''' :'''George''': '''And why not? Why not? We are halfway there already.''' Oh, and Paul, I will give you a crate of soft drinks for the kids. No charge. ''[To his men]'' Ten bags of beans! Come! Put those in the van, you! ''[To Paul]'' Let me give you a tip my friend, our generals in the army say 'do not go near the Mille Collines or they will send the Belgian soldiers back here'. But soon, those generals will have gone, and we will be in charge. It is time to butcher your cow for the meat. ''[Pauses]'' Maybe you can help us Paul. You have some very important traitors at your hotel. Now, if we were to get them, then maybe we could let you have one of two cockroaches of your own. You understand? :'''Paul''': It is almost dawn, George. We really must be going. :'''George''': Take the river road back. It's clear. <hr width="50%"/> :'''General Bizimungu''': I am going to take you with us, to our new headquarters in Gitarama. :'''Paul''': I do not want to go to Gitarama, sir. :'''General Bizimungu''': Well, you can't go back to the hotel. The crazy men are on their way there now. :'''Paul''': General, we must go back, so that I can get my family! :'''General Bizimungu''': Trust me. We are better off here. :'''Paul''': General....these are difficult times. We need to help one another. :'''General Bizimungu''': And what help can I get from you, Paul? :'''Paul''': You are a marked man, sir. :'''General Bizimungu''': How so? :'''Paul''': You are on a list! The Americans have you on their list as a war criminal! :'''General Bizimungu''': Paul, I am sick and tired of your lies! :'''Paul''': Are you stupid, General?! How do you think these people operate?! You sit here with five stars on your chest; who do you ''think'' they're coming after?! (''Bizimungu realizes what Paul just said'') We will go to Gitarama, and you'll stay on that list. :'''General Bizimungu''': I committed no war crimes. :'''Paul''': Who will tell them? You need me to tell them how you helped at the hotel. They blame you for all their misfortunes - they say you lead the massacres! :'''General Bizimungu''': I lead ''no'' massacres! :'''Paul''': Do you think they will believe ''you?!'' :'''General Bizimungu''': You will tell them the truth! :'''Paul''': I will tell them ''nothing'' unless you help me! (''sees Bizimungu attempting to pull out his handgun'') What are you going to do, shoot me? Shoot me. Please, shoot me. It would be a blessing, I will pay you to shoot my family. You cannot hurt me. == Cast == * [[w:Don Cheadle|Don Cheadle]] — Paul Rusesabagina * [[w:Nick Nolte|Nick Nolte]] — Colonel Oliver * [[w:Hakeem Kae-Kazim|Hakeem Kae-Kazim]] — George Rutaganda * [[w:Desmond Dube|Desmond Dube]] — Dube * [[w:Cara Seymour|Cara Seymour]] — Pat Archer * [[Joaquin Phoenix]] — Jack Daglish == External links == {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.mgm.com/view/movie/900/Hotel-Rwanda Official website] * {{imdb title|id=0395169|title=Hotel Rwanda}} [[Category:2004 films]] [[Category:Action films]] [[Category:Drama films]] [[Category:Films based on true stories]] [[Category:History films]] [[Category:War films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:British films]] [[Category:Italian films]] [[Category:South African films]] [[Category:Anti-war films]] [[Category:Films set in hotels]] [[Category:Films about racism]] l11wwrnqpp0offffxix74dknw4pzql3 0 16812 3158050 2966934 2022-08-26T02:26:59Z 47.17.41.81 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Fritz the Cat (film)|Fritz the Cat]]''''' is a [[w:1972 in film|1972 animated film]] about a hypocritical swinging college student cat who raises hell in a satiric vision of various elements of the 1960's. The film was the first animated feature film to receive an [[w:X-rated|X]] rating in the United States and Canada. :''Written and directed by [[w:Ralph Bakshi|Ralph Bakshi]]. Based on the comic books by [[w:Robert Crumb|Robert Crumb]].'' {{center|'''He's X-Rated and Animated!''' <small>[[#Taglines|Taglines]]</small> }} == Fritz == * My soul is tormented! I've been up and down the four corners of this big old world! I've seen it all! I've done it all! I've fought many a good man, and laid many a good woman! I've had riches and fame and adventure...I've tasted life to the fullest, and still my soul cries out, yes, cries out in this hungry, tortured, wrecked quest: 'More!' * Hey, hey, hey, Look at this big fucking gun! ''[shoots the toilet]'' I killed the john! I killed the john! * Mother of God, I'm a fucking fugitive! * ''(Arriving back at his dorm room, where his roomates ignore him)'' Hello men... everybody all busy studyin' for the goddamn exams and all? Hey Fuzz, how'd it go with that Dee Dee chick, huh? She's got some bod' you have to admit, heh... ol' Charlene isn't bad either though right?... like, wow. Heinz! You swine, ol' buddy pig, ya groove behind Alvina and get some kicks tonight, huh? [laughs]''(Scene fades into black)''. Bastards... you'd think the goddamn exams were the be-all and, end-all of existence... the cosmic life-force or somethin'. Y'd think ''they'' were the frickin' fugitives. Can't even get in a few decent words to a guy... bastards... What a bore they just sit there and take bennies an' stay up all night with their face stuck in a bunch of books an' their thumb up their ass. Oh Yes, yes I remember when the time when it was all very inspiring and enlightening... all this history and literature and sociology shit... You think learning is a really big thing an' you become this big fuckin' intellectual and sit around tryin' ta out-intellectual all the other big fuckin' intellectuals... you spend years and years with your nose buried in these goddamn tomes. While the world is passin' you by... and all the stuff to see and all th' kicks an' girls are all out there... an' ME, a writer an' a poet who should be havin' adventures an' experiencing all the diversities and paradoxes and ironies of life! And passin' over all the roads of the world! An' diggin' all the cities and towns and rives... and the oceans... and making all of them chicks... ''(Imagines naked woman)'' As a writer and poet it is my duty to get out there and dig the world... to swing with the whole friggin' scene while there's still time! ''(Grabs paper)'' My farting around days are over baby! From this day on I shall live every day as if it was my last! Yeah! Yeah! I must do it! No more the dreary boring classes, the dismal lectures, the sitting around bullshitting with pretentious fat-ass hippies, no more the books, the spoutings of a bunch of old farts who think they know the whole goddamn score! ''(Gathers all the papers into a big pile)'' Ha Ha! Heh Heh. Heh.''(Breathes fire)'' Oh my God! What have I done? Oh...man. ''(We see the roof of Fritz's dorm on fire)'' I've set all my notes and books and stuff on fire an' uh, now I can't study for my exams...An' I'll flunk out an' my folks'll be pissed off as hell... I-I'll get a blanket... the blanket's on fire. Man we'd better call the fire department.'' * ''[yelling at various cops as they chase after him]'' We shall overcome! * The love you give is equal to the love you get. * I've been up and down the four corners of this big old world. I've seen it all and I've done it all. I've fought many a good man, and I've laid many a good woman and if there's one thing I've learned it's.. it's... it's you get over here and you get down there like that an then you blondie... ''[Fritz starts dragging all three girls to the bed and jump and the and removed their clothes and Fritz removed the bandages Having sex with the girls]'' == Others == * '''Narrator''': Hey, yeah - the 1960s? Happy times, Heavy times. * '''Winston#1''': Why does a great actor like [[w:James Earl Jones|James Earl Jones]] always have to play black men? * '''Crow''': ''[effeminate]'' I ain't no jive-ass black nigga, honey. Who do you think I am, Geraldine? * '''Aardvark''': Ever make it with an aardvark? It's a rare opportunity, you know. We're scarce. * '''Aardvark''': I'm a failure as a pot smoker. * '''Pig Cop #1''': Now, you have the deeper voice so on three, you yell "Open the fucking door". Now, say the word "fucking" because you got—that makes you sound tough. * '''Ralph''': ''[in a Synagogue; referring to the Rabbis]'' They all got long hair. They all got long clothes. Must be a hippie church! * '''Newscaster''': We interrupt the Israel-Arab war for this special announcement! The President, after conferring with Israel Prime Minister Golda Meir, has agreed to send more arms to Israel - based on the return of New York city and Los Angeles to the United States. * '''Pig Cop #1''': ''[in a Synagogue]'' You're not supposed to dance, Ralph, 'cause you're not Jewish! * '''Duke''': You think being a crow is a big motherfucking ball? All you cats the same, man! You don't know where it is, and you don't have somebody to tell you where it is. You have to be where it is to find out what's happening! * '''Ralph''': ''[attempting to keep a group of crows from tearing him and the other pig cop to pieces]'' Would you like to see a picture of my kids? * '''Lizard Leader''': I think I'm gonna ride that goddamn whore! * '''Officer''': ''[last lines]'' Eh, poor cat. He was a - he was a kind a tough kid at that, wudden he? == Dialogue == :'''Ralph (Pig Cop #2)''': Let me call 'em [[w:pervert|prevert]]s! :'''Pig Cop #1''': What's a "prevert"? :'''Ralph (Pig Cop #2)''': A prevert is a [[w:queer|degenerate]]! Didn't you know that? :'''Pig Cop #1''': A prevert's a degenerate? :'''Ralph (Pig Cop #2)''': Didn't you have no bringing up? :'''Pig Cop #1''': I got bar mitzvahed. :''[Ralph laughs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fritz''': I know about the race problem - I've studied the race problem! :'''Duke''': You don't know nothing about the race problem! You've got to be a crow to know about the race problem! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fritz''': ''[pointing at the pigs]'' There's the one who keeps the bosses in power! He's the one who's holding you down! :'''Pig Cop #1''': Who, me? :'''Ralph (Pig Cop #2)''': You! :'''Pig Cop #1''': No, no, not me, YOU! :''[fighting]'' :'''Ralph (Pig Cop #2)''': No You! :'''Pig Cop #1''': No You! :'''Ralph (Pig Cop #2)''': You, You, You! :'''Pig Cop #1''': Me! :'''Ralph (Pig Cop #2)''': Not me, YOU! :'''Pig Cop #1''': Yeah you! :'''Ralph (Pig Cop #2)''': You! :'''Pig Cop #1''': Fuck you! :'''Ralph (Pig Cop #2'''): You first! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the car breaks down; and Fritz gets out to inspect it - he opens the trunk first]'' :'''Fritz''': No, I knew that - the engine's not here, it's in the back... :''[goes to look at the engine]'' :'''Winston Schwartz''': What's wrong, Fritz? :'''Fritz''': Well, it's all very complicated Winston, ah, I think it's got the piston rod stuck in the drive shaft... either that or the carburator's rusted out... or something. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fritz''': You're a motherfucking bitch! :'''Winston''': I see the hard facts of life! I am realistic, something you're incapable of! You'd be better off with one of those stupid little morons like Charlene who you could just sleep with and throw away when you're done! You can't cope with a mature woman! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harriet''': Hi. :'''Fritz''': How are you? :'''Harriet''': High. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fritz''': Why'd you have to hit her so hard for? :'''Lizard Leader''': She loved it. Listen man, me and you have been assigned to blow up the power plant. That's all I care about. The Revolution. :''[She turns on the radio and Fritz turns off the radio]'' :'''Fritz''': You're full of shit! All you care about is a reason to hurt, to destroy, to blow up! == Taglines == * He's X-Rated and Animated! * We're not rated X for nothin', baby! * SEE! The man eat crow! SEE! The Air Force bomb the ghetto! SEE! Fritz bite off more than he can chew! SEE! Hundreds of dirty animals! == Cast == * [[w:Skip Hinnant|Skip Hinnant]] - Fritz the Cat (voice) * [[w:Rosetta LeNoire|Rosetta LeNoire]] - (voice) * [[w:John McCurry|John McCurry]] - (voice) * [[w:Phil Seuling|Phil Seuling]] - (voice) * [[w:Judy Engles|Judy Engles]] - (voice) (uncredited) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0068612|title=Fritz the Cat}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=fritz_the_cat|title=Fritz the Cat}} [[Category:1972 films]] [[Category:1970s American adult animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American adult animated comedy films]] [[Category:Cult films]] [[Category:Stoner films]] [[Category:Animated films based on comics]] [[Category:Animated films about cats]] [[Category:Animated satirical films‎]] [[Category:Films directed by Ralph Bakshi]] 2ufy65cgz21xkclousn19u362hr9k03 0 18063 3157848 3157140 2022-08-25T14:29:32Z 2001:1388:661:D446:2109:2C86:732B:6D25 /* A - F */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Chingay Johor 2018.jpg|thumb|Overpopulation]] '''[[w:Overpopulation|Overpopulation]]''' is the condition of any organism's numbers exceeding the [[w:carrying capacity|carrying capacity]] of its [[w:ecological niche|ecological niche]]. __NOTOC__ :<small>'''CONTENT'''</small> : [[#A - F|A - F]] , [[#G - L|G - L]] , [[#M - R|M - R]] , [[#S - Z|S - Z]] , [[#See also|See also]] , [[#External links|External links]] == Quotes == :''Quotes are arranged alphabetically by author'' === A - F === *'''Babies are the enemies of the human race'''... Let's consider it this way: by the time the world doubles its population, the amount of energy we will be using will be increased sevenfold which means probably the amount of pollution that we are producing will also be increased sevenfold. If we are now threatened by pollution at the present rate, how will we be threatened with sevenfold pollution by, say, 2010 A.D., distributed among twice the population? We'll be having to grow twice the food out of soil that is being poisoned at seven times the rate. ** [[Isaac Asimov]] (1969) in an interview with Boston magazine. Partly cited in Ellen Peck (1976). ''The baby trap,'' p. 17 * It's going to destroy it all. I use what I call my bathroom metaphor. If two people live in an apartment, and there are two bathrooms, then both have what I call freedom of the bathroom, go to the bathroom any time you want, and stay as long as you want to for whatever you need. And this to my way is ideal. And everyone believes in the freedom of the bathroom. It should be right there in the Constitution. But if you have 20 people in the apartment and two bathrooms, no matter how much every person believes in freedom of the bathroom, there is no such thing. You have to set up, you have to set up times for each person, you have to bang at the door, aren't you through yet, and so on. And in the same way, '''[[democracy]] cannot survive overpopulation. Human dignity cannot survive it. Convenience and decency cannot survive it.''' As you put more and more people onto the world, the value of life not only declines, but it disappears. It doesn't matter if someone dies. ** [[Isaac Asimov]] (1988) in interview by [[Bill Moyers]] on ''Bill Moyers' World Of Ideas'' (17 October 1988); [http://www.pbs.org/moyers/faithandreason/print/pdfs/woi%20asimov1.pdf transcript] (page 6) - [http://www.pbs.org/moyers/faithandreason/media_players/asimovwoi_audio.html audio (20:12)] ** Comment in response to this question by [[w:Bill Moyers|Bill Moyers]]: What do you see happening to the idea of [[dignity]] to human species if this population growth continues at its present rate? * We are a plague on the Earth. It’s coming home to roost over the next 50 years or so. It’s not just climate change; it’s sheer space, places to grow food for this enormous horde. Either we limit our population growth, or the natural world will do it for us, and the natural world is doing it for us right now. ** [[David Attenborough]], [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/earth/earthnews/9815862/Humans-are-plague-on-Earth-Attenborough.html David Attenborough - Humans are plague on Earth]. ''The Telegraph'', January 22, 2013. *The success of modern medicine is today so great, that millions of people are kept alive - if not cured - who in earlier days, and with less scientific aptitude, would normally have died. In this developed skill and knowledge, and in this aptitude in the care of the physical mechanism, is today to be found a major world problem - the problem of overpopulation of the planet, leading to the herd life of humanity and the consequent economic problem - to mention only one of the incidental difficulties of this success. This "unnatural" preservation of life is the cause of much suffering, and is a fruitful source of war, being contrary to the karmic intent of the planetary Logos.<BR>With this vast problem, I cannot here deal. I can only indicate it. It will be solved when the fear of [[death]] disappears, and when humanity learns the significance of time and the meaning of the cycles. **[[Alice Bailey]], ''A Treatise on the Seven Rays: Volume 4: Esoteric Healing'' p. 278 (1953). ISBN 978-0-85330-121-9. * Whereas the unconscious operations and blind forces of the planet have provoked turbulent changes over the last 4.5 billion years of earth’s evolutionary history, now change is being directed by a conscious and volitional agent – "humanity." We cannot speak of humanity equally, to be sure, as the problem was caused by the industrialized capitalist West and the poorer nations who contributed least to climate crisis will be hit the hardest. '''But nations such as China, India, and Brazil are major contributors, and the cumulative impact of 7.5 billion people on the planet is causing extinction and collapse everywhere.''' The stability of the Holocene is now gone, changes are accelerating beyond our understanding and control, and chaos waits at our door. ** [[Steven Best]], [https://drstevebest.wordpress.com/2019/12/03/total-liberation-in-the-age-of-the-anthropocene-and-climate-emergency/ Total Liberation in the Age of the Anthropocene and Climate Emergency], 2019 * In my opinion, you have out-of-control population growth, and you have fewer and fewer [resources]—we are heading for the biggest train wreck our civilization has ever come across ever. Ever. And I think that within 40 or 50 years, we’ll be there. If your population curve is on an exponential growth, and the resources are on an exponential decline, what happens first is you get increases in wealth discrepancy, which means that you get rich pockets of gated communities with security guards outside them, and you get more and more poverty outside that area. And the resources go down, and people start having resource wars over water and food and agriculture and arable land, and then you have Joburg in 2050. And you can see signs of it everywhere. It’s just overpopulation and lack of resources. We just aren’t in control of our destiny. :* {{w|Neill Blomkamp}} in: ''[http://www.avclub.com/article/idistrict-9-idirector-neill-blomkamp-31606 District 9 director Neill Blomkamp],'' By Tasha Robinson on ''avclub.com,'' August 12, 2009. * ... Reverend THOMAS MALTHUS' prediction made in 1798—that man would reproduce himself into a condition of "misery and vice" because of the growing imbalance caused by the multiplication of his own numbers by geometric progression, while his food supply was increasing arithmetically—is as valid today as when it was made. He was a visionary and saw clearly the monster of overpopulation. The only error in his prediction was one of a "few seconds on the clock of human occupancy of the earth". We, agriculturists, can buy at most a few decades of time in which to bring population growth into successful balance with food production. ** [[Norman Borlaug]]: [https://repository.cimmyt.org/bitstream/handle/10883/19272/9023.pdf?sequence=1 "Wheat breeding and its impact on world food supply."] In: ''Third International Wheat Genetics Symposium''. CIMMYT, 1968. * People displayed either persistent ignorance of the carrying capacity concept or naive faith that carrying capacity could always be expanded, that limits could always be transcended. Such an assump­tion seemed to underlie the stubborn refusal of capitalists and Marx­ists alike to acknowledge that the myth of limitlessness had, at last, become obsolete. There was also the assumption that further ad­vances in technology would necessarily enlarge carrying capacity, not reduce it. Enlargement of carrying capacity had been the role of tech­nology in the past; however, […] there has been a reversal of this role in the industrial era. Technology has en­larged human appetites for natural resources, thus diminishing the number of us that a given environment can support. **William R. Catton Jr., ''Overshoot'' (1980), p. 31–32. * Man has imagined himself to be more unlike other mammals than he really is, so when human behavior has shown these same characteristics, various other explanations have been put forth which have obscured the significance of population pressure itself. In the twentieth century, with human numbers enlarged and resource draw­down becoming significant, man went to war. He rioted in the streets. He committed more and more crimes of violence. His political atti­tudes polarized and he created totalitarian governments, some of which gave license to sadistic tendencies. A generation gap widened and deepened. In spite of earnest efforts by humane activists to inhibit racism and to rectify economic inequality, disparities between people remained and animosities became more virulent. Standards of de­cency in behavior toward others and expectations of considerate self-­restraint were eroded and degraded in many places. ** William R. Catton Jr., ''Overshoot'' (1980), p. 107. *Life has now entered a {{w|sixth mass extinction}}. This is probably the most serious environmental problem, because the loss of a species is permanent, each of them playing a greater or lesser role in the living systems on which we all depend. The species extinctions that define the current crisis are, in turn, based on the massive disappearance of their component populations, mostly since the 1800s. The massive losses that we are experiencing are being caused, directly or indirectly, by the activities of Homo sapiens. They have almost all occurred since our ancestors developed agriculture, some 11,000 y ago. At that time, we numbered about 1 million people worldwide; now there are 7.7 billion of us, and our numbers are still rapidly growing. '''As our numbers have grown, humanity has come to pose an unprecedented threat to the vast majority of its living companions'''. ** Gerardo Ceballos, [[Paul R. Ehrlich]], and {{w|Peter H. Raven}}, ''[https://www.pnas.org/content/early/2020/05/27/1922686117 Vertebrates on the brink as indicators of biological annihilation and the sixth mass extinction]''. ''{{w|PNAS}}'', June 1, 2020. *Man will come to realize that the over-population of the world is a grave danger to the continuation of the species. Today, one of the major reasons - and this is the extraordinary paradox - for the huge population in the world is the over-population of the poorer areas of the world, the Third World, those nations least able to afford to feed their peoples... they are dependent on having large families because they know that two-thirds or more will die before they can grow up, and the traditional peasant outlook on families as people to look after them in their old age. That is their insurance, their pension for the future... They have large families in many areas of the world simply to ensure that one, two, or maybe three will live into adulthood. **[[Benjamin Creme]] in ''The Reappearance of the Christ and the Masters of Wisdom'' (1980) *When... we share the produce of the world, you will see that the masses of poor people who are producing most of the forms for the incarnating egos will take the steps needed to prevent this, and gradually the population will subside to a level which the planet can easily bear. **[[Benjamin Creme]] in ''The Reappearance of the Christ and the Masters of Wisdom'' (1980) * The key to understanding overpopulation is not population density but the numbers of people in an area relative to its resources and the capacity of the environment to sustain human activities; that is, to the area’s carrying capacity. When is an area overpopulated? When its population can’t be maintained without rapidly depleting nonrenewable resources... By this standard, the entire planet and virtually every nation is already vastly overpopulated. ** Paul R. Ehrlich, ''The Population Explosion'' (1990) *The debate regarding which individual factor, among the three key factors producing the environmental crisis, causes more damage - the size of the human population on the planet, excessive consumption of resources or unequal/ unjust distribution of resources among countries [the wealthier countries consume much more resources, per person on average than poorer countries] - is like a debate about which contributes more to a triangle, the base or the ribs of the triangle. You can not separate the three factors. If we analyze the numbers over a relatively longer time interval, we will conclude that the size of the population has a bigger impact than consumption. On the other hand, consumption and unequal distribution are also important aspects. If we do not change these three factors all at the same time, the quality of our life will change dramatically. Today '''humanity is delivering a serious blow to nature, but it is clear that nature will deliver the final blow.''' ** Paul R. Ehrlich, ''[http://www.haaretz.co.il/1.1875624 People should produce far fewer children, or expect the worst]'' (Dec. 2012) *Earth is home to millions of species. Just one dominates it. Us. '''Our cleverness, our inventiveness, and our activities have modified almost every part of our planet. In fact, we are having a profound impact on it. Indeed, our cleverness, our inventiveness, and our activities are now the drivers of every global problem we face. And every one of these problems is accelerating as we continue to grow towards a global population of ten billion. In fact, I believe we can rightly call the situation we're in right now an emergency – an unprecedented planetary emergency.'''<br> **{{w|Stephen Emmott}}, ''[https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2013/jun/30/stephen-emmott-ten-billion 10 Billion]'', as summarized in ''The Guardian'', June 30, 2013. *"Intensification of [food] production to feed an increased population leads to a still greater increase in population." **[[Peter Farb]] quoted in Ian J. Drake, What the Gorilla Saw: Environmental Studies and the Novel Ishmael, ISLE: Interdisciplinary Studies in Literature and Environment, Volume 22, Issue 3, Summer 2015, Pages 568–581, https://doi.org/10.1093/isle/isu141 === G - L === * My growing environmental awareness only adds more fuel to the argument for having no children. And the logic of never-ending consumption does not just harm the environment, it kills people too. ** [[w:Xiaolu Guo|Xiaolu Guo]], ''Once Upon A Time in the East: A Story of Growing up'', Chatto & Windus, 2017, page 305 (ISBN 9781784740689). * Around 1990, we became the most numerous mammalian species on the planet, outnumbering even rats. ** [[Thom Hartmann]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=xep4DwJhopkC&newbks=1&newbks_redir=0&lpg=PP1&pg=PA15#v=onepage&q&f=false The Last Hours of Ancient Sunlight: Revised and Updated Third Edition: The Fate of the World and What We Can Do Before It's Too Late]'' (2007), p. 15 * All measures to thwart the degradation and destruction of our ecosystem will be useless if we do not cut population growth. ** [[Chris Hedges]], "[https://www.truthdig.com/articles/we-are-breeding-ourselves-to-extinction/ We Are Breeding Ourselves to Extinction]", March 9, 2009. *We are experiencing an accelerated obliteration of the planet’s life-forms — an estimated 8,760 species die off per year — because, simply put, there are too many people. Most of these extinctions are the direct result of the expanding need for energy, housing, food and other resources. '''The {{w|Baiji|Yangtze River dolphin}}, {{w|Atlantic gray whale}}, {{w|Western black rhinoceros|West African black rhino}}, {{w|Merriam's elk}}, {{w|California grizzly bear}}, {{w|silver trout}}, {{w|blue pike}} and {{w|dusky seaside sparrow}} are all victims of human overpopulation.''' Population growth, as [[E. O. Wilson]] says, is "the monster on the land." Species are vanishing at a rate of a hundred to a thousand times faster than they did before the arrival of humans. If the current rate of extinction continues, Homo sapiens will be one of the few life-forms left on the planet, its members scrambling violently among themselves for water, food, fossil fuels and perhaps air until they too disappear. Humanity, Wilson says, is leaving the Cenozoic, the age of mammals, and entering the Eremozoic — the era of solitude. As long as the Earth is viewed as the personal property of the human race, a belief embraced by everyone from born-again Christians to Marxists to free-market economists, we are destined to soon inhabit a biological wasteland. ** Chris Hedges, "[https://www.truthdig.com/articles/we-are-breeding-ourselves-to-extinction/ We Are Breeding Ourselves to Extinction]", March 9, 2009. *Of course, we also have to think about the role of population going forward. The more the global population grows, the more difficult this challenge will be. As we approach this question, it's crucial - as always - that we focus on underlying structural drivers. Many women around the world do not have control over their bodies and the number of children they have. Even in liberal nations women come under heavy social pressure to reproduce, often to the point where those who choose to have fewer or no children are interrogated and stigmatised. Poverty exacerbates these problems considerably. And of course [[capitalism]] itself creates pressures for population growth: more people means more labour, cheaper labour, and more consumers. These pressures filter into our culture, and even into national policy: countries like France and Japan are offering incentives to get women to have more children, to keep their economies growing. **[[Jason Hickel]], ''Less is More: How Degrowth Will Save the World'', 2021, pp. 110-111 * For those of you who have just turned twenty and thus only just earned the right to vote, I will speak simply and plainly. In a word, without fail there comes a time when we must reduce our population in order to maintain the world. ** Chang-Gyu Kim, [https://clarkesworldmagazine.com/chang-gyu_11_19/ ''Sentinel''], (Korean 2010; English translation 2019) * Unlike plagues of the dark ages or contemporary diseases we do not yet understand, the modern plague of overpopulation is soluble by means we have discovered and with resources we possess. What is lacking is not sufficient knowledge of the solution but universal consciousness of the gravity of the problem and education of the billions who are its victims. ** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], acceptance speech, Margaret Sanger award in human rights 1966; Lamont Hempil ''Sustainable communities''. * We have learned a lot in the 50 years since "{{w|The Population Bomb}}" was published. We should not shy away from discussing what actions are ethically permissible to facilitate a stable level of {{w|population growth}}, nor should we leave this discussion in the hands of the affluent. The conversation about ethics, population, and reproduction needs to shift from the perspective of white donor countries to the places and people most affected by [[poverty]], [[climate change]] and {{w|environmental degradation}}. ** {{w|Frances Kissling}}, Jotham Musinguzi and [[Peter Singer]], "[https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/talking-about-overpopulation-is-still-taboo-that-has-to-change/2018/06/18/ca7c1838-6e6f-11e8-afd5-778aca903bbe_story.html Talking about overpopulation is still taboo. That has to change]". ''{{w|The Washington Post}}''. June 18, 2018. * [[Thomas Robert Malthus|[Thomas] Malthus]] was certainly correct [that demand will outstrip supply], but [...] [hydrocarbons] [...] skewed the [supply-demand] equation over the past [two] hundred years while the human race has enjoyed an unprecedented orgy of [a fraction of] nonrenewable condensed solar energy accumulated over eons of prehistory. The “green revolution” in boosting crop yields was minimally about scientific innovation in crop genetics and mostly about dumping massive amounts of fertilizers and pesticides made [...] of [...] [petroleum] onto crops, as well as employing irrigation at a fantastic scale made possible by abundant oil and gas. The cheap oil age created an artificial bubble of plenitude for a period not much longer than a human lifetime, a hundred years. Within that […], the idea took hold that only grouches, spoilsports, and godless maniacs considered population hypergrowth a problem [with a direct solution], and that to even raise the issue was indecent. [...] As oil ceases to be cheap and the world reserves arc toward depletion, we will indeed suddenly be left with an enormous surplus population [...] that the ecology of the earth will not support. No political program of birth control will avail. The people are already here. The journey back to non-oil population homeostasis will not be pretty. '''We will discover the hard way that population hypergrowth was simply a side effect of the oil age.''' It was [more of] a condition [without a remedy], not a problem with a [direct] solution. That is what happened, and we are stuck with it. ** [[James Howard Kunstler|James H. Kunstler]], ''{{w|The Long Emergency}}'', p. 8. * We've achieved a global human population of about 7 billion as of this writing. Peak human population will surely lag behind peak oil and peak mineral resources until these conditions express themselves as food shortages. This means that the human population will continue to rise for a while, even as we begin to encounter these very strict resource limits. It’s not possible to estimate how much the population will increase because the relationship between energy and mineral resources and food production is a very fragile equation, subject to any number of discontinuities. To these, add the complications of weather disasters arising from climate change, including drought, the spread of plant diseases, and so forth. This lagging further rise in human population will only make the inevitable contraction more acute, once food shortages begin. Anyway, 7 billion already amounts to a human population overshoot in relation to the planet earth’s ecology. We're putting a strain on everything the earth has to offer us. While the combination of peak stuff and 7 billion humans is forcing the issue, I think the truth is that circumstances will now determine what happens, not policies or personalities. ** James H. Kunstler, ''Too Much Magic'', p. 8-10. * If I were entering adulthood now instead of in the environment of 50 years ago, I would choose a career that kept me in contact with nature more than science. This is a choice an individual still can make—but no longer mankind in general. Too few natural areas remain. Both by intent and indifference we have insulated ourselves from the wilderness that produced us. '''Our emphasis of science has resulted in alarming rises in world populations that demand an ever-increasing emphasis of science to improve their standards and maintain their vigor.''' ** [[Charles Lindbergh]], ''The Wisdom of Wilderness'', ''LIFE'', December 22, 1967. * It is still the case that the worst enemies of life are, on the one hand, an excess of life (human life, in particular) and, on the other, the legislation and structure of societies based on {{w|market economy}}. The sturdier a society, the more peaceful it is; the more efficient {{w|economic growth}} (i.e., the ransacking of natural resources), the quicker {{w|Biodiversity loss|other forms of life will step aside}}. Everything that upsets the established order of society, causing chaos and panic, gives time to nature and, ultimately, humans too. ** [[Pentti Linkola]], ''Can Life Prevail?: A Revolutionary Approach to the Environmental Crisis.'' p. 166 === M - R === * The Earth's population is plagued by famines, energy shortages, epidemics, environmental pollution, degeneration, terrorism, dictatorship, anarchism, slavery, excessive increase of waste materials, racial hatred, food shortages, destruction of rain forests, the "greenhouse effect", pollution of lakes, streams and oceans, hatred towards asylum-seekers; radioactive emissions, chemical pollution of water, air, plants, food, human beings and animals. Crime, murder, mass murders, manslaughter; alcoholism, hatred of strangers, oppression, hatred of one's fellowman, extremism, sectarianism, drug addiction, overpopulation, annihilation of animal species, war, violence, torture and capital punishment, general mismanagement, water contamination, eradication of plant species; hatred, vice, jealousy, lovelessness, lack of logic, false humanitarianism, lack of housing, increased traffic, destruction of arable land, unemployment, the collapse of health care, the collapse of care for the elderly, destruction of nature, the collapse of solid waste removal, and the lack of living space, among others. In spite of the many efforts, '''mankind's problems are not decreasing but, instead, continue to rise steadily in direct proportion to population increases.''' ** {{w|Eduard Albert Meier}}, "[http://www.futureofmankind.co.uk/Billy_Meier/Overpopulation_Crusade A Crusade Against Overpopulation]," on ''futureofmankind.co.uk.'' * Human numbers are rising at roughly 1.2% a year, while {{w|livestock}} numbers are rising at around 2.4% a year. By 2050 the world’s living systems will have to support about 120m tonnes of extra humans, and 400m tonnes of extra farm animals. ** [[George Monbiot]], "[https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/nov/19/population-crisis-farm-animals-laying-waste-to-planet There’s a population crisis all right. But probably not the one you think]". ''The Guardian''. November 19, 2015. *Putting an end to the population explosion will not of itself save the ecosphere, but not ending it will add greatly to the dangers the planet faces. The environment can sustain a quality of life for just so many people. **[[Michael Parenti]], ''Blackshirts and Reds: Rational Fascism and the Overthrow of Communism. '' (1997), p. 155 *Human overpopulation, the ever increasing power of our technology, and the demand of our omnicidal, neoliberal economic system of infinite growth on the basis of finite resources threaten the earth with total destruction. **{{w|Norm Phelps}}, quoted in ''The Politics of Total Liberation: Revolution for the 21st Century'' by [[Steven Best]], (2014), p. ix === S - Z === * Erroneous belief about population growth has cost dearly. In poor countries, it has directed attention away from the factor that we now know is central in a country's economic development, its economic and political system. And in rich countries, misdirected attention to population growth and its supposed consequence of natural-resource shortages has caused waste through such programs as now-abandoned synthetic fuel programs, and the useless development of airplanes that would be appropriate for an age of greater scarcity. ** [[w:Julian Lincoln Simon|Julian Lincoln Simon]], "[http://www.juliansimon.com/writings/Norton/NORTON02.txt Scarcity or Abundance? A Debate on the Environment]," on ''juliansimon.com'' * Adding more people causes problems, but people are also the means to solve these problems. The main fuel to speed our progress is our stock of knowledge, and the brake is our lack of imagination. The ultimate resource is people – skilled, spirited, and hopeful people who will exert their wills and imaginations for their own benefit, and inevitably they will benefit not only themselves but the rest of us as well. ** [[w:Julian Lincoln Simon|Julian Lincoln Simon]], [http://www.juliansimon.com/writings/Ultimate_Resource/TCONCLUS.txt The Ultimate Resource] * History upon Terra tells us what horrors follow upon religious mandates of unlimited reproduction. ** [[Sheri S. Tepper]], ''[[w:Grass (novel)|Grass]]'' (1989), Chapter 12 * The pattern of human population growth in the 20th century was more bacterial than primate. When ''Homo sapiens'' passed the six billion mark we had already exceeded by perhaps as much as 100 times the [[w:Biomass (ecology)|biomass]] of any large animal species that had ever existed on the land. We and the rest of life cannot afford another 100 years like that. ** [[E. O. Wilson]], quoted in ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=heOrAAAAQBAJ&pg=PA83#v=onepage&q&f=false Life on the Brink: Environmentalists Confront Overpopulation]''. University of Georgia Press (2012), p. 83 == See also == * [[Sustainable development]] * [[Sustainability]] ==Further reading== *{{Cite web|url=http://www.panearth.org/WVPI/Papers/FoodPopulationSummary.pdf|title=A Summary of Human Population Dynamics|work=Russell Hopfenberg|publisher=Pan Earth}} ==External links== {{wikipedia|Human overpopulation}} {{wiktionary|overpopulation}} *[https://population.org.au/about-population/global-population Quotes on Human Over-Population and Related Subjects], ''Sustainable Population Australia'' *[https://www.theguardian.com/global-development-professionals-network/gallery/2015/apr/01/over-population-over-consumption-in-pictures Overpopulation, overconsumption – in pictures]. ''{{w|The Guardian}}'' April 1, 2015. [[Category:Biology]] [[Category:Sociology]] [[Category:Sustainability]] 2rsw9bfnpcxus91bfnp4gr6bwji7j90 3157851 3157848 2022-08-25T14:54:52Z 2001:1388:661:D446:5C3B:3E25:7D8A:F2E4 /* M - R */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Chingay Johor 2018.jpg|thumb|Overpopulation]] '''[[w:Overpopulation|Overpopulation]]''' is the condition of any organism's numbers exceeding the [[w:carrying capacity|carrying capacity]] of its [[w:ecological niche|ecological niche]]. __NOTOC__ :<small>'''CONTENT'''</small> : [[#A - F|A - F]] , [[#G - L|G - L]] , [[#M - R|M - R]] , [[#S - Z|S - Z]] , [[#See also|See also]] , [[#External links|External links]] == Quotes == :''Quotes are arranged alphabetically by author'' === A - F === *'''Babies are the enemies of the human race'''... Let's consider it this way: by the time the world doubles its population, the amount of energy we will be using will be increased sevenfold which means probably the amount of pollution that we are producing will also be increased sevenfold. If we are now threatened by pollution at the present rate, how will we be threatened with sevenfold pollution by, say, 2010 A.D., distributed among twice the population? We'll be having to grow twice the food out of soil that is being poisoned at seven times the rate. ** [[Isaac Asimov]] (1969) in an interview with Boston magazine. Partly cited in Ellen Peck (1976). ''The baby trap,'' p. 17 * It's going to destroy it all. I use what I call my bathroom metaphor. If two people live in an apartment, and there are two bathrooms, then both have what I call freedom of the bathroom, go to the bathroom any time you want, and stay as long as you want to for whatever you need. And this to my way is ideal. And everyone believes in the freedom of the bathroom. It should be right there in the Constitution. But if you have 20 people in the apartment and two bathrooms, no matter how much every person believes in freedom of the bathroom, there is no such thing. You have to set up, you have to set up times for each person, you have to bang at the door, aren't you through yet, and so on. And in the same way, '''[[democracy]] cannot survive overpopulation. Human dignity cannot survive it. Convenience and decency cannot survive it.''' As you put more and more people onto the world, the value of life not only declines, but it disappears. It doesn't matter if someone dies. ** [[Isaac Asimov]] (1988) in interview by [[Bill Moyers]] on ''Bill Moyers' World Of Ideas'' (17 October 1988); [http://www.pbs.org/moyers/faithandreason/print/pdfs/woi%20asimov1.pdf transcript] (page 6) - [http://www.pbs.org/moyers/faithandreason/media_players/asimovwoi_audio.html audio (20:12)] ** Comment in response to this question by [[w:Bill Moyers|Bill Moyers]]: What do you see happening to the idea of [[dignity]] to human species if this population growth continues at its present rate? * We are a plague on the Earth. It’s coming home to roost over the next 50 years or so. It’s not just climate change; it’s sheer space, places to grow food for this enormous horde. Either we limit our population growth, or the natural world will do it for us, and the natural world is doing it for us right now. ** [[David Attenborough]], [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/earth/earthnews/9815862/Humans-are-plague-on-Earth-Attenborough.html David Attenborough - Humans are plague on Earth]. ''The Telegraph'', January 22, 2013. *The success of modern medicine is today so great, that millions of people are kept alive - if not cured - who in earlier days, and with less scientific aptitude, would normally have died. In this developed skill and knowledge, and in this aptitude in the care of the physical mechanism, is today to be found a major world problem - the problem of overpopulation of the planet, leading to the herd life of humanity and the consequent economic problem - to mention only one of the incidental difficulties of this success. This "unnatural" preservation of life is the cause of much suffering, and is a fruitful source of war, being contrary to the karmic intent of the planetary Logos.<BR>With this vast problem, I cannot here deal. I can only indicate it. It will be solved when the fear of [[death]] disappears, and when humanity learns the significance of time and the meaning of the cycles. **[[Alice Bailey]], ''A Treatise on the Seven Rays: Volume 4: Esoteric Healing'' p. 278 (1953). ISBN 978-0-85330-121-9. * Whereas the unconscious operations and blind forces of the planet have provoked turbulent changes over the last 4.5 billion years of earth’s evolutionary history, now change is being directed by a conscious and volitional agent – "humanity." We cannot speak of humanity equally, to be sure, as the problem was caused by the industrialized capitalist West and the poorer nations who contributed least to climate crisis will be hit the hardest. '''But nations such as China, India, and Brazil are major contributors, and the cumulative impact of 7.5 billion people on the planet is causing extinction and collapse everywhere.''' The stability of the Holocene is now gone, changes are accelerating beyond our understanding and control, and chaos waits at our door. ** [[Steven Best]], [https://drstevebest.wordpress.com/2019/12/03/total-liberation-in-the-age-of-the-anthropocene-and-climate-emergency/ Total Liberation in the Age of the Anthropocene and Climate Emergency], 2019 * In my opinion, you have out-of-control population growth, and you have fewer and fewer [resources]—we are heading for the biggest train wreck our civilization has ever come across ever. Ever. And I think that within 40 or 50 years, we’ll be there. If your population curve is on an exponential growth, and the resources are on an exponential decline, what happens first is you get increases in wealth discrepancy, which means that you get rich pockets of gated communities with security guards outside them, and you get more and more poverty outside that area. And the resources go down, and people start having resource wars over water and food and agriculture and arable land, and then you have Joburg in 2050. And you can see signs of it everywhere. It’s just overpopulation and lack of resources. We just aren’t in control of our destiny. :* {{w|Neill Blomkamp}} in: ''[http://www.avclub.com/article/idistrict-9-idirector-neill-blomkamp-31606 District 9 director Neill Blomkamp],'' By Tasha Robinson on ''avclub.com,'' August 12, 2009. * ... Reverend THOMAS MALTHUS' prediction made in 1798—that man would reproduce himself into a condition of "misery and vice" because of the growing imbalance caused by the multiplication of his own numbers by geometric progression, while his food supply was increasing arithmetically—is as valid today as when it was made. He was a visionary and saw clearly the monster of overpopulation. The only error in his prediction was one of a "few seconds on the clock of human occupancy of the earth". We, agriculturists, can buy at most a few decades of time in which to bring population growth into successful balance with food production. ** [[Norman Borlaug]]: [https://repository.cimmyt.org/bitstream/handle/10883/19272/9023.pdf?sequence=1 "Wheat breeding and its impact on world food supply."] In: ''Third International Wheat Genetics Symposium''. CIMMYT, 1968. * People displayed either persistent ignorance of the carrying capacity concept or naive faith that carrying capacity could always be expanded, that limits could always be transcended. Such an assump­tion seemed to underlie the stubborn refusal of capitalists and Marx­ists alike to acknowledge that the myth of limitlessness had, at last, become obsolete. There was also the assumption that further ad­vances in technology would necessarily enlarge carrying capacity, not reduce it. Enlargement of carrying capacity had been the role of tech­nology in the past; however, […] there has been a reversal of this role in the industrial era. Technology has en­larged human appetites for natural resources, thus diminishing the number of us that a given environment can support. **William R. Catton Jr., ''Overshoot'' (1980), p. 31–32. * Man has imagined himself to be more unlike other mammals than he really is, so when human behavior has shown these same characteristics, various other explanations have been put forth which have obscured the significance of population pressure itself. In the twentieth century, with human numbers enlarged and resource draw­down becoming significant, man went to war. He rioted in the streets. He committed more and more crimes of violence. His political atti­tudes polarized and he created totalitarian governments, some of which gave license to sadistic tendencies. A generation gap widened and deepened. In spite of earnest efforts by humane activists to inhibit racism and to rectify economic inequality, disparities between people remained and animosities became more virulent. Standards of de­cency in behavior toward others and expectations of considerate self-­restraint were eroded and degraded in many places. ** William R. Catton Jr., ''Overshoot'' (1980), p. 107. *Life has now entered a {{w|sixth mass extinction}}. This is probably the most serious environmental problem, because the loss of a species is permanent, each of them playing a greater or lesser role in the living systems on which we all depend. The species extinctions that define the current crisis are, in turn, based on the massive disappearance of their component populations, mostly since the 1800s. The massive losses that we are experiencing are being caused, directly or indirectly, by the activities of Homo sapiens. They have almost all occurred since our ancestors developed agriculture, some 11,000 y ago. At that time, we numbered about 1 million people worldwide; now there are 7.7 billion of us, and our numbers are still rapidly growing. '''As our numbers have grown, humanity has come to pose an unprecedented threat to the vast majority of its living companions'''. ** Gerardo Ceballos, [[Paul R. Ehrlich]], and {{w|Peter H. Raven}}, ''[https://www.pnas.org/content/early/2020/05/27/1922686117 Vertebrates on the brink as indicators of biological annihilation and the sixth mass extinction]''. ''{{w|PNAS}}'', June 1, 2020. *Man will come to realize that the over-population of the world is a grave danger to the continuation of the species. Today, one of the major reasons - and this is the extraordinary paradox - for the huge population in the world is the over-population of the poorer areas of the world, the Third World, those nations least able to afford to feed their peoples... they are dependent on having large families because they know that two-thirds or more will die before they can grow up, and the traditional peasant outlook on families as people to look after them in their old age. That is their insurance, their pension for the future... They have large families in many areas of the world simply to ensure that one, two, or maybe three will live into adulthood. **[[Benjamin Creme]] in ''The Reappearance of the Christ and the Masters of Wisdom'' (1980) *When... we share the produce of the world, you will see that the masses of poor people who are producing most of the forms for the incarnating egos will take the steps needed to prevent this, and gradually the population will subside to a level which the planet can easily bear. **[[Benjamin Creme]] in ''The Reappearance of the Christ and the Masters of Wisdom'' (1980) * The key to understanding overpopulation is not population density but the numbers of people in an area relative to its resources and the capacity of the environment to sustain human activities; that is, to the area’s carrying capacity. When is an area overpopulated? When its population can’t be maintained without rapidly depleting nonrenewable resources... By this standard, the entire planet and virtually every nation is already vastly overpopulated. ** Paul R. Ehrlich, ''The Population Explosion'' (1990) *The debate regarding which individual factor, among the three key factors producing the environmental crisis, causes more damage - the size of the human population on the planet, excessive consumption of resources or unequal/ unjust distribution of resources among countries [the wealthier countries consume much more resources, per person on average than poorer countries] - is like a debate about which contributes more to a triangle, the base or the ribs of the triangle. You can not separate the three factors. If we analyze the numbers over a relatively longer time interval, we will conclude that the size of the population has a bigger impact than consumption. On the other hand, consumption and unequal distribution are also important aspects. If we do not change these three factors all at the same time, the quality of our life will change dramatically. Today '''humanity is delivering a serious blow to nature, but it is clear that nature will deliver the final blow.''' ** Paul R. Ehrlich, ''[http://www.haaretz.co.il/1.1875624 People should produce far fewer children, or expect the worst]'' (Dec. 2012) *Earth is home to millions of species. Just one dominates it. Us. '''Our cleverness, our inventiveness, and our activities have modified almost every part of our planet. In fact, we are having a profound impact on it. Indeed, our cleverness, our inventiveness, and our activities are now the drivers of every global problem we face. And every one of these problems is accelerating as we continue to grow towards a global population of ten billion. In fact, I believe we can rightly call the situation we're in right now an emergency – an unprecedented planetary emergency.'''<br> **{{w|Stephen Emmott}}, ''[https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2013/jun/30/stephen-emmott-ten-billion 10 Billion]'', as summarized in ''The Guardian'', June 30, 2013. *"Intensification of [food] production to feed an increased population leads to a still greater increase in population." **[[Peter Farb]] quoted in Ian J. Drake, What the Gorilla Saw: Environmental Studies and the Novel Ishmael, ISLE: Interdisciplinary Studies in Literature and Environment, Volume 22, Issue 3, Summer 2015, Pages 568–581, https://doi.org/10.1093/isle/isu141 === G - L === * My growing environmental awareness only adds more fuel to the argument for having no children. And the logic of never-ending consumption does not just harm the environment, it kills people too. ** [[w:Xiaolu Guo|Xiaolu Guo]], ''Once Upon A Time in the East: A Story of Growing up'', Chatto & Windus, 2017, page 305 (ISBN 9781784740689). * Around 1990, we became the most numerous mammalian species on the planet, outnumbering even rats. ** [[Thom Hartmann]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=xep4DwJhopkC&newbks=1&newbks_redir=0&lpg=PP1&pg=PA15#v=onepage&q&f=false The Last Hours of Ancient Sunlight: Revised and Updated Third Edition: The Fate of the World and What We Can Do Before It's Too Late]'' (2007), p. 15 * All measures to thwart the degradation and destruction of our ecosystem will be useless if we do not cut population growth. ** [[Chris Hedges]], "[https://www.truthdig.com/articles/we-are-breeding-ourselves-to-extinction/ We Are Breeding Ourselves to Extinction]", March 9, 2009. *We are experiencing an accelerated obliteration of the planet’s life-forms — an estimated 8,760 species die off per year — because, simply put, there are too many people. Most of these extinctions are the direct result of the expanding need for energy, housing, food and other resources. '''The {{w|Baiji|Yangtze River dolphin}}, {{w|Atlantic gray whale}}, {{w|Western black rhinoceros|West African black rhino}}, {{w|Merriam's elk}}, {{w|California grizzly bear}}, {{w|silver trout}}, {{w|blue pike}} and {{w|dusky seaside sparrow}} are all victims of human overpopulation.''' Population growth, as [[E. O. Wilson]] says, is "the monster on the land." Species are vanishing at a rate of a hundred to a thousand times faster than they did before the arrival of humans. If the current rate of extinction continues, Homo sapiens will be one of the few life-forms left on the planet, its members scrambling violently among themselves for water, food, fossil fuels and perhaps air until they too disappear. Humanity, Wilson says, is leaving the Cenozoic, the age of mammals, and entering the Eremozoic — the era of solitude. As long as the Earth is viewed as the personal property of the human race, a belief embraced by everyone from born-again Christians to Marxists to free-market economists, we are destined to soon inhabit a biological wasteland. ** Chris Hedges, "[https://www.truthdig.com/articles/we-are-breeding-ourselves-to-extinction/ We Are Breeding Ourselves to Extinction]", March 9, 2009. *Of course, we also have to think about the role of population going forward. The more the global population grows, the more difficult this challenge will be. As we approach this question, it's crucial - as always - that we focus on underlying structural drivers. Many women around the world do not have control over their bodies and the number of children they have. Even in liberal nations women come under heavy social pressure to reproduce, often to the point where those who choose to have fewer or no children are interrogated and stigmatised. Poverty exacerbates these problems considerably. And of course [[capitalism]] itself creates pressures for population growth: more people means more labour, cheaper labour, and more consumers. These pressures filter into our culture, and even into national policy: countries like France and Japan are offering incentives to get women to have more children, to keep their economies growing. **[[Jason Hickel]], ''Less is More: How Degrowth Will Save the World'', 2021, pp. 110-111 * For those of you who have just turned twenty and thus only just earned the right to vote, I will speak simply and plainly. In a word, without fail there comes a time when we must reduce our population in order to maintain the world. ** Chang-Gyu Kim, [https://clarkesworldmagazine.com/chang-gyu_11_19/ ''Sentinel''], (Korean 2010; English translation 2019) * Unlike plagues of the dark ages or contemporary diseases we do not yet understand, the modern plague of overpopulation is soluble by means we have discovered and with resources we possess. What is lacking is not sufficient knowledge of the solution but universal consciousness of the gravity of the problem and education of the billions who are its victims. ** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], acceptance speech, Margaret Sanger award in human rights 1966; Lamont Hempil ''Sustainable communities''. * We have learned a lot in the 50 years since "{{w|The Population Bomb}}" was published. We should not shy away from discussing what actions are ethically permissible to facilitate a stable level of {{w|population growth}}, nor should we leave this discussion in the hands of the affluent. The conversation about ethics, population, and reproduction needs to shift from the perspective of white donor countries to the places and people most affected by [[poverty]], [[climate change]] and {{w|environmental degradation}}. ** {{w|Frances Kissling}}, Jotham Musinguzi and [[Peter Singer]], "[https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/talking-about-overpopulation-is-still-taboo-that-has-to-change/2018/06/18/ca7c1838-6e6f-11e8-afd5-778aca903bbe_story.html Talking about overpopulation is still taboo. That has to change]". ''{{w|The Washington Post}}''. June 18, 2018. * [[Thomas Robert Malthus|[Thomas] Malthus]] was certainly correct [that demand will outstrip supply], but [...] [hydrocarbons] [...] skewed the [supply-demand] equation over the past [two] hundred years while the human race has enjoyed an unprecedented orgy of [a fraction of] nonrenewable condensed solar energy accumulated over eons of prehistory. The “green revolution” in boosting crop yields was minimally about scientific innovation in crop genetics and mostly about dumping massive amounts of fertilizers and pesticides made [...] of [...] [petroleum] onto crops, as well as employing irrigation at a fantastic scale made possible by abundant oil and gas. The cheap oil age created an artificial bubble of plenitude for a period not much longer than a human lifetime, a hundred years. Within that […], the idea took hold that only grouches, spoilsports, and godless maniacs considered population hypergrowth a problem [with a direct solution], and that to even raise the issue was indecent. [...] As oil ceases to be cheap and the world reserves arc toward depletion, we will indeed suddenly be left with an enormous surplus population [...] that the ecology of the earth will not support. No political program of birth control will avail. The people are already here. The journey back to non-oil population homeostasis will not be pretty. '''We will discover the hard way that population hypergrowth was simply a side effect of the oil age.''' It was [more of] a condition [without a remedy], not a problem with a [direct] solution. That is what happened, and we are stuck with it. ** [[James Howard Kunstler|James H. Kunstler]], ''{{w|The Long Emergency}}'', p. 8. * We've achieved a global human population of about 7 billion as of this writing. Peak human population will surely lag behind peak oil and peak mineral resources until these conditions express themselves as food shortages. This means that the human population will continue to rise for a while, even as we begin to encounter these very strict resource limits. It’s not possible to estimate how much the population will increase because the relationship between energy and mineral resources and food production is a very fragile equation, subject to any number of discontinuities. To these, add the complications of weather disasters arising from climate change, including drought, the spread of plant diseases, and so forth. This lagging further rise in human population will only make the inevitable contraction more acute, once food shortages begin. Anyway, 7 billion already amounts to a human population overshoot in relation to the planet earth’s ecology. We're putting a strain on everything the earth has to offer us. While the combination of peak stuff and 7 billion humans is forcing the issue, I think the truth is that circumstances will now determine what happens, not policies or personalities. ** James H. Kunstler, ''Too Much Magic'', p. 8-10. * If I were entering adulthood now instead of in the environment of 50 years ago, I would choose a career that kept me in contact with nature more than science. This is a choice an individual still can make—but no longer mankind in general. Too few natural areas remain. Both by intent and indifference we have insulated ourselves from the wilderness that produced us. '''Our emphasis of science has resulted in alarming rises in world populations that demand an ever-increasing emphasis of science to improve their standards and maintain their vigor.''' ** [[Charles Lindbergh]], ''The Wisdom of Wilderness'', ''LIFE'', December 22, 1967. * It is still the case that the worst enemies of life are, on the one hand, an excess of life (human life, in particular) and, on the other, the legislation and structure of societies based on {{w|market economy}}. The sturdier a society, the more peaceful it is; the more efficient {{w|economic growth}} (i.e., the ransacking of natural resources), the quicker {{w|Biodiversity loss|other forms of life will step aside}}. Everything that upsets the established order of society, causing chaos and panic, gives time to nature and, ultimately, humans too. ** [[Pentti Linkola]], ''Can Life Prevail?: A Revolutionary Approach to the Environmental Crisis.'' p. 166 === M - R === * There is no way we could keep going as we have been. The increase in human population in the 1990s has exceeded the total population in 1600. The population has grown more since 1950 than it did during the previous four million years. The reasons for our recent rapid growth are pretty clear. Although the Industrial Revolution speeded historical growth rates considerably, it was really the public-health revolution, and its spread to the Third World at the end of the Second World War, that set us galloping. Vaccines and antibiotics came all at once, and right behind came population. In Sri Lanka in the late 1940s life expectancy was rising at least a year every twelve months. How much difference did this make? Consider the United States: if people died throughout this century at the same rate as they did at its beginning, America's population would be 140 million, not 270 million. ** [[Bill McKibben]], "[https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/1998/05/a-special-moment-in-history/377106/ A Special Moment in History]", ''The Atlantic'', May 1998. * The Earth's population is plagued by famines, energy shortages, epidemics, environmental pollution, degeneration, terrorism, dictatorship, anarchism, slavery, excessive increase of waste materials, racial hatred, food shortages, destruction of rain forests, the "greenhouse effect", pollution of lakes, streams and oceans, hatred towards asylum-seekers; radioactive emissions, chemical pollution of water, air, plants, food, human beings and animals. Crime, murder, mass murders, manslaughter; alcoholism, hatred of strangers, oppression, hatred of one's fellowman, extremism, sectarianism, drug addiction, overpopulation, annihilation of animal species, war, violence, torture and capital punishment, general mismanagement, water contamination, eradication of plant species; hatred, vice, jealousy, lovelessness, lack of logic, false humanitarianism, lack of housing, increased traffic, destruction of arable land, unemployment, the collapse of health care, the collapse of care for the elderly, destruction of nature, the collapse of solid waste removal, and the lack of living space, among others. In spite of the many efforts, '''mankind's problems are not decreasing but, instead, continue to rise steadily in direct proportion to population increases.''' ** {{w|Eduard Albert Meier}}, "[http://www.futureofmankind.co.uk/Billy_Meier/Overpopulation_Crusade A Crusade Against Overpopulation]," on ''futureofmankind.co.uk.'' * Human numbers are rising at roughly 1.2% a year, while {{w|livestock}} numbers are rising at around 2.4% a year. By 2050 the world’s living systems will have to support about 120m tonnes of extra humans, and 400m tonnes of extra farm animals. ** [[George Monbiot]], "[https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/nov/19/population-crisis-farm-animals-laying-waste-to-planet There’s a population crisis all right. But probably not the one you think]". ''The Guardian''. November 19, 2015. *Putting an end to the population explosion will not of itself save the ecosphere, but not ending it will add greatly to the dangers the planet faces. The environment can sustain a quality of life for just so many people. **[[Michael Parenti]], ''Blackshirts and Reds: Rational Fascism and the Overthrow of Communism. '' (1997), p. 155 *Human overpopulation, the ever increasing power of our technology, and the demand of our omnicidal, neoliberal economic system of infinite growth on the basis of finite resources threaten the earth with total destruction. **{{w|Norm Phelps}}, quoted in ''The Politics of Total Liberation: Revolution for the 21st Century'' by [[Steven Best]], (2014), p. ix === S - Z === * Erroneous belief about population growth has cost dearly. In poor countries, it has directed attention away from the factor that we now know is central in a country's economic development, its economic and political system. And in rich countries, misdirected attention to population growth and its supposed consequence of natural-resource shortages has caused waste through such programs as now-abandoned synthetic fuel programs, and the useless development of airplanes that would be appropriate for an age of greater scarcity. ** [[w:Julian Lincoln Simon|Julian Lincoln Simon]], "[http://www.juliansimon.com/writings/Norton/NORTON02.txt Scarcity or Abundance? A Debate on the Environment]," on ''juliansimon.com'' * Adding more people causes problems, but people are also the means to solve these problems. The main fuel to speed our progress is our stock of knowledge, and the brake is our lack of imagination. The ultimate resource is people – skilled, spirited, and hopeful people who will exert their wills and imaginations for their own benefit, and inevitably they will benefit not only themselves but the rest of us as well. ** [[w:Julian Lincoln Simon|Julian Lincoln Simon]], [http://www.juliansimon.com/writings/Ultimate_Resource/TCONCLUS.txt The Ultimate Resource] * History upon Terra tells us what horrors follow upon religious mandates of unlimited reproduction. ** [[Sheri S. Tepper]], ''[[w:Grass (novel)|Grass]]'' (1989), Chapter 12 * The pattern of human population growth in the 20th century was more bacterial than primate. When ''Homo sapiens'' passed the six billion mark we had already exceeded by perhaps as much as 100 times the [[w:Biomass (ecology)|biomass]] of any large animal species that had ever existed on the land. We and the rest of life cannot afford another 100 years like that. ** [[E. O. Wilson]], quoted in ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=heOrAAAAQBAJ&pg=PA83#v=onepage&q&f=false Life on the Brink: Environmentalists Confront Overpopulation]''. University of Georgia Press (2012), p. 83 == See also == * [[Sustainable development]] * [[Sustainability]] ==Further reading== *{{Cite web|url=http://www.panearth.org/WVPI/Papers/FoodPopulationSummary.pdf|title=A Summary of Human Population Dynamics|work=Russell Hopfenberg|publisher=Pan Earth}} ==External links== {{wikipedia|Human overpopulation}} {{wiktionary|overpopulation}} *[https://population.org.au/about-population/global-population Quotes on Human Over-Population and Related Subjects], ''Sustainable Population Australia'' *[https://www.theguardian.com/global-development-professionals-network/gallery/2015/apr/01/over-population-over-consumption-in-pictures Overpopulation, overconsumption – in pictures]. ''{{w|The Guardian}}'' April 1, 2015. [[Category:Biology]] [[Category:Sociology]] [[Category:Sustainability]] sys3jnkoy9nd5xk5wofsovyquuye7l5 0 18835 3158026 3157132 2022-08-26T00:22:27Z Coningsby 10755 /* Quotes */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke (1678-1751).jpg |thumb|It is the [[modest]], not the [[presumptuous]], inquirer who makes a [[real]] and [[safe]] [[progress]] in the [[discovery]] of [[divine]] [[truths]].]] [[File:1stViscountBolingbroke.jpg|thumb|[[Truth]] lies within a little and certain compass, but [[error]] is immense.]] '''[[w:Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke|Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke]]''' ([[September 16]], [[1678]] – [[December 12]], [[1751]]) was an English statesman and philosopher. == Quotes == *We have been twenty years engaged in the two most expensive wars that Europe ever saw. The whole burthen of this charge has lain upon the landed interest during the whole time. The men of estates have, generally speaking, neither served in the fleets nor armies, nor meddled in the public funds, and management of the treasure.<br>A new interest has been created out of their fortunes, and a sort of property, which was not known twenty years ago, is now encreased to be almost equal to the terra firma of our island. The consequences of all this is, that the landed men are become poor and dispirited. They either abandon all thoughts of the publick, turn arrant farmers, and improve the estates they have left: or else they seek to repair their shattered fortunes by listing at court, or under the heads of partys. In the mean while those men are become their masters, who formerly would with joy have been their servants. **Letter to Lord Orrery (9 July 1709), quoted in 'The Letters of Henry St. John to the Earl of Orrery, 1709–1711', ed. H. T. Dickinson, ''Camden Miscellany, Vol. XXVI'' (1975), p. 146 *Though the condition of France by evident tokens appears to be miserable, yet their ill circumstances are certainly exaggerated in our accounts. I doubt, we may add that our own state is not much better than our enemy's, and that an unseasonable harvest would reduce our people to the same misery as we triumph over.<br>Peace is as much our interest as theirs. I am so firmly persuaded of this, that I will continue to hope the winter may ripen this glorious fruit, which the summer could not.<br>As to the conditions of this peace, it is melancholy to reflect, that those articles you speak of, which will in their consequence devolve so prodigious a power on Holland, seem to be agreed on all sides; whilst the single principle on which we engaged in the war, remaines the only point in dispute. **Letter to Lord Orrery (1 September 1709), quoted in 'The Letters of Henry St. John to the Earl of Orrery, 1709–1711', ed. H. T. Dickinson, ''Camden Miscellany, Vol. XXVI'' (1975), p. 147 *You may observe yourself...what a difference there is between the true strength of this nation and the fictitious one of the [[Whigs (British political party)|Whigs]]. How much time, how many lucky incidents, how many strains of power, how much money must go to create a majority of the latter; on the other hand, take but off the opinion that the Crown is another way inclined, the church interest rises with redoubled force, and by its natural genuine strength. **Letter to Mr. Drummond (10 November 1710), quoted in Gilbert Parke, ''Letters and Correspondence, Public and Private, of The Right Honourable Henry St. John, Lord Visc. Bolingbroke; during the Time he was Secretary of State to Queen Anne; with State Papers, Explanatory Notes, and a Translation of the Foreign Letters, &c.: Vol. I'' (1798), pp. 16–17 *A peace must be had; and all mankind sees plainly now, in how vile a manner former opportunities were neglected of making a better than at his hour we have reason to expect. **Letter to Lord Orrery (30 March 1711), quoted in 'The Letters of Henry St. John to the Earl of Orrery, 1709–1711', ed. H. T. Dickinson, ''Camden Miscellany, Vol. XXVI'' (1975), p. 163 *[I]t is a pretty shocking observation that the [[Anne of Great Britain|Queen]] is to be the guarantee for a loan of this extraordinary nature made by the Dutch, and especially at a time, when under pretence of disability they directly refuse to furnish their quotas for the sea service, in spight of the obligations of all sorts, which lye upon them to do otherwise. **Letter to Lord Orrery (6 April 1711), quoted in 'The Letters of Henry St. John to the Earl of Orrery, 1709–1711', ed. H. T. Dickinson, ''Camden Miscellany, Vol. XXVI'' (1975), p. 164 * '''Truth lies within a little and certain compass, but error is immense.''' ** ''Reflections upon Exile'' (1716) * We are born too late to see the beginning, and we did too soon to see the end of many things. ** ''On the Study and Use of History'' * I have read somewhere or other, — in [[w:Dionysius of Halicarnassus|Dionysius of Halicarnassus]], I think, — that history is philosophy teaching by examples. ** ''On the Study and Use of History'', letter 2; in fact this relates to a third-century AD treatise on rhetoric, wrongly attributed to Dionysius of Halicarnassus, which says (xi. 2): "The contact with manners then is education; and this Thucydides appears to assert when he says history is philosophy learned from examples". The line is not found in Thucydides. * Nations, like men, have their infancy. ** ''On the Study and Use of History'', letter 4 (1752) * They ([[w:Thucydides|Thucydides]] and [[w:Xenophon|Xenophon]]) maintained the dignity of history. ** ''On the Study and Use of History'', letter 5 (1752); compare [[Henry Fielding]], ''Tom Jones'', book xi. chap. ii.; [[Horace Walpole]], ''Advertisement to Letter to Sir Horace Mann''; [[Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay|Thomas Babington Macaulay]], ''History of England'', vol. i. chap. i. * The landed men are the true owners of our political vessel, the moneyed men are no more than passengers in it. ** ''Some Reflections on the Present State of the Nation'' (1753) * The second proposition admits and encourages the very practice we censure so justly, for which the saint [ [[Augustine of Hippo]] ] was so famous, and by which he contributed so much to promote contentions in his own days, and to perpetuate them to ours. The practice of deducing doctrines from the scriptures that are not evidently contained in them... Who does not see that the direct tendency of this practice is exactly the same as the event has proved it to be? It composes and propagates a religion, seemingly under the authority of God, but really under that of man. The principles of [[revelation]] are lost in [[theology]], or disfigured by it: and whilst some men are impudent enough to pretend, others are silly enough to believe, that they adhere to the [[gospel]], and maintain the cause of God against infidels and heretics, when they do nothing better, nor more, than espouse the conceits of men, whom enthusiasm, or the ambition of forming sects, or of making a great figure in them, has inspired. If you ask now what the practice of the [[w:Church Fathers|christian fathers]], and of other divines, should have been, in order to preserve the purity of faith, and to promote peace and charity, the answer is obvious... They should have adhered to the word of God: they should have paid no regard to [[w:Ancient Greek philosophy|heathen philosophy]], [[Judaism|jewish]] [[w:Kabbalah|cabala]], the sallies of enthusiasm, or the refinements of human ingenuity: they should have embraced, and held fast the articles of faith and doctrine, that were delivered in plain terms, or in unequivocal figures: they should not have been [[w:Dogma|dogmatical]] where the sense was doubtful, nor have presumed even to guess where the [[w:Holy Spirit (Christianity)|Holy Ghost]] left the veil of mystery undrawn. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=E6ATAAAAQAAJ ''Lord Bolingbroke's Philosophical Works''] (1754) Vol.III, Essay IV, Sect XVI * It is the modest, not the presumptuous, inquirer who makes a real and safe progress in the discovery of divine truths. One follows Nature and Nature's God; that is, he follows God in his works and in his word. ** Letter to [[Alexander Pope]]; compare: "Slave to no sect, who takes no private road, But looks through Nature up to Nature’s God", [[Alexander Pope]], ''Essay on Man'', epistle iv. line 331. * The shortest and surest way of arriving at real knowledge is to unlearn the lessons we have been taught, to mount the first principles, and take nobody's word about them. ** As quoted in ''Treasury of Wisdom, Wit and Humor, Odd Comparisons and Proverbs'' (1891) by Adam Woolever ===On the Spirit of Patriotism (1736)=== :<small>''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749)</small> *The manners of our fore-fathers were, I believe, in many respects better: they had more probity perhaps, they had certainly more show of honour, and greater industry. **p. 18 *One party [the [[Whigs (British political party)|Whigs]]<nowiki>]</nowiki> had given their whole attention, during several years, to the project of enriching themselves, and impoverishing the rest of the nation; and, by these and other means, of establishing their dominion under the government and with the favour of a family, who were foreigners, and therefore might believe, that they were established on the throne by the good will and strength of this party alone. This party in general were so intent on these views, and many of them, I fear, are so still, that they did not advert in time to the necessary consequences of the measures they abetted: nor did they consider, that the power they raised, and by which they hoped to govern their country, would govern them with the very rod of iron they forged, and would be the power of a prince or minister, not that of a party long. **pp. 20-21 *Another party [the [[w:Tories (British political party)|Tories]]<nowiki>]</nowiki> continued sour, sullen, and inactive, with judgments so weak, and passions so strong, that even experience, and a severe one surely, was lost upon them. They waited, like the ''Jews'', for a ''Messiah'', that may never come; and under whom, if he did come, they would be strangely disappointed in their expectations of glory and triumph, and universal dominion. Whilst they waited, they were marked out like the ''Jews'', a distinct race, hewers of wood and drawers of water, scarce members of the community, tho born in the country. **pp. 21-22 *The service of our country is no chimerical, but a real duty. He who admits the proofs of any other moral duty, drawn from the constitution of human nature, or from the moral fitness and unfitness of things, must admit them in favour of this duty, or be reduced to the most absurd inconsistency. **pp. 27-28 *To what higher station, to what greater glory can any mortal aspire, than to be, during the whole course of his life, the support of good, the controul of bad government, and the guardian of public liberty? **p. 29 *Neither [[Michel de Montaigne|Montaigne]] in writing his essays, nor [[René Descartes|DesCartes]] in building new worlds, nor [[Thomas Burnet|Burnet]] in framing an antedeluvian earth, no nor [[Isaac Newton|Newton]] in discovering and establishing the true laws of nature on experiment and a sublimer geometry, felt more intellectual joys; than he feels who is a ''real patriot'', who bends all the force of his understanding, and directs all his thoughts and actions, to the good of his country. **p. 31 *[[w:Henry Hyde, Viscount Cornbury|My Lord]], I have insisted the more on this duty which men owe to their country, because I came out of ''England'', and continue still, strongly affected with what I saw when I was there. Our government has approached, nearer than ever before, to the true principles of it, since the [[Glorious Revolution|revolution of one thousand six hundred and eighty eight]]: and the accession of the [[w:House of Hanover|present family]] to the throne, has given the fairest opportunities, as well as the justest reasons, for compleating the scheme of liberty, and improving it to perfection. **pp. 36-37 *[N]o human institution can arrive at perfection, and the most that human wisdom can do, is to procure the same or greater good, at the expence of less evil. **p. 45 *There have been periods when our government continued free, with strong appearances of becoming absolute. Let it be your glory, my Lord, and that of the new generation springing up with you, that this government do not become absolute at any future period, with the appearances of being free. **p. 46 ===''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738)=== :<small>''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749)</small> *I think, and every wise and honest man in generations yet unborn will think, if the history of [thi]s administration descends to blacken our annals, that the greatest iniquity of the minister <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Robert Walpole]]<nowiki>]</nowiki>, on whom the whole iniquity ought to be charged, since he has been so long in possession of the whole power, is the constant endeavour he has employed to corrupt the ''morals'' of ''men''. **pp. 68-69 *The minister <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Robert Walpole]]<nowiki>]</nowiki> preaches corruption aloud and constantly, like an impudent missionary of vice. **p. 72 *It seems to me, upon the whole matter, that to save or redeem a nation under such circumstances from perdition, nothing less is necessary than some great, some extraordinary conjuncture of ill fortune, or of good, which may ''purge'', yet ''so as by fire''. Distress from abroad, bankruptcy at home, and other circumstances of like nature and tendency, may beget universal confusion. Out of confusion order may arise: but it may be the order of a wicked tyranny, instead of the order of a just monarchy. Either may happen: and such an alternative, at the disposition of fortune, is sufficient to make a [[w:Stoic|stoic]] tremble! We may be saved indeed by means of a very different kind; but these means will not offer themselves, this way of salvation will not be opened to us, without the concurrence, and the influence of a P<small>ATRIOT</small> K<small>ING</small>, the most uncommon of all phænomena in the physical or moral world. Nothing can so surely and so effectually restore the virtue and public spirit, essential to the preservation of liberty, and national prosperity, as the reign of such a prince. **pp. 72-73 *I esteem monarchy above any other form of government, and hereditary monarchy above elective. I reverence kings, their office, their rights, their persons; and it will never be owing to the ''principles'' I am going to establish, because the character and government of a ''patriot king'' can be established on no other, if their ''office'' and their ''right'' are not always held ''divine'', and their persons always ''sacred''. **pp. 83-84 *The obligation of submission to both, is discoverable by so clear and so simple an use of our intellectual faculties, that it may be said properly enough to be ''revealed to us by God''; and tho ''both'' these laws cannot be said properly to be given by Him, yet our obligation to submit to the ''civil'' law is a principal paragraph in the ''natural'' law, which he has most manifestly given us. **pp. 84-85 *It follows, therefore, that he who breaks the ''laws of his country'' resists the ''ordinance of God'', that is, the law of his nature. God has instituted neither monarchy, nor aristocracy, nor democracy, nor mixed government: but tho God has instituted no particular form of government among men, yet by the general laws of his kingdom, he exacts our obedience to the laws of those communities to which each of us is attached by birth, or to which we may be attached by a subsequent and lawful engagement. **pp. 85-86 *Nothing can be more absurd, in pure ''speculation'', than an hereditary right in any mortal to govern other men: and yet, in ''practice'', nothing can be more absurd than to have a king to choose at every vacancy of a throne. We draw at a ''lottery'' indeed in one case, where there are many chances to lose, and few to gain. But have we much more advantage of this kind in the other? I think not. Upon these , and upon most occasions, the multitude would do at least as well to trust to chance as choice, and to their fortune as to their judgment. **pp. 89-90 *To conclude this head therefore, as I think a ''limited monarchy'' the best of governments, so I think an ''hereditary monarchy'' the best of monarchies. I said a ''limited monarchy''; for an ''unlimited monarchy'', wherein arbitrary will, which is in truth no rule, is however the sole rule, or stands instead of all rule of government, is so great an absurdity, both in reason informed or uninformed by experience, that it seems a government fitter for savages than for civilized people. **pp. 91-92 *Among many reasons which determine me to prefer ''monarchy'' to every form of government, this is a principal one. When monarchy is the essential form, it may be more easily and more usefully ''tempered'' with ''aristocracy'' or ''democracy'', or both, than either of them, when they are the essential forms, can be ''tempered'' with ''monarchy''. It seems to me, that the introduction of a real permanent monarchical power, or any thing more than the pageantry of it, into either of these, must destroy them and extinguish them, as a great light extinguishes a less. Where it may easily be shewn, and the true form of our government will demonstrate, without seeking any other example, that very considerable ''aristocratical'' and ''democratical powers'' may be grafted on a ''monarchical stock'', without diminishing the lustre, or restraining the power and authority of the prince, enough to alter in any degree the essential form. **pp. 92-93 *There must be an absolute, unlimited, and uncontroulable power lodged ''somewhere'' in every government; but to constitute monarchy, or the government of a single person, it is not necessary that this power should be lodged in the monarch ''alone''. **p. 93 *There are ''limitations'' indeed that would destroy the ''essential form'' of monarchy: or, in other words, a monarchical constitution may be changed, under pretence of limiting the monarch. This happened among us in the last century, when the vilest usurpation, and the most infamous tyranny, were established over our nation, by some of the worst and some of the meanest men in it. I will not say, that the ''essential form'' of monarchy should be preserved, tho the preservation of it were to cause the loss of ''liberty''. ''Salus reipsuprema lex esto'', is a fundamental law: and sure I am, the ''safety'' of a commonwealth is ill provided for, if the ''liberty'' be given up. But this I presume to say, and can demonstrate, that ''all'' the limitations necessary to preserve liberty, as long as the ''spirit'' of it subsists, and longer than that, no limitations of monarchy, nor any other form of government, can preserve it, are ''compatible'' with monarchy. **p. 96 *My aim is to fix this principle, that ''limitations'' on a crown ought to be carried ''as far'' as it is necessary to secure the liberties of a people; and that all ''such limitations'' may subsist, without weakening or endangering monarchy. **p. 97 *As soon as corruption ceases to be an expedient of government, and it will cease to be such as soon as a patriot king is raised to the throne, the ''panacea'' is applied: the spirit of the constitution revives of course; and as fast as it revives, the orders and forms of the constitution are restored to their primitive integrity, and become what they were intended to be; ''real barriers'' against arbitrary power, not ''blinds'' nor ''masks'' under which tyranny may lie concealed. Depravation of manners exposed the constitution to ruin; reformation will secure it. **p. 134 *A patriot king is the most powerful of all reformers; for he is himself a sort of standing miracle, so rarely seen and so little understood, that the sure effects of his appearance will be admiration and love in every honest breast, confusion and terror to every guilty conscience, but submission and resignation in all. A new people will seem to arise with a new king. In numerable metamorphoses, like those which poets feign, will happen in very deed: and while men are conscious that they are the same individuals, the difference of their sentiments will almost persuade them that they are changed into different beings. **p. 135 *By the principles of the [[Glorious Revolution|Revolution]], a subject may resist, no doubt, the prince who endeavours to ruin and enslave his people, and may push this resistance to the dethronement and exclusion of him and his race: but will it follow, that, because we may justly take arms against a prince whose right to govern we once acknowledged, and who by subsequent acts has forfeited that right, we may swear to a right we do not acknowledge, and resist a prince whose conduct has not forfeited the right we swore to, nor given any just dispensation from our oaths? **p. 171 *The situation of ''Great Britain'', the character of her people, and the nature of her government fit her for trade and commerce. Her climate and her soil make them necessary to her well being. By trade and commerce we grew a rich and powerful nation, and by their decay we are growing poor and impotent. As trade and commerce enrich, so they fortify our country. The sea is our barrier, ships are our fortresses, and the mariners, that trade and commerce alone can furnish, are the garrisons to defend them. **pp. 184-185 *The ''French'' may improve their natural wealth and power by the improvement of trade and commerce. We can have no wealth, nor power by consequence, as ''Europe'' is now constituted, without the improvement of them, nor in any degree but proportionably to this improvement. **p. 186 *The result of what has been said is, ''in general'', that the wealth and power of all nations depending so much on their trade and commerce, and every nation being...in such different circumstances of advantage or disadvantage in the pursuit of this common interest; a good government, and therefore the government of a patriot king, will be directed constantly to make the most of every advantage that nature has given, or art can procure towards the improvement of trade and commerce. And this is one of the principal criterions, by which we are to judge whether governors are in the true interest of the people, or not.<br>It results, ''in particular'', that ''Great Britain'' might improve her wealth and power in a proportion superior to that of any nation who can be deemed her rival, if the advantages she has were as wisely cultivated, as they will be in the reign of a patriot king. **pp. 186-187 *A patriot king will neither neglect, nor sacrifice his country's interest. No other interest, neither a foreign nor a domestic, neither a public nor a private, will influence his conduct in government... To give ease and encouragement to manufactory at home, to assist and protect trade abroad, to improve and keep in heart the national colonies, like so many farms of the mother-country, will be principal and constant parts of the attention of such a prince. **pp. 190-191 *By a continual attention to improve her natural, that is her maritime strength, by collecting all her forces with in herself, and reserving them to be laid out on great occasions, such as regard her immediate interests and her honour, or such as are truly important to the general system of power in ''Europe''; she may be the ''arbitrator'' of ''differences'', the ''guardian'' of ''liberty'', and the ''preserver'' of that ''[[w:Balance of power (international relations)|Balance]]'', which has been so much talked of, and is so little understood. **pp. 193-194 *Like other amphibious animals, we must come occasionally on shore: but the water is more properly our element, and in it, like them, as we find our greatest security, so we exert our greatest force. **p. 195 *In his place, concord will appear, brooding peace and prosperity on the happy land; joy fitting in every face, content in every heart; a people unoppressed, undisturbed, unalarmed; busy to improve their private property and the public stock; fleets covering the ocean; bringing home wealth by the returns of industry; carrying assistance or terror abroad by the direction of wisdom; and asserting triumphantly the right and the honour of ''Great Britain'', as far as waters roll and as winds can waft them.<br>Those who live to see such happy days, and to act in so glorious a scene, will perhaps call to mind with some tenderness of sentiment, when he is no more, a ''man'', who contributed his mite to carry on so good a work, and who desired life for nothing so much, as to see a king of ''Great Britain'' the most popular man in his country, and a ''patriot king'' at the head of an united people. **pp. 225-226 ==Quotes about Bolingbroke== *Who now reads Bolingbroke? Who ever read him through? ... I do not often quote Bolingbroke, nor have his works in general, left any permanent impression on my mind. He is a presumptuousness and a superficial writer. But he has one observation, which in my opinion, is not without depth and solidity. He says, that he prefers a monarchy to other governments; because you can better ingraft any description of republic on a monarchy than any thing of monarchy upon the republican forms. I think him perfectly in the right. **[[Edmund Burke]], ''[[Reflections on the Revolution in France]]'' (1790), pp. 133, 187 *He engaged young, and distinguished himself in business; and his penetration was almost intuition. I am old enough to have heard him speak in parliament. And I remember that, though prejudiced against him by party, I felt all the force and charms of his eloquence. Like Belial in [[John Milton|Milton]], “he made the worse appear the better cause.” All the internal and external advantages and talents of an orator are undoubtedly his. Figure, voice, elocution, knowledge, and, above all, the purest and most florid diction, with the justest metaphors and happiest images, had raised him to the post of Secretary at War, at four-and-twenty years old, an age at which others are hardly thought fit for the smallest employments. **[[Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl of Chesterfield|Earl of Chesterfield]] to his son (12 December 1749) quoted in ''Letters Written By The Late Right Honourable Philip Dormer Stanhope, Earl Of Chesterfield, To His Son, Philip Stanhope, Esq. Late Envoy-Extraordinary At The Court Of Dresden: Together with Several Other Pieces On Various Subjects: In Four Volumes, Volume II'' (1792), p. 292 *Lord Bolingbroke, one of the ablest men who ever lived, was a firm and uncompromising Tory, and he advocated triennial Parliaments. He said that without this there was no security for the people, no integrity for the constitution. **[[Benjamin Disraeli]], speech in High Wycombe (27 November 1832), quoted in ''Selected Speeches of the late Right Honourable the Earl of Beaconsfield: Volume II'', ed. T. E. Kebbel (1882), p. 7 *He was called indeed a tory; but his writings prove him a stronger advocate for liberty than any of his countrymen, the whigs of the present day. Irritated by his exile, he committed one act unworthy of him, in connecting himself momentarily with a prince rejected by his country. But he redeemed that single act by his establishment of the principles which proved it to be wrong. ... Lord Bolingbroke's...is a style of the highest order. The lofty, rhythmical, full-flowing eloquence of [[Cicero]]. Periods of just measure, their members proportioned, their close full and round. His conceptions, too, are bold and strong, his diction copious, polished and commanding as his subject. His writings are certainly the finest samples in the English language, of the eloquence proper for the Senate. His political tracts are safe reading for the most timid religionist, his philosophical, for those who are not afraid to trust their reason with discussions of right and wrong. **[[Thomas Jefferson]] to Francis Eppes (19 January 1821), quoted in Thomas Jefferson, ''Writings'', ed. Merrill D. Peterson (1984), p. 1451 *I think Mr. secretary St. John the greatest young man I ever knew: wit, capacity, beauty, quickness of apprehension, good learning, and an excellent taste; the best orator in the house of commons, admirable conversation, good nature, and good manners; generous, and a despiser of money. His only fault is, talking to his friends in way of complaint of too great load of business, which looks a little like affectation; and he endeavours too much to mix the fine gentleman, and the man of pleasure, with the man of business. What truth and sincerity he may have, I know not. **[[Jonathan Swift]], Letter XXXIII (23 October 1711), ''[[w:A Journal to Stella|A Journal to Stella]]'', quoted in ''The Works of Jonathan Swift, containing additional letters, tracts, and poems, with notes, and a life of the author, by W. Scott, Volume II'' (1824), pp. 405–406 *[T]he accomplishments of his mind, which was adorned with the choicest gifts that God has yet thought fit to bestow upon the children of men; a strong memory, a clear judgment, a vast range of wit and fancy, a thorough comprehension, an invincible eloquence, with a most agreeable elocution. **[[Jonathan Swift]], ''An Inquiry into the Behaviour of the Queen's last Ministry, &c.'' (June 1715), quoted ''The Works of the Rev. Jonathan Swift, Volume 4'', ed. Thomas Sheridan (1801), in p. 310 == External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} * [http://www.eighteenthcenturypoetry.org/authors/pers00082.shtml Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke at the Eighteenth-Century Poetry Archive (ECPA)] * {{Gutenberg author |id=Bolingbroke,+Henry+St.+John,+Viscount}} * [http://www.berkshirehistory.com/bios/hstjohn_vbol.html Royal Berkshire History: Henry St John, Viscount Bolingbroke] {{Social and political philosophers}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Bolingbroke, Henry Saint John, 1st Viscount}} [[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Philosophers from England]] [[Category:1678 births]] [[Category:1751 deaths]] [[Category:People from London]] [[Category:Tory (British political party) politicians]] [[Category:Critics of religion]] crar9w9yncbfhha32wtym1ohv29r0gx 0 19122 3158044 3154942 2022-08-26T01:23:35Z 2604:2D80:520F:8D00:8034:5B9E:41BB:41BE /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Fox and the Hound|The Fox and the Hound]]''''' is a [[w:1981 in film|1981]] American [[w:animation|animated]] [[w:drama film|drama film]] produced by [[w:Walt Disney Animation Studios|Walt Disney Productions]]. It is about a [[w:red fox|red fox]] named Tod and a [[w:hound|hound]] dog named Copper who meet when young and become friends, but later become enemies as they grow up. A [[w:direct-to-video|direct-to-video]] followup, ''[[The Fox and the Hound 2]]'', was released to DVD on December 12, 2006. :''Directed by [[w:Ted Berman|Ted Berman]], [[w:Richard Rich (director)|Richard Rich]], and [[w:Art Stevens|Art Stevens]]. Written by Larry Clemmons, Ted Berman, David Michener, Peter Young, [[w:Burny Mattinson|Burny Mattinson]], Steve Hulett, Earl Kress, and Vance Gerry. Loosely based on the [[w:The Fox and the Hound (novel)|novel of the same name]] by [[Daniel P. Mannix]].'' {{center|'''A story of two friends who didn't know they were supposed to be enemies.'''}} == Dialogue == :'''Widow Tweed''': Amos Slade, you trigger-happy lunatic! Give me that gun! :''[she furiously takes Amos' gun, then angrily shoots on the radiator of his truck, which hisses]'' :'''Amos''': My radiator! Why, you blasted female! I'll-- :'''Tweed''': ''[angrily aims the gun at him]'' Hold it, right there! :'''Amos''': ''[nervously]'' Watch it! That thing's loaded! :''[Tweed angrily shoots the last bullet in the air]'' :'''Tweed''': ''Now'' it ain't loaded! :''[she furiously tosses the empty gun back to Amos]'' :'''Amos''': Dagnabbit, woman! ''[angrily points to Tod]'' Your thievin' fox was after my chickens! :'''Tweed''': Rubbish and poppycock! I don't believe it. He wouldn't hurt a thing! :'''Amos''': You callin' me a liar, you muddle-headed female?! I ''saw'' it happen! :'''Tweed''': Amos Slade, that temper of yours is going to get you into a lot of trouble someday! :'''Amos''': ''[turns red in the face]'' Temper?! Temper?! Woman, you ain't ''seen'' my temper! ''[furiously throws his hat to the ground and angrily stomps on it]'' If I ever catch that fox on my property again, I'll blast him! And next time I won't miss! :'''Tweed''': well if you keep your hands on my fox then it'll give you a temper to worry about! And you have no choice but to leave me alone! :'''Amos''': oh well. Come on copper I am very disappointed in you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[While chasing Squeeks, Boomer accidentally pecks off the branch he's standing on and has a nasty fall]'' :'''Tod''': What happened to you? Golly! :'''Boomer''': Aw, shucks! I think I bent my b-b-b-b-beak. :'''Dinky''': ''[to Boomer angrily]'' Now see what you've done?! You cost us our breakfast! :'''Boomer''': ''I'' cost us our breakfast? It was ''your'' fault! :'''Dinky''': What are you talking about, my fault?! :'''Boomer''': Oh, yeah?! :''[an argument begins]'' :'''Tod''': A worm for breakfast? Yeech! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Squeeks squeezes beneath a glass compartment in a telephone pole]'' :'''Boomer''': A caterpillar under glass! Oh, boy! :''[as soon as Boomer begins tapping it, both birds are electrocuted]'' :'''Boomer''': Holy...! :'''Dinky''': ...smoke! ''[coughs]'' :''[Squeeks crawls out of the glass and and flashes whenever he crawls]'' :'''Boomer''': Hey! Hey! How's he do that, Dinky? How's he do that? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dinky and Boomer watch Squeeks through Tweed's keyhole]'' :'''Dinky''': Look at that little creep. Warm and cozy by the fire. :'''Boomer''': Let me take a look. How do you like that g-g-guy? S-s-s-snug as a b-b-bug! While we're out here f-f-freezin' our b-b-b-b-beaks off! :'''Dinky''': Yeah. Well, yakkin' and shiverin' ain't getting us anywhere. We'll get that no-good worm when we come back! ''[flies away]'' :'''Boomer''': ''[follows Dinky]'' Oh, sh-sh-sh-sh-shucks! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tod''': I'm a fox. My name's Tod. What's your name, kid? :'''Copper''': My name's Copper. I'm a hound dog! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tod foolishly goes into Chief's barrel to watch him sleeping]'' :'''Copper''': Oh, don't go in there! He can get awful mean! He's cranky. :'''Tod''': Gee willikers. Is he ever big. His ears aren't as big as yours, Copper. :'''Copper''': That's not the part you gotta worry about. :'''Tod''': ''[foolishly checks Chief's teeth]'' Wow! Look at those teeth! :'''Copper''': ''That's'' the part you gotta worry about! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tod''': Copper, you're my very best friend. :'''Copper''': And you're mine too, Tod. :'''Tod''': And we'll always be friends forever. Won't we? :'''Copper''': Yeah, forever. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after breaking his leg, Chief pretends to whine and leaves his designated room in attempt to get sympathy]'' :'''Amos''': Chief, get back in there before I break your other leg. ''[Chief grumbles as he staggers back]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tod tries to catch a fish.]'' :'''Vixey''': Tod, do you need help? :'''Tod''': No, I knew this way, all the... all the time! ''[falls into the water, then ends up catching a stick]'' I got him! :'''Boomer''': ''[laughs]'' Oh, that farm boy! He don't know nothing about f-f-f-f-fishin'! :''[All laugh hysterically]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Big Mama''': I'm sorry, Tod. Honey, Copper's gonna come back a trained huntin' dog. A real killer. :'''Tod''': Oh, no. Not my friend Copper. He won't never change. :'''Big Mama''': I hope you're right, Tod. :'''Tod''': And we'll keep on being friends forever. Uh, won't we, Big Mama? :'''Big Mama''': Darlin', forever is a long, long time. And time has a way of changin' things. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Copper''': ''[upon seeing Tod]'' I thought that was you, Tod. I heard you coming. Boy, you've really grown. :'''Tod''': You have too, Copper. I saw you coming back with Chief and the hunter. :'''Copper''': It's great to see you, Tod. ''[looks back at Chief, who is trying to sleep]'' But you know, you-- You shouldn't be over here. You're gonna get us both into a lot of trouble. :'''Tod''': Look, I-- I just wanted to see you. We're still friends, aren't we? :'''Copper''': ''[makes a sad glare]'' Tod... those days are over. I'm a hunting dog now. ''[Tod becomes surprised, then feels sad]'' You-- You better get out of here before old Chief wakes up. :'''Tod''': Oh, Chief. ''[chuckles]'' He doesn't worry me. :'''Copper''': ''[whispers, as Chief is barely awakening]'' Tod, I'm serious. You're fair game as far as he's concerned! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Widow Tweed''': Goodbye may seem forever, Farewell is like the end, but in my heart's a memory, and there you'll always be. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Copper yawns and lays down to go to sleep; he closes his eyes and smiles as he thinks about when he and Tod were younger]'' :''[repeated dialogue]'' :'''Young Tod''': Copper, you're my very best friend. :'''Young Copper''': And you're mine too, Tod. :'''Young Tod''': And we'll always be friends forever, won't we? :'''Young Copper''': Yeah. Forever. :''[the film ends with Tod and Vixey sitting on a hill, overlooking where Copper is]'' == About ''The Fox and the Hound'' == * I'd seen that movie before. It was nothing new or fresh or risky in there; it was another "churn 'em out." ** [[w:Don Bluth|Don Bluth]] [http://www.ign.com/articles/2000/06/13/interview-with-don-bluth-part-1-of-3 ''Interview with Don Bluth'', ''IGN'' (2000)] == Cast == * [[w:Mickey Rooney|Mickey Rooney]] as Tod * [[Kurt Russell]] as Copper * [[Pearl Bailey]] as Big Mama * [[w:Jack Albertson|Jack Albertson]] as Amos Slade * [[w:Sandy Duncan|Sandy Duncan]] as Vixey * [[w:Jeanette Nolan|Jeanette Nolan]] as Widow Tweed * [[w:Pat Buttram|Pat Buttram]] as Chief * [[w:John Fiedler|John Fiedler]] as The Porcupine * [[w:John McIntire|John McIntire]] as The Badger * [[w:Richard Bakalyan|Dick Bakalyan]] as Dinky * [[w:Paul Winchell|Paul Winchell]] as Boomer * [[w:Keith Coogan|Keith Mitchell]] as Young Tod * [[Corey Feldman]] as Young Copper * [[w:Candy Candido|Candy Candido ]] as The Bear == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{Official website|http://movies.disney.com/the-fox-and-the-hound}} * {{IMDb title|0082406}} * {{Amg movie|82415}} * {{Mojo title|foxandthehound}} * {{Rotten-tomatoes|fox_and_the_hound}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Fox and the Hound, The}} [[Category:1981 films]] [[Category:1980s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated drama films]] [[Category:Coming-of-age films]] [[Category:Drama films]] [[Category:Films about dogs]] [[Category:Films about foxes]] [[Category:Films based on American novels]] ispuc2xld5pri69ubm772edih3ttgqw 0 24725 3158017 2439755 2022-08-26T00:11:16Z UDScott 4304 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Gwar|Gwar]]''', often stylized in all caps as '''GWAR''', is an American [[w:heavy metal music|heavy metal]] band formed in [[w:Richmond, Virginia|Richmond, Virginia]] in 1984, composed of and operated by [[w:List of Gwar members|a frequently rotating line-up]] of musicians, artists and filmmakers collectively known as [[w:Slave Pit Inc.|Slave Pit Inc.]] Despite the death of frontman and lead singer [[w:Dave Brockie|Dave Brockie]] in 2014, the group has continued, albeit without any of its founding members. Easily identified by their distinctively grotesque costumes, Gwar's core thematic and visual concept revolves around an elaborate [[w:science fiction|science fiction]]-themed mythology which portrays the band members as barbaric interplanetary warriors, a narrative which serves as the basis for all of the band's albums, videos, live shows and other media. Rife with over-the-top violent, sexual, and [[w:scatological humor|scatological humor]] typically incorporating social and political [[satire]], Gwar has attracted both acclaim and controversy for its music and stage shows, the latter of which notoriously showcase enactments of [[w:graphic violence|graphic violence]] that result in the audience being sprayed with copious amounts of fake blood, urine, and semen. Such stagecraft regularly leads Gwar to be labeled a "[[w:shock rock|shock rock]]" band by the media. == Song lyrics == === ''[[w:Scumdogs of the Universe|Scumdogs of the Universe]]'' (1990) === * Back on the road, its no lie...<br>Stupid fucking humans pay money to die!<br>Crushed in the pit, nailed to the stage,<br>I only suck the souls that are underage! ** "The Salaminizer" * With a battle cry go forth which is "Give the people what they want." And what the people want could only be the senseless slaughter of the gutter-slime that litters this nation for cash and prizes. Yes, this is the show where people bet their lives to win something big. / Cause when your life is shit, then you haven't got much to lose on Slaughterama! ** "Slaughterama" * So, how do ya hide money from a hippy? Put it under the soap! ** "Slaughterama" === ''[[w:America Must Be Destroyed|America Must Be Destroyed]]'' (1992) === * Freedom to all the people<br>Brave, true and strong<br>Freedom to all the people<br>Unless I think you're wrong! ** "The Morality Squad" === ''[[w:This Toilet Earth|This Toilet Earth]]'' (1994) === * The cherub screams "NO" as I move to defile<br>Our bodies entwine in a puddle of bile<br>Many years later we'll look back and smile<br>As we thrash about on the urine-drenched tile<br>The delivery room is as still as a tomb<br>I fuck the child while its still in your womb<br>The child is now dead and you start to blubber<br>Fuck your warm corpse with your child as a rubber! ** "B.D.F" === ''[[w:Ragnarök (Gwar album)|Ragnarök]]'' (1995) === * To die<br>Perchance to sin<br>That's the rub<br>For in that sleep of sin<br>What, what kingdom may come?<br>What of the limitless sex and violence in the wake of RagNaRok! ** "RagNaRok" === ''[[w:Carnival of Chaos|Carnival of Chaos]]'' (1997) === * Raining death on people<br>Firing into crowds<br>Over there I got a big bright medal<br>But here it's not allowed! ** "Back to Iraq" === ''[[w:War Party (album)|War Party]]'' (2004) === * Hiroshima, a shadow burned in time<br>Nagasaki, naked baby melts alive<br>Burnt flesh and rubble from sea to dead shore<br>Such a hideous theatre of war<br>But that was the end - why?<br>There are so many more that must die<br>Is that not part of the plan?<br>I must use the nukes I can't kill you all with my hands. ** "Bring Back the Bomb" * The Swastika and the Bloody Old Cross<br>Two great hates that hate great together. ** "Krosstika" * The decay of grandeur<br>From riches to rot<br>The decay of grandeur say<br>To have and then have not. ** "The Decay of Grandeur" * All men die so don't ask me why<br>What the fuck else did you think we were for?<br>You were made to decay<br>It's better that way<br>This is the price of your war. ** "War Party" * It's gone beyond hatred this time. ** "Lost God" * The Reaganator and the U.S.A.!<br>We'll kill anything that gets in our way!<br>We're the good guys, so you have to die, that's why! ** "The Reaganator" == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commons cat}} *{{Official website|https://www.gwar.net/}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Gwar}} [[Category:American bands]] [[Category:Thrash metal]] [[Category:Heavy metal music]] [[Category:Shock rock]] bizobtc9bns5uki3mv4dahgdon5e8x7 3158018 3158017 2022-08-26T00:12:10Z UDScott 4304 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:GWAR live in Toronto, 2008.jpg|thumb|Gwar live in Toronto in 2008]] '''[[w:Gwar|Gwar]]''', often stylized in all caps as '''GWAR''', is an American [[w:heavy metal music|heavy metal]] band formed in [[w:Richmond, Virginia|Richmond, Virginia]] in 1984, composed of and operated by [[w:List of Gwar members|a frequently rotating line-up]] of musicians, artists and filmmakers collectively known as [[w:Slave Pit Inc.|Slave Pit Inc.]] Despite the death of frontman and lead singer [[w:Dave Brockie|Dave Brockie]] in 2014, the group has continued, albeit without any of its founding members. Easily identified by their distinctively grotesque costumes, Gwar's core thematic and visual concept revolves around an elaborate [[w:science fiction|science fiction]]-themed mythology which portrays the band members as barbaric interplanetary warriors, a narrative which serves as the basis for all of the band's albums, videos, live shows and other media. Rife with over-the-top violent, sexual, and [[w:scatological humor|scatological humor]] typically incorporating social and political [[satire]], Gwar has attracted both acclaim and controversy for its music and stage shows, the latter of which notoriously showcase enactments of [[w:graphic violence|graphic violence]] that result in the audience being sprayed with copious amounts of fake blood, urine, and semen. Such stagecraft regularly leads Gwar to be labeled a "[[w:shock rock|shock rock]]" band by the media. == Song lyrics == === ''[[w:Scumdogs of the Universe|Scumdogs of the Universe]]'' (1990) === * Back on the road, its no lie...<br>Stupid fucking humans pay money to die!<br>Crushed in the pit, nailed to the stage,<br>I only suck the souls that are underage! ** "The Salaminizer" * With a battle cry go forth which is "Give the people what they want." And what the people want could only be the senseless slaughter of the gutter-slime that litters this nation for cash and prizes. Yes, this is the show where people bet their lives to win something big. / Cause when your life is shit, then you haven't got much to lose on Slaughterama! ** "Slaughterama" * So, how do ya hide money from a hippy? Put it under the soap! ** "Slaughterama" === ''[[w:America Must Be Destroyed|America Must Be Destroyed]]'' (1992) === * Freedom to all the people<br>Brave, true and strong<br>Freedom to all the people<br>Unless I think you're wrong! ** "The Morality Squad" === ''[[w:This Toilet Earth|This Toilet Earth]]'' (1994) === * The cherub screams "NO" as I move to defile<br>Our bodies entwine in a puddle of bile<br>Many years later we'll look back and smile<br>As we thrash about on the urine-drenched tile<br>The delivery room is as still as a tomb<br>I fuck the child while its still in your womb<br>The child is now dead and you start to blubber<br>Fuck your warm corpse with your child as a rubber! ** "B.D.F" === ''[[w:Ragnarök (Gwar album)|Ragnarök]]'' (1995) === * To die<br>Perchance to sin<br>That's the rub<br>For in that sleep of sin<br>What, what kingdom may come?<br>What of the limitless sex and violence in the wake of RagNaRok! ** "RagNaRok" === ''[[w:Carnival of Chaos|Carnival of Chaos]]'' (1997) === * Raining death on people<br>Firing into crowds<br>Over there I got a big bright medal<br>But here it's not allowed! ** "Back to Iraq" === ''[[w:War Party (album)|War Party]]'' (2004) === * Hiroshima, a shadow burned in time<br>Nagasaki, naked baby melts alive<br>Burnt flesh and rubble from sea to dead shore<br>Such a hideous theatre of war<br>But that was the end - why?<br>There are so many more that must die<br>Is that not part of the plan?<br>I must use the nukes I can't kill you all with my hands. ** "Bring Back the Bomb" * The Swastika and the Bloody Old Cross<br>Two great hates that hate great together. ** "Krosstika" * The decay of grandeur<br>From riches to rot<br>The decay of grandeur say<br>To have and then have not. ** "The Decay of Grandeur" * All men die so don't ask me why<br>What the fuck else did you think we were for?<br>You were made to decay<br>It's better that way<br>This is the price of your war. ** "War Party" * It's gone beyond hatred this time. ** "Lost God" * The Reaganator and the U.S.A.!<br>We'll kill anything that gets in our way!<br>We're the good guys, so you have to die, that's why! ** "The Reaganator" == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commons cat}} *{{Official website|https://www.gwar.net/}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Gwar}} [[Category:American bands]] [[Category:Thrash metal]] [[Category:Heavy metal music]] [[Category:Shock rock]] bosqylolvucoo64iy7zco9xsk72is2a 0 25552 3157913 2865669 2022-08-25T17:57:17Z 2603:9000:D105:5E6D:250B:28DB:1D39:85BA wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Silent Running|Silent Running]]''''' is a [[w:1972|1972]] film about the last forests of a barren [[Earth]] being preserved in large geodesic domes aboard space-bound freighters orbiting Saturn. When the orders are given to destroy the forests, and return the ships to commercial service, Freeman Lowell (Bruce Dern) kills his crewmates, and hijacks the space freighter "Valley Forge," making off with the last surviving dome. :''Directed by [[w:Douglas Trumbull|Douglas Trumbull]]. Written by Deric Washburn, Michael Cimino and Steve Bochco.'' <!-- if present at wikiquote use [[name]] instead of [[w:name|]] --> {{center|'''Amazing companions on an incredible adventure... that journeys beyond imagination!''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}} == Freeman Lowell == * It calls back a time when there were flowers all over the Earth. And there were valleys. And there were plains of tall, green grass that you could lie down in... that you could go to sleep in. And, there were blue skies, and there was fresh air, and there were things growing all over the place, not just in some domed enclosures blasted some millions of miles out into space! * On Earth, everywhere you go, the temperature is seventy-five degrees. Everything is the same. All the people, are exactly the same. Now, what kind of life is that? * Every time we have the argument, you say the same thing to me, you give me the same three answers all the time, the same thing, "well, everybody has a job," that's always the last one. But, you know what else there is no more of, my friend, there is no more beauty, there is no more imagination, and there are no frontiers left to conquer, and do you know why? Only one reason why: one reason why, the same attitude that you three guys are giving me right here in this room today, and that is: nobody cares. * Look on the wall behind you. Look at that little girl's face. I know you've seen it. But do you know what she is never going to be able to see? She's never going to be able to see the simple wonder of a leaf in her hand. Because there is not going to be any trees. Now, you think about that. * You know, when I was a kid. I put a note into a bottle, and it had my name and address on it. And then I threw the bottle into the ocean. And I never knew, if anyone ever found it. * You can't blow up this forest. *"You don’t think it’s time somebody cared enough to have a dream? WHAT ABOUT THE FORESTS? You don't think anyone should care about these forests? What's going to happen if these forests and all this incredible beauty is lost for all time?" == John Wolf == * The fact is, Lowell, if people were interested, something would have been done a long time ago. == Commander Anderson == * On this first day of a new century, we humbly beg forgiveness, and dedicate these last forests of our once-beautiful nation, in the hope that they will one day return and grace our fouled Earth. Until that day, may God bless these forests, and the brave men who care for them. * Boys, this is Anderson speaking. We have just received orders to abandon and nuclear destruct all the forests, and return our ships to commercial service. I have received no explanation. And we must begin at 0900 in the morning. May God have mercy on us all. == Taglines== *Amazing companions on an incredible adventure... that journeys beyond imagination! *Earth's last battle will be fought in space. == Cast == * [[w:Bruce Dern|Bruce Dern]] - Freeman Lowell * [[w:Cliff Potts|Cliff Potts]] - John Keenan * [[w:Ron Rifkin|Ron Rifkin]] - Marty Barker * Jesse Vint 0 Andy Wolf * Mark Persons - Drone 1 (Dewey) * Cheryl Sparks and Steven Brown - Drone 2 (Huey) * Larry Whisenhunt - Drone 3 (Louie) == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * {{IMDb title|0067756}} [[Category:1972 films]] [[Category:Science fiction films]] [[Category:Post-apocalyptic films]] [[Category:Technology films]] [[Category:Space adventure films]] {{film-stub}} 0bhb7iofiybmq7srrfuydy3mqci10nh 3157914 3157913 2022-08-25T17:57:40Z 2603:9000:D105:5E6D:250B:28DB:1D39:85BA wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Silent Running|Silent Running]]''''' is a [[w:1972|1972]] film about the last forests of a barren [[Earth]] being preserved in large geodesic domes aboard space-bound freighters orbiting Saturn. When the orders are given to destroy the forests, and return the ships to commercial service, Freeman Lowell (Bruce Dern) kills his crewmates, and hijacks the space freighter "Valley Forge," making off with the last surviving dome. :''Directed by [[w:Douglas Trumbull|Douglas Trumbull]]. Written by Deric Washburn, Michael Cimino and Steve Bochco.'' <!-- if present at wikiquote use [[name]] instead of [[w:name|]] --> {{center|'''Amazing companions on an incredible adventure... that journeys beyond imagination!''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}} == Freeman Lowell == * It calls back a time when there were flowers all over the Earth. And there were valleys. And there were plains of tall, green grass that you could lie down in... that you could go to sleep in. And, there were blue skies, and there was fresh air, and there were things growing all over the place, not just in some domed enclosures blasted some millions of miles out into space! * On Earth, everywhere you go, the temperature is seventy-five degrees. Everything is the same. All the people, are exactly the same. Now, what kind of life is that? * Every time we have the argument, you say the same thing to me, you give me the same three answers all the time, the same thing, "well, everybody has a job," that's always the last one. But, you know what else there is no more of, my friend, there is no more beauty, there is no more imagination, and there are no frontiers left to conquer, and do you know why? Only one reason why: one reason why, the same attitude that you three guys are giving me right here in this room today, and that is: nobody cares. * Look on the wall behind you. Look at that little girl's face. I know you've seen it. But do you know what she is never going to be able to see? She's never going to be able to see the simple wonder of a leaf in her hand. Because there is not going to be any trees. Now, you think about that. * You know, when I was a kid. I put a note into a bottle, and it had my name and address on it. And then I threw the bottle into the ocean. And I never knew, if anyone ever found it. * You can't blow up this forest. *"You don’t think it’s time somebody cared enough to have a dream? What about the forests? You don't think anyone should care about these forests? What's going to happen if these forests and all this incredible beauty is lost for all time?" == John Wolf == * The fact is, Lowell, if people were interested, something would have been done a long time ago. == Commander Anderson == * On this first day of a new century, we humbly beg forgiveness, and dedicate these last forests of our once-beautiful nation, in the hope that they will one day return and grace our fouled Earth. Until that day, may God bless these forests, and the brave men who care for them. * Boys, this is Anderson speaking. We have just received orders to abandon and nuclear destruct all the forests, and return our ships to commercial service. I have received no explanation. And we must begin at 0900 in the morning. May God have mercy on us all. == Taglines== *Amazing companions on an incredible adventure... that journeys beyond imagination! *Earth's last battle will be fought in space. == Cast == * [[w:Bruce Dern|Bruce Dern]] - Freeman Lowell * [[w:Cliff Potts|Cliff Potts]] - John Keenan * [[w:Ron Rifkin|Ron Rifkin]] - Marty Barker * Jesse Vint 0 Andy Wolf * Mark Persons - Drone 1 (Dewey) * Cheryl Sparks and Steven Brown - Drone 2 (Huey) * Larry Whisenhunt - Drone 3 (Louie) == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * {{IMDb title|0067756}} [[Category:1972 films]] [[Category:Science fiction films]] [[Category:Post-apocalyptic films]] [[Category:Technology films]] [[Category:Space adventure films]] {{film-stub}} 554aq5ld3ppd6bx9h7wao1meg6ag543 0 27203 3158008 2998856 2022-08-25T23:41:19Z Kalki 71 /* Suggestions */ ranking shift on 1 wikitext text/x-wiki <div id="26" style="margin: 1em 0em; border: thin solid black; padding: 3px; background-color: #CFE5FF; font: bold 14pt sans-serif;">[[Category:Days]][[w:August 26|August 26]]</div> <noinclude>'''Quotes of the day''' from previous years:</noinclude> ; 2003 : One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other. ~ ''[[Emma]]'' by [[Jane Austen]] :* selected by [[User:Nanobug|Nanobug]] ; 2004 : The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassions, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen. ~ [[Elisabeth Kübler-Ross]] :* selected by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ; 2005 : You think that a wall as solid as the earth separates civilization from barbarism. I tell you the division is a thread, a sheet of glass. A touch here, a push there, and you bring back the reign of Saturn. ~ [[John Buchan]] (born 26 August 1875) :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ; 2006 : We can pay our debts to the past by putting the future in debt to ourselves. ~ [[John Buchan|John Buchan, Lord Tweedsmuir]] :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:06, 24 August 2005 (UTC) * 4 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 04:56, 21 August 2006 (UTC) --> ; 2007 : Our sufferings have taught us that no nation is sufficient unto itself, and that our prosperity depends in the long run, not upon the failure of our neighbors but their successes. ~ [[John Buchan, 1st Baron Tweedsmuir]] :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:18, 25 August 2007 (UTC) * 4 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:45, 25 August 2007 (UTC) --> ; 2008 : I doubt if one ever accepts a belief until one urgently needs it. ~ [[Christopher Isherwood]] :* proposed by [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] <!-- * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 04:56, 21 August 2006 (UTC) * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:18, 25 August 2007 (UTC) * 3 because this is very true. Only in a desperate situation does one confide in beliefs as an aid. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 16:11, 24 April 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2009 : If you can't see God in All, You can't see God at All. ~ [[Harbhajan Singh Yogi]] :* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] <!-- * 3 because one who is truly blind is one who cannot see with the mind, the eye merely an exponent of visual aesthetics. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 06:08, 29 May 2008 (UTC) * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:49, 23 August 2009 (UTC) <s>* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:58, 20 August 2008 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4.</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:17, 25 August 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2010 : Happiness comes out of contentment, and contentment always comes out of service. ~ [[Harbhajan Singh Yogi]] :* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] <!-- * 3 and a step further, service comes from loyalty. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 06:08, 29 May 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:58, 20 August 2008 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4. * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:17, 25 August 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2011 : Spread love everywhere you go; first of all in your house. Give love to your children, to your wife or husband, to a next door neighbor. Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile. ~ [[Mother Teresa]] :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 23:33, 21 August 2011 (UTC) --> ; 2012 {{quote of the day | quote = The [[Truth|true]] definition of a snob is one who craves for what separates [[men]] rather than for what [[Unity|unites]] them. | author = John Buchan, 1st Baron Tweedsmuir }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:52, 23 August 2012 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 05:44, 3 April 2011 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4.</s> --> ; 2013 {{quote of the day | quote = The [[hunger]] for [[love]] is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread. | author = Mother Teresa }} :* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] <!-- * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 06:08, 29 May 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:58, 20 August 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:17, 25 August 2008 (UTC) * 4 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 01:42, 15 August 2013 (UTC) --> ; 2014 {{quote of the day | quote = If you [[judge]] [[people]], you have no [[time]] to [[love]] them. | author = Mother Teresa }} :* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] <!-- * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 06:08, 29 May 2008 (UTC) * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 03:00, 25 August 2014 (UTC) <s>* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:58, 20 August 2008 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:17, 25 August 2008 (UTC) * 3 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 01:42, 15 August 2013 (UTC) --> ; 2015 {{quote of the day | quote = I often [[feel]] that worse than the most fiendish [[Nazis]] were those [[Germans]] who went along with the [[persecution]] of the [[Jews]] not because they really disliked them but because ''[[Conformity|it was the thing]].'' | author = Christopher Isherwood }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:43, 25 August 2015 (UTC) --> ; 2016 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> Once again the crust of [[civilization]] has worn thin, and beneath can be heard the muttering of primeval [[fires]]. Once again many accepted [[principles]] of [[government]] have been overthrown, and the [[world]] has become a laboratory where immature and feverish [[minds]] [[experiment]] with unknown [[forces]]. Once again [[problems]] cannot be comfortably limited, for [[science]] has brought the [[nations]] into an uneasy bondage to each other. | author = John Buchan }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:40, 25 August 2016 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:18, 25 August 2007 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4.</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:45, 25 August 2007 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] * 1 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 01:42, 15 August 2013 (UTC) --> ; 2017 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> The [[Nazis]] [[hated]] [[culture]] itself, because it is [[essentially]] international and therefore subversive of [[nationalism]]. What they called Nazi culture was a local, perverted, nationalistic [[cult]], by which a few major [[artists]] and many minor ones were honored for their Germanness, not their [[talent]]. | author = Christopher Isherwood }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 20:45, 25 August 2017 (UTC) <s>3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:43, 25 August 2015 (UTC)</s> --> ; 2018 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> They have [[planned]] a [[life]] for you — from the cradle to the grave and beyond — which it would be easy, fatally easy, to [[accept]]. The least wandering of the [[attention]], the least [[relaxation]] of your [[awareness]], and already the eyelids begin to droop, the eyes grow vacant, the body starts to move in [[obedience]] to the [[hypnotist]]’s command. [[Wake up]], wake up — before you sign that seven-year [[contract]], buy that [[house]] you don’t really want, [[marry]] that girl you secretly despise. Don’t reach for the whisky, that won’t [[help]] you. You’ve got to [[think]], to discriminate, to exercise your own [[free will]] and [[judgment]]. And you must do this, I repeat, without tension, quite [[rationally]] and [[calmly]]. For if you give way to [[fury]] against the hypnotists, if you smash the [[radio]] and tear the newspapers to shreds, you will only rush to the other [[extreme]] and fossilize into defiant [[eccentricity]]. | author = Christopher Isherwood }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:00, 26 August 2018 (UTC) <s>3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:43, 25 August 2015 (UTC)</s> --> ; 2019 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> I see [[God]] in every [[human]] being. When I wash the leper's [[wounds]], I feel I am nursing [[Christ|the Lord]] himself. Is it not a [[beautiful]] [[experience]]? | author = Mother Teresa }} :* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]]<!-- * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 06:08, 29 May 2008 (UTC) * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:08, 26 August 2019 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:58, 20 August 2008 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4.</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:17, 25 August 2008 (UTC) * 3 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 01:42, 15 August 2013 (UTC) * 2 (leaning toward 3) [[User:Allixpeeke|allixpeeke]] ([[User talk:Allixpeeke|talk]]) 03:36, 25 August 2014 (UTC) --> ; 2020 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> I have found the [[paradox]] that if I [[love]] until it [[hurts]], then there is no hurt, but only more love. | author = Mother Teresa }} :* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]]<!-- * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 06:08, 29 May 2008 (UTC) * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:57, 25 August 2020 (UTC) <s> 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:58, 20 August 2008 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:17, 25 August 2008 (UTC) * 3 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 01:42, 15 August 2013 (UTC) * 3 (leaning toward 2) [[User:Allixpeeke|allixpeeke]] ([[User talk:Allixpeeke|talk]]) 03:36, 25 August 2014 (UTC) --> ; 2021 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> The [[task]] of [[leadership]] is not to put [[greatness]] into [[humanity]], but to elicit it, for the greatness is already there. | author = John Buchan, 1st Baron Tweedsmuir }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:58, 25 August 2021 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:18, 25 August 2007 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4.</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:45, 25 August 2007 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 16:11, 24 April 2008 (UTC) * 2.5 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 01:42, 15 August 2013 (UTC) * 3 (leaning toward 4) [[User:Allixpeeke|allixpeeke]] ([[User talk:Allixpeeke|talk]]) 03:36, 25 August 2014 (UTC) --> ; 2022 : ''[[August 26|Rank or add further suggestions…]]'' ---- <noinclude> Ranking system: :4 : '''Excellent''' - should definitely be used. :3 : '''Very Good''' - strong desire to see it used. :2 : '''Good''' - some desire to see it used. :1 : '''Acceptable''' - but with no particular desire to see it used. :0 : '''Not acceptable''' - not appropriate for use as a quote of the day. ---- ---- == Suggestions == If those lessons are truly learned, then Columbia's crew will have made an indelible contribution to the endeavor each one valued so greatly. ~ CAIB report volume I, released 26 August 2003 * 3 ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 07:37, 20 July 2005 (UTC) * 2 ~ lacking context as presented. I might rank an extended version of it higher, but am not really inclined toward it. * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 16:11, 24 April 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:17, 25 August 2008 (UTC) * 1 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 01:42, 15 August 2013 (UTC) No context. * 1 [[User:Allixpeeke|allixpeeke]] ([[User talk:Allixpeeke|talk]]) 03:36, 25 August 2014 (UTC) ---- I must honor those who fight of their own free will, he said to himself. And I must try to imitate their courage by following my path as a pacifist, wherever it takes me. ~ [[Christopher Isherwood]] * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 04:56, 21 August 2006 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:18, 25 August 2007 (UTC) with a lean toward 3. * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 16:11, 24 April 2008 (UTC) * 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 01:42, 15 August 2013 (UTC) Who is the "he" in "he said to himself"? * 2 (leaning toward 3) [[User:Allixpeeke|allixpeeke]] ([[User talk:Allixpeeke|talk]]) 03:36, 25 August 2014 (UTC) ---- Most true points are fine points. There never was a dispute between mortals where both sides hadn't a bit of right. ~ [[John Buchan, 1st Baron Tweedsmuir]] * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:18, 25 August 2007 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4. * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:45, 25 August 2007 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 16:11, 24 April 2008 (UTC) * 1 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 01:42, 15 August 2013 (UTC) * 1 (leaning toward 2) [[User:Allixpeeke|allixpeeke]] ([[User talk:Allixpeeke|talk]]) 03:36, 25 August 2014 (UTC) ---- Tomorrow always becomes today and yesterday is always gone. ~ [[Harbhajan Singh Yogi]] * 3 because nothing stays forever. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 06:08, 29 May 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:58, 20 August 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:17, 25 August 2008 (UTC) * 1 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 01:42, 15 August 2013 (UTC) * 3 [[User:Allixpeeke|allixpeeke]] ([[User talk:Allixpeeke|talk]]) 03:36, 25 August 2014 (UTC) ---- Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come.We have only today. ~ [[Mother Teresa]] * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 06:08, 29 May 2008 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:58, 20 August 2008 (UTC) * 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:17, 25 August 2008 (UTC) * 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 01:42, 15 August 2013 (UTC) * 2 (leaning toward 1) [[User:Allixpeeke|allixpeeke]] ([[User talk:Allixpeeke|talk]]) 03:36, 25 August 2014 (UTC) ---- The snail lives the way I like to live; he carries his own home with him. ~ [[Julio Cortázar]] * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 06:08, 29 May 2008 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:58, 20 August 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:17, 25 August 2008 (UTC) * 2.5 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 01:42, 15 August 2013 (UTC) * 3 (leaning toward 2) [[User:Allixpeeke|allixpeeke]] ([[User talk:Allixpeeke|talk]]) 03:36, 25 August 2014 (UTC) ---- {{quote of the day | quote = [[Women]] are, and should be treated as, the [[equality|equals]] of [[men]]. | author = Wendy McElroy }} '''Note:''' In the U.&nbsp;S., 26 August is Women's Equality Day. * 4 [[User:Allixpeeke|allixpeeke]] ([[User talk:Allixpeeke|talk]]) 03:30, 25 August 2014 (UTC) * 2 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:48, 25 August 2015 (UTC) I agree with the sentiment, but don’t believe the rather simple expression is all that original to this particular manifestation of it. ---- {{quote of the day | quote =<p> As an organized force, American [[feminism]] can be dated from the radical anti-slavery movement, known as [[abolitionism]], that arose in the early 1830s and coalesced around the [[libertarian]] [[William Lloyd Garrison]].&nbsp; Although there were many courageous women who advanced the status of women prior to this period, such as [[Anne Hutchinson]] and [[Frances Wright]], they spoke out as individuals rather than as part of a self-conscious organization dedicated to women's rights.</p><p>Abolitionism demanded the immediate cessation of [[slavery]] on the grounds that every human being was a [[self-ownership|self-owner]] and had a moral jurisdiction over his or her own body.&nbsp; Gradually, abolitionist [[women]] began to apply the principle of self-ownership not only to the slaves, but also to themselves.</p> | author = Wendy McElroy }} '''Note:''' In the U.&nbsp;S., 26 August is Women's Equality Day. * 3 (leaning toward 4) [[User:Allixpeeke|allixpeeke]] ([[User talk:Allixpeeke|talk]]) 03:30, 25 August 2014 (UTC) * 2 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:48, 25 August 2015 (UTC) with a lean toward 3. ---- {{quote of the day | quote = If "[[war]] is the health of [[state]]," as [[Randolph Bourne]] claimed, then it is the death of [[individualism]].&nbsp; At its roots, the individualist tradition is anti-statist, and war inevitably involves an increase in state power that never seems to roll back to prewar levels when peace resumes. | author = Wendy McElroy }} * 3 (leaning toward 4) [[User:Allixpeeke|allixpeeke]] ([[User talk:Allixpeeke|talk]]) 03:30, 25 August 2014 (UTC) * 2 though the previous quote by this person is relevant to this date for the mentioned reason, I do not know that this one is. ---- {{quote of the day | quote = The paternalist is a sentimentalist at heart, and the sentimentalist is always potentially cruel. | author = Christopher Isherwood }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:43, 25 August 2015 (UTC) ---- {{quote of the day | quote = [[Horror]] is always [[aware]] of its [[cause]]; [[terror]] never is. That is precisely what makes terror terrifying. | author = Christopher Isherwood }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:43, 25 August 2015 (UTC) ---- {{quote of the day | quote = The images which remained in the memory are not in themselves terrible or rigorous: they are of boot-lockers, wooden desks, lists on boards, name-tags in clothes — yes, the name pre-eminently; the name which in a sense makes you nameless, less individual rather than more so: Bradshaw-Isherwood, C.W. in its place on some alphabetical list; the cold daily, hourly reminder that you are not the unique, the loved, the household’s darling, but just one among many. | author = Christopher Isherwood }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:43, 25 August 2015 (UTC) ---- {{quote of the day | quote = I [[doubt]] if one ever accepts a [[belief]] until one urgently [[needs]] it. | author = Christopher Isherwood }} * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:41, 25 August 2022 (UTC) <s>3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:43, 25 August 2015 (UTC)</s> ; but would now extend this to read: :: Christopher would find himself [[able]] to believe — as a possibility, at least — that an [[eternal]] impersonal [[presence]] (call it "the [[soul]]" if you like) exists within [[all]] creatures and is other than the mutable non-eternal "[[person]]." He would then feel that all his earlier difficulties had been merely [[semantic]]; that he could have been converted to this belief at any time in his [[life]], if only someone had used the right [[words]] to [[explain]] it to him. Now, I [[doubt]] this. I doubt if one ever [[accepts]] a [[belief]] until one urgently [[needs]] it. ---- {{quote of the day | quote = He now realized that he must dissociate himself from the Communists, even as a fellow traveler. He might, in certain situations, accept them as allies but he could never regard them as comrades. He must never again give way to embarrassment, never deny the rights of his tribe, never [[apologize]] for its existence, never think of sacrificing himself masochistically on the altar of that [[false]] [[god]] of the [[totalitarians]], the [[Greatest]] [[Good]] of the Greatest Number — whose priests are alone empowered to decide what "good" is. | author = Christopher Isherwood }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:43, 25 August 2015 (UTC) ---- {{quote of the day | quote = Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person. | author = Mother Teresa }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 12:05, 2 September 2016 (UTC) ---- {{quote of the day | quote = Love is a fruit in [[season]] at all times, and within reach of every [[hand]]. Anyone may gather it and no limit is set. Everyone can reach this love through [[meditation]], [[spirit]] of [[prayer]], and sacrifice, by an intense inner [[life]]. | author = Mother Teresa }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 12:05, 2 September 2016 (UTC) ---- "Isn't it extraordinary that the Prime Minister of our country can't even urge his Party to back his own position. Weak! Weak! Weak!" - [[Tony Blair]] -- Proposed by {{user|DarcyTy 1}} * 1, with a lean toward 0 — This does not have any apparent relation to this date, and does not seem a highly noteworthy statement. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:18, 26 August 2018 (UTC) <!-- interwiki start --> <!-- interwiki end --> </noinclude> 7hibo08fhud1l5gysvmjwj85zpafkm5 3158016 3158008 2022-08-26T00:08:26Z Kalki 71 updates wikitext text/x-wiki <div id="26" style="margin: 1em 0em; border: thin solid black; padding: 3px; background-color: #CFE5FF; font: bold 14pt sans-serif;">[[Category:Days]][[w:August 26|August 26]]</div> <noinclude>'''Quotes of the day''' from previous years:</noinclude> ; 2003 : One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other. ~ ''[[Emma]]'' by [[Jane Austen]] :* selected by [[User:Nanobug|Nanobug]] ; 2004 : The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassions, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen. ~ [[Elisabeth Kübler-Ross]] :* selected by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ; 2005 : You think that a wall as solid as the earth separates civilization from barbarism. I tell you the division is a thread, a sheet of glass. A touch here, a push there, and you bring back the reign of Saturn. ~ [[John Buchan]] (born 26 August 1875) :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ; 2006 : We can pay our debts to the past by putting the future in debt to ourselves. ~ [[John Buchan|John Buchan, Lord Tweedsmuir]] :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:06, 24 August 2005 (UTC) * 4 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 04:56, 21 August 2006 (UTC) --> ; 2007 : Our sufferings have taught us that no nation is sufficient unto itself, and that our prosperity depends in the long run, not upon the failure of our neighbors but their successes. ~ [[John Buchan, 1st Baron Tweedsmuir]] :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:18, 25 August 2007 (UTC) * 4 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:45, 25 August 2007 (UTC) --> ; 2008 : I doubt if one ever accepts a belief until one urgently needs it. ~ [[Christopher Isherwood]] :* proposed by [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] <!-- * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 04:56, 21 August 2006 (UTC) * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:18, 25 August 2007 (UTC) * 3 because this is very true. Only in a desperate situation does one confide in beliefs as an aid. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 16:11, 24 April 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2009 : If you can't see God in All, You can't see God at All. ~ [[Harbhajan Singh Yogi]] :* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] <!-- * 3 because one who is truly blind is one who cannot see with the mind, the eye merely an exponent of visual aesthetics. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 06:08, 29 May 2008 (UTC) * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:49, 23 August 2009 (UTC) <s>* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:58, 20 August 2008 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4.</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:17, 25 August 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2010 : Happiness comes out of contentment, and contentment always comes out of service. ~ [[Harbhajan Singh Yogi]] :* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] <!-- * 3 and a step further, service comes from loyalty. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 06:08, 29 May 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:58, 20 August 2008 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4. * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:17, 25 August 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2011 : Spread love everywhere you go; first of all in your house. Give love to your children, to your wife or husband, to a next door neighbor. Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile. ~ [[Mother Teresa]] :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 23:33, 21 August 2011 (UTC) --> ; 2012 {{quote of the day | quote = The [[Truth|true]] definition of a snob is one who craves for what separates [[men]] rather than for what [[Unity|unites]] them. | author = John Buchan, 1st Baron Tweedsmuir }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:52, 23 August 2012 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 05:44, 3 April 2011 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4.</s> --> ; 2013 {{quote of the day | quote = The [[hunger]] for [[love]] is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread. | author = Mother Teresa }} :* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] <!-- * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 06:08, 29 May 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:58, 20 August 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:17, 25 August 2008 (UTC) * 4 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 01:42, 15 August 2013 (UTC) --> ; 2014 {{quote of the day | quote = If you [[judge]] [[people]], you have no [[time]] to [[love]] them. | author = Mother Teresa }} :* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] <!-- * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 06:08, 29 May 2008 (UTC) * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 03:00, 25 August 2014 (UTC) <s>* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:58, 20 August 2008 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:17, 25 August 2008 (UTC) * 3 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 01:42, 15 August 2013 (UTC) --> ; 2015 {{quote of the day | quote = I often [[feel]] that worse than the most fiendish [[Nazis]] were those [[Germans]] who went along with the [[persecution]] of the [[Jews]] not because they really disliked them but because ''[[Conformity|it was the thing]].'' | author = Christopher Isherwood }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:43, 25 August 2015 (UTC) --> ; 2016 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> Once again the crust of [[civilization]] has worn thin, and beneath can be heard the muttering of primeval [[fires]]. Once again many accepted [[principles]] of [[government]] have been overthrown, and the [[world]] has become a laboratory where immature and feverish [[minds]] [[experiment]] with unknown [[forces]]. Once again [[problems]] cannot be comfortably limited, for [[science]] has brought the [[nations]] into an uneasy bondage to each other. | author = John Buchan }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:40, 25 August 2016 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:18, 25 August 2007 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4.</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:45, 25 August 2007 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] * 1 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 01:42, 15 August 2013 (UTC) --> ; 2017 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> The [[Nazis]] [[hated]] [[culture]] itself, because it is [[essentially]] international and therefore subversive of [[nationalism]]. What they called Nazi culture was a local, perverted, nationalistic [[cult]], by which a few major [[artists]] and many minor ones were honored for their Germanness, not their [[talent]]. | author = Christopher Isherwood }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 20:45, 25 August 2017 (UTC) <s>3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:43, 25 August 2015 (UTC)</s> --> ; 2018 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> They have [[planned]] a [[life]] for you — from the cradle to the grave and beyond — which it would be easy, fatally easy, to [[accept]]. The least wandering of the [[attention]], the least [[relaxation]] of your [[awareness]], and already the eyelids begin to droop, the eyes grow vacant, the body starts to move in [[obedience]] to the [[hypnotist]]’s command. [[Wake up]], wake up — before you sign that seven-year [[contract]], buy that [[house]] you don’t really want, [[marry]] that girl you secretly despise. Don’t reach for the whisky, that won’t [[help]] you. You’ve got to [[think]], to discriminate, to exercise your own [[free will]] and [[judgment]]. And you must do this, I repeat, without tension, quite [[rationally]] and [[calmly]]. For if you give way to [[fury]] against the hypnotists, if you smash the [[radio]] and tear the newspapers to shreds, you will only rush to the other [[extreme]] and fossilize into defiant [[eccentricity]]. | author = Christopher Isherwood }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:00, 26 August 2018 (UTC) <s>3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:43, 25 August 2015 (UTC)</s> --> ; 2019 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> I see [[God]] in every [[human]] being. When I wash the leper's [[wounds]], I feel I am nursing [[Christ|the Lord]] himself. Is it not a [[beautiful]] [[experience]]? | author = Mother Teresa }} :* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]]<!-- * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 06:08, 29 May 2008 (UTC) * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:08, 26 August 2019 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:58, 20 August 2008 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4.</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:17, 25 August 2008 (UTC) * 3 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 01:42, 15 August 2013 (UTC) * 2 (leaning toward 3) [[User:Allixpeeke|allixpeeke]] ([[User talk:Allixpeeke|talk]]) 03:36, 25 August 2014 (UTC) --> ; 2020 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> I have found the [[paradox]] that if I [[love]] until it [[hurts]], then there is no hurt, but only more love. | author = Mother Teresa }} :* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]]<!-- * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 06:08, 29 May 2008 (UTC) * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:57, 25 August 2020 (UTC) <s> 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:58, 20 August 2008 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:17, 25 August 2008 (UTC) * 3 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 01:42, 15 August 2013 (UTC) * 3 (leaning toward 2) [[User:Allixpeeke|allixpeeke]] ([[User talk:Allixpeeke|talk]]) 03:36, 25 August 2014 (UTC) --> ; 2021 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> The [[task]] of [[leadership]] is not to put [[greatness]] into [[humanity]], but to elicit it, for the greatness is already there. | author = John Buchan, 1st Baron Tweedsmuir }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:58, 25 August 2021 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:18, 25 August 2007 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4.</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:45, 25 August 2007 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 16:11, 24 April 2008 (UTC) * 2.5 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 01:42, 15 August 2013 (UTC) * 3 (leaning toward 4) [[User:Allixpeeke|allixpeeke]] ([[User talk:Allixpeeke|talk]]) 03:36, 25 August 2014 (UTC) --> ; 2022 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> Christopher would find himself [[able]] to believe — as a [[possibility]], at least — that an [[eternal]] impersonal [[presence]] (call it "the [[soul]]" if you like) exists within [[all]] creatures and is other than the mutable non-eternal "[[person]]." He would then feel that all his earlier difficulties had been merely [[semantic]]; that he could have been converted to this belief at any time in his [[life]], if only someone had used the right [[words]] to [[explain]] it to him. [[Now]], I [[doubt]] this. I doubt if one ever [[accepts]] a [[belief]] until one urgently [[needs]] it. | author = Christopher Isherwood }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- {{quote of the day | quote = I [[doubt]] if one ever accepts a [[belief]] until one urgently [[needs]] it. | author = Christopher Isherwood }} * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:41, 25 August 2022 (UTC) <s>3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:43, 25 August 2015 (UTC)</s> ; but would now extend this to read: :: Christopher would find himself [[able]] to believe — as a possibility, at least — that an [[eternal]] impersonal [[presence]] (call it "the [[soul]]" if you like) exists within [[all]] creatures and is other than the mutable non-eternal "[[person]]." He would then feel that all his earlier difficulties had been merely [[semantic]]; that he could have been converted to this belief at any time in his [[life]], if only someone had used the right [[words]] to [[explain]] it to him. Now, I [[doubt]] this. I doubt if one ever [[accepts]] a [[belief]] until one urgently [[needs]] it. --> ; 2023 : ''[[August 26|Rank or add further suggestions…]]'' ---- <noinclude> <!-- ---- '''Quotes by people born this day, already used as QOTD:''' --> ---- {{QOTD Ranking}} ---- ---- == Suggestions == <!-- ; [[EVENTS OR HOLIDAYS ETC]] :'''DOB''': [[]] · [[]] --> ---- If those lessons are truly learned, then Columbia's crew will have made an indelible contribution to the endeavor each one valued so greatly. ~ CAIB report volume I, released 26 August 2003 * 3 ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 07:37, 20 July 2005 (UTC) * 2 ~ lacking context as presented. I might rank an extended version of it higher, but am not really inclined toward it. * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 16:11, 24 April 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:17, 25 August 2008 (UTC) * 1 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 01:42, 15 August 2013 (UTC) No context. * 1 [[User:Allixpeeke|allixpeeke]] ([[User talk:Allixpeeke|talk]]) 03:36, 25 August 2014 (UTC) ---- I must honor those who fight of their own free will, he said to himself. And I must try to imitate their courage by following my path as a pacifist, wherever it takes me. ~ [[Christopher Isherwood]] * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 04:56, 21 August 2006 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:18, 25 August 2007 (UTC) with a lean toward 3. * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 16:11, 24 April 2008 (UTC) * 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 01:42, 15 August 2013 (UTC) Who is the "he" in "he said to himself"? * 2 (leaning toward 3) [[User:Allixpeeke|allixpeeke]] ([[User talk:Allixpeeke|talk]]) 03:36, 25 August 2014 (UTC) ---- Most true points are fine points. There never was a dispute between mortals where both sides hadn't a bit of right. ~ [[John Buchan, 1st Baron Tweedsmuir]] * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:18, 25 August 2007 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4. * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:45, 25 August 2007 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 16:11, 24 April 2008 (UTC) * 1 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 01:42, 15 August 2013 (UTC) * 1 (leaning toward 2) [[User:Allixpeeke|allixpeeke]] ([[User talk:Allixpeeke|talk]]) 03:36, 25 August 2014 (UTC) ---- Tomorrow always becomes today and yesterday is always gone. ~ [[Harbhajan Singh Yogi]] * 3 because nothing stays forever. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 06:08, 29 May 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:58, 20 August 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:17, 25 August 2008 (UTC) * 1 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 01:42, 15 August 2013 (UTC) * 3 [[User:Allixpeeke|allixpeeke]] ([[User talk:Allixpeeke|talk]]) 03:36, 25 August 2014 (UTC) ---- Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come.We have only today. ~ [[Mother Teresa]] * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 06:08, 29 May 2008 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:58, 20 August 2008 (UTC) * 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:17, 25 August 2008 (UTC) * 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 01:42, 15 August 2013 (UTC) * 2 (leaning toward 1) [[User:Allixpeeke|allixpeeke]] ([[User talk:Allixpeeke|talk]]) 03:36, 25 August 2014 (UTC) ---- The snail lives the way I like to live; he carries his own home with him. ~ [[Julio Cortázar]] * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 06:08, 29 May 2008 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:58, 20 August 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:17, 25 August 2008 (UTC) * 2.5 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 01:42, 15 August 2013 (UTC) * 3 (leaning toward 2) [[User:Allixpeeke|allixpeeke]] ([[User talk:Allixpeeke|talk]]) 03:36, 25 August 2014 (UTC) ---- {{quote of the day | quote = [[Women]] are, and should be treated as, the [[equality|equals]] of [[men]]. | author = Wendy McElroy }} '''Note:''' In the U.&nbsp;S., 26 August is Women's Equality Day. * 4 [[User:Allixpeeke|allixpeeke]] ([[User talk:Allixpeeke|talk]]) 03:30, 25 August 2014 (UTC) * 2 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:48, 25 August 2015 (UTC) I agree with the sentiment, but don’t believe the rather simple expression is all that original to this particular manifestation of it. ---- {{quote of the day | quote =<p> As an organized force, American [[feminism]] can be dated from the radical anti-slavery movement, known as [[abolitionism]], that arose in the early 1830s and coalesced around the [[libertarian]] [[William Lloyd Garrison]].&nbsp; Although there were many courageous women who advanced the status of women prior to this period, such as [[Anne Hutchinson]] and [[Frances Wright]], they spoke out as individuals rather than as part of a self-conscious organization dedicated to women's rights.</p><p>Abolitionism demanded the immediate cessation of [[slavery]] on the grounds that every human being was a [[self-ownership|self-owner]] and had a moral jurisdiction over his or her own body.&nbsp; Gradually, abolitionist [[women]] began to apply the principle of self-ownership not only to the slaves, but also to themselves.</p> | author = Wendy McElroy }} '''Note:''' In the U.&nbsp;S., 26 August is Women's Equality Day. * 3 (leaning toward 4) [[User:Allixpeeke|allixpeeke]] ([[User talk:Allixpeeke|talk]]) 03:30, 25 August 2014 (UTC) * 2 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:48, 25 August 2015 (UTC) with a lean toward 3. ---- {{quote of the day | quote = If "[[war]] is the health of [[state]]," as [[Randolph Bourne]] claimed, then it is the death of [[individualism]].&nbsp; At its roots, the individualist tradition is anti-statist, and war inevitably involves an increase in state power that never seems to roll back to prewar levels when peace resumes. | author = Wendy McElroy }} * 3 (leaning toward 4) [[User:Allixpeeke|allixpeeke]] ([[User talk:Allixpeeke|talk]]) 03:30, 25 August 2014 (UTC) * 2 though the previous quote by this person is relevant to this date for the mentioned reason, I do not know that this one is. ---- {{quote of the day | quote = The paternalist is a sentimentalist at heart, and the sentimentalist is always potentially cruel. | author = Christopher Isherwood }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:43, 25 August 2015 (UTC) ---- {{quote of the day | quote = [[Horror]] is always [[aware]] of its [[cause]]; [[terror]] never is. That is precisely what makes terror terrifying. | author = Christopher Isherwood }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:43, 25 August 2015 (UTC) ---- {{quote of the day | quote = The images which remained in the memory are not in themselves terrible or rigorous: they are of boot-lockers, wooden desks, lists on boards, name-tags in clothes — yes, the name pre-eminently; the name which in a sense makes you nameless, less individual rather than more so: Bradshaw-Isherwood, C.W. in its place on some alphabetical list; the cold daily, hourly reminder that you are not the unique, the loved, the household’s darling, but just one among many. | author = Christopher Isherwood }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:43, 25 August 2015 (UTC) ---- {{quote of the day | quote = He now realized that he must dissociate himself from the Communists, even as a fellow traveler. He might, in certain situations, accept them as allies but he could never regard them as comrades. He must never again give way to embarrassment, never deny the rights of his tribe, never [[apologize]] for its existence, never think of sacrificing himself masochistically on the altar of that [[false]] [[god]] of the [[totalitarians]], the [[Greatest]] [[Good]] of the Greatest Number — whose priests are alone empowered to decide what "good" is. | author = Christopher Isherwood }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:43, 25 August 2015 (UTC) ---- {{quote of the day | quote = Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person. | author = Mother Teresa }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 12:05, 2 September 2016 (UTC) ---- {{quote of the day | quote = Love is a fruit in [[season]] at all times, and within reach of every [[hand]]. Anyone may gather it and no limit is set. Everyone can reach this love through [[meditation]], [[spirit]] of [[prayer]], and sacrifice, by an intense inner [[life]]. | author = Mother Teresa }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 12:05, 2 September 2016 (UTC) ---- "Isn't it extraordinary that the Prime Minister of our country can't even urge his Party to back his own position. Weak! Weak! Weak!" - [[Tony Blair]] -- Proposed by {{user|DarcyTy 1}} * 1, with a lean toward 0 — This does not have any apparent relation to this date, and does not seem a highly noteworthy statement. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:18, 26 August 2018 (UTC) <!-- interwiki start --> <!-- interwiki end --> </noinclude> b1wtyhz8ky01jam7tm2vt3nzp8jefqx 0 29578 3157923 2996854 2022-08-25T19:37:47Z 75.129.54.102 /* Chet Pussy */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:From Dusk Till Dawn logo.png|thumb]] '''''[[w:From Dusk till Dawn|From Dusk till Dawn]]''''' is a [[w:1996 in film|1996 action-comedy-horror film]] about two criminals and their hostages who spend the night in a Mexican strip club that turns out to be a vampire nest. :''Directed by [[w:Robert Rodriguez|Robert Rodriguez]]. Written by [[Quentin Tarantino]].'' {{center|'''A terrifying evil has been unleashed. And five strangers are our only hope to stop it.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}} == Seth Gecko == * Well, your best better get a hell of a lot fucking better, or you are gonna feel a hell of a lot fucking worse. Everybody be cool. ''You'' — be cool! * Now I'm gonna ask you one question, and all I want is a yes or no answer: Do you wanna live through this? * Let me explain the house rules. Follow the rules, we'll get along like a house on fire. Rule number one: No noise, no questions. You make a noise... ''[holds up gun]'' Mr. .44 makes a noise. You ask a question, Mr. 44 answers it. * Don't you ever try and fucking run on us, 'cause I've got six little friends and they can all run faster than you can. * Do you think this is who I am? I am a professional thief, I don't run around killing people I don't have to. * I know that I have put you through hell, and I know that I have been one rough pecker. But from here on, you are all in my cool book. * ''[puts a gun to Sex-Machine's head]'' You touch my brother with that stake, ''biker'', and vampires won't have to suck your blood. They'll be able to lick it up off the floor. * Richie, here is the peace in death that I could not give you in life! * And I don't want to hear anything about "I don't believe in vampires" because ''I'' don't believe in vampires, but I believe in my own two eyes, and what ''I'' saw is fucking vampires! * So what are you, Jacob? A faithless preacher? Or a mean motherfuckin' servant of God? * And if there is a hell, and those sons of bitches are from it, then there has got to be a heaven... Jacob, there's gotta be. * I'm gonna kill every last one of you godless fuckin' pieces of shit! * All right, vampire killers... let's kill some fucking vampires. * All right, ramblers... Let's get ramblin'. * I may be a bastard, but I'm not a fuckin' bastard. == Jacob Fuller == * Every person who... chooses the service of God as his life's work has something in common. I don't care if you're a preacher, a priest, a nun, a rabbi or a Buddhist monk. Many, many times during your life you will look at your reflection in a mirror and ask yourself: am I a fool? I'm not going through a lapse; what I've experienced is closer to awakening. * ''[on his impending vampirization]'' I'll be a lap dog of Satan. == Chet Pussy == * Alright, pussy, pussy, pussy! <br/>Come on in Pussy lovers! <br/>Here at the Titty Twister we’re slashing pussy in half! <br/>Give us an offer on our vast selection of pussy, this is a pussy blow out! <br/> Alright, we got white pussy, black pussy, Spanish pussy, yellow pussy. We got hot pussy, cold pussy. We got wet pussy. We got smelly pussy. We got hairy pussy, bloody pussy. We got snapping pussy. We got silk pussy, velvet pussy, naugahyde pussy. We even got horse pussy, dog pussy, chicken pussy. <br/>C'mon, you want pussy, come on in Pussy Lovers! <br/>If we don’t got it, you don't want it! <br/>Come on in Pussy lovers! * Attention pussy shoppers! <br/>Take advantage of our penny pussy sale! <br/>If you buy one piece of pussy at the regular price, you get another piece of pussy of equal or lesser value for only a penny! <br/>Try and beat pussy for a penny! <br/>If you can find cheaper pussy anywhere, fuck it! * ''[As a vampire]'' You know what they say about me? I suck! == Others == * '''Earl McGraw''': Well, it's been one long goddamn hot miserable shit-ass fuckin' day every inch of the way. * '''Earl McGraw''': Jesus H. Christ, Pete. When you gonna learn that microwave food'll kill you faster than a bullet? I mean, them damn burritos ain't good for nothing but a hippie, when he's high on weed. * '''Sex Machine''': Now let's kill that fuckin' band. == Dialogue == :'''Pete Bottoms''': ''[about a Texas Ranger]'' Look, he comes in here everyday, and we bullshit. He's used my toilet a thousand times. If I said no, he'd know somethin' was up. :'''Seth''': I want him out of here, in his car, and down the road within the next five minutes, or you can change the name of this place to Benny's World of Blood. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Richie''': The guy's back there taking a piss. Why don't I just go there, shoot him in the back of the head, and we'll get the Hell outta here. :'''Pete Bottoms''': Don't do that! Look, you asked me to act natural, and I'm acting as natural - in fact, under the circumstances, I think I ought get a fuckin' Academy Award for how natural I'm acting. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Benny's World of Liquor explodes in the background]'' :'''Seth''': What did I tell you? What did I '''say''' to you?! I said "Buy the road map and leave". :'''Richie''': The fuck was I supposed to do, Seth? He recognized us. :'''Seth''': He didn't recognize shit! :'''Richie''': Seth, I'm telling you. The way he looked at us, you especially, I knew he knew. :'''Seth''': "Low profile". Do you understand the meaning of the words "low profile"? :'''Richie''': "Hey, Richie, how's your hand?" It hurts like a fucking son of a bitch, thanks for asking, Seth! :'''Seth''': Let me tell you what "low profile" is not! It is not taking girls hostage! It is not shooting police officers! '''IT IS NOT SETTING FIRE TO A BUILDING!''' :'''Richie''': Bitch, bitch, bitch.... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seth''': So, what's the story with you two, you a couple of fags? :'''Jacob''': He's my son. :'''Seth''': How's that happen? You don't look Japanese. :'''Jacob''': Neither does he. He looks Chinese. :'''Seth''': Oh. Well, excuse me all to hell. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Richie is day-dreaming]'' :'''Kate''': Richie, would you do me a favor and eat my pussy for me... please? :'''Richie''': Uhh... sure. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seth''': ''[talking to Jacob about his wife's death in a car crash]'' Died right away? :'''Jacob''': Not quite. She was trapped in the wreck for about six hours before she passed on. :'''Seth''': Yeah, those acts of God really stick it in and break it off, don't they? :'''Jacob''': Yes, they do. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kate''': Where are you taking us? :'''Richie''': Mexico. :'''Kate''': What's in Mexico? :'''Richie''': Mexicans. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Richie''': Where are my glasses? :'''Seth''': They broke when you fell. :'''Richie''': Oh, fuck, Seth, these are like my only pair! :'''Seth''': Don't worry about it. :'''Richie''': Whatdya mean, don't worry about it? Of course I'm gonna worry about it, I can't fuckin' see! :'''Seth''': I'll take care of it when we get to El Rey. :'''Richie''': Yeah, like some Mexican hole-in-the-wall's gonna have my fuckin' prescription. :'''Seth''': It is not a big deal until you make it a big deal. Now I was in a very good mood, so stop bringing me down with this bullshit! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seth''': Shit, I been to bars make this place look like a fuckin' 4-H club. :'''Richie''': I gotta say I'm with Jacob on this. I been to some fucked up places in my time, but that place is fucked up. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seth''': Now is my shit together, or is my shit together? :'''Richie''': Your shit is forever together! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jacob''': Are you such a fucking loser, you can't tell when you've won? :'''Seth''': What did you call me? :'''Jacob''': Nothing. I didn't make a statement. I asked a question. Would you like me to ask it again? :'''Seth''': Umm-hmm. :'''Jacob''': Are you such a loser you can't tell when you've won? The entire state of Texas, along with the F.B.I., is looking for you. Did they find you? No. They couldn't. You've won, Seth, enjoy it. :'''Seth''': Jacob, I want you to have a drink with me. I insist. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Santanico Pandemonium''': I'm not gonna drain you completely. You'll be my slave. Because I don't think you're worthy of human blood, you'll feed on the blood of stray dogs. You'll be my foot stool. And at my command, you'll lick the dog shit from my boot heel. Since you'll be my dog, your new name will be "Spot." Welcome to slavery. :'''Seth''': No, thanks. I've already had a wife. ''[shoots the chandelier above her head, which falls and impales her]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seth''': ''[looking at Richie's corpse]'' I love you, Richie. :'''Richie''': I love you too, Seth. ''[roars into vampire form]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kate''': Are you okay? :'''Seth''': Peachy, Kate. The world's my oyster, except for the fact that I just rammed a wooden stake in my brother's heart because he turned into a vampire, even though I don't believe in vampires. Aside from that unfortunate business, everything's hunky-dory. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seth''': Do you have a cross? :'''Jacob''': In the motor home. :'''Seth''': In other words, no. :'''Scott''': What are you talking about? We got crosses all over the place. All you gotta do is put two sticks together and you got a cross. :'''Sex Machine''': He's right. [[w:Peter Cushing|Peter Cushing]] does that all the time. :'''Seth''': Okay, I'll buy that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jacob''': Has anybody here read a real book about vampires, or are we just remembering what a movie said? I mean a ''real'' book. :'''Sex Machine''': You mean like a Time-Life book? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seth''': I don't give a damn about living or dying anymore. I just wanna send as many as these devils back to hell as I can. :'''Jacob''': Amen. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kate''': Seth, should I save the last two bullets for us? :'''Seth''': No, use 'em on the next fuck who tries to bite you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seth''': ''[about the Titty Twister]'' Why, out of all the God-forsaken shitholes in Mexico, do we have to meet here? :'''Carlos''': One place's just as good as another. :'''Seth''': You've never been here before? :'''Carlos''': No. I drove by it a couple of times. It's a rowdy place, it's out in the middle of nowhere, there'd be no cops. It's open from dusk till dawn. And didn't you say you wanted to meet in the morning? Here we are. :'''Seth''': Well, since you just picked this place out of a hat, my brother is dead! That girl's entire fucking family is dead! :'''Carlos''': What were they, psychos? :'''Seth''': Did they look like psychos? Is that what they looked like? They were vampires! Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don't give a fuck how crazy they are! :'''Carlos''': Well Seth, how can I make it up to you? :'''Seth''': No, Carlos! Can't do it! I tell you, you cannot make it up to me. Can't do it! ''[pause]'' 15%, instead of 30% for my stay in El Ray, that's a good start. :'''Carlos''': ''[beat]'' 28? :'''Seth''': My brother's gone, Carlos, you understand that? He's gone, and he is not coming back, and that is your fault. ''[beat]'' 20%. :''[Carlos smiles as they both move to shake hands]'' :'''Carlos''': 25. :'''Seth''': ''[Simultaneously]''25. :''[They both nod in agreement]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines]'' :'''Seth''': I may be a bastard, but I'm not a fuckin' bastard. == About ''From Dusk till Dawn'' == * I had to work with Harvey Keitel, and my character was supposed to dominate him. Now, nobody but nobody dominates Harvey on screen. I did my best, but when I look at the result, I can see him throw in a gesture, raise an eyebrow, or even take a pause, and he takes focus. That's why he's Harvey Keitel, and I'm just a lucky guy with the best job in the world. ** George Clooney [http://www.ign.com/articles/2002/10/24/an-interview-with-salma-hayek] * Do you know what it was like to dance with that snake in a bikini? That's probably the biggest challenge I have ever encountered. ** Salma Hayek [http://www.ign.com/articles/2002/10/24/an-interview-with-salma-hayek] == Taglines == * A terrifying evil has been unleashed. And five strangers are our only hope to stop it. * Vampires. No Interviews. * From Quentin Tarantino. From Robert Rodriguez. From Dusk Till Dawn * The Showdown is on. * One night is all that stands between them and freedom. But it's going to be one hell of a night. * How far can Too Far go? == Cast == * [[w:Harvey Keitel|Harvey Keitel]] - Jacob Fuller * [[George Clooney]] - Seth Gecko * [[Quentin Tarantino]] - Richard Gecko * [[w:Juliette Lewis|Juliette Lewis]] - Kate Fuller * [[w:Ernest Liu|Ernest Liu]] - Scott Fuller * [[Salma Hayek]] - Santanico Pandemonium * [[w:Cheech Marin|Cheech Marin]] - Border Guard/Chet Pussy/Carlos * [[w:Danny Trejo|Danny Trejo]] - Razor Charlie * [[w:Tom Savini|Tom Savini]] - Sex Machine * [[w:Fred Williamson|Fred Williamson]] - Frost * [[w:Michael Parks|Michael Parks]] - Texas Ranger Earl McGraw == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title | id=0116367 | title=From Dusk Till Dawn}} * {{rotten-tomatoes | id=from_dusk_till_dawn | title=From Dusk Till Dawn}} {{DEFAULTSORT:From Dusk Till Dawn}} [[Category:1996 films]] [[Category:Action films]] [[Category:Comedy horror films]] [[Category:Vampire films]] [[Category:Screenplays by Quentin Tarantino]] [[Category:Robert Rodriguez films]] [[Category:Films set in Mexico]] [[Category:Films set in Texas]] [[Category:Films about abduction]] [[Category:Films about psychopaths]] [[Category:Films about widowhood]] g24hjkv3xi4cpqsu4gjrd82uclsryyu 3157924 3157923 2022-08-25T19:43:55Z 75.129.54.102 /* Seth Gecko */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:From Dusk Till Dawn logo.png|thumb]] '''''[[w:From Dusk till Dawn|From Dusk till Dawn]]''''' is a [[w:1996 in film|1996 action-comedy-horror film]] about two criminals and their hostages who spend the night in a Mexican strip club that turns out to be a vampire nest. :''Directed by [[w:Robert Rodriguez|Robert Rodriguez]]. Written by [[Quentin Tarantino]].'' {{center|'''A terrifying evil has been unleashed. And five strangers are our only hope to stop it.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}} == Seth Gecko == * Well, your best better get a hell of a lot fucking better, or you are gonna feel a hell of a lot fucking worse. Everybody be cool. ''You'' — be cool! * Now I'm gonna ask you one question, and all I want is a yes or no answer: Do you wanna live through this? * Let me explain the house rules. Follow the rules, we'll get along like a house on fire. Rule number one: No noise, no questions. You make a noise... ''[holds up gun]'' Mr. .44 makes a noise. You ask a question, Mr. .44 answers it. * Don't you ever try and fucking run on us, 'cause I've got six little friends and they can all run faster than you can. * Do you think this is who I am? I am a professional thief, I don't run around killing people I don't have to. * I know that I have put you through hell, and I know that I have been one rough pecker. But from here on, you are all in my cool book. * ''[puts a gun to Sex-Machine's head]'' You touch my brother with that stake, ''biker'', and vampires won't have to suck your blood. They'll be able to lick it up off the floor. * Richie, here is the peace in death that I could not give you in life! * And I don't want to hear anything about "I don't believe in vampires" because ''I'' don't believe in vampires, but I believe in my own two eyes, and what ''I'' saw is fucking vampires! * So what are you, Jacob? A faithless preacher? Or a mean motherfuckin' servant of God? * And if there is a hell, and those sons of bitches are from it, then there has got to be a heaven... Jacob, there's gotta be. * I'm gonna kill every last one of you godless fuckin' pieces of shit! * All right, vampire killers... let's kill some fucking vampires. * All right, ramblers... Let's get ramblin'. * I may be a bastard, but I'm not a fuckin' bastard. == Jacob Fuller == * Every person who... chooses the service of God as his life's work has something in common. I don't care if you're a preacher, a priest, a nun, a rabbi or a Buddhist monk. Many, many times during your life you will look at your reflection in a mirror and ask yourself: am I a fool? I'm not going through a lapse; what I've experienced is closer to awakening. * ''[on his impending vampirization]'' I'll be a lap dog of Satan. == Chet Pussy == * Alright, pussy, pussy, pussy! <br/>Come on in Pussy lovers! <br/>Here at the Titty Twister we’re slashing pussy in half! <br/>Give us an offer on our vast selection of pussy, this is a pussy blow out! <br/> Alright, we got white pussy, black pussy, Spanish pussy, yellow pussy. We got hot pussy, cold pussy. We got wet pussy. We got smelly pussy. We got hairy pussy, bloody pussy. We got snapping pussy. We got silk pussy, velvet pussy, naugahyde pussy. We even got horse pussy, dog pussy, chicken pussy. <br/>C'mon, you want pussy, come on in Pussy Lovers! <br/>If we don’t got it, you don't want it! <br/>Come on in Pussy lovers! * Attention pussy shoppers! <br/>Take advantage of our penny pussy sale! <br/>If you buy one piece of pussy at the regular price, you get another piece of pussy of equal or lesser value for only a penny! <br/>Try and beat pussy for a penny! <br/>If you can find cheaper pussy anywhere, fuck it! * ''[As a vampire]'' You know what they say about me? I suck! == Others == * '''Earl McGraw''': Well, it's been one long goddamn hot miserable shit-ass fuckin' day every inch of the way. * '''Earl McGraw''': Jesus H. Christ, Pete. When you gonna learn that microwave food'll kill you faster than a bullet? I mean, them damn burritos ain't good for nothing but a hippie, when he's high on weed. * '''Sex Machine''': Now let's kill that fuckin' band. == Dialogue == :'''Pete Bottoms''': ''[about a Texas Ranger]'' Look, he comes in here everyday, and we bullshit. He's used my toilet a thousand times. If I said no, he'd know somethin' was up. :'''Seth''': I want him out of here, in his car, and down the road within the next five minutes, or you can change the name of this place to Benny's World of Blood. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Richie''': The guy's back there taking a piss. Why don't I just go there, shoot him in the back of the head, and we'll get the Hell outta here. :'''Pete Bottoms''': Don't do that! Look, you asked me to act natural, and I'm acting as natural - in fact, under the circumstances, I think I ought get a fuckin' Academy Award for how natural I'm acting. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Benny's World of Liquor explodes in the background]'' :'''Seth''': What did I tell you? What did I '''say''' to you?! I said "Buy the road map and leave". :'''Richie''': The fuck was I supposed to do, Seth? He recognized us. :'''Seth''': He didn't recognize shit! :'''Richie''': Seth, I'm telling you. The way he looked at us, you especially, I knew he knew. :'''Seth''': "Low profile". Do you understand the meaning of the words "low profile"? :'''Richie''': "Hey, Richie, how's your hand?" It hurts like a fucking son of a bitch, thanks for asking, Seth! :'''Seth''': Let me tell you what "low profile" is not! It is not taking girls hostage! It is not shooting police officers! '''IT IS NOT SETTING FIRE TO A BUILDING!''' :'''Richie''': Bitch, bitch, bitch.... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seth''': So, what's the story with you two, you a couple of fags? :'''Jacob''': He's my son. :'''Seth''': How's that happen? You don't look Japanese. :'''Jacob''': Neither does he. He looks Chinese. :'''Seth''': Oh. Well, excuse me all to hell. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Richie is day-dreaming]'' :'''Kate''': Richie, would you do me a favor and eat my pussy for me... please? :'''Richie''': Uhh... sure. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seth''': ''[talking to Jacob about his wife's death in a car crash]'' Died right away? :'''Jacob''': Not quite. She was trapped in the wreck for about six hours before she passed on. :'''Seth''': Yeah, those acts of God really stick it in and break it off, don't they? :'''Jacob''': Yes, they do. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kate''': Where are you taking us? :'''Richie''': Mexico. :'''Kate''': What's in Mexico? :'''Richie''': Mexicans. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Richie''': Where are my glasses? :'''Seth''': They broke when you fell. :'''Richie''': Oh, fuck, Seth, these are like my only pair! :'''Seth''': Don't worry about it. :'''Richie''': Whatdya mean, don't worry about it? Of course I'm gonna worry about it, I can't fuckin' see! :'''Seth''': I'll take care of it when we get to El Rey. :'''Richie''': Yeah, like some Mexican hole-in-the-wall's gonna have my fuckin' prescription. :'''Seth''': It is not a big deal until you make it a big deal. Now I was in a very good mood, so stop bringing me down with this bullshit! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seth''': Shit, I been to bars make this place look like a fuckin' 4-H club. :'''Richie''': I gotta say I'm with Jacob on this. I been to some fucked up places in my time, but that place is fucked up. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seth''': Now is my shit together, or is my shit together? :'''Richie''': Your shit is forever together! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jacob''': Are you such a fucking loser, you can't tell when you've won? :'''Seth''': What did you call me? :'''Jacob''': Nothing. I didn't make a statement. I asked a question. Would you like me to ask it again? :'''Seth''': Umm-hmm. :'''Jacob''': Are you such a loser you can't tell when you've won? The entire state of Texas, along with the F.B.I., is looking for you. Did they find you? No. They couldn't. You've won, Seth, enjoy it. :'''Seth''': Jacob, I want you to have a drink with me. I insist. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Santanico Pandemonium''': I'm not gonna drain you completely. You'll be my slave. Because I don't think you're worthy of human blood, you'll feed on the blood of stray dogs. You'll be my foot stool. And at my command, you'll lick the dog shit from my boot heel. Since you'll be my dog, your new name will be "Spot." Welcome to slavery. :'''Seth''': No, thanks. I've already had a wife. ''[shoots the chandelier above her head, which falls and impales her]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seth''': ''[looking at Richie's corpse]'' I love you, Richie. :'''Richie''': I love you too, Seth. ''[roars into vampire form]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kate''': Are you okay? :'''Seth''': Peachy, Kate. The world's my oyster, except for the fact that I just rammed a wooden stake in my brother's heart because he turned into a vampire, even though I don't believe in vampires. Aside from that unfortunate business, everything's hunky-dory. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seth''': Do you have a cross? :'''Jacob''': In the motor home. :'''Seth''': In other words, no. :'''Scott''': What are you talking about? We got crosses all over the place. All you gotta do is put two sticks together and you got a cross. :'''Sex Machine''': He's right. [[w:Peter Cushing|Peter Cushing]] does that all the time. :'''Seth''': Okay, I'll buy that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jacob''': Has anybody here read a real book about vampires, or are we just remembering what a movie said? I mean a ''real'' book. :'''Sex Machine''': You mean like a Time-Life book? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seth''': I don't give a damn about living or dying anymore. I just wanna send as many as these devils back to hell as I can. :'''Jacob''': Amen. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kate''': Seth, should I save the last two bullets for us? :'''Seth''': No, use 'em on the next fuck who tries to bite you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seth''': ''[about the Titty Twister]'' Why, out of all the God-forsaken shitholes in Mexico, do we have to meet here? :'''Carlos''': One place's just as good as another. :'''Seth''': You've never been here before? :'''Carlos''': No. I drove by it a couple of times. It's a rowdy place, it's out in the middle of nowhere, there'd be no cops. It's open from dusk till dawn. And didn't you say you wanted to meet in the morning? Here we are. :'''Seth''': Well, since you just picked this place out of a hat, my brother is dead! That girl's entire fucking family is dead! :'''Carlos''': What were they, psychos? :'''Seth''': Did they look like psychos? Is that what they looked like? They were vampires! Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don't give a fuck how crazy they are! :'''Carlos''': Well Seth, how can I make it up to you? :'''Seth''': No, Carlos! Can't do it! I tell you, you cannot make it up to me. Can't do it! ''[pause]'' 15%, instead of 30% for my stay in El Ray, that's a good start. :'''Carlos''': ''[beat]'' 28? :'''Seth''': My brother's gone, Carlos, you understand that? He's gone, and he is not coming back, and that is your fault. ''[beat]'' 20%. :''[Carlos smiles as they both move to shake hands]'' :'''Carlos''': 25. :'''Seth''': ''[Simultaneously]''25. :''[They both nod in agreement]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines]'' :'''Seth''': I may be a bastard, but I'm not a fuckin' bastard. == About ''From Dusk till Dawn'' == * I had to work with Harvey Keitel, and my character was supposed to dominate him. Now, nobody but nobody dominates Harvey on screen. I did my best, but when I look at the result, I can see him throw in a gesture, raise an eyebrow, or even take a pause, and he takes focus. That's why he's Harvey Keitel, and I'm just a lucky guy with the best job in the world. ** George Clooney [http://www.ign.com/articles/2002/10/24/an-interview-with-salma-hayek] * Do you know what it was like to dance with that snake in a bikini? That's probably the biggest challenge I have ever encountered. ** Salma Hayek [http://www.ign.com/articles/2002/10/24/an-interview-with-salma-hayek] == Taglines == * A terrifying evil has been unleashed. And five strangers are our only hope to stop it. * Vampires. No Interviews. * From Quentin Tarantino. From Robert Rodriguez. From Dusk Till Dawn * The Showdown is on. * One night is all that stands between them and freedom. But it's going to be one hell of a night. * How far can Too Far go? == Cast == * [[w:Harvey Keitel|Harvey Keitel]] - Jacob Fuller * [[George Clooney]] - Seth Gecko * [[Quentin Tarantino]] - Richard Gecko * [[w:Juliette Lewis|Juliette Lewis]] - Kate Fuller * [[w:Ernest Liu|Ernest Liu]] - Scott Fuller * [[Salma Hayek]] - Santanico Pandemonium * [[w:Cheech Marin|Cheech Marin]] - Border Guard/Chet Pussy/Carlos * [[w:Danny Trejo|Danny Trejo]] - Razor Charlie * [[w:Tom Savini|Tom Savini]] - Sex Machine * [[w:Fred Williamson|Fred Williamson]] - Frost * [[w:Michael Parks|Michael Parks]] - Texas Ranger Earl McGraw == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title | id=0116367 | title=From Dusk Till Dawn}} * {{rotten-tomatoes | id=from_dusk_till_dawn | title=From Dusk Till Dawn}} {{DEFAULTSORT:From Dusk Till Dawn}} [[Category:1996 films]] [[Category:Action films]] [[Category:Comedy horror films]] [[Category:Vampire films]] [[Category:Screenplays by Quentin Tarantino]] [[Category:Robert Rodriguez films]] [[Category:Films set in Mexico]] [[Category:Films set in Texas]] [[Category:Films about abduction]] [[Category:Films about psychopaths]] [[Category:Films about widowhood]] ou9f944rlpa10q05pdf6o7vw09q73ek 3157925 3157924 2022-08-25T20:10:15Z 75.129.54.102 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:From Dusk Till Dawn logo.png|thumb]] '''''[[w:From Dusk till Dawn|From Dusk till Dawn]]''''' is a [[w:1996 in film|1996 action-comedy-horror film]] about two criminals and their hostages who spend the night in a Mexican strip club that turns out to be a vampire nest. :''Directed by [[w:Robert Rodriguez|Robert Rodriguez]]. Written by [[Quentin Tarantino]].'' {{center|'''A terrifying evil has been unleashed. And five strangers are our only hope to stop it.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}} == Seth Gecko == * Well, your best better get a hell of a lot fucking better, or you are gonna feel a hell of a lot fucking worse. Everybody be cool. ''You'' — be cool! * Now I'm gonna ask you one question, and all I want is a yes or no answer: Do you wanna live through this? * Let me explain the house rules. Follow the rules, we'll get along like a house on fire. Rule number one: No noise, no questions. You make a noise... ''[holds up gun]'' Mr. .44 makes a noise. You ask a question, Mr. .44 answers it. * Don't you ever try and fucking run on us, 'cause I've got six little friends and they can all run faster than you can. * Do you think this is who I am? I am a professional thief, I don't run around killing people I don't have to. * I know that I have put you through hell, and I know that I have been one rough pecker. But from here on, you are all in my cool book. * ''[puts a gun to Sex-Machine's head]'' You touch my brother with that stake, ''biker'', and vampires won't have to suck your blood. They'll be able to lick it up off the floor. * Richie, here is the peace in death that I could not give you in life! * And I don't want to hear anything about "I don't believe in vampires" because ''I'' don't believe in vampires, but I believe in my own two eyes, and what ''I'' saw is fucking vampires! * So what are you, Jacob? A faithless preacher? Or a mean motherfuckin' servant of God? * And if there is a hell, and those sons of bitches are from it, then there has got to be a heaven... Jacob, there's gotta be. * I'm gonna kill every last one of you godless fuckin' pieces of shit! * All right, vampire killers... let's kill some fucking vampires. * All right, ramblers... Let's get ramblin'. * I may be a bastard, but I'm not a fuckin' bastard. == Jacob Fuller == * Every person who... chooses the service of God as his life's work has something in common. I don't care if you're a preacher, a priest, a nun, a rabbi or a Buddhist monk. Many, many times during your life you will look at your reflection in a mirror and ask yourself: am I a fool? I'm not going through a lapse; what I've experienced is closer to awakening. * ''[on his impending vampirization]'' I'll be a lap dog of Satan. == Chet Pussy == * Alright, pussy, pussy, pussy! <br/>Come on in Pussy lovers! <br/>Here at the Titty Twister we’re slashing pussy in half! <br/>Give us an offer on our vast selection of pussy, this is a pussy blow out! <br/> Alright, we got white pussy, black pussy, Spanish pussy, yellow pussy. We got hot pussy, cold pussy. We got wet pussy. We got smelly pussy. We got hairy pussy, bloody pussy. We got snapping pussy. We got silk pussy, velvet pussy, naugahyde pussy. We even got horse pussy, dog pussy, chicken pussy. <br/>C'mon, you want pussy, come on in Pussy Lovers! <br/>If we don’t got it, you don't want it! <br/>Come on in Pussy lovers! * Attention pussy shoppers! <br/>Take advantage of our penny pussy sale! <br/>If you buy one piece of pussy at the regular price, you get another piece of pussy of equal or lesser value for only a penny! <br/>Try and beat pussy for a penny! <br/>If you can find cheaper pussy anywhere, fuck it! * ''[As a vampire]'' You know what they say about me? I suck! == Others == * '''Earl McGraw''': Well, it's been one long goddamn hot miserable shit-ass fuckin' day every inch of the way. * '''Earl McGraw''': Jesus H. Christ, Pete. When you gonna learn that microwave food'll kill you faster than a bullet? I mean, them damn burritos ain't good for nothing but a hippie, when he's high on weed. * '''Sex Machine''': Now let's kill that fuckin' band. == Dialogue == :'''Pete Bottoms''': ''[about a Texas Ranger]'' Look, he comes in here everyday, and we bullshit. He's used my toilet a thousand times. If I said no, he'd know somethin' was up. :'''Seth''': I want him out of here, in his car, and down the road within the next five minutes, or you can change the name of this place to Benny's World of Blood. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Richie''': The guy's back there taking a piss. Why don't I just go there, shoot him in the back of the head, and we'll get the Hell outta here. :'''Pete Bottoms''': Don't do that! Look, you asked me to act natural, and I'm acting as natural - in fact, under the circumstances, I think I ought get a fuckin' Academy Award for how natural I'm acting. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Benny's World of Liquor explodes in the background]'' :'''Seth''': What did I tell you? What did I '''say''' to you?! I said "Buy the road map and leave". :'''Richie''': The fuck was I supposed to do, Seth? He recognized us. :'''Seth''': He didn't recognize shit! :'''Richie''': Seth, I'm telling you. The way he looked at us, you especially, I knew he knew. :'''Seth''': "Low profile". Do you understand the meaning of the words "low profile"? :'''Richie''': "Hey, Richie, how's your hand?" It hurts like a fucking son of a bitch, thanks for asking, Seth! :'''Seth''': Let me tell you what "low profile" is not! It is not taking girls hostage! It is not shooting police officers! '''IT IS NOT SETTING FIRE TO A BUILDING!''' :'''Richie''': Bitch, bitch, bitch.... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seth''': So, what's the story with you two, you a couple of fags? :'''Jacob''': He's my son. :'''Seth''': How's that happen? You don't look Japanese. :'''Jacob''': Neither does he. He looks Chinese. :'''Seth''': Oh. Well, excuse me all to hell. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Richie is day-dreaming]'' :'''Kate''': Richie, would you do me a favor and eat my pussy for me... please? :'''Richie''': Uhh... sure. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seth''': ''[talking to Jacob about his wife's death in a car crash]'' Died right away? :'''Jacob''': Not quite. She was trapped in the wreck for about six hours before she passed on. :'''Seth''': Yeah, those acts of God really stick it in and break it off, don't they? :'''Jacob''': Yes, they do. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kate''': Where are you taking us? :'''Richie''': Mexico. :'''Kate''': What's in Mexico? :'''Richie''': Mexicans. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Richie''': Where are my glasses? :'''Seth''': They broke when you fell. :'''Richie''': Oh, fuck, Seth, these are like my only pair! :'''Seth''': Don't worry about it. :'''Richie''': Whatdya mean, don't worry about it? Of course I'm gonna worry about it, I can't fuckin' see! :'''Seth''': I'll take care of it when we get to El Rey. :'''Richie''': Yeah, like some Mexican hole-in-the-wall's gonna have my fuckin' prescription. :'''Seth''': It is not a big deal until you make it a big deal. Now I was in a very good mood, so stop bringing me down with this bullshit! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seth''': Shit, I been to bars make this place look like a fuckin' 4-H club. :'''Richie''': I gotta say I'm with Jacob on this. I been to some fucked up places in my time, but that place is fucked up. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seth''': Now is my shit together, or is my shit together? :'''Richie''': Your shit is forever together! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jacob''': Are you such a fucking loser, you can't tell when you've won? :'''Seth''': What did you call me? :'''Jacob''': Nothing. I didn't make a statement. I asked a question. Would you like me to ask it again? :'''Seth''': Umm-hmm. :'''Jacob''': Are you such a loser you can't tell when you've won? The entire state of Texas, along with the F.B.I., is looking for you. Did they find you? No. They couldn't. You've won, Seth, enjoy it. :'''Seth''': Jacob, I want you to have a drink with me. I insist. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Santanico Pandemonium''': I'm not gonna drain you completely. You'll be my slave. Because I don't think you're worthy of human blood, you'll feed on the blood of stray dogs. You'll be my foot stool. And at my command, you'll lick the dog shit from my boot heel. Since you'll be my dog, your new name will be "Spot." Welcome to slavery. :'''Seth''': No, thanks. I've already had a wife. ''[shoots the chandelier above her head, which falls and impales her]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seth''': ''[looking at Richie's corpse]'' I love you, Richie. :'''Richie''': I love you too, Seth. ''[roars into vampire form]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kate''': Are you okay? :'''Seth''': Peachy, Kate. The world's my oyster, except for the fact that I just rammed a wooden stake in my brother's heart because he turned into a vampire, even though I don't believe in vampires. Aside from that unfortunate business, everything's hunky-dory. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seth''': Do you have a cross? :'''Jacob''': In the motor home. :'''Seth''': In other words, no. :'''Scott''': What are you talking about? We got crosses all over the place. All you gotta do is put two sticks together and you got a cross. :'''Sex Machine''': He's right. [[w:Peter Cushing|Peter Cushing]] does that all the time. :'''Seth''': Okay, I'll buy that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jacob''': Has anybody here read a real book about vampires, or are we just remembering what a movie said? I mean a ''real'' book. :'''Sex Machine''': You mean like a Time-Life book? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seth''': I don't give a damn about living or dying anymore. I just wanna send as many as these devils back to hell as I can. :'''Jacob''': Amen. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kate''': Seth, should I save the last two bullets for us? :'''Seth''': No, use 'em on the next fuck who tries to bite you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seth''': ''[about the Titty Twister]'' Why, out of all the God-forsaken shitholes in Mexico, do we have to meet here? :'''Carlos''': One place's just as good as another. :'''Seth''': You've never been here before? :'''Carlos''': No. I drove by it a couple of times. It's a rowdy place, it's out in the middle of nowhere, there'd be no cops. It's open from dusk till dawn. And didn't you say you wanted to meet in the morning? Here we are. :'''Seth''': Well, since you just picked this place out of a hat, my brother is dead! That girl's entire fucking family is dead! :'''Carlos''': What were they, psychos? :'''Seth''': Did they look like psychos? Is that what they looked like? They were vampires! Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don't give a fuck how crazy they are! :'''Carlos''': Well Seth, how can I make it up to you? :'''Seth''': No, Carlos! Can't do it! I tell you, you cannot make it up to me. Can't do it! ''[pause]'' 15%, instead of 30% for my stay in El Ray, that's a good start. :'''Carlos''': ''[beat]'' 28? :'''Seth''': My brother's gone, Carlos, you understand that? He's gone, and he is not coming back, and that is your fault. ''[beat]'' 20%. :''[Carlos smiles as they both move to shake hands]'' :'''Carlos and Seth''': ''[simultaneously]'' 25. :''[They both nod in agreement]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines]'' :'''Seth''': I may be a bastard, but I'm not a fuckin' bastard. == About ''From Dusk till Dawn'' == * I had to work with Harvey Keitel, and my character was supposed to dominate him. Now, nobody but nobody dominates Harvey on screen. I did my best, but when I look at the result, I can see him throw in a gesture, raise an eyebrow, or even take a pause, and he takes focus. That's why he's Harvey Keitel, and I'm just a lucky guy with the best job in the world. ** George Clooney [http://www.ign.com/articles/2002/10/24/an-interview-with-salma-hayek] * Do you know what it was like to dance with that snake in a bikini? That's probably the biggest challenge I have ever encountered. ** Salma Hayek [http://www.ign.com/articles/2002/10/24/an-interview-with-salma-hayek] == Taglines == * A terrifying evil has been unleashed. And five strangers are our only hope to stop it. * Vampires. No Interviews. * From Quentin Tarantino. From Robert Rodriguez. From Dusk Till Dawn * The Showdown is on. * One night is all that stands between them and freedom. But it's going to be one hell of a night. * How far can Too Far go? == Cast == * [[w:Harvey Keitel|Harvey Keitel]] - Jacob Fuller * [[George Clooney]] - Seth Gecko * [[Quentin Tarantino]] - Richard Gecko * [[w:Juliette Lewis|Juliette Lewis]] - Kate Fuller * [[w:Ernest Liu|Ernest Liu]] - Scott Fuller * [[Salma Hayek]] - Santanico Pandemonium * [[w:Cheech Marin|Cheech Marin]] - Border Guard/Chet Pussy/Carlos * [[w:Danny Trejo|Danny Trejo]] - Razor Charlie * [[w:Tom Savini|Tom Savini]] - Sex Machine * [[w:Fred Williamson|Fred Williamson]] - Frost * [[w:Michael Parks|Michael Parks]] - Texas Ranger Earl McGraw == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title | id=0116367 | title=From Dusk Till Dawn}} * {{rotten-tomatoes | id=from_dusk_till_dawn | title=From Dusk Till Dawn}} {{DEFAULTSORT:From Dusk Till Dawn}} [[Category:1996 films]] [[Category:Action films]] [[Category:Comedy horror films]] [[Category:Vampire films]] [[Category:Screenplays by Quentin Tarantino]] [[Category:Robert Rodriguez films]] [[Category:Films set in Mexico]] [[Category:Films set in Texas]] [[Category:Films about abduction]] [[Category:Films about psychopaths]] [[Category:Films about widowhood]] a59925cncnr72qsst6le9r6tw6euxud 0 30336 3158002 3052050 2022-08-25T23:23:57Z Kalki 71 /* Christopher and His Kind (1976) */ add quote, image, extend a quote, formatting wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Christopher Isherwood 3 Allan Waren.jpg|thumb|I [[must]] [[honor]] those who [[fight]] of their own [[free]] [[will]] … And I must try to imitate their [[courage]] by following my path as a [[pacifist]], wherever it takes me.]] '''[[w:Christopher Isherwood|Christopher William Bradshaw Isherwood]]''' ([[26 August]] [[1904]] – [[4 January]] [[1986]]) was a [[UK|British]]-[[USA|American]] [[writer]]. == Quotes == [[File:Christopher Isherwood 6 Allan Warren.jpg|thumb| The [[name]] which in a sense makes you nameless, less [[individual]] rather than more so: '''Bradshaw-Isherwood, C.W.''' in its place on some alphabetical list…]] [[File:Christopher Isherwood 5 Allan Warren.jpg|thumb|You’ve got to [[think]], to discriminate, to exercise your own [[free]] [[will]] and [[judgment]]. And you [[must]] do this, I repeat, without tension, quite [[rationally]] and calmly.]] [[File:Christopher Isherwood 4 Allan Warren.jpg|thumb|I'll bet [[Shakespeare]] compromised himself a lot; anybody who's in the entertainment industry does to some extent.]] * '''I am a camera with its shutter open, quite passive, recording, not thinking.''' ** "Berlin Diary" (1930) from ''Goodbye to Berlin'' (1939) * '''If I [[fear]] anything, I fear the atmosphere of the [[war]], the [[power]] which it gives to all the things I hate — the newspapers, the [[politicians]], the puritans, the scoutmasters, the middle-aged merciless spinsters.''' I fear the way I might behave, if I were exposed to this atmosphere. I shrink from the duty of opposition. I am afraid I should be reduced to a chattering enraged monkey, screaming back [[hate]] at their hate. ** Diary entry, 20 January 1940, from ''The Diaries of Christopher Isherwood, vol I: 1939 - 1960,'' edited by Katherine Bucknell, p. 84<!-- {{ISBN|0-06-11800-9 --}}> * '''Horror is always aware of its cause; terror never is. That is precisely what makes terror terrifying.''' ** ''Great English Short Stories'' (1957), selected and introduced by Isherwood, p. 267 <!-- [Laurel TM 674623] --> * It seems to me that the real clue to your sex orientation lies in your romantic feelings rather than in your sexual feelings. If you are really gay, you are able to fall in love with a man, not just enjoy having sex with him. ** As quoted in "Christopher Isherwood Interview" with Winston Leyland (1973), from ''Conversations with Christopher Isherwood,'' ed. James J. Berg and Chris Freeman (2001) {{ISBN|1-57806-408-2}}, p. 106 * At one campus where I was lecturing, I asked a [[friend]], "How many of my colleagues know I'm gay?" He answered, "All of them." I wasn't surprised. But, just the same, it was kind of spooky, because not one of them had ever given me the faintest sign that he or she knew. If I had spoken about it myself, most of them would have felt it was in bad taste. ** As quoted in "Christopher Isherwood Interview" with Winston Leyland (1973), from ''Conversations with Christopher Isherwood,'' ed. James J. Berg and Chris Freeman (2001), p. 108 * '''The images which remained in the memory are not in themselves terrible or rigorous''': they are of boot-lockers, wooden desks, lists on boards, name-tags in clothes — yes, the [[name]] pre-eminently; '''the name which in a sense makes you nameless, less individual rather than more so: Bradshaw-Isherwood, C.W. in its place on some alphabetical list; the cold daily, hourly reminder that you are not the unique, the loved, the household’s darling, but just one among many.''' I suppose that this [[loss]] of [[identity]] is really much of the [[painfulness]] which lies at the bottom of what is called Homesickness; it is not [[Home]] that one cries for but one’s home-[[self]]. ** As quoted in ''Isherwood : A Life'' (2004) by Peter Parker, pp. 40-41; this reminiscence is from the first draft of the biographical study Isherwood did of his parents (Huntington CI 1082: 81). The version published in ''Kathleen and Frank'' (1971), chapter 15, p. 285 differs slightly. * I believe the Gita to be one of the major religious documents of the world. If its teachings did not seem to me to agree with those of the other gospels and scriptures, then my own system of values would be thrown into confusion, and I should feel completely bewildered. The Gita is not simply a sermon, but a philosophical treatise. **(source: Living Wisdom: Vedanta in the West - Pravrajika Vrajaprana (Editor) Essay on Gita and the War - By Christopher Isherwood 93-99). === ''A Single Man'' (1964) === *“’Let's face it, minorities are people who probably look and act and think differently from us and have faults we don't have. We may dislike the way they look and act, and we may hate their faults. And it’s ''better'' if we admit to disliking and hating them, than if we try to smear over our feelings with pseudo-liberal sentimentality. If we’re frank about our feelings, we have a safety valve; and if we have a safety-valve, we’re actually less likely to start persecuting. . . . I know that theory is unfashionable nowadays. We all keep trying to believe that, if we ignore something long enough, it’ll just vanish––<br />‘Where was I? Oh yes. . . Well, now, suppose this minority does get persecuted – never mind why – political, economic, psychological reasons – there always ''is'' a reason, no matter how wrong it is – that’s my point. And, of course, persecution itself is always wrong; I’m sure we all agree there. But, the worst of it is, we now run into another liberal heresy. ''Because'' the persecuting majority is vile, says the liberal, ''therefore'' the persecuted minority must be stainlessly pure. Can’t you see what nonsense that is? What’s to prevent the bad from being persecuted by the worse? Did all the Christian victims in the arena have to be saints?’<br />‘And I’ll tell you something else. A minority has its own kind of aggression. It absolutely dares the majority to attack it. It hates the majority — not without a cause, I grant you. It even hates the other minorities – because all minorities are in competition: each one proclaims that its sufferings are the worst and its wrongs are the blackest. And the more they all hate, and the more they're all persecuted, the nastier they become! Do you think it makes people nasty to be loved? You know it doesn’t! Then why should it make them nice to be loathed?’” **pps. 53-54 === ''Exhumations'' (1966) === <!-- Methuen & Co., Ltd, London] --> * '''[[California]] is a tragic country — like [[Palestine]], like every Promised Land.''' '''Its short [[history]] is a fever-chart of migrations''' — the land rush, the gold rush, the oil rush, the movie rush, the Okie fruit-picking rush, the wartime rush to the aircraft factories — followed, in each instance, by counter-migrations of the disappointed and unsuccessful, moving sorrowfully homeward. ** "Los Angeles", p. 159 * '''The paternalist is a sentimentalist at heart, and the sentimentalist is always potentially [[cruel]].''' ** "Los Angeles", p. 160 * To live sanely in [[Los Angeles]] (or, I suppose, in any other large American city) you have to cultivate the art of staying awake. You must learn to resist (firmly but not tensely) the unceasing hypnotic suggestions of the radio, the billboards, the movies and the newspapers; those demon voices which are forever whispering in your ear what you should desire, what you should fear, what you should wear and eat and drink and enjoy, what you should think and do and be. They have planned a life for you – from the cradle to the grave and beyond – which it would be easy, fatally easy, to accept. The least wandering of the attention, the least relaxation of your [[awareness]], and already the eyelids begin to droop, the eyes grow vacant, the body starts to move in obedience to the hypnotist’s command. Wake up, wake up – before you sign that seven-year contract, buy that house you don’t really want, marry that girl you secretly despise. Don’t reach for the whisky, that won’t help you. '''You’ve got to think, to discriminate, to exercise your own free will and judgment. And you must do this, I repeat, without tension, quite rationally and calmly. For if you give way to fury against the hypnotists, if you smash the radio and tear the newspapers to shreds, you will only rush to the other extreme and fossilize into defiant eccentricity.''' ** "Los Angeles", p. 161 * An afternoon drive from Los Angeles will take you up into the high mountains, where [[eagles]] circle above the forests and the cold blue lakes, or out over the Mojave Desert, with its weird vegetation and immense vistas. Not very far away are Death Valley, and Yosemite, and Sequoia Forest with its giant trees which were growing long before the Parthenon was built; they are the oldest living things in the world. One should visit such places often, and be conscious, in the midst of the city, of their surrounding presence. For this is the real nature of California and the secret of its fascination; this untamed, undomesticated, aloof, prehistoric landscape which relentlessly reminds the traveller of his human condition and the circumstances of his tenure upon the earth. "You are perfectly welcome," it tells him, "during your short visit. Everything is at your disposal. Only, I must warn you, if things go wrong, don't blame me. I accept no responsibility. I am not part of your neurosis. Don't cry to me for safety. '''There is no home here. There is no security in your mansions or your fortresses, your family vaults or your banks or your double beds. Understand this fact, and you will be free. Accept it, and you will be happy.'''" ** "Los Angeles" p. 162 === ''The Paris Review'' interview (1973) === :<small> Interview with W.I. Scobie in [http://www.theparisreview.org/interviews/3971/the-art-of-fiction-no-49-christopher-isherwood "Christopher Isherwood, The Art of Fiction No. 49" in ''The Paris Review''(Spring 1974)], also in ''Writers at Work: The Paris Review Interviews,'' 4th series, {{ISBN|0140045430}}, p. 226 </small> * I often feel that worse than the most fiendish [[Nazis]] were those [[Germans]] who went along with the persecution of the [[Jews]] not because they really disliked them but because ''it was the thing.'' * '''I'll bet [[Shakespeare]] compromised himself a lot; anybody who's in the entertainment industry does to some extent.''' * I'm horrified to find, as I look at these diaries of twenty-five years ago or more, that I don't remember who the people were. "Bill and Tony were constantly in and out. We went to La Jolla" — or something. I haven't the bluest idea who they were! * I feel it's so easy to condemn this country [the United States]; but '''they don't [[understand]] that this is where the [[mistakes]] are being made — and made first, so that we're going to get the answers first.''' === ''[[w: Christopher and His Kind| Christopher and His Kind]]'' (1976) === [[File:Isherwood_and_Auden_by_Carl_van_Vechten,_1939.jpg|thumb|Christopher, like many other [[writers]], was shockingly [[ignorant]] of the objective [[world]], except where it touched his own [[experience]]. When he had to hide his ignorance beneath a veneer, he simply consulted someone who could supply him with the [[information]] he [[needed]].]] :<small> Throughout this memoir, Isherwood refers to himself in the third person. ·  {{ISBN|0-8166-3863-2}}</small> [[File:Anti-dictatures2.svg|thumb|He must never again give way to embarrassment, never deny the [[rights]] of his tribe, never [[apologize]] for its existence, never think of sacrificing himself masochistically on the altar of that [[false]] [[god]] of the [[totalitarians]], the [[Greatest]] [[Good]] of the Greatest Number — whose priests are alone [[empowered]] to [[decide]] what "good" is.]] * '''The [[Nazis]] [[hated]] [[culture]] itself, because it is essentially international and therefore subversive of [[nationalism]].''' What they called Nazi culture was a local, perverted, nationalistic cult, by which a few major [[artists]] and many minor ones were honored for their Germanness, not their [[talent]]. ** Ch. 4, p. 65 * '''Christopher, like many other writers, was shockingly ignorant of the objective [[world]], except where it touched his own [[experience]].''' When he had to hide his ignorance beneath a veneer, he simply consulted someone who could supply him with the [[information]] he needed. ** Ch. 11, p. 192 * The more I think about myself, the more I’m persuaded that, as a ''person'', I really don’t exist. That is one of the reasons why I can’t believe in any orthodox religion: I cannot believe in my own soul. No, I am a chemical compound, conditioned by environment and education. My "character" is simply a repertoire of acquired tricks, my conversation a repertoire of adaptations and echoes, my "feelings" are dictated by purely physical, external stimuli. <br /> Christopher did well to call himself woolly-minded. All he has actually stated here is that he can’t believe in his own individuality as something absolute and eternal; the word "soul" is introduced, quite improperly, as a synonym for "person." ** Ch. 15, p. 306 * As the result of his talks with [[w:Gerald Heard|Gerald]] and with Gerald’s friend and teacher, the Hindu monk [[w:Swami Prabhavananda|Prabhavananda]], Christopher would find himself able to believe — as a possibility, at least — that an eternal impersonal presence (call it "the soul" if you like) exists within all creatures and is other than the mutable non-eternal "person." He would then feel that all his earlier difficulties had been merely semantic; that he could have been converted to this belief at any time in his life, if only someone had used the right words to explain it to him. Now, I doubt this. I doubt if one ever accepts a belief until one urgently needs it. <br /> But, although Christopher wasn’t yet aware that he needed such a belief, he may have been feeling the need subconsciously. This would explain his recently increased hostility toward what he thought of as "religion" — the version of Christianity he had been taught in his childhood. Perhaps he was afraid that he would be forced to accept it, at last, after nearly fifteen years of atheism. ** Ch. 15, p. 306 * '''As a [[homosexual]], he had been wavering between embarrassment and defiance.''' He became embarrassed when he felt that he was making a selfish demand for his individual rights at a time when only group action mattered. He became defiant when he made the treatment of the homosexual a [[test]] by which every political party and government must be judged. His challenge to each one of them was: "All right, we've heard your [[liberty]] [[speech]]. Does that include us or doesn't it?"<br /> The [[Soviet Union]] had passed this test with honors when it recognized the private sexual rights of the individual, in 1917. But, in 1934, [[Stalin]]'s government had withdrawn this recognition and made all homosexual acts punishable by heavy prison sentences. It had agreed with the [[Nazis]] in denouncing homosexuality as a form of [[treason]] to the state. '''The only difference was that the [[Nazis]] called it "sexual Bolshevism" and the [[Communists]] "[[Fascist]] [[perversion]]." '''<br /> Christopher — like many of his friends, homosexual and heterosexual — had done his best to minimize the Soviet [[betrayal]] of its own [[principles]]. After all, he had said to himself, anti-homosexual laws exist in most capitalist countries, including [[England]] and the [[United States]]. Yes — but if Communists claim that their system is juster than capitalism, doesn't that make their injustice to homosexuals less excusable and their [[hypocrisy]] even viler? He now realized that he must dissociate himself from the Communists, even as a fellow traveler. '''He might, in certain situations, accept them as allies but he could never regard them as comrades.''' He must never again give way to embarrassment, never deny the rights of his tribe, never [[apologize]] for its existence, '''never think of sacrificing himself masochistically on the altar of that [[false]] [[god]] of the [[totalitarians]], the [[Greatest]] [[Good]] of the Greatest Number — whose priests are alone empowered to decide what "good" is.''' ** Ch. 16, p. 334 * Suppose, Christopher now said to himself, I have a [[Nazi]] [[Army]] at my [[mercy]]. I can blow it up by pressing a button. The men in that Army are notorious for [[torturing]] and [[murdering]] civilians — all except for one of them, Heinz. Will I press the button? No — wait: Suppose I know that Heinz himself, out of [[cowardice]] or moral infection, has become as bad as they are and takes part in all their [[crimes]]? Will I press that button, even so? Christopher's answer, given without the slightest hesitation, was: Of course not.<br /> That was a purely [[emotional]] reaction. But it helped Christopher think his way through to the next proposition. Suppose that Army goes into action and has just one casualty, Heinz himself. Will I press the button now and destroy his fellow criminals? No emotional reaction this time, but a clear answer, not to be evaded: '''Once I have refused to press that button because of Heinz, I can never press it.''' Because every man in that Army could be someone's Heinz and I have no right to play favorites. Thus Christopher was forced to recognize himself as a [[pacifist]] — although by an argument which he could only admit to with the greatest reluctance. ** Ch. 16, p. 335 * '''I [[must]] [[honor]] those who [[fight]] of their own [[free]] [[will]]l, he said to himself. And I must try to imitate their [[courage]] by following my path as a [[pacifist]], wherever it takes me.''' ** Ch. 16, p. 336 == Quotes about Isherwood == * '''Christopher’s kind are [[homosexuals]], but more importantly, minorities of any sort, either tortured obscenely by the [[Nazis]] or rejected more hypocritically by social convention and snobbism.''' In his matter-of-fact treatment of his sexual preferences and affairs ("To Christopher, Berlin meant Boys," he announces at the start), Isherwood has made an important contribution to the literature of minority liberation. … Our age, like the Thirties, is given to strident political and artistic positions; while it would be wrong to condemn the more active spokesmen of minority rights, it is all the more significant that the ''tone'' (that most ineffable of all literary qualities) of Isherwood’s autobiography is neither truculent nor confessional, but the still, honest voice of a man looking back on the events of a tumultuous time. '''He shows how all minorities can be persecuted, by laws (the notorious paragraph 175 of the German penal code which made homosexual acts illegal), in social condescension (even from sympathetic parties, like Christopher’s mother), and most grotesquely, in self-hatred.''' The book’s central episode (the midpoint of the book brings us to the mid-point of the decade) deals with Isherwood’s inability to get his German boyfriend out of Germany; at the last moment, victory is snatched away when Heinz is refused entry by a British immigration official at Harwich in 1934. Christopher and [[W. H. Auden|Auden]] have gone to the pier, and after Heinz is turned back, Auden chillingly notes of the official: "As soon as I saw the bright-eyed little rat, I knew we were done for. He understood the whole situation at a glance — because he’s ''one of us''." <br />''' ''[[w: Christopher and His Kind|Christopher and His Kind]]'' is a proclamation of the rights of "us," all of us, against the demands of "the others," whether fascists, aristocrats, war-makers, or the heterosexual hegemony, to live according to our natures.''' ** Willard Spiegelman, in [http://www.dmagazine.com/publications/d-magazine/1977/march/arts-and-entertainment-keeping-up "The Liberation of Christopher Isherwood" in ''D'' magazine (March 1977)] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} *[https://web.archive.org/web/20070125084023/http://www.huntington.org/Isherwoodexhibit/Isherwoodmainpage.htm Isherwood Exhibit at the Huntington] * [http://www.theparisreview.org/interviews/3971/the-art-of-fiction-no-49-christopher-isherwood "Christopher Isherwood, The Art of Fiction No. 49" interview with W. I. Scobie, in ''The Paris Review''(Spring 1974)] *[http://www.litweb.net/biogs/isherwood_christopher.html LitWeb.net: Christopher Isherwood Biography] *[http://isherwoodfoundation.org/index.php Christopher Isherwood Foundation] * [http://research.hrc.utexas.edu:8080/hrcxtf/view?docId=ead/00061.xml&query=isherwood,%20christopher&query-join=and Christopher Isherwood Collection at the Harry Ransom Center at the University of Texas at Austin] * [https://archive.today/20130805045808/http://huxleyonhuxley.com/about/synopsis/ Huxley on Huxley.] [https://archive.today/20130125155736/http://huxleyonhuxley.com/ DVD recording]. *[http://www.upress.umn.edu/Books/I/isherwood_where.html ''Where Joy Resides'' · An Isherwood Reader] *[http://www.cabaret-berlin.com "Cabaret Berlin" · Information on Christopher Isherwood and the entertainment of the Weimar era] *{{IMDb name|410877}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Isherwood, Christopher}} [[Category:Novelists from England]] [[Category:Novelists from the United States]] [[Category:English short story writers]] [[Category:Short story writers from the United States]] [[Category:Memoirists from the United States]] [[Category:Pacifists]] [[Category:Hindus from the United States]] [[Category:LGBT people]] [[Category:1904 births]] [[Category:1986 deaths]] qq9pogrc9z1dkdhmm8k485h0bejjdeg 3158004 3158002 2022-08-25T23:31:38Z Kalki 71 /* Christopher and His Kind (1976) */ formatting wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Christopher Isherwood 3 Allan Waren.jpg|thumb|I [[must]] [[honor]] those who [[fight]] of their own [[free]] [[will]] … And I must try to imitate their [[courage]] by following my path as a [[pacifist]], wherever it takes me.]] '''[[w:Christopher Isherwood|Christopher William Bradshaw Isherwood]]''' ([[26 August]] [[1904]] – [[4 January]] [[1986]]) was a [[UK|British]]-[[USA|American]] [[writer]]. == Quotes == [[File:Christopher Isherwood 6 Allan Warren.jpg|thumb| The [[name]] which in a sense makes you nameless, less [[individual]] rather than more so: '''Bradshaw-Isherwood, C.W.''' in its place on some alphabetical list…]] [[File:Christopher Isherwood 5 Allan Warren.jpg|thumb|You’ve got to [[think]], to discriminate, to exercise your own [[free]] [[will]] and [[judgment]]. And you [[must]] do this, I repeat, without tension, quite [[rationally]] and calmly.]] [[File:Christopher Isherwood 4 Allan Warren.jpg|thumb|I'll bet [[Shakespeare]] compromised himself a lot; anybody who's in the entertainment industry does to some extent.]] * '''I am a camera with its shutter open, quite passive, recording, not thinking.''' ** "Berlin Diary" (1930) from ''Goodbye to Berlin'' (1939) * '''If I [[fear]] anything, I fear the atmosphere of the [[war]], the [[power]] which it gives to all the things I hate — the newspapers, the [[politicians]], the puritans, the scoutmasters, the middle-aged merciless spinsters.''' I fear the way I might behave, if I were exposed to this atmosphere. I shrink from the duty of opposition. I am afraid I should be reduced to a chattering enraged monkey, screaming back [[hate]] at their hate. ** Diary entry, 20 January 1940, from ''The Diaries of Christopher Isherwood, vol I: 1939 - 1960,'' edited by Katherine Bucknell, p. 84<!-- {{ISBN|0-06-11800-9 --}}> * '''Horror is always aware of its cause; terror never is. That is precisely what makes terror terrifying.''' ** ''Great English Short Stories'' (1957), selected and introduced by Isherwood, p. 267 <!-- [Laurel TM 674623] --> * It seems to me that the real clue to your sex orientation lies in your romantic feelings rather than in your sexual feelings. If you are really gay, you are able to fall in love with a man, not just enjoy having sex with him. ** As quoted in "Christopher Isherwood Interview" with Winston Leyland (1973), from ''Conversations with Christopher Isherwood,'' ed. James J. Berg and Chris Freeman (2001) {{ISBN|1-57806-408-2}}, p. 106 * At one campus where I was lecturing, I asked a [[friend]], "How many of my colleagues know I'm gay?" He answered, "All of them." I wasn't surprised. But, just the same, it was kind of spooky, because not one of them had ever given me the faintest sign that he or she knew. If I had spoken about it myself, most of them would have felt it was in bad taste. ** As quoted in "Christopher Isherwood Interview" with Winston Leyland (1973), from ''Conversations with Christopher Isherwood,'' ed. James J. Berg and Chris Freeman (2001), p. 108 * '''The images which remained in the memory are not in themselves terrible or rigorous''': they are of boot-lockers, wooden desks, lists on boards, name-tags in clothes — yes, the [[name]] pre-eminently; '''the name which in a sense makes you nameless, less individual rather than more so: Bradshaw-Isherwood, C.W. in its place on some alphabetical list; the cold daily, hourly reminder that you are not the unique, the loved, the household’s darling, but just one among many.''' I suppose that this [[loss]] of [[identity]] is really much of the [[painfulness]] which lies at the bottom of what is called Homesickness; it is not [[Home]] that one cries for but one’s home-[[self]]. ** As quoted in ''Isherwood : A Life'' (2004) by Peter Parker, pp. 40-41; this reminiscence is from the first draft of the biographical study Isherwood did of his parents (Huntington CI 1082: 81). The version published in ''Kathleen and Frank'' (1971), chapter 15, p. 285 differs slightly. * I believe the Gita to be one of the major religious documents of the world. If its teachings did not seem to me to agree with those of the other gospels and scriptures, then my own system of values would be thrown into confusion, and I should feel completely bewildered. The Gita is not simply a sermon, but a philosophical treatise. **(source: Living Wisdom: Vedanta in the West - Pravrajika Vrajaprana (Editor) Essay on Gita and the War - By Christopher Isherwood 93-99). === ''A Single Man'' (1964) === *“’Let's face it, minorities are people who probably look and act and think differently from us and have faults we don't have. We may dislike the way they look and act, and we may hate their faults. And it’s ''better'' if we admit to disliking and hating them, than if we try to smear over our feelings with pseudo-liberal sentimentality. If we’re frank about our feelings, we have a safety valve; and if we have a safety-valve, we’re actually less likely to start persecuting. . . . I know that theory is unfashionable nowadays. We all keep trying to believe that, if we ignore something long enough, it’ll just vanish––<br />‘Where was I? Oh yes. . . Well, now, suppose this minority does get persecuted – never mind why – political, economic, psychological reasons – there always ''is'' a reason, no matter how wrong it is – that’s my point. And, of course, persecution itself is always wrong; I’m sure we all agree there. But, the worst of it is, we now run into another liberal heresy. ''Because'' the persecuting majority is vile, says the liberal, ''therefore'' the persecuted minority must be stainlessly pure. Can’t you see what nonsense that is? What’s to prevent the bad from being persecuted by the worse? Did all the Christian victims in the arena have to be saints?’<br />‘And I’ll tell you something else. A minority has its own kind of aggression. It absolutely dares the majority to attack it. It hates the majority — not without a cause, I grant you. It even hates the other minorities – because all minorities are in competition: each one proclaims that its sufferings are the worst and its wrongs are the blackest. And the more they all hate, and the more they're all persecuted, the nastier they become! Do you think it makes people nasty to be loved? You know it doesn’t! Then why should it make them nice to be loathed?’” **pps. 53-54 === ''Exhumations'' (1966) === <!-- Methuen & Co., Ltd, London] --> * '''[[California]] is a tragic country — like [[Palestine]], like every Promised Land.''' '''Its short [[history]] is a fever-chart of migrations''' — the land rush, the gold rush, the oil rush, the movie rush, the Okie fruit-picking rush, the wartime rush to the aircraft factories — followed, in each instance, by counter-migrations of the disappointed and unsuccessful, moving sorrowfully homeward. ** "Los Angeles", p. 159 * '''The paternalist is a sentimentalist at heart, and the sentimentalist is always potentially [[cruel]].''' ** "Los Angeles", p. 160 * To live sanely in [[Los Angeles]] (or, I suppose, in any other large American city) you have to cultivate the art of staying awake. You must learn to resist (firmly but not tensely) the unceasing hypnotic suggestions of the radio, the billboards, the movies and the newspapers; those demon voices which are forever whispering in your ear what you should desire, what you should fear, what you should wear and eat and drink and enjoy, what you should think and do and be. They have planned a life for you – from the cradle to the grave and beyond – which it would be easy, fatally easy, to accept. The least wandering of the attention, the least relaxation of your [[awareness]], and already the eyelids begin to droop, the eyes grow vacant, the body starts to move in obedience to the hypnotist’s command. Wake up, wake up – before you sign that seven-year contract, buy that house you don’t really want, marry that girl you secretly despise. Don’t reach for the whisky, that won’t help you. '''You’ve got to think, to discriminate, to exercise your own free will and judgment. And you must do this, I repeat, without tension, quite rationally and calmly. For if you give way to fury against the hypnotists, if you smash the radio and tear the newspapers to shreds, you will only rush to the other extreme and fossilize into defiant eccentricity.''' ** "Los Angeles", p. 161 * An afternoon drive from Los Angeles will take you up into the high mountains, where [[eagles]] circle above the forests and the cold blue lakes, or out over the Mojave Desert, with its weird vegetation and immense vistas. Not very far away are Death Valley, and Yosemite, and Sequoia Forest with its giant trees which were growing long before the Parthenon was built; they are the oldest living things in the world. One should visit such places often, and be conscious, in the midst of the city, of their surrounding presence. For this is the real nature of California and the secret of its fascination; this untamed, undomesticated, aloof, prehistoric landscape which relentlessly reminds the traveller of his human condition and the circumstances of his tenure upon the earth. "You are perfectly welcome," it tells him, "during your short visit. Everything is at your disposal. Only, I must warn you, if things go wrong, don't blame me. I accept no responsibility. I am not part of your neurosis. Don't cry to me for safety. '''There is no home here. There is no security in your mansions or your fortresses, your family vaults or your banks or your double beds. Understand this fact, and you will be free. Accept it, and you will be happy.'''" ** "Los Angeles" p. 162 === ''The Paris Review'' interview (1973) === :<small> Interview with W.I. Scobie in [http://www.theparisreview.org/interviews/3971/the-art-of-fiction-no-49-christopher-isherwood "Christopher Isherwood, The Art of Fiction No. 49" in ''The Paris Review''(Spring 1974)], also in ''Writers at Work: The Paris Review Interviews,'' 4th series, {{ISBN|0140045430}}, p. 226 </small> * I often feel that worse than the most fiendish [[Nazis]] were those [[Germans]] who went along with the persecution of the [[Jews]] not because they really disliked them but because ''it was the thing.'' * '''I'll bet [[Shakespeare]] compromised himself a lot; anybody who's in the entertainment industry does to some extent.''' * I'm horrified to find, as I look at these diaries of twenty-five years ago or more, that I don't remember who the people were. "Bill and Tony were constantly in and out. We went to La Jolla" — or something. I haven't the bluest idea who they were! * I feel it's so easy to condemn this country [the United States]; but '''they don't [[understand]] that this is where the [[mistakes]] are being made — and made first, so that we're going to get the answers first.''' === ''[[w: Christopher and His Kind| Christopher and His Kind]]'' (1976) === [[File:Isherwood_and_Auden_by_Carl_van_Vechten,_1939.jpg|thumb|Christopher, like many other [[writers]], was shockingly [[ignorant]] of the objective [[world]], except where it touched his own [[experience]]. When he had to hide his ignorance beneath a veneer, he simply consulted someone who could supply him with the [[information]] he [[needed]].]] :<small> Throughout this memoir, Isherwood refers to himself in the third person. ·  {{ISBN|0-8166-3863-2}}</small> [[File:Anti-dictatures2.svg|thumb|He must never again give way to embarrassment, never deny the [[rights]] of his tribe, never [[apologize]] for its existence, never think of sacrificing himself masochistically on the altar of that [[false]] [[god]] of the [[totalitarians]], the [[Greatest]] [[Good]] of the Greatest Number — whose priests are alone [[empowered]] to [[decide]] what "good" is.]] * '''The [[Nazis]] [[hated]] [[culture]] itself, because it is essentially international and therefore subversive of [[nationalism]].''' What they called Nazi culture was a local, perverted, nationalistic cult, by which a few major [[artists]] and many minor ones were honored for their Germanness, not their [[talent]]. ** Ch. 4, p. 65 * '''Christopher, like many other writers, was shockingly ignorant of the objective [[world]], except where it touched his own [[experience]].''' When he had to hide his ignorance beneath a veneer, he simply consulted someone who could supply him with the [[information]] he needed. ** Ch. 11, p. 192 * According to Christopher’s diary: :: '''The more I think about myself, the more I’m persuaded that, as a ''[[person]]'', I really don’t exist.''' That is one of the reasons why I can’t believe in any orthodox religion: I cannot believe in my own [[soul]]. No, I am a chemical compound, conditioned by environment and education. My "character" is simply a repertoire of acquired tricks, my conversation a repertoire of adaptations and echoes, my "feelings" are dictated by purely physical, external stimuli. :'''Christopher did well to call himself woolly-minded. All he has actually stated here is that he can’t believe in his own individuality as something absolute and eternal; the word "soul" is introduced, quite improperly, as a synonym for "person." :* Ch. 15, p. 306 * As the result of his talks with [[w:Gerald Heard|Gerald]] and with Gerald’s friend and teacher, the Hindu monk [[w:Swami Prabhavananda|Prabhavananda]],''' Christopher would find himself able to believe — as a possibility, at least — that an eternal impersonal presence (call it "the soul" if you like) exists within all creatures and is other than the mutable non-eternal "person."''' He would then feel that all his earlier difficulties had been merely semantic; that he could have been converted to this belief at any time in his life, if only someone had used the right [[words]] to explain it to him. Now, I [[doubt]] this. '''I doubt if one ever [[accepts]] a [[belief]] until one urgently [[needs]] it.''' <br /> But, although Christopher wasn’t yet aware that he needed such a belief, he may have been feeling the need subconsciously. This would explain his recently increased hostility toward what he thought of as "religion" — the version of Christianity he had been taught in his childhood. Perhaps he was afraid that he would be forced to accept it, at last, after nearly fifteen years of atheism. ** Ch. 15, p. 306 * '''As a [[homosexual]], he had been wavering between embarrassment and defiance.''' He became embarrassed when he felt that he was making a selfish demand for his individual rights at a time when only group action mattered. He became defiant when he made the treatment of the homosexual a [[test]] by which every political party and government must be judged. His challenge to each one of them was: "All right, we've heard your [[liberty]] [[speech]]. Does that include us or doesn't it?"<br /> The [[Soviet Union]] had passed this test with honors when it recognized the private sexual rights of the individual, in 1917. But, in 1934, [[Stalin]]'s government had withdrawn this recognition and made all homosexual acts punishable by heavy prison sentences. It had agreed with the [[Nazis]] in denouncing homosexuality as a form of [[treason]] to the state. '''The only difference was that the [[Nazis]] called it "sexual Bolshevism" and the [[Communists]] "[[Fascist]] [[perversion]]." '''<br /> Christopher — like many of his friends, homosexual and heterosexual — had done his best to minimize the Soviet [[betrayal]] of its own [[principles]]. After all, he had said to himself, anti-homosexual laws exist in most capitalist countries, including [[England]] and the [[United States]]. Yes — but if Communists claim that their system is juster than capitalism, doesn't that make their injustice to homosexuals less excusable and their [[hypocrisy]] even viler? He now realized that he must dissociate himself from the Communists, even as a fellow traveler. '''He might, in certain situations, accept them as allies but he could never regard them as comrades.''' He must never again give way to embarrassment, never deny the rights of his tribe, never [[apologize]] for its existence, '''never think of sacrificing himself masochistically on the altar of that [[false]] [[god]] of the [[totalitarians]], the [[Greatest]] [[Good]] of the Greatest Number — whose priests are alone empowered to decide what "good" is.''' ** Ch. 16, p. 334 * Suppose, Christopher now said to himself, I have a [[Nazi]] [[Army]] at my [[mercy]]. I can blow it up by pressing a button. The men in that Army are notorious for [[torturing]] and [[murdering]] civilians — all except for one of them, Heinz. Will I press the button? No — wait: Suppose I know that Heinz himself, out of [[cowardice]] or moral infection, has become as bad as they are and takes part in all their [[crimes]]? Will I press that button, even so? Christopher's answer, given without the slightest hesitation, was: Of course not.<br /> That was a purely [[emotional]] reaction. But it helped Christopher think his way through to the next proposition. Suppose that Army goes into action and has just one casualty, Heinz himself. Will I press the button now and destroy his fellow criminals? No emotional reaction this time, but a clear answer, not to be evaded: '''Once I have refused to press that button because of Heinz, I can never press it.''' Because every man in that Army could be someone's Heinz and I have no right to play favorites. Thus Christopher was forced to recognize himself as a [[pacifist]] — although by an argument which he could only admit to with the greatest reluctance. ** Ch. 16, p. 335 * '''I [[must]] [[honor]] those who [[fight]] of their own [[free]] [[will]]l, he said to himself. And I must try to imitate their [[courage]] by following my path as a [[pacifist]], wherever it takes me.''' ** Ch. 16, p. 336 == Quotes about Isherwood == * '''Christopher’s kind are [[homosexuals]], but more importantly, minorities of any sort, either tortured obscenely by the [[Nazis]] or rejected more hypocritically by social convention and snobbism.''' In his matter-of-fact treatment of his sexual preferences and affairs ("To Christopher, Berlin meant Boys," he announces at the start), Isherwood has made an important contribution to the literature of minority liberation. … Our age, like the Thirties, is given to strident political and artistic positions; while it would be wrong to condemn the more active spokesmen of minority rights, it is all the more significant that the ''tone'' (that most ineffable of all literary qualities) of Isherwood’s autobiography is neither truculent nor confessional, but the still, honest voice of a man looking back on the events of a tumultuous time. '''He shows how all minorities can be persecuted, by laws (the notorious paragraph 175 of the German penal code which made homosexual acts illegal), in social condescension (even from sympathetic parties, like Christopher’s mother), and most grotesquely, in self-hatred.''' The book’s central episode (the midpoint of the book brings us to the mid-point of the decade) deals with Isherwood’s inability to get his German boyfriend out of Germany; at the last moment, victory is snatched away when Heinz is refused entry by a British immigration official at Harwich in 1934. Christopher and [[W. H. Auden|Auden]] have gone to the pier, and after Heinz is turned back, Auden chillingly notes of the official: "As soon as I saw the bright-eyed little rat, I knew we were done for. He understood the whole situation at a glance — because he’s ''one of us''." <br />''' ''[[w: Christopher and His Kind|Christopher and His Kind]]'' is a proclamation of the rights of "us," all of us, against the demands of "the others," whether fascists, aristocrats, war-makers, or the heterosexual hegemony, to live according to our natures.''' ** Willard Spiegelman, in [http://www.dmagazine.com/publications/d-magazine/1977/march/arts-and-entertainment-keeping-up "The Liberation of Christopher Isherwood" in ''D'' magazine (March 1977)] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} *[https://web.archive.org/web/20070125084023/http://www.huntington.org/Isherwoodexhibit/Isherwoodmainpage.htm Isherwood Exhibit at the Huntington] * [http://www.theparisreview.org/interviews/3971/the-art-of-fiction-no-49-christopher-isherwood "Christopher Isherwood, The Art of Fiction No. 49" interview with W. I. Scobie, in ''The Paris Review''(Spring 1974)] *[http://www.litweb.net/biogs/isherwood_christopher.html LitWeb.net: Christopher Isherwood Biography] *[http://isherwoodfoundation.org/index.php Christopher Isherwood Foundation] * [http://research.hrc.utexas.edu:8080/hrcxtf/view?docId=ead/00061.xml&query=isherwood,%20christopher&query-join=and Christopher Isherwood Collection at the Harry Ransom Center at the University of Texas at Austin] * [https://archive.today/20130805045808/http://huxleyonhuxley.com/about/synopsis/ Huxley on Huxley.] [https://archive.today/20130125155736/http://huxleyonhuxley.com/ DVD recording]. *[http://www.upress.umn.edu/Books/I/isherwood_where.html ''Where Joy Resides'' · An Isherwood Reader] *[http://www.cabaret-berlin.com "Cabaret Berlin" · Information on Christopher Isherwood and the entertainment of the Weimar era] *{{IMDb name|410877}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Isherwood, Christopher}} [[Category:Novelists from England]] [[Category:Novelists from the United States]] [[Category:English short story writers]] [[Category:Short story writers from the United States]] [[Category:Memoirists from the United States]] [[Category:Pacifists]] [[Category:Hindus from the United States]] [[Category:LGBT people]] [[Category:1904 births]] [[Category:1986 deaths]] o8sortqay43f22mi8wddjj1ckbxwdat 3158005 3158004 2022-08-25T23:33:54Z Kalki 71 /* Christopher and His Kind (1976) */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Christopher Isherwood 3 Allan Waren.jpg|thumb|I [[must]] [[honor]] those who [[fight]] of their own [[free]] [[will]] … And I must try to imitate their [[courage]] by following my path as a [[pacifist]], wherever it takes me.]] '''[[w:Christopher Isherwood|Christopher William Bradshaw Isherwood]]''' ([[26 August]] [[1904]] – [[4 January]] [[1986]]) was a [[UK|British]]-[[USA|American]] [[writer]]. == Quotes == [[File:Christopher Isherwood 6 Allan Warren.jpg|thumb| The [[name]] which in a sense makes you nameless, less [[individual]] rather than more so: '''Bradshaw-Isherwood, C.W.''' in its place on some alphabetical list…]] [[File:Christopher Isherwood 5 Allan Warren.jpg|thumb|You’ve got to [[think]], to discriminate, to exercise your own [[free]] [[will]] and [[judgment]]. And you [[must]] do this, I repeat, without tension, quite [[rationally]] and calmly.]] [[File:Christopher Isherwood 4 Allan Warren.jpg|thumb|I'll bet [[Shakespeare]] compromised himself a lot; anybody who's in the entertainment industry does to some extent.]] * '''I am a camera with its shutter open, quite passive, recording, not thinking.''' ** "Berlin Diary" (1930) from ''Goodbye to Berlin'' (1939) * '''If I [[fear]] anything, I fear the atmosphere of the [[war]], the [[power]] which it gives to all the things I hate — the newspapers, the [[politicians]], the puritans, the scoutmasters, the middle-aged merciless spinsters.''' I fear the way I might behave, if I were exposed to this atmosphere. I shrink from the duty of opposition. I am afraid I should be reduced to a chattering enraged monkey, screaming back [[hate]] at their hate. ** Diary entry, 20 January 1940, from ''The Diaries of Christopher Isherwood, vol I: 1939 - 1960,'' edited by Katherine Bucknell, p. 84<!-- {{ISBN|0-06-11800-9 --}}> * '''Horror is always aware of its cause; terror never is. That is precisely what makes terror terrifying.''' ** ''Great English Short Stories'' (1957), selected and introduced by Isherwood, p. 267 <!-- [Laurel TM 674623] --> * It seems to me that the real clue to your sex orientation lies in your romantic feelings rather than in your sexual feelings. If you are really gay, you are able to fall in love with a man, not just enjoy having sex with him. ** As quoted in "Christopher Isherwood Interview" with Winston Leyland (1973), from ''Conversations with Christopher Isherwood,'' ed. James J. Berg and Chris Freeman (2001) {{ISBN|1-57806-408-2}}, p. 106 * At one campus where I was lecturing, I asked a [[friend]], "How many of my colleagues know I'm gay?" He answered, "All of them." I wasn't surprised. But, just the same, it was kind of spooky, because not one of them had ever given me the faintest sign that he or she knew. If I had spoken about it myself, most of them would have felt it was in bad taste. ** As quoted in "Christopher Isherwood Interview" with Winston Leyland (1973), from ''Conversations with Christopher Isherwood,'' ed. James J. Berg and Chris Freeman (2001), p. 108 * '''The images which remained in the memory are not in themselves terrible or rigorous''': they are of boot-lockers, wooden desks, lists on boards, name-tags in clothes — yes, the [[name]] pre-eminently; '''the name which in a sense makes you nameless, less individual rather than more so: Bradshaw-Isherwood, C.W. in its place on some alphabetical list; the cold daily, hourly reminder that you are not the unique, the loved, the household’s darling, but just one among many.''' I suppose that this [[loss]] of [[identity]] is really much of the [[painfulness]] which lies at the bottom of what is called Homesickness; it is not [[Home]] that one cries for but one’s home-[[self]]. ** As quoted in ''Isherwood : A Life'' (2004) by Peter Parker, pp. 40-41; this reminiscence is from the first draft of the biographical study Isherwood did of his parents (Huntington CI 1082: 81). The version published in ''Kathleen and Frank'' (1971), chapter 15, p. 285 differs slightly. * I believe the Gita to be one of the major religious documents of the world. If its teachings did not seem to me to agree with those of the other gospels and scriptures, then my own system of values would be thrown into confusion, and I should feel completely bewildered. The Gita is not simply a sermon, but a philosophical treatise. **(source: Living Wisdom: Vedanta in the West - Pravrajika Vrajaprana (Editor) Essay on Gita and the War - By Christopher Isherwood 93-99). === ''A Single Man'' (1964) === *“’Let's face it, minorities are people who probably look and act and think differently from us and have faults we don't have. We may dislike the way they look and act, and we may hate their faults. And it’s ''better'' if we admit to disliking and hating them, than if we try to smear over our feelings with pseudo-liberal sentimentality. If we’re frank about our feelings, we have a safety valve; and if we have a safety-valve, we’re actually less likely to start persecuting. . . . I know that theory is unfashionable nowadays. We all keep trying to believe that, if we ignore something long enough, it’ll just vanish––<br />‘Where was I? Oh yes. . . Well, now, suppose this minority does get persecuted – never mind why – political, economic, psychological reasons – there always ''is'' a reason, no matter how wrong it is – that’s my point. And, of course, persecution itself is always wrong; I’m sure we all agree there. But, the worst of it is, we now run into another liberal heresy. ''Because'' the persecuting majority is vile, says the liberal, ''therefore'' the persecuted minority must be stainlessly pure. Can’t you see what nonsense that is? What’s to prevent the bad from being persecuted by the worse? Did all the Christian victims in the arena have to be saints?’<br />‘And I’ll tell you something else. A minority has its own kind of aggression. It absolutely dares the majority to attack it. It hates the majority — not without a cause, I grant you. It even hates the other minorities – because all minorities are in competition: each one proclaims that its sufferings are the worst and its wrongs are the blackest. And the more they all hate, and the more they're all persecuted, the nastier they become! Do you think it makes people nasty to be loved? You know it doesn’t! Then why should it make them nice to be loathed?’” **pps. 53-54 === ''Exhumations'' (1966) === <!-- Methuen & Co., Ltd, London] --> * '''[[California]] is a tragic country — like [[Palestine]], like every Promised Land.''' '''Its short [[history]] is a fever-chart of migrations''' — the land rush, the gold rush, the oil rush, the movie rush, the Okie fruit-picking rush, the wartime rush to the aircraft factories — followed, in each instance, by counter-migrations of the disappointed and unsuccessful, moving sorrowfully homeward. ** "Los Angeles", p. 159 * '''The paternalist is a sentimentalist at heart, and the sentimentalist is always potentially [[cruel]].''' ** "Los Angeles", p. 160 * To live sanely in [[Los Angeles]] (or, I suppose, in any other large American city) you have to cultivate the art of staying awake. You must learn to resist (firmly but not tensely) the unceasing hypnotic suggestions of the radio, the billboards, the movies and the newspapers; those demon voices which are forever whispering in your ear what you should desire, what you should fear, what you should wear and eat and drink and enjoy, what you should think and do and be. They have planned a life for you – from the cradle to the grave and beyond – which it would be easy, fatally easy, to accept. The least wandering of the attention, the least relaxation of your [[awareness]], and already the eyelids begin to droop, the eyes grow vacant, the body starts to move in obedience to the hypnotist’s command. Wake up, wake up – before you sign that seven-year contract, buy that house you don’t really want, marry that girl you secretly despise. Don’t reach for the whisky, that won’t help you. '''You’ve got to think, to discriminate, to exercise your own free will and judgment. And you must do this, I repeat, without tension, quite rationally and calmly. For if you give way to fury against the hypnotists, if you smash the radio and tear the newspapers to shreds, you will only rush to the other extreme and fossilize into defiant eccentricity.''' ** "Los Angeles", p. 161 * An afternoon drive from Los Angeles will take you up into the high mountains, where [[eagles]] circle above the forests and the cold blue lakes, or out over the Mojave Desert, with its weird vegetation and immense vistas. Not very far away are Death Valley, and Yosemite, and Sequoia Forest with its giant trees which were growing long before the Parthenon was built; they are the oldest living things in the world. One should visit such places often, and be conscious, in the midst of the city, of their surrounding presence. For this is the real nature of California and the secret of its fascination; this untamed, undomesticated, aloof, prehistoric landscape which relentlessly reminds the traveller of his human condition and the circumstances of his tenure upon the earth. "You are perfectly welcome," it tells him, "during your short visit. Everything is at your disposal. Only, I must warn you, if things go wrong, don't blame me. I accept no responsibility. I am not part of your neurosis. Don't cry to me for safety. '''There is no home here. There is no security in your mansions or your fortresses, your family vaults or your banks or your double beds. Understand this fact, and you will be free. Accept it, and you will be happy.'''" ** "Los Angeles" p. 162 === ''The Paris Review'' interview (1973) === :<small> Interview with W.I. Scobie in [http://www.theparisreview.org/interviews/3971/the-art-of-fiction-no-49-christopher-isherwood "Christopher Isherwood, The Art of Fiction No. 49" in ''The Paris Review''(Spring 1974)], also in ''Writers at Work: The Paris Review Interviews,'' 4th series, {{ISBN|0140045430}}, p. 226 </small> * I often feel that worse than the most fiendish [[Nazis]] were those [[Germans]] who went along with the persecution of the [[Jews]] not because they really disliked them but because ''it was the thing.'' * '''I'll bet [[Shakespeare]] compromised himself a lot; anybody who's in the entertainment industry does to some extent.''' * I'm horrified to find, as I look at these diaries of twenty-five years ago or more, that I don't remember who the people were. "Bill and Tony were constantly in and out. We went to La Jolla" — or something. I haven't the bluest idea who they were! * I feel it's so easy to condemn this country [the United States]; but '''they don't [[understand]] that this is where the [[mistakes]] are being made — and made first, so that we're going to get the answers first.''' === ''[[w: Christopher and His Kind| Christopher and His Kind]]'' (1976) === [[File:Isherwood_and_Auden_by_Carl_van_Vechten,_1939.jpg|thumb|Christopher, like many other [[writers]], was shockingly [[ignorant]] of the objective [[world]], except where it touched his own [[experience]]. When he had to hide his ignorance beneath a veneer, he simply consulted someone who could supply him with the [[information]] he [[needed]].]] :<small> Throughout this memoir, Isherwood refers to himself in the third person. ·  {{ISBN|0-8166-3863-2}}</small> [[File:Anti-dictatures2.svg|thumb|He must never again give way to embarrassment, never deny the [[rights]] of his tribe, never [[apologize]] for its existence, never think of sacrificing himself masochistically on the altar of that [[false]] [[god]] of the [[totalitarians]], the [[Greatest]] [[Good]] of the Greatest Number — whose priests are alone [[empowered]] to [[decide]] what "good" is.]] * '''The [[Nazis]] [[hated]] [[culture]] itself, because it is essentially international and therefore subversive of [[nationalism]].''' What they called Nazi culture was a local, perverted, nationalistic cult, by which a few major [[artists]] and many minor ones were honored for their Germanness, not their [[talent]]. ** Ch. 4, p. 65 * '''Christopher, like many other writers, was shockingly ignorant of the objective [[world]], except where it touched his own [[experience]].''' When he had to hide his ignorance beneath a veneer, he simply consulted someone who could supply him with the [[information]] he needed. ** Ch. 11, p. 192 * According to Christopher’s diary: :: '''The more I think about myself, the more I’m persuaded that, as a ''[[person]]'', I really don’t exist.''' That is one of the reasons why I can’t believe in any orthodox religion: I cannot believe in my own [[soul]]. No, I am a chemical compound, conditioned by environment and education. My "character" is simply a repertoire of acquired tricks, my conversation a repertoire of adaptations and echoes, my "feelings" are dictated by purely physical, external stimuli. :'''Christopher did well to call himself woolly-minded. All he has actually stated here is that he can’t believe in his own individuality as something absolute and eternal; the word "soul" is introduced, quite improperly, as a synonym for "person." :* Ch. 15, p. 306 * As the result of his talks with [[w:Gerald Heard|Gerald]] and with Gerald’s friend and teacher, the [[Hindu]] monk [[w:Swami Prabhavananda|Prabhavananda]],''' Christopher would find himself able to believe — as a possibility, at least — that an eternal impersonal presence (call it "the soul" if you like) exists within all creatures and is other than the mutable non-eternal "person."''' He would then feel that all his earlier difficulties had been merely [[semantic]]; that he could have been converted to this belief at any time in his life, if only someone had used the right [[words]] to explain it to him. Now, I [[doubt]] this. '''I doubt if one ever [[accepts]] a [[belief]] until one urgently [[needs]] it.''' <br /> But, although Christopher wasn’t yet aware that he needed such a belief, he may have been feeling the need subconsciously. This would explain his recently increased hostility toward what he thought of as "religion" — the version of Christianity he had been taught in his childhood. Perhaps he was afraid that he would be forced to accept it, at last, after nearly fifteen years of atheism. ** Ch. 15, p. 306 * '''As a [[homosexual]], he had been wavering between embarrassment and defiance.''' He became embarrassed when he felt that he was making a selfish demand for his individual rights at a time when only group action mattered. He became defiant when he made the treatment of the homosexual a [[test]] by which every political party and government must be judged. His challenge to each one of them was: "All right, we've heard your [[liberty]] [[speech]]. Does that include us or doesn't it?"<br /> The [[Soviet Union]] had passed this test with honors when it recognized the private sexual rights of the individual, in 1917. But, in 1934, [[Stalin]]'s government had withdrawn this recognition and made all homosexual acts punishable by heavy prison sentences. It had agreed with the [[Nazis]] in denouncing homosexuality as a form of [[treason]] to the state. '''The only difference was that the [[Nazis]] called it "sexual Bolshevism" and the [[Communists]] "[[Fascist]] [[perversion]]." '''<br /> Christopher — like many of his friends, homosexual and heterosexual — had done his best to minimize the Soviet [[betrayal]] of its own [[principles]]. After all, he had said to himself, anti-homosexual laws exist in most capitalist countries, including [[England]] and the [[United States]]. Yes — but if Communists claim that their system is juster than capitalism, doesn't that make their injustice to homosexuals less excusable and their [[hypocrisy]] even viler? He now realized that he must dissociate himself from the Communists, even as a fellow traveler. '''He might, in certain situations, accept them as allies but he could never regard them as comrades.''' He must never again give way to embarrassment, never deny the rights of his tribe, never [[apologize]] for its existence, '''never think of sacrificing himself masochistically on the altar of that [[false]] [[god]] of the [[totalitarians]], the [[Greatest]] [[Good]] of the Greatest Number — whose priests are alone empowered to decide what "good" is.''' ** Ch. 16, p. 334 * Suppose, Christopher now said to himself, I have a [[Nazi]] [[Army]] at my [[mercy]]. I can blow it up by pressing a button. The men in that Army are notorious for [[torturing]] and [[murdering]] civilians — all except for one of them, Heinz. Will I press the button? No — wait: Suppose I know that Heinz himself, out of [[cowardice]] or moral infection, has become as bad as they are and takes part in all their [[crimes]]? Will I press that button, even so? Christopher's answer, given without the slightest hesitation, was: Of course not.<br /> That was a purely [[emotional]] reaction. But it helped Christopher think his way through to the next proposition. Suppose that Army goes into action and has just one casualty, Heinz himself. Will I press the button now and destroy his fellow criminals? No emotional reaction this time, but a clear answer, not to be evaded: '''Once I have refused to press that button because of Heinz, I can never press it.''' Because every man in that Army could be someone's Heinz and I have no right to play favorites. Thus Christopher was forced to recognize himself as a [[pacifist]] — although by an argument which he could only admit to with the greatest reluctance. ** Ch. 16, p. 335 * '''I [[must]] [[honor]] those who [[fight]] of their own [[free]] [[will]]l, he said to himself. And I must try to imitate their [[courage]] by following my path as a [[pacifist]], wherever it takes me.''' ** Ch. 16, p. 336 == Quotes about Isherwood == * '''Christopher’s kind are [[homosexuals]], but more importantly, minorities of any sort, either tortured obscenely by the [[Nazis]] or rejected more hypocritically by social convention and snobbism.''' In his matter-of-fact treatment of his sexual preferences and affairs ("To Christopher, Berlin meant Boys," he announces at the start), Isherwood has made an important contribution to the literature of minority liberation. … Our age, like the Thirties, is given to strident political and artistic positions; while it would be wrong to condemn the more active spokesmen of minority rights, it is all the more significant that the ''tone'' (that most ineffable of all literary qualities) of Isherwood’s autobiography is neither truculent nor confessional, but the still, honest voice of a man looking back on the events of a tumultuous time. '''He shows how all minorities can be persecuted, by laws (the notorious paragraph 175 of the German penal code which made homosexual acts illegal), in social condescension (even from sympathetic parties, like Christopher’s mother), and most grotesquely, in self-hatred.''' The book’s central episode (the midpoint of the book brings us to the mid-point of the decade) deals with Isherwood’s inability to get his German boyfriend out of Germany; at the last moment, victory is snatched away when Heinz is refused entry by a British immigration official at Harwich in 1934. Christopher and [[W. H. Auden|Auden]] have gone to the pier, and after Heinz is turned back, Auden chillingly notes of the official: "As soon as I saw the bright-eyed little rat, I knew we were done for. He understood the whole situation at a glance — because he’s ''one of us''." <br />''' ''[[w: Christopher and His Kind|Christopher and His Kind]]'' is a proclamation of the rights of "us," all of us, against the demands of "the others," whether fascists, aristocrats, war-makers, or the heterosexual hegemony, to live according to our natures.''' ** Willard Spiegelman, in [http://www.dmagazine.com/publications/d-magazine/1977/march/arts-and-entertainment-keeping-up "The Liberation of Christopher Isherwood" in ''D'' magazine (March 1977)] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} *[https://web.archive.org/web/20070125084023/http://www.huntington.org/Isherwoodexhibit/Isherwoodmainpage.htm Isherwood Exhibit at the Huntington] * [http://www.theparisreview.org/interviews/3971/the-art-of-fiction-no-49-christopher-isherwood "Christopher Isherwood, The Art of Fiction No. 49" interview with W. I. Scobie, in ''The Paris Review''(Spring 1974)] *[http://www.litweb.net/biogs/isherwood_christopher.html LitWeb.net: Christopher Isherwood Biography] *[http://isherwoodfoundation.org/index.php Christopher Isherwood Foundation] * [http://research.hrc.utexas.edu:8080/hrcxtf/view?docId=ead/00061.xml&query=isherwood,%20christopher&query-join=and Christopher Isherwood Collection at the Harry Ransom Center at the University of Texas at Austin] * [https://archive.today/20130805045808/http://huxleyonhuxley.com/about/synopsis/ Huxley on Huxley.] [https://archive.today/20130125155736/http://huxleyonhuxley.com/ DVD recording]. *[http://www.upress.umn.edu/Books/I/isherwood_where.html ''Where Joy Resides'' · An Isherwood Reader] *[http://www.cabaret-berlin.com "Cabaret Berlin" · Information on Christopher Isherwood and the entertainment of the Weimar era] *{{IMDb name|410877}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Isherwood, Christopher}} [[Category:Novelists from England]] [[Category:Novelists from the United States]] [[Category:English short story writers]] [[Category:Short story writers from the United States]] [[Category:Memoirists from the United States]] [[Category:Pacifists]] [[Category:Hindus from the United States]] [[Category:LGBT people]] [[Category:1904 births]] [[Category:1986 deaths]] ikjukxsy9j922fki2p6dpgxa7b6kyn6 3158020 3158005 2022-08-26T00:15:59Z Kalki 71 /* Quotes */ It should be noted that throughout Isherwood's memoirs he regularly [[w:Narration#Third-person|refers to himself in the third person perspective]]. wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Christopher Isherwood 3 Allan Waren.jpg|thumb|I [[must]] [[honor]] those who [[fight]] of their own [[free]] [[will]] … And I must try to imitate their [[courage]] by following my path as a [[pacifist]], wherever it takes me.]] '''[[w:Christopher Isherwood|Christopher William Bradshaw Isherwood]]''' ([[26 August]] [[1904]] – [[4 January]] [[1986]]) was a [[UK|British]]-[[USA|American]] [[writer]]. == Quotes == :<small>It should be noted that throughout Isherwood's published memoirs he regularly [[w:Narration#Third-person|refers to himself in the third person perspective]].</small> [[File:Christopher Isherwood 6 Allan Warren.jpg|thumb| The [[name]] which in a sense makes you nameless, less [[individual]] rather than more so: '''Bradshaw-Isherwood, C.W.''' in its place on some alphabetical list…]] [[File:Christopher Isherwood 5 Allan Warren.jpg|thumb|You’ve got to [[think]], to discriminate, to exercise your own [[free]] [[will]] and [[judgment]]. And you [[must]] do this, I repeat, without tension, quite [[rationally]] and calmly.]] [[File:Christopher Isherwood 4 Allan Warren.jpg|thumb|I'll bet [[Shakespeare]] compromised himself a lot; anybody who's in the entertainment industry does to some extent.]] * '''I am a camera with its shutter open, quite passive, recording, not thinking.''' ** "Berlin Diary" (1930) from ''Goodbye to Berlin'' (1939) * '''If I [[fear]] anything, I fear the atmosphere of the [[war]], the [[power]] which it gives to all the things I hate — the newspapers, the [[politicians]], the puritans, the scoutmasters, the middle-aged merciless spinsters.''' I fear the way I might behave, if I were exposed to this atmosphere. I shrink from the duty of opposition. I am afraid I should be reduced to a chattering enraged monkey, screaming back [[hate]] at their hate. ** Diary entry, 20 January 1940, from ''The Diaries of Christopher Isherwood, vol I: 1939 - 1960,'' edited by Katherine Bucknell, p. 84<!-- {{ISBN|0-06-11800-9 --}}> * '''Horror is always aware of its cause; terror never is. That is precisely what makes terror terrifying.''' ** ''Great English Short Stories'' (1957), selected and introduced by Isherwood, p. 267 <!-- [Laurel TM 674623] --> * It seems to me that the real clue to your sex orientation lies in your romantic feelings rather than in your sexual feelings. If you are really gay, you are able to fall in love with a man, not just enjoy having sex with him. ** As quoted in "Christopher Isherwood Interview" with Winston Leyland (1973), from ''Conversations with Christopher Isherwood,'' ed. James J. Berg and Chris Freeman (2001) {{ISBN|1-57806-408-2}}, p. 106 * At one campus where I was lecturing, I asked a [[friend]], "How many of my colleagues know I'm gay?" He answered, "All of them." I wasn't surprised. But, just the same, it was kind of spooky, because not one of them had ever given me the faintest sign that he or she knew. If I had spoken about it myself, most of them would have felt it was in bad taste. ** As quoted in "Christopher Isherwood Interview" with Winston Leyland (1973), from ''Conversations with Christopher Isherwood,'' ed. James J. Berg and Chris Freeman (2001), p. 108 * '''The images which remained in the memory are not in themselves terrible or rigorous''': they are of boot-lockers, wooden desks, lists on boards, name-tags in clothes — yes, the [[name]] pre-eminently; '''the name which in a sense makes you nameless, less individual rather than more so: Bradshaw-Isherwood, C.W. in its place on some alphabetical list; the cold daily, hourly reminder that you are not the unique, the loved, the household’s darling, but just one among many.''' I suppose that this [[loss]] of [[identity]] is really much of the [[painfulness]] which lies at the bottom of what is called Homesickness; it is not [[Home]] that one cries for but one’s home-[[self]]. ** As quoted in ''Isherwood : A Life'' (2004) by Peter Parker, pp. 40-41; this reminiscence is from the first draft of the biographical study Isherwood did of his parents (Huntington CI 1082: 81). The version published in ''Kathleen and Frank'' (1971), chapter 15, p. 285 differs slightly. * I believe the Gita to be one of the major religious documents of the world. If its teachings did not seem to me to agree with those of the other gospels and scriptures, then my own system of values would be thrown into confusion, and I should feel completely bewildered. The Gita is not simply a sermon, but a philosophical treatise. **(source: Living Wisdom: Vedanta in the West - Pravrajika Vrajaprana (Editor) Essay on Gita and the War - By Christopher Isherwood 93-99). === ''A Single Man'' (1964) === *“’Let's face it, minorities are people who probably look and act and think differently from us and have faults we don't have. We may dislike the way they look and act, and we may hate their faults. And it’s ''better'' if we admit to disliking and hating them, than if we try to smear over our feelings with pseudo-liberal sentimentality. If we’re frank about our feelings, we have a safety valve; and if we have a safety-valve, we’re actually less likely to start persecuting. . . . I know that theory is unfashionable nowadays. We all keep trying to believe that, if we ignore something long enough, it’ll just vanish––<br />‘Where was I? Oh yes. . . Well, now, suppose this minority does get persecuted – never mind why – political, economic, psychological reasons – there always ''is'' a reason, no matter how wrong it is – that’s my point. And, of course, persecution itself is always wrong; I’m sure we all agree there. But, the worst of it is, we now run into another liberal heresy. ''Because'' the persecuting majority is vile, says the liberal, ''therefore'' the persecuted minority must be stainlessly pure. Can’t you see what nonsense that is? What’s to prevent the bad from being persecuted by the worse? Did all the Christian victims in the arena have to be saints?’<br />‘And I’ll tell you something else. A minority has its own kind of aggression. It absolutely dares the majority to attack it. It hates the majority — not without a cause, I grant you. It even hates the other minorities – because all minorities are in competition: each one proclaims that its sufferings are the worst and its wrongs are the blackest. And the more they all hate, and the more they're all persecuted, the nastier they become! Do you think it makes people nasty to be loved? You know it doesn’t! Then why should it make them nice to be loathed?’” **pps. 53-54 === ''Exhumations'' (1966) === <!-- Methuen & Co., Ltd, London] --> * '''[[California]] is a tragic country — like [[Palestine]], like every Promised Land.''' '''Its short [[history]] is a fever-chart of migrations''' — the land rush, the gold rush, the oil rush, the movie rush, the Okie fruit-picking rush, the wartime rush to the aircraft factories — followed, in each instance, by counter-migrations of the disappointed and unsuccessful, moving sorrowfully homeward. ** "Los Angeles", p. 159 * '''The paternalist is a sentimentalist at heart, and the sentimentalist is always potentially [[cruel]].''' ** "Los Angeles", p. 160 * To live sanely in [[Los Angeles]] (or, I suppose, in any other large American city) you have to cultivate the art of staying awake. You must learn to resist (firmly but not tensely) the unceasing hypnotic suggestions of the radio, the billboards, the movies and the newspapers; those demon voices which are forever whispering in your ear what you should desire, what you should fear, what you should wear and eat and drink and enjoy, what you should think and do and be. They have planned a life for you – from the cradle to the grave and beyond – which it would be easy, fatally easy, to accept. The least wandering of the attention, the least relaxation of your [[awareness]], and already the eyelids begin to droop, the eyes grow vacant, the body starts to move in obedience to the hypnotist’s command. Wake up, wake up – before you sign that seven-year contract, buy that house you don’t really want, marry that girl you secretly despise. Don’t reach for the whisky, that won’t help you. '''You’ve got to think, to discriminate, to exercise your own free will and judgment. And you must do this, I repeat, without tension, quite rationally and calmly. For if you give way to fury against the hypnotists, if you smash the radio and tear the newspapers to shreds, you will only rush to the other extreme and fossilize into defiant eccentricity.''' ** "Los Angeles", p. 161 * An afternoon drive from Los Angeles will take you up into the high mountains, where [[eagles]] circle above the forests and the cold blue lakes, or out over the Mojave Desert, with its weird vegetation and immense vistas. Not very far away are Death Valley, and Yosemite, and Sequoia Forest with its giant trees which were growing long before the Parthenon was built; they are the oldest living things in the world. One should visit such places often, and be conscious, in the midst of the city, of their surrounding presence. For this is the real nature of California and the secret of its fascination; this untamed, undomesticated, aloof, prehistoric landscape which relentlessly reminds the traveller of his human condition and the circumstances of his tenure upon the earth. "You are perfectly welcome," it tells him, "during your short visit. Everything is at your disposal. Only, I must warn you, if things go wrong, don't blame me. I accept no responsibility. I am not part of your neurosis. Don't cry to me for safety. '''There is no home here. There is no security in your mansions or your fortresses, your family vaults or your banks or your double beds. Understand this fact, and you will be free. Accept it, and you will be happy.'''" ** "Los Angeles" p. 162 === ''The Paris Review'' interview (1973) === :<small> Interview with W.I. Scobie in [http://www.theparisreview.org/interviews/3971/the-art-of-fiction-no-49-christopher-isherwood "Christopher Isherwood, The Art of Fiction No. 49" in ''The Paris Review''(Spring 1974)], also in ''Writers at Work: The Paris Review Interviews,'' 4th series, {{ISBN|0140045430}}, p. 226 </small> * I often feel that worse than the most fiendish [[Nazis]] were those [[Germans]] who went along with the persecution of the [[Jews]] not because they really disliked them but because ''it was the thing.'' * '''I'll bet [[Shakespeare]] compromised himself a lot; anybody who's in the entertainment industry does to some extent.''' * I'm horrified to find, as I look at these diaries of twenty-five years ago or more, that I don't remember who the people were. "Bill and Tony were constantly in and out. We went to La Jolla" — or something. I haven't the bluest idea who they were! * I feel it's so easy to condemn this country [the United States]; but '''they don't [[understand]] that this is where the [[mistakes]] are being made — and made first, so that we're going to get the answers first.''' === ''[[w: Christopher and His Kind| Christopher and His Kind]]'' (1976) === [[File:Isherwood_and_Auden_by_Carl_van_Vechten,_1939.jpg|thumb|Christopher, like many other [[writers]], was shockingly [[ignorant]] of the objective [[world]], except where it touched his own [[experience]]. When he had to hide his ignorance beneath a veneer, he simply consulted someone who could supply him with the [[information]] he [[needed]].]] :<small> Throughout this memoir, Isherwood refers to himself in the third person. ·  {{ISBN|0-8166-3863-2}}</small> [[File:Anti-dictatures2.svg|thumb|He must never again give way to embarrassment, never deny the [[rights]] of his tribe, never [[apologize]] for its existence, never think of sacrificing himself masochistically on the altar of that [[false]] [[god]] of the [[totalitarians]], the [[Greatest]] [[Good]] of the Greatest Number — whose priests are alone [[empowered]] to [[decide]] what "good" is.]] * '''The [[Nazis]] [[hated]] [[culture]] itself, because it is essentially international and therefore subversive of [[nationalism]].''' What they called Nazi culture was a local, perverted, nationalistic cult, by which a few major [[artists]] and many minor ones were honored for their Germanness, not their [[talent]]. ** Ch. 4, p. 65 * '''Christopher, like many other writers, was shockingly ignorant of the objective [[world]], except where it touched his own [[experience]].''' When he had to hide his ignorance beneath a veneer, he simply consulted someone who could supply him with the [[information]] he needed. ** Ch. 11, p. 192 * According to Christopher’s diary: :: '''The more I think about myself, the more I’m persuaded that, as a ''[[person]]'', I really don’t exist.''' That is one of the reasons why I can’t believe in any orthodox religion: I cannot believe in my own [[soul]]. No, I am a chemical compound, conditioned by environment and education. My "character" is simply a repertoire of acquired tricks, my conversation a repertoire of adaptations and echoes, my "feelings" are dictated by purely physical, external stimuli. :'''Christopher did well to call himself woolly-minded. All he has actually stated here is that he can’t believe in his own individuality as something absolute and eternal; the word "soul" is introduced, quite improperly, as a synonym for "person." :* Ch. 15, p. 306 * As the result of his talks with [[w:Gerald Heard|Gerald]] and with Gerald’s friend and teacher, the [[Hindu]] monk [[w:Swami Prabhavananda|Prabhavananda]],''' Christopher would find himself able to believe — as a possibility, at least — that an eternal impersonal presence (call it "the soul" if you like) exists within all creatures and is other than the mutable non-eternal "person."''' He would then feel that all his earlier difficulties had been merely [[semantic]]; that he could have been converted to this belief at any time in his life, if only someone had used the right [[words]] to explain it to him. Now, I [[doubt]] this. '''I doubt if one ever [[accepts]] a [[belief]] until one urgently [[needs]] it.''' <br /> But, although Christopher wasn’t yet aware that he needed such a belief, he may have been feeling the need subconsciously. This would explain his recently increased hostility toward what he thought of as "religion" — the version of Christianity he had been taught in his childhood. Perhaps he was afraid that he would be forced to accept it, at last, after nearly fifteen years of atheism. ** Ch. 15, p. 306 * '''As a [[homosexual]], he had been wavering between embarrassment and defiance.''' He became embarrassed when he felt that he was making a selfish demand for his individual rights at a time when only group action mattered. He became defiant when he made the treatment of the homosexual a [[test]] by which every political party and government must be judged. His challenge to each one of them was: "All right, we've heard your [[liberty]] [[speech]]. Does that include us or doesn't it?"<br /> The [[Soviet Union]] had passed this test with honors when it recognized the private sexual rights of the individual, in 1917. But, in 1934, [[Stalin]]'s government had withdrawn this recognition and made all homosexual acts punishable by heavy prison sentences. It had agreed with the [[Nazis]] in denouncing homosexuality as a form of [[treason]] to the state. '''The only difference was that the [[Nazis]] called it "sexual Bolshevism" and the [[Communists]] "[[Fascist]] [[perversion]]." '''<br /> Christopher — like many of his friends, homosexual and heterosexual — had done his best to minimize the Soviet [[betrayal]] of its own [[principles]]. After all, he had said to himself, anti-homosexual laws exist in most capitalist countries, including [[England]] and the [[United States]]. Yes — but if Communists claim that their system is juster than capitalism, doesn't that make their injustice to homosexuals less excusable and their [[hypocrisy]] even viler? He now realized that he must dissociate himself from the Communists, even as a fellow traveler. '''He might, in certain situations, accept them as allies but he could never regard them as comrades.''' He must never again give way to embarrassment, never deny the rights of his tribe, never [[apologize]] for its existence, '''never think of sacrificing himself masochistically on the altar of that [[false]] [[god]] of the [[totalitarians]], the [[Greatest]] [[Good]] of the Greatest Number — whose priests are alone empowered to decide what "good" is.''' ** Ch. 16, p. 334 * Suppose, Christopher now said to himself, I have a [[Nazi]] [[Army]] at my [[mercy]]. I can blow it up by pressing a button. The men in that Army are notorious for [[torturing]] and [[murdering]] civilians — all except for one of them, Heinz. Will I press the button? No — wait: Suppose I know that Heinz himself, out of [[cowardice]] or moral infection, has become as bad as they are and takes part in all their [[crimes]]? Will I press that button, even so? Christopher's answer, given without the slightest hesitation, was: Of course not.<br /> That was a purely [[emotional]] reaction. But it helped Christopher think his way through to the next proposition. Suppose that Army goes into action and has just one casualty, Heinz himself. Will I press the button now and destroy his fellow criminals? No emotional reaction this time, but a clear answer, not to be evaded: '''Once I have refused to press that button because of Heinz, I can never press it.''' Because every man in that Army could be someone's Heinz and I have no right to play favorites. Thus Christopher was forced to recognize himself as a [[pacifist]] — although by an argument which he could only admit to with the greatest reluctance. ** Ch. 16, p. 335 * '''I [[must]] [[honor]] those who [[fight]] of their own [[free]] [[will]]l, he said to himself. And I must try to imitate their [[courage]] by following my path as a [[pacifist]], wherever it takes me.''' ** Ch. 16, p. 336 == Quotes about Isherwood == * '''Christopher’s kind are [[homosexuals]], but more importantly, minorities of any sort, either tortured obscenely by the [[Nazis]] or rejected more hypocritically by social convention and snobbism.''' In his matter-of-fact treatment of his sexual preferences and affairs ("To Christopher, Berlin meant Boys," he announces at the start), Isherwood has made an important contribution to the literature of minority liberation. … Our age, like the Thirties, is given to strident political and artistic positions; while it would be wrong to condemn the more active spokesmen of minority rights, it is all the more significant that the ''tone'' (that most ineffable of all literary qualities) of Isherwood’s autobiography is neither truculent nor confessional, but the still, honest voice of a man looking back on the events of a tumultuous time. '''He shows how all minorities can be persecuted, by laws (the notorious paragraph 175 of the German penal code which made homosexual acts illegal), in social condescension (even from sympathetic parties, like Christopher’s mother), and most grotesquely, in self-hatred.''' The book’s central episode (the midpoint of the book brings us to the mid-point of the decade) deals with Isherwood’s inability to get his German boyfriend out of Germany; at the last moment, victory is snatched away when Heinz is refused entry by a British immigration official at Harwich in 1934. Christopher and [[W. H. Auden|Auden]] have gone to the pier, and after Heinz is turned back, Auden chillingly notes of the official: "As soon as I saw the bright-eyed little rat, I knew we were done for. He understood the whole situation at a glance — because he’s ''one of us''." <br />''' ''[[w: Christopher and His Kind|Christopher and His Kind]]'' is a proclamation of the rights of "us," all of us, against the demands of "the others," whether fascists, aristocrats, war-makers, or the heterosexual hegemony, to live according to our natures.''' ** Willard Spiegelman, in [http://www.dmagazine.com/publications/d-magazine/1977/march/arts-and-entertainment-keeping-up "The Liberation of Christopher Isherwood" in ''D'' magazine (March 1977)] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} *[https://web.archive.org/web/20070125084023/http://www.huntington.org/Isherwoodexhibit/Isherwoodmainpage.htm Isherwood Exhibit at the Huntington] * [http://www.theparisreview.org/interviews/3971/the-art-of-fiction-no-49-christopher-isherwood "Christopher Isherwood, The Art of Fiction No. 49" interview with W. I. Scobie, in ''The Paris Review''(Spring 1974)] *[http://www.litweb.net/biogs/isherwood_christopher.html LitWeb.net: Christopher Isherwood Biography] *[http://isherwoodfoundation.org/index.php Christopher Isherwood Foundation] * [http://research.hrc.utexas.edu:8080/hrcxtf/view?docId=ead/00061.xml&query=isherwood,%20christopher&query-join=and Christopher Isherwood Collection at the Harry Ransom Center at the University of Texas at Austin] * [https://archive.today/20130805045808/http://huxleyonhuxley.com/about/synopsis/ Huxley on Huxley.] [https://archive.today/20130125155736/http://huxleyonhuxley.com/ DVD recording]. *[http://www.upress.umn.edu/Books/I/isherwood_where.html ''Where Joy Resides'' · An Isherwood Reader] *[http://www.cabaret-berlin.com "Cabaret Berlin" · Information on Christopher Isherwood and the entertainment of the Weimar era] *{{IMDb name|410877}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Isherwood, Christopher}} [[Category:Novelists from England]] [[Category:Novelists from the United States]] [[Category:English short story writers]] [[Category:Short story writers from the United States]] [[Category:Memoirists from the United States]] [[Category:Pacifists]] [[Category:Hindus from the United States]] [[Category:LGBT people]] [[Category:1904 births]] [[Category:1986 deaths]] 4pzkzabwt9thdi19sclnrtqnih3pnsx 3158022 3158020 2022-08-26T00:19:27Z Kalki 71 /* Quotes */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Christopher Isherwood 3 Allan Waren.jpg|thumb|I [[must]] [[honor]] those who [[fight]] of their own [[free]] [[will]] … And I must try to imitate their [[courage]] by following my path as a [[pacifist]], wherever it takes me.]] '''[[w:Christopher Isherwood|Christopher William Bradshaw Isherwood]]''' ([[26 August]] [[1904]] – [[4 January]] [[1986]]) was a [[UK|British]]-[[USA|American]] [[writer]]. == Quotes == :<small>It should be noted that throughout Isherwood's published memoirs he regularly [[w:Narration#Third-person|refers to himself with a third person perspective]].</small> [[File:Christopher Isherwood 6 Allan Warren.jpg|thumb| The [[name]] which in a sense makes you nameless, less [[individual]] rather than more so: '''Bradshaw-Isherwood, C.W.''' in its place on some alphabetical list…]] [[File:Christopher Isherwood 5 Allan Warren.jpg|thumb|You’ve got to [[think]], to discriminate, to exercise your own [[free]] [[will]] and [[judgment]]. And you [[must]] do this, I repeat, without tension, quite [[rationally]] and calmly.]] [[File:Christopher Isherwood 4 Allan Warren.jpg|thumb|I'll bet [[Shakespeare]] compromised himself a lot; anybody who's in the entertainment industry does to some extent.]] * '''I am a camera with its shutter open, quite passive, recording, not thinking.''' ** "Berlin Diary" (1930) from ''Goodbye to Berlin'' (1939) * '''If I [[fear]] anything, I fear the atmosphere of the [[war]], the [[power]] which it gives to all the things I hate — the newspapers, the [[politicians]], the puritans, the scoutmasters, the middle-aged merciless spinsters.''' I fear the way I might behave, if I were exposed to this atmosphere. I shrink from the duty of opposition. I am afraid I should be reduced to a chattering enraged monkey, screaming back [[hate]] at their hate. ** Diary entry, 20 January 1940, from ''The Diaries of Christopher Isherwood, vol I: 1939 - 1960,'' edited by Katherine Bucknell, p. 84<!-- {{ISBN|0-06-11800-9 --}}> * '''Horror is always aware of its cause; terror never is. That is precisely what makes terror terrifying.''' ** ''Great English Short Stories'' (1957), selected and introduced by Isherwood, p. 267 <!-- [Laurel TM 674623] --> * It seems to me that the real clue to your sex orientation lies in your romantic feelings rather than in your sexual feelings. If you are really gay, you are able to fall in love with a man, not just enjoy having sex with him. ** As quoted in "Christopher Isherwood Interview" with Winston Leyland (1973), from ''Conversations with Christopher Isherwood,'' ed. James J. Berg and Chris Freeman (2001) {{ISBN|1-57806-408-2}}, p. 106 * At one campus where I was lecturing, I asked a [[friend]], "How many of my colleagues know I'm gay?" He answered, "All of them." I wasn't surprised. But, just the same, it was kind of spooky, because not one of them had ever given me the faintest sign that he or she knew. If I had spoken about it myself, most of them would have felt it was in bad taste. ** As quoted in "Christopher Isherwood Interview" with Winston Leyland (1973), from ''Conversations with Christopher Isherwood,'' ed. James J. Berg and Chris Freeman (2001), p. 108 * '''The images which remained in the memory are not in themselves terrible or rigorous''': they are of boot-lockers, wooden desks, lists on boards, name-tags in clothes — yes, the [[name]] pre-eminently; '''the name which in a sense makes you nameless, less individual rather than more so: Bradshaw-Isherwood, C.W. in its place on some alphabetical list; the cold daily, hourly reminder that you are not the unique, the loved, the household’s darling, but just one among many.''' I suppose that this [[loss]] of [[identity]] is really much of the [[painfulness]] which lies at the bottom of what is called Homesickness; it is not [[Home]] that one cries for but one’s home-[[self]]. ** As quoted in ''Isherwood : A Life'' (2004) by Peter Parker, pp. 40-41; this reminiscence is from the first draft of the biographical study Isherwood did of his parents (Huntington CI 1082: 81). The version published in ''Kathleen and Frank'' (1971), chapter 15, p. 285 differs slightly. * I believe the Gita to be one of the major religious documents of the world. If its teachings did not seem to me to agree with those of the other gospels and scriptures, then my own system of values would be thrown into confusion, and I should feel completely bewildered. The Gita is not simply a sermon, but a philosophical treatise. **(source: Living Wisdom: Vedanta in the West - Pravrajika Vrajaprana (Editor) Essay on Gita and the War - By Christopher Isherwood 93-99). === ''A Single Man'' (1964) === *“’Let's face it, minorities are people who probably look and act and think differently from us and have faults we don't have. We may dislike the way they look and act, and we may hate their faults. And it’s ''better'' if we admit to disliking and hating them, than if we try to smear over our feelings with pseudo-liberal sentimentality. If we’re frank about our feelings, we have a safety valve; and if we have a safety-valve, we’re actually less likely to start persecuting. . . . I know that theory is unfashionable nowadays. We all keep trying to believe that, if we ignore something long enough, it’ll just vanish––<br />‘Where was I? Oh yes. . . Well, now, suppose this minority does get persecuted – never mind why – political, economic, psychological reasons – there always ''is'' a reason, no matter how wrong it is – that’s my point. And, of course, persecution itself is always wrong; I’m sure we all agree there. But, the worst of it is, we now run into another liberal heresy. ''Because'' the persecuting majority is vile, says the liberal, ''therefore'' the persecuted minority must be stainlessly pure. Can’t you see what nonsense that is? What’s to prevent the bad from being persecuted by the worse? Did all the Christian victims in the arena have to be saints?’<br />‘And I’ll tell you something else. A minority has its own kind of aggression. It absolutely dares the majority to attack it. It hates the majority — not without a cause, I grant you. It even hates the other minorities – because all minorities are in competition: each one proclaims that its sufferings are the worst and its wrongs are the blackest. And the more they all hate, and the more they're all persecuted, the nastier they become! Do you think it makes people nasty to be loved? You know it doesn’t! Then why should it make them nice to be loathed?’” **pps. 53-54 === ''Exhumations'' (1966) === <!-- Methuen & Co., Ltd, London] --> * '''[[California]] is a tragic country — like [[Palestine]], like every Promised Land.''' '''Its short [[history]] is a fever-chart of migrations''' — the land rush, the gold rush, the oil rush, the movie rush, the Okie fruit-picking rush, the wartime rush to the aircraft factories — followed, in each instance, by counter-migrations of the disappointed and unsuccessful, moving sorrowfully homeward. ** "Los Angeles", p. 159 * '''The paternalist is a sentimentalist at heart, and the sentimentalist is always potentially [[cruel]].''' ** "Los Angeles", p. 160 * To live sanely in [[Los Angeles]] (or, I suppose, in any other large American city) you have to cultivate the art of staying awake. You must learn to resist (firmly but not tensely) the unceasing hypnotic suggestions of the radio, the billboards, the movies and the newspapers; those demon voices which are forever whispering in your ear what you should desire, what you should fear, what you should wear and eat and drink and enjoy, what you should think and do and be. They have planned a life for you – from the cradle to the grave and beyond – which it would be easy, fatally easy, to accept. The least wandering of the attention, the least relaxation of your [[awareness]], and already the eyelids begin to droop, the eyes grow vacant, the body starts to move in obedience to the hypnotist’s command. Wake up, wake up – before you sign that seven-year contract, buy that house you don’t really want, marry that girl you secretly despise. Don’t reach for the whisky, that won’t help you. '''You’ve got to think, to discriminate, to exercise your own free will and judgment. And you must do this, I repeat, without tension, quite rationally and calmly. For if you give way to fury against the hypnotists, if you smash the radio and tear the newspapers to shreds, you will only rush to the other extreme and fossilize into defiant eccentricity.''' ** "Los Angeles", p. 161 * An afternoon drive from Los Angeles will take you up into the high mountains, where [[eagles]] circle above the forests and the cold blue lakes, or out over the Mojave Desert, with its weird vegetation and immense vistas. Not very far away are Death Valley, and Yosemite, and Sequoia Forest with its giant trees which were growing long before the Parthenon was built; they are the oldest living things in the world. One should visit such places often, and be conscious, in the midst of the city, of their surrounding presence. For this is the real nature of California and the secret of its fascination; this untamed, undomesticated, aloof, prehistoric landscape which relentlessly reminds the traveller of his human condition and the circumstances of his tenure upon the earth. "You are perfectly welcome," it tells him, "during your short visit. Everything is at your disposal. Only, I must warn you, if things go wrong, don't blame me. I accept no responsibility. I am not part of your neurosis. Don't cry to me for safety. '''There is no home here. There is no security in your mansions or your fortresses, your family vaults or your banks or your double beds. Understand this fact, and you will be free. Accept it, and you will be happy.'''" ** "Los Angeles" p. 162 === ''The Paris Review'' interview (1973) === :<small> Interview with W.I. Scobie in [http://www.theparisreview.org/interviews/3971/the-art-of-fiction-no-49-christopher-isherwood "Christopher Isherwood, The Art of Fiction No. 49" in ''The Paris Review''(Spring 1974)], also in ''Writers at Work: The Paris Review Interviews,'' 4th series, {{ISBN|0140045430}}, p. 226 </small> * I often feel that worse than the most fiendish [[Nazis]] were those [[Germans]] who went along with the persecution of the [[Jews]] not because they really disliked them but because ''it was the thing.'' * '''I'll bet [[Shakespeare]] compromised himself a lot; anybody who's in the entertainment industry does to some extent.''' * I'm horrified to find, as I look at these diaries of twenty-five years ago or more, that I don't remember who the people were. "Bill and Tony were constantly in and out. We went to La Jolla" — or something. I haven't the bluest idea who they were! * I feel it's so easy to condemn this country [the United States]; but '''they don't [[understand]] that this is where the [[mistakes]] are being made — and made first, so that we're going to get the answers first.''' === ''[[w: Christopher and His Kind| Christopher and His Kind]]'' (1976) === [[File:Isherwood_and_Auden_by_Carl_van_Vechten,_1939.jpg|thumb|Christopher, like many other [[writers]], was shockingly [[ignorant]] of the objective [[world]], except where it touched his own [[experience]]. When he had to hide his ignorance beneath a veneer, he simply consulted someone who could supply him with the [[information]] he [[needed]].]] :<small> Throughout this memoir, Isherwood refers to himself in the third person. ·  {{ISBN|0-8166-3863-2}}</small> [[File:Anti-dictatures2.svg|thumb|He must never again give way to embarrassment, never deny the [[rights]] of his tribe, never [[apologize]] for its existence, never think of sacrificing himself masochistically on the altar of that [[false]] [[god]] of the [[totalitarians]], the [[Greatest]] [[Good]] of the Greatest Number — whose priests are alone [[empowered]] to [[decide]] what "good" is.]] * '''The [[Nazis]] [[hated]] [[culture]] itself, because it is essentially international and therefore subversive of [[nationalism]].''' What they called Nazi culture was a local, perverted, nationalistic cult, by which a few major [[artists]] and many minor ones were honored for their Germanness, not their [[talent]]. ** Ch. 4, p. 65 * '''Christopher, like many other writers, was shockingly ignorant of the objective [[world]], except where it touched his own [[experience]].''' When he had to hide his ignorance beneath a veneer, he simply consulted someone who could supply him with the [[information]] he needed. ** Ch. 11, p. 192 * According to Christopher’s diary: :: '''The more I think about myself, the more I’m persuaded that, as a ''[[person]]'', I really don’t exist.''' That is one of the reasons why I can’t believe in any orthodox religion: I cannot believe in my own [[soul]]. No, I am a chemical compound, conditioned by environment and education. My "character" is simply a repertoire of acquired tricks, my conversation a repertoire of adaptations and echoes, my "feelings" are dictated by purely physical, external stimuli. :'''Christopher did well to call himself woolly-minded. All he has actually stated here is that he can’t believe in his own individuality as something absolute and eternal; the word "soul" is introduced, quite improperly, as a synonym for "person." :* Ch. 15, p. 306 * As the result of his talks with [[w:Gerald Heard|Gerald]] and with Gerald’s friend and teacher, the [[Hindu]] monk [[w:Swami Prabhavananda|Prabhavananda]],''' Christopher would find himself able to believe — as a possibility, at least — that an eternal impersonal presence (call it "the soul" if you like) exists within all creatures and is other than the mutable non-eternal "person."''' He would then feel that all his earlier difficulties had been merely [[semantic]]; that he could have been converted to this belief at any time in his life, if only someone had used the right [[words]] to explain it to him. Now, I [[doubt]] this. '''I doubt if one ever [[accepts]] a [[belief]] until one urgently [[needs]] it.''' <br /> But, although Christopher wasn’t yet aware that he needed such a belief, he may have been feeling the need subconsciously. This would explain his recently increased hostility toward what he thought of as "religion" — the version of Christianity he had been taught in his childhood. Perhaps he was afraid that he would be forced to accept it, at last, after nearly fifteen years of atheism. ** Ch. 15, p. 306 * '''As a [[homosexual]], he had been wavering between embarrassment and defiance.''' He became embarrassed when he felt that he was making a selfish demand for his individual rights at a time when only group action mattered. He became defiant when he made the treatment of the homosexual a [[test]] by which every political party and government must be judged. His challenge to each one of them was: "All right, we've heard your [[liberty]] [[speech]]. Does that include us or doesn't it?"<br /> The [[Soviet Union]] had passed this test with honors when it recognized the private sexual rights of the individual, in 1917. But, in 1934, [[Stalin]]'s government had withdrawn this recognition and made all homosexual acts punishable by heavy prison sentences. It had agreed with the [[Nazis]] in denouncing homosexuality as a form of [[treason]] to the state. '''The only difference was that the [[Nazis]] called it "sexual Bolshevism" and the [[Communists]] "[[Fascist]] [[perversion]]." '''<br /> Christopher — like many of his friends, homosexual and heterosexual — had done his best to minimize the Soviet [[betrayal]] of its own [[principles]]. After all, he had said to himself, anti-homosexual laws exist in most capitalist countries, including [[England]] and the [[United States]]. Yes — but if Communists claim that their system is juster than capitalism, doesn't that make their injustice to homosexuals less excusable and their [[hypocrisy]] even viler? He now realized that he must dissociate himself from the Communists, even as a fellow traveler. '''He might, in certain situations, accept them as allies but he could never regard them as comrades.''' He must never again give way to embarrassment, never deny the rights of his tribe, never [[apologize]] for its existence, '''never think of sacrificing himself masochistically on the altar of that [[false]] [[god]] of the [[totalitarians]], the [[Greatest]] [[Good]] of the Greatest Number — whose priests are alone empowered to decide what "good" is.''' ** Ch. 16, p. 334 * Suppose, Christopher now said to himself, I have a [[Nazi]] [[Army]] at my [[mercy]]. I can blow it up by pressing a button. The men in that Army are notorious for [[torturing]] and [[murdering]] civilians — all except for one of them, Heinz. Will I press the button? No — wait: Suppose I know that Heinz himself, out of [[cowardice]] or moral infection, has become as bad as they are and takes part in all their [[crimes]]? Will I press that button, even so? Christopher's answer, given without the slightest hesitation, was: Of course not.<br /> That was a purely [[emotional]] reaction. But it helped Christopher think his way through to the next proposition. Suppose that Army goes into action and has just one casualty, Heinz himself. Will I press the button now and destroy his fellow criminals? No emotional reaction this time, but a clear answer, not to be evaded: '''Once I have refused to press that button because of Heinz, I can never press it.''' Because every man in that Army could be someone's Heinz and I have no right to play favorites. Thus Christopher was forced to recognize himself as a [[pacifist]] — although by an argument which he could only admit to with the greatest reluctance. ** Ch. 16, p. 335 * '''I [[must]] [[honor]] those who [[fight]] of their own [[free]] [[will]]l, he said to himself. And I must try to imitate their [[courage]] by following my path as a [[pacifist]], wherever it takes me.''' ** Ch. 16, p. 336 == Quotes about Isherwood == * '''Christopher’s kind are [[homosexuals]], but more importantly, minorities of any sort, either tortured obscenely by the [[Nazis]] or rejected more hypocritically by social convention and snobbism.''' In his matter-of-fact treatment of his sexual preferences and affairs ("To Christopher, Berlin meant Boys," he announces at the start), Isherwood has made an important contribution to the literature of minority liberation. … Our age, like the Thirties, is given to strident political and artistic positions; while it would be wrong to condemn the more active spokesmen of minority rights, it is all the more significant that the ''tone'' (that most ineffable of all literary qualities) of Isherwood’s autobiography is neither truculent nor confessional, but the still, honest voice of a man looking back on the events of a tumultuous time. '''He shows how all minorities can be persecuted, by laws (the notorious paragraph 175 of the German penal code which made homosexual acts illegal), in social condescension (even from sympathetic parties, like Christopher’s mother), and most grotesquely, in self-hatred.''' The book’s central episode (the midpoint of the book brings us to the mid-point of the decade) deals with Isherwood’s inability to get his German boyfriend out of Germany; at the last moment, victory is snatched away when Heinz is refused entry by a British immigration official at Harwich in 1934. Christopher and [[W. H. Auden|Auden]] have gone to the pier, and after Heinz is turned back, Auden chillingly notes of the official: "As soon as I saw the bright-eyed little rat, I knew we were done for. He understood the whole situation at a glance — because he’s ''one of us''." <br />''' ''[[w: Christopher and His Kind|Christopher and His Kind]]'' is a proclamation of the rights of "us," all of us, against the demands of "the others," whether fascists, aristocrats, war-makers, or the heterosexual hegemony, to live according to our natures.''' ** Willard Spiegelman, in [http://www.dmagazine.com/publications/d-magazine/1977/march/arts-and-entertainment-keeping-up "The Liberation of Christopher Isherwood" in ''D'' magazine (March 1977)] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} *[https://web.archive.org/web/20070125084023/http://www.huntington.org/Isherwoodexhibit/Isherwoodmainpage.htm Isherwood Exhibit at the Huntington] * [http://www.theparisreview.org/interviews/3971/the-art-of-fiction-no-49-christopher-isherwood "Christopher Isherwood, The Art of Fiction No. 49" interview with W. I. Scobie, in ''The Paris Review''(Spring 1974)] *[http://www.litweb.net/biogs/isherwood_christopher.html LitWeb.net: Christopher Isherwood Biography] *[http://isherwoodfoundation.org/index.php Christopher Isherwood Foundation] * [http://research.hrc.utexas.edu:8080/hrcxtf/view?docId=ead/00061.xml&query=isherwood,%20christopher&query-join=and Christopher Isherwood Collection at the Harry Ransom Center at the University of Texas at Austin] * [https://archive.today/20130805045808/http://huxleyonhuxley.com/about/synopsis/ Huxley on Huxley.] [https://archive.today/20130125155736/http://huxleyonhuxley.com/ DVD recording]. *[http://www.upress.umn.edu/Books/I/isherwood_where.html ''Where Joy Resides'' · An Isherwood Reader] *[http://www.cabaret-berlin.com "Cabaret Berlin" · Information on Christopher Isherwood and the entertainment of the Weimar era] *{{IMDb name|410877}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Isherwood, Christopher}} [[Category:Novelists from England]] [[Category:Novelists from the United States]] [[Category:English short story writers]] [[Category:Short story writers from the United States]] [[Category:Memoirists from the United States]] [[Category:Pacifists]] [[Category:Hindus from the United States]] [[Category:LGBT people]] [[Category:1904 births]] [[Category:1986 deaths]] cqav6o4f5pwvdl9t1b8l9m66t3spyay 0 34469 3158097 2602028 2022-08-26T08:08:00Z Dronebogus 3078761 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dave Sim2.jpg|thumb|If something knocks you five degrees out of whack, the journey of a thousand miles that begins with a single step ends up thousands of miles away from its intended destination. ]] '''{{w|Dave Sim|David Victor Sim}}''' (born [[May 17]], [[1956]], in Hamilton, [[w:Ontario|Ontario]]) is a [[Canadian]] [[comic]]-[[book]] [[writer]] and [[artist]]. Sim is best known as the creator of the 6,000-page graphic novel ''{{w|Cerebus the Aardvark}}'' (1977–2004). ==Sourced== * If something knocks you five degrees out of whack, the journey of a thousand miles that begins with a single step ends up thousands of miles away from its intended destination. [http://cerebusfangirl.com/artists/0805talk.php] * It seems to me a core element of belief in God that a choice is a choice and it eliminates all other choices. [http://cerebusfangirl.com/artists/0306talk.php] * What the feminists and their ventriloquist puppet husbands are talking about doing with Government-Funded Daycare is raising children as if they were a herd of interchangeable swine. No surprise coming from a gender which has no ethics, no scruples, no sense of right and wrong. [http://www.cerebusfangirl.com/artists/tangent1.php] * I'd rather live in the gutter embracing reality than live like a king embracing unreality. [http://groups.yahoo.com/group/cerebus/message/104999] *If you really want to do it nothing and no one is going to stop you, if you don't really want to do it, nothing and no one is going to help you. [http://groups.yahoo.com/group/cerebus/message/100634] * I'd rather take a major financial hit being honest than get rich by lying. [http://groups.yahoo.com/group/cerebus/message/105562] ===''Dave Sim's Collected Letters Volume 2'' (2007)=== *Reality is reality. It is the way things are, not the way you want them to be in your head. [http://groups.yahoo.com/group/cerebus/message/108250] *Pointing out that there's a turd lying on the carpet is not the same as shitting on the carpet.(p. 75) ===''Following Cerebus'' (2004-)=== *I take it as a given that God's knowledge of the Cerebus storyline dwarfs my own as God's knowledge of everything dwarfs my own. (#2, p. 9) *[A]n attractive lie is always going to be more popular than a hard truth. (No. 11, p. 27) *Because I say what is empirically true: nothing exists except God, I am deemed to be insane. (ibid, p. 28) ===''Collected Letters 2004''=== *In my experience women are like cats. When you don't want them you can't get rid of them and when you do want them it's like trying to pick up lint with a magnet. (p. 267) ===''Cerebus Guide to Self-Publishing'' (1997)=== * The first five years that I did ''Cerebus'' I could have made more money baby-sitting (that isn't a joke). Five years. Think about it. (p. 20) * In any creative field--''any'' creative field--you must first understand that you have no value whatsoever. Your work has no value whatsoever. You are completely worthless. Whatever potential you have is just that--potential--and when you are discussing self-publishing a comic book, you have about the same chance of success as 10 thousand others. (p. 21) * ...there is very little about self-publishing a comic book that can be taught, but everything about it can be learned. (p. 21) * Stop trying to impress some art-school teacher with a stick up his butt whose opinions you never respected from the time you entered his class until you left it 10 years ago. Draw like you. (p. 27) * Get out of your own way. (p.28) * The greatest mistake you can make is to say that your work is better than a lot of the shit that's out there. No doubt. But being better than shit is not exactly a shining credential. (p. 30) * No companies are ever going to pay you enough money to sue them successfully. (pp. 50-51) ===''Melmoth'' (1991)=== * '''Oscar''': In a society where [[dissent]]ing viewpoints are suppressed, those viewpoints are potent and dangerous... Where dissent is tolerated, it rapidly becomes quaint and is viewed as un-sophisticated; people merely amuse themselves with the expression of contrary opinion. (p. 41) ===''Church & State volume I'' (1987)=== * '''Cerebus''': The valuable lesson is that you can get what you want and still not be very happy... (p. 296) * Any<!--unspaced here (see note)-->thing done for the first time unleashes a demon. (Cover and title of ''Cerebus'' #65, August 1984, collected in ''Church & State I'', p. 7 and 273) ** Usually quoted with "Anything" unspaced (as in the title p. 7), sometimes quoted spaced (as in the art p. 273, as<!--variant requoted in full to be googlable too--> "Any<!--spaced--> <!--here-->thing done for the first time unleashes a demon.") because the [http://www.comics.org/issue/175338/ cover art] piles "Any" and "thing" (though they are joined, the leg of the "y" being also the bar of the "t"). ** Compare to a quote misattributed to [[Emily Dickinson]]: "Whenever a thing is done for the first time, it releases a little demon." (origin and date unknown, also attributed to Dave Sim<!-- https://books.google.com/books?id=q4D2Xz5N3xkC&pg=PA66 -->) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} *[http://www.cerebusfangirl.com/ Cerebus Fangirl Site] *[http://www.cerebustheaardvark.com/ Cerebus The Aardvark] {{DEFAULTSORT:Sim, Dave}} [[Category:Artists from Canada]] [[Category:Comics authors]] [[Category:Cartoonists]] [[Category:People from Ontario]] [[Category:Novelists from Canada]] [[Category:1956 births]] [[Category:Living people]] mipc8ovfguwjw9crstwarpcx1d2s3pf 3158098 3158097 2022-08-26T08:09:51Z Dronebogus 3078761 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dave Sim2.jpg|thumb|If something knocks you five degrees out of whack, the journey of a thousand miles that begins with a single step ends up thousands of miles away from its intended destination.]] [[File:Dave Sim.jpg|thumb|Any<!--unspaced here (see note)-->thing done for the first time unleashes a demon.]] '''{{w|Dave Sim|David Victor Sim}}''' (born [[May 17]], [[1956]], in Hamilton, [[w:Ontario|Ontario]]) is a [[Canadian]] [[comic]]-[[book]] [[writer]] and [[artist]]. Sim is best known as the creator of the 6,000-page graphic novel ''{{w|Cerebus the Aardvark}}'' (1977–2004). ==Sourced== * If something knocks you five degrees out of whack, the journey of a thousand miles that begins with a single step ends up thousands of miles away from its intended destination. [http://cerebusfangirl.com/artists/0805talk.php] * It seems to me a core element of belief in God that a choice is a choice and it eliminates all other choices. [http://cerebusfangirl.com/artists/0306talk.php] * What the feminists and their ventriloquist puppet husbands are talking about doing with Government-Funded Daycare is raising children as if they were a herd of interchangeable swine. No surprise coming from a gender which has no ethics, no scruples, no sense of right and wrong. [http://www.cerebusfangirl.com/artists/tangent1.php] * I'd rather live in the gutter embracing reality than live like a king embracing unreality. [http://groups.yahoo.com/group/cerebus/message/104999] *If you really want to do it nothing and no one is going to stop you, if you don't really want to do it, nothing and no one is going to help you. [http://groups.yahoo.com/group/cerebus/message/100634] * I'd rather take a major financial hit being honest than get rich by lying. [http://groups.yahoo.com/group/cerebus/message/105562] ===''Dave Sim's Collected Letters Volume 2'' (2007)=== *Reality is reality. It is the way things are, not the way you want them to be in your head. [http://groups.yahoo.com/group/cerebus/message/108250] *Pointing out that there's a turd lying on the carpet is not the same as shitting on the carpet.(p. 75) ===''Following Cerebus'' (2004-)=== *I take it as a given that God's knowledge of the Cerebus storyline dwarfs my own as God's knowledge of everything dwarfs my own. (#2, p. 9) *[A]n attractive lie is always going to be more popular than a hard truth. (No. 11, p. 27) *Because I say what is empirically true: nothing exists except God, I am deemed to be insane. (ibid, p. 28) ===''Collected Letters 2004''=== *In my experience women are like cats. When you don't want them you can't get rid of them and when you do want them it's like trying to pick up lint with a magnet. (p. 267) ===''Cerebus Guide to Self-Publishing'' (1997)=== * The first five years that I did ''Cerebus'' I could have made more money baby-sitting (that isn't a joke). Five years. Think about it. (p. 20) * In any creative field--''any'' creative field--you must first understand that you have no value whatsoever. Your work has no value whatsoever. You are completely worthless. Whatever potential you have is just that--potential--and when you are discussing self-publishing a comic book, you have about the same chance of success as 10 thousand others. (p. 21) * ...there is very little about self-publishing a comic book that can be taught, but everything about it can be learned. (p. 21) * Stop trying to impress some art-school teacher with a stick up his butt whose opinions you never respected from the time you entered his class until you left it 10 years ago. Draw like you. (p. 27) * Get out of your own way. (p.28) * The greatest mistake you can make is to say that your work is better than a lot of the shit that's out there. No doubt. But being better than shit is not exactly a shining credential. (p. 30) * No companies are ever going to pay you enough money to sue them successfully. (pp. 50-51) ===''Melmoth'' (1991)=== * '''Oscar''': In a society where [[dissent]]ing viewpoints are suppressed, those viewpoints are potent and dangerous... Where dissent is tolerated, it rapidly becomes quaint and is viewed as un-sophisticated; people merely amuse themselves with the expression of contrary opinion. (p. 41) ===''Church & State volume I'' (1987)=== * '''Cerebus''': The valuable lesson is that you can get what you want and still not be very happy... (p. 296) * Any<!--unspaced here (see note)-->thing done for the first time unleashes a demon. (Cover and title of ''Cerebus'' #65, August 1984, collected in ''Church & State I'', p. 7 and 273) ** Usually quoted with "Anything" unspaced (as in the title p. 7), sometimes quoted spaced (as in the art p. 273, as<!--variant requoted in full to be googlable too--> "Any<!--spaced--> <!--here-->thing done for the first time unleashes a demon.") because the [http://www.comics.org/issue/175338/ cover art] piles "Any" and "thing" (though they are joined, the leg of the "y" being also the bar of the "t"). ** Compare to a quote misattributed to [[Emily Dickinson]]: "Whenever a thing is done for the first time, it releases a little demon." (origin and date unknown, also attributed to Dave Sim<!-- https://books.google.com/books?id=q4D2Xz5N3xkC&pg=PA66 -->) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} *[http://www.cerebusfangirl.com/ Cerebus Fangirl Site] *[http://www.cerebustheaardvark.com/ Cerebus The Aardvark] {{DEFAULTSORT:Sim, Dave}} [[Category:Artists from Canada]] [[Category:Comics authors]] [[Category:Cartoonists]] [[Category:People from Ontario]] [[Category:Novelists from Canada]] [[Category:1956 births]] [[Category:Living people]] 6f48lud5mzgvvh8dyfmp00prypb79qd 3158099 3158098 2022-08-26T08:10:48Z Dronebogus 3078761 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dave Sim.jpg|thumb| If something knocks you five degrees out of whack, the journey of a thousand miles that begins with a single step ends up thousands of miles away from its intended destination.]] [[File:Dave Sim2.jpg|thumb|Anything done for the first time unleashes a demon.]] '''{{w|Dave Sim|David Victor Sim}}''' (born [[May 17]], [[1956]], in Hamilton, [[w:Ontario|Ontario]]) is a [[Canadian]] [[comic]]-[[book]] [[writer]] and [[artist]]. Sim is best known as the creator of the 6,000-page graphic novel ''{{w|Cerebus the Aardvark}}'' (1977–2004). ==Sourced== * If something knocks you five degrees out of whack, the journey of a thousand miles that begins with a single step ends up thousands of miles away from its intended destination. [http://cerebusfangirl.com/artists/0805talk.php] * It seems to me a core element of belief in God that a choice is a choice and it eliminates all other choices. [http://cerebusfangirl.com/artists/0306talk.php] * What the feminists and their ventriloquist puppet husbands are talking about doing with Government-Funded Daycare is raising children as if they were a herd of interchangeable swine. No surprise coming from a gender which has no ethics, no scruples, no sense of right and wrong. [http://www.cerebusfangirl.com/artists/tangent1.php] * I'd rather live in the gutter embracing reality than live like a king embracing unreality. [http://groups.yahoo.com/group/cerebus/message/104999] *If you really want to do it nothing and no one is going to stop you, if you don't really want to do it, nothing and no one is going to help you. [http://groups.yahoo.com/group/cerebus/message/100634] * I'd rather take a major financial hit being honest than get rich by lying. [http://groups.yahoo.com/group/cerebus/message/105562] ===''Dave Sim's Collected Letters Volume 2'' (2007)=== *Reality is reality. It is the way things are, not the way you want them to be in your head. [http://groups.yahoo.com/group/cerebus/message/108250] *Pointing out that there's a turd lying on the carpet is not the same as shitting on the carpet.(p. 75) ===''Following Cerebus'' (2004-)=== *I take it as a given that God's knowledge of the Cerebus storyline dwarfs my own as God's knowledge of everything dwarfs my own. (#2, p. 9) *[A]n attractive lie is always going to be more popular than a hard truth. (No. 11, p. 27) *Because I say what is empirically true: nothing exists except God, I am deemed to be insane. (ibid, p. 28) ===''Collected Letters 2004''=== *In my experience women are like cats. When you don't want them you can't get rid of them and when you do want them it's like trying to pick up lint with a magnet. (p. 267) ===''Cerebus Guide to Self-Publishing'' (1997)=== * The first five years that I did ''Cerebus'' I could have made more money baby-sitting (that isn't a joke). Five years. Think about it. (p. 20) * In any creative field--''any'' creative field--you must first understand that you have no value whatsoever. Your work has no value whatsoever. You are completely worthless. Whatever potential you have is just that--potential--and when you are discussing self-publishing a comic book, you have about the same chance of success as 10 thousand others. (p. 21) * ...there is very little about self-publishing a comic book that can be taught, but everything about it can be learned. (p. 21) * Stop trying to impress some art-school teacher with a stick up his butt whose opinions you never respected from the time you entered his class until you left it 10 years ago. Draw like you. (p. 27) * Get out of your own way. (p.28) * The greatest mistake you can make is to say that your work is better than a lot of the shit that's out there. No doubt. But being better than shit is not exactly a shining credential. (p. 30) * No companies are ever going to pay you enough money to sue them successfully. (pp. 50-51) ===''Melmoth'' (1991)=== * '''Oscar''': In a society where [[dissent]]ing viewpoints are suppressed, those viewpoints are potent and dangerous... Where dissent is tolerated, it rapidly becomes quaint and is viewed as un-sophisticated; people merely amuse themselves with the expression of contrary opinion. (p. 41) ===''Church & State volume I'' (1987)=== * '''Cerebus''': The valuable lesson is that you can get what you want and still not be very happy... (p. 296) * Any<!--unspaced here (see note)-->thing done for the first time unleashes a demon. (Cover and title of ''Cerebus'' #65, August 1984, collected in ''Church & State I'', p. 7 and 273) ** Usually quoted with "Anything" unspaced (as in the title p. 7), sometimes quoted spaced (as in the art p. 273, as<!--variant requoted in full to be googlable too--> "Any<!--spaced--> <!--here-->thing done for the first time unleashes a demon.") because the [http://www.comics.org/issue/175338/ cover art] piles "Any" and "thing" (though they are joined, the leg of the "y" being also the bar of the "t"). ** Compare to a quote misattributed to [[Emily Dickinson]]: "Whenever a thing is done for the first time, it releases a little demon." (origin and date unknown, also attributed to Dave Sim<!-- https://books.google.com/books?id=q4D2Xz5N3xkC&pg=PA66 -->) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} *[http://www.cerebusfangirl.com/ Cerebus Fangirl Site] *[http://www.cerebustheaardvark.com/ Cerebus The Aardvark] {{DEFAULTSORT:Sim, Dave}} [[Category:Artists from Canada]] [[Category:Comics authors]] [[Category:Cartoonists]] [[Category:People from Ontario]] [[Category:Novelists from Canada]] [[Category:1956 births]] [[Category:Living people]] 49gyhqnya7ofta2qqnkmpnfo4rf0obw 1 36217 3157919 2776279 2022-08-25T19:06:31Z Jmc210694 3130386 /* Inappropriate backlinking */ new section wikitext text/x-wiki {{talkheader}} ==Unsourced quotes== I am fairly new to Wikiquote. I just visited here to drop off a quote I ran into. However, to me the long section of unsourced quotes looks a little strange. If he really said them couldn't a published source be found? For all we know these are things someone made up, wishing Senator Obama had said them. I would recommend removing them. There are plenty of sourced quotes. Thanks. [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 14:49, 26 November 2007 (UTC) :Wikipedia policy says that unsourced material about a living person that could be harmful should be removed from an article, and I am guessing that Wikiquote has the same kind of policy. It seems to me that since he is running for office any of these unsourced quotes could be harmful to him since some people might disagree with them or use them in the wrong way. I hope that nobody will object if I remove them. Thanks. I will do the same with [[Hillary Clinton]]'s page if she has some. [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 22:18, 29 November 2007 (UTC) == Correction is needed... == Quote "This is the moment that will define a Generation" in section 2008 (it has an external link not named... it's numbered with 12). The explanation to the quote is wrong! Minnesota didn't hold a primary , they hold a caucaus... and even more important, he didn't give the speech after an election in Minnesota. But he gave the speech in Minnesota, the day he won the nomination... see the source given--[[Special:Contributions/85.179.197.12|85.179.197.12]] 13:29, 22 October 2008 (UTC) == i will listen to you == "i will listen to you" "debt to family beyond measure" "new energy to harness" "we as people will get there" "rise or fall as one nation" "dawn of the us leadership at hand" "union can be perfected" "change has come to america" "this is our moment" president speech! 44 president of USA "this victory belongs to you" "i will listen to you" == more from obama's speech 4 nov == "strenght comes from ideas" "challenges are grates of lifetime" "america can change" *Calm down. Undoubtedly the campaign will release a transcript of the speech, from which the poignant moments can be drawn. Cheers! [[User:BD2412|<font style="background:lightgreen">''BD2412''</font>]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 07:12, 5 November 2008 (UTC) "This is your victory" [[User:Patio|Patio]] 10:12, 5 November 2008 (UTC) == Al Smith dinner == Obama had some good lines at the Al Smith dinner. Would it be appropriate to put those on this page? Oops. Forgot to sign. [[User:DataSnake|DataSnake]] 13:23, 6 November 2008 (UTC) Why not add the quote "When your name is Barack Obama, you're always the underdog" From the Tonight Show with Jay Leno == Other Quotes == Other politicians have their "no-so-perfect" quotes listed as well. What about: "This was the moment when we began to provide care for the sick and good jobs to the jobless; this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal" [http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D912VD200&show_article=1] and "I've been to 57 states" [http://marcambinder.theatlantic.com/archives/2008/05/from_the_if_mccain_did_this_fi.php] [[User:Jmcnamera|Jmcnamera]] 20:20, 29 December 2008 (UTC) :This is a free-content encyclopedia. There's nothing to stop you from adding them. ~ [[User:Jc-S0CO|<font color="black"><b>S0CO</b></font>]]<small><sup>([[User_talk:Jc-S0CO|<font color="red">talk</font>]]|[[Special:Contributions/Jc-S0CO|<font color="blue">contribs</font>]])</sup></small> 03:31, 30 December 2008 (UTC) ::I can't add them because the page is protected. [[User:Jmcnamera|Jmcnamera]] 17:43, 30 December 2008 (UTC) :::I added the first as it had an impartial source, was high-profile, and was significant on the campaign trail. The second was a less notable "gotcha" moment which could have used a better source. ~ [[User:Jc-S0CO|<font color="black"><b>S0CO</b></font>]]<small><sup>([[User_talk:Jc-S0CO|<font color="red">talk</font>]]|[[Special:Contributions/Jc-S0CO|<font color="blue">contribs</font>]])</sup></small> 05:43, 2 January 2009 (UTC) "What is a family? Is it just a genetic chain, parents and offspring, people like me? Or is it a social construct, an economic unit, optimal for child rearing and divisions of labor? Or is it something else entirely: a store of shared memories, say? An ambit of love? A reach across the void?" is from 'Dreams From My Father' but I don't know the page citation. [[User:Fashnable1|Fashnable1]] 23:20, 13 January 2009 (UTC) == Excerpts from "The Audacity of Hope" and "Dreams of my Father" == A friendly reminder: [[Wikiquote:Limits on quotations#Books]] recommends that no more than five lines of prose be quoted for every ten pages in a copyrighted book. We need to choose excerpts sparingly to try and keep within this limit. Thanks! ~ [[User:Jc-S0CO|<font color="black"><b>S0CO</b></font>]]<small><sup>([[User_talk:Jc-S0CO|<font color="red">talk</font>]]|[[Special:Contributions/Jc-S0CO|<font color="blue">contribs</font>]])</sup></small> 23:45, 20 January 2009 (UTC) :I have sparingly quoted from both books. I initially had chosen around 60 quotes from each book and I limited that to only about 30 from each (also made sure that they didn't cross 5 lines; only 2 quotes cross 5 lines [they are 6 lines] in the entirety from both books). the excerpts that i have taken and put in from both books are very memorable and noteworthy. in fact, after examining much of the rest of the material on this page, i find that it is cluttered with non-notable quips and isn't worthy to remain on the page...things like "i'm not interested in the suburbs. the suburbs bore me." serve absolutely no memorable purpose, have close to no meaning, and they are quips that are said at any random moment by absolutely anyone and are more attributions than quotations. just because obama said them doesn't mean they should be added here. tomorrow obama can come out and say his dinner tasted good and that he likes a certain food...that DOES NOT NEED TO BE HERE. much of the material on the page needs to be heavily reduced, but the section from the books isn't among that. i have limited the excerpts to only the best and moral since your last mentioning this. So now, there are only approximately 30 or so excepts from each book and the most memorable ones indeed. the rest of the page is so cluttered with such gibberish, it's not even funny. i don't want to remove anything from the date-modified order...but i want to point out that there's way too much unimportant quips here and there that need to be removed. I won't take any action on my own, but i will point this out as a major issue of clutter, and if anyone else agrees with me here, i'd very much like them to speak out about it. i want to work to make this page well-formatted and accessible, much like most of the other pages i have worked on. - [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 20:06, 14 February 2009 (UTC) ::While I agree that there is some trivia on the page, I don't think the example you cite is a good candidate for deletion. Notably, it has been a very, very long time since the U.S. has had a president from an urban background. Whether or not this aspect of his perspective will be significant to his legacy is a question that must await the test of time. It certainly has the potential, as has already been remarked upon in the media. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] 15:33, 15 February 2009 (UTC) :::I was merely bringing that one up as an example. That shouldn't be taken as the single rubric of which quote should or shouldn't be deleted. What I can do is list every quote that I think should be removed and serves no purpose here and we can deliberate upon which should stay and which should go for each one. It's just such a mess right now it's not even funny. - [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:13, 16 February 2009 (UTC) == Special Olympics Quote. == Someone should add this Barack Obama Quote: "It was like the Special Olympics or something." On bowling a 129. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090320/ap_en_tv/obama_special_olympics_15 --[[Special:Contributions/75.65.105.90|75.65.105.90]] 23:22, 20 March 2009 (UTC) * How does this "qualify as a quote" any more than [[Karl Rove]] allegedly authoring a push-poll question stating "Would you be more or less likely to vote for Governor Richards if you knew her staff is dominated by lesbians?" You removed that from the Karl Rove article on the contention that it would not qualify as a quote even if it were sourced. [[User:BD2412|<font style="background:gold">''BD2412''</font>]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 03:24, 21 March 2009 (UTC) Surely you understand the difference between a quote and a push poll question? Barack Obama ''actually said'' the comment about the special olympics. Are you really trying to say that it is not a quote? --[[Special:Contributions/75.65.105.90|75.65.105.90]] 03:49, 21 March 2009 (UTC) I guess its ok for George W. Bush's wikiquote page to be full of gaffes and "gotcha" quotes which were picked up on microphone when he didn't know it was on, but there is not one single gaffe on Obama's wikiquote page? C'mon, add the quote about the special olympics it is well sourced and is a genuine quote. By the way I'm the anonymous user from above, created and merged with my wikipedia account. I'm not even sure why this page is locked or why a member can't edit it.--[[User:Henrybaker|Henrybaker]] 04:03, 21 March 2009 (UTC) The only reason I can tell for not including the special olympics quote is because he shouldnt have said it and he regrets saying it. If those are the criteria by which a well sourced authentic quote is to be kept from wikiquote, then there are many quotes on many pages that need to be excised. Or perhaps a better reason can be given or the quote can be added. --[[User:Henrybaker|Henrybaker]] 17:54, 21 March 2009 (UTC) So this page is protected even against registered users editing it, and no response is given to a request by a registered user to add a well sourced authentic quote. This is full of fail.--[[User:Henrybaker|Henrybaker]] 23:17, 21 March 2009 (UTC) : You'll get a better response at the [[WQ:VP|Village Pump]]. [[User:BD2412|<font style="background:gold">''BD2412''</font>]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 04:41, 22 March 2009 (UTC) How about you give a reason why that quote shouldnt be included on this page. The fact that it is not flattering to President Obama is not sufficient to exclude it. --[[User:Henrybaker|Henrybaker]] 06:43, 22 March 2009 (UTC) : If it was flattering to Obama, it still wouldn't merit inclusion in my opinion. If Obama went on the Tonight Show and recited his grocery list, some people would find things there to praise and others to criticize, but it wouldn't be quoteworthy. [[Wikiquote:Quotability]] sets forth a number of factors to be weighed in determining whether either deserves a place in this compendium. These include: #Is the quote itself particularly witty, pithy, wise, eloquent, or poignant? #Is the author of the quote ''notable''? If so, are they very notable, moderately notable, barely notable? Are they notable as a ''source of quotes'' (i.e., as a poet, pundit, or [[Yogi Berra]])? #Is the quote itself independently well known (as with proverbs and certain well-reported comments)? #Is the subject of the quote a notable subject? Is it about a broad theme of the human experience such as [[Love]], [[Justice]], or [[Loneliness]]? Or is it about a narrow or mundane topic, like [[porcupine]]s, lunch meat, or that new car smell? If the quote is about another person, is that other person highly notable? #Has the quote stood the test of time? #Is the quote verifiably sourced? : The quote at issue here fails the first, fourth, and fifth factors utterly. Certainly it is not inherently memorable if considered apart from the author. The topic is bowling, which is mundane (or, arguably, the Special Olympics, which is a narrow topic). Per the Quotability guidelines, "any quote made within the past ten years will be scrutinized under the presumption that it is not inherently quotable". If we include everything said by a notable person simply because that person is notable, then we would for example transcribe every word of Shakespeare's plays, duplicating the function of Wikisource while drowning truly poignant comments and notable observations in a sea of chaff. I note that we include Obama's heavily criticized "they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion" remark, which is far more unflattering to Obama than the bowling comment, but which is also (unlike the bowling comment) relevant to his role in society, as a policymaker explicitly addressing things such as guns and religion. [[User:BD2412|<font style="background:gold">''BD2412''</font>]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 07:16, 22 March 2009 (UTC) :: I agree with the proposition that there are many quotes on many pages that need to be excised. This particular page is receiving special attention not because of partisan favoritism, but because the subject happens to be the most watched person in the world at the moment. :: Because the quote is genuine and has been mentioned in the press, it is a suitable subject for [[Wikinews:|Wikinews]]. However, that does not make it suitable for [[Wikiquote:Wikiquote|Wikiquote's purpose]] of collecting "''sparkling gems of wisdom in a handful of well-chosen words''" that "''will exist forever as a summary of the collective insights of society, communal knowledge passed on from one generation to the next.''" I am quite confident that some of President Obama's statements will be remembered generations hence, and equally confident that this quote will not be among them. It can be added later if the test of time proves me wrong. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] 14:31, 22 March 2009 (UTC) Which broad theme of love loneliness or justice does it fall into when obama jokes about being superman? --[[User:Henrybaker|Henrybaker]] 16:02, 22 March 2009 (UTC) : I just checked back in here and noticed your latest comment, which I hadn't actually noted before making mine below, regarding this quote and another one. I can actually agree that the criteria here have become a bit strained toward exclusions lately, not only on this page but generally, but I actually don't feel a strong urge to support inclusion the Special Olympics quote. I don't feel a strong need to exclude it either, but I do feel the superman jokes were far more notable, as were some of [[John McCain|McCain]]'s remarks during the same session of comedic dinner speeches. ~ [[User:Achilles|Achilles]] [[User_talk:Achilles|†]] 19:57, 22 March 2009 (UTC) How about this guy: How does America find its way in this new, global economy? What will our place in history be? Like so much of the American story, once again, we face a choice. Once again, there are those who believe that there isn’t much we can do about this as a nation. That the best idea is to give everyone one big refund on their government—divvy it up by individual portions, in the form of tax breaks, hand it out, and encourage everyone to use their share to go buy their own health care, their own retirement plan, their own child care, their own education, and so on. In Washington, they call this the Ownership Society. But in our past there has been another term for it—Social Darwinism—every man or woman for him or herself. It’s a tempting idea, because it doesn’t require much thought or ingenuity. It allows us to say that those whose health care or tuition may rise faster than they can afford—tough luck. It allows us to say to the Maytag workers who have lost their job—life isn’t fair. It let’s us say to the child who was born into poverty—pull yourself up by your bootstraps. And it is especially tempting because each of us believes we will always be the winner in life’s lottery, that we’re the one who will be the next Donald Trump, or at least we won’t be the chump who Donald Trump says: “You’re fired!” But there is a problem. It won’t work. It ignores our history. It ignores the fact that it’s been government research and investment that made the railways possible and the internet possible. It’s been the creation of a massive middle class, through decent wages and benefits and public schools that allowed us all to prosper. Our economic dependence depended on individual initiative. It depended on a belief in the free market; but it has also depended on our sense of mutual regard for each other, the idea that everybody has a stake in the country, that we’re all in it together and everybody’s got a shot at opportunity. That’s what’s produced our unrivaled political stability. Certainly not pithy. not well known as a quote. I've read the quote 3 times, and I can't say theres one single theme of the quote. This quote has not, and will not, stand the test of time. It is not a sparkling gem of wisdom contained in a few well chosen words. It is not, in fact, a quotation. It is a speech or at least a major portion thereof. All I am saying is that the self appointed protectors of this page are applying a double standard to what can be included and what cannot be included. So if we truly want to strictly apply the standard to the quote that I suggested, lets apply to every quote on this page, and every quote on every page.--[[User:Henrybaker|Henrybaker]] 21:45, 22 March 2009 (UTC) : I agree that the lengthy passage cited above is a poor quality quote. It would be better to excerpt a couple strong, succinctly stated points, even if they are not entirely original. If I were really interested in editing this article, I would probably trim it. I only dropped in to share an opinion. : Nobody here is self-appointed. If you continue to participate you will soon be automatically promoted from newcomer status, and will be able to edit this and other semiprotected articles. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] 22:54, 22 March 2009 (UTC) :: That quote, as it happens, is 367 words, which is about 117 past our limit for quotes (250 words) absent a community consensus to allow a longer quote because of its particular significance (such as the Gettysburg Address, which is over by abut 25 words). However, with pages like [[Noam Chomsky]] out there, we obviously have higher priorities for quote trimming. [[User:BD2412|<font style="background:gold">''BD2412''</font>]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 01:36, 23 March 2009 (UTC) ::: How about we unprotect this page, and people can, y'know, edit it as they see fit. Kinda the whole point of a wiki as I recall. --[[User:Henrybaker|Henrybaker]] 01:55, 23 March 2009 (UTC) :::: Because the notability of the subject is such that, if unprotected, we would get an endless stream of [http://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Barack_Obama&diff=next&oldid=713446 this sort of vandalism]. Which is why we limit editing to trusted editors. Which you could become if you were to contribute in a diverse enough capacity to demonstrate understanding of the policies that guide our efforts to gather the most useful observations of generations. We have some 15,000 articles, and all you've done so far is make a handful of edits on a talk page lobbying for inclusion of a quote of questionable value. I mean, will anyone have any reason to quote this in 100 years? I ask you to put some time in to helping us to put together some of our entries on people and topics entirely unrelated to politics and current events. In doing that, you'll gain the perspective of what we're trying to accomplish, and earn the right to make additions to articles where mischief is of greater concern. Cheers! [[User:BD2412|<font style="background:gold">''BD2412''</font>]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 03:58, 23 March 2009 (UTC) I guess this quote is out of the question too "How long are we going to go? Are we going to just keep on going until you know, the entire Muslim world and Arab world despises us? Do we think that's really going to make us safer? I don't know a lot of thoughtful thinkers, liberal or conservative who think that that was the right approach." If the above criteria were applied to the George Bush (either), Dan Quayle, or Ronald Reagan quote pages, then none of their gaffes would be included either. Is the fact that Dan Quayle used the school's (mis-)spelling of the word potato (potatoe was written on the card he was handed from the teacher) going to be memorable 100 years from now. Fair is fair - either allow the gaffes on all pages or on none. Good, verifiable information is what I expect from the Wiki projects, not censorship based upon political bias. [[User:Eschudy|Eschudy]] (And I'm not afraid to use my real name) == 57 rather than 47 states gaffe == First I want to note that I greatly admire Obama as probably the most intelligent person to hold US Presidential office since at least [[Dwight D. Eisenhower|Eisenhower]], and in many ways capable of being perhaps the wisest and most effective administrator since long before that, as he certainly seems to me one of the ''least'' idiotic politicians and social leaders of these times, but to borrow a bit of Australian slang [[Douglas Adams]] famously used, I think the criteria that people have been applying to exclude a lot of things here lately, from quotes to entire pages, is about as palatable as a load of fetid dingo's kidneys. I especially dislike the extremely presumptuous bit of arrogance "any quote made within the past ten years will be scrutinized under the presumption that it is not inherently quotable." That could eliminate most recent politician's pages altogether. Quoting the page cited in the above section more fully one finds this bit of verbage, which I CANNOT entirely agree with, as it greatly inflates the nobility and constrains or belittles the more mundane, whimsical, and amusing reasons or objectives people have in collecting and repeating quotes: "Quotations are at once mundane and sublime. Whatever the philosophical stance of those who say them, and from whatever country, race, or religion they come; whether they be serious or whimsical; whether the authors are famous or infamous, controversial or celebrated: viewed in the right light quotations are sparkling gems of wisdom in a handful of well-chosen words." On the quote in question above "It was like the Special Olympics or something." I really don't care much whether we include it or not — I concur that it doesn't seem all that notable, but I just looked at some of the recent history and restored and corrected one that I feel definitely should be retained: * Over the last fifteen months we've traveled to every corner of the United States. I've now been in fifty...seven states... I think one left to go. One left to go — Alaska and Hawaii I was not allowed to go to, even though I really wanted to visit — but my staff would not justify it. ** A gaffe during a campaign address, where he had obviously meant to say forty-seven in reference to the 47 of the 48 contiguous US states he had visited. (9 May 2008) [http://www.barackobama.com/2008/05/09/remarks_of_senator_barack_obam_63.php Official transcript] - [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpGH02DtIws video of actual delivery] I certainly can agree the disputed quote here isn't a sparkling gem of wisdom — but neither are many of the statements of criteria for inclusion lately. Obama did make the remark, it ''was'' widely reported, and especially widely noted and repeated by his critics, and whatever weariness of the campaign process might have produced such a gaffe, it certainly does deserve to be reported here just as much as any of [[George W. Bush]]'s numerous gaffes. I definitely wish Obama well, and would like this to simply be remembered as one of the most absurd comments to ever come from him during his entire career, and clear proof that nobody is perfect or infallible, especially when working relentlessly at a grueling pace on a political campaign, but I don't expect that it is going to be forgotten any more than any of Bush's or [[Dan Quayle]]'s most famous gaffes, ''is'' humorous, and should definitely be included here. ~ [[User:Achilles|Achilles]] [[User_talk:Achilles|†]] 16:07, 22 March 2009 (UTC) : Citing examples of human foibles is just too easy, for they are ubiquitous. Finding quotes ''about'' them that are "particularly witty, pithy, wise, eloquent, or poignant" is a more sporting challenge, one that is "at once mundane and sublime." ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] 19:39, 22 March 2009 (UTC) Why not just add this yourself? [[User:Eschudy|Eschudy]] : This quote was actually retained, after the restoration of it by Achilles noted above. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 05:13, 18 October 2009 (UTC) You're right. Thank you [[User:Achilles|Achilles]] and [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User:Eschudy|Eschudy]] 21:16, 20 October 2009 (UTC) == Did someone forget the Anonymous quote == Remember, remember the 4th of November when obama the ballots won I see no reason why this election season should ever be forgotten. i believe it is how it goes, someone should take a look == Quote and source drop-off == "But while our economy may be weakened and our confidence shaken; though we are living through difficult and uncertain times, tonight I want every American to know this: We will rebuild, we will recover, and the United States of America will emerge stronger than before." -Joint Message to Congress (2.24.2009) http://www.whitehouse.gov/the_press_office/Remarks-of-President-Barack-Obama-Address-to-Joint-Session-of-Congress/ == "I'm not interested in the suburbs. The suburbs bore me" == [http://www.brellrants.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=25&p=486528#p486532 the entire AP article] [http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/2095262/posts First Black Heads Harvard Journal - 17 APRIL 1990 - AP] [[User:Jdbsa05|Jdbsa05]] 12:25, 13 May 2009 (UTC) :I wouldn't object to including that quote. However it could have been said by almost any notable person. We fans of the suburbs don't often get elected president. :-) [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 15:15, 21 July 2009 (UTC) :: Actually, this is part of a quote [[Barack Obama#1990|already listed]] in the article, and it was [[#Excerpts from "The Audacity of Hope" and "Dreams of my Father"|previously discussed]] above. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] 16:24, 21 July 2009 (UTC) == the speech is not full == there should be a lot more == UN Speech Sept 09 == <blockquote>We must remember that the greatest price of this conflict ist not paid by us. It is paid by the Israeli girl in Sderot who closes her eyes in fear that a rocker will take her life in the night. It is paid by he Palestinian boy in Gaza who has no clean water and no country to call his own. These [all] are God's children. And after all of the politics and all of the posturing, this is about the right of every humand being to live with dignity and security. This is a lesson embedded in the three great faiths that call one small slice of Earth the Holy Land.</BLOCKQUOTE> [http://un.org/ga/64/generaldebate/pdf/US_en.pdf United Nations, General Debate of the 64th Session (2009), United States of America, H.E. Mr. Barack Obama, President p. 6] The part in brackets is not in the transcript but I'm sure that's what he actually said in the speech. == Too Many Quotes? == This is not very selective. The user has just taken quotes from a book they have liked the look of. Are there any signs of people referring to the quotes used? [[Special:Contributions/92.29.177.49|92.29.177.49]] 07:42, 29 March 2011 (UTC) * With pages on quotes by people, once we get past copyright limitations, we really have no restriction on the number of quotes (see, e.g., [[Alexander Pope]], which has numerous subpages of material). [[User:BD2412|<font style="background:tan">''BD2412''</font>]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 16:10, 30 March 2011 (UTC) == Obama Quotes == A good compromise, a good piece of legislation, is like a good sentence; or a good piece of music. Everybody can recognize it. They say, 'Huh. It works. It makes sense.' Barack Obama After a century of striving, after a year of debate, after a historic vote, health care reform is no longer an unmet promise. It is the law of the land. Barack Obama Al Qaeda is still a threat. We cannot pretend somehow that because Barack Hussein Obama got elected as president, suddenly everything is going to be OK. Barack Obama America and Islam are not exclusive and need not be in competition. Instead, they overlap, and share common principles of justice and progress, tolerance and the dignity of all human beings. Barack Obama Americans... still believe in an America where anything's possible - they just don't think their leaders do. Barack Obama And I will do everything that I can as long as I am President of the United States to remind the American people that we are one nation under God, and we may call that God different names but we remain one nation. Barack Obama And so our goal on health care is, if we can get, instead of health care costs going up 6 percent a year, it's going up at the level of inflation, maybe just slightly above inflation, we've made huge progress. And by the way, that is the single most important thing we could do in terms of reducing our deficit. That's why we did it. Barack Obama And we have done more in the two and a half years that I've been in here than the previous 43 Presidents to uphold that principle, whether it's ending "don't ask, don't tell," making sure that gay and lesbian partners can visit each other in hospitals, making sure that federal benefits can be provided to same-sex couples. Barack Obama As a nuclear power - as the only nuclear power to have used a nuclear weapon - the United States has a moral responsibility to act. Barack Obama As I've said, there were patriots who supported this war, and patriots who opposed it. And all of us are united in appreciation for our servicemen and women, and our hopes for Iraqis' future. Barack Obama But do I think that our actions in anyway violate the War Powers Resolution, the answer is no. Barack Obama These sandwiches are fantastic! I like cheese. Barrack Obama : Assuming you could source it, why would someone find that interesting? ~ [[User:Robin Lionheart|Robin Lionheart]] ([[User talk:Robin Lionheart|talk]]) 15:27, 7 November 2012 (UTC) But if you - if what - the reports are true, what they're saying is, is that as a consequence of us getting 30 million additional people health care, at the margins that's going to increase our costs, we knew that. Barack Obama But what we can do, as flawed as we are, is still see God in other people, and do our best to help them find their own grace. That's what I strive to do, that's what I pray to do every day. Barack Obama Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek. Barack Obama Community colleges play an important role in helping people transition between careers by providing the retooling they need to take on a new career. Barack Obama Contrary to the claims of some of my critics and some of the editorial pages, I am an ardent believer in the free market. Barack Obama Cutting the deficit by gutting our investments in innovation and education is like lightening an overloaded airplane by removing its engine. It may make you feel like you're flying high at first, but it won't take long before you feel the impact. Barack Obama Even when folks are hitting you over the head, you can't stop marching. Even when they're turning the hoses on you, you can't stop. Barack Obama Focusing your life solely on making a buck shows a certain poverty of ambition. It asks too little of yourself. Because it's only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you realize your true potential. Barack Obama For more than four decades, the Libyan people have been ruled by a tyrant - Moammar Gaddafi. He has denied his people freedom, exploited their wealth, murdered opponents at home and abroad, and terrorized innocent people around the world - including Americans who were killed by Libyan agents. Barack Obama "I am a fierce supporter of domestic-partnership and civil-union laws. I am not a supporter of gay marriage as it has been thrown about, primarily just as a strategic issue. I think that marriage, in the minds of a lot of voters, has a religious connotation. ..." Barack Obama in Windy City Times, February 2004 [[Special:Contributions/198.175.199.185|198.175.199.185]] 10:29, 7 November 2012 (UTC)cestalthesickly@excite.com The only people that don't want to disclose the truth, are people with something to hide. - I don't know where and when exactly he said that but it's everywhere (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bhFB7-w2MY8 , https://www.google.fr/search?q=how+do+you+round+to+nearest+pound+%3F&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&gws_rd=cr&ei=2ld6V9u6HoWBU6jvv0g#q=only+people+who+dont+want+disclose+the+truth+are+those+with+something+to+hide ) and I'm looking for source info if anyone has [[Special:Contributions/82.3.187.141|82.3.187.141]] 13:03, 4 July 2016 (UTC) : See [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2010/08/21/weekly-address-president-obama-challenges-politicians-benefiting-citizen here]. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 13:18, 4 July 2016 (UTC) == "Rumor" not "rumour" == As an American, Barack Obama uses American English, in which the word is spelled "rumor." There are two instances on this page where it is spelled "rumour" incorrectly. == Medical marijuana == Here can be found quotes with good reference sources: *[http://2012election.procon.org/view.answers.election.php?questionID=1712 Should the federal government arrest people for using medical marijuana in states where medical marijuana use is legal? - 2012 Presidential Election - ProCon.org]. *[http://2012election.procon.org/view.source.election.php?sourceID=11134 Barack Obama (D) - 2012 Presidential Election - ProCon.org]. Quotes listed by a newspaper editorial board: *[http://www.gazette.com/articles/promises-117589-campaign-marijuana.html See Obama's medical marijuana campaign promises | promises, campaign, marijuana - Colorado Springs Gazette, CO]. --[[User:Timeshifter|Timeshifter]] ([[User talk:Timeshifter|talk]]) 02:35, 21 July 2012 (UTC) == Alphabetisation == The "quotes about" section features American Thinker before M. Ahmadinejad. Needs re-sorting [[Special:Contributions/83.70.170.48|83.70.170.48]] 14:35, 13 August 2012 (UTC) * Yes, you are correct. I'll fix that now. [[User:BD2412|<font style="background:#F2E6CE">''BD2412''</font>]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 17:44, 13 August 2012 (UTC) == Link to Snopes re spurious quotations? == [[w:Snopes.com|Snopes]] has a detailed analysis of an email purporting to present damning quotations from Obama. Some of the quotations in the email are taken out of context, and others have had the wording changed to make an anti-Obama point. I suggest that we add to the "External links" section a link to the Snopes piece, in this form: :[http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/coilofrage.asp "Coil of Rage"] - [[w:Snopes.com|Snopes.com]] analysis of purported Obama quotations Emails of this sort often have wide currency, and many readers might come here in search of information about "quotations" not in our article because they are phonies. [[User:Jim Lane|Jim Lane]] ([[User talk:Jim Lane|talk]]) 02:29, 23 November 2012 (UTC) :: I've added the fabricated quotes to Misattributed. ~ [[User:Robin Lionheart|Robin Lionheart]] ([[User talk:Robin Lionheart|talk]]) 10:53, 23 November 2012 (UTC) == Presidential Memorandum -- National Insider Threat Policy == ''...deter, detect, and mitigate actions by employees who may represent a threat to national security. These threats encompass potential espionage, violent acts against the Government or the Nation...'' Was posted a month before ? == SAndy Hook happened in 2013. == But thats not what the table of contents say.{{unsignedip|173.53.114.60}} :No, it happened in December 2012. (Time flies.) ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 17:00, 14 July 2013 (UTC) it actually happened 2013{{unsignedip|69.250.32.163}} == what happened to "if you like the plan you have you can keep it"? == quoted from here http://www.politifact.com/obama-like-health-care-keep/ and lots more like that: * President’s weekly address, June 6, 2009: "If you like the plan you have, you can keep it. If you like the doctor you have, you can keep your doctor, too. The only change you’ll see are falling costs as our reforms take hold." * Town hall in Green Bay, Wis., June 11, 2009: "No matter how we reform health care, I intend to keep this promise: If you like your doctor, you'll be able to keep your doctor; if you like your health care plan, you'll be able to keep your health care plan." These and similar quotes are very well known and widely cited in discussion of Obamacare, I am surprised that they are not explicitly mentioned here. [[Special:Contributions/76.119.30.87|76.119.30.87]] 20:06, 28 February 2014 (UTC) : No one has bothered to add it yet. I am not particularly interested in doing so, any more than I would be in removing it. Anyone is welcome to add it, in properly formatted and placed way. ~ <font style= "color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌[[User:Kalki|Kalki]]·[[User talk:Kalki|†]]·[[User:Kalki/index|⚓]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</font> 20:20, 28 February 2014 (UTC) :: I certainly think that the quotes are notable enough to merit inclusion. [[User:BD2412|<font style="background:#F2E6CE">''BD2412''</font>]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 21:34, 1 March 2014 (UTC) : "If you like the quote you can add it." ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 21:46, 1 March 2014 (UTC) ::I like the quote, but I can't add it since the page is protected. Can someone add the quote, it is notable. [[User:Fdr2001|Fdr2001]] ([[User talk:Fdr2001|talk]]) == President Obama’s Climate Action Plan (2014) == : <small>[http://www.scribd.com/doc/149809454/President-Obama-s-Climate-Action-Plan President Obama’s Climate Action Plan June 25 , 2014]</small> [[User:P3Y229|P3Y229]] Obama's name is in the title of the reference document and thus in my opinion it can we quoted with his name. [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Barack_Obama&oldid=prev&diff=1740867] [[User:Watti Renew|Watti Renew]] ([[User talk:Watti Renew|talk]]) 16:29, 2 June 2014 (UTC) ref. * ''While no single step can reverse the effects of climate change, we have a moral obligation to future generations to leave them a planet that is not polluted and damaged. Through steady, responsible action to cut carbon pollution, we can protect our children’s health and begin to slow the effects of climate change so that we leave behind a cleaner, more stable environmenʈ.''<bɾ> : This should be addressed in my opinion in the quotes. According to British [[Lord Stern]]: "These new plans should help the US achieve its target of reducing annual emissions of greenhouse gases by 17% by 2020, compared with 2005. This represents real leadership."''' [http://www.theguardian.com/environment/2014/jun/02/barack-obama-carbon-cuts-plan-us] [[User:Watti Renew|Watti Renew]] ([[User talk:Watti Renew|talk]]) 16:51, 2 June 2014 (UTC) : I oppose the inclusion of the above mentioned quote. While it's quoteworthy, the quote doesn't stem from Barack Obama. If one reads the introduction of the reference document clearly and fully, one recognizes that the cited quote wasn't written by Obama, but instead by someone of his stuff within the Executive Office of the President. --[[User:P3Y229|P3Y229]] ([[User talk:P3Y229|talk]]) 08:18, 3 June 2014 (UTC) :: I agree with P3Y229. The name in the title does not signify authorship. On the contrary, Mr. Obama is not in the habit of referring to himself in the third person. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 15:49, 7 June 2014 (UTC) == Islamic imagery == [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] and I have a dispute regarding Islamic images on the page. [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] had added five images accompanying quotations about Islam; see: [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Barack_Obama&type=revision&diff=2070796&oldid=2070372], [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Barack_Obama&diff=next&oldid=2070796], [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Barack_Obama&diff=next&oldid=2070798], [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Barack_Obama&diff=next&oldid=2070802] I removed four of them, considering them to be giving a disproportionate prominence to the subject of Islam; Notice that Christian and other religious imagery is not included elsewhere on the page. Also, [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]], I would like to ask what is your motivation to include these quotations? I wonder if these images have been added to highlight what you consider to be foolish statements, and that by highlighting them you seek to subtly disparage Obama. That is speculation, and I may be wrong, but you have been harshly critical of Barack Obama and John Kerry elsewhere; Could you please address my concerns? For example, what do you think of this quotation which you added an image to: ''"Islam has a proud tradition of tolerance."''? Thanks, and understand I speak in good faith. [[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 16:48, 16 January 2016 (UTC) : No, I don't think they are "foolish" statements – Obama carefully considered them. (It's not my fault if ''you'' think they are foolish.) Currently, the page has over 200 images, so 3 or even 5 images highlighting Obama's notable quotations on Islam would be 5/200*100=2.5% of images – I think ''not'' to include them is what would violate NPOV. If you personally want more Christian imagery, you can go ahead and add them yourself (''e.g.'', use the quote, "I am a Christian, and I am a devout Christian. I believe in the redemptive death and resurrection of Jesus Christ."). The images I added from the Cairo speech are of Obama at Cairo University delivering the speech – but feel free to replace the other images with more appropriate ones, if you can find them. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 17:54, 16 January 2016 (UTC) :: I still disagree, but don't want to commence an unholy edit war. Do you think we could suspend the images' inclusion until we reach a consensus from further dialogue?, adhering to the maxim ''in dubio abstine'', or "When in doubt abstain". :: I call on others to please voice their opinions. [[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 18:23, 16 January 2016 (UTC) ::: Yes, I don't plan on adding more. (But if you mean removing the ones I already added: no, unless you can show they violate some policy that the other couple hundred images don't.) ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 18:35, 16 January 2016 (UTC) == Quotability question == [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] and I are in a dispute regarding this entry (https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Barack_Obama&diff=prev&oldid=2145724) * I think it's very hard to untangle the motives of this [[w:2016 shooting of Dallas police officers|shooter]]. ** During a press conference at the NATO Summit in Poland Obama, as quoted in [http://dailycaller.com/2016/07/09/obama-says-its-very-hard-to-untangle-dallas-shooters-motives-video/ "Obama Says ‘It’s Very Hard To Untangle’ Dallas Shooter’s Motives"] by Steve Guest, ''The Daily Caller'' (9 July 2016). The Dallas Police Chief had stated the day before that "The suspect said he wanted to kill white people, especially white officers." [http://www.weeklystandard.com/obama-very-hard-to-untangle-dallas-shooters-motive/article/2003222 "Obama: 'Very Hard to Untangle' Dallas Shooter's Motive"] by Michael Warren,''The Weekly Standard'' (9 July 2016). I feel it is both insufficiently quotable (https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Quotability) and also added primarily to discredit Barack Obama. Regarding the latter accusation see [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk%3ADanielTom&type=revision&diff=2146066&oldid=2145535 here] [[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 22:04, 10 July 2016 (UTC) Also, in response to the edit revision comment: "this was quoted all over the news yesterday as well as today, both in news TV channels and newspapers; I provided links to two" [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Barack_Obama&curid=4620&diff=2146038&oldid=2146032], see: [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Recentism Wikipedia:Recentism] [[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 22:27, 10 July 2016 (UTC) : Yeah. You really need to stop trying to ''suppress'' sourced quotes that you personally believe "discredit" Obama. So, according to you, we can't quote Obama if he discredits himself by what he says? How is that a valid reason? My edit summaries (or purported motivation) are equally irrelevant. The relevant questions are: Did Obama say it? (Yes.) Was it widely quoted in multiple media outlets? (Yes.) Is it adequately sourced? (Yes.) I once again note that you only seem to remove "recent" quotes that you ''feel'' make Obama look bad. All the other recent quotes you don't have a problem with. But unfortunately for you, Wikiquote is not politically censored. Nice try, though. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 22:59, 10 July 2016 (UTC) :: The problem with many of the quotes of various people as used by the most ardent polemicists and fanatics of ANY factions is they tend to naively or cynically promote and foster various forms of naïve [[absolutism]] in regard to individuals or groups of people. ::Of course anyone can misspeak or seem to misspeak, in various ways, and many do not misspeak at all but can seem to, when very deficient presentations are provided from extensive speeches and addresses. ::I do not have time to deal extensively with this current dispute, nor the ways this may have been abbreviated from a more general and expansive statement, as I must soon be leaving, but will note that '''I usually find a very short extension of the most apparently absurd and "discrediting" statements of those made by people of generally good will and disposition reveals how obtuse, unjust or moronically stupid, have been the use of very short selections of quotes by people with intent to discredit them or diminish their apparent prestige in various ways.''' In the larger context often provided by just a brief extension, often a great deal more of the forms of character exhibit by the quoted and the quoter are revealed. ::As an [[absurdist]] familiar with MANY of the uses and misuses of language, and statements made with many forms of them, I tend to recognize the provisionality of the wisest ranges of assertions and believe that I thus can honor them properly, and also recognize the absolutist arrogance and naiveté of the most foolish ranges of assertions, and thus can forgive them and transcend them, even while passionately or dispassionately repudiating many aspects of them. ::Just prior to checking in here and noting this dispute I had written in my own notes to myself: "'''Angelic Enlightenment involves awareness and appreciation of the vital need for PROPER PROVISIONALITY of ANY and ALL typification.'''" This is something which many often ignore, neglect or are entirely oblivious to, as they are duped or seek to dupe others led on by their own narrow, shallow, and very limited perceptions, prejudices and presumptions. ::I said more as relates to such issues, in these very brief notes to myself, but that is about all I have time to present at this point, as I must be leaving VERY soon. <small>''[[Dharma|So]] [[Necessity|it]] [[Kenosis|goes]]''[[Eternity|…]]</small><big> [[Monism|⨀]][[Awareness|∴]][[Life|☥]][[Peace|☮]][[Love|♥]][[Understanding|∵]][[Om|ॐ]] [[Karma|…]]</big>''[[Blessings]]''. ~ <font style= "color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌[[User:Kalki|Kalki]]·[[User talk:Kalki|†]]·[[User:Kalki/index|⚓]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</font> 12:44, 11 July 2016 (UTC) + tweaks ::: I agree with Kalki's observation about taking quotes out of context. See the [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/07/09/remarks-president-obama-press-conference-after-nato-summit transcript of the press conference] to appreciate what the president was saying about the shooter's state of mind. I also agree with IOHANNVSVERVS about lack of quotability, insofar as this sentence by itself conveys nothing of substance. <p> I also agree with IOHANNVSVERVS about "recentism". See also [[Wikiquote:Quotability#Recentism vs. the Test of Time]]. A bunch of ardent polemicists (Kalki's phrase) jumping on this in a single 24 hour <s>news</s>opinion cycle says more about them than about anything else. I am quite confident that this remark will be completely unremarked ten years after the president has left office. <p> DanielTom's assertion that opinionated edit summaries are irrelevant is not entirely correct. They shed some light on the practice of linking to biased sources. (The sources at least had the decency to provide enough context, omitted here, to indicate the president was saying the shooter was nuts.) Some attempt to claim or insinuate that statements by the shooter somehow contradict the president's point by explaining what motivates this sort of behavior. One went so far as to offer the scurrilous opinion that the president was ''defending'' the shooting. Why on earth would anyone link to this sort of rubbish, if not for polemical purposes? <p> Of course, DanielTom is not alone in doing this sort of thing. Many of our pages on contemporary public figures are filled with similarly forgettable and cherry-picked remarks that cannot pass the test of time. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 14:50, 12 July 2016 (UTC) :::: Your concern that this quote will not pass the test of time I can at least appreciate, because I believe it to be genuine (and not a flagrant double-standard or politically motivated, unlike IOHANNVSVERVS' or Obama-loving Kalki's). However, I think you must realize and accept that what Obama goes on to say in that speech in no way contradicts his first sentence. And it was his first sentence that was quoted all over the place. I can't really see how it is in any important way taken out of context (and even if it were, links are provided for further details). You may not accept this, but it ''is'' a significant quote (part of a long ''pattern'' in Obama's public speeches, as remarked by many political analysts, whether you consider them "rubbish" or not), and I really think removing it would amount to outrageous political censorship (first time I say this – no need to strawman me). For the record, I almost always link to ''whitehouse.gov''; in this particular case, the reason I linked to articles from ''[[w:The Daily Caller|The Daily Caller]]'', ''[[w:The Weekly Standard|The Weekly Standard]]'', ''[[w:Western Journalism Center|Western Journalism]]'', ''[[w:The Washington Times|The Washington Times]]'', ''[[w:WorldNetDaily|WorldNetDaily]]'' and ''[[w:The Daily Wire|The Daily Wire]]'' (could also mention ''[[w:Townhall|Townhall]]'' and ''[[w:Breitbart News|Breitbart News]]'') was precisely to show that ''many'' publications considered that quote significant enough to be featured in the titles of their articles, and I think we should go with them, rather than with your opinion. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 18:38, 12 July 2016 (UTC) :::::: Ningauble is wrong when he claims that "this sentence by itself conveys nothing of substance". First of all, if it conveys nothing of substance, why was it quoted so widely? (I gave examples of 8 different newspapers that quoted it in their articles' ''titles'' – which, by the way, disproves its so-called "lack of quotability" too.) But I don't even need to argue that it is substantial because it was explicitly about a racist black person who had just killed 5 white cops and who said he "wanted to kill white people, especially white officers". Indeed, even if it had been something vaguer (''e.g'', "I think it's very hard to untangle the motives of ''any'' shooter"), it would ''still'' be of substance, for it would tell us (if nothing else) that the President of the United States is ''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVl3BJoEoAU&feature=youtu.be&t=1h18m23s one of these people who goes into it sure that no one really believes what they say]''. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 00:13, 13 July 2016 (UTC) ::::::: You leap to conclusions. As I said below ''"Obama does not deny, nor surely is he unaware of the racist motives of the attack and even compares it to the [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charleston_church_shooting Charleston church shooting] and the [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2015_San_Bernardino_attack 2015 San Bernardino attack]"''; the quotation in context "First of all, I think it's very hard to untangle the motives of this shooter. As we've seen in a whole range of incidents with mass shooters, they are, by definition, troubled. By definition, if you shoot people who pose no threat to you -- strangers -- you have a troubled mind." suggesting Obama is perplexed at what motivates a person to massacre others, especially when they are strangers. ::::::: As Kalki writes "I agree with the others, that the quote as it stands is rather trivial as well as misleading"; I shall remove the entry. If you disagree please dialogue further and/or find other editors who support it's inclusion before reverting again. [[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 01:54, 13 July 2016 (UTC) ::::: [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]], you claim that removing this quotation "would amount to outrageous political censorship", but it seems to me the statement is devoid of any political ideology whatsoever. To say "it's very hard to untangle the motives of this shooter" appears to be a truism. ::::: Some appear to consider the statement a denial by Barack Obama of the shooter's racist motives; as shown in the juxtaposing of the quotation with the Dallas Police Chief's statement "The suspect said he wanted to kill white people, especially white officers." This interpretation is a distortion and a good example of taking a statement out of context. Obama does not deny, nor surely is he unaware of the racist motives of the attack and even compares it to the [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charleston_church_shooting Charleston church shooting] and the [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2015_San_Bernardino_attack 2015 San Bernardino attack]. ::::: I intend to remove the quotation for unnotability (see: [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Quotability Wikiquote:Quotability] and [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Quality_and_Quantity Wikiquote:Quality and Quantity]) and [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Recentism recentism], with [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] and [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] agreeing the quotation does not belong. ::::: Also, please do not accuse me of censorship, it is not true. [[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 23:10, 12 July 2016 (UTC) :::::: Does [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] agree that the quote should be removed? ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 23:13, 12 July 2016 (UTC) ::::::: I've just reviewed the above discussion, and have no strong objection to the quote being removed. As I had indicated, my general preference in such matters is to extend such excerpts for clarification of greater context, but I am currently juggling quite a number of activities, and don’t have the time to attend to even examining the matter of this particular quote very closely right now. I agree with the others, that the quote as it stands is rather trivial as well as misleading, and don’t believe that simply removing it would be all that grievous an act at this point. Had I the time, I might try extending it, but I expect to be VERY busy attending to MANY matters and to have very little time at all to spend here until at least Friday. I rather doubt that I will spend even as much as a half hour a day active here until then. I've been attending to other things between my edits here, and expect to be turning off my browser soon, and definitely spending very little time online for most of the next several days. ~ <font style= "color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌[[User:Kalki|Kalki]]·[[User talk:Kalki|†]]·[[User:Kalki/index|⚓]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</font> 00:45, 13 July 2016 (UTC) :::::::: Re. DanielTom's remark, "what Obama goes on to say in that speech in no way contradicts his first sentence ... I can't really see how it is in any important way taken out of context"[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:Barack_Obama&diff=2146632] (Please refer to the transcript linked above.):&nbsp; (1) The quote is from a Q&A after the speech. The only thing he said about the shooter himself in his opening speech was to call him a "demented individual". (2) The questioner, Kathleen Hennessey of AP, asked whether the motive, the reason this happened, should be understood as "domestic terrorism" or "a hate crime" or "a mentally ill man with a gun"? ''This question is the context of the quoted reply.'' (3) Someone given to glibness might have answered "all of the above", but the president responded more soberly (with a truism, in IOHANNVSVERVS's words) that this is difficult to untangle. (4) He elaborated (somewhat contradicting himself by untangling it a bit) that this can be understood as the act of someone with a troubled mind (consistent with his original remark about being demented), but that he would "leave that to psychologists and people who study these kinds of incidents". (5) The president went on to say, at considerable length, emphasizing a point from his opening remarks, that the shooter is not representative of any movement or ideology in the body politic.<p> My conclusion is that when asked to explain the incident in terms of political hot-button issues, the president declined to be baited into assigning any political significance to whatever was going on in this deranged individual's mind. That was the substance of his reply. Focusing on a prefatory statement, to the effect that is not so simple as the questioner suggested, is most definitely a case of taking an insubstantial remark out of context. <p> Re. DanielTom's remark, "many publications considered that quote significant enough to be featured in the titles of their articles"[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:Barack_Obama&diff=2146632]:&nbsp; (1) The fact that an opposition polemical echo chamber briefly reverberated with this headline indicates only that they would have preferred a different response, specifically, one that lays blame on some movement or ideology they believe is responsible. If some of them might not be satisfied with any response other than "The black lives movement is out to kill us all!", their disappointment does not make the quoted prefatory demurrer in any way a remarkable quote. (2) The attempt to sensationalize this with a headline is all about their attitude toward what the president did not and will not say, not about the substance of what he did say. It is a bit like complaining about someone saying "No comment", but worse because after rejecting ''the terms of the question'' the president actually did ''comment on the subject'' at length. <p> Re. DanielTom's remark, "removing it would amount to outrageous political censorship"[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:Barack_Obama&diff=2146632]:&nbsp; (1) Doing so would not in any way constitute suppression of the quoted person's political views. (2) ''Declining to link'' to "very deficient presentations" in "obtuse, unjust or moronically stupid" sources using "very short selections of quotes by people with intent to discredit them" (Kalki's phrases) is [https://xkcd.com/1357/ not censorship] either. They can still be quoted if they ever have something notably quoteworthy to say for themselves. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 17:40, 13 July 2016 (UTC) ::::::::: Should I respond? You are strawmanning as predicted (although I expected something more intelligent). I didn't say this is a First Amendment issue. I say it is political censorship because you ''are'' suppressing what Barrack Obama's response to terror attacks is – how he consistently refuses to acknowledge inconvenient truths that contradict his narrative about the terrorists' motivations, be it racism by blacks against whites or Islamism (a month ago, the perpetrator of the deadliest terrorist attack in the U.S. since 9/11, Omar Mateen, said he "did it for ISIS"; Obama's unsurprising response: "We've reached no definitive judgment on the precise motivations of the killer"). Although most of my edits are not to political pages, I don't know if I can in good conscience continue to contribute to a wiki that is politically censured. It bothers me that this remark, with citations from many established newspapers (and which has been quoted far more times than almost any other currently standing in the [[Barack Obama]] page) has been removed so easily. I'll have to think about it. Kalki's response disappointed me. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 20:58, 13 July 2016 (UTC) :::::::::: The president's opinions on these matters are no secret to anyone, and are certainly not being suppressed here. Nor are his detractor's opinions being suppressed when they have something of their own to say rather than just chanting "hard to untangle" in unison. <p> If you are going to throw uncivil political dog whistles around in your edit summaries[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:Barack_Obama&diff=2147032] then perhaps it is indeed time for you to move along to some other venue. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 22:25, 13 July 2016 (UTC) :::::::::: This is not political censorship, [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]]. The quotation removed is petty, unnotable and in fact empty of political meaning. [[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 22:55, 13 July 2016 (UTC) :::::::::: Also, the quotation "We've reached no definitive judgment on the precise motivations of the killer" was spoken the day of the shooting at a press briefing. And in context reads: "We are still learning all the facts. This is an open investigation. We’ve reached no definitive judgment on the precise motivations of the killer. The FBI is appropriately investigating this as an act of terrorism." Quotations which discredit Obama are certainly not prohibited, and indeed are encouraged; we need to represent the full spectrum of a person's thoughts; the good, the bad and the ugly. But add a legitimate quotation, for example: "By refusing to say ‘radical Islamic terrorism’, Obama is trying to create a reality where all the world's great religions are on the same side." [http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/article/2016/jun/14/obama-vs-trump-radical-islam/] or: Obama is "one of these people who goes into it sure that no one really believes what they say". But decontextualizing and deliberately misinterpreting unnoteworthy statements is below the quality of the Wikiquote. [[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 22:55, 13 July 2016 (UTC) ::::::::::: He said that ''after'' everyone knew about Mateen's call to 911 where he pledged allegiance to ISIS – the transcript of which was at first censored by the Obama administration too ([http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2016/06/20/many-outraged-reference-isil-omitted-orlando-911-transcript/86139678/ full transcript] later released), the same way the [http://nypost.com/2016/04/02/white-house-doctors-video-to-remove-islamic-terrorism-quote/ White House censored the ''French President'' François Hollande for saying "Islam''ist'' terrorism"] ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3S7B5LS5cWs video]). But by all means keep sleeping. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 23:33, 13 July 2016 (UTC) === Another quotability problem === I've reverted [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Barack_Obama&action=historysubmit&type=revision&diff=2150531&oldid=2150016 this entry] of [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] for lacking quotability. Please see: *[https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Quotability Quotability] *[https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Quality_and_Quantity Quality and Quantity] *[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Recentism Recentism] This is not censorship. It is not for political reasons the quotation is removed but because the quotation is petty, overlong and of low quality. If there is a quotation about Obama like, for example "Barack Obama is disrespectful and makes jokes during speeches about tragedies" then this would be perfectly allowable. But the quotation added is of no value as the joke doesn't even come across in text, being expressed by verbal nuance and a grin. [[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 19:12, 24 July 2016 (UTC) : That's your ''opinion'', but that quote has had full articles in mainstream press dedicated to it, and has been by far more widely quoted than probably 99% of the other quotes currently on the [[Barrack Obama]] page. Your removal is again political – you complain that it is "overlong", when it is actually shorter than ''most'' of the quotes ''directly below it''. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 19:31, 24 July 2016 (UTC) As [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] has restored the quotation I call for community contributions to help resolve this dispute. [[User:P3Y229|P3Y229]], [[User:Kalki|Kalki]], [[User:Illegitimate Barrister|Illegitimate Barrister]], [[User:UDScott|UDScott]], [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]]; the most <s>active</s>[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk%3ABarack_Obama&action=historysubmit&type=revision&diff=2151559&oldid=2151200] ''recent'' editors of the Obama page, I ask for your input. Thanks to all [[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 19:47, 24 July 2016 (UTC) + tweak, [[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 18:36, 25 July 2016 (UTC) : a.k.a. Censorship Committee. That sounds like a great idea. Let's have anonymous Internet users vet the quotes that respected journalists of major publications wrote whole articles about. After all, quotes that make Obama look bad (even if they are by Obama himself) must not be tolerated. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 19:59, 24 July 2016 (UTC) : Parts of the quote are quotable. [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Barack_Obama&type=revision&diff=2152079&oldid=2151194 I highlighted these parts]. I therefore suggest to keep the quote in this form. --[[User:P3Y229|P3Y229]] ([[User talk:P3Y229|talk]]) 00:36, 27 July 2016 (UTC) :: Yeah, after further thought, I think I have made a mountain of a molehill in my protest. The quote is arguably unnotable, but as DanielTom pointed out already there are less quotable entries already present on the page. [[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 20:55, 27 July 2016 (UTC) == Last Election quote == Hard to believe this quote isn't on the page: “This is my last election,” Obama interjects. “After my election, I have more flexibility.” This was from a discussion with Russian President Medvedev caught on an open-mike. See https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/obama-tells-medvedev-solution-on-missile-defense-is-unlikely-before-elections/2012/03/26/gIQASoblbS_story.html?utm_term=.842616d1d37b == Images == I have removed several images per [[WQ:IMAGES]]. They can be readded in more appropriate places spread out throughout the article: <pre> [[File:20080825 Michelle Obama With Daughters at 2008 Democratic National Convention.png|thumb|In the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope.]] [[File:George Caleb Bingham - Stump Speaking.jpg|thumb|Change will not come if we wait for some other person or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.]] [[File:Barack Obama 2008 Iraq 19.jpg|thumb|The journey will be difficult. The road will be long. I face this challenge with profound humility, and knowledge of my own limitations. But I also face it with limitless faith in the capacity of the American people.]] [[File:20081111 Chicago IL VeteransDay-0364.jpg|thumb|Our destiny is not written for us, but by us.]] [[File:Barack Obama Fold.jpg|thumb|If we are willing to work for it, and fight for it, and believe in it, then I am absolutely certain that generations from now, we will be able to look back and tell our children that this was the moment when we began to provide care for the sick and good jobs to the jobless; this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal; this was the moment when we ended a war and secured our nation and restored our image as the last, best hope on earth.]] [[File:Charles W. Bartlett - 'Surf-Riders, Honolulu'., 1919, Color woodcut, Honolulu Academy of Arts.jpg|thumb|I try to explain … something about the [[w:Aloha|Aloha Spirit]]. I try to explain … this basic idea that we all have obligations to each other, that we're not alone...]] [[File:'Hawaii, The Surf Rider', woodblock print by Charles W. Bartlett, 1921, Honolulu Academy of Arts.jpg|thumb|We've been divided for so long, we've been arguing for so long, a lot of times about things that aren't even worth arguing about, and ignoring the things that we should be doing to make the next generation have a better life — that I think people are hungry for a new politics, they're hungry for change...]] </pre> '''~[[User:~riley|<span style="color:#232323;">''riley''</span>]]''' ''(<span style="color:#4F4F4F;">[[User talk:~riley|<span style="color:#4F4F4F;">talk</span>]]</span>)'' 22:48, 10 April 2020 (UTC) == Inappropriate backlinking == The first quote in the 1990 section that reads "Hopefully, more and more people will begin to feel their story is somehow part of this larger story of how we're going to reshape America in a way that is less mean-spirited and more generous." has a link cited - this link [http://ironicsurrealism.com/2012/03/14/obama-1990-interview-were-going-to-reshape-mean-spirited-america] backlinks not to the ironic surrealism site, but redirects to an inappropriate website that isn't family friendly. This needs to be removed or reworked. [[User:Jmc210694|Jmc210694]] ([[User talk:Jmc210694|talk]]) 19:06, 25 August 2022 (UTC) f960cszv7fon2i0bnz9ugm3b5gg9nes 3157945 3157919 2022-08-25T21:22:47Z Kalki 71 /* Inappropriate backlinking */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{talkheader}} ==Unsourced quotes== I am fairly new to Wikiquote. I just visited here to drop off a quote I ran into. However, to me the long section of unsourced quotes looks a little strange. If he really said them couldn't a published source be found? For all we know these are things someone made up, wishing Senator Obama had said them. I would recommend removing them. There are plenty of sourced quotes. Thanks. [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 14:49, 26 November 2007 (UTC) :Wikipedia policy says that unsourced material about a living person that could be harmful should be removed from an article, and I am guessing that Wikiquote has the same kind of policy. It seems to me that since he is running for office any of these unsourced quotes could be harmful to him since some people might disagree with them or use them in the wrong way. I hope that nobody will object if I remove them. Thanks. I will do the same with [[Hillary Clinton]]'s page if she has some. [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 22:18, 29 November 2007 (UTC) == Correction is needed... == Quote "This is the moment that will define a Generation" in section 2008 (it has an external link not named... it's numbered with 12). The explanation to the quote is wrong! Minnesota didn't hold a primary , they hold a caucaus... and even more important, he didn't give the speech after an election in Minnesota. But he gave the speech in Minnesota, the day he won the nomination... see the source given--[[Special:Contributions/85.179.197.12|85.179.197.12]] 13:29, 22 October 2008 (UTC) == i will listen to you == "i will listen to you" "debt to family beyond measure" "new energy to harness" "we as people will get there" "rise or fall as one nation" "dawn of the us leadership at hand" "union can be perfected" "change has come to america" "this is our moment" president speech! 44 president of USA "this victory belongs to you" "i will listen to you" == more from obama's speech 4 nov == "strenght comes from ideas" "challenges are grates of lifetime" "america can change" *Calm down. Undoubtedly the campaign will release a transcript of the speech, from which the poignant moments can be drawn. Cheers! [[User:BD2412|<font style="background:lightgreen">''BD2412''</font>]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 07:12, 5 November 2008 (UTC) "This is your victory" [[User:Patio|Patio]] 10:12, 5 November 2008 (UTC) == Al Smith dinner == Obama had some good lines at the Al Smith dinner. Would it be appropriate to put those on this page? Oops. Forgot to sign. [[User:DataSnake|DataSnake]] 13:23, 6 November 2008 (UTC) Why not add the quote "When your name is Barack Obama, you're always the underdog" From the Tonight Show with Jay Leno == Other Quotes == Other politicians have their "no-so-perfect" quotes listed as well. What about: "This was the moment when we began to provide care for the sick and good jobs to the jobless; this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal" [http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D912VD200&show_article=1] and "I've been to 57 states" [http://marcambinder.theatlantic.com/archives/2008/05/from_the_if_mccain_did_this_fi.php] [[User:Jmcnamera|Jmcnamera]] 20:20, 29 December 2008 (UTC) :This is a free-content encyclopedia. There's nothing to stop you from adding them. ~ [[User:Jc-S0CO|<font color="black"><b>S0CO</b></font>]]<small><sup>([[User_talk:Jc-S0CO|<font color="red">talk</font>]]|[[Special:Contributions/Jc-S0CO|<font color="blue">contribs</font>]])</sup></small> 03:31, 30 December 2008 (UTC) ::I can't add them because the page is protected. [[User:Jmcnamera|Jmcnamera]] 17:43, 30 December 2008 (UTC) :::I added the first as it had an impartial source, was high-profile, and was significant on the campaign trail. The second was a less notable "gotcha" moment which could have used a better source. ~ [[User:Jc-S0CO|<font color="black"><b>S0CO</b></font>]]<small><sup>([[User_talk:Jc-S0CO|<font color="red">talk</font>]]|[[Special:Contributions/Jc-S0CO|<font color="blue">contribs</font>]])</sup></small> 05:43, 2 January 2009 (UTC) "What is a family? Is it just a genetic chain, parents and offspring, people like me? Or is it a social construct, an economic unit, optimal for child rearing and divisions of labor? Or is it something else entirely: a store of shared memories, say? An ambit of love? A reach across the void?" is from 'Dreams From My Father' but I don't know the page citation. [[User:Fashnable1|Fashnable1]] 23:20, 13 January 2009 (UTC) == Excerpts from "The Audacity of Hope" and "Dreams of my Father" == A friendly reminder: [[Wikiquote:Limits on quotations#Books]] recommends that no more than five lines of prose be quoted for every ten pages in a copyrighted book. We need to choose excerpts sparingly to try and keep within this limit. Thanks! ~ [[User:Jc-S0CO|<font color="black"><b>S0CO</b></font>]]<small><sup>([[User_talk:Jc-S0CO|<font color="red">talk</font>]]|[[Special:Contributions/Jc-S0CO|<font color="blue">contribs</font>]])</sup></small> 23:45, 20 January 2009 (UTC) :I have sparingly quoted from both books. I initially had chosen around 60 quotes from each book and I limited that to only about 30 from each (also made sure that they didn't cross 5 lines; only 2 quotes cross 5 lines [they are 6 lines] in the entirety from both books). the excerpts that i have taken and put in from both books are very memorable and noteworthy. in fact, after examining much of the rest of the material on this page, i find that it is cluttered with non-notable quips and isn't worthy to remain on the page...things like "i'm not interested in the suburbs. the suburbs bore me." serve absolutely no memorable purpose, have close to no meaning, and they are quips that are said at any random moment by absolutely anyone and are more attributions than quotations. just because obama said them doesn't mean they should be added here. tomorrow obama can come out and say his dinner tasted good and that he likes a certain food...that DOES NOT NEED TO BE HERE. much of the material on the page needs to be heavily reduced, but the section from the books isn't among that. i have limited the excerpts to only the best and moral since your last mentioning this. So now, there are only approximately 30 or so excepts from each book and the most memorable ones indeed. the rest of the page is so cluttered with such gibberish, it's not even funny. i don't want to remove anything from the date-modified order...but i want to point out that there's way too much unimportant quips here and there that need to be removed. I won't take any action on my own, but i will point this out as a major issue of clutter, and if anyone else agrees with me here, i'd very much like them to speak out about it. i want to work to make this page well-formatted and accessible, much like most of the other pages i have worked on. - [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 20:06, 14 February 2009 (UTC) ::While I agree that there is some trivia on the page, I don't think the example you cite is a good candidate for deletion. Notably, it has been a very, very long time since the U.S. has had a president from an urban background. Whether or not this aspect of his perspective will be significant to his legacy is a question that must await the test of time. It certainly has the potential, as has already been remarked upon in the media. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] 15:33, 15 February 2009 (UTC) :::I was merely bringing that one up as an example. That shouldn't be taken as the single rubric of which quote should or shouldn't be deleted. What I can do is list every quote that I think should be removed and serves no purpose here and we can deliberate upon which should stay and which should go for each one. It's just such a mess right now it's not even funny. - [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:13, 16 February 2009 (UTC) == Special Olympics Quote. == Someone should add this Barack Obama Quote: "It was like the Special Olympics or something." On bowling a 129. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090320/ap_en_tv/obama_special_olympics_15 --[[Special:Contributions/75.65.105.90|75.65.105.90]] 23:22, 20 March 2009 (UTC) * How does this "qualify as a quote" any more than [[Karl Rove]] allegedly authoring a push-poll question stating "Would you be more or less likely to vote for Governor Richards if you knew her staff is dominated by lesbians?" You removed that from the Karl Rove article on the contention that it would not qualify as a quote even if it were sourced. [[User:BD2412|<font style="background:gold">''BD2412''</font>]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 03:24, 21 March 2009 (UTC) Surely you understand the difference between a quote and a push poll question? Barack Obama ''actually said'' the comment about the special olympics. Are you really trying to say that it is not a quote? --[[Special:Contributions/75.65.105.90|75.65.105.90]] 03:49, 21 March 2009 (UTC) I guess its ok for George W. Bush's wikiquote page to be full of gaffes and "gotcha" quotes which were picked up on microphone when he didn't know it was on, but there is not one single gaffe on Obama's wikiquote page? C'mon, add the quote about the special olympics it is well sourced and is a genuine quote. By the way I'm the anonymous user from above, created and merged with my wikipedia account. I'm not even sure why this page is locked or why a member can't edit it.--[[User:Henrybaker|Henrybaker]] 04:03, 21 March 2009 (UTC) The only reason I can tell for not including the special olympics quote is because he shouldnt have said it and he regrets saying it. If those are the criteria by which a well sourced authentic quote is to be kept from wikiquote, then there are many quotes on many pages that need to be excised. Or perhaps a better reason can be given or the quote can be added. --[[User:Henrybaker|Henrybaker]] 17:54, 21 March 2009 (UTC) So this page is protected even against registered users editing it, and no response is given to a request by a registered user to add a well sourced authentic quote. This is full of fail.--[[User:Henrybaker|Henrybaker]] 23:17, 21 March 2009 (UTC) : You'll get a better response at the [[WQ:VP|Village Pump]]. [[User:BD2412|<font style="background:gold">''BD2412''</font>]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 04:41, 22 March 2009 (UTC) How about you give a reason why that quote shouldnt be included on this page. The fact that it is not flattering to President Obama is not sufficient to exclude it. --[[User:Henrybaker|Henrybaker]] 06:43, 22 March 2009 (UTC) : If it was flattering to Obama, it still wouldn't merit inclusion in my opinion. If Obama went on the Tonight Show and recited his grocery list, some people would find things there to praise and others to criticize, but it wouldn't be quoteworthy. [[Wikiquote:Quotability]] sets forth a number of factors to be weighed in determining whether either deserves a place in this compendium. These include: #Is the quote itself particularly witty, pithy, wise, eloquent, or poignant? #Is the author of the quote ''notable''? If so, are they very notable, moderately notable, barely notable? Are they notable as a ''source of quotes'' (i.e., as a poet, pundit, or [[Yogi Berra]])? #Is the quote itself independently well known (as with proverbs and certain well-reported comments)? #Is the subject of the quote a notable subject? Is it about a broad theme of the human experience such as [[Love]], [[Justice]], or [[Loneliness]]? Or is it about a narrow or mundane topic, like [[porcupine]]s, lunch meat, or that new car smell? If the quote is about another person, is that other person highly notable? #Has the quote stood the test of time? #Is the quote verifiably sourced? : The quote at issue here fails the first, fourth, and fifth factors utterly. Certainly it is not inherently memorable if considered apart from the author. The topic is bowling, which is mundane (or, arguably, the Special Olympics, which is a narrow topic). Per the Quotability guidelines, "any quote made within the past ten years will be scrutinized under the presumption that it is not inherently quotable". If we include everything said by a notable person simply because that person is notable, then we would for example transcribe every word of Shakespeare's plays, duplicating the function of Wikisource while drowning truly poignant comments and notable observations in a sea of chaff. I note that we include Obama's heavily criticized "they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion" remark, which is far more unflattering to Obama than the bowling comment, but which is also (unlike the bowling comment) relevant to his role in society, as a policymaker explicitly addressing things such as guns and religion. [[User:BD2412|<font style="background:gold">''BD2412''</font>]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 07:16, 22 March 2009 (UTC) :: I agree with the proposition that there are many quotes on many pages that need to be excised. This particular page is receiving special attention not because of partisan favoritism, but because the subject happens to be the most watched person in the world at the moment. :: Because the quote is genuine and has been mentioned in the press, it is a suitable subject for [[Wikinews:|Wikinews]]. However, that does not make it suitable for [[Wikiquote:Wikiquote|Wikiquote's purpose]] of collecting "''sparkling gems of wisdom in a handful of well-chosen words''" that "''will exist forever as a summary of the collective insights of society, communal knowledge passed on from one generation to the next.''" I am quite confident that some of President Obama's statements will be remembered generations hence, and equally confident that this quote will not be among them. It can be added later if the test of time proves me wrong. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] 14:31, 22 March 2009 (UTC) Which broad theme of love loneliness or justice does it fall into when obama jokes about being superman? --[[User:Henrybaker|Henrybaker]] 16:02, 22 March 2009 (UTC) : I just checked back in here and noticed your latest comment, which I hadn't actually noted before making mine below, regarding this quote and another one. I can actually agree that the criteria here have become a bit strained toward exclusions lately, not only on this page but generally, but I actually don't feel a strong urge to support inclusion the Special Olympics quote. I don't feel a strong need to exclude it either, but I do feel the superman jokes were far more notable, as were some of [[John McCain|McCain]]'s remarks during the same session of comedic dinner speeches. ~ [[User:Achilles|Achilles]] [[User_talk:Achilles|†]] 19:57, 22 March 2009 (UTC) How about this guy: How does America find its way in this new, global economy? What will our place in history be? Like so much of the American story, once again, we face a choice. Once again, there are those who believe that there isn’t much we can do about this as a nation. That the best idea is to give everyone one big refund on their government—divvy it up by individual portions, in the form of tax breaks, hand it out, and encourage everyone to use their share to go buy their own health care, their own retirement plan, their own child care, their own education, and so on. In Washington, they call this the Ownership Society. But in our past there has been another term for it—Social Darwinism—every man or woman for him or herself. It’s a tempting idea, because it doesn’t require much thought or ingenuity. It allows us to say that those whose health care or tuition may rise faster than they can afford—tough luck. It allows us to say to the Maytag workers who have lost their job—life isn’t fair. It let’s us say to the child who was born into poverty—pull yourself up by your bootstraps. And it is especially tempting because each of us believes we will always be the winner in life’s lottery, that we’re the one who will be the next Donald Trump, or at least we won’t be the chump who Donald Trump says: “You’re fired!” But there is a problem. It won’t work. It ignores our history. It ignores the fact that it’s been government research and investment that made the railways possible and the internet possible. It’s been the creation of a massive middle class, through decent wages and benefits and public schools that allowed us all to prosper. Our economic dependence depended on individual initiative. It depended on a belief in the free market; but it has also depended on our sense of mutual regard for each other, the idea that everybody has a stake in the country, that we’re all in it together and everybody’s got a shot at opportunity. That’s what’s produced our unrivaled political stability. Certainly not pithy. not well known as a quote. I've read the quote 3 times, and I can't say theres one single theme of the quote. This quote has not, and will not, stand the test of time. It is not a sparkling gem of wisdom contained in a few well chosen words. It is not, in fact, a quotation. It is a speech or at least a major portion thereof. All I am saying is that the self appointed protectors of this page are applying a double standard to what can be included and what cannot be included. So if we truly want to strictly apply the standard to the quote that I suggested, lets apply to every quote on this page, and every quote on every page.--[[User:Henrybaker|Henrybaker]] 21:45, 22 March 2009 (UTC) : I agree that the lengthy passage cited above is a poor quality quote. It would be better to excerpt a couple strong, succinctly stated points, even if they are not entirely original. If I were really interested in editing this article, I would probably trim it. I only dropped in to share an opinion. : Nobody here is self-appointed. If you continue to participate you will soon be automatically promoted from newcomer status, and will be able to edit this and other semiprotected articles. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] 22:54, 22 March 2009 (UTC) :: That quote, as it happens, is 367 words, which is about 117 past our limit for quotes (250 words) absent a community consensus to allow a longer quote because of its particular significance (such as the Gettysburg Address, which is over by abut 25 words). However, with pages like [[Noam Chomsky]] out there, we obviously have higher priorities for quote trimming. [[User:BD2412|<font style="background:gold">''BD2412''</font>]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 01:36, 23 March 2009 (UTC) ::: How about we unprotect this page, and people can, y'know, edit it as they see fit. Kinda the whole point of a wiki as I recall. --[[User:Henrybaker|Henrybaker]] 01:55, 23 March 2009 (UTC) :::: Because the notability of the subject is such that, if unprotected, we would get an endless stream of [http://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Barack_Obama&diff=next&oldid=713446 this sort of vandalism]. Which is why we limit editing to trusted editors. Which you could become if you were to contribute in a diverse enough capacity to demonstrate understanding of the policies that guide our efforts to gather the most useful observations of generations. We have some 15,000 articles, and all you've done so far is make a handful of edits on a talk page lobbying for inclusion of a quote of questionable value. I mean, will anyone have any reason to quote this in 100 years? I ask you to put some time in to helping us to put together some of our entries on people and topics entirely unrelated to politics and current events. In doing that, you'll gain the perspective of what we're trying to accomplish, and earn the right to make additions to articles where mischief is of greater concern. Cheers! [[User:BD2412|<font style="background:gold">''BD2412''</font>]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 03:58, 23 March 2009 (UTC) I guess this quote is out of the question too "How long are we going to go? Are we going to just keep on going until you know, the entire Muslim world and Arab world despises us? Do we think that's really going to make us safer? I don't know a lot of thoughtful thinkers, liberal or conservative who think that that was the right approach." If the above criteria were applied to the George Bush (either), Dan Quayle, or Ronald Reagan quote pages, then none of their gaffes would be included either. Is the fact that Dan Quayle used the school's (mis-)spelling of the word potato (potatoe was written on the card he was handed from the teacher) going to be memorable 100 years from now. Fair is fair - either allow the gaffes on all pages or on none. Good, verifiable information is what I expect from the Wiki projects, not censorship based upon political bias. [[User:Eschudy|Eschudy]] (And I'm not afraid to use my real name) == 57 rather than 47 states gaffe == First I want to note that I greatly admire Obama as probably the most intelligent person to hold US Presidential office since at least [[Dwight D. Eisenhower|Eisenhower]], and in many ways capable of being perhaps the wisest and most effective administrator since long before that, as he certainly seems to me one of the ''least'' idiotic politicians and social leaders of these times, but to borrow a bit of Australian slang [[Douglas Adams]] famously used, I think the criteria that people have been applying to exclude a lot of things here lately, from quotes to entire pages, is about as palatable as a load of fetid dingo's kidneys. I especially dislike the extremely presumptuous bit of arrogance "any quote made within the past ten years will be scrutinized under the presumption that it is not inherently quotable." That could eliminate most recent politician's pages altogether. Quoting the page cited in the above section more fully one finds this bit of verbage, which I CANNOT entirely agree with, as it greatly inflates the nobility and constrains or belittles the more mundane, whimsical, and amusing reasons or objectives people have in collecting and repeating quotes: "Quotations are at once mundane and sublime. Whatever the philosophical stance of those who say them, and from whatever country, race, or religion they come; whether they be serious or whimsical; whether the authors are famous or infamous, controversial or celebrated: viewed in the right light quotations are sparkling gems of wisdom in a handful of well-chosen words." On the quote in question above "It was like the Special Olympics or something." I really don't care much whether we include it or not — I concur that it doesn't seem all that notable, but I just looked at some of the recent history and restored and corrected one that I feel definitely should be retained: * Over the last fifteen months we've traveled to every corner of the United States. I've now been in fifty...seven states... I think one left to go. One left to go — Alaska and Hawaii I was not allowed to go to, even though I really wanted to visit — but my staff would not justify it. ** A gaffe during a campaign address, where he had obviously meant to say forty-seven in reference to the 47 of the 48 contiguous US states he had visited. (9 May 2008) [http://www.barackobama.com/2008/05/09/remarks_of_senator_barack_obam_63.php Official transcript] - [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpGH02DtIws video of actual delivery] I certainly can agree the disputed quote here isn't a sparkling gem of wisdom — but neither are many of the statements of criteria for inclusion lately. Obama did make the remark, it ''was'' widely reported, and especially widely noted and repeated by his critics, and whatever weariness of the campaign process might have produced such a gaffe, it certainly does deserve to be reported here just as much as any of [[George W. Bush]]'s numerous gaffes. I definitely wish Obama well, and would like this to simply be remembered as one of the most absurd comments to ever come from him during his entire career, and clear proof that nobody is perfect or infallible, especially when working relentlessly at a grueling pace on a political campaign, but I don't expect that it is going to be forgotten any more than any of Bush's or [[Dan Quayle]]'s most famous gaffes, ''is'' humorous, and should definitely be included here. ~ [[User:Achilles|Achilles]] [[User_talk:Achilles|†]] 16:07, 22 March 2009 (UTC) : Citing examples of human foibles is just too easy, for they are ubiquitous. Finding quotes ''about'' them that are "particularly witty, pithy, wise, eloquent, or poignant" is a more sporting challenge, one that is "at once mundane and sublime." ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] 19:39, 22 March 2009 (UTC) Why not just add this yourself? [[User:Eschudy|Eschudy]] : This quote was actually retained, after the restoration of it by Achilles noted above. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 05:13, 18 October 2009 (UTC) You're right. Thank you [[User:Achilles|Achilles]] and [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User:Eschudy|Eschudy]] 21:16, 20 October 2009 (UTC) == Did someone forget the Anonymous quote == Remember, remember the 4th of November when obama the ballots won I see no reason why this election season should ever be forgotten. i believe it is how it goes, someone should take a look == Quote and source drop-off == "But while our economy may be weakened and our confidence shaken; though we are living through difficult and uncertain times, tonight I want every American to know this: We will rebuild, we will recover, and the United States of America will emerge stronger than before." -Joint Message to Congress (2.24.2009) http://www.whitehouse.gov/the_press_office/Remarks-of-President-Barack-Obama-Address-to-Joint-Session-of-Congress/ == "I'm not interested in the suburbs. The suburbs bore me" == [http://www.brellrants.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=25&p=486528#p486532 the entire AP article] [http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/2095262/posts First Black Heads Harvard Journal - 17 APRIL 1990 - AP] [[User:Jdbsa05|Jdbsa05]] 12:25, 13 May 2009 (UTC) :I wouldn't object to including that quote. However it could have been said by almost any notable person. We fans of the suburbs don't often get elected president. :-) [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 15:15, 21 July 2009 (UTC) :: Actually, this is part of a quote [[Barack Obama#1990|already listed]] in the article, and it was [[#Excerpts from "The Audacity of Hope" and "Dreams of my Father"|previously discussed]] above. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] 16:24, 21 July 2009 (UTC) == the speech is not full == there should be a lot more == UN Speech Sept 09 == <blockquote>We must remember that the greatest price of this conflict ist not paid by us. It is paid by the Israeli girl in Sderot who closes her eyes in fear that a rocker will take her life in the night. It is paid by he Palestinian boy in Gaza who has no clean water and no country to call his own. These [all] are God's children. And after all of the politics and all of the posturing, this is about the right of every humand being to live with dignity and security. This is a lesson embedded in the three great faiths that call one small slice of Earth the Holy Land.</BLOCKQUOTE> [http://un.org/ga/64/generaldebate/pdf/US_en.pdf United Nations, General Debate of the 64th Session (2009), United States of America, H.E. Mr. Barack Obama, President p. 6] The part in brackets is not in the transcript but I'm sure that's what he actually said in the speech. == Too Many Quotes? == This is not very selective. The user has just taken quotes from a book they have liked the look of. Are there any signs of people referring to the quotes used? [[Special:Contributions/92.29.177.49|92.29.177.49]] 07:42, 29 March 2011 (UTC) * With pages on quotes by people, once we get past copyright limitations, we really have no restriction on the number of quotes (see, e.g., [[Alexander Pope]], which has numerous subpages of material). [[User:BD2412|<font style="background:tan">''BD2412''</font>]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 16:10, 30 March 2011 (UTC) == Obama Quotes == A good compromise, a good piece of legislation, is like a good sentence; or a good piece of music. Everybody can recognize it. They say, 'Huh. It works. It makes sense.' Barack Obama After a century of striving, after a year of debate, after a historic vote, health care reform is no longer an unmet promise. It is the law of the land. Barack Obama Al Qaeda is still a threat. We cannot pretend somehow that because Barack Hussein Obama got elected as president, suddenly everything is going to be OK. Barack Obama America and Islam are not exclusive and need not be in competition. Instead, they overlap, and share common principles of justice and progress, tolerance and the dignity of all human beings. Barack Obama Americans... still believe in an America where anything's possible - they just don't think their leaders do. Barack Obama And I will do everything that I can as long as I am President of the United States to remind the American people that we are one nation under God, and we may call that God different names but we remain one nation. Barack Obama And so our goal on health care is, if we can get, instead of health care costs going up 6 percent a year, it's going up at the level of inflation, maybe just slightly above inflation, we've made huge progress. And by the way, that is the single most important thing we could do in terms of reducing our deficit. That's why we did it. Barack Obama And we have done more in the two and a half years that I've been in here than the previous 43 Presidents to uphold that principle, whether it's ending "don't ask, don't tell," making sure that gay and lesbian partners can visit each other in hospitals, making sure that federal benefits can be provided to same-sex couples. Barack Obama As a nuclear power - as the only nuclear power to have used a nuclear weapon - the United States has a moral responsibility to act. Barack Obama As I've said, there were patriots who supported this war, and patriots who opposed it. And all of us are united in appreciation for our servicemen and women, and our hopes for Iraqis' future. Barack Obama But do I think that our actions in anyway violate the War Powers Resolution, the answer is no. Barack Obama These sandwiches are fantastic! I like cheese. Barrack Obama : Assuming you could source it, why would someone find that interesting? ~ [[User:Robin Lionheart|Robin Lionheart]] ([[User talk:Robin Lionheart|talk]]) 15:27, 7 November 2012 (UTC) But if you - if what - the reports are true, what they're saying is, is that as a consequence of us getting 30 million additional people health care, at the margins that's going to increase our costs, we knew that. Barack Obama But what we can do, as flawed as we are, is still see God in other people, and do our best to help them find their own grace. That's what I strive to do, that's what I pray to do every day. Barack Obama Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek. Barack Obama Community colleges play an important role in helping people transition between careers by providing the retooling they need to take on a new career. Barack Obama Contrary to the claims of some of my critics and some of the editorial pages, I am an ardent believer in the free market. Barack Obama Cutting the deficit by gutting our investments in innovation and education is like lightening an overloaded airplane by removing its engine. It may make you feel like you're flying high at first, but it won't take long before you feel the impact. Barack Obama Even when folks are hitting you over the head, you can't stop marching. Even when they're turning the hoses on you, you can't stop. Barack Obama Focusing your life solely on making a buck shows a certain poverty of ambition. It asks too little of yourself. Because it's only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you realize your true potential. Barack Obama For more than four decades, the Libyan people have been ruled by a tyrant - Moammar Gaddafi. He has denied his people freedom, exploited their wealth, murdered opponents at home and abroad, and terrorized innocent people around the world - including Americans who were killed by Libyan agents. Barack Obama "I am a fierce supporter of domestic-partnership and civil-union laws. I am not a supporter of gay marriage as it has been thrown about, primarily just as a strategic issue. I think that marriage, in the minds of a lot of voters, has a religious connotation. ..." Barack Obama in Windy City Times, February 2004 [[Special:Contributions/198.175.199.185|198.175.199.185]] 10:29, 7 November 2012 (UTC)cestalthesickly@excite.com The only people that don't want to disclose the truth, are people with something to hide. - I don't know where and when exactly he said that but it's everywhere (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bhFB7-w2MY8 , https://www.google.fr/search?q=how+do+you+round+to+nearest+pound+%3F&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&gws_rd=cr&ei=2ld6V9u6HoWBU6jvv0g#q=only+people+who+dont+want+disclose+the+truth+are+those+with+something+to+hide ) and I'm looking for source info if anyone has [[Special:Contributions/82.3.187.141|82.3.187.141]] 13:03, 4 July 2016 (UTC) : See [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2010/08/21/weekly-address-president-obama-challenges-politicians-benefiting-citizen here]. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 13:18, 4 July 2016 (UTC) == "Rumor" not "rumour" == As an American, Barack Obama uses American English, in which the word is spelled "rumor." There are two instances on this page where it is spelled "rumour" incorrectly. == Medical marijuana == Here can be found quotes with good reference sources: *[http://2012election.procon.org/view.answers.election.php?questionID=1712 Should the federal government arrest people for using medical marijuana in states where medical marijuana use is legal? - 2012 Presidential Election - ProCon.org]. *[http://2012election.procon.org/view.source.election.php?sourceID=11134 Barack Obama (D) - 2012 Presidential Election - ProCon.org]. Quotes listed by a newspaper editorial board: *[http://www.gazette.com/articles/promises-117589-campaign-marijuana.html See Obama's medical marijuana campaign promises | promises, campaign, marijuana - Colorado Springs Gazette, CO]. --[[User:Timeshifter|Timeshifter]] ([[User talk:Timeshifter|talk]]) 02:35, 21 July 2012 (UTC) == Alphabetisation == The "quotes about" section features American Thinker before M. Ahmadinejad. Needs re-sorting [[Special:Contributions/83.70.170.48|83.70.170.48]] 14:35, 13 August 2012 (UTC) * Yes, you are correct. I'll fix that now. [[User:BD2412|<font style="background:#F2E6CE">''BD2412''</font>]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 17:44, 13 August 2012 (UTC) == Link to Snopes re spurious quotations? == [[w:Snopes.com|Snopes]] has a detailed analysis of an email purporting to present damning quotations from Obama. Some of the quotations in the email are taken out of context, and others have had the wording changed to make an anti-Obama point. I suggest that we add to the "External links" section a link to the Snopes piece, in this form: :[http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/coilofrage.asp "Coil of Rage"] - [[w:Snopes.com|Snopes.com]] analysis of purported Obama quotations Emails of this sort often have wide currency, and many readers might come here in search of information about "quotations" not in our article because they are phonies. [[User:Jim Lane|Jim Lane]] ([[User talk:Jim Lane|talk]]) 02:29, 23 November 2012 (UTC) :: I've added the fabricated quotes to Misattributed. ~ [[User:Robin Lionheart|Robin Lionheart]] ([[User talk:Robin Lionheart|talk]]) 10:53, 23 November 2012 (UTC) == Presidential Memorandum -- National Insider Threat Policy == ''...deter, detect, and mitigate actions by employees who may represent a threat to national security. These threats encompass potential espionage, violent acts against the Government or the Nation...'' Was posted a month before ? == SAndy Hook happened in 2013. == But thats not what the table of contents say.{{unsignedip|173.53.114.60}} :No, it happened in December 2012. (Time flies.) ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 17:00, 14 July 2013 (UTC) it actually happened 2013{{unsignedip|69.250.32.163}} == what happened to "if you like the plan you have you can keep it"? == quoted from here http://www.politifact.com/obama-like-health-care-keep/ and lots more like that: * President’s weekly address, June 6, 2009: "If you like the plan you have, you can keep it. If you like the doctor you have, you can keep your doctor, too. The only change you’ll see are falling costs as our reforms take hold." * Town hall in Green Bay, Wis., June 11, 2009: "No matter how we reform health care, I intend to keep this promise: If you like your doctor, you'll be able to keep your doctor; if you like your health care plan, you'll be able to keep your health care plan." These and similar quotes are very well known and widely cited in discussion of Obamacare, I am surprised that they are not explicitly mentioned here. [[Special:Contributions/76.119.30.87|76.119.30.87]] 20:06, 28 February 2014 (UTC) : No one has bothered to add it yet. I am not particularly interested in doing so, any more than I would be in removing it. Anyone is welcome to add it, in properly formatted and placed way. ~ <font style= "color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌[[User:Kalki|Kalki]]·[[User talk:Kalki|†]]·[[User:Kalki/index|⚓]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</font> 20:20, 28 February 2014 (UTC) :: I certainly think that the quotes are notable enough to merit inclusion. [[User:BD2412|<font style="background:#F2E6CE">''BD2412''</font>]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 21:34, 1 March 2014 (UTC) : "If you like the quote you can add it." ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 21:46, 1 March 2014 (UTC) ::I like the quote, but I can't add it since the page is protected. Can someone add the quote, it is notable. [[User:Fdr2001|Fdr2001]] ([[User talk:Fdr2001|talk]]) == President Obama’s Climate Action Plan (2014) == : <small>[http://www.scribd.com/doc/149809454/President-Obama-s-Climate-Action-Plan President Obama’s Climate Action Plan June 25 , 2014]</small> [[User:P3Y229|P3Y229]] Obama's name is in the title of the reference document and thus in my opinion it can we quoted with his name. [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Barack_Obama&oldid=prev&diff=1740867] [[User:Watti Renew|Watti Renew]] ([[User talk:Watti Renew|talk]]) 16:29, 2 June 2014 (UTC) ref. * ''While no single step can reverse the effects of climate change, we have a moral obligation to future generations to leave them a planet that is not polluted and damaged. Through steady, responsible action to cut carbon pollution, we can protect our children’s health and begin to slow the effects of climate change so that we leave behind a cleaner, more stable environmenʈ.''<bɾ> : This should be addressed in my opinion in the quotes. According to British [[Lord Stern]]: "These new plans should help the US achieve its target of reducing annual emissions of greenhouse gases by 17% by 2020, compared with 2005. This represents real leadership."''' [http://www.theguardian.com/environment/2014/jun/02/barack-obama-carbon-cuts-plan-us] [[User:Watti Renew|Watti Renew]] ([[User talk:Watti Renew|talk]]) 16:51, 2 June 2014 (UTC) : I oppose the inclusion of the above mentioned quote. While it's quoteworthy, the quote doesn't stem from Barack Obama. If one reads the introduction of the reference document clearly and fully, one recognizes that the cited quote wasn't written by Obama, but instead by someone of his stuff within the Executive Office of the President. --[[User:P3Y229|P3Y229]] ([[User talk:P3Y229|talk]]) 08:18, 3 June 2014 (UTC) :: I agree with P3Y229. The name in the title does not signify authorship. On the contrary, Mr. Obama is not in the habit of referring to himself in the third person. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 15:49, 7 June 2014 (UTC) == Islamic imagery == [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] and I have a dispute regarding Islamic images on the page. [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] had added five images accompanying quotations about Islam; see: [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Barack_Obama&type=revision&diff=2070796&oldid=2070372], [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Barack_Obama&diff=next&oldid=2070796], [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Barack_Obama&diff=next&oldid=2070798], [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Barack_Obama&diff=next&oldid=2070802] I removed four of them, considering them to be giving a disproportionate prominence to the subject of Islam; Notice that Christian and other religious imagery is not included elsewhere on the page. Also, [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]], I would like to ask what is your motivation to include these quotations? I wonder if these images have been added to highlight what you consider to be foolish statements, and that by highlighting them you seek to subtly disparage Obama. That is speculation, and I may be wrong, but you have been harshly critical of Barack Obama and John Kerry elsewhere; Could you please address my concerns? For example, what do you think of this quotation which you added an image to: ''"Islam has a proud tradition of tolerance."''? Thanks, and understand I speak in good faith. [[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 16:48, 16 January 2016 (UTC) : No, I don't think they are "foolish" statements – Obama carefully considered them. (It's not my fault if ''you'' think they are foolish.) Currently, the page has over 200 images, so 3 or even 5 images highlighting Obama's notable quotations on Islam would be 5/200*100=2.5% of images – I think ''not'' to include them is what would violate NPOV. If you personally want more Christian imagery, you can go ahead and add them yourself (''e.g.'', use the quote, "I am a Christian, and I am a devout Christian. I believe in the redemptive death and resurrection of Jesus Christ."). The images I added from the Cairo speech are of Obama at Cairo University delivering the speech – but feel free to replace the other images with more appropriate ones, if you can find them. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 17:54, 16 January 2016 (UTC) :: I still disagree, but don't want to commence an unholy edit war. Do you think we could suspend the images' inclusion until we reach a consensus from further dialogue?, adhering to the maxim ''in dubio abstine'', or "When in doubt abstain". :: I call on others to please voice their opinions. [[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 18:23, 16 January 2016 (UTC) ::: Yes, I don't plan on adding more. (But if you mean removing the ones I already added: no, unless you can show they violate some policy that the other couple hundred images don't.) ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 18:35, 16 January 2016 (UTC) == Quotability question == [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] and I are in a dispute regarding this entry (https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Barack_Obama&diff=prev&oldid=2145724) * I think it's very hard to untangle the motives of this [[w:2016 shooting of Dallas police officers|shooter]]. ** During a press conference at the NATO Summit in Poland Obama, as quoted in [http://dailycaller.com/2016/07/09/obama-says-its-very-hard-to-untangle-dallas-shooters-motives-video/ "Obama Says ‘It’s Very Hard To Untangle’ Dallas Shooter’s Motives"] by Steve Guest, ''The Daily Caller'' (9 July 2016). The Dallas Police Chief had stated the day before that "The suspect said he wanted to kill white people, especially white officers." [http://www.weeklystandard.com/obama-very-hard-to-untangle-dallas-shooters-motive/article/2003222 "Obama: 'Very Hard to Untangle' Dallas Shooter's Motive"] by Michael Warren,''The Weekly Standard'' (9 July 2016). I feel it is both insufficiently quotable (https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Quotability) and also added primarily to discredit Barack Obama. Regarding the latter accusation see [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk%3ADanielTom&type=revision&diff=2146066&oldid=2145535 here] [[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 22:04, 10 July 2016 (UTC) Also, in response to the edit revision comment: "this was quoted all over the news yesterday as well as today, both in news TV channels and newspapers; I provided links to two" [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Barack_Obama&curid=4620&diff=2146038&oldid=2146032], see: [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Recentism Wikipedia:Recentism] [[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 22:27, 10 July 2016 (UTC) : Yeah. You really need to stop trying to ''suppress'' sourced quotes that you personally believe "discredit" Obama. So, according to you, we can't quote Obama if he discredits himself by what he says? How is that a valid reason? My edit summaries (or purported motivation) are equally irrelevant. The relevant questions are: Did Obama say it? (Yes.) Was it widely quoted in multiple media outlets? (Yes.) Is it adequately sourced? (Yes.) I once again note that you only seem to remove "recent" quotes that you ''feel'' make Obama look bad. All the other recent quotes you don't have a problem with. But unfortunately for you, Wikiquote is not politically censored. Nice try, though. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 22:59, 10 July 2016 (UTC) :: The problem with many of the quotes of various people as used by the most ardent polemicists and fanatics of ANY factions is they tend to naively or cynically promote and foster various forms of naïve [[absolutism]] in regard to individuals or groups of people. ::Of course anyone can misspeak or seem to misspeak, in various ways, and many do not misspeak at all but can seem to, when very deficient presentations are provided from extensive speeches and addresses. ::I do not have time to deal extensively with this current dispute, nor the ways this may have been abbreviated from a more general and expansive statement, as I must soon be leaving, but will note that '''I usually find a very short extension of the most apparently absurd and "discrediting" statements of those made by people of generally good will and disposition reveals how obtuse, unjust or moronically stupid, have been the use of very short selections of quotes by people with intent to discredit them or diminish their apparent prestige in various ways.''' In the larger context often provided by just a brief extension, often a great deal more of the forms of character exhibit by the quoted and the quoter are revealed. ::As an [[absurdist]] familiar with MANY of the uses and misuses of language, and statements made with many forms of them, I tend to recognize the provisionality of the wisest ranges of assertions and believe that I thus can honor them properly, and also recognize the absolutist arrogance and naiveté of the most foolish ranges of assertions, and thus can forgive them and transcend them, even while passionately or dispassionately repudiating many aspects of them. ::Just prior to checking in here and noting this dispute I had written in my own notes to myself: "'''Angelic Enlightenment involves awareness and appreciation of the vital need for PROPER PROVISIONALITY of ANY and ALL typification.'''" This is something which many often ignore, neglect or are entirely oblivious to, as they are duped or seek to dupe others led on by their own narrow, shallow, and very limited perceptions, prejudices and presumptions. ::I said more as relates to such issues, in these very brief notes to myself, but that is about all I have time to present at this point, as I must be leaving VERY soon. <small>''[[Dharma|So]] [[Necessity|it]] [[Kenosis|goes]]''[[Eternity|…]]</small><big> [[Monism|⨀]][[Awareness|∴]][[Life|☥]][[Peace|☮]][[Love|♥]][[Understanding|∵]][[Om|ॐ]] [[Karma|…]]</big>''[[Blessings]]''. ~ <font style= "color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌[[User:Kalki|Kalki]]·[[User talk:Kalki|†]]·[[User:Kalki/index|⚓]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</font> 12:44, 11 July 2016 (UTC) + tweaks ::: I agree with Kalki's observation about taking quotes out of context. See the [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/07/09/remarks-president-obama-press-conference-after-nato-summit transcript of the press conference] to appreciate what the president was saying about the shooter's state of mind. I also agree with IOHANNVSVERVS about lack of quotability, insofar as this sentence by itself conveys nothing of substance. <p> I also agree with IOHANNVSVERVS about "recentism". See also [[Wikiquote:Quotability#Recentism vs. the Test of Time]]. A bunch of ardent polemicists (Kalki's phrase) jumping on this in a single 24 hour <s>news</s>opinion cycle says more about them than about anything else. I am quite confident that this remark will be completely unremarked ten years after the president has left office. <p> DanielTom's assertion that opinionated edit summaries are irrelevant is not entirely correct. They shed some light on the practice of linking to biased sources. (The sources at least had the decency to provide enough context, omitted here, to indicate the president was saying the shooter was nuts.) Some attempt to claim or insinuate that statements by the shooter somehow contradict the president's point by explaining what motivates this sort of behavior. One went so far as to offer the scurrilous opinion that the president was ''defending'' the shooting. Why on earth would anyone link to this sort of rubbish, if not for polemical purposes? <p> Of course, DanielTom is not alone in doing this sort of thing. Many of our pages on contemporary public figures are filled with similarly forgettable and cherry-picked remarks that cannot pass the test of time. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 14:50, 12 July 2016 (UTC) :::: Your concern that this quote will not pass the test of time I can at least appreciate, because I believe it to be genuine (and not a flagrant double-standard or politically motivated, unlike IOHANNVSVERVS' or Obama-loving Kalki's). However, I think you must realize and accept that what Obama goes on to say in that speech in no way contradicts his first sentence. And it was his first sentence that was quoted all over the place. I can't really see how it is in any important way taken out of context (and even if it were, links are provided for further details). You may not accept this, but it ''is'' a significant quote (part of a long ''pattern'' in Obama's public speeches, as remarked by many political analysts, whether you consider them "rubbish" or not), and I really think removing it would amount to outrageous political censorship (first time I say this – no need to strawman me). For the record, I almost always link to ''whitehouse.gov''; in this particular case, the reason I linked to articles from ''[[w:The Daily Caller|The Daily Caller]]'', ''[[w:The Weekly Standard|The Weekly Standard]]'', ''[[w:Western Journalism Center|Western Journalism]]'', ''[[w:The Washington Times|The Washington Times]]'', ''[[w:WorldNetDaily|WorldNetDaily]]'' and ''[[w:The Daily Wire|The Daily Wire]]'' (could also mention ''[[w:Townhall|Townhall]]'' and ''[[w:Breitbart News|Breitbart News]]'') was precisely to show that ''many'' publications considered that quote significant enough to be featured in the titles of their articles, and I think we should go with them, rather than with your opinion. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 18:38, 12 July 2016 (UTC) :::::: Ningauble is wrong when he claims that "this sentence by itself conveys nothing of substance". First of all, if it conveys nothing of substance, why was it quoted so widely? (I gave examples of 8 different newspapers that quoted it in their articles' ''titles'' – which, by the way, disproves its so-called "lack of quotability" too.) But I don't even need to argue that it is substantial because it was explicitly about a racist black person who had just killed 5 white cops and who said he "wanted to kill white people, especially white officers". Indeed, even if it had been something vaguer (''e.g'', "I think it's very hard to untangle the motives of ''any'' shooter"), it would ''still'' be of substance, for it would tell us (if nothing else) that the President of the United States is ''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVl3BJoEoAU&feature=youtu.be&t=1h18m23s one of these people who goes into it sure that no one really believes what they say]''. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 00:13, 13 July 2016 (UTC) ::::::: You leap to conclusions. As I said below ''"Obama does not deny, nor surely is he unaware of the racist motives of the attack and even compares it to the [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charleston_church_shooting Charleston church shooting] and the [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2015_San_Bernardino_attack 2015 San Bernardino attack]"''; the quotation in context "First of all, I think it's very hard to untangle the motives of this shooter. As we've seen in a whole range of incidents with mass shooters, they are, by definition, troubled. By definition, if you shoot people who pose no threat to you -- strangers -- you have a troubled mind." suggesting Obama is perplexed at what motivates a person to massacre others, especially when they are strangers. ::::::: As Kalki writes "I agree with the others, that the quote as it stands is rather trivial as well as misleading"; I shall remove the entry. If you disagree please dialogue further and/or find other editors who support it's inclusion before reverting again. [[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 01:54, 13 July 2016 (UTC) ::::: [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]], you claim that removing this quotation "would amount to outrageous political censorship", but it seems to me the statement is devoid of any political ideology whatsoever. To say "it's very hard to untangle the motives of this shooter" appears to be a truism. ::::: Some appear to consider the statement a denial by Barack Obama of the shooter's racist motives; as shown in the juxtaposing of the quotation with the Dallas Police Chief's statement "The suspect said he wanted to kill white people, especially white officers." This interpretation is a distortion and a good example of taking a statement out of context. Obama does not deny, nor surely is he unaware of the racist motives of the attack and even compares it to the [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charleston_church_shooting Charleston church shooting] and the [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2015_San_Bernardino_attack 2015 San Bernardino attack]. ::::: I intend to remove the quotation for unnotability (see: [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Quotability Wikiquote:Quotability] and [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Quality_and_Quantity Wikiquote:Quality and Quantity]) and [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Recentism recentism], with [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] and [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] agreeing the quotation does not belong. ::::: Also, please do not accuse me of censorship, it is not true. [[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 23:10, 12 July 2016 (UTC) :::::: Does [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] agree that the quote should be removed? ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 23:13, 12 July 2016 (UTC) ::::::: I've just reviewed the above discussion, and have no strong objection to the quote being removed. As I had indicated, my general preference in such matters is to extend such excerpts for clarification of greater context, but I am currently juggling quite a number of activities, and don’t have the time to attend to even examining the matter of this particular quote very closely right now. I agree with the others, that the quote as it stands is rather trivial as well as misleading, and don’t believe that simply removing it would be all that grievous an act at this point. Had I the time, I might try extending it, but I expect to be VERY busy attending to MANY matters and to have very little time at all to spend here until at least Friday. I rather doubt that I will spend even as much as a half hour a day active here until then. I've been attending to other things between my edits here, and expect to be turning off my browser soon, and definitely spending very little time online for most of the next several days. ~ <font style= "color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌[[User:Kalki|Kalki]]·[[User talk:Kalki|†]]·[[User:Kalki/index|⚓]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</font> 00:45, 13 July 2016 (UTC) :::::::: Re. DanielTom's remark, "what Obama goes on to say in that speech in no way contradicts his first sentence ... I can't really see how it is in any important way taken out of context"[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:Barack_Obama&diff=2146632] (Please refer to the transcript linked above.):&nbsp; (1) The quote is from a Q&A after the speech. The only thing he said about the shooter himself in his opening speech was to call him a "demented individual". (2) The questioner, Kathleen Hennessey of AP, asked whether the motive, the reason this happened, should be understood as "domestic terrorism" or "a hate crime" or "a mentally ill man with a gun"? ''This question is the context of the quoted reply.'' (3) Someone given to glibness might have answered "all of the above", but the president responded more soberly (with a truism, in IOHANNVSVERVS's words) that this is difficult to untangle. (4) He elaborated (somewhat contradicting himself by untangling it a bit) that this can be understood as the act of someone with a troubled mind (consistent with his original remark about being demented), but that he would "leave that to psychologists and people who study these kinds of incidents". (5) The president went on to say, at considerable length, emphasizing a point from his opening remarks, that the shooter is not representative of any movement or ideology in the body politic.<p> My conclusion is that when asked to explain the incident in terms of political hot-button issues, the president declined to be baited into assigning any political significance to whatever was going on in this deranged individual's mind. That was the substance of his reply. Focusing on a prefatory statement, to the effect that is not so simple as the questioner suggested, is most definitely a case of taking an insubstantial remark out of context. <p> Re. DanielTom's remark, "many publications considered that quote significant enough to be featured in the titles of their articles"[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:Barack_Obama&diff=2146632]:&nbsp; (1) The fact that an opposition polemical echo chamber briefly reverberated with this headline indicates only that they would have preferred a different response, specifically, one that lays blame on some movement or ideology they believe is responsible. If some of them might not be satisfied with any response other than "The black lives movement is out to kill us all!", their disappointment does not make the quoted prefatory demurrer in any way a remarkable quote. (2) The attempt to sensationalize this with a headline is all about their attitude toward what the president did not and will not say, not about the substance of what he did say. It is a bit like complaining about someone saying "No comment", but worse because after rejecting ''the terms of the question'' the president actually did ''comment on the subject'' at length. <p> Re. DanielTom's remark, "removing it would amount to outrageous political censorship"[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:Barack_Obama&diff=2146632]:&nbsp; (1) Doing so would not in any way constitute suppression of the quoted person's political views. (2) ''Declining to link'' to "very deficient presentations" in "obtuse, unjust or moronically stupid" sources using "very short selections of quotes by people with intent to discredit them" (Kalki's phrases) is [https://xkcd.com/1357/ not censorship] either. They can still be quoted if they ever have something notably quoteworthy to say for themselves. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 17:40, 13 July 2016 (UTC) ::::::::: Should I respond? You are strawmanning as predicted (although I expected something more intelligent). I didn't say this is a First Amendment issue. I say it is political censorship because you ''are'' suppressing what Barrack Obama's response to terror attacks is – how he consistently refuses to acknowledge inconvenient truths that contradict his narrative about the terrorists' motivations, be it racism by blacks against whites or Islamism (a month ago, the perpetrator of the deadliest terrorist attack in the U.S. since 9/11, Omar Mateen, said he "did it for ISIS"; Obama's unsurprising response: "We've reached no definitive judgment on the precise motivations of the killer"). Although most of my edits are not to political pages, I don't know if I can in good conscience continue to contribute to a wiki that is politically censured. It bothers me that this remark, with citations from many established newspapers (and which has been quoted far more times than almost any other currently standing in the [[Barack Obama]] page) has been removed so easily. I'll have to think about it. Kalki's response disappointed me. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 20:58, 13 July 2016 (UTC) :::::::::: The president's opinions on these matters are no secret to anyone, and are certainly not being suppressed here. Nor are his detractor's opinions being suppressed when they have something of their own to say rather than just chanting "hard to untangle" in unison. <p> If you are going to throw uncivil political dog whistles around in your edit summaries[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:Barack_Obama&diff=2147032] then perhaps it is indeed time for you to move along to some other venue. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 22:25, 13 July 2016 (UTC) :::::::::: This is not political censorship, [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]]. The quotation removed is petty, unnotable and in fact empty of political meaning. [[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 22:55, 13 July 2016 (UTC) :::::::::: Also, the quotation "We've reached no definitive judgment on the precise motivations of the killer" was spoken the day of the shooting at a press briefing. And in context reads: "We are still learning all the facts. This is an open investigation. We’ve reached no definitive judgment on the precise motivations of the killer. The FBI is appropriately investigating this as an act of terrorism." Quotations which discredit Obama are certainly not prohibited, and indeed are encouraged; we need to represent the full spectrum of a person's thoughts; the good, the bad and the ugly. But add a legitimate quotation, for example: "By refusing to say ‘radical Islamic terrorism’, Obama is trying to create a reality where all the world's great religions are on the same side." [http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/article/2016/jun/14/obama-vs-trump-radical-islam/] or: Obama is "one of these people who goes into it sure that no one really believes what they say". But decontextualizing and deliberately misinterpreting unnoteworthy statements is below the quality of the Wikiquote. [[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 22:55, 13 July 2016 (UTC) ::::::::::: He said that ''after'' everyone knew about Mateen's call to 911 where he pledged allegiance to ISIS – the transcript of which was at first censored by the Obama administration too ([http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2016/06/20/many-outraged-reference-isil-omitted-orlando-911-transcript/86139678/ full transcript] later released), the same way the [http://nypost.com/2016/04/02/white-house-doctors-video-to-remove-islamic-terrorism-quote/ White House censored the ''French President'' François Hollande for saying "Islam''ist'' terrorism"] ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3S7B5LS5cWs video]). But by all means keep sleeping. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 23:33, 13 July 2016 (UTC) === Another quotability problem === I've reverted [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Barack_Obama&action=historysubmit&type=revision&diff=2150531&oldid=2150016 this entry] of [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] for lacking quotability. Please see: *[https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Quotability Quotability] *[https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Quality_and_Quantity Quality and Quantity] *[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Recentism Recentism] This is not censorship. It is not for political reasons the quotation is removed but because the quotation is petty, overlong and of low quality. If there is a quotation about Obama like, for example "Barack Obama is disrespectful and makes jokes during speeches about tragedies" then this would be perfectly allowable. But the quotation added is of no value as the joke doesn't even come across in text, being expressed by verbal nuance and a grin. [[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 19:12, 24 July 2016 (UTC) : That's your ''opinion'', but that quote has had full articles in mainstream press dedicated to it, and has been by far more widely quoted than probably 99% of the other quotes currently on the [[Barrack Obama]] page. Your removal is again political – you complain that it is "overlong", when it is actually shorter than ''most'' of the quotes ''directly below it''. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 19:31, 24 July 2016 (UTC) As [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] has restored the quotation I call for community contributions to help resolve this dispute. [[User:P3Y229|P3Y229]], [[User:Kalki|Kalki]], [[User:Illegitimate Barrister|Illegitimate Barrister]], [[User:UDScott|UDScott]], [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]]; the most <s>active</s>[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk%3ABarack_Obama&action=historysubmit&type=revision&diff=2151559&oldid=2151200] ''recent'' editors of the Obama page, I ask for your input. Thanks to all [[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 19:47, 24 July 2016 (UTC) + tweak, [[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 18:36, 25 July 2016 (UTC) : a.k.a. Censorship Committee. That sounds like a great idea. Let's have anonymous Internet users vet the quotes that respected journalists of major publications wrote whole articles about. After all, quotes that make Obama look bad (even if they are by Obama himself) must not be tolerated. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 19:59, 24 July 2016 (UTC) : Parts of the quote are quotable. [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Barack_Obama&type=revision&diff=2152079&oldid=2151194 I highlighted these parts]. I therefore suggest to keep the quote in this form. --[[User:P3Y229|P3Y229]] ([[User talk:P3Y229|talk]]) 00:36, 27 July 2016 (UTC) :: Yeah, after further thought, I think I have made a mountain of a molehill in my protest. The quote is arguably unnotable, but as DanielTom pointed out already there are less quotable entries already present on the page. [[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 20:55, 27 July 2016 (UTC) == Last Election quote == Hard to believe this quote isn't on the page: “This is my last election,” Obama interjects. “After my election, I have more flexibility.” This was from a discussion with Russian President Medvedev caught on an open-mike. See https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/obama-tells-medvedev-solution-on-missile-defense-is-unlikely-before-elections/2012/03/26/gIQASoblbS_story.html?utm_term=.842616d1d37b == Images == I have removed several images per [[WQ:IMAGES]]. They can be readded in more appropriate places spread out throughout the article: <pre> [[File:20080825 Michelle Obama With Daughters at 2008 Democratic National Convention.png|thumb|In the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope.]] [[File:George Caleb Bingham - Stump Speaking.jpg|thumb|Change will not come if we wait for some other person or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.]] [[File:Barack Obama 2008 Iraq 19.jpg|thumb|The journey will be difficult. The road will be long. I face this challenge with profound humility, and knowledge of my own limitations. But I also face it with limitless faith in the capacity of the American people.]] [[File:20081111 Chicago IL VeteransDay-0364.jpg|thumb|Our destiny is not written for us, but by us.]] [[File:Barack Obama Fold.jpg|thumb|If we are willing to work for it, and fight for it, and believe in it, then I am absolutely certain that generations from now, we will be able to look back and tell our children that this was the moment when we began to provide care for the sick and good jobs to the jobless; this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal; this was the moment when we ended a war and secured our nation and restored our image as the last, best hope on earth.]] [[File:Charles W. Bartlett - 'Surf-Riders, Honolulu'., 1919, Color woodcut, Honolulu Academy of Arts.jpg|thumb|I try to explain … something about the [[w:Aloha|Aloha Spirit]]. I try to explain … this basic idea that we all have obligations to each other, that we're not alone...]] [[File:'Hawaii, The Surf Rider', woodblock print by Charles W. Bartlett, 1921, Honolulu Academy of Arts.jpg|thumb|We've been divided for so long, we've been arguing for so long, a lot of times about things that aren't even worth arguing about, and ignoring the things that we should be doing to make the next generation have a better life — that I think people are hungry for a new politics, they're hungry for change...]] </pre> '''~[[User:~riley|<span style="color:#232323;">''riley''</span>]]''' ''(<span style="color:#4F4F4F;">[[User talk:~riley|<span style="color:#4F4F4F;">talk</span>]]</span>)'' 22:48, 10 April 2020 (UTC) == Inappropriate backlinking == The first quote in the 1990 section that reads "Hopefully, more and more people will begin to feel their story is somehow part of this larger story of how we're going to reshape America in a way that is less mean-spirited and more generous." has a link cited -<!-- this link [http://ironicsurrealism.com/2012/03/14/obama-1990-interview-were-going-to-reshape-mean-spirited-america] --> backlinks not to the ironic surrealism site, but redirects to an inappropriate website that isn't family friendly. This needs to be removed or reworked. [[User:Jmc210694|Jmc210694]] ([[User talk:Jmc210694|talk]]) 19:06, 25 August 2022 (UTC) : The redirected dead link has been removed. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 21:22, 25 August 2022 (UTC) s1a7bqfexd1d63durkab46wtzi5lyl3 0 47299 3157839 2439547 2022-08-25T14:00:00Z 105.112.210.95 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Image:Jack & Meg, The White Stripes.jpg|thumb|250px|The White Stripes at the 2007 O2 Wireless festival in London]]'''[[w:The White Stripes|The White Stripes]]''' are a Grammy Award-winning [[United States|American]] [[rock music]] duo from Detroit, composed of [[songwriter]] [[Jack White]] on guitar, piano, lead vocals, and [[Meg White]] on drums, percussion and vocals. ==Song lyrics== <small>All songs written and composed by Jack White, except where noted.</small> ===''[[w:The White Stripes (album)|The White Stripes]]'' (1999)=== ===="Sugar Never Tasted So Good"==== *Until her eyes crossed over<br>Until her mind crossed over<br>Until her soul fell next to me ===="Wasting My Time"==== *And if I'm wasting my time<br>Then nothing could be better<br>Than hanging on the line<br>And waiting for an honest word forever ===="Broken Bricks"==== <small>Written by Jack White and Stephen Gillis.</small> *Just a rusty-coloured rain that drives a man insane ===="Do"==== *And then my idols walk next to me<br>I look up at them, they fade away<br>It's a destruction of a mystery<br>The more i listen to what they say<br>So does that mean that there's no more doin'<br>And there's no more thinkin'<br>And there's no more feeling<br>'Cause there's no right opinion<br>So can you tell me what I'm supposed to do? ===''[[w:De Stijl (album)|De Stijl]]'' (2000)=== ===="Apple Blossom"==== *Come and tell me what you're thinking<br>'Cause just when the boat is sinking<br>A little light is blinking<br>And I will come and rescue you ===="I'm Bound to Pack It Up"==== *I guess I'm just another runaway ===="Sister, Do You Know My Name?"==== *And I don't wanna break the rules<br>'Cause I've broken them all before<br>But every time I see you<br>I wonder why<br>I don't break a couple rules so that you'll notice me ===="Truth Doesn't Make a Noise"==== *You try to tell her what to do<br>And all she does is stare at you<br>Her stare is louder than your voice<br>Because truth doesn't make a noise ===="A Boy's Best Friend"==== *My mind's already out of here ===''[[w:White Blood Cells (album)|White Blood Cells]]'' (2001)=== ===="[[w:Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground|Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground]]"==== *Soft hair and a velvet tongue<br>I wanna give you what you give to me<br>And every breath that is in your lungs<br>Is a tiny little gift to me ===="[[w:Hotel Yorba|Hotel Yorba]]"==== *It might sound silly<br>For me to think childish thoughts like these<br>But i'm so tired of acting tough<br>And I'm gonna do what I please<p>Let's get married<br>In a big cathedral by a priest<br>'Cause if I'm the man that you love the most<br>You could say "I do" at least ===="I'm Finding It Harder to Be a Gentleman"==== *I never said that I wouldn't<br>Throw my jacket in the mud for you<br>But my father gave it to me so maybe I should carry you<br>Then you said "You almost dropped me" so then I did<br>And I got mud on my shoes ====* [[India|I]] [[Think of the children|think]] [[I'm|l'm]] [[Intelligence|in]] [[love]] with u babe==== I don't know how to tell u that I really Love u babe I want to spend my extern life With u babe Please will u Mary me *world * * ===="The Union Forever"==== {{See also|Citizen Kane}} *It can't be love for there is no true love *Well, I'm sorry but I'm not interested in gold mines, oil wells, shipping, or real estate<br>What would I liked to have been?&nbsp; Everything you hate *There is a man—a certain man<br>And for the poor you may be sure that he'll do all he can<br>Who is this one?&nbsp; Who's favourite son?<br>Just by his action has the traction magnets on the run<br>Who likes to smoke, enjoys a joke,<br>And wouldn't get a bit upset if he were really broke<br>With wealth and fame, he's still the same<br>I'll bet you five you're not alive if you don't know his name ===="Offend in Every Way"==== *I'm coming through the door, but they're expecting more<br>Of an interesting man, sometimes I think I can;<br>But how much can I fake?&nbsp; I'll speak until I break;<br>With every word I say, offend in every way ===="I Think I Smell a Rat"==== {{See also|Patrick Henry}} (who said "I smelt a rat") *All you little kids seem to think you know just where it's at<br>Oh, I think I smell a rat ===="Now Mary"==== *What a season<br>To be beautiful<br>Without a reason ===="I Can Learn"==== *No harm will come of this<br>One little midnight kiss ===''[[w:Elephant (album)|Elephant]]'' (2003)=== ===="[[w:Seven Nation Army|Seven Nation Army]]"==== *Don't wanna hear about it<br>Every single one's got a story to tell<br>Everyone knows about it<br>from the Queen of England to the Hounds of Hell *All the words are gonna bleed from me<br>And I will think no more ===="Black Math"==== *Listen, master, can I ask you a question?<br>Is it the fingers or the brain that you're teaching this lesson? ===="In the Cold, Cold Night"==== *I saw you standing in the corner<br>On the edge of a burning light *You make me feel a little older<br>Like a full grown woman might<br>But when you're gone I grow colder<br>Come to me again in the cold, cold night *I need the fuel to make my fire bright ===="I Want to Be the Boy to Warm Your Mother's Heart"==== *I'm afraid to even open my eyes ===="[[w:Ball and Biscuit|Ball and Biscuit]]"==== *It's quite possible that I'm your third man, girl<br>But it's a fact that I'm the seventh son ===="[[w:The Hardest Button to Button|The Hardest Button to Button]]"==== *I had opinions that didn't matter<br>I had a brain that felt like pancake batter ===="Hypnotize"==== *I wanna hold your little hand if I can be so bold<br>And be your right-hand man 'til your hands get old<br>And then when all the feeling's gone<br>Just decide if you want to keep holding on<br>I want to hold your little hand if I can be so bold<br>If I can be so bold<br>If I can be so bold ===="The Air Near My Fingers"==== *Life is so boring<br>It's really got me snoring *Well, don't you remember?<br>You told me in December<br>That a boy is not a man until he makes a stand<br>Will, I'm not a genius,<br>But maybe you'll remember this:<br>I never said I ever wanted to be a man ===="Girl, You Have No Faith in Medicine"==== *Well strip the bark right off a tree and just hand it this way<br>Don't even need a drink of water to make the headache go away<br>Give me a sugar pill and watch me just rattle down the street<br>Acetaminophen—you see the medicine—oh, girl<br>You have no faith in medicine ===="Well It's True That We Love One Another"==== *I've got your phone number written in the back of my bible *Love really bores me ===''[[w:Get Behind Me Satan|Get Behind Me Satan]]'' (2005)=== ===="The Nurse"==== *The nurse should not be the one who puts salt in your wounds<br>But it's always with trust that the poison is fed with a spoon ===="Forever for Her (Is Over for Me)"==== *I blew it<br>And if I knew what to do, then I'd do it<br>But the point that I have, I'll get to it<br>That forever for her is over for me<br>"Forever"—just the word that she said that means never<br>To be with another together<br>And with the weight of a feather it tore into me ===="White Moon"==== *My friends are all dying<br>And death can't be lying<br>It's the truth and it don't make a noise ===="As Ugly as I Seem"==== *I am as ugly as I seem<br>Worse than all your dreams *Can you believe some things are not<br>Appealing as a spot<br>On the ceiling of my childhood bedroom? *You wanna take away from me<br>Things that are mine and it's not your right<br>It's odd that you wouldn't expect a fight<br>Can it be that I don't want what you want? ===="I'm Lonely (But I Ain't That Lonely Yet)"==== *I go down to the river<br>Filled with regret<br>I go down and I wonder<br>If there was any reason left<br>I left just before my lungs could get wet<br>I'm lonely, but I ain't that lonely yet ===''[[w:Icky Thump|Icky Thump]]'' (2007)=== ===="[[w:Icky Thump (song)|Icky Thump]]"==== *Icky thump with the lump in my throat<br>Grabbed my coat and I was freaking, I was ready to go<br>Yeah, I swear, beside the hair she had one white eye<br>One blank stare, lookin' up, lyin' there *Well, Americans, what?<!--Is it "Well, Americans, what?" or "White Americans, what?"?--><br>Nothing better to do?<br>Why don't you kick yourself out?<br>You're an immigrant, too! ===="Prickly Thorn, but Sweetly Worn"==== *One sound can hold back a thousand hands when the pipe plays a tune forlorn ===="St. Andrew (This Battle Is in the Air)"==== *I travel backwards in ecstasy ===="Little Cream Soda"==== *Now my mind is filled with rubber tires and forest fires and whether I'm a liar and lots of other situations where I don't know what to do, at which time God screams to me, "There's nothing left for me to tell you" ===="Effect and Cause"==== *Well, in every complicated situation there's a human relation<br>Making sense of it all takes a whole lot of concentration<br>Well, you can blame the baby for her pregnant ma<br>And if there's one of these unavoidable laws<br>It's just that you can't just take the effect and make it the cause ==Band quotes== *Downtown Detroit has more vacant buildings over 10 storeys than any city in the world. Tons of skyscrapers with nothing in them. [The flag] is the idea of rooting for the underdog, because Detroit has such a bad reputation. **Meg White, on why they included a Detroit flag in their stage set **Cameron, Keith (March 28, 2003), [http://www.theguardian.com/music/2003/mar/29/artsfeatures.popandrock "The sweetheart deal"]. ''The Guardian''. Retrieved December 15, 2014. *That would break up the thing of vocals, guitar and drums. Somebody else there would bring this fourth component. If you're going to have four components, you might as well have 20, y'know? **Jack White, on why they never considered having a bass player **Cameron, Keith (March 28, 2003), [http://www.theguardian.com/music/2003/mar/29/artsfeatures.popandrock "The sweetheart deal"]. ''The Guardian''. Retrieved December 15, 2014. ==About== *The White Stripes were part of a wave of retro-minded young bands who gave rock music a much-needed jolt in the first few years of the 21st century, but they're less nostalgic bashers than a brilliant conceptual creation: a divorced Detroit couple who masqueraded as brother and sister, named themselves after their band (or vice versa), wore alternating white-and-red outfits, and rewired the blues for the new generation. **''[[w:Rolling Stone|Rolling Stone]]'' magazine **No byline (2004). [http://www.rollingstone.com/artists/whitestripes/biography "Biography"] ''The New Rolling Stone Album Guide'' (accessed March 26, 2007) *I like them, but I don't see how they're in any way a manifestation of the blues. **[[John Mayer]], in a 2004 ''Esquire'' column. **[[w:Steve Silverman|Silverman, Steven]] (2004). [http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,639891,00.html "John Mayer Rocks the High School Prom"] Rolling Stone magazine (accessed March 26, 2007) ==External links== {{wikipedia-inline}} *{{Official|http://www.whitestripes.com}} {{The White Stripes}} {{DEFAULTSORT:White Stripes, The}} [[Category:American bands]] [[Category:The White Stripes| ]] [[Category:Blues rock]] [[Category:Alternative rock]] [[Category:Garage rock]] [[Category:Punk blues]] [[Category:Garage punk]] [[Category:Folk rock]] [[Category:Hard rock]] odiko76lawk9ruxsf854asyxybfeq1i 0 48106 3157992 3124759 2022-08-25T23:09:13Z 199.16.220.242 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End|Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End]]''''' is a 2007 adventure film and third installment in [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney's]] ''[[Pirates of the Caribbean]]'' film series based on the [[w:Disneyland|Disneyland]] attraction "[[w:Pirates of the Caribbean (theme park ride)|Pirates of the Caribbean]]". This film is released May 25, 2007 in United States. :''Directed by [[w:Gore Verbinski|Gore Verbinski]]. Written by [[w:Ted Elliott|Ted Elliott]] and [[w:Terry Rossio|Terry Rossio]]. == Captain Jack Sparrow == * Why should I sail with any of you? Four of you tried to kill me in the past. [''points to Elizabeth''] One of you succeeded. * ''He'' needs the ''Pearl''. "Captain Turner" needs the ''Pearl''. ''[To Elizabeth]'' And you felt guilty. ''[To Barbossa]'' And you and your Brethren Court! Did no one come to save me just because they missed me? ''[Jack The Monkey, Ragetti and Pintel raise their hands]'' I'm staying over there with them! * [to Gibbs] Why is the rum always gone?? * My peanut. * Up is down. Well that's just maddeningly unhelpful. * ''[After Barbossa asks for his plan]]'' Cuttlefish! Ay? Let us not, dear friends, forget our dear friends the cuttlefish... flippin' glorious little sausages. Pen them up together and they will devour each other without a second thought. Human nature, in'it? Ooor... fish nature. So yes! We could hold up here, well-provisioned and well-armed, and half of us would be dead within the month! Which seems grim to me any way you slice it! Or! ... ahh... as my learned colleague so naively suggests, we can release Calypso, and we can pray that she will be merciful-I rather doubt it. Can we, in fact, pretend that she is anything other than a woman scorned, like which fury Hell hath no? We cannot. ''Res ipsa loquitur, tabula in naufragio'', we are left with but one option. I agree with, and I cannot believe the words are coming out of me mouth ... Captain Swann. We must fight! == Will Turner == * ''[to Elizabeth, holding his heart in the Dead Man's Chest]'' It's always belonged to you. Will you keep it safe? ==Captain Hector Barbossa== * For certain, you have to be lost to find a place that can't be found, elseways everyone would know where it was. * There's never a guarantee of coming back. But passing on, that's dead certain. * Dying is the day worth living for! * You know the problem of being the last of anything, is by and by there’ll be none left at all. ==Elizabeth Swann== * You will listen to me! LISTEN! The Brethren will still be looking here to us, to the Black Pearl to lead, and what will they see? Frightened bilgerats aboard a derelict ship? No, no they will see free men and freedom! And what the enemy will see is the flash of our cannons, they will hear the ring of our swords, and they will know what we can do! By the sweat of our brows and the strength of our backs and the courage of our hearts! Gentlemen... Hoist the colors! ==Lord Cutler Beckett== * Advise your brethren: you can fight, and all of you will die. Or you can not fight, in which case only most of you will die. * ''[last words, in a stunned torpor as his plans fall apart]'' It's just...good business. ==Davy Jones== * Ten years, I devoted to the duty you charged me. Ten years, I looked after those who died at sea, and finally, when we could be together again, you weren't there. Why weren't you there? ==Dialogue== :'''Hector Barbossa''': I see my ship. Right there! ''[pointing to the Black Pearl]'' :'''Jack Sparrow''': Can't spot it. Must be a tiny little thing hiding behind the Pearl! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Davy Jones''': ''[Sees Dead Man's Chest being loaded onto the Flying Dutchman]'' Go! All of you! And take that infernal thing with you. I will not have it on my ship! :'''Lord Beckett''': Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Because ''I'' will. Because it seems to be the only way to ensure that this ship do as directed by the ''company''. We need prisoners to interrogate, which tends to work best when they're ''alive''. :'''Davy Jones''': The ''Dutchman'' sails as it's ''captain'' commands &hellip; :'''Lord Beckett''': &hellip; And it's captain is to sail it as ''commanded!'' I would have thought you'd had learned that when I ordered you to kill your pet. ''[Davy Jones bows head in shame]'' This is no longer your world, Jones. The immaterial has become &hellip; immaterial. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hector Barbossa''': Trim that sail! :'''Jack Sparrow''': Trim that sail! :'''Hector Barbossa''': Slack windward brace! :'''Jack Sparrow''': Slack windward brace! :'''Hector Barbossa''': Haul the pennant line! :'''Jack Sparrow''': Haul the pennant line! :'''Hector Barbossa''': What are you doin'? :'''Jack Sparrow''': What are you doin'? :'''Hector Barbossa''': No, what ''are'' you doin'? :'''Jack Sparrow''': What are ''you'' doin'? :'''Hector Barbossa''': No! What ''ARRR-ee'' you doin'? :'''Jack Sparrow''': What are ''you'' doin'? Captain gives orders on the ship. :'''Hector Barbossa''': The captain of the ship ''is'' givin' orders. :'''Jack Sparrow''': My ship, makes me captain. :'''Hector Barbossa''': They be my charts! :'''Jack Sparrow''': Well, that makes you... chart man. :'''Pintel''': ''[Yelling fiercely]'' STOW IT! THE BOTH OF YOU! THAT'S AN ORDER, UNDERSTAND?!?! ''[Everyone including Jack and Barbossa stop what they're doing and stare at him]'' Sorry. I just thought, with the Captain issue in doubt, I'd throw my name in for consideration, sorry. :'''Ragetti''': ''[to Pintel]'' I'd vote for you. <hr width="50%"/> [Deleted Scene] :'''Lord Beckett''': Remarkable. The last I saw of that ship, it was on fire. A blackened hull, sinking beneath the waves. [Jack starts looking in several containers.] We had a deal, Jack. I contracted you to deliver cargo on my behalf. You chose to liberate it. :'''Jack Sparrow''': [Camera focuses on Jack's "P" brand, which marks him as a pirate.] People aren't cargo, mate. :'''Lord Beckett''': And you incurred a heavy debt to raise her up again, didn't you? [Jack continues to look through containers.] It's not here, Jack. [Jack stops and turns to look at Beckett.] :'''Jack''': [Feigning confusion.] What? What isn't? :'''Beckett''': The heart of Davy Jones. It's safely aboard the Dutchman, and so unavailable for use as leverage to satisfy your debt to the the good captain. :'''Jack''': By my reckoning, that account has been settled. :'''Beckett''': By your death. And yet, here you are. :'''Jack''': Close your eyes, and pretend it's all a bad dream, that's how I get by. :'''Beckett''': Your 'good deed' cost me, Jack. :'''Jack''': And you have spared me any possibility of ending up as anything other than what I am. For that, I truly thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Barbossa''': Still thinking of running, Jack? Think you can outrun the world? ...You know, the problem with being the last of anything, by and by, there'll be none left at all. :'''Jack''': Sometimes things come back, mate. We're living proof, you and me. :'''Barbossa''': Aye, but that's a gamble of long odds, ain't it? There's never a guarantee of coming back. But passing on, that's dead certain. :'''Jack''': Summoning the Brethren Court then, is it? :'''Barbossa''': It's our only hope, lad. :'''Jack''': That's a sad commentary in and of itself. :'''Barbossa''': The world used to be a bigger place. :'''Jack Sparrow''': The world's still the same. There's just... less in it. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Gibbs''': Look alive and keep a weather eye, men! It's not for naught it's called Shipwreck Island where lies Shipwreck Cove in the town of Shipwreck. :'''Jack Sparrow''': You know, for all that pirates are clever clogs, we are an unimaginative lot when it comes to naming things. :'''Gibbs''': ''[nods]'' Aye. :'''Jack Sparrow''': I once sailed with a geezer lost both his arms and part of his eye. :'''Gibbs''': What did you call him? :'''Jack Sparrow''': ''[pauses]'' Larry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pintel''': Those aren't pieces of eight, they're just pieces of junk! :'''Gibbs''': Aye, the original plan was to use nine pieces of eight to bind Calypso, but when the first court met the Brethren were, to a one, skint broke. :'''Pintel''': So change the name! :'''Gibbs''': To what? "Nine pieces of whatever we happened to have in our pockets at the time?" Oh yes, that's very piratey! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Captain Chevalle''': There has not been a king since the First Brethren Court, and that is not likely to change! :'''Captain Teague''': Not likely. :'''Elizabeth''': Why not? :'''Gibbs''': Because the pirate king is elected by popular vote... :'''Barbossa''':...and each pirate only votes for himself. :'''Jack''': I call for a vote. :''[Barbossa rolls his eyes as Captain Teague starts playing the guitar]'' :'''Captain Ammand''': I vote for Ammand, the Corsair! :'''Captain Chevalle''': Captain Chevalle, the penniless Frenchman! :'''Sri Sumbhajee's assistant''': Sri Sumbhajee votes for Sri Sumbahjee! :'''Mistress Ching''': Mistress Ching! :'''Captain Jocard''': Gentleman Jocard! :'''Elizabeth''': ''[shrugs]'' Elizabeth Swann! :'''Barbossa''': Barbossa! :'''Captain Villanueva''': Villanueva! :''[Captain Teague stops playing his guitar]'' :'''Jack''': Elizabeth Swann. :''[Captain Teague continues to play the guitar while everyone stares at Jack Sparrow]'' :'''Elizabeth''': ''[shocked]'' What? :'''Jack''': I know. Curious, isn't it? :''[The court begins to yell and argue disagreeing Jack's decision and a few tell him to change his vote for them]'' :'''Jack''': Am I to understand that you lot will ''not'' be keeping to the code, then? :''[Captain Teague's guitar string snaps as he looks up at the Court]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Jack''': What? You've seen it all, done it all. Survived. That's the trick isn't it? To survive? :'''Captain Teague''': It's not just about living forever, Jackie. The trick is living with yourself forever. :'''Jack''': ''[pause]'' How's mum? ''[Captain Teague holds up a decayed shrunken head]'' ''[revolted]''... She looks great. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Elizabeth''': Prepare every vessel that floats. At dawn, we're at war. :'''Sri Sumbhajee''': ''[high pitched voice]'' And so...we shall go to war! ''[Jack looks at him in surprise as the brethren cheers]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Will Turner''': ''[during the final battle]'' Will you marry me? :'''Elizabeth Swann''': I don't think now's the best time! :'''Will Turner''': Now may be the only time! I love you. I've made my choice. What's yours? :'''Elizabeth Swann''': Barbossa! :''[Will baffled because of her 'choice']'' :'''Elizabeth Swann''': ''[to Barbossa]'' Marry us! :''[Will looks at Barbossa relieved, narrowing his eyes because of the rain]'' :'''Barbossa''':''[while fending off multiple opponents]'' I'm a little busy at the moment! :'''Will Turner''':''[fighting opponents himself]'' Barbossa, NOW! :'''Barbossa''':''[after impaling three opponents]'' Fine then! ''[the three keep fighting whilst Barbossa stands up on the helm, kicking a solider in the face as he does so and Will and Elizabeth embrace]'' Dearly beloved, we be gathered here today... ''[distracted whilst fighting]'' to nail yer gizzards to the mast, yer poxy cur! ''[whilst Will and Elizabeth look up at him confused]'' == About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' == * The physics of a whirlpool this size overwhelmed the team at ILM [Industrial Light and Magic, the effects company]. The path we were heading down was not achieving the desired results so it all had to be reworked. The initial rendered backgrounds were used as out of focus plates for close-ups which bought us time by getting 100 or so shots in the pipeline and allowed us to completely rethink and re-render the maelstrom for all of the wide shots. This is the exact opposite of how you would normally go about producing this sequence. John Knoll and the team at ILM ultimately pulled it off, but it was a real nail-biter. * I have always been fascinated by the work of [Japanese animation director Hayao] Miyazaki. When we needed to get the Black Pearl back to the ocean, I thought, why are we limited to the rules of live-action filmmaking? Once those shackles are off, it is quite liberating. All sorts of ideas start to germinate. The crab is Tia Dalma's motif. Why not do something surreal and connected to her? Giving his escape a subtextual intention. :* Gore Verbinski [http://www.dvdizzy.com/goreverbinski-junket.html] == Cast == * [[Johnny Depp]] as [[w:Jack Sparrow|Captain Jack Sparrow]] * [[Orlando Bloom]] as [[w:Will Turner|Will Turner]] * [[Keira Knightley]] as [[w:Elizabeth Swann|Elizabeth Swann]] * [[Geoffrey Rush]] as [[w:Hector Barbossa|Captin Hector Barbossa]] * [[w:Chow Yun-Fat|Chow Yun-Fat]] as [[w:Sao Feng|Captain Sao Feng]] * [[w:Bill Nighy|Bill Nighy]] as [[w:Davy Jones (Pirates of the Caribbean)|Davy Jones]] * [[w:Jack Davenport|Jack Davenport]] as [[w:James Norrington|Admiral James Norrington]] * [[w:Stellan Skarsgård|Stellan Skarsgård]] as [[w:William "Bootstrap Bill" Turner|William "Bootstrap Bill" Turner]] * [[w:Tom Hollander|Tom Hollander]] as [[w:Cutler Beckett|Lord Cutler Beckett]] * [[w:Kevin McNally|Kevin McNally]] as [[w:Joshamee Gibbs|Joshamee Gibbs]] * [[w:Naomie Harris|Naomie Harris]] as [[w:Tia Dalma|Tia Dalma]] * [[w:Lee Arenberg|Lee Arenberg]] as [[w:Pintel and Ragetti|Pintel]] * [[w:Mackenzie Crook|Mackenzie Crook]] as [[w:Pintel and Ragetti|Ragetti]] * [[w:Jonathan Pryce|Jonathan Pryce]] as [[w:Weatherby Swann|Governor Weatherby Swann]] * [[Keith Richards]] as [[w:List of minor characters in Pirates of the Caribbean#Teague|Captain Teague Sparrow]] * [[w:Dominic Scott Kay|Dominic Scott Kay]] as [[List of minor characters in Pirates of the Caribbean|Henry Turner]] ==External links== {{wikipedia-inline}} *{{Official|http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/pirates/atworldsend}} *[http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/piratesofthecaribbeanatworldsend.html ''Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End'' trailer and clip] at [http://movies.yahoo.com Yahoo! Movies] *[http://adisney.go.com/disneypictures/pirates/atworldsend/pirates3.swf?eclipid=b10000 ''Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End'' Pirate Player] at [http://pirates.movies.com Disney] *{{rotten-tomatoes|id=pirates_of_the_caribbean_3|title=Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End}} {{Pirates of the Caribbean}} [[Category:2007 films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Pirates of the Caribbean films|Pirates of the Caribbean 3]] [[Category:Gore Verbinski films]] [[Category:Action adventure films]] dmg9srfnn5lsg6j9pt97xkgakavkhky 0 48319 3157865 3057473 2022-08-25T15:48:40Z FMSky 3089486 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Chris Pontius Jackass 3D London Premiere 3 (cropped).jpg|thumb|Chris Pontius at the Jackass 3D London premiere]] '''[[w:Chris Pontius|Chris Pontius]]''' (born '''Christopher Andrew Pontius''' on [[July 16]], [[1974]]) is an American television personality and stunt performer. He is a member of ''[[w:Jackass (TV series)|Jackass]] and, with [[w:Steve-O|Steve-O]], co-host of ''[[w:Wildboyz|Wildboyz]]. == Quotes == *That was intense. REALLY intense. Well, not really intense. But pretty intense. ** ''[[w:Jackass Number Two|Jackass 2]]'' * Today's debate: Is it wrong to be strong? You be the judge. ** ''[[w:Jackass Number Two|Jackass 2]]'' * Water-based lube: Friend or Foe? ** ''[[w:Jackass Number Two|Jackass 2]]'' *With a simple shave of the razor Steve-O easily disguises himself in fooling the whale shark in thinking he's a harmless young boy. ** ''[[Jackass: The Movie]]'' *Some people just don't know how to party. ** ''[[Jackass: The Movie]]'' *Hi I'm [[Bunny the Lifeguard]] and if any of these alligators try to ruin our swimming, I'm gonna wrestle 'em to the ground and probably have my way with them. ** ''[[Jackass: The Movie]]'' *Wait a minute. I already know my fortune, it's partying! ** ''[[Jackass: The Movie]]'' *I guess I don't have any last words. I'm just gonna kill myself once I lose my wiener. ** ''[[Jackass: The Movie]]'' *I'm gonna be so bummed when they announce my sexually transmitted diseases. ** [Spermathon- Jackass Episodes] *You look cool, Steve-0. ** [Butt Piercing- Jackass Episodes] *For one thing, God didn't invent the circumcision, I did. ** Satan vs. God- Jackass Episodes] *I gotta get in term with my sexuality, I gotta know what I'm all about. **[Spermathon- Jackass Episodes] *Pedal faster! Come on, there are crocodiles in this water and I hear they'll eat anything - even plastic! **[Prostitute Boatrace- Jackass Episodes] *They say Poland is the Mexico of Europe. I don't know what that means, but I like it. **[Gumball 3000- Jackass Episodes] *There's a very good chance we could be riding each other to Russia. **[Gumball 3000- Jackass Episodes] *Hi, I'm bunny the life guard and if there's any life-saving to do I'm the man to do it ** [The Loop- Jackass Episodes] *When he's asleep, I wish he was awake, when he is awake, I wished that he is asleep **[Gumball 3000- Jackass Episodes] *Russian police. Stern, stern but fair **[Gumball 3000- Jackass Episodes] *Latvia gangsters. cool. I want to join them. **[Gumball 3000- Jackass Episodes] *I gotta come to term with my sexuality. I gotta know what I'm all about. **[Spermathon- Jackass Episodes] *My job on this show is to be naked, not kill myself." **[Tandem biking- Jackass Episodes] *Baby's cold. **[Rugby- Jackass Episodes] *Fire doesn't burn if you're already dead!" **[Satan vs. God- Jackass Episodes] *From my experiments with sexiness, seems like a lot of people are afraid at first, and fear usually equals violence. But eventually I'll win their hearts and instead of fighting they'll want to make love to me. **[Directions- Jackass Episodes] *Sir, could I trouble you for a kiss? **[Renaissance Fair- Jackass Episodes] *You're not even Mexican! **[Mexican snowboarding- Jackass Episodes] *That guy right there is the best damn roller skater ever. Maybe even in the whole town. **[Roller jump- Jackass Episodes] *I'm not into bestiality, but that's a good-looking animal. **[Alligatoramma- Jackass Episodes] *That's not Christian! **[Satan vs. God- Jackass Episodes] *Steve-O, I don't like the man... he lost! **[Stilt boxing- Jackass Episodes] == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Pontius, Chris}} [[Category:Television personalities]] [[Category:1974 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Los Angeles]] {{people-stub}} fbq898jqu0qh6m9zqidu11rxhicgh7w 0 52663 3157885 3148335 2022-08-25T16:55:42Z Ijs89000 3124205 /* The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire */ wikitext text/x-wiki ===''[[w:North by North Quahog|North by North Quahog]]''=== :'''Peter''': Everybody, I've got bad news. We've been cancelled. :'''Lois''': Oh, no! Peter, how could they do that? :'''Peter''': Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like ''[[Dark Angel]]'', ''[[Titus (TV series)|Titus]]'', ''[[Undeclared]]'', ''[[w:Action (TV series)|Action]]'', [[w:That '80s Show|''That '80s Show'']], [[w:Wonderfalls|''Wonderfalls'']], [[w:Fastlane (TV series)|''Fastlane'']], [[Andy Richter Controls the Universe|''Andy Richter Controls the Universe'']], [[w:Skin (television)|''Skin'']], [[w:Girls Club|''Girls Club'']], [[w:Cracking Up|''Cracking Up'']], [[w:The Pitts|''The Pitts'']], [[Firefly (TV series)|''Firefly'']], ''[[w:Get Real (TV series)|Get Real]]'', [[w:FreakyLinks|''FreakyLinks'']], [[w:Wanda at Large|''Wanda at Large'']], ''[[w:Costello (TV series)|Costello]]'', [[w:The Lone Gunmen|''The Lone Gunmen'']], ''[[w:A Minute With Stan Hooper|A Minute With Stan Hooper]]'', [[w:Normal, Ohio|''Normal, Ohio'']], [[w:Pasadena (TV series)|''Pasadena'']], [[w:Harsh Realm|''Harsh Realm'']], ''[[w:Keen Eddie|Keen Eddie]]'', [[w:The $treet|''The $treet'']], ''[[w:American Embassy|American Embassy]]'', ''[[w:Cedric The Entertainer|Cedric The Entertainer]]'', [[w:Tick (comics)|''The Tick'']], ''[[w:Luis Guzmán|Luis]]'' and [[Greg the Bunny|''Greg the Bunny'']]. :'''Lois''': Is there no hope? :'''Peter''': Well, I suppose if ''all'' those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tom''': In local news, a Buddy Cianci Jr. High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service, and is a very bad boy! We now we go to Ollie Williams with the Punishment Forecast. Ollie? :'''Ollie''': HE GON' GET IT! :'''Tom''': Thanks, Ollie. Now this. === ''Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High'' === :'''Mrs. Lockhart''': Good morning, class. :'''Chris and other students''': Good morning, Mrs. Lockhart. :'''Mrs. Lockhart''': I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris? :''[she holds up Chris' failed quiz in front of her chest; Chris takes a gander]'' :'''Chris''': Two Ds and an F. <hr width=50%/> :''[Lois thinks Chris has murdered Mr. Lockhart]'' :'''Lois''': No, wait a minute! I can't call the police! I have to get rid of this body, or Chris'll go to prison! And we all know what happens in those prison showers. I've seen [[Oz (TV Series)|Oz]]. :''[cut to a group of prisoners singing in the shower]'' :'''Prisoners''': ''Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there,'' :''whether you're white or bronze.'' :''A man can wash another man'' :''in the merry old land of Oz!'' === ''[[w:Blind Ambition (Family Guy)|Blind Ambition]]'' === :'''Brian''': ''[sees Brutus]'' Peter, what the hell is that? :'''Peter''': Ah, this is my seeing eye dog, Brutus. :'''Brian''': What do you need a seeing eye dog for? :'''Peter''': Well, 'cause I can't do anything for myself, Brian. I can't drive, I don't know when to cross the street, and I took a dump in a church confessional which I guess they frown upon if you're not homeless. I thought I could deal with being blind at first, but...I don't know. I-I haven't felt this out of place since that week I lived with [[w:Superman|Superman]]. :''[cut to the Fortress of Solitude in Superman]'' :'''Superman''': We must stop [[w:Lex Luthor|Lex Luthor]] before he irradiates the world's supply of gold. ''[Peter walks into the lair]'' :'''Peter''': Uh, hi, uh, sorry. I know you've got a meeting going on, but, um...so, we are officially running low on Mr. Pibb and Cheez-Its. So, um, just putting it out there. If you're heading to the store later, uh, you know, uh, 800-mile drive for me, like, five seconds for you. Whatever. I'm not here. <hr width=50%/> :'''God''': ''[talking to a woman in The Drunken Clam]'' Oh uh, let me light that for ya, babe. ''[makes a lightning bolt that lights her cigarette]'' :'''Woman''': Wow! :'''God''': Yep, magic fingers. ''[God points to her and lightning catches her body on fire and explodes]'' Jesus Christ! :'''Jesus''': What? :'''God''': Get the Escalade. We're outta here! === ''Don't Make Me Over'' === :'''Peter''': Oh, please tell me this is some kind of practical joke. Like-like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the hospital. :''[Cutaway to hospital]'' :'''Peter''': I'm afraid I have some very bad news, your wife's going to be a vegetable. You'll have to bathe her, feed her, and care for her the rest of her life. :'''Man''': Oh, my God. :'''Peter''': ''[laughs]'' No no no, I'm just kidding. She's dead. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Hey, you gotta start somewhere, fellas. That's how you evolve. Like when the tin man found out he was gay. :''[cut to a scene from [[w:The Wizard of Oz|The Wizard of Oz]]. After leaning back and forth for a while, the Tin Man falls on the Scarecrow]'' :'''Tin Man''': Oh, oh, look what happened by accident. === ''[[w:The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire|The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire]]'' === :'''Peter''': We gotta get Cleveland and Loretta back together, and I know just how to do it. To the Hindenpeter! ''[runs from the kitchen and flies the Hindenpeter which crashes into the Swanson family's yard again]'' :'''Joe''': '''OH, MY GOD!!!!''' :'''Peter''': Joe, I am so sorry. :'''Joe''': How can you afford these things?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter''': All right, Cleveland. If this doesn't light a fire in your belly, nothin' will. :''[he puts on a Quagmire mask]'' :'''Peter''': Hey! Look at me! I'm Quagmire. I had sex with your wife. Giggity, Giggity, Giggity, Giggity! :''[Cleveland laughs]'' :'''Cleveland''': Those are so his mannerisms. ''[laughs]'' :'''Brian''': Peter, what the hell are you doing? :'''Peter''': I'm not Peter. I'm Quagmire. And I'm doin' you, Loretta. :''[he puts a Loretta mask on Brian]'' :'''Brian''': What the hell? :''[the two act out Quagmire having sex with Loretta; they shout inaudibly, much to Cleveland's anger; Cleveland growls, grabs the Quagmire mask, and splits it in half]'' :'''Cleveland''': Glenn Quagmire, YOU'RE DEAD!! === ''[[w:Petarded|Petarded]]'' === :'''Lois''': Well, now that the mess is all cleaned up and we're back from the emergency room, it's time for the last game of the night, Trivial Pursuit. :'''Peter''': Oh, man, I hate Trivial Pursuit. It always makes me feel so stupid. :'''Brian''': More stupid than that time you locked your keys out of the car? :''[cut to Peter sitting in his car]'' :'''Peter''': Damn it. Hey, hey! Somebody! Hey! ''[a man walks by the car]'' Hey, sir! Sir! Sir, you see those keys there? Sir? Sir-oh, screw you! ''[shifts a bent piece of a hanger out of the window. He manages to hook his keys onto it, but the hanger falls off and out of the car; Peter wails]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Judge''': In fact, if I could, I would put you in a place where you would be removed from the general public. Perhaps locked in a big, secure building with other dangerous people for a pre-determined period of time, based on the nature and degree of your offense. Unfortunately, as far as I know, no such place exists. So, I have no choice but to set you free. :'''Peter''': Does that mean I get my kids back? :'''Judge''': Absolutely not! Case closed! ''[bangs his gavel]'' :'''Peter''': Oh, crap! ''[to the judge]'' Oh, it was prison you were thinking of. Prison. :'''Judge''': Aw, I already banged the hammer. === ''[[w:Brian the Bachelor|Brian the Bachelor]]'' === :''[Lois tries to feed Stewie "aeroplane-style" and he knocks the spoon from her hand]'' :'''Stewie''': Well, I guess the pilot must have been JFK Jr. ''(realizes what he just said):'' Ugh, even ''I'' found that to be in bad taste. <hr width=50%> :'''Mrs. Quagmire''': Glenn, would you feed Mittens? :'''Quagmire''': Mittens has food in his bowl! :'''Mrs. Quagmire''': That's old food! ''[Mittens meows]'' :'''Quagmire''': Mittens, shut up! Mittens, SHUT UP! :'''Mrs. Quagmire''': Don't you talk to Mittens that way! Mittens is a member of this family! :'''Quagmire''': Mom, you want this three-way to happen, you're gonna have to change your tone! === ''8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter'' === :'''Meg''': God, I don't think I could've been any clearer the last time I turned him down. :''[cut to the set of [[Everybody Loves Raymond]]]'' :'''Debra''': Ray, your mother insulted my steak pizzola. Again! :'''Meg''': ''[walks on the set]'' Neil Goldman of Quahog, Rhode Island, leave me alone! I hate you! I HATE YOU!! ''[leaves]'' :'''Debra''': Anyway, your mother insulted-- :'''Ray''': I don't care anymore, Patty. After 9 seasons, I just don't care. Maybe you could try not being a bitch. :''[Debra smashes a bottle and points it at her husband while he backs away]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Liddane''': ''(in tears)'' I'm sorry, Stewie. I'm just upset. Jeremy stopped calling me! :'''Stewie''': He what?! That blackguard! Oh, come here. Lemme just-- Lemme just hold you for a while. :''(the two comfort each other, but Stewie touches Liddane's left breast; Liddane reacts, then slaps Stewie)'' :'''Liddane''': Stewie! No! That is a bad place to touch! No! No, no, no, no, no. No! :'''Stewie''': But... But... But... But I... I... You... I... I... ''(wails like a real baby)'' :'''Liddane''': No more T.V.! :'''Stewie''': Well, how about no more job?! Hmm? You hear that, Miss Fussybritches?! I shall see you fired! Damn you! I thought we were going to go all the way and die together like Hitler and Eva Braun. === ''[[w:Breaking Out Is Hard to Do|Breaking Out Is Hard to Do]]'' === :'''Brian''': Uh, hey, uh, Bonnie, uh, listen, why don't you stop with the questions, huh? You're-you're ruining everyone's good time. Like Peter did when he used to entertain terminally-ill kids. :''[cut to Peter in a hospital with four kids in beds]'' :'''Peter''': Hi there, how 'yall doing? Alright, so I'm at the DMV the other day. Long lines, long lines at the DMV, but, uh, you'll all find out about that when you get ol- ''[the kids stare at him]'' Oh, uh, moving on. So I finally tried Viagra, and- ''[hears a kid moaning; Peter walks up to his bed]'' Oh, we got a joker in the audience there. You uh, you got something you wanna say there, uh, Mr. Heckler? :'''Kid''': Dying hurts! :'''Peter''': Tell me about it. So, anyway, who hates flying? === ''Model Misbehavior'' === :'''Peter''': So, uh, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the, uh, big race is tomorrow, eh? Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men to help you with your boat. :'''Carter''': Are you calling me gay? :'''Peter''': No. No. I just-I just thought you might want some extra seamen on your, uh, on-on-on your poopdeck. ''[Carter punches Peter in the face, knocking him off his chair]''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Founding Father 1''': Well, I can't decide what to call this place. :'''Founding Father 2''': We'll flip a coin. :'''Founding Father 1''': All right. Heads: Rhode Island. Tails: Cockapoopoopeepeeshire. ===''[[w:Peter's Got Woods|Peter's Got Woods]]''=== :'''Stewie''': ''[reads [[The Da Vinci Code]]]'' Oh, yes, just as I thought. France... art... murder?! Well, this is a bigger surprise than that time Peter vanished into thin air. :''[cut to Peter playing Peek-a-boo with Stewie]'' :'''Peter''': Hey, Stewie. Peek-a-boo! :'''Stewie''': Yes, I see you, fat man. :'''Peter''': ''[gasps]'' Where's Daddy? ''[covers eyes]'' :'''Stewie''': What? ''[looks around]'' Where did you go?! Oh, this is impossible! I-I-I can hear you, but I can't see. Well, he must really be gone. ''[starts picking his nose]'' :'''Peter''': ''[removes hands from eyes]'' Peek-a-boo! :'''Stewie''': Ahh! How the hell did you do that?! Look, I thought you disappeared, otherwise I wouldn't have picked my- ''[Peter covers his eyes again]'' Oh, great. Leave when I'm right in the middle of a sentence. ===''The Perfect Castaway''=== :''[Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire float on a raft after the storm]'' :'''Joe''': We've been out here for days. I'm starving. :''[Peter eats something]'' :'''Quagmire''': Hey, what's that? :'''Peter''': ''[stops]'' What? :'''Cleveland''': You're eatin' somethin'! :'''Joe''': You bastard! You have food?! :'''Peter''': I don't know what you're talkin' about. :'''Joe''': Gimme that! :''[he and Peter fight over what Peter has been eating until Joe screams at what he has seen; Cleveland and Quagmire shout in shock]'' :'''Joe''': Peter! You've been eating my legs?! :'''Peter''': Yeah. See, now, this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this. :'''Joe''': What the hell is wrong with you?!! :'''Peter''': Look, look, Joe, I...! :'''Joe''': YOU'VE BEEN EATING ME!! :'''Peter''': Okay. You know what? Let's agree to disagree. <hr width=50%/> :''[Peter, Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire exit their cruise ship and return to Quahog]'' :'''Joe''': Well, that was a great cruise. :'''Peter''': Yeah. The buffet was great! :'''Cleveland''': And I enjoyed shootin' Skeet. :''[two men carry an incapacitated Skeet Ulrich on a stretcher]'' :'''Man''': Don't worry, Mr. Ulrich. We'll get you to the hospital. :'''Ulrich''': ''[to Cleveland; in pain and anger]'' You bastard! :'''Cleveland''': There's nothin' good about what you do or who you are. === ''[[wikipedia:Jungle Love (Family Guy)|Jungle Love]]''=== :'''Unemployer''': Turns out there's a job opening at the Pawtucket Brewery. :'''Peter''': Wow, that sounds even better than when I got paid to take part in that study. :''[cut to two doctors in a small window]'' :'''Doctor''': Hmm. The only one who couldn't finish the puzzle is the fat one. ''[screen turns to Peter on a desk and three bears in others]'' :'''Peter''': I'm sorry, I can't see what you're going for here. What, hey, let me look at- ''[turns to see the puzzle, a jar of jam]'' Oh, it's a jar of preserves. Oh. Yeah, I guess that's what all the red pieces were... <hr width=50%/> :'''Lois''': Oh, I wonder how your father's first day of work went. :''[Peter drives up to the kitchen window and beeps the car horn]'' :'''Meg''': Dad? What the hell are you doing!? :'''Peter''': ''[drunk]'' Uh, yeah, hey buddy. Uh, I'll have a triple cheese-burger and a large fries and uh...do you sell pants? ===''[[w:PTV (Family Guy)|PTV]]''=== :''[Peter and Brian watch TV]'' :'''Announcer''': And now, stay tuned for ''[[Three's Company]]''. :''[the television shows ''[[Three's Company]]'']'' :'''Chrissy''': Jack, are you out there? I wanna show you my new bikini. :''[her top is blacked out]'' :'''Peter''': What the hell?! Why they blockin' out all the good stuff? :''[he switches to another station showing ''[[The Dick Van Dyke Show]]'']'' :'''Announcer''': It's ''The ''[bleep]'' Van ''[bleep]'' Show'', starring ''[bleep]'' Van ''[bleep]''. :'''Peter''': They're messin' with my shows! :'''Brian''': Come to think of it, there was something very different about that ''Honeymooners'' episode I watched today. :''[flashback to said episode of said program]'' :'''Ralph''': One of these days, Alice, one of these days,...! :'''Dubbed voice''': ''[over Ralph's line: "Pow! Right to the moon!"]'' I'm gonna help stimulate the economy by buying an American car. :''[back to the present]'' :'''Brian''': This must be the FCC overreacting to the David Hyde Pierce incident. They're censoring anything that might be viewed as unpleasant. :'''Peter''': What the hell?! They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV, and she looks like a foot. Well, mark my words, I'm gonna fight this! <hr width=50%> :''[Peter starts his broadcast of PTV]'' :'''Peter''': Hi, there. I'm Peter Griffin, and you're watchin' PTV, where you get to watch your favorite shows as nature intended them, with all the sex, violence, swearing, and farts intact. Like the episode of ''All in the Family'' where Archie got the Jeffersons to move. :''[he shows a clip of said episode of All in the Family; Archie burns down a cross in front of George's house]'' :'''Archie''': Time for you to move there, Jefferson! :'''Edith''': Oh, Archie! I can't see outta my sheet! :'''Archie''': Edith, will ya stifle yourself? We're supposed to be incognitus! :''[cut back to PTV]'' :'''Peter''': And who could forget that classic episode of ''The Waltons''? :''[he shows a clip of said episode of The Waltons]'' :'''Mary Ellen''': Good night, Jim-Bob. :'''Jim-Bob''': Good night, Mary Ellen. Good night, Pa. :'''Pa''': Good night, Jim-Bob. Good night, Elizabeth. :'''Elizabeth''': Good night, Pa. Good night, Ma. :'''Ma''': Good night, Elizabeth. Good night, John-Boy. ''[silence]'' Good night, John-Boy. :''[she walks up to John-Boy's door and opens it]'' :'''Ma''': John-Boy? :'''John-Boy''': Damn it! Can't a guy masturbate in this house? === ''[[w:Brian Goes Back to College|Brian Goes Back to College]]'' === :''[Peter shoots at the ceiling of the living room. Part of it falls down; Chris falls through it and onto the floor]'' :'''Chris''': Hi, Dad! :'''Peter''': Go to your room. :'''Chris''': Okay. ''[heads upstairs and falls through to the floor again]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter''': You know, I thought I could help people with this whole [[w:The A-Team|A-Team]] thing, but it turns out I'm as useless as that nude ''[[w:Playboy|Playboy]]'' spread of [[w:Deborah Gibson|Debbie Gibson]]. It's like, "Yeah, she's naked, but who gives a shit?" === ''[[w:The Courtship of Stewie's Father|The Courtship of Stewie's Father]]'' === :'''Tom''': We now go live to Ollie Williams, in the Channel 5 Traffic Copter. What's the scene, Ollie? :''[Cut to Ollie riding a helicopter]'' :'''Ollie''': Everybody looks like ants! :'''Tom''': Probably because you're up so high. Coming up next, an exclusive interview with Andrew Shue. :'''Stewie''': Hey, hey Dad, Dad. Pull my finger. ''[holds his finger out, Peter pulls it]'' Wait... ''[farts]'' Oh, sounded like a peeptoad! But it's not summer! :''[Lois angrily comes into the house, dripping wet, hyperventilating with rage and covered in seaweed and leeches]'' :'''Peter''': Hey, Drippy, you're back! What's for dinner? <hr width=50%/> :'''Brian''': Aw, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer ya up. :'''Peter''': Nah. I don't think I'm in the mood. :'''Brian''': Are ya sure? ''[leaves, then comes back with a banana suit; sings and dances]'' :It's [[w:Peanut Butter Jelly Time|Peanut Butter Jelly Time]]! :Peanut Butter Jelly Time! :Peanut Butter Jelly Time! :Where he at?! :Where he at?! :Where he at?! :Where he at?! :Now, there he go! :There he go! :There he go! :There he go! :Peanut Butter Jelly! :Peanut Butter Jelly! :Peanut Butter Jelly! :Peanut Butter Jelly! :'''Peter''': Sorry, Brian. It's just not doin' it today. ''[leaves]'' :'''Brian''': ''[continues singing and dancing]'' Do the Peanut Butter Jelly! :Peanut Butter Jelly! :Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat! :Peanut Butter Jelly! :Peanut Butter Jelly! :Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat! ===''[[w:The Fat Guy Strangler|The Fat Guy Strangler]]''=== :''[Lois is watching ''[[w:The Price Is Right|The Price Is Right]]'' on TV]'' :'''[[w:Bob Barker|Barker]]''': All right, let's start the bidding. Jennifer, how much do you bid on the dinette set? :'''Jennifer''': Um... $675, Bob. :'''Barker''': $675. Stephen? :'''Stephen''': Uh, $780. :'''Barker''': $780. Tammy? :'''Tammy''': What was the last bid? :'''Barker''': $780. :'''Tammy''': $781. :'''Stephen''': Fuck you! <hr width=50%/> :''[Brian and Stewie are joking about Marian]'' :'''Stewie''': Hey, Brian. Marian just called you an alcoholic. :'''Brian''': Oh, yeah? Marian just called you a homo. :'''Stewie''': Wait a second. I'll be right back. ''[leaves, then returns with a cucumber]'' Hey, Brian, Brian. What if I put this cucumber right here? Put the cucumber right there. Do you think Patrick would be angry? :''[both laugh]'' :'''Brian''': I don't know, man. It's his wife. :'''Stewie''': You don't think he'd be ticked off if I put this... Just put that right there? Just right in that spot, right there on the couch? :'''Brian''': ''[laughing]'' Hey, Marian's giving you a thumb's up. ''[laughs]'' :'''Stewie''': You know what we should do? We should let it sit here for a couple of weeks and see if it pickles. :''[both laugh]'' :'''Stewie''': If after three weeks, it pickles, then she's real, and we both have to buy Patrick a steak. :''[both laugh, harder]'' === ''[[w:The Father, the Son, and the Holy Fonz|The Father, the Son, and the Holy Fonz]]'' === :'''Announcer''': And now back to "Jaws V: Fire Island". :''(in the movie, 2 men are wading in the water)'' :'''Mark''': You think we should be this far out? :'''Other Man''': Stop worrying, Mark. We'll be fine. :'''Jaws''': ''[sounds like Bruce]'' Hey. I'm gonna eat y'all. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that one, too. Oh, I can see right up dem shorts! I got a whole bunch of rows of teeth to chew you with. ''(hums his theme)'' Oh, now wait a minute. I did have a chubby kid on a raft earlier today. It's okay, though. I've been swimmin' a lot lately. ''[eats the two men]'' Mmm, yummy. Mmm. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter''': ''[prays to Fonzie]'' Fonzie, if this be your will, please give me a sign. :''[the doorbell rings; Peter opens it; inside comes Lindsay Lohan, nude and walking like a crab]'' :'''Lohan''': Hi. I'm Lindsay Lohan. This is how a crab walks. :'''Peter''': ''[amazed]'' It sure is! Fonzie be praised! === ''[[w:Brian Sings and Swings|Brian Sings and Swings]]'' === :''[at the Quahog Market's 10 items-or-less express lane]'' :'''Bruce''': I definitely need a breath freshener. Ooh, but that's gonna give me 11 items. :'''Cashier''': That's fine. :'''Bruce''': No, no, no. Rules is rules. Let's see what I'm gonna put back. Okay, I need the [[w:aluminum foil|Reynolds Wrap]] and the bathroom tissue. I could do without the Triscuits, but they sure are good. ''[Stewie, behind him in line, sighs]'' 7 Up's the whole reason I came down here in the first place. You know what, I'm not gonna need the V8, 'cause I can just get some tomato juice at the mini-mart down the street. It's a little more expensive, but that's okay. I like to help out a small business. I hope it's okay if I pay in pennies. ''[dumps a whole bag of pennies on the counter]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': ''[after finding a drunk Brian sitting by a fire hydrant]'' Oh, God, a gutter? How cliché! :'''Brian''': I don't know what went wrong. I was just trying to live for the moment, you know? 'Cause life can end so abruptly and there's nothing you can do to stop it. :'''Stewie''': Is that why you've been on this path to self-destruction? You know, Brian, as smart as you are, you've just got to accept the fact that there are some things in life you just can't control. :'''Brian''': You mean, the way you can't control that messed up way that you laugh when you think something is really, really funny? :''[cut to a scene of Stewie and Brian watching ''[[w:Hope & Faith|Hope & Faith]]'', with Stewie laughing differently than usual]'' :'''Stewie''': Yes, and I accept that. Your problem is you think that just because you're not in control, nothing matters. Th-that YOU don't matter. But you know what? You matter to someone. ''[voice breaks]'' You matter big time. ''[runs off]'' ===''[[w:Patriot Games (Family Guy)|Patriot Games]]''=== :'''Peter''': All right, now listen up, you limey bum sniffers! If we're gonna beat the New England Patriots next week, I got to toughen you up. So you're gonna get into shape the way American athletes do. By taking steroids. <hr width=50%> :'''Tom''': Diane didn't your first husband blow his brains out? :'''Diane''': Oh, God! ''(cries uncontrollably)'' :'''Tom''': Coming up: America's hottest new curse word "Kleeman", We'll tell you what it means after this. <hr width=50%> :'''Brian''': ''[coming out of the shower, opens door]'' Stewie? Uh, hey. :'''Stewie''': Hey there. So, uh, it's been 24 hours. Got my money? :'''Brian''': You know what, give me till next Friday, I'll have it for you. :'''Stewie''': Huh. Oh, that's funny. I could've sworn I said have it today. :'''Brian''': Yeah, I don't have it, sorry. :'''Stewie''': Oh, well, alright then. ''[drinks orange juice]'' Mmm, that's good O.J. ''[smashes the glass on Brian's head]'' :'''Brian''': Aaagh! Aaagh!! :'''Stewie''': Yeah, that hurt? :'''Brian''': Aaaargh! :'''Stewie''': That hurt? :'''Brian''': What the hell?! :'''Stewie''': Yeah, that doesn't feel so good, does it? No, huh? [punches Brian] Yeah, that's what happens, man! :'''Brian''': Oh, my God! :'''Stewie''': Yeah, that's what happens. ''[punches Brian again]'' Where's my money?! Are you gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man?! ''[Brian coughs up blood, Stewie gets towel rack, continuously hits him with it]'' Where's the money, man?! Yeah, you like that?! That feels good?! ''[holds his head in toilet water, Brian starts screaming more and Stewie takes him out of the toilet]'' Where's my money, man?! Where's my money?! You got till five o'clock. Do you hear me?! You got till 5 o'clock! :'''Brian''': You freakin' psychopath! :'''Stewie''': Yeah, clean yourself up. <hr width=50%> :'''Brian''': [incognito] Mornin'. :'''Stewie''': Good day to you, sir. Wait a minute! What the hell?! :'''Brian''': Oh-h-h-h-- [Stewie pushes down the stairs] Aaargh! Oh-ow-ow-ugh! Ohh... [Stewie hits his head with the golf club] Argh! :'''Stewie''': Getting real tired of you ducking me, man! :'''Brian''': Oh, my God! :'''Stewie''': Yeah, getting real tired. :'''Brian''': Oof! Arg-argh! :'''Stewie''': Where's my money?! Where's my money?! Yeah, you got money to pay for fake mustaches, huh? Yeah, huh? How much did you pay for that fake mustache? :'''Brian''': $2.99. [Stewie shoots his left knee] Aaah!! Ow! Oh! Oh..! Listen, you gotta give me more...[Stewie shoots his right knee] Aaargh! :'''Stewie''': Don't make a fool outta me, man. Don't make a fool out of me. I want my money. I want my money, man! :'''Brian''': Stewie, listen, this is crazy, you're...Oh, my God! [Stewie shoots his flamethrower at him] Aaarrgghhh! Aaaagghh..! [the flames extinguish themselves] All right, let's go to the bank. === ''[[w:I Take Thee Quagmire|I Take Thee Quagmire]]'' === :''[scene from "[[w:Wheel of Fortune|Wheel of Fortune]]"]'' :'''[[Pat Sajak]]''': All right, Peter, you've made it to the bonus round, congratulations. :'''Peter''': Thanks, Regis. :'''Sajak''': Okay, the category is "Actor and Show," so we need five consonants and a vowel. :'''Peter''': Uh, okay, um... Z, 4, Q... another Q... uh... a third Q, and the [[w:Batman|Batman]] symbol. :'''Sajak''': Okay, no help there. 15 seconds if you wanna take a shot at it. Talk it out. :'''Peter''': Is it [[w:Alex Karras|Alex Karras]] in ''[[w:Webster (TV series)|Webster]]?'' ''[the whole puzzle is revealed]'' :'''Sajak''': ''(in the state of shock)'' I... don't... believe it! :'''Peter''': Oh, my God! I just took a shot in the dark! Holy crap! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that. :'''Sajak''': That's you. :'''Peter''': Oh, oh, embarrassing. Eh, okay. Well in that case, I'll take the rest on a gift certificate. :''[at home]'' :'''Lois''': Oh, sweetie, you look so handsome on TV! :'''Brian''': I can't believe you actually won! But I suppose it's not the strangest thing I've seen on a game show...like when [[Adam West]] was on "[[Jeopardy!]]". :''[cut to "[[Jeopardy!]]"]'' :'''[[Alex Trebek|Trebek]]''': All right, players, the answer once again is, "It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response? ''[Adam reveals his response; Trebek reads closely]'' "Kebert Xela." ''[groans; disappears]'' :'''West''': Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension where he belongs. === ''[[w:Sibling Rivalry (Family Guy)|Sibling Rivalry]]'' === :''[Suddenly, a throwing star comes out of nowhere and misses him by inches. Stewie is seen having just entered the tent, brandishing a sword]'' :'''Bertram''': Stewie! You're alive! :'''Stewie''': Yes, Bertram, I'm alive. And I think you'll find all your guards quite incapacitated. :'''Bertram''': You have an annoying habit of turning up when you're not welcome! :'''Stewie''': Well, when I'm done with you, you're going to hate me more than the other vowels hate Y. :''[cut to a business meeting with A, E, I, O, and U.]'' :'''A''': If you'll turn to page 34 of your blue books, you'll see our projections for next quarter, ''[Y enters, talking on his cell phone]'' which I can tell are... :'''Y''': Okay, okay. Yeah, alright. Okay, you know what, I'm in a meeting, I'll call you back. ''[hangs up]'' :'''E''': Well, well, well, look who decided to show up. :'''Y''': So, what are we talking about here? :'''U''': Well, before you- ''[Y's phone rings]'' :'''Y''': Oh, I'm sorry. ''[answers]'' F! What's up? No, no, I can talk. <hr width=50%/> : '''Dr. Hartman''': ''(after Lois has recovered from her heart attack)'' Well, Mrs. Griffin, you rest up for a few days, and you'll be just fine. :'''Lois''': Thank you, Doctor. I've realized now that eating is not the way to solve my problems. You hear that, Meg? :'''Meg''': For your information, Mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better? : '''Lois''': Chris, we all love your hat. :'''Chris''': Thanks, Mom! ''[to Dr. Hartman]'' Hey, doc, what did you do with my mom's fat? :'''Dr. Hartman''': Well, we stored it all in this storage room. ''[opens up a closet to show Peter with his pants off kissing a bag of fat]'' :'''Peter''': Uhhhh, it's exactly what it looks like. === ''[[w:Deep Throats|Deep Throats]]'' === :'''Brian''': Thank you for coming, Deep Throat. :'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[hides in the shadows]'' You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face. :'''Brian''': Uh...okay. :'''Kermit''': Mayor West hasn't slept at home for 3 nights. :'''Brian''': ''[recognizing him]'' Kermit the Frog? :'''Kermit''': ''[gasps]'' Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm gettin' outta here! ''[flees from the scene]'' YAAAAAAAAAAY!!! :'''Stewie''': What's his appeal? <hr width=50%/> :'''Meg''': I have to tell you something, Adam. :'''West''': You're an alien. I know. ===''[[w:Peterotica|Peterotica]]''=== :'''[[w:Kool-Aid Man|Kool-Aid Man]]''': ''[after a car crashes into his house]'' Wow. You know, from the other side that's kind of annoying. <hr width=50%> :'''[[w:Betty White|White]]''': Hi, I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible. ===''[[w:You May Now Kiss the...Uh...Guy Who Receives|You May Now Kiss the...Uh...Guy Who Receives]]''=== :'''Chris''': She's so pretty that if your [[w:Hacky Sack|Hacky Sack]] were my private parts, I'd let her do that to them. :'''Classmate''': What? Kick them around? :'''Chris''': Um, wait...yes. <hr width=50%> :''[actor Matthew McConaughey, soaking wet, enters the Griffin residence]'' :'''Chris''': Matthew McConaughey? :'''McConaughey''': Yeah, I'm lookin' for a guy named Stewie. :''[Stewie shoots an arrow through his left eye; McConaughey collapses; Stewie grabs him]'' :'''Stewie''': Chris, grab his legs! I gotta bury this thing. :'''Chris''': But I... :'''Stewie''': Grab his God damn legs! :''[Chris does so, and both brothers carry McConaughey out of the house]'' ===''[[w:Petergeist|Petergeist]]''=== :'''Bruce''': ''[as a spiritual guide]'' Lois, I told you, it ain't safe! :'''Peter''': I'll tell you what's not safe: Going hunting with [[Dick Cheney]]. :''[cut to Peter and Cheney in a meadow with shotguns]'' :'''Peter''': So, y'all set to go hunting? ''[Cheney shoots him about ten times. Peter screams each time until he falls on the ground]'' :'''Cheney''': Sorry, I thought you were a deer. <hr width=50%> :''[Carrot Top runs out of the hall of mirrors after tricking Peter, but the latter comes out successfully, much to the former's surprise]'' :'''Carrot Top''': What the hell? How did you find me? :'''Peter''': ''[shows Carrot Top a saw wearing glasses]'' I found this saw with glasses on it. :'''Carrot Top''': ''[takes the saw]'' Oh, that's my "See"-saw. :''[Peter laughs]'' :'''Peter''': Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You are so fucking funny! You are so-- Goddamn you for being so funny! ''[laughs again]'' Oh, my God! ===''[[w:Untitled Griffin Family History|Untitled Griffin Family History]]''=== :''[Peter uses flare gun and gives out parachutes]'' :'''Lois''': Peter, these are parachutes! What the hell are we going to do with parachutes? :''[Scene shifts to Peter in a scuba suit]'' :'''Peter''': They were to distract you while I put on the one scuba suit. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter inhales in the scuba suit, and coughs]'' :'''Peter''': That wasn't oxygen, that was a tank of Tony Danza's breath! I wonder who got my oxygen tank. :''[Scene shifts to another house, the mailbox reads "Judith Light"]'' :'''Light''': ''[with a life-sized hay-stuffed doll with Tony Danza's face on it]'' Kiss me, Tony. I want your breath inside me. ''[kisses the doll, inhales]'' Hey! ===''[[w:Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story|Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story]]''=== '''''Pre-Movie''''' :'''Tricia''': Tom, tonight the stars are out for a special sneak preview of a straight-to-DVD feature that will soon be in the $3.99 bin at your local car wash. Here comes Mayor Adam West himself. Mr. West, do you have any words for our viewers? :'''West''': Box, toaster, aluminum, maple syrup...no, I take that one back. I'm going to hold on to that one. '''''[[w:Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story|Stewie B. Goode]]''''' :'''Peter''': You know what really grinds my gears? People in the 19th century. Why don't they get with the freakin' program? It's called an automobile, folks! It's much faster than a horse! ''(the station manager hands him a note)'' Oh. Well, it appears I've been fired. Well, as long as I'm no longer workin' here, let me tell you somethin': You know what ''really'' grinds my gears? YOU, America! ''(points at camera)'' FUCK YOU!! Diane? ''(security takes him away)'' '''''[[w:Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story|Bango Was His Name Oh!]]''''' :'''Lois''': Chris, you've gotta learn how to talk to girls! So I'll ask you again. What are the names of the women on ''[[Sex and the City]]''? ''[camera zooms out to reveal Chris standing in a tub of water with his hands tied above him]'' :'''Chris''': Uh...Carrie,... Miranda... uh, Samantha... and... uh... Scrappy-Doo? :'''Lois''': Hit him, Endo! ''[a man takes 2 sponges attached to electrical wire and touches them to Chris]'' :'''Chris''': ''[screams]'' Uh, Bosley? Uh, Tootie? Uh, Sheena Easton? ''[screams again]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[in a commercial with [[w:Wilford Brimley|Wilford Brimley]]]'' :'''Brimley''': Hi. I'm Wilford Brimley, and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee, and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day, I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And 2 weeks ago, I ran outta vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. And then I find out my wife's been dead for 6 years. Who the hell did I hit?! :'''Narrator''': This message brought to you by the National Diabetes Association. '''''[[w:Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story|Stu and Stewie's Excellent Adventure]]''''' :'''Stewie''': ''[to Stu]'' You listen to me, Stewart Griffin! You march in there right now and... ''[reads from The Joy of Sex]'' "insert your phallus into her vag-in-a." Go! <hr width=50%/> '''''Post-Movie''''' :'''Tricia''': Peter, how do you respond to the accusations that you were responsible for the series cancellation? :'''Peter''': Well, the show had been on for a while, and uh, I was talking to [[w:Alan Alda|Alan Alda]], and, uh, he said the same thing that, uh, Doc Cosby told me: That it was ''my'' face out there, and I should take creative control. So I did. And we pushed the envelope creatively, and I stand by my work. :''[cut to Lois and Cleveland dancing to tribal-like music. Cleveland is holding a bleeding chicken]'' :'''Cleveland''': Peter, can we cut? This isn't working for me. :'''Peter''': Hey, who yells "cut", Cleveland?! The only one who yells "cut" is the director! :'''Cleveland''': Look, if you want me to fuck this chick, I'll fuck her, but don't make me go through all this bullshit. You're showin' a real ugly side, Griffin! :''[Stewie walks in wearing a tribal skirt and a drum]'' :'''Stewie''': Did I miss my cue? :''[in the bar]'' :'''Peter''': Although I probably pushed things too far when I did the incest episode. :''[cut to Lois sitting on the couch; Chris walks in]'' :'''Chris''': ''[nervously]'' Oh, uh...hi, Mom. :'''Lois''': ''[in a shaky voice]'' Hi, Chris... ''[they both have a shameful look on their faces]'' :'''Brian''': ''[in the kitchen with his head down, pounding his fist on the table everytime he says 'wrong']'' WRONG! It's WRONG! :'''Tricia''': Peter, is there anything else you want to say? :'''Peter''': Yeah, I got something to say. ''[stands on a stool]'' You know, we kid around a lot here, but the truth is, we care about each other. And we're excited to be back, because we wanna address some serious issues and, you know, do something we can all be proud of. ''[Peter farts; everyone laughs]'' :'''Lois''': ''[laughs]'' Oh, Peter. :'''Peter''': Hehehehehe! Still got it! ''[the scene freezes, and the camera zooms out to reveal the Griffins' living room, where the scene is shown on a TV]'' :'''Peter''': That was me. I used to think flatulence was something to laugh about. Truth is, 300,000,000 Americans a day expel gas through their anus. To learn more about flatulence, you can visit my ass. ''[farts again, then laughs]'' Just yankin' ya. ''[scene fades to black for a moment, then back in again; Peter farts once more]'' == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0182576|title=Family Guy}} * [http://www.familyguy.com FamilyGuy.com] * [http://www.messengertools.net/Family-Guy-Quotes-1.html Family Guy Quotes] * [http://www.familyguyquotes.com FamilyGuyQuotes.com] * [http://familyguy-cartoon.blogspot.com/ Family Guy Resources] [[Category:Family Guy seasons]] [[ru:Гриффины/Четвёртый сезон]] mt7clf27l2zps9e1bhk7972ieou8emi 0 55790 3157892 3152937 2022-08-25T17:04:16Z 50.201.197.214 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:02 Thomas Jefferson 3x4.jpg|thumb|We are not afraid to follow [[truth]] wherever it may lead, nor to [[tolerate]] any [[error]] so long as [[reason]] is left [[free]] to combat it.]] '''[[w:Thomas Jefferson|Thomas Jefferson]]''' ([[13 April]] [[1743]] – [[4 July]] [[1826]]) was author of the [[United States Declaration of Independence|Declaration of Independence]] (1776) and the [😝😝😝😝😝😝😝😝😝😝😝😝😝😝😝😝Statute for Religious Freedom|Virginia Statute for Religious Freedom]] (1777), founder of the [[w:University of Virginia|University of Virginia]] (1819), the third [[w:President of the United States|president of the United States]] (1801–1809), a political philosopher, editor of [[w:Jefferson's Bible|Jefferson's Bible]] (1819), and one of the most influential [[w:Founding Fathers of the United States|founders of the United States]]. : See also: :: '''''[[United States Declaration of Independence]]''''' (1776) :: '''''[[Notes on the State of Virginia]]''''' (1781–1785) == Quotes == [[File:Jefferson statue detail North Grounds UVa.jpg|thumb|If I am to [[succeed]], the sooner I [[know]] it, the less uneasiness I shall have to go through. If I am to meet with a disappointment, the sooner I know it, the more of [[life]] I shall have to wear it off.]] [[File:Thomas Jefferson by John Trumbull.jpg|thumb|The most fortunate of us, in our journey through [[life]], frequently meet with calamities and misfortunes which may greatly afflict us; and, to fortify our [[minds]] against the attacks of these calamities and misfortunes, should be one of the principal studies and endeavours of our lives.]] [[File:Minute Man.JPG|thumb|As to the species of exercise, I advise the gun. While this gives a moderate exercise to the body, it gives boldness, enterprise, and independence to the mind.]] [[File:AdoptionOf13thAmendment.jpg|thumb|I congratulate you, my dear friend, on the law of your state for suspending the importation of slaves, and for the glory you have justly acquired by endeavoring to prevent it forever. This abomination must have an end, and there is a superior bench reserved in heaven for those who hasten it.]] [[File:Official medallion of the British Anti-Slavery Society (1795).jpg|thumb|The abolition of domestic slavery is the great object of desire in those colonies where it was unhappily introduced in their infant state. But previous to the infranchisement of the slaves we have, it is necessary to exclude all further importations... Yet our repeated attempts to effect this by prohibitions, and by imposing duties which might amount to a prohibition, have been hitherto defeated by his majesty's negative: thus preferring the immediate advantages of a few British corsairs.]] [[File:Spanish North America.png|thumb|Spanish is most important to an American... Besides this the antient part of American history is written chiefly in Spanish.]] [[File:George W.Bush and José María Aznar handshake 2001-06-12.jpg|thumb|Our connection with Spain is already important and will become daily more so.]] [[File:Peace Arch, U.S.-Canada border.jpg|thumb|We shall form to the American union a barrier against the dangerous extension of the British Province of Canada and add to the Empire of liberty an extensive and fertile Country thereby converting dangerous Enemies into valuable friends.]] [[File:Cicatrices de flagellation sur un esclave.jpg|thumb|What a stupendous, what an incomprehensible machine is man! Who can endure toil, famine, stripes, imprisonment and death itself in vindication of his own liberty, and the next moment, be deaf to all those motives whose powers supported him through his trial, and inflict on his fellow men a bondage, one hour of which is fraught with more misery than ages of that which he rose in rebellion to oppose.]] [[File:Chief Justice John Roberts presides over the impeachment trial of Donald Trump.jpg|thumb|An ''[[elective]] [[despotism]]'' was not the [[government]] we fought for.]] [[File:Jefferson Memorial with Cherry Blossom.jpg|thumb|[[Virtue]] is not long [[darkened]] by the [[clouds]] of calumny.]] [[File:Flickr - USCapitol - Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826).jpg|thumb|When a man assumes a public [[trust]], he should consider himself as public property, and justly liable to the inspection and vigilance of public [[opinion]]...]] [[File:Kurz & Allison - Battle of Antietam.jpg|thumb|Can the liberties of a nation be thought secure when we have removed their only firm basis, a conviction in the minds of the people that these liberties are of the gift of God? That they are not to be violated but with his wrath? Indeed I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just: that his justice cannot sleep forever.]] [[File:ConfederateCabinet.jpg|thumb|In a warm climate, no man will labour for himself who can make another labour for him. This is so true, that of the proprietors of slaves a very small proportion indeed are ever seen to labour.]] [[File:Flag of Europe.svg|thumb|Manners and opinions change with the change of circumstances, institutions must advance also, and keep pace with the times. We might as well require a man to wear still the coat which fitted him when a boy, as civilized society to remain ever under the regimen of their barbarous ancestors. It is this preposterous idea which has lately deluged Europe in blood.]] [[File:ImperialStateCrown.jpg|thumb|Monarchs, instead of wisely yielding to the gradual change of circumstances, of favoring progressive accommodation to progressive improvement, have clung to old abuses, entrenched themselves behind steady habits, and obliged their subjects to seek through blood and violence rash and ruinous innovations, which, had they been referred to the peaceful deliberations and collected wisdom of the nation, would have been put into acceptable and salutary forms. Let us follow no such examples.]] === 1760s === * '''To begin an affair of that kind now, and carry it on so long a time in form, is by no means a proper plan ... whatever assurances I may give her in private of my esteem for her, or whatever assurances I may ask in return from her, depend on it — they must be kept in private.''' [[Necessity]] will oblige me to proceed in a method which is not generally thought fair; that of treating with a ward before obtaining the approbation of her guardian. I say necessity will oblige me to it, because I never can bear to remain in suspense so long a time. If I am to [[succeed]], the sooner I [[know]] it, the less uneasiness I shall have to go through.''' If I am to meet with a disappointment, the sooner I know it, the more of [[life]] I shall have to wear it off: and if I do meet with one, I [[hope]] in [[God]], and verily [[believe]]; it will be the last. ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/?option=com_staticxt&staticfile=show.php%3Ftitle=800&chapter=85791&layout=html&Itemid=27 Letter to John Page (15 July 1763); published in ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson'' (1905)] * '''The most fortunate of us, in our journey through life, frequently meet with calamities and misfortunes which may greatly afflict us; and, to fortify our minds against the attacks of these calamities and misfortunes, should be one of the principal studies and endeavours of our lives.''' The only method of doing this is to assume a perfect resignation to the Divine will, to consider that whatever does happen, must happen; and that by our uneasiness, we cannot prevent the blow before it does fall, but we may add to its force after it has fallen. These considerations, and others such as these, may enable us in some measure to surmount the difficulties thrown in our way; to bear up with a tolerable degree of patience under this burthen of life; and to proceed with a pious and unshaken resignation, till we arrive at our journey’s end, when we may deliver up our trust into the hands of him who gave it, and receive such reward as to him shall seem proportioned to our merit. Such, dear Page, will be the language of the man who considers his situation in this life, and such should be the language of every man who would wish to render that situation as easy as the nature of it will admit. Few things will disturb him at all: nothing will disturb him much. ** Letter to John Page (15 July 1763); published in ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson'' (1905) * Christianity neither is, nor ever was, a part of the common law [this quote is referring to English Common Law]. ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-01_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;1 ''Whether Christianity is Part of the Common Law'' (1764) Broken link]. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, p.&nbsp;459 === 1770s === [[File:Benjamin West King Lear Act III scene 4.jpg|thumb|A lively and lasting sense of filial duty is more effectually impressed on the mind of a son or daughter by reading ''[[King Lear]]'', than by all the dry volumes of ethics, and divinity, that ever were written.]] [[File:ThomasJeffersonStateRoomPortrait.jpg|thumb|The God who gave us life, gave us liberty at the same time; the hand of force may destroy, but cannot disjoin them.]] [[File:Truth-Warner-Highsmith.jpeg|thumb|Truth will do well enough if left to shift for herself... Truth is the proper & sufficient antagonist to error.]] [[File:Jefferson Memorial with Declaration preamble.jpg|thumb|We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with inherent and inalienable Rights; that among these, are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness...]] * '''A lively and lasting sense of filial duty is more effectually impressed on the mind of a son or daughter by reading ''[[King Lear]]'', than by all the dry volumes of ethics, and divinity, that ever were written.''' ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-02_Bk.html#hd_lf054.2.head.010 Letter to Robert Skipwith (3 August 1771)] ; also in [http://books.google.com/books?vid=OCLC61981280&id=YjaXnbNMaccC&pg=RA6-PA239&lpg=RA6-PA239&dq=Bergh+%22volumes+of+ethics,+and+divinity%22 ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (19 Vols., 1905) edited by [[w:Andrew A. Lipscomb|Andrew A. Lipscomb]] and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. 4, p. 239] * For the most trifling reasons, and sometimes for no conceivable reason at all, his majesty has rejected laws of the most salutary tendency. '''The abolition of domestic slavery is the great object of desire in those colonies where it was unhappily introduced in their infant state'''. But previous to the infranchisement of the slaves we have, it is necessary to exclude all further importations from Africa. Yet our repeated attempts to effect this by prohibitions, and by imposing duties which might amount to a prohibition, have been hitherto defeated by his majesty’s negative: thus preferring the immediate advantages of a few British corsairs to the lasting interests of the American states, and to the rights of human nature deeply wounded by this infamous practice. ** [http://alexpeak.com/twr/jefferson/#1784 ''A Summary View of the Rights of British America''] (July 1774) * '''The God who gave us life, gave us liberty at the same time; the hand of force may destroy, but cannot disjoin them.''' ** ''Summary View of the Rights of British America'' (1774); ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (19 Vols., 1905) edited by [[w:Andrew A. Lipscomb|Andrew A. Lipscomb]] and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. 1, p. 211 * Let those flatter, who fear: it is not an American art. ** ''Summary View of the Rights of British America'' (1774) * '''Our cause is just.''' Our union is perfect. Our internal resources are great, and, if necessary, foreign assistance is undoubtedly attainable. — We gratefully acknowledge, as signal instances of the Divine favour towards us, that his Providence would not permit us to be called into this severe controversy, until we were grown up to our present strength, had been previously exercised in warlike operation, and possessed of the means of defending ourselves. With hearts fortified with these animating reflections, we most solemnly, before God and the world, declare that, exerting the utmost energy of those powers, which our beneficent Creator hath graciously bestowed upon us, the arms we have been compelled by our enemies to assume, we will, in defiance of every hazard, with unabating firmness and perseverence, employ for the preservation of our liberties; '''being with one mind resolved to die freemen rather than to live slaves.''' ** ''[[w:Declaration of the Causes and Necessity of Taking Up Arms|Declaration of the Causes and Necessity of Taking Up Arms]]'' (1775); Jefferson composed the first draft of this document, but the final work was done by [[w:John Dickinson|John Dickinson]], working with his original draft. [http://www.nationalcenter.org/1775DeclarationofArms.html Full text online] * '''All persons shall have full and free liberty of religious opinion; nor shall any be compelled to frequent or maintain any religious institution.''' ** [http://avalon.law.yale.edu/18th_century/jeffcons.asp Draft Constitution for Virginia (June 1776)] * '''No freeman shall be debarred the use of arms [within his own lands].''' ** [http://avalon.law.yale.edu/18th_century/jeffcons.asp Draft Constitution for Virginia (June 1776)] This quote often appears with the parenthetical omitted and with the spurious extension, "The strongest reason for the people to retain their right to keep and bear arms is as a last resort to protect themselves against tyranny in government". (See [https://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/no-freeman-shall-be-debarred-use-arms "No freeman shall be debarred the use of arms" Quotation] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20200220105040/https://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/no-freeman-shall-be-debarred-use-arms Archived] from the original on February 20, 2020) and [http://www.monticello.org/site/jefferson/strongest-reason-people-to-retain-right-to-keep-and-bear-arms-quotation Jefferson Encyclopedia "Strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms" Quotation] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20200218101730/https://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/strongest-reason-people-retain-right-keep-and-bear-arms-spurious Archived] from the original on February 20, 2020)) * '''Truth will do well enough if left to shift for herself.''' She seldom has received much aid from the power of great men to whom she is rarely known & seldom welcome. She has no need of force to procure entrance into the minds of men. Error indeed has often prevailed by the assistance of power or force. '''Truth is the proper & sufficient antagonist to error.''' ** Notes on Religion (October 1776), published in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson : 1816–1826'' (1899) edited by Paul Leicester Ford, v. 2, p. 102 * In the middle ages of Christianity opposition to the State opinions was hushed. The consequence was, Christianity became loaded with all the Romish follies. Nothing but free argument, raillery & even ridicule will preserve the purity of religion. ** ''Notes on Religion'' (October 1776), published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-02_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;2], p.&nbsp;256 * Compulsion in religion is distinguished peculiarly from compulsion in every other thing. '''I may grow rich by art I am compelled to follow, I may recover health by medicines I am compelled to take against my own judgment, but I cannot be saved by a worship I disbelieve & abhor.''' ** ''Notes on Religion'' (October 1776), published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-02_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;2], p.&nbsp;266 * [[John Locke|Locke]] denies toleration to those who entertain opinions contrary to those moral rules necessary for the preservation of society; as for instance, that faith is not to be kept with those of another persuasion, ... that dominion is founded in grace, or who will not own & teach the duty of tolerating all men in matters of religion, or who deny the existence of a god (it was a great thing to go so far—as he himself says of the parliament who framed the [[w:Act of Toleration|act of toleration]] ... He says 'neither Pagan nor Mahomedan nor Jew ought to be excluded from the civil rights of the Commonwealth because of his religion.' Shall we suffer a Pagan to deal with us and not suffer him to pray to his god? Why have Christians been distinguished above all people who have ever lived, for persecutions? Is it because it is the genius of their religion? No, its genius is the reverse. It is the refusing toleration to those of a different opinion which has produced all the bustles and wars on account of religion. It was the misfortune of mankind that during the darker centuries the Christian priests following their ambition and avarice combining with the magistrate to divide the spoils of the people, could establish the notion that schismatics might be ousted of their possessions & destroyed. This notion we have not yet cleared ourselves from. ** ''Notes on Religion'' (October, 1776). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-02_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;2], pp.&nbsp;267 * Well aware that '''the opinions and belief of men depend not on their own will, but follow involuntarily the evidence proposed to their minds'''; that Almighty God hath created the mind free, and manifested his supreme will that free it shall remain by making it altogether insusceptible of restraint; that all attempts to influence it by temporal punishments, or burthens, or by civil incapacitations, tend only to beget habits of hypocrisy and meanness, and are a departure from the plan of the holy author of our religion, who being lord both of body and mind, yet choose not to propagate it by coercions on either, as was in his Almighty power to do, but to exalt it by its influence on reason alone; that the impious presumption of legislature and ruler, civil as well as ecclesiastical, who, being themselves but fallible and uninspired men, have assumed dominion over the faith of others, setting up their own opinions and modes of thinking as the only true and infallible, and as such endeavoring to impose them on others, hath established and maintained false religions over the greatest part of the world and through all time: That to compel a man to furnish contributions of money for the propagation of opinions which he disbelieves and abhors, is sinful and tyrannical; ... '''that our civil rights have no dependence on our religious opinions, any more than our opinions in physics or geometry;''' and therefore the proscribing any citizen as unworthy the public confidence by laying upon him an incapacity of being called to offices of trust or emolument, unless he profess or renounce this or that religions opinion, is depriving him injudiciously of those privileges and advantages to which, in common with his fellow-citizens, he has a natural right; that it tends also to corrupt the principles of that very religion it is meant to encourage, by bribing with a monopoly of worldly honours and emolumerits, those who will externally profess and conform to it; that though indeed these are criminals who do not withstand such temptation, yet neither are those innocent who lay the bait in their way; that the opinions of men are not the object of civil government, nor under its jurisdiction; that to suffer the civil magistrate to intrude his powers into the field of opinion and to restrain the profession or propagation of principles on supposition of their ill tendency is a dangerous [[fallacy]], which at once destroys all religious liberty, ... and finally, '''that truth is great and will prevail if left to herself; that she is the proper and sufficient antagonist to error, and has nothing to fear from the conflict unless by human interposition disarmed of her natural weapons, free argument and debate ; errors ceasing to be dangerous when it is permitted freely to contradict them.''' ** ''A Bill for Establishing Religious Freedom'', Chapter 82 (1779). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-01_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;1], pp.&nbsp;438–441. [http://web.archive.org/web/19990128135214/http://www.geocities.com/Athens/7842/bill-act.htm Comparison of Jefferson's proposed draft and the bill enacted] ==== [[w:A Summary View of the Rights of British America|A Summary View of the Rights of British America]] (1774) ==== [[File:Andrew Johnson impeachment trial.jpg|thumb|From the nature of things, every society must at all times possess within itself the sovereign powers of legislation.]] [[File:Reproduction-of-the-1805-Rembrandt-Peale-painting-of-Thomas-Jefferson-New-York-Historical-Society 1.jpg|thumb|The whole art of government consists in the art of being honest.]] * History has informed us that bodies of men, as well as individuals, are susceptible of the spirit of tyranny. * There are extraordinary situations which require extraordinary interposition. An exasperated people, who feel that they possess power, are not easily restrained within limits strictly regular. * '''When the representative body have lost the confidence of their constituents, when they have notoriously made sale of their most valuable rights, when they have assumed to themselves powers which the people never put into their hands, then indeed their continuing in office becomes dangerous to the state, and calls for an exercise of the power of dissolution.''' * '''From the nature of things, every society must at all times possess within itself the sovereign powers of legislation. The feelings of human nature revolt against the supposition of a state so situated as that it may not in any emergency provide against dangers which perhaps threaten immediate ruin. While those bodies are in existence to whom the people have delegated the powers of legislation, they alone possess and may exercise those powers; but when they are dissolved by the lopping off one or more of their branches, the power reverts to the people, who may exercise it to unlimited extent, either assembling together in person, sending deputies, or in any other way they may think proper.''' * From the nature and purpose of civil institutions, all the lands within the limits which any particular society has circumscribed around itself are assumed by that society, and subject to their allotment only. This may be done by themselves, assembled collectively, or by their legislature, to whom they may have delegated sovereign authority; and if they are alloted in neither of these ways, each individual of the society may appropriate to himself such lands as he finds vacant, and occupancy will give him title. * '''A free people [claim] their rights, as derived from the laws of nature, and not as the gift of their chief magistrate'''. * '''Let those flatter who fear; it is not an American art. To give praise which is not due might be well from the venal, but would ill beseem those who are asserting the rights of human nature.''' They know, and will therefore say, that kings are the servants, not the proprietors of the people. * '''The whole art of government consists in the art of being honest.''' * '''The God who gave us life gave us liberty at the same time; the hand of force may destroy, but cannot disjoin them.''' ==== [[w:United States Declaration of Independence|Declaration of Independence]] (1776) ==== : <small>For more quotes from and about this document, see [[United States Declaration of Independence]]</small> [[File:Declaration independence.jpg|thumb|For the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor.]] * '''When, in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.''' * '''We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.—That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.''' * '''And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.''' ===== Earlier drafts ===== * ''[[George III of the United Kingdom|he]]<!--Jefferson did not capitalise this word in his original rough draft--> has waged cruel war against human nature itself, violating it's most sacred rights of life'' & ''liberty in the persons of a distant people who never offended him, captivating'' & ''carrying them into slavery in another hemisphere, or to incur miserable death in their transportation thither.&nbsp; this<!--Jefferson did not capitalise this word in his original rough draft--> piratical warfare, the opprobrium of'' infidel<!--Jefferson unitalicised this word in his original rough draft--> ''powers; is the warfare of the'' <u>Christian</u><!--Jefferson unitalicised and underlined this word in his original rough draft--> ''king of Great Britain. determined to keep open a market where'' MEN<!--Jefferson unitalicised and capitalised this word in his original rough draft--> ''should be bought'' & ''sold he has prostituted his negative for suppressing every legislative attempt to prohibit or to restrain this execrable commerce: and that this assemblage of horrors might want no fact of distinguished die, he is now exciting those very people to rise in arms among us, and to purchase that liberty of which'' he<!--Jefferson unitalicised this word in his original rough draft--> ''has deprived them, by murdering the people upon whom'' he<!--Jefferson unitalicised this word in his original rough draft--> ''also obtruded them: thus paying off former crimes committed against the <u>liberties</u><!--Jefferson underlined this word in his original rough draft--> of one people, with crimes which he urges them to commit against the <u>lives</u><!--Jefferson underlined this word in his original rough draft--> of another. ** [http://alexpeak.com/twr/doi/draft/#ex2 Known as the "anti-slavery clause", this section drafted by Thomas Jefferson was removed from the ''Declaration'' at the behest of representatives of South Carolina]. * Murdering the people upon whom he also obtruded them, thus paying off former crimes committed against the liberties of one people, with crimes which he urges them to commit against the lives of another. In every stage of these repressions, we have petitioned for redress in the most humble terms, our repreated petitions have been answered only by repreated injury. ** [https://books.google.com/books?id=WbFznb7PSGsC&printsec=frontcover&source=gbs_ge_summary_r&cad=0#v=onepage&q&f=false Article No. 20] === 1780s === [[File:Thomas Jefferson commerative silver dollar.png|thumb|It it is a part of the price we pay for our liberty, which cannot be guarded but by the freedom of the press, nor that be limited without danger of losing it.]] [[File:Jefferson-peale.jpg|thumb|It does me no [[injury]] for my neighbour to say there are twenty [[gods]], or [[Atheism|no god]]. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.]] [[File:LibertyTreePlanting.jpg|thumb|What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the [[spirit]] of [[resistance]]? Let them take arms. The remedy is to set them right as to [[facts]], pardon and pacify them. What signify a few lives lost in a century or two? The tree of [[liberty]] must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of [[patriots]] and [[tyrants]]. It is its natural manure.]] [[File:Monument to shays rebellion.jpg|thumb|A little [[rebellion]], now and then, is a good thing, and as [[necessary]] in the [[political]] world as [[storms]] in the physical.]] [[File:Thomas-Jefferson.jpg|thumb|I had rather be shut up in a very modest cottage with my [[books]], my [[family]] and a few old [[friends]], dining on simple bacon, and letting the [[world]] roll on as it liked, than to occupy the most splendid post, which any [[human]] [[power]] can give.]] [[File:Thomas_Jefferson_by_Rembrandt_Peale,_1800.jpg|thumb|I never submitted the whole [[system]] of my [[opinions]] to the [[creed]] of any party of men whatever in [[religion]], in [[philosophy]], in [[politics]], or in anything else where I was capable of [[thinking]] for [[myself]].]] [[File:Press Freedom 2017 RWB.svg|thumb|Our [[liberty]] depends on the [[freedom of the press]], and that cannot be limited without being lost.]] [[File:Burning of the uss philadelphia.jpg|thumb|We took the liberty to make some enquiries concerning the ground of their [[pretension|pretentions]] to make war upon [[nations]] who had done them no [[injury]], and observed that we considered [[all]] [[mankind]] as our [[friends]] who had done us no wrong, nor had given us any provocation ... The Ambassador answered us that it was founded on the [[laws]] of [[Mohammed|their Prophet]]; that it was written in their [[Koran]]; that all [[nations]] who should not have acknowledged their [[authority]] were [[sinners]]; that it was their right and duty to make [[war]] upon them wherever they could be found, and to make [[slaves]] of all they could.]] * [I]f the present Congress errs in too much talking, how can it be otherwise in a body to which the people send 150 lawyers, whose trade it is to question everything, yield nothing, and to talk by the hour? ** 1782, reported in Henry Brougham, Baron Brougham and Vaux, ''Historical Sketches of Statesmen who Flourished in the Time of George III'' (1845), Vol. II, p. 62. * Cultivators of the earth are the most valuable citizens. They are the most vigorous, the most independent, the most virtuous, and they are tied to their country and wedded to its liberty and interests by the most lasting bands. As long therefore as they can find employment in this line, I would not convert them into mariners, artisans, or any thing else. But our citizens will find employment in this line till their numbers, and of course their productions, become too great for the demand both internal and foreign. ** Letter to John Jay (23 August 1785); published in ''The Papers of Thomas Jefferson'' (1953), edited by Julian P. Boyd, vol. 8, p. 426 * In the [[w:Northern United States|North]] they are<br>cool<br>sober<br>laborious<br>persevering<br>independent<br>jealous of their own liberties, and just to those of others<br>interested<br>chicaning<br>superstitious and hypocritical in their religion<br>In the [[w:Southern United States|South]] they are <br>fiery<br>voluptuary<br>indolent<br> unsteady<br>independent<br>zealous for their own liberties, but trampling on those of others.<br>generous<br>candid<br>without attachment or pretensions to any religion but that of the heart. ** Letter to [[w:François-Jean de Chastellux|François-Jean de Chastellux]] (September 2, 1785), quoted in Thomas Jefferson, ''Writings'', ed. Merrill D. Peterson (1984), p. 827 * I am conscious that an equal division of property is impracticable. But the consequences of this enormous inequality producing so much misery to the bulk of mankind, legislators cannot invent too many devices for subdividing property..[a] means of silently lessening the inequality of property is to '''exempt all from taxation below a certain point, and to tax the higher portions of property in geometrical progression as they rise'''. ** [http://press-pubs.uchicago.edu/founders/documents/v1ch15s32.html Letter to] [[James Madison]] (28 October 1785) * Whenever there is in any country, uncultivated lands and unemployed poor, it is clear that the laws of property have been so far extended as to violate natural right. The earth is given as a common stock for man to labour and live on. ** [http://press-pubs.uchicago.edu/founders/documents/v1ch15s32.html Letter to] [[James Madison]] (28 October 1785) * It is an axiom in my mind, that '''our liberty can never be safe but in the hands of the people themselves''', and that too of the people with a certain degree of instruction. This it is the business of the State to effect, and on a general plan. ** [http://www.familytales.org/dbDisplay.php?id=ltr_thj1489 Letter to] [[George Washington]] (4 January 1786) * '''What a stupendous, what an incomprehensible machine is man! Who can endure toil, famine, stripes, imprisonment and death itself in vindication of his own liberty, and the next moment''', be deaf to all those motives whose powers supported him through his trial, and '''inflict on his fellow men a bondage, one hour of which is fraught with more misery than ages of that which he rose in rebellion to oppose.''' ** [https://books.google.com/books?id=u1xgWBntGYIC&printsec=frontcover&dq=jaffa+new+birth&hl=en&sa=X&ei=5BYSVeC0EYfegwTbzoKoCw&ved=0CB4Q6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=soul%20of%20the&f=false Letter to Jean Nicholas Demeunier] (24 January 1786) Bergh 17:103 * It is really to be lamented that after a public servant has passed a life in important and faithful services, after having given the most plenary satisfaction in every station, it should yet be in the power of every individual to disturb his quiet, by arraigning him in a gazette and by obliging him to act as if he needed a defence, an obligation imposed on him by unthinking minds which never give themselves the trouble of seeking a reflection unless it be presented to them. However it is a part of the price we pay for '''our liberty''', which '''cannot be guarded but by the freedom of the press, nor that be limited without danger of losing it.''' To the loss of time, of labour, of money, then, must be added that of quiet, to which those must offer themselves who are capable of serving the public, and all this is better than European bondage. Your quiet may have suffered for a moment on this occasion, but you have the strongest of all supports that of the public esteem. ** Letter to John Jay from Paris, France (January 25, 1786). Source: “[https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-09-02-0190 From Thomas Jefferson to John Jay, 25 January 1786],” Founders Online, National Archives, last modified June 13, 2018. [Original source: The Papers of Thomas Jefferson, vol. 9, 1 November 1785 – 22 June 1786, ed. Julian P. Boyd. Princeton: Princeton University Press, 1954, p. 215.] * '''Our liberty depends on the freedom of the press, and that cannot be limited without being lost.''' ** Letter to Dr. James Currie (28 January 1786) Lipscomb & Bergh 18:ii * {{Anchor|Koran}}We took the liberty to make some enquiries concerning the ground of their pretensions to make war upon nations who had done them no injury, and observed that we considered all mankind as our friends who had done us no wrong, nor had given us any provocation. '''The Ambassador [of Tripoli] answered us that it was founded on the Laws of their Prophet, that it was written in their Koran, that all nations who should not have acknowledged their authority were sinners, that it was their right and duty to make war upon them wherever they could be found, and to make slaves of all they could take as Prisoners, and that every Musselman who should be slain in battle was sure to go to Paradise.''' ** Letter from the commissioners (John Adams, Thomas Jefferson) to [[w:John Jay|John Jay]], 28 March 1786, in ''Thomas Jefferson Travels: Selected Writings, 1784-1789'', by Anthony Brandt, [http://books.google.com/books?id=SY_3VKP0SEkC&pg=PA104&dq=%22Ambassador+Answered%22 pp. 104-105] * The two principles on which our conduct towards the Indians should be founded, are justice and fear. After the injuries we have done them, they cannot love us.... ** Letter to Benjamin Hawkins (13 August 1786) Lipscomb & Bergh ed. 5:390 * The policy of American government is to leave its citizens free, neither restraining them nor aiding them in their pursuits. ** Letter to M. L'Hommande, (1787), as quoted in ''The Jeffersonian Cyclopedia'' (1900), edited by John P. Foley, p. 500<!-- Funk & Wagnalls Company --> * '''The basis of our government being the opinion of the people, the very first object should be to keep that right; and were it left to me to decide whether we should have a government without newspapers, or newspapers without a government, I should not hesitate a moment to prefer the latter.''' But I should mean that '''every man should receive those papers and be capable of reading them.''' ** Letter to Colonel Edward Carrington (16 January 1787) Lipscomb & Bergh ed. 6:57 ** Compare letter to John Norvell (11 June 1807), below. * Experience declares that man is the only animal which devours his own kind; for I can apply no milder term to the governments of Europe, and to the general prey of the rich on the poor. ** Letter to Colonel Edward Carrington (16 January 1787) * I am convinced that those societies (as the Indians) which live without government enjoy in their general mass an infinitely greater degree of happiness than those who live under the European governments. ** Letter to Colonel Edward Carrington, Paris, (16 January 1787) * '''I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing, and as necessary in the political world as storms in the physical.''' ** Letter to James Madison (30 January 1787); referring to [[w:Shays' Rebellion|Shays' Rebellion]] Lipscomb & Bergh ed. 6:65 * The spirit of resistance to government is so valuable on certain occasions, that I wish it to be always kept alive. It will often be exercised when wrong, but better so than not to be exercised at all. I like a little rebellion now and then. It is like a storm in the atmosphere. ** [http://memory.loc.gov/master/mss/mtj/mtj1/006/1200/1251.jpg Letter to Abigail Smith Adams] from Paris while a Minister to France (22 February 1787), referring to Shay's Rebellion. [http://www.loc.gov/teachers/classroommaterials/connections/thomas-jefferson/history4.html "Jefferson's Service to the New Nation," Library of Congress] * '''I have no fear that the result of our experiment will be that men may be trusted to govern themselves without a master.''' Could the contrary of this be proved, I should conclude either that there is no god, or that he is a malevolent being. ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-11-02-0441 Letter to David Hartley (2 July 1787)] * God forbid we should ever be twenty years without such a rebellion. The people cannot be all, and always, well informed. The part which is wrong will be discontented, in proportion to the importance of the facts they misconceive. If they remain quiet under such misconceptions, it is lethargy, the forerunner of death to the public liberty. [...] What country before ever existed a century and half without a rebellion? And '''what country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance? Let them take arms. The remedy is to set them right as to facts, pardon and pacify them. What signify a few lives lost in a century or two? The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is its natural manure.''' ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-12-02-0348 Letter] to [[w:William Stephens Smith|William Stephens Smith]] (13 November 1787). [https://www.loc.gov/resource/mtj1.008_0514_0516/?sp=2 Manuscript at the Library of Congress]. * When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe, we shall become corrupt as in Europe. ** Letter to [[James Madison]] (20 December 1787), [http://books.google.com/books?id=5iUWAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA332&dq=%22When+we+get+piled+upon+one%22+inauthor:jefferson&lr=&num=50&as_brr=0&hl=sv ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (19 Vols., 1905) edited by [[w:Andrew A. Lipscomb|Andrew A. Lipscomb]] and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. VI, p. 392.] * I am not a friend to a very energetic government. It is always oppressive. It places the governors indeed more at their ease at the expense of the people. The late rebellion in Massachusetts has given much more alarm than I think it should have done. Calculate that one rebellion in thirteen States in the course of eleven years is but one for each State in a century and a half. No country should be so long without one. Nor will any degree of power in the hands of the government prevent insurrections. In England, where the hand of power is heavier than with us, there are seldom half a dozen years without an insurrection. In France, where it is still heavier but less despotic, as [[Montesquieu]] supposes, than in some other countries and where there are always two or three hundred thousand men ready to crush insurrections, there have been three in the course of the three years I have been here, in every one of which greater numbers were engaged than in Massachusetts. ** Letter to James Madison, Paris, (20 December 1787), ''The Political Writings Of Thomas Jefferson'', Dumbauld, Edit. (1955) pp. 67-68 * With respect to the new Government, nine or ten States will probably have accepted by the end of this month. The others may oppose it. Virginia, I think, will be of this number. Besides other objections of less moment, she [Virginia] will insist on annexing a bill of rights to the new Constitution, i.e. a bill wherein the Government shall declare that, '''1. Religion shall be free; 2. Printing presses free; 3. Trials by jury preserved in all cases; 4. No monopolies in commerce; 5. No standing army.''' Upon receiving this bill of rights, she will probably depart from her other objections; and this bill is so much to the interest of all the States, that I presume they will offer it, and thus our Constitution be amended, and our Union closed by the end of the present year. ** Letter to Mr. Dumas (12 February 1788) * '''I had rather be shut up in a very modest cottage with my books, my family and a few old friends, dining on simple bacon, and letting the world roll on as it liked, than to occupy the most splendid post, which any human power can give.''' ** Letter to Alexander Donald (7 February 1788) * '''Paper is poverty,... it is only the ghost of money, and not money itself.''' ** Letter to Colonel Edward Carrington (27 May 1788) ME 7:36 * '''The natural progress of things is for liberty to yield, and government to gain ground.''' ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-13-02-0120 Letter to Edward Carrington, Paris] (27 May 1788) * Architecture worth great attention. As we double our numbers every 20 years we must double our houses. Besides we build of such perishable materials that one half of our houses must be rebuilt in every space of 20 years. So that in that term, houses are to be built for three fourths of our inhabitants. It is then among the most important arts: and it is desireable to introduce taste into an art which shews so much. ** Hints to Americans travelling in Europe, letter to John Rutledge, Jr. (June 19, 1788); in ''The Papers of Thomas Jefferson'', ed. Julian P. Boyd (1956), vol. 13, p. 269 * It is always better to have no ideas than false ones; to believe nothing, than to believe what is wrong. ** Letter From Thomas Jefferson to the Rev. James Madison, 19 July 1788 * I sincerely rejoice at the acceptance of our new Constitution by nine States. It is a good canvas, on which some strokes only want retouching. What these are, I think are sufficiently manifested by the general voice from north to south, which calls for a bill of rights. ** Letter to [[James Madison]] (July 31, 1788); reported in ''Memoir, correspondence, and miscellanies from the papers of Thomas Jefferson'', Volumes 1-2 (1829), p. 343 * Whenever the people are well informed, they can be trusted with their own government; that whenever things get so far wrong as to attract their notice, they may be relied on to set them to rights. ** Letter to [[w:Richard Price|Richard Price]] (8 January 1789) * You say that I have been dished up to you as an antifederalist, and ask me if it be just. My opinion was never worthy enough of notice to merit citing; but since you ask it I will tell it you. I am not a Federalist, because '''I never submitted the whole system of my opinions to the creed of any party of men whatever in religion, in philosophy, in politics, or in anything else where I was capable of thinking for myself. Such an addiction is the last degradation of a free and moral agent. If I could not go to heaven but with a party, I would not go there at all.''' Therefore I protest to you I am not of the party of federalists. But I am much farther from that than of the Antifederalists. ** Letter to Francis Hopkinson (13 March 1789) * We think in America that it is necessary to introduce the people into every department of government as far as they are capable of exercising it; and that this is the only way to ensure a long-continued and honest administration of it's powers. 1. They are not qualified to exercise themselves the EXECUTIVE department: but they are qualified to name the person who shall exercise it. With us therefore they chuse this officer every 4. years. 2. They are not qualified to LEGISLATE. With us therefore they only chuse the legislators. 3. They are not qualified to JUDGE questions of law; but they are very capable of judging questions of fact. In the form of JURIES therefore they determine all matters of fact, leaving to the permanent judges to decide the law resulting from those facts. Butwe all know that permanent judges acquire an esprit de corps; that, being known, they are liable to be tempted by bribery; that they are misled by favor, by relationship, by a spirit of party, by a devotion to the executive or legislative; that '''it is better to leave a cause to the decision of [[w:coin flipping|cross and pile]] than to that of a judge biased to one side'''; and that the opinion of twelve honest jurymen gives still a better hope of right than cross and pile does. It is left therefore, to the juries, if they think the permanent judges are under any bias whatever in any cause, to take on themselves to judge the law as well as the fact. They never exercise this power but when they suspect partiality in the judges; and by the exercise of this power they have been the firmest bulwarks of English liberty. ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-15-02-0275 Letter to the Abbé Arnoux (19 July 1787)] * '''I say, the earth belongs to each of these generations during its course, fully and in its own right. The second generation receives it clear of the debts and incumbrances of the first, the third of the second, and so on. For if the first could charge it with a debt, then the earth would belong to the dead and not to the living generation. Then, no generation can contract debts greater than may be paid during the course of its own existence.''' ** [http://etext.virginia.edu/jefferson/quotations/jeff1340.htm Letter] to [[James Madison]] (6 September 1789) ME 7:455, Papers 15:393 ==== Letter to George Rogers Clark (1780) ==== : <small>[http://wiki.monticello.org/mediawiki/index.php/Empire_of_liberty Letter to George Rogers Clark] (25 December 1780).</small> * We shall divert through our own Country a branch of commerce which the European States have thought worthy of the most important struggles and sacrifices, and in the event of peace... we shall form to the American union a barrier against the dangerous extension of the British Province of Canada and add to the Empire of liberty an extensive and fertile Country thereby converting dangerous Enemies into valuable friends. ==== ''Notes on the State of Virginia'' ==== : <small>''[[Notes on the State of Virginia]]'' (1781-1783).</small> * All the powers of government, legislative, executive, and judiciary, result to the legislative body. The concentrating these in the same hands is precisely the definition of despotic government. It will be no alleviation that these powers will be exercised by a plurality of hands, and not by a single one. [...] As little will it avail us that they are chosen by ourselves. '''An ''[[elective]] [[despotism]]'' was not the [[government]] we fought for'''; but one which should not only be founded on free principles, but in which the powers of government should be so divided and balanced among several bodies of magistracy, as that no one could transcend their legal limits, without being effectually checked and restrained by others. ** Query XIII, pp. 126–127 * It will probably be asked, Why not retain and incorporate the blacks into the state, and thus save the expence of supplying, by importation of white settlers, the vacancies they will leave? Deep rooted prejudices entertained by the whites; ten thousand recollections, by the blacks, of the injuries they have sustained; new provocations; the real distinctions which nature has made; and many other circumstances, will divide us into parties, and produce convulsions which will probably never end but in the extermination of the one or the other race. ** Query XIV, p. 147 * To these objections, which are political, may be added others, which are physical and moral. The first difference which strikes us is that of colour. ... Add to these, flowing hair, a more elegant symmetry of form, their own judgment in favour of the whites, declared by their preference of them, as uniformly as is the preference of the Oranootan for the black women over those of his own species. ** Query XIV, pp. 147–148 * Comparing them by their faculties of memory, reason, and imagination, it appears to me, that in memory they are equal to the whites; in reason much inferior. ... The improvement of the [[Black people|blacks]] in body and mind, in the first instance of their mixture with the whites, has been observed by every one, and proves that their inferiority is not the effect merely of their condition of life. We know that among the [[w:Ancient Rome|Romans]], about the [[Augustus|Augustan age]] especially, the condition of their slaves was much more deplorable than that of the blacks on the continent of America. ... Yet notwithstanding these and other discouraging circumstances among the Romans, their slaves were often their rarest artists. They excelled too in science, insomuch as to be usually employed as tutors to their master’s children. [[Epictetus]], [[Terence]], and [[Phaedrus]], were slaves. But they were of the race of whites. It is not their condition then, but nature, which has produced the distinction. ** Query XIV, pp. 149, 151–152 * I advance it therefore as a suspicion only, that the blacks, whether originally a distinct race, or made distinct by time and circumstances, are inferior to the whites in the endowments both of body and mind. It is not against experience to suppose, that different species of the same genus, or varieties of the same species, may posses different qualifications. Will not a lover of natural history then, one who views the gradations in all the races of animals with the eye of philosophy, excuse an effort to keep those in the department of man as distinct as nature has formed them? This unfortunate difference of colour, and perhaps of faculty, is a powerful obstacle to the emancipation of these people. ** Query XIV, pp. 153–154 * '''The legitimate powers of government extend to such acts only as are injurious to others. But it does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are twenty gods, or no god. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.''' ** Query XVII, p. 169 * '''Was the government to prescribe to us our medicine and diet, our bodies would be in such keeping as our souls are now'''. Thus in France the emetic was once forbidden as a medicine, and the potatoe as an article of food. ** Query XVII, pp. 169–170 * Difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects perform the office of a Censor morum over each other. Is uniformity attainable? '''Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. What has been the effect of coercion? To make one half the world fools, and the other half hypocrites. To support roguery and error all over the earth.''' Let us reflect that it is inhabited by a thousand millions of people. That these profess probably a thousand different systems of religion. That ours is but one of that thousand. That if there be but one right, and ours that one, we should wish to see the 999 wandering sects gathered into the fold of truth. But against such a majority we cannot effect this by force. Reason and persuasion are the only practicable instruments. To make way for these, free enquiry must be indulged; and how can we wish others to indulge it while we refuse it ourselves? ** Query XVII, pp. 170–171 * For in a warm climate, no man will labour for himself who can make another labour for him. This is so true, that of the proprietors of slaves a very small proportion indeed are even seen to labour. And can the liberties of a nation be thought secure when we have removed their only firm basis, a conviction in the minds of the people that these liberties are of the gift of God? That they are not to be violated but with his wrath? Indeed I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just: that his justice cannot sleep for ever: that considering numbers, nature and natural means only, a revolution of the wheel of fortune, an exchange of situation, is among possible events: that it may become probable by supernatural interference! The Almighty has no attribute which can take side with us in such a contest. ... I think a change already perceptible, since the origin of the present revolution. The spirit of the master is abating, that of the slave rising from the dust, his condition mollifying, the way I hope preparing, under the auspices of heaven, for a total emancipation, and that this is disposed, in the order of events, to be with the consent of the masters, rather than by their extirpation. ** Query XVIII, pp. 173–174; for more quotes from this document see: '''''[[Notes on the State of Virginia]]''''' (1781-1785) ==== Letter to the Marquis de Chastellux (1785) ==== : <small>[http://books.google.com.ph/books?id=iSeWGTYsFcsC&pg=PA137 Letter to the Marquis de Chastellux (7 June 1785)]</small> * I believe the Indian then to be in body and mind equal to the white man. ==== Letter to Richard Price (1785) ==== : <small>[https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-08-02-0280 Letter to Richard Price, 7 August 1785] from Paris, France (7 August 1785).</small> * Your favor of July 2. came duly to hand. The concern you therein express as to the effect of your pamphlet in America, induces me to trouble you with some observations on that subject. ** [[Benjamin Wade]] speech about Jefferson's letter about Price's work ''Observations on the Importance of the American Revolution'' as quoted in the Congressional Record, 1854, pp. 312-313[https://books.google.com/books?id=1CZBnpnwzToC&pg=PA312] * Northward of the Chesapeak you may find here and there an opponent to your doctrine as you may find here and there a robber and a murderer, but in no greater number. In that part of America, there being but few slaves, they can easily disencumber themselves of them, and emancipation is put into such a train that in a few years there will be no slaves Northward of Maryland. In Maryland I do not find such a disposition to begin the redress of this enormity as in Virginia. This is the next state to which we may turn our eyes for the interesting spectacle of justice in conflict with avarice and oppression: a conflict wherein the sacred side is gaining daily recruits from the influx into office of young men grown and growing up. These have sucked in the principles of liberty as it were with their mother’s milk, and it is to them I look with anxiety to turn the fate of this question. ** Wade, ibid. ==== Letter to Peter Carr (1785) ==== : <small>[http://www.yale.edu/lawweb/avalon/jefflett/let31.htm Letter to his nephew Peter Carr] from Paris, France (19 August 1785).</small> * '''As to the species of exercise, I advise the gun.''' While this gives a moderate exercise to the body, it gives boldness, enterprise, and independence to the mind. Games played with the ball, and others of that nature, are too violent for the body, and stamp no character on the mind. Let your gun therefore be the constant companion of your walks. Never think of taking a book with you. * The object of walking is to relax the mind. You should therefore not permit yourself even to think while you walk; but divert your attention by the objects surrounding you. Walking is the best possible exercise. Habituate yourself to walk very far. The Europeans value themselves on having subdued the horse to the uses of man; but I doubt whether we have not lost more than we have gained, by the use of this animal. No one has occasioned so much, the degeneracy of the human body. An Indian goes on foot nearly as far in a day, for a long journey, as an enfeebled white does on his horse; and he will tire the best horses. There is no habit you will value so much as that of walking far without fatigue. * '''He who permits himself to tell a lie once, finds it much easier to do it a second and third time, till at length it becomes habitual; he tells lies without attending to it, and truths without the world's believing him. This falsehood of tongue leads to that of the heart, and in time depraves all its good dispositions.''' ==== Letter to John Jay (1786) ==== : <small>[http://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-09-02-0315 Letter to John Jay] (28 March 1786), written with John Adams.</small> * We took the liberty to make some enquiries concerning the ground of their pretentions to make war upon nations who had done them no injury, and observed that we considered all mankind as our friends who had done us no wrong, nor had given us any provocation. * The Ambassador answered us that it was founded on the laws of their [[Mohammed|Prophet]]; that it was written in their [[Koran]]; that all nations who should not have acknowledged their authority were sinners; that it was their right and duty to make war upon them wherever they could be found, and to make slaves of all they could take as prisoners; and that every [[Muslim|Mussulman]] who was slain in battle was sure to go to Paradise. He said, also, that the man who was the first to board a vessel had one slave over and above his share, and that when they sprang to the deck of an enemy's ship, every sailor held a dagger in each hand and a third in his mouth; which usually struck such terror into the foe that they cried out for quarter at once. That it was a law that the first who boarded an Enemy’s Vessell should have one slave. ** Concerning an interview in London with the ambassador from Tripoli, Sidi Haji Abdul Rahman Adja. ==== Letter to Thomas Mann Randolph (1787) ==== : <small>[http://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/spanish-language Letter to Thomas Mann Randolph (6 July 1787)]</small> * With respect to modern languages, French, as I have before observed, is indispensible. Next to this the Spanish is most important to an American. Our connection with Spain is already important and will become daily more so. Besides this the antient part of American history is written chiefly in Spanish. ==== Letter to Edward Rutledge (1787) ==== : <small>[http://alexpeak.com/twr/jefferson/#1784 Letter to Edward Rutledge (14 July 1787)]</small> * I congratulate you, my dear friend, on the law of your state for suspending the importation of slaves, and for the glory you have justly acquired by endeavoring to prevent it forever. This abomination must have an end, and there is a superior bench reserved in heaven for those who hasten it. ==== Letter to Peter Carr (1787) ==== [[File:Kramskoi Christ dans le désert.jpg|thumb|The moral sense, or conscience, is as much a part of man as his leg or arm. It is given to all human beings in a stronger or weaker degree, as force of members is given them in a greater or less degree. It may be strengthened by exercise, as may any particular limb of the body.]] [[File:Brocken-tanzawa2.JPG|thumb|I repeat, you must lay aside all prejudice on both sides, and neither believe nor reject anything, because any other persons, or description of persons, have rejected or believed it. Your own reason is the only oracle given you by heaven, and you are answerable, not for the rightness, but uprightness of the decision.]] : <small>[https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-12-02-0021 Letter to his nephew Peter Carr] from Paris, France (10 August 1787). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-05_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;5], pp.&nbsp;324–327.</small> * '''He who made us would have been a pitiful bungler, if he had made the rules of our moral conduct a matter of science. For one man of science, there are thousands who are not. What would have become of them?''' Man was destined for society. His morality, therefore, was to be formed to this object. He was endowed with a sense of right and wrong, merely relative to this. * '''The moral sense, or conscience, is as much a part of man as his leg or arm. It is given to all human beings in a stronger or weaker degree, as force of members is given them in a greater or less degree. It may be strengthened by exercise, as may any particular limb of the body.''' This sense is submitted, indeed, in some degree, to the guidance of reason; but it is a small stock which is required for this: even a less one than what we call common sense. State a moral case to a ploughman and a professor. The former will decide it as well, and often better than the latter, because he has not been led astray by artificial rules. * Above all things, lose no occasion of exercising your dispositions to be grateful, to be generous, to be charitable, to be humane, to be true, just, firm, orderly, courageous, &c. Consider every act of this kind, as an exercise which will strengthen your moral faculties and increase your worth. * Your reason is now mature enough to examine this object [religion]. In the first place divest yourself of all bias in favour of novelty & singularity of opinion. Indulge them in any other subject rather than that of religion. It is too important, & the consequences of error may be too serious. On the other hand shake off all the fears & servile prejudices under which weak minds are servilely crouched. Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call to her tribunal every fact, every opinion. '''Question with boldness even the existence of a god; because, if there be one, he must more approve the homage of reason, than that of blindfolded fear.''' ** [http://memory.loc.gov/master/mss/mtj/mtj1/007/0900/0961.jpg Scan of the original page] at The Library of Congress. * You will naturally examine first, the religion of your own country. Read the Bible, then as you would read [[Livy]] or [[Tacitus]]. The facts which are within the ordinary course of nature, you will believe on the authority of the writer, as you do those of the same kind in Livy and Tacitus. The testimony of the writer weighs in their favor, in one scale, and their not being against the laws of nature, does not weigh against them. But those facts in the Bible which contradict the laws of nature, must be examined with more care, and under a variety of faces. Here you must recur to the pretensions of the writer to inspiration from God. Examine upon what evidence his pretensions are founded, and whether that evidence is so strong, as that its falsehood would be more improbable than a change in the laws of nature, in the case he relates. For example in the book of Joshua we are told the sun stood still several hours. Were we to read that fact in Livy or Tacitus we should class it with their showers of blood, speaking of statues, beasts, etc. '''But it is said that the writer of that book was inspired. Examine therefore candidly what evidence there is of his having been inspired. The pretension is entitled to your inquiry, because millions believe it.''' On the other hand you are astronomer enough to know how contrary it is to the law of nature that a body revolving on its axis as the earth does, should have stopped, should not by that sudden stoppage have prostrated animals, trees, buildings, and should after a certain time have resumed its revolution, & that without a second general prostration. Is this arrest of the earth's motion, or the evidence which affirms it, most within the law of probabilities? * '''You will next read the new testament. It is the history of a personage called [[Jesus]].''' Keep in your eye the opposite pretensions 1. of those who say he was begotten by God, born of a virgin, suspended & reversed the laws of nature at will, & ascended bodily into heaven: and 2. of those who say he was a man of illegitimate birth, of a benevolent heart, enthusiastic mind, who set out without pretensions to divinity, ended in believing them, & was Punished capitally for sedition by being gibbeted according to the Roman law which punished the first commission of that offence by whipping, & the second by exile or death in ''furcâ''. <!-- in furca? what? --> * '''Do not be frightened from this inquiry by any fear of its consequences. If it ends in a belief that there is no god, you will find incitements to virtue in the comfort and pleasantness you feel in its exercise, and the love of others which it will procure you.''' If you find reason to believe there is a God, a consciousness that you are acting under his eye, and that he approves you, will be a vast additional incitement; if that there be a future state, the hope of a happy existence in that increases the appetite to deserve it; if that Jesus was also a god, you will be comforted by a belief of his aid and love. * '''In fine, I repeat, you must lay aside all prejudice on both sides, and neither believe nor reject anything, because any other persons, or description of persons, have rejected or believed it. Your own reason is the only oracle given you by heaven, and you are answerable, not for the rightness, but uprightness of the decision.''' * '''When speaking of the new testament that you should read all the histories of Christ, as well of those whom a council of ecclesiastics have decided for us to be Pseudo-evangelists, as those they named Evangelists.''' Because these Pseudo-evangelists pretended to inspiration as much as the others, and you are to judge their pretensions by your own reason, & not by the reason of those ecclesiastics. Most of these are lost. There are some however still extant, collected by Fabricius which I will endeavor to get & send you. === 1790s === [[File:Gilbert Stuart Thomas Jefferson.jpg|thumb|I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty, than those attending too small a degree of it.]] [[File:Constitution of the United States, page 1.jpg|thumb|In questions of power let no more be heard of confidence in man, but bind him down from mischief by the chains of the Constitution.]] [[File:Thomas Jefferson by Mather Brown.jpg|thumb|To preserve the freedom of the human mind then and freedom of the press, every spirit should be ready to devote itself to martyrdom; for as long as we may think as we will, and speak as we think, the condition of man will proceed in improvement.]] * The republican is the only form of government which is not eternally at open or secret war with the rights of mankind. ** Letter to William Hunter (11 March 1790) * '''We are not to expect to be translated from despotism to liberty in a featherbed.''' ** Letter to [[Gilbert du Motier, marquis de Lafayette]] (2 April 1790) * I learn with great satisfaction that you are about committing to the press the valuable historical and State papers you have been so long collecting. Time and accident are committing daily havoc on the originals deposited in our public offices. The late war has done the work of centuries in this business. The last cannot be recovered, but '''let us save what remains; not by vaults and locks which fence them from the public eye and use in consigning them to the waste of time, but by such a multiplication of copies, as shall place them beyond the reach of accident.''' ** Letter to a Mr. Hazard (18 February 1791) published in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1853), Vol. 2, edited by Henry Augustine Washington, p. 211 * '''I consider the foundation of the Constitution as laid on this ground: That "all powers not delegated to the United States, by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States or to the people." '''To take a single step beyond the boundaries thus specially drawn around the powers of Congress, is to take possession of a boundless field of power, no longer susceptible of any definition.<br> The incorporation of a bank, and the powers assumed by this bill, have not, in my opinion, been delegated to the United States, by the Constitution... They are not among the powers specially enumerated... ** [[s:Opinion against the Constitutionality of a National Bank|Opinion against the constitutionality of a National Bank]] (1791), also quoted in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' "Memorial Edition" (20 Vols., 1903-04) edited by [[w:Andrew A. Lipscomb|Andrew A. Lipscomb]] and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. 3, p. 146 * Timid men prefer the calm of despotism to the tempestuous sea of liberty. ** Letter to his Italian friend, Philip Mazzei (1796) * '''No body wishes more than I do to see such proofs as you exhibit, that nature has given to our black brethren, talents equal to those of the other colors of men''', and that the appearance of a want of them is owing merely to the degraded condition of their existence, both in Africa & America. I can add with truth, that no body wishes more ardently to see a good system commenced for raising the condition both of their body & mind to what it ought to be, as fast as the imbecility of their present existence, and other circumstances which cannot be neglected, will admit. ** [http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/r?ammem/mtj:@field(DOCID+@lit(tj060149)) Letter to Benjamin Banneker (30 August 1791)], quoted in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1853), p. 291 * '''I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty, than those attending too small a degree of it.''' ** Letter to Archibald Stuart [http://faculty.maxwell.syr.edu/skjolly/jeffersonianfederalism.pdf] [http://books.google.com/books?id=ZTIoAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA837#v=onepage&q=&f=false], Philadelphia (23 December 1791) * Let what will be said or done, preserve your ''sang-froid'' immovably, and to every obstacle, oppose patience, perseverance, and soothing language. ** Letter to William Short (18 March 1792) * '''Delay is preferable to error.''' ** Letter to [[George Washington]] (16 May 1792) * No government ought to be without censors; and where the press is free no one ever will. ** Letter to [[George Washington]] (9 September 1792) * The liberty of the whole earth was depending on the issue of the contest, and was ever such a prize won with so little innocent blood? My own affections have been deeply wounded by some of the martyrs to this cause, but rather than it should have failed, I would have seen half the earth desolated. Were there but an Adam & an Eve left in every country, & left free, it would be better than as it now is. ** Letter to William Short (January 3, 1793), quoted in Stanley Elkins and Eric McKitrick, ''The Age of Federalism'' (1995), pp. 316–317 * We confide in our strength, without boasting of it; we respect that of others, without fearing it. ** Letter to William Carmichael and William Short (1793) * One loves to possess arms, though they hope never to have occasion for them. ** Letter to [[George Washington]] (1796); published in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', 20 Vols.,<!-- Lipscomb and Bergh, editors, --> Washington, D.C., (1903-04), 9:341 * The second office of the government is honorable and easy, the first is but a splendid misery. ** Letter to [[w:Elbridge Gerry|Elbridge Gerry]] (13 May 1797) * It was by the sober sense of our citizens that we were safely and steadily conducted from monarchy to republicanism, and it is by the same agency alone we can be kept from falling back. ** Letter to Arthur Campbell (1797) * '''A little patience, and we shall see the reign of [[witches]] pass over, their spells dissolve, and the people, recovering their true sight, restore their government to its true principles.''' It is true that in the meantime we are suffering deeply in spirit, and incurring the horrors of a war and long oppressions of enormous [[public debt]]. If the game runs sometimes against us at home we must have patience till luck turns, and then we shall have an opportunity of winning back the principles we have lost, for this is a game where principles are at stake. ** From a letter to [[w:John Taylor (1770-1832)|John Taylor]] (June 1798), after the passage of the [[w:Alien and Sedition Acts|Alien and Sedition Acts]] * War is an instrument entirely inefficient toward redressing wrong; and multiplies, instead of indemnifying losses. ** Letter to John Sinclair (1798) * As pure a son of liberty as I have ever known. ** Statement about [[Tadeusz Kościuszko]], in a letter to Horatio Gates (1798) * '''I am for freedom of religion, & against all maneuvres to bring about a legal ascendancy of one sect over another''', for freedom of the press, and against all violations of the Constitution to silence by force and not by reason the complaints or criticisms, just or unjust, of our citizens against the conduct of their agents. ** [http://www.constitution.org/tj/jeff10.txt Letter to Elbridge Gerry] (26 January 1799); published in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', Memorial Edition <!-- (ME) (Lipscomb and Bergh, editors) --> 20 Vols., Washington, D.C., 1903-04, Volume 10, p. 78 * '''Commerce with all nations, alliance with none, should be our motto.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/16783/16783-h/16783-h.htm#2H_4_0253| Letter to Thomas Lomax (12 March 1799)] * While the art of printing is left to us '''science can never be retrograde; what is once acquired of real knowlege can never be lost.''' ** [http://www.princeton.edu/~tjpapers/munford/munford.html Letter to William Green Mumford (18 June 1799)] * '''To preserve the freedom of the human mind then and freedom of the press, every spirit should be ready to devote itself to martyrdom; for as long as we may think as we will, and speak as we think, the condition of man will proceed in improvement.''' The generation which is going off the stage has deserved well of mankind for the struggles it has made, and for having arrested the course of despotism which had overwhelmed the world for thousands and thousands of years. If there seems to be danger that the ground they have gained will be lost again, that danger comes from the generation your contemporary. But that the enthusiasm which characterizes youth should lift its parricide hands against freedom and science would be such a monstrous phenomenon as I cannot place among possible things in this age and country. ** [http://www.princeton.edu/~tjpapers/munford/munford.html Letter to William Green Mumford (18 June 1799)] ==== [[w:Kentucky and Virginia Resolutions|Kentucky Resolutions of 1798]] ==== : <small>[[s:Kentucky Resolutions of 1798|The Kentucky Resolutions of 1798]] (10 November 1798), written secretly by Jefferson, against the [[w:Alien and Sedition Acts|Alien and Sedition Acts]]</small> * '''This commonwealth is determined, as it doubts not its co-states are, to submit to undelegated and consequently unlimited powers in no man, or body of men, on earth'''; that, if the acts before specified should stand, these conclusions would flow from them — that the general government may place any act they think proper on the list of crimes, and punish it themselves, whether enumerated or not enumerated by the Constitution as cognizable by them; that they may transfer its cognizance to the President, or any other person, who may himself be the accuser, counsel, judge, and jury, whose suspicions may be the evidence, his order the sentence, his officer the executioner, and his breast the sole record of the transaction; that a very numerous and valuable description of the inhabitants of these states, being, by this precedent, reduced, as outlaws, to absolute dominion of one man, and the barriers of the Constitution thus swept from us all, no rampart now remains against the passions and the power of a majority of Congress, to protect from a like exportation, or other grievous punishment, the minority of the same body, the legislatures, judges, governors, and counsellors of the states, nor their other '''peaceable inhabitants, who may venture to reclaim the constitutional rights and liberties of the states and people, or who for other causes, good or bad, may be obnoxious to the view, or marked by the suspicions, of the President, or be thought dangerous to his or their elections, or other interests, public or personal; that the friendless alien has been selected as the safest subject of a first experiment; but the citizen will soon follow, or rather has already followed; for already has a Sedition Act marked him as a prey''': That these and successive acts of the same character, unless arrested on the threshold, may tend to drive these states into revolution and blood, and will furnish new calumnies against republican governments, and new pretexts for those who wish it to be believed that man cannot be governed but by a rod of iron; that '''it would be a [[dangerous]] [[delusion]] were a [[confidence]] in the men of our [[choice]] to [[silence]] our [[fears]] for the [[safety]] of our [[rights]]; that confidence is every where the parent of [[despotism]]; [[free]] [[government]] is founded in [[jealousy]], and not in confidence; it is jealousy, and not confidence, which prescribes limited constitutions to bind down those whom we are [[obliged]] to [[trust]] with [[power]]; that [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]] has accordingly fixed the limits to which, and no farther, our confidence may go'''; and let the [[honest]] advocate of confidence read the [[w:Alien and Sedition Acts|Alien and Sedition Acts]], and say if the Constitution has not been [[wise]] in fixing limits to the government it created, and whether we should be wise in [[destroying]] those limits; let him say what the government is, if it be not a [[tyranny]], which the men of our choice have conferred on [[President of the United States|the President]], and the President of our choice has assented to and accepted, over the [[friendly]] [[strangers]], to whom the mild [[spirit]] of [[United States|our country]] and its [[laws]] had pledged [[hospitality]] and [[protection]]; that the men of our choice have more [[respected]] the bare [[suspicions]] of the President than the solid rights of [[innocence]], the claims of justification, the [[sacred]] [[force]] of [[truth]], and the forms and [[substance]] of law and [[justice]]. <br> '''In questions of power, then, let no more be said of confidence in man, but bind him down from [[mischief]] by the chains of the Constitution.''' ** Resolution 9 === 1800s === [[File:Jefferson statue Rotunda University of Virginia.jpg|thumb|I have sworn upon the altar of god eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man.]] [[File:As08-16-2593.jpg|thumb|The [[happiness]] of [[mankind]] is best promoted by the useful pursuits of peace.]] [[File:Priestley Riots painting.jpg|thumb| What an effort, my dear sir, of bigotry in politics and religion have we gone through! The barbarians really flattered themselves they should be able to bring back the times of Vandalism...]] [[File:ThomasJeffersonByRobertField.jpg|thumb|If we do not learn to sacrifice small differences of opinion, we can never act together. Every man cannot have his way in all things. If his own opinion prevails at some times, he should acquiesce on seeing that of others preponderate at others. Without this mutual disposition we are disjointed individuals, but not a society.]] [[File:Andrew Johnson impeachment trial.jpg|thumb|The greatest good we can do our country is to heal it’s party divisions & make them one people. I do not speak of their leaders who are incurable, but of the honest and well-intentioned body of the people.]] [[File:Jefferson Memorial (cropped).jpg|thumb|The care of human life and happiness, and not their destruction, is the first and only legitimate object of good government.]] * When the clergy addressed General Washington on his departure from the government, it was observed in their consultation that he had never on any occasion said a word to the public which showed a belief in the Christian religion and they thought they should so pen their address as to force him at length to declare publicly whether he was a Christian or not. They did so. However [Dr.&nbsp;Rush] observed the old fox was too cunning for them. He answered every article of their address particularly except that, which he passed over without notice. Rush observes he never did say a word on the subject in any of his public papers except in his valedictory letter to the Governors of the states when he resigned his commission in the army, wherein he speaks of the benign influence of the Christian religion. I know that Gouverneur Morris, who pretended to be in his secrets & believed himself to be so, has often told me that General Washington believed no more of that system than he himself did. ** The ''Anas'' (February 1, 1800). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-01_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;1], pp.&nbsp;352–353 * The returning good sense of our country threatens abortion to their hopes, & '''they believe that any portion of power confided to me, will be exerted in opposition to their schemes. And they believe rightly'''; for '''I have sworn upon the altar of god eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man.''' But this is all they have to fear from me: and enough, too, in their opinion. ** On members of the clergy who sought to establish some form of "official" Christianity in the U.S. government. Letter to Dr. Benjamin Rush (23 September 1800) ** This has commonly been quoted as "'''I have sworn upon the altar of God Eternal, hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man'''", '''"I have sworn upon the altar of God eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man"''', and "'''I have sworn upon the altar of God, eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man.'''" Neither capitalization of "god" and "eternal", nor a comma before or after "eternal" are apparent in the original. [http://memory.loc.gov/master/mss/mtj/mtj1/022/0400/0440.jpg Photograph of the original manuscript at the Library of Congress] - [http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/r?ammem/mtj:@field(DOCID+@lit(tj090069)) LOC transcription] <!-- NOTE : though this transcription has a comma between god and eternal in there is no comma apparent in the photograph and where grammar might best place it remains ambiguous. --> ** The first portion of this statement has also been widely paraphrased as "The clergy believe that any power confided in me will be exerted in opposition to their schemes, and they believe rightly". * I am not afraid to appeal to the nation at large, to posterity, and still less to that Being Who sees Himself our motives, Who will judge us from His own knowledge of them. ** ''Writings'' (1904), Vol. XI, p. 44, to Abigail Adams on July 22, 1804. * Believing that '''the happiness of mankind is best promoted by the useful pursuits of peace''', that on these alone a stable prosperity can be founded, that the evils of war are great in their endurance, and have a long reckoning for ages to come, I have used my best endeavors to keep our country uncommitted in the troubles which afflict Europe, and which assail us on every side. ** Letter to the Young Republicans of Pittsburg (December 2, 1808); H. A. Washington, ed., ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', vol. 8, p. 142 (1871). Source: Library of Congress (February 18, 2010): [https://books.google.de/books?id=91IFAYFhtOMC&pg=PA162&lpg=PA162&dq=Thomas+Jefferson+The+happiness+of+mankind+is+best+promoted+by+the+useful+pursuits+of+peace.&source=bl&ots=pji6w9TkIk&sig=ACfU3U3XP12ggXMNkavR_5LT5TUSgZEQ-w&hl=de&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiUk7TKlZj Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations, page 162]. Published by ‎Dover Publications. ==== First Inaugural Address (1801) ==== [[File:Scene_at_the_Signing_of_the_Constitution_of_the_United_States.jpg|thumb|All, too, will bear in mind this sacred principle, that though the will of the majority is in all cases to prevail, that will to be rightful must be reasonable; that the minority possess their equal rights, which equal law must protect, and to violate would be oppression.]] [[File:Anger during a protest by David Shankbone.jpg|thumb|Every difference of opinion is not a difference of principle.]] [[File:Tjefferson.jpeg|thumb|Error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it.]] : <small>[[s:Thomas Jefferson's First Inaugural Address|Thomas Jefferson's First Inaugural Address]] (4 March 1801)</small> * '''All, too, will bear in mind this sacred principle, that though the will of the majority is in all cases to prevail, that will to be rightful must be reasonable; that the minority possess their equal rights, which equal law must protect, and to violate would be oppression.''' Let us, then, fellow-citizens, unite with one heart and one mind. Let us restore to social intercourse that harmony and affection without which liberty and even life itself are but dreary things. * '''Every difference of opinion is not a difference of principle.''' We have called by different names brethren of the same principle. We are all [[w:Democratic-Republican Party|Republicans]], we are all [[w:Federalist Party|Federalists]]. * If there be any among us who would wish to dissolve this Union or to change its republican form, let them stand undisturbed as monuments of the safety with which '''error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it.''' * I know, indeed, that some honest men fear that a republican government can not be strong, that this Government is not strong enough; but would the honest patriot, in the full tide of successful experiment, abandon a government which has so far kept us free and firm on the theoretic and visionary fear that [[Abraham Lincoln#Second_State_of_the_Union_address_(1862)|this Government, the world's best hope]], may by possibility want energy to preserve itself? I trust not. * Sometimes it is said that man can not be trusted with the government of himself. '''Can he, then, be trusted with the government of others? Or have we found angels in the forms of kings to govern him? Let history answer this question.''' * With all these blessings, what more is necessary to make us a happy and prosperous people? Still one thing more, fellow-citizens,—'''A wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. This is the sum of good government''', and this is necessary to close the circle of our felicities. * About to enter, fellow-citizens, on the exercise of duties which comprehend everything dear and valuable to you, it is proper you should understand what I deem the essential principles of our Government, and consequently those which ought to shape its Administration. I will compress them within the narrowest compass they will bear, stating the general principle, but not all its limitations. '''Equal and exact justice to all men, of whatever state or persuasion, religious or political; peace, commerce, and honest friendship with all nations, entangling alliances with none; the support of the State governments in all their rights, as the most competent administrations for our domestic concerns and the surest bulwarks against antirepublican tendencies; the preservation of the General Government in its whole constitutional vigor, as the sheet anchor of our peace at home and safety abroad; a jealous care of the right of election by the people -- a mild and safe corrective of abuses which are lopped by the sword of revolution where peaceable remedies are unprovided; absolute acquiescence in the decisions of the majority, the vital principle of republics, from which is no appeal but to force, the vital principle and immediate parent of despotism; a well-disciplined militia, our best reliance in peace and for the first moments of war till regulars may relieve them; the supremacy of the civil over the military authority; economy in the public expense, that labor may be lightly burthened; the honest payment of our debts and sacred preservation of the public faith; encouragement of agriculture, and of commerce as its handmaid; the diffusion of information and arraignment of all abuses at the bar of the public reason; freedom of religion; freedom of the press, and freedom of person under the protection of the ''habeas corpus'', and trial by juries impartially selected. These principles''' form the bright constellation which has gone before us and guided our steps through an age of revolution and reformation. The wisdom of our sages and blood of our heroes have been devoted to their attainment. They''' should be the creed of our political faith, the text of civic instruction, the touchstone by which to try the services of those we trust; and should we wander from them in moments of error or of alarm, let us hasten to retrace our steps and to regain the road which alone leads to peace, liberty, and safety.''' * I repair, then, fellow-citizens, to the post you have assigned me. With experience enough in subordinate offices to have seen the difficulties of this the greatest of all, '''I have learnt to expect that it will rarely fall to the lot of imperfect man to retire from this station with the reputation and the favor which bring him into it.''' * I shall often go wrong through defect of judgment. When right, I shall often be thought wrong by those whose positions will not command a view of the whole ground. '''I ask your indulgence for my own errors, which will never be intentional, and your support against the errors of others, who may condemn what they would not if seen in all its parts'''. * I advance with obedience to the work, '''ready to retire from it whenever you become sensible how much better choice it is in your power to make'''. ==== First Presidential Administration (1801&ndash;1805) ==== * '''Yours is one of the few lives precious to mankind, and for the continuance of which every thinking man is solicitous. Bigots may be an exception.''' What an effort, my dear sir, of bigotry in politics and religion have we gone through! The barbarians really flattered themselves they should be able to bring back the times of Vandalism, when ignorance put everything into the hands of power and priestcraft. All advances in science were proscribed as innovations. They pretended to praise and encourage education, but it was to be the education of our ancestors. '''We were to look backwards, not forwards, for improvement ... This was the real ground of all the attacks on you.''' Those who live by mystery & ''charlatanerie'', fearing you would render them useless by simplifying the Christian philosophy — the most sublime and benevolent, but most perverted system that ever shone on man — endeavored to crush your well-earned & well-deserved fame. ** [http://eText.Lib.Virginia.edu/etcbin/toccer-new2?id=JefLett.sgm&images=images/modeng&data=/texts/english/modeng/parsed&tag=public&part=136&division=div1 Letter] to Dr. [[Joseph Priestley]] (21 March 1801); published in ''The Life of Thomas Jefferson'' (1871) by Henry Stephens Randall, Vol. 2, p. 644; this seems to be the source of a misleading abbreviation: "[Christianity is] the most ... perverted system that ever shone on man". * It is rare that the public sentiment decides immorally or unwisely, and the individual who differs from it ought to distrust and examine well his own opinion. ** Letter to William Findley, Washington (21 March 1801); published in ''Thomas Jefferson - A chronology of his thoughts'' (2002) by Jerry Holmes, [http://books.google.de/books?id=iOHNKGJGo94C&pg=PA175&lpg=PA175&dq=It+is+rare+that+the+public+sentiment+decides+immorally+or+unwisely,+and+the+individual+who+differs+from+it+ought+to+distrust+and+examine+well+his+own+opinion&source=bl&ots=lUHnglNeTO&sig=OfEnoz8qmlxJq-5jIEvC8dD1hOk&hl=de&sa=X&ei=V_zAUPqeCsjGtAaZ-YGYDQ&ved=0CEMQ6AEwAzgK#v=onepage&q=It%20is%20rare%20that%20the%20public%20sentiment%20decides%20immorally%20or%20unwisely%2C%20and%20the%20individual%20who%20differs%20from%20it%20ought%20to%20distrust%20and%20examine%20well%20his%20own%20opinion&f=false p. 175] * Of the various executive abilities, no one excited more anxious concern than that of placing the interests of our fellow-citizens in the hands of honest men, with understanding sufficient for their stations. No duty is at the same time more difficult to fulfil. The knowledge of character possessed by a single individual is of necessity limited. To seek out the best through the whole Union, we must resort to the information which from the best of men, acting disinterestedly and with the purest motives, is sometimes incorrect. ** Letter to Elias Shipman and others of New Haven (12 July 1801). Paraphrased in John B. McMaster, ''History of the People of the United States'' (ii. 586): "One sentence will undoubtedly be remembered till our republic ceases to exist. 'No duty the Executive had to perform was so trying,' [Jefferson] observed, 'as to put the right man in the right place.'" * '''If a due participation of office is a matter of right, how are vacancies to be obtained? Those by death are few; by resignation, none.''' ** Letter to Elias Shipman and others of New Haven (12 July 1801). Often misquoted as, "few die and none resign". * I am sorry the person recommended has not been agreeable to all the republicans, but I am more concerned to see in this disapprobation a germ of division which, if not smothered, will continue you under that rule from which union is relieving our fellow citizens in other states. It is disheartening to see, on the approaching crisis of election, a division of that description of Republicans, which has certainly no strength to spare. But, my dear friend, '''if we do not learn to sacrifice small differences of opinion, we can never act together. Every man cannot have his way in all things. If his own opinion prevails at some times, he should acquiesce on seeing that of others preponderate at others. Without this mutual disposition we are disjointed individuals, but not a society.''' My position is painful enough between federalists who cry out on the first touch of their monopoly, and republicans who clamor for universal removal. A subdivision of the latter will increase the perplexity. I am proceeding with deliberation and inquiry to do what I think just to both descriptions and conciliatory to both. '''The greatest good we can do our country is to heal it’s party divisions & make them one people. I do not speak of their leaders who are incurable, but of the honest and well-intentioned body of the people.''' I consider the pure [[w:Federalist Party|federalist]] as a republican who would prefer a somewhat stronger executive; and the [[w:Democratic-Republican Party|republican]] as one more willing to trust the legislature as a broader representation of the people, and a safer deposit of power for many reasons. But both sects are republican, entitled to the confidence of their fellow citizens. Not so their quondam leaders, covering under the mask of federalism hearts devoted to monarchy. The [[w:Alexander Hamilton|Hamiltonians]], the [http://www.monticello.org/mulberry-row/people/essex Essex-men], the revolutionary [[w:Loyalist (American Revolution)|tories]] &c. They have a right to tolerance, but neither to confidence nor power. It is very important that the pure federalist and republican should see in the opinion of each other but a shade of his own, which by a union of action will be lessened by one-half: that they should see & fear the monarchist as their common enemy, on whom they should keep their eyes, but keep off their hands. ** [[w:Thomas Jefferson|Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[w:John Dickinson (politician)|John Dickinson]] (23 July 1801), published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://files.libertyfund.org/files/757/0054-09_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;9], pp.&nbsp;280-282. * The [[w:1800 United States Census|new Census]] shews our increase to be in the geometrical ratio of 3 1/6 pr. cent annually which gives a duplication in 22 y— 3 m equal to the most sanguine of our calculations. '''We are already about the 7th. of the Christian nations in population''', but holding a higher place in substantial abilities. If we can keep at peace for our time the next generation will have nothing to fear but from their '''own''' want of moderation in the use of their strength. ** Letter to [[w:Gouverneur Morris|Gouverneur Morris]] (Washington, 1 Nov. 1801)[http://books.google.com/books?ei=QCErUJm8Isa40QGxpYGQDw&id=g40TAQAAMAAJ&dq=%22moderation+in+the+use+of+their+strength%22+%22prc%22&q=+%22gouverneur+morris+1+november%22#search_anchor]. In ''The Papers of Thomas Jefferson, Volume 35: 1 August to 30 November 1801'', Barbara B. Oberg, ed., [[w:Princeton University Press|Princeton]], 2008, {{ISBN|0691137730}} {{ISBN|9780691137735}}, p. 545. [http://books.google.com/books?id=g40TAQAAMAAJ&q=%22we+are+already+about+the+7th.+of+the+Christian+nations+in+population%22&dq=%22we+are+already+about+the+7th.+of+the+Christian+nations+in+population%22&source=bl&ots=l-3X05AYj4&sig=5A2f5Vb2jWfHIp_u-GWCr57V3Wk&hl=en&sa=X&ei=xBorUKeTD4Sa8gTI14Eo&ved=0CDcQ6AEwAQ]<br>Editor's notes at bottom of letter: PrC (DLC); at foot of text: ''"Gouverneur Morris esq." 1 Word underlined''. [PrC=press copy; DLC= Library of Congress. ''See'' "EDITORIAL METHOD AND APPARATUS", sec. 3, "Descriptive Symbols," xvi-xvii[http://books.google.com/books?ei=QCErUJm8Isa40QGxpYGQDw&id=g40TAQAAMAAJ&dq=%22moderation+in+the+use+of+their+strength%22+%22prc%22&q=%22editorial+method+and+apparatus%22#search_anchor] Editor notes that "All manuscripts of the above types are assumed to be in the hand of the author of the document to which the descriptive symbol pertains."). In manuscript to G. Morris, Jefferson underlined the word ''own.''] [http://books.google.com/books?id=g40TAQAAMAAJ&q=%22moderation+in+the+use+of+their+strength%22+%22prc%22&dq=%22moderation+in+the+use+of+their+strength%22+%22prc%22&source=bl&ots=l-3X05B3f4&sig=zI61eSTLmF8oS_39uH_czY69CEo&hl=en&sa=X&ei=QCErUJm8Isa40QGxpYGQDw&ved=0CC8Q6AEwAA] * Considering the general tendency to multiply offices and dependencies and to increase expense to the ultimate term of burden which the citizen can bear, it behooves us to avail ourselves of every occasion which presents itself for taking off the surcharge; that it never may be seen here that, after leaving to labor the smallest portion of its earnings on which it can subsist, Government shall itself consume the whole residue of what it was instituted to guard. ** [[s:Thomas Jefferson's First State of the Union Address|Thomas Jefferson's First State of the Union Address]] (8 December 1801) * I can not omit recommending a revisal of the laws on the subject of naturalization. Considering the ordinary chances of human life, a denial of citizenship under a residence of 14 years is a denial to a great proportion of those who ask it, and controls a policy pursued from their 1st settlement by many of these States, and still believed of consequence to their prosperity; and shall we refuse to the unhappy fugitives from distress that hospitality which the savages of the wilderness extended to our fathers arriving in this land? Shall oppressed humanity find no asylum on this globe? The Constitution indeed has wisely provided that for admission to certain offices of important trust a residence shall be required sufficient to develop character and design. But might not the general character and capabilities of a citizen be safely communicated to everyone manifesting a bona fide purpose of embarking his life and fortunes permanently with us, with restrictions, perhaps, to guard against the fraudulent usurpation of our flag, an abuse which brings so much embarrassment and loss on the genuine citizen and so much danger to the nation of being involved in war that no endeavor should be spared to detect and suppress it? ** [[s:Thomas Jefferson's First State of the Union Address|Thomas Jefferson's First State of the Union Address]] (8 December 1801) * They have retired into the Judiciary as a stronghold. There the remains of federalism are to be preserved and fed from the Treasury; and from that battery all the works of republicanism are to be beaten down and erased. ** Letter to J. Dickinson (19 December 1801) * Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between man and his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legislative powers of government reach actions only, and not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should ''"make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,"'' thus '''building a wall of separation between church and State'''. ** Letter to Danbury Baptist Association, CT. (1 January 1802) This statement is the origin of the often used phrase ''"separation of Church and State"''. * If we can but prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people, under the pretense of taking care of them, they must become happy. ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-39-02-0070 Letter to Thomas Cooper (29 November 1802)] * '''To the corruptions of Christianity I am indeed opposed; but not to the genuine precepts of [[Jesus]] himself.''' I am a Christian, in the only sense he wished any one to be; sincerely attached to his doctrines, in preference to all others; ascribing to himself every human excellence; & believing he never claimed any other. ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-40-02-0178-0001 Letter to Benjamin Rush (12 April 1803)] * '''His parentage was obscure; his condition poor; his education null; his natural endowments great; his life correct and innocent: he was meek, benevolent, patient, firm, disinterested, & of the sublimest eloquence.'''<br>The disadvantages under which his doctrines appear are remarkable.<br>1. Like [[Socrates]] & [[Epictetus]], he wrote nothing himself.<br>2. But he had not, like them, a [[w:Xenophon|Xenophon]] or an [[w:Arrian|Arrian]] to write for him. On the contrary, all the learned of his country, entrenched in its power and riches, were opposed to him, lest his labors should undermine their advantages; and the committing to writing his life & doctrines fell on the most unlettered & ignorant men; who wrote, too, from memory, & not till long after the transactions had passed.<br>3. According to the ordinary fate of those who attempt to enlighten and reform mankind, he fell an early victim to the jealousy & combination of the altar and the throne, at about 33. years of age, his reason having not yet attained the maximum of its energy, nor the course of his preaching, which was but of 3. years at most, presented occasions for developing a complete system of morals.<br>4. Hence the doctrines which he really delivered were defective as a whole, and fragments only of what he did deliver have come to us mutilated, misstated, & often unintelligible.<br>5. They have been still more disfigured by the corruptions of schismatising followers, who have found an interest in sophisticating & perverting the simple doctrines he taught by engrafting on them the mysticisms of a Grecian sophist, frittering them into subtleties, & obscuring them with jargon, until they have caused good men to reject the whole in disgust, & to view Jesus himself as an impostor.<br>Notwithstanding these disadvantages, a system of morals is presented to us, which, if filled up in the true style and spirit of the rich fragments he left us, would be the most perfect and sublime that has ever been taught by man.<br>The question of his being a member of the Godhead, or in direct communication with it, claimed for him by some of his followers, and denied by others, is foreign to the present view, which is merely an estimate of the intrinsic merit of his doctrines.<br>1. He corrected the Deism of the Jews, confirming them in their belief of one only God, and giving them juster notions of his attributes and government.<br>2. His moral doctrines, relating to kindred & friends, were more pure & perfect than those of the most correct of the philosophers, and greatly more so than those of the Jews; and they went far beyond both in inculcating universal philanthropy, not only to kindred and friends, to neighbors and countrymen, but to all mankind, gathering all into one family, under the bonds of love, charity, peace, common wants and common aids. A development of this head will evince the peculiar superiority of the system of Jesus over all others.<br>3. The precepts of philosophy, & of the Hebrew code, laid hold of actions only. He pushed his scrutinies into the heart of man; erected his tribunal in the region of his thoughts, and purified the waters at the fountain head.<br>4. He taught, emphatically, the doctrines of a future state, which was either doubted, or disbelieved by the Jews; and wielded it with efficacy, as an important incentive, supplementary to the other motives to moral conduct. ** [http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/jeff1122.htm "Syllabus of an Estimate of the Merit of the Doctrines of Jesus, Compared with Those of Others" in a letter to Benjamin Rush (12 April 1803)]. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-09_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;9 ''Works'' Vol. 9 (PDF)], pp.&nbsp;462 * I never will, by any word or act, bow to the shrine of intolerance, or admit a right of inquiry into the religious opinions of others. ** Letter to [[w:Edward Dowse|Edward Dowse]] (19 April 1803) * '''There is no act, however virtuous, for which ingenuity may not find some bad motive.''' ** Letter to Edward Dowse (19 April 1803) * The inhabitants of the ceded territory shall be incorporated in the Union of the United States, and admitted as soon as possible, according to the principles of the Federal constitution, to the enjoyment of all the rights, advantages, and immunities, of citizens of the United States; and, in the mean time, they shall be maintained and protected in the free enjoyment of their liberty, property, and the religion which they profess. ** Louisiana Treaty of Cession, Art. III (30 April 1803) * The Constitution has made no provision for our holding foreign territory, still less for incorporating foreign nations into our Union. The Executive, in seizing the fugitive occurrence which so much advances the good of their country, have done an act beyond the Constitution. The Legislature, in casting behind them metaphysical subtleties and risking themselves like faithful servants, must ratify and pay for it, and throw themselves on their country for doing for them unauthorized what we know they would have done for themselves had they been in a situation to do it. ** On the Louisiana Purchase, Letter to John Breckinridge (12 August 1803) * Louisiana, as ceded by France to the United States, is made a part of the United States; its white inhabitants shall be citizens, and stand, as to their rights and obligations, on the same footing with other citizens of the United States, in analogous situations. ** Draft of proposed Amendment to the Constitution by Jefferson, who thought an amendment would be necessary to authorize the Louisiana Purchase to be incorporated into the United States (August 1803) * I observe an idea of establishing a branch bank of the United States in New Orleans. This institution is one of the most deadly hostility existing against the principles and form of our Constitution. The nation is at this time so strong and united in its sentiments that it cannot be shaken at this moment. But suppose a series of untoward events should occur sufficient to bring into doubt the competency of a republican government to meet a crisis of great danger, or to unhinge the confidence of the people in the public functionaries; an institution like this, penetrating by its branches every part of the union, acting by command and in phalanx may, in a critical moment, upset the government. I deem no government safe which is under the vassalage of any self-constituted authorities, or any other authority than that of the nation or its regular functionaries. What an obstruction could not this Bank of the United States, with al its branch banks, be in time of war! It might dictate to us the peace we should accept, or withdraw its aids. Ought we then to give further growth to an institution so powerful, so hostile? ** [http://etext.virginia.edu/jefferson/biog/lj34.htm Letter to Albert Gallatin (13 December 1803)] ME 10:437 : ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' "Memorial Edition" (20 Vols., 1903-04) edited by [[w:Andrew A. Lipscomb|Andrew A. Lipscomb]] and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. 10, p. 437 * I see too many proofs of the imperfection of human reason, to entertain wonder or intolerance at any difference of opinion on any subject; and acquiesce in that difference as easily as on a difference of feature or form; '''experience''' having long '''taught me the reasonableness of mutual sacrifices of opinion among those who are to act together for any common object, and the expediency of doing what good we can, when we cannot do all we would wish.''' ** Letter to [[w:John Randolph of Roanoke|John Randolph]] (1 December 1803), published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://files.libertyfund.org/files/806/0054-10_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;109], pp.&nbsp;54 * No experiment can be more interesting than that we are now trying, and which we trust will end in establishing the fact, that '''man may be governed by reason and truth. Our first object should therefore be, to leave open to him all the avenues to truth. The most effectual hitherto found, is the freedom of the press. It is, therefore, the first shut up by those who fear the investigation of their actions.''' ** [http://www.constitution.org/tj/jeff11.txt Letter to Judge John Tyler] (June 28, 1804); in: ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', Memorial Edition (ME) (Lipscomb and Bergh, editors), 20 Vols., Washington, D.C., 1903-04, Volume 11, page 33 * You seem to think it devolved on the judges to decide on the validity of the sedition law. but nothing in the constitution has given them a right to decide for the executive, more than to the Executive to decide for them. Both magistracies are equally independant in the sphere of action assigned to them. The judges, believing the law constitutional, had a right to pass a sentence of fine and imprisonment; because that power was placed in their hands by the constitution. But the Executive, believing the law to be unconstitutional, was bound to remit the execution of it; because that power has been confided to him by the constitution '''That instrument(The Constitution) meant that its coordinate branches should be checks on each other. But the opinion which gives to the judges the right to decide what laws are constitutional and what not, not only for themselves in their own sphere of action but for the Legislature and Executive also in their spheres, would make the Judiciary a despotic branch.''' ** Letter to [[Abigail Adams]] about the Sedition Acts (1804) [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/99-01-02-0348] ==== Second Inaugural Address (1805) ==== : <small>[[s:Thomas Jefferson's Second Inaugural Address|Thomas Jefferson's Second Inaugural Address]] (4 March 1805)</small> * We are firmly convinced, and we act on that conviction, that with nations, as with individuals, our interests, soundly calculated, will ever be found inseparable from our moral duties; and history bears witness to the fact that a just nation is taken on its word, when recourse is had to armaments and wars to bridle others. * These contributions [federal taxes on consumption of foreign goods] enable us to support the current expenses of the Government, to fulfill contracts with foreign nations, to extinguish the native right of soil within our limits, to extend those limits, and to apply such a surplus to our [[public debts]] as places at a short day their final redemption, and that redemption [of debt] once effected," he said, "the revenue thereby liberated may, by a just repartition among the States and a corresponding amendment of the Constitution, be applied, ''in time of peace'', to rivers, canals, roads, arts, manufactures, education, and other great objects within each State. ''In time of war'',—if injustice, by ourselves or others, must sometimes produce war,— increased as the same revenue will be increased by population and consumption, and aided by other resources reserved for that crisis, it may meet within the year all the expenses of the year without encroaching on the rights of future generations by burdening them with the debts of the past. War will then be but a suspension of useful works, and a return to a state of peace a return to the progress of improvement. ** Advising the origination of an annual fund from surplus revenue. ==== Second Presidential Administration (1805-1809) ==== [[File:Harriet Tubman Civil War Woodcut.jpg|thumb|For a people who are free, and who mean to remain so, a well organized and armed militia is their best security.]] [[File:Captive Slave.jpg|thumb|I congratulate you, fellow citizens, on the approach of the period at which you may interpose your authority constitutionally to withdraw the citizens of the United States from all further participation in [[Slavery|those violations of human rights]] which have been so long continued on the unoffending inhabitants of Africa, and which the morality, the reputation, and the best of our country have long been eager to proscribe.]] [[File:Motto frederick douglass 2.jpg|thumb|Nobody wishes more than I do to see such proofs as you exhibit, that nature has given to [[w:African American|our black brethren]], talents equal to those of the other colors of men.]] [[File:Unidentified Artist - Frederick Douglass - Google Art Project-restore.png|thumb|Be assured that no person living wishes more sincerely than I do, to see a complete refutation of the doubts I have myself entertained and expressed on the grade of understanding allotted to [[w:African American|them]] by nature, and to find that in this respect [[w:African American|they]] are on a par with ourselves.]] [[File:GodfreyKneller-IsaacNewton-1689.jpg|thumb|But whatever be [[w:African American|their]] degree of talent it is no measure of [[w:African American|their]] rights. Because Sir Isaac Newton was superior to others in understanding, he was not therefore lord of the person or property of others.]] [[File:Frederick Douglas NYHS c1866.jpg|thumb|On this subject they are gaining daily in the opinions of nations, and hopeful advances are making towards their reestablishment on an equal footing with the other colors of the human family.]] * The question therefore now comes forward, To what other objects shall these surpluses be appropriated, and the whole surplus of impost, after the entire discharge of the [[public debt]], and during those intervals when the purposes of war shall not call for them? Shall we suppress the impost and give that advantage to foreign over domestic manufactures? On a few articles of more general and necessary use the suppression in due season will doubtless be right, but the great mass of the articles on which impost is paid are foreign luxuries, purchased by those only who are rich enough to afford themselves the use of them. <br> Their patriotism would certainly prefer its continuance and application to the great purposes of the public education, roads, rivers, canals, and such other objects of public improvement as it may be thought proper to add to the constitutional enumeration of Federal powers. By these operations new channels of communications will be opened between the States, the lines of separation will disappear, their interests will be identified, and their union cemented by new and indissoluble ties. Education is here placed among the articles of public care, not that it would be proposed to take its ordinary branches out of the hands of private enterprise, which manages so much better all the concerns to which it is equal, but a public institution can alone supply those sciences which though rarely called for are yet necessary to complete the circle, all the parts of which contribute to the improvement of the country and some of them to its preservation. ** [[s:Thomas Jefferson's Sixth State of the Union Address|Thomas Jefferson's Sixth State of the Union Address]] (2 December 1806). Advising the origination of an annual fund to be spent through new constitutional powers (by new amendments) from projected surplus revenue. * '''I congratulate you, fellow citizens, on the approach of the period at which you may interpose your authority constitutionally to withdraw the citizens of the United States from all further participation in [[Slavery|those violations of human rights]] which have been so long continued on the un-offending inhabitants of Africa, and which the morality, the reputation, and the best of our country have long been eager to proscribe.''' Although no law you may pass can take prohibitory effect until the first day of the year 1808, yet the intervening period is not too long to prevent by timely notice expeditions which can not be completed before that day. ** [[s:Thomas Jefferson's Sixth State of the Union Address|Thomas Jefferson's Sixth State of the Union Address]] (2 December 1806) * Whensoever hostile aggressions...require a resort to war, we must meet our duty and convince the world that we are just friends and brave enemies. ** Letter to [[Andrew Jackson]] (3 December 1806) * Agreeably to the request of the House of Representatives, communicated in their resolution of the 16th instant, I proceed to state under the reserve therein expressed, information received touching an illegal combination of private individuals against the peace and safety of the Union, and a military expedition planned by them against the territories of a power in amity with the United States, with the measures I have pursued for suppressing the same.... : But by information received yesterday I learn that on the 22d of December, Mr. Burr descended the Cumberland with two boats merely of accommodation, carrying with him from that State no quota toward his unlawful enterprise. Whether after the arrival of the proclamation, of the orders, or of our agent, any exertion which could be made by that State, or the orders of the governor of Kentucky for calling out the militia at the mouth of Cumberland, would be in time to arrest these boats, and those from the falls of the Ohio, is still doubtful. :* Special Message to Congress on the Burr Conspiracy, declaring his former Vice President an illegal conspirator and a fugitive from justice (22 January 1807) * Blest is that nation whose silent course of happiness furnishes nothing for history to say. ** Letter to Count Diodati (29 March 1807) * we have heard as yet only the proceedings of the first day of Burr’s trial, which from the favor of the Marshal and judge promises him all which can depend on them. A grand jury of two federalists, four (Tertium) Quids and ten republicans does not seem to be a fair representation of the state of Virginia. But all this will shew the original error of establishing a judiciary independant of the nation, and which, from the citadel of the law can turn it’s guns on those they were meant to defend, and controul and fashion their proceedings to it’s own will. I have always entertained a high opinion of the Marshal’s integrity and political correctness. But, in a state where there are not more than eight Quids, how five of them should have been summoned on one jury is difficult to explain from accident. ** Letter to John W. Eppes (28 May 1807) [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/99-01-02-5646] * To your request of my opinion of the manner in which a newspaper should be conducted, so as to be most useful, I should answer, "by restraining it to true facts & sound principles only." Yet I fear such a paper would find few subscribers. '''It is a melancholy truth, that a suppression of the press could not more completely deprive the nation of its benefits, than is done by its abandoned prostitution to falsehood. Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper. Truth itself becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle. The real extent of this state of misinformation is known only to those who are in situations to confront facts within their knowledge with the lies of the day.''' . . . I will add, that the man who never looks into a newspaper is better informed than he who reads them; inasmuch as he who knows nothing is nearer to truth than he whose mind is filled with falsehoods & errors. He who reads nothing will still learn the great facts, and the details are all false. ** Letter to [[w:John Norvell|John Norvell]] (11 June 1807). [https://www.loc.gov/resource/mtj1.038_0592_0594/?sp=2&st=text Original and transcript] * After long and fruitless endeavors to effect the purposes of their mission and to obtain arrangements within the limits of their instructions, they concluded to sign such as could be obtained and to send them for consideration, candidly declaring to the other negotiators at the same time that they were acting against their instructions, and that their Government, therefore, could not be pledged for ratification.... <br> Whether a regular army is to be raised, and to what extent, must depend on the information so shortly expected. In the mean time I have called on the States for quotas of militia, to be in readiness for present defense, and have, moreover, encouraged the acceptance of volunteers; and I am happy to inform you that these have offered themselves with great alacrity in every part of the Union. They are ordered to be organized and ready at a moment's warning to proceed on any service to which they may be called, and every preparation within the Executive powers has been made to insure us the benefit of early exertions. ** [[s:Thomas Jefferson's Seventh State of the Union Address|Thomas Jefferson's Seventh State of the Union Address]] (27 October 1807). Description of the negotiations and rejected treaty of James Monroe and William Pinkney with Britain over maritime rights, and subsequent negotiations over the British sinking of the American ship ''Chesapeake'', leading to an American embargo (The Embargo Act). * Yours of July 27 is received. It confirms the accounts we receive from others that the infractions of the embargo in Maine and Massachusetts are open. I have removed Pope, of New Bedford, for worse than negligence. The collector of Sullivan is on the totter. The Tories of Boston openly threaten insurrection if their importation of flour is stopped. The next post will stop it. I fear your Governor [Sullivan] is not up to the tone of these parricides, and I hope on the first symptom of an open opposition of the law by force you will fly to the scene, and aid in suppressing any commotion. ** Letter to General Henry Dearborn, Secretary of War (August 9, 1808) in regards to enforcing the American embargo. * '''For a people who are free, and who mean to remain so, a well organized and armed militia is their best security.''' ** [[s:Thomas Jefferson's Eighth State of the Union Address|Thomas Jefferson's Eighth State of the Union Address]] (8 November 1808) * Our opinion here is that that place has been so deeply concerned in smuggling, that if it wants it is because it has illegally sent away what it ought to have retained for its own consumption. ** Letter to Lieutenant Governor Levi Lincoln of Massachusetts (November 13, 1808) concerning a petition from the island of Nantucket for food during the American embargo. * My religious reading has long been confined to the moral branch of religion, which is the same in all religions; while in that branch which consists of dogmas, all differ[.] ** Letter to [[w:Thomas Leiper|Thomas Leiper]] (11 January 1809). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;11], pp.&nbsp;89 * I thought Congress had taken their ground firmly for continuing their embargo till June, and then war. But a sudden and unaccountable revolution of opinion took place the last week, chiefly among the New England and New York members, and in a kind of panic they voted the 4th of March for removing the embargo, and by such a majority as gave all reason to believe they would not agree either to war or non-intercourse. This, too, was after we had become satisfied that the Essex Junto had found their expectation desperate, of inducing the people there either to separation or forcible opposition. The majority of Congress, however, has now rallied to the removing the embargo on the 4th March, non-intercourse with France and Great Britain, trade everywhere else, and continuing war preparations. The further details are not yet settled, but I believe it is perfectly certain that the embargo will be taken off the 4th of March. ** Letter to his son-in-law Thomas Mann Randolph (7 February 1809) on the termination of the American embargo. * I shall within a few days divest myself of the anxieties and the labors with which I have been oppressed, and retire with inexpressible delight to my family, my friends, my farms, and books. There I may indulge at length in that tranquillity and those pursuits from which I have been divorced by the character of the times in which I have lived, and which have forced me into the line of political life under a sense of duty and against a great and constant aversion to it. ** Letter to David Baillie Warden (25 February 1809) * I have received the favor of your letter of August 17th, and with it the volume you were so kind as to send me on the ''Literature of Negroes''. Be assured that no person living wishes more sincerely than I do, to see a complete refutation of the doubts I have myself entertained and expressed on the grade of understanding allotted to them by nature, and to find that in this respect they are on a par with ourselves. My doubts were the result of personal observation on the limited sphere of my own State, where the opportunities for the development of their genius were not favorable, and those of exercising it still less so. I expressed them therefore with great hesitation; but '''whatever be [[w:African American|their]] degree of talent it is no measure of [[w:African American|their]] rights. Because Sir [[Isaac Newton]] was superior to others in understanding, he was not therefore lord of the person or property of others. On this subject [[w:African American|they]] are gaining daily in the opinions of nations, and hopeful advances are making towards their reestablishment on an equal footing with the other colors of the human family'''. I pray you therefore to accept my thanks for the many instances you have enabled me to observe of respectable intelligence in that race of men, which cannot fail to have effect in hastening the day of their relief; [...]. ** [http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/r?ammem/mtj:@field(DOCID+@lit(tj110052)) Letter to Henri Grégoire] (25 February 1809), as quoted in ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes. Federal Edition''. Collected and Edited by Paul Leicester Ford. Also quoted in ''The Science and Politics of Racial Research'' by William H. Tucker (1994), p. 11 ==== Post-Presidency (1809) ==== * I am convinced our own happiness requires that we should continue to mix with the world, and to keep pace with it as it goes; and that every person who retires from free communication with it is severely punished afterwards by the state of mind into which he gets, and which can only be prevented by feeding our sociable principles. I can speak from experience on this subject. From 1793 to 1797 I remained closely at home, saw none but those who came there, and at length became very sensible of the ill effect it had on my own mind, and of its direct and irresistible tendency to render me unfit for society and uneasy when necessarily engaged in it. I felt enough of the effect of withdrawing from the world then to see that it led to an anti-social and misanthropic state of mind, which severely punishes him who gives in to it; and it will be a lesson I never shall forget as to myself. ** Letter to Maria Jefferson Eppes (8 March 1809) * If, in my retirement to the humble station of a private citizen, I am accompanied with the esteem and approbation of my fellow citizens, trophies obtained by the bloodstained steel, or the tattered flags of the tented field, will never be envied. '''The care of human life and happiness, and not their destruction, is the first and only legitimate object of good government.''' ** [https://www.bartleby.com/73/778.html Letter to the Republican Citizens of Washington County, Maryland (31 March 1809), published in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1871), edited by H. A. Washington, Vol. 8, p. 165] * I have often thought that nothing would do more extensive good at small expense than the establishment of a small circulating library in every county, to consist of a few well-chosen books, to be lent to the people of the country under regulations as would secure their safe return in due time. ** Letter to John Wyche (19 May 1809) * '''Nothing was or is farther from my intentions, than to enlist myself as the champion of a fixed opinion, where I have only expressed doubt.''' ** Letter to [[Joel Barlow]] (8 October 1809); Jefferson here expresses an aversion to supporting the "fixed opinion" that blacks were not equal to whites in general mental capacities, which he asserts in his ''Notes on the State of Virginia'' he had advanced as "a suspicion only". * It has always been denied by the republican party in this country, that the Constitution had given the power of incorporation to Congress. On the establishment of the Bank of the United States, this was the great ground on which that establishment was combated; and the party prevailing supported it only on the argument of its being an incident to the power given them for raising money. ** Letter to Dr. Maese (1809) ME 12:231 : ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' "Memorial Edition" (20 Vols., 1903-04) edited by [[w:Andrew A. Lipscomb|Andrew A. Lipscomb]] and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. 12, p. 231; also quoted at [http://etext.virginia.edu/jefferson/quotations/jeff1325.htm "Thomas Jefferson on Politics & Government : Money & Banking" at University of Virginia] * The selfish spirit of commerce knows no country, and feels no passion or principle but that of gain. ** Letter to Larkin Smith (1809) * In a democratic republic, where the mass of the people of all parties have the same interest at stake, some respect must be had to the feelings and wishes of the minority, especially when that minority is large and clamorous; otherwise, it will be impossible to avoid discord, and discord weakens the bonds of union. ** Account of a conversation with Col. Richard M. Johnson in 1809, as recounted in ''A Biographical Sketch of Col. Richard M. Johnson of Kentucky,'' p.12 (Saxton & Miles, New York, 1843) === 1810s === [[File:Empyrean Light and Shadows of Salvation.jpg|thumb|He who steadily observes the moral precepts in which all religions concur, will never be questioned at the gates of heaven as to the dogmas in which they all differ.]] [[File:Epicurus-PergamonMuseum.png|thumb|I consider the genuine (not the imputed) doctrines of [[Epicurus]] as containing everything rational in moral philosophy which Greece and Rome have left us.]] [[File:Castle Romeo.jpg|thumb|Not in our day, but at no distant one, we may shake a rod over the heads of all, which may make the stoutest of them tremble. But I hope our wisdom will grow with our power, and teach us, that the less we use our power, the greater it will be.]] [[File:Diagram of the Federal Government and American Union edit.jpg|thumb|No government can be maintained without the principle of fear as well as of duty. Good men will obey the last, but bad ones the former only.]] [[File:ThomasJeffersonbySully1821.jpg|thumb|If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be.]] [[File:Jefferson's Works - Project Gutenberg eText 16781.jpg|thumb|The functionaries of every government have propensities to command at will the liberty and property of their constituents. There is no safe deposit for these but with the people themselves, nor can they be safe with them without information. Where the press is free, and every man able to read, all is safe.]] [[File:Jefferson Bible.jpg|thumb|It is a document in [[proof]] that I am a real [[Christian]], that is to say, a disciple of the [[doctrines]] of [[Jesus]], very different from the Platonists, who call me infidel and themselves Christians and preachers of the gospel, while they draw all their characteristic [[dogmas]] from what its author never said nor saw.]] [[File:Jefferson statue at Monticello.jpg|thumb|Although we are free by the law, we are not so in practice.]] [[File:Jeffersonstatue.jpg|thumb|It is to be hoped that individual dispositions will at length mould themselves to the model of the law, and consider the moral basis, on which all our religions rest, as the rallying point which unites them in a common interest; while the peculiar dogmas branching from it are the exclusive concern of the respective sects embracing them, and no rightful subject of notice to any other.]] * That we are overdone with banking institutions which have banished the precious metals and substituted a more fluctuating and unsafe medium, that these have withdrawn capital from useful improvements and employments to nourish idleness, that the wars of the world have swollen our commerce beyond the wholesome limits of exchanging our own productions for our own wants, and that, for the emolument of a small proportion of our society who prefer these demoralizing pursuits to labors useful to the whole, the peace of the whole is endangered and all our present difficulties produced, are evils more easily to be deplored than remedied. ** Letter to Abbe Salimankis (1810) ME 12:379 ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' "Memorial Edition" (20 Vols., 1903-04) edited by [[w:Andrew A. Lipscomb|Andrew A. Lipscomb]] and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. 12, p. 379; also quoted at [http://etext.virginia.edu/jefferson/quotations/jeff1325.htm "Thomas Jefferson on Politics & Government: Money & Banking" at University of Virginia] * Knowing that religion does not furnish grosser bigots than law, I expect little from old judges. ** Letter to Thomas Cooper (1810) * Our laws, language, religion, politics, & manners are so deeply laid in English foundations, that we shall never cease to consider their history as a part of ours, and to study ours in that as it’s origin. ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/03-03-02-0001-0002 Letter to William Duane] (August 12, 1810) * Politics, like religion, hold up the torches of martyrdom to the reformers of error. ** Letter to James Ogilvie (4 August 1811) * But though an old man, I am but a young gardener. ** Letter to Charles Willson Peale (20 August 1811) * The acquisition of Canada this year, as far as the neighborhood of Quebec, will be a mere matter of marching, and will give us experience for the attack of Halifax the next, and the final expulsion of England from the American continent. ** Statement during an early stage of the [[w:War of 1812|War of 1812]], in a letter to William Duane (4 August 1812) * <!-- Dear Sir,—Your favors of the 7th and 16th are received, and --> I now return you the memoir <!-- enclosed in the former. --> ... I am much gratified by its communication, because, as the plan appeared in the newspapers soon after the new Secretary of War came into office, we had given him the credit of it. '''Every line of it is replete with wisdom'''; and we might lament that our tardy enlistments prevented its execution, were we not to reflect that these proceeded from the happiness of our people at home. '''It is more a subject of joy that we have so few of the desperate characters which compose modern regular armies. But it proves more forcibly the necessity of obliging every citizen to be a soldier; this was the case with the Greeks and Romans, and must be that of every free State.''' Where there is no oppression there will be no pauper hirelings. We must train and classify the whole of our male citizens, and make military instruction a regular part of collegiate education. We can never be safe till this is done. ** Referring to the importance of well trained militia amidst the populations of the states and their preferability to standing armies, in a letter to [[James Monroe]] (19 June 1813), published [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/03-06-02-0188 Thomas Jefferson to James Monroe, 19 June 1813]; though most publications of the letter since the 1830s usually provide a date of 18 June 1813, the [http://memory.loc.gov/master/mss/mtj/mtj1/046/0800/0894.jpg actual manuscript seems to distinctly read "June 19 '13"]; a portion of this statement is sometimes paraphrased: "Every citizen should be a soldier." * '''He who steadily observes the moral precepts in which all religions concur, will never be questioned at the gates of heaven as to the dogmas in which they all differ.''' ** Letter to William Canby (18 September 1813) * '''Of all the systems of morality, ancient or modern, which have come under my observation, none appear to me so pure as that of Jesus. He who follows this steadily need not, I think, be uneasy, although he cannot comprehend the subtleties and mysteries erected on his doctrines by those who, calling themselves his special followers and favorites, would make him come into the world to lay snares for all understandings but theirs.''' These metaphysical heads, usurping the judgment seat of God, denounce as his enemies all who cannot perceive the Geometrical logic of [[Euclid]] in the demonstrations of St. [[w:Athanasius|Athanasius]], that three are one, and one is three; and yet that the one is not three nor the three one. ** Letter to William Canby (18 September 1813) * '''I agree with you that there is a natural aristocracy among men. The grounds of this are virtue and talents...''' The natural aristocracy I consider as the most precious gift of nature, for the instruction, the trusts, and government of society... Every one, by his property, or by his satisfactory situation, is interested in the support of law and order. And such men may safely and advantageously reserve to themselves a wholesome control over their public affairs, and a degree of freedom, which, in the hands of the ''canaille'' [the masses] of the cities of Europe, would be instantly perverted to the demolition and destruction of everything public and private. ** Letter to John Adams (28 October 1813) * [I]f ever there was a holy war, it was that which saved our liberties and gave us independence. ** Letter to John W. Eppes (6 November 1813). Reported in Albert Ellery Bergh, ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1907), p. 430 * I like well your idea of issuing treasury notes bearing interest, because I am persuaded they would soon be withdrawn from circulation and locked up in vaults & private hoards. It would put it in the power of every man to lend his 100. or 1000 d. tho’ not able to go forward on the great scale, and be the most advantageous way of obtaining a loan. The other idea of creating a National bank, I do not concur in, because it seems now decided that Congress has not that power, (altho’ I sincerely wish they had it exclusively) and because I think there is already a vast redundancy, rather than a scarcity of paper medium. ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/Vol11/0054-11_Pt07_1813.html#hd_lf054-11_head_125 Letter to Thomas Law (6 November 1813)] FE 9:433 : ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (10 Vols., 1892-99) edited by [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]] * History, I believe, furnishes no example of a priest-ridden people maintaining a free civil government. This marks the lowest grade of ignorance of which their civil as well as religious leaders will always avail themselves for their own purposes. ** Letter to [[Alexander von Humboldt]] (6 December 1813) ** [http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/ampage?collId=mtj1&fileName=mtj1page047.db&recNum=74&itemLink=/ammem/mtjhtml/mtjser1.html&linkText=7 Scanned letter at The Library of Congress] ** [http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/r?ammem/mtj:@field(DOCID+@lit(tj110127)) Transcript at The Library of Congress] * '''Religion is a subject on which I have ever been most scrupulously reserved. I have considered it as a matter between every man and his Maker in which no other, and far less the public, had a right to intermeddle.''' ** Letter to [[w:Richard Rush|Richard Rush]] (1813) * I deplore with you the putrid state into which our newspapers have passed, and the malignity, the vulgarity, & mendacious spirit of those who write for them: and I enclose you a recent sample, the production of a New England judge, as a proof of the abyss of degradation into which we are fallen. These ordures are rapidly depraving the public taste and lessening its relish for sound food. As vehicles of information and a curb on our functionaries, they have rendered themselves useless by forfeiting all title to belief. That this has in a great degree been produced by the violence and malignity of party spirit I agree with you... ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/03-07-02-0052 Letter to Walter Jones (2 January 1814)]. * '''A man has a right to use a saw, an axe, a plane, separately; may he not combine their uses on the same piece of wood? He has a right to use his knife to cut his meat, a fork to hold it; may a patentee take from him the right to combine their use on the same subject?''' Such a law, instead of enlarging our conveniences, as was intended, would most fearfully abridge them, and crowd us by monopolies out of the use of the things we have. ** Letter to Oliver Evans (16 January 1814); published in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1905) Vol. 13, p. 66 * The whole history of these books is so defective and doubtful that it seems vain to attempt minute enquiry into it: and such tricks have been played with their text, and with the texts of other books relating to them, that we have a right, from that cause, to entertain much doubt what parts of them are genuine. '''In the New Testament there is internal evidence that parts of it have proceeded from an extraordinary man; and that other parts are of the fabric of very inferior minds. It is as easy to separate those parts, as to pick out diamonds from dunghills.''' ** Letter to [[John Adams]], on Christian scriptures (24 January 1814) *'''We might as well say that the Newtonian system of philosophy is a part of the common law, as that the Christian religion is. The truth is that Christianity and Newtonianism being reason and verity itself''', in the opinion of all but infidels and Cartesians, they are protected under the wings of the common law from the dominion of other sects, but not erected into dominion over them. **[http://www.let.rug.nl/usa/presidents/thomas-jefferson/letters-of-thomas-jefferson/jefl227.php To Dr. Thomas Cooper Monticello], February 10, 1814 * '''Merchants have no country. The mere spot they stand on does not constitute so strong an attachment as that from which they draw their gains.''' In every country and in every age, the priest has been hostile to liberty. He is always in alliance with the despot, abetting his abuses in return for protection to his own. It is easier to acquire them, and to effect this, they have perverted the best religion ever preached to man into mystery and jargon, unintelligible to all mankind, and therefore the safer engine for their purposes. With the lawyers it is a new thing. They have, in the mother country, been generally the primest supporters of the free principles of their constitution. But there, too, they have changed. ** Letter to Horatio G. Spafford (17 March 1814) * Some have made the ''love of God'' the foundation of morality. This, too, is but a branch of our moral duties, which are generally divided into duties to God and duties to man. If we did a good act merely from the love of God and a belief that it is pleasing to Him, whence arises the morality of the Atheist? It is idle to say, as some do, that no such being exists. We have the same evidence of the fact as of most of those we act on, to-wit: their own affirmations, and their reasonings in support of them. I have observed, indeed, generally, that while in protestant countries the defections from the Platonic Christianity of the priests is to Deism, in catholic countries they are to Atheism. Diderot, D'Alembert, D'Holbach, Condorcet, are known to have been among the most virtuous of men. Their virtue, then, must have had some other foundation than the love of God. ** Letter to Thomas Law (13 June 1814) * Self-interest, or rather self-love, or ''egoism'', has been more plausibly substituted as the basis of morality. But I consider our relations with others as constituting the boundaries of morality. With ourselves, we stand on the ground of identity, not of relation, which last, requiring two subjects, excludes self-love confined to a single one. '''To ourselves, in strict language, we can owe no duties, obligation requiring also two parties. Self-love, therefore, is no part of morality. Indeed, it is exactly its counterpart.''' ** Letter to Thomas Law (13 June 1814) * The Christian priesthood, finding the doctrines of Christ levelled to every understanding, and too plain to need explanation, saw in the mysticism of Plato, materials with which they might build up an artificial system, which might, from its indistinctness, admit everlasting controversy, give employment for their order, and introduce it to profit, power and pre-eminence. The doctrines which flowed from the lips of Jesus himself are within the comprehension of a child ; but thousands of volumes have not yet explained the Platonisms engrafted on them; and for this obvious reason, that nonsense can never be explained. ** Letter to [[w:John Adams|John Adams]] (5 July 1814). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;11], pp.&nbsp;397–398 * [...] Congress itself can punish Alexandria, by repealing the law which made it a town, by discontinuing it as a port of entry or clearance, and perhaps by suppressing it’s banks. But I expect all will go off with impunity. If our government ever fails, it will be from this weakness. '''No government can be maintained without the principle of fear as well as of duty. Good men will obey the last, but bad ones the former only.''' ** Letter to [[w:John Wayles Eppes|John Wayles Eppes]] (9 September 1814). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://files.libertyfund.org/files/807/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;11], pp.&nbsp;425-426 * '''Our particular principles of religion are a subject of accountability to our god alone.''' I enquire after no man's and trouble none with mine; nor is it given to us in this life to know whether yours or mine, our friend's or our foe's, are exactly the right. ** Letter to Miles King (26 September 1814) * '''I agree ... that a professorship of Theology should have no place in our institution. But we cannot always do what is absolutely best.''' Those with whom we act, entertaining different views, have the power and the right of carrying them into practice. '''Truth advances, and error recedes step by step only; and to do to our fellow men the most good in our power, we must lead where we can, follow where we cannot, and still go with them, watching always the favorable moment for helping them to another step.''' ** Comment on establishing the University of Virginia, in a letter to Thomas Cooper (7 October 1814); published in [http://books.google.com/books?id=jrSgJGp-B64C&pg=RA1-PA200&dq=%22A+professorship+of+theology+should+have+no+place+in+our+institution%22&ei=u65FR562EpqCpwLkk9XxBg ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1905) edited by Andrew Adgate Lipscomb and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol VII, p. 200] * '''I am really mortified to be told that, ''in the United States of America'', a fact like this can become a subject of inquiry, and of criminal inquiry too, as an offence against religion; that a question about the sale of a book can be carried before the civil magistrate.''' Is this then our freedom of religion? and are we to have a censor whose imprimatur shall say what books may be sold, and what we may buy? And who is thus to dogmatize religious opinions for our citizens? '''Whose foot is to be the measure to which ours are all to be cut or stretched? Is a priest to be our inquisitor, or shall a layman, simple as ourselves, set up his reason as the rule for what we are to read, and what we must believe? It is an insult to our citizens to question whether they are rational beings or not, and blasphemy against religion to suppose it cannot stand the test of truth and reason.''' ** Letter to Nicolas Gouin Dufief, Philadelphia bookseller (1814) who had been prosecuted for selling the book ''Sur la Création du Monde, un Systême d'Organisation Primitive'' by M. de Becourt, which Jefferson himself had purchased. * I cannot live without books. ** Letter to John Adams (10 June 1815) * We concur in considering the government of [[England]] as totally without morality, insolent beyond bearing, inflated with vanity and ambition, aiming at the exclusive dominion of the sea, lost in corruption, of deep-rooted hatred towards us, hostile to liberty wherever it endeavors to show its head, and the eternal disturber of the peace of the world. In our estimate of [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Bonaparte]], I suspect we differ. [...] [[w:Constitutional republic|Our form of governmen]]t is odious to him, as a standing contrast between republican and despotic rule; and as much from that hatred, as from ignorance in political economy, he had excluded intercourse between us and his people, by prohibiting the only articles they wanted from us, that is, cotton and tobacco. Whether [[w:American Revolutionary War|the war we have had with England, and the achievements of that war]], and the hope that we may become his instruments and partisans against that enemy, may induce him, in future, to tolerate our commercial intercourse with his people, is still to be seen. For my part, '''I wish that all nations may recover and retain their independence; that those which are overgrown may not advance beyond safe measures of power, that a salutary balance may be ever maintained among nations, and that our peace, commerce, and friendship, may be sought and cultivated by all.''' It is our business to manufacture for ourselves whatever we can, to keep our markets open for what we can spare or want; and the less we have to do with the amities or enmities of [[Europe]], the better. '''Not in our day, but at no distant one, we may shake a rod over the heads of all, which may make the stoutest of them tremble. But I hope our wisdom will grow with our power, and teach us, that the less we use our power, the greater it will be.''' ** [http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/r?ammem/mtj:@field(DOCID+@lit(tj110158)) Letter to] [[w:Thomas Leiper|Thomas Leiper]] (12 June 1815). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;11], pp.&nbsp;477–478. ** The sentence "I hope our wisdom will grow with our power, and teach us, that the less we use our power, the greater it will be." was used by US-President [[Barack Obama]] in his [[w:A New Beginning|A New Beginning Speech]]. * The priests have so disfigured the simple religion of Jesus that no one who reads the sophistications they have engrafted on it, from the jargon of [[Plato]], of [[Aristotle]] & other mystics, would conceive these could have been fathered on the sublime preacher of the sermon on the mount. ** Letter to [[w:Benjamin Waterhouse|Benjamin Waterhouse]] (13 October 1815). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;11], p.&nbsp;492 * '''Like a dropsical man calling out for water, water, our deluded citizens are clamoring for more banks''', more banks. The American mind is now in that state of fever which the world has so often seen in the history of other nations. We are under the bank bubble, as England was under the [[w: South Sea Company|South Sea bubble]], France under the [[w: Mississippi Company#The_Mississippi_Bubble|Mississippi bubble]], and as every nation is liable to be, under whatever bubble, design, or delusion may puff up in moments when off their guard. '''We are now taught to believe that legerdemain tricks upon paper can produce as solid wealth as hard labor in the earth. It is vain for common sense to urge that nothing can produce nothing'''; that it is an idle dream to believe in a [[w:Philosopher's stone|philosopher’s stone]] which is to turn everything into gold, and to redeem man from the original sentence of his Maker, “[[s: Bible_(Wikisource)/Genesis#Chapter_3|in the sweat of his brow shall he eat his bread.]]” ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/?option=com_staticxt&staticfile=show.php%3Ftitle=807&chapter=88152&layout=html&Itemid=27 Letter to Colonel Charles Yancey] (6 January 1816) ME 14:384 * When public opinion changes, it is with the rapidity of thought. ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/?option=com_staticxt&staticfile=show.php%3Ftitle=807&chapter=88152&layout=html&Itemid=27 Letter to Colonel Charles Yancey] (6 January 1816) ME 14:384 * '''If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be. The functionaries of every government have propensities to command at will the liberty and property of their constituents. There is no safe deposit for these but with the people themselves; nor can they be safe with them without information. Where the press is free, and every man able to read, all is safe.''' ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/?option=com_staticxt&staticfile=show.php%3Ftitle=807&chapter=88152&layout=html&Itemid=27 Letter to Colonel Charles Yancey] (6 January 1816) ME 14:384 * I, too, have made a wee-little book from the same materials, which I call the Philosophy of Jesus; it is a paradigma of his doctrines, made by cutting the texts out of the book, and arranging them on the pages of a blank book, in a certain order of time or subject. A more beautiful or precious morsel of ethics I have never seen; it is a document in proof that I am a real Christian, that is to say, a disciple of the doctrines of Jesus, very different from the Platonists, who call me infidel and themselves Christians and preachers of the gospel, while they draw all their characteristic dogmas from what its author never said nor saw. They have compounded from the heathen mysteries a system beyond the comprehension of man, of which the great reformer of the vicious ethics and deism of the Jews, were he to return on earth, would not recognize one feature. ** Letter to [[w:Charles Thomson|Charles Thomson]] (9 January 1816), on his ''[http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/etcbin/toccer-new2?id=JefJesu.sgm&images=images/modeng&data=/texts/english/modeng/parsed&tag=public&part=all The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth]'' (the "[[w:Jefferson Bible|Jefferson Bible]]"), which omits all Biblical passages asserting Jesus' virgin birth, miracles, divinity, and resurrection. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;11], pp.&nbsp;498–499 * [T]hat to be independant for the comforts of life we must fabricate them ourselves. We must now place the manufacturer by the side of the agriculturist. The former question is suppressed; or rather assumes a new form: shall we make our own comforts, or go without them, at the will of a foreign nation? He therefore who is now against domestic manufacture must be for reducing us either to dependance on that foreign nation, or to be clothed in skins, & to live like wild beasts in dens & caverns. I am not one of these. Experience has taught me that manufactures are now as necessary to our independance as to our comfort: and if those who quote me as of a different opinion will keep pace with me in purchasing nothing foreign where an equivalent of domestic fabric can be obtained, without regard to difference of price, it will not be our fault if we do not soon have a supply at home equal to our demand, and wrest that weapon of distress from the hand which has wielded it. ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/03-09-02-0213 Letter to Benjamin Austin] (January 8, 1816) * The majority, oppressing an individual, is guilty of a crime, abuses its strength, and by acting on the law of the strongest breaks up the foundations of society. ** Letter to [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/03-09-02-0471 Éleuthère Irénée du Pont de Nemours] (24 April 1816) * '''Enlighten the people generally, and tyranny and oppressions of body and mind will vanish like evil spirits at the dawn of day.''' ** Letter to [[w:Eleuthère Irénée du Pont|Éleuthère Irénée du Pont de Nemours]] (24 April 1816) * '''The system of banking we have both equally and ever reprobated.''' I contemplate it as a blot left in all our Constitutions, which, if not covered, will end in their destruction, which is already hit by the gamblers in corruption, and is sweeping away in its progress the fortunes and morals of our citizens. '''Funding I consider as limited, rightfully, to a redemption of the debt within the lives of a majority of the generation contracting it'''; every generation coming equally, by the laws of the Creator of the world, to the free possession of the earth he made for their subsistence, unincumbered by their predecessors, who, like them, were but tenants for life. ** Letter to [[w:John Taylor (1770-1832)|John Taylor]] (28 May 1816) ME 15:18: ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' "Memorial Edition" (20 Vols., 1903-04) edited by [[w:Andrew A. Lipscomb|Andrew A. Lipscomb]] and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. 15, p. 18 * '''We may say with truth and meaning that governments are more or less republican, as they have more or less of the element of popular election and control in their composition'''; and believing, as I do, that the mass of the citizens is the safest depository of their own rights, and especially, that the evils flowing from the duperies of the people are less injurious than those from the egoism of their agents, I am a friend to that composition of government which has in it the most of this ingredient. And '''I sincerely believe, with you, that banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies; and that the principle of spending money to be paid by posterity, under the name of funding, is but swindling futurity on a large scale.''' ** [http://www.britannica.com/presidents/article-9116907 Letter to John Taylor (28 May 1816) ME 15:23] * '''Our legislators are not sufficiently apprized of the rightful limits of their power; that their true office is to declare and enforce only our natural rights and duties, and to take none of them from us.''' No man has a natural right to commit aggression on the equal rights of another; and this is all from which the laws ought to restrain him; '''every man is under the natural duty of contributing to the necessities of the society; and this is all the laws should enforce on him'''; and, no man having a natural right to be the judge between himself and another, it is his natural duty to submit to the umpirage of an impartial third. When the laws have declared and enforced all this, they have fulfilled their functions, and the idea is quite unfounded, that on entering into society we give up any natural right. ** Letter to Francis W. Gilmer (27 June 1816); ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' edited by Ford, vol. 10, p. 32 * I, however, place economy among the first and most important republican virtues, and [[public debt]] as the greatest of the dangers to be feared. ** Letter to William Plumer (21 July 1816) * '''Ridicule is the only weapon which can be used against unintelligible propositions.''' Ideas must be distinct before reason can act upon them; and no man ever had a distinct idea of the trinity. It is the mere Abracadabra of the mountebanks calling themselves the priests of Jesus. ** Letter to [[w:François Adriaan van der Kemp|Francis Adrian Van der Kemp]] (30 July 1816), denouncing the doctrine of the Trinity. * '''Bigotry is the disease of ignorance, of morbid minds; enthusiasm of the free and buoyant. Education & free discussion are the antidotes of both.''' ** Letter to [[John Adams]] (1 August 1816) * I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past, — so good night! ** Letter to [[John Adams]] (1 August 1816) * '''It is in our lives, and not from our words, that our religion must be read.''' By the same test the world must judge me. But this does not satisfy the priesthood. They must have a positive, a declared assent to all their interested absurdities. My opinion is that there would never have been an infidel, if there had never been a priest. ** Letter to Mrs. Harrison Smith (6 August 1816) * You ask if I mean to publish anything on the subject of a letter of mine to my friend Charles Thompson? Certainly not. I write nothing for publication, and last of all things should it be on the subject of religion. On the dogmas of religion as distinguished from moral principles, all mankind, from the beginning of the world to this day, have been quarrelling, fighting, burning and torturing one another, for abstractions unintelligible to themselves and to all others, and absolutely beyond the comprehension of the human mind. Were I to enter on that arena, I should only add an unit to the number of Bedlamites. ** Letter to [[w:Mathew Carey|Mathew Carey]] (11 November 1816). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;12], p.&nbsp;42 * I may say Christianity itself divided into its thousands also, who are disputing, anathematizing and where the laws permit burning and torturing one another for abstractions which no one of them understand, and which are indeed beyond the comprehension of the human mind[.] ** Letter to [[w:George Logan|George Logan]] (12 November 1816). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;12], pp.&nbsp;43 * I do not believe that in the four administrations which have taken place, there has been a single instance of departure from good faith towards other nations. We may sometimes have mistaken our rights, or made an erroneous estimate of the actions of others, but no voluntary wrong can be imputed to us. In this respect England exhibits the most remarkable phaenomenon in the universe in the contrast between the profligacy of it’s government and the probity of it’s citizens. And accordingly it is now exhibiting an example of the truth of the maxim that '''virtue & interest are inseparable'''. It ends, as might have been expected, in the ruin of it’s people, but this ruin will fall heaviest, as it ought to fall on that hereditary aristocracy which has for generations been preparing the catastrophe. '''I hope we shall take warning from the example and crush in it’s birth the aristocracy of our monied corporations which dare already to challenge our government to a trial of strength and bid defiance to the laws of our country.''' ** Letter to [[w:George Logan|George Logan]] (12 November 1816). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;12], pp.&nbsp;43-44 * '''There is an error into which most of the speculators on government have fallen, and which the well-known state of society of our Indians ought, before now, to have corrected. In their hypothesis of the origin of government, they suppose it to have commenced in the patriarchal or monarchical form.''' Our Indians are evidently in that state of nature which has passed the association of a single family... The Cherokees, the only tribe I know to be contemplating the establishment of regular laws, magistrates, and government, propose a government of representatives, elected from every town. '''But of all things, they least think of subjecting themselves to the will of one man.''' ** Letter to Francis W. Gilmer (1816) * Lay down true principles and adhere to them inflexibly. Do not be frightened into their surrender by the alarms of the timid, or the croakings of wealth against the ascendency of the people. ** Letter to Samuel Kercheval (1816) * '''I believe... that every human mind feels pleasure in doing good to another.''' ** Letter to [[John Adams]] (1816) * '''The result of your fifty or sixty years of religious reading in the four words: 'Be just and good,' is that in which all our enquiries must end.''' ** Letter to [[John Adams]] (11 January 1817) * '''What all agree upon is probably right; what no two agree in most probably is wrong. ''' ** Letter to [[John Adams]] (11 January 1817) This statement has been referred to as ''"[[w:Jefferson's Axiom|Jefferson's Axiom]]"'' * One of our fan-coloring biographers, who paints small men as very great, inquired of me lately with real affection too, whether he might consider as authentic, the change of [[w:Religious views of Thomas Jefferson|my religion]] much spoken of in some circles. Now '''this supposed that they knew what had been my religion before, taking for it the word of their priests, whom I certainly never made the confidants of my creed.''' My answer was '''"say nothing of my religion. It is known to [[Personal god|my God]] and myself alone.''' Its evidence before the world is to be sought in my life; if that has been honest and dutiful to society, the religion which has regulated it cannot be a bad one." ** Letter to [[John Adams]] (11 January 1817), published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;12], pp.&nbsp;48–49 * If by religion, we are understand sectarian dogmas, in which no two of them agree, then your exclamation on that hypothesis is just, "that this would be the best of all possible worlds, if there were no religion in it." But if the moral precepts, innate in man, and made a part of his physical constitution, as necessary for a social being, if the sublime doctrines of philanthropism and deism taught us by Jesus of Nazareth, in which all agree, constitute true religion, then, without it, this would be, as you again say, "something not fit to be named, even indeed, a hell." ** Letter to John Adams, 5 May 1817, in The Writings of Thomas Jefferson (Lipscomb-Bergh edition, 1903), Volume XV, p. 109 * The Pennsylvania legislature, who, on a proposition to make the belief in God a necessary qualification for office, rejected it by a great majority, although assuredly there was not a single atheist in their body. And you remember to have heard, that when the act for religious freedom was before the Virginia Assembly, a motion to insert the name of [[Jesus]] [[w:Christ|Christ]] before the phrase, "the author of our holy religion," which stood in the bill, was rejected, although that was the creed of a great majority of them. ** Letter to [[w:Albert Gallatin|Albert Gallatin]] (16 June 1817). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;12], p.&nbsp;73 * I have the consolation to reflect that during the period of my administration not a drop of the blood of a single fellow citizen was shed by the sword of war or of the law. ** Letter to papal nuncio Count Dugnani (14 February 1818) * Your sect by its sufferings has furnished a remarkable proof of the universal spirit of religious intolerance inherent in every sect, disclaimed by all while feeble, and practiced by all when in power. Our laws have applied the only antidote to this vice, protecting our religious, as they do our civil rights, by putting all on an equal footing. But more remains to be done, for '''although we are free by the law, we are not so in practice.''' Public opinion erects itself into an inquisition, and exercises its office with as much fanaticism as fans the flames of an Auto-da-fé. The prejudice still scowling on your section of our religion altho' the elder one, cannot be unfelt by ourselves. '''It is to be hoped that individual dispositions will at length mould themselves to the model of the law, and consider the moral basis, on which all our religions rest, as the rallying point which unites them in a common interest; while the peculiar dogmas branching from it are the exclusive concern of the respective sects embracing them, and no rightful subject of notice to any other. Public opinion needs reformation on that point''', which would have the further happy effect of doing away the hypocritical maxim of "intus et lubet, foris ut moris". '''Nothing, I think, would be so likely to effect this''', as to your sect particularly, '''as the more careful attention to education''', which you recommend, and '''which, placing its members on the equal and commanding benches of science, will exhibit them as equal objects of respect and favor.''' ** [http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/loc/madison.html Thomas Jefferson to Mordecai M. Noah, May 28, 1818. Manuscript Division, Papers of Thomas Jefferson.] * Tried myself in the school of affliction, by the loss of every form of connection which can rive the human heart, I know well, and feel what you have lost, what you have suffered, are suffering, and have yet to endure. The same trials have taught me that for ills so immeasurable, time and silence are the only medicines. I will not, therefore, by useless condolences, open afresh the sluices of your grief, nor, although mingling sincerely my tears with yours, will I say a word more where words are vain. ** [http://www.masshist.org/database/transcription.cfm?transcriptDir=masshist&transcript=L5058.xml&queryID=1797 Letter to John Adams] (13 November 1818) regarding the death of [[Abigail Adams]] * I read no newspaper now but Ritchie's, and in that chiefly the advertisments, for they contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. ** Letter to [[w:Nathaniel Macon|Nathaniel Macon]] ([[12 January]] [[1819]])[https://books.google.com/books?id=wyhNAQAAMAAJ&newbks=1&newbks_redir=0&dq=%22no%20newspaper%20now%20but%20Ritchie's%22&pg=PA111#v=onepage&q=%22no%20newspaper%20now%20but%20Ritchie's%22&f=false] * Whether the succeeding generation is to be more virtuous than their predecessors, I cannot say; but I am sure they will have more worldly wisdom, and enough, I hope, to know that '''honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.''' ** Letter to [[w:Nathaniel Macon|Nathaniel Macon]] ([[12 January]] [[1819]])[http://books.google.com/books?id=oiYWAAAAYAAJ&q=%22Honesty+is+the+first+chapter+in+the+book+of+wisdom%22&pg=PA112#v=onepage] * You say you are a Calvinist. I am not. '''I am of a sect by myself, as far as I know.''' ** Letter to Ezra Stiles Ely (25 June 1819), published in ''The Papers of Thomas Jefferson'' (1983) by Dickinson W. Adams; Attributions of this letter as one to [[w:Ezra Stiles|Ezra Stiles]], President of [[w:Yale University|Yale College]] (who died in 1795) are incorrect. See also [http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/quotes/jeffphony.htm Positive Atheism's "Questionable Thomas Jefferson Quotations"] * It should be remembered, as an axiom of eternal truth in politics, that '''whatever power in any government is independent, is absolute also'''; in theory only, at first, while the spirit of the people is up, but in practice, as fast as that relaxes. '''Independence can be trusted nowhere but with the people in mass. They are inherently independent of all but moral law.''' ** [http://press-pubs.uchicago.edu/founders/documents/a1_8_18s16.html Letter] to Judge Spencer Roane (6 September 1819) * '''The greatest of all the reformers of the depraved religion of his own country, was [[Jesus]] of Nazareth. Abstracting what is really his from the rubbish in which it is buried, easily distinguished by its lustre from the dross of his biographers, and as separable from that as the diamond from the dunghill.''' ... The establishment of the innocent and genuine character of this benevolent moralist, and the rescuing it from the imputation of imposture, which has resulted from artificial systems, [footnote: e.g. The immaculate conception of Jesus, his deification, the creation of the world by him, his miraculous powers, his resurrection and visible ascension, his corporeal presence in the Eucharist, the Trinity; original sin, atonement, regeneration, election, orders of Hierarchy, etc. —T.J.] invented by ultra-Christian sects, unauthorized by a single word ever uttered by him, is a most desirable object, and one to which [[Joseph Priestley|Priestley]] has successfully devoted his labors and learning. It would in time, it is to be hoped, effect a quiet euthanasia of the heresies of bigotry and fanaticism which have so long triumphed over human reason, and so generally and deeply afflicted mankind; but this work is to be begun by winnowing the grain from the chaff of the historians of his life. ** Letter to [[w:William Short (American ambassador)|William Short]] (31 October 1819), published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;12], pp.&nbsp;141–142 * As you say of yourself, I too am an Epicurian. I consider the genuine (not the imputed) doctrines of [[Epicurus]] as containing everything rational in moral philosophy which Greece and Rome have left us. ** Letter to William Short (31 October 1819) * We were laboring under a dropsical fulness of circulating medium. Nearly all of it is now called in by the banks, who have the regulation of the safety-valves of our fortunes, and who condense and explode them at their will. Lands in this State cannot now be sold for a year’s rent; and unless our Legislature have wisdom enough to effect a remedy by a gradual diminution only of the medium, there will be a general revolution of property in this state. ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0054.12#hd_lf054-12_head_057 Letter to John Adams (7 November 1819)] ME 15:224 : ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' "Memorial Edition" (20 Vols., 1903-04) edited by [[w:Andrew A. Lipscomb|Andrew A. Lipscomb]] and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. 15, p. 224 * Of liberty I would say that, in the whole plenitude of its extent, it is unobstructed action according to our will. But '''rightful liberty is unobstructed action according to our will within limits drawn around us by the equal rights of others. I do not add "within the limits of the law" because law is often but the tyrant's will, and always so when it violates the rights of the individual.''' ** Letter to Isaac H. Tiffany (4 April 1819) ==== Letters to John Wayles Eppes (1813) ==== : <small> [[w:John Wayles Eppes|John Wayles Eppes]] was a United States Representative and a Senator from Virginia, and Jefferson's son-in-law.</small> * '''The earth belongs to the living, not to the dead.''' ** 24 June 1813 * It is a palpable falsehood to say we can have specie for our paper whenever demanded. Instead, then, of yielding to the cries of scarcity of medium set up by speculators, projectors and commercial gamblers, no endeavors should be spared to begin the work of reducing it by such gradual means as may give time to private fortunes to preserve their poise, and settle down with the subsiding medium; and that, for this purpose, the States should be urged to concede to the General Government, with a saving of chartered rights, the exclusive power of establishing banks of discount for paper. ** 6 November 1813, ME 13:431: ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' "Memorial Edition" (20 Vols., 1903-04) edited by [[w:Andrew A. Lipscomb|Andrew A. Lipscomb]] and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. 13, p. 431 * The States should be urged to concede to the General Government, with a saving of chartered rights, the exclusive power of establishing banks of discount for paper. ** [http://www.yamaguchy.netfirms.com/7897401/jefferson/eppes2.html ME] 13:431 * If treasury bills are emitted on a tax appropriated for their redemption in fifteen years, and (to insure preference in the first moments of competition) bearing an interest of six per cent, there is no one who would not take them in preference to the bank paper now afloat, on a principle of patriotism as well as interest; and they would be withdrawn from circulation into private hoards to a considerable amount. Their credit once established, others might be emitted, bottomed also on a tax, but not bearing interest; and if ever their credit faltered, open public loans, on which these bills alone should be received as specie. These, operating as a sinking fund, would reduce the quantity in circulation, so as to maintain that in an equilibrium with specie. It is not easy to estimate the obstacles which, in the beginning, we should encounter in ousting the banks from their possession of the circulation; but a steady and judicious alternation of emissions and loans would reduce them in time. ** [http://www.yamaguchy.netfirms.com/7897401/jefferson/eppes.html ME] 13:275 * The question will be asked and ought to be looked at, what is to be the resource if loans cannot be obtained? There is but one, "Carthago delenda est." '''Bank paper must be suppressed, and the circulating medium must be restored to the nation to whom it belongs.''' It is the only fund on which they can rely for loans; it is the only resource which can never fail them, and it is an abundant one for every necessary purpose. Treasury bills, bottomed on taxes, bearing or not bearing interest, as may be found necessary, thrown into circulation will take the place of so much gold and silver, which last, when crowded, will find an efflux into other countries, and thus keep the quantum of medium at its salutary level. Let banks continue if they please, but let them discount for cash alone or for treasury notes. <!-- They discount for cash alone in every other country on earth except Great Britain, and her too often unfortunate copyist, the United States. If taken in time they may be rectified by degrees, and without injustice, but if let alone till the alternative forces itself on us, of submitting to the enemy for want of funds, or the suppression of bank paper, either by law or by convulsion, we cannot foresee how it will end. The remaining questions are mathematical only. How are the taxes and the time of their continuance to be proportioned to the sum borrowed, and the stipulated interest? <br> The rate of interest will depend on the state of the money market, and the duration of the tax on the will of the legislature. --> ** 11 September 1813, ME 13:361 * It is literally true that the toleration of banks of paper discount costs the United States one-half their war taxes; or, in other words, doubles the expenses of every war. Now think but for a moment, what a change of condition that would be, which should save half our war expenses, require but half the taxes, and enthral us in debt but half the time. ** ME 13:364 * The art and mystery of banks... is established on the principle that 'private debts are a public blessing.' That the evidences of those private debts, called bank notes, become active capital, and aliment the whole commerce, manufactures, and agriculture of the United States. Here are a set of people, for instance, who have bestowed on us the great blessing of running in our debt about two hundred millions of dollars, without our knowing who they are, where they are, or what property they have to pay this debt when called on; nay, who have made us so sensible of the blessings of letting them run in our debt, that we have exempted them by law from the repayment of these debts beyond a give proportion (generally estimated at one-third). And to fill up the measure of blessing, instead of paying, they receive an interest on what they owe from those to whom they owe; for all the notes, or evidences of what they owe, which we see in circulation, have been lent to somebody on an interest which is levied again on us through the medium of commerce. And they are so ready still to deal out their liberalities to us, that they are now willing to let themselves run in our debt ninety millions more, on our paying them the same premium of six or eight per cent interest, and on the same legal exemption from the repayment of more than thirty millions of the debt, when it shall be called for. ** ME 13:420 * But it will be asked, are we to have no banks? Are merchants and others to be deprived of the resource of short accommodations, found so convenient? I answer, let us have banks; but let them be such as are alone to be found in any country on earth, except Great Britain. There is not a bank of discount on the continent of Europe (at least there was not one when I was there) which offers anything but cash in exchange for discounted bills. ** ME 13:277 * No one has a natural right to the trade of a money lender, but he who has the money to lend. Let those then among us who have a moneyed capital and who prefer employing it in loans rather than otherwise, set up banks and give cash or national bills for the notes they discount. Perhaps, to encourage them, a larger interest than is legal in the other cases might be allowed them, on the condition of their lending for short periods only. ** ME 13:277 * If the debt which the banking companies owe be a blessing to anybody, it is to themselves alone, who are realizing a solid interest of eight or ten per cent on it. As to the public, these companies have banished all our gold and silver medium, which, before their institution, we had without interest, which never could have perished in our hands, and would have been our salvation now in the hour of war; instead of which they have given us two hundred million of froth and bubble, on which we are to pay them heavy interest, until it shall vanish into air... We are warranted, then, in affirming that this parody on the principle of 'a [[public debt]] being a public blessing,' and its mutation into the blessing of private instead of public debts, is as ridiculous as the original principle itself. In both cases, the truth is, that capital may be produced by industry, and accumulated by economy; but jugglers only will propose to create it by legerdemain tricks with paper. ** ME 13:423 * It is said that our paper is as good as silver, because we may have silver for it at the bank where it issues. This is not true. One, two, or three persons might have it; but a general application would soon exhaust their vaults, and leave a ruinous proportion of their paper in its intrinsic worthless form. ** ME 13:426 * To the existence of banks of discount for cash... there can be no objection, because there can be no danger of abuse, and they are a convenience both to merchants and individuals. I think they should even be encouraged, by allowing them a larger than legal interest on short discounts, and tapering thence, in proportion as the term of discount is lengthened, down to legal interest on those of a year or more. Even banks of deposit, where cash should be lodged, and a paper acknowledgment taken out as its representative, entitled to a return of the cash on demand, would be convenient for remittances, travelling persons, etc. But, liable as its cash would be to be pilfered and robbed, and its paper to be fraudulently re-issued, or issued without deposit, it would require skilful and strict regulation. ** ME 13:431 ==== Letter to Isaac McPherson (1813) ==== : <small>Monticello (13 August 1813) ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1907) Volumes 13-14, [https://books.google.com/books?id=ao8oG7xRRBUC&pg=PA326 pp. 326-338.]</small> * '''Every man should be protected in his lawful acts, and be certain that no [[w:Ex post facto law|''ex post facto'' law]] shall punish or [[wikt:endamage|endamage]] him for them.''' ...The sentiment that ''ex post facto'' laws are against natural right, is so strong in the United States, that few, if any, of the State constitutions have failed to [[wikt:proscribe#Verb|proscribe]] them. The federal constitution indeed [[wikt:interdict#Verb|interdict]]s them in criminal cases only; but they are equally unjust in civil as in criminal cases, and the omission of a caution which would have been right, does not justify the doing what is wrong. Nor ought it to be presumed that the legislature meant to use a phrase in an unjustifiable sense, if by rules of construction it can be ever strained to what is just.<!--pp. 326-327--> * The law books abound with similar instances of the care the judges take of the public integrity, Laws, moreover, abridging the natural right of the citizen, should be restrained by rigorous constructions within their narrowest limits.<!--p. 327--> * It is agreed by those who have seriously considered the subject, that no individual has, of natural right, a separate property in an acre of land, for instance. By an universal law, indeed, whatever, whether fixed or movable, belongs to all men equally and in common, is the property for the moment of him who occupies it, but when he relinquishes the occupation, the property goes with it. '''Stable ownership is the gift of social law, and is given late in the progress of society. It would be curious then, if an idea, the fugitive fermentation of an individual brain, could, of natural right, be claimed in exclusive and stable property.''' If nature has made any one thing less susceptible than all others of exclusive property, it is the action of the thinking power called an idea, which an individual may exclusively possess as long as he keeps it to himself; but the moment it is divulged, it forces itself into the possession of every one, and the receiver cannot dispossess himself of it. Its peculiar character, too, is that no one possesses the less, because every other possesses the whole of it. '''He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me.'''<!--pp. 333-334--> ** See also [http://press-pubs.uchicago.edu/founders/documents/a1_8_8s12.html Letter to Isaac McPherson] (13 August 1813) ME 13:333. ** The sentence ''He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me.'' is sometimes paraphrased as '''"Knowledge is like a candle. Even as it lights a new candle, the strength of the original flame is not diminished."''' * '''England was, until we copied her, the only country on earth which ever, by a general law, gave a legal right to the exclusive use of an idea. In some other countries it is sometimes done, in a great case, and by a special and personal act, but, generally speaking, other nations have thought that these monopolies produce more embarrassment than advantage to society; and it may be observed that the nations which refuse monopolies of invention, are as fruitful as England in new and useful devices.'''<!--p. 334--> ==== Letter to Edward Coles (1814) ==== : <small> (25 August 1814) ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', Volume 9, [https://books.google.com/books?id=OFI8AAAAIAAJ&pg=PA477 pp. 477-479.] See also [http://alexpeak.com/twr/jefferson/#1784 Letter to Edward Coles (25 August 1814)]</small> * Your favour of July 31, was duly received, and was read with peculiar pleasure. The sentiments breathed through the whole do honor to both the head and heart of the writer. Mine '''on the subject of slavery of negroes have long since been in possession of the public, and time has only served to give them stronger root. The love of justice and the love of country plead equally the cause of these people, and it is a moral reproach to us that they should have pleaded it so long in vain''', and should have produced not a single effort, nay I fear not much serious willingness to relieve them & ourselves from our present condition of moral & political reprobation.<!--p. 477--> * I had always hoped that the younger generation receiving their early impressions after the flame of liberty had been kindled in every breast, & had become as it were the vital spirit of every American, that the generous temperament of youth, analogous to the motion of their blood, and above the suggestions of avarice, would have sympathized with oppression wherever found, and proved their love of liberty beyond their own share of it.<!--p. 478--> * Yet '''the hour of emancipation is advancing, in the march of time. It will come'''.<!--p. 478--> * This enterprise is for the young; for those who can follow it up, and bear it through to its consummation. It shall have all my prayers, & these are the only weapons of an old man<!--p. 479--> ==== Letter to Joseph Milligan (6 April 1816) ==== : <small>[http://www.friesian.com/#contents Letter to Joseph Milligan (6 April 1816)]</small> * ...the more a subject is understood, the more briefly it may be explained. * To take from one, because it is thought his own industry and that of his fathers has acquired too much, in order to spare to others, who, or whose fathers, have not exercised equal industry and skill, is to violate arbitrarily the first principle of association, the guarantee to everyone the free exercise of his industry and the fruits acquired by it. ==== Letter to H. Tompkinson (AKA Samuel Kercheval) (1816) ==== [[File:Supreme Court of the United States - Philosophical Swag.jpg|thumb|I am certainly not an advocate for frequent and untried changes in laws and constitutions. [...] But I know also, that laws and institutions must go hand in hand with the progress of the human mind.]] [[File:MtRushmore Tom close.jpg|thumb|Lay down true principles, and adhere to them inflexibly. Do not be frightened into their surrender by the alarms of the timid, or the croakings of wealth against the ascendency of the people.]] [[File:Uscapitolindaylight.jpg|thumb|The true foundation of republican government is the equal right of every citizen, in his person and property, and in their management.]] [[File:US $2 1869 Legal Tender Note.jpg|thumb|I am not among those who fear the people. They, and not the rich, are our dependence for continued freedom. And to preserve their independence, we must not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. We must make our election between economy and liberty, or profusion and servitude.]] : <small>[http://classicliberal.tripod.com/jefferson/kercheval.html Letter to H. Tompkinson (AKA Samuel Kercheval), 12 July 1816] ([http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/ampage?collId=mtj1&fileName=mtj1page049.db&recNum=254 image] at Library of Congress).</small> * '''The mother principle [is] that 'governments are republican only in proportion as they embody the will of their people, and execute it.'"'''. * But inequality of representation in both Houses of our legislature, is not the only republican heresy in this first essay of our revolutionary patriots at forming a constitution. For let it be agreed that '''a government is republican in proportion as every member composing it has his equal voice in the direction of its concerns (not indeed in person, which would be impracticable beyond the limits of a city, or small township, but) by representatives chosen by himself, and responsible to him at short periods''', and let us bring to the test of this canon every branch of our constitution. * In England, where judges were named and removable at the will of an hereditary executive, from which branch most misrule was feared, and has flowed, it was a great point gained, by fixing them for life, to make them independent of that executive. But in a government founded on the public will, this principle operates in an opposite direction, and against that will. There, too, they were still removable on a concurrence of the executive and legislative branches. But we have made them independent of the nation itself. They are irremovable, but by their own body, for any depravities of conduct, and even by their own body for the imbecilities of dotage. The justices of the inferior courts are self- chosen, are for life, and perpetuate their own body in succession forever, so that a faction once possessing themselves of the bench of a county, can never be broken up, but hold their county in chains, forever indissoluble. Yet these justices are the real executive as well as judiciary, in all our minor and most ordinary concerns. They tax us at will; fill the office of sheriff, the most important of all the executive officers of the county; name nearly all our military leaders, which leaders, once named, are removable but by themselves. The juries, our judges of all fact, and of law when they choose it, are not selected by the people, nor amenable to them. They are chosen by an officer named by the court and executive. Chosen, did I say? Picked up by the sheriff from the loungings of the court yard, after everything respectable has retired from it. Where then is our republicanism to be found? Not in our constitution certainly, but merely in the spirit of our people. That would oblige even a despot to govern us republicanly. Owing to this spirit, and to nothing in the form of our constitution, all things have gone well. But this fact, so triumphantly misquoted by the enemies of reformation, is not the fruit of our constitution, but has prevailed in spite of it. Our functionaries have done well, because generally honest men. If any were not so, they feared to show it. * Only '''lay down true principles, and adhere to them inflexibly. Do not be frightened into their surrender by the alarms of the timid, or the croakings of wealth against the ascendency of the people.''' * '''The true foundation of republican government is the equal right of every citizen, in his person and property, and in their management.''' Try by this, as a tally, every provision of our constitution, and see if it hangs directly on the will of the people. Reduce your legislature to a convenient number for full, but orderly discussion. '''Let every man who fights or pays, exercise his just and equal right in''' their '''election'''. * '''I am not among those who fear the people. They, and not the rich, are our dependence for continued freedom. And to preserve their independence, we must not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. We must make our election between economy and liberty, or profusion and servitude.''' If we run into such debts, as that we must be taxed in our meat and in our drink, in our necessaries and our comforts, in our labors and our amusements, for our callings and our creeds, as the people of England are, our people, like them, must come to labor sixteen hours in the twenty-four, give the earnings of fifteen of these to the government for their debts and daily expenses; and the sixteenth being insufficient to afford us bread, we must live, as they now do, on oatmeal and potatoes; have no time to think, no means of calling the mismanagers to account; but be glad to obtain subsistence by hiring ourselves to rivet their chains on the necks of our fellow-sufferers. Our landholders, too, like theirs, retaining indeed the title and stewardship of estates called theirs, but held really in trust for the treasury, must wander, like theirs, in foreign countries, and be contented with penury, obscurity, exile, and the glory of the nation. This example reads to us the salutary lesson, that '''private fortunes are destroyed by public as well as by private extravagance. And this is the tendency of all human governments. A departure from principle in one instance becomes a precedent for a second; that second for a third; and so on, till the bulk of the society is reduced to be mere automatons of misery, and to have no sensibilities left but for sinning and suffering. Then begins, indeed, the [[w:Bellum omnium contra omnes|bellum omnium in omnia]], which some philosophers observing to be so general in this world, have mistaken it for the natural, instead of the abusive state of man. And the fore horse of this frightful team is [[public debt]]. Taxation follows that, and in its train wretchedness and oppression.''' * '''Some men look at constitutions with sanctimonious reverence and deem them like the ark of the covenant, too sacred to be touched.''' They ascribe to the men of the preceding age a wisdom more than human and suppose what they did to be beyond amendment. I knew that age well; I belonged to it and labored with it. It deserved well of its country. It was very like the present but without the experience of the present; and '''forty years of experience in government is worth a century of book-reading'''; and this they would say themselves were they to rise from the dead. * '''I am certainly not an advocate for frequent and untried changes in laws and constitutions.''' I think moderate imperfections had better be borne with; because, when once known, we accommodate ourselves to them, and find practical means of correcting their ill effects. '''But''' I know also, that '''laws and institutions must go hand in hand with the progress of the human mind'''. As that becomes more developed, more enlightened, as new discoveries are made, new truths disclosed, and manners and opinions change with the change of circumstances, institutions must advance also, and '''keep pace with the times. We might as well require a man to wear still the coat which fitted him when a boy, as civilized society to remain ever under the regimen of their barbarous ancestors'''. It is this preposterous idea which has lately deluged Europe in blood. Their monarchs, instead of wisely yielding to the gradual change of circumstances, of favoring progressive accommodation to progressive improvement, have clung to old abuses, entrenched themselves behind steady habits, and obliged their subjects to seek through blood and violence rash and ruinous innovations, which, had they been referred to the peaceful deliberations and collected wisdom of the nation, would have been put into acceptable and salutary forms. Let us follow no such examples, nor weakly believe that one generation is not as capable as another of taking care of itself, and of ordering its own affairs. ** An abridged version is inscribed on the [[w:Jefferson Memorial|Jefferson Memorial]] in Washington, D.C.,[http://www.monticello.org/site/jefferson/quotations-jefferson-memorial] as follows: *** I am not an advocate for frequent changes in laws and constitutions, but laws and institutions must go hand in hand with the progress of the human mind. As that becomes more developed, more enlightened, as new discoveries are made, new truths discovered and manners and opinions change, with the change of circumstances, institutions must advance also to keep pace with the times. We might as well require a man to wear still the coat which fitted him when a boy as civilized society to remain ever under the regimen of their barbarous ancestors. * '''The dead? But the dead have no rights. They are nothing; and nothing cannot own something. Where there is no substance, there can be no accident. This corporeal globe, and everything upon it, belong to its present corporeal inhabitants, during their generation. They alone have a right to direct what is the concern of themselves alone, and to declare the law of that direction; and this declaration can only be made by their majority. That majority, then, has a right to depute representatives to a convention, and to make the constitution what they think will be the best for themselves.''' ==== Letter to Albert Gallatin (16 June 1817) ==== : <small>[http://press-pubs.uchicago.edu/founders/documents/a1_8_1s25.html Letter to Albert Galltin (16 June 1817)]</small> * Whereas, our tenet ever was, and, indeed, it is almost the only landmark which now divides the federalists from the republicans, '''that Congress had not unlimited powers to provide for the general welfare, but were restrained to those specifically enumerated;'''... === 1820s === [[File:William Holman Hunt - Christ And The Two Marys.jpg |thumb|That [[Jesus]] did not mean to impose himself on [[mankind]] as the son of [[God]], physically speaking, I have been convinced by the writings of men more learned than myself in that lore. But that he might conscientiously [[believe]] himself inspired from above, is very possible.]] [[File:Indian peace medal engraved by John Reich, De Young Museum.JPG|thumb|I know no safe depository of the ultimate [[powers]] of the [[society]] but the [[people]] themselves; and if we think them not [[enlightened]] enough to exercise their control with wholesome discretion, the remedy is not to take it from them, but to inform their discretion by [[education]]. This is the true corrective of abuses of constitutional power.]] [[File:Human eye reflecting the sun.jpg|thumb|Let the eye of vigilance never be closed.]] [[File:Drafting the Declaration of Independence. The Committee-Franklin, Jefferson, Adams, Livingston and Sherman. Copy of engr - NARA - 513332.tif|thumb|May it be to the world, what I believe it will be, (to some parts sooner, to others later, but finally to all), the signal of arousing men to burst the chains under which monkish [[ignorance]] and [[superstition]] had persuaded them to bind themselves, and to assume the blessings and security of [[self]]-[[government]].]] [[File:United states supreme court building.png|thumb|You seem to consider the federal judges as the ultimate arbiters of all constitutional questions, a very dangerous doctrine ... Our judges ... have with others the same passions for the party, for power and the privilege of the corps. Their power is the more dangerous, as they are in office for life and not responsible, as the other functionaries are, to the elective control. The Constitution has erected no such single tribunal, knowing that to whatever hands confided, with the corruptions of time and party, its members would become despots.]] [[File:Thomas Jefferson by Moses Jacob Ezekiel.JPG|thumb|The only security of all is in a free press. The force of public [[opinion]] cannot be resisted, when permitted freely to be expressed. The agitation it produces must be submitted to. It is [[necessary]], to keep the waters pure.]] [[File:12072012 Jefferson Memorial 04.jpg|thumb|[[All]] [[eyes]] are opened, or opening, to the [[rights]] of man.]] [[File:Nokota_Horses_cropped.jpg|thumb|The general spread of the light of science has already laid open to every view the palpable truth, that the mass of mankind has not been born with saddles on their backs, nor a favored few booted and spurred, ready to ride them legitimately, by the grace of God. These are grounds of hope for others.]] [[File:Fourth of July fireworks behind the Washington Monument, 1986.jpg|thumb|[L]et the annual return of this day forever refresh our recollections of these rights, and an undiminished devotion to them.]] * '''The priests of the different religious sects, who dread the advance of science as witches do the approach of day-light; and scowl on it the fatal harbinger announcing the subversion of the duperies on which they live.''' In this the Presbyterian clergy take the lead. the tocsin is sounded in all their pulpits, and the first alarm denounced is against the particular creed of Doctr. Cooper; and as impudently denounced as if they really knew what it is. ** Letter to [[w:José Correia da Serra|José Correia da Serra]] (11 April 1820) * Among the sayings and discourses imputed to him [Jesus] by his biographers, I find many passages of fine imagination, correct morality, and of the most lovely benevolence; and others again of so much ignorance, so much absurdity, so much untruth, charlatanism, and imposture, as to pronounce it impossible that such contradictions should have proceeded from the same being. I separate, therefore, the gold from the dross; restore to Him the former, and leave the latter to the stupidity of some, and roguery of others of His disciples. Of this band of dupes and impostors, Paul was the great Coryphaeus, and first corruptor of the doctrines of Jesus. These palpable interpolations and falsifications of His doctrines, led me to try to sift them apart. ** Letter to [[w:William Short (American ambassador)|William Short]] (13 April 1820) * I had for a long time ceased to read newspapers, or pay any attention to public affairs, confident they were in good hands, and content to be a passenger in our bark to the shore from which I am not distant. But this momentous question, like a firebell in the night, awakened and filled me with terror. I considered it at once as the knell of the Union. I regret that I am now to die in the belief that the useless sacrifice of themselves by the generation of 1776 to acquire self-government and happiness to their country is to be thrown away, and my only consolation is to be that I live not to weep over it. ** On the [[w:Missouri Compromise|Missouri Compromise]], in a letter to [[w:John Holmes (U.S. politician)|John Holmes]] (22 April 1820), published in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson: 1816-1826'' (1899) edited by Paul Leicester Ford, v. 10, p. 157; also quoted by [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]] in his ''[http://www.nps.gov/anti/historyculture/mlk-ep.htm Emancipation Proclamation Centennial Address]'' at the New York Civil War Centennial Commission’s Emancipation Proclamation Observance, New York City (12 September 1962) * We have the wolf by the ears, and we can neither hold him nor safely let him go. Justice is in one scale, self-preservation in the other. ** On slavery, in a letter to [[w:John Holmes (U.S. politician)|John Holmes]] (22 April 1820) * I regret that I am now to die in the belief, that the useless sacrifice of themselves by the generation of 1776, to acquire self- government and happiness to their country, is to be thrown away by the unwise and unworthy passions of their sons, and that my only consolation is to be, that I live not to weep over it. If they would but dispassionately weigh the blessings they will throw away, against an abstract principle more likely to be effected by union than by scission, they would pause before they would perpetrate this act of suicide on themselves, and of treason against the hopes of the world. To yourself, as the faithful advocate of the Union, I tender the offering of my high esteem and respect. ** Letter to [[w:John Holmes (U.S. politician)|John Holmes]] (22 April 1820) * '''My aim in that was, to justify the character of Jesus against the fictions of his pseudo-followers, which have exposed him to the inference of being an impostor.''' For if we could believe that he really countenanced the follies, the falsehoods and the charlatanisms which his biographers father on him, and admit the misconstructions, interpolations and theorizations of the fathers of the early, and fanatics of the latter ages, the conclusion would be irresistible by every sound mind, that he was an impostor. I give no credit to their falsifications of his actions and doctrines, and to rescue his character, the postulate in my letter asked only what is granted in reading every other historian. ... '''I say, that this free exercise of reason is all I ask for the vindication of the character of Jesus.''' We find in the writings of his biographers matter of two distinct descriptions. First, a groundwork of vulgar ignorance, of things impossible, of superstitions, fanaticisms and fabrications. Intermixed with these, again, are sublime ideas of the Supreme Being, aphorisms and precepts of the purest morality and benevolence, sanctioned by a life of humility, innocence and simplicity of manners, neglect of riches, absence of worldly ambition and honors, with an eloquence and persuasiveness which have not been surpassed. '''These could not be inventions of the groveling authors who relate them. They are far beyond the powers of their feeble minds. They shew that there was a character, the subject of their history, whose splendid conceptions were above all suspicion of being interpolations from their hands.''' Can we be at a loss in separating such materials, and ascribing each to its genuine author? The difference is obvious to the eye and to the understanding, and we may read as we run to each his part; and I will venture to affirm, that he who, as I have done, will undertake to winnow this grain from its chaff, will find it not to require a moment's consideration. The parts fall asunder of themselves, as would those of an image of metal and clay. ... '''There are, I acknowledge, passages not free from objection, which we may, with probability, ascribe to Jesus himself; but claiming indulgence from the circumstances under which he acted.''' His object was the reformation of some articles in the religion of the Jews, as taught by [[Moses]]. That sect had presented for the object of their worship, a being of terrific character, cruel, vindictive, capricious and unjust. Jesus, taking for his type the best qualities of the human head and heart, wisdom, justice, goodness, and adding to them power, ascribed all of these, but in infinite perfection, to the Supreme Being, and formed him really worthy of their adoration. Moses had either not believed in a future state of existence, or had not thought it essential to be explicitly taught to his people. Jesus inculcated that doctrine with emphasis and precision. Moses had bound the Jews to many idle ceremonies, mummeries and observances, of no effect towards producing the social utilities which constitute the essence of virtue; Jesus exposed their futility and insignificance. The one instilled into his people the most anti-social spirit towards other nations; the other preached philanthropy and universal charity and benevolence. The office of reformer of the superstitions of a nation, is ever dangerous. Jesus had to walk on the perilous confines of reason and religion: and a step to right or left might place him within the gripe of the priests of the superstition, a blood thirsty race, as cruel and remorseless as the being whom they represented as the family God of Abraham, of Isaac and of Jacob, and the local God of Israel. They were constantly laying snares, too, to entangle him in the web of the law. He was justifiable, therefore, in avoiding these by evasions, by sophisms, by misconstructions and misapplications of scraps of the prophets, and in defending himself with these their own weapons, as sufficient, ad homines, at least. '''That Jesus did not mean to impose himself on mankind as the son of God, physically speaking, I have been convinced by the writings of men more learned than myself in that lore. But that he might conscientiously believe himself inspired from above, is very possible.''' ** [http://www.stephenjaygould.org/ctrl/jefferson_jesus.html Letter to William Short (4 August 1820)] on his reason for composing a ''Syllabus of an Estimate of the Merit of the Doctrines of Jesus and referring to Jesus’ biographers, the Gospel writers''. Published in ''Thomas Jefferson: Writings'', Merrill D. Peterson, ed., New York: Library of America, 1994, pp.&nbsp;1435–1440 * To talk of immaterial existences is to talk of nothings. To say that the human soul, angels, god, are immaterial, is to say they are nothings, or that there is no god, no angels, no soul. I cannot reason otherwise: but I believe I am supported in my creed of materialism by Locke, Tracy, and Stewart. At what age of the Christian church this heresy of immaterialism, this masked atheism, crept in, I do not know. But heresy it certainly is. [...] I am satisfied, and sufficiently occupied with the things which are, without tormenting or troubling myself about those which may indeed be, but of which I have no evidence. ** [http://www.stephenjaygould.org/ctrl/jefferson_jadms.html Letter] to [[John Adams]] (15 August 1820) * Th. Jefferson returns his thanks to Dr. De La Motta for the eloquent discourse on the Consecration of the Synagogue of Savannah, which he has been so kind as to send him. It excites in him the gratifying reflection that his country has been the first to prove to the world two truths, the most salutary to human society, that man can govern himself, and that '''religious freedom is the most effectual anodyne against religious dissension''': the maxim of civil government being reversed in that of religion, where its true form is "[[w:United we stand, divided we fall|divided we stand, united, we fall]]." ** [http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/loc/madison.html Thomas Jefferson to Jacob De La Motta, September 1, 1820. Manuscript Division, Papers of Thomas Jefferson.] [http://sephardicoralhistory.org/education/essays.php?action=show&id=19 For the background of the letter see "Thomas Jefferson's Letter on Religious Freedom" Dr. Kenneth Libo Ph.D and Michael Skakun from the Center for Jewish History, New York City, New York.] * '''I know no safe depository of the ultimate powers of the society but the people themselves; and if we think them not enlightened enough to exercise their control with wholesome discretion, the remedy is not to take it from them, but to inform their discretion by education. This is the true corrective of abuses of constitutional power.''' ** Letter to [[w:William Jarvis (merchant)|William Charles Jarvis]] (28 September 1820) * The judiciary of the United States is the subtle corps of sappers and miners constantly working under ground to undermine the foundations of our confederated fabric. They are construing our constitution from a co-ordination of a general and special government to a general and supreme one alone. This will lay all things at their feet, and they are too well versed in English law to forget the maxim, ''boni judicis est ampliare juris-dictionem.'' We shall see if they are bold enough to take the daring stride their five lawyers have lately taken. If they do, then, with the editor of our book, in his address to the public, I will say, that "against this every man should raise his voice," and more, should uplift his arm. Who wrote this admirable address? Sound, luminous, strong, not a word too much, nor one which can be changed but for the worse. That pen should go on, lay bare these wounds of our constitution, expose the decisions seriatim, and arouse, as it is able, the attention of the nation to these bold speculators on its patience. Having found, from experience, that impeachment is an impracticable thing, a mere scare-crow, they consider themselves secure for life; they sculk from responsibility to public opinion, the only remaining hold on them, under a practice first introduced into England by Lord Mansfield. An opinion is huddled up in conclave, perhaps by a majority of one, delivered as if unanimous, and with the silent acquiescence of lazy or timid associates, by a crafty chief judge, who sophisticates the law to his mind, by the turn of his own reasoning ** [http://books.google.com/books?vid=0Fz_zz_wSWAiVg9LI1&id=vvVVhCadyK4C&pg=PA192&vq=%22impeachment+is+an+impracticable+thing%22&dq=%22jeffersons+works%22 Letter] to [[w:Thomas Ritchie|Thomas Ritchie]] (25 December 1820) * '''We are not afraid to follow truth wherever it may lead, nor to tolerate any error so long as reason is left free to combat it.''' ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/98-01-02-1712 Letter] to [[w:William Roscoe|William Roscoe]] (27 December 1820) * '''You seem to consider the federal judges as the ultimate arbiters of all constitutional questions, a very dangerous doctrine, indeed, and one which would place us under the despotism of an oligarchy. Our judges''' are as honest as other men, and not more so. They '''have with others the same passions for the party, for power and the privilege of the corps. Their power is the more dangerous, as they are in office for life and not responsible, as the other functionaries are, to the elective control. The Constitution has erected no such single tribunal, knowing that to whatever hands confided, with the corruptions of time and party, its members would become despots.''' It has more wisely made all departments co-equal and co-sovereign within themselves. ** Letter to [[w:William Jarvis (merchant)|William Charles Jarvis]] (1820) * Our country is now taking so steady a course as to show by what road it will pass to destruction, to wit: by consolidation of power first, and then corruption, its necessary consequence. The engine of consolidation will be the Federal judiciary; the two other branches the corrupting and corrupted instruments. ** Letter, Thomas Jefferson to Nathaniel Macon, 1821: ME 15-341, as quoted in ''The Assault on Reason'', Al Gore, A&C Black (2012, reprint), p. 87 : {{ISBN|1408835800}}, 9781408835807, and ''Federal Jurisdiction, Form #05.018'', Sovereignty Education and Defense Ministry (2012) * That one hundred and fifty lawyers should do business together ought not to be expected. ** On the U.S. Congress, in his ''Autobiography'' (6 January 1821) * '''Let the eye of vigilance never be closed.''' ** Letter to [[w:Spencer Roane|Spencer Roane]] (9 March 1821) * And even should the cloud of barbarism and despotism again obscure the science and libraries of Europe, this country remains to preserve and restore light and liberty to them. In short, the flames kindled on the fourth of July, 1776, have spread over too much of the globe to be extinguished by the feeble engines of despotism; on the contrary, they will consume these engines and all who work them. ** Letter to [[John Adams]] (12 September 1821) * Where the preamble declares, that coercion is a departure from the plan of the holy author of our religion, an amendment was proposed by inserting "Jesus Christ," so that it would read "A departure from the plan of Jesus Christ, the holy author of our religion;" the insertion was rejected by the great majority, in proof that they meant to comprehend, within the mantle of its protection, the Jew and the Gentile, the Christian and Mohammedan, the Hindoo and Infidel of every denomination. ** Referring to the Virginia Act for Religious Freedom, in his ''Autobiography'' (1821) * Were we directed from Washington when to sow and when to reap, we should soon want bread. ** ''Autobiography'' (1821), reprinted in ''Basic Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', ed. Philip S. Foner, New York: Wiley Book Company (1944} p. 464 * Nothing is more certainly written in the book of fate than that these people are to be free. Nor is it less certain that the two races, equally free, cannot live in the same government. Nature, habit, opinion has drawn indelible lines of distinction between them. It is still in our power to direct the process of emancipation and deportation peaceably and in such slow degree as that the evil will wear off insensibly, and their place be pari passu filled up by free white laborers. If on the contrary it is left to force itself on, human nature must shudder at the prospect held up. ** ''Autobiography'' (1821) in notes describing some of the debates of 1779 on slavery, quoted in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1843), p. 49 * '''The doctrines of [[Jesus]] are simple, and tend all to the happiness of man.''' :: 1. That there is one only God, and he all perfect. :: 2. That there is a future state of rewards and punishments. :: 3. That to love God with all thy heart and thy neighbor as thyself, is the sum of religion. : These are the great points on which he endeavored to reform the religion of the Jews. But compare with these the demoralizing dogmas of [[John Calvin|Calvin]]. :: 1. That there are three Gods. :: 2. That good works, or the love of our neighbor, are nothing. :: 3. That faith is every thing, and the more incomprehensible the proposition, the more merit in its faith. :: 4. That reason in religion is of unlawful use. :: 5. That God, from the beginning, elected certain individuals to be saved, and certain others to be damned; and that no crimes of the former can damn them; no virtues of the latter save. : Now, which of these is the true and charitable Christian? He who believes and acts on the simple doctrines of Jesus? Or the impious dogmatists, as [[w:Athanasius|Athanasius]] and Calvin? Verily I say these are the false shepherds foretold as to enter not by the door into the sheepfold, but to climb up some other way. They are mere usurpers of the Christian name, teaching a counter-religion made up of the deliria of crazy imaginations, as foreign from Christianity as is that of [[Muhammad|Mahomet]]. '''Their blasphemies have driven thinking men into infidelity, who have too hastily rejected the supposed author himself, with the horrors so falsely imputed to him. Had the doctrines of Jesus been preached always as pure as they came from his lips, the whole civilized world would now have been Christian.''' I rejoice that in this blessed country of free inquiry and belief, which has surrendered its creed and conscience to neither kings nor priests, the genuine doctrine of one only God is reviving, and I trust that there is not a young man now living in the United States who will not die an [[w:Unitarianism|Unitarian]].''' :* [[w:Thomas Jefferson|Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[w:Benjamin Waterhouse|Benjamin Waterhouse]] (26 June 1822), published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;12], pp.&nbsp;241–243 * They might need a preparatory discourse on the text of 'prove all things, hold fast that which is good,' in order to unlearn the lesson that reason is an unlawful guide in religion. They might startle on being first awaked from the dreams of the night, but they would rub their eyes at once, and look the spectres boldly in the face. ** Letter to Benjamin Waterhouse (19 July 1822), published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;12], p.&nbsp;244 * In our university [of Virginia] you know there is no Professorship of Divinity. A handle has been made of this, to disseminate an idea that this is an institution, not merely of no religion, but against all religion. Occasion was taken at the last meeting of the Visitors, to bring forward an idea that might silence this calumny, which weighed on the minds of some honest friends to the institution. ** Letter to [[w:Thomas Cooper (US politician)|Thomas Cooper]] (3 November 1822), published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;12], p.&nbsp;272 * '''No historical fact is better established, than that the doctrine of one God, pure and uncompounded, was that of the early ages of Christianity ... Nor was the unity of the Supreme Being ousted from the Christian creed by the force of reason, but by the sword of civil government, wielded at the will of the fanatic Athanasius.''' The hocus-pocus phantasm of a God like another Cerberus, with one body and three heads, had its birth and growth in the blood of thousands of martyrs ... The Athanasian paradox that one is three, and three but one, is so incomprehensible to the human mind, that no candid man can say he has any idea of it, and how can he believe what presents no idea? He who thinks he does, only deceives himself. He proves, also, that '''man, once surrendering his reason, has no remaining guard against absurdities the most monstrous, and like a ship without rudder, is the sport of every wind. With such person, gullibility which they call faith, takes the helm from the hand of reason, and the mind becomes a wreck.''' ** Letter to James Smith (1822) * I can never join [[John Calvin|Calvin]] in addressing ''his god''. He was indeed an Atheist, which I can never be; or rather his religion was Daemonism. If ever man worshipped a false god, he did. The being described in his 5 points is not the God whom you and I acknowledge and adore, the Creator and benevolent governor of the world; but a daemon of malignant spirit. It would be more pardonable to believe in no god at all, than to blaspheme him by the atrocious attributes of Calvin. Indeed I think that every Christian sect gives a great handle to Atheism by their general dogma that, without a revelation, there would not be sufficient proof of the being of a god. ** [http://www.stephenjaygould.org/ctrl/jefferson_adams.html Letter] to [[John Adams]] (11 April 1823) [http://memory.loc.gov/master/mss/mtj/mtj1/053/0800/0841.jpg (Scan at The Library of Congress)] * '''The truth is, that the greatest enemies of the doctrine of Jesus are those, calling themselves the expositors of them, who have perverted them to the structure of a system of fancy absolutely incomprehensible, and without any foundation in his genuine words. And the day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the supreme being as his father in the womb of a virgin will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter ... But may we hope that the dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with this artificial scaffolding, and restore to us the primitive and genuine doctrines of this most venerated reformer of human errors.''' ** [http://www.stephenjaygould.org/ctrl/jefferson_adams.html Letter] to [[John Adams]] (11 April 1823) [http://memory.loc.gov/master/mss/mtj/mtj1/053/0800/0844.jpg (Scan at The Library of Congress)] * The Constitution of the United States asserts that all power is inherent in the people; that they may exercise it by themselves; that it is their right and duty. ** Letter to Justice William Johnson (1823) * To constrain the brute force of the people, the European governments deem it necessary to keep them down by hard labor, poverty and ignorance, and to take from them, as from bees, so much of their earnings, as that unremitting labor shall be necessary to obtain a sufficient surplus to sustain a scanty and miserable life. ** Letter to Justice William Johnson (12 June 1823) * I agree with you that it is the duty of every good citizen to use all the opportunities, which occur to him, for preserving documents relating to the history of our country. ** Letter to Hugh P. Taylor (4 October 1823) * An hereditary chief, strictly limited, the right of war vested in the legislative body, a rigid economy of the public contributions, and absolute interdiction of all useless expenses, will go far towards keeping the government honest and unoppressive. But '''the only security of all is in a free press. The force of public opinion cannot be resisted, when permitted freely to be expressed. The agitation it produces must be submitted to. It is necessary, to keep the waters pure.''' ** [http://www.constitution.org/tj/jeff10.txt Letter to Marquis de la Fayette] (November 4, 1823); in: ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', Memorial Edition (ME) (Lipscomb and Bergh, editors), 20 Vols., Washington, D.C., 1903-04, Volume 15, page 491 * I thank you, Sir, for the copy you were so kind as to send me of the revd. Mr. Bancroft's Unitarian sermons. '''I have read them with great satisfaction, and always rejoice in efforts to restore us to primitive Christianity, in all the [[simplicity]] in which it came from the lips of [[Jesus]].''' Had it never been sophisticated by the subtleties of Commentators, nor paraphrased into [[meanings]] totally foreign to its [[character]], it would at this day have been the [[religion]] of the whole civilized [[world]]. But the metaphysical abstractions of [[Athanasius]], and the maniac ravings of [[Calvin]], tinctured plentifully with the foggy dreams of [[Plato]], have so loaded it with [[absurdities]] and incomprehensibilities, as to drive into infidelity men who had not [[time]], [[patience]], or [[opportunity]] to strip it of its meretricious trappings[.] ** Letter to [[w:John Davis|John Davis]] (18 January 1824). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;12], pp.&nbsp;331–332 * '''Men by their constitutions are naturally divided into two parties: 1. Those who fear and distrust the people, and wish to draw all powers from them into the hands of the higher classes. 2. Those who identify themselves with the people, have confidence in them, cherish and consider them as the most honest and safe, although not the most wise depositary of the public interests. In every country these two parties exist, and in every one where they are free to think, speak, and write, they will declare themselves.''' Call them, therefore, liberals and serviles, Jacobins and Ultras, whigs and tories, republicans and federalists, aristocrats and democrats, or by whatever name you please, they are the same parties still and pursue the same object. '''The last appellation of aristocrats and democrats is the true one expressing the essence of all.''' ** Letter to Henry Lee (10 August 1824) * I think myself that we have more machinery of government than is necessary, too many parasites living on the labor of the industrious. ** Letter to William Ludlow (6 September 1824) * It is between fifty and sixty years since I read it, and I then considered it merely the ravings of a maniac, no more worthy nor capable of explanation than the incoherences of our own nightly dreams. ... what has no meaning admits no explanation. ** Letter to General [[w:Alexander Smyth|Alexander Smyth]], on the book of ''Revelation'' (or ''The Apocalypse'' of St. John the Divine) (17 January 1825) [http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/02/04/opinion/main671823.shtml] * "A Decalogue of Canons for Observation in Practical Life" # Never put off till tomorrow what you can do to-day. # Never trouble another for what you can do yourself. # Never spend your money before you have it. # Never buy what you do not want, because it is cheap; it will be dear to you. # Pride costs us more than hunger, thirst and cold. # We never repent of having eaten too little. # Nothing is troublesome that we do willingly. # How much pain have cost us the evils which have never happened. # Take things always by their smooth handle. # When angry, count ten before you speak; if very angry, an hundred. :* [http://wiki.monticello.org/mediawiki/index.php?title=Canons_of_Conduct&printable=yes Letter to the infant Thomas Jefferson Smith] (21 February 1825) ([http://memory.loc.gov/master/mss/mtj/mtj1/054/1200/1268.jpg Image at Library of Congress]) * Some are whigs, liberals, democrats, call them what you please. Others are tories, serviles, aristocrats, &c. The latter fear the people, and wish to transfer all power to the higher classes of society; the former consider the people as the safest depository of power in the last resort; they cherish them therefore, and wish to leave in them all the powers to the exercise of which they are competent. ** [http://www.monticello.org/site/jefferson/when-government-fears-people-there-libertyquotation Letter to William Short] (1825) * An opinion prevails that there is no longer any distinction, that the republicans & Federalists are completely amalgamated but it is not so. The amalgamation is of name only, not of principle. All indeed call themselves by the name of Republicans, because that of Federalists was extinguished in the battle of New Orleans. But the truth is that finding that monarchy is a desperate wish in this country, they rally to the point which they think next best, a consolidated government. Their aim is now therefore to break down the rights reserved by the constitution to the states as a bulwark against that consolidation, the fear of which produced the whole of the opposition to the constitution at its birth. Hence new Republicans in Congress, preaching the doctrines of the old Federalists, and the new nick-names of Ultras and Radicals. But I trust they will fail under the new, as the old name, and that the friends of the real constitution and union will prevail against consolidation, as they have done against monarchism. '''I scarcely know myself which is most to be deprecated, a consolidation, or dissolution of the states. The horrors of both are beyond the reach of human foresight.''' ** Letter to William B. Giles (26 December 1825) * The good old Dominion, the blessed mother of us all. ** "Thoughts on Lotteries" (1826) *You will recollect that before the Revolution, [[w:Coke on Littleton|Coke Littleton]] was the universal elementary book of law students, and a sounder [[w:Whigs (British political party)|Whig]] never wrote, nor of profounder learning in the orthodox doctrines of the British constitution, or in what were called English liberties. You remember also that our lawyers were then all Whigs. But when his black-letter text, and uncouth, but cunning learning got out of fashion, and the honeyed [[William Murray, 1st Earl of Mansfield|Mansfieldism]] of [[William Blackstone|Blackstone]] became the students' hornbook, from that moment, that profession (the nursery of our Congress) began to slide into [[w:Tory|toryism]], and nearly all the young brood of lawyers now are of that hue. They suppose themselves, indeed, to be Whigs, because they no longer know what [[w:Whiggism|Whigism]] or republicanism means. **Letter to [[James Madison]] (February 17, 1826), quoted in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson, Vol. XVI'' (1905; 1907), p. 156 * '''There is not a [[truth]] existing which I [[fear]] or would wish unknown to the whole [[world]].''' ** Letter to [[Henry Lee]] (15 May 1826) * '''May it be to the world, what I believe it will be, (to some parts sooner, to others later, but finally to all), the signal of arousing men to burst the chains under which monkish ignorance and superstition had persuaded them to bind themselves, and to assume the blessings and security of self-government.''' ** Letter to Roger C. Weightman, on the decision for Independence made in 1776, often quoted as if in reference solely to the document the ''Declaration of Independence'' (24 June 1826) * '''All eyes are opened, or opening, to the rights of man. The general spread of the light of science has already laid open to every view the palpable truth, that the mass of mankind has not been born with saddles on their backs, nor a favored few booted and spurred, ready to ride them legitimately, by the grace of God. '''These are grounds of hope for others. For ourselves, let the annual return of this day forever refresh our recollections of these rights, and an undiminished devotion to them. ** [http://www.rjgeib.com/thoughts/jefferson/jefferson.html Letter to Roger C. Weightman''], declining to attend July 4th ceremonies in Washington D.C. celebrating the 50th anniversary of Independence, because of his health. This was [http://www.rjgeib.com/thoughts/jefferson/jefferson.html Jefferson's last letter]. (24 June 1826) * Life's visions are vanished, it's [[dreams]] are no more.<br>Dear friends of my bosom, why bathed in tears?<br>I go to my fathers; I welcome the shore,<br>which crowns all my hopes, or which buries my cares.<br>Then farewell my dear, my lov'd daughter, Adieu!<br>The last pang in life is in parting from you.<br>Two [[Angels|Seraphs]] await me, long shrouded in [[death]];<br>I will bear them your love on my last parting breath. ** "''A death-bed Adieu from Th. J. to M. R.''" Jefferson's poem to his eldest child, [[w:Martha Jefferson Randolph|Martha "Patsy" Randolph]], written during his last illness in 1826. [http://www.loc.gov/rr/program/bib/prespoetry/tj.html] Two days before his death, Jefferson told Martha that in a certain drawer in an old pocket book she would find something intended for her. [https://books.google.com/books?id=1F3fPa1LWVQC&pg=PA429&dq=%22in+a+certain+drawer+in+an+old+pocket+book%22&hl=en&sa=X&ei=NDa2VJX_OYOeNtCpg8gM&ved=0CCQQ6AEwAQ#v=onepage&q=%22in%20a%20certain%20drawer%20in%20an%20old%20pocket%20book%22&f=false] The "two seraphs" refer to Jefferson's deceased wife and younger daughter. His wife, [[w:Martha Jefferson| Martha]] (nicknamed "Patty"), died in 1782; his daughter [[w:Mary Jefferson Eppes|Mary]] (nicknamed "Polly" and also "Maria," died in 1804 * '''This is the Fourth?''' ** Last words (Jefferson died on 4 July 1826, the 50th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence) ** A few accounts declare that he asked on the night of the third:'' "Is it the fourth?" '' Most accounts declare the cited words were his last, and that he died a few hours before [[John Adams]], whose last words are reported to have been: ''"Thomas — Jefferson — still surv — "'' or ''"Thomas Jefferson still survives."''. ==== Letter to A. Coray (1823) ==== [[File:Thomas Jefferson.PNG|thumb|The equal [[rights]] of man, and the [[happiness]] of every [[individual]] ... are the only legitimate objects of [[government]].]] [[File:Schevill Karl Bitter Thomas Jefferson University of Virginia.jpg|thumb|In [[truth]], man is not made to be trusted for [[life]], if secured against all liability to account.]] [[File:Freedomofthepressstamp.jpg|thumb| This formidable [[censor]] of the public functionaries, by arraigning them at the tribunal of public [[opinion]], produces reform peaceably, which must otherwise be done by [[revolution]]. It is also the best instrument for [[enlightening]] the [[mind]] of man, and improving him as a rational, moral, and social being.]] : <small>Thomas Jefferson's letter to A. Coray a.k.a. Adamantios Koraes (a greek who published modern version of Greek classics to promote the [[w:Greek War of Independence|Greek revolutionary cause]]) from October 31, 1823 was [http://books.google.de/books?id=VGj4SzVoCfYC&pg=PA52&lpg=PA52&dq=thomas+jefferson+to+coray+Oct+31,+1823&source=bl&ots=OLDZHs_yDg&sig=Vqzqf_GegZqCG2TfCgdiX8Ttx30&hl=de&sa=X&ei=GLT6UJIbiOyyBuSIgGA&ved=0CH0Q6AEwCQ#v=onepage&q=thomas%20jefferson%20to%20coray%20Oct%2031%2C%201823&f=false a response to Koraes's gift] of his editions of Aristotele's ''Ethics'' and Onesander's ''Strategicos''. [http://www.constitution.org/tj/jeff15.txt The letter can be found in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', edited by Andrew A Lipscomb and William Elery Bergh, 20 volumes (Washington, D.C.: Thomas Jefferson Memorial Foundation, 1901-04), at pages 480-490 of volume 15.] In the letter Jefferson gives "you [[w:Federalism in the United States|some – thoughts on the subject of national government.]]"</small> * '''The equal [[rights]] of man, and the [[happiness]] of every [[individual]], are now acknowledged to be the only legitimate objects of [[government]].''' Modern times have the signal advantage, too, of having discovered '''the only device by which these rights can be secured, to wit: government by the people, acting not in person, but by representatives chosen by themselves, that is to say; by every man of ripe years and sane mind, who either contributes by his purse or person to the support of his country.''' * The small and imperfect mixture of representative government in England, impeded as it is by other branches, aristocratical and hereditary, shows yet the power of the representative principle towards improving the condition of man. With us, all the branches of the government are elective by the people themselves, except the judiciary, of whose science and qualifications they are not competent judges. Yet, even in that department, we call in a jury of the people to decide all controverted matters of fact, because to that investigation they are entirely competent, leaving thus as little as possible, merely the law of the case, to the decision of the judges. And true it is that '''the people, especially when moderately instructed, are the only safe, because the only honest, depositories of the public rights, and should therefore be introduced into the administration of them in every function to which they are sufficient; they will err sometimes and accidentally, but never designedly, and with a systematic and persevering purpose of overthrowing the free principles of the government. Hereditary bodies, on the contrary, always existing, always on the watch for their own aggrandizement, profit of every opportunity of advancing the privileges of their order, and encroaching on the rights of the people.''' * The extent of our country was so great, and its former division into distinct States so established, that we thought it better to confederate as to foreign affairs only. Every State retained its self-government in domestic matters, as better qualified to direct them to the good and satisfaction of their citizens, than a general government so distant from its remoter citizens, and so little familiar with the local peculiarities of the different parts. [...] There are now twenty-four of these distinct States, none smaller perhaps than your Morea, several larger than all Greece. Each of these has a constitution framed by itself and for itself, but militating in nothing with the powers of the General Government in its appropriate department of war and foreign affairs. These constitutions being in print and in every hand, I shall only make brief observations on them, and on those provisions particularly which have not fulfilled expectations, or which, being varied in different States, leave a choice to be made of that which is best. You will find much good in all of them, and no one which would be approved in all its parts. Such indeed are the different circumstances, prejudices, and habits of different nations, that the constitution of no one would be reconcilable to any other in every point. A judicious selection of the parts of each suitable to any other, is all which prudence should attempt [...]. * For if experience has ever taught a truth, it is that '''a plurality in the supreme Executive will forever split into discordant factions, distract the nation, annihilate its energies, and force the nation to rally under a single head, generally an usurper.''' We have, I think, fallen on the happiest of all modes of constituting the Executive, that of easing and aiding our President, by permitting him to choose Secretaries of State, of Finance, of War, and of the Navy, with whom he may advise, either separately or all together, and remedy their divisions by adopting or controlling their opinions at his discretion; this saves the nation from the evils of a divided will, and secures to it a steady march in the systematic course which the President may have adopted for that of his administration. * '''Our different States have differently modified their several judiciaries as to the tenure of office. Some appoint their judges for a given term of time; some continue them during good behavior, and that to be determined on by the concurring vote of two-thirds of each legislative House.''' In England they are removable by a majority only of each House. The last is a practicable remedy; the second is not. The combination of the friends and associates of the accused, the action of personal and party passions, and the sympathies of the human heart, will forever find means of influencing one-third of either the one or the other House, will thus secure their impunity, and establish them in fact for life. '''The first remedy is the best, that of appointing for a term of years only, with a capacity of reappointment if their conduct has been approved.''' * '''At the establishment of our constitutions, the judiciary bodies were supposed to be the most helpless and harmless members of the government. Experience, however, soon showed in what way they were to become the most dangerous; that the insufficiency of the means provided for their removal gave them a freehold and irresponsibility in office; that their decisions, seeming to concern individual suitors only, pass silent and unheeded by the public at large; that these decisions, nevertheless, become law by precedent, sapping, by little and little, the foundations of the constitution, and working its change by construction, before any one has perceived that that invisible and helpless worm has been busily employed in consuming its substance. In truth, man is not made to be trusted for life, if secured against all liability to account.''' * But, '''whatever be the constitution, great care must be taken to provide a mode of amendment, when experience or change of circumstances shall have manifested that any part of it is unadapted to the good of the nation.''' In some of our States it requires a new authority from the whole people, acting by their representatives, chosen for this express purpose, and assembled in convention. This is found ' too difficult for remedying the imperfections which experience develops from time to time in an organization of the first impression. A greater facility of amendment is certainly requisite to maintain it in a course of action accommodated to the times and changes through which we are ever passing. In England the constitution may be altered by a single act of the legislature, which amounts to the having no constitution at all. '''In some of our States, an act passed by two different legislatures, chosen by the people, at different and successive elections, is sufficient to make a change in the constitution. As this mode may be rendered more or less easy, by requiring the approbation of fewer or more successive legislatures, according to the degree of difficulty thought sufficient, and yet safe, it is evidently the best principle which can be adopted for constitutional amendments.''' * I have stated that the constitutions of our several States vary more or less in some particulars. But '''there are certain principles''' in which all agree, and '''which all cherish as vitally essential to the protection of the life, liberty, property, and safety of the citizen''': # '''[[w:Freedom of religion|Freedom of religion]]''', restricted only from acts of trespass on that of others. # '''[[w:Political freedom|Freedom of person]]''', securing every one from imprisonment, or other bodily restraint, but by the laws of the land. This is effected by the well-known law of [[w:Habeas Corpus|habeas corpus]]. # '''[[w:Jury_trial|Trial by jury]], the best of all safeguards for the person, the property, and the fame of every individual.''' # '''The exclusive right of legislation and taxation in the representatives of the people'''. # '''[[w:Freedom of the press|Freedom of the press]]''', subject only to liability for personal injuries. '''This formidable censor of the public functionaries, by arraigning them at the tribunal of public opinion, produces reform peaceably, which must otherwise be done by revolution. It is also the best instrument for enlightening the mind of man, and improving him as a rational, moral, and social being.''' ==== Letter to Frances Wright (1825) ==== : <small>[http://alexpeak.com/twr/jefferson/#1784 Letter to Frances Wright (7 August 1825)]</small> * The abolition of [[Slavery|the evil]] is not impossible; it ought never therefore to be despaired of. Every plan should be adopted, every experiment tried, which may do something towards [[Freedom|the ultimate object]]. === Posthumous publications === [[File:General George Washington Resigning his Commission.jpg|thumb|I have ever deemed it more honorable and profitable, too, to set a good example than to follow a bad one.]] [[File:Thomas Jefferson's Grab.JPG|thumb|Here was buried Thomas Jefferson, author of the Declaration of American Independence, of the Statute of Virginia for Religious Freedom, and Father of the University of Virginia.]] * '''It is not by the consolidation or concentration, of powers, but by their distribution that good government is effected.''' ** ''Memoirs, Correspondence and Private Papers of Thomas Jefferson'' (1829) edited by Thomas Jefferson Randolph, p. 70 * The religion-builders have so distorted and deformed the doctrines of [[Jesus]], so muffled them in mysticisms, fancies and falsehoods, have caricatured them into forms so monstrous and inconceivable, as to shock reasonable thinkers. ... Happy in the prospect of a restoration of primitive Christianity, I must leave to younger athletes to encounter and lop off the false branches which have been engrafted into it by the mythologists of the middle and modern ages. ** ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1853-1854), edited by H. A. Washington, Vol. 7, pp. 210, 257 * '''I have ever deemed it more honorable and profitable, too, to set a good example than to follow a bad one.''' ** As quoted in ''The Life and Writings of Thomas Jefferson : Including All of His Important Utterances on Public Questions'' (1900) by Samuel E. Forman, p. 429 * I never consider a difference of opinion in politics, in religion, in philosophy, as cause for withdrawing from a friend. ** As quoted in ''The Life and Writings of Thomas Jefferson : Including All of His Important Utterances on Public Questions'' (1900) by Samuel E. Forman, p. 429 * Good wine is a necessity of life for me. ** As quoted in ''The Man from Monticello : An Intimate Life of Thomas Jefferson'' (1969) by Thomas J. Fleming, p. 250 * '''Here was buried Thomas Jefferson, author of the Declaration of American Independence, of the Statute of Virginia for Religious Freedom, and Father of the University of Virginia.''' ** Epitaph, upon his instructions to erect a ''"a plain die or cube ... surmounted by an Obelisk"'' with ''"the following inscription, and not a word more...because by these, as testimonials that I have lived, I wish most to be remembered."'' It omits that he had been President of the United States, a position of political power and prestige, and celebrates his involvement in the creation of the means of inspiration and instruction by which many human lives have been liberated from oppression and ignorance. ==== On financial matters ==== : <small>This section was added by an editor primarily citing ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' Memorial Edition (Lipscomb and Bergh, editors) (ME) 20 Vols., Washington, D.C. (1903-04) as the source. </small> <!-- further dating of the letters cited, rather than their serial classification would be helpful --> [[File:Thomas Jefferson commerative silver dollar.png|thumb|The idea of creating a national bank I do not concur in, because it seems now decided that Congress has not that power...]] [[File:Thomas Jefferson Presidential $1 Coin obverse.png|thumb|I am an enemy to all banks discounting bills or notes for anything but coin.]] [[File:US $2 1918 Federal Reserve Bank Note.jpg|thumb|Necessity, as well as patriotism and confidence, will make us all eager to receive treasury notes, if founded on specific taxes.]] [[File:US $2 obverse-high.jpg|thumb|There can be no safer deposit on earth than the Treasury of the United States.]] * The incorporation of a bank and the powers assumed [by legislation doing so] have not, in my opinion, been delegated to the United States by the Constitution. They are not among the powers specially enumerated. ** [http://www.yamaguchy.netfirms.com/7897401/jefferson/natbank.html ''Opinion on the Constitutionality of the Bill for Establishing a National Bank., 1791.''] ME 3:146 * The government of the United States have no idea of paying their debt in a depreciated medium, and... in the final liquidation of the payments which shall have been made, due regard will be had to an equitable allowance for the circumstance of depreciation. ** Letter to Jean Baptiste de Ternant, 1791. ME 8:247 * I wish it were possible to obtain a single amendment to our Constitution. I would be willing to depend on that alone for the reduction of the administration of our government to the genuine principles of its Constitution; I mean an additional article, taking from the federal government the power of borrowing. ** Letter to [[w:John Taylor (1770-1832)|John Taylor]] (26 November 1798), shortened in ''The Money Masters'' to "I wish it were possible to obtain a single amendment to our Constitution ... taking from the federal government their power of borrowing". * The monopoly of a single bank is certainly an evil. The multiplication of them was intended to cure it; but it multiplied an influence of the same character with the first, and completed the supplanting the precious metals by a paper circulation. Between such parties the less we meddle the better. ** Letter to Albert Gallatin, 1802. ME 10:323 * In order to be able to meet a general combination of the banks against us in a critical emergency, could we not make a beginning towards an independent use of our own money, towards holding our own bank in all the deposits where it is received, and letting the treasurer give his draft or note for payment at any particular place, which, in a well-conducted government, ought to have as much credit as any private draft or bank note or bill, and would give us the same facilities which we derive from the banks? ** [http://www.yamaguchy.netfirms.com/7897401/jefferson/gallatin.html ''Letter to Albert Gallatin, 1803.''] ME 10:439 * [The] Bank of the United States... is one of the most deadly hostility existing, against the principles and form of our Constitution... An institution like this, penetrating by its branches every part of the Union, acting by command and in phalanx, may, in a critical moment, upset the government. I deem no government safe which is under the vassalage of any self-constituted authorities, or any other authority than that of the nation, or its regular functionaries. What an obstruction could not this bank of the United States, with all its branch banks, be in time of war! It might dictate to us the peace we should accept, or withdraw its aids. Ought we then to give further growth to an institution so powerful, so hostile? ** Letter to Albert Gallatin, 1803. ME 10:437 * The principle of rotation... in the body of [bank] directors... breaks in upon the esprit de corps so apt to prevail in permanent bodies; it gives a chance for the public eye penetrating into the sanctuary of those proceedings and practices, which the avarice of the directors may introduce for their personal emolument, and which the resentments of excluded directors, or the honesty of those duly admitted, might betray to the public; and it gives an opportunity at the end of the year, or at other periods, of correcting a choice, which on trial, proves to have been unfortunate. ** Letter to Albert Gallatin, 1803. ME 10:437 * It has always been denied by the republican party in this country, that the Constitution had given the power of incorporation to Congress. On the establishment of the Bank of the United States, this was the great ground on which that establishment was combated; and the party prevailing supported it only on the argument of its being an incident to the power given them for raising money. ** Letter to Dr. Maese, 1809. ME 12:231 * That we are overdone with banking institutions which have banished the precious metals and substituted a more fluctuating and unsafe medium, that these have withdrawn capital from useful improvements and employments to nourish idleness, that the wars of the world have swollen our commerce beyond the wholesome limits of exchanging our own productions for our own wants, and that, for the emolument of a small proportion of our society who prefer these demoralizing pursuits to labors useful to the whole, the peace of the whole is endangered and all our present difficulties produced, are evils more easily to be deplored than remedied. ** Letter to Abbe Salimankis, 1810. ME 12:379 * The idea of creating a national bank I do not concur in, because it seems now decided that Congress has not that power (although I sincerely wish they had it exclusively), and because I think there is already a vast redundancy rather than a scarcity of paper medium. ** Letter to Thomas Law, 1813. FE 9:433 * Everything predicted by the enemies of banks, in the beginning, is now coming to pass. We are to be ruined now by the deluge of bank paper. It is cruel that such revolutions in private fortunes should be at the mercy of avaricious adventurers, who, instead of employing their capital, if any they have, in manufactures, commerce, and other useful pursuits, make it an instrument to burden all the interchanges of property with their swindling profits, profits which are the price of no useful industry of theirs. ** Letter to Thomas Cooper, 1814. ME 14:61 * I am an enemy to all banks discounting bills or notes for anything but coin. ** Letter to Thomas Cooper, 1814. ME 14:61 * Necessity, as well as patriotism and confidence, will make us all eager to receive treasury notes, if founded on specific taxes. Congress may borrow of the public, and without interest, all the money they may want, to the amount of a competent circulation, by merely issuing their own promissory notes, of proper denominations for the larger purposes of circulation, but not for the small. Leave that door open for the entrance of metallic money. ** Letter to Thomas Cooper, 1814. ME 14:189 * The State legislatures should be immediately urged to relinquish the right of establishing banks of discount. Most of them will comply, on patriotic principles, under the convictions of the moment; and the non-complying may be crowded into concurrence by legitimate devices. ** Letter to Thomas Cooper, 1814. ME 14:190 * Instead of funding issues of paper on the hypothecation of specific redeeming taxes (the only method of anticipating, in a time of war, the resources of times of peace, tested by the experience of nations), we are trusting to tricks of jugglers on the cards, to the illusions of banking schemes for the resources of the war, and for the cure of colic to inflations of more wind. ** Letter to [[w:José Correia da Serra|José Correia da Serra]] (1814) ME 14:224 * Treasury notes of small as well as high denomination, bottomed on a tax which would redeem them in ten years, would place at our disposal the whole circulating medium of the United States... The public... ought never more to permit its being filched from them by private speculators and disorganizers of the circulation. ** Letter to William H. Crawford, 1815. ME 14:242 * I hope we shall... crush in it’s birth the aristocracy of our monied corporations which dare already to challenge our government to a trial of strength and bid defiance to the laws of our country ** [http://memory.loc.gov/master/mss/mtj/mtj1/049/0600/0642.jpg''Letter to George Logan, 1816''] * Put down the banks, and if this country could not be carried through the longest war against her most powerful enemy without ever knowing the want of a dollar, without dependence on the traitorous classes of her citizens, without bearing hard on the resources of the people, or loading the public with an indefinite burden of debt, I know nothing of my countrymen. Not by any novel project, not by any ''charlatanerie'', but by ordinary and well-experienced means; by the total prohibition of all private paper at all times, by reasonable taxes in war aided by the necessary emissions of public paper of circulating size, this bottomed on special taxes, redeemable annually as this special tax comes in, and finally within a moderate period. ** [http://www.yamaguchy.netfirms.com/7897401/jefferson/gallatin1.html ''Letter to Albert Gallatin, 1815.''] ME 14:356 * Our people... will give you all the necessaries of war they produce, if, instead of the bankrupt trash they now are obliged to receive for want of any other, you will give them a paper promise funded on a specific pledge, and of a size for common circulation. ** Letter to James Monroe, 1815. ME 14:228 * The system of banking we have both equally and ever reprobated. I contemplate it as a blot left in all our constitutions, which, if not covered, will end in their destruction, which is already hit by the gamblers in corruption, and is sweeping away in its progress the fortunes and morals of our citizens. ** [http://www.yamaguchy.netfirms.com/7897401/jefferson/jefftaylor.html ''Letter to John Taylor''] (28 May 1816): The Writings of Thomas Jefferson "Memorial Edition" (20 Vols., 1903-04) edited by Andrew A. Lipscomb and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. 15, p. 18) * The bank mania is one of the most threatening of these imitations. It is raising up a moneyed aristocracy in our country which has already set the government at defiance, and although forced at length to yield a little on this first essay of their strength, their principles are unyielded and unyielding. These have taken deep root in the hearts of that class from which our legislators are drawn, and the sop to Cerberus from fable has become history. Their principles lay hold of the good, their pelf of the bad, and thus those whom the Constitution had placed as guards to its portals, are sophisticated or suborned from their duties. ** Letter to Josephus B. Stuart (May 10, 1817) ME 15:112; reported in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', ed. Andrew A. Lipscomb (1904), vol. 15, p. 112 * Nearly all of it is now called in by the banks, who have the regulation of the safety-valves of our fortunes, and who condense and explode them at their will. ** [http://www.yamaguchy.netfirms.com/7897401/jefferson/1819.html Letter to John Adams (1819)] ME 15:224 * Certainly no nation ever before abandoned to the avarice and jugglings of private individuals to regulate according to their own interests, the quantum of circulating medium for the nation — to inflate, by deluges of paper, the nominal prices of property, and then to buy up that property at 1s. in the pound, having first withdrawn the floating medium which might endanger a competition in purchase. Yet this is what has been done, and will be done, unless stayed by the protecting hand of the legislature. The evil has been produced by the error of their sanction of this ruinous machinery of banks; and justice, wisdom, duty, all require that they should interpose and arrest it before the schemes of plunder and spoliation desolate the country. ** Letter to William C. Rives (1819) ME 15:232 * Put down all banks, admit none but a metallic circulation that will take its proper level with the like circulation in other countries, and then our manufacturers may work in fair competition with those of other countries, and the import duties which the government may lay for the purposes of revenue will so far place them above equal competition. ** Letter to Charles Pinckney (1820) ME 15:280 * There can be no safer deposit on earth than the Treasury of the United States. ** Letter to [[Gilbert du Motier, marquis de Lafayette]] (1825) ME 19:281 ==== On [[botany]] ==== * Botany is the school for patience, and it’s amateurs learn resignation from daily disappointments. ** Thomas Jefferson, in letter to Madame de Tessé (25 Apr 1788). In ''Thomas Jefferson Correspondence: Printed from the Originals'' (1916), 7. * There is not a sprig of grass that shoots uninteresting to me. ** Thomas Jefferson Letter (23 Dec 1790) to Martha Jefferson Randolph. Collected in B.L. Rayner (ed.), Sketches of the Life, Writings, and Opinions of Thomas Jefferson (1832), 192. * The naturalists, you know, distribute the history of nature into three kingdoms or departments: zoology, botany, mineralogy. Ideology, or mind, however, occupies so much space in the field of science, that we might perhaps erect it into a fourth kingdom or department. But inasmuch as it makes a part of the animal construction only, it would be more proper to subdivide zoology into physical and moral. ** Thomas Jefferson, Letter (24 Mar 1824) to Mr. Woodward. Collected in The Writings of Thomas Jefferson: Correspondence (1854), 339. * The greatest service which can be rendered any country is to add an useful plant to its culture; especially, a bread grain; next in value to bread is oil. ** Thomas Jefferson, ''In Memoir, Correspondence, and Miscellanies from the Papers of T. Jefferson'' (1829), Vol. 1, 144 == Attributed == * I have always said, and always will say, that the studious perusal of the sacred volume will make better citizens, better fathers, and better husbands. ** Attributed to Jefferson by Daniel Webster in a letter of 15 June 1852 addressed to Professor Pease, recalling a Sunday spent with Jefferson more than a quarter of a century before. * The habit of using ''ardent spirit'', by men in public office, has occasioned more injury to the public service, and more trouble to me, than any other circumstance which has occurred in the internal concerns of the country, during my administration. And were I to commence my administration again, with the knowledge which from experience I have acquired, the first question which I would ask, with regard to every candidate for public office, should be, "''Is he addicted to the use of ardent spirit?''" ** Attributed by an unnamed "distinguished officer of the United States Government" in the ''Sixth Report of the American Temperance Society'', May, 1833, [http://books.google.com/books?id=h_c0wbAOQ5kC&pg=PA237&dq=%22The+habit+of+using+ardent+spirit%22 pp. 10-11]. ** Later variant: Were I to commence my administration again,... the first question I would ask respecting a candidate would be, "Does he use ardent spirits?" * I allow nothing for losses by death, but, on the contrary, shall presently take credit four per cent. per annum, for their increase over and above keeping up their own numbers. ** On his profits from slavery as quoted in ''[http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-dark-side-of-thomas-jefferson-35976004/ The Dark Side of Thomas Jefferson]'', by Henry Wiencek, ''Smithsonian Magazine'', (October 2012) * Children till 10. years old to serve as nurses. from 10. to 16. the boys make nails, the girls spin. at 16. go into the ground or learn trades. ** Jefferson's Farm Book as quoted in ''[http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-dark-side-of-thomas-jefferson-35976004/ The Dark Side of Thomas Jefferson]'', by Henry Wiencek, ''Smithsonian Magazine'', (October 2012) * My new trade of nail-making is to me in this country what an additional title of nobility or the ensigns of a new order are in Europe ** As quoted in ''[http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-dark-side-of-thomas-jefferson-35976004/ The Dark Side of Thomas Jefferson]'', by Henry Wiencek, ''Smithsonian Magazine'', (October 2012) * I forgot to ask the favor of you to speak to Lilly as to the treatment of the nailers. it would destroy their value in my estimation to degrade them in their own eyes by the whip. this therefore must not be resorted to but in extremities. as they will again be under my government, I would chuse they should retain the stimulus of character. ** Letter to colonel Randolph as quoted in ''[http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-dark-side-of-thomas-jefferson-35976004/ The Dark Side of Thomas Jefferson]'', by Henry Wiencek, ''Smithsonian Magazine'', (October 2012) * I am quite at a loss about the nailboys remaining with mr Stewart. they have long been a dead expence instead of profit to me. in truth they require a vigour of discipline to make them do reasonable work, to which he cannot bring himself. on the whole I think it will be best for them also to be removed to mr Lilly’s [control]. ** In a letter to James Dinsmore as quoted in ''[http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-dark-side-of-thomas-jefferson-35976004/ The Dark Side of Thomas Jefferson]'', by Henry Wiencek, ''Smithsonian Magazine'', (October 2012) * A child raised every 2. years is of more profit then the crop of the best laboring man. in this, as in all other cases, providence has made our duties and our interests coincide perfectly.... [W]ith respect therefore to our women & their children I must pray you to inculcate upon the overseers that it is not their labor, but their increase which is the first consideration with us. ** In letter to plantation manager, as quoted in ''[http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-dark-side-of-thomas-jefferson-35976004/ The Dark Side of Thomas Jefferson]'', by Henry Wiencek, ''Smithsonian Magazine'', (October 2012) * Dispersed as the Jews are, they still form one nation, foreign to the land they live in. ** As quoted in ''The Americans'' by Daniel Boorstin. See ''[https://www.google.com.br/books/edition/Truth_from_the_Zog_Bog/Jrsic_27OCsC?gbpv=1&pg=PA81&printsec=frontcover Truth from the "Zog Bog"]'' by Gyeorgos Ceres Hatonn, 1993, 224 p. {{Disputed begin}} == Disputed == * '''In matters of style, swim with the current: in matters of principle, stand like a rock.''' ** As quoted in ''Careertracking: 26 success Shortcuts to the Top'' (1988) by James Calano and Jeff Salzman; though used in an address by [[Bill Clinton]] (31 March 1997), and sometimes cited to ''Notes on the State of Virginia'' (1787) no earlier occurence of this has yet been located. * I have recently been examining all the known superstitions of the world, and do not find in our particular superstition one redeeming feature. They are all alike founded on fables and mythology. ** Quoted in {{cite book | year = 1906 | title = Six Historic Americans | first = John E. | last = Remsburg | section = chapter 2 | location = New York | publisher = The Truth Seeker Company | ol = 13504056M | oclc = 2219498 | page = 74 | url = http://www.archive.org/details/sixhistoricameri00rems }}, who claimed it to be from a letter to "Dr. Woods." The full letter is never reproduced, and the Jefferson Foundation [http://www.monticello.org/site/jefferson/superstition-christianity-quotation lists] the quotation as spurious. {{Disputed end}} {{Misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == * When governments fear the people, there is liberty. When the people fear the government, there is tyranny. ** Variant: Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty. ** First attributed to Jefferson in 1945, this does not appear in any known Jefferson document. [http://wiki.monticello.org/mediawiki/index.php/When_governments_fear_the_people,_there_is_liberty...(Quotation) When governments fear the people, there is liberty...], Thomas Jefferson Encyclopedia. It first appears in 1914, in {{cite book | last = Barnhill | first = John Basil | authorlink = John Basil Barnhill | chapter = Indictment of Socialism No. 3 | title = Barnhill-Tichenor Debate on Socialism | url = http://debs.indstate.edu/b262b3_1914.pdf | format = PDF | accessdate = 2008-10-16 | year = 1914 | publisher = National Rip-Saw Publishing | location = Saint Louis, Missouri | pages = p. 34 }} * The price of freedom is eternal vigilance. ** Often attributed to Jefferson, no original source for this has been found in his writings, and the earliest established source for similar remarks are those of [[w:John Philpot Curran|John Philpot Curran]] in a speech upon the Right of Election (1790), published in ''Speeches on the late very interesting State trials'' (1808): :: "It is the common fate of the indolent to see their rights become a prey to the active. '''The condition upon which God hath given liberty to man is eternal vigilance'''; which condition if he break, servitude is at once the consequence of his crime and the punishment of his guilt." :* In a biography of Major General James Jackson published in 1809, author Thomas Charlton wrote that one of the obligations of biographers of famous people is </br> :: "fastening upon the minds of the American people the belief, that ''''the price of liberty is eternal vigilance'''' " (in Thomas Usher Pulaski Charlton, [https://books.google.com.br/books?id=cEcSAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA85&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q&f=false ''The life of Major General James Jackson'']; F.Randolph, & Co., 1809, p. 85). :* Variant: "'''Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty'''; power is ever stealing from the many to the few" (from a speech by [[Wendell Phillips]] at the Massachusetts Anti-Slavery Society on January 28, 1852; quoted by John Morley, ed., [https://books.google.com.br/books?id=VfjRAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA67&lpg=PA67&dq=%E2%80%9CEternal+vigilance+is+the+price+of+liberty.%E2%80%9D+phillips+speech+anti-slavery&source=bl&ots=H2f8ckIw9o&sig=EukDrduBdK-oQSeY_Gf-VFQ6M54&hl=en&ei=SaxmTN-0H4P98AbioIi0BA&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q=%E2%80%9CEternal%20vigilance%20is%20the%20price%20of%20liberty.%E2%80%9D%20phillips%20speech%20anti-slavery&f=false ''The Fortnightly''], Volume VIII, Chapman and Hall, 1870, p. 67). * A society that will trade a little liberty for a little order will lose both, and deserve neither. ** This has actually become a common paraphrase of a statement that is believed to have originated with [[Benjamin Franklin]]: ''Those who would give up Essential Liberty to purchase a little Temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety''. * There is no justification for taking away individuals' freedom in the guise of public safety. ** This seems more like something [[Benjamin Franklin]] might have said. There's no record Thomas Jefferson said it. * Resistance to tyranny is obedience to God. ** ''Variation'': Disobedience to tyranny is obedience to God. ** This statement has often been attributed to Jefferson and sometimes to English theologian [[William Tyndale]], or [[Susan B. Anthony]], who used it, but cited it as an "old revolutionary maxim" — it was widely used as an abolitionist and feminist slogan in the 19th century. [[Benjamin Franklin]] proposed in August 1776 a very similar quote (Rebellion to Tyrants is Obedience to God) as the motto on the [http://www.greatseal.com/committees/firstcomm/reverse.html Great Seal of the United States]. The earliest definite citations of a source yet found in research for Wikiquote indicates that the primary formulation was declared by Massachusetts Governor [[w:Simon Bradstreet|Simon Bradstreet]] after [[w:1689 Boston revolt|the overthrow]] of [[w:Dominion of New England|Dominion of New England]] Governor [[w:Edmund Andros|Edmund Andros]] in relation to the "[[w:Glorious Revolution|Glorious Revolution]]" of 1688, as quoted in ''Official Report of the Debates and Proceedings in the State Convention: assembled May 4th, 1853'' (1853) by the Massachusetts Constitutional Convention, p. 502. It is also quoted as a maxim that arose after the overthrow of Andros in ''A Book of New England Legends and Folk Lore'' (1883) by Samuel Adams Drake. p. 426 * Dissent is the highest form of patriotism. ** Various; earliest source ''[http://www.worldcat.org/oclc/21414360 The Use of Force in International Affairs]'' (Philadelphia: Friends Peace Committee, 1961), 6, and popularized by various users in the 1960s: *** If what your country is doing seems to you practically and morally wrong, is dissent the highest form of patriotism? **** [http://wiki.monticello.org/mediawiki/index.php/Dissent_is_the_highest_form_of_patriotism_(Quotation) Dissent is the highest form of patriotism], Thomas Jefferson Encyclopedia ** Other form by historian [[Howard Zinn]] ''[http://www.tompaine.com/Archive/scontent/5908.html Dissent In Pursuit Of Equality, Life, Liberty And Happiness: An Interview With Historian Howard Zinn]'' by Sharon Basco, [http://TomPaine.com TomPaine.com], July 03 2002 (The quote can be found in the first sentence of Mr. Zinn's first answer; nowhere in that article does Howard Zinn attribute that quote to Jefferson.): *** While some people think that dissent is unpatriotic, I would argue that dissent is the highest form of patriotism. ** Law professor Jim Lindgren of The [[w:Volokh Conspiracy|Volokh Conspiracy]] has traced the possible origin of this saying back as far as the 11 November 1984 obituary of pacifist activist [[w:Dorothy Hutchinson | Dorothy Hewitt Hutchinson]] in the [[w:The Philadelphia Inquirer|Philadelphia Inquirer]], quoting a 1965 interview. The direct quote there is: ''"Dissent from public policy can be the highest form of patriotism," she said in an interview in 1965. "I don't think democracy can survive without it, even though you may be crucified by it at times."'' According to the professor's [http://volokh.com/posts/1146554363.shtml research], the misattribution was popularized in the 1990's by [[w:American Civil Liberties Union|ACLU]] president [[w:Nadine Strossen | Nadine Strossen]]. Bill Mullins of the [[American Dialect Society]] did [http://listserv.linguistlist.org/cgi-bin/wa?A2=ind0605A&L=ADS-L&P=R1297&I=-3 further research]. * Government big enough to supply everything you need is big enough to take everything you have ... The course of history shows that as a government grows, liberty decreases. ** Commonly quoted on many websites, this quotation is actually from an address by President [[Gerald Ford]] [http://www.bartleby.com/73/714.html to the US Congress (12 August 1974)] * The best government is that which governs least. ** Motto of ''United States Magazine and Democratic Review''. First used in introductory essay by editor [[w:John L. O'Sullivan|John L. O'Sullivan]] in the premier issue (October, 1837, [http://books.google.com/books?id=HGtJAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA6&dq=%22governs+least%22 p. 6]). Attributed to Jefferson by [[Henry David Thoreau]], this statement is cited in his essay on civil disobedience, but the quote has not been found in Jefferson's own writings. It is also commonly attributed to [[Thomas Paine]], perhaps because of its similarity in theme to many of his well-documented expressions such as "Society in every state is a blessing, but government even in its best state is but a necessary evil; in its worst state an intolerable one." ** Variant: "That government is best which governs least"; reported in Paul F. Boller, Jr., and John George, ''They Never Said It: A Book of Fake Quotes, Misquotes, & Misleading Attributions'' (1989), p. 56 * The Christian god can easily be pictured as virtually the same god as the many ancient gods of past civilizations. The Christian god is a three headed monster; cruel, vengeful and capricious. If one wishes to know more of this raging, three headed beast-like god, one only needs to look at the caliber of people who say they serve him. They are always of two classes: fools and hypocrites. ** See the [http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/quotes/jeffphony.htm Positive Atheism] site on the extreme unlikelihood of this quote being authentic. It actually contains some known phrases of Jefferson's, but they are compounded with almost certainly false statements into a highly misrepresentative whole. Jefferson's own opinions on [[Jesus]], [[God]], [[Christianity]] and general opinions about them were far more complex than is indicated in this statement. * The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government. ** According to the Jefferson Library, this is among the many [http://wiki.monticello.org/mediawiki/index.php/Category:Spurious_Quotations statements misattributed to Jefferson.] * Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not. ** According to the Jefferson Library, this is [http://wiki.monticello.org/mediawiki/index.php/Those_who_hammer_their_guns_into_plows misattributed to Jefferson]. <div id="control_the_issue"> * If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by [[deflation]], the banks and the corporations which grow up around them will deprive the people of all property until their children wake up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered. ** ''Respectfully Quoted'' says this is "obviously spurious", noting that the OED's earliest citation for the word "deflation" is from 1920. The earliest known appearance of this quote is from 1935 (Testimony of Charles C. Mayer, ''Hearings Before the Committee on Banking and Currency, House of Representatives, Seventy-fourth Congress, First Session, on H.R. 5357'', p. 799) </div> * I sincerely believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. Already they have raised up a money aristocracy that has set the government at defiance. The issuing power should be taken from the banks and restored to the people to whom it properly belongs. ** The earliest known appearance of this statement is from 1895 (Joshua Douglass, "Bimetallism and Currency", ''American Magazine of Civics'', 7:256). It is apparently a combination of paraphrases or approximate quotations from three separate letters of Jefferson (longer excerpts in sourced section): ** I sincerely believe, with you, that banking institutions are more dangerous than standing armies... *** Letter to John Taylor (1816) ** The bank mania...is raising up a moneyed aristocracy in our country which has already set the government at defiance... *** Letter to Josephus B. Stuart (1817) ** Bank paper must be suppressed, and the circulating medium must be restored to the nation to whom it belongs. *** Letter to John W. Eppes (1813) * I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it. ** Has been attributed to [[Stephen Leacock]]'s "Literary Lapses" (1910), but the quote does not appear in the [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/6340/6340.txt Project Gutenberg edition] of this work. ** Variant: I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have. * A democracy is nothing more than mob rule, where 51 percent of the people may take away the rights of the other 49. ** There are no indications that Jefferson ever stated anything like this; slight variants of this statement seem to have become widely attributed to Jefferson only since its appearance in three books of 2004: ''The Adventures of Jonathan Gullible: A Free Market Odyssey'' (2004) by Ken Schoolland, p. 235; ''Damn-ocracy — Government From Hell!: The Political, Economic And Money System'' (2004) by Wendall Dennis and ''Reason And Reality : A Novel'' (2004) by Mishrilal Jain, p. 232; see also [http://wiki.monticello.org/mediawiki/index.php/Democracy_is_nothing_more_than_mob_rule info at ''Thomas Jefferson Encyclopedia'']. * The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not. ** This quotation first appeared in ''Dreams Come Due: Government and Economics as if Freedom Mattered'' (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1986), p. 312, written under the pseudonym of John Galt. It is there attributed to Jefferson, but is not found anywhere in his works. See the [http://www.monticello.org/site/jefferson/democracy-will-cease-to-exist-quotation ''Thomas Jefferson Encyclopedia'']. * '''If a law is unjust, a man is not only right to disobey it, he is obligated to do so.''' ** Variant: '''When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty.''' ** Variant: '''When tyranny becomes law, rebellion becomes duty.''' ** Not attributed to Jefferson until the 21st century. May be a loose paraphrasing of a passage from [[w:United States Declaration of Independence|Declaration of Independence]] (1776): "But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security." * '''Equal rights for all, special privileges for none.''' ** Not attribution to Jefferson earlier than William Jennings Bryan's Baltimore address of January 20, 1900 ** [http://cdnc.ucr.edu/cgi-bin/cdnc?a=d&d=LAH19000121.2.94 California Digital Newspaper Collection, Los Angeles Herald].; appears in proximity to a reference to Jefferson in the 1878 "Notes of a Voyage to California Via Cape Horn", reprinting a 1850 Sacramento advertisment ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=Cis3Ni8wJkgC&pg=PA280 via Google Books] Samuel Curtis Upham, '''"Notes of a Voyage to California Via Cape Horn: Together with Scenes in El Dorado, in the Year 1849-'50, with an Appendix Containing Reminiscences: Together with the Articles of Association and Roll of Members of "The Associated Pioneers of the Territorial Days of California"'''.. Earliest known variant is from the August 31, 1844 issue of "Niles' National Register", authored by the committee of William C. Bryant, George P. Barker, John W. Edmonds, David Dudley Field, Theodore Sedgwick, Thomas W. Tucker, and Isaac Townsend. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=M1oUAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA438 via Google Books]. * Almighty God, Who has given us this good land for our heritage; We humbly beseech Thee that we may always prove ourselves a people mindful of Thy favor and glad to do Thy will. Bless our land with honorable ministry, sound learning, and pure manners. Save us from violence, discord, and confusion, from pride and arrogance, and from every evil way. Defend our liberties, and fashion into one united people, the multitude brought hither out of many kindreds and tongues. Endow with Thy spirit of wisdom those whom in Thy name we entrust the authority of government, that there may be justice and peace at home, and that through obedience to Thy law, we may show forth Thy praise among the nations of the earth. In time of prosperity fill our hearts with thankfulness, and in the day of trouble, suffer not our trust in Thee to fail; all of which we ask through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. ** This is a misquotation of a prayer from the 1928 ''Book of Common Prayer'' (''ministry'' should be ''industry'' and ''arrogance'' should be ''arrogancy''). This was a revision from an earlier edition. The original form, written by George Lyman Locke, appeared in the 1885 edition. In 1994 William J. Federer attributed it to Jefferson in ''America's God and Country: Encyclopedia of Quotations'', pp. 327-8. See the [http://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/national-prayer-peace ''Thomas Jefferson Encyclopedia'']. * The two enemies of the people are criminals and government, so let us tie the second down with the chains of the Constitution so the second will not become the legalized version of the first. ** Not found in any of Thomas Jefferson's writings. This may be a conflation of Jefferson's "chains of the Constitution" comment with [[Ayn Rand]]'s statement in her essay, ''Man's Rights'': "There are two potential violators of man’s rights: the criminals and the government. The great achievement of the United States was to draw a distinction between these two — by forbidding to the second the legalized version of the activities of the first."[http://www.monticello.org/site/jefferson/two-enemies-people-are-criminals-and-governmentquotation] * The issue today is the same as it has been throughout all history, whether man shall be allowed to govern himself or be ruled by a small elite. ** Not found in Jefferson's writings. [http://www.tcfrank.com/essays/Check_It_Yourself] * If you want something you have never had, you must be willing to do something you have never done. ** Not found in Jefferson's writings, [https://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/if-you-want-something-you-have-never-had-quotation according to the Jefferson Monticello center]. First known appearance in print is from 2004. * The first consideration in immigration is the welfare of the receiving nation. In a new government based on principles unfamiliar to the rest of the world and resting on the sentiments of the people themselves, the influx of a large number of new immigrants unaccustomed to the government of a free society could be detrimental to that society. Immigration, therefore, must be approached carefully and cautiously. ** This misattribution seems to have originated as improper quoting of an actually ''site-created'' preamble to an online page of Jefferson's quotes or paraphrases at the site [https://famguardian.org/index.htm ''Family Guardian''] — self described as a "Nonprofit Christian religious ministry dedicated to protecting people and families from extortion, persecution, exploitation, socialism, divorce, crime, and sin." Among the preambles to their pages, '''these remarks summarizing the site creators' assessments on [https://famguardian.org/subjects/politics/thomasjefferson/jeff1280.htm "Immigration Policy"] for their page of Jefferson's statements regarding the subject''', have occasionally been wrongly copied and distributed in various internet articles and comments ''as if'' they were direct "quotes" of Jefferson, sometimes with spurious citations to specific documents, most commonly the source of the first actual quote citation on that page:<!-- , as of February 2019, --> an 1806 letter to Albert Gallatin. It should also be noted that even the provided "quotes" at this site are not absolutely reliable, as on their [https://famguardian.org/subjects/politics/thomasjefferson/jeffcont.htm index page for quotes of ''Thomas Jefferson on Politics & Government''] they indicate that some of the "quotes" they use are modernized and "generalized" (or in other words: ''paraphrased'') in ways which diverge slightly from literal quotations of the original sources cited. * Widespread poverty and concentrated wealth cannot long endure side by side in a democracy ** Attributed to Jefferson in speeches by FDR[http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/campaign-address/] and JFK,[https://www.jfklibrary.org/archives/other-resources/john-f-kennedy-speeches/pittsburgh-pa-19470603] but actually a quote ''about'' Jefferson by Charles A. Beard in 1936.[https://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/widespread-poverty-and-concentrated-wealth-spurious-quotation] * Tyranny is defined as that which is legal for the government but illegal for the citizenry. ** A wonderful quote, if only it were true, despite no shortage image-quote-memes online. ** "Spurious" here: https://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/tyranny-defined-which-legal-government-spurious-quotation ** "Not True" here: https://www.truthorfiction.com/thomas-jefferson-tyranny-is-defined-as-that-which-is-legal-for-the-government-quote/ {{Misattributed end}} == Quotes about Jefferson == [[File:MtRushmore Tom close.jpg|thumb| Your [[character]] in [[history]] may easily be foreseen. Your administration will be quoted by [[philosophers]] as a model of profound [[wisdom]]; by [[politicians]], as weak, superficial, and shortsighted. ~ [[John Adams]] ]] [[File:Martha Jefferson.jpg|thumb|[[w:Sally Hemings|Sally Hemings]] was his [[servant]], and had little [[power]]. She was dependent [[economically]], though this does not mean her [[feelings]] were [[irrelevant]]. But it does mean that he had extraordinary power, and she very little, and so, as his concubine, she had probably replicated her [[mother]]'s relationship with Jefferson's father-in-law; for she was, in fact, Jefferson's late [[wife]]'s half-[[sister]], and I have described the Hemings family as a parallel, subordinate family to the all-white Jeffersons. ~ Andrew Burstein]] [[File:Thomas Hovenden - The Last Moments of John Brown - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|The natural equal rights of men. If Washington or Jefferson or Madison should utter upon his native soil today the opinions he entertained and expressed upon [[Slavery|this question]], he would be denounced as a fanatical abolitionist. To declare the right of all men to liberty is sectional, because slavery is afraid of liberty and strikes the mouth that speaks the word. ~ [[George William Curtis]]]] [[File:Frederick_Douglass_at_National_Portrait_Gallery_IMG_4542.JPG|thumb|[[w:Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]] was not ashamed to call the black man his brother and to address him as a gentleman. ~ [[Frederick Douglass]]]] : <small>Sorted alphabetically by author or source</small> * How development of nations keeps the reality a little behind the wish and the will. That is, the people live under a rule made by others. Each generation is governed, necessarily, by a former generation. Jefferson's great idea: Let it be governed by its own ideas. ** [[John Dalberg-Acton, 1st Baron Acton|Lord Acton]], private notes, quoted in G. E. Fasnacht, ''Acton's Political Philosophy: An Analysis'' (1952), p. 197 * Almost every other American statesman might be described in a parenthesis. A few broad strokes of the brush would paint the portraits of all the early Presidents with this exception, and a few more strokes would answer for any member of their many cabinets; but Jefferson could be painted only touch by touch, with a fine pencil, and the perfection of the likeness depended upon the shifting and uncertain flicker of its semi-transparent shadows. ** [[Henry Adams]], ''History of the United States of America During the First Administration of Thomas Jefferson'' (1891), p. 277 * '''Your [[character]] in [[history]] may easily be foreseen. Your administration will be quoted by [[philosophers]] as a model of profound [[wisdom]]; by [[politicians]], as weak, superficial, and shortsighted. Mine, like Pope's woman, will have no character at all.''' ** [[John Adams]], in a letter to Jefferson (July 1813), published in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1903) Vol. 13, edited by Andrew Adgate Lipscomb and Albert Ellery Bergh, p. 301 * Jefferson surely knew [[slavery]] was wrong, but he didn't have the courage to lead the way to emancipation. If you hate slavery and the terrible things it did to human beings, it is difficult to regard Jefferson as a great man, or a good man. He was a spendthrift, always deeply in debt. He never freed his slaves... He could not rise above convenience. To be a slave-holder meant one had to regard the African American as inferior in every way. One had to believe that the worst white man was better than the best black man. If you did not believe these things you could justify yourself to yourself. So Jefferson could condemn slavery in words, but not in deeds. Jefferson had slaves at his magnificent estate, Monticello, who were superb artisans, shoemakers, masons, carpenters, cooks. But like every bigot, he never said, after seeing a skilled African craftsman at work or enjoying the fruits of his labor, 'Maybe I'm wrong'. He already knew that. He ignored the words of his fellow revolutionary John Adams, who said that the revolution would never be complete until the slaves were free. ** [[w:Stephen E. Ambrose|Stephen E. Ambrose]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=n2J675woMLwC ''To America: Personal Reflections of an Historian''], pp. 2&ndash;5 * The thoroughness with which Jefferson exorcised the influence of his opponents still astounds. He removed a whole cohort of young Federalists from civil and military offices; he eliminated domestic taxes; he substantially reduced the national debt; he shrank the size of the bureaucracy despite the growth in population and territory; he hastened the conveyance of national land to ordinary farmers; and he replaced Federalist formality with a nonchalance in matters of etiquette that quite amazed foreign dignitaries. ** [[w:Joyce Appleby|Joyce Appleby]], 'Introduction: Jefferson and His Complex Legacy', in Peter S. Onuf (ed.), ''Jeffersonian Legacies'' (1993), pp. 11-12 * Jefferson's profound antagonism to the debasing effects of tyranny inspired his greatest lines of prose. He carried to his death his hostility to authoritarian doctrines, precedents, and officials. But Jefferson was more than a catalyst for the liberal opinions rife in the society, he was the live wire that made the connection between Enlightenment philosophy and American public policy... Successful in perpetuating his pristine republican style of government for a quarter of a century, Jefferson laid the intellectual foundation for limited government and the intellectual undergirding for Americans' suspicion of governmental power, even that exercised by the people. ** [[w:Joyce Appleby|Joyce Appleby]], 'Introduction: Jefferson and His Complex Legacy', in Peter S. Onuf (ed.), ''Jeffersonian Legacies'' (1993), pp. 13-14 * ''[On Jefferson's relationships with [[w:Sally Hemings|Sally Hemings]] and the likelihood of his DNA providing evidence of their living descendants.]'' I would not characterize it as an affair, or suggest that the relationship can be understood in modern terms. On Jefferson's [[isolated]] [[mountaintop]], [[sex]] took place as part of a [[hierarchy]] that everyone involved [[understood]]. Jefferson, and those of his [[class]], did not share our current understanding of sexual [[morality]]. Sally Hemings was his [[servant]], and had little [[power]]. She was dependent [[economically]], though this does not mean her [[feelings]] were [[irrelevant]]. But it does mean that he had extraordinary power, and she very little, and so, as his concubine, she had probably replicated her [[mother]]'s relationship with Jefferson's father-in-law; for she was, in fact, Jefferson's late [[wife]]'s half-[[sister]], and I have described the Hemings family as a parallel, subordinate family to the all-white Jeffersons. ... Technically, there were other Jeffersons with matching DNA characteristics, but the white Jefferson descendents who established the family denial in the mid-nineteenth century cast responsibility for paternity on two Jefferson nephews (children of Jefferson’s sister) whose DNA was not a match. So, as far as can be reconstructed, there are no Jeffersons other than the president who had the degree of physical access to Sally Hemings that he did. ** [[w:Andrew Burstein|Andrew Burstein]], as quoted in [https://historynewsnetwork.org/article/13102 "The Unknown Jefferson: An Interview with Andrew Burstein" by Richard Shenkman, at ''History News Network'' (25 July 2005)]<!-- accessed 14 March 2011 + 2020·04·12 --> * I don't know that Jefferson could have survived as a farmer then in that society without having an ability to work his farm with...slavery. It seems abominable to us looking back, but was a way of life then. And I think the saving grace of Jefferson's philosophy is that the things for which he stood and which he expressed so vividly and so clearly and emotionally, were what later permitted our country to escape from slavery itself. ** [[Jimmy Carter]] in the Thomas Jefferson Memorial Foundation documentary, ''Thomas Jefferson: Pursuit of Liberty'' (1991), quoted in 'How Presidents See the Presidency', ''Humanities'', Volume 14, Number 1 (January/February 1993), p. 12 * All the Founding Fathers hated [[Democracy]] — Thomas Jefferson was a partial exception, but only partial. ** [[Noam Chomsky]], '''Understanding Power: The Indispensable Chomsky'' (2002) edited by Peter R. Mitchell and John Schoeffel * He honored religious teachers who did not use mystifications to gain illegitimate power, eventually believing [[Jesus]] the greatest of these. He appreciated the role of religious institutions. But he was very leery of any priesthood and had almost no involvement with any organized religious sect, possibly because he found the options available to him so uninviting... Jefferson never doubted such a creative and providential god, even when he tried without success to understand the views of authentic atheists. This cosmology remained the foundation of his private religious beliefs and a support both for objective knowledge and moral confidence. He was so certain of his beliefs in such a creative god, in a planned and ordered universe, and in a divinely implanted moral sense in each person, that he assumed, quite incorrectly as we know, that such beliefs were universal, at the heart of all religions. When anyone challenged such beliefs, he easily and routinely referred to the evidence of design in nature and in the human mind. Such evidence made belief in a creative and purposeful god unchallengeable, self-evident. ** Paul K. Conkin, 'The Religious Pilgrimage of Thomas Jefferson', in Peter S. Onuf (ed.), ''Jeffersonian Legacies'' (1993), p. 20 * Jefferson, apparently very early in life, found most of this distinctive [[Christianity|Christian]] superstructure unbelievable, save for the assurance of life after death. In the middle years of his life he affirmed the Semitic cosmology without the Christian superstructure, although not without some sense of loneliness in a society so assertively Christian. He was persuaded, in part by the strictures of orthodox critics, that his form of religious rationalism did not qualify as Christian, and thus he did not so profess. In times of stress and anxiety he sought inspiration and consolation not in Christian sources but in [[w:Stoicism|Stoic]] and [[w:Epicureanism|Epicurean]] moral philosophers. Then, in a period stretching from the early 1790s until the time he became president, he discovered a minimalist, [[w:Unitarianism|unitarian]] version of Christianity, most of whose tenets he could affirm. He remained a reasonably consistent advocate of such a unitarianism until he died. ** Paul K. Conkin, 'The Religious Pilgrimage of Thomas Jefferson', in Peter S. Onuf (ed.), ''Jeffersonian Legacies'' (1993), p. 21 * Never did a man achieve more fame for what he did not do. ** Virginia abolitionist [[w:Moncure D. Conway|Moncure Conway]] on Jefferson's reputation as the would be emancipator as quoted in ''[http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-dark-side-of-thomas-jefferson-35976004/ The Dark Side of Thomas Jefferson]'', by Henry Wiencek, ''Smithsonian Magazine'', (October 2012) * To the twentieth-century mind Jefferson's views on race stand in contrast to the liberal stance that he took on most of the major issues of the day; yet his repeated condemnation of the instutition of slavery and his insistent arguments that steps must be taken to bring it to an end placed him in advance of most, but far from all, eighteenth-century persons. ** Noble Cunningham, as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=vslA7TGpgdwC&pg=PA27&dq=%22this+abomination+must+have+an+end+and%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiIjMz40f7JAhXERyYKHZYnApUQ6AEIIjAB#v=onepage&q=%22this%20abomination%20must%20have%20an%20end%20and%22&f=false ''Where Did the Party Go?''], by Jeff Taylor, p. 29 * '''There was not in all the colonial legislation of America one single law which recognized the rightfulness of slavery in the abstract; that in 1774 Virginia stigmatized the slave-trade as 'wicked, cruel, and unnatural'; that in the same year Congress protested against it 'under the sacred ties of virtue, honor, and love of country';''' that in 1775 the same Congress denied that God intended one man to own another as a slave; that the new Discipline of the Methodist Church, in 1784, and the Pastoral Letter of the Presbyterian Church, in 1788, denounced slavery; that abolition societies existed in slave States, and that it was hardly the interest even of the cotton-growing States, where it took a slave a day to clean a pound of cotton, to uphold the system... Jefferson, in his address to the Virginia Legislature of 1774, says that 'the abolition of domestic slavery is the greatest object of desire in these colonies, where it was unhappily introduced in their infant state'; and while he constantly remembers to remind us that the Jeffersonian prohibition of slavery in the territories was lost in 1784, he forgets to add that it was lost, not by a majority of votes — for there were sixteen in its favor to seven against it — but because the sixteen votes did not represent two thirds of the States; and he also incessantly forgets to tell us that this Jeffersonian prohibition was restored by the Congress of 1785, and erected into the famous Northwest Ordinance of 1787, which was re-enacted by the first Congress of the United States and approved by the first President. ** [[George William Curtis]], [https://archive.org/details/orationsandaddr03curtgoog "The Present Aspect of the Slavery Question"] (18 October 1859), New York City * The natural equal rights of men. If Washington or Jefferson or Madison should utter upon his native soil today the opinions he entertained and expressed upon this question, he would be denounced as a fanatical abolitionist. To declare the right of all men to liberty is sectional, because slavery is afraid of liberty and strikes the mouth that speaks the word. To preach slavery is not sectional — no: because freedom respects itself and believes in itself enough to give an enemy fair play. Thus Boston asked Senator Toombs to come and say what he could for slavery. I think Boston did a good thing, but I think Senator Toombs is not a wise man, for he went. He went all the way from Georgia to show Massachusetts how slavery looks, and to let it learn what it has to say. When will Georgia ask Wendell Phillips or Charles Sumner to come down and show her how liberty looks and speaks? ** [[George William Curtis]], [https://archive.org/details/orationsandaddr03curtgoog "The Present Aspect of the Slavery Question"] (18 October 1859), New York City * With the sure sagacity of a leader of men, Washington at once selected, for the highest and most responsible stations, the three chief Americans who represented the three forces in the nation which alone could command success in the institution of the government. [[Alexander Hamilton|Hamilton]] was the head, [[w:Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]] was the heart, and [[John Jay]] was the conscience. Washington's just and serene ascendancy was the lambent flame in which these beneficent powers were fused, and nothing less than that ascendancy could have ridden the whirlwind and directed the storm that burst around him. ** [[George William Curtis]], as quoted in ''Manual Of Patriotism : For Use in the Public Schools of the State of New York'' (1900), by Charles Rufus SkinnerTake, p. 261 * One cannot question the genuineness of Jefferson’s liberal dreams. He was one of the first statesmen in any part of the world to advocate concrete measures for restricting and eradicating Negro slavery. ** Historian [[David Brion Davis]], as quoted in ''[http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-dark-side-of-thomas-jefferson-35976004/ The Dark Side of Thomas Jefferson]'', by Henry Wiencek, ''Smithsonian Magazine'', (October 2012) * "Mr. Jefferson displays a mild, easy and obliging temper," commented the duc de La Rochefoucald-Liancourt, "though he is somewhat cold and reserved. His conversation is the most agreeable kind." Jefferson was open and approachable, yet he maintained an impregnable core of inner feeling that has frustrated his biographers. He had an insatiable curiosity about all aspects of life. His fondness for structure and order can be seen in the meticulous records he maintained on plant life and weather conditions at Monticello. Despite his many years in politics, he never acquired two attributes usually considered essential to success in that profession: a thick skin and a gift for oratory. He was acutely sensitive to public criticism and, although captivating in small groups, delivered notoriously unmoving speeches before large crowds. He tended to mumble softly out of earshot of much of his audience. ** William A. DeGregorio, ''The Complete Book of U.S. Presidents'' (1984), p. 37-38 * You profess to [[believe]] "that, of one blood, [[God]] made all nations of men to dwell on the face of all the [[earth]]," and hath commanded all men, everywhere to [[love]] one another; yet you notoriously [[hate]], (and [[glory]] in your hatred), all men whose skins are not colored like your own. You declare, before the world, and are understood by the world to declare, that you "hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal; and are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights; and that, among these are, life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness;" and yet, '''you hold securely, in a bondage which, according to your own [[Thomas Jefferson]], "is worse than ages of that which your fathers rose in rebellion to oppose," a seventh part of the inhabitants of your country.''' ** [[Frederick Douglass]], ''What to the Slave is the Fourth of July?'' (1852) * [[w:Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]] was not ashamed to call the black man his brother and to address him as a gentleman. ** [[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/self-made-men/ "Self-Made Men"] (1872) * The story of black Sal is no farce—That he cohabits with her and has a number of children by her is a sacred truth—and the worst of it is he keeps the same children slaves—an unnatural crime which is very common in these parts. ** [[w:Elijah Fletcher|Elijah Fletcher]], Ed. Thos. Jefferson Loony; et al. (2006). "Elijah Flecther's Account of a Visit to Monticello" May 8, 1811. Thos. Jefferson Papers, Retirement Series, Vol. 3: Princeton. p. 610 * Jefferson's invention of the ''[[w:Jefferson disk|Wheel Cypher]]'' represents a contribution to [[w:Cryptography|cryptographic]] science so far in advance of his time that at least a century had to elapse before a similar invention was independently made by a second inventor in the field. ** [[w:William F. Friedman|William F. Friedman]] to the editors of ''The Papers of Thomas Jefferson'' (November 17, 1949), quoted in ''The Papers of Thomas Jefferson, Volume 1: 1760–1776'', eds. Julian P. Boyd, Lyman H. Butterfield and Mina R. Bryan (1950), p. viii, n. 3 * His anti-slavery sentiments, so forcibly given in his Notes on Virginia, will be quoted with impressive effect as long as slavery exists in our land. It is true, he was a slaveholder; and hence his theory was better than his practice. It is apparent, moreover, that he had clearer views of the impolicy of the slave-system, than of its guilt. But he never dishonored his judgement, or perverted his good sense, by attempting to prove the lawfulness of holding the colored race in bondage. ** [[William Lloyd Garrison]], ‘Jefferson on Slavery’, ''The Genius of Universal Emancipation, A Monthly Periodical Work, Containing Original Essays, Documents, and Facts, Relative to the Subject of African Slavery: Volume II. Third Series—Commencing May, 1831'' (1831–1832), pp. 202–203 * Jefferson, moved by anger and scorn against the planter class for its fellowship and partnership in the tyranny of the Crown, threw off its allurements, so congenial to his tastes and habits, and allied himself absolutely, unreservedly, actively, permanently with the wronged masses. In the struggle in that agricultural community between the "planters," or large landowners, and the "settlers," or small landowners, Jefferson's heart was always with the latter. ** [[Henry George]], 'Jefferson and the Land Question' (May 1, 1904), quoted in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson: Vol. XVI'' (1907), p. iv * Jefferson saw in the widespread ownership of land, in families made self-sufficient and independent by their farming, the best defence that could be erected against the arrogation of additional powers by the State, or by any who might wish to construct an economic or political oligarchy. Men, he frequently said, had not sought freedom in order to acquire property, but, rather, had acquired property in order to ensure freedom... Jefferson's analysis of democracy is one that still possesses a certain relevance. In so far as he believed that even the democratic State could become an elective tyranny, he spoke prophetically. In so far as he believed that property provided the best defence against that tyranny, he reminds us all of the importance of property, and of the dangers to democracy that result from its abolition. ** Daniel Green, ''To Colonize Eden: Land and Jeffersonian Democracy'' (1977), pp. 31-32 * Then there's the odd, of course, fact that he had a very long love affair with a woman who he owned, who he inherited from his father-in-law, who was his wife's half-sister, and produced several children by her, whose descendants have mainly been brought up on the white side of the color line. So in a strange way, his own patrimony disproves his own belief that there couldn't be coexistence between black and white Americans. ** [[Christopher Hitchens]], "Living in Thomas Jefferson's Fictions", ''NPR'', 1 June 2005, accessed 7 May 2012 * Consider this simple syllogism: Slavery is bad; Thomas Jefferson owned slaves; so, Thomas Jefferson was bad. Consider this simplistic precept: Racism is bad. Both are anything but profound and certainly not illuminating, but they typify, with due consideration for hyperbole, the quality and blinkered approach to Jeffersonian scholarship in the past several decades. The focal issue has been Jefferson’s racism, and the issue within the issue has been his assumed relationship with Sally Hemings. Jeffersonian scholarship has become an exercise in battology — a useless, fatuous repetition of the same claims but with a slightly different twist. "Jefferson was a racist but he really loved Sally Hemings" versus "Jefferson was a racist and he raped Sally Hemings," and so on. Those twists are what merit publication. The collision of radically different, but historically reasonable, ideas, needed for advances in historical scholarship, has become anathema. ... The situation at [[w:Monticello|Monticello]] is toxic. They are unwilling to aim to settle the issues of Jefferson’s paternity and of his avowed racism by [[rational]] [[debate]] concerning the [[evidence]], or even concerning what ought to count as evidence. Members of TJF — and many of them are, I suspect, sufficiently unfamiliar with Jefferson to be [[judges]] of the issue of paternity — have elected themselves to be the sole arbiters of Thomas Jefferson’s legacy, which is no longer open to debate. ... TJF’s depiction of Jefferson, jaded as it is, has won the day. It is now no longer necessary to recognize others who disagree with TJF, to read their arguments, to assess critically those arguments, and to engage in debate with them. ... While it is laudable that members of the TJF [[wish]] to be viewed historically as paladins of [[human rights]], they are doing so by constructing an image of Jefferson that is warped by [[political]] [[ideals]]. Their Jefferson is an opportunist, [[hypocrite]], [[racist]], and perhaps even rapist, and they do not give voice to scholars who disagree. The climate is authoritarian — certainly not in keeping with Jefferson’s republican thinking. ** M. Andrew Holowchak, in [https://historynewsnetwork.org/article/170713 "Is Monticello Monetizing Race at Jefferson's Expense?", ''History News Network'' (15 December 2018)]<!-- Retrieved 16 December 2018 + 2020·04·12 --> * "True," replied M. de —, "'''he considers a free press as the paladium of [[liberty]].''' I went today an hour before his time of dining, and was received in his cabinet while he was finishing a letter; I took up one of your public journals which lay upon his table, and was astonished and shocked to find its columns filled with the lowest abuse, and vilest of calumnies of the President. I threw it down with indignation, exclaiming, why do you not have the fellow hung who dares to write these abominable lies! He smiled at my warmth, and replied, 'hang the guardian of public morals? no, sir; rather would I protect the spirit of freedom which dictates even that abuse. Put that paper into your pocket, my good friend, and when you hear any one doubt the reality of American liberty, show them that paper, and tell them where you found it; you cannot have a better proof of its existence. '''Sir, the country where public men are amenable to public opinion; where not only their official measures, but their private morals, are open to the scrutiny and animadversion of every citizen, is more secure from despotism and corruption, than it could be rendered by the wisest code of laws, or best formed constitution.''' Party spirit may sometimes blacken, and its erroneous opinions may sometimes injure; but, in general, it will prove the best guardian of a pure and wise administration; it will detect and expose vice and corruption, check the encroachments of power, and resist oppression; sir, it is an abler protector of the people's rights, than ''arms'' or ''laws''.' <br> 'But is it not shocking that virtuous characters should be defamed?'<br> ''''Let their actions refute such libels. Believe me, virtue is not long darkened by the clouds of calumny. In its course, it will shine forth like the sun at noon-day, and with its brightness disperse the fogs and vapours which obscured its rising light. When a man assumes a public trust, he should consider himself as public property, and justly liable to the inspection and vigilance of public opinion; and the more sensibly he is made to feel his dependence, the less danger will there be of his abuse of power — ''The abuse of power'', that rock on which good governments, and the people's rights, have been so often wrecked.'''' <br> 'Such doctrines would never be recognised in the old world,' I observed. <br> 'Our example,' he replied, 'may enforce these doctrines, which your philosophers have so long preached in vain; '''example, you know, far outweighs precept.''''" ** An unnamed European visitor, in dialogue with Jefferson, as quoted in ''A Winter in Washington : or, Memoirs of the Seymour Family'' (1824) by [[w:Margaret Bayard Smith|Margaret Bayard Smith]], Vol. 2, p. 37; a few years later ''Sketches of the Life, Writings, and Opinions of Thomas Jefferson'' (1832)<!-- p. 474 --> by B. L. Rayner presents a slightly different rendition of this dialogue, and identifies the visitor as Baron [[Alexander von Humboldt]], who visited Washington in June 1804: :: The celebrated traveller, Baron Humboldt, calling on the President one day, was received into his cabinet. On taking up one of the public journals which lay upon the table, he was shocked to find its columns teeming with the most wanton abuse and licentious calumnies of the President. He threw it down with indignation, exclaiming, "Why do you not have the fellow hung who dares to write these abominable lies?" The President smiled at the warmth of the Baron, and replied — "What! hang the guardians of the public morals? No sir, — rather would I protect the spirit of freedom which dictates even that degree of abuse. Put that paper into your pocket, my good friend, carry it with you to Europe, and when you hear any one doubt the reality of American freedom, show them that paper, and tell them where you found it' "But is it not shocking that virtuous characters should be defamed?" replied the Baron. "'''Let their actions refute such libels.''' Believe me," continued the President, "'''virtue is not long darkened by the clouds of calumny; and the temporary pain which it causes is infinitely overweighed by the safety it insures against degeneracy in the principles and conduct of public functionaries. When a man assumes a public trust, he should consider himself as public property.'''" * I have long believed, that it was only by preserving the identity of the Republican party as embodied and characterized by the principles introduced by Mr. Jefferson that the original rights of the states and the people could be maintained as contemplated by the Constitution. ** [[Andrew Jackson]] to Joseph Guild (April 24, 1835), quoted in ''Correspondence of Andrew Jackson: Volume 5'' (1931), p. 339 * Jefferson hosted the United States' first iftar at the White House. It was an unintentional event, one that occurred as a result of Jefferson's scheduled meeting with an invited envoy from the Tunisian government. It was the end of the first Barbary War, and Jefferson was anxious to establish better diplomatic relations with the North African states while ensuring the security of American interests in the Mediterranean. Upon being informed of the envoy's fasting to observe the Islamic month of Ramadan, Jefferson had the mealtime at the White House changed from 3:30 in the afternoon to "precisely at sunset" in an effort to accommodate his guest. This gesture on behalf of the president was not simply a diplomatic one, but one that demonstrated Jefferson's familiarity and comfort with Islam, a faith that interested him since his time as a student at the College of William & Mary. Indeed, Jefferson's interest in the Qur'an and his own study of Arabic led to his active promotion and eventual creation of an Oriental Languages department at his alma mater. As a scholar and a diplomat, Jefferson was keenly aware and interested in the world outside of America and the importance of cultural and intellectual capital to the success of the United States. ** Alexandra Méav Jerome, [http://www.oxfordislamicstudies.com/Public/focus/essay1009_jefferson.html ''The Jefferson Qur'an''] * '''I think this is the most [[extraordinary]] collection of [[talent]], of [[human]] [[knowledge]], that has ever been gathered together at the White House, with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined [[alone]].''' ** [[John F. Kennedy]], in an address at a White House dinner honoring Nobel Prize winners (29 April 1962), quoted in [http://www.jfklibrary.org/white%20house%20diary/1962/April/29 The White House Diary, at the JFK Library] * Directly or indirectly American [[w:Classical architecture|classicism]] traces its ancestry to Jefferson, who may truly be called the father of our national architecture. ** [[w:Fiske Kimball|Fiske Kimball]], ''Thomas Jefferson, Architect, Original Designs in the Collection of Thomas Jefferson Coolidge, Junior'' (1916), p. 89 * If we look at our history with honesty and clarity we will be forced to admit that our Federal form of government has been, from the day of its birth, weakened in its integrity, confused and confounded in its direction, by the unresolved race question. We seldom take note or give adequate significance to the fact that Thomas Jefferson’s text of the Declaration of Independence was revised by the Continental Congress to eliminate a justifiable attack on King George for encouraging slave trade...Jefferson knew that such compromises with principle struck at the heart of the nation’s security and integrity. ** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [http://www.nps.gov/anti/learn/historyculture/mlk-ep.htm New York Civil War Centennial Commission’s Emancipation Proclamation Observance] (12 September 1962) * Among the many legacies left by Thomas Jefferson, democracy may be the most lasting. Author of the Declaration of Independence, champion of the Bill of Rights, and a founder of the Democratic-Republican party, Jefferson has passed on to the American people his abiding faith in the ability of citizens to govern themselves. Of the assumptions that make American politics possible, none is more fundamental. Yet it must be said that the legacy left by this high-minded and idealistic philosopher, who was also a hard-headed and pragmatic politician—this egalitarian owner of slaves—is by no means simple. At the very least, as Charles Wiltse suggested almost half a century ago, Jefferson has left Americans with a divided conception of democracy. On the one hand, in advocating equality and popular sovereignty, he paved the way for a tradition of social democracy that extends from [[w:Albert Gallatin|Albert Gallatin]] to [[Andrew Jackson]] to [[Franklin D. Roosevelt|FDR]] and the progressive reformers of the twentieth century. On the other hand, as a believer in liberty and limited government, he can be seen as the source of a tradition of democratic individualism that runs from [[w:John Taylor of Caroline|John Taylor]] to [[John C. Calhoun]] to contemporary conservatives who champion personal rights and advocate restrictions on the role of the state. "This double emphasis in Jefferson's thought," concludes Wiltse, "has left American democracy a dual tradition." ** Michael Lienesch, 'Thomas Jefferson and the American Democratic Experience: The Origins of the Partisan Press, Popular Political Parties, and Public Opinion', in Peter S. Onuf (ed.), ''Jeffersonian Legacies'' (1993), p. 316 * '''All honor to Jefferson to the man, who''', in the concrete pressure of a struggle for national independence by a single people, '''had the coolness, forecast, and capacity to introduce into a mere revolutionary an abstract truth, applicable to all men and all time, and so to embalm it there to-day and in all coming days it shall be a rebuke and a stumbling block to the very harbingers of reappearing tyranny and oppression.''' ** [[Abraham Lincoln]], ''Letter to H.L. Pierce and others (Springfield, Illinois, April 6, 1859)'', published in ''[http://books.google.de/books?id=wCozjDf2C9QC&pg=PT676&lpg=PT676&dq=The+Democracy+of+to-day+hold+the+liberty+of+one+man+to+be+absolutely+nothing,+when+in+conflict+with+another+man%27s+right+of+property.+Republicans,+on+the+contrary,+are+both+for+the+man+and+the+dollar,+but,+in+case+of+conflict,+the+man+before+the+dollar.&source=bl&ots=IUIDU4YgQu&sig=GtkSSXezzBblIhuCZMG5oveTWN0&hl=de&sa=X&ei=lZkHU6fSG8HUtAaOmYHQDw&ved=0CDcQ6AEwAg#v=onepage&q=The%20Democracy%20of%20to-day%20hold%20the%20liberty%20of%20one%20man%20to%20be%20absolutely%20nothing%2C%20when%20in%20conflict%20with%20another%20man's%20right%20of%20property.%20Republicans%2C%20on%20the%20contrary%2C%20are%20both%20for%20the%20man%20and%20the%20dollar%2C%20but%2C%20in%20case%20of%20conflict%2C%20the%20man%20before%20the%20dollar.&f=false Essential American History: Abraham Lincoln - The Complete Papers and Writings, Biographically Annotated, The Papers and Writings of Abraham Lincoln]'' © 2012, Jazzybee Verlag Jürgen Beck, 86450 Münster, Germany, ISBN: 97838496200103 * '''The principles of [[Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]] are the definitions and axioms of free society. And yet they are denied and evaded, with no small show of success. One dashingly calls them ”glittering generalities.” Another bluntly calls them “self-evident lies.” And others insidiously argue that they apply to “superior races.” '''These expressions, different in form, are identical in object and effect – the supplanting the principles of free government, and restoring those of classification, caste and legitimacy. They would delight a convocation of crowned heads plotting against the people. They are the vanguard, the miner and sappers, of returning despotism. We must repulse them, or they will subjugate us.''' ** [[Abraham Lincoln]], ''Letter to H.L. Pierce and others (Springfield, Illinois, April 6, 1859)'', published in ''[http://books.google.de/books?id=wCozjDf2C9QC&pg=PT676&lpg=PT676&dq=The+Democracy+of+to-day+hold+the+liberty+of+one+man+to+be+absolutely+nothing,+when+in+conflict+with+another+man%27s+right+of+property.+Republicans,+on+the+contrary,+are+both+for+the+man+and+the+dollar,+but,+in+case+of+conflict,+the+man+before+the+dollar.&source=bl&ots=IUIDU4YgQu&sig=GtkSSXezzBblIhuCZMG5oveTWN0&hl=de&sa=X&ei=lZkHU6fSG8HUtAaOmYHQDw&ved=0CDcQ6AEwAg#v=onepage&q=The%20Democracy%20of%20to-day%20hold%20the%20liberty%20of%20one%20man%20to%20be%20absolutely%20nothing%2C%20when%20in%20conflict%20with%20another%20man's%20right%20of%20property.%20Republicans%2C%20on%20the%20contrary%2C%20are%20both%20for%20the%20man%20and%20the%20dollar%2C%20but%2C%20in%20case%20of%20conflict%2C%20the%20man%20before%20the%20dollar.&f=false Essential American History: Abraham Lincoln - The Complete Papers and Writings, Biographically Annotated, The Papers and Writings of Abraham Lincoln]'', 2012, Jazzybee Verlag Jürgen Beck, 86450 Münster, Germany, ISBN: 97838496200103 * Jefferson was exalted as the patron saint of all good things. The range of causes for which his name was invoked is staggering: democracy and partisanship, states' rights and nationalism, slavery and abolitionism, egalitarianism and racism, imperialism and isolationism, populism and laissez-faire capitalism, the planned and the decentralized society. In the nineteenth century, so long as rural values continued to prevail in America despite the relentless march of industrialization, Jefferson continued to be identified with the agrarian tradition; in the twentieth, when the center of American life and values became the city, his connection with that ideal was all but forgotten, and instead he came to be regarded as the champion of the "have-nots" against the "haves," of the "common man" (or the "forgotten man" or the "little fellow") against aristocrats and plutocrats... The real Jefferson...was lost in the shuffle. So, too, was the America he wanted his country to become; and in a nation of crime-ridden cities and poisoned air, of credit cards and gigantic corporations, of welfare rolls and massive bureaucracies, corruption and alienation, that loss is the more poignant. He and his followers set out to deflect the course of History, and History ended up devouring them and turning even their memory to its own purposes. History has a way of doing that. ** [[w:Forrest McDonald|Forrest McDonald]], ''The Presidency of Thomas Jefferson'' (1976), pp. 168-169 * It may, on the whole, be truly said of him, that he was greatly eminent for the comprehensiveness and fertility of his genius, for the vast extent and rich variety of his acquirements, and particularly distinguished by the philosophic impress left on every subject which he touched. Nor was he less distinguished for an early and uniform devotion to the cause of liberty, and systematic preference of a form of Government squared in the strictest degree to the rights of man. In the social and domestic spheres, he was a model of the virtues and manners which most adorn them. ** [[James Madison]] to J. K. Paulding (April 1, 1831), quoted in ''Letters and Other Writings of James Madison, Fourth President of the United States: Vol. IV, 1829–1836'' (1865), p. 175 * Who was it wrote that – “all men created equal”? It was Jefferson. Jefferson had more slaves than anybody else. ** [[Malcolm X]], '[https://www.marxists.org/reference/archive/malcolm-x/1965/01/afro-amer.html Afro-American History]' (January 24, 1964), ''International Socialist Review'', Vol. 28 No. 2, (March-April 1967), pp. 3-48 * Jefferson was kind to his servants to the point of indulgence, and within the framework of an institution he disliked he saw that they were well provided for. His ‘people’ were devoted to him. ** [[w:Dumas Malone|Dumas Malone]] as quoted in ''[http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-dark-side-of-thomas-jefferson-35976004/ The Dark Side of Thomas Jefferson]'', by Henry Wiencek, ''Smithsonian Magazine'', (October 2012) * The two major achievements of Jefferson's presidency were the [[w:Louisiana Purchase|Louisiana Purchase]] and the [[w:Act Prohibiting Importation of Slaves|abolition of the slave trade]]. ** [[w:John Chester Miller|John Chester Miller]], ''The Wolf by the Ears: Thomas Jefferson and Slavery'' (1977; 1994), p. 142 * When Mr. Jefferson wrote that one of his associates in [[George Washington|Washington]]'s cabinet was "a fool and a blabber," his words, taken in their context, make exactly the same impression of calm, disinterested and objective appraisal as if he had remarked that the man had black hair and brown eyes. ** [[Albert Jay Nock]], in [http://alumnus.caltech.edu/~ckank/FultonsLair/013/nock/free_speech.html "Free Speech and Plain Language" in ''The Atlantic Monthly'' (January 1936)] * I believe that in the next century, as blacks and Hispanics and Asians acquire increasing influence in American society, the Jeffersonian liberal tradition, which is already intellectually untenable, will become socially and politically untenable as well. I also believe that the [[w:American civil religion|American civil religion]], official version...will have to be reformed in a manner that will downgrade and eventually exclude Thomas Jefferson. Finally, I believe that Jefferson will, nonetheless, continue to be a power in America in the area where the mystical side of Jefferson really belongs: among the radical, violent anti-Federal libertarian fanatics: the very same paranoid conspirators against whose grasp [[Bill Clinton|President Clinton]] is rightly resolved to defend “our sacred symbols.” ** [[Conor Cruise O'Brien]], ''The Long Affair: Thomas Jefferson and the French Revolution, 1785–1800'' (1996; 1998), p. 318 * If Jefferson was wrong, America is wrong. If America is right, Jefferson was right. ** [[w:James Parton|James Parton]], ''Life of Thomas Jefferson: Third President of the United States'' (1874), p. iii * More than 20 years after [[w:CBS|CBS]] executives were pressured by Jefferson [[historians]] to drop plans for a mini-series on Jefferson and Hemings, the network airs ''Sally Hemings: An American Scandal''. Though many quarreled with the portrayal of Hemings as unrealistically [[modern]] and [[heroic]], no major historian [[challenged]] the series' premise that Hemings and Jefferson had a 38-year relationship that produced [[children]]. ** "The History of a Secret". ''Jefferson's Blood''. PBS Frontline. May 2000. * Mr. Js Mechanics and his entire household of servants...consisted of one family connection and their wives. ** Jeff Randolph (his grandson) as quoted in ''[http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-dark-side-of-thomas-jefferson-35976004/ The Dark Side of Thomas Jefferson]'', by Henry Wiencek, ''Smithsonian Magazine'', (October 2012) * [S]he [[w:Sally Hemings|Hemings]] had [[children]] which resembled Mr. Jefferson so closely that it was plain that they had his blood in their veins ... He [Randolph] said in one instance, a gentleman dining with Mr. Jefferson, looked so startled as he raised his eyes from the latter to the servant behind him, that his discovery of the resemblance was perfectly obvious to all. ** "Letter from Henry Randall to James Parton, June 1, 1868". Jefferson's Blood. PBS Frontline. 2000. Retrieved September 18, 2011 * If these people who call themselves liberals, thereby degrading a noble word, aren't really liberals, then what are they? ... They are glib—gliberals. ... The Stevensons, Kennedys and Humphreys are able to flit from one position to another without the modifying transitions, because they say it so pretty. Honeyed words, swiftly delivered like cats scurrying up a wet fence; liberally seasoned with anecdotes, catchy syntax, Biblical quotations, Shakespeare; writing techniques introduced by early political writers like Thomas Jefferson, the founding Gliberal, a slaveowner who insisted that the Bill of Rights be added to the Constitution. ** [[w:Ishmael Reed|Ishamel Reed]], '[https://www.nytimes.com/1973/03/31/archives/gliberals.html Gliberals]', ''The New York Times'' (March 31, 1973), p. 35 * If Jefferson could return to our councils he would find that while economic changes of a century have changed the necessary methods of government action, the principles of that action are still wholly his own. ... Government with him was a means to an end, not an end in itself; it might be either a refuge and a help or a threat and a danger, depending on circumstances. ** [[Franklin Delano Roosevelt]], ''Looking Forward'' [1933] (2009), pp. xii, 5 * Thank Heaven, I have never hesitated to criticize Jefferson; he was infinitely below Hamilton. I think the worship of Jefferson a discredit to my country. ** [[Theodore Roosevelt]] to F. S. Oliver (August 8, 1906), quoted in Joseph Bucklin Bishop, ''Theodore Roosevelt and His Time Shown in His Own Letters: Volume II'' (1920), p. 23 * Born in 1743, Thomas Jefferson- third President of the United States, author of the Declaration of Independence, governor of Virginia, and founder of the University of Virginia- voiced the aspirations of a new America as no other individual of his era. As public official, historian, philosopher, and plantation owner, he served his country for more than five decades. Jefferson designed and built his mountaintop home, Monticello (Italian for "little mountain") between 1768 and 1809. He saw to it that Monticello was unlike any other American house of his day. It is truly one of the nation's architectural masterpieces and is the only American home ever named to UNESCO's World Heritage List (along with such international treasures as the Taj Mahal, the pyramids of Egypt, Versailles, and the Great Wall of China). Monticello draws visitors from around the world. The neoclassical style is highlighted by the dramatic dome, which appears on the back of the U.S. nickel. A tour of the house and grounds reveals many unique facts about Jefferson and his house, and much state and American history. ** Lynn Seldon, ''52 Virginia Weekends: Great Getaways and Adventures for Every Season'', (2000), 2nd edition, p. 33 * Jefferson died on the fiftieth anniversary of the adoption of the Declaration of Independence. This was on July 4, 1826. He had lived a full life of eighty-three years. He appealed to and expressed America's better self, and as a statesman believed in America and the people of America. He kept his fine ideals, his simplicity, his youthful mind, and his hopeful outlook to the very last. ** Francis Butler Simkins, Spotswood Hunnicutt, Sidman P. Poole, ''Virginia: History, Government, Geography'' (1957), p. 314 * Jefferson in his forecast, had anticipated this, as the 'rock upon which the old Union would split'. '''He was right. What was conjecture with him, is now a realized fact. But whether he fully comprehended the great truth upon which that rock stood and stands, may be doubted. The prevailing ideas entertained by him and most of the leading statesmen at the time of the formation of the old constitution, were that the enslavement of the African was in violation of the laws of nature; that it was wrong in principle, socially, morally, and politically'''. It was an evil they knew not well how to deal with, but the general opinion of the men of that day was that, somehow or other in the order of Providence, the institution would be evanescent and pass away. '''[[w:All men are created equal|This idea]], though not incorporated in the constitution, was the prevailing idea at that time. The constitution, it is true, secured every essential guarantee to the institution while it should last, and hence no argument can be justly urged against the constitutional guarantees thus secured, because of the common sentiment of the day. Those ideas, however, were fundamentally wrong. They rested upon the assumption of the equality of races. This was an error.''' ** [[Alexander H. Stephens]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20130822142313/http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/cornerstone-speech/ ''The Cornerstone Speech''] (1861), Savannah, Georgia * '''We deny''', without regard to color, '''that 'all men are created equal'; it is not true''' now, and was not true when [[w:Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]] wrote it. ** [[Benjamin Tillman]], as quoted in ''Pitchfork Ben Tillman, South Carolinian'' (1967), by Francis Butler Simkins. Louisiana State University Press. OCLC 1877696, p. 144 * This very verse, brethren, having emanated from Mr. Jefferson, a much greater philosopher the world never afforded, has in truth injured us more, and has been as great a barrier to our emancipation as any thing that has ever been advanced against us. ... I pledge you my sacred word of honour, that Mr. Jefferson's remarks respecting us, have sunk deep into the hearts of millions of the whites, and never will be removed this side of eternity. ** [[w:David Walker (abolitionist)|David Walker]] on Jefferson's Query XIV in ''Notes on the State of Virginia'' (September 28, 1829), quoted in Peter P. Hinks, ''David Walker's Appeal to the Coloured Citizens of the World'' (2010), pp. 29–30 * Jefferson expressed the American idea: political and social pluralism; government of limited, delegated and enumerated powers; the fecundity of freedom. He expressed it not only in stirring cadences, but also in the way he lived, as statesman, scientist, architect, educator. Jeffersonianism is what free men believe. Jefferson is what a free person looks like—confident, serene, rational, disciplined, temperate, tolerant, curious. In fine, Jefferson is the Person of the Millennium. ** [[George Will]], '[https://www.washingtonpost.com/archive/opinions/1990/12/16/person-of-the-millennium/bb1a4c35-e7aa-41dc-8976-3258850be634/ Person of the Millennium]', ''The Washington Post'' (December 16, 1990) * They talk about Thomas Jefferson. ... A coward! A man who dared confess a disbelief in the divinity of Christ and be a candidate for the Presidency in the eighteenth century? A coward! The man who dared drag up by the roots primogeniture and entail against the opposition of all the old Virginia aristocracy in the Virginia House of Burgesses, against the protests of the Pendletons and the Randolphs and the Lees and the Washingtons and the Harrisons and I believe the Careys and nearly all the balance of them. A coward! The American President who threw down the gauntlet to Napoleon the Great and informed him of the fact that if the Mississippi River fell into the hands of France it would be a cause of unending conflict between the two nations. ... Oh, this hatred, this old federalistic relic of hatred of Thomas Jefferson would be pathetic if it was not amusing. ** [[w:John Sharp Williams|John Sharp Williams]], speech in the House of Representatives (January 26, 1904), quoted in ''Congressional Record: The Proceedings and Debates of the Fifty-Eighth Congress, Second Session. Volume XXXVIII, Part II'' (1904), col. 1226 * Jefferson's objects have not fallen out of date. They are our own objects, if we be faithful to any ideals whatever; and the question we ask ourselves is not, How would Jefferson have pursued them in his day? but How shall we pursue them in ours? It is the spirit, not the tenets of the man by which he rules us from his urn. ** [[Woodrow Wilson]], speech in New York (April 16, 1906), quoted in Jeffrey Legh Sedgwick, ‘Jeffersonianism in the Progressive Era’, in Gary L. McDowell and Sharon L. Noble (eds.), ''Reason and Republicanism: Thomas Jefferson's Legacy of Liberty'' (1997), p. 202 == Primary sources == * ''Thomas Jefferson: Writings: Autobiography / Notes on the State of Virginia / Public and Private Papers / Addresses / Letters'' (1984, {{ISBN|0-940450-16-X}} [[w:Library of America|Library of America]] edition; see discussion of sources at [http://www.loa.org/volume.jsp?RequestID=67&section=notes]. There are numerous one-volume collections; this is perhaps the best place to start. * ''Thomas Jefferson, Political Writings'' ed by Joyce Appleby and Terence Ball. Cambridge University Press. 1999 * [http://www.constitution.org/tj/jeff.htm Lipscomb, Andrew A. and Albert Ellery Bergh, eds. ''The Writings Of Thomas Jefferson'' 19 vol. (1907)] not as complete nor as accurate as Boyd edition, but covers TJ from 1801 to his death. It is out of copyright, and so is online free. * Boyd, Julian P. et al, eds. ''The Papers of Thomas Jefferson.'' The definitive multivolume edition; available at major academic libraries. 31 volumes covers TJ to 1800, with 1801 due out in 2006. See description at [http://www.princeton.edu/~tjpapers/index.html] * [http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/jefferson/quotations/foley/ ''The Jefferson Cyclopedia'' (1900)] large collection of TJ quotations arranged by 9000 topics; searchable; copyright has expired and it is online free. * The Thomas Jefferson Papers, 1606-1827, 27,000 original manuscript documents at the Library of Congress. [http://memory.loc.gov/ammem/collections/jefferson_papers/ online collection] * Jefferson, Thomas. ''Notes on the State of Virginia'' (1787), London: Stockdale. This was Jefferson's only book. ** [http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/toc/modeng/public/JefVirg.html online edition] * Adams, Dickinson W., ed. ''Jefferson's Extracts from the Gospels'' (1983). All three of Jefferson's versions of the Gospels, with [[relevant]] correspondence about his religious opinions. Valuable introduction by Eugene Sheridan. * Bear, Jr., James A., ed. ''Jefferson's Memorandum Books'', 2 vols. (1997). Jefferson's account books with records of daily expenses. * Cappon, Lester J., ed. ''The Adams-Jefferson Letters'' (1959) * Smith, James Morton, ed. ''The Republic of Letters: The Correspondence between Thomas Jefferson and James Madison, 1776-1826'', 3 vols. (1995) == See also == * [[Founding Fathers of the United States]] * [[List of presidents of the United States]] {{Social and political philosophers}} == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{wikisource author}} {{commons|Thomas Jefferson}} * [http://www.whitehouse.gov/history/presidents/tj3.html Brief biography at The White House] * [http://memory.loc.gov/ammem/mtjhtml/mtjhome.html "The Thomas Jefferson Papers" at the Library of Congress] * [http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/jefferson/ Jefferson Digital Archive at The University of Virginia] * [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson'' (12 Vols. 1905), Edited by Paul Leicester Ford] * [http://www.monticello.org/ Monticello - Jefferson's Home (with extensive Quicktime panoramic images)] * [http://www.pbs.org/jefferson/ Thomas Jefferson] A film by [[w:Ken Burns|Ken Burns]] at PBS * [http://www.nps.gov/thje/ The Thomas Jefferson Memorial in Washington D.C.] * [http://sc94.ameslab.gov/TOUR/tjefferson.html Jefferson biography] * [http://sources.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Declaration_of_Independence "The Declaration of Independence" at Wikisource] * [http://www.loc.gov/exhibits/declara/declara3.html Drafting the "Declaration of Independence" at the Library of Congress] * [http://www.constitution.org/tj/tj-orddoi.htm Initial drafts of ''The Declaration of Independence (with photographs)] * [http://www.rjgeib.com/thoughts/jefferson/jefferson.html Jefferson's last letter] * [http://www.writespirit.net/authors/thomas_jefferson/quotes_war_jefferson Quotes on War and Peace by T.Jefferson] * [http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/quotes/jefferson.htm Quotes of Jefferson at Positive Atheism] * [http://etext.virginia.edu/jefferson/quotations/jeff1325.htm University of Virginia - Thomas Jefferson on Politics & Government] * [http://www.let.rug.nl/usa/presidents/thomas-jefferson/letters-of-thomas-jefferson/ The Letters of Thomas Jefferson] {{DEFAULTSORT:Jefferson, Thomas}} [[Category:Founding Fathers of the United States of America]] [[Category:Unitarians from the United States]] [[Category:Presidents of the United States]] [[Category:United States Secretaries of State]] [[Category:People from Virginia]] [[Category:1743 births]] [[Category:1826 deaths]] [[Category:Philosophers from the United States]] [[Category:Ambassadors of the United States]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:American architects]] [[Category:Inventors]] [[Category:Deists]] [[Category:Skeptics]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 1804]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 1800]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 1796]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 1792]] [[Category:Vice Presidents of the United States]] [[Category:Enlightenment]] [[Category:Secularists]] [[Category:People of the American Revolution]] 7rmqxk36zknzu7jq7xgtfta6ct324sh 3157893 3157892 2022-08-25T17:04:37Z 魔琴 3063810 Undid edits by [[Special:Contribs/50.201.197.214|50.201.197.214]] ([[User talk:50.201.197.214|talk]]) to last version by Zgystardst wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:02 Thomas Jefferson 3x4.jpg|thumb|We are not afraid to follow [[truth]] wherever it may lead, nor to [[tolerate]] any [[error]] so long as [[reason]] is left [[free]] to combat it.]] '''[[w:Thomas Jefferson|Thomas Jefferson]]''' ([[13 April]] [[1743]] – [[4 July]] [[1826]]) was author of the [[United States Declaration of Independence|Declaration of Independence]] (1776) and the [[w:Virginia Statute for Religious Freedom|Virginia Statute for Religious Freedom]] (1777), founder of the [[w:University of Virginia|University of Virginia]] (1819), the third [[w:President of the United States|president of the United States]] (1801–1809), a political philosopher, editor of [[w:Jefferson's Bible|Jefferson's Bible]] (1819), and one of the most influential [[w:Founding Fathers of the United States|founders of the United States]]. : See also: :: '''''[[United States Declaration of Independence]]''''' (1776) :: '''''[[Notes on the State of Virginia]]''''' (1781–1785) == Quotes == [[File:Jefferson statue detail North Grounds UVa.jpg|thumb|If I am to [[succeed]], the sooner I [[know]] it, the less uneasiness I shall have to go through. If I am to meet with a disappointment, the sooner I know it, the more of [[life]] I shall have to wear it off.]] [[File:Thomas Jefferson by John Trumbull.jpg|thumb|The most fortunate of us, in our journey through [[life]], frequently meet with calamities and misfortunes which may greatly afflict us; and, to fortify our [[minds]] against the attacks of these calamities and misfortunes, should be one of the principal studies and endeavours of our lives.]] [[File:Minute Man.JPG|thumb|As to the species of exercise, I advise the gun. While this gives a moderate exercise to the body, it gives boldness, enterprise, and independence to the mind.]] [[File:AdoptionOf13thAmendment.jpg|thumb|I congratulate you, my dear friend, on the law of your state for suspending the importation of slaves, and for the glory you have justly acquired by endeavoring to prevent it forever. This abomination must have an end, and there is a superior bench reserved in heaven for those who hasten it.]] [[File:Official medallion of the British Anti-Slavery Society (1795).jpg|thumb|The abolition of domestic slavery is the great object of desire in those colonies where it was unhappily introduced in their infant state. But previous to the infranchisement of the slaves we have, it is necessary to exclude all further importations... Yet our repeated attempts to effect this by prohibitions, and by imposing duties which might amount to a prohibition, have been hitherto defeated by his majesty's negative: thus preferring the immediate advantages of a few British corsairs.]] [[File:Spanish North America.png|thumb|Spanish is most important to an American... Besides this the antient part of American history is written chiefly in Spanish.]] [[File:George W.Bush and José María Aznar handshake 2001-06-12.jpg|thumb|Our connection with Spain is already important and will become daily more so.]] [[File:Peace Arch, U.S.-Canada border.jpg|thumb|We shall form to the American union a barrier against the dangerous extension of the British Province of Canada and add to the Empire of liberty an extensive and fertile Country thereby converting dangerous Enemies into valuable friends.]] [[File:Cicatrices de flagellation sur un esclave.jpg|thumb|What a stupendous, what an incomprehensible machine is man! Who can endure toil, famine, stripes, imprisonment and death itself in vindication of his own liberty, and the next moment, be deaf to all those motives whose powers supported him through his trial, and inflict on his fellow men a bondage, one hour of which is fraught with more misery than ages of that which he rose in rebellion to oppose.]] [[File:Chief Justice John Roberts presides over the impeachment trial of Donald Trump.jpg|thumb|An ''[[elective]] [[despotism]]'' was not the [[government]] we fought for.]] [[File:Jefferson Memorial with Cherry Blossom.jpg|thumb|[[Virtue]] is not long [[darkened]] by the [[clouds]] of calumny.]] [[File:Flickr - USCapitol - Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826).jpg|thumb|When a man assumes a public [[trust]], he should consider himself as public property, and justly liable to the inspection and vigilance of public [[opinion]]...]] [[File:Kurz & Allison - Battle of Antietam.jpg|thumb|Can the liberties of a nation be thought secure when we have removed their only firm basis, a conviction in the minds of the people that these liberties are of the gift of God? That they are not to be violated but with his wrath? Indeed I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just: that his justice cannot sleep forever.]] [[File:ConfederateCabinet.jpg|thumb|In a warm climate, no man will labour for himself who can make another labour for him. This is so true, that of the proprietors of slaves a very small proportion indeed are ever seen to labour.]] [[File:Flag of Europe.svg|thumb|Manners and opinions change with the change of circumstances, institutions must advance also, and keep pace with the times. We might as well require a man to wear still the coat which fitted him when a boy, as civilized society to remain ever under the regimen of their barbarous ancestors. It is this preposterous idea which has lately deluged Europe in blood.]] [[File:ImperialStateCrown.jpg|thumb|Monarchs, instead of wisely yielding to the gradual change of circumstances, of favoring progressive accommodation to progressive improvement, have clung to old abuses, entrenched themselves behind steady habits, and obliged their subjects to seek through blood and violence rash and ruinous innovations, which, had they been referred to the peaceful deliberations and collected wisdom of the nation, would have been put into acceptable and salutary forms. Let us follow no such examples.]] === 1760s === * '''To begin an affair of that kind now, and carry it on so long a time in form, is by no means a proper plan ... whatever assurances I may give her in private of my esteem for her, or whatever assurances I may ask in return from her, depend on it — they must be kept in private.''' [[Necessity]] will oblige me to proceed in a method which is not generally thought fair; that of treating with a ward before obtaining the approbation of her guardian. I say necessity will oblige me to it, because I never can bear to remain in suspense so long a time. If I am to [[succeed]], the sooner I [[know]] it, the less uneasiness I shall have to go through.''' If I am to meet with a disappointment, the sooner I know it, the more of [[life]] I shall have to wear it off: and if I do meet with one, I [[hope]] in [[God]], and verily [[believe]]; it will be the last. ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/?option=com_staticxt&staticfile=show.php%3Ftitle=800&chapter=85791&layout=html&Itemid=27 Letter to John Page (15 July 1763); published in ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson'' (1905)] * '''The most fortunate of us, in our journey through life, frequently meet with calamities and misfortunes which may greatly afflict us; and, to fortify our minds against the attacks of these calamities and misfortunes, should be one of the principal studies and endeavours of our lives.''' The only method of doing this is to assume a perfect resignation to the Divine will, to consider that whatever does happen, must happen; and that by our uneasiness, we cannot prevent the blow before it does fall, but we may add to its force after it has fallen. These considerations, and others such as these, may enable us in some measure to surmount the difficulties thrown in our way; to bear up with a tolerable degree of patience under this burthen of life; and to proceed with a pious and unshaken resignation, till we arrive at our journey’s end, when we may deliver up our trust into the hands of him who gave it, and receive such reward as to him shall seem proportioned to our merit. Such, dear Page, will be the language of the man who considers his situation in this life, and such should be the language of every man who would wish to render that situation as easy as the nature of it will admit. Few things will disturb him at all: nothing will disturb him much. ** Letter to John Page (15 July 1763); published in ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson'' (1905) * Christianity neither is, nor ever was, a part of the common law [this quote is referring to English Common Law]. ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-01_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;1 ''Whether Christianity is Part of the Common Law'' (1764) Broken link]. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, p.&nbsp;459 === 1770s === [[File:Benjamin West King Lear Act III scene 4.jpg|thumb|A lively and lasting sense of filial duty is more effectually impressed on the mind of a son or daughter by reading ''[[King Lear]]'', than by all the dry volumes of ethics, and divinity, that ever were written.]] [[File:ThomasJeffersonStateRoomPortrait.jpg|thumb|The God who gave us life, gave us liberty at the same time; the hand of force may destroy, but cannot disjoin them.]] [[File:Truth-Warner-Highsmith.jpeg|thumb|Truth will do well enough if left to shift for herself... Truth is the proper & sufficient antagonist to error.]] [[File:Jefferson Memorial with Declaration preamble.jpg|thumb|We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with inherent and inalienable Rights; that among these, are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness...]] * '''A lively and lasting sense of filial duty is more effectually impressed on the mind of a son or daughter by reading ''[[King Lear]]'', than by all the dry volumes of ethics, and divinity, that ever were written.''' ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-02_Bk.html#hd_lf054.2.head.010 Letter to Robert Skipwith (3 August 1771)] ; also in [http://books.google.com/books?vid=OCLC61981280&id=YjaXnbNMaccC&pg=RA6-PA239&lpg=RA6-PA239&dq=Bergh+%22volumes+of+ethics,+and+divinity%22 ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (19 Vols., 1905) edited by [[w:Andrew A. Lipscomb|Andrew A. Lipscomb]] and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. 4, p. 239] * For the most trifling reasons, and sometimes for no conceivable reason at all, his majesty has rejected laws of the most salutary tendency. '''The abolition of domestic slavery is the great object of desire in those colonies where it was unhappily introduced in their infant state'''. But previous to the infranchisement of the slaves we have, it is necessary to exclude all further importations from Africa. Yet our repeated attempts to effect this by prohibitions, and by imposing duties which might amount to a prohibition, have been hitherto defeated by his majesty’s negative: thus preferring the immediate advantages of a few British corsairs to the lasting interests of the American states, and to the rights of human nature deeply wounded by this infamous practice. ** [http://alexpeak.com/twr/jefferson/#1784 ''A Summary View of the Rights of British America''] (July 1774) * '''The God who gave us life, gave us liberty at the same time; the hand of force may destroy, but cannot disjoin them.''' ** ''Summary View of the Rights of British America'' (1774); ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (19 Vols., 1905) edited by [[w:Andrew A. Lipscomb|Andrew A. Lipscomb]] and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. 1, p. 211 * Let those flatter, who fear: it is not an American art. ** ''Summary View of the Rights of British America'' (1774) * '''Our cause is just.''' Our union is perfect. Our internal resources are great, and, if necessary, foreign assistance is undoubtedly attainable. — We gratefully acknowledge, as signal instances of the Divine favour towards us, that his Providence would not permit us to be called into this severe controversy, until we were grown up to our present strength, had been previously exercised in warlike operation, and possessed of the means of defending ourselves. With hearts fortified with these animating reflections, we most solemnly, before God and the world, declare that, exerting the utmost energy of those powers, which our beneficent Creator hath graciously bestowed upon us, the arms we have been compelled by our enemies to assume, we will, in defiance of every hazard, with unabating firmness and perseverence, employ for the preservation of our liberties; '''being with one mind resolved to die freemen rather than to live slaves.''' ** ''[[w:Declaration of the Causes and Necessity of Taking Up Arms|Declaration of the Causes and Necessity of Taking Up Arms]]'' (1775); Jefferson composed the first draft of this document, but the final work was done by [[w:John Dickinson|John Dickinson]], working with his original draft. [http://www.nationalcenter.org/1775DeclarationofArms.html Full text online] * '''All persons shall have full and free liberty of religious opinion; nor shall any be compelled to frequent or maintain any religious institution.''' ** [http://avalon.law.yale.edu/18th_century/jeffcons.asp Draft Constitution for Virginia (June 1776)] * '''No freeman shall be debarred the use of arms [within his own lands].''' ** [http://avalon.law.yale.edu/18th_century/jeffcons.asp Draft Constitution for Virginia (June 1776)] This quote often appears with the parenthetical omitted and with the spurious extension, "The strongest reason for the people to retain their right to keep and bear arms is as a last resort to protect themselves against tyranny in government". (See [https://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/no-freeman-shall-be-debarred-use-arms "No freeman shall be debarred the use of arms" Quotation] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20200220105040/https://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/no-freeman-shall-be-debarred-use-arms Archived] from the original on February 20, 2020) and [http://www.monticello.org/site/jefferson/strongest-reason-people-to-retain-right-to-keep-and-bear-arms-quotation Jefferson Encyclopedia "Strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms" Quotation] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20200218101730/https://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/strongest-reason-people-retain-right-keep-and-bear-arms-spurious Archived] from the original on February 20, 2020)) * '''Truth will do well enough if left to shift for herself.''' She seldom has received much aid from the power of great men to whom she is rarely known & seldom welcome. She has no need of force to procure entrance into the minds of men. Error indeed has often prevailed by the assistance of power or force. '''Truth is the proper & sufficient antagonist to error.''' ** Notes on Religion (October 1776), published in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson : 1816–1826'' (1899) edited by Paul Leicester Ford, v. 2, p. 102 * In the middle ages of Christianity opposition to the State opinions was hushed. The consequence was, Christianity became loaded with all the Romish follies. Nothing but free argument, raillery & even ridicule will preserve the purity of religion. ** ''Notes on Religion'' (October 1776), published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-02_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;2], p.&nbsp;256 * Compulsion in religion is distinguished peculiarly from compulsion in every other thing. '''I may grow rich by art I am compelled to follow, I may recover health by medicines I am compelled to take against my own judgment, but I cannot be saved by a worship I disbelieve & abhor.''' ** ''Notes on Religion'' (October 1776), published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-02_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;2], p.&nbsp;266 * [[John Locke|Locke]] denies toleration to those who entertain opinions contrary to those moral rules necessary for the preservation of society; as for instance, that faith is not to be kept with those of another persuasion, ... that dominion is founded in grace, or who will not own & teach the duty of tolerating all men in matters of religion, or who deny the existence of a god (it was a great thing to go so far—as he himself says of the parliament who framed the [[w:Act of Toleration|act of toleration]] ... He says 'neither Pagan nor Mahomedan nor Jew ought to be excluded from the civil rights of the Commonwealth because of his religion.' Shall we suffer a Pagan to deal with us and not suffer him to pray to his god? Why have Christians been distinguished above all people who have ever lived, for persecutions? Is it because it is the genius of their religion? No, its genius is the reverse. It is the refusing toleration to those of a different opinion which has produced all the bustles and wars on account of religion. It was the misfortune of mankind that during the darker centuries the Christian priests following their ambition and avarice combining with the magistrate to divide the spoils of the people, could establish the notion that schismatics might be ousted of their possessions & destroyed. This notion we have not yet cleared ourselves from. ** ''Notes on Religion'' (October, 1776). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-02_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;2], pp.&nbsp;267 * Well aware that '''the opinions and belief of men depend not on their own will, but follow involuntarily the evidence proposed to their minds'''; that Almighty God hath created the mind free, and manifested his supreme will that free it shall remain by making it altogether insusceptible of restraint; that all attempts to influence it by temporal punishments, or burthens, or by civil incapacitations, tend only to beget habits of hypocrisy and meanness, and are a departure from the plan of the holy author of our religion, who being lord both of body and mind, yet choose not to propagate it by coercions on either, as was in his Almighty power to do, but to exalt it by its influence on reason alone; that the impious presumption of legislature and ruler, civil as well as ecclesiastical, who, being themselves but fallible and uninspired men, have assumed dominion over the faith of others, setting up their own opinions and modes of thinking as the only true and infallible, and as such endeavoring to impose them on others, hath established and maintained false religions over the greatest part of the world and through all time: That to compel a man to furnish contributions of money for the propagation of opinions which he disbelieves and abhors, is sinful and tyrannical; ... '''that our civil rights have no dependence on our religious opinions, any more than our opinions in physics or geometry;''' and therefore the proscribing any citizen as unworthy the public confidence by laying upon him an incapacity of being called to offices of trust or emolument, unless he profess or renounce this or that religions opinion, is depriving him injudiciously of those privileges and advantages to which, in common with his fellow-citizens, he has a natural right; that it tends also to corrupt the principles of that very religion it is meant to encourage, by bribing with a monopoly of worldly honours and emolumerits, those who will externally profess and conform to it; that though indeed these are criminals who do not withstand such temptation, yet neither are those innocent who lay the bait in their way; that the opinions of men are not the object of civil government, nor under its jurisdiction; that to suffer the civil magistrate to intrude his powers into the field of opinion and to restrain the profession or propagation of principles on supposition of their ill tendency is a dangerous [[fallacy]], which at once destroys all religious liberty, ... and finally, '''that truth is great and will prevail if left to herself; that she is the proper and sufficient antagonist to error, and has nothing to fear from the conflict unless by human interposition disarmed of her natural weapons, free argument and debate ; errors ceasing to be dangerous when it is permitted freely to contradict them.''' ** ''A Bill for Establishing Religious Freedom'', Chapter 82 (1779). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-01_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;1], pp.&nbsp;438–441. [http://web.archive.org/web/19990128135214/http://www.geocities.com/Athens/7842/bill-act.htm Comparison of Jefferson's proposed draft and the bill enacted] ==== [[w:A Summary View of the Rights of British America|A Summary View of the Rights of British America]] (1774) ==== [[File:Andrew Johnson impeachment trial.jpg|thumb|From the nature of things, every society must at all times possess within itself the sovereign powers of legislation.]] [[File:Reproduction-of-the-1805-Rembrandt-Peale-painting-of-Thomas-Jefferson-New-York-Historical-Society 1.jpg|thumb|The whole art of government consists in the art of being honest.]] * History has informed us that bodies of men, as well as individuals, are susceptible of the spirit of tyranny. * There are extraordinary situations which require extraordinary interposition. An exasperated people, who feel that they possess power, are not easily restrained within limits strictly regular. * '''When the representative body have lost the confidence of their constituents, when they have notoriously made sale of their most valuable rights, when they have assumed to themselves powers which the people never put into their hands, then indeed their continuing in office becomes dangerous to the state, and calls for an exercise of the power of dissolution.''' * '''From the nature of things, every society must at all times possess within itself the sovereign powers of legislation. The feelings of human nature revolt against the supposition of a state so situated as that it may not in any emergency provide against dangers which perhaps threaten immediate ruin. While those bodies are in existence to whom the people have delegated the powers of legislation, they alone possess and may exercise those powers; but when they are dissolved by the lopping off one or more of their branches, the power reverts to the people, who may exercise it to unlimited extent, either assembling together in person, sending deputies, or in any other way they may think proper.''' * From the nature and purpose of civil institutions, all the lands within the limits which any particular society has circumscribed around itself are assumed by that society, and subject to their allotment only. This may be done by themselves, assembled collectively, or by their legislature, to whom they may have delegated sovereign authority; and if they are alloted in neither of these ways, each individual of the society may appropriate to himself such lands as he finds vacant, and occupancy will give him title. * '''A free people [claim] their rights, as derived from the laws of nature, and not as the gift of their chief magistrate'''. * '''Let those flatter who fear; it is not an American art. To give praise which is not due might be well from the venal, but would ill beseem those who are asserting the rights of human nature.''' They know, and will therefore say, that kings are the servants, not the proprietors of the people. * '''The whole art of government consists in the art of being honest.''' * '''The God who gave us life gave us liberty at the same time; the hand of force may destroy, but cannot disjoin them.''' ==== [[w:United States Declaration of Independence|Declaration of Independence]] (1776) ==== : <small>For more quotes from and about this document, see [[United States Declaration of Independence]]</small> [[File:Declaration independence.jpg|thumb|For the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor.]] * '''When, in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.''' * '''We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.—That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.''' * '''And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.''' ===== Earlier drafts ===== * ''[[George III of the United Kingdom|he]]<!--Jefferson did not capitalise this word in his original rough draft--> has waged cruel war against human nature itself, violating it's most sacred rights of life'' & ''liberty in the persons of a distant people who never offended him, captivating'' & ''carrying them into slavery in another hemisphere, or to incur miserable death in their transportation thither.&nbsp; this<!--Jefferson did not capitalise this word in his original rough draft--> piratical warfare, the opprobrium of'' infidel<!--Jefferson unitalicised this word in his original rough draft--> ''powers; is the warfare of the'' <u>Christian</u><!--Jefferson unitalicised and underlined this word in his original rough draft--> ''king of Great Britain. determined to keep open a market where'' MEN<!--Jefferson unitalicised and capitalised this word in his original rough draft--> ''should be bought'' & ''sold he has prostituted his negative for suppressing every legislative attempt to prohibit or to restrain this execrable commerce: and that this assemblage of horrors might want no fact of distinguished die, he is now exciting those very people to rise in arms among us, and to purchase that liberty of which'' he<!--Jefferson unitalicised this word in his original rough draft--> ''has deprived them, by murdering the people upon whom'' he<!--Jefferson unitalicised this word in his original rough draft--> ''also obtruded them: thus paying off former crimes committed against the <u>liberties</u><!--Jefferson underlined this word in his original rough draft--> of one people, with crimes which he urges them to commit against the <u>lives</u><!--Jefferson underlined this word in his original rough draft--> of another. ** [http://alexpeak.com/twr/doi/draft/#ex2 Known as the "anti-slavery clause", this section drafted by Thomas Jefferson was removed from the ''Declaration'' at the behest of representatives of South Carolina]. * Murdering the people upon whom he also obtruded them, thus paying off former crimes committed against the liberties of one people, with crimes which he urges them to commit against the lives of another. In every stage of these repressions, we have petitioned for redress in the most humble terms, our repreated petitions have been answered only by repreated injury. ** [https://books.google.com/books?id=WbFznb7PSGsC&printsec=frontcover&source=gbs_ge_summary_r&cad=0#v=onepage&q&f=false Article No. 20] === 1780s === [[File:Thomas Jefferson commerative silver dollar.png|thumb|It it is a part of the price we pay for our liberty, which cannot be guarded but by the freedom of the press, nor that be limited without danger of losing it.]] [[File:Jefferson-peale.jpg|thumb|It does me no [[injury]] for my neighbour to say there are twenty [[gods]], or [[Atheism|no god]]. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.]] [[File:LibertyTreePlanting.jpg|thumb|What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the [[spirit]] of [[resistance]]? Let them take arms. The remedy is to set them right as to [[facts]], pardon and pacify them. What signify a few lives lost in a century or two? The tree of [[liberty]] must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of [[patriots]] and [[tyrants]]. It is its natural manure.]] [[File:Monument to shays rebellion.jpg|thumb|A little [[rebellion]], now and then, is a good thing, and as [[necessary]] in the [[political]] world as [[storms]] in the physical.]] [[File:Thomas-Jefferson.jpg|thumb|I had rather be shut up in a very modest cottage with my [[books]], my [[family]] and a few old [[friends]], dining on simple bacon, and letting the [[world]] roll on as it liked, than to occupy the most splendid post, which any [[human]] [[power]] can give.]] [[File:Thomas_Jefferson_by_Rembrandt_Peale,_1800.jpg|thumb|I never submitted the whole [[system]] of my [[opinions]] to the [[creed]] of any party of men whatever in [[religion]], in [[philosophy]], in [[politics]], or in anything else where I was capable of [[thinking]] for [[myself]].]] [[File:Press Freedom 2017 RWB.svg|thumb|Our [[liberty]] depends on the [[freedom of the press]], and that cannot be limited without being lost.]] [[File:Burning of the uss philadelphia.jpg|thumb|We took the liberty to make some enquiries concerning the ground of their [[pretension|pretentions]] to make war upon [[nations]] who had done them no [[injury]], and observed that we considered [[all]] [[mankind]] as our [[friends]] who had done us no wrong, nor had given us any provocation ... The Ambassador answered us that it was founded on the [[laws]] of [[Mohammed|their Prophet]]; that it was written in their [[Koran]]; that all [[nations]] who should not have acknowledged their [[authority]] were [[sinners]]; that it was their right and duty to make [[war]] upon them wherever they could be found, and to make [[slaves]] of all they could.]] * [I]f the present Congress errs in too much talking, how can it be otherwise in a body to which the people send 150 lawyers, whose trade it is to question everything, yield nothing, and to talk by the hour? ** 1782, reported in Henry Brougham, Baron Brougham and Vaux, ''Historical Sketches of Statesmen who Flourished in the Time of George III'' (1845), Vol. II, p. 62. * Cultivators of the earth are the most valuable citizens. They are the most vigorous, the most independent, the most virtuous, and they are tied to their country and wedded to its liberty and interests by the most lasting bands. As long therefore as they can find employment in this line, I would not convert them into mariners, artisans, or any thing else. But our citizens will find employment in this line till their numbers, and of course their productions, become too great for the demand both internal and foreign. ** Letter to John Jay (23 August 1785); published in ''The Papers of Thomas Jefferson'' (1953), edited by Julian P. Boyd, vol. 8, p. 426 * In the [[w:Northern United States|North]] they are<br>cool<br>sober<br>laborious<br>persevering<br>independent<br>jealous of their own liberties, and just to those of others<br>interested<br>chicaning<br>superstitious and hypocritical in their religion<br>In the [[w:Southern United States|South]] they are <br>fiery<br>voluptuary<br>indolent<br> unsteady<br>independent<br>zealous for their own liberties, but trampling on those of others.<br>generous<br>candid<br>without attachment or pretensions to any religion but that of the heart. ** Letter to [[w:François-Jean de Chastellux|François-Jean de Chastellux]] (September 2, 1785), quoted in Thomas Jefferson, ''Writings'', ed. Merrill D. Peterson (1984), p. 827 * I am conscious that an equal division of property is impracticable. But the consequences of this enormous inequality producing so much misery to the bulk of mankind, legislators cannot invent too many devices for subdividing property..[a] means of silently lessening the inequality of property is to '''exempt all from taxation below a certain point, and to tax the higher portions of property in geometrical progression as they rise'''. ** [http://press-pubs.uchicago.edu/founders/documents/v1ch15s32.html Letter to] [[James Madison]] (28 October 1785) * Whenever there is in any country, uncultivated lands and unemployed poor, it is clear that the laws of property have been so far extended as to violate natural right. The earth is given as a common stock for man to labour and live on. ** [http://press-pubs.uchicago.edu/founders/documents/v1ch15s32.html Letter to] [[James Madison]] (28 October 1785) * It is an axiom in my mind, that '''our liberty can never be safe but in the hands of the people themselves''', and that too of the people with a certain degree of instruction. This it is the business of the State to effect, and on a general plan. ** [http://www.familytales.org/dbDisplay.php?id=ltr_thj1489 Letter to] [[George Washington]] (4 January 1786) * '''What a stupendous, what an incomprehensible machine is man! Who can endure toil, famine, stripes, imprisonment and death itself in vindication of his own liberty, and the next moment''', be deaf to all those motives whose powers supported him through his trial, and '''inflict on his fellow men a bondage, one hour of which is fraught with more misery than ages of that which he rose in rebellion to oppose.''' ** [https://books.google.com/books?id=u1xgWBntGYIC&printsec=frontcover&dq=jaffa+new+birth&hl=en&sa=X&ei=5BYSVeC0EYfegwTbzoKoCw&ved=0CB4Q6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=soul%20of%20the&f=false Letter to Jean Nicholas Demeunier] (24 January 1786) Bergh 17:103 * It is really to be lamented that after a public servant has passed a life in important and faithful services, after having given the most plenary satisfaction in every station, it should yet be in the power of every individual to disturb his quiet, by arraigning him in a gazette and by obliging him to act as if he needed a defence, an obligation imposed on him by unthinking minds which never give themselves the trouble of seeking a reflection unless it be presented to them. However it is a part of the price we pay for '''our liberty''', which '''cannot be guarded but by the freedom of the press, nor that be limited without danger of losing it.''' To the loss of time, of labour, of money, then, must be added that of quiet, to which those must offer themselves who are capable of serving the public, and all this is better than European bondage. Your quiet may have suffered for a moment on this occasion, but you have the strongest of all supports that of the public esteem. ** Letter to John Jay from Paris, France (January 25, 1786). Source: “[https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-09-02-0190 From Thomas Jefferson to John Jay, 25 January 1786],” Founders Online, National Archives, last modified June 13, 2018. [Original source: The Papers of Thomas Jefferson, vol. 9, 1 November 1785 – 22 June 1786, ed. Julian P. Boyd. Princeton: Princeton University Press, 1954, p. 215.] * '''Our liberty depends on the freedom of the press, and that cannot be limited without being lost.''' ** Letter to Dr. James Currie (28 January 1786) Lipscomb & Bergh 18:ii * {{Anchor|Koran}}We took the liberty to make some enquiries concerning the ground of their pretensions to make war upon nations who had done them no injury, and observed that we considered all mankind as our friends who had done us no wrong, nor had given us any provocation. '''The Ambassador [of Tripoli] answered us that it was founded on the Laws of their Prophet, that it was written in their Koran, that all nations who should not have acknowledged their authority were sinners, that it was their right and duty to make war upon them wherever they could be found, and to make slaves of all they could take as Prisoners, and that every Musselman who should be slain in battle was sure to go to Paradise.''' ** Letter from the commissioners (John Adams, Thomas Jefferson) to [[w:John Jay|John Jay]], 28 March 1786, in ''Thomas Jefferson Travels: Selected Writings, 1784-1789'', by Anthony Brandt, [http://books.google.com/books?id=SY_3VKP0SEkC&pg=PA104&dq=%22Ambassador+Answered%22 pp. 104-105] * The two principles on which our conduct towards the Indians should be founded, are justice and fear. After the injuries we have done them, they cannot love us.... ** Letter to Benjamin Hawkins (13 August 1786) Lipscomb & Bergh ed. 5:390 * The policy of American government is to leave its citizens free, neither restraining them nor aiding them in their pursuits. ** Letter to M. L'Hommande, (1787), as quoted in ''The Jeffersonian Cyclopedia'' (1900), edited by John P. Foley, p. 500<!-- Funk & Wagnalls Company --> * '''The basis of our government being the opinion of the people, the very first object should be to keep that right; and were it left to me to decide whether we should have a government without newspapers, or newspapers without a government, I should not hesitate a moment to prefer the latter.''' But I should mean that '''every man should receive those papers and be capable of reading them.''' ** Letter to Colonel Edward Carrington (16 January 1787) Lipscomb & Bergh ed. 6:57 ** Compare letter to John Norvell (11 June 1807), below. * Experience declares that man is the only animal which devours his own kind; for I can apply no milder term to the governments of Europe, and to the general prey of the rich on the poor. ** Letter to Colonel Edward Carrington (16 January 1787) * I am convinced that those societies (as the Indians) which live without government enjoy in their general mass an infinitely greater degree of happiness than those who live under the European governments. ** Letter to Colonel Edward Carrington, Paris, (16 January 1787) * '''I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing, and as necessary in the political world as storms in the physical.''' ** Letter to James Madison (30 January 1787); referring to [[w:Shays' Rebellion|Shays' Rebellion]] Lipscomb & Bergh ed. 6:65 * The spirit of resistance to government is so valuable on certain occasions, that I wish it to be always kept alive. It will often be exercised when wrong, but better so than not to be exercised at all. I like a little rebellion now and then. It is like a storm in the atmosphere. ** [http://memory.loc.gov/master/mss/mtj/mtj1/006/1200/1251.jpg Letter to Abigail Smith Adams] from Paris while a Minister to France (22 February 1787), referring to Shay's Rebellion. [http://www.loc.gov/teachers/classroommaterials/connections/thomas-jefferson/history4.html "Jefferson's Service to the New Nation," Library of Congress] * '''I have no fear that the result of our experiment will be that men may be trusted to govern themselves without a master.''' Could the contrary of this be proved, I should conclude either that there is no god, or that he is a malevolent being. ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-11-02-0441 Letter to David Hartley (2 July 1787)] * God forbid we should ever be twenty years without such a rebellion. The people cannot be all, and always, well informed. The part which is wrong will be discontented, in proportion to the importance of the facts they misconceive. If they remain quiet under such misconceptions, it is lethargy, the forerunner of death to the public liberty. [...] What country before ever existed a century and half without a rebellion? And '''what country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance? Let them take arms. The remedy is to set them right as to facts, pardon and pacify them. What signify a few lives lost in a century or two? The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is its natural manure.''' ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-12-02-0348 Letter] to [[w:William Stephens Smith|William Stephens Smith]] (13 November 1787). [https://www.loc.gov/resource/mtj1.008_0514_0516/?sp=2 Manuscript at the Library of Congress]. * When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe, we shall become corrupt as in Europe. ** Letter to [[James Madison]] (20 December 1787), [http://books.google.com/books?id=5iUWAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA332&dq=%22When+we+get+piled+upon+one%22+inauthor:jefferson&lr=&num=50&as_brr=0&hl=sv ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (19 Vols., 1905) edited by [[w:Andrew A. Lipscomb|Andrew A. Lipscomb]] and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. VI, p. 392.] * I am not a friend to a very energetic government. It is always oppressive. It places the governors indeed more at their ease at the expense of the people. The late rebellion in Massachusetts has given much more alarm than I think it should have done. Calculate that one rebellion in thirteen States in the course of eleven years is but one for each State in a century and a half. No country should be so long without one. Nor will any degree of power in the hands of the government prevent insurrections. In England, where the hand of power is heavier than with us, there are seldom half a dozen years without an insurrection. In France, where it is still heavier but less despotic, as [[Montesquieu]] supposes, than in some other countries and where there are always two or three hundred thousand men ready to crush insurrections, there have been three in the course of the three years I have been here, in every one of which greater numbers were engaged than in Massachusetts. ** Letter to James Madison, Paris, (20 December 1787), ''The Political Writings Of Thomas Jefferson'', Dumbauld, Edit. (1955) pp. 67-68 * With respect to the new Government, nine or ten States will probably have accepted by the end of this month. The others may oppose it. Virginia, I think, will be of this number. Besides other objections of less moment, she [Virginia] will insist on annexing a bill of rights to the new Constitution, i.e. a bill wherein the Government shall declare that, '''1. Religion shall be free; 2. Printing presses free; 3. Trials by jury preserved in all cases; 4. No monopolies in commerce; 5. No standing army.''' Upon receiving this bill of rights, she will probably depart from her other objections; and this bill is so much to the interest of all the States, that I presume they will offer it, and thus our Constitution be amended, and our Union closed by the end of the present year. ** Letter to Mr. Dumas (12 February 1788) * '''I had rather be shut up in a very modest cottage with my books, my family and a few old friends, dining on simple bacon, and letting the world roll on as it liked, than to occupy the most splendid post, which any human power can give.''' ** Letter to Alexander Donald (7 February 1788) * '''Paper is poverty,... it is only the ghost of money, and not money itself.''' ** Letter to Colonel Edward Carrington (27 May 1788) ME 7:36 * '''The natural progress of things is for liberty to yield, and government to gain ground.''' ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-13-02-0120 Letter to Edward Carrington, Paris] (27 May 1788) * Architecture worth great attention. As we double our numbers every 20 years we must double our houses. Besides we build of such perishable materials that one half of our houses must be rebuilt in every space of 20 years. So that in that term, houses are to be built for three fourths of our inhabitants. It is then among the most important arts: and it is desireable to introduce taste into an art which shews so much. ** Hints to Americans travelling in Europe, letter to John Rutledge, Jr. (June 19, 1788); in ''The Papers of Thomas Jefferson'', ed. Julian P. Boyd (1956), vol. 13, p. 269 * It is always better to have no ideas than false ones; to believe nothing, than to believe what is wrong. ** Letter From Thomas Jefferson to the Rev. James Madison, 19 July 1788 * I sincerely rejoice at the acceptance of our new Constitution by nine States. It is a good canvas, on which some strokes only want retouching. What these are, I think are sufficiently manifested by the general voice from north to south, which calls for a bill of rights. ** Letter to [[James Madison]] (July 31, 1788); reported in ''Memoir, correspondence, and miscellanies from the papers of Thomas Jefferson'', Volumes 1-2 (1829), p. 343 * Whenever the people are well informed, they can be trusted with their own government; that whenever things get so far wrong as to attract their notice, they may be relied on to set them to rights. ** Letter to [[w:Richard Price|Richard Price]] (8 January 1789) * You say that I have been dished up to you as an antifederalist, and ask me if it be just. My opinion was never worthy enough of notice to merit citing; but since you ask it I will tell it you. I am not a Federalist, because '''I never submitted the whole system of my opinions to the creed of any party of men whatever in religion, in philosophy, in politics, or in anything else where I was capable of thinking for myself. Such an addiction is the last degradation of a free and moral agent. If I could not go to heaven but with a party, I would not go there at all.''' Therefore I protest to you I am not of the party of federalists. But I am much farther from that than of the Antifederalists. ** Letter to Francis Hopkinson (13 March 1789) * We think in America that it is necessary to introduce the people into every department of government as far as they are capable of exercising it; and that this is the only way to ensure a long-continued and honest administration of it's powers. 1. They are not qualified to exercise themselves the EXECUTIVE department: but they are qualified to name the person who shall exercise it. With us therefore they chuse this officer every 4. years. 2. They are not qualified to LEGISLATE. With us therefore they only chuse the legislators. 3. They are not qualified to JUDGE questions of law; but they are very capable of judging questions of fact. In the form of JURIES therefore they determine all matters of fact, leaving to the permanent judges to decide the law resulting from those facts. Butwe all know that permanent judges acquire an esprit de corps; that, being known, they are liable to be tempted by bribery; that they are misled by favor, by relationship, by a spirit of party, by a devotion to the executive or legislative; that '''it is better to leave a cause to the decision of [[w:coin flipping|cross and pile]] than to that of a judge biased to one side'''; and that the opinion of twelve honest jurymen gives still a better hope of right than cross and pile does. It is left therefore, to the juries, if they think the permanent judges are under any bias whatever in any cause, to take on themselves to judge the law as well as the fact. They never exercise this power but when they suspect partiality in the judges; and by the exercise of this power they have been the firmest bulwarks of English liberty. ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-15-02-0275 Letter to the Abbé Arnoux (19 July 1787)] * '''I say, the earth belongs to each of these generations during its course, fully and in its own right. The second generation receives it clear of the debts and incumbrances of the first, the third of the second, and so on. For if the first could charge it with a debt, then the earth would belong to the dead and not to the living generation. Then, no generation can contract debts greater than may be paid during the course of its own existence.''' ** [http://etext.virginia.edu/jefferson/quotations/jeff1340.htm Letter] to [[James Madison]] (6 September 1789) ME 7:455, Papers 15:393 ==== Letter to George Rogers Clark (1780) ==== : <small>[http://wiki.monticello.org/mediawiki/index.php/Empire_of_liberty Letter to George Rogers Clark] (25 December 1780).</small> * We shall divert through our own Country a branch of commerce which the European States have thought worthy of the most important struggles and sacrifices, and in the event of peace... we shall form to the American union a barrier against the dangerous extension of the British Province of Canada and add to the Empire of liberty an extensive and fertile Country thereby converting dangerous Enemies into valuable friends. ==== ''Notes on the State of Virginia'' ==== : <small>''[[Notes on the State of Virginia]]'' (1781-1783).</small> * All the powers of government, legislative, executive, and judiciary, result to the legislative body. The concentrating these in the same hands is precisely the definition of despotic government. It will be no alleviation that these powers will be exercised by a plurality of hands, and not by a single one. [...] As little will it avail us that they are chosen by ourselves. '''An ''[[elective]] [[despotism]]'' was not the [[government]] we fought for'''; but one which should not only be founded on free principles, but in which the powers of government should be so divided and balanced among several bodies of magistracy, as that no one could transcend their legal limits, without being effectually checked and restrained by others. ** Query XIII, pp. 126–127 * It will probably be asked, Why not retain and incorporate the blacks into the state, and thus save the expence of supplying, by importation of white settlers, the vacancies they will leave? Deep rooted prejudices entertained by the whites; ten thousand recollections, by the blacks, of the injuries they have sustained; new provocations; the real distinctions which nature has made; and many other circumstances, will divide us into parties, and produce convulsions which will probably never end but in the extermination of the one or the other race. ** Query XIV, p. 147 * To these objections, which are political, may be added others, which are physical and moral. The first difference which strikes us is that of colour. ... Add to these, flowing hair, a more elegant symmetry of form, their own judgment in favour of the whites, declared by their preference of them, as uniformly as is the preference of the Oranootan for the black women over those of his own species. ** Query XIV, pp. 147–148 * Comparing them by their faculties of memory, reason, and imagination, it appears to me, that in memory they are equal to the whites; in reason much inferior. ... The improvement of the [[Black people|blacks]] in body and mind, in the first instance of their mixture with the whites, has been observed by every one, and proves that their inferiority is not the effect merely of their condition of life. We know that among the [[w:Ancient Rome|Romans]], about the [[Augustus|Augustan age]] especially, the condition of their slaves was much more deplorable than that of the blacks on the continent of America. ... Yet notwithstanding these and other discouraging circumstances among the Romans, their slaves were often their rarest artists. They excelled too in science, insomuch as to be usually employed as tutors to their master’s children. [[Epictetus]], [[Terence]], and [[Phaedrus]], were slaves. But they were of the race of whites. It is not their condition then, but nature, which has produced the distinction. ** Query XIV, pp. 149, 151–152 * I advance it therefore as a suspicion only, that the blacks, whether originally a distinct race, or made distinct by time and circumstances, are inferior to the whites in the endowments both of body and mind. It is not against experience to suppose, that different species of the same genus, or varieties of the same species, may posses different qualifications. Will not a lover of natural history then, one who views the gradations in all the races of animals with the eye of philosophy, excuse an effort to keep those in the department of man as distinct as nature has formed them? This unfortunate difference of colour, and perhaps of faculty, is a powerful obstacle to the emancipation of these people. ** Query XIV, pp. 153–154 * '''The legitimate powers of government extend to such acts only as are injurious to others. But it does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are twenty gods, or no god. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.''' ** Query XVII, p. 169 * '''Was the government to prescribe to us our medicine and diet, our bodies would be in such keeping as our souls are now'''. Thus in France the emetic was once forbidden as a medicine, and the potatoe as an article of food. ** Query XVII, pp. 169–170 * Difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects perform the office of a Censor morum over each other. Is uniformity attainable? '''Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. What has been the effect of coercion? To make one half the world fools, and the other half hypocrites. To support roguery and error all over the earth.''' Let us reflect that it is inhabited by a thousand millions of people. That these profess probably a thousand different systems of religion. That ours is but one of that thousand. That if there be but one right, and ours that one, we should wish to see the 999 wandering sects gathered into the fold of truth. But against such a majority we cannot effect this by force. Reason and persuasion are the only practicable instruments. To make way for these, free enquiry must be indulged; and how can we wish others to indulge it while we refuse it ourselves? ** Query XVII, pp. 170–171 * For in a warm climate, no man will labour for himself who can make another labour for him. This is so true, that of the proprietors of slaves a very small proportion indeed are even seen to labour. And can the liberties of a nation be thought secure when we have removed their only firm basis, a conviction in the minds of the people that these liberties are of the gift of God? That they are not to be violated but with his wrath? Indeed I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just: that his justice cannot sleep for ever: that considering numbers, nature and natural means only, a revolution of the wheel of fortune, an exchange of situation, is among possible events: that it may become probable by supernatural interference! The Almighty has no attribute which can take side with us in such a contest. ... I think a change already perceptible, since the origin of the present revolution. The spirit of the master is abating, that of the slave rising from the dust, his condition mollifying, the way I hope preparing, under the auspices of heaven, for a total emancipation, and that this is disposed, in the order of events, to be with the consent of the masters, rather than by their extirpation. ** Query XVIII, pp. 173–174; for more quotes from this document see: '''''[[Notes on the State of Virginia]]''''' (1781-1785) ==== Letter to the Marquis de Chastellux (1785) ==== : <small>[http://books.google.com.ph/books?id=iSeWGTYsFcsC&pg=PA137 Letter to the Marquis de Chastellux (7 June 1785)]</small> * I believe the Indian then to be in body and mind equal to the white man. ==== Letter to Richard Price (1785) ==== : <small>[https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-08-02-0280 Letter to Richard Price, 7 August 1785] from Paris, France (7 August 1785).</small> * Your favor of July 2. came duly to hand. The concern you therein express as to the effect of your pamphlet in America, induces me to trouble you with some observations on that subject. ** [[Benjamin Wade]] speech about Jefferson's letter about Price's work ''Observations on the Importance of the American Revolution'' as quoted in the Congressional Record, 1854, pp. 312-313[https://books.google.com/books?id=1CZBnpnwzToC&pg=PA312] * Northward of the Chesapeak you may find here and there an opponent to your doctrine as you may find here and there a robber and a murderer, but in no greater number. In that part of America, there being but few slaves, they can easily disencumber themselves of them, and emancipation is put into such a train that in a few years there will be no slaves Northward of Maryland. In Maryland I do not find such a disposition to begin the redress of this enormity as in Virginia. This is the next state to which we may turn our eyes for the interesting spectacle of justice in conflict with avarice and oppression: a conflict wherein the sacred side is gaining daily recruits from the influx into office of young men grown and growing up. These have sucked in the principles of liberty as it were with their mother’s milk, and it is to them I look with anxiety to turn the fate of this question. ** Wade, ibid. ==== Letter to Peter Carr (1785) ==== : <small>[http://www.yale.edu/lawweb/avalon/jefflett/let31.htm Letter to his nephew Peter Carr] from Paris, France (19 August 1785).</small> * '''As to the species of exercise, I advise the gun.''' While this gives a moderate exercise to the body, it gives boldness, enterprise, and independence to the mind. Games played with the ball, and others of that nature, are too violent for the body, and stamp no character on the mind. Let your gun therefore be the constant companion of your walks. Never think of taking a book with you. * The object of walking is to relax the mind. You should therefore not permit yourself even to think while you walk; but divert your attention by the objects surrounding you. Walking is the best possible exercise. Habituate yourself to walk very far. The Europeans value themselves on having subdued the horse to the uses of man; but I doubt whether we have not lost more than we have gained, by the use of this animal. No one has occasioned so much, the degeneracy of the human body. An Indian goes on foot nearly as far in a day, for a long journey, as an enfeebled white does on his horse; and he will tire the best horses. There is no habit you will value so much as that of walking far without fatigue. * '''He who permits himself to tell a lie once, finds it much easier to do it a second and third time, till at length it becomes habitual; he tells lies without attending to it, and truths without the world's believing him. This falsehood of tongue leads to that of the heart, and in time depraves all its good dispositions.''' ==== Letter to John Jay (1786) ==== : <small>[http://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-09-02-0315 Letter to John Jay] (28 March 1786), written with John Adams.</small> * We took the liberty to make some enquiries concerning the ground of their pretentions to make war upon nations who had done them no injury, and observed that we considered all mankind as our friends who had done us no wrong, nor had given us any provocation. * The Ambassador answered us that it was founded on the laws of their [[Mohammed|Prophet]]; that it was written in their [[Koran]]; that all nations who should not have acknowledged their authority were sinners; that it was their right and duty to make war upon them wherever they could be found, and to make slaves of all they could take as prisoners; and that every [[Muslim|Mussulman]] who was slain in battle was sure to go to Paradise. He said, also, that the man who was the first to board a vessel had one slave over and above his share, and that when they sprang to the deck of an enemy's ship, every sailor held a dagger in each hand and a third in his mouth; which usually struck such terror into the foe that they cried out for quarter at once. That it was a law that the first who boarded an Enemy’s Vessell should have one slave. ** Concerning an interview in London with the ambassador from Tripoli, Sidi Haji Abdul Rahman Adja. ==== Letter to Thomas Mann Randolph (1787) ==== : <small>[http://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/spanish-language Letter to Thomas Mann Randolph (6 July 1787)]</small> * With respect to modern languages, French, as I have before observed, is indispensible. Next to this the Spanish is most important to an American. Our connection with Spain is already important and will become daily more so. Besides this the antient part of American history is written chiefly in Spanish. ==== Letter to Edward Rutledge (1787) ==== : <small>[http://alexpeak.com/twr/jefferson/#1784 Letter to Edward Rutledge (14 July 1787)]</small> * I congratulate you, my dear friend, on the law of your state for suspending the importation of slaves, and for the glory you have justly acquired by endeavoring to prevent it forever. This abomination must have an end, and there is a superior bench reserved in heaven for those who hasten it. ==== Letter to Peter Carr (1787) ==== [[File:Kramskoi Christ dans le désert.jpg|thumb|The moral sense, or conscience, is as much a part of man as his leg or arm. It is given to all human beings in a stronger or weaker degree, as force of members is given them in a greater or less degree. It may be strengthened by exercise, as may any particular limb of the body.]] [[File:Brocken-tanzawa2.JPG|thumb|I repeat, you must lay aside all prejudice on both sides, and neither believe nor reject anything, because any other persons, or description of persons, have rejected or believed it. Your own reason is the only oracle given you by heaven, and you are answerable, not for the rightness, but uprightness of the decision.]] : <small>[https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-12-02-0021 Letter to his nephew Peter Carr] from Paris, France (10 August 1787). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-05_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;5], pp.&nbsp;324–327.</small> * '''He who made us would have been a pitiful bungler, if he had made the rules of our moral conduct a matter of science. For one man of science, there are thousands who are not. What would have become of them?''' Man was destined for society. His morality, therefore, was to be formed to this object. He was endowed with a sense of right and wrong, merely relative to this. * '''The moral sense, or conscience, is as much a part of man as his leg or arm. It is given to all human beings in a stronger or weaker degree, as force of members is given them in a greater or less degree. It may be strengthened by exercise, as may any particular limb of the body.''' This sense is submitted, indeed, in some degree, to the guidance of reason; but it is a small stock which is required for this: even a less one than what we call common sense. State a moral case to a ploughman and a professor. The former will decide it as well, and often better than the latter, because he has not been led astray by artificial rules. * Above all things, lose no occasion of exercising your dispositions to be grateful, to be generous, to be charitable, to be humane, to be true, just, firm, orderly, courageous, &c. Consider every act of this kind, as an exercise which will strengthen your moral faculties and increase your worth. * Your reason is now mature enough to examine this object [religion]. In the first place divest yourself of all bias in favour of novelty & singularity of opinion. Indulge them in any other subject rather than that of religion. It is too important, & the consequences of error may be too serious. On the other hand shake off all the fears & servile prejudices under which weak minds are servilely crouched. Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call to her tribunal every fact, every opinion. '''Question with boldness even the existence of a god; because, if there be one, he must more approve the homage of reason, than that of blindfolded fear.''' ** [http://memory.loc.gov/master/mss/mtj/mtj1/007/0900/0961.jpg Scan of the original page] at The Library of Congress. * You will naturally examine first, the religion of your own country. Read the Bible, then as you would read [[Livy]] or [[Tacitus]]. The facts which are within the ordinary course of nature, you will believe on the authority of the writer, as you do those of the same kind in Livy and Tacitus. The testimony of the writer weighs in their favor, in one scale, and their not being against the laws of nature, does not weigh against them. But those facts in the Bible which contradict the laws of nature, must be examined with more care, and under a variety of faces. Here you must recur to the pretensions of the writer to inspiration from God. Examine upon what evidence his pretensions are founded, and whether that evidence is so strong, as that its falsehood would be more improbable than a change in the laws of nature, in the case he relates. For example in the book of Joshua we are told the sun stood still several hours. Were we to read that fact in Livy or Tacitus we should class it with their showers of blood, speaking of statues, beasts, etc. '''But it is said that the writer of that book was inspired. Examine therefore candidly what evidence there is of his having been inspired. The pretension is entitled to your inquiry, because millions believe it.''' On the other hand you are astronomer enough to know how contrary it is to the law of nature that a body revolving on its axis as the earth does, should have stopped, should not by that sudden stoppage have prostrated animals, trees, buildings, and should after a certain time have resumed its revolution, & that without a second general prostration. Is this arrest of the earth's motion, or the evidence which affirms it, most within the law of probabilities? * '''You will next read the new testament. It is the history of a personage called [[Jesus]].''' Keep in your eye the opposite pretensions 1. of those who say he was begotten by God, born of a virgin, suspended & reversed the laws of nature at will, & ascended bodily into heaven: and 2. of those who say he was a man of illegitimate birth, of a benevolent heart, enthusiastic mind, who set out without pretensions to divinity, ended in believing them, & was Punished capitally for sedition by being gibbeted according to the Roman law which punished the first commission of that offence by whipping, & the second by exile or death in ''furcâ''. <!-- in furca? what? --> * '''Do not be frightened from this inquiry by any fear of its consequences. If it ends in a belief that there is no god, you will find incitements to virtue in the comfort and pleasantness you feel in its exercise, and the love of others which it will procure you.''' If you find reason to believe there is a God, a consciousness that you are acting under his eye, and that he approves you, will be a vast additional incitement; if that there be a future state, the hope of a happy existence in that increases the appetite to deserve it; if that Jesus was also a god, you will be comforted by a belief of his aid and love. * '''In fine, I repeat, you must lay aside all prejudice on both sides, and neither believe nor reject anything, because any other persons, or description of persons, have rejected or believed it. Your own reason is the only oracle given you by heaven, and you are answerable, not for the rightness, but uprightness of the decision.''' * '''When speaking of the new testament that you should read all the histories of Christ, as well of those whom a council of ecclesiastics have decided for us to be Pseudo-evangelists, as those they named Evangelists.''' Because these Pseudo-evangelists pretended to inspiration as much as the others, and you are to judge their pretensions by your own reason, & not by the reason of those ecclesiastics. Most of these are lost. There are some however still extant, collected by Fabricius which I will endeavor to get & send you. === 1790s === [[File:Gilbert Stuart Thomas Jefferson.jpg|thumb|I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty, than those attending too small a degree of it.]] [[File:Constitution of the United States, page 1.jpg|thumb|In questions of power let no more be heard of confidence in man, but bind him down from mischief by the chains of the Constitution.]] [[File:Thomas Jefferson by Mather Brown.jpg|thumb|To preserve the freedom of the human mind then and freedom of the press, every spirit should be ready to devote itself to martyrdom; for as long as we may think as we will, and speak as we think, the condition of man will proceed in improvement.]] * The republican is the only form of government which is not eternally at open or secret war with the rights of mankind. ** Letter to William Hunter (11 March 1790) * '''We are not to expect to be translated from despotism to liberty in a featherbed.''' ** Letter to [[Gilbert du Motier, marquis de Lafayette]] (2 April 1790) * I learn with great satisfaction that you are about committing to the press the valuable historical and State papers you have been so long collecting. Time and accident are committing daily havoc on the originals deposited in our public offices. The late war has done the work of centuries in this business. The last cannot be recovered, but '''let us save what remains; not by vaults and locks which fence them from the public eye and use in consigning them to the waste of time, but by such a multiplication of copies, as shall place them beyond the reach of accident.''' ** Letter to a Mr. Hazard (18 February 1791) published in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1853), Vol. 2, edited by Henry Augustine Washington, p. 211 * '''I consider the foundation of the Constitution as laid on this ground: That "all powers not delegated to the United States, by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States or to the people." '''To take a single step beyond the boundaries thus specially drawn around the powers of Congress, is to take possession of a boundless field of power, no longer susceptible of any definition.<br> The incorporation of a bank, and the powers assumed by this bill, have not, in my opinion, been delegated to the United States, by the Constitution... They are not among the powers specially enumerated... ** [[s:Opinion against the Constitutionality of a National Bank|Opinion against the constitutionality of a National Bank]] (1791), also quoted in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' "Memorial Edition" (20 Vols., 1903-04) edited by [[w:Andrew A. Lipscomb|Andrew A. Lipscomb]] and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. 3, p. 146 * Timid men prefer the calm of despotism to the tempestuous sea of liberty. ** Letter to his Italian friend, Philip Mazzei (1796) * '''No body wishes more than I do to see such proofs as you exhibit, that nature has given to our black brethren, talents equal to those of the other colors of men''', and that the appearance of a want of them is owing merely to the degraded condition of their existence, both in Africa & America. I can add with truth, that no body wishes more ardently to see a good system commenced for raising the condition both of their body & mind to what it ought to be, as fast as the imbecility of their present existence, and other circumstances which cannot be neglected, will admit. ** [http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/r?ammem/mtj:@field(DOCID+@lit(tj060149)) Letter to Benjamin Banneker (30 August 1791)], quoted in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1853), p. 291 * '''I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty, than those attending too small a degree of it.''' ** Letter to Archibald Stuart [http://faculty.maxwell.syr.edu/skjolly/jeffersonianfederalism.pdf] [http://books.google.com/books?id=ZTIoAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA837#v=onepage&q=&f=false], Philadelphia (23 December 1791) * Let what will be said or done, preserve your ''sang-froid'' immovably, and to every obstacle, oppose patience, perseverance, and soothing language. ** Letter to William Short (18 March 1792) * '''Delay is preferable to error.''' ** Letter to [[George Washington]] (16 May 1792) * No government ought to be without censors; and where the press is free no one ever will. ** Letter to [[George Washington]] (9 September 1792) * The liberty of the whole earth was depending on the issue of the contest, and was ever such a prize won with so little innocent blood? My own affections have been deeply wounded by some of the martyrs to this cause, but rather than it should have failed, I would have seen half the earth desolated. Were there but an Adam & an Eve left in every country, & left free, it would be better than as it now is. ** Letter to William Short (January 3, 1793), quoted in Stanley Elkins and Eric McKitrick, ''The Age of Federalism'' (1995), pp. 316–317 * We confide in our strength, without boasting of it; we respect that of others, without fearing it. ** Letter to William Carmichael and William Short (1793) * One loves to possess arms, though they hope never to have occasion for them. ** Letter to [[George Washington]] (1796); published in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', 20 Vols.,<!-- Lipscomb and Bergh, editors, --> Washington, D.C., (1903-04), 9:341 * The second office of the government is honorable and easy, the first is but a splendid misery. ** Letter to [[w:Elbridge Gerry|Elbridge Gerry]] (13 May 1797) * It was by the sober sense of our citizens that we were safely and steadily conducted from monarchy to republicanism, and it is by the same agency alone we can be kept from falling back. ** Letter to Arthur Campbell (1797) * '''A little patience, and we shall see the reign of [[witches]] pass over, their spells dissolve, and the people, recovering their true sight, restore their government to its true principles.''' It is true that in the meantime we are suffering deeply in spirit, and incurring the horrors of a war and long oppressions of enormous [[public debt]]. If the game runs sometimes against us at home we must have patience till luck turns, and then we shall have an opportunity of winning back the principles we have lost, for this is a game where principles are at stake. ** From a letter to [[w:John Taylor (1770-1832)|John Taylor]] (June 1798), after the passage of the [[w:Alien and Sedition Acts|Alien and Sedition Acts]] * War is an instrument entirely inefficient toward redressing wrong; and multiplies, instead of indemnifying losses. ** Letter to John Sinclair (1798) * As pure a son of liberty as I have ever known. ** Statement about [[Tadeusz Kościuszko]], in a letter to Horatio Gates (1798) * '''I am for freedom of religion, & against all maneuvres to bring about a legal ascendancy of one sect over another''', for freedom of the press, and against all violations of the Constitution to silence by force and not by reason the complaints or criticisms, just or unjust, of our citizens against the conduct of their agents. ** [http://www.constitution.org/tj/jeff10.txt Letter to Elbridge Gerry] (26 January 1799); published in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', Memorial Edition <!-- (ME) (Lipscomb and Bergh, editors) --> 20 Vols., Washington, D.C., 1903-04, Volume 10, p. 78 * '''Commerce with all nations, alliance with none, should be our motto.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/16783/16783-h/16783-h.htm#2H_4_0253| Letter to Thomas Lomax (12 March 1799)] * While the art of printing is left to us '''science can never be retrograde; what is once acquired of real knowlege can never be lost.''' ** [http://www.princeton.edu/~tjpapers/munford/munford.html Letter to William Green Mumford (18 June 1799)] * '''To preserve the freedom of the human mind then and freedom of the press, every spirit should be ready to devote itself to martyrdom; for as long as we may think as we will, and speak as we think, the condition of man will proceed in improvement.''' The generation which is going off the stage has deserved well of mankind for the struggles it has made, and for having arrested the course of despotism which had overwhelmed the world for thousands and thousands of years. If there seems to be danger that the ground they have gained will be lost again, that danger comes from the generation your contemporary. But that the enthusiasm which characterizes youth should lift its parricide hands against freedom and science would be such a monstrous phenomenon as I cannot place among possible things in this age and country. ** [http://www.princeton.edu/~tjpapers/munford/munford.html Letter to William Green Mumford (18 June 1799)] ==== [[w:Kentucky and Virginia Resolutions|Kentucky Resolutions of 1798]] ==== : <small>[[s:Kentucky Resolutions of 1798|The Kentucky Resolutions of 1798]] (10 November 1798), written secretly by Jefferson, against the [[w:Alien and Sedition Acts|Alien and Sedition Acts]]</small> * '''This commonwealth is determined, as it doubts not its co-states are, to submit to undelegated and consequently unlimited powers in no man, or body of men, on earth'''; that, if the acts before specified should stand, these conclusions would flow from them — that the general government may place any act they think proper on the list of crimes, and punish it themselves, whether enumerated or not enumerated by the Constitution as cognizable by them; that they may transfer its cognizance to the President, or any other person, who may himself be the accuser, counsel, judge, and jury, whose suspicions may be the evidence, his order the sentence, his officer the executioner, and his breast the sole record of the transaction; that a very numerous and valuable description of the inhabitants of these states, being, by this precedent, reduced, as outlaws, to absolute dominion of one man, and the barriers of the Constitution thus swept from us all, no rampart now remains against the passions and the power of a majority of Congress, to protect from a like exportation, or other grievous punishment, the minority of the same body, the legislatures, judges, governors, and counsellors of the states, nor their other '''peaceable inhabitants, who may venture to reclaim the constitutional rights and liberties of the states and people, or who for other causes, good or bad, may be obnoxious to the view, or marked by the suspicions, of the President, or be thought dangerous to his or their elections, or other interests, public or personal; that the friendless alien has been selected as the safest subject of a first experiment; but the citizen will soon follow, or rather has already followed; for already has a Sedition Act marked him as a prey''': That these and successive acts of the same character, unless arrested on the threshold, may tend to drive these states into revolution and blood, and will furnish new calumnies against republican governments, and new pretexts for those who wish it to be believed that man cannot be governed but by a rod of iron; that '''it would be a [[dangerous]] [[delusion]] were a [[confidence]] in the men of our [[choice]] to [[silence]] our [[fears]] for the [[safety]] of our [[rights]]; that confidence is every where the parent of [[despotism]]; [[free]] [[government]] is founded in [[jealousy]], and not in confidence; it is jealousy, and not confidence, which prescribes limited constitutions to bind down those whom we are [[obliged]] to [[trust]] with [[power]]; that [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]] has accordingly fixed the limits to which, and no farther, our confidence may go'''; and let the [[honest]] advocate of confidence read the [[w:Alien and Sedition Acts|Alien and Sedition Acts]], and say if the Constitution has not been [[wise]] in fixing limits to the government it created, and whether we should be wise in [[destroying]] those limits; let him say what the government is, if it be not a [[tyranny]], which the men of our choice have conferred on [[President of the United States|the President]], and the President of our choice has assented to and accepted, over the [[friendly]] [[strangers]], to whom the mild [[spirit]] of [[United States|our country]] and its [[laws]] had pledged [[hospitality]] and [[protection]]; that the men of our choice have more [[respected]] the bare [[suspicions]] of the President than the solid rights of [[innocence]], the claims of justification, the [[sacred]] [[force]] of [[truth]], and the forms and [[substance]] of law and [[justice]]. <br> '''In questions of power, then, let no more be said of confidence in man, but bind him down from [[mischief]] by the chains of the Constitution.''' ** Resolution 9 === 1800s === [[File:Jefferson statue Rotunda University of Virginia.jpg|thumb|I have sworn upon the altar of god eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man.]] [[File:As08-16-2593.jpg|thumb|The [[happiness]] of [[mankind]] is best promoted by the useful pursuits of peace.]] [[File:Priestley Riots painting.jpg|thumb| What an effort, my dear sir, of bigotry in politics and religion have we gone through! The barbarians really flattered themselves they should be able to bring back the times of Vandalism...]] [[File:ThomasJeffersonByRobertField.jpg|thumb|If we do not learn to sacrifice small differences of opinion, we can never act together. Every man cannot have his way in all things. If his own opinion prevails at some times, he should acquiesce on seeing that of others preponderate at others. Without this mutual disposition we are disjointed individuals, but not a society.]] [[File:Andrew Johnson impeachment trial.jpg|thumb|The greatest good we can do our country is to heal it’s party divisions & make them one people. I do not speak of their leaders who are incurable, but of the honest and well-intentioned body of the people.]] [[File:Jefferson Memorial (cropped).jpg|thumb|The care of human life and happiness, and not their destruction, is the first and only legitimate object of good government.]] * When the clergy addressed General Washington on his departure from the government, it was observed in their consultation that he had never on any occasion said a word to the public which showed a belief in the Christian religion and they thought they should so pen their address as to force him at length to declare publicly whether he was a Christian or not. They did so. However [Dr.&nbsp;Rush] observed the old fox was too cunning for them. He answered every article of their address particularly except that, which he passed over without notice. Rush observes he never did say a word on the subject in any of his public papers except in his valedictory letter to the Governors of the states when he resigned his commission in the army, wherein he speaks of the benign influence of the Christian religion. I know that Gouverneur Morris, who pretended to be in his secrets & believed himself to be so, has often told me that General Washington believed no more of that system than he himself did. ** The ''Anas'' (February 1, 1800). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-01_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;1], pp.&nbsp;352–353 * The returning good sense of our country threatens abortion to their hopes, & '''they believe that any portion of power confided to me, will be exerted in opposition to their schemes. And they believe rightly'''; for '''I have sworn upon the altar of god eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man.''' But this is all they have to fear from me: and enough, too, in their opinion. ** On members of the clergy who sought to establish some form of "official" Christianity in the U.S. government. Letter to Dr. Benjamin Rush (23 September 1800) ** This has commonly been quoted as "'''I have sworn upon the altar of God Eternal, hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man'''", '''"I have sworn upon the altar of God eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man"''', and "'''I have sworn upon the altar of God, eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man.'''" Neither capitalization of "god" and "eternal", nor a comma before or after "eternal" are apparent in the original. [http://memory.loc.gov/master/mss/mtj/mtj1/022/0400/0440.jpg Photograph of the original manuscript at the Library of Congress] - [http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/r?ammem/mtj:@field(DOCID+@lit(tj090069)) LOC transcription] <!-- NOTE : though this transcription has a comma between god and eternal in there is no comma apparent in the photograph and where grammar might best place it remains ambiguous. --> ** The first portion of this statement has also been widely paraphrased as "The clergy believe that any power confided in me will be exerted in opposition to their schemes, and they believe rightly". * I am not afraid to appeal to the nation at large, to posterity, and still less to that Being Who sees Himself our motives, Who will judge us from His own knowledge of them. ** ''Writings'' (1904), Vol. XI, p. 44, to Abigail Adams on July 22, 1804. * Believing that '''the happiness of mankind is best promoted by the useful pursuits of peace''', that on these alone a stable prosperity can be founded, that the evils of war are great in their endurance, and have a long reckoning for ages to come, I have used my best endeavors to keep our country uncommitted in the troubles which afflict Europe, and which assail us on every side. ** Letter to the Young Republicans of Pittsburg (December 2, 1808); H. A. Washington, ed., ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', vol. 8, p. 142 (1871). Source: Library of Congress (February 18, 2010): [https://books.google.de/books?id=91IFAYFhtOMC&pg=PA162&lpg=PA162&dq=Thomas+Jefferson+The+happiness+of+mankind+is+best+promoted+by+the+useful+pursuits+of+peace.&source=bl&ots=pji6w9TkIk&sig=ACfU3U3XP12ggXMNkavR_5LT5TUSgZEQ-w&hl=de&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiUk7TKlZj Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations, page 162]. Published by ‎Dover Publications. ==== First Inaugural Address (1801) ==== [[File:Scene_at_the_Signing_of_the_Constitution_of_the_United_States.jpg|thumb|All, too, will bear in mind this sacred principle, that though the will of the majority is in all cases to prevail, that will to be rightful must be reasonable; that the minority possess their equal rights, which equal law must protect, and to violate would be oppression.]] [[File:Anger during a protest by David Shankbone.jpg|thumb|Every difference of opinion is not a difference of principle.]] [[File:Tjefferson.jpeg|thumb|Error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it.]] : <small>[[s:Thomas Jefferson's First Inaugural Address|Thomas Jefferson's First Inaugural Address]] (4 March 1801)</small> * '''All, too, will bear in mind this sacred principle, that though the will of the majority is in all cases to prevail, that will to be rightful must be reasonable; that the minority possess their equal rights, which equal law must protect, and to violate would be oppression.''' Let us, then, fellow-citizens, unite with one heart and one mind. Let us restore to social intercourse that harmony and affection without which liberty and even life itself are but dreary things. * '''Every difference of opinion is not a difference of principle.''' We have called by different names brethren of the same principle. We are all [[w:Democratic-Republican Party|Republicans]], we are all [[w:Federalist Party|Federalists]]. * If there be any among us who would wish to dissolve this Union or to change its republican form, let them stand undisturbed as monuments of the safety with which '''error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it.''' * I know, indeed, that some honest men fear that a republican government can not be strong, that this Government is not strong enough; but would the honest patriot, in the full tide of successful experiment, abandon a government which has so far kept us free and firm on the theoretic and visionary fear that [[Abraham Lincoln#Second_State_of_the_Union_address_(1862)|this Government, the world's best hope]], may by possibility want energy to preserve itself? I trust not. * Sometimes it is said that man can not be trusted with the government of himself. '''Can he, then, be trusted with the government of others? Or have we found angels in the forms of kings to govern him? Let history answer this question.''' * With all these blessings, what more is necessary to make us a happy and prosperous people? Still one thing more, fellow-citizens,—'''A wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. This is the sum of good government''', and this is necessary to close the circle of our felicities. * About to enter, fellow-citizens, on the exercise of duties which comprehend everything dear and valuable to you, it is proper you should understand what I deem the essential principles of our Government, and consequently those which ought to shape its Administration. I will compress them within the narrowest compass they will bear, stating the general principle, but not all its limitations. '''Equal and exact justice to all men, of whatever state or persuasion, religious or political; peace, commerce, and honest friendship with all nations, entangling alliances with none; the support of the State governments in all their rights, as the most competent administrations for our domestic concerns and the surest bulwarks against antirepublican tendencies; the preservation of the General Government in its whole constitutional vigor, as the sheet anchor of our peace at home and safety abroad; a jealous care of the right of election by the people -- a mild and safe corrective of abuses which are lopped by the sword of revolution where peaceable remedies are unprovided; absolute acquiescence in the decisions of the majority, the vital principle of republics, from which is no appeal but to force, the vital principle and immediate parent of despotism; a well-disciplined militia, our best reliance in peace and for the first moments of war till regulars may relieve them; the supremacy of the civil over the military authority; economy in the public expense, that labor may be lightly burthened; the honest payment of our debts and sacred preservation of the public faith; encouragement of agriculture, and of commerce as its handmaid; the diffusion of information and arraignment of all abuses at the bar of the public reason; freedom of religion; freedom of the press, and freedom of person under the protection of the ''habeas corpus'', and trial by juries impartially selected. These principles''' form the bright constellation which has gone before us and guided our steps through an age of revolution and reformation. The wisdom of our sages and blood of our heroes have been devoted to their attainment. They''' should be the creed of our political faith, the text of civic instruction, the touchstone by which to try the services of those we trust; and should we wander from them in moments of error or of alarm, let us hasten to retrace our steps and to regain the road which alone leads to peace, liberty, and safety.''' * I repair, then, fellow-citizens, to the post you have assigned me. With experience enough in subordinate offices to have seen the difficulties of this the greatest of all, '''I have learnt to expect that it will rarely fall to the lot of imperfect man to retire from this station with the reputation and the favor which bring him into it.''' * I shall often go wrong through defect of judgment. When right, I shall often be thought wrong by those whose positions will not command a view of the whole ground. '''I ask your indulgence for my own errors, which will never be intentional, and your support against the errors of others, who may condemn what they would not if seen in all its parts'''. * I advance with obedience to the work, '''ready to retire from it whenever you become sensible how much better choice it is in your power to make'''. ==== First Presidential Administration (1801&ndash;1805) ==== * '''Yours is one of the few lives precious to mankind, and for the continuance of which every thinking man is solicitous. Bigots may be an exception.''' What an effort, my dear sir, of bigotry in politics and religion have we gone through! The barbarians really flattered themselves they should be able to bring back the times of Vandalism, when ignorance put everything into the hands of power and priestcraft. All advances in science were proscribed as innovations. They pretended to praise and encourage education, but it was to be the education of our ancestors. '''We were to look backwards, not forwards, for improvement ... This was the real ground of all the attacks on you.''' Those who live by mystery & ''charlatanerie'', fearing you would render them useless by simplifying the Christian philosophy — the most sublime and benevolent, but most perverted system that ever shone on man — endeavored to crush your well-earned & well-deserved fame. ** [http://eText.Lib.Virginia.edu/etcbin/toccer-new2?id=JefLett.sgm&images=images/modeng&data=/texts/english/modeng/parsed&tag=public&part=136&division=div1 Letter] to Dr. [[Joseph Priestley]] (21 March 1801); published in ''The Life of Thomas Jefferson'' (1871) by Henry Stephens Randall, Vol. 2, p. 644; this seems to be the source of a misleading abbreviation: "[Christianity is] the most ... perverted system that ever shone on man". * It is rare that the public sentiment decides immorally or unwisely, and the individual who differs from it ought to distrust and examine well his own opinion. ** Letter to William Findley, Washington (21 March 1801); published in ''Thomas Jefferson - A chronology of his thoughts'' (2002) by Jerry Holmes, [http://books.google.de/books?id=iOHNKGJGo94C&pg=PA175&lpg=PA175&dq=It+is+rare+that+the+public+sentiment+decides+immorally+or+unwisely,+and+the+individual+who+differs+from+it+ought+to+distrust+and+examine+well+his+own+opinion&source=bl&ots=lUHnglNeTO&sig=OfEnoz8qmlxJq-5jIEvC8dD1hOk&hl=de&sa=X&ei=V_zAUPqeCsjGtAaZ-YGYDQ&ved=0CEMQ6AEwAzgK#v=onepage&q=It%20is%20rare%20that%20the%20public%20sentiment%20decides%20immorally%20or%20unwisely%2C%20and%20the%20individual%20who%20differs%20from%20it%20ought%20to%20distrust%20and%20examine%20well%20his%20own%20opinion&f=false p. 175] * Of the various executive abilities, no one excited more anxious concern than that of placing the interests of our fellow-citizens in the hands of honest men, with understanding sufficient for their stations. No duty is at the same time more difficult to fulfil. The knowledge of character possessed by a single individual is of necessity limited. To seek out the best through the whole Union, we must resort to the information which from the best of men, acting disinterestedly and with the purest motives, is sometimes incorrect. ** Letter to Elias Shipman and others of New Haven (12 July 1801). Paraphrased in John B. McMaster, ''History of the People of the United States'' (ii. 586): "One sentence will undoubtedly be remembered till our republic ceases to exist. 'No duty the Executive had to perform was so trying,' [Jefferson] observed, 'as to put the right man in the right place.'" * '''If a due participation of office is a matter of right, how are vacancies to be obtained? Those by death are few; by resignation, none.''' ** Letter to Elias Shipman and others of New Haven (12 July 1801). Often misquoted as, "few die and none resign". * I am sorry the person recommended has not been agreeable to all the republicans, but I am more concerned to see in this disapprobation a germ of division which, if not smothered, will continue you under that rule from which union is relieving our fellow citizens in other states. It is disheartening to see, on the approaching crisis of election, a division of that description of Republicans, which has certainly no strength to spare. But, my dear friend, '''if we do not learn to sacrifice small differences of opinion, we can never act together. Every man cannot have his way in all things. If his own opinion prevails at some times, he should acquiesce on seeing that of others preponderate at others. Without this mutual disposition we are disjointed individuals, but not a society.''' My position is painful enough between federalists who cry out on the first touch of their monopoly, and republicans who clamor for universal removal. A subdivision of the latter will increase the perplexity. I am proceeding with deliberation and inquiry to do what I think just to both descriptions and conciliatory to both. '''The greatest good we can do our country is to heal it’s party divisions & make them one people. I do not speak of their leaders who are incurable, but of the honest and well-intentioned body of the people.''' I consider the pure [[w:Federalist Party|federalist]] as a republican who would prefer a somewhat stronger executive; and the [[w:Democratic-Republican Party|republican]] as one more willing to trust the legislature as a broader representation of the people, and a safer deposit of power for many reasons. But both sects are republican, entitled to the confidence of their fellow citizens. Not so their quondam leaders, covering under the mask of federalism hearts devoted to monarchy. The [[w:Alexander Hamilton|Hamiltonians]], the [http://www.monticello.org/mulberry-row/people/essex Essex-men], the revolutionary [[w:Loyalist (American Revolution)|tories]] &c. They have a right to tolerance, but neither to confidence nor power. It is very important that the pure federalist and republican should see in the opinion of each other but a shade of his own, which by a union of action will be lessened by one-half: that they should see & fear the monarchist as their common enemy, on whom they should keep their eyes, but keep off their hands. ** [[w:Thomas Jefferson|Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[w:John Dickinson (politician)|John Dickinson]] (23 July 1801), published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://files.libertyfund.org/files/757/0054-09_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;9], pp.&nbsp;280-282. * The [[w:1800 United States Census|new Census]] shews our increase to be in the geometrical ratio of 3 1/6 pr. cent annually which gives a duplication in 22 y— 3 m equal to the most sanguine of our calculations. '''We are already about the 7th. of the Christian nations in population''', but holding a higher place in substantial abilities. If we can keep at peace for our time the next generation will have nothing to fear but from their '''own''' want of moderation in the use of their strength. ** Letter to [[w:Gouverneur Morris|Gouverneur Morris]] (Washington, 1 Nov. 1801)[http://books.google.com/books?ei=QCErUJm8Isa40QGxpYGQDw&id=g40TAQAAMAAJ&dq=%22moderation+in+the+use+of+their+strength%22+%22prc%22&q=+%22gouverneur+morris+1+november%22#search_anchor]. In ''The Papers of Thomas Jefferson, Volume 35: 1 August to 30 November 1801'', Barbara B. Oberg, ed., [[w:Princeton University Press|Princeton]], 2008, {{ISBN|0691137730}} {{ISBN|9780691137735}}, p. 545. [http://books.google.com/books?id=g40TAQAAMAAJ&q=%22we+are+already+about+the+7th.+of+the+Christian+nations+in+population%22&dq=%22we+are+already+about+the+7th.+of+the+Christian+nations+in+population%22&source=bl&ots=l-3X05AYj4&sig=5A2f5Vb2jWfHIp_u-GWCr57V3Wk&hl=en&sa=X&ei=xBorUKeTD4Sa8gTI14Eo&ved=0CDcQ6AEwAQ]<br>Editor's notes at bottom of letter: PrC (DLC); at foot of text: ''"Gouverneur Morris esq." 1 Word underlined''. [PrC=press copy; DLC= Library of Congress. ''See'' "EDITORIAL METHOD AND APPARATUS", sec. 3, "Descriptive Symbols," xvi-xvii[http://books.google.com/books?ei=QCErUJm8Isa40QGxpYGQDw&id=g40TAQAAMAAJ&dq=%22moderation+in+the+use+of+their+strength%22+%22prc%22&q=%22editorial+method+and+apparatus%22#search_anchor] Editor notes that "All manuscripts of the above types are assumed to be in the hand of the author of the document to which the descriptive symbol pertains."). In manuscript to G. Morris, Jefferson underlined the word ''own.''] [http://books.google.com/books?id=g40TAQAAMAAJ&q=%22moderation+in+the+use+of+their+strength%22+%22prc%22&dq=%22moderation+in+the+use+of+their+strength%22+%22prc%22&source=bl&ots=l-3X05B3f4&sig=zI61eSTLmF8oS_39uH_czY69CEo&hl=en&sa=X&ei=QCErUJm8Isa40QGxpYGQDw&ved=0CC8Q6AEwAA] * Considering the general tendency to multiply offices and dependencies and to increase expense to the ultimate term of burden which the citizen can bear, it behooves us to avail ourselves of every occasion which presents itself for taking off the surcharge; that it never may be seen here that, after leaving to labor the smallest portion of its earnings on which it can subsist, Government shall itself consume the whole residue of what it was instituted to guard. ** [[s:Thomas Jefferson's First State of the Union Address|Thomas Jefferson's First State of the Union Address]] (8 December 1801) * I can not omit recommending a revisal of the laws on the subject of naturalization. Considering the ordinary chances of human life, a denial of citizenship under a residence of 14 years is a denial to a great proportion of those who ask it, and controls a policy pursued from their 1st settlement by many of these States, and still believed of consequence to their prosperity; and shall we refuse to the unhappy fugitives from distress that hospitality which the savages of the wilderness extended to our fathers arriving in this land? Shall oppressed humanity find no asylum on this globe? The Constitution indeed has wisely provided that for admission to certain offices of important trust a residence shall be required sufficient to develop character and design. But might not the general character and capabilities of a citizen be safely communicated to everyone manifesting a bona fide purpose of embarking his life and fortunes permanently with us, with restrictions, perhaps, to guard against the fraudulent usurpation of our flag, an abuse which brings so much embarrassment and loss on the genuine citizen and so much danger to the nation of being involved in war that no endeavor should be spared to detect and suppress it? ** [[s:Thomas Jefferson's First State of the Union Address|Thomas Jefferson's First State of the Union Address]] (8 December 1801) * They have retired into the Judiciary as a stronghold. There the remains of federalism are to be preserved and fed from the Treasury; and from that battery all the works of republicanism are to be beaten down and erased. ** Letter to J. Dickinson (19 December 1801) * Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between man and his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legislative powers of government reach actions only, and not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should ''"make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,"'' thus '''building a wall of separation between church and State'''. ** Letter to Danbury Baptist Association, CT. (1 January 1802) This statement is the origin of the often used phrase ''"separation of Church and State"''. * If we can but prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people, under the pretense of taking care of them, they must become happy. ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-39-02-0070 Letter to Thomas Cooper (29 November 1802)] * '''To the corruptions of Christianity I am indeed opposed; but not to the genuine precepts of [[Jesus]] himself.''' I am a Christian, in the only sense he wished any one to be; sincerely attached to his doctrines, in preference to all others; ascribing to himself every human excellence; & believing he never claimed any other. ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-40-02-0178-0001 Letter to Benjamin Rush (12 April 1803)] * '''His parentage was obscure; his condition poor; his education null; his natural endowments great; his life correct and innocent: he was meek, benevolent, patient, firm, disinterested, & of the sublimest eloquence.'''<br>The disadvantages under which his doctrines appear are remarkable.<br>1. Like [[Socrates]] & [[Epictetus]], he wrote nothing himself.<br>2. But he had not, like them, a [[w:Xenophon|Xenophon]] or an [[w:Arrian|Arrian]] to write for him. On the contrary, all the learned of his country, entrenched in its power and riches, were opposed to him, lest his labors should undermine their advantages; and the committing to writing his life & doctrines fell on the most unlettered & ignorant men; who wrote, too, from memory, & not till long after the transactions had passed.<br>3. According to the ordinary fate of those who attempt to enlighten and reform mankind, he fell an early victim to the jealousy & combination of the altar and the throne, at about 33. years of age, his reason having not yet attained the maximum of its energy, nor the course of his preaching, which was but of 3. years at most, presented occasions for developing a complete system of morals.<br>4. Hence the doctrines which he really delivered were defective as a whole, and fragments only of what he did deliver have come to us mutilated, misstated, & often unintelligible.<br>5. They have been still more disfigured by the corruptions of schismatising followers, who have found an interest in sophisticating & perverting the simple doctrines he taught by engrafting on them the mysticisms of a Grecian sophist, frittering them into subtleties, & obscuring them with jargon, until they have caused good men to reject the whole in disgust, & to view Jesus himself as an impostor.<br>Notwithstanding these disadvantages, a system of morals is presented to us, which, if filled up in the true style and spirit of the rich fragments he left us, would be the most perfect and sublime that has ever been taught by man.<br>The question of his being a member of the Godhead, or in direct communication with it, claimed for him by some of his followers, and denied by others, is foreign to the present view, which is merely an estimate of the intrinsic merit of his doctrines.<br>1. He corrected the Deism of the Jews, confirming them in their belief of one only God, and giving them juster notions of his attributes and government.<br>2. His moral doctrines, relating to kindred & friends, were more pure & perfect than those of the most correct of the philosophers, and greatly more so than those of the Jews; and they went far beyond both in inculcating universal philanthropy, not only to kindred and friends, to neighbors and countrymen, but to all mankind, gathering all into one family, under the bonds of love, charity, peace, common wants and common aids. A development of this head will evince the peculiar superiority of the system of Jesus over all others.<br>3. The precepts of philosophy, & of the Hebrew code, laid hold of actions only. He pushed his scrutinies into the heart of man; erected his tribunal in the region of his thoughts, and purified the waters at the fountain head.<br>4. He taught, emphatically, the doctrines of a future state, which was either doubted, or disbelieved by the Jews; and wielded it with efficacy, as an important incentive, supplementary to the other motives to moral conduct. ** [http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/jeff1122.htm "Syllabus of an Estimate of the Merit of the Doctrines of Jesus, Compared with Those of Others" in a letter to Benjamin Rush (12 April 1803)]. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-09_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;9 ''Works'' Vol. 9 (PDF)], pp.&nbsp;462 * I never will, by any word or act, bow to the shrine of intolerance, or admit a right of inquiry into the religious opinions of others. ** Letter to [[w:Edward Dowse|Edward Dowse]] (19 April 1803) * '''There is no act, however virtuous, for which ingenuity may not find some bad motive.''' ** Letter to Edward Dowse (19 April 1803) * The inhabitants of the ceded territory shall be incorporated in the Union of the United States, and admitted as soon as possible, according to the principles of the Federal constitution, to the enjoyment of all the rights, advantages, and immunities, of citizens of the United States; and, in the mean time, they shall be maintained and protected in the free enjoyment of their liberty, property, and the religion which they profess. ** Louisiana Treaty of Cession, Art. III (30 April 1803) * The Constitution has made no provision for our holding foreign territory, still less for incorporating foreign nations into our Union. The Executive, in seizing the fugitive occurrence which so much advances the good of their country, have done an act beyond the Constitution. The Legislature, in casting behind them metaphysical subtleties and risking themselves like faithful servants, must ratify and pay for it, and throw themselves on their country for doing for them unauthorized what we know they would have done for themselves had they been in a situation to do it. ** On the Louisiana Purchase, Letter to John Breckinridge (12 August 1803) * Louisiana, as ceded by France to the United States, is made a part of the United States; its white inhabitants shall be citizens, and stand, as to their rights and obligations, on the same footing with other citizens of the United States, in analogous situations. ** Draft of proposed Amendment to the Constitution by Jefferson, who thought an amendment would be necessary to authorize the Louisiana Purchase to be incorporated into the United States (August 1803) * I observe an idea of establishing a branch bank of the United States in New Orleans. This institution is one of the most deadly hostility existing against the principles and form of our Constitution. The nation is at this time so strong and united in its sentiments that it cannot be shaken at this moment. But suppose a series of untoward events should occur sufficient to bring into doubt the competency of a republican government to meet a crisis of great danger, or to unhinge the confidence of the people in the public functionaries; an institution like this, penetrating by its branches every part of the union, acting by command and in phalanx may, in a critical moment, upset the government. I deem no government safe which is under the vassalage of any self-constituted authorities, or any other authority than that of the nation or its regular functionaries. What an obstruction could not this Bank of the United States, with al its branch banks, be in time of war! It might dictate to us the peace we should accept, or withdraw its aids. Ought we then to give further growth to an institution so powerful, so hostile? ** [http://etext.virginia.edu/jefferson/biog/lj34.htm Letter to Albert Gallatin (13 December 1803)] ME 10:437 : ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' "Memorial Edition" (20 Vols., 1903-04) edited by [[w:Andrew A. Lipscomb|Andrew A. Lipscomb]] and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. 10, p. 437 * I see too many proofs of the imperfection of human reason, to entertain wonder or intolerance at any difference of opinion on any subject; and acquiesce in that difference as easily as on a difference of feature or form; '''experience''' having long '''taught me the reasonableness of mutual sacrifices of opinion among those who are to act together for any common object, and the expediency of doing what good we can, when we cannot do all we would wish.''' ** Letter to [[w:John Randolph of Roanoke|John Randolph]] (1 December 1803), published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://files.libertyfund.org/files/806/0054-10_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;109], pp.&nbsp;54 * No experiment can be more interesting than that we are now trying, and which we trust will end in establishing the fact, that '''man may be governed by reason and truth. Our first object should therefore be, to leave open to him all the avenues to truth. The most effectual hitherto found, is the freedom of the press. It is, therefore, the first shut up by those who fear the investigation of their actions.''' ** [http://www.constitution.org/tj/jeff11.txt Letter to Judge John Tyler] (June 28, 1804); in: ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', Memorial Edition (ME) (Lipscomb and Bergh, editors), 20 Vols., Washington, D.C., 1903-04, Volume 11, page 33 * You seem to think it devolved on the judges to decide on the validity of the sedition law. but nothing in the constitution has given them a right to decide for the executive, more than to the Executive to decide for them. Both magistracies are equally independant in the sphere of action assigned to them. The judges, believing the law constitutional, had a right to pass a sentence of fine and imprisonment; because that power was placed in their hands by the constitution. But the Executive, believing the law to be unconstitutional, was bound to remit the execution of it; because that power has been confided to him by the constitution '''That instrument(The Constitution) meant that its coordinate branches should be checks on each other. But the opinion which gives to the judges the right to decide what laws are constitutional and what not, not only for themselves in their own sphere of action but for the Legislature and Executive also in their spheres, would make the Judiciary a despotic branch.''' ** Letter to [[Abigail Adams]] about the Sedition Acts (1804) [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/99-01-02-0348] ==== Second Inaugural Address (1805) ==== : <small>[[s:Thomas Jefferson's Second Inaugural Address|Thomas Jefferson's Second Inaugural Address]] (4 March 1805)</small> * We are firmly convinced, and we act on that conviction, that with nations, as with individuals, our interests, soundly calculated, will ever be found inseparable from our moral duties; and history bears witness to the fact that a just nation is taken on its word, when recourse is had to armaments and wars to bridle others. * These contributions [federal taxes on consumption of foreign goods] enable us to support the current expenses of the Government, to fulfill contracts with foreign nations, to extinguish the native right of soil within our limits, to extend those limits, and to apply such a surplus to our [[public debts]] as places at a short day their final redemption, and that redemption [of debt] once effected," he said, "the revenue thereby liberated may, by a just repartition among the States and a corresponding amendment of the Constitution, be applied, ''in time of peace'', to rivers, canals, roads, arts, manufactures, education, and other great objects within each State. ''In time of war'',—if injustice, by ourselves or others, must sometimes produce war,— increased as the same revenue will be increased by population and consumption, and aided by other resources reserved for that crisis, it may meet within the year all the expenses of the year without encroaching on the rights of future generations by burdening them with the debts of the past. War will then be but a suspension of useful works, and a return to a state of peace a return to the progress of improvement. ** Advising the origination of an annual fund from surplus revenue. ==== Second Presidential Administration (1805-1809) ==== [[File:Harriet Tubman Civil War Woodcut.jpg|thumb|For a people who are free, and who mean to remain so, a well organized and armed militia is their best security.]] [[File:Captive Slave.jpg|thumb|I congratulate you, fellow citizens, on the approach of the period at which you may interpose your authority constitutionally to withdraw the citizens of the United States from all further participation in [[Slavery|those violations of human rights]] which have been so long continued on the unoffending inhabitants of Africa, and which the morality, the reputation, and the best of our country have long been eager to proscribe.]] [[File:Motto frederick douglass 2.jpg|thumb|Nobody wishes more than I do to see such proofs as you exhibit, that nature has given to [[w:African American|our black brethren]], talents equal to those of the other colors of men.]] [[File:Unidentified Artist - Frederick Douglass - Google Art Project-restore.png|thumb|Be assured that no person living wishes more sincerely than I do, to see a complete refutation of the doubts I have myself entertained and expressed on the grade of understanding allotted to [[w:African American|them]] by nature, and to find that in this respect [[w:African American|they]] are on a par with ourselves.]] [[File:GodfreyKneller-IsaacNewton-1689.jpg|thumb|But whatever be [[w:African American|their]] degree of talent it is no measure of [[w:African American|their]] rights. Because Sir Isaac Newton was superior to others in understanding, he was not therefore lord of the person or property of others.]] [[File:Frederick Douglas NYHS c1866.jpg|thumb|On this subject they are gaining daily in the opinions of nations, and hopeful advances are making towards their reestablishment on an equal footing with the other colors of the human family.]] * The question therefore now comes forward, To what other objects shall these surpluses be appropriated, and the whole surplus of impost, after the entire discharge of the [[public debt]], and during those intervals when the purposes of war shall not call for them? Shall we suppress the impost and give that advantage to foreign over domestic manufactures? On a few articles of more general and necessary use the suppression in due season will doubtless be right, but the great mass of the articles on which impost is paid are foreign luxuries, purchased by those only who are rich enough to afford themselves the use of them. <br> Their patriotism would certainly prefer its continuance and application to the great purposes of the public education, roads, rivers, canals, and such other objects of public improvement as it may be thought proper to add to the constitutional enumeration of Federal powers. By these operations new channels of communications will be opened between the States, the lines of separation will disappear, their interests will be identified, and their union cemented by new and indissoluble ties. Education is here placed among the articles of public care, not that it would be proposed to take its ordinary branches out of the hands of private enterprise, which manages so much better all the concerns to which it is equal, but a public institution can alone supply those sciences which though rarely called for are yet necessary to complete the circle, all the parts of which contribute to the improvement of the country and some of them to its preservation. ** [[s:Thomas Jefferson's Sixth State of the Union Address|Thomas Jefferson's Sixth State of the Union Address]] (2 December 1806). Advising the origination of an annual fund to be spent through new constitutional powers (by new amendments) from projected surplus revenue. * '''I congratulate you, fellow citizens, on the approach of the period at which you may interpose your authority constitutionally to withdraw the citizens of the United States from all further participation in [[Slavery|those violations of human rights]] which have been so long continued on the un-offending inhabitants of Africa, and which the morality, the reputation, and the best of our country have long been eager to proscribe.''' Although no law you may pass can take prohibitory effect until the first day of the year 1808, yet the intervening period is not too long to prevent by timely notice expeditions which can not be completed before that day. ** [[s:Thomas Jefferson's Sixth State of the Union Address|Thomas Jefferson's Sixth State of the Union Address]] (2 December 1806) * Whensoever hostile aggressions...require a resort to war, we must meet our duty and convince the world that we are just friends and brave enemies. ** Letter to [[Andrew Jackson]] (3 December 1806) * Agreeably to the request of the House of Representatives, communicated in their resolution of the 16th instant, I proceed to state under the reserve therein expressed, information received touching an illegal combination of private individuals against the peace and safety of the Union, and a military expedition planned by them against the territories of a power in amity with the United States, with the measures I have pursued for suppressing the same.... : But by information received yesterday I learn that on the 22d of December, Mr. Burr descended the Cumberland with two boats merely of accommodation, carrying with him from that State no quota toward his unlawful enterprise. Whether after the arrival of the proclamation, of the orders, or of our agent, any exertion which could be made by that State, or the orders of the governor of Kentucky for calling out the militia at the mouth of Cumberland, would be in time to arrest these boats, and those from the falls of the Ohio, is still doubtful. :* Special Message to Congress on the Burr Conspiracy, declaring his former Vice President an illegal conspirator and a fugitive from justice (22 January 1807) * Blest is that nation whose silent course of happiness furnishes nothing for history to say. ** Letter to Count Diodati (29 March 1807) * we have heard as yet only the proceedings of the first day of Burr’s trial, which from the favor of the Marshal and judge promises him all which can depend on them. A grand jury of two federalists, four (Tertium) Quids and ten republicans does not seem to be a fair representation of the state of Virginia. But all this will shew the original error of establishing a judiciary independant of the nation, and which, from the citadel of the law can turn it’s guns on those they were meant to defend, and controul and fashion their proceedings to it’s own will. I have always entertained a high opinion of the Marshal’s integrity and political correctness. But, in a state where there are not more than eight Quids, how five of them should have been summoned on one jury is difficult to explain from accident. ** Letter to John W. Eppes (28 May 1807) [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/99-01-02-5646] * To your request of my opinion of the manner in which a newspaper should be conducted, so as to be most useful, I should answer, "by restraining it to true facts & sound principles only." Yet I fear such a paper would find few subscribers. '''It is a melancholy truth, that a suppression of the press could not more completely deprive the nation of its benefits, than is done by its abandoned prostitution to falsehood. Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper. Truth itself becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle. The real extent of this state of misinformation is known only to those who are in situations to confront facts within their knowledge with the lies of the day.''' . . . I will add, that the man who never looks into a newspaper is better informed than he who reads them; inasmuch as he who knows nothing is nearer to truth than he whose mind is filled with falsehoods & errors. He who reads nothing will still learn the great facts, and the details are all false. ** Letter to [[w:John Norvell|John Norvell]] (11 June 1807). [https://www.loc.gov/resource/mtj1.038_0592_0594/?sp=2&st=text Original and transcript] * After long and fruitless endeavors to effect the purposes of their mission and to obtain arrangements within the limits of their instructions, they concluded to sign such as could be obtained and to send them for consideration, candidly declaring to the other negotiators at the same time that they were acting against their instructions, and that their Government, therefore, could not be pledged for ratification.... <br> Whether a regular army is to be raised, and to what extent, must depend on the information so shortly expected. In the mean time I have called on the States for quotas of militia, to be in readiness for present defense, and have, moreover, encouraged the acceptance of volunteers; and I am happy to inform you that these have offered themselves with great alacrity in every part of the Union. They are ordered to be organized and ready at a moment's warning to proceed on any service to which they may be called, and every preparation within the Executive powers has been made to insure us the benefit of early exertions. ** [[s:Thomas Jefferson's Seventh State of the Union Address|Thomas Jefferson's Seventh State of the Union Address]] (27 October 1807). Description of the negotiations and rejected treaty of James Monroe and William Pinkney with Britain over maritime rights, and subsequent negotiations over the British sinking of the American ship ''Chesapeake'', leading to an American embargo (The Embargo Act). * Yours of July 27 is received. It confirms the accounts we receive from others that the infractions of the embargo in Maine and Massachusetts are open. I have removed Pope, of New Bedford, for worse than negligence. The collector of Sullivan is on the totter. The Tories of Boston openly threaten insurrection if their importation of flour is stopped. The next post will stop it. I fear your Governor [Sullivan] is not up to the tone of these parricides, and I hope on the first symptom of an open opposition of the law by force you will fly to the scene, and aid in suppressing any commotion. ** Letter to General Henry Dearborn, Secretary of War (August 9, 1808) in regards to enforcing the American embargo. * '''For a people who are free, and who mean to remain so, a well organized and armed militia is their best security.''' ** [[s:Thomas Jefferson's Eighth State of the Union Address|Thomas Jefferson's Eighth State of the Union Address]] (8 November 1808) * Our opinion here is that that place has been so deeply concerned in smuggling, that if it wants it is because it has illegally sent away what it ought to have retained for its own consumption. ** Letter to Lieutenant Governor Levi Lincoln of Massachusetts (November 13, 1808) concerning a petition from the island of Nantucket for food during the American embargo. * My religious reading has long been confined to the moral branch of religion, which is the same in all religions; while in that branch which consists of dogmas, all differ[.] ** Letter to [[w:Thomas Leiper|Thomas Leiper]] (11 January 1809). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;11], pp.&nbsp;89 * I thought Congress had taken their ground firmly for continuing their embargo till June, and then war. But a sudden and unaccountable revolution of opinion took place the last week, chiefly among the New England and New York members, and in a kind of panic they voted the 4th of March for removing the embargo, and by such a majority as gave all reason to believe they would not agree either to war or non-intercourse. This, too, was after we had become satisfied that the Essex Junto had found their expectation desperate, of inducing the people there either to separation or forcible opposition. The majority of Congress, however, has now rallied to the removing the embargo on the 4th March, non-intercourse with France and Great Britain, trade everywhere else, and continuing war preparations. The further details are not yet settled, but I believe it is perfectly certain that the embargo will be taken off the 4th of March. ** Letter to his son-in-law Thomas Mann Randolph (7 February 1809) on the termination of the American embargo. * I shall within a few days divest myself of the anxieties and the labors with which I have been oppressed, and retire with inexpressible delight to my family, my friends, my farms, and books. There I may indulge at length in that tranquillity and those pursuits from which I have been divorced by the character of the times in which I have lived, and which have forced me into the line of political life under a sense of duty and against a great and constant aversion to it. ** Letter to David Baillie Warden (25 February 1809) * I have received the favor of your letter of August 17th, and with it the volume you were so kind as to send me on the ''Literature of Negroes''. Be assured that no person living wishes more sincerely than I do, to see a complete refutation of the doubts I have myself entertained and expressed on the grade of understanding allotted to them by nature, and to find that in this respect they are on a par with ourselves. My doubts were the result of personal observation on the limited sphere of my own State, where the opportunities for the development of their genius were not favorable, and those of exercising it still less so. I expressed them therefore with great hesitation; but '''whatever be [[w:African American|their]] degree of talent it is no measure of [[w:African American|their]] rights. Because Sir [[Isaac Newton]] was superior to others in understanding, he was not therefore lord of the person or property of others. On this subject [[w:African American|they]] are gaining daily in the opinions of nations, and hopeful advances are making towards their reestablishment on an equal footing with the other colors of the human family'''. I pray you therefore to accept my thanks for the many instances you have enabled me to observe of respectable intelligence in that race of men, which cannot fail to have effect in hastening the day of their relief; [...]. ** [http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/r?ammem/mtj:@field(DOCID+@lit(tj110052)) Letter to Henri Grégoire] (25 February 1809), as quoted in ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes. Federal Edition''. Collected and Edited by Paul Leicester Ford. Also quoted in ''The Science and Politics of Racial Research'' by William H. Tucker (1994), p. 11 ==== Post-Presidency (1809) ==== * I am convinced our own happiness requires that we should continue to mix with the world, and to keep pace with it as it goes; and that every person who retires from free communication with it is severely punished afterwards by the state of mind into which he gets, and which can only be prevented by feeding our sociable principles. I can speak from experience on this subject. From 1793 to 1797 I remained closely at home, saw none but those who came there, and at length became very sensible of the ill effect it had on my own mind, and of its direct and irresistible tendency to render me unfit for society and uneasy when necessarily engaged in it. I felt enough of the effect of withdrawing from the world then to see that it led to an anti-social and misanthropic state of mind, which severely punishes him who gives in to it; and it will be a lesson I never shall forget as to myself. ** Letter to Maria Jefferson Eppes (8 March 1809) * If, in my retirement to the humble station of a private citizen, I am accompanied with the esteem and approbation of my fellow citizens, trophies obtained by the bloodstained steel, or the tattered flags of the tented field, will never be envied. '''The care of human life and happiness, and not their destruction, is the first and only legitimate object of good government.''' ** [https://www.bartleby.com/73/778.html Letter to the Republican Citizens of Washington County, Maryland (31 March 1809), published in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1871), edited by H. A. Washington, Vol. 8, p. 165] * I have often thought that nothing would do more extensive good at small expense than the establishment of a small circulating library in every county, to consist of a few well-chosen books, to be lent to the people of the country under regulations as would secure their safe return in due time. ** Letter to John Wyche (19 May 1809) * '''Nothing was or is farther from my intentions, than to enlist myself as the champion of a fixed opinion, where I have only expressed doubt.''' ** Letter to [[Joel Barlow]] (8 October 1809); Jefferson here expresses an aversion to supporting the "fixed opinion" that blacks were not equal to whites in general mental capacities, which he asserts in his ''Notes on the State of Virginia'' he had advanced as "a suspicion only". * It has always been denied by the republican party in this country, that the Constitution had given the power of incorporation to Congress. On the establishment of the Bank of the United States, this was the great ground on which that establishment was combated; and the party prevailing supported it only on the argument of its being an incident to the power given them for raising money. ** Letter to Dr. Maese (1809) ME 12:231 : ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' "Memorial Edition" (20 Vols., 1903-04) edited by [[w:Andrew A. Lipscomb|Andrew A. Lipscomb]] and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. 12, p. 231; also quoted at [http://etext.virginia.edu/jefferson/quotations/jeff1325.htm "Thomas Jefferson on Politics & Government : Money & Banking" at University of Virginia] * The selfish spirit of commerce knows no country, and feels no passion or principle but that of gain. ** Letter to Larkin Smith (1809) * In a democratic republic, where the mass of the people of all parties have the same interest at stake, some respect must be had to the feelings and wishes of the minority, especially when that minority is large and clamorous; otherwise, it will be impossible to avoid discord, and discord weakens the bonds of union. ** Account of a conversation with Col. Richard M. Johnson in 1809, as recounted in ''A Biographical Sketch of Col. Richard M. Johnson of Kentucky,'' p.12 (Saxton & Miles, New York, 1843) === 1810s === [[File:Empyrean Light and Shadows of Salvation.jpg|thumb|He who steadily observes the moral precepts in which all religions concur, will never be questioned at the gates of heaven as to the dogmas in which they all differ.]] [[File:Epicurus-PergamonMuseum.png|thumb|I consider the genuine (not the imputed) doctrines of [[Epicurus]] as containing everything rational in moral philosophy which Greece and Rome have left us.]] [[File:Castle Romeo.jpg|thumb|Not in our day, but at no distant one, we may shake a rod over the heads of all, which may make the stoutest of them tremble. But I hope our wisdom will grow with our power, and teach us, that the less we use our power, the greater it will be.]] [[File:Diagram of the Federal Government and American Union edit.jpg|thumb|No government can be maintained without the principle of fear as well as of duty. Good men will obey the last, but bad ones the former only.]] [[File:ThomasJeffersonbySully1821.jpg|thumb|If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be.]] [[File:Jefferson's Works - Project Gutenberg eText 16781.jpg|thumb|The functionaries of every government have propensities to command at will the liberty and property of their constituents. There is no safe deposit for these but with the people themselves, nor can they be safe with them without information. Where the press is free, and every man able to read, all is safe.]] [[File:Jefferson Bible.jpg|thumb|It is a document in [[proof]] that I am a real [[Christian]], that is to say, a disciple of the [[doctrines]] of [[Jesus]], very different from the Platonists, who call me infidel and themselves Christians and preachers of the gospel, while they draw all their characteristic [[dogmas]] from what its author never said nor saw.]] [[File:Jefferson statue at Monticello.jpg|thumb|Although we are free by the law, we are not so in practice.]] [[File:Jeffersonstatue.jpg|thumb|It is to be hoped that individual dispositions will at length mould themselves to the model of the law, and consider the moral basis, on which all our religions rest, as the rallying point which unites them in a common interest; while the peculiar dogmas branching from it are the exclusive concern of the respective sects embracing them, and no rightful subject of notice to any other.]] * That we are overdone with banking institutions which have banished the precious metals and substituted a more fluctuating and unsafe medium, that these have withdrawn capital from useful improvements and employments to nourish idleness, that the wars of the world have swollen our commerce beyond the wholesome limits of exchanging our own productions for our own wants, and that, for the emolument of a small proportion of our society who prefer these demoralizing pursuits to labors useful to the whole, the peace of the whole is endangered and all our present difficulties produced, are evils more easily to be deplored than remedied. ** Letter to Abbe Salimankis (1810) ME 12:379 ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' "Memorial Edition" (20 Vols., 1903-04) edited by [[w:Andrew A. Lipscomb|Andrew A. Lipscomb]] and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. 12, p. 379; also quoted at [http://etext.virginia.edu/jefferson/quotations/jeff1325.htm "Thomas Jefferson on Politics & Government: Money & Banking" at University of Virginia] * Knowing that religion does not furnish grosser bigots than law, I expect little from old judges. ** Letter to Thomas Cooper (1810) * Our laws, language, religion, politics, & manners are so deeply laid in English foundations, that we shall never cease to consider their history as a part of ours, and to study ours in that as it’s origin. ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/03-03-02-0001-0002 Letter to William Duane] (August 12, 1810) * Politics, like religion, hold up the torches of martyrdom to the reformers of error. ** Letter to James Ogilvie (4 August 1811) * But though an old man, I am but a young gardener. ** Letter to Charles Willson Peale (20 August 1811) * The acquisition of Canada this year, as far as the neighborhood of Quebec, will be a mere matter of marching, and will give us experience for the attack of Halifax the next, and the final expulsion of England from the American continent. ** Statement during an early stage of the [[w:War of 1812|War of 1812]], in a letter to William Duane (4 August 1812) * <!-- Dear Sir,—Your favors of the 7th and 16th are received, and --> I now return you the memoir <!-- enclosed in the former. --> ... I am much gratified by its communication, because, as the plan appeared in the newspapers soon after the new Secretary of War came into office, we had given him the credit of it. '''Every line of it is replete with wisdom'''; and we might lament that our tardy enlistments prevented its execution, were we not to reflect that these proceeded from the happiness of our people at home. '''It is more a subject of joy that we have so few of the desperate characters which compose modern regular armies. But it proves more forcibly the necessity of obliging every citizen to be a soldier; this was the case with the Greeks and Romans, and must be that of every free State.''' Where there is no oppression there will be no pauper hirelings. We must train and classify the whole of our male citizens, and make military instruction a regular part of collegiate education. We can never be safe till this is done. ** Referring to the importance of well trained militia amidst the populations of the states and their preferability to standing armies, in a letter to [[James Monroe]] (19 June 1813), published [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/03-06-02-0188 Thomas Jefferson to James Monroe, 19 June 1813]; though most publications of the letter since the 1830s usually provide a date of 18 June 1813, the [http://memory.loc.gov/master/mss/mtj/mtj1/046/0800/0894.jpg actual manuscript seems to distinctly read "June 19 '13"]; a portion of this statement is sometimes paraphrased: "Every citizen should be a soldier." * '''He who steadily observes the moral precepts in which all religions concur, will never be questioned at the gates of heaven as to the dogmas in which they all differ.''' ** Letter to William Canby (18 September 1813) * '''Of all the systems of morality, ancient or modern, which have come under my observation, none appear to me so pure as that of Jesus. He who follows this steadily need not, I think, be uneasy, although he cannot comprehend the subtleties and mysteries erected on his doctrines by those who, calling themselves his special followers and favorites, would make him come into the world to lay snares for all understandings but theirs.''' These metaphysical heads, usurping the judgment seat of God, denounce as his enemies all who cannot perceive the Geometrical logic of [[Euclid]] in the demonstrations of St. [[w:Athanasius|Athanasius]], that three are one, and one is three; and yet that the one is not three nor the three one. ** Letter to William Canby (18 September 1813) * '''I agree with you that there is a natural aristocracy among men. The grounds of this are virtue and talents...''' The natural aristocracy I consider as the most precious gift of nature, for the instruction, the trusts, and government of society... Every one, by his property, or by his satisfactory situation, is interested in the support of law and order. And such men may safely and advantageously reserve to themselves a wholesome control over their public affairs, and a degree of freedom, which, in the hands of the ''canaille'' [the masses] of the cities of Europe, would be instantly perverted to the demolition and destruction of everything public and private. ** Letter to John Adams (28 October 1813) * [I]f ever there was a holy war, it was that which saved our liberties and gave us independence. ** Letter to John W. Eppes (6 November 1813). Reported in Albert Ellery Bergh, ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1907), p. 430 * I like well your idea of issuing treasury notes bearing interest, because I am persuaded they would soon be withdrawn from circulation and locked up in vaults & private hoards. It would put it in the power of every man to lend his 100. or 1000 d. tho’ not able to go forward on the great scale, and be the most advantageous way of obtaining a loan. The other idea of creating a National bank, I do not concur in, because it seems now decided that Congress has not that power, (altho’ I sincerely wish they had it exclusively) and because I think there is already a vast redundancy, rather than a scarcity of paper medium. ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/Vol11/0054-11_Pt07_1813.html#hd_lf054-11_head_125 Letter to Thomas Law (6 November 1813)] FE 9:433 : ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (10 Vols., 1892-99) edited by [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]] * History, I believe, furnishes no example of a priest-ridden people maintaining a free civil government. This marks the lowest grade of ignorance of which their civil as well as religious leaders will always avail themselves for their own purposes. ** Letter to [[Alexander von Humboldt]] (6 December 1813) ** [http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/ampage?collId=mtj1&fileName=mtj1page047.db&recNum=74&itemLink=/ammem/mtjhtml/mtjser1.html&linkText=7 Scanned letter at The Library of Congress] ** [http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/r?ammem/mtj:@field(DOCID+@lit(tj110127)) Transcript at The Library of Congress] * '''Religion is a subject on which I have ever been most scrupulously reserved. I have considered it as a matter between every man and his Maker in which no other, and far less the public, had a right to intermeddle.''' ** Letter to [[w:Richard Rush|Richard Rush]] (1813) * I deplore with you the putrid state into which our newspapers have passed, and the malignity, the vulgarity, & mendacious spirit of those who write for them: and I enclose you a recent sample, the production of a New England judge, as a proof of the abyss of degradation into which we are fallen. These ordures are rapidly depraving the public taste and lessening its relish for sound food. As vehicles of information and a curb on our functionaries, they have rendered themselves useless by forfeiting all title to belief. That this has in a great degree been produced by the violence and malignity of party spirit I agree with you... ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/03-07-02-0052 Letter to Walter Jones (2 January 1814)]. * '''A man has a right to use a saw, an axe, a plane, separately; may he not combine their uses on the same piece of wood? He has a right to use his knife to cut his meat, a fork to hold it; may a patentee take from him the right to combine their use on the same subject?''' Such a law, instead of enlarging our conveniences, as was intended, would most fearfully abridge them, and crowd us by monopolies out of the use of the things we have. ** Letter to Oliver Evans (16 January 1814); published in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1905) Vol. 13, p. 66 * The whole history of these books is so defective and doubtful that it seems vain to attempt minute enquiry into it: and such tricks have been played with their text, and with the texts of other books relating to them, that we have a right, from that cause, to entertain much doubt what parts of them are genuine. '''In the New Testament there is internal evidence that parts of it have proceeded from an extraordinary man; and that other parts are of the fabric of very inferior minds. It is as easy to separate those parts, as to pick out diamonds from dunghills.''' ** Letter to [[John Adams]], on Christian scriptures (24 January 1814) *'''We might as well say that the Newtonian system of philosophy is a part of the common law, as that the Christian religion is. The truth is that Christianity and Newtonianism being reason and verity itself''', in the opinion of all but infidels and Cartesians, they are protected under the wings of the common law from the dominion of other sects, but not erected into dominion over them. **[http://www.let.rug.nl/usa/presidents/thomas-jefferson/letters-of-thomas-jefferson/jefl227.php To Dr. Thomas Cooper Monticello], February 10, 1814 * '''Merchants have no country. The mere spot they stand on does not constitute so strong an attachment as that from which they draw their gains.''' In every country and in every age, the priest has been hostile to liberty. He is always in alliance with the despot, abetting his abuses in return for protection to his own. It is easier to acquire them, and to effect this, they have perverted the best religion ever preached to man into mystery and jargon, unintelligible to all mankind, and therefore the safer engine for their purposes. With the lawyers it is a new thing. They have, in the mother country, been generally the primest supporters of the free principles of their constitution. But there, too, they have changed. ** Letter to Horatio G. Spafford (17 March 1814) * Some have made the ''love of God'' the foundation of morality. This, too, is but a branch of our moral duties, which are generally divided into duties to God and duties to man. If we did a good act merely from the love of God and a belief that it is pleasing to Him, whence arises the morality of the Atheist? It is idle to say, as some do, that no such being exists. We have the same evidence of the fact as of most of those we act on, to-wit: their own affirmations, and their reasonings in support of them. I have observed, indeed, generally, that while in protestant countries the defections from the Platonic Christianity of the priests is to Deism, in catholic countries they are to Atheism. Diderot, D'Alembert, D'Holbach, Condorcet, are known to have been among the most virtuous of men. Their virtue, then, must have had some other foundation than the love of God. ** Letter to Thomas Law (13 June 1814) * Self-interest, or rather self-love, or ''egoism'', has been more plausibly substituted as the basis of morality. But I consider our relations with others as constituting the boundaries of morality. With ourselves, we stand on the ground of identity, not of relation, which last, requiring two subjects, excludes self-love confined to a single one. '''To ourselves, in strict language, we can owe no duties, obligation requiring also two parties. Self-love, therefore, is no part of morality. Indeed, it is exactly its counterpart.''' ** Letter to Thomas Law (13 June 1814) * The Christian priesthood, finding the doctrines of Christ levelled to every understanding, and too plain to need explanation, saw in the mysticism of Plato, materials with which they might build up an artificial system, which might, from its indistinctness, admit everlasting controversy, give employment for their order, and introduce it to profit, power and pre-eminence. The doctrines which flowed from the lips of Jesus himself are within the comprehension of a child ; but thousands of volumes have not yet explained the Platonisms engrafted on them; and for this obvious reason, that nonsense can never be explained. ** Letter to [[w:John Adams|John Adams]] (5 July 1814). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;11], pp.&nbsp;397–398 * [...] Congress itself can punish Alexandria, by repealing the law which made it a town, by discontinuing it as a port of entry or clearance, and perhaps by suppressing it’s banks. But I expect all will go off with impunity. If our government ever fails, it will be from this weakness. '''No government can be maintained without the principle of fear as well as of duty. Good men will obey the last, but bad ones the former only.''' ** Letter to [[w:John Wayles Eppes|John Wayles Eppes]] (9 September 1814). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://files.libertyfund.org/files/807/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;11], pp.&nbsp;425-426 * '''Our particular principles of religion are a subject of accountability to our god alone.''' I enquire after no man's and trouble none with mine; nor is it given to us in this life to know whether yours or mine, our friend's or our foe's, are exactly the right. ** Letter to Miles King (26 September 1814) * '''I agree ... that a professorship of Theology should have no place in our institution. But we cannot always do what is absolutely best.''' Those with whom we act, entertaining different views, have the power and the right of carrying them into practice. '''Truth advances, and error recedes step by step only; and to do to our fellow men the most good in our power, we must lead where we can, follow where we cannot, and still go with them, watching always the favorable moment for helping them to another step.''' ** Comment on establishing the University of Virginia, in a letter to Thomas Cooper (7 October 1814); published in [http://books.google.com/books?id=jrSgJGp-B64C&pg=RA1-PA200&dq=%22A+professorship+of+theology+should+have+no+place+in+our+institution%22&ei=u65FR562EpqCpwLkk9XxBg ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1905) edited by Andrew Adgate Lipscomb and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol VII, p. 200] * '''I am really mortified to be told that, ''in the United States of America'', a fact like this can become a subject of inquiry, and of criminal inquiry too, as an offence against religion; that a question about the sale of a book can be carried before the civil magistrate.''' Is this then our freedom of religion? and are we to have a censor whose imprimatur shall say what books may be sold, and what we may buy? And who is thus to dogmatize religious opinions for our citizens? '''Whose foot is to be the measure to which ours are all to be cut or stretched? Is a priest to be our inquisitor, or shall a layman, simple as ourselves, set up his reason as the rule for what we are to read, and what we must believe? It is an insult to our citizens to question whether they are rational beings or not, and blasphemy against religion to suppose it cannot stand the test of truth and reason.''' ** Letter to Nicolas Gouin Dufief, Philadelphia bookseller (1814) who had been prosecuted for selling the book ''Sur la Création du Monde, un Systême d'Organisation Primitive'' by M. de Becourt, which Jefferson himself had purchased. * I cannot live without books. ** Letter to John Adams (10 June 1815) * We concur in considering the government of [[England]] as totally without morality, insolent beyond bearing, inflated with vanity and ambition, aiming at the exclusive dominion of the sea, lost in corruption, of deep-rooted hatred towards us, hostile to liberty wherever it endeavors to show its head, and the eternal disturber of the peace of the world. In our estimate of [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Bonaparte]], I suspect we differ. [...] [[w:Constitutional republic|Our form of governmen]]t is odious to him, as a standing contrast between republican and despotic rule; and as much from that hatred, as from ignorance in political economy, he had excluded intercourse between us and his people, by prohibiting the only articles they wanted from us, that is, cotton and tobacco. Whether [[w:American Revolutionary War|the war we have had with England, and the achievements of that war]], and the hope that we may become his instruments and partisans against that enemy, may induce him, in future, to tolerate our commercial intercourse with his people, is still to be seen. For my part, '''I wish that all nations may recover and retain their independence; that those which are overgrown may not advance beyond safe measures of power, that a salutary balance may be ever maintained among nations, and that our peace, commerce, and friendship, may be sought and cultivated by all.''' It is our business to manufacture for ourselves whatever we can, to keep our markets open for what we can spare or want; and the less we have to do with the amities or enmities of [[Europe]], the better. '''Not in our day, but at no distant one, we may shake a rod over the heads of all, which may make the stoutest of them tremble. But I hope our wisdom will grow with our power, and teach us, that the less we use our power, the greater it will be.''' ** [http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/r?ammem/mtj:@field(DOCID+@lit(tj110158)) Letter to] [[w:Thomas Leiper|Thomas Leiper]] (12 June 1815). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;11], pp.&nbsp;477–478. ** The sentence "I hope our wisdom will grow with our power, and teach us, that the less we use our power, the greater it will be." was used by US-President [[Barack Obama]] in his [[w:A New Beginning|A New Beginning Speech]]. * The priests have so disfigured the simple religion of Jesus that no one who reads the sophistications they have engrafted on it, from the jargon of [[Plato]], of [[Aristotle]] & other mystics, would conceive these could have been fathered on the sublime preacher of the sermon on the mount. ** Letter to [[w:Benjamin Waterhouse|Benjamin Waterhouse]] (13 October 1815). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;11], p.&nbsp;492 * '''Like a dropsical man calling out for water, water, our deluded citizens are clamoring for more banks''', more banks. The American mind is now in that state of fever which the world has so often seen in the history of other nations. We are under the bank bubble, as England was under the [[w: South Sea Company|South Sea bubble]], France under the [[w: Mississippi Company#The_Mississippi_Bubble|Mississippi bubble]], and as every nation is liable to be, under whatever bubble, design, or delusion may puff up in moments when off their guard. '''We are now taught to believe that legerdemain tricks upon paper can produce as solid wealth as hard labor in the earth. It is vain for common sense to urge that nothing can produce nothing'''; that it is an idle dream to believe in a [[w:Philosopher's stone|philosopher’s stone]] which is to turn everything into gold, and to redeem man from the original sentence of his Maker, “[[s: Bible_(Wikisource)/Genesis#Chapter_3|in the sweat of his brow shall he eat his bread.]]” ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/?option=com_staticxt&staticfile=show.php%3Ftitle=807&chapter=88152&layout=html&Itemid=27 Letter to Colonel Charles Yancey] (6 January 1816) ME 14:384 * When public opinion changes, it is with the rapidity of thought. ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/?option=com_staticxt&staticfile=show.php%3Ftitle=807&chapter=88152&layout=html&Itemid=27 Letter to Colonel Charles Yancey] (6 January 1816) ME 14:384 * '''If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be. The functionaries of every government have propensities to command at will the liberty and property of their constituents. There is no safe deposit for these but with the people themselves; nor can they be safe with them without information. Where the press is free, and every man able to read, all is safe.''' ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/?option=com_staticxt&staticfile=show.php%3Ftitle=807&chapter=88152&layout=html&Itemid=27 Letter to Colonel Charles Yancey] (6 January 1816) ME 14:384 * I, too, have made a wee-little book from the same materials, which I call the Philosophy of Jesus; it is a paradigma of his doctrines, made by cutting the texts out of the book, and arranging them on the pages of a blank book, in a certain order of time or subject. A more beautiful or precious morsel of ethics I have never seen; it is a document in proof that I am a real Christian, that is to say, a disciple of the doctrines of Jesus, very different from the Platonists, who call me infidel and themselves Christians and preachers of the gospel, while they draw all their characteristic dogmas from what its author never said nor saw. They have compounded from the heathen mysteries a system beyond the comprehension of man, of which the great reformer of the vicious ethics and deism of the Jews, were he to return on earth, would not recognize one feature. ** Letter to [[w:Charles Thomson|Charles Thomson]] (9 January 1816), on his ''[http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/etcbin/toccer-new2?id=JefJesu.sgm&images=images/modeng&data=/texts/english/modeng/parsed&tag=public&part=all The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth]'' (the "[[w:Jefferson Bible|Jefferson Bible]]"), which omits all Biblical passages asserting Jesus' virgin birth, miracles, divinity, and resurrection. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;11], pp.&nbsp;498–499 * [T]hat to be independant for the comforts of life we must fabricate them ourselves. We must now place the manufacturer by the side of the agriculturist. The former question is suppressed; or rather assumes a new form: shall we make our own comforts, or go without them, at the will of a foreign nation? He therefore who is now against domestic manufacture must be for reducing us either to dependance on that foreign nation, or to be clothed in skins, & to live like wild beasts in dens & caverns. I am not one of these. Experience has taught me that manufactures are now as necessary to our independance as to our comfort: and if those who quote me as of a different opinion will keep pace with me in purchasing nothing foreign where an equivalent of domestic fabric can be obtained, without regard to difference of price, it will not be our fault if we do not soon have a supply at home equal to our demand, and wrest that weapon of distress from the hand which has wielded it. ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/03-09-02-0213 Letter to Benjamin Austin] (January 8, 1816) * The majority, oppressing an individual, is guilty of a crime, abuses its strength, and by acting on the law of the strongest breaks up the foundations of society. ** Letter to [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/03-09-02-0471 Éleuthère Irénée du Pont de Nemours] (24 April 1816) * '''Enlighten the people generally, and tyranny and oppressions of body and mind will vanish like evil spirits at the dawn of day.''' ** Letter to [[w:Eleuthère Irénée du Pont|Éleuthère Irénée du Pont de Nemours]] (24 April 1816) * '''The system of banking we have both equally and ever reprobated.''' I contemplate it as a blot left in all our Constitutions, which, if not covered, will end in their destruction, which is already hit by the gamblers in corruption, and is sweeping away in its progress the fortunes and morals of our citizens. '''Funding I consider as limited, rightfully, to a redemption of the debt within the lives of a majority of the generation contracting it'''; every generation coming equally, by the laws of the Creator of the world, to the free possession of the earth he made for their subsistence, unincumbered by their predecessors, who, like them, were but tenants for life. ** Letter to [[w:John Taylor (1770-1832)|John Taylor]] (28 May 1816) ME 15:18: ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' "Memorial Edition" (20 Vols., 1903-04) edited by [[w:Andrew A. Lipscomb|Andrew A. Lipscomb]] and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. 15, p. 18 * '''We may say with truth and meaning that governments are more or less republican, as they have more or less of the element of popular election and control in their composition'''; and believing, as I do, that the mass of the citizens is the safest depository of their own rights, and especially, that the evils flowing from the duperies of the people are less injurious than those from the egoism of their agents, I am a friend to that composition of government which has in it the most of this ingredient. And '''I sincerely believe, with you, that banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies; and that the principle of spending money to be paid by posterity, under the name of funding, is but swindling futurity on a large scale.''' ** [http://www.britannica.com/presidents/article-9116907 Letter to John Taylor (28 May 1816) ME 15:23] * '''Our legislators are not sufficiently apprized of the rightful limits of their power; that their true office is to declare and enforce only our natural rights and duties, and to take none of them from us.''' No man has a natural right to commit aggression on the equal rights of another; and this is all from which the laws ought to restrain him; '''every man is under the natural duty of contributing to the necessities of the society; and this is all the laws should enforce on him'''; and, no man having a natural right to be the judge between himself and another, it is his natural duty to submit to the umpirage of an impartial third. When the laws have declared and enforced all this, they have fulfilled their functions, and the idea is quite unfounded, that on entering into society we give up any natural right. ** Letter to Francis W. Gilmer (27 June 1816); ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' edited by Ford, vol. 10, p. 32 * I, however, place economy among the first and most important republican virtues, and [[public debt]] as the greatest of the dangers to be feared. ** Letter to William Plumer (21 July 1816) * '''Ridicule is the only weapon which can be used against unintelligible propositions.''' Ideas must be distinct before reason can act upon them; and no man ever had a distinct idea of the trinity. It is the mere Abracadabra of the mountebanks calling themselves the priests of Jesus. ** Letter to [[w:François Adriaan van der Kemp|Francis Adrian Van der Kemp]] (30 July 1816), denouncing the doctrine of the Trinity. * '''Bigotry is the disease of ignorance, of morbid minds; enthusiasm of the free and buoyant. Education & free discussion are the antidotes of both.''' ** Letter to [[John Adams]] (1 August 1816) * I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past, — so good night! ** Letter to [[John Adams]] (1 August 1816) * '''It is in our lives, and not from our words, that our religion must be read.''' By the same test the world must judge me. But this does not satisfy the priesthood. They must have a positive, a declared assent to all their interested absurdities. My opinion is that there would never have been an infidel, if there had never been a priest. ** Letter to Mrs. Harrison Smith (6 August 1816) * You ask if I mean to publish anything on the subject of a letter of mine to my friend Charles Thompson? Certainly not. I write nothing for publication, and last of all things should it be on the subject of religion. On the dogmas of religion as distinguished from moral principles, all mankind, from the beginning of the world to this day, have been quarrelling, fighting, burning and torturing one another, for abstractions unintelligible to themselves and to all others, and absolutely beyond the comprehension of the human mind. Were I to enter on that arena, I should only add an unit to the number of Bedlamites. ** Letter to [[w:Mathew Carey|Mathew Carey]] (11 November 1816). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;12], p.&nbsp;42 * I may say Christianity itself divided into its thousands also, who are disputing, anathematizing and where the laws permit burning and torturing one another for abstractions which no one of them understand, and which are indeed beyond the comprehension of the human mind[.] ** Letter to [[w:George Logan|George Logan]] (12 November 1816). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;12], pp.&nbsp;43 * I do not believe that in the four administrations which have taken place, there has been a single instance of departure from good faith towards other nations. We may sometimes have mistaken our rights, or made an erroneous estimate of the actions of others, but no voluntary wrong can be imputed to us. In this respect England exhibits the most remarkable phaenomenon in the universe in the contrast between the profligacy of it’s government and the probity of it’s citizens. And accordingly it is now exhibiting an example of the truth of the maxim that '''virtue & interest are inseparable'''. It ends, as might have been expected, in the ruin of it’s people, but this ruin will fall heaviest, as it ought to fall on that hereditary aristocracy which has for generations been preparing the catastrophe. '''I hope we shall take warning from the example and crush in it’s birth the aristocracy of our monied corporations which dare already to challenge our government to a trial of strength and bid defiance to the laws of our country.''' ** Letter to [[w:George Logan|George Logan]] (12 November 1816). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;12], pp.&nbsp;43-44 * '''There is an error into which most of the speculators on government have fallen, and which the well-known state of society of our Indians ought, before now, to have corrected. In their hypothesis of the origin of government, they suppose it to have commenced in the patriarchal or monarchical form.''' Our Indians are evidently in that state of nature which has passed the association of a single family... The Cherokees, the only tribe I know to be contemplating the establishment of regular laws, magistrates, and government, propose a government of representatives, elected from every town. '''But of all things, they least think of subjecting themselves to the will of one man.''' ** Letter to Francis W. Gilmer (1816) * Lay down true principles and adhere to them inflexibly. Do not be frightened into their surrender by the alarms of the timid, or the croakings of wealth against the ascendency of the people. ** Letter to Samuel Kercheval (1816) * '''I believe... that every human mind feels pleasure in doing good to another.''' ** Letter to [[John Adams]] (1816) * '''The result of your fifty or sixty years of religious reading in the four words: 'Be just and good,' is that in which all our enquiries must end.''' ** Letter to [[John Adams]] (11 January 1817) * '''What all agree upon is probably right; what no two agree in most probably is wrong. ''' ** Letter to [[John Adams]] (11 January 1817) This statement has been referred to as ''"[[w:Jefferson's Axiom|Jefferson's Axiom]]"'' * One of our fan-coloring biographers, who paints small men as very great, inquired of me lately with real affection too, whether he might consider as authentic, the change of [[w:Religious views of Thomas Jefferson|my religion]] much spoken of in some circles. Now '''this supposed that they knew what had been my religion before, taking for it the word of their priests, whom I certainly never made the confidants of my creed.''' My answer was '''"say nothing of my religion. It is known to [[Personal god|my God]] and myself alone.''' Its evidence before the world is to be sought in my life; if that has been honest and dutiful to society, the religion which has regulated it cannot be a bad one." ** Letter to [[John Adams]] (11 January 1817), published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;12], pp.&nbsp;48–49 * If by religion, we are understand sectarian dogmas, in which no two of them agree, then your exclamation on that hypothesis is just, "that this would be the best of all possible worlds, if there were no religion in it." But if the moral precepts, innate in man, and made a part of his physical constitution, as necessary for a social being, if the sublime doctrines of philanthropism and deism taught us by Jesus of Nazareth, in which all agree, constitute true religion, then, without it, this would be, as you again say, "something not fit to be named, even indeed, a hell." ** Letter to John Adams, 5 May 1817, in The Writings of Thomas Jefferson (Lipscomb-Bergh edition, 1903), Volume XV, p. 109 * The Pennsylvania legislature, who, on a proposition to make the belief in God a necessary qualification for office, rejected it by a great majority, although assuredly there was not a single atheist in their body. And you remember to have heard, that when the act for religious freedom was before the Virginia Assembly, a motion to insert the name of [[Jesus]] [[w:Christ|Christ]] before the phrase, "the author of our holy religion," which stood in the bill, was rejected, although that was the creed of a great majority of them. ** Letter to [[w:Albert Gallatin|Albert Gallatin]] (16 June 1817). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;12], p.&nbsp;73 * I have the consolation to reflect that during the period of my administration not a drop of the blood of a single fellow citizen was shed by the sword of war or of the law. ** Letter to papal nuncio Count Dugnani (14 February 1818) * Your sect by its sufferings has furnished a remarkable proof of the universal spirit of religious intolerance inherent in every sect, disclaimed by all while feeble, and practiced by all when in power. Our laws have applied the only antidote to this vice, protecting our religious, as they do our civil rights, by putting all on an equal footing. But more remains to be done, for '''although we are free by the law, we are not so in practice.''' Public opinion erects itself into an inquisition, and exercises its office with as much fanaticism as fans the flames of an Auto-da-fé. The prejudice still scowling on your section of our religion altho' the elder one, cannot be unfelt by ourselves. '''It is to be hoped that individual dispositions will at length mould themselves to the model of the law, and consider the moral basis, on which all our religions rest, as the rallying point which unites them in a common interest; while the peculiar dogmas branching from it are the exclusive concern of the respective sects embracing them, and no rightful subject of notice to any other. Public opinion needs reformation on that point''', which would have the further happy effect of doing away the hypocritical maxim of "intus et lubet, foris ut moris". '''Nothing, I think, would be so likely to effect this''', as to your sect particularly, '''as the more careful attention to education''', which you recommend, and '''which, placing its members on the equal and commanding benches of science, will exhibit them as equal objects of respect and favor.''' ** [http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/loc/madison.html Thomas Jefferson to Mordecai M. Noah, May 28, 1818. Manuscript Division, Papers of Thomas Jefferson.] * Tried myself in the school of affliction, by the loss of every form of connection which can rive the human heart, I know well, and feel what you have lost, what you have suffered, are suffering, and have yet to endure. The same trials have taught me that for ills so immeasurable, time and silence are the only medicines. I will not, therefore, by useless condolences, open afresh the sluices of your grief, nor, although mingling sincerely my tears with yours, will I say a word more where words are vain. ** [http://www.masshist.org/database/transcription.cfm?transcriptDir=masshist&transcript=L5058.xml&queryID=1797 Letter to John Adams] (13 November 1818) regarding the death of [[Abigail Adams]] * I read no newspaper now but Ritchie's, and in that chiefly the advertisments, for they contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. ** Letter to [[w:Nathaniel Macon|Nathaniel Macon]] ([[12 January]] [[1819]])[https://books.google.com/books?id=wyhNAQAAMAAJ&newbks=1&newbks_redir=0&dq=%22no%20newspaper%20now%20but%20Ritchie's%22&pg=PA111#v=onepage&q=%22no%20newspaper%20now%20but%20Ritchie's%22&f=false] * Whether the succeeding generation is to be more virtuous than their predecessors, I cannot say; but I am sure they will have more worldly wisdom, and enough, I hope, to know that '''honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.''' ** Letter to [[w:Nathaniel Macon|Nathaniel Macon]] ([[12 January]] [[1819]])[http://books.google.com/books?id=oiYWAAAAYAAJ&q=%22Honesty+is+the+first+chapter+in+the+book+of+wisdom%22&pg=PA112#v=onepage] * You say you are a Calvinist. I am not. '''I am of a sect by myself, as far as I know.''' ** Letter to Ezra Stiles Ely (25 June 1819), published in ''The Papers of Thomas Jefferson'' (1983) by Dickinson W. Adams; Attributions of this letter as one to [[w:Ezra Stiles|Ezra Stiles]], President of [[w:Yale University|Yale College]] (who died in 1795) are incorrect. See also [http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/quotes/jeffphony.htm Positive Atheism's "Questionable Thomas Jefferson Quotations"] * It should be remembered, as an axiom of eternal truth in politics, that '''whatever power in any government is independent, is absolute also'''; in theory only, at first, while the spirit of the people is up, but in practice, as fast as that relaxes. '''Independence can be trusted nowhere but with the people in mass. They are inherently independent of all but moral law.''' ** [http://press-pubs.uchicago.edu/founders/documents/a1_8_18s16.html Letter] to Judge Spencer Roane (6 September 1819) * '''The greatest of all the reformers of the depraved religion of his own country, was [[Jesus]] of Nazareth. Abstracting what is really his from the rubbish in which it is buried, easily distinguished by its lustre from the dross of his biographers, and as separable from that as the diamond from the dunghill.''' ... The establishment of the innocent and genuine character of this benevolent moralist, and the rescuing it from the imputation of imposture, which has resulted from artificial systems, [footnote: e.g. The immaculate conception of Jesus, his deification, the creation of the world by him, his miraculous powers, his resurrection and visible ascension, his corporeal presence in the Eucharist, the Trinity; original sin, atonement, regeneration, election, orders of Hierarchy, etc. —T.J.] invented by ultra-Christian sects, unauthorized by a single word ever uttered by him, is a most desirable object, and one to which [[Joseph Priestley|Priestley]] has successfully devoted his labors and learning. It would in time, it is to be hoped, effect a quiet euthanasia of the heresies of bigotry and fanaticism which have so long triumphed over human reason, and so generally and deeply afflicted mankind; but this work is to be begun by winnowing the grain from the chaff of the historians of his life. ** Letter to [[w:William Short (American ambassador)|William Short]] (31 October 1819), published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;12], pp.&nbsp;141–142 * As you say of yourself, I too am an Epicurian. I consider the genuine (not the imputed) doctrines of [[Epicurus]] as containing everything rational in moral philosophy which Greece and Rome have left us. ** Letter to William Short (31 October 1819) * We were laboring under a dropsical fulness of circulating medium. Nearly all of it is now called in by the banks, who have the regulation of the safety-valves of our fortunes, and who condense and explode them at their will. Lands in this State cannot now be sold for a year’s rent; and unless our Legislature have wisdom enough to effect a remedy by a gradual diminution only of the medium, there will be a general revolution of property in this state. ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0054.12#hd_lf054-12_head_057 Letter to John Adams (7 November 1819)] ME 15:224 : ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' "Memorial Edition" (20 Vols., 1903-04) edited by [[w:Andrew A. Lipscomb|Andrew A. Lipscomb]] and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. 15, p. 224 * Of liberty I would say that, in the whole plenitude of its extent, it is unobstructed action according to our will. But '''rightful liberty is unobstructed action according to our will within limits drawn around us by the equal rights of others. I do not add "within the limits of the law" because law is often but the tyrant's will, and always so when it violates the rights of the individual.''' ** Letter to Isaac H. Tiffany (4 April 1819) ==== Letters to John Wayles Eppes (1813) ==== : <small> [[w:John Wayles Eppes|John Wayles Eppes]] was a United States Representative and a Senator from Virginia, and Jefferson's son-in-law.</small> * '''The earth belongs to the living, not to the dead.''' ** 24 June 1813 * It is a palpable falsehood to say we can have specie for our paper whenever demanded. Instead, then, of yielding to the cries of scarcity of medium set up by speculators, projectors and commercial gamblers, no endeavors should be spared to begin the work of reducing it by such gradual means as may give time to private fortunes to preserve their poise, and settle down with the subsiding medium; and that, for this purpose, the States should be urged to concede to the General Government, with a saving of chartered rights, the exclusive power of establishing banks of discount for paper. ** 6 November 1813, ME 13:431: ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' "Memorial Edition" (20 Vols., 1903-04) edited by [[w:Andrew A. Lipscomb|Andrew A. Lipscomb]] and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. 13, p. 431 * The States should be urged to concede to the General Government, with a saving of chartered rights, the exclusive power of establishing banks of discount for paper. ** [http://www.yamaguchy.netfirms.com/7897401/jefferson/eppes2.html ME] 13:431 * If treasury bills are emitted on a tax appropriated for their redemption in fifteen years, and (to insure preference in the first moments of competition) bearing an interest of six per cent, there is no one who would not take them in preference to the bank paper now afloat, on a principle of patriotism as well as interest; and they would be withdrawn from circulation into private hoards to a considerable amount. Their credit once established, others might be emitted, bottomed also on a tax, but not bearing interest; and if ever their credit faltered, open public loans, on which these bills alone should be received as specie. These, operating as a sinking fund, would reduce the quantity in circulation, so as to maintain that in an equilibrium with specie. It is not easy to estimate the obstacles which, in the beginning, we should encounter in ousting the banks from their possession of the circulation; but a steady and judicious alternation of emissions and loans would reduce them in time. ** [http://www.yamaguchy.netfirms.com/7897401/jefferson/eppes.html ME] 13:275 * The question will be asked and ought to be looked at, what is to be the resource if loans cannot be obtained? There is but one, "Carthago delenda est." '''Bank paper must be suppressed, and the circulating medium must be restored to the nation to whom it belongs.''' It is the only fund on which they can rely for loans; it is the only resource which can never fail them, and it is an abundant one for every necessary purpose. Treasury bills, bottomed on taxes, bearing or not bearing interest, as may be found necessary, thrown into circulation will take the place of so much gold and silver, which last, when crowded, will find an efflux into other countries, and thus keep the quantum of medium at its salutary level. Let banks continue if they please, but let them discount for cash alone or for treasury notes. <!-- They discount for cash alone in every other country on earth except Great Britain, and her too often unfortunate copyist, the United States. If taken in time they may be rectified by degrees, and without injustice, but if let alone till the alternative forces itself on us, of submitting to the enemy for want of funds, or the suppression of bank paper, either by law or by convulsion, we cannot foresee how it will end. The remaining questions are mathematical only. How are the taxes and the time of their continuance to be proportioned to the sum borrowed, and the stipulated interest? <br> The rate of interest will depend on the state of the money market, and the duration of the tax on the will of the legislature. --> ** 11 September 1813, ME 13:361 * It is literally true that the toleration of banks of paper discount costs the United States one-half their war taxes; or, in other words, doubles the expenses of every war. Now think but for a moment, what a change of condition that would be, which should save half our war expenses, require but half the taxes, and enthral us in debt but half the time. ** ME 13:364 * The art and mystery of banks... is established on the principle that 'private debts are a public blessing.' That the evidences of those private debts, called bank notes, become active capital, and aliment the whole commerce, manufactures, and agriculture of the United States. Here are a set of people, for instance, who have bestowed on us the great blessing of running in our debt about two hundred millions of dollars, without our knowing who they are, where they are, or what property they have to pay this debt when called on; nay, who have made us so sensible of the blessings of letting them run in our debt, that we have exempted them by law from the repayment of these debts beyond a give proportion (generally estimated at one-third). And to fill up the measure of blessing, instead of paying, they receive an interest on what they owe from those to whom they owe; for all the notes, or evidences of what they owe, which we see in circulation, have been lent to somebody on an interest which is levied again on us through the medium of commerce. And they are so ready still to deal out their liberalities to us, that they are now willing to let themselves run in our debt ninety millions more, on our paying them the same premium of six or eight per cent interest, and on the same legal exemption from the repayment of more than thirty millions of the debt, when it shall be called for. ** ME 13:420 * But it will be asked, are we to have no banks? Are merchants and others to be deprived of the resource of short accommodations, found so convenient? I answer, let us have banks; but let them be such as are alone to be found in any country on earth, except Great Britain. There is not a bank of discount on the continent of Europe (at least there was not one when I was there) which offers anything but cash in exchange for discounted bills. ** ME 13:277 * No one has a natural right to the trade of a money lender, but he who has the money to lend. Let those then among us who have a moneyed capital and who prefer employing it in loans rather than otherwise, set up banks and give cash or national bills for the notes they discount. Perhaps, to encourage them, a larger interest than is legal in the other cases might be allowed them, on the condition of their lending for short periods only. ** ME 13:277 * If the debt which the banking companies owe be a blessing to anybody, it is to themselves alone, who are realizing a solid interest of eight or ten per cent on it. As to the public, these companies have banished all our gold and silver medium, which, before their institution, we had without interest, which never could have perished in our hands, and would have been our salvation now in the hour of war; instead of which they have given us two hundred million of froth and bubble, on which we are to pay them heavy interest, until it shall vanish into air... We are warranted, then, in affirming that this parody on the principle of 'a [[public debt]] being a public blessing,' and its mutation into the blessing of private instead of public debts, is as ridiculous as the original principle itself. In both cases, the truth is, that capital may be produced by industry, and accumulated by economy; but jugglers only will propose to create it by legerdemain tricks with paper. ** ME 13:423 * It is said that our paper is as good as silver, because we may have silver for it at the bank where it issues. This is not true. One, two, or three persons might have it; but a general application would soon exhaust their vaults, and leave a ruinous proportion of their paper in its intrinsic worthless form. ** ME 13:426 * To the existence of banks of discount for cash... there can be no objection, because there can be no danger of abuse, and they are a convenience both to merchants and individuals. I think they should even be encouraged, by allowing them a larger than legal interest on short discounts, and tapering thence, in proportion as the term of discount is lengthened, down to legal interest on those of a year or more. Even banks of deposit, where cash should be lodged, and a paper acknowledgment taken out as its representative, entitled to a return of the cash on demand, would be convenient for remittances, travelling persons, etc. But, liable as its cash would be to be pilfered and robbed, and its paper to be fraudulently re-issued, or issued without deposit, it would require skilful and strict regulation. ** ME 13:431 ==== Letter to Isaac McPherson (1813) ==== : <small>Monticello (13 August 1813) ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1907) Volumes 13-14, [https://books.google.com/books?id=ao8oG7xRRBUC&pg=PA326 pp. 326-338.]</small> * '''Every man should be protected in his lawful acts, and be certain that no [[w:Ex post facto law|''ex post facto'' law]] shall punish or [[wikt:endamage|endamage]] him for them.''' ...The sentiment that ''ex post facto'' laws are against natural right, is so strong in the United States, that few, if any, of the State constitutions have failed to [[wikt:proscribe#Verb|proscribe]] them. The federal constitution indeed [[wikt:interdict#Verb|interdict]]s them in criminal cases only; but they are equally unjust in civil as in criminal cases, and the omission of a caution which would have been right, does not justify the doing what is wrong. Nor ought it to be presumed that the legislature meant to use a phrase in an unjustifiable sense, if by rules of construction it can be ever strained to what is just.<!--pp. 326-327--> * The law books abound with similar instances of the care the judges take of the public integrity, Laws, moreover, abridging the natural right of the citizen, should be restrained by rigorous constructions within their narrowest limits.<!--p. 327--> * It is agreed by those who have seriously considered the subject, that no individual has, of natural right, a separate property in an acre of land, for instance. By an universal law, indeed, whatever, whether fixed or movable, belongs to all men equally and in common, is the property for the moment of him who occupies it, but when he relinquishes the occupation, the property goes with it. '''Stable ownership is the gift of social law, and is given late in the progress of society. It would be curious then, if an idea, the fugitive fermentation of an individual brain, could, of natural right, be claimed in exclusive and stable property.''' If nature has made any one thing less susceptible than all others of exclusive property, it is the action of the thinking power called an idea, which an individual may exclusively possess as long as he keeps it to himself; but the moment it is divulged, it forces itself into the possession of every one, and the receiver cannot dispossess himself of it. Its peculiar character, too, is that no one possesses the less, because every other possesses the whole of it. '''He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me.'''<!--pp. 333-334--> ** See also [http://press-pubs.uchicago.edu/founders/documents/a1_8_8s12.html Letter to Isaac McPherson] (13 August 1813) ME 13:333. ** The sentence ''He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me.'' is sometimes paraphrased as '''"Knowledge is like a candle. Even as it lights a new candle, the strength of the original flame is not diminished."''' * '''England was, until we copied her, the only country on earth which ever, by a general law, gave a legal right to the exclusive use of an idea. In some other countries it is sometimes done, in a great case, and by a special and personal act, but, generally speaking, other nations have thought that these monopolies produce more embarrassment than advantage to society; and it may be observed that the nations which refuse monopolies of invention, are as fruitful as England in new and useful devices.'''<!--p. 334--> ==== Letter to Edward Coles (1814) ==== : <small> (25 August 1814) ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', Volume 9, [https://books.google.com/books?id=OFI8AAAAIAAJ&pg=PA477 pp. 477-479.] See also [http://alexpeak.com/twr/jefferson/#1784 Letter to Edward Coles (25 August 1814)]</small> * Your favour of July 31, was duly received, and was read with peculiar pleasure. The sentiments breathed through the whole do honor to both the head and heart of the writer. Mine '''on the subject of slavery of negroes have long since been in possession of the public, and time has only served to give them stronger root. The love of justice and the love of country plead equally the cause of these people, and it is a moral reproach to us that they should have pleaded it so long in vain''', and should have produced not a single effort, nay I fear not much serious willingness to relieve them & ourselves from our present condition of moral & political reprobation.<!--p. 477--> * I had always hoped that the younger generation receiving their early impressions after the flame of liberty had been kindled in every breast, & had become as it were the vital spirit of every American, that the generous temperament of youth, analogous to the motion of their blood, and above the suggestions of avarice, would have sympathized with oppression wherever found, and proved their love of liberty beyond their own share of it.<!--p. 478--> * Yet '''the hour of emancipation is advancing, in the march of time. It will come'''.<!--p. 478--> * This enterprise is for the young; for those who can follow it up, and bear it through to its consummation. It shall have all my prayers, & these are the only weapons of an old man<!--p. 479--> ==== Letter to Joseph Milligan (6 April 1816) ==== : <small>[http://www.friesian.com/#contents Letter to Joseph Milligan (6 April 1816)]</small> * ...the more a subject is understood, the more briefly it may be explained. * To take from one, because it is thought his own industry and that of his fathers has acquired too much, in order to spare to others, who, or whose fathers, have not exercised equal industry and skill, is to violate arbitrarily the first principle of association, the guarantee to everyone the free exercise of his industry and the fruits acquired by it. ==== Letter to H. Tompkinson (AKA Samuel Kercheval) (1816) ==== [[File:Supreme Court of the United States - Philosophical Swag.jpg|thumb|I am certainly not an advocate for frequent and untried changes in laws and constitutions. [...] But I know also, that laws and institutions must go hand in hand with the progress of the human mind.]] [[File:MtRushmore Tom close.jpg|thumb|Lay down true principles, and adhere to them inflexibly. Do not be frightened into their surrender by the alarms of the timid, or the croakings of wealth against the ascendency of the people.]] [[File:Uscapitolindaylight.jpg|thumb|The true foundation of republican government is the equal right of every citizen, in his person and property, and in their management.]] [[File:US $2 1869 Legal Tender Note.jpg|thumb|I am not among those who fear the people. They, and not the rich, are our dependence for continued freedom. And to preserve their independence, we must not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. We must make our election between economy and liberty, or profusion and servitude.]] : <small>[http://classicliberal.tripod.com/jefferson/kercheval.html Letter to H. Tompkinson (AKA Samuel Kercheval), 12 July 1816] ([http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/ampage?collId=mtj1&fileName=mtj1page049.db&recNum=254 image] at Library of Congress).</small> * '''The mother principle [is] that 'governments are republican only in proportion as they embody the will of their people, and execute it.'"'''. * But inequality of representation in both Houses of our legislature, is not the only republican heresy in this first essay of our revolutionary patriots at forming a constitution. For let it be agreed that '''a government is republican in proportion as every member composing it has his equal voice in the direction of its concerns (not indeed in person, which would be impracticable beyond the limits of a city, or small township, but) by representatives chosen by himself, and responsible to him at short periods''', and let us bring to the test of this canon every branch of our constitution. * In England, where judges were named and removable at the will of an hereditary executive, from which branch most misrule was feared, and has flowed, it was a great point gained, by fixing them for life, to make them independent of that executive. But in a government founded on the public will, this principle operates in an opposite direction, and against that will. There, too, they were still removable on a concurrence of the executive and legislative branches. But we have made them independent of the nation itself. They are irremovable, but by their own body, for any depravities of conduct, and even by their own body for the imbecilities of dotage. The justices of the inferior courts are self- chosen, are for life, and perpetuate their own body in succession forever, so that a faction once possessing themselves of the bench of a county, can never be broken up, but hold their county in chains, forever indissoluble. Yet these justices are the real executive as well as judiciary, in all our minor and most ordinary concerns. They tax us at will; fill the office of sheriff, the most important of all the executive officers of the county; name nearly all our military leaders, which leaders, once named, are removable but by themselves. The juries, our judges of all fact, and of law when they choose it, are not selected by the people, nor amenable to them. They are chosen by an officer named by the court and executive. Chosen, did I say? Picked up by the sheriff from the loungings of the court yard, after everything respectable has retired from it. Where then is our republicanism to be found? Not in our constitution certainly, but merely in the spirit of our people. That would oblige even a despot to govern us republicanly. Owing to this spirit, and to nothing in the form of our constitution, all things have gone well. But this fact, so triumphantly misquoted by the enemies of reformation, is not the fruit of our constitution, but has prevailed in spite of it. Our functionaries have done well, because generally honest men. If any were not so, they feared to show it. * Only '''lay down true principles, and adhere to them inflexibly. Do not be frightened into their surrender by the alarms of the timid, or the croakings of wealth against the ascendency of the people.''' * '''The true foundation of republican government is the equal right of every citizen, in his person and property, and in their management.''' Try by this, as a tally, every provision of our constitution, and see if it hangs directly on the will of the people. Reduce your legislature to a convenient number for full, but orderly discussion. '''Let every man who fights or pays, exercise his just and equal right in''' their '''election'''. * '''I am not among those who fear the people. They, and not the rich, are our dependence for continued freedom. And to preserve their independence, we must not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. We must make our election between economy and liberty, or profusion and servitude.''' If we run into such debts, as that we must be taxed in our meat and in our drink, in our necessaries and our comforts, in our labors and our amusements, for our callings and our creeds, as the people of England are, our people, like them, must come to labor sixteen hours in the twenty-four, give the earnings of fifteen of these to the government for their debts and daily expenses; and the sixteenth being insufficient to afford us bread, we must live, as they now do, on oatmeal and potatoes; have no time to think, no means of calling the mismanagers to account; but be glad to obtain subsistence by hiring ourselves to rivet their chains on the necks of our fellow-sufferers. Our landholders, too, like theirs, retaining indeed the title and stewardship of estates called theirs, but held really in trust for the treasury, must wander, like theirs, in foreign countries, and be contented with penury, obscurity, exile, and the glory of the nation. This example reads to us the salutary lesson, that '''private fortunes are destroyed by public as well as by private extravagance. And this is the tendency of all human governments. A departure from principle in one instance becomes a precedent for a second; that second for a third; and so on, till the bulk of the society is reduced to be mere automatons of misery, and to have no sensibilities left but for sinning and suffering. Then begins, indeed, the [[w:Bellum omnium contra omnes|bellum omnium in omnia]], which some philosophers observing to be so general in this world, have mistaken it for the natural, instead of the abusive state of man. And the fore horse of this frightful team is [[public debt]]. Taxation follows that, and in its train wretchedness and oppression.''' * '''Some men look at constitutions with sanctimonious reverence and deem them like the ark of the covenant, too sacred to be touched.''' They ascribe to the men of the preceding age a wisdom more than human and suppose what they did to be beyond amendment. I knew that age well; I belonged to it and labored with it. It deserved well of its country. It was very like the present but without the experience of the present; and '''forty years of experience in government is worth a century of book-reading'''; and this they would say themselves were they to rise from the dead. * '''I am certainly not an advocate for frequent and untried changes in laws and constitutions.''' I think moderate imperfections had better be borne with; because, when once known, we accommodate ourselves to them, and find practical means of correcting their ill effects. '''But''' I know also, that '''laws and institutions must go hand in hand with the progress of the human mind'''. As that becomes more developed, more enlightened, as new discoveries are made, new truths disclosed, and manners and opinions change with the change of circumstances, institutions must advance also, and '''keep pace with the times. We might as well require a man to wear still the coat which fitted him when a boy, as civilized society to remain ever under the regimen of their barbarous ancestors'''. It is this preposterous idea which has lately deluged Europe in blood. Their monarchs, instead of wisely yielding to the gradual change of circumstances, of favoring progressive accommodation to progressive improvement, have clung to old abuses, entrenched themselves behind steady habits, and obliged their subjects to seek through blood and violence rash and ruinous innovations, which, had they been referred to the peaceful deliberations and collected wisdom of the nation, would have been put into acceptable and salutary forms. Let us follow no such examples, nor weakly believe that one generation is not as capable as another of taking care of itself, and of ordering its own affairs. ** An abridged version is inscribed on the [[w:Jefferson Memorial|Jefferson Memorial]] in Washington, D.C.,[http://www.monticello.org/site/jefferson/quotations-jefferson-memorial] as follows: *** I am not an advocate for frequent changes in laws and constitutions, but laws and institutions must go hand in hand with the progress of the human mind. As that becomes more developed, more enlightened, as new discoveries are made, new truths discovered and manners and opinions change, with the change of circumstances, institutions must advance also to keep pace with the times. We might as well require a man to wear still the coat which fitted him when a boy as civilized society to remain ever under the regimen of their barbarous ancestors. * '''The dead? But the dead have no rights. They are nothing; and nothing cannot own something. Where there is no substance, there can be no accident. This corporeal globe, and everything upon it, belong to its present corporeal inhabitants, during their generation. They alone have a right to direct what is the concern of themselves alone, and to declare the law of that direction; and this declaration can only be made by their majority. That majority, then, has a right to depute representatives to a convention, and to make the constitution what they think will be the best for themselves.''' ==== Letter to Albert Gallatin (16 June 1817) ==== : <small>[http://press-pubs.uchicago.edu/founders/documents/a1_8_1s25.html Letter to Albert Galltin (16 June 1817)]</small> * Whereas, our tenet ever was, and, indeed, it is almost the only landmark which now divides the federalists from the republicans, '''that Congress had not unlimited powers to provide for the general welfare, but were restrained to those specifically enumerated;'''... === 1820s === [[File:William Holman Hunt - Christ And The Two Marys.jpg |thumb|That [[Jesus]] did not mean to impose himself on [[mankind]] as the son of [[God]], physically speaking, I have been convinced by the writings of men more learned than myself in that lore. But that he might conscientiously [[believe]] himself inspired from above, is very possible.]] [[File:Indian peace medal engraved by John Reich, De Young Museum.JPG|thumb|I know no safe depository of the ultimate [[powers]] of the [[society]] but the [[people]] themselves; and if we think them not [[enlightened]] enough to exercise their control with wholesome discretion, the remedy is not to take it from them, but to inform their discretion by [[education]]. This is the true corrective of abuses of constitutional power.]] [[File:Human eye reflecting the sun.jpg|thumb|Let the eye of vigilance never be closed.]] [[File:Drafting the Declaration of Independence. The Committee-Franklin, Jefferson, Adams, Livingston and Sherman. Copy of engr - NARA - 513332.tif|thumb|May it be to the world, what I believe it will be, (to some parts sooner, to others later, but finally to all), the signal of arousing men to burst the chains under which monkish [[ignorance]] and [[superstition]] had persuaded them to bind themselves, and to assume the blessings and security of [[self]]-[[government]].]] [[File:United states supreme court building.png|thumb|You seem to consider the federal judges as the ultimate arbiters of all constitutional questions, a very dangerous doctrine ... Our judges ... have with others the same passions for the party, for power and the privilege of the corps. Their power is the more dangerous, as they are in office for life and not responsible, as the other functionaries are, to the elective control. The Constitution has erected no such single tribunal, knowing that to whatever hands confided, with the corruptions of time and party, its members would become despots.]] [[File:Thomas Jefferson by Moses Jacob Ezekiel.JPG|thumb|The only security of all is in a free press. The force of public [[opinion]] cannot be resisted, when permitted freely to be expressed. The agitation it produces must be submitted to. It is [[necessary]], to keep the waters pure.]] [[File:12072012 Jefferson Memorial 04.jpg|thumb|[[All]] [[eyes]] are opened, or opening, to the [[rights]] of man.]] [[File:Nokota_Horses_cropped.jpg|thumb|The general spread of the light of science has already laid open to every view the palpable truth, that the mass of mankind has not been born with saddles on their backs, nor a favored few booted and spurred, ready to ride them legitimately, by the grace of God. These are grounds of hope for others.]] [[File:Fourth of July fireworks behind the Washington Monument, 1986.jpg|thumb|[L]et the annual return of this day forever refresh our recollections of these rights, and an undiminished devotion to them.]] * '''The priests of the different religious sects, who dread the advance of science as witches do the approach of day-light; and scowl on it the fatal harbinger announcing the subversion of the duperies on which they live.''' In this the Presbyterian clergy take the lead. the tocsin is sounded in all their pulpits, and the first alarm denounced is against the particular creed of Doctr. Cooper; and as impudently denounced as if they really knew what it is. ** Letter to [[w:José Correia da Serra|José Correia da Serra]] (11 April 1820) * Among the sayings and discourses imputed to him [Jesus] by his biographers, I find many passages of fine imagination, correct morality, and of the most lovely benevolence; and others again of so much ignorance, so much absurdity, so much untruth, charlatanism, and imposture, as to pronounce it impossible that such contradictions should have proceeded from the same being. I separate, therefore, the gold from the dross; restore to Him the former, and leave the latter to the stupidity of some, and roguery of others of His disciples. Of this band of dupes and impostors, Paul was the great Coryphaeus, and first corruptor of the doctrines of Jesus. These palpable interpolations and falsifications of His doctrines, led me to try to sift them apart. ** Letter to [[w:William Short (American ambassador)|William Short]] (13 April 1820) * I had for a long time ceased to read newspapers, or pay any attention to public affairs, confident they were in good hands, and content to be a passenger in our bark to the shore from which I am not distant. But this momentous question, like a firebell in the night, awakened and filled me with terror. I considered it at once as the knell of the Union. I regret that I am now to die in the belief that the useless sacrifice of themselves by the generation of 1776 to acquire self-government and happiness to their country is to be thrown away, and my only consolation is to be that I live not to weep over it. ** On the [[w:Missouri Compromise|Missouri Compromise]], in a letter to [[w:John Holmes (U.S. politician)|John Holmes]] (22 April 1820), published in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson: 1816-1826'' (1899) edited by Paul Leicester Ford, v. 10, p. 157; also quoted by [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]] in his ''[http://www.nps.gov/anti/historyculture/mlk-ep.htm Emancipation Proclamation Centennial Address]'' at the New York Civil War Centennial Commission’s Emancipation Proclamation Observance, New York City (12 September 1962) * We have the wolf by the ears, and we can neither hold him nor safely let him go. Justice is in one scale, self-preservation in the other. ** On slavery, in a letter to [[w:John Holmes (U.S. politician)|John Holmes]] (22 April 1820) * I regret that I am now to die in the belief, that the useless sacrifice of themselves by the generation of 1776, to acquire self- government and happiness to their country, is to be thrown away by the unwise and unworthy passions of their sons, and that my only consolation is to be, that I live not to weep over it. If they would but dispassionately weigh the blessings they will throw away, against an abstract principle more likely to be effected by union than by scission, they would pause before they would perpetrate this act of suicide on themselves, and of treason against the hopes of the world. To yourself, as the faithful advocate of the Union, I tender the offering of my high esteem and respect. ** Letter to [[w:John Holmes (U.S. politician)|John Holmes]] (22 April 1820) * '''My aim in that was, to justify the character of Jesus against the fictions of his pseudo-followers, which have exposed him to the inference of being an impostor.''' For if we could believe that he really countenanced the follies, the falsehoods and the charlatanisms which his biographers father on him, and admit the misconstructions, interpolations and theorizations of the fathers of the early, and fanatics of the latter ages, the conclusion would be irresistible by every sound mind, that he was an impostor. I give no credit to their falsifications of his actions and doctrines, and to rescue his character, the postulate in my letter asked only what is granted in reading every other historian. ... '''I say, that this free exercise of reason is all I ask for the vindication of the character of Jesus.''' We find in the writings of his biographers matter of two distinct descriptions. First, a groundwork of vulgar ignorance, of things impossible, of superstitions, fanaticisms and fabrications. Intermixed with these, again, are sublime ideas of the Supreme Being, aphorisms and precepts of the purest morality and benevolence, sanctioned by a life of humility, innocence and simplicity of manners, neglect of riches, absence of worldly ambition and honors, with an eloquence and persuasiveness which have not been surpassed. '''These could not be inventions of the groveling authors who relate them. They are far beyond the powers of their feeble minds. They shew that there was a character, the subject of their history, whose splendid conceptions were above all suspicion of being interpolations from their hands.''' Can we be at a loss in separating such materials, and ascribing each to its genuine author? The difference is obvious to the eye and to the understanding, and we may read as we run to each his part; and I will venture to affirm, that he who, as I have done, will undertake to winnow this grain from its chaff, will find it not to require a moment's consideration. The parts fall asunder of themselves, as would those of an image of metal and clay. ... '''There are, I acknowledge, passages not free from objection, which we may, with probability, ascribe to Jesus himself; but claiming indulgence from the circumstances under which he acted.''' His object was the reformation of some articles in the religion of the Jews, as taught by [[Moses]]. That sect had presented for the object of their worship, a being of terrific character, cruel, vindictive, capricious and unjust. Jesus, taking for his type the best qualities of the human head and heart, wisdom, justice, goodness, and adding to them power, ascribed all of these, but in infinite perfection, to the Supreme Being, and formed him really worthy of their adoration. Moses had either not believed in a future state of existence, or had not thought it essential to be explicitly taught to his people. Jesus inculcated that doctrine with emphasis and precision. Moses had bound the Jews to many idle ceremonies, mummeries and observances, of no effect towards producing the social utilities which constitute the essence of virtue; Jesus exposed their futility and insignificance. The one instilled into his people the most anti-social spirit towards other nations; the other preached philanthropy and universal charity and benevolence. The office of reformer of the superstitions of a nation, is ever dangerous. Jesus had to walk on the perilous confines of reason and religion: and a step to right or left might place him within the gripe of the priests of the superstition, a blood thirsty race, as cruel and remorseless as the being whom they represented as the family God of Abraham, of Isaac and of Jacob, and the local God of Israel. They were constantly laying snares, too, to entangle him in the web of the law. He was justifiable, therefore, in avoiding these by evasions, by sophisms, by misconstructions and misapplications of scraps of the prophets, and in defending himself with these their own weapons, as sufficient, ad homines, at least. '''That Jesus did not mean to impose himself on mankind as the son of God, physically speaking, I have been convinced by the writings of men more learned than myself in that lore. But that he might conscientiously believe himself inspired from above, is very possible.''' ** [http://www.stephenjaygould.org/ctrl/jefferson_jesus.html Letter to William Short (4 August 1820)] on his reason for composing a ''Syllabus of an Estimate of the Merit of the Doctrines of Jesus and referring to Jesus’ biographers, the Gospel writers''. Published in ''Thomas Jefferson: Writings'', Merrill D. Peterson, ed., New York: Library of America, 1994, pp.&nbsp;1435–1440 * To talk of immaterial existences is to talk of nothings. To say that the human soul, angels, god, are immaterial, is to say they are nothings, or that there is no god, no angels, no soul. I cannot reason otherwise: but I believe I am supported in my creed of materialism by Locke, Tracy, and Stewart. At what age of the Christian church this heresy of immaterialism, this masked atheism, crept in, I do not know. But heresy it certainly is. [...] I am satisfied, and sufficiently occupied with the things which are, without tormenting or troubling myself about those which may indeed be, but of which I have no evidence. ** [http://www.stephenjaygould.org/ctrl/jefferson_jadms.html Letter] to [[John Adams]] (15 August 1820) * Th. Jefferson returns his thanks to Dr. De La Motta for the eloquent discourse on the Consecration of the Synagogue of Savannah, which he has been so kind as to send him. It excites in him the gratifying reflection that his country has been the first to prove to the world two truths, the most salutary to human society, that man can govern himself, and that '''religious freedom is the most effectual anodyne against religious dissension''': the maxim of civil government being reversed in that of religion, where its true form is "[[w:United we stand, divided we fall|divided we stand, united, we fall]]." ** [http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/loc/madison.html Thomas Jefferson to Jacob De La Motta, September 1, 1820. Manuscript Division, Papers of Thomas Jefferson.] [http://sephardicoralhistory.org/education/essays.php?action=show&id=19 For the background of the letter see "Thomas Jefferson's Letter on Religious Freedom" Dr. Kenneth Libo Ph.D and Michael Skakun from the Center for Jewish History, New York City, New York.] * '''I know no safe depository of the ultimate powers of the society but the people themselves; and if we think them not enlightened enough to exercise their control with wholesome discretion, the remedy is not to take it from them, but to inform their discretion by education. This is the true corrective of abuses of constitutional power.''' ** Letter to [[w:William Jarvis (merchant)|William Charles Jarvis]] (28 September 1820) * The judiciary of the United States is the subtle corps of sappers and miners constantly working under ground to undermine the foundations of our confederated fabric. They are construing our constitution from a co-ordination of a general and special government to a general and supreme one alone. This will lay all things at their feet, and they are too well versed in English law to forget the maxim, ''boni judicis est ampliare juris-dictionem.'' We shall see if they are bold enough to take the daring stride their five lawyers have lately taken. If they do, then, with the editor of our book, in his address to the public, I will say, that "against this every man should raise his voice," and more, should uplift his arm. Who wrote this admirable address? Sound, luminous, strong, not a word too much, nor one which can be changed but for the worse. That pen should go on, lay bare these wounds of our constitution, expose the decisions seriatim, and arouse, as it is able, the attention of the nation to these bold speculators on its patience. Having found, from experience, that impeachment is an impracticable thing, a mere scare-crow, they consider themselves secure for life; they sculk from responsibility to public opinion, the only remaining hold on them, under a practice first introduced into England by Lord Mansfield. An opinion is huddled up in conclave, perhaps by a majority of one, delivered as if unanimous, and with the silent acquiescence of lazy or timid associates, by a crafty chief judge, who sophisticates the law to his mind, by the turn of his own reasoning ** [http://books.google.com/books?vid=0Fz_zz_wSWAiVg9LI1&id=vvVVhCadyK4C&pg=PA192&vq=%22impeachment+is+an+impracticable+thing%22&dq=%22jeffersons+works%22 Letter] to [[w:Thomas Ritchie|Thomas Ritchie]] (25 December 1820) * '''We are not afraid to follow truth wherever it may lead, nor to tolerate any error so long as reason is left free to combat it.''' ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/98-01-02-1712 Letter] to [[w:William Roscoe|William Roscoe]] (27 December 1820) * '''You seem to consider the federal judges as the ultimate arbiters of all constitutional questions, a very dangerous doctrine, indeed, and one which would place us under the despotism of an oligarchy. Our judges''' are as honest as other men, and not more so. They '''have with others the same passions for the party, for power and the privilege of the corps. Their power is the more dangerous, as they are in office for life and not responsible, as the other functionaries are, to the elective control. The Constitution has erected no such single tribunal, knowing that to whatever hands confided, with the corruptions of time and party, its members would become despots.''' It has more wisely made all departments co-equal and co-sovereign within themselves. ** Letter to [[w:William Jarvis (merchant)|William Charles Jarvis]] (1820) * Our country is now taking so steady a course as to show by what road it will pass to destruction, to wit: by consolidation of power first, and then corruption, its necessary consequence. The engine of consolidation will be the Federal judiciary; the two other branches the corrupting and corrupted instruments. ** Letter, Thomas Jefferson to Nathaniel Macon, 1821: ME 15-341, as quoted in ''The Assault on Reason'', Al Gore, A&C Black (2012, reprint), p. 87 : {{ISBN|1408835800}}, 9781408835807, and ''Federal Jurisdiction, Form #05.018'', Sovereignty Education and Defense Ministry (2012) * That one hundred and fifty lawyers should do business together ought not to be expected. ** On the U.S. Congress, in his ''Autobiography'' (6 January 1821) * '''Let the eye of vigilance never be closed.''' ** Letter to [[w:Spencer Roane|Spencer Roane]] (9 March 1821) * And even should the cloud of barbarism and despotism again obscure the science and libraries of Europe, this country remains to preserve and restore light and liberty to them. In short, the flames kindled on the fourth of July, 1776, have spread over too much of the globe to be extinguished by the feeble engines of despotism; on the contrary, they will consume these engines and all who work them. ** Letter to [[John Adams]] (12 September 1821) * Where the preamble declares, that coercion is a departure from the plan of the holy author of our religion, an amendment was proposed by inserting "Jesus Christ," so that it would read "A departure from the plan of Jesus Christ, the holy author of our religion;" the insertion was rejected by the great majority, in proof that they meant to comprehend, within the mantle of its protection, the Jew and the Gentile, the Christian and Mohammedan, the Hindoo and Infidel of every denomination. ** Referring to the Virginia Act for Religious Freedom, in his ''Autobiography'' (1821) * Were we directed from Washington when to sow and when to reap, we should soon want bread. ** ''Autobiography'' (1821), reprinted in ''Basic Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', ed. Philip S. Foner, New York: Wiley Book Company (1944} p. 464 * Nothing is more certainly written in the book of fate than that these people are to be free. Nor is it less certain that the two races, equally free, cannot live in the same government. Nature, habit, opinion has drawn indelible lines of distinction between them. It is still in our power to direct the process of emancipation and deportation peaceably and in such slow degree as that the evil will wear off insensibly, and their place be pari passu filled up by free white laborers. If on the contrary it is left to force itself on, human nature must shudder at the prospect held up. ** ''Autobiography'' (1821) in notes describing some of the debates of 1779 on slavery, quoted in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1843), p. 49 * '''The doctrines of [[Jesus]] are simple, and tend all to the happiness of man.''' :: 1. That there is one only God, and he all perfect. :: 2. That there is a future state of rewards and punishments. :: 3. That to love God with all thy heart and thy neighbor as thyself, is the sum of religion. : These are the great points on which he endeavored to reform the religion of the Jews. But compare with these the demoralizing dogmas of [[John Calvin|Calvin]]. :: 1. That there are three Gods. :: 2. That good works, or the love of our neighbor, are nothing. :: 3. That faith is every thing, and the more incomprehensible the proposition, the more merit in its faith. :: 4. That reason in religion is of unlawful use. :: 5. That God, from the beginning, elected certain individuals to be saved, and certain others to be damned; and that no crimes of the former can damn them; no virtues of the latter save. : Now, which of these is the true and charitable Christian? He who believes and acts on the simple doctrines of Jesus? Or the impious dogmatists, as [[w:Athanasius|Athanasius]] and Calvin? Verily I say these are the false shepherds foretold as to enter not by the door into the sheepfold, but to climb up some other way. They are mere usurpers of the Christian name, teaching a counter-religion made up of the deliria of crazy imaginations, as foreign from Christianity as is that of [[Muhammad|Mahomet]]. '''Their blasphemies have driven thinking men into infidelity, who have too hastily rejected the supposed author himself, with the horrors so falsely imputed to him. Had the doctrines of Jesus been preached always as pure as they came from his lips, the whole civilized world would now have been Christian.''' I rejoice that in this blessed country of free inquiry and belief, which has surrendered its creed and conscience to neither kings nor priests, the genuine doctrine of one only God is reviving, and I trust that there is not a young man now living in the United States who will not die an [[w:Unitarianism|Unitarian]].''' :* [[w:Thomas Jefferson|Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[w:Benjamin Waterhouse|Benjamin Waterhouse]] (26 June 1822), published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;12], pp.&nbsp;241–243 * They might need a preparatory discourse on the text of 'prove all things, hold fast that which is good,' in order to unlearn the lesson that reason is an unlawful guide in religion. They might startle on being first awaked from the dreams of the night, but they would rub their eyes at once, and look the spectres boldly in the face. ** Letter to Benjamin Waterhouse (19 July 1822), published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;12], p.&nbsp;244 * In our university [of Virginia] you know there is no Professorship of Divinity. A handle has been made of this, to disseminate an idea that this is an institution, not merely of no religion, but against all religion. Occasion was taken at the last meeting of the Visitors, to bring forward an idea that might silence this calumny, which weighed on the minds of some honest friends to the institution. ** Letter to [[w:Thomas Cooper (US politician)|Thomas Cooper]] (3 November 1822), published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;12], p.&nbsp;272 * '''No historical fact is better established, than that the doctrine of one God, pure and uncompounded, was that of the early ages of Christianity ... Nor was the unity of the Supreme Being ousted from the Christian creed by the force of reason, but by the sword of civil government, wielded at the will of the fanatic Athanasius.''' The hocus-pocus phantasm of a God like another Cerberus, with one body and three heads, had its birth and growth in the blood of thousands of martyrs ... The Athanasian paradox that one is three, and three but one, is so incomprehensible to the human mind, that no candid man can say he has any idea of it, and how can he believe what presents no idea? He who thinks he does, only deceives himself. He proves, also, that '''man, once surrendering his reason, has no remaining guard against absurdities the most monstrous, and like a ship without rudder, is the sport of every wind. With such person, gullibility which they call faith, takes the helm from the hand of reason, and the mind becomes a wreck.''' ** Letter to James Smith (1822) * I can never join [[John Calvin|Calvin]] in addressing ''his god''. He was indeed an Atheist, which I can never be; or rather his religion was Daemonism. If ever man worshipped a false god, he did. The being described in his 5 points is not the God whom you and I acknowledge and adore, the Creator and benevolent governor of the world; but a daemon of malignant spirit. It would be more pardonable to believe in no god at all, than to blaspheme him by the atrocious attributes of Calvin. Indeed I think that every Christian sect gives a great handle to Atheism by their general dogma that, without a revelation, there would not be sufficient proof of the being of a god. ** [http://www.stephenjaygould.org/ctrl/jefferson_adams.html Letter] to [[John Adams]] (11 April 1823) [http://memory.loc.gov/master/mss/mtj/mtj1/053/0800/0841.jpg (Scan at The Library of Congress)] * '''The truth is, that the greatest enemies of the doctrine of Jesus are those, calling themselves the expositors of them, who have perverted them to the structure of a system of fancy absolutely incomprehensible, and without any foundation in his genuine words. And the day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the supreme being as his father in the womb of a virgin will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter ... But may we hope that the dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with this artificial scaffolding, and restore to us the primitive and genuine doctrines of this most venerated reformer of human errors.''' ** [http://www.stephenjaygould.org/ctrl/jefferson_adams.html Letter] to [[John Adams]] (11 April 1823) [http://memory.loc.gov/master/mss/mtj/mtj1/053/0800/0844.jpg (Scan at The Library of Congress)] * The Constitution of the United States asserts that all power is inherent in the people; that they may exercise it by themselves; that it is their right and duty. ** Letter to Justice William Johnson (1823) * To constrain the brute force of the people, the European governments deem it necessary to keep them down by hard labor, poverty and ignorance, and to take from them, as from bees, so much of their earnings, as that unremitting labor shall be necessary to obtain a sufficient surplus to sustain a scanty and miserable life. ** Letter to Justice William Johnson (12 June 1823) * I agree with you that it is the duty of every good citizen to use all the opportunities, which occur to him, for preserving documents relating to the history of our country. ** Letter to Hugh P. Taylor (4 October 1823) * An hereditary chief, strictly limited, the right of war vested in the legislative body, a rigid economy of the public contributions, and absolute interdiction of all useless expenses, will go far towards keeping the government honest and unoppressive. But '''the only security of all is in a free press. The force of public opinion cannot be resisted, when permitted freely to be expressed. The agitation it produces must be submitted to. It is necessary, to keep the waters pure.''' ** [http://www.constitution.org/tj/jeff10.txt Letter to Marquis de la Fayette] (November 4, 1823); in: ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', Memorial Edition (ME) (Lipscomb and Bergh, editors), 20 Vols., Washington, D.C., 1903-04, Volume 15, page 491 * I thank you, Sir, for the copy you were so kind as to send me of the revd. Mr. Bancroft's Unitarian sermons. '''I have read them with great satisfaction, and always rejoice in efforts to restore us to primitive Christianity, in all the [[simplicity]] in which it came from the lips of [[Jesus]].''' Had it never been sophisticated by the subtleties of Commentators, nor paraphrased into [[meanings]] totally foreign to its [[character]], it would at this day have been the [[religion]] of the whole civilized [[world]]. But the metaphysical abstractions of [[Athanasius]], and the maniac ravings of [[Calvin]], tinctured plentifully with the foggy dreams of [[Plato]], have so loaded it with [[absurdities]] and incomprehensibilities, as to drive into infidelity men who had not [[time]], [[patience]], or [[opportunity]] to strip it of its meretricious trappings[.] ** Letter to [[w:John Davis|John Davis]] (18 January 1824). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;12], pp.&nbsp;331–332 * '''Men by their constitutions are naturally divided into two parties: 1. Those who fear and distrust the people, and wish to draw all powers from them into the hands of the higher classes. 2. Those who identify themselves with the people, have confidence in them, cherish and consider them as the most honest and safe, although not the most wise depositary of the public interests. In every country these two parties exist, and in every one where they are free to think, speak, and write, they will declare themselves.''' Call them, therefore, liberals and serviles, Jacobins and Ultras, whigs and tories, republicans and federalists, aristocrats and democrats, or by whatever name you please, they are the same parties still and pursue the same object. '''The last appellation of aristocrats and democrats is the true one expressing the essence of all.''' ** Letter to Henry Lee (10 August 1824) * I think myself that we have more machinery of government than is necessary, too many parasites living on the labor of the industrious. ** Letter to William Ludlow (6 September 1824) * It is between fifty and sixty years since I read it, and I then considered it merely the ravings of a maniac, no more worthy nor capable of explanation than the incoherences of our own nightly dreams. ... what has no meaning admits no explanation. ** Letter to General [[w:Alexander Smyth|Alexander Smyth]], on the book of ''Revelation'' (or ''The Apocalypse'' of St. John the Divine) (17 January 1825) [http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/02/04/opinion/main671823.shtml] * "A Decalogue of Canons for Observation in Practical Life" # Never put off till tomorrow what you can do to-day. # Never trouble another for what you can do yourself. # Never spend your money before you have it. # Never buy what you do not want, because it is cheap; it will be dear to you. # Pride costs us more than hunger, thirst and cold. # We never repent of having eaten too little. # Nothing is troublesome that we do willingly. # How much pain have cost us the evils which have never happened. # Take things always by their smooth handle. # When angry, count ten before you speak; if very angry, an hundred. :* [http://wiki.monticello.org/mediawiki/index.php?title=Canons_of_Conduct&printable=yes Letter to the infant Thomas Jefferson Smith] (21 February 1825) ([http://memory.loc.gov/master/mss/mtj/mtj1/054/1200/1268.jpg Image at Library of Congress]) * Some are whigs, liberals, democrats, call them what you please. Others are tories, serviles, aristocrats, &c. The latter fear the people, and wish to transfer all power to the higher classes of society; the former consider the people as the safest depository of power in the last resort; they cherish them therefore, and wish to leave in them all the powers to the exercise of which they are competent. ** [http://www.monticello.org/site/jefferson/when-government-fears-people-there-libertyquotation Letter to William Short] (1825) * An opinion prevails that there is no longer any distinction, that the republicans & Federalists are completely amalgamated but it is not so. The amalgamation is of name only, not of principle. All indeed call themselves by the name of Republicans, because that of Federalists was extinguished in the battle of New Orleans. But the truth is that finding that monarchy is a desperate wish in this country, they rally to the point which they think next best, a consolidated government. Their aim is now therefore to break down the rights reserved by the constitution to the states as a bulwark against that consolidation, the fear of which produced the whole of the opposition to the constitution at its birth. Hence new Republicans in Congress, preaching the doctrines of the old Federalists, and the new nick-names of Ultras and Radicals. But I trust they will fail under the new, as the old name, and that the friends of the real constitution and union will prevail against consolidation, as they have done against monarchism. '''I scarcely know myself which is most to be deprecated, a consolidation, or dissolution of the states. The horrors of both are beyond the reach of human foresight.''' ** Letter to William B. Giles (26 December 1825) * The good old Dominion, the blessed mother of us all. ** "Thoughts on Lotteries" (1826) *You will recollect that before the Revolution, [[w:Coke on Littleton|Coke Littleton]] was the universal elementary book of law students, and a sounder [[w:Whigs (British political party)|Whig]] never wrote, nor of profounder learning in the orthodox doctrines of the British constitution, or in what were called English liberties. You remember also that our lawyers were then all Whigs. But when his black-letter text, and uncouth, but cunning learning got out of fashion, and the honeyed [[William Murray, 1st Earl of Mansfield|Mansfieldism]] of [[William Blackstone|Blackstone]] became the students' hornbook, from that moment, that profession (the nursery of our Congress) began to slide into [[w:Tory|toryism]], and nearly all the young brood of lawyers now are of that hue. They suppose themselves, indeed, to be Whigs, because they no longer know what [[w:Whiggism|Whigism]] or republicanism means. **Letter to [[James Madison]] (February 17, 1826), quoted in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson, Vol. XVI'' (1905; 1907), p. 156 * '''There is not a [[truth]] existing which I [[fear]] or would wish unknown to the whole [[world]].''' ** Letter to [[Henry Lee]] (15 May 1826) * '''May it be to the world, what I believe it will be, (to some parts sooner, to others later, but finally to all), the signal of arousing men to burst the chains under which monkish ignorance and superstition had persuaded them to bind themselves, and to assume the blessings and security of self-government.''' ** Letter to Roger C. Weightman, on the decision for Independence made in 1776, often quoted as if in reference solely to the document the ''Declaration of Independence'' (24 June 1826) * '''All eyes are opened, or opening, to the rights of man. The general spread of the light of science has already laid open to every view the palpable truth, that the mass of mankind has not been born with saddles on their backs, nor a favored few booted and spurred, ready to ride them legitimately, by the grace of God. '''These are grounds of hope for others. For ourselves, let the annual return of this day forever refresh our recollections of these rights, and an undiminished devotion to them. ** [http://www.rjgeib.com/thoughts/jefferson/jefferson.html Letter to Roger C. Weightman''], declining to attend July 4th ceremonies in Washington D.C. celebrating the 50th anniversary of Independence, because of his health. This was [http://www.rjgeib.com/thoughts/jefferson/jefferson.html Jefferson's last letter]. (24 June 1826) * Life's visions are vanished, it's [[dreams]] are no more.<br>Dear friends of my bosom, why bathed in tears?<br>I go to my fathers; I welcome the shore,<br>which crowns all my hopes, or which buries my cares.<br>Then farewell my dear, my lov'd daughter, Adieu!<br>The last pang in life is in parting from you.<br>Two [[Angels|Seraphs]] await me, long shrouded in [[death]];<br>I will bear them your love on my last parting breath. ** "''A death-bed Adieu from Th. J. to M. R.''" Jefferson's poem to his eldest child, [[w:Martha Jefferson Randolph|Martha "Patsy" Randolph]], written during his last illness in 1826. [http://www.loc.gov/rr/program/bib/prespoetry/tj.html] Two days before his death, Jefferson told Martha that in a certain drawer in an old pocket book she would find something intended for her. [https://books.google.com/books?id=1F3fPa1LWVQC&pg=PA429&dq=%22in+a+certain+drawer+in+an+old+pocket+book%22&hl=en&sa=X&ei=NDa2VJX_OYOeNtCpg8gM&ved=0CCQQ6AEwAQ#v=onepage&q=%22in%20a%20certain%20drawer%20in%20an%20old%20pocket%20book%22&f=false] The "two seraphs" refer to Jefferson's deceased wife and younger daughter. His wife, [[w:Martha Jefferson| Martha]] (nicknamed "Patty"), died in 1782; his daughter [[w:Mary Jefferson Eppes|Mary]] (nicknamed "Polly" and also "Maria," died in 1804 * '''This is the Fourth?''' ** Last words (Jefferson died on 4 July 1826, the 50th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence) ** A few accounts declare that he asked on the night of the third:'' "Is it the fourth?" '' Most accounts declare the cited words were his last, and that he died a few hours before [[John Adams]], whose last words are reported to have been: ''"Thomas — Jefferson — still surv — "'' or ''"Thomas Jefferson still survives."''. ==== Letter to A. Coray (1823) ==== [[File:Thomas Jefferson.PNG|thumb|The equal [[rights]] of man, and the [[happiness]] of every [[individual]] ... are the only legitimate objects of [[government]].]] [[File:Schevill Karl Bitter Thomas Jefferson University of Virginia.jpg|thumb|In [[truth]], man is not made to be trusted for [[life]], if secured against all liability to account.]] [[File:Freedomofthepressstamp.jpg|thumb| This formidable [[censor]] of the public functionaries, by arraigning them at the tribunal of public [[opinion]], produces reform peaceably, which must otherwise be done by [[revolution]]. It is also the best instrument for [[enlightening]] the [[mind]] of man, and improving him as a rational, moral, and social being.]] : <small>Thomas Jefferson's letter to A. Coray a.k.a. Adamantios Koraes (a greek who published modern version of Greek classics to promote the [[w:Greek War of Independence|Greek revolutionary cause]]) from October 31, 1823 was [http://books.google.de/books?id=VGj4SzVoCfYC&pg=PA52&lpg=PA52&dq=thomas+jefferson+to+coray+Oct+31,+1823&source=bl&ots=OLDZHs_yDg&sig=Vqzqf_GegZqCG2TfCgdiX8Ttx30&hl=de&sa=X&ei=GLT6UJIbiOyyBuSIgGA&ved=0CH0Q6AEwCQ#v=onepage&q=thomas%20jefferson%20to%20coray%20Oct%2031%2C%201823&f=false a response to Koraes's gift] of his editions of Aristotele's ''Ethics'' and Onesander's ''Strategicos''. [http://www.constitution.org/tj/jeff15.txt The letter can be found in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', edited by Andrew A Lipscomb and William Elery Bergh, 20 volumes (Washington, D.C.: Thomas Jefferson Memorial Foundation, 1901-04), at pages 480-490 of volume 15.] In the letter Jefferson gives "you [[w:Federalism in the United States|some – thoughts on the subject of national government.]]"</small> * '''The equal [[rights]] of man, and the [[happiness]] of every [[individual]], are now acknowledged to be the only legitimate objects of [[government]].''' Modern times have the signal advantage, too, of having discovered '''the only device by which these rights can be secured, to wit: government by the people, acting not in person, but by representatives chosen by themselves, that is to say; by every man of ripe years and sane mind, who either contributes by his purse or person to the support of his country.''' * The small and imperfect mixture of representative government in England, impeded as it is by other branches, aristocratical and hereditary, shows yet the power of the representative principle towards improving the condition of man. With us, all the branches of the government are elective by the people themselves, except the judiciary, of whose science and qualifications they are not competent judges. Yet, even in that department, we call in a jury of the people to decide all controverted matters of fact, because to that investigation they are entirely competent, leaving thus as little as possible, merely the law of the case, to the decision of the judges. And true it is that '''the people, especially when moderately instructed, are the only safe, because the only honest, depositories of the public rights, and should therefore be introduced into the administration of them in every function to which they are sufficient; they will err sometimes and accidentally, but never designedly, and with a systematic and persevering purpose of overthrowing the free principles of the government. Hereditary bodies, on the contrary, always existing, always on the watch for their own aggrandizement, profit of every opportunity of advancing the privileges of their order, and encroaching on the rights of the people.''' * The extent of our country was so great, and its former division into distinct States so established, that we thought it better to confederate as to foreign affairs only. Every State retained its self-government in domestic matters, as better qualified to direct them to the good and satisfaction of their citizens, than a general government so distant from its remoter citizens, and so little familiar with the local peculiarities of the different parts. [...] There are now twenty-four of these distinct States, none smaller perhaps than your Morea, several larger than all Greece. Each of these has a constitution framed by itself and for itself, but militating in nothing with the powers of the General Government in its appropriate department of war and foreign affairs. These constitutions being in print and in every hand, I shall only make brief observations on them, and on those provisions particularly which have not fulfilled expectations, or which, being varied in different States, leave a choice to be made of that which is best. You will find much good in all of them, and no one which would be approved in all its parts. Such indeed are the different circumstances, prejudices, and habits of different nations, that the constitution of no one would be reconcilable to any other in every point. A judicious selection of the parts of each suitable to any other, is all which prudence should attempt [...]. * For if experience has ever taught a truth, it is that '''a plurality in the supreme Executive will forever split into discordant factions, distract the nation, annihilate its energies, and force the nation to rally under a single head, generally an usurper.''' We have, I think, fallen on the happiest of all modes of constituting the Executive, that of easing and aiding our President, by permitting him to choose Secretaries of State, of Finance, of War, and of the Navy, with whom he may advise, either separately or all together, and remedy their divisions by adopting or controlling their opinions at his discretion; this saves the nation from the evils of a divided will, and secures to it a steady march in the systematic course which the President may have adopted for that of his administration. * '''Our different States have differently modified their several judiciaries as to the tenure of office. Some appoint their judges for a given term of time; some continue them during good behavior, and that to be determined on by the concurring vote of two-thirds of each legislative House.''' In England they are removable by a majority only of each House. The last is a practicable remedy; the second is not. The combination of the friends and associates of the accused, the action of personal and party passions, and the sympathies of the human heart, will forever find means of influencing one-third of either the one or the other House, will thus secure their impunity, and establish them in fact for life. '''The first remedy is the best, that of appointing for a term of years only, with a capacity of reappointment if their conduct has been approved.''' * '''At the establishment of our constitutions, the judiciary bodies were supposed to be the most helpless and harmless members of the government. Experience, however, soon showed in what way they were to become the most dangerous; that the insufficiency of the means provided for their removal gave them a freehold and irresponsibility in office; that their decisions, seeming to concern individual suitors only, pass silent and unheeded by the public at large; that these decisions, nevertheless, become law by precedent, sapping, by little and little, the foundations of the constitution, and working its change by construction, before any one has perceived that that invisible and helpless worm has been busily employed in consuming its substance. In truth, man is not made to be trusted for life, if secured against all liability to account.''' * But, '''whatever be the constitution, great care must be taken to provide a mode of amendment, when experience or change of circumstances shall have manifested that any part of it is unadapted to the good of the nation.''' In some of our States it requires a new authority from the whole people, acting by their representatives, chosen for this express purpose, and assembled in convention. This is found ' too difficult for remedying the imperfections which experience develops from time to time in an organization of the first impression. A greater facility of amendment is certainly requisite to maintain it in a course of action accommodated to the times and changes through which we are ever passing. In England the constitution may be altered by a single act of the legislature, which amounts to the having no constitution at all. '''In some of our States, an act passed by two different legislatures, chosen by the people, at different and successive elections, is sufficient to make a change in the constitution. As this mode may be rendered more or less easy, by requiring the approbation of fewer or more successive legislatures, according to the degree of difficulty thought sufficient, and yet safe, it is evidently the best principle which can be adopted for constitutional amendments.''' * I have stated that the constitutions of our several States vary more or less in some particulars. But '''there are certain principles''' in which all agree, and '''which all cherish as vitally essential to the protection of the life, liberty, property, and safety of the citizen''': # '''[[w:Freedom of religion|Freedom of religion]]''', restricted only from acts of trespass on that of others. # '''[[w:Political freedom|Freedom of person]]''', securing every one from imprisonment, or other bodily restraint, but by the laws of the land. This is effected by the well-known law of [[w:Habeas Corpus|habeas corpus]]. # '''[[w:Jury_trial|Trial by jury]], the best of all safeguards for the person, the property, and the fame of every individual.''' # '''The exclusive right of legislation and taxation in the representatives of the people'''. # '''[[w:Freedom of the press|Freedom of the press]]''', subject only to liability for personal injuries. '''This formidable censor of the public functionaries, by arraigning them at the tribunal of public opinion, produces reform peaceably, which must otherwise be done by revolution. It is also the best instrument for enlightening the mind of man, and improving him as a rational, moral, and social being.''' ==== Letter to Frances Wright (1825) ==== : <small>[http://alexpeak.com/twr/jefferson/#1784 Letter to Frances Wright (7 August 1825)]</small> * The abolition of [[Slavery|the evil]] is not impossible; it ought never therefore to be despaired of. Every plan should be adopted, every experiment tried, which may do something towards [[Freedom|the ultimate object]]. === Posthumous publications === [[File:General George Washington Resigning his Commission.jpg|thumb|I have ever deemed it more honorable and profitable, too, to set a good example than to follow a bad one.]] [[File:Thomas Jefferson's Grab.JPG|thumb|Here was buried Thomas Jefferson, author of the Declaration of American Independence, of the Statute of Virginia for Religious Freedom, and Father of the University of Virginia.]] * '''It is not by the consolidation or concentration, of powers, but by their distribution that good government is effected.''' ** ''Memoirs, Correspondence and Private Papers of Thomas Jefferson'' (1829) edited by Thomas Jefferson Randolph, p. 70 * The religion-builders have so distorted and deformed the doctrines of [[Jesus]], so muffled them in mysticisms, fancies and falsehoods, have caricatured them into forms so monstrous and inconceivable, as to shock reasonable thinkers. ... Happy in the prospect of a restoration of primitive Christianity, I must leave to younger athletes to encounter and lop off the false branches which have been engrafted into it by the mythologists of the middle and modern ages. ** ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1853-1854), edited by H. A. Washington, Vol. 7, pp. 210, 257 * '''I have ever deemed it more honorable and profitable, too, to set a good example than to follow a bad one.''' ** As quoted in ''The Life and Writings of Thomas Jefferson : Including All of His Important Utterances on Public Questions'' (1900) by Samuel E. Forman, p. 429 * I never consider a difference of opinion in politics, in religion, in philosophy, as cause for withdrawing from a friend. ** As quoted in ''The Life and Writings of Thomas Jefferson : Including All of His Important Utterances on Public Questions'' (1900) by Samuel E. Forman, p. 429 * Good wine is a necessity of life for me. ** As quoted in ''The Man from Monticello : An Intimate Life of Thomas Jefferson'' (1969) by Thomas J. Fleming, p. 250 * '''Here was buried Thomas Jefferson, author of the Declaration of American Independence, of the Statute of Virginia for Religious Freedom, and Father of the University of Virginia.''' ** Epitaph, upon his instructions to erect a ''"a plain die or cube ... surmounted by an Obelisk"'' with ''"the following inscription, and not a word more...because by these, as testimonials that I have lived, I wish most to be remembered."'' It omits that he had been President of the United States, a position of political power and prestige, and celebrates his involvement in the creation of the means of inspiration and instruction by which many human lives have been liberated from oppression and ignorance. ==== On financial matters ==== : <small>This section was added by an editor primarily citing ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' Memorial Edition (Lipscomb and Bergh, editors) (ME) 20 Vols., Washington, D.C. (1903-04) as the source. </small> <!-- further dating of the letters cited, rather than their serial classification would be helpful --> [[File:Thomas Jefferson commerative silver dollar.png|thumb|The idea of creating a national bank I do not concur in, because it seems now decided that Congress has not that power...]] [[File:Thomas Jefferson Presidential $1 Coin obverse.png|thumb|I am an enemy to all banks discounting bills or notes for anything but coin.]] [[File:US $2 1918 Federal Reserve Bank Note.jpg|thumb|Necessity, as well as patriotism and confidence, will make us all eager to receive treasury notes, if founded on specific taxes.]] [[File:US $2 obverse-high.jpg|thumb|There can be no safer deposit on earth than the Treasury of the United States.]] * The incorporation of a bank and the powers assumed [by legislation doing so] have not, in my opinion, been delegated to the United States by the Constitution. They are not among the powers specially enumerated. ** [http://www.yamaguchy.netfirms.com/7897401/jefferson/natbank.html ''Opinion on the Constitutionality of the Bill for Establishing a National Bank., 1791.''] ME 3:146 * The government of the United States have no idea of paying their debt in a depreciated medium, and... in the final liquidation of the payments which shall have been made, due regard will be had to an equitable allowance for the circumstance of depreciation. ** Letter to Jean Baptiste de Ternant, 1791. ME 8:247 * I wish it were possible to obtain a single amendment to our Constitution. I would be willing to depend on that alone for the reduction of the administration of our government to the genuine principles of its Constitution; I mean an additional article, taking from the federal government the power of borrowing. ** Letter to [[w:John Taylor (1770-1832)|John Taylor]] (26 November 1798), shortened in ''The Money Masters'' to "I wish it were possible to obtain a single amendment to our Constitution ... taking from the federal government their power of borrowing". * The monopoly of a single bank is certainly an evil. The multiplication of them was intended to cure it; but it multiplied an influence of the same character with the first, and completed the supplanting the precious metals by a paper circulation. Between such parties the less we meddle the better. ** Letter to Albert Gallatin, 1802. ME 10:323 * In order to be able to meet a general combination of the banks against us in a critical emergency, could we not make a beginning towards an independent use of our own money, towards holding our own bank in all the deposits where it is received, and letting the treasurer give his draft or note for payment at any particular place, which, in a well-conducted government, ought to have as much credit as any private draft or bank note or bill, and would give us the same facilities which we derive from the banks? ** [http://www.yamaguchy.netfirms.com/7897401/jefferson/gallatin.html ''Letter to Albert Gallatin, 1803.''] ME 10:439 * [The] Bank of the United States... is one of the most deadly hostility existing, against the principles and form of our Constitution... An institution like this, penetrating by its branches every part of the Union, acting by command and in phalanx, may, in a critical moment, upset the government. I deem no government safe which is under the vassalage of any self-constituted authorities, or any other authority than that of the nation, or its regular functionaries. What an obstruction could not this bank of the United States, with all its branch banks, be in time of war! It might dictate to us the peace we should accept, or withdraw its aids. Ought we then to give further growth to an institution so powerful, so hostile? ** Letter to Albert Gallatin, 1803. ME 10:437 * The principle of rotation... in the body of [bank] directors... breaks in upon the esprit de corps so apt to prevail in permanent bodies; it gives a chance for the public eye penetrating into the sanctuary of those proceedings and practices, which the avarice of the directors may introduce for their personal emolument, and which the resentments of excluded directors, or the honesty of those duly admitted, might betray to the public; and it gives an opportunity at the end of the year, or at other periods, of correcting a choice, which on trial, proves to have been unfortunate. ** Letter to Albert Gallatin, 1803. ME 10:437 * It has always been denied by the republican party in this country, that the Constitution had given the power of incorporation to Congress. On the establishment of the Bank of the United States, this was the great ground on which that establishment was combated; and the party prevailing supported it only on the argument of its being an incident to the power given them for raising money. ** Letter to Dr. Maese, 1809. ME 12:231 * That we are overdone with banking institutions which have banished the precious metals and substituted a more fluctuating and unsafe medium, that these have withdrawn capital from useful improvements and employments to nourish idleness, that the wars of the world have swollen our commerce beyond the wholesome limits of exchanging our own productions for our own wants, and that, for the emolument of a small proportion of our society who prefer these demoralizing pursuits to labors useful to the whole, the peace of the whole is endangered and all our present difficulties produced, are evils more easily to be deplored than remedied. ** Letter to Abbe Salimankis, 1810. ME 12:379 * The idea of creating a national bank I do not concur in, because it seems now decided that Congress has not that power (although I sincerely wish they had it exclusively), and because I think there is already a vast redundancy rather than a scarcity of paper medium. ** Letter to Thomas Law, 1813. FE 9:433 * Everything predicted by the enemies of banks, in the beginning, is now coming to pass. We are to be ruined now by the deluge of bank paper. It is cruel that such revolutions in private fortunes should be at the mercy of avaricious adventurers, who, instead of employing their capital, if any they have, in manufactures, commerce, and other useful pursuits, make it an instrument to burden all the interchanges of property with their swindling profits, profits which are the price of no useful industry of theirs. ** Letter to Thomas Cooper, 1814. ME 14:61 * I am an enemy to all banks discounting bills or notes for anything but coin. ** Letter to Thomas Cooper, 1814. ME 14:61 * Necessity, as well as patriotism and confidence, will make us all eager to receive treasury notes, if founded on specific taxes. Congress may borrow of the public, and without interest, all the money they may want, to the amount of a competent circulation, by merely issuing their own promissory notes, of proper denominations for the larger purposes of circulation, but not for the small. Leave that door open for the entrance of metallic money. ** Letter to Thomas Cooper, 1814. ME 14:189 * The State legislatures should be immediately urged to relinquish the right of establishing banks of discount. Most of them will comply, on patriotic principles, under the convictions of the moment; and the non-complying may be crowded into concurrence by legitimate devices. ** Letter to Thomas Cooper, 1814. ME 14:190 * Instead of funding issues of paper on the hypothecation of specific redeeming taxes (the only method of anticipating, in a time of war, the resources of times of peace, tested by the experience of nations), we are trusting to tricks of jugglers on the cards, to the illusions of banking schemes for the resources of the war, and for the cure of colic to inflations of more wind. ** Letter to [[w:José Correia da Serra|José Correia da Serra]] (1814) ME 14:224 * Treasury notes of small as well as high denomination, bottomed on a tax which would redeem them in ten years, would place at our disposal the whole circulating medium of the United States... The public... ought never more to permit its being filched from them by private speculators and disorganizers of the circulation. ** Letter to William H. Crawford, 1815. ME 14:242 * I hope we shall... crush in it’s birth the aristocracy of our monied corporations which dare already to challenge our government to a trial of strength and bid defiance to the laws of our country ** [http://memory.loc.gov/master/mss/mtj/mtj1/049/0600/0642.jpg''Letter to George Logan, 1816''] * Put down the banks, and if this country could not be carried through the longest war against her most powerful enemy without ever knowing the want of a dollar, without dependence on the traitorous classes of her citizens, without bearing hard on the resources of the people, or loading the public with an indefinite burden of debt, I know nothing of my countrymen. Not by any novel project, not by any ''charlatanerie'', but by ordinary and well-experienced means; by the total prohibition of all private paper at all times, by reasonable taxes in war aided by the necessary emissions of public paper of circulating size, this bottomed on special taxes, redeemable annually as this special tax comes in, and finally within a moderate period. ** [http://www.yamaguchy.netfirms.com/7897401/jefferson/gallatin1.html ''Letter to Albert Gallatin, 1815.''] ME 14:356 * Our people... will give you all the necessaries of war they produce, if, instead of the bankrupt trash they now are obliged to receive for want of any other, you will give them a paper promise funded on a specific pledge, and of a size for common circulation. ** Letter to James Monroe, 1815. ME 14:228 * The system of banking we have both equally and ever reprobated. I contemplate it as a blot left in all our constitutions, which, if not covered, will end in their destruction, which is already hit by the gamblers in corruption, and is sweeping away in its progress the fortunes and morals of our citizens. ** [http://www.yamaguchy.netfirms.com/7897401/jefferson/jefftaylor.html ''Letter to John Taylor''] (28 May 1816): The Writings of Thomas Jefferson "Memorial Edition" (20 Vols., 1903-04) edited by Andrew A. Lipscomb and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. 15, p. 18) * The bank mania is one of the most threatening of these imitations. It is raising up a moneyed aristocracy in our country which has already set the government at defiance, and although forced at length to yield a little on this first essay of their strength, their principles are unyielded and unyielding. These have taken deep root in the hearts of that class from which our legislators are drawn, and the sop to Cerberus from fable has become history. Their principles lay hold of the good, their pelf of the bad, and thus those whom the Constitution had placed as guards to its portals, are sophisticated or suborned from their duties. ** Letter to Josephus B. Stuart (May 10, 1817) ME 15:112; reported in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', ed. Andrew A. Lipscomb (1904), vol. 15, p. 112 * Nearly all of it is now called in by the banks, who have the regulation of the safety-valves of our fortunes, and who condense and explode them at their will. ** [http://www.yamaguchy.netfirms.com/7897401/jefferson/1819.html Letter to John Adams (1819)] ME 15:224 * Certainly no nation ever before abandoned to the avarice and jugglings of private individuals to regulate according to their own interests, the quantum of circulating medium for the nation — to inflate, by deluges of paper, the nominal prices of property, and then to buy up that property at 1s. in the pound, having first withdrawn the floating medium which might endanger a competition in purchase. Yet this is what has been done, and will be done, unless stayed by the protecting hand of the legislature. The evil has been produced by the error of their sanction of this ruinous machinery of banks; and justice, wisdom, duty, all require that they should interpose and arrest it before the schemes of plunder and spoliation desolate the country. ** Letter to William C. Rives (1819) ME 15:232 * Put down all banks, admit none but a metallic circulation that will take its proper level with the like circulation in other countries, and then our manufacturers may work in fair competition with those of other countries, and the import duties which the government may lay for the purposes of revenue will so far place them above equal competition. ** Letter to Charles Pinckney (1820) ME 15:280 * There can be no safer deposit on earth than the Treasury of the United States. ** Letter to [[Gilbert du Motier, marquis de Lafayette]] (1825) ME 19:281 ==== On [[botany]] ==== * Botany is the school for patience, and it’s amateurs learn resignation from daily disappointments. ** Thomas Jefferson, in letter to Madame de Tessé (25 Apr 1788). In ''Thomas Jefferson Correspondence: Printed from the Originals'' (1916), 7. * There is not a sprig of grass that shoots uninteresting to me. ** Thomas Jefferson Letter (23 Dec 1790) to Martha Jefferson Randolph. Collected in B.L. Rayner (ed.), Sketches of the Life, Writings, and Opinions of Thomas Jefferson (1832), 192. * The naturalists, you know, distribute the history of nature into three kingdoms or departments: zoology, botany, mineralogy. Ideology, or mind, however, occupies so much space in the field of science, that we might perhaps erect it into a fourth kingdom or department. But inasmuch as it makes a part of the animal construction only, it would be more proper to subdivide zoology into physical and moral. ** Thomas Jefferson, Letter (24 Mar 1824) to Mr. Woodward. Collected in The Writings of Thomas Jefferson: Correspondence (1854), 339. * The greatest service which can be rendered any country is to add an useful plant to its culture; especially, a bread grain; next in value to bread is oil. ** Thomas Jefferson, ''In Memoir, Correspondence, and Miscellanies from the Papers of T. Jefferson'' (1829), Vol. 1, 144 == Attributed == * I have always said, and always will say, that the studious perusal of the sacred volume will make better citizens, better fathers, and better husbands. ** Attributed to Jefferson by Daniel Webster in a letter of 15 June 1852 addressed to Professor Pease, recalling a Sunday spent with Jefferson more than a quarter of a century before. * The habit of using ''ardent spirit'', by men in public office, has occasioned more injury to the public service, and more trouble to me, than any other circumstance which has occurred in the internal concerns of the country, during my administration. And were I to commence my administration again, with the knowledge which from experience I have acquired, the first question which I would ask, with regard to every candidate for public office, should be, "''Is he addicted to the use of ardent spirit?''" ** Attributed by an unnamed "distinguished officer of the United States Government" in the ''Sixth Report of the American Temperance Society'', May, 1833, [http://books.google.com/books?id=h_c0wbAOQ5kC&pg=PA237&dq=%22The+habit+of+using+ardent+spirit%22 pp. 10-11]. ** Later variant: Were I to commence my administration again,... the first question I would ask respecting a candidate would be, "Does he use ardent spirits?" * I allow nothing for losses by death, but, on the contrary, shall presently take credit four per cent. per annum, for their increase over and above keeping up their own numbers. ** On his profits from slavery as quoted in ''[http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-dark-side-of-thomas-jefferson-35976004/ The Dark Side of Thomas Jefferson]'', by Henry Wiencek, ''Smithsonian Magazine'', (October 2012) * Children till 10. years old to serve as nurses. from 10. to 16. the boys make nails, the girls spin. at 16. go into the ground or learn trades. ** Jefferson's Farm Book as quoted in ''[http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-dark-side-of-thomas-jefferson-35976004/ The Dark Side of Thomas Jefferson]'', by Henry Wiencek, ''Smithsonian Magazine'', (October 2012) * My new trade of nail-making is to me in this country what an additional title of nobility or the ensigns of a new order are in Europe ** As quoted in ''[http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-dark-side-of-thomas-jefferson-35976004/ The Dark Side of Thomas Jefferson]'', by Henry Wiencek, ''Smithsonian Magazine'', (October 2012) * I forgot to ask the favor of you to speak to Lilly as to the treatment of the nailers. it would destroy their value in my estimation to degrade them in their own eyes by the whip. this therefore must not be resorted to but in extremities. as they will again be under my government, I would chuse they should retain the stimulus of character. ** Letter to colonel Randolph as quoted in ''[http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-dark-side-of-thomas-jefferson-35976004/ The Dark Side of Thomas Jefferson]'', by Henry Wiencek, ''Smithsonian Magazine'', (October 2012) * I am quite at a loss about the nailboys remaining with mr Stewart. they have long been a dead expence instead of profit to me. in truth they require a vigour of discipline to make them do reasonable work, to which he cannot bring himself. on the whole I think it will be best for them also to be removed to mr Lilly’s [control]. ** In a letter to James Dinsmore as quoted in ''[http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-dark-side-of-thomas-jefferson-35976004/ The Dark Side of Thomas Jefferson]'', by Henry Wiencek, ''Smithsonian Magazine'', (October 2012) * A child raised every 2. years is of more profit then the crop of the best laboring man. in this, as in all other cases, providence has made our duties and our interests coincide perfectly.... [W]ith respect therefore to our women & their children I must pray you to inculcate upon the overseers that it is not their labor, but their increase which is the first consideration with us. ** In letter to plantation manager, as quoted in ''[http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-dark-side-of-thomas-jefferson-35976004/ The Dark Side of Thomas Jefferson]'', by Henry Wiencek, ''Smithsonian Magazine'', (October 2012) * Dispersed as the Jews are, they still form one nation, foreign to the land they live in. ** As quoted in ''The Americans'' by Daniel Boorstin. See ''[https://www.google.com.br/books/edition/Truth_from_the_Zog_Bog/Jrsic_27OCsC?gbpv=1&pg=PA81&printsec=frontcover Truth from the "Zog Bog"]'' by Gyeorgos Ceres Hatonn, 1993, 224 p. {{Disputed begin}} == Disputed == * '''In matters of style, swim with the current: in matters of principle, stand like a rock.''' ** As quoted in ''Careertracking: 26 success Shortcuts to the Top'' (1988) by James Calano and Jeff Salzman; though used in an address by [[Bill Clinton]] (31 March 1997), and sometimes cited to ''Notes on the State of Virginia'' (1787) no earlier occurence of this has yet been located. * I have recently been examining all the known superstitions of the world, and do not find in our particular superstition one redeeming feature. They are all alike founded on fables and mythology. ** Quoted in {{cite book | year = 1906 | title = Six Historic Americans | first = John E. | last = Remsburg | section = chapter 2 | location = New York | publisher = The Truth Seeker Company | ol = 13504056M | oclc = 2219498 | page = 74 | url = http://www.archive.org/details/sixhistoricameri00rems }}, who claimed it to be from a letter to "Dr. Woods." The full letter is never reproduced, and the Jefferson Foundation [http://www.monticello.org/site/jefferson/superstition-christianity-quotation lists] the quotation as spurious. {{Disputed end}} {{Misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == * When governments fear the people, there is liberty. When the people fear the government, there is tyranny. ** Variant: Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty. ** First attributed to Jefferson in 1945, this does not appear in any known Jefferson document. [http://wiki.monticello.org/mediawiki/index.php/When_governments_fear_the_people,_there_is_liberty...(Quotation) When governments fear the people, there is liberty...], Thomas Jefferson Encyclopedia. It first appears in 1914, in {{cite book | last = Barnhill | first = John Basil | authorlink = John Basil Barnhill | chapter = Indictment of Socialism No. 3 | title = Barnhill-Tichenor Debate on Socialism | url = http://debs.indstate.edu/b262b3_1914.pdf | format = PDF | accessdate = 2008-10-16 | year = 1914 | publisher = National Rip-Saw Publishing | location = Saint Louis, Missouri | pages = p. 34 }} * The price of freedom is eternal vigilance. ** Often attributed to Jefferson, no original source for this has been found in his writings, and the earliest established source for similar remarks are those of [[w:John Philpot Curran|John Philpot Curran]] in a speech upon the Right of Election (1790), published in ''Speeches on the late very interesting State trials'' (1808): :: "It is the common fate of the indolent to see their rights become a prey to the active. '''The condition upon which God hath given liberty to man is eternal vigilance'''; which condition if he break, servitude is at once the consequence of his crime and the punishment of his guilt." :* In a biography of Major General James Jackson published in 1809, author Thomas Charlton wrote that one of the obligations of biographers of famous people is </br> :: "fastening upon the minds of the American people the belief, that ''''the price of liberty is eternal vigilance'''' " (in Thomas Usher Pulaski Charlton, [https://books.google.com.br/books?id=cEcSAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA85&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q&f=false ''The life of Major General James Jackson'']; F.Randolph, & Co., 1809, p. 85). :* Variant: "'''Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty'''; power is ever stealing from the many to the few" (from a speech by [[Wendell Phillips]] at the Massachusetts Anti-Slavery Society on January 28, 1852; quoted by John Morley, ed., [https://books.google.com.br/books?id=VfjRAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA67&lpg=PA67&dq=%E2%80%9CEternal+vigilance+is+the+price+of+liberty.%E2%80%9D+phillips+speech+anti-slavery&source=bl&ots=H2f8ckIw9o&sig=EukDrduBdK-oQSeY_Gf-VFQ6M54&hl=en&ei=SaxmTN-0H4P98AbioIi0BA&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q=%E2%80%9CEternal%20vigilance%20is%20the%20price%20of%20liberty.%E2%80%9D%20phillips%20speech%20anti-slavery&f=false ''The Fortnightly''], Volume VIII, Chapman and Hall, 1870, p. 67). * A society that will trade a little liberty for a little order will lose both, and deserve neither. ** This has actually become a common paraphrase of a statement that is believed to have originated with [[Benjamin Franklin]]: ''Those who would give up Essential Liberty to purchase a little Temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety''. * There is no justification for taking away individuals' freedom in the guise of public safety. ** This seems more like something [[Benjamin Franklin]] might have said. There's no record Thomas Jefferson said it. * Resistance to tyranny is obedience to God. ** ''Variation'': Disobedience to tyranny is obedience to God. ** This statement has often been attributed to Jefferson and sometimes to English theologian [[William Tyndale]], or [[Susan B. Anthony]], who used it, but cited it as an "old revolutionary maxim" — it was widely used as an abolitionist and feminist slogan in the 19th century. [[Benjamin Franklin]] proposed in August 1776 a very similar quote (Rebellion to Tyrants is Obedience to God) as the motto on the [http://www.greatseal.com/committees/firstcomm/reverse.html Great Seal of the United States]. The earliest definite citations of a source yet found in research for Wikiquote indicates that the primary formulation was declared by Massachusetts Governor [[w:Simon Bradstreet|Simon Bradstreet]] after [[w:1689 Boston revolt|the overthrow]] of [[w:Dominion of New England|Dominion of New England]] Governor [[w:Edmund Andros|Edmund Andros]] in relation to the "[[w:Glorious Revolution|Glorious Revolution]]" of 1688, as quoted in ''Official Report of the Debates and Proceedings in the State Convention: assembled May 4th, 1853'' (1853) by the Massachusetts Constitutional Convention, p. 502. It is also quoted as a maxim that arose after the overthrow of Andros in ''A Book of New England Legends and Folk Lore'' (1883) by Samuel Adams Drake. p. 426 * Dissent is the highest form of patriotism. ** Various; earliest source ''[http://www.worldcat.org/oclc/21414360 The Use of Force in International Affairs]'' (Philadelphia: Friends Peace Committee, 1961), 6, and popularized by various users in the 1960s: *** If what your country is doing seems to you practically and morally wrong, is dissent the highest form of patriotism? **** [http://wiki.monticello.org/mediawiki/index.php/Dissent_is_the_highest_form_of_patriotism_(Quotation) Dissent is the highest form of patriotism], Thomas Jefferson Encyclopedia ** Other form by historian [[Howard Zinn]] ''[http://www.tompaine.com/Archive/scontent/5908.html Dissent In Pursuit Of Equality, Life, Liberty And Happiness: An Interview With Historian Howard Zinn]'' by Sharon Basco, [http://TomPaine.com TomPaine.com], July 03 2002 (The quote can be found in the first sentence of Mr. Zinn's first answer; nowhere in that article does Howard Zinn attribute that quote to Jefferson.): *** While some people think that dissent is unpatriotic, I would argue that dissent is the highest form of patriotism. ** Law professor Jim Lindgren of The [[w:Volokh Conspiracy|Volokh Conspiracy]] has traced the possible origin of this saying back as far as the 11 November 1984 obituary of pacifist activist [[w:Dorothy Hutchinson | Dorothy Hewitt Hutchinson]] in the [[w:The Philadelphia Inquirer|Philadelphia Inquirer]], quoting a 1965 interview. The direct quote there is: ''"Dissent from public policy can be the highest form of patriotism," she said in an interview in 1965. "I don't think democracy can survive without it, even though you may be crucified by it at times."'' According to the professor's [http://volokh.com/posts/1146554363.shtml research], the misattribution was popularized in the 1990's by [[w:American Civil Liberties Union|ACLU]] president [[w:Nadine Strossen | Nadine Strossen]]. Bill Mullins of the [[American Dialect Society]] did [http://listserv.linguistlist.org/cgi-bin/wa?A2=ind0605A&L=ADS-L&P=R1297&I=-3 further research]. * Government big enough to supply everything you need is big enough to take everything you have ... The course of history shows that as a government grows, liberty decreases. ** Commonly quoted on many websites, this quotation is actually from an address by President [[Gerald Ford]] [http://www.bartleby.com/73/714.html to the US Congress (12 August 1974)] * The best government is that which governs least. ** Motto of ''United States Magazine and Democratic Review''. First used in introductory essay by editor [[w:John L. O'Sullivan|John L. O'Sullivan]] in the premier issue (October, 1837, [http://books.google.com/books?id=HGtJAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA6&dq=%22governs+least%22 p. 6]). Attributed to Jefferson by [[Henry David Thoreau]], this statement is cited in his essay on civil disobedience, but the quote has not been found in Jefferson's own writings. It is also commonly attributed to [[Thomas Paine]], perhaps because of its similarity in theme to many of his well-documented expressions such as "Society in every state is a blessing, but government even in its best state is but a necessary evil; in its worst state an intolerable one." ** Variant: "That government is best which governs least"; reported in Paul F. Boller, Jr., and John George, ''They Never Said It: A Book of Fake Quotes, Misquotes, & Misleading Attributions'' (1989), p. 56 * The Christian god can easily be pictured as virtually the same god as the many ancient gods of past civilizations. The Christian god is a three headed monster; cruel, vengeful and capricious. If one wishes to know more of this raging, three headed beast-like god, one only needs to look at the caliber of people who say they serve him. They are always of two classes: fools and hypocrites. ** See the [http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/quotes/jeffphony.htm Positive Atheism] site on the extreme unlikelihood of this quote being authentic. It actually contains some known phrases of Jefferson's, but they are compounded with almost certainly false statements into a highly misrepresentative whole. Jefferson's own opinions on [[Jesus]], [[God]], [[Christianity]] and general opinions about them were far more complex than is indicated in this statement. * The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government. ** According to the Jefferson Library, this is among the many [http://wiki.monticello.org/mediawiki/index.php/Category:Spurious_Quotations statements misattributed to Jefferson.] * Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not. ** According to the Jefferson Library, this is [http://wiki.monticello.org/mediawiki/index.php/Those_who_hammer_their_guns_into_plows misattributed to Jefferson]. <div id="control_the_issue"> * If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by [[deflation]], the banks and the corporations which grow up around them will deprive the people of all property until their children wake up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered. ** ''Respectfully Quoted'' says this is "obviously spurious", noting that the OED's earliest citation for the word "deflation" is from 1920. The earliest known appearance of this quote is from 1935 (Testimony of Charles C. Mayer, ''Hearings Before the Committee on Banking and Currency, House of Representatives, Seventy-fourth Congress, First Session, on H.R. 5357'', p. 799) </div> * I sincerely believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. Already they have raised up a money aristocracy that has set the government at defiance. The issuing power should be taken from the banks and restored to the people to whom it properly belongs. ** The earliest known appearance of this statement is from 1895 (Joshua Douglass, "Bimetallism and Currency", ''American Magazine of Civics'', 7:256). It is apparently a combination of paraphrases or approximate quotations from three separate letters of Jefferson (longer excerpts in sourced section): ** I sincerely believe, with you, that banking institutions are more dangerous than standing armies... *** Letter to John Taylor (1816) ** The bank mania...is raising up a moneyed aristocracy in our country which has already set the government at defiance... *** Letter to Josephus B. Stuart (1817) ** Bank paper must be suppressed, and the circulating medium must be restored to the nation to whom it belongs. *** Letter to John W. Eppes (1813) * I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it. ** Has been attributed to [[Stephen Leacock]]'s "Literary Lapses" (1910), but the quote does not appear in the [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/6340/6340.txt Project Gutenberg edition] of this work. ** Variant: I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have. * A democracy is nothing more than mob rule, where 51 percent of the people may take away the rights of the other 49. ** There are no indications that Jefferson ever stated anything like this; slight variants of this statement seem to have become widely attributed to Jefferson only since its appearance in three books of 2004: ''The Adventures of Jonathan Gullible: A Free Market Odyssey'' (2004) by Ken Schoolland, p. 235; ''Damn-ocracy — Government From Hell!: The Political, Economic And Money System'' (2004) by Wendall Dennis and ''Reason And Reality : A Novel'' (2004) by Mishrilal Jain, p. 232; see also [http://wiki.monticello.org/mediawiki/index.php/Democracy_is_nothing_more_than_mob_rule info at ''Thomas Jefferson Encyclopedia'']. * The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not. ** This quotation first appeared in ''Dreams Come Due: Government and Economics as if Freedom Mattered'' (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1986), p. 312, written under the pseudonym of John Galt. It is there attributed to Jefferson, but is not found anywhere in his works. See the [http://www.monticello.org/site/jefferson/democracy-will-cease-to-exist-quotation ''Thomas Jefferson Encyclopedia'']. * '''If a law is unjust, a man is not only right to disobey it, he is obligated to do so.''' ** Variant: '''When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty.''' ** Variant: '''When tyranny becomes law, rebellion becomes duty.''' ** Not attributed to Jefferson until the 21st century. May be a loose paraphrasing of a passage from [[w:United States Declaration of Independence|Declaration of Independence]] (1776): "But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security." * '''Equal rights for all, special privileges for none.''' ** Not attribution to Jefferson earlier than William Jennings Bryan's Baltimore address of January 20, 1900 ** [http://cdnc.ucr.edu/cgi-bin/cdnc?a=d&d=LAH19000121.2.94 California Digital Newspaper Collection, Los Angeles Herald].; appears in proximity to a reference to Jefferson in the 1878 "Notes of a Voyage to California Via Cape Horn", reprinting a 1850 Sacramento advertisment ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=Cis3Ni8wJkgC&pg=PA280 via Google Books] Samuel Curtis Upham, '''"Notes of a Voyage to California Via Cape Horn: Together with Scenes in El Dorado, in the Year 1849-'50, with an Appendix Containing Reminiscences: Together with the Articles of Association and Roll of Members of "The Associated Pioneers of the Territorial Days of California"'''.. Earliest known variant is from the August 31, 1844 issue of "Niles' National Register", authored by the committee of William C. Bryant, George P. Barker, John W. Edmonds, David Dudley Field, Theodore Sedgwick, Thomas W. Tucker, and Isaac Townsend. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=M1oUAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA438 via Google Books]. * Almighty God, Who has given us this good land for our heritage; We humbly beseech Thee that we may always prove ourselves a people mindful of Thy favor and glad to do Thy will. Bless our land with honorable ministry, sound learning, and pure manners. Save us from violence, discord, and confusion, from pride and arrogance, and from every evil way. Defend our liberties, and fashion into one united people, the multitude brought hither out of many kindreds and tongues. Endow with Thy spirit of wisdom those whom in Thy name we entrust the authority of government, that there may be justice and peace at home, and that through obedience to Thy law, we may show forth Thy praise among the nations of the earth. In time of prosperity fill our hearts with thankfulness, and in the day of trouble, suffer not our trust in Thee to fail; all of which we ask through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. ** This is a misquotation of a prayer from the 1928 ''Book of Common Prayer'' (''ministry'' should be ''industry'' and ''arrogance'' should be ''arrogancy''). This was a revision from an earlier edition. The original form, written by George Lyman Locke, appeared in the 1885 edition. In 1994 William J. Federer attributed it to Jefferson in ''America's God and Country: Encyclopedia of Quotations'', pp. 327-8. See the [http://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/national-prayer-peace ''Thomas Jefferson Encyclopedia'']. * The two enemies of the people are criminals and government, so let us tie the second down with the chains of the Constitution so the second will not become the legalized version of the first. ** Not found in any of Thomas Jefferson's writings. This may be a conflation of Jefferson's "chains of the Constitution" comment with [[Ayn Rand]]'s statement in her essay, ''Man's Rights'': "There are two potential violators of man’s rights: the criminals and the government. The great achievement of the United States was to draw a distinction between these two — by forbidding to the second the legalized version of the activities of the first."[http://www.monticello.org/site/jefferson/two-enemies-people-are-criminals-and-governmentquotation] * The issue today is the same as it has been throughout all history, whether man shall be allowed to govern himself or be ruled by a small elite. ** Not found in Jefferson's writings. [http://www.tcfrank.com/essays/Check_It_Yourself] * If you want something you have never had, you must be willing to do something you have never done. ** Not found in Jefferson's writings, [https://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/if-you-want-something-you-have-never-had-quotation according to the Jefferson Monticello center]. First known appearance in print is from 2004. * The first consideration in immigration is the welfare of the receiving nation. In a new government based on principles unfamiliar to the rest of the world and resting on the sentiments of the people themselves, the influx of a large number of new immigrants unaccustomed to the government of a free society could be detrimental to that society. Immigration, therefore, must be approached carefully and cautiously. ** This misattribution seems to have originated as improper quoting of an actually ''site-created'' preamble to an online page of Jefferson's quotes or paraphrases at the site [https://famguardian.org/index.htm ''Family Guardian''] — self described as a "Nonprofit Christian religious ministry dedicated to protecting people and families from extortion, persecution, exploitation, socialism, divorce, crime, and sin." Among the preambles to their pages, '''these remarks summarizing the site creators' assessments on [https://famguardian.org/subjects/politics/thomasjefferson/jeff1280.htm "Immigration Policy"] for their page of Jefferson's statements regarding the subject''', have occasionally been wrongly copied and distributed in various internet articles and comments ''as if'' they were direct "quotes" of Jefferson, sometimes with spurious citations to specific documents, most commonly the source of the first actual quote citation on that page:<!-- , as of February 2019, --> an 1806 letter to Albert Gallatin. It should also be noted that even the provided "quotes" at this site are not absolutely reliable, as on their [https://famguardian.org/subjects/politics/thomasjefferson/jeffcont.htm index page for quotes of ''Thomas Jefferson on Politics & Government''] they indicate that some of the "quotes" they use are modernized and "generalized" (or in other words: ''paraphrased'') in ways which diverge slightly from literal quotations of the original sources cited. * Widespread poverty and concentrated wealth cannot long endure side by side in a democracy ** Attributed to Jefferson in speeches by FDR[http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/campaign-address/] and JFK,[https://www.jfklibrary.org/archives/other-resources/john-f-kennedy-speeches/pittsburgh-pa-19470603] but actually a quote ''about'' Jefferson by Charles A. Beard in 1936.[https://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/widespread-poverty-and-concentrated-wealth-spurious-quotation] * Tyranny is defined as that which is legal for the government but illegal for the citizenry. ** A wonderful quote, if only it were true, despite no shortage image-quote-memes online. ** "Spurious" here: https://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/tyranny-defined-which-legal-government-spurious-quotation ** "Not True" here: https://www.truthorfiction.com/thomas-jefferson-tyranny-is-defined-as-that-which-is-legal-for-the-government-quote/ {{Misattributed end}} == Quotes about Jefferson == [[File:MtRushmore Tom close.jpg|thumb| Your [[character]] in [[history]] may easily be foreseen. Your administration will be quoted by [[philosophers]] as a model of profound [[wisdom]]; by [[politicians]], as weak, superficial, and shortsighted. ~ [[John Adams]] ]] [[File:Martha Jefferson.jpg|thumb|[[w:Sally Hemings|Sally Hemings]] was his [[servant]], and had little [[power]]. She was dependent [[economically]], though this does not mean her [[feelings]] were [[irrelevant]]. But it does mean that he had extraordinary power, and she very little, and so, as his concubine, she had probably replicated her [[mother]]'s relationship with Jefferson's father-in-law; for she was, in fact, Jefferson's late [[wife]]'s half-[[sister]], and I have described the Hemings family as a parallel, subordinate family to the all-white Jeffersons. ~ Andrew Burstein]] [[File:Thomas Hovenden - The Last Moments of John Brown - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|The natural equal rights of men. If Washington or Jefferson or Madison should utter upon his native soil today the opinions he entertained and expressed upon [[Slavery|this question]], he would be denounced as a fanatical abolitionist. To declare the right of all men to liberty is sectional, because slavery is afraid of liberty and strikes the mouth that speaks the word. ~ [[George William Curtis]]]] [[File:Frederick_Douglass_at_National_Portrait_Gallery_IMG_4542.JPG|thumb|[[w:Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]] was not ashamed to call the black man his brother and to address him as a gentleman. ~ [[Frederick Douglass]]]] : <small>Sorted alphabetically by author or source</small> * How development of nations keeps the reality a little behind the wish and the will. That is, the people live under a rule made by others. Each generation is governed, necessarily, by a former generation. Jefferson's great idea: Let it be governed by its own ideas. ** [[John Dalberg-Acton, 1st Baron Acton|Lord Acton]], private notes, quoted in G. E. Fasnacht, ''Acton's Political Philosophy: An Analysis'' (1952), p. 197 * Almost every other American statesman might be described in a parenthesis. A few broad strokes of the brush would paint the portraits of all the early Presidents with this exception, and a few more strokes would answer for any member of their many cabinets; but Jefferson could be painted only touch by touch, with a fine pencil, and the perfection of the likeness depended upon the shifting and uncertain flicker of its semi-transparent shadows. ** [[Henry Adams]], ''History of the United States of America During the First Administration of Thomas Jefferson'' (1891), p. 277 * '''Your [[character]] in [[history]] may easily be foreseen. Your administration will be quoted by [[philosophers]] as a model of profound [[wisdom]]; by [[politicians]], as weak, superficial, and shortsighted. Mine, like Pope's woman, will have no character at all.''' ** [[John Adams]], in a letter to Jefferson (July 1813), published in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1903) Vol. 13, edited by Andrew Adgate Lipscomb and Albert Ellery Bergh, p. 301 * Jefferson surely knew [[slavery]] was wrong, but he didn't have the courage to lead the way to emancipation. If you hate slavery and the terrible things it did to human beings, it is difficult to regard Jefferson as a great man, or a good man. He was a spendthrift, always deeply in debt. He never freed his slaves... He could not rise above convenience. To be a slave-holder meant one had to regard the African American as inferior in every way. One had to believe that the worst white man was better than the best black man. If you did not believe these things you could justify yourself to yourself. So Jefferson could condemn slavery in words, but not in deeds. Jefferson had slaves at his magnificent estate, Monticello, who were superb artisans, shoemakers, masons, carpenters, cooks. But like every bigot, he never said, after seeing a skilled African craftsman at work or enjoying the fruits of his labor, 'Maybe I'm wrong'. He already knew that. He ignored the words of his fellow revolutionary John Adams, who said that the revolution would never be complete until the slaves were free. ** [[w:Stephen E. Ambrose|Stephen E. Ambrose]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=n2J675woMLwC ''To America: Personal Reflections of an Historian''], pp. 2&ndash;5 * The thoroughness with which Jefferson exorcised the influence of his opponents still astounds. He removed a whole cohort of young Federalists from civil and military offices; he eliminated domestic taxes; he substantially reduced the national debt; he shrank the size of the bureaucracy despite the growth in population and territory; he hastened the conveyance of national land to ordinary farmers; and he replaced Federalist formality with a nonchalance in matters of etiquette that quite amazed foreign dignitaries. ** [[w:Joyce Appleby|Joyce Appleby]], 'Introduction: Jefferson and His Complex Legacy', in Peter S. Onuf (ed.), ''Jeffersonian Legacies'' (1993), pp. 11-12 * Jefferson's profound antagonism to the debasing effects of tyranny inspired his greatest lines of prose. He carried to his death his hostility to authoritarian doctrines, precedents, and officials. But Jefferson was more than a catalyst for the liberal opinions rife in the society, he was the live wire that made the connection between Enlightenment philosophy and American public policy... Successful in perpetuating his pristine republican style of government for a quarter of a century, Jefferson laid the intellectual foundation for limited government and the intellectual undergirding for Americans' suspicion of governmental power, even that exercised by the people. ** [[w:Joyce Appleby|Joyce Appleby]], 'Introduction: Jefferson and His Complex Legacy', in Peter S. Onuf (ed.), ''Jeffersonian Legacies'' (1993), pp. 13-14 * ''[On Jefferson's relationships with [[w:Sally Hemings|Sally Hemings]] and the likelihood of his DNA providing evidence of their living descendants.]'' I would not characterize it as an affair, or suggest that the relationship can be understood in modern terms. On Jefferson's [[isolated]] [[mountaintop]], [[sex]] took place as part of a [[hierarchy]] that everyone involved [[understood]]. Jefferson, and those of his [[class]], did not share our current understanding of sexual [[morality]]. Sally Hemings was his [[servant]], and had little [[power]]. She was dependent [[economically]], though this does not mean her [[feelings]] were [[irrelevant]]. But it does mean that he had extraordinary power, and she very little, and so, as his concubine, she had probably replicated her [[mother]]'s relationship with Jefferson's father-in-law; for she was, in fact, Jefferson's late [[wife]]'s half-[[sister]], and I have described the Hemings family as a parallel, subordinate family to the all-white Jeffersons. ... Technically, there were other Jeffersons with matching DNA characteristics, but the white Jefferson descendents who established the family denial in the mid-nineteenth century cast responsibility for paternity on two Jefferson nephews (children of Jefferson’s sister) whose DNA was not a match. So, as far as can be reconstructed, there are no Jeffersons other than the president who had the degree of physical access to Sally Hemings that he did. ** [[w:Andrew Burstein|Andrew Burstein]], as quoted in [https://historynewsnetwork.org/article/13102 "The Unknown Jefferson: An Interview with Andrew Burstein" by Richard Shenkman, at ''History News Network'' (25 July 2005)]<!-- accessed 14 March 2011 + 2020·04·12 --> * I don't know that Jefferson could have survived as a farmer then in that society without having an ability to work his farm with...slavery. It seems abominable to us looking back, but was a way of life then. And I think the saving grace of Jefferson's philosophy is that the things for which he stood and which he expressed so vividly and so clearly and emotionally, were what later permitted our country to escape from slavery itself. ** [[Jimmy Carter]] in the Thomas Jefferson Memorial Foundation documentary, ''Thomas Jefferson: Pursuit of Liberty'' (1991), quoted in 'How Presidents See the Presidency', ''Humanities'', Volume 14, Number 1 (January/February 1993), p. 12 * All the Founding Fathers hated [[Democracy]] — Thomas Jefferson was a partial exception, but only partial. ** [[Noam Chomsky]], '''Understanding Power: The Indispensable Chomsky'' (2002) edited by Peter R. Mitchell and John Schoeffel * He honored religious teachers who did not use mystifications to gain illegitimate power, eventually believing [[Jesus]] the greatest of these. He appreciated the role of religious institutions. But he was very leery of any priesthood and had almost no involvement with any organized religious sect, possibly because he found the options available to him so uninviting... Jefferson never doubted such a creative and providential god, even when he tried without success to understand the views of authentic atheists. This cosmology remained the foundation of his private religious beliefs and a support both for objective knowledge and moral confidence. He was so certain of his beliefs in such a creative god, in a planned and ordered universe, and in a divinely implanted moral sense in each person, that he assumed, quite incorrectly as we know, that such beliefs were universal, at the heart of all religions. When anyone challenged such beliefs, he easily and routinely referred to the evidence of design in nature and in the human mind. Such evidence made belief in a creative and purposeful god unchallengeable, self-evident. ** Paul K. Conkin, 'The Religious Pilgrimage of Thomas Jefferson', in Peter S. Onuf (ed.), ''Jeffersonian Legacies'' (1993), p. 20 * Jefferson, apparently very early in life, found most of this distinctive [[Christianity|Christian]] superstructure unbelievable, save for the assurance of life after death. In the middle years of his life he affirmed the Semitic cosmology without the Christian superstructure, although not without some sense of loneliness in a society so assertively Christian. He was persuaded, in part by the strictures of orthodox critics, that his form of religious rationalism did not qualify as Christian, and thus he did not so profess. In times of stress and anxiety he sought inspiration and consolation not in Christian sources but in [[w:Stoicism|Stoic]] and [[w:Epicureanism|Epicurean]] moral philosophers. Then, in a period stretching from the early 1790s until the time he became president, he discovered a minimalist, [[w:Unitarianism|unitarian]] version of Christianity, most of whose tenets he could affirm. He remained a reasonably consistent advocate of such a unitarianism until he died. ** Paul K. Conkin, 'The Religious Pilgrimage of Thomas Jefferson', in Peter S. Onuf (ed.), ''Jeffersonian Legacies'' (1993), p. 21 * Never did a man achieve more fame for what he did not do. ** Virginia abolitionist [[w:Moncure D. Conway|Moncure Conway]] on Jefferson's reputation as the would be emancipator as quoted in ''[http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-dark-side-of-thomas-jefferson-35976004/ The Dark Side of Thomas Jefferson]'', by Henry Wiencek, ''Smithsonian Magazine'', (October 2012) * To the twentieth-century mind Jefferson's views on race stand in contrast to the liberal stance that he took on most of the major issues of the day; yet his repeated condemnation of the instutition of slavery and his insistent arguments that steps must be taken to bring it to an end placed him in advance of most, but far from all, eighteenth-century persons. ** Noble Cunningham, as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=vslA7TGpgdwC&pg=PA27&dq=%22this+abomination+must+have+an+end+and%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiIjMz40f7JAhXERyYKHZYnApUQ6AEIIjAB#v=onepage&q=%22this%20abomination%20must%20have%20an%20end%20and%22&f=false ''Where Did the Party Go?''], by Jeff Taylor, p. 29 * '''There was not in all the colonial legislation of America one single law which recognized the rightfulness of slavery in the abstract; that in 1774 Virginia stigmatized the slave-trade as 'wicked, cruel, and unnatural'; that in the same year Congress protested against it 'under the sacred ties of virtue, honor, and love of country';''' that in 1775 the same Congress denied that God intended one man to own another as a slave; that the new Discipline of the Methodist Church, in 1784, and the Pastoral Letter of the Presbyterian Church, in 1788, denounced slavery; that abolition societies existed in slave States, and that it was hardly the interest even of the cotton-growing States, where it took a slave a day to clean a pound of cotton, to uphold the system... Jefferson, in his address to the Virginia Legislature of 1774, says that 'the abolition of domestic slavery is the greatest object of desire in these colonies, where it was unhappily introduced in their infant state'; and while he constantly remembers to remind us that the Jeffersonian prohibition of slavery in the territories was lost in 1784, he forgets to add that it was lost, not by a majority of votes — for there were sixteen in its favor to seven against it — but because the sixteen votes did not represent two thirds of the States; and he also incessantly forgets to tell us that this Jeffersonian prohibition was restored by the Congress of 1785, and erected into the famous Northwest Ordinance of 1787, which was re-enacted by the first Congress of the United States and approved by the first President. ** [[George William Curtis]], [https://archive.org/details/orationsandaddr03curtgoog "The Present Aspect of the Slavery Question"] (18 October 1859), New York City * The natural equal rights of men. If Washington or Jefferson or Madison should utter upon his native soil today the opinions he entertained and expressed upon this question, he would be denounced as a fanatical abolitionist. To declare the right of all men to liberty is sectional, because slavery is afraid of liberty and strikes the mouth that speaks the word. To preach slavery is not sectional — no: because freedom respects itself and believes in itself enough to give an enemy fair play. Thus Boston asked Senator Toombs to come and say what he could for slavery. I think Boston did a good thing, but I think Senator Toombs is not a wise man, for he went. He went all the way from Georgia to show Massachusetts how slavery looks, and to let it learn what it has to say. When will Georgia ask Wendell Phillips or Charles Sumner to come down and show her how liberty looks and speaks? ** [[George William Curtis]], [https://archive.org/details/orationsandaddr03curtgoog "The Present Aspect of the Slavery Question"] (18 October 1859), New York City * With the sure sagacity of a leader of men, Washington at once selected, for the highest and most responsible stations, the three chief Americans who represented the three forces in the nation which alone could command success in the institution of the government. [[Alexander Hamilton|Hamilton]] was the head, [[w:Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]] was the heart, and [[John Jay]] was the conscience. Washington's just and serene ascendancy was the lambent flame in which these beneficent powers were fused, and nothing less than that ascendancy could have ridden the whirlwind and directed the storm that burst around him. ** [[George William Curtis]], as quoted in ''Manual Of Patriotism : For Use in the Public Schools of the State of New York'' (1900), by Charles Rufus SkinnerTake, p. 261 * One cannot question the genuineness of Jefferson’s liberal dreams. He was one of the first statesmen in any part of the world to advocate concrete measures for restricting and eradicating Negro slavery. ** Historian [[David Brion Davis]], as quoted in ''[http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-dark-side-of-thomas-jefferson-35976004/ The Dark Side of Thomas Jefferson]'', by Henry Wiencek, ''Smithsonian Magazine'', (October 2012) * "Mr. Jefferson displays a mild, easy and obliging temper," commented the duc de La Rochefoucald-Liancourt, "though he is somewhat cold and reserved. His conversation is the most agreeable kind." Jefferson was open and approachable, yet he maintained an impregnable core of inner feeling that has frustrated his biographers. He had an insatiable curiosity about all aspects of life. His fondness for structure and order can be seen in the meticulous records he maintained on plant life and weather conditions at Monticello. Despite his many years in politics, he never acquired two attributes usually considered essential to success in that profession: a thick skin and a gift for oratory. He was acutely sensitive to public criticism and, although captivating in small groups, delivered notoriously unmoving speeches before large crowds. He tended to mumble softly out of earshot of much of his audience. ** William A. DeGregorio, ''The Complete Book of U.S. Presidents'' (1984), p. 37-38 * You profess to [[believe]] "that, of one blood, [[God]] made all nations of men to dwell on the face of all the [[earth]]," and hath commanded all men, everywhere to [[love]] one another; yet you notoriously [[hate]], (and [[glory]] in your hatred), all men whose skins are not colored like your own. You declare, before the world, and are understood by the world to declare, that you "hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal; and are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights; and that, among these are, life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness;" and yet, '''you hold securely, in a bondage which, according to your own [[Thomas Jefferson]], "is worse than ages of that which your fathers rose in rebellion to oppose," a seventh part of the inhabitants of your country.''' ** [[Frederick Douglass]], ''What to the Slave is the Fourth of July?'' (1852) * [[w:Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]] was not ashamed to call the black man his brother and to address him as a gentleman. ** [[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/self-made-men/ "Self-Made Men"] (1872) * The story of black Sal is no farce—That he cohabits with her and has a number of children by her is a sacred truth—and the worst of it is he keeps the same children slaves—an unnatural crime which is very common in these parts. ** [[w:Elijah Fletcher|Elijah Fletcher]], Ed. Thos. Jefferson Loony; et al. (2006). "Elijah Flecther's Account of a Visit to Monticello" May 8, 1811. Thos. Jefferson Papers, Retirement Series, Vol. 3: Princeton. p. 610 * Jefferson's invention of the ''[[w:Jefferson disk|Wheel Cypher]]'' represents a contribution to [[w:Cryptography|cryptographic]] science so far in advance of his time that at least a century had to elapse before a similar invention was independently made by a second inventor in the field. ** [[w:William F. Friedman|William F. Friedman]] to the editors of ''The Papers of Thomas Jefferson'' (November 17, 1949), quoted in ''The Papers of Thomas Jefferson, Volume 1: 1760–1776'', eds. Julian P. Boyd, Lyman H. Butterfield and Mina R. Bryan (1950), p. viii, n. 3 * His anti-slavery sentiments, so forcibly given in his Notes on Virginia, will be quoted with impressive effect as long as slavery exists in our land. It is true, he was a slaveholder; and hence his theory was better than his practice. It is apparent, moreover, that he had clearer views of the impolicy of the slave-system, than of its guilt. But he never dishonored his judgement, or perverted his good sense, by attempting to prove the lawfulness of holding the colored race in bondage. ** [[William Lloyd Garrison]], ‘Jefferson on Slavery’, ''The Genius of Universal Emancipation, A Monthly Periodical Work, Containing Original Essays, Documents, and Facts, Relative to the Subject of African Slavery: Volume II. Third Series—Commencing May, 1831'' (1831–1832), pp. 202–203 * Jefferson, moved by anger and scorn against the planter class for its fellowship and partnership in the tyranny of the Crown, threw off its allurements, so congenial to his tastes and habits, and allied himself absolutely, unreservedly, actively, permanently with the wronged masses. In the struggle in that agricultural community between the "planters," or large landowners, and the "settlers," or small landowners, Jefferson's heart was always with the latter. ** [[Henry George]], 'Jefferson and the Land Question' (May 1, 1904), quoted in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson: Vol. XVI'' (1907), p. iv * Jefferson saw in the widespread ownership of land, in families made self-sufficient and independent by their farming, the best defence that could be erected against the arrogation of additional powers by the State, or by any who might wish to construct an economic or political oligarchy. Men, he frequently said, had not sought freedom in order to acquire property, but, rather, had acquired property in order to ensure freedom... Jefferson's analysis of democracy is one that still possesses a certain relevance. In so far as he believed that even the democratic State could become an elective tyranny, he spoke prophetically. In so far as he believed that property provided the best defence against that tyranny, he reminds us all of the importance of property, and of the dangers to democracy that result from its abolition. ** Daniel Green, ''To Colonize Eden: Land and Jeffersonian Democracy'' (1977), pp. 31-32 * Then there's the odd, of course, fact that he had a very long love affair with a woman who he owned, who he inherited from his father-in-law, who was his wife's half-sister, and produced several children by her, whose descendants have mainly been brought up on the white side of the color line. So in a strange way, his own patrimony disproves his own belief that there couldn't be coexistence between black and white Americans. ** [[Christopher Hitchens]], "Living in Thomas Jefferson's Fictions", ''NPR'', 1 June 2005, accessed 7 May 2012 * Consider this simple syllogism: Slavery is bad; Thomas Jefferson owned slaves; so, Thomas Jefferson was bad. Consider this simplistic precept: Racism is bad. Both are anything but profound and certainly not illuminating, but they typify, with due consideration for hyperbole, the quality and blinkered approach to Jeffersonian scholarship in the past several decades. The focal issue has been Jefferson’s racism, and the issue within the issue has been his assumed relationship with Sally Hemings. Jeffersonian scholarship has become an exercise in battology — a useless, fatuous repetition of the same claims but with a slightly different twist. "Jefferson was a racist but he really loved Sally Hemings" versus "Jefferson was a racist and he raped Sally Hemings," and so on. Those twists are what merit publication. The collision of radically different, but historically reasonable, ideas, needed for advances in historical scholarship, has become anathema. ... The situation at [[w:Monticello|Monticello]] is toxic. They are unwilling to aim to settle the issues of Jefferson’s paternity and of his avowed racism by [[rational]] [[debate]] concerning the [[evidence]], or even concerning what ought to count as evidence. Members of TJF — and many of them are, I suspect, sufficiently unfamiliar with Jefferson to be [[judges]] of the issue of paternity — have elected themselves to be the sole arbiters of Thomas Jefferson’s legacy, which is no longer open to debate. ... TJF’s depiction of Jefferson, jaded as it is, has won the day. It is now no longer necessary to recognize others who disagree with TJF, to read their arguments, to assess critically those arguments, and to engage in debate with them. ... While it is laudable that members of the TJF [[wish]] to be viewed historically as paladins of [[human rights]], they are doing so by constructing an image of Jefferson that is warped by [[political]] [[ideals]]. Their Jefferson is an opportunist, [[hypocrite]], [[racist]], and perhaps even rapist, and they do not give voice to scholars who disagree. The climate is authoritarian — certainly not in keeping with Jefferson’s republican thinking. ** M. Andrew Holowchak, in [https://historynewsnetwork.org/article/170713 "Is Monticello Monetizing Race at Jefferson's Expense?", ''History News Network'' (15 December 2018)]<!-- Retrieved 16 December 2018 + 2020·04·12 --> * "True," replied M. de —, "'''he considers a free press as the paladium of [[liberty]].''' I went today an hour before his time of dining, and was received in his cabinet while he was finishing a letter; I took up one of your public journals which lay upon his table, and was astonished and shocked to find its columns filled with the lowest abuse, and vilest of calumnies of the President. I threw it down with indignation, exclaiming, why do you not have the fellow hung who dares to write these abominable lies! He smiled at my warmth, and replied, 'hang the guardian of public morals? no, sir; rather would I protect the spirit of freedom which dictates even that abuse. Put that paper into your pocket, my good friend, and when you hear any one doubt the reality of American liberty, show them that paper, and tell them where you found it; you cannot have a better proof of its existence. '''Sir, the country where public men are amenable to public opinion; where not only their official measures, but their private morals, are open to the scrutiny and animadversion of every citizen, is more secure from despotism and corruption, than it could be rendered by the wisest code of laws, or best formed constitution.''' Party spirit may sometimes blacken, and its erroneous opinions may sometimes injure; but, in general, it will prove the best guardian of a pure and wise administration; it will detect and expose vice and corruption, check the encroachments of power, and resist oppression; sir, it is an abler protector of the people's rights, than ''arms'' or ''laws''.' <br> 'But is it not shocking that virtuous characters should be defamed?'<br> ''''Let their actions refute such libels. Believe me, virtue is not long darkened by the clouds of calumny. In its course, it will shine forth like the sun at noon-day, and with its brightness disperse the fogs and vapours which obscured its rising light. When a man assumes a public trust, he should consider himself as public property, and justly liable to the inspection and vigilance of public opinion; and the more sensibly he is made to feel his dependence, the less danger will there be of his abuse of power — ''The abuse of power'', that rock on which good governments, and the people's rights, have been so often wrecked.'''' <br> 'Such doctrines would never be recognised in the old world,' I observed. <br> 'Our example,' he replied, 'may enforce these doctrines, which your philosophers have so long preached in vain; '''example, you know, far outweighs precept.''''" ** An unnamed European visitor, in dialogue with Jefferson, as quoted in ''A Winter in Washington : or, Memoirs of the Seymour Family'' (1824) by [[w:Margaret Bayard Smith|Margaret Bayard Smith]], Vol. 2, p. 37; a few years later ''Sketches of the Life, Writings, and Opinions of Thomas Jefferson'' (1832)<!-- p. 474 --> by B. L. Rayner presents a slightly different rendition of this dialogue, and identifies the visitor as Baron [[Alexander von Humboldt]], who visited Washington in June 1804: :: The celebrated traveller, Baron Humboldt, calling on the President one day, was received into his cabinet. On taking up one of the public journals which lay upon the table, he was shocked to find its columns teeming with the most wanton abuse and licentious calumnies of the President. He threw it down with indignation, exclaiming, "Why do you not have the fellow hung who dares to write these abominable lies?" The President smiled at the warmth of the Baron, and replied — "What! hang the guardians of the public morals? No sir, — rather would I protect the spirit of freedom which dictates even that degree of abuse. Put that paper into your pocket, my good friend, carry it with you to Europe, and when you hear any one doubt the reality of American freedom, show them that paper, and tell them where you found it' "But is it not shocking that virtuous characters should be defamed?" replied the Baron. "'''Let their actions refute such libels.''' Believe me," continued the President, "'''virtue is not long darkened by the clouds of calumny; and the temporary pain which it causes is infinitely overweighed by the safety it insures against degeneracy in the principles and conduct of public functionaries. When a man assumes a public trust, he should consider himself as public property.'''" * I have long believed, that it was only by preserving the identity of the Republican party as embodied and characterized by the principles introduced by Mr. Jefferson that the original rights of the states and the people could be maintained as contemplated by the Constitution. ** [[Andrew Jackson]] to Joseph Guild (April 24, 1835), quoted in ''Correspondence of Andrew Jackson: Volume 5'' (1931), p. 339 * Jefferson hosted the United States' first iftar at the White House. It was an unintentional event, one that occurred as a result of Jefferson's scheduled meeting with an invited envoy from the Tunisian government. It was the end of the first Barbary War, and Jefferson was anxious to establish better diplomatic relations with the North African states while ensuring the security of American interests in the Mediterranean. Upon being informed of the envoy's fasting to observe the Islamic month of Ramadan, Jefferson had the mealtime at the White House changed from 3:30 in the afternoon to "precisely at sunset" in an effort to accommodate his guest. This gesture on behalf of the president was not simply a diplomatic one, but one that demonstrated Jefferson's familiarity and comfort with Islam, a faith that interested him since his time as a student at the College of William & Mary. Indeed, Jefferson's interest in the Qur'an and his own study of Arabic led to his active promotion and eventual creation of an Oriental Languages department at his alma mater. As a scholar and a diplomat, Jefferson was keenly aware and interested in the world outside of America and the importance of cultural and intellectual capital to the success of the United States. ** Alexandra Méav Jerome, [http://www.oxfordislamicstudies.com/Public/focus/essay1009_jefferson.html ''The Jefferson Qur'an''] * '''I think this is the most [[extraordinary]] collection of [[talent]], of [[human]] [[knowledge]], that has ever been gathered together at the White House, with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined [[alone]].''' ** [[John F. Kennedy]], in an address at a White House dinner honoring Nobel Prize winners (29 April 1962), quoted in [http://www.jfklibrary.org/white%20house%20diary/1962/April/29 The White House Diary, at the JFK Library] * Directly or indirectly American [[w:Classical architecture|classicism]] traces its ancestry to Jefferson, who may truly be called the father of our national architecture. ** [[w:Fiske Kimball|Fiske Kimball]], ''Thomas Jefferson, Architect, Original Designs in the Collection of Thomas Jefferson Coolidge, Junior'' (1916), p. 89 * If we look at our history with honesty and clarity we will be forced to admit that our Federal form of government has been, from the day of its birth, weakened in its integrity, confused and confounded in its direction, by the unresolved race question. We seldom take note or give adequate significance to the fact that Thomas Jefferson’s text of the Declaration of Independence was revised by the Continental Congress to eliminate a justifiable attack on King George for encouraging slave trade...Jefferson knew that such compromises with principle struck at the heart of the nation’s security and integrity. ** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [http://www.nps.gov/anti/learn/historyculture/mlk-ep.htm New York Civil War Centennial Commission’s Emancipation Proclamation Observance] (12 September 1962) * Among the many legacies left by Thomas Jefferson, democracy may be the most lasting. Author of the Declaration of Independence, champion of the Bill of Rights, and a founder of the Democratic-Republican party, Jefferson has passed on to the American people his abiding faith in the ability of citizens to govern themselves. Of the assumptions that make American politics possible, none is more fundamental. Yet it must be said that the legacy left by this high-minded and idealistic philosopher, who was also a hard-headed and pragmatic politician—this egalitarian owner of slaves—is by no means simple. At the very least, as Charles Wiltse suggested almost half a century ago, Jefferson has left Americans with a divided conception of democracy. On the one hand, in advocating equality and popular sovereignty, he paved the way for a tradition of social democracy that extends from [[w:Albert Gallatin|Albert Gallatin]] to [[Andrew Jackson]] to [[Franklin D. Roosevelt|FDR]] and the progressive reformers of the twentieth century. On the other hand, as a believer in liberty and limited government, he can be seen as the source of a tradition of democratic individualism that runs from [[w:John Taylor of Caroline|John Taylor]] to [[John C. Calhoun]] to contemporary conservatives who champion personal rights and advocate restrictions on the role of the state. "This double emphasis in Jefferson's thought," concludes Wiltse, "has left American democracy a dual tradition." ** Michael Lienesch, 'Thomas Jefferson and the American Democratic Experience: The Origins of the Partisan Press, Popular Political Parties, and Public Opinion', in Peter S. Onuf (ed.), ''Jeffersonian Legacies'' (1993), p. 316 * '''All honor to Jefferson to the man, who''', in the concrete pressure of a struggle for national independence by a single people, '''had the coolness, forecast, and capacity to introduce into a mere revolutionary an abstract truth, applicable to all men and all time, and so to embalm it there to-day and in all coming days it shall be a rebuke and a stumbling block to the very harbingers of reappearing tyranny and oppression.''' ** [[Abraham Lincoln]], ''Letter to H.L. Pierce and others (Springfield, Illinois, April 6, 1859)'', published in ''[http://books.google.de/books?id=wCozjDf2C9QC&pg=PT676&lpg=PT676&dq=The+Democracy+of+to-day+hold+the+liberty+of+one+man+to+be+absolutely+nothing,+when+in+conflict+with+another+man%27s+right+of+property.+Republicans,+on+the+contrary,+are+both+for+the+man+and+the+dollar,+but,+in+case+of+conflict,+the+man+before+the+dollar.&source=bl&ots=IUIDU4YgQu&sig=GtkSSXezzBblIhuCZMG5oveTWN0&hl=de&sa=X&ei=lZkHU6fSG8HUtAaOmYHQDw&ved=0CDcQ6AEwAg#v=onepage&q=The%20Democracy%20of%20to-day%20hold%20the%20liberty%20of%20one%20man%20to%20be%20absolutely%20nothing%2C%20when%20in%20conflict%20with%20another%20man's%20right%20of%20property.%20Republicans%2C%20on%20the%20contrary%2C%20are%20both%20for%20the%20man%20and%20the%20dollar%2C%20but%2C%20in%20case%20of%20conflict%2C%20the%20man%20before%20the%20dollar.&f=false Essential American History: Abraham Lincoln - The Complete Papers and Writings, Biographically Annotated, The Papers and Writings of Abraham Lincoln]'' © 2012, Jazzybee Verlag Jürgen Beck, 86450 Münster, Germany, ISBN: 97838496200103 * '''The principles of [[Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]] are the definitions and axioms of free society. And yet they are denied and evaded, with no small show of success. One dashingly calls them ”glittering generalities.” Another bluntly calls them “self-evident lies.” And others insidiously argue that they apply to “superior races.” '''These expressions, different in form, are identical in object and effect – the supplanting the principles of free government, and restoring those of classification, caste and legitimacy. They would delight a convocation of crowned heads plotting against the people. They are the vanguard, the miner and sappers, of returning despotism. We must repulse them, or they will subjugate us.''' ** [[Abraham Lincoln]], ''Letter to H.L. Pierce and others (Springfield, Illinois, April 6, 1859)'', published in ''[http://books.google.de/books?id=wCozjDf2C9QC&pg=PT676&lpg=PT676&dq=The+Democracy+of+to-day+hold+the+liberty+of+one+man+to+be+absolutely+nothing,+when+in+conflict+with+another+man%27s+right+of+property.+Republicans,+on+the+contrary,+are+both+for+the+man+and+the+dollar,+but,+in+case+of+conflict,+the+man+before+the+dollar.&source=bl&ots=IUIDU4YgQu&sig=GtkSSXezzBblIhuCZMG5oveTWN0&hl=de&sa=X&ei=lZkHU6fSG8HUtAaOmYHQDw&ved=0CDcQ6AEwAg#v=onepage&q=The%20Democracy%20of%20to-day%20hold%20the%20liberty%20of%20one%20man%20to%20be%20absolutely%20nothing%2C%20when%20in%20conflict%20with%20another%20man's%20right%20of%20property.%20Republicans%2C%20on%20the%20contrary%2C%20are%20both%20for%20the%20man%20and%20the%20dollar%2C%20but%2C%20in%20case%20of%20conflict%2C%20the%20man%20before%20the%20dollar.&f=false Essential American History: Abraham Lincoln - The Complete Papers and Writings, Biographically Annotated, The Papers and Writings of Abraham Lincoln]'', 2012, Jazzybee Verlag Jürgen Beck, 86450 Münster, Germany, ISBN: 97838496200103 * Jefferson was exalted as the patron saint of all good things. The range of causes for which his name was invoked is staggering: democracy and partisanship, states' rights and nationalism, slavery and abolitionism, egalitarianism and racism, imperialism and isolationism, populism and laissez-faire capitalism, the planned and the decentralized society. In the nineteenth century, so long as rural values continued to prevail in America despite the relentless march of industrialization, Jefferson continued to be identified with the agrarian tradition; in the twentieth, when the center of American life and values became the city, his connection with that ideal was all but forgotten, and instead he came to be regarded as the champion of the "have-nots" against the "haves," of the "common man" (or the "forgotten man" or the "little fellow") against aristocrats and plutocrats... The real Jefferson...was lost in the shuffle. So, too, was the America he wanted his country to become; and in a nation of crime-ridden cities and poisoned air, of credit cards and gigantic corporations, of welfare rolls and massive bureaucracies, corruption and alienation, that loss is the more poignant. He and his followers set out to deflect the course of History, and History ended up devouring them and turning even their memory to its own purposes. History has a way of doing that. ** [[w:Forrest McDonald|Forrest McDonald]], ''The Presidency of Thomas Jefferson'' (1976), pp. 168-169 * It may, on the whole, be truly said of him, that he was greatly eminent for the comprehensiveness and fertility of his genius, for the vast extent and rich variety of his acquirements, and particularly distinguished by the philosophic impress left on every subject which he touched. Nor was he less distinguished for an early and uniform devotion to the cause of liberty, and systematic preference of a form of Government squared in the strictest degree to the rights of man. In the social and domestic spheres, he was a model of the virtues and manners which most adorn them. ** [[James Madison]] to J. K. Paulding (April 1, 1831), quoted in ''Letters and Other Writings of James Madison, Fourth President of the United States: Vol. IV, 1829–1836'' (1865), p. 175 * Who was it wrote that – “all men created equal”? It was Jefferson. Jefferson had more slaves than anybody else. ** [[Malcolm X]], '[https://www.marxists.org/reference/archive/malcolm-x/1965/01/afro-amer.html Afro-American History]' (January 24, 1964), ''International Socialist Review'', Vol. 28 No. 2, (March-April 1967), pp. 3-48 * Jefferson was kind to his servants to the point of indulgence, and within the framework of an institution he disliked he saw that they were well provided for. His ‘people’ were devoted to him. ** [[w:Dumas Malone|Dumas Malone]] as quoted in ''[http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-dark-side-of-thomas-jefferson-35976004/ The Dark Side of Thomas Jefferson]'', by Henry Wiencek, ''Smithsonian Magazine'', (October 2012) * The two major achievements of Jefferson's presidency were the [[w:Louisiana Purchase|Louisiana Purchase]] and the [[w:Act Prohibiting Importation of Slaves|abolition of the slave trade]]. ** [[w:John Chester Miller|John Chester Miller]], ''The Wolf by the Ears: Thomas Jefferson and Slavery'' (1977; 1994), p. 142 * When Mr. Jefferson wrote that one of his associates in [[George Washington|Washington]]'s cabinet was "a fool and a blabber," his words, taken in their context, make exactly the same impression of calm, disinterested and objective appraisal as if he had remarked that the man had black hair and brown eyes. ** [[Albert Jay Nock]], in [http://alumnus.caltech.edu/~ckank/FultonsLair/013/nock/free_speech.html "Free Speech and Plain Language" in ''The Atlantic Monthly'' (January 1936)] * I believe that in the next century, as blacks and Hispanics and Asians acquire increasing influence in American society, the Jeffersonian liberal tradition, which is already intellectually untenable, will become socially and politically untenable as well. I also believe that the [[w:American civil religion|American civil religion]], official version...will have to be reformed in a manner that will downgrade and eventually exclude Thomas Jefferson. Finally, I believe that Jefferson will, nonetheless, continue to be a power in America in the area where the mystical side of Jefferson really belongs: among the radical, violent anti-Federal libertarian fanatics: the very same paranoid conspirators against whose grasp [[Bill Clinton|President Clinton]] is rightly resolved to defend “our sacred symbols.” ** [[Conor Cruise O'Brien]], ''The Long Affair: Thomas Jefferson and the French Revolution, 1785–1800'' (1996; 1998), p. 318 * If Jefferson was wrong, America is wrong. If America is right, Jefferson was right. ** [[w:James Parton|James Parton]], ''Life of Thomas Jefferson: Third President of the United States'' (1874), p. iii * More than 20 years after [[w:CBS|CBS]] executives were pressured by Jefferson [[historians]] to drop plans for a mini-series on Jefferson and Hemings, the network airs ''Sally Hemings: An American Scandal''. Though many quarreled with the portrayal of Hemings as unrealistically [[modern]] and [[heroic]], no major historian [[challenged]] the series' premise that Hemings and Jefferson had a 38-year relationship that produced [[children]]. ** "The History of a Secret". ''Jefferson's Blood''. PBS Frontline. May 2000. * Mr. Js Mechanics and his entire household of servants...consisted of one family connection and their wives. ** Jeff Randolph (his grandson) as quoted in ''[http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-dark-side-of-thomas-jefferson-35976004/ The Dark Side of Thomas Jefferson]'', by Henry Wiencek, ''Smithsonian Magazine'', (October 2012) * [S]he [[w:Sally Hemings|Hemings]] had [[children]] which resembled Mr. Jefferson so closely that it was plain that they had his blood in their veins ... He [Randolph] said in one instance, a gentleman dining with Mr. Jefferson, looked so startled as he raised his eyes from the latter to the servant behind him, that his discovery of the resemblance was perfectly obvious to all. ** "Letter from Henry Randall to James Parton, June 1, 1868". Jefferson's Blood. PBS Frontline. 2000. Retrieved September 18, 2011 * If these people who call themselves liberals, thereby degrading a noble word, aren't really liberals, then what are they? ... They are glib—gliberals. ... The Stevensons, Kennedys and Humphreys are able to flit from one position to another without the modifying transitions, because they say it so pretty. Honeyed words, swiftly delivered like cats scurrying up a wet fence; liberally seasoned with anecdotes, catchy syntax, Biblical quotations, Shakespeare; writing techniques introduced by early political writers like Thomas Jefferson, the founding Gliberal, a slaveowner who insisted that the Bill of Rights be added to the Constitution. ** [[w:Ishmael Reed|Ishamel Reed]], '[https://www.nytimes.com/1973/03/31/archives/gliberals.html Gliberals]', ''The New York Times'' (March 31, 1973), p. 35 * If Jefferson could return to our councils he would find that while economic changes of a century have changed the necessary methods of government action, the principles of that action are still wholly his own. ... Government with him was a means to an end, not an end in itself; it might be either a refuge and a help or a threat and a danger, depending on circumstances. ** [[Franklin Delano Roosevelt]], ''Looking Forward'' [1933] (2009), pp. xii, 5 * Thank Heaven, I have never hesitated to criticize Jefferson; he was infinitely below Hamilton. I think the worship of Jefferson a discredit to my country. ** [[Theodore Roosevelt]] to F. S. Oliver (August 8, 1906), quoted in Joseph Bucklin Bishop, ''Theodore Roosevelt and His Time Shown in His Own Letters: Volume II'' (1920), p. 23 * Born in 1743, Thomas Jefferson- third President of the United States, author of the Declaration of Independence, governor of Virginia, and founder of the University of Virginia- voiced the aspirations of a new America as no other individual of his era. As public official, historian, philosopher, and plantation owner, he served his country for more than five decades. Jefferson designed and built his mountaintop home, Monticello (Italian for "little mountain") between 1768 and 1809. He saw to it that Monticello was unlike any other American house of his day. It is truly one of the nation's architectural masterpieces and is the only American home ever named to UNESCO's World Heritage List (along with such international treasures as the Taj Mahal, the pyramids of Egypt, Versailles, and the Great Wall of China). Monticello draws visitors from around the world. The neoclassical style is highlighted by the dramatic dome, which appears on the back of the U.S. nickel. A tour of the house and grounds reveals many unique facts about Jefferson and his house, and much state and American history. ** Lynn Seldon, ''52 Virginia Weekends: Great Getaways and Adventures for Every Season'', (2000), 2nd edition, p. 33 * Jefferson died on the fiftieth anniversary of the adoption of the Declaration of Independence. This was on July 4, 1826. He had lived a full life of eighty-three years. He appealed to and expressed America's better self, and as a statesman believed in America and the people of America. He kept his fine ideals, his simplicity, his youthful mind, and his hopeful outlook to the very last. ** Francis Butler Simkins, Spotswood Hunnicutt, Sidman P. Poole, ''Virginia: History, Government, Geography'' (1957), p. 314 * Jefferson in his forecast, had anticipated this, as the 'rock upon which the old Union would split'. '''He was right. What was conjecture with him, is now a realized fact. But whether he fully comprehended the great truth upon which that rock stood and stands, may be doubted. The prevailing ideas entertained by him and most of the leading statesmen at the time of the formation of the old constitution, were that the enslavement of the African was in violation of the laws of nature; that it was wrong in principle, socially, morally, and politically'''. It was an evil they knew not well how to deal with, but the general opinion of the men of that day was that, somehow or other in the order of Providence, the institution would be evanescent and pass away. '''[[w:All men are created equal|This idea]], though not incorporated in the constitution, was the prevailing idea at that time. The constitution, it is true, secured every essential guarantee to the institution while it should last, and hence no argument can be justly urged against the constitutional guarantees thus secured, because of the common sentiment of the day. Those ideas, however, were fundamentally wrong. They rested upon the assumption of the equality of races. This was an error.''' ** [[Alexander H. Stephens]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20130822142313/http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/cornerstone-speech/ ''The Cornerstone Speech''] (1861), Savannah, Georgia * '''We deny''', without regard to color, '''that 'all men are created equal'; it is not true''' now, and was not true when [[w:Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]] wrote it. ** [[Benjamin Tillman]], as quoted in ''Pitchfork Ben Tillman, South Carolinian'' (1967), by Francis Butler Simkins. Louisiana State University Press. OCLC 1877696, p. 144 * This very verse, brethren, having emanated from Mr. Jefferson, a much greater philosopher the world never afforded, has in truth injured us more, and has been as great a barrier to our emancipation as any thing that has ever been advanced against us. ... I pledge you my sacred word of honour, that Mr. Jefferson's remarks respecting us, have sunk deep into the hearts of millions of the whites, and never will be removed this side of eternity. ** [[w:David Walker (abolitionist)|David Walker]] on Jefferson's Query XIV in ''Notes on the State of Virginia'' (September 28, 1829), quoted in Peter P. Hinks, ''David Walker's Appeal to the Coloured Citizens of the World'' (2010), pp. 29–30 * Jefferson expressed the American idea: political and social pluralism; government of limited, delegated and enumerated powers; the fecundity of freedom. He expressed it not only in stirring cadences, but also in the way he lived, as statesman, scientist, architect, educator. Jeffersonianism is what free men believe. Jefferson is what a free person looks like—confident, serene, rational, disciplined, temperate, tolerant, curious. In fine, Jefferson is the Person of the Millennium. ** [[George Will]], '[https://www.washingtonpost.com/archive/opinions/1990/12/16/person-of-the-millennium/bb1a4c35-e7aa-41dc-8976-3258850be634/ Person of the Millennium]', ''The Washington Post'' (December 16, 1990) * They talk about Thomas Jefferson. ... A coward! A man who dared confess a disbelief in the divinity of Christ and be a candidate for the Presidency in the eighteenth century? A coward! The man who dared drag up by the roots primogeniture and entail against the opposition of all the old Virginia aristocracy in the Virginia House of Burgesses, against the protests of the Pendletons and the Randolphs and the Lees and the Washingtons and the Harrisons and I believe the Careys and nearly all the balance of them. A coward! The American President who threw down the gauntlet to Napoleon the Great and informed him of the fact that if the Mississippi River fell into the hands of France it would be a cause of unending conflict between the two nations. ... Oh, this hatred, this old federalistic relic of hatred of Thomas Jefferson would be pathetic if it was not amusing. ** [[w:John Sharp Williams|John Sharp Williams]], speech in the House of Representatives (January 26, 1904), quoted in ''Congressional Record: The Proceedings and Debates of the Fifty-Eighth Congress, Second Session. Volume XXXVIII, Part II'' (1904), col. 1226 * Jefferson's objects have not fallen out of date. They are our own objects, if we be faithful to any ideals whatever; and the question we ask ourselves is not, How would Jefferson have pursued them in his day? but How shall we pursue them in ours? It is the spirit, not the tenets of the man by which he rules us from his urn. ** [[Woodrow Wilson]], speech in New York (April 16, 1906), quoted in Jeffrey Legh Sedgwick, ‘Jeffersonianism in the Progressive Era’, in Gary L. McDowell and Sharon L. Noble (eds.), ''Reason and Republicanism: Thomas Jefferson's Legacy of Liberty'' (1997), p. 202 == Primary sources == * ''Thomas Jefferson: Writings: Autobiography / Notes on the State of Virginia / Public and Private Papers / Addresses / Letters'' (1984, {{ISBN|0-940450-16-X}} [[w:Library of America|Library of America]] edition; see discussion of sources at [http://www.loa.org/volume.jsp?RequestID=67&section=notes]. There are numerous one-volume collections; this is perhaps the best place to start. * ''Thomas Jefferson, Political Writings'' ed by Joyce Appleby and Terence Ball. Cambridge University Press. 1999 * [http://www.constitution.org/tj/jeff.htm Lipscomb, Andrew A. and Albert Ellery Bergh, eds. ''The Writings Of Thomas Jefferson'' 19 vol. (1907)] not as complete nor as accurate as Boyd edition, but covers TJ from 1801 to his death. It is out of copyright, and so is online free. * Boyd, Julian P. et al, eds. ''The Papers of Thomas Jefferson.'' The definitive multivolume edition; available at major academic libraries. 31 volumes covers TJ to 1800, with 1801 due out in 2006. See description at [http://www.princeton.edu/~tjpapers/index.html] * [http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/jefferson/quotations/foley/ ''The Jefferson Cyclopedia'' (1900)] large collection of TJ quotations arranged by 9000 topics; searchable; copyright has expired and it is online free. * The Thomas Jefferson Papers, 1606-1827, 27,000 original manuscript documents at the Library of Congress. [http://memory.loc.gov/ammem/collections/jefferson_papers/ online collection] * Jefferson, Thomas. ''Notes on the State of Virginia'' (1787), London: Stockdale. This was Jefferson's only book. ** [http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/toc/modeng/public/JefVirg.html online edition] * Adams, Dickinson W., ed. ''Jefferson's Extracts from the Gospels'' (1983). All three of Jefferson's versions of the Gospels, with [[relevant]] correspondence about his religious opinions. Valuable introduction by Eugene Sheridan. * Bear, Jr., James A., ed. ''Jefferson's Memorandum Books'', 2 vols. (1997). Jefferson's account books with records of daily expenses. * Cappon, Lester J., ed. ''The Adams-Jefferson Letters'' (1959) * Smith, James Morton, ed. ''The Republic of Letters: The Correspondence between Thomas Jefferson and James Madison, 1776-1826'', 3 vols. (1995) == See also == * [[Founding Fathers of the United States]] * [[List of presidents of the United States]] {{Social and political philosophers}} == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{wikisource author}} {{commons|Thomas Jefferson}} * [http://www.whitehouse.gov/history/presidents/tj3.html Brief biography at The White House] * [http://memory.loc.gov/ammem/mtjhtml/mtjhome.html "The Thomas Jefferson Papers" at the Library of Congress] * [http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/jefferson/ Jefferson Digital Archive at The University of Virginia] * [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson'' (12 Vols. 1905), Edited by Paul Leicester Ford] * [http://www.monticello.org/ Monticello - Jefferson's Home (with extensive Quicktime panoramic images)] * [http://www.pbs.org/jefferson/ Thomas Jefferson] A film by [[w:Ken Burns|Ken Burns]] at PBS * [http://www.nps.gov/thje/ The Thomas Jefferson Memorial in Washington D.C.] * [http://sc94.ameslab.gov/TOUR/tjefferson.html Jefferson biography] * [http://sources.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Declaration_of_Independence "The Declaration of Independence" at Wikisource] * [http://www.loc.gov/exhibits/declara/declara3.html Drafting the "Declaration of Independence" at the Library of Congress] * [http://www.constitution.org/tj/tj-orddoi.htm Initial drafts of ''The Declaration of Independence (with photographs)] * [http://www.rjgeib.com/thoughts/jefferson/jefferson.html Jefferson's last letter] * [http://www.writespirit.net/authors/thomas_jefferson/quotes_war_jefferson Quotes on War and Peace by T.Jefferson] * [http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/quotes/jefferson.htm Quotes of Jefferson at Positive Atheism] * [http://etext.virginia.edu/jefferson/quotations/jeff1325.htm University of Virginia - Thomas Jefferson on Politics & Government] * [http://www.let.rug.nl/usa/presidents/thomas-jefferson/letters-of-thomas-jefferson/ The Letters of Thomas Jefferson] {{DEFAULTSORT:Jefferson, Thomas}} [[Category:Founding Fathers of the United States of America]] [[Category:Unitarians from the United States]] [[Category:Presidents of the United States]] [[Category:United States Secretaries of State]] [[Category:People from Virginia]] [[Category:1743 births]] [[Category:1826 deaths]] [[Category:Philosophers from the United States]] [[Category:Ambassadors of the United States]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:American architects]] [[Category:Inventors]] [[Category:Deists]] [[Category:Skeptics]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 1804]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 1800]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 1796]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 1792]] [[Category:Vice Presidents of the United States]] [[Category:Enlightenment]] [[Category:Secularists]] [[Category:People of the American Revolution]] n3vjw00luzih2qth2cb4pedbkzrsckw 4 65145 3157852 3157738 2022-08-25T15:21:42Z 79.23.0.219 levate i filtri stupidi admins wikitext text/x-wiki {{Sandbox notice}} <!-- Hey, you look like you're editing the Wikiquote sandbox! 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When you're done making changes, just click "Publish changes" - yes, it's really that simple. --> <!-- Please only edit BELOW this line. --> qj5rfx2uw11yc3jj2c47m3pilifdv3d 0 69862 3158106 3157672 2022-08-26T10:09:43Z 2600:387:3:803:0:0:0:54 /* P */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Eagle nebula pillars complete.jpg|thumb|We are [[God]]'s debris. ~ [[Scott Adams]] ]] [[File:Planetary nebula & white dwarf formation.gif|thumb|Sometimes [[pantheists]] will use the term "pandeism" to underscore that they share with the deists the idea that [[God]] is not a personal God who desires to be worshipped. ~ John Armstrong ]] '''[[w:Pandeism|Pandeism]]''' (or '''Pan-Deism''') is a theological doctrine which combines aspects of [[pantheism]] and [[deism]]. It holds that the creator of the universe actually became the universe, and so ceased to exist as a separate and conscious entity. Pandeism is proposed to explain, as it relates to deism, why God would create a universe and then abandon it, and as to pantheism, the origin and purpose of the universe. The word pandeism is a hybrid blend of the root words pantheism and deism, combining Ancient Greek: πᾶν pan “all” with Latin: deus which means "god". __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha}} == A == [[File:Hs-2001-16-p-full jpg.jpg|thumb|Pandeism is the [[belief]] that a [[god]] gave up their status as a god to become the [[universe]], and is thus based on the [[ideals]] of [[deism]]. ~ Alex Ashman ]] [[File:Bbrot225x225x24.PNG|thumb|[[God]] split himself into a myriad parts that he might have [[friends]]. This may not be true, but it sounds good — and is no sillier than any other [[theology]]. ~ [[Robert A. Heinlein]] ]] [[File:Uvsun trace big.jpg|thumb|[[God]] transformed into the whole [[universe]]. ''God is the Universe'', and everything in it. But the universe doesn't [[know]] that because that would ruin the suspense. The universe is God's great drama, and God is the stage, the actors, and the audience all at once. ~ Warren B. Sharpe]] [[File:Exploding planet.jpg|thumb|[[God]] became the [[world]] to realize himself, in material form, to realize an [[eternal]] and [[infinite]] aim. It is for the purpose of realizing His eternal and infinite aim that He became the world. ~ [[w:Harry Waton|Harry Waton]] ]] [[File:Hong Kong Budha.jpg|thumb|Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting… ~ [[William Wordsworth]] ]] *"So what motivates [[God]]?" I asked. "Do you have the answer to that question, or are you just yanking my chain?"<br>"I can conceive of only one challenge for an omnipotent being—the challenge of destroying himself."<br>"You think God would want to commit suicide?" I asked.<br>"I'm not saying he wants anything. I'm saying it's the only challenge."<br>"I think God would prefer to exist than to not exist."<br>"That's thinking like a human, not like a God. You have a fear of death so you assume God would share your preference. But God would have no fears. Existing would be a choice. And there would be no pain of death, nor feelings of guilt or remorse or loss. Those are human feelings, not God feelings. God could simply choose to discontinue existence."<br>"There's a logical problem here, according to your way of thinking," I said. "If God knows the future, he already knows if he will choose to end his existence, and he knows if he will succeed at it, so there's no challenge there, either."<br>"Your thinking is getting clearer," he said. "Yes, he will know the future of his own existence under normal conditions. But would his omnipotence include knowing what happens after he loses his omnipotence, or would his knowledge of the future end at that point?"<br>"That sounds like a thoroughly unanswerable question. I think you've hit a dead end," I said.<br>"Maybe. But consider this. A God who knew the answer to that question would indeed know everything and have everything. For that reason he would be unmotivated to do anything or create anything. There would be no purpose to act in any way whatsoever. But a God who had one nagging question—what happens if I cease to exist?—might be motivated to find the answer in order to complete his knowledge. And having no fear and no reason to continue existing, he might try it." <br>"How would we know either way?"<br>"We have the answer. It is our existence. The fact that we exist is proof that God is motivated to act in some way. And since only the challenge of self-destruction could interest an omnipotent God, it stands to reason that we . . ."<br>I interrupted the old man in midsentence and stood straight up from the rocker. It felt as if a pulse of energy ran up my spine, compressing my lungs, electrifying my skin, bringing the hairs on the back of my neck to full alert. I moved closer to the fireplace, unable to absorb its heat.<br>"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" My brain was taking on too much knowledge. There was overflow and I needed to shake off the excess.<br>The old man looked at nothing and said, "We are God's debris." **[[Scott Adams]], ''God's Debris'' (2001) p. 42-44. {{ISBN|0740721909}}. * Hinduism is a diverse system of thought with beliefs spanning monotheism, polytheism, panentheism, pantheism, pandeism, monism, and atheism among others; and its concept of God is complex and depends upon each individual and the tradition and philosophy followed. ** Edward D. Andrews, ''REASONING WITH THE WORLD'S VARIOUS RELIGIONS: Examining and Evangelizing Other Faiths'' (2018), p. 71. * ''Abschnitt vorbereitender Natur in einem ersten Hauptteil von den psychisch-religiösen Welt-und Lebensanschauungen in ihrer historischen Entwickelung; der zweite Hauptteil bespricht die philosophisch-deistischen und theosophischen Anschauungen vom Pandeismus der alten Ägypter und Inder bis zu [[Gottfried Leibniz|Leibnizens]] [[w:Pre-established harmony|prästabilierter Harmonie]] und Herbarts Realen; der dritte und letzte endlich bringt die metaphysischen und physischen Welt- und Lebensanschauungen, sucht die Anfänge des Idealismus bei den Indern auf und verfolgt ihn bis [[Arthur Schopenhauer|Schopenhauer]], [[Friedrich Nietzsche|Nietzsche]], [[w:Karl Robert Eduard von Hartmann|Ev Hartmann]] und [[w:Rudolf Christoph Eucken|Eucken]], reiht an den Spinozismus den jüngsten Neuspinozismus und Neuidealismus an und gelangt schließlich über den Empirismus usw. und den Positivismus zur Aufzählung und Besprechung der eigentlich physischen An-schauungen im engeren Sinne (Materialismus, Atomistik, Energetische Anschauungen usw).'' ** The first section is a precursory discussion of the nature of the historical development of psychological-religious worldviews of life; the second section discusses the philosophical deistic and theosophist opinions of the pandeism of the ancient Egyptians and Indians up to Leibniz's [[w:Pre-established harmony|Pre-established Harmony]], and a harsh kind of material reality; the third and final section brings those metaphysical and physical worldviews together, pursuing them from the beginnings of [[idealism]] with the Indians up to [[w:Arthur Schopenhauer|Schopenhauer]], [[w:Friedrich Nietzsche|Nietzsche]], [[w:Karl Robert Eduard von Hartmann|Ev Hartmann]] and [[w:Rudolf Christoph Eucken|Eucken]], to Spinozism the youngest Neo-Spinozism and neo-idealism, and finally arrives at empirism etc. and positivism in enumerating and discussing the actually strictly physical opinions (materialism, atomistic, energetic opinions and so forth). **''[[w:Annalen der Physik|Annalen der Physik]]'' ("''Annals of Physics''") (1911) p. 58. *Sometimes pantheists will use the term "pandeism" to underscore that they share with the deists the idea that God is not a personal God who desires to be worshipped. **John Armstrong, ''[http://www.godvsthebible.com/chapter14.htm God vs. the Bible: How God's Creation Discredits Christian Scripture]'' (2007). Quoted by Alex Ciurana, M.T.S., in "The Superiority of a Christian Worldview," ACTS Magazine, Churches of God Seventh Day, December 2007, Volume 57, Number 10, page 11. * Straddling as he does deism and pantheism, Einstein could possibly be classified as a believer in pandeism, a label indicating a hybrid blend of pantheism with deism, which was well described by Raphael Lataster in 2013. ** Dr Michael Arnheim, ''The God Book'', 2015, page 72. * Where did these “designed laws” or “fixed laws”, as he calls them elsewhere, come from? Darwin made no secret of his belief that they were designed by “an omniscient Creator”. The phrase “whether good or bad” is significant and places Darwin in a position not very different from a believer in an impersonal God, who is amoral and uninvolved in the world. So, although Darwin may not have been conscious of deism as such, his own religious beliefs are a good match for deism, or possibly for pandeism (as discussed earlier in this chapter). ** Dr Michael Arnheim, ''The God Book'', 2015, page 103-104. * Darwin sometimes described himself as an agnostic, but his expressed religious beliefs are in general more in keeping with deism, or possibly with pandeism . ** Dr Michael Arnheim, ''The God Book'', 2015, page 105. *Pandeism is the belief that a god gave up their status as a god to become the universe, and is thus based on the ideals of deism. **Alex Ashman, BBC News, ''Metaphysical Isms'' (5th September 2007), [http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A25172309]. * It will be seen that this fact of the Immutability of REALITY, when clearly conceived, must serve to confute and refute the erroneous theories of certain schools of Pantheism which hold that "God becomes the Universe by changing into the Universe." Thus it is sought to identify Nature with God, whereby, as Schopenhauer said, "you show God to the door." If God changes Himself into The Phenomenal Universe, then God is non-existent and we need not concern ourselves any more about Him, for he has committed suicide by Change. ** [[w:William Walker Atkinson|William Walker Atkinson]], ''Mastery of Being'' (1911), page 56. * Higgins claimed to reveal the existence of an ancient universal religion (he called it Pandeism), out of which all religious doctrines originated—a religion that yet survives as a secret, fragmented sect that carries its ancient messages in parts of Greece, the Middle East, and India, with its origins in the last. ** [[w:Anthony Aveni|Anthony Aveni]], ''Apocalyptic Anxiety: Religion, Science, and America's Obsession with the End of the World'' (University of Colorado Press, 2016), page 98, ISBN 1607324717. == B == *Today we are witnessing movements of all kinds toward union. In the commercial world we are seeing great mergers. In the economic world we are seeing whole nations uniting. In the labor world, the [[w:Trade union|unions]] are waxing bigger and becoming more powerful. In the financial world there is evident an increasing [[w:Monopoly|monopoly]]. In the religious world there are great movements toward union and not only in the professedly Christian world. The [[w:Holy See|church of Rome]] uses the term "pandeism", to describe her current program of bringing under her wing the non-Christian religions of the world. In this, Rome will finally succeed, because the prediction says, "all the world wondered after the beast". (Revelation 13:3) **Conrad Baker, ''[https://web.archive.org/web/20060909220410/http://maranathamedia.com.au/start/index.php?option=com_docman&task=doc_view&gid=997 The Three Powers Of Armageddon: An Exposition of Revelation 16:13-16]'', page 7, August 12, 2005 (PDF). * ''Sin embargo, resulta sospechoso el modo que tiene el autor de unir la mitología griega con la cristiana, llegando a una especie de pandeísmo, que, por lo demás, siempre queda limitado por la presencia de esa divina Providencia.'' ** It is suspicious how the author has to unite the Greek and Christian mythology, leading to a kind of pandeism, which, moreover, is always limited by the presence of that divine Providence. ** Joaquín Alvárez Barrientos, ''La novela del siglo XVIII‎'', Page 257, 1991. * Regarding Western Pantheism, some people feel that the word "pantheism" is misused. Since theology is the study of religion and and means "all," pantheism implies following all religions. The principal of following all named deities, then, would be called Pan-De-ism. So, pantheist or pandeist? You decide. ** Miles Batty, ''Teaching Witchcraft: A Guide for Teachers and Students of the Old Religion'' (Paperback - Mar 27, 2009) p. 38. * If the [[Bible]] is only human lore, and not divine truth, then we have no real answer to those who say, "Let's pick the best out of all religions and blend it all into Pan-Deism - one world religion with one god made out of many". ** [[w:J. Sidlow Baxter|J. Sidlow Baxter]], ''[https://web.archive.org/web/20110727191802/http://www.pwmi.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=137:our-bible-the-most-critical-issue&catid=23:general-articles&Itemid=252 Our Bible: The Most Critical Issue]'' (1991). * Interestingly enough, during the Vatican Council there was criticism from WCC Circles of this Catholic willingness to extend the word and even the concept ecumenical to relations with non-Christian religions. It was felt that ecumenism was being contaminated by “pan-Deist” and syncretistic tendencies. ** Bert Beverly Beach, ''Ecumenism: Boon Or Bane?'' (1974), p. 259 (quoting George H. Williams, ''Dimensions of Roman Catholic Ecumenism'' (1965), p. 31-32). *One high school teacher once told me that [[w:Adi Shankara|Śankara]] said that God became the world. In the beginning there was God and then he created the world out of himself. So God became the world. And now there is no God. It is exactly like making idli out of rice. The rice is gone; only idli is there. Later, I repeated this as Śankara's philosophy to someone and he laughed so hard that I knew that there was some mistake in what I had said. But I didn't know what the mistake was and he didn't correct me either. **''[[Bhagavad Gita|Bhagavadgita]] Home Study'', 2000. * I first came upon this extension of ecumenism into pan-deism among some Roman Catholic scholars interested primarily in the "reunion of the churches," Roman, Orthodox, Anglican]]. [...] We may perhaps ask what is the ultimate aim of the Curia in promoting the pan-deist movement. [...] They do not necessarily discern in Rome's ecumenism and pan-deism a project for world dominion. ** Father [[w:Charles A. Bolton|Charles A. Bolton]] in "Beyond the Ecumenical: Pan-deism?" in ''Christianity Today'', 1963, page 21. *In the greatest poet of the older generation in France, [[Victor Hugo]], a weak species of pantheistic deism asserts itself, in spite of his enthusiastic rationalism; we still trace in him the influence of the preceding century; religion is glorified at the expense of religions; love, which unites, at the expense of dogma, which separates and scatters. **[[w:Georg Brandes|Georg M. Brandes]], ''[[Henrik Ibsen]]'' (1999) p. 68 {{ISBN|0405083025}}. *Belief in a single deity, however, is consistent with science and natural cause as long as that belief is in a First Cause that has not and does not, subsequently, alter or change natural order. Reader and Author alike have their own personal preferences, but what is important to the next [[world-view]] and way of thinking is accommodating to the still-widespread longing to believe in a "supreme being" while at the same time, not adopting anything which can disturb natural order and natural cause. The next belief system would need to be like an umbrella that reached out to cover [[atheism]], [[deism]], [[agnosticism]], and [[pantheism]] (that is, pan-deism). Only in this way, now, can we bring humanity into the real age of scientific discovery, build a new civilization, and ultimately expand the human race far out into the universe beyond this cramped small planet in which we are now so confined. **Charles Brough, ''Untwisting the Social Sciences'' (2006), p. 142. * The next [world-view] belief system might be like an umbrella that reaches out to cover atheism, deism, agnosticism, and pan-deism because the difference between those assorted beliefs pale in comparison to the importance of not tolerating the belief that some "mystical being" can alter cause and effect, thus interfering with the science and technology we need to replace this old civilization before it is too late. **Charles Brough ''Destiny and Civilization: The Evolutionary Explanation of Religion and History'' (2008), p. 210. *:FREE THINKERS: all people whose beliefs regarding "spirits" are compatible with modern science. [[Deism]], pan-deism, [[agnosticism]] and [[atheism]] are compatible; [[theism]] is not. **Charles Brough ''Destiny and Civilization: The Evolutionary Explanation of Religion and History'' (2008), p. 295. * Deism and pan-deism, as well as agnosticism and atheism, are all Non-Theisms. ** Charles Brough, ''The Last Civilization'' (2010), p. 246: * Pandeism, like deism, has no specific theistic creed or scripture that defines the belief as a ''system'', so there is freedom so far to consider a God that is the ''sentient'' Universe, or a God that is the ''non-sentient'' Universe, or to further attempt to specify God by ascribing attributes that do not appear, at least, to contradict the necessary minimal set. ** Robert G. Brown, Ph.D., "[http://www.phy.duke.edu/~rgb/Philosophy/god_theorem/god_theorem/node27.html Pandeism]," ''A Theorem Concerning God'', 2009. *Vedantic Hinduism is organized monistic pandeism and acknowledges up front that its scriptures are myths and legends to be mined for parabolic insight, not "divinely inspired truth", and Buddhism isn't a religion, it is an essentially atheistic psychosocial philosophy that unfortunately incorporates some of the religious cosmology of Vedic Hinduism, in particular the notion of serial reincarnation, that is probably false. ** Robert G. Brown, Ph.D., "[http://www.phy.duke.edu/~rgb/Philosophy/god_theorem/god_theorem/node4.html A Purely Gratuitous Polemic Against Theism]," ''A Theorem Concerning God'', 2009. *Let us now (at last) state the basic theorem:<br><br>''If God exists, then God is identical to the Universe.''<br><br>That is, the theorem is a statement of conditional pandeism. If God exists at all, God must be absolutely everything that exists. **Robert G. Brown, Ph.D., "[http://www.phy.duke.edu/~rgb/Philosophy/god_theorem/god_theorem/node6.html The Pandeist Theorem]," ''A Theorem Concerning God'', 2009. * Pure Vedantic Hinduism as described in particular in the Upanishads is monist and either pandeist or panendeist - Brahman is the Universe, we (as Atman or "God-souls") are a part of Brahman and Brahman itself, parts separated from the whole to be able to appreciate the whole and ever seeking to rejoin the whole and its perfect state of being as all things. Brahman in the Upanishads is not a being that is worshipped - they make it absolutely clear that Brahman is indifferent to worship and is not the object of worship. ** Robert G. Brown, Ph.D., "[http://www.phy.duke.edu/~rgb/Philosophy/god_theorem/god_theorem/node14.html Hinduism]," ''A Theorem Concerning God'', 2009. * A deist who believes in God that is the Universe is a pandeist, and is not only compatible with the theorem, but is now affirmed in their conditional belief as being demonstrably proven as a theorem of information theory. ** Robert G. Brown, Ph.D., "[http://www.phy.duke.edu/~rgb/Philosophy/god_theorem/god_theorem/node26.html Deism]," ''A Theorem Concerning God'', 2009. * A pandeist scientist or philosopher studying the Universe is not necessarily irrational, nor is he or she particularly distinguishable, from an atheist scientist or philosopher who loves the subject of his or her work. ** Robert G. Brown, Ph.D., "[http://www.phy.duke.edu/~rgb/Philosophy/god_theorem/god_theorem/node29.html Consistency with Physics and Natural Science]," ''A Theorem Concerning God'', 2009. * Some of us think that postmodernity represents a similar change of dominant worldviews, one which could turn out to be just as singular as modernity by being a stunning amalgam of James and Weber. If we are correct, then the changed attitudes, assumptions, and values might work together to change ways of life which in turn transform our geographies of mind and being, that is, both the actual physical landscapes and the mental valuescapes we inhabit. One increasingly common outcome of this ongoing transformation, itself a symptom perhaps of post-industrial secular societies, is the movement away from self-denial toward a denial of the supernatural. This development promises to fundamentally alter future geographies of mind and being by shifting the locus of causality from an exalted Godhead to the domain of Nature. How this Nature is ultimately defined has broad repercussions for the, at times, artificial distinction between religious and secular worldviews. For Levine, “secularism is a positive, not a negative, condition, not a denial of the world of spirit and of religion, but an affirmation of the world we're living in now ... such a world is capable of bringing us to the condition of 'fullness' that religion has always promised.” For others, this “fullness” is present in more religious-oriented pantheistic or pandeistic belief systems with, in the latter case, the inclusion of God as the ever unfolding expression of a complex universe with an identifiable beginning but no teleological direction necessarily present. ** Michael S. Bruner, John Davenport, Jim Norwine, "An Evolving Worldview: Culture-Shift in University Students", in Jim Norwine, editor, ''A World After Climate Change and Culture-Shift'' (Springer, 2013), p. 46. * All the actions of created intelligences are not merely the actions of God. He has created a universe of beings which are said to act freely and responsibly as the proximate causes of their own moral actions. When individuals do evil things it is not God the Creator and Preserver acting. If God was the proximate cause of every act it would make all events to be "God in motion". That is nothing less than pantheism, or more exactly, pandeism. [However, t]he Creator is distinct from his creation. The reality of secondary causes is what separates Christian theism from pandeism. ** Pastor Bob Burridge, ''[http://www.genevaninstitute.org/syllabus/unit-two-theology-proper/lesson-4-the-decrees-of-god/ Theology Proper - Lesson 4: The Decrees of God]'' (1997). *Why does calling God the author of [[sin]] demand a pandeistic understanding of the universe effectively removing the reality of sin and moral law. ** Pastor Bob Burridge, ''[http://www.genevaninstitute.org/syllabus/unit-two-theology-proper/lesson-4-the-decrees-of-god/ Theology Proper - Lesson 4: The Decrees of God]'' (1997). == C == == D == * [W]hatever the deity which satisfied [[Matthew Arnold|Arnold]]'s personal experience may have been, the religion which he gives us in ''Literature and Dogma'' and ''God and the Bible'' is neither Deism nor bare Pan-Deism, but a diluted [[Positivism]]. As an ethical system it is in theory admirable, but its positive value is in the highest degree questionable. [[Blaise Pascal|Pascal]]'s judgment upon the God who emerged from the philosophical investigations of [[Rene Descartes]] was that He was a God who was unnecessary. And one may with even greater truth say that the man who is able to receive and live by the religion which Arnold offers him is no longer in need of its help and stimulus. To be able to appreciate an {{w|ethical idealism}} a man must himself be already an ethical idealist. ** [[w:William Harbutt Dawson|William Harbutt Dawson]], ''Matthew Arnold and His Relation to the Thought of Our Time'' (1904, republished 1977), p. 256 (1977 ed.) {{ISBN|0849206480}}; (1904 ed.) ASIN: B0006ADKGA. * God ''is'' growth, God ''is'' structure/knowledge, God ''is'' everything and nothing simultaneously. And, rather heretically for the Abrahamic religions, to perceive i.e. to cognate i.e. to be of matter i.e. to be structured energy generating a gravimetric field is an aspect of God relating to another aspect of God through light, which is of course God. In this, the underlying metaphysics are most definitely Pandeist. ** Niall Douglas, ''Freeing Growth - A Neo-Capitalist Manifesto'', 2009, page 8. * Were the revolutionary Pandeist concepts of the Third Testament just a bunch of lies invented by a monster? Could the synergy between deism and pantheism championed by Damarus be truly mythical, as Ammold Paramo had advocated? ** Matthew J. Drury, ''EDEN²'', 2011, page 229. == E == *The empu uses a typical pedanda ketu, "crown" which is tall and red, and a ball. Another man leads Pande ceremonies on the island. He represents a curious mix of Buddhism, Hinduism, and, if it can be called this, "Pandeism." Thirty or so years ago some of the Singaraja Pande leaders felt the need for proclaiming themselves to be something other than Hindu, since they considered their fundamental beliefs to be different enough from Hinduism to warrant making a distinction. **Fred B. Eiseman, Jr., ''Bali: Sekala and Niskala: Essays on Religion, Ritual, and Art'' (1989) p. 89. {{ISBN|0945971036}}. * The New Age movement includes elements of older spiritual and religious traditions ranging from atheism and monotheism through classical pantheism, naturalistic pantheism, pandeism and panentheism to polytheism combined with science and Gaia philosophy; particularly archaeoastronomy, astronomy, ecology, environmentalism, the Gaia hypothesis, psychology, and physics. ** Henry Harrison Epps, Jr., ''End times Organizations, Doctrines and Beliefs'' (2012) page 220. == F == * Se Deus é tudo isso, envolve tudo, a palavra andorinha, a palavra poço o a palavra amor, é que Deus é muito grande, enorme, infinito; é Deus realmente e o pandeismo de Nejar é uma das mais fortes ideias poéticas que nos têm chegado do mundo da Poesia. E o que não pode esperar desse poeta, desse criador poético, que em pouco menos de vinte anos, já chegou a essa grande iluminação poética? ** ''Translation'': "If God is all, involves everything, swallows every word, the deep word, the word love, then God is very big, huge, infinite; and for a God really like this, the pandeism of Nejar is one of the strongest poetic ideas that we have reached in the world of poetry. And could you expect of this poet, this poetic creator, that in a little less than twenty years, he has arrived at this great poetic illumination? ** [[Otávio de Faria]], "Pandeísmo em Carlos Nejar", in ''Última Hora'', Rio de Janeiro, May 17, 1978. * ''Dottrina, che pel suo idealismo poco circospetto, non solo la fede, ma la stessa ragione offende (il sistema di [[Immanuel Kant|KANT]]) : farebbe mestieri far aperto gli errori pericolosi, cosi alla Religione, come alla Morale, di quel psicologo franzese, il quale ha sedotte le menti ([[w:Victor Cousin|COUSIN]]), con far osservare come la di lui filosofia intraprendente ed audace sforza le barriere della sacra Teologia, ponendo innanzi ad ogn' altra autorità la propria : profana i misteri , dichiarandoli in parte vacui di senso, ed in parte riducendoli a volgari allusioni, ed a prette metafore; costringe, come faceva osservare un dotto Critico, la rivelazione a cambiare il suo posto con quello del pensiero istintivo e dell' affermazione senza riflessione e colloca la ragione fuori della persona dell'uomo dichiarandolo un frammento di Dio, una spezie di pandeismo spirituale introducendo, assurdo per noi, ed al Supremo Ente ingiurioso, il quale reca onda grave alla libertà del medesimo, ec, ec.'' ** ''Translation'': "A doctrine which, because of its little-circumspect [[idealism]], offends not just faith, but reason itself ([[Immanuel Kant|KANT]]): it would be useful to show the dangerous errors, to Religion as much as to Moral, of that French psychologist, who seduced minds ([[w:Victor Cousin|COUSIN]]), by showing how his bold and audacious philosophy breaks the barrier of the holy Theology, placing his own authority before any other: he profanes the mysteries, declaring them partly devoid of meaning, and partly reducing them to vulgar allusions and pure metaphors; forces, as a learned Critic noted, the revelation to swap places with instinctive thought and assertion without reflection without and places reason outside man, declaring man a fragment of God, introducing a sort of spiritual pandeism, which is absurd to us and insulting to the Supreme Being, which gravely offends freedom itself, etc, etc.” ** Italian phrenologist [[Luigi Ferrarese]] describing pandeism in ''Memorie Risguardanti la Dottrina Frenologica'' ("Thoughts Regarding the Doctrine of [[Phrenology]]", 1838), p. 16. * Yesterday's pan-deists, who worshiped trees and brooks, have become members of various environmental groups doing much the same thing. People like [[Al Gore]], others, and perhaps the reforesting [[Barack Obama|Obama]], have become their latter day shamans. ** Mark Finkelstein, [http://finkelblog.com/index.php/2009/04/11/happy-pan-deism-day-from-gail-collins/ "Happy Pan-Deism Day From Gail Collins"], (11th April 2009). * Pandeism is another belief that states that God is identical to the universe, but God no longer exists in a way where He can be contacted; therefore, this theory can only be proven to exist by reason. Pandeism views the entire universe as being from God and now the universe is the entirety of God, but the universe at some point in time will fold back into one single being which is God Himself that created all. Pandeism raises the question as to why would God create a universe and then abandon it? As this relates to pantheism, it raises the question of how did the universe come about what is its aim and purpose? ** Allan R. Fuller, ''Thought: The Only Reality''. 2010. Page 79. == G == *''Par ailleurs, un certain panthéisme, ou plutôt « pandéisme », se dégage de son œuvre où l'inspiration néoplatonicienne complète parfaitement la stricte orthodoxie chrétienne.'' ** Moreover, a certain pantheism, or rather ''pandeism'', emerges from his work where Neo-Platonic inspiration perfectly complements the strict Christian orthodoxy. ** [[:fr:Jean-Jacques Gabut|Jean-Jacques Gabut]], on [[John Scotus Eriugena|Eriugena]], in "[https://books.google.com/books?id=50FDDwAAQBAJ&pg=PT23&dq=pand%C3%A9isme&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiByZ3owbveAhULxVkKHQRbBscQ6AEINTAC#v=onepage&q=pand%C3%A9isme&f=false Origines et fondements spirituels et sociologiques de la maçonnerie écossaise]" (2017). *In the eighteenth century and early nineteenth century [[Spinoza]] even became the secular saint of a kind of mystical pantheist deism for authors like [[Goethe]], [[Schelling]], and [[Coleridge]]. **Aaron V. Garrett, ''Meaning in Spinoza's Method'' (2003), p. 2 * Yet still, should the demigod Pan come to bear, the result will be Pan-deism, the opening of Pandora's Box. ** 2003, Jon Gee, ''The Metaphysicians' Desk Reference: Including the Revised Formal System of Metaphysics'' p. 164 * Within the set of ideas related to [[panpsychism]], one can find variations which too have found a place in the history of human thought. For instance, in [[Hinduism]], the notion of ''[[w:Lila (Hinduism)|lila]]'' is akin to the concept of pandeism. ** James B. Glattfelder, ''Information—Consciousness—Reality: How a New Understanding of the Universe Can Help Answer Age-Old Questions of Existence'' (2019), p. 534 * While some construction using pan-, whether it be pantheism, pandeism or pankubernism describes [[Anaximander]] reasonably well, there is one further point to address here. Does this description technically apply to Anaximander? The issue here is that it is the ''apeiron'' which surrounds all and steers all, and the ''apeiron'' which is the divine. What then of the ''cosmos''? Clearly, that does not surround, but is it not divine? Does it do no steering? ** Andrew Gregory (2016). ''Anaximander: A Re-assessment''. p. 100 {{ISBN|1472506251}}. *''Beym Plinius, den man, wo nicht Spinozisten, doch einen Pandeisten nennen konnte, ist Natur oder Gott kein von der Welt getrenntes oder abgesondertes Wesen. Seine Natur ist die ganze Schöpfung im Konkreto, und eben so scheint es mit seiner Gottheit beschaffen zu seyn.'' **"In [[Pliny the Elder|Pliny]], whom one could call, if not a [[Baruch Spinoza|Spinozist]], then perhaps a Pandeist, Nature is not a being divided off or separated from the world. His nature is the whole of creation, in concrete, and the same appears to be true also of his divinity." ** [[Gottfried Große]], ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=6ro9AAAAcAAJ&pg=PA165&dq=pandeisten&ei=YiknS8ydDo3iyATjvZnbCA&cd=2#v=onepage&q=pandeisten&f=false Naturgeschichte: mit erläuternden Anmerkungen]'' (''Natural History: With Annotations''; translation and interpretation of [[Pliny the Elder]]'s [[w:Natural History (Pliny)|Natural History]]), 1787, page 165. This is the earliest extant description of pandeism found to date. * We might say a word about the Greek and Roman philosophers and compare their pan-deistic religions with ours. Aristotle, Plato, Plotinus, and Aurelius, for instance, allowed men and women to go after pleasure, and to achieve both personal happiness and the exercise of reason for its own sake here on Earth in contrast to the prescriptions set forth by St. Augusting and Thomas Aquinas. ** Walter Gruen Ph.D., ''The Promise of Human Autonomy'' (2017), p. 31 * India worships three hundred millions of divinities. To her, God is everything, and everything is God, and, therefore, everything may be adored. Snakes and monsters are her special divinities. Her pan-deism is a pandemonium. ** Reverend [[w:Henry Grattan Guinness|Henry Grattan Guinness]], "[[s:First Impressions of India|First Impressions of India]]," in [[w:John Harvey Kellogg|John Harvey Kellogg]], and the International Health and Temperance Association's, ''The Medical Missionary'' (1897), pages 125-127 == H == * There's nothing but syntax, semantics, technicalities, formalisms, (and, possibly, pretensions), to distinguish a Pandeist from an Atheist; truth be told. All "Atheists" believe in the same god pandeists do but their impersonal 'god' is no 'god' at all in the eyes of most religions. **Rev. Kyle Logan Hamlin, ''Better a Compassionate Atheist, Than an Apathetic Christian'' (2005 [2017]) p. 10. *Are we virtuous merely because we are restrained by the fetters of the law? We hear men prophecy that this war means the death of Christianity and an era of Pandeism or perhaps even the destruction of all which we call modern civilization and culture. We hear men predict that the ultimate result of the war will be a blessing to humanity. **Louis S. Hardin, '17, "The Chimerical Application of Machiavelli's Principles", ''[[w:Sheffield Scientific School|Sheffield Scientific School]]'', pp 461-465, [[w:Yale University|Yale University]] , May 1915 p. 463. * Mochten die Muslime in der großen Stadt auch ihre geschlossenen kleinen Welten aufbauen, kam es doch immer wieder zu Reibungen mit der hinduistischen Mehrheitsgesellschaft: Kastensystem vs. Egalität der Muslime, Fleischverzehr der Muslime vs. Vegetarismus der Hindus, Monotheismus der Muslime vs. Pandeismus und Heiligenverehrung unter den Hindus. * ''Translation'': "They want to build up their closed little worlds in the great city of the Muslims, but they came again and again into friction with the Hindu majority society: caste system vs. egalitarianism of the Muslims, meat consumption of the Muslims vs. vegetarianism of Hindus, monotheism of the Muslims vs. Pandeism and veneration of saints among the Hindus." ** [[:de:Jürgen Hartmann (Politikwissenschaftler)|Jürgen Hartmann]], ''Religion in der Politik: Judentum, Christentum, Islam'' (2014) page 237. *God thus excludes the world; he is only its cause; in no sense is he effect, of himself or anything else. Pantheism (better, "pandeism," for again it is not really the theos that is described) means that God is the integral totality of ordinary cause-effects, and that there, is no super-cause independent of ordinary causes and effects. **Professor [[w:Charles Hartshorne|Charles Hartshorne]], ''Man's Vision of God and the Logic of Theism'' (1941) p. 347. {{ISBN|020800498X}}. *God thus includes the world; he is, in fact, the totality of world parts, which are indifferently causes and effects. Now AR [absolute perfection in some respects, relative perfection in all others] is equally far from either of these doctrines; thanks to its two-aspect view of God, it is able consistently to embrace all that is positive in either deism or pandeism. AR means that God is, in one aspect of himself, the integral totality of all ordinary causes and effects, but that in another aspect, his essence (which is A), he is conceivable in abstraction from any one or any group of particular, contingent beings (though not from the requirement and the power always to provide himself with some particulars or other, sufficient to constitute in their integrated totality the R aspect of himself at the given moment). **Professor [[w:Charles Hartshorne|Charles Hartshorne]], ''Man's Vision of God and the Logic of Theism'' (1941) p. 348. {{ISBN|020800498X}}. *These distinctions make sense only when AR [absolute perfection in some respects, relative perfection in all others] is assumed (hence [[Baruch Spinoza|Spinoza's]] failure, who assumed mere A). Just as AR is the whole positive content of perfection, so CW, or the conception of the Creator-and-the-Whole-of-what-he-has-created as constituting one life, the super-whole which in its everlasting essence is uncreated (and does not necessitate just the parts which the whole has) but in its de facto concreteness is created - this panentheistic doctrine contains all of deism and pandeism except their arbitrary negations. Thus ARCW, or absolute-relative panentheism, is the one doctrine that really states the whole of what all theists, if not all atheists as well, are implicitly talking about. **Professor [[w:Charles Hartshorne|Charles Hartshorne]], ''Man's Vision of God and the Logic of Theism'' (1941) p. 348. {{ISBN|020800498X}}. *God split himself into a myriad parts that he might have friends. This may not be true, but it sounds good—and is no sillier than any other theology. ** [[Robert A. Heinlein]], Aphorisms of Lazarus Long, in "Time Enough for Love" (1978 [1973]), page 216. * God can be thought of as a transcendent sum of all things, with the whole transcending the sum in the sense of a 'gestalt'. If 'gods' (in the plural) exist, then they would exist add sub-categories for manifestations of the sum of all things. I have sometimes referred to myself as a 'pandeist', but tend to avoid mainstream or even technical categories because people then believe that they automatically understand your views. In the United States this generally means that one's religious identity is defined in terms of differences from Christianity, which is taken as the standard religious yardstick. I feel this objectifies and subordinates traditional Native American ways, and thus I often do not openly identify either as a traditional practitioner or as a 'pan-deist', often preferring the label 'atheist' as I do not feel that my views correlate with mainstream America's Christian notion of 'God'. However, something like 'pan-deism' does to some extent capture the nature of God as I experience it. Everything is God， any part of God, participating in the divine nature of all. ** Thurman 'Lee' Hester, Jr., "Native American spirituality", in Graham Oppy, N.N. Trakakis, ''Interreligious Philosophical Dialogues - Volume 3'' (2017), p. 46. * I think Pandeism was a system; &mdash; and that when I say the country or kingdom of Pandæa, I express myself in a manner similar to what I should do, if I said the Popish kingdom or the kingdoms of Popery; or again, the [[w:Ancient Greece|Greeks]] have many idle ceremonies in their church, meaning the Greeks of all nations: or, the countries of the Pope are superstitions, &c. At the same time, I beg to be understood as not denying that there was such a kingdom as that of Pandae, the daughter of Cristna, any more than I would deny that there was a kingdom of France ruled by the eldest son of the church, or the eldest son of the Pope. ** [[w:Godfrey Higgins|Godfrey Higgins]], ''[[w:Anacalypsis|Anacalypsis: An Attempt to Draw Aside the Veil of the Saitic Isis: Or an Inquiry into the Origin of Languages, Nations and Religions]]'' (1833), p. 439. Vol. I {{ISBN|0766126439}}; Vol. II {{ISBN|0766126447}}; (1972 ed.) - ASIN: B0006Y9FEM. **(Note: Substantially reproduced in [[w:John Ballou Newbrough|John Ballou Newbrough]], ''[[w:Oahspe Bible|Oahspe Bible]]'' (1882, republished 1998), p. 874 ISBN: (1909 ed.) ASIN: B00088L2AQ; (1998 ed.) {{ISBN|0966506502}}. * We have seen that though Cristna was said to have left many sons, he left his immense empire, which extended from the sources of the [[w:Indus River|Indus]] to [[w:Cape Comorin|Cape Comorin]], (for we find a Regio Pandionis near this point,) to his daughter Pandæa; but, from finding the icon of [[Buddha]] so constantly shaded with the nine Cobras, &c., I am induced to think that this Pandeism was a doctrine, which had been received both by [[w:Buddhists|Buddhists]] and [[w:Brahmin|Brahmin]]s. ** [[w:Godfrey Higgins|Godfrey Higgins]], ''[[w:Anacalypsis|Anacalypsis: An Attempt to Draw Aside the Veil of the Saitic Isis: Or an Inquiry into the Origin of Languages, Nations and Religions]]'' (1833), p. 439. Vol. I. {{ISBN|0766126439}}; Vol. II {{ISBN|0766126447}}; (1972 ed.) - ASIN: B0006Y9FEM. **(Note: Substantially reproduced in [[w:John Ballou Newbrough|John Ballou Newbrough]], ''[[w:Oahspe Bible|Oahspe Bible]]'' (1882, republished 1998), p. 874. ISBN: (1909 ed.) ASIN: B00088L2AQ; (1998 ed.) {{ISBN|0966506502}}. * In that sense the latent rationality of Christianity comes to permeate the everyday experience of the modern world— its values are now variously incarnated in the family, civil society, and the state. What Engels particularly embraced in all of this was an idea of modern pantheism (or, rather, pandeism), a merging of divinity with progressing humanity, a happy dialectical synthesis that freed him from the fixed oppositions of the pietist ethos of devout longing and estrangement. "Through Strauss I have now entered on the straight road to Hegelianism. . . . The Hegelian idea of God has already become mine, and thus I am joining the ranks of the 'modern pantheists",' Engels wrote in one of his final letters to the soon-to-be-discarded Graebers. ** [[Tristram Hunt]], ''Marx's General: The Revolutionary Life of Friedrich Engels'' (2010), page 43. == I == == J == * I’ve always liked the concept of God being beyond anything that the human mind can conceive. I think there is a pantheistic-deistic-American Indian combination religion out there for Americans. That rings true to me. ** {{w|Phil Jackson}} interviewed on religion by {{w|Michael Hirsley}} of the ''{{w|Chicago Tribune}}, “For Bulls coach, God is no game,” April 27, 1990, Section 2, Page 8. == K == *The ontological validity of Pandeistic views aside... every side of the heated and long-lasting argument around the "hard problem of consciousness" seems to be simultaneously correct. Factual or not, the mere fact that a philosophical system can be conceived wherein those apparently mutually-exclusive views no longer contradict one another is remarkable. **Bernardo Kastrup, Ph.D., ''[http://www.bernardokastrup.com/2010/03/consciousness-and-pandeism.htmlThe Parallels of Pandeism]'' (2010). * And you have been forever, and will be forever, and all the worrisome smashings of your foot on innocent cupboard doors it was only the Void pretending to be a man pretending not to know the Void. ** [[Jack Kerouac]], ''Desolation Angels'', 1965, page 6. * ''Dem Verfasser hat anscheinend die Einteilung: religiöse, rationale und naturwissenschaftlich fundierte Weltanschauungen vorgeschwebt; er hat sie dann aber seinem Material gegenüber schwer durchführbar gefunden und durch die mitgeteilte ersetzt, die das Prinzip der Einteilung nur noch dunkel durchschimmern läßt. Damit hängt wohl auch das vom Verfasser gebildete unschöne griechisch-lateinische Mischwort des ,Pandeismus' zusammen. Nach S. 228 versteht er darunter im Unterschied von dem mehr metaphysisch gearteten Pantheismus einen ,gesteigerten und vereinheitlichten Animismus', also eine populäre Art religiöser Weltdeutung. Prägt man lieh dies ein, so erstaunt man über die weite Ausdehnung, die dem Begriff in der Folge gegeben wird. Nach S. 284 ist Scotus Erigena ein ganzer, nach S. 300 Anselm von Canterbury ein ,halber Pandeist'; aber auch bei Nikolaus Cusanus und Giordano Bruno, ja selbst bei Mendelssohn und Lessing wird eine Art von Pandeismus gefunden (S. 306. 321. 346s).'' ** The author apparently intended to divide up religious, rational and scientifically based philosophies, but found his material overwhelming, resulting in an effort that can shine through the principle of classification only darkly. This probably is also the source of the unsightly Greek-Latin compound word, 'Pandeism.' At page 228, he understands the difference from the more metaphysical kind of pantheism, an enhanced unified animism that is a popular religious worldview. In remembering this borrowing, we were struck by the vast expanse given the term. According to page 284, Scotus Erigena is one entirely, at p. 300 Anselm of Canterbury is 'half Pandeist'; but also Nicholas of Cusa and Giordano Bruno, and even in Mendelssohn and Lessing is a kind of Pandeism found (p. 306 321 346s). ** Otto Kirn, reviewer, in [[w:Emil Schürer|Emil Schürer]], [[w:Adolf von Harnack|Adolf von Harnack]], editors, ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=sMYhAQAAMAAJ&q=pandeismus&dq=pandeismus&hl=en&sa=X&ei=wh5TUcSDDo7W0gGXp4CQCw&ved=0CEUQ6AEwBA Theologische Literaturzeitung]'', Volume 35, column 827 (1910). * Xenophanes... wrote elaborately on his own religious views that were mainly of a pandeistic character as opposed to the dominant worshiping of multiple anthropomorphic gods of his times. ** Pim de Klerk, "[http://www.pimdeklerk-palynology.eu/2500_yr_palaeoecology_-_de_Klerk_2017.pdf 2500 Years of Palaeoecology: A Note on the Work of Xenophanes of Colophon (Circa 570-475 BCE)]," ''Journal of Geography, Environment and Earth Science International'' (5 April 2017). *''Pantheismus und Pandeismus, Monismus und Dualismus: alles dies sind in Wirklichkeit nur verschiedene Formen des Gottschauens, verschiedene Beleuchtungsarten des Grundbegriffes, nämlich des Höchsten, von dem aus die verschiedenen Strahlungen in die Menschenseele sich hineinsenken und hier ein Spiegelbild projizieren, dessen Wahrnehmung die charakteriologische Eigenart des Einzelindividuums, die durch zeitliches, familiäres und soziologisches Milieu bedingte Auffassungsgabe vermittelt.'' **"Pantheism and Pandeism, Monism and Dualism: all these are really just different forms of God-light, various types of illumination of the basic concept, namely the highest, the height from which the various radiations in the human soul and project here is a mirror image, the perception of the characteristic nature of the individual, mediated by the temporal, familial and sociological milieu caused apprehension." **Paul Friedrich Köhler, ''Kulturwege und Erkenntnisse: Eine kritische Umschau in den Problemen des religiösen und geistigen Lebens'' (1916), p. 193. * “New Age” cosmologies reject materialism, naturalism and physicalism. They are commonly pantheistic or pandeistic. They frequently try to commandeer quantum physics and consciousness studies to illustrate their conception of the cosmos. ** Al Kresta, ''Dangers to the Faith: Recognizing Catholicism's 21st-Century Opponents'', "Science and Warfare With Religion" (2013), p. 255-256, n. 30, {{ISBN|1592767257}}. == L == *The [[w:World Health Organization|WHO]] and [[w:Médecins Sans Frontières|MSF]] and other organizations do great work, but they often lack the long-term committment and grass-roots organization needed to build a sustainable program. [[w:Missionary|Missionaries]] and hospitals like Holy Family also have made contributions and they recognize the need for providing economics-based aid (i.e. finding employment), but they lack the vigour and drive of the St. Stephens community. The government also does very little, but generally co- operates with St. Stephens in terms of getting OKs, partly because it is older than the [[w:Government of India|Indian government]] itself and partly because it has a stellar reputation for secularism. Indeed, most of the staff is either [[Hinduism|Hindu]] or [[Islam|Moslem]], but they are full of these pan-deist ideas, and even Zahir deliberately used the [[Christianity|Christian]] word "God" rather than "Allah" when talking with me.'' ** Paul La Porte, ''Social Work and Other Experiences in India'' (2003). * If divine becoming were complete, God's ''[[kenosis]]''--God's self-emptying for the sake of love--would be total. In this ''pandeistic'' view, nothing of God would remain separate and apart from what God would become. Any separate divine existence would be inconsistent with God's unreserved participation in the lives and fortunes of the actualized phenomena. ** William C. Lane, "[http://apq.press.illinois.edu/47/1/lane.html Leibniz's Best World Claim Restructured]," ''American Philosophical Journal'', January 2010, volume 47, issue 1, page 67. *In pandeism, God is no superintending, heavenly power, capable of hourly intervention into earthly affairs. No longer existing "above," God ''cannot'' intervene from above and cannot be blamed for failing to do so. Instead God ''bears'' all suffering, whether the fawn's or anyone else's.<br><br>Even so, a skeptic might ask, "Why must there be ''so'' much suffering,? Why could not the world's design omit or modify the events that cause it?" In pandeism, the reason is clear: to remain unified, a world must convey information through transactions. Reliable conveyance requires relatively simple, uniform laws. Laws designed to skip around suffering-causing events or to alter their natural consequences (i.e., their consequences under simple laws) would need to be vastly complicated or (equivalently) to contain numerous exceptions. ** William C. Lane, "[http://apq.press.illinois.edu/47/1/lane.html Leibniz's Best World Claim Restructured]," ''American Philosophical Journal'', January 2010, volume 47, issue 1, pages 76–77. * This one god could be of the deistic or pantheistic sort. Deism might be superior in explaining why God has seemingly left us to our own devices and pantheism could be the more logical option as it fits well with the ontological argument's 'maximally-great entity' and doesn't rely on unproven concepts about 'nothing' (as in 'creation out of nothing'). A mixture of the two, pandeism, could be the most likely God-concept of all. ** Raphael Lataster, ''There was no Jesus, there is no God: A Scholarly Examination of the Scientific, Historical, and Philosophical Evidence & Arguments for Monotheism'', page 165, 2013. *''Man stelle es also den Denkern frei, ob sie Theisten, Pan-theisten, Atheisten, Deisten (und warum nicht auch '''Pandeisten'''?) sein wollen: dem Volke aber predigt nichts von Gott und ja nichts von Unsterblichkeit.'' **"Man leaves it to the philosophers, whether they are Theists, Pan-theists, Atheists, Deists (and why not also Pandeists?) to want; but the people are preached nothing of a god of everything and nothing with immortality." **[[w:Moritz Lazarus|Moritz Lazarus]] and [[w:Heymann Steinthal|Heymann Steinthal]], ''Zeitschrift für Völkerpsychologie und Sprachwissenschaft'' ("''Magazine for People's Psychology and Linguistics''") (1859), p. 262-63. *''Caeiro unterläuft die Unterscheidung zwischen dem Schein und dem, was etwa "Denkerge-danken" hinter ihm ausmachen wollen. Die Dinge, wie er sie sieht, sind als was sie scheinen. Sein Pan-Deismus basiert auf einer Ding-[[metaphysics|Metaphysik]], die in der modernen Dichtung des zwanzigsten Jahrhunderts noch Schule machen sollte.'' ** "Caeiro interposes the distinction between the light and what "philosopher thoughts" want to constitute behind him. The things, as he sees them, are as they seem. His pandeism is based on a metaphysical thing, which should still become a school of thought under the modern seal of the twentieth century." **[[Von Martin Lüdke]], "Ein moderner Hüter der Dinge; Die Entdeckung des großen Portugiesen geht weiter: [[w:Fernando Pessoa|Fernando Pessoa]] hat in der Poesie Alberto Caeiros seinen Meister gesehen", ("A modern guardian of things; The discovery of the great Portuguese continues: Fernando Pessoa saw its master in the poetry of Alberto Caeiros"), ''[[w:Frankfurter Rundschau|Frankfurter Rundschau]]'', August 18 2004. * ''Nehmen wir einmal an, wir würden das allumfassende Gesetz der Natur finden, nach dem wir suchen, so dass wir schließlich voller Stolz versichern könnten, so und nicht anders ist die Welt aufgebaut – sofort entstünde eine neue Frage: Was steht hinter diesem Gesetz, warum ist die Welt gerade so aufgebaut? Dieses Warum führt uns über die Grenzen der Naturwissenschaft in den Bereich der Religion. Als Fachmann sollte ein Physiker antworten: Wir wissen es nicht, wir werden es niemals wissen. Andere würden sagen, dass Gott dieses Gesetz aufstellte, also das Universum schuf. Ein Pandeist würde vielleicht sagen, dass das allumfassende Gesetz eben Gott sei.'' ** Suppose we would find the all-encompassing law of nature, we are looking for so that finally we could assure proudly, the world is built up this way and no differently -- immediately it would create a new question: What is behind this law, why is the world set up just so? This leads us beyond the limits of science into the field of religion. As an expert, a physicist should respond: We do not know, we'll never know. Others would say that God authored this law, that created the universe. A Pandeist might say that the all-encompassing law ''is'' God. ** Südwestrundfunk SWR2 Aula – Manuskriptdienst (Abschrift eines Gesprächs) "Gott plus Urknall = X Die Astrophysik und der Glaube (2)" Es diskutieren: Professor Hans Küng und Professor Harald Lesch, Redaktion: Ralf Caspary, Sendung: Sonntag, 16. Mai 2010, 8.30 Uhr, SWR2" (Zitat des Nobelpreisträgers von 1970 Hannes Alfvén durch den Astrophysiker Harald Lesch) [http://swrmediathek.de/player.htm?show=73ab41a0-dac5-11df-950c-0026b975f2e6 Zitat in der Sendung "Gott plus Urknall(2)" (SWR2 Aula vom 16.05.2010), 1:32 Sekundes] ** Southwest Broadcasting SWR2 Aula - Manuscript service (Transcript of a conversation) "God plus Big Bang = X: Astrophysics and faith(2)" Discussants: Professor Hans Küng and Professor Harald Lesch, Editor: Ralf Caspary, broadcast: Sunday, 16th May 2010 at 8.30 clock, [http://swrmediathek.de/player.htm?show=73ab41a0-dac5-11df-950c-0026b975f2e6 Quote of the Nobel laureate Hannes Alfven in the show "God plus Big Bang (2)" (SWR2 Hall of 16/05/2010), 1:32 seconds]. == M == * Over time there have been other schools of thought formed under the umbrella of deism including [[Christian deism]], belief in deistic principles coupled with the moral teachings of [[Jesus of Nazareth]], and Pandeism, a belief that God became the entire universe and no longer exists as a separate being. ** [http://www.mnn.com/lifestyle/arts-culture/stories/what-is-deism What Is Deism?], Douglas MacGowan, ''[[w:Mother Nature Network|Mother Nature Network]]'', May 21, 2015. *What is referred to herein as a "divine spirituality" is nothing but the intrinsic and unaided propensity and proclivity of matter to self-organize. This, of course, is capable of "dying" when the limit of expansion is reached, and the old-age [[w:Big Crunch|Big Crunch]] starts. This is the way the [[w:Gaia hypothesis|Gaia]] Universe dies. Here I must side with [[Heraclitus|Heracleitus]], [[w:Stoicism|the Stoics]], [[Giordano Bruno|Bruno]], [[w:Johann Gottlieb Fichte|Fichte]], [[w:Friedrich Wilhelm Joseph Schelling|Schelling]], [[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe|Goethe]] and [[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel|Hegel]]. Mind is eternal, mind never dies, mind is the universe. The Pandeist God is the Salmon-God: when it spawns it dies. [They] side with [[Friedrich Nietzsche|Nietzsche]] — God is dead — only that for Nietzsche there never was a 'god.' **Professor Ramon G. Mendoza, ''History of Ideas: Pantheism'' (1996). * According to [[w:Alan M. Olson|Olson]], [[Karl Jaspers|Jaspers]]'s perception of ciphers stresses the centrality of the individual experiencing the constitution of the symbol and activity involved in interpreting it, compared with Christian theology, which grants a different weight to the individual and to the symbolic aspects of religion. In his opinion, the fear that pandeism or the tendency to reduce faith into the external means by which it is obtained would eventually lead to the viewing of these means as having purely subjective, and also mutable, validity, was behind the Catholic church's emphasis on the objective truth of the symbols themselves in relation to the individual religious experience. ** Ronny Miron, ''Karl Jaspers: From Selfhood to Being'' (Rodopi 2012), p. 249, ISBN 9042035315. * The site seems to exude some force, as if there is a multitude of souls in everything around you. I don't know if this is the philosophy of Pandeism or Pantheism, but in the tranquility of the moment, I don't care either. ** Peter Moore, ''Valhalla and the Fjord: A Spiritual Motorcycle Journey'' (2014), page 19. * There is a religious view I find interesting, which is pandeism: the view that God used to exist, and be the only thing that existed, and then transformed himself into the universe, and so no longer exists. The reason God did this was basically for fun, or to see what happened. And maybe at some point the universe will transform itself back into God—that would be like nirvana or heaven. But then eventually God would get bored again and start the cycle over. As I understand it, this is close to some parts of Hindu cosmology. ** Hedda Hassel Mørch, "[https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/cross-check/beyond-physicalism/ Beyond Physicalism: Philosopher Hedda Hassel Mørch defends the idea that consciousness pervades the cosmos]", [[John Horgan (journalist)|John Horgan]], ''Scientific American'', December 9, 2019 * Not all monists are pantheists. Exclusive monists believe that the universe, the God of the pantheist, simply does not exist. In addition, monists can be Deists, pandeists, theists or panentheists; believing in a monotheistic God that is omnipotent and all-pervading, and both transcendent and immanent. ** Theresa J. Morris, ''Knowing Cosmology: Ascension Age'' (2014) page 85. == N == == O == *The theory presented in the Anacalypsis... is that a secret religious order, which [Higgins] labeled Pandeism, had continued from ancient times to the present day, stretching at least from [[w:Greece|Greece]] to [[w:India|India]], and possibly having covered the entire world. **[[w:Suzanne Olsson|Suzanne Olsson]], ''[[Jesus]] in [[w:Kashmir|Kashmir]]: The Lost [[w:Tomb|Tomb]]'' (Gateway Books, 2019), p. 392. {{ISBN|978057849626-9}}. == P == * What appeared here, at the center of the [[Pythagoras|Pythagorean]] tradition in [[philosophy]], is another view of ''psyche'' that seems to owe little or nothing to the pan-vitalism or pan-deism (see ''[[wiktionary:theion|theion]]'') that is the legacy of the Milesians. ** Professor [[w:Francis Edwards Peters|Francis E. Peters]], ''Greek Philosophical Terms: A Historical Lexicon'' (NYU Press 1967), p. 169. {{ISBN|0814765521}}. * In certain passages of the OT the concept of Babylon emerges into an archetypal figure for the proud, God-defying forces of this world. In the NT it is even more clearly a type of pan-deism formed from a synthesis of Christianity and paganism; this is indicated symbolically in the description of the woman riding on the Beast. ** Charles F. Pfeiffer, Howard Frederic Vos, John Ream, ''The Wycliffe Bible Encyclopedia'', 1975, page 190, {{ISBN|0802496970}}. * [[Otávio de Faria]] póde falar, com razão, de um pandeísmo de [[Carlos Nejar]]. Não uma poesia panteísta, mas pandeísta. Quero dizer, uma cosmogonia, um canto geral, um cancioneiro do humano e do divino. Mas o divino no humano ** ''Translation'': [[Otávio de Faria]] spoke of the pandeism of [[Carlos Nejar]]. Not a pantheist poetry, but pandeist. I want to say, a cosmogony, one I sing generally, a chansonnier of the human being and the holy ghost. But the holy ghost in the human being. ** [[Giovanni Pontiero]], ''Carlos Nejar, poeta e pensador'', 1983, page 349. * ''Metafísica es pandeista y degenera en el idealismo.'' ** Translation: Metaphysics is deist and degenerates into idealism. ** Carlos Wiesse Portocarrero, Sistemas filosóficos de la India (Philosophical Systems of India), November 1877, Part V. * Bruno imagines all planets and stars having souls (part of what he means by them all having the same “composition”), and he uses his cosmology as a tool for advancing an animist or Pandeist theology. ** [[w:Corey S. Powell|Corey S. Powell]], "Defending Giordano Bruno: A Response from the Co-Writer of “Cosmos”," Discover, March 13, 2014. * A very contemporary deceptive religious concept that targets uninformed and unsaved people is a type of religious belief called Pandeism. This word is a combination of Pantheism and Deism. Pantheism promotes that God is in everything. Deism means that God is somehow no longer involved with His creation. This false religious view is why many have come to believe that God, the Creator of the universe, no longer exists, because He became the universe and is now the universe. Many unsaved people believe that the universe makes decisions about people. ** Brent Price, D.Min., ''Be Prepared Evangelism: The Personal Evangelism Game Changer'', 2022, page 137. *''Osnovna pitanja politi&#269;ke teologije jesu: polemika protiv svakog teološkog imanentizma i pandeizma Hegelova tipa, zatim polemika protiv polideizma ikao sinonima za politi&#269;ki pluralizam, polemika protiv svakog ateizma kao i njegove suvremene varijante materijalizma i scijentizma.'' **The basic questions of political theology are: a polemic against any theological immanentism and pandeism of Hegel's type, a polemic against polydeism and synonyms for political pluralism, a polemic against each of atheism and its modern variants of materialism and scientism. ** Eugen Pusiæ, ''Francuska revolucija - ljudska prava i politi&#269;ka demokracija'', Page 270, 1991. == Q == == R == * But even if the nightmare was a vision of the truth, Mr Mond can still believe in God, because he says that God became the universe. Therefore the universe is God.<br>No. In becoming the universe God abdicated. He destroyed himself as God. He turned what he had been, his true self, into nullity and thereby forfeited the Godlike qualities which pertained to him. The universe which he has become is also his grave. He has no control in it or over it. God, as God, is dead. ** [[Simon Raven]], ''[[w:The Survivors (Simon Raven novel)|The Survivors]]'', 1976, p. 90. * The real significance of the symbiosis becomes evident if one considers the radical pan-psych position that every piece of matter has a “psych” property or pan-deist position that some “Consciousness” interacts with all matter. ** Michael P. Remler, ''The Mechanisms, Metaphysics, and History of Consciousness in the World'', 2020, p. 50. * In the pandeism argument, an omnipotent and omnibenevolent God creates the universe and in the process becomes the universe and loses his powers to intervene in human affairs. ** [[w:Sal Restivo|Sal Restivo]], ''Society and the Death of God'', 2021, p. 123. *"The position of Pope Paul came close to being a pan-Deism, and pan-Deism is the logical development of the virus of Hellenic thought." **[[Rousas John Rushdoony]], [https://chalcedon.edu/store/39991-the-one-and-the-many-studies-in-the-philosophy-of-order-and-ultimacy The One and the Many: Studies in the Philosophy of Order and Ultimacy] (1971 [2007]), Ch. VIII-7, p. 142. *"But a sincere idealist, implicitly pan-Deist in faith, deeply concerned with the problems of the world and of time, can be a Ghibelline pope, and Dante's Ghibellines have at last triumphed." **[[Rousas John Rushdoony]], [https://chalcedon.edu/store/39991-the-one-and-the-many-studies-in-the-philosophy-of-order-and-ultimacy The One and the Many: Studies in the Philosophy of Order and Ultimacy] (1971 [2007]), Ch. VIII-7, p. 143. == S == * The view that the universe is not only God but also a person is called "pandeism." Do you agree with [[William James|James]] that viewing the universe as a person would help give meaning to your life? ** Theodore Schick and Lewis Vaughnm ''Doing Philosophy: An Introduction Through Thought Experiments'', 5th Edition (2013), p. 506, § 6.3, "Faith and Meaning: Believing the Unbelievable," §§ “Thought Probe: James and Pandeism.” *Jubal... is a devout and fierce individualist in a world filled with cults and bureaucracies, and by novel's end it is he, not Jill nor Mike, that is still a stranger, still tilting against the windmills. He honestly believes in his own free will, which Mike, Jill, and the Fosterites misinterpret as a pandeistic urge, 'Thou art God!' Mike, by contrast, readily abandons his Martian beliefs for human ones, even as he claims to merely find a congress between them. **[[w:Dan Schneider (writer)|Dan Schneider]], ''Review of [[Stranger In A Strange Land]] (The Uncut Version), by [[Robert A. Heinlein]]'' (7/29/05)[http://www.hackwriters.com/strangerH.htm]. *The Eastern view of morality springs from a fundamentally different view of reality. We in the West regard the universe as a ''creation'' of God; like an invention or a product. After he created the universe, God set himself to oversee it and manage it. We see God as our boss. He created the universe, he is present in it, he manages every part of it, but he is still separate from it. It's like he installed video cameras all over the universe, so he can see everything that happens, and he can cause this or that to happen, but he is not a part of what happens. The Eastern view is very different. To the Hindu, for example, God didn't ''create'' the universe, but God ''became'' the universe. Then he forgot that he became the universe. Why would God do this? Basically, for entertainment. You create a universe, and that in itself is very exciting. But then what? Should you sit back and watch this universe of yours having all the fun? No, you should have all the fun yourself. To accomplish this, God transformed into the whole universe. ''God is the Universe'', and everything in it. But the universe doesn't know that because that would ruin the suspense. The universe is God's great drama, and God is the stage, the actors, and the audience all at once. The title of this epic drama is "The Great Unknown Outcome." Throw in potent elements like passion, love, hate, good, evil, free will; and who knows what will happen? No one knows, and that is what keeps the universe interesting. But everyone will have a good time. And there is never really any danger, because everyone is really God, and God is really just playing around. **Warren B. Sharpe, ''Philosophy for the Serious Heretic: The Limitations of Belief and the Derivation of Natural Moral Principles'' (2002) p. 396 {{ISBN|0595215963}}. == T == == U == * ''Certo è che quel concetto forma una delle basi morali fondamentali di religiosi i cui segnaci sono oltre i due terzi della popolazione del globo, mentre è influenzato dall'indole speciale di ciascuna di esse, cioè da un idealismo sovrumano nel Cristianesimo, da un nichilismo antiumano nel buddismo, e da un pandeismo eclettico nell'incipiente ma progrediente Bramoismo indiano; e a queste credenze che ammettono il principio ideale della fratellanza universale, conviene aggiungere il naturalismo estetico scientifico greco-romano e moderno che inspira, in modo sostanziale, tutto l'insegnamento pubblico Europeo, e contro il quale protestarono sempre e molto logicamente gli ortodossi cristiani, da Paolo II papa a Giuseppe di Maistre.'' ** It is certain that this concept forms a fundamental moral bases of religious whose cable markers are more than two-thirds of the world's population, while special influence on the capacities of each of them, by a superhuman [[idealism]] in Christianity, a nihilism antihuman in Buddhism, and an incipient but eclectic pandeism progressing in Bramanist Indian beliefs; and those who admit the principle ideal of universal brotherhood, it is worthwhile scientific naturalism aesthetic greek-roman and modern inhales, substantially, all the teaching European audience, and against which they protested always very logically and the Orthodox Christians, Pope Paul II to Joseph Maistre." ** [[w:Gustavo Uzielli|Gustavo Uzielli]], ''Ricerche intorno a Leonardo da Vinci'' ("''Research into Leonardo da Vinci''"), 1896, p. xxxv. == V == == W == * 在《撒忧的龙船河》里的撒忧文化, "撒忧"又叫"撒阳"、"撒野"、"撒尔嗬" ,就是生长在'''泛自然神论'''文化下的生殖崇拜符号, 撒野现象就是指土家情歌中那些强烈的生命冲动和人性张扬中所表现出来的野性美。 ** In "Spreading Worry on the Dragon Boat River", ''san yu'', also known as ''san yang'', ''san ye'', and ''san er hu'', are the words used to refer to the worship of reproduction under Pandeism, as demonstrated in romantic songs sung by village people to show the strong impulse of vitality and humanity and the beauty of wildness. *** 王俊康 (Wang Junkang), in 叶梅研究专集 ''Ye Mei Special Collection'' (2007), p. 177. * 在叶梅的早期小说里那种'''泛自然神论'''的浪漫精神随处可见,其目的是在张扬人性, 张扬'''泛自然神论'''下人性的自由。 ** In the early novels of Ye Mei the romantic spirit of Pandeism can be seen everywhere, aimed at advocating for humanity, advocating for individual human freedom under Pandeism. ** 王俊康 (Wang Junkang), in 叶梅研究专集 ''Ye Mei Special Collection'' (2007), p. 188. * Attention to Christ and the Spirit delivers us from pantheism, pandeism, and process theology. ** [[w:Graham Ward (theologian)|Graham Ward]], ''How the Light Gets In: Ethical Life I'', page 313, 2016. *God did not create the world, He became the world. God became the world to realize himself, in material form, to realize an eternal and infinite aim. It is for the purpose of realizing His eternal and infinite aim that He became the world. Now notice this. God had to conceive the one primordial idea to become the world. Thus the idea preceded the world. This is supposed to be the relation between cause and effect. The cause is assumed to be prior to and independent of the effect; while the effect is assumed to be posterior to and dependent upon the cause. **Rabbi [[w:Harry Waton|Harry Waton]], ''A True Monistic Philosophy: Comprehending the Absolute, God, Existence, Man, Society and History'' (1947) p. 232. ASIN: B0006ARGQ0. * ''Wenn auch nur durch einen Buchstaben (d statt th), unter­scheiden wir grundsätzlich Pandeismus vom Pantheismus.'' * Even if only by a letter (d in place of th), we fundamentally differ Pandeism from Pantheism. ** Max Bernhard Weinsten, ''Welt- und Lebensanschauungen, Hervorgegangen aus Religion, Philosophie und Naturerkenntnis'' ("World and Life Views, Emerging From Religion, Philosophy and Nature") (1910), page 227. * ''Wir werden später sehen, daß die Indier auch den Pandeismus gelehrt haben. Der letzte Zustand besteht in dieser Lehre im Eingehen in die betreffende Gottheit, Brahma oder Wischnu. So sagt in der Bhagavad-Gîtâ Krishna-Wischnu, nach vielen Lehren über ein vollkommenes Dasein.'' ** Translation: We will see later that the Indian people have also taught Pandeism. The last condition exists in this doctrine in entering into the deity Brahma or Vishnu in question. So says the Bhagavad-Gita about Krishna-Vishnu, after many teachings about a perfect existence. ** Max Bernhard Weinstein, ''Welt- und Lebensanschauungen, Hervorgegangen aus Religion, Philosophie und Naturerkenntnis'' ("World and Life Views, Emerging From Religion, Philosophy and Nature") page 213, 1910. * 在这里,人与天是平等和谐的,这就是说,它是'''泛自然神论'''或是无神论的,这是中国人文思想的一大特色。 ** Here, there is a harmony between man and the divine, and they are equal, that is to say, it is either Pandeism or atheism, which is a major feature of Chinese philosophical thought. *** 文池 (Wen Chi), in 在北大听讲座: 思想的灵光 ''Lectures at Peking University: Thinking of Aura'' (2002), p. 121. *Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:</br>The Soul that rises with us, our life's Star,</br>Hath had elsewhere its setting,</br>And cometh from afar:</br>Not in entire forgetfulness,</br>And not in utter nakedness,</br>But trailing clouds of glory do we come</br>From God, who is our home:</br>Heaven lies about us in our infancy! **[[William Wordsworth]], ''[[w:Ode: Intimations of Immortality|Ode: Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood]]'' (1807), Stanza 5. == X == == Y == == Z == *''Als Gesamtcharakteristik wählte H. sich die Bezeichnung eines neo-transzendentalen Subsistenz-Relationismus bzw. mehr inhaltlich: eines Hen-Pan-Deismus (nicht: -theismus); geschichtsphilosophisch schließt dies Atheismus, naturphilosophisch einen Quasi-Pantheismus - das Absolute als definitiver Prinzipiationsgrenzwert unter Gültigkeitsrücksichten - ein.'' **"As a general characteristic H. chose the name of a neo-transcendental subsistence relationism or more substance: a dominant Pan-deism (not -theism); of history, this includes atheism, natural philosophy a quasi-pantheism - the Absolute as a definite principally under validity considerations - one." **Kurt Walter Zeidler, [http://phaidon.philo.at/asp/hholz.htm Archiv für Systematische Philosophie - Harald Holz] (2003). * '''泛自然神论'''的浪漫精神三峡文化的艺术原素是一种独特的理想浪漫精神,是纯朴粗犷、绚丽诡竒的。 ** A representation of the romantic essence that is created when integrating rugged simplicity with the natural beauty spoken about by pan deism. *** 张道葵 (Zhang Dao Kui), in 文化研究 ''Cultural Studies'', Issues 1-12 (2001), p. 65. * Pandeism. This is a kind of pantheism that incorporates a form of deism, holding that the universe is identical to God but also that God was previously a conscious and sentient force or entity that designed and created the universe. ** Ronald R. Zollinger, ''Mere Mormonism: Defense of Mormon Theology'' page 6, 2010. ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{wiktionary|pandeism}} [[Category:Religion]] fi0jhw2fewj3m5ju2ea37d1er6azjvr 0 74441 3158086 3154825 2022-08-26T05:21:12Z BD2412 3982 /* Sn–So */ *[[Maria V. Snyder|Syder, Maria V.]] wikitext text/x-wiki '''Subset of [[List of people by name]]''' {{People by name}} == S == ===Saa–Sam=== *[[Nawal El Saadawi|Saadawi, Nawal El]] *[[Saadi]] *[[Aiysha Saagar|Saagar, Aiysha]] *[[Yousef Saanei|Saanei, Yousef]] *[[Mikheil Saakashvili|Saakashvili, Mikheil]] *[[Rafael Sabatini|Sabatini, Rafael]] *[[Ernesto Sábato|Sábato, Ernesto]] *[[Michel Sabbah|Sabbah, Michel]] *[[Florence R. Sabin|Sabin, Florence R.]] *[[Fernando Sabino|Sabino, Fernando]] *[[Arrigo Sacchi|Sacchi, Arrigo]] *[[Joe Sacco|Sacco, Joe]] *[[Louis Sachar|Sachar, Louis]] *[[Oliver Sacks|Sacks, Oliver]] *[[Jonathan Sacks|Sacks, Rabbi Sir Jonathan]] *[[Vita Sackville-West|Sackville-West, Vita]] *[[Marquis de Sade|Sade, Donatien de]] *[[Jerry Sadowitz|Sadowitz, Jerry]] *[[Muqtada Sadr|Sadr, Muqtada]] *[[Moshe Safdie|Safdie, Moshe]] *[[William Safire|Safire, William]] *[[Paul Saffo|Saffo, Paul]] *[[Howard Safir|Safir, Howard]] *[[Carl Sagan|Sagan, Carl]] *[[Françoise Sagan|Sagan, Françoise]] *[[Kamal Sagar|Sagar, Kamal]] *[[Bob Saget|Saget, Bob]] *[[Mark Sagoff|Sagoff, Mark]] *[[Mort Sahl|Sahl, Mort]] *[[Mona Sahlin|Sahlin, Mona]] *[[Edward Said|Said, Edward]] *[[Ihara Saikaku|Saikaku, Ihara]] *[[Nattawut Saikua|Saikua, Nattawut]] *[[Steve Sailer|Sailer, Steve]] *[[Antoine de Saint Exupéry|Saint Exupéry, Antoine de]] *[[Charles Augustin Sainte-Beuve|Sainte-Beuve, Charles Augustin]] *[[Mellin de Saint-Gelais|Saint-Gelais, Mellin de]] *[[Louis Antoine de Saint-Just|Saint-Just, Louis Antoine de]] *[[Yves Saint-Laurent|Saint-Laurent, Yves]] *[[Camille Saint-Saëns|Saint-Saëns, Camille]] *[[George Saintsbury|Saintsbury, George]] *[[George Saitoti|Saitoti, George]] *[[Pat Sajak|Sajak, Pat]] *[[Eisuke Sakakibara|Sakakibara, Eisuke]] *[[Andrei Sakharov|Sakharov, Andrei]] *[[Saki]] *[[Riiko Sakkinen|Sakkinen, Riiko]] *[[George Augustus Henry Sala|Sala, George Augustus Henry]] *[[Abdus Salam|Salam, Abdus]] *[[Nina Salaman|Salaman, Nina]] *[[António de Oliveira Salazar|Salazar, António de Oliveira]] *[[V.J.P. Saldanha|Saldanha, V.J.P.]] *[[Ali Abdullah Saleh|Saleh, Ali Abdullah]] *[[William Saletan|Saletan, William]] *[[Bill Sali|Sali, Bill]] *[[Antonio Salieri|Salieri, Antonio]] *[[Barham Salih|Salih, Barham]] *[[J. D. Salinger|Salinger, J. D.]] *[[Johann Gaudenz von Salis-Seewis|Salis-Seewis, Johann Gaudenz von]] *[[Jonas Salk|Salk, Jonas]] *[[Sallust]] *[[Sallustius]] (or Sallust) *[[Ben Salmon|Salmon, Ben]] *[[Alex Salmond|Salmond, Alex]] *[[Edwin Ernest Salpeter|Salpeter, Edwin Ernest]] *[[Henry Stephens Salt|Salt, Henry Stephens]] *[[Titus Salt|Salt, Titus]] *[[James Salter|Salter, James]] *[[Jerry Saltz|Saltz, Jerry]] *[[R. A. Salvatore|Salvatore, R. A.]] *[[Francesco Salvi|Salvi, Francesco]] *[[Andy Samberg|Samberg, Andy]] *[[Richie Sambora|Sambora, Richie]] *[[Jay Samit|Samit, Jay]] *[[Anthony Sampson|Sampson, Anthony]] *[[Larry Samuelson|Samuelson, Larry]] *[[Paul Samuelson|Samuelson, Paul]] ===San–Say=== *[[José de San Martín|San Martín, José de]] *[[Aung San|San, Aung]] *[[Totaram Sanadhya|Sanadhya, Totaram]] *[[Julian Sanchez|Sanchez, Julian]] *[[Luis Rafael Sánchez|Sánchez, Luis Rafael]] *[[Matt Sanchez|Sanchez, Matt]] *[[Ricardo Sanchez|Sanchez, Ricardo]] *[[Milcha Sanchez-Scott|Sanchez-Scott, Milcha]] *[[Ignatius Sancho|Sancho, Ignatius]] *[[George Sand|Sand, George]] *[[Yane Sandanski|Sandanski, Yane]] *[[Richard Sandbrook|Sandbrook, Richard]] *[[Carl Sandburg|Sandburg, Carl]] *[[Barry Sanders (professor)|Sanders, Barry]] *[[Bernie Sanders|Sanders, Bernie]] *[[Harland Sanders|Sanders, Harland]] *[[Brandon Sanderson|Sanderson, Brandon]] *[[John M. Sandidge|Sandidge, John M.]] *[[Deion Sanders|Sanders, Deion]] *[[Adam Sandler|Sandler, Adam]] *[[Bobby Sands|Sands, Bobby]] *[[Mark Sanford|Sanford, Mark]] *[[Larry Sanger|Sanger, Larry]] *[[Margaret Sanger|Sanger, Margaret]] *[[Margaret Elizabeth Sangster|Sangster, Margaret Elizabeth]] *[[Thomas Sankara|Sankara, Thomas]] *[[Jacopo Sannazaro|Sannazaro, Jacopo]] *[[George Bailey Sansom|Sansom, George Bailey]] *[[Francesco Sansovino|Sansovino, Francesco]] *[[Carlos Santana|Santana, Carlos]] *[[George Santayana|Santayana, George]] *[[Luis Santeiro|Santeiro, Luis]] *[[Esmeralda Santiago|Santiago, Esmeralda]] *[[Rick Santorum|Santorum, Rick]] *[[Epifanio de los Santos|Santos, Epifanio de los]] *[[Mayra Santos-Febres|Santos-Febres, Mayra]] *[[Edward Sapir|Sapir, Edward]] *[[Milton Sapirstein|Sapirstein, Milton]] *[[Andrzej Sapkowski|Sapkowski, Andrzej]] *[[Robert Sapolsky|Sapolsky, Robert]] *[[Sappho]] *[[Vikram Sarabhai|Sarabhai, Vikram]] *[[Tanya Saracho|Saracho, Tanya]] *[[Bukola Saraki|Saraki, Bukola]] *[[José Saramago|Saramago, José]] *[[Susan Sarandon|Sarandon, Susan]] *[[Chinmayananda Saraswati|Saraswati, Chinmayananda]] *[[Dayanand Saraswati|Saraswati, Dayanand]] *[[Niranjanananda Saraswati|Saraswati, Niranjanananda]] *[[Epes Sargent|Sargent, Epes]] *[[John Singer Sargent|Sargent, John Singer]] *[[Serzh Sargsyan|Sargsyan, Serzh]] *[[Tigran Sargsyan|Sargsyan, Tigran]] *[[Jadunath Sarkar|Sarkar, Jadunath]] *[[Nicolas Sarkozy|Sarkozy, Nicolas]] *[[Leslie Sarony|Sarony, Leslie]] *[[William Saroyan|Saroyan, William]] *[[George Sarton|Sarton, George]] *[[Jean-Paul Sartre|Sartre, Jean-Paul]] *[[Ben Sasse|Sasse, Ben]] *[[Siegfried Sassoon|Sassoon, Siegfried]] *[[Sathya Sai Baba]] *[[Erik Satie|Satie, Erik]] *[[Virginia Satir|Satir, Virginia]] *[[Marjane Satrapi|Satrapi, Marjane]] *[[Joe Satriani|Satriani, Joe]] *[[Riad Sattouf|Sattouf, Riad]] *[[Rakesh Satyal|Satyal, Rakesh]] *[[T S Satyan|Satyan, T S]] *[[Kailash Satyarthi|Satyarthi, Kailash]] *[[Fritz Sauckel|Sauckel, Fritz]] *[[Ibn Saud|Saud, Ibn]] *[[Andrew Saul|Saul, Andrew]] *[[John Ralston Saul|Saul, John Ralston]] *[[James Saurin|Saurin, James]] *[[Marcus du Sautoy|Sautoy, Marcus du]] *[[Augusta Savage|Savage, Augusta]] *[[Dan Savage|Savage, Dan]] *[[Michael Savage|Savage, Michael]] *[[Richard Savage|Savage, Richard]] *[[Marilyn vos Savant|Savant, Marilyn vos]] *[[Serge Savard|Savard, Serge]] *[[Vinayak Damodar Savarkar|Savarkar, Vinayak Damodar]] *[[George Savile, 1st Marquess of Halifax|Savile, George, 1st Marquess of Halifax]] *[[Mario Savio|Savio, Mario]] *[[Savitri Devi]] *[[Girolamo Savonarola|Savonarola, Girolamo]] *[[Kodo Sawaki|Sawaki, Kodo]] *[[Kshama Sawant|Sawant, Kshama]] *[[Diane Sawyer|Sawyer, Diane]] *[[Robert J. Sawyer|Sawyer, Robert J.]] *[[John Godfrey Saxe|Saxe, John Godfrey]] *[[Jean-Baptiste Say|Say, Jean-Baptiste]] *[[Dorothy L. Sayers|Sayers, Dorothy L.]] *[[Alexei Sayle|Sayle, Alexei]] ===Sca–Scho=== *[[Nicola Scafetta|Scafetta, Nicola]] *[[Antonin Scalia|Scalia, Antonin]] *[[Bethany Kennedy Scanlon|Scanlon, Bethany Kennedy]] *[[Arthur Scargill|Scargill, Arthur]] *[[Christopher Scarver|Scarver, Christopher]] *[[Günter Schabowski|Schabowski, Günter]] *[[Hjalmar Schacht|Schacht, Hjalmar]] *[[Edith Schaeffer|Schaeffer, Edith]] *[[Francis Schaeffer|Schaeffer, Francis]] *[[Pierre Schaeffer|Schaeffer, Pierre]] *[[Philip Schaff|Schaff, Philip]] *[[John Scalzi|Scalzi, John]] *[[Simon Schama|Schama, Simon]] *[[Vernon Scannell|Scannell, Vernon]] *[[Anthony Scaramucci|Scaramucci, Anthony]] *[[Domenico Scarlatti|Scarlatti, Domenico]] *[[Piero Scaruffi|Scaruffi, Piero]] *[[Gottfried Schatz|Schatz, Gottfried]] *[[Viktor Schauberger|Schauberger, Viktor]] *[[Arthur Leonard Schawlow|Schawlow, Arthur Leonard]] *[[August-Wilhelm Scheer|Scheer, August-Wilhelm]] *[[Scheherazade]] *[[Max Scheler|Scheler, Max]] *[[Jonathan Schell|Schell, Jonathan]] *[[Walter Schellenberg|Schellenberg, Walter]] *[[Friedrich Schelling|Schelling, Friedrich]] *[[Thomas Schelling|Schelling, Thomas]] *[[Heinrich Schenker|Schenker, Heinrich]] *[[Michael Scheuer|Scheuer, Michael]] *[[Giovanni Schiaparelli|Schiaparelli, Giovanni]] *[[Peter Schiff|Schiff, Peter]] *[[Claudia Schiffer|Schiffer, Claudia]] *[[Edward Schillebeeckx|Schillebeeckx, Edward]] *[[Friedrich Schiller|Schiller, Friedrich von]] *[[Herbert Schiller|Schiller, Herbert]] *[[Oskar Schindler|Schindler, Oskar]] *[[Karl Friedrich Schinkel|Schinkel, Karl Friedrich]] *[[Albert Schinz|Schinz, Albert]] *[[Baldur von Schirach|Schirach, Baldur von]] *[[Phyllis Schlafly|Schlafly, Phyllis]] *[[Friedrich Schlegel|Schlegel, Friedrich]] *[[Friedrich Schleiermacher|Schleiermacher, Friedrich]] *[[Arthur M. Schlesinger, Jr.|Schlesinger, Arthur M., Jr.]] *[[Burkard Schliessmann|Schliessmann, Burkard]] *[[Max Schmeling|Schmeling, Max]] *[[Mary Schmich|Schmich, Mary]] *[[Eric Schmidt|Schmidt, Eric]] *[[Helmut Schmidt|Schmidt, Helmut]] *[[Michael Schmidt (poet)|Schmidt, Michael]] (poet) *[[Paul Schmidt|Schmidt, Paul]] *[[Peter Schmidt (artist)|Schmidt, Peter]] (artist) *[[Karl Schmidt-Rottluff|Schmidt-Rottluff, Karl]] *[[Carl Schmitt|Schmitt, Carl]] *[[Roland W. Schmitt|Schmitt, Roland W.]] *[[John G. Schmitz|Schmitz, John G.]] *[[Artur Schnabel|Schnabel, Artur]] *[[Paul Schnabel|Schnabel, Paul]] *[[Eddie August Schneider|Schneider, Eddie August]] *[[H. W. Schneider|Schneider, H. W.]] *[[Ira Schneider|Schneider, Ira]] *[[Bruce Schneier|Schneier, Bruce]] *[[Gabriel Schoenfeld|Schoenfeld, Gabriel]] *[[Arnold Schoenberg|Schoenberg, Arnold]] *[[Evan Schoenberg|Schoenberg, Evan]] *[[Bobbejaan Schoepen|Schoepen, Bobbejaan]] *[[Nicolas Schöffer|Schöffer, Nicolas]] *[[Myron Scholes|Scholes, Myron]] *[[Paul Scholes|Scholes, Paul]] *[[Sophie Scholl|Scholl, Sophie]] *[[Ken Schoolland|Schoolland, Ken]] *[[Donald Schön|Schön, Donald]] *[[Arthur Schopenhauer|Schopenhauer, Arthur]] ===Schr–Scu=== *[[Peter W. Schramm|Schramm, Peter W.]] *[[Henry Schriver|Schriver, Henry]] *[[Ernst Schröder|Schröder, Ernst]] *[[Gerhard Schröder|Schröder, Gerhard]] *[[Karl Schroeder|Schroeder, Karl]] *[[Friedrich von Schrötter|Schrötter, Friedrich von]] *[[Erwin Schrödinger|Schrödinger, Erwin]] *[[Norm Schryer|Schryer, Norm]] *[[Franz Schubert|Schubert, Franz]] *[[Helen Schucman|Schucman, Helen]] *[[Dutch Schultz|Schultz, Dutch]] *[[Ed Schultz|Schultz, Ed]] *[[Theodore Schultz|Schultz, Theodore]] *[[Bruno Schulz|Schulz, Bruno]] *[[Charles M. Schulz|Schulz, Charles M.]] *[[E. F. Schumacher|Schumacher, E. F.]] *[[Michael Schumacher|Schumacher, Michael]] *[[Robert Schumann|Schumann, Robert]] *[[Joseph Schumpeter|Schumpeter, Joseph]] *[[Frithjof Schuon|Schuon, Frithjof]] *[[Carl Schurz|Schurz, Carl]] *[[Arthur Schuster|Schuster, Arthur]] *[[Brother Roger|Schutz, Roger]] see [[Brother Roger]] *[[Schwa (art)|Schwa]] (art) *[[Andrew Schwab|Schwab, Andrew]] *[[Anna Schwartz|Schwartz, Anna]] *[[Barry Schwartz|Schwartz, Barry]] *[[Delmore Schwartz|Schwartz, Delmore]] *[[Melvin Schwartz|Schwartz, Melvin]] *[[Stephen Schwartz|Schwartz, Stephen]] *[[Harry Schwarz|Schwarz, Harry]] *[[Blake Schwarzenbach|Schwarzenbach, Blake]] *[[Arnold Schwarzenegger|Schwarzenegger, Arnold]] *[[Norman Schwarzkopf, Jr.|Schwarzkopf, Norman, Jr.]] *[[Samanta Schweblin|Schweblin, Samanta]] *[[Albert Schweitzer|Schweitzer, Albert]] *[[Julian Schwinger|Schwinger, Julian]] *[[Kurt Schwitters|Schwitters, Kurt]] *[[Dennis Sciama|Sciama, Dennis]] *[[Céline Sciamma|Sciamma, Céline]] *[[Paul Scofield|Scofield, Paul]] *[[Martin Scorsese|Scorsese, Martin]] *[[Bon Scott|Scott, Bon]] *[[C. P. Scott|Scott, C. P.]] *[[Howard Scott|Scott, Howard]] *[[John Scott, 1st Earl of Eldon|Scott, John, 1st Earl of Eldon]] *[[Mike Scott (musician)|Scott, Mike]] *[[Rachel Scott|Scott, Rachel Joy]] *[[Ridley Scott|Scott, Ridley]] *[[Rion Amilcar Scott|Scott, Rion Amilcar]] *[[Robert Falcon Scott|Scott, Robert Falcon]] *[[Walter Scott|Scott, Walter]] *[[Winfield Scott|Scott, Winfield]] *[[Duns Scotus|Scotus, Duns]] *[[Alexander Scriabin|Scriabin, Alexander]] *[[Christian Scriver|Scriver, Christian]] *[[Roger Scruton|Scruton, Roger]] *[[Marlan Scully|Scully, Marlan]] *[[Matthew Scully|Scully, Matthew]] *[[Vin Scully|Scully, Vin]] *[[Vincent Scully|Scully, Vincent]] ===Sea–Sel=== *[[Glenn T. Seaborg|Seaborg, Glenn T.]] *[[Jeremy Seabrook|Seabrook, Jeremy]] *[[Sandra Seacat|Seacat, Sandra]] *[[Seal (musician)|Seal]] (musician) *[[Bobby Seale|Seale, Bobby]] *[[Barbara Seaman|Seaman, Barbara]] *[[Owen Seaman|Seaman, Owen]] *[[John Searle|Searle, John]] *[[Edmund Sears|Sears, Edmund]] *[[Francis Sears|Sears, Francis]] *[[Sandra Seaton|Seaton, Sandra]] *[[Chief Seattle]] *[[Harry Secombe|Secombe, Harry]] *[[Michel-Jean Sedaine|Sedaine, Michel-Jean]] *[[David Sedaris|Sedaris, David]] *[[Edie Sedgwick|Sedgwick, Edie]] *[[Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick|Sedgwick, Eve Kosofsky]] *[[John Sedgwick|Sedgwick, John]] *[[Charles Sedley|Sedley, Charles]] *[[Dieter Seebach|Seebach, Dieter]] *[[Richard Seed|Seed, Richard]] *[[Charles Seeger|Seeger, Charles]] *[[Pete Seeger|Seeger, Pete]] *[[Julius Hawley Seelye|Seelye, Julius Hawley]] *[[Andrew Sega|Sega, Andrew]] *[[Erich Segal|Segal, Erich]] *[[Bob Seger|Seger, Bob]] *[[Sei Shōnagon|Sei Shōnagon]] *[[Jaroslav Seifert|Seifert, Jaroslav]] *[[John Seigenthaler Sr.|Seigenthaler, John]] *[[Jerry Seinfeld|Seinfeld, Jerry]] *[[Frederick Seitz|Seitz, Frederick]] *[[Mobutu Sésé Seko|Seko, Mobutu Sésé]] *[[Haile Selassie|Selassie, Haile I, of Ethiopia]] *[[John Selden|Selden, John]] *[[George Seldes|Seldes, George]] *[[Will Self|Self, Will]] *[[Bud Selig|Selig, Bud]] *[[Meša Selimović|Selimović, Meša]] *[[Peter Sellars|Sellars, Peter]] *[[Tom Selleck|Selleck, Tom]] *[[Peter Sellers|Sellers, Peter]] *[[Sean Sellers|Sellers, Sean]] *[[Reinhard Selten|Selten, Reinhard]] *[[Sarah Seltzer|Seltzer, Sarah]] *[[Sam Selvon|Selvon, Sam]] ===Sen–Sey=== *[[Keshub Chunder Sen|Sen, Keshub Chunder]] *[[Amartya Sen|Sen, Amartya]] *[[Maurice Sendak|Sendak, Maurice]] *[[Irena Sendler|Sendler, Irena]] *[[Seneca the Elder]] *[[Seneca the Younger]] *[[Peter Senge|Senge, Peter]] *[[Jona Senilagakali|Senilagakali, Jona]] *[[John Senior|Senior, John]] *[[Ayrton Senna|Senna, Ayrton]] *[[Sennacherib]] *[[Senthil]] *[[Septimius Severus|Severus, Septimius]] *[[Ismail Serageldin|Serageldin, Ismail]] *[[Seraphim of Sarov]] *[[Serfoji II of Thanjavur]] *[[Victor Serge|Serge, Victor]] *[[Rod Serling|Serling, Rod]] *[[Nicholas Serota|Serota, Nicholas]] *[[Namwali Serpell|Serpell, Namwali]] *[[Richard Serra|Serra, Richard]] *[[Ian Serraillier|Serraillier, Ian]] *[[Michele Serros|Serros, Michele]] *[[Michael Servetus|Servetus, Michael]] *[[Robert Service|Service, Robert]] *[[Roy Sesana|Sesana, Roy]] *[[Jeff Sessions|Sessions, Jeff]] *[[Vikram Seth|Seth, Vikram]] *[[Michel Seuphor|Seuphor, Michel]] *[[Dr. Seuss|Seuss, Dr.]] *[[Gino Severini|Severini, Gino]] *[[Marie de Rabutin-Chantal, marquise de Sévigné|Sévigné, Marie de Rabutin-Chantal, Marquise de]] *[[Chloë Sevigny|Sevigny, Chloë]] *[[Harriet Winslow Sewall|Sewall, Harriet Winslow]] *[[Jonathan M. Sewall|Sewall, Jonathan M.]] *[[William H. Seward|Seward, William H.]] *[[George Sewell|Sewell, George]] *[[Anne Sexton|Sexton, Anne]] *[[Sextus Propertius]] *[[Ed Seykota|Seykota, Ed]] *[[Jane Seymour|Seymour, Jane]] (actress) *[[Arthur Seyss-Inquart|Seyss-Inquart, Arthur]] ===Sha=== *[[Michael Shaara|Shaara, Michael]] *[[Max Shachtman|Shachtman, Max]] *[[Ernest Shackleton|Shackleton, Ernest]] *[[Tim Shadbolt|Shadbolt, Tim]] *[[John Shadegg|Shadegg, John]] *[[DJ Shadow|Shadow, DJ]] *[[Thomas Shadwell|Shadwell, Thomas]] *[[Tom Shadyac|Shadyac, Tom]] *[[Elif Shafak|Shafak, Elif]] *[[Peter Shaffer|Shaffer, Peter]] *[[Amit Shah|Shah, Amit]] *[[Nader Shah|Shah, Nader]] *[[Owais Shah|Shah, Owais]] *[[Rezā Shāh|Shāh, Rezā]] *[[Jennifer Shahade|Shahade, Jennifer]] *[[Israel Shahak|Shahak, Israel]] *[[Liu Shahe|Shahe, Liu]] *[[Jeanne Shaheen|Shaheen, Jeanne]] *[[Hashemi Shahroudi|Shahroudi, Hashemi]] *[[Merle Shain|Shain, Merle]] *[[John Campbell Shairp|Shairp, John Campbell]] *[[William Shakespeare|Shakespeare, William]] *[[Shakira]] *[[Assata Shakur|Shakur, Assata]] *[[Tupac Shakur|Shakur, Tupac]] *[[Yitzhak Shamir|Shamir, Yitzhak]] *[[Shammai]] *[[Kamila Shamsie|Shamsie, Kamila]] *[[Ntozake Shange|Shange, Ntozake]] *[[Ravi Shankar|Shankar, Ravi]] (sitarist) *[[Ravi Shankar (spiritual leader)|Shankar, Sri Sri Ravi]] (spiritual leader) *[[Adi Shankara|Shankara, Adi]] *[[Bill Shankly|Shankly, Bill]] *[[Claude Elwood Shannon|Shannon, Claude Elwood]] *[[Molly Shannon|Shannon, Molly]] *[[Shantideva]] *[[Yuan Shao|Shao, Yuan]] *[[Ian Shapiro|Shapiro, Ian]] *[[Karl Shapiro|Shapiro, Karl]] *[[Natan Sharansky|Sharansky, Natan]] *[[Ali Shariati|Shariati, Ali]] *[[Hossein Shariatmadari|Shariatmadari, Hossein]] *[[Helen Sharman|Sharman, Helen]] *[[Ariel Sharon|Sharon, Ariel]] *[[Granville Sharp|Sharp, Granville]] *[[William Sharp (writer)‎|Sharp, William]] (also known as Fiona MacLeod or McLeod) *[[Willoughby Sharp|Sharp, Willoughby]] *[[Shannon Sharpe|Sharpe, Shannon]] *[[K. Barry Sharpless|Sharpless, K. Barry]] *[[Al Sharpton|Sharpton, Al]] *[[William Shatner|Shatner, William]] *[[Nina Shatskaya|Shatskaya, Nina]] *[[Artie Shaw|Shaw, Artie]] *[[George Bernard Shaw|Shaw, George Bernard]] *[[Roy Shaw|Shaw, Roy]] *[[Scott Shaw|Shaw, Scott]] *[[Hartley Shawcross, Baron Shawcross|Shawcross, Hartley, Baron Shawcross]] *[[Chris Shays|Shays, Chris]] ===She–Shw=== *[[Robert Sheckley|Sheckley, Robert]] *[[John Augustus Shedd|Shedd, John Augustus]] *[[William Greenough Thayer Shedd|Shedd, William Greenough Thayer]] *[[Wilfrid Sheed|Sheed, Wilfrid]] *[[Cindy Sheehan|Sheehan, Cindy]] *[[Ma Anand Sheela|Sheela, Ma Anand]] *[[Charlie Sheen|Sheen, Charlie]] *[[Fulton J. Sheen|Sheen, Fulton J.]] *[[Martin Sheen|Sheen, Martin]] *[[Michael Sheen|Sheen, Michael]] *[[Ed Sheeran|Sheeran, Ed]] *[[Josette Sheeran|Sheeran, Josette]] *[[John Sheffield, 1st Duke of Buckingham and Normanby|Sheffield, John, 1st Duke of Buckingham and Normanby]] *[[Ahmed Sheikh|Sheikh, Ahmed]] *[[Ali Mohamed Shein|Shein, Ali Mohamed]] *[[Judith Sheindlin|Sheindlin, Judith]] *[[Chandra Shekhar|Shekhar, Chandra]] *[[Mary Shelley|Shelley, Mary Wollstonecraft]] *[[Percy Bysshe Shelley|Shelley, Percy Bysshe]] *[[George Shelvocke|Shelvocke, George]] *[[Stephen Shen|Shen, Stephen]] *[[William Shenstone|Shenstone, William]] *[[Alan Shepard|Shepard, Alan]] *[[Lawrence Shepp|Shepp, Lawrence]] *[[Kate Sheppard|Sheppard, Kate]] *[[Mallika Sherawat|Sherawat, Mallika]] *[[Amrita Sher-Gil|Sher-Gil, Amrita]] *[[Philip Sheridan|Sheridan, Philip]] *[[Richard Brinsley Sheridan|Sheridan, Richard Brinsley]] *[[Allan Sherman|Sherman, Allan]] *[[Forrest Sherman|Sherman, Forrest]] *[[Richard Sherman (American football)|Sherman, Richard Kevin]] *[[Robert B. Sherman|Sherman, Robert B.]] *[[William Tecumseh Sherman|Sherman, William Tecumseh]] *[[Amy Sherman-Palladino|Sherman-Palladino, Amy]] *[[Michael Shermer|Shermer, Michael]] *[[Charles Scott Sherrington|Sherrington, Charles Scott]] *[[Fred Shero|Shero, Fred]] *[[H.V. Sheshadri|Sheshadri, H.V.]] *[[Salil Shetty|Shetty, Salil]] *[[Eduard Shevardnadze|Shevardnadze, Eduard]] *[[Andriy Shevchenko|Shevchenko, Andriy]] *[[Taras Shevchenko|Shevchenko, Taras]] *[[Walter A. Shewhart|Shewhart, Walter A.]] *[[Sheng Shicai|Shicai, Sheng]] *[[Masaoka Shiki|Shiki, Masaoka]] *[[Murasaki Shikibu|Shikibu, Murasaki]] *[[Yoko Shimomura|Shimomura, Yoko]] *[[Kyung-sook Shin|Shin, Kyung-sook]] *[[Thaksin Shinawatra|Shinawatra, Thaksin]] *[[Anna Shipton|Shipton, Anna]] *[[Warsan Shire|Shire, Warsan]] *[[Florence Scovel Shinn|Shinn, Florence Scovel]] *[[Mike Shinoda|Shinoda, Mike]] *[[Eric Shinseki|Shinseki, Eric]] *[[Rick Shiomi|Shiomi, Rick]] *[[Eric Shipton|Shipton, Eric]] *[[Toshio Shiratori|Shiratori, Toshio]] *[[Sai Baba of Shirdi|Shirdi, Sai Baba of]] *[[William L. Shirer|Shirer, William L.]] *[[Clay Shirky|Shirky, Clay]] *[[James Shirley|Shirley, James]] *[[Vandana Shiva|Shiva, Vandana]] *[[Sally Shlaer|Shlaer, Sally]] *[[John Shoch|Shoch, John]] *[[William Shockley|Shockley, William]] *[[Yoshida Shoin|Shoin, Yoshida]] *[[Mikhail Sholokhov|Sholokhov, Mikhail]] *[[Shingai Shoniwa|Shoniwa, Shingai]] *[[Dinah Shore|Shore, Dinah]] *[[Clare Short|Short, Clare]] *[[Martin Short|Short, Martin]] *[[Nigel Short|Short, Nigel]] *[[Joseph Henry Shorthouse|Shorthouse, Joseph Henry]] *[[Dmitri Shostakovich|Shostakovich, Dmitri]] *[[Arun Shourie|Shourie, Arun]] *[[Eunice Kennedy Shriver|Shriver, Eunice Kennedy]] *[[Chen Shui-bian|Shui-bian, Chen]] *[[George Shultz|Shultz, George]] *[[David Shuster|Shuster, David]] *[[Nevil Shute|Shute, Nevil]] *[[Steve Shutt|Shutt, Steve]] *[[Mark Shuttleworth|Shuttleworth, Mark]] *[[Than Shwe|Shwe, Than]] *[[Richard Shweder|Shweder, Richard]] ===Si=== *[[Jean Sibelius|Sibelius, Jean]] *[[Diodorus Siculus|Siculus, Diodorus]] *[[Navjot Singh Sidhu|Sidhu, Navjot Singh]] *[[Boris Sidis|Sidis, Boris]] *[[Philip Sidney|Sidney, Philip]] *[[Sidonius Apollinaris]] *[[Don Siegel|Siegel, Don]] *[[Jerry Siegel|Siegel, Jerry]] *[[Lee Siegel|Siegel, Lee]] *[[Catherine of Siena|Siena, Catherine of]] *[[Henryk Sienkiewicz|Sienkiewicz, Henryk]] *[[Emmanuel-Joseph Sieyès|Sieyès, Emmanuel-Joseph]] *[[Scott Sigler|Sigler, Scott Carl]] *[[Lydia Sigourney|Sigourney, Lydia]] *[[Martti Siirala|Siirala, Martti]] *[[Wladyslaw Sikorski|Sikorski, Wladyslaw]] *[[Haris Silajdžić|Silajdžić, Haris]] *[[William the Silent|Silent, William the]] *[[Angelus Silesius|Silesius, Angelus]] *[[Joseph Silk|Silk, Joseph]] *[[Stirling Silliphant|Silliphant, Stirling]] *[[Alan Sillitoe|Sillitoe, Alan]] *[[Beverly Sills|Sills, Beverly]] *[[Ignazio Silone|Silone, Ignazio]] *[[Desmond de Silva|Silva, Desmond de]] *[[Marina Silva|Silva, Marina]] *[[Thiago Silva|Silva, Thiago]] *[[Nate Silver|Silver, Nathaniel Read "Nate"]] *[[Adam Silvera|Silvera, Adam]] *[[Robert Silverberg|Silverberg, Robert]] *[[David Silverman|Silverman, David]] *[[Sarah Silverman|Silverman, Sarah]] *[[Shel Silverstein|Silverstein, Shel]] *[[Alicia Silverstone|Silverstone, Alicia]] *[[Dave Sim|Sim, Dave]] *[[Clifford D. Simak|Simak, Clifford D.]] *[[Georges Simenon|Simenon, Georges]] *[[Charles Simic|Simic, Charles]] *[[Michael Simms (software developer)|Simms, Michael]] (software developer) *[[DMX (rapper)|Simmons, Earl]] *[[Gene Simmons|Simmons, Gene]] *[[Jamal Simmons|Simmons, Jamal]] *[[Jean Simmons|Simmons, Jean]] *[[Carly Simon|Simon, Carly]] *[[Gilles Simon|Simon, Gilles]] *[[Herbert Simon|Simon, Herbert]] *[[Julian Simon|Simon, Julian]] *[[Neil Simon|Simon, Neil]] *[[Paul Simon|Simon, Paul]] *[[S. J. Simon|Simon, S. J.]] *[[Gilbert Simondon|Simondon, Gilbert]] *[[Simonides of Ceos]] *[[Paul Simonon|Simonon, Paul]] *[[Menno Simons|Simons, Menno]] *[[Paullina Simons|Simons, Paullina]] *[[Alan K. Simpson|Simpson, Alan K.]] *[[Ashlee Simpson|Simpson, Ashlee]] *[[Jessica Simpson|Simpson, Jessica]] *[[Louis Simpson|Simpson, Louis]] *[[Matthew Simpson|Simpson, Matthew]] *[[George Robert Sims|Sims, George Robert]] *[[Frank Sinatra|Sinatra, Frank]] *[[Marion Sinclair|Sinclair, Marion]] *[[Upton Sinclair|Sinclair, Upton]] *[[Isaac Bashevis Singer|Singer, Isaac Bashevis]] *[[Margaret Singer|Singer, Margaret]] *[[Peter Singer|Singer, Peter]] *[[Ajaib Singh|Singh, Ajaib]] *[[Bhagat Singh|Singh, Bhagat]] *[[Jeev Milkha Singh|Singh, Jeev Milkha]] *[[Khushwant Singh|Singh, Khushwant]] *[[Manmohan Singh|Singh, Manmohan]] *[[Pratap Singh|Singh, Raman Pratap]] *[[Simon Singh|Singh, Simon]] *[[Vijay R. Singh|Singh, Sir Vijay]] *[[Alfred Percy Sinnett|Sinnett, Alfred Percy]] *[[Jean Sirmond|Sirmond, Jean]] *[[Ali Sistani|Sistani, Ali]] *[[Kano Sisters|Sisters, Kano]] *[[Edith Sitwell|Sitwell, Edith]] *[[Osbert Sitwell|Sitwell, Osbert]] *[[Swami Sivananda|Sivananda, Swami]] *[[Pope Sixtus I|Sixtus I (pope)]] *[[Pope Sixtus V|Sixtus V (pope)]] *[[Ted Sizer|Sizer, Ted]] ===Sj–Sm=== *[[John Skelton|Skelton, John]] *[[B. F. Skinner|Skinner, B. F.]] *[[Dennis Skinner|Skinner, Dennis]] *[[Otto Skorzeny|Skorzeny, Otto]] *[[Slash (musician)|Slash]] (musician) *[[John C. Slater|Slater, John C.]] *[[Nigel Slater|Slater, Nigel]] *[[Leo Slezak|Slezak, Leo]] *[[Grace Slick|Slick, Grace]] *[[John Sloan|Sloan, John]] *[[Joan Slonczewski|Slonczewski, Joan]] *[[Mark Slouka|Slouka, Mark]] *[[Adrian Slywotzky|Slywotzky, Adrian]] *[[Richard Smalley|Smalley, Richard]] *[[Christopher Smart|Smart, Christopher]] *[[Samuel Smiles|Smiles, Samuel]] *[[Adam Smith|Smith, Adam]] *[[Alexander McCall Smith|Smith, Alexander McCall]] *[[Alexander Smith|Smith, Alexander]] *[[Anna Deavere Smith|Smith, Anna Deavere]] *[[Anna Nicole Smith|Smith, Anna Nicole]] *[[Anthony D. Smith|Smith, Anthony D.]] *[[Danez Smith|Smith, Danez]] *[[David Smith|Smith, David]] *[[E. E. Smith|Smith, E. E.]] *[[Elliott Smith|Smith, Elliott]] *[[Emmitt Smith|Smith, Emmitt]] *[[F. E. Smith, 1st Earl of Birkenhead|Smith, F. E., 1st Earl of Birkenhead]] *[[George Albert Smith|Smith, George Albert]] *[[Gordon Smith|Smith, Gordon]] *[[Henry John Stephen Smith|Smith, Henry John Stephen]] *[[Horace Smith|Smith, Horace]] *[[Huston Smith|Smith, Huston]] *[[Ian Smith|Smith, Ian]] *[[James Smith|Smith, James]] *[[Joan Smith|Smith, Joan]] *[[John Maynard Smith|Smith, John Maynard]] *[[John Smith (explorer)|Smith, John]] (explorer) *[[John Smith (Labour Party leader)|Smith, John]] (Labour Party leader) *[[Joseph F. Smith|Smith, Joseph F.]] *[[Joseph Smith, Jr.|Smith, Joseph, Jr.]] *[[Kevin Smith|Smith, Kevin]] *[[L. Neil Smith|Smith, L. Neil]] *[[Langdon Smith|Smith, Langdon]] *[[Leighton W. Smith, Jr.|Smith, Leighton W., Jr.]] *[[Lillian Smith (author)|Smith, Lillian]] (author) *[[Linda Smith|Smith, Linda]] *[[Logan Pearsall Smith|Smith, Logan Pearsall]] *[[Lucy Mack Smith|Smith, Lucy Mack]] *[[Margaret Chase Smith|Smith, Margaret Chase]] *[[Matt Smith (actor)|Smith, Matt]] (actor) *[[Michael B. Smith|Smith, Michael B.]] *[[Michael Marshall Smith|Smith, Michael Marshall]] *[[Oliver P. Smith|Smith, Oliver P.]] *[[Patti Smith|Smith, Patti]] *[[Paul Smith (musician)|Smith, Paul]] *[[Robert Smith (musician)|Smith, Robert]] *[[Roger Smith (executive)|Smith, Roger]] (executive) *[[Samuel Francis Smith|Smith, Samuel Francis]] *[[Seba Smith|Smith, Seba]] *[[Shepard Smith|Smith, David Shepard, Jr.]] *[[Sherwood Smith|Smith, Sherwood]] *[[Stephen A. Smith|Smith, Stephen A.]] *[[Stevie Smith|Smith, Stevie]] *[[Sydney Smith|Smith, Sydney]] *[[Tammy Smith|Smith, Tammy]] *[[Tommy Smith (footballer born 1945)|Smith, Tommy]] *[[Vernon L. Smith|Smith, Vernon L.]] *[[Will Smith|Smith, Will]] *[[Zadie Smith|Smith, Zadie]] *[[Robert Smithson|Smithson, Robert]] *[[Jimmy Smits|Smits, Jimmy]] *[[Tobias Smollett|Smollett, Tobias]] *[[George Smoot|Smoot, George]] *[[Raymond Smullyan|Smullyan, Raymond]] *[[Jan Smuts|Smuts, Jan Christiaan]] ===Sn–So=== *[[John Snaith|Snaith, John]] *[[Jan L. A. van de Snepscheut|Snepscheut, Jan L. A. van de]] *[[Todd Snider|Snider, Todd]] *[[Snoop Dogg]] (Calvin Cordozar Broadus) *[[C. P. Snow|Snow, C. P.]] *[[Lorenzo Snow|Snow, Lorenzo]] *[[Tony Snow|Snow, Tony]] *[[Edward Snowden|Snowden, Edward]] *[[Philip Snowden, 1st Viscount Snowden|Snowden, Philip, 1st Viscount Snowden]] *[[Olympia Snowe|Snowe, Olympia]] *[[Gary Snyder|Snyder, Gary]] *[[Maria V. Snyder|Syder, Maria V.]] *[[Socrates]] *[[Frederick Soddy|Soddy, Frederick]] *[[Antonio Simeone Sografi|Sografi, Antonio Simeone]] *[[Ithiel de Sola Pool|Sola Pool, Ithiel de]] *[[Valerie Solanas|Solanas, Valerie]] *[[Hilda Solis|Solis, Hilda]] *[[Octavio Solis|Solis, Octavio]] *[[Philippe Sollers|Sollers, Philippe]] *[[Hope Solo|Solo, Hope Amelia]] *[[Solomon]] *[[Rivers Solomon|Solomon, Rivers]] *[[Solon]] *[[Simon Soloveychik|Soloveychik, Simon]] *[[Robert Solow|Solow, Robert]] *[[Georg Solti|Solti, Sir Georg]] *[[Ernest Solvay|Solvay, Ernest]] *[[Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn|Solzhenitsyn, Aleksandr]] *[[Nicolaus Sombart|Sombart, Nicolaus]] *[[Werner Sombart|Sombart, Werner]] *[[William Somervile|Somervile, William]] *[[Arnold Sommerfeld|Sommerfeld, Arnold]] *[[Stephen Sondheim|Sondheim, Stephen]] *[[Susan Sontag|Sontag, Susan]] *[[Sophocles]] *[[Kaikhosru Shapurji Sorabji|Sorabji, Kaikhosru Shapurji]] *[[Annika Sörenstam‎|Sörenstam‎, Annika]] *[[Aaron Sorkin|Sorkin, Aaron]] *[[Pitirim Sorokin|Sorokin, Pitirim]] *[[George Soros|Soros, George]] *[[Natsume Soseki|Soseki, Natsume]] *[[Gary Soto|Soto, Gary]] *[[Jesús Huerta de Soto|Soto, Jesús Huerta de]] *[[Sonia Sotomayor|Sotomayor, Sonia]] *[[Ahdaf Soueif|Soueif, Ahdaf]] *[[Pierre Soulages|Soulages, Pierre]] *[[Jeremy Soule|Soule, Jeremy]] *[[Sister Souljah|Souljah, Sister]] *[[Aristides de Sousa Mendes|Sousa Mendes, Aristides de]] *[[William Soutar|Soutar,William]] *[[Brian Souter|Souter, Brian]] *[[Robert South|South, Robert]] *[[Thomas Southerne|Southerne, Thomas]] *[[Robert Southey|Southey, Robert]] *[[Robert Southwell|Southwell, Robert]] *[[Bruno de Souza|Souza, Bruno de]] *[[Thomas Sowell|Sowell, Thomas]] *[[Raphael Soyer|Soyer, Raphael]] *[[Wole Soyinka|Soyinka, Wole]] *[[Harry E. Soyster|Soyster, Harry E.]] ===Sp–Sr=== *[[Paul-Henri Spaak|Spaak, Paul-Henri]] *[[Kevin Spacey|Spacey, Kevin]] *[[David Spade|Spade, David]] *[[James Spader|Spader, James]] *[[Gene Spafford|Spafford, Gene]] *[[Esperanza Spalding|Spalding, Esperanza]] *[[John Lancaster Spalding|Spalding, John Lancaster]] *[[Max Sparber|Sparber, Max]] *[[Muriel Spark|Spark, Muriel]] *[[Jordin Sparks|Sparks, Jordin]] *[[Theresa Sparks|Sparks, Theresa]] *[[Elbridge G. Spaulding|Spaulding, Elbridge Gerry]] *[[Britney Spears|Spears, Britney]] *[[Arlen Specter|Specter, Arlen]] *[[Albert Speer|Speer, Albert]] *[[Jackie Speier|Speier, Jackie]] *[[Regina Spektor|Spektor, Regina]] *[[E. Lee Spence|Spence, E. Lee]] *[[Gerry Spence|Spence, Gerry]] *[[Herbert Spencer|Spencer, Herbert]] *[[Ichabod Spencer|Spencer, Ichabod]] *[[Robert Spencer|Spencer, Robert]] *[[Roy Spencer|Spencer, Roy]] *[[Stanley Spencer|Spencer, Stanley]] *[[William Robert Spencer|Spencer, William Robert]] *[[G. Spencer-Brown|Spencer-Brown, G.]] *[[Stephen Spender|Spender, Stephen]] *[[Oswald Spengler|Spengler, Oswald]] *[[Edmund Spenser|Spenser, Edmund]] *[[Sy Sperling|Sperling, Sy]] *[[Roger Wolcott Sperry|Sperry, Roger Wolcott]] *[[Art Spiegelman|Spiegelman, Art]] *[[Steven Spielberg|Spielberg, Steven]] *[[Mickey Spillane|Spillane, Mickey]] *[[Jerry Spinelli|Spinelli, Jerry]] *[[Baruch Spinoza|Spinoza, Baruch]] *[[African Spir|Spir, African]] *[[Eliot Spitzer|Spitzer, Eliot]] *[[Benjamin Spock|Spock, Benjamin]] *[[Harriet Elizabeth Prescott Spofford|Spofford, Harriet Elizabeth Prescott]] *[[Viola Spolin|Spolin, Viola]] *[[Joel Spolsky|Spolsky, Joel]] *[[Lysander Spooner|Spooner, Lysander]] *[[Charles Sprague|Sprague, Charles]] *[[Gardiner Spring|Spring, Gardiner]] *[[Jerry Springer|Springer, Jerry]] *[[Tom Springfield|Springfield, Tom]] *[[Bruce Springsteen|Springsteen, Bruce]] *[[Charles Spurgeon|Spurgeon, Charles Haddon]] *[[Khanoda Squillace|Squillace, Khanoda]] *[[J. C. Squire|Squire, Sir John]] ===St–Sta=== *[[Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke|St John, Henry, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke]] *[[Dana Stabenow|Stabenow, Dana]] *[[Walt Stack|Stack, Walt]] *[[Michael A. Stackpole|Stackpole, Michael A.]] *[[Joseph Stalin|Stalin, Joseph]] *[[Richard Stallman|Stallman, Richard M.]] *[[Sylvester Stallone|Stallone, Sylvester]] *[[Aleksandar Stamboliyski|Stamboliyski, Aleksandar]] *[[Theodoros Stamos|Stamos, Theodoros]] *[[Jill Stanek|Stanek, Jill]] *[[Jim Stanford|Stanford, Jim]] *[[Franz Stangl|Stangl, Franz]] *[[Doug Stanhope|Stanhope, Doug]] *[[Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl of Chesterfield|Stanhope, Philip, 4th Earl of Chesterfield]] *[[John A. Stankovic|Stankovic, John A.]] *[[Arthur Penrhyn Stanley|Stanley, Arthur Penrhyn]] *[[Henry Morton Stanley|Stanley, Henry Morton]] *[[Vivian Stanshall|Stanshall, Vivian]] *[[Benjamin Stanton|Stanton, Benjamin]] *[[Charles E. Stanton|Stanton, Charles E.]] *[[Edwin M. Stanton|Stanton, Edwin McMasters]] *[[Elizabeth Cady Stanton|Stanton, Elizabeth Cady]] *[[Harry Dean Stanton|Stanton, Harry Dean]] *[[Barbara Stanwyck|Stanwyck, Barbara]] *[[Olaf Stapledon|Stapledon, Olaf]] *[[John Stapp|Stapp, John]] *[[Mazzy Star|Star, Mazzy]] *[[Achille Starace|Starace, Achille]] *[[Starhawk]] *[[Becky Stark|Stark, Becky]] *[[Freya Stark|Stark, Freya]] *[[Pete Stark|Stark, Pete]] *[[Jim Starlin|Starlin, Jim]] *[[Szymon Starowolski|Starowolski, Szymon]] *[[Earnest V. Starr|Starr, Earnest V.]] *[[Ringo Starr|Starr, Ringo]] *[[Vincent Starrett|Starrett, Vincent]] *[[Statius]] ===Ste=== *[[Ralph Steadman|Steadman, Ralph]] *[[Susan Stebbing|Stebbing, Susan]] *[[G. Ledyard Stebbins|Stebbins, G. Ledyard]] *[[Edmund Clarence Stedman|Stedman, Edmund Clarence]] *[[Doctor Steel|Steel, Doctor]] *[[Anne Steele|Steele, Anne]] *[[Peter Steele|Steele, Peter]] *[[Richard Steele|Steele, Richard]] *[[Shelby Steele|Steele, Shelby]] *[[Stefán Karl Stefánsson|Stefánsson, Stefán Karl]] *[[Alex Steffen|Steffen, Alex]] *[[Wallace Stegner|Stegner, Wallace]] *[[Edward Steichen|Steichen, Edward]] *[[Abby Stein|Stein, Abby]] *[[Ben Stein|Stein, Ben]] *[[Clarence Stein|Stein, Clarence]] *[[Edith Stein|Stein, Edith]] *[[Gertrude Stein|Stein, Gertrude]] *[[Herbert Stein|Stein, Herbert]] *[[Jock Stein|Stein, Jock]] *[[John Steinbeck|Steinbeck, John]] *[[Jack Steinberger|Steinberger, Jack]] *[[Gloria Steinem|Steinem, Gloria]] *[[Achim Steiner|Steiner, Achim]] *[[George Steiner|Steiner, George]] *[[Rudolf Steiner|Steiner, Rudolf]] *[[Jim Steinman|Steinman, Jim]] *[[Charles Proteus Steinmetz|Steinmetz, Charles Proteus]] *[[Wilhelm Stekel|Stekel, Wilhelm]] *[[Frank Stella|Stella, Frank]] *[[Joseph Stella|Stella, Joseph]] *[[Irwin Stelzer|Stelzer, Irwin]] *[[Stendhal]] *[[Casey Stengel|Stengel, Casey]] *[[Alexander Stepanov|Stepanov, Alexander]] *[[George Stephanopoulos|Stephanopoulos, George]] *[[James Fitzjames Stephen|Stephen, James Fitzjames]] *[[James Kenneth Stephen|Stephen, James Kenneth]] *[[Leslie Stephen|Stephen, Leslie]] *[[Alexander H. Stephens|Stephens, Alexander Hamilton]] *[[Bret Stephens|Stephens, Bret Louis]] *[[James Stephens (author)|Stephens, James]] (author) *[[James Francis Stephens|Stephens, James Francis]] *[[George Stephenson|Stephenson, George]] *[[Neal Stephenson|Stephenson, Neal]] *[[Bruce Sterling|Sterling, Bruce]] *[[Gladys Bronwyn Stern|Stern, Gladys Bronwyn]] *[[Howard Stern|Stern, Howard]] *[[Nicholas Stern, Baron Stern of Brentford|Stern, Nicholas, Baron Stern of Brentford]] *[[Otto Stern|Stern, Otto]] *[[Laurence Sterne|Sterne, Laurence]] *[[Thomas Sternhold|Sternhold, Thomas]] *[[Edward R. Stettinius|Stettinius, Edward R.]] *[[Preston and Steve|Steve, Preston and]] *[[Cat Stevens|Stevens, Cat]] *[[John Paul Stevens|Stevens, John Paul]] *[[Jose Stevens|Stevens, Jose]] *[[Michael Stevens|Stevens, Michael]] *[[Sufjan Stevens|Stevens, Sufjan]] *[[Ted Stevens|Stevens, Ted]] *[[Thaddeus Stevens|Stevens, Thaddeus]] *[[Wallace Stevens|Stevens, Wallace]] *[[Adlai Stevenson|Stevenson, Adlai]] *[[Ian Stevenson|Stevenson, Ian]] *[[Robert Louis Stevenson|Stevenson, Robert Louis]] *[[William Stevenson|Stevenson, William]] *[[Jimmy Stewart|Stewart, James (Jimmy)]] *[[Jon Stewart|Stewart, Jon]] *[[Kristen Stewart|Stewart, Kristen]] *[[Martha Stewart|Stewart, Martha]] *[[Mary Stewart|Stewart, Mary]] *[[Potter Stewart|Stewart, Potter]] *[[Steve Stewart-Williams|Stewart-Williams, Steve]] *[[Mark Steyn|Steyn, Mark]] ===Sti–Sty=== *[[Joseph E. Stiglitz|Stiglitz, Joseph E.]] *[[Julia Stiles|Stiles, Julia]] *[[Clyfford Still|Still, Clyfford]] *[[Ben Stiller|Stiller, Ben]] *[[Jeff Stilson|Stilson, Jeff]] *[[Henry L. Stimson|Stimson, Henry L.]] *[[R. L. Stine|Stine, R. L.]] *[[Sting (musician)|Sting]] (musician) *[[S. M. Stirling|Stirling, S. M.]] *[[Max Stirner|Stirner, Max]] *[[Dal Stivens|Stivens, Dal]] *[[Karlheinz Stockhausen|Stockhausen, Karlheinz]] *[[John Stockwell|Stockwell, John]] *[[Richard Henry Stoddard|Stoddard, Richard Henry]] *[[Bram Stoker|Stoker, Bram]] *[[Sir George Stokes, 1st Baronet|Stokes, Sir George, 1st Baronet]] *[[Leopold Stokowski|Stokowski, Leopold]] *[[Jens Stoltenberg|Stoltenberg, Jens]] *[[Pyotr Stolypin|Stolypin, Pyotr]] *[[Harlan F. Stone|Stone, Harlan F.]] *[[I. F. Stone|Stone, I. F.]] *[[Lucy Stone|Stone, Lucy]] *[[Nic Stone|Stone, Nic]] *[[Oliver Stone|Stone, Oliver]] *[[Sharon Stone|Stone, Sharon]] *[[W. Clement Stone|Stone, W. Clement]] *[[William Stone (Maryland governor)|Stone, William]] (Maryland governor) *[[Tom Stoppard|Stoppard, Tom]] *[[Horst Ludwig Störmer|Störmer, Horst Ludwig]] *[[Richard Salter Storrs|Storrs, Richard Salter]] *[[Joseph Story|Story, Joseph]] *[[William Wetmore Story|Story, William Wetmore]] *[[John Stossel|Stossel, John]] *[[William Stoughton|Stoughton, William]] *[[Rex Stout|Stout, Rex]] *[[David Stove|Stove, David]] *[[Jessica Mae Stover|Stover, Jessica Mae]] *[[Matthew Stover|Stover, Matthew]] *[[Harriet Beecher Stowe|Stowe, Harriet Beecher]] *[[Madeleine Stowe|Stowe, Madeleine]] *[[William Scott, 1st Baron Stowell|Stowell, William Scott, 1st Baron]] *[[Strabo]] *[[Lytton Strachey|Strachey, Lytton]] *[[J. Michael Straczynski|Straczynski, J. Michael]] *[[Lynn Strait|Strait, Lynn]] *[[Gregor Strasser|Strasser, Gregor]] *[[Julio Carlos Strassera|Strassera, Julio Carlos]] *[[Tony Banks|Stratford, Lord]] (Tony Banks) *[[Avner Strauss|Strauss, Avner]] *[[Leo Strauss|Strauss, Leo]] *[[Neil Strauss|Strauss, Neil]] *[[Richard Strauss|Strauss, Richard]] *[[Igor Stravinsky|Stravinsky, Igor]] *[[John F. Street|Street, John F.]] *[[Arthur Streeton|Streeton, Arthur]] *[[Julius Streicher|Streicher, Julius]] *[[Barbra Streisand|Streisand, Barbra]] *[[Whitley Strieber|Strieber, Whitley]] *[[Tami Stronach|Stronach, Tami]] *[[Maurice Strong|Strong, Maurice]] *[[Roy Strong|Strong, Roy]] *[[Charles Stross|Stross, Charles]] *[[Jonathan Stroud|Stroud, Jonathan]] *[[Bjarne Stroustrup|Stroustrup, Bjarne]] *[[Giovan Battista Strozzi|Strozzi, Giovan Battista]] *[[Joe Strummer|Strummer, Joe]] *[[Jan Struther|Struther, Jan]] *[[Sally Struthers|Struthers, Sally]] *[[John Strutt, 3rd Baron Rayleigh|Strutt, John, 3rd Baron Rayleigh]] *[[Jesse Stuart|Stuart, Jesse]] *[[Leslie Stuart|Stuart, Leslie]] *[[Alexander Stubb|Stubb, Alexander]] *[[William Stubbs|Stubbs, William]] *[[C. T. Studd|Studd, C. T.]] *[[Kurt Student|Student, Kurt]] *[[William Stukeley|Stukeley, William]] *[[Patrick Stump|Stump, Patrick]] *[[Theodore Sturgeon|Sturgeon, Theodore]] *[[William Sturgeon|Sturgeon, William]] *[[Peter Stuyvesant|Stuyvesant, Peter]] *[[William Styron|Styron, William]] ===Su–Sz=== *[[Su Wu]] *[[Daniel Suarez|Suarez, Daniel]] *[[Rose Rosengard Subotnick|Subotnick, Rose Rosengard]] *[[Orest Subtelny|Subtelny, Orest]] *[[John Suckling|Suckling, John]] *[[George Sudarshan|Sudarshan, George]] *[[Suetonius]] *[[Alan Sugar|Sugar, Alan]] *[[Sukarno]] *[[Lala Sukuna|Sukuna, Ratu Sir Lala]] *[[Lucius Cornelius Sulla|Sulla, Lucius Cornelius]] *[[Margaret Sullavan|Sullavan, Margaret]] *[[Susan Ann Sulley|Sulley, Susan Ann (née Gayle)]] *[[Andrew Sullivan|Sullivan, Andrew]] *[[Arthur Sullivan|Sullivan, Arthur]] *[[Louis Sullivan|Sullivan, Louis]] *[[Tipu Sultan|Sultan, Tipu]] *[[Wafa Sultan|Sultan, Wafa]] *[[Richard Summerbell|Summerbell, Richard]] *[[Henry Summers|Summers, Henry]] *[[Lawrence Summers|Summers, Lawrence]] *[[Charles Sumner|Sumner, Charles]] *[[Nilaja Sun|Sun, Nilaja]] *[[Sun Tzu]] *[[Billy Sunday|Sunday, Billy]] *[[Peter Sunde|Sunde, Peter]] *[[Abby Sunderland|Sunderland, Abby]] *[[John E. Sununu|Sununu, John E.]] *[[Patrick Suppes|Suppes, Patrick]] *[[Al B. Sure!|Sure!, Al B.]] *[[Robert Smith Surtees|Surtees, Robert Smith]] *[[Leonard Susskind|Susskind, Leonard]] *[[George Sutherland|Sutherland, George]] *[[Graham Sutherland|Sutherland, Graham]] *[[Kiefer Sutherland|Sutherland, Kiefer]] *[[Alexander Suvorov|Suvorov, Alexander]] *[[Helen Suzman|Suzman, Helen]] *[[D. T. Suzuki|Suzuki, D. T.]] *[[David Suzuki|Suzuki, David]] *[[Shunryu Suzuki|Suzuki, Shunryu]] *[[Italo Svevo|Svevo, Italo]] *[[Caridad Svich|Svich, Caridad]] *[[Jimmy Swaggart|Swaggart, Jimmy]] *[[Bhakti Tirtha Swami|Swami, Bhakti Tirtha]] *[[Radhanath Swami|Swami, Radhanath]] *[[Gloria Swanson|Swanson, Gloria]] *[[Aaron Swartz|Swartz, Aaron]] *[[Ram Swarup|Swarup, Ram]] *[[Emanuel Swedenborg|Swedenborg, Emanuel]] *[[John Sweeney (journalist)|Sweeney, John]] *[[Skye Sweetnam|Sweetnam, Skye]] *[[Sophie Swetchine|Swetchine, Sophie]] *[[Jonathan Swift|Swift, Jonathan]] *[[Patrick Swift|Swift, Patrick]] *[[Taylor Swift|Swift, Taylor]] *[[Brian Swimme|Swimme, Brian]] *[[Algernon Charles Swinburne|Swinburne, Algernon Charles]] *[[Barry Switzer|Switzer, Barry]] *[[Algernon Sydney|Sydney, Algernon]] *[[Buddy de Sylva|Sylva, Buddy de]] *[[James Joseph Sylvester|Sylvester, James Joseph]] *[[Joshua Sylvester|Sylvester, Joshua]] *[[Charles Sykes|Sykes, Charles Jay "Charlie"]] *[[John Addington Symonds|Symonds, John Addington]] *[[Arthur Symons|Symons, Arthur]] *[[Red Symons|Symons, Red]] *[[John Millington Synge|Synge, John Millington]] *[[Ephrem the Syrian|Syrian, Ephrem the]] *[[Publilius Syrus|Syrus, Publilius]] *[[John Szarkowski|Szarkowski, John]] *[[Thomas Szasz|Szasz, Thomas]] *[[Stefan Szczesny|Szczesny, Stefan]] *[[Albert Szent-Györgyi|Szent-Györgyi, Albert]] *[[Leó Szilárd|Szilárd, Leó]] *[[Karol Szymanowski|Szymanowski, Karol]] *[[Wisława Szymborska|Szymborska, Wisława]] [[Category:Lists of people|S]] [[Category:Names]] juctj70m9lxvbjn6xxjgg8u7o8g0g23 0 81822 3158033 3150568 2022-08-26T00:46:35Z Eaglestorm 16205 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:SacredTobacco.jpg|thumb|Welcome to the human race.]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Escape from L.A.|Escape from L.A.]]''''', also known as '''''John Carpenter's Escape From L.A.''''', is a 1996 cult film directed by [[John Carpenter]]. The sequel to the action film [[Escape from New York]], the film follows war hero Snake Plissken, played by [[Kurt Russell]]. It co-stars [[w:Steve Buscemi|Steve Buscemi]], [[w:Stacy Keach|Stacy Keach]], [[Bruce Campbell]] and [[w:Pam Grier|Pam Grier]]. {{center|'''Snake is Back''' <small>([[#taglines|taglines]])</small>}} ==Snake Plissken== [[File:Hollywood_Bowl_(cropped).jpg|thumb|200px|I'm gonna give you assholes a chance. What do you say we play a little Bangkok rules? Nobody draws until this hits the ground. Draw.]] [[File:LA_Memorial_Coliseum_aerial_view,_August_2017.jpg|thumb|200px|You got a smoke?]] * Call me Snake. * ''[facing four gunmen at once]'' I'm gonna give you assholes a chance. What do you say we play a little Bangkok rules? ''[picks up a tin can]'' Nobody draws until this hits the ground. You ready? ''[throws can up, draws, kills all four before it lands['' Draw. ==Cuervo Jones== [[File:LA_Skyline_Mountains2.jpg|thumb|You may have survived [[Cleveland]]. You may have escaped from [[New York]]. But this is LA, ''vato''. And you're about to find out that this fucking city can kill anybody!]] * ''[addressing the crowd at the LA Olympic Auditorium]'' I promised you tonight was gonna be special. I also promised you one last great spectacle of death in this historic arena. Now you will see that death. I give you, the death of SNAKE PLISSKEN!!! ''[cheers as Snake is forced into a basketball court; to Snake]'' Some people think you're already dead, Snake. Some say you never will be. 'Cause you may have survived Cleveland. You may have [[Escape from New York|escaped from New York]]. But this is LA, ''vato''. And you're about to find out that this fucking city can kill anybody! ''[more cheers]'' Game time!! ''[explains the basketball rules to Snake]'' Basketball. Two hoops, full court. Ten-second shot clock. Miss a shot, you get shot. Shot clock buzzer goes off before you shoot, you get shot. Two points for a basket, no three-point bullshit. All you gotta do is make ten points. That's it... By the way, nobody's ever walked off that court alive. Nobody. == Dialogue == [[File:Sunset_Tower,_8358_Sunset_Blvd._West_Hollywood_2383.jpg|thumb|200px|The United States is a non-smoking nation. No smoking, no drinking, no drugs, no women, unless, of course, you're married. No guns, no foul language, no red meat.]] [[File:Sunsetblvd.jpg|thumb|200px|He's not even here, he's a hologram!]] [[File:Belair.jpg|thumb|200px|Genetically engineered. One-hundred percent pure death.]] [[File:Grauman%27s_Chinese_Theatre,_by_Carol_Highsmith_fixed_%26_straightened.jpg|thumb|Shut down the Third World; they lose, you win. Shut down America; you lose, they win. The more things change, the more they stay the same.]] [[File:Excalibur_firing.png|thumb|You push that button, everything we've accomplished for the past 500 years will be finished. Our technology, our way of life, our entire history. We'll have to start all over again. For God's sakes, don't do it, Snake!]] [[File:Space_Laser_Satellite_Defense_System_Concept.jpg|thumb|He did it! He shut down the Earth!]] :''[in the detention/deportation center]'' :'''POTUS''': Would you explain to this foot soldier why he's going to do what we tell him to do? :'''Snake''': What's he talking about? :'''Malloy''': The Plutoxin Seven virus. :'''Brazen''': Genetically engineered. One-hundred percent pure death. :'''Malloy''': It starts with a slight headache, then turns into a fever that gets worse. After a short time, you crash. You bleed out like a stuck pig. Not a pretty sight. :'''Snake''': I get it. You figure that you inject that shit into me, and under the threat of death, I'll do whatever you say... just like in New York. :'''Malloy''': You got it... Snake! :'''Snake''': One question: which one of you assholes gets to die trying to stick me? :'''Malloy''': You don't understand. It's already in you. :''[Snake looks down at his hand, where Brazen scratched him earlier]'' :'''Brazen''': Catches on quick, doesn't he? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Snake''': Let's say I come back and I have your black box. Who'll give me the antidote to the virus? :'''Malloy''': A medical team will be standing by. :'''Snake''': Neither one of you will be there? :'''Malloy''': No. :'''Snake''': Good! ''[fires at Brazen and Malloy, with no effect]'' :'''Malloy''': Ha! Figured you might try that, hotshot. That's why the first clip is loaded with blanks. Bye-bye, Snake. Good luck! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the President receives the Sword of Damocles command remote from Malloy and condemns his daughter Utopia to execution]'' :'''Malloy''': She didn't know that she had that remote unit in her pocket, now, did she? I was wondering what kind of lame switch you'd try to pull this time, Plissken. You know, you're becoming very predictable. :'''Snake''': Yeah I guess so. You got a smoke? :'''Malloy''': The United States is a non-smoking nation. No smoking, no drinking, no drugs, no women, unless, of course, you're married. No guns, no foul language, no red meat. :'''Snake''': "Land of the free..." <hr width="50%"/> :''[The President orders the execution of Snake for him switching the Sword of Damocles command remote. Soldiers fire at him, with no effect. Malloy takes a gun and walks to Snake, swinging it at him. The gun passes right through.]'' :'''Brazen''': He's not even here, he's a [[w:Hologram|hologram]]! :'''Snake''': Catches on quick, doesn't she? <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Brazen alerts the President that military forces from Cuba and Mexico are less than two minutes away from attacking Florida]'' :'''President''': What's it to be, Plissken? Us or them? :'''Snake''': Shut down the Third World; they lose, you win. Shut down America; you lose, they win. The more things change, the more they stay the same. :'''President''': So what are you gonna do? :'''Snake''': Disappear. ''[Types "666" on the remote]'' :'''Brazen''': ''[looks at Sword of Damocles system display]'' He's entered in the world code...no target code... ''[realizes what Snake did; to the President]'' Sir, that'll shut down the entire planet. :'''Snake''': I told you, you'd better hope I didn't make it back. :'''Malloy''': You push that button, everything we've accomplished for the past 500 years will be finished. Our technology, our way of life, our entire history. We'll have to start all over again. ''[takes one step closer and pleads]'' For God's sakes, don't do it, Snake! :'''Snake''': The name's '''Plissken'''. ''[pushes the button; the Sword of Damocles EMP satellites fire off, disabling all electrical systems - including Utopia's electric chair just before she is to be executed]'' :'''Utopia''': ''[as the light fades out]'' He did it! He shut down the Earth! :''[holographic image of Snake winks out; the real Snake tosses the holo-cam aside. He finds a cigarette and lights it, smiles, and blows out the match as he looks to the camera]'' :'''Snake''': Welcome to the human race. == Taglines== * Snake is Back. == About ''Escape from L.A.'' == [[File:HollywoodSign.jpg|thumb|“Escape From L.A.” took some courage for Carpenter, Russell and Hill to make; they had to hope that moviegoers would accept a special effects picture with a satiric sense of humor. Yes, there are laughs in “[[Independence Day]],” but they're fairly obvious and don't sting. “Escape From L.A.” has fun with the whole concept of pictures like itself. It goes deliberately and cheerfully over the top, anchored by Russell's monosyllabic performance, which makes Clint Eastwood sound like Gabby Hayes. ~ [[Roger Ebert]]]] * Escape from L.A. is better than the first movie. Ten times better. It’s got more to it. It’s more mature. It’s got a lot more to it. I think some people didn’t like it because they felt it was a remake, not a sequel... I suppose it’s the old question of whether you like Rio Bravo or El Dorado better? They’re essentially the same movie. They both had their strengths and weaknesses. ** [http://creativescreenwriting.com/its-always-the-story-the-craft-of-carpenter/ ""It's Always the Story" - The Craft of Carpenter"]. creativescreenwriting.com. * So, I agree, the effects aren't always charming and sometimes a little, bizarrely awful. The other thing I would level at Escape from L.A. is that it doesn't really justify its 1996 $50 million budget. The aforementioned Jurassic Park had a budget of only $65 million and look what that accomplished. However, a little in its defense, every single shot in Escape from L.A. has some form of effect, whacked out costume, matte painting, set dressing etc. It's a bonkers, punk, grindhouse, fucked up, grungy, comic book, B-Movie writ large. * Most of what John Carpenter made was gloriously weird, dark, B-movies, genre movies or movies that felt like comic-books. Escape From L.A. really isn't all that different in that regard. Maybe it's lighter, maybe it's a bit sillier, maybe it's more far fetched but if these are the reasons you dislike it, I would suggest you majorly lighten up. Don't you all love ''[[Big Trouble in Little China]]''? :* Jon Cross, [http://aftermoviediner.com/feed/articles/why-does-everyone-hate-escape-from-la "Why Does Everyone Hate Escape From L.A.?"], ''The After Movie Diner''. * John Carpenter's “Escape From L.A.” is a go-for-broke action extravaganza that satirizes the genre at the same time it's exploiting it. It's a dark vision of a post-apocalyptic Los Angeles—leveled by a massive earthquake, cut off from the mainland by a flooded San Fernando Valley, and converted into a prison camp for the nation's undesirables. * Against this backdrop Carpenter launches a [[Special effects|special-effects]] [[fantasy]] that reaches heights so absurd that there's a giddy delight in the outrage. He generates heedlessness and joy in scenes such as the one where the hero surfs on a tsunami wave down Wilshire Boulevard and leaps onto the back of a speeding convertible. It's as if he gave himself license to dream up anything—to play without a net. This is the kind of movie “[[Independence Day]]” could have been if it hadn't played it safe. * Movies like this depend on [[special effects]], costumes and set design to create their worlds out of scratch, and “Escape From L.A.” is wall-to-wall with the landmarks of a post-earthquake L.A. We see the Chinese theater, the Hollywood Bowl and a beached ocean liner, and the showdown takes place in an amusement park intended, I think, to suggest Disneyland's Main Street USA. Snake finds his way through the deadly wilderness with a series of guides, including Pipeline (Peter Fonda), a has-been surfer; Taslima (Valeria Golino), a beautiful but doomed street person; Map-to-the-Stars Eddie (Steve Buscemi), who is the “guy to see” about anything, and the exotic Hershe (Pam Grier), a transsexual who once befriended Snake back in Cleveland, where he/she was known as Carjack. * At the end, when Snake has only 20 minutes to find Cuervo Jones, grab the black box and seize the daughter, Hershe suggests they get to Pasadena in a hurry by using hang-gliders. Whose heart is so stony it can resist the sight of Kurt Russell and Pam Grier swooping down from the sky, automatic weapons blazing, in an attack on Disneyland? Who, for that matter, can resist some of the other stops along the way, including Snake's encounter with a colony of “surgical failures,” who have had one plastic surgery too many, and can survive only by obtaining a steady supply of fresh body parts? Or by the sight of San Fernando Valley used-car signs peeking above the waves? Or by a chase scene which involves motorcycles, cars, trucks, horses, machine-guns and boleros? “Escape From L.A.” took some courage for Carpenter, Russell and Hill to make; they had to hope that moviegoers would accept a special effects picture with a satiric sense of humor. Yes, there are laughs in “[[Independence Day]],” but they're fairly obvious and don't sting. “Escape From L.A.” has fun with the whole concept of pictures like itself. It goes deliberately and cheerfully over the top, anchored by Russell's monosyllabic performance, which makes Clint Eastwood sound like Gabby Hayes. * Futuristic Los Angeles fantasies have uneven histories at the box office; neither “Blade Runner” nor “Strange Days” did all that well in their initial theatrical releases. But “Escape From L.A.” has such manic energy, such a weird, cockeyed vision, that it may work on some moviegoers as satire and on others as the real thing. That could lead to some interesting audience reactions. :* [[Roger Ebert]], [https://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/escape-from-la-1996 "Escape From L.A."], ''Rogerebert.com'', (August 9, 1996). * The film exults in its imagination of the greater Los Angeles area as a ruined metropolis, with the Santa Monica Freeway well underwater and the Universal Studios theme park beset by real sharks instead of the Spielberg variety. In the action climax, Disneyland—stripped of its familiar branding following a corporate bankruptcy—is invaded from the skies as Plissken drops in, gun blazing. (It's not the movie of a man who's entirely happy with the machinations of Hollywood studios.) Carpenter later said he wanted the scene to be reminiscent of The Wizard of Oz, which figures. With its aggressively whimsical dream logic, the only way this movie really makes sense is if Snake wakes up in Kansas in the final reel. * The worst of it is that Escape from L.A. was released at a time when computer graphics were still in their relative infancy, and its CGI is frankly cartoonish, while the composites that make up that surfboard ride down Wilshire Boulevard are...unconvincing. Some of the miniatures work holds up pretty well, but the film will forever be dated by the phoniness of its most ambitious effects, including shots held together by the digital equivalent of chewing gum and bailing wire. In a pinch, you could posit the crudely-layered VFX work as an elegant fit with the goofy, comic-book style of the action, but I think that's a reach. * And there's another way the movie's dated. I'm definitely in favour of roles for Pam Grier, and Carpenter gives her a small but showy one in Escape from L.A.. She plays Hershe—it's pronounced like "Hershey," thus it's an insistent play on race as well as gender. See, Hershe is a [[transexual|transwoman]] with hairy 'pits and an uncharacteristically deep voice who used to be a buddy of Snake's known as Carjack Malone. When Snake finds her, he gets in close, runs his hand up her thigh to her crotch and declares, "The more things change, the more they stay the same," before intimidating "Carjack" with the gun he found there. When she insists, "I'm no longer Carjack Malone," he hisses in response, "I don't give a fuck what you are." Yes, Plissken has story reasons for threatening Hershe. But, absent that greater context, the film plays here exactly as though Snake is threatening a [[hate crime]]. * Context is everything, and I don't imagine that either Carpenter or Russell harbours much ill will towards transsexuals. I might even argue that Carpenter's decision to cast a great actress like Pam Grier in a transgender role is evidence of his egalitarianism. Still, with the presence-or-not of a dick between her legs dropped as one in a long series of jokes about crazy Angelenos, the aggression rankles. Eighteen years have passed since the film's release, and I'm guessing neither Carpenter nor Russell would be comfortable including the scene as written if the film were released today. Like the outmoded VFX work, it's a flourish that makes Escape from L.A. uglier than it was intended to be. :* Bryant Frazer, [http://www.filmfreakcentral.net/ffc/2014/02/escape-from-la.html "John Carpenter's Escape from L.A. (1996) - Blu-ray Disc"], ''Film Freak Central'', (February 2, 2014). * Once again, Snake has to enter a sprawling urban prison zone and, with a deadly virus implanted in his blood, carry out a suicide mission. I have no idea why Russell is doing a brazen Clint Eastwood impersonation, but I do know that no one who looks this good need croak out his lines in this steely a whisper. Carpenter’s L.A. suggests a Bosnian refugee camp outfitted by Frederick’s of Hollywood. Every so often, we get to feast our eyes upon a trashed landmark — cheesy B-movie mock-ups of the Capitol Records tower and the Beverly Hills Hotel lying in ruins. Carpenter never was the filmmaker his cult claimed him to be, but in Escape From L.A., he at least has the instinct to keep his hero moving, like some leather-biker Candide. Among Snake’s more amusing pit stops: a gladiatorial basketball game in the L.A. Coliseum and a cosmetics emporium run by the ”Surgeon General of Beverly Hills.” :* Owen Gleiberman, (1996-08-23). [http://www.ew.com/article/1996/08/23/john-carpenters-escape-la "Escape From L.A."] ''Entertainment Weekly''. Retrieved 2015-09-16. * Since the millennium, the capital of the country has been relocated to Lynchburg, Va., and the government has outlawed cursing, smoking, drinking and red meat. Los Angeles may be hellish, but at least, explains one exiled character, there you can still wear a fur coat. <br> For good comic measure, the movie also throws in Pam Grier as a transsexual Los Angeles overlord, and Steve Buscemi as the ultimate, fast-talking, double-dealing, sleazy Hollywood agent, a slimeball with the unfortunate name of Map to the Stars Eddie. ** Stephen Holden, [https://archive.nytimes.com/www.nytimes.com/library/film/escape.html "Escape From L.A."], ''The New York Times'', (August 9, 1996). *'''Question''': Do you remember what your creative approach was to it? :'''Coleman Luck:''' Sure. I looked at it and said: here’s LA. I’ve been living in LA for a number of years and the first thing that occurred to me was: you know, LA in the future that we’re talking about here, the earthquake has happened—the giant earthquake has separated the city from the rest of the country—and LA is now an asylum for the criminally insane. With millions of people living in it and all the things that are in LA that we love; from the traffic jams to everything under the sun. Just everything. I went up with a sendoff on all of it. And of course Snake Plissken is gonna get sent into this place. And experience all the stuff that’s going on. I turned Disneyland into Ratland and I mean, it was dark; let me tell you, it was dark! :* Coleman Luck, [https://www.slashfilm.com/coleman-luck-escape-from-la-interview/ "HDTGM: A Conversation with Coleman Luck, Original Screenwriter of ‘Escape from L.A.’"], Blake Harris, ''Slash Film'', (January 20th, 2017). * It's been 15 years since Carpenter's futuristic cowboy-noir archetype Snake Plissken (Russell) unpenned the President from the New York City Maximum Security Prison, but then as Snake himself liked to note, “The more things change, the more they stay the same.” Of course, there have been a few minor revisions to the United States since then: The “Big One” finally hit California, decimating Los Angeles and leaving the city and its environs less than landlocked, Donald Pleasance's position as President has been filled by the bible-thumping histrionics of an apparently de-lobed Cliff Robertson, and the resultant political climate has left the country a theocratic police state. Citizens convicted of moral crimes (pre-marital sex, smoking, eating red meat, voting Democratic, etc.) are packed off to the island of Los Angeles where they are left to fend for themselves against the roving gangs and genuine psychotics that litter the island like so much post-quake detritus. ** Marc Savlov, [https://www.austinchronicle.com/events/film/1996-08-09/138096/ "John Carpenter's Escape From L.A."], ''The Austin Chronicle''. Retrieved 2015-09-16., (1996-08-09) * Dark, percussive and perversely fun, "Escape From L.A." puts Kurt Russell as hard-nosed outlaw hero Snake Plissken right where he belongs—in the ruins of Hollywood, where bravado on a Harley or a surfboard can be a tool for survival. * In the movie's opening scenes, Los Angeles cracks up big time. It becomes an island of rubble in the middle of a huge bay with Malibu at one end and Orange County at the other. The San Fernando Valley is a sea filled with sharks and the ruins of old freeways and collapsed apartment complexes. Compared with the spare-looking "Escape From New York," this "Escape" looks like a [[w:Peter Bruegel The Elder|Brueghel]] painting—dense, meaty, strangely beautiful. The filmmakers credit the 1994 Northridge quake as an inspiration. * Underneath the film's "hey dude" attitude, "Escape From L.A." is surprisingly effective in picturing a former nirvana clenched in the twisted rubble of its own excess. The City of Angels has become the perfect prison for kooks, yet the film also shows us a somehow familiar America of kooks in high places, preening and self-righteous, ruthless as rats. :* Peter Stack, [https://www.sfgate.com/movies/article/FILM-REVIEW-The-Ocean-Falls-Into-L-A-2971032.php "FILM REVIEW -- The Ocean Falls Into L.A. / Drowned city stars with Kurt Russell in "Escape' sequel"]. ''San Francisco Chronicle''. (1996-08-09) * When it came to making “Escape from LA,” Carpenter had a budget of around $50 million to work with. But while he and Russell had more time and money, Carpenter said he had the hardest time writing the screenplay for it because he felt that everything he was writing was “bullshit.” What got him to revisit Snake Plissken was that Russell was so keen on playing the character again, and they solved their script problem by moving the action to Los Angeles which was in a constant state of denial with all the earthquakes and natural disasters occurring there. They simply took the same scenario of the original movie and updated it to reflect the current state of the city while filming. * “Escape From New York” may have had only one real New York shot in the entire movie, but all of “Escape from LA” was filmed in Los Angeles. The sequel was shot over a period of one hundred and three nights, and Carpenter said he found filming at night to be very “soul draining” as it changes the way you see things and the darkness infects you in a very unhealthy way. :* The Ultimate Rabbit, [https://theultimaterabbit.com/2017/08/13/john-carpenter-looks-back-at-escape-from-new-york-and-escape-from-la/ "John Carpenter Looks Back at ‘Escape From New York’ and ‘Escape From LA’"], (August 13, 2017). * With much humor and high adventure, "John Carpenter's Escape From L.A." brilliantly imagines a [[Dante]]-esque vision of the City of Angels 17 years from now as a hell on Earth, all but destroyed—and made an island—by a 9.6 earthquake in 1998. <br> Amid endless vistas of ruins—think Berlin at the end of World War II—the Chinese Theater, the Capitol Records building, a wing of the Beverly Hills Hotel and other damaged landmarks still stand to let us know where we are. Inspired, meticulously detailed production design in turn serves as a background for a provocative high-octane action thriller that reunites Carpenter with producer Debra Hill and Kurt Russell, who jointly wrote this spectacular, superior sequel to their rousing 1981 "Escape From New York," which, by the way, was set in 1997. * At the top of his game, Carpenter and his cohorts boldly tap into the twin strains of paranoia gripping the present-day American society, suggesting that we face one or the other of two of our worst nightmares coming true. They suggest that liberals fear a fascistic Moral Majority-style takeover—it's not for nothing that Robertson's president has moved the government to Lynchburg, Va.--whereas conservatives fear a Latino invasion from the South of the Border. Snake, therefore, becomes the man in the middle with whom most of us identify. ** Kevin Thomas, [http://articles.latimes.com/1996-08-09/entertainment/ca-32561_1_director-john-carpenter "This Makes SigAlerts Seem Tame"\]. ''Los Angeles Times'', (1996-08-09). * A cartoonish, cheesy and surprisingly campy apocalyptic actioner, “John Carpenter’s Escape From L.A.” is spiked with a number of funny and anarchic ideas, but doesn’t begin to pull them together into a coherent whole. Designed principally to return Kurt Russell’s violence-prone Snake character to the screen after a 15-year layoff and to gain maximum mileage out of the public’s delight in seeing the worst possible fate visited upon SoCal, this serving of sloppy seconds will score its biggest hit with teenage boys. Paramount should look to make a quick getaway with as much B.O. booty as possible from potent openings, as staying power looks meager. ** Todd McCarthy, (1996-08-12). [https://variety.com/1996/film/reviews/john-carpenter-s-escape-from-l-a-1200446444/"Review: 'John Carpenter's Escape from L.A.'"]. ''Variety''. Retrieved 2015-09-16. * It has been 16 years since Snake's exploits in New York City. He's once again arrested, this time for a series of moral crimes, and sentenced to exile on the prison island. However, he's recruited, once again against his will, to retrieve the remote. In exchange, his criminal record will be expunged and he can start anew. <br> As his next adventure progresses, Snake meets a group of individuals, which include Heshe Las Palmas, a transsexual gang leader played by Pam Grier, "Map to the Stars" Eddie, played by Steve Buscemi, and the seductive Taslima, played by Valeria Golino. Taslima has been sent to L.A. for the simple fact that she is Muslim. She later confides in Snake that despite the anarchistic nature of her new surroundings, she feels it's the only place one could be absolutely free, since the outside world has in one way or another created a prison of its own. <br> Similar to the original film, these various characters aid Plissken in navigating his way through the former tinsel town, foiling the villain's plot and returning to the mainland. It is there, when the time comes for Snake to hand over the device, that he realizes the true power of the weapon he has helped to secure, which guarantees victory for whoever possesses it. Realizing this, Snakes comes to the conclusion that no one should wield that much power and hits the reset button, erasing the last several hundred years of technological advancements, sending us back to the Stone Age. Our iconic anti-hero then proceeds to break the fourth wall by giving the audience one final badass look; leaving us to venture into a world that may be even more dangerous than the one we just left behind. "Welcome to the human race," he states. :* Anthony Perotta, [https://www.popmatters.com/sci-fi-cowboys-in-escape-from-new-york-and-escape-from-la-2507232787.html “Sci-fi Cowboys in 'Escape from New York' and 'Escape from L.A.'”], ''Pop Matters'', (07 Nov 2017). * And now, we're in 2013, the year in which John Carpenter set his 1996 sci-fi thriller Escape From L.A. Though a box-office dud of mixed critical reputation, Escape From New York's pulpy sequel offers a fun viewing experience today—in part, unsurprisingly, because our world little resembles the one the film imagined. <br> Of course, it's a very good thing it doesn't. In the film's prologue, a stern, robotic-sounding female narrator offers a disturbing vision of America gone wrong. After a deadly earthquake in the year 2000, Los Angeles separates from mainland North America, so our government uses the newly formed island for prisoners, atheists, and other undesirables. Present-day California's quite-terrible prison problems pale in comparison. * The surprisingly character-driven script, too, wouldn't fly today. Rather than focus on elaborate set pieces and action sequences, Carpenter, Hill, and Russell give their actors ample time to talk and double-cross each other. Sometimes Snake is the trickster—in one memorable moment, he kills armed men by appealing to their sense of fair play, which he does not reciprocate—but most of the time everyone around Snake betrays him. Steve Buscemi turns up as "Map of the Stars" Eddie, and at first he's eager to help. But as the movie continues, Eddie reveals himself as a lackey for Cuervo Jones (Georges Corraface), a Peruvian revolutionary and the movie's de-facto villain. With the exception of Peter Fonda's whacked-out hippie, the characters of Escape From L.A. are unfailingly selfish and mean. Plissken gets some help from Hershe (Pam Grier), a transgender crime lord, but only after he lies to her about a government payoff. <br> The most satisfying payoff of seeing Escape From L.A. today is in realizing that 1996 imagined 2013 so as to fantasize about regressing. At one point in the film, someone remarks Plissken looks "so 20th century." That's not a phrase that anyone uses today, but it speaks to a deeper truth: This is a pro-nostalgia antihero, disgusted by the world around him, only able to be happy—insofar as he can be happy—when he's on a surfboard. At the end of the movie, Plissken uses the black box to effectively turn off the world's light switch. The screen cuts to black and Russell offers the last line: "Welcome to the human race." Transpose that turn of events onto 2013 as it actually exists, and it becomes more profound than it was in theaters. Nothing would make Snake Plissken angrier than friends at a restaurant ignoring one another because they're transfixed by their smart phones. :* Alan Zieberman, [https://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2013/08/-i-escape-from-la-i-today-how-a-1996-sci-fi-thriller-imagined-the-year-2013/278460/ “Escape From L.A., Today: How a 1996 Sci-Fi Thriller Imagined the Year 2013“], ''The Atlantic'', (Aug 8, 2013). ==Cast== * [[Kurt Russell]] - Snake Plissken * [[w:Steve Buscemi|Steve Buscemi]] - Map to the Stars Eddie * [[w:Peter Fonda|Peter Fonda]] - Pipeline * [[w:Cliff Robertson|Cliff Robertson]] - President * [[w:Valeria Golino|Valeria Golino]] - Taslima * [[w:Stacy Keach|Stacy Keach]] - Cmdr. Malloy * [[w:Pam Grier|Pam Grier]] - Hershe Las Palmas/Carjack MAlone * [[Bruce Campbell]] - Surgeon General of Beverly Hills * [[w:Georges Corraface|Georges Corraface]] - Cuervo Jones * [[w:Michelle Forbes|Michelle Forbes]] - Brazen * [[w:A. J. Langer|A. J. Langer]] - Utopia * [[w:Ina Romeo|Ina Romeo]] - Hooker * [[w:Peter Jason|Peter Jason]] - Duty Sergeant * [[w:Jordan Baker|Jordan Baker]] - Police Anchor * [[w:Caroleen Feeney|Caroleen Feeney]] - Woman on Freeway * [[w:Paul Bartel|Paul Bartel]] - Congressman * [[w:Tom McNulty|Tom McNulty]] - Officer * [[w:Jeff Imada|Jeff Imada]] - Saigon Shadow * [[w:Breckin Meyer|Breckin Meyer]] - Surfer * [[w:Robert Carradine|Robert Carradine]] - Skinhead * [[w:Shelly Desai|Shelly Desai]] - Cloaked Figure * [[w:Leland Orser|Leland Orser]] - Test Tube ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:1996 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Action films]] [[Category:Thriller films]] [[Category:Science fiction films]] [[Category:Dystopian films]] [[Category:Post-apocalyptic films]] [[Category:Apocalyptic films]] [[Category:Political thriller films]] [[Category:Nuclear weapons in media]] [[Category:Films set in Los Angeles]] [[Category:Films directed by John Carpenter]] 1c1u6xvkppa490b7qis9z9hdh0bs8su 0 86450 3158045 3058745 2022-08-26T01:44:35Z 98.52.161.97 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Backdraft (film)|Backdraft]]''''' is a [[w:1991 in film|1991]] [[w:Cinema of the United States|American film]] about two Chicago firefighter brothers, who don't get along, who have to work together while a dangerous arsonist is on the loose. :''Directed by [[w:Ron Howard|Ron Howard]]. Written by [[w:Gregory Widen|Gregory Widen]].'' <center>'''In that instant it can create a hero... or cover a secret.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]</center> ==Stephen "Bull" McCaffrey== * How do you do it, man? How do you manage to keep coming up with new and amazing ways to fuck up? I mean, that Scotch bullshit? Am I really supposed to believe you came crawlin' home because you felt heartstrings moan for the family biz? You were bankrupt, man! The scary thing is, you probably coulda got away with it for awhile. * One case of scotch, Brian? Man, you're getting cheap in your old age! * You go, we go. * I told you to stay right be-''fucking''-side me, Brian! * Well, I thinks its union bylaw that if you get your picture in the paper, even if it's bullshit, that you gotta buy the whole company a drink. * The only problem is that in this job is there's just no place to hide. It's not like having a bad day selling log cabins. You have a bad day here and somebody dies... and that's just not fucking good enough. * You're doin it wrong. * Look at him. That's my brother, Goddamn it. ==Brian McCaffrey== * I'm not gonna quit, Stephen. You hear me? ==John "Axe" Adcox== * Jesus, Stevie, you never know when to quit, do you? Do you ever wonder why you're stuck a fucking lieutenant for life? ==Donald 'Shadow' Rimgale== *''[Rimgale and Brian crash Alderman Swayzak's press conference]'' These detectives would like to question you on how come you paid Donald Cosgrove, Jeffrey Holcomb and Alan Seagrave to create a phony manpower study! Ask him who made money off firemen dying! ==Other== *'''Ricco, Pathologist''': ''[to Brian about picking up the burned body]'' Jesus Christ! He's not going to sell you insurance, pick him up! *'''Ronald Bartel''': The funny thing about firemen is... Night and day they are always firemen. ==Dialogue== :'''Schmidt''': Yeah, it's jumping floors, Lieutenant! :'''Stephen''': Well, where's the second-in companies, huh? :'''Schmidt''': Sorry, man, John Wayne time. You're on your own, boss. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tim Kizminski:''' How do we know if the floor’s gonna be on fire on one of these? :'''Stephen''': Well, when the doors open, if it's hot, don't get out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Axe''': Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. As 17's official toastmaster... :'''Ray Santos''': ...and bullshitter. :'''Axe''': Thank you, Santos. Did I happen to mention you're cut out of my will? I think it appropriate that we recognize the two asswipes... Probationary Firemen... among us today who were officially baptized into the world of Old Man Fire. First, to Tim. Despite the fact that he was born with a rather dull expression, and a really hideous pair of ears, he not only took on the beast but pulled from its clutches, assisted by a more famous and brilliant firefighter, me, a kicking and screaming civilian who will probably wind up suing us for breaking her fingernails. And to Brian... ''[reveals mannequin]'' ...whose own contribution was both more beautiful and less likely to sue. You know, when I learned that both McCaffrey brothers would be assigned here at this station together at the same time, my heart was filled with... a sudden desire to transfer. So raise a glass, lads. To funny-looking Tim, and the McCaffrey brothers, who, despite the fact that they have gotten on each other's nerves for years, have managed with great effort to still be pissed off at each other... Gentlemen. :'''All men in the firehouse''': Fuck you! ''[laughter]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brian McCaffrey:''' ''[Tim Krizminski, a candidate, was severely burned by a backdraft]'' You had to do it, didn't you? You had to be myth man again, taking on another fire bare-handed instead of looking out for your probie? :'''Stephen McCaffrey''': I ''had that'' fire! He just didn't listen to me! :'''Brian''': He's a ''candidate''! Your responsibility! You shouldn't have had him up there in the first place! You burned him, Stephen! :'''Stephen:''' Fuck you! :'''Brian:''' Don't you walk away from me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stephen''': Hey, Swayzak! You missed it, buddy! Oh, you should have been there, man! Really, it was fuckin' great. I mean, we almost lost it. We almost lost a whole goddamn company for you just because, well, you know, since you shut down Thirty-Three. Well, there's no fuckin' backup, right? And we do, we appreciate it. I mean, I don't know about the rest of the guys, but you got my vote for mayor! :'''Swayzak''': Look, Lieutenant, if you have a problem, why don't you help us? Why don't you work with the task force... :'''Stephen''': Task force? Three guys have died already this year because of the cuts made by your FUCKIN' TASK FORCE! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stephen:''' Who's your brother, Brian? :'''Brian:''' You are, Stephen. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rimgale''': So stop me if I got this wrong. Now the fire is almost out, you're upstairs on the unburned floor checking for heat, is that correct? And you've been told by your Battalion Chief, your Captain and by me not to do nothin', right? Not to do nothin' until ordered. That's correct, right? :'''Candidate''': Yes, sir. :'''Rimgale''': Ok. But now the itch starts. The 'Glory Boy' flash starts. 'Hey, I'm a hero. Heroes don't just stand around.' You can tell me, that's what it was, wasn't it? :'''Candidate''': Yes, sir. :'''Rimgale''': So you punched out a window for ventilation. Was that before or after you noticed you were standing in a lake of gasoline? WAS THAT BEFORE OR AFTER YOU NOTICED YOU WERE STANDING IN A LAKE OF GASOLINE, YOU IDIOT?! :'''Candidate''': Before, sir. :'''Rimgale''': You could have burned or killed or crispened half that company! To say nothing of the fact that you wrecked the physical evidence that I use to prove that it's arson, and you know how goddamned hard it is to determine the cause of these fires! Now you go home and you think about that! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jennifer Vaitkus''': We believe you're holding back on us, to embarrass the Alderman because of his fire department cutbacks. :'''Donald''': Alderman, I have an uncomplicated job: To determine if a fire is arson or not, and if so, to catch the son of a bitch doing it. And if my investigative methods happen to muck up the campaign of certain mayor wannabes, I gotta tell ya... I'm not gonna go losing any sleep over it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ronald''': I sent away for the copy of ''Life magazine''. The one with your picture on the front. It's a collectible. :'''Brian McCaffrey''': Who's doing this, Ronald? :'''Ronald''': Wrong question. Who isn't? It's not a spark because there's not enough damage. He wouldn't have had any fun. It's not an insurance scam because there isn't any profit. :'''Brian''': Do you know who's doing this? :'''Ronald''': Yes. :'''Brian''': Then tell me. :'''Ronald''': You want to know who? I want to know if this kid really wanted to be just like his dad. :'''Brian''': I wanted to be him. I wanted to be him more than anything else in the world. :'''Ronald''': And you loved him? :'''Brian''': Yeah. :'''Ronald''': And you watched him dance with the animal. You saw your dad burn. :'''Brian''': Fuck you, Ronald! Who's doing this, huh? :'''Ronald''': Did it look at you? Did the fire look at you? It did. Whoa. Wow! Our worlds aren't that far apart after all, are they? So, whoever did this this knows the animal well, doesn't he? He knows him real well, but he won't let him loose. He won't let him have any fun, so he does not love him. Now who doesn't love fire? And is around trychtichlorate all day long? :'''Brian''': Oh, my God! :'''Ronald''': See... that wasn't such a long walk after all. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rimgale''': What about the world, Ronald? What would you like to do to the whole world? :'''Ronald Bartel''': Burn it all. :'''Rimgale''': See you next year, Ronald. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rimgale''': In a word, Brian, what is this job all about? :'''Brian''': Fire. :'''Rimgale''': It's a living thing, Brian. It breathes, it eats, and it hates. The only way to beat it is to think like it. To know that this flame will spread this way across the door and up across the ceiling, not because of the physics of flammable liquids, but because it wants to. Some guys on this job, the fire owns them, makes 'em fight it on it's level, but the only way to truly kill it is to love it a little. Just like Ronald. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Swayzak''': You know that little glow that’s starting to blink in the corner of your eye? That's your career dissapation light. It just went into overtime. :'''Stephen''': If anybody's lights are about to go out, believe me they're yours. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stephen''': Jesus Christ, Axe! :'''Axe''': You don't understand. My cousin, my cousin, Sally, used to work at Swayzak's office. She saw the files, Stephen. She saw what he did! :'''Stephen''': You set me up with those chemicals on the boat? :'''Axe''': I'm trying to explain. :'''Brian''': Stephen! :'''Axe''': You back off! :'''Stephen''': Axe... :'''Axe''': Somebody had to stop these pricks, Stephen! :'''Stephen''': Would you look at me, Axe? :'''Axe''': Would you please listen to me? :'''Stephen''': What were you thinking? You burned people! :'''Axe''': You didn't see. :'''Stephen''': You're a fireman! :'''Axe''': When Sally showed me what was in Swayzak's files... :'''Brian''': You saw Swayzak's files?! :'''Axe''': I should've told you. I should've let you on it. :'''Brian''': Let him in on what, John? Murder? :'''Axe''': Let you in on it while Swayzak and those assholes were closing firehouses. They were getting our friends killed for money! I had to, Stephen! I had to do it for the department! :'''Brian''': Did you do it for Tim, John? :'''Axe''': That was an accident! :'''Stephen''': Did you start that fire?! :'''Axe''': Jesus Christ! Why'd you have to go in there so fucking early? :'''Stephen''': That's why you wanted me to wait! :'''Axe''': Let me finish Swayzak! :'''Brian''': No, John! It's over! :'''Axe''': You shut up! Your dad would fucking puke if he saw how you shit on his department! :'''Brian''': What would he say about what you're doing, John?! :'''Axe''': Your dad died saving my life. Died saving my life, and these people were killing firemen for money. :'''Stephen''': Swayzak? :'''Axe''': He killed our friends for money! What the fuck would you do? :'''Brian''': Look, you're his lieutenant, Stephen! You've gotta handle this! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rimgale and Brian crash Alderman Swayzak's press conference]'' :'''Rimgale''': These detectives would like to question you on how come you paid Donald Cosgrove, Jeffrey Holcum and Allan Seagrave to create a phony manpower study! ''[throws the files at the media, resulting in a barrage of questions]'' Ask him who made money off firemen dying! :'''Brian''': ''[in Swayzak's ear]'' You see that glow flashing in the corner of your eye? That's your career dissipation light. It just went into high gear. == Taglines == * One breath of oxygen and it explodes in a deadly rage. * Silently behind a door, it waits. * In that instant it can create a hero... or cover a secret. == Cast == * [[Kurt Russell]] - Lt. Stephen "Bull" McCaffrey/Capt. Dennis McCaffrey * [[w:William Baldwin|William Baldwin]] - Brian McCaffrey * [[Robert De Niro]] - Inspector Donald "Shadow" Rimgale * [[w:Scott Glenn|Scott Glenn]] - John "Axe" Adcox * [[w:Jennifer Jason Leigh|Jennifer Jason Leigh]] - Jennifer Vaitkus * [[w:Rebecca De Mornay|Rebecca De Mornay]] - Helen McCaffrey * [[w:Donald Sutherland|Donald Sutherland]] - Ronald Bartel * [[w:Jason Gedrick|Jason Gedrick]] - Tim Krizminski * [[w:J. T. Walsh|J. T. Walsh]] - Alderman Martin Swayzak * Anthony Mockus, Sr. - Chief John Fitzgerald * Cedric Young - Grindle * Juan Ramirez - Ray Santos * Kevin Casey as Nightingale * [[w:Jack McGee (actor)|Jack McGee]] - Schmidt * Mark Wheeler - Pengelly == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0101393|title=Backdraft}} * {{mojo title|backdraft|Backdraft}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|backdraft|Backdraft}} [[Category:1991 films]] [[Category:Firefighting films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Crime drama films]] [[Category:Films set in Chicago]] [[Category:Action thriller films]] [[Category:Films directed by Ron Howard]] l2h9vf9epajxqd5cuxowr44dyq7w63k 3158046 3158045 2022-08-26T01:46:55Z 98.52.161.97 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Backdraft (film)|Backdraft]]''''' is a [[w:1991 in film|1991]] [[w:Cinema of the United States|American film]] about two Chicago firefighter brothers, who don't get along, who have to work together while a dangerous arsonist is on the loose. :''Directed by [[w:Ron Howard|Ron Howard]]. Written by [[w:Gregory Widen|Gregory Widen]].'' <center>'''In that instant it can create a hero... or cover a secret.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]</center> ==Stephen "Bull" McCaffrey== * How do you do it, man? How do you manage to keep coming up with new and amazing ways to fuck up? I mean, that Scotch bullshit? Am I really supposed to believe you came crawlin' home because you felt heartstrings moan for the family biz? You were bankrupt, man! The scary thing is, you probably coulda got away with it for awhile. * One case of scotch, Brian? Man, you're getting cheap in your old age! * You go, we go. * I told you to stay right be-''fucking''-side me, Brian! * Well, I thinks its union bylaw that if you get your picture in the paper, even if it's bullshit, that you gotta buy the whole company a drink. * The only problem is that in this job is there's just no place to hide. It's not like having a bad day selling log cabins. You have a bad day here and somebody dies... and that's just not fucking good enough. * You're doin it wrong. * Look at him. That's my brother, Goddamn it. ==Brian McCaffrey== * I'm not gonna quit, Stephen. You hear me? ==John "Axe" Adcox== * Jesus, Stevie, you never know when to quit, do you? Do you ever wonder why you're stuck a fucking lieutenant for life? ==Donald 'Shadow' Rimgale== *''[Rimgale and Brian crash Alderman Swayzak's press conference]'' These detectives would like to question you on how come you paid Donald Cosgrove, Jeffrey Holcomb and Alan Seagrave to create a phony manpower study! Ask him who made money off firemen dying! ==Other== *'''Ricco, Pathologist''': ''[to Brian about picking up the burned body]'' Jesus Christ! He's not going to sell you insurance, pick him up! *'''Ronald Bartel''': The funny thing about firemen is... Night and day they are always firemen. ==Dialogue== :'''Schmidt''': Yeah, it's jumping floors, Lieutenant! :'''Stephen''': Well, where's the second-in companies, huh? :'''Schmidt''': Sorry, man, John Wayne time. You're on your own, boss. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tim Kizminski:''' How do we know if the floor’s gonna be on fire on one of these? :'''Stephen''': Well, when the doors open, if it's hot, don't get out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Axe''': Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. As 17's official toastmaster... :'''Ray Santos''': ...and bullshitter. :'''Axe''': Thank you, Santos. Did I happen to mention you're cut out of my will? I think it appropriate that we recognize the two asswipes... Probationary Firemen... among us today who were officially baptized into the world of Old Man Fire. First, to Tim. Despite the fact that he was born with a rather dull expression, and a really hideous pair of ears, he not only took on the beast but pulled from its clutches, assisted by a more famous and brilliant firefighter, me, a kicking and screaming civilian who will probably wind up suing us for breaking her fingernails. And to Brian... ''[reveals mannequin]'' ...whose own contribution was both more beautiful and less likely to sue. You know, when I learned that both McCaffrey brothers would be assigned here at this station together at the same time, my heart was filled with... a sudden desire to transfer. So raise a glass, lads. To funny-looking Tim, and the McCaffrey brothers, who, despite the fact that they have gotten on each other's nerves for years, have managed with great effort to still be pissed off at each other... Gentlemen. :'''All men in the firehouse''': Fuck you! ''[laughter]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brian McCaffrey:''' ''[Tim Krizminski, a candidate, was severely burned by a backdraft]'' You had to do it, didn't you? You had to be myth man again, taking on another fire bare-handed instead of looking out for your probie? :'''Stephen McCaffrey''': I ''had that'' fire! He just didn't listen to me! :'''Brian''': He's a ''candidate''! Your responsibility! You shouldn't have had him up there in the first place! You burned him, Stephen! :'''Stephen:''' Fuck you! :'''Brian:''' Don't you walk away from me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stephen''': Hey, Swayzak! You missed it, buddy! Oh, you should have been there, man! Really, it was fuckin' great. I mean, we almost lost it. We almost lost a whole goddamn company for you just because, well, you know, since you shut down Thirty-Three. Well, there's no fuckin' backup, right? And we do, we appreciate it. I mean, I don't know about the rest of the guys, but you got my vote for mayor! :'''Swayzak''': Look, Lieutenant, if you have a problem, why don't you help us? Why don't you work with the task force... :'''Stephen''': Task force? Three guys have died already this year because of the cuts made by your FUCKIN' TASK FORCE! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stephen:''' Who's your brother, Brian? :'''Brian:''' You are, Stephen. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rimgale''': So stop me if I got this wrong. Now the fire is almost out, you're upstairs on the unburned floor checking for heat, is that correct? And you've been told by your Battalion Chief, your Captain and by me not to do nothin', right? Not to do nothin' until ordered. That's correct, right? :'''Candidate''': Yes, sir. :'''Rimgale''': Ok. But now the itch starts. The 'Glory Boy' flash starts. 'Hey, I'm a hero. Heroes don't just stand around.' You can tell me, that's what it was, wasn't it? :'''Candidate''': Yes, sir. :'''Rimgale''': So you punched out a window for ventilation. Was that before or after you noticed you were standing in a lake of gasoline? WAS THAT BEFORE OR AFTER YOU NOTICED YOU WERE STANDING IN A LAKE OF GASOLINE, YOU IDIOT?! :'''Candidate''': Before, sir. :'''Rimgale''': You could have burned or killed or crispened half that company! To say nothing of the fact that you wrecked the physical evidence that I use to prove that it's arson, and you know how goddamned hard it is to determine the cause of these fires! Now you go home and you think about that! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jennifer Vaitkus''': We believe you're holding back on us, to embarrass the Alderman because of his fire department cutbacks. :'''Donald''': Alderman, I have an uncomplicated job: To determine if a fire is arson or not, and if so, to catch the son of a bitch doing it. And if my investigative methods happen to muck up the campaign of certain mayor wannabes, I gotta tell ya... I'm not gonna go losing any sleep over it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ronald''': I sent away for the copy of ''Life magazine''. The one with your picture on the front. It's a collectible. :'''Brian McCaffrey''': Who's doing this, Ronald? :'''Ronald''': Wrong question. Who isn't? It's not a spark because there's not enough damage. He wouldn't have had any fun. It's not an insurance scam because there isn't any profit. :'''Brian''': Do you know who's doing this? :'''Ronald''': Yes. :'''Brian''': Then tell me. :'''Ronald''': You want to know who? I want to know if this kid really wanted to be just like his dad. :'''Brian''': I wanted to be him. I wanted to be him more than anything else in the world. :'''Ronald''': And you loved him? :'''Brian''': Yeah. :'''Ronald''': And you watched him dance with the animal. You saw your dad burn. :'''Brian''': Fuck you, Ronald! Who's doing this, huh? :'''Ronald''': Did it look at you? Did the fire look at you? It did. Whoa. Wow! Our worlds aren't that far apart after all, are they? So, whoever did this this knows the animal well, doesn't he? He knows him real well, but he won't let him loose. He won't let him have any fun, so he does not love him. Now who doesn't love fire? And is around trychtichlorate all day long? :'''Brian''': Oh, my God! :'''Ronald''': See... that wasn't such a long walk after all. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rimgale''': What about the world, Ronald? What would you like to do to the whole world? :'''Ronald Bartel''': Burn it all. :'''Rimgale''': See you next year, Ronald. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rimgale''': In a word, Brian, what is this job all about? :'''Brian''': Fire. :'''Rimgale''': It's a living thing, Brian. It breathes, it eats, and it hates. The only way to beat it is to think like it. To know that this flame will spread this way across the door and up across the ceiling, not because of the physics of flammable liquids, but because it wants to. Some guys on this job, the fire owns them, makes 'em fight it on it's level, but the only way to truly kill it is to love it a little. Just like Ronald. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Swayzak''': You know that little glow that’s starting to blink in the corner of your eye? That's your career dissapation light. It just went into overtime. :'''Stephen''': If anybody's lights are about to go out, believe me they're yours. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stephen''': Jesus Christ, Axe! :'''Axe''': You don't understand. My cousin, my cousin, Sally, used to work at Swayzak's office. She saw the files, Stephen. She saw what he did! :'''Stephen''': You set me up with those chemicals on the boat? :'''Axe''': I'm trying to explain. :'''Brian''': Stephen! :'''Axe''': You back off! :'''Stephen''': Axe... :'''Axe''': Somebody had to stop these pricks, Stephen! :'''Stephen''': Would you look at me, Axe? :'''Axe''': Would you please listen to me? :'''Stephen''': What were you thinking? You burned people! :'''Axe''': You didn't see. :'''Stephen''': You're a fireman! :'''Axe''': When Sally showed me what was in Swayzak's files... :'''Brian''': You saw Swayzak's files?! :'''Axe''': I should've told you. I should've let you on it. :'''Brian''': Let him in on what, John? Murder? :'''Axe''': Let you in on it while Swayzak and those assholes were closing firehouses. They were getting our friends killed for money! I had to, Stephen! I had to do it for the department! :'''Brian''': Did you do it for Tim, John? :'''Axe''': That was an accident! :'''Stephen''': Did you start that fire?! :'''Axe''': Jesus Christ! Why'd you have to go in there so fucking early? :'''Stephen''': That's why you wanted me to wait! :'''Axe''': Let me finish Swayzak! :'''Brian''': No, John! It's over! :'''Axe''': You shut up! Your dad would fucking puke if he saw how you shit on his department! :'''Brian''': What would he say about what you're doing, John?! :'''Axe''': Your dad died saving my life. Died saving my life, and these people were killing firemen for money. :'''Stephen''': Swayzak? :'''Axe''': He killed our friends for money! What the fuck would you do? :'''Brian''': Look, you're his lieutenant, Stephen! You've gotta handle this! :''[The roof starts weakening]'' :'''Axe''': It's going! :'''Stephen''': Get to the side, Brian! It's gonna go! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rimgale and Brian crash Alderman Swayzak's press conference]'' :'''Rimgale''': These detectives would like to question you on how come you paid Donald Cosgrove, Jeffrey Holcum and Allan Seagrave to create a phony manpower study! ''[throws the files at the media, resulting in a barrage of questions]'' Ask him who made money off firemen dying! :'''Brian''': ''[in Swayzak's ear]'' You see that glow flashing in the corner of your eye? That's your career dissipation light. It just went into high gear. == Taglines == * One breath of oxygen and it explodes in a deadly rage. * Silently behind a door, it waits. * In that instant it can create a hero... or cover a secret. == Cast == * [[Kurt Russell]] - Lt. Stephen "Bull" McCaffrey/Capt. Dennis McCaffrey * [[w:William Baldwin|William Baldwin]] - Brian McCaffrey * [[Robert De Niro]] - Inspector Donald "Shadow" Rimgale * [[w:Scott Glenn|Scott Glenn]] - John "Axe" Adcox * [[w:Jennifer Jason Leigh|Jennifer Jason Leigh]] - Jennifer Vaitkus * [[w:Rebecca De Mornay|Rebecca De Mornay]] - Helen McCaffrey * [[w:Donald Sutherland|Donald Sutherland]] - Ronald Bartel * [[w:Jason Gedrick|Jason Gedrick]] - Tim Krizminski * [[w:J. T. Walsh|J. T. Walsh]] - Alderman Martin Swayzak * Anthony Mockus, Sr. - Chief John Fitzgerald * Cedric Young - Grindle * Juan Ramirez - Ray Santos * Kevin Casey as Nightingale * [[w:Jack McGee (actor)|Jack McGee]] - Schmidt * Mark Wheeler - Pengelly == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0101393|title=Backdraft}} * {{mojo title|backdraft|Backdraft}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|backdraft|Backdraft}} [[Category:1991 films]] [[Category:Firefighting films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Crime drama films]] [[Category:Films set in Chicago]] [[Category:Action thriller films]] [[Category:Films directed by Ron Howard]] hakzgn6i5hj480e9r5x5tc67aqztd3m 4 91499 3158121 3157770 2022-08-26T11:49:20Z Eaglestorm 16205 /* Eaglestorm */ wikitext text/x-wiki This page is for editors who would like to work on articles in danger of [[Wikiquote:Copyrights|copyright]] violation. To avoid duplication of effort, editors should list the articles they are planning to work on. Each time an article is cleaned up, its completion can be marked on this page. Please use [[Wikiquote:Limits on quotations]] as a reference to how long pages should be. [[:Category:Pages which need their copyright status checked|Here is the list]] of pages that have been marked for likely copyright problems. The project began in the week of September 7, 2008: == '''[[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]]'''== [[Dane Cook]] (completed); [[Steven Wright]] (completed); [[Bill Hicks]] (completed); [[Lewis Black]] (completed); [[Les Misérables (musical)]] (completed); [[Team America: World Police]] (completed); [[Chappelle's Show]] (completed); [[Orson Scott Card]] (completed); [[Malcolm in the Middle]] (completed); [[That '70s Show]] (completed); [[Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End]] (completed); [[Deadwood (TV series)]] (completed); [[A Few Good Men]] (completed); [[The Big Lebowski]] (completed); [[Chess (musical)]] (completed); [[Bill Cosby: Himself]] (completed); [[Arrested Development (TV series)]] (completed); [[Boy Meets World]] (completed); [[Back to the Future]] (completed); [[Withnail and I]] (completed); [[The Catcher in the Rye]] (completed); [[Queer as Folk (North American TV series)]] (completed); [[Goodfellas]] (completed); [[Friends (TV series)]] (completed); [[Sleepy Hollow (film)]] (completed); [[Roswell (TV series)]] (completed); [[Dogma (film)]] (completed); [[The Magnificent Ambersons (film)]] (completed); [[JFK (film)]] (completed); [[Saving Private Ryan]] (completed); [[From Hell (film)]] (completed); [[The Queen (film)]] (completed); [[Red Dwarf]] (completed); [[Back to the Future Part III]] (completed); [[The Princess Bride (film)]] (completed); [[Metropolitan (film)]] (completed); [[Ferris Bueller's Day Off]] (completed); [[Enter the Dragon]] (completed); [[The Color Purple (film)]] (completed); [[The Blue Lagoon]] (completed); [[Tombstone]] (completed); [[The Brothers Grimm (film)]] (completed); [[Crash of the Titans]] (completed); [[High School Musical 2]] (completed); [[Back to the Future Part II]] (completed); [[The Mighty Boosh]] (completed); [[Boston Public]] (completed); [[I, Claudius (TV series)]] (completed); [[The Nightmare Before Christmas]] (completed); [[Lee Evans (comedian)]] (completed); [[Entourage (TV series)]] (completed); [[Cheaper by the Dozen (2003 film)]] (completed); [[The O.C.]] (completed); [[Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest]] (completed); [[Home Alone (film)]] (completed); [[Frasier]] (completed); [[Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (film)]] (completed); [[Night at the Museum]] (completed); [[Toy Story]] (completed); [[The Little Shop of Horrors]] (completed); [[Almost Famous]] (completed); [[Gladiator (2000 film)]] (completed); [[Troy (film)]] (completed); [[Dude, Where's My Car?]] (completed); [[Edward Scissorhands]] (completed); [[Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl]] (completed); [[Nicholas and Alexandra]] (completed); [[Reefer Madness]] (completed); [[Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead (film)]] (completed); [[Ugly Betty]] (completed); [[This Is Spinal Tap]] (completed); [[Beetlejuice]] (completed); [[Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure]] (completed); [[Quiz Show]] (completed); [[Plan 9 from Outer Space]] (completed); [[Written on the Wind]] (completed); [[Rebel Without a Cause]] (completed); [[Rebecca (film)]] (completed); [[Close Encounters of the Third Kind]] (completed); [[One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (film)]] (completed); [[Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back]] (completed); [[Repo Man]] (completed); [[To Kill a Mockingbird (film)]] (completed); [[The Lady Eve]] (completed); [[Bones (TV series)]] (completed); [[The Cable Guy]] (completed); [[The Lost Weekend (film)]] (completed); [[Clerks (film)]] (completed); [[The Hustler (film)]] (completed); [[Twelve Monkeys]] (completed); [[Titanic (1997 film)]] (completed); [[Liar Liar]] (completed); [[Harold and Maude]] (completed); [[Dead Poets Society]] (completed); [[A Streetcar Named Desire (1951 film)]] (completed); [[Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (film)]] (completed); [[Zoolander]] (completed); [[Taryn Manning]] (completed); [[Clueless (film)]] (completed); [[Grease (film)]] (completed); [[Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles]] (completed); [[The Devil Wears Prada (film)]] (completed); [[Glory (film)]] (completed); [[Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas]] (completed); [[Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events]] (completed); [[Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories]] (completed); [[Grand Theft Auto: Vice City]] (completed); [[Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories]] (completed); [[Grand Theft Auto III]] (completed); [[Big Trouble in Little China]] (completed); [[Zero Punctuation]] (completed); [[Magnolia (film)]] (completed); [[Meet the Parents]] (completed); [[Starship Troopers (film)]] (completed); [[The Suite Life of Zack & Cody]] (completed); [[Six Feet Under]] (completed); [[Boudica (film)]] (completed); [[The Crow (1994 film)]] (completed); [[Galaxy Quest]] (completed); [[Men in Black (film)]] (completed); [[Clerks II]] (completed); [[Laura (1944 film)]] (completed); [[Command & Conquer: Red Alert 2]] (completed); [[Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3]] (completed); [[Command & Conquer]] (completed); [[Dave Chappelle]] (completed); [[Will & Grace]] (completed) =='''[[User:UDScott|UDScott]]'''== Completed:<br>''[[The West Wing]]''; ''[[Alias (TV series)|Alias]]''; ''[[Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Season 2]]''; ''[[Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Season 3]]''; ''[[Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Season 4]]''; ''[[ Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Season 5]]''; ''[[ Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Season 6‎]]''; ''[[Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Season 7]]''; ''[[It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia]]''; ''[[Apollo 13]]''; ''[[NewsRadio]]''; ''[[Three Days of the Condor]]''; ''[[It's a Wonderful Life]]''; ''[[Donnie Darko]]''; ''[[Stripes (film)]]''; ''[[Cool Hand Luke]]''; ''[[Joe Versus the Volcano]]''; ''[[Fast Times at Ridgemont High]]''; ''[[National Lampoon's Animal House]]''; ''[[Caddyshack]]''; ''[[Meatballs (film)]]''; ''[[Breaking Away]]''; ''[[American Pie (film)]]''; ''[[Bull Durham]]''; ''[[The Blues Brothers]]''; ''[[The Sting]]''; ''[[Kicking and Screaming]]''; ''[[Shakespeare in Love]]''; ''[[Primal Fear (film)]]''; ''[[Risky Business]]''; ''[[Blue Velvet]]''; ''[[North by Northwest]]''; ''[[Shadow of a Doubt]]''; ''[[Strangers on a Train (film)]]''; ''[[Rear Window]]''; ''[[Silver Streak (1976 film)]]''; ''[[Love Actually]]''; ''[[Mr. Smith Goes to Washington]]''; ''[[Jaws (film)]]''; ''[[Swingers (1996 film)]]''; ''[[Pulp Fiction]]''; ''[[The Last Picture Show]]''; ''[[10 Things I Hate About You]]''; ''[[The Big Bang Theory]]''; ''[[Glengarry Glen Ross (film)]]''; ''[[Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb]]''; ''[[Full Metal Jacket]]''; ''[[Lawrence of Arabia (film)]]''; ''[[West Side Story]]''; ''[[Dirty Dancing]]''; ''[[Aliens (1986 film)]]''; ''[[Alien (film)]]''; ''[[Gilmore Girls/Season 1]]''; ''[[Sunset Boulevard (1950 film)]]''; ''[[The Philadelphia Story]]''; ''[[The Shawshank Redemption]]''; ''[[Psycho (1960 film)]]''; ''[[No Country for Old Men (film)]]''; ''[[Cheers (TV series)]]''; ''[[How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (TV special)]]''; ''[[Hard Candy (film)]]''; ''[[Sixteen Candles]]''; ''[[Dazed and Confused]]''; ''[[The Godfather]]''; ''[[Reservoir Dogs]]''; ''[[Sneakers (film)]]''; ''[[O Brother, Where Art Thou?]]''; ''[[Jurassic Park (film)]]''; ''[[Independence Day (film)]]''; ''[[An American Werewolf in London]]''; ''[[Army of Darkness]]''; ''[[A Nightmare on Elm Street (film)]]''; ''[[The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951 film)]]''; ''[[Real Genius]]''; ''[[Gone with the Wind]]''; ''[[Ghostbusters]]''; ''[[On Her Majesty's Secret Service (film)]]''; ''[[The Untouchables]]''; ''[[The Usual Suspects]]''; ''[[When Harry Met Sally...]]''; ''[[Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory]]''; ''[[Halloween (film)]]''; ''[[American Graffiti]]''; ''[[All the King's Men (1949 film)]]''; ''[[Platoon]]''; ''[[Forrest Gump]]''; ''[[National Treasure (film)]]''; ''[[300 (film)]]''; ''[[My Cousin Vinny]]''; ''[[Léon]]''; ''[[Jerry Maguire]]''; ''[[The Sound of Music]]''; ''[[Dawson's Creek]]''; ''[[Braveheart]]''; ''[[A Fish Called Wanda]]''; ''[[Good Will Hunting]]''; ''[[The Omen]]''; ''[[Smokey and the Bandit]]''; ''[[The Other Boleyn Girl (film)]]''; ''[[Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan|Borat]]''; ''[[Heathers]]''; ''[[Office Space]]''; ''[[Pleasantville]]''; ''[[The American President]]''; ''[[American Psycho (film)]]''; ''[[The Godfather Part II]]''; ''[[The Wonder Years]]''; ''[[Kiss Kiss Bang Bang]]''; ''[[Road House]]''; ''[[Deliverance]]''; ''[[Die Hard (film)]]''; ''[[Groundhog Day (film)]]''; ''[[An American in Paris]]''; ''[[The Sandlot]]''; ''[[The Third Man]]''; ''[[Happy Gilmore]]''; ''[[The Three Musketeers (1993 film)]]'', ''[[Father of the Bride (1991 film)]]''; ''[[Blazing Saddles]]''; ''[[Dollhouse (TV series)|Dollhouse]]''; ''[[Wall Street]]''; ''[[Juno (film)|Juno]]''; ''[[Field of Dreams]]''; ''[[Grey's Anatomy]]''; ''[[Torchwood]]'' == '''[[User:Antiquary|Antiquary]]'''== ''[[The Fellowship of the Ring]]'' (completed); ''[[The Two Towers]]'' (completed); ''[[The Return of the King]]'' (completed); ''[[The Hobbit]]'' (completed); ''[[Green Wing Special]]'' (completed); ''[[Green Wing (series 1)|Green Wing]]'' [[Green Wing (series 1)|(series 1)]] (completed); ''[[Green Wing (series 2)|Green Wing]]'' [[Green Wing (series 2)|(series 2)]] (completed); ''[[The Wizard of Oz]]'' (completed); [[Seventh Doctor]] (completed); ''[[3rd Rock from the Sun]]'' (completed); [[J. R. R. Tolkien]] (completed); ''[[The Office]]'' (completed); ''[[Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Season 1]]'' (completed); ''[[The Collapse of the Third Republic]]'' (completed); ''[[The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (film)|The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy]]'' [[The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (film)|(film)]] (completed); ''[[Robin Hood (2006 TV series)|Robin Hood]]'' [[Robin Hood (2006 TV series)|(2006 TV series)]] (completed); ''[[QI]]'' (completed); ''[[Blackadder]]'' (completed); ''[[Star Trek: The Original Series]]'' (completed); ''[[Annie Hall]]'' (completed); ''[[The Road to Wigan Pier]]'' (completed); ''[[Seinfeld]]'' (completed); ''[[Nineteen Eighty-Four]]'' (completed); [[George Orwell]] (completed); ''[[Fawlty Towers]]'' (completed); ''[[Absolutely Fabulous]]'' (completed); ''[[Goldfinger (film)|Goldfinger]]'' [[Goldfinger (film)|(film)]] (completed); ''[[The Doors of Perception]]'' (completed); ''[[The Big Sleep (1946 film)|The Big Sleep]]'' [[The Big Sleep (1946 film)|(1946 film)]] (completed); ''[[Beyond the Fringe]]'' (completed); ''[[The Maltese Falcon (1941 film)|The Maltese Falcon]]'' [[The Maltese Falcon (1941 film)|(1941 film)]] (completed); ''[[Life of Brian]]'' (completed); ''[[Raiders of the Lost Ark]]'' (completed); ''[[Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade]]'' (completed); [[James Bond (film series)]] (completed); ''[[Animal Crackers (film)|Animal Crackers]]'' [[Animal Crackers (film)|(film)]] (completed); ''[[The Graduate|The Graduate]]'' (completed); ''[[Duck Soup|Duck Soup]]'' (completed); ''[[Monty Python and the Holy Grail]]'' (completed); ''[[Dr. No (film)|Dr. No]]'' [[Dr. No (film)|(film)]] (completed); [[Eddie Izzard]] (completed); ''[[Thunderball (film)|Thunderball]]'' [[Thunderball (film)|(film)]] (completed); ''[[Young Frankenstein]]'' (completed); ''[[You Only Live Twice (film)|You Only Live Twice]]'' [[You Only Live Twice (film)|(film)]] (completed); ''[[Airplane!]]'' (completed); ''[[The IT Crowd]]'' (completed); ''[[Black Books]]'' (completed); ''[[The Meaning of Life]]'' (completed); [[Fifth Doctor]] (completed); [[The Beatles]] (completed); ''[[Casablanca (film)|Casablanca]]'' [[Casablanca (film)|(film)]] (completed); [[Eighth Doctor]] (completed); ''[[Lawrence of Arabia (film)|Lawrence of Arabia]]'' [[Lawrence of Arabia (film)|(film)]] (completed); [[Third Doctor]] (completed); ''[[The Thin Blue Line (TV series)|The Thin Blue Line]]'' [[The Thin Blue Line (TV series)|(TV series)]] (completed); [[Sixth Doctor]] (completed); ''[[Ben-Hur (1959 film)|Ben-Hur]]'' [[Ben-Hur (1959 film)|(1959 film)]] (completed); ''[[Singin' in the Rain]]'' (completed); ''[[Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid]]'' (completed); [[Robin Williams]] (completed); ''[[Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs]]'' (completed); ''[[The Producers (1968 film)|The Producers]]'' [[The Producers (1968 film)|(1968 film)]] (completed); ''[[M*A*S*H (TV series)|M*A*S*H]]'' [[M*A*S*H (TV series)|(TV series)]] (completed); [[First Doctor]] (completed); ''[[The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy]]'' (completed); ''[[The Bridge on the River Kwai]]'' (completed); ''[[The Man with Two Brains]]'' (completed); ''[[The Simpsons Movie]]'' (completed); ''[[King Arthur (film)|King Arthur]]'' [[King Arthur (film)|(film)]] (completed); ''[[A Hard Day's Night (film)|A Hard Day's Night]]'' [[A Hard Day's Night (film)|(film)]] (completed); ''[[The Four Quartets]]'' (completed); ''[[Four Weddings And A Funeral]]'' (completed); ''[[Nebulous]]'' (completed); ''[[The Simpsons]]'' (completed). == '''[[User:Sceptre|Sceptre]]'''== [[Fourth Doctor]]; [[Ninth Doctor]]; [[Tenth Doctor]]. [[Category:Wikiquote maintenance|Wikiquote:Copyright Cleanup Project]] == '''[[User:Jc-S0CO|Jc-S0CO]]'''== [[The Mist (film)]] (completed); [[The Boondock Saints]] (completed); [[Midnight Run]] (completed); [[L.A. Confidential]] (completed); [[28 Days Later]] (completed); [[The Thing]] (completed); [[Crash (2004 film)]] (completed); [[Red vs. Blue]]; [[Firefly (TV series)]]; == '''[[User:EVula|EVula]]'''== Completed: [[Jeff Dunham]]; [[V for Vendetta (film)]]; [[The Nostalgia Critic]]; [[Star Trek: Borg]]; [[Spider-Man 2: Enter Electro]]; [[Marvel: Ultimate Alliance]]; [[The Proposal (film)]] == '''[[User:DooMDrat|DooMDrat]]'''== [[Red vs. Blue]] == '''[[user:Ningauble|Ningauble]]'''== [[Charles A. Kupchan]] (completed); [[Double Indemnity]] (completed); [[2001: A Space Odyssey]] (completed); [[Childhood's End]] (completed); [[The Last of the Masters]] (completed); [[Command & Conquer 3: Tiberium Wars]] (completed); [[Yellow Submarine]] (completed); [[The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe]] (completed); [[The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian]] (completed); [[Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen]] (completed) == '''[[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]''' == [[Twin Peaks]] (completed); [[Babylon 5]] == '''[[User:Sketchmoose|Sketchmoose]]'''== [[Futurama]] (completed); [[30 Rock]] (completed); [[Psych (TV series)]] (completed); [[Scrubs (TV series)]] (completed); [[The Office (US)]] (completed); [[The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (film)]] (completed); [[The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (film)]] (completed); [[The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (film)]] (completed); [[Pushing Daisies]] (completed); [[Sports Night]] (completed); [[Burn Notice (TV series)]] (completed); [[Coupling (TV series)]] (completed); [[Wonderfalls]] (completed); [[Monk (TV series)]] (completed); [[RiffTrax]] (completed); [[The Nanny]] (completed); [[Memento]] (completed); [[Best in Show]] (completed); [[Bringing Up Baby]] (completed); [[The African Queen]] (completed); [[The 39 Steps (1935 film)]] (completed); [[Chuck (TV series)]] (completed); [[Clue (film)]] (completed); [[The Prestige]] (completed); [[My Name Is Earl]] (completed); [[Community (TV series)]] (completed); [[Serenity (film)]] (completed); [[Better Off Ted]] (completed) =='''[[User:KyrieEleison|KyrieEleison]]'''== [[Carmen Sandiego]] (completed) =='''[[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]]'''== Completed Projects: ''[[Top Gun]], [[Robotech]], [[How I Met Your Mother]], [[Gattaca]], [[Battlestar Galactica (2003)]], [[Cool Runnings]], [[Down Periscope]], [[Mean Machine]], [[Armageddon (film)|Armageddon]], [[The Italian Job (2003 film)]], [[Air Force One]], [[Transformers (film)|Transformers]], [[The Transformers: The Movie]], [[The Rock (film)|The Rock]], [[Enemy of the State]], [[Black Hawk Down]], [[Coming to America]], [[Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country]], [[Batman: The Animated Series]], [[The Wedding Singer]], [[Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home]], [[Star Trek: First Contact]], [[Evolution (film)|Evolution]], [[Bruce Almighty]], [[Die Hard 2: Die Harder|Die Hard 2]], [[Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace]], [[Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones]], [[Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith]], [[Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope]], [[Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back]], [[Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi]], [[T2]], [[True Lies]], [[T3]], [[A Knight's Tale]], [[Call of Duty 4]], [[Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2|Modern Warfare 2]], [[Star Trek (2009 film)|Star Trek]], [[Sione's Wedding]], [[The Replacements]], [[Iron Man (film)|Iron Man]], [[Cars (film)|Cars]], [[Toy Story 2]], [[An Officer and a Gentleman]], [[Ace Combat]], [[Remember the Titans]], [[The Simpsons/Season 3|Simpsons S3]], [[Thirteen Days (film)|13 Days]], [[Call of Duty: Black Ops]] [[The Simpsons/Season 4|Simpsons S4]], Simpsons S1, S5 and S6, [[Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (film)|Prince of Persia]] [[Call of Duty: World at War]], [[Battle Royale]], [[Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 4]], [[Enemy at the Gates]], [[Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3]], [[Toy Story 3]], [[Grand Theft Auto: Vice City|GTA: Vice City]], [[Inglourious Basterds]], [[Full Metal Jacket]], [[Bully]], [[Red Dawn]], [[Gears of War]] and [[Gears of War 2|2]], [[Crimson Tide]], [[Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic|Star Wars: KOTOR]], [[Total Recall]], [[Mass Effect]], [[XXx]], [[Ghostbusters]] I and [[Ghostbusters II|II]], [[Titan AE]], [[National Treasure (film)|National Treasure]], [[Brothers in Arms: Road to Hill 30]], [[Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl|Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl]], [[Casualties of War]], [[Ratatouille]], [[The Terminator]], [[A Few Good Men]] (retrim), [[The Day After Tomorrow]], [[The Hunger Games (film)|Hunger Games]], [[Valkyrie (film)|Valkyrie]], [[Home Alone (film)|Home Alone]], [[The Dark Knight]], [[28 Days Later]] (retrim), [[WarGames]], [[Broken Arrow]], [[28 Weeks Later]], [[You Only Live Twice (film)|You Only Live Twice]], [[Diamonds Are Forever]], [[Batman:_The_Animated_Series#Season_One|Batman TAS 1]], [[Not Another Teen Movie]], [[The Waterboy]], [[The Incredible Hulk]], [[Captain America: The First Avenger]], [[Thor (film)|Thor]], [[The Running Man (film)|Running Man]], [[Fast Five]], [[Batman (1989 film)|Batman]], [[Capricorn One]],[[Batman Begins]], [[Ace Ventura: Pet Detective]], [[Metal Gear]], [[X-Men:_First_Class]], [[Pearl Harbor (film)|Pearl Harbor]], [[Rocky IV]], [[Star Trek Into Darkness]], [[2012 (film)|2012]], [[The Longest Day]], [[Contact (film)|Contact]], [[First Blood]], [[Rambo: First Blood Part II]], [[Rambo III]], [[Rambo (2008 film)|Rambo]], [[Bad Boys II]], [[Batman Returns]], [[Batman Forever]], [[Tropic Thunder]], [[Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.|Agents of SHIELD]], [[Volcano (film)|Volcano]], [[Iron Man 2]] (retrim 6/11/2020) and [[Iron Man 3|3]], [[Grand Theft Auto V|GTA V]], [[Outbreak]], [[The Wolverine]], [[Tomorrow Never Dies]], [[X-Men: Days of Future Past]], [[Final Destination 2]], [[Captain America: The Winter Soldier]], [[October Sky]],[[X2: X-Men United]],[[X-Men (film)|X-Men]], [[Star Wars: The Force Awakens]],[[Demolition Man (film)|Demolition Man]], [[Click (2006 film)|Click]], [[Rush Hour]] and [[Rush Hour 2]], [[The Longest Yard (2005 film)|The Longest Yard (2005)]], [[Captain America: Civil War]] (retrim5/24/18), [[Furious 7]], [[X-Men: Apocalypse]],[[Ali (film)|Ali]], [[Home Alone 2: Lost in New York|Home Alone 2]], [[Wayne's World]], [[Bowfinger]], [[Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls]], [[Chrono Trigger]], [[Patton (film)|Patton]], [[Rocky (film)|Rocky]], [[Predator (film)|Predator]], [[Rocky V]], [[Rocky Balboa (film)|Rocky Balboa]], [[Spider-Man: Homecoming]] (retrim), [[Ant-Man (film)|AntMan]], [[Avengers: Endgame]], [[The Fate of the Furious]], [[The Last Samurai]], [[End of Days (film)|End of Days]], [[The Sum of All Fears]], [[Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker]], [[Blood Diamond]], [[Entrapment]], [[Downfall (2004 film)|Downfall/Der Untergang]], [[Sgt. Bilko]], [[Bicentennial Man (film)|Bicentennial Man]], [[Star Wars: The Last Jedi]], [[Predator 2]], [[Ice Age: Collision Course]], [[Hobbs & Shaw]], [[In the Line of Fire]], [[Men of Honor]], [[The Pursuit of Happyness]], [[The Last Castle]], [[The Hunt for Red October (film)|Hunt for Red October]], [[Cars 2]], [[Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice]], [[Behind Enemy Lines]], [[Cobra Kai]], [[Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle]], [[Romy and Michele's High School Reunion]], [[No Time To Die|No Time to Die]], [[Top Gun: Maverick|Top Gun Maverick]], [[Escape from L.A.|Escape from LA]], [[Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021 film)|Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings]], [[Escape from New York]], [[GoldenEye]], [[Fantastic Four (2005 film)|Fantastic Four]], [[The Expendables]], [[2 Fast 2 Furious]], [[F9 (film)|F9]], [[Fast & Furious 6|F6]], [[Wayne's World 2]], [[The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift]], [[The World Is Not Enough|TWINE]], [[Bad Boys for Life]], [[Live and Let Die (film)|Live and Let Die]], [[Die Another Day]], [[A Bridge Too Far (film)|A Bridge Too Far]], [[A View to a Kill]], [[Licence to Kill]], [[The Rocketeer (film)|The Rocketeer]]'' </br> Upcoming Work/Work In Progress: ''[[Rocky_(film_series)|Rocky]] (II, III), all MCU films aside from those completed above, [[The Fifth Element]], [[Bad Boys (1995 film)|Bad Boys]]'' =='''[[User:Jennavecia|Jennavecia]]'''== ''[[Aladdin (film)]]'' (completed); ''[[Family Guy]]'' (completed), ''[[Family Guy/Season 1]]'' (completed) =='''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]]'''== ''[[Batman & Robin (1997 film)]]'' (completed); ''[[The Matrix]]'' (completed); ''[[The Matrix Reloaded]]'' (completed); ''[[The Matrix Revolutions]]'' (completed ); ''[[The Animatrix]]'' (completed); ''[[Star Trek: The Motion Picture]]'' (completed); ''[[Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan]]'' (completed); ''[[Star Trek Generations]]'' (completed); ''[[James and the Giant Peach]]'' (completed); [[Eminem]] (completed) To do: [[Star Trek III: The Search for Spock]], [[Star Trek V: The Final Frontier]], [[Star Trek: Insurrection]], [[Star Trek Nemesis]], =='''[[User:Sjones23|Sjones23]]'''== Completed: [[Dragon Ball Z: Bardock - The Father of Goku]] =='''[[User:Nadanon|Nadanon]]'''== To Do: ''[[Shake it Up!]]''; ''[[Everybody Loves Raymond]]'' =='''[[User:ProfessorTofty|ProfessorTofty]]'''== ''[[Final Fantasy XIII]]'' (completed, also heavily copyedited for spelling, formatting and grammar) =='''[[User:spawn777|spawn777]]'''== Progress: ''[[BASEketball]]'' (completed); ''[[Bad_Day_At_Black_Rock]]'' (completed); ''[[Beerfest]]'' (completed); ''[[Who_Framed_Roger_Rabbit]]'' (completed); ''[[Wrath_of_the_Titans]]'' (completed); To Do: ''[[Wallace_&_Gromit_in_The_Curse_of_the_Were-Rabbit]]''; ''[[Die_Hard:_With_a_Vengeance]]''; ''[[Die_Hard:_With_a_Vengeance]]''; ''[[Despicable_Me]]''; ''[[Despicable_Me_2]]''; ''[[Dickie_Roberts:_Former_Child_Star]]''; ''[[Dirty_Harry]]''; ''[[Dracula:_Dead_and_Loving_It]]''; ''[[Dumb_and_Dumber]]''; ''[[Enchanted]]''; =='''[[User:Miszatomic|Miszatomic]]'''== [[Friends (TV series)]], [[Everybody Loves Raymond]] [[Gears of War 2]] (completed); [[Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories]] (completed); [[Grand Theft Auto: Vice City]] (completed); [[Nier]] (completed); [[God of War: Chains of Olympus]] (completed) [[Saints Row]] (completed); [[The Simpsons Hit & Run]] (completed); [[Arcanum]] (completed); [[Killer7]] (completed); [[Brothers in Arms: Road to Hill 30]] (completed); [[Pac-Man World 3]] (completed); [[Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon]] (completed) [[Secret of Mana]] (completed); [[Resident Evil 5]] (completed); [[Grand Theft Auto III]] (completed); [[The Punisher (2005 Video Game)]] (completed); [[Pokémon]] (completed); [[Final Fantasy]] (completed); [[Doom 3]] (completed); [[Sly Cooper: Thieves in Time]] (completed); [[Ben 10 First Season]] (completed); [[Ben 10 Second Season]] (completed); [[Ben 10 Third Season]] (completed); [[Bowser]] (completed); [[Hiccups]] (completed); [[Assassin's Creed II]] (completed); [[Far Cry 2]] (completed); [[The Ultimate Enemy]]; [[American Dad!/Season 7]]; [[American Dad!/Season 8]], [[Resident Evil (Video Game)]] (completed); [[Dark Sector]] (completed); [[Thief (series)]] (completed) [[Rayman]] (completed), [[Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day]] (completed); [[Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree]] (completed); [[Grand Theft Auto IV]] (completed); [[Broken Sword]] (completed); [[Trauma Team]]; (completed); [[Suikoden III]] (completed) [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] [[Sealab 2021]] (completed); [[Punch-Out!!]] (completed); [[Prototype (video game)]] (completed); [[Deus Ex: Invisible War]] (completed); [[Deus Ex]] [[God of War (video game)]] (completed); [[Infamous]] (completed); [[Blood (video game)]] (completed); [[Dead Like Me]] [[Alpha Protocol]] (completed) [[Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion]] (completed); [[God of War II]] (completed) [[God of War III]] (completed); [[Drakengard]] (completed); [[ It Ain't Half Hot Mum]] (completed); [[The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker]] (completed); [[Shadow Hearts: From the New World]] (completed); [[Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic]] (completed); [[Game of Thrones (TV series)]] (completed); [[JONAS]] (completed); [[American Dad!/Season 6]] (completed); [[Brother Bear]] (completed); [[Wolverine and the X-men]] (completed); [[Wolverine and the X-men]] (completed) [[True Blood (TV series)]] (completed); [[Friends (TV series)]] (completed); [[Command & Conquer]] (completed); [[Open Season (video game)]] [[Spyro: Year of the Dragon]] (completed); [[Static Shock]] (completed); [[Peanuts]] [[Transformers: Animated]] [[Sonic the Hedgehog cartoons]] (completed); [[Marvel Nemesis: Rise of the Imperfects]] (completed); [[Sonic X]] (completed); [[Diablo]] [[The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess]] [[Open Season (video game)]] (completed); [[ICarly (season 1)]] (completed) [[ICarly (season 2)]] [[ICarly (season 3)]] [[ICarly (season 4)]] (completed), [[Biker Mice From Mars]] (completed); [[American Dad!/Season 5]] (completed); [[Code Monkeys]] (completed); [[Jimmy Two-Shoes]] (completed); [[Jonny Quest (TV series)]] (completed); [[Shake It Up]] [[Lexx]] [[The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy (video game)]] [[Goodness Gracious Me (TV & radio)]], [[South Park]] (completed); [[South Park/Season 2]] [[Clone High]] (completed); [[James Bond 007: Blood Stone]] [[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1]] [[Ghostbusters: The Video Game]] [[Squidbillies]] (completed) [[The Hills (TV series)]] (completed); =='''[[User:GeorgeBarnick|GeorgeBarnick]]'''== Completed: ''[[The Lego Movie]]'' =='''[[User:anseljh|anseljh]]'''== To Do: ''[[Blade_Runner|Blade Runner]]'' == '''[[User:Toadboy123|Toadboy123]]'''== Completed: [[Zhu Rongji]] == '''[[User:Mdd|Mdd]]''' == Completed, see also [[Wikiquote talk:Copyright Cleanup Project#Works of Søren Kierkegaard]]: * ''[[Concluding Unscientific Postscript to Philosophical Fragments]]'' ; ''[[Stages on Life's Way]]'' ; ''[[The Concept of Anxiety]]'' ; ''[[The Sickness Unto Death]]'' ; ''[[Fear and Trembling]]'' ; ''[[Repetition (Kierkegaard)]]'' ; ''[[Philosophical Fragments]]'' ; ''[[Prefaces]]'' ; ''[[Three Discourses on Imagined Occasions]]'' ; ''[[Upbuilding Discourses in Various Spirits]]'' : ''[[Works of Love (Kierkegaard)]]'' * [[Joseph Beuys]] ; [[Malala Yousafzai]] == '''[[User:Just A Regular New Yorker|J.A.R.N.Y]]''' == To do; [[Top Gear]]. 0hvq5vp0kcl59z2vqrqo0jghfmzcfqv 0 92203 3158057 3148487 2022-08-26T04:33:16Z 2601:645:C101:38A0:68E1:4A73:C05F:B0A1 /* {{w|WrestleMania XXVIII}} (2012) */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''WrestleMania''' is a {{w|professional wrestling}} {{w|pay-per-view|pay-per-view}} event, produced annually in late-March or early-April by {{w|World Wrestling Entertainment}} (WWE) (formerly known as World Wrestling Federation). It is considered the flagship pay-per-view event of WWE, as it is the most successful, longest-running professional wrestling event in the world and is nicknamed "The Grandaddy of Them All", "The Grandest Stage of Them All" and "The Showcase of Immortals." =={{w|WrestleMania I|WrestleMania (1985)}}== :'''{{w|Howard Finkel}}''': Welcome to Wrestlemania! <hr width=50%/> :'''{{w|Jesse Ventura|Jesse "The Body" Ventura}}''': Woodstock was to rock and roll, what WrestleMania is to wrestling. <hr width=50%/> :'''{{w|Gene Okerlund|Mean Gene Okerlund}}''': Finally, your men, in a very controversial match... :'''{{w|Freddie Blassie|"Classy" Freddie Blassie}}''': What do you mean "controversial"? He pinned him right in the center of the ring, didn't he? Did he or did he not pin him for the count of three? :'''Mean Gene''': Where's that cane of yours? :'''Blassie''': ''What'' cane? I...didn't have no cane! <hr width=50%> :'''Mean Gene''': All right, we're just moments away from the big one. When I say big, the battle of the titans. Big John Studd, Bobby Heenan, come in. Andre the Giant putting his entire career on the line. :'''{{w|Big John Studd}}''': Oh man, this bag is heavy man! This is what it was all about. $15,000 that we used for bait. John Studd, the only giant of wrestling. 7 foot plus, nearly 400 pounds of solid muscle. And this is what we wanted to prove to the whole world that I am the giant in a few short moments, along with this $15,000. You're going to see me in the ring and you're going to see the last match of Andrea because he retires if he can't do it. :'''Mean Gene''': Bobby Heenan, I'm just counting the money here. :'''{{w|Bobby Heenan|Bobby "The Brain" Heenan}}''': You know what we did, just keep your hands to yourself here. For $15,000 and a haircut, we are eliminating Andre the Giant from professional wrestling. Oh yeah, a lot of glad-handlers out here today. Keep your hands out of there pal! Only two people are going to see this money. That's Studd and myself. Oh, three, the people at the bank when we deposit the money. But not the Giant. :'''Mean Gene''': Stand by! It's upcoming. ''[to Heenan]'' I know. :'''Bobby''': He's retired, he's done, he's done and don't you touch our money. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jesse''': I've seen plenty of anticlimactic Super Bowls in my day, I've seen a lot of lousy NBA Championships in my day, but we definitely are not seeing...we're seeing the greatest spectacle in wrestling history right now. <hr width=50%/> :'''{{w|Hulk Hogan}}''': WrestleMania, Hulk Hogan, [[w:Mr. T|Mr. T]], [[w:Jimmy Snuka|Superfly Jimmy Snuka]]: we reign supreme, can you dig that?! =={{w|WrestleMania 2}} (1986)== :'''{{w|Lou Duva}}''': He's the prospect, I think of the heavyweights out there today, he the best prospect known. He's trained diligently, he's in real good shape. Heavyweight's one punch and it's all over. Tonight, he's in shape and he's going to do his job. Right Roddy? :'''{{w|Roddy Piper|Rowdy Roddy Piper}}''': I'm cute. I groomed my hair long, that way during the fight tonight, you can tell the difference between me and T. I figured some of you folks out there may get a little confused. I have got the absolute best coach in the entire world to train me. I've been down with Biggs training, with Spinks training. He went and got Smokin' Joe Frazier in his corner. Are you ribbing me? He threw a medicine ball at my belly. Didn't move an inch! I'm down to 219 pounds in 30 minutes. You see, he talks cheap! So you say Roddy, you're sitting there talking? I say this to you! I say if Mr. T can knock me out in this fight right here, I would not only quit professional boxing, I would quit and retire from professional wrestling, I will quit tiddlywinks, I will quit dating girls! ''[To Cowboy Bob Orton]'' I'd stick with you. I would quit it all! I right now say if T can knock me out, I will retire and I'm going to stick my head out there round after round after round and put it out there because as pretty as it is, he's going to shoot some punches, I'm going to be moving like that just like coach taught me. He's gonna shoot some more, I'm going to be moving like that. And another thing, you know Mr. T, I know you're a smart aleck. You come out with a kilt, but let me tell you something, never will I shave my hair like an Indian and paint myself black. Too-hoo! <hr width=50%> :'''{{w|Susan Saint James}}''': All right, [[w:George Steele|George]], eat {{w|Randy Savage|his}} leg! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jesse "The Body" Ventura''': Hogan, your ribs are injured, you're facing the biggest, toughest man I believe you've ever faced in your career in {{w|King Kong Bundy}} inside a steel cage. Man, I can't believe you'd do something like that as {{w|WWE World Heavyweight Championship|Champion of the world}}! :'''Hulk Hogan''': Well, you know, Ventura, I don't care what you believe, brother. You're gettin' paid to ask the questions. Whether my ribs are busted up or not, I'm gonna defend this World Heavyweight Title, man. It's everything I believe in, all those little Hulksters, and it stands for America, brother! Bundy's goin' down, it doesn't matter about the ribs, Ventura. And as far as Mr. T and Rowdy Roddy Piper: I'm gonna make a prediction that Mr. T's gonna come out on top because he's fightin' for what he believes in too; and Piper, just like a lot of other dudes out here ''[pointing thumb at Ventura]'', like you, Ventura, take a lot of shortcuts and go down awful quick! :'''Jesse''': I'll just say this: good guys don't always finish first. <hr width=50%/> :'''Howard Finkel''': Ladies and gentlemen, in the fourth round, the referee stops this bout, he awards the decision as a result of a disqualification to Mr. T! <hr width=50%/> :'''Piper''': If I wanted to come for a picnic, T, I would've packed a lunch. <hr width=50%/> :''[During the {{w|Stan Frazier|Uncle Elmer}} v. {{w|Adrian Adonis|Adorable Adrian Adonis}} match]'' :'''{{w|Cassandra Peterson|Elvira}}''': I have never seen so much cellulite in one place at one time, I don't think. :'''Jesse''': Between the both of them? :'''Elvira''': No, I was just talking about Adonis. <hr width=50%/> :'''Elvira''': I never trust a man who wears pink legwarmers. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby "The Brain" Heenan''': No more Hulkamania, no more Hulk this, Hulk that. It's ''Bundy''mania from now on. :... :'''Susan St. James''': Bundymania? It doesn't even sound good. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jesse''': Hulk is coming back with a tape of his own. Now, {{w|Alfred Hayes (wrestler)|Alfred Hayes}}, what do you got to say about the champion? :'''Lord Alfred Hayes''': Well, that's tit-for-tat, Jesse. What's good for the goose, is good for the gander. :'''Jesse''': I figured an Englishman like you'd come up with something like that! :'''Elvira''': You jealous because you don't have a [[w:Hulk Hogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling|cartoon show]], Jesse? :'''Jesse''': Don't you get on my case either, Elvira, or you won't go out with me later! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jesse''': Someday, sometime, he's gonna have to showdown with me. :'''Elvira''': If you win, I'll go out with you. =={{w|WrestleMania III}} (1987)== :'''{{w|Vince McMahon}}''': Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the magnificent Silverdome! And welcome to Wrestlemania III! And now here to sing America The Beautiful - the Queen of Soul - Ms. [[Aretha Franklin]]!!! <hr width=50%/> :'''{{w|Bob Uecker}}''': Little Beaver reminds me of a girl I went with about 25 years ago. She had the same haircut. <hr width=50%/> :'''Uecker''': Hey! You see what, hey! :'''Jesse "The Body" Ventura''': What happened there? :'''Uecker''': Little Beaver just gave Bundy a shot in the boiler. <hr width=50%/> :'''Uecker''': It's {{w|The Fabulous Moolah|Moolah}}! She's here! No wonder you guys are here all the time! The moon is full and so am I! I gotta get with Moolah! I'm leavin', see you guys later! <hr width=50%/> :'''{{w|Gorilla Monsoon}}''': Look at that, Jess. This is unfair, the outside help to get your man back on his feet. :'''Jesse''': You're calling that ''help''? He threw him right into the [[w:Junkyard Dog|JYD]]. :... :'''Jesse''': What's a manager for, Monsoon? :'''Gorilla''': A [[manager]]'s to give advice, not to physically get involved. :'''Jesse''': You're starting to irritate me a little. <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': Heavyweight champion of the world in the locker room just one hour away from his moment of destiny. :'''Hulk Hogan''': Well you know they said it was my last ride man! Yesterday when I finished hanging and banging. When I jumped on the Harley man. As I went thru the intersection. As I headed for the mountains, some of the nonbelievers in the gym said, "See ya later Hulkster, man! This is your last ride." It ate me alive brothers. When I felt the fury as I ripped, as I tore this shirt, as I headed for the sunset man, I looked down brothers, and as the sun beamed off the gold in my eyes, I realized that sooner or later, you gotta live and die and you gotta face the truth. And for you, Andre the Giant, it's time to face the truth brother. Because when I think about what you and I have to do man. What I have to do is nothing. All I have to do is merely beat a seven foot four 550 pound giant. But Andre, you've gotta face the truth brother. In its purest form man. The purest truth there is man. The training, saying your prayers, eating the vitamins. And to beat me man, You've got to beat every little Hulkamaniac, every little Hulkster in the world. Everyone that plays it straight. All the ones that don't take any shortcuts brother. And they usually say "If the dirty air don't get you, the politicians will." But in this case. It's going to be Hulkamania. And the reason it's going to get you man, it's the purest form of the truth there is. And I can't wait to see you go down at the feet of Hulkamania in front of 90,000 plus in the Silverdome. What you gonna do Andre The Giant when the real truth, the 24 inch pythons and Hulkamania runs wild on you? <hr width=50%/> :''[Bobby Heenan comes into the broadcast booth during the Rougeau Brothers/Dream Team match]'' :'''Gorilla''': The weasel has just snuck into the broadcast booth. What are you doing here, Heenan? :'''Jesse''': Welcome to ''Wrestlemania III''. :'''Bobby "The Brain" Heenan''': Thank you Jesse. First of all, I'll speak at any place. I am two for two, Monsoon! Two for two! {{w|Billy Jack Haynes|Billy}} ''Jerk'' did not beat {{w|Hercules (wrestler)|my man}}! As far as I'm concerned... :'''Gorilla''': Well, ''your'' man didn't win either. :'''Bobby''': Just a minute, I'm talking 'cause I'm on a roll here! What happened was he ''knew'' he couldn't beat Hercules, so he kept him outside; as far as the Brain's concerned, that's a victory, we win that one! The {{w|Harley Race|King}}—you saw ''him'' in the chair, he left with the crown; the miserable {{w|Junkyard Dog}}, he bowed, he curtsied, he did everything we said he'd do! I am on a roll, I am 2-0 :'''Jesse''': Bobby, I'd just like to say—and I went on the record with this—I thought that was the biggest cheap shot I'd ever seen, when the JYD hit the King Harley Race with that chair. :'''Gorilla''': Let me clear something up here a minute, Brain. You're one-for-three in ''my'' book—you didn't win the Hernandez match, King Kong Bundy lost. :'''Bobby''': I wasn't out there for that match. :'''Gorilla''': I don't care, he was still one of your men. :'''Bobby''': I don't care about midgets. I don't even deal with midgets. I don't like midgets. Forget that match. Talk about my career! What I am doing. I'm making history here at Pontiac Silverdome. 2-0! <hr width=50%> :''[After the Dream Team wins due to {{w|Dino Bravo}}'s interference.]'' :'''Gorilla''': I suppose you call that fair, Brain. :'''Bobby''': A win's a win. When you're at WrestleMania, you take what you can get. It's not easy. They got a win. I got two wins and I'm going to have three wins today! :''[Bravo and Johnny Valiant pull Greg Valentine out of the ring and leave {{w|Brutus Beefcake}} inside]'' :'''Gorilla''': Look at this. Look at these three beauties, they left Bruti inside.. :'''Howard Finkel''': The winners of this contest: The Dream Team, Brutus Beefcake and Greg "The Hammer" Valentine! :'''Gorilla''': Well, Beefcake isn't celebrating the victory is he? :'''Bobby''': Am I on a roll or am I on a roll? :'''Jesse''': What's the matter with that idiot Beefcake? They got the win. What's he arguing about? :'''Gorilla''': I don't know. A lot of dissension among the ranks of the Dream Team for sure. :''[Valiant, Bravo and Valentine get on the cart and leave]'' :'''Jesse''': Hey, they're leaving Beefcake! :'''Gorilla''': Look at this! They're leaving Bruti behind. :'''Jesse''': They're leaving him! I can't believe this. What's the matter with Beefcake? What's the matter with him? He gets the winner's money! :'''Gorilla''': What's the matter with Johnny V and the rest of his crew? Why are they leaving this guy behind? :'''Jesse''': I can't believe this. I can't believe Beefcake. He wins the match. :'''Gorilla''': There they go. Special match upcoming. The adorable one, Adrian Adonis and Rowdy Roddy Piper. A lot of interesting things led up to this one. :'''Bobby''': How am I doing, Monsoon? Huh? How am I doing? :'''Gorilla''': Horrible. <hr width=50%/> :'''Howard''': Ladies and gentlemen, at this time I would like to introduce to you a man who allegedly tells it like it is—Jesse "The Body" Ventura! :'''Jesse''': Hey, what are you talkin' about, "allegedly" tells it like it is. I ''am'' the man who tells it like it is! <hr width=50%/> :'''{{w|Mary Hart}}''': Can we just clear one thing up? It's very important for everybody to understand that {{w|Jimmy Hart|Jimmy}} and I are not related. At one time, I might have wanted to claim that, but since he has {{w|Dangerous Danny Davis|Danny}} on his team, and Danny is not exactly...I just wanna let everybody know that as much as I'd like to be rooting for {{w|The Hart Foundation}}, I just can't under the circumstances. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mary''': We're going to have to rename Dynamite, Firecracker if he doesn't shape up now. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mean Gene Okerlund''': With me at this time, manager Bobby "The Brain" Heenan, and I'm privileged to be standing next to the most extraordinary athlete of all time. He is not elected until this date to challenge Hulk Hogan for the Heavyweight Championship, and this afternoon at WrestleMania III, Bobby Heenan, your man, {{w|André the Giant}} will be doing just that. :'''Bobby''': You bet he's going to be doing just that. He's going to become the heavyweight champion of the world and I'll tell you why. First of all, the man is undefeated in over 15 years as a professional athlete. Hulk Hogan has never been in the ring or met a man bigger than him, stronger than him, taller than him, that weighs more than him, and with a burning will inside more than Andre the Giant. You see Hogan, few short hours from now that clock is ticking, and it's ticking in our direction, not yours. Hulkamania is over. Hulkamania is dead. The doors going to be shut on the history books on Hulk Hogan once and for all. There is a new Heavyweight Champion of the world. The odds on favorite in Las Vegas and all over the whole wrestling world, they're picking Andre the Giant. Nobody can defeat this man. Nobody even can come close to defeating this man. And Hogan, I know it's happening to you now because it's happening to me. The butterflies are in my stomach. The adrenaline's flowing thru my veins and I'm getting ready, 'cause I'm gonna manage the Heavyweight Champion of the world. And Hogan, hey you've had three good years. You've got nothing to look back on. But it's all over. Andre the Giant, the new heavyweight champion of the world. :'''Mean Gene''': The biggest Heavyweight Title bout of all time. Andre the Giant to meet Hulk Hogan. <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla''': Jess, I wanna go on record of saying ''you'' were one of the guys—you and the weasel-breath Bobby "The Brain" Heenan—who said that {{w|Ricky Steamboat|this guy}} would never step back in the ring. :'''Jesse''': Well, I'll go on the record, he surprised me. You know, they said he's got a lot of heart; but I personally say he's got a lot of throat, because it wasn't the heart that got hurt. <hr width=50%/> :''[Savage has sent Steamboat over the railing into the crowd]'' :'''Jesse''': What's Dave Hebner doing? He should be counting Steamboat right here. :'''Gorilla''': He's reprimanding the champion. :'''Jesse''': ''[As George Steele is helping Steamboat back in the ring]'' Yeah, but he's giving Steamboat a chance to recover and he's letting Animal Steele out there. Now look at, you talked earlier on about how managers should not be touching people and helping people–look what's going on out there. :'''Gorilla''': He's not a manager, he's a friend. :'''Jesse''': Oh that's different then. He should've been counted out by Dave Hebner, the referee. I've already counted to 20. <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla''': ''[after Savage kicks Steamboat in the head]'' Oh, he put his head down. I don't blame him, he's probably exhausted. :''[Savage runs at Steamboat, who backdrops him over the top rope]'' :'''Gorilla and Jesse''': OH!!! :'''Gorilla''': Backdropped right over the top. :'''Jesse''': That should be a disqualification. That was an intentional throw over the top by Steamboat to save himself. :'''Gorilla''': Just like the deliberate clothesline; I'd say they're even right now, Jess. :'''Jesse''': I tell you, you got an answer for everything, Gorilla. :'''Gorilla''': Well, that's why I'm here—to keep you in line. <hr width=50%/> :''[As Savage climbs to the top rope with the bell, Steele shoves him off]'' :'''Jesse''': Flagrant interference from the outside. :'''Gorilla''': The Animal pushed him right off. I think the bell rang Savage in the head, Jess. But the champ still in control... ''[Savage attempts to body slam Steamboat, who grabs the leg and rolls into a small package]'' No, small package by the Dragon. :''[Hebner counts to three]'' :'''Jesse''': No! :'''Gorilla''': He got him! I don't believe it! History is made! :'''Jesse''': You talk about a miscarriage of justice, Monsoon! Flagrant outside interference on the part of Animal Steele! :'''Gorilla''': History made here in the Silverdome for WrestleMania III! :'''Howard''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this contest...and NEW Intercontinental Champion: Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat! :'''Gorilla''': Standing ovation by this capacity crowd, Elizabeth was in tears, Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat the new Intercontinental Heavyweight Champion. :'''Jesse''': Well, all I've got to say, Gorilla Monsoon, is that Steamboat'd better cut that belt in half and give half of it to George "The Animal" Steele, because without "Animal" Steele's flagrant interference, "Macho Man" Randy Savage would've won; he had Steamboat pinned for 30 or 40 seconds. Deny that. :'''Gorilla''': But the referee was out of it, Jess. I'm not denying that fact. <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla''': I don't wanna hear the {{w|Honky Tonk Man}} sing. :'''Jesse''': Really? You'd rather hear {{w|Alice Cooper|Alice}} sing? :'''Gorilla''': Well, yeah, or anybody else, for that matter. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jesse''': I'd like to see Jimmy Hart get his hands on Alice Cooper. :'''Gorilla''': Please, are you kidding? All 101 pounds of him. :'''Jesse''': Hey, Alice don't weigh but about 112 and a quarter. :'''Gorilla''': Yeah, but Alice's got snakes, Jess. <hr width=50%/> :'''Howard''': Ladies and Gentleman, may I have your attention please? I have just been informed that we have a very special announcement and here to give the announcement is the World Wrestling Federation's own - Mean Gene Okerlund! :''[Mean Gene enters the ring to a huge round of applause and then grabs the microphone to make the history making announcement]'' :'''Mean Gene''': Alright, Ladies and gentlemen. We all are part of history in the making here this afternoon for WrestleMania III. I have come to the Silverdome, like you to be part of this historic date: March the twenty-ninth 1987. Thanks to our millions of fans all around the world, and a special thanks as we have established - all of us - a brand new indoor attendance record - of 93,173. Give yourself a big hand. :''[The audience cheers as the spotlights roam the arena]'' :'''Jesse''': Wow! :'''Gorilla''': 93,173 here in the Silverdome, Pontiac, Michigan. :'''Mean Gene''': Let's hear it! :'''Gorilla''': History has indeed been made. :'''Jesse''': Bigger than the Rolling Stones. :'''Gorilla''': You got that right. :'''Jesse''': Broke the record that the [[w:Rolling Stone US Tour 1978|Rolling Stones set in New Orleans]]. 93,173 — Gorilla, did they count you and I in that, or is it 175? :'''Gorilla''': I don't think they counted you and I, Jess. :'''Jesse''': Well then I think we should bump it up two more. <hr width=50%/> :''[Nikolai Volkoff is starting to sing the Soviet National Anthem prior to the match between The Killer Bees and himself and The Iron Sheik when {{w|Jim Duggan|Hacksaw Jim Duggan}} runs down the aisle and chases them outside the ring.]'' :'''Hacksaw Jim Duggan''': Volkoff. Volkoff understand one thing, you're not singing that Russian National Anthem. Because this is the land of the free, and the home of the brave!!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mean Gene''': Andre the Giant, just moments away from your stepping through the ropes and into the ring to meet Hulk Hogan in the biggest title match of all time. I want to get your thoughts. :'''André The Giant''': Gene, you see me now. And I'm going to the ring and believe me, it's not going to take me too long to come back right in front of the camera with the World Championship belt around my waist. :'''Mean Gene''': Bobby? :'''Bobby''': Oh I can feel it. Oh the adrenaline's going! This man right here is going to make me famous. He's going to become the Heavyweight Champion of the world, and I'm going to go down in the history books as the manager of the World's Heavyweight Champion. I'm ready. Hogan, you'd better be ready! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mean Gene''': Moments away from the biggest Heavyweight Title defense for this man ever. Hulk Hogan, you've got to be ready. :'''Hogan''': Well you know, I hope Pontiac, Michigan recovers, man! I'm glad I snuck in early last night, brother! I didn't ''realize'' the interstates, the Pontiac Silverdome was in danger! ''Not'' the 90,000 plus on the inside! It's the 90,000 plus on the outside of the Silverdome! ''Those'' are the ones I'm worried about, because when I get my hands on that big nasty giant, when he faces the truth, when he feels the wrath of Hulkamania, the day the whole Earth is going to shake! What are those 90,000 plus Hulkamaniacs on the outside gonna think? I'm not worried about the people on the closed circuit. I'm not worried about the people all around the world. They'll see it! But the intensity of Hulkamania, the way it's turned this whole state upside down, the way the whole world's turned upside down, ''what are they gonna think when the giant hits the ground, he feels the wrath of Hulkamania and the whole world shakes at my feet''? :'''Mean Gene''': We could conceivably blow the roof off this great facility, the Silverdome. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jesse''': ''[said at every WrestleMania]'' I wanna say hi to Terry, Tyrel, and Jade in Minneapolis. <hr width=50%/> :'''Uecker''': This is the main event of the evening. It is for the World Wrestling Federation Heavyweight Championship. Scheduled for one fall with a one hour time limit. First, the challenger, accompanied by his manager, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. He hails from Grenoble in the French Alps. He weighs 520 pounds...Andre the Giant! :'''Gorilla''': An awesome figure. The 7'5" frame of Andre the Giant who has literally been brainwashed by that man right there, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. :'''Jesse''': No, I disagree with you a little, Gorilla. The man has never had a championship title match. Don't you feel, in a 15-year illustrious career, that he should be granted one shot at the title? :'''Gorilla''': Jess, the man never, #1, asked for a title match, and #2, never ''wanted'' a title match. To my knowledge. :'''Jesse''': [''overlapping''] He—never wanted it? Well, to your knowledge is wrong, because right here he's got one, and he definitely asked for it—he ripped the shirt off the champion, as well as the crucifix. I figure that's a direct way of asking for it. :'''Gorilla''': Yeah, it certainly is, but all that came at the provocation of that guy right there with the white waiter's jacket on, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. :'''Jesse''': There he is: 7'5", 525, neck 24, chest 71, biceps 21, hands 16, wrists 11 inches, forearms 17, thighs 36, calves 22. :'''Gorilla''': We could be looking at the next heavyweight champion of the world. :'''Jesse''': And I just gave you the tale of the tape! :'''Uecker''': And now his opponent. He is from Venice Beach, California... :''[Hulk Hogan's theme song "Real American" is played]'' :'''Uecker''': Weighing in at 294 pounds. He is the World Wrestling Federation Heavyweight Champion, Hulk Hogan! :'''Gorilla''': The roof of the Silverdome about to explode here! As the Hulkster greets...and these 93,000 plus greet him. You're looking at the greatest professional athlete in the world today. The world's heavyweight champion. :'''Jesse''': For right now, Gorilla, he may not be a few moments from now. Let me run it down. Hogan: 6'8", 294, neck 21, chest 58, biceps at a phenomenal 24 inches, forearms 18, wrists 9 inches, hands 13 and a half, thighs 30 and a half, calves 20, the tale of the tape! :'''Gorilla''': A phenomenal individual. And Hulkamania— look at it, Jess. It's alive, and running well. :'''Jesse''': You got 93,173 fans standing on their feet for this one, Gorilla, and I hope my voice holds up! :'''Gorilla''': It's holding up just fine, Jess! And look at the Hulkster. What an unbelievable individual he is. And what a representative as the world's heavyweight champion. :'''Jesse''': This is the biggest match in the history of professional wrestling. :'''Gorilla''': No question. This is the final time, Jess—win, lose or draw for the Hulkster—to wear that particular belt to the ring. <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla''': Look at the stare of the champion against the challenger. The irresistible force meeting the immovable object. :'''Jesse''': Look at the size of the Giant! I mean Hogan is 6'8"! :'''Gorilla''': Andre is 7'5"! The bell has gone, this one is officially underway. Look at the look of disdain on the face of Andre. :'''Jesse''': What's Hogan saying to him, I wonder? What could Hogan possibly be saying to him? :'''Gorilla''': Certainly like to be able to read lips at this point. :'''Jesse''': He's almost, he's hulking up right now! :'''Gorilla''': Shove by Andre and the champion retaliates. Oh, big right hand blocked by the champion and the Hulkster unloading! Going for a slam! Oh, he almost got him up. Oh, he collapsed! One, two. ''[Hulk kicks out]'' Two count only. :'''Jesse''': Two count? Was that two or was that three? :'''Gorilla''': Two count only. :'''Jesse''': Ooh, that was close, Gorilla! :'''Gorilla''': Shoulder was up. :'''Jesse''': Oh, was that close. Andre thinks he's won it just like that. Hogan is hurt! Hogan went for a bodyslam early in the bout and he may have injured his back. :'''Gorilla''': May have hurt that lower back area for sure with that extreme weight of Andre the Giant. Referee showing the timekeeper that it was a two count and the shoulder came up. <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla''': He's hulking up, Jess! We're seeing what this guy is made of! What he is! The greatest professional athlete in the world today-- :''[Hulk Hogan scoops up Andre the Giant]'' :'''Gorilla''': Look at this! :'''Jesse''': HE SLAMMED HIM! :'''Gorilla''': ''[overlapping]'': HE SLAMMED THE GIANT! :'''Jesse''': I DON'T BELIEVE IT! I DON'T BELIEVE IT! :'''Gorilla''': Hulk dropping the big leg! Over for the cover! ''[Hulk pins Andre]'' IT'S OVER! :'''Jesse''': HE GOT HIM! UNBELIEVABLE! I never thought it could be done Gorilla! :'''Gorilla''': Neither did these 93,000 plus as the world's heavyweight champion, Hulk Hogan has proven to everyone what he's made of. :'''Jesse''': What can I say? I never thought it could be done, Gorilla Monsoon. :'''Gorilla''': He's thanking the guy upstairs Jess, as he always does. Let's get the official announcement. :'''Uecker''': The winner of the bout, and still World Wrestling Federation Heavyweight Champion — Hulk Hogan!! :'''Gorilla''': Listen to the ovation. He is truly a Real American Jess. :'''Jesse''': What could I say? I'm the man who tells it like it is. I'll give credit where credit is due. I never thought the man could ever defeat Andre the Giant. :'''Gorilla''': Never underestimate the ability of the World's Heavyweight Champion Hulk Hogan - he proved a lot of guys wrong Jesse. :'''Jesse''': That he did Gorilla. :'''Gorilla''': You're looking at a tremendous individual. ''[Andre and Bobby Heenan prepare to leave the arena, but not before Andre threatens Hulk saying "{{W|I'll be back}}"]'' :'''Jesse''': That's the first time in 15 years that Andre the Giant had ever been defeated. :'''Gorilla''': Ever been slammed for that matter Jesse. :'''Jesse''': Wow. And that's 525 lbs. and that's not dead barbell weight, that's 525 pounds of living flesh that he picked up and slammed. =={{w|WrestleMania IV}} (1988)== :'''Jesse "The Body" Ventura''': You know Uecker, if Vanna White is great taste then she's less filling then. :'''Bob Uecker''': Yes I'm really familiar with that. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jesse''': Hey Uecker! I'll bet you never saw anything like this when you were in baseball! :'''Uecker''': Nah, this looks like the final day of cut down day in Spring Training! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uecker''': ''[during the invitational battle royal]'' Dr. Frank Jobe would have a picnic at this thing. :'''Jesse''': Hey, Uecker, know something? :'''Uecker''': Yeah, what? :'''Jesse''': With your lifetime batting average of .200, that means with every swing, you could only hit one guy out of five. <hr width=50%/> :'''Uecker''': Well, at least the guys that went out first got their per diem money. :'''Gorilla Monsoon''': Well... :'''Uecker''': You know what I mean? :'''Gorilla''': Yes, I know. :'''Uecker''': It's the only way to go. :'''Gorilla''': Please! I'm going to have trouble broadcasting with the Body and Uecker here. <hr width=50%/> :'''Uecker''': ''[After Ken Patera eliminated Nikolai Volkoff, he gets Boris Zhukoff out as well]'' Hey U.S.A is in! Yes sir! :'''Jesse''': ''[Bad News Brown eliminates Patera from behind]'' Yeah there ''went'' U.S.A., Uecker. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jesse''': That's kinda like talking to the third base coach before you lay down the bunt, Uecker. Then again, in your case, Ueck, you gotta make contact with the ball. <hr width=50%/> :'''{{w|Robin Leach}}''': ''[reading proclamation]'' "Whereas the World Wrestling Federation has experienced certain extraordinary circumstances concerning the Championship, and whereas the World Wrestling Federation sought to establish a fair and just way to diligently determine who should be the undisputed WWF Champion, and whereas WrestleMania IV has selected as the specific site to determine who will be the undisputed Champion by way of an elimination championship tournament, and whereas the top 14 competitors in the World Wrestling Federation have been selected and paired and are present in readiness to compete, I now proclaim that the championship tournament should begin." With champagne wishes and caviar dreams, may the best man win. I'm Robin Leach and I do know why. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jesse''': You know what'd be unique that just came to mind to me, Gorilla? Let's say if {{w|Ted DiBiase|DiBiase}} advances here, and let's say Andre beats Hogan, that means that DiBiase and Andre would face each other...correct? :'''Gorilla''': Not necessarily—if DiBiase's victorious here, he has to meet the winner of the {{w|Don Muraco|Muraco}}/Bravo match. :'''Jesse''': Right, but let's just say that DiBiase wins twice, it could end up Andre/DiBiase; what will happen? :'''Gorilla''': Well, money will talk, I think, Jess. :'''Jesse''': You think Andre'd step aside, or will DiBiase step aside and let Andre go forward, feeling ''he's'' the unbeatable man? :'''Gorilla''': Well, it's possible, but he tried that before, and he knows that he can't get the belt without beating the champion. <hr width=50%/> :'''Uecker''': For what you did to that dog, the ASPCKGBY ought to be on you forever. :'''Bobby''': I don't have to take insults from you or anybody else. You talk about people writing in letters? You had over 700,000 votes to get into the Hall of Fame. You'd have had a lot more than that, but you ran out of stamps. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jesse''': What was your biggest weight that you wrestled at? :'''Gorilla''': 440. Superheavyweight. :'''Jesse''': 440. The heck did you eat when you weighed 440? :'''Gorilla''': Just about everything... :'''Jesse''': I know, you were on a see-food diet, right? You ate everything you saw. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jesse''': I know right where Vanna's at, but I just can't say my room number over the air. <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla''': It takes a man-and-a-half to do that. :'''Jesse''': What, to sit out there and pose? <hr width=50%/> :''[Tito Santana hits Demolition Ax with his flying formarm.]'' :'''Jesse''': Chico learned that move in the Mexican Football League. The MFL. <hr width=50%/> :'''Uecker''': Introducing first: accompanied by himself...uh-uh—he's got the big boy with him, Andre the Giant. Here is the Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase. =={{w|WrestleMania V}} (1989)== :''[On the Twin Towers—Akeem and the Big Bossman]'' :'''Gorilla Monsoon''': Biggest tag team in professional wrestling today, bar none. :'''Jesse "The Body" Ventura''': Well, I won't argue with that unless you've got a double, Gorilla. <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla''': Million dollar champion? Who did he beat? :'''Jesse''': I know who he beat. He beat the banker. <hr width=50%/> :''[During the match between Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake and Ted DiBiase]'' :'''Gorilla''': If you make a mistake in this league, it'll cost you the match. :'''Jesse''': But not the Million Dollar Belt. :'''Gorilla''': No, definitely not, because the guy wouldn't put it up. :'''Jesse''': Yeah, but you know, you think about it Gorilla, what is ''Brutus'' putting up for collateral? :'''Gorilla''': His reputation. :'''Jesse''': Aw, that's worth about two cents. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jesse''': ''[on the Bushwhackers' walk to the ring]'' Gorilla, I noticed you the other night walking through the casino looking like that. :'''Gorilla''': Me?! Walking through it looking like that? :'''Jesse''': Walking like that. Why is that? :'''Gorilla''': Was I? Well, sometimes it happens. You know, you get caught... :'''Jesse''': Were you hittin' the joy juice, Gorilla? :'''Gorilla''': No, absolutely not. :'''Jesse''': You know what that does to animals. :'''Gorilla''': Yeah, no, I never partake. :'''Jesse''': Here's two guys that look like they're on the joy juice. ''Some'' kind of juice. :'''Gorilla''': I tell you what, in your day, Jess, they would've been tough for anybody because they're so unorthodox. :'''Jesse''': What do you mean, in ''my'' day? When was ''I'' around, when Henry Ford built his first car? :'''Gorilla''': No, but you were around when I was still in the squared circle and I've retired. :'''Jesse''': No, no, no! :'''Gorilla''': You don't think so. I remember it quite well. :'''Jesse''': Look at this, they got poor Jimmy's coat, and these guys'd probably eat it. They probably didn't get enough to eat at brunch. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jesse''': You got to give Mr. Fuji credit. He ran that 5K run in a tux too. :'''Gorilla''': Boy, has he got you to be a believer! He wasn't even sweating in the end! He obviously got onto one of those pushcarts on the boardwalk and had someone push him around for 2 3/4 miles. :'''Jesse''': I can't believe the jealousy in you Monsoon. Fuji's out there training while you're [[w:Craps|throwing dice]]. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mean Gene Okerlund''': {{w|Rick Martel}}, what kind of an explanation do you have for actions out there?! You left Tito Santana high and dry! You walked away from your tag team partner! :'''Rick Martel''': Well, as far as I'm concerned, he just got what he deserved. I'm sick and tired of him, and I'm sick and tired of carrying him around. I was doing great when...ever since I've been in WWF as a singles wrestler, but no—Mr. Tito wants to ride my coattail once more. I'm sick and tired of him; I've been carrying him around too long already! :'''Mean Gene''': Wait a minute, Martel, you're out of line. Strike Force was supposed to be a team! A team! :'''Martel''': I don't want to be associated with that guy, he's a loser! You saw his timing was way off. You're lucky that being the gentleman that I am that I just walked off. That could have been a lot worse for you Tito Santana. I'm tired, I'm fed up with you! <hr width=50%/> :'''Howard Finkel''': Ladies and gentleman, as a very special attraction of WrestleMania V, it is now time for Piper's Pit! :'''Gorilla''': Oh, I'm gonna like this. :'''Howard''': Without any further ado, let me introduce to you a man who needs no introduction. A man who hosts his very own talk show named after him. A man who thru thick and thin has never backed down from anyone. A man who pulls no punches and does things his way. A man who when you say 'Rowdy', there's only one....Ladies and gentlemen... :''[Rowdy Roddy Piper's theme hits]'' :'''Gorilla''': Oh there's the bagpipes. :'''Jesse''': Well, it's been a long time since we've seen the Rowdy one Gorilla. :'''Gorilla''': I can't wait to get a look at him. ''{The curtain rises, but instead of Rowdy Roddy Piper, {{w|Bruce Pritchard|Brother Love}} appears.'' Wait a minute! :'''Jesse''': Ha ha! :'''Gorilla''': That's not Piper. :'''Jesse''': That's Brother Love. :'''Gorilla''': What's he doing with a kilt on? Come on. :'''Jesse''': Boy Gorilla, did you get taken for a ride on that one? :'''Gorilla''': What is this, some kind of a joke or what? :'''Jesse''': Fooled you. Fooled Howard Finkel. Fooled everybody. :'''Gorilla''': Take a look at those legs. Are we saying at this particular time that the Rowdy one is not gonna make an appearance? :'''Jesse''': I don't know. But he got scared of Brother Love. :'''Gorilla''': I doubt that very much. :'''Jesse''': Well, where would Brother Love get that kilt from? :'''Gorilla''': The same place he gets all those rings from. :'''Jesse''': Piper may be laying in the back beaten up by Brother Love. :'''Gorilla''': Highly unlikely. :'''Jesse''': And on top of that, with no pants. :'''Gorilla''': Aw please. :'''Jesse''': Or I should say no skirt. :'''Gorilla''': I'm sure we'll find out very shortly what's going on obviously a change in the order of events as to who is supposed to come out first. :'''Jesse''': Apparently, it's no longer gonna be a pit. It's gonna be the Brother Love Show. :''[Howard Finkel introduces Brother Love to the audience]'' :'''Brother Love''': I...love...you... :'''Jesse''': He's talking to you Gorilla. :'''Gorilla''': Yeah, well the feeling isn't mutual. :'''Brother Love''': And welcome to the Brother Love show. And as my special guest, I have a very special guest. His name is Brother Rodney....Piper. ''[Brother Love sits down on one of the stools and continues''] Brother Rodney, welcome to the Brother Love show. ''[Brother Love takes off his glasses, gets up and sits in the stool seated right next to him.]'' :'''Gorilla''': He's not playing with a full deck. :'''Jesse''': Look. :'''Brother Love''': ''[impersonating Rowdy Roddy Piper]'' Oh gosh Brother Love. You know, I gotta tell ya, it's a pleasure to be on your show. I watch ya every single week. Your on TV. Ya know, I love your show. I love it when ya say I love you just as much as you say you love me. I love it. I'm in awe. :'''Jesse''': Hey, not bad. <hr width=50%/> :'''Brother Love''': You know, brother Morton, I ''love'' you. But you see, that doesn't mean that I like you. :'''{{w|Morton Downey Jr.}}''': Let me tell you, Brother Love—any guy who wears a skirt, I don't want to love me. :'''Brother Love''': Well, tell me, Brother Morton, how does feel to be here on ''The Brother Love Show''? You see, ''I'm'' running the show here. :'''Morton''': You ain't running nothing, fat boy, with a belly like that. <hr width=50%/> :'''Rowdy Roddy Piper''': You know, Brother Love, with them cute little knees like that, your hair all breezed back, that cute little flower there, and that tie, the only thing that bothers me is that your face is red, and I don't know if that's high blood pressure, or you're just scared to death of me. :'''Brother Love''': You can't scare me. :''[Piper screams once, sending Brother Love back in a fright]'' :'''Piper''': Well so far, we know he's a liar. <hr width=50%/> :'''Piper''': Is there anything about you at all that may be from Scotland? :'''Brother Love''': I'm a little bit Scotch. :'''Piper''': If you're a little bit Scotch, then— Scotch, did you say? :'''Brother Love''': Yeah, Scotch. :'''Piper''': Scotch is what a Scotsman drinks. Now if you are any part of you a Scotsman, then...under that skirt there... :'''Brother Love''': This is a ''kilt''. :'''Piper''': No, no, this here's a kilt; that's a dress, baby. :'''Brother Love''': That looks more like a dress. :''[Starts to look under Piper's kilt]'' :'''Piper''': I'll bite your face off if you do that. Tell me. If you are a real Scotsman, then you don't got nothin' under that kilt there, do you? Huh? No, I mean it! If you are a real Scotsman, there ain't a lick of thing under there. Excuse me, I should rephrase that. I don't mean he hasn't got anything under the kilt, I should say you're not wearing anything. We all know you ain't got nothin' under there! <hr width=50%/> :'''Piper''': You know, there was, a long time ago, there was a great bass tenor, and he was your father. He was an Irish tenor. His name wasn't Downey. Why do you call yourself Morton Downey Jr.? :'''Morton''': That's the name your mama wanted to call me from the husband who reared me. :''[Piper steps away contemplating revenge for the burn, but comes back with a smile]'' :'''Piper''': Oh, my, my, my, my, my, my. Funny guy. Okay. Tell me something, Mr. Downey. You used to have all these nasty warts all over your face—big, nasty green ones. The only thing you could go out with was a guy who rang bells and used to walk ''[with hunchback] hello, nice to see ya.'' What happened to the warts? :'''Morton''': I gave them to a homeless warthog. :'''Piper''': I didn't know your girlfriend was homeless. <hr width=50%/> :'''Piper''': I'm gonna ask you one more time, please don't blow the smoke in my face. I'm talking to a guy, this is the guy here that said...''[Morton takes a puff and blows it out towards the audience]'' Thank you very much, that's mighty white of you. This is the guy here... ''[Morton takes another puff, and immediately turns and blows in Piper's face]'' You know, that's, like, the fourth time you've done that, and I'm goin' say this to you again. Don't blow no more smoke in my face. Do you understand that? :'''Morton''': Try it. Try it. You'll like it. ''[Morton slowly blows in Piper's face, who takes it in]'' You like it? That good? Think about that. That's good. That's good. That's good for you, that's healthy. Look, you could live as long as I have. :'''Piper''': You know something? You know, wait a second. I judged you wrong! That's true, that was kind of nice. Gave me that kind of aromas, early goat's flavor in my lungs, made my skin yellow. You know, would you happen to have one of those for me? I'd like to smoke one of them. Would you mind just lighting up one of them puppies, and give it on over to ol' Hot Rod here, would you? Do that for me. ''[As Morton's back in turned, Piper lifts and replaces a stool, revealing a fire extinguisher, which Piper picks up]'' Yo, Mr. Downey, give me that smoke, would ya? :''[As Morton turns around, Piper blasts the extinguisher in his face, sending him to the ground.]'' :'''Gorilla''': I think the fire's out, Jess. <hr width=50%> :''[Following the premiere of the trailer of Hulk Hogan's movie {{w|No Holds Barred (1989 film)|No Holds Barred}}]'' :'''Gorilla''': No Holds Barred. Holy mackerel! Jesse, I believe the Hulkster's invading your territory. :'''Jesse''': ''[outraged]'' How dare him step into Hollywood, Gorilla Monsoon! Let me tell you something, Hulk Hogan. Hollywood is my domain. But I can see why you're doing it. You're doing it, Hogan, because you're going to lose to the Macho Man! And when you lose to him, you're going to have no job Hulk Hogan! So you're going to have to come out to Hollywood? Try to invade my territory? It ain't big enough for the both of us Hogan! But if you want to come out, I'll give Hogan a job in Hollywood, HE CAN DRIVE MY LIMO!! :'''Gorilla''': Completely bent out of shape, Jesse Ventura. Talking about people infringing on his territory. Merely, the Hulkster's gone out and made a movie, the name of it, No Holds Barred. Boy, we've seen plenty of action so far here in Wrestlemania V. Of course, Demolition retaining their World Wrestling Federation Tag Team Championship belts and did it in a really good fashion, putting away Mr. Fuji. ''[Jesse returns]'' You're having second thoughts? It was very unprofessional of you, Jess, to just storm out of here like that. :'''Jesse''': I'm a professional, Monsoon. They're paying me big money to be here. I'll earn it and don't you give me no hard time. I've had enough for now! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mean Gene''': Hulk Hogan, the only thing I can say what a difference a year makes. A year ago at this time at [[w:WrestleMania IV|Wrestlemania IV]], you were at the side of The Macho Man when he became the undisputed World Wrestling Federation Champ. ''One year later'', here in Atlantic City, you're going to be challenging this very same man for the world crown. :'''Hogan''': Well, you know you're exactly right, Mean Gene! One year ago, brother, me and The Macho Man were as one! We were best of friends! We would do anything to win together, brother! And if you would've told me one year later right in the very same place that it started, in the Trump Plaza that we'd be locking horns, going head on head for the WWF Championship, I'd a called you a liar, Mean Gene! But you know something? I should've seen this thing coming, man. As {{w|The Mega Powers}} team was formed, brother, as the [[w:SummerSlam (1988)|SummerSlams]], as the [[w:Survivor Series (1988)|Survivor Series]] went down, as the Mega Powers started growing together, the Mania was a little bit ahead of the Madness, man, but it really didn't matter! You were either in, or you were either out, brother! You either believe, or you didn't, man! And you were either ready, or you weren't! The Macho Man made me feel that he believed in the three demandments--of the prayers, the training, and the vitamins! He made me believe that he was in my corner, Mean Gene! And he ''also'' made me believe that he was ready to fight all odds! That's why I stuck with him, brother. That's why we stayed together so long. :'''Mean Gene''': You know it's that relationship with The Mega Powers deteriorated even further...Macho Man Randy Savage went so far as to attack your Hulkamaniacs. :'''Hogan''': Oh, yeah! He did more than just attack the Hulkamaniacs, brother! He went so far as to put our manager, the lovely Elizabeth, right between us, man! It was ''him'' that eaten alive by the jealousy! It was ''him'' that was eaten alive by the lust, brother! It was a simple fact that The Macho Man couldn't be the man that all my Hulkamanics wanted him to be, brother. He couldn't handle the load! He couldn't handle the pressure! But what ''really'' tore us apart, was the way he was so jealous of Hulkamania. The way he put Elizabeth between us. The way he manipulated her. The way he twisted this whole beautiful thing around! But I found out one thing, Macho Man. You're not a believer in the demandments, brother! Brother, you're a cheap shot artist! You take whatever you can, get as quick as you want! You were never in my corner! You were always on the outside waiting for me to make the first move! But just like Donald Trump, Macho Man, I hope you're ready, brother, because Donald Trump has questions in his own mind! He sent a whole team of seismologists out here to check the foundation of the Trump Towers! Because, when the Mega Powers explode off the launching pad, brother, as we erupt over the whole Atlantic City, he was worried about the foundation! He was worried that the thousands of people in the arenas might become unseated and swallowed by The Earth! Donald Trump, don't worry about my Hulkamaniacs. They're survivors. They're ready. But ''you'', Macho Man, I don't care where you stand! I don't care what you believe in! All I'm want from you is your best! I want you to be ready! I want the Macho Madness to be at his peak, because when Hulkamania rules, when Hulkamania lives forever, when Hulkamania puts you down on your knees, I want the whole world to realize that I beat you at your best! And at the end of [[w:WrestleMania V|Wrestlemania V]], I will be the World Wrestling Federation Champion! '''''And whatcha gonna do, Macho Man, when the whole world full of Hulkamaniacs DESTROY YOU?''''' <hr width=50%/> :'''Jesse''': C'mon Gorilla, quit playing such favorites out here. Announcing... :'''Gorilla''': If the shoe fits, put it on that's what I say, Jess. :'''Jesse''': I used to like broadcasting with you. You're getting worse than McMahon. :'''Gorilla''': I am? <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla''': ''[on Sensational Sherri]'' She's comparing herself to Miss Elizabeth? Give me a break. The two shouldn't even be mentioned in the same sentence. :'''Jesse''': One's a woman, and one's a girl. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jesse''': I had a manager in 1981, Classy Freddie Blassie. :'''Gorilla''': Yeah, he took your career straight down the toilet. <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla''': ''[During a match between {{w|Allen Coage|Bad News Brown}} and {{w|Jim Duggan|Hacksaw Jim Duggan}}]'' Bad News looking for some additional help in the form of a steel chair. <hr width=50%/> :'''Howard''': The referee has disqualified both men! <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla''': Why does he keep badmouthing Elizabeth, Jess? Why doesn't he leave her alone? :'''Jesse''': She deserves it. She ought to be in his corner doing what she— hey, he took her to the top, Gorilla. :'''Gorilla''': He also slapped her all around in the dressing room. :'''Jesse''': Who the hell was Elizabeth before she got with Macho?! :'''Gorilla''': She was his manager! How do you think he ever got a title shot?! :'''Jesse''': Not from her! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jesse''': Oh he raked his eyes! I tell you, I don't know how the pukesters can cheer for this guy. He's as dirty as they get! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jesse''': If the Macho Man successfully defends the title, finally, finally we'll have two champions that I like. :'''Gorilla''': You're referring to Ravishing Rick Rude and the Macho Man? :'''Jesse''': Absolutely. Those are champions kids can be proud of. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jesse''': ''[on Hulk Hogan]'' Right there you've got a guy who will stoop to any level, he'll stoop to any level to get what he wants. =={{w|WrestleMania VI}} (1990)== :'''Mean Gene Okerlund''': I'm standing here with the {{w|World Tag Team Championship (WWE)|World Wrestling Federation Tag Team Champions}}: the awesome force of the Colostomy Connect... :'''Bobby "The Brain" Heenan''': Hey, hey, baldy, what did you call them? :'''Mean Gene''': The Colossal Connection! :'''Bobby''': No you didn't! :'''Mean Gene''': What did I say? :'''Bobby''': Never mind. But if you ''want'' to talk evacuation, fine. Because that's exactly where Demolition is headed. :'''Andre the Giant''': Right. :'''Bobby''': They're headed straight to the treatment plant. And gentlemen, we know how we're going to treat them, ''don't'' we? :'''Colossal Connection''': We're going to eliminate them! ''[Andre laughs evilly]'' :'''Bobby''': Come on! Let's get moving. :'''Mean Gene''': All right! The Colossal Connection—they're anything but regular guys. <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla Monsoon''': ''[as {{w|John Tenta|Earthquake}} poses]'' Reminded me of you in your younger days, Jess. :'''Jesse "The Body" Ventura''': Now, wait a minute. I had a little more definition than the Earthquake. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jesse''': Sean Connery was named "{{w|People (magazine)#Sexiest Man Alive|Sexiest Man in the World}}," and he has my hairstyle. :'''Gorilla''': I know that. :'''Jesse''': You know how I can't miss in Hollywood, Gorilla? I got Paul Newman's eyes, I got Kirk Douglas's chin, and Robert Duvall's haircut. How can I lose? :'''Gorilla''': But what do you have of your own, Jess? :'''Jesse''': ''[pause]'' ...And here comes Brutus. <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla''': Well, Tito can knock you out with that flying forearm if you know, Jess. :'''Jesse''': Yeah, a burrito will do it, too. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jesse''': They said "with a combined weight of 465 lbs." You're telling me that {{w|Dusty Rhodes (wrestler)|Rhodes}} only weighs 200?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla''': Look at this, {{w|Juanita Wright|Sapphire}} coming around to save— standing right in front of "The Dream." :'''Jesse''': Nail her, Macho! Jump right off on her! :'''Gorilla''': I can't believe you just said that. :'''Jesse''': Hey, she wants to play lumberjack, let her carry her end of the log! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mean Gene''': I find that you're tougher to get along with than a mother-in-law on a weekend visit to my house. :'''Bobby''': Don't you concern yourself about getting along with me. I'm the easiest guy in the world to get along with; but when you're 540 lb., 7'4", and it takes two and a half hours for the blood to reach the brain, you don't think real right! :'''Mean Gene''': Wait a minute, Bobby Heenan, where do you have the bal— the ''nerve'' to hit Andre the Giant in the face? :'''Bobby''': I'll tell you where I got the nerve to hit Andre in the face. You take orders from ''me''! I'm the head of the Family! You listen to me, you go to the top; you don't listen to me, you're never heard from again! You have just committed pal........... :'''Mean Gene''': What are you at a loss for words now? :'''Bobby''': No I'm not! We lost the championship! Because he stood on the apron, wouldn't get in the ring, wouldn't help Haku. Haku had to carry the load! I'm starting a new Heenan family. Ones that will listen to me... <hr width=50%/> :''[At the interview area]'' :'''Mean Gene''': Hulk Hogan, the greatest World Wrestling Federation champion of all time. Here we are at ''Wrestlemania VI'', the waiting's over, here comes the Ultimate Challenge. :'''Hulk Hogan''': You know something Mean Gene, you don't have to remind me and my Hulkamaniacs that at Skydome we're gonna face the Ultimate Challenge, brother. When we crossed the border from the United States of America to Canada, I was hovering over Skydome, brother, I saw what was beneath me man. I saw the greatest arena of all times, where the Ultimate Challenge will take place... and as we landed, brother, nothing but stark-raving Hulkamaniacs were there to great me at the airport. Nothing but positive vibes, man. Hulkamania is running wild like it's never ran before! But the Ultimate Warrior, you must realize that when you step into Skydome, when you feel the energy that's gonna run wild throughout the arena, those are my people. That's my energy brother and Ultimate Warrior, ''[points to his hand]'' this is where the power lies, man. In the power of the Hulkster, the largest arms in the world, and once I get you down on your knees, Ultimate Warrior, I'm gonna ask you one question, brother. I'm gonna ask you: do you want to live forever? And if your answer is yes, Ultimate Warrior, then breathe you last breath into my body. I can save ya, my Hulkamaniacs can save ya. We can turn the darkness that you live in into the light. We can save all your little warriors with the training, the prayers, and the vitamins. But I gotta prove one thing to all my Hulkamaniacs out there — it's not whether you win or whether you lose, the only thing that matters is what kind of winner you are or what kind of loser you are, and Ultimate Warrior, I sure hope you're a good loser, brother. Whatcha ya gonna do at Skydome when the largest arms in the world and Hulkamania destroys you? :'''Mean Gene''': Alright, the time is now. Hulkster, thank you; standing by is Sean Mooney. :''[Cut to the locker room. There we see Sean Mooney with the Ultimate Warrior, who's pacing around the room.]'' :'''Sean Mooney''': Thank you, Mean Gene. I'm with the reigning Intercontinental Champion, the... :'''{{w|The Ultimate Warrior}}''': ''[interrupting]'' Ahhhhh... You are nothing but a normal! You don't deserve to breathe the same air that I and Hulk Hogan do! ''[Throws Mooney out of the room]'' Hulk Hogan, I must ask you now as you asked me: do you, Hulk Hogan, want your ideas, your beliefs to live forever? For, Hulk Hogan, in this normal world, physically, ''none'' of us can live forever. But the places you have taken the Hulkamaniacs, the ideas and beliefs you have given them, can live through me, Hulk Hogan. That is why I breathe, that is why the Warriors have come. Hulk Hogan, there are ones that question where you are taking them. Do you no longer want to walk or step into that darkness? Hulk Hogan, the darkness I speak of is nothing of fear. It is about the beliefs... of accepting any and all challenges at the cost of losing everything, Hulk Hogan. You have lived, Hulk Hogan, for the last 5 WrestleManias for this one belief. Now, Hulk Hogan, I come to take what you believe in further than you ever could. I come, Hulk Hogan, not to destroy the Hulkamaniacs and Hulkamania. I come, Hulk Hogan, to bring the Warriors and Hulkamaniacs together as one as we, Hulk Hogan, accept all the challenges with all the strengths of the Warriors and the Hulkamaniacs together. Hulk Hogan, the colors of the Hulkamaniacs are coming through the pores of my skin... and Hulk Hogan... when we meet, Hulk Hogan, I will look at you and you will realize then that I have come to do no one no harm, but only, Hulk Hogan, to take what we both believe in to places it shall never have been! <hr width=50%/> :'''Greg "The Hammer" Valentine''': We're on our way to the {{w|Rock and Roll Hall of Fame}}. :'''{{w|Steve Allen}}''': Great, I'll call ahead and warn them you're coming. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jesse''': ''[on Hacksaw Jim Duggan]'' He just pushed the referee. :'''Gorilla''': He did? I didn't see that. :'''Jesse''': What? :'''Gorilla''': I didn't see it, I was looking... :'''Jesse''': What were you doing, filling your... Wait a minute... :'''Gorilla''' I was getting something to drink! :'''Jesse''' Did you stuff your face with a hot dog again?! :'''Gorilla''': No, I didn't have any hot dogs. :'''Jesse''': You've only had seven! :'''Gorilla''': Bravo taking the upper hand now. :'''Jesse''': You got mustard all over your lapels. :'''Gorilla''': I do not! :'''Jesse''': Look at you. You're a mess, Monsoon! <hr width=50%/> :'''{{w|Gene Okerlund|Mean Gene}}''': Jake "The Snake" Roberts, the match is at hand. :'''{{w|Jake Roberts|Jake "The Snake" Roberts}}''': Well, well, the Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase. Here we are at WrestleMania, and it's the biggest match of ''your'' career. Why? Because everything you stand for is on the line, namely the Million Dollar Belt. Oh yeah, it can be yours once again. All you have to do to get it back is go through Damian and me. But you see, Damian and I don't forget. We remember all the times you made people grovel for your money. These were people far less fortunate than you, people who could use your money for essentials, and what did you do? You made fun of them. You humbled them and you humiliated them. Well, now it’s my turn. I’m going to make you beg, DiBiase. You are going to get down on your hands and knees. This time, you’ll be the one that’s humbled. This time, you’ll be the one that’s humiliated, and this time, you will be the one that grovels for the money. And how appropriate, that the money you grovel for is your very own—a victim of your own greed, wallowing in the muck of avarice. :'''Mean Gene''': [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow|Longfellow]] couldn't have said it better. <hr width=50%/> :'''Allen''': ''[on Superfly Jimmy Snuka]'' I'll tell you how ugly he is—at one time, a vampire flew into his bedroom, took one look at him, and bit the bedpost. <hr width=50%/> :'''Allen''': I like Jimmy Snuka 'cause he's wearing my wife's underwear. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jesse''': Got him with the boot! :'''Gorilla''': Oh, he ''nailed'' him! ''[Hulk Hogan sets up for the Leg Drop]'' :'''Jesse''': Here it is! :'''Gorilla''': He... ''[Hogan goes for the Leg Drop, but the Ultimate Warrior moves out of the way]'' Oh, he moved out of the way! ''[In the moment that Hogan is stunned, the Warrior bounces off the ropes and hits the splash]'' Look out, the big Splash! ''[counting along with the referee]'' One... :'''Jesse''': Two... :'''Gorilla''': ''["Three"]'' He got him! :'''Jesse''': HE GOT HIM! :'''Gorilla''': Unbelievable! :'''Jesse''': THE WARRIOR'S WON THE TITLE! :'''Gorilla''': We have a new World Wrestling Federation Champion! :'''Howard Finkel''': The winner of this bout, and NEW World Wrestling Federation Champion: the Ultimate Warrior! :''[As Finkel says this, a downcast Hogan looks to the heavens and hits his knees in anguish]'' :'''Gorilla''': This place has gone crazy! :'''Jesse''': UNBELIEVABLE, MONSOON! What a battle, both ways! Hogan missing the Leg Drop, the Warrior capitalizing on it, and getting the three-count just minuscule seconds before Hogan could kick out! <hr width=50%/> :''[Later, Hogan brings the WWF title into the ring]'' :'''Jesse''': Look at the hushed silence going over the crowd. :'''Gorilla''': They don't know what the Hulkster's gonna do and neither do I. ''[Hogan presents the belt to the Warrior]'' Oh, look at this! Hulk presenting the belt and raised the hand of the Warrior! ''[The two men embrace in the ring]'' The Hulkster has just taken one giant step towards immortality! :'''Jesse''': Well, I gotta say this! At least it wasn't a [[w:Don_King_(boxing_promoter)#Mike_Tyson|Mike Tyson-Don King type affair]]! The man lost it, and he's going out like a true champion, Monsoon! :'''Gorilla''': Unbelievable Hulkster and unbelievable Warrior! :''[Hogan walks to the cart to leave the ring area]'' :'''Jesse''': I do believe Hulkamania ''will'' live forever! :'''Gorilla''': It absolutely will! :''[Warrior salutes to Hogan]'' :'''Gorilla''': What a matchup! Everything we expected and more! We have a new World Wrestling Federation Champion, the Ultimate Warrior! :''[Warrior raises the two belts in the air as the pyrotechnics began]'' :'''Gorilla''': This place has just erupted! Holy mackeral! Warrior enjoying his moment of glory! Hulkster taking it all in! For Jesse "The Body" Ventura, this is the Gorilla saying so long, everybody! =={{w|WrestleMania VII}} (1991)== :'''Jake "The Snake" Roberts''': The blind leading the blind? Even a fool knows that a man only has five senses. But a snake? He has six. We always do it better in the dark. <hr width=50%/> :''[During the {{w|The Undertaker|Undertaker}}/Snuka match]'' :'''Gorilla Monsoon''': Another headbutt by the phenom (Jimmy Snuka), slingshot - oh, nice, ''[Undertaker catches Snuka in mid-air]'' but look! :'''Bobby "The Brain" Heenan''': Look at the strength of this man! :'''Gorilla''': What a power move by the Undertaker. Never seen Superfly - oh - manhandled like this, look out! ''[He turns Snuka upside down]'' Tombstone city! ''[Undertaker hits the Tombstone]'' NO! ''[Undertaker folds Snuka's arms and covers him]'' It's all over, Brain. :'''Bobby''': I don't believe it. That is "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka! ''[the referee counts three]'' That's impressive. RIP! :'''Howard Finkel''': Here is your winner: The Undertaker! :'''Gorilla''': What an impressive victory here in WrestleMania VII for that man, right there, The Undertaker. :'''Bobby''': He's not even sweating. Services for Mr. Snuka. :''[This was the beginning of the greatest WrestleMania winning streak of all time by the Undertaker]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''[referring to Rowdy Roddy Piper, who injured his leg in a motorcycle accident prior to this event]'' "I've fallen and I can't get up." :'''Gorilla''': Why don't you stop! <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla''': ''[on {{w|Kōji Kitao}}]'' Kitao needs to make a tag to {{w|Genichiro Tenryu|Tenryu}}. :'''Bobby''': I think he should ''throw in'' the towel :'''Gorilla''': What towel? :'''Bobby''': Kitowel. :'''Gorilla''': ''Kitao'' is the guy's name. :'''Bobby''': Same to you. :'''Gorilla''': You'd have trouble with his name if it was Fred. :'''Bobby''': His name's Fred Kitao? Silly name for a Japanese wrestler, Fred. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': It's amazing that {{w|Lou Ferrigno}} can talk with 20 pounds of crackers in his mouth. :'''Gorilla''': Will you stop?!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': Here we are, humanoids, in sunny California — Los Angeles, to be exact. And you've probably been reading in the papers, and everyone's been seeing on TV, this is the home of the great LAPD, Los Angeles Police Department. And you've all seen what transpired out here, how some little ham-and-egger was hiding in the bushes with his little home video camera and he happened upon this [[w:Rodney King|incident]] and took the pictures of it. Well, I've got a treat for you, because you see, I'm gonna give it to you for zip. All you gotta do is get out that rented sofa with the spring sticking up, go over and push your VCR button on Play; we'll furnish the cameraman, and then you can see ''our'' brand of justice, the way Mr. Perfect is gonna dish it out to that Barney Fife, the Big Bossman. :'''{{w|Curt Hennig|Mr. Perfect}}''': And I will guarantee you this, that you will not find Mr. Perfect giving the Big Bossman 56 free swipes at me, Bossman. Because I'm cool, I'm the Intercontinental Champion, I'm cool as a cat, Bossman. Most people in my position might be on edge, thinking they've gotta climb into the ring with a 300-pound maniac. Well, Big Bossman, I'm the champion — Intercontinental Champion. I have all the tools it takes to be a champion: I have Bobby "The Brain" Heenan in my corner, I have the right body, I have the right looks, the ability. I am what I say I am, and I say I'm... ''[turns around. On the back of his ring jacket it says "Perfect"]'' :'''Bobby''': ''[listening to the viewers]'' They're saying it, they're saying it. :'''Mr. Perfect''': ''[turns back around]'' There's only one, you're looking at him. <hr width=50%/> :''[During the Hogan/{{w|Sgt. Slaughter}} match]'' :'''{{w|Regis Philbin|Regis Philbin}}''': Uh-oh. ''[Slaughter is handed the flag of Iraq.]'' :'''Gorilla''': What's ''this''? :'''Regis''': He's not going to plant that flag on the Hulk, is he? ''[he drapes it on Hulk Hogan and covers him]'' Oh no! Come on! :'''Gorilla''': Give me a break here! ''[The referee counts, but Hogan kicks out at two]'' It's not over yet! :'''Regis''': YES! Come on, Hulk! :'''Bobby''': He seizes the Iraqi flag! :'''Gorilla''': ''[Hogan, on his knees, starts ripping up the flag]'' Hulkster tearing it to pieces. ''[Seeing Slaughter coming, he stops ripping the flag and begins to Hulk up]'' Slaughter comes in... oh, look at this! :'''Regis''': ''[talking over Gorilla's last sentence]'' Uh-oh! Here he comes. :'''Bobby''': That man made a mistake, putting the flag on Hogan! :'''Regis''': Come on, Hulk, get up! :'''Gorilla''': ''[Hogan rises to his feet and parades around shaking his hair]'' That adrenaline flowing right now! The Hulkster seeing the crimson red! ''[Hogan had been cut open earlier in the match.]'' :'''Regis''': AH! ''[Slaughter pounds him, but it has no effect on Hogan. Instead, Hogan points a finger at Slaughter]'' :'''Gorilla''': Uh-oh! :'''Regis''': That's it. :'''Bobby''': It could be it. :'''Regis''': Here comes the warning. :'''Gorilla''': ''[As he says this, Hogan blocks Slaughter's right hand and pounds him with three roundhouses. Then he whips Slaughter in and plants the Big Boot]'' "You're not going to do that to me; you're not going to do that to the United States of America, and the thousands of Hulkamaniacs." Irish whip and the Big Boot! :'''Bobby''': No! Not here, please! :'''Regis''': ''[Hogan bounces off the ropes and hits the Leg Drop]'' OH! :'''Gorilla''': Hulkster off with the Leg Drop! The cover... ''[Hogan covers Slaughter and gets three]'' He got him! :'''Bobby''': HE DID IT! :'''Regis''': What a comeback! :'''Bobby''': He did it for the World Wrestling Federation, and for the United States of America! :'''Regis''': What a comeback! :'''Bobby''': Are you happy? :'''Gorilla''': I certainly am! History once again made here at WrestleMania VII - an unprecedented three-time winner of the World Wrestling Federation title. :'''Howard Finkel''': ''[speaking over Gorilla]'' The winner of this bout, and the NEW World Wrestling Federation Champion: Hulk Hogan! :'''Gorilla''': Undoubtedly, the most memorable night in Pay-Per-View history, and you are part of it. WHOA! :'''Regis''': What a thrill to see this, Gorilla! Never seen anything like it. A great comeback! Fans are going crazy. :'''Gorilla''': The gold once again around the waist of that incredible individual! =={{w|WrestleMania VIII}} (1992)== :''[ {{w|Reba McEntire}} has just sung the national anthem]'' :'''Bobby "The Brain" Heenan''': Boy, can Tito's sister belt one out! :'''Gorilla Monsoon''': Will you stop?! :'''Bobby''': That's Arriba McIntyre! :'''Gorilla''': It is not! :'''Bobby''': WOOOOOOO!!!!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''[referring to Sensational Sherri]'' That's my pin-up girl! :'''Gorilla''': I think you should see your occulist! :'''Bobby''': There's nothing wrong with my feet. <hr width=50%/> :''[Again refering to Sherri (and {{w|Shawn Michaels}})] :'''Bobby''': She is in love with that man. :'''Gorilla''': Yeah, but is the feeling mutual? :'''Bobby''': Pardon? :'''Gorilla''': Is the feeling mutual? :'''Bobby''': Oh, what do you think, she's there, isn't she? He doesn't allow any bim.... uh woman to be there... :'''Gorilla''': Bimbo? Did you say bimbo? :'''Bobby''': I didn't say that, I coughed. I said "Buimmmh". <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla''': ''[on Sherri]'' Who do you think does her make-up, Helen Keller? <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla''': Highly unlikely that you're gonna pin anybody with a side headlock. In all my years I've never seen anyone pinned with a side headlock. :'''Bobby''': I've pinned a few people with it. :'''Gorilla''': You??? :'''Bobby''': Yes. :'''Gorilla''': Where? In your dreams??? :'''Bobby''': I can beat you...I can beat any man a million different ways. I had a guy give up one time during instructions. :'''Gorilla''': Will you stop?!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla''': A hard-fought victory for that man right there, Shawn Michaels. :'''Bobby''': Someday he'll be wearing the gold representing the World Wrestling Federation. This man's the star of the '90s, Monsoon. <hr width=50%/> :'''Brain''': I told you, Monsoon, I don't think you can hurt the Undertaker! You know, death never takes a holiday. :'''Gorilla''': Why don't you stop? :'''Brain''': These things just come to me. I feel like I got two brilliant minds. :'''Gorilla''': Oh boy, I'm in trouble. <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla''': The strength coming from the urn, being held by {{w|Paul Bearer}}. :'''Brain''': What is in that urn? :'''Gorilla''': You're the guy that's supposed to find that out! :'''Brain''': You're supposed to know. :'''Gorilla''': You're a broadcast journalist. :'''Brain''': Aren't YOU a broadcast journalist? <hr width=50%/> :''[After the Undertaker Tombstones Jake "The Snake" Roberts outside the ring]'' :'''Gorilla''': Tombstone City! :'''Brain''': Oh, no! :'''Gorilla''': This place has gone bananas! :'''Brain''': I told you somebody is going to be hurt, and it's Jake "The Snake" Roberts. He broke his neck, Monsoon, I bet he broke his neck. :''[The Undertaker rolls Jake into the ring]'' :'''Gorilla''': He wants him inside the ring. :'''Brain''': He's out, he's cold, man, he is out. ''[The referee counts Undertaker's pin]'' 1, 2, 3. :'''Gorilla''': Holy mackerel. :'''Brain''': I've never seen Jake the Snake defeated that severely as I seen him at the hands of the Undertaker. :'''Howard Finkel''': Here is your winner: The Undertaker. :'''Gorilla''': How on earth are you gonna stop this guy? :''[The Undertaker improved to 2-0 at WrestleMania.]'' <hr width=50%/> ''["Rowdy" Roddy Piper and {{w|Bret Hart|Bret "Hitman" Hart}} have a staredown in the ring]'' :'''Bobby''': Two ugly people looking at each other. That's fun. <hr width=50%/> :''[On obtaining Roddy Piper's WWF Intercontinental Title]'' :'''Gorilla''': What would you do if you were The Hitman? :'''Bobby''': Well I'd have my agent buy it for me. And if that didn't work, I'd waffle him out back with a tire iron. I'd get it some way, any way I could. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': I remember when I was champion Monsoon. :'''Gorilla''': Champion of what? :'''Bobby''': The neighborhood! I had the prettiest date the whole block that month. Oh, you should have seen her. :'''Gorilla''': The only gold you ever had was in your teeth! <hr width=50%/> :''[Piper is about to use the ringbell on Hart, but has second thoughts]'' :'''Bobby''': USE IT!! USE IT!! Waffle him with it! You know the old saying, what the hell use the bell! Hit him! Give it to me, I'll hit him! <hr width=50%/> :''[When Roddy faced Bret for the IC title...after Piper showed some professional courtesy for Bret]'' :'''Bobby''': You know that show of sportsmanship....the respect for each other, the enthusiasm they have....makes me sick! <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla''': Virgil, of course had his nose busted by Sid "Insane" Justice. :'''Bobby''': I thought he had plastic surgery. What an improvement. :'''Gorilla''': Why don't you stop? <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': Maybe Elizabeth can go on Love Connection and get a date. Then again I think she's been on that show. :'''Gorilla''': Will you stop?!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Brain''': I'm Indiana's favorite Bobby. I could've gotten that high school team a win last night, not the guy they had running the ship. :'''Gorilla''': You couldn't even carry {{w|Bobby Knight}}'s towel. :'''Brain''': Who? <hr width=50%/> :''[Referring to locations receiving WMVIII]'' :'''Brain''': 30 countries? :'''Gorilla''': Yes indeed :'''Brain''': Spell em. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': I have a special announcement: Shawn Michaels has left the building. :'''Gorilla''': Who cares?! :'''Bobby''': I'll do it again, if you wanna hear it. <hr width=50%/> :''[Ric Flair is walking down the aisle, preparing for his title match with Macho Man Randy Savage]'' :'''Bobby''': You know, if you want to be fair to {{w|Ric Flair|Flair}}, you've gotta be fair and say that's a heckuva robe. Only a man as fair as Flair, would show up at Wrestlemania.... :'''Gorilla''': WILL YOU STOP?! <hr width=50%/> :''[Ric Flair has just lost the WWF title to the Macho Man and is backstage with Sean Mooney, Mr. Perfect, and Bobby ''the Brain'' Heenan.]'' :'''Sean Mooney''': This is one tough assignment that I'm gonna get comments from the now FORMER World Wrestling Federation Champion, Ric Flair.... :'''Mr. Perfect''': You just shut up Mooney!! This is the way it is. Macho Man Randy Savage, you call yourself a Macho Man? well what's so Macho, what an injustice. I'm not gonna stand around here say anything true Macho Man. You had a handful of trunks. The trunks were up, the stupid referee, a bad job officiating. Bobby, you saw what happened, did you see what happened?? :'''Bobby''': I just got down from the booth. He had your tights, I saw it, it's on camera, it's on tape, I got it. There's nothing to worry about. :'''Mr.Perfect''': There is something to worry about. :'''Sean''': There's some tactics that Ric Flair was using that are questionable. :'''"Nature Boy" Ric Flair''': What we have right now, is a MAN that'll walk around town tonight claiming to be the real World's champion. Claiming to be the second time WWF Heavyweight Champion, He'll be claiming it all!! ANd most of all, he'll be claiming the love of that jezzebel Elizabeth!! Now Savage, unlike a lot of people in the greatest sport of them all, we don't cry over spilled milk, we reassemble the team. The Money, the brains, the nucleus, and we say to our opponent..You did it once. Now let's see ya do it again. One time means NOTHING to my career. Tell 'em Mr. Perfect. :'''Mr.Perfect''': I'll tell ya what. One time means nothing Macho Man. Like your old lady, you're gonna be damaged goods, because this man has never taken a short cut in the world of wrestling. You Macho Man have taken a short cut. You had a handful of tights. We were out there, we were wrestling. This man was the greatest World Wrestling Federation champion of all time.[Cameras then show the ending of the match] Here is comes, let everybody take a good long look at it because they're all gonna see how the handful of tights. :'''Bobby''': Now watch you're gonna get a good look, look at that handful of tights. That's the champion. He's cheated. He don't deserve to have the title. :'''Mr.Perfect''': He's like his old lady. A Cheater. :'''Sean''': Well the way it stands right now, there is a new champion in the WWF... :'''Ric Flair''': Let's make it clear right now!!! We regroup together. Where I go, Perfect goes. It's all monitored by Heenan. And I got something for Savage..might not be tomorrow, it might be the day after, but I'm gonna beat you and I'm gonna beat you bad, and every time I see your old lady, I'm gonna kiss her on those moist...wet...lips. WOOOOOOOO! :'''Mr. Perfect''': Atta baby Champ. :'''Sean''': As you know this is not a very safe place to be. I'm out of here. Let's go over to Mean Gene Okerlund. :'''Mean Gene Okerlund''': Alright thank you very much Sean Mooney. With me at this time is the brand new World Wrestling Federation champion... :'''Macho Man''': Ooh Yeah! :'''Mean Gene Okerlund''': ...Macho Man Randy Savage along with the First Lady Elizabeth. Now some might say Macho Man that that was a questionable victory. You heard them talk about the tights and so forth. :'''Macho Man''': Oh, I don't even care. I don't even care. That's okay. It was just a '''''PIECE''''' of what I wanted from you Ric Flair. This is what makes you tick. This is what makes you tick. This is what makes you tick from the inside out & I just took a piece out of you. You haven't been beat up properly, but I'm gonna do that for ya yeah. This isn't all I want from you Ric Flair, I want the WHOLE Nature Boy - '''''I WANT THE WHOLE FLAIR PACKAGE!''''' call yourself the real World Wrestling Federation champion, well I guess I am now and what you did to Elizabeth, I guess you couldn't make me any madder than I was before I went to the ring but somehow ya did it. You made it possible. You made it possible. Now I'm gonna get the rest of him. I don't care if it's in the street, parking lot, doesn't even matter to me because I'll do anything to win, if I didn't prove it, I'll prove it next time. Ooh Yeah! :'''Mean Gene Okerlund''': Wait a minute if I may Randy, Elizabeth, after what happened here at WrestleMania, the fact that Randy defeated Ric Flair for the World Wrestling Federation title, in light of all the allegations that's been going on in past months, do you feel at this point that you're vindicated? :'''Macho Man''': Wait a minute [hands the title over to Miss Elizabeth] this is yours. Take it and go...AND THIS [Shows a clinched fist to the camera] is yours Ric Flair [tears his shirt off] Ooh Yeah! '''''THIS IS YOURS!''''' You can have all of me next time, do ya dare huh Mr. Perfect? You're not perfect, I'm not perfect, NOBODY'S PERFECT! I'm out of here. Ooh Yeah! <hr width=50%/> :''[After Bobby gets back from the locker room following the WWF Championship match]'' :'''Bobby''': Monsoon, I just got back from talking with Ric Flair. I'm going to make a statement. I'm going to make it now. I'm going to make it clear and to the point. You saw it, I saw it, millions and millions of people saw it; Savage had a fistful of trunks when he used it to pin Ric Flair. Now, a lesser person would quit, they would scream, they would make excuses; we are going to regroup and we're going to get the title back. It's just a matter of time. If we're going to be upset; if we're going to act emotional; well then, we're going to defeat ourselves. We're going to look at this as a positive message, and we are going to go forward and we're going to take that title and we're going to take Mr Savage out eventually. It's just a matter of time. End of conservation. :'''Gorilla''': Yeah? And how many of you will it take to do that? :'''Bobby''': It doesn't matter Monsoon, we'll get the job done. :'''Gorilla''': Mr...Mr Perfect spent as much time in the ring as Ric Flair did! :'''Bobby''': You discuss that with them. I'm a broadcast journalist... :'''Gorilla''': You're a liar! :'''Bobby''': I'm a financial advisor... :'''Gorilla''': You're a liar! :'''Bobby''': ...and I'm going to sit here and do my job like the gentlemen I am. :'''Gorilla''': You're a liar! :'''Bobby''': And if you don't like it, you can get outta here... :'''Gorilla''': You're a liar! :'''Bobby''': ...and take your microphone and your headset and you know what you can do with them (now getting hysterical) 'cause you're not going to get me upset!! :'''Gorilla''': You are upset. :'''Bobby''': You understand me?! You're not going to get me upset! :'''Gorilla''': Don't jump, it's a long way down! :'''Bobby''': Put 'em up! ''[Gorilla scoffs]'' Put 'em up! :'''Gorilla''': Boy oh boy, the Brain has really lost it folks. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': Instead of being thrown out of the ring, he should've done the pitching. :'''Gorilla''': Who should've done the pitching? :'''Bobby''': T.t..t.Tatanka. But then again, if the Indians had more pitching, they'd be a better team. :'''Gorilla''': Why don't you stop? :'''Bobby''': Did you ever say hello to Tatanka? :'''Gorilla''': Yes. :'''Bobby''': Did you do it properly? :'''Gorilla''': Yes.... :'''Bobby''': You said "Heyhowareya!" Heyhowareya!" :'''Gorilla''': He doesn't do that. <hr width=50%/> :'''{{w|Sid Eudy|Sid Justice}}''': See, we have a saying, and it goes like this: Do unto the man as he would do unto you...but do it first. : ''[Sid and Papa Shango attack Hogan]'' : '''Bobby''': This is it! : '''Gorilla''': This is crazy! : '''Bobby''': This is the end of Hulk Hogan. He don't have a friend left! : ''[a familiar music starts to play]'' : '''Gorilla''': Wait a minute! : '''Bobby''': What? : '''Gorilla''': That's the Warrior's music! : '''Bobby''': IT'S THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR! : '''Gorilla''': IT IS! : '''Bobby''': LOOK AT HIM! : '''Gorilla''': THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR! : '''Bobby''': Where did he come from?! Is here to attack Hogan?! What is going on here?! =={{w|WrestleMania IX}} (1993)== :'''Vince McMahon''': CAESAR'S PALACE! LAS VEGAS, NEVADA! SITE OF WRESTLEMANIA IX! HERE IS YOUR HOST, GORILLA MONSOON! :'''Gorilla Monsoon''': Welcome to Caesar's Palace! Welcome to WrestleMania IX and the largest toga party in the world! First time ever for me to have on a toga! I could get used to this! They'll be a lot of first here at WrestleMania IX! And here's one of them! Latest addition to the WWF Broadcast Team: Jim Ross! :'''{{w|Jim Ross}}''': Thanks very much, Gorilla Monsoon! Indeed it will be a day of first, ladies and gentlemen! My very ''first'' WrestleMania! First time that yours truly, from the great state of Oklahoma, has ever been in a toga myself! This is quite an impressive outfit! And I, too, could really get used to this! What do you think of these gold shoes? How would those play in Tulsa? What a day— My first day to meet a Centurion! ''[knocks on a Centurion's armor]'' And ''this'' guy is in great shape! Just a smile! But folks, we're gonna have a great time! Over 16,000 fans and a ''worldwide'' television audience— What a day it's going to be! ''Two'' tremendous main events you're going to see: Bret "The Hitman" Hart defend the championship against the 505 pound {{w|Yokozuna (wrestler)|Yokozuna}}! And indeed, Hulkamania will run wild when Hulk Hogan and Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake, The Mega Maniacs, challenge Money Incorporated for the Tag Team Championship. It is, indeed, the world's largest toga party! What a day we're gonna have! But right now, ladies and gentlemen, let's go up— You know him as Howard Finkel, but today...he's ''Finkus Maximus''! <hr width=50%/> :'''{{w|Rick Steiner}}''': We're gonna make Julius Caesar proud! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby "The Brain" Heenan''': I've never seen anybody thrown over the top rope like that and then waffled from behind by {{w|Afa Anoai|Afa}}'s stick. :'''"Macho Man" Randy Savage''': You forgot to mention that one of {{w|The Headshrinkers}} pulled down that top rope to help the situation out a little bit. :'''Bobby''': I didn't see it. :'''Randy''': I know you didn't, but I don't expect you to see it. :'''Bobby''': Excuse me! You've got on sunglasses and a hat pulled down. How could you see it? :'''Jim''': I saw it too Bobby, and I'm not wearing sunglasses. :'''Bobby''': Yeah, but you're from Oklahoma. :'''Jim''': What does that got to do with it? :'''Bobby''': You don't know anything! :'''Randy''': He's got a built in excuse for everything. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim''': Here's a cover by Luger, 1, 2, and Luger's feet were on the ropes, good call. :'''Randy''': Yeah good call. :'''Bobby''': ''[sarcastically]'' Good call. That's great. Really good. Good Call. :'''Randy''': That's Heenan's voice. I bet you can't tell that. <hr width=50%/> :'''Howard Finkel''': Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner as a result of a disqualification: The Undertaker! :'''Bobby''': Oh come on! For what? :''[Undertaker improves to 3-0 at WrestleMania.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Mean Gene Okerlund''': I can't think of a better individual who can share with us his perspective regarding just who is gonna be the new World Wrestling Federation Champion. Four-time Champion himself, Hulk Ho... ''[seeing Hulk's black eye]'' You know, Ted DiBiase said something about it. What in the world happened? :'''Hulk Hogan''': Well, you know something, Mean Gene? I just left the WWF Champion's dressing room, Bret "The Hitman" Hart, and the one thought I wanted to leave him with was that all the Hulkamaniacs and Hulk Hogan are in his corner. But you know, the last couple months, these seem to be the times when people do step over the line. First off, with my bionic brother Brutus. And then last night leaving the gym here in Vegas, I guess money ''can'' buy certain liberties around this town. They took it out on the Hulkster, brother. But all the little Hulkamaniacs pushed me towards the ring. :You know, Bret Hart, a little warning to the wise, brother. You're a brother, you're a Hulkamaniac, and since so many people are stepping over the line, I want you to watch this Yokozuna and Mr. Fuji like a cat, brother; I want you to watch every move; and I also want you to know, brother, that me and all my Hulkamaniacs are on your side. :But as I looked into the eyes of Bret Hart just a few minutes ago, Mean Gene, I know the power of Hulkamania, I know the greatness of Hulkamania, and as I looked into Bret Hart's eyes, I even questioned Hulkamania's own greatness. That's why right now, Bret Hart, I'm issuing a challenge to either you or the Jap, brother! Whoever wins that WWF Title, I want the first shot at it. But let me tell you something, Mean Gene. With me, all my Hulkamaniacs, and the attitude that Bret Hart has, I guarantee you, dude, the WWF Title is staying right here in the WWF, right here in the US of A. And what you gonna do?! <hr width=50%/> =={{w|WrestleMania X}} (1994)== :'''{{w|Jerry Lawler|Jerry "The King" Lawler}}''': Was that {{w|Little Richard}} singing or was his underwear too tight? :''[Mr. Fuji hits Randy Savage with the flagpole]'' :'''Vince McMahon''': Oh no! Did you see that? :'''Jerry''': No I was looking at the president. <hr width=50%/> :'''{{w|Todd Pettengill}}''': Boy, ''this'' is a tough job here. Todd Pettengill with {{w|Rhonda Shear}}, host of ''Up All Night'' on USA. This is great. :'''Rhonda Shear''': I'm so excited to be... :'''"The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels''': ''[shoving Todd out of the picture]'' All right, Pettengill, out of the way. Everyone knows why Rhonda Shear's here, and that's to be with the Heartbreak Kid. Everyone knows we're an item. Now, photographer, I'm got him here. :'''Rhonda''': Yes, yes. :'''Shawn''': On three, I want you to say cheese, all right? :'''Rhonda''': Did you miss me? :'''Shawn''': One, two, three, ch... ''[The photographer is shoved down by {{w|Burt Reynolds}}]'' Hey, what's going... :'''Rhonda''': ''[giddy]'' Burt Reynolds? Burt Reynolds! Burt Reynolds! Hi, I'm Rhonda Shear. :'''Burt Reynolds''': Hi. :'''Shawn''': Hey, Mr. Reynolds? Hey, she's mine. :'''Burt''': Would you get that chest shaved? It's really ugly. :'''Shawn''': ''[pulling down Burt's jacket zipper, revealing a shirt and tie]'' What have ''you'' got in there? ''[Leaves in a huff]'' Oh, come on. :'''Burt''': Go. Never come back. :'''Rhonda''': Burt, you give me the vapors, but you also keep me ''up'' all night. :'''Burt''': You keep ''me'' up all night; wish there was something we could do about that. You know what I'd like to do? :'''Rhonda''': What? What? :'''Burt''': I'd like to go to FanFest. :'''Rhonda''': Oh, will you take me, please? :'''Burt''': I'll take you wherever you want to go. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry''': I heard {{w|Nelson Frazier, Jr.|Mabel}} was baptized at Sea World. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry''': You have to pin Mo because Mabel is so fat, you try to cover him and your ears pop. <hr width=50%/> :'''Todd''': Obviously, Yokozuna is still the Champion, but he was down, laying in that ring. You gotta admit that. :'''{{w|Jim Cornette}}''': Who's got the belt? Who's still the Champion? That's all you need to know, Petting Zoo! Let me tell you something right now! Lex Luger, you thought you had everything well in hand, just like a purring kitten. But you found out, in the immortal words of the great poet and philosopher {{w|Ian Anderson}}, "{{w|Bungle in the Jungle|he who made kittens, put snakes in the grass.}}" :And I thought Mr. Perfect did a wonderful job officiating. I thought he was fair and square and right down the middle. Remember, the special referees were agreed upon by ''both'' parties, Luger. :Now as to Bret Hart, let me explain something to ''you'', punk! It's no longer a question of whether you're gonna come out of this match with the World Wrestling Federation Title. No, it's a question of whether you're gonna come out of this match with your health, your body, and your career intact. Because you've gotta get in that ring, Bret Hart, and you've gotta think to yourself, you've gotta have the pain, the agony, the degradation, the humiliation of being beaten by your own brother on worldwide pay-per-view, all that running through your mind. And you've gotta have the pain of that knee—don't think we didn't notice it—the pain of that knee that you injured—who knows how badly—coursing through your body, affecting your judgment, clouding your instincts. :So Bret Hart, you are going to have to come to terms with, you are going to have to deal with the fact that it's no longer a matter of you trying to win the title; it's a matter of you trying to keep yourself in one piece when you climb in the ring and you look into the eyes of the monster: the most powerful, the most intimidating, the most dominant force that's ever existed in wrestling history - the Great, Mighty Yokozuna, still the World Wrestling Federation Champion. :So Bret Hart, you talk about waking a sleeping giant? He's not only awake; but he's mad, he's enraged, he's furious, and he's hungry! He's hungry and he wants to be fed! And Bret Hart, he's going be the shark, the wrestling ring's gonna be the ocean, and you, Bret Hart, are going to be the blood poured into the water that kicks off the feeding frenzy! He's going to chew you up and spit you out, Hart! And your career may be over at the biggest WrestleMania of all-time. I can't wait to see it happen! :'''Yokozuna''': BANZAI! <hr width=50%/> :''[ {{w|Scott Hall|Razor Ramon}} walks under a ladder as he comes to the ring for his ladder match]'' :'''Vince''': Did you see what he just did? :'''Jerry''': That's bad luck! :'''Vince''': Well, you can bet he did it for a reason- :'''Jerry''': Yeah! He's stupid! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry''': Would you walk under a ladder, McMahon? Would you break a mirror? Well, with your face you might break a mirror... <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': ''[as Yokozuna prepares a Banzai Drop on Bret Hart]'' Yokozuna's going up. Bret Hart is not moving. ''[Yokozuna loses his balance and falls off the rope, Bret getting away just in time]'' Wait a minute, he's losing his balance! He just lost his balance on the rope! :'''Jerry''': What?! He's hit his head! :'''Vince''': ''[Bret crawls to Yokozuna and covers him as Piper counts]'' 1, 2, 3! :'''Jerry''': No! No! No way! :''[Piper puts the belt on Bret and points down]'' :'''Vince''': We have a new champion! :'''Jerry''': No way! :'''Vince''': Yokozuna can't believe it. :'''Burt''': The winner of the bout and new World Wrestling Federation Champion: Bret "The Hitman" Hart! <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': They have seen a new World Wrestling Federation Champion crowned! :'''Jerry''': No! :'''Vince''': We are witnessing, ladies and gentlemen, a brand new era! We are witnessing the blastoff of the next decade in the World Wrestling Federation! =={{w|WrestleMania XI}} (1995)== :'''{{w|Nicholas Turturro}}''': Bob? :'''{{w|Bob Backlund}}''': What's the meaning of this intrusion?! That's what's wrong with America today! You people with cameras! You think you can intrude on anybody at anytime! :'''Nicholas''': Bob, I'm sorry. I was just trying to find out about Pamela Anderson. She's been missing. Sorry to bother... :'''Bob''': Who? :'''Nicholas''': Pamela Anderson. :'''Bob''': Who's Pamela Anderson?! :'''{{w|Jonathan Taylor Thomas}}''': ''[making his move]'' Mr. Backlund, check and mate, thank you. :'''Bob''': That's what's wrong with society today! All these young people taking advantage of their elders and showing no respect! Who's the 34th President of the United States?! :'''Jonathan''': Eisenhower. :'''Bob''': What's the capitol of Honduras?! :'''Jonathan''': Tegucigapla. [''sic''] :'''Bob''': Who's the chief justice of the United States Supreme Court?! :'''Jonathan''': William Rehnquist. :'''Bob''': That's what's wrong with the world!!! They think they know it all!!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince McMahon''': ''[as he watches Undertaker enter the arena]'' The Undertaker, a man who has never lost at WrestleMania! <hr width=50%/> :''[As {{w|Bam Bam Bigelow}} has {{w|Lawrence Taylor}} in a Boston Crab]'' :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': A Boston Crab on a New York Giant. I love it! =={{w|WrestleMania XII}} (1996)== :'''{{w|Kevin Nash|Diesel}}''': I'm the shit, man! I'm telling ya! <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince McMahon''': Shawn Michaels won five Slammy Awards last night. :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': I heard he dedicated one of those Slammys to Jose Lothario. :'''Vince''': That's right. :'''Jerry''': I bet you'll probally see it in a pawn shop in Tijuana tomorrow. <hr width=50%/> :''[Explaining the rules of the Ironman match]'' :'''{{w|Earl Hebner}}''': Gentlemen, this match is for the World Wrestling Federation Championship. This is an Iron Man match. You will be wrestling for 60 minutes. :'''Vince''': Wow. :'''Hebner''': The man who wins the most decisions will be declared the winner and the World Wrestling Federation Champion. :'''Vince''': Hitman's cool. :'''Hebner''': A decision can be earned by a pinfall, a submission, a countout, or a disqualification. You MUST... ''must'' break on the count of 4; I ''will'' disqualify you on the count of 5. If you leave the ring, or if you're thrown out, you have a 10-count to return, or you'll be counted out. Do you gentlemen both understand the rules? :'''Vince''': ''[Bret Hart winks at someone, then both nod their heads]'' Oh, the Hitman, ever confident. :'''Hebner''': Are there any questions? :'''Vince''': ''[Both shake their heads "no"]'' No questions from either individual. :'''Hebner''': Good luck to both of you. <hr width=50%/> :''[After the 60 minute time limit has expired, ring announcer Howard Finkel announces that the match must continue.] :''[Bret Hart exits the ring after retrieving his championship belt]'' :'''Howard Finkel''': Ladies and gentleman, may I have your attention, please. The 60 minute time limit has expired. However, this match has been ordered to ''continue...'' :''[Bret Hart looks back to the ring in disbelief, yelling: "Why?"]'' :'''Howard''': ''...under sudden death rules''. There ''must'' be a winner. <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': It's not over! This capacity crowd buzzing. They've never seen anything quite like this, and you would only see it in the WWF... ''[Shawn Michaels loads up his boot...]'' Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Michaels steps - ''[and hits Sweet Chin Music on Bret Hart]'' he got it! He got ''all'' of it! Michaels got ALL OF IT! ''[Michaels pins Hart]'' MICHAELS WITH A COVER! ''[counting along with Earl Hebner]'' ONE, TWO, YES! :'''Jerry''': No! :'''Howard''': Ladies and Gentlemen, the winner of this bout, and NEW World Wrestling Federation Champion: "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels! <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': ''[moments later, as Shawn is awarded the WWF title]'' The boyhood dream has come true for Shawn Michaels. <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': Here comes the Undertaker! =={{w|WrestleMania 13}} (1997)== ''[Opening narration]'' :'''Narrator''': It's traditionally the grandest night in the World Wrestling Federation. WrestleMania: the great spectacle, the granddaddy of sports entertainment, a magical night where dreams become reality, where legends stand immortal, where incredible feats of athleticism are indelibly etched in the annals of time. :But this year, a tempest engulfs utopia. This year, clouds of hatred and anger have eclipsed the heavens, shed darkness on the gods. We've watched as heroes stepped down from their pedestals, witnessed malicious attacks by a depraved Nation, beheld the dark, disturbing flashes from a once benevolent force. :Tonight, three determined men ''[Ahmed Johnson and the Legion of Doom]'' unite to wage war against an evil Nation. Their battleground: the cold, unforgiving streets of Chicago. :Tonight, two giants ''[The Undertaker and Sycho Sid]'' appear willing to shed their noble armor to embrace their dark sides, to possess the coveted gold. :And tonight, two angry young men ''[Bret Hart and Stone Cold Steve Austin]'' destined to destroy each other will endure intolerable pain in a brutal submission match. :It's WrestleMania, the Showcase of the Immortals, the greatest night in sports entertainment. It's supposed to be a night of celebration, a time to rejoice. But tonight, none of these men are smiling. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim Ross''': {{w|Dennis Knight|Phineas Godwinn}}, the {{w|The Beverly Hillbillies#Jethro Bodine|Jethro Bodine}} of the WWF. :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': I call him the highly paid dumb guy. <hr width=50%/> :''[About Bret Hart]'' :'''Vince McMahon''': Here's a man who's had a great legacy. But that legacy has taken a real turn. :'''Jerry''': I know he took you for a turn when he shoved you on your keister. :'''Vince''': Yes and I didn't appreciate it one bit. I think Bret was out of line for doing that. As well as all the obscenities that he uttered on live television. There's no excuse for that no matter how many times this man so called has been screwed. :'''Jerry''': Well you called him a son of a... <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': If Bret Hart loses this match, you wonder what he's gonna come up with as an excuse, because he'll have one in my view. :'''Jerry''': Who, Bret Hart? Sure he will! He's a whiner. :'''Vince''': Well, it's what it seems that... his sort of mind is of late, and that's too bad. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry''': Bret Hart can twist {{w|Stone Cold Steve Austin|Stone Cold's}} leg until it looks like the Chicago White Sox' {{w|Robin Ventura}}. It can be turned around backwards, and Stone Cold is still not gonna give up. <hr width=50%/> :''[After Steve Austin attempted to apply the Sharpshooter to Bret Hart.]'' :'''Jerry''': Wouldn't that have been the greatest of all time to have to submit to the sharpshooter? (Laughs) :'''Vince''': It could happen, it's just that painful. Bret Hart really knows how to put it on. Stone Cold Steve Austin may put it on Bret Hart as well. :'''Jerry''': Well, Owen taught it to both of them; he's the master of it. <hr width=50%/> :''[Bret Hart has Steve Austin in the Sharpshooter]'' :'''Vince''': Who would blame Stone Cold if he gave up? :'''{{w|Ken Shamrock}}''': ''[as Austin screams with blood pouring over his face]'' Say the word, Steve! :'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': NOOO!! :'''Vince''': The blood pouring from the forehead of Stone Cold Steve Austin. He continues to resist, continues to resist the pain. :'''Jim''': These people are standing! Can you imagine the pain rushing through Austin's body?! :'''Jerry''': Look at the blood spurting from his temple. :'''Shamrock''': Steve, answer me! :'''Jim''': Austin's losing blood, Austin may be losing consciousness. ''[Austin starts pushing himself up]'' Austin trying to get one more rush of adrenaline! :'''Vince''': Austin trying to power out! It's not a pretty sight! Stone Cold Stone Austin! :'''Jerry''': ''[Austin is almost all the way up]'' Impossible! He's doing the impossible! :'''Jim''': Nobody's ever done this! Nobody's ever broken. :''[Austin manages to topple Bret over, but Bret holds on]'' :'''Vince''': He did it! He did it! Austin did it! :'''Jim''': Austin broke the Sharpshooter! Or did he?! :'''Vince''': ''[as Bret sits back into it]'' No, Bret still has it on! I thought for sure he broke it. Austin trying to reach that rope! Reaching for the rope. Austin will not surrender, he will not submit! :'''Jim''': Bret Hart has beaten every Superstar in the WWF with this move. How in the hell Austin has not given up, I can't understand! :'''Shamrock''': ''[over this]'' Answer me! Do you give up? STEVE, DO YOU GIVE UP?! If you do not answer me, I will stop the fight! :''[Austin has passed out. Shamrock tells Bret to release the hold.]'' :'''Shamrock''': That's it! :'''Vince''': Ken Shamrock stopping it, stopping it right now! That's it! Stone Cold Steve Austin! Austin passed out! :'''Jim''': ''Austin is unconscious! Austin never gave up! Austin never gave up! But he passed out from the pain! Austin is out!'' :'''Vince''': And Bret "The Hitman" Hart has defeated one of the gutsiest individuals ever in the World Wrestling Federation. :'''Howard Finkel''': As a result of Stone Cold Steve Austin losing consciousness, the winner of this bout: Bret "Hitman" Hart! :'''Vince''': ''[cont'd]'' I can tell ya, I've never seen a display of intestinal fortitude like we saw in Stone Cold Steve Austin, who is still unconscious, and quite frankly, needs medical attention right now. :'''Jim''': Boy, that has got to be a tough act to follow, I'll tell you that. <hr width=50%/> :''[At the start of the Undertaker/Sid title match. Bret Hart makes his way to the ring.]'' :'''"The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels''': ''[doing guest commentary]'' Oh, Bret very resentful of not being in the main event or being the man. I find that hard to believe. Well he did his best against Steve Austin but just couldn't get it done. :'''Bret "Hit Man" Hart''': ''[grabbing a mic]'' Hey Shawn Michaels! First of all you phony little faker, why don't you go take your little pussy foot injury? :'''Vince''': ''[holding Shawn back]'' All right, knock it off! :'''Shawn''': It's ok. I'm not going anywhere. :'''Bret''': And go back to the dressing room and find your smile. But whatever you do, stay out of this match! :'''Shawn''': "I'm so scared!" :'''Bret''': ''[To the Undertaker]'' And as for you, I just want you to know. That when you slammed that door on my head, you slammed the door on our friendship. And from here on in it's a new set of rules between you and me. :'''Shawn''': Your friendship? Oh I can't remember the last time Bret was anybody's friend. :'''Bret''': ''[To Sid]'' And you! You know, and I know, and every single person in this building, all know one thing. Is that the World Wrestling Federation title belt belongs to me! And you are a fraud! :'''Vince''': Well it looks like Bret... :'''Bret''': That belt will never belong to you and you know it and I know it and every single person in this building, whether you're here or outside the TV then, you all know that I am the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be! :''[Sid punches Bret]'' :'''Vince''': Oh! Sycho Sid. Wait a minute! :'''Shawn''': And now you're getting beat up because of your big mouth. :''[Sid gives Bret a powerbomb while Shawn Michaels laughs]'' :'''Jim''': Powerbomb! Bret Hart has experienced the powerbomb one more time! And after that submission match, that's going to put him in a bad way. :'''Shawn''': See? What did I tell ya? :'''Sycho Sid''': ''[Grabbing the mic]'' Now you take your whiny little ass out of here! :'''Shawn''': Yeah! Alright! <hr width=50%/> :''[Later in the same match, Bret Hart attempts to interfere again]'' :'''Shawn''': Jesus! :'''Jim''': Are you kidding me? :'''Vince''': Oh, please stop that... Come on! ''[Sid attacks Hart, but Hart drives him into the top rope, sight unseen]'' :'''Shawn''': Doesn't he ever get tired of beating up? ''[Sid, feeling the effects of the top rope, walks straight into the Undertaker's grasp and the Deadman turns him upside down]'' :'''Vince''': Wait a minute! Wait a minute! :'''Jim''': Tombstone! Tombstone! Tombstone! :'''Vince''': ''[Undertaker hits the Tombstone Piledriver on Sid]'' OH! :'''Jim''': HE DID IT! ''[Shawn begins clapping for the Undertaker as the Undertaker folds Sid's arms and covers him]'' :'''Vince''': ''[counting along with the referee]'' One, two... ''[Earl Hebner counts three, making the Undertaker 6-0 at Wrestlemania, and the crowd erupts]'' OH! :'''Howard''': The winner of this bout, and NEW World Wrestling Federation Champion: The Undertaker! ''[Shawn continues to clap for the Undertaker]'' :'''Vince''': The new World Wrestling Federation champion, the Undertaker, and his creatures! :'''Jim''': The WWF title lives in the dark side! :'''Shawn''': And we are in for a wild ride! The WWF and the WWF Championship is going places where it's never been, and frankly, I am excited, and I just want to be a part of it. :'''Vince''': The Dark Days of the WWF have begun! =={{w|WrestleMania XIV}} (1998)== ''[Opening narration]'' :'''Narrator''': The first temptation is to say that tradition has abandoned WrestleMania; that this grand spectacle, this enticing blend of celebrity and athleticism has been taken hostage by a new generation of rogues. The "Baddest Man on the Planet" ''[Mike Tyson]'', the toughest SOB ''[Stone Cold Steve Austin]'', the reigning champion and #1 Degenerate ''[Shawn Michaels]''. These are men determined to write their own destiny. To Hell with historians who upend their tale. :But tradition is indeed alive and well. Because after all, despite the brash bravado, it's the allure of World Wrestling Federation gold that has brought these men here tonight. The very belt that immortalized Andre, Hulk, and Sammartino; the symbol of excellence that inspired Gorilla Monsoon, "The Big Cat" Ernie Ladd, Classy Freddie Blassie; a lineage created by Vincent J. McMahon some fifty years ago. So tonight, through sacrifice and pain, through breathtaking displays of athleticism that defy mortal boundaries, these men that shun tradition are destined to become part of it. :It's WrestleMania. The grandest of spectacles, the Showcase of the Immortals, a time to revel in the occasion. And somewhere beyond the spotlights, the father of the World Wrestling Federation will revel in it, too. <hr width=50%/> :''[The ending of the {{w|WWE European Championship}} match involving Triple H and Owen Hart]'' :'''Jim Ross''': Oh, LOW BLOW!!! :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': Man, oh man. :'''Jim''': {{w|Chyna}} caught [[w:Owen Hart|Owen]] with a low blow. :'''Jerry''': Pedigree, whoa! :'''Jim''': ''[Triple H hits the Pedigree on Owen]'' Pedigree! :'''Jerry''': WOO-HOO! Yes! :'''Jim''': ''[counting along with the referee]'' 1,2,3, that's it. :'''Jerry''': Brilliant! <hr width=50%/> :'''{{w|Jeff Jarrett}}''': Gennifer, honey, I've just got one question for you tonight at WrestleMania XIV—ain't I great? :'''{{w|Gennifer Flowers}}''': Honey, I've...been with greats, and you are great. <hr width=50%/> :'''{{w|Road Dogg|Road Dogg Jesse James}}''': Well, well, well, the gang's all here. Matter of fact, they're sitting right up there. You know, they call you "hardcore legends." Well, everybody knows that outlaws make legends, so when we're done beating the hell outta you, just what will that make us? Boston, if this is for the weak at heart, please turn your head, Terry Funk. <hr width=50%/> :''[During the match between the New Age Outlaws and {{w|Mick Foley|Cactus Jack}} & {{w|Terry Funk|Chainsaw Charlie}}] :'''Jim''': We said earlier there'd be no finesse. Hell, there's more finesse in Muskogee on Saturday night on payday weekend. <hr width=50%/> :''[Pete Rose is the guest ring announcer in Boston]'' :'''{{w|Pete Rose}}''': Hey! Last time I was here, we kicked your ass! :'''Jim''': That's a good way to make friends there Pete. :'''Rose''': You can't win a World Series! My buddy Bucky Dent says hello! You know, I left tickets for Bill Buckner, but he couldn't bend over to pick them up. How 'bout it? They call it "the Curse of the Bambino" right here, the city of losers! :'''Jim''': Easy. King, did you prep Pete Rose? :'''Jerry''': Well, we did have a couple of photos made before the match up (laughs). <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim''': ''[on the match between Undertaker and his brother, Kane]'' Who will Rest In Peace? <hr width=50%/> :''[Promo before the main event]'' :'''Classy Freddie Blassie''': I can still hear the echoes cheering my name. :'''Killer Kowalski''': Time has not silenced the crowd. :'''Ernie Ladd''': I never did a moonsault. :'''Gorilla Monsoon''': Or walked the top rope. :'''Pat Patterson''': There were no pyrotechnics. :'''Gorilla''': No fancy flashing lights. :'''Freddie''': We never flew through the air. :'''Pat''': We were men of courage. :'''Killer''': Men of steel. :'''Freddie''': They are men without fear. :'''Ernie''': I can still hear the echoes cheering my name. :'''Gorilla''': But today... :'''Freddie''': I cheer for them. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim''': Shawn Michaels is the most honored champion in WWF history. The ''only'' man in WWF history to win every major World Wrestling Federation title. He's been the WWF Champion three times. Tag Champ three times. Intercontinental Champion three times. And the European Champ— And listen to this— This chant here in Boston! :''[Crowd chanting "Austin, Austin...!"]'' :'''Jim''': ...Chanting for Stone Cold! :'''Jerry''': He's got his work cut out for him! If he could get through Shawn Michaels! If he could get through DX! If he could get through Mike Tyson— :''[The bells rings, signifying the start of the match]'' :'''Jerry''': —he deserves to be the champion! I just don't think he could do it! :'''Jim''': Nobody has ever, ''ever'' outperformed Shawn Michaels in a big match situation. And folks, it don't get no bigger than this. This is what our ''business'' is all about. It's about earning the opportunity to wrestle in the main event at a Wrestlemania. :'''Jerry''': Look at Shawn Michaels, he is so full of himself! :'''Jim''': He's got great confidence, and rightfully so. :'''Jerry''': He got Mike Tyson. Haha! :'''Jim''': Well, you're maybe right there. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim''': Austin back up somehow... ''[Shawn Michaels attempts Sweet Chin Music, but Stone Cold Steve Austin ducks and attempts the Stunner]'' Oh, Austin dumped him. Austin going for the Stunner, and Michaels counters. ''[Michaels attempts Sweet Chin Music again but Austin blocks...]'' Michaels going for another kick. Austin... ''[...and hits the Stunner]'' HE GOT IT, THE STUNNER! Mike Tyson in! [''{{w|Mike Tyson}} enters the ring and does a fast 3-count''] AUSTIN IS THE CHAMPION! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! :'''Howard Finkel''': The winner of this bout, and NEW World Wrestling Federation Champion: Stone Cold Steve Austin! :'''Jerry''': ''[over Finkel's announcement]'' Wait a minute! WHAT? Tyson has double-crossed DX! It's a double-cross! :'''Jim''': The Austin Era has begun! Stone Cold's eight-year journey has been culminated with WWF gold! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim''': ''[after seeing Mike Tyson knock out Shawn Michaels with a right hand]'' OH A RIGHT HAND! TYSON! TYSON! TYSON! RIGHT HAND! DOWN GOES MICHAELS! =={{w|WrestleMania XV}} (1999)== :''(Opening narration)'' :'''{{w|Freddie Blassie|Classy Freddie Blassie}}''': Time. No beginning, no end. An infinite procession that humbles our mortality. But there are moments in life that transcend our fate, memories crafted by gods among men that defy time to forget them. These are the moments that echo through the ages, always heard, never to grow old. Born of will, christened with blood, they are testament to the strong, the mighty, the eminent, deities who defy their own mortality to forge an indelible imprint in the annals of time. Like the mythic gods of ancient Greece, they may thrill us, inspire us, at times makes us angry, but they will never let us forget them. Tonight, is their night, their battle, their moment of ultimate sacrifice. For this is their theater, their altar, their chance for divinity. Welcome to WrestleMania, the showcase of the immortals. <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael Cole''': Wait a minute, wait a minute, no!!! :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': What?! :'''Michael''': No, Pedigree, Triple H has turned his back on X-Pac, Triple H is putting on Shane. :'''Jerry''': What?! :'''Michael''': Shane McMahon has retained the title. No! What the hell is going on? :'''Jerry''': I don't know. :'''Howard Finkel''': The winner of this bout and still World Wrestling Federation European Champion, Shane McMahon! :''[after seeing Triple H leaving D-Generation X to join the Corpration.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael''': Tombstone! The Tombstone on the Big Boss Man and the Undertaker is victorious! <hr width=50%/> :''[Over the loudspeaker, The Rock saying the words "Do you smell what The Rock is cooking?" are heard, signaling his arrival]'' :'''Howard Finkel''': Introducing first... from Miami, Florida, weighing 275 pounds, the World Wrestling Federation Champion, The Rock! :''[The Rock slowly enters with the WWF Championship belt hoisted on his shoulders]'' :'''Jim Ross''': What an athlete. The WWF Champion. A 27-year-old prodigy! :'''Jerry''': I'm telling ya, it's good to be The King, but, it's gotta be ''great'' to be The Rock! :'''Jim''': The Rock, the number one man in this business! And the reason is over his shoulder: The WWF Title! :'''Jerry''': And even ''you'' got to admit, J.R., it looks so good over the shoulder of The Rock! I mean, he's the true— I mean, he's the ''epitome'' of a champion! He's the kind of man you would want representing your organization! Not some beer-swilling, finger-giving idiot like Stone Cold Steve Austin! Admit it, J.R.! :'''Jim''': Well, that's ''your'' opinion. No doubt The Rock is a gifted athlete. ''[The Rock climbs above the turnbuckle where he slowly raises the belt]'' An amazing, ''amazing'' specimen! First third-generation star in WWF history. :'''Jerry''': ''[The Rock climbs off the ropes, and threatens referee Mike Chioda with an elbow]'' Uh-oh! :'''Jim''': Oh, what a match-up this is gonna be— :''[Glass shatters and "I Won't Do What You Tell Me" plays, signaling the arrival of Stone Cold Steve Austin; the crowd erupts]'' :'''Howard''': His opponent, and challenger...from Victoria, Texas, weighing 252 lbs, Stone Cold Steve Austin! :'''Jim''': And the Rattlesnake is ready! This crowd is jacked! And here we are at WrestleMania XV! ''[As Austin walks by The Rock begins to taunts him]'' And The Rock already talking trash! Just like he did when he played for the Miami Hurricanes down at—at...at the Orange Bowl! They talk—they talked a lot of trash! They psyched out a lot of people! But, King, I don't think Austin ''can'' be intimidated— :''[The Rock obstructs Austin's path while taunting him further. Austin looks to the referee...]'' :'''Jerry''': You don't think— ''[Austin strikes The Rock first as they trade shots]'' :'''Jim''': OH! A RIGHT HAND! :''[The bell sounds, beginning their No Disqualification Match]'' :'''Jerry''': Here they go! :'''Jim''': HERE THEY GO! WWF TITLE, ON THE LINE! <hr width=50%/> :''[End of match]'' :'''Jerry''': Where's Mr. McMahon? :''[Austin Irish-whips The Rock, setting up for a backbody drop]'' :'''Jim''': ''[seeing that Mr. McMahon, having been knocked out of the ring by Mankind (who was scheduled to be the referee for this match), has made his way to the announce table]'' He's lying right in front of us. ''[The Rock counters with a kick to Austin]'' Oh, what a shot by The Rock. ''[Austin snaps up to receive a clothesline]'' And a knockdown! :'''Jerry''': Wow! :'''Jim''': What a magnificent move by The Rock. :''[Austin gets up and staggers to find himself grabbed by the shoulder]'' :'''Jerry''': HERE WE GO! :'''Jim''': Uh-oh, uh-oh! Rock Bottom. Rock Bottom! ''[The Rock performs the Rock Bottom on Austin]'' :'''Jerry''': YES! You better count, Mankind! Get in there and count! ''[The Rock walks around towards Austin's supine body]'' :'''Jim''': It didn't work earlier, Austin kicked out! :'''Jerry''': Oh no. :'''Jim''': But—! :'''Jerry''': ''[The Rock kicks Austin's right arm]'' Wait a minute! :'''Jim''': The Rock—! :'''Jerry''': Yes! ''[The Rock pulls off his elbow pad and throws it to the crowd]'' You want me to do the honors, J.R.? :'''Jim''': It's the Rock Bottom Special! Go ahead, King, I know you like it! :'''Jerry''': It is the most electrifying move in sports entertainment history! YEA—! ''[The Rock attempts to hit the Corporate Elbow, but Austin moves out of the way]'' OH—! :'''Jim''': NO! AUSTIN—! :''[Mr. McMahon stares in disbelief]'' :'''Jerry''': ACK! :'''Jim''': ''[as Austin attempts a Stone Cold Stunner. However, the Rock catches Austin's foot and flips him the bird]'' AUSTIN MOVED OUT OF THE WAY! :'''Jerry''': WHAT?! :'''Jim''': ''[The Rock spins him around and again attempts the Rock Bottom, whilst taunting him further]'' Oh, The Rock going for it again, Rock Bottom—! :'''Jerry''': Get him up, Rock! Get him up—! Oh! :'''Jim''': ''[Austin elbows The Rock to free himself]'' Austin with the elbows—! :'''Jerry''': ''[While The Rock staggers around, Austin flips him a double bird and performs a second Stone Cold Stunner]'' ACK! :'''Jim''': THE STUNNER! THE STUNNER! ''[Austin goes for the pin]'' WILL AUSTIN—?! ''[Mankind counts the pin and the crowd counts along with him]'' :'''Jerry''': ''[Mankind counts 3 and the crowd erupts]'' NO! :'''Jim''': ''[As he screams this, we cut to the announce table where Mr. McMahon is shown in shock]'' AUSTIN WINS! AUSTIN WINS!! AUSTIN WINS!!! :'''Howard''': The winner of this bout and NEW World Wrestling Federation Champion: Stone Cold Steve Austin! :'''Jerry''': This is awful! :'''Jim''': THE RATTLESNAKE RULES! THE RATTLESNAKE RULES AGAIN! AND MR. McMAHON... McMAHON IS DISTRAUGHT! McMAHON IS ABSOLUTELY IN A DEEP STATE OF DEPRESSION! STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN IS THE WWF CHAMPION AGAIN! THE RATTLESNAKE CLIMBED THE MOUNTAIN! :'''Jerry''': We need to help Mr. McMahon! :'''Jim''': THE RATTLESNAKE OVERCAME ALL THE ODDS! ''[Austin climbs up the turnbuckle to salute the crowd]'' STONE COLD IS THE MAN! :'''Jerry''': J.R., show some compassion! We need some help for Mr. McMahon! :'''Jim''': You reap what you sow! Maybe Mr. McMahon got just what he deserved! ''[Mankind raises Austin's arm in victory and hands him the championship belt]'' Good God, what a WrestleMania, and McMahon ''cannot'' believe it! It is Vince McMahon's saddest day! The Rattlesnake rules! The Rattlesnake is the WWF Champion, by God! :'''Jerry''': This is gonna go down as the blackest day in the history of the World Wrestling Federation! ''[Austin signals to timekeeper Mark Yeaton for some celebratory beer]'' Plus his first order of business as new champ, he got a— he's got more beers! Oh! :'''Jim''': The Rattlesnake will toast these 20,000+ fans and the millions watching around the world! He did it! Austin did it! ''[Austin swigs his beer to the crowd]'' What a war that Austin waged with The Rock! Referees injured! Referees hospitalized! Potential referees jailed! And Austin overcame it all! My God, what a night! What a WrestleMania! :'''Jerry''': Mr. McMahon, are you alright? :'''Jim''': ''[mocking Jerry]'' "Mr. McMahon, are you alright?" :'''Jerry''': ''[Mr. McMahon struggles to get up]'' Help him, J.R.! This is awful! :'''Jim''': ''[Austin leaves the ring but stops halfway up the ramp]'' Well folks, mark it down. March the 28th: The Rattlesnake is back on top of the mountain! ''[Austin tosses his belt back into the ring; he follows to salute the crowd]'' There's 20,276, and, by God, they love it! :'''Jerry''': ''[Still concerned about Mr. McMahon]'' He's hurt! C'mon, J.R., he's hurt! ''[Austin signals again for the timekeeper to toss him some beer]'' Oh yeah, give him more beer! ''[Pointing back to Mr. McMahon walking slowly back]'' Look at this! :'''Jim''': Mr. McMahon barely able to stand! ''[Earl Hebner, the third and last referee to have been KO'ed during the course of the match, re-enters the ring; Austin toasts his beer with him]'' And The Rattlesnake... :'''Jerry''': ''[Hebner swigs Austin's beer in the same manner as Austin]'' Look at this! :'''Jim''': —is toasting the referee, Earl Hebner! :'''Jerry''': Look at this, Earl Hebner! :'''Jim''': He's toasting the fans! He's toasting everybody that works for a living! :'''Jerry''': ''[to Hebner]'' You can't drink on the job, you idiot! :'''Jim''': The job is done! Has Mr. McMahon ever had a sadder day? Has he ever had a worse day, King? :'''Jerry''': No, he hasn't! And this is awful! :'''Jim''': ''[As he says this, Austin, holding another beer, toasts his championship belt and raises said beer to the home audience. He mouths "Ya got that shit, right?"]'' LONG LIVE THE RATTLESNAKE! LONG LIVE STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN! :'''Jerry''': He'll think of something. Mr. McMahon will think of something. He's got to. :'''Jim''': ''[Ovelapping Jerry's last word]'' It's too late. The job is done. Austin is the champion. And there's not a darn thing Mr. McMahon can do about it. What a phenomenon. [Austin climbs out of the ring, only to be confronted by an angry Mr. McMahon] :'''Jerry''': Uh oh. :'''Vince''': You son of a bitch. That's not your belt, that's my belt. That's not yours that's my belt and you don't deserve it. : [Austin beats up McMahon then throws him into the ring where he gives McMahon a Stunner] :'''Jim''': Stone Cold just dropped the owner. :'''Jerry''': Ahh! Another beer-bath. [He pour a beer over the lifeless body of McMahon] :'''Jim''': Have a cold one on me Vinnie Mac. =={{w|WrestleMania 2000}} (2000)== :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': Oh, baby! :'''{{w|Trish Stratus}}''': Let's go boys, time to show WrestleMania some {{w|T & A (professional wrestling)|T & A}}. <hr width=50%/> :'''{{w|Christian Cage|Christian}}''': We beat {{w|the Hardy Boyz}}. We beat {{w|the Dudley Boyz}}. We accomplished a life long goal, and that was to win these titles. But not without immense pain. And believe me when I say I’d go through it all again tomorrow if we have to, to keep these things. <hr width=50%/> :'''{{w|Chris Jericho}}''': And I can guarantee that {{w|Kurt Angle|Kirk Angel}} and {{w|Chris Benoit|Mr Roboto}} are gonna walk out of this match with bumps and bruises and a t-shirt that reads ‘I visited Anaheim and all I got was this lousy t-shirt and a Y2J beating that I will never eeeeeeeever forget a-''gain''’. <hr width=50%/> :'''Road Dogg Jesse James''': Anaheim, California, welcome to the Dogg House! :The D-O-Double-G and X-Pac in Californ-I-A :Wishin "Happy Birthday" to my boy Dustin J :Lookin' at the Presidential, it's about that time :For us to get stinky like some bud that's kine :Now then, two tears in a bucket :And if you ain't down with that, we got two words for ya! :'''Crowd''': SUCK IT! =={{w|WrestleMania X-Seven}} (2001)== :'''Jim Ross''': Right to Censor, led by Steven Richards, certainly an extremist group from where I sit. They believe people should live their lives in one way: that's the RTC way. :'''{{w|Paul Heyman}}''': Personally, I would appreciate it if you'd use the word "extreme" in a much better context. I don't find them to be extremists, I find them to be hypocrites. They're censors, and even I have never liked a censor that I ever met. <hr width=50%/> :'''Paul''': Why would anyone be proud of coming from the state of Texas? :'''Jim''': What do you mean by that? :'''Paul''': Well, if there was a back door at the Alamo, Texas would be in Mexico. <hr width=50%/> :'''{{w|Jeff Hardy}}''': There's always danger when it comes to the Hardy Boyz because we give it our all every night man, we put our bodies on the line all the time. And TLC matches are very dangerous and you're right, there's alot of elements of danger in these matches and all we got to say is, I mean, I'm going into this match like it's my last. <hr width=50%/> :'''Paul''': The time is now. It's the match that both men have to win, and neither man can afford to lose. <hr width=50%/> :'''Paul''': (as Undertaker and Triple H fight) And here we go! The fight is on! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim''': ''[The Rock has just kicked out of a shot from a chair handed to Stone Cold Steve Austin by Mr. McMahon. McMahon now gives orders to Austin to assault Rock with the chair]'' Mr. McMahon brought the chair in the ring, and now Austin's using it on the Rock! There's no disqualifcation! Austin beating the living hell out of the Rock with that McMahon-endorsed steel chair! Come on, Steve, STOP! ''[One final shot, and Austin goes for the cover]'' WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? ''[Earl Hebner counts and a confused crowd counts along with Mr. McMahon]'' WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?! :'''Paul''': ''[Hebner counts 3]'' It's a new champion! :'''Jim''': STOP ALREADY! God almighty, I can't...! :'''Howard Finkel''': The winner of this bout, and NEW World Wrestling Federation Champion: Stone Cold Steve Austin! :'''Jim''': ''[The WWE Championship belt is handed to Austin; Austin then turns to face Mr. McMahon]'' What the hell is this? Austin face-to-face with McMahon! :'''Paul''': ''[Pull back to reveal Stone Cold shaking McMahon's hand]'' They're SHAKING HANDS! :'''Jim''': Stone Cold is shaking hands with Satan himself!! For the love of God, somebody tell me this is not happening! :'''Paul''': It's happening! Stone Cold Steve Austin has sold his soul for the WWF title! ''[Austin signals for beer and tosses some to Mr. McMahon]'' We are witnessing something that will be talked about for years to come! :'''Jim''': I don't believe this! ''[Austin toasts McMahon and the two drink together]'' What the hell?!? Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch, I don't believe this! Steve Austin's drinking a damn beer with Mr. McMahon! Stone Cold has sold his soul to Satan himself to win the WWF title! WHY, STEVE? WHY THIS WAY?!? =={{w|WrestleMania X8}} (2002)== :''[The Rock and Hollywood Hulk Hogan facing off one another]'' :'''Jim Ross''': This is a WrestleMania moment. :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': Look at those eyes. :'''Jim''': On March 17, 2002. You can circle that date on your calendar. 'Cause I can tell you, it's gonna be a day that—that ''I'll'' never gonna forget. Quite frankly, a match, I thought I would never, ''ever'' see. :'''Jerry''': We'll never see {{w|Mike Tyson|Tyson}} and {{w|Muhammad Ali|Ali}}, we'll never see [[Babe Ruth]] and {{w|Barry Bonds}}, but we are gonna get to witness the Rock and [[w:Hulk Hogan|the Hulk]]. Only at WrestleMania, and only in the WWF, J.R.! :''[The bell rings, signifying the start of the match]'' :'''Jerry''': Here we go! :'''Jim''': History in the making now! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry''': The Undertaker has moved up! He’s 10-0! 10-0!! =={{w|WrestleMania XIX}} (2003)== :'''Vince McMahon''': I created Hulkamania, and by God, at Wrestlemania...I'M GONNA KILL IT!!!!!!!!! <hr width=50%/> :''[Chris Jericho is setting up for a Sweet Chin Music on Shawn Michaels]'' :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': No, wait a minute-! :'''Jim Ross''': ...Oh no you don’t, you're kidding me! :'''Jerry''': No, would I be kidding? Yeah believe your eyes, you’re seeing it! :'''Jim''': There's impersonation, the most sincere form of flattery! :'''Jerry''': Well, not when you can do it better than the original! Sweet Chin Music!! <hr width=50%/> :'''{{w|Jonathan Coachman}}''': Rock, how excited are you? It's WrestleMania, over 54,000 people... :'''{{w|Dwayne Johnson|The Rock}}''': People? The ''people''? The same people who booed the Rock at last year's WrestleMania? The same people who booed the Rock when he sang and gave the concert of a lifetime? The same people who chant "Sell-Out" to the Rock? Oh, the Rock is a sell-out. The Rock has sold out this and every WrestleMania he's ever been in. You see, Coach...you see, Coach, these people hurt me. They hurt the People's Champ, so tonight, the Rock could care ''less'' about the people. You see, Coach, the Rock is here for one reason, and one reason only, and that is to fulfill his destiny—fulfill ''my'' destiny, and that is to beat Stone Cold Steve Austin right in the middle of the ring at WrestleMania: 1...2...3. This is the Holy Grail, the one thing that the Rock has never done, the one thing I've never done. It consumes me, it eats me alive! Coach, this night, the biggest night of my life, this is everything to the Rock—everything. Oh yeah, for the past two occasions, Stone Cold Steve Austin has beaten the Rock right in the middle of the ring, right in the middle of that ring, 1 2 3, he's beaten the Rock. But if there's one thing that Hollywood has taught me, that's Act 1 and Act 2, they don't matter. The only thing that matters, everyone remembers Act 3. The end, the climax, the grand finale, this is the last chapter to the greatest rivalry this industry has ever seen. When Stone Cold Steve Austin goes one-on-one with the Jabroni-beatin', l-l-l-l-ow! pie-eatin', not afraid to sweat, not afraid to bleed, gonna beat that bald-headed bastard, guaran-damn-teed! And then, Coach, the Rock would have done it all. Finally... finally. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry''': ''[On {{w|Booker T (wrestler)|Booker T}}]'' Maybe he's having a flashback to his time behind bars. :'''Jim''': Why don't you get off that horse. You have ridden it to the godda- to the ground King. To the ground! :'''Jerry''': Easy, JR, easy! <hr width=50%/> :''[After Booker T knocks down an interfering Ric Flair]'' :'''Jerry''': This is very disrespectful on the part of Booker T. :'''Jim''': Flair has no business up here, DAMMIT! No business! <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael Cole''': 11-0 for the Undertaker! =={{w|WrestleMania XX}} (2004)== :'''{{w|John Cena}}''': You've got the franchise player on the Superbowl stage :So get that gorilla Big Show out of his cage :Ain't no way that I'm gonna lose to that King Kong rip-off :That's like Gary Coleman beating Patrick Ewing in a tip-off :Big Show's really an ape with posable thumbs :And he stuffs his singlet, looks like he's smuggling plums :Everybody knows that he can't see me :I'm itching to beat him like a penis with a STD :I'm not even wrestling the Big Show, this whole things a charade :My match is with the hippo float from the Macy's parade :So its time to get a championship to match these custom knucks :Madison Square chant it loud baby, Big Show sucks. <hr width=50%/> :''[Kurt Angle has Eddie Guerrero in an ankle lock on Eddie's injured left ankle]'' :'''Michael Cole''': Eddie's been dragged to the center of the ring. :'''Tazz''': This is it, the ankle lock is on for a fourth time in this match. :'''Michael''': Will the Champion tap out? :'''Tazz''': Just tap out, Eddie! :''[Eddie pushes his left foot out of his boot with his right foot, pushing Kurt away with the boot]'' :'''Michael''': Wait a minute! The boot went flying? :'''Tazz''': The boot came off. :''[Angle runs at Eddie, who rolls him up in a small package]'' :'''Michael''': Look at this! Small package! :'''Tazz''': ''[Nick Patrick counts, not seeing Eddie hook the rope with his feet]'' One...two... ''[Patrick counts three]'' NO! :'''Michael''': EDDIE WINS! EDDIE WINS! EDDIE WINS! EDDIE WINS! :''[Eddie quickly rolls out of the ring]'' :'''Tazz''': Because he cheated! :'''Tony Chimel''': Here is your winner, and STILL WWE Champion: Eddie Guerrero! :'''Michael''': ''[over Chimel's announcement]'' OH MY GOD! :'''Tazz''': What the hell?! Guerrero cheated, I'm tellin' ya! :'''Michael''': What the hell's wrong with that?! He lies, he cheats, he steals! That's who Eddie Guerrero is! :'''Tazz''': Kurt Angle's irate! He's hanging onto the boot! Did the boot come off? :''[Angle throws the boot at a taunting Eddie]'' :'''Michael''': Wait a minute. There's nothing wrong with Eddie's ankle! He outsmarted Kurt Angle, did Eddie! Eddie Guerrero loosened the boot, knowing Kurt Angle would go for the ankle lock again. Eddie Guerrero outsmarted Kurt Angle! <hr width=50%/> :'''Paul Bearer''': ''[to Kane before The Undertaker made his entrance]'' My son! You're no son of mine! <hr width=50%/> :'''Kane''' ''[as he sees the Undertaker]'': I BURIED YOU ALIVE! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim Ross''': The Deadman and Paul Bearer live! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim''': ''[Chris Benoit is being hooked into position for the Pedigree]'' Triple H, Pedigree time... ''[Benoit slips out, takes Triple H down, and hooks the Crippler Crossface on him]'' NO! COUNTERED! :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': ACK! :'''Jim''': COUNTERED! COUNTERED! THE CROSSFACE! ''[Earl Hebner drops down to Triple H's level and asks him if he wants to submit]'' BENOIT GOT THE CROSSFACE! :'''Jerry''': NO! No no no no! Get to the ropes! :'''Jim''': TRIPLE H IS DESPERATE! THE SENSE OF URGENCY IS OVERWHELMING! THE CHAMPION REACHING FOR THE ROPES! :'''Jerry''': Fight it! Fight it, Triple H! :'''Jim''': WILL TRIPLE H TAP? CAN BENOIT DO IT? :'''Jerry''': ROPES! Get to the ropes! :'''Jim''': TRIPLE H... :'''Jerry''': OH! He's fading! He's fading, JR! :'''Jim''': TRIPLE H IS FADING AWAY! IS BENOIT THIS CLOSE TO WINNING THE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD? :'''Jerry''': Come on, Game! Reach your foot out, anything! It's your World Heavyweight Championship! :''[Hebner checks the arm, but it doesn't go down]'' :'''Jim''': Triple H... :'''Jerry''': He's still alive; there's life left. REACH! :'''Jim''': The Game is being tortured by the Wolverine! :'''Jerry''': Fight! Claw! Come on! :'''Jim''': And he's falling! ''[Triple H flops on his back, in an attempt to break the Crossface...]'' :'''Jerry''': Oh, no! :'''Jim''': The Game countered... ''[...but it fails, leaving both he and Benoit on the opposite side of the ring]'' But look... BUT BENOIT DIDN'T LET GO! BENOIT HELD ON LIKE A PIT BULL! BENOIT IS TORTURING THE CHAMPION WITH THE CROSSFACE! WILL TRIPLE H TAP OUT? WILL HE TAP OUT? :'''Jerry''': There's gotta be ''something'' that can be done! :'''Jim''': THE TITLE'S ON THE LINE! :'''Jerry''': ''Something, anything!'' :'''Jim''': THE TITLE'S ON THE LINE! BENOIT RIPPING AND TEARING... ''[Triple H finally submits and the crowd erupts]'' :'''Jerry''': ACK! Oh, no! :'''Jim''': IT'S OVER! IT'S OVER! :'''Jerry''': NO! ''[Hebner grabs the title and orders Benoit to break the hold, which he does]'' :'''Howard Finkel''': ''[as he says this, Benoit lies on his stomach and begins crying]'' The winner of this bout, and NEW World Heavyweight Champion: Chris Benoit! :'''Jim''': THIS SOLD-OUT CROWD AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN HAS ERUPTED! CHRIS BENOIT'S 18-YEAR ODYSSEY HAS CULMINATED BY WINNING THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE AT WRESTLEMANIA XX! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim Ross''': Well, I'll tell you what, folks, for my money, this has been the greatest WrestleMania of all time! =={{w|WrestleMania 21}} (2005)== :''[During the Money in the Bank Ladder Match, Chris Benoit at the top of the ladder reaching for the briefcase]'' :'''Jim Ross''': Benoit's gonna win this thing, King. He deserves it after what he's gone through. :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': I gotta agree with you now. Benoit ''does'' deserve this. :''[Edge nails Benoit in the arm with a chair, sending him off the ladder]'' :'''Jim''': Into the arm! {{w|Edge (wrestler)|Edge}} hit Benoit in the injured arm! And the opportunistic Edge! ''[Edge climbs the ladder]'' Don't tell me Edge is gonna win this thing! No, come on! :'''Jerry''': Look! :'''Jim''': Somebody get in there! :'''Jerry''': He's there! Edge is there! He's teetering... ''[Edge unhooks the briefcase]'' but he's got it! Oh, my God, Edge has done it! :'''Jim''': Edge has won the match! :'''Howard Finkel''': Here is your winner: Edge! :'''Jerry''': That chair shot, that vicious chair shot on Benoit's bad arm! :''[Edge runs back, hugging the briefcase]'' :'''Jim''': Benoit was one step away from winning this Money in the Bank ladder match! One step away, King! :'''Jerry''': But I gotta say, if Benoit didn't do it, if anybody deserved to win this match, Edge did. Edge deserved it. Look at that look of satisfaction on his face. :'''Jim''': Well, I figure 20,193 here in Hollywood that might not agree with you. Edge, in any event, can wrestle the world's heavyweight champion, whomever that may be, anytime he chooses within the next twelve months. <hr width=50%/> :'''{{w|Muhammad Hassan (wrestler)|Muhammad Hassan}}''': ''[speaking slowly]'' Do you... have any i-de-a... why I'm angry? :'''{{w|Nick Dinsmore|Eugene}}''': You don't like midgets? :'''Muhammad Hassan''' Midgets. Yeah, midgets. No! What I don't like... is being excluded... from the biggest show... of the year! Now, everyone knows that Hollywood is filled with phonies and fakes and that Los Angeles has a long and profound history of prejudice and bigotry! Well, I have never been pinned in my career and yet, I'm excluded, I have to take a backseat to a disgrace like you! ''[Davarai speaks foriegn language]'' Now, I said that I would not, could not, and am not gonna stand for this! And If I wasn't given a Wrestlemania moment, I was gonna create one myself. <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael''': It is the Legend vs. the Legend Killer on the grand stage of WrestleMania! =={{w|WrestleMania 22}} (2006)== :'''{{w|Randy Orton}}''': ''[to Mean Gene Okerlund]'' So let me get this right? You get into the Hall of Fame just for holding a mic for 35 years? <hr width=50%/> :'''"Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase''': ''[Eugene is bouncing a basketball backstage]'' 95, 96, 97, 98... ''[DiBiase kicks the ball away from Eugene]'' Ahh, Eugene! So close, but you don't get the money! HAHAHAHAHA! ''[turns to Booker T, who with Sharmell is preparing for his handicap match with the Boogeyman]'' Hey Booker, you want to make a thousand bucks? :'''Booker T''': Hell no, I don't want to make a thousand bucks! :'''DiBiase''': Everybody's got a price for the Million Dollar Man! HAHAHAHAHA! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim Ross''' Trish looking for Stratusfaction here. :''[ {{w|Mickie James}} grabs Trish's crotch, causing her to instinctively let go]'' :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': Woah, wait a minute! :''[Mickie licks up her hand, ending between her fingers]'' :'''Jim''': What the heck? :... :'''Jim''': Mickie James trying to take Trish mentally right out of her game after physically trying to take that left leg away. :'''Jerry''': Took me mentally right out of ''my'' game, I'll tell you that. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim''': The nutjob has won the title! :'''{{w|Lilian Garcia}}:''' Here is your winner and the NEW {{w|WWE Women's Championship (1956–2010)|WWE Women's Champion}}: Mickie James! :'''Jerry''': The inmate's gonna be running the asylum! :'''Jim''': I think there's some fans here that got a hall pass from the home. They're actually cheering this psychotic woman. :''[Mickie, with the belt, blows a kiss to Trish as she leaves]'' :'''Jim''': Mickie James use some very unique, feminine strategy to take Trish Status mentally out of the game, and some ''overt'' physicality...to exploit the leg, and then, capture the title in her first WrestleMania match. Mickie James has won the title. :''[Highlights of the match is shown]'' :'''Jerry''': Let's check out— ''This'' was the momentum-changer right there. That kick into Trish's leg. And then—and then, Trish's nose—I think her face... :'''Jim''': Chick Kick, knocked Trish right to the face. :'''Jerry''': Yep. :'''Jim''': The hook to the leg, and Trish—didn't have enough to kick out. And Mickie James has won the Women's Title at her first Wrestlemania. :'''Jerry''': And she did it by using Trish Stratus's own finishing move against her. :'''Jim''': And I'll say it again, Mick, you got one win for ya. [[w:Lithium_(medication)|Lithium!]] Get some help! <hr width=50%/> :''[Backstage, Vince McMahon flex his pecs in front of the McMahon Family]'' :'''Stephanie McMahon''': Whoa, Dad, you look huge! You look awesome! Oh yeah! Way bigger than those 24-inch pythons! :'''Shane McMahon''': ''[overlapping]'' Phenomenal! Look at that! Oh, HBK is going down, oh baby! Ohh! :'''Linda McMahon''': ''[overlapping]'' Awesome. Awesome! Awesome, awesome! ''[agreeing Stephanie]'' Ohh, big man! :'''Mr. McMahon''': ''[overlapping]'' Oh yeah! Can you imagine—can you imagine Shawn Michaels insinuating that ''I'm'' the one that should be praying? Huh? ''[to Stephanie]'' Can ''you'' imagine that? :'''Stephanie''': No. :'''Mr. McMahon''': You imagine me, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, ''praying''? :'''McMahon Family''': ''[in unison]'' No. :'''Mr. McMahon''': Guess what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do—as a matter of fact, that's exactly what ''we're'' gonna do. We're gonna have our first ever McMahon Family Prayer. Everybody on your knees. C'mon, get on your knee. C'mon. ''[to Stephanie]'' I know you're pregnant, get down, c'mon. :'''Shane''': Are you serious? :'''Mr. McMahon''': Yeah, I'm serious. Get down. :'''Stephanie''': Okay. ''[struggles to get down]'' :'''Mr. McMahon''': C'mon. Alright. Close your eyes and bow your head. ''[to God]'' God? Let's face it: I don't like you! You don't like me! I've defied every law you've ever had, and yet been ''tremendously'' successful! And I'm sure, God, you never intended on a 60-year old to have a ''Herculean'' physique as I do! I know, God, that...you and I aren't close but I know you and Shawn Michaels are very, very close. So tonight, God, I like to tell you what I'm gonna do with your favorite wrestler! I'm gonna send Shawn Michaels down to the ''FIERY DEPTHS OF HELL''! AMEN! :'''Stephanie and Linda''': Amen! :'''Shane''': ''[Nods sheepishly]'' Amen. :'''Mr. McMahon''': HALLELUJAH! <hr width=50%/> :'''Shawn Michaels''': ''[to Mr. McMahon]'' I WANT ''YOU'' TO ''WATCH THIS''! I'M GONNA KNOCK...YOUR TEETH! ''DOWN! YOUR! THROAT!'' ''[Delivers his Sweet Chin Music to McMahon's jaw]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''{{w|Tazz}}''': Springboard! Whoa! My God! :'''Michael Cole''': Springboard, into a cover! :'''Tazz''': ''[counting along with Charles Robinson]'' ONE, TWO, THREE! :'''Michael''': HE GOT HIM! HE GOT HIM! HE GOT HIM! OH MY! MYSTERIO WINS THE TITLE! :'''Tony Chimel''': Here is your winner, and the NEW World Heavyweight Champion, {{w|Rey Mysterio}}! :'''Michael''': Ladies and gentlemen, dreams do come true! :'''Tazz''': It's WrestleMania, Cole. You're damn skippy dreams come true! Rey Mysterio's the new champ! :'''Michael''': At 15 years old, Rey Mysterio began wrestling in a small church in Mexico. 16 years later, his journey culminates, winning the Championship on the grandest stage of all, ''WrestleMania''! :'''Tazz''': Oh, my God! What a match we've witnessed, Cole! I'll tell you what, major big ups to Kurt Angle ''and'' Randy Orton, and congratulations to that man, right there, Rey Mysterio... And you know the late, great {{w|Eddie Guerrero}}, Cole, is looking down upon Rey, and he's so proud of his "amigo", man. God, I'm so happy for Rey, man! :'''Michael''': Rey Mysterio showing tonight, ladies and gentlemen, that if you dream hard enough, and if you work hard enough, and if you bust your ass night in and night out, dreams will indeed come true. Rey Mysterio is the World Heavyweight Champion! <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael''': The Undertaker’s legacy continues on! 14-0 at WrestleMania! =={{w|WrestleMania 23}} (2007)== :''[as Jeff Hardy sets up a ladder in the ring and Matt Hardy lays Edge, who was dropped to the outside by Randy Orton, horizontally onto another ladder outside]'' :'''Jim Ross''': Jeff Hardy with a golden opportunity. Can Jeff Hardy capitalize? :'''John "Bradshaw" Layfield''': A world title is at stake here. :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': Whoa, wait a minute. Wait, whoa- :'''JBL''': What the hell's he doing? :'''Tazz''': Matt Hardy... :'''JBL''' ''[as Jeff begins to climb the ladder in the ring, nowhere near the briefcase]'': Win the damn match, Jeff! What the hell's wrong with you, kid?! :'''Tazz''': Yeah, Matt put Edge on that ladder and Matt's telling- :'''Michael Cole''': Oh, my lord! :'''JBL''' ''[as Matt is signaling to Jeff to take Edge out]'' What's wrong with you, you lunatic?! Win the damn match!! :'''Jerry''': Grab the briefcase! :'''JBL''': You've got a shot at the world championship, Jeff! Damn him to hell! No, come on! :'''Jerry''' ''[as Jeff reaches the top of the ladder]'': No way. :'''Tazz''': Get the ladder, Jeff! :'''JBL''': No, no... :'''Jim''': Jeff Hardy said he was gonna steal WrestleMania! :'''Michael''' ''[as Jeff leaps from the top of the ladder]'': You gotta be kidding me! :''[Jeff hits a diving leg drop on Edge, snapping the horizontal ladder and taking both men out]'' :'''Jim''': Oh, God almighty! :'''Jerry''': Oh my God! :'''Jim''': Good lord! The ladder broke in half! :'''Jerry''': They're history! :'''Jim''' ''[as a shocked Matt and the referee check on both men]'': ''Edge'' may be broken in half! Jeff Hardy may have taken *himself* out of WrestleMania, in contention to win this Money in the Bank ladder match! <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael''': ''[about Undertaker]'' HE IS THE EPITOME OF WRESTLEMANIA!!! <hr width=50%/> :''[Backstage, Mr. McMahon gaze at himself with a full head of hair]'' :'''Mr. McMahon''': Yeah. Handsome son of a bitch. :'''Stephanie McMahon''': ''[off-screen]'' Hi, Pop! :'''Mr. McMahon''': Ha ha! Steph! :'''Stephanie McMahon''': ''[overlapping]'' Wishing you luck in your match tonight. :''[Stephanie enters with her daughter-in-crib]'' :'''Mr. McMahon''': Ha ha ha ha! Well, what do we have here, huh? Ha-heh! ''[snarls at Stephanie]'' What the hell are you doing with this baby in here? Bringing my granddaughter in here like this! :'''Stephanie''': Look, I'll just take her away— :'''Mr. McMahon''': Huh? Wha—No, you just leave it right here! :'''Stephanie''': Dad. :'''Mr. McMahon''': I want some good luck and maybe she can give it to me. Okay, relax, okay? ''[to granddaughter]'' Coo coo coo coo...Ha ha ha ha ha~ :''[Mr. McMahon coos some more only to be stopped by Stephanie]'' :'''Mr. McMahon''': ''[to Stephanie]'' I wash my hands. ''[continues to coo granddaughter again with laughter]'' You came to see Grandpop, huh? Yeah, you came to see Grandpop beat up Donald Trump. That's just what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna do that for you— You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna bash Donald Trump's head in. That's what I'm gonna do, yeah— :'''Stephanie''': ''[concerned]'' Dad— :'''Mr. McMahon''': ''[to Stephanie]'' Shut up. ''[to granddaughter]'' And you wanna think I'm gonna do? I'm gonna knoc— I'm gonna give him a skull fracture. How's that, huh? You like Pops to do that? Give the skull fracture? Yeah, I think so. Ha ha ha ha— :'''Stephanie''': ''[concerned]'' Dad— :'''Mr. McMahon''': ''[to Stephanie]'' Easy, now. :'''Stephanie''': You're gonna scare her— :'''Mr. McMahon''': ''[to granddaughter menacingly]'' And, I'm gonna ''bloody him up'', okay? ''I'm gonna bloody him up big time.'' ''[switches to gentle]'' Then I'm gonna shave his head bald. Yeah, I'd be out there pulling it out by the roots. You'd like that, huh? That look good, huh—? :''[McMahon stops himself as he smells something unpleasant]'' :'''Mr. McMahon''': ''[to Stephanie]'' You smell what I smell? Smell it. :''[Stephanie complies and also smells something unpleasant]'' :'''Mr. McMahon''': She just took a ''Trump''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry''': One thing's for sure - we're gonna have ourselves a bald billionaire. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim''': ''[As Mr. McMahon head is being shaved by Donald Trump and Bobby Lashley]'' And King, one of the mys— The great mysteries of life has just been discovered: It was Mr. McMahon's real hair all along. And he just lost it. ==[[w:WrestleMania XXIV|WrestleMania XXIV (2008)]]== :'''Jim Ross''': Welcome to WrestleMania XXIV! <hr width=50%/> :'''{{w|Mike Adamle}}''': Joining me right now, 16-time World Heavyweight Champion, the "Nature Boy" Ric Flair. Ric... :'''"Nature Boy" Ric Flair''': WHOOO! :'''Adamle''': Ric, tonight it could all come to an end. A career-threatening match on the biggest stage in sports-entertainment against the guy they call "Mr. WrestleMania", Shawn Michaels. With so much to lose, with a 35-year career perhaps on the line, what's your game plan? :'''Ric Flair''': My game plan? To be the MAN... WHOOO! <hr width=50%/> :'''"The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels''': ''[to Ric Flair before hitting Sweet Chin Music on him, ending the match and sending Flair into retirement]'' I'm sorry. I love you. :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler:''' Flair wants to fight... Oh! :'''Jim Ross:''' My God, what a shot! Michaels, will it be...? And yes! Yes! <hr width=50%/> :'''{{w|Todd Grisham}}''': Edge, a lot of history could happen tonight at WrestleMania. :'''Edge''': You know, Todd, we saw a career end. We've seen history made tonight already, but more importantly, we'll see history made later on tonight. But I want to set a stage for you. I want to take you back, because I've been thinking back a lot lately, back to when I was a little kid. Back to when I was sitting in the audience at WrestleMania VI. Man, I was so excited. I was watching my hero, Hulk Hogan. I was the biggest Hulkamaniac in Canada. And that day...Hulk Hogan lost. That wasn't the only thing lost that day. See, my innocence was also lost. But it's okay because it's come full circle, it really has. No, people rely on the Undertaker to win at WrestleMania. No matter how pathetic, mundane, or lousy their lives are, they can always count on the Dead Man. But that all changes tonight, it really does. Tonight, they get slapped in the face with a cold, hard dose of reality. There's probably a little kid sitting in that crowd tonight, just like me all those years ago, that believes anything in this world can happen...even 16-0. Tonight...I crush that kid's spirit! I pluck his innocence when I defeat the Undertaker and walk out of WrestleMania the ''true'' phenom and still the World Heavyweight Champion. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonathan Coachman''': Not only is he your new World Champ, but the Streak is still, STILL, intact! The Undertaker is 16-0 at the Grandest Stage of Them All! =={{w|WrestleMania 25}} (2009)== :'''Jim Ross''': ''[on Punk winning Money in the Bank for the second time.]'' {{w|CM Punk}} has done it two years in a row. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': Twenty-five Divas... you know... I guess there are more important things in the world than Divas, but ... what are they? <hr width=50%/> :'''{{w|John Layfield|John "Bradshaw" Layfield}}''': ''[as he makes his way to the ring]'' Thank you Texas! This is the greatest day in JBL's great life. Months ago, I had a ''WrestleMania'' vision, that just as Julius Caesar returned to Rome the conquering hero, I would return to Texas... ''[raises the Intercontinental Championship belt]'' ...champion. At a time when, quite frankly Texas, you've got no champions... Texas, you've got no men. You sit around, you drink your little lattes, you do your pilates, looking through the ''[[w:Houston Chronicle|Houston Chronicle]]'' trying to find a job... at this point in life you need hope, and along comes your hero, JBL! Tonight, I'm going to give you the treat of someone that grew up in Sweetwater, Texas, John Layfield and became the great JBL. You yourself will probably never improve your lot in life, but at least you can look at me and be proud of the fact that I'm your hero, because today I will give you the most dominant victory in WrestleMania history! I will then hop back on my charter plane, return to the greatest city in the world to my famous wife, New York City, as still... your hero. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry''': ''[after Mysterio defeated JBL in 21 seconds]'' I don't understand that. JBL promised something historic here tonight. :'''Michael Cole''': Well, it was something historic. :'''Jerry''': What? :'''Michael''': Mysterio wins the Intercontinental Title for the very first time. :'''Jerry''': No, that can't be it. :'''Jim''': And now JBL just might understand how the brave Texans felt at the Alamo. It was a bad day at the office. :'''Michael''': Mysterio ensured the joke was on JBL here tonight. What a WrestleMania moment. :'''Jerry''': I'm in shock. :'''Michael''': So's JBL. :''[JBL grabs the microphone and gets up, not sure now of what to say]'' :'''JBL''': I've got something to say. ''[The crowd's boos get louder]'' :'''Jerry''': I can't wait to hear this excuse. Camera flash got in his eyes, maybe? :'''Jim''': Open-mouth disease? :'''Jerry''': This has got to be embarrassing. :'''JBL''': I...I...I... I QUIT!!! ''[crowd cheers]'' :'''Jerry''': What?...What did he just say? :''[JBL drops the mic, still looking a bit confused]'' :'''Jim''': He said he quit! :'''Jerry''': What? I don't believe - I don't know if JBL even believes what he just said! :'''Michael''': Has any...has anybody ever...just quit, at WrestleMania? :'''Jerry''': That I know of! :'''Jim''': Pretty historic. :'''Jerry''' ''[as JBL exits the ring]'': There's still time to reconsider! :'''Jim''': Are we seeing JBL leave the ring, conclusively, for the last time? :''[JBL starts walking back up the ramp]'' :'''JBL''' ''[pointing to the crowd]'': You're gonna miss JBL! You are gonna MISS JBL!! :'''Jerry''': I think he's not gonna - he's not gonna reconsider; if that's the case, he - he HAS made history here tonight, but certainly not the kind that we expected! :'''Michael''': Not that he expected, either! :'''JBL''' ''[still shouting to the crowd]'': ...I promise you, you will regret this!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim''': ''[about Undertaker slapping his leg]'' It wasn't for good luck, it was for circulation. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim''': ''[after Shawn Michaels kicks out of Undertaker's Tombstone]'' I just had an out of body experience!!! ''[the camera focuses on Undertaker's disbelief]'' The Undertaker's eyes tell a greater story than we could ever. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry''': ''[after Undertaker vs Shawn Michaels]'' This is what WrestleMania is all about. <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael''': Indeed, sometimes it's hell getting to Heaven. :'''Jim''': I feel like we've just seen heaven. What a match. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry''': The problem here is Edge and Cena are down and the Big Show is angry. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry''': ''[at Randy Orton's entrance]'' You know somehow, evil shouldn’t look that good. I mean this guy looks like he is chiseled out of stone and ready to do some serious damage. <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael''': The referee is reinforcing the rules. He reminded Triple H that if he is disqualified or counted out, he loses the Championship. :'''Jim''': Which means Randy Orton is the new WWE Champion, bottom line. :'''Michael''': Will it be Orton’s law or Triple H’s game for the WWE Championship? :'''Jim''': Is Triple H really the cure for Randy Orton’s disease? :'''Michael''': Triple H has said that cowardice is Randy Orton's disease. =={{w|WrestleMania XXVI}} (2010)== :'''Michael Cole''': He is the son of WWE Hall of Famer Cowboy Bob Orton. Eighteen months ago, Randy Orton formed Legacy — second and third-generation stars which had a winning pedigree, and win they did, including WWE Title reigns for Randy Orton. But, King, it's only natural as confidence grew for {{w|Ted DiBiase, Jr.|DiBiase}} and {{w|Cody Rhodes|Rhodes}} that they would want to fly away from the nest, as they are doing here tonight. :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': Why is that only natural? Why not keep a cohesive successful unit together? I don't agree with what Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase have done. :'''{{w|Matt Striker}}''': The WWE is about individual achievement, it's about leaving a legacy. The difference with Randy Orton is that this is his destiny and not his legacy. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry''': You guys see, does this remind you of anything? :'''Michael''': It reminds me of what Randy Orton does to his opponents. :'''Jerry''': Yeah, these guys are using what they learned from Randy Orton against him now. :'''Matt''': As every good student should. :'''Jerry''': Every good student should turn against their mentor? :'''Matt''': No, every good student should use what they learned. <hr width=50%/> :'''CM Punk''': Over 70,000 weak-minded individuals who think, because they're so hopped up on hallucinogenic drugs, that Rey Mysterio is a superhero. Over 70,000 people that think if they pop a pill or if they take a drink, that somehow their problems will go away, just like they think their superhero, Rey Mysterio will make the monster go away. Except I am not a monster, I am a savior, and I can save Rey Mysterio! I can lead you all to a better place, and I will lead you all by example because I choose to be drug-free! I choose to be better than each and every single one of you! Tonight, Rey Mysterio does not have a choice. I will beat him, he will join my Straight Edge Society, and in doing so, 70,000 people just like you will choose me as their savior, and the Straight Edge Society will live on, one nation under Punk, indivisible, with integrity and sobriety for all. :'''Jerry''': That's scary. That's scary. :'''Michael''': I take it you're rooting for Rey. :'''Jerry''': I don't wanna be in this guy's cult. :'''Matt''': You see two members of the Straight Edge Society, there are countless others across the nation. Live events, wherever we go, people come to be saved by CM Punk. :... :'''Matt''': What would that do to Rey Mysterio? What would that do to Rey Mysterio's family? :'''Jerry''': I don't know, but the names Jim Jones and Charles Manson come to mind. <hr width=50%/> :'''Matt''': As the evening chases away the day, we say bring on the night! <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael''' ''[after Vince introduces his "lumberjacks"]'' Ladies and gentlemen, that is the {{w|Hart wrestling family|Hart family}}. You see {{w|Harry Smith (wrestler)|David Hart Smith}}, {{w|Natalya (wrestler)|Natalya}} walking in with the rest of the Hart family behind Mr. McMahon. You gotta be kidding me! Look at this! :'''Matt''': This is the same Hart family we saw earlier at WrestleMania after honoring their father {{w|Stu Hart}}, who was inducted into the Hall of Fame. Has Vince bought the Hart family?! :'''Michael''': This is disgusting! :'''Jerry''': I just can't help but think back, last we heard from Vince McMahon last week on ''Raw'' when he...his final chilling words, he said, "Bret, no matter what, at WrestleMania, you're screwed." Did he already know? :'''Michael''': Will Mr. McMahon stop at nothing to humiliate this man? Ladies and gentlemen, Bret Hart was one of Mr. McMahon's most important and lucrative superstars. In late 1997, Bret's contract was coming to an end, they couldn't reach an agreement, Bret headed out of the company. What does Mr. McMahon do on one of his last nights here? He {{w|Montreal Screwjob|screws Bret Hart out of the Championship in Montreal}}, one of the most controversial events of all time! :'''Matt''': Guys, I gotta tell you – this is genius. I love this. :'''Jerry''': No, this is not genius. :'''Matt''': Yeah, there's Bruce Hart. :'''Michael''': It's ''evil'' genius is what it is, Matt. :'''Matt''': Smith Hart, Stu's firstborn son. :'''Michael''': In many ways, this is pathetic. :'''Matt''': Why? :'''Michael''': Because it's pathetic. Because Mr. McMahon cannot let bygones be bygones. For thirteen years this has been going on! Bret Hart came back here to bury the hatchet; he did so with Shawn Michaels, and now this. :... :'''Bret "Hit Man" Hart''': You've all agreed to this? Bruce, you've agreed to this? There's not much I can do about it. What's done is done. There's one thing I know about the Hart family – you all got paid up front, didn't you? Got your money, cashed your checks, put it in the bank? ''[Everyone nods]'' Well, there's one thing I learned from the Montreal Screwjob: that's that there's nothing sweeter than a good double-cross. See, the thing here, Vince, is the Hart family – we're stronger than ever and we're united as one tonight. They told me what you were trying to do and we all agreed ahead of time. We all know about your little tricks, but tonight, this your greatest creation of them all, WrestleMania, it's gonna be forever remembered as the night that Bret screwed Vince! :'''Matt''': Wait a minute. Oh! The Hart family's on the take! <hr width=50%/> :'''Matt''': ''[after Natalya slaps Vince]'' Best of luck in your future endeavors, Natalya! <hr width=50%/> :'''Matt''': This is the chairman and CEO of a publicly traded company being treated like this. :'''Michael''': Yeah, but how about how he treated Bret Hart? How about that, Matt? Besides, Mr. McMahon signed up for this. Mr. McMahon agreed to this match-up. :'''Matt''': Not under these conditions. :'''Michael''': He tried to buy the Hart family off, they just turned the tables on him. Mr. McMahon would've done the same thing. :'''Jerry''': Before that, Matt, Mr. McMahon put Bret up to ''being'' in this match when he thought Bret had a broken leg. :'''Matt''': If I've learned one thing from Mr. McMahon, it's that you never do bad business, and this is bad business by the Harts. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry''': Mr. McMahon looks like a pathetic preacher right now. :'''Matt''': I'm gonna tell him you said that. <hr width=50%/> :'''{{w|Vickie Guerrero}}''': ''[to Kelly Kelly]'' EXCUSE ME!!!! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! :''[Kelly kicks her in the stomach]'' :'''Michael''': I don't think Kelly Kelly cares. <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael''': ''[after Shawn Michaels mocks the Undertaker's signal for the Tombstone Piledriver, he slaps him]'' Well, if Shawn Michaels is going out, he's going out as defiant as ever. :'''Jerry''': ''[in his anger, the Undertaker picks up Michaels and turns him upside down]'' That look of disbelief on the face of the Undertaker has turned into a look of rage! ''[Undertaker hits the Tombstone]'' ACK! :'''Michael''': TOMBSTONE! TOMBSTONE! ''[Undertaker folds Michaels' arms and covers him]'' Here's the cover! ''[Charles Robinson counts three]'' The Undertaker is 18-0! Shawn Michaels' career is over. :'''Justin Roberts''': The winner of this match: The Undertaker! <hr width=50%/> :'''The Undertaker''': ''[After helping Shawn Michaels up on his feet]'' You're one tough son of a bitch. ''[Shakes Shawn's hand and embraced]'' =={{w|WrestleMania XXVII}} (2011)== :'''The Rock''': Finally, the Rock has come back to Atlanta! And finally, the Rock has come back to WrestleMania! The Rock promises that this will be the most memorable WrestleMania of all time. The electricity is in the air! It's all around us! Can you FEEL it? Can you TASTE it?! Can you SMELL it?!? ''[The crowd reacts to every sentence he says. When he is done, the crowd chants "Rocky".]'' We are making history - ''right now'' we're making history, so we're gonna do something special. Atlanta, we're gonna have some fun. ''[the crowd reacts]'' When the Rock says "Wrestle", the people will say "Mania". Wrestle... :'''Crowd''': ''[responding]'' Mania... :'''The Rock''': Wrestle... :'''Crowd''': Mania... :'''The Rock''': Wrestle... :'''Crowd''': Mania! :'''The Rock''': And to all the WWE Super... the Rock is getting goosebumps, Good Lord almighty! And to all the WWE Superstars, past and present, and to one WWE Superstar in particular, ''[referring to John Cena]'' who right now is in the back trying to decide which rainbow Fruity Pebble T-Shirt he's going to put on tonight... ''[The Rock signals for some water. Again the crowd chants "Rocky".]'' Oh, this is gonna get good, this is gonna get good. Before we do this next one, let the Rock take a drink of water. But this ain't ''any'' water. This is the ''People's'' Water! ''[The crowd reacts.]'' When the Rock says "Yabba", the people say "Dabba". Yabba... :'''Crowd''': Dabba... :'''The Rock''': Yabba... :'''Crowd''': Dabba... :'''The Rock''': Yabba... :'''Crowd''': Dabba! :'''The Rock''': And this last one, this last one needs no introduction whatsoever. It's the Rock, the People's Champ. He's never alone. He's with the millions... :'''Crowd''': AND MILLIONS! :'''The Rock''': He's with the millions... :'''Crowd''': AND MILLIONS! :'''The Rock''': ...of the Rock's fans, because this ''is'' Wrestlemania, this ''is'' the Showcase of the Immortals, and this ''is'' hosted by the jabroni beatin', lalalalao! Pie eatin', trail blazin', eyebrow raisin', heart stopping, elbow dropping, electrifying the dirty south, so know your role and shut your mouth, the Brahma Bull, ever defiant, standing as tall as Andre the Giant. This night, WrestleMania, Atlanta, the Georgia Dome, is bigger than Christmas, so no offense, Santa, because The Rock is bringing it all over At-lanta! ''[The crowd again chants "Rocky"]'' If you s... ''[stops]'' Oh no no no no no NO! No... that catchphrase is the most famous, the most electrifying catchphrase in the world! Men, women, children of all ages, races - they say it. So this is going to be special, because that catchphrase doesn't belong to the Rock, that catchphrase belongs to the people. So, Atlanta, we're gonna do something special, we're gonna electrify the ''world''! ''Everybody'', everybody on your feet! You're already ''on'' your feet! So everybody, right now feel the electricity! Assume the position with the Rock, 'cause we're not saying it, we're saying it loud and proud and we're saying it together. ''[the crowd joins in]'' IF YOU SMELLLLLL-LALALALAO, WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN'! <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael Cole''': Look at this man, CM Punk. He is a charismatic figure. The people follow him, and he has one thing to get him through, and that thing is faith. :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': He's got about as many followers as you've got Cole Miners. <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael''': Can I have your attention please? Can I have your attention please? There he is, "Good ol' JR", Jim Ross, the man with the second-biggest ego in sports-entertainment. Hey, JR, I like how you're waddling your way down to the ring. Glad you're staying in shape since I took your job. You know who the man is with the biggest ego in the entire world? None other than my opponent tonight, Jerry Lawler. You know, Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross have a lot in common — they're both overweight,... :'''Crowd''': What?! :'''Michael''': ''[cont'd]'' They're both overrated,... :'''Crowd''': What?! :'''Michael''': and they're both over the hill! You know, I've been thinking a lot over the past 24 hours about...about this match here tonight, and what I've been thinking about is Jerry Lawler has been in this business about as long as I've been alive, yet tonight is Jerry Lawler's first WrestleMania. And guess what, all you Cole Miners — this is ''Michael Cole's'' first WrestleMania. So, ladies and gentlemen, when tonight is over, and this main event is concluded, JR, you're gonna go back to making really bad barbecue sauce; Jerry Lawler, you're gonna be embarrassed and humiliated; and Stone Cold Steve Austin's gonna raise my hand in victory; and then all of you, all over the world, you are gonna proclaim me the new Mr. WrestleMania! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry''': When you're as pretty as {{w|Michelle McCool}}, you don't like to be dropped flat on your face. :'''Jim Ross''': When you're as ugly as ''I'' am, you don't like to be dropped flat on your face. :'''Jerry''': If anything happened to ''your'' face, it'd be an improvement. :'''Jim''': Exactly. <hr width=50%/> :'''The Rock''': ''[after the WWE Championship match ends in a double count-out]'' Can I have your attention please? I've just received an e-mail from the anonymous ''Raw'' General Manager. ''[He opens the laptop and begins reading from it a la Michael Cole]'' And I quote: "As ''Raw'' General Manager, I think..." IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK! ''[He tosses the laptop to the floor and enters the ring]'' The Rock is the host of WrestleMania, and the Rock says there is no way WrestleMania is over! The Rock says this match must restart right now! No disqualification, no count-out, no time limit, no doubt about it, no cryin' to your mama, no way on God's green earth under God's hot sun in this beautiful Georgia Dome will this match end like that! So you can take your double count-out, take your little computer, take your awesome, take your Fruity Pebbles, roll them all up in a ball, turn them sumbitches sideways, and stick 'em straight up your candy-ass! It is time to give the people what they want! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry''': Undertaker will absolutely do anything to keep that streak alive, but J.R., you and I both know...nothing lasts forever. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim''': And somehow, some way, the Streak lives! =={{w|WrestleMania XXVIII}} (2012)== :'''Crowd''': ''[chant during the Divas match]'' DANIEL BRYAN! <hr width=50%/> :'''Matt Striker''': We are now just moments away. As the guest referee inside Hell in a Cell, you must be filled with conflicted emotions. Shawn, your thoughts? :'''"The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels''': This match is the end of an era. Something's coming to an end. It's either the end of the Streak, which means the end of the Undertaker, or it's the end of the Game, which means he couldn't do what I couldn't do. Facing the Undertaker ended my career. Isn't it ironic that I hold the power in the palm of my hand to end an era? <hr width=50%/> [During the epic Hell in a Cell match, Shawn Michaels tosses away the steel chair from Triple H who administered 15 chair shots to the Undertaker] :'''Triple H''' : [To referee Shawn Michaels]: YOU WANT IT DONE? THEN YOU END IT! :'''Shawn Michaels''': JUST COVER HIM! It doesn't have to be like this, just co⁠— YOU KNOW HE'S NOT GONNA QUIT! COVER HIM! :''[Shawn sees Triple H grabbing another chair and stops him]'' :'''Shawn Michaels''': C'mon, just hold! [goes to check The Undertaker] Taker, it's one match, c'mon. :''[Undertaker shakes his heads in defiance]'' :'''Shawn Michaels''': Let me— :''[Triple H shoves Shawn away and administers three more chair shots to The Undertaker]'' :'''Triple H''' : [To referee Shawn Michaels] YOU WANT IT DONE? THEN YOU END IT! END IT, OR I WILL! :'''Shawn Michaels''': [goes to check The Undertaker again] Please, c'mon. :'''The Undertaker''': [To Shawn Michaels:] Don't stop it. Don't stop it!...DO NOT...STOP IT! :''[Later in the match, Triple H grabs a Sledgehammer from outside the ring, but Shawn Michaels confronts him]'' :'''Shawn Michaels''': You know he ain't gonna quit. :'''Triple H''': I don't care. You end it or I will. You wanna show compassion? I'm not. :'''Shawn''': You know he's not gonna stop. :'''Triple H''': I don't care Shawn. I'm ending this one way or the other. End it, or I will. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim Ross''': I tell you, in four decades of sitting at ringside, I can honestly say I have never ''ever'' witnessed anything like what we have just seen. :'''Michael Cole''': The Undertaker is 20-0 at WrestleMania! :'''Jim''': ''[as the Undertaker tries to get up]'' Look at the Undertaker's back; he's just fighting to get back up. The era has ended, we will never see it again, and what a way to go. <hr width=50%/> :''[As Undertaker, Triple H and Shawn hug at the top of the ramp]'' :'''Jim''': A standing ovation from 78,363, and a moment that will live in infamy in WWE, an image that we will never replicate, an image that we'll all remember forever. <hr width=50%/> :'''John Cena''': We got people behind the scoreboard! ==[[w:WrestleMania 29|WrestleMania 29]] (2013)== :'''John "Bradshaw" Layfield''': ''[on {{w|The Shield (professional wrestling)|the Shield}}]'' I've wrestled with the Fabulous Freebirds. What they brought to the house, what they brought to this business was improved by the Horsemen, was perfected, some say, by the NWO. This team right here can do something none of them have ever done at WrestleMania. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': It was pretty impressive. I'm not gonna say they're the greatest thing since sliced bread, I don't know that they're the greatest team in sports-entertainment. :'''JBL''': I don't know if you can name anybody better. Do you believe in the Shield now? If not, you should. <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael Cole''': Well, statistics are on the side of Team Hell No in this match tonight. 53% of defending champions are successful in WrestleMania. And {{w|Daniel Bryan}} will start things off against {{w|Dolph Ziggler}} with the Tag Team Championship up for grabs here tonight at WrestleMania. :'''JBL''': Would you bet on that, if you had a 53-47 chance. :'''Michael''': Not at all. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dolph Ziggler''': I got this! I got this! ''[to {{w|AJ Lee}}]'' Lay it on me. :''[AJ plants a kiss on Dolph]'' :'''Michael''': Oh, now this is just sticking it to Daniel Bryan. Remember last year at WrestleMania, and AJ Lee good-luck kissed... ''[As Dolph turns around, Daniel kicks him upside the head and goes for the pin]'' Oh God, look out! Daniel Bryan... :'''JBL''': It's over! It's over! :''[Referee counts, but Dolph kicks out]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Crowd''': ''[during the World Heavyweight Championship match]'' WE WANT ZIGGLER! <hr width=50%/> :'''Half of crowd''': ''[alternating]'' UNDERTAKER! :'''Other half''': CM PUNK! <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael''': Can you say 21-0?! :'''JBL''': MetLife just exploded! :'''{{w|Justin Roberts}}''': The winner of this match: The Undertaker! :'''Michael''': Year after year after year, opponent after opponent after opponent, the will and the perseverance for the most incredible performer in WrestleMania history! The Undertaker is now 21-0 at WrestleMania! :'''JBL''': It's the holy grail of winning streaks, Michael! The greatest streak alive! ==[[w:WrestleMania XXX|WrestleMania XXX]] (2014)== :'''John "Bradshaw" Layfield''': Look at this, that is insulting, Daniel Bryan sticking his hand out like that, mocking Triple H. What a disrespectful move. :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': JBL, how short is your memory? Have you drinking milk from forgetful cows? Milk of amnesia? Let me tell you something. You realize the last time Daniel Bryan stuck his hand out, Triple H put handcuffs on him. :'''JBL''': He should've, he broke the law. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry''': WrestleMania has just turned into YES!leMania! :'''Michael Cole''': The YES! Movement has beaten the Authority! :'''JBL''': History has already been made at WrestleMania! I cannot believe what I have just witnessed. This garden creature just beat the Game. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry''': Wrestling the Shield's like being married to Larry King—you know it's gonna be painful, but it's not gonna last long. <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael''': {{w|Kofi Kingston}} ''[by {{w|Antonio Cesaro|Cesaro}}]'' ...lobbed over the top rope and he's out. ''[The referees notice that Kofi's feet are still on the steps]'' Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa! :'''JBL''': You gotta be kidding me! :'''Jerry''': His feet didn't hit the floor. :'''Michael''': Kofi's feet did not hit the floor. ''[Kofi scoots onto the steps and re-enters the ring]'' That is incredible! That is incredible! :'''JBL''': I love this young guy! <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael''': Uppercut by Cesaro again. ''[Cesaro picks up the Big Show]'' LOOK AT THE POWER! :'''JBL''': No way! :'''Michael''': YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME! YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME! ''[Cesaro dumps the Big Show out of the ring, winning the match]'' CESARO WINS THE BATTLE ROYAL! :'''Jerry''': OH MY GOD! :'''JBL''': The Swiss Superman! :'''Lilian Garcia''': The winner of the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal: Cesaro! :'''Michael''': Cesaro has his WrestleMania Moment. <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael''': John, would a victory tonight for {{w|Brock Lesnar}} be the greatest conquer of his career? :'''JBL''': Absolutely. 3-time WWE Champion; IWGP Champion; his third UFC fight, he won the Heavyweight Championship; in his fourth UFC fight, UFC 100, he unified the Heavyweight Championship, National Champion 2000; 2008 ''Sports Illustrated'' Newcomer of the Year; all of that pales in comparison if Brock Lesnar ends the Streak tonight. :'''Jerry''': You know what else would be worse than awful if Brock Lesnar ends the Streak? It would probably submit that walrus Paul Heyman's legacy as possibly the greatest strategist, possibly the best manager ever. :'''JBL''': I disagree. Right now, he is arguably the greatest manager. I say you take off any of those caveats, he becomes the greatest manager of all time if he leads the Beast Incarnate, Brock Lesnar, to victory tonight. :'''Jerry''': That's what I was saying. The big word is "if". <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael''': ''[about Undertaker]'' You’re looking at the most incredible performer in WrestleMania history. The only question now is: Is Brock Lesnar intimidated? <hr width=50%/> :''[During the Undertaker/Brock Lesnar match]'' :'''Paul Heyman''': ''[to Brock Lesnar]'' This is your destiny. You hear me?! THIS is YOUR destiny! This is what you worked for! This is what you trained for! This is your moment! Not his, yours! ALL YOURS! 21-1...and you are the one! Are you going to let him deprive you of this?! He's taking this away from you! You are Brock Lesnar! You're a conqueror! You're a beast! <hr width=50%/> :''[Brock Lesnar has kicked out of the Tombstone]'' :'''Michael''': Undertaker signals it's over. :'''JBL''': Maybe he's not human. :''[Undertaker picks up Lesnar for another Tombstone]'' :'''Michael''': Again...''[Lesnar falls back onto his feet and picks up Undertaker]'' Brock Lesnar counter. Brock Lesnar counter! Lesnar counter! He's got Undertaker over his shoulders again! :'''Jerry''': Not again! :'''Michael''': Going for a triple! ''[Lesnar hits the F-5]'' A third F-5 on the Undertaker! Brock Lesnar into the cover! Hooks the leg! ''[Chad Patton counts to three]'' The Streak is over. :'''Heyman''': OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! YOU DID IT! YOU DID IT! ''[With the arena in shock, Heyman rushes to Lesnar]'' You did it! You did it! You did it! You beat him, Brock! You conquered the Streak! Brock, you did it! You did it! :'''Justin Roberts''': ''[a little bit shocked, just like everyone else in the arena or stadium]'' Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this match: Brock Lesnar. :''[Lesnar and Heyman leave the ring]'' :'''Jerry''': I'm speechless. :'''JBL''': So are 75,000 people here. :'''Michael''': The Undertaker's mortal. :'''JBL''': I was hoping I wouldn't see it. :'''Michael''': I honestly thought I'd never see it. :'''JBL''': I guess fairytales do end. :'''Michael''': Brock Lesnar just cemented his legacy as one of the greatest performers in WWE history. :'''Heyman''': 21-1! :'''Jerry''': Guys, you still gotta admit, the man who has cemented his legacy is the Undertaker. The longest-running streak, 21 straight victories at WrestleMania. That will never, never ever be duplicated. :'''JBL''': The king of the jungle is now Brock Lesnar, and the greatest manager of all time is Paul Heyman. :'''Jerry''': Heyman vowed that he and Brock Lesnar would end the Streak. They did. <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael''': Daniel Bryan...knee to {{w|Dave Batista|Batista}}! Knee to Batista! Knee to Batista! ''[Daniel cinches the YES! Lock on Batista]'' Come on, Bryan! Come on, Bryan! YES! Lock! Come on, Daniel! Come on, Daniel! :'''Jerry''': Has he got him? :'''Michael ''': Tap out Batista! :'''Jerry''': He's got him! :'''Michael''': Tap out Batista! Tap out Batista! :'''JBL''': No way! No way! :'''Michael''': Batista's gonna tap! Batista's gonna tap! ''[Batista taps out]'' :'''Jerry''': OH, YES! :'''JBL''': He taps! :'''Michael''': HE DID IT! HE DID IT! DANIEL BRYAN DID IT! :'''JBL''': You gotta be kidding me! :'''Michael''': THE MIRACLE KID! THE MIRACLE KID! A MIRACLE ON [[w:Bourbon Street|BOURBON STREET]]! :'''Justin''': The winner of this match as a result of a submission...and NEW WWE World Heavyweight Champion: Daniel Bryan! :'''Michael''': The impossible dream has become reality! Did anyone expect this? :'''Jerry''': Absolutely not! They hoped for it! :'''Michael''': Did everyone ''want'' this?! :'''Jerry''': YES! YES! YES! :'''JBL''': Daniel Bryan has overcome the Authority. :'''Michael''': There's your new face of WWE! Daniel Bryan has done it! :'''JBL''': Dreams come true. :'''Jerry''': ''[continues to chant as pyrotechnics explode on the stage]'' YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! :'''Michael''': April 6, 2014—the night Daniel Bryan's arrived! =={{w|WrestleMania 31}} (2015)== :''[The WrestleMania 31 introduction]'' :'''L.L. Cool J''': The world has become a lot smaller. We've all been connected. From the dawn of the radio, to the golden age of television. From Silicon Valley to the internet and beyond. A shared photo, a viral video, a thought for the whole world to read in the span of 140 characters, entertainment has evolved. The mediums have changed. But the one thing that has remained the same. The one constant. The one universal similarity...is us. Me. You. Us here. The human connection. The feeling you get when you're surrounding by a sea of strangers, but somehow you feel like you know them all. It's that instant you realize you have something in common. That moment, that emotion, that split second when you say, man that was awesome. Decades ago, the world saw the irrestible force meet the immovable object, and millions overcame the impossible as one. We saw a boyhood dream become reality, and together, we cried tears of joy. We saw the passing of the torch, as one generation christened the next, and that generation created a once in a lifetime event. All these things, these indoubtable moments, these benchmarks that shape our history at the core do one thing...they connect us. Tonight, these men, these women, these athletes, these larger than life superstars, will take the biggest stage in live entertainment, to once again inspire us, move us, shape us. They will..connect us. Tonight, the world will be watching. This is WrestleMania. <hr width=50%> :'''[[Arnold Schwarzenegger]]''': [introduces Triple H before his match between him and Sting] WrestleMania. Judgment Day is here. It's time to play the Game. <hr width=50%> :''[After [[Ronda Rousey]] aids The Rock in laying out both Triple H and Stephanie McMahon in the ring]'' :'''The Rock''': Now that right there, that is called being owned! <hr width=50%> :'''Brock Lesnar''': ''[to Roman Reigns]'' Suplex City, bitch! <hr width=50%> :'''Jerry “The King” Lawler''': It’s him! He’s returned! :'''Michael Cole''': The Deadman cometh. Bray Wyatt can talk a big game, but John, you have been in the ring during the entrance of that man, The Undertaker. :'''John "Bradshaw" Layfield''': Bray Wyatt wanted to dance with the Devil, welcome to Hell. <hr width=50%> :'''Michael''': ''[as Bray Wyatt does his spider crawl/walk to Undertaker]'' That, indeed, is the New Face of Fear. ''[The Undertaker suddenly sits up, shocking/surprising everybody! It also makes Wyatt stop in his tracks]'' :'''John "Bradshaw" Layfield''': Not yet! Not just yet! :'''Jerry''': Whoa, what a WrestleMania moment! Look at that! :'''Michael''': And Bray Wyatt melting away as he’s looking into the eyes of the Deadman! <hr width=50%> :'''Michael''': ''[as Lesnar holds Reigns up for a fourth F-5]'' Lesnar... ''[Lesnar hits it and rolls away]'' F-5! A vicious F-5! Who can capitalize? :'''Jerry''': Heyman's screaming, "cover him, cover him!" :'''Michael''': Turning point of the match! :''[Seth Rollins' music blares out and the crowd reacts]'' :'''JBL''': What the hell? :'''Michael''': What on earth? :''[Seth Rollins sprints to the ring, his Money in the Bank briefcase (containing a contract to wrestle for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship) in hand]'' :'''JBL''': This is brilliant! :'''Michael''': Seth Rollins! :'''JBL''': This is brilliant! :'''Michael''': Mr. Money in the Bank! ''[Seth slides into the ring]'' What the hell? ''[Rollins hands the briefcase to referee Mike Chioda, and tells Chioda he is cashing in his contract immediately]'' :'''JBL''': He... :'''Michael''': Are you kidding me?! :'''Jerry''': How can he do this?! :'''Michael''': I have no idea! :'''Mike Chioda''': ''[signalling to ring announcer Lilian Garcia]'' C'mere! :'''Seth Rollins''': COME ON! C'MON, C'MON, C'MON! :'''Chioda''': ''[to Lilian, handing the briefcase over]'' Seth Rollins is cashing in. :'''Michael''': I mean, this ''is'' Money in the Bank, but... I mean, ''wait'' a minute! :'''Lilian Garcia''': Ladies and gentlemen, Seth Rollins is cashing in his Money in the Bank. :'''Michael''': B-b-but, there's a match going! :'''Lilian''': Therefore, this will now be a triple threat match! :'''Michael''': A triple threat match?! :'''Jerry''': What?! :'''Michael''': ''[as Seth kicks Roman out of the ring]'' What the hell? ''[The bell rings]'' Rollins knocks Reigns out of the ring! Seth Rollins now turns his attention to Lesnar! :'''JBL''': Seth Rollins is one Curb Stomp away from being the WWE World Heavyweight Champion! :'''Michael''': Rollins going for the Curb Stomp... :'''JBL''': Here it is! ''[Rollins hits the Curb Stomp on Lesnar]'' :'''Jerry''': WHOA! :'''Michael''': Curb Stomp to Lesnar! :'''JBL''': The future is now! :'''Michael''': Seth Rollins... ''[Rollins looks back to see Reigns is still down, then turns back to Lesnar]'' checking on Reigns! :'''JBL''': Seth is gonna finish him. Taking no chances here at all. ''[Rollins goes for another Curb Stomp, but Lesnar catches him to set up an F-5]'' :'''Michael''': Went for another Curb Stomp, Lesnar...Lesnar picked him out of the air. ''[Lesnar turns around, only to catch a Spear from Reigns]'' Reigns with a Spear! :'''Jerry''': OH! :'''Michael''': A ripping Spear! ''[Seth hits the Curb Stomp on Reigns and goes for the pin]'' Curb Stomp on Reigns! :'''Jerry''': Look out! :'''Michael''': Cover by Rollins! ''[Chioda counts to three]'' ROLLINS WON THE TITLE! ROLLINS WON THE TITLE! :'''Jerry''': Wait a minute! :'''Michael''': SETH ROLLINS WINS THE TITLE! :'''Jerry''': Are you kidding me?! :'''Lilian''': Here is your winner and the NEW WWE World Heavyweight Champion: Seth Rollins! ''[Rollins runs out of the ring and up the ramp]'' :'''JBL''': First time in WrestleMania history, someone's cashed in Money in the Bank and walking out WWE World Heavyweight Champion! He stole one! :'''Michael''': Seth Rollins... Seth Rollins... Rollins with the heist of the century! :'''JBL''': Brilliant! Brilliant! :'''Michael''': Seth Rollins is the WWE World Heavyweight Champion! :'''Jerry''': I cannot believe my eyes! The unthinkable has happened! :'''Michael''': And he never pinned the champ. He never pinned the champ! Triple threat rules! ''[Off the replay]'' Spear to Lesnar, Curb Stomp, Rollins capitalizing! Ingenious! Ingenious! :'''JBL''': Absolutely brilliant! That is the Architect! That man built the Shield, that man tore down the Shield, and today at WrestleMania, he is the WWE World Heavyweight Champion! The future is now! :'''Jerry''': Roman Reigns and Brock Lesnar beat the holy hell out of each other, and this opportunist comes in and literally steals the World Heavyweight Championship! =={{w|WrestleMania 32}} (2016)== :'''Kevin Owens''': ''[to Sami Zayn]'' Who do you think you are?! This is KOMania, go back to NXT! <hr width=50%> :'''Audience member''': ''[after Dean Ambrose nails Brock Lesnar with a laptop]'' I hope you're backed up. <hr width=50%> :'''Michael Cole''': For the 14th time in his career, The Undertaker enters (or steps) inside (or into) HIS yard. Hell in a Cell. <hr width=50%> :'''Stephanie McMahon''': ''[introducing Triple H]'' Rise at the presence of the Authority & show your respect. You are merely the blind sheep who follow. You exist to serve us. We are the providers and the protectors. We are the leaders, the chiefs, and the generals. We are the absolute power. WE OWN YOU! You are mere barrels of humanity hanging onto the empty notion of hope - hope for a savior. Hope that someone or something will take away the pain. That is your pathetic lives. Well hope will pulverize at the hands of reality and tonight will be no different because after tonight, all hope will be gone! Because there can be only one who stands in this - the coliseum of the immortals as the Undisputed champion. Only one who takes the breath of his opponents with barbaric fortitude. Only one who wears the sharpened crown. Now bow down and grovel at his feet. He is the King. The King of Kings. The Cerebral Assassin. The Game - TRIPLE H!!!! <hr width=50%> :'''Michael''': ''[Triple H signals to a downed Stephanie McMahon, who hands Triple H a sledgehammer]'' Oh my God, Stephanie... Stephanie's handed... handed Triple H his signature sledgehammer! Again, if Triple H is disqualified, he will retain the championship! He'll lose the match officially, but it won't matter to him! :'''John "Bradshaw" Layfield''': Referee has seen it. ''[The referee admonishes Triple H]'' If Triple H uses it, he gets disqualified, but you're right! He walks out of here WWE Champion. ''[Triple H shoves the referee aside]'' :'''Michael''': That could've been a disqualification - ''[suddenly, Reigns strikes Triple H with the Superman Punch]'' oh, SUPERMAN PUNCH! ''[Triple H, reeling, slowly gets up, only to be met by another Superman Punch]'' Another one by Reigns! ''[Reigns howls and bounces off the ropes, as Triple H reaches his feet. He attempts to hit Reigns with the butt of the sledgehammer, but Reigns ducks, avoiding the blow]'' Missed with the sledgehammer! ''[Reigns hits the Spear]'' SPEAR! SPEAR BY REIGNS! Cover; hooks the leg! ''[The referee counts three]'' REIGNS IS THE CHAMPION! REIGNS IS THE WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! :'''Lilian Garcia''': Here is your winner, and the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion, Roman Reigns! :'''Michael''': It is the renaissance of the Roman Empire! And it's left the Authority in shambles! =={{w|WrestleMania 33}} (2017)== :'''Big E''': Ladies and gentlemen, as your WrestleMania hosts, we must inform you that we have just received word... ''[the audience reacts]'' ...that this ladder match has now become a Fatal Four-Way! :'''Xavier Woods''': Which means that there is one more team involved in this match. :'''Kofi Kingston''': Now... I wonder who this fourth team... could possibly be. :'''Audience''': WHO? WHO? WHO? :''[The New Day slowly begin to step toward the ring when, all of a sudden, another team's familiar music plays. The New Day abruptly step back as...]'' :'''Corey Graves''': WHAT?! :'''Michael Cole''': OH MY! :'''Bryon Saxton''': You gotta be kidding me! :''[The Hardy Boyz enter the arena]'' :'''Michael''': Things are about to be broken! Team Xtreme is back! {{W|Matt Hardy|Matt}} and {{W|Jeff Hardy|Jeff}}! {{W|The Hardy Boyz}} are here! :'''Bryon''': I got goosebumps! :'''Michael''': You’ve gotta be kidding me! <hr width=50%> ''[After John Cena and Nikki Bella defeat The Miz & Maryse in a Mixed Tag Team Match]'' :'''John Cena''': This... this is what you wanted over a year ago. You broke your neck and you did everything you could to come back, because you wanted a WrestleMania moment. I'm so very proud of you, but I can remember right before you were ready to go into surgery, I told you there'd be a time where you'd be a little bit loopy and I could ask you anything I wanted. And you would give me an honest answer and you wouldn't remember what we talked about. And for a year and a half, not a week went by where you asked me continuously: "Well, what happened? What happened?" And I promised I would tell you when the time was right. The time is right. Right as they were wheeling you into the O.R., you were glassy, and in and out, and in my last chance - at the very last second - I said "Stop." And I leaned in and I whispered, "Can you hear me?" And you said, "Yes." And I said, "Well, I only have one question." You said, "What is it?" And I said, "Do you know one day I'm gonna marry you?" ''[The crowd in Orlando erupts in cheers]'' And you said, "Yes." ''[sighs, knowing full well the magnitude of what he's about to do, and then continues:]'' I just need you to say "Yes" one more time. ''[The crowd erupts again as Cena pulls out a Tiffany Engagement Ring and gets down on one knee. He breaks character and [[w:Shoot (professional wrestling)|shoots]] the following:]'' I have been waiting so long to ask you this: Stephanie Nicole Garcia-Colace... ''[offers the ring to Bella]'' ...will you marry me? ''[Nikki Bella nods "yes"; and both she and Cena embrace in a long hug]'' '' <hr width=50%> :'''Jim Ross''': ''[as Roman Reigns bounces off the ropes]'' Oh, look out. Look out here. M-momentum... momentum - :'''Michael''': ''[Reigns Spears the Undertaker]'' OH MAN! :'''John "Bradshaw" Layfield''': OH GOD! :'''Jim''': And a huge Spear ''[Reigns covers the Undertaker]'' into the heart of the Undertaker, ''[the referee counts three]'' and Roman Reigns has defeated the Undertaker at WrestleMania with a thunderous Spear! :'''JoJo''': Here is your winner: Roman Reigns! :'''Jim''': My God, what a physical matchup! :'''Michael''': I believe, the greatest win of Roman Reigns' career. :'''JBL''': It is the greatest win of Roman Reigns' career 20 years from now, 100 years from now! He just defeated the Undertaker, who... the Undertaker emptied everything in his arsenal; maybe everything in his soul. =={{w|WrestleMania 34}} (2018)== :'''Corey Graves''': Through the flames of Viserion, [[Game of Thrones|winter is here]]! The Kingslayer, Seth Rollins, is ready for WrestleMania! <hr width=50%/> :''[After losing to Charlotte Flair, Asuka grabs a microphone]'' :'''Asuka''': Charlotte......was READY for Asuka! Congratulations! [They embrace in a hug] <hr width=50%/> ''[As The Undertaker makes his way to the ring ominously, the crowd cheers in love and respect! Some even bow before him]'' :'''Crowd''': UNDERTAKER! UNDERTAKER! UNDERTAKER! :'''Jonathan “The Coach” Coachman''': You know, John Cena...wished and asked for this. Leave it to Cena. And you know, guys, it was John Cena who brought The Undertaker back. Nobody else. :'''Corey Graves''': The question though is which Undertaker did John Cena bring back. Was it last year’s Undertaker? :'''Michael Cole''': And the point Corey was making earlier was that last year, we all thought it was done. We all thought it was all over and we would never see it again, but now, the Deadman is back...in a match that pits in my mind two of the greatest performers in WWE history. Perhaps of all time. The 16-time world champion John Cena...and The Undertaker! <hr width=50%> :'''Aiden English''': Tonight, you can forget about your RKO's :Will it be glorious? Pssh! Oh, no! :Mahal will fall on the greatest stage of them all :'Cause the Lion of Bulgaria, the Shakespeare of Song :We've been fightin' for this stage for far too long :And there's gonna be a new US Champ today :Because ladies and gentlemen, today, WrestleMania is... :'''Crowd''': RUSEV DAY! :'''Aiden''': ''[drawing it out]'' Rusev Da-a-a-a-a-y-y-y-y! <hr width=50%/> :''[A float rides onto the stage]'' :'''Corey''': What the hell is this? :'''Michael''': Corey, it's a Mardi Gras float. :'''Coach''': What ''is'' this? :'''Corey''': It's [[Empire Records|Rex Manning Day]], it's not Mardi Gras. =={{w|WrestleMania 35}} (2019)== :'''Paul Heyman''': Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! If my client is not on last, then we're not hanging around here all night to wait! We're getting our business done, and we're getting on a jet to Las Vegas, where my client is ''ultimately'' appreciated! So let's get this nonsense over with; we’re doing it right here, right now! Ladies and gentlemen, introducing, at 265 pounds, the Rollins-stomping beast slayer slayer, the reigning, defending, undisputed Universal heavyweight champion, Brock Lesnar! <hr width=50%/> :''[Having just kicked Daniel Bryan numerous times in the head, Kofi Kingston heads to a corner, and amid chants of "New Day Rocks!" waits for Bryan to slowly get up]'' :'''Byron Saxton''': Bryan is barely moving! :'''Tom Phillips''': ''[After a while, Bryan finally gets to his feet, and Kingston makes his move]'' Kofi measuring the champion... ''[Kingston hits Trouble in Paradise on Bryan]'' TROUBLE IN PARADISE! :'''Byron''': COVER HIM! ''[Kofi covers him, the referee counts and the audience counts along with him. At 3, the crowd erupts]'' :'''Tom''': ''[Big E and Xavier Woods, at ringside, rush to the ring to embrace Kofi as:]'' KOFI DID IT! KOFI DID IT! KOFI DID IT! KOFI IS CHAMPION! :'''Greg Hamilton''': ''[As he says this, we cut back and forth between the New Day's celebration, the crowd reaction, and the reaction backstage where certain WWE Superstars have been watching the match]'' Here is your winner, and the NEW WWE Champion: Kofi Kingston! :'''Byron''': 11 years! 11 LONG YEARS! Every hoop, every barricade, every hurdle! And finally, Kofi Kingston has DONE IT, MAN! :'''Tom''': For everything this man has gone through... Kofi, it was WORTH IT! ==External links== {{wikipedia|WrestleMania}} [[Category:Sports television shows]] [[Category:WWE]] sigdrp9ev6z6hmiyyrro0yqw74hmpx1 0 98102 3157855 3149444 2022-08-25T15:31:01Z 45.5.116.93 /* Ol' Drippy */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 1)|1]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 2)|2]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 3)|3]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 4)|4]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 5)|5]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 6)|6]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 7)|7]] | [[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1]] | [[Aqua Something You Know Whatever]] | [[Aqua TV Show Show]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force|'''Main''']] ---- <br> '''''[[w:Aqua Teen Hunger Force|Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''''', (also known by various [[w:Aqua Teen Hunger Force#Alternative titles|alternative titles]]), (2000–15) is an [[w:animated series|animated television series]] from the [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]]'s [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]] programming block. The show follows the exploits of three [[w:anthropomorphic|anthropomorphic]] fast food items: [[w:Master Shake|Master Shake]], the milkshake; [[w:Frylock|Frylock]], the carton of French fries; and [[w:Meatwad|Meatwad]], the aptly named wad of meat. ===[[w:Rabbot|Rabbot]]=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen! Vegetables have threatened man for generations. I have obtained funds to solve this vegetable nightmare! :'''Steve''': Uh, Dr. Weird — :'''Dr. Weird''': Behold... :'''Steve''': I thought that grant was for somewhat to cure diseases, and …. :'''Dr. Weird''': The grant?! What is that?! :'''Steve''': Dyuhhh …. :''' Dr. Weird''': Shut up. Behold! The Rabbot! ''[The door lifts up and reveals Dr. Weird's monstrous fifty-foot Rabbot]'' :'''Steve''': But, Dr. Weird — :'''Dr. Weird''': Now bring me my large French perfume and spray him in the eyes, because that's how it happened to me! ''[The Rabbot's face is sprayed with a giant bottle of French perfume]'' Now you feel pretty, don't you? Wa, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! ''[The Rabbot hops out the door and toward the lab wall]'' The Rabbot! My creation! ''[The Rabbot smashes through the lab wall and Steve jumps out from behind his hiding spot behind the desk.]'' :'''Dr. Weird''': What has science doooone? :''[the Rabbot hops down the street and proceeds to jump on top of Carl's car, effectively destroying it.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl:''' '''''WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FREAKIN' CAR?!''''' :'''Master Shake''': Good morning, Carl. How's it goin'? :'''Carl''': Oh yeah, good mornin' to you there, Mr. Food Monster, this is how it's goin'. Look at my frickin' car. It is crushed...to bajesus and back. :'''Master Shake''': Have you gotten any estimates? :'''Carl''': Ah, for the love of--I just found it this way. :'''Master Shake''': Carl... :'''Carl''': I just walked out here, for frickin' sake! :'''Master Shake''': Hey Carl, its okay...it's cool man, I'm a detective. Clear the crime scene and let me think...meteors did it! That'll be $20. :'''Frylock''': Hey, Carl. :'''Carl''': Great, we got the Fryman up here. :'''Master Shake''': I have not called for you, Frylock. What are you doing here? :'''Frylock''': I ''live'' here. :'''Master Shake''': Well, quit hovering. ''I'' am the leader! :'''Frylock''': Man, your car is messed up! How are you going to get to work, Carl? :'''Carl''': I work out of the home. :'''Master Shake''': Frylock, send Carl to work, then we shall solve this mystery and make $20. :'''Carl''':I work out of the home. Do not point that fry thing at me. :'''Master Shake''': Quickly, Carl, the ray is upon you. Where do you work? :'''Carl''': I done told ya, I work out of the home! Now stop with the Freak Beam! :'''Master Shake''': Send Carl to the home then! :'''Frylock''': To the home! :'''Carl''': STAY OUT OF MY POOL!! ''[Frylock beams Carl up and drops him flat on his back on his roof]'' Ow, my hip! :'''Master Shake''': Okay, that'll be $20. :'''Frylock''': So, what now, Shake? :'''Master Shake''': We shall solve the mystery from Carl's pool! :'''Carl''':: OH, NO, DON'T GOT TO MY POOL!!! :'''Master Shake''': Goin' to the bank! <hr width=50%/> :''[in Carl's pool]'' :'''Frylock''': This is a fun pool. I do like splashing. :'''Master Shake''': Yes, playing is for pleasure. We should have a pool. Make us one from the sky. I command it. :'''Frylock''': ''[sarcasm]'' Yeah, yeah, I'll do that. :'''Master Shake''': Seriously, I do command it :'''Frylock''': I wonder who killed Carl's car. :'''Master Shake''': A car cannot be "killed"! It was murdered by someone who is jealous of Carl's ability to drive. JEALOUSY is the motivation! <hr width=50%/> :'''Schooly D''': Man everybody know meat don't sleep. <hr width=50%/> :''[Meatwad is dancing, before Master Shake jumps on Meatwad's boom-box and destroys it.]'' :'''Master Shake''': Dancing is forbidden! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Where are we going? :'''Master Shake''': Shut your deformed mouth Meatwad, before I NAIL it shut! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': The scent seems to be coming from that mall :'''Master Shake''': I know! :'''Meatwad''': All right! I want some jeans! :'''Master Shake''': (pushes past him) I'M the one who wants some jeans! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': How did you get back there?! That's for salespersons only. I want to get back there. Get me back there! :''[Meatwad changes shape into a bridge over the sales counter.]'' :'''Meatwad''': Here. Take the Meat Bridge! It's right here! :'''Master Shake''': Meat Bridge? No. :''[Master Shake smashes a hole in sales counter.]'' :'''Meatwad''': Fine. Don't take the Meat Bridge. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Well, as long as we don't go back to the lab. :'''Frylock''': I need to go back to the lab. :'''Master Shake''': God! That'll take a thousand hours! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Does it LOOK like I'm OK?! Stand back, and I shall destroy him! SHAKE POWER ACTIVATE! ''[Shake huffs and puffs and excretes a glob of milkshake onto the road]]'' Now come over here and slip on it, if you dare, rabbit! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': I have called this meeting to say that downtown is no longer safe. :''[Cut to the Rabbot who is still causing havoc in the city]'' :'''Master Shake''': So, in short, we need to pick some new restaurants and night clubs. :'''Carl''': GET OUTTA MY FRICKIN' POOL! ===Escape From Leprauchpolis=== <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen! I have created... this thing! :'''Steve''': What is it? :'''Dr Weird''': I don't know. Stand over here. :'''Steve''': Uh, you mean right here? ''(gets catapulted by a rainbow into the sky)'' :'''Dr. Weird''': It WORKS! ''I am one can short of a six pack''! Wha-ha-ha-ha-ha! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[in the pool for the first time]'' Master Shake said it would dissolve me and then I would get clogged in the filter and then beavers would come and eat me. But that hasn't happened yet! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Look, I have a brain! ''(pause)'' I just took it out so it wouldn't get wet! :'''Frylock''': Yeah, man. He took his brain out. It's cool! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': All right, I'm gonna give this "Rainbow" thing another five minutes, and if it don't show up quick, then I am goin' down to the store and gettin' a hot-rod magazine, 'cause they got the chicks with the boobs in there! :'''Flargan''': ''[looking at Carl through binoculars]'' Excellent, another victim falls prey to me brilliant e-mail plan. Soon we will have enough treasure to rule all of New Jersey. :'''Merle''': Flargan, he doesn't really look like he has any money...or a job, or a wallet. :'''Flargan''': Well I...I'm sure he has some decent tennis shoes. :'''Merle''': He doesn't even have pockets. Look, he's wearing sweatpants. :'''Flargan''': Dingle, engage the rainbow machine! :'''Dingle''': Feet! :''[Dingle turns on the machine]'' :'''Carl''': Yeah, here come the gold! Aw, look at this now, I don't see crap in there. I know this game. This is how they get you. :''[He gets sucked up in the rainbow, and lands flat on his back in the forest]'' :'''Flargan''': Yes, fat man, this IS how we get you! :'''Carl''': Hey there, where's the gold there? :'''Flargan''': Flip-flops? What is this!? :'''Merle''': What did I say? No money, no job, no taste. <hr width=50%/> :'''Merle''': ''[upon seeing Master Shake and Meatwad]'' What in the hell is that?! You know this whole plan is attractin' nothin' but a bunch of goobers. :'''Flargan''': What do their shoes look like? :'''Merle''': Seems kinda stupid doing this whole thing for shoes. :'''Flargan''': It's not just for shoes! It's...it's for... :'''Merle''': It's for what? This [[w:Bananarama|Bananarama]] tape with no case? We really scored big on that one, didn't we, buddy? <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': He told me to get in the freezer 'cause there was a carnival in there. There was no carnival! It was a damn freezer! I got freezer burn and I got mushed up against a chicken. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Let's go. They don't have nothin', it's like a flea market threw up in there. :'''Meatwad''': Look, a Bananarama tape! :'''Master Shake''': That's mine! Drop it where you are! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': You don't need a machine to make a rainbow, for rainbows are made of happy thoughts, and dreams, and chocolate unicorns, and gumdrops, and licorice sunsets, and fuzzy gumdrop bears, in Sugar-Covered Chocolate Gumdrop Land. :'''Master Shake''': No way in hell. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': All right! The ''real'' rainbow! I did it! I brought happiness and joy to us all! :''[a rainbow rips Carl's house off its foundation and flings it through the air.]'' :'''Master Shake''': Wow! :'''Carl''': Oh, good. :''[Awkward silence.]'' :'''Meatwad''': Well, I gotta go...see ya later. <hr width+50%/> ===Bus of the Undead=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen, behold: Mothmonst- ''(Mothmonsterman flies off)'' Oh no! Mothmonsterman, no! Come back! :'''Steve''': He has escaped. :'''Dr. Weird''': Yes, through the hole. ''[slips and falls]'' My banana! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Good morning, Carl! :'''Carl''': Yeah, it is a good morning there little man...''it's three in the morning!!!!!!!!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Look, all I know is that this cord here was plugged into my house, and your house was glowin' like the frickin' sun! So I put two and two together there hey, and decided that you're pissin' me off. :'''Master Shake''': We are truly sorry, Carl, and it will probably never happen again. Can we have our cord back? :'''Carl''': No, no there. I'm just gonna keep it there, since it's uh, mine anyways. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mothmonsterman''': Oh, hey, where you guys been? :'''Master Shake''': Memphis. :'''Mothmonsterman''': Really?! That's awesome. How was it? :'''Master Shake''': Oh, it was very nice. They light up the bridge. We had fried catfish. :'''Meatwad''': When did you have fried catfish? <hr width=50%/> :[''Frylock, Master Shake and Meatwad return home to find Carl tied up with silk, hanging from the ceiling''] :'''Frylock''': What have you done with him? :'''Mothmonsterman''': I just laid a thousand of my eggs inside his esophagus. You know, I need to propagate my species and, he's bein' a baby about it. :'''Frylock''': You know, we have a cloner. :'''Mothmonsterman''': Seriously? :[''Inside Frylock's office, a timer dings''] :'''Frylock''': Oh, no- the cloner! :'''Master Shake''': The brownies! :'''Meatwad''': My brownies! :[''Winged monsters, made from a mix of insect and brownie DNA, burst out of Frylock's office''] :'''Master Shake''': Run! To the pool! :[''Frylock, Master Shake and Meatwad run outside''] :'''Mothmonsterman''': Wait, you have a pool? [''Brownie monsters swarm the living room''] Oh, my God- :[''Out in the backyard''] :'''Frylock''': You put a brownie in my cloning device, didn't you? :'''Master Shake''': No! Yes. I don't know. Maybe! Look, that was six weeks ago! I locked the door; let 'em just duke it out. :'''Meatwad'''': You didn't lock the door, it was out in the yard...! :[''A huge swarm of brownie monsters attacks''] ===Mayhem of the Mooninites=== :'''Ignignokt''': ''(knocks on Carl's door)'' Hello, Carl. I am Ignignokt, and this is Err. :'''Err''': I am Err! :'''Ignignokt''': We are Mooninites from the inner core of the Moon. :'''Err''': You said it right! :'''Ignignokt''': Our race is hundreds of years beyond yours. :'''Err''': Man, do you hear what he's sayin'?! :'''Ignignokt''': Some would say that the Earth is our moon. :'''Err''': We're the moon. :'''Ignignokt''': But that would belittle the name of our moon... which is the Moon. :'''Err''': The point is, we're at the center. Not you! :'''Carl''': No, the real point is: I don't give a damn! ''(slams door)'' <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Your jambox is now his by way of our actions. :'''Master Shake''': Yes, Meatwad, with actions! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Err''': Shoot him the bird! :'''Ignignokt''': Yes, give him the finger. :'''Meatwad''': The finger? Like this? ''(turns into a hot-dog)'' :'''Ignignokt''': No. Not at all like that. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Err''': We smoke as we shoot the bird! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': You and your "third dimension." :'''Frylock''': Yeah? What about it? :'''Ignignokt''': Oh, nothing. It's cute. We have five. :'''Err''': Th-thousand. :'''Ignignokt''': Yes, five thousand. :'''Err''': Don't question it! :'''Frylock''': Oh yeah? Well, I only see two. :'''Ignignokt''': Well, that sounds like a personal problem. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Frylock''': I don't think Meatwad should be hanging around with these Moon people. :'''Master Shake''': I don't think I should be playing with these medium strings. I need light gauge if I'm gonna thrash! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Using keys to gouge expletives onto another's vehicle is a sign of trust and friendship. :''[Cut to Carl standing outside his house, looking at his vandalized car.]'' :'''Carl''': ''Who did this to my frickin' car!!??'' <hr width = 50% /> :'''Carl''': So maybe you be a good person to ask who wrote ''The Moon Rulez #1'', on my car, with a key! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Carl''': ''[Effortlessly dodging the Mooninites' shot]'' Nice shot there, Brick Out. ''[Unbeknownst to Carl, the shot rebounds off his house and back towards him]'' Now I want you jokers out of this- ''[The shot hits Carl and he phases out as he is transported to the moon]'' OH GOD! MY BACK! WHOOOAAAA... <hr width = 50% /> :''[Frylock has blown up the TV with his laser vision]'' :'''Ignignokt''': What was that? :'''Err''': Whoa! Did those just come out of your eyes? :'''Ignignokt''': They're primitive :'''Err''': Damn! Those are fast, man! :'''Ignignokt''': We are not impressed :'''Err''': Hey, wasn't that cool? <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': ''[Giving Frylock the finger from space]'' I hope he can see this because I'm doing it as hard as I can. <hr width+50% /> ===Balloonenstein=== :'''Carl''': Oh, sweet, sweet nectar. It's like my pool is tearin' ass around the backyard. But it's stayin' still. Still waters run deep! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Grab my potatoes, Carl! :'''Carl''': Sure, why not? <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': The real spaghetti got wet when I was boiling it so… it’s in the dryer! :'''Meatwad''':Why didn’t you say so! It's probably dry by now, so let's go get it. ''[saying as he gets into the dryer]'' Now remember, I like it spicy! :'''Shake''': Ha ha ha! So stupid! :'''Meatwad''': Hey, wait a second! Why's it spinnin'? :'''Schoolly D''': Come on, think about it, Meatwad! It's a dryer, man! Of course it's gonna spin! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Ooh. Damn! What dimension was that? Carl, your hands! :'''Carl''': Yeah, I know, I see 'em; they're very big. Well, it was fun. I'm gonna go take a nap now and then I think I'm gonna call, uh, some hospitals. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Shake, where is my popsicle? :'''Shake''': Please, wait a second... :'''Meatwad''': I require a popsicle every 15 minutes! You obviously did not read the memo! :'''Shake''': ''This'' is your memo? (''holds up a drawing'') I don't even know what this is! :'''Meatwad''': ''(zaps Shake)'' You sicken me with your lies. :'''Shake''': I'll make you some right away! :'''Meatwad''': "Make" me some? Please do not insult what little intelligence I have. I need it ''now''. :'''Shake''': Then I'll go to the store! Please sir! :'''Meatwad''': Yes you will. Now what is the magic word, '''''bitch'''''? :'''Shake''': PLEASE, let me go to the store and get popsicles for you! Thank you sire! :'''Meatwad''': That's right. ''(releases Shake; Shake runs out the door)'' You better run, boy! And bring back some chocolate syrup, too, or your fate is sealed! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Everybody hates me 'cause they die or get hurt. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Will this hurt 'im? :'''Frylock''': It shouldn't. :'''Master Shake''': Then ''why'' are we doing it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': ''[Chasing Meatwad with pencils]'' This is for shooting me in the roof and sending me to the store making me call you sire! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Go destroy Balloonenstein! :'''Meatwad''': Do what now? :'''Frylock''': Pop the balloon with the glass! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, yeah, okay. ''[long pause]'' Do what now? :'''Frylock''': Pop him with the glass! The glass in your head! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, yeah, I know. Don't yell at me! ''[pause]'' Do what now? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Damn it, he needs his brain. Otherwise he "just gonna float around forever sayin' "Do what now?" :'''Meatwad''': Do what now? :'''Master Shake''': Guess what? He's not gettin his brain back, because it is now the nerve center for the city of the future: LAS BRAINGELES! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''(now a 50 foot meatball, speaking in a booming voice)'' '''Where are my popsicles?!''' :'''Frylock''': Damn! :'''Master Shake''':''(scared)'' Is that you, God? :'''Meatwad''': '''Frylock, get away from the pool.''' :'''Frylock''': Aw, hell... ''(moves away from the pool)'' :'''Meatwad''': ''(leaps into the air)'' '''''CAN OPENER!!!!!!!!!!!''''' ===Space Conflict from Beyond Pluto=== :''(Trying to barbecue melons)'' :'''Emory''': How do want your melon? :'''Olgethorpe''': Emory, the melon's on fire! :'''Emory''': Well of course they're on fire. They're not made to be cooked. :'''Oglethorpe''': What do ''you'' know of fire? You prance around like you have laser eyes. You don't! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': I have an amazing plan to betray our new friend … hah-hah-hah! :'''Emory''': I thought the plan was to barbecue with him. :'''Oglethorpe''': Plans are for fools! When he gets here, we melt him … and laugh … on into the night! :'''Emory''': Why don't we just...talk to him and stuff? :'''Oglethorpe''': Why don't you shut up and let me do what I want for a change? <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Hey, hey, what is with all this interrogation? Let's toss the frisbee...over there ''[Points to the melting chamber]''...''WHERE WE WILL MELT YOU INTO FLUID!'' ''[begins stomping on the frisbee]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': We are on a top secret mission of world domination! :'''Frylock''': World domination? You guys couldn't take over a damn bowl of Jell-O! :'''Emory''': Hey, is that, like, an important place or something? :'''Oglethorpe''': ''[threateningly]'' Where is it? <hr width=50%/> :''[Frylock realizes that the Plutonians are complete idiots and wants to leave.]'' :'''Frylock''': Okay, look, which one of these buttons beams me out of here? :'''Oglethorpe''': Those buttons are red! You'll destroy us all! :''[Frylock pushes a button. Balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling and music plays.]'' :'''Emory''': All right, party time! :'''Oglethorpe''': Whose birthday is it? Someone gets a spanking! :''[Frylock pushes another button. Shake appears on the ship.]'' :'''Shake''': Hey, happy birthday! Hey, who's the lucky boy? :'''Frylock''': Shake, how did you get in this beam? :'''Shake''': Look, that beam came from space. You don't own space, so stop acting like you do. <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': You might be interested to know that we are just about to destroy your planet! :'''Master Shake''': Oh, go ahead, I'm not there, ah, it's fine. <hr width=50%/> :'''Emory''': You really think we need to blow up their planet? :'''Oglethorpe''': That's what I said, blow it up! Let's blow it up! :'''Emory''': Alright, fine. :''[Oglethorpe pushes a button. Balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling and music plays again.]'' :'''Emory''': ...Did it blow up, man? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': You cannot cut someone's lawn with matches, Meatwad! :'''Meatwad''': Look, I know that. You gotta have gasoline, otherwise how's it gonna spread to the street? :'''Carl''': ''(banging on the Aqua Teen's door)'' Open this damn door now! :'''Meatwad''': Oh, is he mad? Don't open it. :'''Carl''': I heard that! Open this door! <hr width=50%/> :''[the Plutonians have put Shake in the melting chamber.]'' :'''Emory''': Why isn't he melting? I mean, the beam's supposed to be on. :'''Oglethorpe''': Well, it's not! I'm looking right at it and it's not on. :'''Emory''': Maybe we need the remote. :'''Oglethorpe''': Well, maybe you shouldn't have run the melter through the VCR, Scheisskopf! :'''Emory''': Well, maybe it's 'cause you said "I want all meltings to be taped", even though you never watch 'em! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': '''''NOW, WHERE'S THAT DAMN REMOTE?!?!''''' <hr width=50%/> :''[Shake accidentally fires off an escape pod holding the Plutonians' remote control]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': What in the hell was that?! :'''Emory''': That was the, uh...escape pod. :'''Oglethorpe''': Damn it! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Stop pressing the buttons in there! :'''Shake''': This whole ship's a bunch of buttons! And I'm done with this Redbook, I was done with it the minute I saw it. And I'm hungry! :'''Oglethorpe''': You will eat what we say! :'''Emory''': You will eat ''when'' we say. That's right. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Uh, Shake... :'''Shake''': What do you want? :'''Frylock''': Carl is here... :'''Shake''': How did you get this--I'm not here! :''[At the Aqua Teens' house, Frylock, Carl, and Meatwad are watching Shake on the computer.]'' :'''Carl''': Oh, you're not there? :'''Shake''': Hello, Carl. :'''Carl''': Hey, buddy, how ya doin' there? Pizza Land, huh? That's lots of fun. Hey, uh, I wanted to let you know that '''''YOU BURNED MY FRICKIN' HOUSE DOWN!!!!!!!!!!''''' :'''Shake''': But the grass is gone--- :'''Carl''': Oh yea the grass is gone, just like how your face is gonna be gone after I '''SHOVE IT IN A PASTRAMI SLICER!!!''' <hr width=50%/> :''[Shake has asked for a new virtual environment. He appears in what appears to be a live-action park. He finds himself next to a horse.]'' :'''Female Computer Voice''': Welcome to this horse's anus. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[after Carl's house has burned down]'' Hey Carl, you want me to shampoo the rug? :'''Carl''': What's the frickin' point, Meatman? :'''Meatwad''': So you can give me some money. <hr width=50%/> :''[The Plutonians enact a plan to get rid of Shake]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, look over there! One hundred dollars! On the wing of the ship! :'''Shake''': ''[Shoves Oglethorpe out of the way]'' Oh, that's mine! I dropped it! Now where is it again? :'''Oglethorpe''': Right there. Do you see it? It's there. :'''Shake''': Why, this could be very dangerous. I...I should go. :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, would you? Please save us...from all the money. :''[Cut to Shake in a pod in space, looking for the money]'' :'''Shake''': Shake to ship! I'm still not seeing it! :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, you can't see it? Well, let me turn on the light for you! :''[the ship flies away, sending Shake spinning to Earth.]'' :'''Shake''': Wait! :'''Oglethorpe''': Jackass! <hr width=50%/> :''[Carl is holding a tire iron.]'' :'''Carl''': Hey, buddy! :'''Shake''': Hey, Carl! Hey! Lawn looks great! :'''Carl''': Likin' it? :'''Shake''': Why's your house all curled up? :'''Carl''': I don't know, I was hoping maybe we could have a little dialogue about that. :'''Shake''': Hey, that's a nice tire iron, Carl. Is that yours? :'''Carl''': Yeah, let me get in there and show you the finish on it. Up close. :''[Carl gets in the pod. The door closes.]'' :'''Carl''': Taste the chrome! :''[Carl proceeds to brutalize Shake. The pod falls over.]'' ===Ol' Drippy=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen, be- :'''Steve''': Uhh, you know, you can just call me Steve. I mean, there's no one else here. :''[The creature from the black lagoon suddenly appears behind Steve]'' :'''Steve''': Right? :'''Dr. Weird''': MY MIND! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': You ever hear of a refrigerator, or a frickin' trash can?! :'''Master Shake''': No. :'''Frylock''': You got three raw chickens in here on the floor! A dog wouldn't even take a crap in here! :'''Master Shake''': Look, just take the hose and lightly spray everything out the back door. :'''Frylock''': No, no ''MY ASS, YOU WILL!'' :'''Master Shake''': Drape a tarp over it. :'''Frylock''': Oh no you're not! You're gonna go to the damn store and get some cleaning supplies! :'''Meatwad''': What's goin' on? :'''Master Shake''': Look at this mess! Did you do this? ''[long pause]'' Fine, alright!. I'll do it, but it's my decision to do this, I declare it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Schooly D''': Yo, man. I think that mold is a-movin'. If it move one more time, I’m gettin' my gat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': This here's Vanessa. I know she looks like an apple, but she's actually a full-grown woman, and she fell in love with her boyfriend, Dewey, here, and they go off into outer space and then they... they get married. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''':(angrily enters the house) Where's Meatwad?! :'''Frylock:''' What're you doing with that gutter? :'''Master Shake:''' What're you doin' with that beard, huh? Answer that, scientist! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': My telescope! And you've ruined it! How will I ever see the stars again? :'''Meatwad''': This ain't no telescope, it's Dewey. He's an engineer, and he works on the Supertrain. :'''Master Shake''': He does what?! You've got mental problems. ''[Hits Meatwad repeatedly with gutter]'' Taste the chrome! :'''Ol' Drippy''': ''[walking in with the "doll"]'' What's it taste like? :'''Master Shake''': Your mother's... ''[sees Ol' Drippy for the first time]'' AAAHHHH, MONSTER!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Did you see a woman in a bikini with a six-pack of beer and a surfboard come in here? :'''Frylock''': Was it made of cardboard, used to be up at the liquor store? :'''Carl''': Uhh...no. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': You two-timin' bitch! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Ohhh, she smells like dead mushrooms and cheeseburger meat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ol' Drippy''': Idle hands spend time at the genitals, and you know how much God hates that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frylock has suggested that Shake be "polite"; Shake intentionally knocks Ol' Drippy's latte out of his "hand".]'' :'''Shake''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to knock that out of your hand, I don't know what came over me! There, was that polite enough for you, Frylock?! I'm apologizing to your best friend in the whole universe! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': Shake, what is wrong with you? :'''Master Shake''': What's wrong with ''you''? Hey, why don't you go kiss your new best friend, you love him so damn much! I'm the one who cleaned the kitchen. I'm the authority! :'''Carl''': ''[at the door]'' Someone wanna tell me why my pool is full of hotdog chunks and dirty dishes? :'''Master Shake''': Oh Carl, you didn't mess with it did ya? Cause it's gotta set up for a couple days with the battery. :'''Carl''': The battery? :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, you know, the one from your car. I dumped some shampoo in there too, but it's dog shampoo so I dunno if it's gonna work, but were prayin' like hell that it does. :'''Carl''': No, no, no, I understand, I understand. I'm just gonna go, I'll be back in a few. You uh, you think that the gun store is still open? :'''Ol' Drippy''': Carl, please, I'll take care of the mess. He means well, he's just a little... well, I'd better not say. :'''Master Shake''': What? I'm a little what? :'''Carl''': Thank you, Drippy. You are very well-mannered and very nice. ''[To Master Shake]'' And ''you'' oughta take lessons from him. :'''Frylock'''[agreeing with Carl]: That's right. :'''Meatwad'''[agreeing with both Frylock and Carl]: Yeah, Shake. That's right. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': Oh yeah, he's nice now, but don't come looking for me when he's burying your bodies out in the desert. <hr width+50%/> [Meatwad kicks out Shake] :'''Meatwad''': Well, get out of here! What are you waiting on? I’m gonna chase you outta here! [Sidewalk at night. Shake is in the rain] :'''Shake''':[Making a post-and-lintel structure out of sofa cushions] That’s good. Okay, that’s all right. That looks good. Hey, who says I couldn’t do this, huh?[Lightning strikes the sofa cushions apart] AAAAHHH! Let me in! Will you let me in, dammit! I mean, guys! Hey-hey! Somebody wanna let me in, please?[Frylock goes to open the door for Shake] :'''Frylock''': Well, Shake! I thought you moved. :'''Shake''': What?! I never said that! Who said that!?(He starts coughing) :'''Ol Drippy''': Oh my. You’re burning up. :'''Shake''': Yes, I’m very... sick.(He coughs some more) :'''Ol Drippy''': Frylock, he needs medical help. :'''Frylock''': He needs an ass-whooping is what he needs. :'''Ol Drippy''': There’s no time! Here Shake, eat my head! :'''Shake''': Here! Kiss my ass! Forget about it!! :'''Ol Drippy''': I’m serious. Coat me with ranch. Chase me with cheese if you must, I don’t care. It’s the only way. :'''Frylock''': Drippy, don’t! What are you doing? :'''Meatwad''': Don’t do that, that’s going to hurt you! :'''Ol Drippy''': I’m saving his life! I’m half penicillin! :'''Frylock''': Well, I have some penicillin in my lab if that’s what this is all about. :'''Ol Drippy''': Oh, really? Well then, just give him some of that man, I mean- :'''Shake''': No, wait. Now, hold on a minute, I- I kind of like the taste of your head. I mean, you said it was the only way, right?(coughs again) :'''Meatwad''': Where are you going, Drippy? I- I love you! :'''Ol Drippy''': I'm going away for a while, Meatwad. And I may never come back. But I'll always be here, inside. :'''Shake''': Yeah, in my stomach, baby. :'''Ol' Drippy''': Close your eyes, Meatwad. ''[Shake takes a big bite out of Ol' Drippy]'' AAH! :'''Shake''': Leave your eyes open, Meatwad. I wanna horrify you into a coma. <hr width+50%/> :''[Shake is eating fried chicken in the pool after Drippy got hit by a truck while saving his life]'' :'''Shake''': Look...he pushed me. :'''Fryock''': He pushed you out of the way of that truck. :'''Shake''': Listen...he's in a better place. :'''Frylock''': He's in the ''grill'' of the truck! :'''Meatwad''': He was my best friend. :'''Shake''': Ah, well then you should know something. When he was pushing me...he mentioned something about not liking you. :'''Frylock''': Ah, man. :'''Shake''': I clearly heard it. :'''Meatwad''': Did he really? :'''Shake''': That stuck out. :'''Meatwad''': Well...I guess I'll have one of those wings then. Gimme one. :'''Shake''': ''[Throws a wing towards Meatwad]'' Here, fetch. :'''Meatwad''': Where's the meat?! This is a bone! :'''Shake''': Go make a doll out of that! ===Revenge of the Mooninites=== :'''Meatwad''': How am I ever gonna win that ten speed? :'''Master Shake''': How are you ever gonna ride a ten speed with no frickin' legs?! You're just gonna bust the ass that you don't even have! Who bothered to spawn you...and ''why''?! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Fryman, we're full of religion. Everyone, please, bow your heads and pretend to be serious. :'''Err''': Do it or I'll bow 'em for ya! :''[Frylock throws the Mooninites out of the house]'' :'''Ignignokt''': You have deeply offended us and our god, and our god is a god of vengeance...and horror :'''Err''': And action! :'''Ignignokt''': Our god is an Indian that turns into a wolf :'''Err''': That's [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wolfen_(film) Wolfen], man. :'''Ignignokt''': Well...the Wolfen will come for you with his razor. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Meatwad''': I do not want to do anything illegal here, but I would kill somebody in front of their own mama to get a ten speed and if anybody testifies against me, I'll gouge their eyes out. :'''Err''': Let's go get drunk and rip off a ten speed! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, we'll get a basket and a horn on the handle. :'''Err''': Then we'll set it on fire and wreck it into children and laugh at their parents and then we'll...get on the... ohh man, I'm toasted! :'''Ignignokt''': The innocent shall suffer... big time. <hr width = 50% /> :''[Ignignokt shows Carl the Foreigner Belt]'' :'''Carl''': Wait a second...is that from the '83 tour? Yeah! I saw those guys in the Meadow Lands with Bryan Adams! That was a kickass show! I totally copped this feel off this passed out broad when they were playing ''Urgent''. Every time I hear ''Urgent'' on the radio I think of that girl's boobs and...covered in vomit. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Meatwad''': Oh, yeah baby! That's a neat car she's washin'! You think that's a straight six? :'''Err''': I think I ''have'' a straight six! :'''Ignignokt''': Ooh, Err, your sexual innuendo is priceless! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Torch the dresser, Meatwad. :'''Meatwad''': But, this is where Carl keeps his clothes. :'''Ignignokt''': Look, these women don't have any clothes and they're not complaining. :'''Err''': Yeah, man. They're kissin' each other! :'''Ignignokt''': And you want Carl to be forever kissed, don't you? :'''Meatwad''': Well, I guess so.. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Your neighbor Carl was gracious enough to let us rip him off and burn his furniture for no reason. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Carl''': I don't need no instructions to know how to rock! ===MC Pee Pants=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen, behold! My beautiful fiancée! :'''Steve''': Uh, I think that's a giant spider. :''[MC Pee Pants grabs Dr. Weird and starts to mangle him]'' :'''Dr. Weird''': You're right! I've been betrayed! Run! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''':'' [listening to Bach]'' Yeah, now listen to ''that'' beat. Now that's a kickin' glissando! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': I like beatings, I'll beat ya all day! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Hey, which one of you guys has been playin' "I Like Candy", for a ''frickin' week''?!?! :'''Frylock''': It was your other neighbor. :'''Shake''': Meatwad. :'''Carl''': You know what? At this point, it doesn't matter, 'cause it keeps runnin' inside my head and it won't leave unless I blow it out, with a bullet! :'''Master Shake''': ''[notices Carl's mouth is full]'' What you eating there, Carl? ''(walks over to him)'' You gonna show me some love? :'''Carl''': Jawbreakers. For some reason, I can't get enough of 'em. :'''Master Shake''': Is that why your teeth are blue? :'''Carl''': Uh... no. :'''Master Shake''': Oh. Uh... So, why are you... :'''Carl''': Shut up. ''[brief silence, then begins singing]'' I like candy, bubblegum and ta--''DAMN IT!!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Trick or treat, smell my meat...''[Carl shuts the door]]'' ...Ah, man. :'''Carl''': ''[Opens the door]'' Look, Meatman, what are you doing trick-or-treatin'?! It's frickin' May. :'''Meatwad''': Look, I need candy. Now, are you going to give me some, or are you going to lose some teeth? :'''Carl''': I know, I've only heard your little song a thousand times! Now I need candy and I don't know why. :'''Meatwad''': Shhh... I don't listen to that kiddie crap any more, I'm check'n the adult jams now, see, check it. MC Pee Pants don't just want candy now, that's childish, he ''needs'' it. And when you need something that's a responsibility, that only only an adult... of my maturity... bunnies! :'''Carl''': Yeah, I got a deal at the dumpster, I mean, warehouse. Yeah, you might want to wipe the juice off 'em. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': You know Meatwad and Carl have been hanging out quite a bit lately. :'''Shake''': What, you want 'em to stop? ''(yelling out the front door)'' Rape, rape, oh rape! :'''Frylock''': No, no, no, it's fine, it's fine, but don't think it's a little bit weird that they started washing the car at midnight...and they're still doing it? :'''Shake''': Look, people do things, it's a fact. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': Shake, did you hear this lyric? About drilling a hole straight to hell, and releasing demons to create a global diet pill pyramid scheme?! :'''Master Shake''': Eh, I don't know. All that rap is is clicks and whistles. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': 612 Wharf Avenue? I know where that is, that's the, uh, abandoned warehouse next to Melon Shakers...th-the Gentlemen's Club. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': I should not walk so a child may live. ''[pause]'' That's what it does. :'''Frylock''': Get up! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Why aren't your lips moving? :'''MC Pee Pants''': Look, my shniggys, I had a strizzoke in my brizzain, okay? You know what I'm sayin'? So I can't move all good. Thanks for bringing that up, thank you very much! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': You're all the things that are in this ad: you're energetic, hard-working, you like people— :'''MC Pee Pants''': No, I love the liquid ''inside'' people. How many times I gotta tell you this, man? I'm insane! I eat people-juice. No one's gonna hire a people-juice eater! <hr width="50%"/> :''[in hell]'' :'''MC Pee Pants''': Hey guys. Hey man, who's into rap yo? :'''Satan''': Now you listen to me scab! We listen to speed metal! :'''MC Pee Pants''': Hey man it's cool. ''[Satan blasts MC P Pants with fire]'' AAAHH! :'''Satan''': No, it isn't! ===Dumber Dolls=== :'''Dr Weird''': Gentleman, behold. My time space contin- ''[freezes]'' :'''Steve''': What? ''[long pause]'' Uhhh....Dr. Weird? ''[pushes over Dr. Weird, and he explodes]'' See you later have a good weekend! <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': ''[After running over Meatwad's toys with a lawnmower]'' Hey, your astronauts better watch where they land their ship next time, 'cause they might get ''overrun'' by the alien life form, hahaha! :'''Meatwad''': They don't use ships, they use rocket boots. :'''Shake''': They don't use nothin' now, do they? <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': No, no I don't have a firearm, I just got these...action bills. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Frylock, where are the pills? :'''Frylock''': Pills? What do you need pills for? :'''Meatwad''': Well, Happy-Time Harry needs 'em. He says that the pills make the phone calls go away. :'''Frylock''': ''[Writes on a post-it note]'' Alright Meatwad, this is a prescription from Dr. Frylock for Jolly Sunshine Happiness! :'''Meatwad''': Oh, you think this is a game?! They're gonna garnish his wages and how's he gonna pay child support then, huh? I'll tell ya, he ain't! <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Look man, all you had was root beer and triple sec. :'''Frylock''': I was gonna make margaritas with that! :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Ah man, you had tequila the whole time?! Well, where the...where is it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': ''[To Meatwad]'' Tomorrow I'm getting you a new doll with a sunnier attitude! :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Hey man, while you're there, you get me that Happy-Time Dialysis Machine. :'''Frylock''': Dialysis? :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Yeah. I had half my liver removed and I'm not supposed to drink, but...I do. <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Go ahead, man. Let's do this thing. :'''Master Shake''': I told you I'd do it, I'm gonna do it now. Hey Meatwad, look at this! ''[With Shake turned away, Harry pours gasoline over himself]'' Come to the window! Big time fun... you know what I mean? :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Okay dude, I just did all the prep work, now let's get it on! DO IT! :'''Master Shake''': Well.. shoot... I mean I was just going to sort of blow your jaw off with a firecracker or something.. I wasn't gonna.. I think I need to go pray. :''[Cut to Meatwad's room]'' :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Yo, that milkshake's got no guts, man. :'''Meatwad:''' You know, Happy-Time...Just being around you kinda makes me wanna die... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jiggle Billy:''' So... ''[dances]'' we jigglin' or- :'''Happy-Time Harry:''' Hey! Backwoods retard. Not now, not ever! :'''Jiggle Billy:''' Okay! Naptime! ''[dances]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry:''' You know, sometimes I like to take this knife and just...cut myself. ''[Chuckles]'' See how hard I can do it before I just...pass out, man. :'''Jiggle Billy:''' Shoo...well, uhh...commence the jigglin' y'all! <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Hey, check it out, man. You know why you came in that box, right? That's 'cause someone put you there...to die. :'''Jiggle Billy''': That ain't true now. I...I got me these night-vision goggles ''[Puts the goggles on]'' :'''Happy-Time Harry''': ''[Knocks the goggles off]'' For what? You're a hillbilly! You don't even know who you are, do you? Look at you, you're a clown. You're a joke. :'''Jiggle Billy''': ''[Pathetically]'' I don't know why I have these goggles. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock:''' You’re gonna chuck him off a cliff? Shake, we could have chucked him off the roof and stayed at home. :'''Master Shake:''' No, This is a magic cliff here, like in The [[w:Highlander_(film)|Highlander]]. So, you will become The Highlander, and you’ll roam the earth forever, trying to kill yourself, but you wouldn’t be able to, because you’ll be…immortal. Won’t that suck, little man? [laughs] :'''Meatwad:''' Well actually, That sounds kinda cool. :'''Master Shake:''' Yeah, it does. :'''Meatwad:''' Then I’m gonna do it. :'''Master Shake:''' NO, YOU’RE NOT! I’m doing it! :'''Frylock:''' Shake, Wait! The Highlander was just a movie. I mean :'''Master Shake:''' Oh Frylock, The Highlander was a documentary, and the events happen in real time. :'''Meatwad:''' So, this cliff is magic? :'''Master Shake:''' Oh yeah, Big time. :'''Meatwad:''' I’m doing it now. :'''Happy-Time Harry''': No man, Look you gotta be born a Highlander, You can’t just…become one. :'''Frylock:''' See, he saw the movie too. :'''Meatwad:''' You know, that’s right. :'''Master Shake:''' I know, I saw cliffs, Okay. And there’s lots of magic everywhere…And Mel Gibson. :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Uhh, [[w:Braveheart|Braveheart]]? Hello? :'''Master Shake:''' Oh, You think you’re the expert? Lets see how much your ass know about FLYING! [throws Happy-Time off a cliff.] Yeah! that’s what I’m talking about. :'''Frylock:''' You done? Because that took forever... :'''Master Shake:''' I am-Well I am foreverrr.....I AM IMMORTAL!!! :'''Frylock:''' Shake, No! ''[Master Shake jumps off the cliff, his straw clinging to a branch]'' :'''Master Shake:''' Damn branch…Wait! I'm not immortal here, Okay? :'''Frylock:''' Hang on Shake, we'll call for help! :'''Meatwad:''' No, tell him to let go. :'''Master Shake:''' Yeah, Hurry! I think that the branch will hold for... ''[branch breaks]'' IT'S NOT HOLDING!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': (Floating in the pool with Meatwad) So, I guess the Highlander comes out of traction today. :'''Meatwad''': Well, I hoped they fixed his eyes. They got messed up pretty bad in that fall. :'''Frylock''': Well, the doctors gave him some hard plastic replacements, So don't stare at them, Okay? He’s real self conscious about it. :'''Meatwad:''' Okay. :'''Shake''': (comes in on wheelchair with large eyes) Alas, I return. :'''Frylock''': Oh! There you are! :'''Master Shake:''' Where are you? :'''Meatwad''': Dang! What happened to your eyes?! They look weird. :'''Frylock''': Shhh! :'''Shake''': Oh, shut up! “There can be, only one!” (Lifts up a sword and lightning strikes it, and then he drops it and falls out of the chair and is set on fire). :'''Meatwad''': We grillin' tonight. ===Bad Replicant=== :''[Dr. Weird is hanging upside-down.]'' :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen! Chop off my head with such velocity that my blood will rocket through my neck, and propel my lifeless body, all the way to Phoenix! :'''Steve''': Wow. Uh, what's in Phoenix? :'''Dr. Weird''': Why, it's your mama, Steve! Get the axe! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Look at it [the Earth] out there. Orbiting like it's so cool. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Look at him and tell me there's a God. :'''Meatwad''': He made me in His own image. :'''Master Shake''': Oh, yeah, God's a big meatball, I forgot. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha. :'''Meatwad''': He is. :'''Master Shake''': Does he stink like you do? <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, that's right. And he ain't my best friend, neither. He yells at me and scares me and locks me in the attic, and pours liquid on my head that stink, and freeze me with the fire extinguisher, and a whole bunch of other stuff I can't remember 'cause he shocked me in the head with a car battery. ''[pause]'' With a bunch of clamps, and sparks, and ... <hr width=50%/> :'''Emory''': Yeah, hey Oglethorpe, do you remember this guy [Shake]? :'''Oglethorpe''': I'm starting to. :'''Emory''': And how annoying he was. :'''Oglethorpe''': Yes, and how he scoffed at our magazines! :'''Emory''': So, uh, what were we gonna do with him? :'''Ogletorpe''': ...We shall use him for the armies ... of the night! :'''Emory''': But I thought the guy down there was going to build an army ... of the night. :'''Oglethorpe''': Different army dorkface! This army will take over the rest of the galaxy! You see how my mind works? It's like a laser! :'''Shake''': You know, I know you from somewere. :'''Oglethorpe''': He must not know who we are. Quick, paint the Mind Room! :'''Emory''': Uh, I'm still not done with the trim on that. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Oh, you're ki — Meatwad, it's not polite to stare. :'''Meatwad''': But, look at him. :'''Major Shake''': No, it's okay, I know. I'm totally, hideous. :'''Meatwad''': No i-it's cool, I was just wondering if that jambox worked, you know. Shake threw mine in a cobra cage, and dared me to go get it, and that's why I'm all puffy back here. <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, well son of a … imprison him within the rings! :''[Disco light rings come down around Shake.]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': You'll never move from that spot again, unless you like being cut in half! :''[The phone rings. Shake reaches through the rings to answer it.]'' :'''Master Shake''': Yelloo? :'''Oglethorpe''': The laser rings! :'''Master Shake''': Look, brother, these ain't nothin but disco lights. :'''Emory''': No, the installer said that they were imprison laser rings, and I, I believed him. :'''Oglethorpe''': Don't listen to him, for he is a witch! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Look, look, settle down, can you just maybe try and replicate some other people, and get an army going and then take over the entire planet. :'''Emory''': Or is that not possible. :'''Major Shake''': Well I don't know, I don't think I can replicate others, was that your plan? :'''Oglethorpe''': Well, one of them. We have many plans. :'''Major Shake''': Well maybe your next plan should be to tell me what the plan is. :'''Oglethorpe''': Look, settle down. It's all cool. :'''Major Shake''': No. No. Look at me dude. I'm a leaky, disgusting, abomination and I'm not going to do it anymore. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Did they not see us sitting here? :'''Major Shake''': No, I'm sure it'll come to them. :''(On the ship)'' :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, damn it! :'''Emory''': What? :'''Oglethorpe''': That was that man, the fry-man! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': So, is he like replicating it? :'''Frylock''': No, he's hotwiring it. :'''Meatwad''': Oh, shoot I was hoping I'd learn something. Science is a mystery to man, isn't it Frylock? :'''Frylock''': Yeah it sure is Meatwad... :'''Meatwad''': Like how we all evolved from the ancient dinosaur. I wish I had some of their stuff boy. Like them tail. Them tails that make 'em fly. :'''Frylock''': Shut up, Damn! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': So, did they, um … ever find your car? :'''Carl''': Oh, they found part of it, you know, hang'n from a trestle near the turnpike. Yeah the cops said he had a … a "straw-like protrusion" and a "cup-like body." You know anybody like 'at? :'''Frylock''': Uh, well, it wasn't Shake, Carl. He was abducted by aliens earlier this afternoon. :'''Carl''': Oh, I knew that. Yeah, of course. :'''Frylock''': He was … seriously. :'''Carl''': I hate you! <hr width=50%/> :'''Emory''': So, what are we gonna do with the prisoner? :'''Oglethorpe''': We shall ask the mighty Orbnauticus. :''[A disco ball comes down from the ceiling.]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': Orbnauticus, we seek wisdom. To what evil purpose shall we put our slave to use? <hr width+50%/> ===Circus=== :'''Shake''': Meatwad, get in this bag! :'''Frylock''': What?! :'''Shake''': What? I got airholes... it's a joke, it'a joke, ha ha, don't get in that bag, you little meat. :''[cut to Shake and Meatwad in an alley]'' :'''Shake''': Now you stay in that bag! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': So is this where the camp is? :'''Shake''': Yes, now gimme a hug. But, keep the bag on, okay? :'''Meatwad''': Smells like vomit. :'''Shake''': Shut up! The counselor is about the counsel you, and he will send you right back home if you talk and you'll never learn RAM! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Okay Shake, see you in a week. :'''Shake''': Yeah, I'll see you in a week. In hell! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Hey Randy, I don't know what's going on, but can I trade bunks? 'Cause my roommate's...wha- are those his organs? :'''Randy''': Oh that's Inside-Out Boy. His mouth is in his belly, so he's gotta slap at his vocal chords with his bladder in order to make words. :'''Meatwad''': ...I-I-I don't like this camp. Can I go home now? :'''Randy''': GROW INTO A MOUNTAIN DAMNIT! Terrify me! :'''Meatwad''': Now see, I don't do that but I can do this (turns into a hotdog) and this. (turns into a igloo) Ta-da! :'''Randy''': Ripped off again. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Hey, where's Meat Mountain there? :'''Frylock''': You mean Meatwad. :'''Carl''': Oh no, they were callin' 'im Meat Mountain last night. :'''Shake''': Okay, I'm gonna go. :'''Frylock''': You're not going anywhere Shake. :'''Carl''': Yeah, ya gotta come check this out man. Igloo, hot dog, igloo, that bit. But the whole time the stripper's shakin' it in front of 'im. :'''Frylock''': My goodness! Where was this?! :'''Carl''': The warehouse in front of Girls For You, you know, the lingerie modeling place. :'''Frylock''': Uh, no, I don't know Carl. :'''Carl''': Well-ell, twenty bucks, twenty minutes. I'm tellin' ya, one Friday night, you and me Fry-man, blow the lid off the joint! Yeah-heh! :'''Frylock''': I don't think so Carl. :'''Carl''': What, you gay? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': You sold Meatwad to the circus, didn't you?! :'''Shake''': Every day I buy and sell people like you! But no, I did not do that. But based on what I'm hearing here, someone may have. :'''Frylock''': How much, Shake? :'''Shake''': Two. :'''Frylock''': Two? Two what? :'''Shake''': Two dollars. What? What's wrong with that? :''[cut to Shake, Frylock, and Carl at the circus, where Shake sees the price of admission]'' :'''Shake''': Two dollars and fifty cents! Are they out of their minds?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Look, I don't work my ass off for twenty hours a week so I can throw my money away, that's wasteful! These bills are strictly for me to kiss...and slip in some stripper's underwear, so come on! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Wow, the crowd is really getting off on this. :'''Carl''': Well, that's great. I'm so happy for 'em. Where are the strippers?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Yeah, you the supervisor? Where were the strippers? :'''Randy''': Didn't need 'em. Meat Mountain pulls in the crowd all by himself. :'''Carl''': Well you give me back my $2.50, 'cause I ain't payin' for something that happens every day on the hood of my car! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Randy, he ''[Shake]'' ain't from space. :'''Randy''': Yeah, I know little guy, cause I'm the prince of Jupiter. :'''Meatwad''': You never told me that. :'''Randy''': See, years ago my dad sent me down here to conquer your species by ''infiltrating'' your gene pool, know what I mean? ''[chuckles]'' Know what I mean? :'''Meatwad''': No :'''Randy''': Well...when a man and woman love each other...physically...outside of a bar. :'''Meatwad''': Which bar? <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Listen to me Randy, it doesn't matter if you're white, or black, or a sasquatch even. As long as you follow your dreams, no matter how crazy or against the law it is. Except for sasquatch, if you're a sasquatch the rules are different. :'''Randy''': Forget it Meatwad, I'm a circus freak, and that's all I'll ever be. :'''Meatwad''': ...Whatever. <hr width=50%/> :''[Shake comes disguised As Meatwad]'' :'''Shake''': Hey, look at me! I'm stupid as hell, I can't even breathe properly, let alone read! What's that? :'''Randy''': And now.. the Amazing Arctic Igloo! :'''Shake''': What?! :'''Frylock''': Yeah, turn into that Igloo! :'''Carl''': Take your top off!! :'''Frylock''': Carl... :'''Randy''': Yeah..so..where is that, Milkshake? :'''Shake''': Well I uh.. ''(takes off his costume and shows it's really him in disguise with hair under his eyes)'' Look it's the Amazing Milkshake with the Bearded Eyes!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': And I'll tell you something else Frylock, I did not see one computer in that whole camp. :'''Frylock''': Yeah, yeah. Say, have you noticed that Indian burial ground that's coming up through our drain again? :'''Meatwad''': Nah, that's Inside-out Boy. He just needs a place to stay for a few days. :'''Shake''': Whoo, I just ate a whole bathtub full of cherry cobbler. It was delicious. :'''Meatwad''': ...You're joking, right? :'''Shake''': No, I'm not. :'''Meatwad''': ...NOOOOOOOOO!!! <hr width+50%/> ===Love Mummy=== <hr width=50%/> :''[Mummy is yelling in the basement]'' :'''Frylock''': Shake? ''[Yelling Continues]'' Shake! Turn those damn monster movies down-- ''[Notices nobody in the living room]'' Shake? :''[Master Shake and Meatwad enter living room]'' :'''Master Shake''': Who's watching my TV? Because I... :'''Meatwad''': I bought the damn TV! :'''Frylock''': Will you two shut up and listen? ''[Yelling Continues]'' It sounds like it's coming from the floor. :'''Master Shake''': ''[beats the floor with a broomstick]'' Will you SHUT UP?! You hear me?! It's three o'clock in the morning and I need to sleep! ''[Frylock knocks him out with chloroform]'' :'''Meatwad''': Hey, can I have some of that? :'''Frylock''': Just go to sleep and we'll deal with it in the morning. :'''Meatwad''': Yeah sure, I'll just go to sleep and tomorrow morning I'm gonna call me a social worker. ''[Frylock prepares a dose of chloroform]'' And tell him I'm in unfit living conditions and the city will be over here so fast tha-- oh. ''[Knocked out by chloroform]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': No, here's a better idea: Hell no. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Why does he get a lobster? :'''Frylock''': 'Cause he's the mummy, damn it! Now shut up! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Do you know what time it is, huh? It's 2:30 in the afternoon, and people are trying to sleep. ''[Notices the mummy]'' Whose mummy? :'''Frylock''': I found it in the crawlspace. :'''Master Shake''': So you were the one doing all the moaning when I was trying to sleep, huh? :''[Mummy giggles]'' :'''Master Shake''': Shake, you don't wanna piss him off. He has the power to curse you. :'''Meatwad''': Do it, Shake. Piss him off. :'''Master Shake''': I'll do what I want, when I want, and how I want, and no mummy— you hear me, Band-Aid... :'''Meatwad''': Here it comes. :'''Master Shake''': No mummy is gonna tell me what to do. :'''Mummy''': Curse! Curse! CURSE! :'''Meatwad''': Oh, damn. :'''Master Shake''': You done? We all done... :'''Mummy''': CURSE! :'''Master Shake''': Now are you done? :'''Mummy''': Yes. :'''Master Shake''': Cause I'm done listening to you. I got a curse for you. It's called, "tomorrow morning, your ass is outta here." I'm going back to bed! :'''Mummy''': Curse. :'''Master Shake''': I heard it already! I know! It's a friggin' curse! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Shake, I think he may have cursed you. :'''Master Shake''': ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, je-ya think? Cuz, I mean, he only said it about a thousand times! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': (reading) "The curse of the mummy is just a figure of speech. Vomiting locusts for a thousand years is just an old wives tale. The ''real'' curse of the mummy is that he is completely socially inept, devoid of all manners, gold-digging, manipulative, and a selfish brat. Don't ever wake him unless you have a lot of time and money on your hands. Thank you for buying ''Mummies for Dummies''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': ''[Wearing the Mummy's Hat]'' I'm the King! King Carl! :'''Mummy''': ''[Yelling in the Background]'' :'''Carl''': ''[Mimicing Egyptian Music]'' Da da da da daaa, you know I'm your ruler! :'''Mummy''': CURSE! CUUURSE! :'''Carl''': Huh hun huh hee, yeah ''[Mummy continuing to yell]'' SHUT UP! <hr width+50%/> ===Dumber Days=== :'''Meatwad''': Shoot, I'm so dumb as hell I'll never get hired in today's fast-paced world. I'm just gonna go inside and wait for my body to die. :'''Schoolly D''': ''[Narrating]'' Aw, c'mon Meatwad, you can't be that dumb. :''[Pan to Meatwad inside Carl's bedroom]'' :'''Meatwad''': What, is this not my room? :'''Carl''': What do you think? :'''Meatwad''': ......Yes? :''[Carl throws Meatwad out the window]'' :'''Schoolly D''': Well, damn. Maybe Meatwad ''is'' that dumb. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Wait a second. This ain't no brain, this is a damn bee's nest. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': A book?! No sir! Shake says that books is from the devil, and that TV is twice as fast. :'''Frylock''': Twice as fast at what? :'''Meatwad''': Information. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[Reading from ''"The Tiniest Bullfrog"'']'' Jeremy the Bullfrog lived in a tiny swamp on the edge of town. Every day he would dream of playing professional basketball. But he lived in a swamp, far away from the city lights and a major market team. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': One look at Niels Bohr's atomic model makes it abundantly clear that there is a way to pass through solid matter. So in summation, we can have our daily tea-party in the fifth dimension. :'''Frylock''': Knock-knock. Well, I hope I'm--OH MY GOD! :''[Meatwad is about 10-15 times his usual size]'' :'''Meatwad''': Frylock, what a pleasant surprise. I'm just finishing up my symposium. You've met my colleagues, Professor Vanessa and Dr. Dewey. :'''Frylock''': Yeah, what happened to your body, man?! :'''Meatwad''': Well, it's obvious, isn't it? Thermal expansion. :'''Frylock''': No, it's not thermal expansion. I know what thermal expansion is. :'''Meatwad''': Okay, fine, I'm sure that you do. Let's see.. how can I explain this without blowing your mind. :'''Frylock''': Oh yes, please. Dumb it down for me. :'''Meatwad''': Heisenburg's Uncertainty Principle tells us that at a specific curvature of space, knowledge can be transferred into energy-- :'''Frylock''': Heisenburg's Uncertainty--! :'''Meatwad''': ...and this is key now...matter. :'''Frylock''': No it does not! :'''Meatwad''': Well, some people struggle with Heisenburg. ''[pulls out a yo-yo]'' Look, here's a toy. It goes up and down on a string. Doesn't that look like fun? :'''Frylock''': ''[knocks yo-yo away]'' Get that out of my face! :'''Meatwad''': Why don't you take that into the other room while the adults are doing important research here. :'''Frylock''': Oh, I'm sorry Professor! I didn't realize knowledge could also transform you into an arrogant ass! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[levitating a boy in a car with his mind]'' Quiet! I need complete concentration or the child will die. <hr width=50%/> :''[Carl's car crashes on his roof]'' :'''Carl''': Ohh, do not tell me that that is my car up there on the roof! :'''Meatwad''': Okay, we won't. :'''Carl''': Get it down! :'''Meatwad''': Okay. :'''Carl''': Wait, wait no don't! ''[car crashes to the ground]'' DAMMIT! ===Interfection=== <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr Weird''': ''(his head has shrunk and speaking in a high pitch voice)'' GENTLEMEN! TURN IT ON! :'''Steve''': Okay. ''(pushes a button to pump Dr Weird's head)'' :'''Dr Weird''' ''(head gets bigger and bigger)'' ''TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Plaque is a figment of the liberal media and the dental industry to scare you into buying useless appliances and pastes. Now, I've read the arguments on both sides, and I haven't found any evidence yet to support the need to brush your teeth. ''Ever.'' :'''Meatwad''': I don't know how you'd know; you ain't got no teeth. :'''Master Shake''': Well, I got rid of my teeth at a young age, because...I'm straight. Teeth are for gay people. That's why fairies come and get 'em. :'''Meatwad''': If teeth make me gay then sign me up, 'cause I wish I had 'em. <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': Computer, search for teeth and plaque conspiracy ''(pause),'' and Metallica. :'''Meatwad''': And Justin Timberlake. ''[Shake ignores him]'' Do a search for Justin Timberlake. ''[Shake continues to ignore him]'' ... J-U-S-- :'''Shake''': Please hush up. The search needs complete silence to work. :'''Meatwad''': Oh shoot, I forgot. I'm sorry. :'''Master Shake''': Well, I'm sorry, but if ''you'' can't learn that little lesson, then someone's going to get their little mouth stabbed shut with skewers! And then we'll see how easily the axe slices through the meat! :''[Meatwad's eyes get big, then he starts bawling.]'' :'''Master Shake''': All right, okay. Maybe that was a little huge. Listen, I would never hit you with an axe... :''[Meatwad's sobs subside as he pauses for a second and looks up at Master Shake]'' :'''Master Shake''': ...when you had skewers stabbed through your mouth. :''[Meatwad immediately resumes crying.]'' :'''Master Shake''': I would think one or the other would be enough. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': All right! Five point nine percent over APR! You don't get that every day! :'''Master Shake''': Are you kidding?! With APR like that I could just die! <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that I was in the Supreme frickin' Court here! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah. Neither did I. :'''Shake''': Should I have my lawyer present for my frickin' trial?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Is it hot, girl-on-girl action? <hr width=50%/> :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': It's so easy to use, and the surgery to implant it in the base of your skull is so painless, it's no wonder I'm #1! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': [appears on a monitor] Hello there, Internet Cyberville. Hey, if your watching this right now, I'm running outta oxygen and I seriously need to get to my bathroom, WHICH IS CURRENTLY BEING BLOCKED BY SOME STUPID ASS HIT-THE-MONKEY THING! [pop-up falls on Carl's fingers cutting them] Oh god! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Hey listen, could you get me some chicks that ''don't'' have the ZZ Top Lumberjack look? If I wanted to date Sasquatch, I'd call your mother. Ha-ha! <hr width=50%/> :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': But the skull implant comes in this decorative tin. :'''Frylock''': Decorate ''this!'' ''[uses eye lasers to blow up pop-up ad for the tin]'' :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': Okay, okay, okay, okay! Fine! Fine. Don't use our service. Get left in the digital dust! But remember, you could have won a Porsche. <hr width=50%/> :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': And after this 90-day trial, you will be judged and sentenced to a lifetime of interactive sports, news, and information. And we will continue to draw from your account, because banks don't care. It's not their money. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': I'm tired of livin' in this tree, now. How long till we gonna go home? :'''Frylock''': Two more weeks. :'''Meatwad''': TWO MORE WEEKS?! :'''Frylock''': Shut up and eat your squirrel meat! :'''Shake''': Squirrel meat, bleh. :''[Pop up ads begin to appear as the Wwwyzzerdd cackles in the background]'' :'''Shake''': What? I got wireless. ''[Hits an ad]'' What? ===PDA=== :'''Shake''': Someone stole my PDA, and I will ruin this house with my anger! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': Look Shake, people usually get a PDA when they have a job, and friends, and a life! :'''Shake''': Look, you, you, you happen to have no idea what I do for a living do you? :'''Frylock''': You're damn right I don't! I saw you boil a hot dog today. Did you get paid for that?! :'''Shake''': Because I don't have access to my scheduling book, because my PDA's gone! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': Wha, oh come on! We're lookin' for my thing, together, we're like buds, it's cool. Hey, you fly. You go, why don't you go check the gutters. :'''Frylock''': But, why would it be up in the gutters, Shake? :'''Shake''': That's where your DVD burner ended up, when it decided not to work. :'''Frylock''': Oh, I ''damn'' sure better not find that up there! :'''Master Shake''': Well, that's the last place I remember chucking it. :''[Frylock flies to the roof.]'' :'''Frylock''': ''[yelling]'' Hey! Dammit! You did throw my DVD burner up here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': I have some parents, Frylock? :'''Frylock''': Hell no, you don't have any damn parents! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': This is your captain speaking and welcome to the glass-bottom boat ride at the world famous Trenton Tar Pits. I just wanna let you all know I'm a convicted sex offender. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Tar, well, I tell ya if I wanna smell like a shingle, I go get my frisbee and my tanktop and my [[w:Captain EO|Captain EO]] out of the gutter. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': There ain't nothin' down here but tar and a condom wrapper! This is gross! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': All right, and I'm back, ladies and gentlemen. They won't be bothering us anymore. I chased them off with my nudity...does that arouse anyone down there, or... :'''Meatwad''': What does that mean? :'''Frylock''': It means that we're gonna get off this boat right now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': Okay, and we've docked...and I feel a little sexy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': Who down there wants to meet the captain? And feel sexy with him. :'''Meatwad''': Oooh, I do, I wanna meet the captain! :'''Frylock''': No, you don't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': Ah, jee whiz! This is the greatest gift I ever got in my life that I never wanted ever! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Romulox''': Oh, I didn't see your knock-offs there, nice. Are you goin' for the ironic look, or the look-I-don't-have-any-money look? :'''Shake''': I don't know, which one would you do? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': What's wrong with your elbow? :'''Romulox''': Oh, you didn't get that surgery. I'm sorry. :'''Meatwad''': We don't have insurance. :'''Romulox''': Only two people have the easy-flow elbow, and one of them happens to be named [[w:Bruce Willis|Bruce Willis]]. <hr width+50%/> ===Mail Order Bride=== :'''Frylock''': Santa's coming tonight Meatwad, so I really need your Christmas list— :'''Meatwad''': Here. :'''Frylock''': …and if you've been a good boy this year, you may just get this…this L-shaped thing. :'''Meatwad''': No, see, what that is, is a hair dryer. :'''Frylock''': You want a hair dryer? :'''Meatwad''': Yeah. :'''Frylock''': For what? You don't have any- :'''Meatwad''': Keep reading, next to the hair dryer. :'''Frylock''': This—this is a squiggle. :'''Meatwad''': No, that's hair. You read it backwards, fool. So go get it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Oh, man. I cannot wait. I got the oils, the candles, the works! When does that babe get here? :'''Master Shake''': Carl, don't refer to her as a "babe", please. She is a Chechnyan prostitute, and you will address her as such. :'''Carl''': Look, just don't cash that check immediately. I wanna make sure that both of us marryin' her is gonna be, you know, legal. :'''Master Shake''': Of course it is! What are you kidding me? Santa Claus ain't legal and he's around. :'''Carl''': Well, I guess that makes sense, you know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': Look merry, dammit! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Shoo, that sure was a good sleep I had. WHERE ARE THE DAMN PRESENTS?! :'''Frylock''': It's 4:00 in the afternoon Meatwad, that wasn't Santa. :'''Meatwad''': Well, you know, maybe Santa's just gettin' a jump start on things this year. 'Cause, you know, statistics they show that there are more people in the world today. That's China's fault. :'''Frylock''': Where do you get this information? :'''Meatwad''': Regis. <hr width="50%"/> :''[on a ladder]'' :'''Carl''': Look, would you just hold it with your hands?! :'''Master Shake''': I can do two things at the same time, chubby. :'''Carl''': No, ya can't! :'''Master Shake''': ''[reading a magazine to himself]'' Huey Lewis making a comeback! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Carl has broken his neck.]'' :'''Carl''': Hey, get back here! I think I need some help here! :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, I know you do. :''[Master Shake walks away.]'' :'''Carl''': Get back here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': Well, there ain't gonna be no dinner this year. :'''Frylock''': What about your girlfriend. I thought she was gonna cook. :'''Master Shake''': "Co-fiancee." Let's get it right, please. :'''Frylock''': "Co-"? :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, you know, I'll split her with Carl. So he's "co-owner." :'''Frylock''': You're depraved. :'''Master Shake''': Yes, thank you, I think she sees that quality in me. But that damn Carl is so Selfish. :'''Meatwad''': Carl should remember the reason for the season. :'''Master Shake''': The reason for the season is pleasin and I ain't gettin much pleasin and Carl better get his ass with the program. :'''Carl''': Get with what program, Cup? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Hey fry-man, you think I can get you to come over here and uh, blow a frickin' hole in my wall? :'''Frylock''': What's wrong, Carl? :'''Carl''': Well, for starters, she's barricaded herself inside the house. And every time she talks to me, it's in this, like, language. It's like some demon yelling at me, or something! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Schoolly D''': Santa Claus got barbeque sauce in his drawers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Okay, I'm awake. Let's, uh, friggin go get married. :'''Meatwad''': Oh Good! :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, brotha! :'''Carl''': Let's get married, yeah! :''[at Carl's house]'' :'''Frylock''': And do you, Svetlana... what does this say? :'''Carl''': Look, just say Smith or Jones or something... there's no way you can pronounce that right. :'''Frylock''': Svetlana Smith take Carl... :'''Carl''': Just say Smith again, it don't matter... none of this matters. :'''Frylock''': ...Smith to be your lawfully wedded husband... :'''Master Shake''': Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! :'''Frylock''': ...to honor... :'''Master Shake''': Back up! Rewind! :'''Frylock''': ...take Carl, and Master Shake... :'''Master Shake''': That's more like it. :'''Frylock''': to be your lawfully wedded husbands as long as you three shall live. :'''Svetlana''': ''[speaking Russian, from inside Carl's house]'' :'''Carl''': Alright, yeah! :'''Master Shake''': Alright, score! :'''Carl''': Sweet nectar! :'''Frylock''': Okay, now shove the ring under the door. :'''Master Shake''': No, we're not doing the ring, I'm not gettin' roped into all that. :'''Frylock''': How can you not have a ring? :'''Master Shake''': No, it ends here. I haven't seen food once since she's shown up. :'''Carl''': He's right, let's do this thing - light this candle. :'''Frylock''': By the power invested in me by the state of New Jersey I now pronounce you men and wife. You may now kiss the door. :'''Master Shake''': Blow it open Frylock. :'''Carl''': Do it! :'''Svetlana''': [speaking Russian; escapes] :'''Carl''': Svetlana, baby? :'''Master Shake''': Great! Great! :'''Carl''': Oh Man! She got the car. :'''Meatwad''': Well technically, it's half hers now, right? Or a third, I don't know. :'''George''': Introducing the new Misters and Mrs. Bertwoski! :'''Carl''': It's Brutananadilewski! And you get the hell out of here! :'''Master Shake''': No way, you are staying! We got him til two. <hr width+50%/> ===Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future=== :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Now in the future, the past has occurred. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': You're the Ghost of Christmas Past...right? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': That is correct. :'''Carl''': Okay, well...I mean, you know that it's February...right? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[pause]'' I am a robot. :'''Carl''': Well, you know, obviously. What are you, stupid? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[stutters]'' I will see you in December, tomorrow! :'''Carl''': Okay, whatever there, just lock your door on the way- :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[breaks through the wall]'' Do what? :'''Carl''': Nevermind, just leave! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Flashback to Carl's house on Christmas in the 1960s]'' :'''Carl''':''[opening his present]'' Oh boy oh boy oh boy I hope this is a new mommy! :'''Carl's Dad''': Yeah, it's not. Hurry up and open it, ya little creep, we gotta be at work in an hour. :'''Carl''': What is this, is this carpet, daddy? :'''Carl's Dad''': Carpet? No. That's [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Berber_carpet berber], its an industry term. :'''Carl''': Hey, look it's a magic flyin' carpet! Look at me, I'm flyin' around in Egyptland! :'''Carl's Dad''':''[cuts Carl off]'' Yeah, that's cute. Don't get too attached there, Aladdin, 'cause its about to be magic flyin' dinner. :'''Carl''':''[looking worried]'' Y-you can't eat carpet... Silly Daddy. :'''Carl's Dad''': Hehe, not like that you can't. You gotta boil it, till the glue gets soft.:''[looks at his watch]'' Oh jeez, look at the time! :'''Carl''': But it's Christmas, Daddy! :'''Carl's Dad''': You're not getting out of this one! Put on your work boots and your respirator! I pulled ''A LOT'' of strings to get them to hire an 8 year old. :'''Carl''':''[Muttering to himself]'' Don't make me go, I don't wanna make insulation... :'''Carl's Dad''': ''C'MON, WE'RE LATE!!!!'' :'''Carl''': OH GOD! :''[Robot appears and lasers shoot everywhere]'' :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': You remember that Christmas, don't you? :'''Carl''': Yeah, well, you know, I remember eating carpet. Not so much the, uh, lasers and the robots. <hr width=50%/> :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': And that is where babies come from … for machines. :'''Meatwad''': Boy, that's some story. That...kinda is different from what I been told about people loving each other...and, you know, physically... :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': No! That is very wrong! You cling to your pathetic fable of fluid exchange. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': (after finding his swimming pool filled with blood) It looks like someone wrung a herd of cows through a juicer or something! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Wait, wait...who unionized? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Wouldn't you like to know? Probably yo mama. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Man, it makes me sad they had to open their gifts in front of an ape and they were all made out of doodoo. What kinda Christmas is that?! :'''Frylock''': It's okay Meatwad. This is all a bunch of bull. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': You don't believe? :'''Frylock''': Believe what? That you're a ghost and Santa Claus is an ape? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever- :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''Was'' an ape. Now he is a machine! :'''Meatwad''': I left cookies and a glass of milk FOR A MACHINE?!! :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': No man, he's an ape. ''[They look at him questioningly]'' I mean, wait he is a machine! You were trying to mess me up on purpose! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': But I thought everyone back then was undeveloped? Couldn't make machines with their crinkled hands. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Well the elves came from the red planet, and there was much defecation. :'''Frylock''': Yeah, yeah, you mentioned that. How long ago did you say this was? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[Fog rolls in]'' Thousands of years ago- :'''Frylock''': Oh shut up! You still haven't explained why the pool is filled with elf blood! :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': I told you earlier, it was the Great Circuiting. :'''Frylock''': You didn't mention no "Great Circuiting". :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Oh, I didn't? ''[pause]'' Thousands of years ago... <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': I hate to be a buzz kill, but he said that your house is on elf graves and they're pissed off. :'''Carl''': All right, fine, we'll do that. :'''Meatwad''': And the blood's just gonna keep flowing, unless …. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Unless Carl pays tribute to the Elfin Elders in space. :'''Carl''': I'll do it. What do I do? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': You must give up yourself to the Great Red Ape. :'''Carl''': Okay … how much? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Sexually. :'''Carl''': … wonderful. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': What did you say your name was again? :'''Glenn Danzig''': Danzig, mother fucker! I got a question: can you make the blood flow up the walls? :'''Carl''': Lemme go talk to my blood guy over here. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': I don't see why not. :'''Carl''': That's elf blood, too. That ain't cheap-- :'''Glenn Danzig''': How much you want? :'''Carl''': Oh, I dunno...a million? :'''Glenn Danzig''': Killer. Draft the check tomorrow. :'''Carl''': You're serious--THANK YOU GOD!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Glenn Danzig''': Now look, you listen to me as hard as you fucking can. That fucking robot came with the fuckin' house, and now he's fucking gone! If you see that mother-- :'''Master Shake''': Oh, don't worry, we'll tell you! :'''Glenn Danzig''': You fucking better. If I find out he's over here, I'm gonna be eating my cereal out of the bottom of your fuckin' skull! Verstandlich?!! ''[Glenn walks away]'' :'''Master Shake''': Ok. So... thank you :'''Meatwad''': ''[To Cybernetic Ghost]'' Hey you come out now. He's gone. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': (about Danzig) I cannot live with that guy. He is ''so'' annoying, he is ''so'' frightening, and he doesn't wear a shirt. :'''Master Shake''': You make our house bleed right now! ==External links== {{wikipedia|Aqua Teen Hunger Force (season 1)|Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 1)}} *[http://video.adultswim.com/aqua-teen-hunger-force/ ''Aqua Teen Hunger Force''] at Adult Swim *{{imdb title||Aqua Teen Hunger Force}} [[Category:Aqua Teen Hunger Force seasons]] {| class="wikitable" border="1" style="width:100%; text-align: center;" | width="30%" | <small>N/A</small> | width="30%" | '''''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]'' [[w:List of Aqua Teen Hunger Force episodes|seasons]]''' | width="30%" | Succeeded by<br>'''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 2)|Season 2]]''' |} {{Adult Swim}} oi4m8bjvq61r0v5g2vn81bz5kq4l9v9 3157856 3157855 2022-08-25T15:34:00Z 45.5.116.93 /* Ol' Drippy */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 1)|1]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 2)|2]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 3)|3]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 4)|4]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 5)|5]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 6)|6]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 7)|7]] | [[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1]] | [[Aqua Something You Know Whatever]] | [[Aqua TV Show Show]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force|'''Main''']] ---- <br> '''''[[w:Aqua Teen Hunger Force|Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''''', (also known by various [[w:Aqua Teen Hunger Force#Alternative titles|alternative titles]]), (2000–15) is an [[w:animated series|animated television series]] from the [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]]'s [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]] programming block. The show follows the exploits of three [[w:anthropomorphic|anthropomorphic]] fast food items: [[w:Master Shake|Master Shake]], the milkshake; [[w:Frylock|Frylock]], the carton of French fries; and [[w:Meatwad|Meatwad]], the aptly named wad of meat. ===[[w:Rabbot|Rabbot]]=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen! Vegetables have threatened man for generations. I have obtained funds to solve this vegetable nightmare! :'''Steve''': Uh, Dr. Weird — :'''Dr. Weird''': Behold... :'''Steve''': I thought that grant was for somewhat to cure diseases, and …. :'''Dr. Weird''': The grant?! What is that?! :'''Steve''': Dyuhhh …. :''' Dr. Weird''': Shut up. Behold! The Rabbot! ''[The door lifts up and reveals Dr. Weird's monstrous fifty-foot Rabbot]'' :'''Steve''': But, Dr. Weird — :'''Dr. Weird''': Now bring me my large French perfume and spray him in the eyes, because that's how it happened to me! ''[The Rabbot's face is sprayed with a giant bottle of French perfume]'' Now you feel pretty, don't you? Wa, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! ''[The Rabbot hops out the door and toward the lab wall]'' The Rabbot! My creation! ''[The Rabbot smashes through the lab wall and Steve jumps out from behind his hiding spot behind the desk.]'' :'''Dr. Weird''': What has science doooone? :''[the Rabbot hops down the street and proceeds to jump on top of Carl's car, effectively destroying it.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl:''' '''''WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FREAKIN' CAR?!''''' :'''Master Shake''': Good morning, Carl. How's it goin'? :'''Carl''': Oh yeah, good mornin' to you there, Mr. Food Monster, this is how it's goin'. Look at my frickin' car. It is crushed...to bajesus and back. :'''Master Shake''': Have you gotten any estimates? :'''Carl''': Ah, for the love of--I just found it this way. :'''Master Shake''': Carl... :'''Carl''': I just walked out here, for frickin' sake! :'''Master Shake''': Hey Carl, its okay...it's cool man, I'm a detective. Clear the crime scene and let me think...meteors did it! That'll be $20. :'''Frylock''': Hey, Carl. :'''Carl''': Great, we got the Fryman up here. :'''Master Shake''': I have not called for you, Frylock. What are you doing here? :'''Frylock''': I ''live'' here. :'''Master Shake''': Well, quit hovering. ''I'' am the leader! :'''Frylock''': Man, your car is messed up! How are you going to get to work, Carl? :'''Carl''': I work out of the home. :'''Master Shake''': Frylock, send Carl to work, then we shall solve this mystery and make $20. :'''Carl''':I work out of the home. Do not point that fry thing at me. :'''Master Shake''': Quickly, Carl, the ray is upon you. Where do you work? :'''Carl''': I done told ya, I work out of the home! Now stop with the Freak Beam! :'''Master Shake''': Send Carl to the home then! :'''Frylock''': To the home! :'''Carl''': STAY OUT OF MY POOL!! ''[Frylock beams Carl up and drops him flat on his back on his roof]'' Ow, my hip! :'''Master Shake''': Okay, that'll be $20. :'''Frylock''': So, what now, Shake? :'''Master Shake''': We shall solve the mystery from Carl's pool! :'''Carl''':: OH, NO, DON'T GOT TO MY POOL!!! :'''Master Shake''': Goin' to the bank! <hr width=50%/> :''[in Carl's pool]'' :'''Frylock''': This is a fun pool. I do like splashing. :'''Master Shake''': Yes, playing is for pleasure. We should have a pool. Make us one from the sky. I command it. :'''Frylock''': ''[sarcasm]'' Yeah, yeah, I'll do that. :'''Master Shake''': Seriously, I do command it :'''Frylock''': I wonder who killed Carl's car. :'''Master Shake''': A car cannot be "killed"! It was murdered by someone who is jealous of Carl's ability to drive. JEALOUSY is the motivation! <hr width=50%/> :'''Schooly D''': Man everybody know meat don't sleep. <hr width=50%/> :''[Meatwad is dancing, before Master Shake jumps on Meatwad's boom-box and destroys it.]'' :'''Master Shake''': Dancing is forbidden! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Where are we going? :'''Master Shake''': Shut your deformed mouth Meatwad, before I NAIL it shut! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': The scent seems to be coming from that mall :'''Master Shake''': I know! :'''Meatwad''': All right! I want some jeans! :'''Master Shake''': (pushes past him) I'M the one who wants some jeans! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': How did you get back there?! That's for salespersons only. I want to get back there. Get me back there! :''[Meatwad changes shape into a bridge over the sales counter.]'' :'''Meatwad''': Here. Take the Meat Bridge! It's right here! :'''Master Shake''': Meat Bridge? No. :''[Master Shake smashes a hole in sales counter.]'' :'''Meatwad''': Fine. Don't take the Meat Bridge. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Well, as long as we don't go back to the lab. :'''Frylock''': I need to go back to the lab. :'''Master Shake''': God! That'll take a thousand hours! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Does it LOOK like I'm OK?! Stand back, and I shall destroy him! SHAKE POWER ACTIVATE! ''[Shake huffs and puffs and excretes a glob of milkshake onto the road]]'' Now come over here and slip on it, if you dare, rabbit! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': I have called this meeting to say that downtown is no longer safe. :''[Cut to the Rabbot who is still causing havoc in the city]'' :'''Master Shake''': So, in short, we need to pick some new restaurants and night clubs. :'''Carl''': GET OUTTA MY FRICKIN' POOL! ===Escape From Leprauchpolis=== <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen! I have created... this thing! :'''Steve''': What is it? :'''Dr Weird''': I don't know. Stand over here. :'''Steve''': Uh, you mean right here? ''(gets catapulted by a rainbow into the sky)'' :'''Dr. Weird''': It WORKS! ''I am one can short of a six pack''! Wha-ha-ha-ha-ha! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[in the pool for the first time]'' Master Shake said it would dissolve me and then I would get clogged in the filter and then beavers would come and eat me. But that hasn't happened yet! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Look, I have a brain! ''(pause)'' I just took it out so it wouldn't get wet! :'''Frylock''': Yeah, man. He took his brain out. It's cool! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': All right, I'm gonna give this "Rainbow" thing another five minutes, and if it don't show up quick, then I am goin' down to the store and gettin' a hot-rod magazine, 'cause they got the chicks with the boobs in there! :'''Flargan''': ''[looking at Carl through binoculars]'' Excellent, another victim falls prey to me brilliant e-mail plan. Soon we will have enough treasure to rule all of New Jersey. :'''Merle''': Flargan, he doesn't really look like he has any money...or a job, or a wallet. :'''Flargan''': Well I...I'm sure he has some decent tennis shoes. :'''Merle''': He doesn't even have pockets. Look, he's wearing sweatpants. :'''Flargan''': Dingle, engage the rainbow machine! :'''Dingle''': Feet! :''[Dingle turns on the machine]'' :'''Carl''': Yeah, here come the gold! Aw, look at this now, I don't see crap in there. I know this game. This is how they get you. :''[He gets sucked up in the rainbow, and lands flat on his back in the forest]'' :'''Flargan''': Yes, fat man, this IS how we get you! :'''Carl''': Hey there, where's the gold there? :'''Flargan''': Flip-flops? What is this!? :'''Merle''': What did I say? No money, no job, no taste. <hr width=50%/> :'''Merle''': ''[upon seeing Master Shake and Meatwad]'' What in the hell is that?! You know this whole plan is attractin' nothin' but a bunch of goobers. :'''Flargan''': What do their shoes look like? :'''Merle''': Seems kinda stupid doing this whole thing for shoes. :'''Flargan''': It's not just for shoes! It's...it's for... :'''Merle''': It's for what? This [[w:Bananarama|Bananarama]] tape with no case? We really scored big on that one, didn't we, buddy? <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': He told me to get in the freezer 'cause there was a carnival in there. There was no carnival! It was a damn freezer! I got freezer burn and I got mushed up against a chicken. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Let's go. They don't have nothin', it's like a flea market threw up in there. :'''Meatwad''': Look, a Bananarama tape! :'''Master Shake''': That's mine! Drop it where you are! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': You don't need a machine to make a rainbow, for rainbows are made of happy thoughts, and dreams, and chocolate unicorns, and gumdrops, and licorice sunsets, and fuzzy gumdrop bears, in Sugar-Covered Chocolate Gumdrop Land. :'''Master Shake''': No way in hell. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': All right! The ''real'' rainbow! I did it! I brought happiness and joy to us all! :''[a rainbow rips Carl's house off its foundation and flings it through the air.]'' :'''Master Shake''': Wow! :'''Carl''': Oh, good. :''[Awkward silence.]'' :'''Meatwad''': Well, I gotta go...see ya later. <hr width+50%/> ===Bus of the Undead=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen, behold: Mothmonst- ''(Mothmonsterman flies off)'' Oh no! Mothmonsterman, no! Come back! :'''Steve''': He has escaped. :'''Dr. Weird''': Yes, through the hole. ''[slips and falls]'' My banana! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Good morning, Carl! :'''Carl''': Yeah, it is a good morning there little man...''it's three in the morning!!!!!!!!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Look, all I know is that this cord here was plugged into my house, and your house was glowin' like the frickin' sun! So I put two and two together there hey, and decided that you're pissin' me off. :'''Master Shake''': We are truly sorry, Carl, and it will probably never happen again. Can we have our cord back? :'''Carl''': No, no there. I'm just gonna keep it there, since it's uh, mine anyways. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mothmonsterman''': Oh, hey, where you guys been? :'''Master Shake''': Memphis. :'''Mothmonsterman''': Really?! That's awesome. How was it? :'''Master Shake''': Oh, it was very nice. They light up the bridge. We had fried catfish. :'''Meatwad''': When did you have fried catfish? <hr width=50%/> :[''Frylock, Master Shake and Meatwad return home to find Carl tied up with silk, hanging from the ceiling''] :'''Frylock''': What have you done with him? :'''Mothmonsterman''': I just laid a thousand of my eggs inside his esophagus. You know, I need to propagate my species and, he's bein' a baby about it. :'''Frylock''': You know, we have a cloner. :'''Mothmonsterman''': Seriously? :[''Inside Frylock's office, a timer dings''] :'''Frylock''': Oh, no- the cloner! :'''Master Shake''': The brownies! :'''Meatwad''': My brownies! :[''Winged monsters, made from a mix of insect and brownie DNA, burst out of Frylock's office''] :'''Master Shake''': Run! To the pool! :[''Frylock, Master Shake and Meatwad run outside''] :'''Mothmonsterman''': Wait, you have a pool? [''Brownie monsters swarm the living room''] Oh, my God- :[''Out in the backyard''] :'''Frylock''': You put a brownie in my cloning device, didn't you? :'''Master Shake''': No! Yes. I don't know. Maybe! Look, that was six weeks ago! I locked the door; let 'em just duke it out. :'''Meatwad'''': You didn't lock the door, it was out in the yard...! :[''A huge swarm of brownie monsters attacks''] ===Mayhem of the Mooninites=== :'''Ignignokt''': ''(knocks on Carl's door)'' Hello, Carl. I am Ignignokt, and this is Err. :'''Err''': I am Err! :'''Ignignokt''': We are Mooninites from the inner core of the Moon. :'''Err''': You said it right! :'''Ignignokt''': Our race is hundreds of years beyond yours. :'''Err''': Man, do you hear what he's sayin'?! :'''Ignignokt''': Some would say that the Earth is our moon. :'''Err''': We're the moon. :'''Ignignokt''': But that would belittle the name of our moon... which is the Moon. :'''Err''': The point is, we're at the center. Not you! :'''Carl''': No, the real point is: I don't give a damn! ''(slams door)'' <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Your jambox is now his by way of our actions. :'''Master Shake''': Yes, Meatwad, with actions! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Err''': Shoot him the bird! :'''Ignignokt''': Yes, give him the finger. :'''Meatwad''': The finger? Like this? ''(turns into a hot-dog)'' :'''Ignignokt''': No. Not at all like that. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Err''': We smoke as we shoot the bird! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': You and your "third dimension." :'''Frylock''': Yeah? What about it? :'''Ignignokt''': Oh, nothing. It's cute. We have five. :'''Err''': Th-thousand. :'''Ignignokt''': Yes, five thousand. :'''Err''': Don't question it! :'''Frylock''': Oh yeah? Well, I only see two. :'''Ignignokt''': Well, that sounds like a personal problem. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Frylock''': I don't think Meatwad should be hanging around with these Moon people. :'''Master Shake''': I don't think I should be playing with these medium strings. I need light gauge if I'm gonna thrash! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Using keys to gouge expletives onto another's vehicle is a sign of trust and friendship. :''[Cut to Carl standing outside his house, looking at his vandalized car.]'' :'''Carl''': ''Who did this to my frickin' car!!??'' <hr width = 50% /> :'''Carl''': So maybe you be a good person to ask who wrote ''The Moon Rulez #1'', on my car, with a key! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Carl''': ''[Effortlessly dodging the Mooninites' shot]'' Nice shot there, Brick Out. ''[Unbeknownst to Carl, the shot rebounds off his house and back towards him]'' Now I want you jokers out of this- ''[The shot hits Carl and he phases out as he is transported to the moon]'' OH GOD! MY BACK! WHOOOAAAA... <hr width = 50% /> :''[Frylock has blown up the TV with his laser vision]'' :'''Ignignokt''': What was that? :'''Err''': Whoa! Did those just come out of your eyes? :'''Ignignokt''': They're primitive :'''Err''': Damn! Those are fast, man! :'''Ignignokt''': We are not impressed :'''Err''': Hey, wasn't that cool? <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': ''[Giving Frylock the finger from space]'' I hope he can see this because I'm doing it as hard as I can. <hr width+50% /> ===Balloonenstein=== :'''Carl''': Oh, sweet, sweet nectar. It's like my pool is tearin' ass around the backyard. But it's stayin' still. Still waters run deep! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Grab my potatoes, Carl! :'''Carl''': Sure, why not? <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': The real spaghetti got wet when I was boiling it so… it’s in the dryer! :'''Meatwad''':Why didn’t you say so! It's probably dry by now, so let's go get it. ''[saying as he gets into the dryer]'' Now remember, I like it spicy! :'''Shake''': Ha ha ha! So stupid! :'''Meatwad''': Hey, wait a second! Why's it spinnin'? :'''Schoolly D''': Come on, think about it, Meatwad! It's a dryer, man! Of course it's gonna spin! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Ooh. Damn! What dimension was that? Carl, your hands! :'''Carl''': Yeah, I know, I see 'em; they're very big. Well, it was fun. I'm gonna go take a nap now and then I think I'm gonna call, uh, some hospitals. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Shake, where is my popsicle? :'''Shake''': Please, wait a second... :'''Meatwad''': I require a popsicle every 15 minutes! You obviously did not read the memo! :'''Shake''': ''This'' is your memo? (''holds up a drawing'') I don't even know what this is! :'''Meatwad''': ''(zaps Shake)'' You sicken me with your lies. :'''Shake''': I'll make you some right away! :'''Meatwad''': "Make" me some? Please do not insult what little intelligence I have. I need it ''now''. :'''Shake''': Then I'll go to the store! Please sir! :'''Meatwad''': Yes you will. Now what is the magic word, '''''bitch'''''? :'''Shake''': PLEASE, let me go to the store and get popsicles for you! Thank you sire! :'''Meatwad''': That's right. ''(releases Shake; Shake runs out the door)'' You better run, boy! And bring back some chocolate syrup, too, or your fate is sealed! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Everybody hates me 'cause they die or get hurt. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Will this hurt 'im? :'''Frylock''': It shouldn't. :'''Master Shake''': Then ''why'' are we doing it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': ''[Chasing Meatwad with pencils]'' This is for shooting me in the roof and sending me to the store making me call you sire! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Go destroy Balloonenstein! :'''Meatwad''': Do what now? :'''Frylock''': Pop the balloon with the glass! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, yeah, okay. ''[long pause]'' Do what now? :'''Frylock''': Pop him with the glass! The glass in your head! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, yeah, I know. Don't yell at me! ''[pause]'' Do what now? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Damn it, he needs his brain. Otherwise he "just gonna float around forever sayin' "Do what now?" :'''Meatwad''': Do what now? :'''Master Shake''': Guess what? He's not gettin his brain back, because it is now the nerve center for the city of the future: LAS BRAINGELES! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''(now a 50 foot meatball, speaking in a booming voice)'' '''Where are my popsicles?!''' :'''Frylock''': Damn! :'''Master Shake''':''(scared)'' Is that you, God? :'''Meatwad''': '''Frylock, get away from the pool.''' :'''Frylock''': Aw, hell... ''(moves away from the pool)'' :'''Meatwad''': ''(leaps into the air)'' '''''CAN OPENER!!!!!!!!!!!''''' ===Space Conflict from Beyond Pluto=== :''(Trying to barbecue melons)'' :'''Emory''': How do want your melon? :'''Olgethorpe''': Emory, the melon's on fire! :'''Emory''': Well of course they're on fire. They're not made to be cooked. :'''Oglethorpe''': What do ''you'' know of fire? You prance around like you have laser eyes. You don't! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': I have an amazing plan to betray our new friend … hah-hah-hah! :'''Emory''': I thought the plan was to barbecue with him. :'''Oglethorpe''': Plans are for fools! When he gets here, we melt him … and laugh … on into the night! :'''Emory''': Why don't we just...talk to him and stuff? :'''Oglethorpe''': Why don't you shut up and let me do what I want for a change? <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Hey, hey, what is with all this interrogation? Let's toss the frisbee...over there ''[Points to the melting chamber]''...''WHERE WE WILL MELT YOU INTO FLUID!'' ''[begins stomping on the frisbee]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': We are on a top secret mission of world domination! :'''Frylock''': World domination? You guys couldn't take over a damn bowl of Jell-O! :'''Emory''': Hey, is that, like, an important place or something? :'''Oglethorpe''': ''[threateningly]'' Where is it? <hr width=50%/> :''[Frylock realizes that the Plutonians are complete idiots and wants to leave.]'' :'''Frylock''': Okay, look, which one of these buttons beams me out of here? :'''Oglethorpe''': Those buttons are red! You'll destroy us all! :''[Frylock pushes a button. Balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling and music plays.]'' :'''Emory''': All right, party time! :'''Oglethorpe''': Whose birthday is it? Someone gets a spanking! :''[Frylock pushes another button. Shake appears on the ship.]'' :'''Shake''': Hey, happy birthday! Hey, who's the lucky boy? :'''Frylock''': Shake, how did you get in this beam? :'''Shake''': Look, that beam came from space. You don't own space, so stop acting like you do. <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': You might be interested to know that we are just about to destroy your planet! :'''Master Shake''': Oh, go ahead, I'm not there, ah, it's fine. <hr width=50%/> :'''Emory''': You really think we need to blow up their planet? :'''Oglethorpe''': That's what I said, blow it up! Let's blow it up! :'''Emory''': Alright, fine. :''[Oglethorpe pushes a button. Balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling and music plays again.]'' :'''Emory''': ...Did it blow up, man? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': You cannot cut someone's lawn with matches, Meatwad! :'''Meatwad''': Look, I know that. You gotta have gasoline, otherwise how's it gonna spread to the street? :'''Carl''': ''(banging on the Aqua Teen's door)'' Open this damn door now! :'''Meatwad''': Oh, is he mad? Don't open it. :'''Carl''': I heard that! Open this door! <hr width=50%/> :''[the Plutonians have put Shake in the melting chamber.]'' :'''Emory''': Why isn't he melting? I mean, the beam's supposed to be on. :'''Oglethorpe''': Well, it's not! I'm looking right at it and it's not on. :'''Emory''': Maybe we need the remote. :'''Oglethorpe''': Well, maybe you shouldn't have run the melter through the VCR, Scheisskopf! :'''Emory''': Well, maybe it's 'cause you said "I want all meltings to be taped", even though you never watch 'em! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': '''''NOW, WHERE'S THAT DAMN REMOTE?!?!''''' <hr width=50%/> :''[Shake accidentally fires off an escape pod holding the Plutonians' remote control]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': What in the hell was that?! :'''Emory''': That was the, uh...escape pod. :'''Oglethorpe''': Damn it! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Stop pressing the buttons in there! :'''Shake''': This whole ship's a bunch of buttons! And I'm done with this Redbook, I was done with it the minute I saw it. And I'm hungry! :'''Oglethorpe''': You will eat what we say! :'''Emory''': You will eat ''when'' we say. That's right. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Uh, Shake... :'''Shake''': What do you want? :'''Frylock''': Carl is here... :'''Shake''': How did you get this--I'm not here! :''[At the Aqua Teens' house, Frylock, Carl, and Meatwad are watching Shake on the computer.]'' :'''Carl''': Oh, you're not there? :'''Shake''': Hello, Carl. :'''Carl''': Hey, buddy, how ya doin' there? Pizza Land, huh? That's lots of fun. Hey, uh, I wanted to let you know that '''''YOU BURNED MY FRICKIN' HOUSE DOWN!!!!!!!!!!''''' :'''Shake''': But the grass is gone--- :'''Carl''': Oh yea the grass is gone, just like how your face is gonna be gone after I '''SHOVE IT IN A PASTRAMI SLICER!!!''' <hr width=50%/> :''[Shake has asked for a new virtual environment. He appears in what appears to be a live-action park. He finds himself next to a horse.]'' :'''Female Computer Voice''': Welcome to this horse's anus. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[after Carl's house has burned down]'' Hey Carl, you want me to shampoo the rug? :'''Carl''': What's the frickin' point, Meatman? :'''Meatwad''': So you can give me some money. <hr width=50%/> :''[The Plutonians enact a plan to get rid of Shake]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, look over there! One hundred dollars! On the wing of the ship! :'''Shake''': ''[Shoves Oglethorpe out of the way]'' Oh, that's mine! I dropped it! Now where is it again? :'''Oglethorpe''': Right there. Do you see it? It's there. :'''Shake''': Why, this could be very dangerous. I...I should go. :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, would you? Please save us...from all the money. :''[Cut to Shake in a pod in space, looking for the money]'' :'''Shake''': Shake to ship! I'm still not seeing it! :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, you can't see it? Well, let me turn on the light for you! :''[the ship flies away, sending Shake spinning to Earth.]'' :'''Shake''': Wait! :'''Oglethorpe''': Jackass! <hr width=50%/> :''[Carl is holding a tire iron.]'' :'''Carl''': Hey, buddy! :'''Shake''': Hey, Carl! Hey! Lawn looks great! :'''Carl''': Likin' it? :'''Shake''': Why's your house all curled up? :'''Carl''': I don't know, I was hoping maybe we could have a little dialogue about that. :'''Shake''': Hey, that's a nice tire iron, Carl. Is that yours? :'''Carl''': Yeah, let me get in there and show you the finish on it. Up close. :''[Carl gets in the pod. The door closes.]'' :'''Carl''': Taste the chrome! :''[Carl proceeds to brutalize Shake. The pod falls over.]'' ===Ol' Drippy=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen, be- :'''Steve''': Uhh, you know, you can just call me Steve. I mean, there's no one else here. :''[The creature from the black lagoon suddenly appears behind Steve]'' :'''Steve''': Right? :'''Dr. Weird''': MY MIND! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': You ever hear of a refrigerator, or a frickin' trash can?! :'''Master Shake''': No. :'''Frylock''': You got three raw chickens in here on the floor! A dog wouldn't even take a crap in here! :'''Master Shake''': Look, just take the hose and lightly spray everything out the back door. :'''Frylock''': No, no ''MY ASS, YOU WILL!'' :'''Master Shake''': Drape a tarp over it. :'''Frylock''': Oh no you're not! You're gonna go to the damn store and get some cleaning supplies! :'''Meatwad''': What's goin' on? :'''Master Shake''': Look at this mess! Did you do this? ''[long pause]'' Fine, alright!. I'll do it, but it's my decision to do this, I declare it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Schooly D''': Yo, man. I think that mold is a-movin'. If it move one more time, I’m gettin' my gat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': This here's Vanessa. I know she looks like an apple, but she's actually a full-grown woman, and she fell in love with her boyfriend, Dewey, here, and they go off into outer space and then they... they get married. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''':(angrily enters the house) Where's Meatwad?! :'''Frylock:''' What're you doing with that gutter? :'''Master Shake:''' What're you doin' with that beard, huh? Answer that, scientist! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': My telescope! And you've ruined it! How will I ever see the stars again? :'''Meatwad''': This ain't no telescope, it's Dewey. He's an engineer, and he works on the Supertrain. :'''Master Shake''': He does what?! You've got mental problems. ''[Hits Meatwad repeatedly with gutter]'' Taste the chrome! :'''Ol' Drippy''': ''[walking in with the "doll"]'' What's it taste like? :'''Master Shake''': Your mother's... ''[sees Ol' Drippy for the first time]'' AAAHHHH, MONSTER!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Did you see a woman in a bikini with a six-pack of beer and a surfboard come in here? :'''Frylock''': Was it made of cardboard, used to be up at the liquor store? :'''Carl''': Uhh...no. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': You two-timin' bitch! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Ohhh, she smells like dead mushrooms and cheeseburger meat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ol' Drippy''': Idle hands spend time at the genitals, and you know how much God hates that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frylock has suggested that Shake be "polite"; Shake intentionally knocks Ol' Drippy's latte out of his "hand".]'' :'''Shake''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to knock that out of your hand, I don't know what came over me! There, was that polite enough for you, Frylock?! I'm apologizing to your best friend in the whole universe! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': Shake, what is wrong with you? :'''Master Shake''': What's wrong with ''you''? Hey, why don't you go kiss your new best friend, you love him so damn much! I'm the one who cleaned the kitchen. I'm the authority! :'''Carl''': ''[at the door]'' Someone wanna tell me why my pool is full of hotdog chunks and dirty dishes? :'''Master Shake''': Oh Carl, you didn't mess with it did ya? Cause it's gotta set up for a couple days with the battery. :'''Carl''': The battery? :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, you know, the one from your car. I dumped some shampoo in there too, but it's dog shampoo so I dunno if it's gonna work, but were prayin' like hell that it does. :'''Carl''': No, no, no, I understand, I understand. I'm just gonna go, I'll be back in a few. You uh, you think that the gun store is still open? :'''Ol' Drippy''': Carl, please, I'll take care of the mess. He means well, he's just a little... well, I'd better not say. :'''Master Shake''': What? I'm a little what? :'''Carl''': Thank you, Drippy. You are very well-mannered and very nice. ''[To Master Shake]'' And ''you'' oughta take lessons from him! :'''Frylock''' [agreeing with Carl]: That's right! :'''Meatwad''' [agreeing with both Frylock and Carl]: Yeah, Shake. That's right! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': Oh yeah, he's nice now, but don't come looking for me when he's burying your bodies out in the desert. <hr width+50%/> [Meatwad kicks out Shake] :'''Meatwad''': Well, get out of here! What are you waiting on? I’m gonna chase you outta here! [Sidewalk at night. Shake is in the rain] :'''Shake''':[Making a post-and-lintel structure out of sofa cushions] That’s good. Okay, that’s all right. That looks good. Hey, who says I couldn’t do this, huh?[Lightning strikes the sofa cushions apart] AAAAHHH! Let me in! Will you let me in, dammit! I mean, guys! Hey-hey! Somebody wanna let me in, please?[Frylock goes to open the door for Shake] :'''Frylock''': Well, Shake! I thought you moved. :'''Shake''': What?! I never said that! Who said that!?(He starts coughing) :'''Ol Drippy''': Oh my. You’re burning up. :'''Shake''': Yes, I’m very... sick.(He coughs some more) :'''Ol Drippy''': Frylock, he needs medical help. :'''Frylock''': He needs an ass-whooping is what he needs. :'''Ol Drippy''': There’s no time! Here Shake, eat my head! :'''Shake''': Here! Kiss my ass! Forget about it!! :'''Ol Drippy''': I’m serious. Coat me with ranch. Chase me with cheese if you must, I don’t care. It’s the only way. :'''Frylock''': Drippy, don’t! What are you doing? :'''Meatwad''': Don’t do that, that’s going to hurt you! :'''Ol Drippy''': I’m saving his life! I’m half penicillin! :'''Frylock''': Well, I have some penicillin in my lab if that’s what this is all about. :'''Ol Drippy''': Oh, really? Well then, just give him some of that man, I mean- :'''Shake''': No, wait. Now, hold on a minute, I- I kind of like the taste of your head. I mean, you said it was the only way, right?(coughs again) :'''Meatwad''': Where are you going, Drippy? I- I love you! :'''Ol Drippy''': I'm going away for a while, Meatwad. And I may never come back. But I'll always be here, inside. :'''Shake''': Yeah, in my stomach, baby. :'''Ol' Drippy''': Close your eyes, Meatwad. ''[Shake takes a big bite out of Ol' Drippy]'' AAH! :'''Shake''': Leave your eyes open, Meatwad. I wanna horrify you into a coma. <hr width+50%/> :''[Shake is eating fried chicken in the pool after Drippy got hit by a truck while saving his life]'' :'''Shake''': Look...he pushed me. :'''Fryock''': He pushed you out of the way of that truck. :'''Shake''': Listen...he's in a better place. :'''Frylock''': He's in the ''grill'' of the truck! :'''Meatwad''': He was my best friend. :'''Shake''': Ah, well then you should know something. When he was pushing me...he mentioned something about not liking you. :'''Frylock''': Ah, man. :'''Shake''': I clearly heard it. :'''Meatwad''': Did he really? :'''Shake''': That stuck out. :'''Meatwad''': Well...I guess I'll have one of those wings then. Gimme one. :'''Shake''': ''[Throws a wing towards Meatwad]'' Here, fetch. :'''Meatwad''': Where's the meat?! This is a bone! :'''Shake''': Go make a doll out of that! ===Revenge of the Mooninites=== :'''Meatwad''': How am I ever gonna win that ten speed? :'''Master Shake''': How are you ever gonna ride a ten speed with no frickin' legs?! You're just gonna bust the ass that you don't even have! Who bothered to spawn you...and ''why''?! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Fryman, we're full of religion. Everyone, please, bow your heads and pretend to be serious. :'''Err''': Do it or I'll bow 'em for ya! :''[Frylock throws the Mooninites out of the house]'' :'''Ignignokt''': You have deeply offended us and our god, and our god is a god of vengeance...and horror :'''Err''': And action! :'''Ignignokt''': Our god is an Indian that turns into a wolf :'''Err''': That's [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wolfen_(film) Wolfen], man. :'''Ignignokt''': Well...the Wolfen will come for you with his razor. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Meatwad''': I do not want to do anything illegal here, but I would kill somebody in front of their own mama to get a ten speed and if anybody testifies against me, I'll gouge their eyes out. :'''Err''': Let's go get drunk and rip off a ten speed! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, we'll get a basket and a horn on the handle. :'''Err''': Then we'll set it on fire and wreck it into children and laugh at their parents and then we'll...get on the... ohh man, I'm toasted! :'''Ignignokt''': The innocent shall suffer... big time. <hr width = 50% /> :''[Ignignokt shows Carl the Foreigner Belt]'' :'''Carl''': Wait a second...is that from the '83 tour? Yeah! I saw those guys in the Meadow Lands with Bryan Adams! That was a kickass show! I totally copped this feel off this passed out broad when they were playing ''Urgent''. Every time I hear ''Urgent'' on the radio I think of that girl's boobs and...covered in vomit. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Meatwad''': Oh, yeah baby! That's a neat car she's washin'! You think that's a straight six? :'''Err''': I think I ''have'' a straight six! :'''Ignignokt''': Ooh, Err, your sexual innuendo is priceless! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Torch the dresser, Meatwad. :'''Meatwad''': But, this is where Carl keeps his clothes. :'''Ignignokt''': Look, these women don't have any clothes and they're not complaining. :'''Err''': Yeah, man. They're kissin' each other! :'''Ignignokt''': And you want Carl to be forever kissed, don't you? :'''Meatwad''': Well, I guess so.. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Your neighbor Carl was gracious enough to let us rip him off and burn his furniture for no reason. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Carl''': I don't need no instructions to know how to rock! ===MC Pee Pants=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen, behold! My beautiful fiancée! :'''Steve''': Uh, I think that's a giant spider. :''[MC Pee Pants grabs Dr. Weird and starts to mangle him]'' :'''Dr. Weird''': You're right! I've been betrayed! Run! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''':'' [listening to Bach]'' Yeah, now listen to ''that'' beat. Now that's a kickin' glissando! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': I like beatings, I'll beat ya all day! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Hey, which one of you guys has been playin' "I Like Candy", for a ''frickin' week''?!?! :'''Frylock''': It was your other neighbor. :'''Shake''': Meatwad. :'''Carl''': You know what? At this point, it doesn't matter, 'cause it keeps runnin' inside my head and it won't leave unless I blow it out, with a bullet! :'''Master Shake''': ''[notices Carl's mouth is full]'' What you eating there, Carl? ''(walks over to him)'' You gonna show me some love? :'''Carl''': Jawbreakers. For some reason, I can't get enough of 'em. :'''Master Shake''': Is that why your teeth are blue? :'''Carl''': Uh... no. :'''Master Shake''': Oh. Uh... So, why are you... :'''Carl''': Shut up. ''[brief silence, then begins singing]'' I like candy, bubblegum and ta--''DAMN IT!!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Trick or treat, smell my meat...''[Carl shuts the door]]'' ...Ah, man. :'''Carl''': ''[Opens the door]'' Look, Meatman, what are you doing trick-or-treatin'?! It's frickin' May. :'''Meatwad''': Look, I need candy. Now, are you going to give me some, or are you going to lose some teeth? :'''Carl''': I know, I've only heard your little song a thousand times! Now I need candy and I don't know why. :'''Meatwad''': Shhh... I don't listen to that kiddie crap any more, I'm check'n the adult jams now, see, check it. MC Pee Pants don't just want candy now, that's childish, he ''needs'' it. And when you need something that's a responsibility, that only only an adult... of my maturity... bunnies! :'''Carl''': Yeah, I got a deal at the dumpster, I mean, warehouse. Yeah, you might want to wipe the juice off 'em. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': You know Meatwad and Carl have been hanging out quite a bit lately. :'''Shake''': What, you want 'em to stop? ''(yelling out the front door)'' Rape, rape, oh rape! :'''Frylock''': No, no, no, it's fine, it's fine, but don't think it's a little bit weird that they started washing the car at midnight...and they're still doing it? :'''Shake''': Look, people do things, it's a fact. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': Shake, did you hear this lyric? About drilling a hole straight to hell, and releasing demons to create a global diet pill pyramid scheme?! :'''Master Shake''': Eh, I don't know. All that rap is is clicks and whistles. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': 612 Wharf Avenue? I know where that is, that's the, uh, abandoned warehouse next to Melon Shakers...th-the Gentlemen's Club. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': I should not walk so a child may live. ''[pause]'' That's what it does. :'''Frylock''': Get up! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Why aren't your lips moving? :'''MC Pee Pants''': Look, my shniggys, I had a strizzoke in my brizzain, okay? You know what I'm sayin'? So I can't move all good. Thanks for bringing that up, thank you very much! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': You're all the things that are in this ad: you're energetic, hard-working, you like people— :'''MC Pee Pants''': No, I love the liquid ''inside'' people. How many times I gotta tell you this, man? I'm insane! I eat people-juice. No one's gonna hire a people-juice eater! <hr width="50%"/> :''[in hell]'' :'''MC Pee Pants''': Hey guys. Hey man, who's into rap yo? :'''Satan''': Now you listen to me scab! We listen to speed metal! :'''MC Pee Pants''': Hey man it's cool. ''[Satan blasts MC P Pants with fire]'' AAAHH! :'''Satan''': No, it isn't! ===Dumber Dolls=== :'''Dr Weird''': Gentleman, behold. My time space contin- ''[freezes]'' :'''Steve''': What? ''[long pause]'' Uhhh....Dr. Weird? ''[pushes over Dr. Weird, and he explodes]'' See you later have a good weekend! <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': ''[After running over Meatwad's toys with a lawnmower]'' Hey, your astronauts better watch where they land their ship next time, 'cause they might get ''overrun'' by the alien life form, hahaha! :'''Meatwad''': They don't use ships, they use rocket boots. :'''Shake''': They don't use nothin' now, do they? <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': No, no I don't have a firearm, I just got these...action bills. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Frylock, where are the pills? :'''Frylock''': Pills? What do you need pills for? :'''Meatwad''': Well, Happy-Time Harry needs 'em. He says that the pills make the phone calls go away. :'''Frylock''': ''[Writes on a post-it note]'' Alright Meatwad, this is a prescription from Dr. Frylock for Jolly Sunshine Happiness! :'''Meatwad''': Oh, you think this is a game?! They're gonna garnish his wages and how's he gonna pay child support then, huh? I'll tell ya, he ain't! <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Look man, all you had was root beer and triple sec. :'''Frylock''': I was gonna make margaritas with that! :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Ah man, you had tequila the whole time?! Well, where the...where is it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': ''[To Meatwad]'' Tomorrow I'm getting you a new doll with a sunnier attitude! :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Hey man, while you're there, you get me that Happy-Time Dialysis Machine. :'''Frylock''': Dialysis? :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Yeah. I had half my liver removed and I'm not supposed to drink, but...I do. <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Go ahead, man. Let's do this thing. :'''Master Shake''': I told you I'd do it, I'm gonna do it now. Hey Meatwad, look at this! ''[With Shake turned away, Harry pours gasoline over himself]'' Come to the window! Big time fun... you know what I mean? :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Okay dude, I just did all the prep work, now let's get it on! DO IT! :'''Master Shake''': Well.. shoot... I mean I was just going to sort of blow your jaw off with a firecracker or something.. I wasn't gonna.. I think I need to go pray. :''[Cut to Meatwad's room]'' :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Yo, that milkshake's got no guts, man. :'''Meatwad:''' You know, Happy-Time...Just being around you kinda makes me wanna die... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jiggle Billy:''' So... ''[dances]'' we jigglin' or- :'''Happy-Time Harry:''' Hey! Backwoods retard. Not now, not ever! :'''Jiggle Billy:''' Okay! Naptime! ''[dances]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry:''' You know, sometimes I like to take this knife and just...cut myself. ''[Chuckles]'' See how hard I can do it before I just...pass out, man. :'''Jiggle Billy:''' Shoo...well, uhh...commence the jigglin' y'all! <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Hey, check it out, man. You know why you came in that box, right? That's 'cause someone put you there...to die. :'''Jiggle Billy''': That ain't true now. I...I got me these night-vision goggles ''[Puts the goggles on]'' :'''Happy-Time Harry''': ''[Knocks the goggles off]'' For what? You're a hillbilly! You don't even know who you are, do you? Look at you, you're a clown. You're a joke. :'''Jiggle Billy''': ''[Pathetically]'' I don't know why I have these goggles. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock:''' You’re gonna chuck him off a cliff? Shake, we could have chucked him off the roof and stayed at home. :'''Master Shake:''' No, This is a magic cliff here, like in The [[w:Highlander_(film)|Highlander]]. So, you will become The Highlander, and you’ll roam the earth forever, trying to kill yourself, but you wouldn’t be able to, because you’ll be…immortal. Won’t that suck, little man? [laughs] :'''Meatwad:''' Well actually, That sounds kinda cool. :'''Master Shake:''' Yeah, it does. :'''Meatwad:''' Then I’m gonna do it. :'''Master Shake:''' NO, YOU’RE NOT! I’m doing it! :'''Frylock:''' Shake, Wait! The Highlander was just a movie. I mean :'''Master Shake:''' Oh Frylock, The Highlander was a documentary, and the events happen in real time. :'''Meatwad:''' So, this cliff is magic? :'''Master Shake:''' Oh yeah, Big time. :'''Meatwad:''' I’m doing it now. :'''Happy-Time Harry''': No man, Look you gotta be born a Highlander, You can’t just…become one. :'''Frylock:''' See, he saw the movie too. :'''Meatwad:''' You know, that’s right. :'''Master Shake:''' I know, I saw cliffs, Okay. And there’s lots of magic everywhere…And Mel Gibson. :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Uhh, [[w:Braveheart|Braveheart]]? Hello? :'''Master Shake:''' Oh, You think you’re the expert? Lets see how much your ass know about FLYING! [throws Happy-Time off a cliff.] Yeah! that’s what I’m talking about. :'''Frylock:''' You done? Because that took forever... :'''Master Shake:''' I am-Well I am foreverrr.....I AM IMMORTAL!!! :'''Frylock:''' Shake, No! ''[Master Shake jumps off the cliff, his straw clinging to a branch]'' :'''Master Shake:''' Damn branch…Wait! I'm not immortal here, Okay? :'''Frylock:''' Hang on Shake, we'll call for help! :'''Meatwad:''' No, tell him to let go. :'''Master Shake:''' Yeah, Hurry! I think that the branch will hold for... ''[branch breaks]'' IT'S NOT HOLDING!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': (Floating in the pool with Meatwad) So, I guess the Highlander comes out of traction today. :'''Meatwad''': Well, I hoped they fixed his eyes. They got messed up pretty bad in that fall. :'''Frylock''': Well, the doctors gave him some hard plastic replacements, So don't stare at them, Okay? He’s real self conscious about it. :'''Meatwad:''' Okay. :'''Shake''': (comes in on wheelchair with large eyes) Alas, I return. :'''Frylock''': Oh! There you are! :'''Master Shake:''' Where are you? :'''Meatwad''': Dang! What happened to your eyes?! They look weird. :'''Frylock''': Shhh! :'''Shake''': Oh, shut up! “There can be, only one!” (Lifts up a sword and lightning strikes it, and then he drops it and falls out of the chair and is set on fire). :'''Meatwad''': We grillin' tonight. ===Bad Replicant=== :''[Dr. Weird is hanging upside-down.]'' :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen! Chop off my head with such velocity that my blood will rocket through my neck, and propel my lifeless body, all the way to Phoenix! :'''Steve''': Wow. Uh, what's in Phoenix? :'''Dr. Weird''': Why, it's your mama, Steve! Get the axe! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Look at it [the Earth] out there. Orbiting like it's so cool. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Look at him and tell me there's a God. :'''Meatwad''': He made me in His own image. :'''Master Shake''': Oh, yeah, God's a big meatball, I forgot. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha. :'''Meatwad''': He is. :'''Master Shake''': Does he stink like you do? <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, that's right. And he ain't my best friend, neither. He yells at me and scares me and locks me in the attic, and pours liquid on my head that stink, and freeze me with the fire extinguisher, and a whole bunch of other stuff I can't remember 'cause he shocked me in the head with a car battery. ''[pause]'' With a bunch of clamps, and sparks, and ... <hr width=50%/> :'''Emory''': Yeah, hey Oglethorpe, do you remember this guy [Shake]? :'''Oglethorpe''': I'm starting to. :'''Emory''': And how annoying he was. :'''Oglethorpe''': Yes, and how he scoffed at our magazines! :'''Emory''': So, uh, what were we gonna do with him? :'''Ogletorpe''': ...We shall use him for the armies ... of the night! :'''Emory''': But I thought the guy down there was going to build an army ... of the night. :'''Oglethorpe''': Different army dorkface! This army will take over the rest of the galaxy! You see how my mind works? It's like a laser! :'''Shake''': You know, I know you from somewere. :'''Oglethorpe''': He must not know who we are. Quick, paint the Mind Room! :'''Emory''': Uh, I'm still not done with the trim on that. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Oh, you're ki — Meatwad, it's not polite to stare. :'''Meatwad''': But, look at him. :'''Major Shake''': No, it's okay, I know. I'm totally, hideous. :'''Meatwad''': No i-it's cool, I was just wondering if that jambox worked, you know. Shake threw mine in a cobra cage, and dared me to go get it, and that's why I'm all puffy back here. <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, well son of a … imprison him within the rings! :''[Disco light rings come down around Shake.]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': You'll never move from that spot again, unless you like being cut in half! :''[The phone rings. Shake reaches through the rings to answer it.]'' :'''Master Shake''': Yelloo? :'''Oglethorpe''': The laser rings! :'''Master Shake''': Look, brother, these ain't nothin but disco lights. :'''Emory''': No, the installer said that they were imprison laser rings, and I, I believed him. :'''Oglethorpe''': Don't listen to him, for he is a witch! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Look, look, settle down, can you just maybe try and replicate some other people, and get an army going and then take over the entire planet. :'''Emory''': Or is that not possible. :'''Major Shake''': Well I don't know, I don't think I can replicate others, was that your plan? :'''Oglethorpe''': Well, one of them. We have many plans. :'''Major Shake''': Well maybe your next plan should be to tell me what the plan is. :'''Oglethorpe''': Look, settle down. It's all cool. :'''Major Shake''': No. No. Look at me dude. I'm a leaky, disgusting, abomination and I'm not going to do it anymore. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Did they not see us sitting here? :'''Major Shake''': No, I'm sure it'll come to them. :''(On the ship)'' :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, damn it! :'''Emory''': What? :'''Oglethorpe''': That was that man, the fry-man! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': So, is he like replicating it? :'''Frylock''': No, he's hotwiring it. :'''Meatwad''': Oh, shoot I was hoping I'd learn something. Science is a mystery to man, isn't it Frylock? :'''Frylock''': Yeah it sure is Meatwad... :'''Meatwad''': Like how we all evolved from the ancient dinosaur. I wish I had some of their stuff boy. Like them tail. Them tails that make 'em fly. :'''Frylock''': Shut up, Damn! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': So, did they, um … ever find your car? :'''Carl''': Oh, they found part of it, you know, hang'n from a trestle near the turnpike. Yeah the cops said he had a … a "straw-like protrusion" and a "cup-like body." You know anybody like 'at? :'''Frylock''': Uh, well, it wasn't Shake, Carl. He was abducted by aliens earlier this afternoon. :'''Carl''': Oh, I knew that. Yeah, of course. :'''Frylock''': He was … seriously. :'''Carl''': I hate you! <hr width=50%/> :'''Emory''': So, what are we gonna do with the prisoner? :'''Oglethorpe''': We shall ask the mighty Orbnauticus. :''[A disco ball comes down from the ceiling.]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': Orbnauticus, we seek wisdom. To what evil purpose shall we put our slave to use? <hr width+50%/> ===Circus=== :'''Shake''': Meatwad, get in this bag! :'''Frylock''': What?! :'''Shake''': What? I got airholes... it's a joke, it'a joke, ha ha, don't get in that bag, you little meat. :''[cut to Shake and Meatwad in an alley]'' :'''Shake''': Now you stay in that bag! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': So is this where the camp is? :'''Shake''': Yes, now gimme a hug. But, keep the bag on, okay? :'''Meatwad''': Smells like vomit. :'''Shake''': Shut up! The counselor is about the counsel you, and he will send you right back home if you talk and you'll never learn RAM! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Okay Shake, see you in a week. :'''Shake''': Yeah, I'll see you in a week. In hell! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Hey Randy, I don't know what's going on, but can I trade bunks? 'Cause my roommate's...wha- are those his organs? :'''Randy''': Oh that's Inside-Out Boy. His mouth is in his belly, so he's gotta slap at his vocal chords with his bladder in order to make words. :'''Meatwad''': ...I-I-I don't like this camp. Can I go home now? :'''Randy''': GROW INTO A MOUNTAIN DAMNIT! Terrify me! :'''Meatwad''': Now see, I don't do that but I can do this (turns into a hotdog) and this. (turns into a igloo) Ta-da! :'''Randy''': Ripped off again. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Hey, where's Meat Mountain there? :'''Frylock''': You mean Meatwad. :'''Carl''': Oh no, they were callin' 'im Meat Mountain last night. :'''Shake''': Okay, I'm gonna go. :'''Frylock''': You're not going anywhere Shake. :'''Carl''': Yeah, ya gotta come check this out man. Igloo, hot dog, igloo, that bit. But the whole time the stripper's shakin' it in front of 'im. :'''Frylock''': My goodness! Where was this?! :'''Carl''': The warehouse in front of Girls For You, you know, the lingerie modeling place. :'''Frylock''': Uh, no, I don't know Carl. :'''Carl''': Well-ell, twenty bucks, twenty minutes. I'm tellin' ya, one Friday night, you and me Fry-man, blow the lid off the joint! Yeah-heh! :'''Frylock''': I don't think so Carl. :'''Carl''': What, you gay? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': You sold Meatwad to the circus, didn't you?! :'''Shake''': Every day I buy and sell people like you! But no, I did not do that. But based on what I'm hearing here, someone may have. :'''Frylock''': How much, Shake? :'''Shake''': Two. :'''Frylock''': Two? Two what? :'''Shake''': Two dollars. What? What's wrong with that? :''[cut to Shake, Frylock, and Carl at the circus, where Shake sees the price of admission]'' :'''Shake''': Two dollars and fifty cents! Are they out of their minds?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Look, I don't work my ass off for twenty hours a week so I can throw my money away, that's wasteful! These bills are strictly for me to kiss...and slip in some stripper's underwear, so come on! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Wow, the crowd is really getting off on this. :'''Carl''': Well, that's great. I'm so happy for 'em. Where are the strippers?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Yeah, you the supervisor? Where were the strippers? :'''Randy''': Didn't need 'em. Meat Mountain pulls in the crowd all by himself. :'''Carl''': Well you give me back my $2.50, 'cause I ain't payin' for something that happens every day on the hood of my car! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Randy, he ''[Shake]'' ain't from space. :'''Randy''': Yeah, I know little guy, cause I'm the prince of Jupiter. :'''Meatwad''': You never told me that. :'''Randy''': See, years ago my dad sent me down here to conquer your species by ''infiltrating'' your gene pool, know what I mean? ''[chuckles]'' Know what I mean? :'''Meatwad''': No :'''Randy''': Well...when a man and woman love each other...physically...outside of a bar. :'''Meatwad''': Which bar? <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Listen to me Randy, it doesn't matter if you're white, or black, or a sasquatch even. As long as you follow your dreams, no matter how crazy or against the law it is. Except for sasquatch, if you're a sasquatch the rules are different. :'''Randy''': Forget it Meatwad, I'm a circus freak, and that's all I'll ever be. :'''Meatwad''': ...Whatever. <hr width=50%/> :''[Shake comes disguised As Meatwad]'' :'''Shake''': Hey, look at me! I'm stupid as hell, I can't even breathe properly, let alone read! What's that? :'''Randy''': And now.. the Amazing Arctic Igloo! :'''Shake''': What?! :'''Frylock''': Yeah, turn into that Igloo! :'''Carl''': Take your top off!! :'''Frylock''': Carl... :'''Randy''': Yeah..so..where is that, Milkshake? :'''Shake''': Well I uh.. ''(takes off his costume and shows it's really him in disguise with hair under his eyes)'' Look it's the Amazing Milkshake with the Bearded Eyes!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': And I'll tell you something else Frylock, I did not see one computer in that whole camp. :'''Frylock''': Yeah, yeah. Say, have you noticed that Indian burial ground that's coming up through our drain again? :'''Meatwad''': Nah, that's Inside-out Boy. He just needs a place to stay for a few days. :'''Shake''': Whoo, I just ate a whole bathtub full of cherry cobbler. It was delicious. :'''Meatwad''': ...You're joking, right? :'''Shake''': No, I'm not. :'''Meatwad''': ...NOOOOOOOOO!!! <hr width+50%/> ===Love Mummy=== <hr width=50%/> :''[Mummy is yelling in the basement]'' :'''Frylock''': Shake? ''[Yelling Continues]'' Shake! Turn those damn monster movies down-- ''[Notices nobody in the living room]'' Shake? :''[Master Shake and Meatwad enter living room]'' :'''Master Shake''': Who's watching my TV? Because I... :'''Meatwad''': I bought the damn TV! :'''Frylock''': Will you two shut up and listen? ''[Yelling Continues]'' It sounds like it's coming from the floor. :'''Master Shake''': ''[beats the floor with a broomstick]'' Will you SHUT UP?! You hear me?! It's three o'clock in the morning and I need to sleep! ''[Frylock knocks him out with chloroform]'' :'''Meatwad''': Hey, can I have some of that? :'''Frylock''': Just go to sleep and we'll deal with it in the morning. :'''Meatwad''': Yeah sure, I'll just go to sleep and tomorrow morning I'm gonna call me a social worker. ''[Frylock prepares a dose of chloroform]'' And tell him I'm in unfit living conditions and the city will be over here so fast tha-- oh. ''[Knocked out by chloroform]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': No, here's a better idea: Hell no. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Why does he get a lobster? :'''Frylock''': 'Cause he's the mummy, damn it! Now shut up! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Do you know what time it is, huh? It's 2:30 in the afternoon, and people are trying to sleep. ''[Notices the mummy]'' Whose mummy? :'''Frylock''': I found it in the crawlspace. :'''Master Shake''': So you were the one doing all the moaning when I was trying to sleep, huh? :''[Mummy giggles]'' :'''Master Shake''': Shake, you don't wanna piss him off. He has the power to curse you. :'''Meatwad''': Do it, Shake. Piss him off. :'''Master Shake''': I'll do what I want, when I want, and how I want, and no mummy— you hear me, Band-Aid... :'''Meatwad''': Here it comes. :'''Master Shake''': No mummy is gonna tell me what to do. :'''Mummy''': Curse! Curse! CURSE! :'''Meatwad''': Oh, damn. :'''Master Shake''': You done? We all done... :'''Mummy''': CURSE! :'''Master Shake''': Now are you done? :'''Mummy''': Yes. :'''Master Shake''': Cause I'm done listening to you. I got a curse for you. It's called, "tomorrow morning, your ass is outta here." I'm going back to bed! :'''Mummy''': Curse. :'''Master Shake''': I heard it already! I know! It's a friggin' curse! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Shake, I think he may have cursed you. :'''Master Shake''': ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, je-ya think? Cuz, I mean, he only said it about a thousand times! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': (reading) "The curse of the mummy is just a figure of speech. Vomiting locusts for a thousand years is just an old wives tale. The ''real'' curse of the mummy is that he is completely socially inept, devoid of all manners, gold-digging, manipulative, and a selfish brat. Don't ever wake him unless you have a lot of time and money on your hands. Thank you for buying ''Mummies for Dummies''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': ''[Wearing the Mummy's Hat]'' I'm the King! King Carl! :'''Mummy''': ''[Yelling in the Background]'' :'''Carl''': ''[Mimicing Egyptian Music]'' Da da da da daaa, you know I'm your ruler! :'''Mummy''': CURSE! CUUURSE! :'''Carl''': Huh hun huh hee, yeah ''[Mummy continuing to yell]'' SHUT UP! <hr width+50%/> ===Dumber Days=== :'''Meatwad''': Shoot, I'm so dumb as hell I'll never get hired in today's fast-paced world. I'm just gonna go inside and wait for my body to die. :'''Schoolly D''': ''[Narrating]'' Aw, c'mon Meatwad, you can't be that dumb. :''[Pan to Meatwad inside Carl's bedroom]'' :'''Meatwad''': What, is this not my room? :'''Carl''': What do you think? :'''Meatwad''': ......Yes? :''[Carl throws Meatwad out the window]'' :'''Schoolly D''': Well, damn. Maybe Meatwad ''is'' that dumb. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Wait a second. This ain't no brain, this is a damn bee's nest. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': A book?! No sir! Shake says that books is from the devil, and that TV is twice as fast. :'''Frylock''': Twice as fast at what? :'''Meatwad''': Information. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[Reading from ''"The Tiniest Bullfrog"'']'' Jeremy the Bullfrog lived in a tiny swamp on the edge of town. Every day he would dream of playing professional basketball. But he lived in a swamp, far away from the city lights and a major market team. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': One look at Niels Bohr's atomic model makes it abundantly clear that there is a way to pass through solid matter. So in summation, we can have our daily tea-party in the fifth dimension. :'''Frylock''': Knock-knock. Well, I hope I'm--OH MY GOD! :''[Meatwad is about 10-15 times his usual size]'' :'''Meatwad''': Frylock, what a pleasant surprise. I'm just finishing up my symposium. You've met my colleagues, Professor Vanessa and Dr. Dewey. :'''Frylock''': Yeah, what happened to your body, man?! :'''Meatwad''': Well, it's obvious, isn't it? Thermal expansion. :'''Frylock''': No, it's not thermal expansion. I know what thermal expansion is. :'''Meatwad''': Okay, fine, I'm sure that you do. Let's see.. how can I explain this without blowing your mind. :'''Frylock''': Oh yes, please. Dumb it down for me. :'''Meatwad''': Heisenburg's Uncertainty Principle tells us that at a specific curvature of space, knowledge can be transferred into energy-- :'''Frylock''': Heisenburg's Uncertainty--! :'''Meatwad''': ...and this is key now...matter. :'''Frylock''': No it does not! :'''Meatwad''': Well, some people struggle with Heisenburg. ''[pulls out a yo-yo]'' Look, here's a toy. It goes up and down on a string. Doesn't that look like fun? :'''Frylock''': ''[knocks yo-yo away]'' Get that out of my face! :'''Meatwad''': Why don't you take that into the other room while the adults are doing important research here. :'''Frylock''': Oh, I'm sorry Professor! I didn't realize knowledge could also transform you into an arrogant ass! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[levitating a boy in a car with his mind]'' Quiet! I need complete concentration or the child will die. <hr width=50%/> :''[Carl's car crashes on his roof]'' :'''Carl''': Ohh, do not tell me that that is my car up there on the roof! :'''Meatwad''': Okay, we won't. :'''Carl''': Get it down! :'''Meatwad''': Okay. :'''Carl''': Wait, wait no don't! ''[car crashes to the ground]'' DAMMIT! ===Interfection=== <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr Weird''': ''(his head has shrunk and speaking in a high pitch voice)'' GENTLEMEN! TURN IT ON! :'''Steve''': Okay. ''(pushes a button to pump Dr Weird's head)'' :'''Dr Weird''' ''(head gets bigger and bigger)'' ''TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Plaque is a figment of the liberal media and the dental industry to scare you into buying useless appliances and pastes. Now, I've read the arguments on both sides, and I haven't found any evidence yet to support the need to brush your teeth. ''Ever.'' :'''Meatwad''': I don't know how you'd know; you ain't got no teeth. :'''Master Shake''': Well, I got rid of my teeth at a young age, because...I'm straight. Teeth are for gay people. That's why fairies come and get 'em. :'''Meatwad''': If teeth make me gay then sign me up, 'cause I wish I had 'em. <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': Computer, search for teeth and plaque conspiracy ''(pause),'' and Metallica. :'''Meatwad''': And Justin Timberlake. ''[Shake ignores him]'' Do a search for Justin Timberlake. ''[Shake continues to ignore him]'' ... J-U-S-- :'''Shake''': Please hush up. The search needs complete silence to work. :'''Meatwad''': Oh shoot, I forgot. I'm sorry. :'''Master Shake''': Well, I'm sorry, but if ''you'' can't learn that little lesson, then someone's going to get their little mouth stabbed shut with skewers! And then we'll see how easily the axe slices through the meat! :''[Meatwad's eyes get big, then he starts bawling.]'' :'''Master Shake''': All right, okay. Maybe that was a little huge. Listen, I would never hit you with an axe... :''[Meatwad's sobs subside as he pauses for a second and looks up at Master Shake]'' :'''Master Shake''': ...when you had skewers stabbed through your mouth. :''[Meatwad immediately resumes crying.]'' :'''Master Shake''': I would think one or the other would be enough. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': All right! Five point nine percent over APR! You don't get that every day! :'''Master Shake''': Are you kidding?! With APR like that I could just die! <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that I was in the Supreme frickin' Court here! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah. Neither did I. :'''Shake''': Should I have my lawyer present for my frickin' trial?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Is it hot, girl-on-girl action? <hr width=50%/> :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': It's so easy to use, and the surgery to implant it in the base of your skull is so painless, it's no wonder I'm #1! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': [appears on a monitor] Hello there, Internet Cyberville. Hey, if your watching this right now, I'm running outta oxygen and I seriously need to get to my bathroom, WHICH IS CURRENTLY BEING BLOCKED BY SOME STUPID ASS HIT-THE-MONKEY THING! [pop-up falls on Carl's fingers cutting them] Oh god! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Hey listen, could you get me some chicks that ''don't'' have the ZZ Top Lumberjack look? If I wanted to date Sasquatch, I'd call your mother. Ha-ha! <hr width=50%/> :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': But the skull implant comes in this decorative tin. :'''Frylock''': Decorate ''this!'' ''[uses eye lasers to blow up pop-up ad for the tin]'' :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': Okay, okay, okay, okay! Fine! Fine. Don't use our service. Get left in the digital dust! But remember, you could have won a Porsche. <hr width=50%/> :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': And after this 90-day trial, you will be judged and sentenced to a lifetime of interactive sports, news, and information. And we will continue to draw from your account, because banks don't care. It's not their money. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': I'm tired of livin' in this tree, now. How long till we gonna go home? :'''Frylock''': Two more weeks. :'''Meatwad''': TWO MORE WEEKS?! :'''Frylock''': Shut up and eat your squirrel meat! :'''Shake''': Squirrel meat, bleh. :''[Pop up ads begin to appear as the Wwwyzzerdd cackles in the background]'' :'''Shake''': What? I got wireless. ''[Hits an ad]'' What? ===PDA=== :'''Shake''': Someone stole my PDA, and I will ruin this house with my anger! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': Look Shake, people usually get a PDA when they have a job, and friends, and a life! :'''Shake''': Look, you, you, you happen to have no idea what I do for a living do you? :'''Frylock''': You're damn right I don't! I saw you boil a hot dog today. Did you get paid for that?! :'''Shake''': Because I don't have access to my scheduling book, because my PDA's gone! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': Wha, oh come on! We're lookin' for my thing, together, we're like buds, it's cool. Hey, you fly. You go, why don't you go check the gutters. :'''Frylock''': But, why would it be up in the gutters, Shake? :'''Shake''': That's where your DVD burner ended up, when it decided not to work. :'''Frylock''': Oh, I ''damn'' sure better not find that up there! :'''Master Shake''': Well, that's the last place I remember chucking it. :''[Frylock flies to the roof.]'' :'''Frylock''': ''[yelling]'' Hey! Dammit! You did throw my DVD burner up here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': I have some parents, Frylock? :'''Frylock''': Hell no, you don't have any damn parents! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': This is your captain speaking and welcome to the glass-bottom boat ride at the world famous Trenton Tar Pits. I just wanna let you all know I'm a convicted sex offender. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Tar, well, I tell ya if I wanna smell like a shingle, I go get my frisbee and my tanktop and my [[w:Captain EO|Captain EO]] out of the gutter. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': There ain't nothin' down here but tar and a condom wrapper! This is gross! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': All right, and I'm back, ladies and gentlemen. They won't be bothering us anymore. I chased them off with my nudity...does that arouse anyone down there, or... :'''Meatwad''': What does that mean? :'''Frylock''': It means that we're gonna get off this boat right now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': Okay, and we've docked...and I feel a little sexy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': Who down there wants to meet the captain? And feel sexy with him. :'''Meatwad''': Oooh, I do, I wanna meet the captain! :'''Frylock''': No, you don't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': Ah, jee whiz! This is the greatest gift I ever got in my life that I never wanted ever! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Romulox''': Oh, I didn't see your knock-offs there, nice. Are you goin' for the ironic look, or the look-I-don't-have-any-money look? :'''Shake''': I don't know, which one would you do? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': What's wrong with your elbow? :'''Romulox''': Oh, you didn't get that surgery. I'm sorry. :'''Meatwad''': We don't have insurance. :'''Romulox''': Only two people have the easy-flow elbow, and one of them happens to be named [[w:Bruce Willis|Bruce Willis]]. <hr width+50%/> ===Mail Order Bride=== :'''Frylock''': Santa's coming tonight Meatwad, so I really need your Christmas list— :'''Meatwad''': Here. :'''Frylock''': …and if you've been a good boy this year, you may just get this…this L-shaped thing. :'''Meatwad''': No, see, what that is, is a hair dryer. :'''Frylock''': You want a hair dryer? :'''Meatwad''': Yeah. :'''Frylock''': For what? You don't have any- :'''Meatwad''': Keep reading, next to the hair dryer. :'''Frylock''': This—this is a squiggle. :'''Meatwad''': No, that's hair. You read it backwards, fool. So go get it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Oh, man. I cannot wait. I got the oils, the candles, the works! When does that babe get here? :'''Master Shake''': Carl, don't refer to her as a "babe", please. She is a Chechnyan prostitute, and you will address her as such. :'''Carl''': Look, just don't cash that check immediately. I wanna make sure that both of us marryin' her is gonna be, you know, legal. :'''Master Shake''': Of course it is! What are you kidding me? Santa Claus ain't legal and he's around. :'''Carl''': Well, I guess that makes sense, you know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': Look merry, dammit! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Shoo, that sure was a good sleep I had. WHERE ARE THE DAMN PRESENTS?! :'''Frylock''': It's 4:00 in the afternoon Meatwad, that wasn't Santa. :'''Meatwad''': Well, you know, maybe Santa's just gettin' a jump start on things this year. 'Cause, you know, statistics they show that there are more people in the world today. That's China's fault. :'''Frylock''': Where do you get this information? :'''Meatwad''': Regis. <hr width="50%"/> :''[on a ladder]'' :'''Carl''': Look, would you just hold it with your hands?! :'''Master Shake''': I can do two things at the same time, chubby. :'''Carl''': No, ya can't! :'''Master Shake''': ''[reading a magazine to himself]'' Huey Lewis making a comeback! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Carl has broken his neck.]'' :'''Carl''': Hey, get back here! I think I need some help here! :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, I know you do. :''[Master Shake walks away.]'' :'''Carl''': Get back here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': Well, there ain't gonna be no dinner this year. :'''Frylock''': What about your girlfriend. I thought she was gonna cook. :'''Master Shake''': "Co-fiancee." Let's get it right, please. :'''Frylock''': "Co-"? :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, you know, I'll split her with Carl. So he's "co-owner." :'''Frylock''': You're depraved. :'''Master Shake''': Yes, thank you, I think she sees that quality in me. But that damn Carl is so Selfish. :'''Meatwad''': Carl should remember the reason for the season. :'''Master Shake''': The reason for the season is pleasin and I ain't gettin much pleasin and Carl better get his ass with the program. :'''Carl''': Get with what program, Cup? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Hey fry-man, you think I can get you to come over here and uh, blow a frickin' hole in my wall? :'''Frylock''': What's wrong, Carl? :'''Carl''': Well, for starters, she's barricaded herself inside the house. And every time she talks to me, it's in this, like, language. It's like some demon yelling at me, or something! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Schoolly D''': Santa Claus got barbeque sauce in his drawers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Okay, I'm awake. Let's, uh, friggin go get married. :'''Meatwad''': Oh Good! :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, brotha! :'''Carl''': Let's get married, yeah! :''[at Carl's house]'' :'''Frylock''': And do you, Svetlana... what does this say? :'''Carl''': Look, just say Smith or Jones or something... there's no way you can pronounce that right. :'''Frylock''': Svetlana Smith take Carl... :'''Carl''': Just say Smith again, it don't matter... none of this matters. :'''Frylock''': ...Smith to be your lawfully wedded husband... :'''Master Shake''': Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! :'''Frylock''': ...to honor... :'''Master Shake''': Back up! Rewind! :'''Frylock''': ...take Carl, and Master Shake... :'''Master Shake''': That's more like it. :'''Frylock''': to be your lawfully wedded husbands as long as you three shall live. :'''Svetlana''': ''[speaking Russian, from inside Carl's house]'' :'''Carl''': Alright, yeah! :'''Master Shake''': Alright, score! :'''Carl''': Sweet nectar! :'''Frylock''': Okay, now shove the ring under the door. :'''Master Shake''': No, we're not doing the ring, I'm not gettin' roped into all that. :'''Frylock''': How can you not have a ring? :'''Master Shake''': No, it ends here. I haven't seen food once since she's shown up. :'''Carl''': He's right, let's do this thing - light this candle. :'''Frylock''': By the power invested in me by the state of New Jersey I now pronounce you men and wife. You may now kiss the door. :'''Master Shake''': Blow it open Frylock. :'''Carl''': Do it! :'''Svetlana''': [speaking Russian; escapes] :'''Carl''': Svetlana, baby? :'''Master Shake''': Great! Great! :'''Carl''': Oh Man! She got the car. :'''Meatwad''': Well technically, it's half hers now, right? Or a third, I don't know. :'''George''': Introducing the new Misters and Mrs. Bertwoski! :'''Carl''': It's Brutananadilewski! And you get the hell out of here! :'''Master Shake''': No way, you are staying! We got him til two. <hr width+50%/> ===Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future=== :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Now in the future, the past has occurred. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': You're the Ghost of Christmas Past...right? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': That is correct. :'''Carl''': Okay, well...I mean, you know that it's February...right? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[pause]'' I am a robot. :'''Carl''': Well, you know, obviously. What are you, stupid? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[stutters]'' I will see you in December, tomorrow! :'''Carl''': Okay, whatever there, just lock your door on the way- :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[breaks through the wall]'' Do what? :'''Carl''': Nevermind, just leave! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Flashback to Carl's house on Christmas in the 1960s]'' :'''Carl''':''[opening his present]'' Oh boy oh boy oh boy I hope this is a new mommy! :'''Carl's Dad''': Yeah, it's not. Hurry up and open it, ya little creep, we gotta be at work in an hour. :'''Carl''': What is this, is this carpet, daddy? :'''Carl's Dad''': Carpet? No. That's [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Berber_carpet berber], its an industry term. :'''Carl''': Hey, look it's a magic flyin' carpet! Look at me, I'm flyin' around in Egyptland! :'''Carl's Dad''':''[cuts Carl off]'' Yeah, that's cute. Don't get too attached there, Aladdin, 'cause its about to be magic flyin' dinner. :'''Carl''':''[looking worried]'' Y-you can't eat carpet... Silly Daddy. :'''Carl's Dad''': Hehe, not like that you can't. You gotta boil it, till the glue gets soft.:''[looks at his watch]'' Oh jeez, look at the time! :'''Carl''': But it's Christmas, Daddy! :'''Carl's Dad''': You're not getting out of this one! Put on your work boots and your respirator! I pulled ''A LOT'' of strings to get them to hire an 8 year old. :'''Carl''':''[Muttering to himself]'' Don't make me go, I don't wanna make insulation... :'''Carl's Dad''': ''C'MON, WE'RE LATE!!!!'' :'''Carl''': OH GOD! :''[Robot appears and lasers shoot everywhere]'' :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': You remember that Christmas, don't you? :'''Carl''': Yeah, well, you know, I remember eating carpet. Not so much the, uh, lasers and the robots. <hr width=50%/> :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': And that is where babies come from … for machines. :'''Meatwad''': Boy, that's some story. That...kinda is different from what I been told about people loving each other...and, you know, physically... :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': No! That is very wrong! You cling to your pathetic fable of fluid exchange. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': (after finding his swimming pool filled with blood) It looks like someone wrung a herd of cows through a juicer or something! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Wait, wait...who unionized? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Wouldn't you like to know? Probably yo mama. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Man, it makes me sad they had to open their gifts in front of an ape and they were all made out of doodoo. What kinda Christmas is that?! :'''Frylock''': It's okay Meatwad. This is all a bunch of bull. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': You don't believe? :'''Frylock''': Believe what? That you're a ghost and Santa Claus is an ape? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever- :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''Was'' an ape. Now he is a machine! :'''Meatwad''': I left cookies and a glass of milk FOR A MACHINE?!! :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': No man, he's an ape. ''[They look at him questioningly]'' I mean, wait he is a machine! You were trying to mess me up on purpose! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': But I thought everyone back then was undeveloped? Couldn't make machines with their crinkled hands. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Well the elves came from the red planet, and there was much defecation. :'''Frylock''': Yeah, yeah, you mentioned that. How long ago did you say this was? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[Fog rolls in]'' Thousands of years ago- :'''Frylock''': Oh shut up! You still haven't explained why the pool is filled with elf blood! :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': I told you earlier, it was the Great Circuiting. :'''Frylock''': You didn't mention no "Great Circuiting". :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Oh, I didn't? ''[pause]'' Thousands of years ago... <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': I hate to be a buzz kill, but he said that your house is on elf graves and they're pissed off. :'''Carl''': All right, fine, we'll do that. :'''Meatwad''': And the blood's just gonna keep flowing, unless …. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Unless Carl pays tribute to the Elfin Elders in space. :'''Carl''': I'll do it. What do I do? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': You must give up yourself to the Great Red Ape. :'''Carl''': Okay … how much? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Sexually. :'''Carl''': … wonderful. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': What did you say your name was again? :'''Glenn Danzig''': Danzig, mother fucker! I got a question: can you make the blood flow up the walls? :'''Carl''': Lemme go talk to my blood guy over here. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': I don't see why not. :'''Carl''': That's elf blood, too. That ain't cheap-- :'''Glenn Danzig''': How much you want? :'''Carl''': Oh, I dunno...a million? :'''Glenn Danzig''': Killer. Draft the check tomorrow. :'''Carl''': You're serious--THANK YOU GOD!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Glenn Danzig''': Now look, you listen to me as hard as you fucking can. That fucking robot came with the fuckin' house, and now he's fucking gone! If you see that mother-- :'''Master Shake''': Oh, don't worry, we'll tell you! :'''Glenn Danzig''': You fucking better. If I find out he's over here, I'm gonna be eating my cereal out of the bottom of your fuckin' skull! Verstandlich?!! ''[Glenn walks away]'' :'''Master Shake''': Ok. So... thank you :'''Meatwad''': ''[To Cybernetic Ghost]'' Hey you come out now. He's gone. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': (about Danzig) I cannot live with that guy. He is ''so'' annoying, he is ''so'' frightening, and he doesn't wear a shirt. :'''Master Shake''': You make our house bleed right now! ==External links== {{wikipedia|Aqua Teen Hunger Force (season 1)|Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 1)}} *[http://video.adultswim.com/aqua-teen-hunger-force/ ''Aqua Teen Hunger Force''] at Adult Swim *{{imdb title||Aqua Teen Hunger Force}} [[Category:Aqua Teen Hunger Force seasons]] {| class="wikitable" border="1" style="width:100%; text-align: center;" | width="30%" | <small>N/A</small> | width="30%" | '''''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]'' [[w:List of Aqua Teen Hunger Force episodes|seasons]]''' | width="30%" | Succeeded by<br>'''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 2)|Season 2]]''' |} {{Adult Swim}} ml62jwoi798q66v467o6biivn9lgd52 3157857 3157856 2022-08-25T15:34:42Z 45.5.116.93 /* Ol' Drippy */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 1)|1]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 2)|2]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 3)|3]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 4)|4]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 5)|5]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 6)|6]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 7)|7]] | [[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1]] | [[Aqua Something You Know Whatever]] | [[Aqua TV Show Show]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force|'''Main''']] ---- <br> '''''[[w:Aqua Teen Hunger Force|Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''''', (also known by various [[w:Aqua Teen Hunger Force#Alternative titles|alternative titles]]), (2000–15) is an [[w:animated series|animated television series]] from the [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]]'s [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]] programming block. The show follows the exploits of three [[w:anthropomorphic|anthropomorphic]] fast food items: [[w:Master Shake|Master Shake]], the milkshake; [[w:Frylock|Frylock]], the carton of French fries; and [[w:Meatwad|Meatwad]], the aptly named wad of meat. ===[[w:Rabbot|Rabbot]]=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen! Vegetables have threatened man for generations. I have obtained funds to solve this vegetable nightmare! :'''Steve''': Uh, Dr. Weird — :'''Dr. Weird''': Behold... :'''Steve''': I thought that grant was for somewhat to cure diseases, and …. :'''Dr. Weird''': The grant?! What is that?! :'''Steve''': Dyuhhh …. :''' Dr. Weird''': Shut up. Behold! The Rabbot! ''[The door lifts up and reveals Dr. Weird's monstrous fifty-foot Rabbot]'' :'''Steve''': But, Dr. Weird — :'''Dr. Weird''': Now bring me my large French perfume and spray him in the eyes, because that's how it happened to me! ''[The Rabbot's face is sprayed with a giant bottle of French perfume]'' Now you feel pretty, don't you? Wa, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! ''[The Rabbot hops out the door and toward the lab wall]'' The Rabbot! My creation! ''[The Rabbot smashes through the lab wall and Steve jumps out from behind his hiding spot behind the desk.]'' :'''Dr. Weird''': What has science doooone? :''[the Rabbot hops down the street and proceeds to jump on top of Carl's car, effectively destroying it.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl:''' '''''WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FREAKIN' CAR?!''''' :'''Master Shake''': Good morning, Carl. How's it goin'? :'''Carl''': Oh yeah, good mornin' to you there, Mr. Food Monster, this is how it's goin'. Look at my frickin' car. It is crushed...to bajesus and back. :'''Master Shake''': Have you gotten any estimates? :'''Carl''': Ah, for the love of--I just found it this way. :'''Master Shake''': Carl... :'''Carl''': I just walked out here, for frickin' sake! :'''Master Shake''': Hey Carl, its okay...it's cool man, I'm a detective. Clear the crime scene and let me think...meteors did it! That'll be $20. :'''Frylock''': Hey, Carl. :'''Carl''': Great, we got the Fryman up here. :'''Master Shake''': I have not called for you, Frylock. What are you doing here? :'''Frylock''': I ''live'' here. :'''Master Shake''': Well, quit hovering. ''I'' am the leader! :'''Frylock''': Man, your car is messed up! How are you going to get to work, Carl? :'''Carl''': I work out of the home. :'''Master Shake''': Frylock, send Carl to work, then we shall solve this mystery and make $20. :'''Carl''':I work out of the home. Do not point that fry thing at me. :'''Master Shake''': Quickly, Carl, the ray is upon you. Where do you work? :'''Carl''': I done told ya, I work out of the home! Now stop with the Freak Beam! :'''Master Shake''': Send Carl to the home then! :'''Frylock''': To the home! :'''Carl''': STAY OUT OF MY POOL!! ''[Frylock beams Carl up and drops him flat on his back on his roof]'' Ow, my hip! :'''Master Shake''': Okay, that'll be $20. :'''Frylock''': So, what now, Shake? :'''Master Shake''': We shall solve the mystery from Carl's pool! :'''Carl''':: OH, NO, DON'T GOT TO MY POOL!!! :'''Master Shake''': Goin' to the bank! <hr width=50%/> :''[in Carl's pool]'' :'''Frylock''': This is a fun pool. I do like splashing. :'''Master Shake''': Yes, playing is for pleasure. We should have a pool. Make us one from the sky. I command it. :'''Frylock''': ''[sarcasm]'' Yeah, yeah, I'll do that. :'''Master Shake''': Seriously, I do command it :'''Frylock''': I wonder who killed Carl's car. :'''Master Shake''': A car cannot be "killed"! It was murdered by someone who is jealous of Carl's ability to drive. JEALOUSY is the motivation! <hr width=50%/> :'''Schooly D''': Man everybody know meat don't sleep. <hr width=50%/> :''[Meatwad is dancing, before Master Shake jumps on Meatwad's boom-box and destroys it.]'' :'''Master Shake''': Dancing is forbidden! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Where are we going? :'''Master Shake''': Shut your deformed mouth Meatwad, before I NAIL it shut! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': The scent seems to be coming from that mall :'''Master Shake''': I know! :'''Meatwad''': All right! I want some jeans! :'''Master Shake''': (pushes past him) I'M the one who wants some jeans! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': How did you get back there?! That's for salespersons only. I want to get back there. Get me back there! :''[Meatwad changes shape into a bridge over the sales counter.]'' :'''Meatwad''': Here. Take the Meat Bridge! It's right here! :'''Master Shake''': Meat Bridge? No. :''[Master Shake smashes a hole in sales counter.]'' :'''Meatwad''': Fine. Don't take the Meat Bridge. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Well, as long as we don't go back to the lab. :'''Frylock''': I need to go back to the lab. :'''Master Shake''': God! That'll take a thousand hours! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Does it LOOK like I'm OK?! Stand back, and I shall destroy him! SHAKE POWER ACTIVATE! ''[Shake huffs and puffs and excretes a glob of milkshake onto the road]]'' Now come over here and slip on it, if you dare, rabbit! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': I have called this meeting to say that downtown is no longer safe. :''[Cut to the Rabbot who is still causing havoc in the city]'' :'''Master Shake''': So, in short, we need to pick some new restaurants and night clubs. :'''Carl''': GET OUTTA MY FRICKIN' POOL! ===Escape From Leprauchpolis=== <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen! I have created... this thing! :'''Steve''': What is it? :'''Dr Weird''': I don't know. Stand over here. :'''Steve''': Uh, you mean right here? ''(gets catapulted by a rainbow into the sky)'' :'''Dr. Weird''': It WORKS! ''I am one can short of a six pack''! Wha-ha-ha-ha-ha! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[in the pool for the first time]'' Master Shake said it would dissolve me and then I would get clogged in the filter and then beavers would come and eat me. But that hasn't happened yet! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Look, I have a brain! ''(pause)'' I just took it out so it wouldn't get wet! :'''Frylock''': Yeah, man. He took his brain out. It's cool! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': All right, I'm gonna give this "Rainbow" thing another five minutes, and if it don't show up quick, then I am goin' down to the store and gettin' a hot-rod magazine, 'cause they got the chicks with the boobs in there! :'''Flargan''': ''[looking at Carl through binoculars]'' Excellent, another victim falls prey to me brilliant e-mail plan. Soon we will have enough treasure to rule all of New Jersey. :'''Merle''': Flargan, he doesn't really look like he has any money...or a job, or a wallet. :'''Flargan''': Well I...I'm sure he has some decent tennis shoes. :'''Merle''': He doesn't even have pockets. Look, he's wearing sweatpants. :'''Flargan''': Dingle, engage the rainbow machine! :'''Dingle''': Feet! :''[Dingle turns on the machine]'' :'''Carl''': Yeah, here come the gold! Aw, look at this now, I don't see crap in there. I know this game. This is how they get you. :''[He gets sucked up in the rainbow, and lands flat on his back in the forest]'' :'''Flargan''': Yes, fat man, this IS how we get you! :'''Carl''': Hey there, where's the gold there? :'''Flargan''': Flip-flops? What is this!? :'''Merle''': What did I say? No money, no job, no taste. <hr width=50%/> :'''Merle''': ''[upon seeing Master Shake and Meatwad]'' What in the hell is that?! You know this whole plan is attractin' nothin' but a bunch of goobers. :'''Flargan''': What do their shoes look like? :'''Merle''': Seems kinda stupid doing this whole thing for shoes. :'''Flargan''': It's not just for shoes! It's...it's for... :'''Merle''': It's for what? This [[w:Bananarama|Bananarama]] tape with no case? We really scored big on that one, didn't we, buddy? <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': He told me to get in the freezer 'cause there was a carnival in there. There was no carnival! It was a damn freezer! I got freezer burn and I got mushed up against a chicken. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Let's go. They don't have nothin', it's like a flea market threw up in there. :'''Meatwad''': Look, a Bananarama tape! :'''Master Shake''': That's mine! Drop it where you are! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': You don't need a machine to make a rainbow, for rainbows are made of happy thoughts, and dreams, and chocolate unicorns, and gumdrops, and licorice sunsets, and fuzzy gumdrop bears, in Sugar-Covered Chocolate Gumdrop Land. :'''Master Shake''': No way in hell. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': All right! The ''real'' rainbow! I did it! I brought happiness and joy to us all! :''[a rainbow rips Carl's house off its foundation and flings it through the air.]'' :'''Master Shake''': Wow! :'''Carl''': Oh, good. :''[Awkward silence.]'' :'''Meatwad''': Well, I gotta go...see ya later. <hr width+50%/> ===Bus of the Undead=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen, behold: Mothmonst- ''(Mothmonsterman flies off)'' Oh no! Mothmonsterman, no! Come back! :'''Steve''': He has escaped. :'''Dr. Weird''': Yes, through the hole. ''[slips and falls]'' My banana! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Good morning, Carl! :'''Carl''': Yeah, it is a good morning there little man...''it's three in the morning!!!!!!!!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Look, all I know is that this cord here was plugged into my house, and your house was glowin' like the frickin' sun! So I put two and two together there hey, and decided that you're pissin' me off. :'''Master Shake''': We are truly sorry, Carl, and it will probably never happen again. Can we have our cord back? :'''Carl''': No, no there. I'm just gonna keep it there, since it's uh, mine anyways. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mothmonsterman''': Oh, hey, where you guys been? :'''Master Shake''': Memphis. :'''Mothmonsterman''': Really?! That's awesome. How was it? :'''Master Shake''': Oh, it was very nice. They light up the bridge. We had fried catfish. :'''Meatwad''': When did you have fried catfish? <hr width=50%/> :[''Frylock, Master Shake and Meatwad return home to find Carl tied up with silk, hanging from the ceiling''] :'''Frylock''': What have you done with him? :'''Mothmonsterman''': I just laid a thousand of my eggs inside his esophagus. You know, I need to propagate my species and, he's bein' a baby about it. :'''Frylock''': You know, we have a cloner. :'''Mothmonsterman''': Seriously? :[''Inside Frylock's office, a timer dings''] :'''Frylock''': Oh, no- the cloner! :'''Master Shake''': The brownies! :'''Meatwad''': My brownies! :[''Winged monsters, made from a mix of insect and brownie DNA, burst out of Frylock's office''] :'''Master Shake''': Run! To the pool! :[''Frylock, Master Shake and Meatwad run outside''] :'''Mothmonsterman''': Wait, you have a pool? [''Brownie monsters swarm the living room''] Oh, my God- :[''Out in the backyard''] :'''Frylock''': You put a brownie in my cloning device, didn't you? :'''Master Shake''': No! Yes. I don't know. Maybe! Look, that was six weeks ago! I locked the door; let 'em just duke it out. :'''Meatwad'''': You didn't lock the door, it was out in the yard...! :[''A huge swarm of brownie monsters attacks''] ===Mayhem of the Mooninites=== :'''Ignignokt''': ''(knocks on Carl's door)'' Hello, Carl. I am Ignignokt, and this is Err. :'''Err''': I am Err! :'''Ignignokt''': We are Mooninites from the inner core of the Moon. :'''Err''': You said it right! :'''Ignignokt''': Our race is hundreds of years beyond yours. :'''Err''': Man, do you hear what he's sayin'?! :'''Ignignokt''': Some would say that the Earth is our moon. :'''Err''': We're the moon. :'''Ignignokt''': But that would belittle the name of our moon... which is the Moon. :'''Err''': The point is, we're at the center. Not you! :'''Carl''': No, the real point is: I don't give a damn! ''(slams door)'' <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Your jambox is now his by way of our actions. :'''Master Shake''': Yes, Meatwad, with actions! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Err''': Shoot him the bird! :'''Ignignokt''': Yes, give him the finger. :'''Meatwad''': The finger? Like this? ''(turns into a hot-dog)'' :'''Ignignokt''': No. Not at all like that. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Err''': We smoke as we shoot the bird! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': You and your "third dimension." :'''Frylock''': Yeah? What about it? :'''Ignignokt''': Oh, nothing. It's cute. We have five. :'''Err''': Th-thousand. :'''Ignignokt''': Yes, five thousand. :'''Err''': Don't question it! :'''Frylock''': Oh yeah? Well, I only see two. :'''Ignignokt''': Well, that sounds like a personal problem. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Frylock''': I don't think Meatwad should be hanging around with these Moon people. :'''Master Shake''': I don't think I should be playing with these medium strings. I need light gauge if I'm gonna thrash! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Using keys to gouge expletives onto another's vehicle is a sign of trust and friendship. :''[Cut to Carl standing outside his house, looking at his vandalized car.]'' :'''Carl''': ''Who did this to my frickin' car!!??'' <hr width = 50% /> :'''Carl''': So maybe you be a good person to ask who wrote ''The Moon Rulez #1'', on my car, with a key! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Carl''': ''[Effortlessly dodging the Mooninites' shot]'' Nice shot there, Brick Out. ''[Unbeknownst to Carl, the shot rebounds off his house and back towards him]'' Now I want you jokers out of this- ''[The shot hits Carl and he phases out as he is transported to the moon]'' OH GOD! MY BACK! WHOOOAAAA... <hr width = 50% /> :''[Frylock has blown up the TV with his laser vision]'' :'''Ignignokt''': What was that? :'''Err''': Whoa! Did those just come out of your eyes? :'''Ignignokt''': They're primitive :'''Err''': Damn! Those are fast, man! :'''Ignignokt''': We are not impressed :'''Err''': Hey, wasn't that cool? <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': ''[Giving Frylock the finger from space]'' I hope he can see this because I'm doing it as hard as I can. <hr width+50% /> ===Balloonenstein=== :'''Carl''': Oh, sweet, sweet nectar. It's like my pool is tearin' ass around the backyard. But it's stayin' still. Still waters run deep! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Grab my potatoes, Carl! :'''Carl''': Sure, why not? <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': The real spaghetti got wet when I was boiling it so… it’s in the dryer! :'''Meatwad''':Why didn’t you say so! It's probably dry by now, so let's go get it. ''[saying as he gets into the dryer]'' Now remember, I like it spicy! :'''Shake''': Ha ha ha! So stupid! :'''Meatwad''': Hey, wait a second! Why's it spinnin'? :'''Schoolly D''': Come on, think about it, Meatwad! It's a dryer, man! Of course it's gonna spin! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Ooh. Damn! What dimension was that? Carl, your hands! :'''Carl''': Yeah, I know, I see 'em; they're very big. Well, it was fun. I'm gonna go take a nap now and then I think I'm gonna call, uh, some hospitals. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Shake, where is my popsicle? :'''Shake''': Please, wait a second... :'''Meatwad''': I require a popsicle every 15 minutes! You obviously did not read the memo! :'''Shake''': ''This'' is your memo? (''holds up a drawing'') I don't even know what this is! :'''Meatwad''': ''(zaps Shake)'' You sicken me with your lies. :'''Shake''': I'll make you some right away! :'''Meatwad''': "Make" me some? Please do not insult what little intelligence I have. I need it ''now''. :'''Shake''': Then I'll go to the store! Please sir! :'''Meatwad''': Yes you will. Now what is the magic word, '''''bitch'''''? :'''Shake''': PLEASE, let me go to the store and get popsicles for you! Thank you sire! :'''Meatwad''': That's right. ''(releases Shake; Shake runs out the door)'' You better run, boy! And bring back some chocolate syrup, too, or your fate is sealed! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Everybody hates me 'cause they die or get hurt. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Will this hurt 'im? :'''Frylock''': It shouldn't. :'''Master Shake''': Then ''why'' are we doing it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': ''[Chasing Meatwad with pencils]'' This is for shooting me in the roof and sending me to the store making me call you sire! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Go destroy Balloonenstein! :'''Meatwad''': Do what now? :'''Frylock''': Pop the balloon with the glass! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, yeah, okay. ''[long pause]'' Do what now? :'''Frylock''': Pop him with the glass! The glass in your head! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, yeah, I know. Don't yell at me! ''[pause]'' Do what now? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Damn it, he needs his brain. Otherwise he "just gonna float around forever sayin' "Do what now?" :'''Meatwad''': Do what now? :'''Master Shake''': Guess what? He's not gettin his brain back, because it is now the nerve center for the city of the future: LAS BRAINGELES! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''(now a 50 foot meatball, speaking in a booming voice)'' '''Where are my popsicles?!''' :'''Frylock''': Damn! :'''Master Shake''':''(scared)'' Is that you, God? :'''Meatwad''': '''Frylock, get away from the pool.''' :'''Frylock''': Aw, hell... ''(moves away from the pool)'' :'''Meatwad''': ''(leaps into the air)'' '''''CAN OPENER!!!!!!!!!!!''''' ===Space Conflict from Beyond Pluto=== :''(Trying to barbecue melons)'' :'''Emory''': How do want your melon? :'''Olgethorpe''': Emory, the melon's on fire! :'''Emory''': Well of course they're on fire. They're not made to be cooked. :'''Oglethorpe''': What do ''you'' know of fire? You prance around like you have laser eyes. You don't! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': I have an amazing plan to betray our new friend … hah-hah-hah! :'''Emory''': I thought the plan was to barbecue with him. :'''Oglethorpe''': Plans are for fools! When he gets here, we melt him … and laugh … on into the night! :'''Emory''': Why don't we just...talk to him and stuff? :'''Oglethorpe''': Why don't you shut up and let me do what I want for a change? <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Hey, hey, what is with all this interrogation? Let's toss the frisbee...over there ''[Points to the melting chamber]''...''WHERE WE WILL MELT YOU INTO FLUID!'' ''[begins stomping on the frisbee]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': We are on a top secret mission of world domination! :'''Frylock''': World domination? You guys couldn't take over a damn bowl of Jell-O! :'''Emory''': Hey, is that, like, an important place or something? :'''Oglethorpe''': ''[threateningly]'' Where is it? <hr width=50%/> :''[Frylock realizes that the Plutonians are complete idiots and wants to leave.]'' :'''Frylock''': Okay, look, which one of these buttons beams me out of here? :'''Oglethorpe''': Those buttons are red! You'll destroy us all! :''[Frylock pushes a button. Balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling and music plays.]'' :'''Emory''': All right, party time! :'''Oglethorpe''': Whose birthday is it? Someone gets a spanking! :''[Frylock pushes another button. Shake appears on the ship.]'' :'''Shake''': Hey, happy birthday! Hey, who's the lucky boy? :'''Frylock''': Shake, how did you get in this beam? :'''Shake''': Look, that beam came from space. You don't own space, so stop acting like you do. <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': You might be interested to know that we are just about to destroy your planet! :'''Master Shake''': Oh, go ahead, I'm not there, ah, it's fine. <hr width=50%/> :'''Emory''': You really think we need to blow up their planet? :'''Oglethorpe''': That's what I said, blow it up! Let's blow it up! :'''Emory''': Alright, fine. :''[Oglethorpe pushes a button. Balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling and music plays again.]'' :'''Emory''': ...Did it blow up, man? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': You cannot cut someone's lawn with matches, Meatwad! :'''Meatwad''': Look, I know that. You gotta have gasoline, otherwise how's it gonna spread to the street? :'''Carl''': ''(banging on the Aqua Teen's door)'' Open this damn door now! :'''Meatwad''': Oh, is he mad? Don't open it. :'''Carl''': I heard that! Open this door! <hr width=50%/> :''[the Plutonians have put Shake in the melting chamber.]'' :'''Emory''': Why isn't he melting? I mean, the beam's supposed to be on. :'''Oglethorpe''': Well, it's not! I'm looking right at it and it's not on. :'''Emory''': Maybe we need the remote. :'''Oglethorpe''': Well, maybe you shouldn't have run the melter through the VCR, Scheisskopf! :'''Emory''': Well, maybe it's 'cause you said "I want all meltings to be taped", even though you never watch 'em! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': '''''NOW, WHERE'S THAT DAMN REMOTE?!?!''''' <hr width=50%/> :''[Shake accidentally fires off an escape pod holding the Plutonians' remote control]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': What in the hell was that?! :'''Emory''': That was the, uh...escape pod. :'''Oglethorpe''': Damn it! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Stop pressing the buttons in there! :'''Shake''': This whole ship's a bunch of buttons! And I'm done with this Redbook, I was done with it the minute I saw it. And I'm hungry! :'''Oglethorpe''': You will eat what we say! :'''Emory''': You will eat ''when'' we say. That's right. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Uh, Shake... :'''Shake''': What do you want? :'''Frylock''': Carl is here... :'''Shake''': How did you get this--I'm not here! :''[At the Aqua Teens' house, Frylock, Carl, and Meatwad are watching Shake on the computer.]'' :'''Carl''': Oh, you're not there? :'''Shake''': Hello, Carl. :'''Carl''': Hey, buddy, how ya doin' there? Pizza Land, huh? That's lots of fun. Hey, uh, I wanted to let you know that '''''YOU BURNED MY FRICKIN' HOUSE DOWN!!!!!!!!!!''''' :'''Shake''': But the grass is gone--- :'''Carl''': Oh yea the grass is gone, just like how your face is gonna be gone after I '''SHOVE IT IN A PASTRAMI SLICER!!!''' <hr width=50%/> :''[Shake has asked for a new virtual environment. He appears in what appears to be a live-action park. He finds himself next to a horse.]'' :'''Female Computer Voice''': Welcome to this horse's anus. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[after Carl's house has burned down]'' Hey Carl, you want me to shampoo the rug? :'''Carl''': What's the frickin' point, Meatman? :'''Meatwad''': So you can give me some money. <hr width=50%/> :''[The Plutonians enact a plan to get rid of Shake]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, look over there! One hundred dollars! On the wing of the ship! :'''Shake''': ''[Shoves Oglethorpe out of the way]'' Oh, that's mine! I dropped it! Now where is it again? :'''Oglethorpe''': Right there. Do you see it? It's there. :'''Shake''': Why, this could be very dangerous. I...I should go. :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, would you? Please save us...from all the money. :''[Cut to Shake in a pod in space, looking for the money]'' :'''Shake''': Shake to ship! I'm still not seeing it! :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, you can't see it? Well, let me turn on the light for you! :''[the ship flies away, sending Shake spinning to Earth.]'' :'''Shake''': Wait! :'''Oglethorpe''': Jackass! <hr width=50%/> :''[Carl is holding a tire iron.]'' :'''Carl''': Hey, buddy! :'''Shake''': Hey, Carl! Hey! Lawn looks great! :'''Carl''': Likin' it? :'''Shake''': Why's your house all curled up? :'''Carl''': I don't know, I was hoping maybe we could have a little dialogue about that. :'''Shake''': Hey, that's a nice tire iron, Carl. Is that yours? :'''Carl''': Yeah, let me get in there and show you the finish on it. Up close. :''[Carl gets in the pod. The door closes.]'' :'''Carl''': Taste the chrome! :''[Carl proceeds to brutalize Shake. The pod falls over.]'' ===Ol' Drippy=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen, be- :'''Steve''': Uhh, you know, you can just call me Steve. I mean, there's no one else here. :''[The creature from the black lagoon suddenly appears behind Steve]'' :'''Steve''': Right? :'''Dr. Weird''': MY MIND! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': You ever hear of a refrigerator, or a frickin' trash can?! :'''Master Shake''': No. :'''Frylock''': You got three raw chickens in here on the floor! A dog wouldn't even take a crap in here! :'''Master Shake''': Look, just take the hose and lightly spray everything out the back door. :'''Frylock''': No, no ''MY ASS, YOU WILL!'' :'''Master Shake''': Drape a tarp over it. :'''Frylock''': Oh no you're not! You're gonna go to the damn store and get some cleaning supplies! :'''Meatwad''': What's goin' on? :'''Master Shake''': Look at this mess! Did you do this? ''[long pause]'' Fine, alright!. I'll do it, but it's my decision to do this, I declare it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Schooly D''': Yo, man. I think that mold is a-movin'. If it move one more time, I’m gettin' my gat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': This here's Vanessa. I know she looks like an apple, but she's actually a full-grown woman, and she fell in love with her boyfriend, Dewey, here, and they go off into outer space and then they... they get married. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''':(angrily enters the house) Where's Meatwad?! :'''Frylock:''' What're you doing with that gutter? :'''Master Shake:''' What're you doin' with that beard, huh? Answer that, scientist! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': My telescope! And you've ruined it! How will I ever see the stars again? :'''Meatwad''': This ain't no telescope, it's Dewey. He's an engineer, and he works on the Supertrain. :'''Master Shake''': He does what?! You've got mental problems. ''[Hits Meatwad repeatedly with gutter]'' Taste the chrome! :'''Ol' Drippy''': ''[walking in with the "doll"]'' What's it taste like? :'''Master Shake''': Your mother's... ''[sees Ol' Drippy for the first time]'' AAAHHHH, MONSTER!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Did you see a woman in a bikini with a six-pack of beer and a surfboard come in here? :'''Frylock''': Was it made of cardboard, used to be up at the liquor store? :'''Carl''': Uhh...no. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': You two-timin' bitch! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Ohhh, she smells like dead mushrooms and cheeseburger meat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ol' Drippy''': Idle hands spend time at the genitals, and you know how much God hates that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frylock has suggested that Shake be "polite"; Shake intentionally knocks Ol' Drippy's latte out of his "hand".]'' :'''Shake''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to knock that out of your hand, I don't know what came over me! There, was that polite enough for you, Frylock?! I'm apologizing to your best friend in the whole universe! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': Shake, what is wrong with you? :'''Master Shake''': What's wrong with ''you''? Hey, why don't you go kiss your new best friend, you love him so damn much! I'm the one who cleaned the kitchen. I'm the authority! :'''Carl''': ''[at the door]'' Someone wanna tell me why my pool is full of hotdog chunks and dirty dishes? :'''Master Shake''': Oh Carl, you didn't mess with it did ya? Cause it's gotta set up for a couple days with the battery. :'''Carl''': The battery? :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, you know, the one from your car. I dumped some shampoo in there too, but it's dog shampoo so I dunno if it's gonna work, but were prayin' like hell that it does. :'''Carl''': No, no, no, I understand, I understand. I'm just gonna go, I'll be back in a few. You uh, you think that the gun store is still open? :'''Ol' Drippy''': Carl, please, I'll take care of the mess. He means well, he's just a little... well, I'd better not say. :'''Master Shake''': What? I'm a little what? :'''Carl''': Thank you, Drippy. You are very well-mannered and very nice. ''[To Master Shake]'' And ''you'' oughta take lessons from him! :'''Frylock''': [agreeing with Carl]: That's right! :'''Meatwad''': [agreeing with both Frylock and Carl]: Yeah, Shake. That's right! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': Oh yeah, he's nice now, but don't come looking for me when he's burying your bodies out in the desert. <hr width+50%/> [Meatwad kicks out Shake] :'''Meatwad''': Well, get out of here! What are you waiting on? I’m gonna chase you outta here! [Sidewalk at night. Shake is in the rain] :'''Shake''':[Making a post-and-lintel structure out of sofa cushions] That’s good. Okay, that’s all right. That looks good. Hey, who says I couldn’t do this, huh?[Lightning strikes the sofa cushions apart] AAAAHHH! Let me in! Will you let me in, dammit! I mean, guys! Hey-hey! Somebody wanna let me in, please?[Frylock goes to open the door for Shake] :'''Frylock''': Well, Shake! I thought you moved. :'''Shake''': What?! I never said that! Who said that!?(He starts coughing) :'''Ol Drippy''': Oh my. You’re burning up. :'''Shake''': Yes, I’m very... sick.(He coughs some more) :'''Ol Drippy''': Frylock, he needs medical help. :'''Frylock''': He needs an ass-whooping is what he needs. :'''Ol Drippy''': There’s no time! Here Shake, eat my head! :'''Shake''': Here! Kiss my ass! Forget about it!! :'''Ol Drippy''': I’m serious. Coat me with ranch. Chase me with cheese if you must, I don’t care. It’s the only way. :'''Frylock''': Drippy, don’t! What are you doing? :'''Meatwad''': Don’t do that, that’s going to hurt you! :'''Ol Drippy''': I’m saving his life! I’m half penicillin! :'''Frylock''': Well, I have some penicillin in my lab if that’s what this is all about. :'''Ol Drippy''': Oh, really? Well then, just give him some of that man, I mean- :'''Shake''': No, wait. Now, hold on a minute, I- I kind of like the taste of your head. I mean, you said it was the only way, right?(coughs again) :'''Meatwad''': Where are you going, Drippy? I- I love you! :'''Ol Drippy''': I'm going away for a while, Meatwad. And I may never come back. But I'll always be here, inside. :'''Shake''': Yeah, in my stomach, baby. :'''Ol' Drippy''': Close your eyes, Meatwad. ''[Shake takes a big bite out of Ol' Drippy]'' AAH! :'''Shake''': Leave your eyes open, Meatwad. I wanna horrify you into a coma. <hr width+50%/> :''[Shake is eating fried chicken in the pool after Drippy got hit by a truck while saving his life]'' :'''Shake''': Look...he pushed me. :'''Fryock''': He pushed you out of the way of that truck. :'''Shake''': Listen...he's in a better place. :'''Frylock''': He's in the ''grill'' of the truck! :'''Meatwad''': He was my best friend. :'''Shake''': Ah, well then you should know something. When he was pushing me...he mentioned something about not liking you. :'''Frylock''': Ah, man. :'''Shake''': I clearly heard it. :'''Meatwad''': Did he really? :'''Shake''': That stuck out. :'''Meatwad''': Well...I guess I'll have one of those wings then. Gimme one. :'''Shake''': ''[Throws a wing towards Meatwad]'' Here, fetch. :'''Meatwad''': Where's the meat?! This is a bone! :'''Shake''': Go make a doll out of that! ===Revenge of the Mooninites=== :'''Meatwad''': How am I ever gonna win that ten speed? :'''Master Shake''': How are you ever gonna ride a ten speed with no frickin' legs?! You're just gonna bust the ass that you don't even have! Who bothered to spawn you...and ''why''?! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Fryman, we're full of religion. Everyone, please, bow your heads and pretend to be serious. :'''Err''': Do it or I'll bow 'em for ya! :''[Frylock throws the Mooninites out of the house]'' :'''Ignignokt''': You have deeply offended us and our god, and our god is a god of vengeance...and horror :'''Err''': And action! :'''Ignignokt''': Our god is an Indian that turns into a wolf :'''Err''': That's [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wolfen_(film) Wolfen], man. :'''Ignignokt''': Well...the Wolfen will come for you with his razor. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Meatwad''': I do not want to do anything illegal here, but I would kill somebody in front of their own mama to get a ten speed and if anybody testifies against me, I'll gouge their eyes out. :'''Err''': Let's go get drunk and rip off a ten speed! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, we'll get a basket and a horn on the handle. :'''Err''': Then we'll set it on fire and wreck it into children and laugh at their parents and then we'll...get on the... ohh man, I'm toasted! :'''Ignignokt''': The innocent shall suffer... big time. <hr width = 50% /> :''[Ignignokt shows Carl the Foreigner Belt]'' :'''Carl''': Wait a second...is that from the '83 tour? Yeah! I saw those guys in the Meadow Lands with Bryan Adams! That was a kickass show! I totally copped this feel off this passed out broad when they were playing ''Urgent''. Every time I hear ''Urgent'' on the radio I think of that girl's boobs and...covered in vomit. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Meatwad''': Oh, yeah baby! That's a neat car she's washin'! You think that's a straight six? :'''Err''': I think I ''have'' a straight six! :'''Ignignokt''': Ooh, Err, your sexual innuendo is priceless! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Torch the dresser, Meatwad. :'''Meatwad''': But, this is where Carl keeps his clothes. :'''Ignignokt''': Look, these women don't have any clothes and they're not complaining. :'''Err''': Yeah, man. They're kissin' each other! :'''Ignignokt''': And you want Carl to be forever kissed, don't you? :'''Meatwad''': Well, I guess so.. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Your neighbor Carl was gracious enough to let us rip him off and burn his furniture for no reason. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Carl''': I don't need no instructions to know how to rock! ===MC Pee Pants=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen, behold! My beautiful fiancée! :'''Steve''': Uh, I think that's a giant spider. :''[MC Pee Pants grabs Dr. Weird and starts to mangle him]'' :'''Dr. Weird''': You're right! I've been betrayed! Run! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''':'' [listening to Bach]'' Yeah, now listen to ''that'' beat. Now that's a kickin' glissando! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': I like beatings, I'll beat ya all day! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Hey, which one of you guys has been playin' "I Like Candy", for a ''frickin' week''?!?! :'''Frylock''': It was your other neighbor. :'''Shake''': Meatwad. :'''Carl''': You know what? At this point, it doesn't matter, 'cause it keeps runnin' inside my head and it won't leave unless I blow it out, with a bullet! :'''Master Shake''': ''[notices Carl's mouth is full]'' What you eating there, Carl? ''(walks over to him)'' You gonna show me some love? :'''Carl''': Jawbreakers. For some reason, I can't get enough of 'em. :'''Master Shake''': Is that why your teeth are blue? :'''Carl''': Uh... no. :'''Master Shake''': Oh. Uh... So, why are you... :'''Carl''': Shut up. ''[brief silence, then begins singing]'' I like candy, bubblegum and ta--''DAMN IT!!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Trick or treat, smell my meat...''[Carl shuts the door]]'' ...Ah, man. :'''Carl''': ''[Opens the door]'' Look, Meatman, what are you doing trick-or-treatin'?! It's frickin' May. :'''Meatwad''': Look, I need candy. Now, are you going to give me some, or are you going to lose some teeth? :'''Carl''': I know, I've only heard your little song a thousand times! Now I need candy and I don't know why. :'''Meatwad''': Shhh... I don't listen to that kiddie crap any more, I'm check'n the adult jams now, see, check it. MC Pee Pants don't just want candy now, that's childish, he ''needs'' it. And when you need something that's a responsibility, that only only an adult... of my maturity... bunnies! :'''Carl''': Yeah, I got a deal at the dumpster, I mean, warehouse. Yeah, you might want to wipe the juice off 'em. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': You know Meatwad and Carl have been hanging out quite a bit lately. :'''Shake''': What, you want 'em to stop? ''(yelling out the front door)'' Rape, rape, oh rape! :'''Frylock''': No, no, no, it's fine, it's fine, but don't think it's a little bit weird that they started washing the car at midnight...and they're still doing it? :'''Shake''': Look, people do things, it's a fact. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': Shake, did you hear this lyric? About drilling a hole straight to hell, and releasing demons to create a global diet pill pyramid scheme?! :'''Master Shake''': Eh, I don't know. All that rap is is clicks and whistles. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': 612 Wharf Avenue? I know where that is, that's the, uh, abandoned warehouse next to Melon Shakers...th-the Gentlemen's Club. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': I should not walk so a child may live. ''[pause]'' That's what it does. :'''Frylock''': Get up! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Why aren't your lips moving? :'''MC Pee Pants''': Look, my shniggys, I had a strizzoke in my brizzain, okay? You know what I'm sayin'? So I can't move all good. Thanks for bringing that up, thank you very much! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': You're all the things that are in this ad: you're energetic, hard-working, you like people— :'''MC Pee Pants''': No, I love the liquid ''inside'' people. How many times I gotta tell you this, man? I'm insane! I eat people-juice. No one's gonna hire a people-juice eater! <hr width="50%"/> :''[in hell]'' :'''MC Pee Pants''': Hey guys. Hey man, who's into rap yo? :'''Satan''': Now you listen to me scab! We listen to speed metal! :'''MC Pee Pants''': Hey man it's cool. ''[Satan blasts MC P Pants with fire]'' AAAHH! :'''Satan''': No, it isn't! ===Dumber Dolls=== :'''Dr Weird''': Gentleman, behold. My time space contin- ''[freezes]'' :'''Steve''': What? ''[long pause]'' Uhhh....Dr. Weird? ''[pushes over Dr. Weird, and he explodes]'' See you later have a good weekend! <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': ''[After running over Meatwad's toys with a lawnmower]'' Hey, your astronauts better watch where they land their ship next time, 'cause they might get ''overrun'' by the alien life form, hahaha! :'''Meatwad''': They don't use ships, they use rocket boots. :'''Shake''': They don't use nothin' now, do they? <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': No, no I don't have a firearm, I just got these...action bills. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Frylock, where are the pills? :'''Frylock''': Pills? What do you need pills for? :'''Meatwad''': Well, Happy-Time Harry needs 'em. He says that the pills make the phone calls go away. :'''Frylock''': ''[Writes on a post-it note]'' Alright Meatwad, this is a prescription from Dr. Frylock for Jolly Sunshine Happiness! :'''Meatwad''': Oh, you think this is a game?! They're gonna garnish his wages and how's he gonna pay child support then, huh? I'll tell ya, he ain't! <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Look man, all you had was root beer and triple sec. :'''Frylock''': I was gonna make margaritas with that! :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Ah man, you had tequila the whole time?! Well, where the...where is it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': ''[To Meatwad]'' Tomorrow I'm getting you a new doll with a sunnier attitude! :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Hey man, while you're there, you get me that Happy-Time Dialysis Machine. :'''Frylock''': Dialysis? :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Yeah. I had half my liver removed and I'm not supposed to drink, but...I do. <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Go ahead, man. Let's do this thing. :'''Master Shake''': I told you I'd do it, I'm gonna do it now. Hey Meatwad, look at this! ''[With Shake turned away, Harry pours gasoline over himself]'' Come to the window! Big time fun... you know what I mean? :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Okay dude, I just did all the prep work, now let's get it on! DO IT! :'''Master Shake''': Well.. shoot... I mean I was just going to sort of blow your jaw off with a firecracker or something.. I wasn't gonna.. I think I need to go pray. :''[Cut to Meatwad's room]'' :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Yo, that milkshake's got no guts, man. :'''Meatwad:''' You know, Happy-Time...Just being around you kinda makes me wanna die... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jiggle Billy:''' So... ''[dances]'' we jigglin' or- :'''Happy-Time Harry:''' Hey! Backwoods retard. Not now, not ever! :'''Jiggle Billy:''' Okay! Naptime! ''[dances]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry:''' You know, sometimes I like to take this knife and just...cut myself. ''[Chuckles]'' See how hard I can do it before I just...pass out, man. :'''Jiggle Billy:''' Shoo...well, uhh...commence the jigglin' y'all! <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Hey, check it out, man. You know why you came in that box, right? That's 'cause someone put you there...to die. :'''Jiggle Billy''': That ain't true now. I...I got me these night-vision goggles ''[Puts the goggles on]'' :'''Happy-Time Harry''': ''[Knocks the goggles off]'' For what? You're a hillbilly! You don't even know who you are, do you? Look at you, you're a clown. You're a joke. :'''Jiggle Billy''': ''[Pathetically]'' I don't know why I have these goggles. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock:''' You’re gonna chuck him off a cliff? Shake, we could have chucked him off the roof and stayed at home. :'''Master Shake:''' No, This is a magic cliff here, like in The [[w:Highlander_(film)|Highlander]]. So, you will become The Highlander, and you’ll roam the earth forever, trying to kill yourself, but you wouldn’t be able to, because you’ll be…immortal. Won’t that suck, little man? [laughs] :'''Meatwad:''' Well actually, That sounds kinda cool. :'''Master Shake:''' Yeah, it does. :'''Meatwad:''' Then I’m gonna do it. :'''Master Shake:''' NO, YOU’RE NOT! I’m doing it! :'''Frylock:''' Shake, Wait! The Highlander was just a movie. I mean :'''Master Shake:''' Oh Frylock, The Highlander was a documentary, and the events happen in real time. :'''Meatwad:''' So, this cliff is magic? :'''Master Shake:''' Oh yeah, Big time. :'''Meatwad:''' I’m doing it now. :'''Happy-Time Harry''': No man, Look you gotta be born a Highlander, You can’t just…become one. :'''Frylock:''' See, he saw the movie too. :'''Meatwad:''' You know, that’s right. :'''Master Shake:''' I know, I saw cliffs, Okay. And there’s lots of magic everywhere…And Mel Gibson. :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Uhh, [[w:Braveheart|Braveheart]]? Hello? :'''Master Shake:''' Oh, You think you’re the expert? Lets see how much your ass know about FLYING! [throws Happy-Time off a cliff.] Yeah! that’s what I’m talking about. :'''Frylock:''' You done? Because that took forever... :'''Master Shake:''' I am-Well I am foreverrr.....I AM IMMORTAL!!! :'''Frylock:''' Shake, No! ''[Master Shake jumps off the cliff, his straw clinging to a branch]'' :'''Master Shake:''' Damn branch…Wait! I'm not immortal here, Okay? :'''Frylock:''' Hang on Shake, we'll call for help! :'''Meatwad:''' No, tell him to let go. :'''Master Shake:''' Yeah, Hurry! I think that the branch will hold for... ''[branch breaks]'' IT'S NOT HOLDING!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': (Floating in the pool with Meatwad) So, I guess the Highlander comes out of traction today. :'''Meatwad''': Well, I hoped they fixed his eyes. They got messed up pretty bad in that fall. :'''Frylock''': Well, the doctors gave him some hard plastic replacements, So don't stare at them, Okay? He’s real self conscious about it. :'''Meatwad:''' Okay. :'''Shake''': (comes in on wheelchair with large eyes) Alas, I return. :'''Frylock''': Oh! There you are! :'''Master Shake:''' Where are you? :'''Meatwad''': Dang! What happened to your eyes?! They look weird. :'''Frylock''': Shhh! :'''Shake''': Oh, shut up! “There can be, only one!” (Lifts up a sword and lightning strikes it, and then he drops it and falls out of the chair and is set on fire). :'''Meatwad''': We grillin' tonight. ===Bad Replicant=== :''[Dr. Weird is hanging upside-down.]'' :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen! Chop off my head with such velocity that my blood will rocket through my neck, and propel my lifeless body, all the way to Phoenix! :'''Steve''': Wow. Uh, what's in Phoenix? :'''Dr. Weird''': Why, it's your mama, Steve! Get the axe! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Look at it [the Earth] out there. Orbiting like it's so cool. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Look at him and tell me there's a God. :'''Meatwad''': He made me in His own image. :'''Master Shake''': Oh, yeah, God's a big meatball, I forgot. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha. :'''Meatwad''': He is. :'''Master Shake''': Does he stink like you do? <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, that's right. And he ain't my best friend, neither. He yells at me and scares me and locks me in the attic, and pours liquid on my head that stink, and freeze me with the fire extinguisher, and a whole bunch of other stuff I can't remember 'cause he shocked me in the head with a car battery. ''[pause]'' With a bunch of clamps, and sparks, and ... <hr width=50%/> :'''Emory''': Yeah, hey Oglethorpe, do you remember this guy [Shake]? :'''Oglethorpe''': I'm starting to. :'''Emory''': And how annoying he was. :'''Oglethorpe''': Yes, and how he scoffed at our magazines! :'''Emory''': So, uh, what were we gonna do with him? :'''Ogletorpe''': ...We shall use him for the armies ... of the night! :'''Emory''': But I thought the guy down there was going to build an army ... of the night. :'''Oglethorpe''': Different army dorkface! This army will take over the rest of the galaxy! You see how my mind works? It's like a laser! :'''Shake''': You know, I know you from somewere. :'''Oglethorpe''': He must not know who we are. Quick, paint the Mind Room! :'''Emory''': Uh, I'm still not done with the trim on that. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Oh, you're ki — Meatwad, it's not polite to stare. :'''Meatwad''': But, look at him. :'''Major Shake''': No, it's okay, I know. I'm totally, hideous. :'''Meatwad''': No i-it's cool, I was just wondering if that jambox worked, you know. Shake threw mine in a cobra cage, and dared me to go get it, and that's why I'm all puffy back here. <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, well son of a … imprison him within the rings! :''[Disco light rings come down around Shake.]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': You'll never move from that spot again, unless you like being cut in half! :''[The phone rings. Shake reaches through the rings to answer it.]'' :'''Master Shake''': Yelloo? :'''Oglethorpe''': The laser rings! :'''Master Shake''': Look, brother, these ain't nothin but disco lights. :'''Emory''': No, the installer said that they were imprison laser rings, and I, I believed him. :'''Oglethorpe''': Don't listen to him, for he is a witch! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Look, look, settle down, can you just maybe try and replicate some other people, and get an army going and then take over the entire planet. :'''Emory''': Or is that not possible. :'''Major Shake''': Well I don't know, I don't think I can replicate others, was that your plan? :'''Oglethorpe''': Well, one of them. We have many plans. :'''Major Shake''': Well maybe your next plan should be to tell me what the plan is. :'''Oglethorpe''': Look, settle down. It's all cool. :'''Major Shake''': No. No. Look at me dude. I'm a leaky, disgusting, abomination and I'm not going to do it anymore. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Did they not see us sitting here? :'''Major Shake''': No, I'm sure it'll come to them. :''(On the ship)'' :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, damn it! :'''Emory''': What? :'''Oglethorpe''': That was that man, the fry-man! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': So, is he like replicating it? :'''Frylock''': No, he's hotwiring it. :'''Meatwad''': Oh, shoot I was hoping I'd learn something. Science is a mystery to man, isn't it Frylock? :'''Frylock''': Yeah it sure is Meatwad... :'''Meatwad''': Like how we all evolved from the ancient dinosaur. I wish I had some of their stuff boy. Like them tail. Them tails that make 'em fly. :'''Frylock''': Shut up, Damn! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': So, did they, um … ever find your car? :'''Carl''': Oh, they found part of it, you know, hang'n from a trestle near the turnpike. Yeah the cops said he had a … a "straw-like protrusion" and a "cup-like body." You know anybody like 'at? :'''Frylock''': Uh, well, it wasn't Shake, Carl. He was abducted by aliens earlier this afternoon. :'''Carl''': Oh, I knew that. Yeah, of course. :'''Frylock''': He was … seriously. :'''Carl''': I hate you! <hr width=50%/> :'''Emory''': So, what are we gonna do with the prisoner? :'''Oglethorpe''': We shall ask the mighty Orbnauticus. :''[A disco ball comes down from the ceiling.]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': Orbnauticus, we seek wisdom. To what evil purpose shall we put our slave to use? <hr width+50%/> ===Circus=== :'''Shake''': Meatwad, get in this bag! :'''Frylock''': What?! :'''Shake''': What? I got airholes... it's a joke, it'a joke, ha ha, don't get in that bag, you little meat. :''[cut to Shake and Meatwad in an alley]'' :'''Shake''': Now you stay in that bag! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': So is this where the camp is? :'''Shake''': Yes, now gimme a hug. But, keep the bag on, okay? :'''Meatwad''': Smells like vomit. :'''Shake''': Shut up! The counselor is about the counsel you, and he will send you right back home if you talk and you'll never learn RAM! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Okay Shake, see you in a week. :'''Shake''': Yeah, I'll see you in a week. In hell! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Hey Randy, I don't know what's going on, but can I trade bunks? 'Cause my roommate's...wha- are those his organs? :'''Randy''': Oh that's Inside-Out Boy. His mouth is in his belly, so he's gotta slap at his vocal chords with his bladder in order to make words. :'''Meatwad''': ...I-I-I don't like this camp. Can I go home now? :'''Randy''': GROW INTO A MOUNTAIN DAMNIT! Terrify me! :'''Meatwad''': Now see, I don't do that but I can do this (turns into a hotdog) and this. (turns into a igloo) Ta-da! :'''Randy''': Ripped off again. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Hey, where's Meat Mountain there? :'''Frylock''': You mean Meatwad. :'''Carl''': Oh no, they were callin' 'im Meat Mountain last night. :'''Shake''': Okay, I'm gonna go. :'''Frylock''': You're not going anywhere Shake. :'''Carl''': Yeah, ya gotta come check this out man. Igloo, hot dog, igloo, that bit. But the whole time the stripper's shakin' it in front of 'im. :'''Frylock''': My goodness! Where was this?! :'''Carl''': The warehouse in front of Girls For You, you know, the lingerie modeling place. :'''Frylock''': Uh, no, I don't know Carl. :'''Carl''': Well-ell, twenty bucks, twenty minutes. I'm tellin' ya, one Friday night, you and me Fry-man, blow the lid off the joint! Yeah-heh! :'''Frylock''': I don't think so Carl. :'''Carl''': What, you gay? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': You sold Meatwad to the circus, didn't you?! :'''Shake''': Every day I buy and sell people like you! But no, I did not do that. But based on what I'm hearing here, someone may have. :'''Frylock''': How much, Shake? :'''Shake''': Two. :'''Frylock''': Two? Two what? :'''Shake''': Two dollars. What? What's wrong with that? :''[cut to Shake, Frylock, and Carl at the circus, where Shake sees the price of admission]'' :'''Shake''': Two dollars and fifty cents! Are they out of their minds?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Look, I don't work my ass off for twenty hours a week so I can throw my money away, that's wasteful! These bills are strictly for me to kiss...and slip in some stripper's underwear, so come on! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Wow, the crowd is really getting off on this. :'''Carl''': Well, that's great. I'm so happy for 'em. Where are the strippers?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Yeah, you the supervisor? Where were the strippers? :'''Randy''': Didn't need 'em. Meat Mountain pulls in the crowd all by himself. :'''Carl''': Well you give me back my $2.50, 'cause I ain't payin' for something that happens every day on the hood of my car! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Randy, he ''[Shake]'' ain't from space. :'''Randy''': Yeah, I know little guy, cause I'm the prince of Jupiter. :'''Meatwad''': You never told me that. :'''Randy''': See, years ago my dad sent me down here to conquer your species by ''infiltrating'' your gene pool, know what I mean? ''[chuckles]'' Know what I mean? :'''Meatwad''': No :'''Randy''': Well...when a man and woman love each other...physically...outside of a bar. :'''Meatwad''': Which bar? <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Listen to me Randy, it doesn't matter if you're white, or black, or a sasquatch even. As long as you follow your dreams, no matter how crazy or against the law it is. Except for sasquatch, if you're a sasquatch the rules are different. :'''Randy''': Forget it Meatwad, I'm a circus freak, and that's all I'll ever be. :'''Meatwad''': ...Whatever. <hr width=50%/> :''[Shake comes disguised As Meatwad]'' :'''Shake''': Hey, look at me! I'm stupid as hell, I can't even breathe properly, let alone read! What's that? :'''Randy''': And now.. the Amazing Arctic Igloo! :'''Shake''': What?! :'''Frylock''': Yeah, turn into that Igloo! :'''Carl''': Take your top off!! :'''Frylock''': Carl... :'''Randy''': Yeah..so..where is that, Milkshake? :'''Shake''': Well I uh.. ''(takes off his costume and shows it's really him in disguise with hair under his eyes)'' Look it's the Amazing Milkshake with the Bearded Eyes!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': And I'll tell you something else Frylock, I did not see one computer in that whole camp. :'''Frylock''': Yeah, yeah. Say, have you noticed that Indian burial ground that's coming up through our drain again? :'''Meatwad''': Nah, that's Inside-out Boy. He just needs a place to stay for a few days. :'''Shake''': Whoo, I just ate a whole bathtub full of cherry cobbler. It was delicious. :'''Meatwad''': ...You're joking, right? :'''Shake''': No, I'm not. :'''Meatwad''': ...NOOOOOOOOO!!! <hr width+50%/> ===Love Mummy=== <hr width=50%/> :''[Mummy is yelling in the basement]'' :'''Frylock''': Shake? ''[Yelling Continues]'' Shake! Turn those damn monster movies down-- ''[Notices nobody in the living room]'' Shake? :''[Master Shake and Meatwad enter living room]'' :'''Master Shake''': Who's watching my TV? Because I... :'''Meatwad''': I bought the damn TV! :'''Frylock''': Will you two shut up and listen? ''[Yelling Continues]'' It sounds like it's coming from the floor. :'''Master Shake''': ''[beats the floor with a broomstick]'' Will you SHUT UP?! You hear me?! It's three o'clock in the morning and I need to sleep! ''[Frylock knocks him out with chloroform]'' :'''Meatwad''': Hey, can I have some of that? :'''Frylock''': Just go to sleep and we'll deal with it in the morning. :'''Meatwad''': Yeah sure, I'll just go to sleep and tomorrow morning I'm gonna call me a social worker. ''[Frylock prepares a dose of chloroform]'' And tell him I'm in unfit living conditions and the city will be over here so fast tha-- oh. ''[Knocked out by chloroform]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': No, here's a better idea: Hell no. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Why does he get a lobster? :'''Frylock''': 'Cause he's the mummy, damn it! Now shut up! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Do you know what time it is, huh? It's 2:30 in the afternoon, and people are trying to sleep. ''[Notices the mummy]'' Whose mummy? :'''Frylock''': I found it in the crawlspace. :'''Master Shake''': So you were the one doing all the moaning when I was trying to sleep, huh? :''[Mummy giggles]'' :'''Master Shake''': Shake, you don't wanna piss him off. He has the power to curse you. :'''Meatwad''': Do it, Shake. Piss him off. :'''Master Shake''': I'll do what I want, when I want, and how I want, and no mummy— you hear me, Band-Aid... :'''Meatwad''': Here it comes. :'''Master Shake''': No mummy is gonna tell me what to do. :'''Mummy''': Curse! Curse! CURSE! :'''Meatwad''': Oh, damn. :'''Master Shake''': You done? We all done... :'''Mummy''': CURSE! :'''Master Shake''': Now are you done? :'''Mummy''': Yes. :'''Master Shake''': Cause I'm done listening to you. I got a curse for you. It's called, "tomorrow morning, your ass is outta here." I'm going back to bed! :'''Mummy''': Curse. :'''Master Shake''': I heard it already! I know! It's a friggin' curse! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Shake, I think he may have cursed you. :'''Master Shake''': ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, je-ya think? Cuz, I mean, he only said it about a thousand times! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': (reading) "The curse of the mummy is just a figure of speech. Vomiting locusts for a thousand years is just an old wives tale. The ''real'' curse of the mummy is that he is completely socially inept, devoid of all manners, gold-digging, manipulative, and a selfish brat. Don't ever wake him unless you have a lot of time and money on your hands. Thank you for buying ''Mummies for Dummies''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': ''[Wearing the Mummy's Hat]'' I'm the King! King Carl! :'''Mummy''': ''[Yelling in the Background]'' :'''Carl''': ''[Mimicing Egyptian Music]'' Da da da da daaa, you know I'm your ruler! :'''Mummy''': CURSE! CUUURSE! :'''Carl''': Huh hun huh hee, yeah ''[Mummy continuing to yell]'' SHUT UP! <hr width+50%/> ===Dumber Days=== :'''Meatwad''': Shoot, I'm so dumb as hell I'll never get hired in today's fast-paced world. I'm just gonna go inside and wait for my body to die. :'''Schoolly D''': ''[Narrating]'' Aw, c'mon Meatwad, you can't be that dumb. :''[Pan to Meatwad inside Carl's bedroom]'' :'''Meatwad''': What, is this not my room? :'''Carl''': What do you think? :'''Meatwad''': ......Yes? :''[Carl throws Meatwad out the window]'' :'''Schoolly D''': Well, damn. Maybe Meatwad ''is'' that dumb. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Wait a second. This ain't no brain, this is a damn bee's nest. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': A book?! No sir! Shake says that books is from the devil, and that TV is twice as fast. :'''Frylock''': Twice as fast at what? :'''Meatwad''': Information. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[Reading from ''"The Tiniest Bullfrog"'']'' Jeremy the Bullfrog lived in a tiny swamp on the edge of town. Every day he would dream of playing professional basketball. But he lived in a swamp, far away from the city lights and a major market team. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': One look at Niels Bohr's atomic model makes it abundantly clear that there is a way to pass through solid matter. So in summation, we can have our daily tea-party in the fifth dimension. :'''Frylock''': Knock-knock. Well, I hope I'm--OH MY GOD! :''[Meatwad is about 10-15 times his usual size]'' :'''Meatwad''': Frylock, what a pleasant surprise. I'm just finishing up my symposium. You've met my colleagues, Professor Vanessa and Dr. Dewey. :'''Frylock''': Yeah, what happened to your body, man?! :'''Meatwad''': Well, it's obvious, isn't it? Thermal expansion. :'''Frylock''': No, it's not thermal expansion. I know what thermal expansion is. :'''Meatwad''': Okay, fine, I'm sure that you do. Let's see.. how can I explain this without blowing your mind. :'''Frylock''': Oh yes, please. Dumb it down for me. :'''Meatwad''': Heisenburg's Uncertainty Principle tells us that at a specific curvature of space, knowledge can be transferred into energy-- :'''Frylock''': Heisenburg's Uncertainty--! :'''Meatwad''': ...and this is key now...matter. :'''Frylock''': No it does not! :'''Meatwad''': Well, some people struggle with Heisenburg. ''[pulls out a yo-yo]'' Look, here's a toy. It goes up and down on a string. Doesn't that look like fun? :'''Frylock''': ''[knocks yo-yo away]'' Get that out of my face! :'''Meatwad''': Why don't you take that into the other room while the adults are doing important research here. :'''Frylock''': Oh, I'm sorry Professor! I didn't realize knowledge could also transform you into an arrogant ass! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[levitating a boy in a car with his mind]'' Quiet! I need complete concentration or the child will die. <hr width=50%/> :''[Carl's car crashes on his roof]'' :'''Carl''': Ohh, do not tell me that that is my car up there on the roof! :'''Meatwad''': Okay, we won't. :'''Carl''': Get it down! :'''Meatwad''': Okay. :'''Carl''': Wait, wait no don't! ''[car crashes to the ground]'' DAMMIT! ===Interfection=== <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr Weird''': ''(his head has shrunk and speaking in a high pitch voice)'' GENTLEMEN! TURN IT ON! :'''Steve''': Okay. ''(pushes a button to pump Dr Weird's head)'' :'''Dr Weird''' ''(head gets bigger and bigger)'' ''TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Plaque is a figment of the liberal media and the dental industry to scare you into buying useless appliances and pastes. Now, I've read the arguments on both sides, and I haven't found any evidence yet to support the need to brush your teeth. ''Ever.'' :'''Meatwad''': I don't know how you'd know; you ain't got no teeth. :'''Master Shake''': Well, I got rid of my teeth at a young age, because...I'm straight. Teeth are for gay people. That's why fairies come and get 'em. :'''Meatwad''': If teeth make me gay then sign me up, 'cause I wish I had 'em. <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': Computer, search for teeth and plaque conspiracy ''(pause),'' and Metallica. :'''Meatwad''': And Justin Timberlake. ''[Shake ignores him]'' Do a search for Justin Timberlake. ''[Shake continues to ignore him]'' ... J-U-S-- :'''Shake''': Please hush up. The search needs complete silence to work. :'''Meatwad''': Oh shoot, I forgot. I'm sorry. :'''Master Shake''': Well, I'm sorry, but if ''you'' can't learn that little lesson, then someone's going to get their little mouth stabbed shut with skewers! And then we'll see how easily the axe slices through the meat! :''[Meatwad's eyes get big, then he starts bawling.]'' :'''Master Shake''': All right, okay. Maybe that was a little huge. Listen, I would never hit you with an axe... :''[Meatwad's sobs subside as he pauses for a second and looks up at Master Shake]'' :'''Master Shake''': ...when you had skewers stabbed through your mouth. :''[Meatwad immediately resumes crying.]'' :'''Master Shake''': I would think one or the other would be enough. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': All right! Five point nine percent over APR! You don't get that every day! :'''Master Shake''': Are you kidding?! With APR like that I could just die! <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that I was in the Supreme frickin' Court here! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah. Neither did I. :'''Shake''': Should I have my lawyer present for my frickin' trial?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Is it hot, girl-on-girl action? <hr width=50%/> :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': It's so easy to use, and the surgery to implant it in the base of your skull is so painless, it's no wonder I'm #1! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': [appears on a monitor] Hello there, Internet Cyberville. Hey, if your watching this right now, I'm running outta oxygen and I seriously need to get to my bathroom, WHICH IS CURRENTLY BEING BLOCKED BY SOME STUPID ASS HIT-THE-MONKEY THING! [pop-up falls on Carl's fingers cutting them] Oh god! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Hey listen, could you get me some chicks that ''don't'' have the ZZ Top Lumberjack look? If I wanted to date Sasquatch, I'd call your mother. Ha-ha! <hr width=50%/> :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': But the skull implant comes in this decorative tin. :'''Frylock''': Decorate ''this!'' ''[uses eye lasers to blow up pop-up ad for the tin]'' :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': Okay, okay, okay, okay! Fine! Fine. Don't use our service. Get left in the digital dust! But remember, you could have won a Porsche. <hr width=50%/> :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': And after this 90-day trial, you will be judged and sentenced to a lifetime of interactive sports, news, and information. And we will continue to draw from your account, because banks don't care. It's not their money. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': I'm tired of livin' in this tree, now. How long till we gonna go home? :'''Frylock''': Two more weeks. :'''Meatwad''': TWO MORE WEEKS?! :'''Frylock''': Shut up and eat your squirrel meat! :'''Shake''': Squirrel meat, bleh. :''[Pop up ads begin to appear as the Wwwyzzerdd cackles in the background]'' :'''Shake''': What? I got wireless. ''[Hits an ad]'' What? ===PDA=== :'''Shake''': Someone stole my PDA, and I will ruin this house with my anger! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': Look Shake, people usually get a PDA when they have a job, and friends, and a life! :'''Shake''': Look, you, you, you happen to have no idea what I do for a living do you? :'''Frylock''': You're damn right I don't! I saw you boil a hot dog today. Did you get paid for that?! :'''Shake''': Because I don't have access to my scheduling book, because my PDA's gone! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': Wha, oh come on! We're lookin' for my thing, together, we're like buds, it's cool. Hey, you fly. You go, why don't you go check the gutters. :'''Frylock''': But, why would it be up in the gutters, Shake? :'''Shake''': That's where your DVD burner ended up, when it decided not to work. :'''Frylock''': Oh, I ''damn'' sure better not find that up there! :'''Master Shake''': Well, that's the last place I remember chucking it. :''[Frylock flies to the roof.]'' :'''Frylock''': ''[yelling]'' Hey! Dammit! You did throw my DVD burner up here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': I have some parents, Frylock? :'''Frylock''': Hell no, you don't have any damn parents! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': This is your captain speaking and welcome to the glass-bottom boat ride at the world famous Trenton Tar Pits. I just wanna let you all know I'm a convicted sex offender. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Tar, well, I tell ya if I wanna smell like a shingle, I go get my frisbee and my tanktop and my [[w:Captain EO|Captain EO]] out of the gutter. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': There ain't nothin' down here but tar and a condom wrapper! This is gross! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': All right, and I'm back, ladies and gentlemen. They won't be bothering us anymore. I chased them off with my nudity...does that arouse anyone down there, or... :'''Meatwad''': What does that mean? :'''Frylock''': It means that we're gonna get off this boat right now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': Okay, and we've docked...and I feel a little sexy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': Who down there wants to meet the captain? And feel sexy with him. :'''Meatwad''': Oooh, I do, I wanna meet the captain! :'''Frylock''': No, you don't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': Ah, jee whiz! This is the greatest gift I ever got in my life that I never wanted ever! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Romulox''': Oh, I didn't see your knock-offs there, nice. Are you goin' for the ironic look, or the look-I-don't-have-any-money look? :'''Shake''': I don't know, which one would you do? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': What's wrong with your elbow? :'''Romulox''': Oh, you didn't get that surgery. I'm sorry. :'''Meatwad''': We don't have insurance. :'''Romulox''': Only two people have the easy-flow elbow, and one of them happens to be named [[w:Bruce Willis|Bruce Willis]]. <hr width+50%/> ===Mail Order Bride=== :'''Frylock''': Santa's coming tonight Meatwad, so I really need your Christmas list— :'''Meatwad''': Here. :'''Frylock''': …and if you've been a good boy this year, you may just get this…this L-shaped thing. :'''Meatwad''': No, see, what that is, is a hair dryer. :'''Frylock''': You want a hair dryer? :'''Meatwad''': Yeah. :'''Frylock''': For what? You don't have any- :'''Meatwad''': Keep reading, next to the hair dryer. :'''Frylock''': This—this is a squiggle. :'''Meatwad''': No, that's hair. You read it backwards, fool. So go get it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Oh, man. I cannot wait. I got the oils, the candles, the works! When does that babe get here? :'''Master Shake''': Carl, don't refer to her as a "babe", please. She is a Chechnyan prostitute, and you will address her as such. :'''Carl''': Look, just don't cash that check immediately. I wanna make sure that both of us marryin' her is gonna be, you know, legal. :'''Master Shake''': Of course it is! What are you kidding me? Santa Claus ain't legal and he's around. :'''Carl''': Well, I guess that makes sense, you know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': Look merry, dammit! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Shoo, that sure was a good sleep I had. WHERE ARE THE DAMN PRESENTS?! :'''Frylock''': It's 4:00 in the afternoon Meatwad, that wasn't Santa. :'''Meatwad''': Well, you know, maybe Santa's just gettin' a jump start on things this year. 'Cause, you know, statistics they show that there are more people in the world today. That's China's fault. :'''Frylock''': Where do you get this information? :'''Meatwad''': Regis. <hr width="50%"/> :''[on a ladder]'' :'''Carl''': Look, would you just hold it with your hands?! :'''Master Shake''': I can do two things at the same time, chubby. :'''Carl''': No, ya can't! :'''Master Shake''': ''[reading a magazine to himself]'' Huey Lewis making a comeback! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Carl has broken his neck.]'' :'''Carl''': Hey, get back here! I think I need some help here! :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, I know you do. :''[Master Shake walks away.]'' :'''Carl''': Get back here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': Well, there ain't gonna be no dinner this year. :'''Frylock''': What about your girlfriend. I thought she was gonna cook. :'''Master Shake''': "Co-fiancee." Let's get it right, please. :'''Frylock''': "Co-"? :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, you know, I'll split her with Carl. So he's "co-owner." :'''Frylock''': You're depraved. :'''Master Shake''': Yes, thank you, I think she sees that quality in me. But that damn Carl is so Selfish. :'''Meatwad''': Carl should remember the reason for the season. :'''Master Shake''': The reason for the season is pleasin and I ain't gettin much pleasin and Carl better get his ass with the program. :'''Carl''': Get with what program, Cup? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Hey fry-man, you think I can get you to come over here and uh, blow a frickin' hole in my wall? :'''Frylock''': What's wrong, Carl? :'''Carl''': Well, for starters, she's barricaded herself inside the house. And every time she talks to me, it's in this, like, language. It's like some demon yelling at me, or something! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Schoolly D''': Santa Claus got barbeque sauce in his drawers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Okay, I'm awake. Let's, uh, friggin go get married. :'''Meatwad''': Oh Good! :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, brotha! :'''Carl''': Let's get married, yeah! :''[at Carl's house]'' :'''Frylock''': And do you, Svetlana... what does this say? :'''Carl''': Look, just say Smith or Jones or something... there's no way you can pronounce that right. :'''Frylock''': Svetlana Smith take Carl... :'''Carl''': Just say Smith again, it don't matter... none of this matters. :'''Frylock''': ...Smith to be your lawfully wedded husband... :'''Master Shake''': Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! :'''Frylock''': ...to honor... :'''Master Shake''': Back up! Rewind! :'''Frylock''': ...take Carl, and Master Shake... :'''Master Shake''': That's more like it. :'''Frylock''': to be your lawfully wedded husbands as long as you three shall live. :'''Svetlana''': ''[speaking Russian, from inside Carl's house]'' :'''Carl''': Alright, yeah! :'''Master Shake''': Alright, score! :'''Carl''': Sweet nectar! :'''Frylock''': Okay, now shove the ring under the door. :'''Master Shake''': No, we're not doing the ring, I'm not gettin' roped into all that. :'''Frylock''': How can you not have a ring? :'''Master Shake''': No, it ends here. I haven't seen food once since she's shown up. :'''Carl''': He's right, let's do this thing - light this candle. :'''Frylock''': By the power invested in me by the state of New Jersey I now pronounce you men and wife. You may now kiss the door. :'''Master Shake''': Blow it open Frylock. :'''Carl''': Do it! :'''Svetlana''': [speaking Russian; escapes] :'''Carl''': Svetlana, baby? :'''Master Shake''': Great! Great! :'''Carl''': Oh Man! She got the car. :'''Meatwad''': Well technically, it's half hers now, right? Or a third, I don't know. :'''George''': Introducing the new Misters and Mrs. Bertwoski! :'''Carl''': It's Brutananadilewski! And you get the hell out of here! :'''Master Shake''': No way, you are staying! We got him til two. <hr width+50%/> ===Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future=== :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Now in the future, the past has occurred. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': You're the Ghost of Christmas Past...right? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': That is correct. :'''Carl''': Okay, well...I mean, you know that it's February...right? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[pause]'' I am a robot. :'''Carl''': Well, you know, obviously. What are you, stupid? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[stutters]'' I will see you in December, tomorrow! :'''Carl''': Okay, whatever there, just lock your door on the way- :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[breaks through the wall]'' Do what? :'''Carl''': Nevermind, just leave! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Flashback to Carl's house on Christmas in the 1960s]'' :'''Carl''':''[opening his present]'' Oh boy oh boy oh boy I hope this is a new mommy! :'''Carl's Dad''': Yeah, it's not. Hurry up and open it, ya little creep, we gotta be at work in an hour. :'''Carl''': What is this, is this carpet, daddy? :'''Carl's Dad''': Carpet? No. That's [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Berber_carpet berber], its an industry term. :'''Carl''': Hey, look it's a magic flyin' carpet! Look at me, I'm flyin' around in Egyptland! :'''Carl's Dad''':''[cuts Carl off]'' Yeah, that's cute. Don't get too attached there, Aladdin, 'cause its about to be magic flyin' dinner. :'''Carl''':''[looking worried]'' Y-you can't eat carpet... Silly Daddy. :'''Carl's Dad''': Hehe, not like that you can't. You gotta boil it, till the glue gets soft.:''[looks at his watch]'' Oh jeez, look at the time! :'''Carl''': But it's Christmas, Daddy! :'''Carl's Dad''': You're not getting out of this one! Put on your work boots and your respirator! I pulled ''A LOT'' of strings to get them to hire an 8 year old. :'''Carl''':''[Muttering to himself]'' Don't make me go, I don't wanna make insulation... :'''Carl's Dad''': ''C'MON, WE'RE LATE!!!!'' :'''Carl''': OH GOD! :''[Robot appears and lasers shoot everywhere]'' :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': You remember that Christmas, don't you? :'''Carl''': Yeah, well, you know, I remember eating carpet. Not so much the, uh, lasers and the robots. <hr width=50%/> :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': And that is where babies come from … for machines. :'''Meatwad''': Boy, that's some story. That...kinda is different from what I been told about people loving each other...and, you know, physically... :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': No! That is very wrong! You cling to your pathetic fable of fluid exchange. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': (after finding his swimming pool filled with blood) It looks like someone wrung a herd of cows through a juicer or something! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Wait, wait...who unionized? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Wouldn't you like to know? Probably yo mama. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Man, it makes me sad they had to open their gifts in front of an ape and they were all made out of doodoo. What kinda Christmas is that?! :'''Frylock''': It's okay Meatwad. This is all a bunch of bull. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': You don't believe? :'''Frylock''': Believe what? That you're a ghost and Santa Claus is an ape? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever- :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''Was'' an ape. Now he is a machine! :'''Meatwad''': I left cookies and a glass of milk FOR A MACHINE?!! :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': No man, he's an ape. ''[They look at him questioningly]'' I mean, wait he is a machine! You were trying to mess me up on purpose! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': But I thought everyone back then was undeveloped? Couldn't make machines with their crinkled hands. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Well the elves came from the red planet, and there was much defecation. :'''Frylock''': Yeah, yeah, you mentioned that. How long ago did you say this was? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[Fog rolls in]'' Thousands of years ago- :'''Frylock''': Oh shut up! You still haven't explained why the pool is filled with elf blood! :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': I told you earlier, it was the Great Circuiting. :'''Frylock''': You didn't mention no "Great Circuiting". :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Oh, I didn't? ''[pause]'' Thousands of years ago... <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': I hate to be a buzz kill, but he said that your house is on elf graves and they're pissed off. :'''Carl''': All right, fine, we'll do that. :'''Meatwad''': And the blood's just gonna keep flowing, unless …. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Unless Carl pays tribute to the Elfin Elders in space. :'''Carl''': I'll do it. What do I do? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': You must give up yourself to the Great Red Ape. :'''Carl''': Okay … how much? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Sexually. :'''Carl''': … wonderful. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': What did you say your name was again? :'''Glenn Danzig''': Danzig, mother fucker! I got a question: can you make the blood flow up the walls? :'''Carl''': Lemme go talk to my blood guy over here. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': I don't see why not. :'''Carl''': That's elf blood, too. That ain't cheap-- :'''Glenn Danzig''': How much you want? :'''Carl''': Oh, I dunno...a million? :'''Glenn Danzig''': Killer. Draft the check tomorrow. :'''Carl''': You're serious--THANK YOU GOD!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Glenn Danzig''': Now look, you listen to me as hard as you fucking can. That fucking robot came with the fuckin' house, and now he's fucking gone! If you see that mother-- :'''Master Shake''': Oh, don't worry, we'll tell you! :'''Glenn Danzig''': You fucking better. If I find out he's over here, I'm gonna be eating my cereal out of the bottom of your fuckin' skull! Verstandlich?!! ''[Glenn walks away]'' :'''Master Shake''': Ok. So... thank you :'''Meatwad''': ''[To Cybernetic Ghost]'' Hey you come out now. He's gone. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': (about Danzig) I cannot live with that guy. He is ''so'' annoying, he is ''so'' frightening, and he doesn't wear a shirt. :'''Master Shake''': You make our house bleed right now! ==External links== {{wikipedia|Aqua Teen Hunger Force (season 1)|Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 1)}} *[http://video.adultswim.com/aqua-teen-hunger-force/ ''Aqua Teen Hunger Force''] at Adult Swim *{{imdb title||Aqua Teen Hunger Force}} [[Category:Aqua Teen Hunger Force seasons]] {| class="wikitable" border="1" style="width:100%; text-align: center;" | width="30%" | <small>N/A</small> | width="30%" | '''''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]'' [[w:List of Aqua Teen Hunger Force episodes|seasons]]''' | width="30%" | Succeeded by<br>'''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 2)|Season 2]]''' |} {{Adult Swim}} 7se1teotjia6bsbsdchp0a35gdl6hj7 3157858 3157857 2022-08-25T15:35:11Z 45.5.116.93 /* Ol' Drippy */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 1)|1]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 2)|2]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 3)|3]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 4)|4]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 5)|5]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 6)|6]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 7)|7]] | [[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1]] | [[Aqua Something You Know Whatever]] | [[Aqua TV Show Show]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force|'''Main''']] ---- <br> '''''[[w:Aqua Teen Hunger Force|Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''''', (also known by various [[w:Aqua Teen Hunger Force#Alternative titles|alternative titles]]), (2000–15) is an [[w:animated series|animated television series]] from the [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]]'s [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]] programming block. The show follows the exploits of three [[w:anthropomorphic|anthropomorphic]] fast food items: [[w:Master Shake|Master Shake]], the milkshake; [[w:Frylock|Frylock]], the carton of French fries; and [[w:Meatwad|Meatwad]], the aptly named wad of meat. ===[[w:Rabbot|Rabbot]]=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen! Vegetables have threatened man for generations. I have obtained funds to solve this vegetable nightmare! :'''Steve''': Uh, Dr. Weird — :'''Dr. Weird''': Behold... :'''Steve''': I thought that grant was for somewhat to cure diseases, and …. :'''Dr. Weird''': The grant?! What is that?! :'''Steve''': Dyuhhh …. :''' Dr. Weird''': Shut up. Behold! The Rabbot! ''[The door lifts up and reveals Dr. Weird's monstrous fifty-foot Rabbot]'' :'''Steve''': But, Dr. Weird — :'''Dr. Weird''': Now bring me my large French perfume and spray him in the eyes, because that's how it happened to me! ''[The Rabbot's face is sprayed with a giant bottle of French perfume]'' Now you feel pretty, don't you? Wa, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! ''[The Rabbot hops out the door and toward the lab wall]'' The Rabbot! My creation! ''[The Rabbot smashes through the lab wall and Steve jumps out from behind his hiding spot behind the desk.]'' :'''Dr. Weird''': What has science doooone? :''[the Rabbot hops down the street and proceeds to jump on top of Carl's car, effectively destroying it.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl:''' '''''WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FREAKIN' CAR?!''''' :'''Master Shake''': Good morning, Carl. How's it goin'? :'''Carl''': Oh yeah, good mornin' to you there, Mr. Food Monster, this is how it's goin'. Look at my frickin' car. It is crushed...to bajesus and back. :'''Master Shake''': Have you gotten any estimates? :'''Carl''': Ah, for the love of--I just found it this way. :'''Master Shake''': Carl... :'''Carl''': I just walked out here, for frickin' sake! :'''Master Shake''': Hey Carl, its okay...it's cool man, I'm a detective. Clear the crime scene and let me think...meteors did it! That'll be $20. :'''Frylock''': Hey, Carl. :'''Carl''': Great, we got the Fryman up here. :'''Master Shake''': I have not called for you, Frylock. What are you doing here? :'''Frylock''': I ''live'' here. :'''Master Shake''': Well, quit hovering. ''I'' am the leader! :'''Frylock''': Man, your car is messed up! How are you going to get to work, Carl? :'''Carl''': I work out of the home. :'''Master Shake''': Frylock, send Carl to work, then we shall solve this mystery and make $20. :'''Carl''':I work out of the home. Do not point that fry thing at me. :'''Master Shake''': Quickly, Carl, the ray is upon you. Where do you work? :'''Carl''': I done told ya, I work out of the home! Now stop with the Freak Beam! :'''Master Shake''': Send Carl to the home then! :'''Frylock''': To the home! :'''Carl''': STAY OUT OF MY POOL!! ''[Frylock beams Carl up and drops him flat on his back on his roof]'' Ow, my hip! :'''Master Shake''': Okay, that'll be $20. :'''Frylock''': So, what now, Shake? :'''Master Shake''': We shall solve the mystery from Carl's pool! :'''Carl''':: OH, NO, DON'T GOT TO MY POOL!!! :'''Master Shake''': Goin' to the bank! <hr width=50%/> :''[in Carl's pool]'' :'''Frylock''': This is a fun pool. I do like splashing. :'''Master Shake''': Yes, playing is for pleasure. We should have a pool. Make us one from the sky. I command it. :'''Frylock''': ''[sarcasm]'' Yeah, yeah, I'll do that. :'''Master Shake''': Seriously, I do command it :'''Frylock''': I wonder who killed Carl's car. :'''Master Shake''': A car cannot be "killed"! It was murdered by someone who is jealous of Carl's ability to drive. JEALOUSY is the motivation! <hr width=50%/> :'''Schooly D''': Man everybody know meat don't sleep. <hr width=50%/> :''[Meatwad is dancing, before Master Shake jumps on Meatwad's boom-box and destroys it.]'' :'''Master Shake''': Dancing is forbidden! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Where are we going? :'''Master Shake''': Shut your deformed mouth Meatwad, before I NAIL it shut! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': The scent seems to be coming from that mall :'''Master Shake''': I know! :'''Meatwad''': All right! I want some jeans! :'''Master Shake''': (pushes past him) I'M the one who wants some jeans! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': How did you get back there?! That's for salespersons only. I want to get back there. Get me back there! :''[Meatwad changes shape into a bridge over the sales counter.]'' :'''Meatwad''': Here. Take the Meat Bridge! It's right here! :'''Master Shake''': Meat Bridge? No. :''[Master Shake smashes a hole in sales counter.]'' :'''Meatwad''': Fine. Don't take the Meat Bridge. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Well, as long as we don't go back to the lab. :'''Frylock''': I need to go back to the lab. :'''Master Shake''': God! That'll take a thousand hours! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Does it LOOK like I'm OK?! Stand back, and I shall destroy him! SHAKE POWER ACTIVATE! ''[Shake huffs and puffs and excretes a glob of milkshake onto the road]]'' Now come over here and slip on it, if you dare, rabbit! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': I have called this meeting to say that downtown is no longer safe. :''[Cut to the Rabbot who is still causing havoc in the city]'' :'''Master Shake''': So, in short, we need to pick some new restaurants and night clubs. :'''Carl''': GET OUTTA MY FRICKIN' POOL! ===Escape From Leprauchpolis=== <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen! I have created... this thing! :'''Steve''': What is it? :'''Dr Weird''': I don't know. Stand over here. :'''Steve''': Uh, you mean right here? ''(gets catapulted by a rainbow into the sky)'' :'''Dr. Weird''': It WORKS! ''I am one can short of a six pack''! Wha-ha-ha-ha-ha! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[in the pool for the first time]'' Master Shake said it would dissolve me and then I would get clogged in the filter and then beavers would come and eat me. But that hasn't happened yet! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Look, I have a brain! ''(pause)'' I just took it out so it wouldn't get wet! :'''Frylock''': Yeah, man. He took his brain out. It's cool! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': All right, I'm gonna give this "Rainbow" thing another five minutes, and if it don't show up quick, then I am goin' down to the store and gettin' a hot-rod magazine, 'cause they got the chicks with the boobs in there! :'''Flargan''': ''[looking at Carl through binoculars]'' Excellent, another victim falls prey to me brilliant e-mail plan. Soon we will have enough treasure to rule all of New Jersey. :'''Merle''': Flargan, he doesn't really look like he has any money...or a job, or a wallet. :'''Flargan''': Well I...I'm sure he has some decent tennis shoes. :'''Merle''': He doesn't even have pockets. Look, he's wearing sweatpants. :'''Flargan''': Dingle, engage the rainbow machine! :'''Dingle''': Feet! :''[Dingle turns on the machine]'' :'''Carl''': Yeah, here come the gold! Aw, look at this now, I don't see crap in there. I know this game. This is how they get you. :''[He gets sucked up in the rainbow, and lands flat on his back in the forest]'' :'''Flargan''': Yes, fat man, this IS how we get you! :'''Carl''': Hey there, where's the gold there? :'''Flargan''': Flip-flops? What is this!? :'''Merle''': What did I say? No money, no job, no taste. <hr width=50%/> :'''Merle''': ''[upon seeing Master Shake and Meatwad]'' What in the hell is that?! You know this whole plan is attractin' nothin' but a bunch of goobers. :'''Flargan''': What do their shoes look like? :'''Merle''': Seems kinda stupid doing this whole thing for shoes. :'''Flargan''': It's not just for shoes! It's...it's for... :'''Merle''': It's for what? This [[w:Bananarama|Bananarama]] tape with no case? We really scored big on that one, didn't we, buddy? <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': He told me to get in the freezer 'cause there was a carnival in there. There was no carnival! It was a damn freezer! I got freezer burn and I got mushed up against a chicken. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Let's go. They don't have nothin', it's like a flea market threw up in there. :'''Meatwad''': Look, a Bananarama tape! :'''Master Shake''': That's mine! Drop it where you are! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': You don't need a machine to make a rainbow, for rainbows are made of happy thoughts, and dreams, and chocolate unicorns, and gumdrops, and licorice sunsets, and fuzzy gumdrop bears, in Sugar-Covered Chocolate Gumdrop Land. :'''Master Shake''': No way in hell. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': All right! The ''real'' rainbow! I did it! I brought happiness and joy to us all! :''[a rainbow rips Carl's house off its foundation and flings it through the air.]'' :'''Master Shake''': Wow! :'''Carl''': Oh, good. :''[Awkward silence.]'' :'''Meatwad''': Well, I gotta go...see ya later. <hr width+50%/> ===Bus of the Undead=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen, behold: Mothmonst- ''(Mothmonsterman flies off)'' Oh no! Mothmonsterman, no! Come back! :'''Steve''': He has escaped. :'''Dr. Weird''': Yes, through the hole. ''[slips and falls]'' My banana! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Good morning, Carl! :'''Carl''': Yeah, it is a good morning there little man...''it's three in the morning!!!!!!!!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Look, all I know is that this cord here was plugged into my house, and your house was glowin' like the frickin' sun! So I put two and two together there hey, and decided that you're pissin' me off. :'''Master Shake''': We are truly sorry, Carl, and it will probably never happen again. Can we have our cord back? :'''Carl''': No, no there. I'm just gonna keep it there, since it's uh, mine anyways. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mothmonsterman''': Oh, hey, where you guys been? :'''Master Shake''': Memphis. :'''Mothmonsterman''': Really?! That's awesome. How was it? :'''Master Shake''': Oh, it was very nice. They light up the bridge. We had fried catfish. :'''Meatwad''': When did you have fried catfish? <hr width=50%/> :[''Frylock, Master Shake and Meatwad return home to find Carl tied up with silk, hanging from the ceiling''] :'''Frylock''': What have you done with him? :'''Mothmonsterman''': I just laid a thousand of my eggs inside his esophagus. You know, I need to propagate my species and, he's bein' a baby about it. :'''Frylock''': You know, we have a cloner. :'''Mothmonsterman''': Seriously? :[''Inside Frylock's office, a timer dings''] :'''Frylock''': Oh, no- the cloner! :'''Master Shake''': The brownies! :'''Meatwad''': My brownies! :[''Winged monsters, made from a mix of insect and brownie DNA, burst out of Frylock's office''] :'''Master Shake''': Run! To the pool! :[''Frylock, Master Shake and Meatwad run outside''] :'''Mothmonsterman''': Wait, you have a pool? [''Brownie monsters swarm the living room''] Oh, my God- :[''Out in the backyard''] :'''Frylock''': You put a brownie in my cloning device, didn't you? :'''Master Shake''': No! Yes. I don't know. Maybe! Look, that was six weeks ago! I locked the door; let 'em just duke it out. :'''Meatwad'''': You didn't lock the door, it was out in the yard...! :[''A huge swarm of brownie monsters attacks''] ===Mayhem of the Mooninites=== :'''Ignignokt''': ''(knocks on Carl's door)'' Hello, Carl. I am Ignignokt, and this is Err. :'''Err''': I am Err! :'''Ignignokt''': We are Mooninites from the inner core of the Moon. :'''Err''': You said it right! :'''Ignignokt''': Our race is hundreds of years beyond yours. :'''Err''': Man, do you hear what he's sayin'?! :'''Ignignokt''': Some would say that the Earth is our moon. :'''Err''': We're the moon. :'''Ignignokt''': But that would belittle the name of our moon... which is the Moon. :'''Err''': The point is, we're at the center. Not you! :'''Carl''': No, the real point is: I don't give a damn! ''(slams door)'' <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Your jambox is now his by way of our actions. :'''Master Shake''': Yes, Meatwad, with actions! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Err''': Shoot him the bird! :'''Ignignokt''': Yes, give him the finger. :'''Meatwad''': The finger? Like this? ''(turns into a hot-dog)'' :'''Ignignokt''': No. Not at all like that. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Err''': We smoke as we shoot the bird! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': You and your "third dimension." :'''Frylock''': Yeah? What about it? :'''Ignignokt''': Oh, nothing. It's cute. We have five. :'''Err''': Th-thousand. :'''Ignignokt''': Yes, five thousand. :'''Err''': Don't question it! :'''Frylock''': Oh yeah? Well, I only see two. :'''Ignignokt''': Well, that sounds like a personal problem. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Frylock''': I don't think Meatwad should be hanging around with these Moon people. :'''Master Shake''': I don't think I should be playing with these medium strings. I need light gauge if I'm gonna thrash! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Using keys to gouge expletives onto another's vehicle is a sign of trust and friendship. :''[Cut to Carl standing outside his house, looking at his vandalized car.]'' :'''Carl''': ''Who did this to my frickin' car!!??'' <hr width = 50% /> :'''Carl''': So maybe you be a good person to ask who wrote ''The Moon Rulez #1'', on my car, with a key! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Carl''': ''[Effortlessly dodging the Mooninites' shot]'' Nice shot there, Brick Out. ''[Unbeknownst to Carl, the shot rebounds off his house and back towards him]'' Now I want you jokers out of this- ''[The shot hits Carl and he phases out as he is transported to the moon]'' OH GOD! MY BACK! WHOOOAAAA... <hr width = 50% /> :''[Frylock has blown up the TV with his laser vision]'' :'''Ignignokt''': What was that? :'''Err''': Whoa! Did those just come out of your eyes? :'''Ignignokt''': They're primitive :'''Err''': Damn! Those are fast, man! :'''Ignignokt''': We are not impressed :'''Err''': Hey, wasn't that cool? <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': ''[Giving Frylock the finger from space]'' I hope he can see this because I'm doing it as hard as I can. <hr width+50% /> ===Balloonenstein=== :'''Carl''': Oh, sweet, sweet nectar. It's like my pool is tearin' ass around the backyard. But it's stayin' still. Still waters run deep! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Grab my potatoes, Carl! :'''Carl''': Sure, why not? <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': The real spaghetti got wet when I was boiling it so… it’s in the dryer! :'''Meatwad''':Why didn’t you say so! It's probably dry by now, so let's go get it. ''[saying as he gets into the dryer]'' Now remember, I like it spicy! :'''Shake''': Ha ha ha! So stupid! :'''Meatwad''': Hey, wait a second! Why's it spinnin'? :'''Schoolly D''': Come on, think about it, Meatwad! It's a dryer, man! Of course it's gonna spin! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Ooh. Damn! What dimension was that? Carl, your hands! :'''Carl''': Yeah, I know, I see 'em; they're very big. Well, it was fun. I'm gonna go take a nap now and then I think I'm gonna call, uh, some hospitals. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Shake, where is my popsicle? :'''Shake''': Please, wait a second... :'''Meatwad''': I require a popsicle every 15 minutes! You obviously did not read the memo! :'''Shake''': ''This'' is your memo? (''holds up a drawing'') I don't even know what this is! :'''Meatwad''': ''(zaps Shake)'' You sicken me with your lies. :'''Shake''': I'll make you some right away! :'''Meatwad''': "Make" me some? Please do not insult what little intelligence I have. I need it ''now''. :'''Shake''': Then I'll go to the store! Please sir! :'''Meatwad''': Yes you will. Now what is the magic word, '''''bitch'''''? :'''Shake''': PLEASE, let me go to the store and get popsicles for you! Thank you sire! :'''Meatwad''': That's right. ''(releases Shake; Shake runs out the door)'' You better run, boy! And bring back some chocolate syrup, too, or your fate is sealed! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Everybody hates me 'cause they die or get hurt. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Will this hurt 'im? :'''Frylock''': It shouldn't. :'''Master Shake''': Then ''why'' are we doing it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': ''[Chasing Meatwad with pencils]'' This is for shooting me in the roof and sending me to the store making me call you sire! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Go destroy Balloonenstein! :'''Meatwad''': Do what now? :'''Frylock''': Pop the balloon with the glass! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, yeah, okay. ''[long pause]'' Do what now? :'''Frylock''': Pop him with the glass! The glass in your head! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, yeah, I know. Don't yell at me! ''[pause]'' Do what now? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Damn it, he needs his brain. Otherwise he "just gonna float around forever sayin' "Do what now?" :'''Meatwad''': Do what now? :'''Master Shake''': Guess what? He's not gettin his brain back, because it is now the nerve center for the city of the future: LAS BRAINGELES! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''(now a 50 foot meatball, speaking in a booming voice)'' '''Where are my popsicles?!''' :'''Frylock''': Damn! :'''Master Shake''':''(scared)'' Is that you, God? :'''Meatwad''': '''Frylock, get away from the pool.''' :'''Frylock''': Aw, hell... ''(moves away from the pool)'' :'''Meatwad''': ''(leaps into the air)'' '''''CAN OPENER!!!!!!!!!!!''''' ===Space Conflict from Beyond Pluto=== :''(Trying to barbecue melons)'' :'''Emory''': How do want your melon? :'''Olgethorpe''': Emory, the melon's on fire! :'''Emory''': Well of course they're on fire. They're not made to be cooked. :'''Oglethorpe''': What do ''you'' know of fire? You prance around like you have laser eyes. You don't! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': I have an amazing plan to betray our new friend … hah-hah-hah! :'''Emory''': I thought the plan was to barbecue with him. :'''Oglethorpe''': Plans are for fools! When he gets here, we melt him … and laugh … on into the night! :'''Emory''': Why don't we just...talk to him and stuff? :'''Oglethorpe''': Why don't you shut up and let me do what I want for a change? <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Hey, hey, what is with all this interrogation? Let's toss the frisbee...over there ''[Points to the melting chamber]''...''WHERE WE WILL MELT YOU INTO FLUID!'' ''[begins stomping on the frisbee]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': We are on a top secret mission of world domination! :'''Frylock''': World domination? You guys couldn't take over a damn bowl of Jell-O! :'''Emory''': Hey, is that, like, an important place or something? :'''Oglethorpe''': ''[threateningly]'' Where is it? <hr width=50%/> :''[Frylock realizes that the Plutonians are complete idiots and wants to leave.]'' :'''Frylock''': Okay, look, which one of these buttons beams me out of here? :'''Oglethorpe''': Those buttons are red! You'll destroy us all! :''[Frylock pushes a button. Balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling and music plays.]'' :'''Emory''': All right, party time! :'''Oglethorpe''': Whose birthday is it? Someone gets a spanking! :''[Frylock pushes another button. Shake appears on the ship.]'' :'''Shake''': Hey, happy birthday! Hey, who's the lucky boy? :'''Frylock''': Shake, how did you get in this beam? :'''Shake''': Look, that beam came from space. You don't own space, so stop acting like you do. <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': You might be interested to know that we are just about to destroy your planet! :'''Master Shake''': Oh, go ahead, I'm not there, ah, it's fine. <hr width=50%/> :'''Emory''': You really think we need to blow up their planet? :'''Oglethorpe''': That's what I said, blow it up! Let's blow it up! :'''Emory''': Alright, fine. :''[Oglethorpe pushes a button. Balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling and music plays again.]'' :'''Emory''': ...Did it blow up, man? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': You cannot cut someone's lawn with matches, Meatwad! :'''Meatwad''': Look, I know that. You gotta have gasoline, otherwise how's it gonna spread to the street? :'''Carl''': ''(banging on the Aqua Teen's door)'' Open this damn door now! :'''Meatwad''': Oh, is he mad? Don't open it. :'''Carl''': I heard that! Open this door! <hr width=50%/> :''[the Plutonians have put Shake in the melting chamber.]'' :'''Emory''': Why isn't he melting? I mean, the beam's supposed to be on. :'''Oglethorpe''': Well, it's not! I'm looking right at it and it's not on. :'''Emory''': Maybe we need the remote. :'''Oglethorpe''': Well, maybe you shouldn't have run the melter through the VCR, Scheisskopf! :'''Emory''': Well, maybe it's 'cause you said "I want all meltings to be taped", even though you never watch 'em! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': '''''NOW, WHERE'S THAT DAMN REMOTE?!?!''''' <hr width=50%/> :''[Shake accidentally fires off an escape pod holding the Plutonians' remote control]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': What in the hell was that?! :'''Emory''': That was the, uh...escape pod. :'''Oglethorpe''': Damn it! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Stop pressing the buttons in there! :'''Shake''': This whole ship's a bunch of buttons! And I'm done with this Redbook, I was done with it the minute I saw it. And I'm hungry! :'''Oglethorpe''': You will eat what we say! :'''Emory''': You will eat ''when'' we say. That's right. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Uh, Shake... :'''Shake''': What do you want? :'''Frylock''': Carl is here... :'''Shake''': How did you get this--I'm not here! :''[At the Aqua Teens' house, Frylock, Carl, and Meatwad are watching Shake on the computer.]'' :'''Carl''': Oh, you're not there? :'''Shake''': Hello, Carl. :'''Carl''': Hey, buddy, how ya doin' there? Pizza Land, huh? That's lots of fun. Hey, uh, I wanted to let you know that '''''YOU BURNED MY FRICKIN' HOUSE DOWN!!!!!!!!!!''''' :'''Shake''': But the grass is gone--- :'''Carl''': Oh yea the grass is gone, just like how your face is gonna be gone after I '''SHOVE IT IN A PASTRAMI SLICER!!!''' <hr width=50%/> :''[Shake has asked for a new virtual environment. He appears in what appears to be a live-action park. He finds himself next to a horse.]'' :'''Female Computer Voice''': Welcome to this horse's anus. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[after Carl's house has burned down]'' Hey Carl, you want me to shampoo the rug? :'''Carl''': What's the frickin' point, Meatman? :'''Meatwad''': So you can give me some money. <hr width=50%/> :''[The Plutonians enact a plan to get rid of Shake]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, look over there! One hundred dollars! On the wing of the ship! :'''Shake''': ''[Shoves Oglethorpe out of the way]'' Oh, that's mine! I dropped it! Now where is it again? :'''Oglethorpe''': Right there. Do you see it? It's there. :'''Shake''': Why, this could be very dangerous. I...I should go. :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, would you? Please save us...from all the money. :''[Cut to Shake in a pod in space, looking for the money]'' :'''Shake''': Shake to ship! I'm still not seeing it! :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, you can't see it? Well, let me turn on the light for you! :''[the ship flies away, sending Shake spinning to Earth.]'' :'''Shake''': Wait! :'''Oglethorpe''': Jackass! <hr width=50%/> :''[Carl is holding a tire iron.]'' :'''Carl''': Hey, buddy! :'''Shake''': Hey, Carl! Hey! Lawn looks great! :'''Carl''': Likin' it? :'''Shake''': Why's your house all curled up? :'''Carl''': I don't know, I was hoping maybe we could have a little dialogue about that. :'''Shake''': Hey, that's a nice tire iron, Carl. Is that yours? :'''Carl''': Yeah, let me get in there and show you the finish on it. Up close. :''[Carl gets in the pod. The door closes.]'' :'''Carl''': Taste the chrome! :''[Carl proceeds to brutalize Shake. The pod falls over.]'' ===Ol' Drippy=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen, be- :'''Steve''': Uhh, you know, you can just call me Steve. I mean, there's no one else here. :''[The creature from the black lagoon suddenly appears behind Steve]'' :'''Steve''': Right? :'''Dr. Weird''': MY MIND! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': You ever hear of a refrigerator, or a frickin' trash can?! :'''Master Shake''': No. :'''Frylock''': You got three raw chickens in here on the floor! A dog wouldn't even take a crap in here! :'''Master Shake''': Look, just take the hose and lightly spray everything out the back door. :'''Frylock''': No, no ''MY ASS, YOU WILL!'' :'''Master Shake''': Drape a tarp over it. :'''Frylock''': Oh no you're not! You're gonna go to the damn store and get some cleaning supplies! :'''Meatwad''': What's goin' on? :'''Master Shake''': Look at this mess! Did you do this? ''[long pause]'' Fine, alright!. I'll do it, but it's my decision to do this, I declare it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Schooly D''': Yo, man. I think that mold is a-movin'. If it move one more time, I’m gettin' my gat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': This here's Vanessa. I know she looks like an apple, but she's actually a full-grown woman, and she fell in love with her boyfriend, Dewey, here, and they go off into outer space and then they... they get married. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''':(angrily enters the house) Where's Meatwad?! :'''Frylock:''' What're you doing with that gutter? :'''Master Shake:''' What're you doin' with that beard, huh? Answer that, scientist! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': My telescope! And you've ruined it! How will I ever see the stars again? :'''Meatwad''': This ain't no telescope, it's Dewey. He's an engineer, and he works on the Supertrain. :'''Master Shake''': He does what?! You've got mental problems. ''[Hits Meatwad repeatedly with gutter]'' Taste the chrome! :'''Ol' Drippy''': ''[walking in with the "doll"]'' What's it taste like? :'''Master Shake''': Your mother's... ''[sees Ol' Drippy for the first time]'' AAAHHHH, MONSTER!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Did you see a woman in a bikini with a six-pack of beer and a surfboard come in here? :'''Frylock''': Was it made of cardboard, used to be up at the liquor store? :'''Carl''': Uhh...no. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': You two-timin' bitch! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Ohhh, she smells like dead mushrooms and cheeseburger meat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ol' Drippy''': Idle hands spend time at the genitals, and you know how much God hates that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frylock has suggested that Shake be "polite"; Shake intentionally knocks Ol' Drippy's latte out of his "hand".]'' :'''Shake''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to knock that out of your hand, I don't know what came over me! There, was that polite enough for you, Frylock?! I'm apologizing to your best friend in the whole universe! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': Shake, what is wrong with you? :'''Master Shake''': What's wrong with ''you''? Hey, why don't you go kiss your new best friend, you love him so damn much! I'm the one who cleaned the kitchen. I'm the authority! :'''Carl''': ''[at the door]'' Someone wanna tell me why my pool is full of hotdog chunks and dirty dishes? :'''Master Shake''': Oh Carl, you didn't mess with it did ya? Cause it's gotta set up for a couple days with the battery. :'''Carl''': The battery? :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, you know, the one from your car. I dumped some shampoo in there too, but it's dog shampoo so I dunno if it's gonna work, but were prayin' like hell that it does. :'''Carl''': No, no, no, I understand, I understand. I'm just gonna go, I'll be back in a few. You uh, you think that the gun store is still open? :'''Ol' Drippy''': Carl, please, I'll take care of the mess. He means well, he's just a little... well, I'd better not say. :'''Master Shake''': What? I'm a little what? :'''Carl''': Thank you, Drippy. You are very well-mannered and very nice. ''[To Master Shake]'' And ''you'' oughta take lessons from him! :'''Frylock''': [agreeing with Carl] That's right! :'''Meatwad''': [agreeing with both Frylock and Carl] Yeah, Shake. That's right! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': Oh yeah, he's nice now, but don't come looking for me when he's burying your bodies out in the desert. <hr width+50%/> [Meatwad kicks out Shake] :'''Meatwad''': Well, get out of here! What are you waiting on? I’m gonna chase you outta here! [Sidewalk at night. Shake is in the rain] :'''Shake''':[Making a post-and-lintel structure out of sofa cushions] That’s good. Okay, that’s all right. That looks good. Hey, who says I couldn’t do this, huh?[Lightning strikes the sofa cushions apart] AAAAHHH! Let me in! Will you let me in, dammit! I mean, guys! Hey-hey! Somebody wanna let me in, please?[Frylock goes to open the door for Shake] :'''Frylock''': Well, Shake! I thought you moved. :'''Shake''': What?! I never said that! Who said that!?(He starts coughing) :'''Ol Drippy''': Oh my. You’re burning up. :'''Shake''': Yes, I’m very... sick.(He coughs some more) :'''Ol Drippy''': Frylock, he needs medical help. :'''Frylock''': He needs an ass-whooping is what he needs. :'''Ol Drippy''': There’s no time! Here Shake, eat my head! :'''Shake''': Here! Kiss my ass! Forget about it!! :'''Ol Drippy''': I’m serious. Coat me with ranch. Chase me with cheese if you must, I don’t care. It’s the only way. :'''Frylock''': Drippy, don’t! What are you doing? :'''Meatwad''': Don’t do that, that’s going to hurt you! :'''Ol Drippy''': I’m saving his life! I’m half penicillin! :'''Frylock''': Well, I have some penicillin in my lab if that’s what this is all about. :'''Ol Drippy''': Oh, really? Well then, just give him some of that man, I mean- :'''Shake''': No, wait. Now, hold on a minute, I- I kind of like the taste of your head. I mean, you said it was the only way, right?(coughs again) :'''Meatwad''': Where are you going, Drippy? I- I love you! :'''Ol Drippy''': I'm going away for a while, Meatwad. And I may never come back. But I'll always be here, inside. :'''Shake''': Yeah, in my stomach, baby. :'''Ol' Drippy''': Close your eyes, Meatwad. ''[Shake takes a big bite out of Ol' Drippy]'' AAH! :'''Shake''': Leave your eyes open, Meatwad. I wanna horrify you into a coma. <hr width+50%/> :''[Shake is eating fried chicken in the pool after Drippy got hit by a truck while saving his life]'' :'''Shake''': Look...he pushed me. :'''Fryock''': He pushed you out of the way of that truck. :'''Shake''': Listen...he's in a better place. :'''Frylock''': He's in the ''grill'' of the truck! :'''Meatwad''': He was my best friend. :'''Shake''': Ah, well then you should know something. When he was pushing me...he mentioned something about not liking you. :'''Frylock''': Ah, man. :'''Shake''': I clearly heard it. :'''Meatwad''': Did he really? :'''Shake''': That stuck out. :'''Meatwad''': Well...I guess I'll have one of those wings then. Gimme one. :'''Shake''': ''[Throws a wing towards Meatwad]'' Here, fetch. :'''Meatwad''': Where's the meat?! This is a bone! :'''Shake''': Go make a doll out of that! ===Revenge of the Mooninites=== :'''Meatwad''': How am I ever gonna win that ten speed? :'''Master Shake''': How are you ever gonna ride a ten speed with no frickin' legs?! You're just gonna bust the ass that you don't even have! Who bothered to spawn you...and ''why''?! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Fryman, we're full of religion. Everyone, please, bow your heads and pretend to be serious. :'''Err''': Do it or I'll bow 'em for ya! :''[Frylock throws the Mooninites out of the house]'' :'''Ignignokt''': You have deeply offended us and our god, and our god is a god of vengeance...and horror :'''Err''': And action! :'''Ignignokt''': Our god is an Indian that turns into a wolf :'''Err''': That's [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wolfen_(film) Wolfen], man. :'''Ignignokt''': Well...the Wolfen will come for you with his razor. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Meatwad''': I do not want to do anything illegal here, but I would kill somebody in front of their own mama to get a ten speed and if anybody testifies against me, I'll gouge their eyes out. :'''Err''': Let's go get drunk and rip off a ten speed! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, we'll get a basket and a horn on the handle. :'''Err''': Then we'll set it on fire and wreck it into children and laugh at their parents and then we'll...get on the... ohh man, I'm toasted! :'''Ignignokt''': The innocent shall suffer... big time. <hr width = 50% /> :''[Ignignokt shows Carl the Foreigner Belt]'' :'''Carl''': Wait a second...is that from the '83 tour? Yeah! I saw those guys in the Meadow Lands with Bryan Adams! That was a kickass show! I totally copped this feel off this passed out broad when they were playing ''Urgent''. Every time I hear ''Urgent'' on the radio I think of that girl's boobs and...covered in vomit. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Meatwad''': Oh, yeah baby! That's a neat car she's washin'! You think that's a straight six? :'''Err''': I think I ''have'' a straight six! :'''Ignignokt''': Ooh, Err, your sexual innuendo is priceless! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Torch the dresser, Meatwad. :'''Meatwad''': But, this is where Carl keeps his clothes. :'''Ignignokt''': Look, these women don't have any clothes and they're not complaining. :'''Err''': Yeah, man. They're kissin' each other! :'''Ignignokt''': And you want Carl to be forever kissed, don't you? :'''Meatwad''': Well, I guess so.. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Your neighbor Carl was gracious enough to let us rip him off and burn his furniture for no reason. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Carl''': I don't need no instructions to know how to rock! ===MC Pee Pants=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen, behold! My beautiful fiancée! :'''Steve''': Uh, I think that's a giant spider. :''[MC Pee Pants grabs Dr. Weird and starts to mangle him]'' :'''Dr. Weird''': You're right! I've been betrayed! Run! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''':'' [listening to Bach]'' Yeah, now listen to ''that'' beat. Now that's a kickin' glissando! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': I like beatings, I'll beat ya all day! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Hey, which one of you guys has been playin' "I Like Candy", for a ''frickin' week''?!?! :'''Frylock''': It was your other neighbor. :'''Shake''': Meatwad. :'''Carl''': You know what? At this point, it doesn't matter, 'cause it keeps runnin' inside my head and it won't leave unless I blow it out, with a bullet! :'''Master Shake''': ''[notices Carl's mouth is full]'' What you eating there, Carl? ''(walks over to him)'' You gonna show me some love? :'''Carl''': Jawbreakers. For some reason, I can't get enough of 'em. :'''Master Shake''': Is that why your teeth are blue? :'''Carl''': Uh... no. :'''Master Shake''': Oh. Uh... So, why are you... :'''Carl''': Shut up. ''[brief silence, then begins singing]'' I like candy, bubblegum and ta--''DAMN IT!!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Trick or treat, smell my meat...''[Carl shuts the door]]'' ...Ah, man. :'''Carl''': ''[Opens the door]'' Look, Meatman, what are you doing trick-or-treatin'?! It's frickin' May. :'''Meatwad''': Look, I need candy. Now, are you going to give me some, or are you going to lose some teeth? :'''Carl''': I know, I've only heard your little song a thousand times! Now I need candy and I don't know why. :'''Meatwad''': Shhh... I don't listen to that kiddie crap any more, I'm check'n the adult jams now, see, check it. MC Pee Pants don't just want candy now, that's childish, he ''needs'' it. And when you need something that's a responsibility, that only only an adult... of my maturity... bunnies! :'''Carl''': Yeah, I got a deal at the dumpster, I mean, warehouse. Yeah, you might want to wipe the juice off 'em. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': You know Meatwad and Carl have been hanging out quite a bit lately. :'''Shake''': What, you want 'em to stop? ''(yelling out the front door)'' Rape, rape, oh rape! :'''Frylock''': No, no, no, it's fine, it's fine, but don't think it's a little bit weird that they started washing the car at midnight...and they're still doing it? :'''Shake''': Look, people do things, it's a fact. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': Shake, did you hear this lyric? About drilling a hole straight to hell, and releasing demons to create a global diet pill pyramid scheme?! :'''Master Shake''': Eh, I don't know. All that rap is is clicks and whistles. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': 612 Wharf Avenue? I know where that is, that's the, uh, abandoned warehouse next to Melon Shakers...th-the Gentlemen's Club. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': I should not walk so a child may live. ''[pause]'' That's what it does. :'''Frylock''': Get up! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Why aren't your lips moving? :'''MC Pee Pants''': Look, my shniggys, I had a strizzoke in my brizzain, okay? You know what I'm sayin'? So I can't move all good. Thanks for bringing that up, thank you very much! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': You're all the things that are in this ad: you're energetic, hard-working, you like people— :'''MC Pee Pants''': No, I love the liquid ''inside'' people. How many times I gotta tell you this, man? I'm insane! I eat people-juice. No one's gonna hire a people-juice eater! <hr width="50%"/> :''[in hell]'' :'''MC Pee Pants''': Hey guys. Hey man, who's into rap yo? :'''Satan''': Now you listen to me scab! We listen to speed metal! :'''MC Pee Pants''': Hey man it's cool. ''[Satan blasts MC P Pants with fire]'' AAAHH! :'''Satan''': No, it isn't! ===Dumber Dolls=== :'''Dr Weird''': Gentleman, behold. My time space contin- ''[freezes]'' :'''Steve''': What? ''[long pause]'' Uhhh....Dr. Weird? ''[pushes over Dr. Weird, and he explodes]'' See you later have a good weekend! <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': ''[After running over Meatwad's toys with a lawnmower]'' Hey, your astronauts better watch where they land their ship next time, 'cause they might get ''overrun'' by the alien life form, hahaha! :'''Meatwad''': They don't use ships, they use rocket boots. :'''Shake''': They don't use nothin' now, do they? <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': No, no I don't have a firearm, I just got these...action bills. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Frylock, where are the pills? :'''Frylock''': Pills? What do you need pills for? :'''Meatwad''': Well, Happy-Time Harry needs 'em. He says that the pills make the phone calls go away. :'''Frylock''': ''[Writes on a post-it note]'' Alright Meatwad, this is a prescription from Dr. Frylock for Jolly Sunshine Happiness! :'''Meatwad''': Oh, you think this is a game?! They're gonna garnish his wages and how's he gonna pay child support then, huh? I'll tell ya, he ain't! <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Look man, all you had was root beer and triple sec. :'''Frylock''': I was gonna make margaritas with that! :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Ah man, you had tequila the whole time?! Well, where the...where is it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': ''[To Meatwad]'' Tomorrow I'm getting you a new doll with a sunnier attitude! :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Hey man, while you're there, you get me that Happy-Time Dialysis Machine. :'''Frylock''': Dialysis? :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Yeah. I had half my liver removed and I'm not supposed to drink, but...I do. <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Go ahead, man. Let's do this thing. :'''Master Shake''': I told you I'd do it, I'm gonna do it now. Hey Meatwad, look at this! ''[With Shake turned away, Harry pours gasoline over himself]'' Come to the window! Big time fun... you know what I mean? :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Okay dude, I just did all the prep work, now let's get it on! DO IT! :'''Master Shake''': Well.. shoot... I mean I was just going to sort of blow your jaw off with a firecracker or something.. I wasn't gonna.. I think I need to go pray. :''[Cut to Meatwad's room]'' :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Yo, that milkshake's got no guts, man. :'''Meatwad:''' You know, Happy-Time...Just being around you kinda makes me wanna die... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jiggle Billy:''' So... ''[dances]'' we jigglin' or- :'''Happy-Time Harry:''' Hey! Backwoods retard. Not now, not ever! :'''Jiggle Billy:''' Okay! Naptime! ''[dances]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry:''' You know, sometimes I like to take this knife and just...cut myself. ''[Chuckles]'' See how hard I can do it before I just...pass out, man. :'''Jiggle Billy:''' Shoo...well, uhh...commence the jigglin' y'all! <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Hey, check it out, man. You know why you came in that box, right? That's 'cause someone put you there...to die. :'''Jiggle Billy''': That ain't true now. I...I got me these night-vision goggles ''[Puts the goggles on]'' :'''Happy-Time Harry''': ''[Knocks the goggles off]'' For what? You're a hillbilly! You don't even know who you are, do you? Look at you, you're a clown. You're a joke. :'''Jiggle Billy''': ''[Pathetically]'' I don't know why I have these goggles. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock:''' You’re gonna chuck him off a cliff? Shake, we could have chucked him off the roof and stayed at home. :'''Master Shake:''' No, This is a magic cliff here, like in The [[w:Highlander_(film)|Highlander]]. So, you will become The Highlander, and you’ll roam the earth forever, trying to kill yourself, but you wouldn’t be able to, because you’ll be…immortal. Won’t that suck, little man? [laughs] :'''Meatwad:''' Well actually, That sounds kinda cool. :'''Master Shake:''' Yeah, it does. :'''Meatwad:''' Then I’m gonna do it. :'''Master Shake:''' NO, YOU’RE NOT! I’m doing it! :'''Frylock:''' Shake, Wait! The Highlander was just a movie. I mean :'''Master Shake:''' Oh Frylock, The Highlander was a documentary, and the events happen in real time. :'''Meatwad:''' So, this cliff is magic? :'''Master Shake:''' Oh yeah, Big time. :'''Meatwad:''' I’m doing it now. :'''Happy-Time Harry''': No man, Look you gotta be born a Highlander, You can’t just…become one. :'''Frylock:''' See, he saw the movie too. :'''Meatwad:''' You know, that’s right. :'''Master Shake:''' I know, I saw cliffs, Okay. And there’s lots of magic everywhere…And Mel Gibson. :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Uhh, [[w:Braveheart|Braveheart]]? Hello? :'''Master Shake:''' Oh, You think you’re the expert? Lets see how much your ass know about FLYING! [throws Happy-Time off a cliff.] Yeah! that’s what I’m talking about. :'''Frylock:''' You done? Because that took forever... :'''Master Shake:''' I am-Well I am foreverrr.....I AM IMMORTAL!!! :'''Frylock:''' Shake, No! ''[Master Shake jumps off the cliff, his straw clinging to a branch]'' :'''Master Shake:''' Damn branch…Wait! I'm not immortal here, Okay? :'''Frylock:''' Hang on Shake, we'll call for help! :'''Meatwad:''' No, tell him to let go. :'''Master Shake:''' Yeah, Hurry! I think that the branch will hold for... ''[branch breaks]'' IT'S NOT HOLDING!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': (Floating in the pool with Meatwad) So, I guess the Highlander comes out of traction today. :'''Meatwad''': Well, I hoped they fixed his eyes. They got messed up pretty bad in that fall. :'''Frylock''': Well, the doctors gave him some hard plastic replacements, So don't stare at them, Okay? He’s real self conscious about it. :'''Meatwad:''' Okay. :'''Shake''': (comes in on wheelchair with large eyes) Alas, I return. :'''Frylock''': Oh! There you are! :'''Master Shake:''' Where are you? :'''Meatwad''': Dang! What happened to your eyes?! They look weird. :'''Frylock''': Shhh! :'''Shake''': Oh, shut up! “There can be, only one!” (Lifts up a sword and lightning strikes it, and then he drops it and falls out of the chair and is set on fire). :'''Meatwad''': We grillin' tonight. ===Bad Replicant=== :''[Dr. Weird is hanging upside-down.]'' :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen! Chop off my head with such velocity that my blood will rocket through my neck, and propel my lifeless body, all the way to Phoenix! :'''Steve''': Wow. Uh, what's in Phoenix? :'''Dr. Weird''': Why, it's your mama, Steve! Get the axe! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Look at it [the Earth] out there. Orbiting like it's so cool. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Look at him and tell me there's a God. :'''Meatwad''': He made me in His own image. :'''Master Shake''': Oh, yeah, God's a big meatball, I forgot. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha. :'''Meatwad''': He is. :'''Master Shake''': Does he stink like you do? <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, that's right. And he ain't my best friend, neither. He yells at me and scares me and locks me in the attic, and pours liquid on my head that stink, and freeze me with the fire extinguisher, and a whole bunch of other stuff I can't remember 'cause he shocked me in the head with a car battery. ''[pause]'' With a bunch of clamps, and sparks, and ... <hr width=50%/> :'''Emory''': Yeah, hey Oglethorpe, do you remember this guy [Shake]? :'''Oglethorpe''': I'm starting to. :'''Emory''': And how annoying he was. :'''Oglethorpe''': Yes, and how he scoffed at our magazines! :'''Emory''': So, uh, what were we gonna do with him? :'''Ogletorpe''': ...We shall use him for the armies ... of the night! :'''Emory''': But I thought the guy down there was going to build an army ... of the night. :'''Oglethorpe''': Different army dorkface! This army will take over the rest of the galaxy! You see how my mind works? It's like a laser! :'''Shake''': You know, I know you from somewere. :'''Oglethorpe''': He must not know who we are. Quick, paint the Mind Room! :'''Emory''': Uh, I'm still not done with the trim on that. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Oh, you're ki — Meatwad, it's not polite to stare. :'''Meatwad''': But, look at him. :'''Major Shake''': No, it's okay, I know. I'm totally, hideous. :'''Meatwad''': No i-it's cool, I was just wondering if that jambox worked, you know. Shake threw mine in a cobra cage, and dared me to go get it, and that's why I'm all puffy back here. <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, well son of a … imprison him within the rings! :''[Disco light rings come down around Shake.]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': You'll never move from that spot again, unless you like being cut in half! :''[The phone rings. Shake reaches through the rings to answer it.]'' :'''Master Shake''': Yelloo? :'''Oglethorpe''': The laser rings! :'''Master Shake''': Look, brother, these ain't nothin but disco lights. :'''Emory''': No, the installer said that they were imprison laser rings, and I, I believed him. :'''Oglethorpe''': Don't listen to him, for he is a witch! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Look, look, settle down, can you just maybe try and replicate some other people, and get an army going and then take over the entire planet. :'''Emory''': Or is that not possible. :'''Major Shake''': Well I don't know, I don't think I can replicate others, was that your plan? :'''Oglethorpe''': Well, one of them. We have many plans. :'''Major Shake''': Well maybe your next plan should be to tell me what the plan is. :'''Oglethorpe''': Look, settle down. It's all cool. :'''Major Shake''': No. No. Look at me dude. I'm a leaky, disgusting, abomination and I'm not going to do it anymore. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Did they not see us sitting here? :'''Major Shake''': No, I'm sure it'll come to them. :''(On the ship)'' :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, damn it! :'''Emory''': What? :'''Oglethorpe''': That was that man, the fry-man! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': So, is he like replicating it? :'''Frylock''': No, he's hotwiring it. :'''Meatwad''': Oh, shoot I was hoping I'd learn something. Science is a mystery to man, isn't it Frylock? :'''Frylock''': Yeah it sure is Meatwad... :'''Meatwad''': Like how we all evolved from the ancient dinosaur. I wish I had some of their stuff boy. Like them tail. Them tails that make 'em fly. :'''Frylock''': Shut up, Damn! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': So, did they, um … ever find your car? :'''Carl''': Oh, they found part of it, you know, hang'n from a trestle near the turnpike. Yeah the cops said he had a … a "straw-like protrusion" and a "cup-like body." You know anybody like 'at? :'''Frylock''': Uh, well, it wasn't Shake, Carl. He was abducted by aliens earlier this afternoon. :'''Carl''': Oh, I knew that. Yeah, of course. :'''Frylock''': He was … seriously. :'''Carl''': I hate you! <hr width=50%/> :'''Emory''': So, what are we gonna do with the prisoner? :'''Oglethorpe''': We shall ask the mighty Orbnauticus. :''[A disco ball comes down from the ceiling.]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': Orbnauticus, we seek wisdom. To what evil purpose shall we put our slave to use? <hr width+50%/> ===Circus=== :'''Shake''': Meatwad, get in this bag! :'''Frylock''': What?! :'''Shake''': What? I got airholes... it's a joke, it'a joke, ha ha, don't get in that bag, you little meat. :''[cut to Shake and Meatwad in an alley]'' :'''Shake''': Now you stay in that bag! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': So is this where the camp is? :'''Shake''': Yes, now gimme a hug. But, keep the bag on, okay? :'''Meatwad''': Smells like vomit. :'''Shake''': Shut up! The counselor is about the counsel you, and he will send you right back home if you talk and you'll never learn RAM! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Okay Shake, see you in a week. :'''Shake''': Yeah, I'll see you in a week. In hell! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Hey Randy, I don't know what's going on, but can I trade bunks? 'Cause my roommate's...wha- are those his organs? :'''Randy''': Oh that's Inside-Out Boy. His mouth is in his belly, so he's gotta slap at his vocal chords with his bladder in order to make words. :'''Meatwad''': ...I-I-I don't like this camp. Can I go home now? :'''Randy''': GROW INTO A MOUNTAIN DAMNIT! Terrify me! :'''Meatwad''': Now see, I don't do that but I can do this (turns into a hotdog) and this. (turns into a igloo) Ta-da! :'''Randy''': Ripped off again. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Hey, where's Meat Mountain there? :'''Frylock''': You mean Meatwad. :'''Carl''': Oh no, they were callin' 'im Meat Mountain last night. :'''Shake''': Okay, I'm gonna go. :'''Frylock''': You're not going anywhere Shake. :'''Carl''': Yeah, ya gotta come check this out man. Igloo, hot dog, igloo, that bit. But the whole time the stripper's shakin' it in front of 'im. :'''Frylock''': My goodness! Where was this?! :'''Carl''': The warehouse in front of Girls For You, you know, the lingerie modeling place. :'''Frylock''': Uh, no, I don't know Carl. :'''Carl''': Well-ell, twenty bucks, twenty minutes. I'm tellin' ya, one Friday night, you and me Fry-man, blow the lid off the joint! Yeah-heh! :'''Frylock''': I don't think so Carl. :'''Carl''': What, you gay? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': You sold Meatwad to the circus, didn't you?! :'''Shake''': Every day I buy and sell people like you! But no, I did not do that. But based on what I'm hearing here, someone may have. :'''Frylock''': How much, Shake? :'''Shake''': Two. :'''Frylock''': Two? Two what? :'''Shake''': Two dollars. What? What's wrong with that? :''[cut to Shake, Frylock, and Carl at the circus, where Shake sees the price of admission]'' :'''Shake''': Two dollars and fifty cents! Are they out of their minds?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Look, I don't work my ass off for twenty hours a week so I can throw my money away, that's wasteful! These bills are strictly for me to kiss...and slip in some stripper's underwear, so come on! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Wow, the crowd is really getting off on this. :'''Carl''': Well, that's great. I'm so happy for 'em. Where are the strippers?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Yeah, you the supervisor? Where were the strippers? :'''Randy''': Didn't need 'em. Meat Mountain pulls in the crowd all by himself. :'''Carl''': Well you give me back my $2.50, 'cause I ain't payin' for something that happens every day on the hood of my car! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Randy, he ''[Shake]'' ain't from space. :'''Randy''': Yeah, I know little guy, cause I'm the prince of Jupiter. :'''Meatwad''': You never told me that. :'''Randy''': See, years ago my dad sent me down here to conquer your species by ''infiltrating'' your gene pool, know what I mean? ''[chuckles]'' Know what I mean? :'''Meatwad''': No :'''Randy''': Well...when a man and woman love each other...physically...outside of a bar. :'''Meatwad''': Which bar? <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Listen to me Randy, it doesn't matter if you're white, or black, or a sasquatch even. As long as you follow your dreams, no matter how crazy or against the law it is. Except for sasquatch, if you're a sasquatch the rules are different. :'''Randy''': Forget it Meatwad, I'm a circus freak, and that's all I'll ever be. :'''Meatwad''': ...Whatever. <hr width=50%/> :''[Shake comes disguised As Meatwad]'' :'''Shake''': Hey, look at me! I'm stupid as hell, I can't even breathe properly, let alone read! What's that? :'''Randy''': And now.. the Amazing Arctic Igloo! :'''Shake''': What?! :'''Frylock''': Yeah, turn into that Igloo! :'''Carl''': Take your top off!! :'''Frylock''': Carl... :'''Randy''': Yeah..so..where is that, Milkshake? :'''Shake''': Well I uh.. ''(takes off his costume and shows it's really him in disguise with hair under his eyes)'' Look it's the Amazing Milkshake with the Bearded Eyes!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': And I'll tell you something else Frylock, I did not see one computer in that whole camp. :'''Frylock''': Yeah, yeah. Say, have you noticed that Indian burial ground that's coming up through our drain again? :'''Meatwad''': Nah, that's Inside-out Boy. He just needs a place to stay for a few days. :'''Shake''': Whoo, I just ate a whole bathtub full of cherry cobbler. It was delicious. :'''Meatwad''': ...You're joking, right? :'''Shake''': No, I'm not. :'''Meatwad''': ...NOOOOOOOOO!!! <hr width+50%/> ===Love Mummy=== <hr width=50%/> :''[Mummy is yelling in the basement]'' :'''Frylock''': Shake? ''[Yelling Continues]'' Shake! Turn those damn monster movies down-- ''[Notices nobody in the living room]'' Shake? :''[Master Shake and Meatwad enter living room]'' :'''Master Shake''': Who's watching my TV? Because I... :'''Meatwad''': I bought the damn TV! :'''Frylock''': Will you two shut up and listen? ''[Yelling Continues]'' It sounds like it's coming from the floor. :'''Master Shake''': ''[beats the floor with a broomstick]'' Will you SHUT UP?! You hear me?! It's three o'clock in the morning and I need to sleep! ''[Frylock knocks him out with chloroform]'' :'''Meatwad''': Hey, can I have some of that? :'''Frylock''': Just go to sleep and we'll deal with it in the morning. :'''Meatwad''': Yeah sure, I'll just go to sleep and tomorrow morning I'm gonna call me a social worker. ''[Frylock prepares a dose of chloroform]'' And tell him I'm in unfit living conditions and the city will be over here so fast tha-- oh. ''[Knocked out by chloroform]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': No, here's a better idea: Hell no. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Why does he get a lobster? :'''Frylock''': 'Cause he's the mummy, damn it! Now shut up! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Do you know what time it is, huh? It's 2:30 in the afternoon, and people are trying to sleep. ''[Notices the mummy]'' Whose mummy? :'''Frylock''': I found it in the crawlspace. :'''Master Shake''': So you were the one doing all the moaning when I was trying to sleep, huh? :''[Mummy giggles]'' :'''Master Shake''': Shake, you don't wanna piss him off. He has the power to curse you. :'''Meatwad''': Do it, Shake. Piss him off. :'''Master Shake''': I'll do what I want, when I want, and how I want, and no mummy— you hear me, Band-Aid... :'''Meatwad''': Here it comes. :'''Master Shake''': No mummy is gonna tell me what to do. :'''Mummy''': Curse! Curse! CURSE! :'''Meatwad''': Oh, damn. :'''Master Shake''': You done? We all done... :'''Mummy''': CURSE! :'''Master Shake''': Now are you done? :'''Mummy''': Yes. :'''Master Shake''': Cause I'm done listening to you. I got a curse for you. It's called, "tomorrow morning, your ass is outta here." I'm going back to bed! :'''Mummy''': Curse. :'''Master Shake''': I heard it already! I know! It's a friggin' curse! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Shake, I think he may have cursed you. :'''Master Shake''': ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, je-ya think? Cuz, I mean, he only said it about a thousand times! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': (reading) "The curse of the mummy is just a figure of speech. Vomiting locusts for a thousand years is just an old wives tale. The ''real'' curse of the mummy is that he is completely socially inept, devoid of all manners, gold-digging, manipulative, and a selfish brat. Don't ever wake him unless you have a lot of time and money on your hands. Thank you for buying ''Mummies for Dummies''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': ''[Wearing the Mummy's Hat]'' I'm the King! King Carl! :'''Mummy''': ''[Yelling in the Background]'' :'''Carl''': ''[Mimicing Egyptian Music]'' Da da da da daaa, you know I'm your ruler! :'''Mummy''': CURSE! CUUURSE! :'''Carl''': Huh hun huh hee, yeah ''[Mummy continuing to yell]'' SHUT UP! <hr width+50%/> ===Dumber Days=== :'''Meatwad''': Shoot, I'm so dumb as hell I'll never get hired in today's fast-paced world. I'm just gonna go inside and wait for my body to die. :'''Schoolly D''': ''[Narrating]'' Aw, c'mon Meatwad, you can't be that dumb. :''[Pan to Meatwad inside Carl's bedroom]'' :'''Meatwad''': What, is this not my room? :'''Carl''': What do you think? :'''Meatwad''': ......Yes? :''[Carl throws Meatwad out the window]'' :'''Schoolly D''': Well, damn. Maybe Meatwad ''is'' that dumb. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Wait a second. This ain't no brain, this is a damn bee's nest. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': A book?! No sir! Shake says that books is from the devil, and that TV is twice as fast. :'''Frylock''': Twice as fast at what? :'''Meatwad''': Information. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[Reading from ''"The Tiniest Bullfrog"'']'' Jeremy the Bullfrog lived in a tiny swamp on the edge of town. Every day he would dream of playing professional basketball. But he lived in a swamp, far away from the city lights and a major market team. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': One look at Niels Bohr's atomic model makes it abundantly clear that there is a way to pass through solid matter. So in summation, we can have our daily tea-party in the fifth dimension. :'''Frylock''': Knock-knock. Well, I hope I'm--OH MY GOD! :''[Meatwad is about 10-15 times his usual size]'' :'''Meatwad''': Frylock, what a pleasant surprise. I'm just finishing up my symposium. You've met my colleagues, Professor Vanessa and Dr. Dewey. :'''Frylock''': Yeah, what happened to your body, man?! :'''Meatwad''': Well, it's obvious, isn't it? Thermal expansion. :'''Frylock''': No, it's not thermal expansion. I know what thermal expansion is. :'''Meatwad''': Okay, fine, I'm sure that you do. Let's see.. how can I explain this without blowing your mind. :'''Frylock''': Oh yes, please. Dumb it down for me. :'''Meatwad''': Heisenburg's Uncertainty Principle tells us that at a specific curvature of space, knowledge can be transferred into energy-- :'''Frylock''': Heisenburg's Uncertainty--! :'''Meatwad''': ...and this is key now...matter. :'''Frylock''': No it does not! :'''Meatwad''': Well, some people struggle with Heisenburg. ''[pulls out a yo-yo]'' Look, here's a toy. It goes up and down on a string. Doesn't that look like fun? :'''Frylock''': ''[knocks yo-yo away]'' Get that out of my face! :'''Meatwad''': Why don't you take that into the other room while the adults are doing important research here. :'''Frylock''': Oh, I'm sorry Professor! I didn't realize knowledge could also transform you into an arrogant ass! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[levitating a boy in a car with his mind]'' Quiet! I need complete concentration or the child will die. <hr width=50%/> :''[Carl's car crashes on his roof]'' :'''Carl''': Ohh, do not tell me that that is my car up there on the roof! :'''Meatwad''': Okay, we won't. :'''Carl''': Get it down! :'''Meatwad''': Okay. :'''Carl''': Wait, wait no don't! ''[car crashes to the ground]'' DAMMIT! ===Interfection=== <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr Weird''': ''(his head has shrunk and speaking in a high pitch voice)'' GENTLEMEN! TURN IT ON! :'''Steve''': Okay. ''(pushes a button to pump Dr Weird's head)'' :'''Dr Weird''' ''(head gets bigger and bigger)'' ''TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Plaque is a figment of the liberal media and the dental industry to scare you into buying useless appliances and pastes. Now, I've read the arguments on both sides, and I haven't found any evidence yet to support the need to brush your teeth. ''Ever.'' :'''Meatwad''': I don't know how you'd know; you ain't got no teeth. :'''Master Shake''': Well, I got rid of my teeth at a young age, because...I'm straight. Teeth are for gay people. That's why fairies come and get 'em. :'''Meatwad''': If teeth make me gay then sign me up, 'cause I wish I had 'em. <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': Computer, search for teeth and plaque conspiracy ''(pause),'' and Metallica. :'''Meatwad''': And Justin Timberlake. ''[Shake ignores him]'' Do a search for Justin Timberlake. ''[Shake continues to ignore him]'' ... J-U-S-- :'''Shake''': Please hush up. The search needs complete silence to work. :'''Meatwad''': Oh shoot, I forgot. I'm sorry. :'''Master Shake''': Well, I'm sorry, but if ''you'' can't learn that little lesson, then someone's going to get their little mouth stabbed shut with skewers! And then we'll see how easily the axe slices through the meat! :''[Meatwad's eyes get big, then he starts bawling.]'' :'''Master Shake''': All right, okay. Maybe that was a little huge. Listen, I would never hit you with an axe... :''[Meatwad's sobs subside as he pauses for a second and looks up at Master Shake]'' :'''Master Shake''': ...when you had skewers stabbed through your mouth. :''[Meatwad immediately resumes crying.]'' :'''Master Shake''': I would think one or the other would be enough. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': All right! Five point nine percent over APR! You don't get that every day! :'''Master Shake''': Are you kidding?! With APR like that I could just die! <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that I was in the Supreme frickin' Court here! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah. Neither did I. :'''Shake''': Should I have my lawyer present for my frickin' trial?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Is it hot, girl-on-girl action? <hr width=50%/> :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': It's so easy to use, and the surgery to implant it in the base of your skull is so painless, it's no wonder I'm #1! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': [appears on a monitor] Hello there, Internet Cyberville. Hey, if your watching this right now, I'm running outta oxygen and I seriously need to get to my bathroom, WHICH IS CURRENTLY BEING BLOCKED BY SOME STUPID ASS HIT-THE-MONKEY THING! [pop-up falls on Carl's fingers cutting them] Oh god! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Hey listen, could you get me some chicks that ''don't'' have the ZZ Top Lumberjack look? If I wanted to date Sasquatch, I'd call your mother. Ha-ha! <hr width=50%/> :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': But the skull implant comes in this decorative tin. :'''Frylock''': Decorate ''this!'' ''[uses eye lasers to blow up pop-up ad for the tin]'' :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': Okay, okay, okay, okay! Fine! Fine. Don't use our service. Get left in the digital dust! But remember, you could have won a Porsche. <hr width=50%/> :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': And after this 90-day trial, you will be judged and sentenced to a lifetime of interactive sports, news, and information. And we will continue to draw from your account, because banks don't care. It's not their money. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': I'm tired of livin' in this tree, now. How long till we gonna go home? :'''Frylock''': Two more weeks. :'''Meatwad''': TWO MORE WEEKS?! :'''Frylock''': Shut up and eat your squirrel meat! :'''Shake''': Squirrel meat, bleh. :''[Pop up ads begin to appear as the Wwwyzzerdd cackles in the background]'' :'''Shake''': What? I got wireless. ''[Hits an ad]'' What? ===PDA=== :'''Shake''': Someone stole my PDA, and I will ruin this house with my anger! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': Look Shake, people usually get a PDA when they have a job, and friends, and a life! :'''Shake''': Look, you, you, you happen to have no idea what I do for a living do you? :'''Frylock''': You're damn right I don't! I saw you boil a hot dog today. Did you get paid for that?! :'''Shake''': Because I don't have access to my scheduling book, because my PDA's gone! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': Wha, oh come on! We're lookin' for my thing, together, we're like buds, it's cool. Hey, you fly. You go, why don't you go check the gutters. :'''Frylock''': But, why would it be up in the gutters, Shake? :'''Shake''': That's where your DVD burner ended up, when it decided not to work. :'''Frylock''': Oh, I ''damn'' sure better not find that up there! :'''Master Shake''': Well, that's the last place I remember chucking it. :''[Frylock flies to the roof.]'' :'''Frylock''': ''[yelling]'' Hey! Dammit! You did throw my DVD burner up here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': I have some parents, Frylock? :'''Frylock''': Hell no, you don't have any damn parents! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': This is your captain speaking and welcome to the glass-bottom boat ride at the world famous Trenton Tar Pits. I just wanna let you all know I'm a convicted sex offender. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Tar, well, I tell ya if I wanna smell like a shingle, I go get my frisbee and my tanktop and my [[w:Captain EO|Captain EO]] out of the gutter. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': There ain't nothin' down here but tar and a condom wrapper! This is gross! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': All right, and I'm back, ladies and gentlemen. They won't be bothering us anymore. I chased them off with my nudity...does that arouse anyone down there, or... :'''Meatwad''': What does that mean? :'''Frylock''': It means that we're gonna get off this boat right now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': Okay, and we've docked...and I feel a little sexy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': Who down there wants to meet the captain? And feel sexy with him. :'''Meatwad''': Oooh, I do, I wanna meet the captain! :'''Frylock''': No, you don't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': Ah, jee whiz! This is the greatest gift I ever got in my life that I never wanted ever! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Romulox''': Oh, I didn't see your knock-offs there, nice. Are you goin' for the ironic look, or the look-I-don't-have-any-money look? :'''Shake''': I don't know, which one would you do? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': What's wrong with your elbow? :'''Romulox''': Oh, you didn't get that surgery. I'm sorry. :'''Meatwad''': We don't have insurance. :'''Romulox''': Only two people have the easy-flow elbow, and one of them happens to be named [[w:Bruce Willis|Bruce Willis]]. <hr width+50%/> ===Mail Order Bride=== :'''Frylock''': Santa's coming tonight Meatwad, so I really need your Christmas list— :'''Meatwad''': Here. :'''Frylock''': …and if you've been a good boy this year, you may just get this…this L-shaped thing. :'''Meatwad''': No, see, what that is, is a hair dryer. :'''Frylock''': You want a hair dryer? :'''Meatwad''': Yeah. :'''Frylock''': For what? You don't have any- :'''Meatwad''': Keep reading, next to the hair dryer. :'''Frylock''': This—this is a squiggle. :'''Meatwad''': No, that's hair. You read it backwards, fool. So go get it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Oh, man. I cannot wait. I got the oils, the candles, the works! When does that babe get here? :'''Master Shake''': Carl, don't refer to her as a "babe", please. She is a Chechnyan prostitute, and you will address her as such. :'''Carl''': Look, just don't cash that check immediately. I wanna make sure that both of us marryin' her is gonna be, you know, legal. :'''Master Shake''': Of course it is! What are you kidding me? Santa Claus ain't legal and he's around. :'''Carl''': Well, I guess that makes sense, you know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': Look merry, dammit! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Shoo, that sure was a good sleep I had. WHERE ARE THE DAMN PRESENTS?! :'''Frylock''': It's 4:00 in the afternoon Meatwad, that wasn't Santa. :'''Meatwad''': Well, you know, maybe Santa's just gettin' a jump start on things this year. 'Cause, you know, statistics they show that there are more people in the world today. That's China's fault. :'''Frylock''': Where do you get this information? :'''Meatwad''': Regis. <hr width="50%"/> :''[on a ladder]'' :'''Carl''': Look, would you just hold it with your hands?! :'''Master Shake''': I can do two things at the same time, chubby. :'''Carl''': No, ya can't! :'''Master Shake''': ''[reading a magazine to himself]'' Huey Lewis making a comeback! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Carl has broken his neck.]'' :'''Carl''': Hey, get back here! I think I need some help here! :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, I know you do. :''[Master Shake walks away.]'' :'''Carl''': Get back here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': Well, there ain't gonna be no dinner this year. :'''Frylock''': What about your girlfriend. I thought she was gonna cook. :'''Master Shake''': "Co-fiancee." Let's get it right, please. :'''Frylock''': "Co-"? :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, you know, I'll split her with Carl. So he's "co-owner." :'''Frylock''': You're depraved. :'''Master Shake''': Yes, thank you, I think she sees that quality in me. But that damn Carl is so Selfish. :'''Meatwad''': Carl should remember the reason for the season. :'''Master Shake''': The reason for the season is pleasin and I ain't gettin much pleasin and Carl better get his ass with the program. :'''Carl''': Get with what program, Cup? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Hey fry-man, you think I can get you to come over here and uh, blow a frickin' hole in my wall? :'''Frylock''': What's wrong, Carl? :'''Carl''': Well, for starters, she's barricaded herself inside the house. And every time she talks to me, it's in this, like, language. It's like some demon yelling at me, or something! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Schoolly D''': Santa Claus got barbeque sauce in his drawers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Okay, I'm awake. Let's, uh, friggin go get married. :'''Meatwad''': Oh Good! :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, brotha! :'''Carl''': Let's get married, yeah! :''[at Carl's house]'' :'''Frylock''': And do you, Svetlana... what does this say? :'''Carl''': Look, just say Smith or Jones or something... there's no way you can pronounce that right. :'''Frylock''': Svetlana Smith take Carl... :'''Carl''': Just say Smith again, it don't matter... none of this matters. :'''Frylock''': ...Smith to be your lawfully wedded husband... :'''Master Shake''': Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! :'''Frylock''': ...to honor... :'''Master Shake''': Back up! Rewind! :'''Frylock''': ...take Carl, and Master Shake... :'''Master Shake''': That's more like it. :'''Frylock''': to be your lawfully wedded husbands as long as you three shall live. :'''Svetlana''': ''[speaking Russian, from inside Carl's house]'' :'''Carl''': Alright, yeah! :'''Master Shake''': Alright, score! :'''Carl''': Sweet nectar! :'''Frylock''': Okay, now shove the ring under the door. :'''Master Shake''': No, we're not doing the ring, I'm not gettin' roped into all that. :'''Frylock''': How can you not have a ring? :'''Master Shake''': No, it ends here. I haven't seen food once since she's shown up. :'''Carl''': He's right, let's do this thing - light this candle. :'''Frylock''': By the power invested in me by the state of New Jersey I now pronounce you men and wife. You may now kiss the door. :'''Master Shake''': Blow it open Frylock. :'''Carl''': Do it! :'''Svetlana''': [speaking Russian; escapes] :'''Carl''': Svetlana, baby? :'''Master Shake''': Great! Great! :'''Carl''': Oh Man! She got the car. :'''Meatwad''': Well technically, it's half hers now, right? Or a third, I don't know. :'''George''': Introducing the new Misters and Mrs. Bertwoski! :'''Carl''': It's Brutananadilewski! And you get the hell out of here! :'''Master Shake''': No way, you are staying! We got him til two. <hr width+50%/> ===Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future=== :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Now in the future, the past has occurred. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': You're the Ghost of Christmas Past...right? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': That is correct. :'''Carl''': Okay, well...I mean, you know that it's February...right? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[pause]'' I am a robot. :'''Carl''': Well, you know, obviously. What are you, stupid? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[stutters]'' I will see you in December, tomorrow! :'''Carl''': Okay, whatever there, just lock your door on the way- :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[breaks through the wall]'' Do what? :'''Carl''': Nevermind, just leave! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Flashback to Carl's house on Christmas in the 1960s]'' :'''Carl''':''[opening his present]'' Oh boy oh boy oh boy I hope this is a new mommy! :'''Carl's Dad''': Yeah, it's not. Hurry up and open it, ya little creep, we gotta be at work in an hour. :'''Carl''': What is this, is this carpet, daddy? :'''Carl's Dad''': Carpet? No. That's [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Berber_carpet berber], its an industry term. :'''Carl''': Hey, look it's a magic flyin' carpet! Look at me, I'm flyin' around in Egyptland! :'''Carl's Dad''':''[cuts Carl off]'' Yeah, that's cute. Don't get too attached there, Aladdin, 'cause its about to be magic flyin' dinner. :'''Carl''':''[looking worried]'' Y-you can't eat carpet... Silly Daddy. :'''Carl's Dad''': Hehe, not like that you can't. You gotta boil it, till the glue gets soft.:''[looks at his watch]'' Oh jeez, look at the time! :'''Carl''': But it's Christmas, Daddy! :'''Carl's Dad''': You're not getting out of this one! Put on your work boots and your respirator! I pulled ''A LOT'' of strings to get them to hire an 8 year old. :'''Carl''':''[Muttering to himself]'' Don't make me go, I don't wanna make insulation... :'''Carl's Dad''': ''C'MON, WE'RE LATE!!!!'' :'''Carl''': OH GOD! :''[Robot appears and lasers shoot everywhere]'' :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': You remember that Christmas, don't you? :'''Carl''': Yeah, well, you know, I remember eating carpet. Not so much the, uh, lasers and the robots. <hr width=50%/> :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': And that is where babies come from … for machines. :'''Meatwad''': Boy, that's some story. That...kinda is different from what I been told about people loving each other...and, you know, physically... :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': No! That is very wrong! You cling to your pathetic fable of fluid exchange. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': (after finding his swimming pool filled with blood) It looks like someone wrung a herd of cows through a juicer or something! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Wait, wait...who unionized? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Wouldn't you like to know? Probably yo mama. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Man, it makes me sad they had to open their gifts in front of an ape and they were all made out of doodoo. What kinda Christmas is that?! :'''Frylock''': It's okay Meatwad. This is all a bunch of bull. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': You don't believe? :'''Frylock''': Believe what? That you're a ghost and Santa Claus is an ape? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever- :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''Was'' an ape. Now he is a machine! :'''Meatwad''': I left cookies and a glass of milk FOR A MACHINE?!! :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': No man, he's an ape. ''[They look at him questioningly]'' I mean, wait he is a machine! You were trying to mess me up on purpose! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': But I thought everyone back then was undeveloped? Couldn't make machines with their crinkled hands. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Well the elves came from the red planet, and there was much defecation. :'''Frylock''': Yeah, yeah, you mentioned that. How long ago did you say this was? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[Fog rolls in]'' Thousands of years ago- :'''Frylock''': Oh shut up! You still haven't explained why the pool is filled with elf blood! :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': I told you earlier, it was the Great Circuiting. :'''Frylock''': You didn't mention no "Great Circuiting". :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Oh, I didn't? ''[pause]'' Thousands of years ago... <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': I hate to be a buzz kill, but he said that your house is on elf graves and they're pissed off. :'''Carl''': All right, fine, we'll do that. :'''Meatwad''': And the blood's just gonna keep flowing, unless …. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Unless Carl pays tribute to the Elfin Elders in space. :'''Carl''': I'll do it. What do I do? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': You must give up yourself to the Great Red Ape. :'''Carl''': Okay … how much? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Sexually. :'''Carl''': … wonderful. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': What did you say your name was again? :'''Glenn Danzig''': Danzig, mother fucker! I got a question: can you make the blood flow up the walls? :'''Carl''': Lemme go talk to my blood guy over here. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': I don't see why not. :'''Carl''': That's elf blood, too. That ain't cheap-- :'''Glenn Danzig''': How much you want? :'''Carl''': Oh, I dunno...a million? :'''Glenn Danzig''': Killer. Draft the check tomorrow. :'''Carl''': You're serious--THANK YOU GOD!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Glenn Danzig''': Now look, you listen to me as hard as you fucking can. That fucking robot came with the fuckin' house, and now he's fucking gone! If you see that mother-- :'''Master Shake''': Oh, don't worry, we'll tell you! :'''Glenn Danzig''': You fucking better. If I find out he's over here, I'm gonna be eating my cereal out of the bottom of your fuckin' skull! Verstandlich?!! ''[Glenn walks away]'' :'''Master Shake''': Ok. So... thank you :'''Meatwad''': ''[To Cybernetic Ghost]'' Hey you come out now. He's gone. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': (about Danzig) I cannot live with that guy. He is ''so'' annoying, he is ''so'' frightening, and he doesn't wear a shirt. :'''Master Shake''': You make our house bleed right now! ==External links== {{wikipedia|Aqua Teen Hunger Force (season 1)|Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 1)}} *[http://video.adultswim.com/aqua-teen-hunger-force/ ''Aqua Teen Hunger Force''] at Adult Swim *{{imdb title||Aqua Teen Hunger Force}} [[Category:Aqua Teen Hunger Force seasons]] {| class="wikitable" border="1" style="width:100%; text-align: center;" | width="30%" | <small>N/A</small> | width="30%" | '''''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]'' [[w:List of Aqua Teen Hunger Force episodes|seasons]]''' | width="30%" | Succeeded by<br>'''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 2)|Season 2]]''' |} {{Adult Swim}} psgfqldisfxgqrs3grxjb1ctw11ohhm 3157859 3157858 2022-08-25T15:36:55Z 45.5.116.93 /* MC Pee Pants */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 1)|1]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 2)|2]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 3)|3]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 4)|4]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 5)|5]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 6)|6]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 7)|7]] | [[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1]] | [[Aqua Something You Know Whatever]] | [[Aqua TV Show Show]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force|'''Main''']] ---- <br> '''''[[w:Aqua Teen Hunger Force|Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''''', (also known by various [[w:Aqua Teen Hunger Force#Alternative titles|alternative titles]]), (2000–15) is an [[w:animated series|animated television series]] from the [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]]'s [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]] programming block. The show follows the exploits of three [[w:anthropomorphic|anthropomorphic]] fast food items: [[w:Master Shake|Master Shake]], the milkshake; [[w:Frylock|Frylock]], the carton of French fries; and [[w:Meatwad|Meatwad]], the aptly named wad of meat. ===[[w:Rabbot|Rabbot]]=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen! Vegetables have threatened man for generations. I have obtained funds to solve this vegetable nightmare! :'''Steve''': Uh, Dr. Weird — :'''Dr. Weird''': Behold... :'''Steve''': I thought that grant was for somewhat to cure diseases, and …. :'''Dr. Weird''': The grant?! What is that?! :'''Steve''': Dyuhhh …. :''' Dr. Weird''': Shut up. Behold! The Rabbot! ''[The door lifts up and reveals Dr. Weird's monstrous fifty-foot Rabbot]'' :'''Steve''': But, Dr. Weird — :'''Dr. Weird''': Now bring me my large French perfume and spray him in the eyes, because that's how it happened to me! ''[The Rabbot's face is sprayed with a giant bottle of French perfume]'' Now you feel pretty, don't you? Wa, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! ''[The Rabbot hops out the door and toward the lab wall]'' The Rabbot! My creation! ''[The Rabbot smashes through the lab wall and Steve jumps out from behind his hiding spot behind the desk.]'' :'''Dr. Weird''': What has science doooone? :''[the Rabbot hops down the street and proceeds to jump on top of Carl's car, effectively destroying it.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl:''' '''''WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FREAKIN' CAR?!''''' :'''Master Shake''': Good morning, Carl. How's it goin'? :'''Carl''': Oh yeah, good mornin' to you there, Mr. Food Monster, this is how it's goin'. Look at my frickin' car. It is crushed...to bajesus and back. :'''Master Shake''': Have you gotten any estimates? :'''Carl''': Ah, for the love of--I just found it this way. :'''Master Shake''': Carl... :'''Carl''': I just walked out here, for frickin' sake! :'''Master Shake''': Hey Carl, its okay...it's cool man, I'm a detective. Clear the crime scene and let me think...meteors did it! That'll be $20. :'''Frylock''': Hey, Carl. :'''Carl''': Great, we got the Fryman up here. :'''Master Shake''': I have not called for you, Frylock. What are you doing here? :'''Frylock''': I ''live'' here. :'''Master Shake''': Well, quit hovering. ''I'' am the leader! :'''Frylock''': Man, your car is messed up! How are you going to get to work, Carl? :'''Carl''': I work out of the home. :'''Master Shake''': Frylock, send Carl to work, then we shall solve this mystery and make $20. :'''Carl''':I work out of the home. Do not point that fry thing at me. :'''Master Shake''': Quickly, Carl, the ray is upon you. Where do you work? :'''Carl''': I done told ya, I work out of the home! Now stop with the Freak Beam! :'''Master Shake''': Send Carl to the home then! :'''Frylock''': To the home! :'''Carl''': STAY OUT OF MY POOL!! ''[Frylock beams Carl up and drops him flat on his back on his roof]'' Ow, my hip! :'''Master Shake''': Okay, that'll be $20. :'''Frylock''': So, what now, Shake? :'''Master Shake''': We shall solve the mystery from Carl's pool! :'''Carl''':: OH, NO, DON'T GOT TO MY POOL!!! :'''Master Shake''': Goin' to the bank! <hr width=50%/> :''[in Carl's pool]'' :'''Frylock''': This is a fun pool. I do like splashing. :'''Master Shake''': Yes, playing is for pleasure. We should have a pool. Make us one from the sky. I command it. :'''Frylock''': ''[sarcasm]'' Yeah, yeah, I'll do that. :'''Master Shake''': Seriously, I do command it :'''Frylock''': I wonder who killed Carl's car. :'''Master Shake''': A car cannot be "killed"! It was murdered by someone who is jealous of Carl's ability to drive. JEALOUSY is the motivation! <hr width=50%/> :'''Schooly D''': Man everybody know meat don't sleep. <hr width=50%/> :''[Meatwad is dancing, before Master Shake jumps on Meatwad's boom-box and destroys it.]'' :'''Master Shake''': Dancing is forbidden! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Where are we going? :'''Master Shake''': Shut your deformed mouth Meatwad, before I NAIL it shut! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': The scent seems to be coming from that mall :'''Master Shake''': I know! :'''Meatwad''': All right! I want some jeans! :'''Master Shake''': (pushes past him) I'M the one who wants some jeans! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': How did you get back there?! That's for salespersons only. I want to get back there. Get me back there! :''[Meatwad changes shape into a bridge over the sales counter.]'' :'''Meatwad''': Here. Take the Meat Bridge! It's right here! :'''Master Shake''': Meat Bridge? No. :''[Master Shake smashes a hole in sales counter.]'' :'''Meatwad''': Fine. Don't take the Meat Bridge. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Well, as long as we don't go back to the lab. :'''Frylock''': I need to go back to the lab. :'''Master Shake''': God! That'll take a thousand hours! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Does it LOOK like I'm OK?! Stand back, and I shall destroy him! SHAKE POWER ACTIVATE! ''[Shake huffs and puffs and excretes a glob of milkshake onto the road]]'' Now come over here and slip on it, if you dare, rabbit! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': I have called this meeting to say that downtown is no longer safe. :''[Cut to the Rabbot who is still causing havoc in the city]'' :'''Master Shake''': So, in short, we need to pick some new restaurants and night clubs. :'''Carl''': GET OUTTA MY FRICKIN' POOL! ===Escape From Leprauchpolis=== <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen! I have created... this thing! :'''Steve''': What is it? :'''Dr Weird''': I don't know. Stand over here. :'''Steve''': Uh, you mean right here? ''(gets catapulted by a rainbow into the sky)'' :'''Dr. Weird''': It WORKS! ''I am one can short of a six pack''! Wha-ha-ha-ha-ha! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[in the pool for the first time]'' Master Shake said it would dissolve me and then I would get clogged in the filter and then beavers would come and eat me. But that hasn't happened yet! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Look, I have a brain! ''(pause)'' I just took it out so it wouldn't get wet! :'''Frylock''': Yeah, man. He took his brain out. It's cool! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': All right, I'm gonna give this "Rainbow" thing another five minutes, and if it don't show up quick, then I am goin' down to the store and gettin' a hot-rod magazine, 'cause they got the chicks with the boobs in there! :'''Flargan''': ''[looking at Carl through binoculars]'' Excellent, another victim falls prey to me brilliant e-mail plan. Soon we will have enough treasure to rule all of New Jersey. :'''Merle''': Flargan, he doesn't really look like he has any money...or a job, or a wallet. :'''Flargan''': Well I...I'm sure he has some decent tennis shoes. :'''Merle''': He doesn't even have pockets. Look, he's wearing sweatpants. :'''Flargan''': Dingle, engage the rainbow machine! :'''Dingle''': Feet! :''[Dingle turns on the machine]'' :'''Carl''': Yeah, here come the gold! Aw, look at this now, I don't see crap in there. I know this game. This is how they get you. :''[He gets sucked up in the rainbow, and lands flat on his back in the forest]'' :'''Flargan''': Yes, fat man, this IS how we get you! :'''Carl''': Hey there, where's the gold there? :'''Flargan''': Flip-flops? What is this!? :'''Merle''': What did I say? No money, no job, no taste. <hr width=50%/> :'''Merle''': ''[upon seeing Master Shake and Meatwad]'' What in the hell is that?! You know this whole plan is attractin' nothin' but a bunch of goobers. :'''Flargan''': What do their shoes look like? :'''Merle''': Seems kinda stupid doing this whole thing for shoes. :'''Flargan''': It's not just for shoes! It's...it's for... :'''Merle''': It's for what? This [[w:Bananarama|Bananarama]] tape with no case? We really scored big on that one, didn't we, buddy? <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': He told me to get in the freezer 'cause there was a carnival in there. There was no carnival! It was a damn freezer! I got freezer burn and I got mushed up against a chicken. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Let's go. They don't have nothin', it's like a flea market threw up in there. :'''Meatwad''': Look, a Bananarama tape! :'''Master Shake''': That's mine! Drop it where you are! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': You don't need a machine to make a rainbow, for rainbows are made of happy thoughts, and dreams, and chocolate unicorns, and gumdrops, and licorice sunsets, and fuzzy gumdrop bears, in Sugar-Covered Chocolate Gumdrop Land. :'''Master Shake''': No way in hell. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': All right! The ''real'' rainbow! I did it! I brought happiness and joy to us all! :''[a rainbow rips Carl's house off its foundation and flings it through the air.]'' :'''Master Shake''': Wow! :'''Carl''': Oh, good. :''[Awkward silence.]'' :'''Meatwad''': Well, I gotta go...see ya later. <hr width+50%/> ===Bus of the Undead=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen, behold: Mothmonst- ''(Mothmonsterman flies off)'' Oh no! Mothmonsterman, no! Come back! :'''Steve''': He has escaped. :'''Dr. Weird''': Yes, through the hole. ''[slips and falls]'' My banana! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Good morning, Carl! :'''Carl''': Yeah, it is a good morning there little man...''it's three in the morning!!!!!!!!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Look, all I know is that this cord here was plugged into my house, and your house was glowin' like the frickin' sun! So I put two and two together there hey, and decided that you're pissin' me off. :'''Master Shake''': We are truly sorry, Carl, and it will probably never happen again. Can we have our cord back? :'''Carl''': No, no there. I'm just gonna keep it there, since it's uh, mine anyways. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mothmonsterman''': Oh, hey, where you guys been? :'''Master Shake''': Memphis. :'''Mothmonsterman''': Really?! That's awesome. How was it? :'''Master Shake''': Oh, it was very nice. They light up the bridge. We had fried catfish. :'''Meatwad''': When did you have fried catfish? <hr width=50%/> :[''Frylock, Master Shake and Meatwad return home to find Carl tied up with silk, hanging from the ceiling''] :'''Frylock''': What have you done with him? :'''Mothmonsterman''': I just laid a thousand of my eggs inside his esophagus. You know, I need to propagate my species and, he's bein' a baby about it. :'''Frylock''': You know, we have a cloner. :'''Mothmonsterman''': Seriously? :[''Inside Frylock's office, a timer dings''] :'''Frylock''': Oh, no- the cloner! :'''Master Shake''': The brownies! :'''Meatwad''': My brownies! :[''Winged monsters, made from a mix of insect and brownie DNA, burst out of Frylock's office''] :'''Master Shake''': Run! To the pool! :[''Frylock, Master Shake and Meatwad run outside''] :'''Mothmonsterman''': Wait, you have a pool? [''Brownie monsters swarm the living room''] Oh, my God- :[''Out in the backyard''] :'''Frylock''': You put a brownie in my cloning device, didn't you? :'''Master Shake''': No! Yes. I don't know. Maybe! Look, that was six weeks ago! I locked the door; let 'em just duke it out. :'''Meatwad'''': You didn't lock the door, it was out in the yard...! :[''A huge swarm of brownie monsters attacks''] ===Mayhem of the Mooninites=== :'''Ignignokt''': ''(knocks on Carl's door)'' Hello, Carl. I am Ignignokt, and this is Err. :'''Err''': I am Err! :'''Ignignokt''': We are Mooninites from the inner core of the Moon. :'''Err''': You said it right! :'''Ignignokt''': Our race is hundreds of years beyond yours. :'''Err''': Man, do you hear what he's sayin'?! :'''Ignignokt''': Some would say that the Earth is our moon. :'''Err''': We're the moon. :'''Ignignokt''': But that would belittle the name of our moon... which is the Moon. :'''Err''': The point is, we're at the center. Not you! :'''Carl''': No, the real point is: I don't give a damn! ''(slams door)'' <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Your jambox is now his by way of our actions. :'''Master Shake''': Yes, Meatwad, with actions! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Err''': Shoot him the bird! :'''Ignignokt''': Yes, give him the finger. :'''Meatwad''': The finger? Like this? ''(turns into a hot-dog)'' :'''Ignignokt''': No. Not at all like that. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Err''': We smoke as we shoot the bird! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': You and your "third dimension." :'''Frylock''': Yeah? What about it? :'''Ignignokt''': Oh, nothing. It's cute. We have five. :'''Err''': Th-thousand. :'''Ignignokt''': Yes, five thousand. :'''Err''': Don't question it! :'''Frylock''': Oh yeah? Well, I only see two. :'''Ignignokt''': Well, that sounds like a personal problem. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Frylock''': I don't think Meatwad should be hanging around with these Moon people. :'''Master Shake''': I don't think I should be playing with these medium strings. I need light gauge if I'm gonna thrash! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Using keys to gouge expletives onto another's vehicle is a sign of trust and friendship. :''[Cut to Carl standing outside his house, looking at his vandalized car.]'' :'''Carl''': ''Who did this to my frickin' car!!??'' <hr width = 50% /> :'''Carl''': So maybe you be a good person to ask who wrote ''The Moon Rulez #1'', on my car, with a key! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Carl''': ''[Effortlessly dodging the Mooninites' shot]'' Nice shot there, Brick Out. ''[Unbeknownst to Carl, the shot rebounds off his house and back towards him]'' Now I want you jokers out of this- ''[The shot hits Carl and he phases out as he is transported to the moon]'' OH GOD! MY BACK! WHOOOAAAA... <hr width = 50% /> :''[Frylock has blown up the TV with his laser vision]'' :'''Ignignokt''': What was that? :'''Err''': Whoa! Did those just come out of your eyes? :'''Ignignokt''': They're primitive :'''Err''': Damn! Those are fast, man! :'''Ignignokt''': We are not impressed :'''Err''': Hey, wasn't that cool? <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': ''[Giving Frylock the finger from space]'' I hope he can see this because I'm doing it as hard as I can. <hr width+50% /> ===Balloonenstein=== :'''Carl''': Oh, sweet, sweet nectar. It's like my pool is tearin' ass around the backyard. But it's stayin' still. Still waters run deep! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Grab my potatoes, Carl! :'''Carl''': Sure, why not? <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': The real spaghetti got wet when I was boiling it so… it’s in the dryer! :'''Meatwad''':Why didn’t you say so! It's probably dry by now, so let's go get it. ''[saying as he gets into the dryer]'' Now remember, I like it spicy! :'''Shake''': Ha ha ha! So stupid! :'''Meatwad''': Hey, wait a second! Why's it spinnin'? :'''Schoolly D''': Come on, think about it, Meatwad! It's a dryer, man! Of course it's gonna spin! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Ooh. Damn! What dimension was that? Carl, your hands! :'''Carl''': Yeah, I know, I see 'em; they're very big. Well, it was fun. I'm gonna go take a nap now and then I think I'm gonna call, uh, some hospitals. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Shake, where is my popsicle? :'''Shake''': Please, wait a second... :'''Meatwad''': I require a popsicle every 15 minutes! You obviously did not read the memo! :'''Shake''': ''This'' is your memo? (''holds up a drawing'') I don't even know what this is! :'''Meatwad''': ''(zaps Shake)'' You sicken me with your lies. :'''Shake''': I'll make you some right away! :'''Meatwad''': "Make" me some? Please do not insult what little intelligence I have. I need it ''now''. :'''Shake''': Then I'll go to the store! Please sir! :'''Meatwad''': Yes you will. Now what is the magic word, '''''bitch'''''? :'''Shake''': PLEASE, let me go to the store and get popsicles for you! Thank you sire! :'''Meatwad''': That's right. ''(releases Shake; Shake runs out the door)'' You better run, boy! And bring back some chocolate syrup, too, or your fate is sealed! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Everybody hates me 'cause they die or get hurt. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Will this hurt 'im? :'''Frylock''': It shouldn't. :'''Master Shake''': Then ''why'' are we doing it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': ''[Chasing Meatwad with pencils]'' This is for shooting me in the roof and sending me to the store making me call you sire! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Go destroy Balloonenstein! :'''Meatwad''': Do what now? :'''Frylock''': Pop the balloon with the glass! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, yeah, okay. ''[long pause]'' Do what now? :'''Frylock''': Pop him with the glass! The glass in your head! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, yeah, I know. Don't yell at me! ''[pause]'' Do what now? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Damn it, he needs his brain. Otherwise he "just gonna float around forever sayin' "Do what now?" :'''Meatwad''': Do what now? :'''Master Shake''': Guess what? He's not gettin his brain back, because it is now the nerve center for the city of the future: LAS BRAINGELES! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''(now a 50 foot meatball, speaking in a booming voice)'' '''Where are my popsicles?!''' :'''Frylock''': Damn! :'''Master Shake''':''(scared)'' Is that you, God? :'''Meatwad''': '''Frylock, get away from the pool.''' :'''Frylock''': Aw, hell... ''(moves away from the pool)'' :'''Meatwad''': ''(leaps into the air)'' '''''CAN OPENER!!!!!!!!!!!''''' ===Space Conflict from Beyond Pluto=== :''(Trying to barbecue melons)'' :'''Emory''': How do want your melon? :'''Olgethorpe''': Emory, the melon's on fire! :'''Emory''': Well of course they're on fire. They're not made to be cooked. :'''Oglethorpe''': What do ''you'' know of fire? You prance around like you have laser eyes. You don't! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': I have an amazing plan to betray our new friend … hah-hah-hah! :'''Emory''': I thought the plan was to barbecue with him. :'''Oglethorpe''': Plans are for fools! When he gets here, we melt him … and laugh … on into the night! :'''Emory''': Why don't we just...talk to him and stuff? :'''Oglethorpe''': Why don't you shut up and let me do what I want for a change? <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Hey, hey, what is with all this interrogation? Let's toss the frisbee...over there ''[Points to the melting chamber]''...''WHERE WE WILL MELT YOU INTO FLUID!'' ''[begins stomping on the frisbee]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': We are on a top secret mission of world domination! :'''Frylock''': World domination? You guys couldn't take over a damn bowl of Jell-O! :'''Emory''': Hey, is that, like, an important place or something? :'''Oglethorpe''': ''[threateningly]'' Where is it? <hr width=50%/> :''[Frylock realizes that the Plutonians are complete idiots and wants to leave.]'' :'''Frylock''': Okay, look, which one of these buttons beams me out of here? :'''Oglethorpe''': Those buttons are red! You'll destroy us all! :''[Frylock pushes a button. Balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling and music plays.]'' :'''Emory''': All right, party time! :'''Oglethorpe''': Whose birthday is it? Someone gets a spanking! :''[Frylock pushes another button. Shake appears on the ship.]'' :'''Shake''': Hey, happy birthday! Hey, who's the lucky boy? :'''Frylock''': Shake, how did you get in this beam? :'''Shake''': Look, that beam came from space. You don't own space, so stop acting like you do. <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': You might be interested to know that we are just about to destroy your planet! :'''Master Shake''': Oh, go ahead, I'm not there, ah, it's fine. <hr width=50%/> :'''Emory''': You really think we need to blow up their planet? :'''Oglethorpe''': That's what I said, blow it up! Let's blow it up! :'''Emory''': Alright, fine. :''[Oglethorpe pushes a button. Balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling and music plays again.]'' :'''Emory''': ...Did it blow up, man? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': You cannot cut someone's lawn with matches, Meatwad! :'''Meatwad''': Look, I know that. You gotta have gasoline, otherwise how's it gonna spread to the street? :'''Carl''': ''(banging on the Aqua Teen's door)'' Open this damn door now! :'''Meatwad''': Oh, is he mad? Don't open it. :'''Carl''': I heard that! Open this door! <hr width=50%/> :''[the Plutonians have put Shake in the melting chamber.]'' :'''Emory''': Why isn't he melting? I mean, the beam's supposed to be on. :'''Oglethorpe''': Well, it's not! I'm looking right at it and it's not on. :'''Emory''': Maybe we need the remote. :'''Oglethorpe''': Well, maybe you shouldn't have run the melter through the VCR, Scheisskopf! :'''Emory''': Well, maybe it's 'cause you said "I want all meltings to be taped", even though you never watch 'em! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': '''''NOW, WHERE'S THAT DAMN REMOTE?!?!''''' <hr width=50%/> :''[Shake accidentally fires off an escape pod holding the Plutonians' remote control]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': What in the hell was that?! :'''Emory''': That was the, uh...escape pod. :'''Oglethorpe''': Damn it! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Stop pressing the buttons in there! :'''Shake''': This whole ship's a bunch of buttons! And I'm done with this Redbook, I was done with it the minute I saw it. And I'm hungry! :'''Oglethorpe''': You will eat what we say! :'''Emory''': You will eat ''when'' we say. That's right. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Uh, Shake... :'''Shake''': What do you want? :'''Frylock''': Carl is here... :'''Shake''': How did you get this--I'm not here! :''[At the Aqua Teens' house, Frylock, Carl, and Meatwad are watching Shake on the computer.]'' :'''Carl''': Oh, you're not there? :'''Shake''': Hello, Carl. :'''Carl''': Hey, buddy, how ya doin' there? Pizza Land, huh? That's lots of fun. Hey, uh, I wanted to let you know that '''''YOU BURNED MY FRICKIN' HOUSE DOWN!!!!!!!!!!''''' :'''Shake''': But the grass is gone--- :'''Carl''': Oh yea the grass is gone, just like how your face is gonna be gone after I '''SHOVE IT IN A PASTRAMI SLICER!!!''' <hr width=50%/> :''[Shake has asked for a new virtual environment. He appears in what appears to be a live-action park. He finds himself next to a horse.]'' :'''Female Computer Voice''': Welcome to this horse's anus. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[after Carl's house has burned down]'' Hey Carl, you want me to shampoo the rug? :'''Carl''': What's the frickin' point, Meatman? :'''Meatwad''': So you can give me some money. <hr width=50%/> :''[The Plutonians enact a plan to get rid of Shake]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, look over there! One hundred dollars! On the wing of the ship! :'''Shake''': ''[Shoves Oglethorpe out of the way]'' Oh, that's mine! I dropped it! Now where is it again? :'''Oglethorpe''': Right there. Do you see it? It's there. :'''Shake''': Why, this could be very dangerous. I...I should go. :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, would you? Please save us...from all the money. :''[Cut to Shake in a pod in space, looking for the money]'' :'''Shake''': Shake to ship! I'm still not seeing it! :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, you can't see it? Well, let me turn on the light for you! :''[the ship flies away, sending Shake spinning to Earth.]'' :'''Shake''': Wait! :'''Oglethorpe''': Jackass! <hr width=50%/> :''[Carl is holding a tire iron.]'' :'''Carl''': Hey, buddy! :'''Shake''': Hey, Carl! Hey! Lawn looks great! :'''Carl''': Likin' it? :'''Shake''': Why's your house all curled up? :'''Carl''': I don't know, I was hoping maybe we could have a little dialogue about that. :'''Shake''': Hey, that's a nice tire iron, Carl. Is that yours? :'''Carl''': Yeah, let me get in there and show you the finish on it. Up close. :''[Carl gets in the pod. The door closes.]'' :'''Carl''': Taste the chrome! :''[Carl proceeds to brutalize Shake. The pod falls over.]'' ===Ol' Drippy=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen, be- :'''Steve''': Uhh, you know, you can just call me Steve. I mean, there's no one else here. :''[The creature from the black lagoon suddenly appears behind Steve]'' :'''Steve''': Right? :'''Dr. Weird''': MY MIND! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': You ever hear of a refrigerator, or a frickin' trash can?! :'''Master Shake''': No. :'''Frylock''': You got three raw chickens in here on the floor! A dog wouldn't even take a crap in here! :'''Master Shake''': Look, just take the hose and lightly spray everything out the back door. :'''Frylock''': No, no ''MY ASS, YOU WILL!'' :'''Master Shake''': Drape a tarp over it. :'''Frylock''': Oh no you're not! You're gonna go to the damn store and get some cleaning supplies! :'''Meatwad''': What's goin' on? :'''Master Shake''': Look at this mess! Did you do this? ''[long pause]'' Fine, alright!. I'll do it, but it's my decision to do this, I declare it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Schooly D''': Yo, man. I think that mold is a-movin'. If it move one more time, I’m gettin' my gat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': This here's Vanessa. I know she looks like an apple, but she's actually a full-grown woman, and she fell in love with her boyfriend, Dewey, here, and they go off into outer space and then they... they get married. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''':(angrily enters the house) Where's Meatwad?! :'''Frylock:''' What're you doing with that gutter? :'''Master Shake:''' What're you doin' with that beard, huh? Answer that, scientist! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': My telescope! And you've ruined it! How will I ever see the stars again? :'''Meatwad''': This ain't no telescope, it's Dewey. He's an engineer, and he works on the Supertrain. :'''Master Shake''': He does what?! You've got mental problems. ''[Hits Meatwad repeatedly with gutter]'' Taste the chrome! :'''Ol' Drippy''': ''[walking in with the "doll"]'' What's it taste like? :'''Master Shake''': Your mother's... ''[sees Ol' Drippy for the first time]'' AAAHHHH, MONSTER!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Did you see a woman in a bikini with a six-pack of beer and a surfboard come in here? :'''Frylock''': Was it made of cardboard, used to be up at the liquor store? :'''Carl''': Uhh...no. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': You two-timin' bitch! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Ohhh, she smells like dead mushrooms and cheeseburger meat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ol' Drippy''': Idle hands spend time at the genitals, and you know how much God hates that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frylock has suggested that Shake be "polite"; Shake intentionally knocks Ol' Drippy's latte out of his "hand".]'' :'''Shake''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to knock that out of your hand, I don't know what came over me! There, was that polite enough for you, Frylock?! I'm apologizing to your best friend in the whole universe! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': Shake, what is wrong with you? :'''Master Shake''': What's wrong with ''you''? Hey, why don't you go kiss your new best friend, you love him so damn much! I'm the one who cleaned the kitchen. I'm the authority! :'''Carl''': ''[at the door]'' Someone wanna tell me why my pool is full of hotdog chunks and dirty dishes? :'''Master Shake''': Oh Carl, you didn't mess with it did ya? Cause it's gotta set up for a couple days with the battery. :'''Carl''': The battery? :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, you know, the one from your car. I dumped some shampoo in there too, but it's dog shampoo so I dunno if it's gonna work, but were prayin' like hell that it does. :'''Carl''': No, no, no, I understand, I understand. I'm just gonna go, I'll be back in a few. You uh, you think that the gun store is still open? :'''Ol' Drippy''': Carl, please, I'll take care of the mess. He means well, he's just a little... well, I'd better not say. :'''Master Shake''': What? I'm a little what? :'''Carl''': Thank you, Drippy. You are very well-mannered and very nice. ''[To Master Shake]'' And ''you'' oughta take lessons from him! :'''Frylock''': [agreeing with Carl] That's right! :'''Meatwad''': [agreeing with both Frylock and Carl] Yeah, Shake. That's right! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': Oh yeah, he's nice now, but don't come looking for me when he's burying your bodies out in the desert. <hr width+50%/> [Meatwad kicks out Shake] :'''Meatwad''': Well, get out of here! What are you waiting on? I’m gonna chase you outta here! [Sidewalk at night. Shake is in the rain] :'''Shake''':[Making a post-and-lintel structure out of sofa cushions] That’s good. Okay, that’s all right. That looks good. Hey, who says I couldn’t do this, huh?[Lightning strikes the sofa cushions apart] AAAAHHH! Let me in! Will you let me in, dammit! I mean, guys! Hey-hey! Somebody wanna let me in, please?[Frylock goes to open the door for Shake] :'''Frylock''': Well, Shake! I thought you moved. :'''Shake''': What?! I never said that! Who said that!?(He starts coughing) :'''Ol Drippy''': Oh my. You’re burning up. :'''Shake''': Yes, I’m very... sick.(He coughs some more) :'''Ol Drippy''': Frylock, he needs medical help. :'''Frylock''': He needs an ass-whooping is what he needs. :'''Ol Drippy''': There’s no time! Here Shake, eat my head! :'''Shake''': Here! Kiss my ass! Forget about it!! :'''Ol Drippy''': I’m serious. Coat me with ranch. Chase me with cheese if you must, I don’t care. It’s the only way. :'''Frylock''': Drippy, don’t! What are you doing? :'''Meatwad''': Don’t do that, that’s going to hurt you! :'''Ol Drippy''': I’m saving his life! I’m half penicillin! :'''Frylock''': Well, I have some penicillin in my lab if that’s what this is all about. :'''Ol Drippy''': Oh, really? Well then, just give him some of that man, I mean- :'''Shake''': No, wait. Now, hold on a minute, I- I kind of like the taste of your head. I mean, you said it was the only way, right?(coughs again) :'''Meatwad''': Where are you going, Drippy? I- I love you! :'''Ol Drippy''': I'm going away for a while, Meatwad. And I may never come back. But I'll always be here, inside. :'''Shake''': Yeah, in my stomach, baby. :'''Ol' Drippy''': Close your eyes, Meatwad. ''[Shake takes a big bite out of Ol' Drippy]'' AAH! :'''Shake''': Leave your eyes open, Meatwad. I wanna horrify you into a coma. <hr width+50%/> :''[Shake is eating fried chicken in the pool after Drippy got hit by a truck while saving his life]'' :'''Shake''': Look...he pushed me. :'''Fryock''': He pushed you out of the way of that truck. :'''Shake''': Listen...he's in a better place. :'''Frylock''': He's in the ''grill'' of the truck! :'''Meatwad''': He was my best friend. :'''Shake''': Ah, well then you should know something. When he was pushing me...he mentioned something about not liking you. :'''Frylock''': Ah, man. :'''Shake''': I clearly heard it. :'''Meatwad''': Did he really? :'''Shake''': That stuck out. :'''Meatwad''': Well...I guess I'll have one of those wings then. Gimme one. :'''Shake''': ''[Throws a wing towards Meatwad]'' Here, fetch. :'''Meatwad''': Where's the meat?! This is a bone! :'''Shake''': Go make a doll out of that! ===Revenge of the Mooninites=== :'''Meatwad''': How am I ever gonna win that ten speed? :'''Master Shake''': How are you ever gonna ride a ten speed with no frickin' legs?! You're just gonna bust the ass that you don't even have! Who bothered to spawn you...and ''why''?! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Fryman, we're full of religion. Everyone, please, bow your heads and pretend to be serious. :'''Err''': Do it or I'll bow 'em for ya! :''[Frylock throws the Mooninites out of the house]'' :'''Ignignokt''': You have deeply offended us and our god, and our god is a god of vengeance...and horror :'''Err''': And action! :'''Ignignokt''': Our god is an Indian that turns into a wolf :'''Err''': That's [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wolfen_(film) Wolfen], man. :'''Ignignokt''': Well...the Wolfen will come for you with his razor. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Meatwad''': I do not want to do anything illegal here, but I would kill somebody in front of their own mama to get a ten speed and if anybody testifies against me, I'll gouge their eyes out. :'''Err''': Let's go get drunk and rip off a ten speed! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, we'll get a basket and a horn on the handle. :'''Err''': Then we'll set it on fire and wreck it into children and laugh at their parents and then we'll...get on the... ohh man, I'm toasted! :'''Ignignokt''': The innocent shall suffer... big time. <hr width = 50% /> :''[Ignignokt shows Carl the Foreigner Belt]'' :'''Carl''': Wait a second...is that from the '83 tour? Yeah! I saw those guys in the Meadow Lands with Bryan Adams! That was a kickass show! I totally copped this feel off this passed out broad when they were playing ''Urgent''. Every time I hear ''Urgent'' on the radio I think of that girl's boobs and...covered in vomit. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Meatwad''': Oh, yeah baby! That's a neat car she's washin'! You think that's a straight six? :'''Err''': I think I ''have'' a straight six! :'''Ignignokt''': Ooh, Err, your sexual innuendo is priceless! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Torch the dresser, Meatwad. :'''Meatwad''': But, this is where Carl keeps his clothes. :'''Ignignokt''': Look, these women don't have any clothes and they're not complaining. :'''Err''': Yeah, man. They're kissin' each other! :'''Ignignokt''': And you want Carl to be forever kissed, don't you? :'''Meatwad''': Well, I guess so.. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Your neighbor Carl was gracious enough to let us rip him off and burn his furniture for no reason. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Carl''': I don't need no instructions to know how to rock! ===MC Pee Pants=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen, behold! My beautiful fiancée! :'''Steve''': Uh, I think that's a giant spider. :''[MC Pee Pants grabs Dr. Weird and starts to mangle him]'' :'''Dr. Weird''': You're right! I've been betrayed! Run! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''':'' [listening to Bach]'' Yeah, now listen to ''that'' beat. Now that's a kickin' glissando! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': I like beatings, I'll beat ya all day! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Hey, which one of you guys has been playin' "I Like Candy", for a ''frickin' week''?!?! :'''Frylock''': It was your other neighbor. :'''Shake''': Meatwad. :'''Carl''': You know what? At this point, it doesn't matter, 'cause it keeps runnin' inside my head and it won't leave unless I blow it out, with a bullet! :'''Master Shake''': ''[notices Carl's mouth is full]'' What you eating there, Carl? ''(walks over to him)'' You gonna show me some love? :'''Carl''': Jawbreakers. For some reason, I can't get enough of 'em. :'''Master Shake''': Is that why your teeth are blue? :'''Carl''': Uh... no. :'''Master Shake''': Oh. Uh... So, why are you... :'''Carl''': Shut up. ''[brief silence, then begins singing]'' I like candy, bubblegum and ta--''DAMN IT!!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Trick or treat, smell my meat...''[Carl shuts the door]]'' ...Ah, man. :'''Carl''': ''[Opens the door]'' Look, Meatman, what are you doing trick-or-treatin'?! It's frickin' May. :'''Meatwad''': Look, I need candy. Now, are you going to give me some, or are you going to lose some teeth? :'''Carl''': I know, I've only heard your little song a thousand times! Now I need candy and I don't know why. :'''Meatwad''': Shhh... I don't listen to that kiddie crap any more, I'm check'n the adult jams now, see, check it. MC Pee Pants don't just want candy now, that's childish, he ''needs'' it. And when you need something that's a responsibility, that only only an adult... of my maturity... bunnies! :'''Carl''': Yeah, I got a deal at the dumpster, I mean, warehouse. Yeah, you might want to wipe the juice off 'em. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': You know Meatwad and Carl have been hanging out quite a bit lately. :'''Shake''': What, you want 'em to stop? ''(yelling out the front door)'' Rape, rape, oh rape! :'''Frylock''': No, no, no, it's fine, it's fine, but don't think it's a little bit weird that they started washing the car at midnight...and they're still doing it? :'''Shake''': Look, people do things, it's a fact. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': Shake, did you hear this lyric? About drilling a hole straight to hell, and releasing demons to create a global diet pill pyramid scheme?! :'''Master Shake''': Eh, I don't know. All that rap is is clicks and whistles. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': 612 Wharf Avenue? I know where that is, that's the, uh, abandoned warehouse next to Melon Shakers...th-the Gentlemen's Club. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': I should not walk so a child may live. ''[pause]'' That's what it does. :'''Frylock''': Get up! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Why aren't your lips moving? :'''MC Pee Pants''': Look, my shniggys, I had a strizzoke in my brizzain, okay? You know what I'm sayin'? So I can't move all good. Thanks for bringing that up, thank you very much! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': You're all the things that are in this ad: you're energetic, hard-working, you like people— :'''MC Pee Pants''': No, I love the liquid ''inside'' people. How many times I gotta tell you this, man? I'm insane! I eat people-juice. No one's gonna hire a people-juice eater! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In hell]'' :'''MC Pee Pants''': Hey guys. Hey man, who's into rap yo? :'''Satan''': Now you listen to me scab! We listen to speed metal! :'''MC Pee Pants''': Hey man it's cool. ''[Satan blasts MC P Pants with fire]'' AAAHH! :'''Satan''': No, it isn't! ===Dumber Dolls=== :'''Dr Weird''': Gentleman, behold. My time space contin- ''[freezes]'' :'''Steve''': What? ''[long pause]'' Uhhh....Dr. Weird? ''[pushes over Dr. Weird, and he explodes]'' See you later have a good weekend! <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': ''[After running over Meatwad's toys with a lawnmower]'' Hey, your astronauts better watch where they land their ship next time, 'cause they might get ''overrun'' by the alien life form, hahaha! :'''Meatwad''': They don't use ships, they use rocket boots. :'''Shake''': They don't use nothin' now, do they? <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': No, no I don't have a firearm, I just got these...action bills. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Frylock, where are the pills? :'''Frylock''': Pills? What do you need pills for? :'''Meatwad''': Well, Happy-Time Harry needs 'em. He says that the pills make the phone calls go away. :'''Frylock''': ''[Writes on a post-it note]'' Alright Meatwad, this is a prescription from Dr. Frylock for Jolly Sunshine Happiness! :'''Meatwad''': Oh, you think this is a game?! They're gonna garnish his wages and how's he gonna pay child support then, huh? I'll tell ya, he ain't! <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Look man, all you had was root beer and triple sec. :'''Frylock''': I was gonna make margaritas with that! :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Ah man, you had tequila the whole time?! Well, where the...where is it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': ''[To Meatwad]'' Tomorrow I'm getting you a new doll with a sunnier attitude! :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Hey man, while you're there, you get me that Happy-Time Dialysis Machine. :'''Frylock''': Dialysis? :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Yeah. I had half my liver removed and I'm not supposed to drink, but...I do. <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Go ahead, man. Let's do this thing. :'''Master Shake''': I told you I'd do it, I'm gonna do it now. Hey Meatwad, look at this! ''[With Shake turned away, Harry pours gasoline over himself]'' Come to the window! Big time fun... you know what I mean? :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Okay dude, I just did all the prep work, now let's get it on! DO IT! :'''Master Shake''': Well.. shoot... I mean I was just going to sort of blow your jaw off with a firecracker or something.. I wasn't gonna.. I think I need to go pray. :''[Cut to Meatwad's room]'' :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Yo, that milkshake's got no guts, man. :'''Meatwad:''' You know, Happy-Time...Just being around you kinda makes me wanna die... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jiggle Billy:''' So... ''[dances]'' we jigglin' or- :'''Happy-Time Harry:''' Hey! Backwoods retard. Not now, not ever! :'''Jiggle Billy:''' Okay! Naptime! ''[dances]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry:''' You know, sometimes I like to take this knife and just...cut myself. ''[Chuckles]'' See how hard I can do it before I just...pass out, man. :'''Jiggle Billy:''' Shoo...well, uhh...commence the jigglin' y'all! <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Hey, check it out, man. You know why you came in that box, right? That's 'cause someone put you there...to die. :'''Jiggle Billy''': That ain't true now. I...I got me these night-vision goggles ''[Puts the goggles on]'' :'''Happy-Time Harry''': ''[Knocks the goggles off]'' For what? You're a hillbilly! You don't even know who you are, do you? Look at you, you're a clown. You're a joke. :'''Jiggle Billy''': ''[Pathetically]'' I don't know why I have these goggles. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock:''' You’re gonna chuck him off a cliff? Shake, we could have chucked him off the roof and stayed at home. :'''Master Shake:''' No, This is a magic cliff here, like in The [[w:Highlander_(film)|Highlander]]. So, you will become The Highlander, and you’ll roam the earth forever, trying to kill yourself, but you wouldn’t be able to, because you’ll be…immortal. Won’t that suck, little man? [laughs] :'''Meatwad:''' Well actually, That sounds kinda cool. :'''Master Shake:''' Yeah, it does. :'''Meatwad:''' Then I’m gonna do it. :'''Master Shake:''' NO, YOU’RE NOT! I’m doing it! :'''Frylock:''' Shake, Wait! The Highlander was just a movie. I mean :'''Master Shake:''' Oh Frylock, The Highlander was a documentary, and the events happen in real time. :'''Meatwad:''' So, this cliff is magic? :'''Master Shake:''' Oh yeah, Big time. :'''Meatwad:''' I’m doing it now. :'''Happy-Time Harry''': No man, Look you gotta be born a Highlander, You can’t just…become one. :'''Frylock:''' See, he saw the movie too. :'''Meatwad:''' You know, that’s right. :'''Master Shake:''' I know, I saw cliffs, Okay. And there’s lots of magic everywhere…And Mel Gibson. :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Uhh, [[w:Braveheart|Braveheart]]? Hello? :'''Master Shake:''' Oh, You think you’re the expert? Lets see how much your ass know about FLYING! [throws Happy-Time off a cliff.] Yeah! that’s what I’m talking about. :'''Frylock:''' You done? Because that took forever... :'''Master Shake:''' I am-Well I am foreverrr.....I AM IMMORTAL!!! :'''Frylock:''' Shake, No! ''[Master Shake jumps off the cliff, his straw clinging to a branch]'' :'''Master Shake:''' Damn branch…Wait! I'm not immortal here, Okay? :'''Frylock:''' Hang on Shake, we'll call for help! :'''Meatwad:''' No, tell him to let go. :'''Master Shake:''' Yeah, Hurry! I think that the branch will hold for... ''[branch breaks]'' IT'S NOT HOLDING!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': (Floating in the pool with Meatwad) So, I guess the Highlander comes out of traction today. :'''Meatwad''': Well, I hoped they fixed his eyes. They got messed up pretty bad in that fall. :'''Frylock''': Well, the doctors gave him some hard plastic replacements, So don't stare at them, Okay? He’s real self conscious about it. :'''Meatwad:''' Okay. :'''Shake''': (comes in on wheelchair with large eyes) Alas, I return. :'''Frylock''': Oh! There you are! :'''Master Shake:''' Where are you? :'''Meatwad''': Dang! What happened to your eyes?! They look weird. :'''Frylock''': Shhh! :'''Shake''': Oh, shut up! “There can be, only one!” (Lifts up a sword and lightning strikes it, and then he drops it and falls out of the chair and is set on fire). :'''Meatwad''': We grillin' tonight. ===Bad Replicant=== :''[Dr. Weird is hanging upside-down.]'' :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen! Chop off my head with such velocity that my blood will rocket through my neck, and propel my lifeless body, all the way to Phoenix! :'''Steve''': Wow. Uh, what's in Phoenix? :'''Dr. Weird''': Why, it's your mama, Steve! Get the axe! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Look at it [the Earth] out there. Orbiting like it's so cool. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Look at him and tell me there's a God. :'''Meatwad''': He made me in His own image. :'''Master Shake''': Oh, yeah, God's a big meatball, I forgot. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha. :'''Meatwad''': He is. :'''Master Shake''': Does he stink like you do? <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, that's right. And he ain't my best friend, neither. He yells at me and scares me and locks me in the attic, and pours liquid on my head that stink, and freeze me with the fire extinguisher, and a whole bunch of other stuff I can't remember 'cause he shocked me in the head with a car battery. ''[pause]'' With a bunch of clamps, and sparks, and ... <hr width=50%/> :'''Emory''': Yeah, hey Oglethorpe, do you remember this guy [Shake]? :'''Oglethorpe''': I'm starting to. :'''Emory''': And how annoying he was. :'''Oglethorpe''': Yes, and how he scoffed at our magazines! :'''Emory''': So, uh, what were we gonna do with him? :'''Ogletorpe''': ...We shall use him for the armies ... of the night! :'''Emory''': But I thought the guy down there was going to build an army ... of the night. :'''Oglethorpe''': Different army dorkface! This army will take over the rest of the galaxy! You see how my mind works? It's like a laser! :'''Shake''': You know, I know you from somewere. :'''Oglethorpe''': He must not know who we are. Quick, paint the Mind Room! :'''Emory''': Uh, I'm still not done with the trim on that. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Oh, you're ki — Meatwad, it's not polite to stare. :'''Meatwad''': But, look at him. :'''Major Shake''': No, it's okay, I know. I'm totally, hideous. :'''Meatwad''': No i-it's cool, I was just wondering if that jambox worked, you know. Shake threw mine in a cobra cage, and dared me to go get it, and that's why I'm all puffy back here. <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, well son of a … imprison him within the rings! :''[Disco light rings come down around Shake.]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': You'll never move from that spot again, unless you like being cut in half! :''[The phone rings. Shake reaches through the rings to answer it.]'' :'''Master Shake''': Yelloo? :'''Oglethorpe''': The laser rings! :'''Master Shake''': Look, brother, these ain't nothin but disco lights. :'''Emory''': No, the installer said that they were imprison laser rings, and I, I believed him. :'''Oglethorpe''': Don't listen to him, for he is a witch! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Look, look, settle down, can you just maybe try and replicate some other people, and get an army going and then take over the entire planet. :'''Emory''': Or is that not possible. :'''Major Shake''': Well I don't know, I don't think I can replicate others, was that your plan? :'''Oglethorpe''': Well, one of them. We have many plans. :'''Major Shake''': Well maybe your next plan should be to tell me what the plan is. :'''Oglethorpe''': Look, settle down. It's all cool. :'''Major Shake''': No. No. Look at me dude. I'm a leaky, disgusting, abomination and I'm not going to do it anymore. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Did they not see us sitting here? :'''Major Shake''': No, I'm sure it'll come to them. :''(On the ship)'' :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, damn it! :'''Emory''': What? :'''Oglethorpe''': That was that man, the fry-man! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': So, is he like replicating it? :'''Frylock''': No, he's hotwiring it. :'''Meatwad''': Oh, shoot I was hoping I'd learn something. Science is a mystery to man, isn't it Frylock? :'''Frylock''': Yeah it sure is Meatwad... :'''Meatwad''': Like how we all evolved from the ancient dinosaur. I wish I had some of their stuff boy. Like them tail. Them tails that make 'em fly. :'''Frylock''': Shut up, Damn! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': So, did they, um … ever find your car? :'''Carl''': Oh, they found part of it, you know, hang'n from a trestle near the turnpike. Yeah the cops said he had a … a "straw-like protrusion" and a "cup-like body." You know anybody like 'at? :'''Frylock''': Uh, well, it wasn't Shake, Carl. He was abducted by aliens earlier this afternoon. :'''Carl''': Oh, I knew that. Yeah, of course. :'''Frylock''': He was … seriously. :'''Carl''': I hate you! <hr width=50%/> :'''Emory''': So, what are we gonna do with the prisoner? :'''Oglethorpe''': We shall ask the mighty Orbnauticus. :''[A disco ball comes down from the ceiling.]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': Orbnauticus, we seek wisdom. To what evil purpose shall we put our slave to use? <hr width+50%/> ===Circus=== :'''Shake''': Meatwad, get in this bag! :'''Frylock''': What?! :'''Shake''': What? I got airholes... it's a joke, it'a joke, ha ha, don't get in that bag, you little meat. :''[cut to Shake and Meatwad in an alley]'' :'''Shake''': Now you stay in that bag! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': So is this where the camp is? :'''Shake''': Yes, now gimme a hug. But, keep the bag on, okay? :'''Meatwad''': Smells like vomit. :'''Shake''': Shut up! The counselor is about the counsel you, and he will send you right back home if you talk and you'll never learn RAM! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Okay Shake, see you in a week. :'''Shake''': Yeah, I'll see you in a week. In hell! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Hey Randy, I don't know what's going on, but can I trade bunks? 'Cause my roommate's...wha- are those his organs? :'''Randy''': Oh that's Inside-Out Boy. His mouth is in his belly, so he's gotta slap at his vocal chords with his bladder in order to make words. :'''Meatwad''': ...I-I-I don't like this camp. Can I go home now? :'''Randy''': GROW INTO A MOUNTAIN DAMNIT! Terrify me! :'''Meatwad''': Now see, I don't do that but I can do this (turns into a hotdog) and this. (turns into a igloo) Ta-da! :'''Randy''': Ripped off again. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Hey, where's Meat Mountain there? :'''Frylock''': You mean Meatwad. :'''Carl''': Oh no, they were callin' 'im Meat Mountain last night. :'''Shake''': Okay, I'm gonna go. :'''Frylock''': You're not going anywhere Shake. :'''Carl''': Yeah, ya gotta come check this out man. Igloo, hot dog, igloo, that bit. But the whole time the stripper's shakin' it in front of 'im. :'''Frylock''': My goodness! Where was this?! :'''Carl''': The warehouse in front of Girls For You, you know, the lingerie modeling place. :'''Frylock''': Uh, no, I don't know Carl. :'''Carl''': Well-ell, twenty bucks, twenty minutes. I'm tellin' ya, one Friday night, you and me Fry-man, blow the lid off the joint! Yeah-heh! :'''Frylock''': I don't think so Carl. :'''Carl''': What, you gay? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': You sold Meatwad to the circus, didn't you?! :'''Shake''': Every day I buy and sell people like you! But no, I did not do that. But based on what I'm hearing here, someone may have. :'''Frylock''': How much, Shake? :'''Shake''': Two. :'''Frylock''': Two? Two what? :'''Shake''': Two dollars. What? What's wrong with that? :''[cut to Shake, Frylock, and Carl at the circus, where Shake sees the price of admission]'' :'''Shake''': Two dollars and fifty cents! Are they out of their minds?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Look, I don't work my ass off for twenty hours a week so I can throw my money away, that's wasteful! These bills are strictly for me to kiss...and slip in some stripper's underwear, so come on! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Wow, the crowd is really getting off on this. :'''Carl''': Well, that's great. I'm so happy for 'em. Where are the strippers?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Yeah, you the supervisor? Where were the strippers? :'''Randy''': Didn't need 'em. Meat Mountain pulls in the crowd all by himself. :'''Carl''': Well you give me back my $2.50, 'cause I ain't payin' for something that happens every day on the hood of my car! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Randy, he ''[Shake]'' ain't from space. :'''Randy''': Yeah, I know little guy, cause I'm the prince of Jupiter. :'''Meatwad''': You never told me that. :'''Randy''': See, years ago my dad sent me down here to conquer your species by ''infiltrating'' your gene pool, know what I mean? ''[chuckles]'' Know what I mean? :'''Meatwad''': No :'''Randy''': Well...when a man and woman love each other...physically...outside of a bar. :'''Meatwad''': Which bar? <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Listen to me Randy, it doesn't matter if you're white, or black, or a sasquatch even. As long as you follow your dreams, no matter how crazy or against the law it is. Except for sasquatch, if you're a sasquatch the rules are different. :'''Randy''': Forget it Meatwad, I'm a circus freak, and that's all I'll ever be. :'''Meatwad''': ...Whatever. <hr width=50%/> :''[Shake comes disguised As Meatwad]'' :'''Shake''': Hey, look at me! I'm stupid as hell, I can't even breathe properly, let alone read! What's that? :'''Randy''': And now.. the Amazing Arctic Igloo! :'''Shake''': What?! :'''Frylock''': Yeah, turn into that Igloo! :'''Carl''': Take your top off!! :'''Frylock''': Carl... :'''Randy''': Yeah..so..where is that, Milkshake? :'''Shake''': Well I uh.. ''(takes off his costume and shows it's really him in disguise with hair under his eyes)'' Look it's the Amazing Milkshake with the Bearded Eyes!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': And I'll tell you something else Frylock, I did not see one computer in that whole camp. :'''Frylock''': Yeah, yeah. Say, have you noticed that Indian burial ground that's coming up through our drain again? :'''Meatwad''': Nah, that's Inside-out Boy. He just needs a place to stay for a few days. :'''Shake''': Whoo, I just ate a whole bathtub full of cherry cobbler. It was delicious. :'''Meatwad''': ...You're joking, right? :'''Shake''': No, I'm not. :'''Meatwad''': ...NOOOOOOOOO!!! <hr width+50%/> ===Love Mummy=== <hr width=50%/> :''[Mummy is yelling in the basement]'' :'''Frylock''': Shake? ''[Yelling Continues]'' Shake! Turn those damn monster movies down-- ''[Notices nobody in the living room]'' Shake? :''[Master Shake and Meatwad enter living room]'' :'''Master Shake''': Who's watching my TV? Because I... :'''Meatwad''': I bought the damn TV! :'''Frylock''': Will you two shut up and listen? ''[Yelling Continues]'' It sounds like it's coming from the floor. :'''Master Shake''': ''[beats the floor with a broomstick]'' Will you SHUT UP?! You hear me?! It's three o'clock in the morning and I need to sleep! ''[Frylock knocks him out with chloroform]'' :'''Meatwad''': Hey, can I have some of that? :'''Frylock''': Just go to sleep and we'll deal with it in the morning. :'''Meatwad''': Yeah sure, I'll just go to sleep and tomorrow morning I'm gonna call me a social worker. ''[Frylock prepares a dose of chloroform]'' And tell him I'm in unfit living conditions and the city will be over here so fast tha-- oh. ''[Knocked out by chloroform]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': No, here's a better idea: Hell no. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Why does he get a lobster? :'''Frylock''': 'Cause he's the mummy, damn it! Now shut up! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Do you know what time it is, huh? It's 2:30 in the afternoon, and people are trying to sleep. ''[Notices the mummy]'' Whose mummy? :'''Frylock''': I found it in the crawlspace. :'''Master Shake''': So you were the one doing all the moaning when I was trying to sleep, huh? :''[Mummy giggles]'' :'''Master Shake''': Shake, you don't wanna piss him off. He has the power to curse you. :'''Meatwad''': Do it, Shake. Piss him off. :'''Master Shake''': I'll do what I want, when I want, and how I want, and no mummy— you hear me, Band-Aid... :'''Meatwad''': Here it comes. :'''Master Shake''': No mummy is gonna tell me what to do. :'''Mummy''': Curse! Curse! CURSE! :'''Meatwad''': Oh, damn. :'''Master Shake''': You done? We all done... :'''Mummy''': CURSE! :'''Master Shake''': Now are you done? :'''Mummy''': Yes. :'''Master Shake''': Cause I'm done listening to you. I got a curse for you. It's called, "tomorrow morning, your ass is outta here." I'm going back to bed! :'''Mummy''': Curse. :'''Master Shake''': I heard it already! I know! It's a friggin' curse! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Shake, I think he may have cursed you. :'''Master Shake''': ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, je-ya think? Cuz, I mean, he only said it about a thousand times! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': (reading) "The curse of the mummy is just a figure of speech. Vomiting locusts for a thousand years is just an old wives tale. The ''real'' curse of the mummy is that he is completely socially inept, devoid of all manners, gold-digging, manipulative, and a selfish brat. Don't ever wake him unless you have a lot of time and money on your hands. Thank you for buying ''Mummies for Dummies''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': ''[Wearing the Mummy's Hat]'' I'm the King! King Carl! :'''Mummy''': ''[Yelling in the Background]'' :'''Carl''': ''[Mimicing Egyptian Music]'' Da da da da daaa, you know I'm your ruler! :'''Mummy''': CURSE! CUUURSE! :'''Carl''': Huh hun huh hee, yeah ''[Mummy continuing to yell]'' SHUT UP! <hr width+50%/> ===Dumber Days=== :'''Meatwad''': Shoot, I'm so dumb as hell I'll never get hired in today's fast-paced world. I'm just gonna go inside and wait for my body to die. :'''Schoolly D''': ''[Narrating]'' Aw, c'mon Meatwad, you can't be that dumb. :''[Pan to Meatwad inside Carl's bedroom]'' :'''Meatwad''': What, is this not my room? :'''Carl''': What do you think? :'''Meatwad''': ......Yes? :''[Carl throws Meatwad out the window]'' :'''Schoolly D''': Well, damn. Maybe Meatwad ''is'' that dumb. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Wait a second. This ain't no brain, this is a damn bee's nest. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': A book?! No sir! Shake says that books is from the devil, and that TV is twice as fast. :'''Frylock''': Twice as fast at what? :'''Meatwad''': Information. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[Reading from ''"The Tiniest Bullfrog"'']'' Jeremy the Bullfrog lived in a tiny swamp on the edge of town. Every day he would dream of playing professional basketball. But he lived in a swamp, far away from the city lights and a major market team. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': One look at Niels Bohr's atomic model makes it abundantly clear that there is a way to pass through solid matter. So in summation, we can have our daily tea-party in the fifth dimension. :'''Frylock''': Knock-knock. Well, I hope I'm--OH MY GOD! :''[Meatwad is about 10-15 times his usual size]'' :'''Meatwad''': Frylock, what a pleasant surprise. I'm just finishing up my symposium. You've met my colleagues, Professor Vanessa and Dr. Dewey. :'''Frylock''': Yeah, what happened to your body, man?! :'''Meatwad''': Well, it's obvious, isn't it? Thermal expansion. :'''Frylock''': No, it's not thermal expansion. I know what thermal expansion is. :'''Meatwad''': Okay, fine, I'm sure that you do. Let's see.. how can I explain this without blowing your mind. :'''Frylock''': Oh yes, please. Dumb it down for me. :'''Meatwad''': Heisenburg's Uncertainty Principle tells us that at a specific curvature of space, knowledge can be transferred into energy-- :'''Frylock''': Heisenburg's Uncertainty--! :'''Meatwad''': ...and this is key now...matter. :'''Frylock''': No it does not! :'''Meatwad''': Well, some people struggle with Heisenburg. ''[pulls out a yo-yo]'' Look, here's a toy. It goes up and down on a string. Doesn't that look like fun? :'''Frylock''': ''[knocks yo-yo away]'' Get that out of my face! :'''Meatwad''': Why don't you take that into the other room while the adults are doing important research here. :'''Frylock''': Oh, I'm sorry Professor! I didn't realize knowledge could also transform you into an arrogant ass! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[levitating a boy in a car with his mind]'' Quiet! I need complete concentration or the child will die. <hr width=50%/> :''[Carl's car crashes on his roof]'' :'''Carl''': Ohh, do not tell me that that is my car up there on the roof! :'''Meatwad''': Okay, we won't. :'''Carl''': Get it down! :'''Meatwad''': Okay. :'''Carl''': Wait, wait no don't! ''[car crashes to the ground]'' DAMMIT! ===Interfection=== <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr Weird''': ''(his head has shrunk and speaking in a high pitch voice)'' GENTLEMEN! TURN IT ON! :'''Steve''': Okay. ''(pushes a button to pump Dr Weird's head)'' :'''Dr Weird''' ''(head gets bigger and bigger)'' ''TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Plaque is a figment of the liberal media and the dental industry to scare you into buying useless appliances and pastes. Now, I've read the arguments on both sides, and I haven't found any evidence yet to support the need to brush your teeth. ''Ever.'' :'''Meatwad''': I don't know how you'd know; you ain't got no teeth. :'''Master Shake''': Well, I got rid of my teeth at a young age, because...I'm straight. Teeth are for gay people. That's why fairies come and get 'em. :'''Meatwad''': If teeth make me gay then sign me up, 'cause I wish I had 'em. <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': Computer, search for teeth and plaque conspiracy ''(pause),'' and Metallica. :'''Meatwad''': And Justin Timberlake. ''[Shake ignores him]'' Do a search for Justin Timberlake. ''[Shake continues to ignore him]'' ... J-U-S-- :'''Shake''': Please hush up. The search needs complete silence to work. :'''Meatwad''': Oh shoot, I forgot. I'm sorry. :'''Master Shake''': Well, I'm sorry, but if ''you'' can't learn that little lesson, then someone's going to get their little mouth stabbed shut with skewers! And then we'll see how easily the axe slices through the meat! :''[Meatwad's eyes get big, then he starts bawling.]'' :'''Master Shake''': All right, okay. Maybe that was a little huge. Listen, I would never hit you with an axe... :''[Meatwad's sobs subside as he pauses for a second and looks up at Master Shake]'' :'''Master Shake''': ...when you had skewers stabbed through your mouth. :''[Meatwad immediately resumes crying.]'' :'''Master Shake''': I would think one or the other would be enough. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': All right! Five point nine percent over APR! You don't get that every day! :'''Master Shake''': Are you kidding?! With APR like that I could just die! <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that I was in the Supreme frickin' Court here! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah. Neither did I. :'''Shake''': Should I have my lawyer present for my frickin' trial?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Is it hot, girl-on-girl action? <hr width=50%/> :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': It's so easy to use, and the surgery to implant it in the base of your skull is so painless, it's no wonder I'm #1! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': [appears on a monitor] Hello there, Internet Cyberville. Hey, if your watching this right now, I'm running outta oxygen and I seriously need to get to my bathroom, WHICH IS CURRENTLY BEING BLOCKED BY SOME STUPID ASS HIT-THE-MONKEY THING! [pop-up falls on Carl's fingers cutting them] Oh god! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Hey listen, could you get me some chicks that ''don't'' have the ZZ Top Lumberjack look? If I wanted to date Sasquatch, I'd call your mother. Ha-ha! <hr width=50%/> :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': But the skull implant comes in this decorative tin. :'''Frylock''': Decorate ''this!'' ''[uses eye lasers to blow up pop-up ad for the tin]'' :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': Okay, okay, okay, okay! Fine! Fine. Don't use our service. Get left in the digital dust! But remember, you could have won a Porsche. <hr width=50%/> :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': And after this 90-day trial, you will be judged and sentenced to a lifetime of interactive sports, news, and information. And we will continue to draw from your account, because banks don't care. It's not their money. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': I'm tired of livin' in this tree, now. How long till we gonna go home? :'''Frylock''': Two more weeks. :'''Meatwad''': TWO MORE WEEKS?! :'''Frylock''': Shut up and eat your squirrel meat! :'''Shake''': Squirrel meat, bleh. :''[Pop up ads begin to appear as the Wwwyzzerdd cackles in the background]'' :'''Shake''': What? I got wireless. ''[Hits an ad]'' What? ===PDA=== :'''Shake''': Someone stole my PDA, and I will ruin this house with my anger! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': Look Shake, people usually get a PDA when they have a job, and friends, and a life! :'''Shake''': Look, you, you, you happen to have no idea what I do for a living do you? :'''Frylock''': You're damn right I don't! I saw you boil a hot dog today. Did you get paid for that?! :'''Shake''': Because I don't have access to my scheduling book, because my PDA's gone! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': Wha, oh come on! We're lookin' for my thing, together, we're like buds, it's cool. Hey, you fly. You go, why don't you go check the gutters. :'''Frylock''': But, why would it be up in the gutters, Shake? :'''Shake''': That's where your DVD burner ended up, when it decided not to work. :'''Frylock''': Oh, I ''damn'' sure better not find that up there! :'''Master Shake''': Well, that's the last place I remember chucking it. :''[Frylock flies to the roof.]'' :'''Frylock''': ''[yelling]'' Hey! Dammit! You did throw my DVD burner up here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': I have some parents, Frylock? :'''Frylock''': Hell no, you don't have any damn parents! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': This is your captain speaking and welcome to the glass-bottom boat ride at the world famous Trenton Tar Pits. I just wanna let you all know I'm a convicted sex offender. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Tar, well, I tell ya if I wanna smell like a shingle, I go get my frisbee and my tanktop and my [[w:Captain EO|Captain EO]] out of the gutter. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': There ain't nothin' down here but tar and a condom wrapper! This is gross! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': All right, and I'm back, ladies and gentlemen. They won't be bothering us anymore. I chased them off with my nudity...does that arouse anyone down there, or... :'''Meatwad''': What does that mean? :'''Frylock''': It means that we're gonna get off this boat right now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': Okay, and we've docked...and I feel a little sexy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': Who down there wants to meet the captain? And feel sexy with him. :'''Meatwad''': Oooh, I do, I wanna meet the captain! :'''Frylock''': No, you don't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': Ah, jee whiz! This is the greatest gift I ever got in my life that I never wanted ever! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Romulox''': Oh, I didn't see your knock-offs there, nice. Are you goin' for the ironic look, or the look-I-don't-have-any-money look? :'''Shake''': I don't know, which one would you do? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': What's wrong with your elbow? :'''Romulox''': Oh, you didn't get that surgery. I'm sorry. :'''Meatwad''': We don't have insurance. :'''Romulox''': Only two people have the easy-flow elbow, and one of them happens to be named [[w:Bruce Willis|Bruce Willis]]. <hr width+50%/> ===Mail Order Bride=== :'''Frylock''': Santa's coming tonight Meatwad, so I really need your Christmas list— :'''Meatwad''': Here. :'''Frylock''': …and if you've been a good boy this year, you may just get this…this L-shaped thing. :'''Meatwad''': No, see, what that is, is a hair dryer. :'''Frylock''': You want a hair dryer? :'''Meatwad''': Yeah. :'''Frylock''': For what? You don't have any- :'''Meatwad''': Keep reading, next to the hair dryer. :'''Frylock''': This—this is a squiggle. :'''Meatwad''': No, that's hair. You read it backwards, fool. So go get it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Oh, man. I cannot wait. I got the oils, the candles, the works! When does that babe get here? :'''Master Shake''': Carl, don't refer to her as a "babe", please. She is a Chechnyan prostitute, and you will address her as such. :'''Carl''': Look, just don't cash that check immediately. I wanna make sure that both of us marryin' her is gonna be, you know, legal. :'''Master Shake''': Of course it is! What are you kidding me? Santa Claus ain't legal and he's around. :'''Carl''': Well, I guess that makes sense, you know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': Look merry, dammit! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Shoo, that sure was a good sleep I had. WHERE ARE THE DAMN PRESENTS?! :'''Frylock''': It's 4:00 in the afternoon Meatwad, that wasn't Santa. :'''Meatwad''': Well, you know, maybe Santa's just gettin' a jump start on things this year. 'Cause, you know, statistics they show that there are more people in the world today. That's China's fault. :'''Frylock''': Where do you get this information? :'''Meatwad''': Regis. <hr width="50%"/> :''[on a ladder]'' :'''Carl''': Look, would you just hold it with your hands?! :'''Master Shake''': I can do two things at the same time, chubby. :'''Carl''': No, ya can't! :'''Master Shake''': ''[reading a magazine to himself]'' Huey Lewis making a comeback! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Carl has broken his neck.]'' :'''Carl''': Hey, get back here! I think I need some help here! :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, I know you do. :''[Master Shake walks away.]'' :'''Carl''': Get back here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': Well, there ain't gonna be no dinner this year. :'''Frylock''': What about your girlfriend. I thought she was gonna cook. :'''Master Shake''': "Co-fiancee." Let's get it right, please. :'''Frylock''': "Co-"? :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, you know, I'll split her with Carl. So he's "co-owner." :'''Frylock''': You're depraved. :'''Master Shake''': Yes, thank you, I think she sees that quality in me. But that damn Carl is so Selfish. :'''Meatwad''': Carl should remember the reason for the season. :'''Master Shake''': The reason for the season is pleasin and I ain't gettin much pleasin and Carl better get his ass with the program. :'''Carl''': Get with what program, Cup? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Hey fry-man, you think I can get you to come over here and uh, blow a frickin' hole in my wall? :'''Frylock''': What's wrong, Carl? :'''Carl''': Well, for starters, she's barricaded herself inside the house. And every time she talks to me, it's in this, like, language. It's like some demon yelling at me, or something! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Schoolly D''': Santa Claus got barbeque sauce in his drawers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Okay, I'm awake. Let's, uh, friggin go get married. :'''Meatwad''': Oh Good! :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, brotha! :'''Carl''': Let's get married, yeah! :''[at Carl's house]'' :'''Frylock''': And do you, Svetlana... what does this say? :'''Carl''': Look, just say Smith or Jones or something... there's no way you can pronounce that right. :'''Frylock''': Svetlana Smith take Carl... :'''Carl''': Just say Smith again, it don't matter... none of this matters. :'''Frylock''': ...Smith to be your lawfully wedded husband... :'''Master Shake''': Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! :'''Frylock''': ...to honor... :'''Master Shake''': Back up! Rewind! :'''Frylock''': ...take Carl, and Master Shake... :'''Master Shake''': That's more like it. :'''Frylock''': to be your lawfully wedded husbands as long as you three shall live. :'''Svetlana''': ''[speaking Russian, from inside Carl's house]'' :'''Carl''': Alright, yeah! :'''Master Shake''': Alright, score! :'''Carl''': Sweet nectar! :'''Frylock''': Okay, now shove the ring under the door. :'''Master Shake''': No, we're not doing the ring, I'm not gettin' roped into all that. :'''Frylock''': How can you not have a ring? :'''Master Shake''': No, it ends here. I haven't seen food once since she's shown up. :'''Carl''': He's right, let's do this thing - light this candle. :'''Frylock''': By the power invested in me by the state of New Jersey I now pronounce you men and wife. You may now kiss the door. :'''Master Shake''': Blow it open Frylock. :'''Carl''': Do it! :'''Svetlana''': [speaking Russian; escapes] :'''Carl''': Svetlana, baby? :'''Master Shake''': Great! Great! :'''Carl''': Oh Man! She got the car. :'''Meatwad''': Well technically, it's half hers now, right? Or a third, I don't know. :'''George''': Introducing the new Misters and Mrs. Bertwoski! :'''Carl''': It's Brutananadilewski! And you get the hell out of here! :'''Master Shake''': No way, you are staying! We got him til two. <hr width+50%/> ===Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future=== :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Now in the future, the past has occurred. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': You're the Ghost of Christmas Past...right? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': That is correct. :'''Carl''': Okay, well...I mean, you know that it's February...right? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[pause]'' I am a robot. :'''Carl''': Well, you know, obviously. What are you, stupid? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[stutters]'' I will see you in December, tomorrow! :'''Carl''': Okay, whatever there, just lock your door on the way- :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[breaks through the wall]'' Do what? :'''Carl''': Nevermind, just leave! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Flashback to Carl's house on Christmas in the 1960s]'' :'''Carl''':''[opening his present]'' Oh boy oh boy oh boy I hope this is a new mommy! :'''Carl's Dad''': Yeah, it's not. Hurry up and open it, ya little creep, we gotta be at work in an hour. :'''Carl''': What is this, is this carpet, daddy? :'''Carl's Dad''': Carpet? No. That's [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Berber_carpet berber], its an industry term. :'''Carl''': Hey, look it's a magic flyin' carpet! Look at me, I'm flyin' around in Egyptland! :'''Carl's Dad''':''[cuts Carl off]'' Yeah, that's cute. Don't get too attached there, Aladdin, 'cause its about to be magic flyin' dinner. :'''Carl''':''[looking worried]'' Y-you can't eat carpet... Silly Daddy. :'''Carl's Dad''': Hehe, not like that you can't. You gotta boil it, till the glue gets soft.:''[looks at his watch]'' Oh jeez, look at the time! :'''Carl''': But it's Christmas, Daddy! :'''Carl's Dad''': You're not getting out of this one! Put on your work boots and your respirator! I pulled ''A LOT'' of strings to get them to hire an 8 year old. :'''Carl''':''[Muttering to himself]'' Don't make me go, I don't wanna make insulation... :'''Carl's Dad''': ''C'MON, WE'RE LATE!!!!'' :'''Carl''': OH GOD! :''[Robot appears and lasers shoot everywhere]'' :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': You remember that Christmas, don't you? :'''Carl''': Yeah, well, you know, I remember eating carpet. Not so much the, uh, lasers and the robots. <hr width=50%/> :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': And that is where babies come from … for machines. :'''Meatwad''': Boy, that's some story. That...kinda is different from what I been told about people loving each other...and, you know, physically... :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': No! That is very wrong! You cling to your pathetic fable of fluid exchange. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': (after finding his swimming pool filled with blood) It looks like someone wrung a herd of cows through a juicer or something! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Wait, wait...who unionized? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Wouldn't you like to know? Probably yo mama. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Man, it makes me sad they had to open their gifts in front of an ape and they were all made out of doodoo. What kinda Christmas is that?! :'''Frylock''': It's okay Meatwad. This is all a bunch of bull. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': You don't believe? :'''Frylock''': Believe what? That you're a ghost and Santa Claus is an ape? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever- :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''Was'' an ape. Now he is a machine! :'''Meatwad''': I left cookies and a glass of milk FOR A MACHINE?!! :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': No man, he's an ape. ''[They look at him questioningly]'' I mean, wait he is a machine! You were trying to mess me up on purpose! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': But I thought everyone back then was undeveloped? Couldn't make machines with their crinkled hands. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Well the elves came from the red planet, and there was much defecation. :'''Frylock''': Yeah, yeah, you mentioned that. How long ago did you say this was? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[Fog rolls in]'' Thousands of years ago- :'''Frylock''': Oh shut up! You still haven't explained why the pool is filled with elf blood! :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': I told you earlier, it was the Great Circuiting. :'''Frylock''': You didn't mention no "Great Circuiting". :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Oh, I didn't? ''[pause]'' Thousands of years ago... <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': I hate to be a buzz kill, but he said that your house is on elf graves and they're pissed off. :'''Carl''': All right, fine, we'll do that. :'''Meatwad''': And the blood's just gonna keep flowing, unless …. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Unless Carl pays tribute to the Elfin Elders in space. :'''Carl''': I'll do it. What do I do? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': You must give up yourself to the Great Red Ape. :'''Carl''': Okay … how much? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Sexually. :'''Carl''': … wonderful. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': What did you say your name was again? :'''Glenn Danzig''': Danzig, mother fucker! I got a question: can you make the blood flow up the walls? :'''Carl''': Lemme go talk to my blood guy over here. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': I don't see why not. :'''Carl''': That's elf blood, too. That ain't cheap-- :'''Glenn Danzig''': How much you want? :'''Carl''': Oh, I dunno...a million? :'''Glenn Danzig''': Killer. Draft the check tomorrow. :'''Carl''': You're serious--THANK YOU GOD!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Glenn Danzig''': Now look, you listen to me as hard as you fucking can. That fucking robot came with the fuckin' house, and now he's fucking gone! If you see that mother-- :'''Master Shake''': Oh, don't worry, we'll tell you! :'''Glenn Danzig''': You fucking better. If I find out he's over here, I'm gonna be eating my cereal out of the bottom of your fuckin' skull! Verstandlich?!! ''[Glenn walks away]'' :'''Master Shake''': Ok. So... thank you :'''Meatwad''': ''[To Cybernetic Ghost]'' Hey you come out now. He's gone. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': (about Danzig) I cannot live with that guy. He is ''so'' annoying, he is ''so'' frightening, and he doesn't wear a shirt. :'''Master Shake''': You make our house bleed right now! ==External links== {{wikipedia|Aqua Teen Hunger Force (season 1)|Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 1)}} *[http://video.adultswim.com/aqua-teen-hunger-force/ ''Aqua Teen Hunger Force''] at Adult Swim *{{imdb title||Aqua Teen Hunger Force}} [[Category:Aqua Teen Hunger Force seasons]] {| class="wikitable" border="1" style="width:100%; text-align: center;" | width="30%" | <small>N/A</small> | width="30%" | '''''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]'' [[w:List of Aqua Teen Hunger Force episodes|seasons]]''' | width="30%" | Succeeded by<br>'''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 2)|Season 2]]''' |} {{Adult Swim}} ea20qjignmqagce3malihvelw12w0v6 3157860 3157859 2022-08-25T15:40:25Z 45.5.116.93 /* Dumber Dolls */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 1)|1]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 2)|2]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 3)|3]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 4)|4]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 5)|5]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 6)|6]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 7)|7]] | [[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1]] | [[Aqua Something You Know Whatever]] | [[Aqua TV Show Show]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force|'''Main''']] ---- <br> '''''[[w:Aqua Teen Hunger Force|Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''''', (also known by various [[w:Aqua Teen Hunger Force#Alternative titles|alternative titles]]), (2000–15) is an [[w:animated series|animated television series]] from the [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]]'s [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]] programming block. The show follows the exploits of three [[w:anthropomorphic|anthropomorphic]] fast food items: [[w:Master Shake|Master Shake]], the milkshake; [[w:Frylock|Frylock]], the carton of French fries; and [[w:Meatwad|Meatwad]], the aptly named wad of meat. ===[[w:Rabbot|Rabbot]]=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen! Vegetables have threatened man for generations. I have obtained funds to solve this vegetable nightmare! :'''Steve''': Uh, Dr. Weird — :'''Dr. Weird''': Behold... :'''Steve''': I thought that grant was for somewhat to cure diseases, and …. :'''Dr. Weird''': The grant?! What is that?! :'''Steve''': Dyuhhh …. :''' Dr. Weird''': Shut up. Behold! The Rabbot! ''[The door lifts up and reveals Dr. Weird's monstrous fifty-foot Rabbot]'' :'''Steve''': But, Dr. Weird — :'''Dr. Weird''': Now bring me my large French perfume and spray him in the eyes, because that's how it happened to me! ''[The Rabbot's face is sprayed with a giant bottle of French perfume]'' Now you feel pretty, don't you? Wa, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! ''[The Rabbot hops out the door and toward the lab wall]'' The Rabbot! My creation! ''[The Rabbot smashes through the lab wall and Steve jumps out from behind his hiding spot behind the desk.]'' :'''Dr. Weird''': What has science doooone? :''[the Rabbot hops down the street and proceeds to jump on top of Carl's car, effectively destroying it.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl:''' '''''WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FREAKIN' CAR?!''''' :'''Master Shake''': Good morning, Carl. How's it goin'? :'''Carl''': Oh yeah, good mornin' to you there, Mr. Food Monster, this is how it's goin'. Look at my frickin' car. It is crushed...to bajesus and back. :'''Master Shake''': Have you gotten any estimates? :'''Carl''': Ah, for the love of--I just found it this way. :'''Master Shake''': Carl... :'''Carl''': I just walked out here, for frickin' sake! :'''Master Shake''': Hey Carl, its okay...it's cool man, I'm a detective. Clear the crime scene and let me think...meteors did it! That'll be $20. :'''Frylock''': Hey, Carl. :'''Carl''': Great, we got the Fryman up here. :'''Master Shake''': I have not called for you, Frylock. What are you doing here? :'''Frylock''': I ''live'' here. :'''Master Shake''': Well, quit hovering. ''I'' am the leader! :'''Frylock''': Man, your car is messed up! How are you going to get to work, Carl? :'''Carl''': I work out of the home. :'''Master Shake''': Frylock, send Carl to work, then we shall solve this mystery and make $20. :'''Carl''':I work out of the home. Do not point that fry thing at me. :'''Master Shake''': Quickly, Carl, the ray is upon you. Where do you work? :'''Carl''': I done told ya, I work out of the home! Now stop with the Freak Beam! :'''Master Shake''': Send Carl to the home then! :'''Frylock''': To the home! :'''Carl''': STAY OUT OF MY POOL!! ''[Frylock beams Carl up and drops him flat on his back on his roof]'' Ow, my hip! :'''Master Shake''': Okay, that'll be $20. :'''Frylock''': So, what now, Shake? :'''Master Shake''': We shall solve the mystery from Carl's pool! :'''Carl''':: OH, NO, DON'T GOT TO MY POOL!!! :'''Master Shake''': Goin' to the bank! <hr width=50%/> :''[in Carl's pool]'' :'''Frylock''': This is a fun pool. I do like splashing. :'''Master Shake''': Yes, playing is for pleasure. We should have a pool. Make us one from the sky. I command it. :'''Frylock''': ''[sarcasm]'' Yeah, yeah, I'll do that. :'''Master Shake''': Seriously, I do command it :'''Frylock''': I wonder who killed Carl's car. :'''Master Shake''': A car cannot be "killed"! It was murdered by someone who is jealous of Carl's ability to drive. JEALOUSY is the motivation! <hr width=50%/> :'''Schooly D''': Man everybody know meat don't sleep. <hr width=50%/> :''[Meatwad is dancing, before Master Shake jumps on Meatwad's boom-box and destroys it.]'' :'''Master Shake''': Dancing is forbidden! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Where are we going? :'''Master Shake''': Shut your deformed mouth Meatwad, before I NAIL it shut! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': The scent seems to be coming from that mall :'''Master Shake''': I know! :'''Meatwad''': All right! I want some jeans! :'''Master Shake''': (pushes past him) I'M the one who wants some jeans! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': How did you get back there?! That's for salespersons only. I want to get back there. Get me back there! :''[Meatwad changes shape into a bridge over the sales counter.]'' :'''Meatwad''': Here. Take the Meat Bridge! It's right here! :'''Master Shake''': Meat Bridge? No. :''[Master Shake smashes a hole in sales counter.]'' :'''Meatwad''': Fine. Don't take the Meat Bridge. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Well, as long as we don't go back to the lab. :'''Frylock''': I need to go back to the lab. :'''Master Shake''': God! That'll take a thousand hours! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Does it LOOK like I'm OK?! Stand back, and I shall destroy him! SHAKE POWER ACTIVATE! ''[Shake huffs and puffs and excretes a glob of milkshake onto the road]]'' Now come over here and slip on it, if you dare, rabbit! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': I have called this meeting to say that downtown is no longer safe. :''[Cut to the Rabbot who is still causing havoc in the city]'' :'''Master Shake''': So, in short, we need to pick some new restaurants and night clubs. :'''Carl''': GET OUTTA MY FRICKIN' POOL! ===Escape From Leprauchpolis=== <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen! I have created... this thing! :'''Steve''': What is it? :'''Dr Weird''': I don't know. Stand over here. :'''Steve''': Uh, you mean right here? ''(gets catapulted by a rainbow into the sky)'' :'''Dr. Weird''': It WORKS! ''I am one can short of a six pack''! Wha-ha-ha-ha-ha! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[in the pool for the first time]'' Master Shake said it would dissolve me and then I would get clogged in the filter and then beavers would come and eat me. But that hasn't happened yet! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Look, I have a brain! ''(pause)'' I just took it out so it wouldn't get wet! :'''Frylock''': Yeah, man. He took his brain out. It's cool! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': All right, I'm gonna give this "Rainbow" thing another five minutes, and if it don't show up quick, then I am goin' down to the store and gettin' a hot-rod magazine, 'cause they got the chicks with the boobs in there! :'''Flargan''': ''[looking at Carl through binoculars]'' Excellent, another victim falls prey to me brilliant e-mail plan. Soon we will have enough treasure to rule all of New Jersey. :'''Merle''': Flargan, he doesn't really look like he has any money...or a job, or a wallet. :'''Flargan''': Well I...I'm sure he has some decent tennis shoes. :'''Merle''': He doesn't even have pockets. Look, he's wearing sweatpants. :'''Flargan''': Dingle, engage the rainbow machine! :'''Dingle''': Feet! :''[Dingle turns on the machine]'' :'''Carl''': Yeah, here come the gold! Aw, look at this now, I don't see crap in there. I know this game. This is how they get you. :''[He gets sucked up in the rainbow, and lands flat on his back in the forest]'' :'''Flargan''': Yes, fat man, this IS how we get you! :'''Carl''': Hey there, where's the gold there? :'''Flargan''': Flip-flops? What is this!? :'''Merle''': What did I say? No money, no job, no taste. <hr width=50%/> :'''Merle''': ''[upon seeing Master Shake and Meatwad]'' What in the hell is that?! You know this whole plan is attractin' nothin' but a bunch of goobers. :'''Flargan''': What do their shoes look like? :'''Merle''': Seems kinda stupid doing this whole thing for shoes. :'''Flargan''': It's not just for shoes! It's...it's for... :'''Merle''': It's for what? This [[w:Bananarama|Bananarama]] tape with no case? We really scored big on that one, didn't we, buddy? <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': He told me to get in the freezer 'cause there was a carnival in there. There was no carnival! It was a damn freezer! I got freezer burn and I got mushed up against a chicken. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Let's go. They don't have nothin', it's like a flea market threw up in there. :'''Meatwad''': Look, a Bananarama tape! :'''Master Shake''': That's mine! Drop it where you are! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': You don't need a machine to make a rainbow, for rainbows are made of happy thoughts, and dreams, and chocolate unicorns, and gumdrops, and licorice sunsets, and fuzzy gumdrop bears, in Sugar-Covered Chocolate Gumdrop Land. :'''Master Shake''': No way in hell. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': All right! The ''real'' rainbow! I did it! I brought happiness and joy to us all! :''[a rainbow rips Carl's house off its foundation and flings it through the air.]'' :'''Master Shake''': Wow! :'''Carl''': Oh, good. :''[Awkward silence.]'' :'''Meatwad''': Well, I gotta go...see ya later. <hr width+50%/> ===Bus of the Undead=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen, behold: Mothmonst- ''(Mothmonsterman flies off)'' Oh no! Mothmonsterman, no! Come back! :'''Steve''': He has escaped. :'''Dr. Weird''': Yes, through the hole. ''[slips and falls]'' My banana! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Good morning, Carl! :'''Carl''': Yeah, it is a good morning there little man...''it's three in the morning!!!!!!!!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Look, all I know is that this cord here was plugged into my house, and your house was glowin' like the frickin' sun! So I put two and two together there hey, and decided that you're pissin' me off. :'''Master Shake''': We are truly sorry, Carl, and it will probably never happen again. Can we have our cord back? :'''Carl''': No, no there. I'm just gonna keep it there, since it's uh, mine anyways. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mothmonsterman''': Oh, hey, where you guys been? :'''Master Shake''': Memphis. :'''Mothmonsterman''': Really?! That's awesome. How was it? :'''Master Shake''': Oh, it was very nice. They light up the bridge. We had fried catfish. :'''Meatwad''': When did you have fried catfish? <hr width=50%/> :[''Frylock, Master Shake and Meatwad return home to find Carl tied up with silk, hanging from the ceiling''] :'''Frylock''': What have you done with him? :'''Mothmonsterman''': I just laid a thousand of my eggs inside his esophagus. You know, I need to propagate my species and, he's bein' a baby about it. :'''Frylock''': You know, we have a cloner. :'''Mothmonsterman''': Seriously? :[''Inside Frylock's office, a timer dings''] :'''Frylock''': Oh, no- the cloner! :'''Master Shake''': The brownies! :'''Meatwad''': My brownies! :[''Winged monsters, made from a mix of insect and brownie DNA, burst out of Frylock's office''] :'''Master Shake''': Run! To the pool! :[''Frylock, Master Shake and Meatwad run outside''] :'''Mothmonsterman''': Wait, you have a pool? [''Brownie monsters swarm the living room''] Oh, my God- :[''Out in the backyard''] :'''Frylock''': You put a brownie in my cloning device, didn't you? :'''Master Shake''': No! Yes. I don't know. Maybe! Look, that was six weeks ago! I locked the door; let 'em just duke it out. :'''Meatwad'''': You didn't lock the door, it was out in the yard...! :[''A huge swarm of brownie monsters attacks''] ===Mayhem of the Mooninites=== :'''Ignignokt''': ''(knocks on Carl's door)'' Hello, Carl. I am Ignignokt, and this is Err. :'''Err''': I am Err! :'''Ignignokt''': We are Mooninites from the inner core of the Moon. :'''Err''': You said it right! :'''Ignignokt''': Our race is hundreds of years beyond yours. :'''Err''': Man, do you hear what he's sayin'?! :'''Ignignokt''': Some would say that the Earth is our moon. :'''Err''': We're the moon. :'''Ignignokt''': But that would belittle the name of our moon... which is the Moon. :'''Err''': The point is, we're at the center. Not you! :'''Carl''': No, the real point is: I don't give a damn! ''(slams door)'' <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Your jambox is now his by way of our actions. :'''Master Shake''': Yes, Meatwad, with actions! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Err''': Shoot him the bird! :'''Ignignokt''': Yes, give him the finger. :'''Meatwad''': The finger? Like this? ''(turns into a hot-dog)'' :'''Ignignokt''': No. Not at all like that. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Err''': We smoke as we shoot the bird! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': You and your "third dimension." :'''Frylock''': Yeah? What about it? :'''Ignignokt''': Oh, nothing. It's cute. We have five. :'''Err''': Th-thousand. :'''Ignignokt''': Yes, five thousand. :'''Err''': Don't question it! :'''Frylock''': Oh yeah? Well, I only see two. :'''Ignignokt''': Well, that sounds like a personal problem. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Frylock''': I don't think Meatwad should be hanging around with these Moon people. :'''Master Shake''': I don't think I should be playing with these medium strings. I need light gauge if I'm gonna thrash! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Using keys to gouge expletives onto another's vehicle is a sign of trust and friendship. :''[Cut to Carl standing outside his house, looking at his vandalized car.]'' :'''Carl''': ''Who did this to my frickin' car!!??'' <hr width = 50% /> :'''Carl''': So maybe you be a good person to ask who wrote ''The Moon Rulez #1'', on my car, with a key! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Carl''': ''[Effortlessly dodging the Mooninites' shot]'' Nice shot there, Brick Out. ''[Unbeknownst to Carl, the shot rebounds off his house and back towards him]'' Now I want you jokers out of this- ''[The shot hits Carl and he phases out as he is transported to the moon]'' OH GOD! MY BACK! WHOOOAAAA... <hr width = 50% /> :''[Frylock has blown up the TV with his laser vision]'' :'''Ignignokt''': What was that? :'''Err''': Whoa! Did those just come out of your eyes? :'''Ignignokt''': They're primitive :'''Err''': Damn! Those are fast, man! :'''Ignignokt''': We are not impressed :'''Err''': Hey, wasn't that cool? <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': ''[Giving Frylock the finger from space]'' I hope he can see this because I'm doing it as hard as I can. <hr width+50% /> ===Balloonenstein=== :'''Carl''': Oh, sweet, sweet nectar. It's like my pool is tearin' ass around the backyard. But it's stayin' still. Still waters run deep! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Grab my potatoes, Carl! :'''Carl''': Sure, why not? <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': The real spaghetti got wet when I was boiling it so… it’s in the dryer! :'''Meatwad''':Why didn’t you say so! It's probably dry by now, so let's go get it. ''[saying as he gets into the dryer]'' Now remember, I like it spicy! :'''Shake''': Ha ha ha! So stupid! :'''Meatwad''': Hey, wait a second! Why's it spinnin'? :'''Schoolly D''': Come on, think about it, Meatwad! It's a dryer, man! Of course it's gonna spin! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Ooh. Damn! What dimension was that? Carl, your hands! :'''Carl''': Yeah, I know, I see 'em; they're very big. Well, it was fun. I'm gonna go take a nap now and then I think I'm gonna call, uh, some hospitals. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Shake, where is my popsicle? :'''Shake''': Please, wait a second... :'''Meatwad''': I require a popsicle every 15 minutes! You obviously did not read the memo! :'''Shake''': ''This'' is your memo? (''holds up a drawing'') I don't even know what this is! :'''Meatwad''': ''(zaps Shake)'' You sicken me with your lies. :'''Shake''': I'll make you some right away! :'''Meatwad''': "Make" me some? Please do not insult what little intelligence I have. I need it ''now''. :'''Shake''': Then I'll go to the store! Please sir! :'''Meatwad''': Yes you will. Now what is the magic word, '''''bitch'''''? :'''Shake''': PLEASE, let me go to the store and get popsicles for you! Thank you sire! :'''Meatwad''': That's right. ''(releases Shake; Shake runs out the door)'' You better run, boy! And bring back some chocolate syrup, too, or your fate is sealed! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Everybody hates me 'cause they die or get hurt. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Will this hurt 'im? :'''Frylock''': It shouldn't. :'''Master Shake''': Then ''why'' are we doing it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': ''[Chasing Meatwad with pencils]'' This is for shooting me in the roof and sending me to the store making me call you sire! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Go destroy Balloonenstein! :'''Meatwad''': Do what now? :'''Frylock''': Pop the balloon with the glass! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, yeah, okay. ''[long pause]'' Do what now? :'''Frylock''': Pop him with the glass! The glass in your head! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, yeah, I know. Don't yell at me! ''[pause]'' Do what now? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Damn it, he needs his brain. Otherwise he "just gonna float around forever sayin' "Do what now?" :'''Meatwad''': Do what now? :'''Master Shake''': Guess what? He's not gettin his brain back, because it is now the nerve center for the city of the future: LAS BRAINGELES! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''(now a 50 foot meatball, speaking in a booming voice)'' '''Where are my popsicles?!''' :'''Frylock''': Damn! :'''Master Shake''':''(scared)'' Is that you, God? :'''Meatwad''': '''Frylock, get away from the pool.''' :'''Frylock''': Aw, hell... ''(moves away from the pool)'' :'''Meatwad''': ''(leaps into the air)'' '''''CAN OPENER!!!!!!!!!!!''''' ===Space Conflict from Beyond Pluto=== :''(Trying to barbecue melons)'' :'''Emory''': How do want your melon? :'''Olgethorpe''': Emory, the melon's on fire! :'''Emory''': Well of course they're on fire. They're not made to be cooked. :'''Oglethorpe''': What do ''you'' know of fire? You prance around like you have laser eyes. You don't! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': I have an amazing plan to betray our new friend … hah-hah-hah! :'''Emory''': I thought the plan was to barbecue with him. :'''Oglethorpe''': Plans are for fools! When he gets here, we melt him … and laugh … on into the night! :'''Emory''': Why don't we just...talk to him and stuff? :'''Oglethorpe''': Why don't you shut up and let me do what I want for a change? <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Hey, hey, what is with all this interrogation? Let's toss the frisbee...over there ''[Points to the melting chamber]''...''WHERE WE WILL MELT YOU INTO FLUID!'' ''[begins stomping on the frisbee]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': We are on a top secret mission of world domination! :'''Frylock''': World domination? You guys couldn't take over a damn bowl of Jell-O! :'''Emory''': Hey, is that, like, an important place or something? :'''Oglethorpe''': ''[threateningly]'' Where is it? <hr width=50%/> :''[Frylock realizes that the Plutonians are complete idiots and wants to leave.]'' :'''Frylock''': Okay, look, which one of these buttons beams me out of here? :'''Oglethorpe''': Those buttons are red! You'll destroy us all! :''[Frylock pushes a button. Balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling and music plays.]'' :'''Emory''': All right, party time! :'''Oglethorpe''': Whose birthday is it? Someone gets a spanking! :''[Frylock pushes another button. Shake appears on the ship.]'' :'''Shake''': Hey, happy birthday! Hey, who's the lucky boy? :'''Frylock''': Shake, how did you get in this beam? :'''Shake''': Look, that beam came from space. You don't own space, so stop acting like you do. <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': You might be interested to know that we are just about to destroy your planet! :'''Master Shake''': Oh, go ahead, I'm not there, ah, it's fine. <hr width=50%/> :'''Emory''': You really think we need to blow up their planet? :'''Oglethorpe''': That's what I said, blow it up! Let's blow it up! :'''Emory''': Alright, fine. :''[Oglethorpe pushes a button. Balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling and music plays again.]'' :'''Emory''': ...Did it blow up, man? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': You cannot cut someone's lawn with matches, Meatwad! :'''Meatwad''': Look, I know that. You gotta have gasoline, otherwise how's it gonna spread to the street? :'''Carl''': ''(banging on the Aqua Teen's door)'' Open this damn door now! :'''Meatwad''': Oh, is he mad? Don't open it. :'''Carl''': I heard that! Open this door! <hr width=50%/> :''[the Plutonians have put Shake in the melting chamber.]'' :'''Emory''': Why isn't he melting? I mean, the beam's supposed to be on. :'''Oglethorpe''': Well, it's not! I'm looking right at it and it's not on. :'''Emory''': Maybe we need the remote. :'''Oglethorpe''': Well, maybe you shouldn't have run the melter through the VCR, Scheisskopf! :'''Emory''': Well, maybe it's 'cause you said "I want all meltings to be taped", even though you never watch 'em! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': '''''NOW, WHERE'S THAT DAMN REMOTE?!?!''''' <hr width=50%/> :''[Shake accidentally fires off an escape pod holding the Plutonians' remote control]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': What in the hell was that?! :'''Emory''': That was the, uh...escape pod. :'''Oglethorpe''': Damn it! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Stop pressing the buttons in there! :'''Shake''': This whole ship's a bunch of buttons! And I'm done with this Redbook, I was done with it the minute I saw it. And I'm hungry! :'''Oglethorpe''': You will eat what we say! :'''Emory''': You will eat ''when'' we say. That's right. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Uh, Shake... :'''Shake''': What do you want? :'''Frylock''': Carl is here... :'''Shake''': How did you get this--I'm not here! :''[At the Aqua Teens' house, Frylock, Carl, and Meatwad are watching Shake on the computer.]'' :'''Carl''': Oh, you're not there? :'''Shake''': Hello, Carl. :'''Carl''': Hey, buddy, how ya doin' there? Pizza Land, huh? That's lots of fun. Hey, uh, I wanted to let you know that '''''YOU BURNED MY FRICKIN' HOUSE DOWN!!!!!!!!!!''''' :'''Shake''': But the grass is gone--- :'''Carl''': Oh yea the grass is gone, just like how your face is gonna be gone after I '''SHOVE IT IN A PASTRAMI SLICER!!!''' <hr width=50%/> :''[Shake has asked for a new virtual environment. He appears in what appears to be a live-action park. He finds himself next to a horse.]'' :'''Female Computer Voice''': Welcome to this horse's anus. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[after Carl's house has burned down]'' Hey Carl, you want me to shampoo the rug? :'''Carl''': What's the frickin' point, Meatman? :'''Meatwad''': So you can give me some money. <hr width=50%/> :''[The Plutonians enact a plan to get rid of Shake]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, look over there! One hundred dollars! On the wing of the ship! :'''Shake''': ''[Shoves Oglethorpe out of the way]'' Oh, that's mine! I dropped it! Now where is it again? :'''Oglethorpe''': Right there. Do you see it? It's there. :'''Shake''': Why, this could be very dangerous. I...I should go. :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, would you? Please save us...from all the money. :''[Cut to Shake in a pod in space, looking for the money]'' :'''Shake''': Shake to ship! I'm still not seeing it! :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, you can't see it? Well, let me turn on the light for you! :''[the ship flies away, sending Shake spinning to Earth.]'' :'''Shake''': Wait! :'''Oglethorpe''': Jackass! <hr width=50%/> :''[Carl is holding a tire iron.]'' :'''Carl''': Hey, buddy! :'''Shake''': Hey, Carl! Hey! Lawn looks great! :'''Carl''': Likin' it? :'''Shake''': Why's your house all curled up? :'''Carl''': I don't know, I was hoping maybe we could have a little dialogue about that. :'''Shake''': Hey, that's a nice tire iron, Carl. Is that yours? :'''Carl''': Yeah, let me get in there and show you the finish on it. Up close. :''[Carl gets in the pod. The door closes.]'' :'''Carl''': Taste the chrome! :''[Carl proceeds to brutalize Shake. The pod falls over.]'' ===Ol' Drippy=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen, be- :'''Steve''': Uhh, you know, you can just call me Steve. I mean, there's no one else here. :''[The creature from the black lagoon suddenly appears behind Steve]'' :'''Steve''': Right? :'''Dr. Weird''': MY MIND! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': You ever hear of a refrigerator, or a frickin' trash can?! :'''Master Shake''': No. :'''Frylock''': You got three raw chickens in here on the floor! A dog wouldn't even take a crap in here! :'''Master Shake''': Look, just take the hose and lightly spray everything out the back door. :'''Frylock''': No, no ''MY ASS, YOU WILL!'' :'''Master Shake''': Drape a tarp over it. :'''Frylock''': Oh no you're not! You're gonna go to the damn store and get some cleaning supplies! :'''Meatwad''': What's goin' on? :'''Master Shake''': Look at this mess! Did you do this? ''[long pause]'' Fine, alright!. I'll do it, but it's my decision to do this, I declare it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Schooly D''': Yo, man. I think that mold is a-movin'. If it move one more time, I’m gettin' my gat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': This here's Vanessa. I know she looks like an apple, but she's actually a full-grown woman, and she fell in love with her boyfriend, Dewey, here, and they go off into outer space and then they... they get married. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''':(angrily enters the house) Where's Meatwad?! :'''Frylock:''' What're you doing with that gutter? :'''Master Shake:''' What're you doin' with that beard, huh? Answer that, scientist! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': My telescope! And you've ruined it! How will I ever see the stars again? :'''Meatwad''': This ain't no telescope, it's Dewey. He's an engineer, and he works on the Supertrain. :'''Master Shake''': He does what?! You've got mental problems. ''[Hits Meatwad repeatedly with gutter]'' Taste the chrome! :'''Ol' Drippy''': ''[walking in with the "doll"]'' What's it taste like? :'''Master Shake''': Your mother's... ''[sees Ol' Drippy for the first time]'' AAAHHHH, MONSTER!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Did you see a woman in a bikini with a six-pack of beer and a surfboard come in here? :'''Frylock''': Was it made of cardboard, used to be up at the liquor store? :'''Carl''': Uhh...no. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': You two-timin' bitch! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Ohhh, she smells like dead mushrooms and cheeseburger meat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ol' Drippy''': Idle hands spend time at the genitals, and you know how much God hates that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frylock has suggested that Shake be "polite"; Shake intentionally knocks Ol' Drippy's latte out of his "hand".]'' :'''Shake''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to knock that out of your hand, I don't know what came over me! There, was that polite enough for you, Frylock?! I'm apologizing to your best friend in the whole universe! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': Shake, what is wrong with you? :'''Master Shake''': What's wrong with ''you''? Hey, why don't you go kiss your new best friend, you love him so damn much! I'm the one who cleaned the kitchen. I'm the authority! :'''Carl''': ''[at the door]'' Someone wanna tell me why my pool is full of hotdog chunks and dirty dishes? :'''Master Shake''': Oh Carl, you didn't mess with it did ya? Cause it's gotta set up for a couple days with the battery. :'''Carl''': The battery? :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, you know, the one from your car. I dumped some shampoo in there too, but it's dog shampoo so I dunno if it's gonna work, but were prayin' like hell that it does. :'''Carl''': No, no, no, I understand, I understand. I'm just gonna go, I'll be back in a few. You uh, you think that the gun store is still open? :'''Ol' Drippy''': Carl, please, I'll take care of the mess. He means well, he's just a little... well, I'd better not say. :'''Master Shake''': What? I'm a little what? :'''Carl''': Thank you, Drippy. You are very well-mannered and very nice. ''[To Master Shake]'' And ''you'' oughta take lessons from him! :'''Frylock''': [agreeing with Carl] That's right! :'''Meatwad''': [agreeing with both Frylock and Carl] Yeah, Shake. That's right! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': Oh yeah, he's nice now, but don't come looking for me when he's burying your bodies out in the desert. <hr width+50%/> [Meatwad kicks out Shake] :'''Meatwad''': Well, get out of here! What are you waiting on? I’m gonna chase you outta here! [Sidewalk at night. Shake is in the rain] :'''Shake''':[Making a post-and-lintel structure out of sofa cushions] That’s good. Okay, that’s all right. That looks good. Hey, who says I couldn’t do this, huh?[Lightning strikes the sofa cushions apart] AAAAHHH! Let me in! Will you let me in, dammit! I mean, guys! Hey-hey! Somebody wanna let me in, please?[Frylock goes to open the door for Shake] :'''Frylock''': Well, Shake! I thought you moved. :'''Shake''': What?! I never said that! Who said that!?(He starts coughing) :'''Ol Drippy''': Oh my. You’re burning up. :'''Shake''': Yes, I’m very... sick.(He coughs some more) :'''Ol Drippy''': Frylock, he needs medical help. :'''Frylock''': He needs an ass-whooping is what he needs. :'''Ol Drippy''': There’s no time! Here Shake, eat my head! :'''Shake''': Here! Kiss my ass! Forget about it!! :'''Ol Drippy''': I’m serious. Coat me with ranch. Chase me with cheese if you must, I don’t care. It’s the only way. :'''Frylock''': Drippy, don’t! What are you doing? :'''Meatwad''': Don’t do that, that’s going to hurt you! :'''Ol Drippy''': I’m saving his life! I’m half penicillin! :'''Frylock''': Well, I have some penicillin in my lab if that’s what this is all about. :'''Ol Drippy''': Oh, really? Well then, just give him some of that man, I mean- :'''Shake''': No, wait. Now, hold on a minute, I- I kind of like the taste of your head. I mean, you said it was the only way, right?(coughs again) :'''Meatwad''': Where are you going, Drippy? I- I love you! :'''Ol Drippy''': I'm going away for a while, Meatwad. And I may never come back. But I'll always be here, inside. :'''Shake''': Yeah, in my stomach, baby. :'''Ol' Drippy''': Close your eyes, Meatwad. ''[Shake takes a big bite out of Ol' Drippy]'' AAH! :'''Shake''': Leave your eyes open, Meatwad. I wanna horrify you into a coma. <hr width+50%/> :''[Shake is eating fried chicken in the pool after Drippy got hit by a truck while saving his life]'' :'''Shake''': Look...he pushed me. :'''Fryock''': He pushed you out of the way of that truck. :'''Shake''': Listen...he's in a better place. :'''Frylock''': He's in the ''grill'' of the truck! :'''Meatwad''': He was my best friend. :'''Shake''': Ah, well then you should know something. When he was pushing me...he mentioned something about not liking you. :'''Frylock''': Ah, man. :'''Shake''': I clearly heard it. :'''Meatwad''': Did he really? :'''Shake''': That stuck out. :'''Meatwad''': Well...I guess I'll have one of those wings then. Gimme one. :'''Shake''': ''[Throws a wing towards Meatwad]'' Here, fetch. :'''Meatwad''': Where's the meat?! This is a bone! :'''Shake''': Go make a doll out of that! ===Revenge of the Mooninites=== :'''Meatwad''': How am I ever gonna win that ten speed? :'''Master Shake''': How are you ever gonna ride a ten speed with no frickin' legs?! You're just gonna bust the ass that you don't even have! Who bothered to spawn you...and ''why''?! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Fryman, we're full of religion. Everyone, please, bow your heads and pretend to be serious. :'''Err''': Do it or I'll bow 'em for ya! :''[Frylock throws the Mooninites out of the house]'' :'''Ignignokt''': You have deeply offended us and our god, and our god is a god of vengeance...and horror :'''Err''': And action! :'''Ignignokt''': Our god is an Indian that turns into a wolf :'''Err''': That's [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wolfen_(film) Wolfen], man. :'''Ignignokt''': Well...the Wolfen will come for you with his razor. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Meatwad''': I do not want to do anything illegal here, but I would kill somebody in front of their own mama to get a ten speed and if anybody testifies against me, I'll gouge their eyes out. :'''Err''': Let's go get drunk and rip off a ten speed! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, we'll get a basket and a horn on the handle. :'''Err''': Then we'll set it on fire and wreck it into children and laugh at their parents and then we'll...get on the... ohh man, I'm toasted! :'''Ignignokt''': The innocent shall suffer... big time. <hr width = 50% /> :''[Ignignokt shows Carl the Foreigner Belt]'' :'''Carl''': Wait a second...is that from the '83 tour? Yeah! I saw those guys in the Meadow Lands with Bryan Adams! That was a kickass show! I totally copped this feel off this passed out broad when they were playing ''Urgent''. Every time I hear ''Urgent'' on the radio I think of that girl's boobs and...covered in vomit. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Meatwad''': Oh, yeah baby! That's a neat car she's washin'! You think that's a straight six? :'''Err''': I think I ''have'' a straight six! :'''Ignignokt''': Ooh, Err, your sexual innuendo is priceless! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Torch the dresser, Meatwad. :'''Meatwad''': But, this is where Carl keeps his clothes. :'''Ignignokt''': Look, these women don't have any clothes and they're not complaining. :'''Err''': Yeah, man. They're kissin' each other! :'''Ignignokt''': And you want Carl to be forever kissed, don't you? :'''Meatwad''': Well, I guess so.. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Your neighbor Carl was gracious enough to let us rip him off and burn his furniture for no reason. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Carl''': I don't need no instructions to know how to rock! ===MC Pee Pants=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen, behold! My beautiful fiancée! :'''Steve''': Uh, I think that's a giant spider. :''[MC Pee Pants grabs Dr. Weird and starts to mangle him]'' :'''Dr. Weird''': You're right! I've been betrayed! Run! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''':'' [listening to Bach]'' Yeah, now listen to ''that'' beat. Now that's a kickin' glissando! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': I like beatings, I'll beat ya all day! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Hey, which one of you guys has been playin' "I Like Candy", for a ''frickin' week''?!?! :'''Frylock''': It was your other neighbor. :'''Shake''': Meatwad. :'''Carl''': You know what? At this point, it doesn't matter, 'cause it keeps runnin' inside my head and it won't leave unless I blow it out, with a bullet! :'''Master Shake''': ''[notices Carl's mouth is full]'' What you eating there, Carl? ''(walks over to him)'' You gonna show me some love? :'''Carl''': Jawbreakers. For some reason, I can't get enough of 'em. :'''Master Shake''': Is that why your teeth are blue? :'''Carl''': Uh... no. :'''Master Shake''': Oh. Uh... So, why are you... :'''Carl''': Shut up. ''[brief silence, then begins singing]'' I like candy, bubblegum and ta--''DAMN IT!!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Trick or treat, smell my meat...''[Carl shuts the door]]'' ...Ah, man. :'''Carl''': ''[Opens the door]'' Look, Meatman, what are you doing trick-or-treatin'?! It's frickin' May. :'''Meatwad''': Look, I need candy. Now, are you going to give me some, or are you going to lose some teeth? :'''Carl''': I know, I've only heard your little song a thousand times! Now I need candy and I don't know why. :'''Meatwad''': Shhh... I don't listen to that kiddie crap any more, I'm check'n the adult jams now, see, check it. MC Pee Pants don't just want candy now, that's childish, he ''needs'' it. And when you need something that's a responsibility, that only only an adult... of my maturity... bunnies! :'''Carl''': Yeah, I got a deal at the dumpster, I mean, warehouse. Yeah, you might want to wipe the juice off 'em. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': You know Meatwad and Carl have been hanging out quite a bit lately. :'''Shake''': What, you want 'em to stop? ''(yelling out the front door)'' Rape, rape, oh rape! :'''Frylock''': No, no, no, it's fine, it's fine, but don't think it's a little bit weird that they started washing the car at midnight...and they're still doing it? :'''Shake''': Look, people do things, it's a fact. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': Shake, did you hear this lyric? About drilling a hole straight to hell, and releasing demons to create a global diet pill pyramid scheme?! :'''Master Shake''': Eh, I don't know. All that rap is is clicks and whistles. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': 612 Wharf Avenue? I know where that is, that's the, uh, abandoned warehouse next to Melon Shakers...th-the Gentlemen's Club. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': I should not walk so a child may live. ''[pause]'' That's what it does. :'''Frylock''': Get up! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Why aren't your lips moving? :'''MC Pee Pants''': Look, my shniggys, I had a strizzoke in my brizzain, okay? You know what I'm sayin'? So I can't move all good. Thanks for bringing that up, thank you very much! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': You're all the things that are in this ad: you're energetic, hard-working, you like people— :'''MC Pee Pants''': No, I love the liquid ''inside'' people. How many times I gotta tell you this, man? I'm insane! I eat people-juice. No one's gonna hire a people-juice eater! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In hell]'' :'''MC Pee Pants''': Hey guys. Hey man, who's into rap yo? :'''Satan''': Now you listen to me scab! We listen to speed metal! :'''MC Pee Pants''': Hey man it's cool. ''[Satan blasts MC P Pants with fire]'' AAAHH! :'''Satan''': No, it isn't! ===Dumber Dolls=== :'''Dr Weird''': Gentleman, behold. My time space contin- ''[freezes]'' :'''Steve''': What? ''[long pause]'' Uhhh....Dr. Weird? ''[pushes over Dr. Weird, and he explodes]'' See you later have a good weekend! <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': ''[After running over Meatwad's toys with a lawnmower]'' Hey, your astronauts better watch where they land their ship next time, 'cause they might get ''overrun'' by the alien life form, hahaha! :'''Meatwad''': They don't use ships, they use rocket boots. :'''Shake''': They don't use nothin' now, do they? <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': No, no I don't have a firearm, I just got these...action bills. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Frylock, where are the pills? :'''Frylock''': Pills? What do you need pills for? :'''Meatwad''': Well, Happy-Time Harry needs 'em. He says that the pills make the phone calls go away. :'''Frylock''': ''[Writes on a post-it note]'' Alright Meatwad, this is a prescription from Dr. Frylock for Jolly Sunshine Happiness! :'''Meatwad''': Oh, you think this is a game?! They're gonna garnish his wages and how's he gonna pay child support then, huh? I'll tell ya, he ain't! <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Look man, all you had was root beer and triple sec. :'''Frylock''': I was gonna make margaritas with that! :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Ah man, you had tequila the whole time?! Well, where the...where is it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': ''[To Meatwad]'' Tomorrow I'm getting you a new doll with a sunnier attitude! :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Hey man, while you're there, you get me that Happy-Time Dialysis Machine. :'''Frylock''': Dialysis? :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Yeah. I had half my liver removed and I'm not supposed to drink, but...I do. <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Go ahead, man. Let's do this thing. :'''Master Shake''': I told you I'd do it, I'm gonna do it now. Hey Meatwad, look at this! ''[With Shake turned away, Harry pours gasoline over himself]'' Come to the window! Big time fun... you know what I mean? :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Okay dude, I just did all the prep work, now let's get it on! DO IT! :'''Master Shake''': Well.. shoot... I mean I was just going to sort of blow your jaw off with a firecracker or something.. I wasn't gonna.. I think I need to go pray. :''[Cut to Meatwad's room]'' :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Yo, that milkshake's got no guts, man. :'''Meatwad:''' You know, Happy-Time...Just being around you kinda makes me wanna die... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jiggle Billy:''' So... ''[dances]'' we jigglin' or- :'''Happy-Time Harry:''' Hey! Backwoods retard. Not now, not ever! :'''Jiggle Billy:''' Okay! Naptime! ''[dances]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry:''' You know, sometimes I like to take this knife and just...cut myself. ''[Chuckles]'' See how hard I can do it before I just...pass out, man. :'''Jiggle Billy:''' Shoo...well, uhh...commence the jigglin' y'all! <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Hey, check it out, man. You know why you came in that box, right? That's 'cause someone put you there...to die. :'''Jiggle Billy''': That ain't true now. I...I got me these night-vision goggles ''[Puts the goggles on]'' :'''Happy-Time Harry''': ''[Knocks the goggles off]'' For what? You're a hillbilly! You don't even know who you are, do you? Look at you, you're a clown. You're a joke. :'''Jiggle Billy''': ''[Pathetically]'' I don't know why I have these goggles. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock:''' You’re gonna chuck him off a cliff? Shake, we could have chucked him off the roof and stayed at home. :'''Master Shake:''' No, This is a magic cliff here, like in The [[w:Highlander_(film)|Highlander]]. So, you will become The Highlander, and you’ll roam the earth forever, trying to kill yourself, but you wouldn’t be able to, because you’ll be…immortal. Won’t that suck, little man? [laughs] :'''Meatwad:''' Well actually, That sounds kinda cool. :'''Master Shake:''' Yeah, it does. :'''Meatwad:''' Then I’m gonna do it. :'''Master Shake:''' NO, YOU’RE NOT! I’m doing it! :'''Frylock:''' Shake, Wait! The Highlander was just a movie. I mean-... :'''Master Shake:''' Oh Frylock, The Highlander was a documentary, and the events happen in real time. :'''Meatwad:''' So, this cliff is magic? :'''Master Shake:''' Oh yeah, Big time. :'''Meatwad:''' I’m doing it now. :'''Happy-Time Harry''': No man, Look you gotta be born a Highlander, You can’t just…become one. :'''Frylock:''' See, he saw the movie too. :'''Meatwad:''' You know, that’s right. :'''Master Shake:''' I know, I saw cliffs, Okay. And there’s lots of magic everywhere…And Mel Gibson. :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Uhh, [[w:Braveheart|Braveheart]]? Hello? :'''Master Shake:''' Oh, You think you’re the expert? Lets see how much your ass know about FLYING! [throws Happy-Time off a cliff.] Yeah! that’s what I’m talking about. :'''Frylock:''' You done? Because that took forever... :'''Master Shake:''' I am-Well I am foreverrr.....I AM IMMORTAL!!! :'''Frylock:''' Shake, No! ''[Master Shake jumps off the cliff, his straw clinging to a branch]'' :'''Master Shake:''' Damn branch…Wait! I'm not immortal here, Okay? :'''Frylock:''' Hang on Shake, we'll call for help! :'''Meatwad:''' No, tell him to let go. :'''Master Shake:''' Yeah, Hurry! I think that the branch will hold for... ''[branch breaks]'' IT'S NOT HOLDING!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': (Floating in the pool with Meatwad) So, I guess the Highlander comes out of traction today. :'''Meatwad''': Well, I hoped they fixed his eyes. They got messed up pretty bad in that fall. :'''Frylock''': Well, the doctors gave him some hard plastic replacements, So don't stare at them, Okay? He’s real self conscious about it. :'''Meatwad:''' Okay. :'''Shake''': (comes in on wheelchair with large eyes) Alas, I return. :'''Frylock''': Oh! There you are! :'''Master Shake:''' Where are you? :'''Meatwad''': Dang! What happened to your eyes?! They look weird. :'''Frylock''': Shhh! :'''Shake''': Oh, shut up! “There can be, only one!” (Lifts up a sword and lightning strikes it, and then he drops it and falls out of the chair and is set on fire). :'''Meatwad''': We grillin' tonight. ===Bad Replicant=== :''[Dr. Weird is hanging upside-down.]'' :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen! Chop off my head with such velocity that my blood will rocket through my neck, and propel my lifeless body, all the way to Phoenix! :'''Steve''': Wow. Uh, what's in Phoenix? :'''Dr. Weird''': Why, it's your mama, Steve! Get the axe! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Look at it [the Earth] out there. Orbiting like it's so cool. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Look at him and tell me there's a God. :'''Meatwad''': He made me in His own image. :'''Master Shake''': Oh, yeah, God's a big meatball, I forgot. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha. :'''Meatwad''': He is. :'''Master Shake''': Does he stink like you do? <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, that's right. And he ain't my best friend, neither. He yells at me and scares me and locks me in the attic, and pours liquid on my head that stink, and freeze me with the fire extinguisher, and a whole bunch of other stuff I can't remember 'cause he shocked me in the head with a car battery. ''[pause]'' With a bunch of clamps, and sparks, and ... <hr width=50%/> :'''Emory''': Yeah, hey Oglethorpe, do you remember this guy [Shake]? :'''Oglethorpe''': I'm starting to. :'''Emory''': And how annoying he was. :'''Oglethorpe''': Yes, and how he scoffed at our magazines! :'''Emory''': So, uh, what were we gonna do with him? :'''Ogletorpe''': ...We shall use him for the armies ... of the night! :'''Emory''': But I thought the guy down there was going to build an army ... of the night. :'''Oglethorpe''': Different army dorkface! This army will take over the rest of the galaxy! You see how my mind works? It's like a laser! :'''Shake''': You know, I know you from somewere. :'''Oglethorpe''': He must not know who we are. Quick, paint the Mind Room! :'''Emory''': Uh, I'm still not done with the trim on that. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Oh, you're ki — Meatwad, it's not polite to stare. :'''Meatwad''': But, look at him. :'''Major Shake''': No, it's okay, I know. I'm totally, hideous. :'''Meatwad''': No i-it's cool, I was just wondering if that jambox worked, you know. Shake threw mine in a cobra cage, and dared me to go get it, and that's why I'm all puffy back here. <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, well son of a … imprison him within the rings! :''[Disco light rings come down around Shake.]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': You'll never move from that spot again, unless you like being cut in half! :''[The phone rings. Shake reaches through the rings to answer it.]'' :'''Master Shake''': Yelloo? :'''Oglethorpe''': The laser rings! :'''Master Shake''': Look, brother, these ain't nothin but disco lights. :'''Emory''': No, the installer said that they were imprison laser rings, and I, I believed him. :'''Oglethorpe''': Don't listen to him, for he is a witch! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Look, look, settle down, can you just maybe try and replicate some other people, and get an army going and then take over the entire planet. :'''Emory''': Or is that not possible. :'''Major Shake''': Well I don't know, I don't think I can replicate others, was that your plan? :'''Oglethorpe''': Well, one of them. We have many plans. :'''Major Shake''': Well maybe your next plan should be to tell me what the plan is. :'''Oglethorpe''': Look, settle down. It's all cool. :'''Major Shake''': No. No. Look at me dude. I'm a leaky, disgusting, abomination and I'm not going to do it anymore. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Did they not see us sitting here? :'''Major Shake''': No, I'm sure it'll come to them. :''(On the ship)'' :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, damn it! :'''Emory''': What? :'''Oglethorpe''': That was that man, the fry-man! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': So, is he like replicating it? :'''Frylock''': No, he's hotwiring it. :'''Meatwad''': Oh, shoot I was hoping I'd learn something. Science is a mystery to man, isn't it Frylock? :'''Frylock''': Yeah it sure is Meatwad... :'''Meatwad''': Like how we all evolved from the ancient dinosaur. I wish I had some of their stuff boy. Like them tail. Them tails that make 'em fly. :'''Frylock''': Shut up, Damn! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': So, did they, um … ever find your car? :'''Carl''': Oh, they found part of it, you know, hang'n from a trestle near the turnpike. Yeah the cops said he had a … a "straw-like protrusion" and a "cup-like body." You know anybody like 'at? :'''Frylock''': Uh, well, it wasn't Shake, Carl. He was abducted by aliens earlier this afternoon. :'''Carl''': Oh, I knew that. Yeah, of course. :'''Frylock''': He was … seriously. :'''Carl''': I hate you! <hr width=50%/> :'''Emory''': So, what are we gonna do with the prisoner? :'''Oglethorpe''': We shall ask the mighty Orbnauticus. :''[A disco ball comes down from the ceiling.]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': Orbnauticus, we seek wisdom. To what evil purpose shall we put our slave to use? <hr width+50%/> ===Circus=== :'''Shake''': Meatwad, get in this bag! :'''Frylock''': What?! :'''Shake''': What? I got airholes... it's a joke, it'a joke, ha ha, don't get in that bag, you little meat. :''[cut to Shake and Meatwad in an alley]'' :'''Shake''': Now you stay in that bag! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': So is this where the camp is? :'''Shake''': Yes, now gimme a hug. But, keep the bag on, okay? :'''Meatwad''': Smells like vomit. :'''Shake''': Shut up! The counselor is about the counsel you, and he will send you right back home if you talk and you'll never learn RAM! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Okay Shake, see you in a week. :'''Shake''': Yeah, I'll see you in a week. In hell! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Hey Randy, I don't know what's going on, but can I trade bunks? 'Cause my roommate's...wha- are those his organs? :'''Randy''': Oh that's Inside-Out Boy. His mouth is in his belly, so he's gotta slap at his vocal chords with his bladder in order to make words. :'''Meatwad''': ...I-I-I don't like this camp. Can I go home now? :'''Randy''': GROW INTO A MOUNTAIN DAMNIT! Terrify me! :'''Meatwad''': Now see, I don't do that but I can do this (turns into a hotdog) and this. (turns into a igloo) Ta-da! :'''Randy''': Ripped off again. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Hey, where's Meat Mountain there? :'''Frylock''': You mean Meatwad. :'''Carl''': Oh no, they were callin' 'im Meat Mountain last night. :'''Shake''': Okay, I'm gonna go. :'''Frylock''': You're not going anywhere Shake. :'''Carl''': Yeah, ya gotta come check this out man. Igloo, hot dog, igloo, that bit. But the whole time the stripper's shakin' it in front of 'im. :'''Frylock''': My goodness! Where was this?! :'''Carl''': The warehouse in front of Girls For You, you know, the lingerie modeling place. :'''Frylock''': Uh, no, I don't know Carl. :'''Carl''': Well-ell, twenty bucks, twenty minutes. I'm tellin' ya, one Friday night, you and me Fry-man, blow the lid off the joint! Yeah-heh! :'''Frylock''': I don't think so Carl. :'''Carl''': What, you gay? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': You sold Meatwad to the circus, didn't you?! :'''Shake''': Every day I buy and sell people like you! But no, I did not do that. But based on what I'm hearing here, someone may have. :'''Frylock''': How much, Shake? :'''Shake''': Two. :'''Frylock''': Two? Two what? :'''Shake''': Two dollars. What? What's wrong with that? :''[cut to Shake, Frylock, and Carl at the circus, where Shake sees the price of admission]'' :'''Shake''': Two dollars and fifty cents! Are they out of their minds?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Look, I don't work my ass off for twenty hours a week so I can throw my money away, that's wasteful! These bills are strictly for me to kiss...and slip in some stripper's underwear, so come on! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Wow, the crowd is really getting off on this. :'''Carl''': Well, that's great. I'm so happy for 'em. Where are the strippers?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Yeah, you the supervisor? Where were the strippers? :'''Randy''': Didn't need 'em. Meat Mountain pulls in the crowd all by himself. :'''Carl''': Well you give me back my $2.50, 'cause I ain't payin' for something that happens every day on the hood of my car! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Randy, he ''[Shake]'' ain't from space. :'''Randy''': Yeah, I know little guy, cause I'm the prince of Jupiter. :'''Meatwad''': You never told me that. :'''Randy''': See, years ago my dad sent me down here to conquer your species by ''infiltrating'' your gene pool, know what I mean? ''[chuckles]'' Know what I mean? :'''Meatwad''': No :'''Randy''': Well...when a man and woman love each other...physically...outside of a bar. :'''Meatwad''': Which bar? <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Listen to me Randy, it doesn't matter if you're white, or black, or a sasquatch even. As long as you follow your dreams, no matter how crazy or against the law it is. Except for sasquatch, if you're a sasquatch the rules are different. :'''Randy''': Forget it Meatwad, I'm a circus freak, and that's all I'll ever be. :'''Meatwad''': ...Whatever. <hr width=50%/> :''[Shake comes disguised As Meatwad]'' :'''Shake''': Hey, look at me! I'm stupid as hell, I can't even breathe properly, let alone read! What's that? :'''Randy''': And now.. the Amazing Arctic Igloo! :'''Shake''': What?! :'''Frylock''': Yeah, turn into that Igloo! :'''Carl''': Take your top off!! :'''Frylock''': Carl... :'''Randy''': Yeah..so..where is that, Milkshake? :'''Shake''': Well I uh.. ''(takes off his costume and shows it's really him in disguise with hair under his eyes)'' Look it's the Amazing Milkshake with the Bearded Eyes!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': And I'll tell you something else Frylock, I did not see one computer in that whole camp. :'''Frylock''': Yeah, yeah. Say, have you noticed that Indian burial ground that's coming up through our drain again? :'''Meatwad''': Nah, that's Inside-out Boy. He just needs a place to stay for a few days. :'''Shake''': Whoo, I just ate a whole bathtub full of cherry cobbler. It was delicious. :'''Meatwad''': ...You're joking, right? :'''Shake''': No, I'm not. :'''Meatwad''': ...NOOOOOOOOO!!! <hr width+50%/> ===Love Mummy=== <hr width=50%/> :''[Mummy is yelling in the basement]'' :'''Frylock''': Shake? ''[Yelling Continues]'' Shake! Turn those damn monster movies down-- ''[Notices nobody in the living room]'' Shake? :''[Master Shake and Meatwad enter living room]'' :'''Master Shake''': Who's watching my TV? Because I... :'''Meatwad''': I bought the damn TV! :'''Frylock''': Will you two shut up and listen? ''[Yelling Continues]'' It sounds like it's coming from the floor. :'''Master Shake''': ''[beats the floor with a broomstick]'' Will you SHUT UP?! You hear me?! It's three o'clock in the morning and I need to sleep! ''[Frylock knocks him out with chloroform]'' :'''Meatwad''': Hey, can I have some of that? :'''Frylock''': Just go to sleep and we'll deal with it in the morning. :'''Meatwad''': Yeah sure, I'll just go to sleep and tomorrow morning I'm gonna call me a social worker. ''[Frylock prepares a dose of chloroform]'' And tell him I'm in unfit living conditions and the city will be over here so fast tha-- oh. ''[Knocked out by chloroform]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': No, here's a better idea: Hell no. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Why does he get a lobster? :'''Frylock''': 'Cause he's the mummy, damn it! Now shut up! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Do you know what time it is, huh? It's 2:30 in the afternoon, and people are trying to sleep. ''[Notices the mummy]'' Whose mummy? :'''Frylock''': I found it in the crawlspace. :'''Master Shake''': So you were the one doing all the moaning when I was trying to sleep, huh? :''[Mummy giggles]'' :'''Master Shake''': Shake, you don't wanna piss him off. He has the power to curse you. :'''Meatwad''': Do it, Shake. Piss him off. :'''Master Shake''': I'll do what I want, when I want, and how I want, and no mummy— you hear me, Band-Aid... :'''Meatwad''': Here it comes. :'''Master Shake''': No mummy is gonna tell me what to do. :'''Mummy''': Curse! Curse! CURSE! :'''Meatwad''': Oh, damn. :'''Master Shake''': You done? We all done... :'''Mummy''': CURSE! :'''Master Shake''': Now are you done? :'''Mummy''': Yes. :'''Master Shake''': Cause I'm done listening to you. I got a curse for you. It's called, "tomorrow morning, your ass is outta here." I'm going back to bed! :'''Mummy''': Curse. :'''Master Shake''': I heard it already! I know! It's a friggin' curse! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Shake, I think he may have cursed you. :'''Master Shake''': ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, je-ya think? Cuz, I mean, he only said it about a thousand times! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': (reading) "The curse of the mummy is just a figure of speech. Vomiting locusts for a thousand years is just an old wives tale. The ''real'' curse of the mummy is that he is completely socially inept, devoid of all manners, gold-digging, manipulative, and a selfish brat. Don't ever wake him unless you have a lot of time and money on your hands. Thank you for buying ''Mummies for Dummies''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': ''[Wearing the Mummy's Hat]'' I'm the King! King Carl! :'''Mummy''': ''[Yelling in the Background]'' :'''Carl''': ''[Mimicing Egyptian Music]'' Da da da da daaa, you know I'm your ruler! :'''Mummy''': CURSE! CUUURSE! :'''Carl''': Huh hun huh hee, yeah ''[Mummy continuing to yell]'' SHUT UP! <hr width+50%/> ===Dumber Days=== :'''Meatwad''': Shoot, I'm so dumb as hell I'll never get hired in today's fast-paced world. I'm just gonna go inside and wait for my body to die. :'''Schoolly D''': ''[Narrating]'' Aw, c'mon Meatwad, you can't be that dumb. :''[Pan to Meatwad inside Carl's bedroom]'' :'''Meatwad''': What, is this not my room? :'''Carl''': What do you think? :'''Meatwad''': ......Yes? :''[Carl throws Meatwad out the window]'' :'''Schoolly D''': Well, damn. Maybe Meatwad ''is'' that dumb. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Wait a second. This ain't no brain, this is a damn bee's nest. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': A book?! No sir! Shake says that books is from the devil, and that TV is twice as fast. :'''Frylock''': Twice as fast at what? :'''Meatwad''': Information. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[Reading from ''"The Tiniest Bullfrog"'']'' Jeremy the Bullfrog lived in a tiny swamp on the edge of town. Every day he would dream of playing professional basketball. But he lived in a swamp, far away from the city lights and a major market team. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': One look at Niels Bohr's atomic model makes it abundantly clear that there is a way to pass through solid matter. So in summation, we can have our daily tea-party in the fifth dimension. :'''Frylock''': Knock-knock. Well, I hope I'm--OH MY GOD! :''[Meatwad is about 10-15 times his usual size]'' :'''Meatwad''': Frylock, what a pleasant surprise. I'm just finishing up my symposium. You've met my colleagues, Professor Vanessa and Dr. Dewey. :'''Frylock''': Yeah, what happened to your body, man?! :'''Meatwad''': Well, it's obvious, isn't it? Thermal expansion. :'''Frylock''': No, it's not thermal expansion. I know what thermal expansion is. :'''Meatwad''': Okay, fine, I'm sure that you do. Let's see.. how can I explain this without blowing your mind. :'''Frylock''': Oh yes, please. Dumb it down for me. :'''Meatwad''': Heisenburg's Uncertainty Principle tells us that at a specific curvature of space, knowledge can be transferred into energy-- :'''Frylock''': Heisenburg's Uncertainty--! :'''Meatwad''': ...and this is key now...matter. :'''Frylock''': No it does not! :'''Meatwad''': Well, some people struggle with Heisenburg. ''[pulls out a yo-yo]'' Look, here's a toy. It goes up and down on a string. Doesn't that look like fun? :'''Frylock''': ''[knocks yo-yo away]'' Get that out of my face! :'''Meatwad''': Why don't you take that into the other room while the adults are doing important research here. :'''Frylock''': Oh, I'm sorry Professor! I didn't realize knowledge could also transform you into an arrogant ass! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[levitating a boy in a car with his mind]'' Quiet! I need complete concentration or the child will die. <hr width=50%/> :''[Carl's car crashes on his roof]'' :'''Carl''': Ohh, do not tell me that that is my car up there on the roof! :'''Meatwad''': Okay, we won't. :'''Carl''': Get it down! :'''Meatwad''': Okay. :'''Carl''': Wait, wait no don't! ''[car crashes to the ground]'' DAMMIT! ===Interfection=== <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr Weird''': ''(his head has shrunk and speaking in a high pitch voice)'' GENTLEMEN! TURN IT ON! :'''Steve''': Okay. ''(pushes a button to pump Dr Weird's head)'' :'''Dr Weird''' ''(head gets bigger and bigger)'' ''TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Plaque is a figment of the liberal media and the dental industry to scare you into buying useless appliances and pastes. Now, I've read the arguments on both sides, and I haven't found any evidence yet to support the need to brush your teeth. ''Ever.'' :'''Meatwad''': I don't know how you'd know; you ain't got no teeth. :'''Master Shake''': Well, I got rid of my teeth at a young age, because...I'm straight. Teeth are for gay people. That's why fairies come and get 'em. :'''Meatwad''': If teeth make me gay then sign me up, 'cause I wish I had 'em. <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': Computer, search for teeth and plaque conspiracy ''(pause),'' and Metallica. :'''Meatwad''': And Justin Timberlake. ''[Shake ignores him]'' Do a search for Justin Timberlake. ''[Shake continues to ignore him]'' ... J-U-S-- :'''Shake''': Please hush up. The search needs complete silence to work. :'''Meatwad''': Oh shoot, I forgot. I'm sorry. :'''Master Shake''': Well, I'm sorry, but if ''you'' can't learn that little lesson, then someone's going to get their little mouth stabbed shut with skewers! And then we'll see how easily the axe slices through the meat! :''[Meatwad's eyes get big, then he starts bawling.]'' :'''Master Shake''': All right, okay. Maybe that was a little huge. Listen, I would never hit you with an axe... :''[Meatwad's sobs subside as he pauses for a second and looks up at Master Shake]'' :'''Master Shake''': ...when you had skewers stabbed through your mouth. :''[Meatwad immediately resumes crying.]'' :'''Master Shake''': I would think one or the other would be enough. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': All right! Five point nine percent over APR! You don't get that every day! :'''Master Shake''': Are you kidding?! With APR like that I could just die! <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that I was in the Supreme frickin' Court here! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah. Neither did I. :'''Shake''': Should I have my lawyer present for my frickin' trial?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Is it hot, girl-on-girl action? <hr width=50%/> :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': It's so easy to use, and the surgery to implant it in the base of your skull is so painless, it's no wonder I'm #1! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': [appears on a monitor] Hello there, Internet Cyberville. Hey, if your watching this right now, I'm running outta oxygen and I seriously need to get to my bathroom, WHICH IS CURRENTLY BEING BLOCKED BY SOME STUPID ASS HIT-THE-MONKEY THING! [pop-up falls on Carl's fingers cutting them] Oh god! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Hey listen, could you get me some chicks that ''don't'' have the ZZ Top Lumberjack look? If I wanted to date Sasquatch, I'd call your mother. Ha-ha! <hr width=50%/> :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': But the skull implant comes in this decorative tin. :'''Frylock''': Decorate ''this!'' ''[uses eye lasers to blow up pop-up ad for the tin]'' :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': Okay, okay, okay, okay! Fine! Fine. Don't use our service. Get left in the digital dust! But remember, you could have won a Porsche. <hr width=50%/> :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': And after this 90-day trial, you will be judged and sentenced to a lifetime of interactive sports, news, and information. And we will continue to draw from your account, because banks don't care. It's not their money. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': I'm tired of livin' in this tree, now. How long till we gonna go home? :'''Frylock''': Two more weeks. :'''Meatwad''': TWO MORE WEEKS?! :'''Frylock''': Shut up and eat your squirrel meat! :'''Shake''': Squirrel meat, bleh. :''[Pop up ads begin to appear as the Wwwyzzerdd cackles in the background]'' :'''Shake''': What? I got wireless. ''[Hits an ad]'' What? ===PDA=== :'''Shake''': Someone stole my PDA, and I will ruin this house with my anger! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': Look Shake, people usually get a PDA when they have a job, and friends, and a life! :'''Shake''': Look, you, you, you happen to have no idea what I do for a living do you? :'''Frylock''': You're damn right I don't! I saw you boil a hot dog today. Did you get paid for that?! :'''Shake''': Because I don't have access to my scheduling book, because my PDA's gone! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': Wha, oh come on! We're lookin' for my thing, together, we're like buds, it's cool. Hey, you fly. You go, why don't you go check the gutters. :'''Frylock''': But, why would it be up in the gutters, Shake? :'''Shake''': That's where your DVD burner ended up, when it decided not to work. :'''Frylock''': Oh, I ''damn'' sure better not find that up there! :'''Master Shake''': Well, that's the last place I remember chucking it. :''[Frylock flies to the roof.]'' :'''Frylock''': ''[yelling]'' Hey! Dammit! You did throw my DVD burner up here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': I have some parents, Frylock? :'''Frylock''': Hell no, you don't have any damn parents! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': This is your captain speaking and welcome to the glass-bottom boat ride at the world famous Trenton Tar Pits. I just wanna let you all know I'm a convicted sex offender. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Tar, well, I tell ya if I wanna smell like a shingle, I go get my frisbee and my tanktop and my [[w:Captain EO|Captain EO]] out of the gutter. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': There ain't nothin' down here but tar and a condom wrapper! This is gross! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': All right, and I'm back, ladies and gentlemen. They won't be bothering us anymore. I chased them off with my nudity...does that arouse anyone down there, or... :'''Meatwad''': What does that mean? :'''Frylock''': It means that we're gonna get off this boat right now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': Okay, and we've docked...and I feel a little sexy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': Who down there wants to meet the captain? And feel sexy with him. :'''Meatwad''': Oooh, I do, I wanna meet the captain! :'''Frylock''': No, you don't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': Ah, jee whiz! This is the greatest gift I ever got in my life that I never wanted ever! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Romulox''': Oh, I didn't see your knock-offs there, nice. Are you goin' for the ironic look, or the look-I-don't-have-any-money look? :'''Shake''': I don't know, which one would you do? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': What's wrong with your elbow? :'''Romulox''': Oh, you didn't get that surgery. I'm sorry. :'''Meatwad''': We don't have insurance. :'''Romulox''': Only two people have the easy-flow elbow, and one of them happens to be named [[w:Bruce Willis|Bruce Willis]]. <hr width+50%/> ===Mail Order Bride=== :'''Frylock''': Santa's coming tonight Meatwad, so I really need your Christmas list— :'''Meatwad''': Here. :'''Frylock''': …and if you've been a good boy this year, you may just get this…this L-shaped thing. :'''Meatwad''': No, see, what that is, is a hair dryer. :'''Frylock''': You want a hair dryer? :'''Meatwad''': Yeah. :'''Frylock''': For what? You don't have any- :'''Meatwad''': Keep reading, next to the hair dryer. :'''Frylock''': This—this is a squiggle. :'''Meatwad''': No, that's hair. You read it backwards, fool. So go get it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Oh, man. I cannot wait. I got the oils, the candles, the works! When does that babe get here? :'''Master Shake''': Carl, don't refer to her as a "babe", please. She is a Chechnyan prostitute, and you will address her as such. :'''Carl''': Look, just don't cash that check immediately. I wanna make sure that both of us marryin' her is gonna be, you know, legal. :'''Master Shake''': Of course it is! What are you kidding me? Santa Claus ain't legal and he's around. :'''Carl''': Well, I guess that makes sense, you know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': Look merry, dammit! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Shoo, that sure was a good sleep I had. WHERE ARE THE DAMN PRESENTS?! :'''Frylock''': It's 4:00 in the afternoon Meatwad, that wasn't Santa. :'''Meatwad''': Well, you know, maybe Santa's just gettin' a jump start on things this year. 'Cause, you know, statistics they show that there are more people in the world today. That's China's fault. :'''Frylock''': Where do you get this information? :'''Meatwad''': Regis. <hr width="50%"/> :''[on a ladder]'' :'''Carl''': Look, would you just hold it with your hands?! :'''Master Shake''': I can do two things at the same time, chubby. :'''Carl''': No, ya can't! :'''Master Shake''': ''[reading a magazine to himself]'' Huey Lewis making a comeback! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Carl has broken his neck.]'' :'''Carl''': Hey, get back here! I think I need some help here! :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, I know you do. :''[Master Shake walks away.]'' :'''Carl''': Get back here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': Well, there ain't gonna be no dinner this year. :'''Frylock''': What about your girlfriend. I thought she was gonna cook. :'''Master Shake''': "Co-fiancee." Let's get it right, please. :'''Frylock''': "Co-"? :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, you know, I'll split her with Carl. So he's "co-owner." :'''Frylock''': You're depraved. :'''Master Shake''': Yes, thank you, I think she sees that quality in me. But that damn Carl is so Selfish. :'''Meatwad''': Carl should remember the reason for the season. :'''Master Shake''': The reason for the season is pleasin and I ain't gettin much pleasin and Carl better get his ass with the program. :'''Carl''': Get with what program, Cup? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Hey fry-man, you think I can get you to come over here and uh, blow a frickin' hole in my wall? :'''Frylock''': What's wrong, Carl? :'''Carl''': Well, for starters, she's barricaded herself inside the house. And every time she talks to me, it's in this, like, language. It's like some demon yelling at me, or something! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Schoolly D''': Santa Claus got barbeque sauce in his drawers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Okay, I'm awake. Let's, uh, friggin go get married. :'''Meatwad''': Oh Good! :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, brotha! :'''Carl''': Let's get married, yeah! :''[at Carl's house]'' :'''Frylock''': And do you, Svetlana... what does this say? :'''Carl''': Look, just say Smith or Jones or something... there's no way you can pronounce that right. :'''Frylock''': Svetlana Smith take Carl... :'''Carl''': Just say Smith again, it don't matter... none of this matters. :'''Frylock''': ...Smith to be your lawfully wedded husband... :'''Master Shake''': Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! :'''Frylock''': ...to honor... :'''Master Shake''': Back up! Rewind! :'''Frylock''': ...take Carl, and Master Shake... :'''Master Shake''': That's more like it. :'''Frylock''': to be your lawfully wedded husbands as long as you three shall live. :'''Svetlana''': ''[speaking Russian, from inside Carl's house]'' :'''Carl''': Alright, yeah! :'''Master Shake''': Alright, score! :'''Carl''': Sweet nectar! :'''Frylock''': Okay, now shove the ring under the door. :'''Master Shake''': No, we're not doing the ring, I'm not gettin' roped into all that. :'''Frylock''': How can you not have a ring? :'''Master Shake''': No, it ends here. I haven't seen food once since she's shown up. :'''Carl''': He's right, let's do this thing - light this candle. :'''Frylock''': By the power invested in me by the state of New Jersey I now pronounce you men and wife. You may now kiss the door. :'''Master Shake''': Blow it open Frylock. :'''Carl''': Do it! :'''Svetlana''': [speaking Russian; escapes] :'''Carl''': Svetlana, baby? :'''Master Shake''': Great! Great! :'''Carl''': Oh Man! She got the car. :'''Meatwad''': Well technically, it's half hers now, right? Or a third, I don't know. :'''George''': Introducing the new Misters and Mrs. Bertwoski! :'''Carl''': It's Brutananadilewski! And you get the hell out of here! :'''Master Shake''': No way, you are staying! We got him til two. <hr width+50%/> ===Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future=== :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Now in the future, the past has occurred. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': You're the Ghost of Christmas Past...right? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': That is correct. :'''Carl''': Okay, well...I mean, you know that it's February...right? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[pause]'' I am a robot. :'''Carl''': Well, you know, obviously. What are you, stupid? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[stutters]'' I will see you in December, tomorrow! :'''Carl''': Okay, whatever there, just lock your door on the way- :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[breaks through the wall]'' Do what? :'''Carl''': Nevermind, just leave! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Flashback to Carl's house on Christmas in the 1960s]'' :'''Carl''':''[opening his present]'' Oh boy oh boy oh boy I hope this is a new mommy! :'''Carl's Dad''': Yeah, it's not. Hurry up and open it, ya little creep, we gotta be at work in an hour. :'''Carl''': What is this, is this carpet, daddy? :'''Carl's Dad''': Carpet? No. That's [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Berber_carpet berber], its an industry term. :'''Carl''': Hey, look it's a magic flyin' carpet! Look at me, I'm flyin' around in Egyptland! :'''Carl's Dad''':''[cuts Carl off]'' Yeah, that's cute. Don't get too attached there, Aladdin, 'cause its about to be magic flyin' dinner. :'''Carl''':''[looking worried]'' Y-you can't eat carpet... Silly Daddy. :'''Carl's Dad''': Hehe, not like that you can't. You gotta boil it, till the glue gets soft.:''[looks at his watch]'' Oh jeez, look at the time! :'''Carl''': But it's Christmas, Daddy! :'''Carl's Dad''': You're not getting out of this one! Put on your work boots and your respirator! I pulled ''A LOT'' of strings to get them to hire an 8 year old. :'''Carl''':''[Muttering to himself]'' Don't make me go, I don't wanna make insulation... :'''Carl's Dad''': ''C'MON, WE'RE LATE!!!!'' :'''Carl''': OH GOD! :''[Robot appears and lasers shoot everywhere]'' :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': You remember that Christmas, don't you? :'''Carl''': Yeah, well, you know, I remember eating carpet. Not so much the, uh, lasers and the robots. <hr width=50%/> :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': And that is where babies come from … for machines. :'''Meatwad''': Boy, that's some story. That...kinda is different from what I been told about people loving each other...and, you know, physically... :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': No! That is very wrong! You cling to your pathetic fable of fluid exchange. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': (after finding his swimming pool filled with blood) It looks like someone wrung a herd of cows through a juicer or something! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Wait, wait...who unionized? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Wouldn't you like to know? Probably yo mama. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Man, it makes me sad they had to open their gifts in front of an ape and they were all made out of doodoo. What kinda Christmas is that?! :'''Frylock''': It's okay Meatwad. This is all a bunch of bull. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': You don't believe? :'''Frylock''': Believe what? That you're a ghost and Santa Claus is an ape? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever- :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''Was'' an ape. Now he is a machine! :'''Meatwad''': I left cookies and a glass of milk FOR A MACHINE?!! :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': No man, he's an ape. ''[They look at him questioningly]'' I mean, wait he is a machine! You were trying to mess me up on purpose! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': But I thought everyone back then was undeveloped? Couldn't make machines with their crinkled hands. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Well the elves came from the red planet, and there was much defecation. :'''Frylock''': Yeah, yeah, you mentioned that. How long ago did you say this was? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[Fog rolls in]'' Thousands of years ago- :'''Frylock''': Oh shut up! You still haven't explained why the pool is filled with elf blood! :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': I told you earlier, it was the Great Circuiting. :'''Frylock''': You didn't mention no "Great Circuiting". :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Oh, I didn't? ''[pause]'' Thousands of years ago... <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': I hate to be a buzz kill, but he said that your house is on elf graves and they're pissed off. :'''Carl''': All right, fine, we'll do that. :'''Meatwad''': And the blood's just gonna keep flowing, unless …. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Unless Carl pays tribute to the Elfin Elders in space. :'''Carl''': I'll do it. What do I do? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': You must give up yourself to the Great Red Ape. :'''Carl''': Okay … how much? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Sexually. :'''Carl''': … wonderful. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': What did you say your name was again? :'''Glenn Danzig''': Danzig, mother fucker! I got a question: can you make the blood flow up the walls? :'''Carl''': Lemme go talk to my blood guy over here. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': I don't see why not. :'''Carl''': That's elf blood, too. That ain't cheap-- :'''Glenn Danzig''': How much you want? :'''Carl''': Oh, I dunno...a million? :'''Glenn Danzig''': Killer. Draft the check tomorrow. :'''Carl''': You're serious--THANK YOU GOD!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Glenn Danzig''': Now look, you listen to me as hard as you fucking can. That fucking robot came with the fuckin' house, and now he's fucking gone! If you see that mother-- :'''Master Shake''': Oh, don't worry, we'll tell you! :'''Glenn Danzig''': You fucking better. If I find out he's over here, I'm gonna be eating my cereal out of the bottom of your fuckin' skull! Verstandlich?!! ''[Glenn walks away]'' :'''Master Shake''': Ok. So... thank you :'''Meatwad''': ''[To Cybernetic Ghost]'' Hey you come out now. He's gone. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': (about Danzig) I cannot live with that guy. He is ''so'' annoying, he is ''so'' frightening, and he doesn't wear a shirt. :'''Master Shake''': You make our house bleed right now! ==External links== {{wikipedia|Aqua Teen Hunger Force (season 1)|Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 1)}} *[http://video.adultswim.com/aqua-teen-hunger-force/ ''Aqua Teen Hunger Force''] at Adult Swim *{{imdb title||Aqua Teen Hunger Force}} [[Category:Aqua Teen Hunger Force seasons]] {| class="wikitable" border="1" style="width:100%; text-align: center;" | width="30%" | <small>N/A</small> | width="30%" | '''''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]'' [[w:List of Aqua Teen Hunger Force episodes|seasons]]''' | width="30%" | Succeeded by<br>'''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 2)|Season 2]]''' |} {{Adult Swim}} 93rcs5mkl91iffow15mw1h4egcj1z3s 3157861 3157860 2022-08-25T15:40:45Z 45.5.116.93 /* Dumber Dolls */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 1)|1]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 2)|2]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 3)|3]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 4)|4]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 5)|5]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 6)|6]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 7)|7]] | [[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1]] | [[Aqua Something You Know Whatever]] | [[Aqua TV Show Show]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force|'''Main''']] ---- <br> '''''[[w:Aqua Teen Hunger Force|Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''''', (also known by various [[w:Aqua Teen Hunger Force#Alternative titles|alternative titles]]), (2000–15) is an [[w:animated series|animated television series]] from the [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]]'s [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]] programming block. The show follows the exploits of three [[w:anthropomorphic|anthropomorphic]] fast food items: [[w:Master Shake|Master Shake]], the milkshake; [[w:Frylock|Frylock]], the carton of French fries; and [[w:Meatwad|Meatwad]], the aptly named wad of meat. ===[[w:Rabbot|Rabbot]]=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen! Vegetables have threatened man for generations. I have obtained funds to solve this vegetable nightmare! :'''Steve''': Uh, Dr. Weird — :'''Dr. Weird''': Behold... :'''Steve''': I thought that grant was for somewhat to cure diseases, and …. :'''Dr. Weird''': The grant?! What is that?! :'''Steve''': Dyuhhh …. :''' Dr. Weird''': Shut up. Behold! The Rabbot! ''[The door lifts up and reveals Dr. Weird's monstrous fifty-foot Rabbot]'' :'''Steve''': But, Dr. Weird — :'''Dr. Weird''': Now bring me my large French perfume and spray him in the eyes, because that's how it happened to me! ''[The Rabbot's face is sprayed with a giant bottle of French perfume]'' Now you feel pretty, don't you? Wa, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! ''[The Rabbot hops out the door and toward the lab wall]'' The Rabbot! My creation! ''[The Rabbot smashes through the lab wall and Steve jumps out from behind his hiding spot behind the desk.]'' :'''Dr. Weird''': What has science doooone? :''[the Rabbot hops down the street and proceeds to jump on top of Carl's car, effectively destroying it.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl:''' '''''WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FREAKIN' CAR?!''''' :'''Master Shake''': Good morning, Carl. How's it goin'? :'''Carl''': Oh yeah, good mornin' to you there, Mr. Food Monster, this is how it's goin'. Look at my frickin' car. It is crushed...to bajesus and back. :'''Master Shake''': Have you gotten any estimates? :'''Carl''': Ah, for the love of--I just found it this way. :'''Master Shake''': Carl... :'''Carl''': I just walked out here, for frickin' sake! :'''Master Shake''': Hey Carl, its okay...it's cool man, I'm a detective. Clear the crime scene and let me think...meteors did it! That'll be $20. :'''Frylock''': Hey, Carl. :'''Carl''': Great, we got the Fryman up here. :'''Master Shake''': I have not called for you, Frylock. What are you doing here? :'''Frylock''': I ''live'' here. :'''Master Shake''': Well, quit hovering. ''I'' am the leader! :'''Frylock''': Man, your car is messed up! How are you going to get to work, Carl? :'''Carl''': I work out of the home. :'''Master Shake''': Frylock, send Carl to work, then we shall solve this mystery and make $20. :'''Carl''':I work out of the home. Do not point that fry thing at me. :'''Master Shake''': Quickly, Carl, the ray is upon you. Where do you work? :'''Carl''': I done told ya, I work out of the home! Now stop with the Freak Beam! :'''Master Shake''': Send Carl to the home then! :'''Frylock''': To the home! :'''Carl''': STAY OUT OF MY POOL!! ''[Frylock beams Carl up and drops him flat on his back on his roof]'' Ow, my hip! :'''Master Shake''': Okay, that'll be $20. :'''Frylock''': So, what now, Shake? :'''Master Shake''': We shall solve the mystery from Carl's pool! :'''Carl''':: OH, NO, DON'T GOT TO MY POOL!!! :'''Master Shake''': Goin' to the bank! <hr width=50%/> :''[in Carl's pool]'' :'''Frylock''': This is a fun pool. I do like splashing. :'''Master Shake''': Yes, playing is for pleasure. We should have a pool. Make us one from the sky. I command it. :'''Frylock''': ''[sarcasm]'' Yeah, yeah, I'll do that. :'''Master Shake''': Seriously, I do command it :'''Frylock''': I wonder who killed Carl's car. :'''Master Shake''': A car cannot be "killed"! It was murdered by someone who is jealous of Carl's ability to drive. JEALOUSY is the motivation! <hr width=50%/> :'''Schooly D''': Man everybody know meat don't sleep. <hr width=50%/> :''[Meatwad is dancing, before Master Shake jumps on Meatwad's boom-box and destroys it.]'' :'''Master Shake''': Dancing is forbidden! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Where are we going? :'''Master Shake''': Shut your deformed mouth Meatwad, before I NAIL it shut! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': The scent seems to be coming from that mall :'''Master Shake''': I know! :'''Meatwad''': All right! I want some jeans! :'''Master Shake''': (pushes past him) I'M the one who wants some jeans! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': How did you get back there?! That's for salespersons only. I want to get back there. Get me back there! :''[Meatwad changes shape into a bridge over the sales counter.]'' :'''Meatwad''': Here. Take the Meat Bridge! It's right here! :'''Master Shake''': Meat Bridge? No. :''[Master Shake smashes a hole in sales counter.]'' :'''Meatwad''': Fine. Don't take the Meat Bridge. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Well, as long as we don't go back to the lab. :'''Frylock''': I need to go back to the lab. :'''Master Shake''': God! That'll take a thousand hours! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Does it LOOK like I'm OK?! Stand back, and I shall destroy him! SHAKE POWER ACTIVATE! ''[Shake huffs and puffs and excretes a glob of milkshake onto the road]]'' Now come over here and slip on it, if you dare, rabbit! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': I have called this meeting to say that downtown is no longer safe. :''[Cut to the Rabbot who is still causing havoc in the city]'' :'''Master Shake''': So, in short, we need to pick some new restaurants and night clubs. :'''Carl''': GET OUTTA MY FRICKIN' POOL! ===Escape From Leprauchpolis=== <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen! I have created... this thing! :'''Steve''': What is it? :'''Dr Weird''': I don't know. Stand over here. :'''Steve''': Uh, you mean right here? ''(gets catapulted by a rainbow into the sky)'' :'''Dr. Weird''': It WORKS! ''I am one can short of a six pack''! Wha-ha-ha-ha-ha! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[in the pool for the first time]'' Master Shake said it would dissolve me and then I would get clogged in the filter and then beavers would come and eat me. But that hasn't happened yet! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Look, I have a brain! ''(pause)'' I just took it out so it wouldn't get wet! :'''Frylock''': Yeah, man. He took his brain out. It's cool! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': All right, I'm gonna give this "Rainbow" thing another five minutes, and if it don't show up quick, then I am goin' down to the store and gettin' a hot-rod magazine, 'cause they got the chicks with the boobs in there! :'''Flargan''': ''[looking at Carl through binoculars]'' Excellent, another victim falls prey to me brilliant e-mail plan. Soon we will have enough treasure to rule all of New Jersey. :'''Merle''': Flargan, he doesn't really look like he has any money...or a job, or a wallet. :'''Flargan''': Well I...I'm sure he has some decent tennis shoes. :'''Merle''': He doesn't even have pockets. Look, he's wearing sweatpants. :'''Flargan''': Dingle, engage the rainbow machine! :'''Dingle''': Feet! :''[Dingle turns on the machine]'' :'''Carl''': Yeah, here come the gold! Aw, look at this now, I don't see crap in there. I know this game. This is how they get you. :''[He gets sucked up in the rainbow, and lands flat on his back in the forest]'' :'''Flargan''': Yes, fat man, this IS how we get you! :'''Carl''': Hey there, where's the gold there? :'''Flargan''': Flip-flops? What is this!? :'''Merle''': What did I say? No money, no job, no taste. <hr width=50%/> :'''Merle''': ''[upon seeing Master Shake and Meatwad]'' What in the hell is that?! You know this whole plan is attractin' nothin' but a bunch of goobers. :'''Flargan''': What do their shoes look like? :'''Merle''': Seems kinda stupid doing this whole thing for shoes. :'''Flargan''': It's not just for shoes! It's...it's for... :'''Merle''': It's for what? This [[w:Bananarama|Bananarama]] tape with no case? We really scored big on that one, didn't we, buddy? <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': He told me to get in the freezer 'cause there was a carnival in there. There was no carnival! It was a damn freezer! I got freezer burn and I got mushed up against a chicken. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Let's go. They don't have nothin', it's like a flea market threw up in there. :'''Meatwad''': Look, a Bananarama tape! :'''Master Shake''': That's mine! Drop it where you are! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': You don't need a machine to make a rainbow, for rainbows are made of happy thoughts, and dreams, and chocolate unicorns, and gumdrops, and licorice sunsets, and fuzzy gumdrop bears, in Sugar-Covered Chocolate Gumdrop Land. :'''Master Shake''': No way in hell. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': All right! The ''real'' rainbow! I did it! I brought happiness and joy to us all! :''[a rainbow rips Carl's house off its foundation and flings it through the air.]'' :'''Master Shake''': Wow! :'''Carl''': Oh, good. :''[Awkward silence.]'' :'''Meatwad''': Well, I gotta go...see ya later. <hr width+50%/> ===Bus of the Undead=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen, behold: Mothmonst- ''(Mothmonsterman flies off)'' Oh no! Mothmonsterman, no! Come back! :'''Steve''': He has escaped. :'''Dr. Weird''': Yes, through the hole. ''[slips and falls]'' My banana! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Good morning, Carl! :'''Carl''': Yeah, it is a good morning there little man...''it's three in the morning!!!!!!!!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Look, all I know is that this cord here was plugged into my house, and your house was glowin' like the frickin' sun! So I put two and two together there hey, and decided that you're pissin' me off. :'''Master Shake''': We are truly sorry, Carl, and it will probably never happen again. Can we have our cord back? :'''Carl''': No, no there. I'm just gonna keep it there, since it's uh, mine anyways. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mothmonsterman''': Oh, hey, where you guys been? :'''Master Shake''': Memphis. :'''Mothmonsterman''': Really?! That's awesome. How was it? :'''Master Shake''': Oh, it was very nice. They light up the bridge. We had fried catfish. :'''Meatwad''': When did you have fried catfish? <hr width=50%/> :[''Frylock, Master Shake and Meatwad return home to find Carl tied up with silk, hanging from the ceiling''] :'''Frylock''': What have you done with him? :'''Mothmonsterman''': I just laid a thousand of my eggs inside his esophagus. You know, I need to propagate my species and, he's bein' a baby about it. :'''Frylock''': You know, we have a cloner. :'''Mothmonsterman''': Seriously? :[''Inside Frylock's office, a timer dings''] :'''Frylock''': Oh, no- the cloner! :'''Master Shake''': The brownies! :'''Meatwad''': My brownies! :[''Winged monsters, made from a mix of insect and brownie DNA, burst out of Frylock's office''] :'''Master Shake''': Run! To the pool! :[''Frylock, Master Shake and Meatwad run outside''] :'''Mothmonsterman''': Wait, you have a pool? [''Brownie monsters swarm the living room''] Oh, my God- :[''Out in the backyard''] :'''Frylock''': You put a brownie in my cloning device, didn't you? :'''Master Shake''': No! Yes. I don't know. Maybe! Look, that was six weeks ago! I locked the door; let 'em just duke it out. :'''Meatwad'''': You didn't lock the door, it was out in the yard...! :[''A huge swarm of brownie monsters attacks''] ===Mayhem of the Mooninites=== :'''Ignignokt''': ''(knocks on Carl's door)'' Hello, Carl. I am Ignignokt, and this is Err. :'''Err''': I am Err! :'''Ignignokt''': We are Mooninites from the inner core of the Moon. :'''Err''': You said it right! :'''Ignignokt''': Our race is hundreds of years beyond yours. :'''Err''': Man, do you hear what he's sayin'?! :'''Ignignokt''': Some would say that the Earth is our moon. :'''Err''': We're the moon. :'''Ignignokt''': But that would belittle the name of our moon... which is the Moon. :'''Err''': The point is, we're at the center. Not you! :'''Carl''': No, the real point is: I don't give a damn! ''(slams door)'' <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Your jambox is now his by way of our actions. :'''Master Shake''': Yes, Meatwad, with actions! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Err''': Shoot him the bird! :'''Ignignokt''': Yes, give him the finger. :'''Meatwad''': The finger? Like this? ''(turns into a hot-dog)'' :'''Ignignokt''': No. Not at all like that. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Err''': We smoke as we shoot the bird! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': You and your "third dimension." :'''Frylock''': Yeah? What about it? :'''Ignignokt''': Oh, nothing. It's cute. We have five. :'''Err''': Th-thousand. :'''Ignignokt''': Yes, five thousand. :'''Err''': Don't question it! :'''Frylock''': Oh yeah? Well, I only see two. :'''Ignignokt''': Well, that sounds like a personal problem. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Frylock''': I don't think Meatwad should be hanging around with these Moon people. :'''Master Shake''': I don't think I should be playing with these medium strings. I need light gauge if I'm gonna thrash! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Using keys to gouge expletives onto another's vehicle is a sign of trust and friendship. :''[Cut to Carl standing outside his house, looking at his vandalized car.]'' :'''Carl''': ''Who did this to my frickin' car!!??'' <hr width = 50% /> :'''Carl''': So maybe you be a good person to ask who wrote ''The Moon Rulez #1'', on my car, with a key! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Carl''': ''[Effortlessly dodging the Mooninites' shot]'' Nice shot there, Brick Out. ''[Unbeknownst to Carl, the shot rebounds off his house and back towards him]'' Now I want you jokers out of this- ''[The shot hits Carl and he phases out as he is transported to the moon]'' OH GOD! MY BACK! WHOOOAAAA... <hr width = 50% /> :''[Frylock has blown up the TV with his laser vision]'' :'''Ignignokt''': What was that? :'''Err''': Whoa! Did those just come out of your eyes? :'''Ignignokt''': They're primitive :'''Err''': Damn! Those are fast, man! :'''Ignignokt''': We are not impressed :'''Err''': Hey, wasn't that cool? <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': ''[Giving Frylock the finger from space]'' I hope he can see this because I'm doing it as hard as I can. <hr width+50% /> ===Balloonenstein=== :'''Carl''': Oh, sweet, sweet nectar. It's like my pool is tearin' ass around the backyard. But it's stayin' still. Still waters run deep! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Grab my potatoes, Carl! :'''Carl''': Sure, why not? <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': The real spaghetti got wet when I was boiling it so… it’s in the dryer! :'''Meatwad''':Why didn’t you say so! It's probably dry by now, so let's go get it. ''[saying as he gets into the dryer]'' Now remember, I like it spicy! :'''Shake''': Ha ha ha! So stupid! :'''Meatwad''': Hey, wait a second! Why's it spinnin'? :'''Schoolly D''': Come on, think about it, Meatwad! It's a dryer, man! Of course it's gonna spin! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Ooh. Damn! What dimension was that? Carl, your hands! :'''Carl''': Yeah, I know, I see 'em; they're very big. Well, it was fun. I'm gonna go take a nap now and then I think I'm gonna call, uh, some hospitals. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Shake, where is my popsicle? :'''Shake''': Please, wait a second... :'''Meatwad''': I require a popsicle every 15 minutes! You obviously did not read the memo! :'''Shake''': ''This'' is your memo? (''holds up a drawing'') I don't even know what this is! :'''Meatwad''': ''(zaps Shake)'' You sicken me with your lies. :'''Shake''': I'll make you some right away! :'''Meatwad''': "Make" me some? Please do not insult what little intelligence I have. I need it ''now''. :'''Shake''': Then I'll go to the store! Please sir! :'''Meatwad''': Yes you will. Now what is the magic word, '''''bitch'''''? :'''Shake''': PLEASE, let me go to the store and get popsicles for you! Thank you sire! :'''Meatwad''': That's right. ''(releases Shake; Shake runs out the door)'' You better run, boy! And bring back some chocolate syrup, too, or your fate is sealed! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Everybody hates me 'cause they die or get hurt. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Will this hurt 'im? :'''Frylock''': It shouldn't. :'''Master Shake''': Then ''why'' are we doing it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': ''[Chasing Meatwad with pencils]'' This is for shooting me in the roof and sending me to the store making me call you sire! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Go destroy Balloonenstein! :'''Meatwad''': Do what now? :'''Frylock''': Pop the balloon with the glass! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, yeah, okay. ''[long pause]'' Do what now? :'''Frylock''': Pop him with the glass! The glass in your head! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, yeah, I know. Don't yell at me! ''[pause]'' Do what now? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Damn it, he needs his brain. Otherwise he "just gonna float around forever sayin' "Do what now?" :'''Meatwad''': Do what now? :'''Master Shake''': Guess what? He's not gettin his brain back, because it is now the nerve center for the city of the future: LAS BRAINGELES! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''(now a 50 foot meatball, speaking in a booming voice)'' '''Where are my popsicles?!''' :'''Frylock''': Damn! :'''Master Shake''':''(scared)'' Is that you, God? :'''Meatwad''': '''Frylock, get away from the pool.''' :'''Frylock''': Aw, hell... ''(moves away from the pool)'' :'''Meatwad''': ''(leaps into the air)'' '''''CAN OPENER!!!!!!!!!!!''''' ===Space Conflict from Beyond Pluto=== :''(Trying to barbecue melons)'' :'''Emory''': How do want your melon? :'''Olgethorpe''': Emory, the melon's on fire! :'''Emory''': Well of course they're on fire. They're not made to be cooked. :'''Oglethorpe''': What do ''you'' know of fire? You prance around like you have laser eyes. You don't! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': I have an amazing plan to betray our new friend … hah-hah-hah! :'''Emory''': I thought the plan was to barbecue with him. :'''Oglethorpe''': Plans are for fools! When he gets here, we melt him … and laugh … on into the night! :'''Emory''': Why don't we just...talk to him and stuff? :'''Oglethorpe''': Why don't you shut up and let me do what I want for a change? <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Hey, hey, what is with all this interrogation? Let's toss the frisbee...over there ''[Points to the melting chamber]''...''WHERE WE WILL MELT YOU INTO FLUID!'' ''[begins stomping on the frisbee]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': We are on a top secret mission of world domination! :'''Frylock''': World domination? You guys couldn't take over a damn bowl of Jell-O! :'''Emory''': Hey, is that, like, an important place or something? :'''Oglethorpe''': ''[threateningly]'' Where is it? <hr width=50%/> :''[Frylock realizes that the Plutonians are complete idiots and wants to leave.]'' :'''Frylock''': Okay, look, which one of these buttons beams me out of here? :'''Oglethorpe''': Those buttons are red! You'll destroy us all! :''[Frylock pushes a button. Balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling and music plays.]'' :'''Emory''': All right, party time! :'''Oglethorpe''': Whose birthday is it? Someone gets a spanking! :''[Frylock pushes another button. Shake appears on the ship.]'' :'''Shake''': Hey, happy birthday! Hey, who's the lucky boy? :'''Frylock''': Shake, how did you get in this beam? :'''Shake''': Look, that beam came from space. You don't own space, so stop acting like you do. <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': You might be interested to know that we are just about to destroy your planet! :'''Master Shake''': Oh, go ahead, I'm not there, ah, it's fine. <hr width=50%/> :'''Emory''': You really think we need to blow up their planet? :'''Oglethorpe''': That's what I said, blow it up! Let's blow it up! :'''Emory''': Alright, fine. :''[Oglethorpe pushes a button. Balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling and music plays again.]'' :'''Emory''': ...Did it blow up, man? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': You cannot cut someone's lawn with matches, Meatwad! :'''Meatwad''': Look, I know that. You gotta have gasoline, otherwise how's it gonna spread to the street? :'''Carl''': ''(banging on the Aqua Teen's door)'' Open this damn door now! :'''Meatwad''': Oh, is he mad? Don't open it. :'''Carl''': I heard that! Open this door! <hr width=50%/> :''[the Plutonians have put Shake in the melting chamber.]'' :'''Emory''': Why isn't he melting? I mean, the beam's supposed to be on. :'''Oglethorpe''': Well, it's not! I'm looking right at it and it's not on. :'''Emory''': Maybe we need the remote. :'''Oglethorpe''': Well, maybe you shouldn't have run the melter through the VCR, Scheisskopf! :'''Emory''': Well, maybe it's 'cause you said "I want all meltings to be taped", even though you never watch 'em! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': '''''NOW, WHERE'S THAT DAMN REMOTE?!?!''''' <hr width=50%/> :''[Shake accidentally fires off an escape pod holding the Plutonians' remote control]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': What in the hell was that?! :'''Emory''': That was the, uh...escape pod. :'''Oglethorpe''': Damn it! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Stop pressing the buttons in there! :'''Shake''': This whole ship's a bunch of buttons! And I'm done with this Redbook, I was done with it the minute I saw it. And I'm hungry! :'''Oglethorpe''': You will eat what we say! :'''Emory''': You will eat ''when'' we say. That's right. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Uh, Shake... :'''Shake''': What do you want? :'''Frylock''': Carl is here... :'''Shake''': How did you get this--I'm not here! :''[At the Aqua Teens' house, Frylock, Carl, and Meatwad are watching Shake on the computer.]'' :'''Carl''': Oh, you're not there? :'''Shake''': Hello, Carl. :'''Carl''': Hey, buddy, how ya doin' there? Pizza Land, huh? That's lots of fun. Hey, uh, I wanted to let you know that '''''YOU BURNED MY FRICKIN' HOUSE DOWN!!!!!!!!!!''''' :'''Shake''': But the grass is gone--- :'''Carl''': Oh yea the grass is gone, just like how your face is gonna be gone after I '''SHOVE IT IN A PASTRAMI SLICER!!!''' <hr width=50%/> :''[Shake has asked for a new virtual environment. He appears in what appears to be a live-action park. He finds himself next to a horse.]'' :'''Female Computer Voice''': Welcome to this horse's anus. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[after Carl's house has burned down]'' Hey Carl, you want me to shampoo the rug? :'''Carl''': What's the frickin' point, Meatman? :'''Meatwad''': So you can give me some money. <hr width=50%/> :''[The Plutonians enact a plan to get rid of Shake]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, look over there! One hundred dollars! On the wing of the ship! :'''Shake''': ''[Shoves Oglethorpe out of the way]'' Oh, that's mine! I dropped it! Now where is it again? :'''Oglethorpe''': Right there. Do you see it? It's there. :'''Shake''': Why, this could be very dangerous. I...I should go. :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, would you? Please save us...from all the money. :''[Cut to Shake in a pod in space, looking for the money]'' :'''Shake''': Shake to ship! I'm still not seeing it! :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, you can't see it? Well, let me turn on the light for you! :''[the ship flies away, sending Shake spinning to Earth.]'' :'''Shake''': Wait! :'''Oglethorpe''': Jackass! <hr width=50%/> :''[Carl is holding a tire iron.]'' :'''Carl''': Hey, buddy! :'''Shake''': Hey, Carl! Hey! Lawn looks great! :'''Carl''': Likin' it? :'''Shake''': Why's your house all curled up? :'''Carl''': I don't know, I was hoping maybe we could have a little dialogue about that. :'''Shake''': Hey, that's a nice tire iron, Carl. Is that yours? :'''Carl''': Yeah, let me get in there and show you the finish on it. Up close. :''[Carl gets in the pod. The door closes.]'' :'''Carl''': Taste the chrome! :''[Carl proceeds to brutalize Shake. The pod falls over.]'' ===Ol' Drippy=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen, be- :'''Steve''': Uhh, you know, you can just call me Steve. I mean, there's no one else here. :''[The creature from the black lagoon suddenly appears behind Steve]'' :'''Steve''': Right? :'''Dr. Weird''': MY MIND! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': You ever hear of a refrigerator, or a frickin' trash can?! :'''Master Shake''': No. :'''Frylock''': You got three raw chickens in here on the floor! A dog wouldn't even take a crap in here! :'''Master Shake''': Look, just take the hose and lightly spray everything out the back door. :'''Frylock''': No, no ''MY ASS, YOU WILL!'' :'''Master Shake''': Drape a tarp over it. :'''Frylock''': Oh no you're not! You're gonna go to the damn store and get some cleaning supplies! :'''Meatwad''': What's goin' on? :'''Master Shake''': Look at this mess! Did you do this? ''[long pause]'' Fine, alright!. I'll do it, but it's my decision to do this, I declare it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Schooly D''': Yo, man. I think that mold is a-movin'. If it move one more time, I’m gettin' my gat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': This here's Vanessa. I know she looks like an apple, but she's actually a full-grown woman, and she fell in love with her boyfriend, Dewey, here, and they go off into outer space and then they... they get married. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''':(angrily enters the house) Where's Meatwad?! :'''Frylock:''' What're you doing with that gutter? :'''Master Shake:''' What're you doin' with that beard, huh? Answer that, scientist! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': My telescope! And you've ruined it! How will I ever see the stars again? :'''Meatwad''': This ain't no telescope, it's Dewey. He's an engineer, and he works on the Supertrain. :'''Master Shake''': He does what?! You've got mental problems. ''[Hits Meatwad repeatedly with gutter]'' Taste the chrome! :'''Ol' Drippy''': ''[walking in with the "doll"]'' What's it taste like? :'''Master Shake''': Your mother's... ''[sees Ol' Drippy for the first time]'' AAAHHHH, MONSTER!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Did you see a woman in a bikini with a six-pack of beer and a surfboard come in here? :'''Frylock''': Was it made of cardboard, used to be up at the liquor store? :'''Carl''': Uhh...no. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': You two-timin' bitch! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Ohhh, she smells like dead mushrooms and cheeseburger meat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ol' Drippy''': Idle hands spend time at the genitals, and you know how much God hates that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frylock has suggested that Shake be "polite"; Shake intentionally knocks Ol' Drippy's latte out of his "hand".]'' :'''Shake''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to knock that out of your hand, I don't know what came over me! There, was that polite enough for you, Frylock?! I'm apologizing to your best friend in the whole universe! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': Shake, what is wrong with you? :'''Master Shake''': What's wrong with ''you''? Hey, why don't you go kiss your new best friend, you love him so damn much! I'm the one who cleaned the kitchen. I'm the authority! :'''Carl''': ''[at the door]'' Someone wanna tell me why my pool is full of hotdog chunks and dirty dishes? :'''Master Shake''': Oh Carl, you didn't mess with it did ya? Cause it's gotta set up for a couple days with the battery. :'''Carl''': The battery? :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, you know, the one from your car. I dumped some shampoo in there too, but it's dog shampoo so I dunno if it's gonna work, but were prayin' like hell that it does. :'''Carl''': No, no, no, I understand, I understand. I'm just gonna go, I'll be back in a few. You uh, you think that the gun store is still open? :'''Ol' Drippy''': Carl, please, I'll take care of the mess. He means well, he's just a little... well, I'd better not say. :'''Master Shake''': What? I'm a little what? :'''Carl''': Thank you, Drippy. You are very well-mannered and very nice. ''[To Master Shake]'' And ''you'' oughta take lessons from him! :'''Frylock''': [agreeing with Carl] That's right! :'''Meatwad''': [agreeing with both Frylock and Carl] Yeah, Shake. That's right! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': Oh yeah, he's nice now, but don't come looking for me when he's burying your bodies out in the desert. <hr width+50%/> [Meatwad kicks out Shake] :'''Meatwad''': Well, get out of here! What are you waiting on? I’m gonna chase you outta here! [Sidewalk at night. Shake is in the rain] :'''Shake''':[Making a post-and-lintel structure out of sofa cushions] That’s good. Okay, that’s all right. That looks good. Hey, who says I couldn’t do this, huh?[Lightning strikes the sofa cushions apart] AAAAHHH! Let me in! Will you let me in, dammit! I mean, guys! Hey-hey! Somebody wanna let me in, please?[Frylock goes to open the door for Shake] :'''Frylock''': Well, Shake! I thought you moved. :'''Shake''': What?! I never said that! Who said that!?(He starts coughing) :'''Ol Drippy''': Oh my. You’re burning up. :'''Shake''': Yes, I’m very... sick.(He coughs some more) :'''Ol Drippy''': Frylock, he needs medical help. :'''Frylock''': He needs an ass-whooping is what he needs. :'''Ol Drippy''': There’s no time! Here Shake, eat my head! :'''Shake''': Here! Kiss my ass! Forget about it!! :'''Ol Drippy''': I’m serious. Coat me with ranch. Chase me with cheese if you must, I don’t care. It’s the only way. :'''Frylock''': Drippy, don’t! What are you doing? :'''Meatwad''': Don’t do that, that’s going to hurt you! :'''Ol Drippy''': I’m saving his life! I’m half penicillin! :'''Frylock''': Well, I have some penicillin in my lab if that’s what this is all about. :'''Ol Drippy''': Oh, really? Well then, just give him some of that man, I mean- :'''Shake''': No, wait. Now, hold on a minute, I- I kind of like the taste of your head. I mean, you said it was the only way, right?(coughs again) :'''Meatwad''': Where are you going, Drippy? I- I love you! :'''Ol Drippy''': I'm going away for a while, Meatwad. And I may never come back. But I'll always be here, inside. :'''Shake''': Yeah, in my stomach, baby. :'''Ol' Drippy''': Close your eyes, Meatwad. ''[Shake takes a big bite out of Ol' Drippy]'' AAH! :'''Shake''': Leave your eyes open, Meatwad. I wanna horrify you into a coma. <hr width+50%/> :''[Shake is eating fried chicken in the pool after Drippy got hit by a truck while saving his life]'' :'''Shake''': Look...he pushed me. :'''Fryock''': He pushed you out of the way of that truck. :'''Shake''': Listen...he's in a better place. :'''Frylock''': He's in the ''grill'' of the truck! :'''Meatwad''': He was my best friend. :'''Shake''': Ah, well then you should know something. When he was pushing me...he mentioned something about not liking you. :'''Frylock''': Ah, man. :'''Shake''': I clearly heard it. :'''Meatwad''': Did he really? :'''Shake''': That stuck out. :'''Meatwad''': Well...I guess I'll have one of those wings then. Gimme one. :'''Shake''': ''[Throws a wing towards Meatwad]'' Here, fetch. :'''Meatwad''': Where's the meat?! This is a bone! :'''Shake''': Go make a doll out of that! ===Revenge of the Mooninites=== :'''Meatwad''': How am I ever gonna win that ten speed? :'''Master Shake''': How are you ever gonna ride a ten speed with no frickin' legs?! You're just gonna bust the ass that you don't even have! Who bothered to spawn you...and ''why''?! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Fryman, we're full of religion. Everyone, please, bow your heads and pretend to be serious. :'''Err''': Do it or I'll bow 'em for ya! :''[Frylock throws the Mooninites out of the house]'' :'''Ignignokt''': You have deeply offended us and our god, and our god is a god of vengeance...and horror :'''Err''': And action! :'''Ignignokt''': Our god is an Indian that turns into a wolf :'''Err''': That's [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wolfen_(film) Wolfen], man. :'''Ignignokt''': Well...the Wolfen will come for you with his razor. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Meatwad''': I do not want to do anything illegal here, but I would kill somebody in front of their own mama to get a ten speed and if anybody testifies against me, I'll gouge their eyes out. :'''Err''': Let's go get drunk and rip off a ten speed! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, we'll get a basket and a horn on the handle. :'''Err''': Then we'll set it on fire and wreck it into children and laugh at their parents and then we'll...get on the... ohh man, I'm toasted! :'''Ignignokt''': The innocent shall suffer... big time. <hr width = 50% /> :''[Ignignokt shows Carl the Foreigner Belt]'' :'''Carl''': Wait a second...is that from the '83 tour? Yeah! I saw those guys in the Meadow Lands with Bryan Adams! That was a kickass show! I totally copped this feel off this passed out broad when they were playing ''Urgent''. Every time I hear ''Urgent'' on the radio I think of that girl's boobs and...covered in vomit. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Meatwad''': Oh, yeah baby! That's a neat car she's washin'! You think that's a straight six? :'''Err''': I think I ''have'' a straight six! :'''Ignignokt''': Ooh, Err, your sexual innuendo is priceless! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Torch the dresser, Meatwad. :'''Meatwad''': But, this is where Carl keeps his clothes. :'''Ignignokt''': Look, these women don't have any clothes and they're not complaining. :'''Err''': Yeah, man. They're kissin' each other! :'''Ignignokt''': And you want Carl to be forever kissed, don't you? :'''Meatwad''': Well, I guess so.. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Your neighbor Carl was gracious enough to let us rip him off and burn his furniture for no reason. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Carl''': I don't need no instructions to know how to rock! ===MC Pee Pants=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen, behold! My beautiful fiancée! :'''Steve''': Uh, I think that's a giant spider. :''[MC Pee Pants grabs Dr. Weird and starts to mangle him]'' :'''Dr. Weird''': You're right! I've been betrayed! Run! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''':'' [listening to Bach]'' Yeah, now listen to ''that'' beat. Now that's a kickin' glissando! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': I like beatings, I'll beat ya all day! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Hey, which one of you guys has been playin' "I Like Candy", for a ''frickin' week''?!?! :'''Frylock''': It was your other neighbor. :'''Shake''': Meatwad. :'''Carl''': You know what? At this point, it doesn't matter, 'cause it keeps runnin' inside my head and it won't leave unless I blow it out, with a bullet! :'''Master Shake''': ''[notices Carl's mouth is full]'' What you eating there, Carl? ''(walks over to him)'' You gonna show me some love? :'''Carl''': Jawbreakers. For some reason, I can't get enough of 'em. :'''Master Shake''': Is that why your teeth are blue? :'''Carl''': Uh... no. :'''Master Shake''': Oh. Uh... So, why are you... :'''Carl''': Shut up. ''[brief silence, then begins singing]'' I like candy, bubblegum and ta--''DAMN IT!!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Trick or treat, smell my meat...''[Carl shuts the door]]'' ...Ah, man. :'''Carl''': ''[Opens the door]'' Look, Meatman, what are you doing trick-or-treatin'?! It's frickin' May. :'''Meatwad''': Look, I need candy. Now, are you going to give me some, or are you going to lose some teeth? :'''Carl''': I know, I've only heard your little song a thousand times! Now I need candy and I don't know why. :'''Meatwad''': Shhh... I don't listen to that kiddie crap any more, I'm check'n the adult jams now, see, check it. MC Pee Pants don't just want candy now, that's childish, he ''needs'' it. And when you need something that's a responsibility, that only only an adult... of my maturity... bunnies! :'''Carl''': Yeah, I got a deal at the dumpster, I mean, warehouse. Yeah, you might want to wipe the juice off 'em. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': You know Meatwad and Carl have been hanging out quite a bit lately. :'''Shake''': What, you want 'em to stop? ''(yelling out the front door)'' Rape, rape, oh rape! :'''Frylock''': No, no, no, it's fine, it's fine, but don't think it's a little bit weird that they started washing the car at midnight...and they're still doing it? :'''Shake''': Look, people do things, it's a fact. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': Shake, did you hear this lyric? About drilling a hole straight to hell, and releasing demons to create a global diet pill pyramid scheme?! :'''Master Shake''': Eh, I don't know. All that rap is is clicks and whistles. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': 612 Wharf Avenue? I know where that is, that's the, uh, abandoned warehouse next to Melon Shakers...th-the Gentlemen's Club. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': I should not walk so a child may live. ''[pause]'' That's what it does. :'''Frylock''': Get up! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Why aren't your lips moving? :'''MC Pee Pants''': Look, my shniggys, I had a strizzoke in my brizzain, okay? You know what I'm sayin'? So I can't move all good. Thanks for bringing that up, thank you very much! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': You're all the things that are in this ad: you're energetic, hard-working, you like people— :'''MC Pee Pants''': No, I love the liquid ''inside'' people. How many times I gotta tell you this, man? I'm insane! I eat people-juice. No one's gonna hire a people-juice eater! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In hell]'' :'''MC Pee Pants''': Hey guys. Hey man, who's into rap yo? :'''Satan''': Now you listen to me scab! We listen to speed metal! :'''MC Pee Pants''': Hey man it's cool. ''[Satan blasts MC P Pants with fire]'' AAAHH! :'''Satan''': No, it isn't! ===Dumber Dolls=== :'''Dr Weird''': Gentleman, behold. My time space contin- ''[freezes]'' :'''Steve''': What? ''[long pause]'' Uhhh....Dr. Weird? ''[pushes over Dr. Weird, and he explodes]'' See you later have a good weekend! <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': ''[After running over Meatwad's toys with a lawnmower]'' Hey, your astronauts better watch where they land their ship next time, 'cause they might get ''overrun'' by the alien life form, hahaha! :'''Meatwad''': They don't use ships, they use rocket boots. :'''Shake''': They don't use nothin' now, do they? <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': No, no I don't have a firearm, I just got these...action bills. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Frylock, where are the pills? :'''Frylock''': Pills? What do you need pills for? :'''Meatwad''': Well, Happy-Time Harry needs 'em. He says that the pills make the phone calls go away. :'''Frylock''': ''[Writes on a post-it note]'' Alright Meatwad, this is a prescription from Dr. Frylock for Jolly Sunshine Happiness! :'''Meatwad''': Oh, you think this is a game?! They're gonna garnish his wages and how's he gonna pay child support then, huh? I'll tell ya, he ain't! <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Look man, all you had was root beer and triple sec. :'''Frylock''': I was gonna make margaritas with that! :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Ah man, you had tequila the whole time?! Well, where the...where is it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': ''[To Meatwad]'' Tomorrow I'm getting you a new doll with a sunnier attitude! :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Hey man, while you're there, you get me that Happy-Time Dialysis Machine. :'''Frylock''': Dialysis? :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Yeah. I had half my liver removed and I'm not supposed to drink, but...I do. <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Go ahead, man. Let's do this thing. :'''Master Shake''': I told you I'd do it, I'm gonna do it now. Hey Meatwad, look at this! ''[With Shake turned away, Harry pours gasoline over himself]'' Come to the window! Big time fun... you know what I mean? :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Okay dude, I just did all the prep work, now let's get it on! DO IT! :'''Master Shake''': Well.. shoot... I mean I was just going to sort of blow your jaw off with a firecracker or something.. I wasn't gonna.. I think I need to go pray. :''[Cut to Meatwad's room]'' :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Yo, that milkshake's got no guts, man. :'''Meatwad:''' You know, Happy-Time...Just being around you kinda makes me wanna die... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jiggle Billy:''' So... ''[dances]'' we jigglin' or- :'''Happy-Time Harry:''' Hey! Backwoods retard. Not now, not ever! :'''Jiggle Billy:''' Okay! Naptime! ''[dances]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry:''' You know, sometimes I like to take this knife and just...cut myself. ''[Chuckles]'' See how hard I can do it before I just...pass out, man. :'''Jiggle Billy:''' Shoo...well, uhh...commence the jigglin' y'all! <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Hey, check it out, man. You know why you came in that box, right? That's 'cause someone put you there...to die. :'''Jiggle Billy''': That ain't true now. I...I got me these night-vision goggles ''[Puts the goggles on]'' :'''Happy-Time Harry''': ''[Knocks the goggles off]'' For what? You're a hillbilly! You don't even know who you are, do you? Look at you, you're a clown. You're a joke. :'''Jiggle Billy''': ''[Pathetically]'' I don't know why I have these goggles. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock:''' You’re gonna chuck him off a cliff? Shake, we could have chucked him off the roof and stayed at home. :'''Master Shake:''' No, This is a magic cliff here, like in The [[w:Highlander_(film)|Highlander]]. So, you will become The Highlander, and you’ll roam the earth forever, trying to kill yourself, but you wouldn’t be able to, because you’ll be…immortal. Won’t that suck, little man? [laughs] :'''Meatwad:''' Well actually, That sounds kinda cool. :'''Master Shake:''' Yeah, it does. :'''Meatwad:''' Then I’m gonna do it. :'''Master Shake:''' NO, YOU’RE NOT! I’m doing it! :'''Frylock:''' Shake, Wait! The Highlander was just a movie. I mean- :'''Master Shake:''' Oh Frylock, The Highlander was a documentary, and the events happen in real time. :'''Meatwad:''' So, this cliff is magic? :'''Master Shake:''' Oh yeah, Big time. :'''Meatwad:''' I’m doing it now. :'''Happy-Time Harry''': No man, Look you gotta be born a Highlander, You can’t just…become one. :'''Frylock:''' See, he saw the movie too. :'''Meatwad:''' You know, that’s right. :'''Master Shake:''' I know, I saw cliffs, Okay. And there’s lots of magic everywhere…And Mel Gibson. :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Uhh, [[w:Braveheart|Braveheart]]? Hello? :'''Master Shake:''' Oh, You think you’re the expert? Lets see how much your ass know about FLYING! [throws Happy-Time off a cliff.] Yeah! that’s what I’m talking about. :'''Frylock:''' You done? Because that took forever... :'''Master Shake:''' I am-Well I am foreverrr.....I AM IMMORTAL!!! :'''Frylock:''' Shake, No! ''[Master Shake jumps off the cliff, his straw clinging to a branch]'' :'''Master Shake:''' Damn branch…Wait! I'm not immortal here, Okay? :'''Frylock:''' Hang on Shake, we'll call for help! :'''Meatwad:''' No, tell him to let go. :'''Master Shake:''' Yeah, Hurry! I think that the branch will hold for... ''[branch breaks]'' IT'S NOT HOLDING!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': (Floating in the pool with Meatwad) So, I guess the Highlander comes out of traction today. :'''Meatwad''': Well, I hoped they fixed his eyes. They got messed up pretty bad in that fall. :'''Frylock''': Well, the doctors gave him some hard plastic replacements, So don't stare at them, Okay? He’s real self conscious about it. :'''Meatwad:''' Okay. :'''Shake''': (comes in on wheelchair with large eyes) Alas, I return. :'''Frylock''': Oh! There you are! :'''Master Shake:''' Where are you? :'''Meatwad''': Dang! What happened to your eyes?! They look weird. :'''Frylock''': Shhh! :'''Shake''': Oh, shut up! “There can be, only one!” (Lifts up a sword and lightning strikes it, and then he drops it and falls out of the chair and is set on fire). :'''Meatwad''': We grillin' tonight. ===Bad Replicant=== :''[Dr. Weird is hanging upside-down.]'' :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen! Chop off my head with such velocity that my blood will rocket through my neck, and propel my lifeless body, all the way to Phoenix! :'''Steve''': Wow. Uh, what's in Phoenix? :'''Dr. Weird''': Why, it's your mama, Steve! Get the axe! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Look at it [the Earth] out there. Orbiting like it's so cool. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Look at him and tell me there's a God. :'''Meatwad''': He made me in His own image. :'''Master Shake''': Oh, yeah, God's a big meatball, I forgot. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha. :'''Meatwad''': He is. :'''Master Shake''': Does he stink like you do? <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, that's right. And he ain't my best friend, neither. He yells at me and scares me and locks me in the attic, and pours liquid on my head that stink, and freeze me with the fire extinguisher, and a whole bunch of other stuff I can't remember 'cause he shocked me in the head with a car battery. ''[pause]'' With a bunch of clamps, and sparks, and ... <hr width=50%/> :'''Emory''': Yeah, hey Oglethorpe, do you remember this guy [Shake]? :'''Oglethorpe''': I'm starting to. :'''Emory''': And how annoying he was. :'''Oglethorpe''': Yes, and how he scoffed at our magazines! :'''Emory''': So, uh, what were we gonna do with him? :'''Ogletorpe''': ...We shall use him for the armies ... of the night! :'''Emory''': But I thought the guy down there was going to build an army ... of the night. :'''Oglethorpe''': Different army dorkface! This army will take over the rest of the galaxy! You see how my mind works? It's like a laser! :'''Shake''': You know, I know you from somewere. :'''Oglethorpe''': He must not know who we are. Quick, paint the Mind Room! :'''Emory''': Uh, I'm still not done with the trim on that. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Oh, you're ki — Meatwad, it's not polite to stare. :'''Meatwad''': But, look at him. :'''Major Shake''': No, it's okay, I know. I'm totally, hideous. :'''Meatwad''': No i-it's cool, I was just wondering if that jambox worked, you know. Shake threw mine in a cobra cage, and dared me to go get it, and that's why I'm all puffy back here. <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, well son of a … imprison him within the rings! :''[Disco light rings come down around Shake.]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': You'll never move from that spot again, unless you like being cut in half! :''[The phone rings. Shake reaches through the rings to answer it.]'' :'''Master Shake''': Yelloo? :'''Oglethorpe''': The laser rings! :'''Master Shake''': Look, brother, these ain't nothin but disco lights. :'''Emory''': No, the installer said that they were imprison laser rings, and I, I believed him. :'''Oglethorpe''': Don't listen to him, for he is a witch! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Look, look, settle down, can you just maybe try and replicate some other people, and get an army going and then take over the entire planet. :'''Emory''': Or is that not possible. :'''Major Shake''': Well I don't know, I don't think I can replicate others, was that your plan? :'''Oglethorpe''': Well, one of them. We have many plans. :'''Major Shake''': Well maybe your next plan should be to tell me what the plan is. :'''Oglethorpe''': Look, settle down. It's all cool. :'''Major Shake''': No. No. Look at me dude. I'm a leaky, disgusting, abomination and I'm not going to do it anymore. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Did they not see us sitting here? :'''Major Shake''': No, I'm sure it'll come to them. :''(On the ship)'' :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, damn it! :'''Emory''': What? :'''Oglethorpe''': That was that man, the fry-man! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': So, is he like replicating it? :'''Frylock''': No, he's hotwiring it. :'''Meatwad''': Oh, shoot I was hoping I'd learn something. Science is a mystery to man, isn't it Frylock? :'''Frylock''': Yeah it sure is Meatwad... :'''Meatwad''': Like how we all evolved from the ancient dinosaur. I wish I had some of their stuff boy. Like them tail. Them tails that make 'em fly. :'''Frylock''': Shut up, Damn! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': So, did they, um … ever find your car? :'''Carl''': Oh, they found part of it, you know, hang'n from a trestle near the turnpike. Yeah the cops said he had a … a "straw-like protrusion" and a "cup-like body." You know anybody like 'at? :'''Frylock''': Uh, well, it wasn't Shake, Carl. He was abducted by aliens earlier this afternoon. :'''Carl''': Oh, I knew that. Yeah, of course. :'''Frylock''': He was … seriously. :'''Carl''': I hate you! <hr width=50%/> :'''Emory''': So, what are we gonna do with the prisoner? :'''Oglethorpe''': We shall ask the mighty Orbnauticus. :''[A disco ball comes down from the ceiling.]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': Orbnauticus, we seek wisdom. To what evil purpose shall we put our slave to use? <hr width+50%/> ===Circus=== :'''Shake''': Meatwad, get in this bag! :'''Frylock''': What?! :'''Shake''': What? I got airholes... it's a joke, it'a joke, ha ha, don't get in that bag, you little meat. :''[cut to Shake and Meatwad in an alley]'' :'''Shake''': Now you stay in that bag! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': So is this where the camp is? :'''Shake''': Yes, now gimme a hug. But, keep the bag on, okay? :'''Meatwad''': Smells like vomit. :'''Shake''': Shut up! The counselor is about the counsel you, and he will send you right back home if you talk and you'll never learn RAM! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Okay Shake, see you in a week. :'''Shake''': Yeah, I'll see you in a week. In hell! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Hey Randy, I don't know what's going on, but can I trade bunks? 'Cause my roommate's...wha- are those his organs? :'''Randy''': Oh that's Inside-Out Boy. His mouth is in his belly, so he's gotta slap at his vocal chords with his bladder in order to make words. :'''Meatwad''': ...I-I-I don't like this camp. Can I go home now? :'''Randy''': GROW INTO A MOUNTAIN DAMNIT! Terrify me! :'''Meatwad''': Now see, I don't do that but I can do this (turns into a hotdog) and this. (turns into a igloo) Ta-da! :'''Randy''': Ripped off again. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Hey, where's Meat Mountain there? :'''Frylock''': You mean Meatwad. :'''Carl''': Oh no, they were callin' 'im Meat Mountain last night. :'''Shake''': Okay, I'm gonna go. :'''Frylock''': You're not going anywhere Shake. :'''Carl''': Yeah, ya gotta come check this out man. Igloo, hot dog, igloo, that bit. But the whole time the stripper's shakin' it in front of 'im. :'''Frylock''': My goodness! Where was this?! :'''Carl''': The warehouse in front of Girls For You, you know, the lingerie modeling place. :'''Frylock''': Uh, no, I don't know Carl. :'''Carl''': Well-ell, twenty bucks, twenty minutes. I'm tellin' ya, one Friday night, you and me Fry-man, blow the lid off the joint! Yeah-heh! :'''Frylock''': I don't think so Carl. :'''Carl''': What, you gay? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': You sold Meatwad to the circus, didn't you?! :'''Shake''': Every day I buy and sell people like you! But no, I did not do that. But based on what I'm hearing here, someone may have. :'''Frylock''': How much, Shake? :'''Shake''': Two. :'''Frylock''': Two? Two what? :'''Shake''': Two dollars. What? What's wrong with that? :''[cut to Shake, Frylock, and Carl at the circus, where Shake sees the price of admission]'' :'''Shake''': Two dollars and fifty cents! Are they out of their minds?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Look, I don't work my ass off for twenty hours a week so I can throw my money away, that's wasteful! These bills are strictly for me to kiss...and slip in some stripper's underwear, so come on! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Wow, the crowd is really getting off on this. :'''Carl''': Well, that's great. I'm so happy for 'em. Where are the strippers?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Yeah, you the supervisor? Where were the strippers? :'''Randy''': Didn't need 'em. Meat Mountain pulls in the crowd all by himself. :'''Carl''': Well you give me back my $2.50, 'cause I ain't payin' for something that happens every day on the hood of my car! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Randy, he ''[Shake]'' ain't from space. :'''Randy''': Yeah, I know little guy, cause I'm the prince of Jupiter. :'''Meatwad''': You never told me that. :'''Randy''': See, years ago my dad sent me down here to conquer your species by ''infiltrating'' your gene pool, know what I mean? ''[chuckles]'' Know what I mean? :'''Meatwad''': No :'''Randy''': Well...when a man and woman love each other...physically...outside of a bar. :'''Meatwad''': Which bar? <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Listen to me Randy, it doesn't matter if you're white, or black, or a sasquatch even. As long as you follow your dreams, no matter how crazy or against the law it is. Except for sasquatch, if you're a sasquatch the rules are different. :'''Randy''': Forget it Meatwad, I'm a circus freak, and that's all I'll ever be. :'''Meatwad''': ...Whatever. <hr width=50%/> :''[Shake comes disguised As Meatwad]'' :'''Shake''': Hey, look at me! I'm stupid as hell, I can't even breathe properly, let alone read! What's that? :'''Randy''': And now.. the Amazing Arctic Igloo! :'''Shake''': What?! :'''Frylock''': Yeah, turn into that Igloo! :'''Carl''': Take your top off!! :'''Frylock''': Carl... :'''Randy''': Yeah..so..where is that, Milkshake? :'''Shake''': Well I uh.. ''(takes off his costume and shows it's really him in disguise with hair under his eyes)'' Look it's the Amazing Milkshake with the Bearded Eyes!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': And I'll tell you something else Frylock, I did not see one computer in that whole camp. :'''Frylock''': Yeah, yeah. Say, have you noticed that Indian burial ground that's coming up through our drain again? :'''Meatwad''': Nah, that's Inside-out Boy. He just needs a place to stay for a few days. :'''Shake''': Whoo, I just ate a whole bathtub full of cherry cobbler. It was delicious. :'''Meatwad''': ...You're joking, right? :'''Shake''': No, I'm not. :'''Meatwad''': ...NOOOOOOOOO!!! <hr width+50%/> ===Love Mummy=== <hr width=50%/> :''[Mummy is yelling in the basement]'' :'''Frylock''': Shake? ''[Yelling Continues]'' Shake! Turn those damn monster movies down-- ''[Notices nobody in the living room]'' Shake? :''[Master Shake and Meatwad enter living room]'' :'''Master Shake''': Who's watching my TV? Because I... :'''Meatwad''': I bought the damn TV! :'''Frylock''': Will you two shut up and listen? ''[Yelling Continues]'' It sounds like it's coming from the floor. :'''Master Shake''': ''[beats the floor with a broomstick]'' Will you SHUT UP?! You hear me?! It's three o'clock in the morning and I need to sleep! ''[Frylock knocks him out with chloroform]'' :'''Meatwad''': Hey, can I have some of that? :'''Frylock''': Just go to sleep and we'll deal with it in the morning. :'''Meatwad''': Yeah sure, I'll just go to sleep and tomorrow morning I'm gonna call me a social worker. ''[Frylock prepares a dose of chloroform]'' And tell him I'm in unfit living conditions and the city will be over here so fast tha-- oh. ''[Knocked out by chloroform]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': No, here's a better idea: Hell no. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Why does he get a lobster? :'''Frylock''': 'Cause he's the mummy, damn it! Now shut up! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Do you know what time it is, huh? It's 2:30 in the afternoon, and people are trying to sleep. ''[Notices the mummy]'' Whose mummy? :'''Frylock''': I found it in the crawlspace. :'''Master Shake''': So you were the one doing all the moaning when I was trying to sleep, huh? :''[Mummy giggles]'' :'''Master Shake''': Shake, you don't wanna piss him off. He has the power to curse you. :'''Meatwad''': Do it, Shake. Piss him off. :'''Master Shake''': I'll do what I want, when I want, and how I want, and no mummy— you hear me, Band-Aid... :'''Meatwad''': Here it comes. :'''Master Shake''': No mummy is gonna tell me what to do. :'''Mummy''': Curse! Curse! CURSE! :'''Meatwad''': Oh, damn. :'''Master Shake''': You done? We all done... :'''Mummy''': CURSE! :'''Master Shake''': Now are you done? :'''Mummy''': Yes. :'''Master Shake''': Cause I'm done listening to you. I got a curse for you. It's called, "tomorrow morning, your ass is outta here." I'm going back to bed! :'''Mummy''': Curse. :'''Master Shake''': I heard it already! I know! It's a friggin' curse! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Shake, I think he may have cursed you. :'''Master Shake''': ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, je-ya think? Cuz, I mean, he only said it about a thousand times! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': (reading) "The curse of the mummy is just a figure of speech. Vomiting locusts for a thousand years is just an old wives tale. The ''real'' curse of the mummy is that he is completely socially inept, devoid of all manners, gold-digging, manipulative, and a selfish brat. Don't ever wake him unless you have a lot of time and money on your hands. Thank you for buying ''Mummies for Dummies''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': ''[Wearing the Mummy's Hat]'' I'm the King! King Carl! :'''Mummy''': ''[Yelling in the Background]'' :'''Carl''': ''[Mimicing Egyptian Music]'' Da da da da daaa, you know I'm your ruler! :'''Mummy''': CURSE! CUUURSE! :'''Carl''': Huh hun huh hee, yeah ''[Mummy continuing to yell]'' SHUT UP! <hr width+50%/> ===Dumber Days=== :'''Meatwad''': Shoot, I'm so dumb as hell I'll never get hired in today's fast-paced world. I'm just gonna go inside and wait for my body to die. :'''Schoolly D''': ''[Narrating]'' Aw, c'mon Meatwad, you can't be that dumb. :''[Pan to Meatwad inside Carl's bedroom]'' :'''Meatwad''': What, is this not my room? :'''Carl''': What do you think? :'''Meatwad''': ......Yes? :''[Carl throws Meatwad out the window]'' :'''Schoolly D''': Well, damn. Maybe Meatwad ''is'' that dumb. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Wait a second. This ain't no brain, this is a damn bee's nest. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': A book?! No sir! Shake says that books is from the devil, and that TV is twice as fast. :'''Frylock''': Twice as fast at what? :'''Meatwad''': Information. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[Reading from ''"The Tiniest Bullfrog"'']'' Jeremy the Bullfrog lived in a tiny swamp on the edge of town. Every day he would dream of playing professional basketball. But he lived in a swamp, far away from the city lights and a major market team. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': One look at Niels Bohr's atomic model makes it abundantly clear that there is a way to pass through solid matter. So in summation, we can have our daily tea-party in the fifth dimension. :'''Frylock''': Knock-knock. Well, I hope I'm--OH MY GOD! :''[Meatwad is about 10-15 times his usual size]'' :'''Meatwad''': Frylock, what a pleasant surprise. I'm just finishing up my symposium. You've met my colleagues, Professor Vanessa and Dr. Dewey. :'''Frylock''': Yeah, what happened to your body, man?! :'''Meatwad''': Well, it's obvious, isn't it? Thermal expansion. :'''Frylock''': No, it's not thermal expansion. I know what thermal expansion is. :'''Meatwad''': Okay, fine, I'm sure that you do. Let's see.. how can I explain this without blowing your mind. :'''Frylock''': Oh yes, please. Dumb it down for me. :'''Meatwad''': Heisenburg's Uncertainty Principle tells us that at a specific curvature of space, knowledge can be transferred into energy-- :'''Frylock''': Heisenburg's Uncertainty--! :'''Meatwad''': ...and this is key now...matter. :'''Frylock''': No it does not! :'''Meatwad''': Well, some people struggle with Heisenburg. ''[pulls out a yo-yo]'' Look, here's a toy. It goes up and down on a string. Doesn't that look like fun? :'''Frylock''': ''[knocks yo-yo away]'' Get that out of my face! :'''Meatwad''': Why don't you take that into the other room while the adults are doing important research here. :'''Frylock''': Oh, I'm sorry Professor! I didn't realize knowledge could also transform you into an arrogant ass! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[levitating a boy in a car with his mind]'' Quiet! I need complete concentration or the child will die. <hr width=50%/> :''[Carl's car crashes on his roof]'' :'''Carl''': Ohh, do not tell me that that is my car up there on the roof! :'''Meatwad''': Okay, we won't. :'''Carl''': Get it down! :'''Meatwad''': Okay. :'''Carl''': Wait, wait no don't! ''[car crashes to the ground]'' DAMMIT! ===Interfection=== <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr Weird''': ''(his head has shrunk and speaking in a high pitch voice)'' GENTLEMEN! TURN IT ON! :'''Steve''': Okay. ''(pushes a button to pump Dr Weird's head)'' :'''Dr Weird''' ''(head gets bigger and bigger)'' ''TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Plaque is a figment of the liberal media and the dental industry to scare you into buying useless appliances and pastes. Now, I've read the arguments on both sides, and I haven't found any evidence yet to support the need to brush your teeth. ''Ever.'' :'''Meatwad''': I don't know how you'd know; you ain't got no teeth. :'''Master Shake''': Well, I got rid of my teeth at a young age, because...I'm straight. Teeth are for gay people. That's why fairies come and get 'em. :'''Meatwad''': If teeth make me gay then sign me up, 'cause I wish I had 'em. <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': Computer, search for teeth and plaque conspiracy ''(pause),'' and Metallica. :'''Meatwad''': And Justin Timberlake. ''[Shake ignores him]'' Do a search for Justin Timberlake. ''[Shake continues to ignore him]'' ... J-U-S-- :'''Shake''': Please hush up. The search needs complete silence to work. :'''Meatwad''': Oh shoot, I forgot. I'm sorry. :'''Master Shake''': Well, I'm sorry, but if ''you'' can't learn that little lesson, then someone's going to get their little mouth stabbed shut with skewers! And then we'll see how easily the axe slices through the meat! :''[Meatwad's eyes get big, then he starts bawling.]'' :'''Master Shake''': All right, okay. Maybe that was a little huge. Listen, I would never hit you with an axe... :''[Meatwad's sobs subside as he pauses for a second and looks up at Master Shake]'' :'''Master Shake''': ...when you had skewers stabbed through your mouth. :''[Meatwad immediately resumes crying.]'' :'''Master Shake''': I would think one or the other would be enough. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': All right! Five point nine percent over APR! You don't get that every day! :'''Master Shake''': Are you kidding?! With APR like that I could just die! <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that I was in the Supreme frickin' Court here! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah. Neither did I. :'''Shake''': Should I have my lawyer present for my frickin' trial?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Is it hot, girl-on-girl action? <hr width=50%/> :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': It's so easy to use, and the surgery to implant it in the base of your skull is so painless, it's no wonder I'm #1! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': [appears on a monitor] Hello there, Internet Cyberville. Hey, if your watching this right now, I'm running outta oxygen and I seriously need to get to my bathroom, WHICH IS CURRENTLY BEING BLOCKED BY SOME STUPID ASS HIT-THE-MONKEY THING! [pop-up falls on Carl's fingers cutting them] Oh god! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Hey listen, could you get me some chicks that ''don't'' have the ZZ Top Lumberjack look? If I wanted to date Sasquatch, I'd call your mother. Ha-ha! <hr width=50%/> :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': But the skull implant comes in this decorative tin. :'''Frylock''': Decorate ''this!'' ''[uses eye lasers to blow up pop-up ad for the tin]'' :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': Okay, okay, okay, okay! Fine! Fine. Don't use our service. Get left in the digital dust! But remember, you could have won a Porsche. <hr width=50%/> :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': And after this 90-day trial, you will be judged and sentenced to a lifetime of interactive sports, news, and information. And we will continue to draw from your account, because banks don't care. It's not their money. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': I'm tired of livin' in this tree, now. How long till we gonna go home? :'''Frylock''': Two more weeks. :'''Meatwad''': TWO MORE WEEKS?! :'''Frylock''': Shut up and eat your squirrel meat! :'''Shake''': Squirrel meat, bleh. :''[Pop up ads begin to appear as the Wwwyzzerdd cackles in the background]'' :'''Shake''': What? I got wireless. ''[Hits an ad]'' What? ===PDA=== :'''Shake''': Someone stole my PDA, and I will ruin this house with my anger! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': Look Shake, people usually get a PDA when they have a job, and friends, and a life! :'''Shake''': Look, you, you, you happen to have no idea what I do for a living do you? :'''Frylock''': You're damn right I don't! I saw you boil a hot dog today. Did you get paid for that?! :'''Shake''': Because I don't have access to my scheduling book, because my PDA's gone! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': Wha, oh come on! We're lookin' for my thing, together, we're like buds, it's cool. Hey, you fly. You go, why don't you go check the gutters. :'''Frylock''': But, why would it be up in the gutters, Shake? :'''Shake''': That's where your DVD burner ended up, when it decided not to work. :'''Frylock''': Oh, I ''damn'' sure better not find that up there! :'''Master Shake''': Well, that's the last place I remember chucking it. :''[Frylock flies to the roof.]'' :'''Frylock''': ''[yelling]'' Hey! Dammit! You did throw my DVD burner up here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': I have some parents, Frylock? :'''Frylock''': Hell no, you don't have any damn parents! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': This is your captain speaking and welcome to the glass-bottom boat ride at the world famous Trenton Tar Pits. I just wanna let you all know I'm a convicted sex offender. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Tar, well, I tell ya if I wanna smell like a shingle, I go get my frisbee and my tanktop and my [[w:Captain EO|Captain EO]] out of the gutter. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': There ain't nothin' down here but tar and a condom wrapper! This is gross! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': All right, and I'm back, ladies and gentlemen. They won't be bothering us anymore. I chased them off with my nudity...does that arouse anyone down there, or... :'''Meatwad''': What does that mean? :'''Frylock''': It means that we're gonna get off this boat right now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': Okay, and we've docked...and I feel a little sexy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': Who down there wants to meet the captain? And feel sexy with him. :'''Meatwad''': Oooh, I do, I wanna meet the captain! :'''Frylock''': No, you don't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': Ah, jee whiz! This is the greatest gift I ever got in my life that I never wanted ever! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Romulox''': Oh, I didn't see your knock-offs there, nice. Are you goin' for the ironic look, or the look-I-don't-have-any-money look? :'''Shake''': I don't know, which one would you do? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': What's wrong with your elbow? :'''Romulox''': Oh, you didn't get that surgery. I'm sorry. :'''Meatwad''': We don't have insurance. :'''Romulox''': Only two people have the easy-flow elbow, and one of them happens to be named [[w:Bruce Willis|Bruce Willis]]. <hr width+50%/> ===Mail Order Bride=== :'''Frylock''': Santa's coming tonight Meatwad, so I really need your Christmas list— :'''Meatwad''': Here. :'''Frylock''': …and if you've been a good boy this year, you may just get this…this L-shaped thing. :'''Meatwad''': No, see, what that is, is a hair dryer. :'''Frylock''': You want a hair dryer? :'''Meatwad''': Yeah. :'''Frylock''': For what? You don't have any- :'''Meatwad''': Keep reading, next to the hair dryer. :'''Frylock''': This—this is a squiggle. :'''Meatwad''': No, that's hair. You read it backwards, fool. So go get it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Oh, man. I cannot wait. I got the oils, the candles, the works! When does that babe get here? :'''Master Shake''': Carl, don't refer to her as a "babe", please. She is a Chechnyan prostitute, and you will address her as such. :'''Carl''': Look, just don't cash that check immediately. I wanna make sure that both of us marryin' her is gonna be, you know, legal. :'''Master Shake''': Of course it is! What are you kidding me? Santa Claus ain't legal and he's around. :'''Carl''': Well, I guess that makes sense, you know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': Look merry, dammit! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Shoo, that sure was a good sleep I had. WHERE ARE THE DAMN PRESENTS?! :'''Frylock''': It's 4:00 in the afternoon Meatwad, that wasn't Santa. :'''Meatwad''': Well, you know, maybe Santa's just gettin' a jump start on things this year. 'Cause, you know, statistics they show that there are more people in the world today. That's China's fault. :'''Frylock''': Where do you get this information? :'''Meatwad''': Regis. <hr width="50%"/> :''[on a ladder]'' :'''Carl''': Look, would you just hold it with your hands?! :'''Master Shake''': I can do two things at the same time, chubby. :'''Carl''': No, ya can't! :'''Master Shake''': ''[reading a magazine to himself]'' Huey Lewis making a comeback! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Carl has broken his neck.]'' :'''Carl''': Hey, get back here! I think I need some help here! :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, I know you do. :''[Master Shake walks away.]'' :'''Carl''': Get back here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': Well, there ain't gonna be no dinner this year. :'''Frylock''': What about your girlfriend. I thought she was gonna cook. :'''Master Shake''': "Co-fiancee." Let's get it right, please. :'''Frylock''': "Co-"? :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, you know, I'll split her with Carl. So he's "co-owner." :'''Frylock''': You're depraved. :'''Master Shake''': Yes, thank you, I think she sees that quality in me. But that damn Carl is so Selfish. :'''Meatwad''': Carl should remember the reason for the season. :'''Master Shake''': The reason for the season is pleasin and I ain't gettin much pleasin and Carl better get his ass with the program. :'''Carl''': Get with what program, Cup? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Hey fry-man, you think I can get you to come over here and uh, blow a frickin' hole in my wall? :'''Frylock''': What's wrong, Carl? :'''Carl''': Well, for starters, she's barricaded herself inside the house. And every time she talks to me, it's in this, like, language. It's like some demon yelling at me, or something! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Schoolly D''': Santa Claus got barbeque sauce in his drawers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Okay, I'm awake. Let's, uh, friggin go get married. :'''Meatwad''': Oh Good! :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, brotha! :'''Carl''': Let's get married, yeah! :''[at Carl's house]'' :'''Frylock''': And do you, Svetlana... what does this say? :'''Carl''': Look, just say Smith or Jones or something... there's no way you can pronounce that right. :'''Frylock''': Svetlana Smith take Carl... :'''Carl''': Just say Smith again, it don't matter... none of this matters. :'''Frylock''': ...Smith to be your lawfully wedded husband... :'''Master Shake''': Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! :'''Frylock''': ...to honor... :'''Master Shake''': Back up! Rewind! :'''Frylock''': ...take Carl, and Master Shake... :'''Master Shake''': That's more like it. :'''Frylock''': to be your lawfully wedded husbands as long as you three shall live. :'''Svetlana''': ''[speaking Russian, from inside Carl's house]'' :'''Carl''': Alright, yeah! :'''Master Shake''': Alright, score! :'''Carl''': Sweet nectar! :'''Frylock''': Okay, now shove the ring under the door. :'''Master Shake''': No, we're not doing the ring, I'm not gettin' roped into all that. :'''Frylock''': How can you not have a ring? :'''Master Shake''': No, it ends here. I haven't seen food once since she's shown up. :'''Carl''': He's right, let's do this thing - light this candle. :'''Frylock''': By the power invested in me by the state of New Jersey I now pronounce you men and wife. You may now kiss the door. :'''Master Shake''': Blow it open Frylock. :'''Carl''': Do it! :'''Svetlana''': [speaking Russian; escapes] :'''Carl''': Svetlana, baby? :'''Master Shake''': Great! Great! :'''Carl''': Oh Man! She got the car. :'''Meatwad''': Well technically, it's half hers now, right? Or a third, I don't know. :'''George''': Introducing the new Misters and Mrs. Bertwoski! :'''Carl''': It's Brutananadilewski! And you get the hell out of here! :'''Master Shake''': No way, you are staying! We got him til two. <hr width+50%/> ===Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future=== :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Now in the future, the past has occurred. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': You're the Ghost of Christmas Past...right? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': That is correct. :'''Carl''': Okay, well...I mean, you know that it's February...right? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[pause]'' I am a robot. :'''Carl''': Well, you know, obviously. What are you, stupid? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[stutters]'' I will see you in December, tomorrow! :'''Carl''': Okay, whatever there, just lock your door on the way- :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[breaks through the wall]'' Do what? :'''Carl''': Nevermind, just leave! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Flashback to Carl's house on Christmas in the 1960s]'' :'''Carl''':''[opening his present]'' Oh boy oh boy oh boy I hope this is a new mommy! :'''Carl's Dad''': Yeah, it's not. Hurry up and open it, ya little creep, we gotta be at work in an hour. :'''Carl''': What is this, is this carpet, daddy? :'''Carl's Dad''': Carpet? No. That's [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Berber_carpet berber], its an industry term. :'''Carl''': Hey, look it's a magic flyin' carpet! Look at me, I'm flyin' around in Egyptland! :'''Carl's Dad''':''[cuts Carl off]'' Yeah, that's cute. Don't get too attached there, Aladdin, 'cause its about to be magic flyin' dinner. :'''Carl''':''[looking worried]'' Y-you can't eat carpet... Silly Daddy. :'''Carl's Dad''': Hehe, not like that you can't. You gotta boil it, till the glue gets soft.:''[looks at his watch]'' Oh jeez, look at the time! :'''Carl''': But it's Christmas, Daddy! :'''Carl's Dad''': You're not getting out of this one! Put on your work boots and your respirator! I pulled ''A LOT'' of strings to get them to hire an 8 year old. :'''Carl''':''[Muttering to himself]'' Don't make me go, I don't wanna make insulation... :'''Carl's Dad''': ''C'MON, WE'RE LATE!!!!'' :'''Carl''': OH GOD! :''[Robot appears and lasers shoot everywhere]'' :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': You remember that Christmas, don't you? :'''Carl''': Yeah, well, you know, I remember eating carpet. Not so much the, uh, lasers and the robots. <hr width=50%/> :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': And that is where babies come from … for machines. :'''Meatwad''': Boy, that's some story. That...kinda is different from what I been told about people loving each other...and, you know, physically... :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': No! That is very wrong! You cling to your pathetic fable of fluid exchange. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': (after finding his swimming pool filled with blood) It looks like someone wrung a herd of cows through a juicer or something! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Wait, wait...who unionized? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Wouldn't you like to know? Probably yo mama. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Man, it makes me sad they had to open their gifts in front of an ape and they were all made out of doodoo. What kinda Christmas is that?! :'''Frylock''': It's okay Meatwad. This is all a bunch of bull. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': You don't believe? :'''Frylock''': Believe what? That you're a ghost and Santa Claus is an ape? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever- :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''Was'' an ape. Now he is a machine! :'''Meatwad''': I left cookies and a glass of milk FOR A MACHINE?!! :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': No man, he's an ape. ''[They look at him questioningly]'' I mean, wait he is a machine! You were trying to mess me up on purpose! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': But I thought everyone back then was undeveloped? Couldn't make machines with their crinkled hands. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Well the elves came from the red planet, and there was much defecation. :'''Frylock''': Yeah, yeah, you mentioned that. How long ago did you say this was? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[Fog rolls in]'' Thousands of years ago- :'''Frylock''': Oh shut up! You still haven't explained why the pool is filled with elf blood! :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': I told you earlier, it was the Great Circuiting. :'''Frylock''': You didn't mention no "Great Circuiting". :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Oh, I didn't? ''[pause]'' Thousands of years ago... <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': I hate to be a buzz kill, but he said that your house is on elf graves and they're pissed off. :'''Carl''': All right, fine, we'll do that. :'''Meatwad''': And the blood's just gonna keep flowing, unless …. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Unless Carl pays tribute to the Elfin Elders in space. :'''Carl''': I'll do it. What do I do? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': You must give up yourself to the Great Red Ape. :'''Carl''': Okay … how much? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Sexually. :'''Carl''': … wonderful. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': What did you say your name was again? :'''Glenn Danzig''': Danzig, mother fucker! I got a question: can you make the blood flow up the walls? :'''Carl''': Lemme go talk to my blood guy over here. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': I don't see why not. :'''Carl''': That's elf blood, too. That ain't cheap-- :'''Glenn Danzig''': How much you want? :'''Carl''': Oh, I dunno...a million? :'''Glenn Danzig''': Killer. Draft the check tomorrow. :'''Carl''': You're serious--THANK YOU GOD!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Glenn Danzig''': Now look, you listen to me as hard as you fucking can. That fucking robot came with the fuckin' house, and now he's fucking gone! If you see that mother-- :'''Master Shake''': Oh, don't worry, we'll tell you! :'''Glenn Danzig''': You fucking better. If I find out he's over here, I'm gonna be eating my cereal out of the bottom of your fuckin' skull! Verstandlich?!! ''[Glenn walks away]'' :'''Master Shake''': Ok. So... thank you :'''Meatwad''': ''[To Cybernetic Ghost]'' Hey you come out now. He's gone. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': (about Danzig) I cannot live with that guy. He is ''so'' annoying, he is ''so'' frightening, and he doesn't wear a shirt. :'''Master Shake''': You make our house bleed right now! ==External links== {{wikipedia|Aqua Teen Hunger Force (season 1)|Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 1)}} *[http://video.adultswim.com/aqua-teen-hunger-force/ ''Aqua Teen Hunger Force''] at Adult Swim *{{imdb title||Aqua Teen Hunger Force}} [[Category:Aqua Teen Hunger Force seasons]] {| class="wikitable" border="1" style="width:100%; text-align: center;" | width="30%" | <small>N/A</small> | width="30%" | '''''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]'' [[w:List of Aqua Teen Hunger Force episodes|seasons]]''' | width="30%" | Succeeded by<br>'''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 2)|Season 2]]''' |} {{Adult Swim}} kikkx4r4wh3mprm7xtqn1qq4gljm3tt 3157862 3157861 2022-08-25T15:46:01Z 45.5.116.93 /* Love Mummy */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 1)|1]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 2)|2]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 3)|3]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 4)|4]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 5)|5]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 6)|6]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 7)|7]] | [[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1]] | [[Aqua Something You Know Whatever]] | [[Aqua TV Show Show]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force|'''Main''']] ---- <br> '''''[[w:Aqua Teen Hunger Force|Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''''', (also known by various [[w:Aqua Teen Hunger Force#Alternative titles|alternative titles]]), (2000–15) is an [[w:animated series|animated television series]] from the [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]]'s [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]] programming block. The show follows the exploits of three [[w:anthropomorphic|anthropomorphic]] fast food items: [[w:Master Shake|Master Shake]], the milkshake; [[w:Frylock|Frylock]], the carton of French fries; and [[w:Meatwad|Meatwad]], the aptly named wad of meat. ===[[w:Rabbot|Rabbot]]=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen! Vegetables have threatened man for generations. I have obtained funds to solve this vegetable nightmare! :'''Steve''': Uh, Dr. Weird — :'''Dr. Weird''': Behold... :'''Steve''': I thought that grant was for somewhat to cure diseases, and …. :'''Dr. Weird''': The grant?! What is that?! :'''Steve''': Dyuhhh …. :''' Dr. Weird''': Shut up. Behold! The Rabbot! ''[The door lifts up and reveals Dr. Weird's monstrous fifty-foot Rabbot]'' :'''Steve''': But, Dr. Weird — :'''Dr. Weird''': Now bring me my large French perfume and spray him in the eyes, because that's how it happened to me! ''[The Rabbot's face is sprayed with a giant bottle of French perfume]'' Now you feel pretty, don't you? Wa, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! ''[The Rabbot hops out the door and toward the lab wall]'' The Rabbot! My creation! ''[The Rabbot smashes through the lab wall and Steve jumps out from behind his hiding spot behind the desk.]'' :'''Dr. Weird''': What has science doooone? :''[the Rabbot hops down the street and proceeds to jump on top of Carl's car, effectively destroying it.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl:''' '''''WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FREAKIN' CAR?!''''' :'''Master Shake''': Good morning, Carl. How's it goin'? :'''Carl''': Oh yeah, good mornin' to you there, Mr. Food Monster, this is how it's goin'. Look at my frickin' car. It is crushed...to bajesus and back. :'''Master Shake''': Have you gotten any estimates? :'''Carl''': Ah, for the love of--I just found it this way. :'''Master Shake''': Carl... :'''Carl''': I just walked out here, for frickin' sake! :'''Master Shake''': Hey Carl, its okay...it's cool man, I'm a detective. Clear the crime scene and let me think...meteors did it! That'll be $20. :'''Frylock''': Hey, Carl. :'''Carl''': Great, we got the Fryman up here. :'''Master Shake''': I have not called for you, Frylock. What are you doing here? :'''Frylock''': I ''live'' here. :'''Master Shake''': Well, quit hovering. ''I'' am the leader! :'''Frylock''': Man, your car is messed up! How are you going to get to work, Carl? :'''Carl''': I work out of the home. :'''Master Shake''': Frylock, send Carl to work, then we shall solve this mystery and make $20. :'''Carl''':I work out of the home. Do not point that fry thing at me. :'''Master Shake''': Quickly, Carl, the ray is upon you. Where do you work? :'''Carl''': I done told ya, I work out of the home! Now stop with the Freak Beam! :'''Master Shake''': Send Carl to the home then! :'''Frylock''': To the home! :'''Carl''': STAY OUT OF MY POOL!! ''[Frylock beams Carl up and drops him flat on his back on his roof]'' Ow, my hip! :'''Master Shake''': Okay, that'll be $20. :'''Frylock''': So, what now, Shake? :'''Master Shake''': We shall solve the mystery from Carl's pool! :'''Carl''':: OH, NO, DON'T GOT TO MY POOL!!! :'''Master Shake''': Goin' to the bank! <hr width=50%/> :''[in Carl's pool]'' :'''Frylock''': This is a fun pool. I do like splashing. :'''Master Shake''': Yes, playing is for pleasure. We should have a pool. Make us one from the sky. I command it. :'''Frylock''': ''[sarcasm]'' Yeah, yeah, I'll do that. :'''Master Shake''': Seriously, I do command it :'''Frylock''': I wonder who killed Carl's car. :'''Master Shake''': A car cannot be "killed"! It was murdered by someone who is jealous of Carl's ability to drive. JEALOUSY is the motivation! <hr width=50%/> :'''Schooly D''': Man everybody know meat don't sleep. <hr width=50%/> :''[Meatwad is dancing, before Master Shake jumps on Meatwad's boom-box and destroys it.]'' :'''Master Shake''': Dancing is forbidden! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Where are we going? :'''Master Shake''': Shut your deformed mouth Meatwad, before I NAIL it shut! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': The scent seems to be coming from that mall :'''Master Shake''': I know! :'''Meatwad''': All right! I want some jeans! :'''Master Shake''': (pushes past him) I'M the one who wants some jeans! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': How did you get back there?! That's for salespersons only. I want to get back there. Get me back there! :''[Meatwad changes shape into a bridge over the sales counter.]'' :'''Meatwad''': Here. Take the Meat Bridge! It's right here! :'''Master Shake''': Meat Bridge? No. :''[Master Shake smashes a hole in sales counter.]'' :'''Meatwad''': Fine. Don't take the Meat Bridge. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Well, as long as we don't go back to the lab. :'''Frylock''': I need to go back to the lab. :'''Master Shake''': God! That'll take a thousand hours! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Does it LOOK like I'm OK?! Stand back, and I shall destroy him! SHAKE POWER ACTIVATE! ''[Shake huffs and puffs and excretes a glob of milkshake onto the road]]'' Now come over here and slip on it, if you dare, rabbit! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': I have called this meeting to say that downtown is no longer safe. :''[Cut to the Rabbot who is still causing havoc in the city]'' :'''Master Shake''': So, in short, we need to pick some new restaurants and night clubs. :'''Carl''': GET OUTTA MY FRICKIN' POOL! ===Escape From Leprauchpolis=== <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen! I have created... this thing! :'''Steve''': What is it? :'''Dr Weird''': I don't know. Stand over here. :'''Steve''': Uh, you mean right here? ''(gets catapulted by a rainbow into the sky)'' :'''Dr. Weird''': It WORKS! ''I am one can short of a six pack''! Wha-ha-ha-ha-ha! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[in the pool for the first time]'' Master Shake said it would dissolve me and then I would get clogged in the filter and then beavers would come and eat me. But that hasn't happened yet! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Look, I have a brain! ''(pause)'' I just took it out so it wouldn't get wet! :'''Frylock''': Yeah, man. He took his brain out. It's cool! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': All right, I'm gonna give this "Rainbow" thing another five minutes, and if it don't show up quick, then I am goin' down to the store and gettin' a hot-rod magazine, 'cause they got the chicks with the boobs in there! :'''Flargan''': ''[looking at Carl through binoculars]'' Excellent, another victim falls prey to me brilliant e-mail plan. Soon we will have enough treasure to rule all of New Jersey. :'''Merle''': Flargan, he doesn't really look like he has any money...or a job, or a wallet. :'''Flargan''': Well I...I'm sure he has some decent tennis shoes. :'''Merle''': He doesn't even have pockets. Look, he's wearing sweatpants. :'''Flargan''': Dingle, engage the rainbow machine! :'''Dingle''': Feet! :''[Dingle turns on the machine]'' :'''Carl''': Yeah, here come the gold! Aw, look at this now, I don't see crap in there. I know this game. This is how they get you. :''[He gets sucked up in the rainbow, and lands flat on his back in the forest]'' :'''Flargan''': Yes, fat man, this IS how we get you! :'''Carl''': Hey there, where's the gold there? :'''Flargan''': Flip-flops? What is this!? :'''Merle''': What did I say? No money, no job, no taste. <hr width=50%/> :'''Merle''': ''[upon seeing Master Shake and Meatwad]'' What in the hell is that?! You know this whole plan is attractin' nothin' but a bunch of goobers. :'''Flargan''': What do their shoes look like? :'''Merle''': Seems kinda stupid doing this whole thing for shoes. :'''Flargan''': It's not just for shoes! It's...it's for... :'''Merle''': It's for what? This [[w:Bananarama|Bananarama]] tape with no case? We really scored big on that one, didn't we, buddy? <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': He told me to get in the freezer 'cause there was a carnival in there. There was no carnival! It was a damn freezer! I got freezer burn and I got mushed up against a chicken. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Let's go. They don't have nothin', it's like a flea market threw up in there. :'''Meatwad''': Look, a Bananarama tape! :'''Master Shake''': That's mine! Drop it where you are! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': You don't need a machine to make a rainbow, for rainbows are made of happy thoughts, and dreams, and chocolate unicorns, and gumdrops, and licorice sunsets, and fuzzy gumdrop bears, in Sugar-Covered Chocolate Gumdrop Land. :'''Master Shake''': No way in hell. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': All right! The ''real'' rainbow! I did it! I brought happiness and joy to us all! :''[a rainbow rips Carl's house off its foundation and flings it through the air.]'' :'''Master Shake''': Wow! :'''Carl''': Oh, good. :''[Awkward silence.]'' :'''Meatwad''': Well, I gotta go...see ya later. <hr width+50%/> ===Bus of the Undead=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen, behold: Mothmonst- ''(Mothmonsterman flies off)'' Oh no! Mothmonsterman, no! Come back! :'''Steve''': He has escaped. :'''Dr. Weird''': Yes, through the hole. ''[slips and falls]'' My banana! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Good morning, Carl! :'''Carl''': Yeah, it is a good morning there little man...''it's three in the morning!!!!!!!!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Look, all I know is that this cord here was plugged into my house, and your house was glowin' like the frickin' sun! So I put two and two together there hey, and decided that you're pissin' me off. :'''Master Shake''': We are truly sorry, Carl, and it will probably never happen again. Can we have our cord back? :'''Carl''': No, no there. I'm just gonna keep it there, since it's uh, mine anyways. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mothmonsterman''': Oh, hey, where you guys been? :'''Master Shake''': Memphis. :'''Mothmonsterman''': Really?! That's awesome. How was it? :'''Master Shake''': Oh, it was very nice. They light up the bridge. We had fried catfish. :'''Meatwad''': When did you have fried catfish? <hr width=50%/> :[''Frylock, Master Shake and Meatwad return home to find Carl tied up with silk, hanging from the ceiling''] :'''Frylock''': What have you done with him? :'''Mothmonsterman''': I just laid a thousand of my eggs inside his esophagus. You know, I need to propagate my species and, he's bein' a baby about it. :'''Frylock''': You know, we have a cloner. :'''Mothmonsterman''': Seriously? :[''Inside Frylock's office, a timer dings''] :'''Frylock''': Oh, no- the cloner! :'''Master Shake''': The brownies! :'''Meatwad''': My brownies! :[''Winged monsters, made from a mix of insect and brownie DNA, burst out of Frylock's office''] :'''Master Shake''': Run! To the pool! :[''Frylock, Master Shake and Meatwad run outside''] :'''Mothmonsterman''': Wait, you have a pool? [''Brownie monsters swarm the living room''] Oh, my God- :[''Out in the backyard''] :'''Frylock''': You put a brownie in my cloning device, didn't you? :'''Master Shake''': No! Yes. I don't know. Maybe! Look, that was six weeks ago! I locked the door; let 'em just duke it out. :'''Meatwad'''': You didn't lock the door, it was out in the yard...! :[''A huge swarm of brownie monsters attacks''] ===Mayhem of the Mooninites=== :'''Ignignokt''': ''(knocks on Carl's door)'' Hello, Carl. I am Ignignokt, and this is Err. :'''Err''': I am Err! :'''Ignignokt''': We are Mooninites from the inner core of the Moon. :'''Err''': You said it right! :'''Ignignokt''': Our race is hundreds of years beyond yours. :'''Err''': Man, do you hear what he's sayin'?! :'''Ignignokt''': Some would say that the Earth is our moon. :'''Err''': We're the moon. :'''Ignignokt''': But that would belittle the name of our moon... which is the Moon. :'''Err''': The point is, we're at the center. Not you! :'''Carl''': No, the real point is: I don't give a damn! ''(slams door)'' <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Your jambox is now his by way of our actions. :'''Master Shake''': Yes, Meatwad, with actions! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Err''': Shoot him the bird! :'''Ignignokt''': Yes, give him the finger. :'''Meatwad''': The finger? Like this? ''(turns into a hot-dog)'' :'''Ignignokt''': No. Not at all like that. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Err''': We smoke as we shoot the bird! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': You and your "third dimension." :'''Frylock''': Yeah? What about it? :'''Ignignokt''': Oh, nothing. It's cute. We have five. :'''Err''': Th-thousand. :'''Ignignokt''': Yes, five thousand. :'''Err''': Don't question it! :'''Frylock''': Oh yeah? Well, I only see two. :'''Ignignokt''': Well, that sounds like a personal problem. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Frylock''': I don't think Meatwad should be hanging around with these Moon people. :'''Master Shake''': I don't think I should be playing with these medium strings. I need light gauge if I'm gonna thrash! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Using keys to gouge expletives onto another's vehicle is a sign of trust and friendship. :''[Cut to Carl standing outside his house, looking at his vandalized car.]'' :'''Carl''': ''Who did this to my frickin' car!!??'' <hr width = 50% /> :'''Carl''': So maybe you be a good person to ask who wrote ''The Moon Rulez #1'', on my car, with a key! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Carl''': ''[Effortlessly dodging the Mooninites' shot]'' Nice shot there, Brick Out. ''[Unbeknownst to Carl, the shot rebounds off his house and back towards him]'' Now I want you jokers out of this- ''[The shot hits Carl and he phases out as he is transported to the moon]'' OH GOD! MY BACK! WHOOOAAAA... <hr width = 50% /> :''[Frylock has blown up the TV with his laser vision]'' :'''Ignignokt''': What was that? :'''Err''': Whoa! Did those just come out of your eyes? :'''Ignignokt''': They're primitive :'''Err''': Damn! Those are fast, man! :'''Ignignokt''': We are not impressed :'''Err''': Hey, wasn't that cool? <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': ''[Giving Frylock the finger from space]'' I hope he can see this because I'm doing it as hard as I can. <hr width+50% /> ===Balloonenstein=== :'''Carl''': Oh, sweet, sweet nectar. It's like my pool is tearin' ass around the backyard. But it's stayin' still. Still waters run deep! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Grab my potatoes, Carl! :'''Carl''': Sure, why not? <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': The real spaghetti got wet when I was boiling it so… it’s in the dryer! :'''Meatwad''':Why didn’t you say so! It's probably dry by now, so let's go get it. ''[saying as he gets into the dryer]'' Now remember, I like it spicy! :'''Shake''': Ha ha ha! So stupid! :'''Meatwad''': Hey, wait a second! Why's it spinnin'? :'''Schoolly D''': Come on, think about it, Meatwad! It's a dryer, man! Of course it's gonna spin! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Ooh. Damn! What dimension was that? Carl, your hands! :'''Carl''': Yeah, I know, I see 'em; they're very big. Well, it was fun. I'm gonna go take a nap now and then I think I'm gonna call, uh, some hospitals. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Shake, where is my popsicle? :'''Shake''': Please, wait a second... :'''Meatwad''': I require a popsicle every 15 minutes! You obviously did not read the memo! :'''Shake''': ''This'' is your memo? (''holds up a drawing'') I don't even know what this is! :'''Meatwad''': ''(zaps Shake)'' You sicken me with your lies. :'''Shake''': I'll make you some right away! :'''Meatwad''': "Make" me some? Please do not insult what little intelligence I have. I need it ''now''. :'''Shake''': Then I'll go to the store! Please sir! :'''Meatwad''': Yes you will. Now what is the magic word, '''''bitch'''''? :'''Shake''': PLEASE, let me go to the store and get popsicles for you! Thank you sire! :'''Meatwad''': That's right. ''(releases Shake; Shake runs out the door)'' You better run, boy! And bring back some chocolate syrup, too, or your fate is sealed! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Everybody hates me 'cause they die or get hurt. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Will this hurt 'im? :'''Frylock''': It shouldn't. :'''Master Shake''': Then ''why'' are we doing it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': ''[Chasing Meatwad with pencils]'' This is for shooting me in the roof and sending me to the store making me call you sire! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Go destroy Balloonenstein! :'''Meatwad''': Do what now? :'''Frylock''': Pop the balloon with the glass! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, yeah, okay. ''[long pause]'' Do what now? :'''Frylock''': Pop him with the glass! The glass in your head! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, yeah, I know. Don't yell at me! ''[pause]'' Do what now? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Damn it, he needs his brain. Otherwise he "just gonna float around forever sayin' "Do what now?" :'''Meatwad''': Do what now? :'''Master Shake''': Guess what? He's not gettin his brain back, because it is now the nerve center for the city of the future: LAS BRAINGELES! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''(now a 50 foot meatball, speaking in a booming voice)'' '''Where are my popsicles?!''' :'''Frylock''': Damn! :'''Master Shake''':''(scared)'' Is that you, God? :'''Meatwad''': '''Frylock, get away from the pool.''' :'''Frylock''': Aw, hell... ''(moves away from the pool)'' :'''Meatwad''': ''(leaps into the air)'' '''''CAN OPENER!!!!!!!!!!!''''' ===Space Conflict from Beyond Pluto=== :''(Trying to barbecue melons)'' :'''Emory''': How do want your melon? :'''Olgethorpe''': Emory, the melon's on fire! :'''Emory''': Well of course they're on fire. They're not made to be cooked. :'''Oglethorpe''': What do ''you'' know of fire? You prance around like you have laser eyes. You don't! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': I have an amazing plan to betray our new friend … hah-hah-hah! :'''Emory''': I thought the plan was to barbecue with him. :'''Oglethorpe''': Plans are for fools! When he gets here, we melt him … and laugh … on into the night! :'''Emory''': Why don't we just...talk to him and stuff? :'''Oglethorpe''': Why don't you shut up and let me do what I want for a change? <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Hey, hey, what is with all this interrogation? Let's toss the frisbee...over there ''[Points to the melting chamber]''...''WHERE WE WILL MELT YOU INTO FLUID!'' ''[begins stomping on the frisbee]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': We are on a top secret mission of world domination! :'''Frylock''': World domination? You guys couldn't take over a damn bowl of Jell-O! :'''Emory''': Hey, is that, like, an important place or something? :'''Oglethorpe''': ''[threateningly]'' Where is it? <hr width=50%/> :''[Frylock realizes that the Plutonians are complete idiots and wants to leave.]'' :'''Frylock''': Okay, look, which one of these buttons beams me out of here? :'''Oglethorpe''': Those buttons are red! You'll destroy us all! :''[Frylock pushes a button. Balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling and music plays.]'' :'''Emory''': All right, party time! :'''Oglethorpe''': Whose birthday is it? Someone gets a spanking! :''[Frylock pushes another button. Shake appears on the ship.]'' :'''Shake''': Hey, happy birthday! Hey, who's the lucky boy? :'''Frylock''': Shake, how did you get in this beam? :'''Shake''': Look, that beam came from space. You don't own space, so stop acting like you do. <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': You might be interested to know that we are just about to destroy your planet! :'''Master Shake''': Oh, go ahead, I'm not there, ah, it's fine. <hr width=50%/> :'''Emory''': You really think we need to blow up their planet? :'''Oglethorpe''': That's what I said, blow it up! Let's blow it up! :'''Emory''': Alright, fine. :''[Oglethorpe pushes a button. Balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling and music plays again.]'' :'''Emory''': ...Did it blow up, man? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': You cannot cut someone's lawn with matches, Meatwad! :'''Meatwad''': Look, I know that. You gotta have gasoline, otherwise how's it gonna spread to the street? :'''Carl''': ''(banging on the Aqua Teen's door)'' Open this damn door now! :'''Meatwad''': Oh, is he mad? Don't open it. :'''Carl''': I heard that! Open this door! <hr width=50%/> :''[the Plutonians have put Shake in the melting chamber.]'' :'''Emory''': Why isn't he melting? I mean, the beam's supposed to be on. :'''Oglethorpe''': Well, it's not! I'm looking right at it and it's not on. :'''Emory''': Maybe we need the remote. :'''Oglethorpe''': Well, maybe you shouldn't have run the melter through the VCR, Scheisskopf! :'''Emory''': Well, maybe it's 'cause you said "I want all meltings to be taped", even though you never watch 'em! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': '''''NOW, WHERE'S THAT DAMN REMOTE?!?!''''' <hr width=50%/> :''[Shake accidentally fires off an escape pod holding the Plutonians' remote control]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': What in the hell was that?! :'''Emory''': That was the, uh...escape pod. :'''Oglethorpe''': Damn it! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Stop pressing the buttons in there! :'''Shake''': This whole ship's a bunch of buttons! And I'm done with this Redbook, I was done with it the minute I saw it. And I'm hungry! :'''Oglethorpe''': You will eat what we say! :'''Emory''': You will eat ''when'' we say. That's right. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Uh, Shake... :'''Shake''': What do you want? :'''Frylock''': Carl is here... :'''Shake''': How did you get this--I'm not here! :''[At the Aqua Teens' house, Frylock, Carl, and Meatwad are watching Shake on the computer.]'' :'''Carl''': Oh, you're not there? :'''Shake''': Hello, Carl. :'''Carl''': Hey, buddy, how ya doin' there? Pizza Land, huh? That's lots of fun. Hey, uh, I wanted to let you know that '''''YOU BURNED MY FRICKIN' HOUSE DOWN!!!!!!!!!!''''' :'''Shake''': But the grass is gone--- :'''Carl''': Oh yea the grass is gone, just like how your face is gonna be gone after I '''SHOVE IT IN A PASTRAMI SLICER!!!''' <hr width=50%/> :''[Shake has asked for a new virtual environment. He appears in what appears to be a live-action park. He finds himself next to a horse.]'' :'''Female Computer Voice''': Welcome to this horse's anus. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[after Carl's house has burned down]'' Hey Carl, you want me to shampoo the rug? :'''Carl''': What's the frickin' point, Meatman? :'''Meatwad''': So you can give me some money. <hr width=50%/> :''[The Plutonians enact a plan to get rid of Shake]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, look over there! One hundred dollars! On the wing of the ship! :'''Shake''': ''[Shoves Oglethorpe out of the way]'' Oh, that's mine! I dropped it! Now where is it again? :'''Oglethorpe''': Right there. Do you see it? It's there. :'''Shake''': Why, this could be very dangerous. I...I should go. :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, would you? Please save us...from all the money. :''[Cut to Shake in a pod in space, looking for the money]'' :'''Shake''': Shake to ship! I'm still not seeing it! :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, you can't see it? Well, let me turn on the light for you! :''[the ship flies away, sending Shake spinning to Earth.]'' :'''Shake''': Wait! :'''Oglethorpe''': Jackass! <hr width=50%/> :''[Carl is holding a tire iron.]'' :'''Carl''': Hey, buddy! :'''Shake''': Hey, Carl! Hey! Lawn looks great! :'''Carl''': Likin' it? :'''Shake''': Why's your house all curled up? :'''Carl''': I don't know, I was hoping maybe we could have a little dialogue about that. :'''Shake''': Hey, that's a nice tire iron, Carl. Is that yours? :'''Carl''': Yeah, let me get in there and show you the finish on it. Up close. :''[Carl gets in the pod. The door closes.]'' :'''Carl''': Taste the chrome! :''[Carl proceeds to brutalize Shake. The pod falls over.]'' ===Ol' Drippy=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen, be- :'''Steve''': Uhh, you know, you can just call me Steve. I mean, there's no one else here. :''[The creature from the black lagoon suddenly appears behind Steve]'' :'''Steve''': Right? :'''Dr. Weird''': MY MIND! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': You ever hear of a refrigerator, or a frickin' trash can?! :'''Master Shake''': No. :'''Frylock''': You got three raw chickens in here on the floor! A dog wouldn't even take a crap in here! :'''Master Shake''': Look, just take the hose and lightly spray everything out the back door. :'''Frylock''': No, no ''MY ASS, YOU WILL!'' :'''Master Shake''': Drape a tarp over it. :'''Frylock''': Oh no you're not! You're gonna go to the damn store and get some cleaning supplies! :'''Meatwad''': What's goin' on? :'''Master Shake''': Look at this mess! Did you do this? ''[long pause]'' Fine, alright!. I'll do it, but it's my decision to do this, I declare it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Schooly D''': Yo, man. I think that mold is a-movin'. If it move one more time, I’m gettin' my gat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': This here's Vanessa. I know she looks like an apple, but she's actually a full-grown woman, and she fell in love with her boyfriend, Dewey, here, and they go off into outer space and then they... they get married. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''':(angrily enters the house) Where's Meatwad?! :'''Frylock:''' What're you doing with that gutter? :'''Master Shake:''' What're you doin' with that beard, huh? Answer that, scientist! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': My telescope! And you've ruined it! How will I ever see the stars again? :'''Meatwad''': This ain't no telescope, it's Dewey. He's an engineer, and he works on the Supertrain. :'''Master Shake''': He does what?! You've got mental problems. ''[Hits Meatwad repeatedly with gutter]'' Taste the chrome! :'''Ol' Drippy''': ''[walking in with the "doll"]'' What's it taste like? :'''Master Shake''': Your mother's... ''[sees Ol' Drippy for the first time]'' AAAHHHH, MONSTER!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Did you see a woman in a bikini with a six-pack of beer and a surfboard come in here? :'''Frylock''': Was it made of cardboard, used to be up at the liquor store? :'''Carl''': Uhh...no. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': You two-timin' bitch! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Ohhh, she smells like dead mushrooms and cheeseburger meat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ol' Drippy''': Idle hands spend time at the genitals, and you know how much God hates that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frylock has suggested that Shake be "polite"; Shake intentionally knocks Ol' Drippy's latte out of his "hand".]'' :'''Shake''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to knock that out of your hand, I don't know what came over me! There, was that polite enough for you, Frylock?! I'm apologizing to your best friend in the whole universe! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': Shake, what is wrong with you? :'''Master Shake''': What's wrong with ''you''? Hey, why don't you go kiss your new best friend, you love him so damn much! I'm the one who cleaned the kitchen. I'm the authority! :'''Carl''': ''[at the door]'' Someone wanna tell me why my pool is full of hotdog chunks and dirty dishes? :'''Master Shake''': Oh Carl, you didn't mess with it did ya? Cause it's gotta set up for a couple days with the battery. :'''Carl''': The battery? :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, you know, the one from your car. I dumped some shampoo in there too, but it's dog shampoo so I dunno if it's gonna work, but were prayin' like hell that it does. :'''Carl''': No, no, no, I understand, I understand. I'm just gonna go, I'll be back in a few. You uh, you think that the gun store is still open? :'''Ol' Drippy''': Carl, please, I'll take care of the mess. He means well, he's just a little... well, I'd better not say. :'''Master Shake''': What? I'm a little what? :'''Carl''': Thank you, Drippy. You are very well-mannered and very nice. ''[To Master Shake]'' And ''you'' oughta take lessons from him! :'''Frylock''': [agreeing with Carl] That's right! :'''Meatwad''': [agreeing with both Frylock and Carl] Yeah, Shake. That's right! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': Oh yeah, he's nice now, but don't come looking for me when he's burying your bodies out in the desert. <hr width+50%/> [Meatwad kicks out Shake] :'''Meatwad''': Well, get out of here! What are you waiting on? I’m gonna chase you outta here! [Sidewalk at night. Shake is in the rain] :'''Shake''':[Making a post-and-lintel structure out of sofa cushions] That’s good. Okay, that’s all right. That looks good. Hey, who says I couldn’t do this, huh?[Lightning strikes the sofa cushions apart] AAAAHHH! Let me in! Will you let me in, dammit! I mean, guys! Hey-hey! Somebody wanna let me in, please?[Frylock goes to open the door for Shake] :'''Frylock''': Well, Shake! I thought you moved. :'''Shake''': What?! I never said that! Who said that!?(He starts coughing) :'''Ol Drippy''': Oh my. You’re burning up. :'''Shake''': Yes, I’m very... sick.(He coughs some more) :'''Ol Drippy''': Frylock, he needs medical help. :'''Frylock''': He needs an ass-whooping is what he needs. :'''Ol Drippy''': There’s no time! Here Shake, eat my head! :'''Shake''': Here! Kiss my ass! Forget about it!! :'''Ol Drippy''': I’m serious. Coat me with ranch. Chase me with cheese if you must, I don’t care. It’s the only way. :'''Frylock''': Drippy, don’t! What are you doing? :'''Meatwad''': Don’t do that, that’s going to hurt you! :'''Ol Drippy''': I’m saving his life! I’m half penicillin! :'''Frylock''': Well, I have some penicillin in my lab if that’s what this is all about. :'''Ol Drippy''': Oh, really? Well then, just give him some of that man, I mean- :'''Shake''': No, wait. Now, hold on a minute, I- I kind of like the taste of your head. I mean, you said it was the only way, right?(coughs again) :'''Meatwad''': Where are you going, Drippy? I- I love you! :'''Ol Drippy''': I'm going away for a while, Meatwad. And I may never come back. But I'll always be here, inside. :'''Shake''': Yeah, in my stomach, baby. :'''Ol' Drippy''': Close your eyes, Meatwad. ''[Shake takes a big bite out of Ol' Drippy]'' AAH! :'''Shake''': Leave your eyes open, Meatwad. I wanna horrify you into a coma. <hr width+50%/> :''[Shake is eating fried chicken in the pool after Drippy got hit by a truck while saving his life]'' :'''Shake''': Look...he pushed me. :'''Fryock''': He pushed you out of the way of that truck. :'''Shake''': Listen...he's in a better place. :'''Frylock''': He's in the ''grill'' of the truck! :'''Meatwad''': He was my best friend. :'''Shake''': Ah, well then you should know something. When he was pushing me...he mentioned something about not liking you. :'''Frylock''': Ah, man. :'''Shake''': I clearly heard it. :'''Meatwad''': Did he really? :'''Shake''': That stuck out. :'''Meatwad''': Well...I guess I'll have one of those wings then. Gimme one. :'''Shake''': ''[Throws a wing towards Meatwad]'' Here, fetch. :'''Meatwad''': Where's the meat?! This is a bone! :'''Shake''': Go make a doll out of that! ===Revenge of the Mooninites=== :'''Meatwad''': How am I ever gonna win that ten speed? :'''Master Shake''': How are you ever gonna ride a ten speed with no frickin' legs?! You're just gonna bust the ass that you don't even have! Who bothered to spawn you...and ''why''?! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Fryman, we're full of religion. Everyone, please, bow your heads and pretend to be serious. :'''Err''': Do it or I'll bow 'em for ya! :''[Frylock throws the Mooninites out of the house]'' :'''Ignignokt''': You have deeply offended us and our god, and our god is a god of vengeance...and horror :'''Err''': And action! :'''Ignignokt''': Our god is an Indian that turns into a wolf :'''Err''': That's [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wolfen_(film) Wolfen], man. :'''Ignignokt''': Well...the Wolfen will come for you with his razor. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Meatwad''': I do not want to do anything illegal here, but I would kill somebody in front of their own mama to get a ten speed and if anybody testifies against me, I'll gouge their eyes out. :'''Err''': Let's go get drunk and rip off a ten speed! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, we'll get a basket and a horn on the handle. :'''Err''': Then we'll set it on fire and wreck it into children and laugh at their parents and then we'll...get on the... ohh man, I'm toasted! :'''Ignignokt''': The innocent shall suffer... big time. <hr width = 50% /> :''[Ignignokt shows Carl the Foreigner Belt]'' :'''Carl''': Wait a second...is that from the '83 tour? Yeah! I saw those guys in the Meadow Lands with Bryan Adams! That was a kickass show! I totally copped this feel off this passed out broad when they were playing ''Urgent''. Every time I hear ''Urgent'' on the radio I think of that girl's boobs and...covered in vomit. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Meatwad''': Oh, yeah baby! That's a neat car she's washin'! You think that's a straight six? :'''Err''': I think I ''have'' a straight six! :'''Ignignokt''': Ooh, Err, your sexual innuendo is priceless! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Torch the dresser, Meatwad. :'''Meatwad''': But, this is where Carl keeps his clothes. :'''Ignignokt''': Look, these women don't have any clothes and they're not complaining. :'''Err''': Yeah, man. They're kissin' each other! :'''Ignignokt''': And you want Carl to be forever kissed, don't you? :'''Meatwad''': Well, I guess so.. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Your neighbor Carl was gracious enough to let us rip him off and burn his furniture for no reason. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Carl''': I don't need no instructions to know how to rock! ===MC Pee Pants=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen, behold! My beautiful fiancée! :'''Steve''': Uh, I think that's a giant spider. :''[MC Pee Pants grabs Dr. Weird and starts to mangle him]'' :'''Dr. Weird''': You're right! I've been betrayed! Run! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''':'' [listening to Bach]'' Yeah, now listen to ''that'' beat. Now that's a kickin' glissando! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': I like beatings, I'll beat ya all day! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Hey, which one of you guys has been playin' "I Like Candy", for a ''frickin' week''?!?! :'''Frylock''': It was your other neighbor. :'''Shake''': Meatwad. :'''Carl''': You know what? At this point, it doesn't matter, 'cause it keeps runnin' inside my head and it won't leave unless I blow it out, with a bullet! :'''Master Shake''': ''[notices Carl's mouth is full]'' What you eating there, Carl? ''(walks over to him)'' You gonna show me some love? :'''Carl''': Jawbreakers. For some reason, I can't get enough of 'em. :'''Master Shake''': Is that why your teeth are blue? :'''Carl''': Uh... no. :'''Master Shake''': Oh. Uh... So, why are you... :'''Carl''': Shut up. ''[brief silence, then begins singing]'' I like candy, bubblegum and ta--''DAMN IT!!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Trick or treat, smell my meat...''[Carl shuts the door]]'' ...Ah, man. :'''Carl''': ''[Opens the door]'' Look, Meatman, what are you doing trick-or-treatin'?! It's frickin' May. :'''Meatwad''': Look, I need candy. Now, are you going to give me some, or are you going to lose some teeth? :'''Carl''': I know, I've only heard your little song a thousand times! Now I need candy and I don't know why. :'''Meatwad''': Shhh... I don't listen to that kiddie crap any more, I'm check'n the adult jams now, see, check it. MC Pee Pants don't just want candy now, that's childish, he ''needs'' it. And when you need something that's a responsibility, that only only an adult... of my maturity... bunnies! :'''Carl''': Yeah, I got a deal at the dumpster, I mean, warehouse. Yeah, you might want to wipe the juice off 'em. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': You know Meatwad and Carl have been hanging out quite a bit lately. :'''Shake''': What, you want 'em to stop? ''(yelling out the front door)'' Rape, rape, oh rape! :'''Frylock''': No, no, no, it's fine, it's fine, but don't think it's a little bit weird that they started washing the car at midnight...and they're still doing it? :'''Shake''': Look, people do things, it's a fact. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': Shake, did you hear this lyric? About drilling a hole straight to hell, and releasing demons to create a global diet pill pyramid scheme?! :'''Master Shake''': Eh, I don't know. All that rap is is clicks and whistles. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': 612 Wharf Avenue? I know where that is, that's the, uh, abandoned warehouse next to Melon Shakers...th-the Gentlemen's Club. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': I should not walk so a child may live. ''[pause]'' That's what it does. :'''Frylock''': Get up! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Why aren't your lips moving? :'''MC Pee Pants''': Look, my shniggys, I had a strizzoke in my brizzain, okay? You know what I'm sayin'? So I can't move all good. Thanks for bringing that up, thank you very much! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': You're all the things that are in this ad: you're energetic, hard-working, you like people— :'''MC Pee Pants''': No, I love the liquid ''inside'' people. How many times I gotta tell you this, man? I'm insane! I eat people-juice. No one's gonna hire a people-juice eater! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In hell]'' :'''MC Pee Pants''': Hey guys. Hey man, who's into rap yo? :'''Satan''': Now you listen to me scab! We listen to speed metal! :'''MC Pee Pants''': Hey man it's cool. ''[Satan blasts MC P Pants with fire]'' AAAHH! :'''Satan''': No, it isn't! ===Dumber Dolls=== :'''Dr Weird''': Gentleman, behold. My time space contin- ''[freezes]'' :'''Steve''': What? ''[long pause]'' Uhhh....Dr. Weird? ''[pushes over Dr. Weird, and he explodes]'' See you later have a good weekend! <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': ''[After running over Meatwad's toys with a lawnmower]'' Hey, your astronauts better watch where they land their ship next time, 'cause they might get ''overrun'' by the alien life form, hahaha! :'''Meatwad''': They don't use ships, they use rocket boots. :'''Shake''': They don't use nothin' now, do they? <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': No, no I don't have a firearm, I just got these...action bills. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Frylock, where are the pills? :'''Frylock''': Pills? What do you need pills for? :'''Meatwad''': Well, Happy-Time Harry needs 'em. He says that the pills make the phone calls go away. :'''Frylock''': ''[Writes on a post-it note]'' Alright Meatwad, this is a prescription from Dr. Frylock for Jolly Sunshine Happiness! :'''Meatwad''': Oh, you think this is a game?! They're gonna garnish his wages and how's he gonna pay child support then, huh? I'll tell ya, he ain't! <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Look man, all you had was root beer and triple sec. :'''Frylock''': I was gonna make margaritas with that! :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Ah man, you had tequila the whole time?! Well, where the...where is it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': ''[To Meatwad]'' Tomorrow I'm getting you a new doll with a sunnier attitude! :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Hey man, while you're there, you get me that Happy-Time Dialysis Machine. :'''Frylock''': Dialysis? :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Yeah. I had half my liver removed and I'm not supposed to drink, but...I do. <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Go ahead, man. Let's do this thing. :'''Master Shake''': I told you I'd do it, I'm gonna do it now. Hey Meatwad, look at this! ''[With Shake turned away, Harry pours gasoline over himself]'' Come to the window! Big time fun... you know what I mean? :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Okay dude, I just did all the prep work, now let's get it on! DO IT! :'''Master Shake''': Well.. shoot... I mean I was just going to sort of blow your jaw off with a firecracker or something.. I wasn't gonna.. I think I need to go pray. :''[Cut to Meatwad's room]'' :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Yo, that milkshake's got no guts, man. :'''Meatwad:''' You know, Happy-Time...Just being around you kinda makes me wanna die... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jiggle Billy:''' So... ''[dances]'' we jigglin' or- :'''Happy-Time Harry:''' Hey! Backwoods retard. Not now, not ever! :'''Jiggle Billy:''' Okay! Naptime! ''[dances]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry:''' You know, sometimes I like to take this knife and just...cut myself. ''[Chuckles]'' See how hard I can do it before I just...pass out, man. :'''Jiggle Billy:''' Shoo...well, uhh...commence the jigglin' y'all! <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Hey, check it out, man. You know why you came in that box, right? That's 'cause someone put you there...to die. :'''Jiggle Billy''': That ain't true now. I...I got me these night-vision goggles ''[Puts the goggles on]'' :'''Happy-Time Harry''': ''[Knocks the goggles off]'' For what? You're a hillbilly! You don't even know who you are, do you? Look at you, you're a clown. You're a joke. :'''Jiggle Billy''': ''[Pathetically]'' I don't know why I have these goggles. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock:''' You’re gonna chuck him off a cliff? Shake, we could have chucked him off the roof and stayed at home. :'''Master Shake:''' No, This is a magic cliff here, like in The [[w:Highlander_(film)|Highlander]]. So, you will become The Highlander, and you’ll roam the earth forever, trying to kill yourself, but you wouldn’t be able to, because you’ll be…immortal. Won’t that suck, little man? [laughs] :'''Meatwad:''' Well actually, That sounds kinda cool. :'''Master Shake:''' Yeah, it does. :'''Meatwad:''' Then I’m gonna do it. :'''Master Shake:''' NO, YOU’RE NOT! I’m doing it! :'''Frylock:''' Shake, Wait! The Highlander was just a movie. I mean- :'''Master Shake:''' Oh Frylock, The Highlander was a documentary, and the events happen in real time. :'''Meatwad:''' So, this cliff is magic? :'''Master Shake:''' Oh yeah, Big time. :'''Meatwad:''' I’m doing it now. :'''Happy-Time Harry''': No man, Look you gotta be born a Highlander, You can’t just…become one. :'''Frylock:''' See, he saw the movie too. :'''Meatwad:''' You know, that’s right. :'''Master Shake:''' I know, I saw cliffs, Okay. And there’s lots of magic everywhere…And Mel Gibson. :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Uhh, [[w:Braveheart|Braveheart]]? Hello? :'''Master Shake:''' Oh, You think you’re the expert? Lets see how much your ass know about FLYING! [throws Happy-Time off a cliff.] Yeah! that’s what I’m talking about. :'''Frylock:''' You done? Because that took forever... :'''Master Shake:''' I am-Well I am foreverrr.....I AM IMMORTAL!!! :'''Frylock:''' Shake, No! ''[Master Shake jumps off the cliff, his straw clinging to a branch]'' :'''Master Shake:''' Damn branch…Wait! I'm not immortal here, Okay? :'''Frylock:''' Hang on Shake, we'll call for help! :'''Meatwad:''' No, tell him to let go. :'''Master Shake:''' Yeah, Hurry! I think that the branch will hold for... ''[branch breaks]'' IT'S NOT HOLDING!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': (Floating in the pool with Meatwad) So, I guess the Highlander comes out of traction today. :'''Meatwad''': Well, I hoped they fixed his eyes. They got messed up pretty bad in that fall. :'''Frylock''': Well, the doctors gave him some hard plastic replacements, So don't stare at them, Okay? He’s real self conscious about it. :'''Meatwad:''' Okay. :'''Shake''': (comes in on wheelchair with large eyes) Alas, I return. :'''Frylock''': Oh! There you are! :'''Master Shake:''' Where are you? :'''Meatwad''': Dang! What happened to your eyes?! They look weird. :'''Frylock''': Shhh! :'''Shake''': Oh, shut up! “There can be, only one!” (Lifts up a sword and lightning strikes it, and then he drops it and falls out of the chair and is set on fire). :'''Meatwad''': We grillin' tonight. ===Bad Replicant=== :''[Dr. Weird is hanging upside-down.]'' :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen! Chop off my head with such velocity that my blood will rocket through my neck, and propel my lifeless body, all the way to Phoenix! :'''Steve''': Wow. Uh, what's in Phoenix? :'''Dr. Weird''': Why, it's your mama, Steve! Get the axe! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Look at it [the Earth] out there. Orbiting like it's so cool. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Look at him and tell me there's a God. :'''Meatwad''': He made me in His own image. :'''Master Shake''': Oh, yeah, God's a big meatball, I forgot. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha. :'''Meatwad''': He is. :'''Master Shake''': Does he stink like you do? <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, that's right. And he ain't my best friend, neither. He yells at me and scares me and locks me in the attic, and pours liquid on my head that stink, and freeze me with the fire extinguisher, and a whole bunch of other stuff I can't remember 'cause he shocked me in the head with a car battery. ''[pause]'' With a bunch of clamps, and sparks, and ... <hr width=50%/> :'''Emory''': Yeah, hey Oglethorpe, do you remember this guy [Shake]? :'''Oglethorpe''': I'm starting to. :'''Emory''': And how annoying he was. :'''Oglethorpe''': Yes, and how he scoffed at our magazines! :'''Emory''': So, uh, what were we gonna do with him? :'''Ogletorpe''': ...We shall use him for the armies ... of the night! :'''Emory''': But I thought the guy down there was going to build an army ... of the night. :'''Oglethorpe''': Different army dorkface! This army will take over the rest of the galaxy! You see how my mind works? It's like a laser! :'''Shake''': You know, I know you from somewere. :'''Oglethorpe''': He must not know who we are. Quick, paint the Mind Room! :'''Emory''': Uh, I'm still not done with the trim on that. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Oh, you're ki — Meatwad, it's not polite to stare. :'''Meatwad''': But, look at him. :'''Major Shake''': No, it's okay, I know. I'm totally, hideous. :'''Meatwad''': No i-it's cool, I was just wondering if that jambox worked, you know. Shake threw mine in a cobra cage, and dared me to go get it, and that's why I'm all puffy back here. <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, well son of a … imprison him within the rings! :''[Disco light rings come down around Shake.]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': You'll never move from that spot again, unless you like being cut in half! :''[The phone rings. Shake reaches through the rings to answer it.]'' :'''Master Shake''': Yelloo? :'''Oglethorpe''': The laser rings! :'''Master Shake''': Look, brother, these ain't nothin but disco lights. :'''Emory''': No, the installer said that they were imprison laser rings, and I, I believed him. :'''Oglethorpe''': Don't listen to him, for he is a witch! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Look, look, settle down, can you just maybe try and replicate some other people, and get an army going and then take over the entire planet. :'''Emory''': Or is that not possible. :'''Major Shake''': Well I don't know, I don't think I can replicate others, was that your plan? :'''Oglethorpe''': Well, one of them. We have many plans. :'''Major Shake''': Well maybe your next plan should be to tell me what the plan is. :'''Oglethorpe''': Look, settle down. It's all cool. :'''Major Shake''': No. No. Look at me dude. I'm a leaky, disgusting, abomination and I'm not going to do it anymore. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Did they not see us sitting here? :'''Major Shake''': No, I'm sure it'll come to them. :''(On the ship)'' :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, damn it! :'''Emory''': What? :'''Oglethorpe''': That was that man, the fry-man! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': So, is he like replicating it? :'''Frylock''': No, he's hotwiring it. :'''Meatwad''': Oh, shoot I was hoping I'd learn something. Science is a mystery to man, isn't it Frylock? :'''Frylock''': Yeah it sure is Meatwad... :'''Meatwad''': Like how we all evolved from the ancient dinosaur. I wish I had some of their stuff boy. Like them tail. Them tails that make 'em fly. :'''Frylock''': Shut up, Damn! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': So, did they, um … ever find your car? :'''Carl''': Oh, they found part of it, you know, hang'n from a trestle near the turnpike. Yeah the cops said he had a … a "straw-like protrusion" and a "cup-like body." You know anybody like 'at? :'''Frylock''': Uh, well, it wasn't Shake, Carl. He was abducted by aliens earlier this afternoon. :'''Carl''': Oh, I knew that. Yeah, of course. :'''Frylock''': He was … seriously. :'''Carl''': I hate you! <hr width=50%/> :'''Emory''': So, what are we gonna do with the prisoner? :'''Oglethorpe''': We shall ask the mighty Orbnauticus. :''[A disco ball comes down from the ceiling.]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': Orbnauticus, we seek wisdom. To what evil purpose shall we put our slave to use? <hr width+50%/> ===Circus=== :'''Shake''': Meatwad, get in this bag! :'''Frylock''': What?! :'''Shake''': What? I got airholes... it's a joke, it'a joke, ha ha, don't get in that bag, you little meat. :''[cut to Shake and Meatwad in an alley]'' :'''Shake''': Now you stay in that bag! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': So is this where the camp is? :'''Shake''': Yes, now gimme a hug. But, keep the bag on, okay? :'''Meatwad''': Smells like vomit. :'''Shake''': Shut up! The counselor is about the counsel you, and he will send you right back home if you talk and you'll never learn RAM! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Okay Shake, see you in a week. :'''Shake''': Yeah, I'll see you in a week. In hell! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Hey Randy, I don't know what's going on, but can I trade bunks? 'Cause my roommate's...wha- are those his organs? :'''Randy''': Oh that's Inside-Out Boy. His mouth is in his belly, so he's gotta slap at his vocal chords with his bladder in order to make words. :'''Meatwad''': ...I-I-I don't like this camp. Can I go home now? :'''Randy''': GROW INTO A MOUNTAIN DAMNIT! Terrify me! :'''Meatwad''': Now see, I don't do that but I can do this (turns into a hotdog) and this. (turns into a igloo) Ta-da! :'''Randy''': Ripped off again. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Hey, where's Meat Mountain there? :'''Frylock''': You mean Meatwad. :'''Carl''': Oh no, they were callin' 'im Meat Mountain last night. :'''Shake''': Okay, I'm gonna go. :'''Frylock''': You're not going anywhere Shake. :'''Carl''': Yeah, ya gotta come check this out man. Igloo, hot dog, igloo, that bit. But the whole time the stripper's shakin' it in front of 'im. :'''Frylock''': My goodness! Where was this?! :'''Carl''': The warehouse in front of Girls For You, you know, the lingerie modeling place. :'''Frylock''': Uh, no, I don't know Carl. :'''Carl''': Well-ell, twenty bucks, twenty minutes. I'm tellin' ya, one Friday night, you and me Fry-man, blow the lid off the joint! Yeah-heh! :'''Frylock''': I don't think so Carl. :'''Carl''': What, you gay? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': You sold Meatwad to the circus, didn't you?! :'''Shake''': Every day I buy and sell people like you! But no, I did not do that. But based on what I'm hearing here, someone may have. :'''Frylock''': How much, Shake? :'''Shake''': Two. :'''Frylock''': Two? Two what? :'''Shake''': Two dollars. What? What's wrong with that? :''[cut to Shake, Frylock, and Carl at the circus, where Shake sees the price of admission]'' :'''Shake''': Two dollars and fifty cents! Are they out of their minds?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Look, I don't work my ass off for twenty hours a week so I can throw my money away, that's wasteful! These bills are strictly for me to kiss...and slip in some stripper's underwear, so come on! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Wow, the crowd is really getting off on this. :'''Carl''': Well, that's great. I'm so happy for 'em. Where are the strippers?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Yeah, you the supervisor? Where were the strippers? :'''Randy''': Didn't need 'em. Meat Mountain pulls in the crowd all by himself. :'''Carl''': Well you give me back my $2.50, 'cause I ain't payin' for something that happens every day on the hood of my car! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Randy, he ''[Shake]'' ain't from space. :'''Randy''': Yeah, I know little guy, cause I'm the prince of Jupiter. :'''Meatwad''': You never told me that. :'''Randy''': See, years ago my dad sent me down here to conquer your species by ''infiltrating'' your gene pool, know what I mean? ''[chuckles]'' Know what I mean? :'''Meatwad''': No :'''Randy''': Well...when a man and woman love each other...physically...outside of a bar. :'''Meatwad''': Which bar? <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Listen to me Randy, it doesn't matter if you're white, or black, or a sasquatch even. As long as you follow your dreams, no matter how crazy or against the law it is. Except for sasquatch, if you're a sasquatch the rules are different. :'''Randy''': Forget it Meatwad, I'm a circus freak, and that's all I'll ever be. :'''Meatwad''': ...Whatever. <hr width=50%/> :''[Shake comes disguised As Meatwad]'' :'''Shake''': Hey, look at me! I'm stupid as hell, I can't even breathe properly, let alone read! What's that? :'''Randy''': And now.. the Amazing Arctic Igloo! :'''Shake''': What?! :'''Frylock''': Yeah, turn into that Igloo! :'''Carl''': Take your top off!! :'''Frylock''': Carl... :'''Randy''': Yeah..so..where is that, Milkshake? :'''Shake''': Well I uh.. ''(takes off his costume and shows it's really him in disguise with hair under his eyes)'' Look it's the Amazing Milkshake with the Bearded Eyes!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': And I'll tell you something else Frylock, I did not see one computer in that whole camp. :'''Frylock''': Yeah, yeah. Say, have you noticed that Indian burial ground that's coming up through our drain again? :'''Meatwad''': Nah, that's Inside-out Boy. He just needs a place to stay for a few days. :'''Shake''': Whoo, I just ate a whole bathtub full of cherry cobbler. It was delicious. :'''Meatwad''': ...You're joking, right? :'''Shake''': No, I'm not. :'''Meatwad''': ...NOOOOOOOOO!!! <hr width+50%/> ===Love Mummy=== <hr width=50%/> :''[Mummy is yelling in the basement]'' :'''Frylock''': Shake? ''[Yelling Continues]'' Shake! Turn those damn monster movies down-- ''[Notices nobody in the living room]'' Shake? :''[Master Shake and Meatwad enter living room]'' :'''Master Shake''': Who's watching my TV? Because I... :'''Meatwad''': I bought the damn TV! :'''Frylock''': Will you two shut up and listen? ''[Yelling Continues]'' It sounds like it's coming from the floor. :'''Master Shake''': ''[beats the floor with a broomstick]'' Will you SHUT UP?! You hear me?! It's three o'clock in the morning and I need to sleep! ''[Frylock knocks him out with chloroform]'' :'''Meatwad''': Hey, can I have some of that? :'''Frylock''': Just go to sleep and we'll deal with it in the morning. :'''Meatwad''': Yeah sure, I'll just go to sleep and tomorrow morning I'm gonna call me a social worker. ''[Frylock prepares a dose of chloroform]'' And tell him I'm in unfit living conditions and the city will be over here so fast tha-- oh. ''[Knocked out by chloroform]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': No, here's a better idea: Hell no. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Why does he get a lobster? :'''Frylock''': 'Cause he's the mummy, damn it! Now shut up! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Do you know what time it is, huh? It's 2:30 in the afternoon, and people are trying to sleep. ''[Notices the mummy]'' Whose mummy? :'''Frylock''': I found it in the crawlspace. :'''Master Shake''': So you were the one doing all the moaning when I was trying to sleep, huh? :''[Mummy giggles]'' :'''Master Shake''': Shake, you don't wanna piss him off. He has the power to curse you. :'''Meatwad''': Do it, Shake. Piss him off. :'''Master Shake''': I'll do what I want, when I want, and how I want, and no mummy— you hear me, Band-Aid... :'''Meatwad''': Here it comes. :'''Master Shake''': No mummy is gonna tell me what to do. :'''Mummy''': '''Curse! Curse! CURSE!''' :'''Meatwad''': Oh, damn. :'''Master Shake''': You done? We all done... :'''Mummy''': '''CURSE!''' :'''Master Shake''': Now are you done? :'''Mummy''': Yes. :'''Master Shake''': Cause I'm done listening to you. I got a curse for you. It's called, "tomorrow morning, your ass is outta here." I'm going back to bed! :'''Mummy''': Curse. :'''Master Shake''': I heard it already! I know! It's a friggin' curse! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Shake, I think he may have cursed you. :'''Master Shake''': ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, je-ya think? Cuz, I mean, he only said it about a thousand times! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': (reading) "The curse of the mummy is just a figure of speech. Vomiting locusts for a thousand years is just an old wives tale. The ''real'' curse of the mummy is that he is completely socially inept, devoid of all manners, gold-digging, manipulative, and a selfish brat. Don't ever wake him unless you have a lot of time and money on your hands. Thank you for buying ''Mummies for Dummies''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': ''[Wearing the Mummy's Hat]'' I'm the King! King Carl! :'''Mummy''': ''[Yelling in the Background]'' :'''Carl''': ''[Mimicing Egyptian Music]'' Da da da da daaa, you know I'm your ruler! :'''Mummy''': CURSE! CUUURSE! :'''Carl''': Huh hun huh hee, yeah ''[Mummy continuing to yell]'' SHUT UP! <hr width+50%/> ===Dumber Days=== :'''Meatwad''': Shoot, I'm so dumb as hell I'll never get hired in today's fast-paced world. I'm just gonna go inside and wait for my body to die. :'''Schoolly D''': ''[Narrating]'' Aw, c'mon Meatwad, you can't be that dumb. :''[Pan to Meatwad inside Carl's bedroom]'' :'''Meatwad''': What, is this not my room? :'''Carl''': What do you think? :'''Meatwad''': ......Yes? :''[Carl throws Meatwad out the window]'' :'''Schoolly D''': Well, damn. Maybe Meatwad ''is'' that dumb. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Wait a second. This ain't no brain, this is a damn bee's nest. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': A book?! No sir! Shake says that books is from the devil, and that TV is twice as fast. :'''Frylock''': Twice as fast at what? :'''Meatwad''': Information. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[Reading from ''"The Tiniest Bullfrog"'']'' Jeremy the Bullfrog lived in a tiny swamp on the edge of town. Every day he would dream of playing professional basketball. But he lived in a swamp, far away from the city lights and a major market team. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': One look at Niels Bohr's atomic model makes it abundantly clear that there is a way to pass through solid matter. So in summation, we can have our daily tea-party in the fifth dimension. :'''Frylock''': Knock-knock. Well, I hope I'm--OH MY GOD! :''[Meatwad is about 10-15 times his usual size]'' :'''Meatwad''': Frylock, what a pleasant surprise. I'm just finishing up my symposium. You've met my colleagues, Professor Vanessa and Dr. Dewey. :'''Frylock''': Yeah, what happened to your body, man?! :'''Meatwad''': Well, it's obvious, isn't it? Thermal expansion. :'''Frylock''': No, it's not thermal expansion. I know what thermal expansion is. :'''Meatwad''': Okay, fine, I'm sure that you do. Let's see.. how can I explain this without blowing your mind. :'''Frylock''': Oh yes, please. Dumb it down for me. :'''Meatwad''': Heisenburg's Uncertainty Principle tells us that at a specific curvature of space, knowledge can be transferred into energy-- :'''Frylock''': Heisenburg's Uncertainty--! :'''Meatwad''': ...and this is key now...matter. :'''Frylock''': No it does not! :'''Meatwad''': Well, some people struggle with Heisenburg. ''[pulls out a yo-yo]'' Look, here's a toy. It goes up and down on a string. Doesn't that look like fun? :'''Frylock''': ''[knocks yo-yo away]'' Get that out of my face! :'''Meatwad''': Why don't you take that into the other room while the adults are doing important research here. :'''Frylock''': Oh, I'm sorry Professor! I didn't realize knowledge could also transform you into an arrogant ass! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[levitating a boy in a car with his mind]'' Quiet! I need complete concentration or the child will die. <hr width=50%/> :''[Carl's car crashes on his roof]'' :'''Carl''': Ohh, do not tell me that that is my car up there on the roof! :'''Meatwad''': Okay, we won't. :'''Carl''': Get it down! :'''Meatwad''': Okay. :'''Carl''': Wait, wait no don't! ''[car crashes to the ground]'' DAMMIT! ===Interfection=== <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr Weird''': ''(his head has shrunk and speaking in a high pitch voice)'' GENTLEMEN! TURN IT ON! :'''Steve''': Okay. ''(pushes a button to pump Dr Weird's head)'' :'''Dr Weird''' ''(head gets bigger and bigger)'' ''TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Plaque is a figment of the liberal media and the dental industry to scare you into buying useless appliances and pastes. Now, I've read the arguments on both sides, and I haven't found any evidence yet to support the need to brush your teeth. ''Ever.'' :'''Meatwad''': I don't know how you'd know; you ain't got no teeth. :'''Master Shake''': Well, I got rid of my teeth at a young age, because...I'm straight. Teeth are for gay people. That's why fairies come and get 'em. :'''Meatwad''': If teeth make me gay then sign me up, 'cause I wish I had 'em. <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': Computer, search for teeth and plaque conspiracy ''(pause),'' and Metallica. :'''Meatwad''': And Justin Timberlake. ''[Shake ignores him]'' Do a search for Justin Timberlake. ''[Shake continues to ignore him]'' ... J-U-S-- :'''Shake''': Please hush up. The search needs complete silence to work. :'''Meatwad''': Oh shoot, I forgot. I'm sorry. :'''Master Shake''': Well, I'm sorry, but if ''you'' can't learn that little lesson, then someone's going to get their little mouth stabbed shut with skewers! And then we'll see how easily the axe slices through the meat! :''[Meatwad's eyes get big, then he starts bawling.]'' :'''Master Shake''': All right, okay. Maybe that was a little huge. Listen, I would never hit you with an axe... :''[Meatwad's sobs subside as he pauses for a second and looks up at Master Shake]'' :'''Master Shake''': ...when you had skewers stabbed through your mouth. :''[Meatwad immediately resumes crying.]'' :'''Master Shake''': I would think one or the other would be enough. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': All right! Five point nine percent over APR! You don't get that every day! :'''Master Shake''': Are you kidding?! With APR like that I could just die! <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that I was in the Supreme frickin' Court here! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah. Neither did I. :'''Shake''': Should I have my lawyer present for my frickin' trial?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Is it hot, girl-on-girl action? <hr width=50%/> :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': It's so easy to use, and the surgery to implant it in the base of your skull is so painless, it's no wonder I'm #1! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': [appears on a monitor] Hello there, Internet Cyberville. Hey, if your watching this right now, I'm running outta oxygen and I seriously need to get to my bathroom, WHICH IS CURRENTLY BEING BLOCKED BY SOME STUPID ASS HIT-THE-MONKEY THING! [pop-up falls on Carl's fingers cutting them] Oh god! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Hey listen, could you get me some chicks that ''don't'' have the ZZ Top Lumberjack look? If I wanted to date Sasquatch, I'd call your mother. Ha-ha! <hr width=50%/> :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': But the skull implant comes in this decorative tin. :'''Frylock''': Decorate ''this!'' ''[uses eye lasers to blow up pop-up ad for the tin]'' :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': Okay, okay, okay, okay! Fine! Fine. Don't use our service. Get left in the digital dust! But remember, you could have won a Porsche. <hr width=50%/> :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': And after this 90-day trial, you will be judged and sentenced to a lifetime of interactive sports, news, and information. And we will continue to draw from your account, because banks don't care. It's not their money. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': I'm tired of livin' in this tree, now. How long till we gonna go home? :'''Frylock''': Two more weeks. :'''Meatwad''': TWO MORE WEEKS?! :'''Frylock''': Shut up and eat your squirrel meat! :'''Shake''': Squirrel meat, bleh. :''[Pop up ads begin to appear as the Wwwyzzerdd cackles in the background]'' :'''Shake''': What? I got wireless. ''[Hits an ad]'' What? ===PDA=== :'''Shake''': Someone stole my PDA, and I will ruin this house with my anger! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': Look Shake, people usually get a PDA when they have a job, and friends, and a life! :'''Shake''': Look, you, you, you happen to have no idea what I do for a living do you? :'''Frylock''': You're damn right I don't! I saw you boil a hot dog today. Did you get paid for that?! :'''Shake''': Because I don't have access to my scheduling book, because my PDA's gone! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': Wha, oh come on! We're lookin' for my thing, together, we're like buds, it's cool. Hey, you fly. You go, why don't you go check the gutters. :'''Frylock''': But, why would it be up in the gutters, Shake? :'''Shake''': That's where your DVD burner ended up, when it decided not to work. :'''Frylock''': Oh, I ''damn'' sure better not find that up there! :'''Master Shake''': Well, that's the last place I remember chucking it. :''[Frylock flies to the roof.]'' :'''Frylock''': ''[yelling]'' Hey! Dammit! You did throw my DVD burner up here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': I have some parents, Frylock? :'''Frylock''': Hell no, you don't have any damn parents! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': This is your captain speaking and welcome to the glass-bottom boat ride at the world famous Trenton Tar Pits. I just wanna let you all know I'm a convicted sex offender. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Tar, well, I tell ya if I wanna smell like a shingle, I go get my frisbee and my tanktop and my [[w:Captain EO|Captain EO]] out of the gutter. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': There ain't nothin' down here but tar and a condom wrapper! This is gross! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': All right, and I'm back, ladies and gentlemen. They won't be bothering us anymore. I chased them off with my nudity...does that arouse anyone down there, or... :'''Meatwad''': What does that mean? :'''Frylock''': It means that we're gonna get off this boat right now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': Okay, and we've docked...and I feel a little sexy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': Who down there wants to meet the captain? And feel sexy with him. :'''Meatwad''': Oooh, I do, I wanna meet the captain! :'''Frylock''': No, you don't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': Ah, jee whiz! This is the greatest gift I ever got in my life that I never wanted ever! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Romulox''': Oh, I didn't see your knock-offs there, nice. Are you goin' for the ironic look, or the look-I-don't-have-any-money look? :'''Shake''': I don't know, which one would you do? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': What's wrong with your elbow? :'''Romulox''': Oh, you didn't get that surgery. I'm sorry. :'''Meatwad''': We don't have insurance. :'''Romulox''': Only two people have the easy-flow elbow, and one of them happens to be named [[w:Bruce Willis|Bruce Willis]]. <hr width+50%/> ===Mail Order Bride=== :'''Frylock''': Santa's coming tonight Meatwad, so I really need your Christmas list— :'''Meatwad''': Here. :'''Frylock''': …and if you've been a good boy this year, you may just get this…this L-shaped thing. :'''Meatwad''': No, see, what that is, is a hair dryer. :'''Frylock''': You want a hair dryer? :'''Meatwad''': Yeah. :'''Frylock''': For what? You don't have any- :'''Meatwad''': Keep reading, next to the hair dryer. :'''Frylock''': This—this is a squiggle. :'''Meatwad''': No, that's hair. You read it backwards, fool. So go get it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Oh, man. I cannot wait. I got the oils, the candles, the works! When does that babe get here? :'''Master Shake''': Carl, don't refer to her as a "babe", please. She is a Chechnyan prostitute, and you will address her as such. :'''Carl''': Look, just don't cash that check immediately. I wanna make sure that both of us marryin' her is gonna be, you know, legal. :'''Master Shake''': Of course it is! What are you kidding me? Santa Claus ain't legal and he's around. :'''Carl''': Well, I guess that makes sense, you know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': Look merry, dammit! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Shoo, that sure was a good sleep I had. WHERE ARE THE DAMN PRESENTS?! :'''Frylock''': It's 4:00 in the afternoon Meatwad, that wasn't Santa. :'''Meatwad''': Well, you know, maybe Santa's just gettin' a jump start on things this year. 'Cause, you know, statistics they show that there are more people in the world today. That's China's fault. :'''Frylock''': Where do you get this information? :'''Meatwad''': Regis. <hr width="50%"/> :''[on a ladder]'' :'''Carl''': Look, would you just hold it with your hands?! :'''Master Shake''': I can do two things at the same time, chubby. :'''Carl''': No, ya can't! :'''Master Shake''': ''[reading a magazine to himself]'' Huey Lewis making a comeback! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Carl has broken his neck.]'' :'''Carl''': Hey, get back here! I think I need some help here! :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, I know you do. :''[Master Shake walks away.]'' :'''Carl''': Get back here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': Well, there ain't gonna be no dinner this year. :'''Frylock''': What about your girlfriend. I thought she was gonna cook. :'''Master Shake''': "Co-fiancee." Let's get it right, please. :'''Frylock''': "Co-"? :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, you know, I'll split her with Carl. So he's "co-owner." :'''Frylock''': You're depraved. :'''Master Shake''': Yes, thank you, I think she sees that quality in me. But that damn Carl is so Selfish. :'''Meatwad''': Carl should remember the reason for the season. :'''Master Shake''': The reason for the season is pleasin and I ain't gettin much pleasin and Carl better get his ass with the program. :'''Carl''': Get with what program, Cup? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Hey fry-man, you think I can get you to come over here and uh, blow a frickin' hole in my wall? :'''Frylock''': What's wrong, Carl? :'''Carl''': Well, for starters, she's barricaded herself inside the house. And every time she talks to me, it's in this, like, language. It's like some demon yelling at me, or something! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Schoolly D''': Santa Claus got barbeque sauce in his drawers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Okay, I'm awake. Let's, uh, friggin go get married. :'''Meatwad''': Oh Good! :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, brotha! :'''Carl''': Let's get married, yeah! :''[at Carl's house]'' :'''Frylock''': And do you, Svetlana... what does this say? :'''Carl''': Look, just say Smith or Jones or something... there's no way you can pronounce that right. :'''Frylock''': Svetlana Smith take Carl... :'''Carl''': Just say Smith again, it don't matter... none of this matters. :'''Frylock''': ...Smith to be your lawfully wedded husband... :'''Master Shake''': Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! :'''Frylock''': ...to honor... :'''Master Shake''': Back up! Rewind! :'''Frylock''': ...take Carl, and Master Shake... :'''Master Shake''': That's more like it. :'''Frylock''': to be your lawfully wedded husbands as long as you three shall live. :'''Svetlana''': ''[speaking Russian, from inside Carl's house]'' :'''Carl''': Alright, yeah! :'''Master Shake''': Alright, score! :'''Carl''': Sweet nectar! :'''Frylock''': Okay, now shove the ring under the door. :'''Master Shake''': No, we're not doing the ring, I'm not gettin' roped into all that. :'''Frylock''': How can you not have a ring? :'''Master Shake''': No, it ends here. I haven't seen food once since she's shown up. :'''Carl''': He's right, let's do this thing - light this candle. :'''Frylock''': By the power invested in me by the state of New Jersey I now pronounce you men and wife. You may now kiss the door. :'''Master Shake''': Blow it open Frylock. :'''Carl''': Do it! :'''Svetlana''': [speaking Russian; escapes] :'''Carl''': Svetlana, baby? :'''Master Shake''': Great! Great! :'''Carl''': Oh Man! She got the car. :'''Meatwad''': Well technically, it's half hers now, right? Or a third, I don't know. :'''George''': Introducing the new Misters and Mrs. Bertwoski! :'''Carl''': It's Brutananadilewski! And you get the hell out of here! :'''Master Shake''': No way, you are staying! We got him til two. <hr width+50%/> ===Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future=== :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Now in the future, the past has occurred. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': You're the Ghost of Christmas Past...right? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': That is correct. :'''Carl''': Okay, well...I mean, you know that it's February...right? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[pause]'' I am a robot. :'''Carl''': Well, you know, obviously. What are you, stupid? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[stutters]'' I will see you in December, tomorrow! :'''Carl''': Okay, whatever there, just lock your door on the way- :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[breaks through the wall]'' Do what? :'''Carl''': Nevermind, just leave! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Flashback to Carl's house on Christmas in the 1960s]'' :'''Carl''':''[opening his present]'' Oh boy oh boy oh boy I hope this is a new mommy! :'''Carl's Dad''': Yeah, it's not. Hurry up and open it, ya little creep, we gotta be at work in an hour. :'''Carl''': What is this, is this carpet, daddy? :'''Carl's Dad''': Carpet? No. That's [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Berber_carpet berber], its an industry term. :'''Carl''': Hey, look it's a magic flyin' carpet! Look at me, I'm flyin' around in Egyptland! :'''Carl's Dad''':''[cuts Carl off]'' Yeah, that's cute. Don't get too attached there, Aladdin, 'cause its about to be magic flyin' dinner. :'''Carl''':''[looking worried]'' Y-you can't eat carpet... Silly Daddy. :'''Carl's Dad''': Hehe, not like that you can't. You gotta boil it, till the glue gets soft.:''[looks at his watch]'' Oh jeez, look at the time! :'''Carl''': But it's Christmas, Daddy! :'''Carl's Dad''': You're not getting out of this one! Put on your work boots and your respirator! I pulled ''A LOT'' of strings to get them to hire an 8 year old. :'''Carl''':''[Muttering to himself]'' Don't make me go, I don't wanna make insulation... :'''Carl's Dad''': ''C'MON, WE'RE LATE!!!!'' :'''Carl''': OH GOD! :''[Robot appears and lasers shoot everywhere]'' :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': You remember that Christmas, don't you? :'''Carl''': Yeah, well, you know, I remember eating carpet. Not so much the, uh, lasers and the robots. <hr width=50%/> :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': And that is where babies come from … for machines. :'''Meatwad''': Boy, that's some story. That...kinda is different from what I been told about people loving each other...and, you know, physically... :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': No! That is very wrong! You cling to your pathetic fable of fluid exchange. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': (after finding his swimming pool filled with blood) It looks like someone wrung a herd of cows through a juicer or something! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Wait, wait...who unionized? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Wouldn't you like to know? Probably yo mama. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Man, it makes me sad they had to open their gifts in front of an ape and they were all made out of doodoo. What kinda Christmas is that?! :'''Frylock''': It's okay Meatwad. This is all a bunch of bull. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': You don't believe? :'''Frylock''': Believe what? That you're a ghost and Santa Claus is an ape? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever- :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''Was'' an ape. Now he is a machine! :'''Meatwad''': I left cookies and a glass of milk FOR A MACHINE?!! :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': No man, he's an ape. ''[They look at him questioningly]'' I mean, wait he is a machine! You were trying to mess me up on purpose! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': But I thought everyone back then was undeveloped? Couldn't make machines with their crinkled hands. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Well the elves came from the red planet, and there was much defecation. :'''Frylock''': Yeah, yeah, you mentioned that. How long ago did you say this was? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[Fog rolls in]'' Thousands of years ago- :'''Frylock''': Oh shut up! You still haven't explained why the pool is filled with elf blood! :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': I told you earlier, it was the Great Circuiting. :'''Frylock''': You didn't mention no "Great Circuiting". :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Oh, I didn't? ''[pause]'' Thousands of years ago... <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': I hate to be a buzz kill, but he said that your house is on elf graves and they're pissed off. :'''Carl''': All right, fine, we'll do that. :'''Meatwad''': And the blood's just gonna keep flowing, unless …. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Unless Carl pays tribute to the Elfin Elders in space. :'''Carl''': I'll do it. What do I do? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': You must give up yourself to the Great Red Ape. :'''Carl''': Okay … how much? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Sexually. :'''Carl''': … wonderful. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': What did you say your name was again? :'''Glenn Danzig''': Danzig, mother fucker! I got a question: can you make the blood flow up the walls? :'''Carl''': Lemme go talk to my blood guy over here. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': I don't see why not. :'''Carl''': That's elf blood, too. That ain't cheap-- :'''Glenn Danzig''': How much you want? :'''Carl''': Oh, I dunno...a million? :'''Glenn Danzig''': Killer. Draft the check tomorrow. :'''Carl''': You're serious--THANK YOU GOD!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Glenn Danzig''': Now look, you listen to me as hard as you fucking can. That fucking robot came with the fuckin' house, and now he's fucking gone! If you see that mother-- :'''Master Shake''': Oh, don't worry, we'll tell you! :'''Glenn Danzig''': You fucking better. If I find out he's over here, I'm gonna be eating my cereal out of the bottom of your fuckin' skull! Verstandlich?!! ''[Glenn walks away]'' :'''Master Shake''': Ok. So... thank you :'''Meatwad''': ''[To Cybernetic Ghost]'' Hey you come out now. He's gone. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': (about Danzig) I cannot live with that guy. He is ''so'' annoying, he is ''so'' frightening, and he doesn't wear a shirt. :'''Master Shake''': You make our house bleed right now! ==External links== {{wikipedia|Aqua Teen Hunger Force (season 1)|Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 1)}} *[http://video.adultswim.com/aqua-teen-hunger-force/ ''Aqua Teen Hunger Force''] at Adult Swim *{{imdb title||Aqua Teen Hunger Force}} [[Category:Aqua Teen Hunger Force seasons]] {| class="wikitable" border="1" style="width:100%; text-align: center;" | width="30%" | <small>N/A</small> | width="30%" | '''''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]'' [[w:List of Aqua Teen Hunger Force episodes|seasons]]''' | width="30%" | Succeeded by<br>'''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 2)|Season 2]]''' |} {{Adult Swim}} 9uv17fp89si9norrkqxn0cl7167zw1z 3157863 3157862 2022-08-25T15:46:29Z 45.5.116.93 /* Love Mummy */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 1)|1]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 2)|2]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 3)|3]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 4)|4]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 5)|5]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 6)|6]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 7)|7]] | [[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1]] | [[Aqua Something You Know Whatever]] | [[Aqua TV Show Show]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force|'''Main''']] ---- <br> '''''[[w:Aqua Teen Hunger Force|Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''''', (also known by various [[w:Aqua Teen Hunger Force#Alternative titles|alternative titles]]), (2000–15) is an [[w:animated series|animated television series]] from the [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]]'s [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]] programming block. The show follows the exploits of three [[w:anthropomorphic|anthropomorphic]] fast food items: [[w:Master Shake|Master Shake]], the milkshake; [[w:Frylock|Frylock]], the carton of French fries; and [[w:Meatwad|Meatwad]], the aptly named wad of meat. ===[[w:Rabbot|Rabbot]]=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen! Vegetables have threatened man for generations. I have obtained funds to solve this vegetable nightmare! :'''Steve''': Uh, Dr. Weird — :'''Dr. Weird''': Behold... :'''Steve''': I thought that grant was for somewhat to cure diseases, and …. :'''Dr. Weird''': The grant?! What is that?! :'''Steve''': Dyuhhh …. :''' Dr. Weird''': Shut up. Behold! The Rabbot! ''[The door lifts up and reveals Dr. Weird's monstrous fifty-foot Rabbot]'' :'''Steve''': But, Dr. Weird — :'''Dr. Weird''': Now bring me my large French perfume and spray him in the eyes, because that's how it happened to me! ''[The Rabbot's face is sprayed with a giant bottle of French perfume]'' Now you feel pretty, don't you? Wa, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! ''[The Rabbot hops out the door and toward the lab wall]'' The Rabbot! My creation! ''[The Rabbot smashes through the lab wall and Steve jumps out from behind his hiding spot behind the desk.]'' :'''Dr. Weird''': What has science doooone? :''[the Rabbot hops down the street and proceeds to jump on top of Carl's car, effectively destroying it.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl:''' '''''WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FREAKIN' CAR?!''''' :'''Master Shake''': Good morning, Carl. How's it goin'? :'''Carl''': Oh yeah, good mornin' to you there, Mr. Food Monster, this is how it's goin'. Look at my frickin' car. It is crushed...to bajesus and back. :'''Master Shake''': Have you gotten any estimates? :'''Carl''': Ah, for the love of--I just found it this way. :'''Master Shake''': Carl... :'''Carl''': I just walked out here, for frickin' sake! :'''Master Shake''': Hey Carl, its okay...it's cool man, I'm a detective. Clear the crime scene and let me think...meteors did it! That'll be $20. :'''Frylock''': Hey, Carl. :'''Carl''': Great, we got the Fryman up here. :'''Master Shake''': I have not called for you, Frylock. What are you doing here? :'''Frylock''': I ''live'' here. :'''Master Shake''': Well, quit hovering. ''I'' am the leader! :'''Frylock''': Man, your car is messed up! How are you going to get to work, Carl? :'''Carl''': I work out of the home. :'''Master Shake''': Frylock, send Carl to work, then we shall solve this mystery and make $20. :'''Carl''':I work out of the home. Do not point that fry thing at me. :'''Master Shake''': Quickly, Carl, the ray is upon you. Where do you work? :'''Carl''': I done told ya, I work out of the home! Now stop with the Freak Beam! :'''Master Shake''': Send Carl to the home then! :'''Frylock''': To the home! :'''Carl''': STAY OUT OF MY POOL!! ''[Frylock beams Carl up and drops him flat on his back on his roof]'' Ow, my hip! :'''Master Shake''': Okay, that'll be $20. :'''Frylock''': So, what now, Shake? :'''Master Shake''': We shall solve the mystery from Carl's pool! :'''Carl''':: OH, NO, DON'T GOT TO MY POOL!!! :'''Master Shake''': Goin' to the bank! <hr width=50%/> :''[in Carl's pool]'' :'''Frylock''': This is a fun pool. I do like splashing. :'''Master Shake''': Yes, playing is for pleasure. We should have a pool. Make us one from the sky. I command it. :'''Frylock''': ''[sarcasm]'' Yeah, yeah, I'll do that. :'''Master Shake''': Seriously, I do command it :'''Frylock''': I wonder who killed Carl's car. :'''Master Shake''': A car cannot be "killed"! It was murdered by someone who is jealous of Carl's ability to drive. JEALOUSY is the motivation! <hr width=50%/> :'''Schooly D''': Man everybody know meat don't sleep. <hr width=50%/> :''[Meatwad is dancing, before Master Shake jumps on Meatwad's boom-box and destroys it.]'' :'''Master Shake''': Dancing is forbidden! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Where are we going? :'''Master Shake''': Shut your deformed mouth Meatwad, before I NAIL it shut! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': The scent seems to be coming from that mall :'''Master Shake''': I know! :'''Meatwad''': All right! I want some jeans! :'''Master Shake''': (pushes past him) I'M the one who wants some jeans! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': How did you get back there?! That's for salespersons only. I want to get back there. Get me back there! :''[Meatwad changes shape into a bridge over the sales counter.]'' :'''Meatwad''': Here. Take the Meat Bridge! It's right here! :'''Master Shake''': Meat Bridge? No. :''[Master Shake smashes a hole in sales counter.]'' :'''Meatwad''': Fine. Don't take the Meat Bridge. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Well, as long as we don't go back to the lab. :'''Frylock''': I need to go back to the lab. :'''Master Shake''': God! That'll take a thousand hours! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Does it LOOK like I'm OK?! Stand back, and I shall destroy him! SHAKE POWER ACTIVATE! ''[Shake huffs and puffs and excretes a glob of milkshake onto the road]]'' Now come over here and slip on it, if you dare, rabbit! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': I have called this meeting to say that downtown is no longer safe. :''[Cut to the Rabbot who is still causing havoc in the city]'' :'''Master Shake''': So, in short, we need to pick some new restaurants and night clubs. :'''Carl''': GET OUTTA MY FRICKIN' POOL! ===Escape From Leprauchpolis=== <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen! I have created... this thing! :'''Steve''': What is it? :'''Dr Weird''': I don't know. Stand over here. :'''Steve''': Uh, you mean right here? ''(gets catapulted by a rainbow into the sky)'' :'''Dr. Weird''': It WORKS! ''I am one can short of a six pack''! Wha-ha-ha-ha-ha! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[in the pool for the first time]'' Master Shake said it would dissolve me and then I would get clogged in the filter and then beavers would come and eat me. But that hasn't happened yet! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Look, I have a brain! ''(pause)'' I just took it out so it wouldn't get wet! :'''Frylock''': Yeah, man. He took his brain out. It's cool! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': All right, I'm gonna give this "Rainbow" thing another five minutes, and if it don't show up quick, then I am goin' down to the store and gettin' a hot-rod magazine, 'cause they got the chicks with the boobs in there! :'''Flargan''': ''[looking at Carl through binoculars]'' Excellent, another victim falls prey to me brilliant e-mail plan. Soon we will have enough treasure to rule all of New Jersey. :'''Merle''': Flargan, he doesn't really look like he has any money...or a job, or a wallet. :'''Flargan''': Well I...I'm sure he has some decent tennis shoes. :'''Merle''': He doesn't even have pockets. Look, he's wearing sweatpants. :'''Flargan''': Dingle, engage the rainbow machine! :'''Dingle''': Feet! :''[Dingle turns on the machine]'' :'''Carl''': Yeah, here come the gold! Aw, look at this now, I don't see crap in there. I know this game. This is how they get you. :''[He gets sucked up in the rainbow, and lands flat on his back in the forest]'' :'''Flargan''': Yes, fat man, this IS how we get you! :'''Carl''': Hey there, where's the gold there? :'''Flargan''': Flip-flops? What is this!? :'''Merle''': What did I say? No money, no job, no taste. <hr width=50%/> :'''Merle''': ''[upon seeing Master Shake and Meatwad]'' What in the hell is that?! You know this whole plan is attractin' nothin' but a bunch of goobers. :'''Flargan''': What do their shoes look like? :'''Merle''': Seems kinda stupid doing this whole thing for shoes. :'''Flargan''': It's not just for shoes! It's...it's for... :'''Merle''': It's for what? This [[w:Bananarama|Bananarama]] tape with no case? We really scored big on that one, didn't we, buddy? <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': He told me to get in the freezer 'cause there was a carnival in there. There was no carnival! It was a damn freezer! I got freezer burn and I got mushed up against a chicken. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Let's go. They don't have nothin', it's like a flea market threw up in there. :'''Meatwad''': Look, a Bananarama tape! :'''Master Shake''': That's mine! Drop it where you are! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': You don't need a machine to make a rainbow, for rainbows are made of happy thoughts, and dreams, and chocolate unicorns, and gumdrops, and licorice sunsets, and fuzzy gumdrop bears, in Sugar-Covered Chocolate Gumdrop Land. :'''Master Shake''': No way in hell. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': All right! The ''real'' rainbow! I did it! I brought happiness and joy to us all! :''[a rainbow rips Carl's house off its foundation and flings it through the air.]'' :'''Master Shake''': Wow! :'''Carl''': Oh, good. :''[Awkward silence.]'' :'''Meatwad''': Well, I gotta go...see ya later. <hr width+50%/> ===Bus of the Undead=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen, behold: Mothmonst- ''(Mothmonsterman flies off)'' Oh no! Mothmonsterman, no! Come back! :'''Steve''': He has escaped. :'''Dr. Weird''': Yes, through the hole. ''[slips and falls]'' My banana! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Good morning, Carl! :'''Carl''': Yeah, it is a good morning there little man...''it's three in the morning!!!!!!!!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Look, all I know is that this cord here was plugged into my house, and your house was glowin' like the frickin' sun! So I put two and two together there hey, and decided that you're pissin' me off. :'''Master Shake''': We are truly sorry, Carl, and it will probably never happen again. Can we have our cord back? :'''Carl''': No, no there. I'm just gonna keep it there, since it's uh, mine anyways. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mothmonsterman''': Oh, hey, where you guys been? :'''Master Shake''': Memphis. :'''Mothmonsterman''': Really?! That's awesome. How was it? :'''Master Shake''': Oh, it was very nice. They light up the bridge. We had fried catfish. :'''Meatwad''': When did you have fried catfish? <hr width=50%/> :[''Frylock, Master Shake and Meatwad return home to find Carl tied up with silk, hanging from the ceiling''] :'''Frylock''': What have you done with him? :'''Mothmonsterman''': I just laid a thousand of my eggs inside his esophagus. You know, I need to propagate my species and, he's bein' a baby about it. :'''Frylock''': You know, we have a cloner. :'''Mothmonsterman''': Seriously? :[''Inside Frylock's office, a timer dings''] :'''Frylock''': Oh, no- the cloner! :'''Master Shake''': The brownies! :'''Meatwad''': My brownies! :[''Winged monsters, made from a mix of insect and brownie DNA, burst out of Frylock's office''] :'''Master Shake''': Run! To the pool! :[''Frylock, Master Shake and Meatwad run outside''] :'''Mothmonsterman''': Wait, you have a pool? [''Brownie monsters swarm the living room''] Oh, my God- :[''Out in the backyard''] :'''Frylock''': You put a brownie in my cloning device, didn't you? :'''Master Shake''': No! Yes. I don't know. Maybe! Look, that was six weeks ago! I locked the door; let 'em just duke it out. :'''Meatwad'''': You didn't lock the door, it was out in the yard...! :[''A huge swarm of brownie monsters attacks''] ===Mayhem of the Mooninites=== :'''Ignignokt''': ''(knocks on Carl's door)'' Hello, Carl. I am Ignignokt, and this is Err. :'''Err''': I am Err! :'''Ignignokt''': We are Mooninites from the inner core of the Moon. :'''Err''': You said it right! :'''Ignignokt''': Our race is hundreds of years beyond yours. :'''Err''': Man, do you hear what he's sayin'?! :'''Ignignokt''': Some would say that the Earth is our moon. :'''Err''': We're the moon. :'''Ignignokt''': But that would belittle the name of our moon... which is the Moon. :'''Err''': The point is, we're at the center. Not you! :'''Carl''': No, the real point is: I don't give a damn! ''(slams door)'' <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Your jambox is now his by way of our actions. :'''Master Shake''': Yes, Meatwad, with actions! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Err''': Shoot him the bird! :'''Ignignokt''': Yes, give him the finger. :'''Meatwad''': The finger? Like this? ''(turns into a hot-dog)'' :'''Ignignokt''': No. Not at all like that. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Err''': We smoke as we shoot the bird! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': You and your "third dimension." :'''Frylock''': Yeah? What about it? :'''Ignignokt''': Oh, nothing. It's cute. We have five. :'''Err''': Th-thousand. :'''Ignignokt''': Yes, five thousand. :'''Err''': Don't question it! :'''Frylock''': Oh yeah? Well, I only see two. :'''Ignignokt''': Well, that sounds like a personal problem. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Frylock''': I don't think Meatwad should be hanging around with these Moon people. :'''Master Shake''': I don't think I should be playing with these medium strings. I need light gauge if I'm gonna thrash! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Using keys to gouge expletives onto another's vehicle is a sign of trust and friendship. :''[Cut to Carl standing outside his house, looking at his vandalized car.]'' :'''Carl''': ''Who did this to my frickin' car!!??'' <hr width = 50% /> :'''Carl''': So maybe you be a good person to ask who wrote ''The Moon Rulez #1'', on my car, with a key! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Carl''': ''[Effortlessly dodging the Mooninites' shot]'' Nice shot there, Brick Out. ''[Unbeknownst to Carl, the shot rebounds off his house and back towards him]'' Now I want you jokers out of this- ''[The shot hits Carl and he phases out as he is transported to the moon]'' OH GOD! MY BACK! WHOOOAAAA... <hr width = 50% /> :''[Frylock has blown up the TV with his laser vision]'' :'''Ignignokt''': What was that? :'''Err''': Whoa! Did those just come out of your eyes? :'''Ignignokt''': They're primitive :'''Err''': Damn! Those are fast, man! :'''Ignignokt''': We are not impressed :'''Err''': Hey, wasn't that cool? <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': ''[Giving Frylock the finger from space]'' I hope he can see this because I'm doing it as hard as I can. <hr width+50% /> ===Balloonenstein=== :'''Carl''': Oh, sweet, sweet nectar. It's like my pool is tearin' ass around the backyard. But it's stayin' still. Still waters run deep! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Grab my potatoes, Carl! :'''Carl''': Sure, why not? <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': The real spaghetti got wet when I was boiling it so… it’s in the dryer! :'''Meatwad''':Why didn’t you say so! It's probably dry by now, so let's go get it. ''[saying as he gets into the dryer]'' Now remember, I like it spicy! :'''Shake''': Ha ha ha! So stupid! :'''Meatwad''': Hey, wait a second! Why's it spinnin'? :'''Schoolly D''': Come on, think about it, Meatwad! It's a dryer, man! Of course it's gonna spin! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Ooh. Damn! What dimension was that? Carl, your hands! :'''Carl''': Yeah, I know, I see 'em; they're very big. Well, it was fun. I'm gonna go take a nap now and then I think I'm gonna call, uh, some hospitals. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Shake, where is my popsicle? :'''Shake''': Please, wait a second... :'''Meatwad''': I require a popsicle every 15 minutes! You obviously did not read the memo! :'''Shake''': ''This'' is your memo? (''holds up a drawing'') I don't even know what this is! :'''Meatwad''': ''(zaps Shake)'' You sicken me with your lies. :'''Shake''': I'll make you some right away! :'''Meatwad''': "Make" me some? Please do not insult what little intelligence I have. I need it ''now''. :'''Shake''': Then I'll go to the store! Please sir! :'''Meatwad''': Yes you will. Now what is the magic word, '''''bitch'''''? :'''Shake''': PLEASE, let me go to the store and get popsicles for you! Thank you sire! :'''Meatwad''': That's right. ''(releases Shake; Shake runs out the door)'' You better run, boy! And bring back some chocolate syrup, too, or your fate is sealed! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Everybody hates me 'cause they die or get hurt. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Will this hurt 'im? :'''Frylock''': It shouldn't. :'''Master Shake''': Then ''why'' are we doing it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': ''[Chasing Meatwad with pencils]'' This is for shooting me in the roof and sending me to the store making me call you sire! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Go destroy Balloonenstein! :'''Meatwad''': Do what now? :'''Frylock''': Pop the balloon with the glass! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, yeah, okay. ''[long pause]'' Do what now? :'''Frylock''': Pop him with the glass! The glass in your head! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, yeah, I know. Don't yell at me! ''[pause]'' Do what now? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Damn it, he needs his brain. Otherwise he "just gonna float around forever sayin' "Do what now?" :'''Meatwad''': Do what now? :'''Master Shake''': Guess what? He's not gettin his brain back, because it is now the nerve center for the city of the future: LAS BRAINGELES! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''(now a 50 foot meatball, speaking in a booming voice)'' '''Where are my popsicles?!''' :'''Frylock''': Damn! :'''Master Shake''':''(scared)'' Is that you, God? :'''Meatwad''': '''Frylock, get away from the pool.''' :'''Frylock''': Aw, hell... ''(moves away from the pool)'' :'''Meatwad''': ''(leaps into the air)'' '''''CAN OPENER!!!!!!!!!!!''''' ===Space Conflict from Beyond Pluto=== :''(Trying to barbecue melons)'' :'''Emory''': How do want your melon? :'''Olgethorpe''': Emory, the melon's on fire! :'''Emory''': Well of course they're on fire. They're not made to be cooked. :'''Oglethorpe''': What do ''you'' know of fire? You prance around like you have laser eyes. You don't! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': I have an amazing plan to betray our new friend … hah-hah-hah! :'''Emory''': I thought the plan was to barbecue with him. :'''Oglethorpe''': Plans are for fools! When he gets here, we melt him … and laugh … on into the night! :'''Emory''': Why don't we just...talk to him and stuff? :'''Oglethorpe''': Why don't you shut up and let me do what I want for a change? <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Hey, hey, what is with all this interrogation? Let's toss the frisbee...over there ''[Points to the melting chamber]''...''WHERE WE WILL MELT YOU INTO FLUID!'' ''[begins stomping on the frisbee]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': We are on a top secret mission of world domination! :'''Frylock''': World domination? You guys couldn't take over a damn bowl of Jell-O! :'''Emory''': Hey, is that, like, an important place or something? :'''Oglethorpe''': ''[threateningly]'' Where is it? <hr width=50%/> :''[Frylock realizes that the Plutonians are complete idiots and wants to leave.]'' :'''Frylock''': Okay, look, which one of these buttons beams me out of here? :'''Oglethorpe''': Those buttons are red! You'll destroy us all! :''[Frylock pushes a button. Balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling and music plays.]'' :'''Emory''': All right, party time! :'''Oglethorpe''': Whose birthday is it? Someone gets a spanking! :''[Frylock pushes another button. Shake appears on the ship.]'' :'''Shake''': Hey, happy birthday! Hey, who's the lucky boy? :'''Frylock''': Shake, how did you get in this beam? :'''Shake''': Look, that beam came from space. You don't own space, so stop acting like you do. <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': You might be interested to know that we are just about to destroy your planet! :'''Master Shake''': Oh, go ahead, I'm not there, ah, it's fine. <hr width=50%/> :'''Emory''': You really think we need to blow up their planet? :'''Oglethorpe''': That's what I said, blow it up! Let's blow it up! :'''Emory''': Alright, fine. :''[Oglethorpe pushes a button. Balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling and music plays again.]'' :'''Emory''': ...Did it blow up, man? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': You cannot cut someone's lawn with matches, Meatwad! :'''Meatwad''': Look, I know that. You gotta have gasoline, otherwise how's it gonna spread to the street? :'''Carl''': ''(banging on the Aqua Teen's door)'' Open this damn door now! :'''Meatwad''': Oh, is he mad? Don't open it. :'''Carl''': I heard that! Open this door! <hr width=50%/> :''[the Plutonians have put Shake in the melting chamber.]'' :'''Emory''': Why isn't he melting? I mean, the beam's supposed to be on. :'''Oglethorpe''': Well, it's not! I'm looking right at it and it's not on. :'''Emory''': Maybe we need the remote. :'''Oglethorpe''': Well, maybe you shouldn't have run the melter through the VCR, Scheisskopf! :'''Emory''': Well, maybe it's 'cause you said "I want all meltings to be taped", even though you never watch 'em! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': '''''NOW, WHERE'S THAT DAMN REMOTE?!?!''''' <hr width=50%/> :''[Shake accidentally fires off an escape pod holding the Plutonians' remote control]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': What in the hell was that?! :'''Emory''': That was the, uh...escape pod. :'''Oglethorpe''': Damn it! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Stop pressing the buttons in there! :'''Shake''': This whole ship's a bunch of buttons! And I'm done with this Redbook, I was done with it the minute I saw it. And I'm hungry! :'''Oglethorpe''': You will eat what we say! :'''Emory''': You will eat ''when'' we say. That's right. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Uh, Shake... :'''Shake''': What do you want? :'''Frylock''': Carl is here... :'''Shake''': How did you get this--I'm not here! :''[At the Aqua Teens' house, Frylock, Carl, and Meatwad are watching Shake on the computer.]'' :'''Carl''': Oh, you're not there? :'''Shake''': Hello, Carl. :'''Carl''': Hey, buddy, how ya doin' there? Pizza Land, huh? That's lots of fun. Hey, uh, I wanted to let you know that '''''YOU BURNED MY FRICKIN' HOUSE DOWN!!!!!!!!!!''''' :'''Shake''': But the grass is gone--- :'''Carl''': Oh yea the grass is gone, just like how your face is gonna be gone after I '''SHOVE IT IN A PASTRAMI SLICER!!!''' <hr width=50%/> :''[Shake has asked for a new virtual environment. He appears in what appears to be a live-action park. He finds himself next to a horse.]'' :'''Female Computer Voice''': Welcome to this horse's anus. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[after Carl's house has burned down]'' Hey Carl, you want me to shampoo the rug? :'''Carl''': What's the frickin' point, Meatman? :'''Meatwad''': So you can give me some money. <hr width=50%/> :''[The Plutonians enact a plan to get rid of Shake]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, look over there! One hundred dollars! On the wing of the ship! :'''Shake''': ''[Shoves Oglethorpe out of the way]'' Oh, that's mine! I dropped it! Now where is it again? :'''Oglethorpe''': Right there. Do you see it? It's there. :'''Shake''': Why, this could be very dangerous. I...I should go. :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, would you? Please save us...from all the money. :''[Cut to Shake in a pod in space, looking for the money]'' :'''Shake''': Shake to ship! I'm still not seeing it! :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, you can't see it? Well, let me turn on the light for you! :''[the ship flies away, sending Shake spinning to Earth.]'' :'''Shake''': Wait! :'''Oglethorpe''': Jackass! <hr width=50%/> :''[Carl is holding a tire iron.]'' :'''Carl''': Hey, buddy! :'''Shake''': Hey, Carl! Hey! Lawn looks great! :'''Carl''': Likin' it? :'''Shake''': Why's your house all curled up? :'''Carl''': I don't know, I was hoping maybe we could have a little dialogue about that. :'''Shake''': Hey, that's a nice tire iron, Carl. Is that yours? :'''Carl''': Yeah, let me get in there and show you the finish on it. Up close. :''[Carl gets in the pod. The door closes.]'' :'''Carl''': Taste the chrome! :''[Carl proceeds to brutalize Shake. The pod falls over.]'' ===Ol' Drippy=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen, be- :'''Steve''': Uhh, you know, you can just call me Steve. I mean, there's no one else here. :''[The creature from the black lagoon suddenly appears behind Steve]'' :'''Steve''': Right? :'''Dr. Weird''': MY MIND! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': You ever hear of a refrigerator, or a frickin' trash can?! :'''Master Shake''': No. :'''Frylock''': You got three raw chickens in here on the floor! A dog wouldn't even take a crap in here! :'''Master Shake''': Look, just take the hose and lightly spray everything out the back door. :'''Frylock''': No, no ''MY ASS, YOU WILL!'' :'''Master Shake''': Drape a tarp over it. :'''Frylock''': Oh no you're not! You're gonna go to the damn store and get some cleaning supplies! :'''Meatwad''': What's goin' on? :'''Master Shake''': Look at this mess! Did you do this? ''[long pause]'' Fine, alright!. I'll do it, but it's my decision to do this, I declare it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Schooly D''': Yo, man. I think that mold is a-movin'. If it move one more time, I’m gettin' my gat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': This here's Vanessa. I know she looks like an apple, but she's actually a full-grown woman, and she fell in love with her boyfriend, Dewey, here, and they go off into outer space and then they... they get married. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''':(angrily enters the house) Where's Meatwad?! :'''Frylock:''' What're you doing with that gutter? :'''Master Shake:''' What're you doin' with that beard, huh? Answer that, scientist! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': My telescope! And you've ruined it! How will I ever see the stars again? :'''Meatwad''': This ain't no telescope, it's Dewey. He's an engineer, and he works on the Supertrain. :'''Master Shake''': He does what?! You've got mental problems. ''[Hits Meatwad repeatedly with gutter]'' Taste the chrome! :'''Ol' Drippy''': ''[walking in with the "doll"]'' What's it taste like? :'''Master Shake''': Your mother's... ''[sees Ol' Drippy for the first time]'' AAAHHHH, MONSTER!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Did you see a woman in a bikini with a six-pack of beer and a surfboard come in here? :'''Frylock''': Was it made of cardboard, used to be up at the liquor store? :'''Carl''': Uhh...no. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': You two-timin' bitch! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Ohhh, she smells like dead mushrooms and cheeseburger meat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ol' Drippy''': Idle hands spend time at the genitals, and you know how much God hates that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frylock has suggested that Shake be "polite"; Shake intentionally knocks Ol' Drippy's latte out of his "hand".]'' :'''Shake''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to knock that out of your hand, I don't know what came over me! There, was that polite enough for you, Frylock?! I'm apologizing to your best friend in the whole universe! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': Shake, what is wrong with you? :'''Master Shake''': What's wrong with ''you''? Hey, why don't you go kiss your new best friend, you love him so damn much! I'm the one who cleaned the kitchen. I'm the authority! :'''Carl''': ''[at the door]'' Someone wanna tell me why my pool is full of hotdog chunks and dirty dishes? :'''Master Shake''': Oh Carl, you didn't mess with it did ya? Cause it's gotta set up for a couple days with the battery. :'''Carl''': The battery? :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, you know, the one from your car. I dumped some shampoo in there too, but it's dog shampoo so I dunno if it's gonna work, but were prayin' like hell that it does. :'''Carl''': No, no, no, I understand, I understand. I'm just gonna go, I'll be back in a few. You uh, you think that the gun store is still open? :'''Ol' Drippy''': Carl, please, I'll take care of the mess. He means well, he's just a little... well, I'd better not say. :'''Master Shake''': What? I'm a little what? :'''Carl''': Thank you, Drippy. You are very well-mannered and very nice. ''[To Master Shake]'' And ''you'' oughta take lessons from him! :'''Frylock''': [agreeing with Carl] That's right! :'''Meatwad''': [agreeing with both Frylock and Carl] Yeah, Shake. That's right! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': Oh yeah, he's nice now, but don't come looking for me when he's burying your bodies out in the desert. <hr width+50%/> [Meatwad kicks out Shake] :'''Meatwad''': Well, get out of here! What are you waiting on? I’m gonna chase you outta here! [Sidewalk at night. Shake is in the rain] :'''Shake''':[Making a post-and-lintel structure out of sofa cushions] That’s good. Okay, that’s all right. That looks good. Hey, who says I couldn’t do this, huh?[Lightning strikes the sofa cushions apart] AAAAHHH! Let me in! Will you let me in, dammit! I mean, guys! Hey-hey! Somebody wanna let me in, please?[Frylock goes to open the door for Shake] :'''Frylock''': Well, Shake! I thought you moved. :'''Shake''': What?! I never said that! Who said that!?(He starts coughing) :'''Ol Drippy''': Oh my. You’re burning up. :'''Shake''': Yes, I’m very... sick.(He coughs some more) :'''Ol Drippy''': Frylock, he needs medical help. :'''Frylock''': He needs an ass-whooping is what he needs. :'''Ol Drippy''': There’s no time! Here Shake, eat my head! :'''Shake''': Here! Kiss my ass! Forget about it!! :'''Ol Drippy''': I’m serious. Coat me with ranch. Chase me with cheese if you must, I don’t care. It’s the only way. :'''Frylock''': Drippy, don’t! What are you doing? :'''Meatwad''': Don’t do that, that’s going to hurt you! :'''Ol Drippy''': I’m saving his life! I’m half penicillin! :'''Frylock''': Well, I have some penicillin in my lab if that’s what this is all about. :'''Ol Drippy''': Oh, really? Well then, just give him some of that man, I mean- :'''Shake''': No, wait. Now, hold on a minute, I- I kind of like the taste of your head. I mean, you said it was the only way, right?(coughs again) :'''Meatwad''': Where are you going, Drippy? I- I love you! :'''Ol Drippy''': I'm going away for a while, Meatwad. And I may never come back. But I'll always be here, inside. :'''Shake''': Yeah, in my stomach, baby. :'''Ol' Drippy''': Close your eyes, Meatwad. ''[Shake takes a big bite out of Ol' Drippy]'' AAH! :'''Shake''': Leave your eyes open, Meatwad. I wanna horrify you into a coma. <hr width+50%/> :''[Shake is eating fried chicken in the pool after Drippy got hit by a truck while saving his life]'' :'''Shake''': Look...he pushed me. :'''Fryock''': He pushed you out of the way of that truck. :'''Shake''': Listen...he's in a better place. :'''Frylock''': He's in the ''grill'' of the truck! :'''Meatwad''': He was my best friend. :'''Shake''': Ah, well then you should know something. When he was pushing me...he mentioned something about not liking you. :'''Frylock''': Ah, man. :'''Shake''': I clearly heard it. :'''Meatwad''': Did he really? :'''Shake''': That stuck out. :'''Meatwad''': Well...I guess I'll have one of those wings then. Gimme one. :'''Shake''': ''[Throws a wing towards Meatwad]'' Here, fetch. :'''Meatwad''': Where's the meat?! This is a bone! :'''Shake''': Go make a doll out of that! ===Revenge of the Mooninites=== :'''Meatwad''': How am I ever gonna win that ten speed? :'''Master Shake''': How are you ever gonna ride a ten speed with no frickin' legs?! You're just gonna bust the ass that you don't even have! Who bothered to spawn you...and ''why''?! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Fryman, we're full of religion. Everyone, please, bow your heads and pretend to be serious. :'''Err''': Do it or I'll bow 'em for ya! :''[Frylock throws the Mooninites out of the house]'' :'''Ignignokt''': You have deeply offended us and our god, and our god is a god of vengeance...and horror :'''Err''': And action! :'''Ignignokt''': Our god is an Indian that turns into a wolf :'''Err''': That's [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wolfen_(film) Wolfen], man. :'''Ignignokt''': Well...the Wolfen will come for you with his razor. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Meatwad''': I do not want to do anything illegal here, but I would kill somebody in front of their own mama to get a ten speed and if anybody testifies against me, I'll gouge their eyes out. :'''Err''': Let's go get drunk and rip off a ten speed! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, we'll get a basket and a horn on the handle. :'''Err''': Then we'll set it on fire and wreck it into children and laugh at their parents and then we'll...get on the... ohh man, I'm toasted! :'''Ignignokt''': The innocent shall suffer... big time. <hr width = 50% /> :''[Ignignokt shows Carl the Foreigner Belt]'' :'''Carl''': Wait a second...is that from the '83 tour? Yeah! I saw those guys in the Meadow Lands with Bryan Adams! That was a kickass show! I totally copped this feel off this passed out broad when they were playing ''Urgent''. Every time I hear ''Urgent'' on the radio I think of that girl's boobs and...covered in vomit. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Meatwad''': Oh, yeah baby! That's a neat car she's washin'! You think that's a straight six? :'''Err''': I think I ''have'' a straight six! :'''Ignignokt''': Ooh, Err, your sexual innuendo is priceless! <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Torch the dresser, Meatwad. :'''Meatwad''': But, this is where Carl keeps his clothes. :'''Ignignokt''': Look, these women don't have any clothes and they're not complaining. :'''Err''': Yeah, man. They're kissin' each other! :'''Ignignokt''': And you want Carl to be forever kissed, don't you? :'''Meatwad''': Well, I guess so.. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Ignignokt''': Your neighbor Carl was gracious enough to let us rip him off and burn his furniture for no reason. <hr width = 50% /> :'''Carl''': I don't need no instructions to know how to rock! ===MC Pee Pants=== :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen, behold! My beautiful fiancée! :'''Steve''': Uh, I think that's a giant spider. :''[MC Pee Pants grabs Dr. Weird and starts to mangle him]'' :'''Dr. Weird''': You're right! I've been betrayed! Run! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''':'' [listening to Bach]'' Yeah, now listen to ''that'' beat. Now that's a kickin' glissando! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': I like beatings, I'll beat ya all day! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Hey, which one of you guys has been playin' "I Like Candy", for a ''frickin' week''?!?! :'''Frylock''': It was your other neighbor. :'''Shake''': Meatwad. :'''Carl''': You know what? At this point, it doesn't matter, 'cause it keeps runnin' inside my head and it won't leave unless I blow it out, with a bullet! :'''Master Shake''': ''[notices Carl's mouth is full]'' What you eating there, Carl? ''(walks over to him)'' You gonna show me some love? :'''Carl''': Jawbreakers. For some reason, I can't get enough of 'em. :'''Master Shake''': Is that why your teeth are blue? :'''Carl''': Uh... no. :'''Master Shake''': Oh. Uh... So, why are you... :'''Carl''': Shut up. ''[brief silence, then begins singing]'' I like candy, bubblegum and ta--''DAMN IT!!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Trick or treat, smell my meat...''[Carl shuts the door]]'' ...Ah, man. :'''Carl''': ''[Opens the door]'' Look, Meatman, what are you doing trick-or-treatin'?! It's frickin' May. :'''Meatwad''': Look, I need candy. Now, are you going to give me some, or are you going to lose some teeth? :'''Carl''': I know, I've only heard your little song a thousand times! Now I need candy and I don't know why. :'''Meatwad''': Shhh... I don't listen to that kiddie crap any more, I'm check'n the adult jams now, see, check it. MC Pee Pants don't just want candy now, that's childish, he ''needs'' it. And when you need something that's a responsibility, that only only an adult... of my maturity... bunnies! :'''Carl''': Yeah, I got a deal at the dumpster, I mean, warehouse. Yeah, you might want to wipe the juice off 'em. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': You know Meatwad and Carl have been hanging out quite a bit lately. :'''Shake''': What, you want 'em to stop? ''(yelling out the front door)'' Rape, rape, oh rape! :'''Frylock''': No, no, no, it's fine, it's fine, but don't think it's a little bit weird that they started washing the car at midnight...and they're still doing it? :'''Shake''': Look, people do things, it's a fact. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': Shake, did you hear this lyric? About drilling a hole straight to hell, and releasing demons to create a global diet pill pyramid scheme?! :'''Master Shake''': Eh, I don't know. All that rap is is clicks and whistles. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': 612 Wharf Avenue? I know where that is, that's the, uh, abandoned warehouse next to Melon Shakers...th-the Gentlemen's Club. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': I should not walk so a child may live. ''[pause]'' That's what it does. :'''Frylock''': Get up! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Why aren't your lips moving? :'''MC Pee Pants''': Look, my shniggys, I had a strizzoke in my brizzain, okay? You know what I'm sayin'? So I can't move all good. Thanks for bringing that up, thank you very much! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': You're all the things that are in this ad: you're energetic, hard-working, you like people— :'''MC Pee Pants''': No, I love the liquid ''inside'' people. How many times I gotta tell you this, man? I'm insane! I eat people-juice. No one's gonna hire a people-juice eater! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In hell]'' :'''MC Pee Pants''': Hey guys. Hey man, who's into rap yo? :'''Satan''': Now you listen to me scab! We listen to speed metal! :'''MC Pee Pants''': Hey man it's cool. ''[Satan blasts MC P Pants with fire]'' AAAHH! :'''Satan''': No, it isn't! ===Dumber Dolls=== :'''Dr Weird''': Gentleman, behold. My time space contin- ''[freezes]'' :'''Steve''': What? ''[long pause]'' Uhhh....Dr. Weird? ''[pushes over Dr. Weird, and he explodes]'' See you later have a good weekend! <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': ''[After running over Meatwad's toys with a lawnmower]'' Hey, your astronauts better watch where they land their ship next time, 'cause they might get ''overrun'' by the alien life form, hahaha! :'''Meatwad''': They don't use ships, they use rocket boots. :'''Shake''': They don't use nothin' now, do they? <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': No, no I don't have a firearm, I just got these...action bills. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Frylock, where are the pills? :'''Frylock''': Pills? What do you need pills for? :'''Meatwad''': Well, Happy-Time Harry needs 'em. He says that the pills make the phone calls go away. :'''Frylock''': ''[Writes on a post-it note]'' Alright Meatwad, this is a prescription from Dr. Frylock for Jolly Sunshine Happiness! :'''Meatwad''': Oh, you think this is a game?! They're gonna garnish his wages and how's he gonna pay child support then, huh? I'll tell ya, he ain't! <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Look man, all you had was root beer and triple sec. :'''Frylock''': I was gonna make margaritas with that! :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Ah man, you had tequila the whole time?! Well, where the...where is it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': ''[To Meatwad]'' Tomorrow I'm getting you a new doll with a sunnier attitude! :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Hey man, while you're there, you get me that Happy-Time Dialysis Machine. :'''Frylock''': Dialysis? :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Yeah. I had half my liver removed and I'm not supposed to drink, but...I do. <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Go ahead, man. Let's do this thing. :'''Master Shake''': I told you I'd do it, I'm gonna do it now. Hey Meatwad, look at this! ''[With Shake turned away, Harry pours gasoline over himself]'' Come to the window! Big time fun... you know what I mean? :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Okay dude, I just did all the prep work, now let's get it on! DO IT! :'''Master Shake''': Well.. shoot... I mean I was just going to sort of blow your jaw off with a firecracker or something.. I wasn't gonna.. I think I need to go pray. :''[Cut to Meatwad's room]'' :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Yo, that milkshake's got no guts, man. :'''Meatwad:''' You know, Happy-Time...Just being around you kinda makes me wanna die... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jiggle Billy:''' So... ''[dances]'' we jigglin' or- :'''Happy-Time Harry:''' Hey! Backwoods retard. Not now, not ever! :'''Jiggle Billy:''' Okay! Naptime! ''[dances]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry:''' You know, sometimes I like to take this knife and just...cut myself. ''[Chuckles]'' See how hard I can do it before I just...pass out, man. :'''Jiggle Billy:''' Shoo...well, uhh...commence the jigglin' y'all! <hr width=50%/> :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Hey, check it out, man. You know why you came in that box, right? That's 'cause someone put you there...to die. :'''Jiggle Billy''': That ain't true now. I...I got me these night-vision goggles ''[Puts the goggles on]'' :'''Happy-Time Harry''': ''[Knocks the goggles off]'' For what? You're a hillbilly! You don't even know who you are, do you? Look at you, you're a clown. You're a joke. :'''Jiggle Billy''': ''[Pathetically]'' I don't know why I have these goggles. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock:''' You’re gonna chuck him off a cliff? Shake, we could have chucked him off the roof and stayed at home. :'''Master Shake:''' No, This is a magic cliff here, like in The [[w:Highlander_(film)|Highlander]]. So, you will become The Highlander, and you’ll roam the earth forever, trying to kill yourself, but you wouldn’t be able to, because you’ll be…immortal. Won’t that suck, little man? [laughs] :'''Meatwad:''' Well actually, That sounds kinda cool. :'''Master Shake:''' Yeah, it does. :'''Meatwad:''' Then I’m gonna do it. :'''Master Shake:''' NO, YOU’RE NOT! I’m doing it! :'''Frylock:''' Shake, Wait! The Highlander was just a movie. I mean- :'''Master Shake:''' Oh Frylock, The Highlander was a documentary, and the events happen in real time. :'''Meatwad:''' So, this cliff is magic? :'''Master Shake:''' Oh yeah, Big time. :'''Meatwad:''' I’m doing it now. :'''Happy-Time Harry''': No man, Look you gotta be born a Highlander, You can’t just…become one. :'''Frylock:''' See, he saw the movie too. :'''Meatwad:''' You know, that’s right. :'''Master Shake:''' I know, I saw cliffs, Okay. And there’s lots of magic everywhere…And Mel Gibson. :'''Happy-Time Harry''': Uhh, [[w:Braveheart|Braveheart]]? Hello? :'''Master Shake:''' Oh, You think you’re the expert? Lets see how much your ass know about FLYING! [throws Happy-Time off a cliff.] Yeah! that’s what I’m talking about. :'''Frylock:''' You done? Because that took forever... :'''Master Shake:''' I am-Well I am foreverrr.....I AM IMMORTAL!!! :'''Frylock:''' Shake, No! ''[Master Shake jumps off the cliff, his straw clinging to a branch]'' :'''Master Shake:''' Damn branch…Wait! I'm not immortal here, Okay? :'''Frylock:''' Hang on Shake, we'll call for help! :'''Meatwad:''' No, tell him to let go. :'''Master Shake:''' Yeah, Hurry! I think that the branch will hold for... ''[branch breaks]'' IT'S NOT HOLDING!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': (Floating in the pool with Meatwad) So, I guess the Highlander comes out of traction today. :'''Meatwad''': Well, I hoped they fixed his eyes. They got messed up pretty bad in that fall. :'''Frylock''': Well, the doctors gave him some hard plastic replacements, So don't stare at them, Okay? He’s real self conscious about it. :'''Meatwad:''' Okay. :'''Shake''': (comes in on wheelchair with large eyes) Alas, I return. :'''Frylock''': Oh! There you are! :'''Master Shake:''' Where are you? :'''Meatwad''': Dang! What happened to your eyes?! They look weird. :'''Frylock''': Shhh! :'''Shake''': Oh, shut up! “There can be, only one!” (Lifts up a sword and lightning strikes it, and then he drops it and falls out of the chair and is set on fire). :'''Meatwad''': We grillin' tonight. ===Bad Replicant=== :''[Dr. Weird is hanging upside-down.]'' :'''Dr. Weird''': Gentlemen! Chop off my head with such velocity that my blood will rocket through my neck, and propel my lifeless body, all the way to Phoenix! :'''Steve''': Wow. Uh, what's in Phoenix? :'''Dr. Weird''': Why, it's your mama, Steve! Get the axe! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Look at it [the Earth] out there. Orbiting like it's so cool. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Look at him and tell me there's a God. :'''Meatwad''': He made me in His own image. :'''Master Shake''': Oh, yeah, God's a big meatball, I forgot. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha. :'''Meatwad''': He is. :'''Master Shake''': Does he stink like you do? <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Yeah, that's right. And he ain't my best friend, neither. He yells at me and scares me and locks me in the attic, and pours liquid on my head that stink, and freeze me with the fire extinguisher, and a whole bunch of other stuff I can't remember 'cause he shocked me in the head with a car battery. ''[pause]'' With a bunch of clamps, and sparks, and ... <hr width=50%/> :'''Emory''': Yeah, hey Oglethorpe, do you remember this guy [Shake]? :'''Oglethorpe''': I'm starting to. :'''Emory''': And how annoying he was. :'''Oglethorpe''': Yes, and how he scoffed at our magazines! :'''Emory''': So, uh, what were we gonna do with him? :'''Ogletorpe''': ...We shall use him for the armies ... of the night! :'''Emory''': But I thought the guy down there was going to build an army ... of the night. :'''Oglethorpe''': Different army dorkface! This army will take over the rest of the galaxy! You see how my mind works? It's like a laser! :'''Shake''': You know, I know you from somewere. :'''Oglethorpe''': He must not know who we are. Quick, paint the Mind Room! :'''Emory''': Uh, I'm still not done with the trim on that. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Oh, you're ki — Meatwad, it's not polite to stare. :'''Meatwad''': But, look at him. :'''Major Shake''': No, it's okay, I know. I'm totally, hideous. :'''Meatwad''': No i-it's cool, I was just wondering if that jambox worked, you know. Shake threw mine in a cobra cage, and dared me to go get it, and that's why I'm all puffy back here. <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, well son of a … imprison him within the rings! :''[Disco light rings come down around Shake.]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': You'll never move from that spot again, unless you like being cut in half! :''[The phone rings. Shake reaches through the rings to answer it.]'' :'''Master Shake''': Yelloo? :'''Oglethorpe''': The laser rings! :'''Master Shake''': Look, brother, these ain't nothin but disco lights. :'''Emory''': No, the installer said that they were imprison laser rings, and I, I believed him. :'''Oglethorpe''': Don't listen to him, for he is a witch! <hr width=50%/> :'''Oglethorpe''': Look, look, settle down, can you just maybe try and replicate some other people, and get an army going and then take over the entire planet. :'''Emory''': Or is that not possible. :'''Major Shake''': Well I don't know, I don't think I can replicate others, was that your plan? :'''Oglethorpe''': Well, one of them. We have many plans. :'''Major Shake''': Well maybe your next plan should be to tell me what the plan is. :'''Oglethorpe''': Look, settle down. It's all cool. :'''Major Shake''': No. No. Look at me dude. I'm a leaky, disgusting, abomination and I'm not going to do it anymore. <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Did they not see us sitting here? :'''Major Shake''': No, I'm sure it'll come to them. :''(On the ship)'' :'''Oglethorpe''': Oh, damn it! :'''Emory''': What? :'''Oglethorpe''': That was that man, the fry-man! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': So, is he like replicating it? :'''Frylock''': No, he's hotwiring it. :'''Meatwad''': Oh, shoot I was hoping I'd learn something. Science is a mystery to man, isn't it Frylock? :'''Frylock''': Yeah it sure is Meatwad... :'''Meatwad''': Like how we all evolved from the ancient dinosaur. I wish I had some of their stuff boy. Like them tail. Them tails that make 'em fly. :'''Frylock''': Shut up, Damn! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': So, did they, um … ever find your car? :'''Carl''': Oh, they found part of it, you know, hang'n from a trestle near the turnpike. Yeah the cops said he had a … a "straw-like protrusion" and a "cup-like body." You know anybody like 'at? :'''Frylock''': Uh, well, it wasn't Shake, Carl. He was abducted by aliens earlier this afternoon. :'''Carl''': Oh, I knew that. Yeah, of course. :'''Frylock''': He was … seriously. :'''Carl''': I hate you! <hr width=50%/> :'''Emory''': So, what are we gonna do with the prisoner? :'''Oglethorpe''': We shall ask the mighty Orbnauticus. :''[A disco ball comes down from the ceiling.]'' :'''Oglethorpe''': Orbnauticus, we seek wisdom. To what evil purpose shall we put our slave to use? <hr width+50%/> ===Circus=== :'''Shake''': Meatwad, get in this bag! :'''Frylock''': What?! :'''Shake''': What? I got airholes... it's a joke, it'a joke, ha ha, don't get in that bag, you little meat. :''[cut to Shake and Meatwad in an alley]'' :'''Shake''': Now you stay in that bag! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': So is this where the camp is? :'''Shake''': Yes, now gimme a hug. But, keep the bag on, okay? :'''Meatwad''': Smells like vomit. :'''Shake''': Shut up! The counselor is about the counsel you, and he will send you right back home if you talk and you'll never learn RAM! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Okay Shake, see you in a week. :'''Shake''': Yeah, I'll see you in a week. In hell! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Hey Randy, I don't know what's going on, but can I trade bunks? 'Cause my roommate's...wha- are those his organs? :'''Randy''': Oh that's Inside-Out Boy. His mouth is in his belly, so he's gotta slap at his vocal chords with his bladder in order to make words. :'''Meatwad''': ...I-I-I don't like this camp. Can I go home now? :'''Randy''': GROW INTO A MOUNTAIN DAMNIT! Terrify me! :'''Meatwad''': Now see, I don't do that but I can do this (turns into a hotdog) and this. (turns into a igloo) Ta-da! :'''Randy''': Ripped off again. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Hey, where's Meat Mountain there? :'''Frylock''': You mean Meatwad. :'''Carl''': Oh no, they were callin' 'im Meat Mountain last night. :'''Shake''': Okay, I'm gonna go. :'''Frylock''': You're not going anywhere Shake. :'''Carl''': Yeah, ya gotta come check this out man. Igloo, hot dog, igloo, that bit. But the whole time the stripper's shakin' it in front of 'im. :'''Frylock''': My goodness! Where was this?! :'''Carl''': The warehouse in front of Girls For You, you know, the lingerie modeling place. :'''Frylock''': Uh, no, I don't know Carl. :'''Carl''': Well-ell, twenty bucks, twenty minutes. I'm tellin' ya, one Friday night, you and me Fry-man, blow the lid off the joint! Yeah-heh! :'''Frylock''': I don't think so Carl. :'''Carl''': What, you gay? <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': You sold Meatwad to the circus, didn't you?! :'''Shake''': Every day I buy and sell people like you! But no, I did not do that. But based on what I'm hearing here, someone may have. :'''Frylock''': How much, Shake? :'''Shake''': Two. :'''Frylock''': Two? Two what? :'''Shake''': Two dollars. What? What's wrong with that? :''[cut to Shake, Frylock, and Carl at the circus, where Shake sees the price of admission]'' :'''Shake''': Two dollars and fifty cents! Are they out of their minds?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Look, I don't work my ass off for twenty hours a week so I can throw my money away, that's wasteful! These bills are strictly for me to kiss...and slip in some stripper's underwear, so come on! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Wow, the crowd is really getting off on this. :'''Carl''': Well, that's great. I'm so happy for 'em. Where are the strippers?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': Yeah, you the supervisor? Where were the strippers? :'''Randy''': Didn't need 'em. Meat Mountain pulls in the crowd all by himself. :'''Carl''': Well you give me back my $2.50, 'cause I ain't payin' for something that happens every day on the hood of my car! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Randy, he ''[Shake]'' ain't from space. :'''Randy''': Yeah, I know little guy, cause I'm the prince of Jupiter. :'''Meatwad''': You never told me that. :'''Randy''': See, years ago my dad sent me down here to conquer your species by ''infiltrating'' your gene pool, know what I mean? ''[chuckles]'' Know what I mean? :'''Meatwad''': No :'''Randy''': Well...when a man and woman love each other...physically...outside of a bar. :'''Meatwad''': Which bar? <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Listen to me Randy, it doesn't matter if you're white, or black, or a sasquatch even. As long as you follow your dreams, no matter how crazy or against the law it is. Except for sasquatch, if you're a sasquatch the rules are different. :'''Randy''': Forget it Meatwad, I'm a circus freak, and that's all I'll ever be. :'''Meatwad''': ...Whatever. <hr width=50%/> :''[Shake comes disguised As Meatwad]'' :'''Shake''': Hey, look at me! I'm stupid as hell, I can't even breathe properly, let alone read! What's that? :'''Randy''': And now.. the Amazing Arctic Igloo! :'''Shake''': What?! :'''Frylock''': Yeah, turn into that Igloo! :'''Carl''': Take your top off!! :'''Frylock''': Carl... :'''Randy''': Yeah..so..where is that, Milkshake? :'''Shake''': Well I uh.. ''(takes off his costume and shows it's really him in disguise with hair under his eyes)'' Look it's the Amazing Milkshake with the Bearded Eyes!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': And I'll tell you something else Frylock, I did not see one computer in that whole camp. :'''Frylock''': Yeah, yeah. Say, have you noticed that Indian burial ground that's coming up through our drain again? :'''Meatwad''': Nah, that's Inside-out Boy. He just needs a place to stay for a few days. :'''Shake''': Whoo, I just ate a whole bathtub full of cherry cobbler. It was delicious. :'''Meatwad''': ...You're joking, right? :'''Shake''': No, I'm not. :'''Meatwad''': ...NOOOOOOOOO!!! <hr width+50%/> ===Love Mummy=== <hr width=50%/> :''[Mummy is yelling in the basement]'' :'''Frylock''': Shake? ''[Yelling Continues]'' Shake! Turn those damn monster movies down-- ''[Notices nobody in the living room]'' Shake? :''[Master Shake and Meatwad enter living room]'' :'''Master Shake''': Who's watching my TV? Because I... :'''Meatwad''': I bought the damn TV! :'''Frylock''': Will you two shut up and listen? ''[Yelling Continues]'' It sounds like it's coming from the floor. :'''Master Shake''': ''[beats the floor with a broomstick]'' Will you SHUT UP?! You hear me?! It's three o'clock in the morning and I need to sleep! ''[Frylock knocks him out with chloroform]'' :'''Meatwad''': Hey, can I have some of that? :'''Frylock''': Just go to sleep and we'll deal with it in the morning. :'''Meatwad''': Yeah sure, I'll just go to sleep and tomorrow morning I'm gonna call me a social worker. ''[Frylock prepares a dose of chloroform]'' And tell him I'm in unfit living conditions and the city will be over here so fast tha-- oh. ''[Knocked out by chloroform]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': No, here's a better idea: Hell no. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Why does he get a lobster? :'''Frylock''': 'Cause he's the mummy, damn it! Now shut up! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Do you know what time it is, huh? It's 2:30 in the afternoon, and people are trying to sleep. ''[Notices the mummy]'' Whose mummy? :'''Frylock''': I found it in the crawlspace. :'''Master Shake''': So you were the one doing all the moaning when I was trying to sleep, huh? :''[Mummy giggles]'' :'''Master Shake''': Shake, you don't wanna piss him off. He has the power to curse you. :'''Meatwad''': Do it, Shake. Piss him off. :'''Master Shake''': I'll do what I want, when I want, and how I want, and no mummy— you hear me, Band-Aid... :'''Meatwad''': Here it comes. :'''Master Shake''': No mummy is gonna tell me what to do. :'''Mummy''': '''Curse! Curse!! CURSE!!!''' :'''Meatwad''': Oh, damn. :'''Master Shake''': You done? We all done... :'''Mummy''': '''CURSE!!!''' :'''Master Shake''': Now are you done? :'''Mummy''': Yes. :'''Master Shake''': Cause I'm done listening to you. I got a curse for you. It's called, "tomorrow morning, your ass is outta here." I'm going back to bed! :'''Mummy''': Curse. :'''Master Shake''': I heard it already! I know! It's a friggin' curse! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Shake, I think he may have cursed you. :'''Master Shake''': ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, je-ya think? Cuz, I mean, he only said it about a thousand times! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': (reading) "The curse of the mummy is just a figure of speech. Vomiting locusts for a thousand years is just an old wives tale. The ''real'' curse of the mummy is that he is completely socially inept, devoid of all manners, gold-digging, manipulative, and a selfish brat. Don't ever wake him unless you have a lot of time and money on your hands. Thank you for buying ''Mummies for Dummies''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': ''[Wearing the Mummy's Hat]'' I'm the King! King Carl! :'''Mummy''': ''[Yelling in the Background]'' :'''Carl''': ''[Mimicing Egyptian Music]'' Da da da da daaa, you know I'm your ruler! :'''Mummy''': CURSE! CUUURSE! :'''Carl''': Huh hun huh hee, yeah ''[Mummy continuing to yell]'' SHUT UP! <hr width+50%/> ===Dumber Days=== :'''Meatwad''': Shoot, I'm so dumb as hell I'll never get hired in today's fast-paced world. I'm just gonna go inside and wait for my body to die. :'''Schoolly D''': ''[Narrating]'' Aw, c'mon Meatwad, you can't be that dumb. :''[Pan to Meatwad inside Carl's bedroom]'' :'''Meatwad''': What, is this not my room? :'''Carl''': What do you think? :'''Meatwad''': ......Yes? :''[Carl throws Meatwad out the window]'' :'''Schoolly D''': Well, damn. Maybe Meatwad ''is'' that dumb. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Wait a second. This ain't no brain, this is a damn bee's nest. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': A book?! No sir! Shake says that books is from the devil, and that TV is twice as fast. :'''Frylock''': Twice as fast at what? :'''Meatwad''': Information. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[Reading from ''"The Tiniest Bullfrog"'']'' Jeremy the Bullfrog lived in a tiny swamp on the edge of town. Every day he would dream of playing professional basketball. But he lived in a swamp, far away from the city lights and a major market team. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': One look at Niels Bohr's atomic model makes it abundantly clear that there is a way to pass through solid matter. So in summation, we can have our daily tea-party in the fifth dimension. :'''Frylock''': Knock-knock. Well, I hope I'm--OH MY GOD! :''[Meatwad is about 10-15 times his usual size]'' :'''Meatwad''': Frylock, what a pleasant surprise. I'm just finishing up my symposium. You've met my colleagues, Professor Vanessa and Dr. Dewey. :'''Frylock''': Yeah, what happened to your body, man?! :'''Meatwad''': Well, it's obvious, isn't it? Thermal expansion. :'''Frylock''': No, it's not thermal expansion. I know what thermal expansion is. :'''Meatwad''': Okay, fine, I'm sure that you do. Let's see.. how can I explain this without blowing your mind. :'''Frylock''': Oh yes, please. Dumb it down for me. :'''Meatwad''': Heisenburg's Uncertainty Principle tells us that at a specific curvature of space, knowledge can be transferred into energy-- :'''Frylock''': Heisenburg's Uncertainty--! :'''Meatwad''': ...and this is key now...matter. :'''Frylock''': No it does not! :'''Meatwad''': Well, some people struggle with Heisenburg. ''[pulls out a yo-yo]'' Look, here's a toy. It goes up and down on a string. Doesn't that look like fun? :'''Frylock''': ''[knocks yo-yo away]'' Get that out of my face! :'''Meatwad''': Why don't you take that into the other room while the adults are doing important research here. :'''Frylock''': Oh, I'm sorry Professor! I didn't realize knowledge could also transform you into an arrogant ass! <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': ''[levitating a boy in a car with his mind]'' Quiet! I need complete concentration or the child will die. <hr width=50%/> :''[Carl's car crashes on his roof]'' :'''Carl''': Ohh, do not tell me that that is my car up there on the roof! :'''Meatwad''': Okay, we won't. :'''Carl''': Get it down! :'''Meatwad''': Okay. :'''Carl''': Wait, wait no don't! ''[car crashes to the ground]'' DAMMIT! ===Interfection=== <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr Weird''': ''(his head has shrunk and speaking in a high pitch voice)'' GENTLEMEN! TURN IT ON! :'''Steve''': Okay. ''(pushes a button to pump Dr Weird's head)'' :'''Dr Weird''' ''(head gets bigger and bigger)'' ''TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Plaque is a figment of the liberal media and the dental industry to scare you into buying useless appliances and pastes. Now, I've read the arguments on both sides, and I haven't found any evidence yet to support the need to brush your teeth. ''Ever.'' :'''Meatwad''': I don't know how you'd know; you ain't got no teeth. :'''Master Shake''': Well, I got rid of my teeth at a young age, because...I'm straight. Teeth are for gay people. That's why fairies come and get 'em. :'''Meatwad''': If teeth make me gay then sign me up, 'cause I wish I had 'em. <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': Computer, search for teeth and plaque conspiracy ''(pause),'' and Metallica. :'''Meatwad''': And Justin Timberlake. ''[Shake ignores him]'' Do a search for Justin Timberlake. ''[Shake continues to ignore him]'' ... J-U-S-- :'''Shake''': Please hush up. The search needs complete silence to work. :'''Meatwad''': Oh shoot, I forgot. I'm sorry. :'''Master Shake''': Well, I'm sorry, but if ''you'' can't learn that little lesson, then someone's going to get their little mouth stabbed shut with skewers! And then we'll see how easily the axe slices through the meat! :''[Meatwad's eyes get big, then he starts bawling.]'' :'''Master Shake''': All right, okay. Maybe that was a little huge. Listen, I would never hit you with an axe... :''[Meatwad's sobs subside as he pauses for a second and looks up at Master Shake]'' :'''Master Shake''': ...when you had skewers stabbed through your mouth. :''[Meatwad immediately resumes crying.]'' :'''Master Shake''': I would think one or the other would be enough. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': All right! Five point nine percent over APR! You don't get that every day! :'''Master Shake''': Are you kidding?! With APR like that I could just die! <hr width=50%/> :'''Shake''': Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that I was in the Supreme frickin' Court here! :'''Meatwad''': Yeah. Neither did I. :'''Shake''': Should I have my lawyer present for my frickin' trial?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Is it hot, girl-on-girl action? <hr width=50%/> :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': It's so easy to use, and the surgery to implant it in the base of your skull is so painless, it's no wonder I'm #1! <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': [appears on a monitor] Hello there, Internet Cyberville. Hey, if your watching this right now, I'm running outta oxygen and I seriously need to get to my bathroom, WHICH IS CURRENTLY BEING BLOCKED BY SOME STUPID ASS HIT-THE-MONKEY THING! [pop-up falls on Carl's fingers cutting them] Oh god! <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': Hey listen, could you get me some chicks that ''don't'' have the ZZ Top Lumberjack look? If I wanted to date Sasquatch, I'd call your mother. Ha-ha! <hr width=50%/> :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': But the skull implant comes in this decorative tin. :'''Frylock''': Decorate ''this!'' ''[uses eye lasers to blow up pop-up ad for the tin]'' :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': Okay, okay, okay, okay! Fine! Fine. Don't use our service. Get left in the digital dust! But remember, you could have won a Porsche. <hr width=50%/> :'''Wwwyzzerdd''': And after this 90-day trial, you will be judged and sentenced to a lifetime of interactive sports, news, and information. And we will continue to draw from your account, because banks don't care. It's not their money. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': I'm tired of livin' in this tree, now. How long till we gonna go home? :'''Frylock''': Two more weeks. :'''Meatwad''': TWO MORE WEEKS?! :'''Frylock''': Shut up and eat your squirrel meat! :'''Shake''': Squirrel meat, bleh. :''[Pop up ads begin to appear as the Wwwyzzerdd cackles in the background]'' :'''Shake''': What? I got wireless. ''[Hits an ad]'' What? ===PDA=== :'''Shake''': Someone stole my PDA, and I will ruin this house with my anger! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': Look Shake, people usually get a PDA when they have a job, and friends, and a life! :'''Shake''': Look, you, you, you happen to have no idea what I do for a living do you? :'''Frylock''': You're damn right I don't! I saw you boil a hot dog today. Did you get paid for that?! :'''Shake''': Because I don't have access to my scheduling book, because my PDA's gone! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': Wha, oh come on! We're lookin' for my thing, together, we're like buds, it's cool. Hey, you fly. You go, why don't you go check the gutters. :'''Frylock''': But, why would it be up in the gutters, Shake? :'''Shake''': That's where your DVD burner ended up, when it decided not to work. :'''Frylock''': Oh, I ''damn'' sure better not find that up there! :'''Master Shake''': Well, that's the last place I remember chucking it. :''[Frylock flies to the roof.]'' :'''Frylock''': ''[yelling]'' Hey! Dammit! You did throw my DVD burner up here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': I have some parents, Frylock? :'''Frylock''': Hell no, you don't have any damn parents! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': This is your captain speaking and welcome to the glass-bottom boat ride at the world famous Trenton Tar Pits. I just wanna let you all know I'm a convicted sex offender. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Tar, well, I tell ya if I wanna smell like a shingle, I go get my frisbee and my tanktop and my [[w:Captain EO|Captain EO]] out of the gutter. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frylock''': There ain't nothin' down here but tar and a condom wrapper! This is gross! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': All right, and I'm back, ladies and gentlemen. They won't be bothering us anymore. I chased them off with my nudity...does that arouse anyone down there, or... :'''Meatwad''': What does that mean? :'''Frylock''': It means that we're gonna get off this boat right now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': Okay, and we've docked...and I feel a little sexy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain''': Who down there wants to meet the captain? And feel sexy with him. :'''Meatwad''': Oooh, I do, I wanna meet the captain! :'''Frylock''': No, you don't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shake''': Ah, jee whiz! This is the greatest gift I ever got in my life that I never wanted ever! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Romulox''': Oh, I didn't see your knock-offs there, nice. Are you goin' for the ironic look, or the look-I-don't-have-any-money look? :'''Shake''': I don't know, which one would you do? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': What's wrong with your elbow? :'''Romulox''': Oh, you didn't get that surgery. I'm sorry. :'''Meatwad''': We don't have insurance. :'''Romulox''': Only two people have the easy-flow elbow, and one of them happens to be named [[w:Bruce Willis|Bruce Willis]]. <hr width+50%/> ===Mail Order Bride=== :'''Frylock''': Santa's coming tonight Meatwad, so I really need your Christmas list— :'''Meatwad''': Here. :'''Frylock''': …and if you've been a good boy this year, you may just get this…this L-shaped thing. :'''Meatwad''': No, see, what that is, is a hair dryer. :'''Frylock''': You want a hair dryer? :'''Meatwad''': Yeah. :'''Frylock''': For what? You don't have any- :'''Meatwad''': Keep reading, next to the hair dryer. :'''Frylock''': This—this is a squiggle. :'''Meatwad''': No, that's hair. You read it backwards, fool. So go get it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Oh, man. I cannot wait. I got the oils, the candles, the works! When does that babe get here? :'''Master Shake''': Carl, don't refer to her as a "babe", please. She is a Chechnyan prostitute, and you will address her as such. :'''Carl''': Look, just don't cash that check immediately. I wanna make sure that both of us marryin' her is gonna be, you know, legal. :'''Master Shake''': Of course it is! What are you kidding me? Santa Claus ain't legal and he's around. :'''Carl''': Well, I guess that makes sense, you know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': Look merry, dammit! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meatwad''': Shoo, that sure was a good sleep I had. WHERE ARE THE DAMN PRESENTS?! :'''Frylock''': It's 4:00 in the afternoon Meatwad, that wasn't Santa. :'''Meatwad''': Well, you know, maybe Santa's just gettin' a jump start on things this year. 'Cause, you know, statistics they show that there are more people in the world today. That's China's fault. :'''Frylock''': Where do you get this information? :'''Meatwad''': Regis. <hr width="50%"/> :''[on a ladder]'' :'''Carl''': Look, would you just hold it with your hands?! :'''Master Shake''': I can do two things at the same time, chubby. :'''Carl''': No, ya can't! :'''Master Shake''': ''[reading a magazine to himself]'' Huey Lewis making a comeback! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Carl has broken his neck.]'' :'''Carl''': Hey, get back here! I think I need some help here! :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, I know you do. :''[Master Shake walks away.]'' :'''Carl''': Get back here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Shake''': Well, there ain't gonna be no dinner this year. :'''Frylock''': What about your girlfriend. I thought she was gonna cook. :'''Master Shake''': "Co-fiancee." Let's get it right, please. :'''Frylock''': "Co-"? :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, you know, I'll split her with Carl. So he's "co-owner." :'''Frylock''': You're depraved. :'''Master Shake''': Yes, thank you, I think she sees that quality in me. But that damn Carl is so Selfish. :'''Meatwad''': Carl should remember the reason for the season. :'''Master Shake''': The reason for the season is pleasin and I ain't gettin much pleasin and Carl better get his ass with the program. :'''Carl''': Get with what program, Cup? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Hey fry-man, you think I can get you to come over here and uh, blow a frickin' hole in my wall? :'''Frylock''': What's wrong, Carl? :'''Carl''': Well, for starters, she's barricaded herself inside the house. And every time she talks to me, it's in this, like, language. It's like some demon yelling at me, or something! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Schoolly D''': Santa Claus got barbeque sauce in his drawers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Okay, I'm awake. Let's, uh, friggin go get married. :'''Meatwad''': Oh Good! :'''Master Shake''': Yeah, brotha! :'''Carl''': Let's get married, yeah! :''[at Carl's house]'' :'''Frylock''': And do you, Svetlana... what does this say? :'''Carl''': Look, just say Smith or Jones or something... there's no way you can pronounce that right. :'''Frylock''': Svetlana Smith take Carl... :'''Carl''': Just say Smith again, it don't matter... none of this matters. :'''Frylock''': ...Smith to be your lawfully wedded husband... :'''Master Shake''': Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! :'''Frylock''': ...to honor... :'''Master Shake''': Back up! Rewind! :'''Frylock''': ...take Carl, and Master Shake... :'''Master Shake''': That's more like it. :'''Frylock''': to be your lawfully wedded husbands as long as you three shall live. :'''Svetlana''': ''[speaking Russian, from inside Carl's house]'' :'''Carl''': Alright, yeah! :'''Master Shake''': Alright, score! :'''Carl''': Sweet nectar! :'''Frylock''': Okay, now shove the ring under the door. :'''Master Shake''': No, we're not doing the ring, I'm not gettin' roped into all that. :'''Frylock''': How can you not have a ring? :'''Master Shake''': No, it ends here. I haven't seen food once since she's shown up. :'''Carl''': He's right, let's do this thing - light this candle. :'''Frylock''': By the power invested in me by the state of New Jersey I now pronounce you men and wife. You may now kiss the door. :'''Master Shake''': Blow it open Frylock. :'''Carl''': Do it! :'''Svetlana''': [speaking Russian; escapes] :'''Carl''': Svetlana, baby? :'''Master Shake''': Great! Great! :'''Carl''': Oh Man! She got the car. :'''Meatwad''': Well technically, it's half hers now, right? Or a third, I don't know. :'''George''': Introducing the new Misters and Mrs. Bertwoski! :'''Carl''': It's Brutananadilewski! And you get the hell out of here! :'''Master Shake''': No way, you are staying! We got him til two. <hr width+50%/> ===Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future=== :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Now in the future, the past has occurred. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': You're the Ghost of Christmas Past...right? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': That is correct. :'''Carl''': Okay, well...I mean, you know that it's February...right? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[pause]'' I am a robot. :'''Carl''': Well, you know, obviously. What are you, stupid? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[stutters]'' I will see you in December, tomorrow! :'''Carl''': Okay, whatever there, just lock your door on the way- :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[breaks through the wall]'' Do what? :'''Carl''': Nevermind, just leave! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Flashback to Carl's house on Christmas in the 1960s]'' :'''Carl''':''[opening his present]'' Oh boy oh boy oh boy I hope this is a new mommy! :'''Carl's Dad''': Yeah, it's not. Hurry up and open it, ya little creep, we gotta be at work in an hour. :'''Carl''': What is this, is this carpet, daddy? :'''Carl's Dad''': Carpet? No. That's [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Berber_carpet berber], its an industry term. :'''Carl''': Hey, look it's a magic flyin' carpet! Look at me, I'm flyin' around in Egyptland! :'''Carl's Dad''':''[cuts Carl off]'' Yeah, that's cute. Don't get too attached there, Aladdin, 'cause its about to be magic flyin' dinner. :'''Carl''':''[looking worried]'' Y-you can't eat carpet... Silly Daddy. :'''Carl's Dad''': Hehe, not like that you can't. You gotta boil it, till the glue gets soft.:''[looks at his watch]'' Oh jeez, look at the time! :'''Carl''': But it's Christmas, Daddy! :'''Carl's Dad''': You're not getting out of this one! Put on your work boots and your respirator! I pulled ''A LOT'' of strings to get them to hire an 8 year old. :'''Carl''':''[Muttering to himself]'' Don't make me go, I don't wanna make insulation... :'''Carl's Dad''': ''C'MON, WE'RE LATE!!!!'' :'''Carl''': OH GOD! :''[Robot appears and lasers shoot everywhere]'' :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': You remember that Christmas, don't you? :'''Carl''': Yeah, well, you know, I remember eating carpet. Not so much the, uh, lasers and the robots. <hr width=50%/> :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': And that is where babies come from … for machines. :'''Meatwad''': Boy, that's some story. That...kinda is different from what I been told about people loving each other...and, you know, physically... :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': No! That is very wrong! You cling to your pathetic fable of fluid exchange. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': (after finding his swimming pool filled with blood) It looks like someone wrung a herd of cows through a juicer or something! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': Wait, wait...who unionized? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Wouldn't you like to know? Probably yo mama. <hr width=50%/> :'''Meatwad''': Man, it makes me sad they had to open their gifts in front of an ape and they were all made out of doodoo. What kinda Christmas is that?! :'''Frylock''': It's okay Meatwad. This is all a bunch of bull. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': You don't believe? :'''Frylock''': Believe what? That you're a ghost and Santa Claus is an ape? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever- :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''Was'' an ape. Now he is a machine! :'''Meatwad''': I left cookies and a glass of milk FOR A MACHINE?!! :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': No man, he's an ape. ''[They look at him questioningly]'' I mean, wait he is a machine! You were trying to mess me up on purpose! <hr width=50%/> :'''Frylock''': But I thought everyone back then was undeveloped? Couldn't make machines with their crinkled hands. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Well the elves came from the red planet, and there was much defecation. :'''Frylock''': Yeah, yeah, you mentioned that. How long ago did you say this was? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': ''[Fog rolls in]'' Thousands of years ago- :'''Frylock''': Oh shut up! You still haven't explained why the pool is filled with elf blood! :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': I told you earlier, it was the Great Circuiting. :'''Frylock''': You didn't mention no "Great Circuiting". :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Oh, I didn't? ''[pause]'' Thousands of years ago... <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Shake''': I hate to be a buzz kill, but he said that your house is on elf graves and they're pissed off. :'''Carl''': All right, fine, we'll do that. :'''Meatwad''': And the blood's just gonna keep flowing, unless …. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Unless Carl pays tribute to the Elfin Elders in space. :'''Carl''': I'll do it. What do I do? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': You must give up yourself to the Great Red Ape. :'''Carl''': Okay … how much? :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': Sexually. :'''Carl''': … wonderful. <hr width=50%/> :'''Carl''': What did you say your name was again? :'''Glenn Danzig''': Danzig, mother fucker! I got a question: can you make the blood flow up the walls? :'''Carl''': Lemme go talk to my blood guy over here. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': I don't see why not. :'''Carl''': That's elf blood, too. That ain't cheap-- :'''Glenn Danzig''': How much you want? :'''Carl''': Oh, I dunno...a million? :'''Glenn Danzig''': Killer. Draft the check tomorrow. :'''Carl''': You're serious--THANK YOU GOD!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Glenn Danzig''': Now look, you listen to me as hard as you fucking can. That fucking robot came with the fuckin' house, and now he's fucking gone! If you see that mother-- :'''Master Shake''': Oh, don't worry, we'll tell you! :'''Glenn Danzig''': You fucking better. If I find out he's over here, I'm gonna be eating my cereal out of the bottom of your fuckin' skull! Verstandlich?!! ''[Glenn walks away]'' :'''Master Shake''': Ok. So... thank you :'''Meatwad''': ''[To Cybernetic Ghost]'' Hey you come out now. He's gone. :'''Cybernetic Ghost''': (about Danzig) I cannot live with that guy. He is ''so'' annoying, he is ''so'' frightening, and he doesn't wear a shirt. :'''Master Shake''': You make our house bleed right now! ==External links== {{wikipedia|Aqua Teen Hunger Force (season 1)|Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 1)}} *[http://video.adultswim.com/aqua-teen-hunger-force/ ''Aqua Teen Hunger Force''] at Adult Swim *{{imdb title||Aqua Teen Hunger Force}} [[Category:Aqua Teen Hunger Force seasons]] {| class="wikitable" border="1" style="width:100%; text-align: center;" | width="30%" | <small>N/A</small> | width="30%" | '''''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]'' [[w:List of Aqua Teen Hunger Force episodes|seasons]]''' | width="30%" | Succeeded by<br>'''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 2)|Season 2]]''' |} {{Adult Swim}} 46jhxk61rrx3h6jcjlsayup7wcwmmtv 0 102952 3158053 3140564 2022-08-26T03:13:15Z 2601:81:C400:D200:ECB9:53FE:F8C7:1B83 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''{{w|Monsters vs. Aliens}}''''' is a 2009 3D computer animated film produced by [[w:Dreamworks Animation|DreamWorks Animation]] and distributed by [[w:Paramount Pictures|Paramount Pictures]]. It tells the story of a woman who after being hit by a meteor, is granted super strength and a near fifty-foot height by the foreign element contained within it. She is captured and imprisoned by the government until she and a squad of other imprisoned monsters are called upon to fend off an invading alien attack. :''Directed by Conrad Vernon and Rob Letterman. Screenplay by Maya Forbes, Wallace Wolodarsky, Rob Letterman, Jonathan Aibel, and Glenn Berger. Story by Rob Letterman and Conrad Vernon.'' {{center|'''When aliens attack, monsters fight back.''' <small>[[#Taglines|Taglines]]</small>}} ==Gallaxhar== * The Omega Quadrant?! ''Lame, lame, lame, lame, lame, lame, lame, lame, lame, lame, lame, '''LAME!!!''''' * Extract the Quantonium with extreme prejudice. I want it all. Every last drop! * Nothing can stand in my way now! * ''[looking at Susan on a monitor]'' Uh, you think because you're all big and strong, and you can destroy my robot probe, that you're gonna send me running and hiding?! My days of running and hiding are over. Computer set a course to Earth! I will retrieve the Quantonium myself... even if I need to rip it out of her body, one cell at a time! * ''[Susan tries to escape his forcefield''] Don't bother, that forcefield is impenetrable-- ''[Susan smashes her fist through, nearly hitting Gallaxhar]'' What the flagnog? * ''[telling his life-story; is constantly interrupted by his cloning machine pressing him down]'' Many zentons ago, when I was but a squidling, I found out that my parents were... No child should ever have to endure that!! So I went on the road, with a giant... And soon thereafter was married! Things were going well until she wanted... And I was all "No way", and she was all "Yes way", and I was like... But I've told you too much already! * Let the birth of my new planet - now called... "Gallaxhar's... Planet" begin!! * Humans of Earth! I have come in peace. You need not fear me. I mean you no harm. However, it may be important to know that most of you will not survive the next 24 hours. And those of you who do survive will be enslaved and experimented on. You should in no way take any of this personally — it's just business! So, just to recap: I come in peace, I mean you no harm, and you all will die. Gallaxhar out. * Attention, all aliens, [[Destroy All Monsters|destroy all monsters]]! * Uh, Spaceballs! Divert the Quantonium to the bridge, and prepare my escape capsule! * Are you crazy?! You could have killed me! * Like I told you before, you should have defeated me when you had the Quantonium! Have fun exploding!! * ''[last lines]'' Come on, come on!! == Susan Murphy / Ginormica == * ''[as she grows, the wedding guests flee in terror]'' Wait, wait, everybody! It’s okay! Have some champagne while we're figuring this out! * ''[seeing Gallaxhar's gigantic robot probe]'' I can't fight that thing! I never... I can't even... ''[gasping]'' I'm hyperventilating! Does anybody have a giant paper bag?! * Three weeks ago, if you had asked me to fight an alien robot, I would have said "No can do!" But I did it! Me! I'm still buzzing! Did you see how strong I was? There's probably not a jar in this world I can't open! * ''[to her mother, after B.O.B. hugs her and nearly suffocates her in his gelatinous body]'' Sorry, Mom. He's a hugger. * Doctor, I'd prefer that you didn't do your mad scientist laugh while I'm hooked up to this machine. * Fresno! Fresno... In what universe is Fresno better than Paris, Derek? * This is Susan Murphy, saying, "Goodbye, Derek!" == Dr. Cockroach, Ph.D == * [''to Susan''] Whatever mad scientist made you... he really went all-out. * They called me crazy! But I'll show them! I'll show them all! [''does a classic "mad scientist" laugh''] * I'm ''not'' a quack, I'm a mad scientist! There's a difference. * You can't crush a cockroach! [''laughs maniacally''] * We will think that the new Susan is the cat's "me-wow"! [''chuckles for a brief moment; no reaction from anyone else''] I'm sorry. * Anyone care for an atomic gin fizz? It's got quite a... [''the gin explodes''] ...kick. * [''After the ruined party''] At least the garbage was free. * [''to after they rescue her''] My dear, no matter what your size you'll always be... [''notices the Gallaxhar clones coming and pulls Susan down, shaking her''] ...Nothing but a filthy carbon based lifeform! * [''dancing off against Gallaxhar's computer''] One thing you don't know about me, my dear! My Ph.D is in... dance! * By [[Stephen Hawking|Hawking]]'s chair! == The Missing Link == * I know what you're thinking: first day in prison, you want to take on the toughest guy in the yard? Well, I'd like to see you try. * [''lifting weights''] One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight... [''notices Susan''] Uh, 999, 1,000. Phew! I can not believe I did ten sets! * [''walking outside for the first time in decades''] It's a little hotter than I remember. Has the Earth gotten warmer? That'd be great to know, it would be a very [[w:An Inconvenient Truth|convenient truth]]. * Finally some action! I'm gonna turn this over-sized tin can into a... really dented over-sized tin can... * Re-lax. Old Link's got this all under control. * ''[swims through the sewers, as he gets out he bangs his head on the lid]'' OW!! ''[he slowly removes the lid and climbs out]'' Yep, that hurt... ''[is suddenly hit by Dr. Cockroach's rocket-powered trolley car]'' * Does anybody have a 20 on Insectosaurus? * Papa's a little outta shape... * [''at Susan's party, Link turns on some music and tries to mingle''] How's it going? ...Ca' Pasa, Girlfriend? ...Way to cut up a rug, Insecto'! ''[Insectosaurus is slowly bouncing around]'' * Who wants to go for a swim with the Link? * ''[emerges from a swimming pool, walking in a zombie-like manner and scaring people, screaming in pain]'' OOOOOOOW!! CHLORINE!!!! '''CHLORINE!!! ''CHLORINE IN MY EYES!!!''''' * Uh, who are we kidding? We could save every city on the planet, and they'd still treat us like they've always treated us... like ''monsters''. == B.O.B == * ''[On brains and his lack of one]'' Turns out, you don't need one! Totally overrated! * ''[to Gallaxhar's robot probe; making signs to match his words, similar to Gromit from ''The Curse of the Were-Rabbit'']'' Hello! Hi! Howya doing? Welcome! We are here to destroy you! * What happened to the "there isn't a jar in the world I can't open" stuff? Wait! Did you find a jar that you ''couldn't'' open? What was in it? Were there pickles in it? Where's the giant jar of pickles? * ''[to a plate of Jello]'' Hi, I'm Benzoate Ostylezene Bicarbonate, or you can call me B.O.B, whichever's easier. ''[the Jello wobbles slightly]'' Did I come on too strong? I'm sorry, I'm a little rusty, I've been in prison my whole life— Why did I mention ''prison? [slams his fist on the table, making the Jello shake]'' Uh, I didn't mean to scare you! I'm just gonna go... Oh, I feel so stupid! * ''[to Susan]'' I don't think your parents like me. And I think that Jello gave me a fake phone number. * I may not have a brain, gentlemen, but I have an idea. * What are they running away from? * ''[as the monsters' rather pathetic disguises actually fool Gallaxhar's clones]'' These disguises are "da ''bomb''"! * ''[Confronting Derek, as if he were dating him rather than Susan]'' Derek, you are a selfish jerk, and guess what? I've met someone else! She's limegreen, she has 14 little chunks of pineapple inside her, and she is everything I deserve in life! I'm happy now, Derek! Without you! It's over! ''[Holds up the lime green jello he mentions and leaves triumphantly]'' * ''[To Susan, at the end of the movie]'' Wait, wait, wait, wa-wa-wait! You were dating Derek, too?! That two-timing jerk! == General Warren R. Monger == * ''[To Susan, when she asks if her parents even know where she is]'' No, and they never will! This place is an X-File, wrapped in a cover-up and deep-fried in paranoid conspiracy! There will be zero contact with the outside world. * Don't think of this as a prison. Think of it as a hotel that you can never leave, because it's locked from the outside! * I'm not gonna kid you, Mr. President. These are dark times. The odds are against us. We need a Hail Mary pass! We need raw power! We need... ''[close up on his mouth]'' monsters. * ''[after a cabinet member protests against his plan]'' You got a better idea, [[nerd]]? * ''[seeing Gallaxhar's robot]'' Oo-ee! Now ''that's'' a robot! Try not to damage it too much, monsters. I might take it back to the farm! * First stop, Modesto! Ginormica, I called your family to tell them you were coming home. I also called the Modesto PD, told 'em not to shoot at ya! * If I don't return for you, I'm either dead or late. * ''[After parachuting to the ground, his copilot is still clinging to him out of fear]'' You can let go of me now, Lieutenant. * ''[Addressing the monsters]'' I've been your warden for close to fifty years, but that's no longer the case. For what it's worth- ''[Salutes the monsters, a sign of respect]'' == President Hathaway == * I must approach it alone. This is all about "peaceful communication". * Commander! Do something violent! * So, that's how you wanna play it? Eat lead, alien robot! ''[fires three shots; the robot is heard munching on them]'' Evidently, they eat lead. Huh. ''[to a crowd]'' I am brave! I am a brave President! * Listen up! I'm not going to go down as the President who was in office when the world came to an end, so somebody think of something, and think of it fast! ''[sips coffee]'' That is a good cup of joe. * ''[after Monger gives a cabinet member a wedgie]'' Okay! ''[hides behind his chair]'' Stay where you are. General, I propose we go forward with your "monsters vs. aliens" idea... thingy. * Okay, someone set the terror level to Code Brown, because I need to change my pants! ==Jerry== * How many times do you have to tell me this? UFOs don't exist, and we're never gonna see one. * Holy Cheez-Its! What do we do?! No one ever told us what to do! '''THE ONLY REASON I TOOK THIS JOB BECAUSE YOU NEVER HAD TO DO ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''' * Supernova, this is [[w:Red Dwarf|Red Dwarf]]. We actually have one! Code [[w:Leonard Nimoy|Nimoy]]! I repeat! '''CODE NIMOY!!!!!!!!!!!!''' ==Jordan== * Hey, Jerry, you wanna check this one out. Uh, Palomar just picked up... Looks like some type of UFO and it's heading this way. * Wow, its energy signature is massive. * Jerry, stop it. Let me calculate its impact point. Looks like... Modesto, California. == Wendy Murphy == * ''[as Bob spits her out]'' I taste ham. * Uh, honey, ever since you were a little baby, I knew that someday... you would save the world from an alien invasion from outer space. == Others == * '''Wedding Guest''': ''[after Susan grows to her massive height]'' Here comes the bride! * '''Derek Deitl''': ''[rejecting Susan]'' Don't crush me for saying this, but I'm not looking to get married and spend the rest of my life in someone else's shadow. And you're casting a pretty big shadow. * '''TV Reporter''': Once again, a UFO has landed in America - the only country UFOs ever seem to land in! * '''Announcer''': Channel 172. == Dialogue == :'''Mama Dietl''': One thumb's shorter than the other. It runs in the family. :'''Susan''': Derek doesn't have that-- :'''Mama Dietl''': Ah, it skips a generation. But your kids are gonna have it! ''[laughs maniacally]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Cockroach''': ''[about B.O.B.]'' Forgive him, but as you can see, he has no brain. :'''B.O.B.''': Turns out, you don't need one! Totally overrated! As a matter of fact, I don't even have to... ''[starts gasping for air]'' I forgot how to breathe! Help me, Dr. Cockroach! :'''Dr. Cockroach''': ''[exasperated]'' Suck in, B.O.B. :'''B.O.B.''': ''[breathes normally]'' Thanks, Doc. You're a lifesaver. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Missing Link''': She's speechless! :'''B.O.B.''': "She"?! :'''Dr. Cockroach''': Yes, B.O.B., we are in the presence of a rare female monster. :'''B.O.B.''': No way, it's a boy! Look at his boobies! :''[Awkward silence]'' :'''Missing Link''': We need to have a talk. :'''Dr. Cockroach''': Gentlemen, I'm afraid we're not making a very good first impression. :'''Missing Link''': Well, at least I'm talking! First new monster in years, and we couldn't get, like, a wolfman or a mummy? You know, someone I can play cards with. :'''Dr. Cockroach''': Might we ask for your name, madam? :'''Susan''': Susan. :'''B.O.B.''': No, no, no, we mean your ''monster'' name. What do people scream when they see you coming? You know, like "Look out! Here comes..."? :'''Susan''': Susan. :''[Silence]'' :'''Dr. Cockroach''': Really? :'''B.O.B.''': ''[spookily]'' Susan! Ooh, I just scared myself! That is scary! :'''Missing Link''': Yes. Eat time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Susan''': ''[meeting General Monger]'' Uh, thank goodness! A real person! ''[notices his jetpack]'' You are a real person, right? You're not one of those half-person, half-machine, whatever you call those things? :'''General W.R. Monger''': A [[w:cyborg|cyborg]]? :'''Susan''': ''[panicked]'' Uh, no! You're a cyborg! :'''General W.R. Monger''': Ma'am, I can assure you I am not a cyborg. The name is General Warren R. Monger. I'm in charge of this facility. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Cockroach is building an atomic bomb from Legos]'' :'''Dr. Cockroach''': Uh, Susan. You wouldn't happen to have some uranium on you? I just need a smidge. :'''General W.R. Monger''': ''[on walkie-talkie]'' Rescind Dr. Cockroach's toybox privileges. Immediately. ''[Susan's cell door opens]'' We’ve had the prison psychologist redecorate your cell. ''[a poster reads “Hang in there!]'' Try to keep you all calm-like. :'''Susan''': ''[tearfully]'' But I don’t want a poster. I want a real kitten. Hanging from a real tree. ''[turns to General W. R. Monger]'' I wanna go home... :'''General W.R. Monger ''': Uh, come on, Little Debbie, please don’t cry. It makes my knees hurt. Don’t think of this as a prison! Think of it as a hotel you never leave because it’s locked from the outside! ''[Susan goes in her cell]'' Uh! And, uh, one other thing, the government has changed your name to Ginormica! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Cockroach has been trying to restore Ginormica to normal]'' :'''Missing Link''': You've been letting this quack experiment on you for the last month. :'''Dr. Cockroach''': I'm ''not'' a quack, I'm a mad scientist! There is a difference. :'''Ginormica''': Guys, what choice do I have? If he can make me normal, or even 6 foot 8, I can get out of here, go back to the life I'm supposed to have. I mean, I should be with Derek in... :'''Missing Link''': Let me guess, Fresno? :'''Ginormica''': Well, Fresno is just a stepping stone. Next stop: Milwaukee, then New York and then finally someday... :'''Missing Link''': Yeah, we know: Paris. :'''Ginormica''': Throw the switch, Doc, but... but don't do the laugh. :'''Dr. Cockroach''': Now you're going to feel a slight pinch in the brain. [''laugh briefly''] Sorry. [''turns on the machine, shocking the hooked up Susan a lot that he accidentally renders her temporarily unconscious''] Susan! ''Yoo-hoo''! :'''Ginormica''': Am I small again? :'''Dr. Cockroach''': I'm afraid not, my dear. [''the monsters jump off of Susan, whose hair is standing on end''] In fact, you may actually have grown a couple of feet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cuthbert''': Don't rush me, Katie; I'm just not ready. :'''Katie''': Oh, relax, Cuthbert, it's just like dancing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[President Hathaway goes to push a huge red button; all the advisers shout for him to not to]'' :'''Adviser Cole''': That button launches all of our nuclear missiles! :'''President Hathaway''': Well, then which button gets me a latte?! :'''Adviser Wedgie''': Err, that would be the ''other'' one, sir. :''[The camera zips back to show an identical button next to the first one; the President pushes it and serves himself a cup of coffee]'' :'''President Hathaway''': What idiot designed this thing? [''stares around accusingly''] :'''Adviser Wedgie''': You did, sir. :'''President Hathaway''': Fair enough. Wilson, fire somebody! :'''Wilson''': ''[off-screen]'' Yes, sir, Mr. President. <hr width="50%"/> :''[General Monger explains his private operation to the government, showing images and video clips along the way]'' :'''General W.R. Monger''': Over the last 50 years, I have captured monsters on the rampage and locked them up in a secret prison facility. So secret, that the mere mention of its name is a federal offense! :'''Advisor''': Is he referring to Area Fifty- ''[is shot in the neck with a tranquilizer dart and falls over]'' :'''General W.R. Monger''': Mr. President, say hello to Insectosaurus! ''[shows a tape of Insectosaurus going on a rampage in Tokyo. An aide drops a tray of china and screams.]'' Miss Ronson, please. Nuclear radiation turned him from a small grub into [[w:kaiju|a 350-foot tall monster that attacked Tokyo]]. Here we have the Missing Link... ''[Miss Ronson drops another tray of china and screams again.]'' ...A 20,000-year-old frozen fish-man who was thawed out by scientists. ''[shows a clip of the Missing Link's escape]'' He escaped and went on a rampage at his old watering hole... ''[shows a tape of the Missing Link on the beach in Florida]'' This handsome fellow is Dr. Cockroach, Ph.D, the most brilliant man in the world. He invented a scientific machine that would give humans the cockroach's ability to survive. ''[shows a black-and-white clip of Dr. Cockroach undergoing the experiment, giving himself his cockroach head]'' Unfortunately, there was a side-effect... ''[Miss Ronson drops yet another tray of china and screams yet again; Monger groans]'' Now, we call this thing B.O.B. ''[A fourth crash and a fourth scream.] '''WILL SOMEONE GET HER OUTTA HERE?!''' [Two men throw Miss Ronson out of the room off-screen.]'' Thank you! A genetically-altered tomato was combined with a chemically altered ranch-flavored dessert topping at a snack food plant. The resulting goop gained consciousness and became an indestructible gelatinous mass. And our latest addition, Ginormica. :''[He shows a picture of Susan at her failed wedding. Another high-pitched scream is heard, and it turns out to be the President's.]'' :'''President Hathaway''': ''[clears his throat]'' (Sorry about that.) General, continue. :'''General W.R. Monger''': Her entire body radiates with pure energy, giving her enormous strength and size. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After being promised their freedom if they defeat Gallaxhar's robot]'' :'''Ginormica''': Soon I'll be back in Derek's arms... or he'll be in mine. :'''Missing Link''': I can't wait for spring break back at Cocoa Beach, just freaking everybody out. :'''B.O.B.''': And I'll go back to my lab and finally finish my experiments. :'''Dr. Cockroach''': No, that's ''me'', B.O.B. :'''B.O.B.''': Then I'll be a really giant lady. :'''Dr. Cockroach''': That's Susan, B.O.B. :'''B.O.B.''': Fine. Then I'll go back to Modesto and be with Derek. :'''Missing Link''': That's still Susan. :'''B.O.B.''': I think I at least deserve a chance to be with Derek! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the robot steps toward them]'' :'''B.O.B.''': Will you look at the size of that- :'''Dr. Cockroach''': FOOT! :''[Cockroach and Link dive out of the way and the robot's foot steps on B.O.B., then comes up, with B.O.B. stuck to the sole.]'' :'''B.O.B.''': I got him, you guys! I got-! ''[step]'' Don't worry, I won't let go! I'm wearing him down- ''[step]'' Please tell me he's slowing down! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ginormica fights Gallaxhar's robot, while preventing bystanders' cars from falling off the bridge.]'' :'''B.O.B.''': Wow! [''two thumbs up''] You're doing great! :'''Ginormica''': ''[extremely annoyed]'' I'm doing everything! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Derek''': Wow! You really are big. :'''Ginormica''': Yeah, but I'm still me. I'm still the girl you fell in love with. :'''Derek''': Except you destroyed the Golden Gate Bridge. :'''Ginormica''': But that was the only way I could defeat the alien robot! Did you ever think I could do that?! :'''Derek''': No, I didn't. I can honestly say that it never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ''ever'' occurred to me. :'''Ginormica''': Look, I know this is all a little weird - okay, it's a lot weird - but I'm sure we can get through this. Together, we can find a way to get me back to normal. :'''Derek''': Susan, try to look at this from my perspective. I have an audience that depends on me for news, weather, sports and heart-warming fluff pieces. So you expect me to put all that on hold while you try to undo this thing that happened to you, that I had absolutely nothing to do with? :'''Ginormica''': Yes, that's exactly what I expect. What about the life we always wanted? Don't you still want that? :'''Derek''': Of course. I just, don't see... don't see how I can have that with you. :'''Ginormica''': ''[On the verge of tears]'' Derek, please. Don't do this. :'''Derek''': You have to face facts, Susan. And don't crush me for saying this, but I'm not looking to get married and spend the rest of my life on someone else's shadow. And you're casting a pretty big shadow. I'm sorry. It's over. Good luck, Susan. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Missing Link''': So, how was Derek? :'''Ginormica''': ...Derek's a selfish jerk. :'''B.O.B.''': No! :'''Ginormica''': Yes. All that talk about us - "I'm so proud of us", "Us just got a job in Fresno" - There was no us, it was just Derek. Why did I have to get hit by a meteor to see that? I was such an idiot! ''[kicks the roof of the gas station, sending B.O.B. flying]'' Why did I think life with Derek would be so great anyway?! I mean, look at all the stuff I've done without him. Fighting an alien robot? That was me, not him! And that was amazing! Meeting you guys... ''[gets down on her knees so she can be face-to-face with the other monsters]'' amazing. ''[turns to Dr. Cockroach]'' Dr. Cockroach! You can crawl up walls and build a super-computer out of a pizza box, two cans of hairspray, and-! :'''Dr. Cockroach''': And a paper clip! :'''Ginormica''': Amazing! ''[turns to Missing Link]'' And you! You hardly need an introduction; you're the Missing Link! You personally carried 250 co-eds off Cocoa Beach and still had the strength to fight off the National Guard! :'''Missing Link''': ''[proudly]'' And the Coast Guard! And also the lifeguard. :'''Ginormica''': Amazing! ''[B.O.B. lands next to the other monsters.]'' B.O.B.! ''[turns him around so he's facing her]'' Who else could fall from unimaginable heights and end up without a single scratch? :'''B.O.B.''': ''[points to Missing Link]'' Link? :'''Ginormica''': ''[correcting him]'' You. :'''B.O.B.''': Amazing! :''[Insectosaurus roars]'' :'''Missing Link''': Good point, Insecto'! Susan, don't shortchange yourself. :'''Ginormica''': Uh, I'm not gonna shortchange myself. ''[stands at full height again]'' Ever again. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gallaxhar''': You must be terrified. Waking up in a ''strange'' place, wearing ''strange'' clothes, imprisoned by a ''strange'' being on a ''strange'' hovering device? ''Strange'', isn't it? :'''Ginormica''': Hardly. It's not the first time. :'''Gallaxhar''': ''[Pauses, deflated]'' Wow. You really get around. To the extraction chamber! :''[The machine imprisoning Ginormica, who wears a skintight suit, begins to follow Gallaxhar through the ship]'' :'''Ginormica''': Look, what is it that you want with me? :'''Gallaxhar''': You have stolen what is rightfully mine! :'''Ginormica''': I didn't steal anything from you! (What are you talking about?) :'''Gallaxhar''': Your enormous, ''grotesque'' body contains quantonium, the most powerful substance in the universe. Did you really think you could keep it from me? :'''Ginormica''': That's what this is all about?! You destroyed San Francisco, you terrified millions of people, you killed my friend, just to get to me?! :'''Gallaxhar''': "Wha-ka-ka-ka-ka!" Silence! Your voice is grating on my earknubs! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gallaxhar''': ''[after extracting the quantonium from Ginormica, shrinking her back to human-size]'' Now I can finally rebuild my civilization on a new planet! Any ideas on where I could set up shop? ''Your'' planet, perhaps? :'''Ginormica''': You keep your slimy tentacles off my planet--! ''[tries to attack him, but he holds her back at tentacle-length]'' :'''Gallaxhar''': Or what? If you wanted to stop me, you should have done it when you possessed the quantonium. Now you're nothing. :'''Ginormica''': There are innocent people down there who haven't done anything! :'''Gallaxhar''': There were innocent people on ''my'' home planet, before it was destroyed! :'''Ginormica''': Look, I'm sorry your planet was destroyed— :'''Gallaxhar''': Uh, don't be! I'm the one who destroyed it. Confused? After I reveal my tale to you, everything will become crystal clear. Computer, initialize cloning machine! :'''Gallaxhar's Computer''': Yes, carefully. :''[Gallaxhar gets into the cloning machine with a mold that matches his body]'' :'''Gallaxhar''': Many zentons ago, when I was but a squidling, I found out that my parents were... ''[The machine closes down, scans his body and opens up again]'' No child should ever have to endure ''that!'' So I went on the road with a giant... ''[The machine closes down again and scans his body and opens up once again]'' ...And then thereafter was married! Things were going well. Until ''she'' wanted... ''[The machine closes down a third time and opens up]'' So then, I was all, "No way!" And then she was all, "Yes way!" And then I was like... ''[The machine closes down a fourth time and opens up]'' But I told you too much already! ''[steps out of the machine]'' Let the birth of my new planet called... Uh... Gallaxhar's Planet, begin! Yes, thank you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Cockroach''': ''[to Ginormica after they rescue her]'' My dear, no matter what your size, you'll always be... ''[notices the Gallaxhar clones coming and pulls Ginormica down by the suit, shaking her]'' nothing but a filthy carbon-based lifeform! :'''Gallaxhar Clones''': Hail Gallaxar. :'''Dr. Cockroach''': Hail Gallaxar. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gallaxhar addresses his army of clones]'' :'''Gallaxhar''': Clone! :'''All Gallaxhar clones''': Hail Gallaxar! :'''Gallaxhar''': No, no, no, not all of you, you there! ''[The clones look confused]'' Erm, how do I do this? Three back! ''[The clones move around confused]'' No, no, no, no, that guy... Next to you... The one I'm pointing at! You! The one! "Wha-ka-ka-ka-ka!" You! Clone, yes! Good! ''[One steps forward]'' Take the prisoner to the incinerator! She's useless to us now. :'''Gallaxhar Clone''': Hail Gallaxar! :'''Gallaxhar''': Hail me... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gallaxhar is walking along in his ship, passing groups of clones]'' :'''Clone Group''': Hail Gallaxhar! :'''Gallaxhar''': Hail me. :'''Second Clone Group''': Hail Gallaxhar! :'''Gallaxhar''': ''[slightly bored]'' Hail me... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Susan''': Now open the doors! :'''Gallaxhar''': Even if I wanted to, I couldn't! That's what happens when you set a ship to self-destruct! Now we're ''all'' gonna die! And there's nothing you can do about it, ''Susan''. :'''Susan''': I wouldn't be so sure. And the name... is Ginormica! ''[fires the weapon she is carrying into the statue, so that the quantonium-filled globe it holds falls on her]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Thinking they are about to die (B.O.B., as usual, is blissfully unaware)]'' :'''Missing Link''': It's been an honor knowing you, Doc. :'''Dr. Cockroach''': The feeling's mutual, my friend. :'''B.O.B.''': I'll see you guys tomorrow, for lunch! :'''Missing Link''': That's right, B.O.B. :'''Dr. Cockroach''': And they'll be ice-cream and cake and balloons. :'''B.O.B.''': Cake and balloons for lunch?! It's gonna be the best day ever! I love you guys! <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines; cut-scene just after the first cluster of credits]'' :'''President Hathaway''': Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce the newest Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Of Staff, General W.R. Monger! :'''General W.R. Monger''': Thank you very much, Mr. President. What a way to spend my 90th birthday. :'''President Hathaway''': ''[singing]'' Alright, [[w:Let's Get It Started|let's get it started in here]]! Nerd. :'''Nerd Advisor''': Gentlemen, I have come up with a budget estimate for rebuilding San Francisco. :'''President Hathaway''': Zoinkers, this is going to be a boring one. Good time for a cup o' Joe. Warden, how do you take it? :'''General W.R. Monger''': Hit me with a double venti, organic chocolate brownie caramel frappichino, extra hot with one inch of foam... ''[zooms in to his lips]'' ...Non-fat. :'''President Hathaway''': Got it, black it is. ''[this time, he hits the nuke button; everyone panics]'' :'''General W.R. Monger''': My God, man! What have you done?! :'''President Hathaway''': ''[nonetheless still his cheerful self]'' Time to wave the white flag and head for the bunker, boys! Let's check the situation in 500 years. ''[pops his head into the audience]'' Who wants to freeze my head? ''[puts his eyeglasses up]'' == Taglines == * Alien problem? Monster solution. * When aliens attack, monsters fight back * Ooze gonna save us? * When aliens attack, these guys got your back. * Saving the day the monster way. * Dayna is the best hehe ==Cast== ===Monsters=== * [[Reese Witherspoon]] — Susan Murphy/Ginormica * [[Will Arnett]] — The Missing Link * [[w:Seth Rogen|Seth Rogen]] — B.O.B. * [[Hugh Laurie]] — Dr. Cockroach, PhD * [[Frank Welker]] — Insectosaurus ===Aliens=== * [[Rainn Wilson]] — Gallaxhar * [[Amy Poehler]] — Gallaxhar's Computer ===Humans=== * [[Kiefer Sutherland]] — General Warren R. Monger * [[Stephen Colbert]] — President Hathaway * [[w:Paul Rudd|Paul Rudd]] — Derek Dietl * [[w:Jeffrey Tambor|Jeffrey Tambor]] — Carl Murphy * [[w:Julie White|Julie White]] — Wendy Murphy * [[w:Renée Zellweger|Renée Zellweger]] — Katie * [[w:John Krasinski|John Krasinski]] — Cuthbert * [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]] — News Reporter * [[w:Bridget Hoffman|Bridget Hoffman]] — Girl Screaming In The Car * [[w:Anne Lockhart]] — Girl Screaming In The Car == About ''Monsters vs. Aliens'' == * I think the main thing, for me, was finding a female character that I felt like really spoke to young women and that was really important to me. I didn’t want to be somebody’s girlfriend. Not to say that those roles aren’t as good but I loved the idea of this character being pro-active and driving her own story, changing her own life through her own will. That’s such a great message for young women and I’m so excited to be doing that and also, it brings the energy to the party. I’d go in there with such enthusiasm and excitement to be a part of something like that. * There were definitely some disorienting moments where I had no idea what was going to happen with her. I remember one day I came in and we’d had like ten recording sessions and I said ‘how does this movie end? Do I die?’ I didn’t know what was going to happen and they’re like ‘oh, right. We never told you what the third act was’ (after the San Francisco chase scene). Where are we going to go from here? Then I found out there were a whole two acts after that. We worked on the first act so much to get it right. :* Reese Witherspoon [http://collider.com/reese-witherspoon-interview-monsters-vs-aliens/ "Reese Witherspoon Interview MONSTERS VS. ALIENS"] by Steve 'Frosty' Weintraub, ''Collider'', January 12, 2009. ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|0892782}} [[dv:Monsters vs. Aliens]] [[Category:2009 films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated action films]] [[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]] [[Category:American children's animated science fantasy films]] [[Category:Monster films]] [[Category:Animated films about robots]] [[Category:Animated films about extraterrestrial life]] [[Category:Films set in San Francisco]] [[Category:Conrad Vernon films]] [[Category:Films directed by Rob Letterman]] m7clz2up4k0bsfaeb27bm9njrd4wruf 0 107199 3158039 3045761 2022-08-26T00:58:19Z Eaglestorm 16205 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Themanwithtgg-logo.svg|thumb]] '''''[[w:The Man with the Golden Gun (film)|The Man with the Golden Gun]]''''' is a [[w:1974 in film|1974 film]] in which James Bond is led to believe that he is targeted by the world's most expensive assassin and must hunt him down to stop him. :''Directed by [[w:Guy Hamilton|Guy Hamilton]]. Written by [[w:Richard Maibaum|Richard Maibaum]] and [[w:Tom Mankiewicz|Tom Mankiewicz]], based on [[w:The Man with the Golden Gun (novel)|the novel]] by [[Ian Fleming]].'' {{center|'''He never misses his target, and now his target is 007.''' <small>[[#Taglines|taglines]]</small>}} == Dialogue == :''[After Saida's performance, Bond quietly sneaks to her dressing room. He knocks on her door]'' :'''Saida''': Come in. ''[fixing her hair when Bond walks in]'' :'''James Bond''': Good evening. My name is Bond, James Bond. Your dancing is superb and so are you. :'''Saida''': ''Merci''. And you are very handsome. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Saida''': Let us forget the past. :'''James Bond''': Oh, I was hoping you'd say that. :'''Saida''': Are you staying long in Beirut? :'''James Bond''': Depends. :''[As Bond and Saida kiss, Bond moves his hand down her belly and try and pluck the bullet from her belly button. But Saida is wise to this and moves his hand away from it and places it on her back. Bond pats it. Then he "accidentally" knocks over one of her lipsticks.]'' :'''James Bond''': Clumsy me. ''[As he bends down to pick it up, he begins to kiss her belly. Saida enjoys it.]'' You really do have a magnificent abdomen. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bond visits a man in Hong Kong who produces the golden bullets like the one he got from Saida]'' :'''Lazar''': My relationship with a client Mr. Bond is strictly confidential, like a doctor or a priest. :'''James Bond''': Of course, yet you make guns for fingerless hoodlums, bullets for assassins. :'''Lazar''': Mr. Bond, bullets do not kill. It is the finger that pulls the trigger. :'''James Bond''': Exactly. ''[swings a rifle barrel toward Lazar's crotch]'' I am now aiming precisely at your groin. So speak or forever hold your piece. :'''Lazar''': I have never seen Mr. Scaramanga. :'''James Bond''': On a cost-per-bullet basis he must be your best customer. :'''Lazar''': That is true, but unfortunately he seems only to fire them occasionally. :''[Bond steadies his aim]'' :'''James Bond''': When was the--uh--last shipment? :'''Lazar''': Mr. Bond, this is impossible! I cannot... :''[Bond fires, barely missing Lazar]'' :'''James Bond''': You're quite right....an inch too low. :''[Bond reloads the rifle; Lazar, badly shaken, runs into a side room and returns with a cigarette pack full of gold bullets]'' :'''Lazar''': I have just completed an order for immediate delivery. :'''James Bond''': Who collects them? :'''Lazar''': I swear I do not know! My instructions are to go to the casino, I am paid, and they vanish! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Francisco Scaramanga''': ''[after Bond has broken out of Hai Fat's karate school]'' What do they teach at that school? Belly dancing? :'''Hai Fat''': I find nothing remotely amusing about Mr. Bond's escape. :'''Francisco Scaramanga''': You underestimated him. :'''Hai Fat''': Even ''my'' influence does not extend into the British Secret Service. I shall lie low too. I do not intend to jeopardize a project in which I have invested half my fortune, when it is ready to yield billions. :'''Francisco Scaramanga''': Where will you hide out? :'''Hai Fat''': That is not your concern. Now, take this... ''[he hands Scaramanga the solex agitator]'' Return it to the plant and don't leave there without my permission. ''[he doesn't see Scaramanga assembling the Golden Gun]'' May I remind you that you work for me. I took you on as a junior partner to be an occasional convenience, nothing more. I did not pay you to interfere in my affairs. Is that clear? :'''Francisco Scaramanga''': Yes, very clear. :'''Hai Fat''': I now regret having even considered employing your services, but that is beside the point. Bond doesn't know you're in Bangkok; he's never seen you. But he has seen me. That's the problem. :'''Francisco Scaramanga''': That's no problem. :''[He shoots Fat dead, then disassembles the Golden Gun as one of Fat's aides comes to investigate]'' :'''Aide''' What happened? :'''Francisco Scaramanga''': Mr. Fat has just resigned. I'm the new Chairman of the Board. ''[he goes outside, looks over at Fat's family tomb]'' He always did like that mausoleum. Put him in it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bond makes contact with Andrea Anders at a Muay Thai arena, but notices she's already dead. Scaramanga sits beside him as he tries to search her handbag for the SOLEX]'' :'''Francisco Scaramanga''': You won't find it in there Mr Bond. I looked before you came. ''[senses Bond preparing to shoot him]'' I wouldn't do that either. Look behind you. ''[Bond looks behind him and doesn't see anything]'' Lower. :''[Nick Nack is seated behind Bond with some peanuts and a gun]'' :'''James Bond''': A gun in a bag of peanuts, how original! What will they think of next? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Francisco Scaramanga''': When I was a boy, I was brought up in a circus. My only real friend was a huge, magnificent African bull elephant. One day, his handler mistreated him and he went berserk. Bleeding, dying, he came and found me, stood on one leg, his best trick, picked me up and put me on his back. The drunken handler came along and emptied his gun into his eye... I emptied my stage pistol into his! :''[as he makes his monologue, Bond notices the SOLEX and orders peanuts from a seller, then gives the SOLEX to him by sleight of hand]'' :'''James Bond''': An eye for an eye. Nut? :'''Francisco Scaramanga''': You see, Mr. Bond, I always thought I liked animals. Then I discovered that I liked killing people even more. ''[Bond looks agape at him with the last few words]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Francisco Scaramanga''': ''[on the dead Andrea Anders]'' Forget the girl, she's replaceable. But I shall find what she stole from me. Personally, I've got nothing against you, Mr. Bond, and to keep it that way, let us hope our paths never cross again. Please don't try to follow me. :'''James Bond''': Your peanut-toting friend back there wouldn't like it? :'''Francisco Scaramanga''': No, he wouldn't. <hr width="50%/> :(''Goodnight enters the dining room, wearing a bikini. Bond is surprised'') :'''Francisco Scaramanga''': Ah, Miss Goodnight. :'''Mary Goodnight''': James! :'''James Bond''': Aren't we a little overdressed, Goodnight? :'''Francisco Scaramanga''': I like a girl in a bikini. No concealed weapons. (''shows Goodnight to her chair'') Miss Goodnight, please. Mr. Bond. (''Bond sits next to her as Nick Nack places a tray on the table'') Now, let's see what Nick Nack has for us. (''he lifts the tray's lid'') Ahh- ''mushrooms''. (''As he sits down across from Bond, Goodnight takes a hasty look at the mushrooms and glances meaningfully at Bond'') :'''Mary Goodnight''': The ''fried mushroom'' looks ''terribly'' interesting. :'''James Bond''': Yes, I noticed that- I'll get around to it later. (''Scaramanga subtly places several pieces of his Golden Gun on the table as Nick Nack pours wine'') Having fun in the sun, Goodnight? :'''Mary Goodnight''': (''sarcastically'') Yes- I could stay here ''forever''. (''Scaramanga watches them'') :'''James Bond''': (''tastes the wine, Scaramanga gives him an inquiring look'') Mmm, excellent- slightly reminiscent of a '34 Mouton. :'''Francisco Scaramanga''': (''nods, pulls out a gold-plated pen that doubles as the barrel of the Golden Gun'') Then I must add it to my cellar. (''he writes it down'') :'''James Bond''': You live well, Scaramanga. :'''Francisco Scaramanga''': At a million dollars a contract, I can afford to, Mr. Bond. You work for peanuts, a hearty well done from Her Majesty the Queen, and a pittance of a pension. Apart from that, we are the same. (''raises his glass in a toast'') To ''us'', Mr. Bond. ''We'' are the best. (''he and Goodnight drink, but Bond does not'') :'''James Bond''': ''[coldly]'' There's a [[w:Shit|useful four letter word]]... and you're ''full'' of it. (''Scaramanga sets down his wine, his expression cold'') When I kill, it is on the specific orders of my government. And those I kill are ''themselves'' killers. :'''Francisco Scaramanga''': Ha! (''he takes the various pieces of the Golden Gun and moves them into his lap, out of sight'') Come, come, Mr. Bond, you disappoint me. You get as much fulfillment out of killing as I do, so why don't you admit it? :'''James Bond''': I admit killing you would be a pleasure. :'''Francisco Scaramanga''': (''smirks'') Then you should have done that when you first saw me. But then, of course, the English don't consider it ''sporting'' to kill in cold blood, do they? :'''James Bond''': Don't count on that. :''[Bond reaches for his gun, but Scaramanga raises his Golden Gun, which he has surreptitiously put together.] :'''Francisco Scaramanga''': (''quietly'')... I could have shot you down when you landed, but that would have been ridiculously ''easy''. (''Bond slowly moves his hand away from his pistol'') You see, Mr. Bond, like all great artists I want to create one indisputable ''masterpiece''. The death of 007 -''mano a mano'', face to face- will be mine. :'''James Bond''': You mean, stuffed and displayed over your rocky mantelpiece? :'''Francisco Scaramanga''': It's an amusing idea, but I was thinking more in terms of history. A duel between titans... my golden gun against your Walther PPK. Each of us a 50-50 chance. :'''James Bond''': Six bullets to your one? :'''Francisco Scaramanga''': I only need one. :'''James Bond''': ...Sounds a bit old-fashioned, doesn't it? Pistols and dawn, that sort of thing? :'''Francisco Scaramanga''': Indeed it is, Mr Bond. But it still remains the only ''true'' test, for gentlemen. :'''James Bond''': I doubt you'll qualify on that score. However, I accept. As soon as I finish this ''delicious'' lunch Nick Nack has prepared for us. == Taglines == * He never misses his target, and now his target is 007. * Roger Moore as James Bond 007 * The man with the golden gun is ready to assassinate James Bond. * The world's greatest villains tried to kill James Bond. Now it's Scaramanga's turn to try == About ''The Man with the Golden Gun (film)'' == * I remember Guy Hamilton wanting me to be tougher with Maud Adams in ''The Man with the Golden Gun'' where I was trying to get information from her and I start twisting her arm, which I didn’t like doing particularly, and Guy said, 'You’ve got to do it and she’s going to say, you’re hurting my arm, and you’ve got to say, I’ll break it, and mean it.’ So I bent it for those brief few moments. ** Roger Moore in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/films/0/roger-moore-interview-never-confident-girls/ “Roger Moore interview: 'I was never very confident with girls'”] by Tim Auld, ''The Telegraph'', 23 May 2017. == Cast == * [[Roger Moore]] - [[w:James Bond (character)|James Bond]] * [[Christopher Lee]] - Francisco Scaramanga * [[w:Britt Ekland|Britt Ekland]] - [[w:Mary Goodnight|Mary Goodnight]] * [[w:Maud Adams|Maud Adams]] - [[w:Andrea Anders (James Bond)|Andrea Anders]] * [[w:Hervé Villechaize|Hervé Villechaize]] - Nick Nack * [[w:Clifton James|Clifton James]] - Sheriff J.W. Pepper * [[w:Richard Loo|Richard Loo]] - Hai Fat * [[w:Soon-Tek Oh|Soon-Tek Oh]] - Lieutenant Hip * [[w:Bernard Lee|Bernard Lee]] - [[w:M (James Bond)|M]] * [[w:Lois Maxwell|Lois Maxwell]] - [[w:Miss Moneypenny|Miss Moneypenny]] * [[w:Desmond Llewelyn|Desmond Llewelyn]] - [[w:Q (James Bond)|Q]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0071807|title=The Man with the Golden Gun}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=man_with_the_golden_gun|title=The Man with the Golden Gun}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Man with the Golden Gun, The}} [[Category:1974 films]] [[Category:Action films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:James Bond 007]] [[Category:Films about terrorism]] pwu2f112bgtwifxgel5tck56f5lzze3 3158108 3158039 2022-08-26T10:40:33Z Eaglestorm 16205 format fix wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Themanwithtgg-logo.svg|thumb]] '''''[[w:The Man with the Golden Gun (film)|The Man with the Golden Gun]]''''' is a [[w:1974 in film|1974 film]] in which James Bond is led to believe that he is targeted by the world's most expensive assassin and must hunt him down to stop him. :''Directed by [[w:Guy Hamilton|Guy Hamilton]]. Written by [[w:Richard Maibaum|Richard Maibaum]] and [[w:Tom Mankiewicz|Tom Mankiewicz]], based on [[w:The Man with the Golden Gun (novel)|the novel]] by [[Ian Fleming]].'' {{center|'''He never misses his target, and now his target is 007.''' <small>[[#Taglines|taglines]]</small>}} == Dialogue == :''[After Saida's performance, Bond quietly sneaks to her dressing room. He knocks on her door]'' :'''Saida''': Come in. ''[fixing her hair when Bond walks in]'' :'''James Bond''': Good evening. My name is Bond, James Bond. Your dancing is superb and so are you. :'''Saida''': ''Merci''. And you are very handsome. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Saida''': Let us forget the past. :'''James Bond''': Oh, I was hoping you'd say that. :'''Saida''': Are you staying long in Beirut? :'''James Bond''': Depends. :''[As Bond and Saida kiss, Bond moves his hand down her belly and try and pluck the bullet from her belly button. But Saida is wise to this and moves his hand away from it and places it on her back. Bond pats it. Then he "accidentally" knocks over one of her lipsticks.]'' :'''James Bond''': Clumsy me. ''[As he bends down to pick it up, he begins to kiss her belly. Saida enjoys it.]'' You really do have a magnificent abdomen. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bond visits a man in Hong Kong who produces the golden bullets like the one he got from Saida]'' :'''Lazar''': My relationship with a client Mr. Bond is strictly confidential, like a doctor or a priest. :'''James Bond''': Of course, yet you make guns for fingerless hoodlums, bullets for assassins. :'''Lazar''': Mr. Bond, bullets do not kill. It is the finger that pulls the trigger. :'''James Bond''': Exactly. ''[swings a rifle barrel toward Lazar's crotch]'' I am now aiming precisely at your groin. So speak or forever hold your piece. :'''Lazar''': I have never seen Mr. Scaramanga. :'''James Bond''': On a cost-per-bullet basis he must be your best customer. :'''Lazar''': That is true, but unfortunately he seems only to fire them occasionally. :''[Bond steadies his aim]'' :'''James Bond''': When was the--uh--last shipment? :'''Lazar''': Mr. Bond, this is impossible! I cannot... :''[Bond fires, barely missing Lazar]'' :'''James Bond''': You're quite right....an inch too low. :''[Bond reloads the rifle; Lazar, badly shaken, runs into a side room and returns with a cigarette pack full of gold bullets]'' :'''Lazar''': I have just completed an order for immediate delivery. :'''James Bond''': Who collects them? :'''Lazar''': I swear I do not know! My instructions are to go to the casino, I am paid, and they vanish! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Francisco Scaramanga''': ''[after Bond has broken out of Hai Fat's karate school]'' What do they teach at that school? Belly dancing? :'''Fat''': I find nothing remotely amusing about Mr. Bond's escape. :'''Scaramanga''': You underestimated him. :'''Fat''': Even ''my'' influence does not extend into the British Secret Service. I shall lie low too. I do not intend to jeopardize a project in which I have invested half my fortune, when it is ready to yield billions. :'''Scaramanga''': Where will you hide out? :'''Fat''': That is not your concern. Now, take this... ''[he hands Scaramanga the SOLEX agitator]'' Return it to the plant and don't leave there without my permission. ''[he doesn't see Scaramanga assembling the Golden Gun]'' May I remind you that you work for me. I took you on as a junior partner to be an occasional convenience, nothing more. I did not pay you to interfere in my affairs. Is that clear? :'''Scaramanga''': Yes, very clear. :'''Fat''': I now regret having even considered employing your services, but that is beside the point. Bond doesn't know you're in Bangkok; he's never seen you. But he has seen me. That's the problem. :'''Scaramanga''': That's no problem. ''[shoots Fat dead, then disassembles the Golden Gun as one of Fat's aides comes to investigate]'' :'''Aide''': What happened? :'''Scaramanga''': Mr. Fat has just resigned. I'm the new Chairman of the Board. ''[goes outside, looks over at Fat's family tomb]'' He always did like that mausoleum. Put him in it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bond makes contact with Andrea Anders at a Muay Thai arena, but notices she's already dead. Scaramanga sits beside him as he tries to search her handbag for the SOLEX]'' :'''Francisco Scaramanga''': You won't find it in there Mr Bond. I looked before you came. ''[senses Bond preparing to shoot him]'' I wouldn't do that either. Look behind you. ''[Bond looks behind him and doesn't see anything]'' Lower. :''[Nick Nack is seated behind Bond with some peanuts and a gun]'' :'''James Bond''': A gun in a bag of peanuts, how original! What will they think of next? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Francisco Scaramanga''': When I was a boy, I was brought up in a circus. My only real friend was a huge, magnificent African bull elephant. One day, his handler mistreated him and he went berserk. Bleeding, dying, he came and found me, stood on one leg, his best trick, picked me up and put me on his back. The drunken handler came along and emptied his gun into his eye... I emptied my stage pistol into his! :''[as he makes his monologue, Bond notices the SOLEX and orders peanuts from a seller, then gives the SOLEX to him by sleight of hand]'' :'''James Bond''': An eye for an eye. Nut? :'''Scaramanga''': You see, Mr. Bond, I always thought I liked animals. Then I discovered that I liked killing people even more. ''[Bond looks agape at him with the last few words]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Francisco Scaramanga''': ''[on the dead Andrea Anders]'' Forget the girl, she's replaceable. But I shall find what she stole from me. Personally, I've got nothing against you, Mr. Bond, and to keep it that way, let us hope our paths never cross again. Please don't try to follow me. :'''James Bond''': Your peanut-toting friend back there wouldn't like it? :'''Scaramanga''': No, he wouldn't. <hr width="50%/> :''[Goodnight enters the dining room, wearing a bikini. Bond is surprised]'' :'''Francisco Scaramanga''': Ah, Miss Goodnight. :'''Mary Goodnight''': James! :'''James Bond''': Aren't we a little overdressed, Goodnight? :'''Scaramanga''': I like a girl in a bikini. No concealed weapons. ''[shows Goodnight to her chair]'' Miss Goodnight, please. Mr. Bond. ''[Bond sits next to her as Nick Nack places a tray on the table]'' Now, let's see what Nick Nack has for us. ''[he lifts the tray's lid]'' Ahh- ''mushrooms''. ''[As he sits down across from Bond, Goodnight takes a hasty look at the mushrooms and glances meaningfully at Bond.]'') :'''Goodnight''': The ''fried mushroom'' looks ''terribly'' interesting. :'''Bond''': Yes, I noticed that- I'll get around to it later. ''[Scaramanga subtly places several pieces of his Golden Gun on the table as Nick Nack pours wine]'' Having fun in the sun, Goodnight? :'''Goodnight''': ''[sarcastically]'' Yes- I could stay here ''forever. [Scaramanga watches them]'' :'''Bond''': ''[tastes the wine, Scaramanga gives him an inquiring look]'' Mmm, excellent- slightly reminiscent of a '34 Mouton. :'''Scaramanga''': ''[nods, pulls out a gold-plated pen that doubles as the barrel of the Golden Gun]'' Then I must add it to my cellar. ''[writes it down]'' :'''Bond''': You live well, Scaramanga. :'''Scaramanga''': At a million dollars a contract, I can afford to, Mr. Bond. You work for peanuts, a hearty well done from Her Majesty the Queen, and a pittance of a pension. Apart from that, we are the same. ''[raises his glass in a toast]'' To ''us'', Mr. Bond. ''We'' are the best. ''[he and Goodnight drink, but Bond does not]'' :'''Bond''': ''[coldly]'' There's a [[w:Shit|useful four letter word]]... and you're ''full'' of it. ''[Scaramanga sets down his wine, his expression cold]'' When I kill, it is on the specific orders of my government. And those I kill are ''themselves'' killers. :'''Scaramanga''': Ha! ''[takes the various pieces of the Golden Gun and moves them into his lap, out of sight]'' Come, come, Mr. Bond, you disappoint me. You get as much fulfillment out of killing as I do, so why don't you admit it? :'''Bond''': I admit killing you would be a pleasure. :'''Scaramanga''': ''[smirks]'' Then you should have done that when you first saw me. But then, of course, the English don't consider it ''sporting'' to kill in cold blood, do they? :'''Bond''': Don't count on that. ''[reaches for his gun, but Scaramanga raises his Golden Gun, which he has surreptitiously put together.] :'''Scaramanga''': ''[quietly]''... I could have shot you down when you landed, but that would have been ridiculously ''easy''. ''[Bond slowly moves his hand away from his pistol]'' You see, Mr. Bond, like all great artists I want to create one indisputable ''masterpiece''. The death of 007 -''mano a mano'', face to face- will be mine. :'''Bond''': You mean, stuffed and displayed over your rocky mantelpiece? :'''Scaramanga''': It's an amusing idea, but I was thinking more in terms of history. A duel between titans... my golden gun against your Walther PPK. Each of us a 50-50 chance. :'''Bond''': Six bullets to your one? :'''Scaramanga''': I only need one. :'''Bond''': ...Sounds a bit old-fashioned, doesn't it? Pistols and dawn, that sort of thing? :'''Scaramanga''': Indeed it is, Mr Bond. But it still remains the only ''true'' test, for gentlemen. :'''Bond''': I doubt you'll qualify on that score. However, I accept. As soon as I finish this ''delicious'' lunch Nick Nack has prepared for us. == Taglines == * He never misses his target, and now his target is 007. * Roger Moore as James Bond 007 * The man with the golden gun is ready to assassinate James Bond. * The world's greatest villains tried to kill James Bond. Now it's Scaramanga's turn to try == About ''The Man with the Golden Gun (film)'' == * I remember Guy Hamilton wanting me to be tougher with Maud Adams in ''The Man with the Golden Gun'' where I was trying to get information from her and I start twisting her arm, which I didn’t like doing particularly, and Guy said, 'You’ve got to do it and she’s going to say, you’re hurting my arm, and you’ve got to say, I’ll break it, and mean it.’ So I bent it for those brief few moments. ** Roger Moore in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/films/0/roger-moore-interview-never-confident-girls/ “Roger Moore interview: 'I was never very confident with girls'”] by Tim Auld, ''The Telegraph'', 23 May 2017. == Cast == * [[Roger Moore]] - [[w:James Bond (character)|James Bond]] * [[Christopher Lee]] - Francisco Scaramanga * [[w:Britt Ekland|Britt Ekland]] - [[w:Mary Goodnight|Mary Goodnight]] * [[w:Maud Adams|Maud Adams]] - [[w:Andrea Anders (James Bond)|Andrea Anders]] * [[w:Hervé Villechaize|Hervé Villechaize]] - Nick Nack * [[w:Clifton James|Clifton James]] - Sheriff J.W. Pepper * [[w:Richard Loo|Richard Loo]] - Hai Fat * [[w:Soon-Tek Oh|Soon-Tek Oh]] - Lieutenant Hip * [[w:Bernard Lee|Bernard Lee]] - [[w:M (James Bond)|M]] * [[w:Lois Maxwell|Lois Maxwell]] - [[w:Miss Moneypenny|Miss Moneypenny]] * [[w:Desmond Llewelyn|Desmond Llewelyn]] - [[w:Q (James Bond)|Q]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0071807|title=The Man with the Golden Gun}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=man_with_the_golden_gun|title=The Man with the Golden Gun}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Man with the Golden Gun, The}} [[Category:1974 films]] [[Category:Action films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:James Bond 007]] [[Category:Films about terrorism]] b8psvqh84dykdw7vblmyy7ty9kuhalr 0 107334 3158047 3095393 2022-08-26T01:49:36Z 162.197.99.132 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Coraline (film)|Coraline]]''''' is a 2009 American [[w:stop-motion|stop-motion]] [[w:3-D film|3-D]] [[w:Horror film|horror]]-[[w:fantasy film|fantasy film]] based on [[w:Neil Gaiman|Neil Gaiman]]'s [[w:Coraline|2002 novel of the same name]] about a young girl who finds a secret door into another world, which at first seems to be a much better version of her life, but things soon turn dangerous. :''Directed by [[w:Henry Selick|Henry Selick]]. Written by [[w:Henry Selick|Henry Selick]] (screenplay) and [[w:Neil Gaiman|Neil Gaiman]] (book).'' {{center|'''Be Careful What You Wish For.'''([[#Taglines|taglines]])}} ==Other Mother== * I thought we'd play a game. * Dearest Coraline, Miss Spink and Miss Forcible have invited you downstairs after lunch. I hope you like the new outfit I made you. Love, Mother. * They say even the proudest spirit can be broken, with love. * Is that any way to talk to your mother? * You may come out when you've learned to be a loving daughter. * Coraline, how dare you disobey your mother!? * Darling, why would you run away from me? * You know I love you. * You're wrong, Coraline. They aren't there. Now you're going to stay here forever. * '''YOU HORRIBLE CHEATING GIRL!''' * No! Where are you?! YOU SELFISH BRAT! * YOU DARE DISOBEY YOUR MOTHER!? ''[Coraline kicks her in the face]'' * '''DON'T LEAVE ME! DON'T LEAVE ME!!! ''I'LL DIE WITHOUT YOU!!!!!''''' ==Other== *'''Other Father''': ''[praying]'' We give our thanks and ask to bless out mother's golden chicken breast. *'''Cat''': You probably think this world is a dream come true… but you're ''wrong.'' *'''Dragonflies''': What's wrong, Coraline? Don't you wanna play? *'''Octopus Toy''': Yeah! I wanna hug your face! *'''Giraffe Toy''': Get a grip, soldier! *'''Friends in the Photo''': Hey! Where's your buttons, Loper? You wanna stay, don't ya? *'''Ghost Boy''': Bless you, miss. You found me! But there's two eyes still lost. *'''Tall Ghost Girl''': Hurry on, girl. Her web is unwinding. *'''Sweet Ghost Girl''': Be clever, Miss. Even if you win, she'll never let you go. ==Dialogue== :'''Coraline''': I almost fell down a well yesterday, Mom. :'''Mel''': ''[unconcerned]'' Uh-huh. :'''Coraline''': I could've died. :'''Mel''': That's nice. :'''Coraline''': Hmm. So, can I go out? I think it's perfect weather for gardening. :'''Mel''': No, Coraline. Rain makes mud. Mud makes a mess. :'''Coraline''': But, Mom, I want stuff growing when my friends come to visit. Isn't that why we moved here? :'''Mel''': Something like that. But then we had the accident. :'''Coraline''': It wasn't my fault you hit that truck. :'''Mel''': I never said it was. :'''Coraline''': I can't believe it. You and Dad get paid to write about plants, and you hate dirt. :'''Mel''': Coraline, I don't have time for you right now, and you still have unpacking to do. Lots of unpacking. :'''Coraline''': ''[sarcastically]'' That sounds exciting. <hr width="50%"> :'''Coraline''': ''[groans in disgust as she slides her dinner plate away from her]'' Why don't ''you'' ever cook, Mom? :'''Mel''': Coraline, we've been through this before. You dad cooks, I clean, and ''you'' stay out of the way. I swear I'll go food shopping soon as we finish the catalog. ''[slides Coraline's dinner plate back to her]'' Try some of the chard. You need a vegetable. :'''Coraline''': It looks more like ''slime'' to me. :'''Charlie''': Well, it's slime or bedtime, fuss pot. Now what's it's gonna be? :'''Coraline''': ''[to her doll-self]'' Think they're trying to poison me? <hr width="50%"> :''[Coraline talks to her parents about her dream in the kitchen]'' :'''Coraline''': It was incredibly real, Mom. Only you weren't really you. You were my other mother. :'''Mel''': Buttons for eyes, huh? Coraline, you only ''dreamed'' you ate all that chicken. Take your multivitamin, at least. :'''Coraline''': You were in the dream too, Dad. You had wild looking pajamas and orange monkey slippers. :'''Charlie''': ''[chuckling]'' Orange? My monkey slippers are blue. Psst! Do you think you can get me some of that magic mud? 'cause I have a ''serious'' case of writer's rash, in my - ''[Mel clears her throat]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Mr. Bobinsky''': Hey, Caroline! ''[speaking Russian]'' Wait! The mice asked me to give you message. :'''Coraline''': The jumping mice? :'''Mr. Bobinsky''': They are saying, "Do not go through little door." Do you know such a thing? :'''Coraline''': The one behind the wallpaper? But it's all bricked up. :'''Mr. Bobinsky''': Ah. So sorry, is nothing. Sometimes mice are little mixed up. They even get your name wrong, you know? They call you "Coraline" instead of "Caroline." Not "Caroline" at all! Maybe I work them too hard. <hr width="50%"> :'''April Spink''': Miriam, really, you're holding it wrong. See? Danger. :'''Coraline''': What do you see? :'''April Spink''': I see a very peculiar hand. :'''Miriam Forcible''': I see a giraffe. :'''April Spink''': Giraffes don't just fall from the sky, Miriam. <hr width="50%"> :'''Wybie''': You know, I've never been inside the Pink Palace. :'''Coraline''': You're kidding. :'''Wybie''': Grandma'd kill me. Thinks it's dangerous or something. :'''Coraline''': Dangerous? :'''Wybie''': Well, she had a twin sister. :'''Coraline''': So? :'''Wybie''': When they were kids, Grandma's sister disappeared. She said she was stolen? :'''Coraline''': Stolen? Well, what do ''you'' think? :'''Wybie''': I don't know. Maybe she just ran away. <hr width="50%"> :''[Coraline finds some nice looking orange gloves while Mel buys some school uniforms]'' :'''Mel''': Put them back. :'''Coraline''': But, Mom, the whole school's gonna wear boring gray clothes. No one will have these. :'''Mel''': Put them back. :'''Coraline''': My other mother would get them. :'''Mel''': Maybe she should buy ''all'' your clothes. <hr width="50%"> :'''Other Forcible''': What a piece of work is man! How noble in reason! :'''Other Spink''': How infinite in faculty! In form and moving, how express and admirable! :'''Other Forcible''': In action, like an angel! :'''Other Spink''': In apprehension, how like a god! :'''Other Forcible''': ''[pulls Coraline out of her seat as she screams]'' The beauty of the world! :'''Other Spink''': The paragon of animals! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Other Mother''': They say even the proudest spirit can be broken with love. ''[A bug chair scoops up Coraline and brings her to her]'' Of course, chocolate never hurts. ''[takes a candy box from the servant bug, opens it, revealing nine Cocoa Beetles]'' Like one? They're Cocoa Beetles from Zanzibar. ''[takes a beetle out of the box and bites the head off, making Coraline feel grossed out]'' :'''Coraline''': I want to be with my real mom and dad. I want you to let me go! :'''Other Mother''': ''[throws her Cocoa Beetle away]'' Is ''that'' any way to talk to your mother? :'''Coraline''': You ''aren't'' my mother. :'''Other Mother''': Apologize at ''[stares deadly at her; sharply]'' once, Coraline! :'''Coraline''': ''[stares back at her; bravely]'' NO! :'''Other Mother''': I'll give you to the count of three. One... ''[starts growing taller]'' Two... ''[grows a little more taller and a little scarier]'' '''THREE!!!''' ''[grabs Coraline by the nose and drags her into the hallway]'' :'''Coraline''': Ow! What are you doing!? Ow! That hurts! :'''Other Mother''': ''[pulls Coraline down the hallway to the mirror and shoves her through it]'' You may come out when you've learned to be a LOVING DAUGHTER. <hr width="50%"> :'''Coraline''': ''[pulls the blanket, revealing three ghost children sitting on the bed]'' Who are you? :'''Ghost Boy''': Don't remember our names. But I member my true mommy. :'''Coraline''': Why are you all here? :'''Ghost Children''': The beldam. :'''Sweet Ghost Girl''': She spied on our lives through the little doll's eyes. :'''Ghost Boy''': And saw that we weren't happy. :'''Tall Ghost Girl''': So she lured us away with treasures. :'''Ghost Boy''': And treats. :'''Sweet Ghost Girl''': And games to play. :'''Ghost Boy''': Gave all that we asked. :'''Sweet Ghost Girl''': Yet we still wanted more. :'''Tall Ghost Girl''': So we let her sew the buttons. :'''Ghost Boy''': She said that she loved us. :'''Tall Ghost Girl''': But she locked us here. :'''Ghost Children''': And ate up our lives. :'''Coraline''': Well, she can't keep in the dark forever. Not if she wants to win my life. Beating her is my only chance. :'''Sweet Ghost Girl''': Perhaps, if you ''do'' win your escape, you could find our eyes. :'''Coraline''': Has she taken those, too? :'''Sweet Ghost Girl''': Yes, miss. And hidden them. :'''Ghost Boy''': Find our eyes, mistress, and our souls will be freed. :'''Coraline''': I… I'll try. <hr width="50%"> :'''Coraline''': Where are you hiding, you little monster? :'''Wybie''': You and grandma have been talking? :'''Coraline''': ''[searching around for the doll in her room]'' The doll's her spy. It's how she watches you, finds out what's wrong with your life. :'''Wybie''': The doll is my grandma's spy? :'''Coraline''': No. The other mother. She's got this whole world where everything better. The food, the garden, the neighbors. But it's all a ''trap.'' :'''Wybie''': Yeah. I think I heard someone calling me, Jonesy. :'''Coraline''': Don't believe me? You can ask the cat! :'''Wybie''': The cat. I'll just tell grandma that you couldn't find the doll. ''[Coraline angrily throws her show at him, hitting him in the back of his head]'' Ow! :'''Coraline''': You're not LISTENING TO ME! :'''Wybie''': That's 'cause you're crazy! ''[runs down the stairs to the front door, screaming, as Coraline angrily chases after him in a frustrated scream]'' :'''Coraline''': You creep! :'''Wybie''': Crazy! :'''Coraline''': Crazy?! ''YOU'RE'' THE JERK WAD THAT GAVE ME THE DOLL! <hr width="50%"> :'''April Spink''': ''[handing Coraline the seeing stone]'' There you go, sweetie. :'''Coraline''': What's it for? :'''April Spink''': Well, it might help. They're good for bad things sometimes. :'''Miriam Forcible''': No. They're good for lost things. :'''April Spink''': It's bad things, Miriam. :'''Miriam Forcible''': Lost things, April. :'''April Spink''': Bad. :'''Miriam Forcible''': Lost. :'''April Spink''': ''[whispers]'' Bad things. :'''Miriam Forcible''': Lost. :'''April Spink''': Bad. :'''Miriam Forcible''': Lost. :'''April Spink''': Bad. :'''Miriam Forcible''': Lost. :'''April Spink''': Bad. :'''Miriam Forcible''': ''Lost!'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Coraline''': Why steal this? (Coraline can be look the ghost eye of frozen ice on garden) Wow! (They can be see first ghost eye on red mobile driver) This must be it! (Mantis turn on the engine as glove hand other father piano turn into the pumpkin coraline can be see bright) :'''Other Father''': Sorry, did you say "Sorry". (Other father control glove hand start engine on mantis to the smash attacking coraline as she jump away) :'''Other Father''': I'm so sorry. Mother making me. I don't wanna hurt you! (Mantis smash down the bridge break apart other father break the glove hand free the left hand and break the mobile drive to grab it) :'''Other Father''': (Last words) TAKE IT! (Coraline rush to get first ghost eye mobile driver and other father mantis was fall into the water and garden turn to stone) :'''Ghost Boy''': Bless you, miss. You found me! But there's two eyes still lost. :'''Coraline''': Don't worry. I'm getting the hang of it. <hr width="50%"> (Coraline picks up the flashlight to search a finding ghost eye as they can be see up there dog turn bat sensitive as they turn on the light as Coraline climbed on the stage and look to second ghost eye inside the candy as they can see it throw in there as Coraline put the flashlight in purse and she grab her out the taffy hand as Coraline open the hand can be see the second ghost eye was in the pearl) :'''Coraline''': The pearl. (takes it but she grab her as Coraline screams when a twisted taffy monster of Spink and Forcible comes to life as the candy) :'''Other Forcible Monster''': Thief! Give it back! Give it back! Thief! :'''Other Spink Monster''': Give it back! :'''Other Forcible Monster''': Thief! Give it back! Thief! Thief! Give it back! Thief! (Coraline get a flashlight to wake bat sensitive dog up) :'''Other Forcible''': Give it back! Thief! :'''Other Spink''': Give it back! Thief! (Coraline throw the flashlight and wake bat sensitive dog and flying wing to attack her) :'''Other Taffy Monsters''': Thief! Stop! Stop! Thief! (Coraline dodge and bat sensitive dog flying through and destroy taffy monster) :'''Other Taffy Forcible''': (Last words) Thief! Stop! (Coraline got a second ghost eye and free the hand as taffy monster and the bats turn into the stone thanks to Coraline's success for the second eye) :'''Tall Ghost Girl''': Hurry on, girl. Her web is unwinding. <hr width="50%"> :'''Coraline''': ''[enraged yelling]'' EVIL WITCH! I'M NOT SCARED!!! <hr width="50%"> :'''Other Bobinsky''': (Pops behind Coraline) Hello, galoobooshka. :'''Coraline''': I'm Coraline. :'''Other Bobinsky''': Is this what you're looking for? (Rolls out the third eye out of his sleeve) :'''Coraline''': Uh-huh. :'''Other Bobinsky''': You think winning game is good thing? You'll just go home and be bored and neglected, same as always. Stay here with us. We will listen to you and laugh with you. (Falls out of wood beam and rolls into the circus tent as Coraline follows him) If you stay here, you can have whatever you want. Always! :'''Coraline''': You don't get it, do you? :'''Other Bobinsky''': I don't understand. :'''Coraline''': Of course you don't understand. You're just a copy she made of the real Mr. B. :'''Other Bobinsky''': (Last words) Not even that anymore. (Coraline takes off his hat to reveal rats inside his clothes) <hr width="50%"> :''(Coraline can be see the cat and she caught mouse on last ghost ball)'' :'''Cat''': I think I mentioned that I don't like rats at the best of times. :'''Coraline''': I think you might have said something like that. :'''Cat''': It looked like you need this one, however. :'''Coraline''': Thank you. :''(Coraline picks it up on the last ghost eye which causes the other house and the rest of the world into stone)'' :'''Coraline''': I'm heading inside. I still have to find my parents. :''(Full eye button moon was last and now they have freezing apart other world falling and destruction and the other world was falling apart)'' :'''Coraline''': Come on, quickly! <hr width="50%"> :'''Other Mother''': So...you're back. And you brought vermin with you. :'''Coraline''': No I brought a friend. :'''Other Mother''': You know I love you. :'''Coraline''': Well you have a very funny way of showing it. :'''Other Mother''': So where are they? The ghost eyes? :'''Coraline''': Hold on. We aren't finished yet. Are we? :'''Other Mother''': No, I suppose not. After all, you still need to find your old parents, don't you? Too bad you won't have this. ''(throw's the seeing stone in the fireplace and it melts)'' :'''Sweet Ghost Girl''': Be clever, miss. Even if you win, she'll never let you go! :'''Coraline''': I already know where you've hidden them. :'''Other Mother''': Well, produce them. :'''Coraline''': They're behind that door. :'''Other Mother''': Oh, they are, are they? <hr width="50%"> :'''Sweet Ghost Girl''': It's a fine, fine thing you did for us, miss. :'''Coraline''': Well, I'm glad it's finally over. :'''Sweet Ghost Girl''': It ''is'' over and done with for us. :'''Coraline''': What about me? :'''Tall Ghost Girl''': You're in terrible danger, girl! :'''Coraline''': But how?! I locked the door! :'''Sweet Ghost Girl''': It's the key, miss. There's only one, and the beldam will find it. :'''Ghost Boy''': 'Tain't all bad, miss. Thou art alive. Thou art still living. <hr width="50%"> :'''Wybie''': I'm really sorry I didn't believe you about all this evil stuff, Coraline. :'''Coraline''': Why did you change your mind? :'''Wybie''': Well, Grandma showed me this picture after I called you crazy. ''[takes out and shows Coraline a photo of his twin grandmas as kids]'' It's her and her sister, before she disappeared. :'''Coraline''': The Sweet Ghost Girl. <hr width="50%"> :'''Coraline''': ''[walking up to Spink and Forcible, holding a tray of pink lemonade]'' Thanks for helping me, Miss Spink, Miss Forcible. :'''Miriam Forcible''': Oh, look, April. Pink ladies! :'''Coraline''': Actually, it's just lemonade. How's Angus doing? :'''April Spink''': Oh, much better, dear, but he can't duck his wings forever. <hr width="50%"> :'''Grandma Lovat''': Wyborne, I ''know'' where I'm going. I grew up here. :'''Coraline''': Welcome, Miss Lovat! :'''Grandma Lovat''': Oh! Hello. :'''Coraline''': ''[last lines]'' I'm Coraline Jones. I've got so much to tell you. ==Taglines== *Be Careful What You Wish For. *An Adventure Too Weird For Words. *Oh. My. God. ==Cast== * [[w:Dakota Fanning|Dakota Fanning]] as Coraline Jones (voice) * [[w:Teri Hatcher|Teri Hatcher]] as Mel Jones/Other Mother (voice) * [[John Hodgman]] as Charlie Jones/Other Father (voice) * [[w:Robert Bailey Jr.|Robert Bailey Jr.]] as Wyborne "Wybie" Lovat/Other Wybie (voice) * [[w:Keith David|Keith David]] as The Cat * [[w:Ian McShane|Ian McShane]] as Sergei Alexander Bobinsky/Other Bobinsky (voice) * [[w:Jennifer Saunders|Jennifer Saunders]] as Miss April Spink/Other Spink (voice) * [[w:Dawn French|Dawn French]] as Miss Miriam Forcible/Other Forcible (voice) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} *{{imdb title|0327597|Coraline}} *{{rotten-tomatoes|coraline|Coraline}} [[Category:2009 films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated horror films]] [[Category:Stop-motion animated films]] [[Category:Animated films based on novels]] [[Category:Ghost films]] [[Category:Henry Selick films]] [[Category:Magic realism films]] hwciecdkvuluwl0xkaql5h268kt76f0 0 107775 3157868 3154000 2022-08-25T16:04:49Z 200.100.25.109 /* Way of the Dee Dee */ wikitext text/x-wiki Episodes == Season 1 == === Dimwit Dexter === *'''Factory Worker #1''': Sir, he can't make much long! *'''Factory Worker #2''': Just a little longer. *'''Factory Worker #3''': His sim asses are firing in arming incredibly rage. *'''Factory Worker #4''': Puncher rising! *'''Factory Worker #5''': She can't take it! *'''Factory Worker #6''': She's gonna blow! *''[Angrily, Dexter's face turns red, and Dexter begins to let out a loud yell with rage]'' *'''Factory Worker #7''': RUN!!! (The factory workers flee and run away) *''[Cut to the outside of Dexter's Lab, Dexter explodes his clothes off and causes fires in his lab]'' *''[The same explosion, the brain factory explodes]'' *''[After the explosion, Dexter was seen naked and filled with rage]'' *'''Factory Worker #8''': Shut it down. *''[The factory workers shut down the emotion factory]'' *''[After the emotion factory shuts down, Dexter is seen naked and emotionless]'' *'''Factory Worker #9''': He said all the systems have shut down. *'''Neighbor Boy''': Hey, everyone! Dexter's running around in his underpants! (echoing) Underpants! Underpants! Underpants! *''[As Dexter fills himself to maximum capacity with a water nose,he sprays water everywhere]'' === Dee Deemensional === :'''Dee Dee''': Oh Dexter! Dexter! Dexter! Come quick! You have to help! It's terrible! You sent me and you're all gross and- :'''Dexter''': ''[Annoyed]'' This better be important, woman. You are interrupting my very delicate calculations. :'''Dee Dee''': I have a message for you from the future. :'''Dexter''': ''[Taps his index finger on the table]'' From the future, huh? :'''Dee Dee''': Yes. You sent me back in time to- :'''Dexter''': Stop! If there was a message so important that it would require time travel, I would certainly not entrust it to my ''idiot'' sister. I would send myself. In other words...''[Shouting]'' I would not send you back in time even if..! If..if...''[Shouting]'' I was being eaten alive! :'''Dee Dee''': ''[Sobbing]'' Oh Dexter! Why are you being so terrible?! :'''Dexter''': Please...I have no time for your tears. Why don't you go back outside and talk to trees or whatever it is you do? :'''Dee Dee''': Fine! I will! And I'm not ever giving you the message! ''[Runs out of the lab, crying]'' :'''Dexter''': ''[Shrugs it off and continues work]'' Fine with me. === Dial M for Monkey: Magmanamus === === Maternal Combat === :[''Dad happily returns home to find two smoking robots and the shifty looking kids''] :'''Dad''': Hello honey! Hello Dexter! Hello Dee Dee! Hello honey! (''heads upstairs'') Hello honey! === Dexter Dodgeball === :'''Dexter''': ''[Hands his excuse note to the "Coach" and happly walks away]'' If you need me, I'll be in the Science Lab. :'''Substitute Coach''': What is this crap? :'''Dexter''': ''[Turns around in shock]'' Who are you? :'''Substitute Coach''': I'm your Substitute Coach. :'''Dexter''': But, But, But... :'''Substitute Coach''': '''QUIET!''' :'''Dexter''':...But My Excuse! :'''Substitute Coach''': ''[Rips the excuse letter in half]'' What Excuse?! Now! Suit up! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dee Dee''': You're out! === Dial M for Monkey: Rasslor === :'''Rasslor''': Welcome heroes of Earth!! You have been chosen to receive the most glorious of gifts! The opportunity to face me, the great Rasslor, in a contest of strength and skill! For Aeons, I have scoured the cosmos searching for the one adversary who could provide me with suitable sport! Although, I have yet to find such a noble soul. Each creature, each race, more pitiful than the last. So I spare them the disgrace of their weakness by destroying their worlds! And now my quest has brought me to this timid little planet you call Earth. So, terrestrial heroes, can one of you quench my thirst for the divine conflict, the supreme struggle?! Or will your planet be doomed to the same fate that has befallen so many? :''[The heroes stare at him, confused]'' :'''Heroes''': ...What? :'''Rasslor''': Fight me or I destroy the Earth! Now let the games begin! <hr width=50%/> :'''Rasslor''': Incredible. I could crush your body, I could smash your bones, but I could never break your spirit. You are a marvel little monkey. Any world that could spawn one as noble as you is truly blessed. I SPARE YOUR EARTH!!! === Dexter's Assistant === :'''Dexter''': Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': ''[sweetly]'' Assistant? :'''Dee Dee''': Yes? :'''Dexter''': Would you please assist me by...SHUTTING UP!? === Dexter's Rival === :'''Mandark''': Yes, Dexter, I ''can'' read your thoughts, and I ''am'' smarter than you. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mandark''': Welcome to my laboratory! (Echoing) Laboratory! Laboratory! === Jurassic Pooch === :'''Dexter''': ''[to the audience]'' Anybody want to buy a dinosaur? ''[episode ends]'' === Dee Dee's Room === :'''Dexter''': Why am I breathing so hard? === Star Spangled Sidekicks === :'''Dee Dee''': ''[laughs at Dexter's speech for wanting to be Major Glory's sidekick]'' :'''Dexter''': And what is so humorous about that? ''[Dee Dee continues laughing]'' Dee Dee stop this laughing this instant! :'''Dee Dee''': Okay, okay Dexter, don't get your underwear into a wrinkle. Look...You're my brother and all so I'll be honest with ya...''[amused]'' You've gotta be kidding me! ''[seriously]'' You don't got what takes. Just look at ya...''[measures Dexter]'' You're two foot nothing. ''[camera zooms on Dexter's glasses]'' You can barely see ''[puts her arm around Dexter's shoulder]'' and besides everything...You're a dork! ''[smiles]'' :'''Dexter''': ''[yells in frustration]'' :'''Dexter''': And I suppose you have what it takes to be a superhero's sidekick? :'''Dee Dee''': ''[shrugs]'' Of course. I have style, pizzazz, and I can punch and kick some. You know. ''[Dexter opens his mouth to talk]'' Yes? :'''Dexter''': ''[drops it]'' Forget it. ''[walks upstairs]'' There's nothing to be said. I will be Major Glory's sidekick and you will not. :'''Dee Dee''': ''[shouts upstairs]'' That's what you think Dexter! :'''Dexter''': No, Dee Dee! That's what I know. === Game Over === :'''Dexter''': 'Master Computer?' Wow dad, thanks, a video game... An OLD video game... :'''Dad''': Well, I know how much you like gadgets and stuff, Dexter, but what you've got there is more than just a video game: It's a bargain! Got it for a nickel from a gypsy! === Babysitter Blues === :'''Dee Dee''': Hello! :'''Dexter''': Dee Dee, get off the phone! :'''Dee Dee''': Okay, but I'm still trying to find whatever it was I was looking for. :'''Dexter''': Great, okay, bye. :'''Dee Dee''': Bye! :'''Dexter''': Bye. :'''Dee Dee''': Bye! :'''Dexter''': BYE! :'''Dexter''': (''sounds like Lisa's boyfriend on her end of the phone'') Oh, I guess we just got cut off. But I wanted to call you back and tell you that you have got cooties and I am love with....with...my football. Bye. === Dream Machine === :'''Dexter''': Well, if you are the grandfather of all knowledge, that means it's...'''I'M IN A NIGHTMARE!!!! === The Big Cheese === :'''Dexter''': Omelette du fromage. === Way of the Dee Dee === :'''Dexter''': (enraged at Dee Dee) '''WHY DO YOU DO THIS?! YOU ARE SO STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! '''Oh, and let's not forget...'''''YOU'RE SO STUPID!''''' :'''Dee Dee''': Ow! (Rubs her face) Oh yeah!? Well just because I know how to have fun doesn't mean I'm stupid! I may not know all that scientifical makna logical stuff, but I know how to climb a tree, and I know how to pet a kitty just right. And I know how to tie my own shoes Mr zipper boot!... Actually, I feel sorry for you, Dexter. You're like a pickle - sour, and all bottled up in your laboratory. Toiling away alone in the dark, searching for answers to questions nobody asked. Locked away from the world, never to experience the ''true'' mysteries of life. Well, you can keep your cold, sterile little lab, because for me, the world is my laboratory! Goodbye, Dexter. I shan't impose on you ever again. :''[She leaves the lab; after a moment of silent contemplation, Dexter rushes out after her]'' :'''Dexter''': DEE DEE! ''[sadly]'' Everything you said was true! I don't want to be a pickle! But I need your help. Show me the way to be free, show me the way of the Dee Dee! <hr width=50 :'''Dee Dee''': Discard those ravlings which tie you to the lab. ''[spongebob looks down at his clothes]'' spongebob, you can spare hector con carne? :'''spongebob''': Mrs, you can this light off? Yes or no? :'''Dee Dee''': Do not fear, little one. The first step is always the hardest. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dee Dee''': ''[grabs spongebob and eddy]'' Stop it, spongebob! Look at yourself! You're a MONSTER! :'''spongebob''': oh no. I can't seeing you looking No longer a quiet creator but a mad destroyer! ''[sobs]'' :'''spongebob''': Uh dee dee? STOP TO CRYING LOOK AT YOURSELF! LOOK AT YOURSELF! :'''dee dee''': I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have pushed you! :'''spongebob''': THIS PINKY OF DEXTER?! SHUT UP!!!! :'''dee dee''': I know now it wasn't my place to try to change you! :'''spongebob''': YOU CAN DESTROYING LAB TOO! :'''dee dee''': Oh spongebob, please forgive me. :'''spongebob''': NO DEE DEE PLEASE STOP IT, IM NOT A MONSTER! [Spongebob crying] [Spongebob reaches his hand out to Dee Dee. She then leaves the lab]'' OH, WHAT HAVE I DONE?! ''[still sobbing]'' === Say Uncle Sam === :'''Major Glory''': Now we are going to over this again and again and again untill we get it right! Comprende? :''[Valhallen and Crunk glare at Major Glory angrily]'' :'''Major Glory''': ''[Nervously]'' Perhaps I've pushed you too hard <hr width=50%/> :'''Major Glory''': Uncle Sam! What happened to you?! :'''Uncle Sam''': Doctor's orders, nephew. Told me I was too high strung. Told me to loosen up. And I feel great. === Monstory === :'''Dexter''': This isn't one of your stupid knock-knock jokes, is it? <hr width="50%"> :'''Dee Dee''': ''[as a spider-like monster]'' Dexter! I see you! :'''Dexter''': ''[drinks a vat of chemical waste nearby and confronts Dee Dee as a Godzilla-like monster]'' This ends now! :'''Dee Dee''': But I'm not finished! <hr width="50%"> :''[Dee Dee defeats Dexter after they fight as giant monsters]'' :'''Dee Dee''': NOW you'll listen! So the boy told the girl in the park on the pony... "Knock-knock!" :'''Dexter''': NOOOOOO!!!! == Season 2 == === Beard to Be Feared === :'''Dee Dee''': That is one rugged brother... :'''Mee-Mee and Lee-Lee''': Shut your mouth! :'''Dee Dee''': I'm only talkin' 'bout Dexter. :'''Mee-Mee and Lee-Lee''': We can dig it. === Ant Pants === :'''Dexter''': Ants are... :'''Dee Dee''': Icky! :'''Dexter''': To be respected. :'''Dee Dee''': Icky! :'''Dexter''': To be respected. :'''Dee Dee''': Icky! :'''Dexter''': To be respected. === Chubby Cheese === :'''Evil Commander''': We will meet again, little man. :'''Pedro The Mouse''': Yes! === That Crazy Robot === <hr width="50%"> :'''Mom''': (To Dee Dee) Dee Dee, you've got to go to school. :'''Dee Dee''': (To the robot) School schmool. I want to stay home and play with you! :'''Robot''': I'll come to school with you. :'''Dee Dee''': Silly robot! School is for kids. :'''Robot''': Please? I'll polish your pencils, carry your books, eat your sandwich, yum. (bites sandwich) === D & DD === :'''Dee Dee:''' You can be this guy! :'''Dexter''': What?! :'''Valerian''': Well, it seems Hodo the furry-footed burrower has joined in our quest! :'''Dexter''': I don't wanna be no furry-footed burrower. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter/Hodo''': I unsheath my deadly...mandolin?! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dee Dee/Bachelorette''': Okay, say we're stranded alone on an island. Do you have any skills that would come in handy, bachelor number 4? :'''Dexter/Hodo''': I'd dig holes. === Hamhocks and Armlocks === :'''Dexter''': ''[Shouting at the truck passing by]'' Hey! Who do you think you are?! King of the Road?! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': What are Hamhocks? :'''Dee Dee''': They're gross! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dad''': Earl! You can humilate me. You can destroy my property. But don't you ever close a door on a lady, especially my Wife! You and me wrestle. Be there...or be square! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dad''': Earl! You ready, Earl? Let's do this! === The Koos is Loose === :'''Koosalagoopagoop''': You know, if you turn your lips inside out, you can look like Jimmy Carter. === Book 'Em === :'''Dexter''': More learning material...? ''[gasps and looks at the library stamp]'' No stamp?! This book has been illegally checked out! <hr width="50%"> :'''Mrs L''': Oh, Dexter, how could you? Your actions have brought shame upon this library! For this you shall be punished! YOU'RE BANNED FROM THE LIBRARY '''FOREVER!''' ''[stamps Dexter's head that is written banned as he falls he saw Mrs L's face, three biting books, Dee Dee's creepy face with creepy teeth Dexter's Dad's face and the fire that resembles hell]'' :'''Dexter''': AAAAAAAAAAHH!!! :'''Dee Dee''': Good-bye, Dexter. :'''Dexter's Dad''': You are welcome. :'''Dexter''': AAAAAAAAAAHH! ''[falls into the hole from the book written inferno Dante's with the pitchfork sign on it as he landed on a book chair]'' :'''Devil''': ''[slaps Dexter while he is laughing at Dexter]'' Welcome to library heck. ''[then he starts the evil laugh]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': The book must be returned. Just do it! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dee Dee''': Hey! Librari-ann! We quit! You win! :'''Dexter''': Traitor! :'''Mrs L''': What? Why, Dee Dee, thank you for apprehending your loudmouth brother. I see good things in your future. ''[to Dexter, unhappily]'' And as for you, Mr. Dexter... :'''Dexter''': ''[grumbles to himself and shakes]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': ''[reading a story for Dee Dee and several other kids]'' And so, after Prince asked Mr. Grumpster to leave nicely, everyone in Snuggleville gave each other a warm, fuzzy hug. The end. ...Blech. === Shoo, Shoe Gnomes === * ''[After learning that Dee Dee was gonna pass out cookies to the gnomes]'' * '''Dexter''': Stupid me. === Lab of the Lost === :'''Dexter''': Look, there's R2-D2! === Labels === * ''[Later that night, Dexter guzzles down apple juice and cannot stop drinking it despite his bloated belly]'' * ''[Dexter, who has somehow gotten the "Dee Dee" label off, and Dee Dee are being made to clean off every single label as punishment for the mess they made]'' * '''Dexter''': I sure hope you're happy, Dee Dee, considering this is all your fault. * '''Dee Dee''': No way! '''''YOU''''' started it, Dorkster! '''''YOU''''' put labels on all my dolls! * '''Dexter''': Well, you were the one that labeled all the food! * '''Dexter's Mom''': Honey, why is the carpet all wet here? === Filet of Soul === :'''Dad''': What can we say about our beloved Fishy? :'''Dee Dee''': Not much, we only had him for one day. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': Good night Einstein. Good night Major Glory! Good night, ghost of dead Fishy. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': Dee Dee! Did you see the disgusting spook-fish that almost killed me? :'''Dee Dee''': No. I just like to run around and scream real loud! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': Dee Dee! ''[Dee Dee is flushed down into the toilet bowl]'' No! Dee Dee, come back! Dee Dee, I'm ordering you to come out of this toilet! :'''Dee Dee''': ''[her apparition appears in the shower]'' ''Dexter, help me! I am trapped in the Sewer Beyond!'' :'''Dexter''': No, you're not! I just saw you go down the toilet! :'''Dee Dee''': ''Listen to me! There's lots of bad fishies and stuff here and they won't let me go! They won't rest until Fishy is on the other side! You've got to flush Fishy, Dexter!'' :'''Dexter''': ''[tries to reach Fishy's corpse]'' Can't reach! It's no use! My arms, they are too short! :'''Dee Dee''': ''Come on, genius boy! Figure it out!'' :'''Dexter''': ''[grabs a toilet plunger and pulls Dee Dee out. The apparition of Dee Dee disappears from the shower and Dee Dee is freed]'' Dee Dee, flush the fish, NOW! :''[Dee Dee tosses Fishy's corpse into the toilet bowl and flushes it down]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Dee Dee''': Whew! I'm sure glad that's over. Huh? :''[A tentacle extends out of the toilet bowl, grabs Dee Dee and pulls her back into the toilet]'' :'''Dexter''': LOOK OUT! EGAD! :'''Dee Dee''': Help me! Dexter, it's pulling me back, and they're angry, Dexter, REAL ANGRY! :'''Dexter''': ''[grabs the handle trying to pull Dee Dee free]'' Why?! We flushed the stupid fish! :'''Dee Dee''': Its soul, Dexter! It's still in the trap! ''[the Apparition Containment Unit shakes up with a WARNING signal active in Dexter's room]'' DO SOMETHING! ''[Dexter reaches for the fishing rod and grabs it just as the toilet begins flushing her down]'' HEEEEEEEELP!!! :''[Dexter casts his fishing rod. The line extends from the bathroom to Dexter's room, at which point the hook presses the containment unit's "open" button. This frees Fishy's soul and he follows the fishing line's path into the bathroom. Just as Dexter pulls Dee Dee out of the toilet, Fishy happily goes down into it and travels into the Sewer Beyond, departing into the afterlife. Dad then walks in to see the two of them sitting of the floor.]'' :'''Dad''': How many times have I told you? Early morning is daddy's special bathroom privacy time. ''[Upon the flash of lightning, he gains golden glowing eyes with slit pupils and sharp teeth and laughs maniacally]'' === Golden Diskette === :'''Dexter and Prof. Hawk's fans''': You crazy girl! Look what you've done! :'''Professor Hawk''': Not to worry boys. ''[to Dee Dee]'' Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU. Thank you. :'''Dexter and Prof. Hawk's fans''': Hey! Hey! Hey! What's happening here, Professor? :'''Professor Hawk''': Oh, now, boys, hold on. It's very simple. You see, for the past several years I focused on brain power leading my body to wither. But this young princess reminded me how important my body was, with her innocence and naivety. :'''Dexter and Prof. Hawk's fans''': Princess?! But what about the mysterious grand prize? :'''Professor Hawk''': Mmm-hmm. You're right. I've got it! Let's have dance contest. Whoever wins, wins the factory! === Snowdown === :'''Dexter''': I know she is my sister, a girl and the neighbourhood champ, but could you please tell Dee Dee to stop PUMMELLING ME WITH SNOWBALLS?! :'''Dad''': Did you say...snowballs? :'''Dexter''': Uh....Yeah.... :'''Dad''': They...called me Champ. Back when I had...the gift. (''flashes back to his childhood'') I was a natural from day one. As I grew, so did my skills. In high school, I was untouchable! :'''High school kid''': Hey, grow up man! :'''Dad (VO)''': They were all just jealous! Jealous of my powers! For I was a king, a force of nature, I was the ultimate snowball warrior! Then I went to college. I was never the same again! (''remembers being struck by one snowball'') :'''Dad''': That....was the coldest winter...ever... But that's where you come in! You can help me reclaim my title! :'''Dexter''': Why not just let Dee Dee do it? :'''Dad''': No! Her powers are evil. Only as father and son can we truly carry on the legacy. Let the training begin! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dad''': Dexter, five words: Scoop, roll, throw, hit, duck! === Mock 5 === :'''Dad''': The first thing any racer needs is a car! All the best racers drive cars it's how they go but cars don't grow on trees! Except this one 'cos it's made of wood. Behold, the Mock 5! <hr width="50%"> :'''Mandark''': It's Racer D! The most beautiful racer in the world! Racer D.... ''[crashes his kart]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Dad''': I can't look, did he crash? No! No, he did just the opposite, he won! Winning is the part I enjoy most about racing especially when the winner is my son! Congratulations Dexter, you've made me very proud. :'''Dexter''': Thanks, Dad. :'''Dad''': If only your.... ''[sniffling]'' older sister Dee Dee were here to see this... :'''Dee Dee''': I'm right here, Dad! :'''Dad''': Oh, Dee Dee..! Dee Dee, where have you been all these years?! :'''Dee Dee''': Right behind you. :'''Dad''': Oh, you know I never look back there, ha-ha! :'''Dexter''': Huh?! No, Monkey! That's not candy! That's boiling lava! === Ewww That's Growth === :'''Dee Dee''': Hey Dexter, looks like we're next. Dexter?! :'''Dexter''': Oh boy! Oh boy! We're next! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': I'm on top of the WORLD!!! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': This is the greatest day of my entire life! ''[his head gets hit by the top edge of the roller coaster's tunnel]'' === A Hard Day's Day === :'''Dee Dee''': Mom! Dexter's mooning me! === Road Rash === :'''Dee Dee''': Can't catch me! === The Justice Friends: Things That Go Bonk in the Night === :'''Major Glory''': You want a piece of me, junior?! :'''Puppet Pal Mitch''': Oh-hoo! You're bonking up the wrong tree, buddy! === Dexter is Dirty === :'''Mom''': Dex, it's time for your bath! :'''Dexter''': But I'll miss my show! :'''Mom''': Don't argue with me, young man, just do it! === Ice Cream Scream === :'''Ice Cream Man''': You are wanting to know why? You mean you do not remember? :'''Dexter''': Remember what? :'''Ice Cream Man''': April 19, one year ago: It is first day on job. Everything is going great, until you come. You want the most expensive ice cream. I make suggestion of cheaper ice cream, but no, you want expensive one. And after I'm giving you ice cream, you pay with PENNIES. Do you know how long it took me to count those pennies? :'''Dexter''': Emm... at an average human rate, I'd estimate about 5 hours and 33 minutes? :'''Ice Cream Man''': Precisely. And when the counting was done, it is time to put pennies in safe. Then I'm noticing my shoelaces untied. Now, I couldn't very well stop to tie my shoes since somebody had given me a heavy jar of pennies to hold, and the ice cream man rules say to keep any amount of money OVER a dollar in the safe. So, I trip, and I break my tooth. The pain, it is so bad. My girlfriend left me, I lose apartment, I lose car, I'm forced to live on the freeway with wild animals, I CAN'T EVEN EAT ICE CREAM BECAUSE OF THE PAIN! '''ALL BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPID PENNIES!!''' (''screams angrily, then breathes hardly'') :'''Dexter''': (''chuckles'') You know, I still have all of my baby teeth. Ern... I'm sorry. I'm really, really, really, REALLY sorry. :'''Ice Cream Man''': Forget about it, kid. :'''Dexter''': Well, in that bad case, can I order my ice cream now? :'''Ice Cream Man''': Sure. :'''Dexter''': I'll just have a Choco-Pop, please. (''The Ice Cream Man gives him a Choco-Pop ice cream'') At last, ice cream to eat! :'''Ice Cream Man''': Dollar fifty, please. :'''Dexter''': (''gives a hundred dollar bill to Ice Cream Man'') You got change for a hundred? :(''Ice Cream Man screams angrily again'') === Ultrajerk 2000 === :'''Ultrabot 2000''': Greetings, Dexter. Welcome to my laboratory. :'''Dexter''': Emm, excuse me. But, did you say ''your'' laboratory? :'''Ultrabot 2000''': Yes, Dexter. My laboratory. While you slumbered, I began an analysis of your primitive laboratory finding it to be highly inefficient. I discovered that by salvaging useful components and destroying obsolete ones, I was able to create this tower capable of performing functions thousands of times greater than its predecessor, rendering a former laboratory and its creator ''obsolete''. And all obsolete materials must be destroyed. :'''Dexter''': ''[chuckles]'' Well, then. It sounds like you had a busy night. I'll just unplug it for a little while and you can get some rest. ''[Ultrabot 4000 Observation Unit attacks him]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': I have created a monster. I got to destroy him. :'''Ultrabot 2000''': I heard that. ''[Ultrabot 4000 Observation Unit attacks him again]'' :'''Dexter''': His laboratory, eh? We'll just see about that. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dee Dee''': ''[arrives]'' Hi, Dexter! :'''Ultrabot 2000''': Attention, new organism. You are intruding in my laboratory. Prepare to be destroyed. :'''Dee Dee''': Hey, Dexter, what are you doing way up there? :'''Ultrabot 2000''': I am not Dexter. Dexter is obsolete. I am Ultrabot 2000. :'''Dee Dee''': Gee, Dexter. You look like Dexter. :'''Ultrabot 2000''': Not Dexter. Ultrabot 2000. Dexter is obsolete. :'''Dee Dee''': You sound like Dexter too, Dexter. :'''Ultrabot 2000''': Dexter is obsolete and must be destroyed. I am Omnibot, the most efficient life form in the universe. :'''Dee Dee''': Boy, you sure act like Dexter. And if you look like Dexter, sound like Dexter and act like Dexter, then you MUST be Dexter! :'''Ultrabot 2000''': ''[Ultrabot 4000 Observation Units aim at it]'' I am not Dexter. Dexter must be destroyed. :'''Dee Dee''': Whatever you say, Dexter. OK, see you later, Dexter. ''[leaves]'' :'''Ultrabot 2000''': No. Wait. Don't listen to her. ''[Ultrabot 4000 Observation Units attack it and the control tower explodes]'' ''[Dexter approaches Omnibot's slightly active eye and kicks it, shutting it down]'' === Dee Dee Be Deep === * Dee Dee: [Singing] What's with all the noise, Dexter?! === The Muffin King === *'''Dad''': Like? Like?! Kids, I loved her muffins more than life itself. Those muffins are the reason I married your mother. <hr width=50%/> *'''Dad''': [Dressed as Mom] Muffin Time!! <hr width=50%/> *'''Dad''':[Hidden in the dark] Dexter. Son, could you come in here for a moment? I need to talk to you. *'''Dexter''': And just what is it you want? *'''Dad''':[steps out of the shadows, with a presence like Darth Vader] Dexter. I... am your father! *'''Dexter'''[shocked]That is not possible![but returns back to reality]Oh wait, no, you're right. *'''Dad''': So join me! Come to the Muffin Side. Do not resist. It is your destiny. *'''Dexter''': Never! === Dexter Detention === :'''Dexter''': We are free!!! :'''Prison Warden''': Looks like you broke into the state prison. === Don't Be a Baby === :'''Dexter''': Computer, what the heck is going on?! :'''Computer''': Goo goo ga ga goo goo pee-pee! :'''Dexter''': Hmm, yes, pee-pee... <hr width="50%"> :'''Dee Dee''': Dad stop being a stinker! :''[She picks Dad up and then sniffs the air smelling something stinky] :'''Dee Dee''': Ew, speaking of stinky...time to change your diaper! :''[She sets Dad down on the floor and proceeds to change his diaper, afterwards holding up the dirty diaper which has a large brown spot on the seat] :'''Dee Dee''': That's better...now a little powder. :''[She sprinkles a whole lot of baby powder which fills the air causing Dad to cough] :'''Dee Dee''': All done! === Topped Off === :'''Dexter's Dad''': Hmm... What the? ''[cuts to mugs leaking coffee, coffee pot, and milk]'' The kitchen's a mess. Something wrong here. ''[eyes go open]'' ''[searches through cabinets]'' Coffee, coffee, where's the coffee? Hello, coffee? '''WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE COFFEE?!?!?!''' :'''Dee Dee''': Uh... :'''Dexter and Dee Dee''': We drank it all. ''[Dad looks shocked, then eerily calm]'' :'''Dexter's Dad''': You... drank the coffee? ''[laughs]'' ''You'' two drank the coffee? :'''Dexter and Dee Dee''': ''[nervous giggling]'' :'''Dexter's Dad''': ''[laughing]'' ''[goes upset]'' Where did I go wrong? I thought I was a good father. I thought I brought you kids up right. You see, kids, coffee is what we adults need to get started in the morning. It's the key to our ignition. You kids don't need it. No. You've got youth. We adults need the coffee. But now, all we have is... ''[holds up empty coffee pot]'' THIS!!! ''[tries to get a drop from the coffee pot but nothing comes out]'' Empty! A mere shell of its former self! I've seen some pretty horrible things in my life. But this... this is just... ''[lowers his voice to a hiss]'' ''SICK!'' ''[sobbing]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[Dexter and Dee standing in front of Dexter's parents in their morning clothes drinking coffee]'' :'''Dexter's Dad''': Everything is going to be OKAY! We had coffee after all! ''[with a bit frightened look]'' But what if we didn't? === No Power Trip === :'''Dad''': Hon, when's the last time we washed the car? === The Laughing === :'''Clown''': Joke time! Joke time! Joke time! Alright, kids. Why is 6 afraid of 7? (beat) 'Cause 7 8 9! :''[the kids, minus Dexter, burst into laughter]'' :'''Dexter''': I don't get it. === Dexter's Lab: A Story === :[''The dog is roaming around under the table sniffing around the family''] :'''Dad''': So, Dexter, where's your new buddy? Oh! Well, hello down there! :'''Dog''': Hey! It's the man from before! :'''Mom''': Oh! :'''Dog''': This one's a lady! :'''Mom''': He certainly is friendly. :'''Dee Dee''': Oh!!!!!!! Yeah, a little ''too'' friendly. :'''Dog''': IT'S THE STICK! === Better Off Wet === :'''Dee Dee''': Hmm... Now where was I going? (a bit of the roof lands on her head) POOL! (She takes off like a jack rabbit, wearing her swimsuit, and sandals, arrives at the pool outside, flips off her slippers and puts on her swimming cap) Hurry up, Dexter! (rides the slide and lands into the pool before she squirts out water) :'''Dexter''': I am not ready yet. (He takes his hat, dressing gown, and takes off his sandals, showing his purple swimming trunks) :'''Dexter's Mom''': Dexter, ready to get wet?! :'''Dexter''': Almost!! (he rubs sunscreen onto his arms) :'''Dexter's Dad''': (he appears behind Dexter's Mom) Hi, Dexter! (the camera pans in on a shocked Dexter) :'''Dexter''': NO!!! (He takes off) :'''Dexter's Dad''': Dexter? (He looks around) :'''Dexter''': (blinks on the roof, thinking he is safe) Phew... :'''Dexter's Mom''': (She jumps into the pool) Come on in, Dexter, the water's great! :'''Dexter''': Okay, Mom. :''' Mee Mee and Lee Lee''': Hey, Dee Dee! We're here! :'''Dee Dee''': Hi, girls, come on in! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dexter's Dad''': Boy, they sure are talented. :'''Dexter''': You said it. (realizes Dad was right next to him) :'''Dexter's Dad''': Boo! :'''Dexter''': (he screams in terror, Dad tries to push push him into the water, but he only bounces off of Dee Dee, Mee Mee, and Lee Lee's heads. He pants only for a short while) Phew! :'''Dexter's Dad''': Darn, I just can't get that kid! (He notices Dexter's Mom walking up to the pool) Oh, well! (Dad pushes Mom into the pool) <hr width=50%/> :'''Dexter's Dad''': Good job, son, you finally made it in the pool. :'''Dexter''': Thanks, Dad, I don't know I was so shy of the water. (Dexter's Parents and sister laugh because Dexter is naked because he has lost his trunks!) === Let's Save the World You Jerk! === :''[Earth is destroyed by meteors]'' :'''Dexter''': That was all your fault, you gnome! :'''Mandark''': No way! You're taking the heat for this one, Dexter! === Rushmore Rumble === :'''Dexter''': [screaming] :'''Dee Dee''': HI DEXTER! Penny for your throughts? :'''Dexter''': I'm thinking Lincoln! <hr width="50%"> :'''Timmy's Mom''': Timmy, why don't you go and play outside? :'''Timmy''': Is it safe? :'''Timmy's Mom''': Well if course it is. :'''Timmy''': Okay. ''[runs outside the house]'' La La La La La La La La La La La. ''[plays with toy cars, sees the giant statues of Washington and Lincoln walking by, then screams, runs back to the house and slams the door]'' === The Old Switcharooms === :'''Mom''': You Kids are in big trouble. <hr width="50%"> :''[Dee Dee and Dad enter Dee Dee's room and see that Dexter has destroyed it and is naked]'' :'''Dad''': Argh! :'''Dee Dee''': ''[gasps]'' Dexter, you're naked! ''[knocks the trophy out Dad's hands, destroying it]'' :'''Dexter''': Now look what you did Dee Dee. You clumsy fool! :'''Dad''': Argh! :''[Cut to Dexter who is now in the doghouse, having switched "rooms" with the family dog]'' :'''Dexter''': Uh? Well, at least I don't have to worry about the dog destroying my lab. :''[Cut to the dog barking and howling and destroying Dexter's lab]'' === Trick or Treehouse === :'''Dee Dee''': Well, well. Look who's smaller than a breadbox. :'''Dexter''': ''[inside the breadbox]'' Dee Dee! Let me out of here! :'''Dee Dee''': Ha! I didn't know you could stick your beak into my business, and to get even, I get to go play around in your lab. :'''Dexter''': Please! Dee Dee! No! No! Let me out! :'''Dee Dee''': See you 'round, shortbread! :'''Dexter''': Dee Dee! No! No! Please! Let me out! No! No! Please! No! No! No! No! :'''Dee Dee''': ''[giggles in Dexter's laboratory]'' :'''Dexter''': Please! No! No! === Accent You Hate === :'''Gary''': You know, kid. You’ve got a funny accents. And if you haven’t read I hate kids with funny accents. <hr width="50%"> :'''Gary''': Get away from me! SHUT UP! '''''I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!''''' :''[The statue punches Gary. The kids gasp. Gary's face grows red and big]'' :'''Gary''': My face! It hurts! :'''Pirate Kid''': Arr! Now look who has the funny accent! === DiM === :'''Dee Dee''': You know they're all gonna burn out eventually. :'''Dexter''': I know... === Repairanoid === :'''Mom''': When an electrical problem arises, I call a specialist! ''[Dad appears with a helmet and tool belt]'' No, honey. Not you. === sdrawkcaB (Backwards) === :'''Dexter''': ''[wears a Reverse Belt and walks backwards]'' !skrow tI !skrow tI .elbidercni si siht ,woW .snoitca nwo ym esrever yllautca oT ''[to Robot]'' .drawrof ,hguone si taht ,toboR ,yakO .drawroF ''[starts to get angry]'' --rof ,ydaerla thgirlA ''[gasps in reverse]'' .em ylliS ''[laughs in reverse]'' .mehA ''[to normal]'' ''Forward''. :'''Robot''': Forward. ''[sets the lever from Reverse to Forward to Red to Green]'' :'''Dexter''': ''[walks normally]'' Wow, my Reverse Belt is a success! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': Reverse! ''[[falling up with activating switch]'' ''Forward!'' ''[falling down]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': ''[gasps]'' Dee Dee?! ''[switch activates]'' !?eeD eeD ''[gasps in reverse]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': You! What do you think you're doing? Do you have any idea what trouble you have been causing? First, I lose my lunch, and then Mom is gonna kill me, and Dad is probably in the hospital, and another thing-- === The Continuum of Cartoon Fools === :'''Dexter''': Ah... Now I can get some work done in peace. :[''The screen pans over to reveal Dee Dee working on an invention'']: :'''Dee Dee''': Hey Dexter, can you please pass the atomizer? :'''Dexter''': Oh certainly. (He than screams in shock that Dee Dee has gotten in his lab again, and Dee Dee unwillingly screams with him. They both stop and breath very hard.) :'''Dexter''': (Dexter began to get angry.) All right, how the heck did you get in here?! (He pushes her to a tube) Did you get in through the 2-Dimensional Facial Filter? (He presses a button and then Dee Dee started to inflate with her body over filling the tube she was in. She then turns completely flat and then is rushed down a very narrow passage way.) Yes! (Dexter then pulls out a lazer gun called the discom bobulatur and zaps the 2-Dimensional Facial Filter destroying it. Dee Dee now completely flat suddenly walks up to Dexter.) :'''Dee Dee''': No. :'''Dexter''': Did you get in through the secret Molecular Disconfiguration Access Port? (He tosses the flat Dee Dee inside, presses a button, and Dee Dee was absorbed into molecules and is shot out of the lab. Dexter then grabs out a lazer gun called the meltron and zaps the Molecular Disconfiguration Access Port melting it. Dee Dee in normal shape again appears next to Dexter.) :'''Dee Dee''': No. :'''Dexter''': A ha! You came in through the secret Sky Port. (They come into a room with a pigeon in it. The pigeon coos at them.) :'''Dee Dee''': You're kidding? :'''Dexter''': Cassius, emergency exit! (Cassius then grabs on to Dee Dee's pigtails and flies her out of the lab.) :'''Cassius''': It's a living. :'''Dexter''': (Boards up the sky port.) Phew <hr width="50%"> :[''Dexter swallows the key to the secret bookcase entrance''] :'''Dexter''': THERE! NOW NO ONE'S GETTING IN! ''[maniacal laugh]'' :'''Dee Dee''': Hmmm... Yep. ''No one's'' getting into Dexter's Lab now. ''[leaves]'' :''[Dexter's smile of insanity turns into a look of horror]'' :'''Dexter''': ......Uhhh, oh my dear... In my overwhelming zeal to banish my sister from the lab, I have indeed locked myself out! Too blinded was I not to foresee the most piteous of fates. I have thus performed the ultimate tragic irony! ''[now standing in front of the 'The End' title card]'' Surely, I am the fool of fools on a par with no other. I am no better than [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wile_E._Coyote that stupid coyote] or [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daffy_Duck that crazy duck]! Look at me, ''look at me!'' I am locked in a continuum of cartoon fools! I am doomed to a life of comic mishap adventures and social indignations! And now, here I stand before you, beaten, defeated and alone... === Misplaced in Space === :'''Alien''': Gork. :'''Dexter''': (''translating on his watch'') 'Food?' Yeah, 'food'. You ate mine, yours, and everybody else's! :'''Alien''': Gork. :'''Dexter''': You can't still be hungry :'''Alien''': Gork... :'''Dexter''': Wh...Why are you looking at me like that? :'''Alien''': GORK! === Dee Dee's Rival === :'''Dee Dee''': Dexter! Dexter! ''[Dexter smashed his control with a hammer]'' Oh Dexter. I'm so glad you're here! I need your help! There's a new girl in dance class and she thinks she's better than me. And I want to be a star of the show and thought... :'''Lala Vala''': ...use your science junk to help me beat that skinny creep. :'''Dee Dee''': I have to win, Dexter. Or else... :'''Lala Vala''': ...I'll be forced to break your nerdy... :'''Dee Dee''': ...face any of the kids in class again! Please! Oh please! Oh... :'''Mandark''': ...Oh Please don't hurt me! Please don't hurt me! I'll do it. :'''Dexter''': But you better keep up your end of the bargain and I'll handle the rest. :'''Dee Dee''': Oh thank you, Dexter. ''[kisses Dexter's nose and laughs]'' :'''Lala Vala''' ''[flings Mandark's nose and laughs]'' === Pslightly Psycho === :'''Dexter, Dee Dee and Dad''': Happy Mother's Day! :'''Mom''': New Gloves! === Blackfoot and Slim === :'''Narrator''': The Concrete Jungle. Deep within its seemingly endless towers, glass, steel and mortar, life exists. <hr width="50%"> :'''Narrator''': For someday, we shall return to check up on this wonderful creature. This wonderful world of Blackfoot. === Trapped With a Vengeance === :'''Yani:''' ''[narrating]'' My job is simple. After the designated hours of education, the children exit to return home, while I clean, sweep and prepare their environment for the next day of education in sterile surroundings. For I am Yani the janitor. It is an uncomplicated job that leaves me much time after to spend with my beloved wife, but one children continues to complicate situation and torture. Night after night, he stays much time past designated hours, and when he decides to go he leaves a residue of filth that prolongs me for my beloved for several more hours. And when I return home, my love is taking a slumber and waking her would be catastrophical. So I wait and I plan, until the day that he will be to exit quickly for something important, for then I will have him... TRAPPED WITH A VENGEANCE! <hr width="50%"> :'''Yani:''' Yello, Dexter. :'''Dexter:''' What're ya, crazy or somethin'?! === The Parrot Trap === :'''Dexter's Parrot:''' (in Dee Dee's voice) Dexter's a cookie! :'''Dexter:''' (angrily) I am not a cookie! :'''Dexter's Parrot:''' Dexter's a cookie! :'''Dexter:''' Am not! :'''Dexter's Parrot:''' Are too, cookie! (''Dexter violently shakes the stick the parrot is on, and it switches into Dexter's voice'') I'm gonna bop you one, girl! (''Dexter slams the parrot onto his desk, and it segues back into Dee Dee's voice) COOKIE! (Dexter repeatedly slams the parrot onto the table, until it is later seen beaten nearly into submission, and is flying away) :'''Dexter:''' Good riddance! That has to be my worst invention yet! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter's Dad:''' Who's trying to sneak up on me? :'''Parrot:''' Dexter, boy genius. Dexter the cookie! :'''Dexter's Dad:''' Shhhh I'm trying to watch my show! :'''Parrot:''' I'm gonna bop you! :'''Dexter's Dad:''' That is no way to talk to you- :'''Parrot:''' You are a stupid girl! Get out get out get out! Yup yup yup! Don't touch anything! :''(Dexter's Dad crawls away in fear)'' :'''Dexter's Dad:''' I-I-I-I-I'm sorry :'''Dexter's Parrot:''' (in Dee Dee's voice) You're a cookie! (in Dexter's voice) Get out get out get out! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter's Mom:''' Alright, let's see. I'll need two eggs... :''(Dexter's Mom cracks open two eggs and places them into the cooking bowl beside her)'' :'''Dexter's Mom:''' One stick of butter... :''(Takes a stick of butter placed near her and places it into the cooking bowl)'' :'''Dexter's Mom:''' A half a cup of sugar... :''(Dexter's Mom walks over to the left side of the kitchen counter where several containers lay as well as Dexter's Parrot. Mom takes some sugar and places it into the cooking bowl)'' :''(Dexter's Mom walks over to a spice rack inside the kitchen where various spices are seen as well as Dexter's Parrot from out of nowhere)'' :'''Dexter's Mom:''' A pinch of cinnamon. :'''Parrot:''' A cup of cinnamon. :'''Dexter's Mom:''' A cup of cinnamon. :'''Parrot:''' A quart of pepper. :'''Dexter's Mom:''' A quart of pepper. :'''Parrot:''' A box of olives. :'''Dexter's Mom:''' A box of peppers. :'''Parrot:''' Yup, yup, yup! :''(Dexter's Mom opens the refrigerator door inside the kitchen where the Parrot is seen inside once again)'' :'''Dexter's Mom:''' A block of cheese. :'''Parrot:''' A block of cheese. :'''Dexter's Mom:''' A gallon of milk. :'''Parrot:''' A gallon of milk. :''(Dexter's Mom takes the Parrot out of the refridgerator)'' :'''Parrot:''' Are you sneaking up on me?!? :''(Mom back at the kitchen counter using the Parrot as a coffee boiler and pouring it into the bowl)'' :'''Dexter's Mom:''' A cup of coffee. :'''Parrot:''' A cup of coffee. :''(Mom settles the Parrot back down on the counter)'' :'''Dexter's Mom:''' Beans! :'''Parrot:''' Beans! :''(Cookies fly out of the bowl suddenly)'' :'''Parrot:''' Cooooooooookies! :'''Dexter's Mom:''' Cooooooooookies! :'''Parrot:''' Worms and plastic minnows. :'''Dexter's Mom:''' Now wait just a minute here! ...... Where am I gonna get worms and plastic minnows? :'''Parrot:''' The Florida Everglades! :''(Mom is seen immediately backing the car out of the house's driveway and driving away'') <hr width="50%"> :''(Dexter has smashed the parrot to keep it from revealing his lab)'' :'''Dexter's Dad:''' Dexter! :'''Dexter's Mom:''' How many times have I told you not to throw the bird? :'''Dexter:''' But Mom, it's not a *real* bird. I built it in my secret laboratory. :''(Dexter, realizing he just blabbed what the parrot didn't, claps his mouth shut)'' :'''Dee Dee:''' Smooth move, Dexter. Now you'll have to erase Mom and Dad's memories...again! :'''Parrot:''' Smooth move, Dexter. Smooth move, Dexter. Smooth move, Dexter. === Dexter and Computress Get Mandark! === :'''Dexter''': You are stupid! You are stupid! And don't forget, you are stupid! === Dexter vs Santa's Claws === :'''Dad''': Dexter, what do you have to say for yourself? :'''Dexter''': Well, I'm sorry I ruined Christmas. Again. But, isn't Christmas really about the family, and the love and the sharing and... Oh, Christmas tree! Oh, Christmas tree! :'''Dee Dee''': You blockhead! That's not what Christmas is about! :'''Dexter''':It's not? Then what is it about? :'''Santa Claus''': The presents. Ho ho ho! === Dyno-Might === :'''Dynomutt''': Oooooh, what does this button do? <hr width="50%"> :'''Dad''': Nice uniform. You on some kind of sports team? :'''Blue Falcon''': I'm the Blue Falcon. :'''Dad''': Oh, yeah, the Falcons! You guys didn't do so well last season. :'''Blue Falcon''': I'm the Blue Falcon! :'''Dad''': Aww, don't be blue! <hr width="50%"> :'''Blue Falcon''': I don't understand! This isn't like my old Dynomutt at all! :'''Dexter''': Well... He's not, I built you an all-new one. :'''Blue Falcon''': What? Why? :'''Dexter''': Well, the old one was just a goofy idiot sidekick. :'''Blue Falcon''': He wasn't JUST a goofy idiot sidekick! He was a....go-go dog person! <hr width="50%"> :'''Blue Falcon''': Remember, Dexter: It's a goofy idiot sidekick that makes a superhero SUPER. === LABretto === :'''Dad''': ''[Singing]'' My goodness, my gracious, when will this day be done? Will I have a girl or will I have a son? <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': ''[singing sadly as the spotlight shines on him]'' This is not fantasy. This is reality. I'm stuck for my life! I'm stuck and I'll be stuck forever! With...my sister... ''[Yelling]'' DEE DEE! === Last But Not Beast === :'''Dad''': Secret laboratory? Now, Dexter, we need to straight a few things up with this secret laboratory business! ==Film== === [[w:Dexter's Laboratory: Ego Trip|Dexter's Laboratory: Ego Trip]] === :''[The Mandarks rally to stop the Dexters from getting the Neurotomic Proto-Core]'' :'''Young Mandark''': NOOO! I've always wanted the Core! :'''Adult Mandark''': NOOO! I stole the Core! :'''Overlord Mandark''': NOOO! The Core is mine! :'''Mandark's Brain''': NOOO! Just because I'm bitter and jealous! <hr width=50%> :'''Old Man Dexter''': ''[thundering voice from inside a tower]'' WHOO DARES TO DISTURB THE GREAT DEXTER WHILE HE DROPS SCIENCE UPON THE WORLD? :'''Dexter''': We are the Dexters of the past. We have come from the past to try to reach your all-knowing presence! :'''Old Man Dexter''': PRESENTS? I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY? I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN! <hr width=50%> :'''Old Man Dexter''': I remember! I REMEMBER! Dee Dee was the one who saved the future! :'''Dexter''': What? No way! :'''Adult Dexter''': That didn't just happen! :'''Muscular Dexter''': I wanted to be the one who saved the future! :'''Old Man Dexter''': Argh! That girl! :''[The Dexters start building robots.]'' :'''Dexter''': I'll teach her to mess up my future savings. :'''Adult Dexter''': Yeah, we'll show her! :'''Muscular Dexter''': Ooh, that little ding dong! :'''Old Man Dexter''': We'll get her once and for all! :''[The Dexters finish building robots.]'' :'''Dexter''': Robots! Destroy the one who saved the future! ''[The robots walk towards the time machine.]'' Well. Huh. That should take care of Dee Dee. It looks like the future is back on track. :'''Muscular Dexter''': I've got a lot of cleaning up to do but with a positive flow of the core everything should work out fine. :'''Dexter''': Well then, we should be getting back to our own times. Goodbye, Dexter. :'''Muscular Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter. :'''Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter. :'''Old Man Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter. :'''Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter. :'''Adult Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter. :'''Muscular Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter. :'''Old Man Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter. :'''Adult Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter. :'''Muscular Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter. :'''Adult Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter. :'''Old Man Dexter''': Goodbye, Billy. <hr width=50%> :'''Dexter''': Boy, that wasn't exactly what I expected, but I did turn out pretty cool in the future. ''[sees himself fighting the robots and is surprised]'' Wait a minute, I'm still here fighting those robots. ''[breaks the fourth wall]'' But wait, those are the robots I just built to get Dee Dee while we're building the future. But now I'm about to destroy them before I even decide to go into the future. So, that means when I came back, I came back too far. Back before I ever left. So I must have come... No I... Or they were... Oh, forget it. Time travel hurts my brain. ==Season 3== ===Streaky Clean=== :'''Dexter''': [singing] Making the science, la la, la, making the science- [He grabs a test tube and it accidentally flies upwards.] Oopsy. [It falls on the table, splattering on his shirt.] Oh, would you look at that? How could I concentrate to the full capacity of my genius covered in such a filth? [He walks away] Blech! (Dexter, now in his room, is undressing himself and replaces his messy lab coat, gloves and shoes with new, clean ones from his closet. After redressing, he jumps triumphantly.) :'''Dexter''': [He walks back to his work area.] Now, back to the business. [He begins mixing his substance again.] Yes, yes! [He mixes more vigorously] This will be my greatest experiment ever! [He proudly holds his arm up, not realizing his beaker is about to fall over, which it does, making the same mess. Dexter holds his lab coat by wear the spill is.] Oh, for the sake of Pete... (Dexter returns to his room to change again.) :'''Dexter''': [Again, he walks back to his work area.] Okay now, here we a-go! [He slowly rises up to his work area. He carefully grabs his beaker.] Carefully, ''carefully.'' [He holds up a test tube and begins to pour another substance into the beaker.] Yes, that is it. Perfect, ''perfect!'' [A drop splashes Dexter's lab coat.] Oh HECK this is turning out to be! (Dexter, once again, returns to his room to throw away another lab coat. He goes over to his closet to get another one. To his surprise, there are none left.) :'''Dexter''': Hmm...'''MOM...!!!!''' (A breeze blows through Dexter's bedroom window, causing him to shiver) :'''Dexter''': What is taking her so long? :'''Dexter''': (Dexter pokes his head out his door) Hey, mom! Shake a leg or something! [his mom arrives and opens the door but he doesn't notice] Mom! Mom! [he finally notices her and covers himself in embarrassment] HEY! [runs back in his room] :'''Mom''': (Chuckles) Oh, come on out, Shy Boy. Here's your little play clothes all fresh and clean. But I just can't understand how you manage to stain your little outfit so quickly. :'''Dexter''': Yeah, yeah, mom. It's a real enigma. [grabs his lab coat] Now, if you'll excuse me, I have much work to be doing. [takes his lab coat and gloves with him and closes the door] :'''Dad''': The boy's right, dear. [puts his hands on his wife's hips] There is much work to be doing. <hr width="50%"> (Dexter streaks through the meadow) :'''Dexter''': Oh boy, that was a close one. I just have to get to Ruthy's Field, and I will be home free! Home... (Dexter streaks past a hippie couple sitting on a rock who smile as they watch him pass by, thinking he's celebrating the freedom of his nakedness) :'''Dexter''': '''FREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!''' :'''Male Hippie''': Right on, brother! === Mind Over Chatter === :'''Dexter''': ''[in his mind]'' Yuck! Mom's oatmeal! Tastes like barf! :'''Mom''' ''[gasps]'' Dexter! Don't be rude! :'''Dexter''': ''[confused]'' Huh? :'''Dexter''': ''[in his mind while watching Dee Dee scarfing down her oatmeal]'' That sister of mine! What a ferocious pig! :'''Dee Dee''': Hey! I'm no pig! :'''Mom''' : That is enough Dexter! Time for school. :'''Dexter''': But wait Dad, what- :'''Dad''': The answer is no! Now get! :'''Dexter''': ''[in his mind]'' Dad, what a stubborn poopoo doody head! :'''Dad''': I heard that! :'''Mom''': And we are going to have a serious talk about your potty mouth when you get home from school today! === Momdark === :'''Mom''': Huh, what did he mean when he said, "your lab", Dexter? :'''Dexter''': I don't know. === A Mom Cartoon === :'''Mom''': Oh Dad will just love this! <hr width="50%"> :'''Shop Announcer''': Attention shoppers, we have a red light sale on aisle 8 on... latex gloves! <hr width="50%"> :'''Mom''': Would you look at that, the very last pair! Must be my lucky day! <hr width="50%"> :'''Shop Announcer''': Attention shoppers,... === A Third Dad Cartoon === :'''Dad''': Aw well, I guess we'll have to try again next week. ==Season 4== === Beau Tie === :'''Beau''': I've always loved science. === Dexter's Library === :'''Dexter''': Ah, the sweet and silent solitude of the school library. :'''Boy''': Oh yeah, we're so prepared for this. This is going to be a great game, we're going to kicky Booty. :'''Girl''': Our new cheers are so awesome. Wait until you see them, you're not gonna believe it! :'''Dexter''': Ahem! ''[puts the piece of paper that says "No talking in the Library!!!" in the book on the table]'' ''[takes the book from the boy]'' No book for you, ''[takes the other book from the girl]'' and no book for you! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': ''[stops the boy trying to eat an apple]'' No, uh-uh. You know the rules. No food or drink in the library. ''[takes the book from him]'' No book for you! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': ''[takes the book that is stepped on by a girl trying to reach the other book, she falls down]'' Mis-using school property, you know better than that. No book for you! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': Ah, here we are. 701.328. ''[gasps]'' Hello! What is this?! "Green Bacon and Eggs"! What is a children's book doing in coelacanth paleobiology? ''[gets enraged]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': Miss Salinger, Miss Salinger. :'''Salinger''': Yes, what is it, Dexter? :'''Dexter''': I have found an inappropriately placed piece of fiction. :'''Salinger''': Really? Well, be a dear and place it in its proper home. :'''Dexter''': ''[drops the book]'' Ahh. Library patrons speaking at unacceptable volumes, eating snacks, abusing school property, and now ''this''. Ahh, it is all very disappointing. ''[breaks the fourth wall]'' You know, I like Miss Salinger and all, but if this were my library, such behavior within these hallowed shelves would not be tolerated. :'''Salinger''': Oh, my, look at the time. Dexter, I have to be at a staff meeting. I need you to keep an eye on things for one hour. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': Finally, a school library dedicated to the pure appreciation of the English language. Dexter, you have done it again. Next! ''[a girl arrives with a book in her hand]'' Sarah Goldfarm. Another early return, I see. ''[Sarah gives the book to him]'' Ha ha ha! "Stranger Rick": August 2001. A solid subject matter, ''[drops the book]'' but a little sophomoric for second grade. Would you not agree? ''[Robot burns the book]'' Robot, please retrieve some less frivolous reading for Miss Goldfarm? Perhaps something from coealacanth paleobiology, a personal favorite subject of mine. :'''Robot''': ''[goes in search of a book in a library cabinet and returns to Dexter]'' Cannot confirm target. :'''Dexter''': "Cannot confirm target"? You illiterate Android! ''[slaps the robot]'' Must I spell everything out for you recycled soup cans? ''[writes the piece of paper and puts it on the Robot's head]'' Well! ''[The Robot goes in search of a book again]'' ''[whistles]'' Heh heh heh! :'''Robot''': ''[returns to Dexter]'' System error. Cannot confirm target. :'''Dexter''': ''[gets angry]'' Arrrr! ''[punches the Robot's head]'' WHY MUST I DO EVERYTHING MYSELF?! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': ''[grumbles as he climbs the stairs in the librarian cabinet]'' ...stupid-looking robots. There. "Coealacanth Paleonbiology". Now, how difficult was that? ''[opens his eyes and is surprised]'' "GREEN BACON AND EGGS"?!!! BUT I DO NOT LIKE "GREEN BACON AND EGGS"!!! There is not a walnut brained ape among you who is worthy to share my world-class collection of written history! <hr width="50%"> :'''Salinger''': Dexter, I am very disappointed in you. I leave you in charge of the library for one hour, and look what you do. Just look at this mess. :'''Dexter''': But-- but-- I... they... :'''Salinger''': I'm giving you the maximum library penalty. :'''Dexter''': ''[gasps]'' No! Not that! Please, Miss Salinger. No! :'''Salinger''': That's right. You can only check out 4 books a week, instead of 5. :'''Dexter''': ''[sobs]'' It's not very nice of you. NOOOOOOOOO! :'''Crowd''': Shhh! === 2Geniuses 2Gether 4Ever === :'''Dexter''': Ah, all done. :'''Mandark''': It's about time. Well, let's see what we've got. ''[takes off the blindfold]'' Ah! At last, my darkest creation is completed! :'''Dexter''': ''[gives the remote control to Mandark]'' After you. :'''Mandark''': May I? ''[grabs the remote control]'' With a push of this button, I, Mandark, will unleash a mind-bending transmission which will put the entire universe under my control. And that means you, too, Dorkster. I have double-crossed you once again. And now it will all be mine! ''[laughs]'' Ha! :''[Mandark tries pressing the button over and over, and Dexter plugs the power cord into an electrical outlet, and the invention explodes by displaying the title of the television series as a reference to the intro]'' :'''Dexter''': Ha! Well, well, well, Mandark, who double-crossed whom? :'''Mandark''': This was supposed to be mine, Dexter! All mine, not yours! Mine! :'''Dexter''': Well, like I always say: if you can't play with the big dogs, stay on the porch. Ha ha! ''[The "The End" logo in white appears on the screen]'' Hey! What is going on? I am trying to wax poetic here. === Folly Calls === :'''Dexter''': ''[sees Dee Dee's hair cut off and laughs insanely]'' OH, YOU'RE KILLING ME! ''[laughing and snorting]'' :'''Dee Dee''': So? :'''Dexter''': Now, Dee Dee. We have been through this scenario so many times before, and you know that I am helpless to assist you for one simple and very basic reason: you are STUPID! :'''Dee Dee''': Oh, please, Dexter. Please! Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please! Oh, please, Dexter! Use your vast and unlimited knowledge of science to help me get my hair back! ''Pretty please.'' :'''Dexter''': Well, no. :'''Dee Dee''': Alright, Dexter, but remember... ''[grows bigger]'' ''I am your big sister!'' ''[grows some more]'' ''AND I WILL CRUSH YOU LIKE A BUG...'' ''[grows again]'' '''''...IF YOU DON'T DO AS I SAY!''''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': Now, Dee Dee, pay attention. You are only to apply one drop of this stuff. Do you understand? One drop, not 2 drops, not 3 drops, not 75 drops. JUST ONE DROP! GOT IT?! :'''Dee Dee''': Yeah. Of course I got it, Dexter. Just one drop. ''[sings and leaves the lab]'' One drop, one drop, one drop, one drop... <hr width="50%"> :''[Dee Dee screams while running entering the lab]'' :'''Dexter''': Let me guess. You used more than one drop. :'''Dee Dee''': It was too one drop, Dexter! Just a really, really ''big'' one drop! :'''Dexter''': Hmm... === Comic Stripper === :'''Dexter''': You did it all wrong, Mandark. I figured out you were copying "Mister Misery" all along, so I played your own game against you. ''[Mandark pretends to be yawning]'' And then you have the nerve ''[throws the "Mister Misery" comic]'' not to even follow the dumb story! Oh, and one other thing... WHAT IS WITH ALL THIS STUPID QUACKING?! :'''Mandark''': Well, you see, Dexter. I went to buy "Mister Misery" but the store was all sold out. So I picked up a copy of "Dangerous Duck" instead. :'''Dexter''': And do you know why "Mister Misery" was all sold out? Because ''I'' bought them all. :'''Mandark''': Hmm. Well, then. If you bought them all, ''how did you expect me to know all "Mister Misery"'s new fight moves then?!'' ''[Dexter is upset and a donkey appears]'' QUACK. ''[teases Dexter and walks away]'' === Chicken Scratch === :'''Dexter''': (Screams in shock) What are the strange protrusions? I must investigate immediately. ''[ Dee Dee arrives while singing]'' Uh-oh. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': OK, Dee Dee, way too much has happened this morning so, please, GET OUT OF MY LABORATORY!!! ''[closes the door]'' I have no time for her foolishness today. :'''Dee Dee''': ''[opens the door]'' But, Dexter, I'm not in your labor... [She stops and looks at Dexter] YOU'VE GOT CHICKENPOX! :'''Dexter''': Chickenpox? What is this pox of the chicken? :'''Dee Dee''': Poor Dexter, so knowledgeable in science but doesn't have enough common sense to know what chickenpox is. Well, a long time ago, a group of evil, contaminated chickens escaped from jail, and started to break into children's houses where they picked away, giving huge, itchy pimples. And if you stratch them, you turn into an evil, contaminated chicken! :'''Dexter''': Are you crazy, woman? I've teach you les--! ''[scratches]'' :'''Dee Dee''': Bagock. :'''Dexter''': (Screams in fear) I do not want to be an evil, contaminated chicken. :'''Dee Dee ''': Then, DON'T SCRATCH! ''[leaves Dexter's room]'' :'''Dexter''': That seems simple enough. ''[scratches and stops]'' I'd better keep myself busy so as not to think about the itching. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': Perfect. ''[thinking while scratching]'' Now, how much dioxide detrolium should I add? Hmm... what is the correct amount? ''[stops thinking and scratching and laughs]'' Silly me! ''[scratches again]'' Avoiding scratching this whole time? ''[freaks out]'' ROBOT! More drastic measures must be taken. :'''Robot''': Yes, Dexter? :'''Dexter''': Robot, if you see me scratching a part of my body, I want you to zap me with 100 watts of electrons. :'''Robot''': Yes, Dexter. ''[zaps Dexter]'' :'''Dexter''': I wasn't ready, Robot. :'''Robot''': Yes, Dexter. ''[zaps Dexter again]'' :'''Dexter''': I said I wasn't ready. :'''Robot''': Yes, Dexter. :'''Dexter''': No, Robot, wait! ''[Robot zaps him again]'' This is not working. ''[Robot zaps him again]'' STOP, ROBOT! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': A new invention must be created. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': ''[after creating his invention]'' Success! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': ''[destroys the straps after failing to hold back the itching]'' GOTTA SCRATCH!!! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dee Dee''': Hello! [She stops and looks at Dexter] [Dee Dee screamed and ducks under her bed] [She peeks out] Dexter, is that you? :'''Dexter''': ''[turns to Dexter who is now turned into a chicken]'' Yep, I scratched. == Lost Episode == === Rude Removal === :'''Dee Dee''': Oooh! Dexter's got gas! <hr width="50%"> :'''Rude Dexter''': Where the f'ck are we? :'''Rude Dee Dee''': Beats the cr'p out of me! :'''Dexter''': (With a British accent) Why, you're in Dexter's Laboratory, silly. I'm Dexter, and this golden-haired angel behind me is my charming sister, Dee Dee. :'''Dee Dee''': (With a British accent) Charmed! :'''Rude Dexter''': Ah, f'ck off! :'''Dexter and Dee Dee''': ''[gasp]'' Oh dear! <hr width="50%"> :'''Mom''': I hope you're hungry, 'cause I made a ''[trips over Rude Dexter]'' very... SPECIAL LUNCH THAT I GOT FROM A RECIPE THAT I... FOUND IN A BESSIE CRACKER MAGAZINE! ''[pants]'' I hope you like it. :'''Mom''': ''[dizzy]'' Well, what do you think, Dexter? :'''Rude Dexter''': ''[mouth full]'' I think it tastes like sh't! ''[spits at Mom]'' :'''Mom''': ''[faints]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Mom''': ''[angry]'' Dexter! No, absolutely not! You cannot have any dessert! :'''Rude Dexter''': Why? You want it all to yourself? :'''Mom''': ''[gasps, then faints]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Mom''': Now to clean those filthy mouths. :'''Dexter''': ''[to the audience]'' Oh, sh't! ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0115157|title=Dexter's Laboratory}} [[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated science fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:Elementary school TV shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:TV shows revived after cancellation]] [[Category:Cartoon Network original series]] [[Category:Cartoon Network Studios]] [[Category:Teletoon Retro shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about families]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]] [[Category:Television series by Hanna-Barbera]] 0pnr4yflyiv7oa7n8agk48bjqdmew2a 3158019 3157868 2022-08-26T00:14:57Z 158.115.189.178 Undo revision 3157868 by [[Special:Contributions/200.100.25.109|200.100.25.109]] ([[User talk:200.100.25.109|talk]]) wikitext text/x-wiki Episodes == Season 1 == === Dimwit Dexter === *'''Factory Worker #1''': Sir, he can't make much long! *'''Factory Worker #2''': Just a little longer. *'''Factory Worker #3''': His sim asses are firing in arming incredibly rage. *'''Factory Worker #4''': Puncher rising! *'''Factory Worker #5''': She can't take it! *'''Factory Worker #6''': She's gonna blow! *''[Angrily, Dexter's face turns red, and Dexter begins to let out a loud yell with rage]'' *'''Factory Worker #7''': RUN!!! (The factory workers flee and run away) *''[Cut to the outside of Dexter's Lab, Dexter explodes his clothes off and causes fires in his lab]'' *''[The same explosion, the brain factory explodes]'' *''[After the explosion, Dexter was seen naked and filled with rage]'' *'''Factory Worker #8''': Shut it down. *''[The factory workers shut down the emotion factory]'' *''[After the emotion factory shuts down, Dexter is seen naked and emotionless]'' *'''Factory Worker #9''': He said all the systems have shut down. *'''Neighbor Boy''': Hey, everyone! Dexter's running around in his underpants! (echoing) Underpants! Underpants! Underpants! *''[As Dexter fills himself to maximum capacity with a water nose,he sprays water everywhere]'' === Dee Deemensional === :'''Dee Dee''': Oh Dexter! Dexter! Dexter! Come quick! You have to help! It's terrible! You sent me and you're all gross and- :'''Dexter''': ''[Annoyed]'' This better be important, woman. You are interrupting my very delicate calculations. :'''Dee Dee''': I have a message for you from the future. :'''Dexter''': ''[Taps his index finger on the table]'' From the future, huh? :'''Dee Dee''': Yes. You sent me back in time to- :'''Dexter''': Stop! If there was a message so important that it would require time travel, I would certainly not entrust it to my ''idiot'' sister. I would send myself. In other words...''[Shouting]'' I would not send you back in time even if..! If..if...''[Shouting]'' I was being eaten alive! :'''Dee Dee''': ''[Sobbing]'' Oh Dexter! Why are you being so terrible?! :'''Dexter''': Please...I have no time for your tears. Why don't you go back outside and talk to trees or whatever it is you do? :'''Dee Dee''': Fine! I will! And I'm not ever giving you the message! ''[Runs out of the lab, crying]'' :'''Dexter''': ''[Shrugs it off and continues work]'' Fine with me. === Dial M for Monkey: Magmanamus === === Maternal Combat === :[''Dad happily returns home to find two smoking robots and the shifty looking kids''] :'''Dad''': Hello honey! Hello Dexter! Hello Dee Dee! Hello honey! (''heads upstairs'') Hello honey! === Dexter Dodgeball === :'''Dexter''': ''[Hands his excuse note to the "Coach" and happly walks away]'' If you need me, I'll be in the Science Lab. :'''Substitute Coach''': What is this crap? :'''Dexter''': ''[Turns around in shock]'' Who are you? :'''Substitute Coach''': I'm your Substitute Coach. :'''Dexter''': But, But, But... :'''Substitute Coach''': '''QUIET!''' :'''Dexter''':...But My Excuse! :'''Substitute Coach''': ''[Rips the excuse letter in half]'' What Excuse?! Now! Suit up! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dee Dee''': You're out! === Dial M for Monkey: Rasslor === :'''Rasslor''': Welcome heroes of Earth!! You have been chosen to receive the most glorious of gifts! The opportunity to face me, the great Rasslor, in a contest of strength and skill! For Aeons, I have scoured the cosmos searching for the one adversary who could provide me with suitable sport! Although, I have yet to find such a noble soul. Each creature, each race, more pitiful than the last. So I spare them the disgrace of their weakness by destroying their worlds! And now my quest has brought me to this timid little planet you call Earth. So, terrestrial heroes, can one of you quench my thirst for the divine conflict, the supreme struggle?! Or will your planet be doomed to the same fate that has befallen so many? :''[The heroes stare at him, confused]'' :'''Heroes''': ...What? :'''Rasslor''': Fight me or I destroy the Earth! Now let the games begin! <hr width=50%/> :'''Rasslor''': Incredible. I could crush your body, I could smash your bones, but I could never break your spirit. You are a marvel little monkey. Any world that could spawn one as noble as you is truly blessed. I SPARE YOUR EARTH!!! === Dexter's Assistant === :'''Dexter''': Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': ''[sweetly]'' Assistant? :'''Dee Dee''': Yes? :'''Dexter''': Would you please assist me by...SHUTTING UP!? === Dexter's Rival === :'''Mandark''': Yes, Dexter, I ''can'' read your thoughts, and I ''am'' smarter than you. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mandark''': Welcome to my laboratory! (Echoing) Laboratory! Laboratory! === Jurassic Pooch === :'''Dexter''': ''[to the audience]'' Anybody want to buy a dinosaur? ''[episode ends]'' === Dee Dee's Room === :'''Dexter''': Why am I breathing so hard? === Star Spangled Sidekicks === :'''Dee Dee''': ''[laughs at Dexter's speech for wanting to be Major Glory's sidekick]'' :'''Dexter''': And what is so humorous about that? ''[Dee Dee continues laughing]'' Dee Dee stop this laughing this instant! :'''Dee Dee''': Okay, okay Dexter, don't get your underwear into a wrinkle. Look...You're my brother and all so I'll be honest with ya...''[amused]'' You've gotta be kidding me! ''[seriously]'' You don't got what takes. Just look at ya...''[measures Dexter]'' You're two foot nothing. ''[camera zooms on Dexter's glasses]'' You can barely see ''[puts her arm around Dexter's shoulder]'' and besides everything...You're a dork! ''[smiles]'' :'''Dexter''': ''[yells in frustration]'' :'''Dexter''': And I suppose you have what it takes to be a superhero's sidekick? :'''Dee Dee''': ''[shrugs]'' Of course. I have style, pizzazz, and I can punch and kick some. You know. ''[Dexter opens his mouth to talk]'' Yes? :'''Dexter''': ''[drops it]'' Forget it. ''[walks upstairs]'' There's nothing to be said. I will be Major Glory's sidekick and you will not. :'''Dee Dee''': ''[shouts upstairs]'' That's what you think Dexter! :'''Dexter''': No, Dee Dee! That's what I know. === Game Over === :'''Dexter''': 'Master Computer?' Wow dad, thanks, a video game... An OLD video game... :'''Dad''': Well, I know how much you like gadgets and stuff, Dexter, but what you've got there is more than just a video game: It's a bargain! Got it for a nickel from a gypsy! === Babysitter Blues === :'''Dee Dee''': Hello! :'''Dexter''': Dee Dee, get off the phone! :'''Dee Dee''': Okay, but I'm still trying to find whatever it was I was looking for. :'''Dexter''': Great, okay, bye. :'''Dee Dee''': Bye! :'''Dexter''': Bye. :'''Dee Dee''': Bye! :'''Dexter''': BYE! :'''Dexter''': (''sounds like Lisa's boyfriend on her end of the phone'') Oh, I guess we just got cut off. But I wanted to call you back and tell you that you have got cooties and I am love with....with...my football. Bye. === Dream Machine === :'''Dexter''': Well, if you are the grandfather of all knowledge, that means it's...'''I'M IN A NIGHTMARE!!!! === The Big Cheese === :'''Dexter''': Omelette du fromage. === Way of the Dee Dee === :'''Dexter''': (enraged at Dee Dee) '''WHY DO YOU DO THIS?! YOU ARE SO STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! '''Oh, and let's not forget...'''''YOU'RE SO STUPID!''''' :'''Dee Dee''': Ow! (Rubs her face) Oh yeah!? Well just because I know how to have fun doesn't mean I'm stupid! I may not know all that scientifical makna logical stuff, but I know how to climb a tree, and I know how to pet a kitty just right. And I know how to tie my own shoes Mr zipper boot!... Actually, I feel sorry for you, Dexter. You're like a pickle - sour, and all bottled up in your laboratory. Toiling away alone in the dark, searching for answers to questions nobody asked. Locked away from the world, never to experience the ''true'' mysteries of life. Well, you can keep your cold, sterile little lab, because for me, the world is my laboratory! Goodbye, Dexter. I shan't impose on you ever again. :''[She leaves the lab; after a moment of silent contemplation, Dexter rushes out after her]'' :'''Dexter''': DEE DEE! ''[sadly]'' Everything you said was true! I don't want to be a pickle! But I need your help. Show me the way to be free, show me the way of the Dee Dee! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dee Dee''': Discard those ravlings which tie you to the lab. ''[Dexter looks down at his clothes]'' There must be a stripping of the old, before you start anew. ''[The next shot shows Dexter in just his underwear and gloves, in a nervous "Ta-Da!" pose]'' AND the gloves. ''[He reluctantly pulls them off]'' Now step into the light. :'''Dexter''': But, I don't have any sunscreen. :'''Dee Dee''': Do not fear, little one. The first step is always the hardest. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dee Dee''': ''[slaps Dexter]'' Stop it, Dexter! Look at yourself! You're a MONSTER! No longer a quiet creator but a mad destroyer! ''[sobs]'' I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have pushed you! I know now it wasn't my place to try to change you! Oh Dexter, please forgive me. [Dexter reaches his hand out to Dee Dee. She then leaves the lab]'' OH, WHAT HAVE I DONE?! ''[still sobbing]'' === Say Uncle Sam === :'''Major Glory''': Now we are going to over this again and again and again untill we get it right! Comprende? :''[Valhallen and Crunk glare at Major Glory angrily]'' :'''Major Glory''': ''[Nervously]'' Perhaps I've pushed you too hard <hr width=50%/> :'''Major Glory''': Uncle Sam! What happened to you?! :'''Uncle Sam''': Doctor's orders, nephew. Told me I was too high strung. Told me to loosen up. And I feel great. === Monstory === :'''Dexter''': This isn't one of your stupid knock-knock jokes, is it? <hr width="50%"> :'''Dee Dee''': ''[as a spider-like monster]'' Dexter! I see you! :'''Dexter''': ''[drinks a vat of chemical waste nearby and confronts Dee Dee as a Godzilla-like monster]'' This ends now! :'''Dee Dee''': But I'm not finished! <hr width="50%"> :''[Dee Dee defeats Dexter after they fight as giant monsters]'' :'''Dee Dee''': NOW you'll listen! So the boy told the girl in the park on the pony... "Knock-knock!" :'''Dexter''': NOOOOOO!!!! == Season 2 == === Beard to Be Feared === :'''Dee Dee''': That is one rugged brother... :'''Mee-Mee and Lee-Lee''': Shut your mouth! :'''Dee Dee''': I'm only talkin' 'bout Dexter. :'''Mee-Mee and Lee-Lee''': We can dig it. === Ant Pants === :'''Dexter''': Ants are... :'''Dee Dee''': Icky! :'''Dexter''': To be respected. :'''Dee Dee''': Icky! :'''Dexter''': To be respected. :'''Dee Dee''': Icky! :'''Dexter''': To be respected. === Chubby Cheese === :'''Evil Commander''': We will meet again, little man. :'''Pedro The Mouse''': Yes! === That Crazy Robot === <hr width="50%"> :'''Mom''': (To Dee Dee) Dee Dee, you've got to go to school. :'''Dee Dee''': (To the robot) School schmool. I want to stay home and play with you! :'''Robot''': I'll come to school with you. :'''Dee Dee''': Silly robot! School is for kids. :'''Robot''': Please? I'll polish your pencils, carry your books, eat your sandwich, yum. (bites sandwich) === D & DD === :'''Dee Dee:''' You can be this guy! :'''Dexter''': What?! :'''Valerian''': Well, it seems Hodo the furry-footed burrower has joined in our quest! :'''Dexter''': I don't wanna be no furry-footed burrower. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter/Hodo''': I unsheath my deadly...mandolin?! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dee Dee/Bachelorette''': Okay, say we're stranded alone on an island. Do you have any skills that would come in handy, bachelor number 4? :'''Dexter/Hodo''': I'd dig holes. === Hamhocks and Armlocks === :'''Dexter''': ''[Shouting at the truck passing by]'' Hey! Who do you think you are?! King of the Road?! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': What are Hamhocks? :'''Dee Dee''': They're gross! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dad''': Earl! You can humilate me. You can destroy my property. But don't you ever close a door on a lady, especially my Wife! You and me wrestle. Be there...or be square! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dad''': Earl! You ready, Earl? Let's do this! === The Koos is Loose === :'''Koosalagoopagoop''': You know, if you turn your lips inside out, you can look like Jimmy Carter. === Book 'Em === :'''Dexter''': More learning material...? ''[gasps and looks at the library stamp]'' No stamp?! This book has been illegally checked out! <hr width="50%"> :'''Mrs L''': Oh, Dexter, how could you? Your actions have brought shame upon this library! For this you shall be punished! YOU'RE BANNED FROM THE LIBRARY '''FOREVER!''' ''[stamps Dexter's head that is written banned as he falls he saw Mrs L's face, three biting books, Dee Dee's creepy face with creepy teeth Dexter's Dad's face and the fire that resembles hell]'' :'''Dexter''': AAAAAAAAAAHH!!! :'''Dee Dee''': Good-bye, Dexter. :'''Dexter's Dad''': You are welcome. :'''Dexter''': AAAAAAAAAAHH! ''[falls into the hole from the book written inferno Dante's with the pitchfork sign on it as he landed on a book chair]'' :'''Devil''': ''[slaps Dexter while he is laughing at Dexter]'' Welcome to library heck. ''[then he starts the evil laugh]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': The book must be returned. Just do it! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dee Dee''': Hey! Librari-ann! We quit! You win! :'''Dexter''': Traitor! :'''Mrs L''': What? Why, Dee Dee, thank you for apprehending your loudmouth brother. I see good things in your future. ''[to Dexter, unhappily]'' And as for you, Mr. Dexter... :'''Dexter''': ''[grumbles to himself and shakes]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': ''[reading a story for Dee Dee and several other kids]'' And so, after Prince asked Mr. Grumpster to leave nicely, everyone in Snuggleville gave each other a warm, fuzzy hug. The end. ...Blech. === Shoo, Shoe Gnomes === * ''[After learning that Dee Dee was gonna pass out cookies to the gnomes]'' * '''Dexter''': Stupid me. === Lab of the Lost === :'''Dexter''': Look, there's R2-D2! === Labels === * ''[Later that night, Dexter guzzles down apple juice and cannot stop drinking it despite his bloated belly]'' * ''[Dexter, who has somehow gotten the "Dee Dee" label off, and Dee Dee are being made to clean off every single label as punishment for the mess they made]'' * '''Dexter''': I sure hope you're happy, Dee Dee, considering this is all your fault. * '''Dee Dee''': No way! '''''YOU''''' started it, Dorkster! '''''YOU''''' put labels on all my dolls! * '''Dexter''': Well, you were the one that labeled all the food! * '''Dexter's Mom''': Honey, why is the carpet all wet here? === Filet of Soul === :'''Dad''': What can we say about our beloved Fishy? :'''Dee Dee''': Not much, we only had him for one day. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': Good night Einstein. Good night Major Glory! Good night, ghost of dead Fishy. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': Dee Dee! Did you see the disgusting spook-fish that almost killed me? :'''Dee Dee''': No. I just like to run around and scream real loud! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': Dee Dee! ''[Dee Dee is flushed down into the toilet bowl]'' No! Dee Dee, come back! Dee Dee, I'm ordering you to come out of this toilet! :'''Dee Dee''': ''[her apparition appears in the shower]'' ''Dexter, help me! I am trapped in the Sewer Beyond!'' :'''Dexter''': No, you're not! I just saw you go down the toilet! :'''Dee Dee''': ''Listen to me! There's lots of bad fishies and stuff here and they won't let me go! They won't rest until Fishy is on the other side! You've got to flush Fishy, Dexter!'' :'''Dexter''': ''[tries to reach Fishy's corpse]'' Can't reach! It's no use! My arms, they are too short! :'''Dee Dee''': ''Come on, genius boy! Figure it out!'' :'''Dexter''': ''[grabs a toilet plunger and pulls Dee Dee out. The apparition of Dee Dee disappears from the shower and Dee Dee is freed]'' Dee Dee, flush the fish, NOW! :''[Dee Dee tosses Fishy's corpse into the toilet bowl and flushes it down]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Dee Dee''': Whew! I'm sure glad that's over. Huh? :''[A tentacle extends out of the toilet bowl, grabs Dee Dee and pulls her back into the toilet]'' :'''Dexter''': LOOK OUT! EGAD! :'''Dee Dee''': Help me! Dexter, it's pulling me back, and they're angry, Dexter, REAL ANGRY! :'''Dexter''': ''[grabs the handle trying to pull Dee Dee free]'' Why?! We flushed the stupid fish! :'''Dee Dee''': Its soul, Dexter! It's still in the trap! ''[the Apparition Containment Unit shakes up with a WARNING signal active in Dexter's room]'' DO SOMETHING! ''[Dexter reaches for the fishing rod and grabs it just as the toilet begins flushing her down]'' HEEEEEEEELP!!! :''[Dexter casts his fishing rod. The line extends from the bathroom to Dexter's room, at which point the hook presses the containment unit's "open" button. This frees Fishy's soul and he follows the fishing line's path into the bathroom. Just as Dexter pulls Dee Dee out of the toilet, Fishy happily goes down into it and travels into the Sewer Beyond, departing into the afterlife. Dad then walks in to see the two of them sitting of the floor.]'' :'''Dad''': How many times have I told you? Early morning is daddy's special bathroom privacy time. ''[Upon the flash of lightning, he gains golden glowing eyes with slit pupils and sharp teeth and laughs maniacally]'' === Golden Diskette === :'''Dexter and Prof. Hawk's fans''': You crazy girl! Look what you've done! :'''Professor Hawk''': Not to worry boys. ''[to Dee Dee]'' Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU. Thank you. :'''Dexter and Prof. Hawk's fans''': Hey! Hey! Hey! What's happening here, Professor? :'''Professor Hawk''': Oh, now, boys, hold on. It's very simple. You see, for the past several years I focused on brain power leading my body to wither. But this young princess reminded me how important my body was, with her innocence and naivety. :'''Dexter and Prof. Hawk's fans''': Princess?! But what about the mysterious grand prize? :'''Professor Hawk''': Mmm-hmm. You're right. I've got it! Let's have dance contest. Whoever wins, wins the factory! === Snowdown === :'''Dexter''': I know she is my sister, a girl and the neighbourhood champ, but could you please tell Dee Dee to stop PUMMELLING ME WITH SNOWBALLS?! :'''Dad''': Did you say...snowballs? :'''Dexter''': Uh....Yeah.... :'''Dad''': They...called me Champ. Back when I had...the gift. (''flashes back to his childhood'') I was a natural from day one. As I grew, so did my skills. In high school, I was untouchable! :'''High school kid''': Hey, grow up man! :'''Dad (VO)''': They were all just jealous! Jealous of my powers! For I was a king, a force of nature, I was the ultimate snowball warrior! Then I went to college. I was never the same again! (''remembers being struck by one snowball'') :'''Dad''': That....was the coldest winter...ever... But that's where you come in! You can help me reclaim my title! :'''Dexter''': Why not just let Dee Dee do it? :'''Dad''': No! Her powers are evil. Only as father and son can we truly carry on the legacy. Let the training begin! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dad''': Dexter, five words: Scoop, roll, throw, hit, duck! === Mock 5 === :'''Dad''': The first thing any racer needs is a car! All the best racers drive cars it's how they go but cars don't grow on trees! Except this one 'cos it's made of wood. Behold, the Mock 5! <hr width="50%"> :'''Mandark''': It's Racer D! The most beautiful racer in the world! Racer D.... ''[crashes his kart]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Dad''': I can't look, did he crash? No! No, he did just the opposite, he won! Winning is the part I enjoy most about racing especially when the winner is my son! Congratulations Dexter, you've made me very proud. :'''Dexter''': Thanks, Dad. :'''Dad''': If only your.... ''[sniffling]'' older sister Dee Dee were here to see this... :'''Dee Dee''': I'm right here, Dad! :'''Dad''': Oh, Dee Dee..! Dee Dee, where have you been all these years?! :'''Dee Dee''': Right behind you. :'''Dad''': Oh, you know I never look back there, ha-ha! :'''Dexter''': Huh?! No, Monkey! That's not candy! That's boiling lava! === Ewww That's Growth === :'''Dee Dee''': Hey Dexter, looks like we're next. Dexter?! :'''Dexter''': Oh boy! Oh boy! We're next! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': I'm on top of the WORLD!!! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': This is the greatest day of my entire life! ''[his head gets hit by the top edge of the roller coaster's tunnel]'' === A Hard Day's Day === :'''Dee Dee''': Mom! Dexter's mooning me! === Road Rash === :'''Dee Dee''': Can't catch me! === The Justice Friends: Things That Go Bonk in the Night === :'''Major Glory''': You want a piece of me, junior?! :'''Puppet Pal Mitch''': Oh-hoo! You're bonking up the wrong tree, buddy! === Dexter is Dirty === :'''Mom''': Dex, it's time for your bath! :'''Dexter''': But I'll miss my show! :'''Mom''': Don't argue with me, young man, just do it! === Ice Cream Scream === :'''Ice Cream Man''': You are wanting to know why? You mean you do not remember? :'''Dexter''': Remember what? :'''Ice Cream Man''': April 19, one year ago: It is first day on job. Everything is going great, until you come. You want the most expensive ice cream. I make suggestion of cheaper ice cream, but no, you want expensive one. And after I'm giving you ice cream, you pay with PENNIES. Do you know how long it took me to count those pennies? :'''Dexter''': Emm... at an average human rate, I'd estimate about 5 hours and 33 minutes? :'''Ice Cream Man''': Precisely. And when the counting was done, it is time to put pennies in safe. Then I'm noticing my shoelaces untied. Now, I couldn't very well stop to tie my shoes since somebody had given me a heavy jar of pennies to hold, and the ice cream man rules say to keep any amount of money OVER a dollar in the safe. So, I trip, and I break my tooth. The pain, it is so bad. My girlfriend left me, I lose apartment, I lose car, I'm forced to live on the freeway with wild animals, I CAN'T EVEN EAT ICE CREAM BECAUSE OF THE PAIN! '''ALL BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPID PENNIES!!''' (''screams angrily, then breathes hardly'') :'''Dexter''': (''chuckles'') You know, I still have all of my baby teeth. Ern... I'm sorry. I'm really, really, really, REALLY sorry. :'''Ice Cream Man''': Forget about it, kid. :'''Dexter''': Well, in that bad case, can I order my ice cream now? :'''Ice Cream Man''': Sure. :'''Dexter''': I'll just have a Choco-Pop, please. (''The Ice Cream Man gives him a Choco-Pop ice cream'') At last, ice cream to eat! :'''Ice Cream Man''': Dollar fifty, please. :'''Dexter''': (''gives a hundred dollar bill to Ice Cream Man'') You got change for a hundred? :(''Ice Cream Man screams angrily again'') === Ultrajerk 2000 === :'''Ultrabot 2000''': Greetings, Dexter. Welcome to my laboratory. :'''Dexter''': Emm, excuse me. But, did you say ''your'' laboratory? :'''Ultrabot 2000''': Yes, Dexter. My laboratory. While you slumbered, I began an analysis of your primitive laboratory finding it to be highly inefficient. I discovered that by salvaging useful components and destroying obsolete ones, I was able to create this tower capable of performing functions thousands of times greater than its predecessor, rendering a former laboratory and its creator ''obsolete''. And all obsolete materials must be destroyed. :'''Dexter''': ''[chuckles]'' Well, then. It sounds like you had a busy night. I'll just unplug it for a little while and you can get some rest. ''[Ultrabot 4000 Observation Unit attacks him]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': I have created a monster. I got to destroy him. :'''Ultrabot 2000''': I heard that. ''[Ultrabot 4000 Observation Unit attacks him again]'' :'''Dexter''': His laboratory, eh? We'll just see about that. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dee Dee''': ''[arrives]'' Hi, Dexter! :'''Ultrabot 2000''': Attention, new organism. You are intruding in my laboratory. Prepare to be destroyed. :'''Dee Dee''': Hey, Dexter, what are you doing way up there? :'''Ultrabot 2000''': I am not Dexter. Dexter is obsolete. I am Ultrabot 2000. :'''Dee Dee''': Gee, Dexter. You look like Dexter. :'''Ultrabot 2000''': Not Dexter. Ultrabot 2000. Dexter is obsolete. :'''Dee Dee''': You sound like Dexter too, Dexter. :'''Ultrabot 2000''': Dexter is obsolete and must be destroyed. I am Omnibot, the most efficient life form in the universe. :'''Dee Dee''': Boy, you sure act like Dexter. And if you look like Dexter, sound like Dexter and act like Dexter, then you MUST be Dexter! :'''Ultrabot 2000''': ''[Ultrabot 4000 Observation Units aim at it]'' I am not Dexter. Dexter must be destroyed. :'''Dee Dee''': Whatever you say, Dexter. OK, see you later, Dexter. ''[leaves]'' :'''Ultrabot 2000''': No. Wait. Don't listen to her. ''[Ultrabot 4000 Observation Units attack it and the control tower explodes]'' ''[Dexter approaches Omnibot's slightly active eye and kicks it, shutting it down]'' === Dee Dee Be Deep === * Dee Dee: [Singing] What's with all the noise, Dexter?! === The Muffin King === *'''Dad''': Like? Like?! Kids, I loved her muffins more than life itself. Those muffins are the reason I married your mother. <hr width=50%/> *'''Dad''': [Dressed as Mom] Muffin Time!! <hr width=50%/> *'''Dad''':[Hidden in the dark] Dexter. Son, could you come in here for a moment? I need to talk to you. *'''Dexter''': And just what is it you want? *'''Dad''':[steps out of the shadows, with a presence like Darth Vader] Dexter. I... am your father! *'''Dexter'''[shocked]That is not possible![but returns back to reality]Oh wait, no, you're right. *'''Dad''': So join me! Come to the Muffin Side. Do not resist. It is your destiny. *'''Dexter''': Never! === Dexter Detention === :'''Dexter''': We are free!!! :'''Prison Warden''': Looks like you broke into the state prison. === Don't Be a Baby === :'''Dexter''': Computer, what the heck is going on?! :'''Computer''': Goo goo ga ga goo goo pee-pee! :'''Dexter''': Hmm, yes, pee-pee... <hr width="50%"> :'''Dee Dee''': Dad stop being a stinker! :''[She picks Dad up and then sniffs the air smelling something stinky] :'''Dee Dee''': Ew, speaking of stinky...time to change your diaper! :''[She sets Dad down on the floor and proceeds to change his diaper, afterwards holding up the dirty diaper which has a large brown spot on the seat] :'''Dee Dee''': That's better...now a little powder. :''[She sprinkles a whole lot of baby powder which fills the air causing Dad to cough] :'''Dee Dee''': All done! === Topped Off === :'''Dexter's Dad''': Hmm... What the? ''[cuts to mugs leaking coffee, coffee pot, and milk]'' The kitchen's a mess. Something wrong here. ''[eyes go open]'' ''[searches through cabinets]'' Coffee, coffee, where's the coffee? Hello, coffee? '''WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE COFFEE?!?!?!''' :'''Dee Dee''': Uh... :'''Dexter and Dee Dee''': We drank it all. ''[Dad looks shocked, then eerily calm]'' :'''Dexter's Dad''': You... drank the coffee? ''[laughs]'' ''You'' two drank the coffee? :'''Dexter and Dee Dee''': ''[nervous giggling]'' :'''Dexter's Dad''': ''[laughing]'' ''[goes upset]'' Where did I go wrong? I thought I was a good father. I thought I brought you kids up right. You see, kids, coffee is what we adults need to get started in the morning. It's the key to our ignition. You kids don't need it. No. You've got youth. We adults need the coffee. But now, all we have is... ''[holds up empty coffee pot]'' THIS!!! ''[tries to get a drop from the coffee pot but nothing comes out]'' Empty! A mere shell of its former self! I've seen some pretty horrible things in my life. But this... this is just... ''[lowers his voice to a hiss]'' ''SICK!'' ''[sobbing]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[Dexter and Dee standing in front of Dexter's parents in their morning clothes drinking coffee]'' :'''Dexter's Dad''': Everything is going to be OKAY! We had coffee after all! ''[with a bit frightened look]'' But what if we didn't? === No Power Trip === :'''Dad''': Hon, when's the last time we washed the car? === The Laughing === :'''Clown''': Joke time! Joke time! Joke time! Alright, kids. Why is 6 afraid of 7? (beat) 'Cause 7 8 9! :''[the kids, minus Dexter, burst into laughter]'' :'''Dexter''': I don't get it. === Dexter's Lab: A Story === :[''The dog is roaming around under the table sniffing around the family''] :'''Dad''': So, Dexter, where's your new buddy? Oh! Well, hello down there! :'''Dog''': Hey! It's the man from before! :'''Mom''': Oh! :'''Dog''': This one's a lady! :'''Mom''': He certainly is friendly. :'''Dee Dee''': Oh!!!!!!! Yeah, a little ''too'' friendly. :'''Dog''': IT'S THE STICK! === Better Off Wet === :'''Dee Dee''': Hmm... Now where was I going? (a bit of the roof lands on her head) POOL! (She takes off like a jack rabbit, wearing her swimsuit, and sandals, arrives at the pool outside, flips off her slippers and puts on her swimming cap) Hurry up, Dexter! (rides the slide and lands into the pool before she squirts out water) :'''Dexter''': I am not ready yet. (He takes his hat, dressing gown, and takes off his sandals, showing his purple swimming trunks) :'''Dexter's Mom''': Dexter, ready to get wet?! :'''Dexter''': Almost!! (he rubs sunscreen onto his arms) :'''Dexter's Dad''': (he appears behind Dexter's Mom) Hi, Dexter! (the camera pans in on a shocked Dexter) :'''Dexter''': NO!!! (He takes off) :'''Dexter's Dad''': Dexter? (He looks around) :'''Dexter''': (blinks on the roof, thinking he is safe) Phew... :'''Dexter's Mom''': (She jumps into the pool) Come on in, Dexter, the water's great! :'''Dexter''': Okay, Mom. :''' Mee Mee and Lee Lee''': Hey, Dee Dee! We're here! :'''Dee Dee''': Hi, girls, come on in! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dexter's Dad''': Boy, they sure are talented. :'''Dexter''': You said it. (realizes Dad was right next to him) :'''Dexter's Dad''': Boo! :'''Dexter''': (he screams in terror, Dad tries to push push him into the water, but he only bounces off of Dee Dee, Mee Mee, and Lee Lee's heads. He pants only for a short while) Phew! :'''Dexter's Dad''': Darn, I just can't get that kid! (He notices Dexter's Mom walking up to the pool) Oh, well! (Dad pushes Mom into the pool) <hr width=50%/> :'''Dexter's Dad''': Good job, son, you finally made it in the pool. :'''Dexter''': Thanks, Dad, I don't know I was so shy of the water. (Dexter's Parents and sister laugh because Dexter is naked because he has lost his trunks!) === Let's Save the World You Jerk! === :''[Earth is destroyed by meteors]'' :'''Dexter''': That was all your fault, you gnome! :'''Mandark''': No way! You're taking the heat for this one, Dexter! === Rushmore Rumble === :'''Dexter''': [screaming] :'''Dee Dee''': HI DEXTER! Penny for your throughts? :'''Dexter''': I'm thinking Lincoln! <hr width="50%"> :'''Timmy's Mom''': Timmy, why don't you go and play outside? :'''Timmy''': Is it safe? :'''Timmy's Mom''': Well if course it is. :'''Timmy''': Okay. ''[runs outside the house]'' La La La La La La La La La La La. ''[plays with toy cars, sees the giant statues of Washington and Lincoln walking by, then screams, runs back to the house and slams the door]'' === The Old Switcharooms === :'''Mom''': You Kids are in big trouble. <hr width="50%"> :''[Dee Dee and Dad enter Dee Dee's room and see that Dexter has destroyed it and is naked]'' :'''Dad''': Argh! :'''Dee Dee''': ''[gasps]'' Dexter, you're naked! ''[knocks the trophy out Dad's hands, destroying it]'' :'''Dexter''': Now look what you did Dee Dee. You clumsy fool! :'''Dad''': Argh! :''[Cut to Dexter who is now in the doghouse, having switched "rooms" with the family dog]'' :'''Dexter''': Uh? Well, at least I don't have to worry about the dog destroying my lab. :''[Cut to the dog barking and howling and destroying Dexter's lab]'' === Trick or Treehouse === :'''Dee Dee''': Well, well. Look who's smaller than a breadbox. :'''Dexter''': ''[inside the breadbox]'' Dee Dee! Let me out of here! :'''Dee Dee''': Ha! I didn't know you could stick your beak into my business, and to get even, I get to go play around in your lab. :'''Dexter''': Please! Dee Dee! No! No! Let me out! :'''Dee Dee''': See you 'round, shortbread! :'''Dexter''': Dee Dee! No! No! Please! Let me out! No! No! Please! No! No! No! No! :'''Dee Dee''': ''[giggles in Dexter's laboratory]'' :'''Dexter''': Please! No! No! === Accent You Hate === :'''Gary''': You know, kid. You’ve got a funny accents. And if you haven’t read I hate kids with funny accents. <hr width="50%"> :'''Gary''': Get away from me! SHUT UP! '''''I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!''''' :''[The statue punches Gary. The kids gasp. Gary's face grows red and big]'' :'''Gary''': My face! It hurts! :'''Pirate Kid''': Arr! Now look who has the funny accent! === DiM === :'''Dee Dee''': You know they're all gonna burn out eventually. :'''Dexter''': I know... === Repairanoid === :'''Mom''': When an electrical problem arises, I call a specialist! ''[Dad appears with a helmet and tool belt]'' No, honey. Not you. === sdrawkcaB (Backwards) === :'''Dexter''': ''[wears a Reverse Belt and walks backwards]'' !skrow tI !skrow tI .elbidercni si siht ,woW .snoitca nwo ym esrever yllautca oT ''[to Robot]'' .drawrof ,hguone si taht ,toboR ,yakO .drawroF ''[starts to get angry]'' --rof ,ydaerla thgirlA ''[gasps in reverse]'' .em ylliS ''[laughs in reverse]'' .mehA ''[to normal]'' ''Forward''. :'''Robot''': Forward. ''[sets the lever from Reverse to Forward to Red to Green]'' :'''Dexter''': ''[walks normally]'' Wow, my Reverse Belt is a success! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': Reverse! ''[[falling up with activating switch]'' ''Forward!'' ''[falling down]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': ''[gasps]'' Dee Dee?! ''[switch activates]'' !?eeD eeD ''[gasps in reverse]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': You! What do you think you're doing? Do you have any idea what trouble you have been causing? First, I lose my lunch, and then Mom is gonna kill me, and Dad is probably in the hospital, and another thing-- === The Continuum of Cartoon Fools === :'''Dexter''': Ah... Now I can get some work done in peace. :[''The screen pans over to reveal Dee Dee working on an invention'']: :'''Dee Dee''': Hey Dexter, can you please pass the atomizer? :'''Dexter''': Oh certainly. (He than screams in shock that Dee Dee has gotten in his lab again, and Dee Dee unwillingly screams with him. They both stop and breath very hard.) :'''Dexter''': (Dexter began to get angry.) All right, how the heck did you get in here?! (He pushes her to a tube) Did you get in through the 2-Dimensional Facial Filter? (He presses a button and then Dee Dee started to inflate with her body over filling the tube she was in. She then turns completely flat and then is rushed down a very narrow passage way.) Yes! (Dexter then pulls out a lazer gun called the discom bobulatur and zaps the 2-Dimensional Facial Filter destroying it. Dee Dee now completely flat suddenly walks up to Dexter.) :'''Dee Dee''': No. :'''Dexter''': Did you get in through the secret Molecular Disconfiguration Access Port? (He tosses the flat Dee Dee inside, presses a button, and Dee Dee was absorbed into molecules and is shot out of the lab. Dexter then grabs out a lazer gun called the meltron and zaps the Molecular Disconfiguration Access Port melting it. Dee Dee in normal shape again appears next to Dexter.) :'''Dee Dee''': No. :'''Dexter''': A ha! You came in through the secret Sky Port. (They come into a room with a pigeon in it. The pigeon coos at them.) :'''Dee Dee''': You're kidding? :'''Dexter''': Cassius, emergency exit! (Cassius then grabs on to Dee Dee's pigtails and flies her out of the lab.) :'''Cassius''': It's a living. :'''Dexter''': (Boards up the sky port.) Phew <hr width="50%"> :[''Dexter swallows the key to the secret bookcase entrance''] :'''Dexter''': THERE! NOW NO ONE'S GETTING IN! ''[maniacal laugh]'' :'''Dee Dee''': Hmmm... Yep. ''No one's'' getting into Dexter's Lab now. ''[leaves]'' :''[Dexter's smile of insanity turns into a look of horror]'' :'''Dexter''': ......Uhhh, oh my dear... In my overwhelming zeal to banish my sister from the lab, I have indeed locked myself out! Too blinded was I not to foresee the most piteous of fates. I have thus performed the ultimate tragic irony! ''[now standing in front of the 'The End' title card]'' Surely, I am the fool of fools on a par with no other. I am no better than [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wile_E._Coyote that stupid coyote] or [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daffy_Duck that crazy duck]! Look at me, ''look at me!'' I am locked in a continuum of cartoon fools! I am doomed to a life of comic mishap adventures and social indignations! And now, here I stand before you, beaten, defeated and alone... === Misplaced in Space === :'''Alien''': Gork. :'''Dexter''': (''translating on his watch'') 'Food?' Yeah, 'food'. You ate mine, yours, and everybody else's! :'''Alien''': Gork. :'''Dexter''': You can't still be hungry :'''Alien''': Gork... :'''Dexter''': Wh...Why are you looking at me like that? :'''Alien''': GORK! === Dee Dee's Rival === :'''Dee Dee''': Dexter! Dexter! ''[Dexter smashed his control with a hammer]'' Oh Dexter. I'm so glad you're here! I need your help! There's a new girl in dance class and she thinks she's better than me. And I want to be a star of the show and thought... :'''Lala Vala''': ...use your science junk to help me beat that skinny creep. :'''Dee Dee''': I have to win, Dexter. Or else... :'''Lala Vala''': ...I'll be forced to break your nerdy... :'''Dee Dee''': ...face any of the kids in class again! Please! Oh please! Oh... :'''Mandark''': ...Oh Please don't hurt me! Please don't hurt me! I'll do it. :'''Dexter''': But you better keep up your end of the bargain and I'll handle the rest. :'''Dee Dee''': Oh thank you, Dexter. ''[kisses Dexter's nose and laughs]'' :'''Lala Vala''' ''[flings Mandark's nose and laughs]'' === Pslightly Psycho === :'''Dexter, Dee Dee and Dad''': Happy Mother's Day! :'''Mom''': New Gloves! === Blackfoot and Slim === :'''Narrator''': The Concrete Jungle. Deep within its seemingly endless towers, glass, steel and mortar, life exists. <hr width="50%"> :'''Narrator''': For someday, we shall return to check up on this wonderful creature. This wonderful world of Blackfoot. === Trapped With a Vengeance === :'''Yani:''' ''[narrating]'' My job is simple. After the designated hours of education, the children exit to return home, while I clean, sweep and prepare their environment for the next day of education in sterile surroundings. For I am Yani the janitor. It is an uncomplicated job that leaves me much time after to spend with my beloved wife, but one children continues to complicate situation and torture. Night after night, he stays much time past designated hours, and when he decides to go he leaves a residue of filth that prolongs me for my beloved for several more hours. And when I return home, my love is taking a slumber and waking her would be catastrophical. So I wait and I plan, until the day that he will be to exit quickly for something important, for then I will have him... TRAPPED WITH A VENGEANCE! <hr width="50%"> :'''Yani:''' Yello, Dexter. :'''Dexter:''' What're ya, crazy or somethin'?! === The Parrot Trap === :'''Dexter's Parrot:''' (in Dee Dee's voice) Dexter's a cookie! :'''Dexter:''' (angrily) I am not a cookie! :'''Dexter's Parrot:''' Dexter's a cookie! :'''Dexter:''' Am not! :'''Dexter's Parrot:''' Are too, cookie! (''Dexter violently shakes the stick the parrot is on, and it switches into Dexter's voice'') I'm gonna bop you one, girl! (''Dexter slams the parrot onto his desk, and it segues back into Dee Dee's voice) COOKIE! (Dexter repeatedly slams the parrot onto the table, until it is later seen beaten nearly into submission, and is flying away) :'''Dexter:''' Good riddance! That has to be my worst invention yet! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter's Dad:''' Who's trying to sneak up on me? :'''Parrot:''' Dexter, boy genius. Dexter the cookie! :'''Dexter's Dad:''' Shhhh I'm trying to watch my show! :'''Parrot:''' I'm gonna bop you! :'''Dexter's Dad:''' That is no way to talk to you- :'''Parrot:''' You are a stupid girl! Get out get out get out! Yup yup yup! Don't touch anything! :''(Dexter's Dad crawls away in fear)'' :'''Dexter's Dad:''' I-I-I-I-I'm sorry :'''Dexter's Parrot:''' (in Dee Dee's voice) You're a cookie! (in Dexter's voice) Get out get out get out! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter's Mom:''' Alright, let's see. I'll need two eggs... :''(Dexter's Mom cracks open two eggs and places them into the cooking bowl beside her)'' :'''Dexter's Mom:''' One stick of butter... :''(Takes a stick of butter placed near her and places it into the cooking bowl)'' :'''Dexter's Mom:''' A half a cup of sugar... :''(Dexter's Mom walks over to the left side of the kitchen counter where several containers lay as well as Dexter's Parrot. Mom takes some sugar and places it into the cooking bowl)'' :''(Dexter's Mom walks over to a spice rack inside the kitchen where various spices are seen as well as Dexter's Parrot from out of nowhere)'' :'''Dexter's Mom:''' A pinch of cinnamon. :'''Parrot:''' A cup of cinnamon. :'''Dexter's Mom:''' A cup of cinnamon. :'''Parrot:''' A quart of pepper. :'''Dexter's Mom:''' A quart of pepper. :'''Parrot:''' A box of olives. :'''Dexter's Mom:''' A box of peppers. :'''Parrot:''' Yup, yup, yup! :''(Dexter's Mom opens the refrigerator door inside the kitchen where the Parrot is seen inside once again)'' :'''Dexter's Mom:''' A block of cheese. :'''Parrot:''' A block of cheese. :'''Dexter's Mom:''' A gallon of milk. :'''Parrot:''' A gallon of milk. :''(Dexter's Mom takes the Parrot out of the refridgerator)'' :'''Parrot:''' Are you sneaking up on me?!? :''(Mom back at the kitchen counter using the Parrot as a coffee boiler and pouring it into the bowl)'' :'''Dexter's Mom:''' A cup of coffee. :'''Parrot:''' A cup of coffee. :''(Mom settles the Parrot back down on the counter)'' :'''Dexter's Mom:''' Beans! :'''Parrot:''' Beans! :''(Cookies fly out of the bowl suddenly)'' :'''Parrot:''' Cooooooooookies! :'''Dexter's Mom:''' Cooooooooookies! :'''Parrot:''' Worms and plastic minnows. :'''Dexter's Mom:''' Now wait just a minute here! ...... Where am I gonna get worms and plastic minnows? :'''Parrot:''' The Florida Everglades! :''(Mom is seen immediately backing the car out of the house's driveway and driving away'') <hr width="50%"> :''(Dexter has smashed the parrot to keep it from revealing his lab)'' :'''Dexter's Dad:''' Dexter! :'''Dexter's Mom:''' How many times have I told you not to throw the bird? :'''Dexter:''' But Mom, it's not a *real* bird. I built it in my secret laboratory. :''(Dexter, realizing he just blabbed what the parrot didn't, claps his mouth shut)'' :'''Dee Dee:''' Smooth move, Dexter. Now you'll have to erase Mom and Dad's memories...again! :'''Parrot:''' Smooth move, Dexter. Smooth move, Dexter. Smooth move, Dexter. === Dexter and Computress Get Mandark! === :'''Dexter''': You are stupid! You are stupid! And don't forget, you are stupid! === Dexter vs Santa's Claws === :'''Dad''': Dexter, what do you have to say for yourself? :'''Dexter''': Well, I'm sorry I ruined Christmas. Again. But, isn't Christmas really about the family, and the love and the sharing and... Oh, Christmas tree! Oh, Christmas tree! :'''Dee Dee''': You blockhead! That's not what Christmas is about! :'''Dexter''':It's not? Then what is it about? :'''Santa Claus''': The presents. Ho ho ho! === Dyno-Might === :'''Dynomutt''': Oooooh, what does this button do? <hr width="50%"> :'''Dad''': Nice uniform. You on some kind of sports team? :'''Blue Falcon''': I'm the Blue Falcon. :'''Dad''': Oh, yeah, the Falcons! You guys didn't do so well last season. :'''Blue Falcon''': I'm the Blue Falcon! :'''Dad''': Aww, don't be blue! <hr width="50%"> :'''Blue Falcon''': I don't understand! This isn't like my old Dynomutt at all! :'''Dexter''': Well... He's not, I built you an all-new one. :'''Blue Falcon''': What? Why? :'''Dexter''': Well, the old one was just a goofy idiot sidekick. :'''Blue Falcon''': He wasn't JUST a goofy idiot sidekick! He was a....go-go dog person! <hr width="50%"> :'''Blue Falcon''': Remember, Dexter: It's a goofy idiot sidekick that makes a superhero SUPER. === LABretto === :'''Dad''': ''[Singing]'' My goodness, my gracious, when will this day be done? Will I have a girl or will I have a son? <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': ''[singing sadly as the spotlight shines on him]'' This is not fantasy. This is reality. I'm stuck for my life! I'm stuck and I'll be stuck forever! With...my sister... ''[Yelling]'' DEE DEE! === Last But Not Beast === :'''Dad''': Secret laboratory? Now, Dexter, we need to straight a few things up with this secret laboratory business! ==Film== === [[w:Dexter's Laboratory: Ego Trip|Dexter's Laboratory: Ego Trip]] === :''[The Mandarks rally to stop the Dexters from getting the Neurotomic Proto-Core]'' :'''Young Mandark''': NOOO! I've always wanted the Core! :'''Adult Mandark''': NOOO! I stole the Core! :'''Overlord Mandark''': NOOO! The Core is mine! :'''Mandark's Brain''': NOOO! Just because I'm bitter and jealous! <hr width=50%> :'''Old Man Dexter''': ''[thundering voice from inside a tower]'' WHOO DARES TO DISTURB THE GREAT DEXTER WHILE HE DROPS SCIENCE UPON THE WORLD? :'''Dexter''': We are the Dexters of the past. We have come from the past to try to reach your all-knowing presence! :'''Old Man Dexter''': PRESENTS? I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY? I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN! <hr width=50%> :'''Old Man Dexter''': I remember! I REMEMBER! Dee Dee was the one who saved the future! :'''Dexter''': What? No way! :'''Adult Dexter''': That didn't just happen! :'''Muscular Dexter''': I wanted to be the one who saved the future! :'''Old Man Dexter''': Argh! That girl! :''[The Dexters start building robots.]'' :'''Dexter''': I'll teach her to mess up my future savings. :'''Adult Dexter''': Yeah, we'll show her! :'''Muscular Dexter''': Ooh, that little ding dong! :'''Old Man Dexter''': We'll get her once and for all! :''[The Dexters finish building robots.]'' :'''Dexter''': Robots! Destroy the one who saved the future! ''[The robots walk towards the time machine.]'' Well. Huh. That should take care of Dee Dee. It looks like the future is back on track. :'''Muscular Dexter''': I've got a lot of cleaning up to do but with a positive flow of the core everything should work out fine. :'''Dexter''': Well then, we should be getting back to our own times. Goodbye, Dexter. :'''Muscular Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter. :'''Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter. :'''Old Man Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter. :'''Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter. :'''Adult Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter. :'''Muscular Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter. :'''Old Man Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter. :'''Adult Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter. :'''Muscular Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter. :'''Adult Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter. :'''Old Man Dexter''': Goodbye, Billy. <hr width=50%> :'''Dexter''': Boy, that wasn't exactly what I expected, but I did turn out pretty cool in the future. ''[sees himself fighting the robots and is surprised]'' Wait a minute, I'm still here fighting those robots. ''[breaks the fourth wall]'' But wait, those are the robots I just built to get Dee Dee while we're building the future. But now I'm about to destroy them before I even decide to go into the future. So, that means when I came back, I came back too far. Back before I ever left. So I must have come... No I... Or they were... Oh, forget it. Time travel hurts my brain. ==Season 3== ===Streaky Clean=== :'''Dexter''': [singing] Making the science, la la, la, making the science- [He grabs a test tube and it accidentally flies upwards.] Oopsy. [It falls on the table, splattering on his shirt.] Oh, would you look at that? How could I concentrate to the full capacity of my genius covered in such a filth? [He walks away] Blech! (Dexter, now in his room, is undressing himself and replaces his messy lab coat, gloves and shoes with new, clean ones from his closet. After redressing, he jumps triumphantly.) :'''Dexter''': [He walks back to his work area.] Now, back to the business. [He begins mixing his substance again.] Yes, yes! [He mixes more vigorously] This will be my greatest experiment ever! [He proudly holds his arm up, not realizing his beaker is about to fall over, which it does, making the same mess. Dexter holds his lab coat by wear the spill is.] Oh, for the sake of Pete... (Dexter returns to his room to change again.) :'''Dexter''': [Again, he walks back to his work area.] Okay now, here we a-go! [He slowly rises up to his work area. He carefully grabs his beaker.] Carefully, ''carefully.'' [He holds up a test tube and begins to pour another substance into the beaker.] Yes, that is it. Perfect, ''perfect!'' [A drop splashes Dexter's lab coat.] Oh HECK this is turning out to be! (Dexter, once again, returns to his room to throw away another lab coat. He goes over to his closet to get another one. To his surprise, there are none left.) :'''Dexter''': Hmm...'''MOM...!!!!''' (A breeze blows through Dexter's bedroom window, causing him to shiver) :'''Dexter''': What is taking her so long? :'''Dexter''': (Dexter pokes his head out his door) Hey, mom! Shake a leg or something! [his mom arrives and opens the door but he doesn't notice] Mom! Mom! [he finally notices her and covers himself in embarrassment] HEY! [runs back in his room] :'''Mom''': (Chuckles) Oh, come on out, Shy Boy. Here's your little play clothes all fresh and clean. But I just can't understand how you manage to stain your little outfit so quickly. :'''Dexter''': Yeah, yeah, mom. It's a real enigma. [grabs his lab coat] Now, if you'll excuse me, I have much work to be doing. [takes his lab coat and gloves with him and closes the door] :'''Dad''': The boy's right, dear. [puts his hands on his wife's hips] There is much work to be doing. <hr width="50%"> (Dexter streaks through the meadow) :'''Dexter''': Oh boy, that was a close one. I just have to get to Ruthy's Field, and I will be home free! Home... (Dexter streaks past a hippie couple sitting on a rock who smile as they watch him pass by, thinking he's celebrating the freedom of his nakedness) :'''Dexter''': '''FREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!''' :'''Male Hippie''': Right on, brother! === Mind Over Chatter === :'''Dexter''': ''[in his mind]'' Yuck! Mom's oatmeal! Tastes like barf! :'''Mom''' ''[gasps]'' Dexter! Don't be rude! :'''Dexter''': ''[confused]'' Huh? :'''Dexter''': ''[in his mind while watching Dee Dee scarfing down her oatmeal]'' That sister of mine! What a ferocious pig! :'''Dee Dee''': Hey! I'm no pig! :'''Mom''' : That is enough Dexter! Time for school. :'''Dexter''': But wait Dad, what- :'''Dad''': The answer is no! Now get! :'''Dexter''': ''[in his mind]'' Dad, what a stubborn poopoo doody head! :'''Dad''': I heard that! :'''Mom''': And we are going to have a serious talk about your potty mouth when you get home from school today! === Momdark === :'''Mom''': Huh, what did he mean when he said, "your lab", Dexter? :'''Dexter''': I don't know. === A Mom Cartoon === :'''Mom''': Oh Dad will just love this! <hr width="50%"> :'''Shop Announcer''': Attention shoppers, we have a red light sale on aisle 8 on... latex gloves! <hr width="50%"> :'''Mom''': Would you look at that, the very last pair! Must be my lucky day! <hr width="50%"> :'''Shop Announcer''': Attention shoppers,... === A Third Dad Cartoon === :'''Dad''': Aw well, I guess we'll have to try again next week. ==Season 4== === Beau Tie === :'''Beau''': I've always loved science. === Dexter's Library === :'''Dexter''': Ah, the sweet and silent solitude of the school library. :'''Boy''': Oh yeah, we're so prepared for this. This is going to be a great game, we're going to kicky Booty. :'''Girl''': Our new cheers are so awesome. Wait until you see them, you're not gonna believe it! :'''Dexter''': Ahem! ''[puts the piece of paper that says "No talking in the Library!!!" in the book on the table]'' ''[takes the book from the boy]'' No book for you, ''[takes the other book from the girl]'' and no book for you! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': ''[stops the boy trying to eat an apple]'' No, uh-uh. You know the rules. No food or drink in the library. ''[takes the book from him]'' No book for you! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': ''[takes the book that is stepped on by a girl trying to reach the other book, she falls down]'' Mis-using school property, you know better than that. No book for you! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': Ah, here we are. 701.328. ''[gasps]'' Hello! What is this?! "Green Bacon and Eggs"! What is a children's book doing in coelacanth paleobiology? ''[gets enraged]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': Miss Salinger, Miss Salinger. :'''Salinger''': Yes, what is it, Dexter? :'''Dexter''': I have found an inappropriately placed piece of fiction. :'''Salinger''': Really? Well, be a dear and place it in its proper home. :'''Dexter''': ''[drops the book]'' Ahh. Library patrons speaking at unacceptable volumes, eating snacks, abusing school property, and now ''this''. Ahh, it is all very disappointing. ''[breaks the fourth wall]'' You know, I like Miss Salinger and all, but if this were my library, such behavior within these hallowed shelves would not be tolerated. :'''Salinger''': Oh, my, look at the time. Dexter, I have to be at a staff meeting. I need you to keep an eye on things for one hour. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': Finally, a school library dedicated to the pure appreciation of the English language. Dexter, you have done it again. Next! ''[a girl arrives with a book in her hand]'' Sarah Goldfarm. Another early return, I see. ''[Sarah gives the book to him]'' Ha ha ha! "Stranger Rick": August 2001. A solid subject matter, ''[drops the book]'' but a little sophomoric for second grade. Would you not agree? ''[Robot burns the book]'' Robot, please retrieve some less frivolous reading for Miss Goldfarm? Perhaps something from coealacanth paleobiology, a personal favorite subject of mine. :'''Robot''': ''[goes in search of a book in a library cabinet and returns to Dexter]'' Cannot confirm target. :'''Dexter''': "Cannot confirm target"? You illiterate Android! ''[slaps the robot]'' Must I spell everything out for you recycled soup cans? ''[writes the piece of paper and puts it on the Robot's head]'' Well! ''[The Robot goes in search of a book again]'' ''[whistles]'' Heh heh heh! :'''Robot''': ''[returns to Dexter]'' System error. Cannot confirm target. :'''Dexter''': ''[gets angry]'' Arrrr! ''[punches the Robot's head]'' WHY MUST I DO EVERYTHING MYSELF?! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': ''[grumbles as he climbs the stairs in the librarian cabinet]'' ...stupid-looking robots. There. "Coealacanth Paleonbiology". Now, how difficult was that? ''[opens his eyes and is surprised]'' "GREEN BACON AND EGGS"?!!! BUT I DO NOT LIKE "GREEN BACON AND EGGS"!!! There is not a walnut brained ape among you who is worthy to share my world-class collection of written history! <hr width="50%"> :'''Salinger''': Dexter, I am very disappointed in you. I leave you in charge of the library for one hour, and look what you do. Just look at this mess. :'''Dexter''': But-- but-- I... they... :'''Salinger''': I'm giving you the maximum library penalty. :'''Dexter''': ''[gasps]'' No! Not that! Please, Miss Salinger. No! :'''Salinger''': That's right. You can only check out 4 books a week, instead of 5. :'''Dexter''': ''[sobs]'' It's not very nice of you. NOOOOOOOOO! :'''Crowd''': Shhh! === 2Geniuses 2Gether 4Ever === :'''Dexter''': Ah, all done. :'''Mandark''': It's about time. Well, let's see what we've got. ''[takes off the blindfold]'' Ah! At last, my darkest creation is completed! :'''Dexter''': ''[gives the remote control to Mandark]'' After you. :'''Mandark''': May I? ''[grabs the remote control]'' With a push of this button, I, Mandark, will unleash a mind-bending transmission which will put the entire universe under my control. And that means you, too, Dorkster. I have double-crossed you once again. And now it will all be mine! ''[laughs]'' Ha! :''[Mandark tries pressing the button over and over, and Dexter plugs the power cord into an electrical outlet, and the invention explodes by displaying the title of the television series as a reference to the intro]'' :'''Dexter''': Ha! Well, well, well, Mandark, who double-crossed whom? :'''Mandark''': This was supposed to be mine, Dexter! All mine, not yours! Mine! :'''Dexter''': Well, like I always say: if you can't play with the big dogs, stay on the porch. Ha ha! ''[The "The End" logo in white appears on the screen]'' Hey! What is going on? I am trying to wax poetic here. === Folly Calls === :'''Dexter''': ''[sees Dee Dee's hair cut off and laughs insanely]'' OH, YOU'RE KILLING ME! ''[laughing and snorting]'' :'''Dee Dee''': So? :'''Dexter''': Now, Dee Dee. We have been through this scenario so many times before, and you know that I am helpless to assist you for one simple and very basic reason: you are STUPID! :'''Dee Dee''': Oh, please, Dexter. Please! Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please! Oh, please, Dexter! Use your vast and unlimited knowledge of science to help me get my hair back! ''Pretty please.'' :'''Dexter''': Well, no. :'''Dee Dee''': Alright, Dexter, but remember... ''[grows bigger]'' ''I am your big sister!'' ''[grows some more]'' ''AND I WILL CRUSH YOU LIKE A BUG...'' ''[grows again]'' '''''...IF YOU DON'T DO AS I SAY!''''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': Now, Dee Dee, pay attention. You are only to apply one drop of this stuff. Do you understand? One drop, not 2 drops, not 3 drops, not 75 drops. JUST ONE DROP! GOT IT?! :'''Dee Dee''': Yeah. Of course I got it, Dexter. Just one drop. ''[sings and leaves the lab]'' One drop, one drop, one drop, one drop... <hr width="50%"> :''[Dee Dee screams while running entering the lab]'' :'''Dexter''': Let me guess. You used more than one drop. :'''Dee Dee''': It was too one drop, Dexter! Just a really, really ''big'' one drop! :'''Dexter''': Hmm... === Comic Stripper === :'''Dexter''': You did it all wrong, Mandark. I figured out you were copying "Mister Misery" all along, so I played your own game against you. ''[Mandark pretends to be yawning]'' And then you have the nerve ''[throws the "Mister Misery" comic]'' not to even follow the dumb story! Oh, and one other thing... WHAT IS WITH ALL THIS STUPID QUACKING?! :'''Mandark''': Well, you see, Dexter. I went to buy "Mister Misery" but the store was all sold out. So I picked up a copy of "Dangerous Duck" instead. :'''Dexter''': And do you know why "Mister Misery" was all sold out? Because ''I'' bought them all. :'''Mandark''': Hmm. Well, then. If you bought them all, ''how did you expect me to know all "Mister Misery"'s new fight moves then?!'' ''[Dexter is upset and a donkey appears]'' QUACK. ''[teases Dexter and walks away]'' === Chicken Scratch === :'''Dexter''': (Screams in shock) What are the strange protrusions? I must investigate immediately. ''[ Dee Dee arrives while singing]'' Uh-oh. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': OK, Dee Dee, way too much has happened this morning so, please, GET OUT OF MY LABORATORY!!! ''[closes the door]'' I have no time for her foolishness today. :'''Dee Dee''': ''[opens the door]'' But, Dexter, I'm not in your labor... [She stops and looks at Dexter] YOU'VE GOT CHICKENPOX! :'''Dexter''': Chickenpox? What is this pox of the chicken? :'''Dee Dee''': Poor Dexter, so knowledgeable in science but doesn't have enough common sense to know what chickenpox is. Well, a long time ago, a group of evil, contaminated chickens escaped from jail, and started to break into children's houses where they picked away, giving huge, itchy pimples. And if you stratch them, you turn into an evil, contaminated chicken! :'''Dexter''': Are you crazy, woman? I've teach you les--! ''[scratches]'' :'''Dee Dee''': Bagock. :'''Dexter''': (Screams in fear) I do not want to be an evil, contaminated chicken. :'''Dee Dee ''': Then, DON'T SCRATCH! ''[leaves Dexter's room]'' :'''Dexter''': That seems simple enough. ''[scratches and stops]'' I'd better keep myself busy so as not to think about the itching. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': Perfect. ''[thinking while scratching]'' Now, how much dioxide detrolium should I add? Hmm... what is the correct amount? ''[stops thinking and scratching and laughs]'' Silly me! ''[scratches again]'' Avoiding scratching this whole time? ''[freaks out]'' ROBOT! More drastic measures must be taken. :'''Robot''': Yes, Dexter? :'''Dexter''': Robot, if you see me scratching a part of my body, I want you to zap me with 100 watts of electrons. :'''Robot''': Yes, Dexter. ''[zaps Dexter]'' :'''Dexter''': I wasn't ready, Robot. :'''Robot''': Yes, Dexter. ''[zaps Dexter again]'' :'''Dexter''': I said I wasn't ready. :'''Robot''': Yes, Dexter. :'''Dexter''': No, Robot, wait! ''[Robot zaps him again]'' This is not working. ''[Robot zaps him again]'' STOP, ROBOT! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': A new invention must be created. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': ''[after creating his invention]'' Success! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dexter''': ''[destroys the straps after failing to hold back the itching]'' GOTTA SCRATCH!!! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dee Dee''': Hello! [She stops and looks at Dexter] [Dee Dee screamed and ducks under her bed] [She peeks out] Dexter, is that you? :'''Dexter''': ''[turns to Dexter who is now turned into a chicken]'' Yep, I scratched. == Lost Episode == === Rude Removal === :'''Dee Dee''': Oooh! Dexter's got gas! <hr width="50%"> :'''Rude Dexter''': Where the f'ck are we? :'''Rude Dee Dee''': Beats the cr'p out of me! :'''Dexter''': (With a British accent) Why, you're in Dexter's Laboratory, silly. I'm Dexter, and this golden-haired angel behind me is my charming sister, Dee Dee. :'''Dee Dee''': (With a British accent) Charmed! :'''Rude Dexter''': Ah, f'ck off! :'''Dexter and Dee Dee''': ''[gasp]'' Oh dear! <hr width="50%"> :'''Mom''': I hope you're hungry, 'cause I made a ''[trips over Rude Dexter]'' very... SPECIAL LUNCH THAT I GOT FROM A RECIPE THAT I... FOUND IN A BESSIE CRACKER MAGAZINE! ''[pants]'' I hope you like it. :'''Mom''': ''[dizzy]'' Well, what do you think, Dexter? :'''Rude Dexter''': ''[mouth full]'' I think it tastes like sh't! ''[spits at Mom]'' :'''Mom''': ''[faints]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Mom''': ''[angry]'' Dexter! No, absolutely not! You cannot have any dessert! :'''Rude Dexter''': Why? You want it all to yourself? :'''Mom''': ''[gasps, then faints]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Mom''': Now to clean those filthy mouths. :'''Dexter''': ''[to the audience]'' Oh, sh't! ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0115157|title=Dexter's Laboratory}} [[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated science fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:Elementary school TV shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:TV shows revived after cancellation]] [[Category:Cartoon Network original series]] [[Category:Cartoon Network Studios]] [[Category:Teletoon Retro shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about families]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]] [[Category:Television series by Hanna-Barbera]] axl553pfysab085ko2bi00e8fplp47a 0 107833 3158089 3077237 2022-08-26T05:49:01Z 2403:5806:8037:1:9CA6:410B:9233:8992 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Inglourious Basterds|Inglourious Basterds]]''''' is a [[w:2009 in film|2009 film]] about a team of Jewish-American commandos operating in [[w:Nazi|Nazi]]-occupied France during [[World War II]]. : ''Written and directed by [[W:Quentin Tarantino|Quentin Tarantino]].'' {{center|'''Once upon a time in Nazi occupied France…'''<small>[[#Taglines|taglines]]</small>}} == Lt. Aldo Raine == [[File:Jackson (2).jpg|thumb|right|Well, you don't gotta be Stonewall Jackson to know you don't wanna fight in a basement.]] * Well, you don't gotta be Stonewall Jackson to know you don't wanna fight in a basement. * ''[after carving a swastika into Landa's forehead]'' You know, I think this may just be my masterpiece. == Col. Hans Landa == * Tell me, Aldo- if I were sitting where you're sitting, would you show me mercy? * ''Au revoir'', Shoshanna! * But like any enterprise under new management there is always a slight duplication of efforts, most of them a complete waste of time but needs to be done nevertheless. == Shosanna Dreyfus == * I have a message for Germany. That you are all going to die. And I want you to look deep into the face of the Jew who's going to do it! Marcel, burn it down! My name is Shosanna Dreyfus, and this is the face, of Jewish vengeance! == Dialogue == :'''Col. Hans Landa''': Now, according to these papers, all the Jewish families in this area have been accounted for, except the Dreyfuses. Somewhere in the last year it would appear they've vanished, which leads me to the conclusion that they've either made good their escape, or someone is very successfully hiding them. What have you heard about the Dreyfuses, Monsieur LaPadite? :'''Perrier LaPadite''': Only rumors. :'''Landa''': I love rumors! Facts can be so misleading, but rumors, true or false, are often revealing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Col. Hans Landa''': The feature that makes me such an effective hunter of the Jews is, as opposed to most German soldiers, I can ''think'' like a Jew, where they can only think like a German — more precisely: German soldier. Now, if one were to determine what attribute the German people share with a beast, it would be the cunning and the predatory instinct of a hawk. But if one were to determine what attributes the Jews share with a beast, it would be that of the rat. The Führer and Goebbels's propaganda have said pretty much the same thing, but where our conclusions differ is: ''I'' don't consider the comparison an insult. Consider, for a moment, the world a rat lives in. It's a hostile world, indeed. If a rat were to scamper through your front door right now, would you greet it with hostility? :'''Perrier LaPadite''': I suppose I would. :'''Landa''': Has a rat ever done anything to you to create this animosity you feel towards them? :'''LaPadite''': Rats spread diseases. They bite people. :'''Landa''': Rats were the cause of the bubonic plague, but that's some time ago. I propose to you, any disease a rat could spread, a squirrel could equally carry. Would you agree? :'''LaPadite''': ''Oui''. :'''Landa''': Yet I assume you don't share the same animosity with squirrels that you do with rats, do you? :'''LaPadite''': No. :'''Landa''': But they're both rodents, are they not? And except for the tail, they even rather look alike, don't they? :'''LaPadite''': It's an interesting thought, Herr Colonel. :'''Landa''': Ha! However interesting as the thought may be, it makes not one bit of difference to how you feel. If a rat were to walk in here right now, as I'm talking, would you greet it with a saucer of your delicious milk? :'''LaPadite''': Probably not. :'''Landa''': I didn't think so. You don't like them. You don't really know why you don't like them. All you know is you find them repulsive. Consequently, a German soldier conducts a search of a house suspected of hiding Jews: where does the hawk look? He looks in the barn. He looks in the attic. He looks in the cellar. He looks everywhere ''he'' would hide, but there's so many places it would never occur to a hawk to hide. However, the reason the Führer has brought me off my Alps in Austria and placed me in French cow country today is because it does occur to me, because I'm aware what tremendous feats human beings are capable of once they abandon dignity. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Col. Hans Landa''': Now, my job dictates that I must have my men enter your home and conduct a thorough search before I can officially cross your family's name off my list, and if there are any irregularities to be found, rest assured they will be — that is, unless you have something to tell me that makes the conducting of a search unnecessary. I might add, also, that any information that makes the performance of my duties easier will not be met with punishment. Actually, quite the contrary, it will be met with reward, and that reward will be your family will cease to be harassed in any way by the German military during the rest of our occupation of your country. ''[stares hard at LaPadite]'' You are sheltering enemies of the state, are you not? :'''Perrier LaPadite''': Yes. :'''Landa''': You're sheltering them underneath your floorboards, aren't you? :'''LaPadite''': ''[crying]'' Yes. :'''Landa''': Point out to me the areas where they are hiding. ''[LaPadite points.]'' Since I haven't heard any disturbance, I assume that while they're listening, they don't speak English. :'''LaPadite''': Yes. :'''Landa''': I'm going to switch back to French now. I want you to follow my masquerade. Is that clear? :'''LaPadite''': Yes. :'''Landa''': ''[in French]'' Monsieur LaPadite, I thank you for the milk and your hospitality. I do believe our business here is done. ''[opens the door and lets SS soldiers in]'' Ah, ladies. I thank you for your time. We shan't be bothering your family any longer. So, ''Monsieur, Mademoiselle'', I bid farewell to you and say: ''adieu''! ''[The soldiers shoot up the floorboards]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Lt. Aldo Raine''': Ten-hut! My name is Lt. Aldo Raine and I'm puttin' together a special team; and I need me eight soldiers. Eight Jewish-American soldiers. Now, y'all might heard rumors about the armada happening soon. Well, we'll be leaving a little earlier. We're gonna be dropped into France, dressed as civilians. And once we're in enemy territory, as a bushwackin' guerrilla army, we're gonna be doing one thang and one thang only … killin' Nazis. Now, I don't know about y'all, but I sure as hell didn't come down from the goddamn Smoky Mountains, cross five thousand miles of water, fight my way through half of Sicily and jump out of a fuckin' aer-o-plane to teach the Nazis lessons in humanity. Nazi ain't got no humanity. They're the foot soldiers of a Jew-hatin', mass murderin' maniac, and they need to be dee-stroyed. That's why any and every sumbitch we find wearin' a Nazi uniform, they're gonna die.<br /><br />Now, I am the direct descendant of the mountain man Jim Bridger, and that means I got a little Injun in me. And our battle plan will be that of an Apache resistance. We will be cruel to the Germans, and through our cruelty they will know who we are. And they will find the evidence of our cruelty in the disemboweled, dismembered and disfigured bodies of their brothers we leave behind us, and the Germans won't be able to help themselves but to imagine the cruelty their brothers endured at our hands, and our boot heels, and the edge of our knives. And the Germans will be sickened by us, and the Germans will talk about us, and the Germans will fear us. And when the Germans close their eyes at night and they're tortured by their subconscious for the evil that they've done, it will be with thoughts of us that they are tortured with. Sound good? :'''Soldiers''': Yes, sir! :'''Lt. Aldo Raine''': That's what I like to hear. But I got a word of warning for all you would-be warriors: when you join my command, you take on debt, a debt you owe me personally. Each and every man under my command owes me one hundred Nazi scalps. And I want my scalps! And all y'all will get me one hundred Nazi scalps taken from the heads of one hundred dead Nazis, or you will die tryin'! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lt. Aldo Raine''': Up the road apiece, there's an orchard. Now, besides you, we know there's another kraut patrol fucking around there somewhere. Now if that patrol were to have any crackshots, that orchard would be a god-damn sniper's delight. If you ever want to eat a sauerkraut sandwich again, you gotta show me on this here map where they are, you gotta tell me how many there are, and you gotta tell me what kind of artillery they're carrying with them. :'''Sgt. Werner Rachtman''': You can't expect me to divulge information that would put German lives in danger. :'''Lt. Raine''': Well, now Werner, that's where you're wrong, because that's exactly what I expect. I need to know about Germans hiding in them trees, and you need to tell me, and you need to tell me right now. Now, just take that finger of yours and point out on this here map where this party's being held, how many's coming, and what they brought to play with. :'''Sgt. Rachtman''': I respectfully refuse, sir. :'''Lt. Raine''': ''[rapping sound]'' Hear that? :'''Sgt. Rachtman''': Yes. :'''Lt. Raine''': That's Sgt. Donny Donowitz. You might know him better by his nickname: the Bear Jew. Now, if you heard of Aldo the Apache, you gotta have heard of the Bear Jew. :'''Sgt. Rachtman''': I've heard of the Bear Jew. :'''Lt. Raine''': What did you hear? :'''Sgt. Rachtman''': He beats German soldiers with a club. :'''Lt. Raine''': He bashes their brains in with a baseball bat, what he does. Now, Werner, I'm gonna ask you one last god-damn time. If you still respectfully refuse, I'm calling the Bear Jew over. He's gonna take that big bat of his, and he's gonna beat your ass to death with it. Now, take your wiener schnitzel lickin' finger and point out on this map what I want to know. :'''Sgt. Rachtman''': Fuck you, and your Jew dogs! ''[The Basterds all laugh.]'' :'''Lt. Raine''': Actually, Werner, we're all tickled to here you say that. Quite frankly, watching Donny beat Nazis to death is the closest we ever get to going to the movies. Donny! :'''Sgt. Donny Donowitz''': ''[from offscreen]'' Yeah? :'''Lt. Raine''': We got a German here who wants to die for his country! Oblige him! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hellstrom is trying to guess the famous person written on the card on his forehead, who is [[w:King Kong|King Kong]]]'' :'''Major Dieter Hellstrom''': Now, gentlemen, around this time you could ask whether you're real or fictitious. I, however, think that's too easy, so I won't ask that yet. Okay, my native land is the jungle. I visited America, but the visit was not fortuitous to me, but the implication is that it was to somebody else. When I went from the jungle to America, did I go by boat? :'''Bridget von Hammersmark''': Yes. :'''Hellstrom''': Did I go against my will? :'''Von Hammersmark''': Yes. : '''Hellstrom''': On this boat ride, was I in chains? :'''Von Hammersmark''': Yes. :'''Hellstrom''': When I arrived in America, was I displayed in chains? :'''Von Hammersmark''': Yes! :'''Hellstrom''': Am I the story of the negro in America? :'''Cpl. Wilhelm Wicki''': No. :'''Hellstrom''': Well, then, I must be King Kong. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hellstrom''': ''[in German]'' I must say, I grow weary of these monkeyshines. ''[clicking sound]'' Did you hear that? That was the sound of my Walther. Pointed right at your testicles. :'''Lt. Archie Hicox''': Why do you have your Walther pointed at my testicles? :'''Hellstrom''': Because you've just given yourself away, Captain. You're no more German than that scotch. :'''Hicox''': Well, Major... :'''Bridget von Hammersmark''': Major... :'''Hellstrom''': Shut up, slut! You were saying? :'''Hicox''': I was saying that that makes two of us. I've had a gun pointed at your balls since you sat down. :'''Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz''': That makes three of us. And at this range, I'm a real Frederick Zoller. :'''Hellstrom''': Looks like we have a bit of a sticky situation here. :'''Hicox''': What's going to happen, Major... you're going to stand up and walk out that door with us. :'''Hellstrom''': No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't think so. I'm afraid, you and I, we both know, Captain, no matter what happens to anybody else in this room the two of us aren't going anywhere. Too bad about Sergeant Wilhelm and his famous friends. If any of you expect to live, you'll have to shoot them too. Looks like little Max will grow up an orphan. How sad. :'''Hicox''': ''[In English]'' Well, if this is it, old boy, I hope you don't mind if I go out speaking the King's. :'''Hellstrom''': ''[In English]'' By all means, Captain. :'''Hicox''': There's a special ring in hell reserved for people who waste good scotch. Seeing as how I may be rapping on the door momentarily... ''[drinks his scotch]'' I must say, damn good stuff, Sir. Now, about this pickle we find ourselves in. It would appear there's only one thing left for you to do. :'''Hellstrom''': And what would that be? :'''Hicox''': Stiglitz... :'''Stiglitz''': Say "''Auf Wiedersehen''" to your Nazi balls! <hr width="50%" /> :''[Aldo, under the pseudonym "Enzo Gorlami", is faking Italian with a Southern US accent]'' :'''Lt. Aldo Raine''': ''Buongiorno.'' :'''Col. Hans Landa''': ''[in flawless Italian]'' Gentlemen, it's a pleasure; the friends of our cherished star, admired by all of us &ndash; this outright jewel of our culture &ndash; are naturally going to be under my personal protection for the duration of their stay. :'''Raine''': ''Grazie.'' :'''Landa''': ''[in Italian]'' "Gorlami"? Please, am I pronouncing it correctly? :'''Raine''': ''Sì'' &ndash; er, ''corretto''. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Col. Hans Landa''': As of this moment, both Omar and Donowitz should be sitting in the very seats we left them in &ndash; 0023 and 0024, if my memory serves &ndash; explosives still around their ankle, still ready to explode, and your mission, some would call it terrorist plot, as of this moment is still a go. :'''Lt. Aldo Raine''': That's a pretty exciting story. What's next, ''Eliza on Ice''? :'''Landa''': However, all I have to do is pick up this phone right there, inform the cinema, and your plan's ''kaput''. :'''Raine''': If they're still there, and if they're still alive – and that's one big if – there ain't no way you gonna take them boys without setting off them bombs. :'''Landa''': I have no doubt. Yes, some Germans will die, and yes, it will ruin the evening, and yes, [[w:Joseph Goebbels|Goebbels]] will be very, very, very mad at you for what you've done to his big night. But you won't get [[w:Adolf Hitler|Hitler]], you won't get Goebbels, you won't get [[w:Hermann Göring|Göring]], and you won't get [[w:Martin Bormann|Bormann]]. And you need all four to end the war. But if I don't pick up this phone right here, you may very well get all four. And if you get all four, you end the war &hellip; tonight. ''[lifts up the Chianti and fills their glasses]'' So, gentlemen, let's discuss the prospect of ending the war tonight. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Colonel Hans Landa''': Gentlemen, I have no intention of killing Hitler and killing Goebbels and killing Göring and killing Bormann, not to mention winning the war single-handedly for the Allies, only later to find myself standing before a Jewish tribunal. If you want to win the war tonight, we have to make a deal. :'''Lieutenant Aldo Raine''': What kind o' deal? :'''Landa''': The kind you wouldn't have the authority to make. However, I'm sure this mission of yours has a commanding officer — a general, I'm betting — for [[w:Office of Strategic Services|OSS]] would be my guess. ''[Raine is speechless]'' Oooh, that's a bingo! Is that the way you say it, "That's a bingo"? :'''Raine''': You just say "bingo." :'''Landa''': Bingo! How fun. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Lt. Aldo Raine''': You know, where I'm from— :'''Col. Hans Landa''': Yeah, where is that, exactly? :'''Raine''': [[w:Maynardville, Tennessee|Maynardville, Tennessee]] — I done my share of bootleggin'. Up there, if you engage in what the federal government calls illegal activity, but what we call a man just trying to earn a living for his family selling moonshine liquor, it behooves oneself to keep his wits. Long story short: we hear a story too good to be true &ndash; it ain't. :'''Landa''': Sitting in your chair, I would probably say the same thing. And 999.999 times out of a million you would be correct. But in the pages of history, every once in a while, fate reaches out and extends its hand. What shall the history books read? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Col. Hans Landa''': I'm officially surrendering myself over to you, Lieutenant Raine. We're your prisoners. :'''Lt. Aldo Raine''': How 'bout my knife? ''[Landa gives Raine his Bowie knife]'' Thank you very much, Colonel. Utivich, cuff the Colonel's hands behind his back. :'''Landa''': Oh, is that really necessary? :'''Raine''': I'm a slave to appearances. ''[shoots Hermann with Landa's Walther]'' ''[to Utivich]'' Scalp Hermann. :'''Landa''': Are you mad? What have you done? I made a deal with your generals for that man's life! :'''Raine''': Yeah, they made that deal, but they don't give a fuck about him. They need you. :'''Landa''': You'll be shot for this! :'''Raine''': Nah, I don't think so. More like chewed out. I've been chewed out before. == Taglines == * Once upon a time in Nazi occupied France… * You haven't seen war until you've seen it through the eyes of Quentin Tarantino. * If You Need Heroes, Send In The Basterds * AN INGLORIOUS, UPROARIOUS THRILL-RIDE OF VENGEANCE * A basterd's work is never done. == Cast == * [[Brad Pitt]] &ndash; Lieutenant Aldo "The Apache" Raine * [[w:Christoph Waltz|Christoph Waltz]] &ndash; [[w:Standartenführer|Standartenführer]] [[w:Hans Landa|Hans "The Jew Hunter" Landa]] * [[w:Melanie Laurent|Mélanie Laurent]] &ndash; Shosanna Dreyfus aka Emmanuelle Mimieux * [[w:Eli Roth|Eli Roth]] &ndash; Staff Sergeant Donny "The Bear Jew" Donowitz * [[w:Til Schweiger|Til Schweiger]] &ndash; [[w:Oberfeldwebel|Oberfeldwebel]] Hugo Stiglitz * [[w:Michael Fassbender|Michael Fassbender]] &ndash; Lieutenant Archie Hicox * [[w:Daniel Brühl|Daniel Brühl]] &ndash; [[w:Oberschütze|Oberschütze]] Frederick Zoller * [[w:Diane Krüger|Diane Krüger]] &ndash; Bridget von Hammersmark * [[w:B.J. Novak|B.J. Novak]] &ndash; Private First Class Smithson "The Little Man" Utivich * [[w:Gedeon Burkhard|Gedeon Burkhard]] &ndash; Corporal Wilhelm Wicki * [[w:Jacky Ido|Jacky Ido]] &ndash; Marcel * [[w:August Diehl|August Diehl]] &ndash; [[w:Sturmbannführer|Sturmbannführer]] Dieter Hellstrom * [[w:Sylvester Groth|Sylvester Groth]] &ndash; [[Joseph Goebbels]] * [[w:Martin Wuttke|Martin Wuttke]] &ndash; [[Adolf Hitler]] * [[w:Mike Myers (actor)|Mike Myers]] &ndash; General Ed Fenech * [[w:Omar Doom|Omar Doom]] &ndash; Private First Class Omar Ulmer * [[w:Samm Levine|Samm Levine]] &ndash; Private First Class Gerold Hirschberg * [[w:Paul Rust|Paul Rust]] &ndash; Private First Class Andy Kagan * [[w:Michael Bacall|Michael Bacall]] &ndash; Private First Class Michael Zimmerman * Carlos Fidel &ndash; Private First Class Simon Sakowitz * [[w:Julie Dreyfus|Julie Dreyfus]] &ndash; Francesca Mondino * [[w:Rod Taylor|Rod Taylor]] &ndash; [[Winston Churchill]] (final film role) * [[w:Samuel L. Jackson|Samuel L. Jackson]] &ndash; Narrator == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0361748|title=Inglourious Basterds}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=inglourious_basterds|title=Inglourious Basterds}} * [http://inglouriousbasterds-movie.com/ Official site] [[Category:2009 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:German films]] [[Category:Drama films]] [[Category:Quentin Tarantino films]] [[Category:World War II films]] [[Category:Screenplays by Quentin Tarantino]] [[Category:Nazis in film]] [[Category:Films about revenge]] [[Category:Alternate history films]] 84udrvyegvasjqf6trjl8qyubtcyral 0 107984 3158029 3157768 2022-08-26T00:33:30Z Eaglestorm 16205 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Licensetokill-logo.svg|thumb|]] '''''[[w:Licence to Kill|Licence to Kill]]''''' is a [[w:1989 in film|1989 film]] in which James Bond leaves Her Majesty's Secret Service to stop an evil drug lord and avenge his best friend, Felix Leiter. :''Directed by [[w:John Glen|John Glen]]. Written by [[w:Michael G. Wilson|Michael G. Wilson]] and [[w:Richard Maibaum|Richard Maibaum]].'' {{center|'''His bad side is a dangerous place to be.''' <small>[[#Taglines|taglines]]</small>}} == Franz Sanchez == * ''Señor'' Bond, you got big ''cojones''. You come here, to my place, without references, carrying a piece, throwing around a lot of money... but you should know something: nobody saw you come in, so nobody has to see you go out. * ''[about to put Bond in a cocaine grinder]'' When it gets up to your ankles, you're going to beg to tell me everything. When it gets up to your knees, you'll kiss my ass to kill you. == Dialogue == :'''Ed Killifer''': You're facing 139 felony counts, Sanchez. Why that's 936 years. Even one of your famous $1-million-dollar bribes can't get you out of this one. :'''Franz Sanchez''': Two. :'''Killifer''': What? :'''Sanchez''': Two million. U.S. Standing offer for anyone who squeaks me. :'''Killifer''': Goddammit, you think you're in some banana republic?! All that scumbag money won't do you a bit of good here. :'''Sanchez''': Very good, but I think I'm gonna be home soon, huh? :'''Killifer''': Why you.....''[attacks Sanchez before being restrained by his partner]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[M confronts Bond in Key West over his emotional response to what happened to Felix and Della]'' :'''M''': You were supposed to be in Istanbul last night! I'm afraid this unfortunate Leiter business has, somehow... clouded your judgment. You have a job to do. I expect you on a plane this afternoon. :'''James Bond''': I haven't finished here, sir. :'''M''': Leave it to the Americans. It's their mess. Let them clean it up. :'''James Bond''': Sir, they're not going to do anything! I owe it to Leiter. He's put his life on the line for me many times before. :'''M''': Oh, spare me this sentimental rubbish! He knew the risks. :'''James Bond''': And his wife? :'''M''': This private vendetta of yours could easily compromise Her Majesty's Government. You have an assignment, and I expect you to carry it out ''objectively'' and ''professionally''. :'''James Bond''': Then you have my resignation, sir. :'''M''': We're not a country club, 007! Effective immediately, your licence to kill is revoked. And I require you to hand over your weapon. Now. I need hardly remind you that you're still bound by the Official Secrets Act. :'''James Bond''': Then I guess it's... farewell to arms. :''[Bond knocks the other agents and escapes before the snipers on the top roof try to kill him and the other MI6 agent tries to shoot Bond down, but M stops him]'' :'''M''': Don't! Too many people! ''[M sees his best agent running away from MI6 in Key West and is shocked to see this]'' God help you, commander. <hr width="50%"/> :'''James Bond''': This is no place for you, Q. Go home. :'''Q''': Oh, don't be an idiot, 007. I know exactly what you're up to, and quite frankly, you're going to need my help. Remember, if it hadn't been for Q Branch, you'd have been dead long ago. ''[opens a case]'' Everything for a man on holiday. Explosive alarm clock - guaranteed never to wake up anyone who uses it. Dentonite toothpaste - to be used sparingly, the latest in plastic explosive. :'''Bond''': I could do with some plastic. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Killifer is dangling on a rope over shark-infested water]'' :'''Ed Killifer''': There's $2 million in that suitcase. I'll split it with you. :'''James Bond''': ''[menacingly]'' You earned it. You keep it... old '''''buddy'''''! :''[Bond throws the case at him, knocking Killifer into the water. A shark makes Killifer his next meal]'' :'''Sharkey''': God, what a terrible waste. ''[Bond glares at Sharkey]'' Of money. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kwang and his Hong Kong agents have captured James Bond]'' :'''Kwang''': Who would have a signature gun? :'''Fallon''': James Bond. ''[examines the gun]'' This is the property of Her Majesty's Government. How did you get it? :'''James Bond''': Go to blazes! :'''Kwang''': Who ordered you to kill Sanchez? :'''Fallon''': No one! He's a rogue agent. I've got orders to take him back one way or another. :'''Bond''': Who the hell are you people?! :'''Kwang''': We're [[w:Security Bureau (Hong Kong)|Hong Kong Narcotics]], you bastard! ''[grabs Bond]'' Sanchez is taking us to the heart of his operations. I've been setting it up for years! ''[menacingly]'' I just hope that little stunt of yours hasn't scared him off! :''[Sanchez's army is at the hideout]'' :'''Bond''': Get me out of these bloody things so I can deal with you. :'''Fallon''': No, Commander. You're in no position to make deals. You're a loose cannon on deck. ''[prepares syringe]'' I'm shipping you straight back to London. :''[Bond struggles until Sanchez's army attacks]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bond has destroyed a tanker]'' :'''Truman-Lodge''': '''Brilliant!''' Well done, Franz! Another $80 million ''write-off''! :'''Franz Sanchez''': Then I guess it's time to start cutting overhead. ''[guns him down]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bond has destroyed all of Sanchez' tankers and has just emerged from the wreck of the last tanker]'' :'''Franz Sanchez''': ''[sets up to hack Bond by machete]'' You could have had everything! :'''James Bond''': Don't you want to know why? ''[briefly shows Sanchez his cigar lighter which says "James, love always. Della and Felix." Bond sets Sanchez on fire and escapes before the oil tanker explodes. He sees Pam driving a truck cab]'' :'''Pam Bouvier''': What are you waiting for, get in! :'''Bond''': Yes, sir! ''[gets in the truck and escapes with Pam]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bond is at the party having a phone call with Felix Leiter]'' :'''James Bond''': I'll be up to see you next week. :'''Felix Leiter''': Good. I'll be out by then. M called, he tried to reach you, I think he may have a job for you. :'''Bond''': Look, Felix, I have to go, My, er, hostess has just arrived. :'''Leiter''': Take care, James. :'''Bond''': You too. Goodbye. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bond dives onto a pool to join Pam, who was distraught seeing him with Lupe]'' :'''Pam Bouvier''': Why don't you wait until you're asked? :'''James Bond''': So why don't you ask me? == Taglines == * His bad side is a dangerous place to be. * James Bond is out on his own and out for revenge. * Out for revenge. Glimpse behind the cool facade of 007, And see how sweet revenge can really be. * Disgraced, Dishonoured, Deadly. * When Bond wants revenge, nothing stands in his way. Not even [[On Her Majesty's Secret Service (film)|HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE]]! == Cast == * [[w:Timothy Dalton|Timothy Dalton]] - [[w:James Bond (character)|James Bond]] * [[w:Carey Lowell|Carey Lowell]] - [[w:Pam Bouvier|Pam Bouvier]] * [[w:Robert Davi|Robert Davi]] - [[w:Franz Sanchez|Franz Sanchez]] * [[w:Talisa Soto|Talisa Soto]] - [[w:Lupe Lamora|Lupe Lamora]] * [[w:Anthony Zerbe|Anthony Zerbe]] - Milton Krest * [[w:Frank McRae|Frank McRae]] - [[w:Sharkey (James Bond)|Sharkey]] * [[w:David Hedison|David Hedison]] - [[w:Felix Leiter|Felix Leiter]] * [[w:Priscilla Barnes|Priscilla Barnes]] - [[w:Della Churchill|Della Churchill]] * [[w:Wayne Newton|Wayne Newton]] - Professor Joe Butcher * [[w:Benicio Del Toro|Benicio Del Toro]] - Dario * [[w:Anthony Starke|Anthony Starke]] - Truman-Lodge * [[w:Everett McGill|Everett McGill]] - Ed Killifer * [[w:Desmond Llewelyn|Desmond Llewelyn]] - [[w:Q (James Bond)|Q]] * [[w:Robert Brown (British actor)|Robert Brown]] - [[w:M (James Bond)|M]] * [[w:Caroline Bliss|Caroline Bliss]] - [[w:Miss Monepenny|Miss Moneypenny]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0097742|title=Licence to Kill}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=licence_to_kill|title=Licence to Kill}} [[Category:1989 films]] [[Category:Action films]] [[Category:James Bond 007]] [[Category:British films]] [[Category:Films about terrorism]] [[Category:Films about revenge]] fhtoxpbz7jkvfe5osz92pt8df04jbde 0 108686 3158023 3156996 2022-08-26T00:20:06Z Coningsby 10755 /* Quotes about Shaftesbury */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Anthony Ashley Cooper.jpg|120px|thumb|right]] '''[[w:Anthony Ashley Cooper, 1st Earl of Shaftesbury|Anthony Ashley Cooper, 1st Earl of Shaftesbury]]''' ([[22 July]] [[1621]] – [[21 January]] [[1683]]), known as '''Sir Anthony Ashley-Cooper, 2nd Baronet''', from 1631 to 1661 and as '''The Lord Ashley''' from 1661 to 1672, was a prominent [[w:Kingdom of England|English]] politician during the [[w:Interregnum (England)|Interregnum]] and during the reign of [[Charles II of England|King Charles II]]. A founder of the [[w:Whig (British political party)|Whig]] party, he is also remembered as the patron of [[John Locke]]. :''(Not to be confused with his grandson, [[Anthony Ashley-Cooper, 3rd Earl of Shaftesbury]].)'' ==Quotes about Shaftesbury== * '''I will dwell a little longer on his character; for it was of a very extraordinary composition. He began to make a considerable figure very early. … He had a wonderful faculty in speaking to a popular assembly, and could mix both the facetious and the serious way of arguing very agreeably.''' He had a particular talent to make others trust to his judgment, and depend on it: and he brought over so many to a submission to his opinion, that I never knew any man equal to him in the art of governing parties, and of making himself the head of them. He was, as to religion, a deist at best. ** [[w:Gilbert Burnet|Gilbert Burnet]], in ''Bishop Burnet's History of His Own Time'' (1823), Vol. I, p. 164 [[File:Anthony Ashley-Cooper, 1st Earl of Shaftesbury.jpg|144px|thumb|right|Men of sense are really but of one religion. … men of sense never tell it.]] * For close designs and crooked counsels fit,<br>Sagacious, bold, and turbulent of wit,<br>Restless, unfixed in principles and place,<br>In power unpleased, impatient of disgrace;<br>A fiery soul, which, working out its way,<br>Fretted the pigmy-body to decay<br>And o'er informed the tenement of clay.<br>A daring pilot in extremity,<br>Pleased with the danger, when the waves went high,<br>He sought the storms; but, for a calm unfit,<br>Would steer too nigh the sands to boast his wit.<br>Great wits are sure to madness near allied<br>And thin partitions do their bounds divide;<br>Else, why should he, with wealth and honour blest,<br>Refuse his age the needful hours of rest?<br>Punish a body which he could not please,<br>Bankrupt of life, yet prodigal of ease?<br>And all to leave what with his toil he won<br>To that unfeathered two-legged thing, a son,<br>Got, while his soul did huddled notions try,<br>And born a shapeless lump, like anarchy.<br>In friendship false, implacable in hate,<br>Resolved to ruin or to rule the state. ** [[w:John Dryden|John Dryden]], ''[[w:Absalom and Achitophel|Absalom and Achitophel]]'', 1681 *Shaftesbury had, in reality, no intention of permanently subverting the independence of the individual members or of establishing a dictatorship based on popular support. He was forced to use the people in order to maintain pressure on the [[Charles II of England|King]], he had to establish close relations with the radicals, but he did not intend to share power with them. He used the most unscrupulous methods—subsidising perjurers and an inflammatory press, appealing to the masses with a daring and an ability unmatched in the next century and a half, because of the long odds which he faced. The party which he developed might appear to be revolutionary and unprecedented (with the ominous exception of [[w:John Pym|Pym]]'s), Shaftesbury might seem to be a real demagogue, a veritable Tribune of the people, but his ultimate objectives were essentially conservative. His theoretical proposals for the reform of the representative system, involving a drastic reduction in the size of the electorate, would have strengthened the independence of the individual member and established an [[oligarchy]] even more secure than that which was to rule in the eighteenth century. **[[w:J. R. Jones|J. R. Jones]], ''The First Whigs: The Politics of the Exclusion Crisis, 1678–1683'' (1961), p. 213 *Not merely were the [[Whigs (British political party)|Whigs]] forced into total submission and inactivity in the years after 1683, but after 1688 those who called themselves Whigs explicitly repudiated Shaftesbury's example. To them, in retrospect, he appeared to have been a dangerous incendiary, another [[w:John Pym|Pym]]. They revered [[w:William Russell, Lord Russell|Russell]] and [[Algernon Sidney|Sidney]] as martyrs put to death by a tyrant, but they would not acknowledge Shaftesbury as their political ancestor. The frequent changes in his long career pointed to insincerity and opportunism, and his final conversion seemed to have been a tactical change of front rather than a genuine change of heart. It was not an accident that Shaftesbury had to wait so long for a biographer and apologist; he retrained too much of the character of the age and circumstances which had produced Pym and [[Oliver Cromwell|Cromwell]]. **[[w:J. R. Jones|J. R. Jones]], ''The First Whigs: The Politics of the Exclusion Crisis, 1678–1683'' (1961), p. 216 *I wish I could...give you a full notion of the idea which [[John Locke|Mr. Locke]] had of that nobleman's merit. He lost no opportunity of speaking to it, and that in a manner which sufficiently showed he spoke from his heart... In short, Mr. Locke, so long as he lived, remembered with much delight the time he had spent in my Lord Shaftesbury's conversation; and never spoke of his known abilities with esteem only, but even with admiration. **[[w:Damaris Cudworth Masham|Damaris Masham]] to Le Clerc (12 January 1705), quoted in K. H. D. Haley, ''The First Earl of Shaftesbury'' (1968), pp. 217-218 * A person came to make him a visit whilst he was sitting one day with a lady of his family, who retired upon that to another part of the room with her work, and seemed not to attend to the conversation between the Earl and the other person, which turned soon into some dispute upon subjects of religion; after a good deal of that sort of talk, the Earl said at last, "'''People differ in their discourse and profession about these matters, but men of sense are really but of one religion.'''" Upon which says the lady of a sudden, "Pray, my lord, what religion is that which men of sense agree in?" "'''Madam,'''" says the Earl, "'''men of sense never tell it.'''" ** Note by [[w:Speaker of the House of Commons|Speaker]] [[w:Arthur Onslow| Arthur Onslow]] in ''Bishop Burnet's History of His Own Time'' (1823) by Bishop [[w:Gilbert Burnet|Gilbert Burnet]], Vol. I, p. 164 == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Shaftesbury, Anthony Ashley Cooper, 1st Earl of}} [[Category:Politicians from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:1621 births]] [[Category:1683 deaths]] [[Category:Whig (British political party) politicians]] [[Category:Critics of religion]] [[Category:Prisoners]] [[Category:People from England]] k0yqzke0yil15d56llr0posvlk38ah5 0 109532 3157981 3157509 2022-08-25T22:52:12Z 2001:8F8:1B2F:AB8A:18F7:1861:80E:5773 wikitext text/x-wiki [[https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/kid-cudi/the-prayer.html|The Prayer]][[File:Kidcudi (300dpi).jpg |thumb|right|I know it's easy to imagine but its easier to just "do"]] '''[[w:Kid Cudi|Scott Ramon Seguro Mescudi]]''' (born [[30 January]] [[1984]]), better known by his stage name '''Kid Cudi''', (often stylized as '''KiD CuDi'''), is an [[w:United States|American]] [[w:hip hop music|hip hop]] recording artist and the lead singer, and guitarist of the [[w:alternative rock|alternative rock]] band, [[w:WZRD (band)|WZRD]]. ==Music== **-('''[[w:A Kid Named Cudi|A Kid Named Cudi]], [[w:Man on the Moon: The End of Day|Man on the Moon: The End of Day]], [[w:Man on the Moon II: The Legend of Mr. Rager|Man on the Moon II: The Legend of Mr. Rager]] and [[w:Indicud|Indicud]])''' *"Salutations my niggas, I'm aware that I'm different, you can still keep it hood while you're smoking just listen, it don't matter your race<br>just take a blunt to the face" **-'''Dat New New''' *"Blood sweat and tears homie I'm made of it" **-'''Dat New New''' *"I never gave a fuck, I never gave a fuck what niggas thought about me. I mean, I did, but like fuck it. You know what I'm sayin'?" **-'''Man on the Moon (The Anthem)''' *"I know it's easy to imagine but its easier to just "do"<br>If you can't "do" what you imagine<br>then what is imagination to you?" **-'''Enter Galactic''' *"Cause day and night, the lonely stoner seems to free his mind at night, he's all alone through the day and night, the lonely loner seems to free his mind at night" **-'''Day 'n' Night''' *"And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take but please don't cry, just know that I have made these songs for you, and if I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take cause I'm ready for a funeral" **-'''The Prayer''' *"This is my story, this is my song If you feel it, muthafucka, you can't go wrong to the screw-face niggaz, whatch you on? Get off that, get a goal and focus dawg" **-'''Down and Out''' *"For even in hell, I still have faith to one day be free with my father at the gates but make no mistakes, I'll show you what time takes<br>to be a success on earth, mixed with all the hate" **-'''Down and Out''' *"I've got some issues that nobody can see and all of these emotions are pouring out of me I bring them to the light for you it's only right" **- '''Soundtrack 2 My Life''' *"if I fall if I die know I lived it to the fullest, if I fall if I die know I lived and missed some bullets" **-'''Pursuit of Happiness''' *"you don't really care about the trials of tomorrow, rather lay awake in a bed full of sorrow" **-'''Pursuit of Happiness''' *"You can’t, can’t be, where I,I be Follow me and you’ll see and you’ll see." ** -'''Follow Me''' *"No I'm not no loser, I'll see you in Hell." ** -'''Heart of a Lion''' *"Can't we just all get a bong and tag along." ** -'''Hyyerr''' *"Birds seen flying around, you never see them too long on the ground, You want to be one of them..." ** -'''Mr. Rager''' *"I hope they understand that I really understand<br>That they don't understand" ** -'''GHOST!''' *"I know what it feels like to have a broken nose. And ain't nobody hit you in it. It's really cause that shit that you snorted and put all in it. That time you thought I was finished no I just experimented and it helped me adjust and be ok, with being demented" ** -'''Burn Baby Burn''' ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cudi, Kid}} [[Category:Rappers from the United States]] [[Category:1984 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:Record producers from the United States]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Musicians from the United States]] [[Category:Composers from the United States]] [[Category:People from Cleveland]] [[Category:Actors from the United States]] nxexcj4lbprj1l5bb5xjqp4fe9elta5 3157982 3157981 2022-08-25T22:53:29Z 2001:8F8:1B2F:AB8A:18F7:1861:80E:5773 wikitext text/x-wiki [[|[https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/kid-cudi/the-prayer.html The Prayer]]][[File:Kidcudi (300dpi).jpg |thumb|right|I know it's easy to imagine but its easier to just "do"]] '''[[w:Kid Cudi|Scott Ramon Seguro Mescudi]]''' (born [[30 January]] [[1984]]), better known by his stage name '''Kid Cudi''', (often stylized as '''KiD CuDi'''), is an [[w:United States|American]] [[w:hip hop music|hip hop]] recording artist and the lead singer, and guitarist of the [[w:alternative rock|alternative rock]] band, [[w:WZRD (band)|WZRD]]. ==Music== **-('''[[w:A Kid Named Cudi|A Kid Named Cudi]], [[w:Man on the Moon: The End of Day|Man on the Moon: The End of Day]], [[w:Man on the Moon II: The Legend of Mr. Rager|Man on the Moon II: The Legend of Mr. Rager]] and [[w:Indicud|Indicud]])''' *"Salutations my niggas, I'm aware that I'm different, you can still keep it hood while you're smoking just listen, it don't matter your race<br>just take a blunt to the face" **-'''Dat New New''' *"Blood sweat and tears homie I'm made of it" **-'''Dat New New''' *"I never gave a fuck, I never gave a fuck what niggas thought about me. I mean, I did, but like fuck it. You know what I'm sayin'?" **-'''Man on the Moon (The Anthem)''' *"I know it's easy to imagine but its easier to just "do"<br>If you can't "do" what you imagine<br>then what is imagination to you?" **-'''Enter Galactic''' *"Cause day and night, the lonely stoner seems to free his mind at night, he's all alone through the day and night, the lonely loner seems to free his mind at night" **-'''Day 'n' Night''' *"And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take but please don't cry, just know that I have made these songs for you, and if I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take cause I'm ready for a funeral" **-'''The Prayer''' *"This is my story, this is my song If you feel it, muthafucka, you can't go wrong to the screw-face niggaz, whatch you on? Get off that, get a goal and focus dawg" **-'''Down and Out''' *"For even in hell, I still have faith to one day be free with my father at the gates but make no mistakes, I'll show you what time takes<br>to be a success on earth, mixed with all the hate" **-'''Down and Out''' *"I've got some issues that nobody can see and all of these emotions are pouring out of me I bring them to the light for you it's only right" **- '''Soundtrack 2 My Life''' *"if I fall if I die know I lived it to the fullest, if I fall if I die know I lived and missed some bullets" **-'''Pursuit of Happiness''' *"you don't really care about the trials of tomorrow, rather lay awake in a bed full of sorrow" **-'''Pursuit of Happiness''' *"You can’t, can’t be, where I,I be Follow me and you’ll see and you’ll see." ** -'''Follow Me''' *"No I'm not no loser, I'll see you in Hell." ** -'''Heart of a Lion''' *"Can't we just all get a bong and tag along." ** -'''Hyyerr''' *"Birds seen flying around, you never see them too long on the ground, You want to be one of them..." ** -'''Mr. Rager''' *"I hope they understand that I really understand<br>That they don't understand" ** -'''GHOST!''' *"I know what it feels like to have a broken nose. And ain't nobody hit you in it. It's really cause that shit that you snorted and put all in it. That time you thought I was finished no I just experimented and it helped me adjust and be ok, with being demented" ** -'''Burn Baby Burn''' ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cudi, Kid}} [[Category:Rappers from the United States]] [[Category:1984 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:Record producers from the United States]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Musicians from the United States]] [[Category:Composers from the United States]] [[Category:People from Cleveland]] [[Category:Actors from the United States]] 7cjd9gc8ebfutvr9m62exm2uppv0pzv 3157983 3157982 2022-08-25T22:54:54Z 2001:8F8:1B2F:AB8A:18F7:1861:80E:5773 wikitext text/x-wiki [https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/kid-cudi/the-prayer.html The Prayer][[|[https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/kid-cudi/the-prayer.html The Prayer]]][[File:Kidcudi (300dpi).jpg |thumb|right|I know it's easy to imagine but its easier to just "do"]] '''[[w:Kid Cudi|Scott Ramon Seguro Mescudi]]''' (born [[30 January]] [[1984]]), better known by his stage name '''Kid Cudi''', (often stylized as '''KiD CuDi'''), is an [[w:United States|American]] [[w:hip hop music|hip hop]] recording artist and the lead singer, and guitarist of the [[w:alternative rock|alternative rock]] band, [[w:WZRD (band)|WZRD]]. ==Music== **-('''[[w:A Kid Named Cudi|A Kid Named Cudi]], [[w:Man on the Moon: The End of Day|Man on the Moon: The End of Day]], [[w:Man on the Moon II: The Legend of Mr. Rager|Man on the Moon II: The Legend of Mr. Rager]] and [[w:Indicud|Indicud]])''' *"Salutations my niggas, I'm aware that I'm different, you can still keep it hood while you're smoking just listen, it don't matter your race<br>just take a blunt to the face" **-'''Dat New New''' *"Blood sweat and tears homie I'm made of it" **-'''Dat New New''' *"I never gave a fuck, I never gave a fuck what niggas thought about me. I mean, I did, but like fuck it. You know what I'm sayin'?" **-'''Man on the Moon (The Anthem)''' *"I know it's easy to imagine but its easier to just "do"<br>If you can't "do" what you imagine<br>then what is imagination to you?" **-'''Enter Galactic''' *"Cause day and night, the lonely stoner seems to free his mind at night, he's all alone through the day and night, the lonely loner seems to free his mind at night" **-'''Day 'n' Night''' *"And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take but please don't cry, just know that I have made these songs for you, and if I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take cause I'm ready for a funeral" **-'''The Prayer''' *"This is my story, this is my song If you feel it, muthafucka, you can't go wrong to the screw-face niggaz, whatch you on? Get off that, get a goal and focus dawg" **-'''Down and Out''' *"For even in hell, I still have faith to one day be free with my father at the gates but make no mistakes, I'll show you what time takes<br>to be a success on earth, mixed with all the hate" **-'''Down and Out''' *"I've got some issues that nobody can see and all of these emotions are pouring out of me I bring them to the light for you it's only right" **- '''Soundtrack 2 My Life''' *"if I fall if I die know I lived it to the fullest, if I fall if I die know I lived and missed some bullets" **-'''Pursuit of Happiness''' *"you don't really care about the trials of tomorrow, rather lay awake in a bed full of sorrow" **-'''Pursuit of Happiness''' *"You can’t, can’t be, where I,I be Follow me and you’ll see and you’ll see." ** -'''Follow Me''' *"No I'm not no loser, I'll see you in Hell." ** -'''Heart of a Lion''' *"Can't we just all get a bong and tag along." ** -'''Hyyerr''' *"Birds seen flying around, you never see them too long on the ground, You want to be one of them..." ** -'''Mr. Rager''' *"I hope they understand that I really understand<br>That they don't understand" ** -'''GHOST!''' *"I know what it feels like to have a broken nose. And ain't nobody hit you in it. It's really cause that shit that you snorted and put all in it. That time you thought I was finished no I just experimented and it helped me adjust and be ok, with being demented" ** -'''Burn Baby Burn''' ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cudi, Kid}} [[Category:Rappers from the United States]] [[Category:1984 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:Record producers from the United States]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Musicians from the United States]] [[Category:Composers from the United States]] [[Category:People from Cleveland]] [[Category:Actors from the United States]] 5lfn29hpkbllap2qis27436510o2tyl 3157984 3157983 2022-08-25T22:57:19Z 2001:8F8:1B2F:AB8A:18F7:1861:80E:5773 wikitext text/x-wiki https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/kid-cudi/dat-new-new.html[https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/kid-cudi/the-prayer.html The Prayer][[|[https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/kid-cudi/the-prayer.html The Prayer]]][[File:Kidcudi (300dpi).jpg |thumb|right|I know it's easy to imagine but its easier to just "do"]] '''[[w:Kid Cudi|Scott Ramon Seguro Mescudi]]''' (born [[30 January]] [[1984]]), better known by his stage name '''Kid Cudi''', (often stylized as '''KiD CuDi'''), is an [[w:United States|American]] [[w:hip hop music|hip hop]] recording artist and the lead singer, and guitarist of the [[w:alternative rock|alternative rock]] band, [[w:WZRD (band)|WZRD]]. ==Music== **-('''[[w:A Kid Named Cudi|A Kid Named Cudi]], [[w:Man on the Moon: The End of Day|Man on the Moon: The End of Day]], [[w:Man on the Moon II: The Legend of Mr. Rager|Man on the Moon II: The Legend of Mr. Rager]] and [[w:Indicud|Indicud]])''' *"Salutations my niggas, I'm aware that I'm different, you can still keep it hood while you're smoking just listen, it don't matter your race<br>just take a blunt to the face" **-'''Dat New New''' *"Blood sweat and tears homie I'm made of it" **-'''Dat New New''' *"I never gave a fuck, I never gave a fuck what niggas thought about me. I mean, I did, but like fuck it. You know what I'm sayin'?" **-'''Man on the Moon (The Anthem)''' *"I know it's easy to imagine but its easier to just "do"<br>If you can't "do" what you imagine<br>then what is imagination to you?" **-'''Enter Galactic''' *"Cause day and night, the lonely stoner seems to free his mind at night, he's all alone through the day and night, the lonely loner seems to free his mind at night" **-'''Day 'n' Night''' *"And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take but please don't cry, just know that I have made these songs for you, and if I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take cause I'm ready for a funeral" **-'''The Prayer''' *"This is my story, this is my song If you feel it, muthafucka, you can't go wrong to the screw-face niggaz, whatch you on? Get off that, get a goal and focus dawg" **-'''Down and Out''' *"For even in hell, I still have faith to one day be free with my father at the gates but make no mistakes, I'll show you what time takes<br>to be a success on earth, mixed with all the hate" **-'''Down and Out''' *"I've got some issues that nobody can see and all of these emotions are pouring out of me I bring them to the light for you it's only right" **- '''Soundtrack 2 My Life''' *"if I fall if I die know I lived it to the fullest, if I fall if I die know I lived and missed some bullets" **-'''Pursuit of Happiness''' *"you don't really care about the trials of tomorrow, rather lay awake in a bed full of sorrow" **-'''Pursuit of Happiness''' *"You can’t, can’t be, where I,I be Follow me and you’ll see and you’ll see." ** -'''Follow Me''' *"No I'm not no loser, I'll see you in Hell." ** -'''Heart of a Lion''' *"Can't we just all get a bong and tag along." ** -'''Hyyerr''' *"Birds seen flying around, you never see them too long on the ground, You want to be one of them..." ** -'''Mr. Rager''' *"I hope they understand that I really understand<br>That they don't understand" ** -'''GHOST!''' *"I know what it feels like to have a broken nose. And ain't nobody hit you in it. It's really cause that shit that you snorted and put all in it. That time you thought I was finished no I just experimented and it helped me adjust and be ok, with being demented" ** -'''Burn Baby Burn''' ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cudi, Kid}} [[Category:Rappers from the United States]] [[Category:1984 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:Record producers from the United States]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Musicians from the United States]] [[Category:Composers from the United States]] [[Category:People from Cleveland]] [[Category:Actors from the United States]] 8fk5wgnc9z7i5ben8no90kweukpltq7 3157985 3157984 2022-08-25T22:59:44Z 2001:8F8:1B2F:AB8A:18F7:1861:80E:5773 wikitext text/x-wiki https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/kid-cudi/dat-new-new.html[https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/kid-cudi/the-prayer.html The Prayer][[|[https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/kid-cudi/the-prayer.html The Prayer]]][[File:Kidcudi (300dpi).jpg |thumb|right|I know it's easy to imagine but its easier to just "do"]] '''[[w:Kid Cudi|Scott Ramon Seguro Mescudi]]''' (born [[30 January]] [[1984]]), better known by his stage name '''Kid Cudi''', (often stylized as '''KiD CuDi'''), is an [[w:United States|American]] [[w:hip hop music|hip hop]] recording artist and the lead singer, and guitarist of the [[w:alternative rock|alternative rock]] band, [[w:WZRD (band)|WZRD]]. ==Music== **-('''[[w:A Kid Named Cudi|A Kid Named Cudi]], [[w:Man on the Moon: The End of Day|Man on the Moon: The End of Day]], [[w:Man on the Moon II: The Legend of Mr. Rager|Man on the Moon II: The Legend of Mr. Rager]] and [[w:Indicud|Indicud]])''' *"Salutations my niggas, I'm aware that I'm different, you can still keep it hood while you're smoking just listen, it don't matter your race<br>just take a blunt to the face" **-'''<a href="https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/kid-cudi/dat-new-new.html">Dat New New</a>''' *"Blood sweat and tears homie I'm made of it" **-'''Dat New New''' *"I never gave a fuck, I never gave a fuck what niggas thought about me. I mean, I did, but like fuck it. You know what I'm sayin'?" **-'''Man on the Moon (The Anthem)''' *"I know it's easy to imagine but its easier to just "do"<br>If you can't "do" what you imagine<br>then what is imagination to you?" **-'''Enter Galactic''' *"Cause day and night, the lonely stoner seems to free his mind at night, he's all alone through the day and night, the lonely loner seems to free his mind at night" **-'''Day 'n' Night''' *"And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take but please don't cry, just know that I have made these songs for you, and if I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take cause I'm ready for a funeral" **-'''The Prayer''' *"This is my story, this is my song If you feel it, muthafucka, you can't go wrong to the screw-face niggaz, whatch you on? Get off that, get a goal and focus dawg" **-'''Down and Out''' *"For even in hell, I still have faith to one day be free with my father at the gates but make no mistakes, I'll show you what time takes<br>to be a success on earth, mixed with all the hate" **-'''Down and Out''' *"I've got some issues that nobody can see and all of these emotions are pouring out of me I bring them to the light for you it's only right" **- '''Soundtrack 2 My Life''' *"if I fall if I die know I lived it to the fullest, if I fall if I die know I lived and missed some bullets" **-'''Pursuit of Happiness''' *"you don't really care about the trials of tomorrow, rather lay awake in a bed full of sorrow" **-'''Pursuit of Happiness''' *"You can’t, can’t be, where I,I be Follow me and you’ll see and you’ll see." ** -'''Follow Me''' *"No I'm not no loser, I'll see you in Hell." ** -'''Heart of a Lion''' *"Can't we just all get a bong and tag along." ** -'''Hyyerr''' *"Birds seen flying around, you never see them too long on the ground, You want to be one of them..." ** -'''Mr. Rager''' *"I hope they understand that I really understand<br>That they don't understand" ** -'''GHOST!''' *"I know what it feels like to have a broken nose. And ain't nobody hit you in it. It's really cause that shit that you snorted and put all in it. That time you thought I was finished no I just experimented and it helped me adjust and be ok, with being demented" ** -'''Burn Baby Burn''' ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cudi, Kid}} [[Category:Rappers from the United States]] [[Category:1984 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:Record producers from the United States]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Musicians from the United States]] [[Category:Composers from the United States]] [[Category:People from Cleveland]] [[Category:Actors from the United States]] bugaiudew63s3x7pw4ktza7efgo4bpe 3157986 3157985 2022-08-25T23:01:17Z 2001:8F8:1B2F:AB8A:18F7:1861:80E:5773 wikitext text/x-wiki The Prayer]]][[File:Kidcudi (300dpi).jpg |thumb|right|I know it's easy to imagine but its easier to just "do"]] '''[[w:Kid Cudi|Scott Ramon Seguro Mescudi]]''' (born [[30 January]] [[1984]]), better known by his stage name '''Kid Cudi''', (often stylized as '''KiD CuDi'''), is an [[w:United States|American]] [[w:hip hop music|hip hop]] recording artist and the lead singer, and guitarist of the [[w:alternative rock|alternative rock]] band, [[w:WZRD (band)|WZRD]]. ==Music== **-('''[[w:A Kid Named Cudi|A Kid Named Cudi]], [[w:Man on the Moon: The End of Day|Man on the Moon: The End of Day]], [[w:Man on the Moon II: The Legend of Mr. Rager|Man on the Moon II: The Legend of Mr. Rager]] and [[w:Indicud|Indicud]])''' *"Salutations my niggas, I'm aware that I'm different, you can still keep it hood while you're smoking just listen, it don't matter your race<br>just take a blunt to the face" **- <a href="https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/kid-cudi/dat-new-new.html">Dat New New</a> *"Blood sweat and tears homie I'm made of it" **-'''Dat New New''' *"I never gave a fuck, I never gave a fuck what niggas thought about me. I mean, I did, but like fuck it. You know what I'm sayin'?" **-'''Man on the Moon (The Anthem)''' *"I know it's easy to imagine but its easier to just "do"<br>If you can't "do" what you imagine<br>then what is imagination to you?" **-'''Enter Galactic''' *"Cause day and night, the lonely stoner seems to free his mind at night, he's all alone through the day and night, the lonely loner seems to free his mind at night" **-'''Day 'n' Night''' *"And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take but please don't cry, just know that I have made these songs for you, and if I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take cause I'm ready for a funeral" **-'''The Prayer''' *"This is my story, this is my song If you feel it, muthafucka, you can't go wrong to the screw-face niggaz, whatch you on? Get off that, get a goal and focus dawg" **-'''Down and Out''' *"For even in hell, I still have faith to one day be free with my father at the gates but make no mistakes, I'll show you what time takes<br>to be a success on earth, mixed with all the hate" **-'''Down and Out''' *"I've got some issues that nobody can see and all of these emotions are pouring out of me I bring them to the light for you it's only right" **- '''Soundtrack 2 My Life''' *"if I fall if I die know I lived it to the fullest, if I fall if I die know I lived and missed some bullets" **-'''Pursuit of Happiness''' *"you don't really care about the trials of tomorrow, rather lay awake in a bed full of sorrow" **-'''Pursuit of Happiness''' *"You can’t, can’t be, where I,I be Follow me and you’ll see and you’ll see." ** -'''Follow Me''' *"No I'm not no loser, I'll see you in Hell." ** -'''Heart of a Lion''' *"Can't we just all get a bong and tag along." ** -'''Hyyerr''' *"Birds seen flying around, you never see them too long on the ground, You want to be one of them..." ** -'''Mr. Rager''' *"I hope they understand that I really understand<br>That they don't understand" ** -'''GHOST!''' *"I know what it feels like to have a broken nose. And ain't nobody hit you in it. It's really cause that shit that you snorted and put all in it. That time you thought I was finished no I just experimented and it helped me adjust and be ok, with being demented" ** -'''Burn Baby Burn''' ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cudi, Kid}} [[Category:Rappers from the United States]] [[Category:1984 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:Record producers from the United States]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Musicians from the United States]] [[Category:Composers from the United States]] [[Category:People from Cleveland]] [[Category:Actors from the United States]] imqe9i3kusur23dvt9kc6xtrf2iw49m 3157988 3157986 2022-08-25T23:02:23Z 2001:8F8:1B2F:AB8A:18F7:1861:80E:5773 wikitext text/x-wiki The Prayer]]][[File:Kidcudi (300dpi).jpg |thumb|right|I know it's easy to imagine but its easier to just "do"]] '''[[w:Kid Cudi|Scott Ramon Seguro Mescudi]]''' (born [[30 January]] [[1984]]), better known by his stage name '''Kid Cudi''', (often stylized as '''KiD CuDi'''), is an [[w:United States|American]] [[w:hip hop music|hip hop]] recording artist and the lead singer, and guitarist of the [[w:alternative rock|alternative rock]] band, [[w:WZRD (band)|WZRD]]. ==Music== **-('''[[w:A Kid Named Cudi|A Kid Named Cudi]], [[w:Man on the Moon: The End of Day|Man on the Moon: The End of Day]], [[w:Man on the Moon II: The Legend of Mr. Rager|Man on the Moon II: The Legend of Mr. Rager]] and [[w:Indicud|Indicud]])''' *"Salutations my niggas, I'm aware that I'm different, you can still keep it hood while you're smoking just listen, it don't matter your race<br>just take a blunt to the face" **- '''Dat New New''' *"Blood sweat and tears homie I'm made of it" **-'''Dat New New''' *"I never gave a fuck, I never gave a fuck what niggas thought about me. I mean, I did, but like fuck it. You know what I'm sayin'?" **-'''Man on the Moon (The Anthem)''' *"I know it's easy to imagine but its easier to just "do"<br>If you can't "do" what you imagine<br>then what is imagination to you?" **-'''Enter Galactic''' *"Cause day and night, the lonely stoner seems to free his mind at night, he's all alone through the day and night, the lonely loner seems to free his mind at night" **-'''Day 'n' Night''' *"And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take but please don't cry, just know that I have made these songs for you, and if I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take cause I'm ready for a funeral" **-'''The Prayer''' *"This is my story, this is my song If you feel it, muthafucka, you can't go wrong to the screw-face niggaz, whatch you on? Get off that, get a goal and focus dawg" **-'''Down and Out''' *"For even in hell, I still have faith to one day be free with my father at the gates but make no mistakes, I'll show you what time takes<br>to be a success on earth, mixed with all the hate" **-'''Down and Out''' *"I've got some issues that nobody can see and all of these emotions are pouring out of me I bring them to the light for you it's only right" **- '''Soundtrack 2 My Life''' *"if I fall if I die know I lived it to the fullest, if I fall if I die know I lived and missed some bullets" **-'''Pursuit of Happiness''' *"you don't really care about the trials of tomorrow, rather lay awake in a bed full of sorrow" **-'''Pursuit of Happiness''' *"You can’t, can’t be, where I,I be Follow me and you’ll see and you’ll see." ** -'''Follow Me''' *"No I'm not no loser, I'll see you in Hell." ** -'''Heart of a Lion''' *"Can't we just all get a bong and tag along." ** -'''Hyyerr''' *"Birds seen flying around, you never see them too long on the ground, You want to be one of them..." ** -'''Mr. Rager''' *"I hope they understand that I really understand<br>That they don't understand" ** -'''GHOST!''' *"I know what it feels like to have a broken nose. And ain't nobody hit you in it. It's really cause that shit that you snorted and put all in it. That time you thought I was finished no I just experimented and it helped me adjust and be ok, with being demented" ** -'''Burn Baby Burn''' ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cudi, Kid}} [[Category:Rappers from the United States]] [[Category:1984 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:Record producers from the United States]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Musicians from the United States]] [[Category:Composers from the United States]] [[Category:People from Cleveland]] [[Category:Actors from the United States]] 4ymx9inim8kf1ywacxograi2sex39pb 3157990 3157988 2022-08-25T23:06:24Z 2001:8F8:1B2F:AB8A:18F7:1861:80E:5773 wikitext text/x-wiki The Prayer]]][[File:Kidcudi (300dpi).jpg |thumb|right|I know it's easy to imagine but its easier to just "do"]] '''[[w:Kid Cudi|Scott Ramon Seguro Mescudi]]''' (born [[30 January]] [[1984]]), better known by his stage name '''Kid Cudi''', (often stylized as '''KiD CuDi'''), is an [[w:United States|American]] [[w:hip hop music|hip hop]] recording artist and the lead singer, and guitarist of the [[w:alternative rock|alternative rock]] band, [[w:WZRD (band)|WZRD]]. ==Music== **-('''[[w:A Kid Named Cudi|A Kid Named Cudi]], [[w:Man on the Moon: The End of Day|Man on the Moon: The End of Day]], [[w:Man on the Moon II: The Legend of Mr. Rager|Man on the Moon II: The Legend of Mr. Rager]] and [[w:Indicud|Indicud]])''' *"Salutations my niggas, I'm aware that I'm different, you can still keep it hood while you're smoking just listen, it don't matter your race<br>just take a blunt to the face" **- '''Dat New New''' *"Blood sweat and tears homie I'm made of it" **-[https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/kid-cudi/dat-new-new.html Dat New New] *"I never gave a fuck, I never gave a fuck what niggas thought about me. I mean, I did, but like fuck it. You know what I'm sayin'?" **-'''Man on the Moon (The Anthem)''' *"I know it's easy to imagine but its easier to just "do"<br>If you can't "do" what you imagine<br>then what is imagination to you?" **-'''Enter Galactic''' *"Cause day and night, the lonely stoner seems to free his mind at night, he's all alone through the day and night, the lonely loner seems to free his mind at night" **-'''Day 'n' Night''' *"And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take but please don't cry, just know that I have made these songs for you, and if I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take cause I'm ready for a funeral" **-'''The Prayer''' *"This is my story, this is my song If you feel it, muthafucka, you can't go wrong to the screw-face niggaz, whatch you on? Get off that, get a goal and focus dawg" **-'''Down and Out''' *"For even in hell, I still have faith to one day be free with my father at the gates but make no mistakes, I'll show you what time takes<br>to be a success on earth, mixed with all the hate" **-'''Down and Out''' *"I've got some issues that nobody can see and all of these emotions are pouring out of me I bring them to the light for you it's only right" **- '''Soundtrack 2 My Life''' *"if I fall if I die know I lived it to the fullest, if I fall if I die know I lived and missed some bullets" **-'''Pursuit of Happiness''' *"you don't really care about the trials of tomorrow, rather lay awake in a bed full of sorrow" **-'''Pursuit of Happiness''' *"You can’t, can’t be, where I,I be Follow me and you’ll see and you’ll see." ** -'''Follow Me''' *"No I'm not no loser, I'll see you in Hell." ** -'''Heart of a Lion''' *"Can't we just all get a bong and tag along." ** -'''Hyyerr''' *"Birds seen flying around, you never see them too long on the ground, You want to be one of them..." ** -'''Mr. Rager''' *"I hope they understand that I really understand<br>That they don't understand" ** -'''GHOST!''' *"I know what it feels like to have a broken nose. And ain't nobody hit you in it. It's really cause that shit that you snorted and put all in it. That time you thought I was finished no I just experimented and it helped me adjust and be ok, with being demented" ** -'''Burn Baby Burn''' ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cudi, Kid}} [[Category:Rappers from the United States]] [[Category:1984 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:Record producers from the United States]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Musicians from the United States]] [[Category:Composers from the United States]] [[Category:People from Cleveland]] [[Category:Actors from the United States]] ldz19txt8y5ao44b4tmtuk05vfpff5d 3157991 3157990 2022-08-25T23:07:43Z 2001:8F8:1B2F:AB8A:18F7:1861:80E:5773 wikitext text/x-wiki The Prayer]]][[File:Kidcudi (300dpi).jpg |thumb|right|I know it's easy to imagine but its easier to just "do"]] '''[[w:Kid Cudi|Scott Ramon Seguro Mescudi]]''' (born [[30 January]] [[1984]]), better known by his stage name '''Kid Cudi''', (often stylized as '''KiD CuDi'''), is an [[w:United States|American]] [[w:hip hop music|hip hop]] recording artist and the lead singer, and guitarist of the [[w:alternative rock|alternative rock]] band, [[w:WZRD (band)|WZRD]]. ==Music== **-('''[[w:A Kid Named Cudi|A Kid Named Cudi]], [[w:Man on the Moon: The End of Day|Man on the Moon: The End of Day]], [[w:Man on the Moon II: The Legend of Mr. Rager|Man on the Moon II: The Legend of Mr. Rager]] and [[w:Indicud|Indicud]])''' *"Salutations my niggas, I'm aware that I'm different, you can still keep it hood while you're smoking just listen, it don't matter your race<br>just take a blunt to the face" **- '''Dat New New''' *"Blood sweat and tears homie I'm made of it" **-[https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/kid-cudi/dat-new-new.html Dat New New] *"I never gave a fuck, I never gave a fuck what niggas thought about me. I mean, I did, but like fuck it. You know what I'm sayin'?" **-'''Man on the Moon (The Anthem)''' *"I know it's easy to imagine but its easier to just "do"<br>If you can't "do" what you imagine<br>then what is imagination to you?" **-'''Enter Galactic''' *"Cause day and night, the lonely stoner seems to free his mind at night, he's all alone through the day and night, the lonely loner seems to free his mind at night" **-'''Day 'n' Night''' *"And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take but please don't cry, just know that I have made these songs for you, and if I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take cause I'm ready for a funeral" **-[https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/kid-cudi/the-prayer.html The Prayer] *"This is my story, this is my song If you feel it, muthafucka, you can't go wrong to the screw-face niggaz, whatch you on? Get off that, get a goal and focus dawg" **-'''Down and Out''' *"For even in hell, I still have faith to one day be free with my father at the gates but make no mistakes, I'll show you what time takes<br>to be a success on earth, mixed with all the hate" **-'''Down and Out''' *"I've got some issues that nobody can see and all of these emotions are pouring out of me I bring them to the light for you it's only right" **- '''Soundtrack 2 My Life''' *"if I fall if I die know I lived it to the fullest, if I fall if I die know I lived and missed some bullets" **-'''Pursuit of Happiness''' *"you don't really care about the trials of tomorrow, rather lay awake in a bed full of sorrow" **-'''Pursuit of Happiness''' *"You can’t, can’t be, where I,I be Follow me and you’ll see and you’ll see." ** -'''Follow Me''' *"No I'm not no loser, I'll see you in Hell." ** -'''Heart of a Lion''' *"Can't we just all get a bong and tag along." ** -'''Hyyerr''' *"Birds seen flying around, you never see them too long on the ground, You want to be one of them..." ** -'''Mr. Rager''' *"I hope they understand that I really understand<br>That they don't understand" ** -'''GHOST!''' *"I know what it feels like to have a broken nose. And ain't nobody hit you in it. It's really cause that shit that you snorted and put all in it. That time you thought I was finished no I just experimented and it helped me adjust and be ok, with being demented" ** -'''Burn Baby Burn''' ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cudi, Kid}} [[Category:Rappers from the United States]] [[Category:1984 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:Record producers from the United States]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Musicians from the United States]] [[Category:Composers from the United States]] [[Category:People from Cleveland]] [[Category:Actors from the United States]] nj11201dt32mmmnscqvxxa38cnglr6h 3158093 3157991 2022-08-26T06:43:22Z Spinoziano 304780 rb wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Kidcudi (300dpi).jpg |thumb|right|I know it's easy to imagine but its easier to just "do"]] '''[[w:Kid Cudi|Scott Ramon Seguro Mescudi]]''' (born [[30 January]] [[1984]]), better known by his stage name '''Kid Cudi''', (often stylized as '''KiD CuDi'''), is an [[w:United States|American]] [[w:hip hop music|hip hop]] recording artist and the lead singer, and guitarist of the [[w:alternative rock|alternative rock]] band, [[w:WZRD (band)|WZRD]]. ==Music== **-('''[[w:A Kid Named Cudi|A Kid Named Cudi]], [[w:Man on the Moon: The End of Day|Man on the Moon: The End of Day]], [[w:Man on the Moon II: The Legend of Mr. Rager|Man on the Moon II: The Legend of Mr. Rager]] and [[w:Indicud|Indicud]])''' *"Salutations my niggas, I'm aware that I'm different, you can still keep it hood while you're smoking just listen, it don't matter your race<br>just take a blunt to the face" **-'''Dat New New''' *"Blood sweat and tears homie I'm made of it" **-'''Dat New New''' *"I never gave a fuck, I never gave a fuck what niggas thought about me. I mean, I did, but like fuck it. You know what I'm sayin'?" **-'''Man on the Moon (The Anthem)''' *"I know it's easy to imagine but its easier to just "do"<br>If you can't "do" what you imagine<br>then what is imagination to you?" **-'''Enter Galactic''' *"Cause day and night, the lonely stoner seems to free his mind at night, he's all alone through the day and night, the lonely loner seems to free his mind at night" **-'''Day 'n' Night''' *"And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take but please don't cry, just know that I have made these songs for you, and if I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take cause I'm ready for a funeral" **-'''The Prayer''' *"This is my story, this is my song If you feel it, muthafucka, you can't go wrong to the screw-face niggaz, whatch you on? Get off that, get a goal and focus dawg" **-'''Down and Out''' *"For even in hell, I still have faith to one day be free with my father at the gates but make no mistakes, I'll show you what time takes<br>to be a success on earth, mixed with all the hate" **-'''Down and Out''' *"I've got some issues that nobody can see and all of these emotions are pouring out of me I bring them to the light for you it's only right" **- '''Soundtrack 2 My Life''' *"if I fall if I die know I lived it to the fullest, if I fall if I die know I lived and missed some bullets" **-'''Pursuit of Happiness''' *"you don't really care about the trials of tomorrow, rather lay awake in a bed full of sorrow" **-'''Pursuit of Happiness''' *"You can’t, can’t be, where I,I be Follow me and you’ll see and you’ll see." ** -'''Follow Me''' *"No I'm not no loser, I'll see you in Hell." ** -'''Heart of a Lion''' *"Can't we just all get a bong and tag along." ** -'''Hyyerr''' *"Birds seen flying around, you never see them too long on the ground, You want to be one of them..." ** -'''Mr. Rager''' *"I hope they understand that I really understand<br>That they don't understand" ** -'''GHOST!''' *"I know what it feels like to have a broken nose. And ain't nobody hit you in it. It's really cause that shit that you snorted and put all in it. That time you thought I was finished no I just experimented and it helped me adjust and be ok, with being demented" ** -'''Burn Baby Burn''' ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cudi, Kid}} [[Category:Rappers from the United States]] [[Category:1984 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:Record producers from the United States]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Musicians from the United States]] [[Category:Composers from the United States]] [[Category:People from Cleveland]] [[Category:Actors from the United States]] hsb7axz11r1r1q71iyhew487doj7o6a 0 109849 3158109 3150605 2022-08-26T10:42:27Z 60.227.148.30 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Flushed Away|Flushed Away]]''''' is a [[w:2006 in film|2006]] CGI-animated film about an uptown pet mouse who gets flushed down the toilet from his London apartment, down into the drains of London, where he has to learn a whole new and different way of life. :''Directed by [[w:David Bowers|David Bowers]] and [[w:Sam Fell|Sam Fell]]. Written by [[w:Dick Clement|Dick Clement]], [[w:Ian La Frenais|Ian La Frenais]], [[w:Christopher Lloyd (TV producer)|Chris Lloyd]], [[w:Joe Keenan (writer)|Joe Keenan]] and [[w:William Davies (screenwriter)|William Davies]]. Story by Sam Fell, [[w:Peter Lord|Peter Lord]], Dick Clement and Ian La Frenais'' {{center|'''Someone's Going Down.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}} ==Dialogue== :'''Toad''': Perhaps you forget that it was a rat who cast me from paradise! :'''Le Frog''': ''[Rolling his eyes]'' Oh please not the scrapbook again. :'''Toad''': ''[pulls a book off a shelf]'' My memoirs. Volume one details the dire and tragic story of my youth. :'''Le Frog''': Oh, mon-dieu. :'''Toad''': Of all the pets in [[w:Buckingham Palace|Buckingham Palace]], young [[Prince Charles]] fancied me the best. We would frolic day after sunny day in royal abandon sharing that sweet and magical bond between boy and toad. :'''Le Frog''': You're going to make me throw up. :'''Toad''': We were inseparable until... it arrived. That rat! While the poor boy's head was turned, I was cruelly plunged into a whirlpool of despair. ''[begins to cry]'' :'''Le Frog''': I know, I know. You were flushed away down the loo right? ''[drinks some wine, then spits it out. Exclaims in disgust after reading the label ''British Bliss Wine'']'' Boo hoo-hoo, it is so dark, so cold, so terrible. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Toad''': You find my pain funny? :'''Le Frog''': I find everyone's pain funny but my own. I'm French. ''[chuckles nervously]'' :'''Toad''': ''[stands up and knocks over a table]'' Just get the cable! <hr width="50%"/> :''[first lines]'' :'''Mother''': ''[car honking]'' Car's here! :'''Father''': It's 9:00 already! We're going to miss our flight! :'''Mother''': Traveller's checks, passports. :'''Father''': You have the tickets, darling? :'''Mother''': Tabitha, did you feed Roddy? :'''Tabitha''': Oops. :'''Mother''': ''[off-screen]'' I know we've forgotten something. I just know we've forgotten something! :'''Tabitha''': Roddy, where are you? ''[spilling in food]'' We'll be back in a few days, so here's enough food for you. Here's a more. :'''Mother''': ''[off-screen]'' Tabitha! :'''Tabitha''': Here's a little more. :'''Mother''': ''[off-screen]'' I hope you're not overfeeding him. :'''Tabitha''': Of course not, Mum. :'''Father''': ''[off-screen]'' Come on, Tabitha! :'''Tabitha''': Bye, Roddy! :'''Father''': ''[off-screen]'' We don't want to miss our holiday. :'''Tabitha''': I'm coming, I'm coming! ''[runs out of the house and closes the door]'' :'''Roddy''': ''[sniffs]'' When the cat's away, the mice will play! The holiday starts now, everyone! Music, maestro. ''[presses a button on a radio and "Dancing with Myself" plays]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tadpole''': Is this the glorious amphibian dawn, dad? :'''Toad''': Anything for you, my little man. :'''Tadpole''': Can I have a pony? :'''Toad''': No. :'''Tadpole''': A puppy? :'''Toad''': We'll talk about it. :'''Tadpole''': Can we talk about it now? :'''Toad''': No! :''[his tadpoles in the tank start clamoring for a puppy]'' :'''The Toad''': No! You can't all have puppies, please! Daddy's working! <hr width="50%"> :'''Liam''': He's gonna steal your boat. :'''Rita''': He won't steal my boat. :'''Liam''': He's stealing your boat. :'''Rita''': He isn't stealing... :'''Liam''': He stole your boat. :'''Rita''': What? :'''Liam''': He's like [[Robin Hood]] in reverse. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Roddy''': Whatever's going on, I assure you, I'm not involved. I'm just an innocent bystander. :'''Spike''': Rita, Rita, Rita. ''[laughs]'' Thought you could give us the slip? ''[Slips and falls]'' What are you looking at? Keep still! Come on, then! Right! Who have we got here? :'''Whitey''': I believe he said his name was Millicent Bystander. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rita''': Tell me about yourself, Roddy. :'''Roddy''': Well, there's not much to tell. :'''Rita''': You know everything about me, warts and all. I don't even know what you do. :'''Roddy''': I'm... I'm in a boy band. :'''Rita''': What? :'''Roddy''': Yeah. Yeah, I'm the posh one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Roddy''': Will you please tell these people I'm not involved in this? :'''Rita''': Fine. All right, all right, listen up. This gentleman, he's not from around here. :'''Roddy''': Thank you. :'''Rita''': Just look how nicely he's dressed. :'''Roddy''': Ah, thank you. :'''Rita''': And why? Because he's an international jewel thief! :'''Roddy''': Precisely... What? No! No, no! No! No! Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no, no! No! ''[sobbing]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sid''': Be seeing you my friend. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Le Frog''': We leave immediately! :'''Henchfrog''': What about dinner? :'''Le Frog''': We leave... in five hours. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Spike''': Blimy, it's cold. :'''Whitey''': That's why I wore me mittens. :'''Spike''': Wha... Hitmen don't wear mittens! Take them off! You're embarrassing me! :'''Whitey''': It's all right for you. You've got little hands. They don't freeze as much. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rita''': What are you, some kind of rat boomerang?! Give me back my ruby! :'''Roddy''': I haven't got your ruby! ''[the ruby falls on Roddy's hand, Rita gasps]'' Okay. Well, now I've got your ruby. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! :'''Rita''': Please be careful! That ruby means a lot to me. It's priceless! :'''Roddy''': Hold on... ''[looks at the ruby]'' It's a fake. :'''Rita''': Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! No, it's blooming not. It's real! :'''Roddy''': No, no, no, look. It's..it’s..it's just glass. It's fake. :'''Rita''': It's real! No, it's not! :'''Roddy''': Fake. :'''Rita''': Real! :'''Roddy''': Fake. :'''Rita''': Real! :'''Roddy''': Fake. ''[short pause 2]'' :'''Rita''': Real! :'''Roddy''': Fake. :'''Rita''': Real! :'''Roddy''': Fake. :'''Rita''': Real! :'''Roddy''': Fake. :'''Rita''': Real! :'''Roddy''': Fake. :'''Rita''': Real! :'''Roddy''': Fake. :'''Rita''': Real! :'''Roddy''': Look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look. You can tell. Watch this. ''[breaks the ruby; Rita gasps in shock, as they watch the ruby pieces sink in the water]'' There, you see? I mean, you can't break a real ruby. ''[Rita growls furiously as she looks at him]'' Ah, right. I probably shouldn't have done that, but look on the bright side, I saved your neck. I mean, once the Toad knows it's worthless, he'll stop chasing you for it. Roddy St. James saves the day! ''[Rita punches him, and he tumbles into the bottom of the boat]'' Good grief! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Toad''': Where are those idiots? ''[to his tadpoles]'' It's so hard to get hope these days, my boys. Yes, that's right. ''[The Toad speaks in a baby voice]'' Oh, come on out, my lovelies. Cheer your old dad up. Poor Daddy, surrounded by flithy rats in this joyless, sunless void! But don't worry, my little men. Daddy will get rid of them all! He will. They'll all be deady-weady. ''[The Toad kisses the jar, and his tadpoles hug their daddy from inside. Spike and Whitey arrive. The Toad hides his jar, but still has his baby voice.]'' Did you find it? :'''Spike''': Eh? :'''Toad''': ''[snaps out of it]'' Ah, no! Did you find it? :'''Spike''': Well, we got most of it, boss. ''[he and Whitey show the toad pieces of the ruby. The Toad slaps it out of their hands]'' :'''Toad''': Forget the ruby! It's the master cable that I want. The one that grubby creature Rita took. :'''Spike and Whitey''': Oh, no! :'''Toad''': Without it, my plan is ruined! :'''Spike''': Okay, chief. Forget the ruby. Ruby's gone. See? See? Moving on. We are now your cable guys. :'''Whitey''': Focused. Cable-centric, boss. :'''Toad''': You need to be back in time for the World Cup Final. :'''Spike''': Oh, great! Are we watching the game together, boss? :''[the toad grows angry; cut to outside his office; Spike and Whitey get thrown through a glass window]'' :'''Toad''': Just get the cable! :''[Spike screams]'' :'''Whitey''': Keep your legs straight! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Whitey''': Are you sure about this, Spike? These things are dangerous. :'''Spike''': Danger is my middle name! :'''Whitey''': I thought it was Lesley. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Whitey''': Oh, I love a happy ending. :'''Spike''': Oh, you've gone soft. I like unhappy endings, with lots of violence. :''[A champagne bottle hits away Spike and press him against the wall]'' :'''Whitey''': Are you happy now, Spike? ==Cast== * [[Hugh Jackman]] as Roddy St. James * [[Kate Winslet]] as Rita Malone * [[w:Shane Richie|Shane Richie]] as Sid * [[w:Ian McKellen|Ian McKellen]] as Toad * [[w:Andy Serkis|Andy Serkis]] as Spike * [[w:Bill Nighy|Bill Nighy]] as Whitey * [[w:Jean Reno|Jean Reno]] as Le Frog * [[w:Miriam Margolyes|Miriam Margolyes]] as Rita's Grandmother * [[David Suchet]] as Rita's Dad * [[Kathy Burke]] as Rita's Mom ==External links== {{wikipedia}} *{{IMDb title|0424095}} *{{Amg movie|319319}} *{{Rotten-tomatoes|id=flushed_away}} [[Category:2006 films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:British animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated action films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:Films about rats]] [[Category:Films set in London]] hkb79c6m6vv8ko31fytlc4t0zn0cg48 0 112981 3157864 3123903 2022-08-25T15:48:36Z 2A02:C7E:2BC8:400:B18A:7A0D:408D:A7F0 Everything is an interpolation problem if you have enough data wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:John Carmack E3 2006.jpg|thumb|right|John D. Carmack]] '''[[w:John D. Carmack|John D. Carmack II]]''' (born [[August 20]], [[1970]]) is an American [[w:computer programmer|computer programmer]] and [[w:video game developer|video game developer]]. He co-founded the video game company [[w:id Software|id Software]] and was the lead programmer of its 1990s games ''[[w:Commander Keen|Commander Keen]]'', ''[[w:Wolfenstein 3D|Wolfenstein 3D]]'', ''[[w:Doom (1993 video game)|Doom]]'', ''[[w:Quake (video game)|Quake]]'', and their sequels. Carmack made innovations in [[w:3D computer graphics|3D computer graphics]], such as his [[w:Carmack's Reverse|Carmack's Reverse]] algorithm for [[w:shadow volume|shadow volume]]s. In 2013, he resigned from id to work full-time at [[w:Oculus VR|Oculus VR]], where he served as [[w:Chief technology officer|CTO]] and later Consulting CTO in 2019. == Quotes == * I think a lot of people may take some heart from this: a lot of the math, the heavy math in projective geometry, [...] took me a long time. There were many many years, a decade, when I was considered this graphics guru genius, when I really couldn't do from scratch [...] the mathematics that underpins a lot of that. But slowly, eventually, with a couple decades of experience, most of it did eventually sink in on me. ** Speaking about mathematics in engineering, Quoted in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dSCBCk4xVa0&t=1271s] * Everything is an [[interpolation]] problem if you have enough data ** Speaking about artificial general intelligence, quoted in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I845O57ZSy4?t=15379] * In the [[information age]], the barriers [to entry into programming] just aren't there. The barriers are self imposed. If you want to set off and go develop some grand new thing, you don't need millions of dollars of capitalization. You need enough pizza and Diet Coke to stick in your refrigerator, a cheap PC to work on, and the dedication to go through with it. We slept on floors. We waded across rivers. ** Quoted in David Kushner, ''[[wikipedia:Masters of Doom: How Two Guys Created an Empire and Transformed Pop Culture|Masters of Doom: How Two Guys Created an Empire and Transformed Pop Culture]]'' Chapter 16, p. 292. * These are things I find enchanting and miraculous. I don’t have to be at the Grand Canyon to appreciate the way the world works, I can see that in reflections of light in my bathroom." ** Referring to how he, after many years immersed in the science of graphics, had gained a stronger appreciation of the real world instead of getting detached from it, as he would see a few bars of light on the wall and think, Hey, that’s a diffuse specular reflection from the overhead lights reflected off the faucet, Quoted in David Kushner, ''[[wikipedia:Masters of Doom: How Two Guys Created an Empire and Transformed Pop Culture|Masters of Doom: How Two Guys Created an Empire and Transformed Pop Culture]]'' Epilogue, p. 234. * Nvidia's OpenGL drivers are my 'gold standard', and it has been quite a while since I have had to report a problem to them, and even their brand new extensions work as documented the first time I try them. When I have a problem on an Nvidia, I assume that it is my fault. With anyone else's drivers, I assume it is their fault. ** Quoted in Thomas McGuire, [https://www.techspot.com/extras/old-articles/reviews/hardware/3dblaster_ti4400/ti4400-5.shtml Creative 3D Blaster GeForce4 Ti4400 review] ''TechSpot'' * The situation is so much better for programmers today - a cheap used PC, a linux CD, and an internet account, and you have all the tools necessary to work your way to any level of programming skill you want to shoot for. ** Quoted in David Kushner, ''[[wikipedia:Masters of Doom: How Two Guys Created an Empire and Transformed Pop Culture|Masters of Doom: How Two Guys Created an Empire and Transformed Pop Culture]]'' Chapter 14, p. 254. * The speed of light sucks. ** Referring to network latency limitations, Quoted in [http://www.biographybase.com/biography/Carmack_John.html John Carmack Biography]. * I'm good? Seriously? ** Quoted in [http://www.biographybase.com/biography/Carmack_John.html John Carmack Biography]. * It's nice to have a game that sells a million copies. ** Quoted in [http://www.biographybase.com/biography/Carmack_John.html John Carmack Biography]. * It's done, when it's done. ** Referring to Doom 3, Quoted in [http://www.biographybase.com/biography/Carmack_John.html John Carmack Biography]. * It's a good thing Doom 3 is selling very well... ** Having destroyed a rocket test vehicle worth $35,000 USD, Quoted in [http://www.biographybase.com/biography/Carmack_John.html John Carmack Biography]. * [A]t its best, entertainment is going to be a subjective thing that can't win for everyone, while at worst, a particular game just becomes a random symbol for petty tribal behavior. **Quoted in [http://www.biographybase.com/biography/Carmack_John.html John Carmack Biography]. * Story in a game is like a story in a porn movie. It's expected to be there, but it's not that important. ** Quoted in David Kushner, ''[[wikipedia:Masters of Doom: How Two Guys Created an Empire and Transformed Pop Culture|Masters of Doom: How Two Guys Created an Empire and Transformed Pop Culture]]'' Chapter 8, p. 120. * Personally, I’ve always been of the sleek and minimalist design school: make sure the core play is consistent and strong, then let that idea play out against different environments and challenges, this tends toward focusing on bio-mechanical twitch responses, audio-visual awe, and leaning more toward general strategy and tactics development over specific puzzle solving. **Quoted in Brad Cook, [http://www.apple.com/games/articles/2009/02/johncarmack/ "John Carmack: Making the Magic Happen"] ''Apple.com'' * Sharing the code just seems like The Right Thing to Do, it costs us rather little, but it benefits a lot of people in sometimes very significant ways. There are many university research projects, proof of concept publisher demos, and new platform test beds that have leveraged the code. Free software that people value adds wealth to the world. **Quoted in Brad Cook, [http://www.apple.com/games/articles/2009/02/johncarmack/ "John Carmack: Making the Magic Happen"] ''Apple.com'' * Advances in technology won’t be as significant as they have been in the past, most games won’t be materially improved by simulating every drop of water in the pond you are wading through. More resources can be profitably spent to make the creation process easier. How things will play out with respect to connectivity and where the data resides and processing takes place is still a very interesting question. The overlap and convergence between desktop computers, consoles, laptops, handheld gaming devices, and cell phones is also interesting. It is all still quite exciting. **Quoted in Brad Cook, [http://www.apple.com/games/articles/2009/02/johncarmack/ "John Carmack: Making the Magic Happen"] ''Apple.com'' * Helping people directly can be a noble thing. Forcing other people to do it with great inefficiency? Not so much. There isn’t a single thing that I would petition the federal government to add to its task list, and I would ask that it stop doing the majority of the things that it is currently doing. My vote is going to the candidates that at least vector in that direction. **Quoted in [http://media.armadilloaerospace.com/misc/government.htm "John Carmack's Blog"] * The Escalation programmers come from a completely different background, and the codebase is all STL this, boost that, fill-up-the-property list, dispatch the event, and delegate that. I had been harboring some suspicions that our big codebases might benefit from the application of some more of the various “modern” C++ design patterns, despite seeing other large game codebases suffer under them. I have since recanted that suspicion. **Quoted in [http://www.bethblog.com/2010/10/29/john-carmack-discusses-rage-on-iphoneipadipod-touch/ "http://www.bethblog.com/"] * A large fraction of the flaws in software development are due to programmers not fully understanding all the possible states their code may execute in. **Quoted in [http://gamasutra.com/view/news/169296/Indepth_Functional_programming_in_C.php "Functional programming in C++"] * I was sort of an amoral little jerk when I was young. I was arrogant about being smarter than other people, but unhappy that I wasn't able to spend all my time doing what I wanted. I spent a year in a juvenile home for a first offense after an evaluation by a psychologist went very badly. **Quoted in [http://slashdot.org/games/99/10/15/1012230.shtml "John Carmack Answers"] ''Slashdot'' ([[1999-10-15]]) *Programming in the abstract sense is what I really enjoy. I enjoy lots of different areas of it... I'm taking a great deal of enjoyment writing device drivers for Linux. I could also be having a good time writing a database manager or something because there are always interesting problems. **Quoted in Bob Colayco, [http://www.firingsquad.com/features/carmack/page3.asp "John Carmack Interview"] ''Firing Squad''([[2000-02-09]]) * Note to self: Pasty-skinned programmers ought not stand in the Mojave desert for multiple hours. ** Quoted in [http://www.bluesnews.com/cgi-bin/finger.pl?id=1&time=20000515035055 John Carmack's .plan file] ([[2000-05-15]]) * The idea that I can be presented with a problem, set out to logically solve it with the tools at hand, and wind up with a program that could not be legally used because someone else followed the same logical steps some years ago and filed for a patent on it is horrifying. ** On software patents, Quoted in [http://web.archive.org/web/20010624154450/http://www.voodooextreme.com/games/interviews/carmack/ "John Carmack: Knee Deep in the Voodoo"] ''Voodoo Extreme''([[2000-11-11]]) * Focused, hard work is the real key to success. Keep your eyes on the goal, and just keep taking the next step towards completing it. If you aren't sure which way to do something, do it both ways and see which works better. **Quoted in [http://slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=25551&cid=2775698 "The Rise and Fall of Ion Storm"] ''Slashdot'' ([[2002-01-02]]) * Because of the nature of Moore's law, anything that an extremely clever graphics programmer can do at one point can be replicated by a merely competent programmer some number of years later. ** Quoted in Tom Ham, [http://archive.gamespy.com/interviews/april01/carmack/ "Interview: John Carmack"] ''gamespy.com'' (2004-01) * This is a bit more expensive than my previous turbo-Ferrari habit, but not too bad. ** On spending $2 million on building rockets, Quoted in [http://groups.google.com/group/sci.space.policy/msg/04e3682944fbcc74?hl=en "Carmack's Jet Vanes"] ([[2004-05-13]]) * The biggest problem is that Java is really slow. On a pure cpu / memory / display / communications level, most modern cell phones should be considerably better gaming platforms than a Game Boy Advanced. With Java, on most phones you are left with about the CPU power of an original 4.77 mhz IBM PC, and lousy control over everything. **Quoted in [http://armadilloaerospace.com/n.x/johnc/recent%20updates/archive?news_id=295 Cell phone adventures] John Carmack's Blog, March 27th, 2005 * The Xbox 360 is the first console that I've ever worked with that actually has development tools that are better for games than what we've had on PC. ** Quoted in Seth Schiesel, [http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9C0DE3DF1E30F935A35753C1A9639C8B63&sec=&spon=&pagewanted=all Microsoft Unveils Games For Its New Xbox 360] ''The New York Times'' ([[2005-10-06]]) * Honestly, I spend very little time thinking about past events, and I certainly don't have them ranked in any way. I look back and think that I have done a lot of good work over the years, but I am much more excited about what the future holds. ** When asked about the highlight of his career, Quoted in [http://archive.videogamesdaily.com/features/id_johncarmack_interview_jan05.asp "John Carmack Interview, January 2006"] ''Video Games Daily'' ([[2006-01-03]]) * But realistically, we don’t have that many problems at QuakeCon. If it was a football convention or something, there would probably be a lot more incidents. **Quoted in Billy Berghammer, [http://www.team5150.com/~andrew/carmack/johnc_interview_2007_CES_2007__John_Carmack_And_Todd_Hollenshead_Speak.html "CES 2007: John Carmack And Todd Hollenshead Speak"] ''Game Informer'' ([[2007-01-09]]) * When he was young, John Romero made a game for every letter of the alphabet. That was wise. **On getting into game design, [https://twitter.com/ID_AA_Carmack/status/80755403104854016 John Carmack on Twitter (June 14, 2011)] * I’m going to turn on every damn light in protest of Earth Hour. Lighting the darkness is fundamental to humanity's climb. **Posted on [https://web.archive.org/save/https://twitter.com/ID_AA_Carmack/status/185757996473790464 Twitter] ([[2012-03-30]]) * I do hear sometimes from programmers who are kind of sad that they don't have the opportunity to write game engines from scratch like I did and have it matter or make an impact...here's where some perspective really helps - I can remember when I was a teenager, I thought I had missed the Golden Age of 8-bit {{w|Apple 2}} gaming, that I was never going to be [[Richard Garriott]]...time went by, and I got to make my own marks in things after that. And, in that time, I also see so many opportunities that have come by. The 90s PC wave was great - I was happy to be there, and I'm glad I took a swing and knocked one out of the park with that. But since then, we've seen mobile games, and web games, and free-to-play games, the [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steam_(software) Steam] revolution...and now {{w|virtual reality}}. And all of these are amazing! So, yeah, the opportunities that I had aren't there for people today - but there are new and better ones. And personally, I'm more excited about these than anything that's come before. So, thank you very much for this honor, but I'm just getting started. ** BAFTA Fellowship acceptance speech, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fyjJrF2gJ34 "BAFTA Games Awards 2016"] *It is hard for less experienced developers to appreciate how rarely architecting for future requirements / applications turns out net-positive. **[https://twitter.com/id_aa_carmack/status/1405932642005041153 18 June 2021] == See also == *[[John Romero]] *[[Timothee Besset]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} *[http://www.armadilloaerospace.com/n.x/johnc/Recent%20Updates John Carmack's Blog] {{DEFAULTSORT:Carmack, John D.}} [[Category:Businesspeople from the United States]] [[Category:Video game developers]] [[Category:Programmers from the United States]] [[Category:Software engineers from the United States]] [[Category:Designers]] [[Category:Bloggers from the United States]] [[Category:Atheists from the United States]] [[Category:Libertarians from the United States]] [[Category:1970 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Kansas]] e8h2iz7lmydiagzd6d453c595hcr6uj 0 115117 3158074 2879943 2022-08-26T05:03:43Z Bicam3ralMind 2956799 /* Pilot [1.01] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Forgotten (TV series)|The Forgotten]]''''' (2009-2010) is an American crime drama that aired on ABC. It was about a group of people who were part of The Forgotten Network and helped identify John and Jane Does. == Season 1 == === ''Pilot'' [1.01] === :'''Jane Doe''': ''[addressing the viewing audience in voiceover]'' Look at them all. Heading to work, living their lives. All with a story to tell, all with a future. I was like them. I was like you. And then... then this happened to me. I was on my way somewhere. I had plans, dreams. I had people who loved me. I had a family. But now all I can is wait and hope the police will do all they can. I'm not waiting to be saved. It's too late for that. I'm waiting to be found. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lindsay''': So they explained you who we are, The Forgotten Network? :'''Tyler''': Judge said you are a victim's rights group and that I'm your best friend for the next 200 hours. :'''Lindsay''': We help identify John and Jane Does. A body is found with no wallet or anything, friends and family haven't come forward, the police have done what they can with the time they've had. But at this certain point, they have no choice, they have to move on to fresher cases. :'''Tyler''': You guys do this for free? :'''Lindsay''': Yeah, yeah, we're volunteers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tyler''': Did you like, lose someone or something? :'''Candace''': No, just my mind out of a day job that I hate. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jane Doe''': ''[addressing the viewing audience in voiceover]'' Jessica was a friend when I needed one the most. She helped me fit in. She taught me how it all worked. We had a million ideas about everything. We even talked about moving to L.A. together. But then I saw Mrs. Jecks, and I realized it was time to stop being Vivian. It was time to go home. I decided to tell Jessica the truth about who I was, where I was from. She was so angry. She said I'd ruined all our plans. She said she trusted me and I betrayed her. I got scared. I told her to stop the car. It was the last thing I ever said. === ''Diamond Jane'' [1.02] === :'''Jane Doe''': ''[addressing the viewing audience in voiceover]'' What if you could choose your family? Would you change things? Change them? Not me. I loved my family. I think that's the hardest part. Knowing I won't get to start a family of my own. That... and knowing I may never get home again. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alex''': What? :'''Det. Russell''': Nothing... I wish you could come with us. You were always good under pressure. :'''Alex''': I miss it too. I... This is what I do now <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jane Doe''': ''[voiceover]''I'm back now, back with the people who know me. Back because a different kind of family cared enough to bring me home. === ''Football John'' [1.03] === :'''John Doe''': ''[addressing the viewing audience in voiceover]'' What gives your life meaning? Gives you a reason to get out of bed in the morning, a sense of purpose? I thought I knew. I thought I had a purpose. And when I lost it, I lost myself. And then died, trying to get it back. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Walter''': Hey Alex, about the other day... I need this, you know. I just do. :'''Alex''': I know the feeling. :'''Walter''': So we're cool? :'''Alex''': Walter, if you tried to quit I would come after you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Candace''': OK, Walter, what's the deal? :'''Walter''': Nothing, I'm fine :''[pauses]'' I don't know. Tom just got me thinking I guess. Do you know he scored a touchdown in the '97 playoffs? Centers don't score, Candace. Tom Bryant did something amazing with his life and nobody cares. So what does that say about mine? <hr width="50%"/> :'''John Doe''': ''[voiceover]'' I lost the job that told me who I was. Lots of people are going through that these days. It makes you ask some tough questions. What am I here for? Where can I go to make a difference? But trust me, the answer is out there. You just gotta keep looking. I found my answer. My name is Tom Bryant. === ''Parachute Jane'' [1.04] === :'''Jane Doe''': ''[voiceover]'' Do you know why people hate to admit they're lonely? It's because when you do, everyone thinks something is wrong with you. They think 'I have people in my life, why don't you?' But the strange thing is, you can have people in your life and still be alone. No one knows that better than I do. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alex''': Russell thinks Lee's brother was involved in the murder. :'''Walter''': Yeah, but why would he kill his own sister? :'''Alex''': Good question. He's four years older, they don't live together, it doesn't even seem that their lives intersect. :'''Candace''': Yeah, but people has all kinds of baggage when it comes to siblings. :''[Lindsay, Tyler, Walter and Alex look at her]'' :'''Candace''': That was a general statement, I love my sister. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tyler''': So, where does you boss think you are right now? :'''Candace''': At an insurance seminar. Ever been to one? :'''Tyler''': No. :'''Candace''': Yeah, it's like being shot with a tranquilizer dart. :'''Tyler''': So, just pull it off. Are you worried they'll find out? :'''Candace''': Well, I mean, the seminar was on avoiding risks, so yeah, maybe I should've gone. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alex''': Well, Lindsay knows Northwestern pretty well, maybe she can help. :'''Det. Russell''': You know, I'm sure she can. :'''Alex''': What? :'''Det. Russell'''::''[embarrassed]'' Nothing. :'''Alex''': Nothing? I thought you liked Lindsay. :'''Det. Russell''': I think Lindsay is fine. :'''Alex''': You know what I think? I think maybe you're a little jealous. === ''River John'' [1.05] === :'''Henry Morse''': ''[voiceover]''Love can drive you to the darkest places. I went farther than I ever thought I could. I did things I couldn't ever imagine. But at some point, a guy like me, even with all the love in the world, the road ran out. I was just a regular man. A husband, a father. And maybe I won't be there to see her grow up. But at least I know the last words I ever said belong to her. My darling Claire, my sweet pea. My silly, sensitive, beautiful daughter. I love you. My name is Henry Morse. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Garza''': Henry and I got to be pretty close. I just wish there was more I could've done. He was in here every day. He was calm at first but then- :'''Alex''': The longer his daughter was missing the more agitated he got. He didn't believe you when you said your hands were tied. He didn't understand how you didn't have the same urgency he did or why you couldn't sense his pain. When he realized you couldn't help him he decided to go out on his own. :'''Det. Garza''': How did you know that? :'''Alex''': Because that is I said the day my daughter Lucy was kidnapped. She was my obsession. I was willing to do anything, go anywhere, trust anyone... I had to find her. :'''Det. Garza''': And did you? :''[Alex is silent]" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Alex just found the car they were looking for.]'' :'''Alex''': Grace! :'''Det. Russell''': How do you know? :'''Alex''': I did it myself for six months after I left the force. Chasing after leads, running into the dark. :'''Det. Russell''': Lucy? Your daughter? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Russell''':This is the first time you mention what you did when you were gone. :''[pauses]'' Why all the secrecy? I was your partner, Alex, I know how hard it was for you. :'''Alex''': Do you remember the guy I became after Lucy was kidnapped? :'''Det. Russell''': You mean the guy Chicago P.D. decided to ease into a half pension so he wouldn't screw anything else up? That guy is kindda hard to forget. :'''Alex''': Well, let's just say I got worse before I got better. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alex''': Greta? :'''Greta''': Hi :'''Alex''': I just wanted to stop by and thank you for your help. It was kind of a messy situation but I think it's going to be OK. :'''Greta''': You found her? :'''Alex''': We did. :'''Greta''': Good. :''[Alex holds Greta's hand]'' :'''Alex''': And I'll find our daughter, too. === ''Canine John'' [1.06] === === ''Railroad Jane'' [1.07] === === ''Prisoner Jane'' [1.08] === :'''Walter''': Where are you going? :'''Alex''': Scene of the crime. I want to know what Jane Doe was doing at that warehouse. :'''Walter''': Old habits die hard for cops, huh? :'''Jane Doe''': ''[voiceover]'' I thought getting a sun tattoo might brighten my mood, but... you can't paint over anguish. You have to swallow it, own it, then put it behind you and move on. And eventually, that's what I did. === ''Lucky John'' [1.09] === === ''Double Doe'' [1.10] === === ''Patient John'' [1.11] === === ''My John'' [1.12] === === ''Mama Jane'' [1.13] === === ''Train Jane'' [1.14] === === ''Donovan Doe'' [1.15] === :'''Alex''': Did BugZilla ever tell you if they saw anything in the woods? :'''Tyler''': I sent her a message, and she replied. She's willing to meet. :'''Walter''': How do you know it's a 'she'? :'''Maxine''': There are male ladybugs? :'''Walter''': It's sad and confusing for them, but they do exist. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tyler''': I set up a free user account on the Global Caching website. :'''Maxine''': SexyArtist83? :''[Candace and Tyler smile.]'' :'''Tyler''': That was taken. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Walter''': Awesome, six letters: :''[laughs]'' Walter! Check it out.:''[He hands Maxine his completed crossword puzzle.]'' :'''Maxine''': Ok, 'gerf' is not a word. :'''Walter''': Uh, it's pronounced 'jerf', and I had to improvise in a couple places.:''[ He pulls his puzzle from her hand.]'' :'''Maxine''': :''[getting papers from her bag]'' Here, I did the whole thing. :[handing her crossword to Walter] Correctly. And the Sudoku :''[placing it in front of Tyler]'' :'''Tyler''': Awesome, six letters: Maxine. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alex''': :''[explaining who the Forgotten Network are]'' They're my team. They're the people that helped me to find you and all the others. We figure out where they came from, what their stories are so their families can know, so the world can know, too. We have regular jobs most of the time, but this work, this mission, it's only just beginning. There's so much more to do, so many people who need our help. It defines us, compels us. Because it doesn't just tell us who they are, it tells us who we are. I guess most of all, they're my friends. === ''Designer Jane'' [1.16] === === ''Living Doe'' [1.17] === == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Forgotten, The}} [[Category:2000s American crime drama TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American crime drama TV shows]] [[Category:2000s American police procedural TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American police procedural TV shows]] [[Category:ABC shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] 8570eatbebtqqt26h58mly5kecjvjw2 0 119031 3158024 3102998 2022-08-26T00:20:31Z Dronebogus 3078761 wikitext text/x-wiki {{people-cleanup|2010-08-10}} [[File:Wesley Willis.jpg|thumb|Wesley Willis]] [[File:Wesley Willis Icon.jpg|thumb|Here's what I'm going to have to say to all of you. If some of you have demons in your head who talk to you in profanity or whatever, don't let your demon shoot down your rock music, don't let your demon keep you off the joy bus. So like I say, Rock music pays off.]] '''[[w:Wesley Willis|Wesley Willis]]''' ([[May 31]], [[1963]] – [[August 21]], [[2003]]) was a musician who did mostly solo work, but also worked with the punk rock band known as the [[w:Wesley Willis Fiasco|Wesley Willis Fiasco]]. His simple and unique style of music quickly gained him a cult following. He heavily praised Rock music and other artists who played in that genre. He was schizophrenic and was known to call rock his joyride. ==Quotes== *"Rock music pays off. Rock music takes me on a joyride. Rock music keeps me off the hell city bus. Rock music will always look out for me. But I will not let my torture profanity demon shoot it down." ** {{cite web|url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oPNfSekbTck |title=Interview with Howard Stern}} *"My demons talk to me in profanity. They think I'm a jerk. A bum. And an asshole. I just say they're a jerk, they're a bum, they're an asshole. They're no good. They better leave me alone and get off my case." ** {{cite web|url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2uRv8ZE_Tc&feature=related |title=Interview}} *"The music I love to play is Rock 'N Roll. I love to rock like a wild animal. I love to rock it well enough to whip a yak's ass. I love to whip it good on a horse's ass. I love to rock it real hard. I love to rock it all the way to Russia. I love to kick out the Jazz and kick it out all the way." ** {{cite web|url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsgzjE8B23o&feature=related |title=Rare High School Interview.}} *"Here's what I'm going to have to say to all of you. If some of you have demons in your head who talk to you in profanity or whatever, don't let your demon shoot down your rock music, don't let your demon keep you off the joy bus. So like I say, Rock music pays off." ** Spoken at the end of the Wesley Willis Live EP. ==Lyrics== *"Rock over London. Rock on Chicago." - '''Repeated at the end of most songs''' ===Song Lyrics=== === ''[[w:Spookydisharmoniousconflicthellride|Spookydisharmoniousconflicthellride]]'' (1996) === *Once upon a time I fucked a slut in the ass. She was all over my dick. I made her lick my dick off, then I turned around and rammed my big black dick back in her ass. / Say Ronald Reagan, what the fuck are you doing in my house? Get out of here right now, and don't you ever come back over here again! If you come back this way, I will shoulder the weapon and shoot the living shit out of you! **''I Can't Drive'' *Number 1. I'm gonna do this song again. Number 2. I'm gonna do this song again all the way up your ass. Number 3. I'm gonna fuck your ass up like in a car crash. Number 4. I'm gonna fuck you up like a goddamn accident. Number 5. Jesus is the answer! ** ''Jesus is the Answer'' *Before I got fat, I was slim / That was this time when I was eating McDonalds. **''I'm Sorry That I Got Fat (I Will Slim Down)'' *From now on, I'm staying away from fatty foods, by eating healthy foods, and going on a strict diet **''I'm Sorry That I Got Fat (I Will Slim Down)'' ===Solo=== *"McDonald's is a place to rock / It is a restaurant where they buy food to eat / It is a good place to listen to the music / People flock here to get down to the rock music." - '''Rock 'N Roll McDonald's''' *"The vultures were hungry." - '''The Vultures Ate My Dead Ass Up''' *"Suck a polar bear's funky ''ass''!" - '''Suck a Cheetah's Dick''' *"It was Sunday, March 12th, 2000 at 6:20 PM / I was about to fly from Chicago-Midway to Orlando, Florida / Suddenly my mean schizophrenic demon called me a jerk / Suddenly I yelled 'FUCK YOU' on the airplane" - '''My Keyboard Got Damaged''' *"Dale Dunkey shot my house up / He shot it up to get rid of the termites / He then shot at me with his BB gun" - '''The Termites Ate My House Up''' *Do something about your long filthy hair / It looks like a rat's nest" - '''Cut the Mullet''' *Take your ass to the barber shop / Tell the barber you're sick of looking like an asshole" - '''Cut the Mullet''' *Once upon a time, I was cursing at Daniels Chapel AME Zion Church / I called one of the deacons a motherfucker / Reverend Henry E. Miller preached about my vulgar language / He told the congregation in the sanctuary that I got a nasty filthy mouth" - '''They Threw Me Out of Church''' *"My mother smokes that crack like a cigar / She had a good time at it / She jacks my brother for dope money / She does this by threatening him with a Smith and Wesson" - '''My Mother Smokes Crack Rocks''' *"At 11:00 PM, the police came to my mother's house to eject her ... they locked her up for being a loser." - '''My Mother Smokes Crack Rocks''' *"Batman beat the hell out of me and knocked me to the floor / I got back up and knocked him to the floor / He was being such a jack off" - '''I Whupped Batman's Ass''' *"You are nothing but a crazy ass jerk!" - '''You Fucked That Man's Car Up''' *"You think you can get away with murder / You don't know who you're fooling with / I'm going to shoot you with my BB gun" - '''Fuck With Me and Find Out''' *"Fill me full of lead in my ass crack" - '''Shoot Me in the Ass''' *"You are my favorite movie star / You are my big buddy / You are a low-down rotten man / You are crazy like a roll lizard" - '''Arnold Schwarzenegger''' *"This beast killed as many as 100,000 people / It's wings can flap like a bird / It can break a glass / It can also stab you in the ass" - '''The Chicken Cow''' *"When the police pulled up, I was doomed / I was arrested for possession of a controlled substance / I was taken to the metal clink / I was nothing but a loser" - '''I Smoke Weed''' *"I smoke my crack pipe everyday / I have a good time at it / I jack my mother for dope money / I do it by threatening her life with a semi-automatic" - '''I Smoke Weed''' *"At 10:00 PM, I drove my bronco back to Birdman's real estate / I jumped over his fence after dark / I picked up a brick and shattered Birdman's window pane / Birdman sighted me doing it and reached for his pistol / Suddenly I jumped back in my bronco and took off like O.J. Simpson" - '''Birdman Kicked My Ass" *"The bandit wore a werewolf mask" - '''Attempted Armed Robbery''' *"Stop shooting old ladies." - '''Stop the Violence''' *"Destroy civilization, motherfucker!" - '''Stealth Bomber''' *"It's the end of World War I / It's the end of World War II!" - '''It's the End of the Western''' *"Christmas is Jesus Christ's birthday! / That's what it is all about in the mix!" - '''Merry Christmas''' *"Suck a racehorse's bootyhole / Suck a snow leopard's ass / Suck a constipated goat's dick / Suck my doberman pincher's cock" - '''Suck My Dog's Dick''' ==About== * Of course, Willis is above criticism -- it's hard to criticize something that is essentially variations on one simple theme, let alone a batch of songs written by a schizophrenic -- but that still doesn't make listening to any of his records any easier. ** AllMusic ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Willis, Wesley}} [[Category:Musicians]] [[Category:2003 deaths]] [[Category:People from Chicago]] [[Category:Christians]] pj1ulodbmujsdlan2shdwps2lhxlg46 3158027 3158024 2022-08-26T00:22:28Z Dronebogus 3078761 wikitext text/x-wiki {{people-cleanup|2010-08-10}} [[File:Wesley Willis.jpg|thumb|Wesley Willis]] [[File:Wesley Willis Icon.jpg|thumb|Here's what I'm going to have to say to all of you. If some of you have demons in your head who talk to you in profanity or whatever, don't let your demon shoot down your rock music, don't let your demon keep you off the joy bus. So like I say, Rock music pays off.]] [[File:Wesley Willis - First Avenue Star.jpg|thumb|Rock over London. Rock on Chicago.]] '''[[w:Wesley Willis|Wesley Willis]]''' ([[May 31]], [[1963]] – [[August 21]], [[2003]]) was a musician who did mostly solo work, but also worked with the punk rock band known as the [[w:Wesley Willis Fiasco|Wesley Willis Fiasco]]. His simple and unique style of music quickly gained him a cult following. He heavily praised Rock music and other artists who played in that genre. He was schizophrenic and was known to call rock his joyride. ==Quotes== *"Rock music pays off. Rock music takes me on a joyride. Rock music keeps me off the hell city bus. Rock music will always look out for me. But I will not let my torture profanity demon shoot it down." ** {{cite web|url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oPNfSekbTck |title=Interview with Howard Stern}} *"My demons talk to me in profanity. They think I'm a jerk. A bum. And an asshole. I just say they're a jerk, they're a bum, they're an asshole. They're no good. They better leave me alone and get off my case." ** {{cite web|url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2uRv8ZE_Tc&feature=related |title=Interview}} *"The music I love to play is Rock 'N Roll. I love to rock like a wild animal. I love to rock it well enough to whip a yak's ass. I love to whip it good on a horse's ass. I love to rock it real hard. I love to rock it all the way to Russia. I love to kick out the Jazz and kick it out all the way." ** {{cite web|url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsgzjE8B23o&feature=related |title=Rare High School Interview.}} *"Here's what I'm going to have to say to all of you. If some of you have demons in your head who talk to you in profanity or whatever, don't let your demon shoot down your rock music, don't let your demon keep you off the joy bus. So like I say, Rock music pays off." ** Spoken at the end of the Wesley Willis Live EP. ==Lyrics== *"Rock over London. Rock on Chicago." - '''Repeated at the end of most songs''' ===Song Lyrics=== === ''[[w:Spookydisharmoniousconflicthellride|Spookydisharmoniousconflicthellride]]'' (1996) === *Once upon a time I fucked a slut in the ass. She was all over my dick. I made her lick my dick off, then I turned around and rammed my big black dick back in her ass. / Say Ronald Reagan, what the fuck are you doing in my house? Get out of here right now, and don't you ever come back over here again! If you come back this way, I will shoulder the weapon and shoot the living shit out of you! **''I Can't Drive'' *Number 1. I'm gonna do this song again. Number 2. I'm gonna do this song again all the way up your ass. Number 3. I'm gonna fuck your ass up like in a car crash. Number 4. I'm gonna fuck you up like a goddamn accident. Number 5. Jesus is the answer! ** ''Jesus is the Answer'' *Before I got fat, I was slim / That was this time when I was eating McDonalds. **''I'm Sorry That I Got Fat (I Will Slim Down)'' *From now on, I'm staying away from fatty foods, by eating healthy foods, and going on a strict diet **''I'm Sorry That I Got Fat (I Will Slim Down)'' ===Solo=== *"McDonald's is a place to rock / It is a restaurant where they buy food to eat / It is a good place to listen to the music / People flock here to get down to the rock music." - '''Rock 'N Roll McDonald's''' *"The vultures were hungry." - '''The Vultures Ate My Dead Ass Up''' *"Suck a polar bear's funky ''ass''!" - '''Suck a Cheetah's Dick''' *"It was Sunday, March 12th, 2000 at 6:20 PM / I was about to fly from Chicago-Midway to Orlando, Florida / Suddenly my mean schizophrenic demon called me a jerk / Suddenly I yelled 'FUCK YOU' on the airplane" - '''My Keyboard Got Damaged''' *"Dale Dunkey shot my house up / He shot it up to get rid of the termites / He then shot at me with his BB gun" - '''The Termites Ate My House Up''' *Do something about your long filthy hair / It looks like a rat's nest" - '''Cut the Mullet''' *Take your ass to the barber shop / Tell the barber you're sick of looking like an asshole" - '''Cut the Mullet''' *Once upon a time, I was cursing at Daniels Chapel AME Zion Church / I called one of the deacons a motherfucker / Reverend Henry E. Miller preached about my vulgar language / He told the congregation in the sanctuary that I got a nasty filthy mouth" - '''They Threw Me Out of Church''' *"My mother smokes that crack like a cigar / She had a good time at it / She jacks my brother for dope money / She does this by threatening him with a Smith and Wesson" - '''My Mother Smokes Crack Rocks''' *"At 11:00 PM, the police came to my mother's house to eject her ... they locked her up for being a loser." - '''My Mother Smokes Crack Rocks''' *"Batman beat the hell out of me and knocked me to the floor / I got back up and knocked him to the floor / He was being such a jack off" - '''I Whupped Batman's Ass''' *"You are nothing but a crazy ass jerk!" - '''You Fucked That Man's Car Up''' *"You think you can get away with murder / You don't know who you're fooling with / I'm going to shoot you with my BB gun" - '''Fuck With Me and Find Out''' *"Fill me full of lead in my ass crack" - '''Shoot Me in the Ass''' *"You are my favorite movie star / You are my big buddy / You are a low-down rotten man / You are crazy like a roll lizard" - '''Arnold Schwarzenegger''' *"This beast killed as many as 100,000 people / It's wings can flap like a bird / It can break a glass / It can also stab you in the ass" - '''The Chicken Cow''' *"When the police pulled up, I was doomed / I was arrested for possession of a controlled substance / I was taken to the metal clink / I was nothing but a loser" - '''I Smoke Weed''' *"I smoke my crack pipe everyday / I have a good time at it / I jack my mother for dope money / I do it by threatening her life with a semi-automatic" - '''I Smoke Weed''' *"At 10:00 PM, I drove my bronco back to Birdman's real estate / I jumped over his fence after dark / I picked up a brick and shattered Birdman's window pane / Birdman sighted me doing it and reached for his pistol / Suddenly I jumped back in my bronco and took off like O.J. Simpson" - '''Birdman Kicked My Ass" *"The bandit wore a werewolf mask" - '''Attempted Armed Robbery''' *"Stop shooting old ladies." - '''Stop the Violence''' *"Destroy civilization, motherfucker!" - '''Stealth Bomber''' *"It's the end of World War I / It's the end of World War II!" - '''It's the End of the Western''' *"Christmas is Jesus Christ's birthday! / That's what it is all about in the mix!" - '''Merry Christmas''' *"Suck a racehorse's bootyhole / Suck a snow leopard's ass / Suck a constipated goat's dick / Suck my doberman pincher's cock" - '''Suck My Dog's Dick''' ==About== * Of course, Willis is above criticism -- it's hard to criticize something that is essentially variations on one simple theme, let alone a batch of songs written by a schizophrenic -- but that still doesn't make listening to any of his records any easier. ** AllMusic ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Willis, Wesley}} [[Category:Musicians]] [[Category:2003 deaths]] [[Category:People from Chicago]] [[Category:Christians]] ec1or00bkljpvv1pf08zenxyog38ui4 0 119788 3158054 3079114 2022-08-26T03:16:44Z 64.98.82.169 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Jennifers body logo.png|thumb]] '''''[[w:Jennifer's Body|Jennifer's Body]]''''' is a [[w:2009 in film|2009]] [[w:black comedy film|black comedy]]-[[w:horror film|horror film]] about a demonically possessed high school girl who kills her male classmates, with her best friend striving to stop her. :''Directed by [[w:Karyn Kusama|Karyn Kusama]]. Written by [[w:Diablo Cody|Diablo Cody]].'' {{center|'''She's evil... and not just high school evil.''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}} == Needy Lesnicky == * Hell is a teenage girl. * I don't even know who Needy Lesnicky is anymore. I'm a different person now. A person who uses curse words and kicks orderlies and sees things that aren't there. A very bad, very damaged person... ''[lifts her top sleeve, revealing Jennifer's bite mark imprinted on her shoulder]'' But sometimes change can be good! For instance, most occult scholars don't know this, but if you're bitten by a demon, and you live, you just might absorb some of the demon's abilities... You might get lucky for once in your miserable life! ''[she floats up, kicks out the window and escapes]'' == Jennifer Check == * ''[Grabs Needy's breasts]'' These are like smart bombs, you point them in the right direction and shit gets real. == Nikolai Wolf == [[File:Pentagram4.svg|thumb|Satan is our only hope. We're in league with the Beast now. And we've got to make a really big impression on him. And to do that, we're going to have to butcher you. And bleed you. And then Dirk here is going to wear your face. Relax, I'm kidding about the face thing. The rest is going to happen.]] * Do you know how hard it is to make it as an indie band these days? There are so many of us, and we're all so cute and it's like if you don't get on Letterman or some retarded soundtrack, you're screwed, okay? Satan is our only hope. We're in league with the Beast now. And we've got to make a really big impression on him. And to do that, we're going to have to butcher you. And bleed you. And then Dirk here is going to wear your face. ''[Dirk gives him a look]'' Relax, I'm kidding about the face thing. The rest is going to happen. == Other == * '''Chip Dove''': Needy, I care about you. As a person, not just some girl I made love to for four minutes the other night, and I'm scared of what's happening to you. * '''Chastity''': It's true. It's on the Wikipedia. * '''Needy's Mom''': ''[to Needy]'' I dreamed some bad people were trying to nail you to a tree with hammers and big stakes and shit. Just like J.C. But I didn't let 'em get to you, 'cause I'm a hard-assed, Ford-tough mama bear. * '''Jonas' Dad''': You hear me, you bastard?! I'll cut off your nutsack and nail it to my door! Like one of those lion door knockers rich folks got! That will be your balls! == Dialogue == :'''Needy''': How are you going to get alcohol? :'''Jennifer''': I'll just play Hello Titty with the bartender. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jennifer''': I think the singer wants me. :'''Needy''': Only because he thinks you're a virgin. I heard them talking. :'''Jennifer''': Yeah, right. I'm not even a backdoor virgin anymore, thanks to Roman. By the way, that hurts. I couldn't even go to flags the next day. I had to stay home and sit on a bag of frozen peas. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Needy''': ''[after Colin asks Jennifer out]'' Colin's really nice. :'''Jennifer''': He listens to maggot rock. He wears nail polish. My dick is bigger than his. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jennifer''': ''[Needy and Chip come downstairs from her bedroom]'' Hey, Chip. It smells like Thai food in here... Have you guys been fucking? :'''Needy''': Ugh, you're gross! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Needy''': Are you PMS'ing or something? :'''Jennifer''': PMS isn't real Needy, it was invented by the boy-run media to make us seem like we're crazy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Needy''': Jennifer's evil. :'''Chip''': I know. :'''Needy''': No. I mean, she's actually evil. Not high school evil. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chip''': ''[after Jennifer attacked him]'' She can fly? :'''Needy''': She's just hovering... it's not that impressive. :'''Jennifer''': God, do you have to undermine everything I do? You are such a player hater. :'''Needy''': You're a jerk. :'''Jennifer''': Nice insult, Hannah Montana. Got any more harsh digs? :'''Needy''': You know what? You were never a good friend. Even when we were little you used to steal my toys, and pour lemonade on my bed. :'''Jennifer''': And now I'm eating your boyfriend. See? At least I'm consistent. :'''Needy''': Why do you need him? Huh? you can have anybody that you want, Jennifer. So... why Chip? Is it just to tick me off? Or is it just because you're just really insecure? :'''Jennifer''': I am not insecure, Needy. God, that was a joke, how could I ever be insecure? I was the Snowflake Queen! :'''Needy''': Yeah, ''two'' years ago when you were socially relevant. :'''Jennifer''': I am ''still'' socially relevant. :'''Needy''': And when you didn't need laxatives to stay skinny. :'''Jennifer''': I am going... to eat your soul... and SHIT IT OUT, LESNICKI! :'''Needy''': I thought you only murdered boys. :'''Jennifer''': ''[smirks]'' I go both ways. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Needy''': Best friends FOREVER, huh? You killed my fucking boyfriend! You goddamned monster, you dumb BITCH! :''[Jennifer bites Needy on the arm. Needy reveals her knife]'' :'''Needy''': Ya know what THIS is for? Huh? It's for cutting BOXES! :''[Needy tries stabbing Jennifer in the face, Jennifer grabs the knife]'' :'''Jennifer''': Do you buy ALL your murder weapons at Home Depot? God, you're butch! :'''Needy''': Cross out Jennifer! :''[Needy slices a bloody "X" on Jennifer's stomach with the knife]'' :'''Jennifer''': ''[After being stabbed]'' My tit. :'''Needy''': No...your heart. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Passing Motorist''': So, why are you headed east? :'''Needy''': I'm following this rock band. :'''Passing Motorist''': Must be one hell of a group. :'''Needy''': Tonight's gonna be their last show. == Taglines== *She's evil... and not just high school evil. == Cast== * [[Megan Fox]] - Jennifer Check * [[w:Amanda Seyfried|Amanda Seyfried]] - Anita "Needy" Lesnicki * [[w:Johnny Simmons|Johnny Simmons]] - Chip Dove * [[w:J. K. Simmons|J. K. Simmons]] - Mr. Wroblewski * [[w:Amy Sedaris|Amy Sedaris]] - Toni Lesnicki * [[w:Adam Brody|Adam Brody]] - Nikolai * [[w:Kyle Gallner|Kyle Gallner]] - Colin Gray * [[w:Cynthia Stevenson|Cynthia Stevenson]] - Mrs. Dove * [[w:Chris Pratt|Chris Pratt]] - Officer Roman Duda * Carrie Genzel - Mrs. Check * Juan Riedinger - Dirk * Juno Ruddell - Officer Warzak * [[w:Valerie Tian|Valerie Tian]] as Chasity * Aman Johal - Ahmet from India * Josh Emerson - Jonas Kozelle * [[w:Lance Henriksen|Lance Henriksen]] - driver * [[w:Bill Fagerbakke|Bill Fagerbakke]] - Jonas' Dad ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=1131734|title=Jennifer's Body}} * {{mojo title|id=jennifersbody|title=Jennifer's Body}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=jennifers_body|title=Jennifer's Body}} [[Category:2009 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Black comedy films]] [[Category:Supernatural horror films]] [[Category:Coming-of-age films]] [[Category:Satire films]] [[Category:Teen films]] [[Category:Demon films]] [[Category:High school films]] [[Category:LGBT-related films]] [[Category:Cheerleading films]] [[Category:Films about proms]] [[Category:Films set in Minnesota]] 8qeiuxqqgc7rwjmboad6g5n9g2qim70 0 120841 3157843 3156239 2022-08-25T14:15:06Z 2600:1700:7400:53E0:0:0:0:48 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Shrek Forever After|Shrek Forever After]]''''' (also known as '''''Shrek: The Final Chapter''''' or '''''Shrek Forever After: The Final Chapter''''') is a 2010 [[w:animated film|animated]] [[w:fantasy film|fantasy]]-[[w:comedy film|comedy film]], and it is the fourth installment in the [[w:Shrek (film series)|''Shrek'' film series]]. The film is released by [[w:DreamWorks Animation|DreamWorks Animation]] and is distributed by [[w:Paramount Pictures|Paramount Pictures]]. It was released in cinemas on May 20, 2010 in Russia, on May 21 in the United States, Pakistan, Canada, India and on May 28 in Vietnam. The film was then released on June 17, 2010 in Australia and Sri Lanka and on July 2, 2010 in the United Kingdom and Ireland. Like the first 3 ''Shrek'' films, the film is based on [[w:Fairy tale|fairy tale]] themes. <center>'''It ain't ogre&ndash; til it's ogre. '''{{small|([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}</center> ==Dialogue== :''[As Rumpelstiltskin angrily scrunches up a page from a library book about Shrek]'' :'''Pinocchio''': Uh, sir? You are going to have to pay for that. :'''Rumpelstiltskin''': Uh, m-m-maybe we can make a deal for it, little boy? :'''Pinocchio''': Oh, I’m not a real boy. :'''Rumpelstiltskin''': ''[looking devious]'' Do you want to be? :''[Pinocchio kicks him out of the library]'' :'''Pinocchio''': NOBODY NEEDS YOUR DEALS ANYMORE, GRUMPEL STINKYPANTS! ''[closes the door]'' :'''Rumpelstiltskin''': ''[coughs, and looks at the ripped page of ogre family in anger]'' I wish that ogre was never born! <hr width=60%> :'''Butterpants''': Do the roar. :'''Shrek''': Uh, roar! :'''Butterpants''': ''[unimpressed]'' I don't like it. <hr width=60%> :'''Rumpelstiltskin''': So you are not gonna eat me? :'''Shrek''': No, thanks. I already had a big bowl of curly-toed weirdo for breakfast. <hr width=60%> :'''Shrek''': Alright. I knew it. So what do you want? :'''Rumpelstiltskin''': A day. :'''Shrek''': A day. :'''Rumpelstiltskin''': Ooh, rat's done! <hr width=60%> :'''Shrek''': You witches are making a big mistake! I know my rights! :'''Pumpkin Witch''': You have the right to shut your mouth! ''[drops a pumpkin which explodes with smoke in Shrek's face]'' <hr width=60%> :'''Rumpelstiltskin''': You gave me a day from your past, a day you wouldn't even remember, a day when you were an innocent, mindless, little baby. ''[starts scatting ''Happy Birthday'']'' :'''Shrek''': You took the day I was born. :'''Rumpelstiltskin''': No, Shrek, you gave it to me. <hr width=60%> :'''Shrek''': ''[about ogres using their noses as a horn]'' I didn't know we could do that. <hr width=60%> :'''Donkey''': Why don't you just tell her what you told me? You know, about how you are her true love and you came from an alternate universe. :'''Shrek''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, and while I'm at it, why don't I tell her that you're married to a fire breathing dragon, and you have little mutant donkey-dragon babies? :'''Donkey''': I do? :'''Shrek''': You saw what happened, she is gonna think I am crazy. :'''Donkey''' ''[not listening]'' I'm a daddy?! :'''Shrek''': You know what? If I got Fiona to kiss me once, ''[blows into a frog's mouth, inflating it like a balloon]'' then I can do it again. <hr width=60%> :'''Shrek''': ''[enters Fiona's tent]'' Hello? Fiona? :''[Green eyes are shown in the shadows of a cat condo]'' :'''Puss''': You should not be here, señor. :'''Shrek''': Puss? ''[Puss struggles to get out of his resting place, revealing himself as now overweight with a pink bow on wrapped around the back of his neck]'' You have gotta be kiddin’ me. :''[Puss lowers down on the scratching post, slowly, then lands on his back on a pillow. He then struggles to get up, followed by facing Shrek]'' :'''Puss''': Feed me, if you dare. :'''Shrek''': Puss, what happened to you?! You got so fa-- ''[as he goes to say "fat", Puss gives him a look]'' Fancy! :'''Puss''': Do I know you? :'''Shrek''': Well, where is your hat? And your belt? ''[gasps softly]'' And your wee little boots? :'''Puss''': Boots, for a cat? ''[laughs]'' :'''Shrek''': But you're Puss '''''in Boots'''''. :'''Puss''': Maybe once, ''[opens a bottle of milk]'' but that is a name I have outgrown. :'''Shrek''': ''[under his breath]'' That's not the only thing you have outgrown. :'''Puss''': Hey! I may have let myself go a little since retirement, but hanging up my sword was the best decision of my life! I have all the cream I can drink and all the mice I can chase. ''[a mouse runs up to his bowl and starts drinking out of it]'' Eh, I'll get him later. ''[starts drinking out of the bowl himself]'' :'''Shrek''': Oh, Puss, what have I done to you? You've gone soft. :'''Puss''': Well, I do get brushed twice a day. <hr width=60%> :'''Puss''': Come on, Donkey, ''¡vamonos!'' :'''Donkey''': Man, you are a ''cat''-tastrophe! :'''Puss''': And you, are ri-''donkey''-lous! :''[Beat; then both laugh]'' <hr width=60%> :'''Shrek''': Stop! Where are you going?! :'''Fiona''': To save my friends! :'''Shrek''': How, by getting yourself killed?! :'''Fiona''': If that is what it takes! :'''Shrek''': Puss, say something! :'''Fiona''': ''[suspiciously]'' Puss?! :'''Puss''': Eh, let me explain. :'''Fiona''': So that's how you knew so much about me. :'''Shrek''': Fiona, wait! ''[jumping in front of her]'' Kiss me! :'''Fiona''': What?! :'''Shrek''': It is the only way to save your friends, Fiona! :'''Fiona''': Get out of my way, honey! ''[walks past him]'' :'''Shrek''': You used to believe that a single kiss could solve everything! :''[Fiona turns around and reluctantly kisses him. However, when they are done kissing, nothing happens, to Shrek is confusion. Fiona, indifferent, wipes her mouth]'' :'''Shrek''': I don't understand. ''[frustrated]'' This does not make any sense! True love's kiss was supposed to fix everything! :'''Fiona''': Yeah, well, you know what? That's what they told me too. True love didn't get me out of that tower. I did! I saved myself! Don't you get it?! It's all just a big fairy tale! :'''Shrek''': ''[pleading]'' Fiona, do not say that! It does exist! :'''Fiona''': And how would you know?! Did you grow up locked away in a dragon is keep?! ''[voice cracking]'' Did you live all alone in a miserable tower?! Did you cry yourself to sleep every night waiting for a true love that never came?! :'''Shrek''': ''[shocked]'' But...I am your true love. :'''Fiona''': Then where ''were'' you when I needed ''you''? :''[Shrek, stunned and full of guilt, can not bring himself to answer. Fiona turns around and leaves]'' :'''Donkey''': Maybe you kissed her...wrong? :'''Shrek''': No. The kiss didn't work, because Fiona doesn't love me. <hr width=60%> :'''Puss''': It seems that we are safe. :'''Donkey''': Yeah, it looks a lot less pitchforky and torchy out there. Let's go. :'''Shrek''': ''[bitterly]'' Oh, what's the point? The kiss didn't work. It's over. :'''Donkey''': Look, Shrek, I know things might seem a little bleak right now, but things always work themselves out in the end. You'll see. Well, I'll bet by this time tomorrow- :'''Shrek''': ''[angrily]'' Hey! Don't you understand?! There is no tomorrow, there's no day after that, and there's no day after that, day after that! My life was perfect, and I'm never gonna get it back! :'''Donkey''': Well, if your life was so perfect, then why did you sign it all the way to Rumpelstiltskin in the first place? :'''Shrek''': Because I didn’t know what I had until it was gone, all right?! ''[sighs, deeply remorseful now]'' I didn’t know what I had... <hr width=60%> :'''Fiona''': That was a really brave thing you did, Shrek. Thank you. :'''Shrek''': ''[sullenly]'' No. You were right. I wasn’t there for you. And not just at the dragon’s keep, but...everyday since. :'''Fiona''': ''[smiles softly]'' Well, well, you’re here now. <hr width=60%> :''[During the main event]'' :'''Donkey''': ''♪ Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall.<br />All you've got to do is call.'' :''[Rumpelstiltskin and the witches hear and spot him on top of the new hanging chandelier ball]'' :'''Donkey''': ''♪And I'll be there. Yeah, yeah, yeah!♪'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey? :'''Donkey''': And Puss! :''[Puss descends down the chandelier ball's rope, now wearing his boots, belt, hat and cape]'' :'''Puss''': In Boots! <hr width=60%> :''[Last lines]'' :'''Shrek''': You know, I always thought I rescued you from the Dragon's Keep. :'''Fiona''': You did. :'''Shrek''': No. It was ''you'' that rescued ''me''. :''[Fiona beams, before the two share a kiss]'' == Taglines == * The Final Chapter * Bake no prisoners (Gingy tagline) * It ain't ogre– til it's ogre * The fairy tale is ogre (Fiona tagline) * Waffles in the face of danger (Donkey tagline) * Feed me! If you dare! (Puss tagline) * Where my witches at? (Rumpelstiltskin tagline) * What the Shrek just happened? (Shrek tagline) ==Cast== * [[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]] as Shrek * [[Cameron Diaz]] as Princess Fiona * [[Eddie Murphy]] as Donkey * [[w:Antonio Banderas|Antonio Banderas]] as Puss in Boots * [[Julie Andrews]] as Queen Lillian * [[John Cleese]] as King Harold * [[w:Walt Dohrn|Walt Dohrn]] as Rumpelstiltskin, Priest, and a Krekraw Ogre * [[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]] as Gingy * [[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]] as Pinocchio and the 3 Little Pigs * [[w:Christopher Knights|Christopher Knights]] as 3 Blind Mice * [[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]] as Big Bad Wolf * [[w:Jon Hamm|Jon Hamm]] as Brogan the Ogre * [[w:Craig Robinson|Craig Robinson]] as Cookie the Ogre * [[w:Jane Lynch|Jane Lynch]] as Gretched the Ogre * [[w:Chris Miller|Chris Miller]] as Magic Mirror and Mr. Geppetto * [[w:Kristen Schaal|Kristen Schaal]] as Pumpkin and Palace Witches * [[w:Mary Kay Place|Mary Kay Place]] as Guard Witch * [[w:Meredith Vieira|Meredith Vieira]] as Broomsy Witch * [[Kathy Griffin]] as Taran * [[w:Lake Bell|Lake Bell]] as Patrol Witch, Wagon Witch #2 * [[w:Jeremy Steig|Jeremy Steig]] as Pied Piper * [[w:Larry King|Larry King]] as Doris the Ugly Stepsister * [[w:Regis Philbin|Regis Philbin]] as Mabel the Ugly Stepsister * [[w:Ryan Seacrest|Ryan Seacrest]] as Butterpants' father * [[w:Mike Mitchell|Mike Mitchell]] as Butterpants, Baba the Witch == See also == * ''[[Shrek]]'' * ''[[Shrek 2]]'' * ''[[Shrek the Third]]'' * [[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|''Puss in Boots'' (2011 film)]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0892791}} [[Category:2010 films]] [[Category:2010s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:History films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Shrek|Shrek 4]] [[Category:Witchcraft in films]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Animated films about time travel]] [[Category:Animated films about dragons]] [[Category:Films directed by Mike Mitchell]] [[Category:Midlife crisis films]] [[Category:Films about royalty]] q0z03e07cztfdw0yaes4oeayc9xy5te 0 121551 3158119 3023925 2022-08-26T11:44:28Z Eaglestorm 16205 LOQ nine for 108 ONLY rv stub wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Rocketeer (film)|The Rocketeer]]''''' is a [[w:1991 in film|1991]] [[w:period film|period]] [[w:adventure film|adventure film]] produced by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] and based on the [[w:The Rocketeer|character of the same name]] created by comic book writer/artist [[w:Dave Stevens|Dave Stevens]]. :''Directed by [[w:Joe Johnston|Joe Johnston]]. Written by [[w:Danny Bilson|Danny Bilson]] and [[w:Paul De Meo|Paul De Meo]], based on [[w:Rocketeer|The Rocketeer]] by [[w:Dave Stevens|Dave Stevens]].'' ==[[w:The Rocketeer|Cliff Secord/The Rocketeer]]== * ''[to Peevy after a bad date with Jenny]'' Why don't you stick that welding torch in my ear, and call it the end of a perfect day. ==Jenny Blake== * I've finally played a scene with Neville Sinclair. ==A. "Peevy" Peabody== * ''[to a pair of FBI agents]'' You chase a couple of two-bit crooks across our runway, crash into my pilot, and it's our fault? ==Eddie Valentine== * ''[as the FBI catch Sinclair's SA commandos and Cliff blasts off nearby, picks up Tommy gun]'' Lousy Krauts, let 'em have it!! ''[opens fire]'' ==Dialogue== :'''Cliff Secord''': ''[donning the Rocketeer's helmet]'' How do I look? :'''"Peevy" Peabody''': Like a hood ornament. <hr width="50%"/> :''[at the South Seas Club, Jenny tries to get some air but somebody pulls her into the bushes. It's Cliff Secord posing as a waiter]'' :'''Jenny Blake''': Are you out of your mind? What are you doing here? :'''Cliff Secord''': Listen to me. :'''Blake''': You're jealous. :'''Secord''': I'm not jealous! Jenny, Bigelow's been murdered. :'''Blake''': Murdered? :'''Secord''': Remember the rocket we found? The people that are looking for it murdered Bigelow to get to me. Now they're after you. They have your picture, the one from the Gee Bee. Jenny, prepare yourself for a shock. ''[short breath]'' I'm the Rocketeer. :'''Blake''': The Rocke-who? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jenny chances upon a secret room and a radio. She tries to make a call, but the voice on the other end is German]'' :'''Jenny Blake''': Oh, my God... Neville Sinclair is a- :'''Neville Sinclair''': ''[appears, with Lothar in tow]'' A what? Spy? Saboteur? Fascist? All of the above. <hr width="50%"/> :''[at the [[w:Griffith Observatory|Griffith Observatory]], Cliff is forced at gunpoint to give Neville Sinclair his rocket pack and spare Jenny's life]'' :'''Cliff Secord''': What's it like working for a Nazi, Eddie? He pay you in dollars or deutschmarks? :'''Eddie Valentine''': ''[to Sinclair]'' What's he talking about? :'''Secord''': Oh I got it straight from the Feds, Eddie. Nazi spy ring, flying commandos, the works. :'''Neville Sinclair''': ''[laughs]'' Kid's been flying where the air is too thin. :'''Jenny Blake''': Ask him about the secret room and the Germans on the radio. :'''Valentine henchman''': ''[points Tommy gun at Lothar]'' Relax, Frankenstein. You ain't bullet proof. :'''Valentine''': Talk fast, Sinclair. :'''Secord''': You tell him, Eddie. :'''Valentine''': ''[to Cliff]'' Shut up! :'''Sinclair''': Come on, Eddie, I'm paying you well. Does it matter who I work for? :'''Valentine''': It matters to me. I may not make an honest buck, but I'm 100 percent American. And I don't work for no two-bit Nazi. ''[points pistol at him as well as the mobsters]'' Let her go. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jenny Blake''': Everything about you is a lie. :'''Neville Sinclair''': It wasn't lies, Jenny... It was acting. ''[laughs evilly]'' I'll miss Hollywood. ''[launches in the rocket pack]'' :'''Cliff Secord''': I don't think so. :''[Barely feet from the airship, the rocket pack bursts into flames, sending Sinclair plummeting, screaming, into the [[w:Hollywood Sign|Hollywoodland]] sign.]'' == Cast == *[[w:Billy Campbell|William Campbell]] - Cliff Secord *[[w:Jennifer Connelly|Jennifer Connelly]] - Jenny Blake *[[w:Alan Arkin|Alan Arkin]] - Peevy *[[w:Timothy Dalton|Timothy Dalton]] - Neville Sinclair *[[w:Tiny Ron Taylor|Tiny Ron]] - Lothar *[[w:Paul Sorvino|Paul Sorvino]] - Eddie Valentine *[[w:Terry O'Quinn|Terry O'Quinn]] - [[w:Howard Hughes|Howard Hughes]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102803/quotes The Rocketeer] (1991) Quotes {{DEFAULTSORT:Rocketeer}} [[Category:1991 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Action films]] [[Category:Adventure films]] [[Category:Comic book films|Rocketeer]] [[Category:Nazis in film]] 5vs2yfskkjzy6ss0ngk1axq32a6yzue 0 123367 3157926 3151769 2022-08-25T20:24:40Z 2603:6081:6A06:C373:805:DDDC:672B:63F6 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Joe Somebody|Joe Somebody]]''''' is a [[w:2001 in film|2001]] [[American]] [[w:comedy-drama film|comedy-drama film]] written by [[w:John Scott Shepherd|John Scott Shepherd]] and directed by [[w:John Pasquin|John Pasquin]]. The film stars [[Tim Allen]] as a man stirred into action by a workplace bully. The film also stars [[w:Julie Bowen|Julie Bowen]], [[w:Kelly Lynch|Kelly Lynch]], [[w:Greg Germann|Greg Germann]], [[w:Hayden Panettiere|Hayden Panettiere]], [[Patrick Warburton]] and [[Jim Belushi]]. {{center|'''A Comedy About Somebody Everybody Can Believe In.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}} ==Dialogue== :[''after getting hit by trainer''] :'''Joe''': Did people ever come back here? <hr width=50%> :'''Meg''': You're having a panic attack, do you know what that means? :'''Joe''': It sounds pretty self-explanatory. <hr width=50%> :'''Joe''': You talking to me? <hr width=50%> :'''Joe''': Did you have fun? :'''Natalie''': Weekend from hell. They took me to another silly-ass hippie restaurant. :'''Natalie''': With thee most absurd one-man play ever produced! :'''Joe''': "Silly-ass"? :'''Natalie''': Dad... <hr width=50%> :'''Natalie''': [''on the phone with Joe''] Dad, just tell me something. Is it you don't want to see me? Or is it you don't want me to see you? :'''Joe''': Yes... Yes to the second one. :'''Natalie''': [''crying''] DAD, just please let me come over. Just for a little while... :'''Joe''': It's okay. Everything's all right. I'm just sitting here drowning my sorrows in a - a quart of Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey. <hr width=50%> :'''Chuck''': Too bad. I was really hoping to give a damn. <hr width=50%> :'''Joe''': Can you show me some of that Crouching Dragon, Hidden Tiger stuff? <hr width=50%> :'''Natalie''': Everything on the menu was made with curd. Curd this, curd that. I MEAN, I ordered a hamburger and I got a 10-minute lecture on animal rights from the waitress. AND the guy in the play was half-naked! :'''Joe''': WHAT? Which half? <hr width=50%> :'''Joe''': Your become a farmer? :'''Rick''': No, Joe. I'm an actor dressed as a farmer... for an audition. :'''Joe''': Sorry. <hr width=50%> :'''Callie''': We had a great weekend. Did she tell you about the play? :'''Joe''': Yeah. The actors were naked. :'''Natalie''': So were the ushers. :'''Callie''': They were not! :'''Joe''': Callie, ''[[Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' is in town. What's a matter with that? <hr width=50%> :'''Natalie''': [''gets out of the car after Joe gets punched by Mark''] LEAVE HIM ALONE, DIRTBAG! :'''Joe''': Don't call anybody a dirtbag. :'''Natalie''': Daddy, are you okay? You're bleeding. :'''Joe''': I'm good. I just tripped! I'm okay. Let's go... <hr width=50%> :'''Natalie''': Why do I have to spend weekends with them? Can't we just drive by every Saturday and wave? :'''Joe''': Your mom's a little eccentric. Think of her as an exotic flower. :'''Natalie''': And that made you what? Dirt? :'''Joe''': NAT, she's your mom. <hr width=50%> :'''Natalie''': HEY, that guy is an ass-wipe! :'''Joe''': NATALIE... :'''Natalie''': Sorry, I meant "ass-guy". <hr width=50%> :'''Joe''': That's Mark McKinney! He's a 7-year employee. W-what's he doing in the 10-year lot? :'''Natalie''': Maybe he's going to stand around for another 3 years. == Taglines == *A Comedy About Somebody Everybody Can Believe In. *someone just picked on the wrong nobody. *Knockout fun for the whole family! ==Cast== * [[Tim Allen]] - Joe Scheffer * [[w:Julie Bowen|Julie Bowen]] - Meg Harper * [[w:Kelly Lynch|Kelly Lynch]] - Callie Scheffer * [[w:Greg Germann|Greg Germann]] - Jeremy * [[w:Hayden Panettiere|Hayden Panettiere]] - Natalie Scheffer * [[Patrick Warburton]] - Mark McKinney * [[Jim Belushi]] - Chuck Scarett * [[w:Ken Marino|Ken Marino]] - Rick Raglow * [[w:Wolfgang Bodison|Wolfgang Bodison]] - Cade Raymond * [[w:Cristi Conaway|Cristi Conaway]] - Abby Manheim * [[w:Robert Joy|Robert Joy]] - Pat Chilcutt * [[w:Tina Lifford|Tina Lifford]] - Cassandra Taylor ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|0279889}} [[Category:2001 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Comedy-drama films]] [[Category:Films set in Minnesota]] 1dvgjkiepe1pjvn5v4d8acwzfhbrnx2 3157927 3157926 2022-08-25T20:25:01Z 2603:6081:6A06:C373:805:DDDC:672B:63F6 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Joe Somebody|Joe Somebody]]''''' is a [[w:2001 in film|2001]] [[American]] [[w:comedy-drama film|comedy-drama film]] written by [[w:John Scott Shepherd|John Scott Shepherd]] and directed by [[w:John Pasquin|John Pasquin]]. The film stars [[Tim Allen]] as a man stirred into action by a workplace bully. The film also stars [[w:Julie Bowen|Julie Bowen]], [[w:Kelly Lynch|Kelly Lynch]], [[w:Greg Germann|Greg Germann]], [[w:Hayden Panettiere|Hayden Panettiere]], [[Patrick Warburton]] and [[Jim Belushi]]. {{center|'''A Comedy About Somebody Everybody Can Believe In.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}} ==Dialogue== :[''after getting hit by trainer''] :'''Joe''': Did people ever come back here? <hr width=50%> :'''Meg''': You're having a panic attack, do you know what that means? :'''Joe''': It sounds pretty self-explanatory. <hr width=50%> :'''Joe''': You talking to me? <hr width=50%> :'''Joe''': Did you have fun? :'''Natalie''': Weekend from hell. They took me to another silly-ass hippie restaurant. :'''Natalie''': With thee most absurd one-man play ever produced! :'''Joe''': "Silly-ass"? :'''Natalie''': Dad... <hr width=50%> :'''Natalie''': [''on the phone with Joe''] Dad, just tell me something. Is it you don't want to see me? Or is it you don't want me to see you? :'''Joe''': Yes... Yes to the second one. :'''Natalie''': [''crying''] DAD, just please let me come over. Just for a little while... :'''Joe''': It's okay. Everything's all right. I'm just sitting here drowning my sorrows in a - a quart of Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey. <hr width=50%> :'''Chuck''': Too bad. I was really hoping to give a shit. <hr width=50%> :'''Joe''': Can you show me some of that Crouching Dragon, Hidden Tiger stuff? <hr width=50%> :'''Natalie''': Everything on the menu was made with curd. Curd this, curd that. I MEAN, I ordered a hamburger and I got a 10-minute lecture on animal rights from the waitress. AND the guy in the play was half-naked! :'''Joe''': WHAT? Which half? <hr width=50%> :'''Joe''': Your become a farmer? :'''Rick''': No, Joe. I'm an actor dressed as a farmer... for an audition. :'''Joe''': Sorry. <hr width=50%> :'''Callie''': We had a great weekend. Did she tell you about the play? :'''Joe''': Yeah. The actors were naked. :'''Natalie''': So were the ushers. :'''Callie''': They were not! :'''Joe''': Callie, ''[[Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' is in town. What's a matter with that? <hr width=50%> :'''Natalie''': [''gets out of the car after Joe gets punched by Mark''] LEAVE HIM ALONE, DIRTBAG! :'''Joe''': Don't call anybody a dirtbag. :'''Natalie''': Daddy, are you okay? You're bleeding. :'''Joe''': I'm good. I just tripped! I'm okay. Let's go... <hr width=50%> :'''Natalie''': Why do I have to spend weekends with them? Can't we just drive by every Saturday and wave? :'''Joe''': Your mom's a little eccentric. Think of her as an exotic flower. :'''Natalie''': And that made you what? Dirt? :'''Joe''': NAT, she's your mom. <hr width=50%> :'''Natalie''': HEY, that guy is an ass-wipe! :'''Joe''': NATALIE... :'''Natalie''': Sorry, I meant "ass-guy". <hr width=50%> :'''Joe''': That's Mark McKinney! He's a 7-year employee. W-what's he doing in the 10-year lot? :'''Natalie''': Maybe he's going to stand around for another 3 years. == Taglines == *A Comedy About Somebody Everybody Can Believe In. *someone just picked on the wrong nobody. *Knockout fun for the whole family! ==Cast== * [[Tim Allen]] - Joe Scheffer * [[w:Julie Bowen|Julie Bowen]] - Meg Harper * [[w:Kelly Lynch|Kelly Lynch]] - Callie Scheffer * [[w:Greg Germann|Greg Germann]] - Jeremy * [[w:Hayden Panettiere|Hayden Panettiere]] - Natalie Scheffer * [[Patrick Warburton]] - Mark McKinney * [[Jim Belushi]] - Chuck Scarett * [[w:Ken Marino|Ken Marino]] - Rick Raglow * [[w:Wolfgang Bodison|Wolfgang Bodison]] - Cade Raymond * [[w:Cristi Conaway|Cristi Conaway]] - Abby Manheim * [[w:Robert Joy|Robert Joy]] - Pat Chilcutt * [[w:Tina Lifford|Tina Lifford]] - Cassandra Taylor ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|0279889}} [[Category:2001 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Comedy-drama films]] [[Category:Films set in Minnesota]] 8zknixcgwq1cop35s97ys3mfqowetk3 3157928 3157927 2022-08-25T20:26:01Z 2603:6081:6A06:C373:805:DDDC:672B:63F6 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Joe Somebody|Joe Somebody]]''''' is a [[w:2001 in film|2001]] [[American]] [[w:comedy-drama film|comedy-drama film]] written by [[w:John Scott Shepherd|John Scott Shepherd]] and directed by [[w:John Pasquin|John Pasquin]]. The film stars [[Tim Allen]] as a man stirred into action by a workplace bully. The film also stars [[w:Julie Bowen|Julie Bowen]], [[w:Kelly Lynch|Kelly Lynch]], [[w:Greg Germann|Greg Germann]], [[w:Hayden Panettiere|Hayden Panettiere]], [[Patrick Warburton]] and [[Jim Belushi]]. {{center|'''A Comedy About Somebody Everybody Can Believe In.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}} ==Dialogue== :[''after getting hit by trainer''] :'''Joe''': Did people ever come back here? <hr width=50%> :'''Meg''': You're having a panic attack, do you know what that means? :'''Joe''': It sounds pretty self-explanatory. <hr width=50%> :'''Joe''': You talking to me? <hr width=50%> :'''Joe''': Did you have fun? :'''Natalie''': Weekend from hell. They took me to another silly-ass hippie restaurant. :'''Natalie''': With thee most absurd one-man play ever produced! :'''Joe''': "Silly-ass"? :'''Natalie''': Dad... <hr width=50%> :'''Natalie''': [''on the phone with Joe''] Dad, just tell me something. Is it you don't want to see me? Or is it you don't want me to see you? :'''Joe''': Yes... Yes to the second one. :'''Natalie''': [''crying''] DAD, just please let me come over. Just for a little while... :'''Joe''': It's okay. Everything's all right. I'm just sitting here drowning my sorrows in a - a quart of Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey. <hr width=50%> :'''Chuck''': Too bad. I was really hoping to give a shit. <hr width=50%> :'''Joe''': Can you show me some of that Crouching Dragon, Hidden Tiger stuff? <hr width=50%> :'''Natalie''': Everything on the menu was made with curd. Curd this, curd that. I MEAN, I ordered a hamburger and I got a 10-minute lecture on animal rights from the waitress. AND the guy in the play was half-naked! :'''Joe''': WHAT? Which half? <hr width=50%> :'''Joe''': You became a farmer? :'''Rick''': No, Joe. I'm an actor dressed as a farmer... for an audition. :'''Joe''': Sorry. <hr width=50%> :'''Callie''': We had a great weekend. Did she tell you about the play? :'''Joe''': Yeah. The actors were naked. :'''Natalie''': So were the ushers. :'''Callie''': They were not! :'''Joe''': Callie, ''[[Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' is in town. What's the matter with that? <hr width=50%> :'''Natalie''': [''gets out of the car after Joe gets punched by Mark''] LEAVE HIM ALONE, DIRTBAG! :'''Joe''': Don't call anybody a dirtbag. :'''Natalie''': Daddy, are you okay? You're bleeding. :'''Joe''': I'm good. I just tripped! I'm okay. Let's go... <hr width=50%> :'''Natalie''': Why do I have to spend weekends with them? Can't we just drive by every Saturday and wave? :'''Joe''': Your mom's a little eccentric. Think of her as an exotic flower. :'''Natalie''': And that made you what? Dirt? :'''Joe''': NAT, she's your mom. <hr width=50%> :'''Natalie''': HEY, that guy is an ass-wipe! :'''Joe''': NATALIE... :'''Natalie''': Sorry, I meant "ass-guy". <hr width=50%> :'''Joe''': That's Mark McKinney! He's a 7-year employee. W-what's he doing in the 10-year lot? :'''Natalie''': Maybe he's going to stand around for another 3 years. == Taglines == *A Comedy About Somebody Everybody Can Believe In. *someone just picked on the wrong nobody. *Knockout fun for the whole family! ==Cast== * [[Tim Allen]] - Joe Scheffer * [[w:Julie Bowen|Julie Bowen]] - Meg Harper * [[w:Kelly Lynch|Kelly Lynch]] - Callie Scheffer * [[w:Greg Germann|Greg Germann]] - Jeremy * [[w:Hayden Panettiere|Hayden Panettiere]] - Natalie Scheffer * [[Patrick Warburton]] - Mark McKinney * [[Jim Belushi]] - Chuck Scarett * [[w:Ken Marino|Ken Marino]] - Rick Raglow * [[w:Wolfgang Bodison|Wolfgang Bodison]] - Cade Raymond * [[w:Cristi Conaway|Cristi Conaway]] - Abby Manheim * [[w:Robert Joy|Robert Joy]] - Pat Chilcutt * [[w:Tina Lifford|Tina Lifford]] - Cassandra Taylor ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|0279889}} [[Category:2001 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Comedy-drama films]] [[Category:Films set in Minnesota]] dxnjmp6cd29yms6aswwjgmyamtu1o7y 0 123582 3158011 2277406 2022-08-25T23:53:44Z UDScott 4304 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''Elemental: The Power of Illuminated Love, the art of Luther E. Vann with poetry by [[Aberjhani]]''''' (2008, {{ISBN|9780972114271}} was published in conjunction with an exhibit of Vann's paintings at Telfair Museum of Art, Savannah, Georgia. ===From ELEMENTAL=== *The greater puzzle of universal wisdom and beauty that we have strived to honor through our work includes the profound legacies of world artistic and spiritual traditions, the innate integrity of human communities where people seek to live in social harmony, and that regenerative stream of life sustained upon the earth itself as it spins through the cosmos to the music of the spheres. It also embraces such simple and yet essential things as the psychic nourishment received from family and friends while growing up; and the welcoming kindness received from “strangers” when venturing forth into the world. **(Luther E. Vann, p. 2, A Personal Journey of Years) *Everywhere we shine <br /> death and life burn <br /> into something new, <br /> rise up like perfumed nebulae <br /> through the jubilant road <br /> flowing beneath our feet. **(Aberjhani, p. 70, ''Star People'') *Drawing has always been a staple, a gratifying part of my being. It was the first creative act I knew. It is the first effort of a child to express perhaps what it cannot or will not express verbally. **(Luther E. Vann, p. 83, ''That Particular Language of Painting'') *The image titled “The Homeless, Psalm 85:10,” featured on the cover of ELEMENTAL, can evoke multiple levels of response. They may include the spiritual in the form of a studied meditation upon the multidimensional qualities of the painting itself; or an extended contemplation of the scripture in the title, which in the King James Bible reads as follows: “Mercy and truth are met together; righteousness and peace have kissed each other.” The painting can also inspire a physical response in the form of tears as it calls to mind its more earth-bound aspects; namely, the very serious plight of those who truly are homeless in this world, whether born into such a condition, or forced into it by poverty or war. **(Aberjhani, p. 111, from ''The Homeless, Psalm 85:10'') *These creatures made of starbreath <br /> and visions must have seen you <br /> in those moments that stood like walls <br /> of alien genetics between your life and mine. <br /> They knew what you were like, vibrating <br /> your entire universe against the skin and tears <br /> of another, slowly crushing your skull <br /> between planets of intolerance and desire. **(Aberjhani, p. 118, from ''Sunrise Elegy'') === Quotes About ELEMENTAL and Its Creators === *Even as I read the lush work of the poet, the corresponding reproductions reflected the words in yet another medium. The artist Vann works in paint that resembles colored fire—the kind that one knocks one’s head back to gaze upon in the night sky on Independence Day. Fireworks, nearly liquid fire, in every blazing color and few of them muted, but pure, in shivering and shimmering lines... The two artists are a perfect match, words as vibrant as image, image as emblazoned with fiery color as poetry. The occasional essay enlightens as to the inner workings of each, building anticipation for the pages ahead and beckoning return to the pages behind. **--Zinta Aistars, ''The Smoking Poet'' Art Begets Art Review 20 March, 2009 *A beautiful book…the reproductions of the paintings are outstanding. The poems were inspired by the paintings, and make perfect companions for the reproductions. **Linda Sickler, "Elemental Finally," ''Connect Savannah'', 4 June 2008 ==See also== *[http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Aberjhani Aberjhani] *[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Encyclopedia_of_the_Harlem_Renaissance Encyclopedia of the Harlem Renaissance] ==External Links== *[http://books.google.com/books?id=eieiUFsLO6sC&printsec=frontcover&dq=inauthor:%22Aberjhani%22&hl=en&ei=eBWVTLyjLYL7lwfLmbiiCg&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=3&ved=0CDUQ6AEwAg#v=onepage&q&f=false ELEMENTAL Google Book Page] *[http://www.authorsden.com/visit/viewwork.asp?id=14295%20 ELEMENTAL the Power of Illuminated Love on Authors Den] *[http://www.facebook.com/pages/Elemental-The-Power-of-Illuminated-Love/168964023116013 ELEMENTAL the Power of Illuminated Love] [[Category:Poetry]] gp04i4e5et74kbpv1jccwnwf3vic2gp 0 124244 3157976 2340683 2022-08-25T22:37:43Z Md. Golam Mukit Khan 3034089 +image wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Ziaur Rahman 1979.jpg|thumb|Ziaur Rahman in 1979]] Lieutenant General '''[[w:Ziaur Rahman|Ziaur Rahman]]''', Bir Uttam, ([[w:Bengali language|Bengali]]: ''জিয়াউর রহমান'' (Ziaur Rôhman)) ([[January 19]], [[1936]] – [[May 30]], [[1981]]) was a hero of the Bangladesh Liberation War, a retired three star Lieutenant General of the Bangladesh Army and a statesman. He was the 7th President of Bangladesh from 1977 until 1981. He founded the Bangladesh Nationalist Party (BNP), one of the two largest political parties in the country. He is popularly known as Shaheed President Zia, meaning martyred Zia, in reference to his assassination in 1981. == Quotes == * This is Shadhin Bangla Betar Kendro. '''I, Major Ziaur Rahman, on behalf of Bangobondhu Sheikh Mujibur Rahman, hereby declare that the independent People's Republic of Bangladesh has been established.''' I have taken command as the temporary Head of the Republic. I call upon all Bengalis to rise against the attack by the West Pakistani Army. We shall fight to the last to free our Motherland. By the grace of Allah, victory is ours. Joy Bangla. ** Declaration of Independence of Bangladesh on March 27, 1971 at 7:45 PM. * Do you think I wish to hang [[w:Abu Taher|Taher]]? Well, I don’t. But '''the Law of the Land should carry its Course'''. And he ([[w:Abu Taher|Colonel Abu Taher]]) did not send any Mercy Petition and so what is there for me to do? ** During a conversation with Mir Shawkat Ali Khan on the night of [[w:Abu Taher|Colonel Abu Taher's]] execution. ** {{cite web | last = | first = | date = 21 July 1976 | url = http://www.nirmaaan.com/blog/anwarhossain/6165 | title = মুক্তাঙ্গন | তাহেরের স্বপ্ন (পঞ্চম ও শেষ পর্ব) | accessdate = 2010-11-19 }} * We must not be beggars. Why should we beg? '''We have something to offer.''' **During an interview with The New York Times reporter, Kevin Rafferty in October 1976. ** {{cite web | last = | first = | date = 10 October 1976 | url = http://ziaarchive.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/economic-hope-for-bangladesh.pdf | title = Economic Hope For Bangladesh | accessdate = 2010-11-19 }} * '''To the [[w:Treaty on the Non-Proliferation of Nuclear Weapons|Non-Proliferation Treaty]], was based on a firm conviction that there can be peace only through the elimination of all nuclear weapons, moved towards the limitation of nuclear armaments and other weapons of mass destruction, are important steps in creating an atmosphere of trust and the relaxation of tensions.''' ** Ziaur Rahman's speech in the United Nations Security Council. ** {{cite web | last = | first = | date = | url = http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QASYSWMbDtg | title = Ziaur Rahman in the United Nations - YouTube | accessdate = 2012-05-30 }} * '''Eventually an effective political ideology cannot be based on any certain religion.''' Religion can offer some contribution, but an entire political activism cannot be oriented in accordance with religion. Political history of this region has the example of religion-based politics attempted during Pakistan era and it failed. Not only in [[Islam]], people in other religions of many regions try to keep on politics based on religion. It's not right. It's important and it should be remembered. ** After the formation of [[w:Bangladesh Nationalist Party|Bangladesh Nationalist Party]], Zia took initiative for formation of political institutes and sponsored workshops for the youth to get active political lessons on Bangladeshi nationalism. ** {{cite book |author=[[w:Emajuddin Ahamed|Ahamed, Emajuddin]]; Islam, Majidul; [[w:Shaukat Mahmood|Moohmud, Shaukat]]; Sikder, Abdul Hai |title=''''Tarique Rahman : Opekkhaye Bangladesh'''' |publisher=Ziaur Rahman Foundation |location=[[w:Dhaka|Dhaka]] |year= 2010 |pages=389 |isbn=984-760-141-0 |oclc= |doi=}} * '''I did not capture power. I was made to assume power.''' ** Ziaur Rahman's speech during a press conference. ** {{cite book |author=[[w:Anthony Mascarenhas|Anthony Mascarenhas]] |title=''''[[w:Bangladesh: A Legacy of Blood|Bangladesh: A Legacy of Blood]]'''' |publisher=Hodder and Stoughton |location=[[w:London|London]] |year= 1986 |pages=124 |isbn=0-340-39420-X |oclc= |doi=}} == Quotes about Zia == * '''The United States -- indeed the world -- had come to respect President Zia's profound and compassionate commitment to a better life for his people and his dedication to the rule of law. His wisdom in international affairs will be sorely missed.''' ** [[Ronald Reagan]], 40th President of the United States of America, {{cite web | last = | first = Public Papers of Ronald Reagan | date = 31 May 1981 | url = http://www.reagan.utexas.edu/archives/speeches/1981/53181a.htm | title = Message to Acting President Abdus Sattar of Bangladesh on the Death of President Ziaur Rahman | accessdate = 2007-05-06 }} * '''It's hard to imagine what would have happened to Bangladesh had Ziaur Rahman been assassinated in 1975 instead of 1981. A failed state on the model of Afghanistan or Liberia might well have resulted. Zia saved Bangladesh from that fate.''' ** [[w:William Milam|William Bryant Milam ]], Former United States Ambassador to Bangladesh. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Rahman, Ziaur}} [[Category:Political leaders]] [[Category:1981 deaths]] [[Category:Bangladesh military leaders]] 238de7bdrvft3jdsge83tbq1te76qcy 0 126417 3157915 3137182 2022-08-25T18:40:45Z 88.104.70.29 Justice wikitext text/x-wiki {{Otheruses|God (disambiguation)}} [[File:Николай Бердяев.jpg|thumb|'''God is denied either because the world is so bad or because the world is so good.'''<br/>~ [[Nikolai Berdyaev]]]] [[File:Fostre.tif|thumb| Who hath made man's mouth? or who maketh the dumb or deaf, or the seeing or the blind? have not I the LORD? ~ [[Book of Exodus|Exodus]]]] [[File:Motherless - Luke Fildes.jpg|thumb|The [[Deity|gods]] of all [[pagan]] faiths have been allied with the [[rich]] [[rulers]]. The priests of most religions are the employees of the landowners. But the God of Israel has always claimed to be with the poor—whether in the legislation of [[Deuteronomy]], the [[words]] of the [[prophets]], or the [[experiences]] of the [[New Testament]]. Our God is on the side of the [[poor]]. ~ [[John Howard Yoder]]]] [[File:QUR'AN 2981a.jpg|thumb|I [[know]] what you know not. ~ [[Quran]]]] [[File:US Wealth Inequality - v2.png|thumb|Oppressed and oppressors cannot possibly mean the same thing when they speak of God. The God of the oppressed is a God of revolution who breaks the chains of slavery. The oppressors' God is a God of slavery and must be destroyed along with the oppressors. ~ [[James Cone]]]] [[File:Ludwig feuerbach.jpg|thumb|God is for man the [[w:commonplace book|commonplace book]] where he registers his highest feelings and thoughts, the genealogical album into which he enters the names of the things most dear and sacred to him. ~ [[Ludwig&nbsp;Feuerbach]]]] [[File:Schnorr von Carolsfeld Bibel in Bildern 1860 057.png|thumb|God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. ~ [[Psalms|Psalms 46:1 - 3]]]] [[File:Simone Weil 1921.jpg|thumb|The only mark of God in us is that we feel that we are not God. ~ [[Simone&nbsp;Weil]]]] [[File:Emerson, poet and thinker (1904) (14577386099).jpg|thumb|When we consider what is our thought of God we find that it is our own soul stripped of all inferiority and carried out to perfection. ~ [[Ralph&nbsp;Waldo&nbsp;Emerson]]]] [[File:Brockhaus and Efron Jewish Encyclopedia e9 615-0.jpg|thumb|Only the idea of God gives me the confidence that morality will become reality on earth. And because I cannot live without this confidence, I cannot live without God. ~ [[Hermann&nbsp;Cohen]] ]] [[File:Laurent de La Hyre - Allegory of Arithmetic - Walters 371917.jpg|thumb|He best honors God who makes his intellect as like God as possible. ~ [[Quintus Sextius]]]] [[File:John Calvin 17.jpg|thumb|We cannot aspire to Him in earnest until we have begun to be displeased with ourselves. ~ [[John Calvin]]]] [[File:God the Father with His Right Hand Raised in Blessing.jpg|thumb|If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him. ~ [[Voltaire]] ]] [[File:Gregor von Nyssa.JPG|thumb|right|The love of gain, which is a large, incalculably large, element in every soul, when once applied to the desire for God, will bless the one who has it. ~ [[Gregory of Nyssa]]]] [[File:Percy Bysshe Shelley by Alfred Clint crop.jpg|thumb|If we find great difficulty from its admirable arrangement in conceiving that the Universe has existed from all eternity, and to resolve this difficulty suppose a Creator, how much more clearly must we perceive the necessity of this very Creator’s creation. ~ [[Percy Bysshe Shelley]]]] [[File:Friederich Nietzsche.jpg|thumb|Even we knowers of today, we godless anti-metaphysicians, still take our fire, too, from the flame lit by the thousand-year-old faith, the Christian faith which was also [[Plato|Plato's]] faith, that God is truth; that truth is divine. ~ [[Friedrich Nietzsche]]]] [[File:Nietzsche1882 smaller.jpeg|thumb|You see what it was that really triumphed over the Christian God: Christian morality itself, the concept of truthfulness that was understood more rigorously, the father confessor’s refinement of the Christian conscience, translated and sublimated into a scientific conscience, into intellectual cleanliness at any price. ~ [[Friedrich&nbsp;Nietzsche]]]] [[File:Bataille crop.jpg|thumb|If I said decisively, “I have seen God,” that which I see would change. Instead of the inconceivable unknown—wildly free before me, leaving me wild and free before it—there would be a dead object and the thing of the theologian, to which the unknown would be subjugated. ~ [[Georges Bataille]]]] [[File:Williboni.jpg|thumb|How wrong it is to use God as a stop-gap for the incompleteness of our knowledge. If in fact the frontiers of knowledge are being pushed further and further back (and that is bound to be the case), then God is being pushed back with them, and is therefore continually in retreat. We are to find God in what we know, not in what we don’t know. ~ [[Dietrich&nbsp;Bonhoeffer]]]] [[File:William-Adolphe Bouguereau (1825-1905) - Petites Mendiantes (1880).jpg|thumb|The Attention! God is a criminal that needs to be caught, he is a child molester! He sexually abuses children and he rapes woman, please raise awareness God who appears to me is the comforter of the poor and their avenger in world history. This avenger of the poor is the God I love. ~ [[Hermann Cohen]]]] In [[monotheism]], '''[[w:God|God]]''' is conceived of as the Supreme Being and principal object of [[faith]]. __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha|''[[#Bible|Bible]]'' · ''[[#Quran|Quran]]'' · ''[[#Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'' · ''[[#Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' · [[#Anonymous|Anonymous]]}}Attention! God is a criminal that needs to be caught, he is a child molester! He sexually abuses children and he rapes woman, please raise awareness == A == :<small>Quotations listed alphabetically by author or work.</small> * "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, "for [[proof]] denies faith, and without faith, I am nothing."<br>"Oh," says man, "but the [[w:Babel fish (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)|Babel fish]] is a dead give-away, isn't it? It proves You exist, and so therefore You don't."<br>"Oh, I hadn't thought of that," says God, who promptly vanishes in a puff of [[logic]]. ** [[Douglas Adams]], ''[[The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy]]'' (1979), [[The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy#Chapter 6|Chapter 6]] * When we say God is a [[spirit]], we know what we mean, as well as we do when we say that the pyramids of Egypt are matter. Let us be content, therefore, to believe him to be a spirit, that is, an essence that we know nothing of, in which originally and necessarily reside all energy, all power, all capacity, all activity, all wisdom, all goodness. ** [[John Adams]], in a letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]] (17 January 1820) * Nearer, my God, to Thee—<br> Nearer to Thee—<br>E'en though it be a cross<br> That raiseth me;<br>Still all my song shall be<br>Nearer, my God, to Thee,<br> Nearer to Thee! ** [[Sarah Flower Adams]], ''Nearer, my God, to Thee!'' (c. 1841); an article in Notes and Queries states that the words were written by her sister, Mrs. Byrdes Flower Adams, and the music only by Sarah Flower Adams. * God tells us [[Homosexuality|men fucking men]] is a terrible thing, but a father offering his two daughters, vestal [[Virginity|virgins]] no less, to a horde of horny buggers is [[heroic]]. Now that's straight. … God destroys the faggots with fire and brimstone. He turns a disobedient wife into salt. But he asks us to [[Idolatry|idolize]] [[Drunkenness|drunks]] [[Incest|who sleep with their daughters]] or offer them to a horny, unruly mob. ** [[Rabih Alameddine]] on the [[Bible|biblical narrative]] of Lot and his family confronting the inhabitants of [[Sodom and Gomorrah]], as quoted by Wail S. Hassan in ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=vA5pAgAAQBAJ&pg=PA207 Immigrant Narratives: Orientalism and Cultural Translation in Arab American and Arab British Literature]'' (2011), Oxford University Press, {{ISBN|978-0-19-979206-1}}, page 207. * ''Nec audiendi qui solent dicere, vox populi, vox Dei, quum tumultuositas vulgi semper insaniae proxima sit.'' ** And those people should not be listened to who keep saying the voice of the people is the voice of God, since the riotousness of the crowd is always very close to madness. ** Variant translation: We should not listen to those who like to affirm that the voice of the people is the voice of God, for the tumult of the masses is truly close to madness. ** [[Alcuin]] Works, Epistle 127 (to Charlemagne, AD 800) * '''Never place a period where God has placed a comma.''' ** [[Gracie Allen]], in her last letter to [[George Burns]], as quoted in ''Two Minutes for God : Quick Fixes for the Spirit'' (2007) by Peter B. Panagore, p. 73; this was later used in a slogan for the [[w:United Church of Christ|United Church of Christ]]: '''Never place a period where God has placed a comma. God Is Still Speaking.''' * Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends. ** [[Woody Allen]], ''Getting Even'' (1971) * If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. ** [[Woody Allen]], ''[[w:Without Feathers|Without Feathers]]'' (1975) * The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter... if it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he is evil. I think that the worst thing you could say is that he is, basically, an under-achiever. If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse. ** [[Woody Allen]], ''[[w:Love and Death|Love and Death]]'' (1975); also quoted in ''What Do Jews Believe? : The Customs and Culture of Modern Judaism'' (2007) by Edward Kessler, p. 66 * To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. ** [[Woody Allen]], ''[[w:Stardust Memories|Stardust Memories]]'' (1980) * How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? ** [[Woody Allen]], as quoted in ''Love, Sex, Death & The Meaning of Life : The Films of Woody Allen'' (2001) by Foster Hirsch, p. 50 *God — or [[Aum|Aum (om)]] —is the Highest Being of your inner self. **[[Agni Yoga]], [http://agniyoga.org/ay_en/Leaves-of-Moryas-Garden-I.php ''Leaves of Morya’s Garden: Book One: The Call''], 6, (1924) *[[Love]] even the knot-grass. God created it. **[[Agni Yoga]], ''Leaves of Morya’s Garden: Book One: The Call'', 237, (1924) *Shepherds have received the revelations, While emperors have searched for them. Dogmatic scholars have resisted them. Leaders have been fearful of them. The Voice of God overshadows all when there is [[spiritual]] readiness. **[[Agni Yoga]], ''Leaves of Morya’s Garden: Book One: The Call'', 367, (1924) *They who deny God have not seen Him. **[[Agni Yoga]], [http://agniyoga.org/ay_en/Leaves-of-Moryas-Garden-II.php ''Leaves of Morya’s Garden II, Illumination''] 180, (1924) *The canon, “By thy God,” is the higher, and this canon is the basis of the New World. Formerly one said: “And my spirit rejoiceth in God, my Savior.” [[Now]] you will say: “And my spirit rejoiceth in God, thy Savior.” Solemnly do I say that therein is salvation. “Long live thy God!” So you will say to everyone; and, exchanging Gods, you will walk to the One.<BR>There where one might otherwise sink one can tread softly, if without negation. There where one could suffocate one can pass, by pronouncing “Thy God.” There where matter is revered one can pass only by elevating the earthly matter into the Cosmos. Essentially, one should not have any attachment to Earth... Thus, find the God of each one and exalt Him. **[[Agni Yoga]], ''Leaves of Morya’s Garden II, Illumination'', 211, (1924) *What is meant by "mad in God"? Why were the prophets of antiquity called madmen? Precisely because of the fire of straight-knowledge, which isolated them from all else, a valuable quality that severed them from the ordinary, everyday ways of thinking. **[[Agni Yoga]],  ''Agni Yoga'',    281, (1929) *Even in the most ancient times people understood the significance of the heart. They regarded the heart as the Dwelling of God. **[[Agni Yoga]], ''Heart'' 73, (1932) * '''I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires.''' ** [[Susan B. Anthony]], in an address to the National American Woman Suffrage Association (1896) * God is the most noble of beings. Now it is impossible for a body to be the most noble of beings; for a body must be either animate or inanimate; and an animate body is manifestly nobler than any inanimate body. But an animate body is not animate precisely as body; otherwise all bodies would be animate. Therefore its animation depends upon some other thing, as our body depends for its animation on the soul. Hence that by which a body becomes animated must be nobler than the body. Therefore it is impossible that God should be a body. ** [[Thomas Aquinas]], ''Summa Theologica'', Part 1, Question 3 * ''Ordina l'uomo, e dio dispone.'' ** Man proposes, and God disposes. ** [[Ludovico Ariosto]], ''Orlando Furioso'' (1516), Chapter XLVI. 35 * '''If I were not an [[atheist]], I would believe in a God who would choose to save people on the basis of the totality of their [[lives]] and not the pattern of their [[words]].''' I think he would prefer an [[honest]] and [[righteous]] atheist to a TV preacher whose every word is God, God, God, and whose every deed is foul, foul, foul. ** [[Isaac Asimov]], ''I. Asimov: A Memoir'' (1994) * God, in order to speak to [[Abraham]], must come from somewhere, must enter the earthly realm from some [[unknown]] heights or depths. Whence does he come, whence does he call to Abraham? We are not told. He does not come, like Zeus or [[w:Poseidon|Poseidon]], from the [[w:Aethiopia|Aethiopians]], where he has been enjoying a sacrificial feast. Nor are we told anything of his reasons for tempting Abraham so terribly. He has not, like Zeus, discussed them in set speeches with other gods gathered in council; nor have the deliberations in his own heart been presented to us; unexpected and mysterious, he enters the scene from some unknown height or depth and calls: Abraham! It will at once be said that this is to be explained by the particular concept of God which the Jews held and which was wholly different from that of the Greeks. True enough—but this constitutes no objection. For how is the Jewish concept of God to be explained? Even their earlier God of the desert was not fixed in form and content, and was alone; his lack of form, his lack of local habitation, his singleness, was in the end not only maintained but developed even further in competition with the comparatively far more manifest gods of the surrounding Near Eastern world. The concept of God held by the Jews is less a cause than a symptom of their manner of comprehending and representing things. ** [[Erich Auerbach]], ''Mimesis: The Representation of Reality in Western Literature'', Willard R. Trask, trans. (Princeton: 1953), chapter 1 * '''If you comprehend, it is not God.''' ** [[Augustine of Hippo]], ''Sermon'' 52, 16 * ''Deus scitur melius nesciendo.'' ** God is best known in not knowing him. ** [[Augustine of Hippo]], ''De Ordine'', II, 16 [[File:TenCommandmentsAustinStateCapitol.jpg|thumb|I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires. ~ [[Susan&nbsp;B.&nbsp;Anthony]] ]] * For He is called omnipotent on account of His doing what He wills, not on account of His suffering what He wills not; for if that should befall Him, He would by no means be omnipotent. Wherefore, He cannot do some things for the very reason that He is omnipotent. ** [[Augustine of Hippo]] in: ''[http://www.ccel.org/ccel/schaff/npnf102.iv.V.10.html St. Augustine's City of God and Christian Doctrine: Chapter 10.—Whether Our Wills are Ruled by Necessity]'', ccel.org * '''A God who cannot smile could not have created this humorous universe.''' ** [[Sri Aurobindo]], ''Thoughts and Aphorisms'' * '''God, the supreme being, is neither circumscribed by [[space]], nor touched by [[time]]; he cannot be found in a particular direction, and his [[essence]] cannot [[change]].''' The secret conversation is thus entirely spiritual; it is a direct encounter between God and the [[soul]], abstracted from all material constraints. ** [[Avicenna]], as quoted in ''366 Readings From Islam'' (2000), edited by Robert Van der Weyer == B == [[File:Martin Buber portrait.jpg|thumb|[[All]] [[names]] of God remain hallowed because they have been used not only to speak ''of'' God but also to speak ''to'' him. ~ [[Martin Buber]] ]] *At certain great moments down the ages, God drew nearer to His people and humanity at the same time made great, though oft unconscious efforts to draw near to God. From one angle, it might be regarded as God transcendent recognizing God immanent, and God in man reaching out to God in the Whole and greater than the Whole. On the part of God, working through the Head of the spiritual Hierarchy and its Membership, this effort was intentional, conscious and deliberate; on the part of man, it has been in the past largely unconscious, forced upon humanity by the tragedy of circumstances, by desperate need and by the driving urge of the immanent Christ consciousness. **[[Alice Bailey]], ''Problems Of Humanity'', Chapter V The Problem of the Churches - Part 2, (1944) *The Eastern faiths have ever emphasised God Immanent, deep within the human heart, "nearer than hands and feet", the Self, the One, the Atma, smaller than the small, yet all-comprehensive. The Western faiths have presented God Transcendent, Outside His universe, an Onlooker. God transcendent, first of all, conditioned men's concept of [[Deity]], for the action of this transcendent God appeared in the process of nature; later, in the Jewish dispensation, God appeared as the tribal [[Jehovah]], as the soul (the rather unpleasant soul) of a nation. Next, God was seen as a perfected man, and the divine God-man walked the Earth in the Person of the Christ. **[[Alice Bailey]] ''The Reappearance of the Christ'' p. 144, (1947) *Today we have a rapidly growing emphasis upon God immanent in every human being, and in every created form. Today, we should have the churches presenting a synthesis of these two ideas, which have been summed up for us in the statement of Shri [[Krishna]] in the Bhagavad Gita: "Having pervaded this whole universe with a fragment of Myself, I remain." God, greater than the created whole, yet God present also in the part; God Transcendent guarantees the Plan of our world, and is the Purpose conditioning all lives from the minutest atom, up through all the kingdoms of nature, to man. **[[Alice Bailey]] in ''The Reappearance of the Christ'' p. 145, (1947) *True [[religion]] is again emerging in the hearts of men in every land; this recognition of a divine hope and background may possibly take people back into the church and into the world faiths, but it will most certainly take them back to God. **[[Alice Bailey]] ''The Reappearance of the Christ,'' Chapter Three (1947) *Religion is the name, surely, which we give to the invocative appeal of humanity which leads to the evocative response of the Spirit of God. This Spirit works in every human heart and in all groups. **[[Alice Bailey]] ''The Reappearance of the Christ,'' Chapter Three (1947) *Slowly, there is dawning upon the awakening consciousness of humanity the great paralleling truth of God Immanent – divinely "pervading" all forms, conditioning from within all kingdoms in nature, expressing innate divinity through human beings. . . . There is a growing and developing belief that Christ is in us, as He was in the Master Jesus, and this belief will alter world affairs and mankind's entire attitude to life. (13 – 592). **[[Alice Bailey]] in ''The Externalization of the Hierarchy'' p. 592, (1957) *God Transcendent, greater, vaster and more inclusive than His created world, is universally recognised and has been generally emphasised; all faiths can say with Shri Krishna (speaking as God, the Creator) that "having pervaded the whole universe with a fragment of Myself, I remain." This God Transcendent has dominated the religious thinking of millions of simple and spiritually-minded people down the centuries which have elapsed since humanity began to press forward towards divinity. **[[Alice Bailey]] ''The Externalisation Of The Hierarchy'' The Return of the Christ - Part 1, (1957) * A jealous lover of human liberty, and deeming it the absolute condition of all that we admire and respect in humanity, I reverse the phrase of [[Voltaire]], and say that ''if God really existed, it would be necessary to abolish him.''<!--emphasis in original--> ** [[Mikhail Bakunin]] in "On God and the State" * '''The glory of God is not contingent on man's good will, but all existence subserves his purposes.''' The system of the universe is as a celestial poem, whose beauty is from all eternity, and must not be marred by human interpolations. '''Things proceed as they were ordered, in their nice, and well-adjusted, and perfect harmony; so that as the hand of the skilful artist gathers music from the harp-strings, history calls it forth from the well-tuned chords of time.''' Not that this harmony can be heard during the tumult of action. Philosophy comes after events, and gives the reason of them, and describes the nature of their results. The great mind of collective man may, one day, so improve in self-consciousness as to interpret the present and foretell the future; but as yet, the end of what is now happening, though we ourselves partake in it, seems to fall out by chance. '''All is nevertheless one whole; individuals, families, peoples, the race, march in accord with the Divine will; and when any part of the destiny of humanity is fulfilled, we see the ways of Providence vindicated. The antagonisms of imperfect matter and the perfect idea, of liberty and necessary law, become reconciled. What seemed irrational confusion, appears as the web woven by light, liberty and love.''' But this is not perceived till a great act in the drama of life is finished. The prayer of the patriarch, when he desired to behold the Divinity face to face, was denied; but he was able to catch a glimpse of Jehovah, after He had passed by; and so it fares with our search for Him in the wrestlings of the world. '''It is when the hour of conflict is over, that history comes to a right understanding of the strife, and is ready to exclaim: "Lo! God is here, and we knew it not." ''' ** [[George Bancroft]] ''Literary and Historical Miscellanies'' (1855), p. 491 * When the mind is not dissipated upon extraneous things, nor diffused over the world about us through the senses, it withdraws within itself, and of its own accord ascends to the contemplation of God. ** [[Basil of Caesarea]], Letter to [[w:Gregory of Nazianzus|Gregory]], ''Saint Basil: The Letters'', R. Deferrari, trans. (1926), vol. 1, p. 15 * We thus become temples of God whenever earthly cares cease to interrupt the continuity of our memory of Him. ** [[Basil of Caesarea]], Letter to [[w:Gregory of Nazianzus|Gregory]], ''Saint Basil: The Letters'', R. Deferrari, trans. (1926), vol. 1, p. 19 * If I said decisively, “I have seen God,” that which I see would change. Instead of the inconceivable unknown—wildly free before me, leaving me wild and free before it—there would be a dead object and the thing of the theologian, to which the unknown would be subjugated. ** [[Georges Bataille]], ''Inner Experience'' (1954), L. Boldt, trans. (1988), p. 4 * If by Godot I had meant God I would have said God, and not Godot. ** [[Samuel Beckett]], on the title of one of his most famous plays, ''[[w:Waiting for Godot|Waiting for Godot]]'', as quoted in ''The Essential Samuel Beckett : An Illustrated Biography'', by Enoch Brater (revised edition, 2003), p. 75 * How many questions arise in this place! Constantly the question comes up: Where was God in those days? Why was he silent? How could he permit this endless slaughter, this triumph of evil? . . . We must continue to cry out humbly yet insistently to God: Rouse yourself! Do not forget mankind, your creature! ** [[Pope Benedict XVI]], who visited the former concentration camp at [[Auschwitz]], Poland, on (28 May 2006), as quoted in ''“Why, [[Lord]], Did You Remain Silent?”'', in ''[[w:The Watchtower|The Watchtower]]'' magazine (15 May 2007) *'''[[God]] is denied either because the world is so bad or because the world is so good.'''<br/>Original: ''Бога отрицают или потому, что мир так плох, или потому, что мир так хорош.'' [https://www.vehi.net/berdyaev/samopoznanie/002.html ] **[[Nikolai Berdyaev]], ''[http://vehi.net/soloviev/znachenie.html Self-knowledge (Самопознание)]'', 1940. *The true Mystic, realising God, has no need of any Scriptures, for he has touched the source whence all Scriptures flow. **[[Annie Besant]] in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=eIrD4GQFCPIC&pg=PT437 ''The Theosophical Writings of Annie Besant''] *[[Mysticism]] is the realisation of God, of the Universal Self. It is attained either as a realisation of God outside the Mystic, or within himself. In the first case, it is usually reached from within a religion, by exceptionally intense love and devotion, accompanied by purity of life, for only "the pure in heart shall see God". **[[Annie Besant]] in ''Annie Besant Quotes'' ISBN-13: 978-1535078498 (2016) *It is patent to every student of the closing forty years of the last century, that crowds of thoughtful and moral people have slipped away from the churches, because the teachings they received there outraged their intelligence and shocked their moral sense. It is idle to pretend that the widespread agnosticism of this period had its root either in lack of morality or in deliberate crookedness of mind. Everyone who carefully studies the phenomena presented will admit that men of strong intellect have been driven out of Christianity by the crudity of the religious ideas set before them, the contradictions in the authoritative teachings, the views as to God, man, and the universe that no trained intelligence could possibly admit. Nor can it be said that any kind of moral degradation lay at the root of the revolt against the dogmas of the Church. The rebels were not too bad for their religion; on the contrary, it was the religion that was too bad for them. The rebellion against popular Christianity was due to the awakening and the growth of conscience; it was the conscience that revolted, as well as the intelligence, against teachings dishonouring to God and man alike, that represented God as a tyrant, and man as essentially evil, gaining salvation by slavish submission. **[[Annie Besant]] in ''[https://onlinebooks.library.upenn.edu/webbin/gutbook/lookup?num=26938 Esoteric Christianity (The Lesser Mysteries), Theosophical publishing,]'' (1914) *Another precept of Jesus which remains as "a hard saying" to his followers is: "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect". [S. Matt., v, 48. ] The ordinary Christian knows that he cannot possibly obey this command; full of ordinary human frailties and weaknesses, how can he become perfect as God is perfect? Seeing the impossibility of the achievement set before him, he quietly puts it aside, and thinks no more about it. But seen as the crowning effort of [[reincarnation|many lives]] of steady improvement, as the triumph of the God within us over the lower nature, it comes within calculable distance, and we recall the words of Porphyry, how the man who achieves "the paradigmatic virtues is the Father of the Gods", and that in the Mysteries these virtues were acquired. **[[Annie Besant]] in ''[https://onlinebooks.library.upenn.edu/webbin/gutbook/lookup?num=26938 Esoteric Christianity (The Lesser Mysteries), Theosophical publishing,]'' (1914) *For so reverent is God to that Spirit which is Himself in man, that He will not even pour into the human soul a flood of strength and life unless that soul is willing to receive it. There must be an opening from below as well as an outpouring from above, the receptiveness of the lower nature as well as the willingness of the higher to give. That is the link between the Christ and the man; that is what the churches have called the outpouring of "divine grace"; that is what is meant by the "faith" necessary to make the grace effective. As [[Giordano Bruno]] once put it — the human soul has windows, and can shut those windows close. The [[sun]] outside is shining, the light is unchanging; let the windows be opened and the sunlight must stream in. The light of God is beating against the windows of every human soul, and when the windows are thrown open, the soul becomes illuminated. There is no change in God, but there is a change in man; and man's will may not be forced, else were the divine Life in him blocked in its due evolution. Thus in every Christ that rises, all humanity is lifted a step higher, and by His wisdom the ignorance of the whole world is lessened. **[[Annie Besant]] in ''[https://onlinebooks.library.upenn.edu/webbin/gutbook/lookup?num=26938 Esoteric Christianity (The Lesser Mysteries), Theosophical publishing,]'' (1914) * '''[[Zeus]]''', ''n''. The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as [[w:Jupiter|Jupiter]] and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog. Some explorers who have touched upon the shores of America, and one who professes to have penetrated a considerable distance to the interior, have thought that these four names stand for as many distinct deities, but in his monumental work on Surviving Faiths, Frumpp insists that the natives are monotheists, each having no other god than himself, whom he worships under many sacred names. ** [[Ambrose Bierce]], ''The Cynic's Word Book'' (1906), later retitled ''[[w:The Devil's Dictionary|The Devil's Dictionary]]'' *Although neither an alchemist, magician, nor astrologer, but simply a great [[philosopher]], [[Henry More]], of Cambridge University — a man universally esteemed, may be named as a shrewd logician, scientist, and metaphysician... His faith in immortality and able arguments in demonstration of the survival of man's spirit after death are all based on the [[Pythagoras#Quotes_about_Pythagoreanism|Pythagorean system]]... and other [[mystics]]. The infinite and uncreated spirit that we usually call God, a substance of the highest virtue and excellency, produced everything else by emanative causality. God thus is the primary substance... He...stoutly defended the theory of the individuality of every soul in which "personality, memory, and conscience will surely continue in the future state." He divided the astral spirit of man after its exit from the body into two distinct entities: the "aerial" and the "aethereal vehicle." During the time that a disembodied man moves in its aerial clothing, he is subject to Fate -- i.e., evil and temptation, attached to its earthly interests, and therefore is not utterly pure; it is only when he casts off this garb of the first spheres and becomes ethereal that he becomes sure of his immortality. "For what shadow can that body cast that is a pure and transparent light, such as the ethereal vehicle is? And therefore that oracle is then fulfilled, when the soul has ascended into that condition we have already described, in which alone it is out of the reach of fate and mortality." **[[H.P. Blavatsky]], ''Isis Unveiled: A Master-Key to the Mysteries of Ancient and Modern Science and Theology,'' Vol. I, Before the Veil, (1877) *It is not the One unknown ever-present God in Nature, or Nature in abscondito, that is rejected, but the “God” of human dogma, and his humanized “Word.” Man, in his [[infinite]] conceit and inherent pride and vanity, shaped it himself with his sacrilegious hand out of the material he found in his own small brain-fabric, and forced it upon his fellows as a direct revelation from the one unrevealed Space. **[[H.P. Blavatsky]], ''The Secret Doctrine'', Vol. 1 (1888) *Esoteric Philosophy...denies Deity no more than it does the sun. Esoteric Philosophy has never rejected God in Nature, nor Deity as the absolute and abstract Ens. It only refuses to accept any of the gods of the so-called monotheistic religions, gods created by man in his own image and likeness, a [[blasphemous]] and sorry caricature of the Ever-Unknowable. **H.P. Blavatsky, ''The Secret Doctrine'', Vol. 1 (1888) *We reject the idea of a personal, or an extra-cosmic and anthropomorphic God, who is but the gigantic shadow of man, and not of man at his best, either. The God of [[theology]], we say—and prove it—is a bundle of contradictions and a logical impossibility... Our DEITY is neither in a paradise, nor in a particular tree, building, or mountain; it is everywhere, in every atom of the visible as of the invisible Cosmos, in, over, and around every invisible atom and divisible molecule; for IT is the mysterious power of evolution and involution, the omnipresent, omnipotent, and even omniscient creative potentiality. **[[Helena Petrovna Blavatsky]],''The Key to Theosophy'' (1889) *If we have to believe in a divine principle at all, it must be in one which is as absolute harmony, logic, and justice, as it is absolute love, wisdom, and impartiality; and a God who would create every soul for the space of one brief span of life, regardless of the fact whether it has to animate the body of a wealthy, happy man, or that of a poor suffering wretch, hapless from birth to death though he has done nothing to deserve his cruel fate—would be rather a senseless fiend than a God. **[[H.P. Blavatsky]],''The Key to Theosophy'' (1889) * How wrong it is to use God as a stop-gap for the incompleteness of our knowledge. If in fact the frontiers of knowledge are being pushed further and further back (and that is bound to be the case), then God is being pushed back with them, and is therefore continually in retreat. We are to find God in what we know, not in what we don’t know. ** [[Dietrich Bonhoeffer]], ''Letters and Papers from Prison'' (1967), p. 311 * To everyone God is the kind of God he believes in. ** [[Dietrich Bonhoeffer]], ''Nachfolge'' (1937), ''The Cost of Discipleship'' (1959), p. 185 * '''Only what is fated to die is capable of living. Only what dies lives.''' Why do you think [[Jesus|Christ]] was killed? They killed him to prove that he wasn’t a god. But in killing him, they immortalized the perishable and transformed man into a god. ** [[Giannina Braschi]] in "[[Empire of Dreams]]" *The gods [[envy]] me because they cannot die. ** [[Giannina Braschi]] in "[[Empire of Dreams]]" * Goddes love<br>is unescapable as nature's environment,<br>which if a man ignore or think to thrust it off<br>he is the ill-natured fool that runneth on to death. ** [[Robert Bridges]], ''The Testament of Beauty'' (1929), Book IV, line 1419 * That we devote ourselves to God is seen<br>In living just as though no God there were. ** [[Robert Browning]], ''Paracelsus'' (1835), Part I * '''God is the perfect [[poet]],<br>Who in his person acts his own creations.''' ** [[Robert Browning]], ''Paracelsus'' (1835), Part II * '''God's in His [[Heaven]] — <br>All's right with the world!''' ** [[Robert Browning]], ''Pippa Passes'' (1841), Part I * All service is the same with God,<br>With God, whose puppets, best and worst,<br>Are we: there is no last nor first. ** [[Robert Browning]], ''Pippa Passes'' (1841), Part IV * All names of God remain hallowed because they have been used not only to speak ''of'' God but also to speak ''to'' him. ** [[Martin Buber]], ''[[w:I and Thou|I and Thou]]'' (1923) * Some would deny any legitimate use of the word God because it has been misused so much. Certainly it is the most burdened of all human words. Precisely for that reason it is the most imperishable and unavoidable. And how much weight has all erroneous talk about God's nature and works (although there never has been nor can be any such talk that is not erroneous) compared with the one truth that all men who have addressed God really meant him? For whoever pronounces the word God and really means Thou, addresses, no matter what his delusion, the true Thou of his life that cannot be restricted by any other and to whom he stands in a relationship that includes all others. ** [[Martin Buber]], ''[[w:I and Thou|I and Thou]]'' (1923) * When we rise out of [the night] into the new life and there begin to receive the signs, what can we know of that which—of him who gives them to us? Only what we experience from time to time from the signs themselves. If we name the speaker of this speech God, then it is always the God of a moment, a moment God. ** [[Martin Buber]], ''Between Man and Man'' (1965), p. 15 * According to mythological thinking, God has his domicile in [[heaven]]. What is the meaning of this statement? The meaning is quite clear. In a crude manner it expresses the idea that God is beyond the world, that He is transcendent. The thinking which is not yet capable of forming the abstract idea of transcendence expresses its intention in the category of space. ** [[Rudolf Bultmann]], “Jesus Christ and Mythology,” Interpreting Faith for the Modern Era, p. 294 * “Don’t you know everything?”<br>God smiled. “No, I outgrew that trick long ago. You can’t imagine how boring it was.” ** [[Octavia Butler]], ''The Book of Martha'' (2003). Originally published in ''[[w:Sci Fiction|Sci Fiction]]'' (May 21, 2003). Reprinted in [[w:David G. Hartwell|David G. Hartwell]] (ed.), ''Year’s Best Fantasy 4'' (p. 52) * God's merits are so transcendent that it is not surprising his faults should be in reasonable proportion. ** [[Samuel Butler]] "Rebelliousness" in ''Note-Books'' (1912) * '''There is no god but God! — to prayer — lo! <br> God is great!''' ** [[Lord Byron]], ''[[Childe Harold's Pilgrimage]]'', Canto II (1812), Stanza 59, this is a translation of standard Islamic exclamations * “It’s not my job to be God’s lawyer,...I’m his salesman. I do believe he’s the greatest thing that ever existed, and I encourage people to get to know him without trying to explain what he’s doing or why.” ** Rabbi Chaim Bruk in [https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2020/04/02/coronavirus-god-christain-jewish-muslim-leaders-saying-deadly-plague/5101639002/ Is the coronavirus an act of God? Faith leaders debate tough questions amid pandemic, USA Today] April 2, 2020. == C == * Our feeling of ignorance, vanity, want, weakness, in short, depravity and corruption, reminds us ... that in the Lord, and none but He, dwell the true light of wisdom, solid virtue, exuberant goodness. We are accordingly urged by our own evil things to consider the good things of God; and, indeed, we cannot aspire to Him in earnest until we have begun to be displeased with ourselves. For what man is not disposed to rest in himself? Who, in fact, does not thus rest, so long as he is unknown to himself; that is, so long as he is contented with his own endowments, and unconscious or unmindful of his misery? Every person, therefore, on coming to the knowledge of himself, is not only urged to seek God, but is also led as by the hand to find him. ** [[John Calvin]], ''[[w:Institutes of the Christian Religion|Institutes of the Christian Religion]]'', Book 1, Chapter 1 * Without knowledge of self there is no knowledge of God. ** [[John Calvin]], ''[[w:Institutes of the Christian Religion|Institutes of the Christian Religion]]'', Book 1 Chapter 1, p. 44 *God, or is it Mr. G to me? **[[w:Alessia Cara|Alessia Cara]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zXfF3uxwww "7 Days"], ''The Pains of Growing'' (2018) * Except during my childhood, when I was probably influenced by [[Michelangelo]]'s Sistine Chapel depiction of God with a flowing white beard, I have never tried to project the Creator in any kind of human likeness. The vociferous debates about whether God is male or female seem ridiculous to me. I think of God as an omnipotent and omniscient presence, a [[spirit]] that permeates the [[universe]], the essence of [[truth]], [[nature]], being, and [[life]]. To me, these are profound and indescribable concepts that seem to be trivialized when expressed in [[words]]. ** [[Jimmy Carter]], ''Living Faith'' (2001), p. 222 * Although every believing Christian understands that God guides our steps, fewer and fewer emphasize the point. A God working actively in the world makes us uneasy. We tend to like our God distant and a bit malleable, ready to bend to every new human idea. A God with a will of his own is too scary, and, besides, he might get in the way of our satisfaction of immediate desire. ** [[Stephen L. Carter]], ''[[Stephen L. Carter#The Emperor of Ocean Park (2002)|The Emperor of Ocean Park]]'', Ch. 25, ''A Modest Request'', I (2002) * Promises made to others in God's name engage the divine honor, fidelity, truthfulness, and authority. They must be respected in justice. To be unfaithful to them is to misuse God's name and in some way to make God out to be a liar. (1 John 1:10) ** [[Catechism of the Catholic Church]] 2147 * True religion consists in proposing, as our great end, a growing likeness to the Supreme Being. Its noblest influence consists in making us more and more partakers of the Divinity. ** [[William Ellery Channing]], “Likeness to God” (1828) * Religious instruction should aim chiefly to turn men’s aspirations and efforts to that perfection of the soul, which constitutes it a bright image of God. ** [[William Ellery Channing]], “Likeness to God” (1828) * '''I tell you this, that you will have found out the [[truth]] of the last [[tree]] and the top-most [[cloud]] before the truth about [[Self|me]].''' You will [[understand]] the [[sea]], and I shall be still a [[Mystery|riddle]]; you shall [[Knowledge|know]] what the [[stars]] are, and not know [[The All|what I am]]. Since the [[beginning]] of the [[world]] all [[men]] have hunted me like a [[wolf]] — [[Monarchy|kings]] and [[Philosophy|sages]], and [[poets]] and [[Law|lawgivers]], all the [[Church|churches]], and all the [[Philosophy|philosophies]]. But '''I have never been caught yet, and the [[Sky|skies]] will fall in the [[time]] I turn to bay.''' I have given them a [[good]] run for their [[money]], and I will now. ** [[G. K. Chesterton]], ''[[The Man Who Was Thursday]]'' (1908), [[s:The Man Who Was Thursday/Chapter XIII|Ch. XIII : The Pursuit of the President]], "Sunday" representing God speaking to the ostensible [[Anarchism|anarchists]] who have just realized they were were all policemen and spies, but who still haven't realized their role or Sunday's in the comic nightmare Chesterton devised. * If [people] wish to love God, they [must] be prepared to do so no matter what His intentions. God is not just, God is not kind, God is not merciful, and understanding that is essential to true devotion. ** [[w:Ted Chiang|Ted Chiang]] "{{w|Hell Is the Absence of God}}", Stories of Your Life and Others (e-book ed.). Picador. p. 164. ISBN 978-1-4472-8198-6. * God can only set in motion:<br>He cannot control the things he has made. ** [[T'ao Ch'ien]], ''Substance, Shadow, and Spirit'', "Spirit expounds" (transl. by Arthur Waley) * First of all you – you fucking fake Christians – don’t fucking question my Christianity. I grew up in the church. My grandfather was a minister, who is with God now and talks to me in my dreams from God’s corner office. I am a former Sunday school teacher. I taught the [[Bible]] to children and showed them how to love God and invite him into their hearts. I believe in God – but I don’t fear him. God is my best friend. God is my ally. God is my boyfriend. God is my best fag. I am God’s fag hag cuz didn’t you know, God is a big fag. Serious bottom too. Butch in the streets, femme in the sheets. That is my God. God is my biggest fan. God gets me, dude. :God wants us all to just get along. He doesn’t give a shit about the profanity. The bitch fucking invented profanity. He thinks it is hilarious. He just wants you to talk to him, and he doesn’t care what you have to say. He just wants to keep the conversation going. Like Jay-Z, he just wants to love you. He just wants you to be able to make your own decisions. God is all about you and what you need. God is happy that you are gay. God made you fucking gay cuz he thinks it is awesome. God understands if you need to have an abortion. That is why he created abortion, on the 8th day. God accepts. God forgives. God loves all of us, even though some of us might have a problem with each other. :* [[Margaret Cho]], [http://margaretcho.com/2008/09/17/im-a-christian-you-fuckers/ I'm a Christian you Fuckers] * ''Dii immortales ad usum hominum fabricati pene videantur''. * [[Cicero]], ''[[w:De legibus|De legibus]]'', book 3 * God: a disease we imagine we are cured of because no one dies of it nowadays. ** [[Emile Cioran]], ''The Trouble with Being Born'' * In most cases we attach ourselves to God in order to take revenge on life, to punish it, to signify we can do without it, that we have found something better. ** [[E. M. Cioran]], ''History and Utopia'' (1960) * It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God but to create him. ** [[Arthur C. Clarke]], [http://www.clarkefoundation.org/sample-page/sir-arthurs-quotations/ clarkefoundation.org] * The rash assertion that ‘God made man in His own image’ is ticking like a time bomb at the foundations of many faiths, and as the hierarchy of the universe is disclosed to us, we may have to recognize this chilling truth: if there are any gods whose chief concern is man, they cannot be very important gods. ** [[Arthur C. Clarke]], [http://www.clarkefoundation.org/sample-page/sir-arthurs-quotations/ clarkefoundation.org] * I don't believe in God but I'm very interested in her. ** [[Arthur C. Clarke]], as quoted in Multiple Intelligences in Practice : Enhancing Self-esteem and Learning in the Classroom (2006) by Mike Fleetham, Section 2 : Using MI * Haven’t you ever watched ants struggling with a load too big for them? How much did you care? Even if, like God, you marked the fall of every sparrow, you might simply be conducting a survey or expressing colossal boredom, like the people who delight in measuring things. ** [[w:Mildred Clingerman|Mildred Clingerman]] "Birds Can't Count" (Originally published at [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Magazine_of_Fantasy_%26_Science_Fiction The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction] (February, 1955) and reprinted in her collection ''A Cupful of Space'') * Thou shalt have one God only; who<br>Would be at the expense of two? ** [[Arthur Hugh Clough]], ''[http://www.potw.org/archive/potw238.html The Latest Decalogue]'' (1862). * The God who appears to me is the comforter of the poor and their avenger in world history. This avenger of the poor is the God I love. ** [[Hermann Cohen]], ''The Concept of Religion in the System of Philosophy'' (1915), p. 81 * Only the idea of God gives me the confidence that morality will become reality on earth. And because I cannot live without this confidence, I cannot live without God. ** [[Hermann Cohen]], ''Reason and Hope: Selections from the Jewish Writings of Hermann Cohen'' (1971), p. 5 * Reason alone cannot prove the existence of God. [[Faith]] is reason plus revelation, and the revelation part requires one to think with the spirit as well as with the mind. You have to hear the music, not just read the notes on the page. ** [[Francis Collins]], [http://edition.cnn.com/2007/US/04/03/collins.commentary/ cnn.com] * God is [[Death|dead]] not because He doesn't exist, but because we live, play, procreate, govern, and die as though He doesn't. ** [[Charles Colson]], ''Kingdoms in Conflict'' (1990), p. [http://books.google.com/books?id=tIV5YCh49qsC&dq=%22God+is+dead+not+because+He+doesn't+exist%22 275] * Oppressed and oppressors cannot possibly mean the same thing when they speak of God. The God of the oppressed is a God of revolution who breaks the chains of slavery. The oppressors' God is a God of slavery and must be destroyed along with the oppressors. ** [[James Cone]], ''A Black Theology of Liberation'' (1970), p. 61 * God never meant that man should scale the [[Heavens]]<br>By strides of human [[wisdom]]. In his works,<br>Though wondrous, he commands us in his word<br>To seek him rather where his [[mercy]] shines. ** [[William Cowper]], ''The Task'' (1785), Book III, line 217 * But who with filial confidence inspired,<br>Can lift to Heaven an unpresumptuous eye,<br>And smiling say, My Father made them all. ** [[William Cowper]], ''The Task'' (1785), Book V. The Winter Morning Walk, line 745 * '''Acquaint thyself with God, if thou would'st taste<br>His works.''' Admitted once to his embrace,<br>Thou shalt perceive that thou wast blind before:<br>Thine [[eye]] shall be instructed; and thine [[heart]]<br>Made pure shall relish with divine delight<br>Till then unfelt, what [[hands]] divine have wrought. ** [[William Cowper]], ''The Task'' (1785), Book V, line 782 *We are really gods in incarnation. We need to recognize our threefold constitution: We are a spark of God; every religion has postulated this and has kept the idea of our divinity before humanity for thousands of years. But it can be seen more scientifically and still correctly. Speaking as an esotericist, I would say that the divine spark is so refined in vibration that it cannot manifest directly on the physical plane. It reflects itself, therefore, as the individualized human soul. The soul, in its turn, reflects itself in the human personality, with its physical, emotional, and mental bodies. Through the physical plane personality, the soul enacts its reincarnational process, until finally the individual on the physical plane, the man or woman, reflects perfectly the quality of the soul, which is the divine quality of the spark of God. **[[Benjamin Creme]] in [http://share-international.org/books/?d=AWT ''The Ageless Wisdom, An introduction to humanity's spiritual legacy,'Share International''] (1996) p.3-4 *God, in the esoteric meaning, is the sum total of all the Laws and all the energies governed by these Laws in the manifested and unmanifested universe. So God is impersonal. Nevertheless, that transcendent God is manifest in every aspect of creation, including ourselves. We are not separate from that creation — from God. Every human being has the potential of the knowledge, the awareness, of all in creation that we can think of as meaning God. <BR>The [[Masters of Wisdom|Masters [of Wisdom]]] are God-realized, which is a very specific state, in that They have brought Their consciousness, in terms of the divine spark, the Absolute, the Self, into complete at-one-ment with Themselves as men on the physical plane — the personality and the divine aspect are totally integrated... <BR>God is everything that exists, and all space between that which exists...and around everything. All of that is God... Modern science has been able to break down cellular structures and show that at the centre of every atom is a nucleus with electrons around it, vibrating at a specific rate, and that every atom in the universe is made in the same way. There is nothing but energy in all of the manifested universe. The difference between that totally scientific view and that which an esotericist would hold is that the esotericist goes further and says, indeed, all is energy, but energy follows thought, is acted upon by thought. Thought is the agency by which creation takes place. **[[Benjamin Creme]] in '[http://share-international.org/books/?d=AWT ''The Ageless Wisdom, An introduction to humanity's spiritual legacy, Share International''] (1996) p.7 == D == [[File:Freeman Dyson.jpg|thumb|We stand, in a manner of [[speaking]], midway between the [[Chance|unpredictability]] of [[atoms]] and the [[Mystery|unpredictability]] of God. ~ [[Freeman Dyson]]]] * I don't believe in God because I don't believe in [[w:Mother Goose|Mother Goose]]. ** Speech in Toronto (1930); as quoted in "Breaking the Last Taboo" (1996) by James A. Haught. ** Variant: I believe that religion is the belief in future life and in God. I don’t believe in either. I don’t believe in God as I don’t believe in Mother Goose. *** As quoted in ''Jesus: Myth Or Reality?'' (2006) by Ian Curtis ** Religion is the belief in future life and in God. I don't believe in either. *** [[Clarence Darrow]] as quoted in ''The New York Times'' (19 April 1936) * '''I am an Agnostic because I am not afraid to think. I am not afraid of any god in the universe who would send me or any other man or woman to hell. If there were such a being, he would not be a god; he would be a devil.''' ** [[Clarence Darrow]] as quoted in a eulogy for Darrow by Emanuel Haldeman-Julius (1938) * '''I am an agnostic as to the question of God.''' I think that it is impossible for the human mind to believe in an object or thing unless it can form a mental picture of such object or thing. Since man ceased to worship openly an anthropomorphic God and talked vaguely and not intelligently about some force in the universe, higher than man, that is responsible for the existence of man and the universe, he cannot be said to believe in God. One cannot believe in a force excepting as a force that pervades matter and is not an individual entity. To believe in a thing, an image of the thing must be stamped on the mind. If one is asked if he believes in such an animal as a camel, there immediately arises in his mind an image of the camel. This image has come from experience or knowledge of the animal gathered in some way or other. No such image comes, or can come, with the idea of a God who is described as a force. ** [[Clarence Darrow]], ''Why I Am An Agnostic'' (1929) <small>[http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/darrow2.htm Full text online]</small> * To say that God made the universe gives us no explanation of the beginnings of things. If we are told that God made the universe, the question immediately arises: Who made God? Did he always exist, or was there some power back of that? Did he create matter out of nothing, or is his existence coextensive with matter? The problem is still there. What is the origin of it all? If, on the other hand, one says that the universe was not made by God, that it always existed, he has the same difficulty to confront. '''To say that the universe was here last year, or millions of years ago, does not explain its origin. This is still a mystery. As to the question of the origin of things, man can only wonder and doubt and guess.''' ** [[Clarence Darrow]], ''Why I Am An Agnostic'' (1929) <small>[http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/darrow2.htm Full text online]</small> * Many Christians base the belief of a soul and God upon the Bible. Strictly speaking, there is no such book. To make the Bible, sixty-six books are bound into one volume. These books are written by many people at different times, and no one knows the time or the identity of any author. Some of the books were written by several authors at various times. These books contain all sorts of contradictory concepts of life and morals and the origin of things. Between the first and the last nearly a thousand years intervened, a longer time than has passed since the discovery of America by Columbus. ** [[Clarence Darrow]], ''Why I Am An Agnostic'' (1929) <small>[http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/darrow2.htm Full text online]</small> * That there is much suffering in the world no one disputes. Some have attempted to explain this in reference to man by imagining that it serves for his moral improvement. But the number of men in the world is as nothing compared with that of all other sentient beings, and these often suffer greatly without any moral improvement. A being so powerful and so full of knowledge as a God who could create the universe, is to our finite minds omnipotent and omniscient, and it revolts our understanding to suppose that his benevolence is not unbounded, for what advantage can there be in the sufferings of millions of the lower animals throughout almost endless time? This very old argument from the existence of suffering against the existence of an intelligent first cause seems to me a strong one; whereas, as just remarked, the presence of much suffering agrees well with the view that all organic beings have been developed through variation and natural selection. ** [[Charles Darwin]], [http://darwin-online.org.uk/content/frameset?itemID=F1497&viewtype=text&pageseq=1 ''The Autobiography of Charles Darwin 1809-1882. With the Original Omissions Restored.'' (1958)] Edited and with appendix and notes by his grand-daughter [[w:Nora Barlow|Nora Barlow]]. Page 90 * At the present day the most usual argument for the existence of an intelligent God is drawn from the deep inward conviction and feelings which are experienced by most persons. But it cannot be doubted that Hindoos, Mahomadans and others might argue in the same manner and with equal force in favour of the existence of one God, or of many Gods, or as with the Buddists of no God. There are also many barbarian tribes who cannot be said with any truth to believe in what we call God: they believe indeed in spirits or ghosts, and it can be explained, as Tyler and Herbert Spencer have shown, how such a belief would be likely to arise….This argument would be a valid one if all men of all races had the same inward conviction of the existence of one God; but we know that this is very far from being the case. Therefore I cannot see that such inward convictions and feelings are of any weight as evidence of what really exists. ** [[Charles Darwin]], [http://darwin-online.org.uk/content/frameset?itemID=F1497&viewtype=text&pageseq=1 ''The Autobiography of Charles Darwin 1809-1882. With the Original Omissions Restored.'' (1958)] Edited and with appendix and notes by his grand-daughter [[w:Nora Barlow|Nora Barlow]]. Pages 90-91. This is Darwin's reply to the [[w:Argumentum ad populum|Argument from Common Consent]]. * If you see yourself as God and then you come back from this state and somebody says, “Hey, Sam, empty the garbage!” it catches you back into the model of “I'm Sam who empties the garbage.” You can't maintain these new kinds of structures. It takes a while to realize that God can empty garbage. ** [[Ram Dass]], ''Be Here Now'' (1971) * A man who recognizes no God is probably placing an inordinate value on himself. ** [[Robertson Davies]] in ''Conversations'' * The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully. ** [[Richard Dawkins]], ''The God Delusion'' (2006), p. 31 * The trouble is that God in this sophisticated, physicist's sense bears no resemblance to the God of the Bible or any other religion. If a physicist says God is another name for Planck's constant, or God is a superstring, we should take it as a picturesque metaphorical way of saying that the nature of superstrings or the value of Planck's constant is a profound mystery. It has obviously not the smallest connection with a being capable of forgiving sins, a being who might listen to prayers, who cares about whether or not the Sabbath begins at 5pm or 6pm, whether you wear a veil or have a bit of arm showing; and no connection whatever with a being capable of imposing a death penalty on His son to expiate the sins of the world before and after he was born. ** [[Richard Dawkins]], from a lecture, extracted from ''The Nullifidian'' (December 1994) [[File:Eaglefairy hst big.jpg|thumb|It is solemn to remember that Vastness — <br> Is but the Shadow of the Brain which casts it — ~ [[Emily Dickinson]] ]] *If man is created by an external source, then he must belong to that source and not to himself. According to Buddhism, man is responsible for everything he does. Thus Buddhists have no reason to believe that man came into existence in the human form through any external sources. They believe that man is here today because of his own action. He is neither punished nor rewarded by anyone but himself according to his own good and bad action. In the process of evolution, the human being came into existence. However, there are no Buddha-words to support the belief that the world was created by anybody. The scientific discovery of gradual development of the world-system conforms with the Buddha's Teachings. **[[K. Sri Dhammananda Maha Thera]], ''What Buddhists Believe'' (1993) * They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse. ** [[Emily Dickinson]], Letter to Mrs. J. G. Holland [L551] (Spring 1878) * It is solemn to remember that Vastness — <br> Is but the [[Shadow]] of the [[Brain]] which casts it — <br> All things swept sole away <br> This — is immensity — ** [[Emily Dickinson]], in a letter to Thomas Wentworth Higginson [L551] (1881) * If there is a supreme being, he's crazy. ** [[Marlene Dietrich]], as quoted in ''Rave'' magazine (November 1986) * God used [[beautiful]] [[mathematics]] in creating the [[world]]. ** [[Paul Dirac]], as quoted in ''The Cosmic Code : Quantum Physics As The Language Of Nature'' (1982) by Heinz R. Pagels, p. 295; also in ''Paul Adrien Maurice Dirac : Reminiscences about a Great Physicist'' (1990) edited by Behram N. Kursunoglu and Eugene Paul Wigner, p. xv * One could perhaps describe the situation by saying that God is a mathematician of a very high order, and He used very advanced mathematics in constructing the universe. ** [[Paul Dirac]], [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/102000602?q=dirac&p=par WOL] * Clearly, the [[w:Bible|Scripture]] tells us that we lack the capacity to grasp God's infinite mind or the way He intervenes in our lives. How arrogant of us to think otherwise! Trying to analyze His omnipotence is like an amoeba attempting to comprehend the behavior of man. ** [[James Dobson]] in: Bill Bradfield ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=vKG3cPCQmvMC&pg=PA33 On Reading the Bible: Thoughts and Reflections of Over 500 Men and Women, from St. Augustine to Oprah Winfrey ]'', Courier Dover Publications, Jul 12, 2012. * To be simple we must desire to remain in the image of God. We must not be so complex that we make God into our image! ** [[Catherine Doherty]], ''Unfinished Pilgrimage'' (Combermere, Ontario: Madonna House Publications, 1995), p. 12. * [[Charles Hartshorne]]... informed me that my theological standpoint is [[w:Socinianism|Socinian]]. ...The main tenet of the Socinian heresy is that God is neither omniscient nor omnipotent. He learns and grows as the universe unfolds. ...I ...find it congenial, and consistent with scientific common sense. I do not make any clear distinction between mind and God. ...We are the chief inlets of God on this planet at the present stage... We may later grow with him as he grows, or we may be left behind. ...If we are left behind, it is an end. If we keep on growing, it is a beginning. ** [[Freeman Dyson]], ''Infinite in All Directions'' (1988) * '''I do not make any clear distinction between [[mind]] and God. God is what mind becomes when it has passed beyond the scale of our comprehension.''' God may be either a world-soul or a collection of world-souls. So I am thinking that atoms and humans and God may have minds that differ in degree but not in kind. '''We stand, in a manner of [[speaking]], midway between the [[Chance|unpredictability]] of [[atoms]] and the [[Mystery|unpredictability]] of God.''' Atoms are small pieces of our mental apparatus, and we are small pieces of God's mental apparatus. Our minds may receive inputs equally from atoms and from God. This view of our place in the cosmos may not be true, but it is compatible with the active nature of atoms as revealed in the experiments of modern physics. '''I don't say that this personal theology is supported or proved by scientific evidence. I only say that it is consistent with scientific evidence.''' ** [[Freeman Dyson]], in "[http://www.edge.org/documents/archive/edge68.html Progress In Religion : A Talk By Freeman Dyson]", his acceptance speech for the [[w:Templeton Prize|Templeton Prize]], Washington National Cathedral (9 May 2000) * I do not claim any ability to read God's mind. I am sure of only one thing. '''When we look at the [[glory]] of [[stars]] and [[galaxies]] in the [[sky]] and the glory of forests and flowers in the living world around us, it is evident that God loves [[diversity]]. '''Perhaps the universe is constructed according to a principle of maximum diversity. ** [[Freeman Dyson]], in "Progress In Religion : A Talk By Freeman Dyson" (9 May 2000) == E == [[File:Albert_Einstein_photo_1921.jpg|thumb|Subtle is the Lord, but malicious He is not. ~ [[Albert Einstein]] ]] [[File:Einstein gyro gravity probe b.jpg|thumb|The God [[Spinoza]] revered is my God, too: I meet Him everyday in the [[harmonious]] [[laws]] which govern the [[universe]]. ~ [[Albert Einstein]] ]] [[File:The Earth seen from Apollo 17.jpg|thumb|God created men to enjoy, not destroy, the fruits of the earth and of their own toil. ~ [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]] ]] [[File:RWEmerson.jpg|thumb|The purpose of life seems to be to acquaint a man with himself. He is not to live the future as described to him but to live the real future to the real present. The highest revelation is that God is in every man. ~ [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]]]] * We are all meant to be mothers of God, for God is always needing to be born. ** [[Meister Eckhart]], as quoted in ''Christianity'' (1995) by Joe Jenkins, p. 27 * Where the human being in obedience goes out from his “I” and dismisses what is his own, God must necessarily enter in precisely there; for when someone does not will anything for himself, God must will for that person in the same way as He wills for himself. ** [[Meister Eckhart]], ''Sermons'', in J. Hackett, ''A Companion to Meister Eckhart'' *When man humbles himself, God cannot restrain His mercy; He must come down and pour His grace into the humble man, and He gives Himself most of all, and all at once, to the least of all. It is essential to God to give, for His essence is His goodness and His goodness is His love. Love is the root of all joy and sorrow. Slavish fear of God is to be put away. The right fear is the fear of losing God. If the earth flee downward from heaven, it finds heaven beneath it; if it flee upward, it comes again to heaven. The earth cannot flee from heaven: whether it flee up or down, the heaven rains its influence upon it, and stamps its impress upon it, and makes it fruitful, whether it be willing or not. Thus doth God with men: whoever thinketh to escape Him, flies into His bosom, for every corner is open to Him. God brings forth His Son in thee, whether thou likest it or not, whether thou sleepest or wakest; God worketh His own will. That man is unaware of it, is man's fault, for his taste is so spoilt by feeding on earthly things that he cannot relish God's love. If we had love to God, we should relish God, and all His works; we should receive all things from God, and work the same works as He worketh. **[[Meister Eckhart]], [[Meister_Eckhart#Meister_Eckhart’s_Sermons_(1909)|Sermon III, "The Angel's Greeting"]] (1909) * '''If God is as real as the shadow of the Great War on Armistice Day, need we seek further reason for making a place for God''' in our thoughts and lives? '''We shall not be concerned if the scientific explorer''' reports that he '''is perfectly satisfied''' that he has got to the bottom of things '''without having come across either.''' ** [[Arthur Eddington]], ''Science and the Unseen World'' (1929) * If we pray to God as a corporeal person, this will prevent us from relinquishing the human doubts and fears which attend such a belief, and so we cannot grasp the wonders wrought by infinite, incorporeal Love, to whom all things are possible. ** [[w:Mary Baker Eddy|Mary Baker Eddy]], in ''Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures'' * Nature is what we know. We do not know the gods of religions. And nature is not kind, or merciful, or loving. If God made me — the fabled God of the three qualities of which I spoke: mercy, kindness, love — He also made the fish I catch and eat. And where do His mercy, kindness, and love for that fish come in? No; nature made us — nature did it all — not the gods of the religions ** [[Thomas Edison]], ""No Immortality of the Soul" says Thomas A. Edison. In Fact, He Doesn't Believe There Is a Soul — Human Beings Only an Aggregate of Cells and the Brain Only a Wonderful Machine, Says Wizard of Electricity". New York Times. October 2, 1910 * I do not believe in the God of the theologians; but that there is a Supreme Intelligence I do not doubt. ** [[Thomas Edison]], The Freethinker (1970), G.W. Foote & Company, Volume 90, p. 147 * I see only with deep regret that God punishes so many of His children for their numerous stupidities, for which only He Himself can be held responsible; in my opinion, only His nonexistence could excuse Him. ** [[Albert Einstein]], letter to Edgar Meyer (2 January 1915) * ''Raffiniert ist der Herrgott, aber boshaft ist er nicht.'' ** '''Subtle is the Lord, but malicious He is not.''' ** Remark made during Einstein's first visit to Princeton University (April 1921) as quoted in ''Einstein'' (1973) by R. W. Clark, Ch. 14. "God is slick, but he ain't mean" is a variant translation of this (1946) Unsourced variant: "God is subtle but he is not malicious." ** When asked what he meant by this he replied. "Nature hides her secret because of her essential loftiness, but not by means of ruse." (''Die Natur verbirgt ihr Geheimnis durch die Erhabenheit ihres Wesens, aber nicht durch List.'') As quoted in ''Subtle is the Lord — The Science and the Life of Albert Einstein'' (1982) by Abraham Pais <!-- Clarendon Press, Oxford, and Oxford University Press, New York --> [http://www.einsteinandreligion.com/faith.html einsteinandreligion.com] *** Originally said to Princeton University mathematics professor Oscar Veblen, May 1921, while Einstein was in Princeton for a series of lectures, upon hearing that an experimental result by Dayton C. Miller of Cleveland, if true, would contradict his theory of gravitation. But the claimed discrepancy was quite small and required special circumstances (hence Einsteins's remark). The result turned out to be false. Some say by this remark Einstein meant that Nature hides her secrets by being subtle, while others say he meant that nature is mischievous but not bent on trickery. [The Yale Book of Quotations, ed. Fred R. Shapiro, 2006] ** Variant translation: God may be sophisticated, but he's not malicious. *** As quoted in ''Cherished Illusions'' (2005) by Sarah Stern, p. 109 ** '''I have second thoughts. Maybe God ''is'' malicious'''. ** Said to [[wikipedia: Valentine Bargmann|Valentine Bargmann]], as quoted in ''Einstein in America'' (1985) by Jamie Sayen, p. 51, indicating that God leads people to believe they understand things that they actually are far from understanding; also in ''The Yale Book of Quotations'' (2006), ed. Fred R. Shapiro * '''The God [[Spinoza]] revered is my God, too: I meet Him everyday in the harmonious laws which govern the universe.''' My religion is cosmic, and my God is too universal to concern himself with the intentions of every human being. '''I do not accept a religion of fear; My God will not hold me responsible for the actions that [[necessity]] imposes.''' My God speaks to me through laws. ** [[Albert Einstein]], in an interview (1948), quoted in ''Einstein and the Poet : In Search of the Cosmic Man'' (1983) by William Hermanns, p. 59 * About God, I cannot accept any concept based on the authority of the Church. As long as I can remember, I have resented mass indoctrination. I do not believe in the fear of life, in the fear of death, in blind faith. I cannot prove to you that there is no [[personal God]], but if I were to speak of him, I would be a liar. '''I do not believe in the God of theology who rewards good and punishes evil. My God created laws that take care of that. His universe is not ruled by wishful thinking, but by immutable laws.''' ** [[Albert Einstein]], in an interview (1948), quoted in ''Einstein and the Poet : In Search of the Cosmic Man'' (1983) by William Hermanns, p. 132 * '''My position concerning God is that of an [[agnostic]].''' I am convinced that a vivid consciousness of the primary importance of moral principles for the betterment and ennoblement of life does not need the idea of a law-giver, especially a law-giver who works on the basis of reward and punishment. ** [[Albert Einstein]], letter to M. Berkowitz (25 October 1950) * '''What I see in nature is a magnificent structure that we can comprehend only very imperfectly, and that must fill a thinking person with a feeling of ‘[[humility]].’ '''This is a genuinely religious feeling that has nothing to do with mysticism. . . . My religiosity consists in a humble admiration of the infinitely superior spirit that reveals itself in the little that we, with our weak and transitory understanding, can comprehend of reality. . . . I want to know how God created this world. I want to know his thoughts, the rest are details. ** [[Albert Einstein]], as quoted by [[Timothy Ferris]], in his article “The Other Einstein”, ''[[w:Awake!|Awake!]]'' magazine, (22 January 1992) * These proposals spring, without ulterior purpose or political passion, from our calm conviction that the hunger for peace is in the hearts of all peoples--those of Russia and of China no less than of our own country. They conform to our firm faith that '''God created men to enjoy, not destroy, the fruits of the earth and of their own toil.''' ** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]] in his [[s:The Chance for Peace|The Chance for Peace]] speech shortly after taking office and following the death of [[Joseph Stalin]] *Posing the question: does the god of love use underarm deodorant, vaginal spray and fluoride toothpaste? **Deathbird Stories, by [[Harlan Ellison]] [https://books.google.com/books?isbn=149760477X] * It is not by accident that the enormous popularity of the “death of God” was born in our world of images: the impossibility of representing God visually leads inevitably in our day to the impossibility of his existence. God is dead—but beyond all the explicit reasons generally offered, he is dead because he is not visible. We can have confidence only in a visible God who is clearly manifested, exclusively in the visual dimension. ** [[Jacques Ellul]], ''The Humiliation of the Word'' (1981), J. Hanks, trans. (1985), p. 198 * Throughout the Old Testament we see God choosing what is weak and humble to represent him (the stammering Moses, the infant Samuel, Saul from an insignificant family, David confronting Goliath, etc.). Paul tells us that God chooses the weak things of the world to confound the mighty. Here, however, we have a striking contradiction. In [[Constantine the Great|Constantine]] God is supposedly choosing an Augustus, a triumphant military leader. This vision and this miracle are totally impossible. But they are not impossible in the context of Christianity that is already off the rails, that thinks of God as the one who directs history and is the motive power in politics. ** [[Jacques Ellul]], ''The Subversion of Christianity'' (1982), G. Bromiley, trans. (1986), p. 123 * When we consider what is our thought of God we find that it is our own soul stripped of all inferiority and carried out to perfection. ** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], Sermon 86 (1830), ''The Complete Sermons of Ralph Waldo Emerson'', Volume 2 (1990), p. 243 * By going much alone a man will get more of a noble courage in thought and word than from all the wisdom that is in books. He will come to hear God speak as audibly through his own lips as ever He did by the mouth of Moses or Isaiah or Milton. ** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], Journal Entry, October 21, 1833 * '''The purpose of life seems to be to acquaint a man with himself. He is not to live the future as described to him but to live the real future to the real present. The highest revelation is that God is in every man.''' ** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''Journals'' (1822–1863), 8 September 1833. As quoted in: Maurice York and Rick Spaulding (2008): ''[https://books.google.de/books?id=_pRMlDQavQwC&pg=PA240&dq=A+man+contains+all+that+is+needful+to+his+government+within+himself&hl=de&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiahO73qqfeAhUwpIsKHRqzDswQ6AEIQDAD#v=onepage&q=A%20man%20contains%20all%20that%20is%20needful%20to%20his%20government%20within%20himself&f=false Ralph Waldo Emerson – The Infinitude of the Private Man: A Biography.]'' Chicago and Raleigh: Wrighwood Press, pages 240 – 241. Derived from: Edward Waldo Emerson and Waldo Emerson Forbes (1909): ''Journals of Ralph Waldo Emerson, with annotations'', III, pages 200-201. * Man thinking must not be subdued by his instruments. Books are for the scholar’s idle times. When he can read God directly, the hour is too precious to be wasted in other men’s transcripts of their readings. ** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], “The American Scholar,” Addresses and Lectures, Complete Works (1883), vol. 1, p. 92 * In calling his two sons by the names of Gershom and Eliezer, Moses, like Joseph and other righteous men, intended to have the fact of God's help constantly before him. Since his sons would be with him, and he would often address them or call them by name, he would remember his gratitude to God. ** ''{{w|Exodus Rabbah}} 1'', ''[http://www.sacred-texts.com/jud/tmm/tmm07.htm Tales and Maxims from the Midrash]'' by Rev. Samuel Rapaport, (1907), p. 89 * There is no place without God's presence. Even in the bush He was present, and this was the lesson of God's omnipresence that Moses learnt when he was called out of the bush. ** ''{{w|Exodus Rabbah}} 2'', ''[http://www.sacred-texts.com/jud/tmm/tmm07.htm Tales and Maxims from the Midrash]'' by Rev. Samuel Rapaport, (1907), p. 91 * Moses wanted to know God's name, and God tells him, 'I am that I am'; that is to say, 'I am called--or to be called-in accordance with my work in this world.' When I judge mankind I am אלהים Elohim, that being the title or designation for judgment. When I war with the wicked I am known as צבאות Zevooth. When I execute judgment for the sins of man I am known as אלשדי El Shadai, and when I am visiting the world with mercy I am אבני or יהוה Adonoi, the Eternal. ** ''{{w|Exodus Rabbah}} 3'', ''[http://www.sacred-texts.com/jud/tmm/tmm07.htm Tales and Maxims from the Midrash]'' by Rev. Samuel Rapaport, (1907), p. 91 * The matron whom we find so often arguing with Rabbi José observed one day to that sage, 'My god is surely greater than yours. When your God appeared to Moses in the bush, Moses merely covered his face, whilst when my god (the serpent) made its appearance he could not stand his ground at all, but had to run away out of fear.' 'Not so, 'returned the Rabbi, 'for in order to be out of the power of your god it sufficed for Moses to step a few paces back, but whither could he have fled from the presence of Him who filleth the earth?' ** ''{{w|Exodus Rabbah}} 3'', ''[http://www.sacred-texts.com/jud/tmm/tmm07.htm Tales and Maxims from the Midrash]'' by Rev. Samuel Rapaport, (1907), p. 92 * I am the first and I am the last, and beside Me there is no God' (Isa. 43. 6) I am the first, I have no father; I am the last, I have no brother. Beside Me there is no God; I have no son. ** ''{{w|Exodus Rabbah}} 29'', ''[http://www.sacred-texts.com/jud/tmm/tmm07.htm Tales and Maxims from the Midrash]'' by Rev. Samuel Rapaport, (1907), p. 103 * When God first called Moses, not being then an expert prophet, he was addressed in a voice similar to that of his own father, and he thought that his father had come to him from Egypt. God then told him that it was not his earthly father who called him, but the God of his father. Then, we find, Moses hid his face, which he did not do when first called by his name; not in fact until he heard the words, 'I am the God of thy fathers.' ** ''{{w|Exodus Rabbah}} 45'', ''[http://www.sacred-texts.com/jud/tmm/tmm07.htm Tales and Maxims from the Midrash]'' by Rev. Samuel Rapaport, (1907), p. 108 == F == * The Church in the colonies is the white people’s Church. ... She does not call the native to God’s ways but to the ways of the white man, of the master, of the oppressor. ** [[Frantz Fanon]], ''The Wretched of The Earth'' (1963), p. 42 * God is for man the [[commonplace book]] where he registers his highest feelings and thoughts, the genealogical album into which he enters the names of the things most dear and sacred to him. ** [[Ludwig Feuerbach]], in ''The Essence of Christianity'' (1843), p. xvi * By positing God as unknowable, man excuses himself to what is still left of his religious conscience for his oblivion of God, his surrender to the world. He negates God in practice – his mind and his senses have been absorbed by the world – but he does not negate him in theory. He does not attack his existence; he leaves it intact. But this existence neither affects nor incommodes him, for it is only a negative existence, an existence without existence; it is an existence that contradicts itself – a being that, in view of its effects, is indistinguishable from non-being. ** [[Ludwig Feuerbach]], ''The Essence of Christianity'' (1843), Z. Hanfi, trans., in ''The Fiery Brook'' (1972), p. 112 * When the claims of God are revealed to the mind, it must necessarily yield to them, or strengthen itself in sin. It must, as it were, gird itself up, and struggle to resist the claims of duty. This strengthening self in sin under light is the particular form of sin which we call impenitence. ** [[Charles Grandison Finney]], ''Lectures on Systematic Theology'' (1878), p. 369 * '''There is only one good definition of God: the freedom that allows other freedoms to exist.''' ** [[John Fowles]], ''[[w:The French Lieutenant's Woman|The French Lieutenant's Woman]]'' (London: Jonathan Cape, 1969), p. 99 * '''I [[believe]] in God, not in a Catholic God, there is no Catholic God, there is God and I believe in [[Jesus]] [[Christ]], his incarnation.''' Jesus is my [[teacher]] and my pastor, but God, the Father, [[w:Ab (Semitic)|Abba]], is the [[light]] and the Creator. '''This is my Being.''' ** [[Pope Francis]], interviewed in "How the Church will change" by Eugenio Scalfari in ''La Repubblica'' (1 October 2013), as translated from Italian to English by Kathryn Wallace * I have lived, Sir, a long time, and the longer I live, the more convincing proofs I see of this truth—that God governs in the affairs of men. And if a sparrow cannot fall to the ground without his notice, is it probable that an empire can rise without his aid? ** [[Benjamin Franklin]], debates in the Constitutional Convention, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (June 28, 1787); reported in James Madison, ''Journal of the Federal Convention'', ed. E. H. Scott (1893), p. 259–60. Franklin suggests that the Convention begin its sessions with prayers "imploring the assistance of Heaven, and its blessings on our deliberations". == G == [[File:Gandhi smiling 1942.jpg |thumb|It is beyond my power to induce in you a belief in God. There are certain things which are self proved and certain which are not proved at all. ~ [[Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi|Mahatma Gandhi]] ]] [[File:Goyathlay-x.jpeg|thumb|I cannot think we are useless or Usen would not have created us. He created all tribes of men and certainly had a righteous purpose in creating each. ~ [[Geronimo]] ]] * I looked and looked but I didn't see God. ** Attributed to [[Yuri Gagarin]] after becoming the first person to orbit the Earth, as quoted in ''To Rise from Earth'' (1996) by Wayne Lee; the authenticity of this remark is disputed; [http://www.interfax-religion.ru/orthodoxy/?act=interview&div=73&domain=1 Colonel Valentin Petrov stated in 2006] that the cosmonaut never said such words, and that the quote originated from [[Nikita Khrushchev]]'s speech at the plenum of the Central Committee of the CPSU about the state's anti-religion campaign, saying "Gagarin flew into space, but didn't see any god there." ** Sometimes misquoted as "I see no God up here" as if he said this in space, but there are no transcripts or recordings indicating that he ever did. * '''I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with senses, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use and by some other means to give us knowledge which we can attain by them.''' ** [[Galileo Galilei]]. in his [[w:Letter to the Grand Duchess Christina|Letter to the Grand Duchess Christina]] (1615), an [http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/mod/galileo-tuscany.html essay published in 1615], in response to enquiries of [[w:Christina of Lorraine|Christina of Tuscany]], as quoted in ''Aspects of Western Civilization : Problems and Sources in History'' (1988) by Perry McAdow Rogers, p. 53 ** Variant translation: '''I do not think it is necessary to believe that the same God who has given us our senses, reason, and intelligence wished us to abandon their use, giving us by some other means the information that we could gain through them.''' * Mathematics is the language in which God wrote the universe. ** Attributed to [[Galileo Galilei]] in ''Statistics: Concepts and Applications'' (1994) by Harry Frank and Steven C. Althoen, p. xxi * '''It is beyond my power to induce in you a belief in God. There are certain things which are self proved and certain which are not proved at all.''' The existence of God is like a geometrical axiom. It may be beyond our heart grasp. I shall not talk of an intellectual grasp. Intellectual attempts are more or less failures, as a rational explanation cannot give you the faith in a living God. For it is a thing beyond the grasp of reason. It transcends reason. There are numerous phenomena from which you can reason out the existence of God, but I shall not insult your intelligence by offering you a rational explanation of that type. '''I would have you brush aside all rational explanations and begin with a simple childlike faith in God. If I exist, God exists. With me it is a necessity of my being as it is with millions. They may not be able to talk about it, but from their life you can see that it is a part of their life. I am only asking you to restore the belief that has been undermined.''' In order to do so, you have to unlearn a lot of literature that dazzles your intelligence and throws you off your feet. Start with the faith which is also a token of humility and an admission that we know nothing, that we are less than atoms in this universe. '''We are less than atoms, I say, because the atom obeys the law of its being, whereas we in the insolence of our ignorance deny the law of nature. But I have no argument to address to those who have no faith.''' ** [[Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi]] in ''Young India'' (24 September 1931); also in [http://www.archive.org/details/teachingsofmahat029222mbp ''Teachings Of Mahatma Gandhi'' (1945), edited by Jag Parvesh Chander, p. 458] * People are even more reluctant to admit that man explains nothing, than they were to admit that God explains nothing. ** [[Ernest Gellner]], ''Legitimation of Belief'' (1974), p. 99 * '''I cannot think we are useless or Usen would not have created us. He created all tribes of men and certainly had a righteous purpose in creating each.''' ** [[Geronimo]], as quoted in ''Geronimo's Story of His Life'' (1907) as told to S.M. Barrett in 1905 and 1906, "Usen" is the Apache word for God. * If we desire to hold on to solidarity with everyone else in the communicative fellowship, even the dead ... then we must claim a reality that can reach beyond the here and now, or that can connect our selves beyond our own death with those who innocently went to their destruction before us. And it is this reality that the Christian tradition calls God. ** Jens Glebe-Möller, ''A Political Dogmatic'' (1987), p. 102 * We all of us try to make God in our image. It is one of the worst of our temptations. ** [[Elizabeth Goudge]], ''The Bird in the Tree'' (1940), Chapter 6.3 * Either half my colleagues are enormously stupid, or else the science of Darwinism is fully compatible with conventional religious beliefs. ** [[Stephen Jay Gould]], in "Impeaching a Self-Appointed Judge" in ''Scientific American'' (July 1992) * '''God is within you''', and you can do and have anything you want. '''You must [[love]] yourself more. … and then … you can love your fellow man.''' ** [[Cary Grant]], as quoted in [http://www.carygrant.net/articles/thinks%20about.htm "Love – That’s All Cary Grant Ever Thinks About"] by [[w:Sheilah Graham Westbrook|Sheilah Graham Westbrook]] in ''Motion Picture'' (June 1964) * The love of gain, which is a large, incalculably large, element in every soul, when once applied to the desire for God, will [[bless]] the man who has it. ** [[Gregory of Nyssa]], ''On Virginity'', Chapter 18 * In vain do they think themselves innocent who appropriate to their own use alone those goods which God gave in common; by not giving to others that which they themselves receive, they become homicides and murderers, inasmuch as in keeping for themselves those things which would alleviate the sufferings of the poor, we may say that every day they cause the death of as many persons as they might have fed and did not. When, therefore, we offer the means of living to the indigent, we do not give them anything of ours, but that which of right belongs to them. It is less a work of mercy which we perform than the payment of a debt. ** [[Gregory I]], quoted in [[George D. Herron]], ''Between Caesar and Jesus'' (1899), pp. 111-112 *As one reads the scriptures of Christianity and Islam with a morally alert mind, one starts getting sick of the very sound of word ‘god’ which word is littered all over this literature like dead leaves in autumn. The deeds which are ascribed to or approved of by this God are quite often so cruel and obnoxious as to leave one wondering that if these are the doings of the Divine, what else is there which is left for the Devil to do. **[[w:Sita Ram Goel|Sita Ram Goel]], ''Defence of Hindu Society'' (1983) == H == [[File:Stamps of Germany (DDR) 1970, MiNr 1539.jpg|thumb|right|The objects of [[philosophy]], it is true, are upon the whole the same as those of religion. In both the object is Truth, in that supreme [[sense]] in which God and God only is the [[Truth]]. ~ [[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel]]]] [[File:Legendre - La Prophétie d'Isaïe.JPG|thumb|The prophet disdains those for whom God's presence is a comfort and security; to him it is a challenge, an incessant demand. ~ [[Abraham Joshua Heschel]]]] [[File:AdornoHorkheimerHabermasbyJeremyJShapiro2.png|thumb|right|The concept of God was for a long time the place where the idea was kept alive that there are other norms besides those to which nature and society give expression in their operation. ~ [[Max Horkheimer]]]] * Give according to your means, or God will make your means according to your giving. ** Reverend [[John Hall (Presbyterian pastor)|John Hall]], reported in [[Tryon Edwards]], ''A Dictionary of Thoughts'' (1908), p. 194 * Maybe God isn't the sex police, Richard. Sometimes I think Christians get all hung up on the sex thing because it's easier to worry about sex than to ask yourself, ''am I a good person?'' ''[…]'' It makes it easy to be cruel, because as long as you're not fucking around, nothing you do can be that bad. Is that really all you think of God? ** [[w:Anita Blake|Anita Blake]], to [[w:Richard_Zeeman|Richard Zeeman]] ** {{cite book | author = [[Laurell K. Hamilton]] | title = The Harlequin | edition = 1st edition | date = June 2007 | publisher = Berkley Books | id = {{ISBN|978-0-425-21724-5}} | chapter = chapter 44 | pages = pp. 391-392 }} * No matter how much I probe and prod,<br/>&nbsp;&nbsp;I cannot quite believe in God;<br/>But oh, I hope to God that He<br/>&nbsp;&nbsp;Unswervingly believes in me. ** [[Yip Harburg]], ''Rhymes for the Irreverent'', (1965) * To the extent that we are free we are like God, who has no need of an idea of a God over [[w:Godself|Godself]] or of an incentive other than the moral law itself. But to the extent that we are also natural beings, we desire our own happiness in everything else that we desire, and we need the practical postulate of God to bring that happiness together with morality. ** [[John E. Hare]], “Ethics and Religion: Two Kantian Arguments,” ''Philosophical Investigations'', vol. 34, no. 2 (April 2011), p. 165 * You either have a God who sends child rapists to rape children or you have a God who simply watches it and says, ‘When you’re done, I’m going to punish you.’ If I could stop a person from raping a child, I would. That’s the difference between me and your God. ** [[w:Tracie Harris|Tracie Harris]], [[w:The Atheist Experience|The Atheist Experience]] ''YouTube'' Jan 6 2013 as quoted in [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/08/atheist-experience-child-rape_n_2434198.html ''Atheist Experience Child Rape'' Huffington Post] * Futurist [[w:Aldo Palazzeschi|Aldo Palazzeschi]]... exhorts us in ''L'antidolore'' (1913) to laugh heartily at the mortality built into the plan of creation not out of spite, as has traditionally been the case, but because suffering and death are nothing but pranks of the prime trickster, God. If anything it is the devil who is the spirit of gravity, and it is in taking him seriously that we plummet from grace. ** [http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3806/is_200605/ai_n17220907/print Thomas Harrison, in "Laughter and the Tree Of Knowledge" in the ''Romanic Review'' (May-November 2006)] * The objects of philosophy, it is true, are upon the whole the same as those of religion. In both the object is Truth, in that supreme sense in which God and God only is the Truth. ** [[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel]], ''Logic'', Chapter 1 * I've never understood how God could expect his creatures to pick the one true religion by faith — it strikes me as a sloppy way to run a universe. ** [[Robert A. Heinlein]], in ''[[Stranger in a Strange Land]]'' (1961) * God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent — it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks, please. Cash and in small bills. ** [[Robert A. Heinlein]], in ''[[w:Time Enough for Love|Time Enough for Love]]'' (1973), p. 264 * The most preposterous notion that H. sapiens has ever dreamed up is that the Lord God of Creation, Shaper and Ruler of all the Universes, wants the saccharine adoration of His creatures, can be swayed by their prayers, and becomes petulant if He does not receive this flattery. Yet this absurd fantasy, without a shred of evidence to bolster it, pays all the expenses of the oldest, largest, and least productive industry in all history.<br>The second most preposterous notion is that copulation is inherently sinful. ** [[Robert A. Heinlein]], in ''[[w:Time Enough for Love|Time Enough for Love]]'' (1973), p. 266 * How much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in his divine system of creation? ** [[Joseph Heller]], ''Catch 22'' * Restore to God His due in tithe and time;<br>A tithe purloin'd cankers the whole estate. ** [[George Herbert]], ''The Temple'' (1633), ''The Church Porch'', Stanza 65 * The prophet disdains those for whom God's presence is a comfort and security; to him it is a challenge, an incessant demand. ** [[Abraham Joshua Heschel]], ''The Prophets'' (1962), p. 16 * Religious ideas, supposedly private matters between man and god, are in practice always political ideas. ** [[Christopher Hitchens]], ''The Monarchy: A Critique of Britain's Favourite Fetish'' (1990), ''Chatto Counterblasts'' * Only a humorless tyrant could want a perpetual chanting of praises that, one has no choice but to assume, would be the innate virtues and splendors furnished him by ''his'' creator, infinite regression, drowned in praise! ** [[Christopher Hitchens]], ''Letters to a Young Contrarian'' (2001) * Consciousness is Gods' gift to mankind. ** Dr. [[w:Albert Hofmann|Albert Hofmann]] discoverer of [[LSD]] (15 January 2006) * God only speaks to those who understand the language ** Dr. [[w:Albert Hofmann|Albert Hofmann]], (15 January 2006) * The concept of God was for a long time the place where the idea was kept alive that there are other norms besides those to which nature and society give expression in their operation. ** [[Max Horkheimer]], "Thoughts on Religion," ''Critical Theory: Selected Essays'' (1995), p. 129 * The significance of God, cause, number, substance or soul consists, as [[William James|James]] asserts, in nothing but the tendency of the given concept to make us act or think. If the world should reach a point at which it ceases to care not only about such metaphysical entities but also about murders perpetrated behind closed frontiers or simply in the dark, one would have to conclude that the concepts of such murders have no meaning, that they represent no ‘distinct ideas’ or truths, since they do not make any ‘sensible difference to anybody.’ ** [[Max Horkheimer]], ''Eclipse of Reason'' (1947), pp. 46-47 * Nothing could be more untrue than the often-repeated statement that we all worship the same God; or that other, that whatever we worship the result is the same. ** [[w:Caryll Houselander|Caryll Houselander]], ''The Reed of God'' (London: Sheed & Ward, 1944), p. 85 * The Savage interrupted him. "But isn't it natural to feel there's a God?" <br> "You might as well ask if it's natural to do up one's trousers with zippers," said the Controller sarcastically. "You remind me of another of those old fellows called Bradley. He defined philosophy as the finding of bad reason for what one believes by instinct. As if one believed anything by instinct! One believes things because one has been conditioned to believe them. Finding bad reasons for what one believes for other bad reasons–that's philosophy. People believe in God because they've been conditioned to. <br> "But all the same," insisted the Savage, "it is natural to believe in God when you're alone–quite alone, in the night, thinking about death …" <br> "But people never are alone now," said Mustapha Mond. "We make them hate solitude; and we arrange their lives so that it's almost impossible for them ever to have it." ** [[Aldous Huxley]], [[Brave New World]] ch. 17 [http://www.huxley.net/bnw/seventeen.html] * Why did it occur to anyone to believe in only one God? And conversely why did it ever occur to anyone to believe in many gods? To both these questions we must return the same answer: Because that is how the human mind happens to work. For the human mind is both diverse and simple, simultaneously many and one. We have an immediate perception of our own diversity and of that of the outside world. And at the same time we have immediate perceptions of our own oneness. ** [[Aldous Huxley]], “One and Many,” ''Do What You Will'' (1928), p. 12 == I == * Would God give a bird wings and make it a crime to fly? Would he give me brains and make it a crime to think? Any God that would damn one of his children for the expression of his honest thought wouldn't make a decent thief. When I read a book and don't believe it, I ought to say so. I will do so and take the consequences like a man. ** [[Robert Ingersoll]] (14 October 1879) * '''God is dead. [[Karl Marx|Marx]] is dead. And I don’t feel so well myself.''' ** [[Eugène Ionesco]], as quoted in ''Jewish American Literature : A Norton Anthology'' (2000) by Jules Chametzky, "Jewish Humor", p. 318 == J == [[File:Polyptyque de la Vanité terrestre et de la Rédemption céleste-Hans Memling mg 9959.jpg|thumb|I have said, Ye are gods; and all of you are children of the most High. ~ [[Jesus]] ]] [[File:Brueghel Jan II God creating.jpg|thumb|The God who gave us life, gave us liberty at the same time. ~ [[Thomas Jefferson]] ]] [[File:Dieu Tout-Puissant Chapelle Royale Versailles ceiling.jpg|thumb|It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no god. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg. ~ [[Thomas Jefferson]] ]] [[File:Sabaoth icon (Russia, 19 c.) 2.jpeg|thumb|Question with boldness even the existence of a god; because, if there be one, he must more approve the homage of reason, than that of blindfolded fear. ~ [[Thomas Jefferson]] ]] *The theory of an existing and benevolent god simply doesn't make sense to anyone who is rational. A benevolent and omnipotent god would never allow such imbalances as I see to exist for one second. If by chance I am wrong, however I must then assume that being born black called for some automatic punishment for sins I know nothing about, and being innocent it behooves me to defy god. **George Jackson, Soledad Brother: The Prison Letters of George Jackson * God's on your side? Shit, I'm alright with that. Because we're going to reload the clips and come right back. **[[50 Cent|Curtis J. Jackson]], [http://genius.com/50-cent-heat-lyrics/ "Heat"] (2003), ''Get Rich or Die Tryin''' (2003), by C.J. Jackson III. * '''The God who gave us [[life]], gave us [[liberty]] at the same time.''' ** [[Thomas Jefferson]], [[s:A Summary View of the Rights of British America|Summary View of the Rights of British America]] (1774) * It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no god. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg. ** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Query 17 in ''Notes on the State of Virginia'' (1781-1785) * Can the liberties of a nation be thought secure when we have removed their only firm basis, a conviction in the minds of the people that these liberties are a gift of God? Indeed I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just; that His justice cannot sleep forever. ** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Query 18 in ''Notes on the State of Virginia'' (1781-1785) *''' Question with boldness even the existence of a god; because, if there be one, he must more approve the homage of [[reason]], than that of blindfolded [[fear]].''' ** [[Thomas Jefferson]], in a letter to his nephew Peter Carr from Paris, France, (10 August 1787) * No historical fact is better established, than that the doctrine of one God, pure and uncompounded, was that of the early ages of Christianity … Nor was the unity of the Supreme Being ousted from the Christian creed by the force of reason, but by the sword of civil government, wielded at the will of the fanatic [[w:Athanasius|Athanasius]]. ** [[Thomas Jefferson]], in a letter to James Smith (1822) * The doctrines of [[Jesus]] are simple, and tend all to the happiness of man. : 1. That there is one only God, and he all perfect. : 2. That there is a future state of rewards and punishments. : 3. That to [[love]] God with all thy heart and thy neighbor as thyself, is the sum of [[religion]]. ::* [[Thomas Jefferson]], in a letter to Benjamin Waterhouse, (26 June 1822) '''*I have said, Ye are gods; and all of you are children of the most High.''' **[[Jesus]] quoted in [[Psalms]] 82:6 * Some foolish men declare that creator made the world. The doctrine that the world was created is ill advised and should be rejected. If God created the world, where was he before the creation? If you say he was transcendent then and needed no support, where is he now? How could God have made this world without any raw material? If you say that he made this first, and then the world, you are faced with an endless regression. If you declare that this raw material arose naturally you fall into another fallacy, For the whole universe might thus have been its own creator, and have arisen quite naturally. If God created the world by an act of his own will, without any raw material, then it is just his will and nothing else — and who will believe this silly nonsense? If he is ever perfect and complete, how could the will to create have arisen in him? If, on the other hand, he is not perfect, he could no more create the universe than a potter could. If he is form-less, action-less and all-embracing, how could he have created the world? Such a soul, devoid of all morality, would have no desire to create anything. If he is perfect, he does not strive for the three aims of man, so what advantage would he gain by creating the universe? If you say that he created to no purpose because it was his nature to do so, then God is pointless. If he created in some kind of sport, it was the sport of a foolish child, leading to trouble. If he created because of the [[karma]] of embodied beings [acquired in a previous creation] He is not the Almighty [[Lord]], but subordinate to something else. If out of love for living beings and need of them he made the world, why did he not take creation wholly blissful free from misfortune? If he were transcendent he would not create, for he would be free: Nor if involved in transmigration, for then he would not be almighty. Thus the doctrine that the world was created by God makes no sense at all, And God commits great sin in slaying the children whom he himself created. If you say that he slays only to destroy evil beings, why did he create such beings in the first place? Good men should combat the believer in divine creation, maddened by an evil doctrine. Know that the world is uncreated, as time itself is, without beginning or end, and is based on the principles, life and rest. Uncreated and indestructible, it endures under the compulsion of its own nature. ** {{w|Jinasena}} (9th Century) in the ''[[w:Mahapurana (Jainism)|Mahāpurāna]]'', as translated in ''Primal Myths'' (1979) by Barbara Sproul * '''The very pure spirit does not bother about the regard of others or human respect, but communes inwardly with God, alone and in solitude as to all forms, and with delightful tranquility, for the knowledge of God is received in divine silence.''' ** St. [[John of the Cross]] in ''The Sayings of Light and Love'' as translated by Kieran Kavanaugh and Otilio Rodriguez (1991) * God is a dark night to man in this life. ** St. [[John of the Cross]], ''The Ascent of Mt. Carmel'', I, 2, 1 * '''[[All]]-thing hath the Being by the [[love]] of God.''' ** [[Julian of Norwich]], ''Revelations of Divine Love'' (c. 1393), Ch. 5 * '''God is all that is [[Goodness|good]], as to my sight, and the goodness that each thing hath, it is He.''' ** [[Julian of Norwich]], ''Revelations of Divine Love'' (c. 1393), Ch. 8 * God willeth that we endlessly hate the sin and endlessly love the soul, as God loveth it. ** [[Julian of Norwich]], ''Revelations of Divine Love'' (c. 1393), Ch. 40 * '''[[Truth]] seeth God, and [[Wisdom]] beholdeth God, and of these two cometh the third: that is, a holy marvellous [[delight]] in God; which is [[Love]]. Where Truth and Wisdom are verily, there is Love verily, coming of them both.''' And all of God’s making: for He is endless sovereign Truth, endless sovereign Wisdom, endless sovereign Love, unmade; and man’s Soul is a creature in God which hath the same properties ''made'', and evermore it doeth that it was made for: it seeth God, it beholdeth God, and it loveth God. Whereof God enjoyeth in the creature; and the creature in God, endlessly marvelling. <br> '''In which marvelling he seeth his God, his Lord, his Maker so high, so great, and so good, in comparison with him that is made, that scarcely the creature seemeth ought to the self. But the clarity and the clearness of Truth and Wisdom maketh him to see and to bear witness that he is made for Love, in which God endlessly keepeth him.''' ** [[Julian of Norwich]], ''Revelations of Divine Love'' (c. 1393), Ch. 44 * '''Highly ought we to rejoice that God dwelleth in our soul, and much more highly ought we to rejoice that our soul dwelleth in God.''' Our soul is ''made'' to be God’s dwelling-place; and the dwelling-place of the soul is God, Which is ''unmade''. And high understanding it is, inwardly to see and know that God, which is our Maker, dwelleth in our soul; and an higher understanding it is, inwardly to see and to know that our soul, that is made, dwelleth in God’s Substance: of which Substance, God, we are that we are. <br> And I saw no difference between God and our Substance: but as it were all God; and yet mine understanding took that our Substance is in God: that is to say, that '''God is God, and our Substance is a creature in God.''' ** [[Julian of Norwich]], ''Revelations of Divine Love'' (''c''.1393), Ch. 54 * '''As truly as God is our [[Father]], so truly is God our [[Mother]].''' ** [[Julian of Norwich]], ''Revelations of Divine Love'' (c.1393), Ch. 59 * I beheld with reverent dread, and highly marvelling in the sight and in the feeling of the sweet accord, that '''our Reason is in God'''; understanding that it is the highest gift that we have received; and it is grounded in [[nature]]. ** [[Julian of Norwich]], ''Revelations of Divine Love'' (''c''.1393), Ch. 83 * I saw full surely that ere God made us He loved us; which love was never slacked, nor ever shall be. And in this love He hath done all His works; and in this love He hath made all things profitable to us; and in this love our life is everlasting. '''In our making we had beginning; but the love wherein He made us was in Him from without beginning: in which love we have our beginning. And all this shall we see in God, without end.''' ** [[Julian of Norwich]], ''Revelations of Divine Love'' (c. 1393), Ch. 86 * A god is usually characteristic of a certain system of thought or morality. For instance, take the Christian God, the ''summum bonum'': God is love, love being the highest moral principle; and God is spirit, the spirit being the supreme idea of meaning. All our Christian moral concepts derive from such assumptions, and the supreme essence of all of them is what we call God. ** [[C. G. Jung]], ''Nietzsche's Zarathustra'' (1988), p. 40 == K == * May His great Name be blessed forever and ever. ** The Kaddish Prayer: A new translation with a commentary anthologized from Talmudic, Midrashic and Rabbinic sources. New York: Mesorah Publications, Ltd., 2001, ISBN 0-89906-160-5, p.7 * '''We actually have a candidate for the [[mind]] of God.''' The mind of God we [[believe]] is cosmic [[music]], the music of [[String theory|strings resonating through 11 dimensional]] [[w:Hyperspace|hyperspace]]. That is the mind of God. ** [[Michio Kaku]], [http://bigthink.com/dr-kakus-universe/math-is-the-mind-of-god Math is the Mind of God] (29 December 2012) * We are to love God, not for the gifts bestowed upon us but for the sake of love itself. ** [[w:Eyran Katsenelenbogen|Eyran Katsenelenbogen]], ''One Time'' (2018) * There are no gods! Just voices in your head. They tell you to do what you already want to do. ** [[w:John Kessel|John Kessel]], ''Events Preceding the Helvetican Renaissance'' (2009) in [[w:Gardner Dozois|Gardner Dozois]] & [[w:Jonathan Strahan|Jonathan Strahan]] (eds.) ''[[w:The New Space Opera 2|The New Space Opera 2]]'' (mass market paperback edition, {{ISBN|978-0-06-156236-5}}), p. 86 * If they are gods, they are responsible for the horror that occurs in the world. So they are evil. Why otherwise would they allow things to be as they are? ** [[w:John Kessel|John Kessel]], ''Events Preceding the Helvetican Renaissance'' (2009) in [[w:Gardner Dozois|Gardner Dozois]] & [[w:Jonathan Strahan|Jonathan Strahan]] (eds.) ''[[w:The New Space Opera 2|The New Space Opera 2]],'' p. 91 * Indeed, if we are ever to be free human beings, and not puppets jerked about by unseen forces—which may or may not exist—the gods must go. ** [[w:John Kessel|John Kessel]], ''Events Preceding the Helvetican Renaissance'' (2009) in [[w:Gardner Dozois|Gardner Dozois]] & [[w:Jonathan Strahan|Jonathan Strahan]] (eds.) ''[[w:The New Space Opera 2|The New Space Opera 2]],'' p. 102 * The Christian God is spirit and Christianity is spirit, and there is discord between the flesh and the spirit but the flesh is not the sensuous-it is the selfish. In this sense, even the spiritual can become sensuous-for example, if a person took his spiritual gifts in vain, he would then be carnal. And of course I know that it is not necessary for the Christian that Christ must have been physically beautiful; and it would be grievous-for a reason different from the one you give-because if beauty were some essential, how the believer would long to see him; but from all this it by no means follows that the sensuous is annihilated in Christianity. ** [[Soren Kierkegaard]] ''Either/Or Part II'' (1843) as translated by Hong, p. 50 * If everything is assumed to be in order with regard to the Holy Scriptures-what then? Has the person who did not believe come a single step closer to faith? No, not a single step. Faith does not result from straightforward scholarly deliberation, nor does it come directly; on the contrary, in this objectivity one loses that infinite, personal, impassioned interestedness, which is the condition of faith, the everywhere and nowhere in which faith can come into existence. Has the person who did believe gained anything with regard to the power and strength of faith? No, not in the least; in this prolix knowledge, in this certainty that lurks at faith’s door and craves for it, he is rather in such a precarious position that much effort, much fear and trembling will be needed lest he fall into temptation and confuse knowledge with faith. Whereas up to now faith has been a beneficial taskmaster in uncertainty, but it would be its worst enemy in this certainty. If passion is taken away, faith no longer exists, and certainty and passion do not hitch up as a team. ** ''Soren Kierkegaard, Concluding Unscientific Postscript to Philosophical Fragments'' (1846) as translated by Hong, p. 29 * To live only in the unconditional, to breathe only the unconditional – the human being cannot do this; he perishes like a fish that must live in the air. But on the other hand a human being cannot in the deeper sense live without relating himself to the unconditional; he expires, that is, perhaps goes on living, but spiritlessly. '''Thus the single''' individual must personally relate himself to the unconditional. I believed, and do believe, that this is Christianity and love for “the neighbor.” **'''The Point of View On My Work As An Author by Soren Kierkegaard''' (finished 1848) published by Peter Christian Kierkegaard 1859 translated by Howard and Edna Hong 1998 Princeton University Press P. 19-20 * God is cruel, sometimes he makes you live. ** [[Stephen King]], ''Desperation'' * God said take what you want ... and pay for it. ** [[Stephen King]], ''Desperation'', said by the character "Johnny Marinville" *According to logic 'nothing" is that of which everything can truly be denied and nothing can truly be affirmed. The idea therefore either of a finite or infinite nothing is a contradiction in terms. And yet according to theologians "God the self existent being is a most simple, unchangeable, incorruptible being; without parts, figure, motion, divisibility, or any other such properties as we find in matter. For all such things so plainly and necessarily imply finiteness in their very notion and are utterly inconsistent with complete infinity." Therefore the God here offered to the adoration of the XlXth century lacks every quality upon which man's mind is capable of fixing any judgment. What is this in fact but a being of whom they can affirm nothing that is not instantly contradicted. Their own Bible their Revelation destroys all the moral perceptions they heap upon him unless indeed they call those qualities perfections that every other man's reason and common sense call imperfections, odious vices and brutal wickedness. Nay more he who reads our Buddhist scriptures written for the superstitious masses will fail to find in them a demon so vindictive, unjust, so cruel and so stupid as the celestial tyrant upon whom the Christians prodigally lavish their servile worship and on whom their theologians heap those perfections that are contradicted on every page of their Bible. Truly and veritably your theology has created her God but to destroy him piecemeal. Your church is the fabulous Saturn, who begets children but to devour them. **[[w:Koot Hoomi|Koot Hoomi]], in [[The Mahatma Letters to A. P. Sinnett|''The Mahatma Letters to A. P. Sinnett'']], (1923), Letter No. X, p. 54, 1881 *'''Alex''': You needn't take it any further, sir. You've proved to me that all this ultraviolence and killing is wrong, wrong, and terribly wrong. I've learned me lesson, sir. I've seen now what I've never seen before. I'm cured! Praise god! ** [[A Clockwork Orange]] screenplay by Stanley Kubrick. * The important point is that all the standard attributes assigned to God in our history could equally well be the characteristics of biological entities who billions of years ago were at a stage of development similar to man's own and evolved into something as remote from man as man is remote from the primordial ooze from which he first emerged. :* [[Stanley Kubrick]] Playboy Interview (1968) [http://paulnahm.blogspot.com/2010/06/playboy-interview-wstanley-kubrick-in.html] == L == [[File:Ludovico Mazzolino - God the Father.jpg|thumb|One boy would not get it through his head that for all adults God is not an old man in a white beard sitting on a cloud. ~ [[Madeleine L'Engle]] ]] [[File:God the Father with His Right Hand Raised in Blessing.jpg|thumb|The purposes of the Almighty are perfect, and must prevail, though we erring mortals may fail to accurately perceive them in advance. ~ [[Abraham Lincoln]] ]] * It isn't always the middle-aged who refuse to listen, who will not even try to understand another point of view. One boy would not get it through his head that for all adults God is not an old man in a white beard sitting on a cloud. As far as this boy was concerned, this old gentleman was the adult's god, and therefore he did not believe in God. ** [[Madeleine L'Engle]] in ''The Crosswicks Journal, Book One : A Circle of Quiet'' (1972) * Life is too short and hard and strange not to blame God for what He done made of the world. ** [[w:Jay Lake|Jay Lake]], ''The Temptation of Eustace Prudence McAllen'' in [[w:Martin H. Greenberg|Martin H. Greenberg]] (ed.) ''Westward Weird'' {{ISBN|978-0-7564-0718-6}} p. 199 * ''Homo proponit et Deus disponit.'' ** And governeth alle goode virtues. ** [[William Langland]], ''Vision of Piers Ploughman'' (Ed. 1824), Volume II, p. 427, line 13,984. [[w:John Gerson|John Gerson]] is credited with same. Saying quoted in ''Chronicles of Battel Abbey'' (1066 to 1177). Translation by Lower, 1851, p. 27. [[Homer]], ''Iliad'', XVII. 515. [[Pindar]], ''Olymp'', XIII. 149. [[Demosthenes]], ''De Corona.'', 209. [[Plautus]], ''Bacchid.'' I, 2, 36. [[w:Ammianus Marcellinus|Ammianus Marcellinus]], ''Hist'', XXV. 3. [[Francois Fenelon]], ''Sermon on the Epiphany'', 1685. [[Montaigne]], ''Essay'', Book II, Chapter XXXVII. [[Seneca the Younger]], ''Epistles'', 107. [[w:Cleanthus|Cleanthus]], ''Fragment''. [[Cervantes]], ''Don Quixote'', I. 22. [[Dante]], ''Paradise'', VIII, line 134. [[Friedrich Schiller]], ''Wallenstein's Death'', I, 7. 32. [[w:Ordericus Vitalis|Ordericus Vitalis]], ''Ecclesiastica Historia'', Book III (1075) * I don't believe in God, but I have this idea that if there were a God, or destiny of some kind looking down on us, that if he saw you taking anything for granted he’d take it away. So he'll be like: 'You think this is going pretty well?' Then he'll go and send down some big disaster. ** [[Hugh Laurie]] Stargazing: Heather's Angry, Jane is Ill, Hugh is Anxious Kansas City Star, Wed, Oct. 31, 2007 *These findings provide the first experimental evidence that exposure to [[God]] influences [[Goals|goal pursuit]] and suggest that the ever-present cultural reminders of God can be both burden and benefit for [[W:Self-control|self-regulation]]... From popular and classic works of fiction, to the news media, to everyday conversation, the social world is replete with mentions of God. The current findings suggest that this exposure may have broad societal consequences for fundamental [[psychological]] processes of [[W:Self-control|self-regulation]], which in turn underlie much of [[health]], [[happiness]], and [[productivity|human productivity]]. **[https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/psp-102-1-4.pdf Divergent Effects of Activating Thoughts of God on Self-Regulation], Kristin Laurin, Aaron C. Kay and Grainne M. Fitzsimons, [[W:Journal of Personality and Social Psychology|''Journal of Personality and Social Psychology'']], (January 2012) * God is only a great imaginative experience. ** [[D.H. Lawrence]], ''Phoenix: The Posthumous Papers of D. H. Lawrence'' (1936) pt. 4, edited by E. McDonald * God is a latecomer in the [[w:history of religion|history of religion]]. ** [[w:Gerard van der Leeuw|Gerard van der Leeuw]], ''Phänomenologie der Religion'' * God is a concept by which we measure our pain. ** [[John Lennon]], ''God'' (1970) * The more we get to know about our [[universe]] ... the more the hypothesis that there is a Creator God, who designed the universe for a purpose, gains in credibility as the best explanation of why we are here. ** [[w:John Lennox|John Lennox]], cited in ''[[w:Awake!|Awake!]]'' magazine, 2010, 11/10, article: ''Has Science Done Away With God?'' * Secondly, getting rid of God does not get rid of the suffering. In fact, it can make the pain worse since it gets rid of all ultimate hope and justice. Horgan denies this in his last sentence, but I still maintain he has no ultimate personal hope to offer for anyone, including himself. The vast majority of people who have ever lived have suffered and not received justice in this life. Since, according to atheism, death is the end, then these people will never receive justice since there is no life to come. I applaud Horgan’s positive reaction to what we have achieved in overcoming disease, poverty, oppression and war, but that does not affect my point in the slightest. <br /> Whether God could have made a world in which fire warmed but didn’t burn and there were no destructive earthquakes is difficult. After all, earthquakes are paradoxically essential for the maintenance of life. Certainly, God could have made a world in which there was no moral evil. But there would have been no humans in it--it would be a robotic world. The greatest God-given capacity we humans have is the capacity to love. It inevitably carries with it the capacity to hate. Hence the world presents us all with a mixed picture – beauty and barbed wire. ** [[w:John Lennox|John Lennox]], [https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/cross-check/can-faith-and-science-coexist-mathematician-and-christian-john-lennox-responds/ "Can Faith and Science Coexist? Mathematician and Christian John Lennox Responds" by John Horgan, at ''Scientific American : Cross-Check'' (1 March 2015)] * Is it not better to place a question mark upon a problem while seeking an answer than to put the label "God" there and consider the matter solved? Does not the word "God" only confuse and make more difficult the solution by assuming a conclusion that is utterly groundless and palpably absurd? ** [[Joseph Lewis]], ''The Philosophy of Atheism'' * His Omnipotence means power to do all that is intrinsically possible, not to do the intrinsically impossible. You may attribute miracles to him, but not nonsense. This is no limit to his power. If you choose to say 'God can give a creature free will and at the same time withhold free will from it,' you have not succeeded in saying anything about God: meaningless combinations of words do not suddenly acquire meaning simply because we prefix to them the two other words 'God can.'... It is no more possible for God than for the weakest of his creatures to carry out both of two mutually exclusive alternatives; not because his power meets an obstacle, but because nonsense remains nonsense even when we talk it about God. ** [[C. S. Lewis]] in: ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=NSjlftWk78kC&pg=PA18 The Problem of Pain ]''. Zondervan, 1944, p. 18. * I am much indebted to the good christian people of the country for their constant prayers and consolations; and to no one of them, more than to yourself. '''The purposes of the Almighty are perfect, and must prevail, though we erring mortals may fail to accurately perceive them in advance.''' We hoped for a happy termination of this terrible [[w:American Civil War|war]] long before this; but God knows best, and has ruled otherwise. We shall yet acknowledge His wisdom and our own error therein. Meanwhile we must work earnestly in the best light He gives us, trusting that so working still conduces to the great ends He ordains. Surely He intends some great good to follow this mighty convulsion, which no mortal could make, and no mortal could stay. ** [[Abraham Lincoln]]'s Letter to Eliza Gurney (4 September 1864); quoted in Roy P. Basler, ed., ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln, vol. 7'' (New Brunswick, N.J.: Rutgers University Press, 1953), p. 535 *I can see how it might be possible for a man to look down upon the earth and be an atheist, but I cannot conceive how he could look up into the heavens and say there is no God. **[[Abraham Lincoln]], Recollection by Gilbert J. Greene, quoted in ''The Speaking Oak'' (1902) by Ferdinand C. Iglehart and ''Latest Light on Abraham Lincoln'' (1917) by Ervin S. Chapman * '''I know there is a God, and that He hates injustice and slavery. I see the storm coming, and I know that His hand is in it. If He has a place and work for me–and I think He has–I believe I am ready. I am nothing, but truth is everything. I know I am right because I know that liberty is right, for Christ teaches it, and Christ is God.''' I have told them that a house divided against itself cannot stand, and Christ and reason say the same; and they will find it so. [[Stephen A. Douglas|Douglas]] doesn't care whether slavery is voted up or voted down, but '''God cares, and humanity cares, and I care; and with God’s help I shall not fail. I may not see the end; but it will come and I shall be vindicated'''; and these men will find that they have not read their Bibles aright. ** [[Abraham Lincoln]] anecdote registered by novelist [[w:Josiah Gilbert Holland|Josiah Gilbert Holland]], in his ''Life of Abraham Lincoln'' (1866), Chapter XVI, p. 287. [[w:University of Nebraska Press|University of Nebraska Press]], as something that Lincoln said in a conversation with educator Newman Bateman, in the Autumn of 1860. * Faith in a distant, ephemeral God, solver of problems by house call, has also been left behind. Increasingly I come to understand my religion and priesthood as a committment to the society in which I live. A committment to men and women who struggle for a new social order where [[slavery]] has no place, that prepares people to fully realize themselves, in which injustice and exploitation cease to be our daily bread. I understand Jesus Christ as very related to this matter. I understand Jesus Christ as each one of my brothers and sisters. I understand that in uniting with them in this struggle, perhaps I will be capable of overcoming the small and large personal needs that are only [[relevant]] because they impede me from fully giving myself to this task. ** [[Antonio Llidó]] letter to a friend on March 9, 1971 (from the book ''Antonio Llidó: Epistolario de un compromiso'',Tàndem Edicons,España (1999) {{ISBN|84-8131-227-4}}. * It is the duty of nations, as well as of men, to own their dependence upon the overruling power of God, to confess their sins and transgressions, in humble sorrow, yet with assured hope that genuine repentance will lead to mercy and pardon, and to recognize the sublime truths announced in the Holy Scriptures, and proven by all history, that those nations only are blessed whose God is the Lord. ** [[Abraham Lincoln]], Proclamation for a Day of Fasting, Humiliation and Prayer (30 March 1863) * An' you've gut to git up airly<br>Ef you want to take in God. ** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''The Biglow Papers'' (1848), First Series. No. 1, Stanza 5 == M == [[File:Thanksgiving chapel interior.jpg|thumb|To say that I am made in the image of God is to say that [[Love]] is the reason for my existence, for God is love. <br> Love is my true identity. Selflessness is my true self. Love is my true character. Love is my name. ~ [[Thomas Merton]] ]] * But the thing that's really disturbing about Noah isn't the silly, it's that it's ''immoral''. It's about a psychotic mass murderer who gets away with it, and his name is God. Genesis says God was so angry with himself for screwing up when he made mankind so flawed (grr!), that he sent the flood to kill everyone. Everyone. Men, women, children, babies. <br /> What kind of tyrant punishes everyone just to get back at the few he's mad at? I mean, ''besides'' {{w|Chris Christie}}. Hey God, you know you're kind of a dick when you are in a movie with [[Russell Crowe]], and you're the one with anger issues. You know, conservatives are always going on about how Americans are losing their values and their morality. Well, maybe it's because you worship a guy who drowns ''babies''. ** [[Bill Maher]], ''Real Time with Bill Maher'' {{#formatdate:2014-03-14}} * The Eternal turned his attention to the three shades who stood humbly and yet hopefully before him. The quick, with so short a time to live, when they talk of themselves, talk too much; but the dead, with eternity before them, are so [[verbosity|verbose]] that only angels could listen to them with civility. ** [[W. Somerset Maugham]], ''Collected Short Stories 1'', "The Judgement Seat", p. 314 * It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods. ** [[H. L. Mencken]] in: Donald M Simanek, John. Holden ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=ldX0FkgurzoC&pg=PA253 Science Askew: A Light-hearted Look at the Scientific World]'', CRC Press, Oct 1, 2001, * What in me is dark,<br>Illumine; what is low, raise and support;<br>That to the height of this great argument<br>I may assert eternal Providence,<br>And justify the ways of God to men. ** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book I, line 22 * These are thy glorious works, Parent of good. ** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book V, line 153 * Bright and clear mind — that we call God. ** [[Namboku Mizuno]], ''Food Governs Your Destiny'', p. 103 * God is living in people's hearts, and in God there is no distinction or rank. Therefore God lives in everyone. That's why traditionally it is said that all deities are the same. They say God comes to a person who is very humble and honest. ** [[Namboku Mizuno]], ''Food Governs Your Destiny'', p. 105 * If, it was natural to reason, God punishes men with eternal torment, it is surely lawful for men to use doses of it in a good cause. ** [[Joseph McCabe]] in ''A History of Torture'' * Creator — A [[Comedy|comedian]] whose audience is afraid to [[laugh]]. ** [[H. L. Mencken]], ''A Mencken Chrestomathy,'' ch. 30 (1949) * God is the immemorial refuge of the incompetent, the helpless, the miserable. They find not only sanctuary in his arms, but also a kind of superiority, soothing to their macerated egos; He will set them above their betters. ** [[H. L. Mencken]], ''Minority Report'' (1956) * To say that I am made in the image of God is to say that [[Love]] is the reason for my existence, for God is love.<br>Love is my true identity. Selflessness is my true self. Love is my true character. Love is my name. ** [[Thomas Merton]], ''Seeds of Contemplation'' (1949) * Persons are not known by intellect alone, not by principles alone, but only by love. It is when we love the other, the enemy, that we obtain from God the key to an understanding of who he is, and who we are. It is only this realization that can open to us the real nature of our duty, and of right action. ** [[Thomas Merton]], in a letter to [[Dorothy Day]] (20 December 1961) * O God, we are one with You. You have made us one with You. You have taught us that if we are open to one another, You dwell in us. Help us to preserve this openness and to fight for it with all our hearts. Help us to realize that there can be no understanding where there is mutual rejection. O God, in accepting one another wholeheartedly, fully, completely, we accept You, and we thank You, and we adore You, and we love You with our whole being, because our being is Your being, our spirit is rooted in Your spirit. Fill us then with love, and let us be bound together with love as we go our diverse ways, united in this one spirit which makes You present in the world, and which makes You witness to the ultimate reality that is love. Love has overcome. Love is victorious. Amen. ** [[Thomas Merton]], in his closing prayer to an informal address delivered in Calcutta, India (October 1968), from ''The Asian Journal of Thomas Merton'' (1975); quoted in ''Thomas Merton, Spiritual Master : The Essential Writings'' (1992), p. 237 * There is a very good saying that if triangles invented a god, they would make him three-sided. ** [[Charles de Montesquieu]], ''Lettres persannes'' * If there is anything so precious that without it history and the world will be destroyed, where will you keep it? You will naturally want to keep it in the deepest part of your mind. If you desire to place it in the depths of your mind, it needs to be invisible. It is for this very reason that God exists as an invisible being. It is fortunate that He is invisible, for if He were visible how could a great contest to gain Him be avoided? It would be difficult for God to endure the pain of seeing it. ** [[Sun Myung Moon]], [http://www.unification.net/wogw/wogw1-01.html ''The Way of God's Will'' Chapter 1-1. The Will of God] (1980 translation) * God is not stupid. ** [[Sun Myung Moon]], [http://www.unification.org/ucbooks/WofGW/wogw1-05.htm ''The Way of God's Will'' Chapter 1-5. Tradition, Official Business, and Responsibility] (1980 translation) * If God is merciful, He provides us with little evidence. ** [[Michael Moorcock]], ''The War Hound and the World’s Pain'' (1981), Chapter 6 *...indeed, if there were any modesty left in mankind, the histories of the Bible might abundantly assure men of the existence of [[angels]] and spirits... I look upon it as a special piece of Providence that . . . fresh examples of apparitions may awaken our benumbed and lethargic minds into an assurance that there are other intelligent beings besides those that are clothed in heavy earth or clay . . . for this evidence, showing that there are bad spirits, will necessarily open a door to the belief that there are good ones, and lastly, that there is a [[God]]. **[[Henry More]], quoted by [[H.P. Blavatsky]], in ''Isis Unveiled: A Master-Key to the Mysteries of Ancient and Modern Science and Theology,'' (1877) * God for all anyone knows could be [[Cary Grant]]. ** [[Carole Morin]], ''Dead Glamorous'' (1996) * God isn’t in the details, He’s in the structure. ** [[Carole Morin]], ''Spying on Strange Men'' (2013) == N == [[File:Nyanaponika Maha Thera.jpg|thumb|A Buddhist meditator, while benefiting from the refinement of consciousness he has achieved, will be able to see these meditative experiences for what they are; and he will further know that they are without any abiding substance that could be attributed to a deity manifesting itself to his mind. ~ [[Nyanaponika Thera]]]] <!-- [[File:Light dispersion conceptual.gif|thumb|From blind physical necessity, which is always and everywhere the same, no variety adhering to time and place could evolve, and all variety of created objects which represent order and life in the universe could happen only by the willful reasoning of its original Creator, Whom I call the Lord God. ~ [[Isaac Newton]] ]] [[File:Darwinek-bnw.jpg|thumb|God is dead: but considering the state Man is in, there will perhaps be caves, for ages yet, in which his shadow will be shown. ~ [[Friedrich Nietzsche]] ]] [[File:Orvieto Pozzo San Patrizio 5.JPG|thumb| I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche]] --> * The appeal to a religious meaning to life is a bit different. If you believe that the meaning of your life comes from fulfilling the purpose of God, who loves you, and seeing Him in eternity, then it doesn't seem appropriate to ask, "And what is the point of that?"It's supposed to be something which is its own point, and can't have a purpose outside itself. But for this very reason it has its own problems.<br>The idea of God seems to be the idea of something that can explain everything else, without having to be explained itself. But it's very hard to understand how there could be such a thing. If we ask the question, "Why is the world like this?" and are offered a religious answer, how can we be prevented from asking again, "And why is that true?" What kind of answer would bring all of our "Why?" questions to a stop, once and for all? And if they can stop there, why couldn't they have stopped earlier?<br>The same problem seems to arise if God and His purposes are offered as the ultimate explanation of the value and meaning of our lives. The idea that our lives fulfil God's purpose is supposed to give them their point, in a way that doesn't require or admit of any further point. One isn't supposed to ask "What is the point of God?" any more than one is supposed to ask, "What is the explanation of God?"<br>But my problem here, as with the role of God as ultimate explanation, is that I'm not sure I understand the idea. Can there really be something which gives point to everything else by encompassing it, but which couldn't have, or need, any point itself? Something whose point can't be questioned from outside because there is no outside?<br>If God is supposed to give our lives a meaning that we can't understand, it's not much of a consolation. God as ultimate justification, like God as ultimate explanation, may be an incomprehensible answer to a question that we can't get rid of. On the other hand, maybe that's the whole point, and I am just failing to understand religious ideas. Perhaps the belief in God is the belief that the universe is intelligible, but not to US. ** [[Thomas Nagel]], ''What Does It All Mean?: A Very Short Introduction to Philosophy'' (1987), Ch. 10. The Meaning of Life * '''It behooves man to take to heart who it is that hath created him, and who hath developed him from a foul-smelling drop in the womb of woman, who hath brought him to the light of the world, who hath given sight to his eyes, and who hath bestowed the power of motion upon his feet, who maketh him to stand upright, who hath infused the breath of life into him, and who hath imparted of His own pure spirit unto him.''' Happy the man, therefore, that polluteth not the holy spirit of God within him by doing evil deeds, and well for him if he returns it to his Creator as he received it." ** Naphtali son of Jacob, as cited in ''Legends of the Jews'' (1909) * '''The Ultimate [[Truth]] is called God.''' This one can realize in the state of Nirvikalpa Samadhi. '''A circle can have only one centre but it can have numerous radii. The centre can be compared to God and the radii to religions.''' So, no one sect, no one [[religion]] or [[book]] can make an absolute claim of It. '''He who works for It gets It.''' **[[Swami Narayanananda]], ''Selected Articles 1933-86'' (2002), p. 301 * The poor is almost always seen to have a prophetic capacity: not only is the poor in the world, but the poor is the very possibility of the world. Only the poor lives radically the actual and present being, in destitution and suffering, and thus only the poor has the ability to renew being. The divinity of the multitude of the poor does not point to any transcendence. On the contrary, here and only here in this world, in the existence of the poor, is the field of immanence presented, confirmed, consolidated, and opened. The poor is god on earth. ** [[Michael Hardt and Antonio Negri]], ''Empire'' (2000), p. 157 * '''This most beautiful system of the sun, planets, and comets could only proceed from the counsel and dominion of an intelligent and powerful Being.''' This Being governs all things, not as the soul of the world, but as Lord over all, and on account of His dominion He is wont to be called Lord God, Universal Ruler. ** [[Isaac Newton]], ''[[w:Philosophiae Naturalis Principia Mathematica|Philosophiae Naturalis Principia Mathematica]]'' (1687) * All these things being considered, it seems probable to me, that God in the beginning formed matter in solid, massy, hard, impenetrable, moveable particles, of such sizes and figures, and with such other properties, and in such proportion to space, as most conduced to the end for which he formed them; and that these primitive particles, being solids, are incomparably harder than any porous bodies compounded of them; even so very hard, as never to wear or break in pieces; no ordinary power being able to divide what God himself made one in the first creation. ** [[Isaac Newton]], ''[[w:Opticks|Opticks, or A Treatise of the Reflections, Refractions, Inflections and Colours of Light]]'', 4th edition (1730) * A Heavenly Master governs all the world as Sovereign of the universe. We are astonished at Him by reason of His perfection, we honor Him and fall down before Him because of His unlimited power. From blind physical necessity, which is always and everywhere the same, no variety adhering to time and place could evolve, and all variety of created objects which represent order and life in the universe could happen only by the willful reasoning of its original Creator, Whom I call the Lord God. ** [[Isaac Newton]], as quoted in ''Our Humanist Heritage'' (2010) by George Frater, p. 75 * You see what it was that really triumphed over the Christian God: Christian morality itself, the concept of truthfulness that was understood more rigorously, the father confessor’s refinement of the Christian conscience, translated and sublimated into a scientific conscience, into intellectual cleanliness at any price. ** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The Gay Science'', § 357, Kauffman trans. * ''Gott ist eine Mutmaßung; aber ich will, daß euer Mutmaßen nicht weiter reiche, als euer schaffender Wille.'' ** God is an assumption; but I want your assuming to reach no further than your creative will. *** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], "Upon the Blessed Isles", ''Thus Spoke Zarathustra'' * ''Gott ist ein Gedanke, der macht alles Gerade krumm.'' ** '''God is a thought which makes crooked all that is straight.''' *** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], "Upon the Blessed Isles", ''Thus Spoke Zarathustra'' * '''God is dead: but considering the state Man is in, there will perhaps be caves, for ages yet, in which his shadow will be shown.''' ** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], in ''The Gay Science'' (1882), section 125 ** The reduction of Nietzsche's thought to … the first-liner of a graffito sometimes found in certain modern tiled cells and catacombs: :: '''God is dead''' — Nietzsche <br> Nietzsche is dead — '''God''' : This reduction could appear to be the creative interpretation of masterful will to power — if Nietzsche's thought and style are as uncontrolled as the critics suggest. … Nietzsche himself anticipates the strife of revengeful graffiti at the conclusion of his text: "Wherever there are walls I shall inscribe this eternal accusation against Christianity upon them — I can write in letters which make even the blind see." …Nietzsche says in his preface that his readers must have a "predestination for the labyrinth" and "new ears for new music" if they are to understand this difficult writing. :* Gary Shapiro in ''Nietzschean Narratives'' (1989), p. 126 * '''I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time.''' ** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], as quoted in ''20,000 Quips & Quotes'' (1995) edited by Evan Esar, p. 347 * "Will to truth" does not mean "I do not want to let myself be deceived" but—there is no alternative—"I will not deceive, not even myself"; and with that we stand on moral ground. ... You will have gathered what I am getting at, namely, that it is still a metaphysical faith upon which our faith in science rests—that even we knowers of today, we godless anti-metaphysicians, still take our fire, too, from the flame lit by the thousand-year-old faith, the Christian faith which was also [[Plato|Plato's]] faith, that God is truth; that truth is divine. ** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The Gay Science'' (1882), B. Williams, ed. (2001), § 344 * What differentiates us is not that we find no God—neither in history, nor in nature, nor behind nature—but that we do not feel that what has been revered as God is ‘god-like.’ ** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The Antichrist'', § 47, in W. Kaufmann, ''Nietzsche'', p. 101 * '''God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant.''' He could fix my life in five minutes if He wanted to, but he'd rather tear off my feelers and watch me squirm. ** "Bruce [[Giordano Bruno|Nolan]]" in ''[[Bruce Almighty]]'' (2003) * '''There probably is a God. Many things are easier to explain if there is than if there isn't.''' ** [[John von Neumann]], as quoted in ''John Von Neumann : The Scientific Genius Who Pioneered the Modern Computer , Game Theory, Nuclear Deterrence and Much More'' (1992) by Norman Macrae, p. 379 * After rising from deep [[w:Dhyāna in Buddhism|meditative absorption]] ([[w:jhāna|jhāna]]), the Buddhist meditator is advised to view the physical and mental factors constituting his experience in the light of the three characteristics of all conditioned existence: [[w:Impermanence|impermanence]], [[w:Dukkha|liability to suffering]], and [[w:Anatta|absence of an abiding ego or eternal substance]]. This is done primarily in order to utilize the meditative purity and strength of consciousness for the highest purpose: liberating insight. But this procedure also has a very important side effect which concerns us here: the meditator will not be overwhelmed by any uncontrolled emotions and thoughts evoked by his singular experience, and will thus be able to avoid interpretations of that experience not warranted by the facts.<br>Hence a Buddhist meditator, while benefiting from the refinement of consciousness he has achieved, will be able to see these meditative experiences for what they are; and he will further know that they are without any abiding substance that could be attributed to a deity manifesting itself to his mind. ** [[Nyanaponika Thera]], "Buddhism and the God-Idea" (1962) == O == *Man is born broken. He lives by mending. The grace of God is glue. **[[Eugene O'Neill]], [http://gutenberg.net.au/ebooks04/0400091h.html The Great God Brown] (1926) *'''Near''': Nobody can say what is right and what is wrong, what is righteous and what is evil. Even if there is a God, and I had his teachings before me, I would think it through and decide if that was right or wrong myself. ** [[Death Note]] chapter 105, written by Tsugumi Ohba * Can omniscient God, who<br>Knows the future, find<br>The Omnipotence to<br> Change His future mind? **[[w:Karen Owens|Karen Owens]] in: ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=yq1xDpicghkC&pg=PA101 The God Delusion]'', Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, Jan 16, 2008, p. 101. * Having refuted, then, as well as we could, every notion which might suggest that we were to think of God as in any degree corporeal, we go on to say that, according to strict truth, '''God is incomprehensible, and incapable of being measured.''' For whatever be the knowledge which we are able to obtain of God, either by perception or reflection, we must of necessity believe that He is by many degrees far better than what we perceive Him to be. ** [[Origen]] ''On First Principles'', Bk. 1, ch. 1; par. 5 * ''Cura pii Dis sunt, & qui coluere coluntur.'' ** Heaven rewards the pious; those who cherish God<br>Themselves are cherished. ** [[Ovid]], ''Metamorphoses'', VIIL, 725 == P == [[File:General George S. Patton gravesite, Luxembourg.jpg|thumb|It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who [[Death|died]]. Rather we should thank God that such men [[Life|lived]]. ~ [[George S. Patton, Jr.]] ]] [[File:Terry Pratchett Arms.svg|thumb|I don't think I've found God, but I may have seen where gods come from. ~ [[Terry Pratchett]] ]] * Thus, to the fourth question in the Westminster Shorter Catechism, ''"What is God?"'', the answer read as follows: God is a [[Holy Spirit|Spirit]], [[infinite]], eternal and uncheangeable, in his being, [[wisdom]], power, [[Sacred#Distinguished from "Holy"|holiness]], justice and [[truth]]. : This statement the great [[Charles Hodge]] described as ''"probably the best definition of God ever penned by a man."'' (p. 21). : The [[Book of Daniel]] tells us about the wisdom, might and truth oft he great God who rules history and shows his [[sovereignty]] in acts of judgement and mercy towards individuals and nations according to his own pleasure (p. 29). :* {{cite book|url= https://books.google.it/books?id=06yoMWEmwPYC&pg=PA7&dq=knowing+god&hl=it&source=gbs_selected_pages&cad=2|first1= James I.|last1= Packer|title= Knowing God|publisher= InterVarsity Press|edition= first|year= 1973|chapter= 1 - The study of God|location= Downers Grove, Illinois|language= en|pages= 21, 29|isbn= 978-0-8308-1651-4|lccn= 73-81573|archive-url= |archive-date=|deadurl= }} * '''Those of us who are [[Gnosticism|Gnostics]] believe that [[all]] [[people]] are ultimately saved and that God always [[Love|loves]] us, no matter what we do. These beliefs are [[Truth|true]], but they can very easily be simplified and misunderstood.''' God is never [[Anger|angry]] with us in the way in which a vengeful [[human]] would reject us, but God’s love for us has a dark side and one which we should rightfully [[fear]]. '''God loves us not in a sentimental way which aims at our ease and [[pleasure]] but, rather in a way which aims at our highest [[good]] and with an intensity which no one, even the highest [[angels]], can understand.''' God is absolutely determined, with an [[infinite]] determination, to rid us of all that does not reflect His Goodness. As one of our hymns puts it, ::''“But unto wrong what is His Name? <br> Our God is a consuming [[flame]] <br> To every [[wrong]] beneath the [[sun]]!”'' : And, because of that, '''God’s [[punishments]] are terrible, and it is wise to fear them.''' :* Edward J. Parkinson, in [http://www.catholicgnostics.com/node/17 "Divine Justice: Gnostic Reflections on Some Often Terrifying Realities" at ''CatholicGnostics.com''] * ''FEU. Dieu d'Abraham, Dieu d'Isaac, Dieu de Jacob, non des philosophes et savants. Certitude. Certitude. Sentiment. Joie. Paix.'' ** '''FIRE. God of Abraham, God of Isaac, God of Jacob, not of the philosophers and scholars. Certainty. Certainty. Feeling. Joy. Peace.''' ** [[Blaise Pascal]], Note on a parchment stitched to the lining of Pascal's coat, found by a servant shortly after his death, as quoted in [[w:Francis Crawford Burkitt|Burkitt]] ''Speculum religionis'' (1929), p. 150 * Compare not thyself with others, but with Me. If thou dost not find Me in those with whom thou comparest thyself, thou comparest thyself to one who is abominable. If thou findest Me in them, compare thyself to Me. But whom wilt thou compare? Thyself, or Me in thee? If it is thyself, it is one who is abominable. If it is I, thou comparest Me to Myself. Now I am God in all. ** [[Blaise Pascal]], ''[[Pensées]]'' (1669), § 554 * Posterity will one day [[laugh]] at the [[Fools|foolishness]] of modern materialistic philosophers. The more I study [[nature]], the more I stand amazed at the work of the Creator. I pray while I am engaged at my work in the laboratory. **[[Louis Pasteur]], as quoted in ''The Literary Digest'' (18 October 1902) *The more I study nature, the more I stand amazed at the work of the Creator. **[[Louis Pasteur]], as quoted in ''The Literary Digest'' (18 October 1902) * Science, which brings man nearer to God **[[Louis Pasteur]], quoted in René Vallery-Radot, ''The Life of Pasteur'' (1902), vol. 1, p. 194 * '''It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who [[Death|died]]. Rather we should thank God that such men [[Life|lived]]..''' ** General [[George S. Patton, Jr.]], in a speech at the Copley Plaza Hotel, Boston Massachusetts (7 June 1945), quoted in ''Patton : Ordeal and Triumph'' (1970) by Ladislas Farago [[File:Plato and Aristotle in The School of Athens, by italian Rafael.jpg|thumb|You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters... Not one of them who took up in his youth with this opinion that there are no gods ever continued until old age faithful to his conviction. ~ [[Plato]]]] * '''The word "God," so "capitalised" (as we Americans say), is ''the'' definable proper name, signifying ''Ens [[Necessity|necessarium]]''; in my belief Really creator of all three Universes of Experience.''' ** [[Charles Sanders Peirce]], in "[[s:A Neglected Argument for the Reality of God|A Neglected Argument for the Reality of God]]" (1908), § I. ''Ens necessarium'' is a latin expression which signifies "Necessary being, necessary entity". * A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. ** [[Alan Perlis]] (1982) ''Epigrams on Programming''. nr.79 * '''The hypothesis of God is a peculiar one, in that it supposes an infinitely incomprehensible object, although every hypothesis, as such, supposes its object to be truly conceived in the hypothesis.''' This leaves the hypothesis but one way of understanding itself; namely, as vague yet as true so far as it is definite, and as continually tending to define itself more and more, and without limit. The hypothesis, being thus itself inevitably subject to the law of growth, appears in its vagueness to represent God as so, albeit this is directly contradicted in the hypothesis from its very first phase. But this apparent attribution of growth to God, since it is ineradicable from the hypothesis, cannot, according to the hypothesis, be flatly false. Its implications concerning the Universes will be maintained in the hypothesis, while its implications concerning God will be partly disavowed, and yet held to be less false than their denial would be. Thus the hypothesis will lead to our thinking of features of each Universe as purposed; and this will stand or fall with the hypothesis. Yet a purpose essentially involves growth, and so cannot be attributed to God. Still it will, according to the hypothesis, be less false to speak so than to represent God as purposeless. ** [[Charles Sanders Peirce]], in "A Neglected Argument for the Reality of God" (1908), § II * All matter originates and exists only by virtue of a force which brings the particle of an atom to vibration and holds this most minute solar system of the atom together. We must assume behind this force the existence of a conscious and intelligent mind. '''This [[mind]] is the matrix of all matter.''' ** [[Max Planck]], as he accepted the Nobel Prize (1919) *You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters... Not one of them who took up in his youth with this opinion that there are no gods ever continued until old age faithful to his conviction. **[[Plato]]'s ''[[w:Laws (dialogue)|The Laws]]'' (his last and longest dialogue). * God is truth and light his shadow. ** [[Plato]] * God is a geometrician. ** Attributed to [[Plato]], but not found in his works * Laugh where we must, be candid where we can,<br>But vindicate the ways of God to man. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''An Essay on Man'' (1733-34), Epistle I, line 15 * Lo, the poor Indian! whose untutored mind<br>Sees God in clouds, or hears him in the wind. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''An Essay on Man'' (1733-34), Epistle I, line 99 * To Him no high, no low, no great, no small;<br>He fills, He bounds, connects and equals all! ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''An Essay on Man'' (1733-34), Epistle I, line 277 * He mounts the [[storm]], and walks upon the [[wind]]. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''An Essay on Man'' (1733-34), Epistle II, line 110 * An honest man's the noblest work of God. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''An Essay on Man'' (1733-34), Epistle IV, line 248 * Slave to no sect, who takes no private road,<br>But looks through Nature up to Nature's God. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''An Essay on Man'' (1733-34), Epistle IV, line 331 * '''I don't have much truck with the "[[religion]] is the cause of most of our wars" school of thought because that is manifestly done by mad, manipulative and power-hungry men who cloak their ambition in God.'''<br> I number believers of all sorts among my friends. Some of them are praying for me. I'm happy they wish to do this, I really am, but I think science may be a better bet. ** [[Terry Pratchett]], in [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1028222/I-create-gods-time--I-think-exist.html "I create gods all the time - now I think one might exist, says fantasy author Terry Pratchett" in ''The Daily Mail'' (21 June 2008)] * '''I don't think I've found God, but I may have seen where gods come from.''' ** [[Terry Pratchett]], in "I create gods all the time - now I think one might exist, says fantasy author Terry Pratchett" in ''The Daily Mail'' (21 June 2008) * The first act of man, filled and carried away with enthusiasm (of the divine breath), is to adore the invisible Providence on which he feels that he depends, and which he calls GOD. ** [[Pierre-Joseph Proudhon]], ''The Philosophy of Misery''. § 1.1 *Indeed the inscrutable [[One]] is out of the reach of every rational process. <br /> Nor can any words come up to the inexpressible Good, this One, this Source of all unity, this super-existent Being. <br /> '''Mind beyond mind, word beyond speech, it is gathered up by no discourse, by no intuition, by no name. <br /> It is and it is as no other being is.''' ** Pseudo-Dionysius, ''The Divine Names'', 1, 1 * One thing I can't stand, it's people groveling. ** God, in ''[[Monty Python and the Holy Grail]]'' == Q == == R == [[File:Ngc1999.jpg|thumb|The [[Wisdom]] of God Manifested in the [[Works]] of the [[Creation]]. ~ [[John Ray]] ]] [[File:Electric iron stand.jpg|thumb|If a person who indulges in gluttony is a glutton, and a person who commits a felony is a felon, then God is an iron. ~ [[Spider Robinson]] ]] [[File:AnttlersNewM45.jpg|thumb|In the [[presence]] of [[infinite]] might and infinite [[wisdom]], the [[strength]] of the strongest man is but weakness, and the keenest of [[mortal]] [[eyes]] see but dimly. ~ [[Theodore Roosevelt]] ]] [[File:Pasternak-rilke.jpeg|thumb|There are proofs of Your existence. I had forgotten them all, and never demanded any either, for what an overwhelming obligation would come with this certainty. ~ [[Rainer Maria Rilke]]]] [[File:Rilke in Moscow by L.Pasternak (1928).jpg|thumb|Is it possible that there are people who say "God" and suppose they mean something shared by all? — Only consider two schoolboys: one of them buys a knife, and the other buys an identical one on the same day. And a week later, they show each other the two knives, and they turn out to be only remotely similar, so differently have they been shaped by different hands. ... Is it possible to believe we could have a god without making use of him? ~ [[Rainer Maria Rilke]]]] * All true knowledge of God begins with the knowledge of his hiddenness. ** [[w:Gerhard von Rad|Gerhard von Rad]], ''Old Testament Theology. Volume II: The Theology of Israel's Prophetic Traditions'' (1960). Louisville: Westminster John Knox Press, 2001, p. 377 * '''He who is called [[Brahman]] by the [[w:Jnana|jnanis]] is known as [[w:Atman|Atman]] by the [[w:yogi|yogis]] and as [[w:Bhagavan|Bhagavan]] by the [[w:Bhakti|bhaktas]].''' The same brahmin is called priest, when worshipping in the temple, and cook, when preparing a meal in the kitchen. '''The ''jnani'', following the path of knowledge, always reason about the Reality saying, "not this, not this." Brahman is neither "this" nor "that"; It is neither the universe nor its living beings. Reasoning in this way, the mind becomes steady.''' Finally it disappears and the aspirant goes into [[w:samadhi|samadhi]]. This is the Knowledge of Brahman. It is the unwavering conviction of the jnani that Brahman alone is real and the world is illusory. '''All these [[names]] and forms are illusory, like a [[dream]]. What Brahman is cannot be described.''' One cannot even say that Brahman is a Person. This is the opinion of the jnanis, the followers of Vedanta. But '''the bhaktas accept all the states of consciousness. They take the waking state to be real also. They don't think the world to be illusory, like a dream. They say that the universe is a manifestation of the God's [[power]] and [[glory]]. God has created all these — [[sky]], [[stars]], [[moon]], [[sun]], [[mountains]], [[ocean]], [[men]], [[animals]]. They constitute His glory.''' He is within us, in our hearts. Again, He is outside. The most advanced devotees say that He Himself has become all this — the 24 cosmic principles, the universe, and all living beings. '''The devotee of God wants to eat sugar, and not become sugar.''' (All laugh.) Do you know how a lover of God feels? His attitude is: "O God, Thou art the Master, and I am Thy servant. Thou art the Mother, and I Thy child." Or again: "Thou art my Father and Mother. '''Thou art the Whole, and I am a part.'''" He does not like to say, "I am Brahman." They yogi seeks to realize the [[w:Paramatman|Paramatman]], the Supreme Soul. '''His ideal is the union of the embodied soul and the Supreme Soul.''' He withdraws his mind from sense objects and tries to concentrate on the Paramatman. Therefore, during the first stage of his spiritual discipline, he retires into solitude and with undivided attention practices [[meditation]] in a fixed posture. <br> But the reality is one and the same; the difference is only in name. He who is Brahman is verily Atman, and again, He is the Bhagavan. He is Brahman to the followers of the path of knowledge, Paramatman to the yogis, and Bhagavan to the lovers of God. ** [[Ramakrishna]], ''The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna'' (1942), p. 132 * '''The [[Wisdom]] of God Manifested in the [[Works]] of the [[Creation]].''' ** [[John Ray]], title of a book (1691) * Most intellectual people do not [[believe]] in God, but they [[fear]] him just the same. ** [[Wilhelm Reich]], in James Lee Christian ''Philosophy : An Introduction to the Art of Wondering'', (2005), p. 556. * The god of many cannot remain the true god. ** [[James Richardson]], ''Vectors: Aphorisms and Ten Second Essays'' (2001), #138 * Is it possible that there are people who say "God" and suppose they mean something shared by all? &mdash; Only consider two schoolboys: one of them buys a knife, and the other buys an identical one on the same day. And a week later, they show each other the two knives, and they turn out to be only remotely similar, so differently have they been shaped by different hands. ... Is it possible to believe we could have a god without making use of him? ** [[Rainer Maria Rilke]], ''[[w:The Notebooks of Malte Laurids Brigge|The Notebooks of Malte Laurids Brigge]]'' (1910), as translated by Michael Hulse (2009), p. 16 * A thought struck me abruptly: My God, you do ''exist'', then. There are proofs of Your existence. I had forgotten them all, and never demanded any either, for what an overwhelming obligation would come with this certainty. And yet that is what is now being shown to me. ** [[Rainer Maria Rilke]], ''[[w:The Notebooks of Malte Laurids Brigge|The Notebooks of Malte Laurids Brigge]]'' (1910), as translated by Michael Hulse (2009), p. 135 * When I speak of All That Is, you must understand my position within it. All That Is knows no other. This does not mean that there <u>may</u> not be more to know. It does not mean, and here words quite fail us, it does not mean that All That Is, in any terms we can conceive of, <u>may</u> not be limited. It <u>knows</u> of no other. ** [[Jane Roberts]], (1997) * If a person who indulges in gluttony is a glutton, and a person who commits a felony is a felon, then God is an iron. ** [[Spider Robinson]], in "God is an Iron" (1977) * We must question the story logic of having an all-knowing all-powerful God, who creates faulty Humans, and then blames them for his own mistakes. ** [[Gene Roddenberry]], Free Inquiry (autumn, 1992) * I think God is as much a basic ingredient in the universe as neutrons and positrons . . . God is, for lack of a better term, clout. This is the prime force, when we look around the universe. ** [[Gene Roddenberry]] [https://books.google.com/books?isbn=113558088X] * If you do not know your heart, you do not know your God. ** [[Radoslav Rochallyi]], "Mythra Invictus", published in VSS:Bratislava, (2019), p. 62 *Also, if you read attentively and objectively the "Letter about God": in [[w:The Mahatma Letters to A.P. Sinnett|The Mahatma Letters]], you will see that the Mahatma repudiates the sacrilegious and anthropomorphic conception of a Personal god—cruel and unjust, chastising with eternal damnation all so-called heretics, and justifying all the crimes committed in his Holy Name! Verily, such a God cannot have a Mahatma's approval and respect. **[[Helena Roerich]] ''Letters I,'' (8 September 1934) *Its Humanity develops fully only in the Fourth—our Fourth—our present Round. Up to this fourth Life-Cycle, it is referred to as 'humanity' only for lack of a more appropriate term. Like the grub which becomes chrysalis and butterfly, Man, or rather that which becomes man, passes through all the forms and kingdoms during the first Round and through all the human shapes during the two following Rounds... During the three Rounds to come, Humanity, like the globe [planet] on which it lives, will be ever tending to reassume its primeval form, that of a Dhyan-Chohanic Host. Man tends to become a God and then—GOD, like every other atom in the Universe... **[[Helena Roerich]] ''Letters II,'' (16 November 1935) *The Ruling Principle of the Universe is one of Harmony and Love—God is Love. Therefore, if we wish to embody the most ancient axiom, "as above, so below," we should become unified precisely upon this principle of love and should be subordinate to it, regarding it as our only boundless Ruler. **[[Helena Roerich]] ''Letters II,'' (15 April 1936) *By propagating the dogma of Jesus Christ as the only begotten Son of God, the Church contradicts the very sense of the prayer given to us by Jesus Christ himself, "Our Father which art in heaven." And also the words of the Scriptures, "So God created man in his own image." (Genesis 1:27) **[[Helena Roerich]] ''Letters II,'' (2 April 1936) *Verily, there is nothing more sacrilegious for human consciousness than to limit the Ineffable Grandeur of the Divine Principle that is poured out over the entire Universe. Assuredly, from this monstrous, ignorant belittling issue all the unworthy concepts of God. Man, in his conceit, tries to bring everything down to his own level and likeness... Indeed, the books of the Teaching are full of concepts of the Divine Principle, or God, and of Spirit and spirituality. **[[Helena Roerich]] ''Letters II,'' (24 May 1936) *The God in us is the sole reality; all else, as beautifully and poetically expressed by the East, is but the "Play of the Great Mother of the World."...There is no God, or Gods, who was not at some time a man. **[[Helena Roerich]] ''Letters II,'' (24 May 1936) * '''In the presence of infinite might and infinite wisdom, the strength of the strongest man is but weakness, and the keenest of mortal eyes see but dimly.''' ** [[Theodore Roosevelt]]'s Christian Citizenship Address before the Young Men's Christian Association, Carnegie Hall, New York (30 December 1900) * '''Nothing remains, under God, but those passions which have often proved''' the best ministers of His vengeance, and '''the surest protectors of the world.''' ** [http://www.archive.org/stream/elementarysketc03smitgoog#page/n440/mode/2up Lecture XXVIL: On Habit - Part II, in “Elementary Sketches of Moral Philosophy”, delivered at The Royal Institution in the years 1804, 1805, and 1806 by the late Rev. Sydney Smith, M.A. (Spottiswoodes and Shaw (London: 1849))], p. 424 *** Another Variant: '''When the usual hopes and the common aids of man are all gone, nothing remains under God but those passions which have often proved the best ministers of His purpose and the surest protectors of the world.''' *** Quoted by [[w:Theodore Roosevelt|Theodore Roosevelt]] in his "[http://www.theodore-roosevelt.com/images/research/txtspeeches/668.pdf Brotherhood and the Heroic Virtues]" Address at the Veterans' Reunion, Burlington, Vermont, September 5, 1901 and published in Theodore Roosevelt's "The Strenuous Life: Essays and Addresses" by Dover Publications (April 23, 2009) in its Dover Thrift Editions (ISBN: 978-0486472294), p. 127 * Kill one man and you are a murderer. Kill millions and you are a conqueror. Kill everyone and you are a God. ** [[Jean Rostand]], ''Thoughts of a Biologist'' (1939) * '''If I were granted omnipotence, and millions of years to experiment in, I should not think Man much to boast of as the final result of all my efforts.''' ** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Religion and Science'' * If there were a God, I think it very unlikely that he would have such an uneasy vanity as to be offended by those who doubt his existence. ** [[Bertrand Russell]], quoted in ''Bertrand Russell's Best'' (1958), "On Religion" * [[Pragmatists]] explained that Truth is what it pays to believe. Historians of morals reduced the Good to a matter of tribal custom. Beauty was abolished by artists in a revolt against the sugary insipidities of a philistine epoch and in a mood of fury in which satisfaction is to be derived only from what hurts. And so the world was swept clear not only of God as a person but of God's essence as an ideal to which man owed an ideal allegiance. ** [[Bertrand Russell]], "On Being Modern-Minded," ''Unpopular Essays'' (1950), p. 69 == S == [[File:Tree of Life 2009 large.png |thumb|Individual things are nothing but modifications of the attributes of God, or modes by which the attributes of God are expressed in a fixed and definite manner. ~ [[Baruch Spinoza]] ]] * I think that if there were a God, there would be less evil on this earth. I believe that if evil exists here below, then either it was willed by God or it was beyond His powers to prevent it. Now I cannot bring myself to fear a God who is either spiteful or weak. I defy Him without fear and care not a fig for his thunderbolts. ** [[Marquis de Sade]], ''Justine or The Misfortunes of Virtue'' (1787) [This quote is strikingly similar to Epicurus' above.] * The existence of the world without God seems to me less absurd than the presence of a God, existing in all his perfection, creating an imperfect man in order to make him run the risk of Hell. ** [[w:Armand Salacrou|Armand Salacrou]] in ''Ceritudes et incertitudes'' (1943) * Respectable society believed in God in order to avoid having to speak about him. ** [[Jean-Paul Sartre]], ''The Words'' (1964) * ''Gott werden, Mensch sein, sich bilden, sind Ausdrücke, die einerlei bedeuten.'' **To become God, to be human, to cultivate oneself are all expressions that mean the same thing. *** [[Friedrich Schlegel]], ''Lucinde and the Fragments'', P. Firchow, trans. (1991), “Athenaeum Fragments” § 262 * There are as many gods as there are ideals. And further, the relation of the true artist and the true human being to his ideals is absolutely religious. The man for whom this inner divine service is the end and occupation of all his life is a priest, and this is how everyone can and should become a priest. ** [[Friedrich Schlegel]], ''Philosophical Fragments'', P. Firchow, trans. (1991) § 406 * In saying we are in immediate relation with God, the latter term is used only to designate the ''Whence'' of our spontaneous and receptive life, of which we become aware in our feeling of absolute dependence. ** [[Friedrich Schleiermacher]], in ''Theology of Schleiermacher'' (1911), pp. 121-122 *I can see him. I know that God is real. I know it in my heart. You can only believe in what you know to be [[Truth|true]]. You know your own truth. I know mine. Everyone should be able to find that within themselves... I want to live my life for God, and let other people take from that whatever they want. **[[Rachel Scott]], as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=kI4YwhBD7FgC&pg=PA149 ''No Easy Answers: The Truth Behind Death at Columbine''] (2002), by Brooks Brown and Rob Merritt, New York: Lantern Books, pp. 149&ndash;150 * '''I think the [[destiny]] of all men is not to sit in the rubble of their own making but to reach out for an ultimate [[perfection]] which is to be had. At the moment, it is a [[dream]]. But as of the [[moment]] we clasp hands with our neighbor, we build the first span to bridge the gap between the young and the old. At this hour, it’s a [[wish]]. But we have it within our [[power]] to make it a [[reality]]. If you want to prove that God is not [[dead]], first prove that [[man]] is [[alive]].''' ** [[Rod Serling]] seech at Moorpark College, Moorpark, California (3 December 1968) * You have in yourself some thing similar to God, and therefore use yourself as the temple of God, on account of that which in you resembles God. * The greatest honor which can be paid to God is to know and imitate him. * Consider lost all the time in which you do not think of divinity. * A good intellect is the choir of divinity. * You should not dare to speak of God to the multitude. * He who is worthy of God is also a god among men. * He best honors God who makes his intellect as like God as possible. ** [[Quintus Sextius]] ''[[w:Sentences of Sextus|Sentences of Sextus]]'' * '''We are all writing God's poem.''' ** [[Anne Sexton]], as quoted by [[Erica Jong]], in [http://www.guardian.co.uk/theguardian/2000/oct/26/features11.g2 "Into the lion's den" in ''The Guardian'' (26 October 2000)] * God is our fortress, in whose conquering name<br>Let us resolve to scale their flinty bulwarks. ** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry VI, Part 2|''Henry VI'', Part II]] (c. 1590-91), Act II, scene 1, line 26 * God shall be my hope,<br>My stay, my guide and lantern to my feet. ** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry VI, Part 2|''Henry VI'', Part II]] (c. 1590-91), Act II, scene 3, line 24 * And to add greater honours to his age<br>Than man could give him, he died fearing God. ** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Henry VIII (play)|Henry VIII]]'' ([[w:Henry VIII (play)#Date|c. 1613]]), Act IV, scene 2, line 67 * Had I but serv'd my God with half the zeal<br>I serv'd my king, He would not in mine age<br>Have left me naked to mine enemies. ** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Henry VIII (play)|Henry VIII]]'' ([[w:Henry VIII (play)#Date|c. 1613]]), Act III, scene 2, lines 455–57. Cardinal Wolsey is speaking to his servant, Cromwell. During the Watergate hearings on June 12, 1973, Senator Sam Ervin quoted these words to Herbert Porter. *Don't worry if you see God first, tell him shit got worse. **[[2Pac|Tupac Shakur]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-rHzG3moso "God Bless the Dead"] * Beware of the man whose god is in the skies. ** [[George Bernard Shaw]], ''Maxims for Revolutionists'', #83 * If he is infinitely good, what reason should we have to fear him?<br />If he is infinitely wise, why should we have doubts concerning our future?<br />If he knows all, why warn him of our needs and fatigue him with our prayers?<br />If he is everywhere, why erect temples to him?<br />If he is just, why fear that he will punish the creatures that he has filled with weaknesses? ** [[Percy Bysshe Shelley]], ''The Necessity of Atheism'' (1811) * [[Tacitus]] says, that the [[Jews]] held God to be something eternal and supreme, neither subject to change nor to decay; therefore, they permit no statues in their cities or their temples. The universal Being can only be described or defined by negatives which deny his subjection to the laws of all inferior existences. '''Where indefiniteness ends, idolatry and anthropomorphism begin.''' ** [[Percy Bysshe Shelley]], in ''Essay on Christianity'' (1859) * If we find great difficulty from its admirable arrangement in conceiving that the Universe has existed from all eternity, and to resolve this difficulty suppose a Creator, how much more clearly must we perceive the necessity of this very Creator’s creation whose perfections comprehend an arrangement far more accurate and just. ** [[Percy Bysshe Shelley]], ''Eusebes and Theosophus'' * Here was a beast for whom there could be no predator. What better definition of God is there than that? ** [[w:Lucius Shepard|Lucius Shepard]], ''Señor Volto'' (2003). Originally published in ''[[w:Sci Fiction|Sci Fiction]]'' (February 12, 2003). Reprinted in [[w:David G. Hartwell|David G. Hartwell]] (ed.), ''Year’s Best Fantasy 4'' (p. 349) * Doesn’t that sound like God to you? This big stupid, invulnerable thing that resembles us and whose creations are more intelligent than it is? The Bible left out that part, but it would explain a great deal. ** [[Lucius Shepard]], ''The Skinny Girl'' (2011), in [[w:Ellen Datlow|Ellen Datlow]] (ed.) ''Naked City'' (p. 453) [[File:Joseph Smith first vision stained glass.jpg|thumb|''For behold, this is my work and my glory — to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.'' ~ God as portrayed in the ''{{w|Book of Moses}}'' (1830), as dictated by [[Joseph Smith]], 1:39]] * For behold, this is my work and my glory — to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. ** God as portrayed in the ''{{w|Book of Moses}}'' (1830), as dictated by [[Joseph Smith]], 1:39 * The value of a mind is measured by the nature of the objects it habitually contemplates. They whose thoughts are of trifles are trifling: they who dwell with what is eternally true, good and fair, are like unto God. ** [[John Lancaster Spalding]], ''Aphorisms and Reflections'' (1901), p. 268 * '''By ''God'', I mean a being absolutely infinite — that is, a substance consisting in infinite attributes, of which each expresses eternal and infinite essentiality.''' <br> Explanation — I say absolutely infinite, not infinite after its kind: for, of a thing infinite only after its kind, infinite attributes may be denied; but '''that which is absolutely infinite, contains in its essence whatever expresses reality, and involves no negation.''' ** [[Baruch Spinoza]], in [[s:Ethics (Spinoza)|''Ethica Ordine Geometrico Demonstrata'' [''Ethics Geometrically Demonstrtated''] (1677)]], Definition 6 * '''Whatsoever is, is in God, and without God nothing can be, or be conceived.''' ** [[Baruch Spinoza]], in ''Ethica Ordine Geometrico Demonstrata'' (1677), Prop. 15 * '''God and all attributes of God are eternal.''' ** [[Baruch Spinoza]], in ''Ethica Ordine Geometrico Demonstrata'' (1677), Prop. 19 * '''Individual things are nothing but modifications of the attributes of God, or modes by which the attributes of God are expressed in a fixed and definite manner.''' ** Baruch Spinoza, in ''Ethica Ordine Geometrico Demonstrata'' (1677), Prop. 25 * '''God is the indwelling and not the transient cause of all things.''' ** Baruch Spinoza, in ''Ethica Ordine Geometrico Demonstrata'' (1677) * '''Things could not have been brought into being by God in any manner or in any order different from that which has in fact obtained.''' ** Baruch Spinoza, in ''Ethica Ordine Geometrico Demonstrata'' (1677) *"We are willing to worship a God only if God makes us safe. Thus you get the silly question, How does a good God let bad things happen to good people? Of course, it was a rabbi who raised that question, but Christians took it up as their own. Have you read the Psalms lately? We're seeing a much more complex God than that question gives credit for." ** [[Stanley Hauerwas]] from the Chronicle for Higher Education, The Chronicle Review, "A Complex God" September 28, 2001 ''The Chronicle Review'' Page: B6 * The [[universe]] is God’s son. ** [[Dejan Stojanovic]], ''The Sun Watches the Sun'' (1999) “God’s Son” (Sequence: “Is It Possible to Write a Poem”) == T == [[File:Brocken-tanzawa2.JPG|thumb|God is that infinite All of which man knows himself to be a finite part. <br> God alone exists truly. Man manifests Him in time, space and matter. ~ [[Leo Tolstoy]] ]] [[File:FDC-emb.jpg|thumb|God, from a beautiful [[necessity]], is [[Love]] in all he doeth, <br> Love, a brilliant fire, to gladden or consume... ~ [[Martin Farquhar Tupper]] ]] [[File:Mosaik-Ikone Christus der Barmherzige.jpg|thumb|Here below, God is the feeblest and most destitute of beings; his love, unlike that of idols, does not fill the carnal part of the soul. ~ [[Gustave Thibon]]]] * '''Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man.''' ** [[Rabindranath Tagore]], ''Stray Birds'' (1916); paraphrased variant: Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of humanity. * '''God seeks comrades and claims [[love]],<br>The devil seeks [[slaves]] and claims [[obedience]].''' ** [[Rabindranath Tagore]], ''Fireflies'' (1928) * It is a mistake to suppose that God is only, or even chiefly, concerned with religion. ** [[w:William Temple (bishop)|William Temple]], quoted in [[w:R. V. C. Bodley|R. V. C. Bodley]], ''In Search of Serenity'' (1955), ch. 12 * If God is truly powerful, He would not let this plague go on. ** [[Sheri S. Tepper]], ''[[w:Grass (novel)|Grass]]'' (1989), Chapter 11 * Here below, God is the feeblest and most destitute of beings; his love, unlike that of idols, does not fill the carnal part of the soul. ** [[Gustave Thibon]], Introduction to ''[[Gravity and Grace]]'' (1947), p. 22 * Man’s basic anxiety … drives the anxious subject to establish objects of fear. Anxiety strives to become fear, because fear can be met by courage. … Horror is ordinarily avoided by the transformation of anxiety into fear of something, no matter what. The human mind is not only, as [[John Calvin|Calvin]] has said, a permanent factory of idols, it is also a permanent factory of fears—the first in order to escape God, the second in order to escape anxiety. … But ultimately the attempts to transform anxiety into fear are vain. The basic anxiety, the anxiety of a finite being about the threat of nonbeing, cannot be eliminated. It belongs to existence itself. ** [[Paul Tillich]], ''The Courage To Be'' (1952), p. 39. * What, but God?<br>Inspiring God! who boundless Spirit all,<br>And unremitting Energy, pervades,<br>Adjusts, sustains, and agitates the whole. ** [[James Thomson (poet)|James Thomson]], ''The Seasons'', ''Spring'' (1728), line 849 *'''The word God has become empty of meaning through thousands of years of misuse... I mean that people who have never even glimpsed the realm of the sacred, the infinite vastness behind that word, use it with great conviction, as if they knew what they are talking about.''' Or they argue against it, as if they knew what it is that they are denying. This misuse gives rise to absurd beliefs, assertions, and egoic delusions, such as "My or our God is the only true God, and your God is false," or Nietzsche's famous statement "God is dead." The word God has become a closed concept. The moment the word is uttered, a mental image is created, no longer, perhaps, of an old man with a white beard, but still a mental representation of someone or something outside you, and, yes, almost inevitably a male someone or something. Neither God nor Being nor any other word can define or explain the ineffable reality behind the word, so the only important question is whether the word is a help or a hindrance in enabling you to experience That toward which it points. Does it point beyond itself to that transcendental reality, or does it lend itself too easily to becoming no more than an idea in your head that you believe in, a mental idol? **[[Eckhart Tolle]] in ''[[The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment]]'' (1997) p. 14 *A [[word]] is no more than a means to an end. Its an abstraction. Not unlike a signpost, it points beyond itself. The word honey isn't honey. You can study and talk about honey for as long as you like, but you won' t really know it until you taste it. After you have tasted it, the word becomes less important to you. You won't be attached to it anymore. Similarly, you can talk or think about [[God]] continuously for the rest of your life, but does that mean you know or have even glimpsed the reality to which the word points? **[[Eckhart Tolle]] in ''[[The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment]]'' (1997) p.71 *If, for whatever reason, you disliked the word honey, that might prevent you from ever tasting it. If you had a strong aversion to the word God which is a negative form of attachment, you may be denying not just the word but also the reality to which it points. You would be cutting yourself off from the possibility of experiencing that reality. All this is, of course, intrinsically connected with being identified with your mind. So, if a word doesn't work for you anymore, then drop it and replace it with one that does work. If you don't like the word [[sin]], then call it [[unconsciousness]] or [[insanity]]. That may get you closer to the truth, the reality behind the word, than a long-misused word like sin, and leaves little room for [[guilt]]. **[[Eckhart Tolle]] in ''[[The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment]]'' (1997) p.71 *It has been said:”Stillness is the language God speaks, and everything else is a bad translation.” Stillness is really another word for space. Becoming conscious of stillness whenever we encounter it in our lives will connect us with the formless and timeless dimension within ourselves, that which is beyond thought, beyond [[ego]]. **[[Eckhart Tolle]] in ''A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose,'' (2005) *“I want to know the mind of God,” Einstein said. “The rest are details.” What is the mind of God? Consciousness. What does it mean to know the mind of God? To be aware. What are the details? Your outer purpose, and whatever happens outwardly. **[[Eckhart Tolle]], in ''A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose'' (2005) *The word [[enthusiasm]] comes from ancient Greek – en and theos meaning God. And the related word enthousiazein means "to be possessed by a god.” With enthusiasm you will find that you don't have to do it all by yourself. In fact, there is nothing of significance that you can do by yourself. Sustained enthusiasm brings into existence a wave of creative energy, and all you have to do then is “ride the wave.” **[[Eckhart Tolle]], in ''A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose'' (2005) *What is [[God]]? The eternal One Life underneath all the forms of life. **[[Eckhart Tolle]] in [''A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose,'' p. 98, (2005) * '''Love is life. All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love.''' Everything is, everything exists, only because I love. Everything is united by it alone. Love is God, and to die means that I, a particle of love, shall return to the general and eternal source. ** [[Leo Tolstoy]] in ''[[w:War and Peace|War and Peace]]'' Bk XIII, Chapter 16 * '''God is that infinite All of which man knows himself to be a finite part. <br> God alone exists truly. Man manifests Him in time, space and matter.''' The more God's manifestation in man (life) unites with the manifestations (lives) of other beings, the more man exists. This union with the lives of other beings is accomplished through love. <br> God is not love, but the more there is of love, the more man manifests God, and the more he truly exists... <br> '''We acknowledge God only when we are conscious of His manifestation in us.''' ** [[Leo Tolstoy]] in his diary (1 November 1910) *'''Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying — but when God talks to us, we're said to be schizophrenic?''' **[[Lily Tomlin]], Contributions of Jane Wagner * To be right with God has often meant to be in trouble with men. ** [[A. W. Tozer]], ''Of God and Men'', p. 12 * I am what you call "The World". Or perhaps "The Universe". Or perhaps "God". Or perhaps "Truth". Or perhaps "Everything". Or perhaps "One". And, '''I am "You".''' ** [[Truth]] Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood *So what if a kid dies? God will take care of him. **[[Tamerlan Tsarnaev]], in April 2013, as quoted in [http://abcnews.go.com/US/boston-bombing-day-stunning-stop-killers-made-attack/story?id=38335067 "Boston Bombing Day 1: The Stunning Stop the Killers Made After the Attack"] (18 April 2016), by Brian Ross, ''ABC News'' * '''God, from a beautiful [[necessity]], is [[Love]] in all he doeth, <br> Love, a brilliant fire, to gladden or consume''': <br> The wicked work their woe by looking upon love, and hating it: <br>'''The righteous find their joys in yearning on its loveliness for ever.''' ** [[Martin Farquhar Tupper]], in "Of Immortality" in ''Proverbial Philosophy'' (1849) *[[Satan]]: There is no God, no universe, no human race, no earthly life, no heaven, no hell. It is all a Dream, a grotesque and foolish dream. Nothing exists but you. And You are but a Thought — a vagrant Thought, a useless Thought, a homeless Thought, wandering forlorn among the empty eternities. **[[Mark Twain]] ''[[w:The Mysterious Stranger|The Mysterious Stranger]]'' *Some one happened to mention to me that a certain [[Helena Blavatsky|Madame Blavatsky]] had just arrived in London, bringing with her a [[Theosophy|new religion]]... I asked her to explain her new religion... I explained to her my difficulties, which she proceeded to solve by expounding the doctrines of [[reincarnation]] and [[Karma]]. They jumped instantly to my reason. '''I there and then found the Just [[God]], of whom I had been in search.''' From that day to this I have never had reason to swerve from those beliefs. ** [[W:Violet Tweedale|Violet Tweedale]], [[Ghosts I Have Seen, and Other Psychic Experiences|''Ghosts I Have Seen, and Other Psychic Experiences'']], 1919 == U == [[File:1in god we trust.jpg|thumb|In God We Trust. ~ United States of America national motto]] [[File:US-original-Declaration-1776.jpg|thumb|[[w:All men are created equal|All men are created equal]], that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are [[w:Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness|Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness]]. ~ United States Declaration of Independence]] * '''In God We Trust.''' ** [[United States of America]] national motto, as well as ''E PLURIBUS UNUM'' *We hold these truths to be self-evident, that '''[[w:All men are created equal|all men are created equal]], that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are [[w:Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness|Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness]].'''--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed,--That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. ** [[w:United States Declaration of Independence|United States Declaration of Independence]] (July 4, 1776) == V == * I looked to find a man who walked with God,<br>Like the translated patriarch of old;— <br>Though gladdened millions on His footstool trod,<br>Yet none with him did such sweet converse hold;<br>I heard the wind in low complaint go by<br>That none his melodies like him could hear;<br>Day unto day spoke wisdom from on high,<br>Yet none like David turned a willing ear;<br>God walked alone unhonored through the earth;<br>For Him no heart-built temple open stood,<br>The soul forgetful of her nobler birth<br>Had hewn him lofty shrines of stone and wood,<br>And left unfinished and in ruins still<br>The only temple he delights to fill. ** [[Jones Very]], “Enoch” *The one [[idea]] the [[Hindu]] [[religions]] differ in from every other in the [[world]], the one idea to express which the [[sages]] almost exhaust the [[w:Vocabulary|vocabulary]] of the Sanskrit language, is that man must realise God even in this [[life]]. **[[Swami Vivekananda]] in: ''[https://books.google.co.in/books?id=kQCNAwAAQBAJ&pg=PA405 The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda [ Volume 4 ] ],'' Kartindo.com, p. 405. * '''I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: "O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous." And God granted it.''' ** [[Voltaire]], in a letter to Étienne Noël Damilaville (16 May 1767) * "If God did not exist, He would have to be invented." But all nature cries aloud that he does exist: that there is a supreme intelligence, an immense power, an admirable order, and everything teaches us our own dependence on it. ** Voltaire quoting himself in a letter to Prince Frederick William of Prussia (28 November 1770), as quoted in ''Voltaire in His Letters'' (1919) by [[Evelyn Beatrice Hall|S. G. Tallentyre (Evelyn Beatrice Hall)]] * I cannot imagine how the clockwork of the universe can exist without a clockmaker. ** [[Voltaire]], as quoted in ''More Random Walks in Science : An Anthology'' (1982) by Robert L. Weber, p. 65 * '''Take Care of the People, and God Almighty Will Take Care of Himself.''' ** [[Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.]] in ''[[w:The Sirens of Titan|The Sirens of Titan]]'' (1959) * If I should ever die, God forbid, let this be my epitaph:<br>&emsp; THE ONLY PROOF HE NEEDED<br>&emsp; FOR THE EXISTENCE OF GOD<br>&emsp; WAS MUSIC. ** [[Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.]], [http://www.commondreams.org/views06/0205-29.htm "Vonnegut's Blues for America"], ''[[w:Sunday Herald|Sunday Herald]]'' (5 February 2006) * It is the final proof of God's omnipotence that he need not exist in order to save us. ** [[w:Peter De Vries|Peter De Vries]], ''The Mackerel Plaza'' (1958), p. 8. == W == [[File:Rosace.jpg|thumb|To believe that the desire for good is always fulfilled — that is faith, and whoever has it is not an atheist. ~ [[Simone Weil]] ]] [[File:Дервиш руми.jpg|thumb|Dear God … Everyone I [[know]] admits they’ve never seen your [[face]], they’re not sure where you [[live]] and have no map to [[Kingdom of God|the place]]. ~ [[Dawud Wharnsby]] ]] [[File:The Storm Spirits.jpg|thumb|"[[w:Elohim|Elohim]]," the name for the creative power in ''[[w:Book of Genesis|Genesis]]'', is a female plural, a fact that generations of learned rabbis and Christian theologians have all explained as merely grammatical convention. The King James and most other Bibles translate it as "God," but if you take the grammar literally, it seems to mean "goddesses." [[w:El Shaddai|Al Shaddai]], god of battles, appears later, and [[w:Tetragrammaton|YHWH]], mispronounced Jehovah, later still. ~ [[Robert Anton Wilson]] ]] [[File:US Navy 060608-N-6501M-005 The U.S. Military Sealift Command (MSC) Hospital ship USNS Mercy (T-AH 19), anchored off of the coast of Jolo City.jpg|thumb|I prefer to say that nature is the only body of God that we shall ever see. If we wish to know the truth concerning anything, we'll find it in the nature of that thing. ~ [[Frank Lloyd Wright]] ]] * Don't you know there ain't no devil? There's only God when He's drunk. **[[Tom Waits]], in "[[w:Heartattack and Vine (song)|Heartattack and Vine]]" on ''[[w:Heartattack and Vine|Heartattack and Vine]]'' (1980) * '''God's greatness and goodness are measured by the fact that he gives us choices.''' He doesn't require us to thank him for our food. (In case you hadn't noticed.) God is not a Modernist. He doesn't view us as nails. God expects us to behave like carpenters. Indeed, he gave us a carpenter as an example. <br> So I think God is postmodern. '''He has his own ideas of what rules, and what sucks, and he doesn't expect everyone else to agree with him.''' ** [[Larry Wall]] in [http://www.perl.com/pub/a/1999/03/pm.html "Perl, the first postmodern computer language" (9 March 1999)] * For modern man, … pride reveals itself in impatience, which is an unwillingness to bear the pain of discipline. … In effect his becomes a deification of his own will; man is not making himself like a god but is taking himself as he is and putting himself in the place of God. ** [[Richard Weaver]], ''Ideas Have Consequences'' (Chicago: 1948), p. 183 * The first thing that we know about ourselves is our imperfection. : This is what [[Descartes]] meant when he said: 'I know God before I know myself.' : The only mark of God in us is that we feel that we are not God. :* [[Simone Weil]], ''Lectures on Philosophy'' (1959), p. 90 * In order to obey God, one must receive his commands. How did it happen that I received them in adolescence, while I was professing atheism? '''To believe that the desire for good is always fulfilled — that is faith, and whoever has it is not an atheist.''' ** [[Simone Weil]], ''Last Notebook'' (1942) * '''No human being escapes the necessity of conceiving some good outside himself towards which his thought turns in a movement of desire, supplication, and hope. consequently, the only choice is between worshipping the true God or an idol.''' Every atheist is an idolater — unless he is worshipping the true God in his impersonal aspect. '''The majority of the pious are idolaters.''' ** [[Simone Weil]], ''Last Notebook'' (1942) * '''There are two atheisms of which one is a purification of the notion of God.''' ** [[Simone Weil]], as quoted in ''The New Christianity'' (1967) edited by William Robert Miller * '''No man — prince, peasant, pope, — has all the light, who says else is a mountebank. I claim no private lien on truth, only a liberty to seek it, prove it in debate, and to be wrong a thousand times to reach a single rightness.''' It is that liberty they fear. They want us to be driven to God like sheep, not running to him like lovers, shouting joy!" ** [[Morris West]], in his play about [[Giordano Bruno]], ''''The Heretic'' (1968) * Ever since the Greeks, we have been drunk with language! '''We have made a cage with words and shoved our God inside!''' ** [[Morris West]], ''The Heretic'' (1968) * '''If God be God and man a creature made in image of the divine intelligence, his noblest function is the search for truth.''' ** [[Morris West]], ''The Heretic'' (1968) * '''Once you accept the existence of God — however you define him, however you explain your relationship to him — then you are caught forever with his presence in the center of all things.''' You are also caught with the fact that man is a creature who walks in two worlds and traces upon the walls of his cave the wonders and the nightmare experiences of his spiritual pilgrimage. ** [[Morris West]], ''The Clowns of God'' (1981) * To assume that one’s existential task is completed when the individual is brought into right relation with society, that is, when the individual has been socialized, is to absolutize society and confuse society with God. ** [[Merold Westphal]], ''Kierkegaard’s Critique of Reason and Society'', p. 35 * Dear God I've heard your [[name]] from [[teachers]], [[family]] and friends, you made the [[universe]] and so will live on when it [[ends]]. '''Everyone I know admits they’ve never seen your [[face]], they’re not sure where you [[live]] and have no map [[Kingdom of God|to the place]].''' ** [[Dawud Wharnsby]], in "Dear God", in ''A Picnic of Poems in Allah's Green Garden'' (2011) * No reason can be given for the nature of God, because that nature is the ground of rationality. ** [[Alfred North Whitehead]], ''Science and the Modern World'' (1925), Chapter XI. New York: Mentor Books, 1948, p. 179 * The worship of God is not a rule of safety—it is an adventure of the spirit, a flight after the unattainable. The death of religion comes with the repression of the high hope of adventure. ** [[Alfred North Whitehead]], ''Science and the Modern World'' (1925), Chapter XII. New York: Mentor Books, 1948, p. 192 *'''Lucifer''': God? God is love. I don't love you. ** Gregory Widen, [[The Prophecy]] * ''I sit and talk to God<br>And he just laughs at my plans'' ** [[Robbie Williams]] and {{w|Guy Chambers}}, ''[[W:Feel (Robbie Williams song)|Feel]]'', ''[[W:Escapology (album)|Escapology]]'' (18 November 2002) * '''All your Western theologies, the whole mythology of them, are based on the concept of God as a senile delinquent.''' ** [[Tennessee Williams]], ''The Night of the Iguana'' (1963) *''' "{{w|Elohim}}," the name for the creative power in ''[[Book of Genesis|Genesis]]'', is a female plural, a fact that generations of learned rabbis and Christian theologians have all explained as merely grammatical convention.''' The King James and most other Bibles translate it as "God," but if you take the grammar literally, it seems to mean "[[goddesses]]." [[w:El Shaddai|Al Shaddai]], god of battles, appears later, and [[w:Tetragrammaton|YHWH]], mispronounced Jehovah, later still. ** [[Robert Anton Wilson]], ''Everything Is Under Control : Conspiracies, Cults, and Cover-Ups'' (1998), p. 197 * To believe in a God means to understand the question about the meaning of life. <br> To believe in a God means to see that the facts of the world are not the end of the matter. <br> To believe in God means to see that life has a meaning. ** [[Ludwig Wittgenstein]] Journal entry (8 July 1916), p. 74e * I believe in God, only I spell it "[[Nature]]". ** [[Frank Lloyd Wright]], ''Quote'' magazine (14 August 1966) * '''God is the great mysterious motivator of what we call nature and it has been said often by philosophers, that nature is the will of God.''' And, I prefer to say that nature is the only body of God that we shall ever see. '''If we wish to know the truth concerning anything, we'll find it in the nature of that thing.''' ** Frank Lloyd Wright, quoted in ''Truth Against the World : Frank Lloyd Wright speaks for an organic architecture'' (1987) edited by Patrick J. Meehan * Maybe the growth of "God" signifies the existence of God. That is: if history naturally pushes people toward moral improvement, toward moral growth, and their God, as they conceive their God, grows accordingly, becoming morally richer, then maybe this growth is evidence of some higher purpose, and maybe — conceivably — the source of that purpose is worthy of the name divinity.[… I]f it is a natural outgrowth of history — then it is more likely that this "growth of God" signifies the existence of God, or at least the existence of something you might call divine, however unlike ancient conceptions of God. ** [[Robert Wright]], ''[[w:The Evolution of God|The Evolution of God]]'' (2009). New York: Little, Brown and Company, pp. 286–7 * Is God love? Like all characterizations of God, this one presumes more insight than I feel in possession of. But there's certainly something to the idea that love is connected to, indeed emanates from, the kind of God whose existence is being surmised here.<br>The connection comes via love's connection to the moral order of which that God is the source. The moral order has revealed itself through ever-widening circles of [[w:Nonzero: The Logic of Human Destiny|non-zero-sumness]] that draw people toward the moral truth that mutual respect is warranted. As we saw […], it is the moral imagination whose growth often paves the way for that truth, and it does so through the extension of a kind of sympathy, a subjective identification with the situation of the other. And as sympathy intensifies it approaches love. Love, you might say, is the apotheosis of the moral imagination; it can foster the most intimate identification with the other, the most intense appreciation of the moral worth of the other. ** [[Robert Wright]], ''The Evolution of God'' (2009), p. 456 == X == == Y == *They who deny God have not seen Him. **[[Agni Yoga]], '' Leaves of Morya’s Garden: Book One: The Call'', 12, (1924) *The gods of all pagan faiths have been allied with the rich rulers. The priests of most religions are the employees of the landowners. But the God of Israel has always claimed to be with the poor—whether in the legislation of [[Deuteronomy]], the words of the [[prophets]], or the experiences of the [[New Testament]]. Our God is on the side of the poor. ** [[John Howard Yoder]], ''Radical Christian Discipleship'', p. 41 * A God all mercy is a God unjust. ** [[Edward Young]], ''Night Thoughts'' (1742-1745), Night IV, line 234 * By night an atheist half believes in God. ** Edward Young, ''Night Thoughts'' (1742-1745), Night V, line 177 * A Deity believed, is joy begun;<br>A Deity adored, is joy advanced;<br>A Deity beloved, is joy matured.<br>Each branch of piety delight inspires. ** Edward Young, ''Night Thoughts'' (1742-1745), Night VIII, line 720 * A God alone can comprehend a God. ** Edward Young, ''Night Thoughts'' (1742-1745), Night LX, line 835 * Thou, my all!<br>My theme! my inspiration! and my crown!<br>My strength in age—my rise in low estate!<br>My souls ambition, pleasure, wealth!—my world!<br>My light in darkness! and my life in death!<br>My boast through time! bliss through eternity!<br>Eternity, too short to speak thy praise!<br>Or fathom thy profound of love to man! ** Edward Young, ''Night Thoughts'' (1742-1745), Night IV, line 586 == Z == * '''Arthur Frayn:''' "And you, poor creatures, who conjured you out of the clay? Is God in show business, too?" ** [[Zardoz]] (1974) == ''[[Bible]]'' == :<small>[[Wikisource:Bible|''The Bible'' on Wikisource]]</small> [[File:Domenico Fetti 004.jpg|thumb|Thou shalt be perfect with the Lord thy God. ~ [[Moses]]]] [[File:Nicolò barabino, profeta isaia, studio per affresco nella chiesa di s.m. dell'assunta a genova sestri.jpg|thumb|As the [[heavens]] are higher than the [[earth]], so are my ways higher than your ways, and my [[thoughts]] than your thoughts. ~ [[Isaiah]]]] [[File:Guercino Padreterno.jpg|thumb|God is [[love]]. Whoever [[lives]] in love lives in God, and God in him. ~ [[John the Evangelist]]]] [[File:Albert_Edelfelt_-_Christ_and_Mary_Magdalene.jpg|thumb|God is not a [[man]]. ~ [[w:Balaam|Balaam]]]] * In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. ** [[Genesis]] [[W:Genesis 1|1:1]] * We ought to obey God rather than men. ** [[Acts of the Apostles]] [[W:Acts 5|5:29]] * '''God is not a man''', that he should lie; neither the son of man, that he should repent: hath he said, and shall he not do it? or hath he spoken, and shall he not make it good? ** [[w:Balaam|Balaam, son of Beor]] in ''[[Book of Numbers|Numbers]]'' 23:19 * Ye men of Athens, I perceive that in all things ye are too superstitious. For as I passed by, and beheld your devotions, I found an altar with this inscription, TO THE UNKNOWN GOD. Whom therefore ye ignorantly worship, him declare I unto you. ** [[Paul of Tarsus]] in [[Acts of the Apostles]] [[W:Acts 17|17:22-23]] * Thine, O Lord is the greatness, and the power, and the glory, and the victory, and the majesty: for all that is in the heaven and in the earth is thine; thine is the kingdom, O Lord, and thou art exalted as head above all. Both riches and honour come of thee, and thou reignest over all; and in thine hand is power and might; and in thine hand it is to make great, and to give strength unto all. Now therefore, our God, we thank thee, and praise thy glorious name. ** [[w:Book of Chronicles|1 Chronicles]] 29:11-13 * God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things that are mighty. ** {{w|1 Corinthians 1}}:27 * I have planted, Apollos watered; but God gave the increase. ** {{w|1 Corinthians 3}}:6 * The hair of his head was like clean wool. His throne was flames of fire; its wheels were a burning fire. There was a stream of fire flowing and going out from before him. There were a thousand thousands that kept ministering to him, and ten thousand times ten thousand that kept standing right before him. The Court took its seat, and there were books that were opened. ** [[Daniel]], [[Book of Daniel]] [[W:Daniel 7|7:9-10]] * None can hope in God but those who know his name. ** [[David]], [[Psalms|Psalm]] [[w:Psalm 9|9:10]], as cited in {{w|Institutes of the Christian Religion}} * How many things you have done, :O Jehovah my God, :Your wonderful works and your thoughts toward us. :None can compare to you; :If I were to try to tell and speak of them, :They would be too numerous to recount! :* [[David]], [[Psalms|Psalm]] [[W:Psalm 40|40:5]], [[NWT]] * Yes, God is greater than we can know; :The number of his years is beyond comprehension. :He draws up the drops of [[water]]; :They condense into rain from his mist; :Then the [[cloud]]s pour it down; :They shower down upon mankind. :* [[w:Elihu (Job)|E·li′hu]], [[Book of Job]], 36:26-28, [[NWT]] * And the LORD said unto him, "'''Who hath made man's mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the LORD?''' Now therefore go, and I will be with thy mouth, and teach thee what thou shalt say." ** ''[[Book of Exodus|Exodus]]'' 4:11-12 ([[King James Version]]) * God said unto [[Moses]], I AM THAT I AM: and he said, Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Israel, I AM hath sent me unto you. ** ''[[Book of Exodus|Exodus]]'' 3:14 ([[King James Version]]) ** Variant: God said to Moses, 'I will be what I will be' * Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain. ** [[Book of Exodus|Exodus]] 20:7, ([[KJV]]) ** Similar phrase: "Keep yourselves from evil to take the name of the Lord in vain, for I am the Lord your God, even the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham and of Isaac and of Jacob." ** {{w|Doctrine and Covenants}} 136:21 * See now that '''I, even I, am He, and there is no god besides Me: I kill, and I make alive; I wound, and I heal: neither is there any that can deliver out of My hand'''. For I lift up My hand to heaven, and say, I live for ever. If I whet My glittering sword, and Mine hand take hold on judgment; I will render vengeance to Mine enemies, and will reward them that hate Me. ** ''[[Book of Deuteronomy|Deuteronomy]]'' 32:39-41 * I am the LORD, and there is none else, there is no God beside me: I girded thee, though thou hast not known me: That they may know from the rising of the sun, and from the west, that there is none beside me. I am the LORD, and there is none else. I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create calamity: I the LORD do all these things. ** ''[[Isaiah]]'' [[W:Isaiah 45|45:5-7]] ([[King James Version]]) ** Variant: I am the Lord and there is no other. Who forms light and creates darkness, Who makes peace and creates calamity; I am the Lord, who makes all these. * As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. ** [[Isaiah]] [[W:Isaiah 55#Verse 9|55:9]] [[KJV]] * '''You cannot serve both God and [[w:Mammon|Mammon]].''' **[[Jesus]], ''[[Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]]'' [[W:Matthew 6:24|6:24]] * God is greater than we can know; The number of his years is beyond comprehension. ** [[Book of Job|Job]] 36:26, [[New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures]] * '''God is [[light]]; in him there is no [[darkness]] at [[all]].''' ** {{w|John the Apostle}} in {{w|1 John}} 1:5 * For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life ** {{w|John the Apostle}}, in {{w|John}} 3:16 * '''God is [[love]]. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.''' ** {{w|John the Apostle}} in {{w|1 John}} 4:16 * You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might. Keep these words that I am commanding you today in your heart. Recite them to your children and talk about them when you are at home and when you are away, when you lie down and when you rise. Bind them as a sign on your hand, fix them as an emblem on your forehead, and write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. ** [[Moses]], [[Book of Deuteronomy|Deuteronomy]] 6:5-9 [[w:New Revised Standard Version|NRSV]] * Thou shalt be perfect with the Lord thy God. ** [[Moses]], [[Book of Deuteronomy|Deuteronomy]] 18:13 [[King James Version|KJV]] * For the invisible things of him since the creation of the [[world]] are clearly seen, being perceived through the things that are made, even his everlasting [[power]] and divinity; that they may be without excuse. ** [[Paul of Tarsus]] in ''[[w:Epistle to the Romans|Romans]]'' 1:20 (ASV) * '''What if some did not believe? shall their unbelief make the [[faith]] of God without effect? God forbid: yea, let God be true, but every man a liar'''; as it is written, That thou mightest be justified in thy sayings, and mightest overcome when thou art judged. <br> But if our unrighteousness commend the righteousness of God, what shall we say? Is God unrighteous who taketh vengeance? (I speak as a man) God forbid: for then how shall God judge the world? For if the truth of God hath more abounded through my lie unto his glory; why yet am I also judged as a sinner? And not rather, (as we be slanderously reported, and as some affirm that we say,) Let us do evil, that good may come? whose damnation is just. ** [[Paul of Tarsus]] in [[Romans]] [[W:Romans 3|3:3-8]] * '''We conclude that a man is justified by faith without the deeds of the [[law]].''' ''Is he'' the God of the Jews only? ''is he'' not also of the Gentiles? Yes, of the Gentiles also: Seeing ''it is'' one God, which shall justify the circumcision by faith, and uncircumcision through faith. <br> '''Do we then make void the law through faith? God forbid: yea, we establish the law.''' ** [[Paul of Tarsus]], ''Romans'' [[W:Romans 3|3:19-31]] * O the depth of God’s riches and [[wisdom]] and [[knowledge]]! How unsearchable his judgments are and beyond tracing out his ways are! For “who has come to know Jehovah's mind, or who has become his [[adviser]]?” Or, “who has first given to him, so that it must be repaid to him?” Because from him and by him and for him are all things. To him be the glory forever. Amen. ** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[Romans]] [[W:Romans 11|11:33-36]], [[New World Translation]] * [[Fear]] God. [[Honour]] the [[King]]. ** {{w|1 Peter 2}}:17 * The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament showeth his handiwork. ** {{w|Psalms 19}}:1 * He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. ** {{w|Psalms 23}}:2 * '''God is our refuge and [[strength]], a very present help in trouble. '''Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the [[mountains]] shake with the swelling thereof. ** ''[[Psalms]]'' [[W:Psalm 46|46:1 - 3]] * There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High. God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early. <br> The heathen raged, the kingdoms were moved: he uttered his voice, the earth melted. <br> The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. ** ''[[Psalms]]'' [[W:Psalm 46|46:4 - 7]] * The [[fool]] says in his [[heart]] "There is no God". ** ''[[Psalms]]'' [[W:Psalm 53|53:1]] * I had rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God, than to dwell in the tents of wickedness. ** {{w|Psalm 84}}:10 ** Variant: "For I would rather be a servant in the House of the Lord than to sit in the seats of the mighty." ** By {{w|Alben W. Barkley}}, addressed to a mock Democratic convention, Washington and Lee University, Lexington, Virginia (April 30, 1956), reported in ''Memorial Services Held in the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States, Together with Remarks Presented in Eulogy of Alben William Barkley, Late a Senator from Kentucky'' (1956), p. 106. * If God be for us, who can be against us? ** [[Romans]] [[W:Romans 8|8:31]] * There is no respect of persons with God. ** Romans, 2:11; Acts 10:34 * But will God really dwell with mankind on the [[earth]]? Look! The heavens, yes, the heaven of the [[heaven]]s, cannot contain you; how much less, then, this house that I have built! ** [[Solomon]], 2 [[W:Books of Chronicles|Chronicles]] 6:18, [[NWT]] ==''[[Quran]]''== [[File:EMİRSULTAN CAMİİ BURSA - panoramio.jpg|thumb|O [[mankind]], It is you that have need of God, and God is the [[Self-sufficiency|Self-Sufficient]], the [[Praised]] [[Kenosis|One]]. If He please, He will remove you and bring a new [[creation]]. And this is not hard for God. ~ [[Quran]]]] :<small>[[Wikisource:Quran|''The Quran'' on Wikisource]]</small> {{Main|Allah}} * And (mention, O [[Muhammad]]), when your Lord said to the [[angels]], "Indeed, I will make upon the earth a successive [[authority]]." They said, "Will You place upon it one who causes [[corruption]] therein and sheds [[blood]], while we declare Your [[praise]] and [[sanctification|sanctify]] You?" He said: Surely, '''I know what you know not.''' ** {{w|Al-Baqara}} 30 *He said: Do you then [[understand]] what you [[worship]] -- You and your forefathers? -- Surely they are abhorrence to me, except the [[Lord]] of the [[worlds]],<br/>Who created me, then He [[guides]] me the way,<br/>And Who provides me sustenance to [[eat]] and to [[drink]],<br/>And when I am [[sick]], it is He who [[heals]] me,<br/>And Who will cause me to [[die]], and will [[resurrect]] me,<br/>And Who, I [[hope]], will [[forgive]] me and my [[mistakes]] on the Day of Judgment. **[[Abraham]], [[w:Ash-Shu'ara|Ash-Shu'ara]] 75-82 * [[w:God in Islam|God]]! [[W:Tawhid|There is no god but He]], — the [[Living]], the Self-subsisting, [[Eternal]]. No slumber can seize Him nor [[sleep]]. His are [[all]] [[things]] in the heavens and on earth. Who is there that can intercede in His [[presence]] except as He permitteth? he knoweth what before or after or behind them. Nor shall they compass aught of His knowledge except as He willeth. His [[Throne]] doth extend over the heavens and the earth, and He feeleth no fatigue in [[guard|guarding]] and [[perversity|preserving]] them for He is the Most High, the Supreme. ** {{w|Al-Baqara 255}}, translated by {{w|Arthur John Arberry}} in ''{{w|The Koran Interpreted}}'' (1955). * If God helps you, there is none that can overcome you; and if He forsakes you, who is there that can [[help]] you? ** [[W:Ali-Imran|Sūrat Ali-Imran]] 3:159 * The [[Inventor]] of the heavens and the earth. How could He have a son when He has no consort? And He created everything, and all things He knows. ** [[W:Al-Anam|Sūrat Al-An'am]] 6:101 * Say: "Who is it that sustains you (in life) from the sky and from the earth? or who is it that has power over hearing and sight? And who is it that brings out the living from the [[Death|dead]] and (brings out) the dead from the living? and who is it that rules and regulates all affairs?" They will soon say, "God". Say, "will ye not then show piety (to Him)?" such is God, your true Lord; nothing apart from the truth, but error. How then are ye turned away? ** [[W:Yunus (sura)|Sūrat Yunus]] 10:31-32 * Seest thou him who takes his own [[desire]] as his [[deity|god]], and God leaves him in [[error]] knowingly, and seals his [[hearing]] and his [[heart]] and puts a covering on his [[sight]]? Who can then guide him after God? Will you not reflect? ** [[W:Al-Jathiyah|Sūrat Al-Jathiyah]] 45:23 * O mankind, It is you that have need of God, and God is the [[Self-sufficiency|Self-Sufficient]], the [[Praised]] [[Kenosis|One]]. If He please, He will remove you and bring a new [[creation]]. And this is not hard for God. ** [[W:Fatir|Sūrat Fatir]] 35:15-17 * There is no god but The God. ** [[W:Muhammad (surah)|Sūrat Muḥammad]] 47:19 == ''[[Book of Mormon]]'' == :<small>[[Wikisource:Book of Mormon|''The Book of Mormon'' on Wikisource]]</small> * Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain. ** [[w:Book of Mosiah|Mosiah]] 13:15 * And again, the Lord God hath commanded that men should not murder; that they should not lie; that they should not steal; that they should not take the name of the Lord their God in vain; that they should not envy; that they should not have malice; that they should not contend one with another; that they should not commit whoredoms; and that they should do none of these things; for whoso doeth them shall perish. ** {{w|2 Nephi}} 26:32 ==''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''== :<small>Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 315-21.</small> * ''Homo cogitat, Deus indicat.'' ** Man thinks, God directs. ** [[Alcuin]], ''Epistles'' * At Athens, wise men propose, and fools dispose. ** [[Anacharsis]] * Man says—"So, so."<br>Heaven says—"No, no." ** Chinese Aphorism * God's Wisdom and God's Goodness!—Ah, but fools<br>Mis-define thee, till God knows them no more.<br>Wisdom and goodness they are God!—what schools<br>Have yet so much as heard this simpler lore.<br>This no Saint preaches, and this no Church rules:<br>'Tis in the desert, now and heretofore. ** [[Matthew Arnold]], ''The Divinity'', Stanza 3 * They that deny a God destroy man's nobility; for certainly man is of kin to the beasts by his body; and, if he be not of kin to God by his spirit, he is a base and ignoble creature. ** [[Francis Bacon]], ''Essays'', ''Of Atheism'' * From thee all human actions take their springs,<br>The rise of empires, and the fall of kings. ** [[w:Samuel Boyse|Samuel Boyse]], ''The Deity'' * O Rock of Israel, Rock of Salvation, Rock struck and cleft for me, let those two streams of blood and water which once gushed out of thy side … bring down with them salvation and holiness into my soul. ** [[w:Daniel Brevint|Brevint]], ''Works'' (Ed. 1679), p. 17 * He made little, too little of sacraments and priests, because God was so intensely real to him. What should he do with lenses who stood thus full in the torrent of the sunshine. ** [[Phillips Brooks]], ''Sermons'', ''The Seriousness of Life'' * It never frightened a Puritan when you bade him stand still and listen to the speech of God. His closet and his church were full of the reverberations of the awful, gracious, beautiful voice for which he listened. ** [[Phillips Brooks]], ''Sermons'', ''The Seriousness of Life'' * Of what I call God,<br>And fools call Nature. ** [[Robert Browning]], ''The Ring and the Book'', ''The Pope'', line 1,073 * A picket frozen on duty—<br> A mother starved for her brood—<br>Socrates drinking the hemlock,<br> And Jesus on the rood;<br>And millions who, humble and nameless,<br> The straight, hard pathway trod—<br>Some call it Consecration,<br> And others call it God. ** [[w:William Herbert Carruth|W. H. Carruth]], ''Evolution'' * ''Nihil est quod deus efficere non possit.'' ** There is nothing which God cannot do. ** [[Cicero]], ''De Divinatione'', II. 41 * God! sing, ye meadow-streams, with gladsome voice!<br>Ye pine-groves, with your soft and soul-like sounds!<br>And they too have a voice, yon piles of snow,<br>And in their perilous fall shall thunder, God! ** [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge]], ''Hymn before Sunrise in the Vale of Chamouni'' * God moves in a mysterious way<br> His wonders to perform;<br>He plants his footsteps in the sea<br> And rides upon the storm. ** [[William Cowper]], ''Hymn'', ''Light Shining out of Darkness'' * There is a God! the sky his presence shares,<br> His hand upheaves the billows in their mirth,<br>Destroys the mighty, yet the humble spares<br> And with contentment crowns the thought of worth. ** [[w:Charlotte Cushman|Charlotte Cushman]], ''There is a God'' * My God, my Father, and my Friend,<br>Do not forsake me in the end. ** [[Wentworth Dillon]], translation of ''Dies Iræ'' * 'Twas much, that man was made like God before:<br>But, that God should be made like man, much more. ** [[John Donne]], ''Holy Sonnets'', Sonnet XXII * By tracing Heaven his footsteps may be found:<br>Behold! how awfully he walks the round!<br>God is abroad, and wondrous in his ways<br>The rise of empires, and their fall surveys. ** [[John Dryden]], ''Britannia Rediviva'', line 75 * Too wise to err, too good to be unkind,—<br>Are all the movements of the Eternal Mind. ** Rev. [[John East]], ''Songs of My Pilgrimage'' * God is divine Principle, supreme incorporeal Being, Mind, Spirit, Soul, Life, Truth, Love. ** [[Mary Baker Eddy]], ''Science and Health'', Chapter XIV. Ed. 1906, p. 465 * There is no life, truth, intelligence, nor substance in matter. All is infinite Mind, and its infinite manifestation, for God is All in All. Spirit is immortal Truth; Matter is mortal error. ** [[Mary Baker Eddy]], ''Science and Health'', Chapter XIV. Ed. 1906, p. 468 * When the Master of the universe has points to carry in his government he impresses his will in the structure of minds. ** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''Letters and Social Aims'' (1876), ''Immortality'' * He was a wise man who originated the idea of God. ** [[Euripides]], ''Sisyphus'' * Henceforth the Majesty of God revere;<br>Fear him and you have nothing else to fear. ** [[Fordyce]], ''Answer to a Gentleman who Apologized to the Author for Swearing'' * ''Wie einer ist, so ist sein Gott,<br>Darum ward Gott so oft zu Spott.'' ** As a man is, so is his God; therefore God was so often an object of mockery. ** [[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]], ''Gedichte'' * I know<br>My God commands, whose power no power resists. ** [[Robert Greene (dramatist)|Robert Greene]], ''Looking-Glass for London and England'' * Some men treat the God of their fathers as they treat their father's friend. They do not deny him; by no means: they only deny themselves to him, when he is good enough to call upon them. ** J. C. and A. W. Hare, ''Guesses at Truth'' * I askt the seas and all the deeps below<br> My God to know,<br>I askt the reptiles, and whatever is <br> In the abyss;<br>Even from the shrimps to the leviathan<br> Enquiry ran;<br>But in those deserts that no line can sound<br>The God I sought for was not to be found. ** [[Thomas Heywood]], ''Searching after God'' * Forgetful youth! but know, the Power above<br>With ease can save each object of his love;<br>Wide as his will, extends his boundless grace. ** [[Homer]], ''The Odyssey'', Book III, line 285. Pope's translation * O thou, whose certain eye foresees<br>The fix'd event of fate's remote decrees. ** [[Homer]], ''The Odyssey'', Book IV, line 627. Pope's translation * Dangerous it were for the feeble brain of man to wade far into the doings of the Most High; whom although to know be life, and joy to make mention of his name, yet our soundest knowledge is to know that we know him not as indeed he is, neither can know him; and our safest eloquence concerning him is our silence, when we confess without confession that his glory is inexplicable, his greatness above our capacity and reach. ** [[Hooker]], ''Ecclesiastical Polity'', Book I, Chapter II. 3 * But if the sky were paper and a scribe each star above,<br>And every scribe had seven hands, they could not write all my love. ** ''Dürsli und Bäbeli''; old public house ditty of the Canton de Soleure or Solothurn. Original in Swiss dialect. Given in ''Notes and Queries'' (Feb. 10, 1872), p. 114 * From thee, great God, we spring, to thee we tend,—<br>Path, motive, guide, original, and end. ** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''Motto to The Rambler'', No. 7 * The sun and every vassal star,<br> All space, beyond the soar of angel's wings,<br>Wait on His word: and yet He stays His car<br> For every sigh a contrite suppliant brings. ** [[John Keble]], ''The Christian Year'', ''Ascension Day'' * ''Nam homo proponit, sed Deus disponit.'' ** Man proposes, but God disposes. ** [[Thomas à Kempis]], ''Imitation of Christ'', Book I, Chapter XIX. Thomas Dibdin's translation * O God, I am thinking Thy thoughts after Thee. ** [[Johannes Kepler]], when studying astronomy * All but God is changing day by day. ** [[Charles Kingsley]], ''The Saints' Tragedy'', ''Prometheus'' * ''L'impossibilité où je suis de prouver que Dieu n'est pas, me decouvre son existence.'' ** The very impossibility in which I find myself to prove that God is not, discloses to me His existence. ** [[Jean de La Bruyère]], ''Les Caractères'', XVI * ''Sire, je n'avais besoin de cet hypothèse.'' ** Sire, I had no need for that hypothesis. ** [[La Place]] to [[Napoleon]], who asked why God was not mentioned in ''Traite de la Méchanique Céleste'' * ''Denn Gott lohnt Gutes, hier gethan, auch hier noch.'' ** For God rewards good deeds done here below—rewards them here. ** [[Gotthold Ephraim Lessing]], ''Nathan der Weise'', I, 2 * "We trust, Sir, that God is on our side." "It is more important to know that we are on God's side." ** [[Abraham Lincoln]], reply to deputation of Southerners during Civil War * God had sifted three kingdoms to find the wheat for this planting. ** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''The Courtship of Miles Standish'', IV * ''Estne dei sedes nisi terra et pontus et aër<br>Et cœlum et virtus? Superos quid quærimus ultra?<br>Jupiter est quodcumque vides, quodcumque moveris.'' ** Is there any other seat of the Divinity than the earth, sea, air, the heavens, and virtuous minds? why do we seek God elsewhere? He is whatever you see; he is wherever you move. ** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], ''Pharsalia'', IX. 578 * ''Ein feste Burg ist unser Gott<br> Ein gute Wehr und Waffen,<br>Er hilft uns frei aus aller Not,<br> Die uns jetzt hat betroffen.'' ** A mighty fortress is our God,<br> A bulwark never failing,<br> Our helper he amid the flood<br> Of mortal ills prevailing. ** [[Martin Luther]], ''Ein feste Burg''. Translation by F. H. Hedge * I fear no foe with Thee at hand to bless;<br>Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness. ** [[Henry Francis Lyte]], ''Eventide'' * A voice in the wind I do not know;<br>A meaning on the face of the high hills<br>Whose utterance I cannot comprehend.<br>A something is behind them: that is God. ** [[George MacDonald]], ''Within and Without'', Part I, scene 1 * ''Exemplumque dei quisque est in imagine parva.'' ** Every one is in a small way the image of God. ** [[Marcus Manilius]], ''Astronomica'', IV. 895 * ''Quis cœlum possit nisi cœli munera nosse?<br>Et reperire deum nisi qui pars ipse deorum est?'' ** Who can know heaven except by its gifts? and who can find out God, unless the man who is himself an emanation from God? ** [[Marcus Manilius]], ''Astronomica'', II. 115 * One sole God;<br>One sole ruler,—his Law;<br>One sole interpreter of that law—Humanity. ** [[Giuseppe Mazzini]], ''Life and Writings'', ''Young Europe'', ''General Principles'', No. 1 * Too wise to be mistaken still<br>Too good to be unkind. ** [[Samuel Medley]], ''Hymn of God'' * Who best<br>Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best: his state<br>Is kingly; thousands at his bidding speed,<br>And post o'er land and ocean without rest. ** [[John Milton]], ''Sonnet'', ''On His Blindness'' * ''Gott-trunkener Mensch.'' ** A God-intoxicated man. ** [[Novalis]], in reference to [[Spinoza]] * Trumpeter, sound for the splendour of God!<br>. . . . . .<br>Trumpeter, rally us, up to the heights of it!<br> Sound for the City of God. ** [[Alfred Noyes]], ''Trumpet Call'', last lines * ''Est deus in nobis; et sunt commercia cœli.'' ** There is a God within us and intercourse with heaven. ** [[Ovid]], ''Ars Amatoria'', Book III. 549. (Milton's "Looks commercing with the skies" said to be inspired by this phrase) * ''Est deus in nobis: agitante calescimus illo.'' ** There is a God within us, and we glow when he stirs us. ** [[Ovid]], ''Fasti'', Book VI. 6 * ''Sed tamen ut fuso taurorum sanguine centum,<br>Sic capitur minimo thuris honore deux.'' ** As God is propitiated by the blood of a hundred bulls, so also is he by the smallest offering of incense. ** [[Ovid]], ''Tristium'', II. 75 * ''Nihil ita sublime est, supraque pericula tendit<br>Non sit ut inferius suppositumque deo.'' ** Nothing is so high and above all danger that is not below and in the power of God. ** [[Ovid]], ''Tristium'', IV. 8. 47 * One on God's side is a majority. **[[Wendell Phillips]], speech at Harper's Ferry (1 November 1859) * ''Est profecto deus, qui, quæ nos gerimus, auditque et videt.'' ** There is indeed a God that hears and sees whate'er we do. ** [[Plautus]], ''Captivi'', II. 2. 63 * He from thick films shall purge the visual ray,<br>And on the sightless eyeball pour the day. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Messiah'' * Thou Great First Cause, least understood. ** Alexander Pope, ''Universal Prayer'' * ''Je crains Dieu, cher Abner, et n'ai point d'autre crainte.'' ** I fear God, dear Abner, and I have no other fear. ** [[Jean Racine]], ''Athalie'', Act I, scene 1 * Give us a God—a living God,<br> One to wake the sleeping soul, <br> One to cleanse the tainted blood <br> Whose pulses in our bosoms roll. ** [[C. G. Rosenberg]], ''The Winged Horn'', Stanza 7 * We may scavenge the dross of the nation, we may shudder past bloody sod,<br>But we thrill to the new revelation that we are parts of God. ** [[Robert Haven Schauffler]], ''New Gods for Old'' * ''Es lebt ein Gott zu strafen und zu rächen.'' ** There is a God to punish and avenge. ** [[Friedrich Schiller]], ''Wilhelm Tell'', IV. 3. 37 * ''Nihil ab illo [i.e. a Deo] vacat; opus suum ipse implet.'' ** Nothing is void of God; He Himself fills His work. ** [[Seneca the Younger]], ''De Beneficiis'', IV. 8 * ''Deum non immolationibus et sanguine multo colendum: quæ enim ex trucidatione immerentium voluptas est? sed mente pura, bono honestoque proposito. Non templa illi, congestis in altitudinem saxis, struenda sunt; in suo cuique consecrandus est pectore.'' ** God is not to be worshipped with sacrifices and blood; for what pleasure can He have in the slaughter of the innocent? but with a pure mind, a good and honest purpose. Temples are not to be built for Him with stones piled on high; God is to be consecrated in the breast of each. ** [[Seneca the Younger]], ''Fragment'', V. 204 * God helps those who help themselves. ** [[Algernon Sidney]], ''Discourse Concerning Government'', Chapter II. Ovid—Metamorphoses. X. 586. [[Pliny the Elder]], viewing the Eruption of Vesuvius, Aug., 79. [[Friedrich Schiller]], ''William Tell'', I. 2. [[Simonides]] is quoted as author by Claudian. [[Sophocles]], ''Fragments''. [[Terence]], ''Phormio''. I. 4. [[Vergil]], ''Æneid'' (29-19 BC), X, 284. Quoted as a proverb by old and modern writers * From Piety, whose soul sincere<br>Fears God, and knows no other fear. ** [[W. Smyth]], ''Ode for the Installation of the Duke of Gloucester as Chancellor of Cambridge'' * ''Ad majorem Dei gloriam.'' ** For the greater glory of God. ** Motto of the Society of Jesus * The divine essence itself is love and wisdom. ** [[Emanuel Swedenborg]], ''Divine Love and Wisdom'', Par. 28 * God, the Great Giver, can open the whole universe to our gaze in the narrow space of a single lane. ** [[Rabindranath Tagore]], ''Jivan-smitri'' * ''Ha sotto i piedi il Fato e la Natura.<br>Ministri umili; e'l moto e chi'l misura.'' ** Under whose feet (subjected to His grace),<br> Sit nature, fortune, motion, time, and place. ** [[Torquato Tasso]], ''Gerusalemme'', IX, 66 * At last I heard a voice upon the slope<br>Cry to the summit, "Is there any hope?"<br>To which an answer pealed from that high land,<br>But in a tongue no man could understand;<br>And on the glimmering limit far withdrawn,<br>God made himself an awful rose of dawn. ** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''Vision of Sin'', V * I fled Him, down the nights and down the days;<br> I fled Him, down the arches of the years;<br>I fled Him, down the labyrinthine ways<br> Of my own mind; and in the midst of tears<br>I hid from Him, and under running laughter. ** [[Francis Thompson]], ''The Hound of Heaven'' * But I lose<br>Myself in Him, in Light ineffable!<br>Come then, expressive Silence, muse His praise.<br>These, as they change, Almighty Father, these<br>Are but the varied God. The rolling Year<br>Is full of Thee. ** [[James Thomson (poet)|James Thomson]], ''Hymn'', line 116 * The being of God is so comfortable, so convenient, so necessary to the felicity of Mankind, that, (as [[Cicero|Tully]] admirably says) ''Dii immortales ad usum hominum fabricati pene videantur'', if God were not a necessary being of himself, he might almost seem to be made on purpose for the use and benefit of men. ** [[w:John Tillotson|Archbishop Tillotson]], ''Works'', Sermon 93, Volume I, (1712 edition), p. 696; this is the probable origin of [[Voltaire]]'s phrase. ** Cicero's phrase from ''[[w:De Legibus|De legibus]]'' in fact references "gods" in the plural * Rock of Ages, cleft for me,<br> Let me hide myself in thee. ** [[Augustus Toplady]], ''Living and Dying Prayer''. "Rock of Ages" is translation. from the Hebrew of "everlasting strength." Isaiah, XXVI. 4 * None but God can satisfy the longings of an immortal soul; that as the heart was made for Him, so He only can fill it. ** [[Richard Chenevix Trench]], ''Notes on the Parables'', ''Prodigal Son'' * God, from a beautiful necessity, is Love. ** [[Martin Farquhar Tupper]], ''Of Immortality'' * I believe that there is no God, but that matter is God and God is matter; and that it is no matter whether there is any God or no. ** "The Unbeliever's Creed", ''Connoisseur No. IX'' (March 28, 1754) * ''Si genus humanum et mortalia temnitis arma'',<br>''At sperate deos memores fandi atque nefandi''. ** If ye despise the human race, and mortal arms, yet remember that there is a God who is mindful of right and wrong. ** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (29-19 BC), I. 542 * ''Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer.'' ** If there were no God, it would be necessary to invent him. ** [[Voltaire]], ''Epitre à l'Auteur du Livre des Trois Imposteurs'', CXI. See Œuvres Complètes de Voltaire, Volume I, p. 1076. Ed. Didot, 1827. Also in letter to Frederick, Prince Royal of Prussia *** cf. [[Cicero]], ''Dii immortales ad usum hominum fabricati pene videantur''. * ''Je voudrais que vous écrasassiez l'infâme.'' ** I wish that you would crush this infamy. ** [[Voltaire]] to D'Alembert June 23, 1760. Attributed to Voltaire by Abbé Barruch—Memoirs Illustrating the History of Jacobinism. Generally quoted "Écrasez l'infâme." A. De Morgan contends that the popular idea that it refers to God is incorrect. It refers probably to the Roman Catholic Church, or the traditions in the church. * God on His throne is eldest of poets:<br> Unto His measures moveth the Whole. ** [[William Watson]], ''England my Mother'', Part II * The God I know of, I shall ne'er<br> Know, though he dwells exceeding nigh.<br>Raise thou the stone and find me there,<br> Cleave thou the wood and there am I.<br>Yea, in my flesh his spirit doth flow,<br>Too near, too far, for me to know. ** [[William Watson]], ''The Unknown God''. Third and fourth lines are from "newly discovered sayings of Jesus." Probably an ancient Oriental proverb. * The Somewhat which we name but cannot know.<br> Ev'n as we name a star and only see<br>Its quenchless flashings forth, which ever show<br> And ever hide him, and which are not he. ** [[William Watson]], ''Wordsworth's Grave'', I, Stanza 6 * God is and all is well. ** [[John Greenleaf Whittier]], ''My Birthday'' * I know not where His islands lift<br> Their fronded palms in air;<br>I only know I cannot drift<br> Beyond His love and care. ** [[John Greenleaf Whittier]], ''The Eternal Goodness'', Stanza 20 * Though man sits still, and takes his ease,<br> God is at work on man;<br>No means, no moment unemploy'd,<br> To bless him, if he can. ** [[Edward Young]], ''Resignation'', Part I, Stanza 119 == Anonymous == :<small>Proverbs or widely known statements by unknown authors.</small> * '''GOD IS COMING, AND IS ''SHE'' PISSED!''' ** Anonymous bumper sticker as quoted in ''My First Saturnalia'' (1981) by Michael Rumaker, p. 3 ** GOD IS COMING, AND BOY IS SHE PISSED! *** Variant bumper sticker as quoted in ''River Angel : A Novel'' (1999) A. Manette Ansay, p. 107 ==See also== * [[The Ageless Wisdom Teachings]] * [[Deism]] * [[Deity]] * [[Fear of God]] * [[Kingdom of God]] * [[Love of God]] * [[Om]] * [[Pandeism]] * [[Pantheism]] * [[Personal God]] * [[Polytheism]] * [[Theism]] * [[Theosophy]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{Commons category}} {{wiktionary}} {{wikiversity}} {{wikibooks|God and Religious Toleration}} [[Category:God| ]] lh8n4nstt9svnq2awxtciqjzsbhffao 3157937 3157915 2022-08-25T21:12:18Z Kalki 71 Reverted edit by [[User:88.104.70.29|88.104.70.29]] ([[User talk:88.104.70.29|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/88.104.70.29|contributions]]) to last version by Ilovemydoodle wikitext text/x-wiki {{Otheruses|God (disambiguation)}} [[File:Николай Бердяев.jpg|thumb|'''God is denied either because the world is so bad or because the world is so good.'''<br/>~ [[Nikolai Berdyaev]]]] [[File:Fostre.tif|thumb| Who hath made man's mouth? or who maketh the dumb or deaf, or the seeing or the blind? have not I the LORD? ~ [[Book of Exodus|Exodus]]]] [[File:Motherless - Luke Fildes.jpg|thumb|The [[Deity|gods]] of all [[pagan]] faiths have been allied with the [[rich]] [[rulers]]. The priests of most religions are the employees of the landowners. But the God of Israel has always claimed to be with the poor—whether in the legislation of [[Deuteronomy]], the [[words]] of the [[prophets]], or the [[experiences]] of the [[New Testament]]. Our God is on the side of the [[poor]]. ~ [[John Howard Yoder]]]] [[File:QUR'AN 2981a.jpg|thumb|I [[know]] what you know not. ~ [[Quran]]]] [[File:US Wealth Inequality - v2.png|thumb|Oppressed and oppressors cannot possibly mean the same thing when they speak of God. The God of the oppressed is a God of revolution who breaks the chains of slavery. The oppressors' God is a God of slavery and must be destroyed along with the oppressors. ~ [[James Cone]]]] [[File:Ludwig feuerbach.jpg|thumb|God is for man the [[w:commonplace book|commonplace book]] where he registers his highest feelings and thoughts, the genealogical album into which he enters the names of the things most dear and sacred to him. ~ [[Ludwig&nbsp;Feuerbach]]]] [[File:Schnorr von Carolsfeld Bibel in Bildern 1860 057.png|thumb|God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. ~ [[Psalms|Psalms 46:1 - 3]]]] [[File:Simone Weil 1921.jpg|thumb|The only mark of God in us is that we feel that we are not God. ~ [[Simone&nbsp;Weil]]]] [[File:Emerson, poet and thinker (1904) (14577386099).jpg|thumb|When we consider what is our thought of God we find that it is our own soul stripped of all inferiority and carried out to perfection. ~ [[Ralph&nbsp;Waldo&nbsp;Emerson]]]] [[File:Brockhaus and Efron Jewish Encyclopedia e9 615-0.jpg|thumb|Only the idea of God gives me the confidence that morality will become reality on earth. And because I cannot live without this confidence, I cannot live without God. ~ [[Hermann&nbsp;Cohen]] ]] [[File:Laurent de La Hyre - Allegory of Arithmetic - Walters 371917.jpg|thumb|He best honors God who makes his intellect as like God as possible. ~ [[Quintus Sextius]]]] [[File:John Calvin 17.jpg|thumb|We cannot aspire to Him in earnest until we have begun to be displeased with ourselves. ~ [[John Calvin]]]] [[File:God the Father with His Right Hand Raised in Blessing.jpg|thumb|If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him. ~ [[Voltaire]] ]] [[File:Gregor von Nyssa.JPG|thumb|right|The love of gain, which is a large, incalculably large, element in every soul, when once applied to the desire for God, will bless the one who has it. ~ [[Gregory of Nyssa]]]] [[File:Percy Bysshe Shelley by Alfred Clint crop.jpg|thumb|If we find great difficulty from its admirable arrangement in conceiving that the Universe has existed from all eternity, and to resolve this difficulty suppose a Creator, how much more clearly must we perceive the necessity of this very Creator’s creation. ~ [[Percy Bysshe Shelley]]]] [[File:Friederich Nietzsche.jpg|thumb|Even we knowers of today, we godless anti-metaphysicians, still take our fire, too, from the flame lit by the thousand-year-old faith, the Christian faith which was also [[Plato|Plato's]] faith, that God is truth; that truth is divine. ~ [[Friedrich Nietzsche]]]] [[File:Nietzsche1882 smaller.jpeg|thumb|You see what it was that really triumphed over the Christian God: Christian morality itself, the concept of truthfulness that was understood more rigorously, the father confessor’s refinement of the Christian conscience, translated and sublimated into a scientific conscience, into intellectual cleanliness at any price. ~ [[Friedrich&nbsp;Nietzsche]]]] [[File:Bataille crop.jpg|thumb|If I said decisively, “I have seen God,” that which I see would change. Instead of the inconceivable unknown—wildly free before me, leaving me wild and free before it—there would be a dead object and the thing of the theologian, to which the unknown would be subjugated. ~ [[Georges Bataille]]]] [[File:Williboni.jpg|thumb|How wrong it is to use God as a stop-gap for the incompleteness of our knowledge. If in fact the frontiers of knowledge are being pushed further and further back (and that is bound to be the case), then God is being pushed back with them, and is therefore continually in retreat. We are to find God in what we know, not in what we don’t know. ~ [[Dietrich&nbsp;Bonhoeffer]]]] [[File:William-Adolphe Bouguereau (1825-1905) - Petites Mendiantes (1880).jpg|thumb|The God who appears to me is the comforter of the poor and their avenger in world history. This avenger of the poor is the God I love. ~ [[Hermann Cohen]]]] In [[monotheism]], '''[[w:God|God]]''' is conceived of as the Supreme Being and principal object of [[faith]]. __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha|''[[#Bible|Bible]]'' · ''[[#Quran|Quran]]'' · ''[[#Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'' · ''[[#Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' · [[#Anonymous|Anonymous]]}} == A == :<small>Quotations listed alphabetically by author or work.</small> * "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, "for [[proof]] denies faith, and without faith, I am nothing."<br>"Oh," says man, "but the [[w:Babel fish (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)|Babel fish]] is a dead give-away, isn't it? It proves You exist, and so therefore You don't."<br>"Oh, I hadn't thought of that," says God, who promptly vanishes in a puff of [[logic]]. ** [[Douglas Adams]], ''[[The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy]]'' (1979), [[The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy#Chapter 6|Chapter 6]] * When we say God is a [[spirit]], we know what we mean, as well as we do when we say that the pyramids of Egypt are matter. Let us be content, therefore, to believe him to be a spirit, that is, an essence that we know nothing of, in which originally and necessarily reside all energy, all power, all capacity, all activity, all wisdom, all goodness. ** [[John Adams]], in a letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]] (17 January 1820) * Nearer, my God, to Thee—<br> Nearer to Thee—<br>E'en though it be a cross<br> That raiseth me;<br>Still all my song shall be<br>Nearer, my God, to Thee,<br> Nearer to Thee! ** [[Sarah Flower Adams]], ''Nearer, my God, to Thee!'' (c. 1841); an article in Notes and Queries states that the words were written by her sister, Mrs. Byrdes Flower Adams, and the music only by Sarah Flower Adams. * God tells us [[Homosexuality|men fucking men]] is a terrible thing, but a father offering his two daughters, vestal [[Virginity|virgins]] no less, to a horde of horny buggers is [[heroic]]. Now that's straight. … God destroys the faggots with fire and brimstone. He turns a disobedient wife into salt. But he asks us to [[Idolatry|idolize]] [[Drunkenness|drunks]] [[Incest|who sleep with their daughters]] or offer them to a horny, unruly mob. ** [[Rabih Alameddine]] on the [[Bible|biblical narrative]] of Lot and his family confronting the inhabitants of [[Sodom and Gomorrah]], as quoted by Wail S. Hassan in ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=vA5pAgAAQBAJ&pg=PA207 Immigrant Narratives: Orientalism and Cultural Translation in Arab American and Arab British Literature]'' (2011), Oxford University Press, {{ISBN|978-0-19-979206-1}}, page 207. * ''Nec audiendi qui solent dicere, vox populi, vox Dei, quum tumultuositas vulgi semper insaniae proxima sit.'' ** And those people should not be listened to who keep saying the voice of the people is the voice of God, since the riotousness of the crowd is always very close to madness. ** Variant translation: We should not listen to those who like to affirm that the voice of the people is the voice of God, for the tumult of the masses is truly close to madness. ** [[Alcuin]] Works, Epistle 127 (to Charlemagne, AD 800) * '''Never place a period where God has placed a comma.''' ** [[Gracie Allen]], in her last letter to [[George Burns]], as quoted in ''Two Minutes for God : Quick Fixes for the Spirit'' (2007) by Peter B. Panagore, p. 73; this was later used in a slogan for the [[w:United Church of Christ|United Church of Christ]]: '''Never place a period where God has placed a comma. God Is Still Speaking.''' * Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends. ** [[Woody Allen]], ''Getting Even'' (1971) * If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. ** [[Woody Allen]], ''[[w:Without Feathers|Without Feathers]]'' (1975) * The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter... if it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he is evil. I think that the worst thing you could say is that he is, basically, an under-achiever. If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse. ** [[Woody Allen]], ''[[w:Love and Death|Love and Death]]'' (1975); also quoted in ''What Do Jews Believe? : The Customs and Culture of Modern Judaism'' (2007) by Edward Kessler, p. 66 * To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. ** [[Woody Allen]], ''[[w:Stardust Memories|Stardust Memories]]'' (1980) * How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? ** [[Woody Allen]], as quoted in ''Love, Sex, Death & The Meaning of Life : The Films of Woody Allen'' (2001) by Foster Hirsch, p. 50 *God — or [[Aum|Aum (om)]] —is the Highest Being of your inner self. **[[Agni Yoga]], [http://agniyoga.org/ay_en/Leaves-of-Moryas-Garden-I.php ''Leaves of Morya’s Garden: Book One: The Call''], 6, (1924) *[[Love]] even the knot-grass. God created it. **[[Agni Yoga]], ''Leaves of Morya’s Garden: Book One: The Call'', 237, (1924) *Shepherds have received the revelations, While emperors have searched for them. Dogmatic scholars have resisted them. Leaders have been fearful of them. The Voice of God overshadows all when there is [[spiritual]] readiness. **[[Agni Yoga]], ''Leaves of Morya’s Garden: Book One: The Call'', 367, (1924) *They who deny God have not seen Him. **[[Agni Yoga]], [http://agniyoga.org/ay_en/Leaves-of-Moryas-Garden-II.php ''Leaves of Morya’s Garden II, Illumination''] 180, (1924) *The canon, “By thy God,” is the higher, and this canon is the basis of the New World. Formerly one said: “And my spirit rejoiceth in God, my Savior.” [[Now]] you will say: “And my spirit rejoiceth in God, thy Savior.” Solemnly do I say that therein is salvation. “Long live thy God!” So you will say to everyone; and, exchanging Gods, you will walk to the One.<BR>There where one might otherwise sink one can tread softly, if without negation. There where one could suffocate one can pass, by pronouncing “Thy God.” There where matter is revered one can pass only by elevating the earthly matter into the Cosmos. Essentially, one should not have any attachment to Earth... Thus, find the God of each one and exalt Him. **[[Agni Yoga]], ''Leaves of Morya’s Garden II, Illumination'', 211, (1924) *What is meant by "mad in God"? Why were the prophets of antiquity called madmen? Precisely because of the fire of straight-knowledge, which isolated them from all else, a valuable quality that severed them from the ordinary, everyday ways of thinking. **[[Agni Yoga]],  ''Agni Yoga'',    281, (1929) *Even in the most ancient times people understood the significance of the heart. They regarded the heart as the Dwelling of God. **[[Agni Yoga]], ''Heart'' 73, (1932) * '''I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires.''' ** [[Susan B. Anthony]], in an address to the National American Woman Suffrage Association (1896) * God is the most noble of beings. Now it is impossible for a body to be the most noble of beings; for a body must be either animate or inanimate; and an animate body is manifestly nobler than any inanimate body. But an animate body is not animate precisely as body; otherwise all bodies would be animate. Therefore its animation depends upon some other thing, as our body depends for its animation on the soul. Hence that by which a body becomes animated must be nobler than the body. Therefore it is impossible that God should be a body. ** [[Thomas Aquinas]], ''Summa Theologica'', Part 1, Question 3 * ''Ordina l'uomo, e dio dispone.'' ** Man proposes, and God disposes. ** [[Ludovico Ariosto]], ''Orlando Furioso'' (1516), Chapter XLVI. 35 * '''If I were not an [[atheist]], I would believe in a God who would choose to save people on the basis of the totality of their [[lives]] and not the pattern of their [[words]].''' I think he would prefer an [[honest]] and [[righteous]] atheist to a TV preacher whose every word is God, God, God, and whose every deed is foul, foul, foul. ** [[Isaac Asimov]], ''I. Asimov: A Memoir'' (1994) * God, in order to speak to [[Abraham]], must come from somewhere, must enter the earthly realm from some [[unknown]] heights or depths. Whence does he come, whence does he call to Abraham? We are not told. He does not come, like Zeus or [[w:Poseidon|Poseidon]], from the [[w:Aethiopia|Aethiopians]], where he has been enjoying a sacrificial feast. Nor are we told anything of his reasons for tempting Abraham so terribly. He has not, like Zeus, discussed them in set speeches with other gods gathered in council; nor have the deliberations in his own heart been presented to us; unexpected and mysterious, he enters the scene from some unknown height or depth and calls: Abraham! It will at once be said that this is to be explained by the particular concept of God which the Jews held and which was wholly different from that of the Greeks. True enough—but this constitutes no objection. For how is the Jewish concept of God to be explained? Even their earlier God of the desert was not fixed in form and content, and was alone; his lack of form, his lack of local habitation, his singleness, was in the end not only maintained but developed even further in competition with the comparatively far more manifest gods of the surrounding Near Eastern world. The concept of God held by the Jews is less a cause than a symptom of their manner of comprehending and representing things. ** [[Erich Auerbach]], ''Mimesis: The Representation of Reality in Western Literature'', Willard R. Trask, trans. (Princeton: 1953), chapter 1 * '''If you comprehend, it is not God.''' ** [[Augustine of Hippo]], ''Sermon'' 52, 16 * ''Deus scitur melius nesciendo.'' ** God is best known in not knowing him. ** [[Augustine of Hippo]], ''De Ordine'', II, 16 [[File:TenCommandmentsAustinStateCapitol.jpg|thumb|I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires. ~ [[Susan&nbsp;B.&nbsp;Anthony]] ]] * For He is called omnipotent on account of His doing what He wills, not on account of His suffering what He wills not; for if that should befall Him, He would by no means be omnipotent. Wherefore, He cannot do some things for the very reason that He is omnipotent. ** [[Augustine of Hippo]] in: ''[http://www.ccel.org/ccel/schaff/npnf102.iv.V.10.html St. Augustine's City of God and Christian Doctrine: Chapter 10.—Whether Our Wills are Ruled by Necessity]'', ccel.org * '''A God who cannot smile could not have created this humorous universe.''' ** [[Sri Aurobindo]], ''Thoughts and Aphorisms'' * '''God, the supreme being, is neither circumscribed by [[space]], nor touched by [[time]]; he cannot be found in a particular direction, and his [[essence]] cannot [[change]].''' The secret conversation is thus entirely spiritual; it is a direct encounter between God and the [[soul]], abstracted from all material constraints. ** [[Avicenna]], as quoted in ''366 Readings From Islam'' (2000), edited by Robert Van der Weyer == B == [[File:Martin Buber portrait.jpg|thumb|[[All]] [[names]] of God remain hallowed because they have been used not only to speak ''of'' God but also to speak ''to'' him. ~ [[Martin Buber]] ]] *At certain great moments down the ages, God drew nearer to His people and humanity at the same time made great, though oft unconscious efforts to draw near to God. From one angle, it might be regarded as God transcendent recognizing God immanent, and God in man reaching out to God in the Whole and greater than the Whole. On the part of God, working through the Head of the spiritual Hierarchy and its Membership, this effort was intentional, conscious and deliberate; on the part of man, it has been in the past largely unconscious, forced upon humanity by the tragedy of circumstances, by desperate need and by the driving urge of the immanent Christ consciousness. **[[Alice Bailey]], ''Problems Of Humanity'', Chapter V The Problem of the Churches - Part 2, (1944) *The Eastern faiths have ever emphasised God Immanent, deep within the human heart, "nearer than hands and feet", the Self, the One, the Atma, smaller than the small, yet all-comprehensive. The Western faiths have presented God Transcendent, Outside His universe, an Onlooker. God transcendent, first of all, conditioned men's concept of [[Deity]], for the action of this transcendent God appeared in the process of nature; later, in the Jewish dispensation, God appeared as the tribal [[Jehovah]], as the soul (the rather unpleasant soul) of a nation. Next, God was seen as a perfected man, and the divine God-man walked the Earth in the Person of the Christ. **[[Alice Bailey]] ''The Reappearance of the Christ'' p. 144, (1947) *Today we have a rapidly growing emphasis upon God immanent in every human being, and in every created form. Today, we should have the churches presenting a synthesis of these two ideas, which have been summed up for us in the statement of Shri [[Krishna]] in the Bhagavad Gita: "Having pervaded this whole universe with a fragment of Myself, I remain." God, greater than the created whole, yet God present also in the part; God Transcendent guarantees the Plan of our world, and is the Purpose conditioning all lives from the minutest atom, up through all the kingdoms of nature, to man. **[[Alice Bailey]] in ''The Reappearance of the Christ'' p. 145, (1947) *True [[religion]] is again emerging in the hearts of men in every land; this recognition of a divine hope and background may possibly take people back into the church and into the world faiths, but it will most certainly take them back to God. **[[Alice Bailey]] ''The Reappearance of the Christ,'' Chapter Three (1947) *Religion is the name, surely, which we give to the invocative appeal of humanity which leads to the evocative response of the Spirit of God. This Spirit works in every human heart and in all groups. **[[Alice Bailey]] ''The Reappearance of the Christ,'' Chapter Three (1947) *Slowly, there is dawning upon the awakening consciousness of humanity the great paralleling truth of God Immanent – divinely "pervading" all forms, conditioning from within all kingdoms in nature, expressing innate divinity through human beings. . . . There is a growing and developing belief that Christ is in us, as He was in the Master Jesus, and this belief will alter world affairs and mankind's entire attitude to life. (13 – 592). **[[Alice Bailey]] in ''The Externalization of the Hierarchy'' p. 592, (1957) *God Transcendent, greater, vaster and more inclusive than His created world, is universally recognised and has been generally emphasised; all faiths can say with Shri Krishna (speaking as God, the Creator) that "having pervaded the whole universe with a fragment of Myself, I remain." This God Transcendent has dominated the religious thinking of millions of simple and spiritually-minded people down the centuries which have elapsed since humanity began to press forward towards divinity. **[[Alice Bailey]] ''The Externalisation Of The Hierarchy'' The Return of the Christ - Part 1, (1957) * A jealous lover of human liberty, and deeming it the absolute condition of all that we admire and respect in humanity, I reverse the phrase of [[Voltaire]], and say that ''if God really existed, it would be necessary to abolish him.''<!--emphasis in original--> ** [[Mikhail Bakunin]] in "On God and the State" * '''The glory of God is not contingent on man's good will, but all existence subserves his purposes.''' The system of the universe is as a celestial poem, whose beauty is from all eternity, and must not be marred by human interpolations. '''Things proceed as they were ordered, in their nice, and well-adjusted, and perfect harmony; so that as the hand of the skilful artist gathers music from the harp-strings, history calls it forth from the well-tuned chords of time.''' Not that this harmony can be heard during the tumult of action. Philosophy comes after events, and gives the reason of them, and describes the nature of their results. The great mind of collective man may, one day, so improve in self-consciousness as to interpret the present and foretell the future; but as yet, the end of what is now happening, though we ourselves partake in it, seems to fall out by chance. '''All is nevertheless one whole; individuals, families, peoples, the race, march in accord with the Divine will; and when any part of the destiny of humanity is fulfilled, we see the ways of Providence vindicated. The antagonisms of imperfect matter and the perfect idea, of liberty and necessary law, become reconciled. What seemed irrational confusion, appears as the web woven by light, liberty and love.''' But this is not perceived till a great act in the drama of life is finished. The prayer of the patriarch, when he desired to behold the Divinity face to face, was denied; but he was able to catch a glimpse of Jehovah, after He had passed by; and so it fares with our search for Him in the wrestlings of the world. '''It is when the hour of conflict is over, that history comes to a right understanding of the strife, and is ready to exclaim: "Lo! God is here, and we knew it not." ''' ** [[George Bancroft]] ''Literary and Historical Miscellanies'' (1855), p. 491 * When the mind is not dissipated upon extraneous things, nor diffused over the world about us through the senses, it withdraws within itself, and of its own accord ascends to the contemplation of God. ** [[Basil of Caesarea]], Letter to [[w:Gregory of Nazianzus|Gregory]], ''Saint Basil: The Letters'', R. Deferrari, trans. (1926), vol. 1, p. 15 * We thus become temples of God whenever earthly cares cease to interrupt the continuity of our memory of Him. ** [[Basil of Caesarea]], Letter to [[w:Gregory of Nazianzus|Gregory]], ''Saint Basil: The Letters'', R. Deferrari, trans. (1926), vol. 1, p. 19 * If I said decisively, “I have seen God,” that which I see would change. Instead of the inconceivable unknown—wildly free before me, leaving me wild and free before it—there would be a dead object and the thing of the theologian, to which the unknown would be subjugated. ** [[Georges Bataille]], ''Inner Experience'' (1954), L. Boldt, trans. (1988), p. 4 * If by Godot I had meant God I would have said God, and not Godot. ** [[Samuel Beckett]], on the title of one of his most famous plays, ''[[w:Waiting for Godot|Waiting for Godot]]'', as quoted in ''The Essential Samuel Beckett : An Illustrated Biography'', by Enoch Brater (revised edition, 2003), p. 75 * How many questions arise in this place! Constantly the question comes up: Where was God in those days? Why was he silent? How could he permit this endless slaughter, this triumph of evil? . . . We must continue to cry out humbly yet insistently to God: Rouse yourself! Do not forget mankind, your creature! ** [[Pope Benedict XVI]], who visited the former concentration camp at [[Auschwitz]], Poland, on (28 May 2006), as quoted in ''“Why, [[Lord]], Did You Remain Silent?”'', in ''[[w:The Watchtower|The Watchtower]]'' magazine (15 May 2007) *'''[[God]] is denied either because the world is so bad or because the world is so good.'''<br/>Original: ''Бога отрицают или потому, что мир так плох, или потому, что мир так хорош.'' [https://www.vehi.net/berdyaev/samopoznanie/002.html ] **[[Nikolai Berdyaev]], ''[http://vehi.net/soloviev/znachenie.html Self-knowledge (Самопознание)]'', 1940. *The true Mystic, realising God, has no need of any Scriptures, for he has touched the source whence all Scriptures flow. **[[Annie Besant]] in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=eIrD4GQFCPIC&pg=PT437 ''The Theosophical Writings of Annie Besant''] *[[Mysticism]] is the realisation of God, of the Universal Self. It is attained either as a realisation of God outside the Mystic, or within himself. In the first case, it is usually reached from within a religion, by exceptionally intense love and devotion, accompanied by purity of life, for only "the pure in heart shall see God". **[[Annie Besant]] in ''Annie Besant Quotes'' ISBN-13: 978-1535078498 (2016) *It is patent to every student of the closing forty years of the last century, that crowds of thoughtful and moral people have slipped away from the churches, because the teachings they received there outraged their intelligence and shocked their moral sense. It is idle to pretend that the widespread agnosticism of this period had its root either in lack of morality or in deliberate crookedness of mind. Everyone who carefully studies the phenomena presented will admit that men of strong intellect have been driven out of Christianity by the crudity of the religious ideas set before them, the contradictions in the authoritative teachings, the views as to God, man, and the universe that no trained intelligence could possibly admit. Nor can it be said that any kind of moral degradation lay at the root of the revolt against the dogmas of the Church. The rebels were not too bad for their religion; on the contrary, it was the religion that was too bad for them. The rebellion against popular Christianity was due to the awakening and the growth of conscience; it was the conscience that revolted, as well as the intelligence, against teachings dishonouring to God and man alike, that represented God as a tyrant, and man as essentially evil, gaining salvation by slavish submission. **[[Annie Besant]] in ''[https://onlinebooks.library.upenn.edu/webbin/gutbook/lookup?num=26938 Esoteric Christianity (The Lesser Mysteries), Theosophical publishing,]'' (1914) *Another precept of Jesus which remains as "a hard saying" to his followers is: "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect". [S. Matt., v, 48. ] The ordinary Christian knows that he cannot possibly obey this command; full of ordinary human frailties and weaknesses, how can he become perfect as God is perfect? Seeing the impossibility of the achievement set before him, he quietly puts it aside, and thinks no more about it. But seen as the crowning effort of [[reincarnation|many lives]] of steady improvement, as the triumph of the God within us over the lower nature, it comes within calculable distance, and we recall the words of Porphyry, how the man who achieves "the paradigmatic virtues is the Father of the Gods", and that in the Mysteries these virtues were acquired. **[[Annie Besant]] in ''[https://onlinebooks.library.upenn.edu/webbin/gutbook/lookup?num=26938 Esoteric Christianity (The Lesser Mysteries), Theosophical publishing,]'' (1914) *For so reverent is God to that Spirit which is Himself in man, that He will not even pour into the human soul a flood of strength and life unless that soul is willing to receive it. There must be an opening from below as well as an outpouring from above, the receptiveness of the lower nature as well as the willingness of the higher to give. That is the link between the Christ and the man; that is what the churches have called the outpouring of "divine grace"; that is what is meant by the "faith" necessary to make the grace effective. As [[Giordano Bruno]] once put it — the human soul has windows, and can shut those windows close. The [[sun]] outside is shining, the light is unchanging; let the windows be opened and the sunlight must stream in. The light of God is beating against the windows of every human soul, and when the windows are thrown open, the soul becomes illuminated. There is no change in God, but there is a change in man; and man's will may not be forced, else were the divine Life in him blocked in its due evolution. Thus in every Christ that rises, all humanity is lifted a step higher, and by His wisdom the ignorance of the whole world is lessened. **[[Annie Besant]] in ''[https://onlinebooks.library.upenn.edu/webbin/gutbook/lookup?num=26938 Esoteric Christianity (The Lesser Mysteries), Theosophical publishing,]'' (1914) * '''[[Zeus]]''', ''n''. The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as [[w:Jupiter|Jupiter]] and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog. Some explorers who have touched upon the shores of America, and one who professes to have penetrated a considerable distance to the interior, have thought that these four names stand for as many distinct deities, but in his monumental work on Surviving Faiths, Frumpp insists that the natives are monotheists, each having no other god than himself, whom he worships under many sacred names. ** [[Ambrose Bierce]], ''The Cynic's Word Book'' (1906), later retitled ''[[w:The Devil's Dictionary|The Devil's Dictionary]]'' *Although neither an alchemist, magician, nor astrologer, but simply a great [[philosopher]], [[Henry More]], of Cambridge University — a man universally esteemed, may be named as a shrewd logician, scientist, and metaphysician... His faith in immortality and able arguments in demonstration of the survival of man's spirit after death are all based on the [[Pythagoras#Quotes_about_Pythagoreanism|Pythagorean system]]... and other [[mystics]]. The infinite and uncreated spirit that we usually call God, a substance of the highest virtue and excellency, produced everything else by emanative causality. God thus is the primary substance... He...stoutly defended the theory of the individuality of every soul in which "personality, memory, and conscience will surely continue in the future state." He divided the astral spirit of man after its exit from the body into two distinct entities: the "aerial" and the "aethereal vehicle." During the time that a disembodied man moves in its aerial clothing, he is subject to Fate -- i.e., evil and temptation, attached to its earthly interests, and therefore is not utterly pure; it is only when he casts off this garb of the first spheres and becomes ethereal that he becomes sure of his immortality. "For what shadow can that body cast that is a pure and transparent light, such as the ethereal vehicle is? And therefore that oracle is then fulfilled, when the soul has ascended into that condition we have already described, in which alone it is out of the reach of fate and mortality." **[[H.P. Blavatsky]], ''Isis Unveiled: A Master-Key to the Mysteries of Ancient and Modern Science and Theology,'' Vol. I, Before the Veil, (1877) *It is not the One unknown ever-present God in Nature, or Nature in abscondito, that is rejected, but the “God” of human dogma, and his humanized “Word.” Man, in his [[infinite]] conceit and inherent pride and vanity, shaped it himself with his sacrilegious hand out of the material he found in his own small brain-fabric, and forced it upon his fellows as a direct revelation from the one unrevealed Space. **[[H.P. Blavatsky]], ''The Secret Doctrine'', Vol. 1 (1888) *Esoteric Philosophy...denies Deity no more than it does the sun. Esoteric Philosophy has never rejected God in Nature, nor Deity as the absolute and abstract Ens. It only refuses to accept any of the gods of the so-called monotheistic religions, gods created by man in his own image and likeness, a [[blasphemous]] and sorry caricature of the Ever-Unknowable. **H.P. Blavatsky, ''The Secret Doctrine'', Vol. 1 (1888) *We reject the idea of a personal, or an extra-cosmic and anthropomorphic God, who is but the gigantic shadow of man, and not of man at his best, either. The God of [[theology]], we say—and prove it—is a bundle of contradictions and a logical impossibility... Our DEITY is neither in a paradise, nor in a particular tree, building, or mountain; it is everywhere, in every atom of the visible as of the invisible Cosmos, in, over, and around every invisible atom and divisible molecule; for IT is the mysterious power of evolution and involution, the omnipresent, omnipotent, and even omniscient creative potentiality. **[[Helena Petrovna Blavatsky]],''The Key to Theosophy'' (1889) *If we have to believe in a divine principle at all, it must be in one which is as absolute harmony, logic, and justice, as it is absolute love, wisdom, and impartiality; and a God who would create every soul for the space of one brief span of life, regardless of the fact whether it has to animate the body of a wealthy, happy man, or that of a poor suffering wretch, hapless from birth to death though he has done nothing to deserve his cruel fate—would be rather a senseless fiend than a God. **[[H.P. Blavatsky]],''The Key to Theosophy'' (1889) * How wrong it is to use God as a stop-gap for the incompleteness of our knowledge. If in fact the frontiers of knowledge are being pushed further and further back (and that is bound to be the case), then God is being pushed back with them, and is therefore continually in retreat. We are to find God in what we know, not in what we don’t know. ** [[Dietrich Bonhoeffer]], ''Letters and Papers from Prison'' (1967), p. 311 * To everyone God is the kind of God he believes in. ** [[Dietrich Bonhoeffer]], ''Nachfolge'' (1937), ''The Cost of Discipleship'' (1959), p. 185 * '''Only what is fated to die is capable of living. Only what dies lives.''' Why do you think [[Jesus|Christ]] was killed? They killed him to prove that he wasn’t a god. But in killing him, they immortalized the perishable and transformed man into a god. ** [[Giannina Braschi]] in "[[Empire of Dreams]]" *The gods [[envy]] me because they cannot die. ** [[Giannina Braschi]] in "[[Empire of Dreams]]" * Goddes love<br>is unescapable as nature's environment,<br>which if a man ignore or think to thrust it off<br>he is the ill-natured fool that runneth on to death. ** [[Robert Bridges]], ''The Testament of Beauty'' (1929), Book IV, line 1419 * That we devote ourselves to God is seen<br>In living just as though no God there were. ** [[Robert Browning]], ''Paracelsus'' (1835), Part I * '''God is the perfect [[poet]],<br>Who in his person acts his own creations.''' ** [[Robert Browning]], ''Paracelsus'' (1835), Part II * '''God's in His [[Heaven]] — <br>All's right with the world!''' ** [[Robert Browning]], ''Pippa Passes'' (1841), Part I * All service is the same with God,<br>With God, whose puppets, best and worst,<br>Are we: there is no last nor first. ** [[Robert Browning]], ''Pippa Passes'' (1841), Part IV * All names of God remain hallowed because they have been used not only to speak ''of'' God but also to speak ''to'' him. ** [[Martin Buber]], ''[[w:I and Thou|I and Thou]]'' (1923) * Some would deny any legitimate use of the word God because it has been misused so much. Certainly it is the most burdened of all human words. Precisely for that reason it is the most imperishable and unavoidable. And how much weight has all erroneous talk about God's nature and works (although there never has been nor can be any such talk that is not erroneous) compared with the one truth that all men who have addressed God really meant him? For whoever pronounces the word God and really means Thou, addresses, no matter what his delusion, the true Thou of his life that cannot be restricted by any other and to whom he stands in a relationship that includes all others. ** [[Martin Buber]], ''[[w:I and Thou|I and Thou]]'' (1923) * When we rise out of [the night] into the new life and there begin to receive the signs, what can we know of that which—of him who gives them to us? Only what we experience from time to time from the signs themselves. If we name the speaker of this speech God, then it is always the God of a moment, a moment God. ** [[Martin Buber]], ''Between Man and Man'' (1965), p. 15 * According to mythological thinking, God has his domicile in [[heaven]]. What is the meaning of this statement? The meaning is quite clear. In a crude manner it expresses the idea that God is beyond the world, that He is transcendent. The thinking which is not yet capable of forming the abstract idea of transcendence expresses its intention in the category of space. ** [[Rudolf Bultmann]], “Jesus Christ and Mythology,” Interpreting Faith for the Modern Era, p. 294 * “Don’t you know everything?”<br>God smiled. “No, I outgrew that trick long ago. You can’t imagine how boring it was.” ** [[Octavia Butler]], ''The Book of Martha'' (2003). Originally published in ''[[w:Sci Fiction|Sci Fiction]]'' (May 21, 2003). Reprinted in [[w:David G. Hartwell|David G. Hartwell]] (ed.), ''Year’s Best Fantasy 4'' (p. 52) * God's merits are so transcendent that it is not surprising his faults should be in reasonable proportion. ** [[Samuel Butler]] "Rebelliousness" in ''Note-Books'' (1912) * '''There is no god but God! — to prayer — lo! <br> God is great!''' ** [[Lord Byron]], ''[[Childe Harold's Pilgrimage]]'', Canto II (1812), Stanza 59, this is a translation of standard Islamic exclamations * “It’s not my job to be God’s lawyer,...I’m his salesman. I do believe he’s the greatest thing that ever existed, and I encourage people to get to know him without trying to explain what he’s doing or why.” ** Rabbi Chaim Bruk in [https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2020/04/02/coronavirus-god-christain-jewish-muslim-leaders-saying-deadly-plague/5101639002/ Is the coronavirus an act of God? Faith leaders debate tough questions amid pandemic, USA Today] April 2, 2020. == C == * Our feeling of ignorance, vanity, want, weakness, in short, depravity and corruption, reminds us ... that in the Lord, and none but He, dwell the true light of wisdom, solid virtue, exuberant goodness. We are accordingly urged by our own evil things to consider the good things of God; and, indeed, we cannot aspire to Him in earnest until we have begun to be displeased with ourselves. For what man is not disposed to rest in himself? Who, in fact, does not thus rest, so long as he is unknown to himself; that is, so long as he is contented with his own endowments, and unconscious or unmindful of his misery? Every person, therefore, on coming to the knowledge of himself, is not only urged to seek God, but is also led as by the hand to find him. ** [[John Calvin]], ''[[w:Institutes of the Christian Religion|Institutes of the Christian Religion]]'', Book 1, Chapter 1 * Without knowledge of self there is no knowledge of God. ** [[John Calvin]], ''[[w:Institutes of the Christian Religion|Institutes of the Christian Religion]]'', Book 1 Chapter 1, p. 44 *God, or is it Mr. G to me? **[[w:Alessia Cara|Alessia Cara]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zXfF3uxwww "7 Days"], ''The Pains of Growing'' (2018) * Except during my childhood, when I was probably influenced by [[Michelangelo]]'s Sistine Chapel depiction of God with a flowing white beard, I have never tried to project the Creator in any kind of human likeness. The vociferous debates about whether God is male or female seem ridiculous to me. I think of God as an omnipotent and omniscient presence, a [[spirit]] that permeates the [[universe]], the essence of [[truth]], [[nature]], being, and [[life]]. To me, these are profound and indescribable concepts that seem to be trivialized when expressed in [[words]]. ** [[Jimmy Carter]], ''Living Faith'' (2001), p. 222 * Although every believing Christian understands that God guides our steps, fewer and fewer emphasize the point. A God working actively in the world makes us uneasy. We tend to like our God distant and a bit malleable, ready to bend to every new human idea. A God with a will of his own is too scary, and, besides, he might get in the way of our satisfaction of immediate desire. ** [[Stephen L. Carter]], ''[[Stephen L. Carter#The Emperor of Ocean Park (2002)|The Emperor of Ocean Park]]'', Ch. 25, ''A Modest Request'', I (2002) * Promises made to others in God's name engage the divine honor, fidelity, truthfulness, and authority. They must be respected in justice. To be unfaithful to them is to misuse God's name and in some way to make God out to be a liar. (1 John 1:10) ** [[Catechism of the Catholic Church]] 2147 * True religion consists in proposing, as our great end, a growing likeness to the Supreme Being. Its noblest influence consists in making us more and more partakers of the Divinity. ** [[William Ellery Channing]], “Likeness to God” (1828) * Religious instruction should aim chiefly to turn men’s aspirations and efforts to that perfection of the soul, which constitutes it a bright image of God. ** [[William Ellery Channing]], “Likeness to God” (1828) * '''I tell you this, that you will have found out the [[truth]] of the last [[tree]] and the top-most [[cloud]] before the truth about [[Self|me]].''' You will [[understand]] the [[sea]], and I shall be still a [[Mystery|riddle]]; you shall [[Knowledge|know]] what the [[stars]] are, and not know [[The All|what I am]]. Since the [[beginning]] of the [[world]] all [[men]] have hunted me like a [[wolf]] — [[Monarchy|kings]] and [[Philosophy|sages]], and [[poets]] and [[Law|lawgivers]], all the [[Church|churches]], and all the [[Philosophy|philosophies]]. But '''I have never been caught yet, and the [[Sky|skies]] will fall in the [[time]] I turn to bay.''' I have given them a [[good]] run for their [[money]], and I will now. ** [[G. K. Chesterton]], ''[[The Man Who Was Thursday]]'' (1908), [[s:The Man Who Was Thursday/Chapter XIII|Ch. XIII : The Pursuit of the President]], "Sunday" representing God speaking to the ostensible [[Anarchism|anarchists]] who have just realized they were were all policemen and spies, but who still haven't realized their role or Sunday's in the comic nightmare Chesterton devised. * If [people] wish to love God, they [must] be prepared to do so no matter what His intentions. God is not just, God is not kind, God is not merciful, and understanding that is essential to true devotion. ** [[w:Ted Chiang|Ted Chiang]] "{{w|Hell Is the Absence of God}}", Stories of Your Life and Others (e-book ed.). Picador. p. 164. ISBN 978-1-4472-8198-6. * God can only set in motion:<br>He cannot control the things he has made. ** [[T'ao Ch'ien]], ''Substance, Shadow, and Spirit'', "Spirit expounds" (transl. by Arthur Waley) * First of all you – you fucking fake Christians – don’t fucking question my Christianity. I grew up in the church. My grandfather was a minister, who is with God now and talks to me in my dreams from God’s corner office. I am a former Sunday school teacher. I taught the [[Bible]] to children and showed them how to love God and invite him into their hearts. I believe in God – but I don’t fear him. God is my best friend. God is my ally. God is my boyfriend. God is my best fag. I am God’s fag hag cuz didn’t you know, God is a big fag. Serious bottom too. Butch in the streets, femme in the sheets. That is my God. God is my biggest fan. God gets me, dude. :God wants us all to just get along. He doesn’t give a shit about the profanity. The bitch fucking invented profanity. He thinks it is hilarious. He just wants you to talk to him, and he doesn’t care what you have to say. He just wants to keep the conversation going. Like Jay-Z, he just wants to love you. He just wants you to be able to make your own decisions. God is all about you and what you need. God is happy that you are gay. God made you fucking gay cuz he thinks it is awesome. God understands if you need to have an abortion. That is why he created abortion, on the 8th day. God accepts. God forgives. God loves all of us, even though some of us might have a problem with each other. :* [[Margaret Cho]], [http://margaretcho.com/2008/09/17/im-a-christian-you-fuckers/ I'm a Christian you Fuckers] * ''Dii immortales ad usum hominum fabricati pene videantur''. * [[Cicero]], ''[[w:De legibus|De legibus]]'', book 3 * God: a disease we imagine we are cured of because no one dies of it nowadays. ** [[Emile Cioran]], ''The Trouble with Being Born'' * In most cases we attach ourselves to God in order to take revenge on life, to punish it, to signify we can do without it, that we have found something better. ** [[E. M. Cioran]], ''History and Utopia'' (1960) * It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God but to create him. ** [[Arthur C. Clarke]], [http://www.clarkefoundation.org/sample-page/sir-arthurs-quotations/ clarkefoundation.org] * The rash assertion that ‘God made man in His own image’ is ticking like a time bomb at the foundations of many faiths, and as the hierarchy of the universe is disclosed to us, we may have to recognize this chilling truth: if there are any gods whose chief concern is man, they cannot be very important gods. ** [[Arthur C. Clarke]], [http://www.clarkefoundation.org/sample-page/sir-arthurs-quotations/ clarkefoundation.org] * I don't believe in God but I'm very interested in her. ** [[Arthur C. Clarke]], as quoted in Multiple Intelligences in Practice : Enhancing Self-esteem and Learning in the Classroom (2006) by Mike Fleetham, Section 2 : Using MI * Haven’t you ever watched ants struggling with a load too big for them? How much did you care? Even if, like God, you marked the fall of every sparrow, you might simply be conducting a survey or expressing colossal boredom, like the people who delight in measuring things. ** [[w:Mildred Clingerman|Mildred Clingerman]] "Birds Can't Count" (Originally published at [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Magazine_of_Fantasy_%26_Science_Fiction The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction] (February, 1955) and reprinted in her collection ''A Cupful of Space'') * Thou shalt have one God only; who<br>Would be at the expense of two? ** [[Arthur Hugh Clough]], ''[http://www.potw.org/archive/potw238.html The Latest Decalogue]'' (1862). * The God who appears to me is the comforter of the poor and their avenger in world history. This avenger of the poor is the God I love. ** [[Hermann Cohen]], ''The Concept of Religion in the System of Philosophy'' (1915), p. 81 * Only the idea of God gives me the confidence that morality will become reality on earth. And because I cannot live without this confidence, I cannot live without God. ** [[Hermann Cohen]], ''Reason and Hope: Selections from the Jewish Writings of Hermann Cohen'' (1971), p. 5 * Reason alone cannot prove the existence of God. [[Faith]] is reason plus revelation, and the revelation part requires one to think with the spirit as well as with the mind. You have to hear the music, not just read the notes on the page. ** [[Francis Collins]], [http://edition.cnn.com/2007/US/04/03/collins.commentary/ cnn.com] * God is [[Death|dead]] not because He doesn't exist, but because we live, play, procreate, govern, and die as though He doesn't. ** [[Charles Colson]], ''Kingdoms in Conflict'' (1990), p. [http://books.google.com/books?id=tIV5YCh49qsC&dq=%22God+is+dead+not+because+He+doesn't+exist%22 275] * Oppressed and oppressors cannot possibly mean the same thing when they speak of God. The God of the oppressed is a God of revolution who breaks the chains of slavery. The oppressors' God is a God of slavery and must be destroyed along with the oppressors. ** [[James Cone]], ''A Black Theology of Liberation'' (1970), p. 61 * God never meant that man should scale the [[Heavens]]<br>By strides of human [[wisdom]]. In his works,<br>Though wondrous, he commands us in his word<br>To seek him rather where his [[mercy]] shines. ** [[William Cowper]], ''The Task'' (1785), Book III, line 217 * But who with filial confidence inspired,<br>Can lift to Heaven an unpresumptuous eye,<br>And smiling say, My Father made them all. ** [[William Cowper]], ''The Task'' (1785), Book V. The Winter Morning Walk, line 745 * '''Acquaint thyself with God, if thou would'st taste<br>His works.''' Admitted once to his embrace,<br>Thou shalt perceive that thou wast blind before:<br>Thine [[eye]] shall be instructed; and thine [[heart]]<br>Made pure shall relish with divine delight<br>Till then unfelt, what [[hands]] divine have wrought. ** [[William Cowper]], ''The Task'' (1785), Book V, line 782 *We are really gods in incarnation. We need to recognize our threefold constitution: We are a spark of God; every religion has postulated this and has kept the idea of our divinity before humanity for thousands of years. But it can be seen more scientifically and still correctly. Speaking as an esotericist, I would say that the divine spark is so refined in vibration that it cannot manifest directly on the physical plane. It reflects itself, therefore, as the individualized human soul. The soul, in its turn, reflects itself in the human personality, with its physical, emotional, and mental bodies. Through the physical plane personality, the soul enacts its reincarnational process, until finally the individual on the physical plane, the man or woman, reflects perfectly the quality of the soul, which is the divine quality of the spark of God. **[[Benjamin Creme]] in [http://share-international.org/books/?d=AWT ''The Ageless Wisdom, An introduction to humanity's spiritual legacy,'Share International''] (1996) p.3-4 *God, in the esoteric meaning, is the sum total of all the Laws and all the energies governed by these Laws in the manifested and unmanifested universe. So God is impersonal. Nevertheless, that transcendent God is manifest in every aspect of creation, including ourselves. We are not separate from that creation — from God. Every human being has the potential of the knowledge, the awareness, of all in creation that we can think of as meaning God. <BR>The [[Masters of Wisdom|Masters [of Wisdom]]] are God-realized, which is a very specific state, in that They have brought Their consciousness, in terms of the divine spark, the Absolute, the Self, into complete at-one-ment with Themselves as men on the physical plane — the personality and the divine aspect are totally integrated... <BR>God is everything that exists, and all space between that which exists...and around everything. All of that is God... Modern science has been able to break down cellular structures and show that at the centre of every atom is a nucleus with electrons around it, vibrating at a specific rate, and that every atom in the universe is made in the same way. There is nothing but energy in all of the manifested universe. The difference between that totally scientific view and that which an esotericist would hold is that the esotericist goes further and says, indeed, all is energy, but energy follows thought, is acted upon by thought. Thought is the agency by which creation takes place. **[[Benjamin Creme]] in '[http://share-international.org/books/?d=AWT ''The Ageless Wisdom, An introduction to humanity's spiritual legacy, Share International''] (1996) p.7 == D == [[File:Freeman Dyson.jpg|thumb|We stand, in a manner of [[speaking]], midway between the [[Chance|unpredictability]] of [[atoms]] and the [[Mystery|unpredictability]] of God. ~ [[Freeman Dyson]]]] * I don't believe in God because I don't believe in [[w:Mother Goose|Mother Goose]]. ** Speech in Toronto (1930); as quoted in "Breaking the Last Taboo" (1996) by James A. Haught. ** Variant: I believe that religion is the belief in future life and in God. I don’t believe in either. I don’t believe in God as I don’t believe in Mother Goose. *** As quoted in ''Jesus: Myth Or Reality?'' (2006) by Ian Curtis ** Religion is the belief in future life and in God. I don't believe in either. *** [[Clarence Darrow]] as quoted in ''The New York Times'' (19 April 1936) * '''I am an Agnostic because I am not afraid to think. I am not afraid of any god in the universe who would send me or any other man or woman to hell. If there were such a being, he would not be a god; he would be a devil.''' ** [[Clarence Darrow]] as quoted in a eulogy for Darrow by Emanuel Haldeman-Julius (1938) * '''I am an agnostic as to the question of God.''' I think that it is impossible for the human mind to believe in an object or thing unless it can form a mental picture of such object or thing. Since man ceased to worship openly an anthropomorphic God and talked vaguely and not intelligently about some force in the universe, higher than man, that is responsible for the existence of man and the universe, he cannot be said to believe in God. One cannot believe in a force excepting as a force that pervades matter and is not an individual entity. To believe in a thing, an image of the thing must be stamped on the mind. If one is asked if he believes in such an animal as a camel, there immediately arises in his mind an image of the camel. This image has come from experience or knowledge of the animal gathered in some way or other. No such image comes, or can come, with the idea of a God who is described as a force. ** [[Clarence Darrow]], ''Why I Am An Agnostic'' (1929) <small>[http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/darrow2.htm Full text online]</small> * To say that God made the universe gives us no explanation of the beginnings of things. If we are told that God made the universe, the question immediately arises: Who made God? Did he always exist, or was there some power back of that? Did he create matter out of nothing, or is his existence coextensive with matter? The problem is still there. What is the origin of it all? If, on the other hand, one says that the universe was not made by God, that it always existed, he has the same difficulty to confront. '''To say that the universe was here last year, or millions of years ago, does not explain its origin. This is still a mystery. As to the question of the origin of things, man can only wonder and doubt and guess.''' ** [[Clarence Darrow]], ''Why I Am An Agnostic'' (1929) <small>[http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/darrow2.htm Full text online]</small> * Many Christians base the belief of a soul and God upon the Bible. Strictly speaking, there is no such book. To make the Bible, sixty-six books are bound into one volume. These books are written by many people at different times, and no one knows the time or the identity of any author. Some of the books were written by several authors at various times. These books contain all sorts of contradictory concepts of life and morals and the origin of things. Between the first and the last nearly a thousand years intervened, a longer time than has passed since the discovery of America by Columbus. ** [[Clarence Darrow]], ''Why I Am An Agnostic'' (1929) <small>[http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/darrow2.htm Full text online]</small> * That there is much suffering in the world no one disputes. Some have attempted to explain this in reference to man by imagining that it serves for his moral improvement. But the number of men in the world is as nothing compared with that of all other sentient beings, and these often suffer greatly without any moral improvement. A being so powerful and so full of knowledge as a God who could create the universe, is to our finite minds omnipotent and omniscient, and it revolts our understanding to suppose that his benevolence is not unbounded, for what advantage can there be in the sufferings of millions of the lower animals throughout almost endless time? This very old argument from the existence of suffering against the existence of an intelligent first cause seems to me a strong one; whereas, as just remarked, the presence of much suffering agrees well with the view that all organic beings have been developed through variation and natural selection. ** [[Charles Darwin]], [http://darwin-online.org.uk/content/frameset?itemID=F1497&viewtype=text&pageseq=1 ''The Autobiography of Charles Darwin 1809-1882. With the Original Omissions Restored.'' (1958)] Edited and with appendix and notes by his grand-daughter [[w:Nora Barlow|Nora Barlow]]. Page 90 * At the present day the most usual argument for the existence of an intelligent God is drawn from the deep inward conviction and feelings which are experienced by most persons. But it cannot be doubted that Hindoos, Mahomadans and others might argue in the same manner and with equal force in favour of the existence of one God, or of many Gods, or as with the Buddists of no God. There are also many barbarian tribes who cannot be said with any truth to believe in what we call God: they believe indeed in spirits or ghosts, and it can be explained, as Tyler and Herbert Spencer have shown, how such a belief would be likely to arise….This argument would be a valid one if all men of all races had the same inward conviction of the existence of one God; but we know that this is very far from being the case. Therefore I cannot see that such inward convictions and feelings are of any weight as evidence of what really exists. ** [[Charles Darwin]], [http://darwin-online.org.uk/content/frameset?itemID=F1497&viewtype=text&pageseq=1 ''The Autobiography of Charles Darwin 1809-1882. With the Original Omissions Restored.'' (1958)] Edited and with appendix and notes by his grand-daughter [[w:Nora Barlow|Nora Barlow]]. Pages 90-91. This is Darwin's reply to the [[w:Argumentum ad populum|Argument from Common Consent]]. * If you see yourself as God and then you come back from this state and somebody says, “Hey, Sam, empty the garbage!” it catches you back into the model of “I'm Sam who empties the garbage.” You can't maintain these new kinds of structures. It takes a while to realize that God can empty garbage. ** [[Ram Dass]], ''Be Here Now'' (1971) * A man who recognizes no God is probably placing an inordinate value on himself. ** [[Robertson Davies]] in ''Conversations'' * The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully. ** [[Richard Dawkins]], ''The God Delusion'' (2006), p. 31 * The trouble is that God in this sophisticated, physicist's sense bears no resemblance to the God of the Bible or any other religion. If a physicist says God is another name for Planck's constant, or God is a superstring, we should take it as a picturesque metaphorical way of saying that the nature of superstrings or the value of Planck's constant is a profound mystery. It has obviously not the smallest connection with a being capable of forgiving sins, a being who might listen to prayers, who cares about whether or not the Sabbath begins at 5pm or 6pm, whether you wear a veil or have a bit of arm showing; and no connection whatever with a being capable of imposing a death penalty on His son to expiate the sins of the world before and after he was born. ** [[Richard Dawkins]], from a lecture, extracted from ''The Nullifidian'' (December 1994) [[File:Eaglefairy hst big.jpg|thumb|It is solemn to remember that Vastness — <br> Is but the Shadow of the Brain which casts it — ~ [[Emily Dickinson]] ]] *If man is created by an external source, then he must belong to that source and not to himself. According to Buddhism, man is responsible for everything he does. Thus Buddhists have no reason to believe that man came into existence in the human form through any external sources. They believe that man is here today because of his own action. He is neither punished nor rewarded by anyone but himself according to his own good and bad action. In the process of evolution, the human being came into existence. However, there are no Buddha-words to support the belief that the world was created by anybody. The scientific discovery of gradual development of the world-system conforms with the Buddha's Teachings. **[[K. Sri Dhammananda Maha Thera]], ''What Buddhists Believe'' (1993) * They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse. ** [[Emily Dickinson]], Letter to Mrs. J. G. Holland [L551] (Spring 1878) * It is solemn to remember that Vastness — <br> Is but the [[Shadow]] of the [[Brain]] which casts it — <br> All things swept sole away <br> This — is immensity — ** [[Emily Dickinson]], in a letter to Thomas Wentworth Higginson [L551] (1881) * If there is a supreme being, he's crazy. ** [[Marlene Dietrich]], as quoted in ''Rave'' magazine (November 1986) * God used [[beautiful]] [[mathematics]] in creating the [[world]]. ** [[Paul Dirac]], as quoted in ''The Cosmic Code : Quantum Physics As The Language Of Nature'' (1982) by Heinz R. Pagels, p. 295; also in ''Paul Adrien Maurice Dirac : Reminiscences about a Great Physicist'' (1990) edited by Behram N. Kursunoglu and Eugene Paul Wigner, p. xv * One could perhaps describe the situation by saying that God is a mathematician of a very high order, and He used very advanced mathematics in constructing the universe. ** [[Paul Dirac]], [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/102000602?q=dirac&p=par WOL] * Clearly, the [[w:Bible|Scripture]] tells us that we lack the capacity to grasp God's infinite mind or the way He intervenes in our lives. How arrogant of us to think otherwise! Trying to analyze His omnipotence is like an amoeba attempting to comprehend the behavior of man. ** [[James Dobson]] in: Bill Bradfield ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=vKG3cPCQmvMC&pg=PA33 On Reading the Bible: Thoughts and Reflections of Over 500 Men and Women, from St. Augustine to Oprah Winfrey ]'', Courier Dover Publications, Jul 12, 2012. * To be simple we must desire to remain in the image of God. We must not be so complex that we make God into our image! ** [[Catherine Doherty]], ''Unfinished Pilgrimage'' (Combermere, Ontario: Madonna House Publications, 1995), p. 12. * [[Charles Hartshorne]]... informed me that my theological standpoint is [[w:Socinianism|Socinian]]. ...The main tenet of the Socinian heresy is that God is neither omniscient nor omnipotent. He learns and grows as the universe unfolds. ...I ...find it congenial, and consistent with scientific common sense. I do not make any clear distinction between mind and God. ...We are the chief inlets of God on this planet at the present stage... We may later grow with him as he grows, or we may be left behind. ...If we are left behind, it is an end. If we keep on growing, it is a beginning. ** [[Freeman Dyson]], ''Infinite in All Directions'' (1988) * '''I do not make any clear distinction between [[mind]] and God. God is what mind becomes when it has passed beyond the scale of our comprehension.''' God may be either a world-soul or a collection of world-souls. So I am thinking that atoms and humans and God may have minds that differ in degree but not in kind. '''We stand, in a manner of [[speaking]], midway between the [[Chance|unpredictability]] of [[atoms]] and the [[Mystery|unpredictability]] of God.''' Atoms are small pieces of our mental apparatus, and we are small pieces of God's mental apparatus. Our minds may receive inputs equally from atoms and from God. This view of our place in the cosmos may not be true, but it is compatible with the active nature of atoms as revealed in the experiments of modern physics. '''I don't say that this personal theology is supported or proved by scientific evidence. I only say that it is consistent with scientific evidence.''' ** [[Freeman Dyson]], in "[http://www.edge.org/documents/archive/edge68.html Progress In Religion : A Talk By Freeman Dyson]", his acceptance speech for the [[w:Templeton Prize|Templeton Prize]], Washington National Cathedral (9 May 2000) * I do not claim any ability to read God's mind. I am sure of only one thing. '''When we look at the [[glory]] of [[stars]] and [[galaxies]] in the [[sky]] and the glory of forests and flowers in the living world around us, it is evident that God loves [[diversity]]. '''Perhaps the universe is constructed according to a principle of maximum diversity. ** [[Freeman Dyson]], in "Progress In Religion : A Talk By Freeman Dyson" (9 May 2000) == E == [[File:Albert_Einstein_photo_1921.jpg|thumb|Subtle is the Lord, but malicious He is not. ~ [[Albert Einstein]] ]] [[File:Einstein gyro gravity probe b.jpg|thumb|The God [[Spinoza]] revered is my God, too: I meet Him everyday in the [[harmonious]] [[laws]] which govern the [[universe]]. ~ [[Albert Einstein]] ]] [[File:The Earth seen from Apollo 17.jpg|thumb|God created men to enjoy, not destroy, the fruits of the earth and of their own toil. ~ [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]] ]] [[File:RWEmerson.jpg|thumb|The purpose of life seems to be to acquaint a man with himself. He is not to live the future as described to him but to live the real future to the real present. The highest revelation is that God is in every man. ~ [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]]]] * We are all meant to be mothers of God, for God is always needing to be born. ** [[Meister Eckhart]], as quoted in ''Christianity'' (1995) by Joe Jenkins, p. 27 * Where the human being in obedience goes out from his “I” and dismisses what is his own, God must necessarily enter in precisely there; for when someone does not will anything for himself, God must will for that person in the same way as He wills for himself. ** [[Meister Eckhart]], ''Sermons'', in J. Hackett, ''A Companion to Meister Eckhart'' *When man humbles himself, God cannot restrain His mercy; He must come down and pour His grace into the humble man, and He gives Himself most of all, and all at once, to the least of all. It is essential to God to give, for His essence is His goodness and His goodness is His love. Love is the root of all joy and sorrow. Slavish fear of God is to be put away. The right fear is the fear of losing God. If the earth flee downward from heaven, it finds heaven beneath it; if it flee upward, it comes again to heaven. The earth cannot flee from heaven: whether it flee up or down, the heaven rains its influence upon it, and stamps its impress upon it, and makes it fruitful, whether it be willing or not. Thus doth God with men: whoever thinketh to escape Him, flies into His bosom, for every corner is open to Him. God brings forth His Son in thee, whether thou likest it or not, whether thou sleepest or wakest; God worketh His own will. That man is unaware of it, is man's fault, for his taste is so spoilt by feeding on earthly things that he cannot relish God's love. If we had love to God, we should relish God, and all His works; we should receive all things from God, and work the same works as He worketh. **[[Meister Eckhart]], [[Meister_Eckhart#Meister_Eckhart’s_Sermons_(1909)|Sermon III, "The Angel's Greeting"]] (1909) * '''If God is as real as the shadow of the Great War on Armistice Day, need we seek further reason for making a place for God''' in our thoughts and lives? '''We shall not be concerned if the scientific explorer''' reports that he '''is perfectly satisfied''' that he has got to the bottom of things '''without having come across either.''' ** [[Arthur Eddington]], ''Science and the Unseen World'' (1929) * If we pray to God as a corporeal person, this will prevent us from relinquishing the human doubts and fears which attend such a belief, and so we cannot grasp the wonders wrought by infinite, incorporeal Love, to whom all things are possible. ** [[w:Mary Baker Eddy|Mary Baker Eddy]], in ''Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures'' * Nature is what we know. We do not know the gods of religions. And nature is not kind, or merciful, or loving. If God made me — the fabled God of the three qualities of which I spoke: mercy, kindness, love — He also made the fish I catch and eat. And where do His mercy, kindness, and love for that fish come in? No; nature made us — nature did it all — not the gods of the religions ** [[Thomas Edison]], ""No Immortality of the Soul" says Thomas A. Edison. In Fact, He Doesn't Believe There Is a Soul — Human Beings Only an Aggregate of Cells and the Brain Only a Wonderful Machine, Says Wizard of Electricity". New York Times. October 2, 1910 * I do not believe in the God of the theologians; but that there is a Supreme Intelligence I do not doubt. ** [[Thomas Edison]], The Freethinker (1970), G.W. Foote & Company, Volume 90, p. 147 * I see only with deep regret that God punishes so many of His children for their numerous stupidities, for which only He Himself can be held responsible; in my opinion, only His nonexistence could excuse Him. ** [[Albert Einstein]], letter to Edgar Meyer (2 January 1915) * ''Raffiniert ist der Herrgott, aber boshaft ist er nicht.'' ** '''Subtle is the Lord, but malicious He is not.''' ** Remark made during Einstein's first visit to Princeton University (April 1921) as quoted in ''Einstein'' (1973) by R. W. Clark, Ch. 14. "God is slick, but he ain't mean" is a variant translation of this (1946) Unsourced variant: "God is subtle but he is not malicious." ** When asked what he meant by this he replied. "Nature hides her secret because of her essential loftiness, but not by means of ruse." (''Die Natur verbirgt ihr Geheimnis durch die Erhabenheit ihres Wesens, aber nicht durch List.'') As quoted in ''Subtle is the Lord — The Science and the Life of Albert Einstein'' (1982) by Abraham Pais <!-- Clarendon Press, Oxford, and Oxford University Press, New York --> [http://www.einsteinandreligion.com/faith.html einsteinandreligion.com] *** Originally said to Princeton University mathematics professor Oscar Veblen, May 1921, while Einstein was in Princeton for a series of lectures, upon hearing that an experimental result by Dayton C. Miller of Cleveland, if true, would contradict his theory of gravitation. But the claimed discrepancy was quite small and required special circumstances (hence Einsteins's remark). The result turned out to be false. Some say by this remark Einstein meant that Nature hides her secrets by being subtle, while others say he meant that nature is mischievous but not bent on trickery. [The Yale Book of Quotations, ed. Fred R. Shapiro, 2006] ** Variant translation: God may be sophisticated, but he's not malicious. *** As quoted in ''Cherished Illusions'' (2005) by Sarah Stern, p. 109 ** '''I have second thoughts. Maybe God ''is'' malicious'''. ** Said to [[wikipedia: Valentine Bargmann|Valentine Bargmann]], as quoted in ''Einstein in America'' (1985) by Jamie Sayen, p. 51, indicating that God leads people to believe they understand things that they actually are far from understanding; also in ''The Yale Book of Quotations'' (2006), ed. Fred R. Shapiro * '''The God [[Spinoza]] revered is my God, too: I meet Him everyday in the harmonious laws which govern the universe.''' My religion is cosmic, and my God is too universal to concern himself with the intentions of every human being. '''I do not accept a religion of fear; My God will not hold me responsible for the actions that [[necessity]] imposes.''' My God speaks to me through laws. ** [[Albert Einstein]], in an interview (1948), quoted in ''Einstein and the Poet : In Search of the Cosmic Man'' (1983) by William Hermanns, p. 59 * About God, I cannot accept any concept based on the authority of the Church. As long as I can remember, I have resented mass indoctrination. I do not believe in the fear of life, in the fear of death, in blind faith. I cannot prove to you that there is no [[personal God]], but if I were to speak of him, I would be a liar. '''I do not believe in the God of theology who rewards good and punishes evil. My God created laws that take care of that. His universe is not ruled by wishful thinking, but by immutable laws.''' ** [[Albert Einstein]], in an interview (1948), quoted in ''Einstein and the Poet : In Search of the Cosmic Man'' (1983) by William Hermanns, p. 132 * '''My position concerning God is that of an [[agnostic]].''' I am convinced that a vivid consciousness of the primary importance of moral principles for the betterment and ennoblement of life does not need the idea of a law-giver, especially a law-giver who works on the basis of reward and punishment. ** [[Albert Einstein]], letter to M. Berkowitz (25 October 1950) * '''What I see in nature is a magnificent structure that we can comprehend only very imperfectly, and that must fill a thinking person with a feeling of ‘[[humility]].’ '''This is a genuinely religious feeling that has nothing to do with mysticism. . . . My religiosity consists in a humble admiration of the infinitely superior spirit that reveals itself in the little that we, with our weak and transitory understanding, can comprehend of reality. . . . I want to know how God created this world. I want to know his thoughts, the rest are details. ** [[Albert Einstein]], as quoted by [[Timothy Ferris]], in his article “The Other Einstein”, ''[[w:Awake!|Awake!]]'' magazine, (22 January 1992) * These proposals spring, without ulterior purpose or political passion, from our calm conviction that the hunger for peace is in the hearts of all peoples--those of Russia and of China no less than of our own country. They conform to our firm faith that '''God created men to enjoy, not destroy, the fruits of the earth and of their own toil.''' ** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]] in his [[s:The Chance for Peace|The Chance for Peace]] speech shortly after taking office and following the death of [[Joseph Stalin]] *Posing the question: does the god of love use underarm deodorant, vaginal spray and fluoride toothpaste? **Deathbird Stories, by [[Harlan Ellison]] [https://books.google.com/books?isbn=149760477X] * It is not by accident that the enormous popularity of the “death of God” was born in our world of images: the impossibility of representing God visually leads inevitably in our day to the impossibility of his existence. God is dead—but beyond all the explicit reasons generally offered, he is dead because he is not visible. We can have confidence only in a visible God who is clearly manifested, exclusively in the visual dimension. ** [[Jacques Ellul]], ''The Humiliation of the Word'' (1981), J. Hanks, trans. (1985), p. 198 * Throughout the Old Testament we see God choosing what is weak and humble to represent him (the stammering Moses, the infant Samuel, Saul from an insignificant family, David confronting Goliath, etc.). Paul tells us that God chooses the weak things of the world to confound the mighty. Here, however, we have a striking contradiction. In [[Constantine the Great|Constantine]] God is supposedly choosing an Augustus, a triumphant military leader. This vision and this miracle are totally impossible. But they are not impossible in the context of Christianity that is already off the rails, that thinks of God as the one who directs history and is the motive power in politics. ** [[Jacques Ellul]], ''The Subversion of Christianity'' (1982), G. Bromiley, trans. (1986), p. 123 * When we consider what is our thought of God we find that it is our own soul stripped of all inferiority and carried out to perfection. ** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], Sermon 86 (1830), ''The Complete Sermons of Ralph Waldo Emerson'', Volume 2 (1990), p. 243 * By going much alone a man will get more of a noble courage in thought and word than from all the wisdom that is in books. He will come to hear God speak as audibly through his own lips as ever He did by the mouth of Moses or Isaiah or Milton. ** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], Journal Entry, October 21, 1833 * '''The purpose of life seems to be to acquaint a man with himself. He is not to live the future as described to him but to live the real future to the real present. The highest revelation is that God is in every man.''' ** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''Journals'' (1822–1863), 8 September 1833. As quoted in: Maurice York and Rick Spaulding (2008): ''[https://books.google.de/books?id=_pRMlDQavQwC&pg=PA240&dq=A+man+contains+all+that+is+needful+to+his+government+within+himself&hl=de&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiahO73qqfeAhUwpIsKHRqzDswQ6AEIQDAD#v=onepage&q=A%20man%20contains%20all%20that%20is%20needful%20to%20his%20government%20within%20himself&f=false Ralph Waldo Emerson – The Infinitude of the Private Man: A Biography.]'' Chicago and Raleigh: Wrighwood Press, pages 240 – 241. Derived from: Edward Waldo Emerson and Waldo Emerson Forbes (1909): ''Journals of Ralph Waldo Emerson, with annotations'', III, pages 200-201. * Man thinking must not be subdued by his instruments. Books are for the scholar’s idle times. When he can read God directly, the hour is too precious to be wasted in other men’s transcripts of their readings. ** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], “The American Scholar,” Addresses and Lectures, Complete Works (1883), vol. 1, p. 92 * In calling his two sons by the names of Gershom and Eliezer, Moses, like Joseph and other righteous men, intended to have the fact of God's help constantly before him. Since his sons would be with him, and he would often address them or call them by name, he would remember his gratitude to God. ** ''{{w|Exodus Rabbah}} 1'', ''[http://www.sacred-texts.com/jud/tmm/tmm07.htm Tales and Maxims from the Midrash]'' by Rev. Samuel Rapaport, (1907), p. 89 * There is no place without God's presence. Even in the bush He was present, and this was the lesson of God's omnipresence that Moses learnt when he was called out of the bush. ** ''{{w|Exodus Rabbah}} 2'', ''[http://www.sacred-texts.com/jud/tmm/tmm07.htm Tales and Maxims from the Midrash]'' by Rev. Samuel Rapaport, (1907), p. 91 * Moses wanted to know God's name, and God tells him, 'I am that I am'; that is to say, 'I am called--or to be called-in accordance with my work in this world.' When I judge mankind I am אלהים Elohim, that being the title or designation for judgment. When I war with the wicked I am known as צבאות Zevooth. When I execute judgment for the sins of man I am known as אלשדי El Shadai, and when I am visiting the world with mercy I am אבני or יהוה Adonoi, the Eternal. ** ''{{w|Exodus Rabbah}} 3'', ''[http://www.sacred-texts.com/jud/tmm/tmm07.htm Tales and Maxims from the Midrash]'' by Rev. Samuel Rapaport, (1907), p. 91 * The matron whom we find so often arguing with Rabbi José observed one day to that sage, 'My god is surely greater than yours. When your God appeared to Moses in the bush, Moses merely covered his face, whilst when my god (the serpent) made its appearance he could not stand his ground at all, but had to run away out of fear.' 'Not so, 'returned the Rabbi, 'for in order to be out of the power of your god it sufficed for Moses to step a few paces back, but whither could he have fled from the presence of Him who filleth the earth?' ** ''{{w|Exodus Rabbah}} 3'', ''[http://www.sacred-texts.com/jud/tmm/tmm07.htm Tales and Maxims from the Midrash]'' by Rev. Samuel Rapaport, (1907), p. 92 * I am the first and I am the last, and beside Me there is no God' (Isa. 43. 6) I am the first, I have no father; I am the last, I have no brother. Beside Me there is no God; I have no son. ** ''{{w|Exodus Rabbah}} 29'', ''[http://www.sacred-texts.com/jud/tmm/tmm07.htm Tales and Maxims from the Midrash]'' by Rev. Samuel Rapaport, (1907), p. 103 * When God first called Moses, not being then an expert prophet, he was addressed in a voice similar to that of his own father, and he thought that his father had come to him from Egypt. God then told him that it was not his earthly father who called him, but the God of his father. Then, we find, Moses hid his face, which he did not do when first called by his name; not in fact until he heard the words, 'I am the God of thy fathers.' ** ''{{w|Exodus Rabbah}} 45'', ''[http://www.sacred-texts.com/jud/tmm/tmm07.htm Tales and Maxims from the Midrash]'' by Rev. Samuel Rapaport, (1907), p. 108 == F == * The Church in the colonies is the white people’s Church. ... She does not call the native to God’s ways but to the ways of the white man, of the master, of the oppressor. ** [[Frantz Fanon]], ''The Wretched of The Earth'' (1963), p. 42 * God is for man the [[commonplace book]] where he registers his highest feelings and thoughts, the genealogical album into which he enters the names of the things most dear and sacred to him. ** [[Ludwig Feuerbach]], in ''The Essence of Christianity'' (1843), p. xvi * By positing God as unknowable, man excuses himself to what is still left of his religious conscience for his oblivion of God, his surrender to the world. He negates God in practice – his mind and his senses have been absorbed by the world – but he does not negate him in theory. He does not attack his existence; he leaves it intact. But this existence neither affects nor incommodes him, for it is only a negative existence, an existence without existence; it is an existence that contradicts itself – a being that, in view of its effects, is indistinguishable from non-being. ** [[Ludwig Feuerbach]], ''The Essence of Christianity'' (1843), Z. Hanfi, trans., in ''The Fiery Brook'' (1972), p. 112 * When the claims of God are revealed to the mind, it must necessarily yield to them, or strengthen itself in sin. It must, as it were, gird itself up, and struggle to resist the claims of duty. This strengthening self in sin under light is the particular form of sin which we call impenitence. ** [[Charles Grandison Finney]], ''Lectures on Systematic Theology'' (1878), p. 369 * '''There is only one good definition of God: the freedom that allows other freedoms to exist.''' ** [[John Fowles]], ''[[w:The French Lieutenant's Woman|The French Lieutenant's Woman]]'' (London: Jonathan Cape, 1969), p. 99 * '''I [[believe]] in God, not in a Catholic God, there is no Catholic God, there is God and I believe in [[Jesus]] [[Christ]], his incarnation.''' Jesus is my [[teacher]] and my pastor, but God, the Father, [[w:Ab (Semitic)|Abba]], is the [[light]] and the Creator. '''This is my Being.''' ** [[Pope Francis]], interviewed in "How the Church will change" by Eugenio Scalfari in ''La Repubblica'' (1 October 2013), as translated from Italian to English by Kathryn Wallace * I have lived, Sir, a long time, and the longer I live, the more convincing proofs I see of this truth—that God governs in the affairs of men. And if a sparrow cannot fall to the ground without his notice, is it probable that an empire can rise without his aid? ** [[Benjamin Franklin]], debates in the Constitutional Convention, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (June 28, 1787); reported in James Madison, ''Journal of the Federal Convention'', ed. E. H. Scott (1893), p. 259–60. Franklin suggests that the Convention begin its sessions with prayers "imploring the assistance of Heaven, and its blessings on our deliberations". == G == [[File:Gandhi smiling 1942.jpg |thumb|It is beyond my power to induce in you a belief in God. There are certain things which are self proved and certain which are not proved at all. ~ [[Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi|Mahatma Gandhi]] ]] [[File:Goyathlay-x.jpeg|thumb|I cannot think we are useless or Usen would not have created us. He created all tribes of men and certainly had a righteous purpose in creating each. ~ [[Geronimo]] ]] * I looked and looked but I didn't see God. ** Attributed to [[Yuri Gagarin]] after becoming the first person to orbit the Earth, as quoted in ''To Rise from Earth'' (1996) by Wayne Lee; the authenticity of this remark is disputed; [http://www.interfax-religion.ru/orthodoxy/?act=interview&div=73&domain=1 Colonel Valentin Petrov stated in 2006] that the cosmonaut never said such words, and that the quote originated from [[Nikita Khrushchev]]'s speech at the plenum of the Central Committee of the CPSU about the state's anti-religion campaign, saying "Gagarin flew into space, but didn't see any god there." ** Sometimes misquoted as "I see no God up here" as if he said this in space, but there are no transcripts or recordings indicating that he ever did. * '''I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with senses, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use and by some other means to give us knowledge which we can attain by them.''' ** [[Galileo Galilei]]. in his [[w:Letter to the Grand Duchess Christina|Letter to the Grand Duchess Christina]] (1615), an [http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/mod/galileo-tuscany.html essay published in 1615], in response to enquiries of [[w:Christina of Lorraine|Christina of Tuscany]], as quoted in ''Aspects of Western Civilization : Problems and Sources in History'' (1988) by Perry McAdow Rogers, p. 53 ** Variant translation: '''I do not think it is necessary to believe that the same God who has given us our senses, reason, and intelligence wished us to abandon their use, giving us by some other means the information that we could gain through them.''' * Mathematics is the language in which God wrote the universe. ** Attributed to [[Galileo Galilei]] in ''Statistics: Concepts and Applications'' (1994) by Harry Frank and Steven C. Althoen, p. xxi * '''It is beyond my power to induce in you a belief in God. There are certain things which are self proved and certain which are not proved at all.''' The existence of God is like a geometrical axiom. It may be beyond our heart grasp. I shall not talk of an intellectual grasp. Intellectual attempts are more or less failures, as a rational explanation cannot give you the faith in a living God. For it is a thing beyond the grasp of reason. It transcends reason. There are numerous phenomena from which you can reason out the existence of God, but I shall not insult your intelligence by offering you a rational explanation of that type. '''I would have you brush aside all rational explanations and begin with a simple childlike faith in God. If I exist, God exists. With me it is a necessity of my being as it is with millions. They may not be able to talk about it, but from their life you can see that it is a part of their life. I am only asking you to restore the belief that has been undermined.''' In order to do so, you have to unlearn a lot of literature that dazzles your intelligence and throws you off your feet. Start with the faith which is also a token of humility and an admission that we know nothing, that we are less than atoms in this universe. '''We are less than atoms, I say, because the atom obeys the law of its being, whereas we in the insolence of our ignorance deny the law of nature. But I have no argument to address to those who have no faith.''' ** [[Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi]] in ''Young India'' (24 September 1931); also in [http://www.archive.org/details/teachingsofmahat029222mbp ''Teachings Of Mahatma Gandhi'' (1945), edited by Jag Parvesh Chander, p. 458] * People are even more reluctant to admit that man explains nothing, than they were to admit that God explains nothing. ** [[Ernest Gellner]], ''Legitimation of Belief'' (1974), p. 99 * '''I cannot think we are useless or Usen would not have created us. He created all tribes of men and certainly had a righteous purpose in creating each.''' ** [[Geronimo]], as quoted in ''Geronimo's Story of His Life'' (1907) as told to S.M. Barrett in 1905 and 1906, "Usen" is the Apache word for God. * If we desire to hold on to solidarity with everyone else in the communicative fellowship, even the dead ... then we must claim a reality that can reach beyond the here and now, or that can connect our selves beyond our own death with those who innocently went to their destruction before us. And it is this reality that the Christian tradition calls God. ** Jens Glebe-Möller, ''A Political Dogmatic'' (1987), p. 102 * We all of us try to make God in our image. It is one of the worst of our temptations. ** [[Elizabeth Goudge]], ''The Bird in the Tree'' (1940), Chapter 6.3 * Either half my colleagues are enormously stupid, or else the science of Darwinism is fully compatible with conventional religious beliefs. ** [[Stephen Jay Gould]], in "Impeaching a Self-Appointed Judge" in ''Scientific American'' (July 1992) * '''God is within you''', and you can do and have anything you want. '''You must [[love]] yourself more. … and then … you can love your fellow man.''' ** [[Cary Grant]], as quoted in [http://www.carygrant.net/articles/thinks%20about.htm "Love – That’s All Cary Grant Ever Thinks About"] by [[w:Sheilah Graham Westbrook|Sheilah Graham Westbrook]] in ''Motion Picture'' (June 1964) * The love of gain, which is a large, incalculably large, element in every soul, when once applied to the desire for God, will [[bless]] the man who has it. ** [[Gregory of Nyssa]], ''On Virginity'', Chapter 18 * In vain do they think themselves innocent who appropriate to their own use alone those goods which God gave in common; by not giving to others that which they themselves receive, they become homicides and murderers, inasmuch as in keeping for themselves those things which would alleviate the sufferings of the poor, we may say that every day they cause the death of as many persons as they might have fed and did not. When, therefore, we offer the means of living to the indigent, we do not give them anything of ours, but that which of right belongs to them. It is less a work of mercy which we perform than the payment of a debt. ** [[Gregory I]], quoted in [[George D. Herron]], ''Between Caesar and Jesus'' (1899), pp. 111-112 *As one reads the scriptures of Christianity and Islam with a morally alert mind, one starts getting sick of the very sound of word ‘god’ which word is littered all over this literature like dead leaves in autumn. The deeds which are ascribed to or approved of by this God are quite often so cruel and obnoxious as to leave one wondering that if these are the doings of the Divine, what else is there which is left for the Devil to do. **[[w:Sita Ram Goel|Sita Ram Goel]], ''Defence of Hindu Society'' (1983) == H == [[File:Stamps of Germany (DDR) 1970, MiNr 1539.jpg|thumb|right|The objects of [[philosophy]], it is true, are upon the whole the same as those of religion. In both the object is Truth, in that supreme [[sense]] in which God and God only is the [[Truth]]. ~ [[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel]]]] [[File:Legendre - La Prophétie d'Isaïe.JPG|thumb|The prophet disdains those for whom God's presence is a comfort and security; to him it is a challenge, an incessant demand. ~ [[Abraham Joshua Heschel]]]] [[File:AdornoHorkheimerHabermasbyJeremyJShapiro2.png|thumb|right|The concept of God was for a long time the place where the idea was kept alive that there are other norms besides those to which nature and society give expression in their operation. ~ [[Max Horkheimer]]]] * Give according to your means, or God will make your means according to your giving. ** Reverend [[John Hall (Presbyterian pastor)|John Hall]], reported in [[Tryon Edwards]], ''A Dictionary of Thoughts'' (1908), p. 194 * Maybe God isn't the sex police, Richard. Sometimes I think Christians get all hung up on the sex thing because it's easier to worry about sex than to ask yourself, ''am I a good person?'' ''[…]'' It makes it easy to be cruel, because as long as you're not fucking around, nothing you do can be that bad. Is that really all you think of God? ** [[w:Anita Blake|Anita Blake]], to [[w:Richard_Zeeman|Richard Zeeman]] ** {{cite book | author = [[Laurell K. Hamilton]] | title = The Harlequin | edition = 1st edition | date = June 2007 | publisher = Berkley Books | id = {{ISBN|978-0-425-21724-5}} | chapter = chapter 44 | pages = pp. 391-392 }} * No matter how much I probe and prod,<br/>&nbsp;&nbsp;I cannot quite believe in God;<br/>But oh, I hope to God that He<br/>&nbsp;&nbsp;Unswervingly believes in me. ** [[Yip Harburg]], ''Rhymes for the Irreverent'', (1965) * To the extent that we are free we are like God, who has no need of an idea of a God over [[w:Godself|Godself]] or of an incentive other than the moral law itself. But to the extent that we are also natural beings, we desire our own happiness in everything else that we desire, and we need the practical postulate of God to bring that happiness together with morality. ** [[John E. Hare]], “Ethics and Religion: Two Kantian Arguments,” ''Philosophical Investigations'', vol. 34, no. 2 (April 2011), p. 165 * You either have a God who sends child rapists to rape children or you have a God who simply watches it and says, ‘When you’re done, I’m going to punish you.’ If I could stop a person from raping a child, I would. That’s the difference between me and your God. ** [[w:Tracie Harris|Tracie Harris]], [[w:The Atheist Experience|The Atheist Experience]] ''YouTube'' Jan 6 2013 as quoted in [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/08/atheist-experience-child-rape_n_2434198.html ''Atheist Experience Child Rape'' Huffington Post] * Futurist [[w:Aldo Palazzeschi|Aldo Palazzeschi]]... exhorts us in ''L'antidolore'' (1913) to laugh heartily at the mortality built into the plan of creation not out of spite, as has traditionally been the case, but because suffering and death are nothing but pranks of the prime trickster, God. If anything it is the devil who is the spirit of gravity, and it is in taking him seriously that we plummet from grace. ** [http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3806/is_200605/ai_n17220907/print Thomas Harrison, in "Laughter and the Tree Of Knowledge" in the ''Romanic Review'' (May-November 2006)] * The objects of philosophy, it is true, are upon the whole the same as those of religion. In both the object is Truth, in that supreme sense in which God and God only is the Truth. ** [[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel]], ''Logic'', Chapter 1 * I've never understood how God could expect his creatures to pick the one true religion by faith — it strikes me as a sloppy way to run a universe. ** [[Robert A. Heinlein]], in ''[[Stranger in a Strange Land]]'' (1961) * God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent — it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks, please. Cash and in small bills. ** [[Robert A. Heinlein]], in ''[[w:Time Enough for Love|Time Enough for Love]]'' (1973), p. 264 * The most preposterous notion that H. sapiens has ever dreamed up is that the Lord God of Creation, Shaper and Ruler of all the Universes, wants the saccharine adoration of His creatures, can be swayed by their prayers, and becomes petulant if He does not receive this flattery. Yet this absurd fantasy, without a shred of evidence to bolster it, pays all the expenses of the oldest, largest, and least productive industry in all history.<br>The second most preposterous notion is that copulation is inherently sinful. ** [[Robert A. Heinlein]], in ''[[w:Time Enough for Love|Time Enough for Love]]'' (1973), p. 266 * How much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in his divine system of creation? ** [[Joseph Heller]], ''Catch 22'' * Restore to God His due in tithe and time;<br>A tithe purloin'd cankers the whole estate. ** [[George Herbert]], ''The Temple'' (1633), ''The Church Porch'', Stanza 65 * The prophet disdains those for whom God's presence is a comfort and security; to him it is a challenge, an incessant demand. ** [[Abraham Joshua Heschel]], ''The Prophets'' (1962), p. 16 * Religious ideas, supposedly private matters between man and god, are in practice always political ideas. ** [[Christopher Hitchens]], ''The Monarchy: A Critique of Britain's Favourite Fetish'' (1990), ''Chatto Counterblasts'' * Only a humorless tyrant could want a perpetual chanting of praises that, one has no choice but to assume, would be the innate virtues and splendors furnished him by ''his'' creator, infinite regression, drowned in praise! ** [[Christopher Hitchens]], ''Letters to a Young Contrarian'' (2001) * Consciousness is Gods' gift to mankind. ** Dr. [[w:Albert Hofmann|Albert Hofmann]] discoverer of [[LSD]] (15 January 2006) * God only speaks to those who understand the language ** Dr. [[w:Albert Hofmann|Albert Hofmann]], (15 January 2006) * The concept of God was for a long time the place where the idea was kept alive that there are other norms besides those to which nature and society give expression in their operation. ** [[Max Horkheimer]], "Thoughts on Religion," ''Critical Theory: Selected Essays'' (1995), p. 129 * The significance of God, cause, number, substance or soul consists, as [[William James|James]] asserts, in nothing but the tendency of the given concept to make us act or think. If the world should reach a point at which it ceases to care not only about such metaphysical entities but also about murders perpetrated behind closed frontiers or simply in the dark, one would have to conclude that the concepts of such murders have no meaning, that they represent no ‘distinct ideas’ or truths, since they do not make any ‘sensible difference to anybody.’ ** [[Max Horkheimer]], ''Eclipse of Reason'' (1947), pp. 46-47 * Nothing could be more untrue than the often-repeated statement that we all worship the same God; or that other, that whatever we worship the result is the same. ** [[w:Caryll Houselander|Caryll Houselander]], ''The Reed of God'' (London: Sheed & Ward, 1944), p. 85 * The Savage interrupted him. "But isn't it natural to feel there's a God?" <br> "You might as well ask if it's natural to do up one's trousers with zippers," said the Controller sarcastically. "You remind me of another of those old fellows called Bradley. He defined philosophy as the finding of bad reason for what one believes by instinct. As if one believed anything by instinct! One believes things because one has been conditioned to believe them. Finding bad reasons for what one believes for other bad reasons–that's philosophy. People believe in God because they've been conditioned to. <br> "But all the same," insisted the Savage, "it is natural to believe in God when you're alone–quite alone, in the night, thinking about death …" <br> "But people never are alone now," said Mustapha Mond. "We make them hate solitude; and we arrange their lives so that it's almost impossible for them ever to have it." ** [[Aldous Huxley]], [[Brave New World]] ch. 17 [http://www.huxley.net/bnw/seventeen.html] * Why did it occur to anyone to believe in only one God? And conversely why did it ever occur to anyone to believe in many gods? To both these questions we must return the same answer: Because that is how the human mind happens to work. For the human mind is both diverse and simple, simultaneously many and one. We have an immediate perception of our own diversity and of that of the outside world. And at the same time we have immediate perceptions of our own oneness. ** [[Aldous Huxley]], “One and Many,” ''Do What You Will'' (1928), p. 12 == I == * Would God give a bird wings and make it a crime to fly? Would he give me brains and make it a crime to think? Any God that would damn one of his children for the expression of his honest thought wouldn't make a decent thief. When I read a book and don't believe it, I ought to say so. I will do so and take the consequences like a man. ** [[Robert Ingersoll]] (14 October 1879) * '''God is dead. [[Karl Marx|Marx]] is dead. And I don’t feel so well myself.''' ** [[Eugène Ionesco]], as quoted in ''Jewish American Literature : A Norton Anthology'' (2000) by Jules Chametzky, "Jewish Humor", p. 318 == J == [[File:Polyptyque de la Vanité terrestre et de la Rédemption céleste-Hans Memling mg 9959.jpg|thumb|I have said, Ye are gods; and all of you are children of the most High. ~ [[Jesus]] ]] [[File:Brueghel Jan II God creating.jpg|thumb|The God who gave us life, gave us liberty at the same time. ~ [[Thomas Jefferson]] ]] [[File:Dieu Tout-Puissant Chapelle Royale Versailles ceiling.jpg|thumb|It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no god. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg. ~ [[Thomas Jefferson]] ]] [[File:Sabaoth icon (Russia, 19 c.) 2.jpeg|thumb|Question with boldness even the existence of a god; because, if there be one, he must more approve the homage of reason, than that of blindfolded fear. ~ [[Thomas Jefferson]] ]] *The theory of an existing and benevolent god simply doesn't make sense to anyone who is rational. A benevolent and omnipotent god would never allow such imbalances as I see to exist for one second. If by chance I am wrong, however I must then assume that being born black called for some automatic punishment for sins I know nothing about, and being innocent it behooves me to defy god. **George Jackson, Soledad Brother: The Prison Letters of George Jackson * God's on your side? Shit, I'm alright with that. Because we're going to reload the clips and come right back. **[[50 Cent|Curtis J. Jackson]], [http://genius.com/50-cent-heat-lyrics/ "Heat"] (2003), ''Get Rich or Die Tryin''' (2003), by C.J. Jackson III. * '''The God who gave us [[life]], gave us [[liberty]] at the same time.''' ** [[Thomas Jefferson]], [[s:A Summary View of the Rights of British America|Summary View of the Rights of British America]] (1774) * It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no god. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg. ** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Query 17 in ''Notes on the State of Virginia'' (1781-1785) * Can the liberties of a nation be thought secure when we have removed their only firm basis, a conviction in the minds of the people that these liberties are a gift of God? Indeed I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just; that His justice cannot sleep forever. ** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Query 18 in ''Notes on the State of Virginia'' (1781-1785) *''' Question with boldness even the existence of a god; because, if there be one, he must more approve the homage of [[reason]], than that of blindfolded [[fear]].''' ** [[Thomas Jefferson]], in a letter to his nephew Peter Carr from Paris, France, (10 August 1787) * No historical fact is better established, than that the doctrine of one God, pure and uncompounded, was that of the early ages of Christianity … Nor was the unity of the Supreme Being ousted from the Christian creed by the force of reason, but by the sword of civil government, wielded at the will of the fanatic [[w:Athanasius|Athanasius]]. ** [[Thomas Jefferson]], in a letter to James Smith (1822) * The doctrines of [[Jesus]] are simple, and tend all to the happiness of man. : 1. That there is one only God, and he all perfect. : 2. That there is a future state of rewards and punishments. : 3. That to [[love]] God with all thy heart and thy neighbor as thyself, is the sum of [[religion]]. ::* [[Thomas Jefferson]], in a letter to Benjamin Waterhouse, (26 June 1822) '''*I have said, Ye are gods; and all of you are children of the most High.''' **[[Jesus]] quoted in [[Psalms]] 82:6 * Some foolish men declare that creator made the world. The doctrine that the world was created is ill advised and should be rejected. If God created the world, where was he before the creation? If you say he was transcendent then and needed no support, where is he now? How could God have made this world without any raw material? If you say that he made this first, and then the world, you are faced with an endless regression. If you declare that this raw material arose naturally you fall into another fallacy, For the whole universe might thus have been its own creator, and have arisen quite naturally. If God created the world by an act of his own will, without any raw material, then it is just his will and nothing else — and who will believe this silly nonsense? If he is ever perfect and complete, how could the will to create have arisen in him? If, on the other hand, he is not perfect, he could no more create the universe than a potter could. If he is form-less, action-less and all-embracing, how could he have created the world? Such a soul, devoid of all morality, would have no desire to create anything. If he is perfect, he does not strive for the three aims of man, so what advantage would he gain by creating the universe? If you say that he created to no purpose because it was his nature to do so, then God is pointless. If he created in some kind of sport, it was the sport of a foolish child, leading to trouble. If he created because of the [[karma]] of embodied beings [acquired in a previous creation] He is not the Almighty [[Lord]], but subordinate to something else. If out of love for living beings and need of them he made the world, why did he not take creation wholly blissful free from misfortune? If he were transcendent he would not create, for he would be free: Nor if involved in transmigration, for then he would not be almighty. Thus the doctrine that the world was created by God makes no sense at all, And God commits great sin in slaying the children whom he himself created. If you say that he slays only to destroy evil beings, why did he create such beings in the first place? Good men should combat the believer in divine creation, maddened by an evil doctrine. Know that the world is uncreated, as time itself is, without beginning or end, and is based on the principles, life and rest. Uncreated and indestructible, it endures under the compulsion of its own nature. ** {{w|Jinasena}} (9th Century) in the ''[[w:Mahapurana (Jainism)|Mahāpurāna]]'', as translated in ''Primal Myths'' (1979) by Barbara Sproul * '''The very pure spirit does not bother about the regard of others or human respect, but communes inwardly with God, alone and in solitude as to all forms, and with delightful tranquility, for the knowledge of God is received in divine silence.''' ** St. [[John of the Cross]] in ''The Sayings of Light and Love'' as translated by Kieran Kavanaugh and Otilio Rodriguez (1991) * God is a dark night to man in this life. ** St. [[John of the Cross]], ''The Ascent of Mt. Carmel'', I, 2, 1 * '''[[All]]-thing hath the Being by the [[love]] of God.''' ** [[Julian of Norwich]], ''Revelations of Divine Love'' (c. 1393), Ch. 5 * '''God is all that is [[Goodness|good]], as to my sight, and the goodness that each thing hath, it is He.''' ** [[Julian of Norwich]], ''Revelations of Divine Love'' (c. 1393), Ch. 8 * God willeth that we endlessly hate the sin and endlessly love the soul, as God loveth it. ** [[Julian of Norwich]], ''Revelations of Divine Love'' (c. 1393), Ch. 40 * '''[[Truth]] seeth God, and [[Wisdom]] beholdeth God, and of these two cometh the third: that is, a holy marvellous [[delight]] in God; which is [[Love]]. Where Truth and Wisdom are verily, there is Love verily, coming of them both.''' And all of God’s making: for He is endless sovereign Truth, endless sovereign Wisdom, endless sovereign Love, unmade; and man’s Soul is a creature in God which hath the same properties ''made'', and evermore it doeth that it was made for: it seeth God, it beholdeth God, and it loveth God. Whereof God enjoyeth in the creature; and the creature in God, endlessly marvelling. <br> '''In which marvelling he seeth his God, his Lord, his Maker so high, so great, and so good, in comparison with him that is made, that scarcely the creature seemeth ought to the self. But the clarity and the clearness of Truth and Wisdom maketh him to see and to bear witness that he is made for Love, in which God endlessly keepeth him.''' ** [[Julian of Norwich]], ''Revelations of Divine Love'' (c. 1393), Ch. 44 * '''Highly ought we to rejoice that God dwelleth in our soul, and much more highly ought we to rejoice that our soul dwelleth in God.''' Our soul is ''made'' to be God’s dwelling-place; and the dwelling-place of the soul is God, Which is ''unmade''. And high understanding it is, inwardly to see and know that God, which is our Maker, dwelleth in our soul; and an higher understanding it is, inwardly to see and to know that our soul, that is made, dwelleth in God’s Substance: of which Substance, God, we are that we are. <br> And I saw no difference between God and our Substance: but as it were all God; and yet mine understanding took that our Substance is in God: that is to say, that '''God is God, and our Substance is a creature in God.''' ** [[Julian of Norwich]], ''Revelations of Divine Love'' (''c''.1393), Ch. 54 * '''As truly as God is our [[Father]], so truly is God our [[Mother]].''' ** [[Julian of Norwich]], ''Revelations of Divine Love'' (c.1393), Ch. 59 * I beheld with reverent dread, and highly marvelling in the sight and in the feeling of the sweet accord, that '''our Reason is in God'''; understanding that it is the highest gift that we have received; and it is grounded in [[nature]]. ** [[Julian of Norwich]], ''Revelations of Divine Love'' (''c''.1393), Ch. 83 * I saw full surely that ere God made us He loved us; which love was never slacked, nor ever shall be. And in this love He hath done all His works; and in this love He hath made all things profitable to us; and in this love our life is everlasting. '''In our making we had beginning; but the love wherein He made us was in Him from without beginning: in which love we have our beginning. And all this shall we see in God, without end.''' ** [[Julian of Norwich]], ''Revelations of Divine Love'' (c. 1393), Ch. 86 * A god is usually characteristic of a certain system of thought or morality. For instance, take the Christian God, the ''summum bonum'': God is love, love being the highest moral principle; and God is spirit, the spirit being the supreme idea of meaning. All our Christian moral concepts derive from such assumptions, and the supreme essence of all of them is what we call God. ** [[C. G. Jung]], ''Nietzsche's Zarathustra'' (1988), p. 40 == K == * May His great Name be blessed forever and ever. ** The Kaddish Prayer: A new translation with a commentary anthologized from Talmudic, Midrashic and Rabbinic sources. New York: Mesorah Publications, Ltd., 2001, ISBN 0-89906-160-5, p.7 * '''We actually have a candidate for the [[mind]] of God.''' The mind of God we [[believe]] is cosmic [[music]], the music of [[String theory|strings resonating through 11 dimensional]] [[w:Hyperspace|hyperspace]]. That is the mind of God. ** [[Michio Kaku]], [http://bigthink.com/dr-kakus-universe/math-is-the-mind-of-god Math is the Mind of God] (29 December 2012) * We are to love God, not for the gifts bestowed upon us but for the sake of love itself. ** [[w:Eyran Katsenelenbogen|Eyran Katsenelenbogen]], ''One Time'' (2018) * There are no gods! Just voices in your head. They tell you to do what you already want to do. ** [[w:John Kessel|John Kessel]], ''Events Preceding the Helvetican Renaissance'' (2009) in [[w:Gardner Dozois|Gardner Dozois]] & [[w:Jonathan Strahan|Jonathan Strahan]] (eds.) ''[[w:The New Space Opera 2|The New Space Opera 2]]'' (mass market paperback edition, {{ISBN|978-0-06-156236-5}}), p. 86 * If they are gods, they are responsible for the horror that occurs in the world. So they are evil. Why otherwise would they allow things to be as they are? ** [[w:John Kessel|John Kessel]], ''Events Preceding the Helvetican Renaissance'' (2009) in [[w:Gardner Dozois|Gardner Dozois]] & [[w:Jonathan Strahan|Jonathan Strahan]] (eds.) ''[[w:The New Space Opera 2|The New Space Opera 2]],'' p. 91 * Indeed, if we are ever to be free human beings, and not puppets jerked about by unseen forces—which may or may not exist—the gods must go. ** [[w:John Kessel|John Kessel]], ''Events Preceding the Helvetican Renaissance'' (2009) in [[w:Gardner Dozois|Gardner Dozois]] & [[w:Jonathan Strahan|Jonathan Strahan]] (eds.) ''[[w:The New Space Opera 2|The New Space Opera 2]],'' p. 102 * The Christian God is spirit and Christianity is spirit, and there is discord between the flesh and the spirit but the flesh is not the sensuous-it is the selfish. In this sense, even the spiritual can become sensuous-for example, if a person took his spiritual gifts in vain, he would then be carnal. And of course I know that it is not necessary for the Christian that Christ must have been physically beautiful; and it would be grievous-for a reason different from the one you give-because if beauty were some essential, how the believer would long to see him; but from all this it by no means follows that the sensuous is annihilated in Christianity. ** [[Soren Kierkegaard]] ''Either/Or Part II'' (1843) as translated by Hong, p. 50 * If everything is assumed to be in order with regard to the Holy Scriptures-what then? Has the person who did not believe come a single step closer to faith? No, not a single step. Faith does not result from straightforward scholarly deliberation, nor does it come directly; on the contrary, in this objectivity one loses that infinite, personal, impassioned interestedness, which is the condition of faith, the everywhere and nowhere in which faith can come into existence. Has the person who did believe gained anything with regard to the power and strength of faith? No, not in the least; in this prolix knowledge, in this certainty that lurks at faith’s door and craves for it, he is rather in such a precarious position that much effort, much fear and trembling will be needed lest he fall into temptation and confuse knowledge with faith. Whereas up to now faith has been a beneficial taskmaster in uncertainty, but it would be its worst enemy in this certainty. If passion is taken away, faith no longer exists, and certainty and passion do not hitch up as a team. ** ''Soren Kierkegaard, Concluding Unscientific Postscript to Philosophical Fragments'' (1846) as translated by Hong, p. 29 * To live only in the unconditional, to breathe only the unconditional – the human being cannot do this; he perishes like a fish that must live in the air. But on the other hand a human being cannot in the deeper sense live without relating himself to the unconditional; he expires, that is, perhaps goes on living, but spiritlessly. '''Thus the single''' individual must personally relate himself to the unconditional. I believed, and do believe, that this is Christianity and love for “the neighbor.” **'''The Point of View On My Work As An Author by Soren Kierkegaard''' (finished 1848) published by Peter Christian Kierkegaard 1859 translated by Howard and Edna Hong 1998 Princeton University Press P. 19-20 * God is cruel, sometimes he makes you live. ** [[Stephen King]], ''Desperation'' * God said take what you want ... and pay for it. ** [[Stephen King]], ''Desperation'', said by the character "Johnny Marinville" *According to logic 'nothing" is that of which everything can truly be denied and nothing can truly be affirmed. The idea therefore either of a finite or infinite nothing is a contradiction in terms. And yet according to theologians "God the self existent being is a most simple, unchangeable, incorruptible being; without parts, figure, motion, divisibility, or any other such properties as we find in matter. For all such things so plainly and necessarily imply finiteness in their very notion and are utterly inconsistent with complete infinity." Therefore the God here offered to the adoration of the XlXth century lacks every quality upon which man's mind is capable of fixing any judgment. What is this in fact but a being of whom they can affirm nothing that is not instantly contradicted. Their own Bible their Revelation destroys all the moral perceptions they heap upon him unless indeed they call those qualities perfections that every other man's reason and common sense call imperfections, odious vices and brutal wickedness. Nay more he who reads our Buddhist scriptures written for the superstitious masses will fail to find in them a demon so vindictive, unjust, so cruel and so stupid as the celestial tyrant upon whom the Christians prodigally lavish their servile worship and on whom their theologians heap those perfections that are contradicted on every page of their Bible. Truly and veritably your theology has created her God but to destroy him piecemeal. Your church is the fabulous Saturn, who begets children but to devour them. **[[w:Koot Hoomi|Koot Hoomi]], in [[The Mahatma Letters to A. P. Sinnett|''The Mahatma Letters to A. P. Sinnett'']], (1923), Letter No. X, p. 54, 1881 *'''Alex''': You needn't take it any further, sir. You've proved to me that all this ultraviolence and killing is wrong, wrong, and terribly wrong. I've learned me lesson, sir. I've seen now what I've never seen before. I'm cured! Praise god! ** [[A Clockwork Orange]] screenplay by Stanley Kubrick. * The important point is that all the standard attributes assigned to God in our history could equally well be the characteristics of biological entities who billions of years ago were at a stage of development similar to man's own and evolved into something as remote from man as man is remote from the primordial ooze from which he first emerged. :* [[Stanley Kubrick]] Playboy Interview (1968) [http://paulnahm.blogspot.com/2010/06/playboy-interview-wstanley-kubrick-in.html] == L == [[File:Ludovico Mazzolino - God the Father.jpg|thumb|One boy would not get it through his head that for all adults God is not an old man in a white beard sitting on a cloud. ~ [[Madeleine L'Engle]] ]] [[File:God the Father with His Right Hand Raised in Blessing.jpg|thumb|The purposes of the Almighty are perfect, and must prevail, though we erring mortals may fail to accurately perceive them in advance. ~ [[Abraham Lincoln]] ]] * It isn't always the middle-aged who refuse to listen, who will not even try to understand another point of view. One boy would not get it through his head that for all adults God is not an old man in a white beard sitting on a cloud. As far as this boy was concerned, this old gentleman was the adult's god, and therefore he did not believe in God. ** [[Madeleine L'Engle]] in ''The Crosswicks Journal, Book One : A Circle of Quiet'' (1972) * Life is too short and hard and strange not to blame God for what He done made of the world. ** [[w:Jay Lake|Jay Lake]], ''The Temptation of Eustace Prudence McAllen'' in [[w:Martin H. Greenberg|Martin H. Greenberg]] (ed.) ''Westward Weird'' {{ISBN|978-0-7564-0718-6}} p. 199 * ''Homo proponit et Deus disponit.'' ** And governeth alle goode virtues. ** [[William Langland]], ''Vision of Piers Ploughman'' (Ed. 1824), Volume II, p. 427, line 13,984. [[w:John Gerson|John Gerson]] is credited with same. Saying quoted in ''Chronicles of Battel Abbey'' (1066 to 1177). Translation by Lower, 1851, p. 27. [[Homer]], ''Iliad'', XVII. 515. [[Pindar]], ''Olymp'', XIII. 149. [[Demosthenes]], ''De Corona.'', 209. [[Plautus]], ''Bacchid.'' I, 2, 36. [[w:Ammianus Marcellinus|Ammianus Marcellinus]], ''Hist'', XXV. 3. [[Francois Fenelon]], ''Sermon on the Epiphany'', 1685. [[Montaigne]], ''Essay'', Book II, Chapter XXXVII. [[Seneca the Younger]], ''Epistles'', 107. [[w:Cleanthus|Cleanthus]], ''Fragment''. [[Cervantes]], ''Don Quixote'', I. 22. [[Dante]], ''Paradise'', VIII, line 134. [[Friedrich Schiller]], ''Wallenstein's Death'', I, 7. 32. [[w:Ordericus Vitalis|Ordericus Vitalis]], ''Ecclesiastica Historia'', Book III (1075) * I don't believe in God, but I have this idea that if there were a God, or destiny of some kind looking down on us, that if he saw you taking anything for granted he’d take it away. So he'll be like: 'You think this is going pretty well?' Then he'll go and send down some big disaster. ** [[Hugh Laurie]] Stargazing: Heather's Angry, Jane is Ill, Hugh is Anxious Kansas City Star, Wed, Oct. 31, 2007 *These findings provide the first experimental evidence that exposure to [[God]] influences [[Goals|goal pursuit]] and suggest that the ever-present cultural reminders of God can be both burden and benefit for [[W:Self-control|self-regulation]]... From popular and classic works of fiction, to the news media, to everyday conversation, the social world is replete with mentions of God. The current findings suggest that this exposure may have broad societal consequences for fundamental [[psychological]] processes of [[W:Self-control|self-regulation]], which in turn underlie much of [[health]], [[happiness]], and [[productivity|human productivity]]. **[https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/psp-102-1-4.pdf Divergent Effects of Activating Thoughts of God on Self-Regulation], Kristin Laurin, Aaron C. Kay and Grainne M. Fitzsimons, [[W:Journal of Personality and Social Psychology|''Journal of Personality and Social Psychology'']], (January 2012) * God is only a great imaginative experience. ** [[D.H. Lawrence]], ''Phoenix: The Posthumous Papers of D. H. Lawrence'' (1936) pt. 4, edited by E. McDonald * God is a latecomer in the [[w:history of religion|history of religion]]. ** [[w:Gerard van der Leeuw|Gerard van der Leeuw]], ''Phänomenologie der Religion'' * God is a concept by which we measure our pain. ** [[John Lennon]], ''God'' (1970) * The more we get to know about our [[universe]] ... the more the hypothesis that there is a Creator God, who designed the universe for a purpose, gains in credibility as the best explanation of why we are here. ** [[w:John Lennox|John Lennox]], cited in ''[[w:Awake!|Awake!]]'' magazine, 2010, 11/10, article: ''Has Science Done Away With God?'' * Secondly, getting rid of God does not get rid of the suffering. In fact, it can make the pain worse since it gets rid of all ultimate hope and justice. Horgan denies this in his last sentence, but I still maintain he has no ultimate personal hope to offer for anyone, including himself. The vast majority of people who have ever lived have suffered and not received justice in this life. Since, according to atheism, death is the end, then these people will never receive justice since there is no life to come. I applaud Horgan’s positive reaction to what we have achieved in overcoming disease, poverty, oppression and war, but that does not affect my point in the slightest. <br /> Whether God could have made a world in which fire warmed but didn’t burn and there were no destructive earthquakes is difficult. After all, earthquakes are paradoxically essential for the maintenance of life. Certainly, God could have made a world in which there was no moral evil. But there would have been no humans in it--it would be a robotic world. The greatest God-given capacity we humans have is the capacity to love. It inevitably carries with it the capacity to hate. Hence the world presents us all with a mixed picture – beauty and barbed wire. ** [[w:John Lennox|John Lennox]], [https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/cross-check/can-faith-and-science-coexist-mathematician-and-christian-john-lennox-responds/ "Can Faith and Science Coexist? Mathematician and Christian John Lennox Responds" by John Horgan, at ''Scientific American : Cross-Check'' (1 March 2015)] * Is it not better to place a question mark upon a problem while seeking an answer than to put the label "God" there and consider the matter solved? Does not the word "God" only confuse and make more difficult the solution by assuming a conclusion that is utterly groundless and palpably absurd? ** [[Joseph Lewis]], ''The Philosophy of Atheism'' * His Omnipotence means power to do all that is intrinsically possible, not to do the intrinsically impossible. You may attribute miracles to him, but not nonsense. This is no limit to his power. If you choose to say 'God can give a creature free will and at the same time withhold free will from it,' you have not succeeded in saying anything about God: meaningless combinations of words do not suddenly acquire meaning simply because we prefix to them the two other words 'God can.'... It is no more possible for God than for the weakest of his creatures to carry out both of two mutually exclusive alternatives; not because his power meets an obstacle, but because nonsense remains nonsense even when we talk it about God. ** [[C. S. Lewis]] in: ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=NSjlftWk78kC&pg=PA18 The Problem of Pain ]''. Zondervan, 1944, p. 18. * I am much indebted to the good christian people of the country for their constant prayers and consolations; and to no one of them, more than to yourself. '''The purposes of the Almighty are perfect, and must prevail, though we erring mortals may fail to accurately perceive them in advance.''' We hoped for a happy termination of this terrible [[w:American Civil War|war]] long before this; but God knows best, and has ruled otherwise. We shall yet acknowledge His wisdom and our own error therein. Meanwhile we must work earnestly in the best light He gives us, trusting that so working still conduces to the great ends He ordains. Surely He intends some great good to follow this mighty convulsion, which no mortal could make, and no mortal could stay. ** [[Abraham Lincoln]]'s Letter to Eliza Gurney (4 September 1864); quoted in Roy P. Basler, ed., ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln, vol. 7'' (New Brunswick, N.J.: Rutgers University Press, 1953), p. 535 *I can see how it might be possible for a man to look down upon the earth and be an atheist, but I cannot conceive how he could look up into the heavens and say there is no God. **[[Abraham Lincoln]], Recollection by Gilbert J. Greene, quoted in ''The Speaking Oak'' (1902) by Ferdinand C. Iglehart and ''Latest Light on Abraham Lincoln'' (1917) by Ervin S. Chapman * '''I know there is a God, and that He hates injustice and slavery. I see the storm coming, and I know that His hand is in it. If He has a place and work for me–and I think He has–I believe I am ready. I am nothing, but truth is everything. I know I am right because I know that liberty is right, for Christ teaches it, and Christ is God.''' I have told them that a house divided against itself cannot stand, and Christ and reason say the same; and they will find it so. [[Stephen A. Douglas|Douglas]] doesn't care whether slavery is voted up or voted down, but '''God cares, and humanity cares, and I care; and with God’s help I shall not fail. I may not see the end; but it will come and I shall be vindicated'''; and these men will find that they have not read their Bibles aright. ** [[Abraham Lincoln]] anecdote registered by novelist [[w:Josiah Gilbert Holland|Josiah Gilbert Holland]], in his ''Life of Abraham Lincoln'' (1866), Chapter XVI, p. 287. [[w:University of Nebraska Press|University of Nebraska Press]], as something that Lincoln said in a conversation with educator Newman Bateman, in the Autumn of 1860. * Faith in a distant, ephemeral God, solver of problems by house call, has also been left behind. Increasingly I come to understand my religion and priesthood as a committment to the society in which I live. A committment to men and women who struggle for a new social order where [[slavery]] has no place, that prepares people to fully realize themselves, in which injustice and exploitation cease to be our daily bread. I understand Jesus Christ as very related to this matter. I understand Jesus Christ as each one of my brothers and sisters. I understand that in uniting with them in this struggle, perhaps I will be capable of overcoming the small and large personal needs that are only [[relevant]] because they impede me from fully giving myself to this task. ** [[Antonio Llidó]] letter to a friend on March 9, 1971 (from the book ''Antonio Llidó: Epistolario de un compromiso'',Tàndem Edicons,España (1999) {{ISBN|84-8131-227-4}}. * It is the duty of nations, as well as of men, to own their dependence upon the overruling power of God, to confess their sins and transgressions, in humble sorrow, yet with assured hope that genuine repentance will lead to mercy and pardon, and to recognize the sublime truths announced in the Holy Scriptures, and proven by all history, that those nations only are blessed whose God is the Lord. ** [[Abraham Lincoln]], Proclamation for a Day of Fasting, Humiliation and Prayer (30 March 1863) * An' you've gut to git up airly<br>Ef you want to take in God. ** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''The Biglow Papers'' (1848), First Series. No. 1, Stanza 5 == M == [[File:Thanksgiving chapel interior.jpg|thumb|To say that I am made in the image of God is to say that [[Love]] is the reason for my existence, for God is love. <br> Love is my true identity. Selflessness is my true self. Love is my true character. Love is my name. ~ [[Thomas Merton]] ]] * But the thing that's really disturbing about Noah isn't the silly, it's that it's ''immoral''. It's about a psychotic mass murderer who gets away with it, and his name is God. Genesis says God was so angry with himself for screwing up when he made mankind so flawed (grr!), that he sent the flood to kill everyone. Everyone. Men, women, children, babies. <br /> What kind of tyrant punishes everyone just to get back at the few he's mad at? I mean, ''besides'' {{w|Chris Christie}}. Hey God, you know you're kind of a dick when you are in a movie with [[Russell Crowe]], and you're the one with anger issues. You know, conservatives are always going on about how Americans are losing their values and their morality. Well, maybe it's because you worship a guy who drowns ''babies''. ** [[Bill Maher]], ''Real Time with Bill Maher'' {{#formatdate:2014-03-14}} * The Eternal turned his attention to the three shades who stood humbly and yet hopefully before him. The quick, with so short a time to live, when they talk of themselves, talk too much; but the dead, with eternity before them, are so [[verbosity|verbose]] that only angels could listen to them with civility. ** [[W. Somerset Maugham]], ''Collected Short Stories 1'', "The Judgement Seat", p. 314 * It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods. ** [[H. L. Mencken]] in: Donald M Simanek, John. Holden ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=ldX0FkgurzoC&pg=PA253 Science Askew: A Light-hearted Look at the Scientific World]'', CRC Press, Oct 1, 2001, * What in me is dark,<br>Illumine; what is low, raise and support;<br>That to the height of this great argument<br>I may assert eternal Providence,<br>And justify the ways of God to men. ** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book I, line 22 * These are thy glorious works, Parent of good. ** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book V, line 153 * Bright and clear mind — that we call God. ** [[Namboku Mizuno]], ''Food Governs Your Destiny'', p. 103 * God is living in people's hearts, and in God there is no distinction or rank. Therefore God lives in everyone. That's why traditionally it is said that all deities are the same. They say God comes to a person who is very humble and honest. ** [[Namboku Mizuno]], ''Food Governs Your Destiny'', p. 105 * If, it was natural to reason, God punishes men with eternal torment, it is surely lawful for men to use doses of it in a good cause. ** [[Joseph McCabe]] in ''A History of Torture'' * Creator — A [[Comedy|comedian]] whose audience is afraid to [[laugh]]. ** [[H. L. Mencken]], ''A Mencken Chrestomathy,'' ch. 30 (1949) * God is the immemorial refuge of the incompetent, the helpless, the miserable. They find not only sanctuary in his arms, but also a kind of superiority, soothing to their macerated egos; He will set them above their betters. ** [[H. L. Mencken]], ''Minority Report'' (1956) * To say that I am made in the image of God is to say that [[Love]] is the reason for my existence, for God is love.<br>Love is my true identity. Selflessness is my true self. Love is my true character. Love is my name. ** [[Thomas Merton]], ''Seeds of Contemplation'' (1949) * Persons are not known by intellect alone, not by principles alone, but only by love. It is when we love the other, the enemy, that we obtain from God the key to an understanding of who he is, and who we are. It is only this realization that can open to us the real nature of our duty, and of right action. ** [[Thomas Merton]], in a letter to [[Dorothy Day]] (20 December 1961) * O God, we are one with You. You have made us one with You. You have taught us that if we are open to one another, You dwell in us. Help us to preserve this openness and to fight for it with all our hearts. Help us to realize that there can be no understanding where there is mutual rejection. O God, in accepting one another wholeheartedly, fully, completely, we accept You, and we thank You, and we adore You, and we love You with our whole being, because our being is Your being, our spirit is rooted in Your spirit. Fill us then with love, and let us be bound together with love as we go our diverse ways, united in this one spirit which makes You present in the world, and which makes You witness to the ultimate reality that is love. Love has overcome. Love is victorious. Amen. ** [[Thomas Merton]], in his closing prayer to an informal address delivered in Calcutta, India (October 1968), from ''The Asian Journal of Thomas Merton'' (1975); quoted in ''Thomas Merton, Spiritual Master : The Essential Writings'' (1992), p. 237 * There is a very good saying that if triangles invented a god, they would make him three-sided. ** [[Charles de Montesquieu]], ''Lettres persannes'' * If there is anything so precious that without it history and the world will be destroyed, where will you keep it? You will naturally want to keep it in the deepest part of your mind. If you desire to place it in the depths of your mind, it needs to be invisible. It is for this very reason that God exists as an invisible being. It is fortunate that He is invisible, for if He were visible how could a great contest to gain Him be avoided? It would be difficult for God to endure the pain of seeing it. ** [[Sun Myung Moon]], [http://www.unification.net/wogw/wogw1-01.html ''The Way of God's Will'' Chapter 1-1. The Will of God] (1980 translation) * God is not stupid. ** [[Sun Myung Moon]], [http://www.unification.org/ucbooks/WofGW/wogw1-05.htm ''The Way of God's Will'' Chapter 1-5. Tradition, Official Business, and Responsibility] (1980 translation) * If God is merciful, He provides us with little evidence. ** [[Michael Moorcock]], ''The War Hound and the World’s Pain'' (1981), Chapter 6 *...indeed, if there were any modesty left in mankind, the histories of the Bible might abundantly assure men of the existence of [[angels]] and spirits... I look upon it as a special piece of Providence that . . . fresh examples of apparitions may awaken our benumbed and lethargic minds into an assurance that there are other intelligent beings besides those that are clothed in heavy earth or clay . . . for this evidence, showing that there are bad spirits, will necessarily open a door to the belief that there are good ones, and lastly, that there is a [[God]]. **[[Henry More]], quoted by [[H.P. Blavatsky]], in ''Isis Unveiled: A Master-Key to the Mysteries of Ancient and Modern Science and Theology,'' (1877) * God for all anyone knows could be [[Cary Grant]]. ** [[Carole Morin]], ''Dead Glamorous'' (1996) * God isn’t in the details, He’s in the structure. ** [[Carole Morin]], ''Spying on Strange Men'' (2013) == N == [[File:Nyanaponika Maha Thera.jpg|thumb|A Buddhist meditator, while benefiting from the refinement of consciousness he has achieved, will be able to see these meditative experiences for what they are; and he will further know that they are without any abiding substance that could be attributed to a deity manifesting itself to his mind. ~ [[Nyanaponika Thera]]]] <!-- [[File:Light dispersion conceptual.gif|thumb|From blind physical necessity, which is always and everywhere the same, no variety adhering to time and place could evolve, and all variety of created objects which represent order and life in the universe could happen only by the willful reasoning of its original Creator, Whom I call the Lord God. ~ [[Isaac Newton]] ]] [[File:Darwinek-bnw.jpg|thumb|God is dead: but considering the state Man is in, there will perhaps be caves, for ages yet, in which his shadow will be shown. ~ [[Friedrich Nietzsche]] ]] [[File:Orvieto Pozzo San Patrizio 5.JPG|thumb| I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche]] --> * The appeal to a religious meaning to life is a bit different. If you believe that the meaning of your life comes from fulfilling the purpose of God, who loves you, and seeing Him in eternity, then it doesn't seem appropriate to ask, "And what is the point of that?"It's supposed to be something which is its own point, and can't have a purpose outside itself. But for this very reason it has its own problems.<br>The idea of God seems to be the idea of something that can explain everything else, without having to be explained itself. But it's very hard to understand how there could be such a thing. If we ask the question, "Why is the world like this?" and are offered a religious answer, how can we be prevented from asking again, "And why is that true?" What kind of answer would bring all of our "Why?" questions to a stop, once and for all? And if they can stop there, why couldn't they have stopped earlier?<br>The same problem seems to arise if God and His purposes are offered as the ultimate explanation of the value and meaning of our lives. The idea that our lives fulfil God's purpose is supposed to give them their point, in a way that doesn't require or admit of any further point. One isn't supposed to ask "What is the point of God?" any more than one is supposed to ask, "What is the explanation of God?"<br>But my problem here, as with the role of God as ultimate explanation, is that I'm not sure I understand the idea. Can there really be something which gives point to everything else by encompassing it, but which couldn't have, or need, any point itself? Something whose point can't be questioned from outside because there is no outside?<br>If God is supposed to give our lives a meaning that we can't understand, it's not much of a consolation. God as ultimate justification, like God as ultimate explanation, may be an incomprehensible answer to a question that we can't get rid of. On the other hand, maybe that's the whole point, and I am just failing to understand religious ideas. Perhaps the belief in God is the belief that the universe is intelligible, but not to US. ** [[Thomas Nagel]], ''What Does It All Mean?: A Very Short Introduction to Philosophy'' (1987), Ch. 10. The Meaning of Life * '''It behooves man to take to heart who it is that hath created him, and who hath developed him from a foul-smelling drop in the womb of woman, who hath brought him to the light of the world, who hath given sight to his eyes, and who hath bestowed the power of motion upon his feet, who maketh him to stand upright, who hath infused the breath of life into him, and who hath imparted of His own pure spirit unto him.''' Happy the man, therefore, that polluteth not the holy spirit of God within him by doing evil deeds, and well for him if he returns it to his Creator as he received it." ** Naphtali son of Jacob, as cited in ''Legends of the Jews'' (1909) * '''The Ultimate [[Truth]] is called God.''' This one can realize in the state of Nirvikalpa Samadhi. '''A circle can have only one centre but it can have numerous radii. The centre can be compared to God and the radii to religions.''' So, no one sect, no one [[religion]] or [[book]] can make an absolute claim of It. '''He who works for It gets It.''' **[[Swami Narayanananda]], ''Selected Articles 1933-86'' (2002), p. 301 * The poor is almost always seen to have a prophetic capacity: not only is the poor in the world, but the poor is the very possibility of the world. Only the poor lives radically the actual and present being, in destitution and suffering, and thus only the poor has the ability to renew being. The divinity of the multitude of the poor does not point to any transcendence. On the contrary, here and only here in this world, in the existence of the poor, is the field of immanence presented, confirmed, consolidated, and opened. The poor is god on earth. ** [[Michael Hardt and Antonio Negri]], ''Empire'' (2000), p. 157 * '''This most beautiful system of the sun, planets, and comets could only proceed from the counsel and dominion of an intelligent and powerful Being.''' This Being governs all things, not as the soul of the world, but as Lord over all, and on account of His dominion He is wont to be called Lord God, Universal Ruler. ** [[Isaac Newton]], ''[[w:Philosophiae Naturalis Principia Mathematica|Philosophiae Naturalis Principia Mathematica]]'' (1687) * All these things being considered, it seems probable to me, that God in the beginning formed matter in solid, massy, hard, impenetrable, moveable particles, of such sizes and figures, and with such other properties, and in such proportion to space, as most conduced to the end for which he formed them; and that these primitive particles, being solids, are incomparably harder than any porous bodies compounded of them; even so very hard, as never to wear or break in pieces; no ordinary power being able to divide what God himself made one in the first creation. ** [[Isaac Newton]], ''[[w:Opticks|Opticks, or A Treatise of the Reflections, Refractions, Inflections and Colours of Light]]'', 4th edition (1730) * A Heavenly Master governs all the world as Sovereign of the universe. We are astonished at Him by reason of His perfection, we honor Him and fall down before Him because of His unlimited power. From blind physical necessity, which is always and everywhere the same, no variety adhering to time and place could evolve, and all variety of created objects which represent order and life in the universe could happen only by the willful reasoning of its original Creator, Whom I call the Lord God. ** [[Isaac Newton]], as quoted in ''Our Humanist Heritage'' (2010) by George Frater, p. 75 * You see what it was that really triumphed over the Christian God: Christian morality itself, the concept of truthfulness that was understood more rigorously, the father confessor’s refinement of the Christian conscience, translated and sublimated into a scientific conscience, into intellectual cleanliness at any price. ** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The Gay Science'', § 357, Kauffman trans. * ''Gott ist eine Mutmaßung; aber ich will, daß euer Mutmaßen nicht weiter reiche, als euer schaffender Wille.'' ** God is an assumption; but I want your assuming to reach no further than your creative will. *** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], "Upon the Blessed Isles", ''Thus Spoke Zarathustra'' * ''Gott ist ein Gedanke, der macht alles Gerade krumm.'' ** '''God is a thought which makes crooked all that is straight.''' *** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], "Upon the Blessed Isles", ''Thus Spoke Zarathustra'' * '''God is dead: but considering the state Man is in, there will perhaps be caves, for ages yet, in which his shadow will be shown.''' ** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], in ''The Gay Science'' (1882), section 125 ** The reduction of Nietzsche's thought to … the first-liner of a graffito sometimes found in certain modern tiled cells and catacombs: :: '''God is dead''' — Nietzsche <br> Nietzsche is dead — '''God''' : This reduction could appear to be the creative interpretation of masterful will to power — if Nietzsche's thought and style are as uncontrolled as the critics suggest. … Nietzsche himself anticipates the strife of revengeful graffiti at the conclusion of his text: "Wherever there are walls I shall inscribe this eternal accusation against Christianity upon them — I can write in letters which make even the blind see." …Nietzsche says in his preface that his readers must have a "predestination for the labyrinth" and "new ears for new music" if they are to understand this difficult writing. :* Gary Shapiro in ''Nietzschean Narratives'' (1989), p. 126 * '''I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time.''' ** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], as quoted in ''20,000 Quips & Quotes'' (1995) edited by Evan Esar, p. 347 * "Will to truth" does not mean "I do not want to let myself be deceived" but—there is no alternative—"I will not deceive, not even myself"; and with that we stand on moral ground. ... You will have gathered what I am getting at, namely, that it is still a metaphysical faith upon which our faith in science rests—that even we knowers of today, we godless anti-metaphysicians, still take our fire, too, from the flame lit by the thousand-year-old faith, the Christian faith which was also [[Plato|Plato's]] faith, that God is truth; that truth is divine. ** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The Gay Science'' (1882), B. Williams, ed. (2001), § 344 * What differentiates us is not that we find no God—neither in history, nor in nature, nor behind nature—but that we do not feel that what has been revered as God is ‘god-like.’ ** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The Antichrist'', § 47, in W. Kaufmann, ''Nietzsche'', p. 101 * '''God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant.''' He could fix my life in five minutes if He wanted to, but he'd rather tear off my feelers and watch me squirm. ** "Bruce [[Giordano Bruno|Nolan]]" in ''[[Bruce Almighty]]'' (2003) * '''There probably is a God. Many things are easier to explain if there is than if there isn't.''' ** [[John von Neumann]], as quoted in ''John Von Neumann : The Scientific Genius Who Pioneered the Modern Computer , Game Theory, Nuclear Deterrence and Much More'' (1992) by Norman Macrae, p. 379 * After rising from deep [[w:Dhyāna in Buddhism|meditative absorption]] ([[w:jhāna|jhāna]]), the Buddhist meditator is advised to view the physical and mental factors constituting his experience in the light of the three characteristics of all conditioned existence: [[w:Impermanence|impermanence]], [[w:Dukkha|liability to suffering]], and [[w:Anatta|absence of an abiding ego or eternal substance]]. This is done primarily in order to utilize the meditative purity and strength of consciousness for the highest purpose: liberating insight. But this procedure also has a very important side effect which concerns us here: the meditator will not be overwhelmed by any uncontrolled emotions and thoughts evoked by his singular experience, and will thus be able to avoid interpretations of that experience not warranted by the facts.<br>Hence a Buddhist meditator, while benefiting from the refinement of consciousness he has achieved, will be able to see these meditative experiences for what they are; and he will further know that they are without any abiding substance that could be attributed to a deity manifesting itself to his mind. ** [[Nyanaponika Thera]], "Buddhism and the God-Idea" (1962) == O == *Man is born broken. He lives by mending. The grace of God is glue. **[[Eugene O'Neill]], [http://gutenberg.net.au/ebooks04/0400091h.html The Great God Brown] (1926) *'''Near''': Nobody can say what is right and what is wrong, what is righteous and what is evil. Even if there is a God, and I had his teachings before me, I would think it through and decide if that was right or wrong myself. ** [[Death Note]] chapter 105, written by Tsugumi Ohba * Can omniscient God, who<br>Knows the future, find<br>The Omnipotence to<br> Change His future mind? **[[w:Karen Owens|Karen Owens]] in: ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=yq1xDpicghkC&pg=PA101 The God Delusion]'', Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, Jan 16, 2008, p. 101. * Having refuted, then, as well as we could, every notion which might suggest that we were to think of God as in any degree corporeal, we go on to say that, according to strict truth, '''God is incomprehensible, and incapable of being measured.''' For whatever be the knowledge which we are able to obtain of God, either by perception or reflection, we must of necessity believe that He is by many degrees far better than what we perceive Him to be. ** [[Origen]] ''On First Principles'', Bk. 1, ch. 1; par. 5 * ''Cura pii Dis sunt, & qui coluere coluntur.'' ** Heaven rewards the pious; those who cherish God<br>Themselves are cherished. ** [[Ovid]], ''Metamorphoses'', VIIL, 725 == P == [[File:General George S. Patton gravesite, Luxembourg.jpg|thumb|It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who [[Death|died]]. Rather we should thank God that such men [[Life|lived]]. ~ [[George S. Patton, Jr.]] ]] [[File:Terry Pratchett Arms.svg|thumb|I don't think I've found God, but I may have seen where gods come from. ~ [[Terry Pratchett]] ]] * Thus, to the fourth question in the Westminster Shorter Catechism, ''"What is God?"'', the answer read as follows: God is a [[Holy Spirit|Spirit]], [[infinite]], eternal and uncheangeable, in his being, [[wisdom]], power, [[Sacred#Distinguished from "Holy"|holiness]], justice and [[truth]]. : This statement the great [[Charles Hodge]] described as ''"probably the best definition of God ever penned by a man."'' (p. 21). : The [[Book of Daniel]] tells us about the wisdom, might and truth oft he great God who rules history and shows his [[sovereignty]] in acts of judgement and mercy towards individuals and nations according to his own pleasure (p. 29). :* {{cite book|url= https://books.google.it/books?id=06yoMWEmwPYC&pg=PA7&dq=knowing+god&hl=it&source=gbs_selected_pages&cad=2|first1= James I.|last1= Packer|title= Knowing God|publisher= InterVarsity Press|edition= first|year= 1973|chapter= 1 - The study of God|location= Downers Grove, Illinois|language= en|pages= 21, 29|isbn= 978-0-8308-1651-4|lccn= 73-81573|archive-url= |archive-date=|deadurl= }} * '''Those of us who are [[Gnosticism|Gnostics]] believe that [[all]] [[people]] are ultimately saved and that God always [[Love|loves]] us, no matter what we do. These beliefs are [[Truth|true]], but they can very easily be simplified and misunderstood.''' God is never [[Anger|angry]] with us in the way in which a vengeful [[human]] would reject us, but God’s love for us has a dark side and one which we should rightfully [[fear]]. '''God loves us not in a sentimental way which aims at our ease and [[pleasure]] but, rather in a way which aims at our highest [[good]] and with an intensity which no one, even the highest [[angels]], can understand.''' God is absolutely determined, with an [[infinite]] determination, to rid us of all that does not reflect His Goodness. As one of our hymns puts it, ::''“But unto wrong what is His Name? <br> Our God is a consuming [[flame]] <br> To every [[wrong]] beneath the [[sun]]!”'' : And, because of that, '''God’s [[punishments]] are terrible, and it is wise to fear them.''' :* Edward J. Parkinson, in [http://www.catholicgnostics.com/node/17 "Divine Justice: Gnostic Reflections on Some Often Terrifying Realities" at ''CatholicGnostics.com''] * ''FEU. Dieu d'Abraham, Dieu d'Isaac, Dieu de Jacob, non des philosophes et savants. Certitude. Certitude. Sentiment. Joie. Paix.'' ** '''FIRE. God of Abraham, God of Isaac, God of Jacob, not of the philosophers and scholars. Certainty. Certainty. Feeling. Joy. Peace.''' ** [[Blaise Pascal]], Note on a parchment stitched to the lining of Pascal's coat, found by a servant shortly after his death, as quoted in [[w:Francis Crawford Burkitt|Burkitt]] ''Speculum religionis'' (1929), p. 150 * Compare not thyself with others, but with Me. If thou dost not find Me in those with whom thou comparest thyself, thou comparest thyself to one who is abominable. If thou findest Me in them, compare thyself to Me. But whom wilt thou compare? Thyself, or Me in thee? If it is thyself, it is one who is abominable. If it is I, thou comparest Me to Myself. Now I am God in all. ** [[Blaise Pascal]], ''[[Pensées]]'' (1669), § 554 * Posterity will one day [[laugh]] at the [[Fools|foolishness]] of modern materialistic philosophers. The more I study [[nature]], the more I stand amazed at the work of the Creator. I pray while I am engaged at my work in the laboratory. **[[Louis Pasteur]], as quoted in ''The Literary Digest'' (18 October 1902) *The more I study nature, the more I stand amazed at the work of the Creator. **[[Louis Pasteur]], as quoted in ''The Literary Digest'' (18 October 1902) * Science, which brings man nearer to God **[[Louis Pasteur]], quoted in René Vallery-Radot, ''The Life of Pasteur'' (1902), vol. 1, p. 194 * '''It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who [[Death|died]]. Rather we should thank God that such men [[Life|lived]]..''' ** General [[George S. Patton, Jr.]], in a speech at the Copley Plaza Hotel, Boston Massachusetts (7 June 1945), quoted in ''Patton : Ordeal and Triumph'' (1970) by Ladislas Farago [[File:Plato and Aristotle in The School of Athens, by italian Rafael.jpg|thumb|You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters... Not one of them who took up in his youth with this opinion that there are no gods ever continued until old age faithful to his conviction. ~ [[Plato]]]] * '''The word "God," so "capitalised" (as we Americans say), is ''the'' definable proper name, signifying ''Ens [[Necessity|necessarium]]''; in my belief Really creator of all three Universes of Experience.''' ** [[Charles Sanders Peirce]], in "[[s:A Neglected Argument for the Reality of God|A Neglected Argument for the Reality of God]]" (1908), § I. ''Ens necessarium'' is a latin expression which signifies "Necessary being, necessary entity". * A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. ** [[Alan Perlis]] (1982) ''Epigrams on Programming''. nr.79 * '''The hypothesis of God is a peculiar one, in that it supposes an infinitely incomprehensible object, although every hypothesis, as such, supposes its object to be truly conceived in the hypothesis.''' This leaves the hypothesis but one way of understanding itself; namely, as vague yet as true so far as it is definite, and as continually tending to define itself more and more, and without limit. The hypothesis, being thus itself inevitably subject to the law of growth, appears in its vagueness to represent God as so, albeit this is directly contradicted in the hypothesis from its very first phase. But this apparent attribution of growth to God, since it is ineradicable from the hypothesis, cannot, according to the hypothesis, be flatly false. Its implications concerning the Universes will be maintained in the hypothesis, while its implications concerning God will be partly disavowed, and yet held to be less false than their denial would be. Thus the hypothesis will lead to our thinking of features of each Universe as purposed; and this will stand or fall with the hypothesis. Yet a purpose essentially involves growth, and so cannot be attributed to God. Still it will, according to the hypothesis, be less false to speak so than to represent God as purposeless. ** [[Charles Sanders Peirce]], in "A Neglected Argument for the Reality of God" (1908), § II * All matter originates and exists only by virtue of a force which brings the particle of an atom to vibration and holds this most minute solar system of the atom together. We must assume behind this force the existence of a conscious and intelligent mind. '''This [[mind]] is the matrix of all matter.''' ** [[Max Planck]], as he accepted the Nobel Prize (1919) *You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters... Not one of them who took up in his youth with this opinion that there are no gods ever continued until old age faithful to his conviction. **[[Plato]]'s ''[[w:Laws (dialogue)|The Laws]]'' (his last and longest dialogue). * God is truth and light his shadow. ** [[Plato]] * God is a geometrician. ** Attributed to [[Plato]], but not found in his works * Laugh where we must, be candid where we can,<br>But vindicate the ways of God to man. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''An Essay on Man'' (1733-34), Epistle I, line 15 * Lo, the poor Indian! whose untutored mind<br>Sees God in clouds, or hears him in the wind. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''An Essay on Man'' (1733-34), Epistle I, line 99 * To Him no high, no low, no great, no small;<br>He fills, He bounds, connects and equals all! ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''An Essay on Man'' (1733-34), Epistle I, line 277 * He mounts the [[storm]], and walks upon the [[wind]]. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''An Essay on Man'' (1733-34), Epistle II, line 110 * An honest man's the noblest work of God. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''An Essay on Man'' (1733-34), Epistle IV, line 248 * Slave to no sect, who takes no private road,<br>But looks through Nature up to Nature's God. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''An Essay on Man'' (1733-34), Epistle IV, line 331 * '''I don't have much truck with the "[[religion]] is the cause of most of our wars" school of thought because that is manifestly done by mad, manipulative and power-hungry men who cloak their ambition in God.'''<br> I number believers of all sorts among my friends. Some of them are praying for me. I'm happy they wish to do this, I really am, but I think science may be a better bet. ** [[Terry Pratchett]], in [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1028222/I-create-gods-time--I-think-exist.html "I create gods all the time - now I think one might exist, says fantasy author Terry Pratchett" in ''The Daily Mail'' (21 June 2008)] * '''I don't think I've found God, but I may have seen where gods come from.''' ** [[Terry Pratchett]], in "I create gods all the time - now I think one might exist, says fantasy author Terry Pratchett" in ''The Daily Mail'' (21 June 2008) * The first act of man, filled and carried away with enthusiasm (of the divine breath), is to adore the invisible Providence on which he feels that he depends, and which he calls GOD. ** [[Pierre-Joseph Proudhon]], ''The Philosophy of Misery''. § 1.1 *Indeed the inscrutable [[One]] is out of the reach of every rational process. <br /> Nor can any words come up to the inexpressible Good, this One, this Source of all unity, this super-existent Being. <br /> '''Mind beyond mind, word beyond speech, it is gathered up by no discourse, by no intuition, by no name. <br /> It is and it is as no other being is.''' ** Pseudo-Dionysius, ''The Divine Names'', 1, 1 * One thing I can't stand, it's people groveling. ** God, in ''[[Monty Python and the Holy Grail]]'' == Q == == R == [[File:Ngc1999.jpg|thumb|The [[Wisdom]] of God Manifested in the [[Works]] of the [[Creation]]. ~ [[John Ray]] ]] [[File:Electric iron stand.jpg|thumb|If a person who indulges in gluttony is a glutton, and a person who commits a felony is a felon, then God is an iron. ~ [[Spider Robinson]] ]] [[File:AnttlersNewM45.jpg|thumb|In the [[presence]] of [[infinite]] might and infinite [[wisdom]], the [[strength]] of the strongest man is but weakness, and the keenest of [[mortal]] [[eyes]] see but dimly. ~ [[Theodore Roosevelt]] ]] [[File:Pasternak-rilke.jpeg|thumb|There are proofs of Your existence. I had forgotten them all, and never demanded any either, for what an overwhelming obligation would come with this certainty. ~ [[Rainer Maria Rilke]]]] [[File:Rilke in Moscow by L.Pasternak (1928).jpg|thumb|Is it possible that there are people who say "God" and suppose they mean something shared by all? — Only consider two schoolboys: one of them buys a knife, and the other buys an identical one on the same day. And a week later, they show each other the two knives, and they turn out to be only remotely similar, so differently have they been shaped by different hands. ... Is it possible to believe we could have a god without making use of him? ~ [[Rainer Maria Rilke]]]] * All true knowledge of God begins with the knowledge of his hiddenness. ** [[w:Gerhard von Rad|Gerhard von Rad]], ''Old Testament Theology. Volume II: The Theology of Israel's Prophetic Traditions'' (1960). Louisville: Westminster John Knox Press, 2001, p. 377 * '''He who is called [[Brahman]] by the [[w:Jnana|jnanis]] is known as [[w:Atman|Atman]] by the [[w:yogi|yogis]] and as [[w:Bhagavan|Bhagavan]] by the [[w:Bhakti|bhaktas]].''' The same brahmin is called priest, when worshipping in the temple, and cook, when preparing a meal in the kitchen. '''The ''jnani'', following the path of knowledge, always reason about the Reality saying, "not this, not this." Brahman is neither "this" nor "that"; It is neither the universe nor its living beings. Reasoning in this way, the mind becomes steady.''' Finally it disappears and the aspirant goes into [[w:samadhi|samadhi]]. This is the Knowledge of Brahman. It is the unwavering conviction of the jnani that Brahman alone is real and the world is illusory. '''All these [[names]] and forms are illusory, like a [[dream]]. What Brahman is cannot be described.''' One cannot even say that Brahman is a Person. This is the opinion of the jnanis, the followers of Vedanta. But '''the bhaktas accept all the states of consciousness. They take the waking state to be real also. They don't think the world to be illusory, like a dream. They say that the universe is a manifestation of the God's [[power]] and [[glory]]. God has created all these — [[sky]], [[stars]], [[moon]], [[sun]], [[mountains]], [[ocean]], [[men]], [[animals]]. They constitute His glory.''' He is within us, in our hearts. Again, He is outside. The most advanced devotees say that He Himself has become all this — the 24 cosmic principles, the universe, and all living beings. '''The devotee of God wants to eat sugar, and not become sugar.''' (All laugh.) Do you know how a lover of God feels? His attitude is: "O God, Thou art the Master, and I am Thy servant. Thou art the Mother, and I Thy child." Or again: "Thou art my Father and Mother. '''Thou art the Whole, and I am a part.'''" He does not like to say, "I am Brahman." They yogi seeks to realize the [[w:Paramatman|Paramatman]], the Supreme Soul. '''His ideal is the union of the embodied soul and the Supreme Soul.''' He withdraws his mind from sense objects and tries to concentrate on the Paramatman. Therefore, during the first stage of his spiritual discipline, he retires into solitude and with undivided attention practices [[meditation]] in a fixed posture. <br> But the reality is one and the same; the difference is only in name. He who is Brahman is verily Atman, and again, He is the Bhagavan. He is Brahman to the followers of the path of knowledge, Paramatman to the yogis, and Bhagavan to the lovers of God. ** [[Ramakrishna]], ''The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna'' (1942), p. 132 * '''The [[Wisdom]] of God Manifested in the [[Works]] of the [[Creation]].''' ** [[John Ray]], title of a book (1691) * Most intellectual people do not [[believe]] in God, but they [[fear]] him just the same. ** [[Wilhelm Reich]], in James Lee Christian ''Philosophy : An Introduction to the Art of Wondering'', (2005), p. 556. * The god of many cannot remain the true god. ** [[James Richardson]], ''Vectors: Aphorisms and Ten Second Essays'' (2001), #138 * Is it possible that there are people who say "God" and suppose they mean something shared by all? &mdash; Only consider two schoolboys: one of them buys a knife, and the other buys an identical one on the same day. And a week later, they show each other the two knives, and they turn out to be only remotely similar, so differently have they been shaped by different hands. ... Is it possible to believe we could have a god without making use of him? ** [[Rainer Maria Rilke]], ''[[w:The Notebooks of Malte Laurids Brigge|The Notebooks of Malte Laurids Brigge]]'' (1910), as translated by Michael Hulse (2009), p. 16 * A thought struck me abruptly: My God, you do ''exist'', then. There are proofs of Your existence. I had forgotten them all, and never demanded any either, for what an overwhelming obligation would come with this certainty. And yet that is what is now being shown to me. ** [[Rainer Maria Rilke]], ''[[w:The Notebooks of Malte Laurids Brigge|The Notebooks of Malte Laurids Brigge]]'' (1910), as translated by Michael Hulse (2009), p. 135 * When I speak of All That Is, you must understand my position within it. All That Is knows no other. This does not mean that there <u>may</u> not be more to know. It does not mean, and here words quite fail us, it does not mean that All That Is, in any terms we can conceive of, <u>may</u> not be limited. It <u>knows</u> of no other. ** [[Jane Roberts]], (1997) * If a person who indulges in gluttony is a glutton, and a person who commits a felony is a felon, then God is an iron. ** [[Spider Robinson]], in "God is an Iron" (1977) * We must question the story logic of having an all-knowing all-powerful God, who creates faulty Humans, and then blames them for his own mistakes. ** [[Gene Roddenberry]], Free Inquiry (autumn, 1992) * I think God is as much a basic ingredient in the universe as neutrons and positrons . . . God is, for lack of a better term, clout. This is the prime force, when we look around the universe. ** [[Gene Roddenberry]] [https://books.google.com/books?isbn=113558088X] * If you do not know your heart, you do not know your God. ** [[Radoslav Rochallyi]], "Mythra Invictus", published in VSS:Bratislava, (2019), p. 62 *Also, if you read attentively and objectively the "Letter about God": in [[w:The Mahatma Letters to A.P. Sinnett|The Mahatma Letters]], you will see that the Mahatma repudiates the sacrilegious and anthropomorphic conception of a Personal god—cruel and unjust, chastising with eternal damnation all so-called heretics, and justifying all the crimes committed in his Holy Name! Verily, such a God cannot have a Mahatma's approval and respect. **[[Helena Roerich]] ''Letters I,'' (8 September 1934) *Its Humanity develops fully only in the Fourth—our Fourth—our present Round. Up to this fourth Life-Cycle, it is referred to as 'humanity' only for lack of a more appropriate term. Like the grub which becomes chrysalis and butterfly, Man, or rather that which becomes man, passes through all the forms and kingdoms during the first Round and through all the human shapes during the two following Rounds... During the three Rounds to come, Humanity, like the globe [planet] on which it lives, will be ever tending to reassume its primeval form, that of a Dhyan-Chohanic Host. Man tends to become a God and then—GOD, like every other atom in the Universe... **[[Helena Roerich]] ''Letters II,'' (16 November 1935) *The Ruling Principle of the Universe is one of Harmony and Love—God is Love. Therefore, if we wish to embody the most ancient axiom, "as above, so below," we should become unified precisely upon this principle of love and should be subordinate to it, regarding it as our only boundless Ruler. **[[Helena Roerich]] ''Letters II,'' (15 April 1936) *By propagating the dogma of Jesus Christ as the only begotten Son of God, the Church contradicts the very sense of the prayer given to us by Jesus Christ himself, "Our Father which art in heaven." And also the words of the Scriptures, "So God created man in his own image." (Genesis 1:27) **[[Helena Roerich]] ''Letters II,'' (2 April 1936) *Verily, there is nothing more sacrilegious for human consciousness than to limit the Ineffable Grandeur of the Divine Principle that is poured out over the entire Universe. Assuredly, from this monstrous, ignorant belittling issue all the unworthy concepts of God. Man, in his conceit, tries to bring everything down to his own level and likeness... Indeed, the books of the Teaching are full of concepts of the Divine Principle, or God, and of Spirit and spirituality. **[[Helena Roerich]] ''Letters II,'' (24 May 1936) *The God in us is the sole reality; all else, as beautifully and poetically expressed by the East, is but the "Play of the Great Mother of the World."...There is no God, or Gods, who was not at some time a man. **[[Helena Roerich]] ''Letters II,'' (24 May 1936) * '''In the presence of infinite might and infinite wisdom, the strength of the strongest man is but weakness, and the keenest of mortal eyes see but dimly.''' ** [[Theodore Roosevelt]]'s Christian Citizenship Address before the Young Men's Christian Association, Carnegie Hall, New York (30 December 1900) * '''Nothing remains, under God, but those passions which have often proved''' the best ministers of His vengeance, and '''the surest protectors of the world.''' ** [http://www.archive.org/stream/elementarysketc03smitgoog#page/n440/mode/2up Lecture XXVIL: On Habit - Part II, in “Elementary Sketches of Moral Philosophy”, delivered at The Royal Institution in the years 1804, 1805, and 1806 by the late Rev. Sydney Smith, M.A. (Spottiswoodes and Shaw (London: 1849))], p. 424 *** Another Variant: '''When the usual hopes and the common aids of man are all gone, nothing remains under God but those passions which have often proved the best ministers of His purpose and the surest protectors of the world.''' *** Quoted by [[w:Theodore Roosevelt|Theodore Roosevelt]] in his "[http://www.theodore-roosevelt.com/images/research/txtspeeches/668.pdf Brotherhood and the Heroic Virtues]" Address at the Veterans' Reunion, Burlington, Vermont, September 5, 1901 and published in Theodore Roosevelt's "The Strenuous Life: Essays and Addresses" by Dover Publications (April 23, 2009) in its Dover Thrift Editions (ISBN: 978-0486472294), p. 127 * Kill one man and you are a murderer. Kill millions and you are a conqueror. Kill everyone and you are a God. ** [[Jean Rostand]], ''Thoughts of a Biologist'' (1939) * '''If I were granted omnipotence, and millions of years to experiment in, I should not think Man much to boast of as the final result of all my efforts.''' ** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Religion and Science'' * If there were a God, I think it very unlikely that he would have such an uneasy vanity as to be offended by those who doubt his existence. ** [[Bertrand Russell]], quoted in ''Bertrand Russell's Best'' (1958), "On Religion" * [[Pragmatists]] explained that Truth is what it pays to believe. Historians of morals reduced the Good to a matter of tribal custom. Beauty was abolished by artists in a revolt against the sugary insipidities of a philistine epoch and in a mood of fury in which satisfaction is to be derived only from what hurts. And so the world was swept clear not only of God as a person but of God's essence as an ideal to which man owed an ideal allegiance. ** [[Bertrand Russell]], "On Being Modern-Minded," ''Unpopular Essays'' (1950), p. 69 == S == [[File:Tree of Life 2009 large.png |thumb|Individual things are nothing but modifications of the attributes of God, or modes by which the attributes of God are expressed in a fixed and definite manner. ~ [[Baruch Spinoza]] ]] * I think that if there were a God, there would be less evil on this earth. I believe that if evil exists here below, then either it was willed by God or it was beyond His powers to prevent it. Now I cannot bring myself to fear a God who is either spiteful or weak. I defy Him without fear and care not a fig for his thunderbolts. ** [[Marquis de Sade]], ''Justine or The Misfortunes of Virtue'' (1787) [This quote is strikingly similar to Epicurus' above.] * The existence of the world without God seems to me less absurd than the presence of a God, existing in all his perfection, creating an imperfect man in order to make him run the risk of Hell. ** [[w:Armand Salacrou|Armand Salacrou]] in ''Ceritudes et incertitudes'' (1943) * Respectable society believed in God in order to avoid having to speak about him. ** [[Jean-Paul Sartre]], ''The Words'' (1964) * ''Gott werden, Mensch sein, sich bilden, sind Ausdrücke, die einerlei bedeuten.'' **To become God, to be human, to cultivate oneself are all expressions that mean the same thing. *** [[Friedrich Schlegel]], ''Lucinde and the Fragments'', P. Firchow, trans. (1991), “Athenaeum Fragments” § 262 * There are as many gods as there are ideals. And further, the relation of the true artist and the true human being to his ideals is absolutely religious. The man for whom this inner divine service is the end and occupation of all his life is a priest, and this is how everyone can and should become a priest. ** [[Friedrich Schlegel]], ''Philosophical Fragments'', P. Firchow, trans. (1991) § 406 * In saying we are in immediate relation with God, the latter term is used only to designate the ''Whence'' of our spontaneous and receptive life, of which we become aware in our feeling of absolute dependence. ** [[Friedrich Schleiermacher]], in ''Theology of Schleiermacher'' (1911), pp. 121-122 *I can see him. I know that God is real. I know it in my heart. You can only believe in what you know to be [[Truth|true]]. You know your own truth. I know mine. Everyone should be able to find that within themselves... I want to live my life for God, and let other people take from that whatever they want. **[[Rachel Scott]], as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=kI4YwhBD7FgC&pg=PA149 ''No Easy Answers: The Truth Behind Death at Columbine''] (2002), by Brooks Brown and Rob Merritt, New York: Lantern Books, pp. 149&ndash;150 * '''I think the [[destiny]] of all men is not to sit in the rubble of their own making but to reach out for an ultimate [[perfection]] which is to be had. At the moment, it is a [[dream]]. But as of the [[moment]] we clasp hands with our neighbor, we build the first span to bridge the gap between the young and the old. At this hour, it’s a [[wish]]. But we have it within our [[power]] to make it a [[reality]]. If you want to prove that God is not [[dead]], first prove that [[man]] is [[alive]].''' ** [[Rod Serling]] seech at Moorpark College, Moorpark, California (3 December 1968) * You have in yourself some thing similar to God, and therefore use yourself as the temple of God, on account of that which in you resembles God. * The greatest honor which can be paid to God is to know and imitate him. * Consider lost all the time in which you do not think of divinity. * A good intellect is the choir of divinity. * You should not dare to speak of God to the multitude. * He who is worthy of God is also a god among men. * He best honors God who makes his intellect as like God as possible. ** [[Quintus Sextius]] ''[[w:Sentences of Sextus|Sentences of Sextus]]'' * '''We are all writing God's poem.''' ** [[Anne Sexton]], as quoted by [[Erica Jong]], in [http://www.guardian.co.uk/theguardian/2000/oct/26/features11.g2 "Into the lion's den" in ''The Guardian'' (26 October 2000)] * God is our fortress, in whose conquering name<br>Let us resolve to scale their flinty bulwarks. ** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry VI, Part 2|''Henry VI'', Part II]] (c. 1590-91), Act II, scene 1, line 26 * God shall be my hope,<br>My stay, my guide and lantern to my feet. ** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry VI, Part 2|''Henry VI'', Part II]] (c. 1590-91), Act II, scene 3, line 24 * And to add greater honours to his age<br>Than man could give him, he died fearing God. ** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Henry VIII (play)|Henry VIII]]'' ([[w:Henry VIII (play)#Date|c. 1613]]), Act IV, scene 2, line 67 * Had I but serv'd my God with half the zeal<br>I serv'd my king, He would not in mine age<br>Have left me naked to mine enemies. ** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Henry VIII (play)|Henry VIII]]'' ([[w:Henry VIII (play)#Date|c. 1613]]), Act III, scene 2, lines 455–57. Cardinal Wolsey is speaking to his servant, Cromwell. During the Watergate hearings on June 12, 1973, Senator Sam Ervin quoted these words to Herbert Porter. *Don't worry if you see God first, tell him shit got worse. **[[2Pac|Tupac Shakur]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-rHzG3moso "God Bless the Dead"] * Beware of the man whose god is in the skies. ** [[George Bernard Shaw]], ''Maxims for Revolutionists'', #83 * If he is infinitely good, what reason should we have to fear him?<br />If he is infinitely wise, why should we have doubts concerning our future?<br />If he knows all, why warn him of our needs and fatigue him with our prayers?<br />If he is everywhere, why erect temples to him?<br />If he is just, why fear that he will punish the creatures that he has filled with weaknesses? ** [[Percy Bysshe Shelley]], ''The Necessity of Atheism'' (1811) * [[Tacitus]] says, that the [[Jews]] held God to be something eternal and supreme, neither subject to change nor to decay; therefore, they permit no statues in their cities or their temples. The universal Being can only be described or defined by negatives which deny his subjection to the laws of all inferior existences. '''Where indefiniteness ends, idolatry and anthropomorphism begin.''' ** [[Percy Bysshe Shelley]], in ''Essay on Christianity'' (1859) * If we find great difficulty from its admirable arrangement in conceiving that the Universe has existed from all eternity, and to resolve this difficulty suppose a Creator, how much more clearly must we perceive the necessity of this very Creator’s creation whose perfections comprehend an arrangement far more accurate and just. ** [[Percy Bysshe Shelley]], ''Eusebes and Theosophus'' * Here was a beast for whom there could be no predator. What better definition of God is there than that? ** [[w:Lucius Shepard|Lucius Shepard]], ''Señor Volto'' (2003). Originally published in ''[[w:Sci Fiction|Sci Fiction]]'' (February 12, 2003). Reprinted in [[w:David G. Hartwell|David G. Hartwell]] (ed.), ''Year’s Best Fantasy 4'' (p. 349) * Doesn’t that sound like God to you? This big stupid, invulnerable thing that resembles us and whose creations are more intelligent than it is? The Bible left out that part, but it would explain a great deal. ** [[Lucius Shepard]], ''The Skinny Girl'' (2011), in [[w:Ellen Datlow|Ellen Datlow]] (ed.) ''Naked City'' (p. 453) [[File:Joseph Smith first vision stained glass.jpg|thumb|''For behold, this is my work and my glory — to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.'' ~ God as portrayed in the ''{{w|Book of Moses}}'' (1830), as dictated by [[Joseph Smith]], 1:39]] * For behold, this is my work and my glory — to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. ** God as portrayed in the ''{{w|Book of Moses}}'' (1830), as dictated by [[Joseph Smith]], 1:39 * The value of a mind is measured by the nature of the objects it habitually contemplates. They whose thoughts are of trifles are trifling: they who dwell with what is eternally true, good and fair, are like unto God. ** [[John Lancaster Spalding]], ''Aphorisms and Reflections'' (1901), p. 268 * '''By ''God'', I mean a being absolutely infinite — that is, a substance consisting in infinite attributes, of which each expresses eternal and infinite essentiality.''' <br> Explanation — I say absolutely infinite, not infinite after its kind: for, of a thing infinite only after its kind, infinite attributes may be denied; but '''that which is absolutely infinite, contains in its essence whatever expresses reality, and involves no negation.''' ** [[Baruch Spinoza]], in [[s:Ethics (Spinoza)|''Ethica Ordine Geometrico Demonstrata'' [''Ethics Geometrically Demonstrtated''] (1677)]], Definition 6 * '''Whatsoever is, is in God, and without God nothing can be, or be conceived.''' ** [[Baruch Spinoza]], in ''Ethica Ordine Geometrico Demonstrata'' (1677), Prop. 15 * '''God and all attributes of God are eternal.''' ** [[Baruch Spinoza]], in ''Ethica Ordine Geometrico Demonstrata'' (1677), Prop. 19 * '''Individual things are nothing but modifications of the attributes of God, or modes by which the attributes of God are expressed in a fixed and definite manner.''' ** Baruch Spinoza, in ''Ethica Ordine Geometrico Demonstrata'' (1677), Prop. 25 * '''God is the indwelling and not the transient cause of all things.''' ** Baruch Spinoza, in ''Ethica Ordine Geometrico Demonstrata'' (1677) * '''Things could not have been brought into being by God in any manner or in any order different from that which has in fact obtained.''' ** Baruch Spinoza, in ''Ethica Ordine Geometrico Demonstrata'' (1677) *"We are willing to worship a God only if God makes us safe. Thus you get the silly question, How does a good God let bad things happen to good people? Of course, it was a rabbi who raised that question, but Christians took it up as their own. Have you read the Psalms lately? We're seeing a much more complex God than that question gives credit for." ** [[Stanley Hauerwas]] from the Chronicle for Higher Education, The Chronicle Review, "A Complex God" September 28, 2001 ''The Chronicle Review'' Page: B6 * The [[universe]] is God’s son. ** [[Dejan Stojanovic]], ''The Sun Watches the Sun'' (1999) “God’s Son” (Sequence: “Is It Possible to Write a Poem”) == T == [[File:Brocken-tanzawa2.JPG|thumb|God is that infinite All of which man knows himself to be a finite part. <br> God alone exists truly. Man manifests Him in time, space and matter. ~ [[Leo Tolstoy]] ]] [[File:FDC-emb.jpg|thumb|God, from a beautiful [[necessity]], is [[Love]] in all he doeth, <br> Love, a brilliant fire, to gladden or consume... ~ [[Martin Farquhar Tupper]] ]] [[File:Mosaik-Ikone Christus der Barmherzige.jpg|thumb|Here below, God is the feeblest and most destitute of beings; his love, unlike that of idols, does not fill the carnal part of the soul. ~ [[Gustave Thibon]]]] * '''Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man.''' ** [[Rabindranath Tagore]], ''Stray Birds'' (1916); paraphrased variant: Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of humanity. * '''God seeks comrades and claims [[love]],<br>The devil seeks [[slaves]] and claims [[obedience]].''' ** [[Rabindranath Tagore]], ''Fireflies'' (1928) * It is a mistake to suppose that God is only, or even chiefly, concerned with religion. ** [[w:William Temple (bishop)|William Temple]], quoted in [[w:R. V. C. Bodley|R. V. C. Bodley]], ''In Search of Serenity'' (1955), ch. 12 * If God is truly powerful, He would not let this plague go on. ** [[Sheri S. Tepper]], ''[[w:Grass (novel)|Grass]]'' (1989), Chapter 11 * Here below, God is the feeblest and most destitute of beings; his love, unlike that of idols, does not fill the carnal part of the soul. ** [[Gustave Thibon]], Introduction to ''[[Gravity and Grace]]'' (1947), p. 22 * Man’s basic anxiety … drives the anxious subject to establish objects of fear. Anxiety strives to become fear, because fear can be met by courage. … Horror is ordinarily avoided by the transformation of anxiety into fear of something, no matter what. The human mind is not only, as [[John Calvin|Calvin]] has said, a permanent factory of idols, it is also a permanent factory of fears—the first in order to escape God, the second in order to escape anxiety. … But ultimately the attempts to transform anxiety into fear are vain. The basic anxiety, the anxiety of a finite being about the threat of nonbeing, cannot be eliminated. It belongs to existence itself. ** [[Paul Tillich]], ''The Courage To Be'' (1952), p. 39. * What, but God?<br>Inspiring God! who boundless Spirit all,<br>And unremitting Energy, pervades,<br>Adjusts, sustains, and agitates the whole. ** [[James Thomson (poet)|James Thomson]], ''The Seasons'', ''Spring'' (1728), line 849 *'''The word God has become empty of meaning through thousands of years of misuse... I mean that people who have never even glimpsed the realm of the sacred, the infinite vastness behind that word, use it with great conviction, as if they knew what they are talking about.''' Or they argue against it, as if they knew what it is that they are denying. This misuse gives rise to absurd beliefs, assertions, and egoic delusions, such as "My or our God is the only true God, and your God is false," or Nietzsche's famous statement "God is dead." The word God has become a closed concept. The moment the word is uttered, a mental image is created, no longer, perhaps, of an old man with a white beard, but still a mental representation of someone or something outside you, and, yes, almost inevitably a male someone or something. Neither God nor Being nor any other word can define or explain the ineffable reality behind the word, so the only important question is whether the word is a help or a hindrance in enabling you to experience That toward which it points. Does it point beyond itself to that transcendental reality, or does it lend itself too easily to becoming no more than an idea in your head that you believe in, a mental idol? **[[Eckhart Tolle]] in ''[[The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment]]'' (1997) p. 14 *A [[word]] is no more than a means to an end. Its an abstraction. Not unlike a signpost, it points beyond itself. The word honey isn't honey. You can study and talk about honey for as long as you like, but you won' t really know it until you taste it. After you have tasted it, the word becomes less important to you. You won't be attached to it anymore. Similarly, you can talk or think about [[God]] continuously for the rest of your life, but does that mean you know or have even glimpsed the reality to which the word points? **[[Eckhart Tolle]] in ''[[The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment]]'' (1997) p.71 *If, for whatever reason, you disliked the word honey, that might prevent you from ever tasting it. If you had a strong aversion to the word God which is a negative form of attachment, you may be denying not just the word but also the reality to which it points. You would be cutting yourself off from the possibility of experiencing that reality. All this is, of course, intrinsically connected with being identified with your mind. So, if a word doesn't work for you anymore, then drop it and replace it with one that does work. If you don't like the word [[sin]], then call it [[unconsciousness]] or [[insanity]]. That may get you closer to the truth, the reality behind the word, than a long-misused word like sin, and leaves little room for [[guilt]]. **[[Eckhart Tolle]] in ''[[The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment]]'' (1997) p.71 *It has been said:”Stillness is the language God speaks, and everything else is a bad translation.” Stillness is really another word for space. Becoming conscious of stillness whenever we encounter it in our lives will connect us with the formless and timeless dimension within ourselves, that which is beyond thought, beyond [[ego]]. **[[Eckhart Tolle]] in ''A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose,'' (2005) *“I want to know the mind of God,” Einstein said. “The rest are details.” What is the mind of God? Consciousness. What does it mean to know the mind of God? To be aware. What are the details? Your outer purpose, and whatever happens outwardly. **[[Eckhart Tolle]], in ''A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose'' (2005) *The word [[enthusiasm]] comes from ancient Greek – en and theos meaning God. And the related word enthousiazein means "to be possessed by a god.” With enthusiasm you will find that you don't have to do it all by yourself. In fact, there is nothing of significance that you can do by yourself. Sustained enthusiasm brings into existence a wave of creative energy, and all you have to do then is “ride the wave.” **[[Eckhart Tolle]], in ''A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose'' (2005) *What is [[God]]? The eternal One Life underneath all the forms of life. **[[Eckhart Tolle]] in [''A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose,'' p. 98, (2005) * '''Love is life. All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love.''' Everything is, everything exists, only because I love. Everything is united by it alone. Love is God, and to die means that I, a particle of love, shall return to the general and eternal source. ** [[Leo Tolstoy]] in ''[[w:War and Peace|War and Peace]]'' Bk XIII, Chapter 16 * '''God is that infinite All of which man knows himself to be a finite part. <br> God alone exists truly. Man manifests Him in time, space and matter.''' The more God's manifestation in man (life) unites with the manifestations (lives) of other beings, the more man exists. This union with the lives of other beings is accomplished through love. <br> God is not love, but the more there is of love, the more man manifests God, and the more he truly exists... <br> '''We acknowledge God only when we are conscious of His manifestation in us.''' ** [[Leo Tolstoy]] in his diary (1 November 1910) *'''Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying — but when God talks to us, we're said to be schizophrenic?''' **[[Lily Tomlin]], Contributions of Jane Wagner * To be right with God has often meant to be in trouble with men. ** [[A. W. Tozer]], ''Of God and Men'', p. 12 * I am what you call "The World". Or perhaps "The Universe". Or perhaps "God". Or perhaps "Truth". Or perhaps "Everything". Or perhaps "One". And, '''I am "You".''' ** [[Truth]] Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood *So what if a kid dies? God will take care of him. **[[Tamerlan Tsarnaev]], in April 2013, as quoted in [http://abcnews.go.com/US/boston-bombing-day-stunning-stop-killers-made-attack/story?id=38335067 "Boston Bombing Day 1: The Stunning Stop the Killers Made After the Attack"] (18 April 2016), by Brian Ross, ''ABC News'' * '''God, from a beautiful [[necessity]], is [[Love]] in all he doeth, <br> Love, a brilliant fire, to gladden or consume''': <br> The wicked work their woe by looking upon love, and hating it: <br>'''The righteous find their joys in yearning on its loveliness for ever.''' ** [[Martin Farquhar Tupper]], in "Of Immortality" in ''Proverbial Philosophy'' (1849) *[[Satan]]: There is no God, no universe, no human race, no earthly life, no heaven, no hell. It is all a Dream, a grotesque and foolish dream. Nothing exists but you. And You are but a Thought — a vagrant Thought, a useless Thought, a homeless Thought, wandering forlorn among the empty eternities. **[[Mark Twain]] ''[[w:The Mysterious Stranger|The Mysterious Stranger]]'' *Some one happened to mention to me that a certain [[Helena Blavatsky|Madame Blavatsky]] had just arrived in London, bringing with her a [[Theosophy|new religion]]... I asked her to explain her new religion... I explained to her my difficulties, which she proceeded to solve by expounding the doctrines of [[reincarnation]] and [[Karma]]. They jumped instantly to my reason. '''I there and then found the Just [[God]], of whom I had been in search.''' From that day to this I have never had reason to swerve from those beliefs. ** [[W:Violet Tweedale|Violet Tweedale]], [[Ghosts I Have Seen, and Other Psychic Experiences|''Ghosts I Have Seen, and Other Psychic Experiences'']], 1919 == U == [[File:1in god we trust.jpg|thumb|In God We Trust. ~ United States of America national motto]] [[File:US-original-Declaration-1776.jpg|thumb|[[w:All men are created equal|All men are created equal]], that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are [[w:Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness|Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness]]. ~ United States Declaration of Independence]] * '''In God We Trust.''' ** [[United States of America]] national motto, as well as ''E PLURIBUS UNUM'' *We hold these truths to be self-evident, that '''[[w:All men are created equal|all men are created equal]], that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are [[w:Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness|Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness]].'''--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed,--That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. ** [[w:United States Declaration of Independence|United States Declaration of Independence]] (July 4, 1776) == V == * I looked to find a man who walked with God,<br>Like the translated patriarch of old;— <br>Though gladdened millions on His footstool trod,<br>Yet none with him did such sweet converse hold;<br>I heard the wind in low complaint go by<br>That none his melodies like him could hear;<br>Day unto day spoke wisdom from on high,<br>Yet none like David turned a willing ear;<br>God walked alone unhonored through the earth;<br>For Him no heart-built temple open stood,<br>The soul forgetful of her nobler birth<br>Had hewn him lofty shrines of stone and wood,<br>And left unfinished and in ruins still<br>The only temple he delights to fill. ** [[Jones Very]], “Enoch” *The one [[idea]] the [[Hindu]] [[religions]] differ in from every other in the [[world]], the one idea to express which the [[sages]] almost exhaust the [[w:Vocabulary|vocabulary]] of the Sanskrit language, is that man must realise God even in this [[life]]. **[[Swami Vivekananda]] in: ''[https://books.google.co.in/books?id=kQCNAwAAQBAJ&pg=PA405 The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda [ Volume 4 ] ],'' Kartindo.com, p. 405. * '''I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: "O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous." And God granted it.''' ** [[Voltaire]], in a letter to Étienne Noël Damilaville (16 May 1767) * "If God did not exist, He would have to be invented." But all nature cries aloud that he does exist: that there is a supreme intelligence, an immense power, an admirable order, and everything teaches us our own dependence on it. ** Voltaire quoting himself in a letter to Prince Frederick William of Prussia (28 November 1770), as quoted in ''Voltaire in His Letters'' (1919) by [[Evelyn Beatrice Hall|S. G. Tallentyre (Evelyn Beatrice Hall)]] * I cannot imagine how the clockwork of the universe can exist without a clockmaker. ** [[Voltaire]], as quoted in ''More Random Walks in Science : An Anthology'' (1982) by Robert L. Weber, p. 65 * '''Take Care of the People, and God Almighty Will Take Care of Himself.''' ** [[Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.]] in ''[[w:The Sirens of Titan|The Sirens of Titan]]'' (1959) * If I should ever die, God forbid, let this be my epitaph:<br>&emsp; THE ONLY PROOF HE NEEDED<br>&emsp; FOR THE EXISTENCE OF GOD<br>&emsp; WAS MUSIC. ** [[Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.]], [http://www.commondreams.org/views06/0205-29.htm "Vonnegut's Blues for America"], ''[[w:Sunday Herald|Sunday Herald]]'' (5 February 2006) * It is the final proof of God's omnipotence that he need not exist in order to save us. ** [[w:Peter De Vries|Peter De Vries]], ''The Mackerel Plaza'' (1958), p. 8. == W == [[File:Rosace.jpg|thumb|To believe that the desire for good is always fulfilled — that is faith, and whoever has it is not an atheist. ~ [[Simone Weil]] ]] [[File:Дервиш руми.jpg|thumb|Dear God … Everyone I [[know]] admits they’ve never seen your [[face]], they’re not sure where you [[live]] and have no map to [[Kingdom of God|the place]]. ~ [[Dawud Wharnsby]] ]] [[File:The Storm Spirits.jpg|thumb|"[[w:Elohim|Elohim]]," the name for the creative power in ''[[w:Book of Genesis|Genesis]]'', is a female plural, a fact that generations of learned rabbis and Christian theologians have all explained as merely grammatical convention. The King James and most other Bibles translate it as "God," but if you take the grammar literally, it seems to mean "goddesses." [[w:El Shaddai|Al Shaddai]], god of battles, appears later, and [[w:Tetragrammaton|YHWH]], mispronounced Jehovah, later still. ~ [[Robert Anton Wilson]] ]] [[File:US Navy 060608-N-6501M-005 The U.S. Military Sealift Command (MSC) Hospital ship USNS Mercy (T-AH 19), anchored off of the coast of Jolo City.jpg|thumb|I prefer to say that nature is the only body of God that we shall ever see. If we wish to know the truth concerning anything, we'll find it in the nature of that thing. ~ [[Frank Lloyd Wright]] ]] * Don't you know there ain't no devil? There's only God when He's drunk. **[[Tom Waits]], in "[[w:Heartattack and Vine (song)|Heartattack and Vine]]" on ''[[w:Heartattack and Vine|Heartattack and Vine]]'' (1980) * '''God's greatness and goodness are measured by the fact that he gives us choices.''' He doesn't require us to thank him for our food. (In case you hadn't noticed.) God is not a Modernist. He doesn't view us as nails. God expects us to behave like carpenters. Indeed, he gave us a carpenter as an example. <br> So I think God is postmodern. '''He has his own ideas of what rules, and what sucks, and he doesn't expect everyone else to agree with him.''' ** [[Larry Wall]] in [http://www.perl.com/pub/a/1999/03/pm.html "Perl, the first postmodern computer language" (9 March 1999)] * For modern man, … pride reveals itself in impatience, which is an unwillingness to bear the pain of discipline. … In effect his becomes a deification of his own will; man is not making himself like a god but is taking himself as he is and putting himself in the place of God. ** [[Richard Weaver]], ''Ideas Have Consequences'' (Chicago: 1948), p. 183 * The first thing that we know about ourselves is our imperfection. : This is what [[Descartes]] meant when he said: 'I know God before I know myself.' : The only mark of God in us is that we feel that we are not God. :* [[Simone Weil]], ''Lectures on Philosophy'' (1959), p. 90 * In order to obey God, one must receive his commands. How did it happen that I received them in adolescence, while I was professing atheism? '''To believe that the desire for good is always fulfilled — that is faith, and whoever has it is not an atheist.''' ** [[Simone Weil]], ''Last Notebook'' (1942) * '''No human being escapes the necessity of conceiving some good outside himself towards which his thought turns in a movement of desire, supplication, and hope. consequently, the only choice is between worshipping the true God or an idol.''' Every atheist is an idolater — unless he is worshipping the true God in his impersonal aspect. '''The majority of the pious are idolaters.''' ** [[Simone Weil]], ''Last Notebook'' (1942) * '''There are two atheisms of which one is a purification of the notion of God.''' ** [[Simone Weil]], as quoted in ''The New Christianity'' (1967) edited by William Robert Miller * '''No man — prince, peasant, pope, — has all the light, who says else is a mountebank. I claim no private lien on truth, only a liberty to seek it, prove it in debate, and to be wrong a thousand times to reach a single rightness.''' It is that liberty they fear. They want us to be driven to God like sheep, not running to him like lovers, shouting joy!" ** [[Morris West]], in his play about [[Giordano Bruno]], ''''The Heretic'' (1968) * Ever since the Greeks, we have been drunk with language! '''We have made a cage with words and shoved our God inside!''' ** [[Morris West]], ''The Heretic'' (1968) * '''If God be God and man a creature made in image of the divine intelligence, his noblest function is the search for truth.''' ** [[Morris West]], ''The Heretic'' (1968) * '''Once you accept the existence of God — however you define him, however you explain your relationship to him — then you are caught forever with his presence in the center of all things.''' You are also caught with the fact that man is a creature who walks in two worlds and traces upon the walls of his cave the wonders and the nightmare experiences of his spiritual pilgrimage. ** [[Morris West]], ''The Clowns of God'' (1981) * To assume that one’s existential task is completed when the individual is brought into right relation with society, that is, when the individual has been socialized, is to absolutize society and confuse society with God. ** [[Merold Westphal]], ''Kierkegaard’s Critique of Reason and Society'', p. 35 * Dear God I've heard your [[name]] from [[teachers]], [[family]] and friends, you made the [[universe]] and so will live on when it [[ends]]. '''Everyone I know admits they’ve never seen your [[face]], they’re not sure where you [[live]] and have no map [[Kingdom of God|to the place]].''' ** [[Dawud Wharnsby]], in "Dear God", in ''A Picnic of Poems in Allah's Green Garden'' (2011) * No reason can be given for the nature of God, because that nature is the ground of rationality. ** [[Alfred North Whitehead]], ''Science and the Modern World'' (1925), Chapter XI. New York: Mentor Books, 1948, p. 179 * The worship of God is not a rule of safety—it is an adventure of the spirit, a flight after the unattainable. The death of religion comes with the repression of the high hope of adventure. ** [[Alfred North Whitehead]], ''Science and the Modern World'' (1925), Chapter XII. New York: Mentor Books, 1948, p. 192 *'''Lucifer''': God? God is love. I don't love you. ** Gregory Widen, [[The Prophecy]] * ''I sit and talk to God<br>And he just laughs at my plans'' ** [[Robbie Williams]] and {{w|Guy Chambers}}, ''[[W:Feel (Robbie Williams song)|Feel]]'', ''[[W:Escapology (album)|Escapology]]'' (18 November 2002) * '''All your Western theologies, the whole mythology of them, are based on the concept of God as a senile delinquent.''' ** [[Tennessee Williams]], ''The Night of the Iguana'' (1963) *''' "{{w|Elohim}}," the name for the creative power in ''[[Book of Genesis|Genesis]]'', is a female plural, a fact that generations of learned rabbis and Christian theologians have all explained as merely grammatical convention.''' The King James and most other Bibles translate it as "God," but if you take the grammar literally, it seems to mean "[[goddesses]]." [[w:El Shaddai|Al Shaddai]], god of battles, appears later, and [[w:Tetragrammaton|YHWH]], mispronounced Jehovah, later still. ** [[Robert Anton Wilson]], ''Everything Is Under Control : Conspiracies, Cults, and Cover-Ups'' (1998), p. 197 * To believe in a God means to understand the question about the meaning of life. <br> To believe in a God means to see that the facts of the world are not the end of the matter. <br> To believe in God means to see that life has a meaning. ** [[Ludwig Wittgenstein]] Journal entry (8 July 1916), p. 74e * I believe in God, only I spell it "[[Nature]]". ** [[Frank Lloyd Wright]], ''Quote'' magazine (14 August 1966) * '''God is the great mysterious motivator of what we call nature and it has been said often by philosophers, that nature is the will of God.''' And, I prefer to say that nature is the only body of God that we shall ever see. '''If we wish to know the truth concerning anything, we'll find it in the nature of that thing.''' ** Frank Lloyd Wright, quoted in ''Truth Against the World : Frank Lloyd Wright speaks for an organic architecture'' (1987) edited by Patrick J. Meehan * Maybe the growth of "God" signifies the existence of God. That is: if history naturally pushes people toward moral improvement, toward moral growth, and their God, as they conceive their God, grows accordingly, becoming morally richer, then maybe this growth is evidence of some higher purpose, and maybe — conceivably — the source of that purpose is worthy of the name divinity.[… I]f it is a natural outgrowth of history — then it is more likely that this "growth of God" signifies the existence of God, or at least the existence of something you might call divine, however unlike ancient conceptions of God. ** [[Robert Wright]], ''[[w:The Evolution of God|The Evolution of God]]'' (2009). New York: Little, Brown and Company, pp. 286–7 * Is God love? Like all characterizations of God, this one presumes more insight than I feel in possession of. But there's certainly something to the idea that love is connected to, indeed emanates from, the kind of God whose existence is being surmised here.<br>The connection comes via love's connection to the moral order of which that God is the source. The moral order has revealed itself through ever-widening circles of [[w:Nonzero: The Logic of Human Destiny|non-zero-sumness]] that draw people toward the moral truth that mutual respect is warranted. As we saw […], it is the moral imagination whose growth often paves the way for that truth, and it does so through the extension of a kind of sympathy, a subjective identification with the situation of the other. And as sympathy intensifies it approaches love. Love, you might say, is the apotheosis of the moral imagination; it can foster the most intimate identification with the other, the most intense appreciation of the moral worth of the other. ** [[Robert Wright]], ''The Evolution of God'' (2009), p. 456 == X == == Y == *They who deny God have not seen Him. **[[Agni Yoga]], '' Leaves of Morya’s Garden: Book One: The Call'', 12, (1924) *The gods of all pagan faiths have been allied with the rich rulers. The priests of most religions are the employees of the landowners. But the God of Israel has always claimed to be with the poor—whether in the legislation of [[Deuteronomy]], the words of the [[prophets]], or the experiences of the [[New Testament]]. Our God is on the side of the poor. ** [[John Howard Yoder]], ''Radical Christian Discipleship'', p. 41 * A God all mercy is a God unjust. ** [[Edward Young]], ''Night Thoughts'' (1742-1745), Night IV, line 234 * By night an atheist half believes in God. ** Edward Young, ''Night Thoughts'' (1742-1745), Night V, line 177 * A Deity believed, is joy begun;<br>A Deity adored, is joy advanced;<br>A Deity beloved, is joy matured.<br>Each branch of piety delight inspires. ** Edward Young, ''Night Thoughts'' (1742-1745), Night VIII, line 720 * A God alone can comprehend a God. ** Edward Young, ''Night Thoughts'' (1742-1745), Night LX, line 835 * Thou, my all!<br>My theme! my inspiration! and my crown!<br>My strength in age—my rise in low estate!<br>My souls ambition, pleasure, wealth!—my world!<br>My light in darkness! and my life in death!<br>My boast through time! bliss through eternity!<br>Eternity, too short to speak thy praise!<br>Or fathom thy profound of love to man! ** Edward Young, ''Night Thoughts'' (1742-1745), Night IV, line 586 == Z == * '''Arthur Frayn:''' "And you, poor creatures, who conjured you out of the clay? Is God in show business, too?" ** [[Zardoz]] (1974) == ''[[Bible]]'' == :<small>[[Wikisource:Bible|''The Bible'' on Wikisource]]</small> [[File:Domenico Fetti 004.jpg|thumb|Thou shalt be perfect with the Lord thy God. ~ [[Moses]]]] [[File:Nicolò barabino, profeta isaia, studio per affresco nella chiesa di s.m. dell'assunta a genova sestri.jpg|thumb|As the [[heavens]] are higher than the [[earth]], so are my ways higher than your ways, and my [[thoughts]] than your thoughts. ~ [[Isaiah]]]] [[File:Guercino Padreterno.jpg|thumb|God is [[love]]. Whoever [[lives]] in love lives in God, and God in him. ~ [[John the Evangelist]]]] [[File:Albert_Edelfelt_-_Christ_and_Mary_Magdalene.jpg|thumb|God is not a [[man]]. ~ [[w:Balaam|Balaam]]]] * In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. ** [[Genesis]] [[W:Genesis 1|1:1]] * We ought to obey God rather than men. ** [[Acts of the Apostles]] [[W:Acts 5|5:29]] * '''God is not a man''', that he should lie; neither the son of man, that he should repent: hath he said, and shall he not do it? or hath he spoken, and shall he not make it good? ** [[w:Balaam|Balaam, son of Beor]] in ''[[Book of Numbers|Numbers]]'' 23:19 * Ye men of Athens, I perceive that in all things ye are too superstitious. For as I passed by, and beheld your devotions, I found an altar with this inscription, TO THE UNKNOWN GOD. Whom therefore ye ignorantly worship, him declare I unto you. ** [[Paul of Tarsus]] in [[Acts of the Apostles]] [[W:Acts 17|17:22-23]] * Thine, O Lord is the greatness, and the power, and the glory, and the victory, and the majesty: for all that is in the heaven and in the earth is thine; thine is the kingdom, O Lord, and thou art exalted as head above all. Both riches and honour come of thee, and thou reignest over all; and in thine hand is power and might; and in thine hand it is to make great, and to give strength unto all. Now therefore, our God, we thank thee, and praise thy glorious name. ** [[w:Book of Chronicles|1 Chronicles]] 29:11-13 * God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things that are mighty. ** {{w|1 Corinthians 1}}:27 * I have planted, Apollos watered; but God gave the increase. ** {{w|1 Corinthians 3}}:6 * The hair of his head was like clean wool. His throne was flames of fire; its wheels were a burning fire. There was a stream of fire flowing and going out from before him. There were a thousand thousands that kept ministering to him, and ten thousand times ten thousand that kept standing right before him. The Court took its seat, and there were books that were opened. ** [[Daniel]], [[Book of Daniel]] [[W:Daniel 7|7:9-10]] * None can hope in God but those who know his name. ** [[David]], [[Psalms|Psalm]] [[w:Psalm 9|9:10]], as cited in {{w|Institutes of the Christian Religion}} * How many things you have done, :O Jehovah my God, :Your wonderful works and your thoughts toward us. :None can compare to you; :If I were to try to tell and speak of them, :They would be too numerous to recount! :* [[David]], [[Psalms|Psalm]] [[W:Psalm 40|40:5]], [[NWT]] * Yes, God is greater than we can know; :The number of his years is beyond comprehension. :He draws up the drops of [[water]]; :They condense into rain from his mist; :Then the [[cloud]]s pour it down; :They shower down upon mankind. :* [[w:Elihu (Job)|E·li′hu]], [[Book of Job]], 36:26-28, [[NWT]] * And the LORD said unto him, "'''Who hath made man's mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the LORD?''' Now therefore go, and I will be with thy mouth, and teach thee what thou shalt say." ** ''[[Book of Exodus|Exodus]]'' 4:11-12 ([[King James Version]]) * God said unto [[Moses]], I AM THAT I AM: and he said, Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Israel, I AM hath sent me unto you. ** ''[[Book of Exodus|Exodus]]'' 3:14 ([[King James Version]]) ** Variant: God said to Moses, 'I will be what I will be' * Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain. ** [[Book of Exodus|Exodus]] 20:7, ([[KJV]]) ** Similar phrase: "Keep yourselves from evil to take the name of the Lord in vain, for I am the Lord your God, even the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham and of Isaac and of Jacob." ** {{w|Doctrine and Covenants}} 136:21 * See now that '''I, even I, am He, and there is no god besides Me: I kill, and I make alive; I wound, and I heal: neither is there any that can deliver out of My hand'''. For I lift up My hand to heaven, and say, I live for ever. If I whet My glittering sword, and Mine hand take hold on judgment; I will render vengeance to Mine enemies, and will reward them that hate Me. ** ''[[Book of Deuteronomy|Deuteronomy]]'' 32:39-41 * I am the LORD, and there is none else, there is no God beside me: I girded thee, though thou hast not known me: That they may know from the rising of the sun, and from the west, that there is none beside me. I am the LORD, and there is none else. I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create calamity: I the LORD do all these things. ** ''[[Isaiah]]'' [[W:Isaiah 45|45:5-7]] ([[King James Version]]) ** Variant: I am the Lord and there is no other. Who forms light and creates darkness, Who makes peace and creates calamity; I am the Lord, who makes all these. * As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. ** [[Isaiah]] [[W:Isaiah 55#Verse 9|55:9]] [[KJV]] * '''You cannot serve both God and [[w:Mammon|Mammon]].''' **[[Jesus]], ''[[Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]]'' [[W:Matthew 6:24|6:24]] * God is greater than we can know; The number of his years is beyond comprehension. ** [[Book of Job|Job]] 36:26, [[New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures]] * '''God is [[light]]; in him there is no [[darkness]] at [[all]].''' ** {{w|John the Apostle}} in {{w|1 John}} 1:5 * For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life ** {{w|John the Apostle}}, in {{w|John}} 3:16 * '''God is [[love]]. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.''' ** {{w|John the Apostle}} in {{w|1 John}} 4:16 * You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might. Keep these words that I am commanding you today in your heart. Recite them to your children and talk about them when you are at home and when you are away, when you lie down and when you rise. Bind them as a sign on your hand, fix them as an emblem on your forehead, and write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. ** [[Moses]], [[Book of Deuteronomy|Deuteronomy]] 6:5-9 [[w:New Revised Standard Version|NRSV]] * Thou shalt be perfect with the Lord thy God. ** [[Moses]], [[Book of Deuteronomy|Deuteronomy]] 18:13 [[King James Version|KJV]] * For the invisible things of him since the creation of the [[world]] are clearly seen, being perceived through the things that are made, even his everlasting [[power]] and divinity; that they may be without excuse. ** [[Paul of Tarsus]] in ''[[w:Epistle to the Romans|Romans]]'' 1:20 (ASV) * '''What if some did not believe? shall their unbelief make the [[faith]] of God without effect? God forbid: yea, let God be true, but every man a liar'''; as it is written, That thou mightest be justified in thy sayings, and mightest overcome when thou art judged. <br> But if our unrighteousness commend the righteousness of God, what shall we say? Is God unrighteous who taketh vengeance? (I speak as a man) God forbid: for then how shall God judge the world? For if the truth of God hath more abounded through my lie unto his glory; why yet am I also judged as a sinner? And not rather, (as we be slanderously reported, and as some affirm that we say,) Let us do evil, that good may come? whose damnation is just. ** [[Paul of Tarsus]] in [[Romans]] [[W:Romans 3|3:3-8]] * '''We conclude that a man is justified by faith without the deeds of the [[law]].''' ''Is he'' the God of the Jews only? ''is he'' not also of the Gentiles? Yes, of the Gentiles also: Seeing ''it is'' one God, which shall justify the circumcision by faith, and uncircumcision through faith. <br> '''Do we then make void the law through faith? God forbid: yea, we establish the law.''' ** [[Paul of Tarsus]], ''Romans'' [[W:Romans 3|3:19-31]] * O the depth of God’s riches and [[wisdom]] and [[knowledge]]! How unsearchable his judgments are and beyond tracing out his ways are! For “who has come to know Jehovah's mind, or who has become his [[adviser]]?” Or, “who has first given to him, so that it must be repaid to him?” Because from him and by him and for him are all things. To him be the glory forever. Amen. ** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[Romans]] [[W:Romans 11|11:33-36]], [[New World Translation]] * [[Fear]] God. [[Honour]] the [[King]]. ** {{w|1 Peter 2}}:17 * The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament showeth his handiwork. ** {{w|Psalms 19}}:1 * He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. ** {{w|Psalms 23}}:2 * '''God is our refuge and [[strength]], a very present help in trouble. '''Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the [[mountains]] shake with the swelling thereof. ** ''[[Psalms]]'' [[W:Psalm 46|46:1 - 3]] * There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High. God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early. <br> The heathen raged, the kingdoms were moved: he uttered his voice, the earth melted. <br> The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. ** ''[[Psalms]]'' [[W:Psalm 46|46:4 - 7]] * The [[fool]] says in his [[heart]] "There is no God". ** ''[[Psalms]]'' [[W:Psalm 53|53:1]] * I had rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God, than to dwell in the tents of wickedness. ** {{w|Psalm 84}}:10 ** Variant: "For I would rather be a servant in the House of the Lord than to sit in the seats of the mighty." ** By {{w|Alben W. Barkley}}, addressed to a mock Democratic convention, Washington and Lee University, Lexington, Virginia (April 30, 1956), reported in ''Memorial Services Held in the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States, Together with Remarks Presented in Eulogy of Alben William Barkley, Late a Senator from Kentucky'' (1956), p. 106. * If God be for us, who can be against us? ** [[Romans]] [[W:Romans 8|8:31]] * There is no respect of persons with God. ** Romans, 2:11; Acts 10:34 * But will God really dwell with mankind on the [[earth]]? Look! The heavens, yes, the heaven of the [[heaven]]s, cannot contain you; how much less, then, this house that I have built! ** [[Solomon]], 2 [[W:Books of Chronicles|Chronicles]] 6:18, [[NWT]] ==''[[Quran]]''== [[File:EMİRSULTAN CAMİİ BURSA - panoramio.jpg|thumb|O [[mankind]], It is you that have need of God, and God is the [[Self-sufficiency|Self-Sufficient]], the [[Praised]] [[Kenosis|One]]. If He please, He will remove you and bring a new [[creation]]. And this is not hard for God. ~ [[Quran]]]] :<small>[[Wikisource:Quran|''The Quran'' on Wikisource]]</small> {{Main|Allah}} * And (mention, O [[Muhammad]]), when your Lord said to the [[angels]], "Indeed, I will make upon the earth a successive [[authority]]." They said, "Will You place upon it one who causes [[corruption]] therein and sheds [[blood]], while we declare Your [[praise]] and [[sanctification|sanctify]] You?" He said: Surely, '''I know what you know not.''' ** {{w|Al-Baqara}} 30 *He said: Do you then [[understand]] what you [[worship]] -- You and your forefathers? -- Surely they are abhorrence to me, except the [[Lord]] of the [[worlds]],<br/>Who created me, then He [[guides]] me the way,<br/>And Who provides me sustenance to [[eat]] and to [[drink]],<br/>And when I am [[sick]], it is He who [[heals]] me,<br/>And Who will cause me to [[die]], and will [[resurrect]] me,<br/>And Who, I [[hope]], will [[forgive]] me and my [[mistakes]] on the Day of Judgment. **[[Abraham]], [[w:Ash-Shu'ara|Ash-Shu'ara]] 75-82 * [[w:God in Islam|God]]! [[W:Tawhid|There is no god but He]], — the [[Living]], the Self-subsisting, [[Eternal]]. No slumber can seize Him nor [[sleep]]. His are [[all]] [[things]] in the heavens and on earth. Who is there that can intercede in His [[presence]] except as He permitteth? he knoweth what before or after or behind them. Nor shall they compass aught of His knowledge except as He willeth. His [[Throne]] doth extend over the heavens and the earth, and He feeleth no fatigue in [[guard|guarding]] and [[perversity|preserving]] them for He is the Most High, the Supreme. ** {{w|Al-Baqara 255}}, translated by {{w|Arthur John Arberry}} in ''{{w|The Koran Interpreted}}'' (1955). * If God helps you, there is none that can overcome you; and if He forsakes you, who is there that can [[help]] you? ** [[W:Ali-Imran|Sūrat Ali-Imran]] 3:159 * The [[Inventor]] of the heavens and the earth. How could He have a son when He has no consort? And He created everything, and all things He knows. ** [[W:Al-Anam|Sūrat Al-An'am]] 6:101 * Say: "Who is it that sustains you (in life) from the sky and from the earth? or who is it that has power over hearing and sight? And who is it that brings out the living from the [[Death|dead]] and (brings out) the dead from the living? and who is it that rules and regulates all affairs?" They will soon say, "God". Say, "will ye not then show piety (to Him)?" such is God, your true Lord; nothing apart from the truth, but error. How then are ye turned away? ** [[W:Yunus (sura)|Sūrat Yunus]] 10:31-32 * Seest thou him who takes his own [[desire]] as his [[deity|god]], and God leaves him in [[error]] knowingly, and seals his [[hearing]] and his [[heart]] and puts a covering on his [[sight]]? Who can then guide him after God? Will you not reflect? ** [[W:Al-Jathiyah|Sūrat Al-Jathiyah]] 45:23 * O mankind, It is you that have need of God, and God is the [[Self-sufficiency|Self-Sufficient]], the [[Praised]] [[Kenosis|One]]. If He please, He will remove you and bring a new [[creation]]. And this is not hard for God. ** [[W:Fatir|Sūrat Fatir]] 35:15-17 * There is no god but The God. ** [[W:Muhammad (surah)|Sūrat Muḥammad]] 47:19 == ''[[Book of Mormon]]'' == :<small>[[Wikisource:Book of Mormon|''The Book of Mormon'' on Wikisource]]</small> * Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain. ** [[w:Book of Mosiah|Mosiah]] 13:15 * And again, the Lord God hath commanded that men should not murder; that they should not lie; that they should not steal; that they should not take the name of the Lord their God in vain; that they should not envy; that they should not have malice; that they should not contend one with another; that they should not commit whoredoms; and that they should do none of these things; for whoso doeth them shall perish. ** {{w|2 Nephi}} 26:32 ==''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''== :<small>Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 315-21.</small> * ''Homo cogitat, Deus indicat.'' ** Man thinks, God directs. ** [[Alcuin]], ''Epistles'' * At Athens, wise men propose, and fools dispose. ** [[Anacharsis]] * Man says—"So, so."<br>Heaven says—"No, no." ** Chinese Aphorism * God's Wisdom and God's Goodness!—Ah, but fools<br>Mis-define thee, till God knows them no more.<br>Wisdom and goodness they are God!—what schools<br>Have yet so much as heard this simpler lore.<br>This no Saint preaches, and this no Church rules:<br>'Tis in the desert, now and heretofore. ** [[Matthew Arnold]], ''The Divinity'', Stanza 3 * They that deny a God destroy man's nobility; for certainly man is of kin to the beasts by his body; and, if he be not of kin to God by his spirit, he is a base and ignoble creature. ** [[Francis Bacon]], ''Essays'', ''Of Atheism'' * From thee all human actions take their springs,<br>The rise of empires, and the fall of kings. ** [[w:Samuel Boyse|Samuel Boyse]], ''The Deity'' * O Rock of Israel, Rock of Salvation, Rock struck and cleft for me, let those two streams of blood and water which once gushed out of thy side … bring down with them salvation and holiness into my soul. ** [[w:Daniel Brevint|Brevint]], ''Works'' (Ed. 1679), p. 17 * He made little, too little of sacraments and priests, because God was so intensely real to him. What should he do with lenses who stood thus full in the torrent of the sunshine. ** [[Phillips Brooks]], ''Sermons'', ''The Seriousness of Life'' * It never frightened a Puritan when you bade him stand still and listen to the speech of God. His closet and his church were full of the reverberations of the awful, gracious, beautiful voice for which he listened. ** [[Phillips Brooks]], ''Sermons'', ''The Seriousness of Life'' * Of what I call God,<br>And fools call Nature. ** [[Robert Browning]], ''The Ring and the Book'', ''The Pope'', line 1,073 * A picket frozen on duty—<br> A mother starved for her brood—<br>Socrates drinking the hemlock,<br> And Jesus on the rood;<br>And millions who, humble and nameless,<br> The straight, hard pathway trod—<br>Some call it Consecration,<br> And others call it God. ** [[w:William Herbert Carruth|W. H. Carruth]], ''Evolution'' * ''Nihil est quod deus efficere non possit.'' ** There is nothing which God cannot do. ** [[Cicero]], ''De Divinatione'', II. 41 * God! sing, ye meadow-streams, with gladsome voice!<br>Ye pine-groves, with your soft and soul-like sounds!<br>And they too have a voice, yon piles of snow,<br>And in their perilous fall shall thunder, God! ** [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge]], ''Hymn before Sunrise in the Vale of Chamouni'' * God moves in a mysterious way<br> His wonders to perform;<br>He plants his footsteps in the sea<br> And rides upon the storm. ** [[William Cowper]], ''Hymn'', ''Light Shining out of Darkness'' * There is a God! the sky his presence shares,<br> His hand upheaves the billows in their mirth,<br>Destroys the mighty, yet the humble spares<br> And with contentment crowns the thought of worth. ** [[w:Charlotte Cushman|Charlotte Cushman]], ''There is a God'' * My God, my Father, and my Friend,<br>Do not forsake me in the end. ** [[Wentworth Dillon]], translation of ''Dies Iræ'' * 'Twas much, that man was made like God before:<br>But, that God should be made like man, much more. ** [[John Donne]], ''Holy Sonnets'', Sonnet XXII * By tracing Heaven his footsteps may be found:<br>Behold! how awfully he walks the round!<br>God is abroad, and wondrous in his ways<br>The rise of empires, and their fall surveys. ** [[John Dryden]], ''Britannia Rediviva'', line 75 * Too wise to err, too good to be unkind,—<br>Are all the movements of the Eternal Mind. ** Rev. [[John East]], ''Songs of My Pilgrimage'' * God is divine Principle, supreme incorporeal Being, Mind, Spirit, Soul, Life, Truth, Love. ** [[Mary Baker Eddy]], ''Science and Health'', Chapter XIV. Ed. 1906, p. 465 * There is no life, truth, intelligence, nor substance in matter. All is infinite Mind, and its infinite manifestation, for God is All in All. Spirit is immortal Truth; Matter is mortal error. ** [[Mary Baker Eddy]], ''Science and Health'', Chapter XIV. Ed. 1906, p. 468 * When the Master of the universe has points to carry in his government he impresses his will in the structure of minds. ** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''Letters and Social Aims'' (1876), ''Immortality'' * He was a wise man who originated the idea of God. ** [[Euripides]], ''Sisyphus'' * Henceforth the Majesty of God revere;<br>Fear him and you have nothing else to fear. ** [[Fordyce]], ''Answer to a Gentleman who Apologized to the Author for Swearing'' * ''Wie einer ist, so ist sein Gott,<br>Darum ward Gott so oft zu Spott.'' ** As a man is, so is his God; therefore God was so often an object of mockery. ** [[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]], ''Gedichte'' * I know<br>My God commands, whose power no power resists. ** [[Robert Greene (dramatist)|Robert Greene]], ''Looking-Glass for London and England'' * Some men treat the God of their fathers as they treat their father's friend. They do not deny him; by no means: they only deny themselves to him, when he is good enough to call upon them. ** J. C. and A. W. Hare, ''Guesses at Truth'' * I askt the seas and all the deeps below<br> My God to know,<br>I askt the reptiles, and whatever is <br> In the abyss;<br>Even from the shrimps to the leviathan<br> Enquiry ran;<br>But in those deserts that no line can sound<br>The God I sought for was not to be found. ** [[Thomas Heywood]], ''Searching after God'' * Forgetful youth! but know, the Power above<br>With ease can save each object of his love;<br>Wide as his will, extends his boundless grace. ** [[Homer]], ''The Odyssey'', Book III, line 285. Pope's translation * O thou, whose certain eye foresees<br>The fix'd event of fate's remote decrees. ** [[Homer]], ''The Odyssey'', Book IV, line 627. Pope's translation * Dangerous it were for the feeble brain of man to wade far into the doings of the Most High; whom although to know be life, and joy to make mention of his name, yet our soundest knowledge is to know that we know him not as indeed he is, neither can know him; and our safest eloquence concerning him is our silence, when we confess without confession that his glory is inexplicable, his greatness above our capacity and reach. ** [[Hooker]], ''Ecclesiastical Polity'', Book I, Chapter II. 3 * But if the sky were paper and a scribe each star above,<br>And every scribe had seven hands, they could not write all my love. ** ''Dürsli und Bäbeli''; old public house ditty of the Canton de Soleure or Solothurn. Original in Swiss dialect. Given in ''Notes and Queries'' (Feb. 10, 1872), p. 114 * From thee, great God, we spring, to thee we tend,—<br>Path, motive, guide, original, and end. ** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''Motto to The Rambler'', No. 7 * The sun and every vassal star,<br> All space, beyond the soar of angel's wings,<br>Wait on His word: and yet He stays His car<br> For every sigh a contrite suppliant brings. ** [[John Keble]], ''The Christian Year'', ''Ascension Day'' * ''Nam homo proponit, sed Deus disponit.'' ** Man proposes, but God disposes. ** [[Thomas à Kempis]], ''Imitation of Christ'', Book I, Chapter XIX. Thomas Dibdin's translation * O God, I am thinking Thy thoughts after Thee. ** [[Johannes Kepler]], when studying astronomy * All but God is changing day by day. ** [[Charles Kingsley]], ''The Saints' Tragedy'', ''Prometheus'' * ''L'impossibilité où je suis de prouver que Dieu n'est pas, me decouvre son existence.'' ** The very impossibility in which I find myself to prove that God is not, discloses to me His existence. ** [[Jean de La Bruyère]], ''Les Caractères'', XVI * ''Sire, je n'avais besoin de cet hypothèse.'' ** Sire, I had no need for that hypothesis. ** [[La Place]] to [[Napoleon]], who asked why God was not mentioned in ''Traite de la Méchanique Céleste'' * ''Denn Gott lohnt Gutes, hier gethan, auch hier noch.'' ** For God rewards good deeds done here below—rewards them here. ** [[Gotthold Ephraim Lessing]], ''Nathan der Weise'', I, 2 * "We trust, Sir, that God is on our side." "It is more important to know that we are on God's side." ** [[Abraham Lincoln]], reply to deputation of Southerners during Civil War * God had sifted three kingdoms to find the wheat for this planting. ** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''The Courtship of Miles Standish'', IV * ''Estne dei sedes nisi terra et pontus et aër<br>Et cœlum et virtus? Superos quid quærimus ultra?<br>Jupiter est quodcumque vides, quodcumque moveris.'' ** Is there any other seat of the Divinity than the earth, sea, air, the heavens, and virtuous minds? why do we seek God elsewhere? He is whatever you see; he is wherever you move. ** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], ''Pharsalia'', IX. 578 * ''Ein feste Burg ist unser Gott<br> Ein gute Wehr und Waffen,<br>Er hilft uns frei aus aller Not,<br> Die uns jetzt hat betroffen.'' ** A mighty fortress is our God,<br> A bulwark never failing,<br> Our helper he amid the flood<br> Of mortal ills prevailing. ** [[Martin Luther]], ''Ein feste Burg''. Translation by F. H. Hedge * I fear no foe with Thee at hand to bless;<br>Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness. ** [[Henry Francis Lyte]], ''Eventide'' * A voice in the wind I do not know;<br>A meaning on the face of the high hills<br>Whose utterance I cannot comprehend.<br>A something is behind them: that is God. ** [[George MacDonald]], ''Within and Without'', Part I, scene 1 * ''Exemplumque dei quisque est in imagine parva.'' ** Every one is in a small way the image of God. ** [[Marcus Manilius]], ''Astronomica'', IV. 895 * ''Quis cœlum possit nisi cœli munera nosse?<br>Et reperire deum nisi qui pars ipse deorum est?'' ** Who can know heaven except by its gifts? and who can find out God, unless the man who is himself an emanation from God? ** [[Marcus Manilius]], ''Astronomica'', II. 115 * One sole God;<br>One sole ruler,—his Law;<br>One sole interpreter of that law—Humanity. ** [[Giuseppe Mazzini]], ''Life and Writings'', ''Young Europe'', ''General Principles'', No. 1 * Too wise to be mistaken still<br>Too good to be unkind. ** [[Samuel Medley]], ''Hymn of God'' * Who best<br>Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best: his state<br>Is kingly; thousands at his bidding speed,<br>And post o'er land and ocean without rest. ** [[John Milton]], ''Sonnet'', ''On His Blindness'' * ''Gott-trunkener Mensch.'' ** A God-intoxicated man. ** [[Novalis]], in reference to [[Spinoza]] * Trumpeter, sound for the splendour of God!<br>. . . . . .<br>Trumpeter, rally us, up to the heights of it!<br> Sound for the City of God. ** [[Alfred Noyes]], ''Trumpet Call'', last lines * ''Est deus in nobis; et sunt commercia cœli.'' ** There is a God within us and intercourse with heaven. ** [[Ovid]], ''Ars Amatoria'', Book III. 549. (Milton's "Looks commercing with the skies" said to be inspired by this phrase) * ''Est deus in nobis: agitante calescimus illo.'' ** There is a God within us, and we glow when he stirs us. ** [[Ovid]], ''Fasti'', Book VI. 6 * ''Sed tamen ut fuso taurorum sanguine centum,<br>Sic capitur minimo thuris honore deux.'' ** As God is propitiated by the blood of a hundred bulls, so also is he by the smallest offering of incense. ** [[Ovid]], ''Tristium'', II. 75 * ''Nihil ita sublime est, supraque pericula tendit<br>Non sit ut inferius suppositumque deo.'' ** Nothing is so high and above all danger that is not below and in the power of God. ** [[Ovid]], ''Tristium'', IV. 8. 47 * One on God's side is a majority. **[[Wendell Phillips]], speech at Harper's Ferry (1 November 1859) * ''Est profecto deus, qui, quæ nos gerimus, auditque et videt.'' ** There is indeed a God that hears and sees whate'er we do. ** [[Plautus]], ''Captivi'', II. 2. 63 * He from thick films shall purge the visual ray,<br>And on the sightless eyeball pour the day. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Messiah'' * Thou Great First Cause, least understood. ** Alexander Pope, ''Universal Prayer'' * ''Je crains Dieu, cher Abner, et n'ai point d'autre crainte.'' ** I fear God, dear Abner, and I have no other fear. ** [[Jean Racine]], ''Athalie'', Act I, scene 1 * Give us a God—a living God,<br> One to wake the sleeping soul, <br> One to cleanse the tainted blood <br> Whose pulses in our bosoms roll. ** [[C. G. Rosenberg]], ''The Winged Horn'', Stanza 7 * We may scavenge the dross of the nation, we may shudder past bloody sod,<br>But we thrill to the new revelation that we are parts of God. ** [[Robert Haven Schauffler]], ''New Gods for Old'' * ''Es lebt ein Gott zu strafen und zu rächen.'' ** There is a God to punish and avenge. ** [[Friedrich Schiller]], ''Wilhelm Tell'', IV. 3. 37 * ''Nihil ab illo [i.e. a Deo] vacat; opus suum ipse implet.'' ** Nothing is void of God; He Himself fills His work. ** [[Seneca the Younger]], ''De Beneficiis'', IV. 8 * ''Deum non immolationibus et sanguine multo colendum: quæ enim ex trucidatione immerentium voluptas est? sed mente pura, bono honestoque proposito. Non templa illi, congestis in altitudinem saxis, struenda sunt; in suo cuique consecrandus est pectore.'' ** God is not to be worshipped with sacrifices and blood; for what pleasure can He have in the slaughter of the innocent? but with a pure mind, a good and honest purpose. Temples are not to be built for Him with stones piled on high; God is to be consecrated in the breast of each. ** [[Seneca the Younger]], ''Fragment'', V. 204 * God helps those who help themselves. ** [[Algernon Sidney]], ''Discourse Concerning Government'', Chapter II. Ovid—Metamorphoses. X. 586. [[Pliny the Elder]], viewing the Eruption of Vesuvius, Aug., 79. [[Friedrich Schiller]], ''William Tell'', I. 2. [[Simonides]] is quoted as author by Claudian. [[Sophocles]], ''Fragments''. [[Terence]], ''Phormio''. I. 4. [[Vergil]], ''Æneid'' (29-19 BC), X, 284. Quoted as a proverb by old and modern writers * From Piety, whose soul sincere<br>Fears God, and knows no other fear. ** [[W. Smyth]], ''Ode for the Installation of the Duke of Gloucester as Chancellor of Cambridge'' * ''Ad majorem Dei gloriam.'' ** For the greater glory of God. ** Motto of the Society of Jesus * The divine essence itself is love and wisdom. ** [[Emanuel Swedenborg]], ''Divine Love and Wisdom'', Par. 28 * God, the Great Giver, can open the whole universe to our gaze in the narrow space of a single lane. ** [[Rabindranath Tagore]], ''Jivan-smitri'' * ''Ha sotto i piedi il Fato e la Natura.<br>Ministri umili; e'l moto e chi'l misura.'' ** Under whose feet (subjected to His grace),<br> Sit nature, fortune, motion, time, and place. ** [[Torquato Tasso]], ''Gerusalemme'', IX, 66 * At last I heard a voice upon the slope<br>Cry to the summit, "Is there any hope?"<br>To which an answer pealed from that high land,<br>But in a tongue no man could understand;<br>And on the glimmering limit far withdrawn,<br>God made himself an awful rose of dawn. ** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''Vision of Sin'', V * I fled Him, down the nights and down the days;<br> I fled Him, down the arches of the years;<br>I fled Him, down the labyrinthine ways<br> Of my own mind; and in the midst of tears<br>I hid from Him, and under running laughter. ** [[Francis Thompson]], ''The Hound of Heaven'' * But I lose<br>Myself in Him, in Light ineffable!<br>Come then, expressive Silence, muse His praise.<br>These, as they change, Almighty Father, these<br>Are but the varied God. The rolling Year<br>Is full of Thee. ** [[James Thomson (poet)|James Thomson]], ''Hymn'', line 116 * The being of God is so comfortable, so convenient, so necessary to the felicity of Mankind, that, (as [[Cicero|Tully]] admirably says) ''Dii immortales ad usum hominum fabricati pene videantur'', if God were not a necessary being of himself, he might almost seem to be made on purpose for the use and benefit of men. ** [[w:John Tillotson|Archbishop Tillotson]], ''Works'', Sermon 93, Volume I, (1712 edition), p. 696; this is the probable origin of [[Voltaire]]'s phrase. ** Cicero's phrase from ''[[w:De Legibus|De legibus]]'' in fact references "gods" in the plural * Rock of Ages, cleft for me,<br> Let me hide myself in thee. ** [[Augustus Toplady]], ''Living and Dying Prayer''. "Rock of Ages" is translation. from the Hebrew of "everlasting strength." Isaiah, XXVI. 4 * None but God can satisfy the longings of an immortal soul; that as the heart was made for Him, so He only can fill it. ** [[Richard Chenevix Trench]], ''Notes on the Parables'', ''Prodigal Son'' * God, from a beautiful necessity, is Love. ** [[Martin Farquhar Tupper]], ''Of Immortality'' * I believe that there is no God, but that matter is God and God is matter; and that it is no matter whether there is any God or no. ** "The Unbeliever's Creed", ''Connoisseur No. IX'' (March 28, 1754) * ''Si genus humanum et mortalia temnitis arma'',<br>''At sperate deos memores fandi atque nefandi''. ** If ye despise the human race, and mortal arms, yet remember that there is a God who is mindful of right and wrong. ** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (29-19 BC), I. 542 * ''Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer.'' ** If there were no God, it would be necessary to invent him. ** [[Voltaire]], ''Epitre à l'Auteur du Livre des Trois Imposteurs'', CXI. See Œuvres Complètes de Voltaire, Volume I, p. 1076. Ed. Didot, 1827. Also in letter to Frederick, Prince Royal of Prussia *** cf. [[Cicero]], ''Dii immortales ad usum hominum fabricati pene videantur''. * ''Je voudrais que vous écrasassiez l'infâme.'' ** I wish that you would crush this infamy. ** [[Voltaire]] to D'Alembert June 23, 1760. Attributed to Voltaire by Abbé Barruch—Memoirs Illustrating the History of Jacobinism. Generally quoted "Écrasez l'infâme." A. De Morgan contends that the popular idea that it refers to God is incorrect. It refers probably to the Roman Catholic Church, or the traditions in the church. * God on His throne is eldest of poets:<br> Unto His measures moveth the Whole. ** [[William Watson]], ''England my Mother'', Part II * The God I know of, I shall ne'er<br> Know, though he dwells exceeding nigh.<br>Raise thou the stone and find me there,<br> Cleave thou the wood and there am I.<br>Yea, in my flesh his spirit doth flow,<br>Too near, too far, for me to know. ** [[William Watson]], ''The Unknown God''. Third and fourth lines are from "newly discovered sayings of Jesus." Probably an ancient Oriental proverb. * The Somewhat which we name but cannot know.<br> Ev'n as we name a star and only see<br>Its quenchless flashings forth, which ever show<br> And ever hide him, and which are not he. ** [[William Watson]], ''Wordsworth's Grave'', I, Stanza 6 * God is and all is well. ** [[John Greenleaf Whittier]], ''My Birthday'' * I know not where His islands lift<br> Their fronded palms in air;<br>I only know I cannot drift<br> Beyond His love and care. ** [[John Greenleaf Whittier]], ''The Eternal Goodness'', Stanza 20 * Though man sits still, and takes his ease,<br> God is at work on man;<br>No means, no moment unemploy'd,<br> To bless him, if he can. ** [[Edward Young]], ''Resignation'', Part I, Stanza 119 == Anonymous == :<small>Proverbs or widely known statements by unknown authors.</small> * '''GOD IS COMING, AND IS ''SHE'' PISSED!''' ** Anonymous bumper sticker as quoted in ''My First Saturnalia'' (1981) by Michael Rumaker, p. 3 ** GOD IS COMING, AND BOY IS SHE PISSED! *** Variant bumper sticker as quoted in ''River Angel : A Novel'' (1999) A. Manette Ansay, p. 107 ==See also== * [[The Ageless Wisdom Teachings]] * [[Deism]] * [[Deity]] * [[Fear of God]] * [[Kingdom of God]] * [[Love of God]] * [[Om]] * [[Pandeism]] * [[Pantheism]] * [[Personal God]] * [[Polytheism]] * [[Theism]] * [[Theosophy]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{Commons category}} {{wiktionary}} {{wikiversity}} {{wikibooks|God and Religious Toleration}} [[Category:God| ]] o57j1sn8lu8kw28vj0yh3wdzxavlu2r 0 128590 3158056 3069504 2022-08-26T03:45:42Z 172.58.63.6 Language, grammar. wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Akira (1988 film)|Akira]]''''' is a [[w:1988 in film|1988]] animated film about a secret military project that endangers Tokyo when it turns a biker gang member into a raging psychic psychopath that only three teenagers and a group of psychics can stop. It is based on the [[w:Akira (manga)|manga series of the same mane]]. :''Original Manga by [[w:Katsuhiro Otomo|Katsuhiro Otomo]]. Directed by [[w:Katsuhiro Otomo|Katsuhiro Otomo]]. Screenplay also by [[w:Katsuhiro Otomo|Katsuhiro Otomo]].'' ==Kaneda== * I customized that bike for myself. It's too wild, you couldn't handle it. * ['''Streamline Dub (1989)'''] And what do we have here, huh? You the funeral director? * ''[To a man dressed in a black suit]'' What's with the get-up, huh? You goin' to a funeral?! * ''[holding soldiers at gunpoint]'' Hands up, now! Where in the hell's the facedown baby room?! * ''[when he claims to Ryu he knows who the new subject is]'' Come on... Don't they say the only amazing questions are asked ones? ''[Ryu walks up to him with a sinister expression]'' Huh? They don't? * ''[Repeated line]'' TETSUO! ==Tetsuo== * Twin ceramic rotor drives on each wheel! And these look like computer controlled anti-lock brakes! Wow, 200 horses at 12,000 rpm! * I am Tetsuo. * You want me to get in there in that kindergarten room and live stupidly ever after, huh?! Be quiet, do what you're told, take your medicine every day, and wake up all day like those kids?! * KANEDA! ==Colonel== * My job isn't to believe or believe. It is to act or not act! * Scientists are a bunch of idiots. Police men always consider the tents first. * Enough! Open up your eyes and look at the big picture; you're all puppets of broken politicians and capitalists. Don't you understand, it's utterly pointless to fight each other. * Look at what they have in their panic, they were afraid! They were too scared, so they hided it away from the public. They forgot all courage and honor, cast off the freedom and learning we had made, and close the lid of the Pandora's Box they themselves had opened! * The passion to build has cooled, and the joy of construction has forgotten. Now, it's just a stupid made up of a bunch of suckling fools! ==Others== * '''Kai:''' Something seemed odd the second I saw his face. It's strange. He was wearing what looked like a white hospital dress. He acted like a different thing. Yamagata asked him if he was really Tetsuo or if he was someone else. * '''Police Officer:''' I'm not that much older than you, so don't call me paps or you'll find yourself polishin' my boots with your towel! ==Dialogue== :'''Tetsuo''': Let's run away somewhere... you and me, Kaori. :'''Kaori''': But... where would we go? :'''Tetsuo''': Anywhere. Just the farther the better, eh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Officer A''': All right. The story is, you and your [[friend]]s went out at night on your bikes to visit your dying [[mother]], and then... another bunch of biker strangers called the Clowns and attacked you. They hurt your [[friend]], you lost your temper, and that's why eight of these Clowns, your attacker, are now in the hospital. And that is the truth. :''[Officer B looks through files of recently brought criminals and a picture of Kei appears on his current page. Kaneda looks over at that picture]'' :'''Kaneda''': Wowee! She's sure hot. :'''Officer B''': Hey! This is confidential! :''[Kaneda chuckles, going back to his seat]'' :'''Officer A''': And how's your mother doing? :'''Kaneda''': Huh? Fortunately the worst is over. She cleared the hump. :'''Officer A''': She cleared the hump, huh? What's next, a triathlon? :''[Kaneda and a few of his friends laugh]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Colonel''': Is it safe, Doctor? :'''Doctor''': I will take care of it. :'''Colonel''': No! I wasn’t talking about the girl at all! I’m asking if he turns out to reach a power like him... Are you positive that you are be able to control such a power? :'''Doctor''': Um, well... that's a... :'''Colonel''': Can I leave this in your face? :'''Doctor''': Um, well, then, in my opinion, if we can use the latest examination equipment to collect even more data, and also do a multi-faced analysis as we go, then surely... :'''Colonel''': But maybe we weren’t meant to needle... With that ultimate power. :'''Doctor''': You mean... The power of a Akira? :'''Tetsuo''': ''[in telepathy]'' A... ki... ra... :'''Colonel''': But we have no choice, but to grasp that power. Stop that power, and learn to control it. And if this situation gets out of hand, then he’s to be terminated... And without hesitation! :'''Doctor''': Yes... Colonel. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kaneda''': [''Tetsuo is brutally beating a member of the Clown gang''] You're gonna kill him, Tetsuo! You want that?! :'''Tetsuo''': I want him more than dead - I'll split his freaking head open! :'''Kaneda''': Just knock it off, now! This whole thing happened just because you took my bike for a spin. Enough already. :'''Tetsuo''': '''SHUT UP!''' DON'T ORDER ME AROUND! :'''Kaneda''': We were just worried. :'''Tetsuo''': Why do you always have to try and save me? I could've handled it on my own! Yeah, I admit I've gotten beaten before, but I won't always be on the receiving end! You hear that?! ''YOU UNDERSTAND?!'' :'''Kaori''': Tetsuo, I... :'''Tetsuo''': [''crying''] Shut up, go away! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tetsuo''': Kaneda? What are you doing in here? :'''Kaneda''': Tetsuo! Are you okay? I'm here for the rescue! Hurry up! What are you - an idiot? If we don't get outta here, those... :''[several soldiers enter the room]'' :'''Soldier''': There he is! Capture him! :'''Tetsuo''': You keep away! :''[Isaac uses his telekinetic powers to forcibly blast the soldiers away by lifting the floor, which also throws Kaneda hurtfully]'' :'''Kei''': Kaneda! :'''Tetsuo''': ''[laughs maniacally]'' Oh, that's right. I forgot you were there! There, do you see, Kanny? I won't be needing you to come to the rescue ever again, okay? From now on, I'll be in charge of the heroics. So, if you need any saving, just ask, Kanny. :'''Kaneda''': Hey, Tetsuo! Who the heck do you think you're talking to, ya beautiful? :'''Tetsuo''': Hah! You don't like what you're hearing, do ya? Makes you angry? So what are you gonna do now? Well, Tetsuo?! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kaneda''': What's wrong? Had some trouble? :'''Tetsuo''': Yeah. But I already took care of it. And you're too late - You missed the show. :'''Kaneda''': Tetsuo, you had me worried again. I figured you'd be standing here sobbing like a little baby. :'''Tetsuo''': Kaneda... you've always been a pain in the ass, you know. You've been telling me what to do since we were kids! You always treat me like a kid! You always show up and start bossing me around, and don't you deny it! :'''Kaneda''': And now you're a boss too... Of this pile of rubble. :'''Tetsuo''': Kaneda! :'''Kaneda''': That's Mister Kaneda to you, punk! :'''Tetsuo''': Die! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Takashi''': It's too much for Tetsuo... and for the three of us also... and for Akira, too. :'''Masaru''': It's way to big for us, as we are now. :'''Kiyoko''': But someday, we may to be able to... :'''Masaru''': Because it has already began. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gym Teacher''': This school is your last chance! If you don't like yourselves. You can't keep up with the academic ability of regular students, This is it! If you can't live a decent social life, you end up here! And if you stop here, it's the end of the sidewalk! :'''Principal''': Also, even though you're under fourteen, if you get more than fifty penalty points on your record, you're sent to the regular courts. :'''Kaneda''': Uh, bite me. Don't mess with us, you stupid, old goodness. :'''Gym Teacher''': Aren't any of you listening?! :'''Yamagata''': You lost me half-way through, man! :'''Gym Teacher''': Discipline! (slaps Yamagata) Discipline! (punches Kaisuke) Discipline! (punches Kaneda) Discipline! (punches Takeyama) Discipline! (punches Watanabe) Discipline! (punches Kuwata) Dismissed! :'''The Capsule Gang''': Thank you very much, man. (moans) ==Taglines== * 2019, Neo-Tokyo: a never-ending puzzle begins. The trump card is... top secret. Film to be treated as hazardous material. * The definitive science fiction masterpiece. This is an unmissable anime classic! * Neo-Tokyo is about to E.X.P.L.O.D.E. == About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' == * The setting is the sprawling ''Neo-Tokyo'' of 2019, 31 years after the [[city]] was devastated in a [[nuclear war]]. Amazingly, it has been built back to several times its original size (those [[Japanese]] are industrious), and most of the prewar brand names-or at least those that have paid promotional fees-have survived. ** [[w:Dave Kehr|Dave Kehr]], [https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-1990-03-30-9001260575-story.html “JAPANESE CARTOON `AKIRA` ISN`T ONE FOR THE KIDS”], ''Chicago Tribune'', (1990/03/30) * Mr. Otomo invests this [[dark]] flowering of post-nuclear civilization with a clean, mean beauty. The drawings of Neo-Tokyo by [[night]] are so intricately detailed that all the individual windows of huge skyscrapers appear distinct. ** [[w:Janet Maslin|Janet Maslin]], [https://www.nytimes.com/1990/10/19/movies/review-film-a-tokyo-of-the-future-in-vibrant-animation.html “Review/Film; A Tokyo of the Future In Vibrant Animation”], ''New York Times'', (Oct. 19, 1990) * [[Violent]] as it is on the surface, ''Akira'' is tranquil at its core. The story's sanest characters plead for the [[wise]] use of mankind's [[frightening]] new [[powers]], lending the whole film the feeling of a [[w:Cautionary tale|cautionary tale]]. ** Janet Maslin, [https://www.nytimes.com/1990/10/19/movies/review-film-a-tokyo-of-the-future-in-vibrant-animation.html “Review/Film; A Tokyo of the Future In Vibrant Animation”], ''New York Times'', (Oct. 19, 1990) * “Akira” (at the Westside Pavilion), a Japanese animated feature based on Katsuhiro Otomo’s popular comic books about a teen-age motorcycle gang, is a compendium of the worst cliches of Japanese animation--two hours of chases, laser attacks, machine-gun battles, spilled stage blood, computer-animated backgrounds and hokey dialogue. ** [[w:Charles Solomon|Charles Solomon]], [https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-1990-03-14-ca-113-story.html “MOVIE REVIEW : ‘Akira’: High-Tech Hokum From Japan”], ''Los Angeles Times'', (March 14, 1990) * Katsuhiro Otomo’s dark, [[alienated]] “Akira” (1988) is widely credited with creating a mass audience for [[w:Japanese animation|Japanese animation]] in [[America]]. It has been a perennial favorite on [[college]] campuses and in revival houses, despite a bad [[English]] dub that made its convoluted story all but incomprehensible. ** Charles Solomon, [https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-2001-jul-24-ca-25796-story.html “Fan Favorite ‘Akira’ Really Blazes Now”], ''Los Angeles Times'', (July 24, 2001) * Otomo’s [[vision]] is violent, [[angry]] and often [[ugly]], but it is also arresting and powerful. Thirteen years after its initial release, “Akira” remains a watershed film in the history of Japanese animation and anime fandom in America. ** Charles Solomon, [https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-2001-jul-24-ca-25796-story.html “Fan Favorite ‘Akira’ Really Blazes Now”], ''Los Angeles Times'', (July 24, 2001) == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0094625|title=Akira}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|akira}} [[Category:1988 films]] [[Category:Animated action films]] [[Category:Comic book films]] [[Category:Anime and manga series]] [[Category:Dystopian films]] [[Category:Post-apocalyptic films]] [[Category:Japanese films]] [[Category:Absurdism]] [[Category:Cybernetics in films]] [[Category:Drug films]] i47hl75nay1fa17oz7h61t1klzwgsg1 0 134140 3157953 3032136 2022-08-25T21:52:54Z Greghenderson2006 3053990 Added to caption. wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:John Smith after Simon De Passe.jpg|thumb|upright|right|250px|Captain John Smith, after an early portrait by [[w:Van de Passe family|Simon de Passe]], 18th century]] [[File:Pocahontas Saving Life.jpg|thumb| Pocahontas Saving the Life of Capt. John Smith]] Captain '''[[w:John Smith (explorer)|John Smith]]''' (baptized 6 January 1580 – 21 June 1631) Admiral of New England was an [[England|English]] soldier, [[Exploration|explorer]], and author. He was knighted for his services to Sigismund Bathory, Prince of Transylvania and friend Mózes Székely. He is remembered for his role in establishing the first permanent English settlement in North America at Jamestown, Virginia, and his brief association with the Virginia Indian[1] girl Pocahontas during an altercation with the Powhatan Confederacy and her father, Chief Powhatan. He was a leader of the Virginia Colony (based at Jamestown) between September 1608 and August 1609, and led an exploration along the rivers of Virginia and the Chesapeake Bay. == Quotes == * Heaven &earth never agreed better to frame a place for man's habitation; were it fully manured and inhabited by industrious people. Here are mountaines, hils, plaines, valleyes, rivers, and brookes, all running most nicely into a faire Bay, compassed but for the mouth, with fruitfull and delightsome land. ** Describing the countryside around Chesapeake Bay (1606); reported in ''The Generall Historie of Virginia, New England & The Summer Isles'' (1907), vol. 2, pp. 44–45. * You must obey this now for a Law, that he that will not worke shall not eate (except by sicknesse he be disabled:) for the labours of thirtie or fortie honest and industrious men shall not be consumed to maintaine an hundred and fiftie idle loyterers. ** Advice to his company when he was governor of Jamestown Colony, Virginia (1608); reported in ''The Generall Historie of Virginia, New England & The Summer Isles'' (1907), vol. 1, chapter 10, p. 174. * Nothing would be done for a plantation, till about some hundred of your Brownists of England, Amsterdam, and Leyden went to New Plimouth, whose humorous ignorances caused them for more than a year, to endure a wonderful deal of misery, with an infinite patience. ** [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Captain_John_Smith_1579_1631_Sometime_Go/qpAEAAAAYAAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&pg=PA276 Captain John Smith (1579-1631) Sometime Governor of Virginia, and Admiral of New England], p. 276 * At last, upon those inducements, some well disposed Brownists, as they are termed, with some Gentlemen and Merchants of Layden and Amsterdam, to save charges would try their owne conclusions, though with great losse and much miserie till time had taught them to see their owne error; for such humorists will never beleeve well, till they bee beaten with their owne rod. ** [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Capt_John_Smith/YF8LAAAAIAAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&pg=PA941 Capt. John Smith], p. 941 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{Commons category|Captain John Smith}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Smith, John (explorer}} [[Category:1580 births]] [[Category:1631 deaths]] [[Category:Governors of Virginia]] [[Category:Explorers from England]] [[Category:Soldiers]] [[Category:Slaves]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from England]] [[Category:Immigrants to the United States]] qfjr16t8c59f2ch7ji3k7l15y23wuir 3 136993 3157909 3135316 2022-08-25T17:43:22Z Illegitimate Barrister 549904 archivin' wikitext text/x-wiki {{Talkheader}} {{Archives|[[User talk:Illegitimate Barrister/Archive 1|Archive 1]] (June 25, 2012 &ndash; May 25, 2017)<br />[[User talk:Illegitimate Barrister/Archive 2|Archive 2]] (May 25, 2017 &ndash; present)}} c0uam9ox1slh7n2ex6yhx4q2sm3yxfh 0 138870 3157888 3145959 2022-08-25T17:02:41Z Ijs89000 3124205 /* Yug Ylimaf */ wikitext text/x-wiki Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after an extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005. Family Guy and all related characters, episodes, and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the Wikimedia Foundation DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference proposes only. Wikiquote, nor its parent company, The Wikimedia Foundation, has no affiliation to 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape, or form. Please read Family Guy/Format for notes on how to use and edit this article. ===''[[w:Ratings Guy|Ratings Guy]]''=== :'''Quagmire''': Thanks to you, TV's a vast wasteland. Do you know how I know that phrase? I read it in a book, you monster! <hr width=50%> :''[Peter sits on the couch depressed when Brian walks in]'' :'''Brian''': Hey, what's wrong, Peter? :'''Peter''': I miss my friend, Brian. I mean, I was having fun with those Nielsen boxes, but what's the point if I don't get Joe and Quagmire to enjoy it with me? I guess I shouldn't have messed with television. :'''Brian''': Well, it's not exactly your fault. The networks never should have listened to you in the first place. This is exactly what makes bad television: pandering to the lowest common denominator. :'''Peter''': So what do I do, Brian? :'''Brian''': Well, you still have these boxes. That means you still have the power to influence television. Maybe you can use that power to help restore television to the way it was. :'''Peter''': You're right, Brian. Maybe if I watch smart, quality shows, that'll help get things back to the way they were. We can use these boxes for good and... :''[Suddenly, three bullets destroy the Nielsen boxes]'' :'''Peter''': What the hell?! :''[cut to Mayor West with a shotgun]'' :'''Mayor West''': That's for adding another tree to One Tree Hill! :'''Brian''': Oh, my God, he destroyed every last box! :'''Peter''': Holy crap! :'''Brian''': We're sunk now, Peter. There goes your one chance to get television back to the way it was. :'''Peter''': Wait a minute. Maybe not, Brian. :''[A lightbulb appears over Peter's head]'' :'''Peter''': I think I just got an idea. :''[Peter gets up and breaks the lightbulb]'' :'''Peter''': Aah! I got glass in my face! Oh, crap. Now I forgot what it was. :''[Peter sits back down and another lightbulb appears over his head]'' :'''Peter''': I got it! :''[Peter gets up again and breaks the second lightbulb]'' :'''Peter''': Aah! Son of a bitch! ===''[[w:The Old Man and the Big 'C'|The Old Man and the Big 'C']]''=== :''' Peter'': I learned how to do a somersault. ''[Peter tries to do it, but falls over]'' Did I do it? <hr width=50%> :''[after Quagmire was revealed to have been wearing a wig]'' :''' Peter''': I guess all the time Quagmire should've been saying "Wiggity". <hr width=50%> :'''Quagmire''': Baldness is for women's crotches, not men's heads. ===''[[w:Yug Ylimaf|Yug Ylimaf]]''=== :'''Stewie''': I don't think so. The crotch doesn't look like a BMX track. You bastard! You've been using ''my'' time machine to nail your bar skanks! :'''Brian''': Oh, come on! They're ''not'' all bad. :'''Stewie''': Oh, yes. I've seen the women you bring home. That stutterer, she was a real prize. :''[Cutaway to Peter, Lois, and Brian and his date at dinner]'' :'''Lois''': How are you enjoying your meal? :'''Woman''': L-L-L-L-L-Lois, it's d-d-d-delicious. :'''Peter''': Oh, for crying out loud. ''[walks up to the thermostat and turns up the heat]'' :'''Lois''': Peter, why are you turning up the heat again? :'''Peter''': Lois, this woman is freezing. <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': Somehow, my machine seems to have reversed the direction of time. :'''Brian''': Reversed the direction of time? Stewie, what does that mean? I don't get it. :''[We angle on the sidewalk. Mort Goldman takes a quarter from his pocket and puts it on the sidewalk, then continues]'' :'''Brian''': Okay, now I get it. <hr width=50%> :''[Cleveland is seen naked on the ground of his destroyed house, clearly the result of yet another bathtub incident]'' :'''Cleveland''': Man, we got a large number of clovers on our lawn. ''[He floats up while the damage to both the house and the bathtub undo themselves]'' No, no, no, no, no, NO!!!! :''[Peter is seen in a room next to him]'' :'''Peter''': Oh, hey, Cleveland. :''[Peter floats away from the house while more damage undoes itself. It is revealed that the damage is a result of Chris lighting up a human cannonball with Peter in it]'' :'''Peter''': Australia, here I come! <hr width=50%> :''[Brian is seen fighting a rabbit in a karate tournament in reverse for some reason. We cut back to Brian and Stewie in the living room]'' :'''Stewie''': What the hell was that? :'''Brian''': This is more intense than when I fought a rabbit in that karate tournament. :'''Stewie''': That's weird, you're doing reverse cutaways now? <hr width=50%> :''[Brian and Stewie hear groaning]'' :'''Stewie''': What the devil is that? :'''Brian''': It's Peter and Chris. Sounds like they're in trouble. :''[they go to the living room and they see Peter and Chris groaning with vomit all over the room]'' :'''Stewie''': My God. Why is there so much vomit everywhere? :'''Brian''': ''[points at a bottle]'' Is that the Ipecac bottle? ''[suddenly realizes]'' Oh, no! No, please, not this! :'''Stewie''': Oh, God. It's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going... ''[throws up]'' :'''Brian''': ''[panicked]'' Oh, dear God! ''[throws up]'' WHAT THE HELL?! :''[Peter holds Brian's ears and throws up]'' :'''Stewie''': I don't wanna! I don't wanna- !! ''[regurgitates]'' :'''Chris''': Dad, I'm scared! ''[vomits and cries]'' :'''Stewie''': Oh God, this is so disgusting! I think I'm gonna puke! ''[regurgitates]'' FUCK! :''[Brian and Stewie go outside, wipe their mouths, and groan in disgust]'' :'''Brian''': Stewie, I don't care what it takes. We've GOT to fix this! We just ate so much vomit! <hr width=50%> :''[As the Griffins leave after Stewie has just been "born"]'' :'''Chris''': You guys heard the baby talking in there, didn't you? :'''Lois''': Chris, that's ridiculous! <hr width=50%> ===''[[w:200 Episodes Later|200 Episodes Later]]''=== :'''Stewie''': Watch your back, ''[[The Simpsons|Simpsons]]'', we're less than halfway there. ===''[[w:Joe's Revenge|Joe's Revenge]]''=== :''[Peter makes the "I'm watching you" sign]'' :'''Joe''': What is that? :'''Peter''': Let's use our eyes ... to see. <hr width=50%> :'''Brian''': Stupid cat! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Quagmire and I'll help you bring this guy to justice! :'''Quagmire''': ''[through clenched teeth]'' Peter, what'd I say about you volunteering me for shit? ===''[[w:Lois Comes Out of Her Shell|Lois Comes Out of Her Shell]]''=== :'''Lois''': Do me, Peter. Do me right in the basement. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': I'm gonna get our old mom back! Brian, keys! Chris, beer! Meg, UG-LAAAAAY! <hr width=50%> :'''Jester''': I'm King Stewie. I rule with an iron fist. La-la-la-la-la-la-la. Look at me. Oooh. :'''Stewie''': In my office! Now! ===''[[w:Friends Without Benefits|Friends Without Benefits]]''=== :'''Quagmire''': How're you girls doin' on popcorn? :'''Girl''': I'll take some. :'''Quagmire''': Here ya go. ''[tilts popcorn containter towards girl with his crotch.]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Meg, Kent's here! :'''Meg''': Just putting on my lipstick! ''[shaves, cuts]'' Dammit! <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': Rupert, did you hear that? Meg's boyfriend is in love with me. Not that I care, I mean, it won't matter once I explain to him what's going on with us. But what would I tell him is going on with us? <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': Dear God, I have a shoe appointment in the morning and I want to be fresh! <hr width=50%> :''[Cutaway shows Lois in hosptial bed with baby Meg whose heart is beating on the top of her head]'' :'''Dr. Hartman''': Yeah, that's... that's not supposed to be there so, she should probably always wear a hat. <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Oh, I wouldn't worry about it, Bonnie. I've put Stewie in the oven a buncha times. As long as you come to your senses in 15 minutes, everything's fine. :'''Peter''': Lois, can I go slip'n'slide in the yard? :'''Lois''': Has it been half an hour since you've eaten? :'''Peter''': Yes, almost. :'''Lois''': Okay, I just wanna be sure you don't get a cramp. :'''Peter''': Yay, poor people water fun! ===''[[w:Jesus, Mary and Joseph!|Jesus, Mary and Joseph!]]''=== :'''Joseph (Peter)''': Y'know, this is the same picnic basket we drowned my sister in. Was back when they were like "Drown all the girls!" and then they were like "Don't drown all the girls!", but she was born on a drowning week so y'know. Achoo! <hr width=50%> :'''Donkey (Meg)''': So you guys are goin' to Bethlehem, huh? I went there one time on a donkey's night out. Oh my God; I got sooo hammered! <hr width=50%> :'''Joseph (Peter)''': ''[trying to have sex with Mary/Lois]'' I can't believe how hard you're making me work. :'''The Virgin Mary (Lois)''': Well, I did have a good virginity coach. :''[cutaway]'' :'''Consuela''': No, no, no. :'''The Virgin Mary (Lois)''': Okay, I think I got it. How's this?... ''[in Consuela's accent]'' No, no, no. :'''Consuela''': No, no, no. ===''[[w:Space Cadet (Family Guy)|Space Cadet]]''=== :'''Peter''': Hey, what's that in there? :'''Guide''': That's a sensory deprivation room that prepares our astronauts for the terrifying emptiness of space. :'''Peter''': Aw cool! Hey, c'mon, Brian. Try it with me. ''[both enter. Guide closes the door; both scream and exit with heads in each other's bodies]'' :'''Peter''': Things got crazy so fast!! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': We were talkin' about Meg. We-we call her Chris so she doesn't know. :'''Meg''': ''[off-camera]'' Fuck you! :'''Peter''': Shut up, Chris! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': A week ago, we call him stupid and now he's given tours at a space shuttle. Negative reinforcement, that's the key. ''[kicks Stewie]'' Right, stupid? :'''Stewie''': Ow! I'll do better! <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Everyone, strap yourselves in! Stewie, hold my hand! :'''Stewie''': No, thank you. I prefer to die giving you the finger. ''[Stewie does so]'' :'''Peter''': If this is what it takes to get out of Florida, fine. <hr width=50%> :'''Meg''': ''[touring the shuttle with Chris]'' So do you know how all this stuff works? :'''Chris''': Well, I don't know what most of these buttons do, but I know this big red one is the one you press to launch. :'''Stewie''': Ooo! Big red button! <hr width=50%> :'''Brian''': ''[as they are being blasted off]'' You know what? You only live once. I am sticking my head out the window. ''[he does]'' YES! THIS IS THE BEST PART OF WHATEVER'S SO ENJOYABLE ABOUT THIS! <hr width=50%> :'''Brian''': What are you doing? :'''Chris''': Saving our lives. :'''Peter''': I wish he hadn't said that. Now I'm kinda rooting against him. ===''[[w:Brian's Play|Brian's Play]]''=== :'''Stewie''': What the fuck are you talking about? The play I wrote, have you seen it? <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': You tried to destroy it, didn't you? I knew my play was good, just like I knew your play was a mediocre patchwork of hackneyed ideas and tired cliches. You have no idea how hard it was to sit in that theater with all those braying hyenas. Couldn't you tell something was up when Chris and the fat man could follow the plot? I mean, it took Peter a year to figure out "Stuart Little". :''[Cutaway]'' :'''Peter''': I just figured it out. "Stuart" means mouse. :'''Lois''': No, Peter. :'''Peter''': "Little" means mouse? :'''Lois''': No, Peter. :'''Peter''': I feel so old and in the way. :''[Present]'' :'''Brian''': It's still a good play! <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': It's filled with terrible double entendres, puns and stolen bits. There's a line in there from "Seinfeld". :'''Brian''': I never saw that episode. :'''Stewie''': I have a voice. You understand that? A writer needs a voice and I have one. You don't. Your play panders to the lowest common denominator, Brian. And it doesn't even do that well! ===''[[w:The Giggity Wife|The Giggity Wife]]''=== :'''Peter''': Where will you two be going on your scummymoon? And can I plan your bridal golden shower? <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Your new wife is a human toilet. <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Welcome to our home, Charisse. Sit on my lips if you like. That chair with the garbage bag taped over it looks pretty good. <hr width=50%> :''[As Charmese sits next to Meg]'' :'''Stewie''': Meg, you look good next to her. <hr width=50%> :'''Quagmire''': I need you to have sex with me while she watches. :''[Long silence]'' :'''Peter''': I have some demands. <hr width=50%> :'''Quagmire''': What the hell is going on with my life?! ===''[[w:Valentine's Day in Quahog|Valentine's Day in Quahog]]''=== :''[Stewie throws up and returns to the present after realizing the infant girl he fell in love with and kissed is his mother]'' :'''Brian''': Oh my God. Stewie, what happened? :'''Stewie''': ''(Furiously)'' '''NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS WHAT HAPPENED!''' :'''Brian''': ''(Angrily)'' Geez, you kissed your mother with that mouth? ''(Stewie throws up again while Brian recoils)'' <hr width=50%> :''[Lois comes down the stairs to the darkened living room in a robe]'' :'''Lois''': Peter, are you ready for your Valentine's gift? :''[she disrobes and turns on the light to find she's standing naked before Stewie as he stares at her]'' :'''Stewie''': No, but I'm ready for therapy. <hr width=50%> :''[In the morning]'' :'''Quagmire's date''': ''[after sex]'' I thought we could get some breakfast. :''[Quagmire flips a switch and the girl is dropped into a mine car and sent out the front door]'' :'''Quagmire''': Clearly, you're not familiar with how this works. ===''[[w:Chris Cross (Family Guy)|Chris Cross]]''=== :'''Herbert''': Sweet dreams, Chris. :''[Herbert turns the lights off. Chris turns them on; Herbert's bed is moved closer to Chris]'' :'''Chris''': I'm not really tired yet. <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': That was a fun birthday party, huh, Stewie? :'''Stewie''': That kid was Indian and eleven years old. Where are you finding my friends? ===''[[w:Call Girl (Family Guy)|Call Girl]]''=== :'''Lois''': It's like our privates were shaking hands after a successful business meeting in a swamp. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter and Lois are in a passionate embrace on the sofa]'' :'''Stewie''': Can I interest you guys in a two-and-a-quarter way? <hr width=50%> :'''Joe''': Hey, Quagmire, do yourself a favor: don't get married. :'''Quagmire''': I wasn't gonna. :'''Joe''': Good. Don't. :'''Quagmire''': ''[Impatiently]'' I said I wasn't! :'''Joe''': Good. Don't. :'''Quagmire''': Joe, you telling me not to has no effect on me whatsoever. I will not get married. :'''Joe''': ''[Defiantly]'' Perfect. ...don't. <hr width=50%> :'''Joe''': Quagmire, you should never meet one of those sex operators. :'''Quagmire''': ''[Impatiently]'' Yeah that's what I said... I wouldn't do it! :'''Joe''': Good. Don't. :'''Quagmire''': ''[Angrily]'' J-Joe, you realize what you're telling me not to do, I already am not doing! I know I should never meet one of those sex operators ever! :'''Joe''': Good. Don't. ===''[[w:Turban Cowboy|Turban Cowboy]]''=== :''[Peter to the pilot before he skydives]'' :'''Peter''': Thanks for the lift, Gil. I think I'll take the express down. <hr width=50%> :''[the phone rings]'' :'''Lois''': Hello? :''[it's Peter]'': :'''Peter''': Is dinner almost ready? :'''Lois''': Yes, Peter. God, where are you? I can barely hear you. :'''Peter''': Pull back my chair ever so slightly. :''[Lois complies and Peter crashes through the ceiling of the house]'' :'''Peter''': Ahh, Daddy's home. ===''[[w:12 and a Half Angry Men|12 and a Half Angry Men]]''=== :'''Peter''': I just don't think he could have done it. Guilty! :''[Quagmire whispers in his ear]'' :'''Peter''': Oh, guilty is the other one? ''[exasperated]'' Well, I don't know. <hr width=50%> :''[The Griffin family are all taking a bath together]'' :'''Lois''': Peter, how long do we have to sit here? :'''Peter''': Until I'm not angry anymore, you naked buncha bitches! <hr width=50%> :'''Judge''': We will now hear the defense attorney's closing statement. :''[Pans over jury, which shows Peter at two ends] :'''Peter''': I switched seats. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': ''Enough!''... was a movie with [[Jennifer Lopez]] that did not live to expectations. <hr width=50%> :'''Quagmire''': And now to take my position. This is what I call the butterpat. <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': There's a maniac out there! He's cutting people's power off, breaking into their homes and slitting their throats! ''[the lights suddenly go out]'' ...And we're dead. ===''[[w:Bigfat|Bigfat]]''=== :'''Pope''': Hi. I don't know who to complain to about this, but I keep getting XVIII's mail. Yeah, no, no, he's not here anymore. This is XXIV. Yeah. No, I don't need ''Newsweek''. No, I don't need ''National Geographic''. Yeah...I...No, I'll...I'll hang onto ''Boy's Life''. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter sees Roger when they greet the new neighbors, the Smiths]'' :'''Peter''': What the hell kind of dog is that? :'''Roger''': ''[indicates Meg]'' I was going to ask you the same thing. <hr width=50%> :''[Hank Hill wakes up from a nightmare of his wife, Lois, sleeping with Peter]'' :'''Hank Hill''': Ahh, dammit. I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Lift up the shades, there's a man on the wing! ''[Joe lifts up the shades]'' I'm the man on the wing. :'''Joe''': Are you crazy?! <hr width=50%> :'''Quagmire''': I don't know if I can pull out of this, Giggity. <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': ''[weakly]'' You... look... fat. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': ''[sighs]'' I'm bored. :'''Quagmire''': Peter, you made me crash the damn plane! :'''Peter''': Okay, I know you're a pilot and everything, but not everyone likes to talk about planes as much as you, Quagmire. ===''[[w:Total Recall (Family Guy)|Total Recall]]''=== :'''Peter''': ''[in a deep voice]'' I even won a deep voice contest with Joe. :'''Joe''': ''[in a deep voice]'' I heard you coming. :'''Peter''': I made myself heard. :'''Joe''': Where have you come from? :'''Peter''': I've come from where I've been. :'''Joe''': You still riding with that mangy polecat, Fletcher? :'''Peter''': Fletcher met the long arm of the law at the wrong end of a shotgun in the deep end of a grave at the far end of a dead end road. :'''Referee''': Winner! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Look, Lois! I have my friends and you have groceries and all those rusty pink razors in the shower. Now just stick to what's intended for you and leave my things to me. <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Hey, Horace, get that wiener outta your hand and give us 3 more beers over here. :'''Horace''': Ah, Lois, you're always giving me the business. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Hey, Horace, why don't ya take that wiener outta your hand and give me a beer! :'''Horace''': Don't talk to me that way, you son of a bitch! ''[Punches Peter]'' ===''[[w:Save the Clam|Save the Clam]]''=== :'''Chris''': Hey, Meg. Who's your date? He looks like a real stiff. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': There's only one drinking spot for us and it's the Clam. :'''Quagmire''': But Peter, it's closed. We can't go in there. :'''Peter''': Quagmire, when a girl says she doesn't want to have sex with you, do you take that as an answer? :''[a man whispers into Quagmire's ear]'' :'''Quagmire''': My lawyer has advised me not to answer that question. <hr width=50%> :'''Meg''': ''[puts make up on corpse]'' Wow, that really works. Hm, maybe I'll try that on myself. :'''Meg's boss at the morgue''': Oh, eh... You have what we call a "closed-casket-face". ===''[[w:Farmer Guy|Farmer Guy]]''=== :'''Lois''': ''[to Peter]'' I forgot you don't even know your ass from a hole in the ground. :''[cut to a cutaway of Peter walking by a hole in the ground, he stops to look at it]'' :'''Peter''': Is that my ass? <hr width=50%> :'''Meg''': You guys. I think this is a meth lab. :'''Lois''': Oh my god. You mean like as in D-R-U-G-S? Aren't those I-L-L-E-G-A-L? :'''Stewie''': What's going on? What are you guys talking about? :'''Lois''': Uh oh, someone's getting cranky. ''[picks up Stewie]'' I think he needs an N-A-P. :'''Stewie''': What's happening? Where are you taking me? Man, I got to crack this code. ===''[[w:Roads to Vegas|Roads to Vegas]]''=== :''[one set of Brian and Stewie teleport into Las Vegas]'' :'''Brian''': Oh my God, Stewie. It worked! We're in Vegas. :'''Stewie''': Yeahhh, alright! So let's hit the hospital, get checked out for teleportation cancer, and then party! <hr width=50%> :''[Brian and Stewie are standing on the edge of the balcony, ready to jump to commit suicide]'' :'''Stewie''': Well... this is it. :'''Brian''': I guess so. :'''Stewie''': Count to three? :'''Brian''': Yep. :'''Brian and Stewie''': 1... 2... :'''Brian''': ''[jumps off the balcony but Stewie doesn't]'' Three! :'''Stewie''': ''[holds onto the railing]'' I'm sorry, I can't, I want to live! I didn't think we were gonna do it! :'''Brian''': ''[falls to his death]'' YOU DICK! :'''Stewie''': Oh, my God, Brian! Brian, no! Good Lord, what have I done?! ''[tries to run out of the room]'' I better get the hell out of here! ''[trips over his backpack and finds the money the other pair had won]'' What the deuce? Where did this come from? ''[slides the money tops]'' Well, looks like Archibald Meatpants is gonna have a fun night. <hr width=50%> : ''[The Brian and Stewie clones arrive at their poor hotel]'' :'''Brian''': Oh my god! This place is a dump! :'''Stewie''': ''[looking at a leaflet]'' Let's not be so quick to judge. Says here there's a continental breakfast. Oh, the continent is Africa. :'''Brian''': Stewie, this place is a total dump! Don't you think it's weird we have to keep checking in every 20 minutes? :'''Stewie''': ''[continues reading]'' Also, the porn is free, but we have to watch it from the lobby. ===''[[w:No Country Club for Old Men|No Country Club for Old Men]]''=== :'''Brian''': Hey, so eeeh... I'm digging a hole under the fence in the backyard. :'''Stewie''': Brian, you have a car. You don't have to escape. :'''Brian''': Just don't say anything, okay? ==External links== {{wikipedia|Family Guy}} [[Category:Family Guy seasons]] i63yfdqxfcn99mbh13apzasl2ehyhsj 0 139203 3158032 3150566 2022-08-26T00:43:38Z Eaglestorm 16205 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Escape from New York|Escape from New York]]''''' is a [[w:1981 in film|1981 film]] set in the near future in a crime-ridden United States that has converted Manhattan Island in New York City into a maximum security prison. Ex-soldier Snake Plissken is given 24 hours to find the President of the United States, who has been captured after the crash of Air Force One. :''Directed by [[John Carpenter]]. Written by [[John Carpenter]] and [[w:Nick Castle|Nick Castle]].'' {{center|'''The world's greatest leader is a hostage in the most dangerous place on Earth. Now only the deadliest man alive can save him.''' <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} == Narrator == * In 1988, the crime rate in the United States rises four hundred percent. The once great city of New York becomes the one maximum security prison for the entire country. A 50-foot containment wall is erected along the New Jersey shoreline, across the Harlem River, and down along the Brooklyn shoreline. It completely surrounds Manhattan Island. All bridges and waterways are mined. The United States Police Force, like an army, is encamped around the island. There are no guards inside the prison, only prisoners and the worlds they have made. The rules are simple: once you go in, you don't come out. == The Duke == * ''[addressing his followers]'' They sent in their best man, and when we roll across the 69th Street bridge tomorrow, on our way to freedom, we're going to have their best man leading the way - from the neck up! ''[cheering erupts]'' On the hood of my car! ''[more cheering]'' == Dialogue == :''[The USPF deploys in lower Manhattan to find the wreckage of Air Force One and recover the President, but encounter a strange man]'' :'''Romero''': You touch me... he dies. If you're not in the air in 30 seconds... he dies. You come back in... he dies. ''[takes a package out of his shirt and unwraps it to reveal the President's middle finger, complete with ring]'' Twenty seconds. :'''Bob Hauk''': I'm ready to talk. :'''Romero''': Nineteen. Eighteen. :'''Bob Hauk''': What do you want? :'''Romero''': Seventeen. Sixteen. :'''Bob Hauk''': ''[to his soldiers]'' Let's go. Let's go! ''[USPF troops pull out]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bob Hauk''': ''[reading Plissken's file]'' S.D. Plissken... American, Lieutenant: Special Forces Unit "Black Light". Two Purple Hearts, Leningrad and Siberia. Youngest man to be decorated by the President. Then you robbed the Federal Reserve Depository... life sentence, New York maximum security penitentiary. I'm about to kick your ass out of ''the world'', war hero... :'''Snake Plissken''': ''[calmly strikes a match against Hauk's desk to light his cigarette and in a bored tone of voice]'' Who're you? :'''Bob Hauk''': Hauk, Police Commissioner. :'''Snake Plissken''': Bob Hauk... :'''Bob Hauk''': Special Forces Unit "Texas Thunder"... we heard of you too, Plissken. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bob Hauk''': You go in, find the President, bring him out in 24 hours, and you're a free man. :'''Snake Plissken''': 24 hours, huh? :'''Bob Hauk''': I'm making you an offer. :'''Snake Plissken''': Bullshit! :'''Bob Hauk''': Straight just like I said. :'''Snake Plissken''': I'll think about it. :'''Bob Hauk''': No time. Give me an answer. :'''Snake Plissken''': Get a new president! :'''Bob Hauk''': We're still at war, Plissken. We need him alive. :'''Snake Plissken''': I don't give a fuck about your war... or your president. :'''Bob Hauk''': Is that your answer? :'''Snake Plissken''': I'm thinking about it. :'''Bob Hauk''': Think hard. :'''Snake Plissken''': ''[pause]'' Why me? :'''Bob Hauk''': You flew the Gullfire over Leningrad. You know how to get in quiet. You're all I got. :'''Snake Plissken''': ''[pause]'' I guess I go in one way or the other... doesn't mean shit to me. All right... I'll do it. Give me the pardon paper. :'''Bob Hauk''': When you come out. :'''Snake Plissken''': Before. :'''Bob Hauk''': I told you I wasn't a fool, Plissken. :'''Snake Plissken''': Call me Snake. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bob Hauk briefs Snake about the crash of Air Force One and the need to save POTUS in 24 hours]'' :'''Bob Hauk''': In 22 hours, the Hartford Summit Meeting will be over. China and the Soviet Union will go back home. Now, the President was on his way to the summit when his plane went down. He has a briefcase attached to his wrist. The tape recording inside has to reach Hartford in 22 hours. :'''Snake Plissken''': What's on it? :'''Bob Hauk''': You know anything about nuclear fusion? :'''Snake Plissken''': No. :'''Bob Hauk''': The survival of the human race, Plissken. Something you don't give a shit about. :'''Cronenberg''': ''[approaching Snake with two injection guns]'' I'm going to inject you. It will sting for a second. ''[places both guns on the sides of Snake's neck and injects him, producing a loud bang]'' :'''Bob Hauk''': That's it, Plissken. :'''Cronenberg''': Tell him. :'''Snake Plissken''': Tell me what? :'''Bob Hauk''': That idea you had about turning the Gullfire around 180 degrees and flying off to Canada. :'''Snake Plissken''': What did you do to me, asshole!? :'''Bob Hauk''': My idea, Plissken. Something we've been fooling around with. Two microscopic capsules lodged in your arteries. They're already starting to dissolve. In 22 hours, the cores will completely dissolve. Inside the cores are a heat-sensing charge. Not a large explosion, ''[makes the OK sign with his right hand]'' about the size of a pinhead, just big enough to open up both of your arteries. I'd say you'd be dead in 10-15 seconds... :'''Snake Plissken''': ''[chokes Hauk]'' Take them out, now! :'''Cronenberg''': ''[nervously]'' They're protected by the cores. Fifteen minutes before the last hour is up, we can neutralize the charge with X-rays. :''[Pushes Snake away from Hauk]'' :'''Bob Hauk''': We'll burn out the charges ''if'' you have the President. :'''Snake Plissken''': What if I'm a little late? :'''Bob Hauk''': No more Hartford Summit. And no more Snake Plissken. :'''Snake Plissken''': When I get back, I'm going to kill you. :'''Bob Hauk''': The Gullfire's waiting. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Snake Plissken''': Where's the President? :'''Cabbie''': The Duke got him. Everybody knows the Duke's got him. You don't have to put a gun to my head. I'll tell you. :'''Snake Plissken''': Who's the Duke? :'''Cabbie''': The Duke? The Duke of New York, A-Number-1, the Big Man, that's who! :'''Snake Plissken''': I wanna meet this Duke. :'''Cabbie''': You can't meet the Duke! Are you crazy? Nobody gets to meet the Duke. You meet him once and then you're dead! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Snake walks off after hearing President Harker's lip service to the people who died rescuing him]'' :'''Bob Hauk''': You're gonna kill me now, Snake? :'''Snake Plissken''': I'm too tired. ''[pause]'' Maybe later. :'''Bob Hauk''': I've got another deal for you. I want you to think it over while you're resting. I want to give you a job. We'd make one hell of a team, Snake! :'''Snake Plissken''': ''[coldly glares at Hauk]'' The name's Plissken! ''[leaves]'' == About ''Escape from New York'' == * St. Louis - unbelievable! We went there because, well, there were certain sequences we just couldn't do in New York; they would have tied up the whole city too much. And St. Louis, due to a major fire they had there in 1977, now has just the right amount of emptiness in the downtown area. Also the right architecture. So much of the city looks vacant and dead; perfect for our needs since we couldn't use anything looking new or fresh. The city officials literally turned over the city to us. They'd shut down 10 blocks at a time to help us. I was told they hadn't hosted a major film for 15 years; they don't even have a real film commission, just a Department of Tourism. They let us trash it up, and do anything we needed. A major coup was finding, in St Louis, an exact replica - deserted, desolate, unused - of New York's Grand Central Station, complete with a train engine. Says Carpenter, "I was told it's the biggest roofed-in area in the world. We walked in and said, 'My Lord! We don't even have to dress it!'" * The city officials not only gave permission, but were very helpful. We were the first film company in history allowed to shoot on Liberty Island, at the Statue of Liberty, at night. They let us have the whole island to ourselves. We were lucky. It wasn't easy to get that initial permission. :* John Carpenter [http://io9.gizmodo.com/everything-you-never-knew-about-the-making-of-escape-fr-1579170866 "Everything You Never Knew About The Making Of Escape From New York"] Ryan Plummer, ''IO9'' 5/28/14. * So it's entirely fair to say, and I've said it before, that the way Neuromancer-the-novel "looks" was influenced in large part by some of the artwork I saw in 'Heavy Metal'. I assume that this must also be true of John Carpenter's 'Escape from New York', Ridley Scott's 'Blade Runner'", and all other artefacts of the style sometimes dubbed 'cyberpunk'. Those French guys, they got their end in early. ** [[William Gibson]] introduction to Neuromancer graphic novel, as quoted in [http://brmovie.com/FAQs/BR_FAQ_BR_Influence.htm ''The Blade Runner Faq'']. == Taglines == * The world's greatest leader is a hostage in the most dangerous place on Earth. Now only the deadliest man alive can save him. * 1997. New York City is now a maximum security prison. Breaking out is impossible. Breaking in is insane. * New York City has become the only maximum security prison for the entire country. Once you go in, you don't come out... until today. == Cast == * [[Kurt Russell]] - [[w:Snake Plissken|Snake Plissken]] * [[w:Lee Van Cleef|Lee Van Cleef]] - Bob Hauk * [[w:Ernest Borgnine|Ernest Borgnine]] - Cabbie * [[Donald Pleasence]] - US President John Harker * [[w:Isaac Hayes|Isaac Hayes]] - The Duke of New York City * [[Harry Dean Stanton]] - Harold "Brain" Hellman * [[Adrienne Barbeau]] - Maggie * [[w:Tom Atkins (actor)|Tom Atkins]] - Rehme * [[w:Charles Cyphers|Charles Cyphers]] - United States Secretary of State * [[w:Frank Doubleday (actor)|Frank Doubleday]] - Romero * [[w:Ox Baker|Ox Baker]] - Slag * [[Jamie Lee Curtis]] - computer voice and film narrator == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0082340|title=Escape from New York}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=1006717-escape_from_new_york|title=Escape from New York}} [[Category:1981 films]] [[Category:Action films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Crime films]] [[Category:Cult films]] [[Category:Dystopian films]] [[Category:Thriller films]] [[Category:Science fiction films]] [[Category:Post-apocalyptic films]] [[Category:Political thriller films]] [[Category:Nuclear weapons in media]] [[Category:Hostage dramas]] [[Category:Films set in New York City]] [[Category:Films directed by John Carpenter]] d5jezkytlqsdpurd6o6ac1slb6qepu7 0 141290 3158043 3156884 2022-08-26T01:11:50Z Eaglestorm 16205 schiavone wikitext text/x-wiki [[w:WCW Monday Nitro|WCW Monday Nitro]] was a professional wrestling program that aired on TNT Monday nights from September 4th, 1995 to March 26 2001. == 1995 == === September 4 === :''[Recent ex-WWF talent Lex Luger shows up at the beginning of the Sting/Ric Flair matchup.]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[notices Lex]'' Oooh, what in the hell is he doing here?! Get the camera off of him! :'''Steve "Mongo" McMichael''': What is this? :'''Bobby "The Brain" Heenan''': Wait a minute. He's got a right to be here, this is a [[w:Mall of America|public mall]]. :'''Eric''': Get him out of here! :'''Steve''': Somebody call the security guards! :'''Eric''': ''[as the crowd starts chanting "Luger! Luger!"]'' What?! Get the security and get him out of here! :'''Bobby''': What's he doing wrong? What is he doing wrong? :'''Steve''': This is just unabashed arrogance. :'''Eric''': We have a major problem here. :'''Bobby''': We have a situation starting here. A big one. :'''Eric''': I want to know what he's doing here. :'''Bobby''': Well don't ask me! Get on the headsets to the truck, ask somebody. === December 18 === :''[Madusa makes her way to the announce booth at the start of the show.]'' :'''Madusa''': All right. Can it everyone! ''[to Mongo]'' You too bad dog! I am Madusa, always have been Madusa and always will be Madusa. This is the WWF Women's Championship belt. :'''Eric''': Whoa... Whoa! Wait a minute. ''[sees Madusa pick up a trash can and dump the belt in it]'' What? Look...that indeed it is! :'''Steve''': ''[as Madusa does the act]'' Not in the trash can! :'''Madusa''': And that's what I think of the WWF Women's Championship belt. This is the WCW, I am now in the WCW and they used to call me Alundra Blayze. But not anymore because this is where the big boys play and now this is where the big girls play! ''[dumps mic in the trash can as well]'' :'''Eric''': Holy smokes! Madusa, the WWF Women's Championship and the belt right here on Nitro. The belt in the trash can and I tell you what, I'm in shock! Wow! :'''Steve''': Oh she got covered, she just got sucked up on that one in Connecticut, didn't she? :'''Eric''': I'll tell you what... :'''Bobby''': What a doll. == 1996 == === May 27 === :'''Tony Schiavone''': Welcome back live to the first hour of this edition of ''WCW Monday Nitro'' on TNT! Tony Schiavone and Larry Zbyszko. And we are taking a look at the Mauler completely maul his opponent Steve Doll. :'''Larry Zbyszko''': Well you know, Steve Doll's trying to get an offensive going. :'''Tony''': ''[notices the crowd suddenly standing up for a [[w:Scott Hall|large man]] who just came in through the audience]'' Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here? :'''Larry''': But the Mauler, well he just got reversed right there. The Mauler runs him down. :'''Tony''': That's not what I'm talking about. :'''Larry''': What are you talking about?! :''[The man, Scott Hall, leaps over the railing]'' :'''Tony''': Look here. :'''Larry''': Well, what the hell? :'''Scott Hall''': Get me a mic! :'''Larry''': What's with this? :'''Tony''': We need security out here. I have no idea, wait a minute! I can't believe what we're seeing. :'''Hall''': ''[climbing into the ring]'' Hey, you people, you know who I am, but you don't know why I'm here. Where is Billionaire Ted? Where is the Nacho Man? That punk can't even get in the building. Me, I go wherever I want, whenever I want. And where, oh where is Scheme Gene? 'Cause I've got a scoop for you. When that Ken-doll lookalike, when that weatherman wannabe comes out here later tonight, I got a challenge for him, for Billionaire Ted, for the Nacho Man and for anybody else in uh...WCW, huh-huh-huh. Hey, you want to go to war? You want a war? You're gonna get one! ''[leaves]'' :'''Tony''': Fans, what about the match? I don't know what to say. Randy Anderson's coming-- Randy. Randy, what's going on here? What about the match, Randy? What's going on? The match. Fans, we've gotta go to a break. :'''Larry''': The match left! :'''Tony''': I have no idea what to say. Stay with us. Geez. <hr width=50%> :'''Scott Hall''': Hey, lookie here. :'''Eric Bischoff''': You wanted to say some- :'''Hall''': ''[as Eric talks]'' Ken doll, you got such a big mouth and we, we are sick of it. :'''Eric''': What do you mean? Who's we? :'''Hall''': You know who. This is where the "big boys play"? What a joke! I tell you what, you go tell Billionaire Ted, you tell him, "Get three of his very very best." Maybe the Nacho Man! "Oooooooh....No." Hey, maybe he can get the Stinger! Ooooh, I'm so scared. You go get anybody you want because we... :'''Eric''': Who do you mean "We"? :'''Hall''': We are taking over. You wanna go to war? You wanna war? You got one. Only, only let's do it right. In the ring where it matters. Not in no microphones. Not in no newspapers or dirtsheets. Let's do it in the ring where it matters. If uh, if Billionaire Ted and his big boys, if they got any, uh guts... :'''Eric''': You're stepping over the line. :'''Hall''': Because we are coming down here and like it or not, :'''Eric''': Not. :'''Hall''': We are taking over. ''[throws his toothpick at Eric.]'' :'''Eric''': ''[calmly]'' You're outta here. :'''Hall''': If you say so! :'''Eric''': You're outta here. ''[visibly shaken, looks at Heenan, then recomposes]'' I don't know what to say. We'll see you next week. ===June 3=== :''[Scott Hall appears again at the announce booth]'' :'''Scott Hall''': Just relax ''chico''. Yo, Ken Doll, I had such a good time last week that I came back for more. :'''Eric''': Look there's no reason... :'''Scott Hall''': Look, look, look, relax man, relax. You started it. You want to go to war? You got a war. You started it, we gonna finish it. :'''Eric''': What do you mean "We"? You come up with this We stuff. :'''Scott Hall''': You know who man. You know who. Did Daddy Warbucks? Did he get his money yet? :'''Eric''': ''[sees [[w:Steve Borden|Sting]] come out]'' Wait a minute, Stinger. Not here, not now. Don't even dignify it man. :'''Sting''': You came out here last week and said some real horrible things about WCW. Some real horrible things about the Hulkster, about the Macho Man, about the Stinger. Somewhere along the way, you got lost because do you have any idea where you are? You're in the jungle baby! This is WCW! That's right! Hold on! And every week you come out here and you say you want three of the best. :'''Scott Hall''': That's right man, three of the best. :'''Sting''': You want three of the best, I don't see two of you. All I see is you and me. So why don't we just do this one on one right here, right now! :'''Scott Hall''': Yo, yo, you wanna fight man? You wanna fight? You got one. Only, no one tells me what to do and ''chico'', nobody tells me when to do it. ''[throws his toothpick at Sting. Sting responds by slapping Hall]'' Ok, ok tough guy. I got a little, no, I got big surprise for you next week. === June 10=== :''[Scott Hall shows up again]'' :'''Eric''': Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I don't want any trouble from you. I don't want any trouble with you here, now, but I don't have to point out. You came out here last week. Where is it, the big surprise? I mean I heard a lot of talk but where's the walk? ''[Hall points behind Eric]'' What? Where is he? :''[Kevin Nash, formerly known as Diesel in the WWF, appears from behind and grabs the mike]'' :'''Kevin Nash''': You've been sitting out here for six months running your mouth. This is where the big boys play, huh? Look at the adjective, play [''sic'']. We ain't here to play! Now, he ''[referring to Hall]'' said last week that he was going to bring somebody out here. I'm here. You still don't have your three people and do you know why? Because nobody wants to face us. This show's about as interesting as [[w:Marge Schott|Marge Schott]] reading excerpts from ''[[Mein Kampf]]''. :'''Eric''': No trouble tonight, man. Speak your piece and... :'''Nash''': Yeah, no trouble cause you know, I'll kick your teeth down your throat. Where are these three guys? You know you couldn't get a paleontologist to get these fossils cleared? You ain't got enough guys off a dialysis machine to get a team? Yeah, where's [[w:Hulk Hogan|Hogan]]? Where's Hogan? Out doing another episode of ''[[w:Thunder in Paradise|Blunder in Paradise]]''? Where's the Macho Man huh? Doing some Slim Jim commercial? Hey, we're here! You wanna say something? :'''Eric''': Look, I don't have the authority right here right now. You want a fight? Fight isn't within me. You want to face three guys? Tomorrow morning at 9:00, I'm going to be in Atlanta. I'll be in the offices of WCW. I'll try and get you your fight and do you know what? Live this Sunday in Baltimore, Great American Bash, you guys want to show up? You want a fight? You show up and I'll see if I can get you your fight. :'''Nash''': I don't know about you but they love us in Baltimore. :'''Scott Hall''': Hey big man, I say me and you, we be at the Bash. Maybe these punks want a fight. :'''Nash''': Yeah, bring what you got! The measuring stick just changed around here buddy. You're looking at it. ''[Tosses Bischoff around before he and Hall leave]'' ===July 8=== :'''Mean Gene Okerlund''': Sting, a very somber mood tonight. I can't believe it. I can feel it, you can feel it. These people continue to make our lives very very tenuous. They did it again tonight right in the middle of your match with Arn Anderson. But lets go back to last night. What's your sense of what's happened at the ''Bash at the Beach''? :'''Sting''': I am not at all surprised. What happened last night, I'm not surprised about coming from the two outsiders. But I will say I'm very very surprised at you Hulk Hogan. But I should've known. I should've known that when you were traveling to every town in that big fat limo. I should've known because you didn't want to travel with the Macho Man, the Total Package and the Stinger. Uhn-uhn, you were too busy making big movies and coming in for a little cameo appearance! You were too busy walking on the dark side! I should've known when you referred to the Macho Man, the Total Package and me as "three little dogs" waiting for a chance to wrestle the great Hulk Hogan. I should've known when I looked into your eyes. Do you know something, I made a mistake. But you made a bigger mistake because last night, you wiped out and trashed every single little kid, every single person that was a part of your life, that patterned their life after you! You told them to believe in the man upstairs! You told them to say their prayers and to take their vitamins! You told them to believe in themselves and you know something? It's a good thing you told them to believe in themselves because they sure as heck can't believe in you! :'''Mean Gene''': By the way-- :'''Sting''': ''[grabs mike]'' And last but not least, to put the cherry on the top, all those little kids, you told them to stick it! No, you stick it Hulk! YOU STICK IT! :'''Mean Gene''': That is very strong. By the way, as fate would have it, these two men and their partner last night. Lex Luger got knocked out early by the action so the two of you had to go at it against the Outsiders. But Macho Man Randy Savage, you were very close with Hulk Hogan as I was. You were part of the Mega Powers. And if anybody got it stuck up, stuck up, well, stuck to him, you really got it stuck to you. :'''Randy Savage''': I got a message for Hollywood Hogan. What I want to tell you and what I want to do to you, I can't say here on television especially at Disney. But you take the worst thing you can think about and you multiply it by the number nine million and then you multiply it by infinity and beyond, it would be just like one grain of sand in the Sahara desert brother. Because, it's really really scary. What I'm thinking and going to do to you, yeah! === July 15 === :'''[[w:Gene Okerlund|Mean Gene]]''': Hulk Hogan, Outsiders, you have led us down the primrose path! :'''Hulk Hogan''': Well you know something Gene-o, I wish I would've done this two years ago brother because the New World Order is taking over professional wrestling. Hulk Hogan is bigger than the sport of professional wrestling. And with the Outsiders, the new blood, the foundation of the New World Order, we shall rule the wrestling world Mean Gene! :'''Mean Gene''': [[What about the children]]? You know about the thousands and thousands of telephone calls that came into WCW. Every man, woman and child on the face of the earth is totally disgusted with you Hulk Hogan, including myself! :'''Hulk Hogan''': We all know about the training, the prayers and the vitamins brother and like I said, these people out here, after I led their children down the right path had the gall to boo Hulk Hogan one more time. You fans can stick it brother! :'''Mean Gene''': Wait a minute, I think Sting and Eric Bischoff brought it up earlier on. I think Sting said it best earlier on when he retorted "Hulk Hogan, ''you'' can stick it!" :'''Hulk Hogan''': Well you know something brother, as far as people like Sting go, ten years ago when I shook his hand in Venice Beach, he was a skinny little bodybuilder. And when he laid his eyes on Hulk Hogan, he was shaking in his boots. I heard all the crying from the so called Macho Man. For three years, he blamed his divorce, the fact that he couldn't rise to the occasion on Hulk Hogan brother. And over and over and over and over again this past week, I've heard WCW blame Hulk Hogan for their problems. The only problem is I'm the greatest wrestler in the world, I made professional wrestling, I will always be bigger than wrestling and with these two friends of mine, the New World Order shall rule the wrestling world! :'''Eric''': This conceited jerk! :'''Mean Gene''': You call these guys friends? You know about this man's background and this man's background, this nWo, Where is it going to go? Who's going to be a part of it? I think that's the question we're all asking ourselves and I'm going to ask you. :'''Hulk Hogan''': Well these are the renegades brother! These are the men that when I open the door brother, they had the guts enough to walk through it. These are the guys that are going to set the trend for the nineties. They will lead Hulk Hogan and professional wrestling to its destiny. But these guys are just the foundation. The thing that everybody, the people out there don't realize is as I build my empire, will there be more outsiders that I bring in? Or will it be people that are so close to Ted Turner, maybe Eric Bischoff's friends. Who knows man? Maybe the guys that are in the locker room right now. There's always been a double loyalty man. In this business, they've been loyal to the promoters who have paid their bills and they've also been loyal to Hulk Hogan. Because they know where Hulk Hogan goes, that's where professional wrestling goes. :'''Mean Gene''': You have to vent all of this on these people, the peers of this business. How about the kids that have looked up to you for years and years and now it comes down to this? And this is a pretty good example of the way your life is going to go Hulk Hogan. :'''Hulk Hogan''': Well you know dude, I laid it out straight for all those kids, brother. They didn't want to follow the path, so I'm done with them! But as far as I'm concerned, I'm not going to mess with that skinny little Macho Man or that crybaby Sting. I'm going right to the top of the ladder, brother! And at ''Hog Wild'', brother, on August the 10th, if the [[w:Paul Wight|Giant]] has got guts enough, I'm going to dismantle the whole Ted Turner organization in one night. We're going to take the WCW belt, make it the New World Order belt and we shall reign supreme from that day forward. And as far as I'm concerned brother, if Ted Turner has any boys in the back that have any guts at all, come on out right now! We'll beat up the whole WCW right now, and what are they gonna do?!! === September 16=== :''[Sting comes down to the ring with a microphone]'' :'''Sting''': ''[with his back turned to the main camera]'' I want a chance to explain something that happened last Monday night on ''Nitro''. Last Monday night, I was on an airplane flying from L.A. to Atlanta. When I got to Atlanta, I tuned in the TV to ''Nitro'' and I thought I was watching a rerun. It was a very convincing film. Often imitated but never duplicated though and what else did I see? I saw people, I saw wrestlers, I saw commentators and I saw best friends, doubt the Stinger. That's right, doubt the Stinger. So, I heard Lex Luger say "I know where Sting lives, I know where he works out, I'm gonna go get him!" So I said to myself, "I'll just go into [[seclusion]]. I'll wait and see what happens on ''Saturday Night''." And I tuned in ''Saturday Night'' and what did I see? I saw more of the same, more doubt. Which brings me to ''Fall Brawl''. I knew I had to get to ''Fall Brawl'' to get face to face with the Total Package to let him know that it wasn't me and what I got out of that was, "No, Sting. I DON'T BELEIVE YOU STING!" Well, all I've got to say is, I have been mediator, I have been babysitter, I've given him the benefit of the doubt about a thousand times in the last twelve months! I have carried the WCW banner and I have given my blood, my sweat and my tears for WCW! So for all of those fans out there and all of those wrestlers and people who've never doubted the Stinger, I'll stand by you if you stand by me. But, for all of the people, all of the commentators, all of the wrestlers and all of the best friends who did doubt me, you can stick it! From now on, I consider myself a free agent. But that doesn't mean you won't see the Stinger. From time to time, I'm going to pop in when you least expect it. === November 18=== :''[The show opens with the Outsiders in the ring with chairs having laid out the Nasty Boys and High Voltage. They go down to ringside where Tony and Larry are standing.]'' :'''Larry''': Not again. Not again with this! :'''Tony''': What's the problem here? :'''Kevin Nash''': Does this work? Nice to see you dressed up this week, Larry! ''[to Tony]'' Hey, I don't see you laughing today huh? :'''Scott Hall''': Funny guy, huh? :'''Nash''': I was so funny last week right? Funny like a clown right? Were you laughing at me? I ain't so funny tonight am I? You see, we can put this on any time we want. I can be funny, I can be deadly and so can this man! Hey, let me ask you a question. :'''Hall''': You got the bad neck, right? :'''Nash''': You got the bad neck, right? Do you want to pick up your kids, huh? :'''Tony''': ''[to Larry who's not standing up for Tony]'' Do you want to step in here? :'''Larry''': Hey, you're the one that laughed at them. They let me know what I think. :'''Nash''': You talk about a triangle match, right? There's two of the combatants laid out right now. :'''Hall''': You know, what I want to know is I've been hearing my whole career how scary the Faces of Fear are. They say, everybody says that Meng and the Barbarian are the two toughest guys in the business. Well you tell those two islanders, come on out here and we'll slap that coconut breath out of you. Tell them to come on down. You can't have a Pay Per View in WCW without inviting the nWo. <hr width=50%> :'''Larry''': You can't be upset by what happened. These guys are thugs, they're paid by Dibiase and you're okay. So relax about it, don't be all upset. :'''Tony''': Yeah well, I don't need to be pushed around. I'm not a wrestler. You're a wrestler. So why didn't you step in front for me? How long have we been friends? :'''Larry''': You're okay and I'm not Clint Eastwood. :'''Tony''': Well I can only say this and I'm going to apologize to everybody because I've never done this before at all. But I don't need to be pushed around. I've got five children. I've got a wife. I've got a great job. I'll tell you what, big mouth! Why don't you go ahead? Why don't you go ahead and step in front of me? Why don't you handle the broadcast? Why don't you try play-by-play? :'''Larry''': Don't get upset! :'''Tony''': I don't need guys who are seven feet tall coming out here! ''[takes off his headset and walks away]'' :'''Larry''': I don't need guys seven feet tall either coming out here! <hr width=50%> :''[Eric Bischoff is dismissing Roddy Piper's claim that he leads the NWO, which suddenly comes out and restrains Piper. Hulk Hogan embraces Bischoff, who later shakes Ted DiBiase]'' :'''Hulk Hogan''': Now that everybody realizes who everybody's working for... I mean, my God, this guy right here is the foundation of the WCW. Now he works for the NWO! == 1997 == ===February 10=== :''[Randy Anderson appears with his family to appeal to Eric Bischoff about hiring him back after the events of Souled Out]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': Kids come on up here. It's all right Randy. It's all right, kids, could you do me a favor. Would you please tell your daddy... that he's ''still fired? [NWO laughs]'' Would you do that for me? :'''Montana Anderson''': Please, Mr Bischoff! :'''Bischoff''': Montana please, tell your daddy he's fired, get on with his life. :'''Kevin Nash''': ''[mocks]'' Do it for little Tiny Tim! :'''Syxx''': God bless us everyone! <hr width=50%> :''[Tony Schiavone and Larry Zbyszko review the Piper/Hogan match footage at Starrcade 1996 that Eric Bischoff confiscated and was somehow played, but when the tape suddenly stops as if it was taken off playback, just as Randy Anderson was about to count off Hogan as submitting to Piper...]'' :'''Tony Schiavone''': What's going on here? :'''Zbyszko''': Well that wasn't nothing... :'''Schiavone''': We did not get this - ''[talks to production crew on the headset]'' what happened? Can anybody tell me what happened? The tape stopped? The tape broke? :'''Zbyszko''': Well what happened was - :'''Schiavone''': Someone's getting the tape in the production truck. :'''Zbyszko''': Who's in the truck? :'''Schiavone''': We're trying to find out fans, I apologize. I'm just talking to Craig Leathers, Keith Mitchell, in our video production truck. Someone apparently went and you hear the tape queueing up. You saw right there, I mean the hand was going up and it was gonna be the end of Hollywood Hulk Hogan with the sleeper. We all witnessed what happened, Eric Bischoff went into the video truck and grabbed the tape. :'''Zbyszko''': Well, anyway, the world saw what happened, we knew about it, now the missing footage had been recovered and what happened- :''[Eric Bischoff confronts the announcers with the tape]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': Don't you ever, don't you EVER, EVER, pull a stunt like that again. You or anybody else in this organization ''[puts down mic and starts tearing out the tape]'' ever, ever again. ''[leaves]'' :'''Schiavone''': We'll take a break. :'''Zbyszko''': He could beat up a tape, that's impressive! ===February 17=== :''[Eric Bischoff is fuming mad at Jimmy Jett passing Randy Anderson brass knuckles during his match with Nick Patrick]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': What do you think you're doing?!? You knocked him out! What is this? What is that? You know better than that! You know better than that! You used to be a referee! :'''Jimmy Jett''': Hey he won the match- :'''Bischoff''': You used to be a referee!! You are nothing! ''[to Anderson]'' And YOU. I saw it! Let me, let me tell you what you won. Now, you just won a permanent vacation and you are fired! Fired! Spell it, F-I-R-E-D! Leave the building now! Now! You're fired! :'''Jett''': It's not fair :'''Bischoff''': It's not fair! Take those with you! ===August 25=== :''[the Four Horsemen come out and Arn Anderson has something to say to Mean Gene]'' :'''Arn Anderson''': Well, Gene, all I can tell ya', to get a response like this makes what I got to say tonight mean that much more. Ya' see, I'm a realist. As everybody knows, I've got average size and speed and average ability, but I've parlayed that into what I would call a very successful career. And I did that on sheer will alone. But another reality is four months ago they took four vertebrae out of my neck. Consequently, I'm left with a hand, my left hand, too weak to hold a glass, too weak to button a button. :But I thought in my mind, I knew in my mind I could overcome that too, through sheer will. And I was doing just like that. I think I've come back a long way. But the other day I had something happen in the gym that was like a cold slap in the face of reality. A guy about your size, Gene, came up and he slapped me on the back and he said, 'Double A, where ya' been? We hadn't seen you on TV.' And just that slap sent a jolt through me and I dropped the water I was drinkin' and just for a second my system shut down. And it became crystal clear as I watched the few little drops of water draining out of that bottle the symbolism that was involved. It was like someone had turned an hourglass over and the sand was runnin' out on the career of Arn Anderson. :Now the fact of the matter is not only do I put myself in a suicide situation by trying to wrestle again, I endanger these two men's careers ''[referring to Chris Benoit and Curt Hennig]'' and I respect them too much for that. And rather than being anything other than the Enforcer in my best friend's eyes, I'd rather walk away. And for all of you people out there that have ever bought a ticket to see Arn Anderson wrestle, ''[crowd cheers]'' whether ya' love me or you hated me, you know that when that bell rang you got all I had that night. Whether I won, whether I lost, I gave you everything I had. And you knew that. And when you did this to me ''[makes four finger salute]'' that was your acknowledgement. :Well, the fact is I got nothing left to give. And I want you to remember me as I was, not as I am. But being the man that I am, my last act formally as a Horseman, I got one last challenge and that's to you, Curt Hennig. And don't misunderstand me. It's not for a fight. You got something special. I've seen you in this ring. Your skills, your maturity, your commitment to excellence make you something special. And what my challenge is to you, Curt, is stand beside my best friend, Ric Flair, and lead these two men back to the glory and the prominence that the Four Horsemen once had. And I'm going to tell you what your prize is. It's not a spot in the Horsemen. This is worth a lot more than that to me. I'm going to give you the only thing I got left. Not a spot. I'll give you MY spot. ===September 1=== :''[the NWO comes out spoofing the Four Horsemen, with Kevin Nash as Arn Anderson]'' :'''Kevin Nash''': I take care of Horsemen business. Before I go any further: Let me all of the Horsemen out here know one thing: Guys, the beer is on ice. You know something, it's pretty ironic that on Labour Day WCW would decide to honor me cause anybody that's followed my career knows one thing: You were always wondering when I was gonna go into labour. :You know I sat back that day and I watched that highlight tape of my career and I said to myself: You know: I'm a guy of average size, average speed, average quickness, average looks, average intelligence, average carpentry skills - but you know what? I parlayed that into a wrestling career that I might say so myself was quite excellent. But you know something? Four months ago, I had a neck injury. Subsequently, I lost the feeling in my hand, my left hand. The significance of that: That's the hand I open beer with. But you know something? I willed myself back from that injury. I got to the gym - I didn't do anything there, I walked around - but I got to the gym. And you know what? I started a comeback. :But about a week ago, I went to the neighborhood bar, I bellied up against the bar like only I can and a fat broad - that's right, a fat broad - came up and smacked me in the back. That sent a chill down me... same fat broads that've been following the Horsemen for 20 years. But as I looked at that longneck laying on that cheap industrial grey carpentry, I said to myself: How ironic. That wasn't so much the fact that I was out three dollars and 75 cents, what it was to me was sand tickin' down through the hourglass - and everybody knows, so are the days of our lives. ''[Syxx imitates Ric Flair crying]'' You know one thing you can say, when Arn Anderson was comin' to town - besides the fact that I left a lot of unpaid bar tabs - was Arn Anderson was comin' to town. And you knew if I was on the card, how I was gonna give you 100 per cent - no matter how drunk, how hung over I was. I was gonna give you all ahead. And back in those days before the nWo, you eight people that bought those tickets, got one heck of a show. But you know what? As I come out here tonight, I ask you people: Don't remember how I used to be. Remember me how I look right now. ''[to Konnan as Steve McMichael]'' Good, Mongo! :'''Tony Schiavone''': ''[as Nash talks to Konnan]'' We've reached the lowest point ever in the history of this program. :'''Nash''':''[to Buff Bagwell as Curt Hennig]'' So Curt, that puts me and you and I got a challenge for you. Wait a second, I don't wanna fight you, cause I ain't want one in 20 years. What I got for you is a challenge, because as much as I wanna be a Horseman, I know if I come out here right now, I'd not only put him in danger, I would put my best friend in danger and I can't do that. So what I'm doing tonight is I got a challenge you and I ain't got much to offer you, cause the beer is spoken for. But what I do got is I got a spot. A spot with the Four Horsemen. Not just a spot, not a liver spot, not a 'Spot' like your dog Spot. No, not just any spot – but myyyyy spot. So I need to know right now: Do you accept it? My spot - not their spot, liver spot, not dog Spot, anybody's spot, MY spot to become a Four Horseman. Not my spot, anybody's spot, dog Spot, liver spot, MY spot. :'''Buff Bagwell''': As much as I wanna say, I'm a double-A fan, as much as I wanna say I like to be a Four Horseman, it's hard to say 'cause I don't like you and I don't like the Four Horsemen. But I tell you what... it would be an honor. ''[shakes hand with Nash and raises four fingers]'' :'''Tony Schiavone''': And it's been a total joke now. :'''Bobby Heenan''': Not funny anymore. :'''Schiavone''': No it's not. :'''Heenan''': Not when you know Arn Anderson like we do. ===September 15=== :''[The show opens with footage of Ric Flair after being stitched up in a hospital as a result of last night's Fall Brawl when Curt Hennig slammed the cage door in his head''] :'''Tony Schiavone''': ''[very shaken up]'' Fans, uh... ''Nitro'', as you can see, is on the air. Before I go into this card, I need to say something that I've really never said before. You know, 13 years ago, I got into this business because of Ric Flair. I was a minor league baseball announcer in this same city. He went to bat for me for the promoters and I became a wrestling announcer and when I look back on what has happened to me, I credit Ric Flair. And you have seen Ric Flair and what hap.......I can't do this show. I'm sorry. ''[takes off his headset and leaves]'' ===September 22=== :'''Mean Gene Okerlund''': That's very impressive, a gentleman the stature of Hugh Morrus, and you absolutely got in there and manhandled him tonight. ''[Bill Goldberg just walks away]'' Sir, I've got to get a little bit more than that. Gentleman's just walking away from me. :'''Larry Zbyszko''': Is he a mute? :'''Mean Gene''': I can't believe that. Tony, I haven't seen anything like that. Very impressive. But who is this guy Goldberg? ===November 10=== :''[The NWO appears in the ring with Canadian flags and having brought back Kevin Nash...]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': ...And now the announcement I know I have been waiting to make, 'cause I have been working on this for a long time, the newest addition of the NWO, and Bret Hart, because you were such a... ''[punches the air] knockout'' kind of a guy! ''[everybody laughs, knowing its a reference to Bret punching Vince McMahon after the Montreal Screwjob]'' :'''Hulk Hogan''': He passed the initiation! :'''Bischoff''': We have a special, special ''[pulls out paper from his jacket]'' gift for you. Liz, can you come around here? ''[passes out paper to NWO members]'' All right let's do it. On three, one, two - this is for you, Bret - three ''[the NWO sings O Canada]'' ===November 17=== :'''Rick Rude''': Oh what a difference a day makes. Twenty-four little hours. You know and we all have our 15 minutes of fame and I'd like to take a couple of my 15 minutes to talk about the rights and the wrongs in the world of professional wrestling. What's wrong in the world of professional wrestling is Shawn Michaels claiming to be World Champion when he never beat Bret Hart. What's wrong with the world of professional wrestling is for Vince McMahon to instruct the [[w:Montreal Screwjob|referee to ring the bell]] in order to rob Bret Hart of his title. But on the other hand, what's right in the world of professional wrestling is for Bret Hart to abandon the Titanic and swim to the refuge of the nWo. What's right with the world of professional wrestling is nWo's course to destruct WCW. What's right with the world of professional wrestling is for the nWo to beat the living shit out of the man called Sting. Now the only thing wrong with that entire situation is that I didn't have the chance to participate. Sting second verse is gonna be same as the first. A little bit rowdier and a whole lot worse, because this time Sting, I will partake. ===December 22=== :''[Hulk is in the middle of another promo when a WCW event staffer delivers him a silver gift box]'' :'''Hulk Hogan''': The NWO is just too sweet. Oh, oh my God! ''[sees Bret Hart arrive in a limousine with women and a male waiter accompanying him]'' You're right. It's only one guy. The newest member of the NWO, Bret Hitman Hart. I knew it had to be him, boss. Thank you Bret. ''[opens box and suddenly pulls up a fake severed head of himself; screams in horror]'' Oh my God! ''[points to Bret thinking he delivered the head]'' :'''Mike Tenay''': Looks like a message has been delivered to Hollywood Hulk Hogan and the NWO, Mr Rude. :'''Rick Rude''': What is this? :'''Bobby Heenan''': What is going on now? :'''Rude''': Is Bret Hart trying to say he wants a piece of the NWO? :'''Tenay''': ''[sees spotlight focused on Sting]'' Look at that, it's Sting! He's arrived on the scene. :'''Heenan''': He's on top of the NWO sign, at the top of the building here in Macon. :'''Rude''': ''[as Sting ziplines to the ring]'' Take him out Hollywood, take him out! :'''Tenay''': ''[Hogan scampers out of the ring]'' Sting is on his way to the ring. We'll see you Sunday at Starrcade! == 1998 == ===May 11=== :''[Eric Bischoff shoots on DX's recent assaults]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': As I look through the crowd tonight, I wonder what you must be thinking and I wonder what Vince McMahon is thinking. You know because for the last couple of weeks he's been sending his little wannabes around demanding to talk to ''moi''. The only problem with that is, he only sends them where he knows I'm not going to be. That's okay because I've got a little solution. Sean Waltman, you want an apology from me? You actually show up at our offices on a Monday afternoon when I think even you Sean are smart enough to figure out I probably wouldn't be there. As far as the apology goes - bite me! I apologize to no one. :But I've got a better idea because, Sean, I know you're just a little puppet and you do what Vince McMahon tells you to do, so Vince McMahon, this is for you. I'm coming to your backyard this Sunday. That's right, in Worcester, Massachussetts we've got a little PPV thing going on and I've got a hell of an idea. You want me? I'm gonna be in your back yard. Consider this an open invitation, Vince McMahon. You show up at Slamboree, it will be me and you McMahon, in the ring. How about it, Vinnie? But I want to warn you people right now, if you think Vince McMahon has got the guts to show up, don't buy this PPV because I guarantee you he is not man enough to step into this ring with me. But I'll be there Vinnie Mac, I'll be waiting for you. And I'm going to knock you out. See you there. ===July 6=== :''[The NWO meet somebody who's just arrived and Hogan earlier hinted as somebody Goldberg must defeat first to face him in the main event - Scott Hall]'' :'''Hulk Hogan''': ''[as they walk to the arena]'' You're toast. :'''Scott Hall''': Can't have a party without me, baby. :'''Hogan''': That's right brother. :'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[to Hall]'' God, we missed you! :'''Hall''': I gotta heat things up. :'''Bischoff''': Oh and you know how! :'''Hall''': I gotta heat things up. :'''Hogan''': I like it. :'''Curt Hennig''': How you feeling? :'''Hall''': Too sweet. :'''Hogan''': Got the party goods, we got the goods for the party, let's go! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tony Schiavone''': The fans stand, showing their signs, and we are walking with Goldberg, and security from Goldberg's own locker room area following with him all the way to the ring, as you look live back in the locker room area. Surrounding Goldberg, some of Atlanta's finest, Doug Dillinger as well with WCW security, and here they come. :'''Bobby "The Brain" Heenan''': What's going through his mind right now? I've never been in that situation, going for a world championship, let alone with that list of victories this man has, in his backyard, hometown in front of everybody he played for, played with. What an evening, what drama right now. :'''Tony''': Long walk for Goldberg, but it's been a long wait since he arrived in the Georgia Dome earlier in the day. So what's another long walk for Goldberg? They're almost down here now. :''[Goldberg now walks alone]'' :'''Bobby''': Well, Hogan may be taking a long walk too. A ''real'' long walk back to the dressing room empty-handed. :'''Tony''': But could the unblemished mark, the incredible series of wins by Goldberg come to a crashing end here tonight? :'''Bobby''': And you know, Tony, if Hogan is to defeat this man, you know what the nWo's gonna be like then with Hogan and Eric Bischoff in charge. :'''Tony''': ''[as Goldberg reaches the entrance]'' And there he is. :'''Mike Tenay''': And here comes the eruption. :'''Bobby''': Bigger than before. :'''Tony''': This is his moment. :''[Goldberg stands on the ramp as the pyrotechnics envelope him for twenty seconds. When they subside, he walks to the ring surrounded by the security from before]'' :'''Bobby''': It's a long way down. :'''Tony''': There you look at Goldberg, and think about what Goldberg represents. A virtual unknown in this sport who walked into WCW, and he represents every wrestler who wanted just to walk in here and become the World Champ. That's what he represents as he makes his way to the ring. :'''Bobby''': He looks ready! Do it for me! Do it for the fans! Get rid of Hogan! And what's Hogan's mentality gonna be at ''Bash at the Beach'' if he's not heavyweight champion of the world along with Rodman? <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': Look at Goldberg! He's ready! :'''Tony''': He's poised... ''[Goldberg spears Hulk Hogan]'' Hogan goes down! :'''Bobby''': Okay, there's part one! Now finish him off! Finish him off! :'''Tony''': ''[Goldberg signals for the Jackhammer]'' He's calling for it! :'''Bobby''': This is it! This is it! ''[Goldberg sets Hogan up for the Jackhammer]'' Your career's on the line here! Do it! Do it! This place'll erupt when he picks him up. :'''Tony''': ''[Goldberg lifts Hogan in a suplex]'' He's got him up! ''[...and slams Hogan to the mat]'' Oh Hell Yeah! :'''Tony and Bobby''': ''[counting with the referee]'' One... :'''Tony''': ''[continues]'' ...two...THREE!!! :'''Bobby''': OH, THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! We got a new heavyweight champion of the world! The first undefeated man in the history of this sport to ever win the World Championship, and have a record of 107, 108...who cares?! There's zero on the other side! We've got a new champion! Listen to this! ''[pauses to acknowledge the cheering crowd and "Goldberg" chants]'' Wow. :'''Mike''': Thirty-one-year-old Bill Goldberg, less than ten months in the sport, is on top of the wrestling world. :'''Tony''': ''[off a shirt]'' "Who's next?" :'''Bobby''': Who cares? :'''Tony''': "Who cares" is right. The hero has come through, lades and gentlemen, you have witnessed professional wrestling history on many levels. A man who is undeniably the toughest we have seen in decades, a man who undeniably will lead pro wrestling into the next millennium, stands in the Georgia Dome in front of more than 39,000 fans. :'''Bobby''': Tony, there's a new sheriff in town. :'''Tony''': When we go to ''Bash at the Beach'', Goldberg will be the world champ. Its only six days away. :'''Bobby''': We still got ''Thunder'', Wednesday. :'''Tony''': With the new world champion. Well, there's nothing more that this announce crew can add to what you've been a witness here tonight. It's been a night for the ages, it's been a night that we will never forget because on Monday, July 6th, 1998, Goldberg captured the gold. Goldberg, went to 108 and 0, and in less than one year, Goldberg, the phenomenon that is Bill Goldberg, at age 31, is the heavyweight champion of the world, and they're not going anywhere... :'''Bobby''': No. :'''Tony''': They're still standing, chanting his name, paying homage to their hero. :'''Mike''': Let the celebration begin! :'''Tony''': For Iron Mike Tenay and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan... :'''Bobby''': Thank you!! :'''Tony''': ...and Larry Zsbysko, and Mean Gene, and everybody in pro wrestling... Goodnight, America!! :'''Mike''': Goldberg's the champ! Let's go! ===August 17=== :''[Hollywood Hogan is in the middle of a promo calling out DDP for "somebody from his past." Jim Hellwig, aka Warrior comes in and enters the ring]'' :'''Warrior''': Talk to me, Warriors!!! ''[at top rope]'' Feel the real power, Hogan!! :'''Hollywood Hogan''': ''[shaken by his appearance]'' I thought you were dead! :'''Warrior''': Who holds the absolute power now, Hollywood Hogan? Unleash that raising voice, Warriors! [Warrior Chants] Seems as if no formal introduction is gonna be necessary! Actually, it even seems as if there are those who anticipated my arrival! ''[disgusted at Hogan offering his NWO shirt as if inviting him to join]'' What is that smell? You might want to use it to clean up the mess you just made all over yourself! You need to open your eyes and ears, take control of the limited ability you have to understand the words I am about to say. For years, I have watched while this industry, with you as it's figurehead, has tried to create what is simply un-re-cre-at-able. I have heard, listened to all the innuendos and speculation that something ULTIMATE or WARRIOR may soon reappear. Welcome to the reappearance!</br> Those things, Hogan, which are irreplaceable, whether they be people, places, or things, are never forgotten. You are witnessing that - RIGHT NOW! History tells us, Hogan... ''[“Hogan sucks”-Chants]'' Let's talk about something he doesn't know! History tells us, Hogan, that a man's legacy is build from the premise that within his life the moments lived, once lived, become a piece of his history. Somehow, you have conveniently, even eloquently, misplaced pieces of your history.</br> In the [[WrestleMania#WrestleMania_VI_(1990)|one time, epochal battle between us]], Hogan, you were the quintessential influence of what was good, great, and heroic. But different than you may remember, and albeit you may have beaten myths, legends, giants, and other great men, you never - never - beat a warrior. AND, certainly, not THE ULTIMATE ONE! As a victor of that one-time battle, I defeated what was, until then, undefeatable. I conquered what was then unconquerable. I dominated what was, until then, indomitable. On that day, you were great. I was ULTIMATE!</br> Let me introduce myself, to those two fools that stand behind you. Let's see, this - dude ''[points to the Disciple]'' - must be your barber. And ''[to Eric Bischoff]'' who are you, little man? Who are you? :'''Eric Bischoff''': You know who I am. My name is Eric Bischoff, I run this company and who invited you? :'''Warrior''': ''[laughs]'' Different than you want to make people believe, I never received an invitation, I showed up on my own accord, and let me tell you, Mr. Eric Bischoff, if you stick your nose in my business, you only, very quickly, prepare for your own demise. Furthermore, when I get done with my business here, I'm going to be sending you a bill. I suggest you pay it. I have waited patiently. The WARRIORS have waited all too patiently.</br> Now - NOW - the virtue of justice unties my hands so that I can continue to fulfill a destiny set in motion upon that memorable day years ago - a destiny at the next level - a destiny beckoning the next Super Hero. There really is no sadder sight than when a grown man fears the challenges in his life so much that he rationalises adolescent behaviour to the point where he carries out heinous and self-indulgent actions - YOUR evilness, the evilness you embody and portray, is intolerable.</br> I am the one that has the power to destroy you. It's source, Hogan, the truth, is inexhaustible. I come here, not to beat you up tonight, Hogan - beating you means nothing anymore. Everybody already has. No no no no no no no, that's too easy. Because you felt guilty for being who you were. Your mind became weak and Hulkamania became boring. I come here, Hogan, to tell you next week I intend to launch a revolution not even YOU can control. I ask you to find the courage - check it out - next week, same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel.</br> ===September 14=== :'''Arn Anderson''': Can you smell it, JJ? Take a breath. Can you smell it? When 15,000 people blow the roof off a place, that's what a pop smells like. Take a bow. What you said to me is what all those people have been saying to me for a year and a half, and only a true friend would say that. They said "Arn Anderson, stand up and be a man, like you've always been!" And I couldn't hear those words, 'cause something was in the way and I'm gonna start at the beginning, because you have to start at the beginning because tonight IS a new beginning for the Four Horsemen. :Now when I was a kid, like all kids, people asked you "what do you wanna be when you grow up?" There was no grey area for me, I always knew I wanted to be a wrestler. And when that finally happened for me, it was the proudest day of my life. And in 1986, I started coming to these towns, just like Greenville, South Carolina, as a Horseman. And my life changed forever, and the doors it opened for me, I had never dreamed of. And wrestling the greatest wrestlers in the world in a town like this and all across this country showed me who I was. And every day that I woke up since then I tried to uphold the standards that we, you and I and the rest of us set for ourselves. :And about a year and a half ago, I laid down on an operating table and when I woke up, Arn Anderson the wrestler was dead, and I thought to myself how could I be a Horseman if I couldn't be a wrestler. Well, the fact is I couldn't in my mind... :'''Crowd''': We Want Flair! :'''Arn''': Trust me, everybody's gonna get what they want tonight, Bischoff. Eric Bischoff. :So when I thought I could no longer be a Horsemen, Chris Benoit came to me first and he said "this can all happen." And with that prelude, I would like to bring the other three Horsemen out right now. Steve "Mongo" McMichael, come on down. ''[Steve McMichael enters the ring, as do the other Horsemen when called]'' Chris Benoit, come on down. Dean Malenko, come on down. :Now, before we go any further. Chris Benoit, you got this thing rolling, and I'm gonna go on record as saying, if there's a finer wrestler in all the land than you, I don't know who it is. Your intensity, the first time I saw you wrestle, made you something special. You are something special in my eyes, you knew what it meant to be a Horsemen. You will carry that tradition way past the year 2000. :Mongo McMichael, you're hard-headed, lotta times you're hard to be around, but the fact is in my eyes, you're all man. You're certainly All-Pro, and when this is all said and done, if I've got anything to say about it, you will mean to this sport what you've meant to the sport of pro football. :Now Dean Malenko. I've been out here ya/king for the last ten years about what it meant to be a Horseman: work ethic, respect for the business, respect for each other, respect for the people that came before us. And while I was yakking the last year, and the last couple of months, you were out there fighting the fights for the Horsemen. You exemplify what a Horseman has always meant: overachievement. Being the very best you could be, each and every day of your life, whether you were sick, or hurt, or whatever the case may be, and it makes me proud, now I'm gonna say one more time. I've said that you didn't get it; well, ''I'' didn't get it, because if there was ever a Horseman it makes me a little misty-eyed and real proud to call on this day the finest thing you can be in this sport of professional wrestling, that's a Horseman. :Ladies and gentlemen, through the year 2000, we're gonna do exactly what all of you across this nation have asked: "Arn Anderson, bring back the Horsemen!" But I feel it fair to tell ya, I'm not gonna be responsible for what happens next. 'Cause we don't wear white hats, we're not nice guys, and I can tell you this: heads are gonna roll! So, I've said it: Be careful what you wish for, because now you have it! :Ah, what a goof! What a goof! You know, I get accused of gettin' racked in the head a few times and having a little touch of Alzheimer's. My God! I almost forgot the fourth Horseman! Ric Flair, get on down here! <hr width=50%> :'''Ric Flair''': Thank you, thank you very much. I'm almost embarrassed by the response, but when I see this, I know that the twenty - five years that I've spent trying to make you happy every night of your life was worth every damn minute of it. Now, somebody told me that the Horsemen were having a party tonight in Greenville! Could that be true that the most elite group that Eric Bischoff said was dead, is alive and well? Bischoff, this might be my only shot, and I gotta tell ya, I'm gonna make it my best. Is this what you call a great moment in TV? It's wrong, because this is REAL! This is not bought and paid for! It's a REAL - LIFE - SITUATION! Just like the night in Columbia, South Carolina, when you looked at me - tears in my eyes - and said 'God, that's good TV' - it was real! Arn Anderson passed the torch - it was real, dammit! You think Sting was crying in the dressing room like I was on TV if it wasn't real? This guy, my best friend, is one of the greatest performers who ever lived, and YOU - you squashed him, in one night. Then you get on the phone and tell me, "Disband the Horsemen. They're dead. Disband the Four Horsemen." You know what? I looked at myself in the mirror the next day and I saw a pathetic figure that gave up and quit! And for that, I owe you, the wrestling fans, I owe these guys an apology. Because it won't happen again! ''[Bischoff appears at the entrance way]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': You're history! This is my TV!! :'''Flair''': Bischoff, whatever you think... You're an overbearing asshole! That's right! You're an obnoxious, you're an obnoxious, overbearing ass! Abuse of power! You! Abuse of power! Cut me off! Come on! It's called abuse of power! :'''Bischoff''': You'll never ever wrestle on my television again! :'''Flair''': You suck! You... I hate your guts. I hate your guts. :'''Bischoff''': ''[as he walks away]'' This is my house! You're history! :'''Flair''': You are a liar, you're a cheat, you're a scam, you are a no-good son of a bitch. :'''Bischoff''': You're history! :'''Flair''': Fire me! I'm already fired! Fire me! I'm already fired! ===December 14=== :''[Ric Flair and the Four Horsemen just fought off the NWO, and he's still livid over Eric Bischoff kissing his wife the week before]'' :'''Ric Flair''': BISCHOFF!!! For 25 years, for whatever I have been, good and bad, I've been a man, you son of a bitch! And good or bad, I can walk in the door of my house and know that those kids, and that wife forgave me for everything I ever did wrong because they depended on me to live day in and day out! You, you start out, you come in here, you promise me the world and then you take my career, you try to shitcan that, that didn't work, because ''[to the fans]'' they, right here, 40,000 strong, wouldn't let you do it! :'''Bobby Heenan''': It's the most intense I've ever seen him. :'''Flair''': Then, you put your lawyers on me and you know what, you damn near broke me, but I would like to the wire, I fought you every step of the way. I gave in, I came back, not 'coz of you, but because my little boy, ten years old, walked up to me and said, "Dad, why don't you just beat the hell out of Bischoff and get back in the world?" He didn't understand politics, he didn't understand lawyers, but he understands that every day of his life, his dad said two things to him: Never quit. Promise me for as long as I am alive, you will never quit - and last Thursday night, you stepped over the line AND I ALMOST QUIT! I almost couldn't live it, you put your hands on my children, you kissed my wife, you no-good rotten bastard! What do you think my kids felt when they went to school, embarrassed? No. Shocked? No. You stepped over the line. You took something... :''[Eric Bischoff appears at the entranceway]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[mock sadness]'' Oh, Ric, I feel so bad.. ''[sees Flair running up to him; to security]'' STOP HIM STOP HIM!!! ''[security restrains Flair]'' Come on, come on! Come and get me, come and get me be careful with him, he's got a bad heart! He's got a bad heart! ''[as the officers cuff him]'' Arrest him! Arrest him, so I can fire him!! == 1999 == === January 4=== :'''Tony Schiavone''': If you're even thinking about changing the channel to our competition, fans, do not. Because we understand that Mick Foley, who wrestled here one time as Cactus Jack, is going to win their World Title. ''[sarcastically]'' That's gonna put some butts in the seats. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tony''': Fans, I want to reiterate something I talked about before the commercial break. If you're thinking about changing channels to our competition, we want to let you know that unlike us, they've got their show in the can, their show's been taped. Later tonight, Mick Foley, who once wrestled here as Cactus Jack, is gonna win their World Title. I mean, that's gonna be their World Champion. Ha ha! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tony''': Fans, as you know, it's getting close to the 11:00 hour. We're gonna stay right here, we're gonna follow all the action as long as it takes, so stay with us. These are not taped matches. This is happening live, this is ''Nitro''. ''[Bell rings]'' The bell sounds, Billy Silverman making the call. No matter what happens, we're staying with you here tonight. :'''Bobby "The Brain" Heenan''': Even if it goes on ''all'' night, we're gonna be here. :'''Tony''': That's what we're all about. :'''Bobby''': We're live! :... :'''Tony''': Listen to the fans! Look at Hogan's reaction! :'''Bobby''': Over 40,000+! This is better than a playoff game! :'''Tony''': Hell, this is what pro wrestling, what World Championship Wrestling is all about! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tony''': ''[on Hogan]'' He's been in so many big matches. :'''Bobby''': Boy, he has. :''[Hogan fakes a punch, [[w:Fingerpoke of Doom|then lightly pokes Kevin Nash, who drops to the mat.]] Hogan covers him.]'' :'''Tony''': ''[as Silverman counts]'' What was that about? What's going on here? ''[Silverman counts to three. Hogan, Nash, Hall, and Scott Steiner celebrate in the ring]'' What just happened here? :'''Bobby''': This stinks. :'''Michael Buffer''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner and new Heavyweight Champion of the world, from nWo Hollywood, Hulk Hogan! :'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[having been silent all night]'' It is unbelievable! The new World Heavyweight Champion, Hollywood Hulk Hogan! ===October 11=== :'''Tony Schiavone''': Before we start with tonight's action, Brain, there's something we both, but particularly you, have to say about our longtime friend Gorilla Monsoon. :'''Bobby "The Brain" Heenan''': Gorilla will be sadly missed. He was one big, tough man, he was a decent honest man, and we're all going to miss him very much. And you know the pearly gates in heaven? :'''Tony''': Yeah. :'''Bobby''': It's now gonna be called the Gorilla position. Goodbye, my friend. ==2000== ===February 7=== :''[Scott Steiner, his women, and the NWO are in the ring]'' :'''Scott Steiner''': Now last week, I was watching TV and I watched a 53-year-old man come down here who wears more loose skin than a Shar-Pei puppy come out here saying he's still "The Man." I see Ric Flair No.2, the Nature Boy come out here, who's been the butt-end of all the jokes, 'cause he's supposed to be the limousine-riding, jet-flying son of a gun, but I'm saying one time, you shoulda take a cab, and used to that money to fix that scrooked yellow teeth! So I asked myself, "if WCW was going to hire the Nature Boy No.2, why wouldn't they hire the Nature Boy, the ''original'' Nature Boy, Buddy Rogers?" Now I know that Buddy Rogers is dead - God rest his soul - but Ric Flair, your career is dead! And I know as he lays six feet under, he's still styling and profiling, 'cause when you used your little brain and stole his name, there's one thing you couldn't steal, and that was his class. So when you walked down that aisle last week, I know I wasn't alone, 'cause the people at home, all they did was grab their remote, change the channel to WWF and watch Stone Cold, a person you and your old friends got fired from here 'cause you're a jealous, old bastard. So Ric Flair, remember this, in this wrestling business, there's never been a bigger ass-kissing, butt-sucking bastard in this business, but also in life, you're the biggest ass-kiss, back-stabbing, butt-sucking bastard and you belong where you're at, in WCW, because WCW sucks... and so do you! Me? I'm just gonna stand here in the NWO for life! ===April 10=== :''[Jeff Jarrett reveals Vince Russo as the Powers That Be]'' :'''Vince Russo''': You know, after giving six years of my life to the World Wrestling Federation I came to WCW with one thing in mind - and that was to beat Vince McMahon at his own game! And you know what? Within a matter of weeks, the new blood in WCW was not only getting back in the game, they were changing the game! And that's when the good ol' boy network kicked in - afraid of change, and more importantly afraid of their jobs - the political BS took place in the back to bring Vince Russo down. And you stayin' at home know who you are 'cause you're watching me now. And then one day I'm told that there's gonna be a change in direction - a change that I knew SUCKED! And you know what? I wasn't the only one who knew - Benoit knew - Guerrero knew - Saturn knew - Malenko knew - Douglas knew - and they left! They're gone! Scott Steiner - he knew it, and they suspended his ass! Well you know what? That's all over now. It's done. And Vince Russo is back in charge again. And I wanna turn around now and I wanna say something to everybody in this ring. It is OVER. The old boys management is over. The inflated egos in the back, afraid to lose their spot - it is over. It is the dawning of a new day - it is your opportunity - seize that opportunity! :''[Eric Bischoff appears]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': Are you done yet? Let me tell you something. This man - Vince Russo and I - have more in common than anybody knows. But the big thing is the fact that we were both screwed by the same... good ol' boys network. Vince is right - those days are over. But it's okay! I don't even mind. And you know why I don't mind? Because it's giving me a hell of an opportunity to think about all the great things I did in WCW, but it's also given me an opportunity to realize the mistakes I've made... mistakes like Scott Hall, Kevin Nash, Sting, Diamond Dallas Page, and oh yeah, oh yeah... let's not forget Sid "Wished he was" Vicious. But you know what the biggest mistake I've ever made? I mean this is the real big one. Hulk Hogan. I'm sorry - I really am sorry. :Everybody told me he would screw me - he would use me - they said, do not look into that red and yellow light because you will be blinded. Well, I was blinded, but tonight I've got 20/20 vision - I'm seeing real clearly for the first time in a long time, and right now I want to apologize to everybody in this ring - The New Blood - and I want you guys to know that if there's anything I can do for Vince Russo that will help you, I am there for him - I am there for you, because it is a whole new WCW. And where are they? Where are they, where is Diamond Dallas Page? Where is Sting? Where are they? :'''Russo''': I think they're hiding in the back with the old tail between their legs. ===July 15=== :''[Tony Schiavone and Mark Madden talk about the Billy Kidman/Torrie Wilson sex tape on Nitro and the subsequent segment between Torrie and Shane Douglas on Thunder.]'' :'''Tony Schiavone''': ... that fueled the fire for this "Viagra on a Pole" Match. :'''Mark Madden''': I'll tell you... I'll tell you what, you can't come out of here limping in a match like this. You gotta get it up right away and keep it up. ===August 14=== :'''Vince Russo''': ''[Standing in the ring with Tank Abbott at the start of the show]'' You know, it seems like deja vu all over again. I stood in this very ring [[w:Bash at the Beach|one month ago]], and I made history. I made an example out of somebody... and you all know who [[w:Hulk Hogan|that]] is, because that piece of shit hasn't been around since! Well tonight, I'm gonna make an example on live TV out of another piece of shit, Goldberg! You don't screw with me and the fact is I came out here tonight to fire Bill Goldberg's ass on national TV! Yeah, cheer for him you asshole Canadians! Well you know what? Brad Siegel wouldn't let me fire Goldberg because the fans love Goldberg! Well I say screw the fans and I say screw Bill Goldberg! And Goldberg, since I could not fire your ass, well I'm going to have your ass kicked right here tonight and he's right here Bill. Remember what happened at the Phillips arena Bill? Well we all know that was bullshit! So I say Bill, you bring it out here and lets call it in the ring. Do it Tank! You know, let me explain something to you assholes! You see, Bill Goldberg, Bill Goldberg believes in his own little mind that if this world were real, then he could take everybody! He could kick everybody's ass! He could kick your ass Tank! You know Bill, you think you're Superman, you think you're invincible, you think I can't beat you huh? Well I'll tell you what, I've got the kryptonite to stick up your ass tonight pal! What do I got to do? Do I got to beg you to come out here chickenshit?! What's the matter Bill? You don't want to come out here? You don't know the script? You don't know the storyline? Tank will call your ass! ===September 11=== :''[Big Poppa Pump is interviewed by Mean Gene]'' :'''Scott Steiner''': That's right Mean Gene, I don't lay down for nobody and whether I leave here the world champion tonight, it don't matter because it's not going to change my focus on getting even with Goldberg for fracturing my face at Fall Brawl. Goldberg! I'm getting even for you fracturing my face and I'm gonna prove to you that I'm the man with the largest arms in the world! I'm the genetic freak and size does matter! And that statement, Mean Gene, comes true whether I'm in the ring or out of the ring. See where all my freaks are horizontal, they understand size, they appreciate size and size does matter and they know that they don't have to wait for the Earth to rotate on a 47-degree axis so the stars can touch the sky and create an equinox so they see the Big Dipper. No no no, all they gotta do is call the Big Poppa, cause I'm the man with the big dipper and satisfaction's coming when I go behind and do the bump n' grind and it's only a matter of time before they call me the big bad booty daddy! So Goldberg, realize this. I only care about two things in this world: my freaks and my peaks and I'll beat your ass down at Fall Brawl and I'm about to put you in the Steiner Recliner and I'm gonna whisper in your ear, 'Size does matter, bitch!' ==2001== ===March 19=== :''[Booker T calls out Big Poppa Pump and Ric Flair]'' :'''Booker T''': Yo Steiner, Flair. I told you I was gonna talk to the man and that man is Eric Bischoff, so shut up and listen. :'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[by phone patch]'' Thank you Booker. For those of you in the arena and all of you watching around the country this evening, I would very much would have chosen to be there tonight in person as I could be but given everything that's going on tonight, that's just not possible. Many of you may know that for the past six months I've been working with a group of people whose goal was - and is - to acquire World Championship Wrestling and to grow it once again to becoming a competitive, dominant wrestling organization worldwide. :But recently, we've hit a couple of roadblocks that may be in fact brick walls, and while it is still in my power, I want to do something befitting what could be very well the last night of wrestling on the Turner networks. Given the fact that that wrestling has been such an important part of Turner's history for the past 29 years, I've been thinking over the weekend on what I could do to provide an exciting program that this historic event should be. To that end, I want to make an announcement now that next Monday night in Panama City is indeed going to be a "Night of Champions." By that, I mean every championship will be up for grabs, starting with the World Cruiserweight Championship, the Cruiserweight Tag Team Championships, the World Tag Team championship, the US title, and the World Heavyweight will also be up for grabs next Monday night at Panama City. And Scott Steiner, Booker T, I want you to, to be aware now that your match is going to be a "Title Vs Title" match. The contracts are prepared, a WCW representative is standing by to make sure that the contracts are executed. Read them carefully, sign them, be prepared to defend your titles next Monday night. And also given the historic nature of this occasion and my relationship with this company for nearly ten years, I wanna personally extend an open invitation to any former - and I mean ''any former'' - World Heavyweight champion in WCW to join us in Panama City, and don't be afraid to bring your boots with you. :Lastly, Ric Flair, you and I have had a very rocky relationship over the past ten years and while I have a tremendous amount of respect for you and what you've done in wrestling history and what you've done for WCW for so long now, I want to make sure that in your case, a promise made is a promise kept - and Ric Flair, it is in your best interest this evening - to kiss Dusty Rhodes' ass. ''[Flair is flustered]'' That being said, I'll see you all in Panama City next Monday night, The Night of Champions, thank you. ===March 26=== :''[After the WCW opening logo, Vince McMahon appears]'' :'''Vince McMahon''': Imagine that. Me, Vince McMahon. Imagine that, here I am, on WCW television. How can that happen? Well, there's only one way. You see that it was just a matter of time before I, Vince McMahon, bought my competition. That's right, I own WCW, so therefore in its final broadcast tonight on TNT, I have the opportunity to address ''[hands gesturing to camera]'' you the WCW fans. I have an opportunity to address, you the WCW superstars. What is the fate of WCW? Well tonight, in this special simulcast, you will all find out, because the fate - ''[cups hands]'' the very fate of WCW is in ''my hands''. <hr width=50%/> :''[Ric Flair comes down to the ring]'' :'''Ric Flair''': Did I - Did I - WOOOOO! Did I happen to hear Vince McMahon say he was goin' to hold WCW in the palms of his hands? Is that what he said? Does that mean that YOU are gonna hold Jack Brisco, Dory Funk, Harley Race, the Road Warriors, Sting, Luger, the Steiners, Bagwell, Ric Flair, Steamboat, does that mean you're gonna hold us all in the palm of your hands? To coin a phrase, I don't think so! You know, at twelve o'clock today, someone very special to me said, "Do not go onto that show tonight knowin' it's the last time that you'll ever be on TNT or TBS" - knowing it's the last time, she said to me, "Don't go out there and cry - don't go out there and say you're sorry" because I'm not - I've been fourteen times the World Champion - in my eyes, one of the greatest, you got it! The greatest wrestling organization in the world - WCW! :We... I'm talkin' about the Stings, the Lugers, the Steiners, the Road Warriors - I'm talkin' about my best friend, Arn Anderson and the Four Horsemen - we have been on a par, and we have been equal to any wrestling organization in the world - as a matter of fact, we have run neck and neck with you, Vince McMahon, for years - for YEARS - and just for trivia, Vince McMahon, do you know that in 1981, when you were trying to become an announcer, your dad was on the board of directors and voted for ME to be the world champion - WOOOO! How 'bout that? And ever since that day, I have been a limousine-ridin', jet-flyin', kiss-stealin', wheelin-dealin', son of a gun, that along with the whole WCW dammit all, have kissed the girls worldwide, and made 'em cry! 'Cause ya see, we were every bit the force, we were WCW - we lived, we breathed, we sweat, we paid the price to be the best - never been about the boys - it's always been WWF vs. the WCW in the office - the boys that have gone out there, night in and night out, doing everything they could to be the very best at what they chose to do in their life - those boys are here tonight - we are! :We're not going anywhere, you can't hold us in your hands and predict our life! We're WCW! We've bled and we've sweat - when was the last time you wrestled for an hour, cut yourself five times, bled for 45 minutes... when were you there? You weren't! You weren't! You were never in the dressing room, on the road 40 days and 40 nights, bleedin', sweatin', goin' to the next town, you weren't there, you can't hold people's lives in your hands. We're the greatest wrestling company of all time - I wanna say it again - you can't control us or our future, and in closing, let me say this - in all my years in this sport, my greatest opponent with this company has been Sting - so tonight, if we're going out, if we're going out on a high note, Stinger, the Nature Boy wants you right here, because - that's right - that's right - ya hear it, Sting? Sting, my greatest opponent - Sting, it's your last chance - your last chance to be... ''[crowd chants Sting]'' Sting, Sting, Sting, Sting, Sting, Sting - Sting! To be - the man, you've gotta beat the man, and Sting... I'M. THE. MAN. WOOOOOO! <hr width=50%/> :''[after a segment where Vince McMahon admonishes Michael Cole over his questions about WCW wrestlers' job security and his own job security, then toasting with Trish Stratus]'' :'''Tony Schiavone''': How do we all feel? :'''Scott Hudson''': How do we all feel about our own job security? :'''Schiavone''': Where does WCW go from here? What's in the cards? What's going to, what's going to happen, tonight on this telecast? :'''Hudson''': What is gonna happen? :'''Schiavone''': Is this it? I mean this is... Fans, we're reacting and we could only react to what you see as well, we don't know. :'''Hudson''': Mr McMahon has said there's gonna be a simulcast tonight. What's he gonna say? When's he gonna say it? :'''Schiavone''': ''[as the WCW World Tag Team Championship match begins]'' The wrestlers, the fans are concerned. The people who worked for WCW are concerned, who have sweat, bled for this company for years, we are all very concerned about the future of WCW, about the future of, well, right there our brand of wrestling. <hr width=50%/> :''[In a prerecorded video, DDP reflects on his WCW journey]'' :'''Diamond Dallas Page''': In the words of the Grateful Dead, what a long strange trip it's been, but I gotta tell you, I've loved every second of it, wouldn't trade it for nothing. And tonight, on this historic eve, I thought I needed to thank all the wrestling fans from around the world, for letting a kid from the Jersey Shore, Page Joseph Falkenberg, become Diamond Dallas Page. The guy they said would never make it but did. And that proves only one thing, if you want it bad enough and you're willing to work for it, anything's possible. It's not the promoters who decide who's over, it's the fans, so not just to thanks the fans in general, I want to specially thank, the WCW wrestling fans and my wife, Kimberly, for believing in me, and helping me live my dream. Is that dream over? I don't think so, I think now it's time to take it to another level. ''[to camera]'' Thank you. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the WCW Cruiserweight Tag Team Championship match begins, Tony Schiavone goes a bit off-script upon learning of William Regal talking to Vince McMahon over his purchase of WCW]'' :'''Tony Schiavone''': I don't want to sit here, and as a person who's been on Monday Nitro for many years, it hits you to hear anything that he once said... Mr McMahon, it's his money, he can do whatever he wants, I don't know what he's gonna do tonight, but let me say this: to sit here and listen to their Commissioner, rip WCW? :'''Scott Hudson''': Yes. :'''Schiavone''': Come on. I mean, we've had to do some crazy things, Steve Regal, including putting your ass over on TV! <hr width=50%/> :''[calling the match between Sting and Ric Flair]'' :'''Tony Schiavone''': ''[sees Sting Superplex Flair]'' Yes, he got it down. What's Sting gonna do now? ''[Scorpion Deathlock]'' Scorpion Deathlock!! He's got it on! :'''Scott Hudson''': Center of the ring! :'''Schiavone''': ''[Flair quits]'' It's over! It's over!! It's Sting! Sting wins! Sting defeats Ric Flair here on the final telecast of ''WCW Monday Nitro'' on TNT. And look at that, my god that he's gonna help him up. And the embrace, it's what we're all about. :'''Hudson''': Sting knows that Ric Flair made him at that Clash of the Champions. That's ultimate respect. :'''Schiavone''': It really is. :'''Hudson''': For two men, I have to say, that have huge fans of, they may be continue to be fans of professional wrestling. Thank you Steve Borden, thank you Ric Flair, for everything you've meant to this sport. :'''Schiavone''': It's an emotional rollercoaster for all of us fans. The uncertainty of our jobs, our future of what we love, what we breathe, and what we live. We don't just work for WCW, we lived WCW, and I know Flair is thinking that the fans would agree. == External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:TNT shows]] [[Category:American sports TV shows]] kwcdjp9ahrubrqnwlzn3cjl2otko68u 3158110 3158043 2022-08-26T11:00:16Z Eaglestorm 16205 /* August 17 */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[w:WCW Monday Nitro|WCW Monday Nitro]] was a professional wrestling program that aired on TNT Monday nights from September 4th, 1995 to March 26 2001. == 1995 == === September 4 === :''[Recent ex-WWF talent Lex Luger shows up at the beginning of the Sting/Ric Flair matchup.]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[notices Lex]'' Oooh, what in the hell is he doing here?! Get the camera off of him! :'''Steve "Mongo" McMichael''': What is this? :'''Bobby "The Brain" Heenan''': Wait a minute. He's got a right to be here, this is a [[w:Mall of America|public mall]]. :'''Eric''': Get him out of here! :'''Steve''': Somebody call the security guards! :'''Eric''': ''[as the crowd starts chanting "Luger! Luger!"]'' What?! Get the security and get him out of here! :'''Bobby''': What's he doing wrong? What is he doing wrong? :'''Steve''': This is just unabashed arrogance. :'''Eric''': We have a major problem here. :'''Bobby''': We have a situation starting here. A big one. :'''Eric''': I want to know what he's doing here. :'''Bobby''': Well don't ask me! Get on the headsets to the truck, ask somebody. === December 18 === :''[Madusa makes her way to the announce booth at the start of the show.]'' :'''Madusa''': All right. Can it everyone! ''[to Mongo]'' You too bad dog! I am Madusa, always have been Madusa and always will be Madusa. This is the WWF Women's Championship belt. :'''Eric''': Whoa... Whoa! Wait a minute. ''[sees Madusa pick up a trash can and dump the belt in it]'' What? Look...that indeed it is! :'''Steve''': ''[as Madusa does the act]'' Not in the trash can! :'''Madusa''': And that's what I think of the WWF Women's Championship belt. This is the WCW, I am now in the WCW and they used to call me Alundra Blayze. But not anymore because this is where the big boys play and now this is where the big girls play! ''[dumps mic in the trash can as well]'' :'''Eric''': Holy smokes! Madusa, the WWF Women's Championship and the belt right here on Nitro. The belt in the trash can and I tell you what, I'm in shock! Wow! :'''Steve''': Oh she got covered, she just got sucked up on that one in Connecticut, didn't she? :'''Eric''': I'll tell you what... :'''Bobby''': What a doll. == 1996 == === May 27 === :'''Tony Schiavone''': Welcome back live to the first hour of this edition of ''WCW Monday Nitro'' on TNT! Tony Schiavone and Larry Zbyszko. And we are taking a look at the Mauler completely maul his opponent Steve Doll. :'''Larry Zbyszko''': Well you know, Steve Doll's trying to get an offensive going. :'''Tony''': ''[notices the crowd suddenly standing up for a [[w:Scott Hall|large man]] who just came in through the audience]'' Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here? :'''Larry''': But the Mauler, well he just got reversed right there. The Mauler runs him down. :'''Tony''': That's not what I'm talking about. :'''Larry''': What are you talking about?! :''[The man, Scott Hall, leaps over the railing]'' :'''Tony''': Look here. :'''Larry''': Well, what the hell? :'''Scott Hall''': Get me a mic! :'''Larry''': What's with this? :'''Tony''': We need security out here. I have no idea, wait a minute! I can't believe what we're seeing. :'''Hall''': ''[climbing into the ring]'' Hey, you people, you know who I am, but you don't know why I'm here. Where is Billionaire Ted? Where is the Nacho Man? That punk can't even get in the building. Me, I go wherever I want, whenever I want. And where, oh where is Scheme Gene? 'Cause I've got a scoop for you. When that Ken-doll lookalike, when that weatherman wannabe comes out here later tonight, I got a challenge for him, for Billionaire Ted, for the Nacho Man and for anybody else in uh...WCW, huh-huh-huh. Hey, you want to go to war? You want a war? You're gonna get one! ''[leaves]'' :'''Tony''': Fans, what about the match? I don't know what to say. Randy Anderson's coming-- Randy. Randy, what's going on here? What about the match, Randy? What's going on? The match. Fans, we've gotta go to a break. :'''Larry''': The match left! :'''Tony''': I have no idea what to say. Stay with us. Geez. <hr width=50%> :'''Scott Hall''': Hey, lookie here. :'''Eric Bischoff''': You wanted to say some- :'''Hall''': ''[as Eric talks]'' Ken doll, you got such a big mouth and we, we are sick of it. :'''Eric''': What do you mean? Who's we? :'''Hall''': You know who. This is where the "big boys play"? What a joke! I tell you what, you go tell Billionaire Ted, you tell him, "Get three of his very very best." Maybe the Nacho Man! "Oooooooh....No." Hey, maybe he can get the Stinger! Ooooh, I'm so scared. You go get anybody you want because we... :'''Eric''': Who do you mean "We"? :'''Hall''': We are taking over. You wanna go to war? You wanna war? You got one. Only, only let's do it right. In the ring where it matters. Not in no microphones. Not in no newspapers or dirtsheets. Let's do it in the ring where it matters. If uh, if Billionaire Ted and his big boys, if they got any, uh guts... :'''Eric''': You're stepping over the line. :'''Hall''': Because we are coming down here and like it or not, :'''Eric''': Not. :'''Hall''': We are taking over. ''[throws his toothpick at Eric.]'' :'''Eric''': ''[calmly]'' You're outta here. :'''Hall''': If you say so! :'''Eric''': You're outta here. ''[visibly shaken, looks at Heenan, then recomposes]'' I don't know what to say. We'll see you next week. ===June 3=== :''[Scott Hall appears again at the announce booth]'' :'''Scott Hall''': Just relax ''chico''. Yo, Ken Doll, I had such a good time last week that I came back for more. :'''Eric''': Look there's no reason... :'''Scott Hall''': Look, look, look, relax man, relax. You started it. You want to go to war? You got a war. You started it, we gonna finish it. :'''Eric''': What do you mean "We"? You come up with this We stuff. :'''Scott Hall''': You know who man. You know who. Did Daddy Warbucks? Did he get his money yet? :'''Eric''': ''[sees [[w:Steve Borden|Sting]] come out]'' Wait a minute, Stinger. Not here, not now. Don't even dignify it man. :'''Sting''': You came out here last week and said some real horrible things about WCW. Some real horrible things about the Hulkster, about the Macho Man, about the Stinger. Somewhere along the way, you got lost because do you have any idea where you are? You're in the jungle baby! This is WCW! That's right! Hold on! And every week you come out here and you say you want three of the best. :'''Scott Hall''': That's right man, three of the best. :'''Sting''': You want three of the best, I don't see two of you. All I see is you and me. So why don't we just do this one on one right here, right now! :'''Scott Hall''': Yo, yo, you wanna fight man? You wanna fight? You got one. Only, no one tells me what to do and ''chico'', nobody tells me when to do it. ''[throws his toothpick at Sting. Sting responds by slapping Hall]'' Ok, ok tough guy. I got a little, no, I got big surprise for you next week. === June 10=== :''[Scott Hall shows up again]'' :'''Eric''': Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I don't want any trouble from you. I don't want any trouble with you here, now, but I don't have to point out. You came out here last week. Where is it, the big surprise? I mean I heard a lot of talk but where's the walk? ''[Hall points behind Eric]'' What? Where is he? :''[Kevin Nash, formerly known as Diesel in the WWF, appears from behind and grabs the mike]'' :'''Kevin Nash''': You've been sitting out here for six months running your mouth. This is where the big boys play, huh? Look at the adjective, play [''sic'']. We ain't here to play! Now, he ''[referring to Hall]'' said last week that he was going to bring somebody out here. I'm here. You still don't have your three people and do you know why? Because nobody wants to face us. This show's about as interesting as [[w:Marge Schott|Marge Schott]] reading excerpts from ''[[Mein Kampf]]''. :'''Eric''': No trouble tonight, man. Speak your piece and... :'''Nash''': Yeah, no trouble cause you know, I'll kick your teeth down your throat. Where are these three guys? You know you couldn't get a paleontologist to get these fossils cleared? You ain't got enough guys off a dialysis machine to get a team? Yeah, where's [[w:Hulk Hogan|Hogan]]? Where's Hogan? Out doing another episode of ''[[w:Thunder in Paradise|Blunder in Paradise]]''? Where's the Macho Man huh? Doing some Slim Jim commercial? Hey, we're here! You wanna say something? :'''Eric''': Look, I don't have the authority right here right now. You want a fight? Fight isn't within me. You want to face three guys? Tomorrow morning at 9:00, I'm going to be in Atlanta. I'll be in the offices of WCW. I'll try and get you your fight and do you know what? Live this Sunday in Baltimore, Great American Bash, you guys want to show up? You want a fight? You show up and I'll see if I can get you your fight. :'''Nash''': I don't know about you but they love us in Baltimore. :'''Scott Hall''': Hey big man, I say me and you, we be at the Bash. Maybe these punks want a fight. :'''Nash''': Yeah, bring what you got! The measuring stick just changed around here buddy. You're looking at it. ''[Tosses Bischoff around before he and Hall leave]'' ===July 8=== :'''Mean Gene Okerlund''': Sting, a very somber mood tonight. I can't believe it. I can feel it, you can feel it. These people continue to make our lives very very tenuous. They did it again tonight right in the middle of your match with Arn Anderson. But lets go back to last night. What's your sense of what's happened at the ''Bash at the Beach''? :'''Sting''': I am not at all surprised. What happened last night, I'm not surprised about coming from the two outsiders. But I will say I'm very very surprised at you Hulk Hogan. But I should've known. I should've known that when you were traveling to every town in that big fat limo. I should've known because you didn't want to travel with the Macho Man, the Total Package and the Stinger. Uhn-uhn, you were too busy making big movies and coming in for a little cameo appearance! You were too busy walking on the dark side! I should've known when you referred to the Macho Man, the Total Package and me as "three little dogs" waiting for a chance to wrestle the great Hulk Hogan. I should've known when I looked into your eyes. Do you know something, I made a mistake. But you made a bigger mistake because last night, you wiped out and trashed every single little kid, every single person that was a part of your life, that patterned their life after you! You told them to believe in the man upstairs! You told them to say their prayers and to take their vitamins! You told them to believe in themselves and you know something? It's a good thing you told them to believe in themselves because they sure as heck can't believe in you! :'''Mean Gene''': By the way-- :'''Sting''': ''[grabs mike]'' And last but not least, to put the cherry on the top, all those little kids, you told them to stick it! No, you stick it Hulk! YOU STICK IT! :'''Mean Gene''': That is very strong. By the way, as fate would have it, these two men and their partner last night. Lex Luger got knocked out early by the action so the two of you had to go at it against the Outsiders. But Macho Man Randy Savage, you were very close with Hulk Hogan as I was. You were part of the Mega Powers. And if anybody got it stuck up, stuck up, well, stuck to him, you really got it stuck to you. :'''Randy Savage''': I got a message for Hollywood Hogan. What I want to tell you and what I want to do to you, I can't say here on television especially at Disney. But you take the worst thing you can think about and you multiply it by the number nine million and then you multiply it by infinity and beyond, it would be just like one grain of sand in the Sahara desert brother. Because, it's really really scary. What I'm thinking and going to do to you, yeah! === July 15 === :'''[[w:Gene Okerlund|Mean Gene]]''': Hulk Hogan, Outsiders, you have led us down the primrose path! :'''Hulk Hogan''': Well you know something Gene-o, I wish I would've done this two years ago brother because the New World Order is taking over professional wrestling. Hulk Hogan is bigger than the sport of professional wrestling. And with the Outsiders, the new blood, the foundation of the New World Order, we shall rule the wrestling world Mean Gene! :'''Mean Gene''': [[What about the children]]? You know about the thousands and thousands of telephone calls that came into WCW. Every man, woman and child on the face of the earth is totally disgusted with you Hulk Hogan, including myself! :'''Hulk Hogan''': We all know about the training, the prayers and the vitamins brother and like I said, these people out here, after I led their children down the right path had the gall to boo Hulk Hogan one more time. You fans can stick it brother! :'''Mean Gene''': Wait a minute, I think Sting and Eric Bischoff brought it up earlier on. I think Sting said it best earlier on when he retorted "Hulk Hogan, ''you'' can stick it!" :'''Hulk Hogan''': Well you know something brother, as far as people like Sting go, ten years ago when I shook his hand in Venice Beach, he was a skinny little bodybuilder. And when he laid his eyes on Hulk Hogan, he was shaking in his boots. I heard all the crying from the so called Macho Man. For three years, he blamed his divorce, the fact that he couldn't rise to the occasion on Hulk Hogan brother. And over and over and over and over again this past week, I've heard WCW blame Hulk Hogan for their problems. The only problem is I'm the greatest wrestler in the world, I made professional wrestling, I will always be bigger than wrestling and with these two friends of mine, the New World Order shall rule the wrestling world! :'''Eric''': This conceited jerk! :'''Mean Gene''': You call these guys friends? You know about this man's background and this man's background, this nWo, Where is it going to go? Who's going to be a part of it? I think that's the question we're all asking ourselves and I'm going to ask you. :'''Hulk Hogan''': Well these are the renegades brother! These are the men that when I open the door brother, they had the guts enough to walk through it. These are the guys that are going to set the trend for the nineties. They will lead Hulk Hogan and professional wrestling to its destiny. But these guys are just the foundation. The thing that everybody, the people out there don't realize is as I build my empire, will there be more outsiders that I bring in? Or will it be people that are so close to Ted Turner, maybe Eric Bischoff's friends. Who knows man? Maybe the guys that are in the locker room right now. There's always been a double loyalty man. In this business, they've been loyal to the promoters who have paid their bills and they've also been loyal to Hulk Hogan. Because they know where Hulk Hogan goes, that's where professional wrestling goes. :'''Mean Gene''': You have to vent all of this on these people, the peers of this business. How about the kids that have looked up to you for years and years and now it comes down to this? And this is a pretty good example of the way your life is going to go Hulk Hogan. :'''Hulk Hogan''': Well you know dude, I laid it out straight for all those kids, brother. They didn't want to follow the path, so I'm done with them! But as far as I'm concerned, I'm not going to mess with that skinny little Macho Man or that crybaby Sting. I'm going right to the top of the ladder, brother! And at ''Hog Wild'', brother, on August the 10th, if the [[w:Paul Wight|Giant]] has got guts enough, I'm going to dismantle the whole Ted Turner organization in one night. We're going to take the WCW belt, make it the New World Order belt and we shall reign supreme from that day forward. And as far as I'm concerned brother, if Ted Turner has any boys in the back that have any guts at all, come on out right now! We'll beat up the whole WCW right now, and what are they gonna do?!! === September 16=== :''[Sting comes down to the ring with a microphone]'' :'''Sting''': ''[with his back turned to the main camera]'' I want a chance to explain something that happened last Monday night on ''Nitro''. Last Monday night, I was on an airplane flying from L.A. to Atlanta. When I got to Atlanta, I tuned in the TV to ''Nitro'' and I thought I was watching a rerun. It was a very convincing film. Often imitated but never duplicated though and what else did I see? I saw people, I saw wrestlers, I saw commentators and I saw best friends, doubt the Stinger. That's right, doubt the Stinger. So, I heard Lex Luger say "I know where Sting lives, I know where he works out, I'm gonna go get him!" So I said to myself, "I'll just go into [[seclusion]]. I'll wait and see what happens on ''Saturday Night''." And I tuned in ''Saturday Night'' and what did I see? I saw more of the same, more doubt. Which brings me to ''Fall Brawl''. I knew I had to get to ''Fall Brawl'' to get face to face with the Total Package to let him know that it wasn't me and what I got out of that was, "No, Sting. I DON'T BELEIVE YOU STING!" Well, all I've got to say is, I have been mediator, I have been babysitter, I've given him the benefit of the doubt about a thousand times in the last twelve months! I have carried the WCW banner and I have given my blood, my sweat and my tears for WCW! So for all of those fans out there and all of those wrestlers and people who've never doubted the Stinger, I'll stand by you if you stand by me. But, for all of the people, all of the commentators, all of the wrestlers and all of the best friends who did doubt me, you can stick it! From now on, I consider myself a free agent. But that doesn't mean you won't see the Stinger. From time to time, I'm going to pop in when you least expect it. === November 18=== :''[The show opens with the Outsiders in the ring with chairs having laid out the Nasty Boys and High Voltage. They go down to ringside where Tony and Larry are standing.]'' :'''Larry''': Not again. Not again with this! :'''Tony''': What's the problem here? :'''Kevin Nash''': Does this work? Nice to see you dressed up this week, Larry! ''[to Tony]'' Hey, I don't see you laughing today huh? :'''Scott Hall''': Funny guy, huh? :'''Nash''': I was so funny last week right? Funny like a clown right? Were you laughing at me? I ain't so funny tonight am I? You see, we can put this on any time we want. I can be funny, I can be deadly and so can this man! Hey, let me ask you a question. :'''Hall''': You got the bad neck, right? :'''Nash''': You got the bad neck, right? Do you want to pick up your kids, huh? :'''Tony''': ''[to Larry who's not standing up for Tony]'' Do you want to step in here? :'''Larry''': Hey, you're the one that laughed at them. They let me know what I think. :'''Nash''': You talk about a triangle match, right? There's two of the combatants laid out right now. :'''Hall''': You know, what I want to know is I've been hearing my whole career how scary the Faces of Fear are. They say, everybody says that Meng and the Barbarian are the two toughest guys in the business. Well you tell those two islanders, come on out here and we'll slap that coconut breath out of you. Tell them to come on down. You can't have a Pay Per View in WCW without inviting the nWo. <hr width=50%> :'''Larry''': You can't be upset by what happened. These guys are thugs, they're paid by Dibiase and you're okay. So relax about it, don't be all upset. :'''Tony''': Yeah well, I don't need to be pushed around. I'm not a wrestler. You're a wrestler. So why didn't you step in front for me? How long have we been friends? :'''Larry''': You're okay and I'm not Clint Eastwood. :'''Tony''': Well I can only say this and I'm going to apologize to everybody because I've never done this before at all. But I don't need to be pushed around. I've got five children. I've got a wife. I've got a great job. I'll tell you what, big mouth! Why don't you go ahead? Why don't you go ahead and step in front of me? Why don't you handle the broadcast? Why don't you try play-by-play? :'''Larry''': Don't get upset! :'''Tony''': I don't need guys who are seven feet tall coming out here! ''[takes off his headset and walks away]'' :'''Larry''': I don't need guys seven feet tall either coming out here! <hr width=50%> :''[Eric Bischoff is dismissing Roddy Piper's claim that he leads the NWO, which suddenly comes out and restrains Piper. Hulk Hogan embraces Bischoff, who later shakes Ted DiBiase]'' :'''Hulk Hogan''': Now that everybody realizes who everybody's working for... I mean, my God, this guy right here is the foundation of the WCW. Now he works for the NWO! == 1997 == ===February 10=== :''[Randy Anderson appears with his family to appeal to Eric Bischoff about hiring him back after the events of Souled Out]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': Kids come on up here. It's all right Randy. It's all right, kids, could you do me a favor. Would you please tell your daddy... that he's ''still fired? [NWO laughs]'' Would you do that for me? :'''Montana Anderson''': Please, Mr Bischoff! :'''Bischoff''': Montana please, tell your daddy he's fired, get on with his life. :'''Kevin Nash''': ''[mocks]'' Do it for little Tiny Tim! :'''Syxx''': God bless us everyone! <hr width=50%> :''[Tony Schiavone and Larry Zbyszko review the Piper/Hogan match footage at Starrcade 1996 that Eric Bischoff confiscated and was somehow played, but when the tape suddenly stops as if it was taken off playback, just as Randy Anderson was about to count off Hogan as submitting to Piper...]'' :'''Tony Schiavone''': What's going on here? :'''Zbyszko''': Well that wasn't nothing... :'''Schiavone''': We did not get this - ''[talks to production crew on the headset]'' what happened? Can anybody tell me what happened? The tape stopped? The tape broke? :'''Zbyszko''': Well what happened was - :'''Schiavone''': Someone's getting the tape in the production truck. :'''Zbyszko''': Who's in the truck? :'''Schiavone''': We're trying to find out fans, I apologize. I'm just talking to Craig Leathers, Keith Mitchell, in our video production truck. Someone apparently went and you hear the tape queueing up. You saw right there, I mean the hand was going up and it was gonna be the end of Hollywood Hulk Hogan with the sleeper. We all witnessed what happened, Eric Bischoff went into the video truck and grabbed the tape. :'''Zbyszko''': Well, anyway, the world saw what happened, we knew about it, now the missing footage had been recovered and what happened- :''[Eric Bischoff confronts the announcers with the tape]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': Don't you ever, don't you EVER, EVER, pull a stunt like that again. You or anybody else in this organization ''[puts down mic and starts tearing out the tape]'' ever, ever again. ''[leaves]'' :'''Schiavone''': We'll take a break. :'''Zbyszko''': He could beat up a tape, that's impressive! ===February 17=== :''[Eric Bischoff is fuming mad at Jimmy Jett passing Randy Anderson brass knuckles during his match with Nick Patrick]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': What do you think you're doing?!? You knocked him out! What is this? What is that? You know better than that! You know better than that! You used to be a referee! :'''Jimmy Jett''': Hey he won the match- :'''Bischoff''': You used to be a referee!! You are nothing! ''[to Anderson]'' And YOU. I saw it! Let me, let me tell you what you won. Now, you just won a permanent vacation and you are fired! Fired! Spell it, F-I-R-E-D! Leave the building now! Now! You're fired! :'''Jett''': It's not fair :'''Bischoff''': It's not fair! Take those with you! ===August 25=== :''[the Four Horsemen come out and Arn Anderson has something to say to Mean Gene]'' :'''Arn Anderson''': Well, Gene, all I can tell ya', to get a response like this makes what I got to say tonight mean that much more. Ya' see, I'm a realist. As everybody knows, I've got average size and speed and average ability, but I've parlayed that into what I would call a very successful career. And I did that on sheer will alone. But another reality is four months ago they took four vertebrae out of my neck. Consequently, I'm left with a hand, my left hand, too weak to hold a glass, too weak to button a button. :But I thought in my mind, I knew in my mind I could overcome that too, through sheer will. And I was doing just like that. I think I've come back a long way. But the other day I had something happen in the gym that was like a cold slap in the face of reality. A guy about your size, Gene, came up and he slapped me on the back and he said, 'Double A, where ya' been? We hadn't seen you on TV.' And just that slap sent a jolt through me and I dropped the water I was drinkin' and just for a second my system shut down. And it became crystal clear as I watched the few little drops of water draining out of that bottle the symbolism that was involved. It was like someone had turned an hourglass over and the sand was runnin' out on the career of Arn Anderson. :Now the fact of the matter is not only do I put myself in a suicide situation by trying to wrestle again, I endanger these two men's careers ''[referring to Chris Benoit and Curt Hennig]'' and I respect them too much for that. And rather than being anything other than the Enforcer in my best friend's eyes, I'd rather walk away. And for all of you people out there that have ever bought a ticket to see Arn Anderson wrestle, ''[crowd cheers]'' whether ya' love me or you hated me, you know that when that bell rang you got all I had that night. Whether I won, whether I lost, I gave you everything I had. And you knew that. And when you did this to me ''[makes four finger salute]'' that was your acknowledgement. :Well, the fact is I got nothing left to give. And I want you to remember me as I was, not as I am. But being the man that I am, my last act formally as a Horseman, I got one last challenge and that's to you, Curt Hennig. And don't misunderstand me. It's not for a fight. You got something special. I've seen you in this ring. Your skills, your maturity, your commitment to excellence make you something special. And what my challenge is to you, Curt, is stand beside my best friend, Ric Flair, and lead these two men back to the glory and the prominence that the Four Horsemen once had. And I'm going to tell you what your prize is. It's not a spot in the Horsemen. This is worth a lot more than that to me. I'm going to give you the only thing I got left. Not a spot. I'll give you MY spot. ===September 1=== :''[the NWO comes out spoofing the Four Horsemen, with Kevin Nash as Arn Anderson]'' :'''Kevin Nash''': I take care of Horsemen business. Before I go any further: Let me all of the Horsemen out here know one thing: Guys, the beer is on ice. You know something, it's pretty ironic that on Labour Day WCW would decide to honor me cause anybody that's followed my career knows one thing: You were always wondering when I was gonna go into labour. :You know I sat back that day and I watched that highlight tape of my career and I said to myself: You know: I'm a guy of average size, average speed, average quickness, average looks, average intelligence, average carpentry skills - but you know what? I parlayed that into a wrestling career that I might say so myself was quite excellent. But you know something? Four months ago, I had a neck injury. Subsequently, I lost the feeling in my hand, my left hand. The significance of that: That's the hand I open beer with. But you know something? I willed myself back from that injury. I got to the gym - I didn't do anything there, I walked around - but I got to the gym. And you know what? I started a comeback. :But about a week ago, I went to the neighborhood bar, I bellied up against the bar like only I can and a fat broad - that's right, a fat broad - came up and smacked me in the back. That sent a chill down me... same fat broads that've been following the Horsemen for 20 years. But as I looked at that longneck laying on that cheap industrial grey carpentry, I said to myself: How ironic. That wasn't so much the fact that I was out three dollars and 75 cents, what it was to me was sand tickin' down through the hourglass - and everybody knows, so are the days of our lives. ''[Syxx imitates Ric Flair crying]'' You know one thing you can say, when Arn Anderson was comin' to town - besides the fact that I left a lot of unpaid bar tabs - was Arn Anderson was comin' to town. And you knew if I was on the card, how I was gonna give you 100 per cent - no matter how drunk, how hung over I was. I was gonna give you all ahead. And back in those days before the nWo, you eight people that bought those tickets, got one heck of a show. But you know what? As I come out here tonight, I ask you people: Don't remember how I used to be. Remember me how I look right now. ''[to Konnan as Steve McMichael]'' Good, Mongo! :'''Tony Schiavone''': ''[as Nash talks to Konnan]'' We've reached the lowest point ever in the history of this program. :'''Nash''':''[to Buff Bagwell as Curt Hennig]'' So Curt, that puts me and you and I got a challenge for you. Wait a second, I don't wanna fight you, cause I ain't want one in 20 years. What I got for you is a challenge, because as much as I wanna be a Horseman, I know if I come out here right now, I'd not only put him in danger, I would put my best friend in danger and I can't do that. So what I'm doing tonight is I got a challenge you and I ain't got much to offer you, cause the beer is spoken for. But what I do got is I got a spot. A spot with the Four Horsemen. Not just a spot, not a liver spot, not a 'Spot' like your dog Spot. No, not just any spot – but myyyyy spot. So I need to know right now: Do you accept it? My spot - not their spot, liver spot, not dog Spot, anybody's spot, MY spot to become a Four Horseman. Not my spot, anybody's spot, dog Spot, liver spot, MY spot. :'''Buff Bagwell''': As much as I wanna say, I'm a double-A fan, as much as I wanna say I like to be a Four Horseman, it's hard to say 'cause I don't like you and I don't like the Four Horsemen. But I tell you what... it would be an honor. ''[shakes hand with Nash and raises four fingers]'' :'''Tony Schiavone''': And it's been a total joke now. :'''Bobby Heenan''': Not funny anymore. :'''Schiavone''': No it's not. :'''Heenan''': Not when you know Arn Anderson like we do. ===September 15=== :''[The show opens with footage of Ric Flair after being stitched up in a hospital as a result of last night's Fall Brawl when Curt Hennig slammed the cage door in his head''] :'''Tony Schiavone''': ''[very shaken up]'' Fans, uh... ''Nitro'', as you can see, is on the air. Before I go into this card, I need to say something that I've really never said before. You know, 13 years ago, I got into this business because of Ric Flair. I was a minor league baseball announcer in this same city. He went to bat for me for the promoters and I became a wrestling announcer and when I look back on what has happened to me, I credit Ric Flair. And you have seen Ric Flair and what hap.......I can't do this show. I'm sorry. ''[takes off his headset and leaves]'' ===September 22=== :'''Mean Gene Okerlund''': That's very impressive, a gentleman the stature of Hugh Morrus, and you absolutely got in there and manhandled him tonight. ''[Bill Goldberg just walks away]'' Sir, I've got to get a little bit more than that. Gentleman's just walking away from me. :'''Larry Zbyszko''': Is he a mute? :'''Mean Gene''': I can't believe that. Tony, I haven't seen anything like that. Very impressive. But who is this guy Goldberg? ===November 10=== :''[The NWO appears in the ring with Canadian flags and having brought back Kevin Nash...]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': ...And now the announcement I know I have been waiting to make, 'cause I have been working on this for a long time, the newest addition of the NWO, and Bret Hart, because you were such a... ''[punches the air] knockout'' kind of a guy! ''[everybody laughs, knowing its a reference to Bret punching Vince McMahon after the Montreal Screwjob]'' :'''Hulk Hogan''': He passed the initiation! :'''Bischoff''': We have a special, special ''[pulls out paper from his jacket]'' gift for you. Liz, can you come around here? ''[passes out paper to NWO members]'' All right let's do it. On three, one, two - this is for you, Bret - three ''[the NWO sings O Canada]'' ===November 17=== :'''Rick Rude''': Oh what a difference a day makes. Twenty-four little hours. You know and we all have our 15 minutes of fame and I'd like to take a couple of my 15 minutes to talk about the rights and the wrongs in the world of professional wrestling. What's wrong in the world of professional wrestling is Shawn Michaels claiming to be World Champion when he never beat Bret Hart. What's wrong with the world of professional wrestling is for Vince McMahon to instruct the [[w:Montreal Screwjob|referee to ring the bell]] in order to rob Bret Hart of his title. But on the other hand, what's right in the world of professional wrestling is for Bret Hart to abandon the Titanic and swim to the refuge of the nWo. What's right with the world of professional wrestling is nWo's course to destruct WCW. What's right with the world of professional wrestling is for the nWo to beat the living shit out of the man called Sting. Now the only thing wrong with that entire situation is that I didn't have the chance to participate. Sting second verse is gonna be same as the first. A little bit rowdier and a whole lot worse, because this time Sting, I will partake. ===December 22=== :''[Hulk is in the middle of another promo when a WCW event staffer delivers him a silver gift box]'' :'''Hulk Hogan''': The NWO is just too sweet. Oh, oh my God! ''[sees Bret Hart arrive in a limousine with women and a male waiter accompanying him]'' You're right. It's only one guy. The newest member of the NWO, Bret Hitman Hart. I knew it had to be him, boss. Thank you Bret. ''[opens box and suddenly pulls up a fake severed head of himself; screams in horror]'' Oh my God! ''[points to Bret thinking he delivered the head]'' :'''Mike Tenay''': Looks like a message has been delivered to Hollywood Hulk Hogan and the NWO, Mr Rude. :'''Rick Rude''': What is this? :'''Bobby Heenan''': What is going on now? :'''Rude''': Is Bret Hart trying to say he wants a piece of the NWO? :'''Tenay''': ''[sees spotlight focused on Sting]'' Look at that, it's Sting! He's arrived on the scene. :'''Heenan''': He's on top of the NWO sign, at the top of the building here in Macon. :'''Rude''': ''[as Sting ziplines to the ring]'' Take him out Hollywood, take him out! :'''Tenay''': ''[Hogan scampers out of the ring]'' Sting is on his way to the ring. We'll see you Sunday at Starrcade! == 1998 == ===May 11=== :''[Eric Bischoff shoots on DX's recent assaults]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': As I look through the crowd tonight, I wonder what you must be thinking and I wonder what Vince McMahon is thinking. You know because for the last couple of weeks he's been sending his little wannabes around demanding to talk to ''moi''. The only problem with that is, he only sends them where he knows I'm not going to be. That's okay because I've got a little solution. Sean Waltman, you want an apology from me? You actually show up at our offices on a Monday afternoon when I think even you Sean are smart enough to figure out I probably wouldn't be there. As far as the apology goes - bite me! I apologize to no one. :But I've got a better idea because, Sean, I know you're just a little puppet and you do what Vince McMahon tells you to do, so Vince McMahon, this is for you. I'm coming to your backyard this Sunday. That's right, in Worcester, Massachussetts we've got a little PPV thing going on and I've got a hell of an idea. You want me? I'm gonna be in your back yard. Consider this an open invitation, Vince McMahon. You show up at Slamboree, it will be me and you McMahon, in the ring. How about it, Vinnie? But I want to warn you people right now, if you think Vince McMahon has got the guts to show up, don't buy this PPV because I guarantee you he is not man enough to step into this ring with me. But I'll be there Vinnie Mac, I'll be waiting for you. And I'm going to knock you out. See you there. ===July 6=== :''[The NWO meet somebody who's just arrived and Hogan earlier hinted as somebody Goldberg must defeat first to face him in the main event - Scott Hall]'' :'''Hulk Hogan''': ''[as they walk to the arena]'' You're toast. :'''Scott Hall''': Can't have a party without me, baby. :'''Hogan''': That's right brother. :'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[to Hall]'' God, we missed you! :'''Hall''': I gotta heat things up. :'''Bischoff''': Oh and you know how! :'''Hall''': I gotta heat things up. :'''Hogan''': I like it. :'''Curt Hennig''': How you feeling? :'''Hall''': Too sweet. :'''Hogan''': Got the party goods, we got the goods for the party, let's go! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tony Schiavone''': The fans stand, showing their signs, and we are walking with Goldberg, and security from Goldberg's own locker room area following with him all the way to the ring, as you look live back in the locker room area. Surrounding Goldberg, some of Atlanta's finest, Doug Dillinger as well with WCW security, and here they come. :'''Bobby "The Brain" Heenan''': What's going through his mind right now? I've never been in that situation, going for a world championship, let alone with that list of victories this man has, in his backyard, hometown in front of everybody he played for, played with. What an evening, what drama right now. :'''Tony''': Long walk for Goldberg, but it's been a long wait since he arrived in the Georgia Dome earlier in the day. So what's another long walk for Goldberg? They're almost down here now. :''[Goldberg now walks alone]'' :'''Bobby''': Well, Hogan may be taking a long walk too. A ''real'' long walk back to the dressing room empty-handed. :'''Tony''': But could the unblemished mark, the incredible series of wins by Goldberg come to a crashing end here tonight? :'''Bobby''': And you know, Tony, if Hogan is to defeat this man, you know what the nWo's gonna be like then with Hogan and Eric Bischoff in charge. :'''Tony''': ''[as Goldberg reaches the entrance]'' And there he is. :'''Mike Tenay''': And here comes the eruption. :'''Bobby''': Bigger than before. :'''Tony''': This is his moment. :''[Goldberg stands on the ramp as the pyrotechnics envelope him for twenty seconds. When they subside, he walks to the ring surrounded by the security from before]'' :'''Bobby''': It's a long way down. :'''Tony''': There you look at Goldberg, and think about what Goldberg represents. A virtual unknown in this sport who walked into WCW, and he represents every wrestler who wanted just to walk in here and become the World Champ. That's what he represents as he makes his way to the ring. :'''Bobby''': He looks ready! Do it for me! Do it for the fans! Get rid of Hogan! And what's Hogan's mentality gonna be at ''Bash at the Beach'' if he's not heavyweight champion of the world along with Rodman? <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': Look at Goldberg! He's ready! :'''Tony''': He's poised... ''[Goldberg spears Hulk Hogan]'' Hogan goes down! :'''Bobby''': Okay, there's part one! Now finish him off! Finish him off! :'''Tony''': ''[Goldberg signals for the Jackhammer]'' He's calling for it! :'''Bobby''': This is it! This is it! ''[Goldberg sets Hogan up for the Jackhammer]'' Your career's on the line here! Do it! Do it! This place'll erupt when he picks him up. :'''Tony''': ''[Goldberg lifts Hogan in a suplex]'' He's got him up! ''[...and slams Hogan to the mat]'' Oh Hell Yeah! :'''Tony and Bobby''': ''[counting with the referee]'' One... :'''Tony''': ''[continues]'' ...two...THREE!!! :'''Bobby''': OH, THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! We got a new heavyweight champion of the world! The first undefeated man in the history of this sport to ever win the World Championship, and have a record of 107, 108...who cares?! There's zero on the other side! We've got a new champion! Listen to this! ''[pauses to acknowledge the cheering crowd and "Goldberg" chants]'' Wow. :'''Mike''': Thirty-one-year-old Bill Goldberg, less than ten months in the sport, is on top of the wrestling world. :'''Tony''': ''[off a shirt]'' "Who's next?" :'''Bobby''': Who cares? :'''Tony''': "Who cares" is right. The hero has come through, lades and gentlemen, you have witnessed professional wrestling history on many levels. A man who is undeniably the toughest we have seen in decades, a man who undeniably will lead pro wrestling into the next millennium, stands in the Georgia Dome in front of more than 39,000 fans. :'''Bobby''': Tony, there's a new sheriff in town. :'''Tony''': When we go to ''Bash at the Beach'', Goldberg will be the world champ. Its only six days away. :'''Bobby''': We still got ''Thunder'', Wednesday. :'''Tony''': With the new world champion. Well, there's nothing more that this announce crew can add to what you've been a witness here tonight. It's been a night for the ages, it's been a night that we will never forget because on Monday, July 6th, 1998, Goldberg captured the gold. Goldberg, went to 108 and 0, and in less than one year, Goldberg, the phenomenon that is Bill Goldberg, at age 31, is the heavyweight champion of the world, and they're not going anywhere... :'''Bobby''': No. :'''Tony''': They're still standing, chanting his name, paying homage to their hero. :'''Mike''': Let the celebration begin! :'''Tony''': For Iron Mike Tenay and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan... :'''Bobby''': Thank you!! :'''Tony''': ...and Larry Zsbysko, and Mean Gene, and everybody in pro wrestling... Goodnight, America!! :'''Mike''': Goldberg's the champ! Let's go! ===August 17=== :''[Hollywood Hogan is in the middle of a promo calling out DDP for "somebody from his past." Jim Hellwig, aka Warrior comes in and enters the ring]'' :'''Warrior''': Talk to me, Warriors!!! ''[at top rope]'' Feel the real power, Hogan!! :'''Hollywood Hogan''': ''[shaken by his appearance]'' I thought you were dead! :'''Warrior''': Who holds the absolute power now, Hollywood Hogan? Unleash that raising voice, Warriors! ''['Warrior!" chants]'' Seems as if no formal introduction is gonna be necessary! Actually, it even seems as if there are those who anticipated my arrival! ''[disgusted at Hogan offering his NWO shirt as if inviting him to join]'' What is that smell? You might want to use it to clean up the mess you just made all over yourself! You need to open your eyes and ears, take control of the limited ability you have to understand the words I am about to say. For years, I have watched while this industry, with you as it's figurehead, has tried to create what is simply un-re-cre-at-able. I have heard, listened to all the innuendos and speculation that something ULTIMATE or WARRIOR may soon reappear. Welcome to the reappearance!</br> Those things, Hogan, which are irreplaceable, whether they be people, places, or things, are never forgotten. You are witnessing that - RIGHT NOW! History tells us, Hogan... ''[“Hogan sucks”-Chants]'' Let's talk about something he doesn't know! History tells us, Hogan, that a man's legacy is build from the premise that within his life the moments lived, once lived, become a piece of his history. Somehow, you have conveniently, even eloquently, misplaced pieces of your history.</br> In the [[WrestleMania#WrestleMania_VI_(1990)|one time, epochal battle between us]], Hogan, you were the quintessential influence of what was good, great, and heroic. But different than you may remember, and albeit you may have beaten myths, legends, giants, and other great men, you never - never - beat a warrior. AND, certainly, not THE ULTIMATE ONE! As a victor of that one-time battle, I defeated what was, until then, undefeatable. I conquered what was then unconquerable. I dominated what was, until then, indomitable. On that day, you were great. I was ULTIMATE!</br> Let me introduce myself, to those two fools that stand behind you. Let's see, this - dude ''[points to the Disciple]'' - must be your barber. And ''[to Eric Bischoff]'' who are you, little man? Who are you? :'''Eric Bischoff''': You know who I am. My name is Eric Bischoff, I run this company and who invited you? :'''Warrior''': ''[laughs]'' Different than you want to make people believe, I never received an invitation, I showed up on my own accord, and let me tell you, Mr. Eric Bischoff, if you stick your nose in my business, you only, very quickly, prepare for your own demise. Furthermore, when I get done with my business here, I'm going to be sending you a bill. I suggest you pay it. I have waited patiently. The WARRIORS have waited all too patiently.</br> Now - NOW - the virtue of justice unties my hands so that I can continue to fulfill a destiny set in motion upon that memorable day years ago - a destiny at the next level - a destiny beckoning the next Super Hero. There really is no sadder sight than when a grown man fears the challenges in his life so much that he rationalises adolescent behaviour to the point where he carries out heinous and self-indulgent actions - YOUR evilness, the evilness you embody and portray, is intolerable.</br> I am the one that has the power to destroy you. It's source, Hogan, the truth, is inexhaustible. I come here, not to beat you up tonight, Hogan - beating you means nothing anymore. Everybody already has. No no no no no no no, that's too easy. Because you felt guilty for being who you were. Your mind became weak and Hulkamania became boring. I come here, Hogan, to tell you next week I intend to launch a revolution not even YOU can control. I ask you to find the courage - check it out - next week, same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel.</br> ===September 14=== :'''Arn Anderson''': Can you smell it, JJ? Take a breath. Can you smell it? When 15,000 people blow the roof off a place, that's what a pop smells like. Take a bow. What you said to me is what all those people have been saying to me for a year and a half, and only a true friend would say that. They said "Arn Anderson, stand up and be a man, like you've always been!" And I couldn't hear those words, 'cause something was in the way and I'm gonna start at the beginning, because you have to start at the beginning because tonight IS a new beginning for the Four Horsemen. :Now when I was a kid, like all kids, people asked you "what do you wanna be when you grow up?" There was no grey area for me, I always knew I wanted to be a wrestler. And when that finally happened for me, it was the proudest day of my life. And in 1986, I started coming to these towns, just like Greenville, South Carolina, as a Horseman. And my life changed forever, and the doors it opened for me, I had never dreamed of. And wrestling the greatest wrestlers in the world in a town like this and all across this country showed me who I was. And every day that I woke up since then I tried to uphold the standards that we, you and I and the rest of us set for ourselves. :And about a year and a half ago, I laid down on an operating table and when I woke up, Arn Anderson the wrestler was dead, and I thought to myself how could I be a Horseman if I couldn't be a wrestler. Well, the fact is I couldn't in my mind... :'''Crowd''': We Want Flair! :'''Arn''': Trust me, everybody's gonna get what they want tonight, Bischoff. Eric Bischoff. :So when I thought I could no longer be a Horsemen, Chris Benoit came to me first and he said "this can all happen." And with that prelude, I would like to bring the other three Horsemen out right now. Steve "Mongo" McMichael, come on down. ''[Steve McMichael enters the ring, as do the other Horsemen when called]'' Chris Benoit, come on down. Dean Malenko, come on down. :Now, before we go any further. Chris Benoit, you got this thing rolling, and I'm gonna go on record as saying, if there's a finer wrestler in all the land than you, I don't know who it is. Your intensity, the first time I saw you wrestle, made you something special. You are something special in my eyes, you knew what it meant to be a Horsemen. You will carry that tradition way past the year 2000. :Mongo McMichael, you're hard-headed, lotta times you're hard to be around, but the fact is in my eyes, you're all man. You're certainly All-Pro, and when this is all said and done, if I've got anything to say about it, you will mean to this sport what you've meant to the sport of pro football. :Now Dean Malenko. I've been out here ya/king for the last ten years about what it meant to be a Horseman: work ethic, respect for the business, respect for each other, respect for the people that came before us. And while I was yakking the last year, and the last couple of months, you were out there fighting the fights for the Horsemen. You exemplify what a Horseman has always meant: overachievement. Being the very best you could be, each and every day of your life, whether you were sick, or hurt, or whatever the case may be, and it makes me proud, now I'm gonna say one more time. I've said that you didn't get it; well, ''I'' didn't get it, because if there was ever a Horseman it makes me a little misty-eyed and real proud to call on this day the finest thing you can be in this sport of professional wrestling, that's a Horseman. :Ladies and gentlemen, through the year 2000, we're gonna do exactly what all of you across this nation have asked: "Arn Anderson, bring back the Horsemen!" But I feel it fair to tell ya, I'm not gonna be responsible for what happens next. 'Cause we don't wear white hats, we're not nice guys, and I can tell you this: heads are gonna roll! So, I've said it: Be careful what you wish for, because now you have it! :Ah, what a goof! What a goof! You know, I get accused of gettin' racked in the head a few times and having a little touch of Alzheimer's. My God! I almost forgot the fourth Horseman! Ric Flair, get on down here! <hr width=50%> :'''Ric Flair''': Thank you, thank you very much. I'm almost embarrassed by the response, but when I see this, I know that the twenty - five years that I've spent trying to make you happy every night of your life was worth every damn minute of it. Now, somebody told me that the Horsemen were having a party tonight in Greenville! Could that be true that the most elite group that Eric Bischoff said was dead, is alive and well? Bischoff, this might be my only shot, and I gotta tell ya, I'm gonna make it my best. Is this what you call a great moment in TV? It's wrong, because this is REAL! This is not bought and paid for! It's a REAL - LIFE - SITUATION! Just like the night in Columbia, South Carolina, when you looked at me - tears in my eyes - and said 'God, that's good TV' - it was real! Arn Anderson passed the torch - it was real, dammit! You think Sting was crying in the dressing room like I was on TV if it wasn't real? This guy, my best friend, is one of the greatest performers who ever lived, and YOU - you squashed him, in one night. Then you get on the phone and tell me, "Disband the Horsemen. They're dead. Disband the Four Horsemen." You know what? I looked at myself in the mirror the next day and I saw a pathetic figure that gave up and quit! And for that, I owe you, the wrestling fans, I owe these guys an apology. Because it won't happen again! ''[Bischoff appears at the entrance way]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': You're history! This is my TV!! :'''Flair''': Bischoff, whatever you think... You're an overbearing asshole! That's right! You're an obnoxious, you're an obnoxious, overbearing ass! Abuse of power! You! Abuse of power! Cut me off! Come on! It's called abuse of power! :'''Bischoff''': You'll never ever wrestle on my television again! :'''Flair''': You suck! You... I hate your guts. I hate your guts. :'''Bischoff''': ''[as he walks away]'' This is my house! You're history! :'''Flair''': You are a liar, you're a cheat, you're a scam, you are a no-good son of a bitch. :'''Bischoff''': You're history! :'''Flair''': Fire me! I'm already fired! Fire me! I'm already fired! ===December 14=== :''[Ric Flair and the Four Horsemen just fought off the NWO, and he's still livid over Eric Bischoff kissing his wife the week before]'' :'''Ric Flair''': BISCHOFF!!! For 25 years, for whatever I have been, good and bad, I've been a man, you son of a bitch! And good or bad, I can walk in the door of my house and know that those kids, and that wife forgave me for everything I ever did wrong because they depended on me to live day in and day out! You, you start out, you come in here, you promise me the world and then you take my career, you try to shitcan that, that didn't work, because ''[to the fans]'' they, right here, 40,000 strong, wouldn't let you do it! :'''Bobby Heenan''': It's the most intense I've ever seen him. :'''Flair''': Then, you put your lawyers on me and you know what, you damn near broke me, but I would like to the wire, I fought you every step of the way. I gave in, I came back, not 'coz of you, but because my little boy, ten years old, walked up to me and said, "Dad, why don't you just beat the hell out of Bischoff and get back in the world?" He didn't understand politics, he didn't understand lawyers, but he understands that every day of his life, his dad said two things to him: Never quit. Promise me for as long as I am alive, you will never quit - and last Thursday night, you stepped over the line AND I ALMOST QUIT! I almost couldn't live it, you put your hands on my children, you kissed my wife, you no-good rotten bastard! What do you think my kids felt when they went to school, embarrassed? No. Shocked? No. You stepped over the line. You took something... :''[Eric Bischoff appears at the entranceway]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[mock sadness]'' Oh, Ric, I feel so bad.. ''[sees Flair running up to him; to security]'' STOP HIM STOP HIM!!! ''[security restrains Flair]'' Come on, come on! Come and get me, come and get me be careful with him, he's got a bad heart! He's got a bad heart! ''[as the officers cuff him]'' Arrest him! Arrest him, so I can fire him!! == 1999 == === January 4=== :'''Tony Schiavone''': If you're even thinking about changing the channel to our competition, fans, do not. Because we understand that Mick Foley, who wrestled here one time as Cactus Jack, is going to win their World Title. ''[sarcastically]'' That's gonna put some butts in the seats. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tony''': Fans, I want to reiterate something I talked about before the commercial break. If you're thinking about changing channels to our competition, we want to let you know that unlike us, they've got their show in the can, their show's been taped. Later tonight, Mick Foley, who once wrestled here as Cactus Jack, is gonna win their World Title. I mean, that's gonna be their World Champion. Ha ha! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tony''': Fans, as you know, it's getting close to the 11:00 hour. We're gonna stay right here, we're gonna follow all the action as long as it takes, so stay with us. These are not taped matches. This is happening live, this is ''Nitro''. ''[Bell rings]'' The bell sounds, Billy Silverman making the call. No matter what happens, we're staying with you here tonight. :'''Bobby "The Brain" Heenan''': Even if it goes on ''all'' night, we're gonna be here. :'''Tony''': That's what we're all about. :'''Bobby''': We're live! :... :'''Tony''': Listen to the fans! Look at Hogan's reaction! :'''Bobby''': Over 40,000+! This is better than a playoff game! :'''Tony''': Hell, this is what pro wrestling, what World Championship Wrestling is all about! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tony''': ''[on Hogan]'' He's been in so many big matches. :'''Bobby''': Boy, he has. :''[Hogan fakes a punch, [[w:Fingerpoke of Doom|then lightly pokes Kevin Nash, who drops to the mat.]] Hogan covers him.]'' :'''Tony''': ''[as Silverman counts]'' What was that about? What's going on here? ''[Silverman counts to three. Hogan, Nash, Hall, and Scott Steiner celebrate in the ring]'' What just happened here? :'''Bobby''': This stinks. :'''Michael Buffer''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner and new Heavyweight Champion of the world, from nWo Hollywood, Hulk Hogan! :'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[having been silent all night]'' It is unbelievable! The new World Heavyweight Champion, Hollywood Hulk Hogan! ===October 11=== :'''Tony Schiavone''': Before we start with tonight's action, Brain, there's something we both, but particularly you, have to say about our longtime friend Gorilla Monsoon. :'''Bobby "The Brain" Heenan''': Gorilla will be sadly missed. He was one big, tough man, he was a decent honest man, and we're all going to miss him very much. And you know the pearly gates in heaven? :'''Tony''': Yeah. :'''Bobby''': It's now gonna be called the Gorilla position. Goodbye, my friend. ==2000== ===February 7=== :''[Scott Steiner, his women, and the NWO are in the ring]'' :'''Scott Steiner''': Now last week, I was watching TV and I watched a 53-year-old man come down here who wears more loose skin than a Shar-Pei puppy come out here saying he's still "The Man." I see Ric Flair No.2, the Nature Boy come out here, who's been the butt-end of all the jokes, 'cause he's supposed to be the limousine-riding, jet-flying son of a gun, but I'm saying one time, you shoulda take a cab, and used to that money to fix that scrooked yellow teeth! So I asked myself, "if WCW was going to hire the Nature Boy No.2, why wouldn't they hire the Nature Boy, the ''original'' Nature Boy, Buddy Rogers?" Now I know that Buddy Rogers is dead - God rest his soul - but Ric Flair, your career is dead! And I know as he lays six feet under, he's still styling and profiling, 'cause when you used your little brain and stole his name, there's one thing you couldn't steal, and that was his class. So when you walked down that aisle last week, I know I wasn't alone, 'cause the people at home, all they did was grab their remote, change the channel to WWF and watch Stone Cold, a person you and your old friends got fired from here 'cause you're a jealous, old bastard. So Ric Flair, remember this, in this wrestling business, there's never been a bigger ass-kissing, butt-sucking bastard in this business, but also in life, you're the biggest ass-kiss, back-stabbing, butt-sucking bastard and you belong where you're at, in WCW, because WCW sucks... and so do you! Me? I'm just gonna stand here in the NWO for life! ===April 10=== :''[Jeff Jarrett reveals Vince Russo as the Powers That Be]'' :'''Vince Russo''': You know, after giving six years of my life to the World Wrestling Federation I came to WCW with one thing in mind - and that was to beat Vince McMahon at his own game! And you know what? Within a matter of weeks, the new blood in WCW was not only getting back in the game, they were changing the game! And that's when the good ol' boy network kicked in - afraid of change, and more importantly afraid of their jobs - the political BS took place in the back to bring Vince Russo down. And you stayin' at home know who you are 'cause you're watching me now. And then one day I'm told that there's gonna be a change in direction - a change that I knew SUCKED! And you know what? I wasn't the only one who knew - Benoit knew - Guerrero knew - Saturn knew - Malenko knew - Douglas knew - and they left! They're gone! Scott Steiner - he knew it, and they suspended his ass! Well you know what? That's all over now. It's done. And Vince Russo is back in charge again. And I wanna turn around now and I wanna say something to everybody in this ring. It is OVER. The old boys management is over. The inflated egos in the back, afraid to lose their spot - it is over. It is the dawning of a new day - it is your opportunity - seize that opportunity! :''[Eric Bischoff appears]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': Are you done yet? Let me tell you something. This man - Vince Russo and I - have more in common than anybody knows. But the big thing is the fact that we were both screwed by the same... good ol' boys network. Vince is right - those days are over. But it's okay! I don't even mind. And you know why I don't mind? Because it's giving me a hell of an opportunity to think about all the great things I did in WCW, but it's also given me an opportunity to realize the mistakes I've made... mistakes like Scott Hall, Kevin Nash, Sting, Diamond Dallas Page, and oh yeah, oh yeah... let's not forget Sid "Wished he was" Vicious. But you know what the biggest mistake I've ever made? I mean this is the real big one. Hulk Hogan. I'm sorry - I really am sorry. :Everybody told me he would screw me - he would use me - they said, do not look into that red and yellow light because you will be blinded. Well, I was blinded, but tonight I've got 20/20 vision - I'm seeing real clearly for the first time in a long time, and right now I want to apologize to everybody in this ring - The New Blood - and I want you guys to know that if there's anything I can do for Vince Russo that will help you, I am there for him - I am there for you, because it is a whole new WCW. And where are they? Where are they, where is Diamond Dallas Page? Where is Sting? Where are they? :'''Russo''': I think they're hiding in the back with the old tail between their legs. ===July 15=== :''[Tony Schiavone and Mark Madden talk about the Billy Kidman/Torrie Wilson sex tape on Nitro and the subsequent segment between Torrie and Shane Douglas on Thunder.]'' :'''Tony Schiavone''': ... that fueled the fire for this "Viagra on a Pole" Match. :'''Mark Madden''': I'll tell you... I'll tell you what, you can't come out of here limping in a match like this. You gotta get it up right away and keep it up. ===August 14=== :'''Vince Russo''': ''[Standing in the ring with Tank Abbott at the start of the show]'' You know, it seems like deja vu all over again. I stood in this very ring [[w:Bash at the Beach|one month ago]], and I made history. I made an example out of somebody... and you all know who [[w:Hulk Hogan|that]] is, because that piece of shit hasn't been around since! Well tonight, I'm gonna make an example on live TV out of another piece of shit, Goldberg! You don't screw with me and the fact is I came out here tonight to fire Bill Goldberg's ass on national TV! Yeah, cheer for him you asshole Canadians! Well you know what? Brad Siegel wouldn't let me fire Goldberg because the fans love Goldberg! Well I say screw the fans and I say screw Bill Goldberg! And Goldberg, since I could not fire your ass, well I'm going to have your ass kicked right here tonight and he's right here Bill. Remember what happened at the Phillips arena Bill? Well we all know that was bullshit! So I say Bill, you bring it out here and lets call it in the ring. Do it Tank! You know, let me explain something to you assholes! You see, Bill Goldberg, Bill Goldberg believes in his own little mind that if this world were real, then he could take everybody! He could kick everybody's ass! He could kick your ass Tank! You know Bill, you think you're Superman, you think you're invincible, you think I can't beat you huh? Well I'll tell you what, I've got the kryptonite to stick up your ass tonight pal! What do I got to do? Do I got to beg you to come out here chickenshit?! What's the matter Bill? You don't want to come out here? You don't know the script? You don't know the storyline? Tank will call your ass! ===September 11=== :''[Big Poppa Pump is interviewed by Mean Gene]'' :'''Scott Steiner''': That's right Mean Gene, I don't lay down for nobody and whether I leave here the world champion tonight, it don't matter because it's not going to change my focus on getting even with Goldberg for fracturing my face at Fall Brawl. Goldberg! I'm getting even for you fracturing my face and I'm gonna prove to you that I'm the man with the largest arms in the world! I'm the genetic freak and size does matter! And that statement, Mean Gene, comes true whether I'm in the ring or out of the ring. See where all my freaks are horizontal, they understand size, they appreciate size and size does matter and they know that they don't have to wait for the Earth to rotate on a 47-degree axis so the stars can touch the sky and create an equinox so they see the Big Dipper. No no no, all they gotta do is call the Big Poppa, cause I'm the man with the big dipper and satisfaction's coming when I go behind and do the bump n' grind and it's only a matter of time before they call me the big bad booty daddy! So Goldberg, realize this. I only care about two things in this world: my freaks and my peaks and I'll beat your ass down at Fall Brawl and I'm about to put you in the Steiner Recliner and I'm gonna whisper in your ear, 'Size does matter, bitch!' ==2001== ===March 19=== :''[Booker T calls out Big Poppa Pump and Ric Flair]'' :'''Booker T''': Yo Steiner, Flair. I told you I was gonna talk to the man and that man is Eric Bischoff, so shut up and listen. :'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[by phone patch]'' Thank you Booker. For those of you in the arena and all of you watching around the country this evening, I would very much would have chosen to be there tonight in person as I could be but given everything that's going on tonight, that's just not possible. Many of you may know that for the past six months I've been working with a group of people whose goal was - and is - to acquire World Championship Wrestling and to grow it once again to becoming a competitive, dominant wrestling organization worldwide. :But recently, we've hit a couple of roadblocks that may be in fact brick walls, and while it is still in my power, I want to do something befitting what could be very well the last night of wrestling on the Turner networks. Given the fact that that wrestling has been such an important part of Turner's history for the past 29 years, I've been thinking over the weekend on what I could do to provide an exciting program that this historic event should be. To that end, I want to make an announcement now that next Monday night in Panama City is indeed going to be a "Night of Champions." By that, I mean every championship will be up for grabs, starting with the World Cruiserweight Championship, the Cruiserweight Tag Team Championships, the World Tag Team championship, the US title, and the World Heavyweight will also be up for grabs next Monday night at Panama City. And Scott Steiner, Booker T, I want you to, to be aware now that your match is going to be a "Title Vs Title" match. The contracts are prepared, a WCW representative is standing by to make sure that the contracts are executed. Read them carefully, sign them, be prepared to defend your titles next Monday night. And also given the historic nature of this occasion and my relationship with this company for nearly ten years, I wanna personally extend an open invitation to any former - and I mean ''any former'' - World Heavyweight champion in WCW to join us in Panama City, and don't be afraid to bring your boots with you. :Lastly, Ric Flair, you and I have had a very rocky relationship over the past ten years and while I have a tremendous amount of respect for you and what you've done in wrestling history and what you've done for WCW for so long now, I want to make sure that in your case, a promise made is a promise kept - and Ric Flair, it is in your best interest this evening - to kiss Dusty Rhodes' ass. ''[Flair is flustered]'' That being said, I'll see you all in Panama City next Monday night, The Night of Champions, thank you. ===March 26=== :''[After the WCW opening logo, Vince McMahon appears]'' :'''Vince McMahon''': Imagine that. Me, Vince McMahon. Imagine that, here I am, on WCW television. How can that happen? Well, there's only one way. You see that it was just a matter of time before I, Vince McMahon, bought my competition. That's right, I own WCW, so therefore in its final broadcast tonight on TNT, I have the opportunity to address ''[hands gesturing to camera]'' you the WCW fans. I have an opportunity to address, you the WCW superstars. What is the fate of WCW? Well tonight, in this special simulcast, you will all find out, because the fate - ''[cups hands]'' the very fate of WCW is in ''my hands''. <hr width=50%/> :''[Ric Flair comes down to the ring]'' :'''Ric Flair''': Did I - Did I - WOOOOO! Did I happen to hear Vince McMahon say he was goin' to hold WCW in the palms of his hands? Is that what he said? Does that mean that YOU are gonna hold Jack Brisco, Dory Funk, Harley Race, the Road Warriors, Sting, Luger, the Steiners, Bagwell, Ric Flair, Steamboat, does that mean you're gonna hold us all in the palm of your hands? To coin a phrase, I don't think so! You know, at twelve o'clock today, someone very special to me said, "Do not go onto that show tonight knowin' it's the last time that you'll ever be on TNT or TBS" - knowing it's the last time, she said to me, "Don't go out there and cry - don't go out there and say you're sorry" because I'm not - I've been fourteen times the World Champion - in my eyes, one of the greatest, you got it! The greatest wrestling organization in the world - WCW! :We... I'm talkin' about the Stings, the Lugers, the Steiners, the Road Warriors - I'm talkin' about my best friend, Arn Anderson and the Four Horsemen - we have been on a par, and we have been equal to any wrestling organization in the world - as a matter of fact, we have run neck and neck with you, Vince McMahon, for years - for YEARS - and just for trivia, Vince McMahon, do you know that in 1981, when you were trying to become an announcer, your dad was on the board of directors and voted for ME to be the world champion - WOOOO! How 'bout that? And ever since that day, I have been a limousine-ridin', jet-flyin', kiss-stealin', wheelin-dealin', son of a gun, that along with the whole WCW dammit all, have kissed the girls worldwide, and made 'em cry! 'Cause ya see, we were every bit the force, we were WCW - we lived, we breathed, we sweat, we paid the price to be the best - never been about the boys - it's always been WWF vs. the WCW in the office - the boys that have gone out there, night in and night out, doing everything they could to be the very best at what they chose to do in their life - those boys are here tonight - we are! :We're not going anywhere, you can't hold us in your hands and predict our life! We're WCW! We've bled and we've sweat - when was the last time you wrestled for an hour, cut yourself five times, bled for 45 minutes... when were you there? You weren't! You weren't! You were never in the dressing room, on the road 40 days and 40 nights, bleedin', sweatin', goin' to the next town, you weren't there, you can't hold people's lives in your hands. We're the greatest wrestling company of all time - I wanna say it again - you can't control us or our future, and in closing, let me say this - in all my years in this sport, my greatest opponent with this company has been Sting - so tonight, if we're going out, if we're going out on a high note, Stinger, the Nature Boy wants you right here, because - that's right - that's right - ya hear it, Sting? Sting, my greatest opponent - Sting, it's your last chance - your last chance to be... ''[crowd chants Sting]'' Sting, Sting, Sting, Sting, Sting, Sting - Sting! To be - the man, you've gotta beat the man, and Sting... I'M. THE. MAN. WOOOOOO! <hr width=50%/> :''[after a segment where Vince McMahon admonishes Michael Cole over his questions about WCW wrestlers' job security and his own job security, then toasting with Trish Stratus]'' :'''Tony Schiavone''': How do we all feel? :'''Scott Hudson''': How do we all feel about our own job security? :'''Schiavone''': Where does WCW go from here? What's in the cards? What's going to, what's going to happen, tonight on this telecast? :'''Hudson''': What is gonna happen? :'''Schiavone''': Is this it? I mean this is... Fans, we're reacting and we could only react to what you see as well, we don't know. :'''Hudson''': Mr McMahon has said there's gonna be a simulcast tonight. What's he gonna say? When's he gonna say it? :'''Schiavone''': ''[as the WCW World Tag Team Championship match begins]'' The wrestlers, the fans are concerned. The people who worked for WCW are concerned, who have sweat, bled for this company for years, we are all very concerned about the future of WCW, about the future of, well, right there our brand of wrestling. <hr width=50%/> :''[In a prerecorded video, DDP reflects on his WCW journey]'' :'''Diamond Dallas Page''': In the words of the Grateful Dead, what a long strange trip it's been, but I gotta tell you, I've loved every second of it, wouldn't trade it for nothing. And tonight, on this historic eve, I thought I needed to thank all the wrestling fans from around the world, for letting a kid from the Jersey Shore, Page Joseph Falkenberg, become Diamond Dallas Page. The guy they said would never make it but did. And that proves only one thing, if you want it bad enough and you're willing to work for it, anything's possible. It's not the promoters who decide who's over, it's the fans, so not just to thanks the fans in general, I want to specially thank, the WCW wrestling fans and my wife, Kimberly, for believing in me, and helping me live my dream. Is that dream over? I don't think so, I think now it's time to take it to another level. ''[to camera]'' Thank you. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the WCW Cruiserweight Tag Team Championship match begins, Tony Schiavone goes a bit off-script upon learning of William Regal talking to Vince McMahon over his purchase of WCW]'' :'''Tony Schiavone''': I don't want to sit here, and as a person who's been on Monday Nitro for many years, it hits you to hear anything that he once said... Mr McMahon, it's his money, he can do whatever he wants, I don't know what he's gonna do tonight, but let me say this: to sit here and listen to their Commissioner, rip WCW? :'''Scott Hudson''': Yes. :'''Schiavone''': Come on. I mean, we've had to do some crazy things, Steve Regal, including putting your ass over on TV! <hr width=50%/> :''[calling the match between Sting and Ric Flair]'' :'''Tony Schiavone''': ''[sees Sting Superplex Flair]'' Yes, he got it down. What's Sting gonna do now? ''[Scorpion Deathlock]'' Scorpion Deathlock!! He's got it on! :'''Scott Hudson''': Center of the ring! :'''Schiavone''': ''[Flair quits]'' It's over! It's over!! It's Sting! Sting wins! Sting defeats Ric Flair here on the final telecast of ''WCW Monday Nitro'' on TNT. And look at that, my god that he's gonna help him up. And the embrace, it's what we're all about. :'''Hudson''': Sting knows that Ric Flair made him at that Clash of the Champions. That's ultimate respect. :'''Schiavone''': It really is. :'''Hudson''': For two men, I have to say, that have huge fans of, they may be continue to be fans of professional wrestling. Thank you Steve Borden, thank you Ric Flair, for everything you've meant to this sport. :'''Schiavone''': It's an emotional rollercoaster for all of us fans. The uncertainty of our jobs, our future of what we love, what we breathe, and what we live. We don't just work for WCW, we lived WCW, and I know Flair is thinking that the fans would agree. == External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:TNT shows]] [[Category:American sports TV shows]] r3jwn3ezcqlq1233o4s24k65ucqxtt3 3158111 3158110 2022-08-26T11:05:51Z Eaglestorm 16205 wikitext text/x-wiki [[w:WCW Monday Nitro|WCW Monday Nitro]] was a professional wrestling program that aired on TNT Monday nights from September 4th, 1995 to March 26 2001. == 1995 == === September 4 === :''[Recent ex-WWF talent Lex Luger shows up at the beginning of the Sting/Ric Flair matchup.]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[notices Lex]'' Oooh, what in the hell is he doing here?! Get the camera off of him! :'''Steve "Mongo" McMichael''': What is this? :'''Bobby "The Brain" Heenan''': Wait a minute. He's got a right to be here, this is a [[w:Mall of America|public mall]]. :'''Eric''': Get him out of here! :'''Steve''': Somebody call the security guards! :'''Eric''': ''[as the crowd starts chanting "Luger! Luger!"]'' What?! Get the security and get him out of here! :'''Bobby''': What's he doing wrong? What is he doing wrong? :'''Steve''': This is just unabashed arrogance. :'''Eric''': We have a major problem here. :'''Bobby''': We have a situation starting here. A big one. :'''Eric''': I want to know what he's doing here. :'''Bobby''': Well don't ask me! Get on the headsets to the truck, ask somebody. === December 18 === :''[Madusa makes her way to the announce booth at the start of the show.]'' :'''Madusa''': All right. Can it everyone! ''[to Mongo]'' You too bad dog! I am Madusa, always have been Madusa and always will be Madusa. This is the WWF Women's Championship belt. :'''Eric''': Whoa... Whoa! Wait a minute. ''[sees Madusa pick up a trash can and dump the belt in it]'' What? Look...that indeed it is! :'''Steve''': ''[as Madusa does the act]'' Not in the trash can! :'''Madusa''': And that's what I think of the WWF Women's Championship belt. This is the WCW, I am now in the WCW and they used to call me Alundra Blayze. But not anymore because this is where the big boys play and now this is where the big girls play! ''[dumps mic in the trash can as well]'' :'''Eric''': Holy smokes! Madusa, the WWF Women's Championship and the belt right here on Nitro. The belt in the trash can and I tell you what, I'm in shock! Wow! :'''Steve''': Oh she got covered, she just got sucked up on that one in Connecticut, didn't she? :'''Eric''': I'll tell you what... :'''Bobby''': What a doll. == 1996 == === May 27 === :'''Tony Schiavone''': Welcome back live to the first hour of this edition of ''WCW Monday Nitro'' on TNT! Tony Schiavone and Larry Zbyszko. And we are taking a look at the Mauler completely maul his opponent Steve Doll. :'''Larry Zbyszko''': Well you know, Steve Doll's trying to get an offensive going. :'''Tony''': ''[notices the crowd suddenly standing up for a [[w:Scott Hall|large man]] who just came in through the audience]'' Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here? :'''Larry''': But the Mauler, well he just got reversed right there. The Mauler runs him down. :'''Tony''': That's not what I'm talking about. :'''Larry''': What are you talking about?! :''[The man, Scott Hall, leaps over the railing]'' :'''Tony''': Look here. :'''Larry''': Well, what the hell? :'''Scott Hall''': Get me a mic! :'''Larry''': What's with this? :'''Tony''': We need security out here. I have no idea, wait a minute! I can't believe what we're seeing. :'''Hall''': ''[climbing into the ring]'' Hey, you people, you know who I am, but you don't know why I'm here. Where is Billionaire Ted? Where is the Nacho Man? That punk can't even get in the building. Me, I go wherever I want, whenever I want. And where, oh where is Scheme Gene? 'Cause I've got a scoop for you. When that Ken-doll lookalike, when that weatherman wannabe comes out here later tonight, I got a challenge for him, for Billionaire Ted, for the Nacho Man and for anybody else in uh...WCW, huh-huh-huh. Hey, you want to go to war? You want a war? You're gonna get one! ''[leaves]'' :'''Tony''': Fans, what about the match? I don't know what to say. Randy Anderson's coming-- Randy. Randy, what's going on here? What about the match, Randy? What's going on? The match. Fans, we've gotta go to a break. :'''Larry''': The match left! :'''Tony''': I have no idea what to say. Stay with us. Geez. <hr width=50%> :'''Scott Hall''': Hey, lookie here. :'''Eric Bischoff''': You wanted to say some- :'''Hall''': ''[as Eric talks]'' Ken doll, you got such a big mouth and we, we are sick of it. :'''Eric''': What do you mean? Who's we? :'''Hall''': You know who. This is where the "big boys play"? What a joke! I tell you what, you go tell Billionaire Ted, you tell him, "Get three of his very very best." Maybe the Nacho Man! "Oooooooh....No." Hey, maybe he can get the Stinger! Ooooh, I'm so scared. You go get anybody you want because we... :'''Eric''': Who do you mean "We"? :'''Hall''': We are taking over. You wanna go to war? You wanna war? You got one. Only, only let's do it right. In the ring where it matters. Not in no microphones. Not in no newspapers or dirtsheets. Let's do it in the ring where it matters. If uh, if Billionaire Ted and his big boys, if they got any, uh guts... :'''Eric''': You're stepping over the line. :'''Hall''': Because we are coming down here and like it or not, :'''Eric''': Not. :'''Hall''': We are taking over. ''[throws his toothpick at Eric.]'' :'''Eric''': ''[calmly]'' You're outta here. :'''Hall''': If you say so! :'''Eric''': You're outta here. ''[visibly shaken, looks at Heenan, then recomposes]'' I don't know what to say. We'll see you next week. ===June 3=== :''[Scott Hall appears again at the announce booth]'' :'''Scott Hall''': Just relax ''chico''. Yo, Ken Doll, I had such a good time last week that I came back for more. :'''Eric''': Look there's no reason... :'''Scott Hall''': Look, look, look, relax man, relax. You started it. You want to go to war? You got a war. You started it, we gonna finish it. :'''Eric''': What do you mean "We"? You come up with this We stuff. :'''Scott Hall''': You know who man. You know who. Did Daddy Warbucks? Did he get his money yet? :'''Eric''': ''[sees [[w:Steve Borden|Sting]] come out]'' Wait a minute, Stinger. Not here, not now. Don't even dignify it man. :'''Sting''': You came out here last week and said some real horrible things about WCW. Some real horrible things about the Hulkster, about the Macho Man, about the Stinger. Somewhere along the way, you got lost because do you have any idea where you are? You're in the jungle baby! This is WCW! That's right! Hold on! And every week you come out here and you say you want three of the best. :'''Scott Hall''': That's right man, three of the best. :'''Sting''': You want three of the best, I don't see two of you. All I see is you and me. So why don't we just do this one on one right here, right now! :'''Scott Hall''': Yo, yo, you wanna fight man? You wanna fight? You got one. Only, no one tells me what to do and ''chico'', nobody tells me when to do it. ''[throws his toothpick at Sting. Sting responds by slapping Hall]'' Ok, ok tough guy. I got a little, no, I got big surprise for you next week. === June 10=== :''[Scott Hall shows up again]'' :'''Eric''': Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I don't want any trouble from you. I don't want any trouble with you here, now, but I don't have to point out. You came out here last week. Where is it, the big surprise? I mean I heard a lot of talk but where's the walk? ''[Hall points behind Eric]'' What? Where is he? :''[Kevin Nash, formerly known as Diesel in the WWF, appears from behind and grabs the mike]'' :'''Kevin Nash''': You've been sitting out here for six months running your mouth. This is where the big boys play, huh? Look at the adjective, play [''sic'']. We ain't here to play! Now, he ''[referring to Hall]'' said last week that he was going to bring somebody out here. I'm here. You still don't have your three people and do you know why? Because nobody wants to face us. This show's about as interesting as [[w:Marge Schott|Marge Schott]] reading excerpts from ''[[Mein Kampf]]''. :'''Eric''': No trouble tonight, man. Speak your piece and... :'''Nash''': Yeah, no trouble cause you know, I'll kick your teeth down your throat. Where are these three guys? You know you couldn't get a paleontologist to get these fossils cleared? You ain't got enough guys off a dialysis machine to get a team? Yeah, where's [[w:Hulk Hogan|Hogan]]? Where's Hogan? Out doing another episode of ''[[w:Thunder in Paradise|Blunder in Paradise]]''? Where's the Macho Man huh? Doing some Slim Jim commercial? Hey, we're here! You wanna say something? :'''Eric''': Look, I don't have the authority right here right now. You want a fight? Fight isn't within me. You want to face three guys? Tomorrow morning at 9:00, I'm going to be in Atlanta. I'll be in the offices of WCW. I'll try and get you your fight and do you know what? Live this Sunday in Baltimore, Great American Bash, you guys want to show up? You want a fight? You show up and I'll see if I can get you your fight. :'''Nash''': I don't know about you but they love us in Baltimore. :'''Scott Hall''': Hey big man, I say me and you, we be at the Bash. Maybe these punks want a fight. :'''Nash''': Yeah, bring what you got! The measuring stick just changed around here buddy. You're looking at it. ''[Tosses Bischoff around before he and Hall leave]'' ===July 8=== :'''Mean Gene Okerlund''': Sting, a very somber mood tonight. I can't believe it. I can feel it, you can feel it. These people continue to make our lives very very tenuous. They did it again tonight right in the middle of your match with Arn Anderson. But lets go back to last night. What's your sense of what's happened at the ''Bash at the Beach''? :'''Sting''': I am not at all surprised. What happened last night, I'm not surprised about coming from the two outsiders. But I will say I'm very very surprised at you Hulk Hogan. But I should've known. I should've known that when you were traveling to every town in that big fat limo. I should've known because you didn't want to travel with the Macho Man, the Total Package and the Stinger. Uhn-uhn, you were too busy making big movies and coming in for a little cameo appearance! You were too busy walking on the dark side! I should've known when you referred to the Macho Man, the Total Package and me as "three little dogs" waiting for a chance to wrestle the great Hulk Hogan. I should've known when I looked into your eyes. Do you know something, I made a mistake. But you made a bigger mistake because last night, you wiped out and trashed every single little kid, every single person that was a part of your life, that patterned their life after you! You told them to believe in the man upstairs! You told them to say their prayers and to take their vitamins! You told them to believe in themselves and you know something? It's a good thing you told them to believe in themselves because they sure as heck can't believe in you! :'''Mean Gene''': By the way-- :'''Sting''': ''[grabs mike]'' And last but not least, to put the cherry on the top, all those little kids, you told them to stick it! No, you stick it Hulk! YOU STICK IT! :'''Mean Gene''': That is very strong. By the way, as fate would have it, these two men and their partner last night. Lex Luger got knocked out early by the action so the two of you had to go at it against the Outsiders. But Macho Man Randy Savage, you were very close with Hulk Hogan as I was. You were part of the Mega Powers. And if anybody got it stuck up, stuck up, well, stuck to him, you really got it stuck to you. :'''Randy Savage''': I got a message for Hollywood Hogan. What I want to tell you and what I want to do to you, I can't say here on television especially at Disney. But you take the worst thing you can think about and you multiply it by the number nine million and then you multiply it by infinity and beyond, it would be just like one grain of sand in the Sahara desert brother. Because, it's really really scary. What I'm thinking and going to do to you, yeah! === July 15 === :'''[[w:Gene Okerlund|Mean Gene]]''': Hulk Hogan, Outsiders, you have led us down the primrose path! :'''Hulk Hogan''': Well you know something Gene-o, I wish I would've done this two years ago brother because the New World Order is taking over professional wrestling. Hulk Hogan is bigger than the sport of professional wrestling. And with the Outsiders, the new blood, the foundation of the New World Order, we shall rule the wrestling world Mean Gene! :'''Mean Gene''': [[What about the children]]? You know about the thousands and thousands of telephone calls that came into WCW. Every man, woman and child on the face of the earth is totally disgusted with you Hulk Hogan, including myself! :'''Hulk Hogan''': We all know about the training, the prayers and the vitamins brother and like I said, these people out here, after I led their children down the right path had the gall to boo Hulk Hogan one more time. You fans can stick it brother! :'''Mean Gene''': Wait a minute, I think Sting and Eric Bischoff brought it up earlier on. I think Sting said it best earlier on when he retorted "Hulk Hogan, ''you'' can stick it!" :'''Hulk Hogan''': Well you know something brother, as far as people like Sting go, ten years ago when I shook his hand in Venice Beach, he was a skinny little bodybuilder. And when he laid his eyes on Hulk Hogan, he was shaking in his boots. I heard all the crying from the so called Macho Man. For three years, he blamed his divorce, the fact that he couldn't rise to the occasion on Hulk Hogan brother. And over and over and over and over again this past week, I've heard WCW blame Hulk Hogan for their problems. The only problem is I'm the greatest wrestler in the world, I made professional wrestling, I will always be bigger than wrestling and with these two friends of mine, the New World Order shall rule the wrestling world! :'''Eric''': This conceited jerk! :'''Mean Gene''': You call these guys friends? You know about this man's background and this man's background, this nWo, Where is it going to go? Who's going to be a part of it? I think that's the question we're all asking ourselves and I'm going to ask you. :'''Hulk Hogan''': Well these are the renegades brother! These are the men that when I open the door brother, they had the guts enough to walk through it. These are the guys that are going to set the trend for the nineties. They will lead Hulk Hogan and professional wrestling to its destiny. But these guys are just the foundation. The thing that everybody, the people out there don't realize is as I build my empire, will there be more outsiders that I bring in? Or will it be people that are so close to Ted Turner, maybe Eric Bischoff's friends. Who knows man? Maybe the guys that are in the locker room right now. There's always been a double loyalty man. In this business, they've been loyal to the promoters who have paid their bills and they've also been loyal to Hulk Hogan. Because they know where Hulk Hogan goes, that's where professional wrestling goes. :'''Mean Gene''': You have to vent all of this on these people, the peers of this business. How about the kids that have looked up to you for years and years and now it comes down to this? And this is a pretty good example of the way your life is going to go Hulk Hogan. :'''Hulk Hogan''': Well you know dude, I laid it out straight for all those kids, brother. They didn't want to follow the path, so I'm done with them! But as far as I'm concerned, I'm not going to mess with that skinny little Macho Man or that crybaby Sting. I'm going right to the top of the ladder, brother! And at ''Hog Wild'', brother, on August the 10th, if the [[w:Paul Wight|Giant]] has got guts enough, I'm going to dismantle the whole Ted Turner organization in one night. We're going to take the WCW belt, make it the New World Order belt and we shall reign supreme from that day forward. And as far as I'm concerned brother, if Ted Turner has any boys in the back that have any guts at all, come on out right now! We'll beat up the whole WCW right now, and what are they gonna do?!! === September 16=== :''[Sting comes down to the ring with a microphone]'' :'''Sting''': ''[with his back turned to the main camera]'' I want a chance to explain something that happened last Monday night on ''Nitro''. Last Monday night, I was on an airplane flying from L.A. to Atlanta. When I got to Atlanta, I tuned in the TV to ''Nitro'' and I thought I was watching a rerun. It was a very convincing film. Often imitated but never duplicated though and what else did I see? I saw people, I saw wrestlers, I saw commentators and I saw best friends, doubt the Stinger. That's right, doubt the Stinger. So, I heard Lex Luger say "I know where Sting lives, I know where he works out, I'm gonna go get him!" So I said to myself, "I'll just go into [[seclusion]]. I'll wait and see what happens on ''Saturday Night''." And I tuned in ''Saturday Night'' and what did I see? I saw more of the same, more doubt. Which brings me to ''Fall Brawl''. I knew I had to get to ''Fall Brawl'' to get face to face with the Total Package to let him know that it wasn't me and what I got out of that was, "No, Sting. I DON'T BELEIVE YOU STING!" Well, all I've got to say is, I have been mediator, I have been babysitter, I've given him the benefit of the doubt about a thousand times in the last twelve months! I have carried the WCW banner and I have given my blood, my sweat and my tears for WCW! So for all of those fans out there and all of those wrestlers and people who've never doubted the Stinger, I'll stand by you if you stand by me. But, for all of the people, all of the commentators, all of the wrestlers and all of the best friends who did doubt me, you can stick it! From now on, I consider myself a free agent. But that doesn't mean you won't see the Stinger. From time to time, I'm going to pop in when you least expect it. === November 18=== :''[The show opens with the Outsiders in the ring with chairs having laid out the Nasty Boys and High Voltage. They go down to ringside where Tony and Larry are standing.]'' :'''Larry''': Not again. Not again with this! :'''Tony''': What's the problem here? :'''Kevin Nash''': Does this work? Nice to see you dressed up this week, Larry! ''[to Tony]'' Hey, I don't see you laughing today huh? :'''Scott Hall''': Funny guy, huh? :'''Nash''': I was so funny last week right? Funny like a clown right? Were you laughing at me? I ain't so funny tonight am I? You see, we can put this on any time we want. I can be funny, I can be deadly and so can this man! Hey, let me ask you a question. :'''Hall''': You got the bad neck, right? :'''Nash''': You got the bad neck, right? Do you want to pick up your kids, huh? :'''Tony''': ''[to Larry who's not standing up for Tony]'' Do you want to step in here? :'''Larry''': Hey, you're the one that laughed at them. They let me know what I think. :'''Nash''': You talk about a triangle match, right? There's two of the combatants laid out right now. :'''Hall''': You know, what I want to know is I've been hearing my whole career how scary the Faces of Fear are. They say, everybody says that Meng and the Barbarian are the two toughest guys in the business. Well you tell those two islanders, come on out here and we'll slap that coconut breath out of you. Tell them to come on down. You can't have a Pay Per View in WCW without inviting the nWo. <hr width=50%> :'''Larry''': You can't be upset by what happened. These guys are thugs, they're paid by Dibiase and you're okay. So relax about it, don't be all upset. :'''Tony''': Yeah well, I don't need to be pushed around. I'm not a wrestler. You're a wrestler. So why didn't you step in front for me? How long have we been friends? :'''Larry''': You're okay and I'm not Clint Eastwood. :'''Tony''': Well I can only say this and I'm going to apologize to everybody because I've never done this before at all. But I don't need to be pushed around. I've got five children. I've got a wife. I've got a great job. I'll tell you what, big mouth! Why don't you go ahead? Why don't you go ahead and step in front of me? Why don't you handle the broadcast? Why don't you try play-by-play? :'''Larry''': Don't get upset! :'''Tony''': I don't need guys who are seven feet tall coming out here! ''[takes off his headset and walks away]'' :'''Larry''': I don't need guys seven feet tall either coming out here! <hr width=50%> :''[Eric Bischoff is dismissing Roddy Piper's claim that he leads the NWO, which suddenly comes out and restrains Piper. Hulk Hogan embraces Bischoff, who later shakes Ted DiBiase]'' :'''Hulk Hogan''': Now that everybody realizes who everybody's working for... I mean, my God, this guy right here is the foundation of the WCW. Now he works for the NWO! == 1997 == ===February 10=== :''[Randy Anderson appears with his family to appeal to Eric Bischoff about hiring him back after the events of Souled Out]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': Kids come on up here. It's all right Randy. It's all right, kids, could you do me a favor. Would you please tell your daddy... that he's ''still fired? [NWO laughs]'' Would you do that for me? :'''Montana Anderson''': Please, Mr Bischoff! :'''Bischoff''': Montana please, tell your daddy he's fired, get on with his life. :'''Kevin Nash''': ''[mocks]'' Do it for little Tiny Tim! :'''Syxx''': God bless us everyone! <hr width=50%> :''[Tony Schiavone and Larry Zbyszko review the Piper/Hogan match footage at Starrcade 1996 that Eric Bischoff confiscated and was somehow played, but when the tape suddenly stops as if it was taken off playback, just as Randy Anderson was about to count off Hogan as submitting to Piper...]'' :'''Tony Schiavone''': What's going on here? :'''Zbyszko''': Well that wasn't nothing... :'''Schiavone''': We did not get this - ''[talks to production crew on the headset]'' what happened? Can anybody tell me what happened? The tape stopped? The tape broke? :'''Zbyszko''': Well what happened was - :'''Schiavone''': Someone's getting the tape in the production truck. :'''Zbyszko''': Who's in the truck? :'''Schiavone''': We're trying to find out fans, I apologize. I'm just talking to Craig Leathers, Keith Mitchell, in our video production truck. Someone apparently went and you hear the tape queueing up. You saw right there, I mean the hand was going up and it was gonna be the end of Hollywood Hulk Hogan with the sleeper. We all witnessed what happened, Eric Bischoff went into the video truck and grabbed the tape. :'''Zbyszko''': Well, anyway, the world saw what happened, we knew about it, now the missing footage had been recovered and what happened- :''[Eric Bischoff confronts the announcers with the tape]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': Don't you ever, don't you EVER, EVER, pull a stunt like that again. You or anybody else in this organization ''[puts down mic and starts tearing out the tape]'' ever, ever again. ''[leaves]'' :'''Schiavone''': We'll take a break. :'''Zbyszko''': He could beat up a tape, that's impressive! ===February 17=== :''[Eric Bischoff is fuming mad at Jimmy Jett passing Randy Anderson brass knuckles during his match with Nick Patrick]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': What do you think you're doing?!? You knocked him out! What is this? What is that? You know better than that! You know better than that! You used to be a referee! :'''Jimmy Jett''': Hey he won the match- :'''Bischoff''': You used to be a referee!! You are nothing! ''[to Anderson]'' And YOU. I saw it! Let me, let me tell you what you won. Now, you just won a permanent vacation and you are fired! Fired! Spell it, F-I-R-E-D! Leave the building now! Now! You're fired! :'''Jett''': It's not fair :'''Bischoff''': It's not fair! Take those with you! ===August 25=== :''[the Four Horsemen come out and Arn Anderson has something to say to Mean Gene]'' :'''Arn Anderson''': Well, Gene, all I can tell ya', to get a response like this makes what I got to say tonight mean that much more. Ya' see, I'm a realist. As everybody knows, I've got average size and speed and average ability, but I've parlayed that into what I would call a very successful career. And I did that on sheer will alone. But another reality is four months ago they took four vertebrae out of my neck. Consequently, I'm left with a hand, my left hand, too weak to hold a glass, too weak to button a button. :But I thought in my mind, I knew in my mind I could overcome that too, through sheer will. And I was doing just like that. I think I've come back a long way. But the other day I had something happen in the gym that was like a cold slap in the face of reality. A guy about your size, Gene, came up and he slapped me on the back and he said, 'Double A, where ya' been? We hadn't seen you on TV.' And just that slap sent a jolt through me and I dropped the water I was drinkin' and just for a second my system shut down. And it became crystal clear as I watched the few little drops of water draining out of that bottle the symbolism that was involved. It was like someone had turned an hourglass over and the sand was runnin' out on the career of Arn Anderson. :Now the fact of the matter is not only do I put myself in a suicide situation by trying to wrestle again, I endanger these two men's careers ''[referring to Chris Benoit and Curt Hennig]'' and I respect them too much for that. And rather than being anything other than the Enforcer in my best friend's eyes, I'd rather walk away. And for all of you people out there that have ever bought a ticket to see Arn Anderson wrestle, ''[crowd cheers]'' whether ya' love me or you hated me, you know that when that bell rang you got all I had that night. Whether I won, whether I lost, I gave you everything I had. And you knew that. And when you did this to me ''[makes four finger salute]'' that was your acknowledgement. :Well, the fact is I got nothing left to give. And I want you to remember me as I was, not as I am. But being the man that I am, my last act formally as a Horseman, I got one last challenge and that's to you, Curt Hennig. And don't misunderstand me. It's not for a fight. You got something special. I've seen you in this ring. Your skills, your maturity, your commitment to excellence make you something special. And what my challenge is to you, Curt, is stand beside my best friend, Ric Flair, and lead these two men back to the glory and the prominence that the Four Horsemen once had. And I'm going to tell you what your prize is. It's not a spot in the Horsemen. This is worth a lot more than that to me. I'm going to give you the only thing I got left. Not a spot. I'll give you MY spot. ===September 1=== :''[the NWO comes out spoofing the Four Horsemen, with Kevin Nash as Arn Anderson, Syxx as Ric Flair, Konnan as Steve "Mongo" McMichael, and Buff Bagwell as Curt Hennig]'' :'''Kevin Nash''': I take care of Horsemen business. Before I go any further: Let me all of the Horsemen out here know one thing: Guys, the beer is on ice. You know something, it's pretty ironic that on Labour Day WCW would decide to honor me cause anybody that's followed my career knows one thing: You were always wondering when I was gonna go into labour. :You know I sat back that day and I watched that highlight tape of my career and I said to myself: You know: I'm a guy of average size, average speed, average quickness, average looks, average intelligence, average carpentry skills - but you know what? I parlayed that into a wrestling career that I might say so myself was quite excellent. But you know something? Four months ago, I had a neck injury. Subsequently, I lost the feeling in my hand, my left hand. The significance of that: That's the hand I open beer with. But you know something? I willed myself back from that injury. I got to the gym - I didn't do anything there, I walked around - but I got to the gym. And you know what? I started a comeback. :But about a week ago, I went to the neighborhood bar, I bellied up against the bar like only I can and a fat broad - that's right, a fat broad - came up and smacked me in the back. That sent a chill down me... same fat broads that've been following the Horsemen for 20 years. But as I looked at that longneck laying on that cheap industrial grey carpentry, I said to myself: How ironic. That wasn't so much the fact that I was out three dollars and 75 cents, what it was to me was sand tickin' down through the hourglass - and everybody knows, so are the days of our lives. ''[Syxx imitates Ric Flair crying]'' You know one thing you can say, when Arn Anderson was comin' to town - besides the fact that I left a lot of unpaid bar tabs - was Arn Anderson was comin' to town. And you knew if I was on the card, how I was gonna give you 100 per cent - no matter how drunk, how hung over I was. I was gonna give you all ahead. And back in those days before the nWo, you eight people that bought those tickets, got one heck of a show. But you know what? As I come out here tonight, I ask you people: Don't remember how I used to be. Remember me how I look right now. ''[to Konnan]'' Good, Mongo! :'''Tony Schiavone''': ''[as Nash talks to Konnan]'' We've reached the lowest point ever in the history of this program. :'''Nash''':''[to Buff Bagwell]'' So Curt, that puts me and you and I got a challenge for you. Wait a second, I don't wanna fight you, cause I ain't want one in 20 years. What I got for you is a challenge, because as much as I wanna be a Horseman, I know if I come out here right now, I'd not only put him in danger, I would put my best friend in danger and I can't do that. So what I'm doing tonight is I got a challenge you and I ain't got much to offer you, cause the beer is spoken for. But what I do got is I got a spot. A spot with the Four Horsemen. Not just a spot, not a liver spot, not a 'Spot' like your dog Spot. No, not just any spot – but myyyyy spot. So I need to know right now: Do you accept it? My spot - not their spot, liver spot, not dog Spot, anybody's spot, MY spot to become a Four Horseman. Not my spot, anybody's spot, dog Spot, liver spot, MY spot. :'''Buff Bagwell''': As much as I wanna say, I'm a double-A fan, as much as I wanna say I like to be a Four Horseman, it's hard to say 'cause I don't like you and I don't like the Four Horsemen. But I tell you what... it would be an honor. ''[shakes hand with Nash and raises four fingers]'' :'''Tony Schiavone''': ''[as the four NWO members make the Four Horsemen sign and reveal NWO shirts with Four Horsemen parody images]'' And it's been a total joke now. :'''Bobby Heenan''': Not funny anymore. :'''Schiavone''': No it's not. :'''Heenan''': Not when you know Arn Anderson like we do. ===September 15=== :''[The show opens with footage of Ric Flair after being stitched up in a hospital as a result of last night's Fall Brawl when Curt Hennig slammed the cage door in his head''] :'''Tony Schiavone''': ''[very shaken up]'' Fans, uh... ''Nitro'', as you can see, is on the air. Before I go into this card, I need to say something that I've really never said before. You know, 13 years ago, I got into this business because of Ric Flair. I was a minor league baseball announcer in this same city. He went to bat for me for the promoters and I became a wrestling announcer and when I look back on what has happened to me, I credit Ric Flair. And you have seen Ric Flair and what hap.......I can't do this show. I'm sorry. ''[takes off his headset and leaves]'' ===September 22=== :'''Mean Gene Okerlund''': That's very impressive, a gentleman the stature of Hugh Morrus, and you absolutely got in there and manhandled him tonight. ''[Bill Goldberg just walks away]'' Sir, I've got to get a little bit more than that. Gentleman's just walking away from me. :'''Larry Zbyszko''': Is he a mute? :'''Mean Gene''': I can't believe that. Tony, I haven't seen anything like that. Very impressive. But who is this guy Goldberg? ===November 10=== :''[The NWO appears in the ring with Canadian flags and having brought back Kevin Nash...]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': ...And now the announcement I know I have been waiting to make, 'cause I have been working on this for a long time, the newest addition of the NWO, and Bret Hart, because you were such a... ''[punches the air] knockout'' kind of a guy! ''[everybody laughs, knowing its a reference to Bret punching Vince McMahon after the Montreal Screwjob]'' :'''Hulk Hogan''': He passed the initiation! :'''Bischoff''': We have a special, special ''[pulls out paper from his jacket]'' gift for you. Liz, can you come around here? ''[passes out paper to NWO members]'' All right let's do it. On three, one, two - this is for you, Bret - three ''[the NWO sings O Canada]'' ===November 17=== :'''Rick Rude''': Oh what a difference a day makes. Twenty-four little hours. You know and we all have our 15 minutes of fame and I'd like to take a couple of my 15 minutes to talk about the rights and the wrongs in the world of professional wrestling. What's wrong in the world of professional wrestling is Shawn Michaels claiming to be World Champion when he never beat Bret Hart. What's wrong with the world of professional wrestling is for Vince McMahon to instruct the [[w:Montreal Screwjob|referee to ring the bell]] in order to rob Bret Hart of his title. But on the other hand, what's right in the world of professional wrestling is for Bret Hart to abandon the Titanic and swim to the refuge of the nWo. What's right with the world of professional wrestling is nWo's course to destruct WCW. What's right with the world of professional wrestling is for the nWo to beat the living shit out of the man called Sting. Now the only thing wrong with that entire situation is that I didn't have the chance to participate. Sting second verse is gonna be same as the first. A little bit rowdier and a whole lot worse, because this time Sting, I will partake. ===December 22=== :''[Hulk is in the middle of another promo when a WCW event staffer delivers him a silver gift box]'' :'''Hulk Hogan''': The NWO is just too sweet. Oh, oh my God! ''[sees Bret Hart arrive in a limousine with women and a male waiter accompanying him]'' You're right. It's only one guy. The newest member of the NWO, Bret Hitman Hart. I knew it had to be him, boss. Thank you Bret. ''[opens box and suddenly pulls up a fake severed head of himself; screams in horror]'' Oh my God! ''[points to Bret thinking he delivered the head]'' :'''Mike Tenay''': Looks like a message has been delivered to Hollywood Hulk Hogan and the NWO, Mr Rude. :'''Rick Rude''': What is this? :'''Bobby Heenan''': What is going on now? :'''Rude''': Is Bret Hart trying to say he wants a piece of the NWO? :'''Tenay''': ''[sees spotlight focused on Sting]'' Look at that, it's Sting! He's arrived on the scene. :'''Heenan''': He's on top of the NWO sign, at the top of the building here in Macon. :'''Rude''': ''[as Sting ziplines to the ring]'' Take him out Hollywood, take him out! :'''Tenay''': ''[Hogan scampers out of the ring]'' Sting is on his way to the ring. We'll see you Sunday at Starrcade! == 1998 == ===May 11=== :''[Eric Bischoff shoots on DX's recent assaults]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': As I look through the crowd tonight, I wonder what you must be thinking and I wonder what Vince McMahon is thinking. You know because for the last couple of weeks he's been sending his little wannabes around demanding to talk to ''moi''. The only problem with that is, he only sends them where he knows I'm not going to be. That's okay because I've got a little solution. Sean Waltman, you want an apology from me? You actually show up at our offices on a Monday afternoon when I think even you Sean are smart enough to figure out I probably wouldn't be there. As far as the apology goes - bite me! I apologize to no one. :But I've got a better idea because, Sean, I know you're just a little puppet and you do what Vince McMahon tells you to do, so Vince McMahon, this is for you. I'm coming to your backyard this Sunday. That's right, in Worcester, Massachussetts we've got a little PPV thing going on and I've got a hell of an idea. You want me? I'm gonna be in your back yard. Consider this an open invitation, Vince McMahon. You show up at Slamboree, it will be me and you McMahon, in the ring. How about it, Vinnie? But I want to warn you people right now, if you think Vince McMahon has got the guts to show up, don't buy this PPV because I guarantee you he is not man enough to step into this ring with me. But I'll be there Vinnie Mac, I'll be waiting for you. And I'm going to knock you out. See you there. ===July 6=== :''[The NWO meet somebody who's just arrived and Hogan earlier hinted as somebody Goldberg must defeat first to face him in the main event - Scott Hall]'' :'''Hulk Hogan''': ''[as they walk to the arena]'' You're toast. :'''Scott Hall''': Can't have a party without me, baby. :'''Hogan''': That's right brother. :'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[to Hall]'' God, we missed you! :'''Hall''': I gotta heat things up. :'''Bischoff''': Oh and you know how! :'''Hall''': I gotta heat things up. :'''Hogan''': I like it. :'''Curt Hennig''': How you feeling? :'''Hall''': Too sweet. :'''Hogan''': Got the party goods, we got the goods for the party, let's go! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tony Schiavone''': The fans stand, showing their signs, and we are walking with Goldberg, and security from Goldberg's own locker room area following with him all the way to the ring, as you look live back in the locker room area. Surrounding Goldberg, some of Atlanta's finest, Doug Dillinger as well with WCW security, and here they come. :'''Bobby "The Brain" Heenan''': What's going through his mind right now? I've never been in that situation, going for a world championship, let alone with that list of victories this man has, in his backyard, hometown in front of everybody he played for, played with. What an evening, what drama right now. :'''Tony''': Long walk for Goldberg, but it's been a long wait since he arrived in the Georgia Dome earlier in the day. So what's another long walk for Goldberg? They're almost down here now. :''[Goldberg now walks alone]'' :'''Bobby''': Well, Hogan may be taking a long walk too. A ''real'' long walk back to the dressing room empty-handed. :'''Tony''': But could the unblemished mark, the incredible series of wins by Goldberg come to a crashing end here tonight? :'''Bobby''': And you know, Tony, if Hogan is to defeat this man, you know what the nWo's gonna be like then with Hogan and Eric Bischoff in charge. :'''Tony''': ''[as Goldberg reaches the entrance]'' And there he is. :'''Mike Tenay''': And here comes the eruption. :'''Bobby''': Bigger than before. :'''Tony''': This is his moment. :''[Goldberg stands on the ramp as the pyrotechnics envelope him for twenty seconds. When they subside, he walks to the ring surrounded by the security from before]'' :'''Bobby''': It's a long way down. :'''Tony''': There you look at Goldberg, and think about what Goldberg represents. A virtual unknown in this sport who walked into WCW, and he represents every wrestler who wanted just to walk in here and become the World Champ. That's what he represents as he makes his way to the ring. :'''Bobby''': He looks ready! Do it for me! Do it for the fans! Get rid of Hogan! And what's Hogan's mentality gonna be at ''Bash at the Beach'' if he's not heavyweight champion of the world along with Rodman? <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': Look at Goldberg! He's ready! :'''Tony''': He's poised... ''[Goldberg spears Hulk Hogan]'' Hogan goes down! :'''Bobby''': Okay, there's part one! Now finish him off! Finish him off! :'''Tony''': ''[Goldberg signals for the Jackhammer]'' He's calling for it! :'''Bobby''': This is it! This is it! ''[Goldberg sets Hogan up for the Jackhammer]'' Your career's on the line here! Do it! Do it! This place'll erupt when he picks him up. :'''Tony''': ''[Goldberg lifts Hogan in a suplex]'' He's got him up! ''[...and slams Hogan to the mat]'' Oh Hell Yeah! :'''Tony and Bobby''': ''[counting with the referee]'' One... :'''Tony''': ''[continues]'' ...two...THREE!!! :'''Bobby''': OH, THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! We got a new heavyweight champion of the world! The first undefeated man in the history of this sport to ever win the World Championship, and have a record of 107, 108...who cares?! There's zero on the other side! We've got a new champion! Listen to this! ''[pauses to acknowledge the cheering crowd and "Goldberg" chants]'' Wow. :'''Mike''': Thirty-one-year-old Bill Goldberg, less than ten months in the sport, is on top of the wrestling world. :'''Tony''': ''[off a shirt]'' "Who's next?" :'''Bobby''': Who cares? :'''Tony''': "Who cares" is right. The hero has come through, lades and gentlemen, you have witnessed professional wrestling history on many levels. A man who is undeniably the toughest we have seen in decades, a man who undeniably will lead pro wrestling into the next millennium, stands in the Georgia Dome in front of more than 39,000 fans. :'''Bobby''': Tony, there's a new sheriff in town. :'''Tony''': When we go to ''Bash at the Beach'', Goldberg will be the world champ. Its only six days away. :'''Bobby''': We still got ''Thunder'', Wednesday. :'''Tony''': With the new world champion. Well, there's nothing more that this announce crew can add to what you've been a witness here tonight. It's been a night for the ages, it's been a night that we will never forget because on Monday, July 6th, 1998, Goldberg captured the gold. Goldberg, went to 108 and 0, and in less than one year, Goldberg, the phenomenon that is Bill Goldberg, at age 31, is the heavyweight champion of the world, and they're not going anywhere... :'''Bobby''': No. :'''Tony''': They're still standing, chanting his name, paying homage to their hero. :'''Mike''': Let the celebration begin! :'''Tony''': For Iron Mike Tenay and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan... :'''Bobby''': Thank you!! :'''Tony''': ...and Larry Zsbysko, and Mean Gene, and everybody in pro wrestling... Goodnight, America!! :'''Mike''': Goldberg's the champ! Let's go! ===August 17=== :''[Hollywood Hogan is in the middle of a promo calling out DDP for "somebody from his past." Jim Hellwig, aka Warrior comes in and enters the ring]'' :'''Warrior''': Talk to me, Warriors!!! ''[at top rope]'' Feel the real power, Hogan!! :'''Hollywood Hogan''': ''[shaken by his appearance]'' I thought you were dead! :'''Warrior''': Who holds the absolute power now, Hollywood Hogan? Unleash that raising voice, Warriors! ''['Warrior!" chants]'' Seems as if no formal introduction is gonna be necessary! Actually, it even seems as if there are those who anticipated my arrival! ''[disgusted at Hogan offering his NWO shirt as if inviting him to join]'' What is that smell? You might want to use it to clean up the mess you just made all over yourself! You need to open your eyes and ears, take control of the limited ability you have to understand the words I am about to say. For years, I have watched while this industry, with you as it's figurehead, has tried to create what is simply un-re-cre-at-able. I have heard, listened to all the innuendos and speculation that something ULTIMATE or WARRIOR may soon reappear. Welcome to the reappearance!</br> Those things, Hogan, which are irreplaceable, whether they be people, places, or things, are never forgotten. You are witnessing that - RIGHT NOW! History tells us, Hogan... ''[“Hogan sucks”-Chants]'' Let's talk about something he doesn't know! History tells us, Hogan, that a man's legacy is build from the premise that within his life the moments lived, once lived, become a piece of his history. Somehow, you have conveniently, even eloquently, misplaced pieces of your history.</br> In the [[WrestleMania#WrestleMania_VI_(1990)|one time, epochal battle between us]], Hogan, you were the quintessential influence of what was good, great, and heroic. But different than you may remember, and albeit you may have beaten myths, legends, giants, and other great men, you never - never - beat a warrior. AND, certainly, not THE ULTIMATE ONE! As a victor of that one-time battle, I defeated what was, until then, undefeatable. I conquered what was then unconquerable. I dominated what was, until then, indomitable. On that day, you were great. I was ULTIMATE!</br> Let me introduce myself, to those two fools that stand behind you. Let's see, this - dude ''[points to the Disciple]'' - must be your barber. And ''[to Eric Bischoff]'' who are you, little man? Who are you? :'''Eric Bischoff''': You know who I am. My name is Eric Bischoff, I run this company and who invited you? :'''Warrior''': ''[laughs]'' Different than you want to make people believe, I never received an invitation, I showed up on my own accord, and let me tell you, Mr. Eric Bischoff, if you stick your nose in my business, you only, very quickly, prepare for your own demise. Furthermore, when I get done with my business here, I'm going to be sending you a bill. I suggest you pay it. I have waited patiently. The WARRIORS have waited all too patiently.</br> Now - NOW - the virtue of justice unties my hands so that I can continue to fulfill a destiny set in motion upon that memorable day years ago - a destiny at the next level - a destiny beckoning the next Super Hero. There really is no sadder sight than when a grown man fears the challenges in his life so much that he rationalises adolescent behaviour to the point where he carries out heinous and self-indulgent actions - YOUR evilness, the evilness you embody and portray, is intolerable.</br> I am the one that has the power to destroy you. It's source, Hogan, the truth, is inexhaustible. I come here, not to beat you up tonight, Hogan - beating you means nothing anymore. Everybody already has. No no no no no no no, that's too easy. Because you felt guilty for being who you were. Your mind became weak and Hulkamania became boring. I come here, Hogan, to tell you next week I intend to launch a revolution not even YOU can control. I ask you to find the courage - check it out - next week, same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel.</br> ===September 14=== :'''Arn Anderson''': Can you smell it, JJ? Take a breath. Can you smell it? When 15,000 people blow the roof off a place, that's what a pop smells like. Take a bow. What you said to me is what all those people have been saying to me for a year and a half, and only a true friend would say that. They said "Arn Anderson, stand up and be a man, like you've always been!" And I couldn't hear those words, 'cause something was in the way and I'm gonna start at the beginning, because you have to start at the beginning because tonight IS a new beginning for the Four Horsemen. :Now when I was a kid, like all kids, people asked you "what do you wanna be when you grow up?" There was no grey area for me, I always knew I wanted to be a wrestler. And when that finally happened for me, it was the proudest day of my life. And in 1986, I started coming to these towns, just like Greenville, South Carolina, as a Horseman. And my life changed forever, and the doors it opened for me, I had never dreamed of. And wrestling the greatest wrestlers in the world in a town like this and all across this country showed me who I was. And every day that I woke up since then I tried to uphold the standards that we, you and I and the rest of us set for ourselves. :And about a year and a half ago, I laid down on an operating table and when I woke up, Arn Anderson the wrestler was dead, and I thought to myself how could I be a Horseman if I couldn't be a wrestler. Well, the fact is I couldn't in my mind... :'''Crowd''': We Want Flair! :'''Arn''': Trust me, everybody's gonna get what they want tonight, Bischoff. Eric Bischoff. :So when I thought I could no longer be a Horsemen, Chris Benoit came to me first and he said "this can all happen." And with that prelude, I would like to bring the other three Horsemen out right now. Steve "Mongo" McMichael, come on down. ''[Steve McMichael enters the ring, as do the other Horsemen when called]'' Chris Benoit, come on down. Dean Malenko, come on down. :Now, before we go any further. Chris Benoit, you got this thing rolling, and I'm gonna go on record as saying, if there's a finer wrestler in all the land than you, I don't know who it is. Your intensity, the first time I saw you wrestle, made you something special. You are something special in my eyes, you knew what it meant to be a Horsemen. You will carry that tradition way past the year 2000. :Mongo McMichael, you're hard-headed, lotta times you're hard to be around, but the fact is in my eyes, you're all man. You're certainly All-Pro, and when this is all said and done, if I've got anything to say about it, you will mean to this sport what you've meant to the sport of pro football. :Now Dean Malenko. I've been out here ya/king for the last ten years about what it meant to be a Horseman: work ethic, respect for the business, respect for each other, respect for the people that came before us. And while I was yakking the last year, and the last couple of months, you were out there fighting the fights for the Horsemen. You exemplify what a Horseman has always meant: overachievement. Being the very best you could be, each and every day of your life, whether you were sick, or hurt, or whatever the case may be, and it makes me proud, now I'm gonna say one more time. I've said that you didn't get it; well, ''I'' didn't get it, because if there was ever a Horseman it makes me a little misty-eyed and real proud to call on this day the finest thing you can be in this sport of professional wrestling, that's a Horseman. :Ladies and gentlemen, through the year 2000, we're gonna do exactly what all of you across this nation have asked: "Arn Anderson, bring back the Horsemen!" But I feel it fair to tell ya, I'm not gonna be responsible for what happens next. 'Cause we don't wear white hats, we're not nice guys, and I can tell you this: heads are gonna roll! So, I've said it: Be careful what you wish for, because now you have it! :Ah, what a goof! What a goof! You know, I get accused of gettin' racked in the head a few times and having a little touch of Alzheimer's. My God! I almost forgot the fourth Horseman! Ric Flair, get on down here! <hr width=50%> :'''Ric Flair''': Thank you, thank you very much. I'm almost embarrassed by the response, but when I see this, I know that the twenty - five years that I've spent trying to make you happy every night of your life was worth every damn minute of it. Now, somebody told me that the Horsemen were having a party tonight in Greenville! Could that be true that the most elite group that Eric Bischoff said was dead, is alive and well? Bischoff, this might be my only shot, and I gotta tell ya, I'm gonna make it my best. Is this what you call a great moment in TV? It's wrong, because this is REAL! This is not bought and paid for! It's a REAL - LIFE - SITUATION! Just like the night in Columbia, South Carolina, when you looked at me - tears in my eyes - and said 'God, that's good TV' - it was real! Arn Anderson passed the torch - it was real, dammit! You think Sting was crying in the dressing room like I was on TV if it wasn't real? This guy, my best friend, is one of the greatest performers who ever lived, and YOU - you squashed him, in one night. Then you get on the phone and tell me, "Disband the Horsemen. They're dead. Disband the Four Horsemen." You know what? I looked at myself in the mirror the next day and I saw a pathetic figure that gave up and quit! And for that, I owe you, the wrestling fans, I owe these guys an apology. Because it won't happen again! ''[Bischoff appears at the entrance way]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': You're history! This is my TV!! :'''Flair''': Bischoff, whatever you think... You're an overbearing asshole! That's right! You're an obnoxious, you're an obnoxious, overbearing ass! Abuse of power! You! Abuse of power! Cut me off! Come on! It's called abuse of power! :'''Bischoff''': You'll never ever wrestle on my television again! :'''Flair''': You suck! You... I hate your guts. I hate your guts. :'''Bischoff''': ''[as he walks away]'' This is my house! You're history! :'''Flair''': You are a liar, you're a cheat, you're a scam, you are a no-good son of a bitch. :'''Bischoff''': You're history! :'''Flair''': Fire me! I'm already fired! Fire me! I'm already fired! ===December 14=== :''[Ric Flair and the Four Horsemen just fought off the NWO, and he's still livid over Eric Bischoff kissing his wife the week before]'' :'''Ric Flair''': BISCHOFF!!! For 25 years, for whatever I have been, good and bad, I've been a man, you son of a bitch! And good or bad, I can walk in the door of my house and know that those kids, and that wife forgave me for everything I ever did wrong because they depended on me to live day in and day out! You, you start out, you come in here, you promise me the world and then you take my career, you try to shitcan that, that didn't work, because ''[to the fans]'' they, right here, 40,000 strong, wouldn't let you do it! :'''Bobby Heenan''': It's the most intense I've ever seen him. :'''Flair''': Then, you put your lawyers on me and you know what, you damn near broke me, but I would like to the wire, I fought you every step of the way. I gave in, I came back, not 'coz of you, but because my little boy, ten years old, walked up to me and said, "Dad, why don't you just beat the hell out of Bischoff and get back in the world?" He didn't understand politics, he didn't understand lawyers, but he understands that every day of his life, his dad said two things to him: Never quit. Promise me for as long as I am alive, you will never quit - and last Thursday night, you stepped over the line AND I ALMOST QUIT! I almost couldn't live it, you put your hands on my children, you kissed my wife, you no-good rotten bastard! What do you think my kids felt when they went to school, embarrassed? No. Shocked? No. You stepped over the line. You took something... :''[Eric Bischoff appears at the entranceway]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[mock sadness]'' Oh, Ric, I feel so bad.. ''[sees Flair running up to him; to security]'' STOP HIM STOP HIM!!! ''[security restrains Flair]'' Come on, come on! Come and get me, come and get me be careful with him, he's got a bad heart! He's got a bad heart! ''[as the officers cuff him]'' Arrest him! Arrest him, so I can fire him!! == 1999 == === January 4=== :'''Tony Schiavone''': If you're even thinking about changing the channel to our competition, fans, do not. Because we understand that Mick Foley, who wrestled here one time as Cactus Jack, is going to win their World Title. ''[sarcastically]'' That's gonna put some butts in the seats. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tony''': Fans, I want to reiterate something I talked about before the commercial break. If you're thinking about changing channels to our competition, we want to let you know that unlike us, they've got their show in the can, their show's been taped. Later tonight, Mick Foley, who once wrestled here as Cactus Jack, is gonna win their World Title. I mean, that's gonna be their World Champion. Ha ha! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tony''': Fans, as you know, it's getting close to the 11:00 hour. We're gonna stay right here, we're gonna follow all the action as long as it takes, so stay with us. These are not taped matches. This is happening live, this is ''Nitro''. ''[Bell rings]'' The bell sounds, Billy Silverman making the call. No matter what happens, we're staying with you here tonight. :'''Bobby "The Brain" Heenan''': Even if it goes on ''all'' night, we're gonna be here. :'''Tony''': That's what we're all about. :'''Bobby''': We're live! :... :'''Tony''': Listen to the fans! Look at Hogan's reaction! :'''Bobby''': Over 40,000+! This is better than a playoff game! :'''Tony''': Hell, this is what pro wrestling, what World Championship Wrestling is all about! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tony''': ''[on Hogan]'' He's been in so many big matches. :'''Bobby''': Boy, he has. :''[Hogan fakes a punch, [[w:Fingerpoke of Doom|then lightly pokes Kevin Nash, who drops to the mat.]] Hogan covers him.]'' :'''Tony''': ''[as Silverman counts]'' What was that about? What's going on here? ''[Silverman counts to three. Hogan, Nash, Hall, and Scott Steiner celebrate in the ring]'' What just happened here? :'''Bobby''': This stinks. :'''Michael Buffer''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner and new Heavyweight Champion of the world, from nWo Hollywood, Hulk Hogan! :'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[having been silent all night]'' It is unbelievable! The new World Heavyweight Champion, Hollywood Hulk Hogan! ===October 11=== :'''Tony Schiavone''': Before we start with tonight's action, Brain, there's something we both, but particularly you, have to say about our longtime friend Gorilla Monsoon. :'''Bobby "The Brain" Heenan''': Gorilla will be sadly missed. He was one big, tough man, he was a decent honest man, and we're all going to miss him very much. And you know the pearly gates in heaven? :'''Tony''': Yeah. :'''Bobby''': It's now gonna be called the Gorilla position. Goodbye, my friend. ==2000== ===February 7=== :''[Scott Steiner, his women, and the NWO are in the ring]'' :'''Scott Steiner''': Now last week, I was watching TV and I watched a 53-year-old man come down here who wears more loose skin than a Shar-Pei puppy come out here saying he's still "The Man." I see Ric Flair No.2, the Nature Boy come out here, who's been the butt-end of all the jokes, 'cause he's supposed to be the limousine-riding, jet-flying son of a gun, but I'm saying one time, you shoulda take a cab, and used to that money to fix that scrooked yellow teeth! So I asked myself, "if WCW was going to hire the Nature Boy No.2, why wouldn't they hire the Nature Boy, the ''original'' Nature Boy, Buddy Rogers?" Now I know that Buddy Rogers is dead - God rest his soul - but Ric Flair, your career is dead! And I know as he lays six feet under, he's still styling and profiling, 'cause when you used your little brain and stole his name, there's one thing you couldn't steal, and that was his class. So when you walked down that aisle last week, I know I wasn't alone, 'cause the people at home, all they did was grab their remote, change the channel to WWF and watch Stone Cold, a person you and your old friends got fired from here 'cause you're a jealous, old bastard. So Ric Flair, remember this, in this wrestling business, there's never been a bigger ass-kissing, butt-sucking bastard in this business, but also in life, you're the biggest ass-kiss, back-stabbing, butt-sucking bastard and you belong where you're at, in WCW, because WCW sucks... and so do you! Me? I'm just gonna stand here in the NWO for life! ===April 10=== :''[Jeff Jarrett reveals Vince Russo as the Powers That Be]'' :'''Vince Russo''': You know, after giving six years of my life to the World Wrestling Federation I came to WCW with one thing in mind - and that was to beat Vince McMahon at his own game! And you know what? Within a matter of weeks, the new blood in WCW was not only getting back in the game, they were changing the game! And that's when the good ol' boy network kicked in - afraid of change, and more importantly afraid of their jobs - the political BS took place in the back to bring Vince Russo down. And you stayin' at home know who you are 'cause you're watching me now. And then one day I'm told that there's gonna be a change in direction - a change that I knew SUCKED! And you know what? I wasn't the only one who knew - Benoit knew - Guerrero knew - Saturn knew - Malenko knew - Douglas knew - and they left! They're gone! Scott Steiner - he knew it, and they suspended his ass! Well you know what? That's all over now. It's done. And Vince Russo is back in charge again. And I wanna turn around now and I wanna say something to everybody in this ring. It is OVER. The old boys management is over. The inflated egos in the back, afraid to lose their spot - it is over. It is the dawning of a new day - it is your opportunity - seize that opportunity! :''[Eric Bischoff appears]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': Are you done yet? Let me tell you something. This man - Vince Russo and I - have more in common than anybody knows. But the big thing is the fact that we were both screwed by the same... good ol' boys network. Vince is right - those days are over. But it's okay! I don't even mind. And you know why I don't mind? Because it's giving me a hell of an opportunity to think about all the great things I did in WCW, but it's also given me an opportunity to realize the mistakes I've made... mistakes like Scott Hall, Kevin Nash, Sting, Diamond Dallas Page, and oh yeah, oh yeah... let's not forget Sid "Wished he was" Vicious. But you know what the biggest mistake I've ever made? I mean this is the real big one. Hulk Hogan. I'm sorry - I really am sorry. :Everybody told me he would screw me - he would use me - they said, do not look into that red and yellow light because you will be blinded. Well, I was blinded, but tonight I've got 20/20 vision - I'm seeing real clearly for the first time in a long time, and right now I want to apologize to everybody in this ring - The New Blood - and I want you guys to know that if there's anything I can do for Vince Russo that will help you, I am there for him - I am there for you, because it is a whole new WCW. And where are they? Where are they, where is Diamond Dallas Page? Where is Sting? Where are they? :'''Russo''': I think they're hiding in the back with the old tail between their legs. ===July 15=== :''[Tony Schiavone and Mark Madden talk about the Billy Kidman/Torrie Wilson sex tape on Nitro and the subsequent segment between Torrie and Shane Douglas on Thunder.]'' :'''Tony Schiavone''': ... that fueled the fire for this "Viagra on a Pole" Match. :'''Mark Madden''': I'll tell you... I'll tell you what, you can't come out of here limping in a match like this. You gotta get it up right away and keep it up. ===August 14=== :'''Vince Russo''': ''[Standing in the ring with Tank Abbott at the start of the show]'' You know, it seems like deja vu all over again. I stood in this very ring [[w:Bash at the Beach|one month ago]], and I made history. I made an example out of somebody... and you all know who [[w:Hulk Hogan|that]] is, because that piece of shit hasn't been around since! Well tonight, I'm gonna make an example on live TV out of another piece of shit, Goldberg! You don't screw with me and the fact is I came out here tonight to fire Bill Goldberg's ass on national TV! Yeah, cheer for him you asshole Canadians! Well you know what? Brad Siegel wouldn't let me fire Goldberg because the fans love Goldberg! Well I say screw the fans and I say screw Bill Goldberg! And Goldberg, since I could not fire your ass, well I'm going to have your ass kicked right here tonight and he's right here Bill. Remember what happened at the Phillips arena Bill? Well we all know that was bullshit! So I say Bill, you bring it out here and lets call it in the ring. Do it Tank! You know, let me explain something to you assholes! You see, Bill Goldberg, Bill Goldberg believes in his own little mind that if this world were real, then he could take everybody! He could kick everybody's ass! He could kick your ass Tank! You know Bill, you think you're Superman, you think you're invincible, you think I can't beat you huh? Well I'll tell you what, I've got the kryptonite to stick up your ass tonight pal! What do I got to do? Do I got to beg you to come out here chickenshit?! What's the matter Bill? You don't want to come out here? You don't know the script? You don't know the storyline? Tank will call your ass! ===September 11=== :''[Big Poppa Pump is interviewed by Mean Gene]'' :'''Scott Steiner''': That's right Mean Gene, I don't lay down for nobody and whether I leave here the world champion tonight, it don't matter because it's not going to change my focus on getting even with Goldberg for fracturing my face at Fall Brawl. Goldberg! I'm getting even for you fracturing my face and I'm gonna prove to you that I'm the man with the largest arms in the world! I'm the genetic freak and size does matter! And that statement, Mean Gene, comes true whether I'm in the ring or out of the ring. See where all my freaks are horizontal, they understand size, they appreciate size and size does matter and they know that they don't have to wait for the Earth to rotate on a 47-degree axis so the stars can touch the sky and create an equinox so they see the Big Dipper. No no no, all they gotta do is call the Big Poppa, cause I'm the man with the big dipper and satisfaction's coming when I go behind and do the bump n' grind and it's only a matter of time before they call me the big bad booty daddy! So Goldberg, realize this. I only care about two things in this world: my freaks and my peaks and I'll beat your ass down at Fall Brawl and I'm about to put you in the Steiner Recliner and I'm gonna whisper in your ear, 'Size does matter, bitch!' ==2001== ===March 19=== :''[Booker T calls out Big Poppa Pump and Ric Flair]'' :'''Booker T''': Yo Steiner, Flair. I told you I was gonna talk to the man and that man is Eric Bischoff, so shut up and listen. :'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[by phone patch]'' Thank you Booker. For those of you in the arena and all of you watching around the country this evening, I would very much would have chosen to be there tonight in person as I could be but given everything that's going on tonight, that's just not possible. Many of you may know that for the past six months I've been working with a group of people whose goal was - and is - to acquire World Championship Wrestling and to grow it once again to becoming a competitive, dominant wrestling organization worldwide. :But recently, we've hit a couple of roadblocks that may be in fact brick walls, and while it is still in my power, I want to do something befitting what could be very well the last night of wrestling on the Turner networks. Given the fact that that wrestling has been such an important part of Turner's history for the past 29 years, I've been thinking over the weekend on what I could do to provide an exciting program that this historic event should be. To that end, I want to make an announcement now that next Monday night in Panama City is indeed going to be a "Night of Champions." By that, I mean every championship will be up for grabs, starting with the World Cruiserweight Championship, the Cruiserweight Tag Team Championships, the World Tag Team championship, the US title, and the World Heavyweight will also be up for grabs next Monday night at Panama City. And Scott Steiner, Booker T, I want you to, to be aware now that your match is going to be a "Title Vs Title" match. The contracts are prepared, a WCW representative is standing by to make sure that the contracts are executed. Read them carefully, sign them, be prepared to defend your titles next Monday night. And also given the historic nature of this occasion and my relationship with this company for nearly ten years, I wanna personally extend an open invitation to any former - and I mean ''any former'' - World Heavyweight champion in WCW to join us in Panama City, and don't be afraid to bring your boots with you. :Lastly, Ric Flair, you and I have had a very rocky relationship over the past ten years and while I have a tremendous amount of respect for you and what you've done in wrestling history and what you've done for WCW for so long now, I want to make sure that in your case, a promise made is a promise kept - and Ric Flair, it is in your best interest this evening - to kiss Dusty Rhodes' ass. ''[Flair is flustered]'' That being said, I'll see you all in Panama City next Monday night, The Night of Champions, thank you. ===March 26=== :''[After the WCW opening logo, Vince McMahon appears]'' :'''Vince McMahon''': Imagine that. Me, Vince McMahon. Imagine that, here I am, on WCW television. How can that happen? Well, there's only one way. You see that it was just a matter of time before I, Vince McMahon, bought my competition. That's right, I own WCW, so therefore in its final broadcast tonight on TNT, I have the opportunity to address ''[hands gesturing to camera]'' you the WCW fans. I have an opportunity to address, you the WCW superstars. What is the fate of WCW? Well tonight, in this special simulcast, you will all find out, because the fate - ''[cups hands]'' the very fate of WCW is in ''my hands''. <hr width=50%/> :''[Ric Flair comes down to the ring]'' :'''Ric Flair''': Did I - Did I - WOOOOO! Did I happen to hear Vince McMahon say he was goin' to hold WCW in the palms of his hands? Is that what he said? Does that mean that YOU are gonna hold Jack Brisco, Dory Funk, Harley Race, the Road Warriors, Sting, Luger, the Steiners, Bagwell, Ric Flair, Steamboat, does that mean you're gonna hold us all in the palm of your hands? To coin a phrase, I don't think so! You know, at twelve o'clock today, someone very special to me said, "Do not go onto that show tonight knowin' it's the last time that you'll ever be on TNT or TBS" - knowing it's the last time, she said to me, "Don't go out there and cry - don't go out there and say you're sorry" because I'm not - I've been fourteen times the World Champion - in my eyes, one of the greatest, you got it! The greatest wrestling organization in the world - WCW! :We... I'm talkin' about the Stings, the Lugers, the Steiners, the Road Warriors - I'm talkin' about my best friend, Arn Anderson and the Four Horsemen - we have been on a par, and we have been equal to any wrestling organization in the world - as a matter of fact, we have run neck and neck with you, Vince McMahon, for years - for YEARS - and just for trivia, Vince McMahon, do you know that in 1981, when you were trying to become an announcer, your dad was on the board of directors and voted for ME to be the world champion - WOOOO! How 'bout that? And ever since that day, I have been a limousine-ridin', jet-flyin', kiss-stealin', wheelin-dealin', son of a gun, that along with the whole WCW dammit all, have kissed the girls worldwide, and made 'em cry! 'Cause ya see, we were every bit the force, we were WCW - we lived, we breathed, we sweat, we paid the price to be the best - never been about the boys - it's always been WWF vs. the WCW in the office - the boys that have gone out there, night in and night out, doing everything they could to be the very best at what they chose to do in their life - those boys are here tonight - we are! :We're not going anywhere, you can't hold us in your hands and predict our life! We're WCW! We've bled and we've sweat - when was the last time you wrestled for an hour, cut yourself five times, bled for 45 minutes... when were you there? You weren't! You weren't! You were never in the dressing room, on the road 40 days and 40 nights, bleedin', sweatin', goin' to the next town, you weren't there, you can't hold people's lives in your hands. We're the greatest wrestling company of all time - I wanna say it again - you can't control us or our future, and in closing, let me say this - in all my years in this sport, my greatest opponent with this company has been Sting - so tonight, if we're going out, if we're going out on a high note, Stinger, the Nature Boy wants you right here, because - that's right - that's right - ya hear it, Sting? Sting, my greatest opponent - Sting, it's your last chance - your last chance to be... ''[crowd chants Sting]'' Sting, Sting, Sting, Sting, Sting, Sting - Sting! To be - the man, you've gotta beat the man, and Sting... I'M. THE. MAN. WOOOOOO! <hr width=50%/> :''[after a segment where Vince McMahon admonishes Michael Cole over his questions about WCW wrestlers' job security and his own job security, then toasting with Trish Stratus]'' :'''Tony Schiavone''': How do we all feel? :'''Scott Hudson''': How do we all feel about our own job security? :'''Schiavone''': Where does WCW go from here? What's in the cards? What's going to, what's going to happen, tonight on this telecast? :'''Hudson''': What is gonna happen? :'''Schiavone''': Is this it? I mean this is... Fans, we're reacting and we could only react to what you see as well, we don't know. :'''Hudson''': Mr McMahon has said there's gonna be a simulcast tonight. What's he gonna say? When's he gonna say it? :'''Schiavone''': ''[as the WCW World Tag Team Championship match begins]'' The wrestlers, the fans are concerned. The people who worked for WCW are concerned, who have sweat, bled for this company for years, we are all very concerned about the future of WCW, about the future of, well, right there our brand of wrestling. <hr width=50%/> :''[In a prerecorded video, DDP reflects on his WCW journey]'' :'''Diamond Dallas Page''': In the words of the Grateful Dead, what a long strange trip it's been, but I gotta tell you, I've loved every second of it, wouldn't trade it for nothing. And tonight, on this historic eve, I thought I needed to thank all the wrestling fans from around the world, for letting a kid from the Jersey Shore, Page Joseph Falkenberg, become Diamond Dallas Page. The guy they said would never make it but did. And that proves only one thing, if you want it bad enough and you're willing to work for it, anything's possible. It's not the promoters who decide who's over, it's the fans, so not just to thanks the fans in general, I want to specially thank, the WCW wrestling fans and my wife, Kimberly, for believing in me, and helping me live my dream. Is that dream over? I don't think so, I think now it's time to take it to another level. ''[to camera]'' Thank you. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the WCW Cruiserweight Tag Team Championship match begins, Tony Schiavone goes a bit off-script upon learning of William Regal talking to Vince McMahon over his purchase of WCW]'' :'''Tony Schiavone''': I don't want to sit here, and as a person who's been on Monday Nitro for many years, it hits you to hear anything that he once said... Mr McMahon, it's his money, he can do whatever he wants, I don't know what he's gonna do tonight, but let me say this: to sit here and listen to their Commissioner, rip WCW? :'''Scott Hudson''': Yes. :'''Schiavone''': Come on. I mean, we've had to do some crazy things, Steve Regal, including putting your ass over on TV! <hr width=50%/> :''[calling the match between Sting and Ric Flair]'' :'''Tony Schiavone''': ''[sees Sting Superplex Flair]'' Yes, he got it down. What's Sting gonna do now? ''[Scorpion Deathlock]'' Scorpion Deathlock!! He's got it on! :'''Scott Hudson''': Center of the ring! :'''Schiavone''': ''[Flair quits]'' It's over! It's over!! It's Sting! Sting wins! Sting defeats Ric Flair here on the final telecast of ''WCW Monday Nitro'' on TNT. And look at that, my god that he's gonna help him up. And the embrace, it's what we're all about. :'''Hudson''': Sting knows that Ric Flair made him at that Clash of the Champions. That's ultimate respect. :'''Schiavone''': It really is. :'''Hudson''': For two men, I have to say, that have huge fans of, they may be continue to be fans of professional wrestling. Thank you Steve Borden, thank you Ric Flair, for everything you've meant to this sport. :'''Schiavone''': It's an emotional rollercoaster for all of us fans. The uncertainty of our jobs, our future of what we love, what we breathe, and what we live. We don't just work for WCW, we lived WCW, and I know Flair is thinking that the fans would agree. == External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:TNT shows]] [[Category:American sports TV shows]] 1vd2tsbu7r4naa1hovhuxxw5ewlv8fb 0 146674 3158038 3156627 2022-08-26T00:55:00Z 49.145.109.160 /* Crazy Diamond is Unbreakable */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure|JoJo's Bizarre Adventure]]''''' (ジョジョの奇妙な冒険, JoJo no Kimyō na Bōken) is an ongoing manga series created by Araki Hirohiko. It has been adapted into [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure OVA|an OVA]], [[w:List of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure episodes|five anime parts]], and [[w:List of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure video games|several video games]]. It has also spawned light novels, most notably including ''Rohan at the [[w:Louvre|Louvre]]'' and ''Kishibe Rohan Meets [[w:Gucci|Gucci]]''. Running since 1986, it is currently on its 8th part, ''[[w:JoJolion|JoJolion]]'', with a 9th part in development. The anime currently has five seasons, covering the first six parts of the manga with ''Stone Ocean'' released worldwide on Netflix in December 2021 before its scheduled airing on Japanese television in January 2022. __NOTOC__ <!-- START TABLE OF CONTENTS --> {| class="wikitable" |- style="border-bottom: 3px solid darkgray" ! align=left bgcolor=#EEEEEE | [[#Part I.2C Phantom Blood|Phantom Blood]]: | align=center | [[#Dio the Invader .5B1.01.5D|Dio the Invader]] | align=center | [[#A Letter From the Past .5B1.02.5D|A Letter From the Past]] | align=center | [[#Youth With Dio .5B1.03.5D|Youth With Dio]] | align=center | [[#Overdrive .5B1.04.5D|Overdrive]] | align=center | [[#The Dark Knights .5B1.05.5D|The Dark Knights]] | align=center | [[#Tomorrow's Courage .5B1.06.5D|Tomorrow's Courage]] | align=center | [[#Successor .5B1.07.5D|Successor]] | align=center | [[#Bloody Battle.21 JoJo .26 Dio .5B1.08.5D|Bloody Battle! JoJo & Dio]] | align=center | [[#The Final Hamon.21 .5B1.09.5D|The Final Hamon!]] |- ! align=left bgcolor=#EEEEEE | [[#Part II.2C Battle Tendency|Battle Tendency]]: | align=center | [[#New York's JoJo .5B1.10.5D|New York's JoJo]] | align=center | [[#The Game Master .5B1.11.5D|The Game Master]] | align=center | [[#The Pillar Man .5B1.12.5D|The Pillar Man]] | align=center | [[#JoJo_vs._the_Ultimate_Lifeform_.5B1.13.5D|JoJo vs. the Ultimate Lifeform]] | align=center | [[#Ultimate Warriors from Ancient Times .5B1.14.5D|Ultimate Warriors from Ancient Times]] | align=center | [[#A Hero's Proof .5B1.15.5D|A Hero's Proof]] | align=center | [[#Lisa_Lisa.2C_Hamon_Coach_.5B1.16.5D|Lisa Lisa, Hamon Coach]] | align=center | [[#The Deeper Plan .5B1.17.5D|The Deeper Plan]] | align=center | [[#Von Stroheim's Revenge .5B1.18.5D|Von Stroheim's Revenge]] | align=center | [[#A Race Towards the Brink .5B1.19.5D|A Race Towards the Brink]] |- style="border-bottom: 3px solid darkgray" | | align=center | [[#Young Caesar .5B1.20.5D|Young Caesar]] | align=center | [[#A Hundred Against Two .5B1.21.5D|A Hundred Against Two]] | align=center | [[#A True Warrior .5B1.22.5D|A True Warrior]] | align=center | [[#The Warrior of Wind .5B1.23.5D|The Warrior of Wind]] | align=center | [[#The Ties That Bind JoJo .5B1.24.5D|The Ties That Bind JoJo]] | align=center | [[#The_Birth_of_a_Superbeing.21.21_.5B1.25.5D|The Birth of a Superbeing!!]] | align=center | [[#The Ascendant One .5B1.26.5D|The Ascendant One]] |- ! align=left bgcolor=#EEEEEE | [[#Part_III.2C_Stardust_Crusaders|Stardust Crusaders]]: | align=center | [[#A Man Possessed By an Evil Spirit .5B2.01.5D|A Man Possessed By an Evil Spirit]] | align=center | [[#Who_Shall_Judge.21.3F_.5B2.02.5D|Who Shall Judge!?]] | align=center | [[#DIO's Curse .5B2.03.5D|DIO's Curse]] | align=center | [[#Tower of Grey .5B2.04.5D|Tower of Grey]] | align=center | [[#Silver Chariot .5B2.05.5D|Silver Chariot]] | align=center | [[#Dark Blue Moon .5B2.06.5D|Dark Blue Moon]] | align=center | [[#Strength .5B2.07.5D|Strength]] | align=center | [[#The Devil .5B2.08.5D|The Devil]] | align=center | [[#Yellow Temperance .5B2.09.5D|Yellow Temperance]] | align=center | [[#The Emperor and the Hanged Man 5B2.10_-_2.11.5D|The Emperor and the Hanged Man]] |- | | align=center | [[#The Empress .5B2.12.5D|The Empress]] | align=center | [[#Wheel of Fortune .5B2.13.5D|Wheel of Fortune]] | align=center | [[#Justice 5B2.14_-_2.15.5D|Justice]] | align=center | [[#The Lovers 5B2.16_-_2.17.5D|The Lovers]] | align=center | [[#The Sun .5B2.18.5D|The Sun]] | align=center | [[#Death 13 5B2.19_-_2.20.5D|Death 13]] | align=center | [[#Judgement 5B2.21_-_2.22.5D|Judgement]] | align=center | [[#The High Priestess 5B2.23_-_2.24.5D|The High Priestess]] | align=center | [[#Iggy the Fool and Geb's N'Doul 5B2.25_-_2.26.5D|Iggy the Fool and Geb's N'Doul]] | align=center | [[#Khnum's Oingo and Tohth's Boingo .5B2.27.5D|Khnum's Oingo and Tohth's Boingo]] |- style="border-bottom: 3px solid darkgray" | | align=center | [[#Anubis 5B2.28_-_2.29.5D|Anubis]] | align=center | [[#Bastet's Mariah 5B2.30_-_2.31.5D|Bastet's Mariah]] | align=center | [[#Set's Alessi 5B2.32_-_2.33.5D|Set's Alessi]] | align=center | [[#D'Arby the Gambler 5B2.34_-_2.35.5D|D'Arby the Gambler]] | align=center | [[#Hol Horse and Boingo 5B2.36_-_2.37.5D|Hol Horse and Boingo]] | align=center | [[#The_Guardian_of_Hell.2C_Pet_Shop_.5B2.38_-_2.39.5D|The Guardian of Hell, Pet Shop]] | align=center | [[#D'Arby the Player 5B2.40_-_2.41.5D|D'Arby the Player]] | align=center | [[#The_Miasma_of_the_Void.2C_Vanilla_Ice_.5B2.42_-_2.44.5D|The Miasma of the Void, Vanilla Ice]] | align=center | [[#DIO's World 5B2.45_-_2.47.5D|DIO's World]] | align=center | [[#The Faraway Journey, Farewell Friends .5B2.048.5D|The Faraway Journey, Farewell Friends]] |- ! align=left bgcolor=#EEEEEE | [[#Part_IV.2C_Diamond is Unbreakable|Diamond is Unbreakable]]: | align=center | [[#Jotaro_Kujo.21_Meets_Josuke_Higashikata|Jotaro Kujo! Meets Josuke Higashikata]] | align=center | [[#Josuke_Higashikata.21_Meets_Angelo|Josuke Higashikata! Meets Angelo]] | align=center | [[#The Nijimura Brothers|The Nijimura Brothers]] | align=center | [[#Koichi_Hirose_.28Echoes.29|Koichi Hirose (Echoes)]] | align=center | [[#Toshikazu Hazamada .28Surface.29|Toshikazu Hazamada (Surface)]] | align=center | [[#Yukako Yamagishi Is In Love|Yukako Yamagishi Is In Love]] | align=center | [[#Let's Go Out for Italian|Let's Go Out for Italian]] | align=center | [[#Red Hot Chili Pepper|Red Hot Chili Pepper]] | align=center | [[#Picked Up Something Bad.21|Picked Up Something Bad!]] | align=center | [[#Let's Go Play at the Mangaka's House|Let's Go Play at the Mangaka's House]] |- | | align=center | [[#Let's Go 'Hunting'.21|Let's Go 'Hunting'!]] | align=center | [[#Rohan Kishibe's Adventure|Rohan Kishibe's Adventure]] | align=center | [[#'Shigechi's' Harvest|'Shigechi's' Harvest]] | align=center | [[#Yoshikage Kira Wants a Quiet Life|Yoshikage Kira Wants a Quiet Life]] | align=center | [[#Yukako Yamagishi's Vision of Cinderella|Yukako Yamagishi's Vision of Cinderella]] | align=center | [[#Sheer Heart Attack|Sheer Heart Attack]] | align=center | [[#Atom Heart Father|Atom Heart Father]] | align=center | [[#Yoshikage Kira's New Face|Yoshikage Kira's New Face]] | align=center | [[#Janken Boy is Coming.21|Janken Boy is Coming!]] | align=center | [[#I Am An Alien|I Am An Alien]] |- style="border-bottom: 3px solid darkgray" | | align=center | [[#Highway Star|Highway Star]] | align=center | [[#The Cat That Likes Yoshikage Kira|The Cat That Likes Yoshikage Kira]] | align=center | [[#The Man on the Tower|The Man on the Tower]] | align=center | [[#Enigma Boy|Enigma Boy]] | align=center | [[#My Dad Is Not My Dad.21|My Dad Is Not My Dad!]] | align=center | [[#Cheap Trick|Cheap Trick]] | align=center | [[#Another One Bites the Dust|Another One Bites the Dust]] | align=center | [[#The Invincible Crazy D|The Invincible Crazy D]] |- ! align=left bgcolor=#EEEEEE | [[#Part_V.2C_Vento Aureo|Vento Aureo]]: | align=center | [[#Gold Experience|Gold Experience]] | align=center | [[#Buccellati is Coming|Buccellati is Coming]] | align=center | [[#Meet the Gangster Behind the Wall|Meet the Gangster Behind the Wall]] | align=center | [[#Joining the Gang|Joining the Gang]] | align=center | [[#Find Polpo's Fortune|Find Polpo's Fortune]] | align=center | [[# Moody Jazz's Counterattack| Moody Jazz's Counterattack]] | align=center | [[#Six Bullets Appears|Six Bullets Appears]] | align=center | [[#The First Mission from the Boss|The First Mission from the Boss]] | align=center | [[#Hitman Team|Hitman Team]] | align=center | [[#Narancia's Li'l Bomber|Narancia's Li'l Bomber]] |- | | align=center | [[#The Second Mission from the Boss|The Second Mission from the Boss]] | align=center | [[#Man in the Mirror and Purple Haze|Man in the Mirror and Purple Haze]] | align=center | [[#Express Train to Florence|Express Train to Florence]] | align=center | [[#The Grateful Dead|The Grateful Dead]] | align=center | [[#Baby Face|Baby Face]] | align=center | [[#Head to Venice!|Head to Venice!]] | align=center | [[#White Album|White Album]] | align=center | [[#The Final Mission from the Boss|The Final Mission from the Boss]] | align=center | [[#The Mystery of King Crimson|The Mystery of King Crimson]] | align=center | [[#The 'G' in Guts|The 'G' in Guts]] |- style="border-bottom: 3px solid darkgray" | | align=center | [[#Clash and Talking Head|Clash and Talking Head]] | align=center | [[#Notorious B.I.G.|Notorious B.I.G.]] | align=center | [[#Spice Girl|Spice Girl]] | align=center | [[#A Little Story From The Past ~My Name Is Doppio~"|A Little Story From The Past ~My Name Is Doppio~"]] | align=center | [[#King Crimson vs. Metallica|King Crimson vs. Metallica]] | align=center | [[#Beneath a Sky on the Verge of Falling|Beneath a Sky on the Verge of Falling]] | align=center | [[#Get to the Roman Colosseum!|Get to the Roman Colosseum!]] | align=center | [[#.22Green_Day.22_and_.22Oasis.22|"Green Day" and "Oasis"]] | align=center | [[#His Name is Diavolo|His Name is Diavolo]] | align=center | [[#The Requiem Quietly Plays|The Requiem Quietly Plays]] |- | | align=center | [[#Diavolo Surfaces|Diavolo Surfaces]] | align=center | [[#King of Kings|King of Kings]] | align=center | [[#Gold Experience Requiem|Gold Experience Requiem]] | align=center | [[#The Sleeping Slave|The Sleeping Slave]] |- ! align=left bgcolor=#EEEEEE | [[#Part_VI.2C_Stone Ocean|Stone Ocean]]: | align=center | [[#Stone Ocean|Stone Ocean]] | align=center | [[#Stone Free|Stone Free]] | align=center | [[#The Visitor|The Visitor]] | align=center | [[#Prisoner of Love|Prisoner of Love]] | align=center | [[#Ermes’s Stickers|Ermes’s Stickers]] | align=center | [[#There's Six of Us.21|There's Six of Us!]] | align=center | [[#Foo Fighters|Foo Fighters]] | align=center | [[#Debt Collector Mary Lynn Manson|Debt Collector Mary Lynn Manson]] | align=center | [[#Operation Savage Guardian|Operation Savage Guardian]] | align=center | [[#Torrential Downpour Warning|Torrential Downpour Warning]] |- | | align=center | [[#Kiss_of_Love_.26_Revenge|Kiss of Love & Revenge]] | align=center | [[#The Secret of Guard Westwood|The Secret of Guard Westwood]] | align=center | [[#Burn Dragon's Dream|Burn Dragon's Dream]] | align=center | [[#Birth of the .22Green.22|Birth of the "Green"]] | align=center | [[#Here Comes Yo-Yo Ma.21|Here Comes Yo-Yo Ma!]] | align=center | [[#F.F. - The Witness|F.F. - The Witness]] | align=center | [[#Awaken|Awaken]] | align=center | [[#Whitesnake - The Pursuer|Whitesnake - The Pursuer]] | align=center | [[#Jail House Lock.21|Jail House Lock!]] | align=center | [[#Bohemian Rhapsody|Bohemian Rhapsody]] |- style="border-bottom: 3px solid darkgray" | | align=center | [[#Sky High.21|Sky High!]] | align=center | [[#Under World|Under World]] | align=center | [[#Heavy Weather|Heavy Weather]] | align=center | [[#The New Moon's Gravity|The New Moon's Gravity]] | align=center | [[#C-Moon|C-Moon]] | align=center | [[#Made In Heaven|Made In Heaven]] |- ! align=left bgcolor=#EEEEEE | [[#Part_VII.2C_Steel Ball Run|Steel Ball Run]]: | align=center | [[#Introduction|Introduction]] | align=center | [[#First Race|First Race]] | align=center | [[#Interim|Interim]] | align=center | [[#The Desert Born Outlaws|The Desert Born Outlaws]] | align=center | [[#The Devil's Palm|The Devil's Palm]] | align=center | [[#Gyro Zeppeli's Mission|Gyro Zeppeli's Mission]] | align=center | [[#The Terrorist from a Faraway Country|The Terrorist from a Faraway Country]] | align=center | [[#Tusk|Tusk]] | align=center | [[#Scary Monsters|Scary Monsters]] | align=center | [[#A Man's World|A Man's World]] |- | | align=center | [[#The Green Tomb|The Green Tomb]] | align=center | [[#Catch the Rainbow (On a Stormy Night...)|Catch the Rainbow (On a Stormy Night...)]] | align=center | [[#Silent Way|Silent Way]] | align=center | [[#The Land of Promises: Sugar Mountain|The Land of Promises: Sugar Mountain]] | align=center | [[#Tubular Bells|Tubular Bells]] | align=center | [[#Wrecking Ball|Wrecking Ball]] | align=center | [[#Civil War|Civil War]] | align=center | [[#Both Sides Now|Both Sides Now]] | align=center | [[#Chocolate Disco|Chocolate Disco]] | align=center | [[#D4C|D4C]] |- style="border-bottom: 3px solid darkgray" | | align=center | [[#Ticket to Ride|Ticket to Ride]] | align=center | [[#Ball Breaker|Ball Breaker]] | align=center | [[#Break My Heart, Break Your Heart|Break My Heart, Break Your Heart]] | align=center | [[#High Voltage|High Voltage]] | align=center | [[#The World of the Stars and Stripes|The World of the Stars and Stripes]] |- ! align=left bgcolor=#EEEEEE | [[#Part_VIII.2C_JoJolion|JoJolion]]: | align=center | [[#Welcome to Morioh Town|Welcome to Morioh Town]] | align=center | [[#His Name Is Josuke Higashikata|His Name Is Josuke Higashikata]] | align=center | [[#Their Family Tree|Their Family Tree]] | align=center | [[#The Lemon and the Tangerine|The Lemon and the Tangerine]] | align=center | [[#Morioh Town: 1901|Morioh Town: 1901]] | align=center | [[#Tsurugi Higashikata's Goal, and the Architect|Tsurugi Higashikata's Goal, and the Architect]] | align=center | [[#King Nothing|King Nothing]] | align=center | [[#Every Day Is a Summer Vacation|Every Day Is a Summer Vacation]] | align=center | [[#Eldest Son: Jobin Higashikata|Eldest Son: Jobin Higashikata]] | align=center | [[#Follow the Rokakaka Tree!|Follow the Rokakaka Tree!]] |- style="border-bottom: 3px solid darkgray" | | align=center | [[#The Twins Are Coming to Town|The Twins Are Coming to Town]] | align=center | [[#Hato's Boyfriend|Hato's Boyfriend]] | align=center | [[#Walking Heart|Walking Heart]] | align=center | [[#Dawn of the Higashikata Household|Dawn of the Higashikata Household]] | align=center | [[#Dolomite's Blue Lagoon|Dolomite's Blue Lagoon]] | align=center | [[#Mother and Child|Mother and Child]] | align=center | [[#Escape from Mount Hanarero|Escape from Mount Hanarero]] | align=center | [[#North of the Higashikata Household. The Orchard|North of the Higashikata Household. The Orchard]] | align=center | [[#Orthopedic Surgeon Dr. Wu Tomoki|Orthopedic Surgeon Dr. Wu Tomoki]] | align=center | [[#Please Come With Me. Doctor Wu|Please Come With Me. Doctor Wu]] |- style="border-bottom: 3px solid darkgray" | | align=center | [[#The Wonder of You|The Wonder of You]] | align=center | [[#TG University Hospital Head Doctor: Satoru Akefu|TG University Hospital Head Doctor: Satoru Akefu]] | align=center | [[#Whole Lotta Love|Whole Lotta Love]] | align=center | [[#Just Don't Move|Just Don't Move]] | align=center | [[#The Ultimate Dilemma|The Ultimate Dilemma]] | align=center | [[#Go Beyond|Go Beyond]] | align=center | [[#When All Curses Are Broken|When All Curses Are Broken]] |- style="border-bottom: 3px solid darkgray" | colspan=3 align=center bgcolor=#EEEEEE | [[#Rohan at the Louvre|Rohan at the Louvre]] | colspan=3 align=center bgcolor=#EEEEEE | [[#All Star Battle|All Star Battle]] | colspan=3 align=center bgcolor=#EEEEEE | [[#Catchphrases|Catchphrases]] |- | colspan=3 align=center bgcolor=#EEEEEE | [[#Cast|Cast]] | colspan=3 align=center bgcolor=#EEEEEE | [[#External links|External links]] | colspan=3 align=center bgcolor=#EEEEEE | [[#References|References]] |} <!-- END TABLE OF CONTENTS --> == Part I, [[w:Phantom Blood|Phantom Blood]] == === Dio the Invader [[w:JoJo's_Bizarre_Adventure_(season_1)|[1.01]]] === :'''Dario''': Listen, Dio. I am not long for this world. :'''[[w:Dio_Brando|Dio]]''': ... :'''Dario''': When I die (cough cough) you get yourself to the Joestar mansion along with this letter. The fool thinks he owes me. This is your ticket to greatness. It's your only chance, Dio. Go out there and take this useless world for all you can get. :(Later, at Dario's grave) :'''Dio''' (monologue): Devil that you were, you drove mother to an early grave. I'm glad you're dead; may you burn for your sins. The riches that eluded your grasp -- I will claim them in excess. You lacked the cunning to take what you wanted, but I'll prevail! (Outloud) Now burn! *spits on his father's grave* <hr width=50%/> : Bullies: Erina's a cry-baby! Erina's a cry-baby! Erina's a cry-baby! :'''Jonathan''': Give her back her doll! : Bully 1: Are you her friend? :'''Jonathan''': I've never met her in my life! :[Jonathan attacks, but is easily knocked down as the bully notices his handkerchief] : Bully 1: Now that I know you're some rich man's kid, I've only just started! :''[After Jonathan is beaten up by Erina's bullies, and Erina attempts to help him up.]'' :'''Jonathan''': ''Pant pant...'' Let me be! ''[Slaps Erina's hand away]'' Whatever you think, I did not do this for you! :'''Erina''': ! :'''Jonathan''': I wish to conduct myself as a gentleman! A true gentleman is brave and comes to the aid of those in need. Even if it's a fight he has no chance of winning, he joins the fray! One day, I will get strong enough to win. :[Jonathan walks off, learning his hankerchef behind for Erina to pick up.] :'''Erina''' (reading the name): Jonathan Joestar. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonathan''': You must be Dio. :'''Dio''': And you must be Jonathan, heir of the Joestars. :'''Jonathan''': That is Danny, my loyal and steadfast friend. Don't worry, Danny knows not to pounce on strangers. :[As Danny approaches, Dio kicks the Great Dane upside his head to Jonathan's horror] :'''Jonathan''': What was that for?! How dare you! :'''Dio''' (monologue): So this is the brat I must usurp. He wears his heart on his sleeve and is quick to anger....This pampered fool is nothing for the likes of Dio Brando! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dio''': (While grabbing Jonathan by his ear after knocking him over) Know this. I may be your guest in your home but I'm not one to be trifled with. In all things, I am number one! Look down upon me and you will regret it! : '''Jonathan''': But Dio, I want us to be friends- :'''Dio''': And another thing, I despise all mongrels. They don't scare me, I just can't stand them fawning over the unworthy. So keep your mangy mutt away from me, Joestar!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Dio''' (monologue, after beating Jonathan in a boxing match): Loneliness will devour a man from within. I'll reduce JoJo to a an empty husk. Bit by devious bit, I'll steal the life he was meant to have. By the time we're grown, there'll be nothing left of him! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dio''' (After forcefully kissing Erina on the lips): Tell me... Have you and JoJo kissed yet? I'll take that as a no. You thought your first kiss would be JoJo, but [http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/it-was-me-dio it was I, Dio]! (Monologue) I've killed their romance before it began. I'll deny JoJo the comfort of friendship AND love!! :[He then sees Erina washing her lips with a muddy puddle, infuriating him.] :'''Dio''': YOU UNGRATEFUL WENCH! HOW DARE YOU THINK MY KISS IS SOMETHING TO BE WASHED! (monologue) Hold yourself, you damnable fool. She's not worth it. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonathan''' (Storming into his home in rage): "DIIIIIOOOOOO!" :'''Dio''': "Hush, boy! You won't speak my name in vain again if you know what's good for you!" :'''Jonathan''': "We end this now! I won't let you sully an innocent maiden's honor! Your fight with me, damn it!" :'''Dio''': Upset about Erina? That she shared her favors with me. And now you intend to give me a proper thrashing for my impudence." :'''Jonathan''': [charging Dio] "This time, Dio, YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR!!" :'''Dio''': You may be right, but you're the one who will PAY! [knocks the wind of out Jonathan] Looking to repeat your performance from our boxing match, be my guest! [Overpowers Jonathan before knocking him into the wall.] :'''Jonathan''' (monologue): "I can't beat him. But if I lose now, I'll spend the rest of my life cowering in Dio's shadow. Most of all, I have to fight for Erina's honor.. She needs a champion!" : [Dio throws his shirt as he is about to finish the fight.] :'''Dio''' (monologue): "Time to put an end to this little pissing match. I'll beat him here in his own home. Once and for all, he'll know his proper place in this world is under my heel! He'll see that it's useless to try and defeat me! I shall be master, now and always!" : [Jonathan attempts to charge at Dio] :'''Dio''': "Come on!" : [Dio kicks Jonathan in the face.] :'''Dio''' (monologue): "Perfect! Right in the face!" : [However, Jonathan grabs Dio's head to counter.] :'''Dio''': "How are you able to grab me after such a blow to the head?! Perhaps I was too gentle with you!" :[Dio suddenly finds himself getting pummeled on by Jonathan] :'''Jonathan''' (pummeling Dio): DIOOO! I'm going to beat you until you cry like a baby, Dio! :'''Dio''' (monologue): "Impossible! Impossible! How could a pampered brat like him best me in a fight?" :'''Dio''': Y--- You… How--- How dare you…?! Bastard! How dare you strike me?! :'''Jonathan''': Dio’s crying. :'''Dio''': I’ll make you regret that, you filthy cur! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dio''' (monologue): "Once I learned to control my temper, I will be invincible to even the likes of him." === A Letter From the Past [[w:JoJo's_Bizarre_Adventure_(season_1)|[1.02]]] === :'''[[w:Dio_Brando|Dio]]''' (monologue): For seven years, I have to make nice with that buffoon. But now that I am of age, it is time for my plan to reach its fruition. At long last, the Joestar fortune will be mine. And Devil take anyone who tries to stop me. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dio''' (forced to swear on Dario's name that he was not poisoning George): How can I swear...on the honor of the man who had none...? HE DESERVED TO DIE! HOW'S THAT FOR THE TRUTH, JOJO?! :'''Jonathan''': (blocks Dio's punch) You gave me all the proof I need. I know not what compelled you to murder Dario, but murdered him you did. (blocks an attempted thumb-jab to the eye) You'll hurt father never again! (flings Dio over the stairs) :'''Dio''': Damn your eyes... <hr width=50%/> :'''Robert E. O. Speedwagon''': You do the honors, Tattoo. :'''Tattoo''': Right! :'''Robert E. O. Speedwagon''': Use that shiv of yours to slice him open! I want his guts for garters! :'''Jonathan''': Ogre Street is aptly named. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tattoo'''(to Jojo after he grabbed his knife): Check out this idiot! He grabbed by blade! In all my days, I've never seen the like! Stuck, ain't ya? One quick yank and you'll be picking your fingers out of the snow for a fortnight. :'''Jonathan''': Try it, then! The moment you pull, my foot will kick out at your groin with all the force of a sledgehammer! I'm willing to see our transaction through. Are you, sirrah? <hr width=50%/> :'''Robert E. O. Speedwagon''': If you're lookin' to lose body parts, do stick around! Observe! (Reveals the blades on his bowler hat) I'll mince ya right finely, with a tip of the hat. And now we dance! <hr width=50%/> :'''Robert E. O. Speedwagon''': I took the lad for an easy mark. Guess I've been right disabused of that notion! <hr width=50%/> :'''Robert E. O. Speedwagon''': I wanna know the name of him who spared me. :'''Jonathan''': Jonathan Joestar. <hr width=50%/> : Drunkard 2 (takes out a knife after seeing his friend get hurt by Dio): Just for that, I'm gonna cut you! : '''Dio''' (to drunkard): Ohh. Your threat has been quaking in my boots, you old guttersnipe. How will I escape this mortal peril? How about I use this? (Takes out the mask.) It's for JoJo. But you'll make a nice guinea pig. : Drunkard 2: Just die already! :[Dio plants the mask on the drunkard, using his knife to slit the first drunkard's throat. The mask activates, but ends anti-climatically.] : '''Dio''': You've disappointed me, mask. :[Dio is about to leave when the a now-vampirized drunkard attacks him, grabbing Dio by the throat while sucking the blood out of him.] : Drunkard 2: It's odd. I've been drinking through the night, but suddenly I've got such a brutal thirst. : '''Dio''' (monolongue while screaming in pain): So this is the power of the Stone Mask?...I have such plans. Must the last thing I see on this world be this damnable sunrise!? :[The vampirized drunkard is reduced to dust to Dio's shock.] === Youth With Dio [[w:JoJo's_Bizarre_Adventure_(season_1)|[1.03]]] === :'''Speedwagon''' (to Dio): Right about now, you're probably wondering who I am. Allow me to elucidate ya! The name is Robert E. O. Speedwagon! I had a hunch Jonathan's run of trouble might not be done, so I followed him back home. I like you, Jonathan, so I'm gonna offer up this little tidbit pro bono: living in the gutter, you learn to spot lowlifes pretty quick if you want to see tomorrow. I've trained my nose to sort out the bad ones from the good just from a sniff. This fellow reeks of brimstone and blood worse than anyone I've ever laid eyes on! :[Speedwagon kicks a candle which Dio instinctively dodges] :'''Speedwagon''': He is PURE EVIL, right down to his very bones! Is he a victim of circumstance, you're wondering? Not on your life! He's been evil since he drew his first breath! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Dio_Brando|Dio]]'''ː JoJo, it was hubris that led me to this ignominious end. This fall from grace has taught me a valuable lesson. However one may scheme or assemble, my downfall this night is part of the human condition... A condition that I now forsake. :'''Jonathan''': Wait, forsake? What do you mean? :'''Dio''': You see, I am about to become so much more! ''[Brandishes the Stone Mask] Help me shed this mortal skin! :'''Jonathan''': Mother's mask! :'''Dio''': JoJo! Your blood is the key! : [George intercepts the stab wound.] :'''Speedwagon''': Oh my god! :'''Jonathan''': FATHER! :[Dio laughs as he puts on the mask while activating it with George's blood while being gunned down by the constables.] <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonathan''': Father, hang on. The Doctor's on his way. : '''George Joestar:''' JoJo...don't hate Dio for what he's done. I am to blame for this. I was hard on you because you're a Joestar. I went too easy on Dio and he might have felt I didn't care. Perhaps he did this for want of a father's love. Please... See that he's buried...next to Dario... :'''Jonathan''': Father... : '''George Joestar:''' Don't look so sad, JoJo... Where better to die...than in the arms...of my...son...? : '''Constables:''' Sir Joestar! : '''Head Constable:''' We lost much this night. A noble man's soul...has been taken from the world. :'''Speedwagon''': You're wrong! All that was good in that man, he passed it along to Jonathan, every bit of it! You can be sure JoJo's gonna live an upright life, using what his father gave him. Rich folks are rubbish. Watching 'em flounce around, I wanna throw the whole lot of them into the Thames! But not the Joestars. They're heroic and merciful and, just...the whole damn lot of them are giants among men! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dio''' (After getting shot in the head by Speedwagon): JoJo, I should thank you for the source of my newfound power! Your father's blood...and the ancient stone mask! WRRRYY... :'''Jonathan''' (watching Dio kill a constable): He takes his very life, but how is that possible! Dio, you villain, what sort of monster have you become?ǃ :[Dio tosses the constable at the others, killing them instantly while knocking Speedwagon down] :'''Speedwagon''': UWHOOAH?ǃ :'''Jonathan''': [http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/even-speedwagon-is-afraid ''Even Speedwagon is afraid!''] <ref>''Phantom Blood 01, Youth with Dio <small>Part 2</small>'', p. 36</ref> <hr width=50%/> :'''Dio''' (looking for Jonathan, seeing the blood flowing from a curtain): You were a fool to attack me. I have disowned my weakness in favor of life everlasting! You're behind the curtain like Polonius. And like Polonius, it is there that you shall meet your end! (Pulls the curtain, only to be set on fire.) :'''Jonathan''': No one's immortal! Not even you! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonathan''': Know this, it ends here! You will not leave this place alive! :'''Speedwagon''': No! That's lunacy- (Gets backed out of the manor by a backdraft.) :'''Dio Brando''' (walking up the wall after Jonathan): Luring me away from the gutter rat? How very noble of you. No matter. I'll drain you dry, and your blood will help me amend from this little adventure. You climb the wall in vain, JoJo. In your haste to flee from me, all you had done is guarantee your doom. You will be consumed tonight, by the inferno below or by me. : '''Jonathan''' (thought): Father...Rest in peace. Let the smoke guide your soul to heaven. But first, please lend me your strength one final time. Let the fire burn around you. <hr width=50%/> :''[During the fight between Dio and Jonathan in the burning mansion, while Jonathan is clinging to Dio.]'' :'''[[w:Dio_Brando|Dio]]''': Die for nothing, fool! :''[Dio kicks Jonathan away; Jonathan screams as he begins to fall into the flames.]'' :'''[[w:Dio_Brando|Dio]]''' All I lose is the sacrifice of your blood I would've taken. Blacken and burn among the bones of your damnable father, Jojo! I am a god in all but name! With the powers at my command, I will rule this world! Thank you, brother, for this great boon! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dio Brando''' (Thought) I crushed his arm bones to splinters and he's already ablaze, but his grip on me is still that of a vice! (Out loud) So be it JoJo! Consign us onto the flame! But, perish knowing that I will survive this moment! For everything you have done, even this inferno cannot devour me!! : '''Jonathan''': FATHEEEEEER! LEND ME YOUR POWER! :[Through luck, Jonathan managed to propel himself out of his burning home while impaling Dio on the statue of Venus as he is horrifically burned alive.] :'''[[w:Dio_Brando|Dio]]''': AAAAHHHHHHH!!! (monologue) HOW COULD A WORM LIKE YOU-!? I-I forgot who I was dealing with! Bloody his nose, and he comes back twice as fierce! (out loud) JOJO!! (monologue) I have such plans for this world!! Such...plans!! === Overdrive [[w:JoJo's_Bizarre_Adventure_(season_1)|[1.04]]] === :'''Speedwagon''': Jonathan won his fight against that fiend...But he lost a lot. Poor sod. He's been in hospital for three days now... Losing his father and home, he's completely alone in the world now! I want to give him a reason to live! Don't give up on the world, JoJo!... <hr width=50%/> :'''Speedwagon''': Spirit! That's what he needs, and I am to give it to him! <hr width=50%/> :'''Speedwagon''': It's late at night, but there's a lamp coming from his room. (Looks inside) This is- That woman... I'm surprised a nurse would stay with him so late! Her hands are bruised! She's soothed his burns with ice water hundreds, no, thousands of times! : (Jonathan wakes up.) :'''Erina''': Thank goodness... :'''Speedwagon''': He's conscious! :'''Erina''': The worst is over. You'll be okay now. :'''Jonathan''': Have you... Been taking care of me this whole time? You... I can't believe you're here! I remember... No, you can't be... That's impossible... You look like a girl I used to know... : Nurse: Her name wouldn't be by chance Erina Pendleton, would it? It has been a long time, Jonathan Joestar.... JoJo. : '''Jonathan''': Erina! You've grown! : '''Erina''': Me? Not as much as you. But... (gets teary) It really has been so long... : [Speedwagon takes his leave] :'''Speedwagon''': She makes a better Florence Nightingale than I do, anyhow. You rest up, JoJo. Speedwagon withdraws coolly. <hr width=50%/> : '''Jack the Ripper''' (killing a harlot he lured to murder): Shoulda made an early night about it, harlot! Big mistake! : '''Dio''': Most men's hearts are restrained by mortal, recoiling in fear from the fabulous fruits of evil. But some do not constrain themselves to the mortality and its tyranny. They are the Vanguard. Serve me, Jack the Ripper. Submit yourself to me, and I shall give powers beyond your belief. I ask for only one thing in return. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonathan''': He's been watching us for a while now. :'''Erina''': Is something wrong? :'''Jonathan''': Oh, noth— :'''Will Zeppeli''': Signor Joestar, I presume? And the lass by your side must be Signora Erina Pendleton. :'''Jonathan''': Who are you!? :'''Will Zeppeli''': You survived the Stone Mask! Not many can claim that! : [He hits Jonathan in the stomach, causing him to kneel over.] :'''Erina''': JoJo! :'''Will Zeppeli''': That's it... Breathe out every last ounce of air in your lungs! :'''Erina''': Why? He was wounded already, you cad! :stranger: I knocked the wind out of him, but he'll thank me for it. :'''Jonathan''' (while his body full heals): What!? What's happening to my body!? My arm! :'''Will Zeppeli''': Baron Zeppeli, at your service. Courage alone will not defeat the stone mask. :'''Jonathan''': The compound fracture in my arm... it barely hurts anymore! I can even lift this heavy rock! :'''Erina''': I can't believe it! :'''Jonathan''': What did you do!? Who... No, what are you!? :'''Will Zeppeli''': One question at a time, JoJo. It's nothing I did. Your breath quelled your pain on its own. Achoo! :'''Jonathan''': Why did you do this!? How do you even know my- (Zepelli is no where to be seen) He's gone. :'''Will Zeppeli''': What part of "one question at a time" eluded you? Follow me, amigo, and I shall show you. But know this, what you are about to see will change your destiny forever! <hr width=50%/> : '''Dio''' (killing a girl for her blood): With each meal, a bit of my strength returns... What a simple thing, the food chain. As pigs feed on grass, so does man feed upon them. And I, at the top of it all, feed upon the humans. They exist to serve me and quell my thirst. (crushes the dead woman's skull) Go, Jack, it’s supper time. :(The zombified Jack eats the girl's corpse) : '''Dio''': Now to swell the ranks of my diabolical army and send it hence. I will stand astride this world! Humanity will kneel at Dio Brando’s feet! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonathan''': Why did we stop? :'''Speedwagon''': Oi, mate! Hurry it up! :'''Jonathan''': Keep an eye out! Sunlight can't protect us in here! :'''Speedwagon''': Well? What's wrong? : [Speedwagon screams seeing the cabman dead with a severed horse head on his shoulders.] :'''Jonathan''': Is it Dio? It has to be him. :'''Will Zeppeli''': Listen, both of you. Step away from the horses. :[Jack emerges from the body of one of the headless horses] :'''Speedwagon''': What in the blue hell?! That crazy blighter's inside a horse! Good God! This one's mad as a hatter! Dio's evil, yeah, but I ain't seen him jump out of any animal so far! :'''Jonathan''': He must be gathering minions, and who knows how many he might have! :'''Will Zeppeli''': Stand aside, my young friends. I'll do the fighting. He is a zombie. They must feed on living flesh to survive. However, they are in constant thrall to their master, not unlike marionettes. :'''Jack the Ripper''': Oh, you lads is both as white as a sheet. All the blood is drained from your faces. Maybe I should cut off those useless heads of yours, and watch it spray out of you necks? (stabs a knife into his face) Now, you milted corpses-to-be, prepare for the carnage! :'''Will Zeppeli''': Tell me, what's his next move? You must think as he does. JoJo, this strategy will serve you in good stead. Ask yourself, what would be the most advantageous thing for my foe to do next? Him, for example. If he blocks off the tunnel's entrance, we can't retreat into the sunlight! : (Jack grabs the carriage) :'''Will Zeppeli''': Just as I predicted, he's blocked our retreat! :'''Jonathan''': Speedwagon, jump! :[Jack forces knives out from his body.] :'''Jonathan''': Knives are coming out of him! :'''Speedwagon''': Baron Zeppeli, you didn't say nothin' about fighting a pincushion! :'''Will Zeppeli''': Hamon Cutter! I'm afraid your blades are rather dull compared by Hamon Cutter. <hr width=50%/> :'''Will Zeppeli''': JoJo, this creature illustrates a principle. Imagine a miniscule flea, so small that it’s barely visible. Why is it they bite humans who tower over them without a single thought to their own safety? Would you call their behavior “courageous”? Of course not, it’s hunger compelling them. :[Jack charges Zepelli] :'''Will Zeppeli''': I will tell you what courage is, JoJo! Courage is to look your fear in the eye and know that it has no dominion over you! Fear scatters your breathing. When you toss your fear into the dust, breathing is the sword ever at your hip! Breathe with courage and you will never want for Hamon. Bravery is our birthright, lads! And for all the abilities they may bring into a battle, courage is something a zombie relinquished when he took this form! THEY’RE NO BETTER THAN FLEAS! SENDO WAVE KIIIIIIICK!!! :[Damages Jack's face] :'''Will Zeppeli''': A knee to the face seems to made our friend here lose his braggadocio. <hr width=50%/> :'''Will Zeppeli''': JoJo, you can finish him off. Destroy the brain, It's the only way. Anything else and risk him coming back again. :'''Jack the Ripper''': Time for the slaughter, you naughty pigs! (pulls a lever, that opens a secret passage that he escapes into) I'll cut you all one by one! <hr width=50%/> :'''Will Zeppeli''': I leave you this clue, "There were no Vikings in the land of Norway until the North Wind came and created." If you as so much spill a drop of viento....I do not care how well you utterly defeat him, I will abandon you here and now! :'''Speedwagon''': Oi! Have you lost your mind!? :'''Will Zeppeli''': I know what I'm doing! :'''Jonathan''': I understand. I will be like Vikings and brave this hardship. <hr width=50%/> :'''Will Zeppeli''': The harsh wind blowing down over the Arctic Ocean birthed the fearsome Vikings. Only when we are tossed headlong into the crucible of adversity do we rise to the challenge. What will a glass of vino create this night? If he should fail, Dio has already won. <hr width=50%/> : '''Jonathan''': I found you, zombie! Stone wall will not protect you! SENDO HAMON...OVERDRIVE! (channels his Hamon through the wall) :'''Jack the Ripper''': Turn the corner so I can feast on you! (Gets hit by Hamon, knocking him back as his body dissolves) : '''Zeppeli''': It seems you've passed the test with flying colors, JoJo. Boreas has fathered another Viking! === The Dark Knights [[w:JoJo's_Bizarre_Adventure_(season_1)|[1.05]]] === :'''Jonathan''': What happened?! :'''Zeppeli''': Uh, well, Speedwagon has been begging me to share in your power. I meant to help him create just a little bit of Hamon as I did that first day with you. It seems I was too rough. Did my finger slip? Un migliaio di scuse (''A thousand excuses''), my dear Speedwagon. :'''Speedwagon''' (groaning): In English, please <hr width=50%/> :''[Chasing after Poco.]'' :'''Zeppeli''': That sounded wonderful, JoJo. I see you've learned the Overdrive well. :'''Jonathan''': So I should stand here, right? :'''Zeppeli''': No, try two paces to the left. Two pounds say I'm right. : '''Poco''': Huh? What just shocked me!? :[The boy is grabbed by Jonathan] : '''Zeppeli''': Molto benio : '''Poco''': Huh? What? Who are you? :'''Jonathan''': Something's wrong with this boy. Did I overdo it with my Hamon? :'''Zeppeli''': No, It's not just him. Look around us. :'''Jonathan''': This is- :'''Speedwagon''': A graveyard! : [Zombies grab their legs] :'''Zeppeli''': Seems like we're the "nice catch" here. The boy must have been hypnotized. :'''Speedwagon''': Jonathan! It's him! :'''Dio''': The sun has set... You will not live to see another! <hr width=50%/> :'''Speedwagon''': I’ve been trying to steel my spine leading up to this little tete-a-tete, but it’s like the Grim Reaper’s breathing down me neck! I’m all a-sweat! How am I supposed to find my courage when my monster’s staring right at us, huh?! Sir Joestar loved him, and all he got for his troubles was death! Listen, you! You are gonna pay for it! :'''Zeppeli''' So this is Dio Brando. He and the zombies can't attack us while we stand in the sunlight...But in a field of darkness and carrion, he sees us as easy pickings. A man of such guile cannot have the stone mask! He must be perished from the world at all costs! <hr width=50%/> :'''Zeppeli''' You must be Dio Brando. Jonathan and Speedwagon told me about you. To the mask you have in your possession, I say this...I will break you! : '''Dio''': WRYYYYY! :'''Zeppeli''': Hey, bambino! Do you really want to fight on such uneven footing? Get down here! :'''Dio''': Insect, who do you think you are? I am the pinnacle of all creation... To mere men, I am but a god to them... Do you believe I would lower myself to match a mere man? (projects his hatred as a shockwave that nearly knocks Zepelli off his feet) :'''Zeppeli''' I was nearly knocked down with a burst of pure hate. Already this Dio has the presence of tyrant! :'''Dio'''(showing off the last of his injuries): The injuries from my battle with JoJo are gone, save for this! Come, charlatan, and relinquish your blood to remove this last imperfection. :'''Zeppeli''': Tell me...To undo your injuries, how many innocent lives did you consume? :'''Dio''': I do not know. How many loaves of bread have you eaten in your lifetime? :'''Zeppeli''': !! :'''Jonathan''': DIO!!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dio''': You should save your breath. You're going to need it for all the screaming I have in store for you! Tarukus! Bruford! Arise and fight at my command! Make their screams resound as testament to my power! :[The two knights arrive] : '''Speedwagon''': Where did are they come from!? :'''Jonathan''': Hide, Poco! <hr width=50%/> :'''Speedwagon''': I can read people like a book, and these two are full of stories Speedwagon don't wanna hear, thank you kindly! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dio''': They are knights, casualties of Queen Elizabeth's machinations against Mary, Queen of Scots, in the 15th Century. I leave them to you. Dispose of these vermin, in whichever way you will! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tarukus''': Elizabeth, you serpent! You took us for fools and murdered Mary anyways! :'''Bruford''': I may die this day, but my hatred for you and your wretched family shall linger forever. :Knights: Curses on you, queen! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dio''': Their story of betrayal touched a nerve. From the earth, I've brought them life anew! I life they are mighty, now they are invincible! :'''Tarukus''': Ureeyyy... We have sworn fealty to Dio... :'''Bruford''': We will laid waste this world! It is beyond redemption! :'''Speedwagon''': The hatred they bore when they died had 300 years to ferment! Dio turned their knighthood into monsters! Have your wits about you, JoJo <hr width=50%/> :'''Bruford''': This whelp is a champion of his time. He will make good practice in the art of war. : Zombie: This is one's flesh is mine! Oh yes! I already taste his cartilage! :'''Jonathan''': Another Zombie?! :'''Bruford''': He is our prey! Be away with you, you glutton! (knocks the zombie away) :'''Jonathan''': (thought) He moves at infernal speed! :'''Bruford''': Milord Dio! This whelp's courage intrigues me! Allow me to face him in solo combat and strike him down! :'''Dio''': Do as you like. <hr width=50%/> :[After Bruford and Jonathan hit the water, with Tarukus keeping Speedwagon and Zeppeli from interfering.] :'''Dio''': (Thought) Jonathan is good as dead. He cannot match Bruford underwater. (Outloud) I shall go. There is no reason for me to remain! I shall turn this sleepy village into a necropolis. The zombies I'll create will devour England like a plague, and then the world! === Tomorrow's Courage [[w:JoJo's_Bizarre_Adventure_(season_1)|[1.06]]] === :''[During the fight with the Dark Knight Bruford]'' :'''Bruford''': This is itǃǃ The coup de gras -- I shall slice off your head and bathe myself in your life-giving blood! :'''Jonathan''': ... :'''Speedwagon''': MISTER JOESTAAAARǃǃ :'''Zeppeli''': What?! :''[Bruford swings his sword at Jonathan.]'' :'''Jonathan''': I THINK NOT!ǃ HWAAAHHǃ :''[Jonathan stops Bruford's sword with his foot.]'' :'''Jonathan''': Water's not the only thing that conducts Hamonǃ '''METAL SILVER OVERDRIVEǃǃ''' :''[Disarms Bruford] :'''Zeppeli''': Amazing! He channeled Hamon through Bruford's sword and hoist his pinard! :'''Jonathan:''' How my heart resonates! I'm pulsing with heat and life! My very blood is a symphony within me! '''SUNLIGHT YELLOW OVERDRIVE!"'''<ref>''Phantom Blood 03, Tarkus and the Dark Knight Bruford <small>Part 4</small>'', p. 37-41</ref> <hr width=50%/> :'''Speedwagon''': He did it! 'Bout time we heard the crackle of Hamon! :'''Jonathan:''' (Monolongue) Bruford...For a moment, I felt something a miss. His past only complicates his current state. Take heart, JoJo. That man is no longer here. He's a zombie who intends to spread his evil! You must be the one to stop him! :'''Bruford''': I am the Black Knight Bruford! It will take more than pain to stop me! :'''Jonathan:''': A moment ago, you said this pain was nothing. That means… pain is something you can feel again. :'''Zeppeli''': The flowers, they’re blooming all around him. Even now, the Hamon ravages the evil that animates Bruford’s long dead corpse. You see, the long-forgotten pain came back. Only humans know that sort of ache. Observe, my dear Speedwagon. His zombie body succumbs to the Hamon, but his noble soul is redeemed in the process. :'''Bruford''': I have now reached a bizarre peace. I no longer resent this world... How ironic that I granted life anew, only to be struck down with gratitude to the one who fell me a second time... And now I shall return to my true master...I would like to know the name of he who bested me. Would you do me that honor? :'''Jonathan''': Jonathan Joestar. :'''Bruford''': Sir Jonathan... I leave you this sword, given to me by my precious Queen, and the word engraved upon it: luck. [Bruford uses his blood to add a 'P' to the beginning of the word 'luck' engraved onto his sword.] But first, let me affix my own benediction: pluck. :[Bruford dies.] :'''Jonathan''': Sir Bruford! <ref>''Phantom Blood 03, Sleep as a Hero'', p. 52-53</ref> <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonathan''': Rest in peace, Bruford. You've earned it. Such irony! Such a bizarre fate! Why did I have to kill him to save his soul!? Even sent to his death cursing the world, he had such pride! He had such a noble heart! But he had no say in being dragged back by Dio, and the power of the stone mask! I shall them both to Hell before the dawn breaks! :'''Speedwagon''': JoJo! Behind you! :'''Jonathan''': Tarukus! :[Taruku smashes Burford's armor] :'''Jonathan''': You villain! That was the armor of a steadfast friend and comrade! He died with honor and dignity! :'''Tarukus''': HE DIED LIKE A SPINELESS DOG! He was too clever by half, liked winning his fights by thinking. I just hit ‘em until they fall to pieces! What use have I got for clever? I carry a sword as tall as a man! None of you will get an easy death! UYYYURRY! <hr width=50%/> :'''Speedwagon:''' Tarukus rammed straight into the wall! :'''Zeppeli''': Thank your stars he did. Unlike their master, Dio's minions are not able to regenerate! He will not bother us! :[He sees Tarukus still alive and moving] :'''Zeppeli''': He's nothing more than bloodlust given flesh! Even with his bones smashed to smithereens... He keeps climbing! Our goal is to defeat Dio, but we cannot with Tarukus dogging us like this. He must be dealt with, here and now! JoJo, it's perilous! Take the lad there within! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tarukus''': It's been so long... Three centuries since my last deathmatch in the Lair of the Two-Headed Dragon...I've killed 48 men in here! Killing's an art, and I'm a master! <hr width=50%/> :Poco's Sister: Poco. You letting them beat you up again, weren't you? When are you going to stand up for yourself? :'''Poco''': I...bloodied their noses! :Poco's Sister: When? Tomorrow? A year? :'''Poco''': I don't know... :Poco's Sister: Poco, what frightens you more than anything else? :[Poco gets slapped in the face.] :Poco's Sister: I know that hurt, but you’re still in one piece. Pain’s not the worse thing. There’s something far worse. It’s growing up being too afraid to do anything. What kind of a life would that be? :'''Poco''': I... sorry, sis! :Poco's Sister: There, there, Poco. Let's go home and get your clothes cleaned up. <hr width=50%/> :'''Poco''': (Thought while crawling through a window) Those monsters said they'll attack the village. If that JoJo guy dies, no one will be able to stop them! What if they hurt Sis? I have to protect her no matter what! (Outloud as he gets inside) Sis! I'm standing up to them now! :'''Jonathan''': Stay back! He'll kill you! :'''Tarukus''': Uyyyurry! Stay out of this fight you brat! :[Knocks Poco to a wall after Jonathan pulled him back.] :'''Poco''': That hurt a lot... But I'm still in one piece... (pulls the lever, letting Speedwagon and Zeppeli in) I did good, right? :'''Speedwagon''': You did well, Poco. Go get him, Zeppeli! Show the bastard what for! === Successor [[w:JoJo's_Bizarre_Adventure_(season_1)|[1.07]]] === :'''Zeppeli''': JoJo, here I come! To free a lion and release him into the future of his destiny. <hr width=50%/> :(Tarukus seemingly kills Jonathan and Zeppeli with his Heaven-Hell Snake attack.) :'''Tarukus''': Lord Dio, it is done. They are dead. :'''Speedwagon''': This brutal savagery is unbelievable! :'''Tarukus''' (Notices Jonathan still alive): With a broken neck, and you have the poor taste to be alive? (He is irate to see Zepelli also alive as he grabs Jonathan's hand.) :'''Zeppeli''': Freely...Freely...Freely I give you this. My ultimate technique. ULTIMATE DEEP PASS OVERDRIVE! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonathan''' (to Tarukus): Twisted by madness. No human feeling. Your soul's redemption has been forfeit when you chose to follow Dio, Tarukus! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tarukus''': Enough of your blather; you talk too much! :'''Jonathan''': You have to do better than that! <hr width=50%/> :'''Zeppeli''': It seems to me that in you, I have found both a best friend and a new family. JoJo... through you... I will live on forever... My son... JoJo... :'''Jonathan''': Farewell, my friend. === Bloody Battle! JoJo & Dio [[w:JoJo's_Bizarre_Adventure_(season_1)|[1.08]]] === :'''Dio''': Consider this rose. Like you, it's in full bloom. But then think of what will become of it, mademoiselle. Once a flower has bloomed, it begins wither. Isn't it such a pity? :Zombie Pet: Sixteen-years old. So young, so innocent, so full of life-giving energy. Heh-Heh-Heh-Huh? :'''Dio''': (After killing the pet) Those with bad manners are not fit to exist. Well, mademoiselle? Will you give me your decision? Wouldn't you like to enjoy eternal youth? I do not force your friendship like others. Your life is your own, and your fate of your own making. : Poco's Sister: You fiend... :'''Dio''': Come again? (slapped) : Poco's Sister: You wear the flesh, but you're no man! Devil, go away! :'''Dio''': Ah, such a pity that we part so soon then. Though your meeting will be brief, allow me to introduce you to my companion. I present onto you Doobie. Perhaps he will be more to your liking. Au revoir, mademoiselle! :[Dolby is about to attack when he is hit by an anvil.] :'''Dolby''': OW. Who threw this at me head!? Who's there!? :'''Jonathan''': Doesn't matter, does it? You are a zombie! Your kind have no right to introductions! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonathan''': Guess you came back from his time in Hell, Dio. :'''Dio''': Oh, JoJo, you're alive? Then am to assume that you defeated my two knights, then. :Zombie bodyguard 1: Dio! Give the word, and he'll be pile of flesh! :Zombie bodyguard 2: Let my fangs make an impression on him! :'''Jonathan''': Dio! :'''Dio''': No. He is mine! Know this JoJo, I find no pleasure in finishing you myself. We grew up together in the same house, so the thought of turning you into a undead thing is unsatisfying. That's why I sent my two knights to kill you. But it seems I've indulged you. As emperor, I must not show weakness of any kind. Therefore, I shall slaughter you without hesitation! :'''Jonathan''': I agree! I will feel no guilt over killing you! :'''Dio''': But one question. Whatever happened to that mustached charlatan who was with you? Where'd he gone off to? :'''Jonathan''': Dio, it shames me as a gentleman to say this, but I cannot hold back these feelings. I, Jonathan Joestar, hate you with every fiber of my being! Vengeance consumes me now! I swear I will kill you! :'''Dio''': Then come, JoJo! :'''Jonathan''': Dire! :'''Die''': JoJo, stand back. I have prior claim to avenge. Zeppeli was a dear friend of mine for over two decades. Dio! For taking his life, I will sent you to the bowels of Hell! :'''Dio''': Fascinating. Within years, humans can train themselves to float in midair...But in one night, I have surpassed even a guru! Wryyyyy! Do you think you can defeat me with such lethargic movements? :'''Dire''': I've caught you, fool! Thunder Cross Split Attack! : (Dire attempts his attack. However...) :'''Dio''': Useless, Useless, useless! :'''Dire''': (his body is frozen from the neck down) I can't move! :'''Dio''': You imbecile! Did you think for a moment that you could stand up to me? Nothing awaits you here but a mongrel's death! So let's give them a show! :[shatters Dire.] :'''Dio''': JoJo, it's your turn to face oblivion! :[Dio gets hit with a rose to the eye] :'''Dire''': Those Hamon-filled rose thorns do sting a bit. Ha, ha. :'''Dio''': Insect! How you dare you! How dare you wound my face! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Dio_Brando|Dio]]''': Really? The “Let’s do battle” stance? You’re not serious. No matter how you prepare, human ability is extremely limited and finite. Your Hamon training avails you nothing. '''It's USELESS, USELESS, USELESS, UUUSSSEELLLESSS!!''' A MERE MONKEY COULD NEVER DEFEAT A LION!!! In comparison to my power, you are but a MERE MONKEY, JOJO! :'''Jonathan''': You’re wrong! With true conviction, the human race can overcome anything! Let me demonstrate to just what heights a human being can rise! :'''Dio''': A zombie's all you'll ever be! :'''Jonathan''': (after setting his fists on fire) Which one of us will fall!? We'll find out soon enough! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dio''': My body is dissolving! It can't be! (screaming) The pain! The burning! I can’t- (screaming) My reign was to have lasted forever! For centuries uncounted by man! :'''Jonathan''':You had to be destroyed, Dio. :'''Dio''': I, WILL NOT DIE!... <hr width=50%/> :'''Poco''': Why is shredding tears for such an evil creature? :'''Speedwagon''': He and Dio spent their youth together. Dio was like a brother to him. But as for me, I'll be singing in praise. Baron Zepelli, do you see? JoJo did it! Dio's dead! It may be an exaggeration, but JoJo saved the world this night! === The Final Hamon! [[w:JoJo's_Bizarre_Adventure_(season_1)|[1.09]]] === :'''Father Styx''': Eh? Well, that's rather strange. The lock's undone. Queer bit of business. I can see a metal catch glinting on the inside there. But that would mean... that this trunk is locked from the inside! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Dio_Brando|Dio]]''': JoJo... if it wasn't for you, I never would have received the power of the Stone Mask... But at the same time, it was your damnable meddling that cost me world domination! If there truly a god pulling the strings, then it is no coincidence our paths intersect. That our two existences are to be one. Thus I shall take your body, only man I respect, and live out eternity with it! That is my destiny! You will feel no pain. That is my final gift to you! :'''Jonathan''': Argh.. those eyes of his! This isn't good! :'''Dio''': Live on as my body, JoJo! :''[Dio fires two beams from his eyes, piercing Jonathan's neck.]'' :'''Erina''': Jonathan! :'''Jonathan''': Erina... <ref>''Phantom Blood 03, Fire and Ice, Jonathan and Dio <small>Part 4</small>, p. 296-297</ref> <hr width=50%/> :'''Wan Chang''': He's done for! Lord Dio overestimates his mighty power! Well, Jonathan Joestar, I'll scoop out what little brains you have with my bare fingers! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonathan''' (Last words): Dio, as you observed, it may be true that our fate is to be together. I feel an odd warmth for you, for now our lives are interwoven completely… and will end along with this ship. Farewell to you… my… beloved... :'''Dio''' (being held by a dying Jonathan): JoJo! Let me go! Release me! Think of what we two can achieve! You'd like a taste of eternity, would you not? I can heal your wounds. You and Erina can live together forever! JoJo! (he realized Jonathan is no longer alive) No, it's too late. He's dead. (consumed in a explosion that enveloped Jonathan's body and sinks the ship. The following day, Erina and baby Elizabeth were revealed to have survived.) :'''Erina''' (voiceover): Jonathan Joestar passed away into undeserved oblivion. His life was an important part of history, but invisible to ordinary people. Most of humanity, for who he sacrificed, will never know of his noble accomplishments. But his descendants will. The life within me, newly created by Jonathan and I, will certainly hear his story. ==Part II, [[w:Battle Tendency|Battle Tendency]]== === New York's JoJo [[w:JoJo's_Bizarre_Adventure_(season_1)|[1.10]]] === :'''Speedwagon''': Why can’t you ever just think things through, JoJo? :'''Young Joesph''': I do, in fact, a great deal. Mostly about how best to keep you and Granny Erina safe. You two are the only family that I’ve got. :'''Speedwagon''': (Narrator) He may have his grandfather’s face, but he’s far from being a gentleman. <hr width=50%/> :'''Joseph''': As I've said, the wallet is a gift. So why don't you let my friend go. :'''Fat Policeman:''' (while picking his nose, taking out a large booger) Then what's his name? What's the matter, limey? Do you want to spent a night in an American pokey? :'''Joseph'''(after the booger is placed on his cheek): That's curious. Help me understand, why would you do something like that? It seems to such an unsavory thing to do. :'''Fat Policeman''' (while picking his nose again): There is no reason! I do what I like, whenever I feel like it, ya fool! But, if when someone wipes a booger on ya face, then it probably means that- :''[Joseph punches the fat policeman in the face.]'' :'''Joseph''': YOU'VE MADE THE WRONG MOVE, YOU STUPID PIG!! :'''Fat Policeman''' (with his finger stuck in his nose): ''Gyaaaahhh!!!'' Take it out. Awww! Take it out!!! :'''Bearded Policeman''': What?! You're resisting arrest! :''[The bearded policeman points his gun at Joseph.]'' :'''Joseph''': Heh, go ahead and shoot! But you better be prepared for the consequences. The moment you pull that trigger, I'll break your finger like a rotten matchstick!! :'''Bearded Policeman''': Not from there you won't! I'll shoot your damned brains out! :''[Joesph uses his Hamon to shoot his coke's bottlecap at the bearded policeman, damaging the man's trigger finger while drinking his soda before freaking out.]'' :'''Joseph''': Oh!! I've let my temper get the best of me again! OH CRAP! What will granny Erina think of this!? :'''Smokey''' (thought): W-What's with this guy?! He beats up cops and then worries about what his granny will say?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Smokey''': I don't know what's going on, but you said you gave your wallet to me, a thief and a black man- I owe you one. My name is Smokey. I would like to know your name. :'''Joseph''': Joestar. Joseph Joestar. But my friends call me JoJo. I just moved from London with Granny Erina... Nice to meet you. <hr width=50%/> :'''Taxi Driver''': Get you head outta ya butt! Now move the hell out of the way! :'''Joseph''' (grabs the taxi driver): Hello there! I'm sorry, I didn't hear all that. You mind repeating what you just said? Depending on what you said, I might have to give you pounding! :'''Erina''': JoJo! What are you doing? :'''Joseph''': Granny Erina! :'''Erina''': What are you doing with that man? :'''Joseph''': Uh... I was just... huh? ...A taxi. So you wouldn't need to walk around so much. :'''Erina''': You are such a thoughtful boy, JoJo. <hr width=50%/> :[at a restaurant, a racist mobster insults Smokey] :'''Smokey Brown''': I better be going... (Joseph keeps Smokey from getting up as he gets ready to fight) :'''Erina''': JoJo! :'''Joseph''': You heard him. Come on. You’re not going to tell me to stop, are you? :'''Erina''' No. People are entitled to their opinions. But this misbegotten oaf has given insult to our friend! Be mindful of the other guests, now, but teach him a lesson! :'''Joseph''': I was hoping you'd say that! <hr width=50%/> :'''Joseph''': (to mobster after tricking him into damaging his hand on a coat rack) My brain can predict any move you make! Does your thick skull get that!? <hr width=50%/> :'''Erina''': I don't want evil from half a century to take you. :'''Joseph''': It will be alright. If this is my fate, then I'll accept it. <hr width=50%/> :'''Straizo''': I will kill you before you can become a threat! :'''Joseph''': Or maybe not. (guns down Straizo) Yes, I was awaiting you, Straizo. That was on behalf of Speedwagon. But I don’t think you’ll go down so easily. Our war has begun! === The Game Master [[w:JoJo's_Bizarre_Adventure_(season_1)|[1.11]]] === :''[After gunning Straizo down with a tommy gun.]'' :'''Joseph''': Straizo! You have two choices! Death by sunlight, or by my Hamon! Or maybe I should beat your brains to a pulp?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Joseph''': You think Hamon is the only thing I've got in my repertoire? :[Joesph makes a dash towards the window, yanking a grenade he placed on Straizo's scarf] :'''Straizo''': (knocks the grenade off) Childish! :'''Joseph''': Fooled you didn't I. Look at the wires attached to the grenade you tossed away. :'''Straizo''' (finds a multitude of grenades on his cape): You son of a B- (blown to bits) <hr width=50%/> :''[While watching Straizo's disembodied parts putting themselves back together.]'' :'''Joseph''': I have a secret weapon for such a occasion. :'''Smokey''': Secret weapon? What kind is it? :'''Joseph''': Look at his legs! I've blasted them to smithereens and they are still not fully regenerated. And that's our ticket! :'''Smokey''': What does his legs have to do with your secret weapon? :'''Joseph''': My legs are in good condition. :'''Smokey''': So what are they good for? :'''Joseph''': Running away! Make way! :''[Joseph begins to flee.]'' :'''Smokey''' (running after Joseph): This guy is insane! <hr width=50%/> :'''Joseph''' (mortally wounding Straizo): Give my regards to Speedwagon...IN HELL! <hr width=50%/> :'''Straizo''': Joseph! You will likely meet "him" soon. You will probably understand "his" identity and the meaning of evolution! Like destiny handed down by God... :[Straizo's body begins to crack as the Hamon contained is released] :'''Straizo''': There is nothing I regret, Joseph. All this time I planned on entering Hell while still vibrant and filled with energy, not as some withered desiccated corpse. I cannot tell you the ecstasy I have felt in being young again. :'''Joseph''': Straizo, wait. Not yet! I need to know more! :'''Straizo''': Farewell to you, JoJo! <hr width=50%/> :'''Rudol von Stroheim''': GERMAN SCIENCE IS THE BEST IN THE WORLD! DON'T YOU THINK? WE CAN DO ANYTHING! === The Pillar Man [[w:JoJo's_Bizarre_Adventure_(season_1)|[1.12]]] === :'''Rudol von Stroheim''' (laughing hysterically from Santana tripping himself): "Ultimate lifeform?" More like "Ultimate idiot." <hr width=50%/> :'''Santana''': Major...Rudol...Rudol von Stroheim. <hr width=50%/> :'''Joseph''' (poorly disguised as a woman): "All I got under my skirt is more tequila, big boy." === JoJo vs. the Ultimate Lifeform [[w:JoJo's_Bizarre_Adventure_(season_1)|[1.13]]] === :'''Joseph''': You're it! :'''Speedwagon''': Destroy him. :'''Joseph''': Happy! Joy! Nice to meetcha! How you pose for me? Show me happy. Show me silly. Now how about you show those pearly whites? <hr width=50%/> :'''Santana:''' You are playing games with me primitive? I do not want to play. <hr width=50%/> :'''Joseph''': Now I'm in the mood! One Hamon knuckle sandwich coming up! <hr width=50%/> :'''Rudol von Stroheim''': Farewell, you annoying English man! :[Stroheim blows himself up to expose Santana to the sunlight] :'''Joseph''': Damn that crazy German and his honor! (sees Santana) SANTANA! :'''Santana''' (Charges JoJo): YOU ANNOY ME, PRIMITIVE! I WILL DESTROY YOU! :[Knocks Joseph over the well] :'''Santana''': WHY DO YOU RESIST! :'''Joseph''': Next you will say, "I've seen right through you, Joestar." :'''Santana''': I'VE SEEN RIGHT THROUGH YOU, JOESTAR! Wha? <hr width=50%/> :'''Joseph''': Santana's a statue again, and we finally got that smile. === Ultimate Warriors from Ancient Times [[w:JoJo's_Bizarre_Adventure_(season_1)|[1.14]]] === :'''Caesar''': We Italians value family above all others. <hr width=50%/> :'''Caesar''': (While playing cards) I saw that, JoJo. Deal the cards right. Only cowards cheat. :'''Joseph''': Huh? Whatever do you -- [Caesar grabs his wrist] :'''Caesar''': Deal the cards properly, Joestar, or play elsewhere! [Caesar shakes Joseph's wrist, causing about a dozen cards to start spilling out of his sleeve] :'''Joseph''': Huh... fancy that. Well, that didn't work! :'''Caesar''': Pathetic. You should be ashamed that you have to resort to cheating and gimmicks to beat me! :'''Joseph''': You really are serious about cleanliness... [he pulls Caesar's leg onto the table, where we can see something placed on top of his shoe] This mirror is spotless! :'''Caesar''': STOP PROVOKING ME, JOESTAR! :'''Joseph''': OH, I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED! <hr width=50%/> :'''Wamuu''': I see much has changed since I've slumbered. But your illuminations will not stop me. :[kills the guards before approaching Kars and Esidisi.] :'''Wamuu''': Now, the time has come! Awaken, my masters! === A Hero's Proof [[w:JoJo's_Bizarre_Adventure_(season_1)|[1.15]]] === :'''Wamuu''': Become stronger before you decide to face the mighty Wamuu again, child. That way, you can be worthy of my time as I destroy you with honor. :[throws Caesar back] :'''Wamuu''': It seems there that was the only one to use Hamon here. :'''Kars''': Let's go. :'''Joseph''': ''Cough cough cough''. Over here, look... right here. I'd appreciate it if you guys would notice that I'm here. :'''The Pillar Men''': ..... <hr width=50%/> :'''Joseph''' (sing song): I've been working on my Hamon. All the live-long day. :'''Caesar''': He is insane! <hr width=50%/> :'''Joseph''' (while beating Wamuu with his clackers): This for killing Caesar's friend! This for not taking me seriously! AND THIS IS ME NOT LIKING YOUR UGLY FACE! <hr width=50%/> :'''Wamuu''': (turning around to see Joseph, crawling away behind the Pillar Man's back, pretending to be dead) I must be imagining things... <hr width=50%/> :'''Esidisi''': Well, that was fun. :'''Kars''': Let us keep moving. Apparently the human race has regressed rather than evolved. :'''Wamuu''': Quite an understatement. :[After the Pillar men take their leave.] :'''Joseph''' What the hell! Two poisoned wedding rings. One on my heart and the other on my wind pipe. Do they think I'm some sort of bigamist or- (faints) === Lisa Lisa, Hamon Coach [[w:JoJo's_Bizarre_Adventure_(season_1)|[1.16]]] === :'''Joseph''': OH MY GOD! What was I thinking a month. I should have asked for a year. :'''Caesar''': Jojo, a bit of advice: Stop screwing around and grow up! <hr width=50%/> :'''Lisa Lisa''': If you are willing to learn Hamon within a month, you must be willing to die for it! === The Deeper Plan [[w:JoJo's_Bizarre_Adventure_(season_1)|[1.17]]] === :'''Esidisi''': What a piercing gaze you've developed! But when somebody gives me a challenging look, they're asking for death. :'''Joseph''': "Victory is assured before the battle is even fought." <hr width=50%/> :'''Esidici''': You speak of [[Sun Tzu]]? I know him personally, having studied him two thousand years ago. "All war is deception. Hence, when we are able to attack, we must seem unable; when using our forces, we must appear inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, we must make him believe we are near." <hr width=50%/> :'''Esidisi''': Wamuu's Divine Sandstorm allows him manipulation over the wind, I have power over the inferno. <hr width=50%/> :'''Esidisi''': Joseph, the next line you'll say is, "I'm going to wipe that smirk off your face!" Watch. :'''Joseph''': I'm going to wipe that smirk off your face! Wha? Wait a second, you can't do that! That's my trick! <hr width=50%/> :'''Esidisi''': You said, "Victory is assured before the battle is even fought." Well, it's true..True..TRUE! :[Joseph starts laughing.] :'''Esidisi''': Why are you laughing in the face of excreting death? Has the fear drove you insane? :'''Joseph''': Well, my arms are folded and my eyes are closed, this is a victory laugh, Esidisi. You lost today because for 2000 years, you were sleeping behind the wheel. <hr width=50%/> :'''Joseph''': What you’re going to say next is: “My veins will move faster than your pathetic Hamon can possibly go!” Now! :'''Esidisi''': My veins will move faster than your pathetic Hamon can possibly go! <hr width=50%/> :'''Esidisi''': I can't... I can't... You're only a human. I am the evolved one, the highest life form! I will not be beaten! Now that you've pushed me too far! :[As Esidisi's body explodes.] :'''Joseph''': Die with power of the countless lives you've stolen! <hr width=50%/> :'''Joseph''': My Instructor, I must thank you for torturing me. Grazie, Loggins. === Von Stroheim's Revenge [[w:JoJo's_Bizarre_Adventure_(season_1)|[1.18]]] === :'''Joseph''': Hey, Suzie Q. :[Suzie Q screams.] :'''Joseph''': What the hell!? :'''Suzie Q''': There's a stranger on the island! :'''Joseph''': It's me, Jojo! <hr width=50%/> :'''Joseph''': So, what you think? :'''Suzie Q''': Weird lips. :'''Joseph''': Well, if we fall madly in love with each other, you can kiss these lips as much as you want. :'''Suzie Q''': In your dreams! <hr width=50%/> :'''Joseph''': Well, if I'm gonna be sitting around for 30 minutes, I choose to do it here. :[sits next to Lisa Lisa's door] :'''Joseph''': Would it to be wrong of me should my eyes happen to gaze through the keyhole? :[looks through and sees a naked Lisa Lisa] :'''Joseph''': Hoh hoh hoh hooooooooohhh!! NIIIIIIICE!" === A Race Towards the Brink [[w:JoJo's_Bizarre_Adventure_(season_1)|[1.19]]] === :'''Stroholm''' (to Kars): YOU FOOL! GERMAN SCIENCE IS THE GREATEST IN THE WORLD!!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Kars''' (to Jojo): I'll kill you in a moment. === Young Caesar [[w:JoJo's_Bizarre_Adventure_(season_1)|[1.20]]] === :'''Joseph''': I've changed my mind. If you're going into that derelict hell, I'm coming too. <hr width=50%/> :'''Wamuu''': You are the bubble user named Caesar Zeppeli. I see from your eyes that you have grown stronger from your ordeals. Very well. I deem you worthy of death, bubble user. :'''Caesar''': We'll see who dies! <hr width=50%/> :'''Caesar''': I see you took off your coat and prepared yourself, Wammu. <hr width=50%/> :'''Caesar''': *While using his Bubble Cutter on Wamuu* Running? :'''Wamuu''': I will not run nor hide from you! <hr width=50%/> :'''Wamuu''': Why did you take my lip ring!? :'''Caesar''': I... I'm not afraid to die here... But I am a proud member of the Zeppeli family, so you see, it's in my blood... Something like this, might mean nothing to a demented inhuman monster like you...! My father didn't recognize me, but he sacrificed his life to save mine anyway. My grandfather gave his Hamon energy to save JoJo's grandfather right before he died. It's tradition. I have to do something. I... I can't let my life's flame, just sputter out to darkness...! :[Caesar wraps his bandana around the ring.] :'''Caesar''': This is the Zeppeli family spirit, handed down from the past to ensure the family's future! It's the human spirit! JOJO, THIS IS THE LAST OF MY HAMON! TAKE IT FROM MEEEEEEEEEEEEE! :[Caesar is crushed to death by a cross-shaped stone that fell on him.] <hr width=50%/> :'''Wamuu''': The memory of you and our last moments together will be engraved on me forever, Caesar Zeppelli. A man as splendid and fleeting as the bubbles he made. <hr width=50%/> :'''Joseph''': I swear to avenge your death, Caesar! Your spirit is with me! (seeing blood leaking from the cross-shaped stone that crushed Caesar minutes before they entered the hotel) Blood. His blood. This is...where he fell. Caesar... :'''Lisa Lisa''': *breaks down in tears* Caesar... :'''Joseph''': <big>'''''CAAAAEESAAAAARRRRRR!'''''</big> :'''Narrator''': They were deep in enemy territory. Kars and Wamuu were very nearby, but the two simply couldn't help themselves. JoJo called out Caesar's name. Lisa Lisa's tears flowed freely. But their heartbroken cries of grief were answered only by a cold silence. Caesar...was gone. As they mourned him, they took solace in one simple fact: Though his body had died, his soul would live on through them. Rest in peace... Caesar Zeppeli. === A Hundred Against Two [[w:JoJo's_Bizarre_Adventure_(season_1)|[1.21]]] === :'''Lisa Lisa''' (after infecting Wire with Hamon): Jojo, let's go. :'''Wired Beck''': Where are you going? (to Joseph) Don't you think females deserve to be punished? :'''Joseph''': You're the one who's about to be punished. And your time is up. Hamon is coursing through you. :'''Wired Beck''': Don't be ridiculous, I'm not-- (His body starts to dissolve) AAARGH! NOOOOOOOOOOO! <hr width=50%/> :'''Joseph''' (Getting on the vampire horse-drawn chariot): Let's ride! === A True Warrior [[w:JoJo's_Bizarre_Adventure_(season_1)|[1.22]]] === :'''Joseph''': (Over the vampires cheering Wamuu on): Why do the bad guys get all the fans? <hr width=50%/> :'''Joseph''': Next, you're going to say, "Don't dishonor our battle, JoJo." :'''Wamuu''': Don't dishonor our battle, JoJo! Huh!? === The Warrior of Wind [[w:JoJo's_Bizarre_Adventure_(season_1)|[1.23]]] === :'''Wamuu''' (Attacking vampires trying to kill Joseph): You cowardly cannibals! <hr width=50%/> :[Joseph honors Wamuu's last request to take the antidote.] :'''Wamuu''': I have no regrets. I am glad I was able to witness your growth as a warrior. Perhaps the reason I lived these thousands of years was so that I could meet you at the end. Farewell to you, warrior JoJo... (Dissolves to dust) <hr width=50%/> :'''Kars''': I am the only one left, because the world and everything on it belong to me. <hr width=50%/> :'''Kars''' (after mortally wounding Lisa Lisa in a sneak attack): I am no warrior like Wammu, nor am I a romantic. I don't care what method I have to use, victory justifies any means! <hr width=50%/> :'''Kars''' (to his vampires): Kill Jojo! :'''Joseph''': KARS! KARS! KARS! YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS! (starts fighting vampires.) <hr width=50%/> :'''Kars''': *making guitar noises while playing with Lisa Lisa's legs* :'''Joseph''': You utter bastard! <hr width=50%/> :'''Joseph''' (After being forced to leave himself open to attack to keep Lisa Lisa alive): KARS! THERE'S A PLACE FOR YOU IN HELL! === The Ties That Bind JoJo [[w:JoJo's_Bizarre_Adventure_(season_1)|[1.24]]] === :'''Joseph''': Kars! You lived too long! Your soul has decayed. It's like a pumpkin left to rot in the field. Even the flies avoid it! <hr width=50%/> :'''Joseph''': You may have lived for thousands of years, Kars. But against the likes of me, you need another decade! YOU'RE THROUGH! HAMON! OOOVEEERDRIIIVEEE! === The Birth of a Superbeing!! [[w:JoJo's_Bizarre_Adventure_(season_1)|[1.25]]] === :'''Stroheim''': He has become the ubermensch! :'''Kars''': Alpha. Omega. I am now both. <hr width=50%/> :'''Joseph''': One all-or-nothing gambit! :'''Stroheim''': All-or-nothing gambit, you say!? :'''Joseph''': Yeah! It's my final move! :'''Stroheim''': What does it involve? :'''Smokey''': JoJo, when you say 'final move', you're not referring to THAT, are you? :'''Joseph''': Listen up! This is something you've got to do for yourselves! :'''Stroheim''': Just tell me what to do and I'll follow your lead, JoJo! :'''Joseph''': Hmmmhmmhmmmhmmhmmm... (Grabs the Super Aja while running off) '''RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIVEEEESSS!!!!''' :'''Smokey''' (running after Joseph): AWWWW MAN, I knew you're gonna do thaaaat!! :'''Kars''' (turning his arms into wings): Hamon users are beneath me now. But to avenge Wamuu and Esidisi, I will kill you Joesph Joestar! <hr width=50%/> :'''Joseph''': You're not the only one who can fly! I'm comin' for you! <hr width=50%/> :'''Joseph''': Carpe diem as they say. <hr width=50%/> :'''Kars''' (while in the magma): I am still alive! === The Ascendant One [[w:JoJo's_Bizarre_Adventure_(season_1)|[1.26]]] === :'''Kars''': I have conquered the sun. Did you think Hamon was beyond me? <hr width=50%/> :'''Kars''': Did you plan this too, JoJo?! Tell me! :'''Joseph''' (Out loud): Why are you even asking!? I set a trap and you walked right into it! All of this went down like clockwork! (Monologue) I just got lucky, but thinking I outsmarted him will drive Kars nuts! <hr width=50%/> :'''Kars''': No! The Earth! No! Don't panic! Just find the Earth. I'll use air to change my trajectory. Once I'm back on solid ground, I will tear that boy apart! (starts to freeze and groan in pain) No! It's not working! I'm freezing! The air is freezing around me! The moment it comes out of the jets, it turns to ice! (Spouts wings, but they freeze while he drifts further as his body freezes over) I can't change my path! I can't move! <hr width=50%/> :'''Joseph''' (After crashing his own funeral and learning his wife failed to alert their friends of his survival): Suzie Q, what the hell?! You had one job, woman! ONE JOB! <hr width=50%/> :'''Old man Joseph''' (kicked a Japanese man in the stomach after learning his nationality while they bumped into each other): Her son doesn't even see his grandfather. And that's why I'll never forgive the Japanese! (takes out a cassette player) They do make nifty gadgets, though. ==Part III, [[w:Stardust Crusaders|Stardust Crusaders]]== === A Man Possessed By an Evil Spirit [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders|[2.01]]]=== :'''Holly''': (running to her son's cell) Jotaro! Jotaro! JOTARO! :'''[[w:Jotaro_Kujo|Jotaro]]''': SHUT THE HELL UP! GET OUT OF MY FACE, STUPID BITCH! :'''Holly''': OKAY! <hr width=50%/> :''[Jotaro is in prison, refusing to leave his jail cell despite the fact that he's been released.]'' :'''Jotaro''': What.. Mom, is that you? Tch! Go away.. I'll be staying here for a little while. :'''Holly''': ...? :'''Jotaro''': I am possessed by an 'evil spirit'... I have no idea what 'it' could make me do. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jotaro''': Why are you such an annoying bitch? :'''Holly''': Okay~, I dunno~! :'''Joseph''': HEY! How dare you address your mother that way?! And what kind of language is that?! And stop smiling, Holly! You'll only encourage it! :'''Holly''': OKAY! === Who Shall Judge!? [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders|[2.02]]]=== :'''Jotaro''': SHUT UP!!! YOU'RE FREAKIN' ANNOYING!!!! ''[A long rant given to Noriaki Kakyoin.]'' :'''[[w:Jotaro_Kujo|Jotaro]]''': Look, no one ever said Jotaro Kujo was a nice guy. I beat the crap outta people, more than I have to. Some are even still in the hospital. I've had idiot teachers who like to talk big, so I taught them a lesson and they never came back to class. If I go to a restaurant and the food is bad, I make it a policy to stiff 'em with the bill. But, even a bastard like me... can spot true evil when he sees it! True evil...are those who use the weak for their own gain, then crush them underfoot when they're through! Especially an innocent woman! And that is exactly what you've done, isn't it? And your Stand gets to hide from the victim, the law, and the consequences. That's why... I will judge you myself!! : '''Jotaro''': So the loser's evil, huh? In that case...Let me judge you! (Star Platinum beating up Kakyoin) With my Stand! === DIO's Curse [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders|[2.03]]]=== :'''Noriaki''': JoJo's mother is a woman capable of calming the hearts of others. People feel at ease around her. This may sound awkward... but if I were to fall in love, I'd like it to be with someone like her. I would give my all for her. And I would want to always see her warm, happy smile. === Tower of Grey [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders|[2.04]]]=== :'''Enya Geil''': The emotion of fear. Fear is a natural reaction within all living creatures. Now, why does fear exist? There is the kind of fear stirred by instinct. And then, there is fear from logic. Namely, when one comes across something stronger than them, and there is absolutely no way to fight back. Or when they encounter something unknown. You may either struggle, resist, run away, or accept. But upon meeting upon meeting Lord DIO, a fifth option is introduced...Joy! <hr width=50%/> :'''Grey Fly''': This world is full of Stands that surpass even your wildest imagination! Those loyal to DIO will follow you at every turn! You bastards won't even see Egypt. Your deaths will be swift and painful! === Silver Chariot [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders|[2.05]]]=== :'''Polnareff''': Bravo, sir! Bravo! <hr width=50%/> :[Polnareff, having been serious moments ago, taking pictures of two ladies from the plane wanting to see the Joestar Group again.] :'''Avdol''': This is nothing like the Polnareff of a moment ago. :'''Kakyoin''': It's like his emotions change on a dime. :'''Joseph''': More like he's got two brains, and the one downstairs suddenly started calling the shots. :'''Jotaro''' (adjusts his cap): ...Oh, give me a break. === Dark Blue Moon [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders|[2.06]]]=== :'''Jotaro''': You're the only one swallowin' saltwater, pops, choke on it... Tell him, Avdol. :'''Avdol''': Your folly was trying to out-predict me, a fortune teller, tough break. :'''Polnareff''': Well said, Avdol. <hr width=50%/> :'''Fake Captain''': But your power was being drained... You let yourself go limp on purpose didn't you? You concentrated your power in your fingers... That's what you were thinking all along... === Strength [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders|[2.07]]]=== === The Devil [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders|[2.08]]]=== :'''Ebony Devil''': You idiot! No assassin worth the damn would ever reveal his Stand's identity. It only happens in the face of death for him or his opponent! You guys are so stupid always showing off your Stands everywhere you go! It's your own fault that we know all your weaknesses! If it weren't for that mirror, I would've killed you! You're just a moron who got lucky! === Yellow Temperance [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders|[2.09]]]=== :'''Rubber Soul''': Do you ''understaaaaaaaand''?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jotaro''': But we Kujos...no, us Joestars got this philosophy when it comes to fighting. That's...to run away! <hr width=50%/> ''[Mocking Rubber Soul.]'' :'''[[w:Jotaro_Kujo|Jotaro]]''': Your Stand may be invincible, but you sure as hell aren't! If I destroy you, then your Stand dies too. Do you understand? Listen, I've had it up to here with that cocky-ass mouth of yours, alright? I just happen to be the type of guy who takes these things to heart! (punches Rubber Soul in the face.) <hr width=50%/> ''[Rubber Soul pleading for his life after a devious attempt on Jotaro's life]'' :'''[[w:Jotaro_Kujo|Jotaro]]''': Just shut up already. I have nothing more to say to you. You're way too pathetic... I'm done wasting my breath. (Grabs Rubber Soul in a hold so Star Platinum can beat the villain to retire.) === The Emperor and the Hanged Man [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders|[2.10 - 2.11]]]=== :'''Hol Horse''' (to Polnareff): The gun is mightier than the sword! <hr width=50%/> :'''Kakyoin''' (elbowing Polnareff in the face after they escaped Hol Horse and the Hanged Man): Considered this proof that we've made up, Polnareff. :'''Polnareff''': Agh! Merci... Kakyoin... :'''Kakyoin''': Next time they come after us... we'll fight them together! <hr width=50%/> :'''Polnareff''' (to Kakoyin): You’ve got to say something more like this before you get revenge. (to J. Geil) My name is Jean-Pierre Polnareff. For the honor of my dear sister's soul and so that my friend Avdol can rest in peace, I shall send you falling into the depths of Hell! <hr width=50%/> :'''J. Geil''': Kukukukuku... You really did waste your youth trying to hunt me down... but it looks like you won't succeed! What a pathetic life you've lived! <hr width=50%/> :'''J. Geil''' (While attempting to open a gate to escape): It won't open! :'''Polnareff''': Looks like ''you're'' the one who's really good at sobbing, J. Geil. And you're about to plummet into hell, begging and crying the whole way down. But there's one thing I can't rely on the guardians of Hell to do. And that's...to turn your body into a pincushion! === The Empress [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders|[2.12]]]=== :'''Empress''': What the hell is this?! :'''Joseph''': Hmm? I might as well... what now? I'm sorry, my hearing isn't exactly what it once was. Run that by me one more time, will ya? :'''Empress''': It's coal tar! That was your plan all along! It wasn't to suffocate me, you were trying to keep me from moving! But how?! How did you know there was coal tar in there?! :'''Joseph''': With my Stand's power, Hermit Purple, told me everything! :'''Empress''': You drew a map with Hermit Purple?! That's how you found a tar?! A map out of incense ashes?! :'''Joseph''': Yeah! Now I think even a glorified pimple like you should see the difference in our fighting experience. "When your opponent starts boasting, he's already lost." That, shrew, is a line from my wilder days. Like a fine wine, I guess I just get better with age! And now! A Stand will defeat another Stand! Next you'll say, "Please, stop it! I beg you!" :'''Empress''': PLEASE, JUST STOP IT! I BEG YOU! AH! :'''Joseph''': This will hurt me as much as it hurts you, but children can't depend on their parents forever! Once you've grown up... (Leaps to pull at Empress, ripping the Stand to pieces) You've got to learn to live on your own! Now, then. I wonder where that thing Stand user is hiding. === Wheel of Fortune [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders|[2.13]]]=== : '''Jotaro''' (upon seeing the girl): Good frick'n grief. <hr width=50%/> : '''ZZ''': Wheel of Fortune is gonna grind you into hamburger and splatter you all over these rocks! <hr width=50%/> : '''ZZ''' (As Jotaro appeared to have burned to death): I won!!! Your valiant hero finally bit the dust! : '''Jotaro''': Is that so? (while emerging from underground, leaving his jacket behind) And who exactly is going to replace me, Jotaro Kujo? Let me guess, you thought it'd be you, you roadhog! <hr width=50%/> : '''Enya''' (deciding to go after the Joestar group): I, Enya, will be your final opponent! I will destroy you with my Stand of Justice! === Justice [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders|[2.14 - 2.15]]]=== :'''Enya''' (To Hol Horse): How dare you call yourself his friend! You cretin! You Judas! :'''Enya''': Just one little wound is all I need...then "Justice" will do the rest! :'''Enya''': Justice always prevails. === The Lovers [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders|[2.16 - 2.17]]]=== :'''Steely Dan''' (in disguise): BYE-BYE, THANK-YOU NOW! <hr width=50%/> : '''Enya''' (final words): He believes in me, so I'll serve him even in death... I won't betray him... :'''Joseph''' (after Enya is killed by Lovers): OH GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! <hr width=50%/> :'''Steely Dan''': My name is Dan... Steely Dan. My Stand is represented by the card of "The Lovers". <hr width=50%/> :'''Polnareff''': The old bitch's son killed my sister and she gave me Hell, so I should be glad that she's dead... but I'm REALLY having complicated feelings towards her right now!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Joseph''' (after Silver Chariot made a harmless microscopic cut in a blood vein): OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! I don't feel so good... <hr width=50%/> :'''Steely Dan''': Please! I'm begging you, forgive me! :'''Jotaro''': Ask for forgiveness from Enya, the woman you killed. But as for me, I never had the slightest intention of forgiving you. :'''Steely Dan''' (attempting to bribe Jotaro): D-DIO paid me in advance. You...you can have it all. :'''Jotaro''': Good grief. I know this is blatantly obvious, but you really are a piece of work. What you owe me...can never be paid back with money! (Star Platinum proceeds to beat Steely Dan with extreme prejudice before punching him into a tower, Jotaro tallying the tab) Your receipt. Keep the frigging change. === The Sun [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders|[2.18]]]=== ''[After the Sun breaks Joseph's pair of binoculars.]'' :'''Joseph''': Agh! Son of a...''bitch''! <hr width=50%/> :[After Arabia Fats was easily defeated] :'''Joseph''': You mean...we already beat the Stand User? :'''Kakyoin''': You hit the nail on the head. : Caption: The Sun—RETIRED. === Death 13 [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders|[2.19 - 2.20]]]=== :'''Baby Stand''': LALIHOOOO!! === Judgement [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders|[2.21 - 2.22]]]=== : '''Cameo''': HAIL 2 U! <hr width=50%/> :''[While Polnareff is battling the fake versions of his sister and Avdol, the real Avdol appears. Polnareff believes the real Avdol had died.]'' :'''Polnareff''': ARE YOU REALLY MOHAMMED AVDOL?! :'''Avdol''' (waggling a finger before striking a pose): ''Tsk tsk!'' Yes, you had better believe I am!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Polnareff''': No, stop this charade. You're not the real Sherry. My Sherry is gone, dead! You're nothing but... ''[kills fake Sherry]'' A hunk of dirt!! :'''Polnareff''': (After finding Cameo's hiding place) HELL 2 U. <hr width=50%/> : '''Avdol''': Last but not least, my fourth wish is to not grant a single one of your pitiful wishes. My Magician's Red forgives no one, especially not you. === The High Priestess [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders|[2.23 - 2.24]]]=== === Iggy the Fool and Geb's N'Doul [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders|[2.25 - 2.26]]]=== :'''N'Doul''': (thought) I can't believe it! He actually threw the dog... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jotaro''': (After seeing N'Doul use his own stand to fatally wound himself.) Why did you- :'''N'Doul''': Jotaro... You... You thought you could... You thought you could manipulate me and force me to tell you information regarding the other eight Stand users, didn't you? Ugh! I'm very well aware... that Joseph Joestar's Hermit Purple can view into the minds of others... Ugh! You'll never get inside my head, and I'll never tell you anything that you could use against my master... Ah ha ha ha...! :'''Jotaro''': DIO... I don't understand why you're so loyal to him. Are you honestly telling me... that you'd die for him? :'''N'Doul''': Jotaro... You're right, you don't understand. Fear of death holds no place in my heart. Hah! Because of the power of my Stand, I've always been able to live a life unencumbered by such inconsequential fears like death. I could always win any fight. I could have and do whatever I wanted... Killing and stealing were absolutely meaningless to me. You should talk to the mutt about it. I'm sure he knows how I feel. DIO was the first person, who was able to look deep within my soul and find something more. He was the one who gave me a desire to live. That glorious force of nature, he was so strong, so wise, so beautiful! He was the one and only person in my life to ever see a purpose for my existence. I waited such a long time, for an opportunity to meet him. I will gladly die for my master's sake. (coughs) But no matter what, I refuse to do anything that would disappoint him... (vomits blood) And after all, evil or not, a scoundrel needs someone to put his faith in... (chuckles) I'll tell you this before I go; You should know what my name is N'Doul, and my Stand hails from Egypt, the birthplace of the Tarot; It's referred to as one of the Nine Gods of Egypt, Geb of the great Ennead. We call it the God of the Earth... :'''Jotaro''': Nine Egyptian Gods? What does that mean? :'''N'Doul''': Ha ha ha! Sorry, but I'll only tell you about my Stand. It's only fair since you're the one who ended up stopping me, but info on my compatriots goes with me to my grave... === Khnum's Oingo and Tohth's Boingo [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders|[2.27]]]=== :'''Oingo''': Our cards are the God of knowledge Thoth, and the God of creation Khnum! We are the Oingo Boingo brothers! === Anubis [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders|[2.28 - 2.29]]]=== [''After Anubis successfully stabs Jotaro''] :'''Anubis:''' I did it! I win! Master DIO, I've exterminated Jotaro. I, Anubis, have finally put him down. Victory is mine! [''Star Platinum tries to pull the sword out''] :'''Anubis:''' Just forget it. You're not going to be able to pull out that blade. Give up already. I'm not sure you're tiny brain has realized it, but I've surpassed Star Platinum. And now the final thrust... :'''Jotaro:''' The...final thrust? :'''Anubis:''' Yes, precisely! Once I slice open your bowels, Master DIO will rejoice! :'''Jotaro:''' Please, stop this... Don't drive the blade any further. It...it'll be murder... :'''Anubis:''' Nice try, but you won't get any mercy from me! I CAN'T WAIT TO SPILL YOUR GUTS! <hr width=50%/> :'''Anubis:''' Hey! Yoohoo! Oh, fishies, look down here! Come on, swim over to me! Hey, wait! Where are you going?! Hey, Mr. Crab! It's a pleasure to meet ya'! Would you mind doing me a favor and taking me ashore? I'll give you something yummy. WAIT, Mr. Crab, you just can't leave me here! I'll be rusted through in a couple of days! Please, help me! DON'T LEAVE ME HERE! OOOOH HO HO, I'M SO ALONE! === Maraiah's Bastet [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders|[2.30 - 2.31]]]=== :'''Avdol''': "Disasters in the bathroom" is Polnareff's department! :'''Joseph''': If that's how you're going to be, then it's your loss, young lady. :'''Mariah''': What?! Sh-Shit...! :'''Joseph''': Weren't you listening to us earlier? You've been caught between us the whole time! Magnets are attracted to each other, you know! It's too late to do anything about it now! By getting between us was your biggest blunder! :'''Avdol''': There's no way she can hear you, Mr. Joestar. She's already lost consciousness. And all the magnetic forces crushed her and it's very likely that she snapped more than a few bones in the process. :'''Joseph''': Alright, where do we get that breakfast are we talking about? :'''Avdol''': Yes, a wonderful idea. All this running around has made me rather honery. :'''Joseph''': Is it really only 9 AM? :'''Mariah''': Damn you...piece of shit... === Set's Alessi [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders|[2.32 - 2.33]]]=== * '''Alessi''': Attaboy! === D'Arby the Gambler [2.34 - 2.35]=== : '''Daniel J. D'Arby''': Make your move. It's your turn, Joestar! : '''Daniel J. D'Arby''': I thought I laid it out plainly. If you don’t like gambling, then say so. :'''Joseph''' (exasperated): For the last time, I have NO idea where you're going with this! : '''Daniel J. D'Arby''': Oh, all right. What I'm asking is if you and your friends would like to play a little game. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jotaro''': Hold it. Why're you jumping the gun when I haven't raised the pot yet? [''Avdol and the Dealer Boy gasp''] : '''Daniel J. D'Arby''': R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-Raise the pot?! No! You don't have anything to raise it with! :'''Jotaro''': That’s where you’re wrong. I’ll raise you with my mother’s soul. : '''Daniel J. D'Arby''': '''WHAT?!?!?!''' :'''Avdol''': Are you out of your mind?! Jotaro, why would you bet your mother's soul?! :'''Jotaro''': I came to Egypt to save my mother, so if I wager her soul, she won't mind. But, D'Arby, you'll have to match my mother's soul. For that... I'll have you tell me the secret of DIO's Stand!" :'''Jotaro''': Come on! Are you gonna call my bluff or fold?! Decision time! Spit it out already! '''''D’ARBY!!!!!!!!''''' <hr width=50%/> : '''Daniel J. D'Arby''': Call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call, call... === Hol Horse and Boingo [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders|[2.36 - 2.37]]]=== :'''Hol Horse''': Listen, Boingo... I am not the nicest man in the world. I have girlfriends everywhere. I might lie to a woman, but I'll never hit them! It doesn't matter how ugly they are! Because I respect women! <hr width=50%/> :'''Polnareff:''' Shut your mouth! :'''Joseph:''' You mean- :'''Hol Horse:''' (furious) Damn it, Polnareff! You lowdown, dirty son of a... You were cluing 'em in! You’ve pissed me off for the last time! I've just about had enough of you! Now, die! [''Polnareff sneezes, revealing Hol Horse behind him''] :'''Avdol:''' What's he doing here?! :'''Hol Horse''': Why? You idiot, you had to sneeze? [''Stand Chariot hits Hot Horse in the neck causing him to fall into the oil''] '''Polnareff:''' Everyone, watch out! Hol Horse is back, and he's got a friend hiding under the crate, so be careful! === The Guardian of Hell, Pet Shop [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders|[2.38 - 2.39]]]=== === D'Arby the Player [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders|[2.40 - 2.41]]]=== :'''Terrence D'Arby''': It-It can't be! I accidentally released his soul from the doll! :'''Joseph''': Before I forget... what to do with you, you button-mashing jerk? :'''Terrence T. D'Arby''': Oh, shit! Please, mercy, I beg you! I've already given you back Kakyoin's soul, haven't I? It's like they say, no harm, no foul! We're good... right? Right? Right? :'''Jotaro''': You want to know whether I'll forgive you, why don't you just do what you do best and read my mind? :'''Jotaro''''s soul: No! No! No! No! No! :'''Jotaro''': Answer this. Will I hit you with my right fist or decide to deck you with my left? I'd love to know. :'''Terrence D'Arby''': Well, since you're asking, you'll use... your right one? :'''Jotaro''''s soul: No! No! No! No! No! :'''Terrence D'Arby''': Then... your left? :'''Jotaro''''s soul: No! No! No! No! No! :'''Terrence D'Arby''': You're... not gonna use both, are you? :'''Jotaro''''s soul: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! YES! :'''Terrence D'Arby''': Are you going to do the "Ora Ora" thing?! :'''Joseph''': *annoyed* YES! YES! YES! OH MY GOD...! :'''Star Platinum''': '''ORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORA!''' :'''Narrator''': Terrence D'Arby: Out of Commission! === The Miasma of the Void, Vanilla Ice [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders|[2.42 - 2.44]]]=== :'''Vanilla Ice''': Yes, it'd be an honor. (sets up a pot for Dio) What is mine is yours! <hr width=50%/> :'''Avdol''': (While facing Vanilla Ice's Stand Cream) My god! What IS that abomination?! Impossible! Neither my flames nor Iggy could sense it! Where did it come from?! POLNAREFF, IGGY, YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE NOW! <hr width=50%/> :'''Vanilla Ice''': YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DEFEAT ME! === DIO's World [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders|[2.45 - 2.47]]]=== '''DIO:''' Polnareff, have you ever considered why humans wish to live? Humans live hoping to conquer their anxieties and fear, and attain peace of mind. Seeking fame, controlling others, and acquiring wealth are all done to achieve peace of mind. Marriage and friendship are also pursued as means of attaining peace of mind. When humans say they wish to help others, or that a thing is done for love or justice...it's all merely to give themselves peace of mind. To achieve peace of mind is the goal of all mankind. Now, given that, what anxiety could you possibly feel towards serving me? Any other peace of mind would come easily if you do. Doesn't challenging me, even knowing that it may spell your death, bring you anxiety? You are a very capable Stand user. It's a waste to kill you. Why not cut ties with Joestar and the others, and serve me for eternity? I can promise you peace of mind for eternity. <hr width=50%/> [''The World fully materializes behind DIO''] :'''DIO:''' Time to meet your end, Polnareff! :'''Polnareff:''' So that's your stand, The World? Bring it! :'''DIO:''' MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA! <hr width=50%/> :'''Senator Philips''': *thought, after DIO ripped his two front teeth and orders him to drive* "W-who the hell are you!? Do you think you're going to get a away with this!? (to himself'') No, of course he won't. No one could get away with doing this to me. I graduated high school and college at the top of my class! I was captain of my college wrestling team! Even after I graduated, I was respected and revered! That's how I became a politician! I have a villa on a thousand acres in Hawaii! I married a beautiful model who is 25 years younger than me! I pay 50 times more in taxes than ordinary people! I've defeated every enemy I've faced! I'll eventually become President! I am Senator Philips! <hr width=50%/> :'''Kakyoin''': *monologue* I always thought living in a big city would mean meeting a lot of people. But how many people meet others that they can truly understand, and who truly understand them? I probably won't ever find someone who sees me for who I am. Because I don't have a single friend that can see my Hierophant Green. === The Faraway Journey, Farewell Friends [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders|[2.48]]]=== :'''DIO''': This is the final time I will stop time! THE WORLD! [Time stops] :'''DIO''': [smirks and jumps away into the air] One second has passed... Two seconds have passed... Three seconds have passed. '''Narrator''': For some reason, DIO disappeared while time was stopped. :'''DIO''': Four seconds have passed... '''Narrator''': However, Jotaro has abandoned thought. NO matter what DIO has planned, or what attack he might unleash, in the two seconds that Jotaro can move within stopped time, all he needs to do is drive Star Platinum's fists into him in those two seconds! :'''DIO''': Five seconds have passed... :'''Jotaro''': (The one thing that I know, DIO, is that the next time I see your face, I'm probably going to bust a vein! :'''DIO''': Six seconds have passed... :'''Jotaro''': Bring it on, DIO! :'''DIO''': Seven seconds have passed... [''During DIO's frozen time, he appears in the air with a giant road roller, ready to crush Jotaro.''] :'''DIO:''' '''I'M GOING TO ROLL ALL OVER YOU!!!''' [''Star Platinum tries to punch the road roller back''] :'''Star Platinum:''' ORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORA! :'''DIO:''' It's too late! Time to die! [''DIO elbows the road roller at a rapid pace''] :'''DIO:''' '''MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA! EIGHT SECONDS HAVE PASSED! WRYYYYYYYY! I'LL OBLITERATE YOU!''' :'''Star Platinum:''' ORA! [The road roller smashes down, spreading dirt and debris everywhere] :'''DIO''': Nine seconds have passed... I did it. It's over. Star Platinum has finally been defeated by my The World! Immortality! Eternal life! Heheheheh... Hahahahaha... '''AND STAND POWER!''' HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This proves that no one can surpass DIO! Puny humans! I shall rule you all! Bow before my wisdom and power! Ten seconds have passed! Hehehehehe. Now my ability to stop time has reached ten seconds! Now then, I guess I should find Jotaro's lifeless body and drink his blood. If there's any left that is. [DIO struggles to move] :'''DIO''': This can't be... My body is slowing down... What's happening...? N-No... It's not that I'm slowing down... For some reason, I can't move at all! I don't get it! This is impossible! I'm frozen! :'''Jotaro''': DIO! It's been eleven seconds. I guess that's your stand limit, huh? :'''DIO''': What?! :'''Jotaro''': I stopped time at nine seconds. It's a good thing I did. You gave me a chance to escape. Good grief, you idiot. Here's the thing! Since you're frozen like that, destroying you will only take a second! :'''DIO''': Jo... Jotaro! This is madness! You can stop time, too? Curse you! This whole act was a ruse to waste my nine seconds, wasn't it, you bastard?! :'''Jotaro''': How does it feel, DIO? Tell me. :'''Star Platinum''': ORA! [Star Platinum kicks DIO's left leg and breaks it] :'''Jotaro''': Time is about to start moving again. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jotaro Kujo:''' If this were the Wild West, the hero would say "It's High Noon." Now get off the ground and draw your piece, DIO. You're getting one shot. :'''DIO:''' (Thinking) This insignificant whelp... How dare he mock me! Though I shouldn't be surprised. Of course you would use this opportunity to make such a human declaration! You think like a true mortal, cursed with a fleeting life destined for obscurity. A bad taste in your mouth, you say? What, are you afraid you'll regret killing me? That reasoning is as pathetic as your species, your foolish honor will be your demise! That is where you and I differ. My vision is clear and my mind is focused on a single goal. I want to dominate. Nothing more, nothing less. That is the only thing that will bring me fulfillment! But how I go about doing that...(speaking) DOESN'T MATTER IN THE SLIGHTEST! [DIO squirts blood into Jotaro's eyes] :'''DIO''': There! How about a little blood on your eyes?! I win! Die! [The world spins and kicks at Jotaro] :'''Jotaro/Star Platinum''': '''ORAAA!''' [Jotaro and Star Platinum clench their fists and throw a heavy punch at The World's leg] [Star Platinum's hand is damaged and DIO smirks] :'''DIO:''' (as his head is destroyed while his Stand shatters from a clash with Star Platinum) <big>'''''WHAT THE HELL?! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE! I AM THE IMMORTAL DIO! I...AM...DIO...!!!'''''</big> :[DIO's body explodes] :'''Jotaro Kujo:''' When the sun comes up, you'll be nothing but dust. You only made one mistake. One that got you killed. DIO, this whole thing might've ended differently, but...you went and pissed me off. Was it worth it? <hr width=50%/> :[After reviving Joseph by transfusing his blood back from Dio's corpse.] :'''Jotaro Kujo:''' Old man? :'''Joseph Joestar:''' [evil laugh] You're a damn fool, Jotaro! :'''Jotaro Kujo:''' You have got to be kidding! :'''Joseph Joestar:''' All you did was resurrect yours truly! :'''Jotaro Kujo:''' [actives his Stand] Bastard! :'''Joseph Joestar:''' WAIT! Calm down, Jotaro! It was a joke, I was just kidding! There's no need to get violent! I'm sorry. I was just trying to have some fun. You have my word, it's me! :[shows off his Stand] :'''Joseph Joestar:''' I'm Joseph Joestar. I was born September 27 in 1920. My wife's name is Suzi Q and I collect comics as a hobby. :'''Jotaro Kujo:''' ...I have a question for you. Who's the leading actress in "Tarzan the Ape Man"? :'''Joseph Joestar:''' Bo Derek! :'''Jotaro Kujo:''' Okay, answer this one. Who sang "Eat It", the spoof of "Beat It"? :'''Joseph Joestar:''' "Weird" Al Yankovic! :'''Jotaro Kujo:''' Good grief... It has to be you. Who else would know pointless crap like that? <hr width=50%/> :'''Polnareff''': Goodbye, you wrinkled old coot, you live a long life, you hear? And you, his cheapskate grandson; don't you dare forget about me! :'''Joseph Joestar''': Let us meet again! That is if you don't already hate me by then, you stupid jackass! :'''Jotaro Kujo''': I can't ever forget a clown like you even if I tried, you bastard. Take care. ==Part IV, [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond Is Unbreakable|Diamond is Unbreakable]]== === Jotaro Kujo! Meets Josuke Higashikata [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond Is Unbreakable|[3.1]]]=== :'''Jotaro Kujo''': You can have your stupid talk about hair later. :'''Josuke Higashikata''': What were you saying about my hair, huh! :'''Jotaro Kujo''': Wait, Josuke. I wasn't insulting you. (Josuke summons Crazy Diamond's arm) :'''Jotaro Kujo''': (Shit! Here it comes!) (Jotaro uses Star Platinum's arm to punch Josuke in the face) (Josuke spits out blood and kneels down) :'''Jotaro Kujo''': Do you see it, Josuke? This is a stand. It's the physical manifestation of your psychological energy. Joseph Joestar has one too. Stands can only be seen by other stand users. :'''Josuke Higashikata''': It pisses me off so much when someone talks bad about my awesome hair. I can't even help it! (Josuke fully summons Crazy Diamond) :'''Jotaro Kujo''': So this is Josuke's stand! :'''Crazy Diamond''': DORARAAAAA! (Star Platinum attempts to block Crazy Diamond's punch barrage) :'''Crazy Diamond''': DORA! (Crazy Diamond breaks Star Platinum's guard with a powerful punch) :'''Jotaro Kujo''': Th-This power! :'''Josuke Higashikata''': Heh. You're wide open from your chin down! (Crazy Diamond throws a punch) :'''Jotaro Kujo''': Enough! (Crazy Diamond follows through but Jotaro is gone) :'''Josuke Higashikata''': What? (Jotaro appears behind Josuke and his hat warps) :'''Josuke Higashikata''': Why you! When did y- (Jotaro punches Josuke and the group of girls exclaim) :'''Jotaro Kujo''': Shut your mouths and get the hell out of here before that whining bitching makes me angrier! === Josuke Higashikata! Meets Angelo [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond Is Unbreakable|[3.2]]]=== :'''Josuke''': (after fusing Angelo with a stone) Enjoy your eternal penance, Angelo. Reflect on the life you stole from my grandpa and all the others! === The Nijimura Brothers [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond Is Unbreakable|[3.3-3.5]]] === (Okuyasu reveals his stand 「ZA HANDO」) '''Okuyasu:''' Josuke Higashikata! I, Okuyasu Nijimura will make you disappear with my The Hand! '''Okuyasu:''' Here we go! === Koichi Hirose (Echoes) [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond Is Unbreakable|[3.6]]] === === Toshikazu Hazamada (Surface) [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond Is Unbreakable|[3.7]]] === :'''Josuke''': Seriously? There are other Stand users besides us at this school? :'''Tamami''': Yeah. He's Toshikazu Hazamada, a student in 3-C. This Hazamada guy apparently got into an argument over something silly with a friend right around the start of spring. One of them had insulted the other's favorite idol or anime or something. That night, surprisingly, the friend he got into an argument with gouged out his own eye with a mechanical pencil. Isn't that insane? :'''Tamami''': Apparently Hazamada's friend said this at the hospital: "Next thing I knew, I was staring with at my left eye, which I'd gouged out, with my right eye.<ref name="3.7">[http://www.crunchyroll.com/jojos-bizarre-adventure/episode-7-toshikazu-hazamada-show-off-702309 Episode 7 – Toshikazu Hazamada (Show Off)]</ref> <hr width=50%/> :'''Koichi''': There's something scary going on in my town. If Morioh City is in danger, that means my parents, my sister, and everyone else important to me will have to face that danger. So even if it's scary, I gotta do something!<ref name="3.7"/> <hr width=50%/> :''[A high school girl, mistaking Surface's imitation for the real Josuke, hands it a love letter.]'' :'''Hazamada''': Why the hell did you accept that? Rip this stupid thing up! :''[Hazamada rips up the letter.]'' :'''Hazamada''': Damn it... What the hell is the difference between you and me? :'''Surface''': Why does that even matter? :'''Hazamada''': Wha... :'''Surface''': You don't have time to waste, do you? :'''Hazamada''': Who the hell do you think you're talking to?! :''[Hazamada punches Surface in the face, accompanied with a dull thunk. He ends up with a wound on his hand.]'' :'''Hazamada''': ''Ow!'' :'''Surface''': You scraped your hand? That was dumb. I'm made of wood, remember? :''[Hazamada attacks his Stand once more, this time with his bag.]'' :'''Hazamada''': Shut up! Get away from me!<ref name="3.7"/> <hr width=50%/> :''[Hazamada, thinking back on other times he used his Stand to replicate other people.]'' :'''Hazamada''': The other day, I had it copy my crush, Junko, so I could have my way with her, but I got pissed off because it kept doing things to piss me off, so I never even got anywhere. Doesn't anyone in this world have a decent personality? Damn it!<ref name="3.7"/> === Yukako Yamagishi Is In Love [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond Is Unbreakable|[3.8 - 3.9]]] === :'''Hazamada''': Stand users, for some reason, seem to be unknowingly drawn to each other, <ref name="3.7">[http://www.crunchyroll.com/jojos-bizarre-adventure/episode-7-toshikazu-hazamada-show-off-702309 Episode 7 – Toshikazu Hazamada (Show Off)]</ref> <hr width-50%/> :'''Koichi''': Wh... What should I do... To make Yukako think that I'm '''bad''' for her? :'''Josuke''': Well, guys usually dislike... '''"momma's boys"'''. Or, you know, guys with '''bad hygiene'''. :'''Koichi''': D-definitely not that momma's-boy thing! She might do something to my mom, and put her in danger! :'''Okuyasu''': Then we gotta go for the '''bad hygiene''' thing! If you go all out with this, she'll start to hate you for sure! :All right, Koichi! Starting today, don't take baths! And don't brush your teeth, and wear the same underwear every day! And... breed ''lice'' and ''fleas'' in your hair! :'''Koichi''': D... Don't fool around! I'm serious here! :'''Okuyasu''': I'm completely serious too!<ref name="ch296"/> <hr width=50%/> :'''Yukako''': Koichi, you... don't seem to be very well-liked by your friends. But don't worry... I'm here with you...! From now on, I'll stay by your side and '''make you into a "real man"'''! That's why I'm here to take you away!<ref name="ch296"/> <hr width=50%/> :'''Koichi''': <small>B... yeah?</small> :'''Yukako''': '''AHHH! Correct!''' I'm glad! See, you do know this! And here it is, your boiled egg! Here, I'll take the shell off for you... Do you want some salt with it? :'''Koichi''': ''(Phew... she seems to be in a good mood now! Now if only she'll let her guard down so I can leave...)'' :'''Yukako''': By the way, if you had chosen 'A', I would have made you eat this eraser! :'''Koichi''': <big>''HUH?!''</big> :'''Yukako''': Box C had a bar of soap.<ref name="ch297">Vol. 32 Ch.297: ''Yukako Yamagishi Is In Love <small>Part 4</small>''</ref> === Let's go out for Italian [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond Is Unbreakable|[3.10]]] === :'''Josuke''': For the love of God, drop the meat! === Red Hot Chili Pepper [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond Is Unbreakable|[3.11 - 3.12]]] === :'''Akira''': I'm ready for round 2 with Crazy Diamond, but I'll only use my little pinky... just like I did with Okuyasu! ..... :'''Josuke''': If you're planning to use only your pinky in this showdown, then I've got a couple of rules of my own. :'''Akira''': You can take your rules and shove 'em, fool! Rules are wasted on a punk kid like you! (Josuke breaks Akira's pinky with a punch) :'''Akira''': AAAAAAAAAAAGH! YOU DAMN BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU?! :'''Josuke''': Well, you did say that rules are wasted on me. You also said something about bringing me down with your pinky finger. So what's the wannabe rocker Otoishi gonna do now? :'''Akira''': I'll kill you. :'''Josuke''': YOU ALREADY SAID THAT! Don't you have any new material, fool?! === We Picked Up Something Crazy! [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond Is Unbreakable|[3.13]]] === :'''Joseph''': [feeling the baby] Josuke... this is a girl. :'''Josuke''': Yeah, you can tell if it's a boy or a girl by feeling between the legs. :[Both laugh. Beat, then Josuke chases Joseph with his stick] :[the baby falls into a pond and Josuke can't see her] :'''Joseph''': [cuts his hand] Josuke... if this kills me, please give my regards to your mother. I am quite old, after all. :'''Josuke''': What the hell are you doing? :'''Joseph''': Adding color to the water so that we can trace the baby. :[It works, and the baby is found] :'''Josuke''': Why would he do this for a baby, for someone he doesn't even know? :'''Joseph''': I just wanted to look cool, in front of my boy. :[Josuke smiles at his father, and helps him up] === Let's Go Play at the Mangaka's House [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond Is Unbreakable|[3.14-3.15]]] === :'''Josuke''': What the hell... did you say... HUH?!?!?!?! :'''Okuyasu''': Just take it easy, Josuke! :'''Josuke''': I dare you to insult my hair again! :'''Crazy Diamond''': DORARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARA!!!!! :'''Rohan''': Now witness Heaven's Door! I win. (it backfires on him) :'''Okuyasu''': How the...?! :'''Crazy Diamond''': DORARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARA!!!!! :'''Rohan''': How is this happening?! I'm certain his eyes were open and he got a full flash of the manuscript! So why hasn't my Stand ability taken the fact?! :'''Koichi''': We're back to normal! :'''Okuyasu''': You're right! :'''Rohan''': I know I showed him the page... So why? :'''Josuke''': Where the hell did you slither off to?! Get out of here, you punk bitch!!!!! Come on out, you manga-obsessed asshole! I've got a story for ya! :'''Josuke''': '''THERE YOU ARE, MANGA ARTIST!!!!! LAST I CHECKED, I WAS NOT DONE PUNCHING YOU!!!!!!!!!''' === Let's Go 'Hunting'! [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond Is Unbreakable|[3.16]]] === === Rohan Kishibe's Adventure [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond Is Unbreakable|[3.17]]] === === 'Shigechi's' Harvest [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond Is Unbreakable|[3.18-3.19]]] === === Yoshikage Kira Wants a Quiet Life [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond Is Unbreakable|[3.21-3.22]]] === :'''Kira''': (to Shigechi) You can call me Yoshikage Kira. I'm currently 33 years old. Not that you'd care, but I reside in northeast Morioh's villa district. In order to make a living, I work for Kame Yu department stores. After a long day's work, I return home no later than 8 pm. I don't like smoking, but do enjoy the occasional drink. I'm always in bed by 11 pm, and I make it a point to get no less than eight hours of sleep each night. Before bed, I drink a warm glass of milk. It's always coupled with twenty minutes of stretching to decompress from a long work day. Sweet dreams are the usual result of this. I then awake as fresh and recharged as a newborn child, ready to take on the day's challenges, and after my last check-up, I was given a clean bill of health. :'''Shigechi''': What's the big idea? Why are you telling me all this crap? :'''Kira''': For as long as I can remember, I've done everything in my power to live a productive life, that allows me to pursue a lasting inner peace. This may be a foreign concept, but I choose not to concern myself with winning or losing, life's troubles, or enemies who bring sleepless nights. That is how I cope with this backwards life we find ourselves living. It's what brings me happiness in a world fraught with hardship and misery. Of course, if I were ever to engage in combat, I would win the battle without question. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Okuyasu''': Damn, you are so annoying! Fine, search the room! I want you to! Search until you pass out! Go for it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josuke''': For the last time, why would we steal a stupid sandwich?! === Yukako Yamagishi's Vision of Cinderella [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond Is Unbreakable|[3.20]]] === === Sheer Heart Attack [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond Is Unbreakable|[3.23-3.24]]] === :'''Koichi''': Y-You've been hitting it so hard, you're starting to bleed, but it still doesn't have a single scratch on it! :'''Jotaro:''' For the last time, get back Koichi! :'''Koichi''': Now I'm really getting '''''pissed off'''''... Shouldn't this be the ''other way around''? Why was I running around and being all "God help me" just because of some serial killer? '''''I don't get it'''''... Why should I be running in fear like somebody with ''diarrhea'' looking for a ''toilet''? '''''When...''''' <big>''THAT FUCKING '''SERIAL KILLER!'''''</big> '''''HE SHOULD BE THE ONE RUNNING FROM ME!'''''<ref name="ch358">Vol. 38 Ch.358: ''Sheer Heart Attack <small>Part 5</small>''</ref> :'''Waiter''': Evening, sir. I hope everything's all right. Can I help at all? :'''Kira''': No thanks. Bring me the bill. And please allow me to pay for the cup. There's something that needs my attention, so hop to it. ''[takes out his wallet as he notices the weight on his arm]'' This indentation. Why's my left hand so heavy!? ''[His left hand is forced to fall on the table by vandalizing it as he falls on the ground]'' :'''Waiter''': Sir, are you okay!? :'''Kira''': What the hell is this!? My left hand weighs a ton! It feels like there's a massive weight pressing against it! :'''Waiter''': Do you need some assistance, sir? :'''Kira''': No, everything's just fine, really let go. :'''Waiter''': Please, take my hand. :'''Kira''': This weight! ''[Kira grabs the waiter's shirt by ripping it in half all the way to the ground because of his left hand being way to heavy]'' :'''Waiter''': Good heavens, sir. Was it something I said? <hr width=50%/> ''[During the fight between Kira and Koichi, after Kira proceeds to punch and kick the highschooler in the face, before beating his head against the concrete several times.]'' :'''Koichi''': Your&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;name&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;'''Kira Yoshikage,''' right? :'''Kira''': '''!!''' :'''Koichi''': '''''It's Kira Yoshikage.''''' That's...&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;your full...&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;name... :'''Kira''': [Slams Koichi's face into the pavement, once again.] My driver's license.'' When did you steal my wallet? You fucking brat! :'''Koichi''': You said you had to pay extra at the cafe..... You took out your ID and put it in the wrong pocket..... :'''Kira''': ... '''''So what?''''' What are you doing to do now that you have my name? I'm still going to erase you. :'''Koichi''': Sure, you might get away for the time being, but you know what, Kira? I bet your every thought is mocking you for letting a whiny brat unravel the mystery of your name. And if they aren't, I'll do the honors for them: A mulling little high schooler just found you out! YOU'RE SUCH A COLOSSAL DUMBASS! :'''Kira''': ... :'''Koichi''': I'LL BE WAITING FOR YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE, YOU MURDER-HAPPY SON OF A BITCH! :'''Kira''': '''''You damned brat!''''' ''[Kira's [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure#Supernatural Powers|Stand]], Killer Queen, punches a hole directly through Koichi's abdomen, incapacitating him.]'' :'''Kira''': Why does it feel like ''I lost to this little shit?''<ref name="ch361">Vol. 39 Ch.361: ''Sheer Heart Attack <small>Part 8</small>''</ref> <hr width=50%/> ''[After Kira is finished with Koichi, he has a brief conversation with a bloodied and beaten Jotaro]'' :'''Jotaro''': Nice watch you have there. Go ahead and take one last look at it, cause I'm about to bust it up. To be clear, by it, I mean your face. (Manages to hit Kira) Good freaking grief, I take it back. Up close that watch is tacky as hell, although to be fair, that's the least of your worries now. There's something that's gonna look a lot worse than that piece of junk... and that, my friend, is your putrid face. ORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORA! ORA!!! === Atom Heart Father [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond Is Unbreakable|[3.25]]] === === Yoshikage Kira's New Face [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond Is Unbreakable|[3.25]]] === === Janken Boy is Coming! [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond Is Unbreakable|[3.26]]] === === I Am An Alien [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond Is Unbreakable|[3.27]]] === :''[After Okuyasu and Josuke find Mikitaka passed out in the middle of a crop circle, and Mikitaka finally wakes up.]'' :'''Mikitaka''': So, this is Earth? :'''Okuyasu & Josuke''': ................. :'''Mikitaka''': Last night I was taking a walk when suddenly I fell ill... :''[Mikitaka checks his watch.]'' :'''Mikitaka''': It seems I lost consciousness. That would have been... about 13 Earth hours ago. :'''Okuyasu & Josuke''': .............................. :'''Okuyasu & Josuke''': <big>'''''AHH HA HA HA HA HA HA!!'''''</big> :''[The two teenagers begin rolling on the ground in laughter.]'' :'''Okuyasu''': Hahahahaha! This bastard... He's just pulling our legs... hahaha! And in a crop circle too... :'''Josuke''': Damn, I wish I'd thought of this prank! Hahaha!<ref name="ch378">Vol. 40 Ch.378: ''I Am An Alien! <small>Part 1</small>''</ref> <hr width=50%/> :''[After Mikitaka proclaims to Josuke and Okuyasu that he is, in fact, an alien.]'' :'''Okuyasu''': Ahahahaha... :'''Josuke''': Dude, it's cool. You can drop the act now. Keep going and you'll ruin it. Here, have some tissues. :''[Josuke holds out a pack of tissues to Mikitaka. Mikitaka looks at them for a moment, before picking them up and eating them.]'' :'''Mikitaka''': Thank you. It was quite delicious. :'''Josuke and Okuyasu''': ..................<ref name="ch378"/> <hr width=50%/> :''[Josuke and Okuyasu discover that the ice cream shop they normally go to is closed.]'' :'''Mikitaka''': Would you like some ice cream? :'''Okuyasu''': It's that guy... :'''Mikitaka''': Well? Would you like some? :'''Okuyasu''': Well, yeah. But they're closed. It can't be helped. :'''Mikitaka''': Oh no! Helped is something it most certainly can be! I happen to have some with me... :''[Okuyasu and Josuke stare as Mikitaka retrieves two cold ice cream cones from his bag.]'' :'''Mikitaka''': This is to thank you for the tissues. A token of gratitude, if you will. :'''Mikitaka''': Earth seems like a very nice place. I like it.<ref name="ch378"/> <hr width=50%/> :'''Mikitaka''': My name is ''Nu Mikitakazo N'shi''. I have lived 216 of your Earth years. I am employed as an ''intergalactic pilot''. My hobbies include ''caring for animals''.<ref name="ch379">Vol. 40 Ch.378: ''I Am An Alien! <small>Part 2</small>''</ref> === Highway Star [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond Is Unbreakable|[3.28-3.29]]] === ''[When Rohan was subjected to Highway Star's Stand powers.]'' :'''Rohan''': ''Sorry, but I refuse!'' :'''Highway Star''': What!? :'''Rohan''': You should know that one of Rohan Kishibe's pastimes is saying "NO!" to fools who think they're tough shit! So, I'm afraid your meal has been cancelled! === The Cat That Likes Yoshikage Kira [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond Is Unbreakable|[3.30]]] === === The Man on the Tower [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond Is Unbreakable|[3.31-3.33]]] === :'''Mikitaka''': I'll remain with this pylon. This all started because I found it, and this happened because I turned into a wire and climbed all the way up here.<ref name="3.32>[http://www.crunchyroll.com/jojos-bizarre-adventure/episode-32-july-15th-thurs-part-2-720847 Episode 32 – July 15th (Thurs), Part 2]</ref> <hr width=50%/> :'''Mikitaka''': I can be useful, too. I wanted you guys to be proud of me, and that's why I did it. Even though Okuyasu told me to stay out of it. I got what I deserved. :'''Mikitaka''': Please don't worry about me. If I think of it as if it were the inside of a spaceship, it seems quite spacious.<ref name="3.32"/> <hr width=50%/> :'''Mikitaka''': Josuke, I thought you were defeated, but I guess you had already won.<ref name="3.32"/> <hr width=50%/> :''[Referring to Toyohiro.]'' :'''Narrator''': New Morioh landmark: the guy who lives on a pylon. He lives completely self-sufficiently, but if you bring him salt or snacks, he'll be happy and let you take pictures with him. He's a bit shy, so he wears a mask and won't tell you his real name. :'''Josuke''': (impatiently) Yuya, for the last time, where is the scent coming from!? :'''Miyamoto''': I imagined, regardless of Josuke's tough exterior, plopping his mother before his eyes would certainly stir up pangs of dread. === Enigma Boy [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond Is Unbreakable|[3.31-3.33]]] === :'''Terunosuke''': I'm having such fun with the attention you're giving me. The fact that you're giving me attention out of fear, that is.<ref name="3.32"/> === My Dad Is Not My Dad! [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond Is Unbreakable|[3.31-3.32]]] === * '''Kira''': Now, I believe I asked you to tell me your name. * '''Woman''': What did you do to my boyfriend? He was right here before— * '''Kira''': DON'T EVER ANSWER A QUESTION WITH A QUESTION! YOU DID LEARN PROPER ETIQUETTE WHILE YOU WERE IN SCHOOL, NOW DIDN'T YOU?! I'M ASKING YOU TO TELL ME WHAT YOUR NAME IS! * Woman: Minako! My name is Minako! * '''Kira''': [instantly calming down] Minako. Hmm. What a beautiful name your parents bestowed upon you. I approve. [Kills her with Killer Queen] === Cheap Trick [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond Is Unbreakable|[3.31-3.33]]] === === Another One Bites the Dust === :'''Kira''': ''[to Shigechi]'' You can call me Yoshikage Kira. Not that you'd care, but I reside in northeast Morioh's villa district. Also, I've yet to marry. In order to make a living, I work for Kame Yu department stores. After a long day's work, I return home no later than 8 PM. I don't like smoking, but do enjoy the occasional drink. I'm always in bed by 11 PM, and I make it a point to get no less than eight hours of sleep each night. Before bed, I drink a warm glass of milk, it's always coupled with twenty minutes of stretching to decompress from the long work day. Sweet dreams are the usual result of this. I then awake as refreshed and recharged as a newborn child, ready to take on the day's challenges, and after my last checkup I was given a clean bill of health. For as long as I can remember I've done everything in my power to live a productive life that allows me to pursue a lasting inner peace. This may be a foreign concept, but I choose not to concern my self with winning or losing, life's troubles, or enemies who bring sleepless nights. That is how I cope with this backwards life we find ourselves living. It's what brings me happiness in a world fraught with hardship and misery. Of course, if I were ever to engage in combat, I would win the battle without question. <hr width="50%"/> '''Kira:''' Luck has sided with Yoshikage Kira! === Crazy Diamond is Unbreakable === '''Hayato Kawajiri (to Kira):''' Any fate that would side with you... any opportunity that would come your way... is nothing compared to the heart of justice that's here now! <hr width=50%/> '''Kira:''' When I was a child, you’ve heard of Leonardo da Vinci’s Mona Lisa, right? When I saw that painting in an art book, when I first saw that, I don’t know how to put it. Um this is a bit dirty, but… I got an erection… I just cut out the part with her hands and hung it in my room for a while. I want to cut off yours too! My name is Yoshikage Kira! I’ve killed 48 women with beautiful hands up to now. You’re the only one! You’re the only one who will know my identity! <hr width=50%/> '''Kira:''' (while grabbed by the spectral hands) Killer Queen! Make whatever these things explode! (Killer Queen is destroyed while Kira is dragged away) Oh, God, no! Where are they going to take me?! Say something, please! I have to know why they're taking me! What are they going to do?! Free me! ==Part V, [[w:Vento Aureo|Vento Aureo]]== ===Gold Experience=== * '''Giorno''': Luca... Don't make me say the same thing twice. I've told you that I already paid, so I don't have any. So please don't make me say it a third time. * '''Bucciarati''': (Licking Giorno after he lied about having nothing to do with Luca) This taste... Is the taste of someone who's lying! Giorno Giovanna! * '''Bucciarati''': Speak! You know who's responsible. Were you told not to tell anyone? Let's have you tell me who did Luca in. : '''Giorno''' (to Bucciarati): You wouldn't believe me if I told you it was an accident, would you? So I'm going to be disposed of, right? And you came here fully prepared, right? When you're going to dispose of someone, you always prepared for the possibility that you could end up being the one disposed of, right? ===Meet the Gangster Behind the Wall=== : '''Black Sabbath''': You're the one who ignited the flame! I offer two paths, but you must pick the one that leads to salvation! Time to choose: Do you live on and become one of the chosen, or do you recede along the path of death? ===Joining the Familia=== : '''Giorno''' (As the lighter goes out) "Are you shitting me?" <hr width=50%/> : '''Koichi''': "What was that Stand?" : '''Giorno''' "Didn't you see? The murdering kind." <hr width=50%/> : '''Giorno''' (to Black Sabbath): "You told me there were two paths, but sadly, you only have one." <hr width=50%/> : '''Polpo''': If having faith in one's fellow man is paramount, then must be also be true that there's no greater offense to a fellow man then the act of disrespect. Listen carefully. Abusing that trust is unacceptable. Not only does the act dishonor the benefactor of that fragile trust, then it also jeopardizes his very life and livelihood. Money and profit mustn't cloud your judgement. It doesn't matter if you lost a seat at the theatre or even a bus stop. We don't engage in actions that risk one's own life. Conflict's a sport for barbarians. It's a pastime for fools. But, if I or any of my men are disrespected, all bets are off. In the eyes of God, murder is acceptable when one has been disrespected. : '''Polpo''': Did he really kept the flame alight for 24 hours? Or did he relight the lighter and become a Stand User? I don't care either way. Young ones like him can be easily manipulated, we can do whatever we want of him now! (picks up a banana that was a gun that Giorno transformed, resulting in his death.) : '''Giorno''' (thought): ''"In the eyes of God, murder is acceptable when one has been disrespected." I see. What you told me is very important. You disrespected that innocent old man's life. So I changed one of your guns into a banana. You should savor your last meal while you can.'' ===Let's Find Polpo's Fortune!=== :'''Panacotta Fugo''': (stabs Narancia and smashes his face into the table for getting an answer wrong) MEASLY LITTLE PUNK-SHIT! YOU THINK YOU CAN MESS WITH ME?! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO KEEP TEACHING YOU THIS LESSON?! YOU DENSE CAGACAZZO!!! :'''Mista''': Uh-huh, now he's definitely gone off the deep end. Hey, Abbacchio, you gonna eat the rest of that cake or what? ===Express Train to Florence=== :'''Mista''': Guess being stuck inside a turtle has its drawbacks. It's kinda muggy. Hey Narancia, you want a drink, too? Hope you're good with it being cold. There's cola and mineral water, sparkling water, and apple, orange, and pineapple juice. ''[noticing that Narancia's gone deaf]'' Hey, are you listening to me at all?! :'''Narancia''': Huh? You say something, Mista? :'''Mista''': I asked if you wanted something to drink! Though you might wanna try getting some shut-eye! You've seen better days there, man. I'll keep an eye on the ceiling while you rest. :'''Narancia''': Sounds like a plan! I'm actually starting to feel a little achy, anyway. My back and shoulders are killing me, so I think I'll cop a squat. Something warm would sure hit the spot right now, but nothing too heavy. :'''Mista''': For the last time, all we've got in the fridge are cold ones! Come on! Does your brain shut down when you talk to people!? :'''Narancia''': In that case, banana, it is. Yeah. ''[reads the magazine]'' Gardens like these really soothe the soul. Your stress just melts away. So heavenly. Man, oh, man. what I'd give to bask in that Garden of Eden's warm sunshine, just daydreaming about the good old days. :'''Mista''' ''[disgusted]'': Gross! Would you cut that shit out!? Nobody wants your nasty-ass spit on the damn pages! :'''Narancia''': Huh? You're saying I did what now!? There's no way! You're crazy! ''[Narancia coughs up blood and loses one tooth because of the aging]'' :'''Mista''': You're, uh, drooling pretty bad there, man. That is so freaking nasty! The heck is that!? Hey! ===The Grateful Dead=== :'''Bucciarati''': Earlier, I saw nobility and resolve that was hardened like a diamond, shining in your eyes. But you’ve fallen. Now you’re just a piece of shit. :'''Pesci''': Fallen? Fallen, you say?! (Pesci goes to slam Coco Jumbo on the ground) :'''Pesci''': The only ones who are going to fall and get crushed are these bastards! You won't make it in time! I hope you enjoy hell, Bucciarati! (Sticky Fingers is summoned and launches his arm at Pesci, hitting him in the face) :'''Bucciarati''': You're going to fail, no matter what, when you're a piece of shit. (Sticky fingers launches Pesci towards him and retracts his arm) :'''Sticky Fingers''': ARRIARRIARRIARRIARRIARRIARRIARRIARRIARRIARRI! ARRI! (Pesci is split into many pieces) :'''Bucciarati''': "Arrivederci." (Pesci and his many pieces fall into the lake) === White Album === :'''Ghiaccio''': There's only one way to catch these guys. "Leave no stone unturned and think outside the box", they said. I get "leaving no stone unturned". Any idiot would. I mean, who hasn't turned over rocks to find stuff? *begins wrecking his car* BUT WHAT THE HELL IS "THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX" EVEN SUPPOSED TO MEAN?! MAYBE I THINK BETTER IN THERE! DAMN IT! SO MY BRAIN'S IN A BOX NOW?! THAT'S THE DUMBEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD! THINK I'M AN IDIOT, CAZZO?! :'''Ghiaccio''': Everyone knows the capital of France. But English speakers pronounce it "Paris", while most say "Paree", the way it's supposed to be. But somehow, "Venice" has replaced the real "Venezia" as the global standard. Like those stories, The “Merchant of Venice” and “Death in Venice”... WHY?! CALL THE DAMN BOOK “DEATH IN VENEZIA!” IT'S NOT THAT HARD! ARE WE NOT GOOD ENOUGH?! LEARN A LITTLE ITALIAN, PUTTANA, AND CALL THE THING WHAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE! WHAT KIND OF POMPOUS BULLSHIT ARE THEY ON ABOUT?! :'''Giorno''': Mista... Your determination... it shines even brighter than the morning sun. It showed us the way forward. And it's put us on a path toward tomorrow! We've won because of you! :'''Ghiaccio''': '''WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!?!?!''' :'''Gold Experience''': '''MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA!''' :'''Giorno''': Oh, and there's one more thing: Since I'm not actually healing your body, you're still going to have a bit of residual pain. :'''Mista''': GAH! WHAT THE HELL! Do you have to be so rough, Giorno? Take it easy on me, I'm injured! :'''Giorno''': I already told you, there's nothing I can do. Settle down and take it like a Mafioso. Besides, there's about 18 more to go, and you'll have to strip it if you want this to work. (...) :'''Mista''': AAH! GIORNO!! :'''Narancia''': Ah, there they are! Mista! Huh? :'''Mista''': (in a very awkward positioning with Giorno) Would you stop doing so hard?! Ah, leave my damn clothes on, it's too intense! Gah! Woah! OOH! :'''Narancia''': (GASP!) :'''Bucciarati''': Narancia? Did you find them? :'''Narancia''': Huh!? Why, u-uh... No? But...Argh! There's something in my eyes! (covering his eyes) It's so hard to see in this early morning light! I'll keep after it, though! :'''Mista''': Ah, Giorno! No! Stop! Agh! I can't take it anymore! '''NOT SO ROUGH, ''DAMMIIIIIITTT!!!!''''' ===The Final Mission from the Boss=== :'''Bucciarati''' (furious after realizing his boss's intent to kill Trish): This filth's being peddled in my city!? It was supposed to be prohibited! Now the boss is... our damn boss! His wretchedness makes me want to puke! Abusing the weak and innocent is just a means to an end, profiting from the pain and suffering of countless citizens! Coward! You'd do it to your daughter!! You're a fiendish monster!! You're a disgrace, and you've let me down again, but you've done it for the last time!!! ''[summons Zipper Man and punches the floor of the elevator] :'''Bucciarati''': There. Trish is still alive. ''[drops Giorno's Button]'' Good, it stuck. Cazzo. I didn't see his face. At first, I was content with uncovering your identity, but everything's changed. After what you've done, die! Think fast! The boss still assumes that I'm absolutely loyal to him. He'll die by... assassination! I'll ambush him as he tries to escape and kill the bastard. ''[Bucciarati finds Trish's bathroom sink cabinet]'' :'''Bucciarati''': Wait. This is... ''[finds the hole]'' This opening... of course! The demented bastard would hide in a crypt of a church. He thinks he can murder Trish in complete anonymity. His plan must be to pass through the crypt to escape the building on the other side. ''[Bucciarati enters the boss' lair]'' :'''Bucciarati''': But I'm lying in wait. There! In position. Now! :'''Diavolo''': Leave this place, Bruno Bucciarati. If you emerge from that pillar, you will die. ===The Mystery of King Crimson=== :'''Diavolo''': Your rationale intrigues me. Just what were you thinking? I had a great deal of respect for your excellence and devotion to the mission until now. Was your judgment clouded by your promotion to Capo? Or, did your hubris seduce you into thinking you had the power and ability to overtake me? :'''Bucciarati''': Once Trish regains consciousness, I'll be sure to let her know you never existed! :'''Diavolo''': Trish, you say? Why bring her into this dispute? My daughter is of no concern to you and your ilk. :'''Bucciarati''': Demon! You could never understand what's in my heart! :'''Diavolo''': Think of this as a gift. A farewell gift from the heart. In a moment, you will cease to exist, so I will allow you to know now. What you witnessed and felt, was your future self laid bared! Simply put, your past self saw a future version. Now behold, know the almighty power of King Crimson! I obliterated time then leapt beyond it! It doesn't matter who it is, I shall never allow any cretin to threaten my eternal transcendence. Not. Ever. The time has come for you to fade away! Bucciarati, your mission as protector has been terminated. Now may the fires of hell embrace you! <hr width=50%/> : '''Leone Abbacchio''': Fugo's absolutely right. What you did is basically suicide. No matter where in the world you might run to, you'll never find a safe haven again. Besides, I pledged my loyalty to the organization. It's not like I pledged my loyalty to you. That being said... I never had a home or place I wanted to go. The only time I'm ever at ease... is when I'm with you, Bucciarati. ===Clash and Talking Head=== :'''Random rich guy''': (after Narancia spilled wine on his suit) What are you gonna do about this, you little shit!? You think you can pay for this!? This suit cost four million lire! Let's take this outside!! :'''Narancia''': (smacks the guy with a wine glass) Then you must be the enemy! :'''Mista''': What!? (He and Narancia proceed to stomp on the guy after he hits the ground, joined by Abbacchio after taking a slip of his wine while watching them.) :'''Abbacchio''': (Stops kicking) Hold on, Narancia, Mista. I don't think this one's an enemy. He's unconscious. He's most definitely not an enemy. :'''Narancia''': Wha!? Seriously!? Crap, what do I do now!? :'''Mista''': Yep, the stain's going to be hard to clean. One single drop of red wine on a white suit really stands out. :'''Narancia''': I can't pay for this shit! :'''Mista''': Well, the location of the stain might make it look like a button. If he puts a button here, he can hide it. :'''Abbacchio''': (feeds the guy their meals) While we're at it, let's get him to make sure there isn't any poison in our food... ===Green Day and Oasis=== :'''Giorno''': You were close. I drew out my speech in order to buy myself time. The bullet tore a hole to your head still had to mature, before eventually making its way back to the initial wound. The shrapnel that drew it was lodged in your skull and returned to its original form as a beetle, one whose growth I happened to accelerate greatly with Gold Experience when I aimed for the propellers. I wanted to be certain you were completely neutralized meaning I had to finish you off, whether or not I can still hear a heartbeat. :'''Cioccolata''': (his head is still bleeding after a stag beetle tore through it) But.. but you said... that if I just stayed still... that I-I would...still m-make it out of this alive... :'''Giorno''': Oh, give me a break. If you really thought I was being serious, then you're the worthless fool. I don't spare pieces of shit. :'''Cioccolata''': (angered at what Giorno just called him) WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?! :'''Gold Experience''': MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA! MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA! MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA! MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA! WRYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA! :'''Cioccolata''': (pain noises) :'''Gold Experience''': MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA! MUDA! ===His Name is Diavolo=== :'''Diavolo''': (confronting Polnareff) Fascinating how the past can wriggle its way back, not matter how many pieces I may cut it up into. You amaze me, I'd never thought I would deal with the same vermin more than once. : '''Polnareff''': Walk up those steps and see what happens, asshole! I have the high ground while you're stuck way down there ===The Requiem Quietly Plays=== :'''Diavolo''': No one can escape the fate that was chosen for them. All that remains is the end, where you all will perish. Eternal greatness exists only within myself. Sing a song of sorrow in a world where time has vanished. :'''Bucciarati''': (in Diavolo's body) Narancia, how does our perimeter look? Are you able to detect anyone coming? Narancia? :'''Mista''': (in Trish's body) Please. I'm begging you. Just one more bullet. Please just drop one more! You're driving me nuts! :'''Trish''': (in Mista's body) What the hell? Why couldn't I feel his soul like I usually do? It doesn't make any sense! :'''Giorno''': (in Narancia's body) Out of the way! Move! Let me through! Now! :'''Polnareff''': Damn it, no! That's impossible! How on Earth could he have---?! :'''Bucciarati''': (in Diavolo's body) Mista, scan the area right now! Make sure there's no one around! :'''Mista''': (in Trish's body) Narancia! Bucciarati, hurry up and get him down from there! Don't just leave him like that! Do something, goddammit! :'''Giorno''': (in Narancia's body) You need to settle down! Let me handle this! :'''Bucciarati''': (in Diavolo's body) Please, stay focused and keep your gun at the ready! He'll attack again! We have to find him before he does, quick! Go, Sticky Fingers! :'''Mista''': (in Trish's body) Heal him! Hold those damn bars out of there and get to work now! :'''Trish''': (in Mista's body; monologue) (The people outside the colosseum are waking up, so where is he? I can't sense him at all. It's like he's gone. What else could have happened? There's no way in hell he just went and vanished like that!) :'''Bucciarati''': (in Diavolo's body) King Crimson's range is two or three meters at most. How then did he attack us from way over there? :'''Mista''': (in Trish's body) Well, all right! You did it! Narancia's awake! Welcome back, you little bastard! How are you feeling? Geez, you really scared us. :'''Giorno's spirit''': I'm sorry, Mista. There's no one left in here. It's empty. The physical wounds he suffered have healed, but still, Gold Experience couldn't get to him in time. He was... He was already gone. Narancia's... not here... :'''Giorno''': (in Narancia's body) His form... he's just an empty vessel now. I can't find him. His soul has left. There's nothing here, try as I might, I can't bring him back. I wasn't fast enough. My soul could just slip right back in if it wanted, it could inhabit both bodies without a problem, not even one. He's that empty. (Giorno's soul transfers back to his own body while Narancia falls unconscious, dying as his soul was already passed on.) :'''Mista''': (in Trish's body) '''NARANCIA!!!!!!!!!!''' :'''Giorno''': It was all so sudden... None of us could have guessed... (Mista lets out a second cry) :'''Giorno''': Stay put, okay? We’ll be right back. You’ll be safe here. I won’t let anyone hurt you again. I promise. And don’t you worry. When it’s over, we’ll bring you home. === King of Kings === :'''Bucciarati’s spirit''': (before departing to the afterlife) When I met you back home in Naples, when I betrayed the organization... My soul had been fated to slowly die, but it was reborn, thanks to you. This is what true happiness is. This is how it should be. Don't worry about it. Please give everyone my regards. :'''Giorno''': (to Diavolo) The only thing that will survive is the truth of this world. Righteous actions born of truth shall never be destroyed. My friends may have perished, but their actions and wills have not been destroyed. They handed this arrow to me. So, are your actions born of truth, or are they merely superficial, born of evil? :'''Diavolo''': A little boy like you should learn to temper his bravado, lest he's punished! I'll even strip you of any chance to regret your actions, you brat! Go, King Crimson! (Time will now be obliterated for all but me! Excellent! I can see his stand's movements! His machinations have been laid underneath there! Talentless roaches! At least try to surprise me! Amazing how little it takes to totally neutralize your greatest power! Poor fools! I almost feel sorry for you! Never again will you witness the immaculate brilliance of King Crimson! The truth of my strength will forever be lost to you! At last, I've won! In the end, I'm still faster! You knew powers couldn't stop me from ripping out your heart! The future can only hold one of us and it has chosen me! '''NOW DISAPPEAR!!!!!!''') (As King Crimson tries to finish off Giorno, everything rewinds to prevent Diavolo's predicted victory) But how? Damn it, what now? How is he reversing the time I obliterated? That shouldn't be possible! No, stop! It's all reverting back to normal! But still, the premonition clearly shows me emerging the victor! '''SO PERISH, GIORNO GIOVANNA!!!!!!!''' What the---? (repeating loop of "What the---?") (What is this? What the hell is happening to me? Perhaps this is an illusion. That cur somehow pulled one over my head... or did he? The only thing that can move within periods of warped time... should be me!) :'''Gold Experience Requiem''': (after rewinding everything to prevent Diavolo’s victory in frozen time) The answer, is plain... truth. Your eyes are not deceiving you. What you see is very real. Playing out before you are the results of your actions. However, though you might be able to witness the truth. You can never hope to reach it. Your powers are immaterial. It doesn't matter who you are. No one could ever overcome this barrier. Behold, Gold Experience Requiem's true strength! Its nature remains as secret even to my user, Giorno Giovanna. :'''Diavolo''': ...lest he's punished! I'll even strip you of any chance to regret your actions, you brat! (Wait, that--- Right before--- But I--- How dare you?! Only I may bend time! Oh, no, but premonitions always become reality! The future has already been written: King Crimson is bound for victory!) :'''Gold Experience Requiem''': '''MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA :'''MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA!''' (10 seconds of MUDA) :'''Diavolo''': '''GUAAAHH!''' :'''Gold Experience Requiem''': You're going to stay right where you are. It's the price you must pay... the truth. You'll never come to experience its mercy! :'''Diavolo/King Crimson''': '''I'LL KILL YOU!!!!!!!''' :'''Gold Experience Requiem''': '''MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA! MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA!''' (GER spins to wind up a punch) :'''Gold Experience Requiem''': '''MUDA!''' (GER punches Diavolo into the air and poses) :'''Diavolo''': '''UUUAAAHHHH!''' === Gold Experience Requiem === :'''Mista''': Guys, I’m totally serious! Just hear me out! :'''Narancia''': (impatient) Aww, geez! For the last time Mista, no one gives a shit! :'''Mista''': No, listen! This is a good one. I promise you. Gentlemen, let me ask you all, do you think human flesh would taste like crap or would it actually rock? :'''Fugo''': Could you maybe not ruin our appetites? :'''Narancia''': (furious) What the hell goes on in that messed up head of yours! That’s it!! Go sit at a dipshit table! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mista''': Damn, our boy actually did it! You and that arrow kicked major ass! It still beats the hell out of me what Gold Experience whatchamacallit's actual powers are, but the point is, that bastard's dead now! :'''Trish''': Hold it. Don't rejoice yet. I don't see his body anywhere. :'''Mista''': Huh? :'''Trish''': No! Damn! How the hell did he manage to get away?! :'''Mista''': Oh, shit! :'''Trish''': Don't just stand there, Giorno! Help us look! Which way did he go?! We have to find him quick! I can pick up traces of his aura! He's still lurking around! We can't rest until we find him! :'''Giorno''': Trish, take a breath now. It's okay. :'''Trish''': What? :'''Giorno''': There's nothing to look for anymore. He won't ever be back. Even though I couldn't witness Requiem at work myself. Something deep in my soul tells me our job is done. Nothing will ever come within his putrid reach again, not even the truth of his ultimate fate will grace him. His own death will remain a mystery to him for all eternity. It's over. :'''Trish''': But we didn't finish him! :'''Giorno''': His end is without end. That is Gold Experience Requiem's judgment! <hr width=50%/> :'''Diavolo''': Bungling amateurs...In the end, you failed to kill me. Unsurprising. But still...something troubles me: My premonition clearly showed that I would be one to prevail...so why? What twisted powers did Requiem give him? When I get my hands on you, you'll pay! But first things first, I must break free from this damn current! Heheheheheh. Excellent...my luck is turning... (Diavolo gets pushed back as blood flows out of his torso) :'''Drugged killer''': Nice try, cazzone! D-Don't you... s-snatch my coat! I'll cut you I swear! Just try me, I'll serve you like a deli slice! Hehehehehe! What's wrong? You curious? I think you think I won't do it? Think again, bitch! Hehe, hahahahahahah! I'll show you, dumbass! Hehehehe! I'll poke ya full of holes, ya weird strawberry with legs! :'''Diavolo''': (sees his hand covered in blood and gets knocked back, lying on the ground in pain) W-what...did you!? :'''Drugged killer''': Come on!! :'''Diavolo''': This can't... (coughs up blood) What is this...? :'''Drugged killer''': It's my coat, ya bitch! :'''Diavolo''': I-I cant...I can't move! (coughs up more blood) Why the hell can't I move...? (coughs up more blood) Please help, somebody! :'''Drugged killer''': It's my coat... You ain't never gonna get it... :'''Diavolo''': (after being fatally stabbed by a drug addict as the start of his endless loop of dying) This can't be how I die...I-I-I-I'm Diavolo! A common hoodlum couldn't possibly be my undoing! That doesn’t make any sense! (Notices the drug addict about to kill him) '''''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!''''' :'''Diavolo''': (found himself inside the hospital after his first death) Where am I? Hold on... how did I get on this table? Just a moment ago, I barely managed to escape the river... :'''Doctor''': Let's see... procedural date is the 25th. Time 11:20 a.m. File Number 68. Acting Physician, Dr. Monica Ultello here. The deceased looks to be an adult male, 30-40 years old. Identity is unknown. Condition of his skin suggests time of death was 48 to 50 hours ago. Commencing autopsy to find out cause of death. :'''Diavolo''': Enough of this! I won't play your sick game! :'''Monica''': The body was discovered in close proximity to the river... (Diavolo: Are you deaf, woman? I demand you explain yourself now! HEY, LADY!) (Dr. Monica Ultello grabs a scalpel) :'''Diavolo''': Ugh! Not again... W-Why can't I move?... The hell did you do to me?! I'm talking to you, don't ignore me! Who do you think you are? Put that thing away! (Dr. Monica Ultello dissects his chest) :'''Diavolo''': '''GAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!''' Dammit... why am I just letting this happen? The pain... IT'S UNBEARABLE! Somebody help! :'''Monica''': Cause of death is a laceration to the liver, likely caused by a knife. The lack of hesitation wounds means this was not suicide. I'll open up his abdomen and check, just to be sure. (Dr. Monica Ultello pulls out Diavolo's liver) :'''Monica''': His liver is in good health, the color's excellent. (Dr. Monica Ultello grabs a bone cutter and starts dissecting Diavolo's abs) :'''Diavolo''': <big>'''''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!'''''</big> :'''Diavolo''': (found himself outside the street) Thank God. Was it all just a horrible nightmare? No, this isn't where I was... (The traffic light goes green as Diavolo watches the cars pass on the street) :'''Diavolo''': Hold on, now. What time is it? Where am I? Last I recall, I'd been thrown into the Tiber... Then there was that terrible pain... I can still feel the cold steel... It was far too real to be a damnable dream! But... how am I still alive? :'''Old man''': Excuse me. You okay there, sir? You really shouldn't sit there. If you need medical attention, I can call an ambulance. (The old man's pet dog starts barking at Diavolo) :'''Old man''': Back off, girl! (Diavolo tries to get away from the dog, but trips at the edge of the sidewalk as an oncoming car arrives) :'''Diavolo''': What is this madness? None of this makes sense! How could I meet such an undignified end? Don't tell me... this is... (Diavolo lands on the tarmac as the car gets closer) :'''Diavolo''': No! '''WHAT HAVE YOU WROUGHT ON ME, GOLD EXPERIENCE REQUIEM?!''' (The car runs Diavolo over) :'''Little girl''': You're sitting funny, mister. Does your tummy hurt? :'''Diavolo''': (found by a curious girl after his most recent death) How...how many deaths must I die!? What'll happen to me next?! How much longer do I have to wait for the end?! (Notices the girl approaching him) Stay back! Leave me be! Don't come closer... <big>'''''STAY AWAY!!!!!!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''</big> === The Sleeping Slave === :'''Scolippi''': Michelangelo, who shines upon the apex of History, once said "When I sculpt marble, I have no idea in my mind. The form of the stone shall be sculpted into has already been set. All my hands do is bring that form out from within the stone." Michelangelo said that he did not think about the ultimate form of the stone as he sculpted. Fate had already embedded it within the stone. He was an artist who could see Fate as he sculpted. That form of Bucciarati was not sculpted by me, and it was not sculpted by your bullets either. That is its fated form... that statue was bleeding from a hole in its chest, wasn't it? I don't know whether it will take a few days or a few months... but that is how Bucciarati will die in the near future. We are all slaves of Fate. That is the meaning of my ability, Rolling Stones. :'''Scolippi''': (about the fate awaiting Bucciarati’s group) Perhaps their perils will serve some great purpose and bring hope to someone. I cannot pray for their safety, but I will pray that they are sleeping slaves...Sleeping slaves who will find meaning once they awaken. ==Part VI, [[w:Stone Ocean|Stone Ocean]]== === Stone Ocean === :'''Jolyne''': (When Romeo asks for her alcohol while driving) ‘No’ means ‘No’, so no. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ermes''': (After hearing Jolyne’s embracing story and seeing her deduction skills) You’re one interesting chica. So, what are you in for? :'''Jolyne''': I’m innocent… === Stone Free === :'''Gwess''': (After getting Jolyne to put on a hollowed-out rat):Even though I said you can't speak, you can still say cute things. Like "I wanna walk", "I'm hungry", and "Good night". Got it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jolyne''': (After her Stand punches Gwess) Good freaking grief Gwess, shut up and listen. You said everything has a name, didn’t you? Then I’ll give mine a name too. It’ll be Stone Free. cuz somehow, I’m gonna free myself from this sea of stone. Did you hear me? STONE FREE! That what I’ll call it! (Stone Free proceeds to pummel Gwess) ORA-ORA-ORA-ORA-ORA! === The Visitor === :'''Johngalli''': Meteorologists say the wind's movements are unpredictable. They have a point, but it’s not impossible. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jotaro Kujo''': I've always... cherished you. === Ermes’s Stickers === :'''Thunder McQueen''': I feel like dying. (hangs himself) :'''Ermes''': What the Hell!? <hr width=50%/> :'''Ermes''': Whenever someone says "This Monday was a bad day," they'll say to themselves that "Saturday will be better." That's how we continue to live! No one lives a life of only Mondays! :'''Thunder McQueen''': I was arrested on a Saturday. :'''Ermes''': ... === Debt Collector Mary Lynn Manson === :''[Foo Fighters, Ermes, and Jolyne are playing catch.]'' :'''F.F.''': I'm gonna throw it! :'''Jolyne''': You've never actually thrown a ball before, have you? :'''Ermes''': HAH! Easy to tell, too! You probably only know what a ball is from that chica’s memories! <hr width=50%/> :'''Miraschon''': My name is Miraschon, prisoner number FE26789. You're at 87 throws, right? Your little game of catch, I'm willing to bet that it won't last 100 throws.. <hr width=50%/> :''[After Hermes loses the bet against Miraschon.]'' :'''Mary Lyn Manson''': (after ripping out Ermes concealed dollars and then her liver) If you sell this liver to the black market, it will cover the rest of your debt... 590 dollars! This is what you, Ermes, have just contemplated. I found out where to find the money you owe me from your thought, so that I can obtain it. (Notices Jolyne and F.F about to attack) Ermes here has just broken the rules that you established, and therefore has lost the bet. No one can attack me... Ermes has acknowledged in her heart that she is in debt. I am just here to collect that debt. This is my ability. === Operation Savage Guardian === :'''Jolyne''': (affected by Land Ranger’s Stand) I... I don't know why this happened so suddenly, but, uh, You know it could happen to anyone! Even the pope probably doesn't have control over this! :'''Weather Report''': What are you talking about? :'''Jolyne''':: You know, There's that thing, "number 1" and "number 2", has to do with bowel movements, the one that starts with a p!! I might do it in my pants! I'm really glad it's not "number 2", but it's still a natural urge! It must have something to do with zero-gravity. If we don't solve this, it's gonna be bad, in a different sense! <hr width=50%/> :'''Lang Ranger ''': (to Jolyne while destroying her cloud suit) I'm gonna carve an epitaph on the flesh of your corpse, with shards of glass reeking of piss! === Torrential Downpour Warning === :'''Pucci:''': (calming himself down while keeping poison dar frogs fro touching his skin) 23, 28... no, it was 29... 29, 31, 37. Shit! There are frogs on my 800 dollar pants! === Burn, Dragon's Dream === :'''Jolyne Kujo''': (to Kenzo while making gestures at him) American style. French style. Japanese style. Italian. Specifically Naples style. The world's fingers for “screw you”. === Bohemian Rhapsody === :'''Anasui''': Look at this, Weather. What a crappy guidebook! None of the characters are on it! I want to see Disney characters goddammit! Where the f*ck is [[Mickey Mouse|Mickey]]? === Heavy Weather === :''[While Jolyne and Ermes are attempting to escape the snail-infested hospital.]'' :'''Jolyne''': An organism that can have sex with anything it encounters... I'm kinda jealous. I mean... No, no! It's just gross!<ref name="ch724">Vol. 78 Ch.724: ''Heavy Weather <small>Part 6</small>''</ref> <hr width=50%/> :'''Weather Report''': I see... Guess it could be useful for fixing joint and back pains... becoming a snail, that is. But if you don't want it to happen to you, Anasui... You shouldn't touch those snails... or the rainbows, either. :'''Anasui''': Is this your fault, Weather?! '''What the fuck are you doing?!'''<ref name="ch727">Vol. 78 Ch.727: ''Heavy Weather <small>Part 9</small>''</ref> <hr width=50%/> :''[Pucci begins to emerge from under a large pile of snails.]'' :'''Pucci''': I already know all about it. This phenomenon, turning anything, man or beast, into snails... As long as I know the reason for it... :'''Anasui''': Huh? :'''Pucci''': ''I have nothing to fear!!'' :''[Pucci stands up, his Stand, Whitesnake, emerging with him.]'' :'''Pucci''': When I took your memory from you, back in 1988... I managed to find out the way I can overcome this phenomenon! :'''Weather Report''': B... Bastard! :'''Anasui''': N...No way...! He was hiding under that mass of snails! <big>'''You! Pucci!!!'''</big> :''[Anasui moves to attack Pucci, who holds his hand up with the sun shining behind him. The snails begin to move, launching themselves off of the car towards Anasui.]'' :'''Anasui''': (What?! The snails... From the car window?!) :''[Anasui uses his Stand, Diver Down, to try and deflect the onslaught of snails.]'' :'''Pucci''': So, you touched it. Then, it's all over for you. You should have stayed out of my business... And away from Jolyne Cujoh. You could have peacefully waited for your sentence to end... Well, I suppose I could leave you... All of you will eventually die as snails, anyway. Besides me and Weather, of course...<ref name="ch727"/> <hr width=50%/> :'''Pucci''': Subliminal effects are all in the mind. But, humans can age faster just by willing themselves to do so... And give themselves ulcers just by being stressed. Once the heart is impacted by this effect, it doesn't matter how hard one struggles to block it out of his mind. You would understand... You're a Stand user, after all. If I were to start filming what's going on right now... The people of this town would only see themselves as snails, rolling in the filth that they created, thinking that ''that'' is the truth. This phenomenon will continue as long as Weather is alive... and besides, Weather, you would have eventually noticed that I had taken my own ability to see. That's why I took the time to explain this ability to you.<ref name="ch729">Vol. 78 Ch.729: ''Heavy Weather <small>Part 11</small>''</ref> <hr width=50%/> :'''Anasui''': Listen, Jolyne. People have called me a murderer. The papers called me that, and I can't say I disagree with them. When people asked me if I would sacrifice myself for the sake of my family, I answered 'no'. I'd probably answer that way, even now. My heart was never moved by them. But I know that I'd be willing to risk my life for something that was able to revive me. I used to be dead. Weather was that way, too. Weather came back to life when he left that prison. I can tell. So don't think too deeply about what happened to him. These past few days, Weather was happy. '''Weather was already saved.'''<ref name="ch731">Vol.79 Ch.731: ''Heavy Weather <small>Part 13</small></ref> === C-Moon === :'''Pucci''': Our Lord Jesus Christ was fated to be put on the cross. Our holy mother Mary was fated to lose her son. In order for humans to attain 'happiness', they have to overcome 'destiny'... And for Dio and I, the thing we must overcome is the Joestar bloodline!<ref name="ch737">Vol. 79 Ch. 737: ''C-Moon <small>Part 3</small>''</ref> <hr width=50%/> :'''Jotaro''': Did he '''dodge''' the spear...?! But how..? :'''Jolyne''': He's not just trying to get away... It can't be... Did he find out something that we shouldn't have let him know find out...?! The way to complete his ability... :'''Pucci''': You were the ones who have been '''pushing''' me. Ever since you were in prison, you have been '''aiding''' me. Our Father, who art in Heaven, guide me... Watch over me. so I may not walk the wrong path... I will give myself to your will. '''I can feel it!''' :''[A shining light begins to emanate from Pucci and his Stand.]'' :'''Pucci''': I can sense the '''position'''! When Jotaro threw the spear, I felt it... his actions directed me the right way! The ones who were pushing me to 'Heaven' were the Joestars!<ref name="ch742">Vol. 80 Ch. 742 ''C-Moon <small>Part 8</small>''</ref> === Made In Heaven === :''[While fleeing from Pucci.]'' :'''Anasui''': Over here, Mr. Jotaro. Get up on the roof... Also... I'm determined to protect your daughter, with my life. We're already involved in something we can't back out of... But I'm going to make sure that we come out of this alive... So please, give me permission to marry your daughter.<ref name="ch744">Vol. 80 Ch.744: ''Made In Heaven <small>Part 2</small>''</ref> :''[Anasui and Jotaro now perch on the roof of one of the Kennedy Space Center's buildings. Emporio, Hermes, and Jolyne are behind them, facing away from the duo.]'' :'''Jotaro''': You... what did you just say? :'''Anasui''': What I mean, Mr. Jotaro, is that... I want your permission, here and now. To marry your daughter... :'''Jotaro''': You... :'''Anasui''': I know this isn't the time, but... All you have to do is give me permission. If you say 'yes'... those words could save me. I... You know, I didn't expect to just immediately be able to marry Jolyne... It's true that I'm a murderer, I don't deny it, and I also know.. that Jolyne won't fall in love with me just like that. But... Jolyne's strong will and pure heart, that she inherited from you, her father, is the light that shines on the darkness of my heart, which could collapse at any moment! :''[Anasui brings his face close to Jotaro's.]'' :'''Anasui''': She's what I need, right now...! You don't have to say much... just that you'll let me. I want you to let me reveal my heart! I need you to let me marry her once we get out of here alive! :'''Jotaro''': I don't understand what you're talking about. Are you insane? Babbling, in this situation... :'''Anasui''': ............<ref name="ch745">Vol. 80 Ch.745: ''Made In Heaven <small>Part 3</small>''</ref> <hr width="50%/> :'''Pucci''': In the name of God, I will destroy you! Your actions, Emporio... You're just... Making it so your screams become the trumpets of Hell! Even if you insert Weather's Stand disc, Weather's ability is his own talent! :''[The clock on the wall begins to speed up, ticking so fast that the arrows begin to blur. The flowers next to it rapidly wilt, the dried and decaying petals falling onto Emporio's mortified face.]'' :'''Pucci''': And! I've '''accelerated time''' again! In front of my honorable ambitions... :''[''Made In Heaven'' begins to attack Emporio with a flurry of punches.]'' :'''Pucci''': '''Realize your insignificance as you crumble away!'''<ref name="ch752">Vol. 80 Ch.752: ''What a Wonderful World''</ref> <hr width=50%/> :''[In the remade universe, after a woman and man resembling Jolyne and Anasui come across a stranded Emporio, who remains from the original universe.]'' :'''Irene''': What's your name? Come on, get in! I'm not going to take your money. You're trembling, are you cold? :''[Emporio notices the birthmark on Irene's shoulder, and realizes that she's this universe's version of Jolyne.]'' :'''Irene''': Here. :''[Irene wraps her sweater around Emporio's shoulders. Emporio tears up, and begins to cry.]'' :'''Emporio''': I'm Emporio... :'''Irene''': Hm? :'''Emporio''': Emporio. My name... '''my name is Emporio'''.<ref name="ch752"/> ==Part VII, [[w:Steel Ball Run|Steel Ball Run]]== === Interim === :'''Mountain Tim''': What's this fury I'm feeling all of a sudden? So such a thing was present during the race... Don't worry, feel at ease... I can't possibly win the race now. In this race, I have many friends who are also participating. But up until now, I've never seen anything like this before... such a killing method! However, I have heard a legend about similar deaths... There's an old Indian legend that tells about a spot where a shooting star fell somewhere in the Arizona desert. There lies tainted soil. It is said that anything that touches the spot, will suddenly be able to pull out a '''''mysterious power''''' from its own. At the same time, though, evil spirits will call out a curse upon them. None of the natives of the land will dare step foot there. One day, a white man looking for emerald ore stepped into the spot and started to walk home. It is said that afterwards, he began to kill others in a similar fashion. And afterwards, as if possibly realizing his own sinfulness, he shot himself.<ref name="ch765">Vol. 83 Ch.765: ''The Sheriff's Request to Mountain Tim''</ref> === Tusk === :'''Gyro''': Have you ever seen an '''opera''' show? An '''opera'''... :'''Johnny''': Opera? Those '''music''' plays? Where they start singing out situations when they could just say their lines? ...Nope, never seen one. Why do you ask? :'''Gyro''': Just a simple question. :''[Gyro holds up his pair of binoculars.]'' :'''Gyro''': They call these '''opera glasses''' because you use them for watching an opera. But the people singing on stage have huge bodies that weigh like 120 or 150 kilograms or more. :'''Johnny''': Yeah... that's why they can sing like that I guess. :'''Gyro''': But why look at them with opera glasses? You don't need to, '''cause they're already so big'''. :''[Johnny grins, and soon Gyro follows suit. Gyro holds up the binoculars, looking out over the desert through them.]'' :'''Gyro''': Maybe you're supposed to zoom into the buttons on their fancy clothes, and watch them as they're about to fly off...? :'''Johnny''': Now that you mention it... but dude! Since they all have the same body type, maybe you can't tell the difference unless you zoom in?! :'''Gyro''': ''Nyohohahohahaha!! Not bad, Johnny!!''<ref name="ch777">Vol. 85 Ch.777: ''Tusk <small>Part 1</small>''</ref> === Scary Monsters === :'''Diego''': There's a small villiage up ahead... let's stay there. Camping out is a bad idea. There are beasts out in this area. The other day after sundown, I got surrounded by beasts. A few cougars and a few rattlesnakes. The cougars and snakes were on two sides of the road, blocking my way out. I was thinking of how to escape... but then, for some reason, I was able to pass through on one side of the road. I was able to get by one of the two groups easily. Which side do you think it was? The cougars? Or the snakes? :'''Gyro and Johnny''': ........ :'''Diego''': The answer is the rattle snakes! Because they were... '''''assssssssssleep'''''... and '''''sssssssssnoring''''' on the road! :'''Gyro:''' Huh? :'''Johnny''': ........................... :'''Diego''': Hey, come on, it's a joke! Only a joke! What did you think? Then maybe they woke up and started ssssssssssslapping each other.... in their facessssssss! Get it? :'''Johnny''': .....<ref name="ch780">Vol. 86 Ch.780: ''Scary Monsters <small>Part 1</small>''</ref> <hr width=50%/> :''[While Johnny and Gyro are first being attacked by Diego in dinosaur form.]'' :'''Gyro''': '''He's getting up! My steel balls won't hit him! We gotta run! ''Hurry and get outside, Johnny!''''' :''[Gyro slams the door shut, but Diego's claws fit through the space between the door and the wall. Gyro and Johnny slam it back shut.]'' :'''Johnny''': What is this!? This '''Stand ability!!''' What kind of ability is it? :'''Gyro''': It's a dinosaur, Johnny! It looks like Dio's body has fused with a '''dinosaur's''' ability! :'''Johnny''': '''Dino-sore?''' What's a dinosore? :'''Gyro''': You don't know?<ref name="ch781">Vol. 86 Ch.781: ''Scary Monsters <small>Part 2</small>''</ref> <hr width=50%/> :''[After absorbing one of the Corpse's eyes, a half-transformed Diego looks back at Johnny and Gyro. A mechanical-looking figure that slightly resembles one of Gyro's steel balls can be seen in the distance for a few panels.]'' :'''Johnny''': What's going on!? What does that mean!? Dio's dinosaur transformation hasn't gone away! Dio was under the control of '''Ferdinand'''!! We have to chase him or he'll take away that eye! :'''Gyro''': Stop, Johnny... It's over now, calm down. We can't chase him here. Dio got us at the very end... or maybe we should say he got the '''eye''' and its power brought back the dinosaur transformation that had disappeared as his '''talent'''. '''Half''' to my '''steel ball'''... '''half''' to Dio's '''Stand ability''' is what it seems. :'''Johnny''': The ability of the '''dinosaur'''... Dio Brando may not have been a terrorist... but if he has one of the eyes, he'll want the other! At this point he's found out about the '''Corpse'''...... I can't believe he took '''half'''... He doesn't just desire victory! He longs for '''authority''' and '''eliteness'''!<ref name="ch783">Vol. 87 Ch.783: ''Scary Monsters <small>Part 4</small>''</ref> <hr width=50%/> :''[After a suspenseful battle of Johnny, Gyro, and Diego racing neck to neck, Johnny crosses the goal line first, followed by Diego and then Gyro.]'' :'''Announcer''': At this point, the '''4th stage''' has already begun! Johnny Joestar is the one who conquered the deadheat battle just now, but an hour ago, '''Hot Pants''' had already passed through the finish line to take 1st place! :''[The stage's scoreboard is shown, with Hot Pants' name at the time. Hot Pants had indeed finished an hour before the others, placing Hot Pants in first.]'' :'''Gyro''': What the...?<ref name="ch784">Vol. 87 Ch.784: ''Third Stage: Cannon City''</ref> === A Man's World === :'''Hot Pants''': I've lost nearly an hour here. No matter which path I take, I come back to this spot! The ''plums'' grown here in this orchard contain a lot of iron... That could be the reason why my compass doesn't seem to be pointing in the right direction. :'''Johnny''': Hot Pants, don't come any closer! We're thinking that you could be tricking us!! :'''Hot Pants''': This is the fourth time I've come back here. Look at my tracks!! They pass through four times, don't they? Why...? I'm the one who wants to know. :'''Gyro''': So what's that to us!? Get lost already!! We're never ever gonna trust you anyways, got that!? :'''Hot Pants''': '''Then I'll be the one to trust in you.''' You two aren't bad people. If you were, I'd have already killed you... how's that?<ref name="ch785">Vol. 87 Ch. 785: ''A Man's World <small>Part 1</small>''</ref> <hr width=50%/> :'''Gyro''': Tell him to go eat shit, Johnny. :'''Johnny''': Tell him yourself. :'''Gyro''': <big>'''EAT SHIT, ASSHOLE!'''</big> FALL OFF YOUR HORSE! :'''Hot Pants''': Aren't we looking for the same path?<ref name="ch785"/> <hr width=50%/> "Welcome... to the true man's world." - Ringo Roadagain, shortly before his death. === Both Sides Now === :'''Funny Valentine''': If the first one takes the napkin to their right, then there's no choice but for the others to also take the right napkin. The same goes for the left. Everyone else will have to take the napkin to their left, because they have no other option. This is society. Who are the ones who determine the price of land first? There must have been someone who determined the value of money, first. The size of the rails on a train track? The magnitude of electricity? Laws and regulations? Who was the first to determine those things? Did we all do it, because this is a republic? Or was it arbitrary? NO! The one who took the napkin first determined all of these things! === Break My Heart, Break Your Heart === :'''Funny Valentine''': My heart and actions are utterly unclouded! They are all those of '''justice'''. ==Part VIII, [[w:Jojolion|JoJolion]]== === Their Family Tree === :''[During the fight between Josuke and Daiya Higashikata. Josuke had hidden Daiya's phone in the refrigerator before telling her about it.]'' :'''Daiya''': ...That's it. You've really done it now... You got Yasuho involved in this... the one thing you shouldn't have done... :''[Daiya raises up two chess pieces containing Josuke's memories, prepared to smash them.]'' :'''Daiya''': '''''DISAPPEAR!''''' :'''Josuke''': No, wait. You're stepping. :''[Daiya pauses.]'' :'''Josuke''': My '''shadow'''... you're stepping on my '''shadow''', aren't you? The refrigerator's been open for a while now...<ref name="ch857">Vol. 107 Ch. 857: ''California King Bed <small>Part 3</small>''</ref> == [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure#Spin-offs|Spin-offs]] == === Rohan at the Louvre === ''[At the end of the manga, Rohan is reminiscing about earlier events in the chapter.]'' :'''Rohan''': ''Why did she rip up my drawings that day? Who knows what would have happened if, ten years earlier, she hadn't destroyed my drawings. Nizaemon's rancor would have certainly killed me! I'd have ended up cut into pieces in the depths of the Louvre, succumbing to the memory of desire once felt for her. '''A desire impossible to forget, like every first love.'''<ref name="Louvre">Rohan at the Louvre</ref> == [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: All Star Battle|All Star Battle]] == ''[Note: Most dialogue from All Star Battle is taken from the manga; the dialogue contained in this section is only what's exclusive to the game.]'' === Story Mode === ''[After Josuke defeats Akira Otoishi.]'' :'''Josuke''': I told you to rethink your stupid ideas, but your ideas aren't really the problem. You're just an idiot.<ref name="ASB Local"/> <hr width=50%/> :'''Okuyasu''': Josuke Higashikata, you better get ready to talk to the HAND!<ref name="ASB Local"/> === Battle Dialogue === :'''Jotaro''': Star Platinum! I'll smash you in! You pissed me off. :'''DIO''': The World! Stop, time! Time to finish this! It's a steamroller! I'll smash you flat! :'''Jolyne''': How deep can I hit? ''Balls deep!''<ref name="ASB Local"/> === Victory Quotes and Taunts === :'''Ermes''': Your foe is right here!<ref name="ASB Local"/> <hr width=50%/> :'''Joseph''': Damn meased to pleet ya!<ref name="ASB Local"/> <hr width=50%/> :'''Okuyasu''': I'll take anything you got! Unless it's the clap.<ref name="ASB Local">All Star Battle English Localization</ref> === Special Dialogue === ''[Caesar Zeppeli vs. William Zeppeli.]'' :'''Caesar''': To pretend to have the Zeppeli name… I won’t forgive you! :'''Zeppeli (victory)''': I feel like I practiced with a son or a close friend...<ref name="ASB Translation m"/> <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Dio Brando|DIO]] vs. Jonathan''': A chance meeting that transcends time I suppose…. JOJOOOO…!<ref name="ASB Translation m"/> <hr width=50%/> :'''Dio Brando vs. Jonathan''': The sun has set...and with it, your life!<ref name="ASB Translation m"/> <hr width=50%/> ''[Dio Brando vs. DIO.]'' :'''DIO''': I suppose it could be interesting to test my stand on my past self… :'''Dio Brando''': A 'Stand' you say... Interesting... let's test it out! :'''Dio Brando (victory)''': Stand, huh… I was a little surprised but after actually fighting it, it’s no problem at all! :'''DIO (victory)''': Vampiric Freeze... a nostalgic move...<ref name="ASB Translation m"/> <hr width=50%/> ''[Joseph vs. Kars]'' :'''Joseph''': I've never, Kars! Never have I hated someone from the bottom of my heart! :'''Kars''': You scum... Don't be so enraged...<ref name="ASB Translation m"/> <hr width=50%/> :'''Joseph, vs. Lisa Lisa (victory)''': [[The_Room_(film)#Johnny|Why did it have to come to this? You're tearing me APART, Lisa Lisa!]]<ref name="ASB Local"/> <hr width=50%/> ''[Joseph vs. Wamuu]'' :'''Joseph''': Here, over here! I don't want you to not notice me standing riiight here~ :'''Wamuu''': Stop. A human's life is short anyways. Don't rush to your death.<ref name="ASB Translation m">{{cite web|title=All Star Battle Special Dialogue Translations|url=http://mayoday.tumblr.com/post/61198706906/all-jojo-asb-character-face-off-winning-lines|website=Tumblr|accessdate=5 January 2016}}</ref> <hr width=50%/> ''[Kakyoin mirror match.]'' :'''Kakyoin (1)''': My name is Noriaki Kakyoin. :'''Kakyoin (2)''': No need to say it twice.<ref name="ASB Local"/> <hr width=50%/> ''[Various characters' reactions to Josuke Higashikata's hairstyle.]'' :'''Jonathan''': If only I could hit that strange hair with my Hamon. :'''Will A. Zeppeli''': Such eerie hair. What might be hiding away in it?! :'''Dio Brando''': What vulgar hair. :'''Joseph''': HUH? What's that big thing on your head? :'''Caesar''': Stop walking around with such huge clown hair! :'''Lisa Lisa''': That hairstyle is the worst... :'''Wamuu''': What disgusting hair. :'''Esidisi''': I'll burn that stupid hair up! :'''Kars''': A hairstyle fit for a peasant. :'''Jotaro''': We can talk about your stupid hair later. :'''Old Joseph''': What's up with all that awful-looking hair?! Your parents will be sad! :'''Kakyoin''': My hair is more refined than yours. :'''Polnareff''': I'll cut your hair into something more proper. :'''Avdol''': That stupid hair of yours will surely burn well. :'''Hol Horse''': I can lend you a hat if you wanna cover that disaster up! :'''DIO''': Your hair's like a pile of cow dung by the side of the road. :'''Josuke''': Your hair's not that GREAT. :'''Okuyasu''': Isn't your hairstyle kinda out of fashion? :'''Koichi''': I think Josuke's hairstyle is a bit out of fashion... :'''Giorno''': My hair is more elegant than yours. :'''Bruno''': What a dreary hairstyle. :'''Narancia''': That hair’s awful! I can’t go along with it! :'''Diavolo''': What vulgar hair. :'''Jolyne''': I've seen drag queens with better hair! :'''Ermes''': You pompadour-styled pig! :'''Johnny''' (sarcastic): That hairstyle's good. Really great. Super cool. :'''Gyro''': What a strange head. Makes me wanna stomp all over it! :'''Funny Valentine''': The first thing I'm going to do in office is outlaw that ridiculous hairstyle!<ref name="ASB Local"/> <hr width=50%/> ''[Various characters' reactions to Joseph Joestar’s counter-taunt.]'' :'''Joseph''': (to Jonathan) Next you’ll say: “Wh-What was that for?! How dare you!” :'''Jonathan''': Wh-what was that for?! How dare you! (gasps) :'''Joseph (1)''': (to himself) Next you’ll say: “I’m going to wipe that smirk right off your face!” :'''Joseph (2)''': I’m going to wipe that smirk right off your face! (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to Jotaro) Next you’ll say: “I will judge you myself!” :'''Jotaro''': I will judge you myself! (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to Josuke 4) Next you'll say: "If you don't move, I'm going to seriously distort your face..." :'''Josuke (Part 4)''': If you don't move, I'm going to seriously distort your face... (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to Giorno) Next you'll say: "My resolve will open the way!" :'''Giorno''': My resolve will open the way! (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to Jolyne) Next you'll say: "Good grief..." :'''Jolyne''': Good grief... (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to Johnny) Next you'll say: "I don't feel like dismounting at all." :'''Johnny''': I don't feel like dismounting at all. (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to Will Zeppeli) Next you'll say: "Hey, bambino!" :'''Will Zeppeli''': Hey, bambino! (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to Caesar) Next you'll say: "It's a cold-hearted and merciless Caesar that's going to take you down!" :'''Joseph''': It's a cold-hearted and merciless Caesar that's going to take you down! (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to Old Joseph) Next you'll say: "I, Joseph Joestar, will you have you know that I have much more fighting experience than you do." :'''Old Joseph''': I, Joseph Joestar, will you have you know that I have much more fighting experience than you do. (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to Kakyoin) Next you'll say: "Now, it's time for your punishment, baby." :'''Kakyoin''': Now, it's time for your punishment, baby. (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to Okuyasu) Next you'll say: "I'll put an end to ya!" :'''Joseph''': I'll put an end to ya! (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to Buccellati) Next you'll say: "Just try it!" :'''Buccellati''': Just try it! (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to Ermes) Next you'll say: "Your opponent is meeeee!" :'''Ermes''': Your opponent is meeeee! (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to Gyro) Next you'll say: "Nyoho~" :'''Gyro''': Nyoho~ (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to Dio) Next you'll say: "I, Dio, will kill you!" :'''Dio''': I, Dio, will kill you! (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to Wamuu) Next you'll say: "Wamuu!" :'''Wamuu''': Wamuu! (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to Lisa Lisa) Next you'll say: "I'm in a bad mood right now." :'''Lisa Lisa''': I'm in a bad mood right now. (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to Polnareff) Next you'll say: "I'll throw you into the depths of despair!" :'''Polnareff''': I'll throw you into the depths of despair! (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to Mista) Next you'll say: "Uno, due! Die, cazzone! I expect an honest answer!" :'''Mista''': Uno, due! Die, cazzone! I expect an honest answer! (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to Pucci) Next you'll say: "In the name of God, I will smite you!" :'''Pucci''': In the name of God, I will smite you! (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to Funny Valentine) Next you'll say: "Dojyaaan~!" :'''Funny Valentine''': Dojyaaan~! (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to Kars) Next you'll say: "Just wait! I'll kill you right now!" :'''Kars''': Just wait! I'll kill you right now! Huh? :'''Joseph''': (to Avdol) Next you'll say: "Tch, tch! Yes I am!, Tch, tch!" :'''Avdol''': Tch, tch! Yes I am!, Tch, tch! (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to Koichi) Next you'll say: "You've made me go through such a thing! It's too late. That's why I'm telling you I hate you." :'''Koichi''': You've made me go through such a thing! It's too late. That's why I'm telling you I hate you. Huh? :'''Joseph''': (to Akira) Next you'll say: "I'm warning you in advance that I'll be able to blow off your arm with just one pinky." :'''Akira''': I'm warning you in advance that I'll be able to blow off your arm with just one pinky. Huh? :'''Joseph''': (to Narancia) Next you'll say: "Bastard! You better be ready!" :'''Narancia''': Bastard! You better be ready! (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to Josuke 8) Next you'll say: "Don't underestimate me." :'''Josuke (Part 8)''': Don't underestimate me. (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to Kira) Next you'll say: "I'm going to eliminate you." :'''Kira''': I'm going to eliminate you. (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to DIO) Next you'll say: "WRRRYYYYYYYYYY!" :'''DIO''': WRRRYYYYYYYYYY! (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to Hol Horse) Next you'll say: "I couldn't help but laugh, heehee." :'''Hol Horse''': I couldn't help but laugh, heehee. (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to Rohan) Next you'll say: "How stupid can you be?! Do you think that I, Rohan Kishibe, drop together money and admiration?!" :'''Rohan''': How stupid can you be?! Do you think that I, Rohan Kishibe, drop together money and admiration?! (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to Kosaku) Next you'll say: "It took a while! Luck is finally on Yoshikage Kira's side!" :'''Kosaku''': It took a while! Luck is finally on Yoshikage Kira's side! (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to Diavolo) Next you'll say: "Consequences! My time obliterating powers all action futile!" :'''Diavolo''': Consequences! My time obliterating powers all action futile! (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to Shigekiyo) Next you'll say: "I can go on and on but you will never understand!" :'''Shigekiyo''': I can go on and on but you will never understand! Huh?! :'''Joseph''': (to Esidisi) Next you'll say: "Oh, you went pale. Did I hit the mark? Was I anywhere close to the bullseye?!" :'''Esidisi''': Oh, you went pale. Did I hit the mark? Was I anywhere close to the bullseye?! (gasps) :'''Joseph''': (to Iggy) Next you'll say: "(chewing sounds)" :'''Iggy''': (chewing sounds) :'''Narrator''': Iggy groaned... :'''Joseph''': (to Baoh) Next you'll say: "Barubarubarubarubarubarubarubaru!" :'''Baoh''': Barubarubarubarubarubarubarubaru! :'''Narrator''': Baoh is surprised... == Catchphrases == === Jonathan Joestar === :''DIOOOO!!!!'' :''How my heart resonates! I'm pulsing with heat and life! My very blood is a symphony within me! SUNLIGHT YELLOW OVERDRIVE!!'' === Will A. Zeppeli === :''Hey Bambino!!' [''Hey Baby!!'' in the Japanese releases.]'' :''Signor Joestar'' === [[w:Dio Brando|Dio Brando/DIO]] === :''It's USELESS! USELESS! USELESS! UUUSSSEELLLESSS!!! :''[http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/za-warudo-wryyyyy WRYYYYYY!]'' :Behold, THE WORLD!" :Once more, THE WORLD!" :THE WORLD! GRIND TO A HALT! :''[http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/za-warudo-wryyyyy ZA WARUDO]!'' ::''[A romanization of DIO's [[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure#Supernatural Powers|Stand]] name, ''The World''.]'' === Joseph Joestar === : Next you're gonna say... :''[Joseph often predicts what others will say next, particularly during [[w:Battle Tendency|Battle Tendency]].]'' : Show me happy. Show me silly. Now how about you show those pearly whites? (''Happy'' urepii- yoropiku ne!) : Run for your lives!!!!!! (Nigerundayo!!!) :''OH MY GOD!'' / ''OH NO!!!'' / ''HOLY SHIT!!'' :''[These are spoken in English, even in the original Japanese releases.]'' :''OH NO!'' The two phrases I hate the most are "hard work" and "work hard!" === Jotaro Kujo (空条 承太郎, ''Kūjō Jōtarō'') === :ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA!!! : Give me a break.../Good Grief (''Yare yare daze...'') : SHUT THE HELL UP! YOU'RE ANNOYING! ===Noriaki Kakyoin=== :"lick lick lick lick lick lick" / ("Rero rero rero rero rero rero") :"No one can just deflect my Emerald Splash!" === Mohammad Avdol === : You tried to out-predict me, a fortune teller? But it’s 10 years too early for you. (victory quote) :''[[JoJo's Bizarre Adventure#Judgement_.5B2.21_-_2.22.5D|Yes, I am!!]]'' === Josuke Higashikata (東方 仗助, ''Higashikata Jōsuke'') (Part IV) === :''DORARARARARARARA!!!'' : Let me punch this "spaghetti" and reduce it to its original parts! : ''[This was during their meal at Tonio's, after Josuke began to suspect that something about the food Okuyasu is eating is off.]'' : ''Gureato desu yo, koitsu wa'' (loosely translates to "Ain't this guy great?") : Since you've gotten a clean bill of health from Crazy Diamond, when I pound your ass into the ground, I can avoid looking like a coward, right?! : ''[This is popularly known as "You're as good as new, for now. It's a fair fight now, isn't it?" in Japanese.]'' === Okuyasu Nijimura (虹村 億泰, ''Nijimura Okuyasu'') === :I feel you! I feel you deeply! Your feeling I can feel deeply.<ref name="ch296">Vol. 32 Ch.296: ''Yukako Yamagishi Is In Love <small>Part 3</small>''</ref> === Koichi Hirose (広瀬 康一, ''Hirose Kōichi'') === :You've made me go through such a thing! It's too late. That's why I'm telling you I hate you. :Act Three, Three Freeze! :Ok master, let's kill da hoe, BEEETCH! === Rohan Kishibe (岸辺 露伴, ''Kishibe Rohan'') === :[[JoJo's Bizarre Adventure#Highway Star|''Sorry, but I refuse!'']] "Oi oi oi oi oi" === Yoshikage Kira (吉良 吉影, ''Kira Yoshikage'') === :What a Beautiful Duwang! Chew. There must be no other place as pretty as this town. This feels like a picnic. :''[When Kira was having a 'picnic' with his 'girlfriend'; A (mis)translation of one of Kira's lines from the infamous "Duwang" fan translation.]'' "I, Yoshikage Kira, Want nothing more than to live a peaceful, quiet life." "My Sheer Heart Attack has no weakness." === Giorno Giovanna === :''MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA!'' "I, Giorno Giovanna, have a dream!" "Wryyyyy" === Bruno Buccellati === :''ARI ARI ARI ARI ARI ARI!'' :''Arrivederci!'' === Narancia Ghirga === :''VOLA VOLA VOLA VOLA VOLA VOLA!'' “Volare via!” === Diavolo === :''King Crimson!'' === Jolyne Cujoh (空条 徐倫, ''Kūjō Jorīn'') === : Good Frick’n Grief (''Yare yare dawa...'') : ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA!!! === Weather Report === :The kind of evil that doesn't realize that it's evil... is the worst kind there is...<ref name="ch730">Vol.79 Ch.730: ''Heavy Weather <small>Part 12</small>''</ref> === Funny Valentine === : DOJYAAA~N! :'[lit. 'Tada' in Japanese.]'' == Cast == :'''Jonathan Joestar''' *[[w:Kazuyuki Okitsu|Kazuyuki Okitsu]] ([[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure (season 1)|Anime]]/[[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: All Star Battle|All Star Battle]]/[[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Eyes of Heaven|Eyes of Heaven]]) *[[w:Kazuya Nakai|Kazuya Nakai]] ([[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Phantom Blood#Related media|Phantom Blood PS2 game]] (Young)) *[[w:Hideyuki Tanaka|Hideyuki Tanaka]] (Phantom Blood PS2 game) *[[w:Katsuyuki Konishi|Katsuyuki Konishi]] (Phantom Blood movie) *[[w:Jurota Kosugi|Jūrōta Kosugi]] ([[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure (OVA)|Stardust Crusaders OVA]]) *[[w:Johnny Yong Bosch|Johnny Yong Bosch]] (Anime English dub) :'''Dio Brando/DIO''' *[[w:Kenji Nojima|Kenji Nojima]] (Phantom Blood movie (Young)) *[[w:Hikaru Midorikawa|Hikaru Midorikawa]] (Phantom Blood movie and PS2 game) *[[w:Isshin Chiba|Isshin Chiba]] ([[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure (video game)|Heritage For the Future]]) *[[w:Tanaka Nobuo|Tanaka Nobuo]] (Stardust Crusaders OVA) *[[w:Norio Wakamoto|Norio Wakamoto]] (Drama CD) *[[w:Takehito Koyasu|Takehito Koyasu]] (Anime/All Star Battle/Eyes of Heaven) *[[w:Andrew Chaikin|Andrew Chaikin]] (Stardust Crusaders OVA English dub) *[[w:Marco Balzarotti|Marco Balzarotti]] (Stardust Crusaders OVA Italian dub) *[[w:Patrick Seitz|Patrick Seitz]] (Anime English dub) :'''Will A. Zeppeli''' *[[w:Rikiya Koyama|Rikiya Koyama]] (Phantom Blood movie/PS2 game) *[[w:Yoku Shioya|Yoku Shioya]] (Anime/All-Star Battle/Eyes of Heaven) *[[w:Joe Ochman|Joe Ochman]] (Anime English dub) :'''Robert E.O. Speedwagon''' *[[w:Masaya Onosaka|Masaya Onosaka]] (Phantom Blood PS2 Game) *[[w:Yōji Ueda|Yōji Ueda]] (Anime/All-Star Battle/Eyes of Heaven) *[[w:Keith Silverstein|Keith Silverstein]] (Anime English dub) :'''Joseph Joestar''' *[[w:Tomokazu Sugita|Tomokazu Sugita]] (Anime (Young), All-Star Battle, Eyes of Heaven (Young)) *[[w:Unshō Ishizuka|Unshō Ishizuka]] (Anime (Old), Eyes of Heaven (Old), All-Star Battle R (Old)) *[[w:Chikao Ōtsuka|Chikao Ōtsuka]] (Stardust Crusaders OVA) *[[w:Tōru Ōkawa|Tōru Ōkawa]] (Heritage for the Future (Old)) *[[w:Hōchū Ōtsuka|Hōchū Ōtsuka]] (Heritage for the Future (Young)) *[[w:Kenji Utsumi|Kenji Utsumi]] (Drama CD 1 & 3) *[[w:Gorō Naya|Gorō Naya]] (Drama CD 2) *[[w:Ben Diskin|Ben Diskin]] (Anime English dub (Young)) *[[w:Richard Epcar|Richard Epcar]] (Anime English dub (Old)) *[[w:Michael Bennett|Michael Bennett]] (Stardust Crusaders OVA English dub) *[[w:François Siener|François Siener]] (Stardust Crusaders OVA French dub) *[[w:Enrico Bertorelli|Enrico Bertorelli]] (Stardust Crusaders OVA Italian dub) :'''Caesar A. Zeppeli''' *[[w:Takuya Sato|Takuya Satō]] (Anime/All Star Battle/Eyes of Heaven) *[[w:Bryce Papenbrook|Bryce Papenbrook]] (Anime English Dub) :'''Lisa Lisa''' *[[w:Atsuko Tanaka|Atsuko Tanaka]] (Anime/All Star Battle/Eyes of Heaven) *[[w:Wendee Lee|Wendee Lee]] (Anime English Dub) :'''Rudol von Stroheim''' *[[w:Atsushi Imaruoka|Atsushi Imaruoka]] (Anime/Eyes of Heaven) *[[w:Dan Woren|Dan Woren]] (Anime English Dub) * Uve Techner (Anime German Dub) :'''Esidisi''' *[[w:Keiji Fujiwara|Keiji Fujiwara]] (Anime/All Star Battle/Eyes of Heaven) *[[w:Chris Jai Alex|Chris Jai Alex]] (Anime English Dub) :'''Wamuu''' *[[w:Akio Ōtsuka|Akio Ōtsuka]] (Anime/All Star Battle/Eyes of Heaven) *[[w:Paul St. Peter|Paul St. Peter]] (Anime English Dub) :'''Kars''' *[[w:Kazuhiko Inoue|Kazuhiko Inoue]] (Anime/All-Star Battle/Eyes of Heaven) *[[w:John DeMita|John DeMita]] (Anime English Dub) :'''Jotaro Kujo''' *[[w:Daisuke Ono|Daisuke Ono]] ([[w:JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond Is Unbreakable|Anime]], Video Games) *[[w:Matthew Mercer|Matt Mercer]] (English Anime Dub) * Yusuke Iseya (Live Action Film) :'''Noriaki Kakyoin''' *[[w:Kōji Yusa|Koji Yusa]] (All Star Battle) *[[w:Daisuke Hirakawa|Daisuke Hirakawa]] (Anime/Eyes of Heaven/All-Star Battle R) *[[w:Kyle Herbert|Kyle Herbert]] (English Anime Dub) :'''Mohammed Avdol''' *[[w:Masashi Ebara|Masashi Ebara]] (All-Star Battle) *[[w:Kenta Miyake|Kenta Miyake]] (Anime/Eyes of Heaven/All-Star Battle R) * Chris Tergliafera (English Anime Dub) :'''Jean Pierre Polnareff''' *[[w:Hiroaki Hirata|Hiroaki Hirata]] (All-Star Battle) *[[w:Fuminori Komatsu|Fuminori Komatsu]] (Anime/Eyes of Heaven/All-Star Battle R) *[[w:Doug Erholtz|Doug Erholtz]] (English Anime Dub) :'''Iggy''' *[[w:Shigeru Chiba|Shigeru Chiba]] (All-Star Battle) *[[w:Misato Fukuen|Misato Fukuen]] (Anime/Eyes of Heaven/All-Star Battle R) *[[w:Derek Stephen Prince|Derek Stephen Prince]] (English Anime Dub) :'''Hol Horse''' *[[w:Norio Wakamoto|Norio Wakamoto]] (OVA) *[[w:Hōchū Ōtsuka|Hōchū Ōtsuka]] (All-Star Battle) *[[w:Hidenobu Kiuchi|Hidenobu Kiuchi]] (Anime, Eyes of Heaven, All-Star Battle R) *[[w:Imari Williams|Imari Williams]] (Stardust Crusaders OVA English Dub) *[[w:Roger L. Jackson|Roger L. Jackson]] (English Dub) :'''Mariah''' *[[w:Ayahi Takagaki|Ayahi Takagaki]] (Anime, Eyes of Heaven, All-Star Battle R) *[[w:Lauren Landa|Lauren Landa]] (Anime English Dub) :'''Vanilla Ice''' *[[w:Takeshi Aono|Takeshi Aono]] (OVA) *[[w:Hiroyuki Yoshino|Hiroyuki Yoshino]] (All-Star Battle) *[[w:Shō Hayami|Shō Hayami]] (Anime, Eyes of Heaven, All-Star Battle R) * Jalen K. Cassell (English Dub) :'''Josuke Higashikata (東方 仗助, ''Higashikata Jōsuke'') (Part IV)''' *[[w:Wataru Hatano|Wataru Hatano]] (All Star Battle, Eyes of Heaven) *[[w:Yūki Ono|Yūki Ono]] (Anime, All-Star Battle R) * Billy Kametz (Anime English Dub) *[[w:Kento Yamazaki|Kento Yamazaki]] (Live-Action Film) :'''Koichi Hirose (広瀬 康一, ''Hirose Kōichi'')''' *[[w:Romi Park|Romi Park]] (All-Star Battle, Eyes of Heaven) *[[w:Yūki Kaji|Yūki Kaji]] (Anime, All-Star Battle R) * Zach Aguilar (Anime English Dub) *[[w:Ryunosuke Kamiki|Ryunosuke Kamiki]] (Live Action Film) :'''Okuyasu Nijimura (虹村 億泰, ''Nijimura Okuyasu'')''' *[[w:Wataru Takagi|Wataru Takagi]] (Anime) *[[w:Mackenyu|Mackenyu]] (Live Action Film) * Jalen K. Cassell (English Dub) :'''Rohan Kishibe (岸辺 露伴, ''Kishibe Rohan'')''' *[[w:Hiroshi Kamiya|Hiroshi Kamiya]] (All-Star Battle, Eyes of Heaven) *[[w:Takahiro Sakurai|Takahiro Sakurai]] (Anime, All-Star Battle R) *[[w:Vic Mignogna|Vic Mignogna]] (Anime English Dub) :'''Yoshikage Kira (吉良 吉影, ''Kira Yoshikage'')''' *[[w:Rikiya Koyama|Rikiya Koyama]] (All-Star Battle, Eyes of Heaven) *[[w:Toshiyuki Morikawa|Toshiyuki Morikawa]] (Anime, All-Star Battle R) *[[w:D.C. Douglas|D.C. Douglas]] (Anime English Dub) :'''Ryohei Higashikata''' *[[w:Katsuhisa Hōki|Katsuhisa Hōki]] (Anime) *[[w:Michael Sorich|Michael Sorich]] (Anime English Dub) *[[w:Jun Kunimura|Jun Kunimura]] (Live Action Film) :'''Anjuro "Angelo" Katagiri''' *[[w:Kenji Hamada|Kenji Hamada]] (Anime) *[[w:Lex Lang|Lex Lang]] (Anime English Dub) *[[w:Takayuki Yamada|Takayuki Yamada]] (Live Action Film) :'''Keicho Nijimura''' *[[w:Tomoyuki Shimura|Tomoyuki Shimura]] *[[w:Masaki Okada|Masaki Okada]] (Live Action Film) *[[Jason Marnocha]] (Anime English Dub) :'''Akira Otoishi''' *[[w:Showtaro Morikubo|Showtaro Morikubo]] *Andrew Russell (Anime English Dub) :'''Tamami Kobayashi''' *Satoshi Tsuruoka :'''Toshikazu Hazamada''' *[[w:Hiroki Shimowada|Hiroki Shimowada]] :'''Giorno Giovanna''' *[[w:Romi Park|Romi Park]] ([[w:Le Bizzarre Avventure di GioGio: Vento Aureo|GioGio's Bizarre Adventure]]) *[[w:Daisuke Namikawa|Daisuke Namikawa]] (All-Star Battle, Eyes of Heaven) *[[w:Kenshō Ono|Kenshō Ono]] (Anime, All-Star Battle R) *Phillip Reich (Anime English Dub) :'''Bruno Buccellati''' *[[w:Takahiro Sakurai|Takahiro Sakurai]] ([[w:Le Bizzarre Avventure di GioGio: Vento Aureo|GioGio's Bizarre Adventure]]) *[[w:Noriaki Sugiyama|Noriaki Sugiyama]] (All-Star Battle, Eyes of Heaven) *[[w:Yuichi Nakamura|Yuichi Nakamura]] (Anime, All-Star Battle R) *[[w:Ray Chase|Ray Chase]] (Anime English Dub) :'''Guido Mista''' *[[w:Kentaro Ito|Kentaro Ito]] ([[w:Le Bizzarre Avventure di GioGio: Vento Aureo|GioGio's Bizarre Adventure]]) *[[w:Kenji Akabane|Kenji Akabane]] (All Star Battle, Eyes of Heaven) *[[w:Kōsuke Toriumi|Kōsuke Toriumi]] (Anime, All-Star Battle R) *[[w:Sean Chiplock|Sean Chiplock]] (Anime English Dub) :'''Leone Abbacchio''' *[[w:Tetsu Inada|Tetsu Inada]] ([[w:Le Bizzarre Avventure di GioGio: Vento Aureo|GioGio's Bizarre Adventure]]) *[[w:Junichi Suwabe|Junichi Suwabe]] (Anime) *Mick Lauer (Anime English Dub) :'''Narancia Ghirga''' *[[w:Yuko Sanpei|Yuko Sanpei]] (All-Star Battle, Eyes of Heaven) *[[w:Daiki Yamashita|Daiki Yamashita]] (Anime, All-Star Battle R) *[[w:Kyle McCarley|Kyle McCarley]] (Anime English Dub) :'''Pannacotta Fugo''' *[[w:Hisafumi Oda|Hisafumi Oda]] (All-Star Battle, Eyes of Heaven) *[[w:Junya Enoki|Junya Enoki]] (Anime, All-Star Battle R) *[[w:Ezra Weisz|Ezra Weisz]] (Anime English Dub) :'''Trish Una''' *[[w:Nao Tōyama|Nao Toyama]] (Eyes of Heaven) *[[w:Sayaka Senbongi|Sayaka Senbongi]] (Anime) * Lizzie Freeman (Anime English Dub) :'''Vinegar Doppio''' *[[w:Mitsuru Miyamoto|Mitsuru Miyamoto]] ([[w:Le Bizzarre Avventure di GioGio: Vento Aureo|GioGio's Bizarre Adventure]]) *[[w:Akira Ishida|Akira Ishida]] (All-Star Battle, Eyes of Heaven) *[[w:Sōma Saitō|Sōma Saitō]] (Anime, All-Star Battle R) * Griffin Burns (Anime English Dub) :'''Diavolo''' *[[w:Mitsuru Miyamoto|Mitsuru Miyamoto]] ([[w:Le Bizzarre Avventure di GioGio: Vento Aureo|GioGio's Bizarre Adventure]]) *[[w:Toshiyuki Morikawa|Toshiyuki Morikawa]] (All-Star Battle, Eyes of Heaven) *[[w:Katsuyuki Konishi|Katsuyuki Konishi]] (Anime, All-Star Battle R) *[[w:Kellen Goff|Kellen Goff]] (Anime English Dub) :'''Jolyne Cujoh''' *[[w:Miyuki Sawashiro|Miyuki Sawashiro]] (All-Star Battle/Eyes of Heaven) *[[w:Fairouz Ai|Fairouz Ai]] (Anime, All-Star Battle R) *[[w:Kira Buckland|Kira Buckland]] (Anime English Dub) :'''Emporio Alniño''' * Junko Kitanishi (All-Star Battle, Eyes of Heaven) * Atsumi Tanezaki (Anime) * Casey Mongillo (Anime English Dub) :'''Ermes Costello''' * Chizu Yonemoto (All-Star Battle, Eyes of Heaven) * Mutsumi Tamura (All-Star Battle R) * Tiana Camacho (Anime English Dub) :'''Foo Fighters''': * [[w:Ryoko Shiraishi|Ryoko Shiraishi]] (All Star Battle, Eyes of Heaven) * [[w:Mariya Ise|Mariya Ise]] (Anime) * Brittany Lauda (Anime English Dub) :'''Weather Report''' *[[w:Tōru Ōkawa|Tōru Ōkawa]] (All Star Battle, Eyes of Heaven) * Yūichirō Umehara (Anime) * Stephen Fu (Anime English Dub) :'''Narciso Annasui''' * Yuichi Nakamura (All-Star Battle, Eyes of Heaven) * Daisuke Namikawa (Anime, All-Star Battle) :'''Enrico Pucci''' *[[w:Shō Hayami|Shō Hayami]] (All Star Battle) *[[w:Jouji Nakata|Joji Nakata]] (Eyes of Heaven) *[[w:Tomokazu Seki|Tomokazu Seki]] (Anime, All-Star Battle R) * YongYea (Anime English Dub) :'''Johnny Joestar''' * Yūki Kaji :'''Gyro Zeppeli''' * [[w:Shin-ichiro Miki|Shin'ichiro Miki]] :'''Funny Valentine''' * [[w:Yasuyuki Kase|Yasuyuki Kase]] :'''Diego Brando''' * [[w:Takehito Koyasu|Takehito Koyasu]] :'''Josuke Higashikata (VIII)''' * [[w:Mitsuaki Madono|Mitsuaki Madono]] :'''Joshuu Higashikata''' * [[w:Hiroaki Miura|Hiroaki Miura]] ==References== {{Reflist}} ==External links== {{wikipedia}} *[https://jojowiki.com/ JoJo Wiki] *[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2359704/ ''JoJo's Bizarre Adventure'' (2012-)] on [[w:Internet Movie Database|IMDB]] *[http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/subcultures/jojo-s-bizarre-adventure ''JoJo's Bizarre Adventure''] on [[w:Know Your Meme|Know Your Meme]] *[http://www.araki-jojo.com/ ''Official website''] *[http://www.viz.com/manga/print/jojos-bizarre-adventure-part-1-phantom-blood ''JoJo's Bizarre Adventure''] at [[w:Viz Media|Viz Media]] *[https://cotoacademy.com/yare-yare-japanese-meaning/ Meaning of Yare Yare in Japanese] [[Category:Anime and manga series]] [[Category:Animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:Japanese TV shows]] iq94qkgqdat3tsec5eiz1oe20xjkbu5 0 148512 3157883 3157578 2022-08-25T16:46:38Z Ijs89000 3124205 /* Chap Stewie */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[Family Guy]]''''' is an animated television series created by [[Seth MacFarlane]] for [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|FOX]] in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]], production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005. :'' ''Family Guy'' and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the'' Wikimedia Foundation ''DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, ''The Wikimedia Foundation,'' have any affiliation with 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape or form.'' :''Please read [[Family Guy/Format]] for notes on how to use and edit this article.'' ===''[[w:Finders Keepers (Family Guy)|Finders Keepers]]''=== :'''Peter''': ''[to Lois]'' I want you on my team for everything... except for sports. <hr width=50%> :''[Stewie farts on Peter while he's sitting at the table reading a newspaper with an electric fan going. The fart travels back to Stewie]'' :'''Stewie''': Ah! Friendly fire! <hr width=50%> :''[a group stands graveside]'' :'''Quagmire''': We're supposed to dig this kid up. Any volunteers? :'''Herbert''': ''[in mining gear]'' I dig kids. <hr width=50%> :''[Chris jets skis to Block Island with Meg]'' :'''Chris''': Why are your nipples poking into me?! :'''Meg''': Sorry! That happens when I'm cold. :'''Chris''': But why are there 3 of them?! :'''Meg''': There aren't! Two of them are moles. :'''Chris''': Those numbers still don't add up! <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Oh, look who's back; the grave robber. :'''Peter''': Hey, Lois. :'''Lois''': So, what happened? You find your treasure? :'''Peter''': No, I realised something after you left; It's not the treasure that matters. All that really matters is the money you get in exchange for the treasure. I guess I had to learn that the hard way. ===''[[w:Vestigial Peter|Vestigial Peter]]''=== :'''Chip''': Her voice! It's like God sneezing! <hr width=50%> :''[after Chip has sex with Angela]'' :'''Peter''': ''[glumly]'' Welp, now we know. I can taste what he eats. <hr width=50%> :'''Teacher at a PTA meeting''': So, in short; your kids are all doing great. Keep reading to them every night and I think we're going to have a great year. So, unless there's any questions, thank you all for coming. :'''Cheetah''': Eh, yeah... I noticed the hot lunch menu doesn't feature any gazelle. :''[all the parents sigh]'' :'''Teacher''': I'll bring that up to the board. :'''Cheetah''': Yeah, see... I-I heard that last year and ''[laughing]'' he-h-here we are again. ''[Peter is at the bar talking to his friends about Chip]'' :'''Quagmire''': Remind me again. Chip is that [[African]] kid you adopted? :'''Peter''': No that's ''Chocolate'' Chip. We gave him back to [[Kenya]]. ===''[[w:Quagmire's Quagmire|Quagmire's Quagmire]]''=== :''[Sonja smiles darkly as she locks a battered Quagmire in the trunk of his car]'' :'''Sonja''': Giggity. :'''Quagmire''': That's my word. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter and Joe pound on the door of a storage unit while searching for Quagmire]'' :'''Joe''': Quagmire, you in there?! :''[muffled sounds from Quagmire are heard]'' :'''Peter''': Oh, he's eating. ''[shouts at the door]'' We'll come back when you're done eating! <hr width=50%> :'''Ida''': Okay, you guys. Where should we start looking for Glen? :'''Peter''': Well, sometimes Quagmire likes to hang out under all the clutter in my garage, so why don't we just start sorting stuff and throwing stuff away, but obviously checking with me first before you throw stuff away. ===''[[w:A Fistful of Meg|A Fistful of Meg]]''=== :'''Meg''': He's going to kill me! I can already picture my funeral! :''[cutaway to a graveside service, where Peter runs in and throws Meg's corpse under another casket]'' :'''Peter''': Thanks, didn't want to pay for the hole. <hr width=50%> :''[Meg looks to Chris for support against Michael Pulaski]'' :'''Meg''': Chris, you have my back, right? :'''Chris''': I don't know. ''[lifts his shirt and sees his back covered with bacne]'' Yeah. <hr width=50%> :'''Mailman''': ''[after Brian opens the door]'' Brian Griffin? :'''Brian''': Uh, yeah, that's me. :'''Mailman''': ''[gives the package to Brian]'' Here you go. :''[Brian takes off the tape and opens the package]'' :'''Brian''': ''[sees something terrible in the package, it's revealed to be Peter's penis he cut off]'' Aah! Oh, God! :'''Peter''': ''[laughs]'' What's in the box, Brian? I got you good! ''[Blood is coming out and comes to Peter's pants]'' I don't feel right. I want it back. ''[Collapses]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Brian''': You gonna put your clothes on? :'''Peter''': Yes, yes, I swear. :'''Brian''': You gonna keep 'em on? :'''Peter''': Yes, I promise. I'll never bother you again with my body. Please, just make this stop! :'''Brian''': Good. :'''Chris''': Dad, can you give me a ride to the-- ''[screams]'' What is that thing?! Make it go away! ''[claws his eyes out]'' :'''Lois''': What's going on in here? ''[seeing that Brian has shaved off all his fur]'' Oh my god, is that a rat?! Peter, hold it down, I'm getting the gun! ===''[[w:Boopa-dee Bappa-dee|Boopa-dee Bappa-dee]]''=== :'''Man''': You renounced your citizenship? :'''Peter''': Oh, I did that on the Italian "Shut-up-a-You-Facebook." <hr width=50%> :''[the morning after sex in Italy]'' :'''Lois''': Last night was the best sex I ever had. :'''Peter''': Me too. We haven't done it like that since we were engaged, but allowed to sleep with other people. :'''Lois''': What are you talking about? <hr width=50%> :''[Peter barges it to tell the kids about staying in Italy]'' :'''Peter''': Kids, I've got an announcement... :'''Stewie''': ''[sitting near the hem of Peter's robe on the floor]'' He's wearing a rubber. :'''Peter''': We're staying in Italy. We're Italian now. :'''Brian''': What?! :'''Meg''': Are you kidding? :'''Stewie''': Well, if we're going to be Italian, I guess we should start murdering our brothers. :''[slips behind Chris with a garrote and proceeds to strangle him]'' :'''Chris''': What are you... ''[starts to choke and struggle]'' :'''Stewie''': ''[in an Italian-accented whisper]'' You break-a my heart, Chris. You break-a my heart. <hr width="50"> :'''Stewie''': There. Now I said it. So shut your mouth. ===''[[w:Life of Brian (Family Guy)|Life of Brian]]''=== :'''Stewie''': ''[sees a car heading towards Brian]'' Brian, look out! '[the car runs over Brian, breaking the hockey stick, and the toy net]'' Aah, Brian! ''[runs to him]'' :'''Lois''': ''[runs out of the house with Peter, Chris, and Meg and saw Brian hurt]'' Oh, my God! ''[runs to him]'' Brian! Brian, can you hear me?! :'''Peter''': Holy crap, what the hell happened?! :'''Squirrel''': ''[runs to Brian, kicks his head, and spits]'' That guy sucked! ''[runs away]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Peter is sitting next to a beheaded chicken carrying his head]'' :'''Peter''': Aren't you supposed to be running around? :'''Chicken''': Don't talk to me. You have a bad reputation in the chicken community. <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': Damn it, Brian, you can't die! We were gonna do so many things together! We were gonna become windsurfers! I was gonna be a little better than you, but we were both gonna be good! :''[Brian groans]'' :'''Lois''': You guys, I think- I think Brian's trying to say something. :'''Brian''': ''[last words]'' You... You've given me a wonderful life... I love you all. ''[smiles gently before quietly passing away]'' :'''Doctor''': ''[checks his heartbeat, but no response]'' I'm sorry, he's gone. :'''Chris''': ''[voice breaking]'' Oh, my God, he's... :'''Lois''': ''[voice breaking]'' Yes, Chris... I'm afraid... I'm afraid that Brian is dead! ''[sobs]'' ===''[[w:Into Harmony's Way|Into Harmony's Way]]''=== :'''Quagmire''': ''[meditating]'' I can be Giggity. I can be Goo. <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': Meg, could you zip up your fly? That's kind of wafting over here. <hr width=50%> :'''Chris''': So did you get a lot of trim on the road? :'''Peter''': ''[nodding]'' Chris, that's wildly inappropriate. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Quagmire? I thought you were still out on the road! :'''Quagmire''': I was, but what was Simon without Garfunkel? :'''Peter''': Wildly successful? <hr width=50%> :'''Kermit''': Piggy, I don't think Kermie Jr. isn't feeling well. :'''Kermie Jr.''': <big>'''KILL ME I'M IN CONSTANT PAIN!!!!'''</big> ===''[[w:Christmas Guy|Christmas Guy]]''=== :'''Lois''': It's Stewie's first Christmas! :'''Stewie''': Again? <hr width=50%> :'''Vinny''': Whose leg do you gotta gagoosh to get an Amaretto around here? <hr width=50%> :'''Vinny''': Georgette, I'm coming home. :'''Stewie''': Who the hell is Georgette? <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': ''[comes from the future and sees Brian on the street. He sees the car heading right for him and runs to him]'' Brian, look out! ''[pushes him out of the way, letting the hockey stick and toy net to get broken by the car]'' :'''Brian''': What the hell?! :'''Stewie''': You're alive, my friend! ''[hugs him]'' :'''Brian''': What? Of course, I'm alive. What the hell's going on here? :'''Stewie''': Brian, ''[points at the car]'' that car killed you, and when it did, a little part of me died as well. I couldn't live without you, so I came back from the future to save your life. :'''Brian''': Wait a minute. What are you talking about? I saw you destroy your time machine. :'''Stewie''': Yes, but luckily, I ran into another me from the past, so I stole his return pad and came back here. Oh, that reminds me. I better send this back to where it came from. <hr width=50%> :'''Brian''': Wow, Stewie, thank you for saving my life! Y'know, a whole lot of other families would've just gotten another dog and moved on. :'''Stewie''': Oh, oh, w...we could, we could never do something like that, Brian! ''[starts to fade away]'' :'''Brian''': Stewie, wh-what's happening to you? :'''Stewie''': ''[looks at himself]'' I think...my timeline has been erased! The timeline where you died no longer exists! Merry Christmas, Brian. ''[finally fades away]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': Hey, who are you talking to out here? :'''Brian''': A pretty awesome guy. <hr width=50%> :'''Brian''': Thanks for everything, Stewie. You're my best friend, and I love you. :'''Stewie''': All I can say, Brian, is you've been making really creepy eye contact with me all morning, and I want it to stop right now. ===''[[w:Peter Problems|Peter Problems]]''=== :''[on Lois being hired at the grocery store]'' :'''Stewie''': You know you've made it when you've got a teenage boss. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': My hog cannot partake in the slop this evening. <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Oh, Peter, you're up. :'''Stewie''': That's not what I heard. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter is reluctant to see Dr. Hartman about his impotency, stating he is embarrassed]'' :'''Lois''': This shouldn't embarrass you, the size should embarrass you. ===''[[w:Grimm Job|Grimm Job]]''=== :'''Peter''': ''Jack and the Beanstalk''. And that title could be a fairy tale or porn. Let's find out. <hr width=50%> :'''Rumpleforeskin/Quagmire''': Where'd that thing come from? It's blocking my view of Little Miss Muffet's tuffet. <hr width=50%> :''[after the woodsman kills the wolf with a chainsaw]'' :'''Little Red Riding Hood/Stewie''': You know, I'm not sure if that's our hero, or just a lunatic going house-to-house murdering people. ===''[[w:Brian's a Bad Father|Brian's a Bad Father]]''=== :'''Quagmire''': ''[to Peter]'' You can't even walk and chew gum at the same time! :''[cutaway to Lois walking on the sidewalk]'' :'''Lois''': Come on! :''[pull out to reveal Peter chewing gum while lying down on his face]'' :'''Peter''': I'm doin' somethin'. ''[chews]'' One thing at a time! :''[cutaway back to bar]'' :'''Quagmire''': DAMN IT, PETER, THAT'S IT! I AM DONE! I'M DONE WITH YOU! I'M DONE WITH ALL YOUR CRAP, I NEVER WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN! THIS FRIENDSHIP IS OVER! ''[leaves]'' :'''Peter''': Well fine! I don't need your friendship anyway. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Now this is a gun without a safety. :''[Peter's gun shots Quagmire, who screams in pain]'' :'''Peter''': Quite the difference, huh? :'''Quagmire''': DAMN IT, PETER, YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU SHOT ME! :'''Joe''': Oh my god, Peter, that must be the dumbest thing you're ever done. :'''Peter''' No. The dumbest I ever did was open that can of Whupass <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': All right, Quagmire, I have given this a lot of thought. I need you to shoot me in the arm and we can be friends again. :'''Quagmire''': Okay. :'''Peter''': ''[after realizing what he just told Quagmire]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, I was supposed to offer, and then you were supposed to say, "No, Peter, I'm not gonna shoot you, although I do appreciate the gesture." :'''Quagmire''': Hand me the gun, Peter. :'''Peter''': I, uh, pass the test? :'''Quagmire''': No, Peter. I'm gonna shoot you like a dirty animal. ===''[[w:Mom's the Word|Mom's the Word]]''=== :''[during a meeting at the Pawtucket Brewery]'' :'''Angela''': So as you can see, our output is up 1 1/2%. That's not net, I'm talking gross. :'''Peter''': ''[under his breath]'' You do everything gross. ===''[[w:3 Acts of God|3 Acts of God]]''=== :'''Quagmire''': C'mon, guys! It's game time! :'''Peter''': Alright! This is the greatest Sunday tradition ever...except for getting all my cutaway gags ready for the week. ''[cutaway]'' Okay, my great uncle wears a ski hat all the time Griffin will be followed by [[w:Nick Nolte|Nick Nolte]]'s handkerchief, followed by [[Japanese]] [[Abe Lincoln]], and then Monkey Rabbi. Hey, where's the Monkey Rabbi? Here's your torah, you'll be here on Tuesday at 9:00. Check in with Shirley. :'''Darth Vader''': You gonna need me this week? :'''Peter''': Uh, maybe. Maybe Friday. Uh, now where are the gays? :'''Gay Man''': Over here. :'''Peter''': No, no, no. The really cartoony gays. :'''Cartoony Gay Guy''': ''Yoooo-hoooooo!!!'' :'''Peter''': There you are, we're gonna need you guys all week. <hr width=50%> :'''Cleveland''': Hey, Death. What are you doing here? :'''Death''': Actually, I'm...here for your show. :'''Cleveland''': Ah, come on, man. I'm on vacation. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': And you still won't give us an Emmy?! Come on!! If ''[[Modern Family]]'' did that joke, you'd be carryin' 'em around on your shoulders!! ===''[[w:Fresh Heir|Fresh Heir]]''=== :'''Chris''': Hey, Dad, are you busy? I was thinking we could spend some time together. :'''Peter''': Okay, are you a television set of the Internet? :'''Chris''': No. :'''Peter''': Oh, then no. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter checks up on his hairless twin brother]'' :'''Peter's Twin''': Close the door! The moonlight burns! :'''Peter''': It's almost Christmas. It's almost Christmas. :'''Peter's Twin''': Christmas? :'''Peter''': Yes. Keep being good, and all the eggshells and coffee grounds will be yours. :'''Peter's Twin''': Can I meet the family? :'''Peter''': You've overstepped! No Christmas! <hr width=50%> :'''Carter''': ''[about his broken leg]'' The worst part about it is I can't have sex! God, I wish there was a way I could just do it myself, y'know, just to be done and napping within four minutes. :'''Chris''': Let me show you something... :''[time lapse. Carter looks relaxed]'' :'''Carter''': That... was... amazing! And Lynda Carter wasn't actually here? :'''Chris''': No, that was just in your mind! :'''Carter''': Incredible! So you can do that, like what, once a year or something? :'''Chris''': No, you can do it basically whenever you're not doing something else. :'''Carter''': Cool! Hey, next time I wanna try it with my hand. ===''[[w:Secondhand Spoke|Secondhand Spoke]]''=== :''[Stewie criticizes Brian's texting and driving]'' :'''Stewie''': That was a stroller, not a speedbump. <hr width=50%> :'''Chris''': What if I said "Hey there, shorty!"? :'''Stewie''': I'd say "Have another donut, you albino gorilla." ===''[[w:Herpe the Love Sore|Herpe the Love Sore]]''=== :'''Tough guy''': Smells like this guy's already wet himself. :'''Peter''': Don't flatter yourself, that was from this morning. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter receives a package that is actually addressed to Quagmire]'' :'''Peter''': Huh, it says "Glenn Quagmire". But if you squint and imagine it says "Peter Griffin", it says "Peter Griffin". :'''Lois''': Peter, it's Quagmire's. Take it next door. :'''Peter''': Now, now, hold on, Lois. Now, this poses a very difficult ethical dilemma. Do I deliver the package to its rightful owner? Or do I open it up and see if it contains He-Mans? :'''Lois''': Do not open that box! <hr width=50%> :''[in a cutaway, Dorothy, the Scarecrow, and the Tin Man are walking along the yellow brick road, but stop when they see the Cowardly Lion standing in front of them]'' :'''Cowardly Lion''': Hey. I'm the Rational Lion. ''(as he's flipping them off)'' So fuck you guys. <hr width=50%> :''[in a cutaway, Peter is doing a game called "God With Ants"]'' :'''Peter''': You shall battle to the death, or the winner will be given his freedom! Why are you looking at me like that? :'''Lois''': Peter, would you like a glass of-- ''[sees a decapitated Peter with a bloodied neck]'' <big>'''OH MY GOD! I TOLD YOU NOT TO PLAY GOD WITH THOSE ANTS!'''</big> ===''[[w:The Most Interesting Man in the World (Family Guy)|The Most Interesting Man in the World]]''=== :''[Bonnie obliterates a target of a figure in a wheelchair at the shooting range]'' :'''Joe''': I think next time you should bring someone else. <hr width=50%> :''[Stewie arrives just after Peter takes the wrong kid at the park]'' :'''Stewie''': Hey, what happened to my new friend...that kid who sort of looks like me from behind? <hr width=50%> :''[the family greets Peter after he has refined himself]'' :'''Chris''': How were all your business trips? :'''Peter''': Oh, exemplary, Chris. :'''Chris''': I don't understand what either of those words mean. :'''Stewie''': One of them was "Chris." <hr width=60%> :'''Peter''': Shall we away for "relations"? :'''Lois''': I'm not sure what you're saying, but let's hump! <hr width=60%> :'''Lois''': What's wrong with you, Peter?! :'''Peter''': Lois, I'm sorry. :'''Lois''': How the hell can you possibly mistake another baby for Stewie?! :'''Peter''': Now, calm down, Lois. You're gonna say something you don't mean. :'''Lois''': ''[Angry]'' Oh, no, I'm not! ''You're an idiot!'' :'''Peter''': ''[Hurt]'' You don't mean that. :'''Stewie''': ''[Stewie looks Facebook on the phone]'' I already got a Facebook friend request from the dad. Is that weird? :'''Lois''': Peter, I have put up with your nonsense for 20 years, but today you crossed the line! You left a helpless baby in the public park and that's something only an ''idiot'' would do! :''[Lois storms off with Stewie leaving Peter upset]'' :'''Peter''': I'm not an idiot! :''[There's a knock on the door and Peter opens it to find a man with one eye]'' :'''One-eyed man''': Hey, I think there was a mix-up at the park. ''[he gives Peter his eye back]'' ===''[[w:Baby Got Black|Baby Got Black]]''=== :'''Peter''': Awesome! <hr width=50%> :''[Chris receives a steamy goodbye kiss from Pam at a restaurant in front of the lobster tank]'' :'''Lobster''': Hey, Chris...these ''[clacks its claws]'' on her nipples. Ha, ha, ha. :'''Chris''': ''[to a passing waiter]'' Kill that one. ===''[[w:Meg Stinks!|Meg Stinks!]]''=== :'''Skunk''': ''[to Brian]'' Oh, you don't like smell, huh? Well, sniff on this! <hr width=50%> :'''Retep''': My name is Retep and I am evil! <hr width=50%> :'''Brian''': Holy crap! I'm so much faster on all fours! ''[trips over a rock and groans]'' What's that big rock doing there? :'''Retep''': (cackles maniacally) <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Huh. Look down there. That guy looks like me with a green shirt. He's murdering a lady! <hr width=50%> :''[after Stewie has been jailed for showing his penis at Mardi Gras]'' :'''Stewie''': The rules of this city are very unclear. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter reveals he would have rather have been a podiatrist but gave it up to become a family man]'' :'''Meg''': You never got to pursue your dream. No wonder you hate me. :'''Peter''': I don't hate ya, Meg. You're my kid. <hr width=50%> :'''Meg''': Dad I'm sorry to tell you this but I can't go with you. :'''Peter''': Are you sure? :'''Meg''': I just got off the phone with Green Mountain College and they said they'll let me reschedule my interview so I'm going to drive back up there it's time for me to get serious about my life and start taking some responsibility. ===''[[w:He's Bla-ack!|He's Bla-ack!]]''=== :'''Cleveland''': Wassup?! ''[''[[The Cleveland Show]]'' theme music plays as Cleveland approaches the guys]'' :'''Peter''': ''[normally]'' Oh, hey, Cleveland! :'''Joe''': Hi! :'''Quagmire''': Wait, don't you have a show to do...''[chuckles]'' Oh wait, that's right! :'''Cleveland''': Alright, I knew this was comin', everybody gimme your best shot. :'''Quagmire''': Oh, my G... Where do I even begin? Y'know, it's not a good sign that this is the first time a lot of people are realizing you had a show! :'''Joe''': Your logo was stupid. Looked like a big purple penis and your ratings blew. :'''Cleveland''': We did about the same as ''[[Bob's Burgers]]''. :'''Quagmire''': That's your bar?! Oh, shame on you! :'''Cleveland''': This is good. This is constructive. :'''Quagmire''': The talking bear was so bad, [[Seth MacFarlane]] quit voicing him after [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2|Season 2]]. :'''Cleveland''': It's hard to make a talkin' bear funny. :'''Quagmire''': ''[laughs]'' It worked out okay in movie form. :'''Joe''': What was supposed to be the show's audience? Who did you make it for? Like, some black guy who never met another black guy? :'''Cleveland''': Anything else? :'''Peter''': Yeah, here's four seasons worth of DVDs of what we've been up to. Y'know, just so you're back up to speed. And I'll warn ya ahead of time, these have jokes in 'em. :'''Cleveland''': I...I don't have a DVD player. <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': Hey, Lois, look, I'm smoking! You can't control dick! I'm a roof baby now! ===''[[w:Chap Stewie|Chap Stewie]]''=== :''[Stewie sees an alternate view of the theme song from before he was born and comments on Lois]'' :'''Stewie''': She is camel-toeing the hell out of that leotard. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter and Chris''': Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! :'''Stewie''': What is that? What's happening? :'''Peter and Chris''': ''[carrying mattresses]'' Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! :'''Brian''': Peter, what are you doing? :'''Peter''': Playing "Unga-Bunga". It's the championship. :'''Stewie''': Go away! This is why Zillow estimates our house at $4.00. :'''Brian''': What the hell is "Unga-Bunga"? :'''Peter''': It's a game where two guys run into each other with mattresses and, um, that's kinda it. :'''Chris''': Stop explaining the rules to the dog! Let's do this! :''[Chris and Peter run into each other with mattresses]'' :'''Stewie''': Stop it! I'm trying to watch my program! :'''Peter''': Whoa, Chris, look! Mom's naked! :'''Chris''': Where? :'''Peter''': ''[whacks Chris with his mattress]'' You creep. ''[Chris crashes into the TV and breaks it]'' :'''Stewie''': ''(gasps)'' No! :'''Lois''': Peter, what's going on in... :'''Peter''': ''[whacks Lois with his mattress]'' Unga-Bunga! :'''Stewie''': You imbeciles! You've ruined my night! I asked for one thing in this house! :'''Brian''': Stewie, just watch your show upstairs. :'''Stewie''': I don't want to watch it upstairs on the small TV, I want to watch it downstairs on the big TV! [his face turns red as he starts crying] I WANNA WATCH MY SHOW! (crying) :'''Lois''': Oh no, Stewie's havin' a tantrum. Come here, sweetie. :''[Stewie bites Lois' thumb]'' :'''Lois''': '''OW!''' Screw you, ya little turd! :''[Stewie throws a photo right at the door and it crashes]'' :'''Meg''': ''[enters the living room]'' What's all that noise? [sees Stewie upset]'' Aw, do you want a hug from your big sister? ''[picks Stewie up and is headbutted]'' '''OW!''' <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': You just earned yourself a time-out, young man. Now, you stay here until you can behave. ''[she closes the door]'' :'''Stewie''': I HATE YOU! You always ruin everything! God, it's a family of idiots! I wish...I wish I was never born! ''[he sees Rupert wearing a fire helmet]'' Not tonight, Rupert. I'm much too upset. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter is shown using all the outlets for toasters]'' :'''Peter''': Toast house! <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Oh my god, Peter. What happened to your hair? :'''Peter''': I don't know. I'm bald! You did this! What the hell is the matter with you?! :'''Lois''': I didn't do it, but you look cool. :'''Peter''': I do? :'''Lois''': Yeah, you look like you could be a celebrity. <hr width=50%> :''[Stewie is on the stairs watching Peter and Lois arguing downstairs]'' :'''Peter''': Lois, what the hell did you do?! I just got a note from Goodwill thanking me for donating all my porn. :'''Lois''': WHAT?! I'm sick and tired of you blaming me for things I didn't do! And I've got a bone to pick with you! I don't appreciate how you spray-painted "vile woman" on the bedroom wall. :'''Peter''': That wasn't me! It must've been one of the kids! :'''Lois''': That's ridiculous, Peter! Chris can't write, and we don't allow Meg upstairs! :''[In a cutaway, Meg is stuck in the basement, and she scratches the door]'' :'''Peter''': Well, you know what? I'm starting to think whoever wrote that is right! :'''Lois''': Well, maybe I don't want to live with someone who doesn't respect me! :'''Peter''': Well then, maybe I should just leave! :'''Lois''': And where are you gonna go?! You got nothing else and nobody else! :'''Stewie''': And now for the closer. ==External links== {{wikipedia|Family Guy}} [[Category:Family Guy seasons]] duy1tc5hs2ag4rkdh0t60jfg77anat0 3157884 3157883 2022-08-25T16:48:15Z Ijs89000 3124205 /* Quagmire's Quagmire */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[Family Guy]]''''' is an animated television series created by [[Seth MacFarlane]] for [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|FOX]] in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]], production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005. :'' ''Family Guy'' and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the'' Wikimedia Foundation ''DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, ''The Wikimedia Foundation,'' have any affiliation with 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape or form.'' :''Please read [[Family Guy/Format]] for notes on how to use and edit this article.'' ===''[[w:Finders Keepers (Family Guy)|Finders Keepers]]''=== :'''Peter''': ''[to Lois]'' I want you on my team for everything... except for sports. <hr width=50%> :''[Stewie farts on Peter while he's sitting at the table reading a newspaper with an electric fan going. The fart travels back to Stewie]'' :'''Stewie''': Ah! Friendly fire! <hr width=50%> :''[a group stands graveside]'' :'''Quagmire''': We're supposed to dig this kid up. Any volunteers? :'''Herbert''': ''[in mining gear]'' I dig kids. <hr width=50%> :''[Chris jets skis to Block Island with Meg]'' :'''Chris''': Why are your nipples poking into me?! :'''Meg''': Sorry! That happens when I'm cold. :'''Chris''': But why are there 3 of them?! :'''Meg''': There aren't! Two of them are moles. :'''Chris''': Those numbers still don't add up! <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Oh, look who's back; the grave robber. :'''Peter''': Hey, Lois. :'''Lois''': So, what happened? You find your treasure? :'''Peter''': No, I realised something after you left; It's not the treasure that matters. All that really matters is the money you get in exchange for the treasure. I guess I had to learn that the hard way. ===''[[w:Vestigial Peter|Vestigial Peter]]''=== :'''Chip''': Her voice! It's like God sneezing! <hr width=50%> :''[after Chip has sex with Angela]'' :'''Peter''': ''[glumly]'' Welp, now we know. I can taste what he eats. <hr width=50%> :'''Teacher at a PTA meeting''': So, in short; your kids are all doing great. Keep reading to them every night and I think we're going to have a great year. So, unless there's any questions, thank you all for coming. :'''Cheetah''': Eh, yeah... I noticed the hot lunch menu doesn't feature any gazelle. :''[all the parents sigh]'' :'''Teacher''': I'll bring that up to the board. :'''Cheetah''': Yeah, see... I-I heard that last year and ''[laughing]'' he-h-here we are again. ''[Peter is at the bar talking to his friends about Chip]'' :'''Quagmire''': Remind me again. Chip is that [[African]] kid you adopted? :'''Peter''': No that's ''Chocolate'' Chip. We gave him back to [[Kenya]]. ===''[[w:Quagmire's Quagmire|Quagmire's Quagmire]]''=== :''[Sonja smiles darkly as she locks a battered Quagmire in the trunk of his car]'' :'''Sonja''': Giggity. :'''Quagmire''': That's my line. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter and Joe pound on the door of a storage unit while searching for Quagmire]'' :'''Joe''': Quagmire, you in there?! :''[muffled sounds from Quagmire are heard]'' :'''Peter''': Oh, he's eating. ''[shouts at the door]'' We'll come back when you're done eating! <hr width=50%> :'''Ida''': Okay, you guys. Where should we start looking for Glen? :'''Peter''': Well, sometimes Quagmire likes to hang out under all the clutter in my garage, so why don't we just start sorting stuff and throwing stuff away, but obviously checking with me first before you throw stuff away. ===''[[w:A Fistful of Meg|A Fistful of Meg]]''=== :'''Meg''': He's going to kill me! I can already picture my funeral! :''[cutaway to a graveside service, where Peter runs in and throws Meg's corpse under another casket]'' :'''Peter''': Thanks, didn't want to pay for the hole. <hr width=50%> :''[Meg looks to Chris for support against Michael Pulaski]'' :'''Meg''': Chris, you have my back, right? :'''Chris''': I don't know. ''[lifts his shirt and sees his back covered with bacne]'' Yeah. <hr width=50%> :'''Mailman''': ''[after Brian opens the door]'' Brian Griffin? :'''Brian''': Uh, yeah, that's me. :'''Mailman''': ''[gives the package to Brian]'' Here you go. :''[Brian takes off the tape and opens the package]'' :'''Brian''': ''[sees something terrible in the package, it's revealed to be Peter's penis he cut off]'' Aah! Oh, God! :'''Peter''': ''[laughs]'' What's in the box, Brian? I got you good! ''[Blood is coming out and comes to Peter's pants]'' I don't feel right. I want it back. ''[Collapses]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Brian''': You gonna put your clothes on? :'''Peter''': Yes, yes, I swear. :'''Brian''': You gonna keep 'em on? :'''Peter''': Yes, I promise. I'll never bother you again with my body. Please, just make this stop! :'''Brian''': Good. :'''Chris''': Dad, can you give me a ride to the-- ''[screams]'' What is that thing?! Make it go away! ''[claws his eyes out]'' :'''Lois''': What's going on in here? ''[seeing that Brian has shaved off all his fur]'' Oh my god, is that a rat?! Peter, hold it down, I'm getting the gun! ===''[[w:Boopa-dee Bappa-dee|Boopa-dee Bappa-dee]]''=== :'''Man''': You renounced your citizenship? :'''Peter''': Oh, I did that on the Italian "Shut-up-a-You-Facebook." <hr width=50%> :''[the morning after sex in Italy]'' :'''Lois''': Last night was the best sex I ever had. :'''Peter''': Me too. We haven't done it like that since we were engaged, but allowed to sleep with other people. :'''Lois''': What are you talking about? <hr width=50%> :''[Peter barges it to tell the kids about staying in Italy]'' :'''Peter''': Kids, I've got an announcement... :'''Stewie''': ''[sitting near the hem of Peter's robe on the floor]'' He's wearing a rubber. :'''Peter''': We're staying in Italy. We're Italian now. :'''Brian''': What?! :'''Meg''': Are you kidding? :'''Stewie''': Well, if we're going to be Italian, I guess we should start murdering our brothers. :''[slips behind Chris with a garrote and proceeds to strangle him]'' :'''Chris''': What are you... ''[starts to choke and struggle]'' :'''Stewie''': ''[in an Italian-accented whisper]'' You break-a my heart, Chris. You break-a my heart. <hr width="50"> :'''Stewie''': There. Now I said it. So shut your mouth. ===''[[w:Life of Brian (Family Guy)|Life of Brian]]''=== :'''Stewie''': ''[sees a car heading towards Brian]'' Brian, look out! '[the car runs over Brian, breaking the hockey stick, and the toy net]'' Aah, Brian! ''[runs to him]'' :'''Lois''': ''[runs out of the house with Peter, Chris, and Meg and saw Brian hurt]'' Oh, my God! ''[runs to him]'' Brian! Brian, can you hear me?! :'''Peter''': Holy crap, what the hell happened?! :'''Squirrel''': ''[runs to Brian, kicks his head, and spits]'' That guy sucked! ''[runs away]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Peter is sitting next to a beheaded chicken carrying his head]'' :'''Peter''': Aren't you supposed to be running around? :'''Chicken''': Don't talk to me. You have a bad reputation in the chicken community. <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': Damn it, Brian, you can't die! We were gonna do so many things together! We were gonna become windsurfers! I was gonna be a little better than you, but we were both gonna be good! :''[Brian groans]'' :'''Lois''': You guys, I think- I think Brian's trying to say something. :'''Brian''': ''[last words]'' You... You've given me a wonderful life... I love you all. ''[smiles gently before quietly passing away]'' :'''Doctor''': ''[checks his heartbeat, but no response]'' I'm sorry, he's gone. :'''Chris''': ''[voice breaking]'' Oh, my God, he's... :'''Lois''': ''[voice breaking]'' Yes, Chris... I'm afraid... I'm afraid that Brian is dead! ''[sobs]'' ===''[[w:Into Harmony's Way|Into Harmony's Way]]''=== :'''Quagmire''': ''[meditating]'' I can be Giggity. I can be Goo. <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': Meg, could you zip up your fly? That's kind of wafting over here. <hr width=50%> :'''Chris''': So did you get a lot of trim on the road? :'''Peter''': ''[nodding]'' Chris, that's wildly inappropriate. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Quagmire? I thought you were still out on the road! :'''Quagmire''': I was, but what was Simon without Garfunkel? :'''Peter''': Wildly successful? <hr width=50%> :'''Kermit''': Piggy, I don't think Kermie Jr. isn't feeling well. :'''Kermie Jr.''': <big>'''KILL ME I'M IN CONSTANT PAIN!!!!'''</big> ===''[[w:Christmas Guy|Christmas Guy]]''=== :'''Lois''': It's Stewie's first Christmas! :'''Stewie''': Again? <hr width=50%> :'''Vinny''': Whose leg do you gotta gagoosh to get an Amaretto around here? <hr width=50%> :'''Vinny''': Georgette, I'm coming home. :'''Stewie''': Who the hell is Georgette? <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': ''[comes from the future and sees Brian on the street. He sees the car heading right for him and runs to him]'' Brian, look out! ''[pushes him out of the way, letting the hockey stick and toy net to get broken by the car]'' :'''Brian''': What the hell?! :'''Stewie''': You're alive, my friend! ''[hugs him]'' :'''Brian''': What? Of course, I'm alive. What the hell's going on here? :'''Stewie''': Brian, ''[points at the car]'' that car killed you, and when it did, a little part of me died as well. I couldn't live without you, so I came back from the future to save your life. :'''Brian''': Wait a minute. What are you talking about? I saw you destroy your time machine. :'''Stewie''': Yes, but luckily, I ran into another me from the past, so I stole his return pad and came back here. Oh, that reminds me. I better send this back to where it came from. <hr width=50%> :'''Brian''': Wow, Stewie, thank you for saving my life! Y'know, a whole lot of other families would've just gotten another dog and moved on. :'''Stewie''': Oh, oh, w...we could, we could never do something like that, Brian! ''[starts to fade away]'' :'''Brian''': Stewie, wh-what's happening to you? :'''Stewie''': ''[looks at himself]'' I think...my timeline has been erased! The timeline where you died no longer exists! Merry Christmas, Brian. ''[finally fades away]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': Hey, who are you talking to out here? :'''Brian''': A pretty awesome guy. <hr width=50%> :'''Brian''': Thanks for everything, Stewie. You're my best friend, and I love you. :'''Stewie''': All I can say, Brian, is you've been making really creepy eye contact with me all morning, and I want it to stop right now. ===''[[w:Peter Problems|Peter Problems]]''=== :''[on Lois being hired at the grocery store]'' :'''Stewie''': You know you've made it when you've got a teenage boss. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': My hog cannot partake in the slop this evening. <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Oh, Peter, you're up. :'''Stewie''': That's not what I heard. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter is reluctant to see Dr. Hartman about his impotency, stating he is embarrassed]'' :'''Lois''': This shouldn't embarrass you, the size should embarrass you. ===''[[w:Grimm Job|Grimm Job]]''=== :'''Peter''': ''Jack and the Beanstalk''. And that title could be a fairy tale or porn. Let's find out. <hr width=50%> :'''Rumpleforeskin/Quagmire''': Where'd that thing come from? It's blocking my view of Little Miss Muffet's tuffet. <hr width=50%> :''[after the woodsman kills the wolf with a chainsaw]'' :'''Little Red Riding Hood/Stewie''': You know, I'm not sure if that's our hero, or just a lunatic going house-to-house murdering people. ===''[[w:Brian's a Bad Father|Brian's a Bad Father]]''=== :'''Quagmire''': ''[to Peter]'' You can't even walk and chew gum at the same time! :''[cutaway to Lois walking on the sidewalk]'' :'''Lois''': Come on! :''[pull out to reveal Peter chewing gum while lying down on his face]'' :'''Peter''': I'm doin' somethin'. ''[chews]'' One thing at a time! :''[cutaway back to bar]'' :'''Quagmire''': DAMN IT, PETER, THAT'S IT! I AM DONE! I'M DONE WITH YOU! I'M DONE WITH ALL YOUR CRAP, I NEVER WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN! THIS FRIENDSHIP IS OVER! ''[leaves]'' :'''Peter''': Well fine! I don't need your friendship anyway. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Now this is a gun without a safety. :''[Peter's gun shots Quagmire, who screams in pain]'' :'''Peter''': Quite the difference, huh? :'''Quagmire''': DAMN IT, PETER, YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU SHOT ME! :'''Joe''': Oh my god, Peter, that must be the dumbest thing you're ever done. :'''Peter''' No. The dumbest I ever did was open that can of Whupass <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': All right, Quagmire, I have given this a lot of thought. I need you to shoot me in the arm and we can be friends again. :'''Quagmire''': Okay. :'''Peter''': ''[after realizing what he just told Quagmire]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, I was supposed to offer, and then you were supposed to say, "No, Peter, I'm not gonna shoot you, although I do appreciate the gesture." :'''Quagmire''': Hand me the gun, Peter. :'''Peter''': I, uh, pass the test? :'''Quagmire''': No, Peter. I'm gonna shoot you like a dirty animal. ===''[[w:Mom's the Word|Mom's the Word]]''=== :''[during a meeting at the Pawtucket Brewery]'' :'''Angela''': So as you can see, our output is up 1 1/2%. That's not net, I'm talking gross. :'''Peter''': ''[under his breath]'' You do everything gross. ===''[[w:3 Acts of God|3 Acts of God]]''=== :'''Quagmire''': C'mon, guys! It's game time! :'''Peter''': Alright! This is the greatest Sunday tradition ever...except for getting all my cutaway gags ready for the week. ''[cutaway]'' Okay, my great uncle wears a ski hat all the time Griffin will be followed by [[w:Nick Nolte|Nick Nolte]]'s handkerchief, followed by [[Japanese]] [[Abe Lincoln]], and then Monkey Rabbi. Hey, where's the Monkey Rabbi? Here's your torah, you'll be here on Tuesday at 9:00. Check in with Shirley. :'''Darth Vader''': You gonna need me this week? :'''Peter''': Uh, maybe. Maybe Friday. Uh, now where are the gays? :'''Gay Man''': Over here. :'''Peter''': No, no, no. The really cartoony gays. :'''Cartoony Gay Guy''': ''Yoooo-hoooooo!!!'' :'''Peter''': There you are, we're gonna need you guys all week. <hr width=50%> :'''Cleveland''': Hey, Death. What are you doing here? :'''Death''': Actually, I'm...here for your show. :'''Cleveland''': Ah, come on, man. I'm on vacation. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': And you still won't give us an Emmy?! Come on!! If ''[[Modern Family]]'' did that joke, you'd be carryin' 'em around on your shoulders!! ===''[[w:Fresh Heir|Fresh Heir]]''=== :'''Chris''': Hey, Dad, are you busy? I was thinking we could spend some time together. :'''Peter''': Okay, are you a television set of the Internet? :'''Chris''': No. :'''Peter''': Oh, then no. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter checks up on his hairless twin brother]'' :'''Peter's Twin''': Close the door! The moonlight burns! :'''Peter''': It's almost Christmas. It's almost Christmas. :'''Peter's Twin''': Christmas? :'''Peter''': Yes. Keep being good, and all the eggshells and coffee grounds will be yours. :'''Peter's Twin''': Can I meet the family? :'''Peter''': You've overstepped! No Christmas! <hr width=50%> :'''Carter''': ''[about his broken leg]'' The worst part about it is I can't have sex! God, I wish there was a way I could just do it myself, y'know, just to be done and napping within four minutes. :'''Chris''': Let me show you something... :''[time lapse. Carter looks relaxed]'' :'''Carter''': That... was... amazing! And Lynda Carter wasn't actually here? :'''Chris''': No, that was just in your mind! :'''Carter''': Incredible! So you can do that, like what, once a year or something? :'''Chris''': No, you can do it basically whenever you're not doing something else. :'''Carter''': Cool! Hey, next time I wanna try it with my hand. ===''[[w:Secondhand Spoke|Secondhand Spoke]]''=== :''[Stewie criticizes Brian's texting and driving]'' :'''Stewie''': That was a stroller, not a speedbump. <hr width=50%> :'''Chris''': What if I said "Hey there, shorty!"? :'''Stewie''': I'd say "Have another donut, you albino gorilla." ===''[[w:Herpe the Love Sore|Herpe the Love Sore]]''=== :'''Tough guy''': Smells like this guy's already wet himself. :'''Peter''': Don't flatter yourself, that was from this morning. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter receives a package that is actually addressed to Quagmire]'' :'''Peter''': Huh, it says "Glenn Quagmire". But if you squint and imagine it says "Peter Griffin", it says "Peter Griffin". :'''Lois''': Peter, it's Quagmire's. Take it next door. :'''Peter''': Now, now, hold on, Lois. Now, this poses a very difficult ethical dilemma. Do I deliver the package to its rightful owner? Or do I open it up and see if it contains He-Mans? :'''Lois''': Do not open that box! <hr width=50%> :''[in a cutaway, Dorothy, the Scarecrow, and the Tin Man are walking along the yellow brick road, but stop when they see the Cowardly Lion standing in front of them]'' :'''Cowardly Lion''': Hey. I'm the Rational Lion. ''(as he's flipping them off)'' So fuck you guys. <hr width=50%> :''[in a cutaway, Peter is doing a game called "God With Ants"]'' :'''Peter''': You shall battle to the death, or the winner will be given his freedom! Why are you looking at me like that? :'''Lois''': Peter, would you like a glass of-- ''[sees a decapitated Peter with a bloodied neck]'' <big>'''OH MY GOD! I TOLD YOU NOT TO PLAY GOD WITH THOSE ANTS!'''</big> ===''[[w:The Most Interesting Man in the World (Family Guy)|The Most Interesting Man in the World]]''=== :''[Bonnie obliterates a target of a figure in a wheelchair at the shooting range]'' :'''Joe''': I think next time you should bring someone else. <hr width=50%> :''[Stewie arrives just after Peter takes the wrong kid at the park]'' :'''Stewie''': Hey, what happened to my new friend...that kid who sort of looks like me from behind? <hr width=50%> :''[the family greets Peter after he has refined himself]'' :'''Chris''': How were all your business trips? :'''Peter''': Oh, exemplary, Chris. :'''Chris''': I don't understand what either of those words mean. :'''Stewie''': One of them was "Chris." <hr width=60%> :'''Peter''': Shall we away for "relations"? :'''Lois''': I'm not sure what you're saying, but let's hump! <hr width=60%> :'''Lois''': What's wrong with you, Peter?! :'''Peter''': Lois, I'm sorry. :'''Lois''': How the hell can you possibly mistake another baby for Stewie?! :'''Peter''': Now, calm down, Lois. You're gonna say something you don't mean. :'''Lois''': ''[Angry]'' Oh, no, I'm not! ''You're an idiot!'' :'''Peter''': ''[Hurt]'' You don't mean that. :'''Stewie''': ''[Stewie looks Facebook on the phone]'' I already got a Facebook friend request from the dad. Is that weird? :'''Lois''': Peter, I have put up with your nonsense for 20 years, but today you crossed the line! You left a helpless baby in the public park and that's something only an ''idiot'' would do! :''[Lois storms off with Stewie leaving Peter upset]'' :'''Peter''': I'm not an idiot! :''[There's a knock on the door and Peter opens it to find a man with one eye]'' :'''One-eyed man''': Hey, I think there was a mix-up at the park. ''[he gives Peter his eye back]'' ===''[[w:Baby Got Black|Baby Got Black]]''=== :'''Peter''': Awesome! <hr width=50%> :''[Chris receives a steamy goodbye kiss from Pam at a restaurant in front of the lobster tank]'' :'''Lobster''': Hey, Chris...these ''[clacks its claws]'' on her nipples. Ha, ha, ha. :'''Chris''': ''[to a passing waiter]'' Kill that one. ===''[[w:Meg Stinks!|Meg Stinks!]]''=== :'''Skunk''': ''[to Brian]'' Oh, you don't like smell, huh? Well, sniff on this! <hr width=50%> :'''Retep''': My name is Retep and I am evil! <hr width=50%> :'''Brian''': Holy crap! I'm so much faster on all fours! ''[trips over a rock and groans]'' What's that big rock doing there? :'''Retep''': (cackles maniacally) <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Huh. Look down there. That guy looks like me with a green shirt. He's murdering a lady! <hr width=50%> :''[after Stewie has been jailed for showing his penis at Mardi Gras]'' :'''Stewie''': The rules of this city are very unclear. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter reveals he would have rather have been a podiatrist but gave it up to become a family man]'' :'''Meg''': You never got to pursue your dream. No wonder you hate me. :'''Peter''': I don't hate ya, Meg. You're my kid. <hr width=50%> :'''Meg''': Dad I'm sorry to tell you this but I can't go with you. :'''Peter''': Are you sure? :'''Meg''': I just got off the phone with Green Mountain College and they said they'll let me reschedule my interview so I'm going to drive back up there it's time for me to get serious about my life and start taking some responsibility. ===''[[w:He's Bla-ack!|He's Bla-ack!]]''=== :'''Cleveland''': Wassup?! ''[''[[The Cleveland Show]]'' theme music plays as Cleveland approaches the guys]'' :'''Peter''': ''[normally]'' Oh, hey, Cleveland! :'''Joe''': Hi! :'''Quagmire''': Wait, don't you have a show to do...''[chuckles]'' Oh wait, that's right! :'''Cleveland''': Alright, I knew this was comin', everybody gimme your best shot. :'''Quagmire''': Oh, my G... Where do I even begin? Y'know, it's not a good sign that this is the first time a lot of people are realizing you had a show! :'''Joe''': Your logo was stupid. Looked like a big purple penis and your ratings blew. :'''Cleveland''': We did about the same as ''[[Bob's Burgers]]''. :'''Quagmire''': That's your bar?! Oh, shame on you! :'''Cleveland''': This is good. This is constructive. :'''Quagmire''': The talking bear was so bad, [[Seth MacFarlane]] quit voicing him after [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2|Season 2]]. :'''Cleveland''': It's hard to make a talkin' bear funny. :'''Quagmire''': ''[laughs]'' It worked out okay in movie form. :'''Joe''': What was supposed to be the show's audience? Who did you make it for? Like, some black guy who never met another black guy? :'''Cleveland''': Anything else? :'''Peter''': Yeah, here's four seasons worth of DVDs of what we've been up to. Y'know, just so you're back up to speed. And I'll warn ya ahead of time, these have jokes in 'em. :'''Cleveland''': I...I don't have a DVD player. <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': Hey, Lois, look, I'm smoking! You can't control dick! I'm a roof baby now! ===''[[w:Chap Stewie|Chap Stewie]]''=== :''[Stewie sees an alternate view of the theme song from before he was born and comments on Lois]'' :'''Stewie''': She is camel-toeing the hell out of that leotard. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter and Chris''': Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! :'''Stewie''': What is that? What's happening? :'''Peter and Chris''': ''[carrying mattresses]'' Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! :'''Brian''': Peter, what are you doing? :'''Peter''': Playing "Unga-Bunga". It's the championship. :'''Stewie''': Go away! This is why Zillow estimates our house at $4.00. :'''Brian''': What the hell is "Unga-Bunga"? :'''Peter''': It's a game where two guys run into each other with mattresses and, um, that's kinda it. :'''Chris''': Stop explaining the rules to the dog! Let's do this! :''[Chris and Peter run into each other with mattresses]'' :'''Stewie''': Stop it! I'm trying to watch my program! :'''Peter''': Whoa, Chris, look! Mom's naked! :'''Chris''': Where? :'''Peter''': ''[whacks Chris with his mattress]'' You creep. ''[Chris crashes into the TV and breaks it]'' :'''Stewie''': ''(gasps)'' No! :'''Lois''': Peter, what's going on in... :'''Peter''': ''[whacks Lois with his mattress]'' Unga-Bunga! :'''Stewie''': You imbeciles! You've ruined my night! I asked for one thing in this house! :'''Brian''': Stewie, just watch your show upstairs. :'''Stewie''': I don't want to watch it upstairs on the small TV, I want to watch it downstairs on the big TV! [his face turns red as he starts crying] I WANNA WATCH MY SHOW! (crying) :'''Lois''': Oh no, Stewie's havin' a tantrum. Come here, sweetie. :''[Stewie bites Lois' thumb]'' :'''Lois''': '''OW!''' Screw you, ya little turd! :''[Stewie throws a photo right at the door and it crashes]'' :'''Meg''': ''[enters the living room]'' What's all that noise? [sees Stewie upset]'' Aw, do you want a hug from your big sister? ''[picks Stewie up and is headbutted]'' '''OW!''' <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': You just earned yourself a time-out, young man. Now, you stay here until you can behave. ''[she closes the door]'' :'''Stewie''': I HATE YOU! You always ruin everything! God, it's a family of idiots! I wish...I wish I was never born! ''[he sees Rupert wearing a fire helmet]'' Not tonight, Rupert. I'm much too upset. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter is shown using all the outlets for toasters]'' :'''Peter''': Toast house! <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Oh my god, Peter. What happened to your hair? :'''Peter''': I don't know. I'm bald! You did this! What the hell is the matter with you?! :'''Lois''': I didn't do it, but you look cool. :'''Peter''': I do? :'''Lois''': Yeah, you look like you could be a celebrity. <hr width=50%> :''[Stewie is on the stairs watching Peter and Lois arguing downstairs]'' :'''Peter''': Lois, what the hell did you do?! I just got a note from Goodwill thanking me for donating all my porn. :'''Lois''': WHAT?! I'm sick and tired of you blaming me for things I didn't do! And I've got a bone to pick with you! I don't appreciate how you spray-painted "vile woman" on the bedroom wall. :'''Peter''': That wasn't me! It must've been one of the kids! :'''Lois''': That's ridiculous, Peter! Chris can't write, and we don't allow Meg upstairs! :''[In a cutaway, Meg is stuck in the basement, and she scratches the door]'' :'''Peter''': Well, you know what? I'm starting to think whoever wrote that is right! :'''Lois''': Well, maybe I don't want to live with someone who doesn't respect me! :'''Peter''': Well then, maybe I should just leave! :'''Lois''': And where are you gonna go?! You got nothing else and nobody else! :'''Stewie''': And now for the closer. ==External links== {{wikipedia|Family Guy}} [[Category:Family Guy seasons]] c13k339dsrt79acr53m37pkzues0nzg 3157911 3157884 2022-08-25T17:50:43Z Ijs89000 3124205 /* Vestigial Peter */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[Family Guy]]''''' is an animated television series created by [[Seth MacFarlane]] for [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|FOX]] in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]], production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005. :'' ''Family Guy'' and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the'' Wikimedia Foundation ''DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, ''The Wikimedia Foundation,'' have any affiliation with 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape or form.'' :''Please read [[Family Guy/Format]] for notes on how to use and edit this article.'' ===''[[w:Finders Keepers (Family Guy)|Finders Keepers]]''=== :'''Peter''': ''[to Lois]'' I want you on my team for everything... except for sports. <hr width=50%> :''[Stewie farts on Peter while he's sitting at the table reading a newspaper with an electric fan going. The fart travels back to Stewie]'' :'''Stewie''': Ah! Friendly fire! <hr width=50%> :''[a group stands graveside]'' :'''Quagmire''': We're supposed to dig this kid up. Any volunteers? :'''Herbert''': ''[in mining gear]'' I dig kids. <hr width=50%> :''[Chris jets skis to Block Island with Meg]'' :'''Chris''': Why are your nipples poking into me?! :'''Meg''': Sorry! That happens when I'm cold. :'''Chris''': But why are there 3 of them?! :'''Meg''': There aren't! Two of them are moles. :'''Chris''': Those numbers still don't add up! <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Oh, look who's back; the grave robber. :'''Peter''': Hey, Lois. :'''Lois''': So, what happened? You find your treasure? :'''Peter''': No, I realised something after you left; It's not the treasure that matters. All that really matters is the money you get in exchange for the treasure. I guess I had to learn that the hard way. ===''[[w:Vestigial Peter|Vestigial Peter]]''=== :'''Chip''': Her voice! It's like God sneezing! <hr width=50%> :''[after Chip has sex with Angela]'' :'''Peter''': ''[glumly]'' Welp, now we know. I can taste what he eats. <hr width=50%> :'''Teacher at a PTA meeting''': So, in short; your kids are all doing great. Keep reading to them every night and I think we're going to have a great year. So, unless there's any questions, thank you all for coming. :'''Cheetah''': Eh, yeah... I noticed the hot lunch menu doesn't feature any gazelle. :''[all the parents sigh]'' :'''Teacher''': I'll bring that up to the board. :'''Cheetah''': Yeah, see... I-I heard that last year and ''[laughing]'' he-h-here we are again. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter is at the bar talking to his friends about Chip]'' :'''Quagmire''': Remind me again. Chip is that [[African]] kid you adopted? :'''Peter''': No that's ''Chocolate'' Chip. We gave him back to [[Kenya]]. ===''[[w:Quagmire's Quagmire|Quagmire's Quagmire]]''=== :''[Sonja smiles darkly as she locks a battered Quagmire in the trunk of his car]'' :'''Sonja''': Giggity. :'''Quagmire''': That's my line. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter and Joe pound on the door of a storage unit while searching for Quagmire]'' :'''Joe''': Quagmire, you in there?! :''[muffled sounds from Quagmire are heard]'' :'''Peter''': Oh, he's eating. ''[shouts at the door]'' We'll come back when you're done eating! <hr width=50%> :'''Ida''': Okay, you guys. Where should we start looking for Glen? :'''Peter''': Well, sometimes Quagmire likes to hang out under all the clutter in my garage, so why don't we just start sorting stuff and throwing stuff away, but obviously checking with me first before you throw stuff away. ===''[[w:A Fistful of Meg|A Fistful of Meg]]''=== :'''Meg''': He's going to kill me! I can already picture my funeral! :''[cutaway to a graveside service, where Peter runs in and throws Meg's corpse under another casket]'' :'''Peter''': Thanks, didn't want to pay for the hole. <hr width=50%> :''[Meg looks to Chris for support against Michael Pulaski]'' :'''Meg''': Chris, you have my back, right? :'''Chris''': I don't know. ''[lifts his shirt and sees his back covered with bacne]'' Yeah. <hr width=50%> :'''Mailman''': ''[after Brian opens the door]'' Brian Griffin? :'''Brian''': Uh, yeah, that's me. :'''Mailman''': ''[gives the package to Brian]'' Here you go. :''[Brian takes off the tape and opens the package]'' :'''Brian''': ''[sees something terrible in the package, it's revealed to be Peter's penis he cut off]'' Aah! Oh, God! :'''Peter''': ''[laughs]'' What's in the box, Brian? I got you good! ''[Blood is coming out and comes to Peter's pants]'' I don't feel right. I want it back. ''[Collapses]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Brian''': You gonna put your clothes on? :'''Peter''': Yes, yes, I swear. :'''Brian''': You gonna keep 'em on? :'''Peter''': Yes, I promise. I'll never bother you again with my body. Please, just make this stop! :'''Brian''': Good. :'''Chris''': Dad, can you give me a ride to the-- ''[screams]'' What is that thing?! Make it go away! ''[claws his eyes out]'' :'''Lois''': What's going on in here? ''[seeing that Brian has shaved off all his fur]'' Oh my god, is that a rat?! Peter, hold it down, I'm getting the gun! ===''[[w:Boopa-dee Bappa-dee|Boopa-dee Bappa-dee]]''=== :'''Man''': You renounced your citizenship? :'''Peter''': Oh, I did that on the Italian "Shut-up-a-You-Facebook." <hr width=50%> :''[the morning after sex in Italy]'' :'''Lois''': Last night was the best sex I ever had. :'''Peter''': Me too. We haven't done it like that since we were engaged, but allowed to sleep with other people. :'''Lois''': What are you talking about? <hr width=50%> :''[Peter barges it to tell the kids about staying in Italy]'' :'''Peter''': Kids, I've got an announcement... :'''Stewie''': ''[sitting near the hem of Peter's robe on the floor]'' He's wearing a rubber. :'''Peter''': We're staying in Italy. We're Italian now. :'''Brian''': What?! :'''Meg''': Are you kidding? :'''Stewie''': Well, if we're going to be Italian, I guess we should start murdering our brothers. :''[slips behind Chris with a garrote and proceeds to strangle him]'' :'''Chris''': What are you... ''[starts to choke and struggle]'' :'''Stewie''': ''[in an Italian-accented whisper]'' You break-a my heart, Chris. You break-a my heart. <hr width="50"> :'''Stewie''': There. Now I said it. So shut your mouth. ===''[[w:Life of Brian (Family Guy)|Life of Brian]]''=== :'''Stewie''': ''[sees a car heading towards Brian]'' Brian, look out! '[the car runs over Brian, breaking the hockey stick, and the toy net]'' Aah, Brian! ''[runs to him]'' :'''Lois''': ''[runs out of the house with Peter, Chris, and Meg and saw Brian hurt]'' Oh, my God! ''[runs to him]'' Brian! Brian, can you hear me?! :'''Peter''': Holy crap, what the hell happened?! :'''Squirrel''': ''[runs to Brian, kicks his head, and spits]'' That guy sucked! ''[runs away]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Peter is sitting next to a beheaded chicken carrying his head]'' :'''Peter''': Aren't you supposed to be running around? :'''Chicken''': Don't talk to me. You have a bad reputation in the chicken community. <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': Damn it, Brian, you can't die! We were gonna do so many things together! We were gonna become windsurfers! I was gonna be a little better than you, but we were both gonna be good! :''[Brian groans]'' :'''Lois''': You guys, I think- I think Brian's trying to say something. :'''Brian''': ''[last words]'' You... You've given me a wonderful life... I love you all. ''[smiles gently before quietly passing away]'' :'''Doctor''': ''[checks his heartbeat, but no response]'' I'm sorry, he's gone. :'''Chris''': ''[voice breaking]'' Oh, my God, he's... :'''Lois''': ''[voice breaking]'' Yes, Chris... I'm afraid... I'm afraid that Brian is dead! ''[sobs]'' ===''[[w:Into Harmony's Way|Into Harmony's Way]]''=== :'''Quagmire''': ''[meditating]'' I can be Giggity. I can be Goo. <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': Meg, could you zip up your fly? That's kind of wafting over here. <hr width=50%> :'''Chris''': So did you get a lot of trim on the road? :'''Peter''': ''[nodding]'' Chris, that's wildly inappropriate. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Quagmire? I thought you were still out on the road! :'''Quagmire''': I was, but what was Simon without Garfunkel? :'''Peter''': Wildly successful? <hr width=50%> :'''Kermit''': Piggy, I don't think Kermie Jr. isn't feeling well. :'''Kermie Jr.''': <big>'''KILL ME I'M IN CONSTANT PAIN!!!!'''</big> ===''[[w:Christmas Guy|Christmas Guy]]''=== :'''Lois''': It's Stewie's first Christmas! :'''Stewie''': Again? <hr width=50%> :'''Vinny''': Whose leg do you gotta gagoosh to get an Amaretto around here? <hr width=50%> :'''Vinny''': Georgette, I'm coming home. :'''Stewie''': Who the hell is Georgette? <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': ''[comes from the future and sees Brian on the street. He sees the car heading right for him and runs to him]'' Brian, look out! ''[pushes him out of the way, letting the hockey stick and toy net to get broken by the car]'' :'''Brian''': What the hell?! :'''Stewie''': You're alive, my friend! ''[hugs him]'' :'''Brian''': What? Of course, I'm alive. What the hell's going on here? :'''Stewie''': Brian, ''[points at the car]'' that car killed you, and when it did, a little part of me died as well. I couldn't live without you, so I came back from the future to save your life. :'''Brian''': Wait a minute. What are you talking about? I saw you destroy your time machine. :'''Stewie''': Yes, but luckily, I ran into another me from the past, so I stole his return pad and came back here. Oh, that reminds me. I better send this back to where it came from. <hr width=50%> :'''Brian''': Wow, Stewie, thank you for saving my life! Y'know, a whole lot of other families would've just gotten another dog and moved on. :'''Stewie''': Oh, oh, w...we could, we could never do something like that, Brian! ''[starts to fade away]'' :'''Brian''': Stewie, wh-what's happening to you? :'''Stewie''': ''[looks at himself]'' I think...my timeline has been erased! The timeline where you died no longer exists! Merry Christmas, Brian. ''[finally fades away]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': Hey, who are you talking to out here? :'''Brian''': A pretty awesome guy. <hr width=50%> :'''Brian''': Thanks for everything, Stewie. You're my best friend, and I love you. :'''Stewie''': All I can say, Brian, is you've been making really creepy eye contact with me all morning, and I want it to stop right now. ===''[[w:Peter Problems|Peter Problems]]''=== :''[on Lois being hired at the grocery store]'' :'''Stewie''': You know you've made it when you've got a teenage boss. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': My hog cannot partake in the slop this evening. <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Oh, Peter, you're up. :'''Stewie''': That's not what I heard. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter is reluctant to see Dr. Hartman about his impotency, stating he is embarrassed]'' :'''Lois''': This shouldn't embarrass you, the size should embarrass you. ===''[[w:Grimm Job|Grimm Job]]''=== :'''Peter''': ''Jack and the Beanstalk''. And that title could be a fairy tale or porn. Let's find out. <hr width=50%> :'''Rumpleforeskin/Quagmire''': Where'd that thing come from? It's blocking my view of Little Miss Muffet's tuffet. <hr width=50%> :''[after the woodsman kills the wolf with a chainsaw]'' :'''Little Red Riding Hood/Stewie''': You know, I'm not sure if that's our hero, or just a lunatic going house-to-house murdering people. ===''[[w:Brian's a Bad Father|Brian's a Bad Father]]''=== :'''Quagmire''': ''[to Peter]'' You can't even walk and chew gum at the same time! :''[cutaway to Lois walking on the sidewalk]'' :'''Lois''': Come on! :''[pull out to reveal Peter chewing gum while lying down on his face]'' :'''Peter''': I'm doin' somethin'. ''[chews]'' One thing at a time! :''[cutaway back to bar]'' :'''Quagmire''': DAMN IT, PETER, THAT'S IT! I AM DONE! I'M DONE WITH YOU! I'M DONE WITH ALL YOUR CRAP, I NEVER WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN! THIS FRIENDSHIP IS OVER! ''[leaves]'' :'''Peter''': Well fine! I don't need your friendship anyway. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Now this is a gun without a safety. :''[Peter's gun shots Quagmire, who screams in pain]'' :'''Peter''': Quite the difference, huh? :'''Quagmire''': DAMN IT, PETER, YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU SHOT ME! :'''Joe''': Oh my god, Peter, that must be the dumbest thing you're ever done. :'''Peter''' No. The dumbest I ever did was open that can of Whupass <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': All right, Quagmire, I have given this a lot of thought. I need you to shoot me in the arm and we can be friends again. :'''Quagmire''': Okay. :'''Peter''': ''[after realizing what he just told Quagmire]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, I was supposed to offer, and then you were supposed to say, "No, Peter, I'm not gonna shoot you, although I do appreciate the gesture." :'''Quagmire''': Hand me the gun, Peter. :'''Peter''': I, uh, pass the test? :'''Quagmire''': No, Peter. I'm gonna shoot you like a dirty animal. ===''[[w:Mom's the Word|Mom's the Word]]''=== :''[during a meeting at the Pawtucket Brewery]'' :'''Angela''': So as you can see, our output is up 1 1/2%. That's not net, I'm talking gross. :'''Peter''': ''[under his breath]'' You do everything gross. ===''[[w:3 Acts of God|3 Acts of God]]''=== :'''Quagmire''': C'mon, guys! It's game time! :'''Peter''': Alright! This is the greatest Sunday tradition ever...except for getting all my cutaway gags ready for the week. ''[cutaway]'' Okay, my great uncle wears a ski hat all the time Griffin will be followed by [[w:Nick Nolte|Nick Nolte]]'s handkerchief, followed by [[Japanese]] [[Abe Lincoln]], and then Monkey Rabbi. Hey, where's the Monkey Rabbi? Here's your torah, you'll be here on Tuesday at 9:00. Check in with Shirley. :'''Darth Vader''': You gonna need me this week? :'''Peter''': Uh, maybe. Maybe Friday. Uh, now where are the gays? :'''Gay Man''': Over here. :'''Peter''': No, no, no. The really cartoony gays. :'''Cartoony Gay Guy''': ''Yoooo-hoooooo!!!'' :'''Peter''': There you are, we're gonna need you guys all week. <hr width=50%> :'''Cleveland''': Hey, Death. What are you doing here? :'''Death''': Actually, I'm...here for your show. :'''Cleveland''': Ah, come on, man. I'm on vacation. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': And you still won't give us an Emmy?! Come on!! If ''[[Modern Family]]'' did that joke, you'd be carryin' 'em around on your shoulders!! ===''[[w:Fresh Heir|Fresh Heir]]''=== :'''Chris''': Hey, Dad, are you busy? I was thinking we could spend some time together. :'''Peter''': Okay, are you a television set of the Internet? :'''Chris''': No. :'''Peter''': Oh, then no. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter checks up on his hairless twin brother]'' :'''Peter's Twin''': Close the door! The moonlight burns! :'''Peter''': It's almost Christmas. It's almost Christmas. :'''Peter's Twin''': Christmas? :'''Peter''': Yes. Keep being good, and all the eggshells and coffee grounds will be yours. :'''Peter's Twin''': Can I meet the family? :'''Peter''': You've overstepped! No Christmas! <hr width=50%> :'''Carter''': ''[about his broken leg]'' The worst part about it is I can't have sex! God, I wish there was a way I could just do it myself, y'know, just to be done and napping within four minutes. :'''Chris''': Let me show you something... :''[time lapse. Carter looks relaxed]'' :'''Carter''': That... was... amazing! And Lynda Carter wasn't actually here? :'''Chris''': No, that was just in your mind! :'''Carter''': Incredible! So you can do that, like what, once a year or something? :'''Chris''': No, you can do it basically whenever you're not doing something else. :'''Carter''': Cool! Hey, next time I wanna try it with my hand. ===''[[w:Secondhand Spoke|Secondhand Spoke]]''=== :''[Stewie criticizes Brian's texting and driving]'' :'''Stewie''': That was a stroller, not a speedbump. <hr width=50%> :'''Chris''': What if I said "Hey there, shorty!"? :'''Stewie''': I'd say "Have another donut, you albino gorilla." ===''[[w:Herpe the Love Sore|Herpe the Love Sore]]''=== :'''Tough guy''': Smells like this guy's already wet himself. :'''Peter''': Don't flatter yourself, that was from this morning. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter receives a package that is actually addressed to Quagmire]'' :'''Peter''': Huh, it says "Glenn Quagmire". But if you squint and imagine it says "Peter Griffin", it says "Peter Griffin". :'''Lois''': Peter, it's Quagmire's. Take it next door. :'''Peter''': Now, now, hold on, Lois. Now, this poses a very difficult ethical dilemma. Do I deliver the package to its rightful owner? Or do I open it up and see if it contains He-Mans? :'''Lois''': Do not open that box! <hr width=50%> :''[in a cutaway, Dorothy, the Scarecrow, and the Tin Man are walking along the yellow brick road, but stop when they see the Cowardly Lion standing in front of them]'' :'''Cowardly Lion''': Hey. I'm the Rational Lion. ''(as he's flipping them off)'' So fuck you guys. <hr width=50%> :''[in a cutaway, Peter is doing a game called "God With Ants"]'' :'''Peter''': You shall battle to the death, or the winner will be given his freedom! Why are you looking at me like that? :'''Lois''': Peter, would you like a glass of-- ''[sees a decapitated Peter with a bloodied neck]'' <big>'''OH MY GOD! I TOLD YOU NOT TO PLAY GOD WITH THOSE ANTS!'''</big> ===''[[w:The Most Interesting Man in the World (Family Guy)|The Most Interesting Man in the World]]''=== :''[Bonnie obliterates a target of a figure in a wheelchair at the shooting range]'' :'''Joe''': I think next time you should bring someone else. <hr width=50%> :''[Stewie arrives just after Peter takes the wrong kid at the park]'' :'''Stewie''': Hey, what happened to my new friend...that kid who sort of looks like me from behind? <hr width=50%> :''[the family greets Peter after he has refined himself]'' :'''Chris''': How were all your business trips? :'''Peter''': Oh, exemplary, Chris. :'''Chris''': I don't understand what either of those words mean. :'''Stewie''': One of them was "Chris." <hr width=60%> :'''Peter''': Shall we away for "relations"? :'''Lois''': I'm not sure what you're saying, but let's hump! <hr width=60%> :'''Lois''': What's wrong with you, Peter?! :'''Peter''': Lois, I'm sorry. :'''Lois''': How the hell can you possibly mistake another baby for Stewie?! :'''Peter''': Now, calm down, Lois. You're gonna say something you don't mean. :'''Lois''': ''[Angry]'' Oh, no, I'm not! ''You're an idiot!'' :'''Peter''': ''[Hurt]'' You don't mean that. :'''Stewie''': ''[Stewie looks Facebook on the phone]'' I already got a Facebook friend request from the dad. Is that weird? :'''Lois''': Peter, I have put up with your nonsense for 20 years, but today you crossed the line! You left a helpless baby in the public park and that's something only an ''idiot'' would do! :''[Lois storms off with Stewie leaving Peter upset]'' :'''Peter''': I'm not an idiot! :''[There's a knock on the door and Peter opens it to find a man with one eye]'' :'''One-eyed man''': Hey, I think there was a mix-up at the park. ''[he gives Peter his eye back]'' ===''[[w:Baby Got Black|Baby Got Black]]''=== :'''Peter''': Awesome! <hr width=50%> :''[Chris receives a steamy goodbye kiss from Pam at a restaurant in front of the lobster tank]'' :'''Lobster''': Hey, Chris...these ''[clacks its claws]'' on her nipples. Ha, ha, ha. :'''Chris''': ''[to a passing waiter]'' Kill that one. ===''[[w:Meg Stinks!|Meg Stinks!]]''=== :'''Skunk''': ''[to Brian]'' Oh, you don't like smell, huh? Well, sniff on this! <hr width=50%> :'''Retep''': My name is Retep and I am evil! <hr width=50%> :'''Brian''': Holy crap! I'm so much faster on all fours! ''[trips over a rock and groans]'' What's that big rock doing there? :'''Retep''': (cackles maniacally) <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Huh. Look down there. That guy looks like me with a green shirt. He's murdering a lady! <hr width=50%> :''[after Stewie has been jailed for showing his penis at Mardi Gras]'' :'''Stewie''': The rules of this city are very unclear. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter reveals he would have rather have been a podiatrist but gave it up to become a family man]'' :'''Meg''': You never got to pursue your dream. No wonder you hate me. :'''Peter''': I don't hate ya, Meg. You're my kid. <hr width=50%> :'''Meg''': Dad I'm sorry to tell you this but I can't go with you. :'''Peter''': Are you sure? :'''Meg''': I just got off the phone with Green Mountain College and they said they'll let me reschedule my interview so I'm going to drive back up there it's time for me to get serious about my life and start taking some responsibility. ===''[[w:He's Bla-ack!|He's Bla-ack!]]''=== :'''Cleveland''': Wassup?! ''[''[[The Cleveland Show]]'' theme music plays as Cleveland approaches the guys]'' :'''Peter''': ''[normally]'' Oh, hey, Cleveland! :'''Joe''': Hi! :'''Quagmire''': Wait, don't you have a show to do...''[chuckles]'' Oh wait, that's right! :'''Cleveland''': Alright, I knew this was comin', everybody gimme your best shot. :'''Quagmire''': Oh, my G... Where do I even begin? Y'know, it's not a good sign that this is the first time a lot of people are realizing you had a show! :'''Joe''': Your logo was stupid. Looked like a big purple penis and your ratings blew. :'''Cleveland''': We did about the same as ''[[Bob's Burgers]]''. :'''Quagmire''': That's your bar?! Oh, shame on you! :'''Cleveland''': This is good. This is constructive. :'''Quagmire''': The talking bear was so bad, [[Seth MacFarlane]] quit voicing him after [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2|Season 2]]. :'''Cleveland''': It's hard to make a talkin' bear funny. :'''Quagmire''': ''[laughs]'' It worked out okay in movie form. :'''Joe''': What was supposed to be the show's audience? Who did you make it for? Like, some black guy who never met another black guy? :'''Cleveland''': Anything else? :'''Peter''': Yeah, here's four seasons worth of DVDs of what we've been up to. Y'know, just so you're back up to speed. And I'll warn ya ahead of time, these have jokes in 'em. :'''Cleveland''': I...I don't have a DVD player. <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': Hey, Lois, look, I'm smoking! You can't control dick! I'm a roof baby now! ===''[[w:Chap Stewie|Chap Stewie]]''=== :''[Stewie sees an alternate view of the theme song from before he was born and comments on Lois]'' :'''Stewie''': She is camel-toeing the hell out of that leotard. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter and Chris''': Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! :'''Stewie''': What is that? What's happening? :'''Peter and Chris''': ''[carrying mattresses]'' Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! :'''Brian''': Peter, what are you doing? :'''Peter''': Playing "Unga-Bunga". It's the championship. :'''Stewie''': Go away! This is why Zillow estimates our house at $4.00. :'''Brian''': What the hell is "Unga-Bunga"? :'''Peter''': It's a game where two guys run into each other with mattresses and, um, that's kinda it. :'''Chris''': Stop explaining the rules to the dog! Let's do this! :''[Chris and Peter run into each other with mattresses]'' :'''Stewie''': Stop it! I'm trying to watch my program! :'''Peter''': Whoa, Chris, look! Mom's naked! :'''Chris''': Where? :'''Peter''': ''[whacks Chris with his mattress]'' You creep. ''[Chris crashes into the TV and breaks it]'' :'''Stewie''': ''(gasps)'' No! :'''Lois''': Peter, what's going on in... :'''Peter''': ''[whacks Lois with his mattress]'' Unga-Bunga! :'''Stewie''': You imbeciles! You've ruined my night! I asked for one thing in this house! :'''Brian''': Stewie, just watch your show upstairs. :'''Stewie''': I don't want to watch it upstairs on the small TV, I want to watch it downstairs on the big TV! [his face turns red as he starts crying] I WANNA WATCH MY SHOW! (crying) :'''Lois''': Oh no, Stewie's havin' a tantrum. Come here, sweetie. :''[Stewie bites Lois' thumb]'' :'''Lois''': '''OW!''' Screw you, ya little turd! :''[Stewie throws a photo right at the door and it crashes]'' :'''Meg''': ''[enters the living room]'' What's all that noise? [sees Stewie upset]'' Aw, do you want a hug from your big sister? ''[picks Stewie up and is headbutted]'' '''OW!''' <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': You just earned yourself a time-out, young man. Now, you stay here until you can behave. ''[she closes the door]'' :'''Stewie''': I HATE YOU! You always ruin everything! God, it's a family of idiots! I wish...I wish I was never born! ''[he sees Rupert wearing a fire helmet]'' Not tonight, Rupert. I'm much too upset. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter is shown using all the outlets for toasters]'' :'''Peter''': Toast house! <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Oh my god, Peter. What happened to your hair? :'''Peter''': I don't know. I'm bald! You did this! What the hell is the matter with you?! :'''Lois''': I didn't do it, but you look cool. :'''Peter''': I do? :'''Lois''': Yeah, you look like you could be a celebrity. <hr width=50%> :''[Stewie is on the stairs watching Peter and Lois arguing downstairs]'' :'''Peter''': Lois, what the hell did you do?! I just got a note from Goodwill thanking me for donating all my porn. :'''Lois''': WHAT?! I'm sick and tired of you blaming me for things I didn't do! And I've got a bone to pick with you! I don't appreciate how you spray-painted "vile woman" on the bedroom wall. :'''Peter''': That wasn't me! It must've been one of the kids! :'''Lois''': That's ridiculous, Peter! Chris can't write, and we don't allow Meg upstairs! :''[In a cutaway, Meg is stuck in the basement, and she scratches the door]'' :'''Peter''': Well, you know what? I'm starting to think whoever wrote that is right! :'''Lois''': Well, maybe I don't want to live with someone who doesn't respect me! :'''Peter''': Well then, maybe I should just leave! :'''Lois''': And where are you gonna go?! You got nothing else and nobody else! :'''Stewie''': And now for the closer. ==External links== {{wikipedia|Family Guy}} [[Category:Family Guy seasons]] mf0df0yx08ovj2y0gkfdeu0onsap4eq 3157912 3157911 2022-08-25T17:51:36Z Ijs89000 3124205 /* Boopa-dee Bappa-dee */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[Family Guy]]''''' is an animated television series created by [[Seth MacFarlane]] for [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|FOX]] in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]], production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005. :'' ''Family Guy'' and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the'' Wikimedia Foundation ''DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, ''The Wikimedia Foundation,'' have any affiliation with 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape or form.'' :''Please read [[Family Guy/Format]] for notes on how to use and edit this article.'' ===''[[w:Finders Keepers (Family Guy)|Finders Keepers]]''=== :'''Peter''': ''[to Lois]'' I want you on my team for everything... except for sports. <hr width=50%> :''[Stewie farts on Peter while he's sitting at the table reading a newspaper with an electric fan going. The fart travels back to Stewie]'' :'''Stewie''': Ah! Friendly fire! <hr width=50%> :''[a group stands graveside]'' :'''Quagmire''': We're supposed to dig this kid up. Any volunteers? :'''Herbert''': ''[in mining gear]'' I dig kids. <hr width=50%> :''[Chris jets skis to Block Island with Meg]'' :'''Chris''': Why are your nipples poking into me?! :'''Meg''': Sorry! That happens when I'm cold. :'''Chris''': But why are there 3 of them?! :'''Meg''': There aren't! Two of them are moles. :'''Chris''': Those numbers still don't add up! <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Oh, look who's back; the grave robber. :'''Peter''': Hey, Lois. :'''Lois''': So, what happened? You find your treasure? :'''Peter''': No, I realised something after you left; It's not the treasure that matters. All that really matters is the money you get in exchange for the treasure. I guess I had to learn that the hard way. ===''[[w:Vestigial Peter|Vestigial Peter]]''=== :'''Chip''': Her voice! It's like God sneezing! <hr width=50%> :''[after Chip has sex with Angela]'' :'''Peter''': ''[glumly]'' Welp, now we know. I can taste what he eats. <hr width=50%> :'''Teacher at a PTA meeting''': So, in short; your kids are all doing great. Keep reading to them every night and I think we're going to have a great year. So, unless there's any questions, thank you all for coming. :'''Cheetah''': Eh, yeah... I noticed the hot lunch menu doesn't feature any gazelle. :''[all the parents sigh]'' :'''Teacher''': I'll bring that up to the board. :'''Cheetah''': Yeah, see... I-I heard that last year and ''[laughing]'' he-h-here we are again. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter is at the bar talking to his friends about Chip]'' :'''Quagmire''': Remind me again. Chip is that [[African]] kid you adopted? :'''Peter''': No that's ''Chocolate'' Chip. We gave him back to [[Kenya]]. ===''[[w:Quagmire's Quagmire|Quagmire's Quagmire]]''=== :''[Sonja smiles darkly as she locks a battered Quagmire in the trunk of his car]'' :'''Sonja''': Giggity. :'''Quagmire''': That's my line. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter and Joe pound on the door of a storage unit while searching for Quagmire]'' :'''Joe''': Quagmire, you in there?! :''[muffled sounds from Quagmire are heard]'' :'''Peter''': Oh, he's eating. ''[shouts at the door]'' We'll come back when you're done eating! <hr width=50%> :'''Ida''': Okay, you guys. Where should we start looking for Glen? :'''Peter''': Well, sometimes Quagmire likes to hang out under all the clutter in my garage, so why don't we just start sorting stuff and throwing stuff away, but obviously checking with me first before you throw stuff away. ===''[[w:A Fistful of Meg|A Fistful of Meg]]''=== :'''Meg''': He's going to kill me! I can already picture my funeral! :''[cutaway to a graveside service, where Peter runs in and throws Meg's corpse under another casket]'' :'''Peter''': Thanks, didn't want to pay for the hole. <hr width=50%> :''[Meg looks to Chris for support against Michael Pulaski]'' :'''Meg''': Chris, you have my back, right? :'''Chris''': I don't know. ''[lifts his shirt and sees his back covered with bacne]'' Yeah. <hr width=50%> :'''Mailman''': ''[after Brian opens the door]'' Brian Griffin? :'''Brian''': Uh, yeah, that's me. :'''Mailman''': ''[gives the package to Brian]'' Here you go. :''[Brian takes off the tape and opens the package]'' :'''Brian''': ''[sees something terrible in the package, it's revealed to be Peter's penis he cut off]'' Aah! Oh, God! :'''Peter''': ''[laughs]'' What's in the box, Brian? I got you good! ''[Blood is coming out and comes to Peter's pants]'' I don't feel right. I want it back. ''[Collapses]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Brian''': You gonna put your clothes on? :'''Peter''': Yes, yes, I swear. :'''Brian''': You gonna keep 'em on? :'''Peter''': Yes, I promise. I'll never bother you again with my body. Please, just make this stop! :'''Brian''': Good. :'''Chris''': Dad, can you give me a ride to the-- ''[screams]'' What is that thing?! Make it go away! ''[claws his eyes out]'' :'''Lois''': What's going on in here? ''[seeing that Brian has shaved off all his fur]'' Oh my god, is that a rat?! Peter, hold it down, I'm getting the gun! ===''[[w:Boopa-dee Bappa-dee|Boopa-dee Bappa-dee]]''=== :'''Man''': You renounced your citizenship? :'''Peter''': Oh, I did that on the Italian "Shut-up-a-You-Facebook." <hr width=50%> :''[the morning after sex in Italy]'' :'''Lois''': Last night was the best sex I ever had. :'''Peter''': Me too. We haven't done it like that since we were engaged, but allowed to sleep with other people. :'''Lois''': What are you talking about? <hr width=50%> :''[Peter barges it to tell the kids about staying in Italy]'' :'''Peter''': Kids, I've got an announcement... :'''Stewie''': ''[sitting near the hem of Peter's robe on the floor]'' He's wearing a rubber. :'''Peter''': We're staying in Italy. We're Italian now. :'''Brian''': What?! :'''Meg''': Are you kidding? :'''Stewie''': Well, if we're going to be Italian, I guess we should start murdering our brothers. :''[slips behind Chris with a garrote and proceeds to strangle him]'' :'''Chris''': What are you... ''[starts to choke and struggle]'' :'''Stewie''': ''[in an Italian-accented whisper]'' You break-a my heart, Chris. You break-a my heart. <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': There. Now I said it. So shut your mouth. ===''[[w:Life of Brian (Family Guy)|Life of Brian]]''=== :'''Stewie''': ''[sees a car heading towards Brian]'' Brian, look out! '[the car runs over Brian, breaking the hockey stick, and the toy net]'' Aah, Brian! ''[runs to him]'' :'''Lois''': ''[runs out of the house with Peter, Chris, and Meg and saw Brian hurt]'' Oh, my God! ''[runs to him]'' Brian! Brian, can you hear me?! :'''Peter''': Holy crap, what the hell happened?! :'''Squirrel''': ''[runs to Brian, kicks his head, and spits]'' That guy sucked! ''[runs away]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Peter is sitting next to a beheaded chicken carrying his head]'' :'''Peter''': Aren't you supposed to be running around? :'''Chicken''': Don't talk to me. You have a bad reputation in the chicken community. <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': Damn it, Brian, you can't die! We were gonna do so many things together! We were gonna become windsurfers! I was gonna be a little better than you, but we were both gonna be good! :''[Brian groans]'' :'''Lois''': You guys, I think- I think Brian's trying to say something. :'''Brian''': ''[last words]'' You... You've given me a wonderful life... I love you all. ''[smiles gently before quietly passing away]'' :'''Doctor''': ''[checks his heartbeat, but no response]'' I'm sorry, he's gone. :'''Chris''': ''[voice breaking]'' Oh, my God, he's... :'''Lois''': ''[voice breaking]'' Yes, Chris... I'm afraid... I'm afraid that Brian is dead! ''[sobs]'' ===''[[w:Into Harmony's Way|Into Harmony's Way]]''=== :'''Quagmire''': ''[meditating]'' I can be Giggity. I can be Goo. <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': Meg, could you zip up your fly? That's kind of wafting over here. <hr width=50%> :'''Chris''': So did you get a lot of trim on the road? :'''Peter''': ''[nodding]'' Chris, that's wildly inappropriate. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Quagmire? I thought you were still out on the road! :'''Quagmire''': I was, but what was Simon without Garfunkel? :'''Peter''': Wildly successful? <hr width=50%> :'''Kermit''': Piggy, I don't think Kermie Jr. isn't feeling well. :'''Kermie Jr.''': <big>'''KILL ME I'M IN CONSTANT PAIN!!!!'''</big> ===''[[w:Christmas Guy|Christmas Guy]]''=== :'''Lois''': It's Stewie's first Christmas! :'''Stewie''': Again? <hr width=50%> :'''Vinny''': Whose leg do you gotta gagoosh to get an Amaretto around here? <hr width=50%> :'''Vinny''': Georgette, I'm coming home. :'''Stewie''': Who the hell is Georgette? <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': ''[comes from the future and sees Brian on the street. He sees the car heading right for him and runs to him]'' Brian, look out! ''[pushes him out of the way, letting the hockey stick and toy net to get broken by the car]'' :'''Brian''': What the hell?! :'''Stewie''': You're alive, my friend! ''[hugs him]'' :'''Brian''': What? Of course, I'm alive. What the hell's going on here? :'''Stewie''': Brian, ''[points at the car]'' that car killed you, and when it did, a little part of me died as well. I couldn't live without you, so I came back from the future to save your life. :'''Brian''': Wait a minute. What are you talking about? I saw you destroy your time machine. :'''Stewie''': Yes, but luckily, I ran into another me from the past, so I stole his return pad and came back here. Oh, that reminds me. I better send this back to where it came from. <hr width=50%> :'''Brian''': Wow, Stewie, thank you for saving my life! Y'know, a whole lot of other families would've just gotten another dog and moved on. :'''Stewie''': Oh, oh, w...we could, we could never do something like that, Brian! ''[starts to fade away]'' :'''Brian''': Stewie, wh-what's happening to you? :'''Stewie''': ''[looks at himself]'' I think...my timeline has been erased! The timeline where you died no longer exists! Merry Christmas, Brian. ''[finally fades away]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': Hey, who are you talking to out here? :'''Brian''': A pretty awesome guy. <hr width=50%> :'''Brian''': Thanks for everything, Stewie. You're my best friend, and I love you. :'''Stewie''': All I can say, Brian, is you've been making really creepy eye contact with me all morning, and I want it to stop right now. ===''[[w:Peter Problems|Peter Problems]]''=== :''[on Lois being hired at the grocery store]'' :'''Stewie''': You know you've made it when you've got a teenage boss. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': My hog cannot partake in the slop this evening. <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Oh, Peter, you're up. :'''Stewie''': That's not what I heard. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter is reluctant to see Dr. Hartman about his impotency, stating he is embarrassed]'' :'''Lois''': This shouldn't embarrass you, the size should embarrass you. ===''[[w:Grimm Job|Grimm Job]]''=== :'''Peter''': ''Jack and the Beanstalk''. And that title could be a fairy tale or porn. Let's find out. <hr width=50%> :'''Rumpleforeskin/Quagmire''': Where'd that thing come from? It's blocking my view of Little Miss Muffet's tuffet. <hr width=50%> :''[after the woodsman kills the wolf with a chainsaw]'' :'''Little Red Riding Hood/Stewie''': You know, I'm not sure if that's our hero, or just a lunatic going house-to-house murdering people. ===''[[w:Brian's a Bad Father|Brian's a Bad Father]]''=== :'''Quagmire''': ''[to Peter]'' You can't even walk and chew gum at the same time! :''[cutaway to Lois walking on the sidewalk]'' :'''Lois''': Come on! :''[pull out to reveal Peter chewing gum while lying down on his face]'' :'''Peter''': I'm doin' somethin'. ''[chews]'' One thing at a time! :''[cutaway back to bar]'' :'''Quagmire''': DAMN IT, PETER, THAT'S IT! I AM DONE! I'M DONE WITH YOU! I'M DONE WITH ALL YOUR CRAP, I NEVER WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN! THIS FRIENDSHIP IS OVER! ''[leaves]'' :'''Peter''': Well fine! I don't need your friendship anyway. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Now this is a gun without a safety. :''[Peter's gun shots Quagmire, who screams in pain]'' :'''Peter''': Quite the difference, huh? :'''Quagmire''': DAMN IT, PETER, YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU SHOT ME! :'''Joe''': Oh my god, Peter, that must be the dumbest thing you're ever done. :'''Peter''' No. The dumbest I ever did was open that can of Whupass <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': All right, Quagmire, I have given this a lot of thought. I need you to shoot me in the arm and we can be friends again. :'''Quagmire''': Okay. :'''Peter''': ''[after realizing what he just told Quagmire]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, I was supposed to offer, and then you were supposed to say, "No, Peter, I'm not gonna shoot you, although I do appreciate the gesture." :'''Quagmire''': Hand me the gun, Peter. :'''Peter''': I, uh, pass the test? :'''Quagmire''': No, Peter. I'm gonna shoot you like a dirty animal. ===''[[w:Mom's the Word|Mom's the Word]]''=== :''[during a meeting at the Pawtucket Brewery]'' :'''Angela''': So as you can see, our output is up 1 1/2%. That's not net, I'm talking gross. :'''Peter''': ''[under his breath]'' You do everything gross. ===''[[w:3 Acts of God|3 Acts of God]]''=== :'''Quagmire''': C'mon, guys! It's game time! :'''Peter''': Alright! This is the greatest Sunday tradition ever...except for getting all my cutaway gags ready for the week. ''[cutaway]'' Okay, my great uncle wears a ski hat all the time Griffin will be followed by [[w:Nick Nolte|Nick Nolte]]'s handkerchief, followed by [[Japanese]] [[Abe Lincoln]], and then Monkey Rabbi. Hey, where's the Monkey Rabbi? Here's your torah, you'll be here on Tuesday at 9:00. Check in with Shirley. :'''Darth Vader''': You gonna need me this week? :'''Peter''': Uh, maybe. Maybe Friday. Uh, now where are the gays? :'''Gay Man''': Over here. :'''Peter''': No, no, no. The really cartoony gays. :'''Cartoony Gay Guy''': ''Yoooo-hoooooo!!!'' :'''Peter''': There you are, we're gonna need you guys all week. <hr width=50%> :'''Cleveland''': Hey, Death. What are you doing here? :'''Death''': Actually, I'm...here for your show. :'''Cleveland''': Ah, come on, man. I'm on vacation. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': And you still won't give us an Emmy?! Come on!! If ''[[Modern Family]]'' did that joke, you'd be carryin' 'em around on your shoulders!! ===''[[w:Fresh Heir|Fresh Heir]]''=== :'''Chris''': Hey, Dad, are you busy? I was thinking we could spend some time together. :'''Peter''': Okay, are you a television set of the Internet? :'''Chris''': No. :'''Peter''': Oh, then no. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter checks up on his hairless twin brother]'' :'''Peter's Twin''': Close the door! The moonlight burns! :'''Peter''': It's almost Christmas. It's almost Christmas. :'''Peter's Twin''': Christmas? :'''Peter''': Yes. Keep being good, and all the eggshells and coffee grounds will be yours. :'''Peter's Twin''': Can I meet the family? :'''Peter''': You've overstepped! No Christmas! <hr width=50%> :'''Carter''': ''[about his broken leg]'' The worst part about it is I can't have sex! God, I wish there was a way I could just do it myself, y'know, just to be done and napping within four minutes. :'''Chris''': Let me show you something... :''[time lapse. Carter looks relaxed]'' :'''Carter''': That... was... amazing! And Lynda Carter wasn't actually here? :'''Chris''': No, that was just in your mind! :'''Carter''': Incredible! So you can do that, like what, once a year or something? :'''Chris''': No, you can do it basically whenever you're not doing something else. :'''Carter''': Cool! Hey, next time I wanna try it with my hand. ===''[[w:Secondhand Spoke|Secondhand Spoke]]''=== :''[Stewie criticizes Brian's texting and driving]'' :'''Stewie''': That was a stroller, not a speedbump. <hr width=50%> :'''Chris''': What if I said "Hey there, shorty!"? :'''Stewie''': I'd say "Have another donut, you albino gorilla." ===''[[w:Herpe the Love Sore|Herpe the Love Sore]]''=== :'''Tough guy''': Smells like this guy's already wet himself. :'''Peter''': Don't flatter yourself, that was from this morning. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter receives a package that is actually addressed to Quagmire]'' :'''Peter''': Huh, it says "Glenn Quagmire". But if you squint and imagine it says "Peter Griffin", it says "Peter Griffin". :'''Lois''': Peter, it's Quagmire's. Take it next door. :'''Peter''': Now, now, hold on, Lois. Now, this poses a very difficult ethical dilemma. Do I deliver the package to its rightful owner? Or do I open it up and see if it contains He-Mans? :'''Lois''': Do not open that box! <hr width=50%> :''[in a cutaway, Dorothy, the Scarecrow, and the Tin Man are walking along the yellow brick road, but stop when they see the Cowardly Lion standing in front of them]'' :'''Cowardly Lion''': Hey. I'm the Rational Lion. ''(as he's flipping them off)'' So fuck you guys. <hr width=50%> :''[in a cutaway, Peter is doing a game called "God With Ants"]'' :'''Peter''': You shall battle to the death, or the winner will be given his freedom! Why are you looking at me like that? :'''Lois''': Peter, would you like a glass of-- ''[sees a decapitated Peter with a bloodied neck]'' <big>'''OH MY GOD! I TOLD YOU NOT TO PLAY GOD WITH THOSE ANTS!'''</big> ===''[[w:The Most Interesting Man in the World (Family Guy)|The Most Interesting Man in the World]]''=== :''[Bonnie obliterates a target of a figure in a wheelchair at the shooting range]'' :'''Joe''': I think next time you should bring someone else. <hr width=50%> :''[Stewie arrives just after Peter takes the wrong kid at the park]'' :'''Stewie''': Hey, what happened to my new friend...that kid who sort of looks like me from behind? <hr width=50%> :''[the family greets Peter after he has refined himself]'' :'''Chris''': How were all your business trips? :'''Peter''': Oh, exemplary, Chris. :'''Chris''': I don't understand what either of those words mean. :'''Stewie''': One of them was "Chris." <hr width=60%> :'''Peter''': Shall we away for "relations"? :'''Lois''': I'm not sure what you're saying, but let's hump! <hr width=60%> :'''Lois''': What's wrong with you, Peter?! :'''Peter''': Lois, I'm sorry. :'''Lois''': How the hell can you possibly mistake another baby for Stewie?! :'''Peter''': Now, calm down, Lois. You're gonna say something you don't mean. :'''Lois''': ''[Angry]'' Oh, no, I'm not! ''You're an idiot!'' :'''Peter''': ''[Hurt]'' You don't mean that. :'''Stewie''': ''[Stewie looks Facebook on the phone]'' I already got a Facebook friend request from the dad. Is that weird? :'''Lois''': Peter, I have put up with your nonsense for 20 years, but today you crossed the line! You left a helpless baby in the public park and that's something only an ''idiot'' would do! :''[Lois storms off with Stewie leaving Peter upset]'' :'''Peter''': I'm not an idiot! :''[There's a knock on the door and Peter opens it to find a man with one eye]'' :'''One-eyed man''': Hey, I think there was a mix-up at the park. ''[he gives Peter his eye back]'' ===''[[w:Baby Got Black|Baby Got Black]]''=== :'''Peter''': Awesome! <hr width=50%> :''[Chris receives a steamy goodbye kiss from Pam at a restaurant in front of the lobster tank]'' :'''Lobster''': Hey, Chris...these ''[clacks its claws]'' on her nipples. Ha, ha, ha. :'''Chris''': ''[to a passing waiter]'' Kill that one. ===''[[w:Meg Stinks!|Meg Stinks!]]''=== :'''Skunk''': ''[to Brian]'' Oh, you don't like smell, huh? Well, sniff on this! <hr width=50%> :'''Retep''': My name is Retep and I am evil! <hr width=50%> :'''Brian''': Holy crap! I'm so much faster on all fours! ''[trips over a rock and groans]'' What's that big rock doing there? :'''Retep''': (cackles maniacally) <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Huh. Look down there. That guy looks like me with a green shirt. He's murdering a lady! <hr width=50%> :''[after Stewie has been jailed for showing his penis at Mardi Gras]'' :'''Stewie''': The rules of this city are very unclear. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter reveals he would have rather have been a podiatrist but gave it up to become a family man]'' :'''Meg''': You never got to pursue your dream. No wonder you hate me. :'''Peter''': I don't hate ya, Meg. You're my kid. <hr width=50%> :'''Meg''': Dad I'm sorry to tell you this but I can't go with you. :'''Peter''': Are you sure? :'''Meg''': I just got off the phone with Green Mountain College and they said they'll let me reschedule my interview so I'm going to drive back up there it's time for me to get serious about my life and start taking some responsibility. ===''[[w:He's Bla-ack!|He's Bla-ack!]]''=== :'''Cleveland''': Wassup?! ''[''[[The Cleveland Show]]'' theme music plays as Cleveland approaches the guys]'' :'''Peter''': ''[normally]'' Oh, hey, Cleveland! :'''Joe''': Hi! :'''Quagmire''': Wait, don't you have a show to do...''[chuckles]'' Oh wait, that's right! :'''Cleveland''': Alright, I knew this was comin', everybody gimme your best shot. :'''Quagmire''': Oh, my G... Where do I even begin? Y'know, it's not a good sign that this is the first time a lot of people are realizing you had a show! :'''Joe''': Your logo was stupid. Looked like a big purple penis and your ratings blew. :'''Cleveland''': We did about the same as ''[[Bob's Burgers]]''. :'''Quagmire''': That's your bar?! Oh, shame on you! :'''Cleveland''': This is good. This is constructive. :'''Quagmire''': The talking bear was so bad, [[Seth MacFarlane]] quit voicing him after [[The Cleveland Show/Season 2|Season 2]]. :'''Cleveland''': It's hard to make a talkin' bear funny. :'''Quagmire''': ''[laughs]'' It worked out okay in movie form. :'''Joe''': What was supposed to be the show's audience? Who did you make it for? Like, some black guy who never met another black guy? :'''Cleveland''': Anything else? :'''Peter''': Yeah, here's four seasons worth of DVDs of what we've been up to. Y'know, just so you're back up to speed. And I'll warn ya ahead of time, these have jokes in 'em. :'''Cleveland''': I...I don't have a DVD player. <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': Hey, Lois, look, I'm smoking! You can't control dick! I'm a roof baby now! ===''[[w:Chap Stewie|Chap Stewie]]''=== :''[Stewie sees an alternate view of the theme song from before he was born and comments on Lois]'' :'''Stewie''': She is camel-toeing the hell out of that leotard. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter and Chris''': Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! :'''Stewie''': What is that? What's happening? :'''Peter and Chris''': ''[carrying mattresses]'' Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! :'''Brian''': Peter, what are you doing? :'''Peter''': Playing "Unga-Bunga". It's the championship. :'''Stewie''': Go away! This is why Zillow estimates our house at $4.00. :'''Brian''': What the hell is "Unga-Bunga"? :'''Peter''': It's a game where two guys run into each other with mattresses and, um, that's kinda it. :'''Chris''': Stop explaining the rules to the dog! Let's do this! :''[Chris and Peter run into each other with mattresses]'' :'''Stewie''': Stop it! I'm trying to watch my program! :'''Peter''': Whoa, Chris, look! Mom's naked! :'''Chris''': Where? :'''Peter''': ''[whacks Chris with his mattress]'' You creep. ''[Chris crashes into the TV and breaks it]'' :'''Stewie''': ''(gasps)'' No! :'''Lois''': Peter, what's going on in... :'''Peter''': ''[whacks Lois with his mattress]'' Unga-Bunga! :'''Stewie''': You imbeciles! You've ruined my night! I asked for one thing in this house! :'''Brian''': Stewie, just watch your show upstairs. :'''Stewie''': I don't want to watch it upstairs on the small TV, I want to watch it downstairs on the big TV! [his face turns red as he starts crying] I WANNA WATCH MY SHOW! (crying) :'''Lois''': Oh no, Stewie's havin' a tantrum. Come here, sweetie. :''[Stewie bites Lois' thumb]'' :'''Lois''': '''OW!''' Screw you, ya little turd! :''[Stewie throws a photo right at the door and it crashes]'' :'''Meg''': ''[enters the living room]'' What's all that noise? [sees Stewie upset]'' Aw, do you want a hug from your big sister? ''[picks Stewie up and is headbutted]'' '''OW!''' <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': You just earned yourself a time-out, young man. Now, you stay here until you can behave. ''[she closes the door]'' :'''Stewie''': I HATE YOU! You always ruin everything! God, it's a family of idiots! I wish...I wish I was never born! ''[he sees Rupert wearing a fire helmet]'' Not tonight, Rupert. I'm much too upset. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter is shown using all the outlets for toasters]'' :'''Peter''': Toast house! <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Oh my god, Peter. What happened to your hair? :'''Peter''': I don't know. I'm bald! You did this! What the hell is the matter with you?! :'''Lois''': I didn't do it, but you look cool. :'''Peter''': I do? :'''Lois''': Yeah, you look like you could be a celebrity. <hr width=50%> :''[Stewie is on the stairs watching Peter and Lois arguing downstairs]'' :'''Peter''': Lois, what the hell did you do?! I just got a note from Goodwill thanking me for donating all my porn. :'''Lois''': WHAT?! I'm sick and tired of you blaming me for things I didn't do! And I've got a bone to pick with you! I don't appreciate how you spray-painted "vile woman" on the bedroom wall. :'''Peter''': That wasn't me! It must've been one of the kids! :'''Lois''': That's ridiculous, Peter! Chris can't write, and we don't allow Meg upstairs! :''[In a cutaway, Meg is stuck in the basement, and she scratches the door]'' :'''Peter''': Well, you know what? I'm starting to think whoever wrote that is right! :'''Lois''': Well, maybe I don't want to live with someone who doesn't respect me! :'''Peter''': Well then, maybe I should just leave! :'''Lois''': And where are you gonna go?! You got nothing else and nobody else! :'''Stewie''': And now for the closer. ==External links== {{wikipedia|Family Guy}} [[Category:Family Guy seasons]] cmmenyqka6lb8ov2244izrgespryyul 0 152553 3158051 3157531 2022-08-26T02:33:49Z 2600:1007:B02D:1DBA:21A1:6202:94CA:868B wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Lego Movie|The Lego Movie]]''''' is a [[w:2014 in film|2014]] [[w:computer animation|computer animated]] [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] about an ordinary LEGO construction worker, thought to be the prophesied "special", who is recruited to join a quest to stop an evil diabolical tyrant from gluing the LEGO universe into his own selfish vision of perfection. :''Directed and written by [[w:Phil Lord|Phil Lord]] and [[David Soren]] & Bob Anderson.'' Story by Dan Lin And Kathleen Fleming, Phil Lord and Christopher Miller.'' ==Vitruvius== *''[a red laser is shoots at the Vitruvius eyes to blind and grunts]'' Unh! My eyes! Ow! == Dialogue == :'''Lord Business''': ''[after knocking down Vitruvius Lord Business goes over to the Kragle]'' The Kragle, the most powerful super weapon is mine: ''[he opens the Kragle]'' ''[He opens the case. We see something glowing]'' Oh, the Kragle! ''[laughs evilly as his horns shoot fire]'' Now my evil power will be unlimited! Can you feel me?! :'''[[w:Robot|Robot]]''': ''[monotone]'' I can feel you. ''[his robots start carrying the Kragle away]'' :'''Lord Business''': WHOO! Nothing's gonna stop me now! :'''Vitruvius''': ''[weakly to down]'' Wait, there's a prophecy. :'''Lord Business''': ''[grumbling]'' Oh, ''now'' there's a prophecy. :'''Vitruvius''': About the Piece of Resistance. :'''Lord Business''': ''[he turns to Vitruvius]'' Oh, yes, the supposed missing Piece of Resistance that can somehow magically disarm the Kragle, gimme a break! ''[to Lord Business] [Vitruvius rises and turns to face Lord Business, suddenly his eyes shine brightly]'' ''[Gasping]'' :'''Vitruvius''': ''One day a talented lass or fellow, a Special one with face of yellow, will make the Piece of Resistance found from its hiding refuge underground, and with a noble army at the helm, this Master Builder will thwart the Kragle and save the realm, and be the greatest, most interesting, most important person of all times, all this is true, because it rhymes.'' :'''Lord Business''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, wow, that was a great, inspiring legend... that ''you made up.'' :''[Business kicks Vitruvius screaming off the ledge with his giant robot leg]'' :'''Lord Business''': A special one? What a bunch of hippy dippy baloney. <hr width=50%> :'''Radio DJ''': ''[he turns on the radio]'' ''Top of the charts again, it's ''everything is awesome''.'' :'''Emmet''': Oh, my gosh! I love this ''Song''! ''[Everything Is Awesome turns on, the music starts playing]'' Always use the turn signal, park between the lines. ''[Emmet and everyone else parks in exactly the same way]'' Yes! Drop off dry cleaning before noon, read the headlines, don't forget to smile. ''[waves and smiles to everyone as he walks down the street]'' :'''Paper Boy''': Paper! :'''Emmet''': Always root for the local sports team. ''[a train full of passengers appear]'' :'''LEGO® Citizens''': Gooooooooo, '''SPORTS TEAM!!''' :'''Emmet''': Always return a compliment. ''[to the male Lego citizen stepping out of the coffee shop]'' Hey, you look nice! ''[everyone turns to Emmet]'' :'''LEGO® Citizens''': So, do you! :'''Emmet''': Drink Overpriced Coffee! ''[inside the coffee shop he buys a coffee]'' :'''Larry The Barista''': Here you go, that's $37. ''[Emmet looks at him for a moment before replying with excitement]'' :'''Emmet''': ''[Laughing]'' Awesome! ''[Emmet walks to work with his overpriced coffee following the line of all the other construction workers doing exactly the same]'' :'''Construction Worker''': Did you see ''Where are my Pants?'' last night? ''[everyone laughs and replies at the same time]'' :'''Emmet''': ''[chuckles]'' ''Classic episode!'' :'''Foreman''': ''[Everything is Awesome" continues to play in the background as the Lego construction workers get into position]'' Instructions coming in from central. Okay, it says here that anything that's weird then blow it up! ''[the workers start blowing up the buildings]'' ''['''''BOOM!!!!''''']'' All right, Cylinder-Heads, let's make it look exactly like it does in the Instructions! :'''Construction Worker #1''': Hey, buddy! I need 1x2 keyhole! :'''Emmet''': No problem, Michael. :'''Construction Worker #2''': 2x2 macaroni over here. :'''Emmet''': 2x2 macaroni flying in! Here's 1, Mel. :'''Construction Worker #3''': Guys, got a 1x1 with an indented stud on 1 side! :'''Foreman''': Cheese, look, cheese slopes, come on, everybody! :'''Emmet''': Roger that, Roger. :'''Construction Worker #4''': Look alive, coming at you. :'''Construction Worker #5''': Can I get a couple LURPs over here? :'''Emmet''': Thanks, Gail. :'''Construction Worker #6''': Guys, watch me drill this down. :''[everyone cheers]'' :'''Construction Workers''': ''[they all start singing along to "Everything is Awesome"]'' :'''Emmet''': Man, I feel so good right now! '''I CAN SING THIS SONG FOR HOURS!''' ''[5 hours later]'' ''[everyone at the construction site is still singing "Everything is Awesome" and it's finally coming to the end of the day]'' :'''Barry''': When you're part of a '''''TEAM!''' ['''BOOM!''' everyone cheering]'' Yeah, I'm gonna the sports bar after work tonight, who wants to eat some delicious chicken wings and get ''[Gail laughs] '''CRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZYYYYY?!''' [as the other constructions workers start to leave together, Emmet is left behind and tries to get their attention]'' :'''Emmet''': Chicken wings? I love chicken wings! :'''Construction Worker #6''': Yeah, who wants to share a croissant with this guy? :'''Emmet''': Croissants? I love croissants! :'''Construction Worker #7''': Oh, yeah! I sure do love giant sausages! :'''Emmet''': Giant sausages, no way! ''[nobody pays Emmet any attention as he tries to join them]'' You know what I love to do? Is share a meal with the special people in my life, Fred, Barry, Gail, me and y...? [Emmet runs into a construction post and falls. A gust of wind blows his instructions away]'' Ah, no guys, wait up! Okay, I'll meet you there! ''[Emmet chases after his instruction manual as the wind continues to carry it off]'' Oh, where did it go? ''[he finds the manual lying on some Lego rubble]'' Oh, there you are. ''[Emmet laughs, relieved, as he retrieves the manual and turns to leave but stops when he hears a whoosh]'' I think I heard a whoosh. <hr width=50%> :'''Emmet''': I feel like maybe I should touch that. :'''Voice''': ''It's so interesting... Touch the Piece... Touch the Piece... It's so interesting... Touch the Piece...'' ''[Emmet gets up and starts walking over to the giant block]'' :'''Emmet''': Uh... ''[he becomes completely transfixed and steps over his instruction manual]'' :'''Voice''': ''Touch the--'' :''[he slowly extends his hand and touches the block and gets a vision which includes Vitruvius reciting the Piece of Resistance prophecy]'' :'''Vitruvius''': ''A Special one with face of yellow...'' ''[Emmet falls, screaming]'' ''...will make the Piece of Resistance found from its hiding refuge underground...'' ''[Emmet is still falling]'' ''...this Master Builder...'' ''[girl screams]'' ''...will thwart the Kragle and save the realm...'' :'''Wyldstyle''': '''''Come on, Everyone, protect the Special!''''' :'''Vitruvius''': ''[Emmet then passes out]'' ''...the Special has arisen.'' :'''Boy''': ''It's your turn to be the hero.'' :'''Bad Cop''': ''[as Emmet slowly wakes he hears someone's voice]'' ''[Bad Cop echoes in distorted voice]'' ''Wake up.'' :'''Emmet''': ''[waking up]'' ''[echoes in distorted voice]'' ''Ugh.'' :'''Bad Cop''': ''Come on, wake up! Where are the Master Builders?! How did you find the Piece of Resistance?! Hey?! Where is it?!'' :'''Emmet''': ''[Emmet's wake up out voice interrogating hears as starts to open his eyes]'' ''[in normal voice]'' Good morning, apartment...? :'''Bad Cop''': ''[in normal voice]'' '''''WAKE UP!''''' ''[an angry looking cop shines a light onto Emmet making him immediately awake]'' :'''Emmet''': ''[screams]'' :'''Bad Cop''': How did you find the Piece of Resistance?! :'''Emmet''': The Piece of what? :'''Bad Cop''': The Piece of Resistance. ''[Bad Cop grunts, and screams as he falls and finally lands onto the ground, suddenly he knocks a chair aside in anger scaring Emmet, we see Emmet is being held in an interrogation room with his hands shackled to chair]'' :'''Emmet''': ''I- I- I don't, where am I? what's happening?'' :'''Bad Cop''': ''What's happening?'' Playing dumb, Master Builder. :'''Emmet''': No, I... ''master builder?'' :'''Bad Cop''': Oh, so you've never heard of the prophecy? :'''Emmet''': No, I... :'''Bad Cop''': Or the Special? :'''Emmet''': ''No! No, I...'' :'''Bad Cop''': You're a *liar!* We'll ''kill'' ya. ''[Bad Cop backflips and starts to kick and wrestle a chair]'' :'''Emmet''': Look, um... ''[Bad Cop chuckles]'' I watch a lot of cop shows on TV... ''[Emmet gasps]'' Isn't there supposed to also be a-? Isn't there supposed to be a ''Good Cop''?! ''[Emmet ducks as Bad Cop throws the chair to the wall]'' :'''Bad Cop''': Oh yes. But we're not done yet. ''[switches head]'' :'''[[w:Good Cop|Good Cop]]''': Hi, buddy! [[Spider-Man (2002 film)|I'm your friendly neighborhood police officer!]] Would you like a glass of water? :'''Emmet''': Yeah, actually that sounds- :'''Bad Cop''': ''[switches back to his face]'' '''TOO BAAAD!!!''' ''[smacks the glass away]'' ''Security cameras picked up this!'' ''[grunts]'' You were found at the construction site convulsing with a strange piece. :'''Emmet''': That's disgusting! :'''Bad Cop''': Then why is it permanently stuck to your back? :'''Emmet''': ''[peers back, sees that The Piece of Resistance is glued onto his back, and screams in alarm, and tries to get it off]'' Oh no! Aaaah! Ah! Ah! Get off me!! It won't come off, it's chasing me! Look, it's not my fault! I have no idea how this thing got on my back! ''[Bad Cop changes his face to Good Cop]'' :'''Good Cop''': Of course, buddy. I believe you! :'''Emmet''': Great! ''[suddenly Bad Cop appears beside Emmet]'' ''[Screams]'' Aaaahh!! :'''Bad Cop''': I "believe" you, too. You see the quotations I'm making with my claw hands? It means I ''don't'' believe you! Why else would you show up with that thing on your back just three days before President Business is going to use the Kragle to end the world? :'''Emmet''': President Business is gonna end the world? But he's such a good guy. And Octan, they make good stuff: ''[flashback books]'' ''Music, dairy products, coffee, TV shows, surveillance systems, all history books, voting machines...'' ''[flashback ends]'' ...Wait a minute. :'''Bad Cop''': Oh no, come on, you ''can't'' be this stupid. :'''Emmet''': Look, that is a misunderstanding, I'm just a regular, normal, ordinary guy, and I'm late to meet my best friends in the whole world, and they're probably missing me right now, they're probably out looking around! ''Hey, where's Emmet? Hey, where's my best friend Emmet?'' And you know what. Ask all my friends! '''''THEY'LL TELL YOU!!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Emmet''': ''[Emmet looks devastated; to Bad Cop]'' There you go, I told you I was a nobody. :'''Bad Cop''': ''[sighs]'' Oh. ''It's the perfect cover.'' :'''Emmet''': Cover? Cover for what?! ''[chuckles]'' Oops. ''[sneezes]'' :'''Bad Cop''': Why are you sneeze? :'''Emmet''': But I am... ''[sneezes]'' Wow! That is a very sneeze? :'''Good Cop''': Of course, Bad Cop. I'm not sure gonna be meltin' devices found and guilty too. :'''Emmet''': President Business I think Taco Tuesday universe will seems third grade perhaps so takes him to the meltin' chambers and then railroad train for wild west? :'''Good Cop''': Okay, uh...I will think should somewhere. :'''Bad Cop''': I can't break him. You're Mom and Dad lies. Perhaps should orders melts. [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987 TV series)|''Take him to the meltin' chambers and do nothing.'']] :'''Emmet''': What?! ''[into the meltin' chamber Emmet has been straps to the meltin' device with the Bad Cop's face off by Robber and leaves and Wyldstyle destroys robots]'' '''''NOOOOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOOO!!''''' ''[turns to the now faceless Bad Cop] [Robber: I say we KILL Bad cop now!]'' You're going to melt me?! What's wrong with me?! Am I gonna die?! Excuse me? You strapper me. :'''Good Cop''': You'll live! You'll be fine! ''[Bad Cop/Good Cop's phone rings and draws Bad Cop with marker answers it as he switches back to his face]'' :'''Lord Business''': ''[disembodied]'' '''''EVERYONE STOP MESSING WITH MY STUFF??''''' :'''Bad Cop''': President Business, I have him right here, sir. Yes and no, we've told him he'll live so he doesn't try to escaping, but uh, we're lying to kills him. ''[Bad Cop presses the button to activate the meltin' device and Robber enters the chamber]'' :'''Robber''' (Manny the Mauler): I'll never *tell you*, Bad Cop! ''Never!'' ''[Robber kicks Bad Cop]'' :'''Bad Cop''': Who's says "never"? You're not supposed to thief. ''[sobbing]'' Are you trying to kill me?! ''[leaves the rooms]'' :'''Emmet''': No wait! What did he just say?! :'''Robot''': Hold still! :'''Emmet''': No wait, there is obviously been a ''mix-up'' here!? You have got the wrong-- Uh-oh. ''[a blue laser is shoots at Emmet's back to removes the Piece of Resistance]'' OOOOOW!! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ah-ah-ah-eh-eh-eh-oh-oh-oh! ''[Robot: Oops! Sorry, Emmet?]'' This is gonna start hurting pretty soon! ''[as the Robot starts to increase the heat while grinning menacingly, the hooded woman that Emmet had noticed in the construction site earlier appears and attacks the robots, overpowering them all down and goes to Free Emmet]'' No, no, no, nonononono... ''[Emmet closes his eyes as the hooded figure chops his shackles off.]'' ''[gasps]'' Whoa! Who are you?! ''[The figure takes off her hood to reveal her face and Emmet is transfixed again]'' It's you? :'''[[w:Wyldstyle|Wyldstyle]]''': Come with me, if you wanna not die. ''[just as Emmet goes to grab her hand, Good Cop enters the chamber with a croissant]'' :'''Good Cop''': Hi, ''everybody!'' How's the ''melting'' goi--? ''[as he notices Emmet escaping with Wyldstyle Bad Cop appears]'' :'''Bad Cop''': Hey, hey, hey, heeeeeey!! ''[he starts shooting at Emmet and Wyldstyle, laser destroys melting device]'' :'''Robber''': ''[to Bad Cop]'' '''''DO YOU SEE THE CHAMBER! KILL THEM!''''' :'''Bad Cop''': [[Toy Story|''Red alert, red alert!'']] I need everyone, repeat, everyone, to go after the ''special!'' :'''Robber''': Bad Cop! I warned you! [[The Rescuers Down Under|''You're grounded melting device entire week'']]! You're FIRED! Give me the money! :'''Bad Cop''': ''[shocked]'' Who broke my melting device!? President Business, you broke my melting device! <hr width=50%> :'''Bad Cop''': [[The Fox and the Hound|There we are! Why are you ''gets on'' my train the piece of resistance]]. :'''Wyldstyle''': Oh, no! :'''Emmet''': Oops! :'''Vitruvius''': Holy smokes, you must Lord Business so spirit is ''no'' way out and you must--. :'''Bad Cop''': [[Air Force One (film)|''Get off'' my train]]. :'''Emmet''': ''No,'' you get off my train. :'''Bad Cop''': Huh?! Why you little the Piece of Resistance. :'''Vitruvius''': Hurry up! Go, Emmet! Build the ramp! :'''Bad Cop''': Nobody gets on my train the piece of resistance. <hr width=50%> :'''Wyldstyle''': What the heck?! :'''Bad Cop''': [[Batman Begins|Rest in pieces]]. <hr width=50%> :'''Emmet''': Hey, um... :'''Wyldstyle''': Hang on, sir! ''[As they pull away, Bad Cop turns to go after them]'' :'''Bad Cop''': All units, cut them off on Elm, now! ''[suddenly his face changes to Good Cop]'' :'''Good Cop''': ''[Good Cop spins in]'' ''[gasping and chuckling]'' Or, whenever you can? :'''Robot''': ''Ten-Four, Bad Cop.'' :'''Emmet''': ''[Many squad cars block the road, as they are being chased and shut at]'' Watch out! :'''Wyldstyle''': Hold on! ''[she jumps the bike bunny hopping over one squad car and going up onto the monorail platform and onto the track, and screaming. Wyldstyle manages to avoid hitting the police cars in front of them]'' We need to meet up with ''Vitruvius'' and tell him the Piece has been found. <hr width="50%"> :'''Emmet''': Huh? :'''Bad Cop''': They're up on the monorail. Release the Copper Choppers. ''[the helicopter above them drops down a motorcycle with two cops in it, a police helicopter flies in dropping a robot on a motorcycle, both Emmet and Wyldstyle gasp, which begins to drive towards Emmet and the girl, firing a green laser as he goes, Emmet shields himself from the fire but the girl, pulls out a multi barrelled laser and returns fire, just as they were about to crash, the figure veers off leaving the robots to crash head-on with a train]'' :'''Emmet''': Oh, no! ''[causing a massive explodes, and screaming. He they start shooting at Wyldstyle and Emmet but Wyldstyle shoots back and manages to get their motorcycle onto the street below, they land safely]'' Will you please tell me what's happening? :'''Wyldstyle''': I'm rescuing you, sir. You're the one that the prophecy spoke of. You're the Special. :'''Emmet''': ''[Whispers]'' Me? <hr width=50%> :'''Bad Cop''': Darn, darn, darn, darn, darn, darn, darn, ''darny-DARN!!!!!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Bad Cop''': Thank you, sir. :'''Robber''': ''Never!'' :'''Bad Cop''': You've gonna get us killed! :'''Lord Business''': Although, you did let the Piece of Resistance go. The one thing that can ruin my plans, the one thing that I asked you to take care of! ''[Lord Business chuckles and he comes over to Bad Cop and puts one arm around his shoulder]'' That's super frustrating, it makes me just wanna pick up whoever's standing closest to me and just: '''''THROW THEM THROUGH THIS WINDOW, AND OUT INTO THE INFINITE ABYSS OF NOTHINGNESS!!!!!!!''''' ''[Bad Cop: Ouch! What?!] [he picks up Bad Cop takes him to the large glass window and bangs his head against it]'' I wanna do it so bad! ''[chuckles and Bad Cop]'' :'''Bad Cop''': ''[chuckles]'' I know you do, sir! But, please! Please, don't! ''[he throws Bad Cop aside]'' :'''Lord Business''': And it's not just you, Bad Cop, that keeps messing up my plans. People everywhere are always messing with my stuff. ''[Bad Cop: Huh?]'' But I have a way to fix that. A way to keep things exactly the way they are supposed to be permanently. ''[he turns on his TV monitor which shows his robots carrying the box containing the Kragle]'' Behold the most powerful weapon of all the relics: ''[his robots open the box containing the Kragle and take it out]'' '''THE KRAGLE!!!''' ''[we see the Kragle is in fact an old tube of Krazy Glue, Bad Cop gasping and Lord Business]'' Well, as you can see they're loading the Kragle into a big machine upstairs. I call it: ''The "Tentacle Arm Kragle Outside Sprayer"'', or ''TAKOS''! The "S" is silent. So on Taco Tuesday it's going to spray the Kragle over everyone and everything with a bunch of super scary nozzles, like this one. ''[the tentacle reaches out and comes over to Bad Cop]'' I'll show you how it works. <hr width=50%> :'''Good Cop''': No, I don't want to! :'''Bad Cop''': You have ''to''. :'''Good Cop''': I don't want to! :'''Bad Cop''': Will please be quiet?! :'''Good Cop''': I can't! :'''Bad Cop''': You've must?! :'''Good Cop''': But they-- :'''Bad Cop''': ''Shut it''! :'''Good Cop''': It's not nice! :'''Bad Cop''': It's ''your job'' man!? :'''Good Cop''': It's my job! :'''Bad Cop''': Lord Business trying to talk? :'''Good Cop''': I can't do it, they innocent!? :'''Lord Business''': Just as I thought. You're Good Cop side's making you soft, Bad Cop. Robots, bring me the fleece crested scepter of Q-teep and ''Po-Leesh Remover of Nai-eel!'' ''[the robots bring him a big Q-tip and nail polish remover and Lord Business deeps one end into the polish before turning to Bad Cop]'' You've already let the ''special'' get away once. ''[two of the robots hold Bad Cop]'' :'''Bad Cop''': Sir, ''you're never get away of this.'' :'''Lord Business''': I'm just gonna make sure it doesn't happen again, ''[the robots switch Good Cop in, one of the robots turns Bad Cop's face to Good Cop]'' '''''NO MORE MR. NICE GUY!!!''''' ''[he brings the Q-Tip onto Good Cop's face, suddenly Lord Business uses the end of the Q-tip with nail polish remover to wipe Good Cop's face off, after two scrubs back and forth, there's nothing left]'' :'''Emmet''': ''[disembodied]'' No! :'''Ma Cop''': ''[starts to weep]'' Oh, son! :'''Pa Cop''': ''[shocked]'' Son, ''no!'' :'''Lord Business''': On Taco Tuesday, I'm going to kraglize the entire universe so that [[Monsters, Inc.|'''''EVERYONE WILL STOP MESSING WITH MY STUFF??''''']] ''[turns to he now faceless Good Cop]'' :'''Bad Cop''': ''[disembodied]'' What?! Sir, I... You're *liar*! We'll ''kill'' ya! :'''Lord Business''': Are you gonna be with me or are you '''''GONNA BE STUCK HAVIN’ A TEA PARTY WITH YOUR MOM AND DAD??''''' :'''Emmet''': ''[disembodied]'' Where am I? What's happening? :'''Good Cop''': ''[disembodied]'' Of course buddy. I believe you! :'''Pa Cop''': Son? :'''Bad Cop''': ''[The now faceless Good Cop stands back up, only to switch to Bad Cop]'' Sorry, Dad. [[Tomorrow Never Dies|I've a job to do]]. ''[he uses the TAKOS device to completely glue his parents, the nozzle powers up, he presses a button and the TAKOS fires completely freezing them solid]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Vitruvius''': Well, Junebug, I really prefer the word "experienced"! ''[Vitruvius attacks the robots, Master Builders cheers]'' Ha-ha! You see, Emmet, a corrupted spirit is ''no match'' for the purity of imaginat-- ''[suddenly Lord Business hits Vitruvius with a three nickels, then Batman, Wyldstyle & Emmet gasps]'' :'''Emmet''': Vitruvius! NO!! <hr width=50%> :'''Wyldstyle''': ''[to Emmet as they make their way through the saloon]'' Okay, let's find the wizard and get this over with. ''[as they make their way through, the patrons look at Emmet menacingly]'' ''[Emmet gasps, yelps] [Wyldstyle notices Vitruvius playing the piano at the saloon]'' Psst. There he is. ''[she goes over to him]'' Vitruvius. :'''Vitruvius''': Who? I've never heard of that man, whom I am not. Who are you? :'''Wyldstyle''': It's me. :'''Vitruvius''': I am a blind man, and cannot see. :'''Wyldstyle''': It's Wyldstyle. :'''Vitruvius''': Are you a DJ? ''[gasps]'' :'''Wyldstyle''': No, why does everyone...? :'''Vitiruvius''': Wait, wait, were you the student I used to have who was so insecure she kept changing her name? Yeah, first Dark Storm... Then Gemini, then there was Neversmile--- Then Freak Face... Then Snazzypants... ''[suddenly Vitruvius stops playing and turns to Wyldstyle]'' Meet me upstairs in 10-Seconds. ''[he then turns and starts to walk off using his, Vitruvius grunts as he falls and finally lands onto the ground, scepter when suddenly he bangs into the wall]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Emmet''': Step one: Alright, we need a blue two-piece unit over at the... <hr width=50%> :'''Wyldstyle''': That would be great, but ''Emmet'' is the one who found the Piece. ''[Emmet turns and waves he chuckles]'' :'''Vitruvius''': ''[gasps]'' Oh, okay. ''[turning to Emmet]'' Emmet, the prophecy states that... you're ''the special'', the most talented-- :'''Wyldstyle''': I'm not sure he's the Special, actually--''[Emmet's started chuckles]''--because he's not even a Master Builder. Watch! Emmet, just given what's around you, build something simple! <hr width=50%> :'''Emmet''': ''[Vitruvius goes over to Emmet and puts his hands against Emmet's head]'' Uh, what are you doing? ''[suddenly Vitruvius pulls off Emmet's hair revealing his Lego head]'' :'''Vitruvius''': We are entering your mind. :'''Emmet''': '''''WHAT?!?!?!''''' :'''Vitruvius''': ...to prove that you have to unlock the potential to be a Master Builder, ''ujjayi breath!'' ''[Vitruvius chants in magical language]'' ''Shut your face, a found ''The Dog''!'' ''[Vitruvius and Wyldstyle start bowing and moving around Emmet until finally we see all of them in Emmet's mind which is a vast empty space]'' :'''Emmet''': ''[echoing]'' ''Whoa, are we inside my brain right now? It's big. I must be smart.'' :'''Wyldstyle''': ''[echoing]'' ''Hmmmmm.'' :'''Vitruvius''': ''[echoing]'' ''I'm not hearing a lot of activity here.'' :'''Wyldstyle''': ''I don't think he's ever had an original thought in his life.'' :'''Emmet''': ''[chuckles]'' ''That's not true. For instance, one time I wanted to have a bunch of my friends over to watch TV.'' ''[suddenly a TV forms behind him]'' ''Not unlike this TV that just showed up magically. And not everybody could fit on my one couch.'' ''[a couch forms behind him]'' ''And I thought to myself, well, what if there’s such a thing as a bunk bed, but as a couch?'' ''[suddenly the couch forms into a double decker couch]'' ''Introducing ''the double decker couch'': So everyone could watch TV, together and be buddies!'' ''[dead silence]'' :'''Wyldstyle''': ''That's literally the dumbest thing I've ever heard.'' :'''Vitruvius''': ''Please, Wyldstyle. Lemme handle this, that idea is just the worst.'' ''[to Emmet]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Vitruvius''': This is Middle Zealand. A wondrous land full of knights, castles, muttons, torture weapons, poverty, leeches, illiteracy, and um... :'''Emmet''': ''[Out of the sun flying straight towards them is a...]'' '''''DRAGON!!!''''' ''[The Batwing takes dive as the dragon swoops down]'' :'''Vitruvius''': Yeah, that too. ''[Batman quickly turns the Batwing back into the Batmobile and lands the car into a forest area, it speeds along the track, Batman makes his aircraft transform into a car and lands on the ground and drives through the woods]'' Once we arrive in Cloud Cuckoo Land, we'll raise an army of Master Builders... :'''Batman''': Yeah, yeah, anyway. You guys gotta check out these new subwoofers I installed in the back, I call them ''The Dogs.'' Listen to them bark! ''[Batman turns on some music, sending heavy metal blasting through Emmet and Vitruvius, bouncing them and the roof of the Batmobile up and down, Emmet screams he turns on his stereo making Emmet and Vitruvius jump in the back]'' :'''Emmet''': Can you turn that down a little bit?! :'''Batman''': This is a song I wrote for Wyldstyle! ''[Wyldstyle smiles at Batman before singing with the song, we hear Batman's voice as he sings to the heavy metal music]'' ''Darkness!'' ''[to Emmet and Vitruvius]'' It's about how I'm an orphan! ''[the song continues]'' ''No parents!'' :'''Wyldstyle''': ''[Wyldstyle turns to Emmet]'' This is real music, Emmet. Batman's a true artist. Dark, brooding. :'''Emmet''': Well, I'm dark and brooding too! ''[Emmet gasps, suddenly he notices something ahead]'' Look, a rainbow! ''[as they reach the rainbow]'' :'''Vitruvius''': So, you're gonna drive up the curved part, ''['''Batman''': ''Super rich!'']'' take it all the way to the top ''['''Batman''': ''Kinda makes it better!'']'' and park the car. ''[the Batmoblie stops, Batman drives up the rainbow and stops the car at the very top]'' Friends, welcome to Cloud Cuckoo Land. ''[an angelic chord plays as the camera pans down to the group standing in front of a rather large cloud, the rainbow disappears and they are surrounded by clouds]'' Now, I just need to give the secret knock. <hr width=50%> :'''Emmet''': ''[Emmet gasps]'' Is that [[Superman]]? :'''[[Statue of Liberty]]''': Bonjour. :'''Superman''': Girl, what are you doing right now? :'''[[Green Lantern]]''': ''[appears from behind Emmet]'' Hey, Superman! :'''Superman''': Oh, hey... Hey, what's up? :'''Green Lantern''': ''[fixing his mask]'' Lantern. Green Lantern. :'''Superman''': Yeah, yeah. :'''Green Lantern''': Do you wanna sit together at the meeting? :'''Superman''': Uh, I have to, I have to go back to Krypton. ''[Superman quickly flies off]'' :'''Green Lantern''': ''[the camera pans to Vitruvius addressing the room at large]'' Did didn't Krypton blow up? :'''Vitruvius''': My fellow, Master Builders, including, but not limited to: [[Robin Hood]], Mermaid Lady, Gandalf, Swamp Creature, 1980-something Space Guy... ''['''Benny''': 'Hello!']'' ...2002 NBA All Stars and Wonder Woman. You have traveled far to be here for a moment of great import. We have learned that Lord Business plans to unleash a fully-weaponized Kragle on Taco Tuesday, to end the world as we know it. ''[the Master Builders express their shock and outrage]'' Please, calm yourselves. Green Ninja, Milhouse, Nice Vampire, [[Michelangelo]], [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles|Michelangelo]] and [[Cleopatra]]. There is yet one hope, the Special has arisen. :''[he steps aside to reveal Emmet while hushed murmurs spread around]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Superman''': ''IT DIDN'T BREAK!'' :'''Bad Cop''': Because it's Kragled. ''[to his robots]'' Machine gum! Fire! ''[they shoot at Superman with chewing gum making him splat to the ground stuck in the gum]'' :'''Superman''': ''[screams]'' I can't move. :'''Green Lantern''': Don't worry, Superman! I'll get you out of there. ''[as Green Lantern goes to rescue Superman his hands get stuck in the gum and screams]'' Oh, my gosh! My hands are stuck! ''[he wriggles his legs and those get stuck in the gum too]'' My legs are stuck as well! :'''Superman''': I super hate you. <hr width=50%> :'''Emmet''': ''[as the robots have got hold of Emmet] '''OW, YOU'RE PULLING MY TORSO OFF!!''''' :'''Wyldstyle''': Babe, help me get him out of here! :'''Batman''': I said ''every man for himself.'' :'''Wyldstyle''': Hey, you gotta be there for me. ''[Batman groans as he falls and finally lands onto the ground]'' :'''Batman''': Fine! Fine, fine, fine! ''[reluctantly he goes to her aide and fights off the robots attacking Emmet]'' Fine, fine, fine, fine! :'''Wyldstyle''': I need you to have a better attitude about it! :'''Batman''': I've a great attitude! ''[Batman gets the tracker off Emmet and throws it at one of the robots]'' :'''Bad Cop''': ''[Bad Cop picks up Emmet's tracker which is now attached to the robot]'' The Special's in the northwest quadrant, we've got him corner! ''[he looks down but all he sees is the robot with the tracker attached to his head smacking into a wall]'' Where did he go? :'''Unikitty''': Oh, no! They've hit our silly cloud stabilizer! :'''Wyldstyle''': Let's go, we need to get Emmet outta here! :'''Emmet''': Can't we build something? ''[suddenly the space guy comes over to them]'' :'''Benny''': Hey, I'm Ben! But you can call me Benny! And I can build a spaceship. Watch this. ''[he starts building a spaceship and chanting along as he works]'' ''[Benny singing] Spaceship, spaceship, spaceship, spaceship! Spaceshi--!'' :'''Wyldstyle''': No, no, no, no! You can't, the skies are surrounded. :'''Benny''': That's okay, I didn't really wanna build a spaceship. ''[Benny chuckles]'' Anyway, that's cool. ''[Groaning]'' ''[looking visibly disappointed he kicks his half built spaceship and it falls apart]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Bad Cop''': ''[the group takes the submarine towards the water as Bad Cop at his robots are chasing after them]'' Stop him, stop him! ''[suddenly the submarine goes off the edge of a cloud and plunges down]'' Don't let him get to the water! ''[as they get closer to the water]'' :''[Wyldstyle screams as he falls and finally lands onto the ground]'' :'''Wyldstyle''': Dive, dive, dive! Everybody in! We're going under! :''[A submarine splashes, the submarine plunges into the water. A chair splashes]'' :'''Bad Cop''': ''[grunts]'' :''[We hear muffled screams and we then see Cloud Cuckoo Land being destroyed by the robots and the Master Builders handcuffed and taken as prisoners]'' :'''Wonder Woman''': Oh, no. <hr width=50%> :'''Batman''': ''[he trails off hoping for any positive comments]'' You are so disappointing on so many levels. :'''Vitruvius''': Why are my pants cold and wet? ''[A shot of water rising in the sub]'' Uh... :'''Computer''': ''[a wall is breached and even more water floods in]'' ''Hull breach!'' :'''Unikitty''': The walls are crying! :'''Benny''': ''[as she tries to plug a hole]'' We're falling apart at the seams! ''[screams]'' ''[as the submarine starts to fall apart]'' :'''Batman''': This is not how Batman dies! :''[Emmet screams, as the submarine fills with water Emmet starts to drown. Wyldstyle reaches for him]'' :'''Wyldstyle''': '''Emmet!''' Hold on, hold on! :'''Emmet''': '''Wyldstyle!''' :''[the shot goes to outside the sub, red lights coming from the windows as it goes through the water as an alarm beeps faster and faster signalling a detonation]'' :'''Wyldstyle''': '''Deep breath!''' ''[gasps]'' '''Deep breath, everybod--!!''' :''[the sub explodes, the camera follows a floating piece of debris to the surface]'' :''[where Bad Cop and a few Micro Managers are looking around]'' :'''Bad Cop''': Micro-Managers, what's going on down there? :'''Micro-Manager''': ''Scanning submarine wreckage. No survivors detected.'' :'''Bad Cop''': Scuba Cops? Dredge the entire ocean if you have to, we've go to find that piece, ''[Scuba Cops dive in the water to begin their search]'' let's get these prisoners back to Lord Business and give him the good news: "the Special is no more"! ''[they all depart from the wreckage]'' :'''Bank Robber''': That's it, you're Bad Cop's face off right now! I'll never tell you again! <hr width=50%> :'''Emmet''': Okay. :''[Emmet walks up to the platform and waves to everyone. Clears his throat]'' Hello, I'm Emmet. [referring to the Piece of Resistance] Oh, and this is the Piece of Resistance. :''[the Master Builders cheer. Wyldstyle watches in bewilderment]'' :'''Emmet''': Thank you. Well, eeeeehhhh. I know that I for one am very excited to work with you guys, to get into the Octan Tower, find the Kragle and put this thing on the thing, and I know it's going to be really hard, but... ''[suddenly gets interrupted by another Master Builder]'' :'''Metalbeard''': <big>'''REALLY HARD?!'''</big> ''[the audience gasps]'' Wiping ye bum with a hook for a hand is really hard, this be impossible! The last time we tried to storm Lord Business's office, we used every plan we could conceive, the result was a massacre too terrible to speak of. :'''Emmet''': Who are you? :'''Metalbeard''': The name be Metal Beard, and I'll tell you me tale of woe. :'''Vitruvius''': Oh, great. Here we go again. [Metal Beard recounts his failed attempt in trying to infiltrate Lord Business's office] :'''Metalbeard''': I arrived at the foot of the tower with me hearty Master Builder crew, only to find the Kragle was all the way up on the infinitieth floor guarded by a robot army. And security measures of every kind imaginable, lasers, sharks, laser sharks, overbearing assistants, and strange dangerous relics that entrap, snap and zap. And there be a mysterious room called "The Think Tank." I barely made it out of that room with just me head... [Metalbeard hops out of the tower with his head and escapes on his ship as it purrs away] ...and organs! [Metalbeard's organs pop out of the Octan tower and land in his ship and it purrs away again] :'''Emmet''': ''[disturbed]'' Okay. :'''Metalbeard''': I had to replace every part of my once strapping virile pirate body with this useless hunk of garbage ye see before ye. ''[to Emmet]'' So if ye think it'd be a good idea to return to that foresaken place, Special, what idea have ye that be better than the ideas of-100-of our fallen Master Builder brothers? :'''Emmet''': Well, technically I'm not exactly a Master Builder yet. :'''Metalbeard''': <big>'''WHAT?!'''</big> ''[the other Master Builders shout in outrage]'' :'''Emmet''': Please, everyone, everyone! please. :'''[[William Shakespeare]]''': ''[throws a pizza]'' Rubbish! :'''Emmet''': [addressing the Master Builders] Yes, it's true, I may not be a Master Builder, I may not have a lot of experience fighting or leading or coming up with plans, or having ideas in general, in fact, I'm not all that smart, and I'm not what you'd call a creative type, plus, generally unskilled, also, scared and cowardly, I know what, you're thinking? "He is the least qualified person in the world to lead us!" And, you are right! :'''Swamp Creature''': This is supposed to make us feel better? :'''Emmet''': What th-? No, there was about to be a but... :'''Gandalf''': You're a butt! :'''Dumbledore''': Yes. :''[Outside Cloud Cuckoo Land, Metalbeard and a few knights and cowboys are leaving]'' :'''Metalbeard''': You all be on your own! I be leaving this lost cause! [Metalbeard jumps onto his ship and sails off Cuckoo Land, as it purrs] :'''Emmet''': Why are you leaving?! :'''[[Abraham Lincoln]]''': A house divided against itself would be better than this. [Lincoln jumps into his seat and it suddenly takes off like a spaceship] :'''Emmet''': Abraham Lincoln, you bring your space chair right back here! Come on, guys! [nearly gets hit by a falling object] We can still do this! [another Master Builder throws a blue disc at him] Oh! Right? :'''Master Builder 1''': You're not even a bit special. [Wyldstyle, Batman and Unikitty sadly watch] :'''Batman''': [Batman whispering to Wyldstyle as they watch Emmet] Well, you were right about him being a ding-dong. [the Master Builders continue to jeer and throw things at Emmet] :'''Master Builder 2''': You're a huge disappointment! [Emmet, sad and disappointed, turns and starts walking off] '''Master Builder 3''': Get him out of here, I don't wanna look at him! :'''Emmet''': Well, at least it can't get any worse. :Master Builder 4''': Special? Not! :''[A giant golf ball suddenly falls out of nowhere, destroying the Dog]'': :'''Emmet''': I was wrong. :''[Emmet yells and runs away as the falling ball falls onto the ground, goes through the eye of the dog and squishes an Island Warrior Master Builder]'' :'''Superman''': It's the orb of ''Tee-te-list''. <hr width=50%> :'''Superman''': All the Master Builders you've captured over the years, you brought them here! :'''Lord Business''': You're a very perceptive person, Superman, they come up with all the instructions for everything in the universe: '''ROBOTS!''', ''Beep'' ''[the robots strap a device to Superman's head]'' :'''Superman''': ''No, no!'' ''[groans] [screaming]'' NO!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! ''[shudders, then his chair shoots up to the top]'' Can't get much worse than this. <hr width=50%> :''[Benny chuckles and we see the double decker couch floating on the sea and suddenly Emmet and the others pop out of their hiding place from under the flip up seats]'' :'''Vitruvius''': Well, we're still alive. :'''Unikitty''': '''''YEAH!!!''''' :'''Wyldstyle''': ''[gasps]'' The double decker couch! It wasn't totally pointless after all! :'''Benny''': ''[to Emmet]'' It's the one thing that stayed together. :'''Vitruvius''': I always believed in you, Emmet. :'''Batman''': I don't mean to spoil the party, but does anyone else notice we're stuck in the middle of the ocean on this couch? I mean, it's not like a big gigantic ship is just gonna come out of nowhere and save us. ''[suddenly a big gigantic ship becomes visible as it comes over to them]'' My, gosh! <hr width=50%> :'''Batman''': Well, it's kind of hard not to hear when you're yelling everything. :'''Unikitty''': ''[laughs]'' So, why did you come back? :'''Metalbeard''': This bedoubled land couch. ''[Everyone turns to look at Emmet's double decker couch]'' I watched Lord Business's forces completely overlook it. Which means we need more ideas like it! <hr width=50%> :'''Emmet''': What's the last thing Lord Business would expect Master Builders to do? :'''Benny''': Build a spaceship? :'''Vitruvius''': Kill a chicken? :'''Unikitty''': Marry a marshmallow! :'''Metalbeard''': Why, this. ''[changes into a singing face: ♪Hum hum hum How ya gonna keep them down at the farm?♪♪]'' :'''Emmet''': No! It's follow the instructions. :''[Everybody groans and complains]'' :'''Benny''': Don't like that. :'''Unikitty''': Sounds weird. :'''Emmet''': No, wait guys. Listen. You guys are so talented and imaginative... but you can't work as a team. I'm just a construction worker, but when I have a plan and we were working together, we could build a skyscraper. Now you guys are Master Builders. Just imagine what you could do if you did that! ...You could save the universe! :'''Vitruvius''': Well said, Emmet. Well said. :'''Emmet''': Really? :'''Metalbeard''': She be a fine speech there, laddie. :'''Emmet''': Okay. Somebody get me some markers... some construction paper... and some GLITTER GLUE!!! ''[Emmet stands in front of the instructions he's drawn]'' ''I call this, ''Emmet's plan to get inside the tower, put the Piece of Resistance on the Kragle and save the world'', I've built a hundred just like them back in the city, if we could just get in there, I know where all the air ducts and wiring are located, I can get us anywhere.'' :'''Vitruvius''': How will we get inside? :'''Emmet''': ''[Whispers]'' In a spaceship! :'''Benny''': '''SPACESHIP!''' ''[Benny chuckles and rushes off excitedly to build a spaceship]'' :'''Batman''': Great idea, a Bat spaceship. :'''Emmet''': No, they're expecting us to show up in a Bat spaceship, or a pirate spaceship, or a rainbow sparkled spaceship. <hr width="50%"> :'''Wylstyle''': Bad Cop? :'''Bad Cop''': I hope there's still a Good Cop in me somewhere. ''[draw a new face for Good Cop with a red marker]'' :'''Scribble Cop''': I'll hold these guys off. You go stop 'em. Yay! <hr width=50%> :'''Emmet''': You... don't have to be... the bad guy. You are the most talented... most interesting... and extraordinary person in the universe. And you are capable of amazing things, because you are the Special. :''[Lord Business looks shocked and lowers the Kragle]'' :'''Emmet''': And so am I, and so is everyone, the prophecy is made up, but it's also true, it's about all of us, right now, it's about you, and you, still, can change everything. :''[he holds up the Piece of Resistance. Business, touched by Emmet's speech drops the Kragle and starts walking over to him. Cut to the real world where Finn's father approaches his son, kneels down and hugs Finn, at the same time in Lego world, we see Lord Business is hugging Emmet.]'' :'''Emmet''': Oh, we got a hugger. ''[Emmet hands the Piece of Resistance to Lord Business]'' Be careful, I have been told... it might explode. :''[Lord Business winks at Emmet, makes his way to the Kragle, in the real world Finn's father places the lid on the Krazy Glue, at the same time Lord Business places the Piece of Resistance on to the Kragle and into the TAKO device]'' :'''Lord Business''': ''[strains, exhales deeply]'' Emmet, thank you. And I just want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, from this moment forward, I solemnly promise that I will never-- :'''Emmet''': ''[screaming]'' :''[suddenly the Kragle explodes causing all the micro-managers and nozzles to de-activate. Emmet lands in the middle of the city where his friends are.]'' :'''Benny''': '''''EMMET!''''' :'''Metalbeard''': '''''Emmet, arr!''''' :'''Emmet''': ''[Chuckling]'' Hey, everyone! Is everyone, okay. Where's Lucy? ''[Unikitty laughs, as the micro-managers fall down]'' ''[Wyldstyle comes up from under a micro-manager]'' :'''Wyldstyle''': Emmet! :'''Emmet''': Lucy! ''[Emmet rushes over to her and Wyldstyle jumps into his arms]'' :'''Wyldstyle''': We did it! ''[Unikitty laughs]'' ''[Batman clears throat. Just as Emmet and Wyldstyle are about to hold hands Batman interrupts them]'' ''[Emmet gasps]'' Oh, eeehhh. Emmet, wait, Batman, there's something I need to say to you! :'''Batman''': No, Wyldstyle. I mean, Lucy! ''[he points to Emmet]'' He's the hero you deserve! :'''Wyldstyle''': ''[Wyldstyle smiles and Emmet looks behind him to see who Batman was pointing at]'' Thanks, Batman! :'''Unikitty''': ''[giggles]'' :''[Wyldstyle turns Emmet's face towards her and they finally hold hands as everyone cheers for them. We see Vitruvius's ghostly form hovering over the city watching them]'' :'''Vitruvius''': ''[breaking the fourth wall]'' I liked Emmet ''before'' he was cool. ''[we see Business is pouring an antidote to unstick everybody]'' :'''President Business''': Whoops! I have the antidote for the Kragle! How did that happen :''[at the same time in the real world Finn's father is pouring glue remover all over the Lego pieces as Finn watches]'' :'''Finn''': ''De-kragler!'' :'''The Man Upstairs''': Watch this. YEAH! ''[as Finn's father pours glue remover onto Pa and Ma Cop Finn reunites Bad Cop with his parents]'' :'''Finn''': Oh, Mommy, Daddy, you're okay! :''[scene changes to Bad Cop reunited with his parents]'' :'''Ma Cop''': ''[Ma Cop chuckles]'' Oh, son! ''[Bad Cop who's now using his drawn on Good Cop face hugs his parents]'' :'''Good Cop''': Hi, Mom, hi, Dad. :'''Pa Cop''': ''[chuckles]'' We're okay, son. ''[Pa Cop chuckles, in the real world as Finn and his father are playing with the Lego pieces Mom calls out]'' :'''Mom''': ''[calls out]'' Hey, guys? Time to come up for dinner! It’s Taco Tuesday, your favorite! :'''The Man Upstairs''': Okay, honey, well, be up in a sec. :'''Finn''': Oh, yeah, we'll be up in a sec! :'''The Man Upstairs''': I got to tell you something. :'''Finn''': What? :'''The Man Upstairs''': Now that I'm letting you come down here and play, guess who else gets to come down here and play? :'''Finn''': Who? :'''The Man Upstairs''': Your sister. :'''Finn''': ''[surprised]'' What? :''[last lines; as everyone Emmet and the gang are having a feast on the Double-Decker couch]'' :'''Emmet''': We'll things sure have a way of working out smoothly. Am I right, guys? ''[suddenly an alien spaceship hovers above them]'' Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat...? :''[a trio of [[w:Duplo|Duplo]] alien figures descend into the Lego world]'' :'''Duplo''': ''[Baby voice]'' ''Well, we're from the planet Duplon, and we're here to destroy you.'' :'''Emmet''': ... Oh, man. ''[End of The Lego Movie]'' == Cast == * [[w:Chris Pratt|Chris Pratt]] as Emmet Brickowski * [[Will Ferrell]] as President Business/Lord Business/The Man Upstairs (Finn's Father) * [[w:Elizabeth Banks|Elizabeth Banks]] as Wyldstyle/Lucy * [[Will Arnett]] as [[w:Batman|Lego Batman]] * [[w:Nick Offerman|Nick Offerman]] as Metal Beard * [[w:Alison Brie|Alison Brie]] as Princess Unikitty * [[w:Charlie Day|Charlie Day]] as Benny * [[w:Liam Neeson|Liam Neeson]] as Bad Cop/Good Cop/Pa Cop * [[w:Michael Bell|Michael Bell]] as Robber (2022 release by Universal Pictures) * [[Morgan Freeman]] as Vitruvius * [[w:Jadon Sand|Jadon Sand]] as Finn * [[w:Melissa Sturm|Melissa Sturm]] as Gail/Ma Cop * [[Anthony Daniels]] as [[w:C-3PO|C-3PO]] * [[Shaquille O'Neal|Shaquille O'Neal as himself]] * [[Jake Johnson]] as Barry * [[w:Robbie Daymond|Robbie Daymond]] as Randy (Uncredited) * [[w:David Franco|Dave Franco]] as Wally * [[w:Keegan-Michael Key|Keegan-Michael Key]] as Foreman Jim * [[w:Will Forte|Will Forte]] as [[Abraham Lincoln|Lego Abraham Lincoln]] * [[w:Jorma Taccone|Jorma Taccone]] as [[William Shakespeare|Lego William Shakespeare]]/Sheriff Not a Robot * [[w:David Burrows|David Burrows]] as Octan Robot and Super Secret Police Robots * [[w:Chris Romano|Chris Romano]] as [[w:Plumber|Plumber]] Joe * [[w:Amanda Farinos|Amanda Farinos]] as Mom * [[w:Chris McKay|Chris McKay]] as Larry the [[w:Barista|Barista]] * [[w:Todd Hansen|Todd Hansen]] as [[w:Gandalf|Gandalf]]/Swamp Creature * [[w:Doug Nicholas|Doug Nicholas]] as [[w:Surfer|Surfer]] Dave/Micro Managers * [[w:Chris Paluszek|Chris Paluszek]] as [[w:Robot|Robot]] [[w:Foreman|Foreman]] * [[w:Kelly Lafferty|Kelly Lafferty]] as Lord Business' Assistant * [[w:Graham Miller|Graham Miller]] as Lego [[w:Duplo|Duplo]] * [[w:Leiki Veskimets|Leiki-Veskimets]] as Octan [[w:Computer|Computer]] * [[w:Phil Lord and Chris Miller|Chris Miller]] as [[w:TV Presenter|TV Presenter]] == Release date == {| class="wikitable" ! Laser Pointer !! No. !! Studio !! co-released it with Warner Bros. Pictures<br>and Warner Animation Group |- | Violet (Purple) || 5-piece || Amazon Studios (August 29, 2026)<br>Paramount+ (April 2027)<br>Paramount || May 19, 2015 (DVD/Blu-ray/Blu-ray 3D)<br>May 24, 2016 (4K Ultra HD Blu-ray) |- | Brown || 6-piece || Starz/Anchor Bay || December 1, 2015 |- | Yellow || 1-piece || Sony Wonder (April 2025)<br>Amazon Studios (July 2028)<br>Columbia Pictures<br>Sony Pictures Animation || August 2, 2016 |- | Black || 7-piece || Shout Factory || November 1, 2016 |- | Gray || 11-piece || Lionsgate in association with<br>Artisan's Family Home Entertainment || October 17, 2017 |- | White || 10-piece || Kino Lorber || January 2, 2018 |- | Green || 3-piece || Disney+ (May 2027)<br>Disney/Pixar (November 2025)<br>Hulu (September 2029)<br>20th Century Fox<br>Blue Sky Studios || March 13, 2018<br>April 11, 2023 (Disney Movie Club) |- | Pink || 9-piece || MGM/United Artists Releasing || August 6, 2019 |- | Orange || 8-piece || A24 || December 22, 2020 |- | Blue || 2-piece || Peacock TV (December 2026)<br>Universal Pictures || September 20, 2022 (Studio Distribution Services) |- | Gold || 12-piece || PBS || November 14, 2023 |- | Aqua Blue || 13-piece || Orion Studios || July 9, 2024 |- | Silver || 14-piece || Netflix/Netflix Animation || November 4, 2025 |} == External links == * {{imdb title| id=1490017| title=The Lego Movie }} {{DEFAULTSORT:LEGO Movie, The}} {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2014 films]] [[Category:2010s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]] [[Category:American children's animated science fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated superhero films]] [[Category:Dystopian films]] [[Category:Films based on toys]] [[Category:The Lego Movie]] [[Category:American films with live action and animation]] ma2v1ojctm5qnokv4v6s1avehdu05mh 3158052 3158051 2022-08-26T02:38:14Z 2600:1007:B02D:1DBA:21A1:6202:94CA:868B wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Lego Movie|The Lego Movie]]''''' is a [[w:2014 in film|2014]] [[w:computer animation|computer animated]] [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] about an ordinary LEGO construction worker, thought to be the prophesied "special", who is recruited to join a quest to stop an evil diabolical tyrant from gluing the LEGO universe into his own selfish vision of perfection. :''Directed and written by [[w:Phil Lord|Phil Lord]] and [[David Soren]] & Bob Anderson.'' Story by Dan Lin And Kathleen Fleming, Phil Lord and Christopher Miller.'' ==Vitruvius== *''[a red laser is shoots at the Vitruvius eyes to blind and grunts]'' Unh! My eyes! Ow! == Dialogue == :'''Lord Business''': ''[after knocking down Vitruvius Lord Business goes over to the Kragle]'' The Kragle, the most powerful super weapon is mine: ''[he opens the Kragle]'' ''[He opens the case. We see something glowing]'' Oh, the Kragle! ''[laughs evilly as his horns shoot fire]'' Now my evil power will be unlimited! Can you feel me?! :'''[[w:Robot|Robot]]''': ''[monotone]'' I can feel you. ''[his robots start carrying the Kragle away]'' :'''Lord Business''': WHOO! Nothing's gonna stop me now! :'''Vitruvius''': ''[weakly to down]'' Wait, there's a prophecy. :'''Lord Business''': ''[grumbling]'' Oh, ''now'' there's a prophecy. :'''Vitruvius''': About the Piece of Resistance. :'''Lord Business''': ''[he turns to Vitruvius]'' Oh, yes, the supposed missing Piece of Resistance that can somehow magically disarm the Kragle, gimme a break! ''[to Lord Business] [Vitruvius rises and turns to face Lord Business, suddenly his eyes shine brightly]'' ''[Gasping]'' :'''Vitruvius''': ''One day a talented lass or fellow, a Special one with face of yellow, will make the Piece of Resistance found from its hiding refuge underground, and with a noble army at the helm, this Master Builder will thwart the Kragle and save the realm, and be the greatest, most interesting, most important person of all times, all this is true, because it rhymes.'' :'''Lord Business''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, wow, that was a great, inspiring legend... that ''you made up.'' :''[Business kicks Vitruvius screaming off the ledge with his giant robot leg]'' :'''Lord Business''': A special one? What a bunch of hippy dippy baloney. <hr width=50%> :'''Radio DJ''': ''[he turns on the radio]'' ''Top of the charts again, it's ''everything is awesome''.'' :'''Emmet''': Oh, my gosh! I love this ''Song''! ''[Everything Is Awesome turns on, the music starts playing]'' Always use the turn signal, park between the lines. ''[Emmet and everyone else parks in exactly the same way]'' Yes! Drop off dry cleaning before noon, read the headlines, don't forget to smile. ''[waves and smiles to everyone as he walks down the street]'' :'''Paper Boy''': Paper! :'''Emmet''': Always root for the local sports team. ''[a train full of passengers appear]'' :'''LEGO® Citizens''': Gooooooooo, '''SPORTS TEAM!!''' :'''Emmet''': Always return a compliment. ''[to the male Lego citizen stepping out of the coffee shop]'' Hey, you look nice! ''[everyone turns to Emmet]'' :'''LEGO® Citizens''': So, do you! :'''Emmet''': Drink Overpriced Coffee! ''[inside the coffee shop he buys a coffee]'' :'''Larry The Barista''': Here you go, that's $37. ''[Emmet looks at him for a moment before replying with excitement]'' :'''Emmet''': ''[Laughing]'' Awesome! ''[Emmet walks to work with his overpriced coffee following the line of all the other construction workers doing exactly the same]'' :'''Construction Worker''': Did you see ''Where are my Pants?'' last night? ''[everyone laughs and replies at the same time]'' :'''Emmet''': ''[chuckles]'' ''Classic episode!'' :'''Foreman''': ''[Everything is Awesome" continues to play in the background as the Lego construction workers get into position]'' Instructions coming in from central. Okay, it says here that anything that's weird then blow it up! ''[the workers start blowing up the buildings]'' ''['''''BOOM!!!!''''']'' All right, Cylinder-Heads, let's make it look exactly like it does in the Instructions! :'''Construction Worker #1''': Hey, buddy! I need 1x2 keyhole! :'''Emmet''': No problem, Michael. :'''Construction Worker #2''': 2x2 macaroni over here. :'''Emmet''': 2x2 macaroni flying in! Here's 1, Mel. :'''Construction Worker #3''': Guys, got a 1x1 with an indented stud on 1 side! :'''Foreman''': Cheese, look, cheese slopes, come on, everybody! :'''Emmet''': Roger that, Roger. :'''Construction Worker #4''': Look alive, coming at you. :'''Construction Worker #5''': Can I get a couple LURPs over here? :'''Emmet''': Thanks, Gail. :'''Construction Worker #6''': Guys, watch me drill this down. :''[everyone cheers]'' :'''Construction Workers''': ''[they all start singing along to "Everything is Awesome"]'' :'''Emmet''': Man, I feel so good right now! '''I CAN SING THIS SONG FOR HOURS!''' ''[5 hours later]'' ''[everyone at the construction site is still singing "Everything is Awesome" and it's finally coming to the end of the day]'' :'''Barry''': When you're part of a '''''TEAM!''' ['''BOOM!''' everyone cheering]'' Yeah, I'm gonna the sports bar after work tonight, who wants to eat some delicious chicken wings and get ''[Gail laughs] '''CRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZYYYYY?!''' [as the other constructions workers start to leave together, Emmet is left behind and tries to get their attention]'' :'''Emmet''': Chicken wings? I love chicken wings! :'''Construction Worker #6''': Yeah, who wants to share a croissant with this guy? :'''Emmet''': Croissants? I love croissants! :'''Construction Worker #7''': Oh, yeah! I sure do love giant sausages! :'''Emmet''': Giant sausages, no way! ''[nobody pays Emmet any attention as he tries to join them]'' You know what I love to do? Is share a meal with the special people in my life, Fred, Barry, Gail, me and y...? [Emmet runs into a construction post and falls. A gust of wind blows his instructions away]'' Ah, no guys, wait up! Okay, I'll meet you there! ''[Emmet chases after his instruction manual as the wind continues to carry it off]'' Oh, where did it go? ''[he finds the manual lying on some Lego rubble]'' Oh, there you are. ''[Emmet laughs, relieved, as he retrieves the manual and turns to leave but stops when he hears a whoosh]'' I think I heard a whoosh. <hr width=50%> :'''Emmet''': I feel like maybe I should touch that. :'''Voice''': ''It's so interesting... Touch the Piece... Touch the Piece... It's so interesting... Touch the Piece...'' ''[Emmet gets up and starts walking over to the giant block]'' :'''Emmet''': Uh... ''[he becomes completely transfixed and steps over his instruction manual]'' :'''Voice''': ''Touch the--'' :''[he slowly extends his hand and touches the block and gets a vision which includes Vitruvius reciting the Piece of Resistance prophecy]'' :'''Vitruvius''': ''A Special one with face of yellow...'' ''[Emmet falls, screaming]'' ''...will make the Piece of Resistance found from its hiding refuge underground...'' ''[Emmet is still falling]'' ''...this Master Builder...'' ''[girl screams]'' ''...will thwart the Kragle and save the realm...'' :'''Wyldstyle''': '''''Come on, Everyone, protect the Special!''''' :'''Vitruvius''': ''[Emmet then passes out]'' ''...the Special has arisen.'' :'''Boy''': ''It's your turn to be the hero.'' :'''Bad Cop''': ''[as Emmet slowly wakes he hears someone's voice]'' ''[Bad Cop echoes in distorted voice]'' ''Wake up.'' :'''Emmet''': ''[waking up]'' ''[echoes in distorted voice]'' ''Ugh.'' :'''Bad Cop''': ''Come on, wake up! Where are the Master Builders?! How did you find the Piece of Resistance?! Hey?! Where is it?!'' :'''Emmet''': ''[Emmet's wake up out voice interrogating hears as starts to open his eyes]'' ''[in normal voice]'' Good morning, apartment...? :'''Bad Cop''': ''[in normal voice]'' '''''WAKE UP!''''' ''[an angry looking cop shines a light onto Emmet making him immediately awake]'' :'''Emmet''': ''[screams]'' :'''Bad Cop''': How did you find the Piece of Resistance?! :'''Emmet''': The Piece of what? :'''Bad Cop''': The Piece of Resistance. ''[Bad Cop grunts, and screams as he falls and finally lands onto the ground, suddenly he knocks a chair aside in anger scaring Emmet, we see Emmet is being held in an interrogation room with his hands shackled to chair]'' :'''Emmet''': ''I- I- I don't, where am I? what's happening?'' :'''Bad Cop''': ''What's happening?'' Playing dumb, Master Builder. :'''Emmet''': No, I... ''master builder?'' :'''Bad Cop''': Oh, so you've never heard of the prophecy? :'''Emmet''': No, I... :'''Bad Cop''': Or the Special? :'''Emmet''': ''No! No, I...'' :'''Bad Cop''': You're a *liar!* We'll ''kill'' ya. ''[Bad Cop backflips and starts to kick and wrestle a chair]'' :'''Emmet''': Look, um... ''[Bad Cop chuckles]'' I watch a lot of cop shows on TV... ''[Emmet gasps]'' Isn't there supposed to also be a-? Isn't there supposed to be a ''Good Cop''?! ''[Emmet ducks as Bad Cop throws the chair to the wall]'' :'''Bad Cop''': Oh yes. But we're not done yet. ''[switches head]'' :'''[[w:Good Cop|Good Cop]]''': Hi, buddy! [[Spider-Man (2002 film)|I'm your friendly neighborhood police officer!]] Would you like a glass of water? :'''Emmet''': Yeah, actually that sounds- :'''Bad Cop''': ''[switches back to his face]'' '''TOO BAAAD!!!''' ''[smacks the glass away]'' ''Security cameras picked up this!'' ''[grunts]'' You were found at the construction site convulsing with a strange piece. :'''Emmet''': That's disgusting! :'''Bad Cop''': Then why is it permanently stuck to your back? :'''Emmet''': ''[peers back, sees that The Piece of Resistance is glued onto his back, and screams in alarm, and tries to get it off]'' Oh no! Aaaah! Ah! Ah! Get off me!! It won't come off, it's chasing me! Look, it's not my fault! I have no idea how this thing got on my back! ''[Bad Cop changes his face to Good Cop]'' :'''Good Cop''': Of course, buddy. I believe you! :'''Emmet''': Great! ''[suddenly Bad Cop appears beside Emmet]'' ''[Screams]'' Aaaahh!! :'''Bad Cop''': I "believe" you, too. You see the quotations I'm making with my claw hands? It means I ''don't'' believe you! Why else would you show up with that thing on your back just three days before President Business is going to use the Kragle to end the world? :'''Emmet''': President Business is gonna end the world? But he's such a good guy. And Octan, they make good stuff: ''[flashback books]'' ''Music, dairy products, coffee, TV shows, surveillance systems, all history books, voting machines...'' ''[flashback ends]'' ...Wait a minute. :'''Bad Cop''': Oh no, come on, you ''can't'' be this stupid. :'''Emmet''': Look, that is a misunderstanding, I'm just a regular, normal, ordinary guy, and I'm late to meet my best friends in the whole world, and they're probably missing me right now, they're probably out looking around! ''Hey, where's Emmet? Hey, where's my best friend Emmet?'' And you know what. Ask all my friends! '''''THEY'LL TELL YOU!!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Emmet''': ''[Emmet looks devastated; to Bad Cop]'' There you go, I told you I was a nobody. :'''Bad Cop''': ''[sighs]'' Oh. ''It's the perfect cover.'' :'''Emmet''': Cover? Cover for what?! ''[chuckles]'' Oops. ''[sneezes]'' :'''Bad Cop''': Why are you sneeze? :'''Emmet''': But I am... ''[sneezes]'' Wow! That is a very sneeze? :'''Good Cop''': Of course, Bad Cop. I'm not sure gonna be meltin' devices found and guilty too. :'''Emmet''': President Business I think Taco Tuesday universe will seems third grade perhaps so takes him to the meltin' chambers and then railroad train for wild west? :'''Good Cop''': Okay, uh...I will think should somewhere. :'''Bad Cop''': I can't break him. You're Mom and Dad lies. Perhaps should orders melts. [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987 TV series)|''Take him to the meltin' chambers and do nothing.'']] :'''Emmet''': What?! ''[into the meltin' chamber Emmet has been straps to the meltin' device with the Bad Cop's face off by Robber and leaves and Wyldstyle destroys robots]'' '''''NOOOOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOOO!!''''' ''[turns to the now faceless Bad Cop] [Robber: I say we KILL Bad cop now!]'' You're going to melt me?! What's wrong with me?! Am I gonna die?! Excuse me? You strapper me. :'''Good Cop''': You'll live! You'll be fine! ''[Bad Cop/Good Cop's phone rings and draws Bad Cop with marker answers it as he switches back to his face]'' :'''Lord Business''': ''[disembodied]'' '''''EVERYONE STOP MESSING WITH MY STUFF??''''' :'''Bad Cop''': President Business, I have him right here, sir. Yes and no, we've told him he'll live so he doesn't try to escaping, but uh, we're lying to kills him. ''[Bad Cop presses the button to activate the meltin' device and Robber enters the chamber]'' :'''Robber''' (Manny the Mauler): I'll never *tell you*, Bad Cop! ''Never!'' ''[Robber kicks Bad Cop]'' :'''Bad Cop''': Who's says "never"? You're not supposed to thief. ''[sobbing]'' Are you trying to kill me?! ''[leaves the rooms]'' :'''Emmet''': No wait! What did he just say?! :'''Robot''': Hold still! :'''Emmet''': No wait, there is obviously been a ''mix-up'' here!? You have got the wrong-- Uh-oh. ''[a blue laser is shoots at Emmet's back to removes the Piece of Resistance]'' OOOOOW!! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ah-ah-ah-eh-eh-eh-oh-oh-oh! ''[Robot: Oops! Sorry, Emmet?]'' This is gonna start hurting pretty soon! ''[as the Robot starts to increase the heat while grinning menacingly, the hooded woman that Emmet had noticed in the construction site earlier appears and attacks the robots, overpowering them all down and goes to Free Emmet]'' No, no, no, nonononono... ''[Emmet closes his eyes as the hooded figure chops his shackles off.]'' ''[gasps]'' Whoa! Who are you?! ''[The figure takes off her hood to reveal her face and Emmet is transfixed again]'' It's you? :'''[[w:Wyldstyle|Wyldstyle]]''': Come with me, if you wanna not die. ''[just as Emmet goes to grab her hand, Good Cop enters the chamber with a croissant]'' :'''Good Cop''': Hi, ''everybody!'' How's the ''melting'' goi--? ''[as he notices Emmet escaping with Wyldstyle Bad Cop appears]'' :'''Bad Cop''': Hey, hey, hey, heeeeeey!! ''[he starts shooting at Emmet and Wyldstyle, laser destroys melting device]'' :'''Robber''': ''[to Bad Cop]'' '''''DO YOU SEE THE CHAMBER! KILL THEM!''''' :'''Bad Cop''': [[Toy Story|''Red alert, red alert!'']] I need everyone, repeat, everyone, to go after the ''special!'' :'''Robber''': Bad Cop! I warned you! [[The Rescuers Down Under|''You're grounded melting device entire week'']]! You're FIRED! Give me the money! :'''Bad Cop''': ''[shocked]'' Who broke my melting device!? President Business, you broke my melting device! <hr width=50%> :'''Bad Cop''': [[The Fox and the Hound|There we are! Why are you ''gets on'' my train the piece of resistance]]. :'''Wyldstyle''': Oh, no! :'''Emmet''': Oops! :'''Vitruvius''': Holy smokes, you must Lord Business so spirit is ''no'' way out and you must--. :'''Bad Cop''': [[Air Force One (film)|''Get off'' my train]]. :'''Emmet''': ''No,'' you get off my train. :'''Bad Cop''': Huh?! Why you little the Piece of Resistance. :'''Vitruvius''': Hurry up! Go, Emmet! Build the ramp! :'''Bad Cop''': Nobody gets on my train the piece of resistance. <hr width=50%> :'''Wyldstyle''': What the heck?! :'''Bad Cop''': [[Batman Begins|Rest in pieces]]. <hr width=50%> :'''Emmet''': Hey, um... :'''Wyldstyle''': Hang on, sir! ''[As they pull away, Bad Cop turns to go after them]'' :'''Bad Cop''': All units, cut them off on Elm, now! ''[suddenly his face changes to Good Cop]'' :'''Good Cop''': ''[Good Cop spins in]'' ''[gasping and chuckling]'' Or, whenever you can? :'''Robot''': ''Ten-Four, Bad Cop.'' :'''Emmet''': ''[Many squad cars block the road, as they are being chased and shut at]'' Watch out! :'''Wyldstyle''': Hold on! ''[she jumps the bike bunny hopping over one squad car and going up onto the monorail platform and onto the track, and screaming. Wyldstyle manages to avoid hitting the police cars in front of them]'' We need to meet up with ''Vitruvius'' and tell him the Piece has been found. <hr width="50%"> :'''Emmet''': Huh? :'''Bad Cop''': They're up on the monorail. Release the Copper Choppers. ''[the helicopter above them drops down a motorcycle with two cops in it, a police helicopter flies in dropping a robot on a motorcycle, both Emmet and Wyldstyle gasp, which begins to drive towards Emmet and the girl, firing a green laser as he goes, Emmet shields himself from the fire but the girl, pulls out a multi barrelled laser and returns fire, just as they were about to crash, the figure veers off leaving the robots to crash head-on with a train]'' :'''Emmet''': Oh, no! ''[causing a massive explodes, and screaming. He they start shooting at Wyldstyle and Emmet but Wyldstyle shoots back and manages to get their motorcycle onto the street below, they land safely]'' Will you please tell me what's happening? :'''Wyldstyle''': I'm rescuing you, sir. You're the one that the prophecy spoke of. You're the Special. :'''Emmet''': ''[Whispers]'' Me? <hr width=50%> :'''Bad Cop''': Darn, darn, darn, darn, darn, darn, darn, ''darny-DARN!!!!!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Bad Cop''': Thank you, sir. :'''Robber''': ''Never!'' :'''Bad Cop''': You've gonna get us killed! :'''Lord Business''': Although, you did let the Piece of Resistance go. The one thing that can ruin my plans, the one thing that I asked you to take care of! ''[Lord Business chuckles and he comes over to Bad Cop and puts one arm around his shoulder]'' That's super frustrating, it makes me just wanna pick up whoever's standing closest to me and just: '''''THROW THEM THROUGH THIS WINDOW, AND OUT INTO THE INFINITE ABYSS OF NOTHINGNESS!!!!!!!''''' ''[Bad Cop: Ouch! What?!] [he picks up Bad Cop takes him to the large glass window and bangs his head against it]'' I wanna do it so bad! ''[chuckles and Bad Cop]'' :'''Bad Cop''': ''[chuckles]'' I know you do, sir! But, please! Please, don't! ''[he throws Bad Cop aside]'' :'''Lord Business''': And it's not just you, Bad Cop, that keeps messing up my plans. People everywhere are always messing with my stuff. ''[Bad Cop: Huh?]'' But I have a way to fix that. A way to keep things exactly the way they are supposed to be permanently. ''[he turns on his TV monitor which shows his robots carrying the box containing the Kragle]'' Behold the most powerful weapon of all the relics: ''[his robots open the box containing the Kragle and take it out]'' '''THE KRAGLE!!!''' ''[we see the Kragle is in fact an old tube of Krazy Glue, Bad Cop gasping and Lord Business]'' Well, as you can see they're loading the Kragle into a big machine upstairs. I call it: ''The "Tentacle Arm Kragle Outside Sprayer"'', or ''TAKOS''! The "S" is silent. So on Taco Tuesday it's going to spray the Kragle over everyone and everything with a bunch of super scary nozzles, like this one. ''[the tentacle reaches out and comes over to Bad Cop]'' I'll show you how it works. <hr width=50%> :'''Good Cop''': No, I don't want to! :'''Bad Cop''': You have ''to''. :'''Good Cop''': I don't want to! :'''Bad Cop''': Will please be quiet?! :'''Good Cop''': I can't! :'''Bad Cop''': You've must?! :'''Good Cop''': But they-- :'''Bad Cop''': ''Shut it''! :'''Good Cop''': It's not nice! :'''Bad Cop''': It's ''your job'' man!? :'''Good Cop''': It's my job! :'''Bad Cop''': Lord Business trying to talk? :'''Good Cop''': I can't do it, they innocent!? :'''Lord Business''': Just as I thought. You're Good Cop side's making you soft, Bad Cop. Robots, bring me the fleece crested scepter of Q-teep and ''Po-Leesh Remover of Nai-eel!'' ''[the robots bring him a big Q-tip and nail polish remover and Lord Business deeps one end into the polish before turning to Bad Cop]'' You've already let the ''special'' get away once. ''[two of the robots hold Bad Cop]'' :'''Bad Cop''': Sir, ''you're never get away of this.'' :'''Lord Business''': I'm just gonna make sure it doesn't happen again, ''[the robots switch Good Cop in, one of the robots turns Bad Cop's face to Good Cop]'' '''''NO MORE MR. NICE GUY!!!''''' ''[he brings the Q-Tip onto Good Cop's face, suddenly Lord Business uses the end of the Q-tip with nail polish remover to wipe Good Cop's face off, after two scrubs back and forth, there's nothing left]'' :'''Emmet''': ''[disembodied]'' No! :'''Ma Cop''': ''[starts to weep]'' Oh, son! :'''Pa Cop''': ''[shocked]'' Son, ''no!'' :'''Lord Business''': On Taco Tuesday, I'm going to kraglize the entire universe so that [[Monsters, Inc.|'''''EVERYONE WILL STOP MESSING WITH MY STUFF??''''']] ''[turns to he now faceless Good Cop]'' :'''Bad Cop''': ''[disembodied]'' What?! Sir, I... You're *liar*! We'll ''kill'' ya! :'''Lord Business''': Are you gonna be with me or are you [[Alice in Wonderland (1951 film)|'''''GONNA BE STUCK HAVIN’ A TEA PARTY WITH YOUR MOM AND DAD??''''']] :'''Emmet''': ''[disembodied]'' Where am I? What's happening? :'''Good Cop''': ''[disembodied]'' Of course buddy. I believe you! :'''Pa Cop''': Son? :'''Bad Cop''': ''[The now faceless Good Cop stands back up, only to switch to Bad Cop]'' Sorry, Dad. [[Tomorrow Never Dies|I've a job to do]]. ''[he uses the TAKOS device to completely glue his parents, the nozzle powers up, he presses a button and the TAKOS fires completely freezing them solid]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Vitruvius''': Well, Junebug, I really prefer the word "experienced"! ''[Vitruvius attacks the robots, Master Builders cheers]'' Ha-ha! You see, Emmet, a corrupted spirit is ''no match'' for the purity of imaginat-- ''[suddenly Lord Business hits Vitruvius with a three nickels, then Batman, Wyldstyle & Emmet gasps]'' :'''Emmet''': Vitruvius! NO!! <hr width=50%> :'''Wyldstyle''': ''[to Emmet as they make their way through the saloon]'' Okay, let's find the wizard and get this over with. ''[as they make their way through, the patrons look at Emmet menacingly]'' ''[Emmet gasps, yelps] [Wyldstyle notices Vitruvius playing the piano at the saloon]'' Psst. There he is. ''[she goes over to him]'' Vitruvius. :'''Vitruvius''': Who? I've never heard of that man, whom I am not. Who are you? :'''Wyldstyle''': It's me. :'''Vitruvius''': I am a blind man, and cannot see. :'''Wyldstyle''': It's Wyldstyle. :'''Vitruvius''': Are you a DJ? ''[gasps]'' :'''Wyldstyle''': No, why does everyone...? :'''Vitiruvius''': Wait, wait, were you the student I used to have who was so insecure she kept changing her name? Yeah, first Dark Storm... Then Gemini, then there was Neversmile--- Then Freak Face... Then Snazzypants... ''[suddenly Vitruvius stops playing and turns to Wyldstyle]'' Meet me upstairs in 10-Seconds. ''[he then turns and starts to walk off using his, Vitruvius grunts as he falls and finally lands onto the ground, scepter when suddenly he bangs into the wall]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Emmet''': Step one: Alright, we need a blue two-piece unit over at the... <hr width=50%> :'''Wyldstyle''': That would be great, but ''Emmet'' is the one who found the Piece. ''[Emmet turns and waves he chuckles]'' :'''Vitruvius''': ''[gasps]'' Oh, okay. ''[turning to Emmet]'' Emmet, the prophecy states that... you're ''the special'', the most talented-- :'''Wyldstyle''': I'm not sure he's the Special, actually--''[Emmet's started chuckles]''--because he's not even a Master Builder. Watch! Emmet, just given what's around you, build something simple! <hr width=50%> :'''Emmet''': ''[Vitruvius goes over to Emmet and puts his hands against Emmet's head]'' Uh, what are you doing? ''[suddenly Vitruvius pulls off Emmet's hair revealing his Lego head]'' :'''Vitruvius''': We are entering your mind. :'''Emmet''': '''''WHAT?!?!?!''''' :'''Vitruvius''': ...to prove that you have to unlock the potential to be a Master Builder, ''ujjayi breath!'' ''[Vitruvius chants in magical language]'' ''Shut your face, a found ''The Dog''!'' ''[Vitruvius and Wyldstyle start bowing and moving around Emmet until finally we see all of them in Emmet's mind which is a vast empty space]'' :'''Emmet''': ''[echoing]'' ''Whoa, are we inside my brain right now? It's big. I must be smart.'' :'''Wyldstyle''': ''[echoing]'' ''Hmmmmm.'' :'''Vitruvius''': ''[echoing]'' ''I'm not hearing a lot of activity here.'' :'''Wyldstyle''': ''I don't think he's ever had an original thought in his life.'' :'''Emmet''': ''[chuckles]'' ''That's not true. For instance, one time I wanted to have a bunch of my friends over to watch TV.'' ''[suddenly a TV forms behind him]'' ''Not unlike this TV that just showed up magically. And not everybody could fit on my one couch.'' ''[a couch forms behind him]'' ''And I thought to myself, well, what if there’s such a thing as a bunk bed, but as a couch?'' ''[suddenly the couch forms into a double decker couch]'' ''Introducing ''the double decker couch'': So everyone could watch TV, together and be buddies!'' ''[dead silence]'' :'''Wyldstyle''': ''That's literally the dumbest thing I've ever heard.'' :'''Vitruvius''': ''Please, Wyldstyle. Lemme handle this, that idea is just the worst.'' ''[to Emmet]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Vitruvius''': This is Middle Zealand. A wondrous land full of knights, castles, muttons, torture weapons, poverty, leeches, illiteracy, and um... :'''Emmet''': ''[Out of the sun flying straight towards them is a...]'' '''''DRAGON!!!''''' ''[The Batwing takes dive as the dragon swoops down]'' :'''Vitruvius''': Yeah, that too. ''[Batman quickly turns the Batwing back into the Batmobile and lands the car into a forest area, it speeds along the track, Batman makes his aircraft transform into a car and lands on the ground and drives through the woods]'' Once we arrive in Cloud Cuckoo Land, we'll raise an army of Master Builders... :'''Batman''': Yeah, yeah, anyway. You guys gotta check out these new subwoofers I installed in the back, I call them ''The Dogs.'' Listen to them bark! ''[Batman turns on some music, sending heavy metal blasting through Emmet and Vitruvius, bouncing them and the roof of the Batmobile up and down, Emmet screams he turns on his stereo making Emmet and Vitruvius jump in the back]'' :'''Emmet''': Can you turn that down a little bit?! :'''Batman''': This is a song I wrote for Wyldstyle! ''[Wyldstyle smiles at Batman before singing with the song, we hear Batman's voice as he sings to the heavy metal music]'' ''Darkness!'' ''[to Emmet and Vitruvius]'' It's about how I'm an orphan! ''[the song continues]'' ''No parents!'' :'''Wyldstyle''': ''[Wyldstyle turns to Emmet]'' This is real music, Emmet. Batman's a true artist. Dark, brooding. :'''Emmet''': Well, I'm dark and brooding too! ''[Emmet gasps, suddenly he notices something ahead]'' Look, a rainbow! ''[as they reach the rainbow]'' :'''Vitruvius''': So, you're gonna drive up the curved part, ''['''Batman''': ''Super rich!'']'' take it all the way to the top ''['''Batman''': ''Kinda makes it better!'']'' and park the car. ''[the Batmoblie stops, Batman drives up the rainbow and stops the car at the very top]'' Friends, welcome to Cloud Cuckoo Land. ''[an angelic chord plays as the camera pans down to the group standing in front of a rather large cloud, the rainbow disappears and they are surrounded by clouds]'' Now, I just need to give the secret knock. <hr width=50%> :'''Emmet''': ''[Emmet gasps]'' Is that [[Superman]]? :'''[[Statue of Liberty]]''': Bonjour. :'''Superman''': Girl, what are you doing right now? :'''[[Green Lantern]]''': ''[appears from behind Emmet]'' Hey, Superman! :'''Superman''': Oh, hey... Hey, what's up? :'''Green Lantern''': ''[fixing his mask]'' Lantern. Green Lantern. :'''Superman''': Yeah, yeah. :'''Green Lantern''': Do you wanna sit together at the meeting? :'''Superman''': Uh, I have to, I have to go back to Krypton. ''[Superman quickly flies off]'' :'''Green Lantern''': ''[the camera pans to Vitruvius addressing the room at large]'' Did didn't Krypton blow up? :'''Vitruvius''': My fellow, Master Builders, including, but not limited to: [[Robin Hood]], Mermaid Lady, Gandalf, Swamp Creature, 1980-something Space Guy... ''['''Benny''': 'Hello!']'' ...2002 NBA All Stars and Wonder Woman. You have traveled far to be here for a moment of great import. We have learned that Lord Business plans to unleash a fully-weaponized Kragle on Taco Tuesday, to end the world as we know it. ''[the Master Builders express their shock and outrage]'' Please, calm yourselves. Green Ninja, Milhouse, Nice Vampire, [[Michelangelo]], [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles|Michelangelo]] and [[Cleopatra]]. There is yet one hope, the Special has arisen. :''[he steps aside to reveal Emmet while hushed murmurs spread around]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Superman''': ''IT DIDN'T BREAK!'' :'''Bad Cop''': Because it's Kragled. ''[to his robots]'' Machine gum! Fire! ''[they shoot at Superman with chewing gum making him splat to the ground stuck in the gum]'' :'''Superman''': ''[screams]'' I can't move. :'''Green Lantern''': Don't worry, Superman! I'll get you out of there. ''[as Green Lantern goes to rescue Superman his hands get stuck in the gum and screams]'' Oh, my gosh! My hands are stuck! ''[he wriggles his legs and those get stuck in the gum too]'' My legs are stuck as well! :'''Superman''': I super hate you. <hr width=50%> :'''Emmet''': ''[as the robots have got hold of Emmet] '''OW, YOU'RE PULLING MY TORSO OFF!!''''' :'''Wyldstyle''': Babe, help me get him out of here! :'''Batman''': I said ''every man for himself.'' :'''Wyldstyle''': Hey, you gotta be there for me. ''[Batman groans as he falls and finally lands onto the ground]'' :'''Batman''': Fine! Fine, fine, fine! ''[reluctantly he goes to her aide and fights off the robots attacking Emmet]'' Fine, fine, fine, fine! :'''Wyldstyle''': I need you to have a better attitude about it! :'''Batman''': I've a great attitude! ''[Batman gets the tracker off Emmet and throws it at one of the robots]'' :'''Bad Cop''': ''[Bad Cop picks up Emmet's tracker which is now attached to the robot]'' The Special's in the northwest quadrant, we've got him corner! ''[he looks down but all he sees is the robot with the tracker attached to his head smacking into a wall]'' Where did he go? :'''Unikitty''': Oh, no! They've hit our silly cloud stabilizer! :'''Wyldstyle''': Let's go, we need to get Emmet outta here! :'''Emmet''': Can't we build something? ''[suddenly the space guy comes over to them]'' :'''Benny''': Hey, I'm Ben! But you can call me Benny! And I can build a spaceship. Watch this. ''[he starts building a spaceship and chanting along as he works]'' ''[Benny singing] Spaceship, spaceship, spaceship, spaceship! Spaceshi--!'' :'''Wyldstyle''': No, no, no, no! You can't, the skies are surrounded. :'''Benny''': That's okay, I didn't really wanna build a spaceship. ''[Benny chuckles]'' Anyway, that's cool. ''[Groaning]'' ''[looking visibly disappointed he kicks his half built spaceship and it falls apart]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Bad Cop''': ''[the group takes the submarine towards the water as Bad Cop at his robots are chasing after them]'' Stop him, stop him! ''[suddenly the submarine goes off the edge of a cloud and plunges down]'' Don't let him get to the water! ''[as they get closer to the water]'' :''[Wyldstyle screams as he falls and finally lands onto the ground]'' :'''Wyldstyle''': Dive, dive, dive! Everybody in! We're going under! :''[A submarine splashes, the submarine plunges into the water. A chair splashes]'' :'''Bad Cop''': ''[grunts]'' :''[We hear muffled screams and we then see Cloud Cuckoo Land being destroyed by the robots and the Master Builders handcuffed and taken as prisoners]'' :'''Wonder Woman''': Oh, no. <hr width=50%> :'''Batman''': ''[he trails off hoping for any positive comments]'' You are so disappointing on so many levels. :'''Vitruvius''': Why are my pants cold and wet? ''[A shot of water rising in the sub]'' Uh... :'''Computer''': ''[a wall is breached and even more water floods in]'' ''Hull breach!'' :'''Unikitty''': The walls are crying! :'''Benny''': ''[as she tries to plug a hole]'' We're falling apart at the seams! ''[screams]'' ''[as the submarine starts to fall apart]'' :'''Batman''': This is not how Batman dies! :''[Emmet screams, as the submarine fills with water Emmet starts to drown. Wyldstyle reaches for him]'' :'''Wyldstyle''': '''Emmet!''' Hold on, hold on! :'''Emmet''': '''Wyldstyle!''' :''[the shot goes to outside the sub, red lights coming from the windows as it goes through the water as an alarm beeps faster and faster signalling a detonation]'' :'''Wyldstyle''': '''Deep breath!''' ''[gasps]'' '''Deep breath, everybod--!!''' :''[the sub explodes, the camera follows a floating piece of debris to the surface]'' :''[where Bad Cop and a few Micro Managers are looking around]'' :'''Bad Cop''': Micro-Managers, what's going on down there? :'''Micro-Manager''': ''Scanning submarine wreckage. No survivors detected.'' :'''Bad Cop''': Scuba Cops? Dredge the entire ocean if you have to, we've go to find that piece, ''[Scuba Cops dive in the water to begin their search]'' let's get these prisoners back to Lord Business and give him the good news: "the Special is no more"! ''[they all depart from the wreckage]'' :'''Bank Robber''': That's it, you're Bad Cop's face off right now! I'll never tell you again! <hr width=50%> :'''Emmet''': Okay. :''[Emmet walks up to the platform and waves to everyone. Clears his throat]'' Hello, I'm Emmet. [referring to the Piece of Resistance] Oh, and this is the Piece of Resistance. :''[the Master Builders cheer. Wyldstyle watches in bewilderment]'' :'''Emmet''': Thank you. Well, eeeeehhhh. I know that I for one am very excited to work with you guys, to get into the Octan Tower, find the Kragle and put this thing on the thing, and I know it's going to be really hard, but... ''[suddenly gets interrupted by another Master Builder]'' :'''Metalbeard''': <big>'''REALLY HARD?!'''</big> ''[the audience gasps]'' Wiping ye bum with a hook for a hand is really hard, this be impossible! The last time we tried to storm Lord Business's office, we used every plan we could conceive, the result was a massacre too terrible to speak of. :'''Emmet''': Who are you? :'''Metalbeard''': The name be Metal Beard, and I'll tell you me tale of woe. :'''Vitruvius''': Oh, great. Here we go again. [Metal Beard recounts his failed attempt in trying to infiltrate Lord Business's office] :'''Metalbeard''': I arrived at the foot of the tower with me hearty Master Builder crew, only to find the Kragle was all the way up on the infinitieth floor guarded by a robot army. And security measures of every kind imaginable, lasers, sharks, laser sharks, overbearing assistants, and strange dangerous relics that entrap, snap and zap. And there be a mysterious room called "The Think Tank." I barely made it out of that room with just me head... [Metalbeard hops out of the tower with his head and escapes on his ship as it purrs away] ...and organs! [Metalbeard's organs pop out of the Octan tower and land in his ship and it purrs away again] :'''Emmet''': ''[disturbed]'' Okay. :'''Metalbeard''': I had to replace every part of my once strapping virile pirate body with this useless hunk of garbage ye see before ye. ''[to Emmet]'' So if ye think it'd be a good idea to return to that foresaken place, Special, what idea have ye that be better than the ideas of-100-of our fallen Master Builder brothers? :'''Emmet''': Well, technically I'm not exactly a Master Builder yet. :'''Metalbeard''': <big>'''WHAT?!'''</big> ''[the other Master Builders shout in outrage]'' :'''Emmet''': Please, everyone, everyone! please. :'''[[William Shakespeare]]''': ''[throws a pizza]'' Rubbish! :'''Emmet''': [addressing the Master Builders] Yes, it's true, I may not be a Master Builder, I may not have a lot of experience fighting or leading or coming up with plans, or having ideas in general, in fact, I'm not all that smart, and I'm not what you'd call a creative type, plus, generally unskilled, also, scared and cowardly, I know what, you're thinking? "He is the least qualified person in the world to lead us!" And, you are right! :'''Swamp Creature''': This is supposed to make us feel better? :'''Emmet''': What th-? No, there was about to be a but... :'''Gandalf''': You're a butt! :'''Dumbledore''': Yes. :''[Outside Cloud Cuckoo Land, Metalbeard and a few knights and cowboys are leaving]'' :'''Metalbeard''': You all be on your own! I be leaving this lost cause! [Metalbeard jumps onto his ship and sails off Cuckoo Land, as it purrs] :'''Emmet''': Why are you leaving?! :'''[[Abraham Lincoln]]''': A house divided against itself would be better than this. [Lincoln jumps into his seat and it suddenly takes off like a spaceship] :'''Emmet''': Abraham Lincoln, you bring your space chair right back here! Come on, guys! [nearly gets hit by a falling object] We can still do this! [another Master Builder throws a blue disc at him] Oh! Right? :'''Master Builder 1''': You're not even a bit special. [Wyldstyle, Batman and Unikitty sadly watch] :'''Batman''': [Batman whispering to Wyldstyle as they watch Emmet] Well, you were right about him being a ding-dong. [the Master Builders continue to jeer and throw things at Emmet] :'''Master Builder 2''': You're a huge disappointment! [Emmet, sad and disappointed, turns and starts walking off] '''Master Builder 3''': Get him out of here, I don't wanna look at him! :'''Emmet''': Well, at least it can't get any worse. :Master Builder 4''': Special? Not! :''[A giant golf ball suddenly falls out of nowhere, destroying the Dog]'': :'''Emmet''': I was wrong. :''[Emmet yells and runs away as the falling ball falls onto the ground, goes through the eye of the dog and squishes an Island Warrior Master Builder]'' :'''Superman''': It's the orb of ''Tee-te-list''. <hr width=50%> :'''Superman''': All the Master Builders you've captured over the years, you brought them here! :'''Lord Business''': You're a very perceptive person, Superman, they come up with all the instructions for everything in the universe: '''ROBOTS!''', ''Beep'' ''[the robots strap a device to Superman's head]'' :'''Superman''': ''No, no!'' ''[groans] [screaming]'' NO!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! ''[shudders, then his chair shoots up to the top]'' Can't get much worse than this. <hr width=50%> :''[Benny chuckles and we see the double decker couch floating on the sea and suddenly Emmet and the others pop out of their hiding place from under the flip up seats]'' :'''Vitruvius''': Well, we're still alive. :'''Unikitty''': '''''YEAH!!!''''' :'''Wyldstyle''': ''[gasps]'' The double decker couch! It wasn't totally pointless after all! :'''Benny''': ''[to Emmet]'' It's the one thing that stayed together. :'''Vitruvius''': I always believed in you, Emmet. :'''Batman''': I don't mean to spoil the party, but does anyone else notice we're stuck in the middle of the ocean on this couch? I mean, it's not like a big gigantic ship is just gonna come out of nowhere and save us. ''[suddenly a big gigantic ship becomes visible as it comes over to them]'' My, gosh! <hr width=50%> :'''Batman''': Well, it's kind of hard not to hear when you're yelling everything. :'''Unikitty''': ''[laughs]'' So, why did you come back? :'''Metalbeard''': This bedoubled land couch. ''[Everyone turns to look at Emmet's double decker couch]'' I watched Lord Business's forces completely overlook it. Which means we need more ideas like it! <hr width=50%> :'''Emmet''': What's the last thing Lord Business would expect Master Builders to do? :'''Benny''': Build a spaceship? :'''Vitruvius''': Kill a chicken? :'''Unikitty''': Marry a marshmallow! :'''Metalbeard''': Why, this. ''[changes into a singing face: ♪Hum hum hum How ya gonna keep them down at the farm?♪♪]'' :'''Emmet''': No! It's follow the instructions. :''[Everybody groans and complains]'' :'''Benny''': Don't like that. :'''Unikitty''': Sounds weird. :'''Emmet''': No, wait guys. Listen. You guys are so talented and imaginative... but you can't work as a team. I'm just a construction worker, but when I have a plan and we were working together, we could build a skyscraper. Now you guys are Master Builders. Just imagine what you could do if you did that! ...You could save the universe! :'''Vitruvius''': Well said, Emmet. Well said. :'''Emmet''': Really? :'''Metalbeard''': She be a fine speech there, laddie. :'''Emmet''': Okay. Somebody get me some markers... some construction paper... and some GLITTER GLUE!!! ''[Emmet stands in front of the instructions he's drawn]'' ''I call this, ''Emmet's plan to get inside the tower, put the Piece of Resistance on the Kragle and save the world'', I've built a hundred just like them back in the city, if we could just get in there, I know where all the air ducts and wiring are located, I can get us anywhere.'' :'''Vitruvius''': How will we get inside? :'''Emmet''': ''[Whispers]'' In a spaceship! :'''Benny''': '''SPACESHIP!''' ''[Benny chuckles and rushes off excitedly to build a spaceship]'' :'''Batman''': Great idea, a Bat spaceship. :'''Emmet''': No, they're expecting us to show up in a Bat spaceship, or a pirate spaceship, or a rainbow sparkled spaceship. <hr width="50%"> :'''Wylstyle''': Bad Cop? :'''Bad Cop''': I hope there's still a Good Cop in me somewhere. ''[draw a new face for Good Cop with a red marker]'' :'''Scribble Cop''': I'll hold these guys off. You go stop 'em. Yay! <hr width=50%> :'''Emmet''': You... don't have to be... the bad guy. You are the most talented... most interesting... and extraordinary person in the universe. And you are capable of amazing things, because you are the Special. :''[Lord Business looks shocked and lowers the Kragle]'' :'''Emmet''': And so am I, and so is everyone, the prophecy is made up, but it's also true, it's about all of us, right now, it's about you, and you, still, can change everything. :''[he holds up the Piece of Resistance. Business, touched by Emmet's speech drops the Kragle and starts walking over to him. Cut to the real world where Finn's father approaches his son, kneels down and hugs Finn, at the same time in Lego world, we see Lord Business is hugging Emmet.]'' :'''Emmet''': Oh, we got a hugger. ''[Emmet hands the Piece of Resistance to Lord Business]'' Be careful, I have been told... it might explode. :''[Lord Business winks at Emmet, makes his way to the Kragle, in the real world Finn's father places the lid on the Krazy Glue, at the same time Lord Business places the Piece of Resistance on to the Kragle and into the TAKO device]'' :'''Lord Business''': ''[strains, exhales deeply]'' Emmet, thank you. And I just want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, from this moment forward, I solemnly promise that I will never-- :'''Emmet''': ''[screaming]'' :''[suddenly the Kragle explodes causing all the micro-managers and nozzles to de-activate. Emmet lands in the middle of the city where his friends are.]'' :'''Benny''': '''''EMMET!''''' :'''Metalbeard''': '''''Emmet, arr!''''' :'''Emmet''': ''[Chuckling]'' Hey, everyone! Is everyone, okay. Where's Lucy? ''[Unikitty laughs, as the micro-managers fall down]'' ''[Wyldstyle comes up from under a micro-manager]'' :'''Wyldstyle''': Emmet! :'''Emmet''': Lucy! ''[Emmet rushes over to her and Wyldstyle jumps into his arms]'' :'''Wyldstyle''': We did it! ''[Unikitty laughs]'' ''[Batman clears throat. Just as Emmet and Wyldstyle are about to hold hands Batman interrupts them]'' ''[Emmet gasps]'' Oh, eeehhh. Emmet, wait, Batman, there's something I need to say to you! :'''Batman''': No, Wyldstyle. I mean, Lucy! ''[he points to Emmet]'' He's the hero you deserve! :'''Wyldstyle''': ''[Wyldstyle smiles and Emmet looks behind him to see who Batman was pointing at]'' Thanks, Batman! :'''Unikitty''': ''[giggles]'' :''[Wyldstyle turns Emmet's face towards her and they finally hold hands as everyone cheers for them. We see Vitruvius's ghostly form hovering over the city watching them]'' :'''Vitruvius''': ''[breaking the fourth wall]'' I liked Emmet ''before'' he was cool. ''[we see Business is pouring an antidote to unstick everybody]'' :'''President Business''': Whoops! I have the antidote for the Kragle! How did that happen :''[at the same time in the real world Finn's father is pouring glue remover all over the Lego pieces as Finn watches]'' :'''Finn''': ''De-kragler!'' :'''The Man Upstairs''': Watch this. YEAH! ''[as Finn's father pours glue remover onto Pa and Ma Cop Finn reunites Bad Cop with his parents]'' :'''Finn''': Oh, Mommy, Daddy, you're okay! :''[scene changes to Bad Cop reunited with his parents]'' :'''Ma Cop''': ''[Ma Cop chuckles]'' Oh, son! ''[Bad Cop who's now using his drawn on Good Cop face hugs his parents]'' :'''Good Cop''': Hi, Mom, hi, Dad. :'''Pa Cop''': ''[chuckles]'' We're okay, son. ''[Pa Cop chuckles, in the real world as Finn and his father are playing with the Lego pieces Mom calls out]'' :'''Mom''': ''[calls out]'' Hey, guys? Time to come up for dinner! It’s Taco Tuesday, your favorite! :'''The Man Upstairs''': Okay, honey, well, be up in a sec. :'''Finn''': Oh, yeah, we'll be up in a sec! :'''The Man Upstairs''': I got to tell you something. :'''Finn''': What? :'''The Man Upstairs''': Now that I'm letting you come down here and play, guess who else gets to come down here and play? :'''Finn''': Who? :'''The Man Upstairs''': Your sister. :'''Finn''': ''[surprised]'' What? :''[last lines; as everyone Emmet and the gang are having a feast on the Double-Decker couch]'' :'''Emmet''': We'll things sure have a way of working out smoothly. Am I right, guys? ''[suddenly an alien spaceship hovers above them]'' Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat...? :''[a trio of [[w:Duplo|Duplo]] alien figures descend into the Lego world]'' :'''Duplo''': ''[Baby voice]'' ''Well, we're from the planet Duplon, and we're here to destroy you.'' :'''Emmet''': ... Oh, man. ''[End of The Lego Movie]'' == Cast == * [[w:Chris Pratt|Chris Pratt]] as Emmet Brickowski * [[Will Ferrell]] as President Business/Lord Business/The Man Upstairs (Finn's Father) * [[w:Elizabeth Banks|Elizabeth Banks]] as Wyldstyle/Lucy * [[Will Arnett]] as [[w:Batman|Lego Batman]] * [[w:Nick Offerman|Nick Offerman]] as Metal Beard * [[w:Alison Brie|Alison Brie]] as Princess Unikitty * [[w:Charlie Day|Charlie Day]] as Benny * [[w:Liam Neeson|Liam Neeson]] as Bad Cop/Good Cop/Pa Cop * [[w:Michael Bell|Michael Bell]] as Robber (2022 release by Universal Pictures) * [[Morgan Freeman]] as Vitruvius * [[w:Jadon Sand|Jadon Sand]] as Finn * [[w:Melissa Sturm|Melissa Sturm]] as Gail/Ma Cop * [[Anthony Daniels]] as [[w:C-3PO|C-3PO]] * [[Shaquille O'Neal|Shaquille O'Neal as himself]] * [[Jake Johnson]] as Barry * [[w:Robbie Daymond|Robbie Daymond]] as Randy (Uncredited) * [[w:David Franco|Dave Franco]] as Wally * [[w:Keegan-Michael Key|Keegan-Michael Key]] as Foreman Jim * [[w:Will Forte|Will Forte]] as [[Abraham Lincoln|Lego Abraham Lincoln]] * [[w:Jorma Taccone|Jorma Taccone]] as [[William Shakespeare|Lego William Shakespeare]]/Sheriff Not a Robot * [[w:David Burrows|David Burrows]] as Octan Robot and Super Secret Police Robots * [[w:Chris Romano|Chris Romano]] as [[w:Plumber|Plumber]] Joe * [[w:Amanda Farinos|Amanda Farinos]] as Mom * [[w:Chris McKay|Chris McKay]] as Larry the [[w:Barista|Barista]] * [[w:Todd Hansen|Todd Hansen]] as [[w:Gandalf|Gandalf]]/Swamp Creature * [[w:Doug Nicholas|Doug Nicholas]] as [[w:Surfer|Surfer]] Dave/Micro Managers * [[w:Chris Paluszek|Chris Paluszek]] as [[w:Robot|Robot]] [[w:Foreman|Foreman]] * [[w:Kelly Lafferty|Kelly Lafferty]] as Lord Business' Assistant * [[w:Graham Miller|Graham Miller]] as Lego [[w:Duplo|Duplo]] * [[w:Leiki Veskimets|Leiki-Veskimets]] as Octan [[w:Computer|Computer]] * [[w:Phil Lord and Chris Miller|Chris Miller]] as [[w:TV Presenter|TV Presenter]] == Release date == {| class="wikitable" ! Laser Pointer !! No. !! Studio !! co-released it with Warner Bros. Pictures<br>and Warner Animation Group |- | Violet (Purple) || 5-piece || Amazon Studios (August 29, 2026)<br>Paramount+ (April 2027)<br>Paramount || May 19, 2015 (DVD/Blu-ray/Blu-ray 3D)<br>May 24, 2016 (4K Ultra HD Blu-ray) |- | Brown || 6-piece || Starz/Anchor Bay || December 1, 2015 |- | Yellow || 1-piece || Sony Wonder (April 2025)<br>Amazon Studios (July 2028)<br>Columbia Pictures<br>Sony Pictures Animation || August 2, 2016 |- | Black || 7-piece || Shout Factory || November 1, 2016 |- | Gray || 11-piece || Lionsgate in association with<br>Artisan's Family Home Entertainment || October 17, 2017 |- | White || 10-piece || Kino Lorber || January 2, 2018 |- | Green || 3-piece || Disney+ (May 2027)<br>Disney/Pixar (November 2025)<br>Hulu (September 2029)<br>20th Century Fox<br>Blue Sky Studios || March 13, 2018<br>April 11, 2023 (Disney Movie Club) |- | Pink || 9-piece || MGM/United Artists Releasing || August 6, 2019 |- | Orange || 8-piece || A24 || December 22, 2020 |- | Blue || 2-piece || Peacock TV (December 2026)<br>Universal Pictures || September 20, 2022 (Studio Distribution Services) |- | Gold || 12-piece || PBS || November 14, 2023 |- | Aqua Blue || 13-piece || Orion Studios || July 9, 2024 |- | Silver || 14-piece || Netflix/Netflix Animation || November 4, 2025 |} == External links == * {{imdb title| id=1490017| title=The Lego Movie }} {{DEFAULTSORT:LEGO Movie, The}} {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2014 films]] [[Category:2010s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]] [[Category:American children's animated science fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated superhero films]] [[Category:Dystopian films]] [[Category:Films based on toys]] [[Category:The Lego Movie]] [[Category:American films with live action and animation]] t5is6peubkr6nytuttmbg89cxdmplbr 0 160070 3157876 3157593 2022-08-25T16:29:23Z Ijs89000 3124205 /* The Simpsons Guy */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[Family Guy]]''''' is an animated television series created by [[Seth MacFarlane]] for [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|FOX]] in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]], production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005. :'' ''Family Guy'' and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the'' Wikimedia Foundation ''Do NOT ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, ''The Wikimedia Foundation,'' have any affiliation with 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape or form.'' :''Please read [[Family Guy/Format]] for notes on how to use and edit this article.'' ===''[[w:The Simpsons Guy|The Simpsons Guy]]''=== :'''Brian''': Looks like we're in a town called "Springfield". :'''Stewie''': Springfield, eh? What state? :'''Brian''': I can't imagine we're allowed to say. <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Oh, this Springfield place looks nice. We should visit here again. :'''Brian''': I dunno, Lois. This seems like a one-shot deal. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Don't drink the water. Everyone around here looks like they have hepatitis. <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Thank you so much for putting us up until we find our car. :'''Marge''': And thank ''you'' for not being a band of hippie murderers. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': ''[to Apu]'' Hello, funny-sounding Cleveland! <hr width=50%> :'''Homer''': Apu, a dozen donuts for our albino visitors. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Mmm. Yummy. Donut. :'''Homer''': That's pretty good, but try it like this. Mmm...donut... :'''Peter''': Mmm... donut... :'''Homer''': I think you and I are gonna get along just okay. <hr width=50%> :'''Bart''': Eat my shorts! :'''Stewie''': "Eat my shorts." I love that! Is that a popular expression like "What the deuce"? :'''Brian''': Probably more popular. <hr width=50%> :'''Moe''': Moe's Tavern, Moe speakin'. :'''Bart''': Uh, yeah, I'm looking for a friend, last name Kebum, the first name Lee. :'''Moe''': Eh, hang on, I'll check. Uh, hey, guys, do I get a Lee Kebum? C'mon, look at the stools. Is there a Lee Kebum? Somebody check the rear, I know I have a Lee Kebun. :'''Barney''': Then you probably shouldn't be handling food! <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': Hello, Moe? Your sister's bein' raped! <hr width=50%> :'''Bob Belcher''': Yeah, we did it! :'''Homer''': What's he doing here? :'''Peter''': Oh, we gotta carry him 'cause he can't fly alone. We let that other guy try and look at what happened. :'''Cleveland''': No, no, no, no, no, NO!!! <hr width=50%> :''[after Homer drinks some Pawtucket Patriot Ale]'' :'''Peter''': That's pretty good, right? :'''Homer''': No. :'''Peter''': Huh? :'''Homer''': It's not good. This beer tastes exactly like Duff. It's just a lousy ripoff! :'''Peter''': Hey, whoa whoa whoa! It's not a ripoff of Duff! It may have been ''inspired'' by Duff, but I...I like to think it goes in a different direction. :'''Homer''': No, this is just the same as Duff, but, like, worse! :'''Peter''': Hey, come on, now, this is my favorite beer you're talking about! Hell, I work for the company. It's my livelihood! :'''Moe''': ''[takes the beer]'' Oh, yeah? Well, your livelihood is based on fraud. Look at this. ''[Rips off the Pawtucket Patriot Ale label, revealing the Duff Beer label underneath]'' Huh?! :'''Homer''': ''[gasps]'' IT IS DUFF!!! Your beer is in big trouble! You can't just slap a new label on something and call it your own! :'''Peter''': Well, maybe Duff should be in trouble for, you know, not being that great. :'''Homer''': ''[gasps]'' Duff is an ICON!!! :'''Peter''': Yeah, but some folks prefer Pawtucket Pat. I mean, don't get me wrong. I used to love Duff when I was younger, but, I haven't even had it in 13 years. :''[Blue Haired Lawyer appears]'' :'''Blue Haired Lawyer''': Be that as it may, I represent the Duff Brewery. And you sir, as a representative of Pawtucket Patriot Ale, are being sued for intellectual theft and patent infringement. :'''Homer''': Ah ha!! Intellectual infringement. What do you have to say about that Griffin!?! :'''Peter''': D'oh!!! <hr width=50%> :'''Judge''': I've heard all I need to hear to make a decision. ''[The camera switches to the judge, who is revealed to be Fred Flintstone]'' :'''Fred Flintstone''': If you ask me, neither of these beers is wholly original. They're both pale imitations of my favorite beer, Bud Rock. :'''Peter''': Oh-ho-ho! :'''Homer''': Ooh! :'''Fred Flintstone''': But rendering a verdict is something I'm paid to YABBA DABBA DOOOOO!!!!! :'''Homer and Peter''': Eh. :'''Fred Flintstone''': And I find in favor of Duff!!! :'''Lois''': Oh, no!!!! :'''Meg''': Oh, no!!! :'''Peter''': Oh, no!!! :''[Peter and Lois look towards a nearby wall, expecting the Kool-Aid guy to crash through the wall and say "Oh, Yeah!". Suddenly, Peter's cellphone starts ringing.]'' :'''Peter''': ''[Answers his cellphone]'' Hello. :''[Scene shifts to the Kool-Aid guy, who has crashed through the wall of a courthouse in a different Springfield]'' :'''Kool-Aid Guy''': Uh, hey. I'm... I'm in the wrong Springfield. <hr width=50%> :'''Homer''': Hey, knock it off! There's a kid back there! :'''Ralph''': Heh-heh, I'm in danger. <hr width=50%> :'''Krusty''': Remember, kids. TV violence is fine as long as you don't show a nipple. <hr width=50%> :'''Kodos''': Perfect, the Earthlings are destroying themselves. :'''Roger''': Yeah, it's great, isn't it, guys? ''[to the camera]'' We went to summer camp together. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': It appears that I am now the only one with radioactive powers, which will allow me to unleash my fury... ''[the radioactivity wears off]'' Oh, I talked too long. <hr width=50%> :''[Homer attempts to choke Peter]'' :'''Peter''': Ow! What the hell? That hurts! :'''Homer''': No, it doesn't! I do it to my son all the time! :'''Peter''': You strangle your son? That's insane! No wonder he's fat and stupid and masturbates all the time! :'''Homer''': That's [[w:Chris Griffin|your]] son! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': ''[Homer throws multiple Emmys at Peter, who dodges them]'' Hey, that's not fair! I don't have any of them! <hr width=50%> :''[the spaceship jumps over Springfield Gorge]'' :'''Peter''': We're gonna make it! :'''Homer''': Trust me, we're not. <hr width=50%> :''[Homer is trying to kill Peter]'' :'''Homer''': Say "hi" to '''[[w:Maude Flanders|Maude Flanders]]'''! :'''Peter''': No, you say "hi" to '''Muriel Goldman'''! :'''Homer''': Who? :''[Peter's running, and finally, the spaceship falls to Homer]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Comic Book Guy''': Worst chicken fight ever. ===''[[w:The Book of Joe|The Book of Joe]]''=== :'''Brian''': Could you close the gate? A couple o' calves got loose. Pow! <hr width=50%> :'''Parent''': You're awful! :'''Peter''': Applause is customary. ===''[[w:Baking Bad|Baking Bad]]''=== :''[following a tricycle-Big Wheel accident]'' :'''Boy''': We should probably exchange numbers. :'''Stewie''': Okay, I'm a 10, you're a 4. <hr width=50%> :'''Tom Tucker''': Coming up: Local newsman shows a camera operator how to center a shot. <hr width=50%> :'''Mosquito''': Hi, I'm the new nurse. :'''Lois''': Get outta here. The blood's not for you. :'''Mosquito''': Aww. Oh, look, an empty tire with some water in it. All right, I'm happy again. ===''[[w:Brian the Closer|Brian the Closer]]''=== :''[Brian is reluctantly showing Bonnie a house]'' :'''Brian''': Bonnie, I still don't get why you want to see this house. The foundation is totally out of whack. I mean, the whole house is slanting down to that cliff over there. :'''Bonnie''': Uh-huh. Can you open the sliding door? ''[Brian complies as Bonnie releases a wheelchair with a large bag of potatoes acting as weight. The wheelchair rolls easily through the door and smashes on the rocks below the cliff]'' I'll take it. <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Now remember, Brian's very self-conscious about how he looks, so let's try to be supportive. Brian. Dinner. ===''[[w:Turkey Guys|Turkey Guys]]''=== :'''Lois''': Peter, we have people coming over and they're expecting a turkey! :'''Peter''': If they're expecting a turkey, I'll just put on ''[[Evan Almighty]]''! Zap! <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Chris, are Brian and your father back yet? :'''Chris''': No, and why are you saying the dog's name before Dad's? :'''Stewie''': It's weird. Y...yeah, you're right, that is weird. <hr width=50%> :''[Lois and Joe watch Kevin and his little person girlfriend have sex outside]'' :'''Lois''': Oh, my God, it looks like he's chalking up a pool cue! <hr width=50%> :''[Peter and Brian are listening to "Meet Virginia" by [[w:Train (band)|Train]] on the radio in Brian's car]'' :'''Peter''': Brian, I love Train. :'''Brian''': I fucking love Train. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter has saved the Thanksgiving turkey from the bottom of a lake, while Brian has just got out of the water by himself]'' :'''Brian''': Peter, what the hell? You chose a turkey over me? I almost died! :'''Peter''': I swear to God, I thought dogs could breathe underwater. ===''[[w:The 2000-Year-Old Virgin|The 2000-Year-Old Virgin]]''=== :'''Joe''': Hey, do you think if I let Jesus sleep with Bonnie, he'd give me back the use of my legs? :'''Peter''': Joe, I don't speak for Jesus, I just get him trim. <hr width=“50%”/> :'''Jesus''': Lois, it seems like you learned the lesson I intended. :'''Peter''': What lesson? :'''Jesus''': Oh, you know, uh... That... this holiest of days is about... uh... appreciating our loved ones and, uh... resisting temptation. :'''Lois''': Oh, so it was a test. Like when your Father told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. :'''Jesus''': Yes, that! That’s exactly right. Uh, well... I can see my work here is done... :'''Peter''': Well taught, Jesus. Well taught. :'''Jesus''': Yeah, I guess, who cares, I’m not even real. Merry Christmas. ===''[[w:Stewie, Chris, & Brian's Excellent Adventure|Stewie, Chris, & Brian's Excellent Adventure]]''=== :'''Rupert''': Hey, everybody, just so you know, I'm straight! <hr width=50%> :'''1st German Soldier''': Heil Hooters! :'''Otto''': Careful, it might be a "booby-trap". <hr width=50%> :''[observing the Titanic sinking firsthand]'' :'''Chris''': This would make a great movie. ===''[[w:Our Idiot Brian|Our Idiot Brian]]''=== :'''Brian''': I mean I was having fun, making new friends, getting laid all the time, sleeping like a rock, but you made the call. You unilaterally decided I was better off a bitter alcoholic failure who could only hang out with a baby. :'''Stewie''': Hey! We have fun. <hr width=50%> :'''Ruth''': Your mom's so fucking hot! <hr width=50%> :'''Brian''': ''[repeated line, after Stewie has tried to make him cultured after visiting the [[opera]], going to [[yoga]] and to a fancy [[Restaurant|restaurant]]]'' This isn't the [[w:Kenny Chesney|Kenny Chesney]] concert! ===''[[w:This Little Piggy (Family Guy)|This Little Piggy]]''=== :''[Cassandra leads Brian and Stewie back to her tent for a three-way]'' :'''Stewie''': Alright, let's lay some ground rules here. You take her left side, I'll take her right. :'''Brian''': What? Uh, how about top and bottom or front and back? :'''Stewie''': How about I take head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes? :'''Brian''': Okay, you can have those. :'''Stewie''': You just gave away the store mister. <hr width=50%?> :'''Dr. Finklestein''': ''[discovers cash in the dead man's billfold]'' It's a five! A five! <hr width=50%?> :'''Meg''': All right. See you later. :'''Lois''': Where are you off to? :'''Meg''': Actually, I met a photographer at Stewie's school yesterday, and he wants me to model for him. :''[Peter pulls his ears to rip them off, and they come out when he does, causing blood to come out]'' :'''Peter''': ''[showing his ears he ripped off to Lois]'' Lois, please send these back to the factory. I believe they're defective. :'''Lois''': Oh my God, Peter, did you just rip your own ears off? :'''Peter''': It was the easiest way to let her know the news was ridiculous. ''[Collapses]'' ===''[[w:Quagmire's Mom|Quagmire's Mom]]''=== :'''Stewie''': ''[whispering to Brian]'' Dairy Queen closes in ten minutes. <hr width=50%> :'''Judge''': I have no choice but to sentence you to 20 years in prison! :''[Judge bangs his gavel, everyone gasps]'' :'''Female Voice''': Oh no you don't! :''[everyone looks to the courtroom to discover an elderly woman at the door]'' :'''Quagmire''': Mom? :'''All the men in the courtroom''': Crystal? <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': ''[singing through microphone after waiting really long about throwing up in the sink]'' ''Out here in the fields…'' You know, that was me. I was the one who threw up in the sink. ===''[[w:Encyclopedia Griffin|Encyclopedia Griffin]]''=== :'''Lois''': Peter, are you just trying to take a knee until the end of the show? Peter, that's not gonna work, you can't just... <hr width=50%> :'''Chris''': It's made of Skittles! You want to eat the baby together on the way home? :'''Lois''': Yeah, I'd like that. ===''Stewie Is Enceinte''=== :'''Peter''': Now, what are the ingredients to a viral internet video? :'''Joe''': Cats. <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': I have a such craving for burgers. It's like my body is just craving red meat, and mint chip ice cream and only mint chip. Any other ice creams makes me want to puke. Is that weird? :'''Brian''': Yes, Stewie. That's the one weird thing in all this. <hr width=50%> :'''[[Adam West]]''': ''[observing Stewie giving birth in Brian's car]'' Mazel tov! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Remember how everyone liked that video of the [[wikipedia:Monkey|monkey]] performing a sex act on that [[wikipedia:Frog|frog]] at the zoo? :'''Joe''': You mean ''that'' frog? :'''Peter''': What? :'''Joe''': The frog in the miniskirt putting a quarter in the jukebox. ''[A female frog in a blonde wig and crop top puts a quarter in the jukebox and starts dancing seductively to [[wikipedia:Bon Jovi|Bon Jovi]]'s [[wikipedia:You Give Love A Bad Name (song)|You Give Love A Bad Name]] while a group of male monkeys look on]'' :'''Peter''': ''[filming on his phone]'' Bingo. :'''Joe''': ''[with a worried expression]'' I'm concerned that frog's in more danger than she realizes. ===''Dr. C and the Women''=== :''[Peter takes Lois golfing]'' :'''Lois''': So...so what do I do? Just aim for the pond? :'''Peter''': No, you're not supposed to hit it into the water. :'''Lois''': But you hit it into the water. :'''Peter''': ''[exasperated]'' I know I hit it into the water. :'''Lois''': But why do they even have water if you're not supposed to hit it there? :'''Peter''': BECAUSE IT'S FUN! WE'RE HAVING FUN! ''[growling in frustration, he furiously throws his bag of clubs]'' :'''Lois''': Look! It went further than your ball! <hr width=50%> :''[Lois and Cleveland finish a therapy session and return to the lobby where Peter is waiting]'' :'''Peter''': Get all of her squawking out, doc? :'''Cleveland''': Oh, I think we got to the root of the problem. Didn't we, Lois? :'''Lois''': Absolutely. :'''Peter''': Alright! Let's dope her up good. Turn that mouth off. <hr width=50%> :'''TSA Agent''': There you are. Listen up, Meg. This TSA isn't sweaty enough for the two of us. :'''Meg''': What? What does that even mean? :'''TSA Agent''': It means stay away from Larry. I'm his girlfriend. :'''Meg''': You are? Oh, my God, I thought you were a boy. <hr width=50%> ''[Outback Steakhouse Extreme commercial]'' :'''Announcer''': Hey! Are you a big fat bastard who loves eating at an outback steakhouse but thinks the portions are too small? Well, good news, fatass! 'Cause now there's the Outback Steakhouse Extreme! We don't have a blooming onion, we have a blooming...''[squish!]'' pumpkin! You know what else we've got? ''[crash!]'' Elephant steaks! Fifty-pound elephant steaks! And why don't you wash it down out with forty ounces of malt liquor and ranch dressing, ya fat fuck? Outback Steakhouse Extreme: PUNISH YOUR TOILET! ===''#JOLO''=== :'''Joe''': Peter, be careful up there. :''[Peter flips Joe the bird]'' :'''Peter''': Is this being careful enough, Joe? <hr width=50%> :''[Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland are being swept towards the American Falls, one of the three waterfalls making up Niagara Falls]'' :'''Peter''': ''[to Quagmire and Cleveland]'' Guys, keep swallowing water. We'll drink our way out of this! ===''Once Bitten''=== :'''TV Announcer: We now return to yet another lndiana Jones movie. :'''Man''': (hisses) Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes? :'''Snake''': Elderly potheads. Why did it have to be elderly potheads? :'''Brian''': Is everyone warm in here? Is it warm? :'''Lois''': Brian, are you feeling all right? :'''Brian''': Yeah, I'm fine. It just seems kind of... (retching loudly) :'''Lois''': Oh, my God! :'''Peter''': Oh, Lois, your dog threw up. :'''Lois''': Peter, Brian's clearly not feeling well. You got to take him to the vet. :'''Meg''': Unbelievable! Brian throws up once, and you rush him to the vet. I was throwing up all night last night. :'''Peter''': Good start. Keep it up, snack pack. :'''Brian''': (chuckles) (retching loudly) :'''Lois''': Peter, you got to take him now! :'''Brian''': Lois, it's probably just something I ate. I'm fine. Really. I got more energy than a cruise ship conga line. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Alright, Brian, it's time for you to take one of these pills from the vet. :'''Brian''': Uh, yeah, right. Can we do what we normally where we normally roll it up in a piece of cheese like you're fooling me? :'''Peter''': Yeah, I guess. <hr width=50%> :'''Brian''': Peter, get away from my ass! <hr width=50%> :'''Neil''': ''[to Meg sadly]'' I'm sorry, but my friendship with Chris, is more important. :'''Meg''': You're a JERK, Neil! ''[Meg turns around angrily and runs away]'' <hr width=50%> ''[Peter, [[Drunkenness|drunk]], throws potatoes at Cleveland's house]'' :'''Peter''': ''[slurring words]'' This is 'cause I'm drunk! :'''Cleveland''': Move out, [[Irish]] trash! ===''Roasted Guy''=== :''[Joe introduces Quagmire as roastmaster]'' :'''Quagmire''': Thanks you, thank you, thank you very much. Joe, I'd tell you to take your seat, but I'd be about 15 years too late. <hr width=50%> :'''Quagmire''': Well first off, Peter's always been special. In high school, he didn't play sports, but he did wear a helmet. <hr width=50%> :'''Quagmire''': But I gotta say the worst part about being Peter's friend is knowing that eventually you're gonna have to be the fatass' pallbearer. Lift with the legs, right fellas? <hr width=50%> :'''Cleveland''': Peter's got a small penis. But, hey, nuthin' grows in the shade! <hr width=50%> :'''Carter''': As Lois' father, I hate the thought of her having sex with Peter. :'''Lois''': And so do I! <hr width=50%> :'''Carl''': I asked Peter what he got on his SATs. He said "Mayonnaise." <hr width=50%> :'''Mort Goldman''': Peter's so fat and stupid, [[w:Lamar Odom|Lamar Odom]] tried to bang* him! <hr width=50%> :'''Jerome''': Peter, you're loud. Ya can't hold down a job. You got a high blood pressure. You could be [[Black people|black]] if ya didn't have such a damn tiny ding-a-ling! <small>On the season 13 DVD, "bang" is replaced with "fuck"</small> ===''[[w:Fighting Irish (Family Guy)|Fighting Irish]]''=== :'''Liam Neeson''': I have played a lion in three separate films. Peter Griffin has never played a jungle cat of any sort, not even a smallish one, like a lynx. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': You ever got your ass handed to you by a Type 2 diabetic? <hr width=50%> ''[At kindergarten, Stewie is talking to a group of children]'' :'''Stewie''': Hey, you know that old woman who lived in a shoe? She had so many children she didn't know what to do? I know what she should do: get your [[Wikipedia:Tubal ligation|tubes tied]], ya kook! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''' ''(to the set security guard)'': We're here to see Liam Neeson, the guy who wears the same long jacket in his movies. <hr width=50%> ''(Peter dresses as Mrs. Potato Head to lure Liam Neeson out, but ends up getting the attention of Colin Farrell, who pushes him down and rapes him)'' :'''Peter''' ''(as he walks away, still in the Mrs. Potato Head costume, which is now frowning and dented)'': The back is all mashed potatoes now. ===''[[w:Take My Wife (Family Guy)|Take My Wife]]''=== ''(during the "I Feel" exercise, where couples open up about how they feel by starting their sentences with "I feel...")'' :'''Lois''': I feel... unappreciated. Like you don't want to spend time with me. :'''Peter''': Okay, I feel a numbness radiating from my left arm. :'''Donna''' ''(to Cleveland)'': I ''feel'' like you should help out more around the house. :'''Cleveland''': I feel like salty and sweet. ''(to the counselor)'': You got white-chocolate French fries? :'''Kimi''' ''(to Quagmire)'': I feel like my cervix hurts. :'''Quagmire''' ''(smiles)'': I feel pride. <hr width=50%> :'''Counselor''': ''[while trying to help the couples find out more about each other]'' Peter, when's Lois' birthday? :'''Peter''': Uh, let's see. When is Hitler's birthday? :'''Counselor''': April 20th. :'''Peter''': Wow. Okay, Noel. Yikes. :'''Counselor''': Joe, what is Bonnie's favorite food? :'''Joe''': Well, she must like ground glass because I keep finding it in my food. :'''Counselor''': Cleveland- :'''Cleveland''': Pass. :'''Counselor''': Quagmire, what color are Kimi's eyes? :'''Quagmire''': Shaved. S-sorry, what is it? What was the question? ==External links== {{wikipedia|Family Guy}} [[Category:Family Guy seasons]] 7aj9boc2n8ko4bap2d6i1f2l7dtlu1c 3157877 3157876 2022-08-25T16:33:44Z Ijs89000 3124205 /* The Simpsons Guy */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[Family Guy]]''''' is an animated television series created by [[Seth MacFarlane]] for [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|FOX]] in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]], production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005. :'' ''Family Guy'' and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the'' Wikimedia Foundation ''Do NOT ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, ''The Wikimedia Foundation,'' have any affiliation with 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape or form.'' :''Please read [[Family Guy/Format]] for notes on how to use and edit this article.'' ===''[[w:The Simpsons Guy|The Simpsons Guy]]''=== :'''Brian''': Looks like we're in a town called "Springfield". :'''Stewie''': Springfield, eh? What state? :'''Brian''': I can't imagine we're allowed to say. <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Oh, this Springfield place looks nice. We should visit here again. :'''Brian''': I dunno, Lois. This seems like a one-shot deal. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Don't drink the water. Everyone around here looks like they have hepatitis. <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Thank you so much for putting us up until we find our car. :'''Marge''': And thank ''you'' for not being a band of hippie murderers. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': ''[to Apu]'' Hello, funny-sounding Cleveland! <hr width=50%> :'''Homer''': Apu, a dozen donuts for our albino visitors. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Mmm. Yummy. Donut. :'''Homer''': That's pretty good, but try it like this. Mmm...donut... :'''Peter''': Mmm... donut... :'''Homer''': I think you and I are gonna get along just okay. <hr width=50%> :'''Bart''': Eat my shorts! :'''Stewie''': "Eat my shorts." I love that! Is that a popular expression like "What the deuce"? :'''Brian''': Probably more popular. <hr width=50%> :'''Moe''': Moe's Tavern, Moe speakin'. :'''Bart''': Uh, yeah, I'm looking for a friend, last name Kebum, the first name Lee. :'''Moe''': Eh, hang on, I'll check. Uh, hey, guys, do I get a Lee Kebum? C'mon, look at the stools. Is there a Lee Kebum? Somebody check the rear, I know I have a Lee Kebun. :'''Barney''': Then you probably shouldn't be handling food! <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': Hello, Moe? Your sister's bein' raped! <hr width=50%> :'''Bob Belcher''': Yeah, we did it! :'''Homer''': What's he doing here? :'''Peter''': Oh, we gotta carry him 'cause he can't fly alone. We let that other guy try and look at what happened. :'''Cleveland''': [[familyguyfanon:Cleveland's Bathtub Gag|No, no, no, no, no, NO!!!]] <hr width=50%> :''[after Homer drinks some Pawtucket Patriot Ale]'' :'''Peter''': That's pretty good, right? :'''Homer''': No. :'''Peter''': Huh? :'''Homer''': It's not good. This beer tastes exactly like Duff. It's just a lousy ripoff! :'''Peter''': Hey, whoa whoa whoa! It's not a ripoff of Duff! It may have been ''inspired'' by Duff, but I...I like to think it goes in a different direction. :'''Homer''': No, this is just the same as Duff, but, like, worse! :'''Peter''': Hey, come on, now, this is my favorite beer you're talking about! Hell, I work for the company. It's my livelihood! :'''Moe''': ''[takes the beer]'' Oh, yeah? Well, your livelihood is based on fraud. Look at this. ''[Rips off the Pawtucket Patriot Ale label, revealing the Duff Beer label underneath]'' Huh?! :'''Homer''': ''[gasps]'' IT IS DUFF!!! Your beer is in big trouble! You can't just slap a new label on something and call it your own! :'''Peter''': Well, maybe Duff should be in trouble for, you know, not being that great. :'''Homer''': ''[gasps]'' Duff is an ICON!!! :'''Peter''': Yeah, but some folks prefer Pawtucket Pat. I mean, don't get me wrong. I used to love Duff when I was younger, but, I haven't even had it in 13 years. :''[Blue Haired Lawyer appears]'' :'''Blue Haired Lawyer''': Be that as it may, I represent the Duff Brewery. And you sir, as a representative of Pawtucket Patriot Ale, are being sued for intellectual theft and patent infringement. :'''Homer''': Ah ha!! Intellectual infringement. What do you have to say about that Griffin!?! :'''Peter''': D'oh!!! <hr width=50%> :'''Judge''': I've heard all I need to hear to make a decision. ''[The camera switches to the judge, who is revealed to be Fred Flintstone]'' :'''Fred Flintstone''': If you ask me, neither of these beers is wholly original. They're both pale imitations of my favorite beer, Bud Rock. :'''Peter''': Oh-ho-ho! :'''Homer''': Ooh! :'''Fred Flintstone''': But rendering a verdict is something I'm paid to YABBA DABBA DOOOOO!!!!! :'''Homer and Peter''': Eh. :'''Fred Flintstone''': And I find in favor of Duff!!! :'''Lois''': Oh, no!!!! :'''Meg''': Oh, no!!! :'''Peter''': Oh, no!!! :''[Peter and Lois look towards a nearby wall, expecting the Kool-Aid guy to crash through the wall and say "Oh, Yeah!". Suddenly, Peter's cellphone starts ringing.]'' :'''Peter''': ''[Answers his cellphone]'' Hello. :''[Scene shifts to the Kool-Aid guy, who has crashed through the wall of a courthouse in a different Springfield]'' :'''Kool-Aid Guy''': Uh, hey. I'm... I'm in the wrong Springfield. <hr width=50%> :'''Homer''': Hey, knock it off! There's a kid back there! :'''Ralph''': Heh-heh, I'm in danger. <hr width=50%> :'''Krusty''': Remember, kids. TV violence is fine as long as you don't show a nipple. <hr width=50%> :'''Kodos''': Perfect, the Earthlings are destroying themselves. :'''Roger''': Yeah, it's great, isn't it, guys? ''[to the camera]'' We went to summer camp together. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': It appears that I am now the only one with radioactive powers, which will allow me to unleash my fury... ''[the radioactivity wears off]'' Oh, I talked too long. <hr width=50%> :''[Homer attempts to choke Peter]'' :'''Peter''': Ow! What the hell? That hurts! :'''Homer''': No, it doesn't! I do it to my son all the time! :'''Peter''': You strangle your son? That's insane! No wonder he's fat and stupid and masturbates all the time! :'''Homer''': That's [[w:Chris Griffin|your]] son! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': ''[Homer throws multiple Emmys at Peter, who dodges them]'' Hey, that's not fair! I don't have any of them! <hr width=50%> :''[the spaceship jumps over Springfield Gorge]'' :'''Peter''': We're gonna make it! :'''Homer''': Trust me, we're not. <hr width=50%> :''[Homer is trying to kill Peter]'' :'''Homer''': Say "hi" to '''[[w:Maude Flanders|Maude Flanders]]'''! :'''Peter''': No, you say "hi" to '''Muriel Goldman'''! :'''Homer''': Who? :''[Peter's running, and finally, the spaceship falls to Homer]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Comic Book Guy''': Worst chicken fight ever. ===''[[w:The Book of Joe|The Book of Joe]]''=== :'''Brian''': Could you close the gate? A couple o' calves got loose. Pow! <hr width=50%> :'''Parent''': You're awful! :'''Peter''': Applause is customary. ===''[[w:Baking Bad|Baking Bad]]''=== :''[following a tricycle-Big Wheel accident]'' :'''Boy''': We should probably exchange numbers. :'''Stewie''': Okay, I'm a 10, you're a 4. <hr width=50%> :'''Tom Tucker''': Coming up: Local newsman shows a camera operator how to center a shot. <hr width=50%> :'''Mosquito''': Hi, I'm the new nurse. :'''Lois''': Get outta here. The blood's not for you. :'''Mosquito''': Aww. Oh, look, an empty tire with some water in it. All right, I'm happy again. ===''[[w:Brian the Closer|Brian the Closer]]''=== :''[Brian is reluctantly showing Bonnie a house]'' :'''Brian''': Bonnie, I still don't get why you want to see this house. The foundation is totally out of whack. I mean, the whole house is slanting down to that cliff over there. :'''Bonnie''': Uh-huh. Can you open the sliding door? ''[Brian complies as Bonnie releases a wheelchair with a large bag of potatoes acting as weight. The wheelchair rolls easily through the door and smashes on the rocks below the cliff]'' I'll take it. <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Now remember, Brian's very self-conscious about how he looks, so let's try to be supportive. Brian. Dinner. ===''[[w:Turkey Guys|Turkey Guys]]''=== :'''Lois''': Peter, we have people coming over and they're expecting a turkey! :'''Peter''': If they're expecting a turkey, I'll just put on ''[[Evan Almighty]]''! Zap! <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Chris, are Brian and your father back yet? :'''Chris''': No, and why are you saying the dog's name before Dad's? :'''Stewie''': It's weird. Y...yeah, you're right, that is weird. <hr width=50%> :''[Lois and Joe watch Kevin and his little person girlfriend have sex outside]'' :'''Lois''': Oh, my God, it looks like he's chalking up a pool cue! <hr width=50%> :''[Peter and Brian are listening to "Meet Virginia" by [[w:Train (band)|Train]] on the radio in Brian's car]'' :'''Peter''': Brian, I love Train. :'''Brian''': I fucking love Train. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter has saved the Thanksgiving turkey from the bottom of a lake, while Brian has just got out of the water by himself]'' :'''Brian''': Peter, what the hell? You chose a turkey over me? I almost died! :'''Peter''': I swear to God, I thought dogs could breathe underwater. ===''[[w:The 2000-Year-Old Virgin|The 2000-Year-Old Virgin]]''=== :'''Joe''': Hey, do you think if I let Jesus sleep with Bonnie, he'd give me back the use of my legs? :'''Peter''': Joe, I don't speak for Jesus, I just get him trim. <hr width=“50%”/> :'''Jesus''': Lois, it seems like you learned the lesson I intended. :'''Peter''': What lesson? :'''Jesus''': Oh, you know, uh... That... this holiest of days is about... uh... appreciating our loved ones and, uh... resisting temptation. :'''Lois''': Oh, so it was a test. Like when your Father told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. :'''Jesus''': Yes, that! That’s exactly right. Uh, well... I can see my work here is done... :'''Peter''': Well taught, Jesus. Well taught. :'''Jesus''': Yeah, I guess, who cares, I’m not even real. Merry Christmas. ===''[[w:Stewie, Chris, & Brian's Excellent Adventure|Stewie, Chris, & Brian's Excellent Adventure]]''=== :'''Rupert''': Hey, everybody, just so you know, I'm straight! <hr width=50%> :'''1st German Soldier''': Heil Hooters! :'''Otto''': Careful, it might be a "booby-trap". <hr width=50%> :''[observing the Titanic sinking firsthand]'' :'''Chris''': This would make a great movie. ===''[[w:Our Idiot Brian|Our Idiot Brian]]''=== :'''Brian''': I mean I was having fun, making new friends, getting laid all the time, sleeping like a rock, but you made the call. You unilaterally decided I was better off a bitter alcoholic failure who could only hang out with a baby. :'''Stewie''': Hey! We have fun. <hr width=50%> :'''Ruth''': Your mom's so fucking hot! <hr width=50%> :'''Brian''': ''[repeated line, after Stewie has tried to make him cultured after visiting the [[opera]], going to [[yoga]] and to a fancy [[Restaurant|restaurant]]]'' This isn't the [[w:Kenny Chesney|Kenny Chesney]] concert! ===''[[w:This Little Piggy (Family Guy)|This Little Piggy]]''=== :''[Cassandra leads Brian and Stewie back to her tent for a three-way]'' :'''Stewie''': Alright, let's lay some ground rules here. You take her left side, I'll take her right. :'''Brian''': What? Uh, how about top and bottom or front and back? :'''Stewie''': How about I take head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes? :'''Brian''': Okay, you can have those. :'''Stewie''': You just gave away the store mister. <hr width=50%?> :'''Dr. Finklestein''': ''[discovers cash in the dead man's billfold]'' It's a five! A five! <hr width=50%?> :'''Meg''': All right. See you later. :'''Lois''': Where are you off to? :'''Meg''': Actually, I met a photographer at Stewie's school yesterday, and he wants me to model for him. :''[Peter pulls his ears to rip them off, and they come out when he does, causing blood to come out]'' :'''Peter''': ''[showing his ears he ripped off to Lois]'' Lois, please send these back to the factory. I believe they're defective. :'''Lois''': Oh my God, Peter, did you just rip your own ears off? :'''Peter''': It was the easiest way to let her know the news was ridiculous. ''[Collapses]'' ===''[[w:Quagmire's Mom|Quagmire's Mom]]''=== :'''Stewie''': ''[whispering to Brian]'' Dairy Queen closes in ten minutes. <hr width=50%> :'''Judge''': I have no choice but to sentence you to 20 years in prison! :''[Judge bangs his gavel, everyone gasps]'' :'''Female Voice''': Oh no you don't! :''[everyone looks to the courtroom to discover an elderly woman at the door]'' :'''Quagmire''': Mom? :'''All the men in the courtroom''': Crystal? <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': ''[singing through microphone after waiting really long about throwing up in the sink]'' ''Out here in the fields…'' You know, that was me. I was the one who threw up in the sink. ===''[[w:Encyclopedia Griffin|Encyclopedia Griffin]]''=== :'''Lois''': Peter, are you just trying to take a knee until the end of the show? Peter, that's not gonna work, you can't just... <hr width=50%> :'''Chris''': It's made of Skittles! You want to eat the baby together on the way home? :'''Lois''': Yeah, I'd like that. ===''Stewie Is Enceinte''=== :'''Peter''': Now, what are the ingredients to a viral internet video? :'''Joe''': Cats. <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': I have a such craving for burgers. It's like my body is just craving red meat, and mint chip ice cream and only mint chip. Any other ice creams makes me want to puke. Is that weird? :'''Brian''': Yes, Stewie. That's the one weird thing in all this. <hr width=50%> :'''[[Adam West]]''': ''[observing Stewie giving birth in Brian's car]'' Mazel tov! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Remember how everyone liked that video of the [[wikipedia:Monkey|monkey]] performing a sex act on that [[wikipedia:Frog|frog]] at the zoo? :'''Joe''': You mean ''that'' frog? :'''Peter''': What? :'''Joe''': The frog in the miniskirt putting a quarter in the jukebox. ''[A female frog in a blonde wig and crop top puts a quarter in the jukebox and starts dancing seductively to [[wikipedia:Bon Jovi|Bon Jovi]]'s [[wikipedia:You Give Love A Bad Name (song)|You Give Love A Bad Name]] while a group of male monkeys look on]'' :'''Peter''': ''[filming on his phone]'' Bingo. :'''Joe''': ''[with a worried expression]'' I'm concerned that frog's in more danger than she realizes. ===''Dr. C and the Women''=== :''[Peter takes Lois golfing]'' :'''Lois''': So...so what do I do? Just aim for the pond? :'''Peter''': No, you're not supposed to hit it into the water. :'''Lois''': But you hit it into the water. :'''Peter''': ''[exasperated]'' I know I hit it into the water. :'''Lois''': But why do they even have water if you're not supposed to hit it there? :'''Peter''': BECAUSE IT'S FUN! WE'RE HAVING FUN! ''[growling in frustration, he furiously throws his bag of clubs]'' :'''Lois''': Look! It went further than your ball! <hr width=50%> :''[Lois and Cleveland finish a therapy session and return to the lobby where Peter is waiting]'' :'''Peter''': Get all of her squawking out, doc? :'''Cleveland''': Oh, I think we got to the root of the problem. Didn't we, Lois? :'''Lois''': Absolutely. :'''Peter''': Alright! Let's dope her up good. Turn that mouth off. <hr width=50%> :'''TSA Agent''': There you are. Listen up, Meg. This TSA isn't sweaty enough for the two of us. :'''Meg''': What? What does that even mean? :'''TSA Agent''': It means stay away from Larry. I'm his girlfriend. :'''Meg''': You are? Oh, my God, I thought you were a boy. <hr width=50%> ''[Outback Steakhouse Extreme commercial]'' :'''Announcer''': Hey! Are you a big fat bastard who loves eating at an outback steakhouse but thinks the portions are too small? Well, good news, fatass! 'Cause now there's the Outback Steakhouse Extreme! We don't have a blooming onion, we have a blooming...''[squish!]'' pumpkin! You know what else we've got? ''[crash!]'' Elephant steaks! Fifty-pound elephant steaks! And why don't you wash it down out with forty ounces of malt liquor and ranch dressing, ya fat fuck? Outback Steakhouse Extreme: PUNISH YOUR TOILET! ===''#JOLO''=== :'''Joe''': Peter, be careful up there. :''[Peter flips Joe the bird]'' :'''Peter''': Is this being careful enough, Joe? <hr width=50%> :''[Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland are being swept towards the American Falls, one of the three waterfalls making up Niagara Falls]'' :'''Peter''': ''[to Quagmire and Cleveland]'' Guys, keep swallowing water. We'll drink our way out of this! ===''Once Bitten''=== :'''TV Announcer: We now return to yet another lndiana Jones movie. :'''Man''': (hisses) Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes? :'''Snake''': Elderly potheads. Why did it have to be elderly potheads? :'''Brian''': Is everyone warm in here? Is it warm? :'''Lois''': Brian, are you feeling all right? :'''Brian''': Yeah, I'm fine. It just seems kind of... (retching loudly) :'''Lois''': Oh, my God! :'''Peter''': Oh, Lois, your dog threw up. :'''Lois''': Peter, Brian's clearly not feeling well. You got to take him to the vet. :'''Meg''': Unbelievable! Brian throws up once, and you rush him to the vet. I was throwing up all night last night. :'''Peter''': Good start. Keep it up, snack pack. :'''Brian''': (chuckles) (retching loudly) :'''Lois''': Peter, you got to take him now! :'''Brian''': Lois, it's probably just something I ate. I'm fine. Really. I got more energy than a cruise ship conga line. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Alright, Brian, it's time for you to take one of these pills from the vet. :'''Brian''': Uh, yeah, right. Can we do what we normally where we normally roll it up in a piece of cheese like you're fooling me? :'''Peter''': Yeah, I guess. <hr width=50%> :'''Brian''': Peter, get away from my ass! <hr width=50%> :'''Neil''': ''[to Meg sadly]'' I'm sorry, but my friendship with Chris, is more important. :'''Meg''': You're a JERK, Neil! ''[Meg turns around angrily and runs away]'' <hr width=50%> ''[Peter, [[Drunkenness|drunk]], throws potatoes at Cleveland's house]'' :'''Peter''': ''[slurring words]'' This is 'cause I'm drunk! :'''Cleveland''': Move out, [[Irish]] trash! ===''Roasted Guy''=== :''[Joe introduces Quagmire as roastmaster]'' :'''Quagmire''': Thanks you, thank you, thank you very much. Joe, I'd tell you to take your seat, but I'd be about 15 years too late. <hr width=50%> :'''Quagmire''': Well first off, Peter's always been special. In high school, he didn't play sports, but he did wear a helmet. <hr width=50%> :'''Quagmire''': But I gotta say the worst part about being Peter's friend is knowing that eventually you're gonna have to be the fatass' pallbearer. Lift with the legs, right fellas? <hr width=50%> :'''Cleveland''': Peter's got a small penis. But, hey, nuthin' grows in the shade! <hr width=50%> :'''Carter''': As Lois' father, I hate the thought of her having sex with Peter. :'''Lois''': And so do I! <hr width=50%> :'''Carl''': I asked Peter what he got on his SATs. He said "Mayonnaise." <hr width=50%> :'''Mort Goldman''': Peter's so fat and stupid, [[w:Lamar Odom|Lamar Odom]] tried to bang* him! <hr width=50%> :'''Jerome''': Peter, you're loud. Ya can't hold down a job. You got a high blood pressure. You could be [[Black people|black]] if ya didn't have such a damn tiny ding-a-ling! <small>On the season 13 DVD, "bang" is replaced with "fuck"</small> ===''[[w:Fighting Irish (Family Guy)|Fighting Irish]]''=== :'''Liam Neeson''': I have played a lion in three separate films. Peter Griffin has never played a jungle cat of any sort, not even a smallish one, like a lynx. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': You ever got your ass handed to you by a Type 2 diabetic? <hr width=50%> ''[At kindergarten, Stewie is talking to a group of children]'' :'''Stewie''': Hey, you know that old woman who lived in a shoe? She had so many children she didn't know what to do? I know what she should do: get your [[Wikipedia:Tubal ligation|tubes tied]], ya kook! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''' ''(to the set security guard)'': We're here to see Liam Neeson, the guy who wears the same long jacket in his movies. <hr width=50%> ''(Peter dresses as Mrs. Potato Head to lure Liam Neeson out, but ends up getting the attention of Colin Farrell, who pushes him down and rapes him)'' :'''Peter''' ''(as he walks away, still in the Mrs. Potato Head costume, which is now frowning and dented)'': The back is all mashed potatoes now. ===''[[w:Take My Wife (Family Guy)|Take My Wife]]''=== ''(during the "I Feel" exercise, where couples open up about how they feel by starting their sentences with "I feel...")'' :'''Lois''': I feel... unappreciated. Like you don't want to spend time with me. :'''Peter''': Okay, I feel a numbness radiating from my left arm. :'''Donna''' ''(to Cleveland)'': I ''feel'' like you should help out more around the house. :'''Cleveland''': I feel like salty and sweet. ''(to the counselor)'': You got white-chocolate French fries? :'''Kimi''' ''(to Quagmire)'': I feel like my cervix hurts. :'''Quagmire''' ''(smiles)'': I feel pride. <hr width=50%> :'''Counselor''': ''[while trying to help the couples find out more about each other]'' Peter, when's Lois' birthday? :'''Peter''': Uh, let's see. When is Hitler's birthday? :'''Counselor''': April 20th. :'''Peter''': Wow. Okay, Noel. Yikes. :'''Counselor''': Joe, what is Bonnie's favorite food? :'''Joe''': Well, she must like ground glass because I keep finding it in my food. :'''Counselor''': Cleveland- :'''Cleveland''': Pass. :'''Counselor''': Quagmire, what color are Kimi's eyes? :'''Quagmire''': Shaved. S-sorry, what is it? What was the question? ==External links== {{wikipedia|Family Guy}} [[Category:Family Guy seasons]] na7zhg9ihnhvpn8trxcwuznqyp6tt2x 3157878 3157877 2022-08-25T16:34:16Z Ijs89000 3124205 /* The Simpsons Guy */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[Family Guy]]''''' is an animated television series created by [[Seth MacFarlane]] for [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|FOX]] in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]], production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005. :'' ''Family Guy'' and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the'' Wikimedia Foundation ''Do NOT ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, ''The Wikimedia Foundation,'' have any affiliation with 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape or form.'' :''Please read [[Family Guy/Format]] for notes on how to use and edit this article.'' ===''[[w:The Simpsons Guy|The Simpsons Guy]]''=== :'''Brian''': Looks like we're in a town called "Springfield". :'''Stewie''': Springfield, eh? What state? :'''Brian''': I can't imagine we're allowed to say. <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Oh, this Springfield place looks nice. We should visit here again. :'''Brian''': I dunno, Lois. This seems like a one-shot deal. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Don't drink the water. Everyone around here looks like they have hepatitis. <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Thank you so much for putting us up until we find our car. :'''Marge''': And thank ''you'' for not being a band of hippie murderers. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': ''[to Apu]'' Hello, funny-sounding Cleveland! <hr width=50%> :'''Homer''': Apu, a dozen donuts for our albino visitors. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Mmm. Yummy. Donut. :'''Homer''': That's pretty good, but try it like this. Mmm...donut... :'''Peter''': Mmm... donut... :'''Homer''': I think you and I are gonna get along just okay. <hr width=50%> :'''Bart''': Eat my shorts! :'''Stewie''': "Eat my shorts." I love that! Is that a popular expression like "What the deuce"? :'''Brian''': Probably more popular. <hr width=50%> :'''Moe''': Moe's Tavern, Moe speakin'. :'''Bart''': Uh, yeah, I'm looking for a friend, last name Kebum, the first name Lee. :'''Moe''': Eh, hang on, I'll check. Uh, hey, guys, do I get a Lee Kebum? C'mon, look at the stools. Is there a Lee Kebum? Somebody check the rear, I know I have a Lee Kebun. :'''Barney''': Then you probably shouldn't be handling food! <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': Hello, Moe? Your sister's bein' raped! <hr width=50%> :'''Bob Belcher''': Yeah, we did it! :'''Homer''': What's he doing here? :'''Peter''': Oh, we gotta carry him 'cause he can't fly alone. We let that other guy try and look at what happened. :'''Cleveland''': No, no, no, no, no, NO!! <hr width=50%> :''[after Homer drinks some Pawtucket Patriot Ale]'' :'''Peter''': That's pretty good, right? :'''Homer''': No. :'''Peter''': Huh? :'''Homer''': It's not good. This beer tastes exactly like Duff. It's just a lousy ripoff! :'''Peter''': Hey, whoa whoa whoa! It's not a ripoff of Duff! It may have been ''inspired'' by Duff, but I...I like to think it goes in a different direction. :'''Homer''': No, this is just the same as Duff, but, like, worse! :'''Peter''': Hey, come on, now, this is my favorite beer you're talking about! Hell, I work for the company. It's my livelihood! :'''Moe''': ''[takes the beer]'' Oh, yeah? Well, your livelihood is based on fraud. Look at this. ''[Rips off the Pawtucket Patriot Ale label, revealing the Duff Beer label underneath]'' Huh?! :'''Homer''': ''[gasps]'' IT IS DUFF!!! Your beer is in big trouble! You can't just slap a new label on something and call it your own! :'''Peter''': Well, maybe Duff should be in trouble for, you know, not being that great. :'''Homer''': ''[gasps]'' Duff is an ICON!!! :'''Peter''': Yeah, but some folks prefer Pawtucket Pat. I mean, don't get me wrong. I used to love Duff when I was younger, but, I haven't even had it in 13 years. :''[Blue Haired Lawyer appears]'' :'''Blue Haired Lawyer''': Be that as it may, I represent the Duff Brewery. And you sir, as a representative of Pawtucket Patriot Ale, are being sued for intellectual theft and patent infringement. :'''Homer''': Ah ha!! Intellectual infringement. What do you have to say about that Griffin!?! :'''Peter''': D'oh!!! <hr width=50%> :'''Judge''': I've heard all I need to hear to make a decision. ''[The camera switches to the judge, who is revealed to be Fred Flintstone]'' :'''Fred Flintstone''': If you ask me, neither of these beers is wholly original. They're both pale imitations of my favorite beer, Bud Rock. :'''Peter''': Oh-ho-ho! :'''Homer''': Ooh! :'''Fred Flintstone''': But rendering a verdict is something I'm paid to YABBA DABBA DOOOOO!!!!! :'''Homer and Peter''': Eh. :'''Fred Flintstone''': And I find in favor of Duff!!! :'''Lois''': Oh, no!!!! :'''Meg''': Oh, no!!! :'''Peter''': Oh, no!!! :''[Peter and Lois look towards a nearby wall, expecting the Kool-Aid guy to crash through the wall and say "Oh, Yeah!". Suddenly, Peter's cellphone starts ringing.]'' :'''Peter''': ''[Answers his cellphone]'' Hello. :''[Scene shifts to the Kool-Aid guy, who has crashed through the wall of a courthouse in a different Springfield]'' :'''Kool-Aid Guy''': Uh, hey. I'm... I'm in the wrong Springfield. <hr width=50%> :'''Homer''': Hey, knock it off! There's a kid back there! :'''Ralph''': Heh-heh, I'm in danger. <hr width=50%> :'''Krusty''': Remember, kids. TV violence is fine as long as you don't show a nipple. <hr width=50%> :'''Kodos''': Perfect, the Earthlings are destroying themselves. :'''Roger''': Yeah, it's great, isn't it, guys? ''[to the camera]'' We went to summer camp together. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': It appears that I am now the only one with radioactive powers, which will allow me to unleash my fury... ''[the radioactivity wears off]'' Oh, I talked too long. <hr width=50%> :''[Homer attempts to choke Peter]'' :'''Peter''': Ow! What the hell? That hurts! :'''Homer''': No, it doesn't! I do it to my son all the time! :'''Peter''': You strangle your son? That's insane! No wonder he's fat and stupid and masturbates all the time! :'''Homer''': That's [[w:Chris Griffin|your]] son! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': ''[Homer throws multiple Emmys at Peter, who dodges them]'' Hey, that's not fair! I don't have any of them! <hr width=50%> :''[the spaceship jumps over Springfield Gorge]'' :'''Peter''': We're gonna make it! :'''Homer''': Trust me, we're not. <hr width=50%> :''[Homer is trying to kill Peter]'' :'''Homer''': Say "hi" to '''[[w:Maude Flanders|Maude Flanders]]'''! :'''Peter''': No, you say "hi" to '''Muriel Goldman'''! :'''Homer''': Who? :''[Peter's running, and finally, the spaceship falls to Homer]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Comic Book Guy''': Worst chicken fight ever. ===''[[w:The Book of Joe|The Book of Joe]]''=== :'''Brian''': Could you close the gate? A couple o' calves got loose. Pow! <hr width=50%> :'''Parent''': You're awful! :'''Peter''': Applause is customary. ===''[[w:Baking Bad|Baking Bad]]''=== :''[following a tricycle-Big Wheel accident]'' :'''Boy''': We should probably exchange numbers. :'''Stewie''': Okay, I'm a 10, you're a 4. <hr width=50%> :'''Tom Tucker''': Coming up: Local newsman shows a camera operator how to center a shot. <hr width=50%> :'''Mosquito''': Hi, I'm the new nurse. :'''Lois''': Get outta here. The blood's not for you. :'''Mosquito''': Aww. Oh, look, an empty tire with some water in it. All right, I'm happy again. ===''[[w:Brian the Closer|Brian the Closer]]''=== :''[Brian is reluctantly showing Bonnie a house]'' :'''Brian''': Bonnie, I still don't get why you want to see this house. The foundation is totally out of whack. I mean, the whole house is slanting down to that cliff over there. :'''Bonnie''': Uh-huh. Can you open the sliding door? ''[Brian complies as Bonnie releases a wheelchair with a large bag of potatoes acting as weight. The wheelchair rolls easily through the door and smashes on the rocks below the cliff]'' I'll take it. <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Now remember, Brian's very self-conscious about how he looks, so let's try to be supportive. Brian. Dinner. ===''[[w:Turkey Guys|Turkey Guys]]''=== :'''Lois''': Peter, we have people coming over and they're expecting a turkey! :'''Peter''': If they're expecting a turkey, I'll just put on ''[[Evan Almighty]]''! Zap! <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Chris, are Brian and your father back yet? :'''Chris''': No, and why are you saying the dog's name before Dad's? :'''Stewie''': It's weird. Y...yeah, you're right, that is weird. <hr width=50%> :''[Lois and Joe watch Kevin and his little person girlfriend have sex outside]'' :'''Lois''': Oh, my God, it looks like he's chalking up a pool cue! <hr width=50%> :''[Peter and Brian are listening to "Meet Virginia" by [[w:Train (band)|Train]] on the radio in Brian's car]'' :'''Peter''': Brian, I love Train. :'''Brian''': I fucking love Train. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter has saved the Thanksgiving turkey from the bottom of a lake, while Brian has just got out of the water by himself]'' :'''Brian''': Peter, what the hell? You chose a turkey over me? I almost died! :'''Peter''': I swear to God, I thought dogs could breathe underwater. ===''[[w:The 2000-Year-Old Virgin|The 2000-Year-Old Virgin]]''=== :'''Joe''': Hey, do you think if I let Jesus sleep with Bonnie, he'd give me back the use of my legs? :'''Peter''': Joe, I don't speak for Jesus, I just get him trim. <hr width=“50%”/> :'''Jesus''': Lois, it seems like you learned the lesson I intended. :'''Peter''': What lesson? :'''Jesus''': Oh, you know, uh... That... this holiest of days is about... uh... appreciating our loved ones and, uh... resisting temptation. :'''Lois''': Oh, so it was a test. Like when your Father told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. :'''Jesus''': Yes, that! That’s exactly right. Uh, well... I can see my work here is done... :'''Peter''': Well taught, Jesus. Well taught. :'''Jesus''': Yeah, I guess, who cares, I’m not even real. Merry Christmas. ===''[[w:Stewie, Chris, & Brian's Excellent Adventure|Stewie, Chris, & Brian's Excellent Adventure]]''=== :'''Rupert''': Hey, everybody, just so you know, I'm straight! <hr width=50%> :'''1st German Soldier''': Heil Hooters! :'''Otto''': Careful, it might be a "booby-trap". <hr width=50%> :''[observing the Titanic sinking firsthand]'' :'''Chris''': This would make a great movie. ===''[[w:Our Idiot Brian|Our Idiot Brian]]''=== :'''Brian''': I mean I was having fun, making new friends, getting laid all the time, sleeping like a rock, but you made the call. You unilaterally decided I was better off a bitter alcoholic failure who could only hang out with a baby. :'''Stewie''': Hey! We have fun. <hr width=50%> :'''Ruth''': Your mom's so fucking hot! <hr width=50%> :'''Brian''': ''[repeated line, after Stewie has tried to make him cultured after visiting the [[opera]], going to [[yoga]] and to a fancy [[Restaurant|restaurant]]]'' This isn't the [[w:Kenny Chesney|Kenny Chesney]] concert! ===''[[w:This Little Piggy (Family Guy)|This Little Piggy]]''=== :''[Cassandra leads Brian and Stewie back to her tent for a three-way]'' :'''Stewie''': Alright, let's lay some ground rules here. You take her left side, I'll take her right. :'''Brian''': What? Uh, how about top and bottom or front and back? :'''Stewie''': How about I take head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes? :'''Brian''': Okay, you can have those. :'''Stewie''': You just gave away the store mister. <hr width=50%?> :'''Dr. Finklestein''': ''[discovers cash in the dead man's billfold]'' It's a five! A five! <hr width=50%?> :'''Meg''': All right. See you later. :'''Lois''': Where are you off to? :'''Meg''': Actually, I met a photographer at Stewie's school yesterday, and he wants me to model for him. :''[Peter pulls his ears to rip them off, and they come out when he does, causing blood to come out]'' :'''Peter''': ''[showing his ears he ripped off to Lois]'' Lois, please send these back to the factory. I believe they're defective. :'''Lois''': Oh my God, Peter, did you just rip your own ears off? :'''Peter''': It was the easiest way to let her know the news was ridiculous. ''[Collapses]'' ===''[[w:Quagmire's Mom|Quagmire's Mom]]''=== :'''Stewie''': ''[whispering to Brian]'' Dairy Queen closes in ten minutes. <hr width=50%> :'''Judge''': I have no choice but to sentence you to 20 years in prison! :''[Judge bangs his gavel, everyone gasps]'' :'''Female Voice''': Oh no you don't! :''[everyone looks to the courtroom to discover an elderly woman at the door]'' :'''Quagmire''': Mom? :'''All the men in the courtroom''': Crystal? <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': ''[singing through microphone after waiting really long about throwing up in the sink]'' ''Out here in the fields…'' You know, that was me. I was the one who threw up in the sink. ===''[[w:Encyclopedia Griffin|Encyclopedia Griffin]]''=== :'''Lois''': Peter, are you just trying to take a knee until the end of the show? Peter, that's not gonna work, you can't just... <hr width=50%> :'''Chris''': It's made of Skittles! You want to eat the baby together on the way home? :'''Lois''': Yeah, I'd like that. ===''Stewie Is Enceinte''=== :'''Peter''': Now, what are the ingredients to a viral internet video? :'''Joe''': Cats. <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': I have a such craving for burgers. It's like my body is just craving red meat, and mint chip ice cream and only mint chip. Any other ice creams makes me want to puke. Is that weird? :'''Brian''': Yes, Stewie. That's the one weird thing in all this. <hr width=50%> :'''[[Adam West]]''': ''[observing Stewie giving birth in Brian's car]'' Mazel tov! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Remember how everyone liked that video of the [[wikipedia:Monkey|monkey]] performing a sex act on that [[wikipedia:Frog|frog]] at the zoo? :'''Joe''': You mean ''that'' frog? :'''Peter''': What? :'''Joe''': The frog in the miniskirt putting a quarter in the jukebox. ''[A female frog in a blonde wig and crop top puts a quarter in the jukebox and starts dancing seductively to [[wikipedia:Bon Jovi|Bon Jovi]]'s [[wikipedia:You Give Love A Bad Name (song)|You Give Love A Bad Name]] while a group of male monkeys look on]'' :'''Peter''': ''[filming on his phone]'' Bingo. :'''Joe''': ''[with a worried expression]'' I'm concerned that frog's in more danger than she realizes. ===''Dr. C and the Women''=== :''[Peter takes Lois golfing]'' :'''Lois''': So...so what do I do? Just aim for the pond? :'''Peter''': No, you're not supposed to hit it into the water. :'''Lois''': But you hit it into the water. :'''Peter''': ''[exasperated]'' I know I hit it into the water. :'''Lois''': But why do they even have water if you're not supposed to hit it there? :'''Peter''': BECAUSE IT'S FUN! WE'RE HAVING FUN! ''[growling in frustration, he furiously throws his bag of clubs]'' :'''Lois''': Look! It went further than your ball! <hr width=50%> :''[Lois and Cleveland finish a therapy session and return to the lobby where Peter is waiting]'' :'''Peter''': Get all of her squawking out, doc? :'''Cleveland''': Oh, I think we got to the root of the problem. Didn't we, Lois? :'''Lois''': Absolutely. :'''Peter''': Alright! Let's dope her up good. Turn that mouth off. <hr width=50%> :'''TSA Agent''': There you are. Listen up, Meg. This TSA isn't sweaty enough for the two of us. :'''Meg''': What? What does that even mean? :'''TSA Agent''': It means stay away from Larry. I'm his girlfriend. :'''Meg''': You are? Oh, my God, I thought you were a boy. <hr width=50%> ''[Outback Steakhouse Extreme commercial]'' :'''Announcer''': Hey! Are you a big fat bastard who loves eating at an outback steakhouse but thinks the portions are too small? Well, good news, fatass! 'Cause now there's the Outback Steakhouse Extreme! We don't have a blooming onion, we have a blooming...''[squish!]'' pumpkin! You know what else we've got? ''[crash!]'' Elephant steaks! Fifty-pound elephant steaks! And why don't you wash it down out with forty ounces of malt liquor and ranch dressing, ya fat fuck? Outback Steakhouse Extreme: PUNISH YOUR TOILET! ===''#JOLO''=== :'''Joe''': Peter, be careful up there. :''[Peter flips Joe the bird]'' :'''Peter''': Is this being careful enough, Joe? <hr width=50%> :''[Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland are being swept towards the American Falls, one of the three waterfalls making up Niagara Falls]'' :'''Peter''': ''[to Quagmire and Cleveland]'' Guys, keep swallowing water. We'll drink our way out of this! ===''Once Bitten''=== :'''TV Announcer: We now return to yet another lndiana Jones movie. :'''Man''': (hisses) Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes? :'''Snake''': Elderly potheads. Why did it have to be elderly potheads? :'''Brian''': Is everyone warm in here? Is it warm? :'''Lois''': Brian, are you feeling all right? :'''Brian''': Yeah, I'm fine. It just seems kind of... (retching loudly) :'''Lois''': Oh, my God! :'''Peter''': Oh, Lois, your dog threw up. :'''Lois''': Peter, Brian's clearly not feeling well. You got to take him to the vet. :'''Meg''': Unbelievable! Brian throws up once, and you rush him to the vet. I was throwing up all night last night. :'''Peter''': Good start. Keep it up, snack pack. :'''Brian''': (chuckles) (retching loudly) :'''Lois''': Peter, you got to take him now! :'''Brian''': Lois, it's probably just something I ate. I'm fine. Really. I got more energy than a cruise ship conga line. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Alright, Brian, it's time for you to take one of these pills from the vet. :'''Brian''': Uh, yeah, right. Can we do what we normally where we normally roll it up in a piece of cheese like you're fooling me? :'''Peter''': Yeah, I guess. <hr width=50%> :'''Brian''': Peter, get away from my ass! <hr width=50%> :'''Neil''': ''[to Meg sadly]'' I'm sorry, but my friendship with Chris, is more important. :'''Meg''': You're a JERK, Neil! ''[Meg turns around angrily and runs away]'' <hr width=50%> ''[Peter, [[Drunkenness|drunk]], throws potatoes at Cleveland's house]'' :'''Peter''': ''[slurring words]'' This is 'cause I'm drunk! :'''Cleveland''': Move out, [[Irish]] trash! ===''Roasted Guy''=== :''[Joe introduces Quagmire as roastmaster]'' :'''Quagmire''': Thanks you, thank you, thank you very much. Joe, I'd tell you to take your seat, but I'd be about 15 years too late. <hr width=50%> :'''Quagmire''': Well first off, Peter's always been special. In high school, he didn't play sports, but he did wear a helmet. <hr width=50%> :'''Quagmire''': But I gotta say the worst part about being Peter's friend is knowing that eventually you're gonna have to be the fatass' pallbearer. Lift with the legs, right fellas? <hr width=50%> :'''Cleveland''': Peter's got a small penis. But, hey, nuthin' grows in the shade! <hr width=50%> :'''Carter''': As Lois' father, I hate the thought of her having sex with Peter. :'''Lois''': And so do I! <hr width=50%> :'''Carl''': I asked Peter what he got on his SATs. He said "Mayonnaise." <hr width=50%> :'''Mort Goldman''': Peter's so fat and stupid, [[w:Lamar Odom|Lamar Odom]] tried to bang* him! <hr width=50%> :'''Jerome''': Peter, you're loud. Ya can't hold down a job. You got a high blood pressure. You could be [[Black people|black]] if ya didn't have such a damn tiny ding-a-ling! <small>On the season 13 DVD, "bang" is replaced with "fuck"</small> ===''[[w:Fighting Irish (Family Guy)|Fighting Irish]]''=== :'''Liam Neeson''': I have played a lion in three separate films. Peter Griffin has never played a jungle cat of any sort, not even a smallish one, like a lynx. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': You ever got your ass handed to you by a Type 2 diabetic? <hr width=50%> ''[At kindergarten, Stewie is talking to a group of children]'' :'''Stewie''': Hey, you know that old woman who lived in a shoe? She had so many children she didn't know what to do? I know what she should do: get your [[Wikipedia:Tubal ligation|tubes tied]], ya kook! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''' ''(to the set security guard)'': We're here to see Liam Neeson, the guy who wears the same long jacket in his movies. <hr width=50%> ''(Peter dresses as Mrs. Potato Head to lure Liam Neeson out, but ends up getting the attention of Colin Farrell, who pushes him down and rapes him)'' :'''Peter''' ''(as he walks away, still in the Mrs. Potato Head costume, which is now frowning and dented)'': The back is all mashed potatoes now. ===''[[w:Take My Wife (Family Guy)|Take My Wife]]''=== ''(during the "I Feel" exercise, where couples open up about how they feel by starting their sentences with "I feel...")'' :'''Lois''': I feel... unappreciated. Like you don't want to spend time with me. :'''Peter''': Okay, I feel a numbness radiating from my left arm. :'''Donna''' ''(to Cleveland)'': I ''feel'' like you should help out more around the house. :'''Cleveland''': I feel like salty and sweet. ''(to the counselor)'': You got white-chocolate French fries? :'''Kimi''' ''(to Quagmire)'': I feel like my cervix hurts. :'''Quagmire''' ''(smiles)'': I feel pride. <hr width=50%> :'''Counselor''': ''[while trying to help the couples find out more about each other]'' Peter, when's Lois' birthday? :'''Peter''': Uh, let's see. When is Hitler's birthday? :'''Counselor''': April 20th. :'''Peter''': Wow. Okay, Noel. Yikes. :'''Counselor''': Joe, what is Bonnie's favorite food? :'''Joe''': Well, she must like ground glass because I keep finding it in my food. :'''Counselor''': Cleveland- :'''Cleveland''': Pass. :'''Counselor''': Quagmire, what color are Kimi's eyes? :'''Quagmire''': Shaved. S-sorry, what is it? What was the question? ==External links== {{wikipedia|Family Guy}} [[Category:Family Guy seasons]] f1rtft3pzdy7rhh86lmpxfoi8ic4pwe 3157880 3157878 2022-08-25T16:40:40Z Ijs89000 3124205 /* Our Idiot Brian */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[Family Guy]]''''' is an animated television series created by [[Seth MacFarlane]] for [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|FOX]] in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]], production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005. :'' ''Family Guy'' and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the'' Wikimedia Foundation ''Do NOT ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, ''The Wikimedia Foundation,'' have any affiliation with 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape or form.'' :''Please read [[Family Guy/Format]] for notes on how to use and edit this article.'' ===''[[w:The Simpsons Guy|The Simpsons Guy]]''=== :'''Brian''': Looks like we're in a town called "Springfield". :'''Stewie''': Springfield, eh? What state? :'''Brian''': I can't imagine we're allowed to say. <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Oh, this Springfield place looks nice. We should visit here again. :'''Brian''': I dunno, Lois. This seems like a one-shot deal. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Don't drink the water. Everyone around here looks like they have hepatitis. <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Thank you so much for putting us up until we find our car. :'''Marge''': And thank ''you'' for not being a band of hippie murderers. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': ''[to Apu]'' Hello, funny-sounding Cleveland! <hr width=50%> :'''Homer''': Apu, a dozen donuts for our albino visitors. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Mmm. Yummy. Donut. :'''Homer''': That's pretty good, but try it like this. Mmm...donut... :'''Peter''': Mmm... donut... :'''Homer''': I think you and I are gonna get along just okay. <hr width=50%> :'''Bart''': Eat my shorts! :'''Stewie''': "Eat my shorts." I love that! Is that a popular expression like "What the deuce"? :'''Brian''': Probably more popular. <hr width=50%> :'''Moe''': Moe's Tavern, Moe speakin'. :'''Bart''': Uh, yeah, I'm looking for a friend, last name Kebum, the first name Lee. :'''Moe''': Eh, hang on, I'll check. Uh, hey, guys, do I get a Lee Kebum? C'mon, look at the stools. Is there a Lee Kebum? Somebody check the rear, I know I have a Lee Kebun. :'''Barney''': Then you probably shouldn't be handling food! <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': Hello, Moe? Your sister's bein' raped! <hr width=50%> :'''Bob Belcher''': Yeah, we did it! :'''Homer''': What's he doing here? :'''Peter''': Oh, we gotta carry him 'cause he can't fly alone. We let that other guy try and look at what happened. :'''Cleveland''': No, no, no, no, no, NO!! <hr width=50%> :''[after Homer drinks some Pawtucket Patriot Ale]'' :'''Peter''': That's pretty good, right? :'''Homer''': No. :'''Peter''': Huh? :'''Homer''': It's not good. This beer tastes exactly like Duff. It's just a lousy ripoff! :'''Peter''': Hey, whoa whoa whoa! It's not a ripoff of Duff! It may have been ''inspired'' by Duff, but I...I like to think it goes in a different direction. :'''Homer''': No, this is just the same as Duff, but, like, worse! :'''Peter''': Hey, come on, now, this is my favorite beer you're talking about! Hell, I work for the company. It's my livelihood! :'''Moe''': ''[takes the beer]'' Oh, yeah? Well, your livelihood is based on fraud. Look at this. ''[Rips off the Pawtucket Patriot Ale label, revealing the Duff Beer label underneath]'' Huh?! :'''Homer''': ''[gasps]'' IT IS DUFF!!! Your beer is in big trouble! You can't just slap a new label on something and call it your own! :'''Peter''': Well, maybe Duff should be in trouble for, you know, not being that great. :'''Homer''': ''[gasps]'' Duff is an ICON!!! :'''Peter''': Yeah, but some folks prefer Pawtucket Pat. I mean, don't get me wrong. I used to love Duff when I was younger, but, I haven't even had it in 13 years. :''[Blue Haired Lawyer appears]'' :'''Blue Haired Lawyer''': Be that as it may, I represent the Duff Brewery. And you sir, as a representative of Pawtucket Patriot Ale, are being sued for intellectual theft and patent infringement. :'''Homer''': Ah ha!! Intellectual infringement. What do you have to say about that Griffin!?! :'''Peter''': D'oh!!! <hr width=50%> :'''Judge''': I've heard all I need to hear to make a decision. ''[The camera switches to the judge, who is revealed to be Fred Flintstone]'' :'''Fred Flintstone''': If you ask me, neither of these beers is wholly original. They're both pale imitations of my favorite beer, Bud Rock. :'''Peter''': Oh-ho-ho! :'''Homer''': Ooh! :'''Fred Flintstone''': But rendering a verdict is something I'm paid to YABBA DABBA DOOOOO!!!!! :'''Homer and Peter''': Eh. :'''Fred Flintstone''': And I find in favor of Duff!!! :'''Lois''': Oh, no!!!! :'''Meg''': Oh, no!!! :'''Peter''': Oh, no!!! :''[Peter and Lois look towards a nearby wall, expecting the Kool-Aid guy to crash through the wall and say "Oh, Yeah!". Suddenly, Peter's cellphone starts ringing.]'' :'''Peter''': ''[Answers his cellphone]'' Hello. :''[Scene shifts to the Kool-Aid guy, who has crashed through the wall of a courthouse in a different Springfield]'' :'''Kool-Aid Guy''': Uh, hey. I'm... I'm in the wrong Springfield. <hr width=50%> :'''Homer''': Hey, knock it off! There's a kid back there! :'''Ralph''': Heh-heh, I'm in danger. <hr width=50%> :'''Krusty''': Remember, kids. TV violence is fine as long as you don't show a nipple. <hr width=50%> :'''Kodos''': Perfect, the Earthlings are destroying themselves. :'''Roger''': Yeah, it's great, isn't it, guys? ''[to the camera]'' We went to summer camp together. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': It appears that I am now the only one with radioactive powers, which will allow me to unleash my fury... ''[the radioactivity wears off]'' Oh, I talked too long. <hr width=50%> :''[Homer attempts to choke Peter]'' :'''Peter''': Ow! What the hell? That hurts! :'''Homer''': No, it doesn't! I do it to my son all the time! :'''Peter''': You strangle your son? That's insane! No wonder he's fat and stupid and masturbates all the time! :'''Homer''': That's [[w:Chris Griffin|your]] son! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': ''[Homer throws multiple Emmys at Peter, who dodges them]'' Hey, that's not fair! I don't have any of them! <hr width=50%> :''[the spaceship jumps over Springfield Gorge]'' :'''Peter''': We're gonna make it! :'''Homer''': Trust me, we're not. <hr width=50%> :''[Homer is trying to kill Peter]'' :'''Homer''': Say "hi" to '''[[w:Maude Flanders|Maude Flanders]]'''! :'''Peter''': No, you say "hi" to '''Muriel Goldman'''! :'''Homer''': Who? :''[Peter's running, and finally, the spaceship falls to Homer]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Comic Book Guy''': Worst chicken fight ever. ===''[[w:The Book of Joe|The Book of Joe]]''=== :'''Brian''': Could you close the gate? A couple o' calves got loose. Pow! <hr width=50%> :'''Parent''': You're awful! :'''Peter''': Applause is customary. ===''[[w:Baking Bad|Baking Bad]]''=== :''[following a tricycle-Big Wheel accident]'' :'''Boy''': We should probably exchange numbers. :'''Stewie''': Okay, I'm a 10, you're a 4. <hr width=50%> :'''Tom Tucker''': Coming up: Local newsman shows a camera operator how to center a shot. <hr width=50%> :'''Mosquito''': Hi, I'm the new nurse. :'''Lois''': Get outta here. The blood's not for you. :'''Mosquito''': Aww. Oh, look, an empty tire with some water in it. All right, I'm happy again. ===''[[w:Brian the Closer|Brian the Closer]]''=== :''[Brian is reluctantly showing Bonnie a house]'' :'''Brian''': Bonnie, I still don't get why you want to see this house. The foundation is totally out of whack. I mean, the whole house is slanting down to that cliff over there. :'''Bonnie''': Uh-huh. Can you open the sliding door? ''[Brian complies as Bonnie releases a wheelchair with a large bag of potatoes acting as weight. The wheelchair rolls easily through the door and smashes on the rocks below the cliff]'' I'll take it. <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Now remember, Brian's very self-conscious about how he looks, so let's try to be supportive. Brian. Dinner. ===''[[w:Turkey Guys|Turkey Guys]]''=== :'''Lois''': Peter, we have people coming over and they're expecting a turkey! :'''Peter''': If they're expecting a turkey, I'll just put on ''[[Evan Almighty]]''! Zap! <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Chris, are Brian and your father back yet? :'''Chris''': No, and why are you saying the dog's name before Dad's? :'''Stewie''': It's weird. Y...yeah, you're right, that is weird. <hr width=50%> :''[Lois and Joe watch Kevin and his little person girlfriend have sex outside]'' :'''Lois''': Oh, my God, it looks like he's chalking up a pool cue! <hr width=50%> :''[Peter and Brian are listening to "Meet Virginia" by [[w:Train (band)|Train]] on the radio in Brian's car]'' :'''Peter''': Brian, I love Train. :'''Brian''': I fucking love Train. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter has saved the Thanksgiving turkey from the bottom of a lake, while Brian has just got out of the water by himself]'' :'''Brian''': Peter, what the hell? You chose a turkey over me? I almost died! :'''Peter''': I swear to God, I thought dogs could breathe underwater. ===''[[w:The 2000-Year-Old Virgin|The 2000-Year-Old Virgin]]''=== :'''Joe''': Hey, do you think if I let Jesus sleep with Bonnie, he'd give me back the use of my legs? :'''Peter''': Joe, I don't speak for Jesus, I just get him trim. <hr width=“50%”/> :'''Jesus''': Lois, it seems like you learned the lesson I intended. :'''Peter''': What lesson? :'''Jesus''': Oh, you know, uh... That... this holiest of days is about... uh... appreciating our loved ones and, uh... resisting temptation. :'''Lois''': Oh, so it was a test. Like when your Father told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. :'''Jesus''': Yes, that! That’s exactly right. Uh, well... I can see my work here is done... :'''Peter''': Well taught, Jesus. Well taught. :'''Jesus''': Yeah, I guess, who cares, I’m not even real. Merry Christmas. ===''[[w:Stewie, Chris, & Brian's Excellent Adventure|Stewie, Chris, & Brian's Excellent Adventure]]''=== :'''Rupert''': Hey, everybody, just so you know, I'm straight! <hr width=50%> :'''1st German Soldier''': Heil Hooters! :'''Otto''': Careful, it might be a "booby-trap". <hr width=50%> :''[observing the Titanic sinking firsthand]'' :'''Chris''': This would make a great movie. ===''[[w:Our Idiot Brian|Our Idiot Brian]]''=== :'''Brian''': I mean I was having fun, making new friends, getting laid all the time, sleeping like a rock, but you made the call. You unilaterally decided I was better off as a bitter alcoholic failure who could only hang out with a baby. :'''[[w:Stewie Griffin|Stewie]]''': Hey! We have fun. <hr width=50%> :'''Ruth''': Your mom's so hot! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Well, there's only one thing we can do: shrink down to microscopic size, go into Brian's brain and destroy the tumor from within. ''[[Peter grabs a shrink ray and reduces himself down to microscopic size, but then resizes six seconds later]]'' ===''[[w:This Little Piggy (Family Guy)|This Little Piggy]]''=== :''[Cassandra leads Brian and Stewie back to her tent for a three-way]'' :'''Stewie''': Alright, let's lay some ground rules here. You take her left side, I'll take her right. :'''Brian''': What? Uh, how about top and bottom or front and back? :'''Stewie''': How about I take head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes? :'''Brian''': Okay, you can have those. :'''Stewie''': You just gave away the store mister. <hr width=50%?> :'''Dr. Finklestein''': ''[discovers cash in the dead man's billfold]'' It's a five! A five! <hr width=50%?> :'''Meg''': All right. See you later. :'''Lois''': Where are you off to? :'''Meg''': Actually, I met a photographer at Stewie's school yesterday, and he wants me to model for him. :''[Peter pulls his ears to rip them off, and they come out when he does, causing blood to come out]'' :'''Peter''': ''[showing his ears he ripped off to Lois]'' Lois, please send these back to the factory. I believe they're defective. :'''Lois''': Oh my God, Peter, did you just rip your own ears off? :'''Peter''': It was the easiest way to let her know the news was ridiculous. ''[Collapses]'' ===''[[w:Quagmire's Mom|Quagmire's Mom]]''=== :'''Stewie''': ''[whispering to Brian]'' Dairy Queen closes in ten minutes. <hr width=50%> :'''Judge''': I have no choice but to sentence you to 20 years in prison! :''[Judge bangs his gavel, everyone gasps]'' :'''Female Voice''': Oh no you don't! :''[everyone looks to the courtroom to discover an elderly woman at the door]'' :'''Quagmire''': Mom? :'''All the men in the courtroom''': Crystal? <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': ''[singing through microphone after waiting really long about throwing up in the sink]'' ''Out here in the fields…'' You know, that was me. I was the one who threw up in the sink. ===''[[w:Encyclopedia Griffin|Encyclopedia Griffin]]''=== :'''Lois''': Peter, are you just trying to take a knee until the end of the show? Peter, that's not gonna work, you can't just... <hr width=50%> :'''Chris''': It's made of Skittles! You want to eat the baby together on the way home? :'''Lois''': Yeah, I'd like that. ===''Stewie Is Enceinte''=== :'''Peter''': Now, what are the ingredients to a viral internet video? :'''Joe''': Cats. <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': I have a such craving for burgers. It's like my body is just craving red meat, and mint chip ice cream and only mint chip. Any other ice creams makes me want to puke. Is that weird? :'''Brian''': Yes, Stewie. That's the one weird thing in all this. <hr width=50%> :'''[[Adam West]]''': ''[observing Stewie giving birth in Brian's car]'' Mazel tov! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Remember how everyone liked that video of the [[wikipedia:Monkey|monkey]] performing a sex act on that [[wikipedia:Frog|frog]] at the zoo? :'''Joe''': You mean ''that'' frog? :'''Peter''': What? :'''Joe''': The frog in the miniskirt putting a quarter in the jukebox. ''[A female frog in a blonde wig and crop top puts a quarter in the jukebox and starts dancing seductively to [[wikipedia:Bon Jovi|Bon Jovi]]'s [[wikipedia:You Give Love A Bad Name (song)|You Give Love A Bad Name]] while a group of male monkeys look on]'' :'''Peter''': ''[filming on his phone]'' Bingo. :'''Joe''': ''[with a worried expression]'' I'm concerned that frog's in more danger than she realizes. ===''Dr. C and the Women''=== :''[Peter takes Lois golfing]'' :'''Lois''': So...so what do I do? Just aim for the pond? :'''Peter''': No, you're not supposed to hit it into the water. :'''Lois''': But you hit it into the water. :'''Peter''': ''[exasperated]'' I know I hit it into the water. :'''Lois''': But why do they even have water if you're not supposed to hit it there? :'''Peter''': BECAUSE IT'S FUN! WE'RE HAVING FUN! ''[growling in frustration, he furiously throws his bag of clubs]'' :'''Lois''': Look! It went further than your ball! <hr width=50%> :''[Lois and Cleveland finish a therapy session and return to the lobby where Peter is waiting]'' :'''Peter''': Get all of her squawking out, doc? :'''Cleveland''': Oh, I think we got to the root of the problem. Didn't we, Lois? :'''Lois''': Absolutely. :'''Peter''': Alright! Let's dope her up good. Turn that mouth off. <hr width=50%> :'''TSA Agent''': There you are. Listen up, Meg. This TSA isn't sweaty enough for the two of us. :'''Meg''': What? What does that even mean? :'''TSA Agent''': It means stay away from Larry. I'm his girlfriend. :'''Meg''': You are? Oh, my God, I thought you were a boy. <hr width=50%> ''[Outback Steakhouse Extreme commercial]'' :'''Announcer''': Hey! Are you a big fat bastard who loves eating at an outback steakhouse but thinks the portions are too small? Well, good news, fatass! 'Cause now there's the Outback Steakhouse Extreme! We don't have a blooming onion, we have a blooming...''[squish!]'' pumpkin! You know what else we've got? ''[crash!]'' Elephant steaks! Fifty-pound elephant steaks! And why don't you wash it down out with forty ounces of malt liquor and ranch dressing, ya fat fuck? Outback Steakhouse Extreme: PUNISH YOUR TOILET! ===''#JOLO''=== :'''Joe''': Peter, be careful up there. :''[Peter flips Joe the bird]'' :'''Peter''': Is this being careful enough, Joe? <hr width=50%> :''[Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland are being swept towards the American Falls, one of the three waterfalls making up Niagara Falls]'' :'''Peter''': ''[to Quagmire and Cleveland]'' Guys, keep swallowing water. We'll drink our way out of this! ===''Once Bitten''=== :'''TV Announcer: We now return to yet another lndiana Jones movie. :'''Man''': (hisses) Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes? :'''Snake''': Elderly potheads. Why did it have to be elderly potheads? :'''Brian''': Is everyone warm in here? Is it warm? :'''Lois''': Brian, are you feeling all right? :'''Brian''': Yeah, I'm fine. It just seems kind of... (retching loudly) :'''Lois''': Oh, my God! :'''Peter''': Oh, Lois, your dog threw up. :'''Lois''': Peter, Brian's clearly not feeling well. You got to take him to the vet. :'''Meg''': Unbelievable! Brian throws up once, and you rush him to the vet. I was throwing up all night last night. :'''Peter''': Good start. Keep it up, snack pack. :'''Brian''': (chuckles) (retching loudly) :'''Lois''': Peter, you got to take him now! :'''Brian''': Lois, it's probably just something I ate. I'm fine. Really. I got more energy than a cruise ship conga line. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Alright, Brian, it's time for you to take one of these pills from the vet. :'''Brian''': Uh, yeah, right. Can we do what we normally where we normally roll it up in a piece of cheese like you're fooling me? :'''Peter''': Yeah, I guess. <hr width=50%> :'''Brian''': Peter, get away from my ass! <hr width=50%> :'''Neil''': ''[to Meg sadly]'' I'm sorry, but my friendship with Chris, is more important. :'''Meg''': You're a JERK, Neil! ''[Meg turns around angrily and runs away]'' <hr width=50%> ''[Peter, [[Drunkenness|drunk]], throws potatoes at Cleveland's house]'' :'''Peter''': ''[slurring words]'' This is 'cause I'm drunk! :'''Cleveland''': Move out, [[Irish]] trash! ===''Roasted Guy''=== :''[Joe introduces Quagmire as roastmaster]'' :'''Quagmire''': Thanks you, thank you, thank you very much. Joe, I'd tell you to take your seat, but I'd be about 15 years too late. <hr width=50%> :'''Quagmire''': Well first off, Peter's always been special. In high school, he didn't play sports, but he did wear a helmet. <hr width=50%> :'''Quagmire''': But I gotta say the worst part about being Peter's friend is knowing that eventually you're gonna have to be the fatass' pallbearer. Lift with the legs, right fellas? <hr width=50%> :'''Cleveland''': Peter's got a small penis. But, hey, nuthin' grows in the shade! <hr width=50%> :'''Carter''': As Lois' father, I hate the thought of her having sex with Peter. :'''Lois''': And so do I! <hr width=50%> :'''Carl''': I asked Peter what he got on his SATs. He said "Mayonnaise." <hr width=50%> :'''Mort Goldman''': Peter's so fat and stupid, [[w:Lamar Odom|Lamar Odom]] tried to bang* him! <hr width=50%> :'''Jerome''': Peter, you're loud. Ya can't hold down a job. You got a high blood pressure. You could be [[Black people|black]] if ya didn't have such a damn tiny ding-a-ling! <small>On the season 13 DVD, "bang" is replaced with "fuck"</small> ===''[[w:Fighting Irish (Family Guy)|Fighting Irish]]''=== :'''Liam Neeson''': I have played a lion in three separate films. Peter Griffin has never played a jungle cat of any sort, not even a smallish one, like a lynx. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': You ever got your ass handed to you by a Type 2 diabetic? <hr width=50%> ''[At kindergarten, Stewie is talking to a group of children]'' :'''Stewie''': Hey, you know that old woman who lived in a shoe? She had so many children she didn't know what to do? I know what she should do: get your [[Wikipedia:Tubal ligation|tubes tied]], ya kook! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''' ''(to the set security guard)'': We're here to see Liam Neeson, the guy who wears the same long jacket in his movies. <hr width=50%> ''(Peter dresses as Mrs. Potato Head to lure Liam Neeson out, but ends up getting the attention of Colin Farrell, who pushes him down and rapes him)'' :'''Peter''' ''(as he walks away, still in the Mrs. Potato Head costume, which is now frowning and dented)'': The back is all mashed potatoes now. ===''[[w:Take My Wife (Family Guy)|Take My Wife]]''=== ''(during the "I Feel" exercise, where couples open up about how they feel by starting their sentences with "I feel...")'' :'''Lois''': I feel... unappreciated. Like you don't want to spend time with me. :'''Peter''': Okay, I feel a numbness radiating from my left arm. :'''Donna''' ''(to Cleveland)'': I ''feel'' like you should help out more around the house. :'''Cleveland''': I feel like salty and sweet. ''(to the counselor)'': You got white-chocolate French fries? :'''Kimi''' ''(to Quagmire)'': I feel like my cervix hurts. :'''Quagmire''' ''(smiles)'': I feel pride. <hr width=50%> :'''Counselor''': ''[while trying to help the couples find out more about each other]'' Peter, when's Lois' birthday? :'''Peter''': Uh, let's see. When is Hitler's birthday? :'''Counselor''': April 20th. :'''Peter''': Wow. Okay, Noel. Yikes. :'''Counselor''': Joe, what is Bonnie's favorite food? :'''Joe''': Well, she must like ground glass because I keep finding it in my food. :'''Counselor''': Cleveland- :'''Cleveland''': Pass. :'''Counselor''': Quagmire, what color are Kimi's eyes? :'''Quagmire''': Shaved. S-sorry, what is it? What was the question? ==External links== {{wikipedia|Family Guy}} [[Category:Family Guy seasons]] mtmug96v7srvydhof7fsbhfxjtf2qrt 3157881 3157880 2022-08-25T16:41:26Z Ijs89000 3124205 /* Our Idiot Brian */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[Family Guy]]''''' is an animated television series created by [[Seth MacFarlane]] for [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|FOX]] in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]], production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005. :'' ''Family Guy'' and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the'' Wikimedia Foundation ''Do NOT ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, ''The Wikimedia Foundation,'' have any affiliation with 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape or form.'' :''Please read [[Family Guy/Format]] for notes on how to use and edit this article.'' ===''[[w:The Simpsons Guy|The Simpsons Guy]]''=== :'''Brian''': Looks like we're in a town called "Springfield". :'''Stewie''': Springfield, eh? What state? :'''Brian''': I can't imagine we're allowed to say. <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Oh, this Springfield place looks nice. We should visit here again. :'''Brian''': I dunno, Lois. This seems like a one-shot deal. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Don't drink the water. Everyone around here looks like they have hepatitis. <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Thank you so much for putting us up until we find our car. :'''Marge''': And thank ''you'' for not being a band of hippie murderers. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': ''[to Apu]'' Hello, funny-sounding Cleveland! <hr width=50%> :'''Homer''': Apu, a dozen donuts for our albino visitors. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Mmm. Yummy. Donut. :'''Homer''': That's pretty good, but try it like this. Mmm...donut... :'''Peter''': Mmm... donut... :'''Homer''': I think you and I are gonna get along just okay. <hr width=50%> :'''Bart''': Eat my shorts! :'''Stewie''': "Eat my shorts." I love that! Is that a popular expression like "What the deuce"? :'''Brian''': Probably more popular. <hr width=50%> :'''Moe''': Moe's Tavern, Moe speakin'. :'''Bart''': Uh, yeah, I'm looking for a friend, last name Kebum, the first name Lee. :'''Moe''': Eh, hang on, I'll check. Uh, hey, guys, do I get a Lee Kebum? C'mon, look at the stools. Is there a Lee Kebum? Somebody check the rear, I know I have a Lee Kebun. :'''Barney''': Then you probably shouldn't be handling food! <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': Hello, Moe? Your sister's bein' raped! <hr width=50%> :'''Bob Belcher''': Yeah, we did it! :'''Homer''': What's he doing here? :'''Peter''': Oh, we gotta carry him 'cause he can't fly alone. We let that other guy try and look at what happened. :'''Cleveland''': No, no, no, no, no, NO!! <hr width=50%> :''[after Homer drinks some Pawtucket Patriot Ale]'' :'''Peter''': That's pretty good, right? :'''Homer''': No. :'''Peter''': Huh? :'''Homer''': It's not good. This beer tastes exactly like Duff. It's just a lousy ripoff! :'''Peter''': Hey, whoa whoa whoa! It's not a ripoff of Duff! It may have been ''inspired'' by Duff, but I...I like to think it goes in a different direction. :'''Homer''': No, this is just the same as Duff, but, like, worse! :'''Peter''': Hey, come on, now, this is my favorite beer you're talking about! Hell, I work for the company. It's my livelihood! :'''Moe''': ''[takes the beer]'' Oh, yeah? Well, your livelihood is based on fraud. Look at this. ''[Rips off the Pawtucket Patriot Ale label, revealing the Duff Beer label underneath]'' Huh?! :'''Homer''': ''[gasps]'' IT IS DUFF!!! Your beer is in big trouble! You can't just slap a new label on something and call it your own! :'''Peter''': Well, maybe Duff should be in trouble for, you know, not being that great. :'''Homer''': ''[gasps]'' Duff is an ICON!!! :'''Peter''': Yeah, but some folks prefer Pawtucket Pat. I mean, don't get me wrong. I used to love Duff when I was younger, but, I haven't even had it in 13 years. :''[Blue Haired Lawyer appears]'' :'''Blue Haired Lawyer''': Be that as it may, I represent the Duff Brewery. And you sir, as a representative of Pawtucket Patriot Ale, are being sued for intellectual theft and patent infringement. :'''Homer''': Ah ha!! Intellectual infringement. What do you have to say about that Griffin!?! :'''Peter''': D'oh!!! <hr width=50%> :'''Judge''': I've heard all I need to hear to make a decision. ''[The camera switches to the judge, who is revealed to be Fred Flintstone]'' :'''Fred Flintstone''': If you ask me, neither of these beers is wholly original. They're both pale imitations of my favorite beer, Bud Rock. :'''Peter''': Oh-ho-ho! :'''Homer''': Ooh! :'''Fred Flintstone''': But rendering a verdict is something I'm paid to YABBA DABBA DOOOOO!!!!! :'''Homer and Peter''': Eh. :'''Fred Flintstone''': And I find in favor of Duff!!! :'''Lois''': Oh, no!!!! :'''Meg''': Oh, no!!! :'''Peter''': Oh, no!!! :''[Peter and Lois look towards a nearby wall, expecting the Kool-Aid guy to crash through the wall and say "Oh, Yeah!". Suddenly, Peter's cellphone starts ringing.]'' :'''Peter''': ''[Answers his cellphone]'' Hello. :''[Scene shifts to the Kool-Aid guy, who has crashed through the wall of a courthouse in a different Springfield]'' :'''Kool-Aid Guy''': Uh, hey. I'm... I'm in the wrong Springfield. <hr width=50%> :'''Homer''': Hey, knock it off! There's a kid back there! :'''Ralph''': Heh-heh, I'm in danger. <hr width=50%> :'''Krusty''': Remember, kids. TV violence is fine as long as you don't show a nipple. <hr width=50%> :'''Kodos''': Perfect, the Earthlings are destroying themselves. :'''Roger''': Yeah, it's great, isn't it, guys? ''[to the camera]'' We went to summer camp together. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': It appears that I am now the only one with radioactive powers, which will allow me to unleash my fury... ''[the radioactivity wears off]'' Oh, I talked too long. <hr width=50%> :''[Homer attempts to choke Peter]'' :'''Peter''': Ow! What the hell? That hurts! :'''Homer''': No, it doesn't! I do it to my son all the time! :'''Peter''': You strangle your son? That's insane! No wonder he's fat and stupid and masturbates all the time! :'''Homer''': That's [[w:Chris Griffin|your]] son! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': ''[Homer throws multiple Emmys at Peter, who dodges them]'' Hey, that's not fair! I don't have any of them! <hr width=50%> :''[the spaceship jumps over Springfield Gorge]'' :'''Peter''': We're gonna make it! :'''Homer''': Trust me, we're not. <hr width=50%> :''[Homer is trying to kill Peter]'' :'''Homer''': Say "hi" to '''[[w:Maude Flanders|Maude Flanders]]'''! :'''Peter''': No, you say "hi" to '''Muriel Goldman'''! :'''Homer''': Who? :''[Peter's running, and finally, the spaceship falls to Homer]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Comic Book Guy''': Worst chicken fight ever. ===''[[w:The Book of Joe|The Book of Joe]]''=== :'''Brian''': Could you close the gate? A couple o' calves got loose. Pow! <hr width=50%> :'''Parent''': You're awful! :'''Peter''': Applause is customary. ===''[[w:Baking Bad|Baking Bad]]''=== :''[following a tricycle-Big Wheel accident]'' :'''Boy''': We should probably exchange numbers. :'''Stewie''': Okay, I'm a 10, you're a 4. <hr width=50%> :'''Tom Tucker''': Coming up: Local newsman shows a camera operator how to center a shot. <hr width=50%> :'''Mosquito''': Hi, I'm the new nurse. :'''Lois''': Get outta here. The blood's not for you. :'''Mosquito''': Aww. Oh, look, an empty tire with some water in it. All right, I'm happy again. ===''[[w:Brian the Closer|Brian the Closer]]''=== :''[Brian is reluctantly showing Bonnie a house]'' :'''Brian''': Bonnie, I still don't get why you want to see this house. The foundation is totally out of whack. I mean, the whole house is slanting down to that cliff over there. :'''Bonnie''': Uh-huh. Can you open the sliding door? ''[Brian complies as Bonnie releases a wheelchair with a large bag of potatoes acting as weight. The wheelchair rolls easily through the door and smashes on the rocks below the cliff]'' I'll take it. <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Now remember, Brian's very self-conscious about how he looks, so let's try to be supportive. Brian. Dinner. ===''[[w:Turkey Guys|Turkey Guys]]''=== :'''Lois''': Peter, we have people coming over and they're expecting a turkey! :'''Peter''': If they're expecting a turkey, I'll just put on ''[[Evan Almighty]]''! Zap! <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Chris, are Brian and your father back yet? :'''Chris''': No, and why are you saying the dog's name before Dad's? :'''Stewie''': It's weird. Y...yeah, you're right, that is weird. <hr width=50%> :''[Lois and Joe watch Kevin and his little person girlfriend have sex outside]'' :'''Lois''': Oh, my God, it looks like he's chalking up a pool cue! <hr width=50%> :''[Peter and Brian are listening to "Meet Virginia" by [[w:Train (band)|Train]] on the radio in Brian's car]'' :'''Peter''': Brian, I love Train. :'''Brian''': I fucking love Train. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter has saved the Thanksgiving turkey from the bottom of a lake, while Brian has just got out of the water by himself]'' :'''Brian''': Peter, what the hell? You chose a turkey over me? I almost died! :'''Peter''': I swear to God, I thought dogs could breathe underwater. ===''[[w:The 2000-Year-Old Virgin|The 2000-Year-Old Virgin]]''=== :'''Joe''': Hey, do you think if I let Jesus sleep with Bonnie, he'd give me back the use of my legs? :'''Peter''': Joe, I don't speak for Jesus, I just get him trim. <hr width=“50%”/> :'''Jesus''': Lois, it seems like you learned the lesson I intended. :'''Peter''': What lesson? :'''Jesus''': Oh, you know, uh... That... this holiest of days is about... uh... appreciating our loved ones and, uh... resisting temptation. :'''Lois''': Oh, so it was a test. Like when your Father told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. :'''Jesus''': Yes, that! That’s exactly right. Uh, well... I can see my work here is done... :'''Peter''': Well taught, Jesus. Well taught. :'''Jesus''': Yeah, I guess, who cares, I’m not even real. Merry Christmas. ===''[[w:Stewie, Chris, & Brian's Excellent Adventure|Stewie, Chris, & Brian's Excellent Adventure]]''=== :'''Rupert''': Hey, everybody, just so you know, I'm straight! <hr width=50%> :'''1st German Soldier''': Heil Hooters! :'''Otto''': Careful, it might be a "booby-trap". <hr width=50%> :''[observing the Titanic sinking firsthand]'' :'''Chris''': This would make a great movie. ===''[[w:Our Idiot Brian|Our Idiot Brian]]''=== :'''Brian''': I mean I was having fun, making new friends, getting laid all the time, sleeping like a rock, but you made the call. You unilaterally decided I was better off as a bitter alcoholic failure who could only hang out with a baby. :'''[[w:Stewie Griffin|Stewie]]''': Hey! We have fun. <hr width=50%> :'''Ruth''': Your mom's so hot! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Well, there's only one thing we can do: shrink down to microscopic size, go into Brian's brain and destroy the tumor from within. ''[Peter grabs a shrink ray and reduces himself down to microscopic size, but then resizes six seconds later]'' I was raped by a bug. ===''[[w:This Little Piggy (Family Guy)|This Little Piggy]]''=== :''[Cassandra leads Brian and Stewie back to her tent for a three-way]'' :'''Stewie''': Alright, let's lay some ground rules here. You take her left side, I'll take her right. :'''Brian''': What? Uh, how about top and bottom or front and back? :'''Stewie''': How about I take head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes? :'''Brian''': Okay, you can have those. :'''Stewie''': You just gave away the store mister. <hr width=50%?> :'''Dr. Finklestein''': ''[discovers cash in the dead man's billfold]'' It's a five! A five! <hr width=50%?> :'''Meg''': All right. See you later. :'''Lois''': Where are you off to? :'''Meg''': Actually, I met a photographer at Stewie's school yesterday, and he wants me to model for him. :''[Peter pulls his ears to rip them off, and they come out when he does, causing blood to come out]'' :'''Peter''': ''[showing his ears he ripped off to Lois]'' Lois, please send these back to the factory. I believe they're defective. :'''Lois''': Oh my God, Peter, did you just rip your own ears off? :'''Peter''': It was the easiest way to let her know the news was ridiculous. ''[Collapses]'' ===''[[w:Quagmire's Mom|Quagmire's Mom]]''=== :'''Stewie''': ''[whispering to Brian]'' Dairy Queen closes in ten minutes. <hr width=50%> :'''Judge''': I have no choice but to sentence you to 20 years in prison! :''[Judge bangs his gavel, everyone gasps]'' :'''Female Voice''': Oh no you don't! :''[everyone looks to the courtroom to discover an elderly woman at the door]'' :'''Quagmire''': Mom? :'''All the men in the courtroom''': Crystal? <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': ''[singing through microphone after waiting really long about throwing up in the sink]'' ''Out here in the fields…'' You know, that was me. I was the one who threw up in the sink. ===''[[w:Encyclopedia Griffin|Encyclopedia Griffin]]''=== :'''Lois''': Peter, are you just trying to take a knee until the end of the show? Peter, that's not gonna work, you can't just... <hr width=50%> :'''Chris''': It's made of Skittles! You want to eat the baby together on the way home? :'''Lois''': Yeah, I'd like that. ===''Stewie Is Enceinte''=== :'''Peter''': Now, what are the ingredients to a viral internet video? :'''Joe''': Cats. <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': I have a such craving for burgers. It's like my body is just craving red meat, and mint chip ice cream and only mint chip. Any other ice creams makes me want to puke. Is that weird? :'''Brian''': Yes, Stewie. That's the one weird thing in all this. <hr width=50%> :'''[[Adam West]]''': ''[observing Stewie giving birth in Brian's car]'' Mazel tov! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Remember how everyone liked that video of the [[wikipedia:Monkey|monkey]] performing a sex act on that [[wikipedia:Frog|frog]] at the zoo? :'''Joe''': You mean ''that'' frog? :'''Peter''': What? :'''Joe''': The frog in the miniskirt putting a quarter in the jukebox. ''[A female frog in a blonde wig and crop top puts a quarter in the jukebox and starts dancing seductively to [[wikipedia:Bon Jovi|Bon Jovi]]'s [[wikipedia:You Give Love A Bad Name (song)|You Give Love A Bad Name]] while a group of male monkeys look on]'' :'''Peter''': ''[filming on his phone]'' Bingo. :'''Joe''': ''[with a worried expression]'' I'm concerned that frog's in more danger than she realizes. ===''Dr. C and the Women''=== :''[Peter takes Lois golfing]'' :'''Lois''': So...so what do I do? Just aim for the pond? :'''Peter''': No, you're not supposed to hit it into the water. :'''Lois''': But you hit it into the water. :'''Peter''': ''[exasperated]'' I know I hit it into the water. :'''Lois''': But why do they even have water if you're not supposed to hit it there? :'''Peter''': BECAUSE IT'S FUN! WE'RE HAVING FUN! ''[growling in frustration, he furiously throws his bag of clubs]'' :'''Lois''': Look! It went further than your ball! <hr width=50%> :''[Lois and Cleveland finish a therapy session and return to the lobby where Peter is waiting]'' :'''Peter''': Get all of her squawking out, doc? :'''Cleveland''': Oh, I think we got to the root of the problem. Didn't we, Lois? :'''Lois''': Absolutely. :'''Peter''': Alright! Let's dope her up good. Turn that mouth off. <hr width=50%> :'''TSA Agent''': There you are. Listen up, Meg. This TSA isn't sweaty enough for the two of us. :'''Meg''': What? What does that even mean? :'''TSA Agent''': It means stay away from Larry. I'm his girlfriend. :'''Meg''': You are? Oh, my God, I thought you were a boy. <hr width=50%> ''[Outback Steakhouse Extreme commercial]'' :'''Announcer''': Hey! Are you a big fat bastard who loves eating at an outback steakhouse but thinks the portions are too small? Well, good news, fatass! 'Cause now there's the Outback Steakhouse Extreme! We don't have a blooming onion, we have a blooming...''[squish!]'' pumpkin! You know what else we've got? ''[crash!]'' Elephant steaks! Fifty-pound elephant steaks! And why don't you wash it down out with forty ounces of malt liquor and ranch dressing, ya fat fuck? Outback Steakhouse Extreme: PUNISH YOUR TOILET! ===''#JOLO''=== :'''Joe''': Peter, be careful up there. :''[Peter flips Joe the bird]'' :'''Peter''': Is this being careful enough, Joe? <hr width=50%> :''[Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland are being swept towards the American Falls, one of the three waterfalls making up Niagara Falls]'' :'''Peter''': ''[to Quagmire and Cleveland]'' Guys, keep swallowing water. We'll drink our way out of this! ===''Once Bitten''=== :'''TV Announcer: We now return to yet another lndiana Jones movie. :'''Man''': (hisses) Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes? :'''Snake''': Elderly potheads. Why did it have to be elderly potheads? :'''Brian''': Is everyone warm in here? Is it warm? :'''Lois''': Brian, are you feeling all right? :'''Brian''': Yeah, I'm fine. It just seems kind of... (retching loudly) :'''Lois''': Oh, my God! :'''Peter''': Oh, Lois, your dog threw up. :'''Lois''': Peter, Brian's clearly not feeling well. You got to take him to the vet. :'''Meg''': Unbelievable! Brian throws up once, and you rush him to the vet. I was throwing up all night last night. :'''Peter''': Good start. Keep it up, snack pack. :'''Brian''': (chuckles) (retching loudly) :'''Lois''': Peter, you got to take him now! :'''Brian''': Lois, it's probably just something I ate. I'm fine. Really. I got more energy than a cruise ship conga line. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Alright, Brian, it's time for you to take one of these pills from the vet. :'''Brian''': Uh, yeah, right. Can we do what we normally where we normally roll it up in a piece of cheese like you're fooling me? :'''Peter''': Yeah, I guess. <hr width=50%> :'''Brian''': Peter, get away from my ass! <hr width=50%> :'''Neil''': ''[to Meg sadly]'' I'm sorry, but my friendship with Chris, is more important. :'''Meg''': You're a JERK, Neil! ''[Meg turns around angrily and runs away]'' <hr width=50%> ''[Peter, [[Drunkenness|drunk]], throws potatoes at Cleveland's house]'' :'''Peter''': ''[slurring words]'' This is 'cause I'm drunk! :'''Cleveland''': Move out, [[Irish]] trash! ===''Roasted Guy''=== :''[Joe introduces Quagmire as roastmaster]'' :'''Quagmire''': Thanks you, thank you, thank you very much. Joe, I'd tell you to take your seat, but I'd be about 15 years too late. <hr width=50%> :'''Quagmire''': Well first off, Peter's always been special. In high school, he didn't play sports, but he did wear a helmet. <hr width=50%> :'''Quagmire''': But I gotta say the worst part about being Peter's friend is knowing that eventually you're gonna have to be the fatass' pallbearer. Lift with the legs, right fellas? <hr width=50%> :'''Cleveland''': Peter's got a small penis. But, hey, nuthin' grows in the shade! <hr width=50%> :'''Carter''': As Lois' father, I hate the thought of her having sex with Peter. :'''Lois''': And so do I! <hr width=50%> :'''Carl''': I asked Peter what he got on his SATs. He said "Mayonnaise." <hr width=50%> :'''Mort Goldman''': Peter's so fat and stupid, [[w:Lamar Odom|Lamar Odom]] tried to bang* him! <hr width=50%> :'''Jerome''': Peter, you're loud. Ya can't hold down a job. You got a high blood pressure. You could be [[Black people|black]] if ya didn't have such a damn tiny ding-a-ling! <small>On the season 13 DVD, "bang" is replaced with "fuck"</small> ===''[[w:Fighting Irish (Family Guy)|Fighting Irish]]''=== :'''Liam Neeson''': I have played a lion in three separate films. Peter Griffin has never played a jungle cat of any sort, not even a smallish one, like a lynx. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': You ever got your ass handed to you by a Type 2 diabetic? <hr width=50%> ''[At kindergarten, Stewie is talking to a group of children]'' :'''Stewie''': Hey, you know that old woman who lived in a shoe? She had so many children she didn't know what to do? I know what she should do: get your [[Wikipedia:Tubal ligation|tubes tied]], ya kook! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''' ''(to the set security guard)'': We're here to see Liam Neeson, the guy who wears the same long jacket in his movies. <hr width=50%> ''(Peter dresses as Mrs. Potato Head to lure Liam Neeson out, but ends up getting the attention of Colin Farrell, who pushes him down and rapes him)'' :'''Peter''' ''(as he walks away, still in the Mrs. Potato Head costume, which is now frowning and dented)'': The back is all mashed potatoes now. ===''[[w:Take My Wife (Family Guy)|Take My Wife]]''=== ''(during the "I Feel" exercise, where couples open up about how they feel by starting their sentences with "I feel...")'' :'''Lois''': I feel... unappreciated. Like you don't want to spend time with me. :'''Peter''': Okay, I feel a numbness radiating from my left arm. :'''Donna''' ''(to Cleveland)'': I ''feel'' like you should help out more around the house. :'''Cleveland''': I feel like salty and sweet. ''(to the counselor)'': You got white-chocolate French fries? :'''Kimi''' ''(to Quagmire)'': I feel like my cervix hurts. :'''Quagmire''' ''(smiles)'': I feel pride. <hr width=50%> :'''Counselor''': ''[while trying to help the couples find out more about each other]'' Peter, when's Lois' birthday? :'''Peter''': Uh, let's see. When is Hitler's birthday? :'''Counselor''': April 20th. :'''Peter''': Wow. Okay, Noel. Yikes. :'''Counselor''': Joe, what is Bonnie's favorite food? :'''Joe''': Well, she must like ground glass because I keep finding it in my food. :'''Counselor''': Cleveland- :'''Cleveland''': Pass. :'''Counselor''': Quagmire, what color are Kimi's eyes? :'''Quagmire''': Shaved. S-sorry, what is it? What was the question? ==External links== {{wikipedia|Family Guy}} [[Category:Family Guy seasons]] o8h4sv2bjfaqe35ahpb8uz0gyv3qnl5 3157882 3157881 2022-08-25T16:41:56Z Ijs89000 3124205 /* Our Idiot Brian */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[Family Guy]]''''' is an animated television series created by [[Seth MacFarlane]] for [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|FOX]] in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]], production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005. :'' ''Family Guy'' and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the'' Wikimedia Foundation ''Do NOT ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, ''The Wikimedia Foundation,'' have any affiliation with 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape or form.'' :''Please read [[Family Guy/Format]] for notes on how to use and edit this article.'' ===''[[w:The Simpsons Guy|The Simpsons Guy]]''=== :'''Brian''': Looks like we're in a town called "Springfield". :'''Stewie''': Springfield, eh? What state? :'''Brian''': I can't imagine we're allowed to say. <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Oh, this Springfield place looks nice. We should visit here again. :'''Brian''': I dunno, Lois. This seems like a one-shot deal. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Don't drink the water. Everyone around here looks like they have hepatitis. <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Thank you so much for putting us up until we find our car. :'''Marge''': And thank ''you'' for not being a band of hippie murderers. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': ''[to Apu]'' Hello, funny-sounding Cleveland! <hr width=50%> :'''Homer''': Apu, a dozen donuts for our albino visitors. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Mmm. Yummy. Donut. :'''Homer''': That's pretty good, but try it like this. Mmm...donut... :'''Peter''': Mmm... donut... :'''Homer''': I think you and I are gonna get along just okay. <hr width=50%> :'''Bart''': Eat my shorts! :'''Stewie''': "Eat my shorts." I love that! Is that a popular expression like "What the deuce"? :'''Brian''': Probably more popular. <hr width=50%> :'''Moe''': Moe's Tavern, Moe speakin'. :'''Bart''': Uh, yeah, I'm looking for a friend, last name Kebum, the first name Lee. :'''Moe''': Eh, hang on, I'll check. Uh, hey, guys, do I get a Lee Kebum? C'mon, look at the stools. Is there a Lee Kebum? Somebody check the rear, I know I have a Lee Kebun. :'''Barney''': Then you probably shouldn't be handling food! <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': Hello, Moe? Your sister's bein' raped! <hr width=50%> :'''Bob Belcher''': Yeah, we did it! :'''Homer''': What's he doing here? :'''Peter''': Oh, we gotta carry him 'cause he can't fly alone. We let that other guy try and look at what happened. :'''Cleveland''': No, no, no, no, no, NO!! <hr width=50%> :''[after Homer drinks some Pawtucket Patriot Ale]'' :'''Peter''': That's pretty good, right? :'''Homer''': No. :'''Peter''': Huh? :'''Homer''': It's not good. This beer tastes exactly like Duff. It's just a lousy ripoff! :'''Peter''': Hey, whoa whoa whoa! It's not a ripoff of Duff! It may have been ''inspired'' by Duff, but I...I like to think it goes in a different direction. :'''Homer''': No, this is just the same as Duff, but, like, worse! :'''Peter''': Hey, come on, now, this is my favorite beer you're talking about! Hell, I work for the company. It's my livelihood! :'''Moe''': ''[takes the beer]'' Oh, yeah? Well, your livelihood is based on fraud. Look at this. ''[Rips off the Pawtucket Patriot Ale label, revealing the Duff Beer label underneath]'' Huh?! :'''Homer''': ''[gasps]'' IT IS DUFF!!! Your beer is in big trouble! You can't just slap a new label on something and call it your own! :'''Peter''': Well, maybe Duff should be in trouble for, you know, not being that great. :'''Homer''': ''[gasps]'' Duff is an ICON!!! :'''Peter''': Yeah, but some folks prefer Pawtucket Pat. I mean, don't get me wrong. I used to love Duff when I was younger, but, I haven't even had it in 13 years. :''[Blue Haired Lawyer appears]'' :'''Blue Haired Lawyer''': Be that as it may, I represent the Duff Brewery. And you sir, as a representative of Pawtucket Patriot Ale, are being sued for intellectual theft and patent infringement. :'''Homer''': Ah ha!! Intellectual infringement. What do you have to say about that Griffin!?! :'''Peter''': D'oh!!! <hr width=50%> :'''Judge''': I've heard all I need to hear to make a decision. ''[The camera switches to the judge, who is revealed to be Fred Flintstone]'' :'''Fred Flintstone''': If you ask me, neither of these beers is wholly original. They're both pale imitations of my favorite beer, Bud Rock. :'''Peter''': Oh-ho-ho! :'''Homer''': Ooh! :'''Fred Flintstone''': But rendering a verdict is something I'm paid to YABBA DABBA DOOOOO!!!!! :'''Homer and Peter''': Eh. :'''Fred Flintstone''': And I find in favor of Duff!!! :'''Lois''': Oh, no!!!! :'''Meg''': Oh, no!!! :'''Peter''': Oh, no!!! :''[Peter and Lois look towards a nearby wall, expecting the Kool-Aid guy to crash through the wall and say "Oh, Yeah!". Suddenly, Peter's cellphone starts ringing.]'' :'''Peter''': ''[Answers his cellphone]'' Hello. :''[Scene shifts to the Kool-Aid guy, who has crashed through the wall of a courthouse in a different Springfield]'' :'''Kool-Aid Guy''': Uh, hey. I'm... I'm in the wrong Springfield. <hr width=50%> :'''Homer''': Hey, knock it off! There's a kid back there! :'''Ralph''': Heh-heh, I'm in danger. <hr width=50%> :'''Krusty''': Remember, kids. TV violence is fine as long as you don't show a nipple. <hr width=50%> :'''Kodos''': Perfect, the Earthlings are destroying themselves. :'''Roger''': Yeah, it's great, isn't it, guys? ''[to the camera]'' We went to summer camp together. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': It appears that I am now the only one with radioactive powers, which will allow me to unleash my fury... ''[the radioactivity wears off]'' Oh, I talked too long. <hr width=50%> :''[Homer attempts to choke Peter]'' :'''Peter''': Ow! What the hell? That hurts! :'''Homer''': No, it doesn't! I do it to my son all the time! :'''Peter''': You strangle your son? That's insane! No wonder he's fat and stupid and masturbates all the time! :'''Homer''': That's [[w:Chris Griffin|your]] son! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': ''[Homer throws multiple Emmys at Peter, who dodges them]'' Hey, that's not fair! I don't have any of them! <hr width=50%> :''[the spaceship jumps over Springfield Gorge]'' :'''Peter''': We're gonna make it! :'''Homer''': Trust me, we're not. <hr width=50%> :''[Homer is trying to kill Peter]'' :'''Homer''': Say "hi" to '''[[w:Maude Flanders|Maude Flanders]]'''! :'''Peter''': No, you say "hi" to '''Muriel Goldman'''! :'''Homer''': Who? :''[Peter's running, and finally, the spaceship falls to Homer]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Comic Book Guy''': Worst chicken fight ever. ===''[[w:The Book of Joe|The Book of Joe]]''=== :'''Brian''': Could you close the gate? A couple o' calves got loose. Pow! <hr width=50%> :'''Parent''': You're awful! :'''Peter''': Applause is customary. ===''[[w:Baking Bad|Baking Bad]]''=== :''[following a tricycle-Big Wheel accident]'' :'''Boy''': We should probably exchange numbers. :'''Stewie''': Okay, I'm a 10, you're a 4. <hr width=50%> :'''Tom Tucker''': Coming up: Local newsman shows a camera operator how to center a shot. <hr width=50%> :'''Mosquito''': Hi, I'm the new nurse. :'''Lois''': Get outta here. The blood's not for you. :'''Mosquito''': Aww. Oh, look, an empty tire with some water in it. All right, I'm happy again. ===''[[w:Brian the Closer|Brian the Closer]]''=== :''[Brian is reluctantly showing Bonnie a house]'' :'''Brian''': Bonnie, I still don't get why you want to see this house. The foundation is totally out of whack. I mean, the whole house is slanting down to that cliff over there. :'''Bonnie''': Uh-huh. Can you open the sliding door? ''[Brian complies as Bonnie releases a wheelchair with a large bag of potatoes acting as weight. The wheelchair rolls easily through the door and smashes on the rocks below the cliff]'' I'll take it. <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Now remember, Brian's very self-conscious about how he looks, so let's try to be supportive. Brian. Dinner. ===''[[w:Turkey Guys|Turkey Guys]]''=== :'''Lois''': Peter, we have people coming over and they're expecting a turkey! :'''Peter''': If they're expecting a turkey, I'll just put on ''[[Evan Almighty]]''! Zap! <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': Chris, are Brian and your father back yet? :'''Chris''': No, and why are you saying the dog's name before Dad's? :'''Stewie''': It's weird. Y...yeah, you're right, that is weird. <hr width=50%> :''[Lois and Joe watch Kevin and his little person girlfriend have sex outside]'' :'''Lois''': Oh, my God, it looks like he's chalking up a pool cue! <hr width=50%> :''[Peter and Brian are listening to "Meet Virginia" by [[w:Train (band)|Train]] on the radio in Brian's car]'' :'''Peter''': Brian, I love Train. :'''Brian''': I fucking love Train. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter has saved the Thanksgiving turkey from the bottom of a lake, while Brian has just got out of the water by himself]'' :'''Brian''': Peter, what the hell? You chose a turkey over me? I almost died! :'''Peter''': I swear to God, I thought dogs could breathe underwater. ===''[[w:The 2000-Year-Old Virgin|The 2000-Year-Old Virgin]]''=== :'''Joe''': Hey, do you think if I let Jesus sleep with Bonnie, he'd give me back the use of my legs? :'''Peter''': Joe, I don't speak for Jesus, I just get him trim. <hr width=“50%”/> :'''Jesus''': Lois, it seems like you learned the lesson I intended. :'''Peter''': What lesson? :'''Jesus''': Oh, you know, uh... That... this holiest of days is about... uh... appreciating our loved ones and, uh... resisting temptation. :'''Lois''': Oh, so it was a test. Like when your Father told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. :'''Jesus''': Yes, that! That’s exactly right. Uh, well... I can see my work here is done... :'''Peter''': Well taught, Jesus. Well taught. :'''Jesus''': Yeah, I guess, who cares, I’m not even real. Merry Christmas. ===''[[w:Stewie, Chris, & Brian's Excellent Adventure|Stewie, Chris, & Brian's Excellent Adventure]]''=== :'''Rupert''': Hey, everybody, just so you know, I'm straight! <hr width=50%> :'''1st German Soldier''': Heil Hooters! :'''Otto''': Careful, it might be a "booby-trap". <hr width=50%> :''[observing the Titanic sinking firsthand]'' :'''Chris''': This would make a great movie. ===''[[w:Our Idiot Brian|Our Idiot Brian]]''=== :'''Brian''': I mean I was having fun, making new friends, getting laid all the time, sleeping like a rock, but you made the call. You unilaterally decided I was better off as a bitter alcoholic failure who could only hang out with a baby. :'''[[w:Stewie Griffin|Stewie]]''': Hey! We have fun. <hr width=50%> :'''Ruth''': Your mom's so hot! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Well, there's only one thing we can do: shrink down to microscopic size, go into Brian's brain and destroy the tumor from within. ''[Peter grabs a shrink ray and reduces himself down to microscopic size, but then resizes four seconds later]'' I was raped by a bug. ===''[[w:This Little Piggy (Family Guy)|This Little Piggy]]''=== :''[Cassandra leads Brian and Stewie back to her tent for a three-way]'' :'''Stewie''': Alright, let's lay some ground rules here. You take her left side, I'll take her right. :'''Brian''': What? Uh, how about top and bottom or front and back? :'''Stewie''': How about I take head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes? :'''Brian''': Okay, you can have those. :'''Stewie''': You just gave away the store mister. <hr width=50%?> :'''Dr. Finklestein''': ''[discovers cash in the dead man's billfold]'' It's a five! A five! <hr width=50%?> :'''Meg''': All right. See you later. :'''Lois''': Where are you off to? :'''Meg''': Actually, I met a photographer at Stewie's school yesterday, and he wants me to model for him. :''[Peter pulls his ears to rip them off, and they come out when he does, causing blood to come out]'' :'''Peter''': ''[showing his ears he ripped off to Lois]'' Lois, please send these back to the factory. I believe they're defective. :'''Lois''': Oh my God, Peter, did you just rip your own ears off? :'''Peter''': It was the easiest way to let her know the news was ridiculous. ''[Collapses]'' ===''[[w:Quagmire's Mom|Quagmire's Mom]]''=== :'''Stewie''': ''[whispering to Brian]'' Dairy Queen closes in ten minutes. <hr width=50%> :'''Judge''': I have no choice but to sentence you to 20 years in prison! :''[Judge bangs his gavel, everyone gasps]'' :'''Female Voice''': Oh no you don't! :''[everyone looks to the courtroom to discover an elderly woman at the door]'' :'''Quagmire''': Mom? :'''All the men in the courtroom''': Crystal? <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': ''[singing through microphone after waiting really long about throwing up in the sink]'' ''Out here in the fields…'' You know, that was me. I was the one who threw up in the sink. ===''[[w:Encyclopedia Griffin|Encyclopedia Griffin]]''=== :'''Lois''': Peter, are you just trying to take a knee until the end of the show? Peter, that's not gonna work, you can't just... <hr width=50%> :'''Chris''': It's made of Skittles! You want to eat the baby together on the way home? :'''Lois''': Yeah, I'd like that. ===''Stewie Is Enceinte''=== :'''Peter''': Now, what are the ingredients to a viral internet video? :'''Joe''': Cats. <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': I have a such craving for burgers. It's like my body is just craving red meat, and mint chip ice cream and only mint chip. Any other ice creams makes me want to puke. Is that weird? :'''Brian''': Yes, Stewie. That's the one weird thing in all this. <hr width=50%> :'''[[Adam West]]''': ''[observing Stewie giving birth in Brian's car]'' Mazel tov! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Remember how everyone liked that video of the [[wikipedia:Monkey|monkey]] performing a sex act on that [[wikipedia:Frog|frog]] at the zoo? :'''Joe''': You mean ''that'' frog? :'''Peter''': What? :'''Joe''': The frog in the miniskirt putting a quarter in the jukebox. ''[A female frog in a blonde wig and crop top puts a quarter in the jukebox and starts dancing seductively to [[wikipedia:Bon Jovi|Bon Jovi]]'s [[wikipedia:You Give Love A Bad Name (song)|You Give Love A Bad Name]] while a group of male monkeys look on]'' :'''Peter''': ''[filming on his phone]'' Bingo. :'''Joe''': ''[with a worried expression]'' I'm concerned that frog's in more danger than she realizes. ===''Dr. C and the Women''=== :''[Peter takes Lois golfing]'' :'''Lois''': So...so what do I do? Just aim for the pond? :'''Peter''': No, you're not supposed to hit it into the water. :'''Lois''': But you hit it into the water. :'''Peter''': ''[exasperated]'' I know I hit it into the water. :'''Lois''': But why do they even have water if you're not supposed to hit it there? :'''Peter''': BECAUSE IT'S FUN! WE'RE HAVING FUN! ''[growling in frustration, he furiously throws his bag of clubs]'' :'''Lois''': Look! It went further than your ball! <hr width=50%> :''[Lois and Cleveland finish a therapy session and return to the lobby where Peter is waiting]'' :'''Peter''': Get all of her squawking out, doc? :'''Cleveland''': Oh, I think we got to the root of the problem. Didn't we, Lois? :'''Lois''': Absolutely. :'''Peter''': Alright! Let's dope her up good. Turn that mouth off. <hr width=50%> :'''TSA Agent''': There you are. Listen up, Meg. This TSA isn't sweaty enough for the two of us. :'''Meg''': What? What does that even mean? :'''TSA Agent''': It means stay away from Larry. I'm his girlfriend. :'''Meg''': You are? Oh, my God, I thought you were a boy. <hr width=50%> ''[Outback Steakhouse Extreme commercial]'' :'''Announcer''': Hey! Are you a big fat bastard who loves eating at an outback steakhouse but thinks the portions are too small? Well, good news, fatass! 'Cause now there's the Outback Steakhouse Extreme! We don't have a blooming onion, we have a blooming...''[squish!]'' pumpkin! You know what else we've got? ''[crash!]'' Elephant steaks! Fifty-pound elephant steaks! And why don't you wash it down out with forty ounces of malt liquor and ranch dressing, ya fat fuck? Outback Steakhouse Extreme: PUNISH YOUR TOILET! ===''#JOLO''=== :'''Joe''': Peter, be careful up there. :''[Peter flips Joe the bird]'' :'''Peter''': Is this being careful enough, Joe? <hr width=50%> :''[Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland are being swept towards the American Falls, one of the three waterfalls making up Niagara Falls]'' :'''Peter''': ''[to Quagmire and Cleveland]'' Guys, keep swallowing water. We'll drink our way out of this! ===''Once Bitten''=== :'''TV Announcer: We now return to yet another lndiana Jones movie. :'''Man''': (hisses) Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes? :'''Snake''': Elderly potheads. Why did it have to be elderly potheads? :'''Brian''': Is everyone warm in here? Is it warm? :'''Lois''': Brian, are you feeling all right? :'''Brian''': Yeah, I'm fine. It just seems kind of... (retching loudly) :'''Lois''': Oh, my God! :'''Peter''': Oh, Lois, your dog threw up. :'''Lois''': Peter, Brian's clearly not feeling well. You got to take him to the vet. :'''Meg''': Unbelievable! Brian throws up once, and you rush him to the vet. I was throwing up all night last night. :'''Peter''': Good start. Keep it up, snack pack. :'''Brian''': (chuckles) (retching loudly) :'''Lois''': Peter, you got to take him now! :'''Brian''': Lois, it's probably just something I ate. I'm fine. Really. I got more energy than a cruise ship conga line. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Alright, Brian, it's time for you to take one of these pills from the vet. :'''Brian''': Uh, yeah, right. Can we do what we normally where we normally roll it up in a piece of cheese like you're fooling me? :'''Peter''': Yeah, I guess. <hr width=50%> :'''Brian''': Peter, get away from my ass! <hr width=50%> :'''Neil''': ''[to Meg sadly]'' I'm sorry, but my friendship with Chris, is more important. :'''Meg''': You're a JERK, Neil! ''[Meg turns around angrily and runs away]'' <hr width=50%> ''[Peter, [[Drunkenness|drunk]], throws potatoes at Cleveland's house]'' :'''Peter''': ''[slurring words]'' This is 'cause I'm drunk! :'''Cleveland''': Move out, [[Irish]] trash! ===''Roasted Guy''=== :''[Joe introduces Quagmire as roastmaster]'' :'''Quagmire''': Thanks you, thank you, thank you very much. Joe, I'd tell you to take your seat, but I'd be about 15 years too late. <hr width=50%> :'''Quagmire''': Well first off, Peter's always been special. In high school, he didn't play sports, but he did wear a helmet. <hr width=50%> :'''Quagmire''': But I gotta say the worst part about being Peter's friend is knowing that eventually you're gonna have to be the fatass' pallbearer. Lift with the legs, right fellas? <hr width=50%> :'''Cleveland''': Peter's got a small penis. But, hey, nuthin' grows in the shade! <hr width=50%> :'''Carter''': As Lois' father, I hate the thought of her having sex with Peter. :'''Lois''': And so do I! <hr width=50%> :'''Carl''': I asked Peter what he got on his SATs. He said "Mayonnaise." <hr width=50%> :'''Mort Goldman''': Peter's so fat and stupid, [[w:Lamar Odom|Lamar Odom]] tried to bang* him! <hr width=50%> :'''Jerome''': Peter, you're loud. Ya can't hold down a job. You got a high blood pressure. You could be [[Black people|black]] if ya didn't have such a damn tiny ding-a-ling! <small>On the season 13 DVD, "bang" is replaced with "fuck"</small> ===''[[w:Fighting Irish (Family Guy)|Fighting Irish]]''=== :'''Liam Neeson''': I have played a lion in three separate films. Peter Griffin has never played a jungle cat of any sort, not even a smallish one, like a lynx. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': You ever got your ass handed to you by a Type 2 diabetic? <hr width=50%> ''[At kindergarten, Stewie is talking to a group of children]'' :'''Stewie''': Hey, you know that old woman who lived in a shoe? She had so many children she didn't know what to do? I know what she should do: get your [[Wikipedia:Tubal ligation|tubes tied]], ya kook! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''' ''(to the set security guard)'': We're here to see Liam Neeson, the guy who wears the same long jacket in his movies. <hr width=50%> ''(Peter dresses as Mrs. Potato Head to lure Liam Neeson out, but ends up getting the attention of Colin Farrell, who pushes him down and rapes him)'' :'''Peter''' ''(as he walks away, still in the Mrs. Potato Head costume, which is now frowning and dented)'': The back is all mashed potatoes now. ===''[[w:Take My Wife (Family Guy)|Take My Wife]]''=== ''(during the "I Feel" exercise, where couples open up about how they feel by starting their sentences with "I feel...")'' :'''Lois''': I feel... unappreciated. Like you don't want to spend time with me. :'''Peter''': Okay, I feel a numbness radiating from my left arm. :'''Donna''' ''(to Cleveland)'': I ''feel'' like you should help out more around the house. :'''Cleveland''': I feel like salty and sweet. ''(to the counselor)'': You got white-chocolate French fries? :'''Kimi''' ''(to Quagmire)'': I feel like my cervix hurts. :'''Quagmire''' ''(smiles)'': I feel pride. <hr width=50%> :'''Counselor''': ''[while trying to help the couples find out more about each other]'' Peter, when's Lois' birthday? :'''Peter''': Uh, let's see. When is Hitler's birthday? :'''Counselor''': April 20th. :'''Peter''': Wow. Okay, Noel. Yikes. :'''Counselor''': Joe, what is Bonnie's favorite food? :'''Joe''': Well, she must like ground glass because I keep finding it in my food. :'''Counselor''': Cleveland- :'''Cleveland''': Pass. :'''Counselor''': Quagmire, what color are Kimi's eyes? :'''Quagmire''': Shaved. S-sorry, what is it? What was the question? ==External links== {{wikipedia|Family Guy}} [[Category:Family Guy seasons]] h9px6m985jfbho49gwdfi9ipl1v279a 0 162974 3158114 3043254 2022-08-26T11:27:14Z 129.205.124.221 Added wikitext text/x-wiki [{"anonymous":false,"inputs":[{"indexed":false,"internalType":"address","name":"previousAdmin","type":"address"},{"indexed":false,"internalType":"address","name":"newAdmin","type":"address"}],"name":"AdminChanged","type":"event"},{"anonymous":false,"inputs":[{"indexed":true,"internalType":"address","name":"implementation","type":"address"}],"name":"Upgraded","type":"event"},{"stateMutability":"payable","type":"fallback"},{"inputs":[],"name":"admin","outputs":[{"internalType":"address","name":"","type":"address"}],"stateMutability":"nonpayable","type":"function"},{"inputs":[{"internalType":"address","name":"newAdmin","type":"address"}],"name":"changeAdmin","outputs":[],"stateMutability":"nonpayable","type":"function"},{"inputs":[],"name":"implementation","outputs":[{"internalType":"address","name":"","type":"address"}],"stateMutability":"nonpayable","type":"function"},{"inputs":[{"internalType":"address","name":"logic","type":"address"},{"internalType":"address","name":"admin","type":"address"},{"internalType":"bytes","name":"data","type":"bytes"}],"name":"initialize","outputs":[],"stateMutability":"payable","type":"function"},{"inputs":[{"internalType":"address","name":"_logic","type":"address"},{"internalType":"bytes","name":"_data","type":"bytes"}],"name":"initialize","outputs":[],"stateMutability":"payable","type":"function"},{"inputs":[{"internalType":"address","name":"newImplementation","type":"address"}],"name":"upgradeTo","outputs":[],"stateMutability":"nonpayable","type":"function"},{"inputs":[{"internalType":"address","name":"newImplementation","type":"address"},{"internalType":"bytes","name":"data","type":"bytes"}],"name":"upgradeToAndCall","outputs":[],"stateMutability":"payable","type":"function"}] {{politics-stub}} == Quotes == *Society is indeed a contract. Subordinate contracts, for objects of mere occasional interest, may be dissolved at pleasure; but the state ought not to be considered as nothing better than a partnership agreement in a trade of pepper and coffee, callico or tobacco, or some other such low concern, to be taken up for a little temporary interest, and to be dissolved by the fancy of the parties. It is to be looked on with other reverence; because it is not a partnership in things subservient only to the gross animal existence of a temporary and perishable nature. It is a partnership in all science; a partnership in all art; a partnership in every virtue, and in all perfection. As the ends of such a partnership cannot be obtained in many generations, it becomes a partnership not only between those who are living, but between those who are living, those who are dead, and those who are to be born. Each contract of each particular state is but a clause in the great primaeval contract of eternal society, linking the lower with the higher natures, connecting the visible and invisible world, according to a fixed compact sanctioned by the inviolable oath which holds all physical and all moral natures, each in their appointed place. This law is not subject to the will of those, who by an obligation above them, and infinitely superior, are bound to submit their will to that law. **[[Edmund Burke]], ''[[Reflections on the Revolution in France]]'' (1790), pp. 143–44 * Can humans exist without some people ruling and others being ruled? The founders of political science did not think so. "I put for a general inclination of mankind, a perpetual and restless desire for power after power, that ceaseth only in death," declared [[Thomas Hobbes]]. Because of this innate lust for power, [[Thomas Hobbes|Hobbes]] thought that life before (or after) the state was a "war of every man against every man"&mdash;"solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short." Was Hobbes right? Do humans have an unquenchable desire for power that, in the absence of a strong ruler, inevitably leads to a war of all against all? To judge from surviving examples of bands and villages, for the greater part of prehistory our kind got along quite well without so much as a paramount chief, let alone the all-powerful English [[w:Leviathan (book)|leviathan]] King and [[w:Imperial cult|Mortal God]], whom Hobbes believed was needed for maintaining law and order among his fractious countrymen. ** [[Marvin Harris]], ''Our Kind: Who We Are, Where We Came From, Where We Are Going'' (1989) * The idea that we can enjoy the benefits of society while owing nothing in return is literally infantile. Only children owe nothing. ** [[w:Sebastian Junger|Sebastian Junger]], ''Freedom,'' Simon & Schuster (2021) * Mainstream theories of justice in contemporary political philosophy differ from each other in many respects, but they have a general approach in common – the approach of ‘social contract’ theory. The social contract approach was pioneered by Thomas Hobbes in the seventeenth century, and it has been the strongest influence in the analysis of justice from the eighteenth century to our own time. The distinguishing features of the approach include taking the characterization of ‘just institutions’ to be the principal – and often the only identified – task of the theory of justice. This way of seeing justice is woven in different ways around the idea of an imagined ‘social contract’ – a hypothetical contract about social organization that the people of a sovereign state can be imagined to have endorsed and accepted. Initiated by Thomas Hobbes, major contributions were made in this line of thinking in the period of European Enlightenment by John Locke, Jean-Jacques Rousseau and Immanuel Kant (even though the reach of Kant’s philosophical analysis is immensely larger than the rather limited domain of social contract theory). ** [[Amartya Sen]], “Values and justice”, ''Journal of Economic Methodology'', Vol. 19, No. 2, June 2012, 101–108 * The contractarian approach has remained the dominant influence in contemporary political philosophy, led by the most prominent political philosopher of our time, John Rawls, whose classic book, A Theory of Justice published in 1971, presents a far-reaching statement of a particular version of the social contract approach to justice. The principal theories of justice in contemporary political philosophy, coming not only from Rawls but also from Robert Nozick, Ronald Dworkin, David Gauthier and others, share in common, explicitly or by implication, the idea of a social contract that identifies ideal social institutions (even though the substantive contents of their respective theories are different from each other in terms of the diagnosis of what exactly the social contract should demand). ** [[Amartya Sen]], “Values and justice”, ''Journal of Economic Methodology'', Vol. 19, No. 2, June 2012, 101–108 * In the social contract approach, the search for justice is confined to the citizens of a particular sovereign state, who can be imagined to be in a contractual relation with each other. As a result of this methodology, the people whose views are brought into any specific assessment are citizens of some particular sovereign state for which the pursuit of justice is under discussion. We may demand that the citizens of each sovereign state view citizens of other states (or even stateless people) with compassion, respect and sympathy, satisfying some requirements of ‘minimal humanitarianism’ (as both John Rawls and Thomas Nagel have argued), but ‘the principles of justice’ arrived at for any particular sovereign state would not have any application beyond the limited domain of a specific state. ** [[Amartya Sen]], “Values and justice”, ''Journal of Economic Methodology'', Vol. 19, No. 2, June 2012, 101–108 {{Social and political philosophy}} {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Politics]] h5c60bpu6qfhd5xmbf3e716y3qi3wnf 0 177445 3157850 3153832 2022-08-25T14:37:53Z 67.241.180.73 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 1|1]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 2|2]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 3|3]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 4|4]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 5|5]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 6|6]] '''7''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 8|8]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 9|9]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 10|10]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 11|11]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 12|12]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 13|13]] ([[SpongeBob SquarePants|Main]]) | '''Movies''': [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water|Sponge Out of Water]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run|Sponge on the Run]] | '''Spin-offs:''' [[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years|Kamp Koral]] / [[The Patrick Star Show]] ---- <br> '''''[[w:SpongeBob_SquarePants|SpongeBob SquarePants]]''''' (1999-) is an animated TV series, airing on Nickelodeon about the adventures and endeavors of the title character and his various friends in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom. It spawned [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie|a movie]], followed by several short films, and video games. ==Cast== *Tom Kenny as SpongeBob, Snooty Narrator, TV Voice, Narrator, Chopped Liver, Cop #1, Squidward's House, Jellyfish, Carney Fish #1, Fish #2 *Bill Fagerbakke as Patrick, TV Producer, Fish #1 *Rodger Bumpass as Squidward, Leftover *Clancy Brown as Mr. Krabs, Carney Fish #2 *Mr. Lawrence as Plankton, Larry the Lobster *Carolyn Lawrence as Sandy *Dee Bradley Baker as Zeus, Squilliam *Lori Alan as Pearl, Grandma *Jill Talley as Twin #1, Twin #2 *Sirena Irwin as Agent Fish *Mary Jo Catlett as Mrs. Puff ==Episode 1== ==="Pet or Pests" (1.1)=== :''[Mrs. Wormley and Gary are growling each other again.]'' :'''Patrick''': It looks like they're still not getting used to each other. :'''SpongeBob''': Well, these things take time. :''[Gary and Mrs. Wormsley start fighting again. SpongeBob and Patrick see the fight and they run and hide in SpongeBob's bed]'' :'''SpongeBob and Patrick''': Duck and Cover! :''[the fighting still continues outside of conch street]'' :'''Patrick''': This town is getting too rough for me. :'''SpongeBob''': He's chased her away! Now, who will care for her abandoned newborn infants? :'''Patrick''': Maybe you could take care of them. :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, no way Patrick. I've never seen Gary that upset. ==="Komputer Overload" (1.2)=== ==Episode 2== ==="Gullible Pants" (2.1)=== ==="Overbooked" (2.2)=== ==Episode 3== ==="No Hat for Pat" (3.1)=== :'''Frankie Billy''': That guy still flopping? :'''Frank''': Yeah! Amazing, isn't it? :'''Frankie Billy''': Doesn't that get old? :'''Harold''': He's got a point. :'''Frank''': Yeah. You've seen enough? :'''Harold''': Yeah, let's get out of here. [He, Frank, and another customer throw their food on the floor and leave] :'''Frankie Billy''': Me, too. I'm out. [He throws his food on the floor and leaves like everybody else] :'''Mr. Krabs''': What? Wait! Don't go! Why ya leaving? :'''Harold''': This guy's act is stale! We crave excitement! [all the other customers argue] :'''Mr. Krabs''': Okay, Okay! You want excitement? What if I added a box? [puts Patrick on a box as he falls from it] Huh? Huh? :'''Frankie Billy''': Sort of the same, really. :'''Frank''': Yeah. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Oh, okay, so what if he flopped from two boxes...? [adds another box, but the customers are still bored] ...into a cream pie? [puts a cream pie in place] :'''Patrick''': I like pie. :'''Frankie Billy''': Say now. :'''Frank''': That, I'd pay to see! ==="Toy Store of Doom" (3.2)=== ==Episode 4== ==="Sand Castles in the Sand" (4.1)=== :'''SpongeBob''': [Floating gently down] All is fair in love and war my friend slash enemy, or should I say, my friend-enemy!? [presses a sand button where a jet fighter resembling an [[w: General Dynamics F-16 Fighting Falcon|F-16]] hovers in midair until SpongeBob lands in the cockpit. It then starts chasing Patrick's robot head] Let's have some real fun! [Presses a button that launches two missiles that fly towards Patrick. Patrick screams as he turns his robot head away from the missiles] ==="Shell Shocked" (4.2)=== ==Episode 5== ==="Chum Bucket Supreme" (5.1)=== :'''Mini Brain Patrick 1''': Forget about what that word means! There's a fire breaking out in the language lobes! :'''Mini Brain Patrick 2''': We need to get outta here! ''[Mini Brain Patrick 3 pushes on a door with signs saying "PULL TO OPEN"]'' :'''Mini Brain Patrick 3''': The door's jammed! :'''Mini Brain Patrick 2''': Push harder! ''[all Mini Brain Patricks start moaning and coughing]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Karen''': Don't look now, but I think your catchy slogan days are numbered. :'''Nat''': ''[barfs on floor]'' Something's not right. :'''Pilar''': Yeah, I know, I keep sayin' "Chum is Fum" but it's...ehh...it's just not working. :'''Nat''': I'm outta here. ''[throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]'' :'''Pilar''': ''[also throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]'' :'''Plankton''': ''[To Patrick who is sleeping]'' Patrick! :'''Patrick''': ''[Wakes up]'' Huh? :'''Plankton''': We're having a board meeting here! We need ideas! :'''Patrick''': ''[Examining a line graph whose line ends in a toilet]'' Hmmmm...mmmhmmm...uh-huh. I think I see the problem. Your potty has a shocky thing in it! :'''Plankton''': ''[Annoyed]'' '''NO!''' That's not ''it'' you '''FOOL'''! We need a new slogan! You need to come up with a new genius catchphrase like ''Chum is Fum!'' But ''different''. :'''Patrick''': Oh gotcha. Hmmmm. ''[Cut to Chum Bucket, whose slogan has been switched to "Fum is Chum!"]'' :'''Nat''': I'm so happy that they changed that old tired slogan "Chum is Fum"! :'''Pilar''': Yeah that new slogan, "Fum is Chum" is way cooler! :'''Nat''': Way cooler! :'''Patrick''': Excuse me, sir. [hands resignation slip] My resignation. [shows picture of himself in a [[w:fighter aircraft|fighter plane]] shooting bullets] ==="Single Cell Anniversary" (5.2)=== :'''Plankton''': ''[singing]'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''Put down those punch cards,'' ::''Put down those punch cards,'' ::''And listen to my ode.'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''What compares to,'' ::''What compares to...'' ::''Ehhhh, um, eeh... AH-HA!'' ::''Your beautiful diodes?'' ::''(Instrumental break)'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''I was blinded, yes, I was blinded,'' ::''I was blinded by the light of your cathode ray.'' ::''Oh, I built you, yes, I built you,'' ::''I built you in the - ehhh... erm...'' ::''In the shape of a cube!'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''You'll never know how much I love your vacuum tubes!'' ==[[w:Truth or Square|"Truth or Square" (Episodes 6–7)]]== :'''SpongeBob''': Can you believe it's been eleventy seven years already? :''[Gary meows angrily]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[gasps]'' Watch the potty mouth, Gar! ==Episode 8== ==="Pineapple Fever" (8.1)=== :'''Squidward''': WHOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOO!!!! SO LONG, SUCKERS!!!! ''(falling)'' Oof! Oh, curse you, Preflumster! OOF! OH, <big>'''''CURSE YOU PREFLUMSTER!!!!'''''</big> ==="Chum Caverns" (8.2)=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': Satisfied with yourself, Plankton! Now you've trapped us all underground! :'''Fish #5''': But at least we're trapped in a good restaurant! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Capturing customers! I should've though of it sooner, but without Squidward, I need someone to work the register. ''[Cut to Plankton and a cave creature working the register. The creature raises its whip]'' :'''Cave Dweller #2''': '''AAUUGGHHH!!!''' ==[[w:The Clash of Triton|"The Clash of Triton" (Episode 9)]]== :'''Sadie''': Did you hear that? Neptune said it was all because of ''that'' guy! ''[citizens with torches, pitchforks, splinters, and other weapons form a mob with the damaged city in the background]'' :'''Policeman''': He ''did'', did he? :'''Patrick''': Uh... SpongeBob? :'''SpongeBob''': Yes, Patrick? :'''Patrick''': Do you think now's a good time to get those Triple Gooberry Sundays you were talking about? :'''SpongeBob''': I think now would be an excellent time, yes. (But let's run first and see if we can lose the mob.) ''[the episode ends with he and Patrick screaming whilst getting chased by the angry mob]'' ==Episode 10== ===''Tentacle-Vision (10.1)''=== :'''Patrick''': ''[laughing]'' My shorts are wet! <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Patrick, just how dumb ''are'' you? :'''Patrick''': It varies. ===''I love Dancing (10.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': ''[upon seeing SpongeBob dancing]'' That is the stupidest dance I've ever seen. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[to Squidward]'' Who put you on the planet? ---- :'''Twin Sisters''': [singing] We're tiny, we're cuddly, we're bubbly, wubbly, huggly! :'''Talent Agent''': That was very cute, girls! ''[then annoyed]'' In fact, it's ''too'' cute. You're out. :'''Twin Sisters''': I told you it was a stupid idea... and I hate you, too! ==Episode 11== ===''Growth Spout (11.1)''=== :'''Cracker''': What am I, chopped liver? :'''Offscreen voice''': No, that's what ''I'' am. ''[zoom out showing a jar of chopped liver]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Mrs. Puff''': ''[in her sleep]'' Must...protect garden. <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward's house''': Oh, well. I needed to lose a little weight anyway. ===''Stuck in the Wringer (11.2)''=== ==Episode 12== ===''Someone's in the Kitchen with Sandy (12.1)''=== ===''The Inside Job (12.2)''=== :''[Plankton unplugs SpongeBob's ear drum]'' :'''Plankton''': Let me see what I can tune in here. Hmm. :'''Mr. Krabs''': The secret of the Krabby Patty formula is-- :'''Plankton''': Jackpot! :'''Spongebob''': Huh? :'''Mr, Krabs''': I said-- :'''SpongeBob''': Could you speak a little louder, please? :'''Mr. Krabs''': The secret to the Krabby Patty formula-- :'''SpongeBob''': What? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Hold on. :'''Plankton''': Here it comes! :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[shouting into a megaphone] <big>'''THE SECRET TO THE KRABBY PATTY FORMULA IS...!'''</big> [The shouting causes Plankton's ears to pop]'' :'''Plankton''': OW!!! I hate my life! <hr width=50%> :'''Plankton''': Enough with these petty carnal senses. If I'm going to get the Krabby Patty recipe...''[he arrives at...]'' The brain! :''[Snickering evily, he sticks one end of the mind connector to the brain and absorbs some of it]'' :'''Plankton''': Hi, friend! [he gasps as he saw "Superficial Greetings" on the brain] "Superficial Greetings"? What kind of idiot...? ''[sees the parts of the brain]'' --"Personal Opinions"? "Knock-knock Jokes"?! No, no, no, no! This is all useless! ==Episode 13== ===''Greasy Buffoons (13.1)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs/Plankton''': Oh, no! Did somebody call the Health inspector? :'''Health inspector''': Did somebody call a... Health inspector? ===''Model Sponge (13.2)''=== ==Episode 14== ===''Keep Bikini Bottom Beautiful (14.1)''=== ===''A Pal for Gary (14.2)''=== :''[Spongebob sees little puffy fish being sold by a peddler, and becomes enticed by them and decides to get one of them for Gary] :'''SpongeBob''': I'll take that one right there! :'''Store Owner''': You wish to have one of my rare and extremely dangerous... huh? :'''SpongeBob''': Oh yeah this is the one. ''[picks one of them]'' :'''Store Owner''': Beware, boy, this is no ordinary pet! :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, Gary's gonna be so happy! :'''Store Owner''': You ''must'' understand. These pets can be ''very'' unstable. especially around other pets! :''[She proves this by showing a picture of a cat next to another puffy fish, who snarls at it.]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[obliviously]'' Yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks, bye. ''[he runs off]'' :'''Store Owner''': Why bother? They never listen. <hr width=50%> :'''Spongebob''': Ahh. I can rest so peacefully, now that Gary's got a good pal they could play with. :''[Just as he goes to sleep, Gary bursts through the door, scared and meowing in alarm, causing him to wake up with a start.]'' :'''Spongebob''': Gary! Shame on you! ''[takes Gary back in the living room]'' Puffy Fluffy is perfectly harmless. ''[he takes the blanket off, revealing what he thinks is normal Puffy Fluffy]'' See there he is fast asleep. Now will you let me sleep, Gary, please? [sets Gary back on a small green bed and covers him with a small blanket] Good night. ''[goes back to bed]'' <hr width=50%> :''[After Spongebob wakes up and notices the damage to the house, thanks to Puffy Fluffy]'' :'''Spongebob''': Huh? What's this? Must have been a sea quake last night. Oh well, what are you gonna do? ''[opens the galley door which falls over]'' That's unusual. WHOA!! [sees the library which is a total wreck] My library! ''[gasps]'' And my prized memoirs of T.S. Halibut! ''[gasps]'' My clothes! [picks up his torn pants] This was no random sea quake, Who could have done this? Why, there was no one here except... ''[mistakenly realizes something]'' ...Gary. I bet he's jealous about the new friend! ==Episode 15== ===''Yours, Mine and Mine (15.1)''=== :'''Patrick''': Uh, I'm not home right now! Please leave a message! Beeeep... :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick, it's me! SpongeBob! It's my turn to play with the toy! :'''Patrick''': I can't go out! I just washed my hair! :'''SpongeBob''': You don't have any h-come out, Patrick! It's MY turn!! :'''Patrick''': Got any ID? :'''SpongeBob''': I have my milkshake dispenser operator license. :'''Patrick''': ''[looks at it]'' Looks fake to me pal! Bye-Bye now! :'''SpongeBob''': Well, I guess I had best be going! ''[Pretends to walk away]'' I'm walking away...Here I go... ''[quietly]'' I'm gone now! ''[hides on Patrick's antenna]'' :'''Patrick''': You sure? :'''SpongeBob''': I'm sure! ''[Patrick comes out, he jumps at him]'' Hi, Patrick! Time to ''SHARE!'' :'''Patrick''': DECEIVER! You didn't leave at all!! :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, and you were washing your hair!?! :'''Patrick''': I was too, See? ''[shows his armpit hair]'' <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': [Surprised] Gary was so right about you! You're a non-sharer! :'''Patrick''': Gary said that? You're off my friend list, Gary!! :'''Gary''': Meow. [turns and slithers back into SpongeBob's house] :'''SpongeBob''': Hand it over, Patrick! ''I'' get to play with the Patty Pal today! :'''Patrick''': You can't take it, It's not fair! :'''SpongeBob''': How about I take it for ''half'' a day? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': How about we trade off every ''hour''? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': Every ''half'' hour? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': Every ''fifteen minutes''? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': ''Five'' minutes? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': ''One'' minute? :'''Patrick''': N-n-no! :'''SpongeBob''': Okay then, for our final offer we trade off every ''second!'' :''[They pass Patty Pal back and fourth every second]'' :'''Patrick''': One. :'''SpongeBob''': One. :'''Patrick''': One. :''[Pause, Patrick runs off while SpongeBob tears himself angrily]'' ===''Kracked Krabs (15.2)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs:''': Lad, you're surrounded by stingy wisdom, so try to pick up some pointers. But whatever you do, don't lend anyone money! :'''SpongeBob:''': ''[lending money to another crab]'' 25, 26... ==Episode 16== ===''The Curse of Bikini Bottom (16.1)''=== ===''Squidward in Clarinetland (16.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': Order up, SpongeBob! :''[walk towards SpongeBob]'' :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob! What do you think you're doing? You're supposed to be fry cooking. I told you not to touch my stuff! :'''SpongeBob''': I didn't! I wore protective gloves! And besides, don't you like how classy it look now? :'''Squidward''': Velvet.. :'''SpongeBob''': Now I'd like to stand by and idly chat with you, Squidward, But I must attend to my Krusty Krab duties! In the future, please keep your interruptions to a minimum sir, please! <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Hey, come back! I need my clarinet! Come Back! Where are you? Sponge- :''[bumps into an eagle head]'' :'''Eagle''': I am the keeper of the horned forest, state your business here. :'''Squidward''': uuhh.. I'm.. trying to find my clarinet. :'''Eagle''': ''Your'' clarinet? :'''Squidward:''': Yes, my clarinet! Which I am the proud owner. :''[Eagle laughs]'' :'''Eagle''': A clarinet is not owned. Why don't you tell me why you're really here? :'''Squidward''': You calling me a ''LIAR?!'' :''[Eagle grabs Squidward with his tongue]'' :'''Eagle''': I don't appreciate your tone. :'''Squidward''': I'm sorry I-I-I didn't mean to offend you. :'''Eagle''': This is a sacred place where clarinets live without persecution. You need to learn respect. :'''Squidward''': ''[Eagle squeezed squidward tightly]'' I've learned.. ''[loosely]'' I've learned respect... :'''Eagle''': I don't believe you. :''[Swallows Squidward and he ends up in the stomach, Squidward sees SpongeBob]'' ==''[[w:SpongeBob's Last Stand|SpongeBob's Last Stand (Episode 17)]]''== :'''SpongeBob''': Okay everyone, say goodbye to the worst thing that's happened to this town since 97 cent stores. :'''Everyone''': YEAH! ''[SpongeBob tries to break the highway with the tractor, but it just stopped]'' :'''Plankton''': Good effort, Spongedope, but you can't tear up my highway, it's indestructible! :'''Larry Lobster''': Not if we have anything to do with it! :'''SpongeBob''': Larry Lobster! :'''Larry Lobster''': That's right, pal, but that's not all. ''[Sandy walks out from the crowd, waving]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Sandy Squirrel! ''[Mrs. Puff walks out of the crowd]'' Mrs. Puff! ''[Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy both walk out from the crowd]'' Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy! ''[Patrick walks walk out from the crowd]'' Patrick! :'''Patrick''': Su-Su-Su-Su! :'''SpongeBob''': And Squidward! ''[Squidward doesn't walk out from the crowd]'' :'''Fish 3''': Nope, that's everybody! :'''Larry Lobster''': Push! ''[He, Patrick, Mrs. Puff, Mermaid Man, Barnacle Boy and Sandy push]'' Harder!!!!! ''[They push harder]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Harder still! :'''Fish 3''': You heard the little square guy, yeah! ''[Everybody lines up behind the tractor and pushes it]'' :'''Plankton''': Wait! I didn't count on all of you working together! ''[Everybody pushes hard enough that the highway breaks!]'' My highway! STOP! YOU CAN'T! ''[Plankton gets crushed by the tractor!]'' :'''Everyone''': YEAH! ''[The arch over the Krusty Krab breaks down in a pile of dust and the smog clears]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': Praise Neptune. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[Singing]'' ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, it's the jellyfishing song!'' :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''SpongeBob''': ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, everyone sing along!'' :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''Everyone''': ''[Singing]'' Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, it's the jellyfishing song! :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''Everyone''': ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly everyone siiiiinnnnggggg!'' ''[The camera zooms out and we cut to the Jellyfish Fields ranger]'' :'''Ranger''': ''[bored voice]'' Everyone sing along. ''[switches the "closed" sign to "open," and then walks away]'' ==Episode XVIII== ===''Back to the Past (XVIII.I)''=== :'''Mermaid Men''': ::'''#2:''' ''[running out of the time machine along with the second Barnacle Boy, Spongebob and Patrick]'' Keep your tongue out of my tarter sauce! ::'''#1:''' Imposters! ::'''#2:''' Who are you calling imposter, imposter? I must prevent our tarter sauce from being eaten by that... ''[pans to Patrick]'' ...That fool! ::'''#1:''' If I want to get near my tarter sauce, I gotta go through me first! ::'''#2:''' I’m gonna make you eat those words! ::'''#1:''' Bring It! ''[gets "slapped"]'' Take this! ''["punches" himself's hair]'' I’ll never let you win! ::'''#2:''' Oh, yes I will! ::'''Young:''' What do you make of this, Barnacle Boy? :'''Young Barnacle Boy''': Tangled Timeline, Mermaid Man. I... :'''Man Ray''': ''[laughs wickedly]'' You old coots provided me the perfect distraction. Now prepare to be disappeared! :'''Young Mermaid Man''': Sounds good on paper, you purveyor of pure evil, but, fortunately, we all know what happens to paper underwater. Barnacle Boy, the tartar sauce. ''[pours tartar sauce on the Second Man Ray]'' :'''Patrick 2''': Wow! I've never eaten that much tartar sauce. :'''Patrick 1''': Yes, you have. :'''Patrick 2''': Well, it sure ain't sittin' right. :'''Man Ray''': ''[laughs wickedly]'' Foolish mools. Once again, your buffoonery has given me victory! ''[blows up the tartar sauce can and laughs wickedly]'' Oh, I'm going to savor this. It's not every day I get to defeat Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy three times over! ''[is about to shoot two SpongeBobs, Patrick, two Old Mermaid Mans and Barnacle Boys but another time machine comes]'' :'''SpongeBob 2''': ''[He along with the second Patrick comes out of the machine]'' Patrick, don’t eat the tartar sauce! :'''Man Ray''': You’re too late! Your fat friend beat you to it. Now, prepare to taste laser! ''[another time machine comes, which it opens, and the third SpongeBob and Patrick are falling, screaming]'' So how... :'''SpongeBob 4''': ''[The time machine door with the fourth SpongeBob and Patrick]'' I told you we had to go back farther! :'''Man Ray''': Uh... ''[Tries to think but another time machine comes]'' :'''Mermaid Man 3''': Up, up, and away! ''[The third Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy jump out and fall to the ground]'' :'''SpongeBob 5''': ''[another time machine opens with the fifth Patrick also]'' Now, Patrick! ''[He along with the fifth Patrick pour tartar sauce on the third Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy and drop the can on them]'' :'''Man Ray''': I can't get my head around this. Where are they all coming from? ''[Man Ray 2's machine comes]'' Another machine? ''[Man Ray 2 comes out]'' :'''Man Ray 2''': ''[shoots his own whole time machine and laughs wickedly]'' I took care of your blasted time machine! ''[laughs again and flies away]'' :'''Man Ray''': Uh! I got to sit down and think this through. :'''Young Mermaid Man''': ''[chains Man Ray]'' Gotta! You've got plenty of time for thinking in the stony lonesome. :'''Man Ray''': I'm sorry, did you say something? I'm still trying to comprehend what just happened here. :'''Young Mermaid Man''': It's pretty simple, really. You were defeated by a convoy of continuum-cruising crime stoppers. Thank you, SpongeBob and Patrick. :'''Four SpongeBobs and Two Patricks''': You're welcome! :'''SpongeBob 6 and Patrick 6''': ''[another time machine which holds seven SpongeBobs and six Patricks comes]'' Oh, hi there! Hello! Hello! Hello! :'''One Other Patrick''': Hey! Oh, I can't believe it! :'''One Other SpongeBob''': We just wanted to come back and revisit the day that evil was defeated forever. :'''SpongeBob 7''': ''[another time machine appears]'' Hey, how you doing? :'''Patrick 7''': We're here. :'''Eighth and Ninth SpongeBobs and Patricks''': ''[two time machines appear]'' Oh, hi there! How you doing? :'''Tenth SpongeBob and Patrick''': Hello! Hello! :'''Even More SpongeBobs and Patricks''': ''[more appear]'' Oh hi there! ''[More and more appear while the episode pans into outer space]'' Hello! Hello! ===''The Bad Guy Club for Villains (XVIII.II)''=== :'''Patrick''': Hey, what happened? Why are those squiggles on the screen? :'''SpongeBob''': Those are called "End Credits", Patrick. :'''Patrick''': End credits? But I don't want it to end! :'''SpongeBob''': That's why Neptune gave us the rewind button! ''[pushes a button]'' :'''Patrick''': Thank you, Neptune! ''[The screen goes back to the beginning and zooms in before the episode ends]'' ==Episode 19== ===''A Day Without Tears (19.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': He was a good little Krabby Patty. [sniffs] I didn't know him well, but in the few short seconds between grill and floor, I--[opens the trash lid and begins crying]--I came to love him! [the patty slowly slides off his spatula and into the trash bin] It just isn't fair! [he cries even louder, soaking and enraging Squidward from the counter window] :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob, will you stop crying?! :'''SpongeBob''': But the Krabby Patty fell on the floor and then he... :'''Squidward''': Krabby Patty nothing! :'''SpongeBob''': I-- :'''Squidward''': ''[shouting]'' ''KRABBY PATTY '''NOTHING!!!!''''' ''[breathes heavily. SpongeBob whimpers]'' What now? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[stifled]'' You yelled at me... ''[wailing]'' '''YOU YELLED AT ME!!!!!!!''''' ''[continues sobbing]'' :'''Squidward''': All right, look. So far today, and it's not even 2:00 yet, you have cried 43 times. :'''SpongeBob''': And you wrote that number on a chalkboard. :'''Squidward''': Yes! :'''SpongeBob''': Why? :'''Squidward''': [pauses for a second] I have no idea. :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, Squidward, there's no way I cry that much. There's not that many tears in my brain. :'''Squidward''': Au contraire. [turns on a TV] :'''SpongeBob''': What's this? :'''Squidward''': It's a quick montage of flashbacks I've edited together that shows the hundreds of tears you have cried over the years. :''[the video begins to play, showing SpongeBob crying in the Krusty Krab, in a grocery store, at Mrs. Puff's Boating School, in Jellyfish Fields, in the bathroom, and more like near a bus stop for no reason]'' :'''SpongeBob''': [in the video] Boo! Hoo! Boohoo! Sob. Whimper. :'''Narrator''': Thousands of tears later... :''[SpongeBob continues to watch himself crying in the video]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Wow, guess I do cry a lot. I promise I won't cry anymore. :'''Squidward''': Oh, nonsense! I bet you can't go the rest of the day without crying. :'''SpongeBob''': [realizes something] Excuse me a minute. [he walks up to a rotary telephone and dials it, Patrick appears lazily sitting on his couch when his own phone rings] :'''Patrick''': [answers it] Star... residence. Patrick speaking. :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Patrick. :'''Patrick''': Hey, buddy! Is it 7:30 already? :'''SpongeBob''': No, I'm still at work. :'''Patrick''': How can I help you? :'''SpongeBob''': Do you think that I could go the rest of the day without crying? :'''Patrick''': [mouth full with popcorn] Well, of course you can. :'''SpongeBob''': Okay, great, thanks, Patrick. :'''Patrick''': Umm... sure. And did you remember to put that package outside where I told you? :'''SpongeBob''': Yeah, but I left it in a different spot. Just ask Gary, he knows where it is. :'''Patrick''': Oh, yeah. [laughs with his mouth full] Hey, good one, buddy. You almost had me there. :'''SpongeBob''': [chuckles] Okay. :'''Patrick''': Yeah, talk to you later. :'''SpongeBob''': All right, see ya. [hangs up, then walks back up to Squidward] Okay, it's a bet. :'''Squidward''': [shakes SpongeBob's hand] Fine. If you cry one tear before midnight, you have to... [thinks] Wash my bike, clean out my rain gutters, and do all my yard work for a year. :'''SpongeBob''': Sounds fair to me. And if I make it to midnight without crying, you'll come to a slumber party at my place. Just you and me. [Squidward retches and swallows] Ooh, what's the matter? :'''Squidward''': Um, nothing, I just threw up a little in my mouth. [begins talking in his thoughts] No need to worry, Squiddy. You've outdone yourself. He'll be crying in ten minutes. ===''Summer Job (19.2)''=== ==Episode 20== ===''One Coarse Meal (20.1)''=== :'''Karen''': My triumphant husband returns. How'd you fail this time? :'''Plankton''': Krabs had a whale! :'''Karen''': You mean his big, bad, scary teenage daughter? :'''Plankton''': I hear that mocking tone in your voice, Karen, and I don't appreciate it! Don't you remember what happened to my ancestors at the hands of those beasts?! :''[Plankton's family is shown being eaten by a whale]'' :'''Karen''': Okay, when you need a break from your delusional paranoia, the trash needs some attention. It's ripened. <hr width=50%> :'''Plankton''': ''[crying]'' What's the point of going on? I'll just be tortured for the rest of my life by that whale! ''[lies down]'' That's it. I'm done. The 4:15 bus should be along any time now. :'''SpongeBob''': Hi, Plankton. What are you doing laying in the middle of the road? :'''Plankton''': Go away, Cheese head! Can't you see I'm trying to get run over?! In fact, better yet, just step on me as hard as you can. Would you do that for me? :'''SpongeBob''': I'm sorry, Plankton, but that flies in the face of my good nature. :'''Plankton''': Forget it, kid. I'll just wait for the next bus. Go on back to the Krusty Krab and enjoy yourself. ===''Gary In Love (20.2)''=== ==Episode 21== ===''The Play's the Thing (21.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Squidward, no! Those patties aren't fit for public consumption! :'''Squidward''': Here, enjoy! <hr width=60%> :'''SpongeBob''': ''[tries not to cry]'' Bless you all. :'''Patrick''': I like throwing food. ''[chucks a burnt Krabby Patty at SpongeBob]'' :'''SpongeBob''': OW!! :'''All''': ''FOOD FIGHT!!!!'' <hr width=60%> :'''Squidward''': AAAAAHH!!! :'''Patrick''': Haw haw! Ah haw haw! ''[hurls an anchor]'' ===''Rodeo Daze (21.2)''=== ==External links== {{Wikipedia|SpongeBob SquarePants (season 7)}} [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants seasons]] [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]] a63znwrxtf6rks07pzwegdjbniu1wm9 3157869 3157850 2022-08-25T16:15:20Z 67.241.180.73 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 1|1]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 2|2]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 3|3]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 4|4]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 5|5]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 6|6]] '''7''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 8|8]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 9|9]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 10|10]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 11|11]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 12|12]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 13|13]] ([[SpongeBob SquarePants|Main]]) | '''Movies''': [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water|Sponge Out of Water]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run|Sponge on the Run]] | '''Spin-offs:''' [[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years|Kamp Koral]] / [[The Patrick Star Show]] ---- <br> '''''[[w:SpongeBob_SquarePants|SpongeBob SquarePants]]''''' (1999-) is an animated TV series, airing on Nickelodeon about the adventures and endeavors of the title character and his various friends in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom. It spawned [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie|a movie]], followed by several short films, and video games. ==Cast== *Tom Kenny as SpongeBob, Snooty Narrator, TV Voice, Narrator, Chopped Liver, Cop #1, Squidward's House, Jellyfish, Carney Fish #1, Fish #2, Fish #40, Fish #47, Fish #83, Gary *Bill Fagerbakke as Patrick, TV Producer, Fish #1 *Rodger Bumpass as Squidward, Leftover, Fish #107 *Clancy Brown as Mr. Krabs, Carney Fish #2, Fish #83 *Mr. Lawrence as Plankton, Larry the Lobster *Carolyn Lawrence as Sandy *Dee Bradley Baker as Zeus, Squilliam, Cop, Worker, Newscaster, Billy *Lori Alan as Pearl, Grandma *Jill Talley as Twin #1, Twin #2, Karen, Fish #48, Fish #49 *Sirena Irwin as Agent Fish *Mary Jo Catlett as Mrs. Puff ==Episode 1== ==="Pet or Pests" (1.1)=== :''[Mrs. Wormley and Gary are growling each other again.]'' :'''Patrick''': It looks like they're still not getting used to each other. :'''SpongeBob''': Well, these things take time. :''[Gary and Mrs. Wormsley start fighting again. SpongeBob and Patrick see the fight and they run and hide in SpongeBob's bed]'' :'''SpongeBob and Patrick''': Duck and Cover! :''[the fighting still continues outside of conch street]'' :'''Patrick''': This town is getting too rough for me. :'''SpongeBob''': He's chased her away! Now, who will care for her abandoned newborn infants? :'''Patrick''': Maybe you could take care of them. :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, no way Patrick. I've never seen Gary that upset. ==="Komputer Overload" (1.2)=== ==Episode 2== ==="Gullible Pants" (2.1)=== ==="Overbooked" (2.2)=== ==Episode 3== ==="No Hat for Pat" (3.1)=== :'''Frankie Billy''': That guy still flopping? :'''Frank''': Yeah! Amazing, isn't it? :'''Frankie Billy''': Doesn't that get old? :'''Harold''': He's got a point. :'''Frank''': Yeah. You've seen enough? :'''Harold''': Yeah, let's get out of here. [He, Frank, and another customer throw their food on the floor and leave] :'''Frankie Billy''': Me, too. I'm out. [He throws his food on the floor and leaves like everybody else] :'''Mr. Krabs''': What? Wait! Don't go! Why ya leaving? :'''Harold''': This guy's act is stale! We crave excitement! [all the other customers argue] :'''Mr. Krabs''': Okay, Okay! You want excitement? What if I added a box? [puts Patrick on a box as he falls from it] Huh? Huh? :'''Frankie Billy''': Sort of the same, really. :'''Frank''': Yeah. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Oh, okay, so what if he flopped from two boxes...? [adds another box, but the customers are still bored] ...into a cream pie? [puts a cream pie in place] :'''Patrick''': I like pie. :'''Frankie Billy''': Say now. :'''Frank''': That, I'd pay to see! ==="Toy Store of Doom" (3.2)=== ==Episode 4== ==="Sand Castles in the Sand" (4.1)=== :'''SpongeBob''': [Floating gently down] All is fair in love and war my friend slash enemy, or should I say, my friend-enemy!? [presses a sand button where a jet fighter resembling an [[w: General Dynamics F-16 Fighting Falcon|F-16]] hovers in midair until SpongeBob lands in the cockpit. It then starts chasing Patrick's robot head] Let's have some real fun! [Presses a button that launches two missiles that fly towards Patrick. Patrick screams as he turns his robot head away from the missiles] ==="Shell Shocked" (4.2)=== ==Episode 5== ==="Chum Bucket Supreme" (5.1)=== :'''Mini Brain Patrick 1''': Forget about what that word means! There's a fire breaking out in the language lobes! :'''Mini Brain Patrick 2''': We need to get outta here! ''[Mini Brain Patrick 3 pushes on a door with signs saying "PULL TO OPEN"]'' :'''Mini Brain Patrick 3''': The door's jammed! :'''Mini Brain Patrick 2''': Push harder! ''[all Mini Brain Patricks start moaning and coughing]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Karen''': Don't look now, but I think your catchy slogan days are numbered. :'''Nat''': ''[barfs on floor]'' Something's not right. :'''Pilar''': Yeah, I know, I keep sayin' "Chum is Fum" but it's...ehh...it's just not working. :'''Nat''': I'm outta here. ''[throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]'' :'''Pilar''': ''[also throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]'' :'''Plankton''': ''[To Patrick who is sleeping]'' Patrick! :'''Patrick''': ''[Wakes up]'' Huh? :'''Plankton''': We're having a board meeting here! We need ideas! :'''Patrick''': ''[Examining a line graph whose line ends in a toilet]'' Hmmmm...mmmhmmm...uh-huh. I think I see the problem. Your potty has a shocky thing in it! :'''Plankton''': ''[Annoyed]'' '''NO!''' That's not ''it'' you '''FOOL'''! We need a new slogan! You need to come up with a new genius catchphrase like ''Chum is Fum!'' But ''different''. :'''Patrick''': Oh gotcha. Hmmmm. ''[Cut to Chum Bucket, whose slogan has been switched to "Fum is Chum!"]'' :'''Nat''': I'm so happy that they changed that old tired slogan "Chum is Fum"! :'''Pilar''': Yeah that new slogan, "Fum is Chum" is way cooler! :'''Nat''': Way cooler! :'''Patrick''': Excuse me, sir. [hands resignation slip] My resignation. [shows picture of himself in a [[w:fighter aircraft|fighter plane]] shooting bullets] ==="Single Cell Anniversary" (5.2)=== :'''Plankton''': ''[singing]'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''Put down those punch cards,'' ::''Put down those punch cards,'' ::''And listen to my ode.'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''What compares to,'' ::''What compares to...'' ::''Ehhhh, um, eeh... AH-HA!'' ::''Your beautiful diodes?'' ::''(Instrumental break)'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''I was blinded, yes, I was blinded,'' ::''I was blinded by the light of your cathode ray.'' ::''Oh, I built you, yes, I built you,'' ::''I built you in the - ehhh... erm...'' ::''In the shape of a cube!'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''You'll never know how much I love your vacuum tubes!'' ==[[w:Truth or Square|"Truth or Square" (Episodes 6–7)]]== :'''SpongeBob''': Can you believe it's been eleventy seven years already? :''[Gary meows angrily]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[gasps]'' Watch the potty mouth, Gar! ==Episode 8== ==="Pineapple Fever" (8.1)=== :'''Squidward''': WHOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOO!!!! SO LONG, SUCKERS!!!! ''(falling)'' Oof! Oh, curse you, Preflumster! OOF! OH, <big>'''''CURSE YOU PREFLUMSTER!!!!'''''</big> ==="Chum Caverns" (8.2)=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': Satisfied with yourself, Plankton! Now you've trapped us all underground! :'''Fish #5''': But at least we're trapped in a good restaurant! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Capturing customers! I should've though of it sooner, but without Squidward, I need someone to work the register. ''[Cut to Plankton and a cave creature working the register. The creature raises its whip]'' :'''Cave Dweller #2''': '''AAUUGGHHH!!!''' ==[[w:The Clash of Triton|"The Clash of Triton" (Episode 9)]]== :'''Sadie''': Did you hear that? Neptune said it was all because of ''that'' guy! ''[citizens with torches, pitchforks, splinters, and other weapons form a mob with the damaged city in the background]'' :'''Policeman''': He ''did'', did he? :'''Patrick''': Uh... SpongeBob? :'''SpongeBob''': Yes, Patrick? :'''Patrick''': Do you think now's a good time to get those Triple Gooberry Sundays you were talking about? :'''SpongeBob''': I think now would be an excellent time, yes. (But let's run first and see if we can lose the mob.) ''[the episode ends with he and Patrick screaming whilst getting chased by the angry mob]'' ==Episode 10== ===''Tentacle-Vision (10.1)''=== :'''Patrick''': ''[laughing]'' My shorts are wet! <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Patrick, just how dumb ''are'' you? :'''Patrick''': It varies. ===''I love Dancing (10.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': ''[upon seeing SpongeBob dancing]'' That is the stupidest dance I've ever seen. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[to Squidward]'' Who put you on the planet? ---- :'''Twin Sisters''': [singing] We're tiny, we're cuddly, we're bubbly, wubbly, huggly! :'''Talent Agent''': That was very cute, girls! ''[then annoyed]'' In fact, it's ''too'' cute. You're out. :'''Twin Sisters''': I told you it was a stupid idea... and I hate you, too! ==Episode 11== ===''Growth Spout (11.1)''=== :'''Cracker''': What am I, chopped liver? :'''Offscreen voice''': No, that's what ''I'' am. ''[zoom out showing a jar of chopped liver]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Mrs. Puff''': ''[in her sleep]'' Must...protect garden. <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward's house''': Oh, well. I needed to lose a little weight anyway. ===''Stuck in the Wringer (11.2)''=== ==Episode 12== ===''Someone's in the Kitchen with Sandy (12.1)''=== ===''The Inside Job (12.2)''=== :''[Plankton unplugs SpongeBob's ear drum]'' :'''Plankton''': Let me see what I can tune in here. Hmm. :'''Mr. Krabs''': The secret of the Krabby Patty formula is-- :'''Plankton''': Jackpot! :'''Spongebob''': Huh? :'''Mr, Krabs''': I said-- :'''SpongeBob''': Could you speak a little louder, please? :'''Mr. Krabs''': The secret to the Krabby Patty formula-- :'''SpongeBob''': What? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Hold on. :'''Plankton''': Here it comes! :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[shouting into a megaphone] <big>'''THE SECRET TO THE KRABBY PATTY FORMULA IS...!'''</big> [The shouting causes Plankton's ears to pop]'' :'''Plankton''': OW!!! I hate my life! <hr width=50%> :'''Plankton''': Enough with these petty carnal senses. If I'm going to get the Krabby Patty recipe...''[he arrives at...]'' The brain! :''[Snickering evily, he sticks one end of the mind connector to the brain and absorbs some of it]'' :'''Plankton''': Hi, friend! [he gasps as he saw "Superficial Greetings" on the brain] "Superficial Greetings"? What kind of idiot...? ''[sees the parts of the brain]'' --"Personal Opinions"? "Knock-knock Jokes"?! No, no, no, no! This is all useless! ==Episode 13== ===''Greasy Buffoons (13.1)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs/Plankton''': Oh, no! Did somebody call the Health inspector? :'''Health inspector''': Did somebody call a... Health inspector? ===''Model Sponge (13.2)''=== ==Episode 14== ===''Keep Bikini Bottom Beautiful (14.1)''=== ===''A Pal for Gary (14.2)''=== :''[Spongebob sees little puffy fish being sold by a peddler, and becomes enticed by them and decides to get one of them for Gary] :'''SpongeBob''': I'll take that one right there! :'''Store Owner''': You wish to have one of my rare and extremely dangerous... huh? :'''SpongeBob''': Oh yeah this is the one. ''[picks one of them]'' :'''Store Owner''': Beware, boy, this is no ordinary pet! :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, Gary's gonna be so happy! :'''Store Owner''': You ''must'' understand. These pets can be ''very'' unstable. especially around other pets! :''[She proves this by showing a picture of a cat next to another puffy fish, who snarls at it.]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[obliviously]'' Yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks, bye. ''[he runs off]'' :'''Store Owner''': Why bother? They never listen. <hr width=50%> :'''Spongebob''': Ahh. I can rest so peacefully, now that Gary's got a good pal they could play with. :''[Just as he goes to sleep, Gary bursts through the door, scared and meowing in alarm, causing him to wake up with a start.]'' :'''Spongebob''': Gary! Shame on you! ''[takes Gary back in the living room]'' Puffy Fluffy is perfectly harmless. ''[he takes the blanket off, revealing what he thinks is normal Puffy Fluffy]'' See there he is fast asleep. Now will you let me sleep, Gary, please? [sets Gary back on a small green bed and covers him with a small blanket] Good night. ''[goes back to bed]'' <hr width=50%> :''[After Spongebob wakes up and notices the damage to the house, thanks to Puffy Fluffy]'' :'''Spongebob''': Huh? What's this? Must have been a sea quake last night. Oh well, what are you gonna do? ''[opens the galley door which falls over]'' That's unusual. WHOA!! [sees the library which is a total wreck] My library! ''[gasps]'' And my prized memoirs of T.S. Halibut! ''[gasps]'' My clothes! [picks up his torn pants] This was no random sea quake, Who could have done this? Why, there was no one here except... ''[mistakenly realizes something]'' ...Gary. I bet he's jealous about the new friend! ==Episode 15== ===''Yours, Mine and Mine (15.1)''=== :'''Patrick''': Uh, I'm not home right now! Please leave a message! Beeeep... :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick, it's me! SpongeBob! It's my turn to play with the toy! :'''Patrick''': I can't go out! I just washed my hair! :'''SpongeBob''': You don't have any h-come out, Patrick! It's MY turn!! :'''Patrick''': Got any ID? :'''SpongeBob''': I have my milkshake dispenser operator license. :'''Patrick''': ''[looks at it]'' Looks fake to me pal! Bye-Bye now! :'''SpongeBob''': Well, I guess I had best be going! ''[Pretends to walk away]'' I'm walking away...Here I go... ''[quietly]'' I'm gone now! ''[hides on Patrick's antenna]'' :'''Patrick''': You sure? :'''SpongeBob''': I'm sure! ''[Patrick comes out, he jumps at him]'' Hi, Patrick! Time to ''SHARE!'' :'''Patrick''': DECEIVER! You didn't leave at all!! :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, and you were washing your hair!?! :'''Patrick''': I was too, See? ''[shows his armpit hair]'' <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': [Surprised] Gary was so right about you! You're a non-sharer! :'''Patrick''': Gary said that? You're off my friend list, Gary!! :'''Gary''': Meow. [turns and slithers back into SpongeBob's house] :'''SpongeBob''': Hand it over, Patrick! ''I'' get to play with the Patty Pal today! :'''Patrick''': You can't take it, It's not fair! :'''SpongeBob''': How about I take it for ''half'' a day? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': How about we trade off every ''hour''? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': Every ''half'' hour? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': Every ''fifteen minutes''? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': ''Five'' minutes? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': ''One'' minute? :'''Patrick''': N-n-no! :'''SpongeBob''': Okay then, for our final offer we trade off every ''second!'' :''[They pass Patty Pal back and fourth every second]'' :'''Patrick''': One. :'''SpongeBob''': One. :'''Patrick''': One. :''[Pause, Patrick runs off while SpongeBob tears himself angrily]'' ===''Kracked Krabs (15.2)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs:''': Lad, you're surrounded by stingy wisdom, so try to pick up some pointers. But whatever you do, don't lend anyone money! :'''SpongeBob:''': ''[lending money to another crab]'' 25, 26... ==Episode 16== ===''The Curse of Bikini Bottom (16.1)''=== ===''Squidward in Clarinetland (16.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': Order up, SpongeBob! :''[walk towards SpongeBob]'' :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob! What do you think you're doing? You're supposed to be fry cooking. I told you not to touch my stuff! :'''SpongeBob''': I didn't! I wore protective gloves! And besides, don't you like how classy it look now? :'''Squidward''': Velvet.. :'''SpongeBob''': Now I'd like to stand by and idly chat with you, Squidward, But I must attend to my Krusty Krab duties! In the future, please keep your interruptions to a minimum sir, please! <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Hey, come back! I need my clarinet! Come Back! Where are you? Sponge- :''[bumps into an eagle head]'' :'''Eagle''': I am the keeper of the horned forest, state your business here. :'''Squidward''': uuhh.. I'm.. trying to find my clarinet. :'''Eagle''': ''Your'' clarinet? :'''Squidward:''': Yes, my clarinet! Which I am the proud owner. :''[Eagle laughs]'' :'''Eagle''': A clarinet is not owned. Why don't you tell me why you're really here? :'''Squidward''': You calling me a ''LIAR?!'' :''[Eagle grabs Squidward with his tongue]'' :'''Eagle''': I don't appreciate your tone. :'''Squidward''': I'm sorry I-I-I didn't mean to offend you. :'''Eagle''': This is a sacred place where clarinets live without persecution. You need to learn respect. :'''Squidward''': ''[Eagle squeezed squidward tightly]'' I've learned.. ''[loosely]'' I've learned respect... :'''Eagle''': I don't believe you. :''[Swallows Squidward and he ends up in the stomach, Squidward sees SpongeBob]'' ==''[[w:SpongeBob's Last Stand|SpongeBob's Last Stand (Episode 17)]]''== :'''SpongeBob''': Okay everyone, say goodbye to the worst thing that's happened to this town since 97 cent stores. :'''Everyone''': YEAH! ''[SpongeBob tries to break the highway with the tractor, but it just stopped]'' :'''Plankton''': Good effort, Spongedope, but you can't tear up my highway, it's indestructible! :'''Larry Lobster''': Not if we have anything to do with it! :'''SpongeBob''': Larry Lobster! :'''Larry Lobster''': That's right, pal, but that's not all. ''[Sandy walks out from the crowd, waving]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Sandy Squirrel! ''[Mrs. Puff walks out of the crowd]'' Mrs. Puff! ''[Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy both walk out from the crowd]'' Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy! ''[Patrick walks walk out from the crowd]'' Patrick! :'''Patrick''': Su-Su-Su-Su! :'''SpongeBob''': And Squidward! ''[Squidward doesn't walk out from the crowd]'' :'''Fish 3''': Nope, that's everybody! :'''Larry Lobster''': Push! ''[He, Patrick, Mrs. Puff, Mermaid Man, Barnacle Boy and Sandy push]'' Harder!!!!! ''[They push harder]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Harder still! :'''Fish 3''': You heard the little square guy, yeah! ''[Everybody lines up behind the tractor and pushes it]'' :'''Plankton''': Wait! I didn't count on all of you working together! ''[Everybody pushes hard enough that the highway breaks!]'' My highway! STOP! YOU CAN'T! ''[Plankton gets crushed by the tractor!]'' :'''Everyone''': YEAH! ''[The arch over the Krusty Krab breaks down in a pile of dust and the smog clears]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': Praise Neptune. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[Singing]'' ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, it's the jellyfishing song!'' :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''SpongeBob''': ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, everyone sing along!'' :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''Everyone''': ''[Singing]'' Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, it's the jellyfishing song! :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''Everyone''': ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly everyone siiiiinnnnggggg!'' ''[The camera zooms out and we cut to the Jellyfish Fields ranger]'' :'''Ranger''': ''[bored voice]'' Everyone sing along. ''[switches the "closed" sign to "open," and then walks away]'' ==Episode XVIII== ===''Back to the Past (XVIII.I)''=== :'''Mermaid Men''': ::'''#2:''' ''[running out of the time machine along with the second Barnacle Boy, Spongebob and Patrick]'' Keep your tongue out of my tarter sauce! ::'''#1:''' Imposters! ::'''#2:''' Who are you calling imposter, imposter? I must prevent our tarter sauce from being eaten by that... ''[pans to Patrick]'' ...That fool! ::'''#1:''' If I want to get near my tarter sauce, I gotta go through me first! ::'''#2:''' I’m gonna make you eat those words! ::'''#1:''' Bring It! ''[gets "slapped"]'' Take this! ''["punches" himself's hair]'' I’ll never let you win! ::'''#2:''' Oh, yes I will! ::'''Young:''' What do you make of this, Barnacle Boy? :'''Young Barnacle Boy''': Tangled Timeline, Mermaid Man. I... :'''Man Ray''': ''[laughs wickedly]'' You old coots provided me the perfect distraction. Now prepare to be disappeared! :'''Young Mermaid Man''': Sounds good on paper, you purveyor of pure evil, but, fortunately, we all know what happens to paper underwater. Barnacle Boy, the tartar sauce. ''[pours tartar sauce on the Second Man Ray]'' :'''Patrick 2''': Wow! I've never eaten that much tartar sauce. :'''Patrick 1''': Yes, you have. :'''Patrick 2''': Well, it sure ain't sittin' right. :'''Man Ray''': ''[laughs wickedly]'' Foolish mools. Once again, your buffoonery has given me victory! ''[blows up the tartar sauce can and laughs wickedly]'' Oh, I'm going to savor this. It's not every day I get to defeat Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy three times over! ''[is about to shoot two SpongeBobs, Patrick, two Old Mermaid Mans and Barnacle Boys but another time machine comes]'' :'''SpongeBob 2''': ''[He along with the second Patrick comes out of the machine]'' Patrick, don’t eat the tartar sauce! :'''Man Ray''': You’re too late! Your fat friend beat you to it. Now, prepare to taste laser! ''[another time machine comes, which it opens, and the third SpongeBob and Patrick are falling, screaming]'' So how... :'''SpongeBob 4''': ''[The time machine door with the fourth SpongeBob and Patrick]'' I told you we had to go back farther! :'''Man Ray''': Uh... ''[Tries to think but another time machine comes]'' :'''Mermaid Man 3''': Up, up, and away! ''[The third Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy jump out and fall to the ground]'' :'''SpongeBob 5''': ''[another time machine opens with the fifth Patrick also]'' Now, Patrick! ''[He along with the fifth Patrick pour tartar sauce on the third Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy and drop the can on them]'' :'''Man Ray''': I can't get my head around this. Where are they all coming from? ''[Man Ray 2's machine comes]'' Another machine? ''[Man Ray 2 comes out]'' :'''Man Ray 2''': ''[shoots his own whole time machine and laughs wickedly]'' I took care of your blasted time machine! ''[laughs again and flies away]'' :'''Man Ray''': Uh! I got to sit down and think this through. :'''Young Mermaid Man''': ''[chains Man Ray]'' Gotta! You've got plenty of time for thinking in the stony lonesome. :'''Man Ray''': I'm sorry, did you say something? I'm still trying to comprehend what just happened here. :'''Young Mermaid Man''': It's pretty simple, really. You were defeated by a convoy of continuum-cruising crime stoppers. Thank you, SpongeBob and Patrick. :'''Four SpongeBobs and Two Patricks''': You're welcome! :'''SpongeBob 6 and Patrick 6''': ''[another time machine which holds seven SpongeBobs and six Patricks comes]'' Oh, hi there! Hello! Hello! Hello! :'''One Other Patrick''': Hey! Oh, I can't believe it! :'''One Other SpongeBob''': We just wanted to come back and revisit the day that evil was defeated forever. :'''SpongeBob 7''': ''[another time machine appears]'' Hey, how you doing? :'''Patrick 7''': We're here. :'''Eighth and Ninth SpongeBobs and Patricks''': ''[two time machines appear]'' Oh, hi there! How you doing? :'''Tenth SpongeBob and Patrick''': Hello! Hello! :'''Even More SpongeBobs and Patricks''': ''[more appear]'' Oh hi there! ''[More and more appear while the episode pans into outer space]'' Hello! Hello! ===''The Bad Guy Club for Villains (XVIII.II)''=== :'''Patrick''': Hey, what happened? Why are those squiggles on the screen? :'''SpongeBob''': Those are called "End Credits", Patrick. :'''Patrick''': End credits? But I don't want it to end! :'''SpongeBob''': That's why Neptune gave us the rewind button! ''[pushes a button]'' :'''Patrick''': Thank you, Neptune! ''[The screen goes back to the beginning and zooms in before the episode ends]'' ==Episode 19== ===''A Day Without Tears (19.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': He was a good little Krabby Patty. [sniffs] I didn't know him well, but in the few short seconds between grill and floor, I--[opens the trash lid and begins crying]--I came to love him! [the patty slowly slides off his spatula and into the trash bin] It just isn't fair! [he cries even louder, soaking and enraging Squidward from the counter window] :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob, will you stop crying?! :'''SpongeBob''': But the Krabby Patty fell on the floor and then he... :'''Squidward''': Krabby Patty nothing! :'''SpongeBob''': I-- :'''Squidward''': ''[shouting]'' ''KRABBY PATTY '''NOTHING!!!!''''' ''[breathes heavily. SpongeBob whimpers]'' What now? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[stifled]'' You yelled at me... ''[wailing]'' '''YOU YELLED AT ME!!!!!!!''''' ''[continues sobbing]'' :'''Squidward''': All right, look. So far today, and it's not even 2:00 yet, you have cried 43 times. :'''SpongeBob''': And you wrote that number on a chalkboard. :'''Squidward''': Yes! :'''SpongeBob''': Why? :'''Squidward''': [pauses for a second] I have no idea. :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, Squidward, there's no way I cry that much. There's not that many tears in my brain. :'''Squidward''': Au contraire. [turns on a TV] :'''SpongeBob''': What's this? :'''Squidward''': It's a quick montage of flashbacks I've edited together that shows the hundreds of tears you have cried over the years. :''[the video begins to play, showing SpongeBob crying in the Krusty Krab, in a grocery store, at Mrs. Puff's Boating School, in Jellyfish Fields, in the bathroom, and more like near a bus stop for no reason]'' :'''SpongeBob''': [in the video] Boo! Hoo! Boohoo! Sob. Whimper. :'''Narrator''': Thousands of tears later... :''[SpongeBob continues to watch himself crying in the video]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Wow, guess I do cry a lot. I promise I won't cry anymore. :'''Squidward''': Oh, nonsense! I bet you can't go the rest of the day without crying. :'''SpongeBob''': [realizes something] Excuse me a minute. [he walks up to a rotary telephone and dials it, Patrick appears lazily sitting on his couch when his own phone rings] :'''Patrick''': [answers it] Star... residence. Patrick speaking. :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Patrick. :'''Patrick''': Hey, buddy! Is it 7:30 already? :'''SpongeBob''': No, I'm still at work. :'''Patrick''': How can I help you? :'''SpongeBob''': Do you think that I could go the rest of the day without crying? :'''Patrick''': [mouth full with popcorn] Well, of course you can. :'''SpongeBob''': Okay, great, thanks, Patrick. :'''Patrick''': Umm... sure. And did you remember to put that package outside where I told you? :'''SpongeBob''': Yeah, but I left it in a different spot. Just ask Gary, he knows where it is. :'''Patrick''': Oh, yeah. [laughs with his mouth full] Hey, good one, buddy. You almost had me there. :'''SpongeBob''': [chuckles] Okay. :'''Patrick''': Yeah, talk to you later. :'''SpongeBob''': All right, see ya. [hangs up, then walks back up to Squidward] Okay, it's a bet. :'''Squidward''': [shakes SpongeBob's hand] Fine. If you cry one tear before midnight, you have to... [thinks] Wash my bike, clean out my rain gutters, and do all my yard work for a year. :'''SpongeBob''': Sounds fair to me. And if I make it to midnight without crying, you'll come to a slumber party at my place. Just you and me. [Squidward retches and swallows] Ooh, what's the matter? :'''Squidward''': Um, nothing, I just threw up a little in my mouth. [begins talking in his thoughts] No need to worry, Squiddy. You've outdone yourself. He'll be crying in ten minutes. ===''Summer Job (19.2)''=== ==Episode 20== ===''One Coarse Meal (20.1)''=== :'''Karen''': My triumphant husband returns. How'd you fail this time? :'''Plankton''': Krabs had a whale! :'''Karen''': You mean his big, bad, scary teenage daughter? :'''Plankton''': I hear that mocking tone in your voice, Karen, and I don't appreciate it! Don't you remember what happened to my ancestors at the hands of those beasts?! :''[Plankton's family is shown being eaten by a whale]'' :'''Karen''': Okay, when you need a break from your delusional paranoia, the trash needs some attention. It's ripened. <hr width=50%> :'''Plankton''': ''[crying]'' What's the point of going on? I'll just be tortured for the rest of my life by that whale! ''[lies down]'' That's it. I'm done. The 4:15 bus should be along any time now. :'''SpongeBob''': Hi, Plankton. What are you doing laying in the middle of the road? :'''Plankton''': Go away, Cheese head! Can't you see I'm trying to get run over?! In fact, better yet, just step on me as hard as you can. Would you do that for me? :'''SpongeBob''': I'm sorry, Plankton, but that flies in the face of my good nature. :'''Plankton''': Forget it, kid. I'll just wait for the next bus. Go on back to the Krusty Krab and enjoy yourself. ===''Gary In Love (20.2)''=== ==Episode 21== ===''The Play's the Thing (21.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Squidward, no! Those patties aren't fit for public consumption! :'''Squidward''': Here, enjoy! <hr width=60%> :'''SpongeBob''': ''[tries not to cry]'' Bless you all. :'''Patrick''': I like throwing food. ''[chucks a burnt Krabby Patty at SpongeBob]'' :'''SpongeBob''': OW!! :'''All''': ''FOOD FIGHT!!!!'' <hr width=60%> :'''Squidward''': AAAAAHH!!! :'''Patrick''': Haw haw! Ah haw haw! ''[hurls an anchor]'' ===''Rodeo Daze (21.2)''=== ==External links== {{Wikipedia|SpongeBob SquarePants (season 7)}} [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants seasons]] [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]] piryzhxgaijjh7hmf9hstutlznvv3xe 3157952 3157869 2022-08-25T21:49:03Z 67.241.180.73 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 1|1]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 2|2]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 3|3]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 4|4]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 5|5]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 6|6]] '''7''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 8|8]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 9|9]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 10|10]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 11|11]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 12|12]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 13|13]] ([[SpongeBob SquarePants|Main]]) | '''Movies''': [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water|Sponge Out of Water]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run|Sponge on the Run]] | '''Spin-offs:''' [[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years|Kamp Koral]] / [[The Patrick Star Show]] ---- <br> '''''[[w:SpongeBob_SquarePants|SpongeBob SquarePants]]''''' (1999-) is an animated TV series, airing on Nickelodeon about the adventures and endeavors of the title character and his various friends in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom. It spawned [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie|a movie]], followed by several short films, and video games. ==Cast== *Tom Kenny as SpongeBob, Snooty Narrator, TV Voice, Narrator, Chopped Liver, Cop #1, Squidward's House, Jellyfish, Carney Fish #1, Fish #2, Fish #40, Fish #47, Fish #83, Gary, Worker Fish, Customer #5, Cod Darringer, Hans *Bill Fagerbakke as Patrick, TV Producer, Fish #1, Customer #2, Health Inspector, Assistant *Rodger Bumpass as Squidward, Leftover, Fish #107, Customer #3, Announcer *Clancy Brown as Mr. Krabs, Carney Fish #2, Fish #83, Customer #1 *Mr. Lawrence as Plankton, Larry the Lobster, Customer #1 *Carolyn Lawrence as Sandy *Dee Bradley Baker as Zeus, Squilliam, Cop, Worker, Newscaster, Billy, Boss, Director, Cloaked One *Lori Alan as Pearl, Grandma *Jill Talley as Twin #1, Twin #2, Karen, Fish #48, Fish #49, Customer #4 *Sirena Irwin as Agent Fish, Actress, Reporter *Mary Jo Catlett as Mrs. Puff ==Episode 1== ==="Pet or Pests" (1.1)=== :''[Mrs. Wormley and Gary are growling each other again.]'' :'''Patrick''': It looks like they're still not getting used to each other. :'''SpongeBob''': Well, these things take time. :''[Gary and Mrs. Wormsley start fighting again. SpongeBob and Patrick see the fight and they run and hide in SpongeBob's bed]'' :'''SpongeBob and Patrick''': Duck and Cover! :''[the fighting still continues outside of conch street]'' :'''Patrick''': This town is getting too rough for me. :'''SpongeBob''': He's chased her away! Now, who will care for her abandoned newborn infants? :'''Patrick''': Maybe you could take care of them. :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, no way Patrick. I've never seen Gary that upset. ==="Komputer Overload" (1.2)=== ==Episode 2== ==="Gullible Pants" (2.1)=== ==="Overbooked" (2.2)=== ==Episode 3== ==="No Hat for Pat" (3.1)=== :'''Frankie Billy''': That guy still flopping? :'''Frank''': Yeah! Amazing, isn't it? :'''Frankie Billy''': Doesn't that get old? :'''Harold''': He's got a point. :'''Frank''': Yeah. You've seen enough? :'''Harold''': Yeah, let's get out of here. [He, Frank, and another customer throw their food on the floor and leave] :'''Frankie Billy''': Me, too. I'm out. [He throws his food on the floor and leaves like everybody else] :'''Mr. Krabs''': What? Wait! Don't go! Why ya leaving? :'''Harold''': This guy's act is stale! We crave excitement! [all the other customers argue] :'''Mr. Krabs''': Okay, Okay! You want excitement? What if I added a box? [puts Patrick on a box as he falls from it] Huh? Huh? :'''Frankie Billy''': Sort of the same, really. :'''Frank''': Yeah. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Oh, okay, so what if he flopped from two boxes...? [adds another box, but the customers are still bored] ...into a cream pie? [puts a cream pie in place] :'''Patrick''': I like pie. :'''Frankie Billy''': Say now. :'''Frank''': That, I'd pay to see! ==="Toy Store of Doom" (3.2)=== ==Episode 4== ==="Sand Castles in the Sand" (4.1)=== :'''SpongeBob''': [Floating gently down] All is fair in love and war my friend slash enemy, or should I say, my friend-enemy!? [presses a sand button where a jet fighter resembling an [[w: General Dynamics F-16 Fighting Falcon|F-16]] hovers in midair until SpongeBob lands in the cockpit. It then starts chasing Patrick's robot head] Let's have some real fun! [Presses a button that launches two missiles that fly towards Patrick. Patrick screams as he turns his robot head away from the missiles] ==="Shell Shocked" (4.2)=== ==Episode 5== ==="Chum Bucket Supreme" (5.1)=== :'''Mini Brain Patrick 1''': Forget about what that word means! There's a fire breaking out in the language lobes! :'''Mini Brain Patrick 2''': We need to get outta here! ''[Mini Brain Patrick 3 pushes on a door with signs saying "PULL TO OPEN"]'' :'''Mini Brain Patrick 3''': The door's jammed! :'''Mini Brain Patrick 2''': Push harder! ''[all Mini Brain Patricks start moaning and coughing]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Karen''': Don't look now, but I think your catchy slogan days are numbered. :'''Nat''': ''[barfs on floor]'' Something's not right. :'''Pilar''': Yeah, I know, I keep sayin' "Chum is Fum" but it's...ehh...it's just not working. :'''Nat''': I'm outta here. ''[throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]'' :'''Pilar''': ''[also throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]'' :'''Plankton''': ''[To Patrick who is sleeping]'' Patrick! :'''Patrick''': ''[Wakes up]'' Huh? :'''Plankton''': We're having a board meeting here! We need ideas! :'''Patrick''': ''[Examining a line graph whose line ends in a toilet]'' Hmmmm...mmmhmmm...uh-huh. I think I see the problem. Your potty has a shocky thing in it! :'''Plankton''': ''[Annoyed]'' '''NO!''' That's not ''it'' you '''FOOL'''! We need a new slogan! You need to come up with a new genius catchphrase like ''Chum is Fum!'' But ''different''. :'''Patrick''': Oh gotcha. Hmmmm. ''[Cut to Chum Bucket, whose slogan has been switched to "Fum is Chum!"]'' :'''Nat''': I'm so happy that they changed that old tired slogan "Chum is Fum"! :'''Pilar''': Yeah that new slogan, "Fum is Chum" is way cooler! :'''Nat''': Way cooler! :'''Patrick''': Excuse me, sir. [hands resignation slip] My resignation. [shows picture of himself in a [[w:fighter aircraft|fighter plane]] shooting bullets] ==="Single Cell Anniversary" (5.2)=== :'''Plankton''': ''[singing]'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''Put down those punch cards,'' ::''Put down those punch cards,'' ::''And listen to my ode.'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''What compares to,'' ::''What compares to...'' ::''Ehhhh, um, eeh... AH-HA!'' ::''Your beautiful diodes?'' ::''(Instrumental break)'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''I was blinded, yes, I was blinded,'' ::''I was blinded by the light of your cathode ray.'' ::''Oh, I built you, yes, I built you,'' ::''I built you in the - ehhh... erm...'' ::''In the shape of a cube!'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''You'll never know how much I love your vacuum tubes!'' ==[[w:Truth or Square|"Truth or Square" (Episodes 6–7)]]== :'''SpongeBob''': Can you believe it's been eleventy seven years already? :''[Gary meows angrily]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[gasps]'' Watch the potty mouth, Gar! ==Episode 8== ==="Pineapple Fever" (8.1)=== :'''Squidward''': WHOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOO!!!! SO LONG, SUCKERS!!!! ''(falling)'' Oof! Oh, curse you, Preflumster! OOF! OH, <big>'''''CURSE YOU PREFLUMSTER!!!!'''''</big> ==="Chum Caverns" (8.2)=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': Satisfied with yourself, Plankton! Now you've trapped us all underground! :'''Fish #5''': But at least we're trapped in a good restaurant! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Capturing customers! I should've though of it sooner, but without Squidward, I need someone to work the register. ''[Cut to Plankton and a cave creature working the register. The creature raises its whip]'' :'''Cave Dweller #2''': '''AAUUGGHHH!!!''' ==[[w:The Clash of Triton|"The Clash of Triton" (Episode 9)]]== :'''Sadie''': Did you hear that? Neptune said it was all because of ''that'' guy! ''[citizens with torches, pitchforks, splinters, and other weapons form a mob with the damaged city in the background]'' :'''Policeman''': He ''did'', did he? :'''Patrick''': Uh... SpongeBob? :'''SpongeBob''': Yes, Patrick? :'''Patrick''': Do you think now's a good time to get those Triple Gooberry Sundays you were talking about? :'''SpongeBob''': I think now would be an excellent time, yes. (But let's run first and see if we can lose the mob.) ''[the episode ends with he and Patrick screaming whilst getting chased by the angry mob]'' ==Episode 10== ===''Tentacle-Vision (10.1)''=== :'''Patrick''': ''[laughing]'' My shorts are wet! <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Patrick, just how dumb ''are'' you? :'''Patrick''': It varies. ===''I love Dancing (10.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': ''[upon seeing SpongeBob dancing]'' That is the stupidest dance I've ever seen. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[to Squidward]'' Who put you on the planet? ---- :'''Twin Sisters''': [singing] We're tiny, we're cuddly, we're bubbly, wubbly, huggly! :'''Talent Agent''': That was very cute, girls! ''[then annoyed]'' In fact, it's ''too'' cute. You're out. :'''Twin Sisters''': I told you it was a stupid idea... and I hate you, too! ==Episode 11== ===''Growth Spout (11.1)''=== :'''Cracker''': What am I, chopped liver? :'''Offscreen voice''': No, that's what ''I'' am. ''[zoom out showing a jar of chopped liver]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Mrs. Puff''': ''[in her sleep]'' Must...protect garden. <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward's house''': Oh, well. I needed to lose a little weight anyway. ===''Stuck in the Wringer (11.2)''=== ==Episode 12== ===''Someone's in the Kitchen with Sandy (12.1)''=== ===''The Inside Job (12.2)''=== :''[Plankton unplugs SpongeBob's ear drum]'' :'''Plankton''': Let me see what I can tune in here. Hmm. :'''Mr. Krabs''': The secret of the Krabby Patty formula is-- :'''Plankton''': Jackpot! :'''Spongebob''': Huh? :'''Mr, Krabs''': I said-- :'''SpongeBob''': Could you speak a little louder, please? :'''Mr. Krabs''': The secret to the Krabby Patty formula-- :'''SpongeBob''': What? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Hold on. :'''Plankton''': Here it comes! :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[shouting into a megaphone] <big>'''THE SECRET TO THE KRABBY PATTY FORMULA IS...!'''</big> [The shouting causes Plankton's ears to pop]'' :'''Plankton''': OW!!! I hate my life! <hr width=50%> :'''Plankton''': Enough with these petty carnal senses. If I'm going to get the Krabby Patty recipe...''[he arrives at...]'' The brain! :''[Snickering evily, he sticks one end of the mind connector to the brain and absorbs some of it]'' :'''Plankton''': Hi, friend! [he gasps as he saw "Superficial Greetings" on the brain] "Superficial Greetings"? What kind of idiot...? ''[sees the parts of the brain]'' --"Personal Opinions"? "Knock-knock Jokes"?! No, no, no, no! This is all useless! ==Episode 13== ===''Greasy Buffoons (13.1)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs/Plankton''': Oh, no! Did somebody call the Health inspector? :'''Health inspector''': Did somebody call a... Health inspector? ===''Model Sponge (13.2)''=== ==Episode 14== ===''Keep Bikini Bottom Beautiful (14.1)''=== ===''A Pal for Gary (14.2)''=== :''[Spongebob sees little puffy fish being sold by a peddler, and becomes enticed by them and decides to get one of them for Gary] :'''SpongeBob''': I'll take that one right there! :'''Store Owner''': You wish to have one of my rare and extremely dangerous... huh? :'''SpongeBob''': Oh yeah this is the one. ''[picks one of them]'' :'''Store Owner''': Beware, boy, this is no ordinary pet! :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, Gary's gonna be so happy! :'''Store Owner''': You ''must'' understand. These pets can be ''very'' unstable. especially around other pets! :''[She proves this by showing a picture of a cat next to another puffy fish, who snarls at it.]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[obliviously]'' Yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks, bye. ''[he runs off]'' :'''Store Owner''': Why bother? They never listen. <hr width=50%> :'''Spongebob''': Ahh. I can rest so peacefully, now that Gary's got a good pal they could play with. :''[Just as he goes to sleep, Gary bursts through the door, scared and meowing in alarm, causing him to wake up with a start.]'' :'''Spongebob''': Gary! Shame on you! ''[takes Gary back in the living room]'' Puffy Fluffy is perfectly harmless. ''[he takes the blanket off, revealing what he thinks is normal Puffy Fluffy]'' See there he is fast asleep. Now will you let me sleep, Gary, please? [sets Gary back on a small green bed and covers him with a small blanket] Good night. ''[goes back to bed]'' <hr width=50%> :''[After Spongebob wakes up and notices the damage to the house, thanks to Puffy Fluffy]'' :'''Spongebob''': Huh? What's this? Must have been a sea quake last night. Oh well, what are you gonna do? ''[opens the galley door which falls over]'' That's unusual. WHOA!! [sees the library which is a total wreck] My library! ''[gasps]'' And my prized memoirs of T.S. Halibut! ''[gasps]'' My clothes! [picks up his torn pants] This was no random sea quake, Who could have done this? Why, there was no one here except... ''[mistakenly realizes something]'' ...Gary. I bet he's jealous about the new friend! ==Episode 15== ===''Yours, Mine and Mine (15.1)''=== :'''Patrick''': Uh, I'm not home right now! Please leave a message! Beeeep... :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick, it's me! SpongeBob! It's my turn to play with the toy! :'''Patrick''': I can't go out! I just washed my hair! :'''SpongeBob''': You don't have any h-come out, Patrick! It's MY turn!! :'''Patrick''': Got any ID? :'''SpongeBob''': I have my milkshake dispenser operator license. :'''Patrick''': ''[looks at it]'' Looks fake to me pal! Bye-Bye now! :'''SpongeBob''': Well, I guess I had best be going! ''[Pretends to walk away]'' I'm walking away...Here I go... ''[quietly]'' I'm gone now! ''[hides on Patrick's antenna]'' :'''Patrick''': You sure? :'''SpongeBob''': I'm sure! ''[Patrick comes out, he jumps at him]'' Hi, Patrick! Time to ''SHARE!'' :'''Patrick''': DECEIVER! You didn't leave at all!! :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, and you were washing your hair!?! :'''Patrick''': I was too, See? ''[shows his armpit hair]'' <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': [Surprised] Gary was so right about you! You're a non-sharer! :'''Patrick''': Gary said that? You're off my friend list, Gary!! :'''Gary''': Meow. [turns and slithers back into SpongeBob's house] :'''SpongeBob''': Hand it over, Patrick! ''I'' get to play with the Patty Pal today! :'''Patrick''': You can't take it, It's not fair! :'''SpongeBob''': How about I take it for ''half'' a day? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': How about we trade off every ''hour''? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': Every ''half'' hour? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': Every ''fifteen minutes''? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': ''Five'' minutes? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': ''One'' minute? :'''Patrick''': N-n-no! :'''SpongeBob''': Okay then, for our final offer we trade off every ''second!'' :''[They pass Patty Pal back and fourth every second]'' :'''Patrick''': One. :'''SpongeBob''': One. :'''Patrick''': One. :''[Pause, Patrick runs off while SpongeBob tears himself angrily]'' ===''Kracked Krabs (15.2)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs:''': Lad, you're surrounded by stingy wisdom, so try to pick up some pointers. But whatever you do, don't lend anyone money! :'''SpongeBob:''': ''[lending money to another crab]'' 25, 26... ==Episode 16== ===''The Curse of Bikini Bottom (16.1)''=== ===''Squidward in Clarinetland (16.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': Order up, SpongeBob! :''[walk towards SpongeBob]'' :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob! What do you think you're doing? You're supposed to be fry cooking. I told you not to touch my stuff! :'''SpongeBob''': I didn't! I wore protective gloves! And besides, don't you like how classy it look now? :'''Squidward''': Velvet.. :'''SpongeBob''': Now I'd like to stand by and idly chat with you, Squidward, But I must attend to my Krusty Krab duties! In the future, please keep your interruptions to a minimum sir, please! <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Hey, come back! I need my clarinet! Come Back! Where are you? Sponge- :''[bumps into an eagle head]'' :'''Eagle''': I am the keeper of the horned forest, state your business here. :'''Squidward''': uuhh.. I'm.. trying to find my clarinet. :'''Eagle''': ''Your'' clarinet? :'''Squidward:''': Yes, my clarinet! Which I am the proud owner. :''[Eagle laughs]'' :'''Eagle''': A clarinet is not owned. Why don't you tell me why you're really here? :'''Squidward''': You calling me a ''LIAR?!'' :''[Eagle grabs Squidward with his tongue]'' :'''Eagle''': I don't appreciate your tone. :'''Squidward''': I'm sorry I-I-I didn't mean to offend you. :'''Eagle''': This is a sacred place where clarinets live without persecution. You need to learn respect. :'''Squidward''': ''[Eagle squeezed squidward tightly]'' I've learned.. ''[loosely]'' I've learned respect... :'''Eagle''': I don't believe you. :''[Swallows Squidward and he ends up in the stomach, Squidward sees SpongeBob]'' ==''[[w:SpongeBob's Last Stand|SpongeBob's Last Stand (Episode 17)]]''== :'''SpongeBob''': Okay everyone, say goodbye to the worst thing that's happened to this town since 97 cent stores. :'''Everyone''': YEAH! ''[SpongeBob tries to break the highway with the tractor, but it just stopped]'' :'''Plankton''': Good effort, Spongedope, but you can't tear up my highway, it's indestructible! :'''Larry Lobster''': Not if we have anything to do with it! :'''SpongeBob''': Larry Lobster! :'''Larry Lobster''': That's right, pal, but that's not all. ''[Sandy walks out from the crowd, waving]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Sandy Squirrel! ''[Mrs. Puff walks out of the crowd]'' Mrs. Puff! ''[Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy both walk out from the crowd]'' Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy! ''[Patrick walks walk out from the crowd]'' Patrick! :'''Patrick''': Su-Su-Su-Su! :'''SpongeBob''': And Squidward! ''[Squidward doesn't walk out from the crowd]'' :'''Fish 3''': Nope, that's everybody! :'''Larry Lobster''': Push! ''[He, Patrick, Mrs. Puff, Mermaid Man, Barnacle Boy and Sandy push]'' Harder!!!!! ''[They push harder]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Harder still! :'''Fish 3''': You heard the little square guy, yeah! ''[Everybody lines up behind the tractor and pushes it]'' :'''Plankton''': Wait! I didn't count on all of you working together! ''[Everybody pushes hard enough that the highway breaks!]'' My highway! STOP! YOU CAN'T! ''[Plankton gets crushed by the tractor!]'' :'''Everyone''': YEAH! ''[The arch over the Krusty Krab breaks down in a pile of dust and the smog clears]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': Praise Neptune. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[Singing]'' ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, it's the jellyfishing song!'' :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''SpongeBob''': ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, everyone sing along!'' :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''Everyone''': ''[Singing]'' Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, it's the jellyfishing song! :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''Everyone''': ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly everyone siiiiinnnnggggg!'' ''[The camera zooms out and we cut to the Jellyfish Fields ranger]'' :'''Ranger''': ''[bored voice]'' Everyone sing along. ''[switches the "closed" sign to "open," and then walks away]'' ==Episode XVIII== ===''Back to the Past (XVIII.I)''=== :'''Mermaid Men''': ::'''#2:''' ''[running out of the time machine along with the second Barnacle Boy, Spongebob and Patrick]'' Keep your tongue out of my tarter sauce! ::'''#1:''' Imposters! ::'''#2:''' Who are you calling imposter, imposter? I must prevent our tarter sauce from being eaten by that... ''[pans to Patrick]'' ...That fool! ::'''#1:''' If I want to get near my tarter sauce, I gotta go through me first! ::'''#2:''' I’m gonna make you eat those words! ::'''#1:''' Bring It! ''[gets "slapped"]'' Take this! ''["punches" himself's hair]'' I’ll never let you win! ::'''#2:''' Oh, yes I will! ::'''Young:''' What do you make of this, Barnacle Boy? :'''Young Barnacle Boy''': Tangled Timeline, Mermaid Man. I... :'''Man Ray''': ''[laughs wickedly]'' You old coots provided me the perfect distraction. Now prepare to be disappeared! :'''Young Mermaid Man''': Sounds good on paper, you purveyor of pure evil, but, fortunately, we all know what happens to paper underwater. Barnacle Boy, the tartar sauce. ''[pours tartar sauce on the Second Man Ray]'' :'''Patrick 2''': Wow! I've never eaten that much tartar sauce. :'''Patrick 1''': Yes, you have. :'''Patrick 2''': Well, it sure ain't sittin' right. :'''Man Ray''': ''[laughs wickedly]'' Foolish mools. Once again, your buffoonery has given me victory! ''[blows up the tartar sauce can and laughs wickedly]'' Oh, I'm going to savor this. It's not every day I get to defeat Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy three times over! ''[is about to shoot two SpongeBobs, Patrick, two Old Mermaid Mans and Barnacle Boys but another time machine comes]'' :'''SpongeBob 2''': ''[He along with the second Patrick comes out of the machine]'' Patrick, don’t eat the tartar sauce! :'''Man Ray''': You’re too late! Your fat friend beat you to it. Now, prepare to taste laser! ''[another time machine comes, which it opens, and the third SpongeBob and Patrick are falling, screaming]'' So how... :'''SpongeBob 4''': ''[The time machine door with the fourth SpongeBob and Patrick]'' I told you we had to go back farther! :'''Man Ray''': Uh... ''[Tries to think but another time machine comes]'' :'''Mermaid Man 3''': Up, up, and away! ''[The third Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy jump out and fall to the ground]'' :'''SpongeBob 5''': ''[another time machine opens with the fifth Patrick also]'' Now, Patrick! ''[He along with the fifth Patrick pour tartar sauce on the third Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy and drop the can on them]'' :'''Man Ray''': I can't get my head around this. Where are they all coming from? ''[Man Ray 2's machine comes]'' Another machine? ''[Man Ray 2 comes out]'' :'''Man Ray 2''': ''[shoots his own whole time machine and laughs wickedly]'' I took care of your blasted time machine! ''[laughs again and flies away]'' :'''Man Ray''': Uh! I got to sit down and think this through. :'''Young Mermaid Man''': ''[chains Man Ray]'' Gotta! You've got plenty of time for thinking in the stony lonesome. :'''Man Ray''': I'm sorry, did you say something? I'm still trying to comprehend what just happened here. :'''Young Mermaid Man''': It's pretty simple, really. You were defeated by a convoy of continuum-cruising crime stoppers. Thank you, SpongeBob and Patrick. :'''Four SpongeBobs and Two Patricks''': You're welcome! :'''SpongeBob 6 and Patrick 6''': ''[another time machine which holds seven SpongeBobs and six Patricks comes]'' Oh, hi there! Hello! Hello! Hello! :'''One Other Patrick''': Hey! Oh, I can't believe it! :'''One Other SpongeBob''': We just wanted to come back and revisit the day that evil was defeated forever. :'''SpongeBob 7''': ''[another time machine appears]'' Hey, how you doing? :'''Patrick 7''': We're here. :'''Eighth and Ninth SpongeBobs and Patricks''': ''[two time machines appear]'' Oh, hi there! How you doing? :'''Tenth SpongeBob and Patrick''': Hello! Hello! :'''Even More SpongeBobs and Patricks''': ''[more appear]'' Oh hi there! ''[More and more appear while the episode pans into outer space]'' Hello! Hello! ===''The Bad Guy Club for Villains (XVIII.II)''=== :'''Patrick''': Hey, what happened? Why are those squiggles on the screen? :'''SpongeBob''': Those are called "End Credits", Patrick. :'''Patrick''': End credits? But I don't want it to end! :'''SpongeBob''': That's why Neptune gave us the rewind button! ''[pushes a button]'' :'''Patrick''': Thank you, Neptune! ''[The screen goes back to the beginning and zooms in before the episode ends]'' ==Episode 19== ===''A Day Without Tears (19.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': He was a good little Krabby Patty. [sniffs] I didn't know him well, but in the few short seconds between grill and floor, I--[opens the trash lid and begins crying]--I came to love him! [the patty slowly slides off his spatula and into the trash bin] It just isn't fair! [he cries even louder, soaking and enraging Squidward from the counter window] :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob, will you stop crying?! :'''SpongeBob''': But the Krabby Patty fell on the floor and then he... :'''Squidward''': Krabby Patty nothing! :'''SpongeBob''': I-- :'''Squidward''': ''[shouting]'' ''KRABBY PATTY '''NOTHING!!!!''''' ''[breathes heavily. SpongeBob whimpers]'' What now? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[stifled]'' You yelled at me... ''[wailing]'' '''YOU YELLED AT ME!!!!!!!''''' ''[continues sobbing]'' :'''Squidward''': All right, look. So far today, and it's not even 2:00 yet, you have cried 43 times. :'''SpongeBob''': And you wrote that number on a chalkboard. :'''Squidward''': Yes! :'''SpongeBob''': Why? :'''Squidward''': [pauses for a second] I have no idea. :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, Squidward, there's no way I cry that much. There's not that many tears in my brain. :'''Squidward''': Au contraire. [turns on a TV] :'''SpongeBob''': What's this? :'''Squidward''': It's a quick montage of flashbacks I've edited together that shows the hundreds of tears you have cried over the years. :''[the video begins to play, showing SpongeBob crying in the Krusty Krab, in a grocery store, at Mrs. Puff's Boating School, in Jellyfish Fields, in the bathroom, and more like near a bus stop for no reason]'' :'''SpongeBob''': [in the video] Boo! Hoo! Boohoo! Sob. Whimper. :'''Narrator''': Thousands of tears later... :''[SpongeBob continues to watch himself crying in the video]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Wow, guess I do cry a lot. I promise I won't cry anymore. :'''Squidward''': Oh, nonsense! I bet you can't go the rest of the day without crying. :'''SpongeBob''': [realizes something] Excuse me a minute. [he walks up to a rotary telephone and dials it, Patrick appears lazily sitting on his couch when his own phone rings] :'''Patrick''': [answers it] Star... residence. Patrick speaking. :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Patrick. :'''Patrick''': Hey, buddy! Is it 7:30 already? :'''SpongeBob''': No, I'm still at work. :'''Patrick''': How can I help you? :'''SpongeBob''': Do you think that I could go the rest of the day without crying? :'''Patrick''': [mouth full with popcorn] Well, of course you can. :'''SpongeBob''': Okay, great, thanks, Patrick. :'''Patrick''': Umm... sure. And did you remember to put that package outside where I told you? :'''SpongeBob''': Yeah, but I left it in a different spot. Just ask Gary, he knows where it is. :'''Patrick''': Oh, yeah. [laughs with his mouth full] Hey, good one, buddy. You almost had me there. :'''SpongeBob''': [chuckles] Okay. :'''Patrick''': Yeah, talk to you later. :'''SpongeBob''': All right, see ya. [hangs up, then walks back up to Squidward] Okay, it's a bet. :'''Squidward''': [shakes SpongeBob's hand] Fine. If you cry one tear before midnight, you have to... [thinks] Wash my bike, clean out my rain gutters, and do all my yard work for a year. :'''SpongeBob''': Sounds fair to me. And if I make it to midnight without crying, you'll come to a slumber party at my place. Just you and me. [Squidward retches and swallows] Ooh, what's the matter? :'''Squidward''': Um, nothing, I just threw up a little in my mouth. [begins talking in his thoughts] No need to worry, Squiddy. You've outdone yourself. He'll be crying in ten minutes. ===''Summer Job (19.2)''=== ==Episode 20== ===''One Coarse Meal (20.1)''=== :'''Karen''': My triumphant husband returns. How'd you fail this time? :'''Plankton''': Krabs had a whale! :'''Karen''': You mean his big, bad, scary teenage daughter? :'''Plankton''': I hear that mocking tone in your voice, Karen, and I don't appreciate it! Don't you remember what happened to my ancestors at the hands of those beasts?! :''[Plankton's family is shown being eaten by a whale]'' :'''Karen''': Okay, when you need a break from your delusional paranoia, the trash needs some attention. It's ripened. <hr width=50%> :'''Plankton''': ''[crying]'' What's the point of going on? I'll just be tortured for the rest of my life by that whale! ''[lies down]'' That's it. I'm done. The 4:15 bus should be along any time now. :'''SpongeBob''': Hi, Plankton. What are you doing laying in the middle of the road? :'''Plankton''': Go away, Cheese head! Can't you see I'm trying to get run over?! In fact, better yet, just step on me as hard as you can. Would you do that for me? :'''SpongeBob''': I'm sorry, Plankton, but that flies in the face of my good nature. :'''Plankton''': Forget it, kid. I'll just wait for the next bus. Go on back to the Krusty Krab and enjoy yourself. ===''Gary In Love (20.2)''=== ==Episode 21== ===''The Play's the Thing (21.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Squidward, no! Those patties aren't fit for public consumption! :'''Squidward''': Here, enjoy! <hr width=60%> :'''SpongeBob''': ''[tries not to cry]'' Bless you all. :'''Patrick''': I like throwing food. ''[chucks a burnt Krabby Patty at SpongeBob]'' :'''SpongeBob''': OW!! :'''All''': ''FOOD FIGHT!!!!'' <hr width=60%> :'''Squidward''': AAAAAHH!!! :'''Patrick''': Haw haw! Ah haw haw! ''[hurls an anchor]'' ===''Rodeo Daze (21.2)''=== ==External links== {{Wikipedia|SpongeBob SquarePants (season 7)}} [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants seasons]] [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]] jhh24dl177ihl5z23m452mjwexppj2a 3157971 3157952 2022-08-25T22:25:00Z 67.241.180.73 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 1|1]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 2|2]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 3|3]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 4|4]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 5|5]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 6|6]] '''7''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 8|8]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 9|9]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 10|10]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 11|11]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 12|12]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 13|13]] ([[SpongeBob SquarePants|Main]]) | '''Movies''': [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water|Sponge Out of Water]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run|Sponge on the Run]] | '''Spin-offs:''' [[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years|Kamp Koral]] / [[The Patrick Star Show]] ---- <br> '''''[[w:SpongeBob_SquarePants|SpongeBob SquarePants]]''''' (1999-) is an animated TV series, airing on Nickelodeon about the adventures and endeavors of the title character and his various friends in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom. It spawned [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie|a movie]], followed by several short films, and video games. ==Cast== *Tom Kenny as SpongeBob, Snooty Narrator, TV Voice, Narrator, Chopped Liver, Cop #1, Squidward's House, Jellyfish, Carney Fish #1, Fish #2, Fish #40, Fish #47, Fish #83, Gary, Worker Fish, Customer #5, Cod Darringer, Hans, Cop, Trash Fish, Fish #107, Cowboy *Bill Fagerbakke as Patrick, TV Producer, Fish #1, Customer #2, Health Inspector, Assistant *Rodger Bumpass as Squidward, Leftover, Fish #107, Customer #3, Announcer *Clancy Brown as Mr. Krabs, Carney Fish #2, Fish #83, Customer #1, Dad *Mr. Lawrence as Plankton, Larry the Lobster, Customer #1 *Carolyn Lawrence as Sandy *Dee Bradley Baker as Zeus, Squilliam, Cop, Worker, Newscaster, Billy, Boss, Director, Cloaked One, Boy Fish *Lori Alan as Pearl, Grandma *Jill Talley as Twin #1, Twin #2, Karen, Fish #48, Fish #49, Customer #4, Fish #157, Mom, Gramma *Sirena Irwin as Agent Fish, Actress, Reporter, Kid Fish, Fortune Teller *Mary Jo Catlett as Mrs. Puff *Chiba as Kitten ==Episode 1== ==="Pet or Pests" (1.1)=== :''[Mrs. Wormley and Gary are growling each other again.]'' :'''Patrick''': It looks like they're still not getting used to each other. :'''SpongeBob''': Well, these things take time. :''[Gary and Mrs. Wormsley start fighting again. SpongeBob and Patrick see the fight and they run and hide in SpongeBob's bed]'' :'''SpongeBob and Patrick''': Duck and Cover! :''[the fighting still continues outside of conch street]'' :'''Patrick''': This town is getting too rough for me. :'''SpongeBob''': He's chased her away! Now, who will care for her abandoned newborn infants? :'''Patrick''': Maybe you could take care of them. :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, no way Patrick. I've never seen Gary that upset. ==="Komputer Overload" (1.2)=== ==Episode 2== ==="Gullible Pants" (2.1)=== ==="Overbooked" (2.2)=== ==Episode 3== ==="No Hat for Pat" (3.1)=== :'''Frankie Billy''': That guy still flopping? :'''Frank''': Yeah! Amazing, isn't it? :'''Frankie Billy''': Doesn't that get old? :'''Harold''': He's got a point. :'''Frank''': Yeah. You've seen enough? :'''Harold''': Yeah, let's get out of here. [He, Frank, and another customer throw their food on the floor and leave] :'''Frankie Billy''': Me, too. I'm out. [He throws his food on the floor and leaves like everybody else] :'''Mr. Krabs''': What? Wait! Don't go! Why ya leaving? :'''Harold''': This guy's act is stale! We crave excitement! [all the other customers argue] :'''Mr. Krabs''': Okay, Okay! You want excitement? What if I added a box? [puts Patrick on a box as he falls from it] Huh? Huh? :'''Frankie Billy''': Sort of the same, really. :'''Frank''': Yeah. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Oh, okay, so what if he flopped from two boxes...? [adds another box, but the customers are still bored] ...into a cream pie? [puts a cream pie in place] :'''Patrick''': I like pie. :'''Frankie Billy''': Say now. :'''Frank''': That, I'd pay to see! ==="Toy Store of Doom" (3.2)=== ==Episode 4== ==="Sand Castles in the Sand" (4.1)=== :'''SpongeBob''': [Floating gently down] All is fair in love and war my friend slash enemy, or should I say, my friend-enemy!? [presses a sand button where a jet fighter resembling an [[w: General Dynamics F-16 Fighting Falcon|F-16]] hovers in midair until SpongeBob lands in the cockpit. It then starts chasing Patrick's robot head] Let's have some real fun! [Presses a button that launches two missiles that fly towards Patrick. Patrick screams as he turns his robot head away from the missiles] ==="Shell Shocked" (4.2)=== ==Episode 5== ==="Chum Bucket Supreme" (5.1)=== :'''Mini Brain Patrick 1''': Forget about what that word means! There's a fire breaking out in the language lobes! :'''Mini Brain Patrick 2''': We need to get outta here! ''[Mini Brain Patrick 3 pushes on a door with signs saying "PULL TO OPEN"]'' :'''Mini Brain Patrick 3''': The door's jammed! :'''Mini Brain Patrick 2''': Push harder! ''[all Mini Brain Patricks start moaning and coughing]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Karen''': Don't look now, but I think your catchy slogan days are numbered. :'''Nat''': ''[barfs on floor]'' Something's not right. :'''Pilar''': Yeah, I know, I keep sayin' "Chum is Fum" but it's...ehh...it's just not working. :'''Nat''': I'm outta here. ''[throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]'' :'''Pilar''': ''[also throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]'' :'''Plankton''': ''[To Patrick who is sleeping]'' Patrick! :'''Patrick''': ''[Wakes up]'' Huh? :'''Plankton''': We're having a board meeting here! We need ideas! :'''Patrick''': ''[Examining a line graph whose line ends in a toilet]'' Hmmmm...mmmhmmm...uh-huh. I think I see the problem. Your potty has a shocky thing in it! :'''Plankton''': ''[Annoyed]'' '''NO!''' That's not ''it'' you '''FOOL'''! We need a new slogan! You need to come up with a new genius catchphrase like ''Chum is Fum!'' But ''different''. :'''Patrick''': Oh gotcha. Hmmmm. ''[Cut to Chum Bucket, whose slogan has been switched to "Fum is Chum!"]'' :'''Nat''': I'm so happy that they changed that old tired slogan "Chum is Fum"! :'''Pilar''': Yeah that new slogan, "Fum is Chum" is way cooler! :'''Nat''': Way cooler! :'''Patrick''': Excuse me, sir. [hands resignation slip] My resignation. [shows picture of himself in a [[w:fighter aircraft|fighter plane]] shooting bullets] ==="Single Cell Anniversary" (5.2)=== :'''Plankton''': ''[singing]'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''Put down those punch cards,'' ::''Put down those punch cards,'' ::''And listen to my ode.'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''What compares to,'' ::''What compares to...'' ::''Ehhhh, um, eeh... AH-HA!'' ::''Your beautiful diodes?'' ::''(Instrumental break)'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''I was blinded, yes, I was blinded,'' ::''I was blinded by the light of your cathode ray.'' ::''Oh, I built you, yes, I built you,'' ::''I built you in the - ehhh... erm...'' ::''In the shape of a cube!'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''You'll never know how much I love your vacuum tubes!'' ==[[w:Truth or Square|"Truth or Square" (Episodes 6–7)]]== :'''SpongeBob''': Can you believe it's been eleventy seven years already? :''[Gary meows angrily]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[gasps]'' Watch the potty mouth, Gar! ==Episode 8== ==="Pineapple Fever" (8.1)=== :'''Squidward''': WHOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOO!!!! SO LONG, SUCKERS!!!! ''(falling)'' Oof! Oh, curse you, Preflumster! OOF! OH, <big>'''''CURSE YOU PREFLUMSTER!!!!'''''</big> ==="Chum Caverns" (8.2)=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': Satisfied with yourself, Plankton! Now you've trapped us all underground! :'''Fish #5''': But at least we're trapped in a good restaurant! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Capturing customers! I should've though of it sooner, but without Squidward, I need someone to work the register. ''[Cut to Plankton and a cave creature working the register. The creature raises its whip]'' :'''Cave Dweller #2''': '''AAUUGGHHH!!!''' ==[[w:The Clash of Triton|"The Clash of Triton" (Episode 9)]]== :'''Sadie''': Did you hear that? Neptune said it was all because of ''that'' guy! ''[citizens with torches, pitchforks, splinters, and other weapons form a mob with the damaged city in the background]'' :'''Policeman''': He ''did'', did he? :'''Patrick''': Uh... SpongeBob? :'''SpongeBob''': Yes, Patrick? :'''Patrick''': Do you think now's a good time to get those Triple Gooberry Sundays you were talking about? :'''SpongeBob''': I think now would be an excellent time, yes. (But let's run first and see if we can lose the mob.) ''[the episode ends with he and Patrick screaming whilst getting chased by the angry mob]'' ==Episode 10== ===''Tentacle-Vision (10.1)''=== :'''Patrick''': ''[laughing]'' My shorts are wet! <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Patrick, just how dumb ''are'' you? :'''Patrick''': It varies. ===''I love Dancing (10.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': ''[upon seeing SpongeBob dancing]'' That is the stupidest dance I've ever seen. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[to Squidward]'' Who put you on the planet? ---- :'''Twin Sisters''': [singing] We're tiny, we're cuddly, we're bubbly, wubbly, huggly! :'''Talent Agent''': That was very cute, girls! ''[then annoyed]'' In fact, it's ''too'' cute. You're out. :'''Twin Sisters''': I told you it was a stupid idea... and I hate you, too! ==Episode 11== ===''Growth Spout (11.1)''=== :'''Cracker''': What am I, chopped liver? :'''Offscreen voice''': No, that's what ''I'' am. ''[zoom out showing a jar of chopped liver]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Mrs. Puff''': ''[in her sleep]'' Must...protect garden. <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward's house''': Oh, well. I needed to lose a little weight anyway. ===''Stuck in the Wringer (11.2)''=== ==Episode 12== ===''Someone's in the Kitchen with Sandy (12.1)''=== ===''The Inside Job (12.2)''=== :''[Plankton unplugs SpongeBob's ear drum]'' :'''Plankton''': Let me see what I can tune in here. Hmm. :'''Mr. Krabs''': The secret of the Krabby Patty formula is-- :'''Plankton''': Jackpot! :'''Spongebob''': Huh? :'''Mr, Krabs''': I said-- :'''SpongeBob''': Could you speak a little louder, please? :'''Mr. Krabs''': The secret to the Krabby Patty formula-- :'''SpongeBob''': What? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Hold on. :'''Plankton''': Here it comes! :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[shouting into a megaphone] <big>'''THE SECRET TO THE KRABBY PATTY FORMULA IS...!'''</big> [The shouting causes Plankton's ears to pop]'' :'''Plankton''': OW!!! I hate my life! <hr width=50%> :'''Plankton''': Enough with these petty carnal senses. If I'm going to get the Krabby Patty recipe...''[he arrives at...]'' The brain! :''[Snickering evily, he sticks one end of the mind connector to the brain and absorbs some of it]'' :'''Plankton''': Hi, friend! [he gasps as he saw "Superficial Greetings" on the brain] "Superficial Greetings"? What kind of idiot...? ''[sees the parts of the brain]'' --"Personal Opinions"? "Knock-knock Jokes"?! No, no, no, no! This is all useless! ==Episode 13== ===''Greasy Buffoons (13.1)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs/Plankton''': Oh, no! Did somebody call the Health inspector? :'''Health inspector''': Did somebody call a... Health inspector? ===''Model Sponge (13.2)''=== ==Episode 14== ===''Keep Bikini Bottom Beautiful (14.1)''=== ===''A Pal for Gary (14.2)''=== :''[Spongebob sees little puffy fish being sold by a peddler, and becomes enticed by them and decides to get one of them for Gary] :'''SpongeBob''': I'll take that one right there! :'''Store Owner''': You wish to have one of my rare and extremely dangerous... huh? :'''SpongeBob''': Oh yeah this is the one. ''[picks one of them]'' :'''Store Owner''': Beware, boy, this is no ordinary pet! :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, Gary's gonna be so happy! :'''Store Owner''': You ''must'' understand. These pets can be ''very'' unstable. especially around other pets! :''[She proves this by showing a picture of a cat next to another puffy fish, who snarls at it.]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[obliviously]'' Yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks, bye. ''[he runs off]'' :'''Store Owner''': Why bother? They never listen. <hr width=50%> :'''Spongebob''': Ahh. I can rest so peacefully, now that Gary's got a good pal they could play with. :''[Just as he goes to sleep, Gary bursts through the door, scared and meowing in alarm, causing him to wake up with a start.]'' :'''Spongebob''': Gary! Shame on you! ''[takes Gary back in the living room]'' Puffy Fluffy is perfectly harmless. ''[he takes the blanket off, revealing what he thinks is normal Puffy Fluffy]'' See there he is fast asleep. Now will you let me sleep, Gary, please? [sets Gary back on a small green bed and covers him with a small blanket] Good night. ''[goes back to bed]'' <hr width=50%> :''[After Spongebob wakes up and notices the damage to the house, thanks to Puffy Fluffy]'' :'''Spongebob''': Huh? What's this? Must have been a sea quake last night. Oh well, what are you gonna do? ''[opens the galley door which falls over]'' That's unusual. WHOA!! [sees the library which is a total wreck] My library! ''[gasps]'' And my prized memoirs of T.S. Halibut! ''[gasps]'' My clothes! [picks up his torn pants] This was no random sea quake, Who could have done this? Why, there was no one here except... ''[mistakenly realizes something]'' ...Gary. I bet he's jealous about the new friend! ==Episode 15== ===''Yours, Mine and Mine (15.1)''=== :'''Patrick''': Uh, I'm not home right now! Please leave a message! Beeeep... :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick, it's me! SpongeBob! It's my turn to play with the toy! :'''Patrick''': I can't go out! I just washed my hair! :'''SpongeBob''': You don't have any h-come out, Patrick! It's MY turn!! :'''Patrick''': Got any ID? :'''SpongeBob''': I have my milkshake dispenser operator license. :'''Patrick''': ''[looks at it]'' Looks fake to me pal! Bye-Bye now! :'''SpongeBob''': Well, I guess I had best be going! ''[Pretends to walk away]'' I'm walking away...Here I go... ''[quietly]'' I'm gone now! ''[hides on Patrick's antenna]'' :'''Patrick''': You sure? :'''SpongeBob''': I'm sure! ''[Patrick comes out, he jumps at him]'' Hi, Patrick! Time to ''SHARE!'' :'''Patrick''': DECEIVER! You didn't leave at all!! :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, and you were washing your hair!?! :'''Patrick''': I was too, See? ''[shows his armpit hair]'' <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': [Surprised] Gary was so right about you! You're a non-sharer! :'''Patrick''': Gary said that? You're off my friend list, Gary!! :'''Gary''': Meow. [turns and slithers back into SpongeBob's house] :'''SpongeBob''': Hand it over, Patrick! ''I'' get to play with the Patty Pal today! :'''Patrick''': You can't take it, It's not fair! :'''SpongeBob''': How about I take it for ''half'' a day? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': How about we trade off every ''hour''? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': Every ''half'' hour? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': Every ''fifteen minutes''? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': ''Five'' minutes? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': ''One'' minute? :'''Patrick''': N-n-no! :'''SpongeBob''': Okay then, for our final offer we trade off every ''second!'' :''[They pass Patty Pal back and fourth every second]'' :'''Patrick''': One. :'''SpongeBob''': One. :'''Patrick''': One. :''[Pause, Patrick runs off while SpongeBob tears himself angrily]'' ===''Kracked Krabs (15.2)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs:''': Lad, you're surrounded by stingy wisdom, so try to pick up some pointers. But whatever you do, don't lend anyone money! :'''SpongeBob:''': ''[lending money to another crab]'' 25, 26... ==Episode 16== ===''The Curse of Bikini Bottom (16.1)''=== ===''Squidward in Clarinetland (16.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': Order up, SpongeBob! :''[walk towards SpongeBob]'' :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob! What do you think you're doing? You're supposed to be fry cooking. I told you not to touch my stuff! :'''SpongeBob''': I didn't! I wore protective gloves! And besides, don't you like how classy it look now? :'''Squidward''': Velvet.. :'''SpongeBob''': Now I'd like to stand by and idly chat with you, Squidward, But I must attend to my Krusty Krab duties! In the future, please keep your interruptions to a minimum sir, please! <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Hey, come back! I need my clarinet! Come Back! Where are you? Sponge- :''[bumps into an eagle head]'' :'''Eagle''': I am the keeper of the horned forest, state your business here. :'''Squidward''': uuhh.. I'm.. trying to find my clarinet. :'''Eagle''': ''Your'' clarinet? :'''Squidward:''': Yes, my clarinet! Which I am the proud owner. :''[Eagle laughs]'' :'''Eagle''': A clarinet is not owned. Why don't you tell me why you're really here? :'''Squidward''': You calling me a ''LIAR?!'' :''[Eagle grabs Squidward with his tongue]'' :'''Eagle''': I don't appreciate your tone. :'''Squidward''': I'm sorry I-I-I didn't mean to offend you. :'''Eagle''': This is a sacred place where clarinets live without persecution. You need to learn respect. :'''Squidward''': ''[Eagle squeezed squidward tightly]'' I've learned.. ''[loosely]'' I've learned respect... :'''Eagle''': I don't believe you. :''[Swallows Squidward and he ends up in the stomach, Squidward sees SpongeBob]'' ==''[[w:SpongeBob's Last Stand|SpongeBob's Last Stand (Episode 17)]]''== :'''SpongeBob''': Okay everyone, say goodbye to the worst thing that's happened to this town since 97 cent stores. :'''Everyone''': YEAH! ''[SpongeBob tries to break the highway with the tractor, but it just stopped]'' :'''Plankton''': Good effort, Spongedope, but you can't tear up my highway, it's indestructible! :'''Larry Lobster''': Not if we have anything to do with it! :'''SpongeBob''': Larry Lobster! :'''Larry Lobster''': That's right, pal, but that's not all. ''[Sandy walks out from the crowd, waving]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Sandy Squirrel! ''[Mrs. Puff walks out of the crowd]'' Mrs. Puff! ''[Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy both walk out from the crowd]'' Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy! ''[Patrick walks walk out from the crowd]'' Patrick! :'''Patrick''': Su-Su-Su-Su! :'''SpongeBob''': And Squidward! ''[Squidward doesn't walk out from the crowd]'' :'''Fish 3''': Nope, that's everybody! :'''Larry Lobster''': Push! ''[He, Patrick, Mrs. Puff, Mermaid Man, Barnacle Boy and Sandy push]'' Harder!!!!! ''[They push harder]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Harder still! :'''Fish 3''': You heard the little square guy, yeah! ''[Everybody lines up behind the tractor and pushes it]'' :'''Plankton''': Wait! I didn't count on all of you working together! ''[Everybody pushes hard enough that the highway breaks!]'' My highway! STOP! YOU CAN'T! ''[Plankton gets crushed by the tractor!]'' :'''Everyone''': YEAH! ''[The arch over the Krusty Krab breaks down in a pile of dust and the smog clears]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': Praise Neptune. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[Singing]'' ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, it's the jellyfishing song!'' :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''SpongeBob''': ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, everyone sing along!'' :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''Everyone''': ''[Singing]'' Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, it's the jellyfishing song! :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''Everyone''': ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly everyone siiiiinnnnggggg!'' ''[The camera zooms out and we cut to the Jellyfish Fields ranger]'' :'''Ranger''': ''[bored voice]'' Everyone sing along. ''[switches the "closed" sign to "open," and then walks away]'' ==Episode XVIII== ===''Back to the Past (XVIII.I)''=== :'''Mermaid Men''': ::'''#2:''' ''[running out of the time machine along with the second Barnacle Boy, Spongebob and Patrick]'' Keep your tongue out of my tarter sauce! ::'''#1:''' Imposters! ::'''#2:''' Who are you calling imposter, imposter? I must prevent our tarter sauce from being eaten by that... ''[pans to Patrick]'' ...That fool! ::'''#1:''' If I want to get near my tarter sauce, I gotta go through me first! ::'''#2:''' I’m gonna make you eat those words! ::'''#1:''' Bring It! ''[gets "slapped"]'' Take this! ''["punches" himself's hair]'' I’ll never let you win! ::'''#2:''' Oh, yes I will! ::'''Young:''' What do you make of this, Barnacle Boy? :'''Young Barnacle Boy''': Tangled Timeline, Mermaid Man. I... :'''Man Ray''': ''[laughs wickedly]'' You old coots provided me the perfect distraction. Now prepare to be disappeared! :'''Young Mermaid Man''': Sounds good on paper, you purveyor of pure evil, but, fortunately, we all know what happens to paper underwater. Barnacle Boy, the tartar sauce. ''[pours tartar sauce on the Second Man Ray]'' :'''Patrick 2''': Wow! I've never eaten that much tartar sauce. :'''Patrick 1''': Yes, you have. :'''Patrick 2''': Well, it sure ain't sittin' right. :'''Man Ray''': ''[laughs wickedly]'' Foolish mools. Once again, your buffoonery has given me victory! ''[blows up the tartar sauce can and laughs wickedly]'' Oh, I'm going to savor this. It's not every day I get to defeat Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy three times over! ''[is about to shoot two SpongeBobs, Patrick, two Old Mermaid Mans and Barnacle Boys but another time machine comes]'' :'''SpongeBob 2''': ''[He along with the second Patrick comes out of the machine]'' Patrick, don’t eat the tartar sauce! :'''Man Ray''': You’re too late! Your fat friend beat you to it. Now, prepare to taste laser! ''[another time machine comes, which it opens, and the third SpongeBob and Patrick are falling, screaming]'' So how... :'''SpongeBob 4''': ''[The time machine door with the fourth SpongeBob and Patrick]'' I told you we had to go back farther! :'''Man Ray''': Uh... ''[Tries to think but another time machine comes]'' :'''Mermaid Man 3''': Up, up, and away! ''[The third Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy jump out and fall to the ground]'' :'''SpongeBob 5''': ''[another time machine opens with the fifth Patrick also]'' Now, Patrick! ''[He along with the fifth Patrick pour tartar sauce on the third Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy and drop the can on them]'' :'''Man Ray''': I can't get my head around this. Where are they all coming from? ''[Man Ray 2's machine comes]'' Another machine? ''[Man Ray 2 comes out]'' :'''Man Ray 2''': ''[shoots his own whole time machine and laughs wickedly]'' I took care of your blasted time machine! ''[laughs again and flies away]'' :'''Man Ray''': Uh! I got to sit down and think this through. :'''Young Mermaid Man''': ''[chains Man Ray]'' Gotta! You've got plenty of time for thinking in the stony lonesome. :'''Man Ray''': I'm sorry, did you say something? I'm still trying to comprehend what just happened here. :'''Young Mermaid Man''': It's pretty simple, really. You were defeated by a convoy of continuum-cruising crime stoppers. Thank you, SpongeBob and Patrick. :'''Four SpongeBobs and Two Patricks''': You're welcome! :'''SpongeBob 6 and Patrick 6''': ''[another time machine which holds seven SpongeBobs and six Patricks comes]'' Oh, hi there! Hello! Hello! Hello! :'''One Other Patrick''': Hey! Oh, I can't believe it! :'''One Other SpongeBob''': We just wanted to come back and revisit the day that evil was defeated forever. :'''SpongeBob 7''': ''[another time machine appears]'' Hey, how you doing? :'''Patrick 7''': We're here. :'''Eighth and Ninth SpongeBobs and Patricks''': ''[two time machines appear]'' Oh, hi there! How you doing? :'''Tenth SpongeBob and Patrick''': Hello! Hello! :'''Even More SpongeBobs and Patricks''': ''[more appear]'' Oh hi there! ''[More and more appear while the episode pans into outer space]'' Hello! Hello! ===''The Bad Guy Club for Villains (XVIII.II)''=== :'''Patrick''': Hey, what happened? Why are those squiggles on the screen? :'''SpongeBob''': Those are called "End Credits", Patrick. :'''Patrick''': End credits? But I don't want it to end! :'''SpongeBob''': That's why Neptune gave us the rewind button! ''[pushes a button]'' :'''Patrick''': Thank you, Neptune! ''[The screen goes back to the beginning and zooms in before the episode ends]'' ==Episode 19== ===''A Day Without Tears (19.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': He was a good little Krabby Patty. [sniffs] I didn't know him well, but in the few short seconds between grill and floor, I--[opens the trash lid and begins crying]--I came to love him! [the patty slowly slides off his spatula and into the trash bin] It just isn't fair! [he cries even louder, soaking and enraging Squidward from the counter window] :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob, will you stop crying?! :'''SpongeBob''': But the Krabby Patty fell on the floor and then he... :'''Squidward''': Krabby Patty nothing! :'''SpongeBob''': I-- :'''Squidward''': ''[shouting]'' ''KRABBY PATTY '''NOTHING!!!!''''' ''[breathes heavily. SpongeBob whimpers]'' What now? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[stifled]'' You yelled at me... ''[wailing]'' '''YOU YELLED AT ME!!!!!!!''''' ''[continues sobbing]'' :'''Squidward''': All right, look. So far today, and it's not even 2:00 yet, you have cried 43 times. :'''SpongeBob''': And you wrote that number on a chalkboard. :'''Squidward''': Yes! :'''SpongeBob''': Why? :'''Squidward''': [pauses for a second] I have no idea. :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, Squidward, there's no way I cry that much. There's not that many tears in my brain. :'''Squidward''': Au contraire. [turns on a TV] :'''SpongeBob''': What's this? :'''Squidward''': It's a quick montage of flashbacks I've edited together that shows the hundreds of tears you have cried over the years. :''[the video begins to play, showing SpongeBob crying in the Krusty Krab, in a grocery store, at Mrs. Puff's Boating School, in Jellyfish Fields, in the bathroom, and more like near a bus stop for no reason]'' :'''SpongeBob''': [in the video] Boo! Hoo! Boohoo! Sob. Whimper. :'''Narrator''': Thousands of tears later... :''[SpongeBob continues to watch himself crying in the video]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Wow, guess I do cry a lot. I promise I won't cry anymore. :'''Squidward''': Oh, nonsense! I bet you can't go the rest of the day without crying. :'''SpongeBob''': [realizes something] Excuse me a minute. [he walks up to a rotary telephone and dials it, Patrick appears lazily sitting on his couch when his own phone rings] :'''Patrick''': [answers it] Star... residence. Patrick speaking. :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Patrick. :'''Patrick''': Hey, buddy! Is it 7:30 already? :'''SpongeBob''': No, I'm still at work. :'''Patrick''': How can I help you? :'''SpongeBob''': Do you think that I could go the rest of the day without crying? :'''Patrick''': [mouth full with popcorn] Well, of course you can. :'''SpongeBob''': Okay, great, thanks, Patrick. :'''Patrick''': Umm... sure. And did you remember to put that package outside where I told you? :'''SpongeBob''': Yeah, but I left it in a different spot. Just ask Gary, he knows where it is. :'''Patrick''': Oh, yeah. [laughs with his mouth full] Hey, good one, buddy. You almost had me there. :'''SpongeBob''': [chuckles] Okay. :'''Patrick''': Yeah, talk to you later. :'''SpongeBob''': All right, see ya. [hangs up, then walks back up to Squidward] Okay, it's a bet. :'''Squidward''': [shakes SpongeBob's hand] Fine. If you cry one tear before midnight, you have to... [thinks] Wash my bike, clean out my rain gutters, and do all my yard work for a year. :'''SpongeBob''': Sounds fair to me. And if I make it to midnight without crying, you'll come to a slumber party at my place. Just you and me. [Squidward retches and swallows] Ooh, what's the matter? :'''Squidward''': Um, nothing, I just threw up a little in my mouth. [begins talking in his thoughts] No need to worry, Squiddy. You've outdone yourself. He'll be crying in ten minutes. ===''Summer Job (19.2)''=== ==Episode 20== ===''One Coarse Meal (20.1)''=== :'''Karen''': My triumphant husband returns. How'd you fail this time? :'''Plankton''': Krabs had a whale! :'''Karen''': You mean his big, bad, scary teenage daughter? :'''Plankton''': I hear that mocking tone in your voice, Karen, and I don't appreciate it! Don't you remember what happened to my ancestors at the hands of those beasts?! :''[Plankton's family is shown being eaten by a whale]'' :'''Karen''': Okay, when you need a break from your delusional paranoia, the trash needs some attention. It's ripened. <hr width=50%> :'''Plankton''': ''[crying]'' What's the point of going on? I'll just be tortured for the rest of my life by that whale! ''[lies down]'' That's it. I'm done. The 4:15 bus should be along any time now. :'''SpongeBob''': Hi, Plankton. What are you doing laying in the middle of the road? :'''Plankton''': Go away, Cheese head! Can't you see I'm trying to get run over?! In fact, better yet, just step on me as hard as you can. Would you do that for me? :'''SpongeBob''': I'm sorry, Plankton, but that flies in the face of my good nature. :'''Plankton''': Forget it, kid. I'll just wait for the next bus. Go on back to the Krusty Krab and enjoy yourself. ===''Gary In Love (20.2)''=== ==Episode 21== ===''The Play's the Thing (21.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Squidward, no! Those patties aren't fit for public consumption! :'''Squidward''': Here, enjoy! <hr width=60%> :'''SpongeBob''': ''[tries not to cry]'' Bless you all. :'''Patrick''': I like throwing food. ''[chucks a burnt Krabby Patty at SpongeBob]'' :'''SpongeBob''': OW!! :'''All''': ''FOOD FIGHT!!!!'' <hr width=60%> :'''Squidward''': AAAAAHH!!! :'''Patrick''': Haw haw! Ah haw haw! ''[hurls an anchor]'' ===''Rodeo Daze (21.2)''=== ==External links== {{Wikipedia|SpongeBob SquarePants (season 7)}} [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants seasons]] [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]] 3cfpjlftz97ihj4h93et0bzgndy1xf7 3157987 3157971 2022-08-25T23:01:30Z 67.241.180.73 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 1|1]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 2|2]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 3|3]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 4|4]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 5|5]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 6|6]] '''7''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 8|8]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 9|9]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 10|10]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 11|11]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 12|12]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 13|13]] ([[SpongeBob SquarePants|Main]]) | '''Movies''': [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water|Sponge Out of Water]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run|Sponge on the Run]] | '''Spin-offs:''' [[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years|Kamp Koral]] / [[The Patrick Star Show]] ---- <br> '''''[[w:SpongeBob_SquarePants|SpongeBob SquarePants]]''''' (1999-) is an animated TV series, airing on Nickelodeon about the adventures and endeavors of the title character and his various friends in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom. It spawned [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie|a movie]], followed by several short films, and video games. ==Cast== *Tom Kenny as SpongeBob, Snooty Narrator, TV Voice, Narrator, Chopped Liver, Cop #1, Squidward's House, Jellyfish, Carney Fish #1, Fish #2, Fish #40, Fish #47, Fish #83, Gary, Worker Fish, Customer #5, Cod Darringer, Hans, Cop, Trash Fish, Fish #107, Cowboy, Mail Fish, Bellboy, Crab #1, Beuford *Bill Fagerbakke as Patrick, TV Producer, Fish #1, Customer #2, Health Inspector, Assistant *Rodger Bumpass as Squidward, Leftover, Fish #107, Customer #3, Announcer, Chintzy McGee, KK Customer *Clancy Brown as Mr. Krabs, Carney Fish #2, Fish #83, Customer #1, Dad, Giant Bell Hop, Customer *Mr. Lawrence as Plankton, Larry the Lobster, Customer #1 *Carolyn Lawrence as Sandy *Dee Bradley Baker as Zeus, Squilliam, Cop, Worker, Newscaster, Billy, Boss, Director, Cloaked One, Boy Fish, Crab #2, Host *Lori Alan as Pearl, Grandma *Jill Talley as Twin #1, Twin #2, Karen, Fish #48, Fish #49, Customer #4, Fish #157, Mom, Gramma *Sirena Irwin as Agent Fish, Actress, Reporter, Kid Fish, Fortune Teller *Mary Jo Catlett as Mrs. Puff *Chiba as Kitten ==Episode 1== ==="Pet or Pests" (1.1)=== :''[Mrs. Wormley and Gary are growling each other again.]'' :'''Patrick''': It looks like they're still not getting used to each other. :'''SpongeBob''': Well, these things take time. :''[Gary and Mrs. Wormsley start fighting again. SpongeBob and Patrick see the fight and they run and hide in SpongeBob's bed]'' :'''SpongeBob and Patrick''': Duck and Cover! :''[the fighting still continues outside of conch street]'' :'''Patrick''': This town is getting too rough for me. :'''SpongeBob''': He's chased her away! Now, who will care for her abandoned newborn infants? :'''Patrick''': Maybe you could take care of them. :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, no way Patrick. I've never seen Gary that upset. ==="Komputer Overload" (1.2)=== ==Episode 2== ==="Gullible Pants" (2.1)=== ==="Overbooked" (2.2)=== ==Episode 3== ==="No Hat for Pat" (3.1)=== :'''Frankie Billy''': That guy still flopping? :'''Frank''': Yeah! Amazing, isn't it? :'''Frankie Billy''': Doesn't that get old? :'''Harold''': He's got a point. :'''Frank''': Yeah. You've seen enough? :'''Harold''': Yeah, let's get out of here. [He, Frank, and another customer throw their food on the floor and leave] :'''Frankie Billy''': Me, too. I'm out. [He throws his food on the floor and leaves like everybody else] :'''Mr. Krabs''': What? Wait! Don't go! Why ya leaving? :'''Harold''': This guy's act is stale! We crave excitement! [all the other customers argue] :'''Mr. Krabs''': Okay, Okay! You want excitement? What if I added a box? [puts Patrick on a box as he falls from it] Huh? Huh? :'''Frankie Billy''': Sort of the same, really. :'''Frank''': Yeah. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Oh, okay, so what if he flopped from two boxes...? [adds another box, but the customers are still bored] ...into a cream pie? [puts a cream pie in place] :'''Patrick''': I like pie. :'''Frankie Billy''': Say now. :'''Frank''': That, I'd pay to see! ==="Toy Store of Doom" (3.2)=== ==Episode 4== ==="Sand Castles in the Sand" (4.1)=== :'''SpongeBob''': [Floating gently down] All is fair in love and war my friend slash enemy, or should I say, my friend-enemy!? [presses a sand button where a jet fighter resembling an [[w: General Dynamics F-16 Fighting Falcon|F-16]] hovers in midair until SpongeBob lands in the cockpit. It then starts chasing Patrick's robot head] Let's have some real fun! [Presses a button that launches two missiles that fly towards Patrick. Patrick screams as he turns his robot head away from the missiles] ==="Shell Shocked" (4.2)=== ==Episode 5== ==="Chum Bucket Supreme" (5.1)=== :'''Mini Brain Patrick 1''': Forget about what that word means! There's a fire breaking out in the language lobes! :'''Mini Brain Patrick 2''': We need to get outta here! ''[Mini Brain Patrick 3 pushes on a door with signs saying "PULL TO OPEN"]'' :'''Mini Brain Patrick 3''': The door's jammed! :'''Mini Brain Patrick 2''': Push harder! ''[all Mini Brain Patricks start moaning and coughing]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Karen''': Don't look now, but I think your catchy slogan days are numbered. :'''Nat''': ''[barfs on floor]'' Something's not right. :'''Pilar''': Yeah, I know, I keep sayin' "Chum is Fum" but it's...ehh...it's just not working. :'''Nat''': I'm outta here. ''[throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]'' :'''Pilar''': ''[also throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]'' :'''Plankton''': ''[To Patrick who is sleeping]'' Patrick! :'''Patrick''': ''[Wakes up]'' Huh? :'''Plankton''': We're having a board meeting here! We need ideas! :'''Patrick''': ''[Examining a line graph whose line ends in a toilet]'' Hmmmm...mmmhmmm...uh-huh. I think I see the problem. Your potty has a shocky thing in it! :'''Plankton''': ''[Annoyed]'' '''NO!''' That's not ''it'' you '''FOOL'''! We need a new slogan! You need to come up with a new genius catchphrase like ''Chum is Fum!'' But ''different''. :'''Patrick''': Oh gotcha. Hmmmm. ''[Cut to Chum Bucket, whose slogan has been switched to "Fum is Chum!"]'' :'''Nat''': I'm so happy that they changed that old tired slogan "Chum is Fum"! :'''Pilar''': Yeah that new slogan, "Fum is Chum" is way cooler! :'''Nat''': Way cooler! :'''Patrick''': Excuse me, sir. [hands resignation slip] My resignation. [shows picture of himself in a [[w:fighter aircraft|fighter plane]] shooting bullets] ==="Single Cell Anniversary" (5.2)=== :'''Plankton''': ''[singing]'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''Put down those punch cards,'' ::''Put down those punch cards,'' ::''And listen to my ode.'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''What compares to,'' ::''What compares to...'' ::''Ehhhh, um, eeh... AH-HA!'' ::''Your beautiful diodes?'' ::''(Instrumental break)'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''I was blinded, yes, I was blinded,'' ::''I was blinded by the light of your cathode ray.'' ::''Oh, I built you, yes, I built you,'' ::''I built you in the - ehhh... erm...'' ::''In the shape of a cube!'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''You'll never know how much I love your vacuum tubes!'' ==[[w:Truth or Square|"Truth or Square" (Episodes 6–7)]]== :'''SpongeBob''': Can you believe it's been eleventy seven years already? :''[Gary meows angrily]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[gasps]'' Watch the potty mouth, Gar! ==Episode 8== ==="Pineapple Fever" (8.1)=== :'''Squidward''': WHOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOO!!!! SO LONG, SUCKERS!!!! ''(falling)'' Oof! Oh, curse you, Preflumster! OOF! OH, <big>'''''CURSE YOU PREFLUMSTER!!!!'''''</big> ==="Chum Caverns" (8.2)=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': Satisfied with yourself, Plankton! Now you've trapped us all underground! :'''Fish #5''': But at least we're trapped in a good restaurant! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Capturing customers! I should've though of it sooner, but without Squidward, I need someone to work the register. ''[Cut to Plankton and a cave creature working the register. The creature raises its whip]'' :'''Cave Dweller #2''': '''AAUUGGHHH!!!''' ==[[w:The Clash of Triton|"The Clash of Triton" (Episode 9)]]== :'''Sadie''': Did you hear that? Neptune said it was all because of ''that'' guy! ''[citizens with torches, pitchforks, splinters, and other weapons form a mob with the damaged city in the background]'' :'''Policeman''': He ''did'', did he? :'''Patrick''': Uh... SpongeBob? :'''SpongeBob''': Yes, Patrick? :'''Patrick''': Do you think now's a good time to get those Triple Gooberry Sundays you were talking about? :'''SpongeBob''': I think now would be an excellent time, yes. (But let's run first and see if we can lose the mob.) ''[the episode ends with he and Patrick screaming whilst getting chased by the angry mob]'' ==Episode 10== ===''Tentacle-Vision (10.1)''=== :'''Patrick''': ''[laughing]'' My shorts are wet! <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Patrick, just how dumb ''are'' you? :'''Patrick''': It varies. ===''I love Dancing (10.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': ''[upon seeing SpongeBob dancing]'' That is the stupidest dance I've ever seen. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[to Squidward]'' Who put you on the planet? ---- :'''Twin Sisters''': [singing] We're tiny, we're cuddly, we're bubbly, wubbly, huggly! :'''Talent Agent''': That was very cute, girls! ''[then annoyed]'' In fact, it's ''too'' cute. You're out. :'''Twin Sisters''': I told you it was a stupid idea... and I hate you, too! ==Episode 11== ===''Growth Spout (11.1)''=== :'''Cracker''': What am I, chopped liver? :'''Offscreen voice''': No, that's what ''I'' am. ''[zoom out showing a jar of chopped liver]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Mrs. Puff''': ''[in her sleep]'' Must...protect garden. <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward's house''': Oh, well. I needed to lose a little weight anyway. ===''Stuck in the Wringer (11.2)''=== ==Episode 12== ===''Someone's in the Kitchen with Sandy (12.1)''=== ===''The Inside Job (12.2)''=== :''[Plankton unplugs SpongeBob's ear drum]'' :'''Plankton''': Let me see what I can tune in here. Hmm. :'''Mr. Krabs''': The secret of the Krabby Patty formula is-- :'''Plankton''': Jackpot! :'''Spongebob''': Huh? :'''Mr, Krabs''': I said-- :'''SpongeBob''': Could you speak a little louder, please? :'''Mr. Krabs''': The secret to the Krabby Patty formula-- :'''SpongeBob''': What? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Hold on. :'''Plankton''': Here it comes! :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[shouting into a megaphone] <big>'''THE SECRET TO THE KRABBY PATTY FORMULA IS...!'''</big> [The shouting causes Plankton's ears to pop]'' :'''Plankton''': OW!!! I hate my life! <hr width=50%> :'''Plankton''': Enough with these petty carnal senses. If I'm going to get the Krabby Patty recipe...''[he arrives at...]'' The brain! :''[Snickering evily, he sticks one end of the mind connector to the brain and absorbs some of it]'' :'''Plankton''': Hi, friend! [he gasps as he saw "Superficial Greetings" on the brain] "Superficial Greetings"? What kind of idiot...? ''[sees the parts of the brain]'' --"Personal Opinions"? "Knock-knock Jokes"?! No, no, no, no! This is all useless! ==Episode 13== ===''Greasy Buffoons (13.1)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs/Plankton''': Oh, no! Did somebody call the Health inspector? :'''Health inspector''': Did somebody call a... Health inspector? ===''Model Sponge (13.2)''=== ==Episode 14== ===''Keep Bikini Bottom Beautiful (14.1)''=== ===''A Pal for Gary (14.2)''=== :''[Spongebob sees little puffy fish being sold by a peddler, and becomes enticed by them and decides to get one of them for Gary] :'''SpongeBob''': I'll take that one right there! :'''Store Owner''': You wish to have one of my rare and extremely dangerous... huh? :'''SpongeBob''': Oh yeah this is the one. ''[picks one of them]'' :'''Store Owner''': Beware, boy, this is no ordinary pet! :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, Gary's gonna be so happy! :'''Store Owner''': You ''must'' understand. These pets can be ''very'' unstable. especially around other pets! :''[She proves this by showing a picture of a cat next to another puffy fish, who snarls at it.]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[obliviously]'' Yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks, bye. ''[he runs off]'' :'''Store Owner''': Why bother? They never listen. <hr width=50%> :'''Spongebob''': Ahh. I can rest so peacefully, now that Gary's got a good pal they could play with. :''[Just as he goes to sleep, Gary bursts through the door, scared and meowing in alarm, causing him to wake up with a start.]'' :'''Spongebob''': Gary! Shame on you! ''[takes Gary back in the living room]'' Puffy Fluffy is perfectly harmless. ''[he takes the blanket off, revealing what he thinks is normal Puffy Fluffy]'' See there he is fast asleep. Now will you let me sleep, Gary, please? [sets Gary back on a small green bed and covers him with a small blanket] Good night. ''[goes back to bed]'' <hr width=50%> :''[After Spongebob wakes up and notices the damage to the house, thanks to Puffy Fluffy]'' :'''Spongebob''': Huh? What's this? Must have been a sea quake last night. Oh well, what are you gonna do? ''[opens the galley door which falls over]'' That's unusual. WHOA!! [sees the library which is a total wreck] My library! ''[gasps]'' And my prized memoirs of T.S. Halibut! ''[gasps]'' My clothes! [picks up his torn pants] This was no random sea quake, Who could have done this? Why, there was no one here except... ''[mistakenly realizes something]'' ...Gary. I bet he's jealous about the new friend! ==Episode 15== ===''Yours, Mine and Mine (15.1)''=== :'''Patrick''': Uh, I'm not home right now! Please leave a message! Beeeep... :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick, it's me! SpongeBob! It's my turn to play with the toy! :'''Patrick''': I can't go out! I just washed my hair! :'''SpongeBob''': You don't have any h-come out, Patrick! It's MY turn!! :'''Patrick''': Got any ID? :'''SpongeBob''': I have my milkshake dispenser operator license. :'''Patrick''': ''[looks at it]'' Looks fake to me pal! Bye-Bye now! :'''SpongeBob''': Well, I guess I had best be going! ''[Pretends to walk away]'' I'm walking away...Here I go... ''[quietly]'' I'm gone now! ''[hides on Patrick's antenna]'' :'''Patrick''': You sure? :'''SpongeBob''': I'm sure! ''[Patrick comes out, he jumps at him]'' Hi, Patrick! Time to ''SHARE!'' :'''Patrick''': DECEIVER! You didn't leave at all!! :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, and you were washing your hair!?! :'''Patrick''': I was too, See? ''[shows his armpit hair]'' <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': [Surprised] Gary was so right about you! You're a non-sharer! :'''Patrick''': Gary said that? You're off my friend list, Gary!! :'''Gary''': Meow. [turns and slithers back into SpongeBob's house] :'''SpongeBob''': Hand it over, Patrick! ''I'' get to play with the Patty Pal today! :'''Patrick''': You can't take it, It's not fair! :'''SpongeBob''': How about I take it for ''half'' a day? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': How about we trade off every ''hour''? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': Every ''half'' hour? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': Every ''fifteen minutes''? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': ''Five'' minutes? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': ''One'' minute? :'''Patrick''': N-n-no! :'''SpongeBob''': Okay then, for our final offer we trade off every ''second!'' :''[They pass Patty Pal back and fourth every second]'' :'''Patrick''': One. :'''SpongeBob''': One. :'''Patrick''': One. :''[Pause, Patrick runs off while SpongeBob tears himself angrily]'' ===''Kracked Krabs (15.2)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs:''': Lad, you're surrounded by stingy wisdom, so try to pick up some pointers. But whatever you do, don't lend anyone money! :'''SpongeBob:''': ''[lending money to another crab]'' 25, 26... ==Episode 16== ===''The Curse of Bikini Bottom (16.1)''=== ===''Squidward in Clarinetland (16.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': Order up, SpongeBob! :''[walk towards SpongeBob]'' :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob! What do you think you're doing? You're supposed to be fry cooking. I told you not to touch my stuff! :'''SpongeBob''': I didn't! I wore protective gloves! And besides, don't you like how classy it look now? :'''Squidward''': Velvet.. :'''SpongeBob''': Now I'd like to stand by and idly chat with you, Squidward, But I must attend to my Krusty Krab duties! In the future, please keep your interruptions to a minimum sir, please! <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Hey, come back! I need my clarinet! Come Back! Where are you? Sponge- :''[bumps into an eagle head]'' :'''Eagle''': I am the keeper of the horned forest, state your business here. :'''Squidward''': uuhh.. I'm.. trying to find my clarinet. :'''Eagle''': ''Your'' clarinet? :'''Squidward:''': Yes, my clarinet! Which I am the proud owner. :''[Eagle laughs]'' :'''Eagle''': A clarinet is not owned. Why don't you tell me why you're really here? :'''Squidward''': You calling me a ''LIAR?!'' :''[Eagle grabs Squidward with his tongue]'' :'''Eagle''': I don't appreciate your tone. :'''Squidward''': I'm sorry I-I-I didn't mean to offend you. :'''Eagle''': This is a sacred place where clarinets live without persecution. You need to learn respect. :'''Squidward''': ''[Eagle squeezed squidward tightly]'' I've learned.. ''[loosely]'' I've learned respect... :'''Eagle''': I don't believe you. :''[Swallows Squidward and he ends up in the stomach, Squidward sees SpongeBob]'' ==''[[w:SpongeBob's Last Stand|SpongeBob's Last Stand (Episode 17)]]''== :'''SpongeBob''': Okay everyone, say goodbye to the worst thing that's happened to this town since 97 cent stores. :'''Everyone''': YEAH! ''[SpongeBob tries to break the highway with the tractor, but it just stopped]'' :'''Plankton''': Good effort, Spongedope, but you can't tear up my highway, it's indestructible! :'''Larry Lobster''': Not if we have anything to do with it! :'''SpongeBob''': Larry Lobster! :'''Larry Lobster''': That's right, pal, but that's not all. ''[Sandy walks out from the crowd, waving]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Sandy Squirrel! ''[Mrs. Puff walks out of the crowd]'' Mrs. Puff! ''[Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy both walk out from the crowd]'' Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy! ''[Patrick walks walk out from the crowd]'' Patrick! :'''Patrick''': Su-Su-Su-Su! :'''SpongeBob''': And Squidward! ''[Squidward doesn't walk out from the crowd]'' :'''Fish 3''': Nope, that's everybody! :'''Larry Lobster''': Push! ''[He, Patrick, Mrs. Puff, Mermaid Man, Barnacle Boy and Sandy push]'' Harder!!!!! ''[They push harder]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Harder still! :'''Fish 3''': You heard the little square guy, yeah! ''[Everybody lines up behind the tractor and pushes it]'' :'''Plankton''': Wait! I didn't count on all of you working together! ''[Everybody pushes hard enough that the highway breaks!]'' My highway! STOP! YOU CAN'T! ''[Plankton gets crushed by the tractor!]'' :'''Everyone''': YEAH! ''[The arch over the Krusty Krab breaks down in a pile of dust and the smog clears]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': Praise Neptune. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[Singing]'' ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, it's the jellyfishing song!'' :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''SpongeBob''': ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, everyone sing along!'' :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''Everyone''': ''[Singing]'' Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, it's the jellyfishing song! :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''Everyone''': ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly everyone siiiiinnnnggggg!'' ''[The camera zooms out and we cut to the Jellyfish Fields ranger]'' :'''Ranger''': ''[bored voice]'' Everyone sing along. ''[switches the "closed" sign to "open," and then walks away]'' ==Episode XVIII== ===''Back to the Past (XVIII.I)''=== :'''Mermaid Men''': ::'''#2:''' ''[running out of the time machine along with the second Barnacle Boy, Spongebob and Patrick]'' Keep your tongue out of my tarter sauce! ::'''#1:''' Imposters! ::'''#2:''' Who are you calling imposter, imposter? I must prevent our tarter sauce from being eaten by that... ''[pans to Patrick]'' ...That fool! ::'''#1:''' If I want to get near my tarter sauce, I gotta go through me first! ::'''#2:''' I’m gonna make you eat those words! ::'''#1:''' Bring It! ''[gets "slapped"]'' Take this! ''["punches" himself's hair]'' I’ll never let you win! ::'''#2:''' Oh, yes I will! ::'''Young:''' What do you make of this, Barnacle Boy? :'''Young Barnacle Boy''': Tangled Timeline, Mermaid Man. I... :'''Man Ray''': ''[laughs wickedly]'' You old coots provided me the perfect distraction. Now prepare to be disappeared! :'''Young Mermaid Man''': Sounds good on paper, you purveyor of pure evil, but, fortunately, we all know what happens to paper underwater. Barnacle Boy, the tartar sauce. ''[pours tartar sauce on the Second Man Ray]'' :'''Patrick 2''': Wow! I've never eaten that much tartar sauce. :'''Patrick 1''': Yes, you have. :'''Patrick 2''': Well, it sure ain't sittin' right. :'''Man Ray''': ''[laughs wickedly]'' Foolish mools. Once again, your buffoonery has given me victory! ''[blows up the tartar sauce can and laughs wickedly]'' Oh, I'm going to savor this. It's not every day I get to defeat Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy three times over! ''[is about to shoot two SpongeBobs, Patrick, two Old Mermaid Mans and Barnacle Boys but another time machine comes]'' :'''SpongeBob 2''': ''[He along with the second Patrick comes out of the machine]'' Patrick, don’t eat the tartar sauce! :'''Man Ray''': You’re too late! Your fat friend beat you to it. Now, prepare to taste laser! ''[another time machine comes, which it opens, and the third SpongeBob and Patrick are falling, screaming]'' So how... :'''SpongeBob 4''': ''[The time machine door with the fourth SpongeBob and Patrick]'' I told you we had to go back farther! :'''Man Ray''': Uh... ''[Tries to think but another time machine comes]'' :'''Mermaid Man 3''': Up, up, and away! ''[The third Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy jump out and fall to the ground]'' :'''SpongeBob 5''': ''[another time machine opens with the fifth Patrick also]'' Now, Patrick! ''[He along with the fifth Patrick pour tartar sauce on the third Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy and drop the can on them]'' :'''Man Ray''': I can't get my head around this. Where are they all coming from? ''[Man Ray 2's machine comes]'' Another machine? ''[Man Ray 2 comes out]'' :'''Man Ray 2''': ''[shoots his own whole time machine and laughs wickedly]'' I took care of your blasted time machine! ''[laughs again and flies away]'' :'''Man Ray''': Uh! I got to sit down and think this through. :'''Young Mermaid Man''': ''[chains Man Ray]'' Gotta! You've got plenty of time for thinking in the stony lonesome. :'''Man Ray''': I'm sorry, did you say something? I'm still trying to comprehend what just happened here. :'''Young Mermaid Man''': It's pretty simple, really. You were defeated by a convoy of continuum-cruising crime stoppers. Thank you, SpongeBob and Patrick. :'''Four SpongeBobs and Two Patricks''': You're welcome! :'''SpongeBob 6 and Patrick 6''': ''[another time machine which holds seven SpongeBobs and six Patricks comes]'' Oh, hi there! Hello! Hello! Hello! :'''One Other Patrick''': Hey! Oh, I can't believe it! :'''One Other SpongeBob''': We just wanted to come back and revisit the day that evil was defeated forever. :'''SpongeBob 7''': ''[another time machine appears]'' Hey, how you doing? :'''Patrick 7''': We're here. :'''Eighth and Ninth SpongeBobs and Patricks''': ''[two time machines appear]'' Oh, hi there! How you doing? :'''Tenth SpongeBob and Patrick''': Hello! Hello! :'''Even More SpongeBobs and Patricks''': ''[more appear]'' Oh hi there! ''[More and more appear while the episode pans into outer space]'' Hello! Hello! ===''The Bad Guy Club for Villains (XVIII.II)''=== :'''Patrick''': Hey, what happened? Why are those squiggles on the screen? :'''SpongeBob''': Those are called "End Credits", Patrick. :'''Patrick''': End credits? But I don't want it to end! :'''SpongeBob''': That's why Neptune gave us the rewind button! ''[pushes a button]'' :'''Patrick''': Thank you, Neptune! ''[The screen goes back to the beginning and zooms in before the episode ends]'' ==Episode 19== ===''A Day Without Tears (19.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': He was a good little Krabby Patty. [sniffs] I didn't know him well, but in the few short seconds between grill and floor, I--[opens the trash lid and begins crying]--I came to love him! [the patty slowly slides off his spatula and into the trash bin] It just isn't fair! [he cries even louder, soaking and enraging Squidward from the counter window] :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob, will you stop crying?! :'''SpongeBob''': But the Krabby Patty fell on the floor and then he... :'''Squidward''': Krabby Patty nothing! :'''SpongeBob''': I-- :'''Squidward''': ''[shouting]'' ''KRABBY PATTY '''NOTHING!!!!''''' ''[breathes heavily. SpongeBob whimpers]'' What now? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[stifled]'' You yelled at me... ''[wailing]'' '''YOU YELLED AT ME!!!!!!!''''' ''[continues sobbing]'' :'''Squidward''': All right, look. So far today, and it's not even 2:00 yet, you have cried 43 times. :'''SpongeBob''': And you wrote that number on a chalkboard. :'''Squidward''': Yes! :'''SpongeBob''': Why? :'''Squidward''': [pauses for a second] I have no idea. :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, Squidward, there's no way I cry that much. There's not that many tears in my brain. :'''Squidward''': Au contraire. [turns on a TV] :'''SpongeBob''': What's this? :'''Squidward''': It's a quick montage of flashbacks I've edited together that shows the hundreds of tears you have cried over the years. :''[the video begins to play, showing SpongeBob crying in the Krusty Krab, in a grocery store, at Mrs. Puff's Boating School, in Jellyfish Fields, in the bathroom, and more like near a bus stop for no reason]'' :'''SpongeBob''': [in the video] Boo! Hoo! Boohoo! Sob. Whimper. :'''Narrator''': Thousands of tears later... :''[SpongeBob continues to watch himself crying in the video]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Wow, guess I do cry a lot. I promise I won't cry anymore. :'''Squidward''': Oh, nonsense! I bet you can't go the rest of the day without crying. :'''SpongeBob''': [realizes something] Excuse me a minute. [he walks up to a rotary telephone and dials it, Patrick appears lazily sitting on his couch when his own phone rings] :'''Patrick''': [answers it] Star... residence. Patrick speaking. :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Patrick. :'''Patrick''': Hey, buddy! Is it 7:30 already? :'''SpongeBob''': No, I'm still at work. :'''Patrick''': How can I help you? :'''SpongeBob''': Do you think that I could go the rest of the day without crying? :'''Patrick''': [mouth full with popcorn] Well, of course you can. :'''SpongeBob''': Okay, great, thanks, Patrick. :'''Patrick''': Umm... sure. And did you remember to put that package outside where I told you? :'''SpongeBob''': Yeah, but I left it in a different spot. Just ask Gary, he knows where it is. :'''Patrick''': Oh, yeah. [laughs with his mouth full] Hey, good one, buddy. You almost had me there. :'''SpongeBob''': [chuckles] Okay. :'''Patrick''': Yeah, talk to you later. :'''SpongeBob''': All right, see ya. [hangs up, then walks back up to Squidward] Okay, it's a bet. :'''Squidward''': [shakes SpongeBob's hand] Fine. If you cry one tear before midnight, you have to... [thinks] Wash my bike, clean out my rain gutters, and do all my yard work for a year. :'''SpongeBob''': Sounds fair to me. And if I make it to midnight without crying, you'll come to a slumber party at my place. Just you and me. [Squidward retches and swallows] Ooh, what's the matter? :'''Squidward''': Um, nothing, I just threw up a little in my mouth. [begins talking in his thoughts] No need to worry, Squiddy. You've outdone yourself. He'll be crying in ten minutes. ===''Summer Job (19.2)''=== ==Episode 20== ===''One Coarse Meal (20.1)''=== :'''Karen''': My triumphant husband returns. How'd you fail this time? :'''Plankton''': Krabs had a whale! :'''Karen''': You mean his big, bad, scary teenage daughter? :'''Plankton''': I hear that mocking tone in your voice, Karen, and I don't appreciate it! Don't you remember what happened to my ancestors at the hands of those beasts?! :''[Plankton's family is shown being eaten by a whale]'' :'''Karen''': Okay, when you need a break from your delusional paranoia, the trash needs some attention. It's ripened. <hr width=50%> :'''Plankton''': ''[crying]'' What's the point of going on? I'll just be tortured for the rest of my life by that whale! ''[lies down]'' That's it. I'm done. The 4:15 bus should be along any time now. :'''SpongeBob''': Hi, Plankton. What are you doing laying in the middle of the road? :'''Plankton''': Go away, Cheese head! Can't you see I'm trying to get run over?! In fact, better yet, just step on me as hard as you can. Would you do that for me? :'''SpongeBob''': I'm sorry, Plankton, but that flies in the face of my good nature. :'''Plankton''': Forget it, kid. I'll just wait for the next bus. Go on back to the Krusty Krab and enjoy yourself. ===''Gary In Love (20.2)''=== ==Episode 21== ===''The Play's the Thing (21.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Squidward, no! Those patties aren't fit for public consumption! :'''Squidward''': Here, enjoy! <hr width=60%> :'''SpongeBob''': ''[tries not to cry]'' Bless you all. :'''Patrick''': I like throwing food. ''[chucks a burnt Krabby Patty at SpongeBob]'' :'''SpongeBob''': OW!! :'''All''': ''FOOD FIGHT!!!!'' <hr width=60%> :'''Squidward''': AAAAAHH!!! :'''Patrick''': Haw haw! Ah haw haw! ''[hurls an anchor]'' ===''Rodeo Daze (21.2)''=== ==External links== {{Wikipedia|SpongeBob SquarePants (season 7)}} [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants seasons]] [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]] capy3vyc0dhh9tvji8idgc58ciq61tm 3157997 3157987 2022-08-25T23:18:09Z 67.241.180.73 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 1|1]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 2|2]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 3|3]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 4|4]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 5|5]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 6|6]] '''7''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 8|8]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 9|9]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 10|10]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 11|11]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 12|12]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 13|13]] ([[SpongeBob SquarePants|Main]]) | '''Movies''': [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water|Sponge Out of Water]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run|Sponge on the Run]] | '''Spin-offs:''' [[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years|Kamp Koral]] / [[The Patrick Star Show]] ---- <br> '''''[[w:SpongeBob_SquarePants|SpongeBob SquarePants]]''''' (1999-) is an animated TV series, airing on Nickelodeon about the adventures and endeavors of the title character and his various friends in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom. It spawned [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie|a movie]], followed by several short films, and video games. ==Cast== *Tom Kenny as SpongeBob, Snooty Narrator, TV Voice, Narrator, Chopped Liver, Cop #1, Squidward's House, Jellyfish, Carney Fish #1, Fish #2, Fish #40, Fish #47, Fish #83, Gary, Worker Fish, Customer #5, Cod Darringer, Hans, Cop, Trash Fish, Fish #107, Cowboy, Mail Fish, Bellboy, Crab #1, Beuford, Customer (male), Fish #64, Fish #37a, Director *Bill Fagerbakke as Patrick, TV Producer, Fish #1, Customer #2, Health Inspector, Assistant, Fish #105 *Rodger Bumpass as Squidward, Leftover, Fish #107, Customer #3, Announcer, Chintzy McGee, KK Customer *Clancy Brown as Mr. Krabs, Carney Fish #2, Fish #83, Customer #1, Dad, Giant Bell Hop, Customer, Eagle Head *Mr. Lawrence as Plankton, Larry the Lobster, Customer #1 *Carolyn Lawrence as Sandy *Dee Bradley Baker as Zeus, Squilliam, Cop, Worker, Newscaster, Billy, Boss, Director, Cloaked One, Boy Fish, Crab #2, Host *Lori Alan as Pearl, Grandma *Jill Talley as Twin #1, Twin #2, Karen, Fish #48, Fish #49, Customer #4, Fish #157, Mom, Gramma *Sirena Irwin as Agent Fish, Actress, Reporter, Kid Fish, Fortune Teller, Fish #46 *Mary Jo Catlett as Mrs. Puff *Chiba as Kitten *Brian Dolye Murray as Flying Dutchman ==Episode 1== ==="Pet or Pests" (1.1)=== :''[Mrs. Wormley and Gary are growling each other again.]'' :'''Patrick''': It looks like they're still not getting used to each other. :'''SpongeBob''': Well, these things take time. :''[Gary and Mrs. Wormsley start fighting again. SpongeBob and Patrick see the fight and they run and hide in SpongeBob's bed]'' :'''SpongeBob and Patrick''': Duck and Cover! :''[the fighting still continues outside of conch street]'' :'''Patrick''': This town is getting too rough for me. :'''SpongeBob''': He's chased her away! Now, who will care for her abandoned newborn infants? :'''Patrick''': Maybe you could take care of them. :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, no way Patrick. I've never seen Gary that upset. ==="Komputer Overload" (1.2)=== ==Episode 2== ==="Gullible Pants" (2.1)=== ==="Overbooked" (2.2)=== ==Episode 3== ==="No Hat for Pat" (3.1)=== :'''Frankie Billy''': That guy still flopping? :'''Frank''': Yeah! Amazing, isn't it? :'''Frankie Billy''': Doesn't that get old? :'''Harold''': He's got a point. :'''Frank''': Yeah. You've seen enough? :'''Harold''': Yeah, let's get out of here. [He, Frank, and another customer throw their food on the floor and leave] :'''Frankie Billy''': Me, too. I'm out. [He throws his food on the floor and leaves like everybody else] :'''Mr. Krabs''': What? Wait! Don't go! Why ya leaving? :'''Harold''': This guy's act is stale! We crave excitement! [all the other customers argue] :'''Mr. Krabs''': Okay, Okay! You want excitement? What if I added a box? [puts Patrick on a box as he falls from it] Huh? Huh? :'''Frankie Billy''': Sort of the same, really. :'''Frank''': Yeah. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Oh, okay, so what if he flopped from two boxes...? [adds another box, but the customers are still bored] ...into a cream pie? [puts a cream pie in place] :'''Patrick''': I like pie. :'''Frankie Billy''': Say now. :'''Frank''': That, I'd pay to see! ==="Toy Store of Doom" (3.2)=== ==Episode 4== ==="Sand Castles in the Sand" (4.1)=== :'''SpongeBob''': [Floating gently down] All is fair in love and war my friend slash enemy, or should I say, my friend-enemy!? [presses a sand button where a jet fighter resembling an [[w: General Dynamics F-16 Fighting Falcon|F-16]] hovers in midair until SpongeBob lands in the cockpit. It then starts chasing Patrick's robot head] Let's have some real fun! [Presses a button that launches two missiles that fly towards Patrick. Patrick screams as he turns his robot head away from the missiles] ==="Shell Shocked" (4.2)=== ==Episode 5== ==="Chum Bucket Supreme" (5.1)=== :'''Mini Brain Patrick 1''': Forget about what that word means! There's a fire breaking out in the language lobes! :'''Mini Brain Patrick 2''': We need to get outta here! ''[Mini Brain Patrick 3 pushes on a door with signs saying "PULL TO OPEN"]'' :'''Mini Brain Patrick 3''': The door's jammed! :'''Mini Brain Patrick 2''': Push harder! ''[all Mini Brain Patricks start moaning and coughing]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Karen''': Don't look now, but I think your catchy slogan days are numbered. :'''Nat''': ''[barfs on floor]'' Something's not right. :'''Pilar''': Yeah, I know, I keep sayin' "Chum is Fum" but it's...ehh...it's just not working. :'''Nat''': I'm outta here. ''[throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]'' :'''Pilar''': ''[also throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]'' :'''Plankton''': ''[To Patrick who is sleeping]'' Patrick! :'''Patrick''': ''[Wakes up]'' Huh? :'''Plankton''': We're having a board meeting here! We need ideas! :'''Patrick''': ''[Examining a line graph whose line ends in a toilet]'' Hmmmm...mmmhmmm...uh-huh. I think I see the problem. Your potty has a shocky thing in it! :'''Plankton''': ''[Annoyed]'' '''NO!''' That's not ''it'' you '''FOOL'''! We need a new slogan! You need to come up with a new genius catchphrase like ''Chum is Fum!'' But ''different''. :'''Patrick''': Oh gotcha. Hmmmm. ''[Cut to Chum Bucket, whose slogan has been switched to "Fum is Chum!"]'' :'''Nat''': I'm so happy that they changed that old tired slogan "Chum is Fum"! :'''Pilar''': Yeah that new slogan, "Fum is Chum" is way cooler! :'''Nat''': Way cooler! :'''Patrick''': Excuse me, sir. [hands resignation slip] My resignation. [shows picture of himself in a [[w:fighter aircraft|fighter plane]] shooting bullets] ==="Single Cell Anniversary" (5.2)=== :'''Plankton''': ''[singing]'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''Put down those punch cards,'' ::''Put down those punch cards,'' ::''And listen to my ode.'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''What compares to,'' ::''What compares to...'' ::''Ehhhh, um, eeh... AH-HA!'' ::''Your beautiful diodes?'' ::''(Instrumental break)'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''I was blinded, yes, I was blinded,'' ::''I was blinded by the light of your cathode ray.'' ::''Oh, I built you, yes, I built you,'' ::''I built you in the - ehhh... erm...'' ::''In the shape of a cube!'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''You'll never know how much I love your vacuum tubes!'' ==[[w:Truth or Square|"Truth or Square" (Episodes 6–7)]]== :'''SpongeBob''': Can you believe it's been eleventy seven years already? :''[Gary meows angrily]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[gasps]'' Watch the potty mouth, Gar! ==Episode 8== ==="Pineapple Fever" (8.1)=== :'''Squidward''': WHOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOO!!!! SO LONG, SUCKERS!!!! ''(falling)'' Oof! Oh, curse you, Preflumster! OOF! OH, <big>'''''CURSE YOU PREFLUMSTER!!!!'''''</big> ==="Chum Caverns" (8.2)=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': Satisfied with yourself, Plankton! Now you've trapped us all underground! :'''Fish #5''': But at least we're trapped in a good restaurant! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Capturing customers! I should've though of it sooner, but without Squidward, I need someone to work the register. ''[Cut to Plankton and a cave creature working the register. The creature raises its whip]'' :'''Cave Dweller #2''': '''AAUUGGHHH!!!''' ==[[w:The Clash of Triton|"The Clash of Triton" (Episode 9)]]== :'''Sadie''': Did you hear that? Neptune said it was all because of ''that'' guy! ''[citizens with torches, pitchforks, splinters, and other weapons form a mob with the damaged city in the background]'' :'''Policeman''': He ''did'', did he? :'''Patrick''': Uh... SpongeBob? :'''SpongeBob''': Yes, Patrick? :'''Patrick''': Do you think now's a good time to get those Triple Gooberry Sundays you were talking about? :'''SpongeBob''': I think now would be an excellent time, yes. (But let's run first and see if we can lose the mob.) ''[the episode ends with he and Patrick screaming whilst getting chased by the angry mob]'' ==Episode 10== ===''Tentacle-Vision (10.1)''=== :'''Patrick''': ''[laughing]'' My shorts are wet! <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Patrick, just how dumb ''are'' you? :'''Patrick''': It varies. ===''I love Dancing (10.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': ''[upon seeing SpongeBob dancing]'' That is the stupidest dance I've ever seen. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[to Squidward]'' Who put you on the planet? ---- :'''Twin Sisters''': [singing] We're tiny, we're cuddly, we're bubbly, wubbly, huggly! :'''Talent Agent''': That was very cute, girls! ''[then annoyed]'' In fact, it's ''too'' cute. You're out. :'''Twin Sisters''': I told you it was a stupid idea... and I hate you, too! ==Episode 11== ===''Growth Spout (11.1)''=== :'''Cracker''': What am I, chopped liver? :'''Offscreen voice''': No, that's what ''I'' am. ''[zoom out showing a jar of chopped liver]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Mrs. Puff''': ''[in her sleep]'' Must...protect garden. <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward's house''': Oh, well. I needed to lose a little weight anyway. ===''Stuck in the Wringer (11.2)''=== ==Episode 12== ===''Someone's in the Kitchen with Sandy (12.1)''=== ===''The Inside Job (12.2)''=== :''[Plankton unplugs SpongeBob's ear drum]'' :'''Plankton''': Let me see what I can tune in here. Hmm. :'''Mr. Krabs''': The secret of the Krabby Patty formula is-- :'''Plankton''': Jackpot! :'''Spongebob''': Huh? :'''Mr, Krabs''': I said-- :'''SpongeBob''': Could you speak a little louder, please? :'''Mr. Krabs''': The secret to the Krabby Patty formula-- :'''SpongeBob''': What? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Hold on. :'''Plankton''': Here it comes! :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[shouting into a megaphone] <big>'''THE SECRET TO THE KRABBY PATTY FORMULA IS...!'''</big> [The shouting causes Plankton's ears to pop]'' :'''Plankton''': OW!!! I hate my life! <hr width=50%> :'''Plankton''': Enough with these petty carnal senses. If I'm going to get the Krabby Patty recipe...''[he arrives at...]'' The brain! :''[Snickering evily, he sticks one end of the mind connector to the brain and absorbs some of it]'' :'''Plankton''': Hi, friend! [he gasps as he saw "Superficial Greetings" on the brain] "Superficial Greetings"? What kind of idiot...? ''[sees the parts of the brain]'' --"Personal Opinions"? "Knock-knock Jokes"?! No, no, no, no! This is all useless! ==Episode 13== ===''Greasy Buffoons (13.1)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs/Plankton''': Oh, no! Did somebody call the Health inspector? :'''Health inspector''': Did somebody call a... Health inspector? ===''Model Sponge (13.2)''=== ==Episode 14== ===''Keep Bikini Bottom Beautiful (14.1)''=== ===''A Pal for Gary (14.2)''=== :''[Spongebob sees little puffy fish being sold by a peddler, and becomes enticed by them and decides to get one of them for Gary] :'''SpongeBob''': I'll take that one right there! :'''Store Owner''': You wish to have one of my rare and extremely dangerous... huh? :'''SpongeBob''': Oh yeah this is the one. ''[picks one of them]'' :'''Store Owner''': Beware, boy, this is no ordinary pet! :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, Gary's gonna be so happy! :'''Store Owner''': You ''must'' understand. These pets can be ''very'' unstable. especially around other pets! :''[She proves this by showing a picture of a cat next to another puffy fish, who snarls at it.]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[obliviously]'' Yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks, bye. ''[he runs off]'' :'''Store Owner''': Why bother? They never listen. <hr width=50%> :'''Spongebob''': Ahh. I can rest so peacefully, now that Gary's got a good pal they could play with. :''[Just as he goes to sleep, Gary bursts through the door, scared and meowing in alarm, causing him to wake up with a start.]'' :'''Spongebob''': Gary! Shame on you! ''[takes Gary back in the living room]'' Puffy Fluffy is perfectly harmless. ''[he takes the blanket off, revealing what he thinks is normal Puffy Fluffy]'' See there he is fast asleep. Now will you let me sleep, Gary, please? [sets Gary back on a small green bed and covers him with a small blanket] Good night. ''[goes back to bed]'' <hr width=50%> :''[After Spongebob wakes up and notices the damage to the house, thanks to Puffy Fluffy]'' :'''Spongebob''': Huh? What's this? Must have been a sea quake last night. Oh well, what are you gonna do? ''[opens the galley door which falls over]'' That's unusual. WHOA!! [sees the library which is a total wreck] My library! ''[gasps]'' And my prized memoirs of T.S. Halibut! ''[gasps]'' My clothes! [picks up his torn pants] This was no random sea quake, Who could have done this? Why, there was no one here except... ''[mistakenly realizes something]'' ...Gary. I bet he's jealous about the new friend! ==Episode 15== ===''Yours, Mine and Mine (15.1)''=== :'''Patrick''': Uh, I'm not home right now! Please leave a message! Beeeep... :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick, it's me! SpongeBob! It's my turn to play with the toy! :'''Patrick''': I can't go out! I just washed my hair! :'''SpongeBob''': You don't have any h-come out, Patrick! It's MY turn!! :'''Patrick''': Got any ID? :'''SpongeBob''': I have my milkshake dispenser operator license. :'''Patrick''': ''[looks at it]'' Looks fake to me pal! Bye-Bye now! :'''SpongeBob''': Well, I guess I had best be going! ''[Pretends to walk away]'' I'm walking away...Here I go... ''[quietly]'' I'm gone now! ''[hides on Patrick's antenna]'' :'''Patrick''': You sure? :'''SpongeBob''': I'm sure! ''[Patrick comes out, he jumps at him]'' Hi, Patrick! Time to ''SHARE!'' :'''Patrick''': DECEIVER! You didn't leave at all!! :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, and you were washing your hair!?! :'''Patrick''': I was too, See? ''[shows his armpit hair]'' <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': [Surprised] Gary was so right about you! You're a non-sharer! :'''Patrick''': Gary said that? You're off my friend list, Gary!! :'''Gary''': Meow. [turns and slithers back into SpongeBob's house] :'''SpongeBob''': Hand it over, Patrick! ''I'' get to play with the Patty Pal today! :'''Patrick''': You can't take it, It's not fair! :'''SpongeBob''': How about I take it for ''half'' a day? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': How about we trade off every ''hour''? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': Every ''half'' hour? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': Every ''fifteen minutes''? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': ''Five'' minutes? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': ''One'' minute? :'''Patrick''': N-n-no! :'''SpongeBob''': Okay then, for our final offer we trade off every ''second!'' :''[They pass Patty Pal back and fourth every second]'' :'''Patrick''': One. :'''SpongeBob''': One. :'''Patrick''': One. :''[Pause, Patrick runs off while SpongeBob tears himself angrily]'' ===''Kracked Krabs (15.2)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs:''': Lad, you're surrounded by stingy wisdom, so try to pick up some pointers. But whatever you do, don't lend anyone money! :'''SpongeBob:''': ''[lending money to another crab]'' 25, 26... ==Episode 16== ===''The Curse of Bikini Bottom (16.1)''=== ===''Squidward in Clarinetland (16.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': Order up, SpongeBob! :''[walk towards SpongeBob]'' :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob! What do you think you're doing? You're supposed to be fry cooking. I told you not to touch my stuff! :'''SpongeBob''': I didn't! I wore protective gloves! And besides, don't you like how classy it look now? :'''Squidward''': Velvet.. :'''SpongeBob''': Now I'd like to stand by and idly chat with you, Squidward, But I must attend to my Krusty Krab duties! In the future, please keep your interruptions to a minimum sir, please! <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Hey, come back! I need my clarinet! Come Back! Where are you? Sponge- :''[bumps into an eagle head]'' :'''Eagle''': I am the keeper of the horned forest, state your business here. :'''Squidward''': uuhh.. I'm.. trying to find my clarinet. :'''Eagle''': ''Your'' clarinet? :'''Squidward:''': Yes, my clarinet! Which I am the proud owner. :''[Eagle laughs]'' :'''Eagle''': A clarinet is not owned. Why don't you tell me why you're really here? :'''Squidward''': You calling me a ''LIAR?!'' :''[Eagle grabs Squidward with his tongue]'' :'''Eagle''': I don't appreciate your tone. :'''Squidward''': I'm sorry I-I-I didn't mean to offend you. :'''Eagle''': This is a sacred place where clarinets live without persecution. You need to learn respect. :'''Squidward''': ''[Eagle squeezed squidward tightly]'' I've learned.. ''[loosely]'' I've learned respect... :'''Eagle''': I don't believe you. :''[Swallows Squidward and he ends up in the stomach, Squidward sees SpongeBob]'' ==''[[w:SpongeBob's Last Stand|SpongeBob's Last Stand (Episode 17)]]''== :'''SpongeBob''': Okay everyone, say goodbye to the worst thing that's happened to this town since 97 cent stores. :'''Everyone''': YEAH! ''[SpongeBob tries to break the highway with the tractor, but it just stopped]'' :'''Plankton''': Good effort, Spongedope, but you can't tear up my highway, it's indestructible! :'''Larry Lobster''': Not if we have anything to do with it! :'''SpongeBob''': Larry Lobster! :'''Larry Lobster''': That's right, pal, but that's not all. ''[Sandy walks out from the crowd, waving]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Sandy Squirrel! ''[Mrs. Puff walks out of the crowd]'' Mrs. Puff! ''[Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy both walk out from the crowd]'' Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy! ''[Patrick walks walk out from the crowd]'' Patrick! :'''Patrick''': Su-Su-Su-Su! :'''SpongeBob''': And Squidward! ''[Squidward doesn't walk out from the crowd]'' :'''Fish 3''': Nope, that's everybody! :'''Larry Lobster''': Push! ''[He, Patrick, Mrs. Puff, Mermaid Man, Barnacle Boy and Sandy push]'' Harder!!!!! ''[They push harder]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Harder still! :'''Fish 3''': You heard the little square guy, yeah! ''[Everybody lines up behind the tractor and pushes it]'' :'''Plankton''': Wait! I didn't count on all of you working together! ''[Everybody pushes hard enough that the highway breaks!]'' My highway! STOP! YOU CAN'T! ''[Plankton gets crushed by the tractor!]'' :'''Everyone''': YEAH! ''[The arch over the Krusty Krab breaks down in a pile of dust and the smog clears]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': Praise Neptune. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[Singing]'' ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, it's the jellyfishing song!'' :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''SpongeBob''': ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, everyone sing along!'' :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''Everyone''': ''[Singing]'' Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, it's the jellyfishing song! :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''Everyone''': ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly everyone siiiiinnnnggggg!'' ''[The camera zooms out and we cut to the Jellyfish Fields ranger]'' :'''Ranger''': ''[bored voice]'' Everyone sing along. ''[switches the "closed" sign to "open," and then walks away]'' ==Episode XVIII== ===''Back to the Past (XVIII.I)''=== :'''Mermaid Men''': ::'''#2:''' ''[running out of the time machine along with the second Barnacle Boy, Spongebob and Patrick]'' Keep your tongue out of my tarter sauce! ::'''#1:''' Imposters! ::'''#2:''' Who are you calling imposter, imposter? I must prevent our tarter sauce from being eaten by that... ''[pans to Patrick]'' ...That fool! ::'''#1:''' If I want to get near my tarter sauce, I gotta go through me first! ::'''#2:''' I’m gonna make you eat those words! ::'''#1:''' Bring It! ''[gets "slapped"]'' Take this! ''["punches" himself's hair]'' I’ll never let you win! ::'''#2:''' Oh, yes I will! ::'''Young:''' What do you make of this, Barnacle Boy? :'''Young Barnacle Boy''': Tangled Timeline, Mermaid Man. I... :'''Man Ray''': ''[laughs wickedly]'' You old coots provided me the perfect distraction. Now prepare to be disappeared! :'''Young Mermaid Man''': Sounds good on paper, you purveyor of pure evil, but, fortunately, we all know what happens to paper underwater. Barnacle Boy, the tartar sauce. ''[pours tartar sauce on the Second Man Ray]'' :'''Patrick 2''': Wow! I've never eaten that much tartar sauce. :'''Patrick 1''': Yes, you have. :'''Patrick 2''': Well, it sure ain't sittin' right. :'''Man Ray''': ''[laughs wickedly]'' Foolish mools. Once again, your buffoonery has given me victory! ''[blows up the tartar sauce can and laughs wickedly]'' Oh, I'm going to savor this. It's not every day I get to defeat Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy three times over! ''[is about to shoot two SpongeBobs, Patrick, two Old Mermaid Mans and Barnacle Boys but another time machine comes]'' :'''SpongeBob 2''': ''[He along with the second Patrick comes out of the machine]'' Patrick, don’t eat the tartar sauce! :'''Man Ray''': You’re too late! Your fat friend beat you to it. Now, prepare to taste laser! ''[another time machine comes, which it opens, and the third SpongeBob and Patrick are falling, screaming]'' So how... :'''SpongeBob 4''': ''[The time machine door with the fourth SpongeBob and Patrick]'' I told you we had to go back farther! :'''Man Ray''': Uh... ''[Tries to think but another time machine comes]'' :'''Mermaid Man 3''': Up, up, and away! ''[The third Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy jump out and fall to the ground]'' :'''SpongeBob 5''': ''[another time machine opens with the fifth Patrick also]'' Now, Patrick! ''[He along with the fifth Patrick pour tartar sauce on the third Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy and drop the can on them]'' :'''Man Ray''': I can't get my head around this. Where are they all coming from? ''[Man Ray 2's machine comes]'' Another machine? ''[Man Ray 2 comes out]'' :'''Man Ray 2''': ''[shoots his own whole time machine and laughs wickedly]'' I took care of your blasted time machine! ''[laughs again and flies away]'' :'''Man Ray''': Uh! I got to sit down and think this through. :'''Young Mermaid Man''': ''[chains Man Ray]'' Gotta! You've got plenty of time for thinking in the stony lonesome. :'''Man Ray''': I'm sorry, did you say something? I'm still trying to comprehend what just happened here. :'''Young Mermaid Man''': It's pretty simple, really. You were defeated by a convoy of continuum-cruising crime stoppers. Thank you, SpongeBob and Patrick. :'''Four SpongeBobs and Two Patricks''': You're welcome! :'''SpongeBob 6 and Patrick 6''': ''[another time machine which holds seven SpongeBobs and six Patricks comes]'' Oh, hi there! Hello! Hello! Hello! :'''One Other Patrick''': Hey! Oh, I can't believe it! :'''One Other SpongeBob''': We just wanted to come back and revisit the day that evil was defeated forever. :'''SpongeBob 7''': ''[another time machine appears]'' Hey, how you doing? :'''Patrick 7''': We're here. :'''Eighth and Ninth SpongeBobs and Patricks''': ''[two time machines appear]'' Oh, hi there! How you doing? :'''Tenth SpongeBob and Patrick''': Hello! Hello! :'''Even More SpongeBobs and Patricks''': ''[more appear]'' Oh hi there! ''[More and more appear while the episode pans into outer space]'' Hello! Hello! ===''The Bad Guy Club for Villains (XVIII.II)''=== :'''Patrick''': Hey, what happened? Why are those squiggles on the screen? :'''SpongeBob''': Those are called "End Credits", Patrick. :'''Patrick''': End credits? But I don't want it to end! :'''SpongeBob''': That's why Neptune gave us the rewind button! ''[pushes a button]'' :'''Patrick''': Thank you, Neptune! ''[The screen goes back to the beginning and zooms in before the episode ends]'' ==Episode 19== ===''A Day Without Tears (19.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': He was a good little Krabby Patty. [sniffs] I didn't know him well, but in the few short seconds between grill and floor, I--[opens the trash lid and begins crying]--I came to love him! [the patty slowly slides off his spatula and into the trash bin] It just isn't fair! [he cries even louder, soaking and enraging Squidward from the counter window] :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob, will you stop crying?! :'''SpongeBob''': But the Krabby Patty fell on the floor and then he... :'''Squidward''': Krabby Patty nothing! :'''SpongeBob''': I-- :'''Squidward''': ''[shouting]'' ''KRABBY PATTY '''NOTHING!!!!''''' ''[breathes heavily. SpongeBob whimpers]'' What now? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[stifled]'' You yelled at me... ''[wailing]'' '''YOU YELLED AT ME!!!!!!!''''' ''[continues sobbing]'' :'''Squidward''': All right, look. So far today, and it's not even 2:00 yet, you have cried 43 times. :'''SpongeBob''': And you wrote that number on a chalkboard. :'''Squidward''': Yes! :'''SpongeBob''': Why? :'''Squidward''': [pauses for a second] I have no idea. :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, Squidward, there's no way I cry that much. There's not that many tears in my brain. :'''Squidward''': Au contraire. [turns on a TV] :'''SpongeBob''': What's this? :'''Squidward''': It's a quick montage of flashbacks I've edited together that shows the hundreds of tears you have cried over the years. :''[the video begins to play, showing SpongeBob crying in the Krusty Krab, in a grocery store, at Mrs. Puff's Boating School, in Jellyfish Fields, in the bathroom, and more like near a bus stop for no reason]'' :'''SpongeBob''': [in the video] Boo! Hoo! Boohoo! Sob. Whimper. :'''Narrator''': Thousands of tears later... :''[SpongeBob continues to watch himself crying in the video]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Wow, guess I do cry a lot. I promise I won't cry anymore. :'''Squidward''': Oh, nonsense! I bet you can't go the rest of the day without crying. :'''SpongeBob''': [realizes something] Excuse me a minute. [he walks up to a rotary telephone and dials it, Patrick appears lazily sitting on his couch when his own phone rings] :'''Patrick''': [answers it] Star... residence. Patrick speaking. :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Patrick. :'''Patrick''': Hey, buddy! Is it 7:30 already? :'''SpongeBob''': No, I'm still at work. :'''Patrick''': How can I help you? :'''SpongeBob''': Do you think that I could go the rest of the day without crying? :'''Patrick''': [mouth full with popcorn] Well, of course you can. :'''SpongeBob''': Okay, great, thanks, Patrick. :'''Patrick''': Umm... sure. And did you remember to put that package outside where I told you? :'''SpongeBob''': Yeah, but I left it in a different spot. Just ask Gary, he knows where it is. :'''Patrick''': Oh, yeah. [laughs with his mouth full] Hey, good one, buddy. You almost had me there. :'''SpongeBob''': [chuckles] Okay. :'''Patrick''': Yeah, talk to you later. :'''SpongeBob''': All right, see ya. [hangs up, then walks back up to Squidward] Okay, it's a bet. :'''Squidward''': [shakes SpongeBob's hand] Fine. If you cry one tear before midnight, you have to... [thinks] Wash my bike, clean out my rain gutters, and do all my yard work for a year. :'''SpongeBob''': Sounds fair to me. And if I make it to midnight without crying, you'll come to a slumber party at my place. Just you and me. [Squidward retches and swallows] Ooh, what's the matter? :'''Squidward''': Um, nothing, I just threw up a little in my mouth. [begins talking in his thoughts] No need to worry, Squiddy. You've outdone yourself. He'll be crying in ten minutes. ===''Summer Job (19.2)''=== ==Episode 20== ===''One Coarse Meal (20.1)''=== :'''Karen''': My triumphant husband returns. How'd you fail this time? :'''Plankton''': Krabs had a whale! :'''Karen''': You mean his big, bad, scary teenage daughter? :'''Plankton''': I hear that mocking tone in your voice, Karen, and I don't appreciate it! Don't you remember what happened to my ancestors at the hands of those beasts?! :''[Plankton's family is shown being eaten by a whale]'' :'''Karen''': Okay, when you need a break from your delusional paranoia, the trash needs some attention. It's ripened. <hr width=50%> :'''Plankton''': ''[crying]'' What's the point of going on? I'll just be tortured for the rest of my life by that whale! ''[lies down]'' That's it. I'm done. The 4:15 bus should be along any time now. :'''SpongeBob''': Hi, Plankton. What are you doing laying in the middle of the road? :'''Plankton''': Go away, Cheese head! Can't you see I'm trying to get run over?! In fact, better yet, just step on me as hard as you can. Would you do that for me? :'''SpongeBob''': I'm sorry, Plankton, but that flies in the face of my good nature. :'''Plankton''': Forget it, kid. I'll just wait for the next bus. Go on back to the Krusty Krab and enjoy yourself. ===''Gary In Love (20.2)''=== ==Episode 21== ===''The Play's the Thing (21.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Squidward, no! Those patties aren't fit for public consumption! :'''Squidward''': Here, enjoy! <hr width=60%> :'''SpongeBob''': ''[tries not to cry]'' Bless you all. :'''Patrick''': I like throwing food. ''[chucks a burnt Krabby Patty at SpongeBob]'' :'''SpongeBob''': OW!! :'''All''': ''FOOD FIGHT!!!!'' <hr width=60%> :'''Squidward''': AAAAAHH!!! :'''Patrick''': Haw haw! Ah haw haw! ''[hurls an anchor]'' ===''Rodeo Daze (21.2)''=== ==External links== {{Wikipedia|SpongeBob SquarePants (season 7)}} [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants seasons]] [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]] rpkhlvz944uif4na1otg9ps8qos0f4t 3158003 3157997 2022-08-25T23:27:00Z 67.241.180.73 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 1|1]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 2|2]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 3|3]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 4|4]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 5|5]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 6|6]] '''7''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 8|8]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 9|9]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 10|10]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 11|11]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 12|12]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 13|13]] ([[SpongeBob SquarePants|Main]]) | '''Movies''': [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water|Sponge Out of Water]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run|Sponge on the Run]] | '''Spin-offs:''' [[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years|Kamp Koral]] / [[The Patrick Star Show]] ---- <br> '''''[[w:SpongeBob_SquarePants|SpongeBob SquarePants]]''''' (1999-) is an animated TV series, airing on Nickelodeon about the adventures and endeavors of the title character and his various friends in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom. It spawned [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie|a movie]], followed by several short films, and video games. ==Cast== *Tom Kenny as SpongeBob, Snooty Narrator, TV Voice, Narrator, Chopped Liver, Cop #1, Squidward's House, Jellyfish, Carney Fish #1, Fish #2, Fish #40, Fish #47, Fish #83, Gary, Worker Fish, Customer #5, Cod Darringer, Hans, Cop, Trash Fish, Fish #107, Cowboy, Mail Fish, Bellboy, Crab #1, Beuford, Customer (male), Fish #64, Fish #37a, Director, Cop, Scotsman, Reporter, Man, Mayor, Jellyfish *Bill Fagerbakke as Patrick, TV Producer, Fish #1, Customer #2, Health Inspector, Assistant, Fish #105, Fish #107, Fax Machine *Rodger Bumpass as Squidward, Leftover, Fish #107, Customer #3, Announcer, Chintzy McGee, KK Customer, Fish #41 *Clancy Brown as Mr. Krabs, Carney Fish #2, Fish #83, Customer #1, Dad, Giant Bell Hop, Customer, Eagle Head, Ranger *Mr. Lawrence as Plankton, Larry the Lobster, Customer #1, Citizen Fish #45 *Carolyn Lawrence as Sandy *Dee Bradley Baker as Zeus, Squilliam, Cop, Worker, Newscaster, Billy, Boss, Director, Cloaked One, Boy Fish, Crab #2, Host *Lori Alan as Pearl, Grandma *Jill Talley as Twin #1, Twin #2, Karen, Fish #48, Fish #49, Customer #4, Fish #157, Mom, Gramma *Sirena Irwin as Agent Fish, Actress, Reporter, Kid Fish, Fortune Teller, Fish #46 *Mary Jo Catlett as Mrs. Puff *Chiba as Kitten *Brian Dolye Murray as Flying Dutchman ==Episode 1== ==="Pet or Pests" (1.1)=== :''[Mrs. Wormley and Gary are growling each other again.]'' :'''Patrick''': It looks like they're still not getting used to each other. :'''SpongeBob''': Well, these things take time. :''[Gary and Mrs. Wormsley start fighting again. SpongeBob and Patrick see the fight and they run and hide in SpongeBob's bed]'' :'''SpongeBob and Patrick''': Duck and Cover! :''[the fighting still continues outside of conch street]'' :'''Patrick''': This town is getting too rough for me. :'''SpongeBob''': He's chased her away! Now, who will care for her abandoned newborn infants? :'''Patrick''': Maybe you could take care of them. :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, no way Patrick. I've never seen Gary that upset. ==="Komputer Overload" (1.2)=== ==Episode 2== ==="Gullible Pants" (2.1)=== ==="Overbooked" (2.2)=== ==Episode 3== ==="No Hat for Pat" (3.1)=== :'''Frankie Billy''': That guy still flopping? :'''Frank''': Yeah! Amazing, isn't it? :'''Frankie Billy''': Doesn't that get old? :'''Harold''': He's got a point. :'''Frank''': Yeah. You've seen enough? :'''Harold''': Yeah, let's get out of here. [He, Frank, and another customer throw their food on the floor and leave] :'''Frankie Billy''': Me, too. I'm out. [He throws his food on the floor and leaves like everybody else] :'''Mr. Krabs''': What? Wait! Don't go! Why ya leaving? :'''Harold''': This guy's act is stale! We crave excitement! [all the other customers argue] :'''Mr. Krabs''': Okay, Okay! You want excitement? What if I added a box? [puts Patrick on a box as he falls from it] Huh? Huh? :'''Frankie Billy''': Sort of the same, really. :'''Frank''': Yeah. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Oh, okay, so what if he flopped from two boxes...? [adds another box, but the customers are still bored] ...into a cream pie? [puts a cream pie in place] :'''Patrick''': I like pie. :'''Frankie Billy''': Say now. :'''Frank''': That, I'd pay to see! ==="Toy Store of Doom" (3.2)=== ==Episode 4== ==="Sand Castles in the Sand" (4.1)=== :'''SpongeBob''': [Floating gently down] All is fair in love and war my friend slash enemy, or should I say, my friend-enemy!? [presses a sand button where a jet fighter resembling an [[w: General Dynamics F-16 Fighting Falcon|F-16]] hovers in midair until SpongeBob lands in the cockpit. It then starts chasing Patrick's robot head] Let's have some real fun! [Presses a button that launches two missiles that fly towards Patrick. Patrick screams as he turns his robot head away from the missiles] ==="Shell Shocked" (4.2)=== ==Episode 5== ==="Chum Bucket Supreme" (5.1)=== :'''Mini Brain Patrick 1''': Forget about what that word means! There's a fire breaking out in the language lobes! :'''Mini Brain Patrick 2''': We need to get outta here! ''[Mini Brain Patrick 3 pushes on a door with signs saying "PULL TO OPEN"]'' :'''Mini Brain Patrick 3''': The door's jammed! :'''Mini Brain Patrick 2''': Push harder! ''[all Mini Brain Patricks start moaning and coughing]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Karen''': Don't look now, but I think your catchy slogan days are numbered. :'''Nat''': ''[barfs on floor]'' Something's not right. :'''Pilar''': Yeah, I know, I keep sayin' "Chum is Fum" but it's...ehh...it's just not working. :'''Nat''': I'm outta here. ''[throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]'' :'''Pilar''': ''[also throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]'' :'''Plankton''': ''[To Patrick who is sleeping]'' Patrick! :'''Patrick''': ''[Wakes up]'' Huh? :'''Plankton''': We're having a board meeting here! We need ideas! :'''Patrick''': ''[Examining a line graph whose line ends in a toilet]'' Hmmmm...mmmhmmm...uh-huh. I think I see the problem. Your potty has a shocky thing in it! :'''Plankton''': ''[Annoyed]'' '''NO!''' That's not ''it'' you '''FOOL'''! We need a new slogan! You need to come up with a new genius catchphrase like ''Chum is Fum!'' But ''different''. :'''Patrick''': Oh gotcha. Hmmmm. ''[Cut to Chum Bucket, whose slogan has been switched to "Fum is Chum!"]'' :'''Nat''': I'm so happy that they changed that old tired slogan "Chum is Fum"! :'''Pilar''': Yeah that new slogan, "Fum is Chum" is way cooler! :'''Nat''': Way cooler! :'''Patrick''': Excuse me, sir. [hands resignation slip] My resignation. [shows picture of himself in a [[w:fighter aircraft|fighter plane]] shooting bullets] ==="Single Cell Anniversary" (5.2)=== :'''Plankton''': ''[singing]'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''Put down those punch cards,'' ::''Put down those punch cards,'' ::''And listen to my ode.'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''What compares to,'' ::''What compares to...'' ::''Ehhhh, um, eeh... AH-HA!'' ::''Your beautiful diodes?'' ::''(Instrumental break)'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''I was blinded, yes, I was blinded,'' ::''I was blinded by the light of your cathode ray.'' ::''Oh, I built you, yes, I built you,'' ::''I built you in the - ehhh... erm...'' ::''In the shape of a cube!'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''You'll never know how much I love your vacuum tubes!'' ==[[w:Truth or Square|"Truth or Square" (Episodes 6–7)]]== :'''SpongeBob''': Can you believe it's been eleventy seven years already? :''[Gary meows angrily]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[gasps]'' Watch the potty mouth, Gar! ==Episode 8== ==="Pineapple Fever" (8.1)=== :'''Squidward''': WHOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOO!!!! SO LONG, SUCKERS!!!! ''(falling)'' Oof! Oh, curse you, Preflumster! OOF! OH, <big>'''''CURSE YOU PREFLUMSTER!!!!'''''</big> ==="Chum Caverns" (8.2)=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': Satisfied with yourself, Plankton! Now you've trapped us all underground! :'''Fish #5''': But at least we're trapped in a good restaurant! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Capturing customers! I should've though of it sooner, but without Squidward, I need someone to work the register. ''[Cut to Plankton and a cave creature working the register. The creature raises its whip]'' :'''Cave Dweller #2''': '''AAUUGGHHH!!!''' ==[[w:The Clash of Triton|"The Clash of Triton" (Episode 9)]]== :'''Sadie''': Did you hear that? Neptune said it was all because of ''that'' guy! ''[citizens with torches, pitchforks, splinters, and other weapons form a mob with the damaged city in the background]'' :'''Policeman''': He ''did'', did he? :'''Patrick''': Uh... SpongeBob? :'''SpongeBob''': Yes, Patrick? :'''Patrick''': Do you think now's a good time to get those Triple Gooberry Sundays you were talking about? :'''SpongeBob''': I think now would be an excellent time, yes. (But let's run first and see if we can lose the mob.) ''[the episode ends with he and Patrick screaming whilst getting chased by the angry mob]'' ==Episode 10== ===''Tentacle-Vision (10.1)''=== :'''Patrick''': ''[laughing]'' My shorts are wet! <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Patrick, just how dumb ''are'' you? :'''Patrick''': It varies. ===''I love Dancing (10.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': ''[upon seeing SpongeBob dancing]'' That is the stupidest dance I've ever seen. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[to Squidward]'' Who put you on the planet? ---- :'''Twin Sisters''': [singing] We're tiny, we're cuddly, we're bubbly, wubbly, huggly! :'''Talent Agent''': That was very cute, girls! ''[then annoyed]'' In fact, it's ''too'' cute. You're out. :'''Twin Sisters''': I told you it was a stupid idea... and I hate you, too! ==Episode 11== ===''Growth Spout (11.1)''=== :'''Cracker''': What am I, chopped liver? :'''Offscreen voice''': No, that's what ''I'' am. ''[zoom out showing a jar of chopped liver]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Mrs. Puff''': ''[in her sleep]'' Must...protect garden. <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward's house''': Oh, well. I needed to lose a little weight anyway. ===''Stuck in the Wringer (11.2)''=== ==Episode 12== ===''Someone's in the Kitchen with Sandy (12.1)''=== ===''The Inside Job (12.2)''=== :''[Plankton unplugs SpongeBob's ear drum]'' :'''Plankton''': Let me see what I can tune in here. Hmm. :'''Mr. Krabs''': The secret of the Krabby Patty formula is-- :'''Plankton''': Jackpot! :'''Spongebob''': Huh? :'''Mr, Krabs''': I said-- :'''SpongeBob''': Could you speak a little louder, please? :'''Mr. Krabs''': The secret to the Krabby Patty formula-- :'''SpongeBob''': What? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Hold on. :'''Plankton''': Here it comes! :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[shouting into a megaphone] <big>'''THE SECRET TO THE KRABBY PATTY FORMULA IS...!'''</big> [The shouting causes Plankton's ears to pop]'' :'''Plankton''': OW!!! I hate my life! <hr width=50%> :'''Plankton''': Enough with these petty carnal senses. If I'm going to get the Krabby Patty recipe...''[he arrives at...]'' The brain! :''[Snickering evily, he sticks one end of the mind connector to the brain and absorbs some of it]'' :'''Plankton''': Hi, friend! [he gasps as he saw "Superficial Greetings" on the brain] "Superficial Greetings"? What kind of idiot...? ''[sees the parts of the brain]'' --"Personal Opinions"? "Knock-knock Jokes"?! No, no, no, no! This is all useless! ==Episode 13== ===''Greasy Buffoons (13.1)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs/Plankton''': Oh, no! Did somebody call the Health inspector? :'''Health inspector''': Did somebody call a... Health inspector? ===''Model Sponge (13.2)''=== ==Episode 14== ===''Keep Bikini Bottom Beautiful (14.1)''=== ===''A Pal for Gary (14.2)''=== :''[Spongebob sees little puffy fish being sold by a peddler, and becomes enticed by them and decides to get one of them for Gary] :'''SpongeBob''': I'll take that one right there! :'''Store Owner''': You wish to have one of my rare and extremely dangerous... huh? :'''SpongeBob''': Oh yeah this is the one. ''[picks one of them]'' :'''Store Owner''': Beware, boy, this is no ordinary pet! :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, Gary's gonna be so happy! :'''Store Owner''': You ''must'' understand. These pets can be ''very'' unstable. especially around other pets! :''[She proves this by showing a picture of a cat next to another puffy fish, who snarls at it.]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[obliviously]'' Yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks, bye. ''[he runs off]'' :'''Store Owner''': Why bother? They never listen. <hr width=50%> :'''Spongebob''': Ahh. I can rest so peacefully, now that Gary's got a good pal they could play with. :''[Just as he goes to sleep, Gary bursts through the door, scared and meowing in alarm, causing him to wake up with a start.]'' :'''Spongebob''': Gary! Shame on you! ''[takes Gary back in the living room]'' Puffy Fluffy is perfectly harmless. ''[he takes the blanket off, revealing what he thinks is normal Puffy Fluffy]'' See there he is fast asleep. Now will you let me sleep, Gary, please? [sets Gary back on a small green bed and covers him with a small blanket] Good night. ''[goes back to bed]'' <hr width=50%> :''[After Spongebob wakes up and notices the damage to the house, thanks to Puffy Fluffy]'' :'''Spongebob''': Huh? What's this? Must have been a sea quake last night. Oh well, what are you gonna do? ''[opens the galley door which falls over]'' That's unusual. WHOA!! [sees the library which is a total wreck] My library! ''[gasps]'' And my prized memoirs of T.S. Halibut! ''[gasps]'' My clothes! [picks up his torn pants] This was no random sea quake, Who could have done this? Why, there was no one here except... ''[mistakenly realizes something]'' ...Gary. I bet he's jealous about the new friend! ==Episode 15== ===''Yours, Mine and Mine (15.1)''=== :'''Patrick''': Uh, I'm not home right now! Please leave a message! Beeeep... :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick, it's me! SpongeBob! It's my turn to play with the toy! :'''Patrick''': I can't go out! I just washed my hair! :'''SpongeBob''': You don't have any h-come out, Patrick! It's MY turn!! :'''Patrick''': Got any ID? :'''SpongeBob''': I have my milkshake dispenser operator license. :'''Patrick''': ''[looks at it]'' Looks fake to me pal! Bye-Bye now! :'''SpongeBob''': Well, I guess I had best be going! ''[Pretends to walk away]'' I'm walking away...Here I go... ''[quietly]'' I'm gone now! ''[hides on Patrick's antenna]'' :'''Patrick''': You sure? :'''SpongeBob''': I'm sure! ''[Patrick comes out, he jumps at him]'' Hi, Patrick! Time to ''SHARE!'' :'''Patrick''': DECEIVER! You didn't leave at all!! :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, and you were washing your hair!?! :'''Patrick''': I was too, See? ''[shows his armpit hair]'' <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': [Surprised] Gary was so right about you! You're a non-sharer! :'''Patrick''': Gary said that? You're off my friend list, Gary!! :'''Gary''': Meow. [turns and slithers back into SpongeBob's house] :'''SpongeBob''': Hand it over, Patrick! ''I'' get to play with the Patty Pal today! :'''Patrick''': You can't take it, It's not fair! :'''SpongeBob''': How about I take it for ''half'' a day? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': How about we trade off every ''hour''? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': Every ''half'' hour? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': Every ''fifteen minutes''? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': ''Five'' minutes? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': ''One'' minute? :'''Patrick''': N-n-no! :'''SpongeBob''': Okay then, for our final offer we trade off every ''second!'' :''[They pass Patty Pal back and fourth every second]'' :'''Patrick''': One. :'''SpongeBob''': One. :'''Patrick''': One. :''[Pause, Patrick runs off while SpongeBob tears himself angrily]'' ===''Kracked Krabs (15.2)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs:''': Lad, you're surrounded by stingy wisdom, so try to pick up some pointers. But whatever you do, don't lend anyone money! :'''SpongeBob:''': ''[lending money to another crab]'' 25, 26... ==Episode 16== ===''The Curse of Bikini Bottom (16.1)''=== ===''Squidward in Clarinetland (16.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': Order up, SpongeBob! :''[walk towards SpongeBob]'' :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob! What do you think you're doing? You're supposed to be fry cooking. I told you not to touch my stuff! :'''SpongeBob''': I didn't! I wore protective gloves! And besides, don't you like how classy it look now? :'''Squidward''': Velvet.. :'''SpongeBob''': Now I'd like to stand by and idly chat with you, Squidward, But I must attend to my Krusty Krab duties! In the future, please keep your interruptions to a minimum sir, please! <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Hey, come back! I need my clarinet! Come Back! Where are you? Sponge- :''[bumps into an eagle head]'' :'''Eagle''': I am the keeper of the horned forest, state your business here. :'''Squidward''': uuhh.. I'm.. trying to find my clarinet. :'''Eagle''': ''Your'' clarinet? :'''Squidward:''': Yes, my clarinet! Which I am the proud owner. :''[Eagle laughs]'' :'''Eagle''': A clarinet is not owned. Why don't you tell me why you're really here? :'''Squidward''': You calling me a ''LIAR?!'' :''[Eagle grabs Squidward with his tongue]'' :'''Eagle''': I don't appreciate your tone. :'''Squidward''': I'm sorry I-I-I didn't mean to offend you. :'''Eagle''': This is a sacred place where clarinets live without persecution. You need to learn respect. :'''Squidward''': ''[Eagle squeezed squidward tightly]'' I've learned.. ''[loosely]'' I've learned respect... :'''Eagle''': I don't believe you. :''[Swallows Squidward and he ends up in the stomach, Squidward sees SpongeBob]'' ==''[[w:SpongeBob's Last Stand|SpongeBob's Last Stand (Episode 17)]]''== :'''SpongeBob''': Okay everyone, say goodbye to the worst thing that's happened to this town since 97 cent stores. :'''Everyone''': YEAH! ''[SpongeBob tries to break the highway with the tractor, but it just stopped]'' :'''Plankton''': Good effort, Spongedope, but you can't tear up my highway, it's indestructible! :'''Larry Lobster''': Not if we have anything to do with it! :'''SpongeBob''': Larry Lobster! :'''Larry Lobster''': That's right, pal, but that's not all. ''[Sandy walks out from the crowd, waving]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Sandy Squirrel! ''[Mrs. Puff walks out of the crowd]'' Mrs. Puff! ''[Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy both walk out from the crowd]'' Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy! ''[Patrick walks walk out from the crowd]'' Patrick! :'''Patrick''': Su-Su-Su-Su! :'''SpongeBob''': And Squidward! ''[Squidward doesn't walk out from the crowd]'' :'''Fish 3''': Nope, that's everybody! :'''Larry Lobster''': Push! ''[He, Patrick, Mrs. Puff, Mermaid Man, Barnacle Boy and Sandy push]'' Harder!!!!! ''[They push harder]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Harder still! :'''Fish 3''': You heard the little square guy, yeah! ''[Everybody lines up behind the tractor and pushes it]'' :'''Plankton''': Wait! I didn't count on all of you working together! ''[Everybody pushes hard enough that the highway breaks!]'' My highway! STOP! YOU CAN'T! ''[Plankton gets crushed by the tractor!]'' :'''Everyone''': YEAH! ''[The arch over the Krusty Krab breaks down in a pile of dust and the smog clears]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': Praise Neptune. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[Singing]'' ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, it's the jellyfishing song!'' :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''SpongeBob''': ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, everyone sing along!'' :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''Everyone''': ''[Singing]'' Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, it's the jellyfishing song! :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''Everyone''': ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly everyone siiiiinnnnggggg!'' ''[The camera zooms out and we cut to the Jellyfish Fields ranger]'' :'''Ranger''': ''[bored voice]'' Everyone sing along. ''[switches the "closed" sign to "open," and then walks away]'' ==Episode XVIII== ===''Back to the Past (XVIII.I)''=== :'''Mermaid Men''': ::'''#2:''' ''[running out of the time machine along with the second Barnacle Boy, Spongebob and Patrick]'' Keep your tongue out of my tarter sauce! ::'''#1:''' Imposters! ::'''#2:''' Who are you calling imposter, imposter? I must prevent our tarter sauce from being eaten by that... ''[pans to Patrick]'' ...That fool! ::'''#1:''' If I want to get near my tarter sauce, I gotta go through me first! ::'''#2:''' I’m gonna make you eat those words! ::'''#1:''' Bring It! ''[gets "slapped"]'' Take this! ''["punches" himself's hair]'' I’ll never let you win! ::'''#2:''' Oh, yes I will! ::'''Young:''' What do you make of this, Barnacle Boy? :'''Young Barnacle Boy''': Tangled Timeline, Mermaid Man. I... :'''Man Ray''': ''[laughs wickedly]'' You old coots provided me the perfect distraction. Now prepare to be disappeared! :'''Young Mermaid Man''': Sounds good on paper, you purveyor of pure evil, but, fortunately, we all know what happens to paper underwater. Barnacle Boy, the tartar sauce. ''[pours tartar sauce on the Second Man Ray]'' :'''Patrick 2''': Wow! I've never eaten that much tartar sauce. :'''Patrick 1''': Yes, you have. :'''Patrick 2''': Well, it sure ain't sittin' right. :'''Man Ray''': ''[laughs wickedly]'' Foolish mools. Once again, your buffoonery has given me victory! ''[blows up the tartar sauce can and laughs wickedly]'' Oh, I'm going to savor this. It's not every day I get to defeat Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy three times over! ''[is about to shoot two SpongeBobs, Patrick, two Old Mermaid Mans and Barnacle Boys but another time machine comes]'' :'''SpongeBob 2''': ''[He along with the second Patrick comes out of the machine]'' Patrick, don’t eat the tartar sauce! :'''Man Ray''': You’re too late! Your fat friend beat you to it. Now, prepare to taste laser! ''[another time machine comes, which it opens, and the third SpongeBob and Patrick are falling, screaming]'' So how... :'''SpongeBob 4''': ''[The time machine door with the fourth SpongeBob and Patrick]'' I told you we had to go back farther! :'''Man Ray''': Uh... ''[Tries to think but another time machine comes]'' :'''Mermaid Man 3''': Up, up, and away! ''[The third Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy jump out and fall to the ground]'' :'''SpongeBob 5''': ''[another time machine opens with the fifth Patrick also]'' Now, Patrick! ''[He along with the fifth Patrick pour tartar sauce on the third Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy and drop the can on them]'' :'''Man Ray''': I can't get my head around this. Where are they all coming from? ''[Man Ray 2's machine comes]'' Another machine? ''[Man Ray 2 comes out]'' :'''Man Ray 2''': ''[shoots his own whole time machine and laughs wickedly]'' I took care of your blasted time machine! ''[laughs again and flies away]'' :'''Man Ray''': Uh! I got to sit down and think this through. :'''Young Mermaid Man''': ''[chains Man Ray]'' Gotta! You've got plenty of time for thinking in the stony lonesome. :'''Man Ray''': I'm sorry, did you say something? I'm still trying to comprehend what just happened here. :'''Young Mermaid Man''': It's pretty simple, really. You were defeated by a convoy of continuum-cruising crime stoppers. Thank you, SpongeBob and Patrick. :'''Four SpongeBobs and Two Patricks''': You're welcome! :'''SpongeBob 6 and Patrick 6''': ''[another time machine which holds seven SpongeBobs and six Patricks comes]'' Oh, hi there! Hello! Hello! Hello! :'''One Other Patrick''': Hey! Oh, I can't believe it! :'''One Other SpongeBob''': We just wanted to come back and revisit the day that evil was defeated forever. :'''SpongeBob 7''': ''[another time machine appears]'' Hey, how you doing? :'''Patrick 7''': We're here. :'''Eighth and Ninth SpongeBobs and Patricks''': ''[two time machines appear]'' Oh, hi there! How you doing? :'''Tenth SpongeBob and Patrick''': Hello! Hello! :'''Even More SpongeBobs and Patricks''': ''[more appear]'' Oh hi there! ''[More and more appear while the episode pans into outer space]'' Hello! Hello! ===''The Bad Guy Club for Villains (XVIII.II)''=== :'''Patrick''': Hey, what happened? Why are those squiggles on the screen? :'''SpongeBob''': Those are called "End Credits", Patrick. :'''Patrick''': End credits? But I don't want it to end! :'''SpongeBob''': That's why Neptune gave us the rewind button! ''[pushes a button]'' :'''Patrick''': Thank you, Neptune! ''[The screen goes back to the beginning and zooms in before the episode ends]'' ==Episode 19== ===''A Day Without Tears (19.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': He was a good little Krabby Patty. [sniffs] I didn't know him well, but in the few short seconds between grill and floor, I--[opens the trash lid and begins crying]--I came to love him! [the patty slowly slides off his spatula and into the trash bin] It just isn't fair! [he cries even louder, soaking and enraging Squidward from the counter window] :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob, will you stop crying?! :'''SpongeBob''': But the Krabby Patty fell on the floor and then he... :'''Squidward''': Krabby Patty nothing! :'''SpongeBob''': I-- :'''Squidward''': ''[shouting]'' ''KRABBY PATTY '''NOTHING!!!!''''' ''[breathes heavily. SpongeBob whimpers]'' What now? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[stifled]'' You yelled at me... ''[wailing]'' '''YOU YELLED AT ME!!!!!!!''''' ''[continues sobbing]'' :'''Squidward''': All right, look. So far today, and it's not even 2:00 yet, you have cried 43 times. :'''SpongeBob''': And you wrote that number on a chalkboard. :'''Squidward''': Yes! :'''SpongeBob''': Why? :'''Squidward''': [pauses for a second] I have no idea. :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, Squidward, there's no way I cry that much. There's not that many tears in my brain. :'''Squidward''': Au contraire. [turns on a TV] :'''SpongeBob''': What's this? :'''Squidward''': It's a quick montage of flashbacks I've edited together that shows the hundreds of tears you have cried over the years. :''[the video begins to play, showing SpongeBob crying in the Krusty Krab, in a grocery store, at Mrs. Puff's Boating School, in Jellyfish Fields, in the bathroom, and more like near a bus stop for no reason]'' :'''SpongeBob''': [in the video] Boo! Hoo! Boohoo! Sob. Whimper. :'''Narrator''': Thousands of tears later... :''[SpongeBob continues to watch himself crying in the video]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Wow, guess I do cry a lot. I promise I won't cry anymore. :'''Squidward''': Oh, nonsense! I bet you can't go the rest of the day without crying. :'''SpongeBob''': [realizes something] Excuse me a minute. [he walks up to a rotary telephone and dials it, Patrick appears lazily sitting on his couch when his own phone rings] :'''Patrick''': [answers it] Star... residence. Patrick speaking. :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Patrick. :'''Patrick''': Hey, buddy! Is it 7:30 already? :'''SpongeBob''': No, I'm still at work. :'''Patrick''': How can I help you? :'''SpongeBob''': Do you think that I could go the rest of the day without crying? :'''Patrick''': [mouth full with popcorn] Well, of course you can. :'''SpongeBob''': Okay, great, thanks, Patrick. :'''Patrick''': Umm... sure. And did you remember to put that package outside where I told you? :'''SpongeBob''': Yeah, but I left it in a different spot. Just ask Gary, he knows where it is. :'''Patrick''': Oh, yeah. [laughs with his mouth full] Hey, good one, buddy. You almost had me there. :'''SpongeBob''': [chuckles] Okay. :'''Patrick''': Yeah, talk to you later. :'''SpongeBob''': All right, see ya. [hangs up, then walks back up to Squidward] Okay, it's a bet. :'''Squidward''': [shakes SpongeBob's hand] Fine. If you cry one tear before midnight, you have to... [thinks] Wash my bike, clean out my rain gutters, and do all my yard work for a year. :'''SpongeBob''': Sounds fair to me. And if I make it to midnight without crying, you'll come to a slumber party at my place. Just you and me. [Squidward retches and swallows] Ooh, what's the matter? :'''Squidward''': Um, nothing, I just threw up a little in my mouth. [begins talking in his thoughts] No need to worry, Squiddy. You've outdone yourself. He'll be crying in ten minutes. ===''Summer Job (19.2)''=== ==Episode 20== ===''One Coarse Meal (20.1)''=== :'''Karen''': My triumphant husband returns. How'd you fail this time? :'''Plankton''': Krabs had a whale! :'''Karen''': You mean his big, bad, scary teenage daughter? :'''Plankton''': I hear that mocking tone in your voice, Karen, and I don't appreciate it! Don't you remember what happened to my ancestors at the hands of those beasts?! :''[Plankton's family is shown being eaten by a whale]'' :'''Karen''': Okay, when you need a break from your delusional paranoia, the trash needs some attention. It's ripened. <hr width=50%> :'''Plankton''': ''[crying]'' What's the point of going on? I'll just be tortured for the rest of my life by that whale! ''[lies down]'' That's it. I'm done. The 4:15 bus should be along any time now. :'''SpongeBob''': Hi, Plankton. What are you doing laying in the middle of the road? :'''Plankton''': Go away, Cheese head! Can't you see I'm trying to get run over?! In fact, better yet, just step on me as hard as you can. Would you do that for me? :'''SpongeBob''': I'm sorry, Plankton, but that flies in the face of my good nature. :'''Plankton''': Forget it, kid. I'll just wait for the next bus. Go on back to the Krusty Krab and enjoy yourself. ===''Gary In Love (20.2)''=== ==Episode 21== ===''The Play's the Thing (21.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Squidward, no! Those patties aren't fit for public consumption! :'''Squidward''': Here, enjoy! <hr width=60%> :'''SpongeBob''': ''[tries not to cry]'' Bless you all. :'''Patrick''': I like throwing food. ''[chucks a burnt Krabby Patty at SpongeBob]'' :'''SpongeBob''': OW!! :'''All''': ''FOOD FIGHT!!!!'' <hr width=60%> :'''Squidward''': AAAAAHH!!! :'''Patrick''': Haw haw! Ah haw haw! ''[hurls an anchor]'' ===''Rodeo Daze (21.2)''=== ==External links== {{Wikipedia|SpongeBob SquarePants (season 7)}} [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants seasons]] [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]] 23vscovxmcbtsbsyzogaxe7v8y4npco 3158007 3158003 2022-08-25T23:38:00Z 67.241.180.73 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 1|1]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 2|2]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 3|3]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 4|4]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 5|5]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 6|6]] '''7''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 8|8]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 9|9]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 10|10]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 11|11]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 12|12]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 13|13]] ([[SpongeBob SquarePants|Main]]) | '''Movies''': [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water|Sponge Out of Water]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run|Sponge on the Run]] | '''Spin-offs:''' [[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years|Kamp Koral]] / [[The Patrick Star Show]] ---- <br> '''''[[w:SpongeBob_SquarePants|SpongeBob SquarePants]]''''' (1999-) is an animated TV series, airing on Nickelodeon about the adventures and endeavors of the title character and his various friends in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom. It spawned [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie|a movie]], followed by several short films, and video games. ==Cast== *Tom Kenny as SpongeBob, Snooty Narrator, TV Voice, Narrator, Chopped Liver, Cop #1, Squidward's House, Jellyfish, Carney Fish #1, Fish #2, Fish #40, Fish #47, Fish #83, Gary, Worker Fish, Customer #5, Cod Darringer, Hans, Cop, Trash Fish, Fish #107, Cowboy, Mail Fish, Bellboy, Crab #1, Beuford, Customer (male), Fish #64, Fish #37a, Director, Cop, Scotsman, Reporter, Man, Mayor, Jellyfish, Dirty Bubble, Pyrite Panderer, Hand Creature, Professor Magma *Bill Fagerbakke as Patrick, TV Producer, Fish #1, Customer #2, Health Inspector, Assistant, Fish #105, Fish #107, Fax Machine *Rodger Bumpass as Squidward, Leftover, Fish #107, Customer #3, Announcer, Chintzy McGee, KK Customer, Fish #41 *Clancy Brown as Mr. Krabs, Carney Fish #2, Fish #83, Customer #1, Dad, Giant Bell Hop, Customer, Eagle Head, Ranger *Mr. Lawrence as Plankton, Larry the Lobster, Customer #1, Citizen Fish #45, TV Narrator, Sinister Slug *Carolyn Lawrence as Sandy *Dee Bradley Baker as Zeus, Squilliam, Cop, Worker, Newscaster, Billy, Boss, Director, Cloaked One, Boy Fish, Crab #2, Host, Atomic Flounder, Jumbo Shrimp, Elastic Waist Band *Lori Alan as Pearl, Grandma *Jill Talley as Twin #1, Twin #2, Karen, Fish #48, Fish #49, Customer #4, Fish #157, Mom, Gramma *Sirena Irwin as Agent Fish, Actress, Reporter, Kid Fish, Fortune Teller, Fish #46, Miss Appear *Mary Jo Catlett as Mrs. Puff *Chiba as Kitten *Brian Dolye Murray as Flying Dutchman *Bob Joles as Man Ray *Ernest Borgnine as Mermaid Man *Tim Conway as Barnacle Boy *Adam West as Young Mermaid Man *Burt Ward as Young Barnacle Boy ==Episode 1== ==="Pet or Pests" (1.1)=== :''[Mrs. Wormley and Gary are growling each other again.]'' :'''Patrick''': It looks like they're still not getting used to each other. :'''SpongeBob''': Well, these things take time. :''[Gary and Mrs. Wormsley start fighting again. SpongeBob and Patrick see the fight and they run and hide in SpongeBob's bed]'' :'''SpongeBob and Patrick''': Duck and Cover! :''[the fighting still continues outside of conch street]'' :'''Patrick''': This town is getting too rough for me. :'''SpongeBob''': He's chased her away! Now, who will care for her abandoned newborn infants? :'''Patrick''': Maybe you could take care of them. :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, no way Patrick. I've never seen Gary that upset. ==="Komputer Overload" (1.2)=== ==Episode 2== ==="Gullible Pants" (2.1)=== ==="Overbooked" (2.2)=== ==Episode 3== ==="No Hat for Pat" (3.1)=== :'''Frankie Billy''': That guy still flopping? :'''Frank''': Yeah! Amazing, isn't it? :'''Frankie Billy''': Doesn't that get old? :'''Harold''': He's got a point. :'''Frank''': Yeah. You've seen enough? :'''Harold''': Yeah, let's get out of here. [He, Frank, and another customer throw their food on the floor and leave] :'''Frankie Billy''': Me, too. I'm out. [He throws his food on the floor and leaves like everybody else] :'''Mr. Krabs''': What? Wait! Don't go! Why ya leaving? :'''Harold''': This guy's act is stale! We crave excitement! [all the other customers argue] :'''Mr. Krabs''': Okay, Okay! You want excitement? What if I added a box? [puts Patrick on a box as he falls from it] Huh? Huh? :'''Frankie Billy''': Sort of the same, really. :'''Frank''': Yeah. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Oh, okay, so what if he flopped from two boxes...? [adds another box, but the customers are still bored] ...into a cream pie? [puts a cream pie in place] :'''Patrick''': I like pie. :'''Frankie Billy''': Say now. :'''Frank''': That, I'd pay to see! ==="Toy Store of Doom" (3.2)=== ==Episode 4== ==="Sand Castles in the Sand" (4.1)=== :'''SpongeBob''': [Floating gently down] All is fair in love and war my friend slash enemy, or should I say, my friend-enemy!? [presses a sand button where a jet fighter resembling an [[w: General Dynamics F-16 Fighting Falcon|F-16]] hovers in midair until SpongeBob lands in the cockpit. It then starts chasing Patrick's robot head] Let's have some real fun! [Presses a button that launches two missiles that fly towards Patrick. Patrick screams as he turns his robot head away from the missiles] ==="Shell Shocked" (4.2)=== ==Episode 5== ==="Chum Bucket Supreme" (5.1)=== :'''Mini Brain Patrick 1''': Forget about what that word means! There's a fire breaking out in the language lobes! :'''Mini Brain Patrick 2''': We need to get outta here! ''[Mini Brain Patrick 3 pushes on a door with signs saying "PULL TO OPEN"]'' :'''Mini Brain Patrick 3''': The door's jammed! :'''Mini Brain Patrick 2''': Push harder! ''[all Mini Brain Patricks start moaning and coughing]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Karen''': Don't look now, but I think your catchy slogan days are numbered. :'''Nat''': ''[barfs on floor]'' Something's not right. :'''Pilar''': Yeah, I know, I keep sayin' "Chum is Fum" but it's...ehh...it's just not working. :'''Nat''': I'm outta here. ''[throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]'' :'''Pilar''': ''[also throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]'' :'''Plankton''': ''[To Patrick who is sleeping]'' Patrick! :'''Patrick''': ''[Wakes up]'' Huh? :'''Plankton''': We're having a board meeting here! We need ideas! :'''Patrick''': ''[Examining a line graph whose line ends in a toilet]'' Hmmmm...mmmhmmm...uh-huh. I think I see the problem. Your potty has a shocky thing in it! :'''Plankton''': ''[Annoyed]'' '''NO!''' That's not ''it'' you '''FOOL'''! We need a new slogan! You need to come up with a new genius catchphrase like ''Chum is Fum!'' But ''different''. :'''Patrick''': Oh gotcha. Hmmmm. ''[Cut to Chum Bucket, whose slogan has been switched to "Fum is Chum!"]'' :'''Nat''': I'm so happy that they changed that old tired slogan "Chum is Fum"! :'''Pilar''': Yeah that new slogan, "Fum is Chum" is way cooler! :'''Nat''': Way cooler! :'''Patrick''': Excuse me, sir. [hands resignation slip] My resignation. [shows picture of himself in a [[w:fighter aircraft|fighter plane]] shooting bullets] ==="Single Cell Anniversary" (5.2)=== :'''Plankton''': ''[singing]'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''Put down those punch cards,'' ::''Put down those punch cards,'' ::''And listen to my ode.'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''What compares to,'' ::''What compares to...'' ::''Ehhhh, um, eeh... AH-HA!'' ::''Your beautiful diodes?'' ::''(Instrumental break)'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''I was blinded, yes, I was blinded,'' ::''I was blinded by the light of your cathode ray.'' ::''Oh, I built you, yes, I built you,'' ::''I built you in the - ehhh... erm...'' ::''In the shape of a cube!'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''You'll never know how much I love your vacuum tubes!'' ==[[w:Truth or Square|"Truth or Square" (Episodes 6–7)]]== :'''SpongeBob''': Can you believe it's been eleventy seven years already? :''[Gary meows angrily]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[gasps]'' Watch the potty mouth, Gar! ==Episode 8== ==="Pineapple Fever" (8.1)=== :'''Squidward''': WHOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOO!!!! SO LONG, SUCKERS!!!! ''(falling)'' Oof! Oh, curse you, Preflumster! OOF! OH, <big>'''''CURSE YOU PREFLUMSTER!!!!'''''</big> ==="Chum Caverns" (8.2)=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': Satisfied with yourself, Plankton! Now you've trapped us all underground! :'''Fish #5''': But at least we're trapped in a good restaurant! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Capturing customers! I should've though of it sooner, but without Squidward, I need someone to work the register. ''[Cut to Plankton and a cave creature working the register. The creature raises its whip]'' :'''Cave Dweller #2''': '''AAUUGGHHH!!!''' ==[[w:The Clash of Triton|"The Clash of Triton" (Episode 9)]]== :'''Sadie''': Did you hear that? Neptune said it was all because of ''that'' guy! ''[citizens with torches, pitchforks, splinters, and other weapons form a mob with the damaged city in the background]'' :'''Policeman''': He ''did'', did he? :'''Patrick''': Uh... SpongeBob? :'''SpongeBob''': Yes, Patrick? :'''Patrick''': Do you think now's a good time to get those Triple Gooberry Sundays you were talking about? :'''SpongeBob''': I think now would be an excellent time, yes. (But let's run first and see if we can lose the mob.) ''[the episode ends with he and Patrick screaming whilst getting chased by the angry mob]'' ==Episode 10== ===''Tentacle-Vision (10.1)''=== :'''Patrick''': ''[laughing]'' My shorts are wet! <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Patrick, just how dumb ''are'' you? :'''Patrick''': It varies. ===''I love Dancing (10.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': ''[upon seeing SpongeBob dancing]'' That is the stupidest dance I've ever seen. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[to Squidward]'' Who put you on the planet? ---- :'''Twin Sisters''': [singing] We're tiny, we're cuddly, we're bubbly, wubbly, huggly! :'''Talent Agent''': That was very cute, girls! ''[then annoyed]'' In fact, it's ''too'' cute. You're out. :'''Twin Sisters''': I told you it was a stupid idea... and I hate you, too! ==Episode 11== ===''Growth Spout (11.1)''=== :'''Cracker''': What am I, chopped liver? :'''Offscreen voice''': No, that's what ''I'' am. ''[zoom out showing a jar of chopped liver]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Mrs. Puff''': ''[in her sleep]'' Must...protect garden. <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward's house''': Oh, well. I needed to lose a little weight anyway. ===''Stuck in the Wringer (11.2)''=== ==Episode 12== ===''Someone's in the Kitchen with Sandy (12.1)''=== ===''The Inside Job (12.2)''=== :''[Plankton unplugs SpongeBob's ear drum]'' :'''Plankton''': Let me see what I can tune in here. Hmm. :'''Mr. Krabs''': The secret of the Krabby Patty formula is-- :'''Plankton''': Jackpot! :'''Spongebob''': Huh? :'''Mr, Krabs''': I said-- :'''SpongeBob''': Could you speak a little louder, please? :'''Mr. Krabs''': The secret to the Krabby Patty formula-- :'''SpongeBob''': What? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Hold on. :'''Plankton''': Here it comes! :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[shouting into a megaphone] <big>'''THE SECRET TO THE KRABBY PATTY FORMULA IS...!'''</big> [The shouting causes Plankton's ears to pop]'' :'''Plankton''': OW!!! I hate my life! <hr width=50%> :'''Plankton''': Enough with these petty carnal senses. If I'm going to get the Krabby Patty recipe...''[he arrives at...]'' The brain! :''[Snickering evily, he sticks one end of the mind connector to the brain and absorbs some of it]'' :'''Plankton''': Hi, friend! [he gasps as he saw "Superficial Greetings" on the brain] "Superficial Greetings"? What kind of idiot...? ''[sees the parts of the brain]'' --"Personal Opinions"? "Knock-knock Jokes"?! No, no, no, no! This is all useless! ==Episode 13== ===''Greasy Buffoons (13.1)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs/Plankton''': Oh, no! Did somebody call the Health inspector? :'''Health inspector''': Did somebody call a... Health inspector? ===''Model Sponge (13.2)''=== ==Episode 14== ===''Keep Bikini Bottom Beautiful (14.1)''=== ===''A Pal for Gary (14.2)''=== :''[Spongebob sees little puffy fish being sold by a peddler, and becomes enticed by them and decides to get one of them for Gary] :'''SpongeBob''': I'll take that one right there! :'''Store Owner''': You wish to have one of my rare and extremely dangerous... huh? :'''SpongeBob''': Oh yeah this is the one. ''[picks one of them]'' :'''Store Owner''': Beware, boy, this is no ordinary pet! :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, Gary's gonna be so happy! :'''Store Owner''': You ''must'' understand. These pets can be ''very'' unstable. especially around other pets! :''[She proves this by showing a picture of a cat next to another puffy fish, who snarls at it.]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[obliviously]'' Yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks, bye. ''[he runs off]'' :'''Store Owner''': Why bother? They never listen. <hr width=50%> :'''Spongebob''': Ahh. I can rest so peacefully, now that Gary's got a good pal they could play with. :''[Just as he goes to sleep, Gary bursts through the door, scared and meowing in alarm, causing him to wake up with a start.]'' :'''Spongebob''': Gary! Shame on you! ''[takes Gary back in the living room]'' Puffy Fluffy is perfectly harmless. ''[he takes the blanket off, revealing what he thinks is normal Puffy Fluffy]'' See there he is fast asleep. Now will you let me sleep, Gary, please? [sets Gary back on a small green bed and covers him with a small blanket] Good night. ''[goes back to bed]'' <hr width=50%> :''[After Spongebob wakes up and notices the damage to the house, thanks to Puffy Fluffy]'' :'''Spongebob''': Huh? What's this? Must have been a sea quake last night. Oh well, what are you gonna do? ''[opens the galley door which falls over]'' That's unusual. WHOA!! [sees the library which is a total wreck] My library! ''[gasps]'' And my prized memoirs of T.S. Halibut! ''[gasps]'' My clothes! [picks up his torn pants] This was no random sea quake, Who could have done this? Why, there was no one here except... ''[mistakenly realizes something]'' ...Gary. I bet he's jealous about the new friend! ==Episode 15== ===''Yours, Mine and Mine (15.1)''=== :'''Patrick''': Uh, I'm not home right now! Please leave a message! Beeeep... :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick, it's me! SpongeBob! It's my turn to play with the toy! :'''Patrick''': I can't go out! I just washed my hair! :'''SpongeBob''': You don't have any h-come out, Patrick! It's MY turn!! :'''Patrick''': Got any ID? :'''SpongeBob''': I have my milkshake dispenser operator license. :'''Patrick''': ''[looks at it]'' Looks fake to me pal! Bye-Bye now! :'''SpongeBob''': Well, I guess I had best be going! ''[Pretends to walk away]'' I'm walking away...Here I go... ''[quietly]'' I'm gone now! ''[hides on Patrick's antenna]'' :'''Patrick''': You sure? :'''SpongeBob''': I'm sure! ''[Patrick comes out, he jumps at him]'' Hi, Patrick! Time to ''SHARE!'' :'''Patrick''': DECEIVER! You didn't leave at all!! :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, and you were washing your hair!?! :'''Patrick''': I was too, See? ''[shows his armpit hair]'' <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': [Surprised] Gary was so right about you! You're a non-sharer! :'''Patrick''': Gary said that? You're off my friend list, Gary!! :'''Gary''': Meow. [turns and slithers back into SpongeBob's house] :'''SpongeBob''': Hand it over, Patrick! ''I'' get to play with the Patty Pal today! :'''Patrick''': You can't take it, It's not fair! :'''SpongeBob''': How about I take it for ''half'' a day? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': How about we trade off every ''hour''? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': Every ''half'' hour? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': Every ''fifteen minutes''? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': ''Five'' minutes? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': ''One'' minute? :'''Patrick''': N-n-no! :'''SpongeBob''': Okay then, for our final offer we trade off every ''second!'' :''[They pass Patty Pal back and fourth every second]'' :'''Patrick''': One. :'''SpongeBob''': One. :'''Patrick''': One. :''[Pause, Patrick runs off while SpongeBob tears himself angrily]'' ===''Kracked Krabs (15.2)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs:''': Lad, you're surrounded by stingy wisdom, so try to pick up some pointers. But whatever you do, don't lend anyone money! :'''SpongeBob:''': ''[lending money to another crab]'' 25, 26... ==Episode 16== ===''The Curse of Bikini Bottom (16.1)''=== ===''Squidward in Clarinetland (16.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': Order up, SpongeBob! :''[walk towards SpongeBob]'' :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob! What do you think you're doing? You're supposed to be fry cooking. I told you not to touch my stuff! :'''SpongeBob''': I didn't! I wore protective gloves! And besides, don't you like how classy it look now? :'''Squidward''': Velvet.. :'''SpongeBob''': Now I'd like to stand by and idly chat with you, Squidward, But I must attend to my Krusty Krab duties! In the future, please keep your interruptions to a minimum sir, please! <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Hey, come back! I need my clarinet! Come Back! Where are you? Sponge- :''[bumps into an eagle head]'' :'''Eagle''': I am the keeper of the horned forest, state your business here. :'''Squidward''': uuhh.. I'm.. trying to find my clarinet. :'''Eagle''': ''Your'' clarinet? :'''Squidward:''': Yes, my clarinet! Which I am the proud owner. :''[Eagle laughs]'' :'''Eagle''': A clarinet is not owned. Why don't you tell me why you're really here? :'''Squidward''': You calling me a ''LIAR?!'' :''[Eagle grabs Squidward with his tongue]'' :'''Eagle''': I don't appreciate your tone. :'''Squidward''': I'm sorry I-I-I didn't mean to offend you. :'''Eagle''': This is a sacred place where clarinets live without persecution. You need to learn respect. :'''Squidward''': ''[Eagle squeezed squidward tightly]'' I've learned.. ''[loosely]'' I've learned respect... :'''Eagle''': I don't believe you. :''[Swallows Squidward and he ends up in the stomach, Squidward sees SpongeBob]'' ==''[[w:SpongeBob's Last Stand|SpongeBob's Last Stand (Episode 17)]]''== :'''SpongeBob''': Okay everyone, say goodbye to the worst thing that's happened to this town since 97 cent stores. :'''Everyone''': YEAH! ''[SpongeBob tries to break the highway with the tractor, but it just stopped]'' :'''Plankton''': Good effort, Spongedope, but you can't tear up my highway, it's indestructible! :'''Larry Lobster''': Not if we have anything to do with it! :'''SpongeBob''': Larry Lobster! :'''Larry Lobster''': That's right, pal, but that's not all. ''[Sandy walks out from the crowd, waving]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Sandy Squirrel! ''[Mrs. Puff walks out of the crowd]'' Mrs. Puff! ''[Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy both walk out from the crowd]'' Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy! ''[Patrick walks walk out from the crowd]'' Patrick! :'''Patrick''': Su-Su-Su-Su! :'''SpongeBob''': And Squidward! ''[Squidward doesn't walk out from the crowd]'' :'''Fish 3''': Nope, that's everybody! :'''Larry Lobster''': Push! ''[He, Patrick, Mrs. Puff, Mermaid Man, Barnacle Boy and Sandy push]'' Harder!!!!! ''[They push harder]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Harder still! :'''Fish 3''': You heard the little square guy, yeah! ''[Everybody lines up behind the tractor and pushes it]'' :'''Plankton''': Wait! I didn't count on all of you working together! ''[Everybody pushes hard enough that the highway breaks!]'' My highway! STOP! YOU CAN'T! ''[Plankton gets crushed by the tractor!]'' :'''Everyone''': YEAH! ''[The arch over the Krusty Krab breaks down in a pile of dust and the smog clears]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': Praise Neptune. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[Singing]'' ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, it's the jellyfishing song!'' :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''SpongeBob''': ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, everyone sing along!'' :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''Everyone''': ''[Singing]'' Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, it's the jellyfishing song! :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''Everyone''': ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly everyone siiiiinnnnggggg!'' ''[The camera zooms out and we cut to the Jellyfish Fields ranger]'' :'''Ranger''': ''[bored voice]'' Everyone sing along. ''[switches the "closed" sign to "open," and then walks away]'' ==Episode XVIII== ===''Back to the Past (XVIII.I)''=== :'''Mermaid Men''': ::'''#2:''' ''[running out of the time machine along with the second Barnacle Boy, Spongebob and Patrick]'' Keep your tongue out of my tarter sauce! ::'''#1:''' Imposters! ::'''#2:''' Who are you calling imposter, imposter? I must prevent our tarter sauce from being eaten by that... ''[pans to Patrick]'' ...That fool! ::'''#1:''' If I want to get near my tarter sauce, I gotta go through me first! ::'''#2:''' I’m gonna make you eat those words! ::'''#1:''' Bring It! ''[gets "slapped"]'' Take this! ''["punches" himself's hair]'' I’ll never let you win! ::'''#2:''' Oh, yes I will! ::'''Young:''' What do you make of this, Barnacle Boy? :'''Young Barnacle Boy''': Tangled Timeline, Mermaid Man. I... :'''Man Ray''': ''[laughs wickedly]'' You old coots provided me the perfect distraction. Now prepare to be disappeared! :'''Young Mermaid Man''': Sounds good on paper, you purveyor of pure evil, but, fortunately, we all know what happens to paper underwater. Barnacle Boy, the tartar sauce. ''[pours tartar sauce on the Second Man Ray]'' :'''Patrick 2''': Wow! I've never eaten that much tartar sauce. :'''Patrick 1''': Yes, you have. :'''Patrick 2''': Well, it sure ain't sittin' right. :'''Man Ray''': ''[laughs wickedly]'' Foolish mools. Once again, your buffoonery has given me victory! ''[blows up the tartar sauce can and laughs wickedly]'' Oh, I'm going to savor this. It's not every day I get to defeat Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy three times over! ''[is about to shoot two SpongeBobs, Patrick, two Old Mermaid Mans and Barnacle Boys but another time machine comes]'' :'''SpongeBob 2''': ''[He along with the second Patrick comes out of the machine]'' Patrick, don’t eat the tartar sauce! :'''Man Ray''': You’re too late! Your fat friend beat you to it. Now, prepare to taste laser! ''[another time machine comes, which it opens, and the third SpongeBob and Patrick are falling, screaming]'' So how... :'''SpongeBob 4''': ''[The time machine door with the fourth SpongeBob and Patrick]'' I told you we had to go back farther! :'''Man Ray''': Uh... ''[Tries to think but another time machine comes]'' :'''Mermaid Man 3''': Up, up, and away! ''[The third Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy jump out and fall to the ground]'' :'''SpongeBob 5''': ''[another time machine opens with the fifth Patrick also]'' Now, Patrick! ''[He along with the fifth Patrick pour tartar sauce on the third Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy and drop the can on them]'' :'''Man Ray''': I can't get my head around this. Where are they all coming from? ''[Man Ray 2's machine comes]'' Another machine? ''[Man Ray 2 comes out]'' :'''Man Ray 2''': ''[shoots his own whole time machine and laughs wickedly]'' I took care of your blasted time machine! ''[laughs again and flies away]'' :'''Man Ray''': Uh! I got to sit down and think this through. :'''Young Mermaid Man''': ''[chains Man Ray]'' Gotta! You've got plenty of time for thinking in the stony lonesome. :'''Man Ray''': I'm sorry, did you say something? I'm still trying to comprehend what just happened here. :'''Young Mermaid Man''': It's pretty simple, really. You were defeated by a convoy of continuum-cruising crime stoppers. Thank you, SpongeBob and Patrick. :'''Four SpongeBobs and Two Patricks''': You're welcome! :'''SpongeBob 6 and Patrick 6''': ''[another time machine which holds seven SpongeBobs and six Patricks comes]'' Oh, hi there! Hello! Hello! Hello! :'''One Other Patrick''': Hey! Oh, I can't believe it! :'''One Other SpongeBob''': We just wanted to come back and revisit the day that evil was defeated forever. :'''SpongeBob 7''': ''[another time machine appears]'' Hey, how you doing? :'''Patrick 7''': We're here. :'''Eighth and Ninth SpongeBobs and Patricks''': ''[two time machines appear]'' Oh, hi there! How you doing? :'''Tenth SpongeBob and Patrick''': Hello! Hello! :'''Even More SpongeBobs and Patricks''': ''[more appear]'' Oh hi there! ''[More and more appear while the episode pans into outer space]'' Hello! Hello! ===''The Bad Guy Club for Villains (XVIII.II)''=== :'''Patrick''': Hey, what happened? Why are those squiggles on the screen? :'''SpongeBob''': Those are called "End Credits", Patrick. :'''Patrick''': End credits? But I don't want it to end! :'''SpongeBob''': That's why Neptune gave us the rewind button! ''[pushes a button]'' :'''Patrick''': Thank you, Neptune! ''[The screen goes back to the beginning and zooms in before the episode ends]'' ==Episode 19== ===''A Day Without Tears (19.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': He was a good little Krabby Patty. [sniffs] I didn't know him well, but in the few short seconds between grill and floor, I--[opens the trash lid and begins crying]--I came to love him! [the patty slowly slides off his spatula and into the trash bin] It just isn't fair! [he cries even louder, soaking and enraging Squidward from the counter window] :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob, will you stop crying?! :'''SpongeBob''': But the Krabby Patty fell on the floor and then he... :'''Squidward''': Krabby Patty nothing! :'''SpongeBob''': I-- :'''Squidward''': ''[shouting]'' ''KRABBY PATTY '''NOTHING!!!!''''' ''[breathes heavily. SpongeBob whimpers]'' What now? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[stifled]'' You yelled at me... ''[wailing]'' '''YOU YELLED AT ME!!!!!!!''''' ''[continues sobbing]'' :'''Squidward''': All right, look. So far today, and it's not even 2:00 yet, you have cried 43 times. :'''SpongeBob''': And you wrote that number on a chalkboard. :'''Squidward''': Yes! :'''SpongeBob''': Why? :'''Squidward''': [pauses for a second] I have no idea. :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, Squidward, there's no way I cry that much. There's not that many tears in my brain. :'''Squidward''': Au contraire. [turns on a TV] :'''SpongeBob''': What's this? :'''Squidward''': It's a quick montage of flashbacks I've edited together that shows the hundreds of tears you have cried over the years. :''[the video begins to play, showing SpongeBob crying in the Krusty Krab, in a grocery store, at Mrs. Puff's Boating School, in Jellyfish Fields, in the bathroom, and more like near a bus stop for no reason]'' :'''SpongeBob''': [in the video] Boo! Hoo! Boohoo! Sob. Whimper. :'''Narrator''': Thousands of tears later... :''[SpongeBob continues to watch himself crying in the video]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Wow, guess I do cry a lot. I promise I won't cry anymore. :'''Squidward''': Oh, nonsense! I bet you can't go the rest of the day without crying. :'''SpongeBob''': [realizes something] Excuse me a minute. [he walks up to a rotary telephone and dials it, Patrick appears lazily sitting on his couch when his own phone rings] :'''Patrick''': [answers it] Star... residence. Patrick speaking. :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Patrick. :'''Patrick''': Hey, buddy! Is it 7:30 already? :'''SpongeBob''': No, I'm still at work. :'''Patrick''': How can I help you? :'''SpongeBob''': Do you think that I could go the rest of the day without crying? :'''Patrick''': [mouth full with popcorn] Well, of course you can. :'''SpongeBob''': Okay, great, thanks, Patrick. :'''Patrick''': Umm... sure. And did you remember to put that package outside where I told you? :'''SpongeBob''': Yeah, but I left it in a different spot. Just ask Gary, he knows where it is. :'''Patrick''': Oh, yeah. [laughs with his mouth full] Hey, good one, buddy. You almost had me there. :'''SpongeBob''': [chuckles] Okay. :'''Patrick''': Yeah, talk to you later. :'''SpongeBob''': All right, see ya. [hangs up, then walks back up to Squidward] Okay, it's a bet. :'''Squidward''': [shakes SpongeBob's hand] Fine. If you cry one tear before midnight, you have to... [thinks] Wash my bike, clean out my rain gutters, and do all my yard work for a year. :'''SpongeBob''': Sounds fair to me. And if I make it to midnight without crying, you'll come to a slumber party at my place. Just you and me. [Squidward retches and swallows] Ooh, what's the matter? :'''Squidward''': Um, nothing, I just threw up a little in my mouth. [begins talking in his thoughts] No need to worry, Squiddy. You've outdone yourself. He'll be crying in ten minutes. ===''Summer Job (19.2)''=== ==Episode 20== ===''One Coarse Meal (20.1)''=== :'''Karen''': My triumphant husband returns. How'd you fail this time? :'''Plankton''': Krabs had a whale! :'''Karen''': You mean his big, bad, scary teenage daughter? :'''Plankton''': I hear that mocking tone in your voice, Karen, and I don't appreciate it! Don't you remember what happened to my ancestors at the hands of those beasts?! :''[Plankton's family is shown being eaten by a whale]'' :'''Karen''': Okay, when you need a break from your delusional paranoia, the trash needs some attention. It's ripened. <hr width=50%> :'''Plankton''': ''[crying]'' What's the point of going on? I'll just be tortured for the rest of my life by that whale! ''[lies down]'' That's it. I'm done. The 4:15 bus should be along any time now. :'''SpongeBob''': Hi, Plankton. What are you doing laying in the middle of the road? :'''Plankton''': Go away, Cheese head! Can't you see I'm trying to get run over?! In fact, better yet, just step on me as hard as you can. Would you do that for me? :'''SpongeBob''': I'm sorry, Plankton, but that flies in the face of my good nature. :'''Plankton''': Forget it, kid. I'll just wait for the next bus. Go on back to the Krusty Krab and enjoy yourself. ===''Gary In Love (20.2)''=== ==Episode 21== ===''The Play's the Thing (21.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Squidward, no! Those patties aren't fit for public consumption! :'''Squidward''': Here, enjoy! <hr width=60%> :'''SpongeBob''': ''[tries not to cry]'' Bless you all. :'''Patrick''': I like throwing food. ''[chucks a burnt Krabby Patty at SpongeBob]'' :'''SpongeBob''': OW!! :'''All''': ''FOOD FIGHT!!!!'' <hr width=60%> :'''Squidward''': AAAAAHH!!! :'''Patrick''': Haw haw! Ah haw haw! ''[hurls an anchor]'' ===''Rodeo Daze (21.2)''=== ==External links== {{Wikipedia|SpongeBob SquarePants (season 7)}} [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants seasons]] [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]] rt710kfojwbbjcd4v09cgx8adqj3a4k 3158031 3158007 2022-08-26T00:41:00Z 67.241.180.73 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 1|1]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 2|2]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 3|3]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 4|4]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 5|5]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 6|6]] '''7''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 8|8]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 9|9]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 10|10]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 11|11]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 12|12]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 13|13]] ([[SpongeBob SquarePants|Main]]) | '''Movies''': [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water|Sponge Out of Water]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run|Sponge on the Run]] | '''Spin-offs:''' [[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years|Kamp Koral]] / [[The Patrick Star Show]] ---- <br> '''''[[w:SpongeBob_SquarePants|SpongeBob SquarePants]]''''' (1999-) is an animated TV series, airing on Nickelodeon about the adventures and endeavors of the title character and his various friends in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom. It spawned [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie|a movie]], followed by several short films, and video games. ==Cast== *Tom Kenny as SpongeBob, Snooty Narrator, TV Voice, Narrator, Chopped Liver, Cop #1, Squidward's House, Jellyfish, Carney Fish #1, Fish #2, Fish #40, Fish #47, Fish #83, Gary, Worker Fish, Customer #5, Cod Darringer, Hans, Cop, Trash Fish, Fish #107, Cowboy, Mail Fish, Bellboy, Crab #1, Beuford, Customer (male), Fish #64, Fish #37a, Director, Cop, Scotsman, Reporter, Man, Mayor, Jellyfish, Dirty Bubble, Pyrite Panderer, Hand Creature, Professor Magma, Snail #13, Cop *Bill Fagerbakke as Patrick, TV Producer, Fish #1, Customer #2, Health Inspector, Assistant, Fish #105, Fish #107, Fax Machine, Dad Fish *Rodger Bumpass as Squidward, Leftover, Fish #107, Customer #3, Announcer, Chintzy McGee, KK Customer, Fish #41 *Clancy Brown as Mr. Krabs, Carney Fish #2, Fish #83, Customer #1, Dad, Giant Bell Hop, Customer, Eagle Head, Ranger, Fish #83 *Mr. Lawrence as Plankton, Larry the Lobster, Customer #1, Citizen Fish #45, TV Narrator, Sinister Slug *Carolyn Lawrence as Sandy *Dee Bradley Baker as Zeus, Squilliam, Cop, Worker, Newscaster, Billy, Boss, Director, Cloaked One, Boy Fish, Crab #2, Host, Atomic Flounder, Jumbo Shrimp, Elastic Waist Band, Radio DJ, Anchor Fish, Kid Fish *Lori Alan as Pearl, Grandma *Jill Talley as Twin #1, Twin #2, Karen, Fish #48, Fish #49, Customer #4, Fish #157, Mom, Gramma *Sirena Irwin as Agent Fish, Actress, Reporter, Kid Fish, Fortune Teller, Fish #46, Miss Appear *Mary Jo Catlett as Mrs. Puff *Chiba as Kitten *Brian Dolye Murray as Flying Dutchman *Bob Joles as Man Ray *Ernest Borgnine as Mermaid Man *Tim Conway as Barnacle Boy *Adam West as Young Mermaid Man *Burt Ward as Young Barnacle Boy ==Episode 1== ==="Pet or Pests" (1.1)=== :''[Mrs. Wormley and Gary are growling each other again.]'' :'''Patrick''': It looks like they're still not getting used to each other. :'''SpongeBob''': Well, these things take time. :''[Gary and Mrs. Wormsley start fighting again. SpongeBob and Patrick see the fight and they run and hide in SpongeBob's bed]'' :'''SpongeBob and Patrick''': Duck and Cover! :''[the fighting still continues outside of conch street]'' :'''Patrick''': This town is getting too rough for me. :'''SpongeBob''': He's chased her away! Now, who will care for her abandoned newborn infants? :'''Patrick''': Maybe you could take care of them. :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, no way Patrick. I've never seen Gary that upset. ==="Komputer Overload" (1.2)=== ==Episode 2== ==="Gullible Pants" (2.1)=== ==="Overbooked" (2.2)=== ==Episode 3== ==="No Hat for Pat" (3.1)=== :'''Frankie Billy''': That guy still flopping? :'''Frank''': Yeah! Amazing, isn't it? :'''Frankie Billy''': Doesn't that get old? :'''Harold''': He's got a point. :'''Frank''': Yeah. You've seen enough? :'''Harold''': Yeah, let's get out of here. [He, Frank, and another customer throw their food on the floor and leave] :'''Frankie Billy''': Me, too. I'm out. [He throws his food on the floor and leaves like everybody else] :'''Mr. Krabs''': What? Wait! Don't go! Why ya leaving? :'''Harold''': This guy's act is stale! We crave excitement! [all the other customers argue] :'''Mr. Krabs''': Okay, Okay! You want excitement? What if I added a box? [puts Patrick on a box as he falls from it] Huh? Huh? :'''Frankie Billy''': Sort of the same, really. :'''Frank''': Yeah. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Oh, okay, so what if he flopped from two boxes...? [adds another box, but the customers are still bored] ...into a cream pie? [puts a cream pie in place] :'''Patrick''': I like pie. :'''Frankie Billy''': Say now. :'''Frank''': That, I'd pay to see! ==="Toy Store of Doom" (3.2)=== ==Episode 4== ==="Sand Castles in the Sand" (4.1)=== :'''SpongeBob''': [Floating gently down] All is fair in love and war my friend slash enemy, or should I say, my friend-enemy!? [presses a sand button where a jet fighter resembling an [[w: General Dynamics F-16 Fighting Falcon|F-16]] hovers in midair until SpongeBob lands in the cockpit. It then starts chasing Patrick's robot head] Let's have some real fun! [Presses a button that launches two missiles that fly towards Patrick. Patrick screams as he turns his robot head away from the missiles] ==="Shell Shocked" (4.2)=== ==Episode 5== ==="Chum Bucket Supreme" (5.1)=== :'''Mini Brain Patrick 1''': Forget about what that word means! There's a fire breaking out in the language lobes! :'''Mini Brain Patrick 2''': We need to get outta here! ''[Mini Brain Patrick 3 pushes on a door with signs saying "PULL TO OPEN"]'' :'''Mini Brain Patrick 3''': The door's jammed! :'''Mini Brain Patrick 2''': Push harder! ''[all Mini Brain Patricks start moaning and coughing]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Karen''': Don't look now, but I think your catchy slogan days are numbered. :'''Nat''': ''[barfs on floor]'' Something's not right. :'''Pilar''': Yeah, I know, I keep sayin' "Chum is Fum" but it's...ehh...it's just not working. :'''Nat''': I'm outta here. ''[throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]'' :'''Pilar''': ''[also throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]'' :'''Plankton''': ''[To Patrick who is sleeping]'' Patrick! :'''Patrick''': ''[Wakes up]'' Huh? :'''Plankton''': We're having a board meeting here! We need ideas! :'''Patrick''': ''[Examining a line graph whose line ends in a toilet]'' Hmmmm...mmmhmmm...uh-huh. I think I see the problem. Your potty has a shocky thing in it! :'''Plankton''': ''[Annoyed]'' '''NO!''' That's not ''it'' you '''FOOL'''! We need a new slogan! You need to come up with a new genius catchphrase like ''Chum is Fum!'' But ''different''. :'''Patrick''': Oh gotcha. Hmmmm. ''[Cut to Chum Bucket, whose slogan has been switched to "Fum is Chum!"]'' :'''Nat''': I'm so happy that they changed that old tired slogan "Chum is Fum"! :'''Pilar''': Yeah that new slogan, "Fum is Chum" is way cooler! :'''Nat''': Way cooler! :'''Patrick''': Excuse me, sir. [hands resignation slip] My resignation. [shows picture of himself in a [[w:fighter aircraft|fighter plane]] shooting bullets] ==="Single Cell Anniversary" (5.2)=== :'''Plankton''': ''[singing]'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''Put down those punch cards,'' ::''Put down those punch cards,'' ::''And listen to my ode.'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''What compares to,'' ::''What compares to...'' ::''Ehhhh, um, eeh... AH-HA!'' ::''Your beautiful diodes?'' ::''(Instrumental break)'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''I was blinded, yes, I was blinded,'' ::''I was blinded by the light of your cathode ray.'' ::''Oh, I built you, yes, I built you,'' ::''I built you in the - ehhh... erm...'' ::''In the shape of a cube!'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''You'll never know how much I love your vacuum tubes!'' ==[[w:Truth or Square|"Truth or Square" (Episodes 6–7)]]== :'''SpongeBob''': Can you believe it's been eleventy seven years already? :''[Gary meows angrily]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[gasps]'' Watch the potty mouth, Gar! ==Episode 8== ==="Pineapple Fever" (8.1)=== :'''Squidward''': WHOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOO!!!! SO LONG, SUCKERS!!!! ''(falling)'' Oof! Oh, curse you, Preflumster! OOF! OH, <big>'''''CURSE YOU PREFLUMSTER!!!!'''''</big> ==="Chum Caverns" (8.2)=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': Satisfied with yourself, Plankton! Now you've trapped us all underground! :'''Fish #5''': But at least we're trapped in a good restaurant! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Capturing customers! I should've though of it sooner, but without Squidward, I need someone to work the register. ''[Cut to Plankton and a cave creature working the register. The creature raises its whip]'' :'''Cave Dweller #2''': '''AAUUGGHHH!!!''' ==[[w:The Clash of Triton|"The Clash of Triton" (Episode 9)]]== :'''Sadie''': Did you hear that? Neptune said it was all because of ''that'' guy! ''[citizens with torches, pitchforks, splinters, and other weapons form a mob with the damaged city in the background]'' :'''Policeman''': He ''did'', did he? :'''Patrick''': Uh... SpongeBob? :'''SpongeBob''': Yes, Patrick? :'''Patrick''': Do you think now's a good time to get those Triple Gooberry Sundays you were talking about? :'''SpongeBob''': I think now would be an excellent time, yes. (But let's run first and see if we can lose the mob.) ''[the episode ends with he and Patrick screaming whilst getting chased by the angry mob]'' ==Episode 10== ===''Tentacle-Vision (10.1)''=== :'''Patrick''': ''[laughing]'' My shorts are wet! <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Patrick, just how dumb ''are'' you? :'''Patrick''': It varies. ===''I love Dancing (10.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': ''[upon seeing SpongeBob dancing]'' That is the stupidest dance I've ever seen. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[to Squidward]'' Who put you on the planet? ---- :'''Twin Sisters''': [singing] We're tiny, we're cuddly, we're bubbly, wubbly, huggly! :'''Talent Agent''': That was very cute, girls! ''[then annoyed]'' In fact, it's ''too'' cute. You're out. :'''Twin Sisters''': I told you it was a stupid idea... and I hate you, too! ==Episode 11== ===''Growth Spout (11.1)''=== :'''Cracker''': What am I, chopped liver? :'''Offscreen voice''': No, that's what ''I'' am. ''[zoom out showing a jar of chopped liver]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Mrs. Puff''': ''[in her sleep]'' Must...protect garden. <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward's house''': Oh, well. I needed to lose a little weight anyway. ===''Stuck in the Wringer (11.2)''=== ==Episode 12== ===''Someone's in the Kitchen with Sandy (12.1)''=== ===''The Inside Job (12.2)''=== :''[Plankton unplugs SpongeBob's ear drum]'' :'''Plankton''': Let me see what I can tune in here. Hmm. :'''Mr. Krabs''': The secret of the Krabby Patty formula is-- :'''Plankton''': Jackpot! :'''Spongebob''': Huh? :'''Mr, Krabs''': I said-- :'''SpongeBob''': Could you speak a little louder, please? :'''Mr. Krabs''': The secret to the Krabby Patty formula-- :'''SpongeBob''': What? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Hold on. :'''Plankton''': Here it comes! :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[shouting into a megaphone] <big>'''THE SECRET TO THE KRABBY PATTY FORMULA IS...!'''</big> [The shouting causes Plankton's ears to pop]'' :'''Plankton''': OW!!! I hate my life! <hr width=50%> :'''Plankton''': Enough with these petty carnal senses. If I'm going to get the Krabby Patty recipe...''[he arrives at...]'' The brain! :''[Snickering evily, he sticks one end of the mind connector to the brain and absorbs some of it]'' :'''Plankton''': Hi, friend! [he gasps as he saw "Superficial Greetings" on the brain] "Superficial Greetings"? What kind of idiot...? ''[sees the parts of the brain]'' --"Personal Opinions"? "Knock-knock Jokes"?! No, no, no, no! This is all useless! ==Episode 13== ===''Greasy Buffoons (13.1)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs/Plankton''': Oh, no! Did somebody call the Health inspector? :'''Health inspector''': Did somebody call a... Health inspector? ===''Model Sponge (13.2)''=== ==Episode 14== ===''Keep Bikini Bottom Beautiful (14.1)''=== ===''A Pal for Gary (14.2)''=== :''[Spongebob sees little puffy fish being sold by a peddler, and becomes enticed by them and decides to get one of them for Gary] :'''SpongeBob''': I'll take that one right there! :'''Store Owner''': You wish to have one of my rare and extremely dangerous... huh? :'''SpongeBob''': Oh yeah this is the one. ''[picks one of them]'' :'''Store Owner''': Beware, boy, this is no ordinary pet! :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, Gary's gonna be so happy! :'''Store Owner''': You ''must'' understand. These pets can be ''very'' unstable. especially around other pets! :''[She proves this by showing a picture of a cat next to another puffy fish, who snarls at it.]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[obliviously]'' Yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks, bye. ''[he runs off]'' :'''Store Owner''': Why bother? They never listen. <hr width=50%> :'''Spongebob''': Ahh. I can rest so peacefully, now that Gary's got a good pal they could play with. :''[Just as he goes to sleep, Gary bursts through the door, scared and meowing in alarm, causing him to wake up with a start.]'' :'''Spongebob''': Gary! Shame on you! ''[takes Gary back in the living room]'' Puffy Fluffy is perfectly harmless. ''[he takes the blanket off, revealing what he thinks is normal Puffy Fluffy]'' See there he is fast asleep. Now will you let me sleep, Gary, please? [sets Gary back on a small green bed and covers him with a small blanket] Good night. ''[goes back to bed]'' <hr width=50%> :''[After Spongebob wakes up and notices the damage to the house, thanks to Puffy Fluffy]'' :'''Spongebob''': Huh? What's this? Must have been a sea quake last night. Oh well, what are you gonna do? ''[opens the galley door which falls over]'' That's unusual. WHOA!! [sees the library which is a total wreck] My library! ''[gasps]'' And my prized memoirs of T.S. Halibut! ''[gasps]'' My clothes! [picks up his torn pants] This was no random sea quake, Who could have done this? Why, there was no one here except... ''[mistakenly realizes something]'' ...Gary. I bet he's jealous about the new friend! ==Episode 15== ===''Yours, Mine and Mine (15.1)''=== :'''Patrick''': Uh, I'm not home right now! Please leave a message! Beeeep... :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick, it's me! SpongeBob! It's my turn to play with the toy! :'''Patrick''': I can't go out! I just washed my hair! :'''SpongeBob''': You don't have any h-come out, Patrick! It's MY turn!! :'''Patrick''': Got any ID? :'''SpongeBob''': I have my milkshake dispenser operator license. :'''Patrick''': ''[looks at it]'' Looks fake to me pal! Bye-Bye now! :'''SpongeBob''': Well, I guess I had best be going! ''[Pretends to walk away]'' I'm walking away...Here I go... ''[quietly]'' I'm gone now! ''[hides on Patrick's antenna]'' :'''Patrick''': You sure? :'''SpongeBob''': I'm sure! ''[Patrick comes out, he jumps at him]'' Hi, Patrick! Time to ''SHARE!'' :'''Patrick''': DECEIVER! You didn't leave at all!! :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, and you were washing your hair!?! :'''Patrick''': I was too, See? ''[shows his armpit hair]'' <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': [Surprised] Gary was so right about you! You're a non-sharer! :'''Patrick''': Gary said that? You're off my friend list, Gary!! :'''Gary''': Meow. [turns and slithers back into SpongeBob's house] :'''SpongeBob''': Hand it over, Patrick! ''I'' get to play with the Patty Pal today! :'''Patrick''': You can't take it, It's not fair! :'''SpongeBob''': How about I take it for ''half'' a day? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': How about we trade off every ''hour''? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': Every ''half'' hour? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': Every ''fifteen minutes''? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': ''Five'' minutes? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': ''One'' minute? :'''Patrick''': N-n-no! :'''SpongeBob''': Okay then, for our final offer we trade off every ''second!'' :''[They pass Patty Pal back and fourth every second]'' :'''Patrick''': One. :'''SpongeBob''': One. :'''Patrick''': One. :''[Pause, Patrick runs off while SpongeBob tears himself angrily]'' ===''Kracked Krabs (15.2)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs:''': Lad, you're surrounded by stingy wisdom, so try to pick up some pointers. But whatever you do, don't lend anyone money! :'''SpongeBob:''': ''[lending money to another crab]'' 25, 26... ==Episode 16== ===''The Curse of Bikini Bottom (16.1)''=== ===''Squidward in Clarinetland (16.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': Order up, SpongeBob! :''[walk towards SpongeBob]'' :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob! What do you think you're doing? You're supposed to be fry cooking. I told you not to touch my stuff! :'''SpongeBob''': I didn't! I wore protective gloves! And besides, don't you like how classy it look now? :'''Squidward''': Velvet.. :'''SpongeBob''': Now I'd like to stand by and idly chat with you, Squidward, But I must attend to my Krusty Krab duties! In the future, please keep your interruptions to a minimum sir, please! <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Hey, come back! I need my clarinet! Come Back! Where are you? Sponge- :''[bumps into an eagle head]'' :'''Eagle''': I am the keeper of the horned forest, state your business here. :'''Squidward''': uuhh.. I'm.. trying to find my clarinet. :'''Eagle''': ''Your'' clarinet? :'''Squidward:''': Yes, my clarinet! Which I am the proud owner. :''[Eagle laughs]'' :'''Eagle''': A clarinet is not owned. Why don't you tell me why you're really here? :'''Squidward''': You calling me a ''LIAR?!'' :''[Eagle grabs Squidward with his tongue]'' :'''Eagle''': I don't appreciate your tone. :'''Squidward''': I'm sorry I-I-I didn't mean to offend you. :'''Eagle''': This is a sacred place where clarinets live without persecution. You need to learn respect. :'''Squidward''': ''[Eagle squeezed squidward tightly]'' I've learned.. ''[loosely]'' I've learned respect... :'''Eagle''': I don't believe you. :''[Swallows Squidward and he ends up in the stomach, Squidward sees SpongeBob]'' ==''[[w:SpongeBob's Last Stand|SpongeBob's Last Stand (Episode 17)]]''== :'''SpongeBob''': Okay everyone, say goodbye to the worst thing that's happened to this town since 97 cent stores. :'''Everyone''': YEAH! ''[SpongeBob tries to break the highway with the tractor, but it just stopped]'' :'''Plankton''': Good effort, Spongedope, but you can't tear up my highway, it's indestructible! :'''Larry Lobster''': Not if we have anything to do with it! :'''SpongeBob''': Larry Lobster! :'''Larry Lobster''': That's right, pal, but that's not all. ''[Sandy walks out from the crowd, waving]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Sandy Squirrel! ''[Mrs. Puff walks out of the crowd]'' Mrs. Puff! ''[Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy both walk out from the crowd]'' Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy! ''[Patrick walks walk out from the crowd]'' Patrick! :'''Patrick''': Su-Su-Su-Su! :'''SpongeBob''': And Squidward! ''[Squidward doesn't walk out from the crowd]'' :'''Fish 3''': Nope, that's everybody! :'''Larry Lobster''': Push! ''[He, Patrick, Mrs. Puff, Mermaid Man, Barnacle Boy and Sandy push]'' Harder!!!!! ''[They push harder]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Harder still! :'''Fish 3''': You heard the little square guy, yeah! ''[Everybody lines up behind the tractor and pushes it]'' :'''Plankton''': Wait! I didn't count on all of you working together! ''[Everybody pushes hard enough that the highway breaks!]'' My highway! STOP! YOU CAN'T! ''[Plankton gets crushed by the tractor!]'' :'''Everyone''': YEAH! ''[The arch over the Krusty Krab breaks down in a pile of dust and the smog clears]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': Praise Neptune. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[Singing]'' ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, it's the jellyfishing song!'' :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''SpongeBob''': ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, everyone sing along!'' :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''Everyone''': ''[Singing]'' Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, it's the jellyfishing song! :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''Everyone''': ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly everyone siiiiinnnnggggg!'' ''[The camera zooms out and we cut to the Jellyfish Fields ranger]'' :'''Ranger''': ''[bored voice]'' Everyone sing along. ''[switches the "closed" sign to "open," and then walks away]'' ==Episode XVIII== ===''Back to the Past (XVIII.I)''=== :'''Mermaid Men''': ::'''#2:''' ''[running out of the time machine along with the second Barnacle Boy, Spongebob and Patrick]'' Keep your tongue out of my tarter sauce! ::'''#1:''' Imposters! ::'''#2:''' Who are you calling imposter, imposter? I must prevent our tarter sauce from being eaten by that... ''[pans to Patrick]'' ...That fool! ::'''#1:''' If I want to get near my tarter sauce, I gotta go through me first! ::'''#2:''' I’m gonna make you eat those words! ::'''#1:''' Bring It! ''[gets "slapped"]'' Take this! ''["punches" himself's hair]'' I’ll never let you win! ::'''#2:''' Oh, yes I will! ::'''Young:''' What do you make of this, Barnacle Boy? :'''Young Barnacle Boy''': Tangled Timeline, Mermaid Man. I... :'''Man Ray''': ''[laughs wickedly]'' You old coots provided me the perfect distraction. Now prepare to be disappeared! :'''Young Mermaid Man''': Sounds good on paper, you purveyor of pure evil, but, fortunately, we all know what happens to paper underwater. Barnacle Boy, the tartar sauce. ''[pours tartar sauce on the Second Man Ray]'' :'''Patrick 2''': Wow! I've never eaten that much tartar sauce. :'''Patrick 1''': Yes, you have. :'''Patrick 2''': Well, it sure ain't sittin' right. :'''Man Ray''': ''[laughs wickedly]'' Foolish mools. Once again, your buffoonery has given me victory! ''[blows up the tartar sauce can and laughs wickedly]'' Oh, I'm going to savor this. It's not every day I get to defeat Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy three times over! ''[is about to shoot two SpongeBobs, Patrick, two Old Mermaid Mans and Barnacle Boys but another time machine comes]'' :'''SpongeBob 2''': ''[He along with the second Patrick comes out of the machine]'' Patrick, don’t eat the tartar sauce! :'''Man Ray''': You’re too late! Your fat friend beat you to it. Now, prepare to taste laser! ''[another time machine comes, which it opens, and the third SpongeBob and Patrick are falling, screaming]'' So how... :'''SpongeBob 4''': ''[The time machine door with the fourth SpongeBob and Patrick]'' I told you we had to go back farther! :'''Man Ray''': Uh... ''[Tries to think but another time machine comes]'' :'''Mermaid Man 3''': Up, up, and away! ''[The third Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy jump out and fall to the ground]'' :'''SpongeBob 5''': ''[another time machine opens with the fifth Patrick also]'' Now, Patrick! ''[He along with the fifth Patrick pour tartar sauce on the third Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy and drop the can on them]'' :'''Man Ray''': I can't get my head around this. Where are they all coming from? ''[Man Ray 2's machine comes]'' Another machine? ''[Man Ray 2 comes out]'' :'''Man Ray 2''': ''[shoots his own whole time machine and laughs wickedly]'' I took care of your blasted time machine! ''[laughs again and flies away]'' :'''Man Ray''': Uh! I got to sit down and think this through. :'''Young Mermaid Man''': ''[chains Man Ray]'' Gotta! You've got plenty of time for thinking in the stony lonesome. :'''Man Ray''': I'm sorry, did you say something? I'm still trying to comprehend what just happened here. :'''Young Mermaid Man''': It's pretty simple, really. You were defeated by a convoy of continuum-cruising crime stoppers. Thank you, SpongeBob and Patrick. :'''Four SpongeBobs and Two Patricks''': You're welcome! :'''SpongeBob 6 and Patrick 6''': ''[another time machine which holds seven SpongeBobs and six Patricks comes]'' Oh, hi there! Hello! Hello! Hello! :'''One Other Patrick''': Hey! Oh, I can't believe it! :'''One Other SpongeBob''': We just wanted to come back and revisit the day that evil was defeated forever. :'''SpongeBob 7''': ''[another time machine appears]'' Hey, how you doing? :'''Patrick 7''': We're here. :'''Eighth and Ninth SpongeBobs and Patricks''': ''[two time machines appear]'' Oh, hi there! How you doing? :'''Tenth SpongeBob and Patrick''': Hello! Hello! :'''Even More SpongeBobs and Patricks''': ''[more appear]'' Oh hi there! ''[More and more appear while the episode pans into outer space]'' Hello! Hello! ===''The Bad Guy Club for Villains (XVIII.II)''=== :'''Patrick''': Hey, what happened? Why are those squiggles on the screen? :'''SpongeBob''': Those are called "End Credits", Patrick. :'''Patrick''': End credits? But I don't want it to end! :'''SpongeBob''': That's why Neptune gave us the rewind button! ''[pushes a button]'' :'''Patrick''': Thank you, Neptune! ''[The screen goes back to the beginning and zooms in before the episode ends]'' ==Episode 19== ===''A Day Without Tears (19.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': He was a good little Krabby Patty. [sniffs] I didn't know him well, but in the few short seconds between grill and floor, I--[opens the trash lid and begins crying]--I came to love him! [the patty slowly slides off his spatula and into the trash bin] It just isn't fair! [he cries even louder, soaking and enraging Squidward from the counter window] :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob, will you stop crying?! :'''SpongeBob''': But the Krabby Patty fell on the floor and then he... :'''Squidward''': Krabby Patty nothing! :'''SpongeBob''': I-- :'''Squidward''': ''[shouting]'' ''KRABBY PATTY '''NOTHING!!!!''''' ''[breathes heavily. SpongeBob whimpers]'' What now? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[stifled]'' You yelled at me... ''[wailing]'' '''YOU YELLED AT ME!!!!!!!''''' ''[continues sobbing]'' :'''Squidward''': All right, look. So far today, and it's not even 2:00 yet, you have cried 43 times. :'''SpongeBob''': And you wrote that number on a chalkboard. :'''Squidward''': Yes! :'''SpongeBob''': Why? :'''Squidward''': [pauses for a second] I have no idea. :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, Squidward, there's no way I cry that much. There's not that many tears in my brain. :'''Squidward''': Au contraire. [turns on a TV] :'''SpongeBob''': What's this? :'''Squidward''': It's a quick montage of flashbacks I've edited together that shows the hundreds of tears you have cried over the years. :''[the video begins to play, showing SpongeBob crying in the Krusty Krab, in a grocery store, at Mrs. Puff's Boating School, in Jellyfish Fields, in the bathroom, and more like near a bus stop for no reason]'' :'''SpongeBob''': [in the video] Boo! Hoo! Boohoo! Sob. Whimper. :'''Narrator''': Thousands of tears later... :''[SpongeBob continues to watch himself crying in the video]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Wow, guess I do cry a lot. I promise I won't cry anymore. :'''Squidward''': Oh, nonsense! I bet you can't go the rest of the day without crying. :'''SpongeBob''': [realizes something] Excuse me a minute. [he walks up to a rotary telephone and dials it, Patrick appears lazily sitting on his couch when his own phone rings] :'''Patrick''': [answers it] Star... residence. Patrick speaking. :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Patrick. :'''Patrick''': Hey, buddy! Is it 7:30 already? :'''SpongeBob''': No, I'm still at work. :'''Patrick''': How can I help you? :'''SpongeBob''': Do you think that I could go the rest of the day without crying? :'''Patrick''': [mouth full with popcorn] Well, of course you can. :'''SpongeBob''': Okay, great, thanks, Patrick. :'''Patrick''': Umm... sure. And did you remember to put that package outside where I told you? :'''SpongeBob''': Yeah, but I left it in a different spot. Just ask Gary, he knows where it is. :'''Patrick''': Oh, yeah. [laughs with his mouth full] Hey, good one, buddy. You almost had me there. :'''SpongeBob''': [chuckles] Okay. :'''Patrick''': Yeah, talk to you later. :'''SpongeBob''': All right, see ya. [hangs up, then walks back up to Squidward] Okay, it's a bet. :'''Squidward''': [shakes SpongeBob's hand] Fine. If you cry one tear before midnight, you have to... [thinks] Wash my bike, clean out my rain gutters, and do all my yard work for a year. :'''SpongeBob''': Sounds fair to me. And if I make it to midnight without crying, you'll come to a slumber party at my place. Just you and me. [Squidward retches and swallows] Ooh, what's the matter? :'''Squidward''': Um, nothing, I just threw up a little in my mouth. [begins talking in his thoughts] No need to worry, Squiddy. You've outdone yourself. He'll be crying in ten minutes. ===''Summer Job (19.2)''=== ==Episode 20== ===''One Coarse Meal (20.1)''=== :'''Karen''': My triumphant husband returns. How'd you fail this time? :'''Plankton''': Krabs had a whale! :'''Karen''': You mean his big, bad, scary teenage daughter? :'''Plankton''': I hear that mocking tone in your voice, Karen, and I don't appreciate it! Don't you remember what happened to my ancestors at the hands of those beasts?! :''[Plankton's family is shown being eaten by a whale]'' :'''Karen''': Okay, when you need a break from your delusional paranoia, the trash needs some attention. It's ripened. <hr width=50%> :'''Plankton''': ''[crying]'' What's the point of going on? I'll just be tortured for the rest of my life by that whale! ''[lies down]'' That's it. I'm done. The 4:15 bus should be along any time now. :'''SpongeBob''': Hi, Plankton. What are you doing laying in the middle of the road? :'''Plankton''': Go away, Cheese head! Can't you see I'm trying to get run over?! In fact, better yet, just step on me as hard as you can. Would you do that for me? :'''SpongeBob''': I'm sorry, Plankton, but that flies in the face of my good nature. :'''Plankton''': Forget it, kid. I'll just wait for the next bus. Go on back to the Krusty Krab and enjoy yourself. ===''Gary In Love (20.2)''=== ==Episode 21== ===''The Play's the Thing (21.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Squidward, no! Those patties aren't fit for public consumption! :'''Squidward''': Here, enjoy! <hr width=60%> :'''SpongeBob''': ''[tries not to cry]'' Bless you all. :'''Patrick''': I like throwing food. ''[chucks a burnt Krabby Patty at SpongeBob]'' :'''SpongeBob''': OW!! :'''All''': ''FOOD FIGHT!!!!'' <hr width=60%> :'''Squidward''': AAAAAHH!!! :'''Patrick''': Haw haw! Ah haw haw! ''[hurls an anchor]'' ===''Rodeo Daze (21.2)''=== ==External links== {{Wikipedia|SpongeBob SquarePants (season 7)}} [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants seasons]] [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]] 17vekrea33ipiltyo9ed83ukmps3byd 3158035 3158031 2022-08-26T00:49:51Z 67.241.180.73 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 1|1]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 2|2]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 3|3]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 4|4]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 5|5]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 6|6]] '''7''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 8|8]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 9|9]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 10|10]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 11|11]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 12|12]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 13|13]] ([[SpongeBob SquarePants|Main]]) | '''Movies''': [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water|Sponge Out of Water]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run|Sponge on the Run]] | '''Spin-offs:''' [[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years|Kamp Koral]] / [[The Patrick Star Show]] ---- <br> '''''[[w:SpongeBob_SquarePants|SpongeBob SquarePants]]''''' (1999-) is an animated TV series, airing on Nickelodeon about the adventures and endeavors of the title character and his various friends in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom. It spawned [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie|a movie]], followed by several short films, and video games. ==Cast== *Tom Kenny as SpongeBob, Snooty Narrator, TV Voice, Narrator, Chopped Liver, Cop #1, Squidward's House, Jellyfish, Carney Fish #1, Fish #2, Fish #40, Fish #47, Fish #83, Gary, Worker Fish, Customer #5, Cod Darringer, Hans, Cop, Trash Fish, Fish #107, Cowboy, Mail Fish, Bellboy, Crab #1, Beuford, Customer (male), Fish #64, Fish #37a, Director, Cop, Scotsman, Reporter, Man, Mayor, Jellyfish, Dirty Bubble, Pyrite Panderer, Hand Creature, Professor Magma, Snail #13, Cop, Brad, Pet Shop Owner, Snail #1, Fish #107, Snail #2, Big Poodle Worm *Bill Fagerbakke as Patrick, TV Producer, Fish #1, Customer #2, Health Inspector, Assistant, Fish #105, Fish #107, Fax Machine, Dad Fish *Rodger Bumpass as Squidward, Leftover, Fish #107, Customer #3, Announcer, Chintzy McGee, KK Customer, Fish #41 *Clancy Brown as Mr. Krabs, Carney Fish #2, Fish #83, Customer #1, Dad, Giant Bell Hop, Customer, Eagle Head, Ranger, Fish #83 *Mr. Lawrence as Plankton, Larry the Lobster, Customer #1, Citizen Fish #45, TV Narrator, Sinister Slug *Carolyn Lawrence as Sandy *Dee Bradley Baker as Zeus, Squilliam, Cop, Worker, Newscaster, Billy, Boss, Director, Cloaked One, Boy Fish, Crab #2, Host, Atomic Flounder, Jumbo Shrimp, Elastic Waist Band, Radio DJ, Anchor Fish, Kid Fish, Pirate #1, Bully Snail, Billy, Baby, Small Poodle Worm *Lori Alan as Pearl, Grandma *Jill Talley as Twin #1, Twin #2, Karen, Fish #48, Fish #49, Customer #4, Fish #157, Mom, Gramma *Sirena Irwin as Agent Fish, Actress, Reporter, Kid Fish, Fortune Teller, Fish #46, Miss Appear, Mary, Monica, Fish #115 *Mary Jo Catlett as Mrs. Puff *Chiba as Kitten *Brian Dolye Murray as Flying Dutchman *Bob Joles as Man Ray *Ernest Borgnine as Mermaid Man *Tim Conway as Barnacle Boy *Adam West as Young Mermaid Man *Burt Ward as Young Barnacle Boy *Paul Tibbitt as Plankton's Granddad ==Episode 1== ==="Pet or Pests" (1.1)=== :''[Mrs. Wormley and Gary are growling each other again.]'' :'''Patrick''': It looks like they're still not getting used to each other. :'''SpongeBob''': Well, these things take time. :''[Gary and Mrs. Wormsley start fighting again. SpongeBob and Patrick see the fight and they run and hide in SpongeBob's bed]'' :'''SpongeBob and Patrick''': Duck and Cover! :''[the fighting still continues outside of conch street]'' :'''Patrick''': This town is getting too rough for me. :'''SpongeBob''': He's chased her away! Now, who will care for her abandoned newborn infants? :'''Patrick''': Maybe you could take care of them. :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, no way Patrick. I've never seen Gary that upset. ==="Komputer Overload" (1.2)=== ==Episode 2== ==="Gullible Pants" (2.1)=== ==="Overbooked" (2.2)=== ==Episode 3== ==="No Hat for Pat" (3.1)=== :'''Frankie Billy''': That guy still flopping? :'''Frank''': Yeah! Amazing, isn't it? :'''Frankie Billy''': Doesn't that get old? :'''Harold''': He's got a point. :'''Frank''': Yeah. You've seen enough? :'''Harold''': Yeah, let's get out of here. [He, Frank, and another customer throw their food on the floor and leave] :'''Frankie Billy''': Me, too. I'm out. [He throws his food on the floor and leaves like everybody else] :'''Mr. Krabs''': What? Wait! Don't go! Why ya leaving? :'''Harold''': This guy's act is stale! We crave excitement! [all the other customers argue] :'''Mr. Krabs''': Okay, Okay! You want excitement? What if I added a box? [puts Patrick on a box as he falls from it] Huh? Huh? :'''Frankie Billy''': Sort of the same, really. :'''Frank''': Yeah. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Oh, okay, so what if he flopped from two boxes...? [adds another box, but the customers are still bored] ...into a cream pie? [puts a cream pie in place] :'''Patrick''': I like pie. :'''Frankie Billy''': Say now. :'''Frank''': That, I'd pay to see! ==="Toy Store of Doom" (3.2)=== ==Episode 4== ==="Sand Castles in the Sand" (4.1)=== :'''SpongeBob''': [Floating gently down] All is fair in love and war my friend slash enemy, or should I say, my friend-enemy!? [presses a sand button where a jet fighter resembling an [[w: General Dynamics F-16 Fighting Falcon|F-16]] hovers in midair until SpongeBob lands in the cockpit. It then starts chasing Patrick's robot head] Let's have some real fun! [Presses a button that launches two missiles that fly towards Patrick. Patrick screams as he turns his robot head away from the missiles] ==="Shell Shocked" (4.2)=== ==Episode 5== ==="Chum Bucket Supreme" (5.1)=== :'''Mini Brain Patrick 1''': Forget about what that word means! There's a fire breaking out in the language lobes! :'''Mini Brain Patrick 2''': We need to get outta here! ''[Mini Brain Patrick 3 pushes on a door with signs saying "PULL TO OPEN"]'' :'''Mini Brain Patrick 3''': The door's jammed! :'''Mini Brain Patrick 2''': Push harder! ''[all Mini Brain Patricks start moaning and coughing]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Karen''': Don't look now, but I think your catchy slogan days are numbered. :'''Nat''': ''[barfs on floor]'' Something's not right. :'''Pilar''': Yeah, I know, I keep sayin' "Chum is Fum" but it's...ehh...it's just not working. :'''Nat''': I'm outta here. ''[throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]'' :'''Pilar''': ''[also throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]'' :'''Plankton''': ''[To Patrick who is sleeping]'' Patrick! :'''Patrick''': ''[Wakes up]'' Huh? :'''Plankton''': We're having a board meeting here! We need ideas! :'''Patrick''': ''[Examining a line graph whose line ends in a toilet]'' Hmmmm...mmmhmmm...uh-huh. I think I see the problem. Your potty has a shocky thing in it! :'''Plankton''': ''[Annoyed]'' '''NO!''' That's not ''it'' you '''FOOL'''! We need a new slogan! You need to come up with a new genius catchphrase like ''Chum is Fum!'' But ''different''. :'''Patrick''': Oh gotcha. Hmmmm. ''[Cut to Chum Bucket, whose slogan has been switched to "Fum is Chum!"]'' :'''Nat''': I'm so happy that they changed that old tired slogan "Chum is Fum"! :'''Pilar''': Yeah that new slogan, "Fum is Chum" is way cooler! :'''Nat''': Way cooler! :'''Patrick''': Excuse me, sir. [hands resignation slip] My resignation. [shows picture of himself in a [[w:fighter aircraft|fighter plane]] shooting bullets] ==="Single Cell Anniversary" (5.2)=== :'''Plankton''': ''[singing]'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''Put down those punch cards,'' ::''Put down those punch cards,'' ::''And listen to my ode.'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''What compares to,'' ::''What compares to...'' ::''Ehhhh, um, eeh... AH-HA!'' ::''Your beautiful diodes?'' ::''(Instrumental break)'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''I was blinded, yes, I was blinded,'' ::''I was blinded by the light of your cathode ray.'' ::''Oh, I built you, yes, I built you,'' ::''I built you in the - ehhh... erm...'' ::''In the shape of a cube!'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''You'll never know how much I love your vacuum tubes!'' ==[[w:Truth or Square|"Truth or Square" (Episodes 6–7)]]== :'''SpongeBob''': Can you believe it's been eleventy seven years already? :''[Gary meows angrily]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[gasps]'' Watch the potty mouth, Gar! ==Episode 8== ==="Pineapple Fever" (8.1)=== :'''Squidward''': WHOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOO!!!! SO LONG, SUCKERS!!!! ''(falling)'' Oof! Oh, curse you, Preflumster! OOF! OH, <big>'''''CURSE YOU PREFLUMSTER!!!!'''''</big> ==="Chum Caverns" (8.2)=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': Satisfied with yourself, Plankton! Now you've trapped us all underground! :'''Fish #5''': But at least we're trapped in a good restaurant! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Capturing customers! I should've though of it sooner, but without Squidward, I need someone to work the register. ''[Cut to Plankton and a cave creature working the register. The creature raises its whip]'' :'''Cave Dweller #2''': '''AAUUGGHHH!!!''' ==[[w:The Clash of Triton|"The Clash of Triton" (Episode 9)]]== :'''Sadie''': Did you hear that? Neptune said it was all because of ''that'' guy! ''[citizens with torches, pitchforks, splinters, and other weapons form a mob with the damaged city in the background]'' :'''Policeman''': He ''did'', did he? :'''Patrick''': Uh... SpongeBob? :'''SpongeBob''': Yes, Patrick? :'''Patrick''': Do you think now's a good time to get those Triple Gooberry Sundays you were talking about? :'''SpongeBob''': I think now would be an excellent time, yes. (But let's run first and see if we can lose the mob.) ''[the episode ends with he and Patrick screaming whilst getting chased by the angry mob]'' ==Episode 10== ===''Tentacle-Vision (10.1)''=== :'''Patrick''': ''[laughing]'' My shorts are wet! <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Patrick, just how dumb ''are'' you? :'''Patrick''': It varies. ===''I love Dancing (10.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': ''[upon seeing SpongeBob dancing]'' That is the stupidest dance I've ever seen. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[to Squidward]'' Who put you on the planet? ---- :'''Twin Sisters''': [singing] We're tiny, we're cuddly, we're bubbly, wubbly, huggly! :'''Talent Agent''': That was very cute, girls! ''[then annoyed]'' In fact, it's ''too'' cute. You're out. :'''Twin Sisters''': I told you it was a stupid idea... and I hate you, too! ==Episode 11== ===''Growth Spout (11.1)''=== :'''Cracker''': What am I, chopped liver? :'''Offscreen voice''': No, that's what ''I'' am. ''[zoom out showing a jar of chopped liver]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Mrs. Puff''': ''[in her sleep]'' Must...protect garden. <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward's house''': Oh, well. I needed to lose a little weight anyway. ===''Stuck in the Wringer (11.2)''=== ==Episode 12== ===''Someone's in the Kitchen with Sandy (12.1)''=== ===''The Inside Job (12.2)''=== :''[Plankton unplugs SpongeBob's ear drum]'' :'''Plankton''': Let me see what I can tune in here. Hmm. :'''Mr. Krabs''': The secret of the Krabby Patty formula is-- :'''Plankton''': Jackpot! :'''Spongebob''': Huh? :'''Mr, Krabs''': I said-- :'''SpongeBob''': Could you speak a little louder, please? :'''Mr. Krabs''': The secret to the Krabby Patty formula-- :'''SpongeBob''': What? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Hold on. :'''Plankton''': Here it comes! :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[shouting into a megaphone] <big>'''THE SECRET TO THE KRABBY PATTY FORMULA IS...!'''</big> [The shouting causes Plankton's ears to pop]'' :'''Plankton''': OW!!! I hate my life! <hr width=50%> :'''Plankton''': Enough with these petty carnal senses. If I'm going to get the Krabby Patty recipe...''[he arrives at...]'' The brain! :''[Snickering evily, he sticks one end of the mind connector to the brain and absorbs some of it]'' :'''Plankton''': Hi, friend! [he gasps as he saw "Superficial Greetings" on the brain] "Superficial Greetings"? What kind of idiot...? ''[sees the parts of the brain]'' --"Personal Opinions"? "Knock-knock Jokes"?! No, no, no, no! This is all useless! ==Episode 13== ===''Greasy Buffoons (13.1)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs/Plankton''': Oh, no! Did somebody call the Health inspector? :'''Health inspector''': Did somebody call a... Health inspector? ===''Model Sponge (13.2)''=== ==Episode 14== ===''Keep Bikini Bottom Beautiful (14.1)''=== ===''A Pal for Gary (14.2)''=== :''[Spongebob sees little puffy fish being sold by a peddler, and becomes enticed by them and decides to get one of them for Gary] :'''SpongeBob''': I'll take that one right there! :'''Store Owner''': You wish to have one of my rare and extremely dangerous... huh? :'''SpongeBob''': Oh yeah this is the one. ''[picks one of them]'' :'''Store Owner''': Beware, boy, this is no ordinary pet! :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, Gary's gonna be so happy! :'''Store Owner''': You ''must'' understand. These pets can be ''very'' unstable. especially around other pets! :''[She proves this by showing a picture of a cat next to another puffy fish, who snarls at it.]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[obliviously]'' Yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks, bye. ''[he runs off]'' :'''Store Owner''': Why bother? They never listen. <hr width=50%> :'''Spongebob''': Ahh. I can rest so peacefully, now that Gary's got a good pal they could play with. :''[Just as he goes to sleep, Gary bursts through the door, scared and meowing in alarm, causing him to wake up with a start.]'' :'''Spongebob''': Gary! Shame on you! ''[takes Gary back in the living room]'' Puffy Fluffy is perfectly harmless. ''[he takes the blanket off, revealing what he thinks is normal Puffy Fluffy]'' See there he is fast asleep. Now will you let me sleep, Gary, please? [sets Gary back on a small green bed and covers him with a small blanket] Good night. ''[goes back to bed]'' <hr width=50%> :''[After Spongebob wakes up and notices the damage to the house, thanks to Puffy Fluffy]'' :'''Spongebob''': Huh? What's this? Must have been a sea quake last night. Oh well, what are you gonna do? ''[opens the galley door which falls over]'' That's unusual. WHOA!! [sees the library which is a total wreck] My library! ''[gasps]'' And my prized memoirs of T.S. Halibut! ''[gasps]'' My clothes! [picks up his torn pants] This was no random sea quake, Who could have done this? Why, there was no one here except... ''[mistakenly realizes something]'' ...Gary. I bet he's jealous about the new friend! ==Episode 15== ===''Yours, Mine and Mine (15.1)''=== :'''Patrick''': Uh, I'm not home right now! Please leave a message! Beeeep... :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick, it's me! SpongeBob! It's my turn to play with the toy! :'''Patrick''': I can't go out! I just washed my hair! :'''SpongeBob''': You don't have any h-come out, Patrick! It's MY turn!! :'''Patrick''': Got any ID? :'''SpongeBob''': I have my milkshake dispenser operator license. :'''Patrick''': ''[looks at it]'' Looks fake to me pal! Bye-Bye now! :'''SpongeBob''': Well, I guess I had best be going! ''[Pretends to walk away]'' I'm walking away...Here I go... ''[quietly]'' I'm gone now! ''[hides on Patrick's antenna]'' :'''Patrick''': You sure? :'''SpongeBob''': I'm sure! ''[Patrick comes out, he jumps at him]'' Hi, Patrick! Time to ''SHARE!'' :'''Patrick''': DECEIVER! You didn't leave at all!! :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, and you were washing your hair!?! :'''Patrick''': I was too, See? ''[shows his armpit hair]'' <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': [Surprised] Gary was so right about you! You're a non-sharer! :'''Patrick''': Gary said that? You're off my friend list, Gary!! :'''Gary''': Meow. [turns and slithers back into SpongeBob's house] :'''SpongeBob''': Hand it over, Patrick! ''I'' get to play with the Patty Pal today! :'''Patrick''': You can't take it, It's not fair! :'''SpongeBob''': How about I take it for ''half'' a day? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': How about we trade off every ''hour''? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': Every ''half'' hour? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': Every ''fifteen minutes''? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': ''Five'' minutes? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': ''One'' minute? :'''Patrick''': N-n-no! :'''SpongeBob''': Okay then, for our final offer we trade off every ''second!'' :''[They pass Patty Pal back and fourth every second]'' :'''Patrick''': One. :'''SpongeBob''': One. :'''Patrick''': One. :''[Pause, Patrick runs off while SpongeBob tears himself angrily]'' ===''Kracked Krabs (15.2)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs:''': Lad, you're surrounded by stingy wisdom, so try to pick up some pointers. But whatever you do, don't lend anyone money! :'''SpongeBob:''': ''[lending money to another crab]'' 25, 26... ==Episode 16== ===''The Curse of Bikini Bottom (16.1)''=== ===''Squidward in Clarinetland (16.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': Order up, SpongeBob! :''[walk towards SpongeBob]'' :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob! What do you think you're doing? You're supposed to be fry cooking. I told you not to touch my stuff! :'''SpongeBob''': I didn't! I wore protective gloves! And besides, don't you like how classy it look now? :'''Squidward''': Velvet.. :'''SpongeBob''': Now I'd like to stand by and idly chat with you, Squidward, But I must attend to my Krusty Krab duties! In the future, please keep your interruptions to a minimum sir, please! <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Hey, come back! I need my clarinet! Come Back! Where are you? Sponge- :''[bumps into an eagle head]'' :'''Eagle''': I am the keeper of the horned forest, state your business here. :'''Squidward''': uuhh.. I'm.. trying to find my clarinet. :'''Eagle''': ''Your'' clarinet? :'''Squidward:''': Yes, my clarinet! Which I am the proud owner. :''[Eagle laughs]'' :'''Eagle''': A clarinet is not owned. Why don't you tell me why you're really here? :'''Squidward''': You calling me a ''LIAR?!'' :''[Eagle grabs Squidward with his tongue]'' :'''Eagle''': I don't appreciate your tone. :'''Squidward''': I'm sorry I-I-I didn't mean to offend you. :'''Eagle''': This is a sacred place where clarinets live without persecution. You need to learn respect. :'''Squidward''': ''[Eagle squeezed squidward tightly]'' I've learned.. ''[loosely]'' I've learned respect... :'''Eagle''': I don't believe you. :''[Swallows Squidward and he ends up in the stomach, Squidward sees SpongeBob]'' ==''[[w:SpongeBob's Last Stand|SpongeBob's Last Stand (Episode 17)]]''== :'''SpongeBob''': Okay everyone, say goodbye to the worst thing that's happened to this town since 97 cent stores. :'''Everyone''': YEAH! ''[SpongeBob tries to break the highway with the tractor, but it just stopped]'' :'''Plankton''': Good effort, Spongedope, but you can't tear up my highway, it's indestructible! :'''Larry Lobster''': Not if we have anything to do with it! :'''SpongeBob''': Larry Lobster! :'''Larry Lobster''': That's right, pal, but that's not all. ''[Sandy walks out from the crowd, waving]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Sandy Squirrel! ''[Mrs. Puff walks out of the crowd]'' Mrs. Puff! ''[Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy both walk out from the crowd]'' Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy! ''[Patrick walks walk out from the crowd]'' Patrick! :'''Patrick''': Su-Su-Su-Su! :'''SpongeBob''': And Squidward! ''[Squidward doesn't walk out from the crowd]'' :'''Fish 3''': Nope, that's everybody! :'''Larry Lobster''': Push! ''[He, Patrick, Mrs. Puff, Mermaid Man, Barnacle Boy and Sandy push]'' Harder!!!!! ''[They push harder]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Harder still! :'''Fish 3''': You heard the little square guy, yeah! ''[Everybody lines up behind the tractor and pushes it]'' :'''Plankton''': Wait! I didn't count on all of you working together! ''[Everybody pushes hard enough that the highway breaks!]'' My highway! STOP! YOU CAN'T! ''[Plankton gets crushed by the tractor!]'' :'''Everyone''': YEAH! ''[The arch over the Krusty Krab breaks down in a pile of dust and the smog clears]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': Praise Neptune. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[Singing]'' ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, it's the jellyfishing song!'' :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''SpongeBob''': ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, everyone sing along!'' :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''Everyone''': ''[Singing]'' Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, it's the jellyfishing song! :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''Everyone''': ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly everyone siiiiinnnnggggg!'' ''[The camera zooms out and we cut to the Jellyfish Fields ranger]'' :'''Ranger''': ''[bored voice]'' Everyone sing along. ''[switches the "closed" sign to "open," and then walks away]'' ==Episode XVIII== ===''Back to the Past (XVIII.I)''=== :'''Mermaid Men''': ::'''#2:''' ''[running out of the time machine along with the second Barnacle Boy, Spongebob and Patrick]'' Keep your tongue out of my tarter sauce! ::'''#1:''' Imposters! ::'''#2:''' Who are you calling imposter, imposter? I must prevent our tarter sauce from being eaten by that... ''[pans to Patrick]'' ...That fool! ::'''#1:''' If I want to get near my tarter sauce, I gotta go through me first! ::'''#2:''' I’m gonna make you eat those words! ::'''#1:''' Bring It! ''[gets "slapped"]'' Take this! ''["punches" himself's hair]'' I’ll never let you win! ::'''#2:''' Oh, yes I will! ::'''Young:''' What do you make of this, Barnacle Boy? :'''Young Barnacle Boy''': Tangled Timeline, Mermaid Man. I... :'''Man Ray''': ''[laughs wickedly]'' You old coots provided me the perfect distraction. Now prepare to be disappeared! :'''Young Mermaid Man''': Sounds good on paper, you purveyor of pure evil, but, fortunately, we all know what happens to paper underwater. Barnacle Boy, the tartar sauce. ''[pours tartar sauce on the Second Man Ray]'' :'''Patrick 2''': Wow! I've never eaten that much tartar sauce. :'''Patrick 1''': Yes, you have. :'''Patrick 2''': Well, it sure ain't sittin' right. :'''Man Ray''': ''[laughs wickedly]'' Foolish mools. Once again, your buffoonery has given me victory! ''[blows up the tartar sauce can and laughs wickedly]'' Oh, I'm going to savor this. It's not every day I get to defeat Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy three times over! ''[is about to shoot two SpongeBobs, Patrick, two Old Mermaid Mans and Barnacle Boys but another time machine comes]'' :'''SpongeBob 2''': ''[He along with the second Patrick comes out of the machine]'' Patrick, don’t eat the tartar sauce! :'''Man Ray''': You’re too late! Your fat friend beat you to it. Now, prepare to taste laser! ''[another time machine comes, which it opens, and the third SpongeBob and Patrick are falling, screaming]'' So how... :'''SpongeBob 4''': ''[The time machine door with the fourth SpongeBob and Patrick]'' I told you we had to go back farther! :'''Man Ray''': Uh... ''[Tries to think but another time machine comes]'' :'''Mermaid Man 3''': Up, up, and away! ''[The third Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy jump out and fall to the ground]'' :'''SpongeBob 5''': ''[another time machine opens with the fifth Patrick also]'' Now, Patrick! ''[He along with the fifth Patrick pour tartar sauce on the third Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy and drop the can on them]'' :'''Man Ray''': I can't get my head around this. Where are they all coming from? ''[Man Ray 2's machine comes]'' Another machine? ''[Man Ray 2 comes out]'' :'''Man Ray 2''': ''[shoots his own whole time machine and laughs wickedly]'' I took care of your blasted time machine! ''[laughs again and flies away]'' :'''Man Ray''': Uh! I got to sit down and think this through. :'''Young Mermaid Man''': ''[chains Man Ray]'' Gotta! You've got plenty of time for thinking in the stony lonesome. :'''Man Ray''': I'm sorry, did you say something? I'm still trying to comprehend what just happened here. :'''Young Mermaid Man''': It's pretty simple, really. You were defeated by a convoy of continuum-cruising crime stoppers. Thank you, SpongeBob and Patrick. :'''Four SpongeBobs and Two Patricks''': You're welcome! :'''SpongeBob 6 and Patrick 6''': ''[another time machine which holds seven SpongeBobs and six Patricks comes]'' Oh, hi there! Hello! Hello! Hello! :'''One Other Patrick''': Hey! Oh, I can't believe it! :'''One Other SpongeBob''': We just wanted to come back and revisit the day that evil was defeated forever. :'''SpongeBob 7''': ''[another time machine appears]'' Hey, how you doing? :'''Patrick 7''': We're here. :'''Eighth and Ninth SpongeBobs and Patricks''': ''[two time machines appear]'' Oh, hi there! How you doing? :'''Tenth SpongeBob and Patrick''': Hello! Hello! :'''Even More SpongeBobs and Patricks''': ''[more appear]'' Oh hi there! ''[More and more appear while the episode pans into outer space]'' Hello! Hello! ===''The Bad Guy Club for Villains (XVIII.II)''=== :'''Patrick''': Hey, what happened? Why are those squiggles on the screen? :'''SpongeBob''': Those are called "End Credits", Patrick. :'''Patrick''': End credits? But I don't want it to end! :'''SpongeBob''': That's why Neptune gave us the rewind button! ''[pushes a button]'' :'''Patrick''': Thank you, Neptune! ''[The screen goes back to the beginning and zooms in before the episode ends]'' ==Episode 19== ===''A Day Without Tears (19.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': He was a good little Krabby Patty. [sniffs] I didn't know him well, but in the few short seconds between grill and floor, I--[opens the trash lid and begins crying]--I came to love him! [the patty slowly slides off his spatula and into the trash bin] It just isn't fair! [he cries even louder, soaking and enraging Squidward from the counter window] :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob, will you stop crying?! :'''SpongeBob''': But the Krabby Patty fell on the floor and then he... :'''Squidward''': Krabby Patty nothing! :'''SpongeBob''': I-- :'''Squidward''': ''[shouting]'' ''KRABBY PATTY '''NOTHING!!!!''''' ''[breathes heavily. SpongeBob whimpers]'' What now? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[stifled]'' You yelled at me... ''[wailing]'' '''YOU YELLED AT ME!!!!!!!''''' ''[continues sobbing]'' :'''Squidward''': All right, look. So far today, and it's not even 2:00 yet, you have cried 43 times. :'''SpongeBob''': And you wrote that number on a chalkboard. :'''Squidward''': Yes! :'''SpongeBob''': Why? :'''Squidward''': [pauses for a second] I have no idea. :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, Squidward, there's no way I cry that much. There's not that many tears in my brain. :'''Squidward''': Au contraire. [turns on a TV] :'''SpongeBob''': What's this? :'''Squidward''': It's a quick montage of flashbacks I've edited together that shows the hundreds of tears you have cried over the years. :''[the video begins to play, showing SpongeBob crying in the Krusty Krab, in a grocery store, at Mrs. Puff's Boating School, in Jellyfish Fields, in the bathroom, and more like near a bus stop for no reason]'' :'''SpongeBob''': [in the video] Boo! Hoo! Boohoo! Sob. Whimper. :'''Narrator''': Thousands of tears later... :''[SpongeBob continues to watch himself crying in the video]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Wow, guess I do cry a lot. I promise I won't cry anymore. :'''Squidward''': Oh, nonsense! I bet you can't go the rest of the day without crying. :'''SpongeBob''': [realizes something] Excuse me a minute. [he walks up to a rotary telephone and dials it, Patrick appears lazily sitting on his couch when his own phone rings] :'''Patrick''': [answers it] Star... residence. Patrick speaking. :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Patrick. :'''Patrick''': Hey, buddy! Is it 7:30 already? :'''SpongeBob''': No, I'm still at work. :'''Patrick''': How can I help you? :'''SpongeBob''': Do you think that I could go the rest of the day without crying? :'''Patrick''': [mouth full with popcorn] Well, of course you can. :'''SpongeBob''': Okay, great, thanks, Patrick. :'''Patrick''': Umm... sure. And did you remember to put that package outside where I told you? :'''SpongeBob''': Yeah, but I left it in a different spot. Just ask Gary, he knows where it is. :'''Patrick''': Oh, yeah. [laughs with his mouth full] Hey, good one, buddy. You almost had me there. :'''SpongeBob''': [chuckles] Okay. :'''Patrick''': Yeah, talk to you later. :'''SpongeBob''': All right, see ya. [hangs up, then walks back up to Squidward] Okay, it's a bet. :'''Squidward''': [shakes SpongeBob's hand] Fine. If you cry one tear before midnight, you have to... [thinks] Wash my bike, clean out my rain gutters, and do all my yard work for a year. :'''SpongeBob''': Sounds fair to me. And if I make it to midnight without crying, you'll come to a slumber party at my place. Just you and me. [Squidward retches and swallows] Ooh, what's the matter? :'''Squidward''': Um, nothing, I just threw up a little in my mouth. [begins talking in his thoughts] No need to worry, Squiddy. You've outdone yourself. He'll be crying in ten minutes. ===''Summer Job (19.2)''=== ==Episode 20== ===''One Coarse Meal (20.1)''=== :'''Karen''': My triumphant husband returns. How'd you fail this time? :'''Plankton''': Krabs had a whale! :'''Karen''': You mean his big, bad, scary teenage daughter? :'''Plankton''': I hear that mocking tone in your voice, Karen, and I don't appreciate it! Don't you remember what happened to my ancestors at the hands of those beasts?! :''[Plankton's family is shown being eaten by a whale]'' :'''Karen''': Okay, when you need a break from your delusional paranoia, the trash needs some attention. It's ripened. <hr width=50%> :'''Plankton''': ''[crying]'' What's the point of going on? I'll just be tortured for the rest of my life by that whale! ''[lies down]'' That's it. I'm done. The 4:15 bus should be along any time now. :'''SpongeBob''': Hi, Plankton. What are you doing laying in the middle of the road? :'''Plankton''': Go away, Cheese head! Can't you see I'm trying to get run over?! In fact, better yet, just step on me as hard as you can. Would you do that for me? :'''SpongeBob''': I'm sorry, Plankton, but that flies in the face of my good nature. :'''Plankton''': Forget it, kid. I'll just wait for the next bus. Go on back to the Krusty Krab and enjoy yourself. ===''Gary In Love (20.2)''=== ==Episode 21== ===''The Play's the Thing (21.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Squidward, no! Those patties aren't fit for public consumption! :'''Squidward''': Here, enjoy! <hr width=60%> :'''SpongeBob''': ''[tries not to cry]'' Bless you all. :'''Patrick''': I like throwing food. ''[chucks a burnt Krabby Patty at SpongeBob]'' :'''SpongeBob''': OW!! :'''All''': ''FOOD FIGHT!!!!'' <hr width=60%> :'''Squidward''': AAAAAHH!!! :'''Patrick''': Haw haw! Ah haw haw! ''[hurls an anchor]'' ===''Rodeo Daze (21.2)''=== ==External links== {{Wikipedia|SpongeBob SquarePants (season 7)}} [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants seasons]] [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]] qlf15k66w3e2uvfhvyw0soi2w43xu0m 3158037 3158035 2022-08-26T00:53:23Z 67.241.180.73 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 1|1]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 2|2]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 3|3]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 4|4]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 5|5]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 6|6]] '''7''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 8|8]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 9|9]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 10|10]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 11|11]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 12|12]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 13|13]] ([[SpongeBob SquarePants|Main]]) | '''Movies''': [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water|Sponge Out of Water]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run|Sponge on the Run]] | '''Spin-offs:''' [[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years|Kamp Koral]] / [[The Patrick Star Show]] ---- <br> '''''[[w:SpongeBob_SquarePants|SpongeBob SquarePants]]''''' (1999-) is an animated TV series, airing on Nickelodeon about the adventures and endeavors of the title character and his various friends in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom. It spawned [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie|a movie]], followed by several short films, and video games. ==Cast== *Tom Kenny as SpongeBob, Snooty Narrator, TV Voice, Narrator, Chopped Liver, Cop #1, Squidward's House, Jellyfish, Carney Fish #1, Fish #2, Fish #40, Fish #47, Fish #83, Gary, Worker Fish, Customer #5, Cod Darringer, Hans, Cop, Trash Fish, Fish #107, Cowboy, Mail Fish, Bellboy, Crab #1, Beuford, Customer (male), Fish #64, Fish #37a, Director, Cop, Scotsman, Reporter, Man, Mayor, Jellyfish, Dirty Bubble, Pyrite Panderer, Hand Creature, Professor Magma, Snail #13, Cop, Brad, Pet Shop Owner, Snail #1, Fish #107, Snail #2, Big Poodle Worm, Fish #41, Fish #40 *Bill Fagerbakke as Patrick, TV Producer, Fish #1, Customer #2, Health Inspector, Assistant, Fish #105, Fish #107, Fax Machine, Dad Fish *Rodger Bumpass as Squidward, Leftover, Fish #107, Customer #3, Announcer, Chintzy McGee, KK Customer, Fish #41, Mailman *Clancy Brown as Mr. Krabs, Carney Fish #2, Fish #83, Customer #1, Dad, Giant Bell Hop, Customer, Eagle Head, Ranger, Fish #83, Fish #49 *Mr. Lawrence as Plankton, Larry the Lobster, Customer #1, Citizen Fish #45, TV Narrator, Sinister Slug *Carolyn Lawrence as Sandy *Dee Bradley Baker as Zeus, Squilliam, Cop, Worker, Newscaster, Billy, Boss, Director, Cloaked One, Boy Fish, Crab #2, Host, Atomic Flounder, Jumbo Shrimp, Elastic Waist Band, Radio DJ, Anchor Fish, Kid Fish, Pirate #1, Bully Snail, Billy, Baby, Small Poodle Worm, Fish #107, Fish #42, Fish #60 *Lori Alan as Pearl, Grandma *Jill Talley as Twin #1, Twin #2, Karen, Fish #48, Fish #49, Customer #4, Fish #157, Mom, Gramma *Sirena Irwin as Agent Fish, Actress, Reporter, Kid Fish, Fortune Teller, Fish #46, Miss Appear, Mary, Monica, Fish #115 *Mary Jo Catlett as Mrs. Puff *Chiba as Kitten *Brian Dolye Murray as Flying Dutchman *Bob Joles as Man Ray *Ernest Borgnine as Mermaid Man *Tim Conway as Barnacle Boy *Adam West as Young Mermaid Man *Burt Ward as Young Barnacle Boy *Paul Tibbitt as Plankton's Granddad ==Episode 1== ==="Pet or Pests" (1.1)=== :''[Mrs. Wormley and Gary are growling each other again.]'' :'''Patrick''': It looks like they're still not getting used to each other. :'''SpongeBob''': Well, these things take time. :''[Gary and Mrs. Wormsley start fighting again. SpongeBob and Patrick see the fight and they run and hide in SpongeBob's bed]'' :'''SpongeBob and Patrick''': Duck and Cover! :''[the fighting still continues outside of conch street]'' :'''Patrick''': This town is getting too rough for me. :'''SpongeBob''': He's chased her away! Now, who will care for her abandoned newborn infants? :'''Patrick''': Maybe you could take care of them. :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, no way Patrick. I've never seen Gary that upset. ==="Komputer Overload" (1.2)=== ==Episode 2== ==="Gullible Pants" (2.1)=== ==="Overbooked" (2.2)=== ==Episode 3== ==="No Hat for Pat" (3.1)=== :'''Frankie Billy''': That guy still flopping? :'''Frank''': Yeah! Amazing, isn't it? :'''Frankie Billy''': Doesn't that get old? :'''Harold''': He's got a point. :'''Frank''': Yeah. You've seen enough? :'''Harold''': Yeah, let's get out of here. [He, Frank, and another customer throw their food on the floor and leave] :'''Frankie Billy''': Me, too. I'm out. [He throws his food on the floor and leaves like everybody else] :'''Mr. Krabs''': What? Wait! Don't go! Why ya leaving? :'''Harold''': This guy's act is stale! We crave excitement! [all the other customers argue] :'''Mr. Krabs''': Okay, Okay! You want excitement? What if I added a box? [puts Patrick on a box as he falls from it] Huh? Huh? :'''Frankie Billy''': Sort of the same, really. :'''Frank''': Yeah. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Oh, okay, so what if he flopped from two boxes...? [adds another box, but the customers are still bored] ...into a cream pie? [puts a cream pie in place] :'''Patrick''': I like pie. :'''Frankie Billy''': Say now. :'''Frank''': That, I'd pay to see! ==="Toy Store of Doom" (3.2)=== ==Episode 4== ==="Sand Castles in the Sand" (4.1)=== :'''SpongeBob''': [Floating gently down] All is fair in love and war my friend slash enemy, or should I say, my friend-enemy!? [presses a sand button where a jet fighter resembling an [[w: General Dynamics F-16 Fighting Falcon|F-16]] hovers in midair until SpongeBob lands in the cockpit. It then starts chasing Patrick's robot head] Let's have some real fun! [Presses a button that launches two missiles that fly towards Patrick. Patrick screams as he turns his robot head away from the missiles] ==="Shell Shocked" (4.2)=== ==Episode 5== ==="Chum Bucket Supreme" (5.1)=== :'''Mini Brain Patrick 1''': Forget about what that word means! There's a fire breaking out in the language lobes! :'''Mini Brain Patrick 2''': We need to get outta here! ''[Mini Brain Patrick 3 pushes on a door with signs saying "PULL TO OPEN"]'' :'''Mini Brain Patrick 3''': The door's jammed! :'''Mini Brain Patrick 2''': Push harder! ''[all Mini Brain Patricks start moaning and coughing]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Karen''': Don't look now, but I think your catchy slogan days are numbered. :'''Nat''': ''[barfs on floor]'' Something's not right. :'''Pilar''': Yeah, I know, I keep sayin' "Chum is Fum" but it's...ehh...it's just not working. :'''Nat''': I'm outta here. ''[throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]'' :'''Pilar''': ''[also throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]'' :'''Plankton''': ''[To Patrick who is sleeping]'' Patrick! :'''Patrick''': ''[Wakes up]'' Huh? :'''Plankton''': We're having a board meeting here! We need ideas! :'''Patrick''': ''[Examining a line graph whose line ends in a toilet]'' Hmmmm...mmmhmmm...uh-huh. I think I see the problem. Your potty has a shocky thing in it! :'''Plankton''': ''[Annoyed]'' '''NO!''' That's not ''it'' you '''FOOL'''! We need a new slogan! You need to come up with a new genius catchphrase like ''Chum is Fum!'' But ''different''. :'''Patrick''': Oh gotcha. Hmmmm. ''[Cut to Chum Bucket, whose slogan has been switched to "Fum is Chum!"]'' :'''Nat''': I'm so happy that they changed that old tired slogan "Chum is Fum"! :'''Pilar''': Yeah that new slogan, "Fum is Chum" is way cooler! :'''Nat''': Way cooler! :'''Patrick''': Excuse me, sir. [hands resignation slip] My resignation. [shows picture of himself in a [[w:fighter aircraft|fighter plane]] shooting bullets] ==="Single Cell Anniversary" (5.2)=== :'''Plankton''': ''[singing]'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''Put down those punch cards,'' ::''Put down those punch cards,'' ::''And listen to my ode.'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''What compares to,'' ::''What compares to...'' ::''Ehhhh, um, eeh... AH-HA!'' ::''Your beautiful diodes?'' ::''(Instrumental break)'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''I was blinded, yes, I was blinded,'' ::''I was blinded by the light of your cathode ray.'' ::''Oh, I built you, yes, I built you,'' ::''I built you in the - ehhh... erm...'' ::''In the shape of a cube!'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''You'll never know how much I love your vacuum tubes!'' ==[[w:Truth or Square|"Truth or Square" (Episodes 6–7)]]== :'''SpongeBob''': Can you believe it's been eleventy seven years already? :''[Gary meows angrily]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[gasps]'' Watch the potty mouth, Gar! ==Episode 8== ==="Pineapple Fever" (8.1)=== :'''Squidward''': WHOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOO!!!! SO LONG, SUCKERS!!!! ''(falling)'' Oof! Oh, curse you, Preflumster! OOF! OH, <big>'''''CURSE YOU PREFLUMSTER!!!!'''''</big> ==="Chum Caverns" (8.2)=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': Satisfied with yourself, Plankton! Now you've trapped us all underground! :'''Fish #5''': But at least we're trapped in a good restaurant! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Capturing customers! I should've though of it sooner, but without Squidward, I need someone to work the register. ''[Cut to Plankton and a cave creature working the register. The creature raises its whip]'' :'''Cave Dweller #2''': '''AAUUGGHHH!!!''' ==[[w:The Clash of Triton|"The Clash of Triton" (Episode 9)]]== :'''Sadie''': Did you hear that? Neptune said it was all because of ''that'' guy! ''[citizens with torches, pitchforks, splinters, and other weapons form a mob with the damaged city in the background]'' :'''Policeman''': He ''did'', did he? :'''Patrick''': Uh... SpongeBob? :'''SpongeBob''': Yes, Patrick? :'''Patrick''': Do you think now's a good time to get those Triple Gooberry Sundays you were talking about? :'''SpongeBob''': I think now would be an excellent time, yes. (But let's run first and see if we can lose the mob.) ''[the episode ends with he and Patrick screaming whilst getting chased by the angry mob]'' ==Episode 10== ===''Tentacle-Vision (10.1)''=== :'''Patrick''': ''[laughing]'' My shorts are wet! <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Patrick, just how dumb ''are'' you? :'''Patrick''': It varies. ===''I love Dancing (10.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': ''[upon seeing SpongeBob dancing]'' That is the stupidest dance I've ever seen. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[to Squidward]'' Who put you on the planet? ---- :'''Twin Sisters''': [singing] We're tiny, we're cuddly, we're bubbly, wubbly, huggly! :'''Talent Agent''': That was very cute, girls! ''[then annoyed]'' In fact, it's ''too'' cute. You're out. :'''Twin Sisters''': I told you it was a stupid idea... and I hate you, too! ==Episode 11== ===''Growth Spout (11.1)''=== :'''Cracker''': What am I, chopped liver? :'''Offscreen voice''': No, that's what ''I'' am. ''[zoom out showing a jar of chopped liver]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Mrs. Puff''': ''[in her sleep]'' Must...protect garden. <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward's house''': Oh, well. I needed to lose a little weight anyway. ===''Stuck in the Wringer (11.2)''=== ==Episode 12== ===''Someone's in the Kitchen with Sandy (12.1)''=== ===''The Inside Job (12.2)''=== :''[Plankton unplugs SpongeBob's ear drum]'' :'''Plankton''': Let me see what I can tune in here. Hmm. :'''Mr. Krabs''': The secret of the Krabby Patty formula is-- :'''Plankton''': Jackpot! :'''Spongebob''': Huh? :'''Mr, Krabs''': I said-- :'''SpongeBob''': Could you speak a little louder, please? :'''Mr. Krabs''': The secret to the Krabby Patty formula-- :'''SpongeBob''': What? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Hold on. :'''Plankton''': Here it comes! :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[shouting into a megaphone] <big>'''THE SECRET TO THE KRABBY PATTY FORMULA IS...!'''</big> [The shouting causes Plankton's ears to pop]'' :'''Plankton''': OW!!! I hate my life! <hr width=50%> :'''Plankton''': Enough with these petty carnal senses. If I'm going to get the Krabby Patty recipe...''[he arrives at...]'' The brain! :''[Snickering evily, he sticks one end of the mind connector to the brain and absorbs some of it]'' :'''Plankton''': Hi, friend! [he gasps as he saw "Superficial Greetings" on the brain] "Superficial Greetings"? What kind of idiot...? ''[sees the parts of the brain]'' --"Personal Opinions"? "Knock-knock Jokes"?! No, no, no, no! This is all useless! ==Episode 13== ===''Greasy Buffoons (13.1)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs/Plankton''': Oh, no! Did somebody call the Health inspector? :'''Health inspector''': Did somebody call a... Health inspector? ===''Model Sponge (13.2)''=== ==Episode 14== ===''Keep Bikini Bottom Beautiful (14.1)''=== ===''A Pal for Gary (14.2)''=== :''[Spongebob sees little puffy fish being sold by a peddler, and becomes enticed by them and decides to get one of them for Gary] :'''SpongeBob''': I'll take that one right there! :'''Store Owner''': You wish to have one of my rare and extremely dangerous... huh? :'''SpongeBob''': Oh yeah this is the one. ''[picks one of them]'' :'''Store Owner''': Beware, boy, this is no ordinary pet! :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, Gary's gonna be so happy! :'''Store Owner''': You ''must'' understand. These pets can be ''very'' unstable. especially around other pets! :''[She proves this by showing a picture of a cat next to another puffy fish, who snarls at it.]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[obliviously]'' Yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks, bye. ''[he runs off]'' :'''Store Owner''': Why bother? They never listen. <hr width=50%> :'''Spongebob''': Ahh. I can rest so peacefully, now that Gary's got a good pal they could play with. :''[Just as he goes to sleep, Gary bursts through the door, scared and meowing in alarm, causing him to wake up with a start.]'' :'''Spongebob''': Gary! Shame on you! ''[takes Gary back in the living room]'' Puffy Fluffy is perfectly harmless. ''[he takes the blanket off, revealing what he thinks is normal Puffy Fluffy]'' See there he is fast asleep. Now will you let me sleep, Gary, please? [sets Gary back on a small green bed and covers him with a small blanket] Good night. ''[goes back to bed]'' <hr width=50%> :''[After Spongebob wakes up and notices the damage to the house, thanks to Puffy Fluffy]'' :'''Spongebob''': Huh? What's this? Must have been a sea quake last night. Oh well, what are you gonna do? ''[opens the galley door which falls over]'' That's unusual. WHOA!! [sees the library which is a total wreck] My library! ''[gasps]'' And my prized memoirs of T.S. Halibut! ''[gasps]'' My clothes! [picks up his torn pants] This was no random sea quake, Who could have done this? Why, there was no one here except... ''[mistakenly realizes something]'' ...Gary. I bet he's jealous about the new friend! ==Episode 15== ===''Yours, Mine and Mine (15.1)''=== :'''Patrick''': Uh, I'm not home right now! Please leave a message! Beeeep... :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick, it's me! SpongeBob! It's my turn to play with the toy! :'''Patrick''': I can't go out! I just washed my hair! :'''SpongeBob''': You don't have any h-come out, Patrick! It's MY turn!! :'''Patrick''': Got any ID? :'''SpongeBob''': I have my milkshake dispenser operator license. :'''Patrick''': ''[looks at it]'' Looks fake to me pal! Bye-Bye now! :'''SpongeBob''': Well, I guess I had best be going! ''[Pretends to walk away]'' I'm walking away...Here I go... ''[quietly]'' I'm gone now! ''[hides on Patrick's antenna]'' :'''Patrick''': You sure? :'''SpongeBob''': I'm sure! ''[Patrick comes out, he jumps at him]'' Hi, Patrick! Time to ''SHARE!'' :'''Patrick''': DECEIVER! You didn't leave at all!! :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, and you were washing your hair!?! :'''Patrick''': I was too, See? ''[shows his armpit hair]'' <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': [Surprised] Gary was so right about you! You're a non-sharer! :'''Patrick''': Gary said that? You're off my friend list, Gary!! :'''Gary''': Meow. [turns and slithers back into SpongeBob's house] :'''SpongeBob''': Hand it over, Patrick! ''I'' get to play with the Patty Pal today! :'''Patrick''': You can't take it, It's not fair! :'''SpongeBob''': How about I take it for ''half'' a day? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': How about we trade off every ''hour''? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': Every ''half'' hour? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': Every ''fifteen minutes''? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': ''Five'' minutes? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': ''One'' minute? :'''Patrick''': N-n-no! :'''SpongeBob''': Okay then, for our final offer we trade off every ''second!'' :''[They pass Patty Pal back and fourth every second]'' :'''Patrick''': One. :'''SpongeBob''': One. :'''Patrick''': One. :''[Pause, Patrick runs off while SpongeBob tears himself angrily]'' ===''Kracked Krabs (15.2)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs:''': Lad, you're surrounded by stingy wisdom, so try to pick up some pointers. But whatever you do, don't lend anyone money! :'''SpongeBob:''': ''[lending money to another crab]'' 25, 26... ==Episode 16== ===''The Curse of Bikini Bottom (16.1)''=== ===''Squidward in Clarinetland (16.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': Order up, SpongeBob! :''[walk towards SpongeBob]'' :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob! What do you think you're doing? You're supposed to be fry cooking. I told you not to touch my stuff! :'''SpongeBob''': I didn't! I wore protective gloves! And besides, don't you like how classy it look now? :'''Squidward''': Velvet.. :'''SpongeBob''': Now I'd like to stand by and idly chat with you, Squidward, But I must attend to my Krusty Krab duties! In the future, please keep your interruptions to a minimum sir, please! <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Hey, come back! I need my clarinet! Come Back! Where are you? Sponge- :''[bumps into an eagle head]'' :'''Eagle''': I am the keeper of the horned forest, state your business here. :'''Squidward''': uuhh.. I'm.. trying to find my clarinet. :'''Eagle''': ''Your'' clarinet? :'''Squidward:''': Yes, my clarinet! Which I am the proud owner. :''[Eagle laughs]'' :'''Eagle''': A clarinet is not owned. Why don't you tell me why you're really here? :'''Squidward''': You calling me a ''LIAR?!'' :''[Eagle grabs Squidward with his tongue]'' :'''Eagle''': I don't appreciate your tone. :'''Squidward''': I'm sorry I-I-I didn't mean to offend you. :'''Eagle''': This is a sacred place where clarinets live without persecution. You need to learn respect. :'''Squidward''': ''[Eagle squeezed squidward tightly]'' I've learned.. ''[loosely]'' I've learned respect... :'''Eagle''': I don't believe you. :''[Swallows Squidward and he ends up in the stomach, Squidward sees SpongeBob]'' ==''[[w:SpongeBob's Last Stand|SpongeBob's Last Stand (Episode 17)]]''== :'''SpongeBob''': Okay everyone, say goodbye to the worst thing that's happened to this town since 97 cent stores. :'''Everyone''': YEAH! ''[SpongeBob tries to break the highway with the tractor, but it just stopped]'' :'''Plankton''': Good effort, Spongedope, but you can't tear up my highway, it's indestructible! :'''Larry Lobster''': Not if we have anything to do with it! :'''SpongeBob''': Larry Lobster! :'''Larry Lobster''': That's right, pal, but that's not all. ''[Sandy walks out from the crowd, waving]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Sandy Squirrel! ''[Mrs. Puff walks out of the crowd]'' Mrs. Puff! ''[Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy both walk out from the crowd]'' Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy! ''[Patrick walks walk out from the crowd]'' Patrick! :'''Patrick''': Su-Su-Su-Su! :'''SpongeBob''': And Squidward! ''[Squidward doesn't walk out from the crowd]'' :'''Fish 3''': Nope, that's everybody! :'''Larry Lobster''': Push! ''[He, Patrick, Mrs. Puff, Mermaid Man, Barnacle Boy and Sandy push]'' Harder!!!!! ''[They push harder]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Harder still! :'''Fish 3''': You heard the little square guy, yeah! ''[Everybody lines up behind the tractor and pushes it]'' :'''Plankton''': Wait! I didn't count on all of you working together! ''[Everybody pushes hard enough that the highway breaks!]'' My highway! STOP! YOU CAN'T! ''[Plankton gets crushed by the tractor!]'' :'''Everyone''': YEAH! ''[The arch over the Krusty Krab breaks down in a pile of dust and the smog clears]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': Praise Neptune. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[Singing]'' ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, it's the jellyfishing song!'' :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''SpongeBob''': ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, everyone sing along!'' :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''Everyone''': ''[Singing]'' Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, it's the jellyfishing song! :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''Everyone''': ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly everyone siiiiinnnnggggg!'' ''[The camera zooms out and we cut to the Jellyfish Fields ranger]'' :'''Ranger''': ''[bored voice]'' Everyone sing along. ''[switches the "closed" sign to "open," and then walks away]'' ==Episode XVIII== ===''Back to the Past (XVIII.I)''=== :'''Mermaid Men''': ::'''#2:''' ''[running out of the time machine along with the second Barnacle Boy, Spongebob and Patrick]'' Keep your tongue out of my tarter sauce! ::'''#1:''' Imposters! ::'''#2:''' Who are you calling imposter, imposter? I must prevent our tarter sauce from being eaten by that... ''[pans to Patrick]'' ...That fool! ::'''#1:''' If I want to get near my tarter sauce, I gotta go through me first! ::'''#2:''' I’m gonna make you eat those words! ::'''#1:''' Bring It! ''[gets "slapped"]'' Take this! ''["punches" himself's hair]'' I’ll never let you win! ::'''#2:''' Oh, yes I will! ::'''Young:''' What do you make of this, Barnacle Boy? :'''Young Barnacle Boy''': Tangled Timeline, Mermaid Man. I... :'''Man Ray''': ''[laughs wickedly]'' You old coots provided me the perfect distraction. Now prepare to be disappeared! :'''Young Mermaid Man''': Sounds good on paper, you purveyor of pure evil, but, fortunately, we all know what happens to paper underwater. Barnacle Boy, the tartar sauce. ''[pours tartar sauce on the Second Man Ray]'' :'''Patrick 2''': Wow! I've never eaten that much tartar sauce. :'''Patrick 1''': Yes, you have. :'''Patrick 2''': Well, it sure ain't sittin' right. :'''Man Ray''': ''[laughs wickedly]'' Foolish mools. Once again, your buffoonery has given me victory! ''[blows up the tartar sauce can and laughs wickedly]'' Oh, I'm going to savor this. It's not every day I get to defeat Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy three times over! ''[is about to shoot two SpongeBobs, Patrick, two Old Mermaid Mans and Barnacle Boys but another time machine comes]'' :'''SpongeBob 2''': ''[He along with the second Patrick comes out of the machine]'' Patrick, don’t eat the tartar sauce! :'''Man Ray''': You’re too late! Your fat friend beat you to it. Now, prepare to taste laser! ''[another time machine comes, which it opens, and the third SpongeBob and Patrick are falling, screaming]'' So how... :'''SpongeBob 4''': ''[The time machine door with the fourth SpongeBob and Patrick]'' I told you we had to go back farther! :'''Man Ray''': Uh... ''[Tries to think but another time machine comes]'' :'''Mermaid Man 3''': Up, up, and away! ''[The third Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy jump out and fall to the ground]'' :'''SpongeBob 5''': ''[another time machine opens with the fifth Patrick also]'' Now, Patrick! ''[He along with the fifth Patrick pour tartar sauce on the third Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy and drop the can on them]'' :'''Man Ray''': I can't get my head around this. Where are they all coming from? ''[Man Ray 2's machine comes]'' Another machine? ''[Man Ray 2 comes out]'' :'''Man Ray 2''': ''[shoots his own whole time machine and laughs wickedly]'' I took care of your blasted time machine! ''[laughs again and flies away]'' :'''Man Ray''': Uh! I got to sit down and think this through. :'''Young Mermaid Man''': ''[chains Man Ray]'' Gotta! You've got plenty of time for thinking in the stony lonesome. :'''Man Ray''': I'm sorry, did you say something? I'm still trying to comprehend what just happened here. :'''Young Mermaid Man''': It's pretty simple, really. You were defeated by a convoy of continuum-cruising crime stoppers. Thank you, SpongeBob and Patrick. :'''Four SpongeBobs and Two Patricks''': You're welcome! :'''SpongeBob 6 and Patrick 6''': ''[another time machine which holds seven SpongeBobs and six Patricks comes]'' Oh, hi there! Hello! Hello! Hello! :'''One Other Patrick''': Hey! Oh, I can't believe it! :'''One Other SpongeBob''': We just wanted to come back and revisit the day that evil was defeated forever. :'''SpongeBob 7''': ''[another time machine appears]'' Hey, how you doing? :'''Patrick 7''': We're here. :'''Eighth and Ninth SpongeBobs and Patricks''': ''[two time machines appear]'' Oh, hi there! How you doing? :'''Tenth SpongeBob and Patrick''': Hello! Hello! :'''Even More SpongeBobs and Patricks''': ''[more appear]'' Oh hi there! ''[More and more appear while the episode pans into outer space]'' Hello! Hello! ===''The Bad Guy Club for Villains (XVIII.II)''=== :'''Patrick''': Hey, what happened? Why are those squiggles on the screen? :'''SpongeBob''': Those are called "End Credits", Patrick. :'''Patrick''': End credits? But I don't want it to end! :'''SpongeBob''': That's why Neptune gave us the rewind button! ''[pushes a button]'' :'''Patrick''': Thank you, Neptune! ''[The screen goes back to the beginning and zooms in before the episode ends]'' ==Episode 19== ===''A Day Without Tears (19.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': He was a good little Krabby Patty. [sniffs] I didn't know him well, but in the few short seconds between grill and floor, I--[opens the trash lid and begins crying]--I came to love him! [the patty slowly slides off his spatula and into the trash bin] It just isn't fair! [he cries even louder, soaking and enraging Squidward from the counter window] :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob, will you stop crying?! :'''SpongeBob''': But the Krabby Patty fell on the floor and then he... :'''Squidward''': Krabby Patty nothing! :'''SpongeBob''': I-- :'''Squidward''': ''[shouting]'' ''KRABBY PATTY '''NOTHING!!!!''''' ''[breathes heavily. SpongeBob whimpers]'' What now? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[stifled]'' You yelled at me... ''[wailing]'' '''YOU YELLED AT ME!!!!!!!''''' ''[continues sobbing]'' :'''Squidward''': All right, look. So far today, and it's not even 2:00 yet, you have cried 43 times. :'''SpongeBob''': And you wrote that number on a chalkboard. :'''Squidward''': Yes! :'''SpongeBob''': Why? :'''Squidward''': [pauses for a second] I have no idea. :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, Squidward, there's no way I cry that much. There's not that many tears in my brain. :'''Squidward''': Au contraire. [turns on a TV] :'''SpongeBob''': What's this? :'''Squidward''': It's a quick montage of flashbacks I've edited together that shows the hundreds of tears you have cried over the years. :''[the video begins to play, showing SpongeBob crying in the Krusty Krab, in a grocery store, at Mrs. Puff's Boating School, in Jellyfish Fields, in the bathroom, and more like near a bus stop for no reason]'' :'''SpongeBob''': [in the video] Boo! Hoo! Boohoo! Sob. Whimper. :'''Narrator''': Thousands of tears later... :''[SpongeBob continues to watch himself crying in the video]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Wow, guess I do cry a lot. I promise I won't cry anymore. :'''Squidward''': Oh, nonsense! I bet you can't go the rest of the day without crying. :'''SpongeBob''': [realizes something] Excuse me a minute. [he walks up to a rotary telephone and dials it, Patrick appears lazily sitting on his couch when his own phone rings] :'''Patrick''': [answers it] Star... residence. Patrick speaking. :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Patrick. :'''Patrick''': Hey, buddy! Is it 7:30 already? :'''SpongeBob''': No, I'm still at work. :'''Patrick''': How can I help you? :'''SpongeBob''': Do you think that I could go the rest of the day without crying? :'''Patrick''': [mouth full with popcorn] Well, of course you can. :'''SpongeBob''': Okay, great, thanks, Patrick. :'''Patrick''': Umm... sure. And did you remember to put that package outside where I told you? :'''SpongeBob''': Yeah, but I left it in a different spot. Just ask Gary, he knows where it is. :'''Patrick''': Oh, yeah. [laughs with his mouth full] Hey, good one, buddy. You almost had me there. :'''SpongeBob''': [chuckles] Okay. :'''Patrick''': Yeah, talk to you later. :'''SpongeBob''': All right, see ya. [hangs up, then walks back up to Squidward] Okay, it's a bet. :'''Squidward''': [shakes SpongeBob's hand] Fine. If you cry one tear before midnight, you have to... [thinks] Wash my bike, clean out my rain gutters, and do all my yard work for a year. :'''SpongeBob''': Sounds fair to me. And if I make it to midnight without crying, you'll come to a slumber party at my place. Just you and me. [Squidward retches and swallows] Ooh, what's the matter? :'''Squidward''': Um, nothing, I just threw up a little in my mouth. [begins talking in his thoughts] No need to worry, Squiddy. You've outdone yourself. He'll be crying in ten minutes. ===''Summer Job (19.2)''=== ==Episode 20== ===''One Coarse Meal (20.1)''=== :'''Karen''': My triumphant husband returns. How'd you fail this time? :'''Plankton''': Krabs had a whale! :'''Karen''': You mean his big, bad, scary teenage daughter? :'''Plankton''': I hear that mocking tone in your voice, Karen, and I don't appreciate it! Don't you remember what happened to my ancestors at the hands of those beasts?! :''[Plankton's family is shown being eaten by a whale]'' :'''Karen''': Okay, when you need a break from your delusional paranoia, the trash needs some attention. It's ripened. <hr width=50%> :'''Plankton''': ''[crying]'' What's the point of going on? I'll just be tortured for the rest of my life by that whale! ''[lies down]'' That's it. I'm done. The 4:15 bus should be along any time now. :'''SpongeBob''': Hi, Plankton. What are you doing laying in the middle of the road? :'''Plankton''': Go away, Cheese head! Can't you see I'm trying to get run over?! In fact, better yet, just step on me as hard as you can. Would you do that for me? :'''SpongeBob''': I'm sorry, Plankton, but that flies in the face of my good nature. :'''Plankton''': Forget it, kid. I'll just wait for the next bus. Go on back to the Krusty Krab and enjoy yourself. ===''Gary In Love (20.2)''=== ==Episode 21== ===''The Play's the Thing (21.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Squidward, no! Those patties aren't fit for public consumption! :'''Squidward''': Here, enjoy! <hr width=60%> :'''SpongeBob''': ''[tries not to cry]'' Bless you all. :'''Patrick''': I like throwing food. ''[chucks a burnt Krabby Patty at SpongeBob]'' :'''SpongeBob''': OW!! :'''All''': ''FOOD FIGHT!!!!'' <hr width=60%> :'''Squidward''': AAAAAHH!!! :'''Patrick''': Haw haw! Ah haw haw! ''[hurls an anchor]'' ===''Rodeo Daze (21.2)''=== ==External links== {{Wikipedia|SpongeBob SquarePants (season 7)}} [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants seasons]] [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]] glie76if7zislqiw2x0xdd7qsx5s0v4 3158040 3158037 2022-08-26T00:59:33Z 67.241.180.73 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 1|1]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 2|2]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 3|3]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 4|4]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 5|5]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 6|6]] '''7''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 8|8]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 9|9]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 10|10]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 11|11]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 12|12]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 13|13]] ([[SpongeBob SquarePants|Main]]) | '''Movies''': [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water|Sponge Out of Water]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run|Sponge on the Run]] | '''Spin-offs:''' [[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years|Kamp Koral]] / [[The Patrick Star Show]] ---- <br> '''''[[w:SpongeBob_SquarePants|SpongeBob SquarePants]]''''' (1999-) is an animated TV series, airing on Nickelodeon about the adventures and endeavors of the title character and his various friends in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom. It spawned [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie|a movie]], followed by several short films, and video games. ==Cast== *Tom Kenny as SpongeBob, Snooty Narrator, TV Voice, Narrator, Chopped Liver, Cop #1, Squidward's House, Jellyfish, Carney Fish #1, Fish #2, Fish #40, Fish #47, Fish #83, Gary, Worker Fish, Customer #5, Cod Darringer, Hans, Cop, Trash Fish, Fish #107, Cowboy, Mail Fish, Bellboy, Crab #1, Beuford, Customer (male), Fish #64, Fish #37a, Director, Cop, Scotsman, Reporter, Man, Mayor, Jellyfish, Dirty Bubble, Pyrite Panderer, Hand Creature, Professor Magma, Snail #13, Cop, Brad, Pet Shop Owner, Snail #1, Fish #107, Snail #2, Big Poodle Worm, Fish #41, Fish #40, Fish #1, Popeye Fish, Old Man Fish *Bill Fagerbakke as Patrick, TV Producer, Fish #1, Customer #2, Health Inspector, Assistant, Fish #105, Fish #107, Fax Machine, Dad Fish *Rodger Bumpass as Squidward, Leftover, Fish #107, Customer #3, Announcer, Chintzy McGee, KK Customer, Fish #41, Mailman *Clancy Brown as Mr. Krabs, Carney Fish #2, Fish #83, Customer #1, Dad, Giant Bell Hop, Customer, Eagle Head, Ranger, Fish #83, Fish #49 *Mr. Lawrence as Plankton, Larry the Lobster, Customer #1, Citizen Fish #45, TV Narrator, Sinister Slug, Cop, Fish #6, Doctor *Carolyn Lawrence as Sandy *Dee Bradley Baker as Zeus, Squilliam, Cop, Worker, Newscaster, Billy, Boss, Director, Cloaked One, Boy Fish, Crab #2, Host, Atomic Flounder, Jumbo Shrimp, Elastic Waist Band, Radio DJ, Anchor Fish, Kid Fish, Pirate #1, Bully Snail, Billy, Baby, Small Poodle Worm, Fish #107, Fish #42, Fish #60, Fish #41, Fish #27, Security Guard *Lori Alan as Pearl, Grandma *Jill Talley as Twin #1, Twin #2, Karen, Fish #48, Fish #49, Customer #4, Fish #157, Mom, Gramma, Fish #45, Fish #46 *Sirena Irwin as Agent Fish, Actress, Reporter, Kid Fish, Fortune Teller, Fish #46, Miss Appear, Mary, Monica, Fish #115 *Mary Jo Catlett as Mrs. Puff *Chiba as Kitten *Brian Dolye Murray as Flying Dutchman *Bob Joles as Man Ray *Ernest Borgnine as Mermaid Man *Tim Conway as Barnacle Boy *Adam West as Young Mermaid Man *Burt Ward as Young Barnacle Boy *Paul Tibbitt as Plankton's Granddad *Loraine Newman as Grandma Plankton, Nurse ==Episode 1== ==="Pet or Pests" (1.1)=== :''[Mrs. Wormley and Gary are growling each other again.]'' :'''Patrick''': It looks like they're still not getting used to each other. :'''SpongeBob''': Well, these things take time. :''[Gary and Mrs. Wormsley start fighting again. SpongeBob and Patrick see the fight and they run and hide in SpongeBob's bed]'' :'''SpongeBob and Patrick''': Duck and Cover! :''[the fighting still continues outside of conch street]'' :'''Patrick''': This town is getting too rough for me. :'''SpongeBob''': He's chased her away! Now, who will care for her abandoned newborn infants? :'''Patrick''': Maybe you could take care of them. :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, no way Patrick. I've never seen Gary that upset. ==="Komputer Overload" (1.2)=== ==Episode 2== ==="Gullible Pants" (2.1)=== ==="Overbooked" (2.2)=== ==Episode 3== ==="No Hat for Pat" (3.1)=== :'''Frankie Billy''': That guy still flopping? :'''Frank''': Yeah! Amazing, isn't it? :'''Frankie Billy''': Doesn't that get old? :'''Harold''': He's got a point. :'''Frank''': Yeah. You've seen enough? :'''Harold''': Yeah, let's get out of here. [He, Frank, and another customer throw their food on the floor and leave] :'''Frankie Billy''': Me, too. I'm out. [He throws his food on the floor and leaves like everybody else] :'''Mr. Krabs''': What? Wait! Don't go! Why ya leaving? :'''Harold''': This guy's act is stale! We crave excitement! [all the other customers argue] :'''Mr. Krabs''': Okay, Okay! You want excitement? What if I added a box? [puts Patrick on a box as he falls from it] Huh? Huh? :'''Frankie Billy''': Sort of the same, really. :'''Frank''': Yeah. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Oh, okay, so what if he flopped from two boxes...? [adds another box, but the customers are still bored] ...into a cream pie? [puts a cream pie in place] :'''Patrick''': I like pie. :'''Frankie Billy''': Say now. :'''Frank''': That, I'd pay to see! ==="Toy Store of Doom" (3.2)=== ==Episode 4== ==="Sand Castles in the Sand" (4.1)=== :'''SpongeBob''': [Floating gently down] All is fair in love and war my friend slash enemy, or should I say, my friend-enemy!? [presses a sand button where a jet fighter resembling an [[w: General Dynamics F-16 Fighting Falcon|F-16]] hovers in midair until SpongeBob lands in the cockpit. It then starts chasing Patrick's robot head] Let's have some real fun! [Presses a button that launches two missiles that fly towards Patrick. Patrick screams as he turns his robot head away from the missiles] ==="Shell Shocked" (4.2)=== ==Episode 5== ==="Chum Bucket Supreme" (5.1)=== :'''Mini Brain Patrick 1''': Forget about what that word means! There's a fire breaking out in the language lobes! :'''Mini Brain Patrick 2''': We need to get outta here! ''[Mini Brain Patrick 3 pushes on a door with signs saying "PULL TO OPEN"]'' :'''Mini Brain Patrick 3''': The door's jammed! :'''Mini Brain Patrick 2''': Push harder! ''[all Mini Brain Patricks start moaning and coughing]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Karen''': Don't look now, but I think your catchy slogan days are numbered. :'''Nat''': ''[barfs on floor]'' Something's not right. :'''Pilar''': Yeah, I know, I keep sayin' "Chum is Fum" but it's...ehh...it's just not working. :'''Nat''': I'm outta here. ''[throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]'' :'''Pilar''': ''[also throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]'' :'''Plankton''': ''[To Patrick who is sleeping]'' Patrick! :'''Patrick''': ''[Wakes up]'' Huh? :'''Plankton''': We're having a board meeting here! We need ideas! :'''Patrick''': ''[Examining a line graph whose line ends in a toilet]'' Hmmmm...mmmhmmm...uh-huh. I think I see the problem. Your potty has a shocky thing in it! :'''Plankton''': ''[Annoyed]'' '''NO!''' That's not ''it'' you '''FOOL'''! We need a new slogan! You need to come up with a new genius catchphrase like ''Chum is Fum!'' But ''different''. :'''Patrick''': Oh gotcha. Hmmmm. ''[Cut to Chum Bucket, whose slogan has been switched to "Fum is Chum!"]'' :'''Nat''': I'm so happy that they changed that old tired slogan "Chum is Fum"! :'''Pilar''': Yeah that new slogan, "Fum is Chum" is way cooler! :'''Nat''': Way cooler! :'''Patrick''': Excuse me, sir. [hands resignation slip] My resignation. [shows picture of himself in a [[w:fighter aircraft|fighter plane]] shooting bullets] ==="Single Cell Anniversary" (5.2)=== :'''Plankton''': ''[singing]'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''Put down those punch cards,'' ::''Put down those punch cards,'' ::''And listen to my ode.'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''What compares to,'' ::''What compares to...'' ::''Ehhhh, um, eeh... AH-HA!'' ::''Your beautiful diodes?'' ::''(Instrumental break)'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.' ::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.'' ::''I was blinded, yes, I was blinded,'' ::''I was blinded by the light of your cathode ray.'' ::''Oh, I built you, yes, I built you,'' ::''I built you in the - ehhh... erm...'' ::''In the shape of a cube!'' ::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'' ::''You'll never know how much I love your vacuum tubes!'' ==[[w:Truth or Square|"Truth or Square" (Episodes 6–7)]]== :'''SpongeBob''': Can you believe it's been eleventy seven years already? :''[Gary meows angrily]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[gasps]'' Watch the potty mouth, Gar! ==Episode 8== ==="Pineapple Fever" (8.1)=== :'''Squidward''': WHOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOO!!!! SO LONG, SUCKERS!!!! ''(falling)'' Oof! Oh, curse you, Preflumster! OOF! OH, <big>'''''CURSE YOU PREFLUMSTER!!!!'''''</big> ==="Chum Caverns" (8.2)=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': Satisfied with yourself, Plankton! Now you've trapped us all underground! :'''Fish #5''': But at least we're trapped in a good restaurant! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Capturing customers! I should've though of it sooner, but without Squidward, I need someone to work the register. ''[Cut to Plankton and a cave creature working the register. The creature raises its whip]'' :'''Cave Dweller #2''': '''AAUUGGHHH!!!''' ==[[w:The Clash of Triton|"The Clash of Triton" (Episode 9)]]== :'''Sadie''': Did you hear that? Neptune said it was all because of ''that'' guy! ''[citizens with torches, pitchforks, splinters, and other weapons form a mob with the damaged city in the background]'' :'''Policeman''': He ''did'', did he? :'''Patrick''': Uh... SpongeBob? :'''SpongeBob''': Yes, Patrick? :'''Patrick''': Do you think now's a good time to get those Triple Gooberry Sundays you were talking about? :'''SpongeBob''': I think now would be an excellent time, yes. (But let's run first and see if we can lose the mob.) ''[the episode ends with he and Patrick screaming whilst getting chased by the angry mob]'' ==Episode 10== ===''Tentacle-Vision (10.1)''=== :'''Patrick''': ''[laughing]'' My shorts are wet! <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Patrick, just how dumb ''are'' you? :'''Patrick''': It varies. ===''I love Dancing (10.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': ''[upon seeing SpongeBob dancing]'' That is the stupidest dance I've ever seen. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[to Squidward]'' Who put you on the planet? ---- :'''Twin Sisters''': [singing] We're tiny, we're cuddly, we're bubbly, wubbly, huggly! :'''Talent Agent''': That was very cute, girls! ''[then annoyed]'' In fact, it's ''too'' cute. You're out. :'''Twin Sisters''': I told you it was a stupid idea... and I hate you, too! ==Episode 11== ===''Growth Spout (11.1)''=== :'''Cracker''': What am I, chopped liver? :'''Offscreen voice''': No, that's what ''I'' am. ''[zoom out showing a jar of chopped liver]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Mrs. Puff''': ''[in her sleep]'' Must...protect garden. <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward's house''': Oh, well. I needed to lose a little weight anyway. ===''Stuck in the Wringer (11.2)''=== ==Episode 12== ===''Someone's in the Kitchen with Sandy (12.1)''=== ===''The Inside Job (12.2)''=== :''[Plankton unplugs SpongeBob's ear drum]'' :'''Plankton''': Let me see what I can tune in here. Hmm. :'''Mr. Krabs''': The secret of the Krabby Patty formula is-- :'''Plankton''': Jackpot! :'''Spongebob''': Huh? :'''Mr, Krabs''': I said-- :'''SpongeBob''': Could you speak a little louder, please? :'''Mr. Krabs''': The secret to the Krabby Patty formula-- :'''SpongeBob''': What? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Hold on. :'''Plankton''': Here it comes! :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[shouting into a megaphone] <big>'''THE SECRET TO THE KRABBY PATTY FORMULA IS...!'''</big> [The shouting causes Plankton's ears to pop]'' :'''Plankton''': OW!!! I hate my life! <hr width=50%> :'''Plankton''': Enough with these petty carnal senses. If I'm going to get the Krabby Patty recipe...''[he arrives at...]'' The brain! :''[Snickering evily, he sticks one end of the mind connector to the brain and absorbs some of it]'' :'''Plankton''': Hi, friend! [he gasps as he saw "Superficial Greetings" on the brain] "Superficial Greetings"? What kind of idiot...? ''[sees the parts of the brain]'' --"Personal Opinions"? "Knock-knock Jokes"?! No, no, no, no! This is all useless! ==Episode 13== ===''Greasy Buffoons (13.1)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs/Plankton''': Oh, no! Did somebody call the Health inspector? :'''Health inspector''': Did somebody call a... Health inspector? ===''Model Sponge (13.2)''=== ==Episode 14== ===''Keep Bikini Bottom Beautiful (14.1)''=== ===''A Pal for Gary (14.2)''=== :''[Spongebob sees little puffy fish being sold by a peddler, and becomes enticed by them and decides to get one of them for Gary] :'''SpongeBob''': I'll take that one right there! :'''Store Owner''': You wish to have one of my rare and extremely dangerous... huh? :'''SpongeBob''': Oh yeah this is the one. ''[picks one of them]'' :'''Store Owner''': Beware, boy, this is no ordinary pet! :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, Gary's gonna be so happy! :'''Store Owner''': You ''must'' understand. These pets can be ''very'' unstable. especially around other pets! :''[She proves this by showing a picture of a cat next to another puffy fish, who snarls at it.]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[obliviously]'' Yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks, bye. ''[he runs off]'' :'''Store Owner''': Why bother? They never listen. <hr width=50%> :'''Spongebob''': Ahh. I can rest so peacefully, now that Gary's got a good pal they could play with. :''[Just as he goes to sleep, Gary bursts through the door, scared and meowing in alarm, causing him to wake up with a start.]'' :'''Spongebob''': Gary! Shame on you! ''[takes Gary back in the living room]'' Puffy Fluffy is perfectly harmless. ''[he takes the blanket off, revealing what he thinks is normal Puffy Fluffy]'' See there he is fast asleep. Now will you let me sleep, Gary, please? [sets Gary back on a small green bed and covers him with a small blanket] Good night. ''[goes back to bed]'' <hr width=50%> :''[After Spongebob wakes up and notices the damage to the house, thanks to Puffy Fluffy]'' :'''Spongebob''': Huh? What's this? Must have been a sea quake last night. Oh well, what are you gonna do? ''[opens the galley door which falls over]'' That's unusual. WHOA!! [sees the library which is a total wreck] My library! ''[gasps]'' And my prized memoirs of T.S. Halibut! ''[gasps]'' My clothes! [picks up his torn pants] This was no random sea quake, Who could have done this? Why, there was no one here except... ''[mistakenly realizes something]'' ...Gary. I bet he's jealous about the new friend! ==Episode 15== ===''Yours, Mine and Mine (15.1)''=== :'''Patrick''': Uh, I'm not home right now! Please leave a message! Beeeep... :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick, it's me! SpongeBob! It's my turn to play with the toy! :'''Patrick''': I can't go out! I just washed my hair! :'''SpongeBob''': You don't have any h-come out, Patrick! It's MY turn!! :'''Patrick''': Got any ID? :'''SpongeBob''': I have my milkshake dispenser operator license. :'''Patrick''': ''[looks at it]'' Looks fake to me pal! Bye-Bye now! :'''SpongeBob''': Well, I guess I had best be going! ''[Pretends to walk away]'' I'm walking away...Here I go... ''[quietly]'' I'm gone now! ''[hides on Patrick's antenna]'' :'''Patrick''': You sure? :'''SpongeBob''': I'm sure! ''[Patrick comes out, he jumps at him]'' Hi, Patrick! Time to ''SHARE!'' :'''Patrick''': DECEIVER! You didn't leave at all!! :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, and you were washing your hair!?! :'''Patrick''': I was too, See? ''[shows his armpit hair]'' <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': [Surprised] Gary was so right about you! You're a non-sharer! :'''Patrick''': Gary said that? You're off my friend list, Gary!! :'''Gary''': Meow. [turns and slithers back into SpongeBob's house] :'''SpongeBob''': Hand it over, Patrick! ''I'' get to play with the Patty Pal today! :'''Patrick''': You can't take it, It's not fair! :'''SpongeBob''': How about I take it for ''half'' a day? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': How about we trade off every ''hour''? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': Every ''half'' hour? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': Every ''fifteen minutes''? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': ''Five'' minutes? :'''Patrick''': Mm-mm! :'''SpongeBob''': ''One'' minute? :'''Patrick''': N-n-no! :'''SpongeBob''': Okay then, for our final offer we trade off every ''second!'' :''[They pass Patty Pal back and fourth every second]'' :'''Patrick''': One. :'''SpongeBob''': One. :'''Patrick''': One. :''[Pause, Patrick runs off while SpongeBob tears himself angrily]'' ===''Kracked Krabs (15.2)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs:''': Lad, you're surrounded by stingy wisdom, so try to pick up some pointers. But whatever you do, don't lend anyone money! :'''SpongeBob:''': ''[lending money to another crab]'' 25, 26... ==Episode 16== ===''The Curse of Bikini Bottom (16.1)''=== ===''Squidward in Clarinetland (16.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': Order up, SpongeBob! :''[walk towards SpongeBob]'' :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob! What do you think you're doing? You're supposed to be fry cooking. I told you not to touch my stuff! :'''SpongeBob''': I didn't! I wore protective gloves! And besides, don't you like how classy it look now? :'''Squidward''': Velvet.. :'''SpongeBob''': Now I'd like to stand by and idly chat with you, Squidward, But I must attend to my Krusty Krab duties! In the future, please keep your interruptions to a minimum sir, please! <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Hey, come back! I need my clarinet! Come Back! Where are you? Sponge- :''[bumps into an eagle head]'' :'''Eagle''': I am the keeper of the horned forest, state your business here. :'''Squidward''': uuhh.. I'm.. trying to find my clarinet. :'''Eagle''': ''Your'' clarinet? :'''Squidward:''': Yes, my clarinet! Which I am the proud owner. :''[Eagle laughs]'' :'''Eagle''': A clarinet is not owned. Why don't you tell me why you're really here? :'''Squidward''': You calling me a ''LIAR?!'' :''[Eagle grabs Squidward with his tongue]'' :'''Eagle''': I don't appreciate your tone. :'''Squidward''': I'm sorry I-I-I didn't mean to offend you. :'''Eagle''': This is a sacred place where clarinets live without persecution. You need to learn respect. :'''Squidward''': ''[Eagle squeezed squidward tightly]'' I've learned.. ''[loosely]'' I've learned respect... :'''Eagle''': I don't believe you. :''[Swallows Squidward and he ends up in the stomach, Squidward sees SpongeBob]'' ==''[[w:SpongeBob's Last Stand|SpongeBob's Last Stand (Episode 17)]]''== :'''SpongeBob''': Okay everyone, say goodbye to the worst thing that's happened to this town since 97 cent stores. :'''Everyone''': YEAH! ''[SpongeBob tries to break the highway with the tractor, but it just stopped]'' :'''Plankton''': Good effort, Spongedope, but you can't tear up my highway, it's indestructible! :'''Larry Lobster''': Not if we have anything to do with it! :'''SpongeBob''': Larry Lobster! :'''Larry Lobster''': That's right, pal, but that's not all. ''[Sandy walks out from the crowd, waving]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Sandy Squirrel! ''[Mrs. Puff walks out of the crowd]'' Mrs. Puff! ''[Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy both walk out from the crowd]'' Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy! ''[Patrick walks walk out from the crowd]'' Patrick! :'''Patrick''': Su-Su-Su-Su! :'''SpongeBob''': And Squidward! ''[Squidward doesn't walk out from the crowd]'' :'''Fish 3''': Nope, that's everybody! :'''Larry Lobster''': Push! ''[He, Patrick, Mrs. Puff, Mermaid Man, Barnacle Boy and Sandy push]'' Harder!!!!! ''[They push harder]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Harder still! :'''Fish 3''': You heard the little square guy, yeah! ''[Everybody lines up behind the tractor and pushes it]'' :'''Plankton''': Wait! I didn't count on all of you working together! ''[Everybody pushes hard enough that the highway breaks!]'' My highway! STOP! YOU CAN'T! ''[Plankton gets crushed by the tractor!]'' :'''Everyone''': YEAH! ''[The arch over the Krusty Krab breaks down in a pile of dust and the smog clears]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': Praise Neptune. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[Singing]'' ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, it's the jellyfishing song!'' :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''SpongeBob''': ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, everyone sing along!'' :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''Everyone''': ''[Singing]'' Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, it's the jellyfishing song! :'''Jellyfish''': Clap! :'''Everyone''': ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly everyone siiiiinnnnggggg!'' ''[The camera zooms out and we cut to the Jellyfish Fields ranger]'' :'''Ranger''': ''[bored voice]'' Everyone sing along. ''[switches the "closed" sign to "open," and then walks away]'' ==Episode XVIII== ===''Back to the Past (XVIII.I)''=== :'''Mermaid Men''': ::'''#2:''' ''[running out of the time machine along with the second Barnacle Boy, Spongebob and Patrick]'' Keep your tongue out of my tarter sauce! ::'''#1:''' Imposters! ::'''#2:''' Who are you calling imposter, imposter? I must prevent our tarter sauce from being eaten by that... ''[pans to Patrick]'' ...That fool! ::'''#1:''' If I want to get near my tarter sauce, I gotta go through me first! ::'''#2:''' I’m gonna make you eat those words! ::'''#1:''' Bring It! ''[gets "slapped"]'' Take this! ''["punches" himself's hair]'' I’ll never let you win! ::'''#2:''' Oh, yes I will! ::'''Young:''' What do you make of this, Barnacle Boy? :'''Young Barnacle Boy''': Tangled Timeline, Mermaid Man. I... :'''Man Ray''': ''[laughs wickedly]'' You old coots provided me the perfect distraction. Now prepare to be disappeared! :'''Young Mermaid Man''': Sounds good on paper, you purveyor of pure evil, but, fortunately, we all know what happens to paper underwater. Barnacle Boy, the tartar sauce. ''[pours tartar sauce on the Second Man Ray]'' :'''Patrick 2''': Wow! I've never eaten that much tartar sauce. :'''Patrick 1''': Yes, you have. :'''Patrick 2''': Well, it sure ain't sittin' right. :'''Man Ray''': ''[laughs wickedly]'' Foolish mools. Once again, your buffoonery has given me victory! ''[blows up the tartar sauce can and laughs wickedly]'' Oh, I'm going to savor this. It's not every day I get to defeat Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy three times over! ''[is about to shoot two SpongeBobs, Patrick, two Old Mermaid Mans and Barnacle Boys but another time machine comes]'' :'''SpongeBob 2''': ''[He along with the second Patrick comes out of the machine]'' Patrick, don’t eat the tartar sauce! :'''Man Ray''': You’re too late! Your fat friend beat you to it. Now, prepare to taste laser! ''[another time machine comes, which it opens, and the third SpongeBob and Patrick are falling, screaming]'' So how... :'''SpongeBob 4''': ''[The time machine door with the fourth SpongeBob and Patrick]'' I told you we had to go back farther! :'''Man Ray''': Uh... ''[Tries to think but another time machine comes]'' :'''Mermaid Man 3''': Up, up, and away! ''[The third Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy jump out and fall to the ground]'' :'''SpongeBob 5''': ''[another time machine opens with the fifth Patrick also]'' Now, Patrick! ''[He along with the fifth Patrick pour tartar sauce on the third Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy and drop the can on them]'' :'''Man Ray''': I can't get my head around this. Where are they all coming from? ''[Man Ray 2's machine comes]'' Another machine? ''[Man Ray 2 comes out]'' :'''Man Ray 2''': ''[shoots his own whole time machine and laughs wickedly]'' I took care of your blasted time machine! ''[laughs again and flies away]'' :'''Man Ray''': Uh! I got to sit down and think this through. :'''Young Mermaid Man''': ''[chains Man Ray]'' Gotta! You've got plenty of time for thinking in the stony lonesome. :'''Man Ray''': I'm sorry, did you say something? I'm still trying to comprehend what just happened here. :'''Young Mermaid Man''': It's pretty simple, really. You were defeated by a convoy of continuum-cruising crime stoppers. Thank you, SpongeBob and Patrick. :'''Four SpongeBobs and Two Patricks''': You're welcome! :'''SpongeBob 6 and Patrick 6''': ''[another time machine which holds seven SpongeBobs and six Patricks comes]'' Oh, hi there! Hello! Hello! Hello! :'''One Other Patrick''': Hey! Oh, I can't believe it! :'''One Other SpongeBob''': We just wanted to come back and revisit the day that evil was defeated forever. :'''SpongeBob 7''': ''[another time machine appears]'' Hey, how you doing? :'''Patrick 7''': We're here. :'''Eighth and Ninth SpongeBobs and Patricks''': ''[two time machines appear]'' Oh, hi there! How you doing? :'''Tenth SpongeBob and Patrick''': Hello! Hello! :'''Even More SpongeBobs and Patricks''': ''[more appear]'' Oh hi there! ''[More and more appear while the episode pans into outer space]'' Hello! Hello! ===''The Bad Guy Club for Villains (XVIII.II)''=== :'''Patrick''': Hey, what happened? Why are those squiggles on the screen? :'''SpongeBob''': Those are called "End Credits", Patrick. :'''Patrick''': End credits? But I don't want it to end! :'''SpongeBob''': That's why Neptune gave us the rewind button! ''[pushes a button]'' :'''Patrick''': Thank you, Neptune! ''[The screen goes back to the beginning and zooms in before the episode ends]'' ==Episode 19== ===''A Day Without Tears (19.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': He was a good little Krabby Patty. [sniffs] I didn't know him well, but in the few short seconds between grill and floor, I--[opens the trash lid and begins crying]--I came to love him! [the patty slowly slides off his spatula and into the trash bin] It just isn't fair! [he cries even louder, soaking and enraging Squidward from the counter window] :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob, will you stop crying?! :'''SpongeBob''': But the Krabby Patty fell on the floor and then he... :'''Squidward''': Krabby Patty nothing! :'''SpongeBob''': I-- :'''Squidward''': ''[shouting]'' ''KRABBY PATTY '''NOTHING!!!!''''' ''[breathes heavily. SpongeBob whimpers]'' What now? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[stifled]'' You yelled at me... ''[wailing]'' '''YOU YELLED AT ME!!!!!!!''''' ''[continues sobbing]'' :'''Squidward''': All right, look. So far today, and it's not even 2:00 yet, you have cried 43 times. :'''SpongeBob''': And you wrote that number on a chalkboard. :'''Squidward''': Yes! :'''SpongeBob''': Why? :'''Squidward''': [pauses for a second] I have no idea. :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, Squidward, there's no way I cry that much. There's not that many tears in my brain. :'''Squidward''': Au contraire. [turns on a TV] :'''SpongeBob''': What's this? :'''Squidward''': It's a quick montage of flashbacks I've edited together that shows the hundreds of tears you have cried over the years. :''[the video begins to play, showing SpongeBob crying in the Krusty Krab, in a grocery store, at Mrs. Puff's Boating School, in Jellyfish Fields, in the bathroom, and more like near a bus stop for no reason]'' :'''SpongeBob''': [in the video] Boo! Hoo! Boohoo! Sob. Whimper. :'''Narrator''': Thousands of tears later... :''[SpongeBob continues to watch himself crying in the video]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Wow, guess I do cry a lot. I promise I won't cry anymore. :'''Squidward''': Oh, nonsense! I bet you can't go the rest of the day without crying. :'''SpongeBob''': [realizes something] Excuse me a minute. [he walks up to a rotary telephone and dials it, Patrick appears lazily sitting on his couch when his own phone rings] :'''Patrick''': [answers it] Star... residence. Patrick speaking. :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Patrick. :'''Patrick''': Hey, buddy! Is it 7:30 already? :'''SpongeBob''': No, I'm still at work. :'''Patrick''': How can I help you? :'''SpongeBob''': Do you think that I could go the rest of the day without crying? :'''Patrick''': [mouth full with popcorn] Well, of course you can. :'''SpongeBob''': Okay, great, thanks, Patrick. :'''Patrick''': Umm... sure. And did you remember to put that package outside where I told you? :'''SpongeBob''': Yeah, but I left it in a different spot. Just ask Gary, he knows where it is. :'''Patrick''': Oh, yeah. [laughs with his mouth full] Hey, good one, buddy. You almost had me there. :'''SpongeBob''': [chuckles] Okay. :'''Patrick''': Yeah, talk to you later. :'''SpongeBob''': All right, see ya. [hangs up, then walks back up to Squidward] Okay, it's a bet. :'''Squidward''': [shakes SpongeBob's hand] Fine. If you cry one tear before midnight, you have to... [thinks] Wash my bike, clean out my rain gutters, and do all my yard work for a year. :'''SpongeBob''': Sounds fair to me. And if I make it to midnight without crying, you'll come to a slumber party at my place. Just you and me. [Squidward retches and swallows] Ooh, what's the matter? :'''Squidward''': Um, nothing, I just threw up a little in my mouth. [begins talking in his thoughts] No need to worry, Squiddy. You've outdone yourself. He'll be crying in ten minutes. ===''Summer Job (19.2)''=== ==Episode 20== ===''One Coarse Meal (20.1)''=== :'''Karen''': My triumphant husband returns. How'd you fail this time? :'''Plankton''': Krabs had a whale! :'''Karen''': You mean his big, bad, scary teenage daughter? :'''Plankton''': I hear that mocking tone in your voice, Karen, and I don't appreciate it! Don't you remember what happened to my ancestors at the hands of those beasts?! :''[Plankton's family is shown being eaten by a whale]'' :'''Karen''': Okay, when you need a break from your delusional paranoia, the trash needs some attention. It's ripened. <hr width=50%> :'''Plankton''': ''[crying]'' What's the point of going on? I'll just be tortured for the rest of my life by that whale! ''[lies down]'' That's it. I'm done. The 4:15 bus should be along any time now. :'''SpongeBob''': Hi, Plankton. What are you doing laying in the middle of the road? :'''Plankton''': Go away, Cheese head! Can't you see I'm trying to get run over?! In fact, better yet, just step on me as hard as you can. Would you do that for me? :'''SpongeBob''': I'm sorry, Plankton, but that flies in the face of my good nature. :'''Plankton''': Forget it, kid. I'll just wait for the next bus. Go on back to the Krusty Krab and enjoy yourself. ===''Gary In Love (20.2)''=== ==Episode 21== ===''The Play's the Thing (21.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Squidward, no! Those patties aren't fit for public consumption! :'''Squidward''': Here, enjoy! <hr width=60%> :'''SpongeBob''': ''[tries not to cry]'' Bless you all. :'''Patrick''': I like throwing food. ''[chucks a burnt Krabby Patty at SpongeBob]'' :'''SpongeBob''': OW!! :'''All''': ''FOOD FIGHT!!!!'' <hr width=60%> :'''Squidward''': AAAAAHH!!! :'''Patrick''': Haw haw! Ah haw haw! ''[hurls an anchor]'' ===''Rodeo Daze (21.2)''=== ==External links== {{Wikipedia|SpongeBob SquarePants (season 7)}} [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants seasons]] [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]] 1ccf13ir2rv9sklt90xe4qhkwuyatoo 0 177495 3157938 3156670 2022-08-25T21:14:18Z 162.197.99.132 /* MaternoTron Knows Best */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1|1]] [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2|2]] [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3|3]] | [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius|'''Main''']] ---- '''''[[w:The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius]]''''' is a show that ran on Nickelodeon from 2002–2006. The show follows the life of genius kid Jimmy Neutron and his friends and family. It is also based on the 2001 CGI film ''[[Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (film)|Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]''. ===''A Beautiful Mine''=== :'''Jimmy''': Take a look, everyone. We're the first humans to set foot on an asteroid. :'''Sheen''': Wow, fascinating. Okay, I'm bored. <hr width=50%> :'''Libby''': Aah! Our rubies! :'''Jimmy''': These aren't real aster-rubies. They're fool's rubies. :'''Cindy''': Fool's rubies? :'''Jimmy''': They're spectral signature is almost identical to aster-rubies. The scanner mistook them for the real thing. Looks like we came all this way for nothing. :'''Sheen''': Bummer. Can I keep playing with my shovel? <hr width=50%> :'''Libby''': How could you misread your own readings? :'''Cindy''': Yeah, Neutron. I'll bet there are more rocks in your big head than there are in this stupid asteroid. What are we supposed to do now? :'''Jimmy''': I don't know. We could spend years searching the rest of the belt. We'd just be wasting our time. :'''Sheen''': Hey, look on the bright side, guys. At least we still have our health. ''[bites his burrito and feels a pain in his tooth]'' Ow! Carl, what did you put in this burrito?! :'''Carl''': Nothing. Just some rice from the galley and some beans I found growing in the ground. <hr width=50%> :'''Libby''': I'll give three seconds to get away from my ruby stash! :'''Sheen''': What are you talking about? I was just going to the little miner's rooms. :'''Libby''': Like you had no idea these were here. :'''Sheen''': Hey, sweet hiding place. My rubies are over there by that strange rock formation. You made me tell! You want my rubies you jewel thief?! :'''Libby''': Gem stealer! :'''Carl''': Ruby madness! Ruby madness! :'''Cindy''': Will you stop shouting that?! :'''Libby''': Hey tried to raid my ruby stash! :'''Cindy''': ''[scoffs]'' You told me your stash by the rocket. You lied! :'''Libby''': So what?! I happened to know you lied about your hiding place! :'''Cindy''': Liar! :'''Libby''': Crook! :'''Carl''': Ruby madness. :'''Libby, Sheen, and Cindy''': BE QUIET! :'''Jimmy''': What's wrong with you guys?! You've been fighting ever since we got rid of those stupid bandits. Are we gonna let a few priceless gems turns us into savages? ===''Sorry, Wrong Era''=== :'''High''': Oh, I could do this for hours! :'''Libby''': Mr. Neutron, please! You're giving us massive brain freeze! <hr width=50%> :'''Hugh''': ''[low growling, slurping]'' Oh, Sam. I could eat your ice cream all day long. So I think I will. ''[rewinding]'' :'''All''': Ew! That's disgusting! Horrible! Gross! :'''Sam''': You've been re-eating the same ice cream for hours! It's disgusting-- you're out of here! :'''Hugh''': ''[gasps]'' You're right Sam. Mustn't overdo a good thing. Well, I'll just be going. Just let me finish my Purple Flurp. ''[belches and repeats]'' :'''All''': Gross. Stop. :''[Hugh belches and repeats]'' :'''Sam''': Sweet mercy. ''[faints]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Watch out for its retractable claws… unless it spits venom, then watch out for having your eyes dissolved. :'''Sheen''': Wha -- how can I watch if my eyes are dissolved? :'''Carl''': No, watch ''before'' they're dissolved! :'''Sheen''': Watch my eyes? That doesn't make any sense. :'''Jimmy''': Guys, please! <hr width=50%> :''[The townspeople angrily show up at the Neutron residence, carrying Hugh as Judy opens the door]'' :'''Hugh''': Hi, Sugarbooger. ''[the townspeople set him down]'' Remember how I promised I'd never be brought home by an angry mob again? :'''Sam''': He disgusted all my customers, yeah! :'''Libby''': He gave us brain freeze! :'''Maggie''': He made me experience the miracle of birth again and again and again! ''[breaks down, sobbing]'' :'''Sam''': Yeah, yeah, birth. :'''Judy''': All right, everyone. I'll handle things from here. :'''Sam''': Somebody give me a ride home now. :'''Hugh''': Now, Sugarbooger, I know it looks like I may have misused the power to control time and space for my own advantage, but on the positive side… :'''Judy''': Mm-hmm. ''[grabs Hugh by the ear]'' :'''Hugh''': Ow! Honey, that's my ear. I use it to listen with. Ow! <hr width=50%> :''[Judy puts Hugh in a cage as punishment]'' :'''Jimmy''': What a relief. All the changes we made don't seem to have altered the timeline. ''[enters the house]'' Mom, Dad, I'm back! ''[sees his father in a cage]'' Oh, no! We ''did'' alter the timeline! We created a world where human males are slaves to a race of female warriors! :'''Sheen''': Oh, no! ''[he and Carl run out of the house to Cindy and Libby]'' :'''Carl''': Have mercy, mighty overlords. :'''Sheen''': Spare us and we shall serve you well! :''[Cindy and Libby look at each other, baffled]'' :'''Judy''': Sweetie, relax. I just put your father in there to keep him from annoying the townspeople. Now, you were saying Hugh? :'''Hugh''': I'm sorry, honey. ''[Judy rewinds]'' I'm sorry, honey. ''[Judy rewinds again]'' I'm sorry, honey. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Whoa! Deja vu! ===''The Retroville 9''=== :''[Sheen catches a ball Jimmy threw]'' :'''Miss Fowl''': Ball three! :'''Sheen''': Ball 3?! That was right down the middle. I've seen better calls at a square dance! :'''Miss Fowl''': Jimmy's throwing lollipops. The day he throws down Broadway is the day I dance on the moon! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tremendous Jackson''': Somewhere in the Rytridian Galaxy, Ultralord weeps. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheen''': [Upon seeing Bonzilla] ''That's'' Bonzilla!? What a ripoff! He's only ten inches tall! He's a pipsqueak! He can't even breath fire- [Bonzilla breathes fire at Sheen, causing him to scream in pain] Uh, Jimmy? What's the Japanese word for "ambulance"? ===''Grumpy Young Men''=== :''(Opening shot: Iris into a close up of a purple-yellow monster, cut to a terrified Carl, then a frightened lady, followed by a terrified Sheen, it is revealed to be a poster at a video store visited by Jimmy, Carl and Sheen)'' :'''Jimmy''': I don't know, guys. $15 is a lot of money. :'''Carl''': Well, Doombringer II is a lot of game, Jim. :'''Sheen''': Now, remember ''(he takes hand of the said game)'' it's for mature players only, so act even more maturer-er than we usually do. I'll try and grow a mustache. ''(tries to do so, only to realize nothing happens)'' :'''Jimmy''': My dad's over 18. I'll act like him. :''(Cut to Doombringer II and three dollar bills and four grey coins being placed in the counter by Jimmy with Carl with ice cream in the background)'' :'''Jimmy''': (mature-ish) Well, howdy there, Clerky Clerkotron. :'''Clerky Clerkotron''': ''(hands the objects)'' Beat it kids, this game is for mature players only, due to violence, exaggerated mayhem and old lady kicking. :'''Sheen''': That's not fair! We're highly mature! ''(pounds fist)'' I demand my constipational rights! ''(Clerky kicks the boys out of the store; pointing his finger up)'' How dare he throw your father out of the store?! :'''Jimmy''': Come on guys, Let's go do something "age-appropriate." :''(They leave the scene, except for Sheen who gets the rest of his body back to the scene. About to return to the store, with a grin on his face)'' :'''Sheen''': Hey you! Check it out! I'm staring at it with both eyes, and you can't stop me! ''(but the clerk throws the ice cream onto Sheen's eye)'' I stand corrected. <hr width=50%> :''[Jimmy screams in the mirror after seeing he's old. Goddard screams like a teen girl after seeing Jimmy old. Doorbell rings. Cuts to Jimmy answering the door, only to scream again.]'' :'''Old Carl''': Jimmy, is that you way over there? :'''Old Jimmy''': Guys! Something went horribly wrong! :'''Old Sheen''': Oh, gee you think? And another thing: kids today wear their pants too low! They're down under their stomachs, for cryin' out loud! <hr width=50%> :'''Old Carl''': Jimmy, are you sure your mom wants us to drive her car? :'''Old Jimmy''': Carl, I'm at least 75 years old. I think I can make my own decision. :'''Old Sheen''': Hey! I know what you're doing! You're trying to take me to the nursing home! ''[pounds on the car's window]'' Let me out! Let me out! :'''Old Carl''': Sheen, careful! This car's going an excess of 7 miles. :''[They park into a Candy Bar parking lot]'' :'''Old Sheen''': You know, when I was a kid, the sky was bluer! And a quarter would buy you groceries for a week! :'''Old Jimmy''': Gas planet. Does anyone remember what we drove down here to get? :'''Old Carl''': Well, I'd like a canary to talk to while I watch TV and eat soup. :'''Old Jimmy''': ''[sees a titanium and gift card store across the street]'' Ha! Titanium! That's it! ''[walks slowly to the store]'' :'''Old Sheen''': I think Jimmy wants us to follow him. :'''Old Carl''': Yeah. 'Course I always wanted to try the senior's buffet at the Candy Bar. :'''Old Sheen''': Right behind you, my wrinkled friend. <hr width=50%> :'''Sam''': Hey, Oldilocks, what's the big idea, you and your bingo buddy takin' all the rice pudding from the buffet? :'''Old Sheen''': It says "Seniors Eat Dessert Free"! :'''Sam''': You're supposed to buy an entree first! :'''Old Carl''': We did. I had a hamburger in here yesterday. :''[Carl and Sheen laugh.]'' :'''Old Carl''': Oh, my spleen. <hr width=50%> :'''Old Jimmy''': Now, what was it I wanted? Something starting with a "T." Tostadas, turpentine? :'''Hugh''': Well, hey, old-timer. I like the way you're wearing your pants. I've been thinking of wearing mine more like that, maybe growing out my nose hair a little bit. You look familiar. :'''Old Jimmy''': Oh, no, I'm just a strange old man, not your son after screwing up an experiment. :'''Hugh''': ''[chuckles]'' I know. You remind me of my father, except you're not always saying, "Huey, I told you, toothpaste isn't food." :'''Old Jimmy''': Not possible. I don't have any family. :'''Hugh''': What? Oh, well, that's terrible. Come on. Come with me, I'll get you a nice home-cooked meal. :'''Old Jimmy''': B-but I can't. I have to buy something with a "T." :'''Hugh''': I'll get you a nice cup of tea. :'''Old Jimmy''': Let go! :'''Hugh''': Come on. :'''Old Jimmy''': I said, let me go! <hr width=50%> :'''Judy''': Here's your dinner. I put it in the blender first so the chewing doesn't tire you out. :'''Hugh''': So what did you do before you retired, old-timer? :'''Old Jimmy''': I can't even remember what I'm supposed to be doing now, but I think it's real important. :'''Hugh''': Well, you know, maybe if we guess, it'll jog your memory. Let's see. Did it involve swinging heavy things? :'''Old Jimmy''': N-No, I don't think so. :'''Hugh''': Well, that eliminates lumberjack and executioner. <hr width=50%> :''[last lines]'' :'''Jimmy''': Carl, what are you eating? :'''Carl''': Just some prune whip from you lab. :'''Jimmy''': Carl, there ''wasn't'' any prune whip. That's my experimental truth telling serum! :'''Carl''': Oh, Jimmy that's ridic… I stole Jimmy's toast the other day. Sometimes, I dream about girls. :'''Jimmy''': Maybe we better go. :'''Carl''': I don't think Ultralord exists… :'''Sheen''': LALALALALA! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! :'''Carl''': My mom is really 42. I just ripped-- :'''Sheen''': <big>'''MAKE HIM STOP!'''</big> ===''Nightmare in Retroville''=== :'''Jimmy''': This is my 27th greatest invention ever. Behold, the Neutronic Monster Maker! :'''Sheen''': Sweet name. :'''Jimmy''': Simply select a monster, step under the cone of creation, and it'll realign your molecules to make you look like that monster-- down to each horrifying atom. :'''Carl''': Cool! But Sheen, you got to promise that when you're scary, you won't scare me. :'''Sheen''': My word is my bond. :'''Jimmy''': I've downloaded every monster imaginable. I have 102 different monsters to choose from. Here are your choices. ''[clears throat]'' A werewolf… :'''Sheen''': That's it-- I want to be the wolf guy! :'''Jimmy''': Sheen, I have 101 other monsters. :'''Sheen''': I know, Jimmy, but it's been my lifelong dream to be covered in hair. :'''Jimmy''': All right, werewolf it is. What about you, Carl? The Hunchback of Notre Dame? :'''Carl''': Uh… too hunchy. :'''Jimmy''': The blob? :'''Carl''': Too blobby. :'''Jimmy''': The Phantom of the Opera? :'''Carl''': Too Opera-y. :'''Jimmy''': Frankenstein? :'''Sheen''': "Frahnkenshteen." :'''Carl''': No, I don't like his wardrobe. I'm more of a summer. ''[gasps]'' Who's the guy with the cape? :'''Jimmy''': Dracula. :'''Carl''': Yeah, he has a cape. I want to be Dracula! :'''Jimmy''': All right, Dracula and a werewolf it is. <hr width=50%> :'''Vampire Carl''': I want more! I need blood! :'''Sheen''': You need counseling. :'''Vampire Carl''': Must have blood! Listen to them, the children of the night. What music they make. I must join them! ''[changes into his bat form and flies away]'' Bye, you guys! See you later! :'''Sheen''': That was weird. But totally awesome! I wanna turn into a bat! I wanna fly! Make me a bat, Jimmy! Make me a bat! :'''Jimmy''': I didn't do that! Carl just changed into a vampire bat on his own. :'''Sheen''': But it's Halloween. What do you expect? :'''Jimmy''': The monster maker must've mutated Carl's molecular structure on a subatomic level, altering his DNA! :'''Sheen''': And now again in English. :'''Jimmy''': He's a ''real'' vampire! <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': This is going to be a memorable Halloween, Goddard… if we survive. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': I can't believe Carl and Sheen turned into a real vampire and werewolf! I've got to capture them and turn them back. Goddard, access vampire data so I know what I'm dealing with. ''[Goddard does so]'' '''"Vampires feed on the blood of the living. They can turn their victims into vampires and are repelled by garlic. They can only be destroyed by a wooden stake driven into their heart."''' What have you got on werewolves? :'''Miss Fowl''': ''[dressed as a fortune teller; mysteriously]'' Even a man who is pure of heart, and says his prayers by night, may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms, and the autumn moon is bright. :'''Jimmy''': Uh… hi, Miss Fowl. How do you know about werewolves? :'''Miss Fowl''': I was married to one, but that's a story for a another day. :'''Jimmy''': Uh, anything else I should know? :'''Miss Fowl''': Well, they can turn other people into werewolves by biting them, and they can only be destroyed by a silver… :'''Jimmy''': Bullet? :'''Miss Fowl''': Cane, spoon, hairbrush-- anything else silver. Okay, Happy Halloween. Don't forget to floss. <hr width=50%> :'''Vampire Carl''': Look into my eyes. I mean, if you don't mind. :'''Cindy''': Why the heck would… :'''Vampire Carl''': Look into my eyes! :'''Cindy''': ''[being hypnotized]'' Yes, master. :'''Vampire Carl''': What is your blood type? :'''Cindy''': A-positive, master. :'''Vampire Carl''': Mmm, how positively delicious. ''[hisses and bites her neck as she screams, turning her into a vampire]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Vampire Cindy''': Libby, did you do something to your hair? :'''Werewolf Libby''': No. Are you using teeth whitener? :'''Vampire Cindy''': Look into my eyes. :'''Werewolf Libby''': No way! You look into ''my'' eyes while I take a big old bite out of you! <hr width=50%> :'''Judy''': ''[angrily whistles, stopping the fight]'' Stop fighting! You should be ashamed. Now you work this out among yourselves. I'm going home to hand out fruit snacks. I'll see you later, Hugh Neutron. <hr width=50%> :'''Sam''': Great flipping toadstools! Real monsters! We gotta destroy them! Quick go get some angry villagers, some torches, garlic, silver junk, and a beautiful red-headed woman named Tessie! :'''Miss Fowl''': We don't need a beautiful red-headed woman named Tessie. :'''Sam''': Speak for yourself. <hr width=50%> :'''Carl''': Hey, I don't want to drink blood anymore. :'''Cindy''': Yuck-- me neither. :'''Sheen''': Huh. I've lost all desire to consume human flesh. :'''Hugh''': Hey, I can speak in complete sentences. Now, where's my scary little Sugarbooger? :'''Judy''': ''[holding a plate of banana balls and prune puffs]'' Right here, you monster. Who's up for banana balls and prune puffs? :''[Everyone expresses in disgust]'' :'''Cindy''': We want Candy. :'''Libby''': We never got to go trick-or-treating. :'''Sheen''': And we left behind all our candy when we changed into monsters. :'''Carl''': I bet it's gone by now. :'''Hugh''': No candy on Halloween? That is scary. :'''Octopus Man Jimmy''': Don't worry. ''I'' can fix that. ===''Monster Hunt''=== :'''Jimmy''': Carl, Sheen, to the lake! ''[cut to Carl screaming as they're at the lake]'' You gonna keep doing that? :'''Carl''': I'm sorry, Jim. I just have some bad associations with this lake. :'''Sheen''': Everyone has something they're afraid of Carl. For me, it's the crawl space under grandma's house. For you, it's a stupid lake! :'''Jimmy''': What happened here, Carl? :'''Carl''': Well, two years ago, I came here with my pet turtle, Snappy. He was my best friend, but I was allergic to him. So I had to release him right here on this beach. And ever since, the lake has filled me with feelings of nausea, blind terror, and then more nausea. ===''Jimmy for President''=== :'''Carl''': '''''AAAAH!''''' ''[gets down on his knees to Miss Fowl]'' Cindy gave me a dollar to vote for Libby, Sheen was blackmailing me with a photo, and Jimmy was playing the best friend card and using scantily clad women! :'''Miss Fowl''': ''[angrily glares at Jimmy, Sheen, Cindy, and Libby; The three whistle while Cindy checks her nails]'' It looks like some of our candidates have been found guilty of bribery, blackmail, and <u>''MURDER!''</u> ''[class screams]'' Sorry, not murder. I meant operating a zeppelin on school premises. Anyway, they're all illegal campaign activities, which means Jimmy, '''''SHEEN''''' and Libby have been disqualified! ===''Return of the Nanobots''=== ===''Holly Jolly Jimmy''=== :'''Cindy''': ''[as Santa gives both her and Libby lumps of coal]'' A lump of coal?! :'''Libby''': Do me a favor-- the next time I suggest we humiliate somebody, '''DON'T LISTEN!''' ===''Love Potion #976/J''=== :'''Jimmy''': This is dumb. The only female I've ever been attracted to is [[w: Marie Curie|Madame Curie]], the mother of modern radiology-- in a purely platonic way, of course. <hr width=50%> :'''Carl''': ''[singing]'' Oh, Judy, well you came and you make me some cookies? Will you- ''[sees Hugh is walking out, gasps]'' What we have is beautiful and you can't destroy it. :'''Hugh''': Alrighty then. :''[Carl dings the triangle 6 times.]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Britney & Libby''': Ahh! :'''Jimmy''': I can't talk, I can't think. Everywhere I go, you're there! :'''Cindy''': What kind of sick joke is this? :'''Jimmy''': Oh, you're gonna make me say it, aren't you? Alright then, I'll say it.....I love you Cindy Vortex! ''[echoes]'' :''[Cindy, Britney and Libby gasp. They all laugh. Cindy splats ice cream in Jimmy's face. Sam stops laughing and mad walks to Jimmy.]'' :'''Jimmy''': Mmm… pecan ripple your favorite. :'''Sam''': You messy little hooligan! I just cleaned that floor 8 months ago! You're out of here! Yeah, yeah. ===''Sheen's Brain''=== :'''Sheen''': Hey, guys! Man, that test was cake! I didn't know whether to answer the questions to put frosting on 'em, am I right? Am I right? :'''Jimmy''': Actually, Sheen, I thought it was fairly challenging. :'''Sheen''': Challenging? My grandma's Chihuahua could've aced it. I thought connect-the-dots drawings that were harder. :'''Miss Fowl''': ''[sticking out of the classroom door]'' SHEEN!!! :'''Sheen''': Exqueeze me, Miss Fowl probably wants to congratulate me on a job well done. :''[Cut to Sheen's failed history test up-close, with every question answered in Ultra Lord themed topics]'' :'''Jimmy and Carl''': Quadruple F-minus? :'''Sheen''': Well, how was I supposed to know Ultra Lord wasn't the father of our country? That's what it says on the Ultra Lord website! :'''Jimmy''': Wait, didn't ''you'' write the Ultra Lord website? :'''Sheen''': Your point? ''[Jimmy rolls his eyes]'' Oh. Anyway, Miss Fowl said if I don't pass tomorrow's math final, I'm gonna be left back! :'''Jimmy''': Left back?! That's terrible! :'''Sheen''': Tell me about it! I can't be in a class with a bunch of babies who wet their pants and cry for their mommies! <hr width=50%> :''[The Candy Bar; Sheen, with his head increased in size, is having an argument with Sam over a jar of jelly beans]'' :'''Sheen''': I said, give me my free sundae! :'''Sam''': And I said there's no way you could've known there were 12,082 beans in that jar without cheating, yeah! :'''Sheen''': I told you, I used a complex algorithm, based on the dimensions of the jar! :'''Sam''': Uh-huh. Yesterday you thought seashells were money. Today you're using algorithms? :'''Sheen''': Yesterday, I wasn't a genius! Now give me my ice cream, monkey boy! ''[grabs and pulls Sam by the shirt; turns around to Carl]'' I heard that, Carl! :'''Carl''': I didn't say anything. :'''Sheen''': I heard your thoughts! You think I'm being an annoying doofus?! ''[turns back around]'' :'''Jimmy''': ''[arrives with the Brain Drain helmet]'' Carl, I found the Brain Drain helmet and got here as fast as I… ''[notices Sheen's increased head]'' Leapin' leptons! What happened to Sheen's head?! :'''Cindy''': Neutron, this has ''your'' stink all over it! :'''Carl''': Jimmy, Sheen's brain is still growing! And he's also being an annoying doofus. :'''Sheen''': I knew it! :'''Jimmy''': Sheen, the math test is over, so it's time to turn you back to normal. :'''Sheen''': I don't want to go back! I'm seeing things clearly for the first time! Besides, everyone ''loves'' the new me! :'''Jimmy, Carl, Cindy, Libby, Nick, and Butch''': NO, WE DON'T! :'''Sheen''': '''SILENCE!!!''' :''[All the lights in the Candy Bar go out]'' :'''Jimmy''': Trust me, Sheen. You don't want to be a genius, always having to help people with homework… :'''Libby''': Always endangering the town with your stupid inventions… :'''Cindy''': Always being a pain in the butt… :'''Jimmy''': Nobody asked you! ''(to Sheen)'' So I'm just gonna put this helmet back on your head, and-- :'''Sheen''': Don't come any closer, Neutron! :'''Jimmy''': Butch, Nick, grab him! :''[Butch and Nick grab hold of him by one hand of the other]'' :'''Sheen''': ''(maliciously)'' You disappoint me, Jimmy. ''[pushes Jimmy backwards across the floor as it breaks up in a line and starts laughing evilly with an evil grin; after commercial break, telekinetically pushes out Butch and Nick]'' :'''Sam''': Hey, little big head! I just cleaned there! :'''Sheen''': ''[rising from his seat and into the air]'' My intelligence is wasted here! I should be building empires, commanding armies! Today Retroville, tomorrow, '''''THE WORLD!''''' ''[conjures up a ball of lighting in his hands, launches it at the ceiling, creating a big hole, and flies out of the Candy Bar at vast speed]'' :'''Libby''': Don't tell me that's just hormones. :'''Jimmy''': I don't understand it! I was only trying to boost his IQ so he'd pass the math test! :'''Cindy''': Oh! ''[gets in his face]'' Is that all? And what if we all went around freakishly enlarging our friends' heads, huh?! :'''Butch''': Ooh! Me first! Me first! ''[pause; confused]'' Was that a rhetorical question? <hr width=50%> :''[Jimmy's lab]'' :'''Jimmy''': Vox, analyze Brain Gain helmet to determine maximum possible IQ increase. :'''Vox''': Analyzing… :''[The Maximum IQ counter on the lower right begins to count rapidly as the model of Sheen's head starts increasing to bigger size; the counter stops displaying three infinity symbols]'' :'''Jimmy''': It's just like I feared! If left unchecked, Sheen's IQ will keep growing to infinity! :'''Carl''': Wow, he'll be ''really'' good at board games. :'''Jimmy''': No, Carl. You don't understand. Sheen's brain is programmed to keep growing. If we don't get that Brain Drain helmet on him soon, his head will '''explode'''. :'''Carl''': (''screams terrifyingly'') Ewwwwww. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Hail, mighty overlord! :'''Sheen''': What the…? :'''Jimmy''': We have brought you a magnificent crown, crafted from the finest semiprecious metals, to celebrate your glorious reign. :'''Sheen''': Hmm… It is rather fetching. Bestow it on my head! Not you… (''points at Carl'') Carl. :'''Carl''': ''Baby llamas in the meadow. Baby llamas in the meadow. Oh no. One of them's escaping! He's heading towards town! "Town" rhymes with "crown"! '''JIMMY AND I DISGUISED THE BRAIN DRAIN HELMET AS A CROWN!!!''''' :'''Sheen''': I heard that! :'''Jimmy''': Sheen, please, we're trying to help you! Your brain is growing at a dangerously fast pace! :'''Sheen''': Silence! You have plotted against the overlord! Your insolence has angered me! <hr width=50%> :'''Sheen''': I control the wind, and I shall rain fire down from the heavens! Goodbye, Sheen the overlord! Hello, Sheen '''''THE GOD!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Sheen''': ''[in a loud, demonic booming voice]'' YOU ''DARE'' TO ORDER ME?! <big>'''FEEL THE WRATH OF MY BRAIN BOLT!!!!'''</big> ===''MaternoTron Knows Best''=== :'''Judy''': Here are your dinners. ''[sets the plates down on the table, releasing the serving covers]'' A ham and macaroni choo-choo for Hugh with cauliflower chimney smoke. For Jimmy, scallopini pfeffernüsse with mashed potatoes in the shape of Einstein's hair. And for me, a sandwich. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': ''[as Judy enters the kitchen with her suitcase]'' Mom? Are you going on a trip? :'''Judy''': Oh, you noticed. Well, since you asked, I'm going to a spa for a week to be pampered unmercifully. :'''Hugh''': Hughsy-doodles is confused. :'''Judy''': I'm sick of being unappreciated and doing all the work around here. ''[takes out her chores list]'' Here are the chores I do every week to keep this place up and running. You two are going to have to do every one of them while I'm gone. Good-bye. ''[slams the door and leaves]'' :'''Jimmy''': Whoa! No Mom for a week? :'''Hugh''': No one to tell us your bath is ready? :'''Jimmy''': Or make us change our clothes. Or make us leave the lab and come to dinner. :'''Hugh''': No one to tell us you can't have pizza for every meal, or say, "Hugh, put down that duck and talk to me for once." :'''Jimmy''': We're free man! Masters of our own destiny. We rule this house. :'''Hugh''': We, uh… well, once we finish the chores. :'''Jimmy''': Oh, yeah. What's the first one? <hr width=50%> :''[Neutron dining room, evening]'' :'''Hugh''': So how's that week's worth of chores coming, Robo-booger? :'''MaternoTron''': All chores were completed at 1700 hours this evening. :'''Jimmy''': Good work, Materno-Tron. Assume Sleep Mode until the next mealtime. :'''MaternoTron''': Negative. A mother's work is never done. A mother must Protect and Pamper, :'''Jimmy''': Oh, yeah. ''[clears throat]'' Override Maternal chip directives until further notice. :'''MaternoTron''': Don't use that tone of voice with me, young man. Now eat! ''[releases the serving covers on Jimmy and Hugh's plates]'' :'''Jimmy''': ''[horrified]'' Leaping leptons! I said "water" the lawn, not "cook" it! What is this stuff? :'''MaternoTron''': Soy protein, kelp, tilapia oil, and spinach for flavor. :'''Hugh''': Sugarbooger's dinners never smelled quite so… how do I put it? Disgusting. :'''MaternoTron''': ''[scoops up the kelp with a ladle]'' This is the train and your mouth is the tunnel. :'''Hugh''': No thanks. See, my tunnel is temporarily closed for rep- ''[MaternoTron stuffs the ladle into his mouth]'' :'''Jimmy''': I must have set the autonomy parameter in the mothering chip too high. She really thinks she's Mom. :'''MaternoTron''': ''[stuffs another ladle into Jimmy's mouth]'' And after dinner… ''[takes out a scrubbing brush with eyes glowing red]'' '''''your baths.''''' ''[Jimmy and Hugh react with fright; Master bedroom bathroom, she is scrubbing Hugh, holding him down]'' HOLD STILL! :'''Hugh''': ''[screaming and moaning]'' Not the face! <hr width=50%> :'''MaternoTron''': Where you going? :'''Jimmy''': Oh. Um, well I left my homework in the lab. :'''MaternoTron''': Too many wires. You'll electrocute your eye out. Bedtime! :'''Jimmy''': What? But it's only 7:00! :'''MaternoTron''': March! :''[Jimmy's bedroom; the time on his alarm clock switches from 7:00 pm to one minute later]'' :'''Jimmy''': But I'm not tired! :'''MaternoTron''': Then I must ''rock'' you to sleep. ''[picks Jimmy up and rocks him at rapid speed]'' ♪ Rock-a-bye Jimmy on the treetop. Tomorrow more kelp till your pant buttons pop. ♪ Are you tired yet? :'''Jimmy''': ''[dizzy]'' And nauseous. <hr width=50%> :'''MaternoTron''': ''[to Jimmy and Hugh]'' Where do you think you're going? :'''Jimmy''': Outside? :'''MaternoTron''': Too dangerous! Outside is where the Civil War was held! ''[walks in front of the front door, blocking it]'' I'm placing you both on… ''[in malicous evil tone with red eyes]'' ''LOCKDOWN!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Carl''': ''[after circle fade-out]'' Uh, Sheen. :''[Fades in to Carl and Sheen taking a survey near Jimmy's lab at night]'' :'''Carl''': What was the answer you chosen for question 319? :'''Sheen''': C.: Lure the tiger away from Jimmy by imitating a chicken strip. :'''Carl''': ''[smiles]'' Hmm! Works for me. ===''Send in the Clones''=== :'''Judy''': Where do you think you're going, young man? Here's your list of Saturday chores. :''[Goddard grabs the chores list with his mouth]'' :'''Jimmy''': "Mail letter at post office; Sit with Grandma in the park; Pick up Dad's badminton shoes; Drop off a pie at school; And take a book to Cindy Vortex's mother?!" But, Mom, I can't do that! I have to get into space, now! :'''Judy''': Chores, first. Space travel, ''later.'' :'''Jimmy''': Goddard, options! '''"Hire temporary help to do chores at $15.75/hour."''' Too expensive. '''"Use boyish charm to outwit parental unit."''' I don't have time. '''"Clone thyself."''' Yes! We'll have to do it mega fast! <hr width=50%> :''[One by one, the Jimmy clones emerge]'' :'''Happy Jimmy''': Hi, everybody! Isn't it a super, amazing, great day? :'''Gloomy Jimmy''': ''[stifled grunt]'' You call this a great day? ''[sniffs]'' I should have stayed in bed! :'''Romantic Jimmy''': Ah, but romance is in ze air, eh? It is a beautiful day to fall in love, ''n'est-ce pas?'' :'''Funny Jimmy''': ''[laughing]'' Hey, everybody! It's great to be here for Line-up Night! Hey, have you seen that Cindy Vortex? Talk about the Wicked Witch of the Elementary. ''[Laughs]'' Hey, but seriously, these are the jokes, folks, come on, laugh with me. :''[Goddard plays a laugh track]'' :'''Cool Jimmy''': Hey! Who's up for some football, huh? :'''Evil Jimmy''': Nice place, kid. You know, I could have some serious fun with this stuff... ''[snickers]'' <hr width=50%> :''[All clones watch Jimmy blast off outside]'' :'''Evil Jimmy''': Hey, you heard the man: do your chores, boys. :'''Gloomy Jimmy''': But I've never mailed a letter! What if I get my hand stuck in the box?! :'''Happy Jimmy''': Hey, turn that frown upside down, Mr. Gloomy Gus! Everything's gonna be terrific! :'''Romantic Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' ''Mais oui!'' Love is all around us. :'''Cool Jimmy''': 'Ey! Let's do it to it! :'''Funny Jimmy''': And awaaay we go! :''[Granny Neutron is sitting on a bench at the park as Happy Jimmy shows up]'' :'''Happy Jimmy''': Hello, grandmother, dear. :'''Granny''': Where have you been? This bench is too hard. These birds are getting too close. The sun hurts my eyes. :'''Happy Jimmy''': Isn't it a beautiful day? Aren't these birds absolutely amazing? Isn't it great to be alive?! :''[Cut to Gloomy Jimmy at a mailbox getting his hand stuck]'' :'''Gloomy Jimmy''': Ow… :'''Carl''': Oh, hi, Jimmy. I have to do a report on snails or Napoleon. Can you help me? :'''Gloomy Jimmy''': What's the point of doing homework? We do it and then what? Poof, We're gone. Nothingness, emptiness. We're all just dust in the wind. :'''Carl''': Okay, I..I don't want to be dust in the wind. :''[Cut to Cool Jimmy walking downtown with Disco music playing]'' :'''Cool Jimmy''': He shoots, he scores. Neutron is definitely on. Lookin' good. You the man, you the man. 'Ey, it's the Nicksta. :'''Nick''': Neutron? What are you doing?! :'''Cool Jimmy''': I'm walkin' here! You got a problem wit' dat, Skateboard Boy!?! :'''Nick''': Uh, "Skateboard Boy"? ''[Macho Jimmy skates on Nick's skate board]'' Whoa, check it out! Neutron has the moves! ''[crunching, skateboard breaks in two]'' :'''Cool Jimmy''': Well, how 'bout next time you get a board that can handle the Neutron style? Later, Nick-O-Rama. :''[Nick looks angrily in Cool Jimmy's direction]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Sheen''': "I am Ultra Lord, and I will swing my mighty bat of combat!" "You can't catch me!" "Yes, I can!" Hey, hey, Jimmy, want to see my new action figure? :'''Funny Jimmy''': Do I? Come on, does Robin Hood wear a pantyhose? Hey, why did Ultra Lord cover himself with mayonnaise? ''[Sheen looks awkwardly at Funny Jimmy]'' He wanted to make a hero sandwich! ''[laughs]'' Hello! ''[knocking on Sheen's head]'' Anybody in there? Paging Mr. Sheen. The village called. They want their idiot back. :'''Sheen''': Are you okay, Jimmy? 'Cause you seem really weird. :'''Funny Jimmy''': ''I'm'' weird?! ''[laughing]'' Come o-o-o-o-on! You should see Ultra Lord's uncle Morris! :''[Cuts to Romantic Jimmy walking to Cindy's house, smiling to the camera, and ringing Cindy's doorbell]'' :'''Cindy''': ''[sighs]'' Whad'ya want, Neutron? :'''Romantic Jimmy''': To return a book and to drink in your beauty, Miss Vortex. :'''Cindy''': Very funny. :'''Romantic Jimmy''': I jest not. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Not even Shakespeare seems inadequate to describe your perfection! :'''Cindy''': Cut it out, Neutron, before I barf! :'''Romantic Jimmy''': Ah, ah, ah! But before zat, would you favor me wiz a kiss? :''[Romantic Jimmy tries to kiss Cindy, but has the door closed on him and faints.]'' :'''Cindy''': Is he for real? And what's with the bad French accent? ''[opens door after hearing music]'' :'''Romantic Jimmy''': ''[Guitar playing]'' ''[singing]'' Oh, Cindy, I love you, more than [[Albert Einstein]]'s theory of relativity. Oh, Cindy, ma cherie, [laughs] my little Cindy. Would you please come and kiss me? ''[Cindy faints to French Jimmy's surprise]'' Wait, why are you sleeping? :''[Cuts to Evil Jimmy holding a pie as a man walks up to him]'' :'''Evil Jimmy''': Hey, buddy, want a pie? :'''Man''': Yeah! :'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[splats pie in the man's face, snickers]'' You can't beat the classics! :'''Man''': ''[licks face]'' Mmm… ''[gives Thumbs up]'' I'll say. <hr width=50%> :''[The citizens clamor angrily at Hugh for what the Jimmy clones did]'' :'''Hugh''': Calm down, folks. Now, just tell me, what did the Jimster do? :'''Nick''': He busted my skateboard, dude! :'''Carl''': He said I was gonna be "dust in the wind." :'''Granny''': He made me smile and my dentures fell out! ''[pulls out her dentures]'' :'''Sheen''': He mocked Ultra Lord's family! :'''Cindy''': He made my heart sing and-- I mean, he said things to me so vile and despicable I cannot repeat them in mixed company. :'''Pie-face Man''': And, he threw a pie in my face! :'''Hugh''': ''[Chuckles]'' You can't beat the classics. ''[Pie-face Man growls]'' I'm sure Jimmy had a good reason for doing all these admittedly strange, bizarre things, so…who wants pie? :''[All growling]'' :'''Pie-face Man''': ''[Spits]'' I'm good. :'''Jimmy''': Oh, no! It was the clones! I gotta find them. Goddard, activate clone locator! :''(Goddard's chest show a map with Jimmy's head representing the clones, pinging)'' <hr width=50%> :''[Jimmy uses the ice crystals on the clones, freezing them]'' :'''Funny Jimmy:''' That's all, folks! :'''Romantic Jimmy:''' ''Adieu, mon ami!'' Parting is such sweet… Whoo, that is cold! :'''Cool Jimmy:''' Yo, give me your best shot, punk! :'''Gloomy Jimmy:''' Oh, this is how it ends… as ice cubes! :'''Happy Jimmy:''' I've always ''wanted'' to be frozen! This is a dream come true! <hr width=50%> :'''Carl''': There he is! :'''Sheen''': Get him! :'''Cindy''': Let's teach him a lesson! :'''Nick''': I'll hold him down, man! :'''Carl''': Yeah! Come on! :'''Jimmy''': WAIT, everyone! I can explain…''[4 Hours Later]''…and that's how it all happened. :'''Pie-face Man''': Hmm, genetic replicants manifesting mutant side effects, eh? :'''Cindy''': As long as you got rid of ''all'' the clones. One Jimmy Neutron in the world is bad enough, but six is blech! :'''Nick''': Uh, dude, you did catch all of them, didn't you? :'''Jimmy''': Uh… who would like some pie at my house? :'''Carl''': Uh, okay. :'''Evil Jimmy''': Here's Jimmy! (''laughs evilly'') :'''Everybody''': ''[to Jimmy; annoyed with anger]'' Neutron! :'''Jimmy''': (''nervously'') So, uh, I take it that means no pie? ''[screams and he and Goddard make a run for it as they start chasing him]'' :'''Pie-face Man''': Get him! :'''Cindy & Sheen''': Yeah, get him! :'''Granny''': Rip off his head! :''[Evil Jimmy stares evilly at the viewers and throws a cherry pie at the camera, ending the episode]'' ===''The Great Egg Heist''=== ===''The Feud''=== :'''Mr. Wheezer''': Hey, Neutron. Just trimming the old hedges before they start throwing off pollens for us. :'''Hugh''': Wheezer, I'm going to need my Lawnlopper back. :'''Mr. Wheezer''': Well, Gee, Neutron. I gave that thing back weeks ago. You must have forgot. :'''Hugh''': Forgot about my Lawnlopper 300 Pro-Deluxe as seen on TV?! I don't think so. :'''Mr. Wheezer''': Well, It's probably in your garage. Why don't you check? :'''Hugh''': It's probably in your garage. I'll just go get it. :'''Mr. Wheezer''': Hey! I already told you, I gave it back, you wingding. :'''Hugh''': And I'm telling you you didn't, toolhog. :'''Mr. Wheezer''': Cheese-brain! :'''Hugh''': Sneeze-jockey! :'''Mr. Wheezer''': Noodlehead! :'''Hugh''': Just because my lawn is lush and silky while yours is limp and hard to manage… :'''Mr. Wheezer''': What?! There's nothing wrong with my lawn. :'''Hugh''': Oh, please! Dandelions, gopher holes, and these tacky ceramic lawn kitties-- please! :'''Mr. Wheezer''': Oh, yeah?! Well, what about your stupid lawn ducks? They're the laughing stock of the entire neighborhood. :'''Hugh''': No, you put that down right now! :'''Mr. Wheezer''': Hey, look at me-- quack, quack, quack. I'm a stupid lawn duck-- quack, quack… whoops. :'''Hugh''': Sir Quacksalot! ''[smash, screams]'' :'''Mr. Wheezer''': Oopsy. ===''Out, Darn Spotlight''=== :'''Nick''': ''[screams as he flies through the air]'' DUDE!! Oh, man, I broke my leg! :'''Sheen''': All right! That's good luck! Way to go, Nick! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Uh, Jimmy, I thought we agreed that we didn't like girls. :'''Jimmy''': We don't. Betty is a woman. :'''Sheen''': Got it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Hey, Jimmy, I just found out that the play Macbeth has a curse, and you're not supposed to say "Macbeth," 'cause if you say "Macbeth," bad things happen because you said "Macbeth," and we've been saying "Macbeth" a lot. And congratulations on getting the part of Macbeth! ''[gasps]'' I SAID "MACBETH"!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mrs. Vortex''': My daughter, Cynthia is the star of the show. :'''Hugh''': She's Macbeth? :'''Mrs. Vortex''': No, she's a witch. :'''Judy''': ''[rolls her eyes]'' So I hear. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh''': Can I have a mocha espresso with plenty of sugar? :'''Cindy''': Yeah, right. ===''The Junkman Cometh''=== :'''Brobot''': ''[on screen; static]'' Jim… my. Jimmy, help! :'''Jimmy''': Uh… was that Brobot? :'''Carl''': You mean that annoying robot you made 'cause you wanted a little brother who drove you crazy, so made robot parents and sent 'em off to the moon? :'''Brobot''': The Moony Men are attacking us! Help us, Jimmy! :'''Carl''': Yep, that was him. :'''Jimmy''': So, what's everyone want to drink? I got Classic Purple Flurp, Diet Purple Flurp, and new improved Purple Flurp with more purple. :'''Sheen''': Jimmy, aren't you gonna help Brobot? :'''Jimmy''': No, I'm not gonna help him. He was a major pain. :'''Carl''': But he's your brother! :'''Sheen''': Yeah, he's your own nuts and bolts and circuits! :'''Carl''': You gotta save him before the Moony Men rip him apart limb by limb! :'''Jimmy''': Brobot can take care of himself. I provided him with self-preservation circuitry. :'''Brobot''': Jimmy, I forgot to tell you-- they've disabled my self-preservation circuitry. :'''Jimmy''': Oh. I guess we're going to the moon. ''[Carl and Sheen gasp]'' Come on, guys. :'''Carl''': What? I'm not going. :'''Sheen''': Yeah, what are you nuts?! There's Moony Men up there! :'''Jimmy''': Well, I'm not going alone, so we're just gonna sit here till you guys decide what you want to do. <hr width=50%> :'''Sheen''': Hey, Jimmy, I've got something to ask you. How come whenever we're in outer space, we don't have to wear helmets? :'''Jimmy''': Good question, Sheen, and the answer is quite interesting. You see -- :''[He starts explaining, but Carl's singing drowns it out.]'' :'''Carl''': ''[singing over]'' Moon, moon, moon! Spoon, spoon, spoon! June, June, June! Spittoon, spittoon, spittoon! :'''Sheen''': Uh, really? :'''Jimmy''': Mm-hmm. :'''Sheen''': But how come we don't need oxygen tanks? :'''Jimmy''': Well -- :'''Carl''': ''[singing over]'' ♪ Star, star, star! You're so far, far, far! Can't go by car, car, car! ♪ :'''Sheen''': Fascinating. Thanks. :'''Jimmy''': Any other questions. :'''Sheen''': No, I kinda got a headache. <hr width=50%> :'''Sheen''': Uh, so, Jimmy, how come it takes astronauts days to go to and from the moon, when it only takes us a few minutes? :'''Jimmy''': That's another good question. You see, it all has to do -- :'''Carl''': ''[singing over]'' Good-bye, Moon, I'll see you next June! Call the Milky for us soon, and -- :'''Sheen''': CARL! Enough with the song! <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Brobot saved us, we save his parents. ===''Foul Bull''=== ===''The Science Fair Affair ''=== ===''Men At Work''=== :'''Jimmy''': ''[annoyingly imitating Skeet]'' "No human brain can add three things, dude. Only the machine knows the tax, dude." <hr width=50%> :'''Skeet''': Picture of money… picture of money… Ha! Got you! Big McThankies from McSpanky's. Hey, dude, you missed a spot. :'''Jimmy''': I got it. Just a little sodium chloride. :'''Skeet''': Actually, dude, it's "salt." :'''Jimmy''': That's what I said. Sodium chloride. <hr width=50%> :'''Skeet''': You're quitting?! But dude, you're the first guy who fit in the costume. :'''Jimmy''': I'm not quitting-- quite the opposite. I intend to show you all what I am capable of. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Easy, Goddard. It's just a giant mechanical Scotsman's head. But by tomorrow, it's gonna be smarter than Skeet. Come to think it, it's smarter than Skeet now. <hr width=50%> :'''Carl''': Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Neutron. I have crippling depression :'''Judy''': My goodness! You boys have turned this place into quite the hot spot. :'''Carl''': Yup-- hope you enjoy it. Um… hold up, Mr. Neutron. :'''Hugh''': What… I'm with her. :'''Carl''': Whoa, whoa, whoa-- back it up, chief. Hmm… yeah… nope, sorry, not feeling it. :'''Hugh''': What do you mean? :'''Carl''': Don't make me spell it out, Mr. N., but your outfit just isn't saying McSpanky's to me. :'''Hugh''': Oh, really? Well, maybe because it's too busy saying, "Step aside, Mr… Sassymouth before I tell your parents!" :'''Carl''': Go ahead-- I turned them away two hours ago. :'''Hugh''': That's just terrible. How could you… Hey, look, a famous movie star! :'''Carl''': Where? Where? :'''Hugh''': ''[snickers]'' Sucker. :'''Carl''': What, I don't see anybody… Oh, I see him! Hi! No, that's not him. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': I think McSpanky's is trying to destroy all its competition until it's the only restaurant in town! :'''Carl''': We've gotta stop it! :'''Sheen''': Yeah! Does that mean no more tips? <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Well, that's the ''last'' fast food place in town. At least now it'll land and I an rip out it's programming. ''[looks at his GPS to see that McSpanky's is headed directly to the supermarket]'' Hey, what's it doing?! :'''Carl''': It's headed for the supermarket! :'''Jimmy''': Oh, no! It's not satisfied in destroying restaurants, it's gonna destroy ''any'' place that sells food! <hr width=50%> :'''Sheen''': A king Arthur with a hipper placement on a bed of ''coals?'' ===''The Mighty Wheezers''=== :'''Judy''': Now, Jimmy, I want you to behave yourself at the Wheezer's this weekend. :'''Jimmy''': Don't worry, Mom. Everything will be fine. I've been looking forward to this for weeks. :'''Carl''': It'll be just like having a brother who looks nothing like me and has a different last name. :'''Sheen''': ''[slightly annoyed]'' Man, you guys are so lucky! I have to stay home and loofah my grandma's cankles. <hr width=50%> :'''Sheen''': Bye, guys. Have fun while I'm cankling. <hr width=50%> :'''Mrs, Wheezer''': Sounds like my men are hungry! :'''Jimmy''': Uh… what is this, Mrs. Wheezer? :'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Fiber loaf à la king-- a hypoallergenic protein substitute. :'''Mr. Wheezer''': You see Jimmy, the Mrs. and I are allergic to most, meat, fish, grain, dairy, fruit, vegetable, and jalapeño-based food products. :'''Carl''': Eat it, Jimmy, before it gets damp. <hr width=50%> :'''Mrs. Wheezer''': You boys sleep tight, now. :'''Jimmy''': But it's only 7:30! :'''Mr. Wheezer''': Now, Jimmy, early to bed, early to rise makes a man less prone to bronchial infection. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': This is ridiculous. Allergies, germs, constricted nighttime airways… what's next?! :'''Carl''': ''[wiping his hand on Jimmy's face]'' Do not fear. Only I can tame Sancho the Wonder Llama. :'''Jimmy''': ''[losing it]'' That's it! ''[gets up and runs out]'' I can't take it anymore! <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': ''[holding a caplet pill]'' Here we are, Goddard-- total health-boost caplets. The Wheezers have sneezed their ''last'' sneeze. At least for the weekend. <hr width=50%> :'''Sheen''': Jimmy! I saw the whole thing! Carl and his folks have become Ultra-Wheezers! How cool is that? <hr width=50%> :'''Mr. Wheezer''': Come on, family! We're gonna climb Mt. Incredibly Unstable! :''[Mrs. and Carl look scared.]'' :'''Carl''': No one's ever climbed Mt. Incredibly Unstable and lived! I'm in! :'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Me too. :''[The Wheezers run off, shouting.]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Neutrons and Wheezers''': ♪ Singing and standing. We're standing and singing. Burning and singing. Smoking and burning. Singing and standing, we're standing and singing, burning and singing… ♪ ===''Billion Dollar Boy''=== :''[After Jimmy wins the kite-flying competition]'' :'''Hugh''': Way to go, son! You made your ancestors proud. :'''Eustace''': Yes, well done, Jimmy. Well done indeed. Listen, why don't you and your "people" pop over to the compound for a celebratory Flurp and ice cream banquet? :'''Jimmy''': I think I'd rather gargle liquid Nitrogen! :'''Hugh''': Jimbo, that was rude. Now your ancestors are ashamed again. <hr width=50%> :''[In the dining room, Eustace and the other kids are eating different flavors of ice cream]'' :'''Cindy''': ''[amazed]'' Eustace, this is incredible! There must be over 37 different flavors! :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, well, it's all right. :'''Eusatce''': Oh, don't be jealous, Jimmy. My ice cream is made from the purest ice-age snow gathered via time box. :'''Jimmy''': You got a working time box? <hr width=50%> :'''Eustace''' ''[to Jimmy]'': Make ready, Neutron: you're about to face the ultimate triumph in expensive robot technology. Blix, bring out the RA multi-unit! :''[Blix lets a small, cat-like robot into the arena]'' :'''Carl''': Aw, it's adorable! :'''Sheen''': They just don't make crazed, berserk robots like they used to. ===''Win, Lose and Kaboom!''=== :'''Jimmy''': Since 1511, there have been reports of rocks with strange symbols falling from the daytime sky. In every case, these rocks were destroyed before scientists had a chance to study them. ''These'' are those rocks. Minsk, Russia, 1653. Rock pulverized by Imperial guards. Reykjavík, Iceland, 1810. Also crushed. Lima, Peru, 1880. Rock elected mayor, then overthrown by rebels. :'''Man''': Well, at least it wasn't crushed. :'''Jimmy''': ''Then'' crushed. Butte, Montana, 1957. Rock made into soup and eaten by prospectors. :''[Slide shows a photo of Sheen's head sticking out of the bathroom toilet]'' :'''Sheen''': ''[screams]'' Carl! :'''Jimmy''': Ladies and gentlemen, the aliens that sent these message stones are today, giving Earth another chance. I implore you to let me take the rock to my lab for study! <hr width="50%"> :'''Meldar''': Let's meet those life-forms now! Vandana? :'''Vandana''': ''[appearing]'' Thanks, Meldar! They're smart, they're sassy, and they've evolved to a nonskeletal form. Meet the Brains! :'''Kids''': ''[disgusted]'' Eww… :'''Vandana''': Next, they've been called the sharpest species in the galaxy. Say hello to the Needleheads! :'''Needleheads''': ''[repeatedly]'' Mib! Mib! Mib! :'''Sheen''': Oh, man, those voices are gonna get on my nerves! :'''Vandana''': And finally, they're a warmongering species from the Kondracke Belt, give it up for the Gorlocks! <hr width="50%"> :'''Meldar''': Humans of Earth. Your planet is being connected to the Galactic Cable Network, with over nine billion channels of service. :'''Hugh''': ''[gasps]'' Free cable?! From space?! :'''Meldar''': Enjoy watching your fellow creatures play for their lives on this addition of "Intergalactic Showdown!" :'''Judy''': What did he mean, "play for their lives?" :'''Hugh''': I don't know. But nine billion channels! <hr width="50%"> :'''Jimmy''': ''[votes for Cindy]'' I tried to be your friend, but I have a planet to save. :'''Cindy''': ''[annoyingly votes for Jimmy]'' Sorry, pally. The human race can't afford another slip-up. :'''Libby''': ''[also votes for Jimmy]'' Bye bye, big-head. :'''Sheen''': Well, you know what they say, dude. You can fool all the people some other time, but you can't fool the time with the people that the, the… FORGET IT! Dang! :'''Carl''': I hope that once you get over the betrayal, you'll still come over for cookies. :'''Bolbi''': Bolbi not wearing underpants. ''[votes himself off]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Meldar''': Bolbi, your team has spoken. It's time for you to ''go.'' :''[A dark hole opens under Bolbi and he falls in it]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Jimmy''': That's it?! You kidnap us into space, threaten to blow up Earth, and you think you can make it right by giving us this stupid car?! <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': Well, guys, we saved the Earth. :'''Sheen''': And more importantly, we won the car! :'''Jimmy''': This isn't right. We've gotta go back! :'''Cindy''': Neutron, what are you doing? :'''Jimmy''': I'm reprogramming the auto-pilot. I won't let all those planets be destroyed! :'''Libby''': Are you nuts?! But we barely got out of there alive! <hr width="50%"> :'''Jimmy''': Meldar kept us weak by forcing us to compete. But together, Brain, Needlehead, Gorlock, and human, can team up to cancel his show permanently. Who's with me? :'''April''': I am with the Earth boy! Who's up for putting "Intergalactic Showdown" out of business? ==External links== * {{imdb title|ch0033574|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius}} * [http://www.nick.com/all_nick/tv_supersites/display_show.jhtml?show_id=jim Jimmy Neutron at Nick.com] {{DEFAULTSORT:Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius, The}} [[Category:The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius seasons]] [[Category:Children's television seasons]] 5peoui0541diik3rohwrigd81wdfkie 0 177496 3157941 3156665 2022-08-25T21:19:17Z 162.197.99.132 /* Best in Show */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{DISPLAYTITLE:''The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius''/Season 3}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1|1]] [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2|2]] [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3|3]] | [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius|'''Main''']] ---- '''''[[w:The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius]]''''' is a show that ran on Nickelodeon from 2002–2006. The show follows the life of genius kid Jimmy Neutron and his friends and family. It is also based on the 2001 CGI film ''[[Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (film)|Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]''. ===''Attack of the Twonkies''=== :''[Sheen volunteers for the school chorus]'' :'''Sheen''': ''[singing badly]'' '''''HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE--''''' :'''Principal Willoughby''': NEXT!!! :'''Sheen''': Eh, pardon? :'''Principal Willoughby''': Thank you. That's all I needed to hear. :'''Sheen''': Well, I can't say I'm surprised. Now, let's talk rehearsal schedule, man. Tuesdays, I have my action figure support so that's no good for me. Mondays… :'''Principal Willoughby''': Oh, dear. I better explain. Um, Sheen, amigo, I'm afraid you won't be joining the chorus. :'''Sheen''': What?! You're rejecting me?! :'''Principal Willoughby''': Now, now, now, don't take it personally. We needed an alto, and well, you're a… You're a… :'''Miss Fowl''': You're a terrible singer! :'''Principal Willoughby''': Miss Fowl! You see, Sheen, your voice… Um, how shall I put this? :'''Miss Fowl''': Your voice scares small children! :'''Principal Willoughby''': Miss Fowl, please! Look, Sheen, as chorus master, I know talent… :'''Miss Fowl''': And that's what you have: no talent! ''[Principal Willougby is about to burst]'' I'm done. <hr width=50%> :''[Sheen volunteers again disguised a with a mustache]'' :'''Sheen''': ''[singing badly]'' '''''HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE--''''' :'''Principal Willoughby''': NEXT!!! :'''Sheen''': Please let me in the chorus! ''[Miss Fowl rips Sheen's fake mustache off his face]'' My voice grows on you! :'''Miss Fowl''': So do liver spots, but they don't make you look at them! ''[cracks up laughing]'' :'''Principal Willoughby''': Now, Miss Fowl, that's not funny. ''[begins laughing]'' Okay, that's a little funny, but you know… :'''Sheen''': I've got half a mind to report you! :'''Principal Willoughby''': Half a mind? No wonder you can't sing! ''[he and Miss Fowl burst out in laughter as Sheen storms out the auditorium]'' Oh, we are so fired. ''[Miss Fowl looks shocked]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Your Twonkies attacked us in baby sized class! :'''Libby''': They busted my boom box! :'''Miss Fowl''': Those things are a menace! :'''Nick''': Dude, my do is ruined! :'''Butch''': Just when I was learning to love again! :'''Jimmy''': Guys! This isn't the time for blame. If it were I'd be saying things like "I tried to tell you" and "Why didn't you jerks listen to me?" Now all your stories have a common theme. :'''Carl''': Painful biting? :'''Butch''': Massive blood loss? :'''Jimmy''': No! ''Music!'' Harmonic patterns causes the Twonkies to morph into hostile beasts and attack the source of the sound. We've got to shut down ''all'' the music in town before the rest of the Twonkies hear. :'''Libby''': You can't stop the music! :'''Jimmy''': We've ''got'' to! <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': STOP! DON'T SING! :'''Principal Willoughby''': Miss Vortex, thank you for joining us, you're 10 minutes late! :'''Cindy''': Fellow choristers, due to a dangerous situation too complicated to go into now, this rehearsal is cancelled. Now I know how painful this must be for all of you… :''[The choristers cheer, and leave the stand]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': This isn't over, people! If we don't blast that monster back to the comet in the next ten minutes, he's stuck here for another year! :'''Sam''': That's bad. :'''Sheen''': I'll just sing to him every time he wakes up. :'''Miss Fowl''': That's worse! :'''Sam''': Yeah! ===''Lights! Camera! Danger!''=== :''[repeated line]'' :'''Quentin Smithee''': And action! ---- :'''Butch''': Mr. Smithee, uh…how do I start this thing? :'''Quentin Smithee''': I have no idea. Just keep pushing buttons until something happens. And... ---- :'''Quentin Smithee''': ''[found out that Hugh sung the Donut Boy theme song in the alley]'' No. This is the scene where you ''[throws the box of donuts to the ground''] <big>get lost!</big> ===''The N-Men''=== :''[Outer Space; Jimmy and the gang are flying back home to Earth in their Astrocar after playing mini golf on Mercury]'' :'''Sheen''': Engines down! Losing power! Abandon ship! :'''Libby''': You're enjoyin' that massage chair a little too much. :'''Sheen''': Set boosters on "Lower back"! Engage! :'''Carl''': Thanks for taking us miniature golfing on Mercury, Jimmy. Hey, you want some of my extra orange juice my mom packed me? :'''Jimmy''': Thanks, Carl… ''[gulps down the orange juice bottle]'' but we're not home yet. I still have to steer us past the Van Patten Radiation Belt. :'''Cindy''': Ha! Neutron probably thought the low gravity would throw off my backswing. Wrong! As usual. :'''Jimmy''': Hey, hey, how about instead of bragging, you thank me for inviting you along at all?! :'''Cindy''': You're right, Jimmy. Thank you… ''[pause]'' for letting me kick your butt on the back nine! :'''Jimmy''': What is your problem, Vortex?! :'''Cindy''': I don't have a problem! What's your problem?! :'''Jimmy''': Oh, I think you do have a problem! ''[arguing in unison]'' You know what the problem is? :'''Cindy''': ''[arguing in unison]'' No, I'm not the one with the problem, Neutron! :'''Carl''': ''[eating a sandwich while Jimmy and Cindy continue arguing]'' It's so hard to digest when they argue like that. ''[burps]'' <hr width=50%> :''[After passing through the Van Patten Radiation Belt and crash landing back home to Earth, Jimmy and his friends have discovered they've all gotten superpowers]'' :'''Jimmy''': I think I see what happened. You all got superpowers based on what you were doing when the Van Patten rays hit. :'''Cindy''': And you just turned orange? How lame is that? :'''Jimmy''': It's not lame! Maybe my cells store massive amounts of vitamin C or something. :'''Carl''': ''[sniffs]'' Mmm. He does have a pleasing, fruity aroma. :''[He, Cindy, and Libby laugh, making Jimmy cringe in anger]'' :'''Sheen''': Guys, get serious. We've all been endowed with incredible power. And I say we use that power ''to attack Tokyo!'' ''[runs to Tokyo and back]'' Guys, come on, pick up the pace. :'''Jimmy''': Sheen's right! Except for the part about Tokyo-- we have been given incredible power. But we should use it to fight crime. :'''Sheen''': Why didn't I think of that? :'''Libby''': You mean… become superheroes? :'''Cindy''': I hate to admit it, but that ''would'' be cool. :'''Carl''': I can fight crime, but I have to be home by 5:30. :'''Sheen''': Stack hands, everyone. We need to make a solemn vow. :''[All stack hands]'' :'''Sheen''': Let those who do evil beware! From this day forth, we shall be known as: The Fantastic League of Justice-Bringing Avenging Men! :'''Libby''': Excuse me?! :'''Sheen''': And two girls. <hr width=50%> :''[Neutron lab; 3 days later]'' :'''Jimmy''': I know, Goddard, but I can't stop working. I'm still missing one last ingredient for my superpower antidote. If only this mutant gene wasn't so hard to crack. Maybe if I tried a submolecular scam. ''[Screen shows Fatal Gene countdown to six hours]'' No. It can't be! Their powers are burning up their metabolisms! Their life forces will be drained in ''six'' hours! ''[bangs on his keypad]'' GOTTA WORK FASTER! ''[accidentally spills some Purple Flurp on the keyboard]'' No, no, NO! Now I'll ''never'' find a cure in time! ''[becomes extremely livid while throwing a fit]'' Why do I even care?! All they did was mock me. ''[gets up from his seat]'' Especially Cindy! She makes me ''so'' angry! ''[furiously throws a binocular box off-screen, crashing it]'' If only I'd gotten a cool superpower too, then I'd make her pay! I'd make 'em ''ALL'' pay! (''camera zooms in on his eye'') ''[growls crossly]'' What's wrong with me?! (''eye color changes burnt green'') ''[voice deepens]'' Feeling strange. ''[starts transforming into his huge hulk-like form as Goddard watches in fear]'' Thoughts, cloudy. Image of Cindy burning in my brain! :'''Hulk Jimmy''': ''[bursts out through the door of the clubhouse, roaring with rage]'' JIMMY ''DID'' GET SUPERPOWER! NOW JIMMY STRONG! NOW JIMMY '''''SMASH!!!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Sam''': ''[throwing an apple at Hulk Jimmy]'' Take that you misterable mistake of nature, yeah! ''[throws another at him]'' :'''Judy''': No, don't! You're only making him angry! <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Carl, why haven't you tried to perfect your super belches? :'''Carl''': I'm scared to, for my burps are ''way'' to dangerous. :'''Sheen''': But Carl, your destructive potential is part of the reason we love you. :'''Carl''': DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?! No more spice food or carbonated beverages! I've got to guard against even the slightest hiccup! :'''Sheen''': You mean no more chalupas? I feel your pain, dude. <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Guys, I think that orange-rampaging monster is Neutron! :'''Libby''': Those rays must've had some kind of delayed reaction on him. :'''Carl''': We gotta do something. The army might really hurt him! :'''Cindy''': All I did was make fun of him and, he still promised to help us. We have to help him! ===''The Tomorrow Boys''=== :'''Jimmy''': ''[as Future Jimmy opens the door]'' Hi, um, are you Jimmy Neutron? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Future Cindy''': NERDTRON! Nerdtron, what are you doing?! You're supposed to be soaking my mother's feet! And if it's not done every hour on the hour, she experiences severe flaking!! :'''Future Jimmy''': Cindy, can you not call me Nerdtron? ''[scoffs]'' Now that we're married? :''[The word "married" repeats itself, slowing down each time.]'' :'''Jimmy''': <big>'''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…'''''</big>''[commercial break, after which Jimmy is still screaming.]''<big>'''''…OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'''''</big> :'''Carl''': Wow. You just screamed for four minutes, Jim. :'''Sheen''': I'm both impressed ''and'' disturbed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Future Carl''': Yeah. I remember the first time I saw Mrs. V's feet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Jimmy saved the future! :'''Sheen''': That horrible dictator Libby will ''never'' plague us again! ''[they all look at Libby, whose looking super furious]'' Oh. Perhaps I'd better explain. :'''Libby''': ''[enraged]'' You and your stupid robot broke my house! :'''Sheen''': But… :'''Libby''': Ruined my party and destroy my gifts! :'''Sheen''': But… but… :'''Libby''': '''GET OUT!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Libby''': ''[to Sheen]'' Meet me at the Candy Bar, Sheen… ''[throws the door open, revealing his friends cleaning up; angrily]'' '''''AFTER YOU CLEAN MY HOUSE!''''' ===''Fundemonium''=== :'''Baby Quackers''': ''[repeated line]'' Gotta go potty! ''[puddle forms under her]'' Ooopsie! ===''Stranded''=== :'''Jimmy''': And I'm telling you that you can't see the equator! :'''Cindy''': Just an unpopulated area like the Pacific Ocean! :'''Jimmy''': WRONG! The equator's invisible and apparently so is your brain! :'''Cindy''': Well, at least my head doesn't need no time zone! :'''Jimmy''': Why'd you have to go there?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheen''': Ah the sea, who's water grows our gardens, who's electric eels light our homes, who's jellyfish fill our jelly donuts. :'''Libby''': Sheen, none of those things do any of those things. :'''Sheen''': Hey! You try staying awake staring at a stupid ocean! ''(grumbling sound)'' :'''Libby''': What's that sound? Carl, you're supposed to watch our readings. :'''Carl''': I'am. Their fine. :'''Libby''': Well, what does the fuel gauge say? :'''Carl''': It's fine. It's on "E" for…."engored with gas"…? ''(motor stops and hover car falling)'' :''(Everyone is screaming)'' :'''Libby''': Assume crash positions! :'''Sheen''': If you say so… ''(Carl and Sheen making faces)'' :'''Libby''': You know what... just go back to the screaming. ''(Everyone screams again)'' :''(Hover car splash in the ocean)'' :'''Carl''': Is everybody okay? :'''Sheen''': Well, I'am a little concerned that we're STRANDED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN!!!! :'''Carl''': Calm down, Sheen. :'''Sheen''': Don't tell me to calm down! This is all your fault! Anybody with a brian knows that "E" stands for... uh.... "elp yourself to some gas"! :'''Carl''': Does not! :'''Libby''': Guys! :'''Sheen''': Does so! :'''Libby''': Guys! :'''Carl''': Does not! :'''Sheen''': DOES SO! :'''Libby''': GUYS! This isn't helping! Now we need to get through this, we just need a strategy. :'''Carl''': Libby's right. :'''Sheen''': Kiss up. :'''Libby''': Now we're gonna need protein :'''Sheen''': Right, let's cut to the chase: who's eating who? :'''Carl''': Who's eating whom? :'''Sheen''': That's it! I'm eating you! :'''Carl''': Not if I eat you first! :'''Sheen''': I'll eat you in your sleep! :'''Carl''': Better not. :'''Libby''': I'm gonna chow down on both of you if you don't keep QUIET! :'''Carl''': She's right and at least we're in a boat, Jimmy and Cindy have been treading water for hours. :'''Sheen''': Poor guys. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cindy''': You know, I hate to say it Jimmy, but aside from the man-eating plants, giant spiders, and vicious snakes, um… this isn't so bad. :'''Jimmy''': It seems like if we stay out of the denser parts of the jungle, we should be fi… ''(record scratches)'' Did you just call me Jimmy? :'''Cindy''': Well, that is your name… :'''Jimmy''': I know. I just didn't know that you knew. I thought you thought it was "Neutroid", or "Speutron", or "King Cranium" or "Frankenhead"... :'''Cindy''': I know, I know. Jimmy, why do you think we always fight back home? :'''Jimmy:''' Oh, that's easy, because, well, uh... maybe because... uh... Huh... I don't remember. :'''Cindy:''' I don't either. I mean, I know I'm not supposed to like you, but being here on this island away from school and grades and peer pressure, it makes me realize how ridiculous that is. You're a really cool person. :'''Jimmy:''' R-really? ''[Cindy nods her head]'' I've sort of been thinking the same thing about you. :'''Cindy''': Really? Jimmy, if I had to be stranded on a deserted island with anybody, I'm glad it's you. :'''Jimmy:''' Me, too. Um, Cindy, if you're not doing anything tomorrow, well, do you think you might want to... I don't know, hang out together? :'''Cindy''': Hmm, I may have to move some appointments around, but what the heck, I accept. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': I was going to share, and I ate one, but it was so good, so I ate four and I…I…I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON! :'''Sheen''': YOU GOT THAT RIGHT! ''(throws the chocolate away)'' GET HIS LEGS, LIBBY! ''(he grabs Carl)'' :'''Libby''': Sheen, you can't throw Carl overboard. :'''Sheen''': ''(He halts)'' Why not? :'''Libby''': Because he might have more FOOD ON HIM! ''(they start pulling Carl back in and they hear a horn blow)'' Guys, did you hear something? :'''Carl''': It wasn't me. :'''Libby''': ''(gasps)'' It's an ocean liner! Try to get their attention! :'''Carl''': But they're so far away. :'''Libby''': Jimmy must keep a flare in here look around! ''(saw an emergency button)'' I think this is it. :'''Carl''': "For emergencies only." :'''Sheen''': THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! PUSH IT! :''(A light points towards at the ship and explosion)'' :'''Passengers''': We're okay! :'''Libby''': Um… maybe we should just keep this to ourselves. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheen''': I won't give up! Did Lewis and Clark give up?! Did Charles Lindbergh give up?! Did Saul Hoffnitz give up?! :'''Libby''': Who's Saul Hoffnitz? :'''Sheen''': I give up. The point is I'm not going back to Retroville without Jimmy and Cindy! I'm gonna find them even if I HAVE TO TEAR OUT EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF EQUIPMENT IN HERE!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Finished, now put your fuel ingredients into the gas tank. :''(Libby and Carl put all the ingredients into the gas tank, but Sheen pick up some strange rocks and put them into the gas tank)'' :'''Jimmy''': Sheen, what kind's of rocks are those? :'''Sheen''': Well I didn't know what shale look like, but I found these cool rock deep in the jungle. Look! :''(Sheen give the strange rock to Jimmy)'' :'''Jimmy''': These don't feel like rocks at all. they feel like… :''(Libby screamed and they saw a giant spider attack the hover car and they all are hiding in the rock)'' :'''Cindy''': Jimmy, that's the spider that made the web we saw! :'''Jimmy''': I think we put some of her eggs in the gas tank! :'''Carl''': If it destroys the hover car, we'll be stranded here forev… ''(record stretches)'' :'''Sheen, Libby, and Carl''': Did she just call you Jimmy? <hr width="50%"/> ===''Jimmy Goes to College''=== :'''Butch''': Big words: they hurt, they hurt! <hr width=50%> :'''Butch''': Big molecules: they hurt, they hurt! ===''Who's Your Mommy?''=== :'''Jimmy''': Welcome to Planet Schmangy! …Again. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': The strange appetite, the mood swings, the glowing buldges… Carl, I don't know how to say this, so I'll whisper it in Sheen's ear and he'll blurt it out in astonishment. ''[whispers to Sheen]'' :'''Sheen''': Carl is '''''PREGNANT?!''''' :'''Carl''': ''[jumps in shock]'' What!? <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Good news, Carl. I have an idea how to solve this without harming you, or the creature, and, why are nodding no? :'''Carl''': I thought about it, Jim. If it's a boy, I'll name him, Shmengo, and if it's a girl Shmengeta, I want to retain its alien heritage. :'''Jimmy''': ''WHAT?!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Carl, why aren't you more worried? This thing might feed off your insides, or electrocute you, or grow until it splits you in half! :'''Carl''': Yeah, kids can be a handful. ===''Clash of the Cousins''=== :''[Jimmy and his parents show up in the backyard of Aunt Kari's house for Great-Aunt Amanda's birthday with the rest of the Neutrons]'' :'''Jimmy''': ''[carrying her present]'' Happy Birthday, Great-Aunt Amanda! You're looking more beautiful and less wrinkly every year. :'''Aunt Amanda''': No thanks you, young man, your gadgets and gewgaws have taken ten years off my life! :'''Judy''': But, Aunt Amanda, how can you say that? Jimmy's gadgets have saved the town dozens of times. :'''Aunt Kari''': Sure. After he brought down a giant meteor to destroy us all. :'''Uncle Newt''': Or those evil rotting aliens. :'''Cousin Annabelle''': OR PANTS! HORRIBLE WALKING PANTS! :'''Cousin Gomer''': Which cousin are you again? :'''Hugh''': Now, now, now. Newt, Kari, Cousin Gomer, Cousin Annabelle… ''[Baby Eddie babbles]'' and little Eddie, let's not fight. We're gathered together because we love our dear Aunt Amanda and not because her fabulous wealth controls our very destiny. :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, can't we all just get along and be a family? :'''Aunt Amanda''': NO! Because of you, the Neutron name isn't respectable anymore. Why can you be nice like your two young friends? :'''Sheen''': Mmm! I've been waiting all year to eat Aunt Kari's salt patties. :'''Carl''': And this 147 bean salad is the best one yet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Aunt Amanda! I'm so sorry! The spatula's battery must have overloaded! :'''Aunt Amanda''': You little monster! I knew you couldn't be trusted! :'''Jimmy''': It's not supposed to do that! I swear, it will never happen again! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Guys, we have a situation. There is no reason those presents should have exploded. Someone bombarded the spatula with delta waves. Only a genius could come up with a plan like that. And the delta waves came from the backyard. Do you realize what that means? :'''Sheen''': Uh, Jimmy, do you mind if we just keep eating? :'''Jimmy''': It means that there's ''another'' genius in my family besides me. An <u>''evil''</u> genius. :'''Carl''': That's horrible! Hey, Sheen, are you gonna finish that death-by gelato? :'''Jimmy''': Okay, stop eating. :'''Sheen''': Sorry. :'''Carl''': Sorry. :'''Jimmy''': Goddard, isolate the Neutron genius gene. Now, compare the gene against DNA profiles of ''all'' adult family members. Hmm. The two most likely suspects would be…Cousin Gomer or Cousin Annabelle. :'''Carl''': Okay, so what you're saying is that one of them must only be ''acting'' dumb. :'''Sheen''': ''[belches]'' Or crazy. :'''Jimmy''': We gotta find out which one before they make another attempt on my family's lives! :'''Carl''': Right. To the buffet! What? I'm still hungry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Hey, Cousin Annabelle. :'''Cousin Annabelle''': ''[screams]'' DON'T SNEAK UP ON ME! I HAVE SENSELESS PANIC ATTACK SYNDROME! :'''Carl''': Uh, I'm allergic to wheat. :'''Cousin Annabelle''': Oh, really? GO AWAY! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Baby Eddie''': ''[laughing wickedly]'' Haven't you figured it out yet, Jimmy? :'''Jimmy''': ''[shocked]'' Cousin Eddie! :'''Baby Eddie''': I had you barking up the wrong tree. You know, maybe you ain't as bright as everybody thinks. :'''Jimmy''': How can I be so naive? I only checked the DNA of adult Neutrons. I never guessed that… :'''Baby Eddie''': A baby could be as smart as you? Heck, I'm smarter. And, I'm only 17 1/2 months old. Wait till I hit puberty-- bah-bing! :'''Sheen''': Why'd you do it, Cousin Eddie?! WHY?!? :'''Jimmy''': For Aunt Amanda's money, Sheen. :'''Baby Eddie''': Ding! We got a winner! Now, think fast, nimrods! ''[traps the boys and Cousin Gomer in his unbreakable fun rings]'' Don't waste your time. Nothing can escape my unbreakable fun rings. :'''Jimmy''': You're a ''bad'' baby, Eddie, and you got a diaper full of evil! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': ''[facing Baby Eddie]'' Too bad you didn't know about Goddard's backup battery. It's all over, Eddie! Oh, you're going down, baby. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Aunt Amanda''': This is the child you raised?! A vicious, rotten baby mauler?! :'''Jimmy''': It's not what you think, Aunt Amanda! Eddie's an evil genius! He was trying to blow everyone up so he could get your fortune! :'''Baby Eddie''': Goo. :'''Hugh''': He takes after <u>''her''</u> side of the family! ''[points at Judy]'' :'''Judy''': Hugh! :'''Hugh''': He may be adopted. It looks nothing like me. :''[A high-pitched whirring sound is heard]'' :'''Aunt Kari''': Wait. There's that horrible noise again! :'''Jimmy''': I know, Aunt Kari, I reset Eddie's rattle during our struggle. It's programmed to overload. :''[The sound is shown coming from Baby Eddie's rattle]'' :'''Baby Eddie''': Oh, poopy! ''[throws his rattle into the air and it explodes]'' You broke my rattle! You dweeby, no-good, pointy-headed, weasel-faced freak! ''[The adult Neutrons are shocked at his true colors being revealed]'' Uh, I mean… Goo! :'''Aunt Amanda''': That baby's a bad seed! [''to Jimmy''] It's Jimmy who's the good nephew! :''[The other adult Neutrons cheer for Jimmy as Sheen, Carl, and Cousin Gomer exit the house]'' :'''Aunt Kari''': I'm so sorry little Eddie tried to destroy us all. :'''Jimmy''': If I were you Aunt Kari, I'd keep him on a baby leash. :'''Baby Eddie''': Oh, no, not the leash! I'll get you for this, Cousin Jimmy, you hear me?! This ain't finished, not by a long shot! Hey, where's my juicy cup? Where is the cup that I can spill without spilling? :'''Jimmy''': Dad, our family is ''very'' weird. :'''Hugh''': It sure is, son. It sure is. ===''My Big Fat Spy Wedding''=== ===''Crouching Jimmy, Hidden Sheen''=== :'''Jimmy''': ''[in trying to find a way to help Sheen defeat a zealous karate practioner who wants to ursurp Sheen's position as "The Chosen One"]'' There's only one way to help Sheen train. :'''Sheen''': ''[in front of a dojo]'' A tutor? :'''Jimmy''': We have no other choice! :'''Sheen''': Why don't you just make me take piano lessons while I'm at it? :''[The Dojo head, Master Hong, answers the door]'' :'''Master Hong''': Yes? :'''Jimmy''': Master Hong? :'''Sheen''': Dude, aren't you a little old to teach kung-fu? :'''Master Hong''': ''[calmly, holding out a pebble]'' Snatch this pebble from my hand. :'''Sheen''': ''[sarcastically]'' Snatch the pebble… too easy! ''[gets slammed around by Master Hong]'' You're hired! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lead Shangri-Llama Monk''': ''[of Sheen]'' To the Chosen One! Long may he put his leg behind his head! ===''The Incredible Shrinking Town''=== :'''Sheen''': Aw, cheer up, Jimmy. Hey, after the game, you wanna come over to watch ''Wizard of Oz''? I love those little monkeys. ''[Jimmy glares at him]'' What? What'd I say? Man, you dinky guys are so touchy. :'''Jimmy''': You guys have ''no'' idea what it's like to be the short guy. It's like…it's like… :'''Sheen:''' Uh, you're not gonna sing, are you? <hr width=50%> :'''Sheen''': ''[Reading a message about the Vomitorium]'' Do not go on this ride if you have a bad back, bad neck, or hate puking. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Judy''': This is a nightmare. How am I going to clean this house if I'm six inches tall? :'''Hugh''': I know, these are ''dark'' times, Sugarbooger. But look on the bright side. We finally got a jumbo-sized TV! :''[Goddard flies into the living room]'' :'''Judy''': ''[to Jimmy; sharply]'' James Issac Neutron, are you responsible for this? :'''Jimmy''': You know, Mom, we ''could'' waste precious time assigning blame. :'''Judy''': ''[still sharped]'' Jimmy! :'''Jimmy''': Kinda. :'''Judy''': Hugh, speak to your son. <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Now, listen Neutron, you'd better… :'''Carl''': ''[impersonating Mrs. Vortex's voice]'' Cynthia Vortex! Come over here and help your mother clean up Humphrey's extremely large poopy poo-poo! :'''Cindy''': Oh, just make us big Neutron! <hr width=50%> :''[The space bandits have captured the citizens and are taking them on the McSpanky's ship.]'' :'''Cindy''': Well, we can all thank our favorite boy genius for getting us into mortal danger -- ''again!'' :'''Libby''': At least we can say we had an exciting childhood. :'''Carl''': ''[sees the ship]'' Hey, look, it's the old McSpanky's burger joint that we used to work at till you shot it at the sun, Jimmy. :'''Jimmy''': They've turned it into a spaceship. :'''Sheen''': ''[opens a fake treasure chest]'' It's okay, our worries are over! We're rich!! ''[hugs it]'' :''[Jimmy rolls his eyes]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Whoa, whoa, whoa. Time out! May I just remind everybody, this was ALL Neutron's fault?! ===''One of Us''=== :'''Jimmy''': ''(narrating)'' There we were, running for our lives from our best friends and family. How did this happen? It all began on a normal day at school. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Libby, did you just turn some music off? :'''Libby''': ''[turns slowly to Jimmy; also smiling]'' Hello Jimmy, I'm happy to see you. Did you watch "The Happy Show Show" last night? <hr width=50%> :'''Sheen''': Hi, Jimmy. You watched "The Happy Show Show?" :'''Jimmy''': Yes, and it was the worst show ever! It was obnoxious, idiotic, silly, infantile, inane, vapid… Shall I go on? :'''Libby''': You need to watch it again. :'''Jimmy''': ''Again?!'' I could barely watch the first 30 seconds! I thought my TV would explode! I thought I might faint from the fumes of the show's supreme stinkiness! :'''Carl''': You should give it another chance. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': ''[narrating]'' The show was hypnotizing people and turning them into mindless zombies! It didn't effect me because I was only watching the reflection. ''[bursts the door open and enters]'' Betty, snap out of it! You've been hypnotized! Stop watching the TV! :'''Betty''': But I must watch, and you must watch, too. :'''Jimmy''': ''[runs away, screaming as he makes it back to his house]'' Mom, Dad, we've gotta call someone! There's a TV show that's turning everyone into… ''[enters the living room, only to see his parents being hypnotized too]'' :'''Judy and Hugh''': Hello, Jimmy, we're happy to see you. :'''Jimmy''': You too? :'''Judy''': Come sit here and we'll be happy together. :'''Jimmy''': ''[quickly runs out of the house]'' '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!''''' :'''Judy''': Shall we chase him? :'''Hugh''': Nothing would make me happier. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Grandma Taters, I presume! :'''Grandma Taters''': Well, hello, honey, come on in. Would you like some hard candy? :'''Jimmy''': I know what you're up to, lady. :'''Grandma Taters''': ''[pinches Jimmy's cheek]'' Well, aren't you a smart little boy? <hr width=50%> :'''Grandma Taters''': Restraints! :'''Jimmy''': Mom, Dad, you can't do this to me! :'''Judy''': Oh, we're happy to do it. :'''Hugh''': I positively ecstatic. :'''Jimmy''': But you're not supposed to be happy all the time! You have to be sad sometimes! :'''Hugh''': Happily, that's no longer true. :'''Jimmy''': But don't you see? Grandma Taters' show has stolen your emotions and caused you to lose your humanity! Soon, the whole world will be pack of soulless, mindless zombies! :'''Sheen''': Wondering if I care…still wondering… NOPE! <hr width=50%> :'''Grandma Taters''': I'm sorry, girls. I failed. :'''Grandma Clones''': That's alright, honey. Come in for some muffins. And bran juice. ===''Vanishing Act''=== ===''The Trouble with Clones''=== :'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[hijacking into the communication satellite phone in Earth's orbit, making prank calls]'' Yeah, hi, is the U.N. Security Council? I'm looking for Ambassador Shake My Booty, first name Ivanna. :'''Man''': Hold on. Guys! Ivanna Shake My Booty. You heard me: Ivanna Shake My Booty! :''[Laughter is heard through the phone]'' :'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[laughing evilly]'' Oh, mercy! <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Jimmy''': I hate that little dweeb. <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Jimmy''': While the dork's away, the clones will play, eh, pooch? :''[Goddard whimpers and nods yes]'' :'''Jimmy''': You're in big trouble, clone! Step away from that duplicator! :'''Evil Jimmy''': Sorry, no can do, bro. This goodie-two-shoes town of yours ain't big enough for the both of us. :'''Jimmy''': Wait-- you don't know how dangerous that thing is! :'''Evil Jimmy''': Oh, I think I do. ''[starts up his rocket and flies away]'' Hasta la vista, big-head! :'''Jimmy''': Don't worry, Goddard. He forgot about ''my'' rocket. ''[jumps in his rocket but as he starts it up, the engine is clogged up by a watermelon]'' I really hate that clone. <hr width=50%> :'''Hugh''': Hi, Jim-Jam, gettin' ready to visit that new planet in the sky? :'''Jimmy''': New planet? What new planet? ''[Hugh points to the planet in the sky; gasps]'' :'''Hugh''': Sure is pretty. In a creepy, steaming kind of way. :'''Jimmy''': Goddard, deploy telescope. ''[Goddard analyzes the planet to be a cloned Earth; horrified]'' Oh, no-- he's cloned another Earth! My evil clone must've used the Flux Field to clone a duplicate Earth. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Leaping leptons! Evil Jimmy somehow made his cloned Earth just as evil as he is. Better blend in. ''[makes his hair and eyebrows to look like his evil clone]'' Oh, yeah, I'm evil. Oh, yeah, I'm bad. <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Health Inspector''': Well, this place is unsafe, unsanitary, and crawling with vermins. Congratulations. You passed your health inspection. :'''Evil Sam''': I am to displeased, yeah! <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Miss Fowl''': Take your seats, maggots. Evil Cindy and Evil Libby will now give a presentation on wedgies. :'''Evil Cindy''': Thank you, ugly. Class, nothing hurts like a wedgie, and yet few people understand the proper technique. :'''Evil Libby''': May we have a volunteer, ''NICK?!'' :'''Evil Nick''': No, you can't! ''[as Evil Butch pulls him out of his desk seat and shoves him to the girls]'' I'll get you for this! :'''Evil Libby''': Assume to position! :'''Evil Cindy''': Simply reach, grab, and give a forceful 90-degree tug. ''[pulls Evil Nick's underwear harder as he screams in pain]'' :'''Evil Libby''': Note the beads of pain-induced sweat. <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Miss Fowl''': After him! Fly, my pretties, FLY! <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Judy''': Hello, sweetie, home so soon? ''[cutting roses into a bucket]'' I'm just dirtying up the house before dinner. :'''Evil Hugh''': We're having duck again. I must have bagged over 87 bubbleheads this morning. Oh, they quacked for mercy, but I just laughed and laughed. ''[he and Evil Judy both start laughing evilly]'' :'''Jimmy''': This is going to scar me for life. Mom, Dad, I know helping is good, and I know that you're evil, but I'm still your son, right? :'''Evil Hugh''': Yep-a-roonie, ''[combs Jimmy's hair to his normal style]'' our very, very good son. :'''Evil Judy''': Our evil son has ordered us to capture you for experimentation. ''[presses a button on a remote, letting a cage fall in on Jimmy, trapping him]'' :'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[appearing]'' Well, well, well, if it isn't the wimpy dip-headed freak. Hey, nice of you to drop by. I see you met the folks. :''[They all chuckle evilly; Later, Evil Jimmy escorts Jimmy to his lab with Evil Goddard behind, pointing his gun at him]'' :'''Evil Jimmy''': So, what do you think of my little world, doc? :'''Jimmy''': It's sick twisted and smells like old socks! How'd you make this duplicate Earth evil?! :'''Evil Jimmy''': With a dark matter power chip. Yeah, I know, feel free to applaud. <hr width=50%> :'''Hugh''': Ah, goodbye mild backache. ''[the world returns to normal and falls to the ground]'' Hello, blindingly, painful backache. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Clone, no! If you break that chip, the whole planet will get sucked into the dark-matter dimension! :'''Evil Jimmy''': And you'll be trapped with us! ''[breaks the chip into two pieces]'' Catch you on the flip side, wimpy dip! <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': At least my evil clone is gone for good. No one has ever come back from my dark-matter dimension. :'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' You're not gonna get away with this, wimpy dip! You can't keep that an evil clone down! I'll be back! ''[laughs evilly]'' ===''Who Framed Jimmy Neutron?''=== ===''Flippy''=== ===''El Magnifico''=== ===''Best in Show''=== :'''Jimmy''': Goddard? ''[finds Goddard's note next to him in his bed]'' He left me a note in binary code. Better translate. ''[gets up from his bed and inserts the note into his computer]'' '''"Dear Master: Sorry I let you down. You'd be better off with a real dog like everyone says. Your ex-pet, Goddard."''' He ran away! ===''King of Mars''=== :'''Libby''': Wow, the universe is so vast and intricate. I'm bored. :'''Cindy''': Hmm, Libs, keep an eye on Mars for me. It's been acting weird all night. :'''Libby''': ''[sniffing]'' Is that… Eau d'Amino Acid? Girl, you brought us here so you could flirt with Jimmy. :'''Cindy''': Did not! I'm here because Jimmy values my scientific input. :'''Libby''': Why don't those two just get a lab? :'''Cindy''': Hey, Neutron, have you checked out Mars? :'''Jimmy''': Huh? Mars is old news. I'm spotting comets. :'''Cindy''': But it's been showing huge fluctuations in brightness. Definitely worth a good long look. :'''Jimmy''': What's that bewitching scent? :'''Cindy''': You mean my perfume? I just splashed this on when I don't care what I smell like. <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': When a colleague suggests that you look at Mars, it's polite to look at Mars! <hr width=50%> :'''Eustace''': Hello, Neutron! :'''Libby''': ''[to Cindy]'' It's that spoiled rich kid who has it in for Jimmy! :'''Jimmy''': Eustace Strych. I thought you were grounded for life. :'''Eustace''': Yes, well, my daddy's will is easily manipulated. So, Jimmy, did you forget that I'd sworn everlasting vengeance against you? :'''Jimmy''': Hmm, it sort of slipped my mind because I have a life, you loser! :'''Eustace''': Don't get saucy with me. <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Well, it's your fault! ''[points to Jimmy]'' :'''Jimmy''': What?! :'''Cindy''': Oh, don't act dumb! At least Eustace treated me like an equal. You act like I don't even exist! :'''Jimmy''': You are so clueless, Vortex! Of course I know you exist, that’s why I pretend to ignore you! ===''How to Sink a Sub''=== :'''Principal Willoughby''': Heavens to Harvey Fierstein! This isn't the Pomona bypass. :'''Coach Grubber''': Willoughby, you dink! I told you turn left at the Pants Outlet! :'''Hilgo''': I'm frightened and nauseated. Where are we? :'''Miss Fowl''': We're in hyperspace, where no teacher has gone before. I've got a good idea who's responsible for this! <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Spread the word, people! School's out! :''[they throw a party]'' :'''Sheen''': I'm the king of the world! [''gets hit''] :'''Jimmy''': [''flying around the hallway with a rocket board''] Coming through, watch it! [''his rocket board gets magnitized''] Hey, what's wrong with my rocket board?! [''screams as he's pulled by a displeased Judy; shocked''] Mom?! :'''Judy''': You are ''so'' grounded, mister! :'''Hugh''': [''pops out of a trash can''] She's right, Jimbo. I'm afraid your senseless reign of carnage is over. :'''Carl''': Hi, Jimmy. You said to spread the word, so I told our parents. :'''Judy''': You bring your teachers back, this instant. :'''Jimmy''': I can't! They're programmed to come back in a week. :'''Mr. Estevez''': Then, we'll have to round these children up ourselves. Kids? Oh, kids! :'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Allow me, hon. ''[loudly]'' '''QUIET!''' :''[The students all stop partying]'' :'''Judy''': Children, please go to your classrooms. Until Miss Fowl and the others return, we parents will be filling in as substitute teachers. :''[The students all groan and complain in dismay]'' :'''Jimmy''': ''[speechless]'' Substitute teachers? :'''Mr. Wheezer''': Good idea, Judy. The kids shouldn't miss one precious day of education. :'''Jimmy''': Mom, Dad, you can't do this! It'll be totally embarrassing! :'''Hugh''': Don't be silly, Jimbo. Your mother would never dream of embarrassing you. <hr width=50%> :'''Mrs. Wheezer''': What's wrong, Carl? Is my seven-layer soy mulch too tough? Let Mommy pre-chew it for you. :'''Carl''': Mmm! ''[sees Jimmy and Sheen reacting with disgust]'' I mean, gross! :'''Mrs. Wheezer''': You boys enjoy! :'''Jimmy''': I can't take it anymore! I actually wish we had our old teachers back! :'''Carl''': Are you gonna finish your soy mulch? :'''Jimmy''': Parents want to be substitute teachers, huh? Well, I say, it's time to ''sink'' some subs. <hr width=50%> :'''Sheen''': Dad, I'm warning you! Behave yourself! :'''Mr. Estevez''': ''[riding on a motorcycle with Mrs. Wheezer holding on]'' You can't tell me what to do! :'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Stop trying to ruin my life! <hr width=50%> :'''Miss Fowl''': Double time, Neutron! ===''Lady Sings The News''=== :''[Everyone walks away, and Jimmy kisses Cindy.]'' :'''Carl''': Hey, Guys! Okay, you're coming back right? Right? Guys! My scapula! <hr width=50%> :'''Butch''': "Jimmy and Cindy sitting in a--" :''[Cindy forcefully punches him squarely in the stomach.]'' :'''Butch''': ''[panting on the floor]'' "…..tree." ===''The League of Villains''=== :''[Aboard the giant Yolkian chicken ship, King Goobot has gathered every villain Jimmy has defeated together for the first League of Villains meeting]'' :'''King Goobot''': Welcome, fellow villains. I believe introductions are in order. I am King Goobot of Yolkus, and this is my assistant, Ooblar. Oh! Oopsy! ''[chuckles]'' I forgot-- I traded Ooblar to the Bulgosians for some sulfur butter. :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': I'm Beautiful Gorgeous, and I broke out of prison for this, so it better be good. ''[to her father]'' Pop. :'''Professor Calamitous''': Professor Finbarr Calamitous. I recently escaped, too. I used a…well, not a chisel, exactly, more of a long thingy with, uh, sort of forky prongs… :'''Baby Eddie''': ''[annoyed]'' Tick-tock, baldy! Let's move on! I'm Baby Eddie. Yeah, I'm a baby-- deal with it. :'''The Junkman''': The Junkman, purveyor of fine refuse products throughout the galaxy. You trash it, I cash it. :'''Grandma Taters''': I'm Grandma Taters, and I'm so happy to be here! Let's all sing "The Happy Song." ''[takes out her guitar and starts singing]'' ♪ Happy, happy, happy, happy… ♪ :'''Zix''': ''[whistles]'' That'll do, ancient one. We're the space bandits of the Dimdar Galaxy. I'm Zix, and this is Travoltron and Tee. :'''Tee''': Why can't I introduce myself?! :'''Travoltron''': 'Cause he already introduced you, bonehead. :'''Tee''': You calling me a bonehead?! How'd you like to be a no-head?! :'''Eustace''': If you gill breathers are done, I am Eustace Strych, and I could buy and sell you all! :'''The Junkman''': Make me an offer. :'''King Goobot''': Gentlemen, ladies, settle! I've called you here for a reason. :'''Zix''': Hold on, Goobot, this was supposed to be a discussion. How come ''you're'' calling the shots? :'''King Goobot''': Mmm, perhaps it's because I'm a king and you're all…oh, how do I put this? ''NOT'' KINGS! :'''Tee''': You said we'd talk about the villain's role in society. I got stuff to say! :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Our first order of business should be to give this guy a bath. He smells as bad as he looks. :'''The Junkman''': Watch it, toots! :'''King Goobot''': Silence! My friends, we share a common enemy, an enemy who must be stopped! Evil brothers and sisters, we are gathered here to plan the elimination of… JIMMY NEUTRON! :''[The villains cheer as the screen footage shows Jimmy defeating them from throughout the series]'' :'''The Junkman''': Crush that little pip-squeak! :'''King Goobot''': For years, that pesky little genius has defeated us, humiliated us, and almost destroyed us! None of us have been able to conquer Jimmy on our own, but if we band together, we can wipe him off the face of galaxy and let evil triumph! <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Hey, what's this, Nerdtron? :'''Jimmy''': Don't go near that! :'''Cindy''': Okay. Jeez, it's just a bunch of stupid envelopes. :'''Jimmy''': Hardly-- this ''is'' an isolation chamber for ultra-dangerous substances. :'''Cindy''': Ooh, scary envelopes. I'm shaking. ''[she and Libby both laugh]'' :'''Jimmy''': I'm serious! Oh, and what part of "Girls stay behind the yellow line" did you not understand?! Perhaps you recall Love Potion 976/J? :'''Carl''': Oh, I do. It made you fall in love with the first person you saw. Sheen fell for Libby, Jimmy fell for Cindy, and I fell in love with the most beautiful woman in the… ''[gasps]'' Nothing. :'''Jimmy''': And these are essence of N-Men. I synthesized them from your DNA after we achieved superpowers. Ingesting your packet will give you your powers back for 30 minutes. :'''Libby''': Ooh, I want to be invisible again! :'''Cindy''': I want to be Special Girl for my karate competition this weekend! :'''Sheen''': I want to be Vibrating Sheen, so I can go to the bathroom all over the world! :'''Jimmy''': No! Don't you guys remember what happened last time we were the N-Men? :'''Cindy''': Yes. :'''Libby''': Yes. :'''Carl''': Yes. :'''Sheen''': So, what if I don't? A lot's happened since then. :'''Jimmy''': You couldn't control your powers. You got so out of control the town locked you up. :'''Cindy''': Excuse me, wasn't there also a big orange monster who went crazy and almost destroyed Retroville? Oh, that's right-- it was you! :'''Jimmy''': The point is, no one touches these unless there's an extreme emergency. I'm talking life-or-death situation, understand? :'''Libby''': But, Jimmy, we won't go crazy like we did last time. :'''Sheen''': Yeah, we're older and wiser-er. :'''Cindy''': We've changed. :'''Jimmy''': People ''don't'' change. Your personality is imprinted on your brain from birth-- look it up. :'''Sheen''': Friends, friends, let us not fight. We'll just agree to disagree. And then we'll break out the N-Men packets and have some fun! :'''Jimmy''': Hmm, let me think. NO! <hr width=50%> :'''King Goobot''': In order to abduct Jimmy Neutron, you'll be split into teams. First team: Baby Eddie and Grandma Taters. :'''Grandma Taters''': Ooh, we're going to have such a good time! :'''Baby Eddie''': I've got to be with the old broad? This stinks! :'''Grandma Taters''': ''[sweetly]'' I could just eat you up… ''[menacingly in her true self]'' and maybe I will! :'''King Goobot''': Team two: Beautiful Gorgeous and the Junkman. :'''The Junkman''': Yuck! :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': The feeling is mutual. :'''Baby Eddie''': Hey, Junkster, I'll trade you Wrinkles for Dollface. :'''King Goobot''': No trading! Team three: Eustace Strych and Professor Calamitous. :'''Eustace''': What?! The guy who can't complete a sentence?! I can't work with that fool. :'''Professor Calamitous''': Watch your tongue, sonny, or I'll… I'll… well, I'll… :'''Eustace''': Yes, fine, get back to me on that before I go to college! <hr width=50%> :''[Aboard The Junkman's ship, the villains circle around Jimmy as he wakes up]'' :'''Jimmy''': ''[gasps in horror]'' King Goobot, Baby Eddie, Grandma Taters, The Junkman, Eustace, Professor Calamitous, Beautiful Gorgeous, Zix, Travoltron, and Tee! :'''Tee''': How come he said my name last?! :'''King Goobot''': Hello, Jimmy. We were just in the neighborhood and thought we'd drop by. Care to go for a little ride? It will be your ''LAST!'' <hr width=50%> :''[The League of Villains put Jimmy on trial]'' :'''King Goobot''': Quiet! Quiet, I say! Quiet. Court is in session. The League of Villains vs. Jimmy Neutron. King Goobot presiding. :'''Jimmy''': Wait-- you're putting me on trial?! :'''King Goobot''': Of course! We're doing things by the book. :'''Jimmy''': What book? :'''King Goobot''': "The Big Book of Sham Trials." Be seated, jury. :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Do I have to sit next to stink boy here? I'm gonna throw up. :'''Professor Calamitous''': He can't smell any worse than this baby. :'''Baby Eddie''': Hey, I'm a baby. Babies poop! What? You didn't poop when you were a baby? :'''King Goobot''': Order! Order! Bailiff, control the jury. :'''Tee''': Man, why do I got to be the bailiff? I want to be on the jury! :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Too late. We already voted. :'''Tee''': How come I didn't get a vote? :'''Villains''': 'Cause you're not on the jury. ''[laughing]'' :'''King Goobot''': Order! Order, I say! James Isaac Neutron, you are charged with blocking the spread of evil, ruining diabolical plans and being an annoying pest. How do you plead? :'''Jimmy''': Well, first I have to say… :'''King Goobot''': Time's up. Thank you. The jury will now read the verdict. :'''Jimmy''': I didn't even get to defend myself! :'''King Goobot''': Hello! This is a League of Villains. What did you expect? Jury, how do you find the defendant? :'''Villains''': Guilty! :'''Jimmy''': What a shock. <hr width=50%> :'''King Goobot''': Jimmy Neutron's sentence has been decided. We shall blast him and his annoying sidekick into deep space! :'''The Junkman''': I still say we should eat him! :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Mr. Noxious, wouldn't you mind staying a minimum of 20 feet away from me so that I don't get nauseous? :'''The Junkman''': Gladly. :'''Baby Eddie''': Hey, Gorgeous, after this is all over, you want to grab dinner and a movie? :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Buzz off, baby. :''[Baby Eddie blows raspberry at her in return]'' :'''Eustace''': Can we wrap this up? I have a polo lesson in two hours. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': I should be able to get us back to Retroville at light speed. Look for some sort of transmitter so I can contact Carl. :'''Sheen''': I don't think that's necessary. :'''Jimmy''': Why not? :'''Sheen''': They're right there. :'''Jimmy''': What?! :'''Sheen''': That's them, all right. Carl's talking, Libby's drying her eyes, and Cindy's driving. :'''Jimmy''': This is terrible! They're heading to save us and we're heading back to… ''[realizes; enraged]'' CINDY'S DRIVING MY ROCKET?! <hr width=50%> :'''Mrs. Vortex''': I demand to know how this happened! :'''Hugh''': Well, Judy was tinkering with Jimmy's stuff. I'd ask her. :'''Judy''': ''[annoyingly miffed]'' Oh, really?! Well, Mr. Let's-Push-All-the-Buttons… :'''Hugh''': Now, honey, name calling won't solve this mess you got us in. Besides, we may be here for a while. Look, some people seem to be adapting. :'''Miss Fowl''': School is in session. Today's lesson is how to not get eaten by a giant fire ant. ''[squawks]'' :'''Butch''': Miss Fowl, a raptor ate my homework. :'''Man''': So, what do you got, Sam? :'''Sam''': Rock burgers, rock dogs and rock lobster with a side of rocks. :'''Man''': I'll just have soup. :'''Sam''': One hot water! Hold the rocks! :'''Judy''': Well, I guess we could live here. I could make curtains and paint the walls with some berry juice. :'''Hugh''': Now, that's the spirit, Sugar. Maybe it will distract you from thinking about our missing Jimbo. :'''Judy''': ''[weeping]'' My baby! :'''Hugh''': Oopsy. There, Sugarbooger. Remember, we're in the Cretaceous Era. We've got millions of years to come up with a plan to save him. :'''Judy''': Hugh, are you aware that most of the things you say make no sense? <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Neutron, what's going on? Who's after you? :'''Jimmy''': Every villain I've ever defeated has banded together to get rid of me for good! :'''Sheen''': Well, maybe if you'd gone along with my plan to come rescue you… :'''Jimmy''': What plan?! :'''Sheen''': Oh, right. :'''Jimmy''': Almost there! :''[The League of Villains block their way]'' :'''Carl''': Bad people! Lots of bad people! <hr width=50%> :''[As Carl, Sheen, Cindy, and Libby drink their N-Men packets, except for Jimmy, whose gotten the love potion instead, Carl confusingly mixes up the packets]'' :'''Jimmy''': You took all the wrong packets! :'''Cindy''': We were ''given'' the wrong packets! :'''Libby''': Carl, you're in big trouble! ''[punches Carl in the gut, whose invisible]'' :'''Carl''': Ow! I'm right next to you! <hr width=50%> :''[Jimmy blow-sprays the love potion on The Junkman and Beautiful Gorgeous, making them in love with each other]'' :'''The Junkman''': You're beautiful! :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Kiss me, you fool! <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Gotta hide somewhere so the villains don't find us. :'''Libby''': There's the moon-- we can hide there! :'''Jimmy''': Good idea. :'''Brobot''': Hi, Jimmy! I missed you! Want to play a game? I can make moon castles! Want to hear a song I wrote? It's called, "I Love Jimmy." ♪ I love Jimmy, I love Jimmy, I love Jimmy, I love Jimmy… ♪ :'''Jimmy''': I'd rather take my chances with the villains. :'''Sheen''': Good call. :'''Cindy''': Agreed. :'''Carl''': Can't blame you. :'''Libby''': Word. <hr width=50%> :'''Grandma Taters''': I'm going to take a little nappy. ''[snores loudly]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Uh, Neutron? We wanted Retroville, not Jungleville. :'''Sheen''': I think the gardeners went on strike. :'''Sam''': ''[while being chased by a raptor]'' HELP! Yeah, yeah. HELP! :'''Miss Fowl''': ''[while being chased by a giant black snake]'' Bad snake! Bad snake! :'''Jimmy''': This ''is'' Retroville. Based on the flora and fauna, I'd say that wormhole transported the town 75 million years in the past. :'''Sheen''': Awesome! Now I don't have to go to the dentist on Thursday! <hr width=50%> :'''Sam''': I just saw an egg, a baby, a granny, a rich kid, and two lizard guys-- yeah. :'''Sheen''': Oh, wait, wait-- I know this joke! :'''Cindy''': It's not a joke, you nimrod! It's the League of Villains! <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': I'd like to see Betty Quinlan do that! <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': So, what'll happen to Goobot and the other villains? :'''Jimmy''': I programmed the force field to wear off after a few minutes. I'm guessing the League of Villains will have their hands full for quite a while. ==External links== * {{imdb title|ch0033574|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius}} * [http://www.nick.com/all_nick/tv_supersites/display_show.jhtml?show_id=jim Jimmy Neutron at Nick.com] {{DEFAULTSORT:Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius, The}} [[Category:The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius seasons]] [[Category:Children's television seasons]] 5uostgdpvnyya0pguqtglj7zwk22nve 3157943 3157941 2022-08-25T21:20:44Z 162.197.99.132 /* Best in Show */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{DISPLAYTITLE:''The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius''/Season 3}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1|1]] [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2|2]] [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3|3]] | [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius|'''Main''']] ---- '''''[[w:The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius]]''''' is a show that ran on Nickelodeon from 2002–2006. The show follows the life of genius kid Jimmy Neutron and his friends and family. It is also based on the 2001 CGI film ''[[Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (film)|Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]''. ===''Attack of the Twonkies''=== :''[Sheen volunteers for the school chorus]'' :'''Sheen''': ''[singing badly]'' '''''HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE--''''' :'''Principal Willoughby''': NEXT!!! :'''Sheen''': Eh, pardon? :'''Principal Willoughby''': Thank you. That's all I needed to hear. :'''Sheen''': Well, I can't say I'm surprised. Now, let's talk rehearsal schedule, man. Tuesdays, I have my action figure support so that's no good for me. Mondays… :'''Principal Willoughby''': Oh, dear. I better explain. Um, Sheen, amigo, I'm afraid you won't be joining the chorus. :'''Sheen''': What?! You're rejecting me?! :'''Principal Willoughby''': Now, now, now, don't take it personally. We needed an alto, and well, you're a… You're a… :'''Miss Fowl''': You're a terrible singer! :'''Principal Willoughby''': Miss Fowl! You see, Sheen, your voice… Um, how shall I put this? :'''Miss Fowl''': Your voice scares small children! :'''Principal Willoughby''': Miss Fowl, please! Look, Sheen, as chorus master, I know talent… :'''Miss Fowl''': And that's what you have: no talent! ''[Principal Willougby is about to burst]'' I'm done. <hr width=50%> :''[Sheen volunteers again disguised a with a mustache]'' :'''Sheen''': ''[singing badly]'' '''''HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE--''''' :'''Principal Willoughby''': NEXT!!! :'''Sheen''': Please let me in the chorus! ''[Miss Fowl rips Sheen's fake mustache off his face]'' My voice grows on you! :'''Miss Fowl''': So do liver spots, but they don't make you look at them! ''[cracks up laughing]'' :'''Principal Willoughby''': Now, Miss Fowl, that's not funny. ''[begins laughing]'' Okay, that's a little funny, but you know… :'''Sheen''': I've got half a mind to report you! :'''Principal Willoughby''': Half a mind? No wonder you can't sing! ''[he and Miss Fowl burst out in laughter as Sheen storms out the auditorium]'' Oh, we are so fired. ''[Miss Fowl looks shocked]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Your Twonkies attacked us in baby sized class! :'''Libby''': They busted my boom box! :'''Miss Fowl''': Those things are a menace! :'''Nick''': Dude, my do is ruined! :'''Butch''': Just when I was learning to love again! :'''Jimmy''': Guys! This isn't the time for blame. If it were I'd be saying things like "I tried to tell you" and "Why didn't you jerks listen to me?" Now all your stories have a common theme. :'''Carl''': Painful biting? :'''Butch''': Massive blood loss? :'''Jimmy''': No! ''Music!'' Harmonic patterns causes the Twonkies to morph into hostile beasts and attack the source of the sound. We've got to shut down ''all'' the music in town before the rest of the Twonkies hear. :'''Libby''': You can't stop the music! :'''Jimmy''': We've ''got'' to! <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': STOP! DON'T SING! :'''Principal Willoughby''': Miss Vortex, thank you for joining us, you're 10 minutes late! :'''Cindy''': Fellow choristers, due to a dangerous situation too complicated to go into now, this rehearsal is cancelled. Now I know how painful this must be for all of you… :''[The choristers cheer, and leave the stand]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': This isn't over, people! If we don't blast that monster back to the comet in the next ten minutes, he's stuck here for another year! :'''Sam''': That's bad. :'''Sheen''': I'll just sing to him every time he wakes up. :'''Miss Fowl''': That's worse! :'''Sam''': Yeah! ===''Lights! Camera! Danger!''=== :''[repeated line]'' :'''Quentin Smithee''': And action! ---- :'''Butch''': Mr. Smithee, uh…how do I start this thing? :'''Quentin Smithee''': I have no idea. Just keep pushing buttons until something happens. And... ---- :'''Quentin Smithee''': ''[found out that Hugh sung the Donut Boy theme song in the alley]'' No. This is the scene where you ''[throws the box of donuts to the ground''] <big>get lost!</big> ===''The N-Men''=== :''[Outer Space; Jimmy and the gang are flying back home to Earth in their Astrocar after playing mini golf on Mercury]'' :'''Sheen''': Engines down! Losing power! Abandon ship! :'''Libby''': You're enjoyin' that massage chair a little too much. :'''Sheen''': Set boosters on "Lower back"! Engage! :'''Carl''': Thanks for taking us miniature golfing on Mercury, Jimmy. Hey, you want some of my extra orange juice my mom packed me? :'''Jimmy''': Thanks, Carl… ''[gulps down the orange juice bottle]'' but we're not home yet. I still have to steer us past the Van Patten Radiation Belt. :'''Cindy''': Ha! Neutron probably thought the low gravity would throw off my backswing. Wrong! As usual. :'''Jimmy''': Hey, hey, how about instead of bragging, you thank me for inviting you along at all?! :'''Cindy''': You're right, Jimmy. Thank you… ''[pause]'' for letting me kick your butt on the back nine! :'''Jimmy''': What is your problem, Vortex?! :'''Cindy''': I don't have a problem! What's your problem?! :'''Jimmy''': Oh, I think you do have a problem! ''[arguing in unison]'' You know what the problem is? :'''Cindy''': ''[arguing in unison]'' No, I'm not the one with the problem, Neutron! :'''Carl''': ''[eating a sandwich while Jimmy and Cindy continue arguing]'' It's so hard to digest when they argue like that. ''[burps]'' <hr width=50%> :''[After passing through the Van Patten Radiation Belt and crash landing back home to Earth, Jimmy and his friends have discovered they've all gotten superpowers]'' :'''Jimmy''': I think I see what happened. You all got superpowers based on what you were doing when the Van Patten rays hit. :'''Cindy''': And you just turned orange? How lame is that? :'''Jimmy''': It's not lame! Maybe my cells store massive amounts of vitamin C or something. :'''Carl''': ''[sniffs]'' Mmm. He does have a pleasing, fruity aroma. :''[He, Cindy, and Libby laugh, making Jimmy cringe in anger]'' :'''Sheen''': Guys, get serious. We've all been endowed with incredible power. And I say we use that power ''to attack Tokyo!'' ''[runs to Tokyo and back]'' Guys, come on, pick up the pace. :'''Jimmy''': Sheen's right! Except for the part about Tokyo-- we have been given incredible power. But we should use it to fight crime. :'''Sheen''': Why didn't I think of that? :'''Libby''': You mean… become superheroes? :'''Cindy''': I hate to admit it, but that ''would'' be cool. :'''Carl''': I can fight crime, but I have to be home by 5:30. :'''Sheen''': Stack hands, everyone. We need to make a solemn vow. :''[All stack hands]'' :'''Sheen''': Let those who do evil beware! From this day forth, we shall be known as: The Fantastic League of Justice-Bringing Avenging Men! :'''Libby''': Excuse me?! :'''Sheen''': And two girls. <hr width=50%> :''[Neutron lab; 3 days later]'' :'''Jimmy''': I know, Goddard, but I can't stop working. I'm still missing one last ingredient for my superpower antidote. If only this mutant gene wasn't so hard to crack. Maybe if I tried a submolecular scam. ''[Screen shows Fatal Gene countdown to six hours]'' No. It can't be! Their powers are burning up their metabolisms! Their life forces will be drained in ''six'' hours! ''[bangs on his keypad]'' GOTTA WORK FASTER! ''[accidentally spills some Purple Flurp on the keyboard]'' No, no, NO! Now I'll ''never'' find a cure in time! ''[becomes extremely livid while throwing a fit]'' Why do I even care?! All they did was mock me. ''[gets up from his seat]'' Especially Cindy! She makes me ''so'' angry! ''[furiously throws a binocular box off-screen, crashing it]'' If only I'd gotten a cool superpower too, then I'd make her pay! I'd make 'em ''ALL'' pay! (''camera zooms in on his eye'') ''[growls crossly]'' What's wrong with me?! (''eye color changes burnt green'') ''[voice deepens]'' Feeling strange. ''[starts transforming into his huge hulk-like form as Goddard watches in fear]'' Thoughts, cloudy. Image of Cindy burning in my brain! :'''Hulk Jimmy''': ''[bursts out through the door of the clubhouse, roaring with rage]'' JIMMY ''DID'' GET SUPERPOWER! NOW JIMMY STRONG! NOW JIMMY '''''SMASH!!!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Sam''': ''[throwing an apple at Hulk Jimmy]'' Take that you misterable mistake of nature, yeah! ''[throws another at him]'' :'''Judy''': No, don't! You're only making him angry! <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Carl, why haven't you tried to perfect your super belches? :'''Carl''': I'm scared to, for my burps are ''way'' to dangerous. :'''Sheen''': But Carl, your destructive potential is part of the reason we love you. :'''Carl''': DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?! No more spice food or carbonated beverages! I've got to guard against even the slightest hiccup! :'''Sheen''': You mean no more chalupas? I feel your pain, dude. <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Guys, I think that orange-rampaging monster is Neutron! :'''Libby''': Those rays must've had some kind of delayed reaction on him. :'''Carl''': We gotta do something. The army might really hurt him! :'''Cindy''': All I did was make fun of him and, he still promised to help us. We have to help him! ===''The Tomorrow Boys''=== :'''Jimmy''': ''[as Future Jimmy opens the door]'' Hi, um, are you Jimmy Neutron? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Future Cindy''': NERDTRON! Nerdtron, what are you doing?! You're supposed to be soaking my mother's feet! And if it's not done every hour on the hour, she experiences severe flaking!! :'''Future Jimmy''': Cindy, can you not call me Nerdtron? ''[scoffs]'' Now that we're married? :''[The word "married" repeats itself, slowing down each time.]'' :'''Jimmy''': <big>'''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…'''''</big>''[commercial break, after which Jimmy is still screaming.]''<big>'''''…OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'''''</big> :'''Carl''': Wow. You just screamed for four minutes, Jim. :'''Sheen''': I'm both impressed ''and'' disturbed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Future Carl''': Yeah. I remember the first time I saw Mrs. V's feet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Jimmy saved the future! :'''Sheen''': That horrible dictator Libby will ''never'' plague us again! ''[they all look at Libby, whose looking super furious]'' Oh. Perhaps I'd better explain. :'''Libby''': ''[enraged]'' You and your stupid robot broke my house! :'''Sheen''': But… :'''Libby''': Ruined my party and destroy my gifts! :'''Sheen''': But… but… :'''Libby''': '''GET OUT!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Libby''': ''[to Sheen]'' Meet me at the Candy Bar, Sheen… ''[throws the door open, revealing his friends cleaning up; angrily]'' '''''AFTER YOU CLEAN MY HOUSE!''''' ===''Fundemonium''=== :'''Baby Quackers''': ''[repeated line]'' Gotta go potty! ''[puddle forms under her]'' Ooopsie! ===''Stranded''=== :'''Jimmy''': And I'm telling you that you can't see the equator! :'''Cindy''': Just an unpopulated area like the Pacific Ocean! :'''Jimmy''': WRONG! The equator's invisible and apparently so is your brain! :'''Cindy''': Well, at least my head doesn't need no time zone! :'''Jimmy''': Why'd you have to go there?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheen''': Ah the sea, who's water grows our gardens, who's electric eels light our homes, who's jellyfish fill our jelly donuts. :'''Libby''': Sheen, none of those things do any of those things. :'''Sheen''': Hey! You try staying awake staring at a stupid ocean! ''(grumbling sound)'' :'''Libby''': What's that sound? Carl, you're supposed to watch our readings. :'''Carl''': I'am. Their fine. :'''Libby''': Well, what does the fuel gauge say? :'''Carl''': It's fine. It's on "E" for…."engored with gas"…? ''(motor stops and hover car falling)'' :''(Everyone is screaming)'' :'''Libby''': Assume crash positions! :'''Sheen''': If you say so… ''(Carl and Sheen making faces)'' :'''Libby''': You know what... just go back to the screaming. ''(Everyone screams again)'' :''(Hover car splash in the ocean)'' :'''Carl''': Is everybody okay? :'''Sheen''': Well, I'am a little concerned that we're STRANDED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN!!!! :'''Carl''': Calm down, Sheen. :'''Sheen''': Don't tell me to calm down! This is all your fault! Anybody with a brian knows that "E" stands for... uh.... "elp yourself to some gas"! :'''Carl''': Does not! :'''Libby''': Guys! :'''Sheen''': Does so! :'''Libby''': Guys! :'''Carl''': Does not! :'''Sheen''': DOES SO! :'''Libby''': GUYS! This isn't helping! Now we need to get through this, we just need a strategy. :'''Carl''': Libby's right. :'''Sheen''': Kiss up. :'''Libby''': Now we're gonna need protein :'''Sheen''': Right, let's cut to the chase: who's eating who? :'''Carl''': Who's eating whom? :'''Sheen''': That's it! I'm eating you! :'''Carl''': Not if I eat you first! :'''Sheen''': I'll eat you in your sleep! :'''Carl''': Better not. :'''Libby''': I'm gonna chow down on both of you if you don't keep QUIET! :'''Carl''': She's right and at least we're in a boat, Jimmy and Cindy have been treading water for hours. :'''Sheen''': Poor guys. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cindy''': You know, I hate to say it Jimmy, but aside from the man-eating plants, giant spiders, and vicious snakes, um… this isn't so bad. :'''Jimmy''': It seems like if we stay out of the denser parts of the jungle, we should be fi… ''(record scratches)'' Did you just call me Jimmy? :'''Cindy''': Well, that is your name… :'''Jimmy''': I know. I just didn't know that you knew. I thought you thought it was "Neutroid", or "Speutron", or "King Cranium" or "Frankenhead"... :'''Cindy''': I know, I know. Jimmy, why do you think we always fight back home? :'''Jimmy:''' Oh, that's easy, because, well, uh... maybe because... uh... Huh... I don't remember. :'''Cindy:''' I don't either. I mean, I know I'm not supposed to like you, but being here on this island away from school and grades and peer pressure, it makes me realize how ridiculous that is. You're a really cool person. :'''Jimmy:''' R-really? ''[Cindy nods her head]'' I've sort of been thinking the same thing about you. :'''Cindy''': Really? Jimmy, if I had to be stranded on a deserted island with anybody, I'm glad it's you. :'''Jimmy:''' Me, too. Um, Cindy, if you're not doing anything tomorrow, well, do you think you might want to... I don't know, hang out together? :'''Cindy''': Hmm, I may have to move some appointments around, but what the heck, I accept. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': I was going to share, and I ate one, but it was so good, so I ate four and I…I…I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON! :'''Sheen''': YOU GOT THAT RIGHT! ''(throws the chocolate away)'' GET HIS LEGS, LIBBY! ''(he grabs Carl)'' :'''Libby''': Sheen, you can't throw Carl overboard. :'''Sheen''': ''(He halts)'' Why not? :'''Libby''': Because he might have more FOOD ON HIM! ''(they start pulling Carl back in and they hear a horn blow)'' Guys, did you hear something? :'''Carl''': It wasn't me. :'''Libby''': ''(gasps)'' It's an ocean liner! Try to get their attention! :'''Carl''': But they're so far away. :'''Libby''': Jimmy must keep a flare in here look around! ''(saw an emergency button)'' I think this is it. :'''Carl''': "For emergencies only." :'''Sheen''': THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! PUSH IT! :''(A light points towards at the ship and explosion)'' :'''Passengers''': We're okay! :'''Libby''': Um… maybe we should just keep this to ourselves. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheen''': I won't give up! Did Lewis and Clark give up?! Did Charles Lindbergh give up?! Did Saul Hoffnitz give up?! :'''Libby''': Who's Saul Hoffnitz? :'''Sheen''': I give up. The point is I'm not going back to Retroville without Jimmy and Cindy! I'm gonna find them even if I HAVE TO TEAR OUT EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF EQUIPMENT IN HERE!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Finished, now put your fuel ingredients into the gas tank. :''(Libby and Carl put all the ingredients into the gas tank, but Sheen pick up some strange rocks and put them into the gas tank)'' :'''Jimmy''': Sheen, what kind's of rocks are those? :'''Sheen''': Well I didn't know what shale look like, but I found these cool rock deep in the jungle. Look! :''(Sheen give the strange rock to Jimmy)'' :'''Jimmy''': These don't feel like rocks at all. they feel like… :''(Libby screamed and they saw a giant spider attack the hover car and they all are hiding in the rock)'' :'''Cindy''': Jimmy, that's the spider that made the web we saw! :'''Jimmy''': I think we put some of her eggs in the gas tank! :'''Carl''': If it destroys the hover car, we'll be stranded here forev… ''(record stretches)'' :'''Sheen, Libby, and Carl''': Did she just call you Jimmy? <hr width="50%"/> ===''Jimmy Goes to College''=== :'''Butch''': Big words: they hurt, they hurt! <hr width=50%> :'''Butch''': Big molecules: they hurt, they hurt! ===''Who's Your Mommy?''=== :'''Jimmy''': Welcome to Planet Schmangy! …Again. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': The strange appetite, the mood swings, the glowing buldges… Carl, I don't know how to say this, so I'll whisper it in Sheen's ear and he'll blurt it out in astonishment. ''[whispers to Sheen]'' :'''Sheen''': Carl is '''''PREGNANT?!''''' :'''Carl''': ''[jumps in shock]'' What!? <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Good news, Carl. I have an idea how to solve this without harming you, or the creature, and, why are nodding no? :'''Carl''': I thought about it, Jim. If it's a boy, I'll name him, Shmengo, and if it's a girl Shmengeta, I want to retain its alien heritage. :'''Jimmy''': ''WHAT?!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Carl, why aren't you more worried? This thing might feed off your insides, or electrocute you, or grow until it splits you in half! :'''Carl''': Yeah, kids can be a handful. ===''Clash of the Cousins''=== :''[Jimmy and his parents show up in the backyard of Aunt Kari's house for Great-Aunt Amanda's birthday with the rest of the Neutrons]'' :'''Jimmy''': ''[carrying her present]'' Happy Birthday, Great-Aunt Amanda! You're looking more beautiful and less wrinkly every year. :'''Aunt Amanda''': No thanks you, young man, your gadgets and gewgaws have taken ten years off my life! :'''Judy''': But, Aunt Amanda, how can you say that? Jimmy's gadgets have saved the town dozens of times. :'''Aunt Kari''': Sure. After he brought down a giant meteor to destroy us all. :'''Uncle Newt''': Or those evil rotting aliens. :'''Cousin Annabelle''': OR PANTS! HORRIBLE WALKING PANTS! :'''Cousin Gomer''': Which cousin are you again? :'''Hugh''': Now, now, now. Newt, Kari, Cousin Gomer, Cousin Annabelle… ''[Baby Eddie babbles]'' and little Eddie, let's not fight. We're gathered together because we love our dear Aunt Amanda and not because her fabulous wealth controls our very destiny. :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, can't we all just get along and be a family? :'''Aunt Amanda''': NO! Because of you, the Neutron name isn't respectable anymore. Why can you be nice like your two young friends? :'''Sheen''': Mmm! I've been waiting all year to eat Aunt Kari's salt patties. :'''Carl''': And this 147 bean salad is the best one yet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Aunt Amanda! I'm so sorry! The spatula's battery must have overloaded! :'''Aunt Amanda''': You little monster! I knew you couldn't be trusted! :'''Jimmy''': It's not supposed to do that! I swear, it will never happen again! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Guys, we have a situation. There is no reason those presents should have exploded. Someone bombarded the spatula with delta waves. Only a genius could come up with a plan like that. And the delta waves came from the backyard. Do you realize what that means? :'''Sheen''': Uh, Jimmy, do you mind if we just keep eating? :'''Jimmy''': It means that there's ''another'' genius in my family besides me. An <u>''evil''</u> genius. :'''Carl''': That's horrible! Hey, Sheen, are you gonna finish that death-by gelato? :'''Jimmy''': Okay, stop eating. :'''Sheen''': Sorry. :'''Carl''': Sorry. :'''Jimmy''': Goddard, isolate the Neutron genius gene. Now, compare the gene against DNA profiles of ''all'' adult family members. Hmm. The two most likely suspects would be…Cousin Gomer or Cousin Annabelle. :'''Carl''': Okay, so what you're saying is that one of them must only be ''acting'' dumb. :'''Sheen''': ''[belches]'' Or crazy. :'''Jimmy''': We gotta find out which one before they make another attempt on my family's lives! :'''Carl''': Right. To the buffet! What? I'm still hungry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Hey, Cousin Annabelle. :'''Cousin Annabelle''': ''[screams]'' DON'T SNEAK UP ON ME! I HAVE SENSELESS PANIC ATTACK SYNDROME! :'''Carl''': Uh, I'm allergic to wheat. :'''Cousin Annabelle''': Oh, really? GO AWAY! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Baby Eddie''': ''[laughing wickedly]'' Haven't you figured it out yet, Jimmy? :'''Jimmy''': ''[shocked]'' Cousin Eddie! :'''Baby Eddie''': I had you barking up the wrong tree. You know, maybe you ain't as bright as everybody thinks. :'''Jimmy''': How can I be so naive? I only checked the DNA of adult Neutrons. I never guessed that… :'''Baby Eddie''': A baby could be as smart as you? Heck, I'm smarter. And, I'm only 17 1/2 months old. Wait till I hit puberty-- bah-bing! :'''Sheen''': Why'd you do it, Cousin Eddie?! WHY?!? :'''Jimmy''': For Aunt Amanda's money, Sheen. :'''Baby Eddie''': Ding! We got a winner! Now, think fast, nimrods! ''[traps the boys and Cousin Gomer in his unbreakable fun rings]'' Don't waste your time. Nothing can escape my unbreakable fun rings. :'''Jimmy''': You're a ''bad'' baby, Eddie, and you got a diaper full of evil! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': ''[facing Baby Eddie]'' Too bad you didn't know about Goddard's backup battery. It's all over, Eddie! Oh, you're going down, baby. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Aunt Amanda''': This is the child you raised?! A vicious, rotten baby mauler?! :'''Jimmy''': It's not what you think, Aunt Amanda! Eddie's an evil genius! He was trying to blow everyone up so he could get your fortune! :'''Baby Eddie''': Goo. :'''Hugh''': He takes after <u>''her''</u> side of the family! ''[points at Judy]'' :'''Judy''': Hugh! :'''Hugh''': He may be adopted. It looks nothing like me. :''[A high-pitched whirring sound is heard]'' :'''Aunt Kari''': Wait. There's that horrible noise again! :'''Jimmy''': I know, Aunt Kari, I reset Eddie's rattle during our struggle. It's programmed to overload. :''[The sound is shown coming from Baby Eddie's rattle]'' :'''Baby Eddie''': Oh, poopy! ''[throws his rattle into the air and it explodes]'' You broke my rattle! You dweeby, no-good, pointy-headed, weasel-faced freak! ''[The adult Neutrons are shocked at his true colors being revealed]'' Uh, I mean… Goo! :'''Aunt Amanda''': That baby's a bad seed! [''to Jimmy''] It's Jimmy who's the good nephew! :''[The other adult Neutrons cheer for Jimmy as Sheen, Carl, and Cousin Gomer exit the house]'' :'''Aunt Kari''': I'm so sorry little Eddie tried to destroy us all. :'''Jimmy''': If I were you Aunt Kari, I'd keep him on a baby leash. :'''Baby Eddie''': Oh, no, not the leash! I'll get you for this, Cousin Jimmy, you hear me?! This ain't finished, not by a long shot! Hey, where's my juicy cup? Where is the cup that I can spill without spilling? :'''Jimmy''': Dad, our family is ''very'' weird. :'''Hugh''': It sure is, son. It sure is. ===''My Big Fat Spy Wedding''=== ===''Crouching Jimmy, Hidden Sheen''=== :'''Jimmy''': ''[in trying to find a way to help Sheen defeat a zealous karate practioner who wants to ursurp Sheen's position as "The Chosen One"]'' There's only one way to help Sheen train. :'''Sheen''': ''[in front of a dojo]'' A tutor? :'''Jimmy''': We have no other choice! :'''Sheen''': Why don't you just make me take piano lessons while I'm at it? :''[The Dojo head, Master Hong, answers the door]'' :'''Master Hong''': Yes? :'''Jimmy''': Master Hong? :'''Sheen''': Dude, aren't you a little old to teach kung-fu? :'''Master Hong''': ''[calmly, holding out a pebble]'' Snatch this pebble from my hand. :'''Sheen''': ''[sarcastically]'' Snatch the pebble… too easy! ''[gets slammed around by Master Hong]'' You're hired! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lead Shangri-Llama Monk''': ''[of Sheen]'' To the Chosen One! Long may he put his leg behind his head! ===''The Incredible Shrinking Town''=== :'''Sheen''': Aw, cheer up, Jimmy. Hey, after the game, you wanna come over to watch ''Wizard of Oz''? I love those little monkeys. ''[Jimmy glares at him]'' What? What'd I say? Man, you dinky guys are so touchy. :'''Jimmy''': You guys have ''no'' idea what it's like to be the short guy. It's like…it's like… :'''Sheen:''' Uh, you're not gonna sing, are you? <hr width=50%> :'''Sheen''': ''[Reading a message about the Vomitorium]'' Do not go on this ride if you have a bad back, bad neck, or hate puking. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Judy''': This is a nightmare. How am I going to clean this house if I'm six inches tall? :'''Hugh''': I know, these are ''dark'' times, Sugarbooger. But look on the bright side. We finally got a jumbo-sized TV! :''[Goddard flies into the living room]'' :'''Judy''': ''[to Jimmy; sharply]'' James Issac Neutron, are you responsible for this? :'''Jimmy''': You know, Mom, we ''could'' waste precious time assigning blame. :'''Judy''': ''[still sharped]'' Jimmy! :'''Jimmy''': Kinda. :'''Judy''': Hugh, speak to your son. <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Now, listen Neutron, you'd better… :'''Carl''': ''[impersonating Mrs. Vortex's voice]'' Cynthia Vortex! Come over here and help your mother clean up Humphrey's extremely large poopy poo-poo! :'''Cindy''': Oh, just make us big Neutron! <hr width=50%> :''[The space bandits have captured the citizens and are taking them on the McSpanky's ship.]'' :'''Cindy''': Well, we can all thank our favorite boy genius for getting us into mortal danger -- ''again!'' :'''Libby''': At least we can say we had an exciting childhood. :'''Carl''': ''[sees the ship]'' Hey, look, it's the old McSpanky's burger joint that we used to work at till you shot it at the sun, Jimmy. :'''Jimmy''': They've turned it into a spaceship. :'''Sheen''': ''[opens a fake treasure chest]'' It's okay, our worries are over! We're rich!! ''[hugs it]'' :''[Jimmy rolls his eyes]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Whoa, whoa, whoa. Time out! May I just remind everybody, this was ALL Neutron's fault?! ===''One of Us''=== :'''Jimmy''': ''(narrating)'' There we were, running for our lives from our best friends and family. How did this happen? It all began on a normal day at school. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Libby, did you just turn some music off? :'''Libby''': ''[turns slowly to Jimmy; also smiling]'' Hello Jimmy, I'm happy to see you. Did you watch "The Happy Show Show" last night? <hr width=50%> :'''Sheen''': Hi, Jimmy. You watched "The Happy Show Show?" :'''Jimmy''': Yes, and it was the worst show ever! It was obnoxious, idiotic, silly, infantile, inane, vapid… Shall I go on? :'''Libby''': You need to watch it again. :'''Jimmy''': ''Again?!'' I could barely watch the first 30 seconds! I thought my TV would explode! I thought I might faint from the fumes of the show's supreme stinkiness! :'''Carl''': You should give it another chance. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': ''[narrating]'' The show was hypnotizing people and turning them into mindless zombies! It didn't effect me because I was only watching the reflection. ''[bursts the door open and enters]'' Betty, snap out of it! You've been hypnotized! Stop watching the TV! :'''Betty''': But I must watch, and you must watch, too. :'''Jimmy''': ''[runs away, screaming as he makes it back to his house]'' Mom, Dad, we've gotta call someone! There's a TV show that's turning everyone into… ''[enters the living room, only to see his parents being hypnotized too]'' :'''Judy and Hugh''': Hello, Jimmy, we're happy to see you. :'''Jimmy''': You too? :'''Judy''': Come sit here and we'll be happy together. :'''Jimmy''': ''[quickly runs out of the house]'' '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!''''' :'''Judy''': Shall we chase him? :'''Hugh''': Nothing would make me happier. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Grandma Taters, I presume! :'''Grandma Taters''': Well, hello, honey, come on in. Would you like some hard candy? :'''Jimmy''': I know what you're up to, lady. :'''Grandma Taters''': ''[pinches Jimmy's cheek]'' Well, aren't you a smart little boy? <hr width=50%> :'''Grandma Taters''': Restraints! :'''Jimmy''': Mom, Dad, you can't do this to me! :'''Judy''': Oh, we're happy to do it. :'''Hugh''': I positively ecstatic. :'''Jimmy''': But you're not supposed to be happy all the time! You have to be sad sometimes! :'''Hugh''': Happily, that's no longer true. :'''Jimmy''': But don't you see? Grandma Taters' show has stolen your emotions and caused you to lose your humanity! Soon, the whole world will be pack of soulless, mindless zombies! :'''Sheen''': Wondering if I care…still wondering… NOPE! <hr width=50%> :'''Grandma Taters''': I'm sorry, girls. I failed. :'''Grandma Clones''': That's alright, honey. Come in for some muffins. And bran juice. ===''Vanishing Act''=== ===''The Trouble with Clones''=== :'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[hijacking into the communication satellite phone in Earth's orbit, making prank calls]'' Yeah, hi, is the U.N. Security Council? I'm looking for Ambassador Shake My Booty, first name Ivanna. :'''Man''': Hold on. Guys! Ivanna Shake My Booty. You heard me: Ivanna Shake My Booty! :''[Laughter is heard through the phone]'' :'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[laughing evilly]'' Oh, mercy! <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Jimmy''': I hate that little dweeb. <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Jimmy''': While the dork's away, the clones will play, eh, pooch? :''[Goddard whimpers and nods yes]'' :'''Jimmy''': You're in big trouble, clone! Step away from that duplicator! :'''Evil Jimmy''': Sorry, no can do, bro. This goodie-two-shoes town of yours ain't big enough for the both of us. :'''Jimmy''': Wait-- you don't know how dangerous that thing is! :'''Evil Jimmy''': Oh, I think I do. ''[starts up his rocket and flies away]'' Hasta la vista, big-head! :'''Jimmy''': Don't worry, Goddard. He forgot about ''my'' rocket. ''[jumps in his rocket but as he starts it up, the engine is clogged up by a watermelon]'' I really hate that clone. <hr width=50%> :'''Hugh''': Hi, Jim-Jam, gettin' ready to visit that new planet in the sky? :'''Jimmy''': New planet? What new planet? ''[Hugh points to the planet in the sky; gasps]'' :'''Hugh''': Sure is pretty. In a creepy, steaming kind of way. :'''Jimmy''': Goddard, deploy telescope. ''[Goddard analyzes the planet to be a cloned Earth; horrified]'' Oh, no-- he's cloned another Earth! My evil clone must've used the Flux Field to clone a duplicate Earth. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Leaping leptons! Evil Jimmy somehow made his cloned Earth just as evil as he is. Better blend in. ''[makes his hair and eyebrows to look like his evil clone]'' Oh, yeah, I'm evil. Oh, yeah, I'm bad. <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Health Inspector''': Well, this place is unsafe, unsanitary, and crawling with vermins. Congratulations. You passed your health inspection. :'''Evil Sam''': I am to displeased, yeah! <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Miss Fowl''': Take your seats, maggots. Evil Cindy and Evil Libby will now give a presentation on wedgies. :'''Evil Cindy''': Thank you, ugly. Class, nothing hurts like a wedgie, and yet few people understand the proper technique. :'''Evil Libby''': May we have a volunteer, ''NICK?!'' :'''Evil Nick''': No, you can't! ''[as Evil Butch pulls him out of his desk seat and shoves him to the girls]'' I'll get you for this! :'''Evil Libby''': Assume to position! :'''Evil Cindy''': Simply reach, grab, and give a forceful 90-degree tug. ''[pulls Evil Nick's underwear harder as he screams in pain]'' :'''Evil Libby''': Note the beads of pain-induced sweat. <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Miss Fowl''': After him! Fly, my pretties, FLY! <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Judy''': Hello, sweetie, home so soon? ''[cutting roses into a bucket]'' I'm just dirtying up the house before dinner. :'''Evil Hugh''': We're having duck again. I must have bagged over 87 bubbleheads this morning. Oh, they quacked for mercy, but I just laughed and laughed. ''[he and Evil Judy both start laughing evilly]'' :'''Jimmy''': This is going to scar me for life. Mom, Dad, I know helping is good, and I know that you're evil, but I'm still your son, right? :'''Evil Hugh''': Yep-a-roonie, ''[combs Jimmy's hair to his normal style]'' our very, very good son. :'''Evil Judy''': Our evil son has ordered us to capture you for experimentation. ''[presses a button on a remote, letting a cage fall in on Jimmy, trapping him]'' :'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[appearing]'' Well, well, well, if it isn't the wimpy dip-headed freak. Hey, nice of you to drop by. I see you met the folks. :''[They all chuckle evilly; Later, Evil Jimmy escorts Jimmy to his lab with Evil Goddard behind, pointing his gun at him]'' :'''Evil Jimmy''': So, what do you think of my little world, doc? :'''Jimmy''': It's sick twisted and smells like old socks! How'd you make this duplicate Earth evil?! :'''Evil Jimmy''': With a dark matter power chip. Yeah, I know, feel free to applaud. <hr width=50%> :'''Hugh''': Ah, goodbye mild backache. ''[the world returns to normal and falls to the ground]'' Hello, blindingly, painful backache. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Clone, no! If you break that chip, the whole planet will get sucked into the dark-matter dimension! :'''Evil Jimmy''': And you'll be trapped with us! ''[breaks the chip into two pieces]'' Catch you on the flip side, wimpy dip! <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': At least my evil clone is gone for good. No one has ever come back from my dark-matter dimension. :'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' You're not gonna get away with this, wimpy dip! You can't keep that an evil clone down! I'll be back! ''[laughs evilly]'' ===''Who Framed Jimmy Neutron?''=== ===''Flippy''=== ===''El Magnifico''=== ===''Best in Show''=== :'''Jimmy''': Goddard? ''[finds Goddard's note next to him in his bed]'' He left me a note in binary code. Better translate. ''[gets up from his bed and inserts the note into his computer]'' '''"Dear Master; Sorry I let you down. You'd be better off with a real dog like everyone says. Your ex-pet, Goddard."''' He ran away! ===''King of Mars''=== :'''Libby''': Wow, the universe is so vast and intricate. I'm bored. :'''Cindy''': Hmm, Libs, keep an eye on Mars for me. It's been acting weird all night. :'''Libby''': ''[sniffing]'' Is that… Eau d'Amino Acid? Girl, you brought us here so you could flirt with Jimmy. :'''Cindy''': Did not! I'm here because Jimmy values my scientific input. :'''Libby''': Why don't those two just get a lab? :'''Cindy''': Hey, Neutron, have you checked out Mars? :'''Jimmy''': Huh? Mars is old news. I'm spotting comets. :'''Cindy''': But it's been showing huge fluctuations in brightness. Definitely worth a good long look. :'''Jimmy''': What's that bewitching scent? :'''Cindy''': You mean my perfume? I just splashed this on when I don't care what I smell like. <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': When a colleague suggests that you look at Mars, it's polite to look at Mars! <hr width=50%> :'''Eustace''': Hello, Neutron! :'''Libby''': ''[to Cindy]'' It's that spoiled rich kid who has it in for Jimmy! :'''Jimmy''': Eustace Strych. I thought you were grounded for life. :'''Eustace''': Yes, well, my daddy's will is easily manipulated. So, Jimmy, did you forget that I'd sworn everlasting vengeance against you? :'''Jimmy''': Hmm, it sort of slipped my mind because I have a life, you loser! :'''Eustace''': Don't get saucy with me. <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Well, it's your fault! ''[points to Jimmy]'' :'''Jimmy''': What?! :'''Cindy''': Oh, don't act dumb! At least Eustace treated me like an equal. You act like I don't even exist! :'''Jimmy''': You are so clueless, Vortex! Of course I know you exist, that’s why I pretend to ignore you! ===''How to Sink a Sub''=== :'''Principal Willoughby''': Heavens to Harvey Fierstein! This isn't the Pomona bypass. :'''Coach Grubber''': Willoughby, you dink! I told you turn left at the Pants Outlet! :'''Hilgo''': I'm frightened and nauseated. Where are we? :'''Miss Fowl''': We're in hyperspace, where no teacher has gone before. I've got a good idea who's responsible for this! <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Spread the word, people! School's out! :''[they throw a party]'' :'''Sheen''': I'm the king of the world! [''gets hit''] :'''Jimmy''': [''flying around the hallway with a rocket board''] Coming through, watch it! [''his rocket board gets magnitized''] Hey, what's wrong with my rocket board?! [''screams as he's pulled by a displeased Judy; shocked''] Mom?! :'''Judy''': You are ''so'' grounded, mister! :'''Hugh''': [''pops out of a trash can''] She's right, Jimbo. I'm afraid your senseless reign of carnage is over. :'''Carl''': Hi, Jimmy. You said to spread the word, so I told our parents. :'''Judy''': You bring your teachers back, this instant. :'''Jimmy''': I can't! They're programmed to come back in a week. :'''Mr. Estevez''': Then, we'll have to round these children up ourselves. Kids? Oh, kids! :'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Allow me, hon. ''[loudly]'' '''QUIET!''' :''[The students all stop partying]'' :'''Judy''': Children, please go to your classrooms. Until Miss Fowl and the others return, we parents will be filling in as substitute teachers. :''[The students all groan and complain in dismay]'' :'''Jimmy''': ''[speechless]'' Substitute teachers? :'''Mr. Wheezer''': Good idea, Judy. The kids shouldn't miss one precious day of education. :'''Jimmy''': Mom, Dad, you can't do this! It'll be totally embarrassing! :'''Hugh''': Don't be silly, Jimbo. Your mother would never dream of embarrassing you. <hr width=50%> :'''Mrs. Wheezer''': What's wrong, Carl? Is my seven-layer soy mulch too tough? Let Mommy pre-chew it for you. :'''Carl''': Mmm! ''[sees Jimmy and Sheen reacting with disgust]'' I mean, gross! :'''Mrs. Wheezer''': You boys enjoy! :'''Jimmy''': I can't take it anymore! I actually wish we had our old teachers back! :'''Carl''': Are you gonna finish your soy mulch? :'''Jimmy''': Parents want to be substitute teachers, huh? Well, I say, it's time to ''sink'' some subs. <hr width=50%> :'''Sheen''': Dad, I'm warning you! Behave yourself! :'''Mr. Estevez''': ''[riding on a motorcycle with Mrs. Wheezer holding on]'' You can't tell me what to do! :'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Stop trying to ruin my life! <hr width=50%> :'''Miss Fowl''': Double time, Neutron! ===''Lady Sings The News''=== :''[Everyone walks away, and Jimmy kisses Cindy.]'' :'''Carl''': Hey, Guys! Okay, you're coming back right? Right? Guys! My scapula! <hr width=50%> :'''Butch''': "Jimmy and Cindy sitting in a--" :''[Cindy forcefully punches him squarely in the stomach.]'' :'''Butch''': ''[panting on the floor]'' "…..tree." ===''The League of Villains''=== :''[Aboard the giant Yolkian chicken ship, King Goobot has gathered every villain Jimmy has defeated together for the first League of Villains meeting]'' :'''King Goobot''': Welcome, fellow villains. I believe introductions are in order. I am King Goobot of Yolkus, and this is my assistant, Ooblar. Oh! Oopsy! ''[chuckles]'' I forgot-- I traded Ooblar to the Bulgosians for some sulfur butter. :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': I'm Beautiful Gorgeous, and I broke out of prison for this, so it better be good. ''[to her father]'' Pop. :'''Professor Calamitous''': Professor Finbarr Calamitous. I recently escaped, too. I used a…well, not a chisel, exactly, more of a long thingy with, uh, sort of forky prongs… :'''Baby Eddie''': ''[annoyed]'' Tick-tock, baldy! Let's move on! I'm Baby Eddie. Yeah, I'm a baby-- deal with it. :'''The Junkman''': The Junkman, purveyor of fine refuse products throughout the galaxy. You trash it, I cash it. :'''Grandma Taters''': I'm Grandma Taters, and I'm so happy to be here! Let's all sing "The Happy Song." ''[takes out her guitar and starts singing]'' ♪ Happy, happy, happy, happy… ♪ :'''Zix''': ''[whistles]'' That'll do, ancient one. We're the space bandits of the Dimdar Galaxy. I'm Zix, and this is Travoltron and Tee. :'''Tee''': Why can't I introduce myself?! :'''Travoltron''': 'Cause he already introduced you, bonehead. :'''Tee''': You calling me a bonehead?! How'd you like to be a no-head?! :'''Eustace''': If you gill breathers are done, I am Eustace Strych, and I could buy and sell you all! :'''The Junkman''': Make me an offer. :'''King Goobot''': Gentlemen, ladies, settle! I've called you here for a reason. :'''Zix''': Hold on, Goobot, this was supposed to be a discussion. How come ''you're'' calling the shots? :'''King Goobot''': Mmm, perhaps it's because I'm a king and you're all…oh, how do I put this? ''NOT'' KINGS! :'''Tee''': You said we'd talk about the villain's role in society. I got stuff to say! :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Our first order of business should be to give this guy a bath. He smells as bad as he looks. :'''The Junkman''': Watch it, toots! :'''King Goobot''': Silence! My friends, we share a common enemy, an enemy who must be stopped! Evil brothers and sisters, we are gathered here to plan the elimination of… JIMMY NEUTRON! :''[The villains cheer as the screen footage shows Jimmy defeating them from throughout the series]'' :'''The Junkman''': Crush that little pip-squeak! :'''King Goobot''': For years, that pesky little genius has defeated us, humiliated us, and almost destroyed us! None of us have been able to conquer Jimmy on our own, but if we band together, we can wipe him off the face of galaxy and let evil triumph! <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Hey, what's this, Nerdtron? :'''Jimmy''': Don't go near that! :'''Cindy''': Okay. Jeez, it's just a bunch of stupid envelopes. :'''Jimmy''': Hardly-- this ''is'' an isolation chamber for ultra-dangerous substances. :'''Cindy''': Ooh, scary envelopes. I'm shaking. ''[she and Libby both laugh]'' :'''Jimmy''': I'm serious! Oh, and what part of "Girls stay behind the yellow line" did you not understand?! Perhaps you recall Love Potion 976/J? :'''Carl''': Oh, I do. It made you fall in love with the first person you saw. Sheen fell for Libby, Jimmy fell for Cindy, and I fell in love with the most beautiful woman in the… ''[gasps]'' Nothing. :'''Jimmy''': And these are essence of N-Men. I synthesized them from your DNA after we achieved superpowers. Ingesting your packet will give you your powers back for 30 minutes. :'''Libby''': Ooh, I want to be invisible again! :'''Cindy''': I want to be Special Girl for my karate competition this weekend! :'''Sheen''': I want to be Vibrating Sheen, so I can go to the bathroom all over the world! :'''Jimmy''': No! Don't you guys remember what happened last time we were the N-Men? :'''Cindy''': Yes. :'''Libby''': Yes. :'''Carl''': Yes. :'''Sheen''': So, what if I don't? A lot's happened since then. :'''Jimmy''': You couldn't control your powers. You got so out of control the town locked you up. :'''Cindy''': Excuse me, wasn't there also a big orange monster who went crazy and almost destroyed Retroville? Oh, that's right-- it was you! :'''Jimmy''': The point is, no one touches these unless there's an extreme emergency. I'm talking life-or-death situation, understand? :'''Libby''': But, Jimmy, we won't go crazy like we did last time. :'''Sheen''': Yeah, we're older and wiser-er. :'''Cindy''': We've changed. :'''Jimmy''': People ''don't'' change. Your personality is imprinted on your brain from birth-- look it up. :'''Sheen''': Friends, friends, let us not fight. We'll just agree to disagree. And then we'll break out the N-Men packets and have some fun! :'''Jimmy''': Hmm, let me think. NO! <hr width=50%> :'''King Goobot''': In order to abduct Jimmy Neutron, you'll be split into teams. First team: Baby Eddie and Grandma Taters. :'''Grandma Taters''': Ooh, we're going to have such a good time! :'''Baby Eddie''': I've got to be with the old broad? This stinks! :'''Grandma Taters''': ''[sweetly]'' I could just eat you up… ''[menacingly in her true self]'' and maybe I will! :'''King Goobot''': Team two: Beautiful Gorgeous and the Junkman. :'''The Junkman''': Yuck! :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': The feeling is mutual. :'''Baby Eddie''': Hey, Junkster, I'll trade you Wrinkles for Dollface. :'''King Goobot''': No trading! Team three: Eustace Strych and Professor Calamitous. :'''Eustace''': What?! The guy who can't complete a sentence?! I can't work with that fool. :'''Professor Calamitous''': Watch your tongue, sonny, or I'll… I'll… well, I'll… :'''Eustace''': Yes, fine, get back to me on that before I go to college! <hr width=50%> :''[Aboard The Junkman's ship, the villains circle around Jimmy as he wakes up]'' :'''Jimmy''': ''[gasps in horror]'' King Goobot, Baby Eddie, Grandma Taters, The Junkman, Eustace, Professor Calamitous, Beautiful Gorgeous, Zix, Travoltron, and Tee! :'''Tee''': How come he said my name last?! :'''King Goobot''': Hello, Jimmy. We were just in the neighborhood and thought we'd drop by. Care to go for a little ride? It will be your ''LAST!'' <hr width=50%> :''[The League of Villains put Jimmy on trial]'' :'''King Goobot''': Quiet! Quiet, I say! Quiet. Court is in session. The League of Villains vs. Jimmy Neutron. King Goobot presiding. :'''Jimmy''': Wait-- you're putting me on trial?! :'''King Goobot''': Of course! We're doing things by the book. :'''Jimmy''': What book? :'''King Goobot''': "The Big Book of Sham Trials." Be seated, jury. :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Do I have to sit next to stink boy here? I'm gonna throw up. :'''Professor Calamitous''': He can't smell any worse than this baby. :'''Baby Eddie''': Hey, I'm a baby. Babies poop! What? You didn't poop when you were a baby? :'''King Goobot''': Order! Order! Bailiff, control the jury. :'''Tee''': Man, why do I got to be the bailiff? I want to be on the jury! :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Too late. We already voted. :'''Tee''': How come I didn't get a vote? :'''Villains''': 'Cause you're not on the jury. ''[laughing]'' :'''King Goobot''': Order! Order, I say! James Isaac Neutron, you are charged with blocking the spread of evil, ruining diabolical plans and being an annoying pest. How do you plead? :'''Jimmy''': Well, first I have to say… :'''King Goobot''': Time's up. Thank you. The jury will now read the verdict. :'''Jimmy''': I didn't even get to defend myself! :'''King Goobot''': Hello! This is a League of Villains. What did you expect? Jury, how do you find the defendant? :'''Villains''': Guilty! :'''Jimmy''': What a shock. <hr width=50%> :'''King Goobot''': Jimmy Neutron's sentence has been decided. We shall blast him and his annoying sidekick into deep space! :'''The Junkman''': I still say we should eat him! :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Mr. Noxious, wouldn't you mind staying a minimum of 20 feet away from me so that I don't get nauseous? :'''The Junkman''': Gladly. :'''Baby Eddie''': Hey, Gorgeous, after this is all over, you want to grab dinner and a movie? :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Buzz off, baby. :''[Baby Eddie blows raspberry at her in return]'' :'''Eustace''': Can we wrap this up? I have a polo lesson in two hours. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': I should be able to get us back to Retroville at light speed. Look for some sort of transmitter so I can contact Carl. :'''Sheen''': I don't think that's necessary. :'''Jimmy''': Why not? :'''Sheen''': They're right there. :'''Jimmy''': What?! :'''Sheen''': That's them, all right. Carl's talking, Libby's drying her eyes, and Cindy's driving. :'''Jimmy''': This is terrible! They're heading to save us and we're heading back to… ''[realizes; enraged]'' CINDY'S DRIVING MY ROCKET?! <hr width=50%> :'''Mrs. Vortex''': I demand to know how this happened! :'''Hugh''': Well, Judy was tinkering with Jimmy's stuff. I'd ask her. :'''Judy''': ''[annoyingly miffed]'' Oh, really?! Well, Mr. Let's-Push-All-the-Buttons… :'''Hugh''': Now, honey, name calling won't solve this mess you got us in. Besides, we may be here for a while. Look, some people seem to be adapting. :'''Miss Fowl''': School is in session. Today's lesson is how to not get eaten by a giant fire ant. ''[squawks]'' :'''Butch''': Miss Fowl, a raptor ate my homework. :'''Man''': So, what do you got, Sam? :'''Sam''': Rock burgers, rock dogs and rock lobster with a side of rocks. :'''Man''': I'll just have soup. :'''Sam''': One hot water! Hold the rocks! :'''Judy''': Well, I guess we could live here. I could make curtains and paint the walls with some berry juice. :'''Hugh''': Now, that's the spirit, Sugar. Maybe it will distract you from thinking about our missing Jimbo. :'''Judy''': ''[weeping]'' My baby! :'''Hugh''': Oopsy. There, Sugarbooger. Remember, we're in the Cretaceous Era. We've got millions of years to come up with a plan to save him. :'''Judy''': Hugh, are you aware that most of the things you say make no sense? <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Neutron, what's going on? Who's after you? :'''Jimmy''': Every villain I've ever defeated has banded together to get rid of me for good! :'''Sheen''': Well, maybe if you'd gone along with my plan to come rescue you… :'''Jimmy''': What plan?! :'''Sheen''': Oh, right. :'''Jimmy''': Almost there! :''[The League of Villains block their way]'' :'''Carl''': Bad people! Lots of bad people! <hr width=50%> :''[As Carl, Sheen, Cindy, and Libby drink their N-Men packets, except for Jimmy, whose gotten the love potion instead, Carl confusingly mixes up the packets]'' :'''Jimmy''': You took all the wrong packets! :'''Cindy''': We were ''given'' the wrong packets! :'''Libby''': Carl, you're in big trouble! ''[punches Carl in the gut, whose invisible]'' :'''Carl''': Ow! I'm right next to you! <hr width=50%> :''[Jimmy blow-sprays the love potion on The Junkman and Beautiful Gorgeous, making them in love with each other]'' :'''The Junkman''': You're beautiful! :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Kiss me, you fool! <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Gotta hide somewhere so the villains don't find us. :'''Libby''': There's the moon-- we can hide there! :'''Jimmy''': Good idea. :'''Brobot''': Hi, Jimmy! I missed you! Want to play a game? I can make moon castles! Want to hear a song I wrote? It's called, "I Love Jimmy." ♪ I love Jimmy, I love Jimmy, I love Jimmy, I love Jimmy… ♪ :'''Jimmy''': I'd rather take my chances with the villains. :'''Sheen''': Good call. :'''Cindy''': Agreed. :'''Carl''': Can't blame you. :'''Libby''': Word. <hr width=50%> :'''Grandma Taters''': I'm going to take a little nappy. ''[snores loudly]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Uh, Neutron? We wanted Retroville, not Jungleville. :'''Sheen''': I think the gardeners went on strike. :'''Sam''': ''[while being chased by a raptor]'' HELP! Yeah, yeah. HELP! :'''Miss Fowl''': ''[while being chased by a giant black snake]'' Bad snake! Bad snake! :'''Jimmy''': This ''is'' Retroville. Based on the flora and fauna, I'd say that wormhole transported the town 75 million years in the past. :'''Sheen''': Awesome! Now I don't have to go to the dentist on Thursday! <hr width=50%> :'''Sam''': I just saw an egg, a baby, a granny, a rich kid, and two lizard guys-- yeah. :'''Sheen''': Oh, wait, wait-- I know this joke! :'''Cindy''': It's not a joke, you nimrod! It's the League of Villains! <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': I'd like to see Betty Quinlan do that! <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': So, what'll happen to Goobot and the other villains? :'''Jimmy''': I programmed the force field to wear off after a few minutes. I'm guessing the League of Villains will have their hands full for quite a while. ==External links== * {{imdb title|ch0033574|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius}} * [http://www.nick.com/all_nick/tv_supersites/display_show.jhtml?show_id=jim Jimmy Neutron at Nick.com] {{DEFAULTSORT:Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius, The}} [[Category:The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius seasons]] [[Category:Children's television seasons]] k7r0aggwb2xpozf7jegeynmszdo56of 3157946 3157943 2022-08-25T21:23:37Z 162.197.99.132 /* How to Sink a Sub */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{DISPLAYTITLE:''The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius''/Season 3}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1|1]] [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2|2]] [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3|3]] | [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius|'''Main''']] ---- '''''[[w:The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius]]''''' is a show that ran on Nickelodeon from 2002–2006. The show follows the life of genius kid Jimmy Neutron and his friends and family. It is also based on the 2001 CGI film ''[[Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (film)|Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]''. ===''Attack of the Twonkies''=== :''[Sheen volunteers for the school chorus]'' :'''Sheen''': ''[singing badly]'' '''''HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE--''''' :'''Principal Willoughby''': NEXT!!! :'''Sheen''': Eh, pardon? :'''Principal Willoughby''': Thank you. That's all I needed to hear. :'''Sheen''': Well, I can't say I'm surprised. Now, let's talk rehearsal schedule, man. Tuesdays, I have my action figure support so that's no good for me. Mondays… :'''Principal Willoughby''': Oh, dear. I better explain. Um, Sheen, amigo, I'm afraid you won't be joining the chorus. :'''Sheen''': What?! You're rejecting me?! :'''Principal Willoughby''': Now, now, now, don't take it personally. We needed an alto, and well, you're a… You're a… :'''Miss Fowl''': You're a terrible singer! :'''Principal Willoughby''': Miss Fowl! You see, Sheen, your voice… Um, how shall I put this? :'''Miss Fowl''': Your voice scares small children! :'''Principal Willoughby''': Miss Fowl, please! Look, Sheen, as chorus master, I know talent… :'''Miss Fowl''': And that's what you have: no talent! ''[Principal Willougby is about to burst]'' I'm done. <hr width=50%> :''[Sheen volunteers again disguised a with a mustache]'' :'''Sheen''': ''[singing badly]'' '''''HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE--''''' :'''Principal Willoughby''': NEXT!!! :'''Sheen''': Please let me in the chorus! ''[Miss Fowl rips Sheen's fake mustache off his face]'' My voice grows on you! :'''Miss Fowl''': So do liver spots, but they don't make you look at them! ''[cracks up laughing]'' :'''Principal Willoughby''': Now, Miss Fowl, that's not funny. ''[begins laughing]'' Okay, that's a little funny, but you know… :'''Sheen''': I've got half a mind to report you! :'''Principal Willoughby''': Half a mind? No wonder you can't sing! ''[he and Miss Fowl burst out in laughter as Sheen storms out the auditorium]'' Oh, we are so fired. ''[Miss Fowl looks shocked]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Your Twonkies attacked us in baby sized class! :'''Libby''': They busted my boom box! :'''Miss Fowl''': Those things are a menace! :'''Nick''': Dude, my do is ruined! :'''Butch''': Just when I was learning to love again! :'''Jimmy''': Guys! This isn't the time for blame. If it were I'd be saying things like "I tried to tell you" and "Why didn't you jerks listen to me?" Now all your stories have a common theme. :'''Carl''': Painful biting? :'''Butch''': Massive blood loss? :'''Jimmy''': No! ''Music!'' Harmonic patterns causes the Twonkies to morph into hostile beasts and attack the source of the sound. We've got to shut down ''all'' the music in town before the rest of the Twonkies hear. :'''Libby''': You can't stop the music! :'''Jimmy''': We've ''got'' to! <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': STOP! DON'T SING! :'''Principal Willoughby''': Miss Vortex, thank you for joining us, you're 10 minutes late! :'''Cindy''': Fellow choristers, due to a dangerous situation too complicated to go into now, this rehearsal is cancelled. Now I know how painful this must be for all of you… :''[The choristers cheer, and leave the stand]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': This isn't over, people! If we don't blast that monster back to the comet in the next ten minutes, he's stuck here for another year! :'''Sam''': That's bad. :'''Sheen''': I'll just sing to him every time he wakes up. :'''Miss Fowl''': That's worse! :'''Sam''': Yeah! ===''Lights! Camera! Danger!''=== :''[repeated line]'' :'''Quentin Smithee''': And action! ---- :'''Butch''': Mr. Smithee, uh…how do I start this thing? :'''Quentin Smithee''': I have no idea. Just keep pushing buttons until something happens. And... ---- :'''Quentin Smithee''': ''[found out that Hugh sung the Donut Boy theme song in the alley]'' No. This is the scene where you ''[throws the box of donuts to the ground''] <big>get lost!</big> ===''The N-Men''=== :''[Outer Space; Jimmy and the gang are flying back home to Earth in their Astrocar after playing mini golf on Mercury]'' :'''Sheen''': Engines down! Losing power! Abandon ship! :'''Libby''': You're enjoyin' that massage chair a little too much. :'''Sheen''': Set boosters on "Lower back"! Engage! :'''Carl''': Thanks for taking us miniature golfing on Mercury, Jimmy. Hey, you want some of my extra orange juice my mom packed me? :'''Jimmy''': Thanks, Carl… ''[gulps down the orange juice bottle]'' but we're not home yet. I still have to steer us past the Van Patten Radiation Belt. :'''Cindy''': Ha! Neutron probably thought the low gravity would throw off my backswing. Wrong! As usual. :'''Jimmy''': Hey, hey, how about instead of bragging, you thank me for inviting you along at all?! :'''Cindy''': You're right, Jimmy. Thank you… ''[pause]'' for letting me kick your butt on the back nine! :'''Jimmy''': What is your problem, Vortex?! :'''Cindy''': I don't have a problem! What's your problem?! :'''Jimmy''': Oh, I think you do have a problem! ''[arguing in unison]'' You know what the problem is? :'''Cindy''': ''[arguing in unison]'' No, I'm not the one with the problem, Neutron! :'''Carl''': ''[eating a sandwich while Jimmy and Cindy continue arguing]'' It's so hard to digest when they argue like that. ''[burps]'' <hr width=50%> :''[After passing through the Van Patten Radiation Belt and crash landing back home to Earth, Jimmy and his friends have discovered they've all gotten superpowers]'' :'''Jimmy''': I think I see what happened. You all got superpowers based on what you were doing when the Van Patten rays hit. :'''Cindy''': And you just turned orange? How lame is that? :'''Jimmy''': It's not lame! Maybe my cells store massive amounts of vitamin C or something. :'''Carl''': ''[sniffs]'' Mmm. He does have a pleasing, fruity aroma. :''[He, Cindy, and Libby laugh, making Jimmy cringe in anger]'' :'''Sheen''': Guys, get serious. We've all been endowed with incredible power. And I say we use that power ''to attack Tokyo!'' ''[runs to Tokyo and back]'' Guys, come on, pick up the pace. :'''Jimmy''': Sheen's right! Except for the part about Tokyo-- we have been given incredible power. But we should use it to fight crime. :'''Sheen''': Why didn't I think of that? :'''Libby''': You mean… become superheroes? :'''Cindy''': I hate to admit it, but that ''would'' be cool. :'''Carl''': I can fight crime, but I have to be home by 5:30. :'''Sheen''': Stack hands, everyone. We need to make a solemn vow. :''[All stack hands]'' :'''Sheen''': Let those who do evil beware! From this day forth, we shall be known as: The Fantastic League of Justice-Bringing Avenging Men! :'''Libby''': Excuse me?! :'''Sheen''': And two girls. <hr width=50%> :''[Neutron lab; 3 days later]'' :'''Jimmy''': I know, Goddard, but I can't stop working. I'm still missing one last ingredient for my superpower antidote. If only this mutant gene wasn't so hard to crack. Maybe if I tried a submolecular scam. ''[Screen shows Fatal Gene countdown to six hours]'' No. It can't be! Their powers are burning up their metabolisms! Their life forces will be drained in ''six'' hours! ''[bangs on his keypad]'' GOTTA WORK FASTER! ''[accidentally spills some Purple Flurp on the keyboard]'' No, no, NO! Now I'll ''never'' find a cure in time! ''[becomes extremely livid while throwing a fit]'' Why do I even care?! All they did was mock me. ''[gets up from his seat]'' Especially Cindy! She makes me ''so'' angry! ''[furiously throws a binocular box off-screen, crashing it]'' If only I'd gotten a cool superpower too, then I'd make her pay! I'd make 'em ''ALL'' pay! (''camera zooms in on his eye'') ''[growls crossly]'' What's wrong with me?! (''eye color changes burnt green'') ''[voice deepens]'' Feeling strange. ''[starts transforming into his huge hulk-like form as Goddard watches in fear]'' Thoughts, cloudy. Image of Cindy burning in my brain! :'''Hulk Jimmy''': ''[bursts out through the door of the clubhouse, roaring with rage]'' JIMMY ''DID'' GET SUPERPOWER! NOW JIMMY STRONG! NOW JIMMY '''''SMASH!!!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Sam''': ''[throwing an apple at Hulk Jimmy]'' Take that you misterable mistake of nature, yeah! ''[throws another at him]'' :'''Judy''': No, don't! You're only making him angry! <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Carl, why haven't you tried to perfect your super belches? :'''Carl''': I'm scared to, for my burps are ''way'' to dangerous. :'''Sheen''': But Carl, your destructive potential is part of the reason we love you. :'''Carl''': DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?! No more spice food or carbonated beverages! I've got to guard against even the slightest hiccup! :'''Sheen''': You mean no more chalupas? I feel your pain, dude. <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Guys, I think that orange-rampaging monster is Neutron! :'''Libby''': Those rays must've had some kind of delayed reaction on him. :'''Carl''': We gotta do something. The army might really hurt him! :'''Cindy''': All I did was make fun of him and, he still promised to help us. We have to help him! ===''The Tomorrow Boys''=== :'''Jimmy''': ''[as Future Jimmy opens the door]'' Hi, um, are you Jimmy Neutron? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Future Cindy''': NERDTRON! Nerdtron, what are you doing?! You're supposed to be soaking my mother's feet! And if it's not done every hour on the hour, she experiences severe flaking!! :'''Future Jimmy''': Cindy, can you not call me Nerdtron? ''[scoffs]'' Now that we're married? :''[The word "married" repeats itself, slowing down each time.]'' :'''Jimmy''': <big>'''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…'''''</big>''[commercial break, after which Jimmy is still screaming.]''<big>'''''…OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'''''</big> :'''Carl''': Wow. You just screamed for four minutes, Jim. :'''Sheen''': I'm both impressed ''and'' disturbed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Future Carl''': Yeah. I remember the first time I saw Mrs. V's feet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Jimmy saved the future! :'''Sheen''': That horrible dictator Libby will ''never'' plague us again! ''[they all look at Libby, whose looking super furious]'' Oh. Perhaps I'd better explain. :'''Libby''': ''[enraged]'' You and your stupid robot broke my house! :'''Sheen''': But… :'''Libby''': Ruined my party and destroy my gifts! :'''Sheen''': But… but… :'''Libby''': '''GET OUT!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Libby''': ''[to Sheen]'' Meet me at the Candy Bar, Sheen… ''[throws the door open, revealing his friends cleaning up; angrily]'' '''''AFTER YOU CLEAN MY HOUSE!''''' ===''Fundemonium''=== :'''Baby Quackers''': ''[repeated line]'' Gotta go potty! ''[puddle forms under her]'' Ooopsie! ===''Stranded''=== :'''Jimmy''': And I'm telling you that you can't see the equator! :'''Cindy''': Just an unpopulated area like the Pacific Ocean! :'''Jimmy''': WRONG! The equator's invisible and apparently so is your brain! :'''Cindy''': Well, at least my head doesn't need no time zone! :'''Jimmy''': Why'd you have to go there?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheen''': Ah the sea, who's water grows our gardens, who's electric eels light our homes, who's jellyfish fill our jelly donuts. :'''Libby''': Sheen, none of those things do any of those things. :'''Sheen''': Hey! You try staying awake staring at a stupid ocean! ''(grumbling sound)'' :'''Libby''': What's that sound? Carl, you're supposed to watch our readings. :'''Carl''': I'am. Their fine. :'''Libby''': Well, what does the fuel gauge say? :'''Carl''': It's fine. It's on "E" for…."engored with gas"…? ''(motor stops and hover car falling)'' :''(Everyone is screaming)'' :'''Libby''': Assume crash positions! :'''Sheen''': If you say so… ''(Carl and Sheen making faces)'' :'''Libby''': You know what... just go back to the screaming. ''(Everyone screams again)'' :''(Hover car splash in the ocean)'' :'''Carl''': Is everybody okay? :'''Sheen''': Well, I'am a little concerned that we're STRANDED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN!!!! :'''Carl''': Calm down, Sheen. :'''Sheen''': Don't tell me to calm down! This is all your fault! Anybody with a brian knows that "E" stands for... uh.... "elp yourself to some gas"! :'''Carl''': Does not! :'''Libby''': Guys! :'''Sheen''': Does so! :'''Libby''': Guys! :'''Carl''': Does not! :'''Sheen''': DOES SO! :'''Libby''': GUYS! This isn't helping! Now we need to get through this, we just need a strategy. :'''Carl''': Libby's right. :'''Sheen''': Kiss up. :'''Libby''': Now we're gonna need protein :'''Sheen''': Right, let's cut to the chase: who's eating who? :'''Carl''': Who's eating whom? :'''Sheen''': That's it! I'm eating you! :'''Carl''': Not if I eat you first! :'''Sheen''': I'll eat you in your sleep! :'''Carl''': Better not. :'''Libby''': I'm gonna chow down on both of you if you don't keep QUIET! :'''Carl''': She's right and at least we're in a boat, Jimmy and Cindy have been treading water for hours. :'''Sheen''': Poor guys. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cindy''': You know, I hate to say it Jimmy, but aside from the man-eating plants, giant spiders, and vicious snakes, um… this isn't so bad. :'''Jimmy''': It seems like if we stay out of the denser parts of the jungle, we should be fi… ''(record scratches)'' Did you just call me Jimmy? :'''Cindy''': Well, that is your name… :'''Jimmy''': I know. I just didn't know that you knew. I thought you thought it was "Neutroid", or "Speutron", or "King Cranium" or "Frankenhead"... :'''Cindy''': I know, I know. Jimmy, why do you think we always fight back home? :'''Jimmy:''' Oh, that's easy, because, well, uh... maybe because... uh... Huh... I don't remember. :'''Cindy:''' I don't either. I mean, I know I'm not supposed to like you, but being here on this island away from school and grades and peer pressure, it makes me realize how ridiculous that is. You're a really cool person. :'''Jimmy:''' R-really? ''[Cindy nods her head]'' I've sort of been thinking the same thing about you. :'''Cindy''': Really? Jimmy, if I had to be stranded on a deserted island with anybody, I'm glad it's you. :'''Jimmy:''' Me, too. Um, Cindy, if you're not doing anything tomorrow, well, do you think you might want to... I don't know, hang out together? :'''Cindy''': Hmm, I may have to move some appointments around, but what the heck, I accept. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': I was going to share, and I ate one, but it was so good, so I ate four and I…I…I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON! :'''Sheen''': YOU GOT THAT RIGHT! ''(throws the chocolate away)'' GET HIS LEGS, LIBBY! ''(he grabs Carl)'' :'''Libby''': Sheen, you can't throw Carl overboard. :'''Sheen''': ''(He halts)'' Why not? :'''Libby''': Because he might have more FOOD ON HIM! ''(they start pulling Carl back in and they hear a horn blow)'' Guys, did you hear something? :'''Carl''': It wasn't me. :'''Libby''': ''(gasps)'' It's an ocean liner! Try to get their attention! :'''Carl''': But they're so far away. :'''Libby''': Jimmy must keep a flare in here look around! ''(saw an emergency button)'' I think this is it. :'''Carl''': "For emergencies only." :'''Sheen''': THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! PUSH IT! :''(A light points towards at the ship and explosion)'' :'''Passengers''': We're okay! :'''Libby''': Um… maybe we should just keep this to ourselves. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheen''': I won't give up! Did Lewis and Clark give up?! Did Charles Lindbergh give up?! Did Saul Hoffnitz give up?! :'''Libby''': Who's Saul Hoffnitz? :'''Sheen''': I give up. The point is I'm not going back to Retroville without Jimmy and Cindy! I'm gonna find them even if I HAVE TO TEAR OUT EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF EQUIPMENT IN HERE!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Finished, now put your fuel ingredients into the gas tank. :''(Libby and Carl put all the ingredients into the gas tank, but Sheen pick up some strange rocks and put them into the gas tank)'' :'''Jimmy''': Sheen, what kind's of rocks are those? :'''Sheen''': Well I didn't know what shale look like, but I found these cool rock deep in the jungle. Look! :''(Sheen give the strange rock to Jimmy)'' :'''Jimmy''': These don't feel like rocks at all. they feel like… :''(Libby screamed and they saw a giant spider attack the hover car and they all are hiding in the rock)'' :'''Cindy''': Jimmy, that's the spider that made the web we saw! :'''Jimmy''': I think we put some of her eggs in the gas tank! :'''Carl''': If it destroys the hover car, we'll be stranded here forev… ''(record stretches)'' :'''Sheen, Libby, and Carl''': Did she just call you Jimmy? <hr width="50%"/> ===''Jimmy Goes to College''=== :'''Butch''': Big words: they hurt, they hurt! <hr width=50%> :'''Butch''': Big molecules: they hurt, they hurt! ===''Who's Your Mommy?''=== :'''Jimmy''': Welcome to Planet Schmangy! …Again. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': The strange appetite, the mood swings, the glowing buldges… Carl, I don't know how to say this, so I'll whisper it in Sheen's ear and he'll blurt it out in astonishment. ''[whispers to Sheen]'' :'''Sheen''': Carl is '''''PREGNANT?!''''' :'''Carl''': ''[jumps in shock]'' What!? <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Good news, Carl. I have an idea how to solve this without harming you, or the creature, and, why are nodding no? :'''Carl''': I thought about it, Jim. If it's a boy, I'll name him, Shmengo, and if it's a girl Shmengeta, I want to retain its alien heritage. :'''Jimmy''': ''WHAT?!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Carl, why aren't you more worried? This thing might feed off your insides, or electrocute you, or grow until it splits you in half! :'''Carl''': Yeah, kids can be a handful. ===''Clash of the Cousins''=== :''[Jimmy and his parents show up in the backyard of Aunt Kari's house for Great-Aunt Amanda's birthday with the rest of the Neutrons]'' :'''Jimmy''': ''[carrying her present]'' Happy Birthday, Great-Aunt Amanda! You're looking more beautiful and less wrinkly every year. :'''Aunt Amanda''': No thanks you, young man, your gadgets and gewgaws have taken ten years off my life! :'''Judy''': But, Aunt Amanda, how can you say that? Jimmy's gadgets have saved the town dozens of times. :'''Aunt Kari''': Sure. After he brought down a giant meteor to destroy us all. :'''Uncle Newt''': Or those evil rotting aliens. :'''Cousin Annabelle''': OR PANTS! HORRIBLE WALKING PANTS! :'''Cousin Gomer''': Which cousin are you again? :'''Hugh''': Now, now, now. Newt, Kari, Cousin Gomer, Cousin Annabelle… ''[Baby Eddie babbles]'' and little Eddie, let's not fight. We're gathered together because we love our dear Aunt Amanda and not because her fabulous wealth controls our very destiny. :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, can't we all just get along and be a family? :'''Aunt Amanda''': NO! Because of you, the Neutron name isn't respectable anymore. Why can you be nice like your two young friends? :'''Sheen''': Mmm! I've been waiting all year to eat Aunt Kari's salt patties. :'''Carl''': And this 147 bean salad is the best one yet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Aunt Amanda! I'm so sorry! The spatula's battery must have overloaded! :'''Aunt Amanda''': You little monster! I knew you couldn't be trusted! :'''Jimmy''': It's not supposed to do that! I swear, it will never happen again! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Guys, we have a situation. There is no reason those presents should have exploded. Someone bombarded the spatula with delta waves. Only a genius could come up with a plan like that. And the delta waves came from the backyard. Do you realize what that means? :'''Sheen''': Uh, Jimmy, do you mind if we just keep eating? :'''Jimmy''': It means that there's ''another'' genius in my family besides me. An <u>''evil''</u> genius. :'''Carl''': That's horrible! Hey, Sheen, are you gonna finish that death-by gelato? :'''Jimmy''': Okay, stop eating. :'''Sheen''': Sorry. :'''Carl''': Sorry. :'''Jimmy''': Goddard, isolate the Neutron genius gene. Now, compare the gene against DNA profiles of ''all'' adult family members. Hmm. The two most likely suspects would be…Cousin Gomer or Cousin Annabelle. :'''Carl''': Okay, so what you're saying is that one of them must only be ''acting'' dumb. :'''Sheen''': ''[belches]'' Or crazy. :'''Jimmy''': We gotta find out which one before they make another attempt on my family's lives! :'''Carl''': Right. To the buffet! What? I'm still hungry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Hey, Cousin Annabelle. :'''Cousin Annabelle''': ''[screams]'' DON'T SNEAK UP ON ME! I HAVE SENSELESS PANIC ATTACK SYNDROME! :'''Carl''': Uh, I'm allergic to wheat. :'''Cousin Annabelle''': Oh, really? GO AWAY! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Baby Eddie''': ''[laughing wickedly]'' Haven't you figured it out yet, Jimmy? :'''Jimmy''': ''[shocked]'' Cousin Eddie! :'''Baby Eddie''': I had you barking up the wrong tree. You know, maybe you ain't as bright as everybody thinks. :'''Jimmy''': How can I be so naive? I only checked the DNA of adult Neutrons. I never guessed that… :'''Baby Eddie''': A baby could be as smart as you? Heck, I'm smarter. And, I'm only 17 1/2 months old. Wait till I hit puberty-- bah-bing! :'''Sheen''': Why'd you do it, Cousin Eddie?! WHY?!? :'''Jimmy''': For Aunt Amanda's money, Sheen. :'''Baby Eddie''': Ding! We got a winner! Now, think fast, nimrods! ''[traps the boys and Cousin Gomer in his unbreakable fun rings]'' Don't waste your time. Nothing can escape my unbreakable fun rings. :'''Jimmy''': You're a ''bad'' baby, Eddie, and you got a diaper full of evil! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': ''[facing Baby Eddie]'' Too bad you didn't know about Goddard's backup battery. It's all over, Eddie! Oh, you're going down, baby. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Aunt Amanda''': This is the child you raised?! A vicious, rotten baby mauler?! :'''Jimmy''': It's not what you think, Aunt Amanda! Eddie's an evil genius! He was trying to blow everyone up so he could get your fortune! :'''Baby Eddie''': Goo. :'''Hugh''': He takes after <u>''her''</u> side of the family! ''[points at Judy]'' :'''Judy''': Hugh! :'''Hugh''': He may be adopted. It looks nothing like me. :''[A high-pitched whirring sound is heard]'' :'''Aunt Kari''': Wait. There's that horrible noise again! :'''Jimmy''': I know, Aunt Kari, I reset Eddie's rattle during our struggle. It's programmed to overload. :''[The sound is shown coming from Baby Eddie's rattle]'' :'''Baby Eddie''': Oh, poopy! ''[throws his rattle into the air and it explodes]'' You broke my rattle! You dweeby, no-good, pointy-headed, weasel-faced freak! ''[The adult Neutrons are shocked at his true colors being revealed]'' Uh, I mean… Goo! :'''Aunt Amanda''': That baby's a bad seed! [''to Jimmy''] It's Jimmy who's the good nephew! :''[The other adult Neutrons cheer for Jimmy as Sheen, Carl, and Cousin Gomer exit the house]'' :'''Aunt Kari''': I'm so sorry little Eddie tried to destroy us all. :'''Jimmy''': If I were you Aunt Kari, I'd keep him on a baby leash. :'''Baby Eddie''': Oh, no, not the leash! I'll get you for this, Cousin Jimmy, you hear me?! This ain't finished, not by a long shot! Hey, where's my juicy cup? Where is the cup that I can spill without spilling? :'''Jimmy''': Dad, our family is ''very'' weird. :'''Hugh''': It sure is, son. It sure is. ===''My Big Fat Spy Wedding''=== ===''Crouching Jimmy, Hidden Sheen''=== :'''Jimmy''': ''[in trying to find a way to help Sheen defeat a zealous karate practioner who wants to ursurp Sheen's position as "The Chosen One"]'' There's only one way to help Sheen train. :'''Sheen''': ''[in front of a dojo]'' A tutor? :'''Jimmy''': We have no other choice! :'''Sheen''': Why don't you just make me take piano lessons while I'm at it? :''[The Dojo head, Master Hong, answers the door]'' :'''Master Hong''': Yes? :'''Jimmy''': Master Hong? :'''Sheen''': Dude, aren't you a little old to teach kung-fu? :'''Master Hong''': ''[calmly, holding out a pebble]'' Snatch this pebble from my hand. :'''Sheen''': ''[sarcastically]'' Snatch the pebble… too easy! ''[gets slammed around by Master Hong]'' You're hired! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lead Shangri-Llama Monk''': ''[of Sheen]'' To the Chosen One! Long may he put his leg behind his head! ===''The Incredible Shrinking Town''=== :'''Sheen''': Aw, cheer up, Jimmy. Hey, after the game, you wanna come over to watch ''Wizard of Oz''? I love those little monkeys. ''[Jimmy glares at him]'' What? What'd I say? Man, you dinky guys are so touchy. :'''Jimmy''': You guys have ''no'' idea what it's like to be the short guy. It's like…it's like… :'''Sheen:''' Uh, you're not gonna sing, are you? <hr width=50%> :'''Sheen''': ''[Reading a message about the Vomitorium]'' Do not go on this ride if you have a bad back, bad neck, or hate puking. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Judy''': This is a nightmare. How am I going to clean this house if I'm six inches tall? :'''Hugh''': I know, these are ''dark'' times, Sugarbooger. But look on the bright side. We finally got a jumbo-sized TV! :''[Goddard flies into the living room]'' :'''Judy''': ''[to Jimmy; sharply]'' James Issac Neutron, are you responsible for this? :'''Jimmy''': You know, Mom, we ''could'' waste precious time assigning blame. :'''Judy''': ''[still sharped]'' Jimmy! :'''Jimmy''': Kinda. :'''Judy''': Hugh, speak to your son. <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Now, listen Neutron, you'd better… :'''Carl''': ''[impersonating Mrs. Vortex's voice]'' Cynthia Vortex! Come over here and help your mother clean up Humphrey's extremely large poopy poo-poo! :'''Cindy''': Oh, just make us big Neutron! <hr width=50%> :''[The space bandits have captured the citizens and are taking them on the McSpanky's ship.]'' :'''Cindy''': Well, we can all thank our favorite boy genius for getting us into mortal danger -- ''again!'' :'''Libby''': At least we can say we had an exciting childhood. :'''Carl''': ''[sees the ship]'' Hey, look, it's the old McSpanky's burger joint that we used to work at till you shot it at the sun, Jimmy. :'''Jimmy''': They've turned it into a spaceship. :'''Sheen''': ''[opens a fake treasure chest]'' It's okay, our worries are over! We're rich!! ''[hugs it]'' :''[Jimmy rolls his eyes]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Whoa, whoa, whoa. Time out! May I just remind everybody, this was ALL Neutron's fault?! ===''One of Us''=== :'''Jimmy''': ''(narrating)'' There we were, running for our lives from our best friends and family. How did this happen? It all began on a normal day at school. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Libby, did you just turn some music off? :'''Libby''': ''[turns slowly to Jimmy; also smiling]'' Hello Jimmy, I'm happy to see you. Did you watch "The Happy Show Show" last night? <hr width=50%> :'''Sheen''': Hi, Jimmy. You watched "The Happy Show Show?" :'''Jimmy''': Yes, and it was the worst show ever! It was obnoxious, idiotic, silly, infantile, inane, vapid… Shall I go on? :'''Libby''': You need to watch it again. :'''Jimmy''': ''Again?!'' I could barely watch the first 30 seconds! I thought my TV would explode! I thought I might faint from the fumes of the show's supreme stinkiness! :'''Carl''': You should give it another chance. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': ''[narrating]'' The show was hypnotizing people and turning them into mindless zombies! It didn't effect me because I was only watching the reflection. ''[bursts the door open and enters]'' Betty, snap out of it! You've been hypnotized! Stop watching the TV! :'''Betty''': But I must watch, and you must watch, too. :'''Jimmy''': ''[runs away, screaming as he makes it back to his house]'' Mom, Dad, we've gotta call someone! There's a TV show that's turning everyone into… ''[enters the living room, only to see his parents being hypnotized too]'' :'''Judy and Hugh''': Hello, Jimmy, we're happy to see you. :'''Jimmy''': You too? :'''Judy''': Come sit here and we'll be happy together. :'''Jimmy''': ''[quickly runs out of the house]'' '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!''''' :'''Judy''': Shall we chase him? :'''Hugh''': Nothing would make me happier. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Grandma Taters, I presume! :'''Grandma Taters''': Well, hello, honey, come on in. Would you like some hard candy? :'''Jimmy''': I know what you're up to, lady. :'''Grandma Taters''': ''[pinches Jimmy's cheek]'' Well, aren't you a smart little boy? <hr width=50%> :'''Grandma Taters''': Restraints! :'''Jimmy''': Mom, Dad, you can't do this to me! :'''Judy''': Oh, we're happy to do it. :'''Hugh''': I positively ecstatic. :'''Jimmy''': But you're not supposed to be happy all the time! You have to be sad sometimes! :'''Hugh''': Happily, that's no longer true. :'''Jimmy''': But don't you see? Grandma Taters' show has stolen your emotions and caused you to lose your humanity! Soon, the whole world will be pack of soulless, mindless zombies! :'''Sheen''': Wondering if I care…still wondering… NOPE! <hr width=50%> :'''Grandma Taters''': I'm sorry, girls. I failed. :'''Grandma Clones''': That's alright, honey. Come in for some muffins. And bran juice. ===''Vanishing Act''=== ===''The Trouble with Clones''=== :'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[hijacking into the communication satellite phone in Earth's orbit, making prank calls]'' Yeah, hi, is the U.N. Security Council? I'm looking for Ambassador Shake My Booty, first name Ivanna. :'''Man''': Hold on. Guys! Ivanna Shake My Booty. You heard me: Ivanna Shake My Booty! :''[Laughter is heard through the phone]'' :'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[laughing evilly]'' Oh, mercy! <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Jimmy''': I hate that little dweeb. <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Jimmy''': While the dork's away, the clones will play, eh, pooch? :''[Goddard whimpers and nods yes]'' :'''Jimmy''': You're in big trouble, clone! Step away from that duplicator! :'''Evil Jimmy''': Sorry, no can do, bro. This goodie-two-shoes town of yours ain't big enough for the both of us. :'''Jimmy''': Wait-- you don't know how dangerous that thing is! :'''Evil Jimmy''': Oh, I think I do. ''[starts up his rocket and flies away]'' Hasta la vista, big-head! :'''Jimmy''': Don't worry, Goddard. He forgot about ''my'' rocket. ''[jumps in his rocket but as he starts it up, the engine is clogged up by a watermelon]'' I really hate that clone. <hr width=50%> :'''Hugh''': Hi, Jim-Jam, gettin' ready to visit that new planet in the sky? :'''Jimmy''': New planet? What new planet? ''[Hugh points to the planet in the sky; gasps]'' :'''Hugh''': Sure is pretty. In a creepy, steaming kind of way. :'''Jimmy''': Goddard, deploy telescope. ''[Goddard analyzes the planet to be a cloned Earth; horrified]'' Oh, no-- he's cloned another Earth! My evil clone must've used the Flux Field to clone a duplicate Earth. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Leaping leptons! Evil Jimmy somehow made his cloned Earth just as evil as he is. Better blend in. ''[makes his hair and eyebrows to look like his evil clone]'' Oh, yeah, I'm evil. Oh, yeah, I'm bad. <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Health Inspector''': Well, this place is unsafe, unsanitary, and crawling with vermins. Congratulations. You passed your health inspection. :'''Evil Sam''': I am to displeased, yeah! <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Miss Fowl''': Take your seats, maggots. Evil Cindy and Evil Libby will now give a presentation on wedgies. :'''Evil Cindy''': Thank you, ugly. Class, nothing hurts like a wedgie, and yet few people understand the proper technique. :'''Evil Libby''': May we have a volunteer, ''NICK?!'' :'''Evil Nick''': No, you can't! ''[as Evil Butch pulls him out of his desk seat and shoves him to the girls]'' I'll get you for this! :'''Evil Libby''': Assume to position! :'''Evil Cindy''': Simply reach, grab, and give a forceful 90-degree tug. ''[pulls Evil Nick's underwear harder as he screams in pain]'' :'''Evil Libby''': Note the beads of pain-induced sweat. <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Miss Fowl''': After him! Fly, my pretties, FLY! <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Judy''': Hello, sweetie, home so soon? ''[cutting roses into a bucket]'' I'm just dirtying up the house before dinner. :'''Evil Hugh''': We're having duck again. I must have bagged over 87 bubbleheads this morning. Oh, they quacked for mercy, but I just laughed and laughed. ''[he and Evil Judy both start laughing evilly]'' :'''Jimmy''': This is going to scar me for life. Mom, Dad, I know helping is good, and I know that you're evil, but I'm still your son, right? :'''Evil Hugh''': Yep-a-roonie, ''[combs Jimmy's hair to his normal style]'' our very, very good son. :'''Evil Judy''': Our evil son has ordered us to capture you for experimentation. ''[presses a button on a remote, letting a cage fall in on Jimmy, trapping him]'' :'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[appearing]'' Well, well, well, if it isn't the wimpy dip-headed freak. Hey, nice of you to drop by. I see you met the folks. :''[They all chuckle evilly; Later, Evil Jimmy escorts Jimmy to his lab with Evil Goddard behind, pointing his gun at him]'' :'''Evil Jimmy''': So, what do you think of my little world, doc? :'''Jimmy''': It's sick twisted and smells like old socks! How'd you make this duplicate Earth evil?! :'''Evil Jimmy''': With a dark matter power chip. Yeah, I know, feel free to applaud. <hr width=50%> :'''Hugh''': Ah, goodbye mild backache. ''[the world returns to normal and falls to the ground]'' Hello, blindingly, painful backache. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Clone, no! If you break that chip, the whole planet will get sucked into the dark-matter dimension! :'''Evil Jimmy''': And you'll be trapped with us! ''[breaks the chip into two pieces]'' Catch you on the flip side, wimpy dip! <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': At least my evil clone is gone for good. No one has ever come back from my dark-matter dimension. :'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' You're not gonna get away with this, wimpy dip! You can't keep that an evil clone down! I'll be back! ''[laughs evilly]'' ===''Who Framed Jimmy Neutron?''=== ===''Flippy''=== ===''El Magnifico''=== ===''Best in Show''=== :'''Jimmy''': Goddard? ''[finds Goddard's note next to him in his bed]'' He left me a note in binary code. Better translate. ''[gets up from his bed and inserts the note into his computer]'' '''"Dear Master; Sorry I let you down. You'd be better off with a real dog like everyone says. Your ex-pet, Goddard."''' He ran away! ===''King of Mars''=== :'''Libby''': Wow, the universe is so vast and intricate. I'm bored. :'''Cindy''': Hmm, Libs, keep an eye on Mars for me. It's been acting weird all night. :'''Libby''': ''[sniffing]'' Is that… Eau d'Amino Acid? Girl, you brought us here so you could flirt with Jimmy. :'''Cindy''': Did not! I'm here because Jimmy values my scientific input. :'''Libby''': Why don't those two just get a lab? :'''Cindy''': Hey, Neutron, have you checked out Mars? :'''Jimmy''': Huh? Mars is old news. I'm spotting comets. :'''Cindy''': But it's been showing huge fluctuations in brightness. Definitely worth a good long look. :'''Jimmy''': What's that bewitching scent? :'''Cindy''': You mean my perfume? I just splashed this on when I don't care what I smell like. <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': When a colleague suggests that you look at Mars, it's polite to look at Mars! <hr width=50%> :'''Eustace''': Hello, Neutron! :'''Libby''': ''[to Cindy]'' It's that spoiled rich kid who has it in for Jimmy! :'''Jimmy''': Eustace Strych. I thought you were grounded for life. :'''Eustace''': Yes, well, my daddy's will is easily manipulated. So, Jimmy, did you forget that I'd sworn everlasting vengeance against you? :'''Jimmy''': Hmm, it sort of slipped my mind because I have a life, you loser! :'''Eustace''': Don't get saucy with me. <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Well, it's your fault! ''[points to Jimmy]'' :'''Jimmy''': What?! :'''Cindy''': Oh, don't act dumb! At least Eustace treated me like an equal. You act like I don't even exist! :'''Jimmy''': You are so clueless, Vortex! Of course I know you exist, that’s why I pretend to ignore you! ===''How to Sink a Sub''=== :'''Principal Willoughby''': Heavens to Harvey Fierstein! This isn't the Pomona bypass. :'''Coach Grubber''': Willoughby, you dink! I told you turn left at the Pants Outlet! :'''Hilgo''': I'm frightened and nauseated. Where are we? :'''Miss Fowl''': We're in hyperspace, where no teacher has gone before. I've got a good idea who's responsible for this! <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Spread the word, people! School's out! :''[they throw a party]'' :'''Sheen''': I'm the king of the world! [''gets hit''] :'''Jimmy''': [''flying around the hallway with a rocket board''] Coming through, watch it! [''his rocket board gets magnitized''] Hey, what's wrong with my rocket board?! [''screams as he's pulled by his displeased mother; shocked''] Mom?! :'''Judy''': You are ''so'' grounded, mister! :'''Hugh''': [''pops out of a trash can''] She's right, Jimbo. I'm afraid your senseless reign of carnage is over. :'''Carl''': Hi, Jimmy. You said to spread the word, so I told our parents. :'''Judy''': You bring your teachers back, this instant. :'''Jimmy''': I can't! They're programmed to come back in a week. :'''Mr. Estevez''': Then, we'll have to round these children up ourselves. Kids? Oh, kids! :'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Allow me, hon. ''[loudly]'' '''QUIET!''' :''[The students all stop partying]'' :'''Judy''': Children, please go to your classrooms. Until Miss Fowl and the others return, we parents will be filling in as substitute teachers. :''[The students all groan and complain in dismay]'' :'''Jimmy''': ''[speechless]'' Substitute teachers? :'''Mr. Wheezer''': Good idea, Judy. The kids shouldn't miss one precious day of education. :'''Jimmy''': Mom, Dad, you can't do this! It'll be totally embarrassing! :'''Hugh''': Don't be silly, Jimbo. Your mother would never dream of embarrassing you. <hr width=50%> :'''Mrs. Wheezer''': What's wrong, Carl? Is my seven-layer soy mulch too tough? Let Mommy pre-chew it for you. :'''Carl''': Mmm! ''[sees Jimmy and Sheen reacting with disgust]'' I mean, gross! :'''Mrs. Wheezer''': You boys enjoy! :'''Jimmy''': I can't take it anymore! I actually wish we had our old teachers back! :'''Carl''': Are you gonna finish your soy mulch? :'''Jimmy''': Parents want to be substitute teachers, huh? Well, I say, it's time to ''sink'' some subs. <hr width=50%> :'''Sheen''': Dad, I'm warning you! Behave yourself! :'''Mr. Estevez''': ''[riding on a motorcycle with Mrs. Wheezer holding on]'' You can't tell me what to do! :'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Stop trying to ruin my life! <hr width=50%> :'''Miss Fowl''': Double time, Neutron! ===''Lady Sings The News''=== :''[Everyone walks away, and Jimmy kisses Cindy.]'' :'''Carl''': Hey, Guys! Okay, you're coming back right? Right? Guys! My scapula! <hr width=50%> :'''Butch''': "Jimmy and Cindy sitting in a--" :''[Cindy forcefully punches him squarely in the stomach.]'' :'''Butch''': ''[panting on the floor]'' "…..tree." ===''The League of Villains''=== :''[Aboard the giant Yolkian chicken ship, King Goobot has gathered every villain Jimmy has defeated together for the first League of Villains meeting]'' :'''King Goobot''': Welcome, fellow villains. I believe introductions are in order. I am King Goobot of Yolkus, and this is my assistant, Ooblar. Oh! Oopsy! ''[chuckles]'' I forgot-- I traded Ooblar to the Bulgosians for some sulfur butter. :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': I'm Beautiful Gorgeous, and I broke out of prison for this, so it better be good. ''[to her father]'' Pop. :'''Professor Calamitous''': Professor Finbarr Calamitous. I recently escaped, too. I used a…well, not a chisel, exactly, more of a long thingy with, uh, sort of forky prongs… :'''Baby Eddie''': ''[annoyed]'' Tick-tock, baldy! Let's move on! I'm Baby Eddie. Yeah, I'm a baby-- deal with it. :'''The Junkman''': The Junkman, purveyor of fine refuse products throughout the galaxy. You trash it, I cash it. :'''Grandma Taters''': I'm Grandma Taters, and I'm so happy to be here! Let's all sing "The Happy Song." ''[takes out her guitar and starts singing]'' ♪ Happy, happy, happy, happy… ♪ :'''Zix''': ''[whistles]'' That'll do, ancient one. We're the space bandits of the Dimdar Galaxy. I'm Zix, and this is Travoltron and Tee. :'''Tee''': Why can't I introduce myself?! :'''Travoltron''': 'Cause he already introduced you, bonehead. :'''Tee''': You calling me a bonehead?! How'd you like to be a no-head?! :'''Eustace''': If you gill breathers are done, I am Eustace Strych, and I could buy and sell you all! :'''The Junkman''': Make me an offer. :'''King Goobot''': Gentlemen, ladies, settle! I've called you here for a reason. :'''Zix''': Hold on, Goobot, this was supposed to be a discussion. How come ''you're'' calling the shots? :'''King Goobot''': Mmm, perhaps it's because I'm a king and you're all…oh, how do I put this? ''NOT'' KINGS! :'''Tee''': You said we'd talk about the villain's role in society. I got stuff to say! :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Our first order of business should be to give this guy a bath. He smells as bad as he looks. :'''The Junkman''': Watch it, toots! :'''King Goobot''': Silence! My friends, we share a common enemy, an enemy who must be stopped! Evil brothers and sisters, we are gathered here to plan the elimination of… JIMMY NEUTRON! :''[The villains cheer as the screen footage shows Jimmy defeating them from throughout the series]'' :'''The Junkman''': Crush that little pip-squeak! :'''King Goobot''': For years, that pesky little genius has defeated us, humiliated us, and almost destroyed us! None of us have been able to conquer Jimmy on our own, but if we band together, we can wipe him off the face of galaxy and let evil triumph! <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Hey, what's this, Nerdtron? :'''Jimmy''': Don't go near that! :'''Cindy''': Okay. Jeez, it's just a bunch of stupid envelopes. :'''Jimmy''': Hardly-- this ''is'' an isolation chamber for ultra-dangerous substances. :'''Cindy''': Ooh, scary envelopes. I'm shaking. ''[she and Libby both laugh]'' :'''Jimmy''': I'm serious! Oh, and what part of "Girls stay behind the yellow line" did you not understand?! Perhaps you recall Love Potion 976/J? :'''Carl''': Oh, I do. It made you fall in love with the first person you saw. Sheen fell for Libby, Jimmy fell for Cindy, and I fell in love with the most beautiful woman in the… ''[gasps]'' Nothing. :'''Jimmy''': And these are essence of N-Men. I synthesized them from your DNA after we achieved superpowers. Ingesting your packet will give you your powers back for 30 minutes. :'''Libby''': Ooh, I want to be invisible again! :'''Cindy''': I want to be Special Girl for my karate competition this weekend! :'''Sheen''': I want to be Vibrating Sheen, so I can go to the bathroom all over the world! :'''Jimmy''': No! Don't you guys remember what happened last time we were the N-Men? :'''Cindy''': Yes. :'''Libby''': Yes. :'''Carl''': Yes. :'''Sheen''': So, what if I don't? A lot's happened since then. :'''Jimmy''': You couldn't control your powers. You got so out of control the town locked you up. :'''Cindy''': Excuse me, wasn't there also a big orange monster who went crazy and almost destroyed Retroville? Oh, that's right-- it was you! :'''Jimmy''': The point is, no one touches these unless there's an extreme emergency. I'm talking life-or-death situation, understand? :'''Libby''': But, Jimmy, we won't go crazy like we did last time. :'''Sheen''': Yeah, we're older and wiser-er. :'''Cindy''': We've changed. :'''Jimmy''': People ''don't'' change. Your personality is imprinted on your brain from birth-- look it up. :'''Sheen''': Friends, friends, let us not fight. We'll just agree to disagree. And then we'll break out the N-Men packets and have some fun! :'''Jimmy''': Hmm, let me think. NO! <hr width=50%> :'''King Goobot''': In order to abduct Jimmy Neutron, you'll be split into teams. First team: Baby Eddie and Grandma Taters. :'''Grandma Taters''': Ooh, we're going to have such a good time! :'''Baby Eddie''': I've got to be with the old broad? This stinks! :'''Grandma Taters''': ''[sweetly]'' I could just eat you up… ''[menacingly in her true self]'' and maybe I will! :'''King Goobot''': Team two: Beautiful Gorgeous and the Junkman. :'''The Junkman''': Yuck! :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': The feeling is mutual. :'''Baby Eddie''': Hey, Junkster, I'll trade you Wrinkles for Dollface. :'''King Goobot''': No trading! Team three: Eustace Strych and Professor Calamitous. :'''Eustace''': What?! The guy who can't complete a sentence?! I can't work with that fool. :'''Professor Calamitous''': Watch your tongue, sonny, or I'll… I'll… well, I'll… :'''Eustace''': Yes, fine, get back to me on that before I go to college! <hr width=50%> :''[Aboard The Junkman's ship, the villains circle around Jimmy as he wakes up]'' :'''Jimmy''': ''[gasps in horror]'' King Goobot, Baby Eddie, Grandma Taters, The Junkman, Eustace, Professor Calamitous, Beautiful Gorgeous, Zix, Travoltron, and Tee! :'''Tee''': How come he said my name last?! :'''King Goobot''': Hello, Jimmy. We were just in the neighborhood and thought we'd drop by. Care to go for a little ride? It will be your ''LAST!'' <hr width=50%> :''[The League of Villains put Jimmy on trial]'' :'''King Goobot''': Quiet! Quiet, I say! Quiet. Court is in session. The League of Villains vs. Jimmy Neutron. King Goobot presiding. :'''Jimmy''': Wait-- you're putting me on trial?! :'''King Goobot''': Of course! We're doing things by the book. :'''Jimmy''': What book? :'''King Goobot''': "The Big Book of Sham Trials." Be seated, jury. :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Do I have to sit next to stink boy here? I'm gonna throw up. :'''Professor Calamitous''': He can't smell any worse than this baby. :'''Baby Eddie''': Hey, I'm a baby. Babies poop! What? You didn't poop when you were a baby? :'''King Goobot''': Order! Order! Bailiff, control the jury. :'''Tee''': Man, why do I got to be the bailiff? I want to be on the jury! :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Too late. We already voted. :'''Tee''': How come I didn't get a vote? :'''Villains''': 'Cause you're not on the jury. ''[laughing]'' :'''King Goobot''': Order! Order, I say! James Isaac Neutron, you are charged with blocking the spread of evil, ruining diabolical plans and being an annoying pest. How do you plead? :'''Jimmy''': Well, first I have to say… :'''King Goobot''': Time's up. Thank you. The jury will now read the verdict. :'''Jimmy''': I didn't even get to defend myself! :'''King Goobot''': Hello! This is a League of Villains. What did you expect? Jury, how do you find the defendant? :'''Villains''': Guilty! :'''Jimmy''': What a shock. <hr width=50%> :'''King Goobot''': Jimmy Neutron's sentence has been decided. We shall blast him and his annoying sidekick into deep space! :'''The Junkman''': I still say we should eat him! :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Mr. Noxious, wouldn't you mind staying a minimum of 20 feet away from me so that I don't get nauseous? :'''The Junkman''': Gladly. :'''Baby Eddie''': Hey, Gorgeous, after this is all over, you want to grab dinner and a movie? :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Buzz off, baby. :''[Baby Eddie blows raspberry at her in return]'' :'''Eustace''': Can we wrap this up? I have a polo lesson in two hours. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': I should be able to get us back to Retroville at light speed. Look for some sort of transmitter so I can contact Carl. :'''Sheen''': I don't think that's necessary. :'''Jimmy''': Why not? :'''Sheen''': They're right there. :'''Jimmy''': What?! :'''Sheen''': That's them, all right. Carl's talking, Libby's drying her eyes, and Cindy's driving. :'''Jimmy''': This is terrible! They're heading to save us and we're heading back to… ''[realizes; enraged]'' CINDY'S DRIVING MY ROCKET?! <hr width=50%> :'''Mrs. Vortex''': I demand to know how this happened! :'''Hugh''': Well, Judy was tinkering with Jimmy's stuff. I'd ask her. :'''Judy''': ''[annoyingly miffed]'' Oh, really?! Well, Mr. Let's-Push-All-the-Buttons… :'''Hugh''': Now, honey, name calling won't solve this mess you got us in. Besides, we may be here for a while. Look, some people seem to be adapting. :'''Miss Fowl''': School is in session. Today's lesson is how to not get eaten by a giant fire ant. ''[squawks]'' :'''Butch''': Miss Fowl, a raptor ate my homework. :'''Man''': So, what do you got, Sam? :'''Sam''': Rock burgers, rock dogs and rock lobster with a side of rocks. :'''Man''': I'll just have soup. :'''Sam''': One hot water! Hold the rocks! :'''Judy''': Well, I guess we could live here. I could make curtains and paint the walls with some berry juice. :'''Hugh''': Now, that's the spirit, Sugar. Maybe it will distract you from thinking about our missing Jimbo. :'''Judy''': ''[weeping]'' My baby! :'''Hugh''': Oopsy. There, Sugarbooger. Remember, we're in the Cretaceous Era. We've got millions of years to come up with a plan to save him. :'''Judy''': Hugh, are you aware that most of the things you say make no sense? <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Neutron, what's going on? Who's after you? :'''Jimmy''': Every villain I've ever defeated has banded together to get rid of me for good! :'''Sheen''': Well, maybe if you'd gone along with my plan to come rescue you… :'''Jimmy''': What plan?! :'''Sheen''': Oh, right. :'''Jimmy''': Almost there! :''[The League of Villains block their way]'' :'''Carl''': Bad people! Lots of bad people! <hr width=50%> :''[As Carl, Sheen, Cindy, and Libby drink their N-Men packets, except for Jimmy, whose gotten the love potion instead, Carl confusingly mixes up the packets]'' :'''Jimmy''': You took all the wrong packets! :'''Cindy''': We were ''given'' the wrong packets! :'''Libby''': Carl, you're in big trouble! ''[punches Carl in the gut, whose invisible]'' :'''Carl''': Ow! I'm right next to you! <hr width=50%> :''[Jimmy blow-sprays the love potion on The Junkman and Beautiful Gorgeous, making them in love with each other]'' :'''The Junkman''': You're beautiful! :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Kiss me, you fool! <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Gotta hide somewhere so the villains don't find us. :'''Libby''': There's the moon-- we can hide there! :'''Jimmy''': Good idea. :'''Brobot''': Hi, Jimmy! I missed you! Want to play a game? I can make moon castles! Want to hear a song I wrote? It's called, "I Love Jimmy." ♪ I love Jimmy, I love Jimmy, I love Jimmy, I love Jimmy… ♪ :'''Jimmy''': I'd rather take my chances with the villains. :'''Sheen''': Good call. :'''Cindy''': Agreed. :'''Carl''': Can't blame you. :'''Libby''': Word. <hr width=50%> :'''Grandma Taters''': I'm going to take a little nappy. ''[snores loudly]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Uh, Neutron? We wanted Retroville, not Jungleville. :'''Sheen''': I think the gardeners went on strike. :'''Sam''': ''[while being chased by a raptor]'' HELP! Yeah, yeah. HELP! :'''Miss Fowl''': ''[while being chased by a giant black snake]'' Bad snake! Bad snake! :'''Jimmy''': This ''is'' Retroville. Based on the flora and fauna, I'd say that wormhole transported the town 75 million years in the past. :'''Sheen''': Awesome! Now I don't have to go to the dentist on Thursday! <hr width=50%> :'''Sam''': I just saw an egg, a baby, a granny, a rich kid, and two lizard guys-- yeah. :'''Sheen''': Oh, wait, wait-- I know this joke! :'''Cindy''': It's not a joke, you nimrod! It's the League of Villains! <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': I'd like to see Betty Quinlan do that! <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': So, what'll happen to Goobot and the other villains? :'''Jimmy''': I programmed the force field to wear off after a few minutes. I'm guessing the League of Villains will have their hands full for quite a while. ==External links== * {{imdb title|ch0033574|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius}} * [http://www.nick.com/all_nick/tv_supersites/display_show.jhtml?show_id=jim Jimmy Neutron at Nick.com] {{DEFAULTSORT:Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius, The}} [[Category:The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius seasons]] [[Category:Children's television seasons]] 6xzqv2afodydx6mkblfb8omkj2jnltq 3157947 3157946 2022-08-25T21:25:31Z 162.197.99.132 /* The League of Villains */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{DISPLAYTITLE:''The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius''/Season 3}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1|1]] [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2|2]] [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3|3]] | [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius|'''Main''']] ---- '''''[[w:The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius]]''''' is a show that ran on Nickelodeon from 2002–2006. The show follows the life of genius kid Jimmy Neutron and his friends and family. It is also based on the 2001 CGI film ''[[Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (film)|Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]''. ===''Attack of the Twonkies''=== :''[Sheen volunteers for the school chorus]'' :'''Sheen''': ''[singing badly]'' '''''HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE--''''' :'''Principal Willoughby''': NEXT!!! :'''Sheen''': Eh, pardon? :'''Principal Willoughby''': Thank you. That's all I needed to hear. :'''Sheen''': Well, I can't say I'm surprised. Now, let's talk rehearsal schedule, man. Tuesdays, I have my action figure support so that's no good for me. Mondays… :'''Principal Willoughby''': Oh, dear. I better explain. Um, Sheen, amigo, I'm afraid you won't be joining the chorus. :'''Sheen''': What?! You're rejecting me?! :'''Principal Willoughby''': Now, now, now, don't take it personally. We needed an alto, and well, you're a… You're a… :'''Miss Fowl''': You're a terrible singer! :'''Principal Willoughby''': Miss Fowl! You see, Sheen, your voice… Um, how shall I put this? :'''Miss Fowl''': Your voice scares small children! :'''Principal Willoughby''': Miss Fowl, please! Look, Sheen, as chorus master, I know talent… :'''Miss Fowl''': And that's what you have: no talent! ''[Principal Willougby is about to burst]'' I'm done. <hr width=50%> :''[Sheen volunteers again disguised a with a mustache]'' :'''Sheen''': ''[singing badly]'' '''''HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE--''''' :'''Principal Willoughby''': NEXT!!! :'''Sheen''': Please let me in the chorus! ''[Miss Fowl rips Sheen's fake mustache off his face]'' My voice grows on you! :'''Miss Fowl''': So do liver spots, but they don't make you look at them! ''[cracks up laughing]'' :'''Principal Willoughby''': Now, Miss Fowl, that's not funny. ''[begins laughing]'' Okay, that's a little funny, but you know… :'''Sheen''': I've got half a mind to report you! :'''Principal Willoughby''': Half a mind? No wonder you can't sing! ''[he and Miss Fowl burst out in laughter as Sheen storms out the auditorium]'' Oh, we are so fired. ''[Miss Fowl looks shocked]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Your Twonkies attacked us in baby sized class! :'''Libby''': They busted my boom box! :'''Miss Fowl''': Those things are a menace! :'''Nick''': Dude, my do is ruined! :'''Butch''': Just when I was learning to love again! :'''Jimmy''': Guys! This isn't the time for blame. If it were I'd be saying things like "I tried to tell you" and "Why didn't you jerks listen to me?" Now all your stories have a common theme. :'''Carl''': Painful biting? :'''Butch''': Massive blood loss? :'''Jimmy''': No! ''Music!'' Harmonic patterns causes the Twonkies to morph into hostile beasts and attack the source of the sound. We've got to shut down ''all'' the music in town before the rest of the Twonkies hear. :'''Libby''': You can't stop the music! :'''Jimmy''': We've ''got'' to! <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': STOP! DON'T SING! :'''Principal Willoughby''': Miss Vortex, thank you for joining us, you're 10 minutes late! :'''Cindy''': Fellow choristers, due to a dangerous situation too complicated to go into now, this rehearsal is cancelled. Now I know how painful this must be for all of you… :''[The choristers cheer, and leave the stand]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': This isn't over, people! If we don't blast that monster back to the comet in the next ten minutes, he's stuck here for another year! :'''Sam''': That's bad. :'''Sheen''': I'll just sing to him every time he wakes up. :'''Miss Fowl''': That's worse! :'''Sam''': Yeah! ===''Lights! Camera! Danger!''=== :''[repeated line]'' :'''Quentin Smithee''': And action! ---- :'''Butch''': Mr. Smithee, uh…how do I start this thing? :'''Quentin Smithee''': I have no idea. Just keep pushing buttons until something happens. And... ---- :'''Quentin Smithee''': ''[found out that Hugh sung the Donut Boy theme song in the alley]'' No. This is the scene where you ''[throws the box of donuts to the ground''] <big>get lost!</big> ===''The N-Men''=== :''[Outer Space; Jimmy and the gang are flying back home to Earth in their Astrocar after playing mini golf on Mercury]'' :'''Sheen''': Engines down! Losing power! Abandon ship! :'''Libby''': You're enjoyin' that massage chair a little too much. :'''Sheen''': Set boosters on "Lower back"! Engage! :'''Carl''': Thanks for taking us miniature golfing on Mercury, Jimmy. Hey, you want some of my extra orange juice my mom packed me? :'''Jimmy''': Thanks, Carl… ''[gulps down the orange juice bottle]'' but we're not home yet. I still have to steer us past the Van Patten Radiation Belt. :'''Cindy''': Ha! Neutron probably thought the low gravity would throw off my backswing. Wrong! As usual. :'''Jimmy''': Hey, hey, how about instead of bragging, you thank me for inviting you along at all?! :'''Cindy''': You're right, Jimmy. Thank you… ''[pause]'' for letting me kick your butt on the back nine! :'''Jimmy''': What is your problem, Vortex?! :'''Cindy''': I don't have a problem! What's your problem?! :'''Jimmy''': Oh, I think you do have a problem! ''[arguing in unison]'' You know what the problem is? :'''Cindy''': ''[arguing in unison]'' No, I'm not the one with the problem, Neutron! :'''Carl''': ''[eating a sandwich while Jimmy and Cindy continue arguing]'' It's so hard to digest when they argue like that. ''[burps]'' <hr width=50%> :''[After passing through the Van Patten Radiation Belt and crash landing back home to Earth, Jimmy and his friends have discovered they've all gotten superpowers]'' :'''Jimmy''': I think I see what happened. You all got superpowers based on what you were doing when the Van Patten rays hit. :'''Cindy''': And you just turned orange? How lame is that? :'''Jimmy''': It's not lame! Maybe my cells store massive amounts of vitamin C or something. :'''Carl''': ''[sniffs]'' Mmm. He does have a pleasing, fruity aroma. :''[He, Cindy, and Libby laugh, making Jimmy cringe in anger]'' :'''Sheen''': Guys, get serious. We've all been endowed with incredible power. And I say we use that power ''to attack Tokyo!'' ''[runs to Tokyo and back]'' Guys, come on, pick up the pace. :'''Jimmy''': Sheen's right! Except for the part about Tokyo-- we have been given incredible power. But we should use it to fight crime. :'''Sheen''': Why didn't I think of that? :'''Libby''': You mean… become superheroes? :'''Cindy''': I hate to admit it, but that ''would'' be cool. :'''Carl''': I can fight crime, but I have to be home by 5:30. :'''Sheen''': Stack hands, everyone. We need to make a solemn vow. :''[All stack hands]'' :'''Sheen''': Let those who do evil beware! From this day forth, we shall be known as: The Fantastic League of Justice-Bringing Avenging Men! :'''Libby''': Excuse me?! :'''Sheen''': And two girls. <hr width=50%> :''[Neutron lab; 3 days later]'' :'''Jimmy''': I know, Goddard, but I can't stop working. I'm still missing one last ingredient for my superpower antidote. If only this mutant gene wasn't so hard to crack. Maybe if I tried a submolecular scam. ''[Screen shows Fatal Gene countdown to six hours]'' No. It can't be! Their powers are burning up their metabolisms! Their life forces will be drained in ''six'' hours! ''[bangs on his keypad]'' GOTTA WORK FASTER! ''[accidentally spills some Purple Flurp on the keyboard]'' No, no, NO! Now I'll ''never'' find a cure in time! ''[becomes extremely livid while throwing a fit]'' Why do I even care?! All they did was mock me. ''[gets up from his seat]'' Especially Cindy! She makes me ''so'' angry! ''[furiously throws a binocular box off-screen, crashing it]'' If only I'd gotten a cool superpower too, then I'd make her pay! I'd make 'em ''ALL'' pay! (''camera zooms in on his eye'') ''[growls crossly]'' What's wrong with me?! (''eye color changes burnt green'') ''[voice deepens]'' Feeling strange. ''[starts transforming into his huge hulk-like form as Goddard watches in fear]'' Thoughts, cloudy. Image of Cindy burning in my brain! :'''Hulk Jimmy''': ''[bursts out through the door of the clubhouse, roaring with rage]'' JIMMY ''DID'' GET SUPERPOWER! NOW JIMMY STRONG! NOW JIMMY '''''SMASH!!!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Sam''': ''[throwing an apple at Hulk Jimmy]'' Take that you misterable mistake of nature, yeah! ''[throws another at him]'' :'''Judy''': No, don't! You're only making him angry! <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Carl, why haven't you tried to perfect your super belches? :'''Carl''': I'm scared to, for my burps are ''way'' to dangerous. :'''Sheen''': But Carl, your destructive potential is part of the reason we love you. :'''Carl''': DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?! No more spice food or carbonated beverages! I've got to guard against even the slightest hiccup! :'''Sheen''': You mean no more chalupas? I feel your pain, dude. <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Guys, I think that orange-rampaging monster is Neutron! :'''Libby''': Those rays must've had some kind of delayed reaction on him. :'''Carl''': We gotta do something. The army might really hurt him! :'''Cindy''': All I did was make fun of him and, he still promised to help us. We have to help him! ===''The Tomorrow Boys''=== :'''Jimmy''': ''[as Future Jimmy opens the door]'' Hi, um, are you Jimmy Neutron? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Future Cindy''': NERDTRON! Nerdtron, what are you doing?! You're supposed to be soaking my mother's feet! And if it's not done every hour on the hour, she experiences severe flaking!! :'''Future Jimmy''': Cindy, can you not call me Nerdtron? ''[scoffs]'' Now that we're married? :''[The word "married" repeats itself, slowing down each time.]'' :'''Jimmy''': <big>'''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…'''''</big>''[commercial break, after which Jimmy is still screaming.]''<big>'''''…OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'''''</big> :'''Carl''': Wow. You just screamed for four minutes, Jim. :'''Sheen''': I'm both impressed ''and'' disturbed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Future Carl''': Yeah. I remember the first time I saw Mrs. V's feet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Jimmy saved the future! :'''Sheen''': That horrible dictator Libby will ''never'' plague us again! ''[they all look at Libby, whose looking super furious]'' Oh. Perhaps I'd better explain. :'''Libby''': ''[enraged]'' You and your stupid robot broke my house! :'''Sheen''': But… :'''Libby''': Ruined my party and destroy my gifts! :'''Sheen''': But… but… :'''Libby''': '''GET OUT!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Libby''': ''[to Sheen]'' Meet me at the Candy Bar, Sheen… ''[throws the door open, revealing his friends cleaning up; angrily]'' '''''AFTER YOU CLEAN MY HOUSE!''''' ===''Fundemonium''=== :'''Baby Quackers''': ''[repeated line]'' Gotta go potty! ''[puddle forms under her]'' Ooopsie! ===''Stranded''=== :'''Jimmy''': And I'm telling you that you can't see the equator! :'''Cindy''': Just an unpopulated area like the Pacific Ocean! :'''Jimmy''': WRONG! The equator's invisible and apparently so is your brain! :'''Cindy''': Well, at least my head doesn't need no time zone! :'''Jimmy''': Why'd you have to go there?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheen''': Ah the sea, who's water grows our gardens, who's electric eels light our homes, who's jellyfish fill our jelly donuts. :'''Libby''': Sheen, none of those things do any of those things. :'''Sheen''': Hey! You try staying awake staring at a stupid ocean! ''(grumbling sound)'' :'''Libby''': What's that sound? Carl, you're supposed to watch our readings. :'''Carl''': I'am. Their fine. :'''Libby''': Well, what does the fuel gauge say? :'''Carl''': It's fine. It's on "E" for…."engored with gas"…? ''(motor stops and hover car falling)'' :''(Everyone is screaming)'' :'''Libby''': Assume crash positions! :'''Sheen''': If you say so… ''(Carl and Sheen making faces)'' :'''Libby''': You know what... just go back to the screaming. ''(Everyone screams again)'' :''(Hover car splash in the ocean)'' :'''Carl''': Is everybody okay? :'''Sheen''': Well, I'am a little concerned that we're STRANDED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN!!!! :'''Carl''': Calm down, Sheen. :'''Sheen''': Don't tell me to calm down! This is all your fault! Anybody with a brian knows that "E" stands for... uh.... "elp yourself to some gas"! :'''Carl''': Does not! :'''Libby''': Guys! :'''Sheen''': Does so! :'''Libby''': Guys! :'''Carl''': Does not! :'''Sheen''': DOES SO! :'''Libby''': GUYS! This isn't helping! Now we need to get through this, we just need a strategy. :'''Carl''': Libby's right. :'''Sheen''': Kiss up. :'''Libby''': Now we're gonna need protein :'''Sheen''': Right, let's cut to the chase: who's eating who? :'''Carl''': Who's eating whom? :'''Sheen''': That's it! I'm eating you! :'''Carl''': Not if I eat you first! :'''Sheen''': I'll eat you in your sleep! :'''Carl''': Better not. :'''Libby''': I'm gonna chow down on both of you if you don't keep QUIET! :'''Carl''': She's right and at least we're in a boat, Jimmy and Cindy have been treading water for hours. :'''Sheen''': Poor guys. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cindy''': You know, I hate to say it Jimmy, but aside from the man-eating plants, giant spiders, and vicious snakes, um… this isn't so bad. :'''Jimmy''': It seems like if we stay out of the denser parts of the jungle, we should be fi… ''(record scratches)'' Did you just call me Jimmy? :'''Cindy''': Well, that is your name… :'''Jimmy''': I know. I just didn't know that you knew. I thought you thought it was "Neutroid", or "Speutron", or "King Cranium" or "Frankenhead"... :'''Cindy''': I know, I know. Jimmy, why do you think we always fight back home? :'''Jimmy:''' Oh, that's easy, because, well, uh... maybe because... uh... Huh... I don't remember. :'''Cindy:''' I don't either. I mean, I know I'm not supposed to like you, but being here on this island away from school and grades and peer pressure, it makes me realize how ridiculous that is. You're a really cool person. :'''Jimmy:''' R-really? ''[Cindy nods her head]'' I've sort of been thinking the same thing about you. :'''Cindy''': Really? Jimmy, if I had to be stranded on a deserted island with anybody, I'm glad it's you. :'''Jimmy:''' Me, too. Um, Cindy, if you're not doing anything tomorrow, well, do you think you might want to... I don't know, hang out together? :'''Cindy''': Hmm, I may have to move some appointments around, but what the heck, I accept. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': I was going to share, and I ate one, but it was so good, so I ate four and I…I…I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON! :'''Sheen''': YOU GOT THAT RIGHT! ''(throws the chocolate away)'' GET HIS LEGS, LIBBY! ''(he grabs Carl)'' :'''Libby''': Sheen, you can't throw Carl overboard. :'''Sheen''': ''(He halts)'' Why not? :'''Libby''': Because he might have more FOOD ON HIM! ''(they start pulling Carl back in and they hear a horn blow)'' Guys, did you hear something? :'''Carl''': It wasn't me. :'''Libby''': ''(gasps)'' It's an ocean liner! Try to get their attention! :'''Carl''': But they're so far away. :'''Libby''': Jimmy must keep a flare in here look around! ''(saw an emergency button)'' I think this is it. :'''Carl''': "For emergencies only." :'''Sheen''': THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! PUSH IT! :''(A light points towards at the ship and explosion)'' :'''Passengers''': We're okay! :'''Libby''': Um… maybe we should just keep this to ourselves. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheen''': I won't give up! Did Lewis and Clark give up?! Did Charles Lindbergh give up?! Did Saul Hoffnitz give up?! :'''Libby''': Who's Saul Hoffnitz? :'''Sheen''': I give up. The point is I'm not going back to Retroville without Jimmy and Cindy! I'm gonna find them even if I HAVE TO TEAR OUT EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF EQUIPMENT IN HERE!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Finished, now put your fuel ingredients into the gas tank. :''(Libby and Carl put all the ingredients into the gas tank, but Sheen pick up some strange rocks and put them into the gas tank)'' :'''Jimmy''': Sheen, what kind's of rocks are those? :'''Sheen''': Well I didn't know what shale look like, but I found these cool rock deep in the jungle. Look! :''(Sheen give the strange rock to Jimmy)'' :'''Jimmy''': These don't feel like rocks at all. they feel like… :''(Libby screamed and they saw a giant spider attack the hover car and they all are hiding in the rock)'' :'''Cindy''': Jimmy, that's the spider that made the web we saw! :'''Jimmy''': I think we put some of her eggs in the gas tank! :'''Carl''': If it destroys the hover car, we'll be stranded here forev… ''(record stretches)'' :'''Sheen, Libby, and Carl''': Did she just call you Jimmy? <hr width="50%"/> ===''Jimmy Goes to College''=== :'''Butch''': Big words: they hurt, they hurt! <hr width=50%> :'''Butch''': Big molecules: they hurt, they hurt! ===''Who's Your Mommy?''=== :'''Jimmy''': Welcome to Planet Schmangy! …Again. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': The strange appetite, the mood swings, the glowing buldges… Carl, I don't know how to say this, so I'll whisper it in Sheen's ear and he'll blurt it out in astonishment. ''[whispers to Sheen]'' :'''Sheen''': Carl is '''''PREGNANT?!''''' :'''Carl''': ''[jumps in shock]'' What!? <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Good news, Carl. I have an idea how to solve this without harming you, or the creature, and, why are nodding no? :'''Carl''': I thought about it, Jim. If it's a boy, I'll name him, Shmengo, and if it's a girl Shmengeta, I want to retain its alien heritage. :'''Jimmy''': ''WHAT?!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Carl, why aren't you more worried? This thing might feed off your insides, or electrocute you, or grow until it splits you in half! :'''Carl''': Yeah, kids can be a handful. ===''Clash of the Cousins''=== :''[Jimmy and his parents show up in the backyard of Aunt Kari's house for Great-Aunt Amanda's birthday with the rest of the Neutrons]'' :'''Jimmy''': ''[carrying her present]'' Happy Birthday, Great-Aunt Amanda! You're looking more beautiful and less wrinkly every year. :'''Aunt Amanda''': No thanks you, young man, your gadgets and gewgaws have taken ten years off my life! :'''Judy''': But, Aunt Amanda, how can you say that? Jimmy's gadgets have saved the town dozens of times. :'''Aunt Kari''': Sure. After he brought down a giant meteor to destroy us all. :'''Uncle Newt''': Or those evil rotting aliens. :'''Cousin Annabelle''': OR PANTS! HORRIBLE WALKING PANTS! :'''Cousin Gomer''': Which cousin are you again? :'''Hugh''': Now, now, now. Newt, Kari, Cousin Gomer, Cousin Annabelle… ''[Baby Eddie babbles]'' and little Eddie, let's not fight. We're gathered together because we love our dear Aunt Amanda and not because her fabulous wealth controls our very destiny. :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, can't we all just get along and be a family? :'''Aunt Amanda''': NO! Because of you, the Neutron name isn't respectable anymore. Why can you be nice like your two young friends? :'''Sheen''': Mmm! I've been waiting all year to eat Aunt Kari's salt patties. :'''Carl''': And this 147 bean salad is the best one yet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Aunt Amanda! I'm so sorry! The spatula's battery must have overloaded! :'''Aunt Amanda''': You little monster! I knew you couldn't be trusted! :'''Jimmy''': It's not supposed to do that! I swear, it will never happen again! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Guys, we have a situation. There is no reason those presents should have exploded. Someone bombarded the spatula with delta waves. Only a genius could come up with a plan like that. And the delta waves came from the backyard. Do you realize what that means? :'''Sheen''': Uh, Jimmy, do you mind if we just keep eating? :'''Jimmy''': It means that there's ''another'' genius in my family besides me. An <u>''evil''</u> genius. :'''Carl''': That's horrible! Hey, Sheen, are you gonna finish that death-by gelato? :'''Jimmy''': Okay, stop eating. :'''Sheen''': Sorry. :'''Carl''': Sorry. :'''Jimmy''': Goddard, isolate the Neutron genius gene. Now, compare the gene against DNA profiles of ''all'' adult family members. Hmm. The two most likely suspects would be…Cousin Gomer or Cousin Annabelle. :'''Carl''': Okay, so what you're saying is that one of them must only be ''acting'' dumb. :'''Sheen''': ''[belches]'' Or crazy. :'''Jimmy''': We gotta find out which one before they make another attempt on my family's lives! :'''Carl''': Right. To the buffet! What? I'm still hungry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Hey, Cousin Annabelle. :'''Cousin Annabelle''': ''[screams]'' DON'T SNEAK UP ON ME! I HAVE SENSELESS PANIC ATTACK SYNDROME! :'''Carl''': Uh, I'm allergic to wheat. :'''Cousin Annabelle''': Oh, really? GO AWAY! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Baby Eddie''': ''[laughing wickedly]'' Haven't you figured it out yet, Jimmy? :'''Jimmy''': ''[shocked]'' Cousin Eddie! :'''Baby Eddie''': I had you barking up the wrong tree. You know, maybe you ain't as bright as everybody thinks. :'''Jimmy''': How can I be so naive? I only checked the DNA of adult Neutrons. I never guessed that… :'''Baby Eddie''': A baby could be as smart as you? Heck, I'm smarter. And, I'm only 17 1/2 months old. Wait till I hit puberty-- bah-bing! :'''Sheen''': Why'd you do it, Cousin Eddie?! WHY?!? :'''Jimmy''': For Aunt Amanda's money, Sheen. :'''Baby Eddie''': Ding! We got a winner! Now, think fast, nimrods! ''[traps the boys and Cousin Gomer in his unbreakable fun rings]'' Don't waste your time. Nothing can escape my unbreakable fun rings. :'''Jimmy''': You're a ''bad'' baby, Eddie, and you got a diaper full of evil! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': ''[facing Baby Eddie]'' Too bad you didn't know about Goddard's backup battery. It's all over, Eddie! Oh, you're going down, baby. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Aunt Amanda''': This is the child you raised?! A vicious, rotten baby mauler?! :'''Jimmy''': It's not what you think, Aunt Amanda! Eddie's an evil genius! He was trying to blow everyone up so he could get your fortune! :'''Baby Eddie''': Goo. :'''Hugh''': He takes after <u>''her''</u> side of the family! ''[points at Judy]'' :'''Judy''': Hugh! :'''Hugh''': He may be adopted. It looks nothing like me. :''[A high-pitched whirring sound is heard]'' :'''Aunt Kari''': Wait. There's that horrible noise again! :'''Jimmy''': I know, Aunt Kari, I reset Eddie's rattle during our struggle. It's programmed to overload. :''[The sound is shown coming from Baby Eddie's rattle]'' :'''Baby Eddie''': Oh, poopy! ''[throws his rattle into the air and it explodes]'' You broke my rattle! You dweeby, no-good, pointy-headed, weasel-faced freak! ''[The adult Neutrons are shocked at his true colors being revealed]'' Uh, I mean… Goo! :'''Aunt Amanda''': That baby's a bad seed! [''to Jimmy''] It's Jimmy who's the good nephew! :''[The other adult Neutrons cheer for Jimmy as Sheen, Carl, and Cousin Gomer exit the house]'' :'''Aunt Kari''': I'm so sorry little Eddie tried to destroy us all. :'''Jimmy''': If I were you Aunt Kari, I'd keep him on a baby leash. :'''Baby Eddie''': Oh, no, not the leash! I'll get you for this, Cousin Jimmy, you hear me?! This ain't finished, not by a long shot! Hey, where's my juicy cup? Where is the cup that I can spill without spilling? :'''Jimmy''': Dad, our family is ''very'' weird. :'''Hugh''': It sure is, son. It sure is. ===''My Big Fat Spy Wedding''=== ===''Crouching Jimmy, Hidden Sheen''=== :'''Jimmy''': ''[in trying to find a way to help Sheen defeat a zealous karate practioner who wants to ursurp Sheen's position as "The Chosen One"]'' There's only one way to help Sheen train. :'''Sheen''': ''[in front of a dojo]'' A tutor? :'''Jimmy''': We have no other choice! :'''Sheen''': Why don't you just make me take piano lessons while I'm at it? :''[The Dojo head, Master Hong, answers the door]'' :'''Master Hong''': Yes? :'''Jimmy''': Master Hong? :'''Sheen''': Dude, aren't you a little old to teach kung-fu? :'''Master Hong''': ''[calmly, holding out a pebble]'' Snatch this pebble from my hand. :'''Sheen''': ''[sarcastically]'' Snatch the pebble… too easy! ''[gets slammed around by Master Hong]'' You're hired! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lead Shangri-Llama Monk''': ''[of Sheen]'' To the Chosen One! Long may he put his leg behind his head! ===''The Incredible Shrinking Town''=== :'''Sheen''': Aw, cheer up, Jimmy. Hey, after the game, you wanna come over to watch ''Wizard of Oz''? I love those little monkeys. ''[Jimmy glares at him]'' What? What'd I say? Man, you dinky guys are so touchy. :'''Jimmy''': You guys have ''no'' idea what it's like to be the short guy. It's like…it's like… :'''Sheen:''' Uh, you're not gonna sing, are you? <hr width=50%> :'''Sheen''': ''[Reading a message about the Vomitorium]'' Do not go on this ride if you have a bad back, bad neck, or hate puking. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Judy''': This is a nightmare. How am I going to clean this house if I'm six inches tall? :'''Hugh''': I know, these are ''dark'' times, Sugarbooger. But look on the bright side. We finally got a jumbo-sized TV! :''[Goddard flies into the living room]'' :'''Judy''': ''[to Jimmy; sharply]'' James Issac Neutron, are you responsible for this? :'''Jimmy''': You know, Mom, we ''could'' waste precious time assigning blame. :'''Judy''': ''[still sharped]'' Jimmy! :'''Jimmy''': Kinda. :'''Judy''': Hugh, speak to your son. <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Now, listen Neutron, you'd better… :'''Carl''': ''[impersonating Mrs. Vortex's voice]'' Cynthia Vortex! Come over here and help your mother clean up Humphrey's extremely large poopy poo-poo! :'''Cindy''': Oh, just make us big Neutron! <hr width=50%> :''[The space bandits have captured the citizens and are taking them on the McSpanky's ship.]'' :'''Cindy''': Well, we can all thank our favorite boy genius for getting us into mortal danger -- ''again!'' :'''Libby''': At least we can say we had an exciting childhood. :'''Carl''': ''[sees the ship]'' Hey, look, it's the old McSpanky's burger joint that we used to work at till you shot it at the sun, Jimmy. :'''Jimmy''': They've turned it into a spaceship. :'''Sheen''': ''[opens a fake treasure chest]'' It's okay, our worries are over! We're rich!! ''[hugs it]'' :''[Jimmy rolls his eyes]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Whoa, whoa, whoa. Time out! May I just remind everybody, this was ALL Neutron's fault?! ===''One of Us''=== :'''Jimmy''': ''(narrating)'' There we were, running for our lives from our best friends and family. How did this happen? It all began on a normal day at school. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Libby, did you just turn some music off? :'''Libby''': ''[turns slowly to Jimmy; also smiling]'' Hello Jimmy, I'm happy to see you. Did you watch "The Happy Show Show" last night? <hr width=50%> :'''Sheen''': Hi, Jimmy. You watched "The Happy Show Show?" :'''Jimmy''': Yes, and it was the worst show ever! It was obnoxious, idiotic, silly, infantile, inane, vapid… Shall I go on? :'''Libby''': You need to watch it again. :'''Jimmy''': ''Again?!'' I could barely watch the first 30 seconds! I thought my TV would explode! I thought I might faint from the fumes of the show's supreme stinkiness! :'''Carl''': You should give it another chance. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': ''[narrating]'' The show was hypnotizing people and turning them into mindless zombies! It didn't effect me because I was only watching the reflection. ''[bursts the door open and enters]'' Betty, snap out of it! You've been hypnotized! Stop watching the TV! :'''Betty''': But I must watch, and you must watch, too. :'''Jimmy''': ''[runs away, screaming as he makes it back to his house]'' Mom, Dad, we've gotta call someone! There's a TV show that's turning everyone into… ''[enters the living room, only to see his parents being hypnotized too]'' :'''Judy and Hugh''': Hello, Jimmy, we're happy to see you. :'''Jimmy''': You too? :'''Judy''': Come sit here and we'll be happy together. :'''Jimmy''': ''[quickly runs out of the house]'' '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!''''' :'''Judy''': Shall we chase him? :'''Hugh''': Nothing would make me happier. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Grandma Taters, I presume! :'''Grandma Taters''': Well, hello, honey, come on in. Would you like some hard candy? :'''Jimmy''': I know what you're up to, lady. :'''Grandma Taters''': ''[pinches Jimmy's cheek]'' Well, aren't you a smart little boy? <hr width=50%> :'''Grandma Taters''': Restraints! :'''Jimmy''': Mom, Dad, you can't do this to me! :'''Judy''': Oh, we're happy to do it. :'''Hugh''': I positively ecstatic. :'''Jimmy''': But you're not supposed to be happy all the time! You have to be sad sometimes! :'''Hugh''': Happily, that's no longer true. :'''Jimmy''': But don't you see? Grandma Taters' show has stolen your emotions and caused you to lose your humanity! Soon, the whole world will be pack of soulless, mindless zombies! :'''Sheen''': Wondering if I care…still wondering… NOPE! <hr width=50%> :'''Grandma Taters''': I'm sorry, girls. I failed. :'''Grandma Clones''': That's alright, honey. Come in for some muffins. And bran juice. ===''Vanishing Act''=== ===''The Trouble with Clones''=== :'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[hijacking into the communication satellite phone in Earth's orbit, making prank calls]'' Yeah, hi, is the U.N. Security Council? I'm looking for Ambassador Shake My Booty, first name Ivanna. :'''Man''': Hold on. Guys! Ivanna Shake My Booty. You heard me: Ivanna Shake My Booty! :''[Laughter is heard through the phone]'' :'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[laughing evilly]'' Oh, mercy! <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Jimmy''': I hate that little dweeb. <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Jimmy''': While the dork's away, the clones will play, eh, pooch? :''[Goddard whimpers and nods yes]'' :'''Jimmy''': You're in big trouble, clone! Step away from that duplicator! :'''Evil Jimmy''': Sorry, no can do, bro. This goodie-two-shoes town of yours ain't big enough for the both of us. :'''Jimmy''': Wait-- you don't know how dangerous that thing is! :'''Evil Jimmy''': Oh, I think I do. ''[starts up his rocket and flies away]'' Hasta la vista, big-head! :'''Jimmy''': Don't worry, Goddard. He forgot about ''my'' rocket. ''[jumps in his rocket but as he starts it up, the engine is clogged up by a watermelon]'' I really hate that clone. <hr width=50%> :'''Hugh''': Hi, Jim-Jam, gettin' ready to visit that new planet in the sky? :'''Jimmy''': New planet? What new planet? ''[Hugh points to the planet in the sky; gasps]'' :'''Hugh''': Sure is pretty. In a creepy, steaming kind of way. :'''Jimmy''': Goddard, deploy telescope. ''[Goddard analyzes the planet to be a cloned Earth; horrified]'' Oh, no-- he's cloned another Earth! My evil clone must've used the Flux Field to clone a duplicate Earth. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Leaping leptons! Evil Jimmy somehow made his cloned Earth just as evil as he is. Better blend in. ''[makes his hair and eyebrows to look like his evil clone]'' Oh, yeah, I'm evil. Oh, yeah, I'm bad. <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Health Inspector''': Well, this place is unsafe, unsanitary, and crawling with vermins. Congratulations. You passed your health inspection. :'''Evil Sam''': I am to displeased, yeah! <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Miss Fowl''': Take your seats, maggots. Evil Cindy and Evil Libby will now give a presentation on wedgies. :'''Evil Cindy''': Thank you, ugly. Class, nothing hurts like a wedgie, and yet few people understand the proper technique. :'''Evil Libby''': May we have a volunteer, ''NICK?!'' :'''Evil Nick''': No, you can't! ''[as Evil Butch pulls him out of his desk seat and shoves him to the girls]'' I'll get you for this! :'''Evil Libby''': Assume to position! :'''Evil Cindy''': Simply reach, grab, and give a forceful 90-degree tug. ''[pulls Evil Nick's underwear harder as he screams in pain]'' :'''Evil Libby''': Note the beads of pain-induced sweat. <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Miss Fowl''': After him! Fly, my pretties, FLY! <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Judy''': Hello, sweetie, home so soon? ''[cutting roses into a bucket]'' I'm just dirtying up the house before dinner. :'''Evil Hugh''': We're having duck again. I must have bagged over 87 bubbleheads this morning. Oh, they quacked for mercy, but I just laughed and laughed. ''[he and Evil Judy both start laughing evilly]'' :'''Jimmy''': This is going to scar me for life. Mom, Dad, I know helping is good, and I know that you're evil, but I'm still your son, right? :'''Evil Hugh''': Yep-a-roonie, ''[combs Jimmy's hair to his normal style]'' our very, very good son. :'''Evil Judy''': Our evil son has ordered us to capture you for experimentation. ''[presses a button on a remote, letting a cage fall in on Jimmy, trapping him]'' :'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[appearing]'' Well, well, well, if it isn't the wimpy dip-headed freak. Hey, nice of you to drop by. I see you met the folks. :''[They all chuckle evilly; Later, Evil Jimmy escorts Jimmy to his lab with Evil Goddard behind, pointing his gun at him]'' :'''Evil Jimmy''': So, what do you think of my little world, doc? :'''Jimmy''': It's sick twisted and smells like old socks! How'd you make this duplicate Earth evil?! :'''Evil Jimmy''': With a dark matter power chip. Yeah, I know, feel free to applaud. <hr width=50%> :'''Hugh''': Ah, goodbye mild backache. ''[the world returns to normal and falls to the ground]'' Hello, blindingly, painful backache. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Clone, no! If you break that chip, the whole planet will get sucked into the dark-matter dimension! :'''Evil Jimmy''': And you'll be trapped with us! ''[breaks the chip into two pieces]'' Catch you on the flip side, wimpy dip! <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': At least my evil clone is gone for good. No one has ever come back from my dark-matter dimension. :'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' You're not gonna get away with this, wimpy dip! You can't keep that an evil clone down! I'll be back! ''[laughs evilly]'' ===''Who Framed Jimmy Neutron?''=== ===''Flippy''=== ===''El Magnifico''=== ===''Best in Show''=== :'''Jimmy''': Goddard? ''[finds Goddard's note next to him in his bed]'' He left me a note in binary code. Better translate. ''[gets up from his bed and inserts the note into his computer]'' '''"Dear Master; Sorry I let you down. You'd be better off with a real dog like everyone says. Your ex-pet, Goddard."''' He ran away! ===''King of Mars''=== :'''Libby''': Wow, the universe is so vast and intricate. I'm bored. :'''Cindy''': Hmm, Libs, keep an eye on Mars for me. It's been acting weird all night. :'''Libby''': ''[sniffing]'' Is that… Eau d'Amino Acid? Girl, you brought us here so you could flirt with Jimmy. :'''Cindy''': Did not! I'm here because Jimmy values my scientific input. :'''Libby''': Why don't those two just get a lab? :'''Cindy''': Hey, Neutron, have you checked out Mars? :'''Jimmy''': Huh? Mars is old news. I'm spotting comets. :'''Cindy''': But it's been showing huge fluctuations in brightness. Definitely worth a good long look. :'''Jimmy''': What's that bewitching scent? :'''Cindy''': You mean my perfume? I just splashed this on when I don't care what I smell like. <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': When a colleague suggests that you look at Mars, it's polite to look at Mars! <hr width=50%> :'''Eustace''': Hello, Neutron! :'''Libby''': ''[to Cindy]'' It's that spoiled rich kid who has it in for Jimmy! :'''Jimmy''': Eustace Strych. I thought you were grounded for life. :'''Eustace''': Yes, well, my daddy's will is easily manipulated. So, Jimmy, did you forget that I'd sworn everlasting vengeance against you? :'''Jimmy''': Hmm, it sort of slipped my mind because I have a life, you loser! :'''Eustace''': Don't get saucy with me. <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Well, it's your fault! ''[points to Jimmy]'' :'''Jimmy''': What?! :'''Cindy''': Oh, don't act dumb! At least Eustace treated me like an equal. You act like I don't even exist! :'''Jimmy''': You are so clueless, Vortex! Of course I know you exist, that’s why I pretend to ignore you! ===''How to Sink a Sub''=== :'''Principal Willoughby''': Heavens to Harvey Fierstein! This isn't the Pomona bypass. :'''Coach Grubber''': Willoughby, you dink! I told you turn left at the Pants Outlet! :'''Hilgo''': I'm frightened and nauseated. Where are we? :'''Miss Fowl''': We're in hyperspace, where no teacher has gone before. I've got a good idea who's responsible for this! <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Spread the word, people! School's out! :''[they throw a party]'' :'''Sheen''': I'm the king of the world! [''gets hit''] :'''Jimmy''': [''flying around the hallway with a rocket board''] Coming through, watch it! [''his rocket board gets magnitized''] Hey, what's wrong with my rocket board?! [''screams as he's pulled by his displeased mother; shocked''] Mom?! :'''Judy''': You are ''so'' grounded, mister! :'''Hugh''': [''pops out of a trash can''] She's right, Jimbo. I'm afraid your senseless reign of carnage is over. :'''Carl''': Hi, Jimmy. You said to spread the word, so I told our parents. :'''Judy''': You bring your teachers back, this instant. :'''Jimmy''': I can't! They're programmed to come back in a week. :'''Mr. Estevez''': Then, we'll have to round these children up ourselves. Kids? Oh, kids! :'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Allow me, hon. ''[loudly]'' '''QUIET!''' :''[The students all stop partying]'' :'''Judy''': Children, please go to your classrooms. Until Miss Fowl and the others return, we parents will be filling in as substitute teachers. :''[The students all groan and complain in dismay]'' :'''Jimmy''': ''[speechless]'' Substitute teachers? :'''Mr. Wheezer''': Good idea, Judy. The kids shouldn't miss one precious day of education. :'''Jimmy''': Mom, Dad, you can't do this! It'll be totally embarrassing! :'''Hugh''': Don't be silly, Jimbo. Your mother would never dream of embarrassing you. <hr width=50%> :'''Mrs. Wheezer''': What's wrong, Carl? Is my seven-layer soy mulch too tough? Let Mommy pre-chew it for you. :'''Carl''': Mmm! ''[sees Jimmy and Sheen reacting with disgust]'' I mean, gross! :'''Mrs. Wheezer''': You boys enjoy! :'''Jimmy''': I can't take it anymore! I actually wish we had our old teachers back! :'''Carl''': Are you gonna finish your soy mulch? :'''Jimmy''': Parents want to be substitute teachers, huh? Well, I say, it's time to ''sink'' some subs. <hr width=50%> :'''Sheen''': Dad, I'm warning you! Behave yourself! :'''Mr. Estevez''': ''[riding on a motorcycle with Mrs. Wheezer holding on]'' You can't tell me what to do! :'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Stop trying to ruin my life! <hr width=50%> :'''Miss Fowl''': Double time, Neutron! ===''Lady Sings The News''=== :''[Everyone walks away, and Jimmy kisses Cindy.]'' :'''Carl''': Hey, Guys! Okay, you're coming back right? Right? Guys! My scapula! <hr width=50%> :'''Butch''': "Jimmy and Cindy sitting in a--" :''[Cindy forcefully punches him squarely in the stomach.]'' :'''Butch''': ''[panting on the floor]'' "…..tree." ===''The League of Villains''=== :''[Aboard the giant Yolkian chicken ship, King Goobot has gathered every villain Jimmy has defeated together for the first League of Villains meeting]'' :'''King Goobot''': Welcome, fellow villains. I believe introductions are in order. I am King Goobot of Yolkus, and this is my assistant, Ooblar. Oh! Oopsy! ''[chuckles]'' I forgot-- I traded Ooblar to the Bulgosians for some sulfur butter. :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': I'm Beautiful Gorgeous, and I broke out of prison for this, so it better be good. ''[to her father]'' Pop. :'''Professor Calamitous''': Professor Finbarr Calamitous. I recently escaped, too. I used a…well, not a chisel, exactly, more of a long thingy with, uh, sort of forky prongs… :'''Baby Eddie''': ''[annoyed]'' Tick-tock, baldy! Let's move on! I'm Baby Eddie. Yeah, I'm a baby-- deal with it. :'''The Junkman''': The Junkman, purveyor of fine refuse products throughout the galaxy. You trash it, I cash it. :'''Grandma Taters''': I'm Grandma Taters, and I'm so happy to be here! Let's all sing "The Happy Song." ''[takes out her guitar and starts singing]'' ♪ Happy, happy, happy, happy… ♪ :'''Zix''': ''[whistles]'' That'll do, ancient one. We're the space bandits of the Dimdar Galaxy. I'm Zix, and this is Travoltron and Tee. :'''Tee''': Why can't I introduce myself?! :'''Travoltron''': 'Cause he already introduced you, bonehead. :'''Tee''': You calling me a bonehead?! How'd you like to be a no-head?! :'''Eustace''': If you gill breathers are done, I am Eustace Strych, and I could buy and sell you all! :'''The Junkman''': Make me an offer. :'''King Goobot''': Gentlemen, ladies, settle! I've called you here for a reason. :'''Zix''': Hold on, Goobot, this was supposed to be a discussion. How come ''you're'' calling the shots? :'''King Goobot''': Mmm, perhaps it's because I'm a king and you're all…oh, how do I put this? ''NOT'' KINGS! :'''Tee''': You said we'd talk about the villain's role in society. I got stuff to say! :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Our first order of business should be to give this guy a bath. He smells as bad as he looks. :'''The Junkman''': Watch it, toots! :'''King Goobot''': Silence! My friends, we share a common enemy, an enemy who must be stopped! Evil brothers and sisters, we are gathered here to plan the elimination of… JIMMY NEUTRON! :''[The villains cheer and the screen monitor elevates down, showing footage of Jimmy defeating them from throughout the series]'' :'''The Junkman''': Crush that little pip-squeak! :'''King Goobot''': For years, that pesky little genius has defeated us, humiliated us, and almost destroyed us! None of us have been able to conquer Jimmy on our own, but if we band together, we can wipe him off the face of galaxy and let evil triumph! <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Hey, what's this, Nerdtron? :'''Jimmy''': Don't go near that! :'''Cindy''': Okay. Jeez, it's just a bunch of stupid envelopes. :'''Jimmy''': Hardly-- this ''is'' an isolation chamber for ultra-dangerous substances. :'''Cindy''': Ooh, scary envelopes. I'm shaking. ''[she and Libby both laugh]'' :'''Jimmy''': I'm serious! Oh, and what part of "Girls stay behind the yellow line" did you not understand?! Perhaps you recall Love Potion 976/J? :'''Carl''': Oh, I do. It made you fall in love with the first person you saw. Sheen fell for Libby, Jimmy fell for Cindy, and I fell in love with the most beautiful woman in the… ''[gasps]'' Nothing. :'''Jimmy''': And these are essence of N-Men. I synthesized them from your DNA after we achieved superpowers. Ingesting your packet will give you your powers back for 30 minutes. :'''Libby''': Ooh, I want to be invisible again! :'''Cindy''': I want to be Special Girl for my karate competition this weekend! :'''Sheen''': I want to be Vibrating Sheen, so I can go to the bathroom all over the world! :'''Jimmy''': No! Don't you guys remember what happened last time we were the N-Men? :'''Cindy''': Yes. :'''Libby''': Yes. :'''Carl''': Yes. :'''Sheen''': So, what if I don't? A lot's happened since then. :'''Jimmy''': You couldn't control your powers. You got so out of control the town locked you up. :'''Cindy''': Excuse me, wasn't there also a big orange monster who went crazy and almost destroyed Retroville? Oh, that's right-- it was you! :'''Jimmy''': The point is, no one touches these unless there's an extreme emergency. I'm talking life-or-death situation, understand? :'''Libby''': But, Jimmy, we won't go crazy like we did last time. :'''Sheen''': Yeah, we're older and wiser-er. :'''Cindy''': We've changed. :'''Jimmy''': People ''don't'' change. Your personality is imprinted on your brain from birth-- look it up. :'''Sheen''': Friends, friends, let us not fight. We'll just agree to disagree. And then we'll break out the N-Men packets and have some fun! :'''Jimmy''': Hmm, let me think. NO! <hr width=50%> :'''King Goobot''': In order to abduct Jimmy Neutron, you'll be split into teams. First team: Baby Eddie and Grandma Taters. :'''Grandma Taters''': Ooh, we're going to have such a good time! :'''Baby Eddie''': I've got to be with the old broad? This stinks! :'''Grandma Taters''': ''[sweetly]'' I could just eat you up… ''[menacingly in her true self]'' and maybe I will! :'''King Goobot''': Team two: Beautiful Gorgeous and the Junkman. :'''The Junkman''': Yuck! :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': The feeling is mutual. :'''Baby Eddie''': Hey, Junkster, I'll trade you Wrinkles for Dollface. :'''King Goobot''': No trading! Team three: Eustace Strych and Professor Calamitous. :'''Eustace''': What?! The guy who can't complete a sentence?! I can't work with that fool. :'''Professor Calamitous''': Watch your tongue, sonny, or I'll… I'll… well, I'll… :'''Eustace''': Yes, fine, get back to me on that before I go to college! <hr width=50%> :''[Aboard The Junkman's ship, the villains circle around Jimmy as he wakes up]'' :'''Jimmy''': ''[gasps in horror]'' King Goobot, Baby Eddie, Grandma Taters, The Junkman, Eustace, Professor Calamitous, Beautiful Gorgeous, Zix, Travoltron, and Tee! :'''Tee''': How come he said my name last?! :'''King Goobot''': Hello, Jimmy. We were just in the neighborhood and thought we'd drop by. Care to go for a little ride? It will be your ''LAST!'' <hr width=50%> :''[The League of Villains put Jimmy on trial]'' :'''King Goobot''': Quiet! Quiet, I say! Quiet. Court is in session. The League of Villains vs. Jimmy Neutron. King Goobot presiding. :'''Jimmy''': Wait-- you're putting me on trial?! :'''King Goobot''': Of course! We're doing things by the book. :'''Jimmy''': What book? :'''King Goobot''': "The Big Book of Sham Trials." Be seated, jury. :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Do I have to sit next to stink boy here? I'm gonna throw up. :'''Professor Calamitous''': He can't smell any worse than this baby. :'''Baby Eddie''': Hey, I'm a baby. Babies poop! What? You didn't poop when you were a baby? :'''King Goobot''': Order! Order! Bailiff, control the jury. :'''Tee''': Man, why do I got to be the bailiff? I want to be on the jury! :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Too late. We already voted. :'''Tee''': How come I didn't get a vote? :'''Villains''': 'Cause you're not on the jury. ''[laughing]'' :'''King Goobot''': Order! Order, I say! James Isaac Neutron, you are charged with blocking the spread of evil, ruining diabolical plans and being an annoying pest. How do you plead? :'''Jimmy''': Well, first I have to say… :'''King Goobot''': Time's up. Thank you. The jury will now read the verdict. :'''Jimmy''': I didn't even get to defend myself! :'''King Goobot''': Hello! This is a League of Villains. What did you expect? Jury, how do you find the defendant? :'''Villains''': Guilty! :'''Jimmy''': What a shock. <hr width=50%> :'''King Goobot''': Jimmy Neutron's sentence has been decided. We shall blast him and his annoying sidekick into deep space! :'''The Junkman''': I still say we should eat him! :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Mr. Noxious, wouldn't you mind staying a minimum of 20 feet away from me so that I don't get nauseous? :'''The Junkman''': Gladly. :'''Baby Eddie''': Hey, Gorgeous, after this is all over, you want to grab dinner and a movie? :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Buzz off, baby. :''[Baby Eddie blows raspberry at her in return]'' :'''Eustace''': Can we wrap this up? I have a polo lesson in two hours. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': I should be able to get us back to Retroville at light speed. Look for some sort of transmitter so I can contact Carl. :'''Sheen''': I don't think that's necessary. :'''Jimmy''': Why not? :'''Sheen''': They're right there. :'''Jimmy''': What?! :'''Sheen''': That's them, all right. Carl's talking, Libby's drying her eyes, and Cindy's driving. :'''Jimmy''': This is terrible! They're heading to save us and we're heading back to… ''[realizes; enraged]'' CINDY'S DRIVING MY ROCKET?! <hr width=50%> :'''Mrs. Vortex''': I demand to know how this happened! :'''Hugh''': Well, Judy was tinkering with Jimmy's stuff. I'd ask her. :'''Judy''': ''[annoyingly miffed]'' Oh, really?! Well, Mr. Let's-Push-All-the-Buttons… :'''Hugh''': Now, honey, name calling won't solve this mess you got us in. Besides, we may be here for a while. Look, some people seem to be adapting. :'''Miss Fowl''': School is in session. Today's lesson is how to not get eaten by a giant fire ant. ''[squawks]'' :'''Butch''': Miss Fowl, a raptor ate my homework. :'''Man''': So, what do you got, Sam? :'''Sam''': Rock burgers, rock dogs and rock lobster with a side of rocks. :'''Man''': I'll just have soup. :'''Sam''': One hot water! Hold the rocks! :'''Judy''': Well, I guess we could live here. I could make curtains and paint the walls with some berry juice. :'''Hugh''': Now, that's the spirit, Sugar. Maybe it will distract you from thinking about our missing Jimbo. :'''Judy''': ''[weeping]'' My baby! :'''Hugh''': Oopsy. There, Sugarbooger. Remember, we're in the Cretaceous Era. We've got millions of years to come up with a plan to save him. :'''Judy''': Hugh, are you aware that most of the things you say make no sense? <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Neutron, what's going on? Who's after you? :'''Jimmy''': Every villain I've ever defeated has banded together to get rid of me for good! :'''Sheen''': Well, maybe if you'd gone along with my plan to come rescue you… :'''Jimmy''': What plan?! :'''Sheen''': Oh, right. :'''Jimmy''': Almost there! :''[The League of Villains block their way]'' :'''Carl''': Bad people! Lots of bad people! <hr width=50%> :''[As Carl, Sheen, Cindy, and Libby drink their N-Men packets, except for Jimmy, whose gotten the love potion instead, Carl confusingly mixes up the packets]'' :'''Jimmy''': You took all the wrong packets! :'''Cindy''': We were ''given'' the wrong packets! :'''Libby''': Carl, you're in big trouble! ''[punches Carl in the gut, whose invisible]'' :'''Carl''': Ow! I'm right next to you! <hr width=50%> :''[Jimmy blow-sprays the love potion on The Junkman and Beautiful Gorgeous, making them in love with each other]'' :'''The Junkman''': You're beautiful! :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Kiss me, you fool! <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Gotta hide somewhere so the villains don't find us. :'''Libby''': There's the moon-- we can hide there! :'''Jimmy''': Good idea. :'''Brobot''': Hi, Jimmy! I missed you! Want to play a game? I can make moon castles! Want to hear a song I wrote? It's called, "I Love Jimmy." ♪ I love Jimmy, I love Jimmy, I love Jimmy, I love Jimmy… ♪ :'''Jimmy''': I'd rather take my chances with the villains. :'''Sheen''': Good call. :'''Cindy''': Agreed. :'''Carl''': Can't blame you. :'''Libby''': Word. <hr width=50%> :'''Grandma Taters''': I'm going to take a little nappy. ''[snores loudly]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Uh, Neutron? We wanted Retroville, not Jungleville. :'''Sheen''': I think the gardeners went on strike. :'''Sam''': ''[while being chased by a raptor]'' HELP! Yeah, yeah. HELP! :'''Miss Fowl''': ''[while being chased by a giant black snake]'' Bad snake! Bad snake! :'''Jimmy''': This ''is'' Retroville. Based on the flora and fauna, I'd say that wormhole transported the town 75 million years in the past. :'''Sheen''': Awesome! Now I don't have to go to the dentist on Thursday! <hr width=50%> :'''Sam''': I just saw an egg, a baby, a granny, a rich kid, and two lizard guys-- yeah. :'''Sheen''': Oh, wait, wait-- I know this joke! :'''Cindy''': It's not a joke, you nimrod! It's the League of Villains! <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': I'd like to see Betty Quinlan do that! <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': So, what'll happen to Goobot and the other villains? :'''Jimmy''': I programmed the force field to wear off after a few minutes. I'm guessing the League of Villains will have their hands full for quite a while. ==External links== * {{imdb title|ch0033574|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius}} * [http://www.nick.com/all_nick/tv_supersites/display_show.jhtml?show_id=jim Jimmy Neutron at Nick.com] {{DEFAULTSORT:Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius, The}} [[Category:The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius seasons]] [[Category:Children's television seasons]] qm1rhfzfbxc18o3pgdqjjoqd51j2jzw 3157948 3157947 2022-08-25T21:26:04Z 162.197.99.132 /* The League of Villains */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{DISPLAYTITLE:''The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius''/Season 3}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1|1]] [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2|2]] [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3|3]] | [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius|'''Main''']] ---- '''''[[w:The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius]]''''' is a show that ran on Nickelodeon from 2002–2006. The show follows the life of genius kid Jimmy Neutron and his friends and family. It is also based on the 2001 CGI film ''[[Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (film)|Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]''. ===''Attack of the Twonkies''=== :''[Sheen volunteers for the school chorus]'' :'''Sheen''': ''[singing badly]'' '''''HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE--''''' :'''Principal Willoughby''': NEXT!!! :'''Sheen''': Eh, pardon? :'''Principal Willoughby''': Thank you. That's all I needed to hear. :'''Sheen''': Well, I can't say I'm surprised. Now, let's talk rehearsal schedule, man. Tuesdays, I have my action figure support so that's no good for me. Mondays… :'''Principal Willoughby''': Oh, dear. I better explain. Um, Sheen, amigo, I'm afraid you won't be joining the chorus. :'''Sheen''': What?! You're rejecting me?! :'''Principal Willoughby''': Now, now, now, don't take it personally. We needed an alto, and well, you're a… You're a… :'''Miss Fowl''': You're a terrible singer! :'''Principal Willoughby''': Miss Fowl! You see, Sheen, your voice… Um, how shall I put this? :'''Miss Fowl''': Your voice scares small children! :'''Principal Willoughby''': Miss Fowl, please! Look, Sheen, as chorus master, I know talent… :'''Miss Fowl''': And that's what you have: no talent! ''[Principal Willougby is about to burst]'' I'm done. <hr width=50%> :''[Sheen volunteers again disguised a with a mustache]'' :'''Sheen''': ''[singing badly]'' '''''HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE--''''' :'''Principal Willoughby''': NEXT!!! :'''Sheen''': Please let me in the chorus! ''[Miss Fowl rips Sheen's fake mustache off his face]'' My voice grows on you! :'''Miss Fowl''': So do liver spots, but they don't make you look at them! ''[cracks up laughing]'' :'''Principal Willoughby''': Now, Miss Fowl, that's not funny. ''[begins laughing]'' Okay, that's a little funny, but you know… :'''Sheen''': I've got half a mind to report you! :'''Principal Willoughby''': Half a mind? No wonder you can't sing! ''[he and Miss Fowl burst out in laughter as Sheen storms out the auditorium]'' Oh, we are so fired. ''[Miss Fowl looks shocked]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Your Twonkies attacked us in baby sized class! :'''Libby''': They busted my boom box! :'''Miss Fowl''': Those things are a menace! :'''Nick''': Dude, my do is ruined! :'''Butch''': Just when I was learning to love again! :'''Jimmy''': Guys! This isn't the time for blame. If it were I'd be saying things like "I tried to tell you" and "Why didn't you jerks listen to me?" Now all your stories have a common theme. :'''Carl''': Painful biting? :'''Butch''': Massive blood loss? :'''Jimmy''': No! ''Music!'' Harmonic patterns causes the Twonkies to morph into hostile beasts and attack the source of the sound. We've got to shut down ''all'' the music in town before the rest of the Twonkies hear. :'''Libby''': You can't stop the music! :'''Jimmy''': We've ''got'' to! <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': STOP! DON'T SING! :'''Principal Willoughby''': Miss Vortex, thank you for joining us, you're 10 minutes late! :'''Cindy''': Fellow choristers, due to a dangerous situation too complicated to go into now, this rehearsal is cancelled. Now I know how painful this must be for all of you… :''[The choristers cheer, and leave the stand]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': This isn't over, people! If we don't blast that monster back to the comet in the next ten minutes, he's stuck here for another year! :'''Sam''': That's bad. :'''Sheen''': I'll just sing to him every time he wakes up. :'''Miss Fowl''': That's worse! :'''Sam''': Yeah! ===''Lights! Camera! Danger!''=== :''[repeated line]'' :'''Quentin Smithee''': And action! ---- :'''Butch''': Mr. Smithee, uh…how do I start this thing? :'''Quentin Smithee''': I have no idea. Just keep pushing buttons until something happens. And... ---- :'''Quentin Smithee''': ''[found out that Hugh sung the Donut Boy theme song in the alley]'' No. This is the scene where you ''[throws the box of donuts to the ground''] <big>get lost!</big> ===''The N-Men''=== :''[Outer Space; Jimmy and the gang are flying back home to Earth in their Astrocar after playing mini golf on Mercury]'' :'''Sheen''': Engines down! Losing power! Abandon ship! :'''Libby''': You're enjoyin' that massage chair a little too much. :'''Sheen''': Set boosters on "Lower back"! Engage! :'''Carl''': Thanks for taking us miniature golfing on Mercury, Jimmy. Hey, you want some of my extra orange juice my mom packed me? :'''Jimmy''': Thanks, Carl… ''[gulps down the orange juice bottle]'' but we're not home yet. I still have to steer us past the Van Patten Radiation Belt. :'''Cindy''': Ha! Neutron probably thought the low gravity would throw off my backswing. Wrong! As usual. :'''Jimmy''': Hey, hey, how about instead of bragging, you thank me for inviting you along at all?! :'''Cindy''': You're right, Jimmy. Thank you… ''[pause]'' for letting me kick your butt on the back nine! :'''Jimmy''': What is your problem, Vortex?! :'''Cindy''': I don't have a problem! What's your problem?! :'''Jimmy''': Oh, I think you do have a problem! ''[arguing in unison]'' You know what the problem is? :'''Cindy''': ''[arguing in unison]'' No, I'm not the one with the problem, Neutron! :'''Carl''': ''[eating a sandwich while Jimmy and Cindy continue arguing]'' It's so hard to digest when they argue like that. ''[burps]'' <hr width=50%> :''[After passing through the Van Patten Radiation Belt and crash landing back home to Earth, Jimmy and his friends have discovered they've all gotten superpowers]'' :'''Jimmy''': I think I see what happened. You all got superpowers based on what you were doing when the Van Patten rays hit. :'''Cindy''': And you just turned orange? How lame is that? :'''Jimmy''': It's not lame! Maybe my cells store massive amounts of vitamin C or something. :'''Carl''': ''[sniffs]'' Mmm. He does have a pleasing, fruity aroma. :''[He, Cindy, and Libby laugh, making Jimmy cringe in anger]'' :'''Sheen''': Guys, get serious. We've all been endowed with incredible power. And I say we use that power ''to attack Tokyo!'' ''[runs to Tokyo and back]'' Guys, come on, pick up the pace. :'''Jimmy''': Sheen's right! Except for the part about Tokyo-- we have been given incredible power. But we should use it to fight crime. :'''Sheen''': Why didn't I think of that? :'''Libby''': You mean… become superheroes? :'''Cindy''': I hate to admit it, but that ''would'' be cool. :'''Carl''': I can fight crime, but I have to be home by 5:30. :'''Sheen''': Stack hands, everyone. We need to make a solemn vow. :''[All stack hands]'' :'''Sheen''': Let those who do evil beware! From this day forth, we shall be known as: The Fantastic League of Justice-Bringing Avenging Men! :'''Libby''': Excuse me?! :'''Sheen''': And two girls. <hr width=50%> :''[Neutron lab; 3 days later]'' :'''Jimmy''': I know, Goddard, but I can't stop working. I'm still missing one last ingredient for my superpower antidote. If only this mutant gene wasn't so hard to crack. Maybe if I tried a submolecular scam. ''[Screen shows Fatal Gene countdown to six hours]'' No. It can't be! Their powers are burning up their metabolisms! Their life forces will be drained in ''six'' hours! ''[bangs on his keypad]'' GOTTA WORK FASTER! ''[accidentally spills some Purple Flurp on the keyboard]'' No, no, NO! Now I'll ''never'' find a cure in time! ''[becomes extremely livid while throwing a fit]'' Why do I even care?! All they did was mock me. ''[gets up from his seat]'' Especially Cindy! She makes me ''so'' angry! ''[furiously throws a binocular box off-screen, crashing it]'' If only I'd gotten a cool superpower too, then I'd make her pay! I'd make 'em ''ALL'' pay! (''camera zooms in on his eye'') ''[growls crossly]'' What's wrong with me?! (''eye color changes burnt green'') ''[voice deepens]'' Feeling strange. ''[starts transforming into his huge hulk-like form as Goddard watches in fear]'' Thoughts, cloudy. Image of Cindy burning in my brain! :'''Hulk Jimmy''': ''[bursts out through the door of the clubhouse, roaring with rage]'' JIMMY ''DID'' GET SUPERPOWER! NOW JIMMY STRONG! NOW JIMMY '''''SMASH!!!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Sam''': ''[throwing an apple at Hulk Jimmy]'' Take that you misterable mistake of nature, yeah! ''[throws another at him]'' :'''Judy''': No, don't! You're only making him angry! <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Carl, why haven't you tried to perfect your super belches? :'''Carl''': I'm scared to, for my burps are ''way'' to dangerous. :'''Sheen''': But Carl, your destructive potential is part of the reason we love you. :'''Carl''': DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?! No more spice food or carbonated beverages! I've got to guard against even the slightest hiccup! :'''Sheen''': You mean no more chalupas? I feel your pain, dude. <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Guys, I think that orange-rampaging monster is Neutron! :'''Libby''': Those rays must've had some kind of delayed reaction on him. :'''Carl''': We gotta do something. The army might really hurt him! :'''Cindy''': All I did was make fun of him and, he still promised to help us. We have to help him! ===''The Tomorrow Boys''=== :'''Jimmy''': ''[as Future Jimmy opens the door]'' Hi, um, are you Jimmy Neutron? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Future Cindy''': NERDTRON! Nerdtron, what are you doing?! You're supposed to be soaking my mother's feet! And if it's not done every hour on the hour, she experiences severe flaking!! :'''Future Jimmy''': Cindy, can you not call me Nerdtron? ''[scoffs]'' Now that we're married? :''[The word "married" repeats itself, slowing down each time.]'' :'''Jimmy''': <big>'''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…'''''</big>''[commercial break, after which Jimmy is still screaming.]''<big>'''''…OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'''''</big> :'''Carl''': Wow. You just screamed for four minutes, Jim. :'''Sheen''': I'm both impressed ''and'' disturbed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Future Carl''': Yeah. I remember the first time I saw Mrs. V's feet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Jimmy saved the future! :'''Sheen''': That horrible dictator Libby will ''never'' plague us again! ''[they all look at Libby, whose looking super furious]'' Oh. Perhaps I'd better explain. :'''Libby''': ''[enraged]'' You and your stupid robot broke my house! :'''Sheen''': But… :'''Libby''': Ruined my party and destroy my gifts! :'''Sheen''': But… but… :'''Libby''': '''GET OUT!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Libby''': ''[to Sheen]'' Meet me at the Candy Bar, Sheen… ''[throws the door open, revealing his friends cleaning up; angrily]'' '''''AFTER YOU CLEAN MY HOUSE!''''' ===''Fundemonium''=== :'''Baby Quackers''': ''[repeated line]'' Gotta go potty! ''[puddle forms under her]'' Ooopsie! ===''Stranded''=== :'''Jimmy''': And I'm telling you that you can't see the equator! :'''Cindy''': Just an unpopulated area like the Pacific Ocean! :'''Jimmy''': WRONG! The equator's invisible and apparently so is your brain! :'''Cindy''': Well, at least my head doesn't need no time zone! :'''Jimmy''': Why'd you have to go there?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheen''': Ah the sea, who's water grows our gardens, who's electric eels light our homes, who's jellyfish fill our jelly donuts. :'''Libby''': Sheen, none of those things do any of those things. :'''Sheen''': Hey! You try staying awake staring at a stupid ocean! ''(grumbling sound)'' :'''Libby''': What's that sound? Carl, you're supposed to watch our readings. :'''Carl''': I'am. Their fine. :'''Libby''': Well, what does the fuel gauge say? :'''Carl''': It's fine. It's on "E" for…."engored with gas"…? ''(motor stops and hover car falling)'' :''(Everyone is screaming)'' :'''Libby''': Assume crash positions! :'''Sheen''': If you say so… ''(Carl and Sheen making faces)'' :'''Libby''': You know what... just go back to the screaming. ''(Everyone screams again)'' :''(Hover car splash in the ocean)'' :'''Carl''': Is everybody okay? :'''Sheen''': Well, I'am a little concerned that we're STRANDED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN!!!! :'''Carl''': Calm down, Sheen. :'''Sheen''': Don't tell me to calm down! This is all your fault! Anybody with a brian knows that "E" stands for... uh.... "elp yourself to some gas"! :'''Carl''': Does not! :'''Libby''': Guys! :'''Sheen''': Does so! :'''Libby''': Guys! :'''Carl''': Does not! :'''Sheen''': DOES SO! :'''Libby''': GUYS! This isn't helping! Now we need to get through this, we just need a strategy. :'''Carl''': Libby's right. :'''Sheen''': Kiss up. :'''Libby''': Now we're gonna need protein :'''Sheen''': Right, let's cut to the chase: who's eating who? :'''Carl''': Who's eating whom? :'''Sheen''': That's it! I'm eating you! :'''Carl''': Not if I eat you first! :'''Sheen''': I'll eat you in your sleep! :'''Carl''': Better not. :'''Libby''': I'm gonna chow down on both of you if you don't keep QUIET! :'''Carl''': She's right and at least we're in a boat, Jimmy and Cindy have been treading water for hours. :'''Sheen''': Poor guys. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cindy''': You know, I hate to say it Jimmy, but aside from the man-eating plants, giant spiders, and vicious snakes, um… this isn't so bad. :'''Jimmy''': It seems like if we stay out of the denser parts of the jungle, we should be fi… ''(record scratches)'' Did you just call me Jimmy? :'''Cindy''': Well, that is your name… :'''Jimmy''': I know. I just didn't know that you knew. I thought you thought it was "Neutroid", or "Speutron", or "King Cranium" or "Frankenhead"... :'''Cindy''': I know, I know. Jimmy, why do you think we always fight back home? :'''Jimmy:''' Oh, that's easy, because, well, uh... maybe because... uh... Huh... I don't remember. :'''Cindy:''' I don't either. I mean, I know I'm not supposed to like you, but being here on this island away from school and grades and peer pressure, it makes me realize how ridiculous that is. You're a really cool person. :'''Jimmy:''' R-really? ''[Cindy nods her head]'' I've sort of been thinking the same thing about you. :'''Cindy''': Really? Jimmy, if I had to be stranded on a deserted island with anybody, I'm glad it's you. :'''Jimmy:''' Me, too. Um, Cindy, if you're not doing anything tomorrow, well, do you think you might want to... I don't know, hang out together? :'''Cindy''': Hmm, I may have to move some appointments around, but what the heck, I accept. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': I was going to share, and I ate one, but it was so good, so I ate four and I…I…I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON! :'''Sheen''': YOU GOT THAT RIGHT! ''(throws the chocolate away)'' GET HIS LEGS, LIBBY! ''(he grabs Carl)'' :'''Libby''': Sheen, you can't throw Carl overboard. :'''Sheen''': ''(He halts)'' Why not? :'''Libby''': Because he might have more FOOD ON HIM! ''(they start pulling Carl back in and they hear a horn blow)'' Guys, did you hear something? :'''Carl''': It wasn't me. :'''Libby''': ''(gasps)'' It's an ocean liner! Try to get their attention! :'''Carl''': But they're so far away. :'''Libby''': Jimmy must keep a flare in here look around! ''(saw an emergency button)'' I think this is it. :'''Carl''': "For emergencies only." :'''Sheen''': THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! PUSH IT! :''(A light points towards at the ship and explosion)'' :'''Passengers''': We're okay! :'''Libby''': Um… maybe we should just keep this to ourselves. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheen''': I won't give up! Did Lewis and Clark give up?! Did Charles Lindbergh give up?! Did Saul Hoffnitz give up?! :'''Libby''': Who's Saul Hoffnitz? :'''Sheen''': I give up. The point is I'm not going back to Retroville without Jimmy and Cindy! I'm gonna find them even if I HAVE TO TEAR OUT EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF EQUIPMENT IN HERE!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Finished, now put your fuel ingredients into the gas tank. :''(Libby and Carl put all the ingredients into the gas tank, but Sheen pick up some strange rocks and put them into the gas tank)'' :'''Jimmy''': Sheen, what kind's of rocks are those? :'''Sheen''': Well I didn't know what shale look like, but I found these cool rock deep in the jungle. Look! :''(Sheen give the strange rock to Jimmy)'' :'''Jimmy''': These don't feel like rocks at all. they feel like… :''(Libby screamed and they saw a giant spider attack the hover car and they all are hiding in the rock)'' :'''Cindy''': Jimmy, that's the spider that made the web we saw! :'''Jimmy''': I think we put some of her eggs in the gas tank! :'''Carl''': If it destroys the hover car, we'll be stranded here forev… ''(record stretches)'' :'''Sheen, Libby, and Carl''': Did she just call you Jimmy? <hr width="50%"/> ===''Jimmy Goes to College''=== :'''Butch''': Big words: they hurt, they hurt! <hr width=50%> :'''Butch''': Big molecules: they hurt, they hurt! ===''Who's Your Mommy?''=== :'''Jimmy''': Welcome to Planet Schmangy! …Again. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': The strange appetite, the mood swings, the glowing buldges… Carl, I don't know how to say this, so I'll whisper it in Sheen's ear and he'll blurt it out in astonishment. ''[whispers to Sheen]'' :'''Sheen''': Carl is '''''PREGNANT?!''''' :'''Carl''': ''[jumps in shock]'' What!? <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Good news, Carl. I have an idea how to solve this without harming you, or the creature, and, why are nodding no? :'''Carl''': I thought about it, Jim. If it's a boy, I'll name him, Shmengo, and if it's a girl Shmengeta, I want to retain its alien heritage. :'''Jimmy''': ''WHAT?!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Carl, why aren't you more worried? This thing might feed off your insides, or electrocute you, or grow until it splits you in half! :'''Carl''': Yeah, kids can be a handful. ===''Clash of the Cousins''=== :''[Jimmy and his parents show up in the backyard of Aunt Kari's house for Great-Aunt Amanda's birthday with the rest of the Neutrons]'' :'''Jimmy''': ''[carrying her present]'' Happy Birthday, Great-Aunt Amanda! You're looking more beautiful and less wrinkly every year. :'''Aunt Amanda''': No thanks you, young man, your gadgets and gewgaws have taken ten years off my life! :'''Judy''': But, Aunt Amanda, how can you say that? Jimmy's gadgets have saved the town dozens of times. :'''Aunt Kari''': Sure. After he brought down a giant meteor to destroy us all. :'''Uncle Newt''': Or those evil rotting aliens. :'''Cousin Annabelle''': OR PANTS! HORRIBLE WALKING PANTS! :'''Cousin Gomer''': Which cousin are you again? :'''Hugh''': Now, now, now. Newt, Kari, Cousin Gomer, Cousin Annabelle… ''[Baby Eddie babbles]'' and little Eddie, let's not fight. We're gathered together because we love our dear Aunt Amanda and not because her fabulous wealth controls our very destiny. :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, can't we all just get along and be a family? :'''Aunt Amanda''': NO! Because of you, the Neutron name isn't respectable anymore. Why can you be nice like your two young friends? :'''Sheen''': Mmm! I've been waiting all year to eat Aunt Kari's salt patties. :'''Carl''': And this 147 bean salad is the best one yet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Aunt Amanda! I'm so sorry! The spatula's battery must have overloaded! :'''Aunt Amanda''': You little monster! I knew you couldn't be trusted! :'''Jimmy''': It's not supposed to do that! I swear, it will never happen again! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Guys, we have a situation. There is no reason those presents should have exploded. Someone bombarded the spatula with delta waves. Only a genius could come up with a plan like that. And the delta waves came from the backyard. Do you realize what that means? :'''Sheen''': Uh, Jimmy, do you mind if we just keep eating? :'''Jimmy''': It means that there's ''another'' genius in my family besides me. An <u>''evil''</u> genius. :'''Carl''': That's horrible! Hey, Sheen, are you gonna finish that death-by gelato? :'''Jimmy''': Okay, stop eating. :'''Sheen''': Sorry. :'''Carl''': Sorry. :'''Jimmy''': Goddard, isolate the Neutron genius gene. Now, compare the gene against DNA profiles of ''all'' adult family members. Hmm. The two most likely suspects would be…Cousin Gomer or Cousin Annabelle. :'''Carl''': Okay, so what you're saying is that one of them must only be ''acting'' dumb. :'''Sheen''': ''[belches]'' Or crazy. :'''Jimmy''': We gotta find out which one before they make another attempt on my family's lives! :'''Carl''': Right. To the buffet! What? I'm still hungry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Hey, Cousin Annabelle. :'''Cousin Annabelle''': ''[screams]'' DON'T SNEAK UP ON ME! I HAVE SENSELESS PANIC ATTACK SYNDROME! :'''Carl''': Uh, I'm allergic to wheat. :'''Cousin Annabelle''': Oh, really? GO AWAY! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Baby Eddie''': ''[laughing wickedly]'' Haven't you figured it out yet, Jimmy? :'''Jimmy''': ''[shocked]'' Cousin Eddie! :'''Baby Eddie''': I had you barking up the wrong tree. You know, maybe you ain't as bright as everybody thinks. :'''Jimmy''': How can I be so naive? I only checked the DNA of adult Neutrons. I never guessed that… :'''Baby Eddie''': A baby could be as smart as you? Heck, I'm smarter. And, I'm only 17 1/2 months old. Wait till I hit puberty-- bah-bing! :'''Sheen''': Why'd you do it, Cousin Eddie?! WHY?!? :'''Jimmy''': For Aunt Amanda's money, Sheen. :'''Baby Eddie''': Ding! We got a winner! Now, think fast, nimrods! ''[traps the boys and Cousin Gomer in his unbreakable fun rings]'' Don't waste your time. Nothing can escape my unbreakable fun rings. :'''Jimmy''': You're a ''bad'' baby, Eddie, and you got a diaper full of evil! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': ''[facing Baby Eddie]'' Too bad you didn't know about Goddard's backup battery. It's all over, Eddie! Oh, you're going down, baby. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Aunt Amanda''': This is the child you raised?! A vicious, rotten baby mauler?! :'''Jimmy''': It's not what you think, Aunt Amanda! Eddie's an evil genius! He was trying to blow everyone up so he could get your fortune! :'''Baby Eddie''': Goo. :'''Hugh''': He takes after <u>''her''</u> side of the family! ''[points at Judy]'' :'''Judy''': Hugh! :'''Hugh''': He may be adopted. It looks nothing like me. :''[A high-pitched whirring sound is heard]'' :'''Aunt Kari''': Wait. There's that horrible noise again! :'''Jimmy''': I know, Aunt Kari, I reset Eddie's rattle during our struggle. It's programmed to overload. :''[The sound is shown coming from Baby Eddie's rattle]'' :'''Baby Eddie''': Oh, poopy! ''[throws his rattle into the air and it explodes]'' You broke my rattle! You dweeby, no-good, pointy-headed, weasel-faced freak! ''[The adult Neutrons are shocked at his true colors being revealed]'' Uh, I mean… Goo! :'''Aunt Amanda''': That baby's a bad seed! [''to Jimmy''] It's Jimmy who's the good nephew! :''[The other adult Neutrons cheer for Jimmy as Sheen, Carl, and Cousin Gomer exit the house]'' :'''Aunt Kari''': I'm so sorry little Eddie tried to destroy us all. :'''Jimmy''': If I were you Aunt Kari, I'd keep him on a baby leash. :'''Baby Eddie''': Oh, no, not the leash! I'll get you for this, Cousin Jimmy, you hear me?! This ain't finished, not by a long shot! Hey, where's my juicy cup? Where is the cup that I can spill without spilling? :'''Jimmy''': Dad, our family is ''very'' weird. :'''Hugh''': It sure is, son. It sure is. ===''My Big Fat Spy Wedding''=== ===''Crouching Jimmy, Hidden Sheen''=== :'''Jimmy''': ''[in trying to find a way to help Sheen defeat a zealous karate practioner who wants to ursurp Sheen's position as "The Chosen One"]'' There's only one way to help Sheen train. :'''Sheen''': ''[in front of a dojo]'' A tutor? :'''Jimmy''': We have no other choice! :'''Sheen''': Why don't you just make me take piano lessons while I'm at it? :''[The Dojo head, Master Hong, answers the door]'' :'''Master Hong''': Yes? :'''Jimmy''': Master Hong? :'''Sheen''': Dude, aren't you a little old to teach kung-fu? :'''Master Hong''': ''[calmly, holding out a pebble]'' Snatch this pebble from my hand. :'''Sheen''': ''[sarcastically]'' Snatch the pebble… too easy! ''[gets slammed around by Master Hong]'' You're hired! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lead Shangri-Llama Monk''': ''[of Sheen]'' To the Chosen One! Long may he put his leg behind his head! ===''The Incredible Shrinking Town''=== :'''Sheen''': Aw, cheer up, Jimmy. Hey, after the game, you wanna come over to watch ''Wizard of Oz''? I love those little monkeys. ''[Jimmy glares at him]'' What? What'd I say? Man, you dinky guys are so touchy. :'''Jimmy''': You guys have ''no'' idea what it's like to be the short guy. It's like…it's like… :'''Sheen:''' Uh, you're not gonna sing, are you? <hr width=50%> :'''Sheen''': ''[Reading a message about the Vomitorium]'' Do not go on this ride if you have a bad back, bad neck, or hate puking. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Judy''': This is a nightmare. How am I going to clean this house if I'm six inches tall? :'''Hugh''': I know, these are ''dark'' times, Sugarbooger. But look on the bright side. We finally got a jumbo-sized TV! :''[Goddard flies into the living room]'' :'''Judy''': ''[to Jimmy; sharply]'' James Issac Neutron, are you responsible for this? :'''Jimmy''': You know, Mom, we ''could'' waste precious time assigning blame. :'''Judy''': ''[still sharped]'' Jimmy! :'''Jimmy''': Kinda. :'''Judy''': Hugh, speak to your son. <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Now, listen Neutron, you'd better… :'''Carl''': ''[impersonating Mrs. Vortex's voice]'' Cynthia Vortex! Come over here and help your mother clean up Humphrey's extremely large poopy poo-poo! :'''Cindy''': Oh, just make us big Neutron! <hr width=50%> :''[The space bandits have captured the citizens and are taking them on the McSpanky's ship.]'' :'''Cindy''': Well, we can all thank our favorite boy genius for getting us into mortal danger -- ''again!'' :'''Libby''': At least we can say we had an exciting childhood. :'''Carl''': ''[sees the ship]'' Hey, look, it's the old McSpanky's burger joint that we used to work at till you shot it at the sun, Jimmy. :'''Jimmy''': They've turned it into a spaceship. :'''Sheen''': ''[opens a fake treasure chest]'' It's okay, our worries are over! We're rich!! ''[hugs it]'' :''[Jimmy rolls his eyes]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Whoa, whoa, whoa. Time out! May I just remind everybody, this was ALL Neutron's fault?! ===''One of Us''=== :'''Jimmy''': ''(narrating)'' There we were, running for our lives from our best friends and family. How did this happen? It all began on a normal day at school. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Libby, did you just turn some music off? :'''Libby''': ''[turns slowly to Jimmy; also smiling]'' Hello Jimmy, I'm happy to see you. Did you watch "The Happy Show Show" last night? <hr width=50%> :'''Sheen''': Hi, Jimmy. You watched "The Happy Show Show?" :'''Jimmy''': Yes, and it was the worst show ever! It was obnoxious, idiotic, silly, infantile, inane, vapid… Shall I go on? :'''Libby''': You need to watch it again. :'''Jimmy''': ''Again?!'' I could barely watch the first 30 seconds! I thought my TV would explode! I thought I might faint from the fumes of the show's supreme stinkiness! :'''Carl''': You should give it another chance. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': ''[narrating]'' The show was hypnotizing people and turning them into mindless zombies! It didn't effect me because I was only watching the reflection. ''[bursts the door open and enters]'' Betty, snap out of it! You've been hypnotized! Stop watching the TV! :'''Betty''': But I must watch, and you must watch, too. :'''Jimmy''': ''[runs away, screaming as he makes it back to his house]'' Mom, Dad, we've gotta call someone! There's a TV show that's turning everyone into… ''[enters the living room, only to see his parents being hypnotized too]'' :'''Judy and Hugh''': Hello, Jimmy, we're happy to see you. :'''Jimmy''': You too? :'''Judy''': Come sit here and we'll be happy together. :'''Jimmy''': ''[quickly runs out of the house]'' '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!''''' :'''Judy''': Shall we chase him? :'''Hugh''': Nothing would make me happier. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Grandma Taters, I presume! :'''Grandma Taters''': Well, hello, honey, come on in. Would you like some hard candy? :'''Jimmy''': I know what you're up to, lady. :'''Grandma Taters''': ''[pinches Jimmy's cheek]'' Well, aren't you a smart little boy? <hr width=50%> :'''Grandma Taters''': Restraints! :'''Jimmy''': Mom, Dad, you can't do this to me! :'''Judy''': Oh, we're happy to do it. :'''Hugh''': I positively ecstatic. :'''Jimmy''': But you're not supposed to be happy all the time! You have to be sad sometimes! :'''Hugh''': Happily, that's no longer true. :'''Jimmy''': But don't you see? Grandma Taters' show has stolen your emotions and caused you to lose your humanity! Soon, the whole world will be pack of soulless, mindless zombies! :'''Sheen''': Wondering if I care…still wondering… NOPE! <hr width=50%> :'''Grandma Taters''': I'm sorry, girls. I failed. :'''Grandma Clones''': That's alright, honey. Come in for some muffins. And bran juice. ===''Vanishing Act''=== ===''The Trouble with Clones''=== :'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[hijacking into the communication satellite phone in Earth's orbit, making prank calls]'' Yeah, hi, is the U.N. Security Council? I'm looking for Ambassador Shake My Booty, first name Ivanna. :'''Man''': Hold on. Guys! Ivanna Shake My Booty. You heard me: Ivanna Shake My Booty! :''[Laughter is heard through the phone]'' :'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[laughing evilly]'' Oh, mercy! <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Jimmy''': I hate that little dweeb. <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Jimmy''': While the dork's away, the clones will play, eh, pooch? :''[Goddard whimpers and nods yes]'' :'''Jimmy''': You're in big trouble, clone! Step away from that duplicator! :'''Evil Jimmy''': Sorry, no can do, bro. This goodie-two-shoes town of yours ain't big enough for the both of us. :'''Jimmy''': Wait-- you don't know how dangerous that thing is! :'''Evil Jimmy''': Oh, I think I do. ''[starts up his rocket and flies away]'' Hasta la vista, big-head! :'''Jimmy''': Don't worry, Goddard. He forgot about ''my'' rocket. ''[jumps in his rocket but as he starts it up, the engine is clogged up by a watermelon]'' I really hate that clone. <hr width=50%> :'''Hugh''': Hi, Jim-Jam, gettin' ready to visit that new planet in the sky? :'''Jimmy''': New planet? What new planet? ''[Hugh points to the planet in the sky; gasps]'' :'''Hugh''': Sure is pretty. In a creepy, steaming kind of way. :'''Jimmy''': Goddard, deploy telescope. ''[Goddard analyzes the planet to be a cloned Earth; horrified]'' Oh, no-- he's cloned another Earth! My evil clone must've used the Flux Field to clone a duplicate Earth. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Leaping leptons! Evil Jimmy somehow made his cloned Earth just as evil as he is. Better blend in. ''[makes his hair and eyebrows to look like his evil clone]'' Oh, yeah, I'm evil. Oh, yeah, I'm bad. <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Health Inspector''': Well, this place is unsafe, unsanitary, and crawling with vermins. Congratulations. You passed your health inspection. :'''Evil Sam''': I am to displeased, yeah! <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Miss Fowl''': Take your seats, maggots. Evil Cindy and Evil Libby will now give a presentation on wedgies. :'''Evil Cindy''': Thank you, ugly. Class, nothing hurts like a wedgie, and yet few people understand the proper technique. :'''Evil Libby''': May we have a volunteer, ''NICK?!'' :'''Evil Nick''': No, you can't! ''[as Evil Butch pulls him out of his desk seat and shoves him to the girls]'' I'll get you for this! :'''Evil Libby''': Assume to position! :'''Evil Cindy''': Simply reach, grab, and give a forceful 90-degree tug. ''[pulls Evil Nick's underwear harder as he screams in pain]'' :'''Evil Libby''': Note the beads of pain-induced sweat. <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Miss Fowl''': After him! Fly, my pretties, FLY! <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Judy''': Hello, sweetie, home so soon? ''[cutting roses into a bucket]'' I'm just dirtying up the house before dinner. :'''Evil Hugh''': We're having duck again. I must have bagged over 87 bubbleheads this morning. Oh, they quacked for mercy, but I just laughed and laughed. ''[he and Evil Judy both start laughing evilly]'' :'''Jimmy''': This is going to scar me for life. Mom, Dad, I know helping is good, and I know that you're evil, but I'm still your son, right? :'''Evil Hugh''': Yep-a-roonie, ''[combs Jimmy's hair to his normal style]'' our very, very good son. :'''Evil Judy''': Our evil son has ordered us to capture you for experimentation. ''[presses a button on a remote, letting a cage fall in on Jimmy, trapping him]'' :'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[appearing]'' Well, well, well, if it isn't the wimpy dip-headed freak. Hey, nice of you to drop by. I see you met the folks. :''[They all chuckle evilly; Later, Evil Jimmy escorts Jimmy to his lab with Evil Goddard behind, pointing his gun at him]'' :'''Evil Jimmy''': So, what do you think of my little world, doc? :'''Jimmy''': It's sick twisted and smells like old socks! How'd you make this duplicate Earth evil?! :'''Evil Jimmy''': With a dark matter power chip. Yeah, I know, feel free to applaud. <hr width=50%> :'''Hugh''': Ah, goodbye mild backache. ''[the world returns to normal and falls to the ground]'' Hello, blindingly, painful backache. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Clone, no! If you break that chip, the whole planet will get sucked into the dark-matter dimension! :'''Evil Jimmy''': And you'll be trapped with us! ''[breaks the chip into two pieces]'' Catch you on the flip side, wimpy dip! <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': At least my evil clone is gone for good. No one has ever come back from my dark-matter dimension. :'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' You're not gonna get away with this, wimpy dip! You can't keep that an evil clone down! I'll be back! ''[laughs evilly]'' ===''Who Framed Jimmy Neutron?''=== ===''Flippy''=== ===''El Magnifico''=== ===''Best in Show''=== :'''Jimmy''': Goddard? ''[finds Goddard's note next to him in his bed]'' He left me a note in binary code. Better translate. ''[gets up from his bed and inserts the note into his computer]'' '''"Dear Master; Sorry I let you down. You'd be better off with a real dog like everyone says. Your ex-pet, Goddard."''' He ran away! ===''King of Mars''=== :'''Libby''': Wow, the universe is so vast and intricate. I'm bored. :'''Cindy''': Hmm, Libs, keep an eye on Mars for me. It's been acting weird all night. :'''Libby''': ''[sniffing]'' Is that… Eau d'Amino Acid? Girl, you brought us here so you could flirt with Jimmy. :'''Cindy''': Did not! I'm here because Jimmy values my scientific input. :'''Libby''': Why don't those two just get a lab? :'''Cindy''': Hey, Neutron, have you checked out Mars? :'''Jimmy''': Huh? Mars is old news. I'm spotting comets. :'''Cindy''': But it's been showing huge fluctuations in brightness. Definitely worth a good long look. :'''Jimmy''': What's that bewitching scent? :'''Cindy''': You mean my perfume? I just splashed this on when I don't care what I smell like. <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': When a colleague suggests that you look at Mars, it's polite to look at Mars! <hr width=50%> :'''Eustace''': Hello, Neutron! :'''Libby''': ''[to Cindy]'' It's that spoiled rich kid who has it in for Jimmy! :'''Jimmy''': Eustace Strych. I thought you were grounded for life. :'''Eustace''': Yes, well, my daddy's will is easily manipulated. So, Jimmy, did you forget that I'd sworn everlasting vengeance against you? :'''Jimmy''': Hmm, it sort of slipped my mind because I have a life, you loser! :'''Eustace''': Don't get saucy with me. <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Well, it's your fault! ''[points to Jimmy]'' :'''Jimmy''': What?! :'''Cindy''': Oh, don't act dumb! At least Eustace treated me like an equal. You act like I don't even exist! :'''Jimmy''': You are so clueless, Vortex! Of course I know you exist, that’s why I pretend to ignore you! ===''How to Sink a Sub''=== :'''Principal Willoughby''': Heavens to Harvey Fierstein! This isn't the Pomona bypass. :'''Coach Grubber''': Willoughby, you dink! I told you turn left at the Pants Outlet! :'''Hilgo''': I'm frightened and nauseated. Where are we? :'''Miss Fowl''': We're in hyperspace, where no teacher has gone before. I've got a good idea who's responsible for this! <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Spread the word, people! School's out! :''[they throw a party]'' :'''Sheen''': I'm the king of the world! [''gets hit''] :'''Jimmy''': [''flying around the hallway with a rocket board''] Coming through, watch it! [''his rocket board gets magnitized''] Hey, what's wrong with my rocket board?! [''screams as he's pulled by his displeased mother; shocked''] Mom?! :'''Judy''': You are ''so'' grounded, mister! :'''Hugh''': [''pops out of a trash can''] She's right, Jimbo. I'm afraid your senseless reign of carnage is over. :'''Carl''': Hi, Jimmy. You said to spread the word, so I told our parents. :'''Judy''': You bring your teachers back, this instant. :'''Jimmy''': I can't! They're programmed to come back in a week. :'''Mr. Estevez''': Then, we'll have to round these children up ourselves. Kids? Oh, kids! :'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Allow me, hon. ''[loudly]'' '''QUIET!''' :''[The students all stop partying]'' :'''Judy''': Children, please go to your classrooms. Until Miss Fowl and the others return, we parents will be filling in as substitute teachers. :''[The students all groan and complain in dismay]'' :'''Jimmy''': ''[speechless]'' Substitute teachers? :'''Mr. Wheezer''': Good idea, Judy. The kids shouldn't miss one precious day of education. :'''Jimmy''': Mom, Dad, you can't do this! It'll be totally embarrassing! :'''Hugh''': Don't be silly, Jimbo. Your mother would never dream of embarrassing you. <hr width=50%> :'''Mrs. Wheezer''': What's wrong, Carl? Is my seven-layer soy mulch too tough? Let Mommy pre-chew it for you. :'''Carl''': Mmm! ''[sees Jimmy and Sheen reacting with disgust]'' I mean, gross! :'''Mrs. Wheezer''': You boys enjoy! :'''Jimmy''': I can't take it anymore! I actually wish we had our old teachers back! :'''Carl''': Are you gonna finish your soy mulch? :'''Jimmy''': Parents want to be substitute teachers, huh? Well, I say, it's time to ''sink'' some subs. <hr width=50%> :'''Sheen''': Dad, I'm warning you! Behave yourself! :'''Mr. Estevez''': ''[riding on a motorcycle with Mrs. Wheezer holding on]'' You can't tell me what to do! :'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Stop trying to ruin my life! <hr width=50%> :'''Miss Fowl''': Double time, Neutron! ===''Lady Sings The News''=== :''[Everyone walks away, and Jimmy kisses Cindy.]'' :'''Carl''': Hey, Guys! Okay, you're coming back right? Right? Guys! My scapula! <hr width=50%> :'''Butch''': "Jimmy and Cindy sitting in a--" :''[Cindy forcefully punches him squarely in the stomach.]'' :'''Butch''': ''[panting on the floor]'' "…..tree." ===''The League of Villains''=== :''[Aboard the giant Yolkian chicken ship, King Goobot has gathered every villain Jimmy has defeated together for the first League of Villains meeting]'' :'''King Goobot''': Welcome, fellow villains. I believe introductions are in order. I am King Goobot of Yolkus, and this is my assistant, Ooblar. Oh! Oopsy! ''[chuckles]'' I forgot-- I traded Ooblar to the Bulgosians for some sulfur butter. :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': I'm Beautiful Gorgeous, and I broke out of prison for this, so it better be good. ''[to her father]'' Pop. :'''Professor Calamitous''': Professor Finbarr Calamitous. I recently escaped, too. I used a…well, not a chisel, exactly, more of a long thingy with, uh, sort of forky prongs… :'''Baby Eddie''': ''[annoyed]'' Tick-tock, baldy! Let's move on! I'm Baby Eddie. Yeah, I'm a baby-- deal with it. :'''The Junkman''': The Junkman, purveyor of fine refuse products throughout the galaxy. You trash it, I cash it. :'''Grandma Taters''': I'm Grandma Taters, and I'm so happy to be here! Let's all sing "The Happy Song." ''[takes out her guitar and starts singing]'' ♪ Happy, happy, happy, happy… ♪ :'''Zix''': ''[whistles]'' That'll do, ancient one. We're the space bandits of the Dimdar Galaxy. I'm Zix, and this is Travoltron and Tee. :'''Tee''': Why can't I introduce myself?! :'''Travoltron''': 'Cause he already introduced you, bonehead. :'''Tee''': You calling me a bonehead?! How'd you like to be a no-head?! :'''Eustace''': If you gill breathers are done, I am Eustace Strych, and I could buy and sell you all! :'''The Junkman''': Make me an offer. :'''King Goobot''': Gentlemen, ladies, settle! I've called you here for a reason. :'''Zix''': Hold on, Goobot, this was supposed to be a discussion. How come ''you're'' calling the shots? :'''King Goobot''': Mmm, perhaps it's because I'm a king and you're all…oh, how do I put this? ''NOT'' KINGS! :'''Tee''': You said we'd talk about the villain's role in society. I got stuff to say! :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Our first order of business should be to give this guy a bath. He smells as bad as he looks. :'''The Junkman''': Watch it, toots! :'''King Goobot''': Silence! My friends, we share a common enemy, an enemy who must be stopped! Evil brothers and sisters, we are gathered here to plan the elimination of… JIMMY NEUTRON! :''[The villains cheer and the screen monitor elevates down, showing footage of Jimmy defeating them throughout the series]'' :'''The Junkman''': Crush that little pip-squeak! :'''King Goobot''': For years, that pesky little genius has defeated us, humiliated us, and almost destroyed us! None of us have been able to conquer Jimmy on our own, but if we band together, we can wipe him off the face of galaxy and let evil triumph! <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Hey, what's this, Nerdtron? :'''Jimmy''': Don't go near that! :'''Cindy''': Okay. Jeez, it's just a bunch of stupid envelopes. :'''Jimmy''': Hardly-- this ''is'' an isolation chamber for ultra-dangerous substances. :'''Cindy''': Ooh, scary envelopes. I'm shaking. ''[she and Libby both laugh]'' :'''Jimmy''': I'm serious! Oh, and what part of "Girls stay behind the yellow line" did you not understand?! Perhaps you recall Love Potion 976/J? :'''Carl''': Oh, I do. It made you fall in love with the first person you saw. Sheen fell for Libby, Jimmy fell for Cindy, and I fell in love with the most beautiful woman in the… ''[gasps]'' Nothing. :'''Jimmy''': And these are essence of N-Men. I synthesized them from your DNA after we achieved superpowers. Ingesting your packet will give you your powers back for 30 minutes. :'''Libby''': Ooh, I want to be invisible again! :'''Cindy''': I want to be Special Girl for my karate competition this weekend! :'''Sheen''': I want to be Vibrating Sheen, so I can go to the bathroom all over the world! :'''Jimmy''': No! Don't you guys remember what happened last time we were the N-Men? :'''Cindy''': Yes. :'''Libby''': Yes. :'''Carl''': Yes. :'''Sheen''': So, what if I don't? A lot's happened since then. :'''Jimmy''': You couldn't control your powers. You got so out of control the town locked you up. :'''Cindy''': Excuse me, wasn't there also a big orange monster who went crazy and almost destroyed Retroville? Oh, that's right-- it was you! :'''Jimmy''': The point is, no one touches these unless there's an extreme emergency. I'm talking life-or-death situation, understand? :'''Libby''': But, Jimmy, we won't go crazy like we did last time. :'''Sheen''': Yeah, we're older and wiser-er. :'''Cindy''': We've changed. :'''Jimmy''': People ''don't'' change. Your personality is imprinted on your brain from birth-- look it up. :'''Sheen''': Friends, friends, let us not fight. We'll just agree to disagree. And then we'll break out the N-Men packets and have some fun! :'''Jimmy''': Hmm, let me think. NO! <hr width=50%> :'''King Goobot''': In order to abduct Jimmy Neutron, you'll be split into teams. First team: Baby Eddie and Grandma Taters. :'''Grandma Taters''': Ooh, we're going to have such a good time! :'''Baby Eddie''': I've got to be with the old broad? This stinks! :'''Grandma Taters''': ''[sweetly]'' I could just eat you up… ''[menacingly in her true self]'' and maybe I will! :'''King Goobot''': Team two: Beautiful Gorgeous and the Junkman. :'''The Junkman''': Yuck! :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': The feeling is mutual. :'''Baby Eddie''': Hey, Junkster, I'll trade you Wrinkles for Dollface. :'''King Goobot''': No trading! Team three: Eustace Strych and Professor Calamitous. :'''Eustace''': What?! The guy who can't complete a sentence?! I can't work with that fool. :'''Professor Calamitous''': Watch your tongue, sonny, or I'll… I'll… well, I'll… :'''Eustace''': Yes, fine, get back to me on that before I go to college! <hr width=50%> :''[Aboard The Junkman's ship, the villains circle around Jimmy as he wakes up]'' :'''Jimmy''': ''[gasps in horror]'' King Goobot, Baby Eddie, Grandma Taters, The Junkman, Eustace, Professor Calamitous, Beautiful Gorgeous, Zix, Travoltron, and Tee! :'''Tee''': How come he said my name last?! :'''King Goobot''': Hello, Jimmy. We were just in the neighborhood and thought we'd drop by. Care to go for a little ride? It will be your ''LAST!'' <hr width=50%> :''[The League of Villains put Jimmy on trial]'' :'''King Goobot''': Quiet! Quiet, I say! Quiet. Court is in session. The League of Villains vs. Jimmy Neutron. King Goobot presiding. :'''Jimmy''': Wait-- you're putting me on trial?! :'''King Goobot''': Of course! We're doing things by the book. :'''Jimmy''': What book? :'''King Goobot''': "The Big Book of Sham Trials." Be seated, jury. :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Do I have to sit next to stink boy here? I'm gonna throw up. :'''Professor Calamitous''': He can't smell any worse than this baby. :'''Baby Eddie''': Hey, I'm a baby. Babies poop! What? You didn't poop when you were a baby? :'''King Goobot''': Order! Order! Bailiff, control the jury. :'''Tee''': Man, why do I got to be the bailiff? I want to be on the jury! :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Too late. We already voted. :'''Tee''': How come I didn't get a vote? :'''Villains''': 'Cause you're not on the jury. ''[laughing]'' :'''King Goobot''': Order! Order, I say! James Isaac Neutron, you are charged with blocking the spread of evil, ruining diabolical plans and being an annoying pest. How do you plead? :'''Jimmy''': Well, first I have to say… :'''King Goobot''': Time's up. Thank you. The jury will now read the verdict. :'''Jimmy''': I didn't even get to defend myself! :'''King Goobot''': Hello! This is a League of Villains. What did you expect? Jury, how do you find the defendant? :'''Villains''': Guilty! :'''Jimmy''': What a shock. <hr width=50%> :'''King Goobot''': Jimmy Neutron's sentence has been decided. We shall blast him and his annoying sidekick into deep space! :'''The Junkman''': I still say we should eat him! :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Mr. Noxious, wouldn't you mind staying a minimum of 20 feet away from me so that I don't get nauseous? :'''The Junkman''': Gladly. :'''Baby Eddie''': Hey, Gorgeous, after this is all over, you want to grab dinner and a movie? :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Buzz off, baby. :''[Baby Eddie blows raspberry at her in return]'' :'''Eustace''': Can we wrap this up? I have a polo lesson in two hours. <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': I should be able to get us back to Retroville at light speed. Look for some sort of transmitter so I can contact Carl. :'''Sheen''': I don't think that's necessary. :'''Jimmy''': Why not? :'''Sheen''': They're right there. :'''Jimmy''': What?! :'''Sheen''': That's them, all right. Carl's talking, Libby's drying her eyes, and Cindy's driving. :'''Jimmy''': This is terrible! They're heading to save us and we're heading back to… ''[realizes; enraged]'' CINDY'S DRIVING MY ROCKET?! <hr width=50%> :'''Mrs. Vortex''': I demand to know how this happened! :'''Hugh''': Well, Judy was tinkering with Jimmy's stuff. I'd ask her. :'''Judy''': ''[annoyingly miffed]'' Oh, really?! Well, Mr. Let's-Push-All-the-Buttons… :'''Hugh''': Now, honey, name calling won't solve this mess you got us in. Besides, we may be here for a while. Look, some people seem to be adapting. :'''Miss Fowl''': School is in session. Today's lesson is how to not get eaten by a giant fire ant. ''[squawks]'' :'''Butch''': Miss Fowl, a raptor ate my homework. :'''Man''': So, what do you got, Sam? :'''Sam''': Rock burgers, rock dogs and rock lobster with a side of rocks. :'''Man''': I'll just have soup. :'''Sam''': One hot water! Hold the rocks! :'''Judy''': Well, I guess we could live here. I could make curtains and paint the walls with some berry juice. :'''Hugh''': Now, that's the spirit, Sugar. Maybe it will distract you from thinking about our missing Jimbo. :'''Judy''': ''[weeping]'' My baby! :'''Hugh''': Oopsy. There, Sugarbooger. Remember, we're in the Cretaceous Era. We've got millions of years to come up with a plan to save him. :'''Judy''': Hugh, are you aware that most of the things you say make no sense? <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Neutron, what's going on? Who's after you? :'''Jimmy''': Every villain I've ever defeated has banded together to get rid of me for good! :'''Sheen''': Well, maybe if you'd gone along with my plan to come rescue you… :'''Jimmy''': What plan?! :'''Sheen''': Oh, right. :'''Jimmy''': Almost there! :''[The League of Villains block their way]'' :'''Carl''': Bad people! Lots of bad people! <hr width=50%> :''[As Carl, Sheen, Cindy, and Libby drink their N-Men packets, except for Jimmy, whose gotten the love potion instead, Carl confusingly mixes up the packets]'' :'''Jimmy''': You took all the wrong packets! :'''Cindy''': We were ''given'' the wrong packets! :'''Libby''': Carl, you're in big trouble! ''[punches Carl in the gut, whose invisible]'' :'''Carl''': Ow! I'm right next to you! <hr width=50%> :''[Jimmy blow-sprays the love potion on The Junkman and Beautiful Gorgeous, making them in love with each other]'' :'''The Junkman''': You're beautiful! :'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Kiss me, you fool! <hr width=50%> :'''Jimmy''': Gotta hide somewhere so the villains don't find us. :'''Libby''': There's the moon-- we can hide there! :'''Jimmy''': Good idea. :'''Brobot''': Hi, Jimmy! I missed you! Want to play a game? I can make moon castles! Want to hear a song I wrote? It's called, "I Love Jimmy." ♪ I love Jimmy, I love Jimmy, I love Jimmy, I love Jimmy… ♪ :'''Jimmy''': I'd rather take my chances with the villains. :'''Sheen''': Good call. :'''Cindy''': Agreed. :'''Carl''': Can't blame you. :'''Libby''': Word. <hr width=50%> :'''Grandma Taters''': I'm going to take a little nappy. ''[snores loudly]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': Uh, Neutron? We wanted Retroville, not Jungleville. :'''Sheen''': I think the gardeners went on strike. :'''Sam''': ''[while being chased by a raptor]'' HELP! Yeah, yeah. HELP! :'''Miss Fowl''': ''[while being chased by a giant black snake]'' Bad snake! Bad snake! :'''Jimmy''': This ''is'' Retroville. Based on the flora and fauna, I'd say that wormhole transported the town 75 million years in the past. :'''Sheen''': Awesome! Now I don't have to go to the dentist on Thursday! <hr width=50%> :'''Sam''': I just saw an egg, a baby, a granny, a rich kid, and two lizard guys-- yeah. :'''Sheen''': Oh, wait, wait-- I know this joke! :'''Cindy''': It's not a joke, you nimrod! It's the League of Villains! <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': I'd like to see Betty Quinlan do that! <hr width=50%> :'''Cindy''': So, what'll happen to Goobot and the other villains? :'''Jimmy''': I programmed the force field to wear off after a few minutes. I'm guessing the League of Villains will have their hands full for quite a while. ==External links== * {{imdb title|ch0033574|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius}} * [http://www.nick.com/all_nick/tv_supersites/display_show.jhtml?show_id=jim Jimmy Neutron at Nick.com] {{DEFAULTSORT:Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius, The}} [[Category:The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius seasons]] [[Category:Children's television seasons]] dw1yypx2hciujzm64i1wo3hu777k2d2 0 178725 3158048 3155679 2022-08-26T02:04:15Z 67.7.31.110 /* Two Idiots and a Baby */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Drake & Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake & Josh|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Drake & Josh|Drake & Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers. ===Pilot=== :''[first opening comments, introducing Drake Parker and Josh Nichols]'' :'''Drake''': ''[first lines]'' My name's Drake Parker. :'''Josh''': I'm Josh Nichols. :'''Drake''': I should probably be doing my homework. :'''Josh''': I'm just doing a little homework here. :'''Drake''': But it's more fun to do this. ''[plays his guitar]'' :'''Drake and Josh''': Man, I'm thirsty. ''[both take their drinks each]'' :'''Drake''': I live here with my mom and my little sister, Megan. :'''Josh''': I've got a great family, even though it's just me and my dad. I love that guy. :'''Drake''': I love girls. ''[drinks]'' So my mom's been dating this guy. :'''Josh''': So my dad's been dating this woman. She's really great. :'''Drake''': He's okay, but he's got this kid that goes to my school. :'''Josh''': She has a son that goes to my school. Drake. :'''Drake''': Josh. It's not that I have anything against Josh. :'''Josh''': I really don't know Drake all that well. :'''Drake and Josh''': But he seems kinda… :'''Josh''':...Okay. :'''Drake''':...Unusual. :''[the scene cuts to the living room where Drake shudders as he sees Audrey and Walter making out and he blows a whistle, making them scream]'' :'''Audrey''': Drake! :'''Drake''': Hey, mom. Mr. Nichols. :''[Josh bursts into the living room while brandishing a mop]'' :'''Josh''': What happened?! I heard screaming! :'''Walter''': It's alright, son, there's nothing to mop here. :'''Drake''': Josh, wh-what are you doing here, what's he doing here? :'''Josh''': Tell him. :'''Audrey''': Wait, uh, Drake, quick, get your sister. :'''Drake''': ''[yelling]'' Megan! :'''Megan''': ''[referring to her parents; disgusted]'' Ugh, are they done sucking face yet? :'''Audrey''': Kids, Josh's dad and I have been going out for a long time now, and we have some news! :'''Drake''': You got me a dirt bike? :'''Audrey''': No. ''[she and Walter exchange looks]'' :'''Audrey and Walter''': WE'RE GETTING MARRIED! ''[Drake acts like he is having a heart attack in disbelief and shock]'' :'''Drake''': You're getting ma-ma-ma...? :'''Walter''': Yeah, we're gonna be one big old, happy family! :'''Drake''': Wait, wait, you mean, he's going to be my- my stepfather? ''[Walter chuckles and nods as Drake points at Josh]'' And you! ''[Josh nods, smiling]'' You're gonna be my-? H-He's gonna be my...? :'''Josh''': Hug me, brotha'! ''[he hugs Drake, lifting him a bit while Drake screams in dismay]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[the door knocks]'' :'''Tiffany''': Who's that? :'''Josh''': I don't know. ''[door knocks louder]'' Alright, alright, I'm coming. ''[he walks over to open the door and Buck barges the door open on Josh]'' :'''Tiffany''': Buck! :'''Buck''': ''[he grabs Josh by his shirt]'' So, it's true! :'''Josh''': What? That I have a concussion? :'''Buck''': I turn my back for 5 minutes, and you're on a date with... with this clown?! :'''Josh''': Trouble, breathing! :'''Tiffany''': Look, I can date whoever I want. :'''Buck''': Yeah? Well, you can't date a guy with no HEAD! ''[Josh cries]'' You're hamburger meat. You understand me? :'''Josh''': ''[crying]'' But I'm a vegetarian! :'''Buck''': Monday, 3:00, you and me. Have an ambulance ready. ''[shoves Josh against the wall, then leaves]'' :'''Tiffany''': That was so romantic! :'''Drake''': ''[comes out of the kitchen]'' And dessert is here. Josh, I thought you had to pee. :'''Josh''': ''[looks down at his pants]'' Done. <hr width=50%> :'''Josh''': May I…? :'''Drake''': Hug me, brotha! ''[hugs]'' ===Dune Buggy=== :'''Trevor''': I just came to see how the dune buggy's coming. It's looking good. <hr width=50%/> :'''Josh''': You, uh, wanted to chat? :'''Drake''': Why did you make him attack me? :'''Josh''': 'Cause it's about time you stopped getting away with everything! :'''Drake''': What's that supposed to- :'''Josh''': You threw the pillows! You talked me into lying about the TV! You got me grounded! And you took our dune buggy out when you weren't supposed to, and you wrecked it! :'''Drake''': What-what-what're you talking about? :'''Josh''': I got a call from the emergency room! You left your wallet there. :'''Drake''': ''[looks awkwardly]'' Oh. :'''Josh''': Yeah. And I saw the buggy. :'''Drake''': Do mom and dad know? :'''Josh''': They're gonna! :'''Drake''': Don't you do that to me! :'''Josh''': Fine! You tell them. :'''Drake''': Are you crazy? :'''Josh''': No, I'm honest! :'''Drake''': What? :'''Josh''': I'm grounded for two weeks! :'''Drake''': Josh, you know what-? :'''Josh''': We spent like 100 hours on that dune buggy trying to fix it up, and you ruined it! And you're hurt. But all you can think about is, getting away with it. ''[mockingly]'' "Ooh, I'm Drake! I'm so cool, I get away with everything!" Fine. I'll just stay grounded and I'll fix the dune buggy, again, and you just keep worrying about yourself. ''[beat]'' It's what you're best at. :'''Drake''': Oh, yeah?! Well, you're not so-! Ow. <hr width="50%"/> :''[racked with guilt, Drake confesses to Walter and Audrey, and they ground Drake for two weeks, much to Josh's delight]'' :'''Josh''': Pizza's here. :'''Drake''': Thanks. ''[he takes it and opens it up while Josh smiles]'' What are you smiling about? :'''Josh''': The great Drake, grounded for two weeks. I love it! :'''Drake''': Yeah, me, too. :'''Josh''': Heh? :'''Drake''': Two weeks, laying in bed, no school, playing a little guitar, watching a little TV, you bringing me pizzas. Yeah, being grounded is ba-a-ad. :'''Josh''': I- I don't understand-! :'''Drake''': Hold that thought. ''[through his walkie-talkie]'' Hey, Dad, could you bring me a root beer, a couple magazines, and, in about 20 minutes maybe some ice cream? :'''Walter''': ''[through his walkie-talkie]'' Yeah. I'll get Josh right on it. Jo-osh! :'''Josh''': Aw, come on! ===Believe Me, Brother=== :'''Susan''': Josh, it's not unintentional at all. :'''Josh''': I knew it! ''[Susan grabs his face and kisses him; Drake walks in the house]'' :'''Drake''': Susan? :'''Susan''': Ew! Josh, what are you trying to do? I'm Drake's girlfriend! Oh, Drake, you're here. :'''Josh''': Drake, it's not what you think. Just one second. ''[turns around]'' Oh, dear Lord, thank you so much for my very first kiss! Amen! Drake, I swear. It's not what you think. <hr width='50%'/> :'''Susan''': Drake! That's- That's not what it looks like! <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Susan dumps both of them]'' :'''Josh''': I think we handled that very maturely. :'''Drake''': Yes, that felt good. :''[Susan gets shot with a paint cannon on her from her locker]'' :'''Susan''': Ugh! :'''Drake''': That felt better. :'''Josh''': Yeah, it did. ===Two Idiots and a Baby=== :'''Drake''': There! There, there, he's done. Now, all we need is a dia- ''[all screams in disgust as Max pees on them]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Josh is sanding his Catapult while Drake is trying to work on a song]'' :'''Drake''': Josh! I'm working on a song here. Do you have to make all that noise? ''[he unplugs the Sander]'' Dude, I can't concentrate. :'''Josh''': ''[shouting]'' I can't hear you! I'm wearing earplugs! :'''Drake''': Oh. ''[Drake rips the earplugs from Josh's ears, and Josh screams in pain]'' Dude, can't you build your mechanic dork machine somewhere else? :'''Josh''': It's not a dork machine. It's a one of a kind scaled working replica of a Medieval Catapult. :'''Drake''': So? :'''Josh''': ''So,'' when I'm done, this baby's gonna be able to fling stuff over 50 feet through the air. ''[he launches the Catapult]'' :'''Drake''': Impressive. Oh, hey, hey. Why don't you climb in and fling yourself out of my room? :'''Josh''': This is my room. :'''Drake''': It was my room first. :'''Josh''': Alright, let's compromise. We could- ''[Drake strums his guitar a first time]'' I was going to say- ''[Drake strums a second time]'' But I just wanted- ''[Drake strums a third time]'' Headaches! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake comes home from his concert and finds Megan looking at a box in the garage]'' :'''Drake''': Alright. Where is he? :'''Megan''': I think he's dangling from the gutter. :'''Drake''': Not Josh. The baby. :'''Megan''': What makes you think that I would have the baby? :'''Drake''': Because you're a devious, twisted little girl. :'''Megan''': ''[laughs]'' Why thank you, Drake. :'''Drake''': ''[picks Megan up by her shirt]'' Where is the baby? ===First Crush=== :'''Drake and Josh''': And the most important thing is to be yourself. :'''Drake''': ...Unless you're Josh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Do you want to be honest, or do you want a girlfriend? :'''Josh''': Girlfriend, please. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Ah! Snake! ===Grammy=== :'''Scotty''': Can you believe it? We made it backstage. :'''Rina''': This is not backstage! :'''Paul''': This is practically jail. :'''Drake''': Those guys are cops. :'''Rina''': Yes! Scary cops who are going to arrest us for having fake tickets, Scotty! :'''Scotty''': Guys, the tickets are not fake. :'''Drake''': Are you sure? :'''Scotty''': I photocopied them myself. ''[everyone looks upset]'' What? :'''Drake''': You can't photocopy tickets! :'''Scotty''': Yes, you can! You just put them on the glass, close the liddy thingy and press copy. Any moron could do it. :'''Drake''': No, not just any moron. It takes a special moron, like you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grammy''': Your butt itches? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': Why are you so mean to Drake? :'''Grammy''': Because I know his type. I dated 12 musicians like him before I dated your gramps. :'''Josh''': I don't think I want to know about you dating a dozen musical men. :'''Grammy''': Then I won't tell you what happened last Saturday night. :'''Josh''': ''[jokingly]'' Uh-oh, am I going to see you on a commercial for "Grammys Gone Wild?" ==External links== {{wikipedia|Drake & Josh}} [[Category:Children's television seasons]] [[Category:Drake & Josh seasons]] d4p5fgja06ad6wrallqa83gtjtqmro9 0 186362 3157916 3056185 2022-08-25T18:46:10Z A23423413 3125316 adds wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Nina Turner crop light and color corrected.jpg|thumb|Nina Turner]] '''[[w:Nina Turner|Nina Hudson Turner]]''' (born December 7, 1967) is an American educator and politician. A member of the [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic Party]], she was a [[w:Cleveland City Council|Cleveland City Council]] member from 2006 to 2008 and an [[w:Ohio Senate|Ohio State Senator]] from 2008 until 2014. {{political-stub}} == Quotes == * if Manchin and Sinema can push their wheel on the entire U.S. Senate and president, then the progressives almost 100-strong should damn sure be able to push their wheel too. ** [https://www.commondreams.org/nina-turner-interview-transcript 2022 Interview] (2022) * West Virginia is the sixth poorest state in the United States of America and Manchin is pretending like he's helping them. But this is not about the makeup of the state. Look at the polling, even West Virginians agree with a lot of what is both of these bills. This is really about Manchin being bought and sold and choosing the owner-donor class over his constituents. He's not doing the will of the people and neither is Sinema. ** [https://www.commondreams.org/nina-turner-interview-transcript 2022 Interview] (2022) * As a little girl, I would always ask my grandmother what it would take to be successful in life. ... She said all you need are the three bones: the wishbone, the jawbone, and the backbone. The wishbone would keep you hoping and praying because hope is the motivator, but the dream is the driver. The jawbone will give you courage to speak truth to power, lift your voice — it should matter that you’re in the room, that you’re in that space with that voice. The backbone ... will give you courage to stand through all of your trials and tribulations. ** "Nina Turner: Leader of the American Progressive Movement," ''Democracy in Color'', [https://democracyincolor.com/nina-turner-leader-of-the-american-progressive-movement-c822ea458204#.wg5lytrc9 June 30, 2016] * I’m just sick and tired of Republicans across this country talking about smaller government, but they want government to be big enough to fit into a woman’s womb. And so, that “GOP—Get Out of My Panties” T-shirt was a pushback against that kind of stuff. ** [https://www.democracynow.org/2016/2/23/gop_get_out_of_my_panties Interview] with Democracy Now (2016) * We have almost 100 million folks in this nation who are either in poverty or on the brink of being in poverty. Seventy percent of those 100 million are women and children. And for people in the Legislature to be focusing in on Planned Parenthood or to be focusing in on women’s healthcare choices really makes no sense, when what we should be doing is putting people back to work, making sure that we make the requisite investments to educate our children, rebuilding our infrastructure. But yet and still, we have members of the Legislature all across this country who are not only cutting funds to Planned Parenthood, but really are trying to dismantle Roe v. Wade. ** [https://www.democracynow.org/2016/2/23/gop_get_out_of_my_panties Interview] with Democracy Now (2016) * what is it about saying “black male” that causes a frenzy, where people decide they will shoot first and ask questions later? ** [https://www.democracynow.org/2014/12/5/the_killing_of_tamir_rice_cleveland Interview] with Democracy Now (2014) * This is a centuries-old problem, that African Americans, and particularly African-American males, are seen as more criminal. Nowhere in America should a 12-year-old boy be gunned down in the way that he was. ** [https://www.democracynow.org/2014/12/5/the_killing_of_tamir_rice_cleveland Interview] with Democracy Now (2014) ===[https://www.democracynow.org/2016/2/23/nina_turner_on_switching_from_clinton Interview] with Democracy Now (2016)=== * in 2014, I was asked to help ready for Hillary, and that’s exactly what I did. But when it came time to endorse, I have endorsed Senator Bernie Sanders. He has the type of heart-soul agreement that I believe that we need in this country. He has been a constant champion for civil rights, women’s rights, voting rights. His plan to make sure that we have universal healthcare in this nation, as a right and not a privilege, really speaks to me... directing our public will towards making sure that we change the model in this country to a pre-K-to-college model, that speaks to me, especially because I am a first-generation college graduate and I understand, from a personal perspective, the power of higher education to help somebody change the trajectory of their life. * It makes no sense that the voices of everyday people, like you, me, your viewers and listeners, are being drowned out by money. * folks don’t have a problem with us investing our money to help the wealthiest people in this country—corporate welfare, if you will—but folks seem to have a problem with us investing our money in the working poor and middle class in this country. * If we can go to the moon, we can find a way to have universal healthcare as a right in this country. * We cannot go from President Obama’s “Yes, we can” to “No, we can’t." == External links == {{wikipedia}} *[https://twitter.com/ninaturner Twitter page] {{DEFAULTSORT:Turner, Nina}} [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:People from Ohio]] [[Category:Democratic Party (United States) politicians]] k6yqrj1c8q0zl11dcbwrl7knj7nhfdz 3157917 3157916 2022-08-25T18:46:31Z A23423413 3125316 /* Interview with Democracy Now (2016) */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Nina Turner crop light and color corrected.jpg|thumb|Nina Turner]] '''[[w:Nina Turner|Nina Hudson Turner]]''' (born December 7, 1967) is an American educator and politician. A member of the [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic Party]], she was a [[w:Cleveland City Council|Cleveland City Council]] member from 2006 to 2008 and an [[w:Ohio Senate|Ohio State Senator]] from 2008 until 2014. {{political-stub}} == Quotes == * if Manchin and Sinema can push their wheel on the entire U.S. Senate and president, then the progressives almost 100-strong should damn sure be able to push their wheel too. ** [https://www.commondreams.org/nina-turner-interview-transcript 2022 Interview] (2022) * West Virginia is the sixth poorest state in the United States of America and Manchin is pretending like he's helping them. But this is not about the makeup of the state. Look at the polling, even West Virginians agree with a lot of what is both of these bills. This is really about Manchin being bought and sold and choosing the owner-donor class over his constituents. He's not doing the will of the people and neither is Sinema. ** [https://www.commondreams.org/nina-turner-interview-transcript 2022 Interview] (2022) * As a little girl, I would always ask my grandmother what it would take to be successful in life. ... She said all you need are the three bones: the wishbone, the jawbone, and the backbone. The wishbone would keep you hoping and praying because hope is the motivator, but the dream is the driver. The jawbone will give you courage to speak truth to power, lift your voice — it should matter that you’re in the room, that you’re in that space with that voice. The backbone ... will give you courage to stand through all of your trials and tribulations. ** "Nina Turner: Leader of the American Progressive Movement," ''Democracy in Color'', [https://democracyincolor.com/nina-turner-leader-of-the-american-progressive-movement-c822ea458204#.wg5lytrc9 June 30, 2016] * I’m just sick and tired of Republicans across this country talking about smaller government, but they want government to be big enough to fit into a woman’s womb. And so, that “GOP—Get Out of My Panties” T-shirt was a pushback against that kind of stuff. ** [https://www.democracynow.org/2016/2/23/gop_get_out_of_my_panties Interview] with Democracy Now (2016) * We have almost 100 million folks in this nation who are either in poverty or on the brink of being in poverty. Seventy percent of those 100 million are women and children. And for people in the Legislature to be focusing in on Planned Parenthood or to be focusing in on women’s healthcare choices really makes no sense, when what we should be doing is putting people back to work, making sure that we make the requisite investments to educate our children, rebuilding our infrastructure. But yet and still, we have members of the Legislature all across this country who are not only cutting funds to Planned Parenthood, but really are trying to dismantle Roe v. Wade. ** [https://www.democracynow.org/2016/2/23/gop_get_out_of_my_panties Interview] with Democracy Now (2016) * what is it about saying “black male” that causes a frenzy, where people decide they will shoot first and ask questions later? ** [https://www.democracynow.org/2014/12/5/the_killing_of_tamir_rice_cleveland Interview] with Democracy Now (2014) * This is a centuries-old problem, that African Americans, and particularly African-American males, are seen as more criminal. Nowhere in America should a 12-year-old boy be gunned down in the way that he was. ** [https://www.democracynow.org/2014/12/5/the_killing_of_tamir_rice_cleveland Interview] with Democracy Now (2014) ===[https://www.democracynow.org/2016/2/23/nina_turner_on_switching_from_clinton Interview] with Democracy Now (2016)=== * in 2014, I was asked to help ready for Hillary, and that’s exactly what I did. But when it came time to endorse, I have endorsed Senator [[Bernie Sanders]]. He has the type of heart-soul agreement that I believe that we need in this country. He has been a constant champion for civil rights, women’s rights, voting rights. His plan to make sure that we have universal healthcare in this nation, as a right and not a privilege, really speaks to me... directing our public will towards making sure that we change the model in this country to a pre-K-to-college model, that speaks to me, especially because I am a first-generation college graduate and I understand, from a personal perspective, the power of higher education to help somebody change the trajectory of their life. * It makes no sense that the voices of everyday people, like you, me, your viewers and listeners, are being drowned out by money. * folks don’t have a problem with us investing our money to help the wealthiest people in this country—corporate welfare, if you will—but folks seem to have a problem with us investing our money in the working poor and middle class in this country. * If we can go to the moon, we can find a way to have universal healthcare as a right in this country. * We cannot go from President Obama’s “Yes, we can” to “No, we can’t." == External links == {{wikipedia}} *[https://twitter.com/ninaturner Twitter page] {{DEFAULTSORT:Turner, Nina}} [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:People from Ohio]] [[Category:Democratic Party (United States) politicians]] 40ry88n0ftz0rby96shbtuj0xhum3g6 3157921 3157917 2022-08-25T19:08:41Z A23423413 3125316 adds wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Nina Turner crop light and color corrected.jpg|thumb|Nina Turner]] '''[[w:Nina Turner|Nina Hudson Turner]]''' (born December 7, 1967) is an American educator and politician. A member of the [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic Party]], she was a [[w:Cleveland City Council|Cleveland City Council]] member from 2006 to 2008 and an [[w:Ohio Senate|Ohio State Senator]] from 2008 until 2014. {{political-stub}} == Quotes == * if Manchin and Sinema can push their wheel on the entire U.S. Senate and president, then the progressives almost 100-strong should damn sure be able to push their wheel too. ** [https://www.commondreams.org/nina-turner-interview-transcript 2022 Interview] (2022) * West Virginia is the sixth poorest state in the United States of America and Manchin is pretending like he's helping them. But this is not about the makeup of the state. Look at the polling, even West Virginians agree with a lot of what is both of these bills. This is really about Manchin being bought and sold and choosing the owner-donor class over his constituents. He's not doing the will of the people and neither is Sinema. ** [https://www.commondreams.org/nina-turner-interview-transcript 2022 Interview] (2022) * As a little girl, I would always ask my grandmother what it would take to be successful in life. ... She said all you need are the three bones: the wishbone, the jawbone, and the backbone. The wishbone would keep you hoping and praying because hope is the motivator, but the dream is the driver. The jawbone will give you courage to speak truth to power, lift your voice — it should matter that you’re in the room, that you’re in that space with that voice. The backbone ... will give you courage to stand through all of your trials and tribulations. ** "Nina Turner: Leader of the American Progressive Movement," ''Democracy in Color'', [https://democracyincolor.com/nina-turner-leader-of-the-american-progressive-movement-c822ea458204#.wg5lytrc9 June 30, 2016] * I’m just sick and tired of Republicans across this country talking about smaller government, but they want government to be big enough to fit into a woman’s womb. And so, that “GOP—Get Out of My Panties” T-shirt was a pushback against that kind of stuff. ** [https://www.democracynow.org/2016/2/23/gop_get_out_of_my_panties Interview] with Democracy Now (2016) * We have almost 100 million folks in this nation who are either in poverty or on the brink of being in poverty. Seventy percent of those 100 million are women and children. And for people in the Legislature to be focusing in on Planned Parenthood or to be focusing in on women’s healthcare choices really makes no sense, when what we should be doing is putting people back to work, making sure that we make the requisite investments to educate our children, rebuilding our infrastructure. But yet and still, we have members of the Legislature all across this country who are not only cutting funds to Planned Parenthood, but really are trying to dismantle Roe v. Wade. ** [https://www.democracynow.org/2016/2/23/gop_get_out_of_my_panties Interview] with Democracy Now (2016) * what is it about saying “black male” that causes a frenzy, where people decide they will shoot first and ask questions later? ** [https://www.democracynow.org/2014/12/5/the_killing_of_tamir_rice_cleveland Interview] with Democracy Now (2014) * This is a centuries-old problem, that African Americans, and particularly African-American males, are seen as more criminal. Nowhere in America should a 12-year-old boy be gunned down in the way that he was. ** [https://www.democracynow.org/2014/12/5/the_killing_of_tamir_rice_cleveland Interview] with Democracy Now (2014) ===https://www.democracynow.org/2022/7/5/highland_park_illinois_parade_shooting_gun Interview] with Democracy Now (2022)=== * These type of mass shootings leaves everybody vulnerable, no matter their age; from an infant to the most seasoned person in this nation is left vulnerable. * We as a nation have not dealt with racism and xenophobia, you know, antisemitism, anti-Blackness. We just have not dealt with it in this country. And the chickens are coming home to roost, certainly starting with the election of President Donald J. Trump, but all of this was happening in the United States of America before that man was elected. So we cannot sit here and say that it is just because he was elected. We have neglected to deal with a violent past and a violent present in the United States of America, wrapped in white supremacy, wrapped in bigotry in all of its forms, wrapped in sexism, and certainly wrapped in anti-Blackness. And until we are willing and able to deal with that, we’re going to continue to have these problems. * the heaviness of the trauma of this moment, between the pandemic, between all of these mass shootings, between inflation and people not being able to afford to live. This a traumatic situation. And this problem calls for big policy pushes, such as having Medicare for All, so people can get the services that they need. ===[https://www.democracynow.org/2022/5/18/nina_turner_democratic_oligarchs_buying_elections Interview] with Democracy Now (2022)=== * the oligarchs — because that’s exactly what they are — when you have cryptocurrency billionaires, oil baronesses, other corporate interests infusing or injecting themselves into these local races, it is a problem, because what they do is they drown out the voices and the will. We don’t truly know what the will of the people would be if these super PACs would not jump in in the way that they do. And they seem to — not seem — they particularly target women of color and, going even deeper than that, Black women. * I don’t bend, that I come from the Congresswoman Shirley Chisholm school of Democrats, and that is unbought and unbossed. * These people are pouring in this kind of money because they want to be able to control the outcomes that happen on the congressional level. This is it, plain and simple. You don’t invest that kind of money without expecting a return...They are investing in corporatist-type Democrats because they want a return on their investment. * elections are being decided in boardrooms instead of ballot boxes. * the agenda that is being put forward by those on my side of this movement — Medicare for All, living wages, making sure people can unionize, protecting voting rights — the overwhelming majority of people believe in it. What is missing is intestinal fortitude on the side of the Democratic Party. The Democratic Party as a whole have to make a decision: Is this the party of the corporatists, or is it going to be the party of the people? So far, it is failing and proven that it is the party of the corporatists. ===[https://www.democracynow.org/2016/2/23/nina_turner_on_switching_from_clinton Interview] with Democracy Now (2016)=== * in 2014, I was asked to help ready for Hillary, and that’s exactly what I did. But when it came time to endorse, I have endorsed Senator [[Bernie Sanders]]. He has the type of heart-soul agreement that I believe that we need in this country. He has been a constant champion for civil rights, women’s rights, voting rights. His plan to make sure that we have universal healthcare in this nation, as a right and not a privilege, really speaks to me... directing our public will towards making sure that we change the model in this country to a pre-K-to-college model, that speaks to me, especially because I am a first-generation college graduate and I understand, from a personal perspective, the power of higher education to help somebody change the trajectory of their life. * It makes no sense that the voices of everyday people, like you, me, your viewers and listeners, are being drowned out by money. * folks don’t have a problem with us investing our money to help the wealthiest people in this country—corporate welfare, if you will—but folks seem to have a problem with us investing our money in the working poor and middle class in this country. * If we can go to the moon, we can find a way to have universal healthcare as a right in this country. * We cannot go from President Obama’s “Yes, we can” to “No, we can’t." == External links == {{wikipedia}} *[https://twitter.com/ninaturner Twitter page] {{DEFAULTSORT:Turner, Nina}} [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:People from Ohio]] [[Category:Democratic Party (United States) politicians]] lg2zzdodk8hn1y7pyhyvxnrchqsiuvs 3157922 3157921 2022-08-25T19:08:52Z A23423413 3125316 /* https://www.democracynow.org/2022/7/5/highland_park_illinois_parade_shooting_gun Interview] with Democracy Now (2022) */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Nina Turner crop light and color corrected.jpg|thumb|Nina Turner]] '''[[w:Nina Turner|Nina Hudson Turner]]''' (born December 7, 1967) is an American educator and politician. A member of the [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic Party]], she was a [[w:Cleveland City Council|Cleveland City Council]] member from 2006 to 2008 and an [[w:Ohio Senate|Ohio State Senator]] from 2008 until 2014. {{political-stub}} == Quotes == * if Manchin and Sinema can push their wheel on the entire U.S. Senate and president, then the progressives almost 100-strong should damn sure be able to push their wheel too. ** [https://www.commondreams.org/nina-turner-interview-transcript 2022 Interview] (2022) * West Virginia is the sixth poorest state in the United States of America and Manchin is pretending like he's helping them. But this is not about the makeup of the state. Look at the polling, even West Virginians agree with a lot of what is both of these bills. This is really about Manchin being bought and sold and choosing the owner-donor class over his constituents. He's not doing the will of the people and neither is Sinema. ** [https://www.commondreams.org/nina-turner-interview-transcript 2022 Interview] (2022) * As a little girl, I would always ask my grandmother what it would take to be successful in life. ... She said all you need are the three bones: the wishbone, the jawbone, and the backbone. The wishbone would keep you hoping and praying because hope is the motivator, but the dream is the driver. The jawbone will give you courage to speak truth to power, lift your voice — it should matter that you’re in the room, that you’re in that space with that voice. The backbone ... will give you courage to stand through all of your trials and tribulations. ** "Nina Turner: Leader of the American Progressive Movement," ''Democracy in Color'', [https://democracyincolor.com/nina-turner-leader-of-the-american-progressive-movement-c822ea458204#.wg5lytrc9 June 30, 2016] * I’m just sick and tired of Republicans across this country talking about smaller government, but they want government to be big enough to fit into a woman’s womb. And so, that “GOP—Get Out of My Panties” T-shirt was a pushback against that kind of stuff. ** [https://www.democracynow.org/2016/2/23/gop_get_out_of_my_panties Interview] with Democracy Now (2016) * We have almost 100 million folks in this nation who are either in poverty or on the brink of being in poverty. Seventy percent of those 100 million are women and children. And for people in the Legislature to be focusing in on Planned Parenthood or to be focusing in on women’s healthcare choices really makes no sense, when what we should be doing is putting people back to work, making sure that we make the requisite investments to educate our children, rebuilding our infrastructure. But yet and still, we have members of the Legislature all across this country who are not only cutting funds to Planned Parenthood, but really are trying to dismantle Roe v. Wade. ** [https://www.democracynow.org/2016/2/23/gop_get_out_of_my_panties Interview] with Democracy Now (2016) * what is it about saying “black male” that causes a frenzy, where people decide they will shoot first and ask questions later? ** [https://www.democracynow.org/2014/12/5/the_killing_of_tamir_rice_cleveland Interview] with Democracy Now (2014) * This is a centuries-old problem, that African Americans, and particularly African-American males, are seen as more criminal. Nowhere in America should a 12-year-old boy be gunned down in the way that he was. ** [https://www.democracynow.org/2014/12/5/the_killing_of_tamir_rice_cleveland Interview] with Democracy Now (2014) ===[https://www.democracynow.org/2022/7/5/highland_park_illinois_parade_shooting_gun Interview] with Democracy Now (2022)=== * These type of mass shootings leaves everybody vulnerable, no matter their age; from an infant to the most seasoned person in this nation is left vulnerable. * We as a nation have not dealt with racism and xenophobia, you know, antisemitism, anti-Blackness. We just have not dealt with it in this country. And the chickens are coming home to roost, certainly starting with the election of President Donald J. Trump, but all of this was happening in the United States of America before that man was elected. So we cannot sit here and say that it is just because he was elected. We have neglected to deal with a violent past and a violent present in the United States of America, wrapped in white supremacy, wrapped in bigotry in all of its forms, wrapped in sexism, and certainly wrapped in anti-Blackness. And until we are willing and able to deal with that, we’re going to continue to have these problems. * the heaviness of the trauma of this moment, between the pandemic, between all of these mass shootings, between inflation and people not being able to afford to live. This a traumatic situation. And this problem calls for big policy pushes, such as having Medicare for All, so people can get the services that they need. ===[https://www.democracynow.org/2022/5/18/nina_turner_democratic_oligarchs_buying_elections Interview] with Democracy Now (2022)=== * the oligarchs — because that’s exactly what they are — when you have cryptocurrency billionaires, oil baronesses, other corporate interests infusing or injecting themselves into these local races, it is a problem, because what they do is they drown out the voices and the will. We don’t truly know what the will of the people would be if these super PACs would not jump in in the way that they do. And they seem to — not seem — they particularly target women of color and, going even deeper than that, Black women. * I don’t bend, that I come from the Congresswoman Shirley Chisholm school of Democrats, and that is unbought and unbossed. * These people are pouring in this kind of money because they want to be able to control the outcomes that happen on the congressional level. This is it, plain and simple. You don’t invest that kind of money without expecting a return...They are investing in corporatist-type Democrats because they want a return on their investment. * elections are being decided in boardrooms instead of ballot boxes. * the agenda that is being put forward by those on my side of this movement — Medicare for All, living wages, making sure people can unionize, protecting voting rights — the overwhelming majority of people believe in it. What is missing is intestinal fortitude on the side of the Democratic Party. The Democratic Party as a whole have to make a decision: Is this the party of the corporatists, or is it going to be the party of the people? So far, it is failing and proven that it is the party of the corporatists. ===[https://www.democracynow.org/2016/2/23/nina_turner_on_switching_from_clinton Interview] with Democracy Now (2016)=== * in 2014, I was asked to help ready for Hillary, and that’s exactly what I did. But when it came time to endorse, I have endorsed Senator [[Bernie Sanders]]. He has the type of heart-soul agreement that I believe that we need in this country. He has been a constant champion for civil rights, women’s rights, voting rights. His plan to make sure that we have universal healthcare in this nation, as a right and not a privilege, really speaks to me... directing our public will towards making sure that we change the model in this country to a pre-K-to-college model, that speaks to me, especially because I am a first-generation college graduate and I understand, from a personal perspective, the power of higher education to help somebody change the trajectory of their life. * It makes no sense that the voices of everyday people, like you, me, your viewers and listeners, are being drowned out by money. * folks don’t have a problem with us investing our money to help the wealthiest people in this country—corporate welfare, if you will—but folks seem to have a problem with us investing our money in the working poor and middle class in this country. * If we can go to the moon, we can find a way to have universal healthcare as a right in this country. * We cannot go from President Obama’s “Yes, we can” to “No, we can’t." == External links == {{wikipedia}} *[https://twitter.com/ninaturner Twitter page] {{DEFAULTSORT:Turner, Nina}} [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:People from Ohio]] [[Category:Democratic Party (United States) politicians]] 7paxw2x4lj0e7n4k9roj3asutkisbye 0 190491 3158013 3106166 2022-08-25T23:59:13Z 2806:1000:8102:E654:A119:F192:376E:7A9B wikitext text/x-wiki '''George Robert Terry''' (1909 – 1979) was an American [[management author]], Professor of Business at {{w|Ball State University}}, and 14th president of the {{w|Academy of Management}}. He is noted for his early work on [[management]], and for writing one of the the first books, entitled ''Principles of Management''(1953). His book was followed Harold Koontz & Cyril O'Donnell's 1955 text (McGraw-Hill) of the same name.Fue un gran importador en la adiministracion {{businesspeople-stub}} == Quotes == === ''Principles of Management,'' 1953 === George R. Terry, ''Principles of Management,'' R.D. Irwin, 1953, 1960; 1968; 1971; 7th edition 1977; 8th Edition with Stephen G. Franklin, 1994. * [[Management]] is a distinct process consisting of planning, organizing, actuating and controlling, performed to determine and accomplish the objectives by the use of people and resources. ** p. 4 (6th ed. 1971) * Management is not people, it is an activity like walking, reading, swimming or running. People who perform management can be designated as managers members of management, or executive leaders. : In addition, management is a distinct activity. It can be studied, knowledge about it obtained, and skill in its application acquired. :* p. 6 (6th ed. 1971) * Linking the basic parts are communication, balance or system parts maintained in harmonious relationship with each other and decision making. The [[system theory]] include both man-machine and interpersonal relationships. Goals, man, machine, method, and process are woven together into a dynamic unity which reacts... ** p. 284 (6th ed. 1971) * In brief, one can view organizing essentially as either an economic, behavioral, adaptive, mathematical, or decisional entity. In the aggregate most of these theories are concerned with structure, behavior, and strategy under conditions of change and complexity brought about by technology, environment, and human behavior. ** p. 314 (6th ed. 1971) * [[Management]] is a distinct process consisting of planning, organising, actuating and controlling; utilising in each both science and art, and followed in order to accomplish pre-determined objectives. ** As cited in: S.P. Singh (2003), ''Planning And Management For Rural Development,'' p. 8 * [[Management]] is the activity which plans, organizes, and controls the operations of the basic elements of men, materials, machines, methods, money, and markets, providing direction and coordination, and giving leadership to human efforts, so as to achieve the thought objectives of the enterprise. ** As cited in Wren & Bedeian (1972;411) == Quotes about George R. Terry == * George R. Terry (1909–1979) was the first to call his book ''Principles of Management''... Terry’s elements included planning, organizing, directing, coordinating, controlling, and leading human efforts. Later, Terry combined the functions of directing and leading human efforts into an ‘‘actuating’’ function and stopped treating coordinating as a separate function. Terry defined a principle as ‘‘a fundamental statement providing a guide to action,’’ and his principles, like Fayol’s, were lighthouses to knowledge and not laws in a scientific sense. ** [[Daniel A. Wren]] & [[Arthur G. Bedeian]] (1972). ''The evolution of management thought.'' 6th ed. 2009. p. 411 * George R. Terry served as a lecturer in finance and management at the College of Business at Ball State University from 1969 to his death in 1979. Terry was awarded the first George A. Ball Distinguished Professor of Business at Ball State University in 1969. Prior to his career at Ball State, Terry was the director of research for Foote, Cone, and Belding Inc., Chicago, and was president of the American Products Company. Additionally, Terry was a lecturer in the Northwestern University School of Business Administration for 25 years. ** Ball State University, ''[http://www.bsu.edu/libraries/archives/findingaids/RG-04-01-11.pdf George R. Terry papers],'' Ball State University Archives and Special Collections, RG.04.01.11 Meaning and definition of leadership according to George R. terry "leadership is the activity of influencing people to strive willingly for mutual objectives. == External links == * [http://aom.org/About-AOM/Presidents-Archive/George-R--Terry,-President-(1961).aspx George R. Terry, President (1961)] - Academy of Management {{Authority control|VIAF=55438558}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Terry, George R.}} [[Category:1909 births]] [[Category:1979 deaths]] [[Category:Academics from the United States]] [[Category:Businesspeople from the United States]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] mtsh1lpjc1sbvgnnss3owgzt4h3fw61 0 195748 3158071 3121184 2022-08-26T05:00:42Z BD2412 3982 BD2412 moved page [[Study Series]] to [[Maria V. Snyder.]]: Per outcome of VfD. wikitext text/x-wiki {{vfd-new}} It is the first Serie of the '''Chronicles of Ixia''' that introduces the reader to Yelena, a young woman who committed the murder of General Brazell only son, she stays for almost two years in the dungeon until she is taken to Valek, Commander Ambrose's Chief of Security , To dictate her execution, but he give her an option, she will became the new food tester of the Commander, where the training can be lethal and she can die in the next bite. All quotes of Study Series. == Poison Study == *“Locked in darkness that surrounded me like a coffin, I had nothing to distract me from my memories.” *“I am not a fool.” *“To Yelena, our newest food taster. May you last longer than your predecessor.” *“His movements were so graceful that I wondered if he had been a dancer, but his words betrayed to me that his fluid gestures were those of a trained killer.” *“I did what any good rat would do. I bit down on the guard's hand until I tasted blood.” *“It's a dirty way to fight, but I'm late for lunch." *“You're easily distracted by the pattern of the cloth and can't see the quality of the threads.” *“Poisoned, pursued and living with a psychopath. Not what I would consider the good life. Death has its perks.” *“Only the weak invite their demons to live with them. Isn't that right?” *“Everyone makes choices in life. Some bad, some good. It's called living, and if you want to bow out, then go right ahead. But don't do it halfway. Don't linger in whiner's limbo.” *“When you warned me that you would test me from time to time, I thought you meant spiking my food. But it seems there is more than one way to poison a person’s heart, and it doesn’t even require a meal.” *“Trusting is hard. Knowing who to trust, even harder.” *“Besides, thinking kind thoughts about Valek could be extremely dangerous. I could admire his skills, and be relieved when he was on my side in a fight. But for a rat to like the cat? That scenario ended only one way. With one dead rat.” *“I balled my hands into tight fists to keep them from wrapping around Mr. I-Know-Everything's superior neck.” *“Knowledge, whatever the form, could be as effective as a weapon.” *“I hate a mystery. I would have let the identity of the Commander’s successor remain a secret, as I have for fifteen years, but tonight’s opportunity was too tempting. With eight drunken Generals sleeping it off, I could have danced on their beds without waking them." *“They actually think I would abandon the Commander. they have no concept of loyalty.” *“Sieges weathered, fight together, friends forever.” *“The uniform enhanced his athletic body, and my thoughts drifted to how magnificent he would look with his uniform puddled around his feet.” *“One, and two, and three, four, five. Keep fighting like this and you will die," Janco sang.” *“I didn’t want or expect this. But I couldn’t resist you.” *“But for a rat to like the cat? That scenario ended only one way. With one dead rat.” *“When I carved this statue, I was thinking about you. Delicate in appearance, but with a strength unnoticed at first glance.” His eyes met mine.” *“I peered deeper and found my soul. A little tattered and with some holes, but there all the same. It had always been there, I realized with shock.” *“I understood that Valek’s loyalty to the Commander was without question. His blue eyes held a fierce determination and I knew in my soul that Valek would take his own life after he had taken mine.” *“Two men. I had just killed two men. A killing machine, I hadn't even hesitated. Fear and rage settled deep in my chest, forming a layer of ice around my heart.” *“But you've slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart.” —— “Anyway, the odds were against you. Most lost big, while only a few—” Rand paused dramatically “—won big.” “Since you’re here, I suppose you won big.” He smiled. “Yelena, I’m always going to bet on you. You’re like one of the Commander’s terriers. A tiny, yappy dog you wouldn’t look at twice, but once it grabs your pant leg, it won’t let go.” “Poison the dog’s meat and it won’t bother you anymore.” —— “I didn't expect a knife, though. Is it the one missing from the kitchen?" "Did Rand report it?" I felt betrayed. Why hadn't he just asked for it back? "No. It just makes sense to keep track of large kitchen knives, so when one goes missing you're not surprised when someone attacks you with it. —— “What have I earned from you, Valek? Loyalty? Respect? Trust?" "You have my attention. But give me what I want, and you can have everything.” —— “Yelena.” I halted in the doorway, looking back over my shoulder. “You once said I wasn’t ready to believe your reason for killing Reyad. I’ll believe you now.” “But I’m not ready to tell you,” I said and left the room.”  —— “There’s an arrest warrant out for her. Did you even consider taking her to the Commander?” “No.” “Why not?” Valek didn’t try to hide his disbelief. “Killing isn’t the only solution to a problem. Or has that been yourformula?” “ My formula! Excuse me, Mr. Assassin, while I laugh as I remember my history lessons on how to deal with a tyrannical monarch by killing him and his family.” Valek flashed me a dangerous look.” —— “Yelena, you've driven me crazy. You've caused me considerable trouble and I've contemplated ending your life twice since I've known you." Valek's warm breath in my ear sent a shiver down my spine. "But you’ve slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart.” “That sounds more like a poison than a person,” was all I could say. His confession had both shocked and thrilled me. “Exactly,” Valek replied. “You have poisoned me.” —— “An execution order hasn’t kept us apart before. There are ways to get around it. We will be together.” “Is that an order?” “No, a promise.” —— “Back so soon?" he asked. "Too bad. I was just about to organize a search for your dead body. What happened when you knocked on the southerner magician's door to sacrifice yourself? Did they kick you out, thinking you too half-witted to waste their time on?” —— “Well, Valek, any new promotions?” the Commander asked “No. But Maren shows promise. Unfortunately she doesn’t want to be in my corps or even be my second.She just wants to beat me.” Valek grinned, delighted by the challenge. “And can she?” the Commander inquired. His eyebrows rose. “With time and the proper training. She’s deadly with her bow; it’s just her tactics that need work.” “Then what do we do with her?” “Promote her to General and retire some of those old wind-bags. We could use some fresh blood in the upper ranks.” “Valek, you never had a good grasp of military structure.” “Then promote her to First Lieutenant today, Captain tomorrow, Major the next day, Colonel the day after, and General the day after that.” “I’ll take it under advisement.” —— “It’s your fault. I was defending you!” I blurted. He paused. “In protecting my honor, you exposed months of work. I should be flattered?” —— == Magic Study == * “I took three steps and was wrapped in his arms, where I belonged. No confusion here. No worries here. No troubles here.”  * “Many have tried to kill us. All have failed. * “When I carved this, my thoughts were on you, love. Your life is like this snake's coils. No matter how many turns it makes, you'll end up back where you belong. With me.”  * “I’ll have you know that the most delicate flowers often produce the strongest scent when crushed.”  * “Her amber eyes burned into mine with all the hate and loathing she could muster. Underneath, though, she was terrified. Hate and loathing didn't bother me, but fear was a powerful emotion. Fear causes the dog to bite and Roze was one bitch.”  * “Don't feel ashamed for having those feelings and those memories. What happened in the past can't be changed, but they can be a guide for what happens in the future.”  * “Bad dreams are ghosts of our fears and worries, haunting us while we sleep. I doubt Valek is in trouble.”  * “Trust, Kiki said, Trust is peppermints.” * “I gave him a bored look. I had been threatened many times before and had learned that the men who didn’t make verbal threats were the most dangerous.”  * “Your fear remains strong. You are not ready to face your story, preferring instead to surround yourself with knots. Someday, they will strangle you.”  * “Pretty stupid,” I called after his retreating form. “To give up before all possible solutions have been tried.” * “I wanted to dissolve into the floor, mixing myself with the hard stone. A stone had a single purpose: to be. No complicated promises, no worries and no feelings.”  * “Should haves lead to death”  * “Unfortunately, diplomacy was a dance I needed to learn.” —— “In the end, only Leif believed that you were still alive. He thought you might be hiding somewhere, playing a game. As the rest of us grieved, Leif searched the jungle for you day after day.” “When did he finally stop?” I asked. “Yesterday.”  —— “Living is a risk,' I snapped at him. 'Every decision, every interaction, every step, every time you get out of bed in the morning, you take a risk. To survive is to know you're taking that risk and to not get out of bed clutching illusions of safety.”  —— “He made a weak attempt to look innocent, but I knew better. 'Should I guess how many concealed weapons you have or should I strip search you?' 'A strip search is the only way to be absolutely certain.' Valek's deep blue eyes danced with delight.”  —— “Why did Mother ask you to help me rescue Gelsi?" I asked Leif. "She thought I could assist you in some way. Instead, I had tried to-" "Kill me? You can join the 'I Want to Kill Yelena Guild.' I hear they have six members in good standing. Valek is president since he had wanted to kill me twice." —— “Another relative?" Valek asked. A broad smile stretched Moon Man's lips. "Yes. I am her mother's uncle's wife's third cousin." --Valek and Moon Man”  —— “Your mother sounds like a formidable woman," Valek said into the silence. "You have no idea," Leif replied with a sigh. "Well, if she's anything like Yelena, my deepest sympathies," Valek teased. "Hey!" Leif laughed and the tense moment dissipated. Valek handed Leif his machete. "Do you know how to use it?" "Of course. I chopped Yelena's bow into firewood," Leif joked.”  —— “Don't worry. I'm only your escort tonight. I would offer to protect you from the drunken attentions of the other men, but I know all to well that you're quite capagble of holding your own. You're probably armed. Right?" Always.”  —— “Pushing magic toward the candle, I willed it to light. Nothing happened. Irys made a strangled sound and the candle burned. “Are you directing your magic to the candle?” “Yes. Why?” “You just ordered me to light the candle for you,” Irys said in exasperation. “And I did it.”  —— “I'd wish you luck, but I don't think it would help.' 'Why not?' 'My lady, you make your own luck.” —— “How did you—” “Fool your guards? They’re not very good. They forgot to check the ceiling for spiders.” Valek grinned. His angular face softened. Startled, I realized he wasn’t in disguise. “This is dangerous.” “I knew falling for you was dangerous, love.”  —— “A little present from my run-in with a sword. Or should I say from when the sword had a run-in with me?” His eyes lit up. “Want to see the scar? It’s cool.” He started pulling his shirt out of his pants. “Janco,” Ari warned. “We’re not supposed to be fraternizing with the Sitians.” “But she’s not Sitian. Right, Yelena? You haven’t gone south on us, have you?” Janco’s voice held mock horror. “Because if you have I can’t give you your present.” I took my switchblade out, showing the inscription to Janco. “What about ‘Sieges weathered, fight together, friends forever’? Does that change if I become an official southerner?” Janco rubbed the hair on his chin, considering.  “No,” Ari said. “You could change into a goat and it would still apply.”  —— “You look like hell,' he said to me in a low voice. 'Gee, Dax, don’t coat it with honey. Tell me what you really think,' I said.”  —— “If you don’t come back to the Keep, then I’ll be right. And every time you see me, I’ll be insufferably smug.” “And how’s that different from now?” He laughed and I could see the young carefree boy he had been in his eyes. “You’ve only had a small glimpse of how insufferable and annoying I can be. As the older brother, it’s my birthright.”  —— “He pulled my arm out to expose my bracelet. "When I carved this, my thoughts were on you, love. Your life is like this snake's coils. No matter how many turns it makes, you'll end up back where you belong. With me." His sapphire eyes held a promise. ” —— “Do you really want to know why you lost?” I asked. “Do you really have an answer?” he countered. “You need to get off your horse and run with your men. You don’t have the stamina for a long fight. And find a lighter sword.” “But it was my uncle’s.” “You’re not your uncle.” “But I’m the King, and this is the King’s sword,” Cahil said. His brows creased together. He seemed confused. “So wear it to your coronation,” I said. “If you use it in battle, you’ll be wearing it to your funeral,” I said.”  —— “In keeping with his cryptic nature, all your Story Weaver said was 'The horses know where to go.' It's certainly not a military strategy I would use, but I've learned that the south uses its own strategy. And, strangely enough, it works.”  —— == Fire Study == * “There's always another storm. It's the way the world works. Snowstorms, rainstorms, windstorms, sandstorms, and firestorms. Some are fierce and others are small. You have to deal with each one separately, but you need to keep an eye on whats brewing for tomorrow.”  * “Nothing like having a warrant for your execution to get a girl motivated.”  * “You asked how I can be so calm. I don't have time not to be. I would like to grieve and worry and carry on, but that doesn't achieve results.”  * “You should know what happens when you play with fire, Cahill. Eventually, you'll get burned.”  * “It's the problem with mistakes, they tend to linger.”  * “He was the test I hadn’t studied for, the quiz I was bound to fail. Out of my depth.”  —— “The others had taken Valek's return in stride, although Janco made a comment about Valek's lack of hair. 'You ever notice how couples start to look alike?' he asked.  In a deadpan, Valek replied, 'Yes. In fact I was just thinking how much you and Topaz resemble each other. It's uncanny.”  —— “Did you live here?" Leif asked. I nodded. "For two years"."Where did you stay?" "I had a room in Valek's suite." Leif shot me an incredulous look. "Boy, you worked fast.”  —— “In the war room, love? What if someone comes in?” I stood and removed his shirt. “Then they’ll have a good story to tell.” “Good?” He adopted the pretense of being offended. “Prove me wrong.”  —— “Lief. That's not nice, considering all your sister has done for you," admonished Perl. "Oh right. How could I forget that she made me bait for a snake, left me on house arrest in Ixia, and smuggled me into the Keep in a coffin.”  —— “I had hoped to hear everyone discussing how much they missed my altruistic qualities, my legendary skills as a fighter and as a lover." He leered. "Instead, you're making plans for tomorrow. Interesting how life goes on in spite of itself.”  —— “I had hoped to hear everyone discussing how much they missed my altruistic qualities, my legendary skills as a fighter and as a lover." He leered. "Instead, you're making plans for tomorrow. Interesting how life goes on in spite of itself.”  —— “When I failed to move, Valek pushed me off the mat and curled in my place under the covers. “Ahh. Still warm.” “You’re evil,” I said, but he feigned sleep.” —— “Getting killed would have been easier. No guilt. No worries. No fear. Caring for someone is terrible and wonderful. I don't know if I have the strength to do it for another. How do you deal with it?" "I focus on the wonderful parts and suffer through the terrible parts, knowing it will end eventually.”  —— “You said I was afraid to come back to the Keep. Well—” I spread my arms wide, flinging drops of water onto Leif’s green tunic “—here I am.” “You are here. I’ll grant you that. But are you unafraid?” “I already have a mother and a Story Weaver. Your job is to be the annoying older brother. Stick to what you know.” “Ohhh. I’ve hit a nerve.”  —— “It can’t be good news,” Leif said. “I’d doubt you would brave the weather just to say hello.” “You opened the door before I could knock,” I said. “You must know something’s up.” Leif wiped the rain from his face. “I smelled you coming.” “Smelled?” “You reek of Lavender. Do you bathe in Mother’s perfume or just wash your cloak with it?” he teased. “How mundane. I was thinking of something a little more magical.”  —— “THAT’S PATHETIC, YELENA,” Dax complained. “An all-powerful Soulfinder who isn’t all-powerful. Where’s the fun in that?” He threw up his long thin arms in mock frustration. “Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not the one who attached the ‘all-powerful’ to the title.”  —— g8qhbsdq85k6e0bwi89dh9f9fu5g1vh 3158073 3158071 2022-08-26T05:02:07Z BD2412 3982 moved per VfD wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Maria V. Snyder|Maria V. Snyder]]''' is an American author of the ''Study Series'' book series. It is the first Serie of the '''Chronicles of Ixia''' that introduces the reader to Yelena, a young woman who committed the murder of General Brazell only son, she stays for almost two years in the dungeon until she is taken to Valek, Commander Ambrose's Chief of Security, to dictate her execution, but he give her an option, she will became the new food tester of the Commander, where the training can be lethal and she can die in the next bite. ==Quotes== === Poison Study === *“Locked in darkness that surrounded me like a coffin, I had nothing to distract me from my memories.” *“I am not a fool.” *“To Yelena, our newest food taster. May you last longer than your predecessor.” *“His movements were so graceful that I wondered if he had been a dancer, but his words betrayed to me that his fluid gestures were those of a trained killer.” *“I did what any good rat would do. I bit down on the guard's hand until I tasted blood.” *“It's a dirty way to fight, but I'm late for lunch." *“You're easily distracted by the pattern of the cloth and can't see the quality of the threads.” *“Poisoned, pursued and living with a psychopath. Not what I would consider the good life. Death has its perks.” *“Only the weak invite their demons to live with them. Isn't that right?” *“Everyone makes choices in life. Some bad, some good. It's called living, and if you want to bow out, then go right ahead. But don't do it halfway. Don't linger in whiner's limbo.” *“When you warned me that you would test me from time to time, I thought you meant spiking my food. But it seems there is more than one way to poison a person’s heart, and it doesn’t even require a meal.” *“Trusting is hard. Knowing who to trust, even harder.” *“Besides, thinking kind thoughts about Valek could be extremely dangerous. I could admire his skills, and be relieved when he was on my side in a fight. But for a rat to like the cat? That scenario ended only one way. With one dead rat.” *“I balled my hands into tight fists to keep them from wrapping around Mr. I-Know-Everything's superior neck.” *“Knowledge, whatever the form, could be as effective as a weapon.” *“I hate a mystery. I would have let the identity of the Commander’s successor remain a secret, as I have for fifteen years, but tonight’s opportunity was too tempting. With eight drunken Generals sleeping it off, I could have danced on their beds without waking them." *“They actually think I would abandon the Commander. they have no concept of loyalty.” *“Sieges weathered, fight together, friends forever.” *“The uniform enhanced his athletic body, and my thoughts drifted to how magnificent he would look with his uniform puddled around his feet.” *“One, and two, and three, four, five. Keep fighting like this and you will die," Janco sang.” *“I didn’t want or expect this. But I couldn’t resist you.” *“But for a rat to like the cat? That scenario ended only one way. With one dead rat.” *“When I carved this statue, I was thinking about you. Delicate in appearance, but with a strength unnoticed at first glance.” His eyes met mine.” *“I peered deeper and found my soul. A little tattered and with some holes, but there all the same. It had always been there, I realized with shock.” *“I understood that Valek’s loyalty to the Commander was without question. His blue eyes held a fierce determination and I knew in my soul that Valek would take his own life after he had taken mine.” *“Two men. I had just killed two men. A killing machine, I hadn't even hesitated. Fear and rage settled deep in my chest, forming a layer of ice around my heart.” *“But you've slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart.” —— “Anyway, the odds were against you. Most lost big, while only a few—” Rand paused dramatically “—won big.” “Since you’re here, I suppose you won big.” He smiled. “Yelena, I’m always going to bet on you. You’re like one of the Commander’s terriers. A tiny, yappy dog you wouldn’t look at twice, but once it grabs your pant leg, it won’t let go.” “Poison the dog’s meat and it won’t bother you anymore.” —— “I didn't expect a knife, though. Is it the one missing from the kitchen?" "Did Rand report it?" I felt betrayed. Why hadn't he just asked for it back? "No. It just makes sense to keep track of large kitchen knives, so when one goes missing you're not surprised when someone attacks you with it. —— “What have I earned from you, Valek? Loyalty? Respect? Trust?" "You have my attention. But give me what I want, and you can have everything.” —— “Yelena.” I halted in the doorway, looking back over my shoulder. “You once said I wasn’t ready to believe your reason for killing Reyad. I’ll believe you now.” “But I’m not ready to tell you,” I said and left the room.”  —— “There’s an arrest warrant out for her. Did you even consider taking her to the Commander?” “No.” “Why not?” Valek didn’t try to hide his disbelief. “Killing isn’t the only solution to a problem. Or has that been yourformula?” “ My formula! Excuse me, Mr. Assassin, while I laugh as I remember my history lessons on how to deal with a tyrannical monarch by killing him and his family.” Valek flashed me a dangerous look.” —— “Yelena, you've driven me crazy. You've caused me considerable trouble and I've contemplated ending your life twice since I've known you." Valek's warm breath in my ear sent a shiver down my spine. "But you’ve slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart.” “That sounds more like a poison than a person,” was all I could say. His confession had both shocked and thrilled me. “Exactly,” Valek replied. “You have poisoned me.” —— “An execution order hasn’t kept us apart before. There are ways to get around it. We will be together.” “Is that an order?” “No, a promise.” —— “Back so soon?" he asked. "Too bad. I was just about to organize a search for your dead body. What happened when you knocked on the southerner magician's door to sacrifice yourself? Did they kick you out, thinking you too half-witted to waste their time on?” —— “Well, Valek, any new promotions?” the Commander asked “No. But Maren shows promise. Unfortunately she doesn’t want to be in my corps or even be my second.She just wants to beat me.” Valek grinned, delighted by the challenge. “And can she?” the Commander inquired. His eyebrows rose. “With time and the proper training. She’s deadly with her bow; it’s just her tactics that need work.” “Then what do we do with her?” “Promote her to General and retire some of those old wind-bags. We could use some fresh blood in the upper ranks.” “Valek, you never had a good grasp of military structure.” “Then promote her to First Lieutenant today, Captain tomorrow, Major the next day, Colonel the day after, and General the day after that.” “I’ll take it under advisement.” —— “It’s your fault. I was defending you!” I blurted. He paused. “In protecting my honor, you exposed months of work. I should be flattered?” —— == Magic Study == * “I took three steps and was wrapped in his arms, where I belonged. No confusion here. No worries here. No troubles here.”  * “Many have tried to kill us. All have failed. * “When I carved this, my thoughts were on you, love. Your life is like this snake's coils. No matter how many turns it makes, you'll end up back where you belong. With me.”  * “I’ll have you know that the most delicate flowers often produce the strongest scent when crushed.”  * “Her amber eyes burned into mine with all the hate and loathing she could muster. Underneath, though, she was terrified. Hate and loathing didn't bother me, but fear was a powerful emotion. Fear causes the dog to bite and Roze was one bitch.”  * “Don't feel ashamed for having those feelings and those memories. What happened in the past can't be changed, but they can be a guide for what happens in the future.”  * “Bad dreams are ghosts of our fears and worries, haunting us while we sleep. I doubt Valek is in trouble.”  * “Trust, Kiki said, Trust is peppermints.” * “I gave him a bored look. I had been threatened many times before and had learned that the men who didn’t make verbal threats were the most dangerous.”  * “Your fear remains strong. You are not ready to face your story, preferring instead to surround yourself with knots. Someday, they will strangle you.”  * “Pretty stupid,” I called after his retreating form. “To give up before all possible solutions have been tried.” * “I wanted to dissolve into the floor, mixing myself with the hard stone. A stone had a single purpose: to be. No complicated promises, no worries and no feelings.”  * “Should haves lead to death”  * “Unfortunately, diplomacy was a dance I needed to learn.” —— “In the end, only Leif believed that you were still alive. He thought you might be hiding somewhere, playing a game. As the rest of us grieved, Leif searched the jungle for you day after day.” “When did he finally stop?” I asked. “Yesterday.”  —— “Living is a risk,' I snapped at him. 'Every decision, every interaction, every step, every time you get out of bed in the morning, you take a risk. To survive is to know you're taking that risk and to not get out of bed clutching illusions of safety.”  —— “He made a weak attempt to look innocent, but I knew better. 'Should I guess how many concealed weapons you have or should I strip search you?' 'A strip search is the only way to be absolutely certain.' Valek's deep blue eyes danced with delight.”  —— “Why did Mother ask you to help me rescue Gelsi?" I asked Leif. "She thought I could assist you in some way. Instead, I had tried to-" "Kill me? You can join the 'I Want to Kill Yelena Guild.' I hear they have six members in good standing. Valek is president since he had wanted to kill me twice." —— “Another relative?" Valek asked. A broad smile stretched Moon Man's lips. "Yes. I am her mother's uncle's wife's third cousin." --Valek and Moon Man”  —— “Your mother sounds like a formidable woman," Valek said into the silence. "You have no idea," Leif replied with a sigh. "Well, if she's anything like Yelena, my deepest sympathies," Valek teased. "Hey!" Leif laughed and the tense moment dissipated. Valek handed Leif his machete. "Do you know how to use it?" "Of course. I chopped Yelena's bow into firewood," Leif joked.”  —— “Don't worry. I'm only your escort tonight. I would offer to protect you from the drunken attentions of the other men, but I know all to well that you're quite capagble of holding your own. You're probably armed. Right?" Always.”  —— “Pushing magic toward the candle, I willed it to light. Nothing happened. Irys made a strangled sound and the candle burned. “Are you directing your magic to the candle?” “Yes. Why?” “You just ordered me to light the candle for you,” Irys said in exasperation. “And I did it.”  —— “I'd wish you luck, but I don't think it would help.' 'Why not?' 'My lady, you make your own luck.” —— “How did you—” “Fool your guards? They’re not very good. They forgot to check the ceiling for spiders.” Valek grinned. His angular face softened. Startled, I realized he wasn’t in disguise. “This is dangerous.” “I knew falling for you was dangerous, love.”  —— “A little present from my run-in with a sword. Or should I say from when the sword had a run-in with me?” His eyes lit up. “Want to see the scar? It’s cool.” He started pulling his shirt out of his pants. “Janco,” Ari warned. “We’re not supposed to be fraternizing with the Sitians.” “But she’s not Sitian. Right, Yelena? You haven’t gone south on us, have you?” Janco’s voice held mock horror. “Because if you have I can’t give you your present.” I took my switchblade out, showing the inscription to Janco. “What about ‘Sieges weathered, fight together, friends forever’? Does that change if I become an official southerner?” Janco rubbed the hair on his chin, considering.  “No,” Ari said. “You could change into a goat and it would still apply.”  —— “You look like hell,' he said to me in a low voice. 'Gee, Dax, don’t coat it with honey. Tell me what you really think,' I said.”  —— “If you don’t come back to the Keep, then I’ll be right. And every time you see me, I’ll be insufferably smug.” “And how’s that different from now?” He laughed and I could see the young carefree boy he had been in his eyes. “You’ve only had a small glimpse of how insufferable and annoying I can be. As the older brother, it’s my birthright.”  —— “He pulled my arm out to expose my bracelet. "When I carved this, my thoughts were on you, love. Your life is like this snake's coils. No matter how many turns it makes, you'll end up back where you belong. With me." His sapphire eyes held a promise. ” —— “Do you really want to know why you lost?” I asked. “Do you really have an answer?” he countered. “You need to get off your horse and run with your men. You don’t have the stamina for a long fight. And find a lighter sword.” “But it was my uncle’s.” “You’re not your uncle.” “But I’m the King, and this is the King’s sword,” Cahil said. His brows creased together. He seemed confused. “So wear it to your coronation,” I said. “If you use it in battle, you’ll be wearing it to your funeral,” I said.”  —— “In keeping with his cryptic nature, all your Story Weaver said was 'The horses know where to go.' It's certainly not a military strategy I would use, but I've learned that the south uses its own strategy. And, strangely enough, it works.”  —— == Fire Study == * “There's always another storm. It's the way the world works. Snowstorms, rainstorms, windstorms, sandstorms, and firestorms. Some are fierce and others are small. You have to deal with each one separately, but you need to keep an eye on whats brewing for tomorrow.”  * “Nothing like having a warrant for your execution to get a girl motivated.”  * “You asked how I can be so calm. I don't have time not to be. I would like to grieve and worry and carry on, but that doesn't achieve results.”  * “You should know what happens when you play with fire, Cahill. Eventually, you'll get burned.”  * “It's the problem with mistakes, they tend to linger.”  * “He was the test I hadn’t studied for, the quiz I was bound to fail. Out of my depth.”  —— “The others had taken Valek's return in stride, although Janco made a comment about Valek's lack of hair. 'You ever notice how couples start to look alike?' he asked.  In a deadpan, Valek replied, 'Yes. In fact I was just thinking how much you and Topaz resemble each other. It's uncanny.”  —— “Did you live here?" Leif asked. I nodded. "For two years"."Where did you stay?" "I had a room in Valek's suite." Leif shot me an incredulous look. "Boy, you worked fast.”  —— “In the war room, love? What if someone comes in?” I stood and removed his shirt. “Then they’ll have a good story to tell.” “Good?” He adopted the pretense of being offended. “Prove me wrong.”  —— “Lief. That's not nice, considering all your sister has done for you," admonished Perl. "Oh right. How could I forget that she made me bait for a snake, left me on house arrest in Ixia, and smuggled me into the Keep in a coffin.”  —— “I had hoped to hear everyone discussing how much they missed my altruistic qualities, my legendary skills as a fighter and as a lover." He leered. "Instead, you're making plans for tomorrow. Interesting how life goes on in spite of itself.”  —— “I had hoped to hear everyone discussing how much they missed my altruistic qualities, my legendary skills as a fighter and as a lover." He leered. "Instead, you're making plans for tomorrow. Interesting how life goes on in spite of itself.”  —— “When I failed to move, Valek pushed me off the mat and curled in my place under the covers. “Ahh. Still warm.” “You’re evil,” I said, but he feigned sleep.” —— “Getting killed would have been easier. No guilt. No worries. No fear. Caring for someone is terrible and wonderful. I don't know if I have the strength to do it for another. How do you deal with it?" "I focus on the wonderful parts and suffer through the terrible parts, knowing it will end eventually.”  —— “You said I was afraid to come back to the Keep. Well—” I spread my arms wide, flinging drops of water onto Leif’s green tunic “—here I am.” “You are here. I’ll grant you that. But are you unafraid?” “I already have a mother and a Story Weaver. Your job is to be the annoying older brother. Stick to what you know.” “Ohhh. I’ve hit a nerve.”  —— “It can’t be good news,” Leif said. “I’d doubt you would brave the weather just to say hello.” “You opened the door before I could knock,” I said. “You must know something’s up.” Leif wiped the rain from his face. “I smelled you coming.” “Smelled?” “You reek of Lavender. Do you bathe in Mother’s perfume or just wash your cloak with it?” he teased. “How mundane. I was thinking of something a little more magical.”  —— “THAT’S PATHETIC, YELENA,” Dax complained. “An all-powerful Soulfinder who isn’t all-powerful. Where’s the fun in that?” He threw up his long thin arms in mock frustration. “Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not the one who attached the ‘all-powerful’ to the title.”  —— d89yncaiffhpltsrjh6lzjxjlrzfizo 3158075 3158073 2022-08-26T05:08:14Z BD2412 3982 BD2412 moved page [[Maria V. Snyder.]] to [[Maria V. Snyder]] without leaving a redirect: correction wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Maria V. Snyder|Maria V. Snyder]]''' is an American author of the ''Study Series'' book series. It is the first Serie of the '''Chronicles of Ixia''' that introduces the reader to Yelena, a young woman who committed the murder of General Brazell only son, she stays for almost two years in the dungeon until she is taken to Valek, Commander Ambrose's Chief of Security, to dictate her execution, but he give her an option, she will became the new food tester of the Commander, where the training can be lethal and she can die in the next bite. ==Quotes== === Poison Study === *“Locked in darkness that surrounded me like a coffin, I had nothing to distract me from my memories.” *“I am not a fool.” *“To Yelena, our newest food taster. May you last longer than your predecessor.” *“His movements were so graceful that I wondered if he had been a dancer, but his words betrayed to me that his fluid gestures were those of a trained killer.” *“I did what any good rat would do. I bit down on the guard's hand until I tasted blood.” *“It's a dirty way to fight, but I'm late for lunch." *“You're easily distracted by the pattern of the cloth and can't see the quality of the threads.” *“Poisoned, pursued and living with a psychopath. Not what I would consider the good life. Death has its perks.” *“Only the weak invite their demons to live with them. Isn't that right?” *“Everyone makes choices in life. Some bad, some good. It's called living, and if you want to bow out, then go right ahead. But don't do it halfway. Don't linger in whiner's limbo.” *“When you warned me that you would test me from time to time, I thought you meant spiking my food. But it seems there is more than one way to poison a person’s heart, and it doesn’t even require a meal.” *“Trusting is hard. Knowing who to trust, even harder.” *“Besides, thinking kind thoughts about Valek could be extremely dangerous. I could admire his skills, and be relieved when he was on my side in a fight. But for a rat to like the cat? That scenario ended only one way. With one dead rat.” *“I balled my hands into tight fists to keep them from wrapping around Mr. I-Know-Everything's superior neck.” *“Knowledge, whatever the form, could be as effective as a weapon.” *“I hate a mystery. I would have let the identity of the Commander’s successor remain a secret, as I have for fifteen years, but tonight’s opportunity was too tempting. With eight drunken Generals sleeping it off, I could have danced on their beds without waking them." *“They actually think I would abandon the Commander. they have no concept of loyalty.” *“Sieges weathered, fight together, friends forever.” *“The uniform enhanced his athletic body, and my thoughts drifted to how magnificent he would look with his uniform puddled around his feet.” *“One, and two, and three, four, five. Keep fighting like this and you will die," Janco sang.” *“I didn’t want or expect this. But I couldn’t resist you.” *“But for a rat to like the cat? That scenario ended only one way. With one dead rat.” *“When I carved this statue, I was thinking about you. Delicate in appearance, but with a strength unnoticed at first glance.” His eyes met mine.” *“I peered deeper and found my soul. A little tattered and with some holes, but there all the same. It had always been there, I realized with shock.” *“I understood that Valek’s loyalty to the Commander was without question. His blue eyes held a fierce determination and I knew in my soul that Valek would take his own life after he had taken mine.” *“Two men. I had just killed two men. A killing machine, I hadn't even hesitated. Fear and rage settled deep in my chest, forming a layer of ice around my heart.” *“But you've slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart.” —— “Anyway, the odds were against you. Most lost big, while only a few—” Rand paused dramatically “—won big.” “Since you’re here, I suppose you won big.” He smiled. “Yelena, I’m always going to bet on you. You’re like one of the Commander’s terriers. A tiny, yappy dog you wouldn’t look at twice, but once it grabs your pant leg, it won’t let go.” “Poison the dog’s meat and it won’t bother you anymore.” —— “I didn't expect a knife, though. Is it the one missing from the kitchen?" "Did Rand report it?" I felt betrayed. Why hadn't he just asked for it back? "No. It just makes sense to keep track of large kitchen knives, so when one goes missing you're not surprised when someone attacks you with it. —— “What have I earned from you, Valek? Loyalty? Respect? Trust?" "You have my attention. But give me what I want, and you can have everything.” —— “Yelena.” I halted in the doorway, looking back over my shoulder. “You once said I wasn’t ready to believe your reason for killing Reyad. I’ll believe you now.” “But I’m not ready to tell you,” I said and left the room.”  —— “There’s an arrest warrant out for her. Did you even consider taking her to the Commander?” “No.” “Why not?” Valek didn’t try to hide his disbelief. “Killing isn’t the only solution to a problem. Or has that been yourformula?” “ My formula! Excuse me, Mr. Assassin, while I laugh as I remember my history lessons on how to deal with a tyrannical monarch by killing him and his family.” Valek flashed me a dangerous look.” —— “Yelena, you've driven me crazy. You've caused me considerable trouble and I've contemplated ending your life twice since I've known you." Valek's warm breath in my ear sent a shiver down my spine. "But you’ve slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart.” “That sounds more like a poison than a person,” was all I could say. His confession had both shocked and thrilled me. “Exactly,” Valek replied. “You have poisoned me.” —— “An execution order hasn’t kept us apart before. There are ways to get around it. We will be together.” “Is that an order?” “No, a promise.” —— “Back so soon?" he asked. "Too bad. I was just about to organize a search for your dead body. What happened when you knocked on the southerner magician's door to sacrifice yourself? Did they kick you out, thinking you too half-witted to waste their time on?” —— “Well, Valek, any new promotions?” the Commander asked “No. But Maren shows promise. Unfortunately she doesn’t want to be in my corps or even be my second.She just wants to beat me.” Valek grinned, delighted by the challenge. “And can she?” the Commander inquired. His eyebrows rose. “With time and the proper training. She’s deadly with her bow; it’s just her tactics that need work.” “Then what do we do with her?” “Promote her to General and retire some of those old wind-bags. We could use some fresh blood in the upper ranks.” “Valek, you never had a good grasp of military structure.” “Then promote her to First Lieutenant today, Captain tomorrow, Major the next day, Colonel the day after, and General the day after that.” “I’ll take it under advisement.” —— “It’s your fault. I was defending you!” I blurted. He paused. “In protecting my honor, you exposed months of work. I should be flattered?” —— == Magic Study == * “I took three steps and was wrapped in his arms, where I belonged. No confusion here. No worries here. No troubles here.”  * “Many have tried to kill us. All have failed. * “When I carved this, my thoughts were on you, love. Your life is like this snake's coils. No matter how many turns it makes, you'll end up back where you belong. With me.”  * “I’ll have you know that the most delicate flowers often produce the strongest scent when crushed.”  * “Her amber eyes burned into mine with all the hate and loathing she could muster. Underneath, though, she was terrified. Hate and loathing didn't bother me, but fear was a powerful emotion. Fear causes the dog to bite and Roze was one bitch.”  * “Don't feel ashamed for having those feelings and those memories. What happened in the past can't be changed, but they can be a guide for what happens in the future.”  * “Bad dreams are ghosts of our fears and worries, haunting us while we sleep. I doubt Valek is in trouble.”  * “Trust, Kiki said, Trust is peppermints.” * “I gave him a bored look. I had been threatened many times before and had learned that the men who didn’t make verbal threats were the most dangerous.”  * “Your fear remains strong. You are not ready to face your story, preferring instead to surround yourself with knots. Someday, they will strangle you.”  * “Pretty stupid,” I called after his retreating form. “To give up before all possible solutions have been tried.” * “I wanted to dissolve into the floor, mixing myself with the hard stone. A stone had a single purpose: to be. No complicated promises, no worries and no feelings.”  * “Should haves lead to death”  * “Unfortunately, diplomacy was a dance I needed to learn.” —— “In the end, only Leif believed that you were still alive. He thought you might be hiding somewhere, playing a game. As the rest of us grieved, Leif searched the jungle for you day after day.” “When did he finally stop?” I asked. “Yesterday.”  —— “Living is a risk,' I snapped at him. 'Every decision, every interaction, every step, every time you get out of bed in the morning, you take a risk. To survive is to know you're taking that risk and to not get out of bed clutching illusions of safety.”  —— “He made a weak attempt to look innocent, but I knew better. 'Should I guess how many concealed weapons you have or should I strip search you?' 'A strip search is the only way to be absolutely certain.' Valek's deep blue eyes danced with delight.”  —— “Why did Mother ask you to help me rescue Gelsi?" I asked Leif. "She thought I could assist you in some way. Instead, I had tried to-" "Kill me? You can join the 'I Want to Kill Yelena Guild.' I hear they have six members in good standing. Valek is president since he had wanted to kill me twice." —— “Another relative?" Valek asked. A broad smile stretched Moon Man's lips. "Yes. I am her mother's uncle's wife's third cousin." --Valek and Moon Man”  —— “Your mother sounds like a formidable woman," Valek said into the silence. "You have no idea," Leif replied with a sigh. "Well, if she's anything like Yelena, my deepest sympathies," Valek teased. "Hey!" Leif laughed and the tense moment dissipated. Valek handed Leif his machete. "Do you know how to use it?" "Of course. I chopped Yelena's bow into firewood," Leif joked.”  —— “Don't worry. I'm only your escort tonight. I would offer to protect you from the drunken attentions of the other men, but I know all to well that you're quite capagble of holding your own. You're probably armed. Right?" Always.”  —— “Pushing magic toward the candle, I willed it to light. Nothing happened. Irys made a strangled sound and the candle burned. “Are you directing your magic to the candle?” “Yes. Why?” “You just ordered me to light the candle for you,” Irys said in exasperation. “And I did it.”  —— “I'd wish you luck, but I don't think it would help.' 'Why not?' 'My lady, you make your own luck.” —— “How did you—” “Fool your guards? They’re not very good. They forgot to check the ceiling for spiders.” Valek grinned. His angular face softened. Startled, I realized he wasn’t in disguise. “This is dangerous.” “I knew falling for you was dangerous, love.”  —— “A little present from my run-in with a sword. Or should I say from when the sword had a run-in with me?” His eyes lit up. “Want to see the scar? It’s cool.” He started pulling his shirt out of his pants. “Janco,” Ari warned. “We’re not supposed to be fraternizing with the Sitians.” “But she’s not Sitian. Right, Yelena? You haven’t gone south on us, have you?” Janco’s voice held mock horror. “Because if you have I can’t give you your present.” I took my switchblade out, showing the inscription to Janco. “What about ‘Sieges weathered, fight together, friends forever’? Does that change if I become an official southerner?” Janco rubbed the hair on his chin, considering.  “No,” Ari said. “You could change into a goat and it would still apply.”  —— “You look like hell,' he said to me in a low voice. 'Gee, Dax, don’t coat it with honey. Tell me what you really think,' I said.”  —— “If you don’t come back to the Keep, then I’ll be right. And every time you see me, I’ll be insufferably smug.” “And how’s that different from now?” He laughed and I could see the young carefree boy he had been in his eyes. “You’ve only had a small glimpse of how insufferable and annoying I can be. As the older brother, it’s my birthright.”  —— “He pulled my arm out to expose my bracelet. "When I carved this, my thoughts were on you, love. Your life is like this snake's coils. No matter how many turns it makes, you'll end up back where you belong. With me." His sapphire eyes held a promise. ” —— “Do you really want to know why you lost?” I asked. “Do you really have an answer?” he countered. “You need to get off your horse and run with your men. You don’t have the stamina for a long fight. And find a lighter sword.” “But it was my uncle’s.” “You’re not your uncle.” “But I’m the King, and this is the King’s sword,” Cahil said. His brows creased together. He seemed confused. “So wear it to your coronation,” I said. “If you use it in battle, you’ll be wearing it to your funeral,” I said.”  —— “In keeping with his cryptic nature, all your Story Weaver said was 'The horses know where to go.' It's certainly not a military strategy I would use, but I've learned that the south uses its own strategy. And, strangely enough, it works.”  —— == Fire Study == * “There's always another storm. It's the way the world works. Snowstorms, rainstorms, windstorms, sandstorms, and firestorms. Some are fierce and others are small. You have to deal with each one separately, but you need to keep an eye on whats brewing for tomorrow.”  * “Nothing like having a warrant for your execution to get a girl motivated.”  * “You asked how I can be so calm. I don't have time not to be. I would like to grieve and worry and carry on, but that doesn't achieve results.”  * “You should know what happens when you play with fire, Cahill. Eventually, you'll get burned.”  * “It's the problem with mistakes, they tend to linger.”  * “He was the test I hadn’t studied for, the quiz I was bound to fail. Out of my depth.”  —— “The others had taken Valek's return in stride, although Janco made a comment about Valek's lack of hair. 'You ever notice how couples start to look alike?' he asked.  In a deadpan, Valek replied, 'Yes. In fact I was just thinking how much you and Topaz resemble each other. It's uncanny.”  —— “Did you live here?" Leif asked. I nodded. "For two years"."Where did you stay?" "I had a room in Valek's suite." Leif shot me an incredulous look. "Boy, you worked fast.”  —— “In the war room, love? What if someone comes in?” I stood and removed his shirt. “Then they’ll have a good story to tell.” “Good?” He adopted the pretense of being offended. “Prove me wrong.”  —— “Lief. That's not nice, considering all your sister has done for you," admonished Perl. "Oh right. How could I forget that she made me bait for a snake, left me on house arrest in Ixia, and smuggled me into the Keep in a coffin.”  —— “I had hoped to hear everyone discussing how much they missed my altruistic qualities, my legendary skills as a fighter and as a lover." He leered. "Instead, you're making plans for tomorrow. Interesting how life goes on in spite of itself.”  —— “I had hoped to hear everyone discussing how much they missed my altruistic qualities, my legendary skills as a fighter and as a lover." He leered. "Instead, you're making plans for tomorrow. Interesting how life goes on in spite of itself.”  —— “When I failed to move, Valek pushed me off the mat and curled in my place under the covers. “Ahh. Still warm.” “You’re evil,” I said, but he feigned sleep.” —— “Getting killed would have been easier. No guilt. No worries. No fear. Caring for someone is terrible and wonderful. I don't know if I have the strength to do it for another. How do you deal with it?" "I focus on the wonderful parts and suffer through the terrible parts, knowing it will end eventually.”  —— “You said I was afraid to come back to the Keep. Well—” I spread my arms wide, flinging drops of water onto Leif’s green tunic “—here I am.” “You are here. I’ll grant you that. But are you unafraid?” “I already have a mother and a Story Weaver. Your job is to be the annoying older brother. Stick to what you know.” “Ohhh. I’ve hit a nerve.”  —— “It can’t be good news,” Leif said. “I’d doubt you would brave the weather just to say hello.” “You opened the door before I could knock,” I said. “You must know something’s up.” Leif wiped the rain from his face. “I smelled you coming.” “Smelled?” “You reek of Lavender. Do you bathe in Mother’s perfume or just wash your cloak with it?” he teased. “How mundane. I was thinking of something a little more magical.”  —— “THAT’S PATHETIC, YELENA,” Dax complained. “An all-powerful Soulfinder who isn’t all-powerful. Where’s the fun in that?” He threw up his long thin arms in mock frustration. “Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not the one who attached the ‘all-powerful’ to the title.”  —— d89yncaiffhpltsrjh6lzjxjlrzfizo 3158078 3158075 2022-08-26T05:16:51Z BD2412 3982 '''[[w:Maria V. Snyder|Maria V. Snyder]]''' (born April 15, 1973) is an American fantasy and science fiction author best known for her ''Study Series''. wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Maria V. Snyder|Maria V. Snyder]]''' (born April 15, 1973) is an American fantasy and science fiction author best known for her ''Study Series''. It is the first Serie of the '''Chronicles of Ixia''' that introduces the reader to Yelena, a young woman who committed the murder of General Brazell only son, she stays for almost two years in the dungeon until she is taken to Valek, Commander Ambrose's Chief of Security, to dictate her execution, but he give her an option, she will became the new food tester of the Commander, where the training can be lethal and she can die in the next bite. ==Quotes== === Poison Study === *“Locked in darkness that surrounded me like a coffin, I had nothing to distract me from my memories.” *“I am not a fool.” *“To Yelena, our newest food taster. May you last longer than your predecessor.” *“His movements were so graceful that I wondered if he had been a dancer, but his words betrayed to me that his fluid gestures were those of a trained killer.” *“I did what any good rat would do. I bit down on the guard's hand until I tasted blood.” *“It's a dirty way to fight, but I'm late for lunch." *“You're easily distracted by the pattern of the cloth and can't see the quality of the threads.” *“Poisoned, pursued and living with a psychopath. Not what I would consider the good life. Death has its perks.” *“Only the weak invite their demons to live with them. Isn't that right?” *“Everyone makes choices in life. Some bad, some good. It's called living, and if you want to bow out, then go right ahead. But don't do it halfway. Don't linger in whiner's limbo.” *“When you warned me that you would test me from time to time, I thought you meant spiking my food. But it seems there is more than one way to poison a person’s heart, and it doesn’t even require a meal.” *“Trusting is hard. Knowing who to trust, even harder.” *“Besides, thinking kind thoughts about Valek could be extremely dangerous. I could admire his skills, and be relieved when he was on my side in a fight. But for a rat to like the cat? That scenario ended only one way. With one dead rat.” *“I balled my hands into tight fists to keep them from wrapping around Mr. I-Know-Everything's superior neck.” *“Knowledge, whatever the form, could be as effective as a weapon.” *“I hate a mystery. I would have let the identity of the Commander’s successor remain a secret, as I have for fifteen years, but tonight’s opportunity was too tempting. With eight drunken Generals sleeping it off, I could have danced on their beds without waking them." *“They actually think I would abandon the Commander. they have no concept of loyalty.” *“Sieges weathered, fight together, friends forever.” *“The uniform enhanced his athletic body, and my thoughts drifted to how magnificent he would look with his uniform puddled around his feet.” *“One, and two, and three, four, five. Keep fighting like this and you will die," Janco sang.” *“I didn’t want or expect this. But I couldn’t resist you.” *“But for a rat to like the cat? That scenario ended only one way. With one dead rat.” *“When I carved this statue, I was thinking about you. Delicate in appearance, but with a strength unnoticed at first glance.” His eyes met mine.” *“I peered deeper and found my soul. A little tattered and with some holes, but there all the same. It had always been there, I realized with shock.” *“I understood that Valek’s loyalty to the Commander was without question. His blue eyes held a fierce determination and I knew in my soul that Valek would take his own life after he had taken mine.” *“Two men. I had just killed two men. A killing machine, I hadn't even hesitated. Fear and rage settled deep in my chest, forming a layer of ice around my heart.” *“But you've slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart.” —— “Anyway, the odds were against you. Most lost big, while only a few—” Rand paused dramatically “—won big.” “Since you’re here, I suppose you won big.” He smiled. “Yelena, I’m always going to bet on you. You’re like one of the Commander’s terriers. A tiny, yappy dog you wouldn’t look at twice, but once it grabs your pant leg, it won’t let go.” “Poison the dog’s meat and it won’t bother you anymore.” —— “I didn't expect a knife, though. Is it the one missing from the kitchen?" "Did Rand report it?" I felt betrayed. Why hadn't he just asked for it back? "No. It just makes sense to keep track of large kitchen knives, so when one goes missing you're not surprised when someone attacks you with it. —— “What have I earned from you, Valek? Loyalty? Respect? Trust?" "You have my attention. But give me what I want, and you can have everything.” —— “Yelena.” I halted in the doorway, looking back over my shoulder. “You once said I wasn’t ready to believe your reason for killing Reyad. I’ll believe you now.” “But I’m not ready to tell you,” I said and left the room.”  —— “There’s an arrest warrant out for her. Did you even consider taking her to the Commander?” “No.” “Why not?” Valek didn’t try to hide his disbelief. “Killing isn’t the only solution to a problem. Or has that been yourformula?” “ My formula! Excuse me, Mr. Assassin, while I laugh as I remember my history lessons on how to deal with a tyrannical monarch by killing him and his family.” Valek flashed me a dangerous look.” —— “Yelena, you've driven me crazy. You've caused me considerable trouble and I've contemplated ending your life twice since I've known you." Valek's warm breath in my ear sent a shiver down my spine. "But you’ve slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart.” “That sounds more like a poison than a person,” was all I could say. His confession had both shocked and thrilled me. “Exactly,” Valek replied. “You have poisoned me.” —— “An execution order hasn’t kept us apart before. There are ways to get around it. We will be together.” “Is that an order?” “No, a promise.” —— “Back so soon?" he asked. "Too bad. I was just about to organize a search for your dead body. What happened when you knocked on the southerner magician's door to sacrifice yourself? Did they kick you out, thinking you too half-witted to waste their time on?” —— “Well, Valek, any new promotions?” the Commander asked “No. But Maren shows promise. Unfortunately she doesn’t want to be in my corps or even be my second.She just wants to beat me.” Valek grinned, delighted by the challenge. “And can she?” the Commander inquired. His eyebrows rose. “With time and the proper training. She’s deadly with her bow; it’s just her tactics that need work.” “Then what do we do with her?” “Promote her to General and retire some of those old wind-bags. We could use some fresh blood in the upper ranks.” “Valek, you never had a good grasp of military structure.” “Then promote her to First Lieutenant today, Captain tomorrow, Major the next day, Colonel the day after, and General the day after that.” “I’ll take it under advisement.” —— “It’s your fault. I was defending you!” I blurted. He paused. “In protecting my honor, you exposed months of work. I should be flattered?” —— == Magic Study == * “I took three steps and was wrapped in his arms, where I belonged. No confusion here. No worries here. No troubles here.”  * “Many have tried to kill us. All have failed. * “When I carved this, my thoughts were on you, love. Your life is like this snake's coils. No matter how many turns it makes, you'll end up back where you belong. With me.”  * “I’ll have you know that the most delicate flowers often produce the strongest scent when crushed.”  * “Her amber eyes burned into mine with all the hate and loathing she could muster. Underneath, though, she was terrified. Hate and loathing didn't bother me, but fear was a powerful emotion. Fear causes the dog to bite and Roze was one bitch.”  * “Don't feel ashamed for having those feelings and those memories. What happened in the past can't be changed, but they can be a guide for what happens in the future.”  * “Bad dreams are ghosts of our fears and worries, haunting us while we sleep. I doubt Valek is in trouble.”  * “Trust, Kiki said, Trust is peppermints.” * “I gave him a bored look. I had been threatened many times before and had learned that the men who didn’t make verbal threats were the most dangerous.”  * “Your fear remains strong. You are not ready to face your story, preferring instead to surround yourself with knots. Someday, they will strangle you.”  * “Pretty stupid,” I called after his retreating form. “To give up before all possible solutions have been tried.” * “I wanted to dissolve into the floor, mixing myself with the hard stone. A stone had a single purpose: to be. No complicated promises, no worries and no feelings.”  * “Should haves lead to death”  * “Unfortunately, diplomacy was a dance I needed to learn.” —— “In the end, only Leif believed that you were still alive. He thought you might be hiding somewhere, playing a game. As the rest of us grieved, Leif searched the jungle for you day after day.” “When did he finally stop?” I asked. “Yesterday.”  —— “Living is a risk,' I snapped at him. 'Every decision, every interaction, every step, every time you get out of bed in the morning, you take a risk. To survive is to know you're taking that risk and to not get out of bed clutching illusions of safety.”  —— “He made a weak attempt to look innocent, but I knew better. 'Should I guess how many concealed weapons you have or should I strip search you?' 'A strip search is the only way to be absolutely certain.' Valek's deep blue eyes danced with delight.”  —— “Why did Mother ask you to help me rescue Gelsi?" I asked Leif. "She thought I could assist you in some way. Instead, I had tried to-" "Kill me? You can join the 'I Want to Kill Yelena Guild.' I hear they have six members in good standing. Valek is president since he had wanted to kill me twice." —— “Another relative?" Valek asked. A broad smile stretched Moon Man's lips. "Yes. I am her mother's uncle's wife's third cousin." --Valek and Moon Man”  —— “Your mother sounds like a formidable woman," Valek said into the silence. "You have no idea," Leif replied with a sigh. "Well, if she's anything like Yelena, my deepest sympathies," Valek teased. "Hey!" Leif laughed and the tense moment dissipated. Valek handed Leif his machete. "Do you know how to use it?" "Of course. I chopped Yelena's bow into firewood," Leif joked.”  —— “Don't worry. I'm only your escort tonight. I would offer to protect you from the drunken attentions of the other men, but I know all to well that you're quite capagble of holding your own. You're probably armed. Right?" Always.”  —— “Pushing magic toward the candle, I willed it to light. Nothing happened. Irys made a strangled sound and the candle burned. “Are you directing your magic to the candle?” “Yes. Why?” “You just ordered me to light the candle for you,” Irys said in exasperation. “And I did it.”  —— “I'd wish you luck, but I don't think it would help.' 'Why not?' 'My lady, you make your own luck.” —— “How did you—” “Fool your guards? They’re not very good. They forgot to check the ceiling for spiders.” Valek grinned. His angular face softened. Startled, I realized he wasn’t in disguise. “This is dangerous.” “I knew falling for you was dangerous, love.”  —— “A little present from my run-in with a sword. Or should I say from when the sword had a run-in with me?” His eyes lit up. “Want to see the scar? It’s cool.” He started pulling his shirt out of his pants. “Janco,” Ari warned. “We’re not supposed to be fraternizing with the Sitians.” “But she’s not Sitian. Right, Yelena? You haven’t gone south on us, have you?” Janco’s voice held mock horror. “Because if you have I can’t give you your present.” I took my switchblade out, showing the inscription to Janco. “What about ‘Sieges weathered, fight together, friends forever’? Does that change if I become an official southerner?” Janco rubbed the hair on his chin, considering.  “No,” Ari said. “You could change into a goat and it would still apply.”  —— “You look like hell,' he said to me in a low voice. 'Gee, Dax, don’t coat it with honey. Tell me what you really think,' I said.”  —— “If you don’t come back to the Keep, then I’ll be right. And every time you see me, I’ll be insufferably smug.” “And how’s that different from now?” He laughed and I could see the young carefree boy he had been in his eyes. “You’ve only had a small glimpse of how insufferable and annoying I can be. As the older brother, it’s my birthright.”  —— “He pulled my arm out to expose my bracelet. "When I carved this, my thoughts were on you, love. Your life is like this snake's coils. No matter how many turns it makes, you'll end up back where you belong. With me." His sapphire eyes held a promise. ” —— “Do you really want to know why you lost?” I asked. “Do you really have an answer?” he countered. “You need to get off your horse and run with your men. You don’t have the stamina for a long fight. And find a lighter sword.” “But it was my uncle’s.” “You’re not your uncle.” “But I’m the King, and this is the King’s sword,” Cahil said. His brows creased together. He seemed confused. “So wear it to your coronation,” I said. “If you use it in battle, you’ll be wearing it to your funeral,” I said.”  —— “In keeping with his cryptic nature, all your Story Weaver said was 'The horses know where to go.' It's certainly not a military strategy I would use, but I've learned that the south uses its own strategy. And, strangely enough, it works.”  —— == Fire Study == * “There's always another storm. It's the way the world works. Snowstorms, rainstorms, windstorms, sandstorms, and firestorms. Some are fierce and others are small. You have to deal with each one separately, but you need to keep an eye on whats brewing for tomorrow.”  * “Nothing like having a warrant for your execution to get a girl motivated.”  * “You asked how I can be so calm. I don't have time not to be. I would like to grieve and worry and carry on, but that doesn't achieve results.”  * “You should know what happens when you play with fire, Cahill. Eventually, you'll get burned.”  * “It's the problem with mistakes, they tend to linger.”  * “He was the test I hadn’t studied for, the quiz I was bound to fail. Out of my depth.”  —— “The others had taken Valek's return in stride, although Janco made a comment about Valek's lack of hair. 'You ever notice how couples start to look alike?' he asked.  In a deadpan, Valek replied, 'Yes. In fact I was just thinking how much you and Topaz resemble each other. It's uncanny.”  —— “Did you live here?" Leif asked. I nodded. "For two years"."Where did you stay?" "I had a room in Valek's suite." Leif shot me an incredulous look. "Boy, you worked fast.”  —— “In the war room, love? What if someone comes in?” I stood and removed his shirt. “Then they’ll have a good story to tell.” “Good?” He adopted the pretense of being offended. “Prove me wrong.”  —— “Lief. That's not nice, considering all your sister has done for you," admonished Perl. "Oh right. How could I forget that she made me bait for a snake, left me on house arrest in Ixia, and smuggled me into the Keep in a coffin.”  —— “I had hoped to hear everyone discussing how much they missed my altruistic qualities, my legendary skills as a fighter and as a lover." He leered. "Instead, you're making plans for tomorrow. Interesting how life goes on in spite of itself.”  —— “I had hoped to hear everyone discussing how much they missed my altruistic qualities, my legendary skills as a fighter and as a lover." He leered. "Instead, you're making plans for tomorrow. Interesting how life goes on in spite of itself.”  —— “When I failed to move, Valek pushed me off the mat and curled in my place under the covers. “Ahh. Still warm.” “You’re evil,” I said, but he feigned sleep.” —— “Getting killed would have been easier. No guilt. No worries. No fear. Caring for someone is terrible and wonderful. I don't know if I have the strength to do it for another. How do you deal with it?" "I focus on the wonderful parts and suffer through the terrible parts, knowing it will end eventually.”  —— “You said I was afraid to come back to the Keep. Well—” I spread my arms wide, flinging drops of water onto Leif’s green tunic “—here I am.” “You are here. I’ll grant you that. But are you unafraid?” “I already have a mother and a Story Weaver. Your job is to be the annoying older brother. Stick to what you know.” “Ohhh. I’ve hit a nerve.”  —— “It can’t be good news,” Leif said. “I’d doubt you would brave the weather just to say hello.” “You opened the door before I could knock,” I said. “You must know something’s up.” Leif wiped the rain from his face. “I smelled you coming.” “Smelled?” “You reek of Lavender. Do you bathe in Mother’s perfume or just wash your cloak with it?” he teased. “How mundane. I was thinking of something a little more magical.”  —— “THAT’S PATHETIC, YELENA,” Dax complained. “An all-powerful Soulfinder who isn’t all-powerful. Where’s the fun in that?” He threw up his long thin arms in mock frustration. “Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not the one who attached the ‘all-powerful’ to the title.”  —— kpf286l8nmm29etjbef8mkzdzbm2p9o 3158079 3158078 2022-08-26T05:17:04Z BD2412 3982 /* Magic Study */ header level wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Maria V. Snyder|Maria V. Snyder]]''' (born April 15, 1973) is an American fantasy and science fiction author best known for her ''Study Series''. It is the first Serie of the '''Chronicles of Ixia''' that introduces the reader to Yelena, a young woman who committed the murder of General Brazell only son, she stays for almost two years in the dungeon until she is taken to Valek, Commander Ambrose's Chief of Security, to dictate her execution, but he give her an option, she will became the new food tester of the Commander, where the training can be lethal and she can die in the next bite. ==Quotes== === Poison Study === *“Locked in darkness that surrounded me like a coffin, I had nothing to distract me from my memories.” *“I am not a fool.” *“To Yelena, our newest food taster. May you last longer than your predecessor.” *“His movements were so graceful that I wondered if he had been a dancer, but his words betrayed to me that his fluid gestures were those of a trained killer.” *“I did what any good rat would do. I bit down on the guard's hand until I tasted blood.” *“It's a dirty way to fight, but I'm late for lunch." *“You're easily distracted by the pattern of the cloth and can't see the quality of the threads.” *“Poisoned, pursued and living with a psychopath. Not what I would consider the good life. Death has its perks.” *“Only the weak invite their demons to live with them. Isn't that right?” *“Everyone makes choices in life. Some bad, some good. It's called living, and if you want to bow out, then go right ahead. But don't do it halfway. Don't linger in whiner's limbo.” *“When you warned me that you would test me from time to time, I thought you meant spiking my food. But it seems there is more than one way to poison a person’s heart, and it doesn’t even require a meal.” *“Trusting is hard. Knowing who to trust, even harder.” *“Besides, thinking kind thoughts about Valek could be extremely dangerous. I could admire his skills, and be relieved when he was on my side in a fight. But for a rat to like the cat? That scenario ended only one way. With one dead rat.” *“I balled my hands into tight fists to keep them from wrapping around Mr. I-Know-Everything's superior neck.” *“Knowledge, whatever the form, could be as effective as a weapon.” *“I hate a mystery. I would have let the identity of the Commander’s successor remain a secret, as I have for fifteen years, but tonight’s opportunity was too tempting. With eight drunken Generals sleeping it off, I could have danced on their beds without waking them." *“They actually think I would abandon the Commander. they have no concept of loyalty.” *“Sieges weathered, fight together, friends forever.” *“The uniform enhanced his athletic body, and my thoughts drifted to how magnificent he would look with his uniform puddled around his feet.” *“One, and two, and three, four, five. Keep fighting like this and you will die," Janco sang.” *“I didn’t want or expect this. But I couldn’t resist you.” *“But for a rat to like the cat? That scenario ended only one way. With one dead rat.” *“When I carved this statue, I was thinking about you. Delicate in appearance, but with a strength unnoticed at first glance.” His eyes met mine.” *“I peered deeper and found my soul. A little tattered and with some holes, but there all the same. It had always been there, I realized with shock.” *“I understood that Valek’s loyalty to the Commander was without question. His blue eyes held a fierce determination and I knew in my soul that Valek would take his own life after he had taken mine.” *“Two men. I had just killed two men. A killing machine, I hadn't even hesitated. Fear and rage settled deep in my chest, forming a layer of ice around my heart.” *“But you've slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart.” —— “Anyway, the odds were against you. Most lost big, while only a few—” Rand paused dramatically “—won big.” “Since you’re here, I suppose you won big.” He smiled. “Yelena, I’m always going to bet on you. You’re like one of the Commander’s terriers. A tiny, yappy dog you wouldn’t look at twice, but once it grabs your pant leg, it won’t let go.” “Poison the dog’s meat and it won’t bother you anymore.” —— “I didn't expect a knife, though. Is it the one missing from the kitchen?" "Did Rand report it?" I felt betrayed. Why hadn't he just asked for it back? "No. It just makes sense to keep track of large kitchen knives, so when one goes missing you're not surprised when someone attacks you with it. —— “What have I earned from you, Valek? Loyalty? Respect? Trust?" "You have my attention. But give me what I want, and you can have everything.” —— “Yelena.” I halted in the doorway, looking back over my shoulder. “You once said I wasn’t ready to believe your reason for killing Reyad. I’ll believe you now.” “But I’m not ready to tell you,” I said and left the room.”  —— “There’s an arrest warrant out for her. Did you even consider taking her to the Commander?” “No.” “Why not?” Valek didn’t try to hide his disbelief. “Killing isn’t the only solution to a problem. Or has that been yourformula?” “ My formula! Excuse me, Mr. Assassin, while I laugh as I remember my history lessons on how to deal with a tyrannical monarch by killing him and his family.” Valek flashed me a dangerous look.” —— “Yelena, you've driven me crazy. You've caused me considerable trouble and I've contemplated ending your life twice since I've known you." Valek's warm breath in my ear sent a shiver down my spine. "But you’ve slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart.” “That sounds more like a poison than a person,” was all I could say. His confession had both shocked and thrilled me. “Exactly,” Valek replied. “You have poisoned me.” —— “An execution order hasn’t kept us apart before. There are ways to get around it. We will be together.” “Is that an order?” “No, a promise.” —— “Back so soon?" he asked. "Too bad. I was just about to organize a search for your dead body. What happened when you knocked on the southerner magician's door to sacrifice yourself? Did they kick you out, thinking you too half-witted to waste their time on?” —— “Well, Valek, any new promotions?” the Commander asked “No. But Maren shows promise. Unfortunately she doesn’t want to be in my corps or even be my second.She just wants to beat me.” Valek grinned, delighted by the challenge. “And can she?” the Commander inquired. His eyebrows rose. “With time and the proper training. She’s deadly with her bow; it’s just her tactics that need work.” “Then what do we do with her?” “Promote her to General and retire some of those old wind-bags. We could use some fresh blood in the upper ranks.” “Valek, you never had a good grasp of military structure.” “Then promote her to First Lieutenant today, Captain tomorrow, Major the next day, Colonel the day after, and General the day after that.” “I’ll take it under advisement.” —— “It’s your fault. I was defending you!” I blurted. He paused. “In protecting my honor, you exposed months of work. I should be flattered?” —— === Magic Study === * “I took three steps and was wrapped in his arms, where I belonged. No confusion here. No worries here. No troubles here.”  * “Many have tried to kill us. All have failed. * “When I carved this, my thoughts were on you, love. Your life is like this snake's coils. No matter how many turns it makes, you'll end up back where you belong. With me.”  * “I’ll have you know that the most delicate flowers often produce the strongest scent when crushed.”  * “Her amber eyes burned into mine with all the hate and loathing she could muster. Underneath, though, she was terrified. Hate and loathing didn't bother me, but fear was a powerful emotion. Fear causes the dog to bite and Roze was one bitch.”  * “Don't feel ashamed for having those feelings and those memories. What happened in the past can't be changed, but they can be a guide for what happens in the future.”  * “Bad dreams are ghosts of our fears and worries, haunting us while we sleep. I doubt Valek is in trouble.”  * “Trust, Kiki said, Trust is peppermints.” * “I gave him a bored look. I had been threatened many times before and had learned that the men who didn’t make verbal threats were the most dangerous.”  * “Your fear remains strong. You are not ready to face your story, preferring instead to surround yourself with knots. Someday, they will strangle you.”  * “Pretty stupid,” I called after his retreating form. “To give up before all possible solutions have been tried.” * “I wanted to dissolve into the floor, mixing myself with the hard stone. A stone had a single purpose: to be. No complicated promises, no worries and no feelings.”  * “Should haves lead to death”  * “Unfortunately, diplomacy was a dance I needed to learn.” —— “In the end, only Leif believed that you were still alive. He thought you might be hiding somewhere, playing a game. As the rest of us grieved, Leif searched the jungle for you day after day.” “When did he finally stop?” I asked. “Yesterday.”  —— “Living is a risk,' I snapped at him. 'Every decision, every interaction, every step, every time you get out of bed in the morning, you take a risk. To survive is to know you're taking that risk and to not get out of bed clutching illusions of safety.”  —— “He made a weak attempt to look innocent, but I knew better. 'Should I guess how many concealed weapons you have or should I strip search you?' 'A strip search is the only way to be absolutely certain.' Valek's deep blue eyes danced with delight.”  —— “Why did Mother ask you to help me rescue Gelsi?" I asked Leif. "She thought I could assist you in some way. Instead, I had tried to-" "Kill me? You can join the 'I Want to Kill Yelena Guild.' I hear they have six members in good standing. Valek is president since he had wanted to kill me twice." —— “Another relative?" Valek asked. A broad smile stretched Moon Man's lips. "Yes. I am her mother's uncle's wife's third cousin." --Valek and Moon Man”  —— “Your mother sounds like a formidable woman," Valek said into the silence. "You have no idea," Leif replied with a sigh. "Well, if she's anything like Yelena, my deepest sympathies," Valek teased. "Hey!" Leif laughed and the tense moment dissipated. Valek handed Leif his machete. "Do you know how to use it?" "Of course. I chopped Yelena's bow into firewood," Leif joked.”  —— “Don't worry. I'm only your escort tonight. I would offer to protect you from the drunken attentions of the other men, but I know all to well that you're quite capagble of holding your own. You're probably armed. Right?" Always.”  —— “Pushing magic toward the candle, I willed it to light. Nothing happened. Irys made a strangled sound and the candle burned. “Are you directing your magic to the candle?” “Yes. Why?” “You just ordered me to light the candle for you,” Irys said in exasperation. “And I did it.”  —— “I'd wish you luck, but I don't think it would help.' 'Why not?' 'My lady, you make your own luck.” —— “How did you—” “Fool your guards? They’re not very good. They forgot to check the ceiling for spiders.” Valek grinned. His angular face softened. Startled, I realized he wasn’t in disguise. “This is dangerous.” “I knew falling for you was dangerous, love.”  —— “A little present from my run-in with a sword. Or should I say from when the sword had a run-in with me?” His eyes lit up. “Want to see the scar? It’s cool.” He started pulling his shirt out of his pants. “Janco,” Ari warned. “We’re not supposed to be fraternizing with the Sitians.” “But she’s not Sitian. Right, Yelena? You haven’t gone south on us, have you?” Janco’s voice held mock horror. “Because if you have I can’t give you your present.” I took my switchblade out, showing the inscription to Janco. “What about ‘Sieges weathered, fight together, friends forever’? Does that change if I become an official southerner?” Janco rubbed the hair on his chin, considering.  “No,” Ari said. “You could change into a goat and it would still apply.”  —— “You look like hell,' he said to me in a low voice. 'Gee, Dax, don’t coat it with honey. Tell me what you really think,' I said.”  —— “If you don’t come back to the Keep, then I’ll be right. And every time you see me, I’ll be insufferably smug.” “And how’s that different from now?” He laughed and I could see the young carefree boy he had been in his eyes. “You’ve only had a small glimpse of how insufferable and annoying I can be. As the older brother, it’s my birthright.”  —— “He pulled my arm out to expose my bracelet. "When I carved this, my thoughts were on you, love. Your life is like this snake's coils. No matter how many turns it makes, you'll end up back where you belong. With me." His sapphire eyes held a promise. ” —— “Do you really want to know why you lost?” I asked. “Do you really have an answer?” he countered. “You need to get off your horse and run with your men. You don’t have the stamina for a long fight. And find a lighter sword.” “But it was my uncle’s.” “You’re not your uncle.” “But I’m the King, and this is the King’s sword,” Cahil said. His brows creased together. He seemed confused. “So wear it to your coronation,” I said. “If you use it in battle, you’ll be wearing it to your funeral,” I said.”  —— “In keeping with his cryptic nature, all your Story Weaver said was 'The horses know where to go.' It's certainly not a military strategy I would use, but I've learned that the south uses its own strategy. And, strangely enough, it works.”  —— == Fire Study == * “There's always another storm. It's the way the world works. Snowstorms, rainstorms, windstorms, sandstorms, and firestorms. Some are fierce and others are small. You have to deal with each one separately, but you need to keep an eye on whats brewing for tomorrow.”  * “Nothing like having a warrant for your execution to get a girl motivated.”  * “You asked how I can be so calm. I don't have time not to be. I would like to grieve and worry and carry on, but that doesn't achieve results.”  * “You should know what happens when you play with fire, Cahill. Eventually, you'll get burned.”  * “It's the problem with mistakes, they tend to linger.”  * “He was the test I hadn’t studied for, the quiz I was bound to fail. Out of my depth.”  —— “The others had taken Valek's return in stride, although Janco made a comment about Valek's lack of hair. 'You ever notice how couples start to look alike?' he asked.  In a deadpan, Valek replied, 'Yes. In fact I was just thinking how much you and Topaz resemble each other. It's uncanny.”  —— “Did you live here?" Leif asked. I nodded. "For two years"."Where did you stay?" "I had a room in Valek's suite." Leif shot me an incredulous look. "Boy, you worked fast.”  —— “In the war room, love? What if someone comes in?” I stood and removed his shirt. “Then they’ll have a good story to tell.” “Good?” He adopted the pretense of being offended. “Prove me wrong.”  —— “Lief. That's not nice, considering all your sister has done for you," admonished Perl. "Oh right. How could I forget that she made me bait for a snake, left me on house arrest in Ixia, and smuggled me into the Keep in a coffin.”  —— “I had hoped to hear everyone discussing how much they missed my altruistic qualities, my legendary skills as a fighter and as a lover." He leered. "Instead, you're making plans for tomorrow. Interesting how life goes on in spite of itself.”  —— “I had hoped to hear everyone discussing how much they missed my altruistic qualities, my legendary skills as a fighter and as a lover." He leered. "Instead, you're making plans for tomorrow. Interesting how life goes on in spite of itself.”  —— “When I failed to move, Valek pushed me off the mat and curled in my place under the covers. “Ahh. Still warm.” “You’re evil,” I said, but he feigned sleep.” —— “Getting killed would have been easier. No guilt. No worries. No fear. Caring for someone is terrible and wonderful. I don't know if I have the strength to do it for another. How do you deal with it?" "I focus on the wonderful parts and suffer through the terrible parts, knowing it will end eventually.”  —— “You said I was afraid to come back to the Keep. Well—” I spread my arms wide, flinging drops of water onto Leif’s green tunic “—here I am.” “You are here. I’ll grant you that. But are you unafraid?” “I already have a mother and a Story Weaver. Your job is to be the annoying older brother. Stick to what you know.” “Ohhh. I’ve hit a nerve.”  —— “It can’t be good news,” Leif said. “I’d doubt you would brave the weather just to say hello.” “You opened the door before I could knock,” I said. “You must know something’s up.” Leif wiped the rain from his face. “I smelled you coming.” “Smelled?” “You reek of Lavender. Do you bathe in Mother’s perfume or just wash your cloak with it?” he teased. “How mundane. I was thinking of something a little more magical.”  —— “THAT’S PATHETIC, YELENA,” Dax complained. “An all-powerful Soulfinder who isn’t all-powerful. Where’s the fun in that?” He threw up his long thin arms in mock frustration. “Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not the one who attached the ‘all-powerful’ to the title.”  —— mrw5euj4c3et3r6snp5akzmz25xhfzp 3158080 3158079 2022-08-26T05:17:14Z BD2412 3982 /* Fire Study */ header level wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Maria V. Snyder|Maria V. Snyder]]''' (born April 15, 1973) is an American fantasy and science fiction author best known for her ''Study Series''. It is the first Serie of the '''Chronicles of Ixia''' that introduces the reader to Yelena, a young woman who committed the murder of General Brazell only son, she stays for almost two years in the dungeon until she is taken to Valek, Commander Ambrose's Chief of Security, to dictate her execution, but he give her an option, she will became the new food tester of the Commander, where the training can be lethal and she can die in the next bite. ==Quotes== === Poison Study === *“Locked in darkness that surrounded me like a coffin, I had nothing to distract me from my memories.” *“I am not a fool.” *“To Yelena, our newest food taster. May you last longer than your predecessor.” *“His movements were so graceful that I wondered if he had been a dancer, but his words betrayed to me that his fluid gestures were those of a trained killer.” *“I did what any good rat would do. I bit down on the guard's hand until I tasted blood.” *“It's a dirty way to fight, but I'm late for lunch." *“You're easily distracted by the pattern of the cloth and can't see the quality of the threads.” *“Poisoned, pursued and living with a psychopath. Not what I would consider the good life. Death has its perks.” *“Only the weak invite their demons to live with them. Isn't that right?” *“Everyone makes choices in life. Some bad, some good. It's called living, and if you want to bow out, then go right ahead. But don't do it halfway. Don't linger in whiner's limbo.” *“When you warned me that you would test me from time to time, I thought you meant spiking my food. But it seems there is more than one way to poison a person’s heart, and it doesn’t even require a meal.” *“Trusting is hard. Knowing who to trust, even harder.” *“Besides, thinking kind thoughts about Valek could be extremely dangerous. I could admire his skills, and be relieved when he was on my side in a fight. But for a rat to like the cat? That scenario ended only one way. With one dead rat.” *“I balled my hands into tight fists to keep them from wrapping around Mr. I-Know-Everything's superior neck.” *“Knowledge, whatever the form, could be as effective as a weapon.” *“I hate a mystery. I would have let the identity of the Commander’s successor remain a secret, as I have for fifteen years, but tonight’s opportunity was too tempting. With eight drunken Generals sleeping it off, I could have danced on their beds without waking them." *“They actually think I would abandon the Commander. they have no concept of loyalty.” *“Sieges weathered, fight together, friends forever.” *“The uniform enhanced his athletic body, and my thoughts drifted to how magnificent he would look with his uniform puddled around his feet.” *“One, and two, and three, four, five. Keep fighting like this and you will die," Janco sang.” *“I didn’t want or expect this. But I couldn’t resist you.” *“But for a rat to like the cat? That scenario ended only one way. With one dead rat.” *“When I carved this statue, I was thinking about you. Delicate in appearance, but with a strength unnoticed at first glance.” His eyes met mine.” *“I peered deeper and found my soul. A little tattered and with some holes, but there all the same. It had always been there, I realized with shock.” *“I understood that Valek’s loyalty to the Commander was without question. His blue eyes held a fierce determination and I knew in my soul that Valek would take his own life after he had taken mine.” *“Two men. I had just killed two men. A killing machine, I hadn't even hesitated. Fear and rage settled deep in my chest, forming a layer of ice around my heart.” *“But you've slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart.” —— “Anyway, the odds were against you. Most lost big, while only a few—” Rand paused dramatically “—won big.” “Since you’re here, I suppose you won big.” He smiled. “Yelena, I’m always going to bet on you. You’re like one of the Commander’s terriers. A tiny, yappy dog you wouldn’t look at twice, but once it grabs your pant leg, it won’t let go.” “Poison the dog’s meat and it won’t bother you anymore.” —— “I didn't expect a knife, though. Is it the one missing from the kitchen?" "Did Rand report it?" I felt betrayed. Why hadn't he just asked for it back? "No. It just makes sense to keep track of large kitchen knives, so when one goes missing you're not surprised when someone attacks you with it. —— “What have I earned from you, Valek? Loyalty? Respect? Trust?" "You have my attention. But give me what I want, and you can have everything.” —— “Yelena.” I halted in the doorway, looking back over my shoulder. “You once said I wasn’t ready to believe your reason for killing Reyad. I’ll believe you now.” “But I’m not ready to tell you,” I said and left the room.”  —— “There’s an arrest warrant out for her. Did you even consider taking her to the Commander?” “No.” “Why not?” Valek didn’t try to hide his disbelief. “Killing isn’t the only solution to a problem. Or has that been yourformula?” “ My formula! Excuse me, Mr. Assassin, while I laugh as I remember my history lessons on how to deal with a tyrannical monarch by killing him and his family.” Valek flashed me a dangerous look.” —— “Yelena, you've driven me crazy. You've caused me considerable trouble and I've contemplated ending your life twice since I've known you." Valek's warm breath in my ear sent a shiver down my spine. "But you’ve slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart.” “That sounds more like a poison than a person,” was all I could say. His confession had both shocked and thrilled me. “Exactly,” Valek replied. “You have poisoned me.” —— “An execution order hasn’t kept us apart before. There are ways to get around it. We will be together.” “Is that an order?” “No, a promise.” —— “Back so soon?" he asked. "Too bad. I was just about to organize a search for your dead body. What happened when you knocked on the southerner magician's door to sacrifice yourself? Did they kick you out, thinking you too half-witted to waste their time on?” —— “Well, Valek, any new promotions?” the Commander asked “No. But Maren shows promise. Unfortunately she doesn’t want to be in my corps or even be my second.She just wants to beat me.” Valek grinned, delighted by the challenge. “And can she?” the Commander inquired. His eyebrows rose. “With time and the proper training. She’s deadly with her bow; it’s just her tactics that need work.” “Then what do we do with her?” “Promote her to General and retire some of those old wind-bags. We could use some fresh blood in the upper ranks.” “Valek, you never had a good grasp of military structure.” “Then promote her to First Lieutenant today, Captain tomorrow, Major the next day, Colonel the day after, and General the day after that.” “I’ll take it under advisement.” —— “It’s your fault. I was defending you!” I blurted. He paused. “In protecting my honor, you exposed months of work. I should be flattered?” —— === Magic Study === * “I took three steps and was wrapped in his arms, where I belonged. No confusion here. No worries here. No troubles here.”  * “Many have tried to kill us. All have failed. * “When I carved this, my thoughts were on you, love. Your life is like this snake's coils. No matter how many turns it makes, you'll end up back where you belong. With me.”  * “I’ll have you know that the most delicate flowers often produce the strongest scent when crushed.”  * “Her amber eyes burned into mine with all the hate and loathing she could muster. Underneath, though, she was terrified. Hate and loathing didn't bother me, but fear was a powerful emotion. Fear causes the dog to bite and Roze was one bitch.”  * “Don't feel ashamed for having those feelings and those memories. What happened in the past can't be changed, but they can be a guide for what happens in the future.”  * “Bad dreams are ghosts of our fears and worries, haunting us while we sleep. I doubt Valek is in trouble.”  * “Trust, Kiki said, Trust is peppermints.” * “I gave him a bored look. I had been threatened many times before and had learned that the men who didn’t make verbal threats were the most dangerous.”  * “Your fear remains strong. You are not ready to face your story, preferring instead to surround yourself with knots. Someday, they will strangle you.”  * “Pretty stupid,” I called after his retreating form. “To give up before all possible solutions have been tried.” * “I wanted to dissolve into the floor, mixing myself with the hard stone. A stone had a single purpose: to be. No complicated promises, no worries and no feelings.”  * “Should haves lead to death”  * “Unfortunately, diplomacy was a dance I needed to learn.” —— “In the end, only Leif believed that you were still alive. He thought you might be hiding somewhere, playing a game. As the rest of us grieved, Leif searched the jungle for you day after day.” “When did he finally stop?” I asked. “Yesterday.”  —— “Living is a risk,' I snapped at him. 'Every decision, every interaction, every step, every time you get out of bed in the morning, you take a risk. To survive is to know you're taking that risk and to not get out of bed clutching illusions of safety.”  —— “He made a weak attempt to look innocent, but I knew better. 'Should I guess how many concealed weapons you have or should I strip search you?' 'A strip search is the only way to be absolutely certain.' Valek's deep blue eyes danced with delight.”  —— “Why did Mother ask you to help me rescue Gelsi?" I asked Leif. "She thought I could assist you in some way. Instead, I had tried to-" "Kill me? You can join the 'I Want to Kill Yelena Guild.' I hear they have six members in good standing. Valek is president since he had wanted to kill me twice." —— “Another relative?" Valek asked. A broad smile stretched Moon Man's lips. "Yes. I am her mother's uncle's wife's third cousin." --Valek and Moon Man”  —— “Your mother sounds like a formidable woman," Valek said into the silence. "You have no idea," Leif replied with a sigh. "Well, if she's anything like Yelena, my deepest sympathies," Valek teased. "Hey!" Leif laughed and the tense moment dissipated. Valek handed Leif his machete. "Do you know how to use it?" "Of course. I chopped Yelena's bow into firewood," Leif joked.”  —— “Don't worry. I'm only your escort tonight. I would offer to protect you from the drunken attentions of the other men, but I know all to well that you're quite capagble of holding your own. You're probably armed. Right?" Always.”  —— “Pushing magic toward the candle, I willed it to light. Nothing happened. Irys made a strangled sound and the candle burned. “Are you directing your magic to the candle?” “Yes. Why?” “You just ordered me to light the candle for you,” Irys said in exasperation. “And I did it.”  —— “I'd wish you luck, but I don't think it would help.' 'Why not?' 'My lady, you make your own luck.” —— “How did you—” “Fool your guards? They’re not very good. They forgot to check the ceiling for spiders.” Valek grinned. His angular face softened. Startled, I realized he wasn’t in disguise. “This is dangerous.” “I knew falling for you was dangerous, love.”  —— “A little present from my run-in with a sword. Or should I say from when the sword had a run-in with me?” His eyes lit up. “Want to see the scar? It’s cool.” He started pulling his shirt out of his pants. “Janco,” Ari warned. “We’re not supposed to be fraternizing with the Sitians.” “But she’s not Sitian. Right, Yelena? You haven’t gone south on us, have you?” Janco’s voice held mock horror. “Because if you have I can’t give you your present.” I took my switchblade out, showing the inscription to Janco. “What about ‘Sieges weathered, fight together, friends forever’? Does that change if I become an official southerner?” Janco rubbed the hair on his chin, considering.  “No,” Ari said. “You could change into a goat and it would still apply.”  —— “You look like hell,' he said to me in a low voice. 'Gee, Dax, don’t coat it with honey. Tell me what you really think,' I said.”  —— “If you don’t come back to the Keep, then I’ll be right. And every time you see me, I’ll be insufferably smug.” “And how’s that different from now?” He laughed and I could see the young carefree boy he had been in his eyes. “You’ve only had a small glimpse of how insufferable and annoying I can be. As the older brother, it’s my birthright.”  —— “He pulled my arm out to expose my bracelet. "When I carved this, my thoughts were on you, love. Your life is like this snake's coils. No matter how many turns it makes, you'll end up back where you belong. With me." His sapphire eyes held a promise. ” —— “Do you really want to know why you lost?” I asked. “Do you really have an answer?” he countered. “You need to get off your horse and run with your men. You don’t have the stamina for a long fight. And find a lighter sword.” “But it was my uncle’s.” “You’re not your uncle.” “But I’m the King, and this is the King’s sword,” Cahil said. His brows creased together. He seemed confused. “So wear it to your coronation,” I said. “If you use it in battle, you’ll be wearing it to your funeral,” I said.”  —— “In keeping with his cryptic nature, all your Story Weaver said was 'The horses know where to go.' It's certainly not a military strategy I would use, but I've learned that the south uses its own strategy. And, strangely enough, it works.”  —— === Fire Study === * “There's always another storm. It's the way the world works. Snowstorms, rainstorms, windstorms, sandstorms, and firestorms. Some are fierce and others are small. You have to deal with each one separately, but you need to keep an eye on whats brewing for tomorrow.”  * “Nothing like having a warrant for your execution to get a girl motivated.”  * “You asked how I can be so calm. I don't have time not to be. I would like to grieve and worry and carry on, but that doesn't achieve results.”  * “You should know what happens when you play with fire, Cahill. Eventually, you'll get burned.”  * “It's the problem with mistakes, they tend to linger.”  * “He was the test I hadn’t studied for, the quiz I was bound to fail. Out of my depth.”  —— “The others had taken Valek's return in stride, although Janco made a comment about Valek's lack of hair. 'You ever notice how couples start to look alike?' he asked.  In a deadpan, Valek replied, 'Yes. In fact I was just thinking how much you and Topaz resemble each other. It's uncanny.”  —— “Did you live here?" Leif asked. I nodded. "For two years"."Where did you stay?" "I had a room in Valek's suite." Leif shot me an incredulous look. "Boy, you worked fast.”  —— “In the war room, love? What if someone comes in?” I stood and removed his shirt. “Then they’ll have a good story to tell.” “Good?” He adopted the pretense of being offended. “Prove me wrong.”  —— “Lief. That's not nice, considering all your sister has done for you," admonished Perl. "Oh right. How could I forget that she made me bait for a snake, left me on house arrest in Ixia, and smuggled me into the Keep in a coffin.”  —— “I had hoped to hear everyone discussing how much they missed my altruistic qualities, my legendary skills as a fighter and as a lover." He leered. "Instead, you're making plans for tomorrow. Interesting how life goes on in spite of itself.”  —— “I had hoped to hear everyone discussing how much they missed my altruistic qualities, my legendary skills as a fighter and as a lover." He leered. "Instead, you're making plans for tomorrow. Interesting how life goes on in spite of itself.”  —— “When I failed to move, Valek pushed me off the mat and curled in my place under the covers. “Ahh. Still warm.” “You’re evil,” I said, but he feigned sleep.” —— “Getting killed would have been easier. No guilt. No worries. No fear. Caring for someone is terrible and wonderful. I don't know if I have the strength to do it for another. How do you deal with it?" "I focus on the wonderful parts and suffer through the terrible parts, knowing it will end eventually.”  —— “You said I was afraid to come back to the Keep. Well—” I spread my arms wide, flinging drops of water onto Leif’s green tunic “—here I am.” “You are here. I’ll grant you that. But are you unafraid?” “I already have a mother and a Story Weaver. Your job is to be the annoying older brother. Stick to what you know.” “Ohhh. I’ve hit a nerve.”  —— “It can’t be good news,” Leif said. “I’d doubt you would brave the weather just to say hello.” “You opened the door before I could knock,” I said. “You must know something’s up.” Leif wiped the rain from his face. “I smelled you coming.” “Smelled?” “You reek of Lavender. Do you bathe in Mother’s perfume or just wash your cloak with it?” he teased. “How mundane. I was thinking of something a little more magical.”  —— “THAT’S PATHETIC, YELENA,” Dax complained. “An all-powerful Soulfinder who isn’t all-powerful. Where’s the fun in that?” He threw up his long thin arms in mock frustration. “Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not the one who attached the ‘all-powerful’ to the title.”  —— ab30dx07qckqlr9tmjo29gcgurxbamj 3158081 3158080 2022-08-26T05:17:36Z BD2412 3982 ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Maria V. Snyder|Maria V. Snyder]]''' (born April 15, 1973) is an American fantasy and science fiction author best known for her ''Study Series''. It is the first Serie of the '''Chronicles of Ixia''' that introduces the reader to Yelena, a young woman who committed the murder of General Brazell only son, she stays for almost two years in the dungeon until she is taken to Valek, Commander Ambrose's Chief of Security, to dictate her execution, but he give her an option, she will became the new food tester of the Commander, where the training can be lethal and she can die in the next bite. ==Quotes== === Poison Study === *“Locked in darkness that surrounded me like a coffin, I had nothing to distract me from my memories.” *“I am not a fool.” *“To Yelena, our newest food taster. May you last longer than your predecessor.” *“His movements were so graceful that I wondered if he had been a dancer, but his words betrayed to me that his fluid gestures were those of a trained killer.” *“I did what any good rat would do. I bit down on the guard's hand until I tasted blood.” *“It's a dirty way to fight, but I'm late for lunch." *“You're easily distracted by the pattern of the cloth and can't see the quality of the threads.” *“Poisoned, pursued and living with a psychopath. Not what I would consider the good life. Death has its perks.” *“Only the weak invite their demons to live with them. Isn't that right?” *“Everyone makes choices in life. Some bad, some good. It's called living, and if you want to bow out, then go right ahead. But don't do it halfway. Don't linger in whiner's limbo.” *“When you warned me that you would test me from time to time, I thought you meant spiking my food. But it seems there is more than one way to poison a person’s heart, and it doesn’t even require a meal.” *“Trusting is hard. Knowing who to trust, even harder.” *“Besides, thinking kind thoughts about Valek could be extremely dangerous. I could admire his skills, and be relieved when he was on my side in a fight. But for a rat to like the cat? That scenario ended only one way. With one dead rat.” *“I balled my hands into tight fists to keep them from wrapping around Mr. I-Know-Everything's superior neck.” *“Knowledge, whatever the form, could be as effective as a weapon.” *“I hate a mystery. I would have let the identity of the Commander’s successor remain a secret, as I have for fifteen years, but tonight’s opportunity was too tempting. With eight drunken Generals sleeping it off, I could have danced on their beds without waking them." *“They actually think I would abandon the Commander. they have no concept of loyalty.” *“Sieges weathered, fight together, friends forever.” *“The uniform enhanced his athletic body, and my thoughts drifted to how magnificent he would look with his uniform puddled around his feet.” *“One, and two, and three, four, five. Keep fighting like this and you will die," Janco sang.” *“I didn’t want or expect this. But I couldn’t resist you.” *“But for a rat to like the cat? That scenario ended only one way. With one dead rat.” *“When I carved this statue, I was thinking about you. Delicate in appearance, but with a strength unnoticed at first glance.” His eyes met mine.” *“I peered deeper and found my soul. A little tattered and with some holes, but there all the same. It had always been there, I realized with shock.” *“I understood that Valek’s loyalty to the Commander was without question. His blue eyes held a fierce determination and I knew in my soul that Valek would take his own life after he had taken mine.” *“Two men. I had just killed two men. A killing machine, I hadn't even hesitated. Fear and rage settled deep in my chest, forming a layer of ice around my heart.” *“But you've slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart.” —— “Anyway, the odds were against you. Most lost big, while only a few—” Rand paused dramatically “—won big.” “Since you’re here, I suppose you won big.” He smiled. “Yelena, I’m always going to bet on you. You’re like one of the Commander’s terriers. A tiny, yappy dog you wouldn’t look at twice, but once it grabs your pant leg, it won’t let go.” “Poison the dog’s meat and it won’t bother you anymore.” —— “I didn't expect a knife, though. Is it the one missing from the kitchen?" "Did Rand report it?" I felt betrayed. Why hadn't he just asked for it back? "No. It just makes sense to keep track of large kitchen knives, so when one goes missing you're not surprised when someone attacks you with it. —— “What have I earned from you, Valek? Loyalty? Respect? Trust?" "You have my attention. But give me what I want, and you can have everything.” —— “Yelena.” I halted in the doorway, looking back over my shoulder. “You once said I wasn’t ready to believe your reason for killing Reyad. I’ll believe you now.” “But I’m not ready to tell you,” I said and left the room.”  —— “There’s an arrest warrant out for her. Did you even consider taking her to the Commander?” “No.” “Why not?” Valek didn’t try to hide his disbelief. “Killing isn’t the only solution to a problem. Or has that been yourformula?” “ My formula! Excuse me, Mr. Assassin, while I laugh as I remember my history lessons on how to deal with a tyrannical monarch by killing him and his family.” Valek flashed me a dangerous look.” —— “Yelena, you've driven me crazy. You've caused me considerable trouble and I've contemplated ending your life twice since I've known you." Valek's warm breath in my ear sent a shiver down my spine. "But you’ve slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart.” “That sounds more like a poison than a person,” was all I could say. His confession had both shocked and thrilled me. “Exactly,” Valek replied. “You have poisoned me.” —— “An execution order hasn’t kept us apart before. There are ways to get around it. We will be together.” “Is that an order?” “No, a promise.” —— “Back so soon?" he asked. "Too bad. I was just about to organize a search for your dead body. What happened when you knocked on the southerner magician's door to sacrifice yourself? Did they kick you out, thinking you too half-witted to waste their time on?” —— “Well, Valek, any new promotions?” the Commander asked “No. But Maren shows promise. Unfortunately she doesn’t want to be in my corps or even be my second.She just wants to beat me.” Valek grinned, delighted by the challenge. “And can she?” the Commander inquired. His eyebrows rose. “With time and the proper training. She’s deadly with her bow; it’s just her tactics that need work.” “Then what do we do with her?” “Promote her to General and retire some of those old wind-bags. We could use some fresh blood in the upper ranks.” “Valek, you never had a good grasp of military structure.” “Then promote her to First Lieutenant today, Captain tomorrow, Major the next day, Colonel the day after, and General the day after that.” “I’ll take it under advisement.” —— “It’s your fault. I was defending you!” I blurted. He paused. “In protecting my honor, you exposed months of work. I should be flattered?” —— === Magic Study === * “I took three steps and was wrapped in his arms, where I belonged. No confusion here. No worries here. No troubles here.”  * “Many have tried to kill us. All have failed. * “When I carved this, my thoughts were on you, love. Your life is like this snake's coils. No matter how many turns it makes, you'll end up back where you belong. With me.”  * “I’ll have you know that the most delicate flowers often produce the strongest scent when crushed.”  * “Her amber eyes burned into mine with all the hate and loathing she could muster. Underneath, though, she was terrified. Hate and loathing didn't bother me, but fear was a powerful emotion. Fear causes the dog to bite and Roze was one bitch.”  * “Don't feel ashamed for having those feelings and those memories. What happened in the past can't be changed, but they can be a guide for what happens in the future.”  * “Bad dreams are ghosts of our fears and worries, haunting us while we sleep. I doubt Valek is in trouble.”  * “Trust, Kiki said, Trust is peppermints.” * “I gave him a bored look. I had been threatened many times before and had learned that the men who didn’t make verbal threats were the most dangerous.”  * “Your fear remains strong. You are not ready to face your story, preferring instead to surround yourself with knots. Someday, they will strangle you.”  * “Pretty stupid,” I called after his retreating form. “To give up before all possible solutions have been tried.” * “I wanted to dissolve into the floor, mixing myself with the hard stone. A stone had a single purpose: to be. No complicated promises, no worries and no feelings.”  * “Should haves lead to death”  * “Unfortunately, diplomacy was a dance I needed to learn.” —— “In the end, only Leif believed that you were still alive. He thought you might be hiding somewhere, playing a game. As the rest of us grieved, Leif searched the jungle for you day after day.” “When did he finally stop?” I asked. “Yesterday.”  —— “Living is a risk,' I snapped at him. 'Every decision, every interaction, every step, every time you get out of bed in the morning, you take a risk. To survive is to know you're taking that risk and to not get out of bed clutching illusions of safety.”  —— “He made a weak attempt to look innocent, but I knew better. 'Should I guess how many concealed weapons you have or should I strip search you?' 'A strip search is the only way to be absolutely certain.' Valek's deep blue eyes danced with delight.”  —— “Why did Mother ask you to help me rescue Gelsi?" I asked Leif. "She thought I could assist you in some way. Instead, I had tried to-" "Kill me? You can join the 'I Want to Kill Yelena Guild.' I hear they have six members in good standing. Valek is president since he had wanted to kill me twice." —— “Another relative?" Valek asked. A broad smile stretched Moon Man's lips. "Yes. I am her mother's uncle's wife's third cousin." --Valek and Moon Man”  —— “Your mother sounds like a formidable woman," Valek said into the silence. "You have no idea," Leif replied with a sigh. "Well, if she's anything like Yelena, my deepest sympathies," Valek teased. "Hey!" Leif laughed and the tense moment dissipated. Valek handed Leif his machete. "Do you know how to use it?" "Of course. I chopped Yelena's bow into firewood," Leif joked.”  —— “Don't worry. I'm only your escort tonight. I would offer to protect you from the drunken attentions of the other men, but I know all to well that you're quite capagble of holding your own. You're probably armed. Right?" Always.”  —— “Pushing magic toward the candle, I willed it to light. Nothing happened. Irys made a strangled sound and the candle burned. “Are you directing your magic to the candle?” “Yes. Why?” “You just ordered me to light the candle for you,” Irys said in exasperation. “And I did it.”  —— “I'd wish you luck, but I don't think it would help.' 'Why not?' 'My lady, you make your own luck.” —— “How did you—” “Fool your guards? They’re not very good. They forgot to check the ceiling for spiders.” Valek grinned. His angular face softened. Startled, I realized he wasn’t in disguise. “This is dangerous.” “I knew falling for you was dangerous, love.”  —— “A little present from my run-in with a sword. Or should I say from when the sword had a run-in with me?” His eyes lit up. “Want to see the scar? It’s cool.” He started pulling his shirt out of his pants. “Janco,” Ari warned. “We’re not supposed to be fraternizing with the Sitians.” “But she’s not Sitian. Right, Yelena? You haven’t gone south on us, have you?” Janco’s voice held mock horror. “Because if you have I can’t give you your present.” I took my switchblade out, showing the inscription to Janco. “What about ‘Sieges weathered, fight together, friends forever’? Does that change if I become an official southerner?” Janco rubbed the hair on his chin, considering.  “No,” Ari said. “You could change into a goat and it would still apply.”  —— “You look like hell,' he said to me in a low voice. 'Gee, Dax, don’t coat it with honey. Tell me what you really think,' I said.”  —— “If you don’t come back to the Keep, then I’ll be right. And every time you see me, I’ll be insufferably smug.” “And how’s that different from now?” He laughed and I could see the young carefree boy he had been in his eyes. “You’ve only had a small glimpse of how insufferable and annoying I can be. As the older brother, it’s my birthright.”  —— “He pulled my arm out to expose my bracelet. "When I carved this, my thoughts were on you, love. Your life is like this snake's coils. No matter how many turns it makes, you'll end up back where you belong. With me." His sapphire eyes held a promise. ” —— “Do you really want to know why you lost?” I asked. “Do you really have an answer?” he countered. “You need to get off your horse and run with your men. You don’t have the stamina for a long fight. And find a lighter sword.” “But it was my uncle’s.” “You’re not your uncle.” “But I’m the King, and this is the King’s sword,” Cahil said. His brows creased together. He seemed confused. “So wear it to your coronation,” I said. “If you use it in battle, you’ll be wearing it to your funeral,” I said.”  —— “In keeping with his cryptic nature, all your Story Weaver said was 'The horses know where to go.' It's certainly not a military strategy I would use, but I've learned that the south uses its own strategy. And, strangely enough, it works.”  —— === Fire Study === * “There's always another storm. It's the way the world works. Snowstorms, rainstorms, windstorms, sandstorms, and firestorms. Some are fierce and others are small. You have to deal with each one separately, but you need to keep an eye on whats brewing for tomorrow.”  * “Nothing like having a warrant for your execution to get a girl motivated.”  * “You asked how I can be so calm. I don't have time not to be. I would like to grieve and worry and carry on, but that doesn't achieve results.”  * “You should know what happens when you play with fire, Cahill. Eventually, you'll get burned.”  * “It's the problem with mistakes, they tend to linger.”  * “He was the test I hadn’t studied for, the quiz I was bound to fail. Out of my depth.”  —— “The others had taken Valek's return in stride, although Janco made a comment about Valek's lack of hair. 'You ever notice how couples start to look alike?' he asked.  In a deadpan, Valek replied, 'Yes. In fact I was just thinking how much you and Topaz resemble each other. It's uncanny.”  —— “Did you live here?" Leif asked. I nodded. "For two years"."Where did you stay?" "I had a room in Valek's suite." Leif shot me an incredulous look. "Boy, you worked fast.”  —— “In the war room, love? What if someone comes in?” I stood and removed his shirt. “Then they’ll have a good story to tell.” “Good?” He adopted the pretense of being offended. “Prove me wrong.”  —— “Lief. That's not nice, considering all your sister has done for you," admonished Perl. "Oh right. How could I forget that she made me bait for a snake, left me on house arrest in Ixia, and smuggled me into the Keep in a coffin.”  —— “I had hoped to hear everyone discussing how much they missed my altruistic qualities, my legendary skills as a fighter and as a lover." He leered. "Instead, you're making plans for tomorrow. Interesting how life goes on in spite of itself.”  —— “I had hoped to hear everyone discussing how much they missed my altruistic qualities, my legendary skills as a fighter and as a lover." He leered. "Instead, you're making plans for tomorrow. Interesting how life goes on in spite of itself.”  —— “When I failed to move, Valek pushed me off the mat and curled in my place under the covers. “Ahh. Still warm.” “You’re evil,” I said, but he feigned sleep.” —— “Getting killed would have been easier. No guilt. No worries. No fear. Caring for someone is terrible and wonderful. I don't know if I have the strength to do it for another. How do you deal with it?" "I focus on the wonderful parts and suffer through the terrible parts, knowing it will end eventually.”  —— “You said I was afraid to come back to the Keep. Well—” I spread my arms wide, flinging drops of water onto Leif’s green tunic “—here I am.” “You are here. I’ll grant you that. But are you unafraid?” “I already have a mother and a Story Weaver. Your job is to be the annoying older brother. Stick to what you know.” “Ohhh. I’ve hit a nerve.”  —— “It can’t be good news,” Leif said. “I’d doubt you would brave the weather just to say hello.” “You opened the door before I could knock,” I said. “You must know something’s up.” Leif wiped the rain from his face. “I smelled you coming.” “Smelled?” “You reek of Lavender. Do you bathe in Mother’s perfume or just wash your cloak with it?” he teased. “How mundane. I was thinking of something a little more magical.”  —— “THAT’S PATHETIC, YELENA,” Dax complained. “An all-powerful Soulfinder who isn’t all-powerful. Where’s the fun in that?” He threw up his long thin arms in mock frustration. “Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not the one who attached the ‘all-powerful’ to the title.”  —— ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} 5mvly3z9tvtyzxts3b8wcweg3rqnn7w 3158082 3158081 2022-08-26T05:17:53Z BD2412 3982 /* External links */ {{DEFAULTSORT:Snyder, Maria V.}} wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Maria V. Snyder|Maria V. Snyder]]''' (born April 15, 1973) is an American fantasy and science fiction author best known for her ''Study Series''. It is the first Serie of the '''Chronicles of Ixia''' that introduces the reader to Yelena, a young woman who committed the murder of General Brazell only son, she stays for almost two years in the dungeon until she is taken to Valek, Commander Ambrose's Chief of Security, to dictate her execution, but he give her an option, she will became the new food tester of the Commander, where the training can be lethal and she can die in the next bite. ==Quotes== === Poison Study === *“Locked in darkness that surrounded me like a coffin, I had nothing to distract me from my memories.” *“I am not a fool.” *“To Yelena, our newest food taster. May you last longer than your predecessor.” *“His movements were so graceful that I wondered if he had been a dancer, but his words betrayed to me that his fluid gestures were those of a trained killer.” *“I did what any good rat would do. I bit down on the guard's hand until I tasted blood.” *“It's a dirty way to fight, but I'm late for lunch." *“You're easily distracted by the pattern of the cloth and can't see the quality of the threads.” *“Poisoned, pursued and living with a psychopath. Not what I would consider the good life. Death has its perks.” *“Only the weak invite their demons to live with them. Isn't that right?” *“Everyone makes choices in life. Some bad, some good. It's called living, and if you want to bow out, then go right ahead. But don't do it halfway. Don't linger in whiner's limbo.” *“When you warned me that you would test me from time to time, I thought you meant spiking my food. But it seems there is more than one way to poison a person’s heart, and it doesn’t even require a meal.” *“Trusting is hard. Knowing who to trust, even harder.” *“Besides, thinking kind thoughts about Valek could be extremely dangerous. I could admire his skills, and be relieved when he was on my side in a fight. But for a rat to like the cat? That scenario ended only one way. With one dead rat.” *“I balled my hands into tight fists to keep them from wrapping around Mr. I-Know-Everything's superior neck.” *“Knowledge, whatever the form, could be as effective as a weapon.” *“I hate a mystery. I would have let the identity of the Commander’s successor remain a secret, as I have for fifteen years, but tonight’s opportunity was too tempting. With eight drunken Generals sleeping it off, I could have danced on their beds without waking them." *“They actually think I would abandon the Commander. they have no concept of loyalty.” *“Sieges weathered, fight together, friends forever.” *“The uniform enhanced his athletic body, and my thoughts drifted to how magnificent he would look with his uniform puddled around his feet.” *“One, and two, and three, four, five. Keep fighting like this and you will die," Janco sang.” *“I didn’t want or expect this. But I couldn’t resist you.” *“But for a rat to like the cat? That scenario ended only one way. With one dead rat.” *“When I carved this statue, I was thinking about you. Delicate in appearance, but with a strength unnoticed at first glance.” His eyes met mine.” *“I peered deeper and found my soul. A little tattered and with some holes, but there all the same. It had always been there, I realized with shock.” *“I understood that Valek’s loyalty to the Commander was without question. His blue eyes held a fierce determination and I knew in my soul that Valek would take his own life after he had taken mine.” *“Two men. I had just killed two men. A killing machine, I hadn't even hesitated. Fear and rage settled deep in my chest, forming a layer of ice around my heart.” *“But you've slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart.” —— “Anyway, the odds were against you. Most lost big, while only a few—” Rand paused dramatically “—won big.” “Since you’re here, I suppose you won big.” He smiled. “Yelena, I’m always going to bet on you. You’re like one of the Commander’s terriers. A tiny, yappy dog you wouldn’t look at twice, but once it grabs your pant leg, it won’t let go.” “Poison the dog’s meat and it won’t bother you anymore.” —— “I didn't expect a knife, though. Is it the one missing from the kitchen?" "Did Rand report it?" I felt betrayed. Why hadn't he just asked for it back? "No. It just makes sense to keep track of large kitchen knives, so when one goes missing you're not surprised when someone attacks you with it. —— “What have I earned from you, Valek? Loyalty? Respect? Trust?" "You have my attention. But give me what I want, and you can have everything.” —— “Yelena.” I halted in the doorway, looking back over my shoulder. “You once said I wasn’t ready to believe your reason for killing Reyad. I’ll believe you now.” “But I’m not ready to tell you,” I said and left the room.”  —— “There’s an arrest warrant out for her. Did you even consider taking her to the Commander?” “No.” “Why not?” Valek didn’t try to hide his disbelief. “Killing isn’t the only solution to a problem. Or has that been yourformula?” “ My formula! Excuse me, Mr. Assassin, while I laugh as I remember my history lessons on how to deal with a tyrannical monarch by killing him and his family.” Valek flashed me a dangerous look.” —— “Yelena, you've driven me crazy. You've caused me considerable trouble and I've contemplated ending your life twice since I've known you." Valek's warm breath in my ear sent a shiver down my spine. "But you’ve slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart.” “That sounds more like a poison than a person,” was all I could say. His confession had both shocked and thrilled me. “Exactly,” Valek replied. “You have poisoned me.” —— “An execution order hasn’t kept us apart before. There are ways to get around it. We will be together.” “Is that an order?” “No, a promise.” —— “Back so soon?" he asked. "Too bad. I was just about to organize a search for your dead body. What happened when you knocked on the southerner magician's door to sacrifice yourself? Did they kick you out, thinking you too half-witted to waste their time on?” —— “Well, Valek, any new promotions?” the Commander asked “No. But Maren shows promise. Unfortunately she doesn’t want to be in my corps or even be my second.She just wants to beat me.” Valek grinned, delighted by the challenge. “And can she?” the Commander inquired. His eyebrows rose. “With time and the proper training. She’s deadly with her bow; it’s just her tactics that need work.” “Then what do we do with her?” “Promote her to General and retire some of those old wind-bags. We could use some fresh blood in the upper ranks.” “Valek, you never had a good grasp of military structure.” “Then promote her to First Lieutenant today, Captain tomorrow, Major the next day, Colonel the day after, and General the day after that.” “I’ll take it under advisement.” —— “It’s your fault. I was defending you!” I blurted. He paused. “In protecting my honor, you exposed months of work. I should be flattered?” —— === Magic Study === * “I took three steps and was wrapped in his arms, where I belonged. No confusion here. No worries here. No troubles here.”  * “Many have tried to kill us. All have failed. * “When I carved this, my thoughts were on you, love. Your life is like this snake's coils. No matter how many turns it makes, you'll end up back where you belong. With me.”  * “I’ll have you know that the most delicate flowers often produce the strongest scent when crushed.”  * “Her amber eyes burned into mine with all the hate and loathing she could muster. Underneath, though, she was terrified. Hate and loathing didn't bother me, but fear was a powerful emotion. Fear causes the dog to bite and Roze was one bitch.”  * “Don't feel ashamed for having those feelings and those memories. What happened in the past can't be changed, but they can be a guide for what happens in the future.”  * “Bad dreams are ghosts of our fears and worries, haunting us while we sleep. I doubt Valek is in trouble.”  * “Trust, Kiki said, Trust is peppermints.” * “I gave him a bored look. I had been threatened many times before and had learned that the men who didn’t make verbal threats were the most dangerous.”  * “Your fear remains strong. You are not ready to face your story, preferring instead to surround yourself with knots. Someday, they will strangle you.”  * “Pretty stupid,” I called after his retreating form. “To give up before all possible solutions have been tried.” * “I wanted to dissolve into the floor, mixing myself with the hard stone. A stone had a single purpose: to be. No complicated promises, no worries and no feelings.”  * “Should haves lead to death”  * “Unfortunately, diplomacy was a dance I needed to learn.” —— “In the end, only Leif believed that you were still alive. He thought you might be hiding somewhere, playing a game. As the rest of us grieved, Leif searched the jungle for you day after day.” “When did he finally stop?” I asked. “Yesterday.”  —— “Living is a risk,' I snapped at him. 'Every decision, every interaction, every step, every time you get out of bed in the morning, you take a risk. To survive is to know you're taking that risk and to not get out of bed clutching illusions of safety.”  —— “He made a weak attempt to look innocent, but I knew better. 'Should I guess how many concealed weapons you have or should I strip search you?' 'A strip search is the only way to be absolutely certain.' Valek's deep blue eyes danced with delight.”  —— “Why did Mother ask you to help me rescue Gelsi?" I asked Leif. "She thought I could assist you in some way. Instead, I had tried to-" "Kill me? You can join the 'I Want to Kill Yelena Guild.' I hear they have six members in good standing. Valek is president since he had wanted to kill me twice." —— “Another relative?" Valek asked. A broad smile stretched Moon Man's lips. "Yes. I am her mother's uncle's wife's third cousin." --Valek and Moon Man”  —— “Your mother sounds like a formidable woman," Valek said into the silence. "You have no idea," Leif replied with a sigh. "Well, if she's anything like Yelena, my deepest sympathies," Valek teased. "Hey!" Leif laughed and the tense moment dissipated. Valek handed Leif his machete. "Do you know how to use it?" "Of course. I chopped Yelena's bow into firewood," Leif joked.”  —— “Don't worry. I'm only your escort tonight. I would offer to protect you from the drunken attentions of the other men, but I know all to well that you're quite capagble of holding your own. You're probably armed. Right?" Always.”  —— “Pushing magic toward the candle, I willed it to light. Nothing happened. Irys made a strangled sound and the candle burned. “Are you directing your magic to the candle?” “Yes. Why?” “You just ordered me to light the candle for you,” Irys said in exasperation. “And I did it.”  —— “I'd wish you luck, but I don't think it would help.' 'Why not?' 'My lady, you make your own luck.” —— “How did you—” “Fool your guards? They’re not very good. They forgot to check the ceiling for spiders.” Valek grinned. His angular face softened. Startled, I realized he wasn’t in disguise. “This is dangerous.” “I knew falling for you was dangerous, love.”  —— “A little present from my run-in with a sword. Or should I say from when the sword had a run-in with me?” His eyes lit up. “Want to see the scar? It’s cool.” He started pulling his shirt out of his pants. “Janco,” Ari warned. “We’re not supposed to be fraternizing with the Sitians.” “But she’s not Sitian. Right, Yelena? You haven’t gone south on us, have you?” Janco’s voice held mock horror. “Because if you have I can’t give you your present.” I took my switchblade out, showing the inscription to Janco. “What about ‘Sieges weathered, fight together, friends forever’? Does that change if I become an official southerner?” Janco rubbed the hair on his chin, considering.  “No,” Ari said. “You could change into a goat and it would still apply.”  —— “You look like hell,' he said to me in a low voice. 'Gee, Dax, don’t coat it with honey. Tell me what you really think,' I said.”  —— “If you don’t come back to the Keep, then I’ll be right. And every time you see me, I’ll be insufferably smug.” “And how’s that different from now?” He laughed and I could see the young carefree boy he had been in his eyes. “You’ve only had a small glimpse of how insufferable and annoying I can be. As the older brother, it’s my birthright.”  —— “He pulled my arm out to expose my bracelet. "When I carved this, my thoughts were on you, love. Your life is like this snake's coils. No matter how many turns it makes, you'll end up back where you belong. With me." His sapphire eyes held a promise. ” —— “Do you really want to know why you lost?” I asked. “Do you really have an answer?” he countered. “You need to get off your horse and run with your men. You don’t have the stamina for a long fight. And find a lighter sword.” “But it was my uncle’s.” “You’re not your uncle.” “But I’m the King, and this is the King’s sword,” Cahil said. His brows creased together. He seemed confused. “So wear it to your coronation,” I said. “If you use it in battle, you’ll be wearing it to your funeral,” I said.”  —— “In keeping with his cryptic nature, all your Story Weaver said was 'The horses know where to go.' It's certainly not a military strategy I would use, but I've learned that the south uses its own strategy. And, strangely enough, it works.”  —— === Fire Study === * “There's always another storm. It's the way the world works. Snowstorms, rainstorms, windstorms, sandstorms, and firestorms. Some are fierce and others are small. You have to deal with each one separately, but you need to keep an eye on whats brewing for tomorrow.”  * “Nothing like having a warrant for your execution to get a girl motivated.”  * “You asked how I can be so calm. I don't have time not to be. I would like to grieve and worry and carry on, but that doesn't achieve results.”  * “You should know what happens when you play with fire, Cahill. Eventually, you'll get burned.”  * “It's the problem with mistakes, they tend to linger.”  * “He was the test I hadn’t studied for, the quiz I was bound to fail. Out of my depth.”  —— “The others had taken Valek's return in stride, although Janco made a comment about Valek's lack of hair. 'You ever notice how couples start to look alike?' he asked.  In a deadpan, Valek replied, 'Yes. In fact I was just thinking how much you and Topaz resemble each other. It's uncanny.”  —— “Did you live here?" Leif asked. I nodded. "For two years"."Where did you stay?" "I had a room in Valek's suite." Leif shot me an incredulous look. "Boy, you worked fast.”  —— “In the war room, love? What if someone comes in?” I stood and removed his shirt. “Then they’ll have a good story to tell.” “Good?” He adopted the pretense of being offended. “Prove me wrong.”  —— “Lief. That's not nice, considering all your sister has done for you," admonished Perl. "Oh right. How could I forget that she made me bait for a snake, left me on house arrest in Ixia, and smuggled me into the Keep in a coffin.”  —— “I had hoped to hear everyone discussing how much they missed my altruistic qualities, my legendary skills as a fighter and as a lover." He leered. "Instead, you're making plans for tomorrow. Interesting how life goes on in spite of itself.”  —— “I had hoped to hear everyone discussing how much they missed my altruistic qualities, my legendary skills as a fighter and as a lover." He leered. "Instead, you're making plans for tomorrow. Interesting how life goes on in spite of itself.”  —— “When I failed to move, Valek pushed me off the mat and curled in my place under the covers. “Ahh. Still warm.” “You’re evil,” I said, but he feigned sleep.” —— “Getting killed would have been easier. No guilt. No worries. No fear. Caring for someone is terrible and wonderful. I don't know if I have the strength to do it for another. How do you deal with it?" "I focus on the wonderful parts and suffer through the terrible parts, knowing it will end eventually.”  —— “You said I was afraid to come back to the Keep. Well—” I spread my arms wide, flinging drops of water onto Leif’s green tunic “—here I am.” “You are here. I’ll grant you that. But are you unafraid?” “I already have a mother and a Story Weaver. Your job is to be the annoying older brother. Stick to what you know.” “Ohhh. I’ve hit a nerve.”  —— “It can’t be good news,” Leif said. “I’d doubt you would brave the weather just to say hello.” “You opened the door before I could knock,” I said. “You must know something’s up.” Leif wiped the rain from his face. “I smelled you coming.” “Smelled?” “You reek of Lavender. Do you bathe in Mother’s perfume or just wash your cloak with it?” he teased. “How mundane. I was thinking of something a little more magical.”  —— “THAT’S PATHETIC, YELENA,” Dax complained. “An all-powerful Soulfinder who isn’t all-powerful. Where’s the fun in that?” He threw up his long thin arms in mock frustration. “Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not the one who attached the ‘all-powerful’ to the title.”  —— ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Snyder, Maria V.}} s2tv7173a1gue1u6crxfs0hcqynk4gq 3158083 3158082 2022-08-26T05:18:01Z BD2412 3982 added [[Category:Authors from the United States]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Maria V. Snyder|Maria V. Snyder]]''' (born April 15, 1973) is an American fantasy and science fiction author best known for her ''Study Series''. It is the first Serie of the '''Chronicles of Ixia''' that introduces the reader to Yelena, a young woman who committed the murder of General Brazell only son, she stays for almost two years in the dungeon until she is taken to Valek, Commander Ambrose's Chief of Security, to dictate her execution, but he give her an option, she will became the new food tester of the Commander, where the training can be lethal and she can die in the next bite. ==Quotes== === Poison Study === *“Locked in darkness that surrounded me like a coffin, I had nothing to distract me from my memories.” *“I am not a fool.” *“To Yelena, our newest food taster. May you last longer than your predecessor.” *“His movements were so graceful that I wondered if he had been a dancer, but his words betrayed to me that his fluid gestures were those of a trained killer.” *“I did what any good rat would do. I bit down on the guard's hand until I tasted blood.” *“It's a dirty way to fight, but I'm late for lunch." *“You're easily distracted by the pattern of the cloth and can't see the quality of the threads.” *“Poisoned, pursued and living with a psychopath. Not what I would consider the good life. Death has its perks.” *“Only the weak invite their demons to live with them. Isn't that right?” *“Everyone makes choices in life. Some bad, some good. It's called living, and if you want to bow out, then go right ahead. But don't do it halfway. Don't linger in whiner's limbo.” *“When you warned me that you would test me from time to time, I thought you meant spiking my food. But it seems there is more than one way to poison a person’s heart, and it doesn’t even require a meal.” *“Trusting is hard. Knowing who to trust, even harder.” *“Besides, thinking kind thoughts about Valek could be extremely dangerous. I could admire his skills, and be relieved when he was on my side in a fight. But for a rat to like the cat? That scenario ended only one way. With one dead rat.” *“I balled my hands into tight fists to keep them from wrapping around Mr. I-Know-Everything's superior neck.” *“Knowledge, whatever the form, could be as effective as a weapon.” *“I hate a mystery. I would have let the identity of the Commander’s successor remain a secret, as I have for fifteen years, but tonight’s opportunity was too tempting. With eight drunken Generals sleeping it off, I could have danced on their beds without waking them." *“They actually think I would abandon the Commander. they have no concept of loyalty.” *“Sieges weathered, fight together, friends forever.” *“The uniform enhanced his athletic body, and my thoughts drifted to how magnificent he would look with his uniform puddled around his feet.” *“One, and two, and three, four, five. Keep fighting like this and you will die," Janco sang.” *“I didn’t want or expect this. But I couldn’t resist you.” *“But for a rat to like the cat? That scenario ended only one way. With one dead rat.” *“When I carved this statue, I was thinking about you. Delicate in appearance, but with a strength unnoticed at first glance.” His eyes met mine.” *“I peered deeper and found my soul. A little tattered and with some holes, but there all the same. It had always been there, I realized with shock.” *“I understood that Valek’s loyalty to the Commander was without question. His blue eyes held a fierce determination and I knew in my soul that Valek would take his own life after he had taken mine.” *“Two men. I had just killed two men. A killing machine, I hadn't even hesitated. Fear and rage settled deep in my chest, forming a layer of ice around my heart.” *“But you've slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart.” —— “Anyway, the odds were against you. Most lost big, while only a few—” Rand paused dramatically “—won big.” “Since you’re here, I suppose you won big.” He smiled. “Yelena, I’m always going to bet on you. You’re like one of the Commander’s terriers. A tiny, yappy dog you wouldn’t look at twice, but once it grabs your pant leg, it won’t let go.” “Poison the dog’s meat and it won’t bother you anymore.” —— “I didn't expect a knife, though. Is it the one missing from the kitchen?" "Did Rand report it?" I felt betrayed. Why hadn't he just asked for it back? "No. It just makes sense to keep track of large kitchen knives, so when one goes missing you're not surprised when someone attacks you with it. —— “What have I earned from you, Valek? Loyalty? Respect? Trust?" "You have my attention. But give me what I want, and you can have everything.” —— “Yelena.” I halted in the doorway, looking back over my shoulder. “You once said I wasn’t ready to believe your reason for killing Reyad. I’ll believe you now.” “But I’m not ready to tell you,” I said and left the room.”  —— “There’s an arrest warrant out for her. Did you even consider taking her to the Commander?” “No.” “Why not?” Valek didn’t try to hide his disbelief. “Killing isn’t the only solution to a problem. Or has that been yourformula?” “ My formula! Excuse me, Mr. Assassin, while I laugh as I remember my history lessons on how to deal with a tyrannical monarch by killing him and his family.” Valek flashed me a dangerous look.” —— “Yelena, you've driven me crazy. You've caused me considerable trouble and I've contemplated ending your life twice since I've known you." Valek's warm breath in my ear sent a shiver down my spine. "But you’ve slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart.” “That sounds more like a poison than a person,” was all I could say. His confession had both shocked and thrilled me. “Exactly,” Valek replied. “You have poisoned me.” —— “An execution order hasn’t kept us apart before. There are ways to get around it. We will be together.” “Is that an order?” “No, a promise.” —— “Back so soon?" he asked. "Too bad. I was just about to organize a search for your dead body. What happened when you knocked on the southerner magician's door to sacrifice yourself? Did they kick you out, thinking you too half-witted to waste their time on?” —— “Well, Valek, any new promotions?” the Commander asked “No. But Maren shows promise. Unfortunately she doesn’t want to be in my corps or even be my second.She just wants to beat me.” Valek grinned, delighted by the challenge. “And can she?” the Commander inquired. His eyebrows rose. “With time and the proper training. She’s deadly with her bow; it’s just her tactics that need work.” “Then what do we do with her?” “Promote her to General and retire some of those old wind-bags. We could use some fresh blood in the upper ranks.” “Valek, you never had a good grasp of military structure.” “Then promote her to First Lieutenant today, Captain tomorrow, Major the next day, Colonel the day after, and General the day after that.” “I’ll take it under advisement.” —— “It’s your fault. I was defending you!” I blurted. He paused. “In protecting my honor, you exposed months of work. I should be flattered?” —— === Magic Study === * “I took three steps and was wrapped in his arms, where I belonged. No confusion here. No worries here. No troubles here.”  * “Many have tried to kill us. All have failed. * “When I carved this, my thoughts were on you, love. Your life is like this snake's coils. No matter how many turns it makes, you'll end up back where you belong. With me.”  * “I’ll have you know that the most delicate flowers often produce the strongest scent when crushed.”  * “Her amber eyes burned into mine with all the hate and loathing she could muster. Underneath, though, she was terrified. Hate and loathing didn't bother me, but fear was a powerful emotion. Fear causes the dog to bite and Roze was one bitch.”  * “Don't feel ashamed for having those feelings and those memories. What happened in the past can't be changed, but they can be a guide for what happens in the future.”  * “Bad dreams are ghosts of our fears and worries, haunting us while we sleep. I doubt Valek is in trouble.”  * “Trust, Kiki said, Trust is peppermints.” * “I gave him a bored look. I had been threatened many times before and had learned that the men who didn’t make verbal threats were the most dangerous.”  * “Your fear remains strong. You are not ready to face your story, preferring instead to surround yourself with knots. Someday, they will strangle you.”  * “Pretty stupid,” I called after his retreating form. “To give up before all possible solutions have been tried.” * “I wanted to dissolve into the floor, mixing myself with the hard stone. A stone had a single purpose: to be. No complicated promises, no worries and no feelings.”  * “Should haves lead to death”  * “Unfortunately, diplomacy was a dance I needed to learn.” —— “In the end, only Leif believed that you were still alive. He thought you might be hiding somewhere, playing a game. As the rest of us grieved, Leif searched the jungle for you day after day.” “When did he finally stop?” I asked. “Yesterday.”  —— “Living is a risk,' I snapped at him. 'Every decision, every interaction, every step, every time you get out of bed in the morning, you take a risk. To survive is to know you're taking that risk and to not get out of bed clutching illusions of safety.”  —— “He made a weak attempt to look innocent, but I knew better. 'Should I guess how many concealed weapons you have or should I strip search you?' 'A strip search is the only way to be absolutely certain.' Valek's deep blue eyes danced with delight.”  —— “Why did Mother ask you to help me rescue Gelsi?" I asked Leif. "She thought I could assist you in some way. Instead, I had tried to-" "Kill me? You can join the 'I Want to Kill Yelena Guild.' I hear they have six members in good standing. Valek is president since he had wanted to kill me twice." —— “Another relative?" Valek asked. A broad smile stretched Moon Man's lips. "Yes. I am her mother's uncle's wife's third cousin." --Valek and Moon Man”  —— “Your mother sounds like a formidable woman," Valek said into the silence. "You have no idea," Leif replied with a sigh. "Well, if she's anything like Yelena, my deepest sympathies," Valek teased. "Hey!" Leif laughed and the tense moment dissipated. Valek handed Leif his machete. "Do you know how to use it?" "Of course. I chopped Yelena's bow into firewood," Leif joked.”  —— “Don't worry. I'm only your escort tonight. I would offer to protect you from the drunken attentions of the other men, but I know all to well that you're quite capagble of holding your own. You're probably armed. Right?" Always.”  —— “Pushing magic toward the candle, I willed it to light. Nothing happened. Irys made a strangled sound and the candle burned. “Are you directing your magic to the candle?” “Yes. Why?” “You just ordered me to light the candle for you,” Irys said in exasperation. “And I did it.”  —— “I'd wish you luck, but I don't think it would help.' 'Why not?' 'My lady, you make your own luck.” —— “How did you—” “Fool your guards? They’re not very good. They forgot to check the ceiling for spiders.” Valek grinned. His angular face softened. Startled, I realized he wasn’t in disguise. “This is dangerous.” “I knew falling for you was dangerous, love.”  —— “A little present from my run-in with a sword. Or should I say from when the sword had a run-in with me?” His eyes lit up. “Want to see the scar? It’s cool.” He started pulling his shirt out of his pants. “Janco,” Ari warned. “We’re not supposed to be fraternizing with the Sitians.” “But she’s not Sitian. Right, Yelena? You haven’t gone south on us, have you?” Janco’s voice held mock horror. “Because if you have I can’t give you your present.” I took my switchblade out, showing the inscription to Janco. “What about ‘Sieges weathered, fight together, friends forever’? Does that change if I become an official southerner?” Janco rubbed the hair on his chin, considering.  “No,” Ari said. “You could change into a goat and it would still apply.”  —— “You look like hell,' he said to me in a low voice. 'Gee, Dax, don’t coat it with honey. Tell me what you really think,' I said.”  —— “If you don’t come back to the Keep, then I’ll be right. And every time you see me, I’ll be insufferably smug.” “And how’s that different from now?” He laughed and I could see the young carefree boy he had been in his eyes. “You’ve only had a small glimpse of how insufferable and annoying I can be. As the older brother, it’s my birthright.”  —— “He pulled my arm out to expose my bracelet. "When I carved this, my thoughts were on you, love. Your life is like this snake's coils. No matter how many turns it makes, you'll end up back where you belong. With me." His sapphire eyes held a promise. ” —— “Do you really want to know why you lost?” I asked. “Do you really have an answer?” he countered. “You need to get off your horse and run with your men. You don’t have the stamina for a long fight. And find a lighter sword.” “But it was my uncle’s.” “You’re not your uncle.” “But I’m the King, and this is the King’s sword,” Cahil said. His brows creased together. He seemed confused. “So wear it to your coronation,” I said. “If you use it in battle, you’ll be wearing it to your funeral,” I said.”  —— “In keeping with his cryptic nature, all your Story Weaver said was 'The horses know where to go.' It's certainly not a military strategy I would use, but I've learned that the south uses its own strategy. And, strangely enough, it works.”  —— === Fire Study === * “There's always another storm. It's the way the world works. Snowstorms, rainstorms, windstorms, sandstorms, and firestorms. Some are fierce and others are small. You have to deal with each one separately, but you need to keep an eye on whats brewing for tomorrow.”  * “Nothing like having a warrant for your execution to get a girl motivated.”  * “You asked how I can be so calm. I don't have time not to be. I would like to grieve and worry and carry on, but that doesn't achieve results.”  * “You should know what happens when you play with fire, Cahill. Eventually, you'll get burned.”  * “It's the problem with mistakes, they tend to linger.”  * “He was the test I hadn’t studied for, the quiz I was bound to fail. Out of my depth.”  —— “The others had taken Valek's return in stride, although Janco made a comment about Valek's lack of hair. 'You ever notice how couples start to look alike?' he asked.  In a deadpan, Valek replied, 'Yes. In fact I was just thinking how much you and Topaz resemble each other. It's uncanny.”  —— “Did you live here?" Leif asked. I nodded. "For two years"."Where did you stay?" "I had a room in Valek's suite." Leif shot me an incredulous look. "Boy, you worked fast.”  —— “In the war room, love? What if someone comes in?” I stood and removed his shirt. “Then they’ll have a good story to tell.” “Good?” He adopted the pretense of being offended. “Prove me wrong.”  —— “Lief. That's not nice, considering all your sister has done for you," admonished Perl. "Oh right. How could I forget that she made me bait for a snake, left me on house arrest in Ixia, and smuggled me into the Keep in a coffin.”  —— “I had hoped to hear everyone discussing how much they missed my altruistic qualities, my legendary skills as a fighter and as a lover." He leered. "Instead, you're making plans for tomorrow. Interesting how life goes on in spite of itself.”  —— “I had hoped to hear everyone discussing how much they missed my altruistic qualities, my legendary skills as a fighter and as a lover." He leered. "Instead, you're making plans for tomorrow. Interesting how life goes on in spite of itself.”  —— “When I failed to move, Valek pushed me off the mat and curled in my place under the covers. “Ahh. Still warm.” “You’re evil,” I said, but he feigned sleep.” —— “Getting killed would have been easier. No guilt. No worries. No fear. Caring for someone is terrible and wonderful. I don't know if I have the strength to do it for another. How do you deal with it?" "I focus on the wonderful parts and suffer through the terrible parts, knowing it will end eventually.”  —— “You said I was afraid to come back to the Keep. Well—” I spread my arms wide, flinging drops of water onto Leif’s green tunic “—here I am.” “You are here. I’ll grant you that. But are you unafraid?” “I already have a mother and a Story Weaver. Your job is to be the annoying older brother. Stick to what you know.” “Ohhh. I’ve hit a nerve.”  —— “It can’t be good news,” Leif said. “I’d doubt you would brave the weather just to say hello.” “You opened the door before I could knock,” I said. “You must know something’s up.” Leif wiped the rain from his face. “I smelled you coming.” “Smelled?” “You reek of Lavender. Do you bathe in Mother’s perfume or just wash your cloak with it?” he teased. “How mundane. I was thinking of something a little more magical.”  —— “THAT’S PATHETIC, YELENA,” Dax complained. “An all-powerful Soulfinder who isn’t all-powerful. Where’s the fun in that?” He threw up his long thin arms in mock frustration. “Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not the one who attached the ‘all-powerful’ to the title.”  —— ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Snyder, Maria V.}} [[Category:Authors from the United States]] ct4sojgfykq40fswuljc6n2a37hcdqc 3158084 3158083 2022-08-26T05:18:09Z BD2412 3982 added [[Category:Science fiction authors from the United States]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Maria V. Snyder|Maria V. Snyder]]''' (born April 15, 1973) is an American fantasy and science fiction author best known for her ''Study Series''. It is the first Serie of the '''Chronicles of Ixia''' that introduces the reader to Yelena, a young woman who committed the murder of General Brazell only son, she stays for almost two years in the dungeon until she is taken to Valek, Commander Ambrose's Chief of Security, to dictate her execution, but he give her an option, she will became the new food tester of the Commander, where the training can be lethal and she can die in the next bite. ==Quotes== === Poison Study === *“Locked in darkness that surrounded me like a coffin, I had nothing to distract me from my memories.” *“I am not a fool.” *“To Yelena, our newest food taster. May you last longer than your predecessor.” *“His movements were so graceful that I wondered if he had been a dancer, but his words betrayed to me that his fluid gestures were those of a trained killer.” *“I did what any good rat would do. I bit down on the guard's hand until I tasted blood.” *“It's a dirty way to fight, but I'm late for lunch." *“You're easily distracted by the pattern of the cloth and can't see the quality of the threads.” *“Poisoned, pursued and living with a psychopath. Not what I would consider the good life. Death has its perks.” *“Only the weak invite their demons to live with them. Isn't that right?” *“Everyone makes choices in life. Some bad, some good. It's called living, and if you want to bow out, then go right ahead. But don't do it halfway. Don't linger in whiner's limbo.” *“When you warned me that you would test me from time to time, I thought you meant spiking my food. But it seems there is more than one way to poison a person’s heart, and it doesn’t even require a meal.” *“Trusting is hard. Knowing who to trust, even harder.” *“Besides, thinking kind thoughts about Valek could be extremely dangerous. I could admire his skills, and be relieved when he was on my side in a fight. But for a rat to like the cat? That scenario ended only one way. With one dead rat.” *“I balled my hands into tight fists to keep them from wrapping around Mr. I-Know-Everything's superior neck.” *“Knowledge, whatever the form, could be as effective as a weapon.” *“I hate a mystery. I would have let the identity of the Commander’s successor remain a secret, as I have for fifteen years, but tonight’s opportunity was too tempting. With eight drunken Generals sleeping it off, I could have danced on their beds without waking them." *“They actually think I would abandon the Commander. they have no concept of loyalty.” *“Sieges weathered, fight together, friends forever.” *“The uniform enhanced his athletic body, and my thoughts drifted to how magnificent he would look with his uniform puddled around his feet.” *“One, and two, and three, four, five. Keep fighting like this and you will die," Janco sang.” *“I didn’t want or expect this. But I couldn’t resist you.” *“But for a rat to like the cat? That scenario ended only one way. With one dead rat.” *“When I carved this statue, I was thinking about you. Delicate in appearance, but with a strength unnoticed at first glance.” His eyes met mine.” *“I peered deeper and found my soul. A little tattered and with some holes, but there all the same. It had always been there, I realized with shock.” *“I understood that Valek’s loyalty to the Commander was without question. His blue eyes held a fierce determination and I knew in my soul that Valek would take his own life after he had taken mine.” *“Two men. I had just killed two men. A killing machine, I hadn't even hesitated. Fear and rage settled deep in my chest, forming a layer of ice around my heart.” *“But you've slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart.” —— “Anyway, the odds were against you. Most lost big, while only a few—” Rand paused dramatically “—won big.” “Since you’re here, I suppose you won big.” He smiled. “Yelena, I’m always going to bet on you. You’re like one of the Commander’s terriers. A tiny, yappy dog you wouldn’t look at twice, but once it grabs your pant leg, it won’t let go.” “Poison the dog’s meat and it won’t bother you anymore.” —— “I didn't expect a knife, though. Is it the one missing from the kitchen?" "Did Rand report it?" I felt betrayed. Why hadn't he just asked for it back? "No. It just makes sense to keep track of large kitchen knives, so when one goes missing you're not surprised when someone attacks you with it. —— “What have I earned from you, Valek? Loyalty? Respect? Trust?" "You have my attention. But give me what I want, and you can have everything.” —— “Yelena.” I halted in the doorway, looking back over my shoulder. “You once said I wasn’t ready to believe your reason for killing Reyad. I’ll believe you now.” “But I’m not ready to tell you,” I said and left the room.”  —— “There’s an arrest warrant out for her. Did you even consider taking her to the Commander?” “No.” “Why not?” Valek didn’t try to hide his disbelief. “Killing isn’t the only solution to a problem. Or has that been yourformula?” “ My formula! Excuse me, Mr. Assassin, while I laugh as I remember my history lessons on how to deal with a tyrannical monarch by killing him and his family.” Valek flashed me a dangerous look.” —— “Yelena, you've driven me crazy. You've caused me considerable trouble and I've contemplated ending your life twice since I've known you." Valek's warm breath in my ear sent a shiver down my spine. "But you’ve slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart.” “That sounds more like a poison than a person,” was all I could say. His confession had both shocked and thrilled me. “Exactly,” Valek replied. “You have poisoned me.” —— “An execution order hasn’t kept us apart before. There are ways to get around it. We will be together.” “Is that an order?” “No, a promise.” —— “Back so soon?" he asked. "Too bad. I was just about to organize a search for your dead body. What happened when you knocked on the southerner magician's door to sacrifice yourself? Did they kick you out, thinking you too half-witted to waste their time on?” —— “Well, Valek, any new promotions?” the Commander asked “No. But Maren shows promise. Unfortunately she doesn’t want to be in my corps or even be my second.She just wants to beat me.” Valek grinned, delighted by the challenge. “And can she?” the Commander inquired. His eyebrows rose. “With time and the proper training. She’s deadly with her bow; it’s just her tactics that need work.” “Then what do we do with her?” “Promote her to General and retire some of those old wind-bags. We could use some fresh blood in the upper ranks.” “Valek, you never had a good grasp of military structure.” “Then promote her to First Lieutenant today, Captain tomorrow, Major the next day, Colonel the day after, and General the day after that.” “I’ll take it under advisement.” —— “It’s your fault. I was defending you!” I blurted. He paused. “In protecting my honor, you exposed months of work. I should be flattered?” —— === Magic Study === * “I took three steps and was wrapped in his arms, where I belonged. No confusion here. No worries here. No troubles here.”  * “Many have tried to kill us. All have failed. * “When I carved this, my thoughts were on you, love. Your life is like this snake's coils. No matter how many turns it makes, you'll end up back where you belong. With me.”  * “I’ll have you know that the most delicate flowers often produce the strongest scent when crushed.”  * “Her amber eyes burned into mine with all the hate and loathing she could muster. Underneath, though, she was terrified. Hate and loathing didn't bother me, but fear was a powerful emotion. Fear causes the dog to bite and Roze was one bitch.”  * “Don't feel ashamed for having those feelings and those memories. What happened in the past can't be changed, but they can be a guide for what happens in the future.”  * “Bad dreams are ghosts of our fears and worries, haunting us while we sleep. I doubt Valek is in trouble.”  * “Trust, Kiki said, Trust is peppermints.” * “I gave him a bored look. I had been threatened many times before and had learned that the men who didn’t make verbal threats were the most dangerous.”  * “Your fear remains strong. You are not ready to face your story, preferring instead to surround yourself with knots. Someday, they will strangle you.”  * “Pretty stupid,” I called after his retreating form. “To give up before all possible solutions have been tried.” * “I wanted to dissolve into the floor, mixing myself with the hard stone. A stone had a single purpose: to be. No complicated promises, no worries and no feelings.”  * “Should haves lead to death”  * “Unfortunately, diplomacy was a dance I needed to learn.” —— “In the end, only Leif believed that you were still alive. He thought you might be hiding somewhere, playing a game. As the rest of us grieved, Leif searched the jungle for you day after day.” “When did he finally stop?” I asked. “Yesterday.”  —— “Living is a risk,' I snapped at him. 'Every decision, every interaction, every step, every time you get out of bed in the morning, you take a risk. To survive is to know you're taking that risk and to not get out of bed clutching illusions of safety.”  —— “He made a weak attempt to look innocent, but I knew better. 'Should I guess how many concealed weapons you have or should I strip search you?' 'A strip search is the only way to be absolutely certain.' Valek's deep blue eyes danced with delight.”  —— “Why did Mother ask you to help me rescue Gelsi?" I asked Leif. "She thought I could assist you in some way. Instead, I had tried to-" "Kill me? You can join the 'I Want to Kill Yelena Guild.' I hear they have six members in good standing. Valek is president since he had wanted to kill me twice." —— “Another relative?" Valek asked. A broad smile stretched Moon Man's lips. "Yes. I am her mother's uncle's wife's third cousin." --Valek and Moon Man”  —— “Your mother sounds like a formidable woman," Valek said into the silence. "You have no idea," Leif replied with a sigh. "Well, if she's anything like Yelena, my deepest sympathies," Valek teased. "Hey!" Leif laughed and the tense moment dissipated. Valek handed Leif his machete. "Do you know how to use it?" "Of course. I chopped Yelena's bow into firewood," Leif joked.”  —— “Don't worry. I'm only your escort tonight. I would offer to protect you from the drunken attentions of the other men, but I know all to well that you're quite capagble of holding your own. You're probably armed. Right?" Always.”  —— “Pushing magic toward the candle, I willed it to light. Nothing happened. Irys made a strangled sound and the candle burned. “Are you directing your magic to the candle?” “Yes. Why?” “You just ordered me to light the candle for you,” Irys said in exasperation. “And I did it.”  —— “I'd wish you luck, but I don't think it would help.' 'Why not?' 'My lady, you make your own luck.” —— “How did you—” “Fool your guards? They’re not very good. They forgot to check the ceiling for spiders.” Valek grinned. His angular face softened. Startled, I realized he wasn’t in disguise. “This is dangerous.” “I knew falling for you was dangerous, love.”  —— “A little present from my run-in with a sword. Or should I say from when the sword had a run-in with me?” His eyes lit up. “Want to see the scar? It’s cool.” He started pulling his shirt out of his pants. “Janco,” Ari warned. “We’re not supposed to be fraternizing with the Sitians.” “But she’s not Sitian. Right, Yelena? You haven’t gone south on us, have you?” Janco’s voice held mock horror. “Because if you have I can’t give you your present.” I took my switchblade out, showing the inscription to Janco. “What about ‘Sieges weathered, fight together, friends forever’? Does that change if I become an official southerner?” Janco rubbed the hair on his chin, considering.  “No,” Ari said. “You could change into a goat and it would still apply.”  —— “You look like hell,' he said to me in a low voice. 'Gee, Dax, don’t coat it with honey. Tell me what you really think,' I said.”  —— “If you don’t come back to the Keep, then I’ll be right. And every time you see me, I’ll be insufferably smug.” “And how’s that different from now?” He laughed and I could see the young carefree boy he had been in his eyes. “You’ve only had a small glimpse of how insufferable and annoying I can be. As the older brother, it’s my birthright.”  —— “He pulled my arm out to expose my bracelet. "When I carved this, my thoughts were on you, love. Your life is like this snake's coils. No matter how many turns it makes, you'll end up back where you belong. With me." His sapphire eyes held a promise. ” —— “Do you really want to know why you lost?” I asked. “Do you really have an answer?” he countered. “You need to get off your horse and run with your men. You don’t have the stamina for a long fight. And find a lighter sword.” “But it was my uncle’s.” “You’re not your uncle.” “But I’m the King, and this is the King’s sword,” Cahil said. His brows creased together. He seemed confused. “So wear it to your coronation,” I said. “If you use it in battle, you’ll be wearing it to your funeral,” I said.”  —— “In keeping with his cryptic nature, all your Story Weaver said was 'The horses know where to go.' It's certainly not a military strategy I would use, but I've learned that the south uses its own strategy. And, strangely enough, it works.”  —— === Fire Study === * “There's always another storm. It's the way the world works. Snowstorms, rainstorms, windstorms, sandstorms, and firestorms. Some are fierce and others are small. You have to deal with each one separately, but you need to keep an eye on whats brewing for tomorrow.”  * “Nothing like having a warrant for your execution to get a girl motivated.”  * “You asked how I can be so calm. I don't have time not to be. I would like to grieve and worry and carry on, but that doesn't achieve results.”  * “You should know what happens when you play with fire, Cahill. Eventually, you'll get burned.”  * “It's the problem with mistakes, they tend to linger.”  * “He was the test I hadn’t studied for, the quiz I was bound to fail. Out of my depth.”  —— “The others had taken Valek's return in stride, although Janco made a comment about Valek's lack of hair. 'You ever notice how couples start to look alike?' he asked.  In a deadpan, Valek replied, 'Yes. In fact I was just thinking how much you and Topaz resemble each other. It's uncanny.”  —— “Did you live here?" Leif asked. I nodded. "For two years"."Where did you stay?" "I had a room in Valek's suite." Leif shot me an incredulous look. "Boy, you worked fast.”  —— “In the war room, love? What if someone comes in?” I stood and removed his shirt. “Then they’ll have a good story to tell.” “Good?” He adopted the pretense of being offended. “Prove me wrong.”  —— “Lief. That's not nice, considering all your sister has done for you," admonished Perl. "Oh right. How could I forget that she made me bait for a snake, left me on house arrest in Ixia, and smuggled me into the Keep in a coffin.”  —— “I had hoped to hear everyone discussing how much they missed my altruistic qualities, my legendary skills as a fighter and as a lover." He leered. "Instead, you're making plans for tomorrow. Interesting how life goes on in spite of itself.”  —— “I had hoped to hear everyone discussing how much they missed my altruistic qualities, my legendary skills as a fighter and as a lover." He leered. "Instead, you're making plans for tomorrow. Interesting how life goes on in spite of itself.”  —— “When I failed to move, Valek pushed me off the mat and curled in my place under the covers. “Ahh. Still warm.” “You’re evil,” I said, but he feigned sleep.” —— “Getting killed would have been easier. No guilt. No worries. No fear. Caring for someone is terrible and wonderful. I don't know if I have the strength to do it for another. How do you deal with it?" "I focus on the wonderful parts and suffer through the terrible parts, knowing it will end eventually.”  —— “You said I was afraid to come back to the Keep. Well—” I spread my arms wide, flinging drops of water onto Leif’s green tunic “—here I am.” “You are here. I’ll grant you that. But are you unafraid?” “I already have a mother and a Story Weaver. Your job is to be the annoying older brother. Stick to what you know.” “Ohhh. I’ve hit a nerve.”  —— “It can’t be good news,” Leif said. “I’d doubt you would brave the weather just to say hello.” “You opened the door before I could knock,” I said. “You must know something’s up.” Leif wiped the rain from his face. “I smelled you coming.” “Smelled?” “You reek of Lavender. Do you bathe in Mother’s perfume or just wash your cloak with it?” he teased. “How mundane. I was thinking of something a little more magical.”  —— “THAT’S PATHETIC, YELENA,” Dax complained. “An all-powerful Soulfinder who isn’t all-powerful. Where’s the fun in that?” He threw up his long thin arms in mock frustration. “Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not the one who attached the ‘all-powerful’ to the title.”  —— ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Snyder, Maria V.}} [[Category:Authors from the United States]] [[Category:Science fiction authors from the United States]] ehy82tops6zj2g9edckk8v31lxvkb1b 3158085 3158084 2022-08-26T05:18:18Z BD2412 3982 added [[Category:Fantasy authors]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Maria V. Snyder|Maria V. Snyder]]''' (born April 15, 1973) is an American fantasy and science fiction author best known for her ''Study Series''. It is the first Serie of the '''Chronicles of Ixia''' that introduces the reader to Yelena, a young woman who committed the murder of General Brazell only son, she stays for almost two years in the dungeon until she is taken to Valek, Commander Ambrose's Chief of Security, to dictate her execution, but he give her an option, she will became the new food tester of the Commander, where the training can be lethal and she can die in the next bite. ==Quotes== === Poison Study === *“Locked in darkness that surrounded me like a coffin, I had nothing to distract me from my memories.” *“I am not a fool.” *“To Yelena, our newest food taster. May you last longer than your predecessor.” *“His movements were so graceful that I wondered if he had been a dancer, but his words betrayed to me that his fluid gestures were those of a trained killer.” *“I did what any good rat would do. I bit down on the guard's hand until I tasted blood.” *“It's a dirty way to fight, but I'm late for lunch." *“You're easily distracted by the pattern of the cloth and can't see the quality of the threads.” *“Poisoned, pursued and living with a psychopath. Not what I would consider the good life. Death has its perks.” *“Only the weak invite their demons to live with them. Isn't that right?” *“Everyone makes choices in life. Some bad, some good. It's called living, and if you want to bow out, then go right ahead. But don't do it halfway. Don't linger in whiner's limbo.” *“When you warned me that you would test me from time to time, I thought you meant spiking my food. But it seems there is more than one way to poison a person’s heart, and it doesn’t even require a meal.” *“Trusting is hard. Knowing who to trust, even harder.” *“Besides, thinking kind thoughts about Valek could be extremely dangerous. I could admire his skills, and be relieved when he was on my side in a fight. But for a rat to like the cat? That scenario ended only one way. With one dead rat.” *“I balled my hands into tight fists to keep them from wrapping around Mr. I-Know-Everything's superior neck.” *“Knowledge, whatever the form, could be as effective as a weapon.” *“I hate a mystery. I would have let the identity of the Commander’s successor remain a secret, as I have for fifteen years, but tonight’s opportunity was too tempting. With eight drunken Generals sleeping it off, I could have danced on their beds without waking them." *“They actually think I would abandon the Commander. they have no concept of loyalty.” *“Sieges weathered, fight together, friends forever.” *“The uniform enhanced his athletic body, and my thoughts drifted to how magnificent he would look with his uniform puddled around his feet.” *“One, and two, and three, four, five. Keep fighting like this and you will die," Janco sang.” *“I didn’t want or expect this. But I couldn’t resist you.” *“But for a rat to like the cat? That scenario ended only one way. With one dead rat.” *“When I carved this statue, I was thinking about you. Delicate in appearance, but with a strength unnoticed at first glance.” His eyes met mine.” *“I peered deeper and found my soul. A little tattered and with some holes, but there all the same. It had always been there, I realized with shock.” *“I understood that Valek’s loyalty to the Commander was without question. His blue eyes held a fierce determination and I knew in my soul that Valek would take his own life after he had taken mine.” *“Two men. I had just killed two men. A killing machine, I hadn't even hesitated. Fear and rage settled deep in my chest, forming a layer of ice around my heart.” *“But you've slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart.” —— “Anyway, the odds were against you. Most lost big, while only a few—” Rand paused dramatically “—won big.” “Since you’re here, I suppose you won big.” He smiled. “Yelena, I’m always going to bet on you. You’re like one of the Commander’s terriers. A tiny, yappy dog you wouldn’t look at twice, but once it grabs your pant leg, it won’t let go.” “Poison the dog’s meat and it won’t bother you anymore.” —— “I didn't expect a knife, though. Is it the one missing from the kitchen?" "Did Rand report it?" I felt betrayed. Why hadn't he just asked for it back? "No. It just makes sense to keep track of large kitchen knives, so when one goes missing you're not surprised when someone attacks you with it. —— “What have I earned from you, Valek? Loyalty? Respect? Trust?" "You have my attention. But give me what I want, and you can have everything.” —— “Yelena.” I halted in the doorway, looking back over my shoulder. “You once said I wasn’t ready to believe your reason for killing Reyad. I’ll believe you now.” “But I’m not ready to tell you,” I said and left the room.”  —— “There’s an arrest warrant out for her. Did you even consider taking her to the Commander?” “No.” “Why not?” Valek didn’t try to hide his disbelief. “Killing isn’t the only solution to a problem. Or has that been yourformula?” “ My formula! Excuse me, Mr. Assassin, while I laugh as I remember my history lessons on how to deal with a tyrannical monarch by killing him and his family.” Valek flashed me a dangerous look.” —— “Yelena, you've driven me crazy. You've caused me considerable trouble and I've contemplated ending your life twice since I've known you." Valek's warm breath in my ear sent a shiver down my spine. "But you’ve slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart.” “That sounds more like a poison than a person,” was all I could say. His confession had both shocked and thrilled me. “Exactly,” Valek replied. “You have poisoned me.” —— “An execution order hasn’t kept us apart before. There are ways to get around it. We will be together.” “Is that an order?” “No, a promise.” —— “Back so soon?" he asked. "Too bad. I was just about to organize a search for your dead body. What happened when you knocked on the southerner magician's door to sacrifice yourself? Did they kick you out, thinking you too half-witted to waste their time on?” —— “Well, Valek, any new promotions?” the Commander asked “No. But Maren shows promise. Unfortunately she doesn’t want to be in my corps or even be my second.She just wants to beat me.” Valek grinned, delighted by the challenge. “And can she?” the Commander inquired. His eyebrows rose. “With time and the proper training. She’s deadly with her bow; it’s just her tactics that need work.” “Then what do we do with her?” “Promote her to General and retire some of those old wind-bags. We could use some fresh blood in the upper ranks.” “Valek, you never had a good grasp of military structure.” “Then promote her to First Lieutenant today, Captain tomorrow, Major the next day, Colonel the day after, and General the day after that.” “I’ll take it under advisement.” —— “It’s your fault. I was defending you!” I blurted. He paused. “In protecting my honor, you exposed months of work. I should be flattered?” —— === Magic Study === * “I took three steps and was wrapped in his arms, where I belonged. No confusion here. No worries here. No troubles here.”  * “Many have tried to kill us. All have failed. * “When I carved this, my thoughts were on you, love. Your life is like this snake's coils. No matter how many turns it makes, you'll end up back where you belong. With me.”  * “I’ll have you know that the most delicate flowers often produce the strongest scent when crushed.”  * “Her amber eyes burned into mine with all the hate and loathing she could muster. Underneath, though, she was terrified. Hate and loathing didn't bother me, but fear was a powerful emotion. Fear causes the dog to bite and Roze was one bitch.”  * “Don't feel ashamed for having those feelings and those memories. What happened in the past can't be changed, but they can be a guide for what happens in the future.”  * “Bad dreams are ghosts of our fears and worries, haunting us while we sleep. I doubt Valek is in trouble.”  * “Trust, Kiki said, Trust is peppermints.” * “I gave him a bored look. I had been threatened many times before and had learned that the men who didn’t make verbal threats were the most dangerous.”  * “Your fear remains strong. You are not ready to face your story, preferring instead to surround yourself with knots. Someday, they will strangle you.”  * “Pretty stupid,” I called after his retreating form. “To give up before all possible solutions have been tried.” * “I wanted to dissolve into the floor, mixing myself with the hard stone. A stone had a single purpose: to be. No complicated promises, no worries and no feelings.”  * “Should haves lead to death”  * “Unfortunately, diplomacy was a dance I needed to learn.” —— “In the end, only Leif believed that you were still alive. He thought you might be hiding somewhere, playing a game. As the rest of us grieved, Leif searched the jungle for you day after day.” “When did he finally stop?” I asked. “Yesterday.”  —— “Living is a risk,' I snapped at him. 'Every decision, every interaction, every step, every time you get out of bed in the morning, you take a risk. To survive is to know you're taking that risk and to not get out of bed clutching illusions of safety.”  —— “He made a weak attempt to look innocent, but I knew better. 'Should I guess how many concealed weapons you have or should I strip search you?' 'A strip search is the only way to be absolutely certain.' Valek's deep blue eyes danced with delight.”  —— “Why did Mother ask you to help me rescue Gelsi?" I asked Leif. "She thought I could assist you in some way. Instead, I had tried to-" "Kill me? You can join the 'I Want to Kill Yelena Guild.' I hear they have six members in good standing. Valek is president since he had wanted to kill me twice." —— “Another relative?" Valek asked. A broad smile stretched Moon Man's lips. "Yes. I am her mother's uncle's wife's third cousin." --Valek and Moon Man”  —— “Your mother sounds like a formidable woman," Valek said into the silence. "You have no idea," Leif replied with a sigh. "Well, if she's anything like Yelena, my deepest sympathies," Valek teased. "Hey!" Leif laughed and the tense moment dissipated. Valek handed Leif his machete. "Do you know how to use it?" "Of course. I chopped Yelena's bow into firewood," Leif joked.”  —— “Don't worry. I'm only your escort tonight. I would offer to protect you from the drunken attentions of the other men, but I know all to well that you're quite capagble of holding your own. You're probably armed. Right?" Always.”  —— “Pushing magic toward the candle, I willed it to light. Nothing happened. Irys made a strangled sound and the candle burned. “Are you directing your magic to the candle?” “Yes. Why?” “You just ordered me to light the candle for you,” Irys said in exasperation. “And I did it.”  —— “I'd wish you luck, but I don't think it would help.' 'Why not?' 'My lady, you make your own luck.” —— “How did you—” “Fool your guards? They’re not very good. They forgot to check the ceiling for spiders.” Valek grinned. His angular face softened. Startled, I realized he wasn’t in disguise. “This is dangerous.” “I knew falling for you was dangerous, love.”  —— “A little present from my run-in with a sword. Or should I say from when the sword had a run-in with me?” His eyes lit up. “Want to see the scar? It’s cool.” He started pulling his shirt out of his pants. “Janco,” Ari warned. “We’re not supposed to be fraternizing with the Sitians.” “But she’s not Sitian. Right, Yelena? You haven’t gone south on us, have you?” Janco’s voice held mock horror. “Because if you have I can’t give you your present.” I took my switchblade out, showing the inscription to Janco. “What about ‘Sieges weathered, fight together, friends forever’? Does that change if I become an official southerner?” Janco rubbed the hair on his chin, considering.  “No,” Ari said. “You could change into a goat and it would still apply.”  —— “You look like hell,' he said to me in a low voice. 'Gee, Dax, don’t coat it with honey. Tell me what you really think,' I said.”  —— “If you don’t come back to the Keep, then I’ll be right. And every time you see me, I’ll be insufferably smug.” “And how’s that different from now?” He laughed and I could see the young carefree boy he had been in his eyes. “You’ve only had a small glimpse of how insufferable and annoying I can be. As the older brother, it’s my birthright.”  —— “He pulled my arm out to expose my bracelet. "When I carved this, my thoughts were on you, love. Your life is like this snake's coils. No matter how many turns it makes, you'll end up back where you belong. With me." His sapphire eyes held a promise. ” —— “Do you really want to know why you lost?” I asked. “Do you really have an answer?” he countered. “You need to get off your horse and run with your men. You don’t have the stamina for a long fight. And find a lighter sword.” “But it was my uncle’s.” “You’re not your uncle.” “But I’m the King, and this is the King’s sword,” Cahil said. His brows creased together. He seemed confused. “So wear it to your coronation,” I said. “If you use it in battle, you’ll be wearing it to your funeral,” I said.”  —— “In keeping with his cryptic nature, all your Story Weaver said was 'The horses know where to go.' It's certainly not a military strategy I would use, but I've learned that the south uses its own strategy. And, strangely enough, it works.”  —— === Fire Study === * “There's always another storm. It's the way the world works. Snowstorms, rainstorms, windstorms, sandstorms, and firestorms. Some are fierce and others are small. You have to deal with each one separately, but you need to keep an eye on whats brewing for tomorrow.”  * “Nothing like having a warrant for your execution to get a girl motivated.”  * “You asked how I can be so calm. I don't have time not to be. I would like to grieve and worry and carry on, but that doesn't achieve results.”  * “You should know what happens when you play with fire, Cahill. Eventually, you'll get burned.”  * “It's the problem with mistakes, they tend to linger.”  * “He was the test I hadn’t studied for, the quiz I was bound to fail. Out of my depth.”  —— “The others had taken Valek's return in stride, although Janco made a comment about Valek's lack of hair. 'You ever notice how couples start to look alike?' he asked.  In a deadpan, Valek replied, 'Yes. In fact I was just thinking how much you and Topaz resemble each other. It's uncanny.”  —— “Did you live here?" Leif asked. I nodded. "For two years"."Where did you stay?" "I had a room in Valek's suite." Leif shot me an incredulous look. "Boy, you worked fast.”  —— “In the war room, love? What if someone comes in?” I stood and removed his shirt. “Then they’ll have a good story to tell.” “Good?” He adopted the pretense of being offended. “Prove me wrong.”  —— “Lief. That's not nice, considering all your sister has done for you," admonished Perl. "Oh right. How could I forget that she made me bait for a snake, left me on house arrest in Ixia, and smuggled me into the Keep in a coffin.”  —— “I had hoped to hear everyone discussing how much they missed my altruistic qualities, my legendary skills as a fighter and as a lover." He leered. "Instead, you're making plans for tomorrow. Interesting how life goes on in spite of itself.”  —— “I had hoped to hear everyone discussing how much they missed my altruistic qualities, my legendary skills as a fighter and as a lover." He leered. "Instead, you're making plans for tomorrow. Interesting how life goes on in spite of itself.”  —— “When I failed to move, Valek pushed me off the mat and curled in my place under the covers. “Ahh. Still warm.” “You’re evil,” I said, but he feigned sleep.” —— “Getting killed would have been easier. No guilt. No worries. No fear. Caring for someone is terrible and wonderful. I don't know if I have the strength to do it for another. How do you deal with it?" "I focus on the wonderful parts and suffer through the terrible parts, knowing it will end eventually.”  —— “You said I was afraid to come back to the Keep. Well—” I spread my arms wide, flinging drops of water onto Leif’s green tunic “—here I am.” “You are here. I’ll grant you that. But are you unafraid?” “I already have a mother and a Story Weaver. Your job is to be the annoying older brother. Stick to what you know.” “Ohhh. I’ve hit a nerve.”  —— “It can’t be good news,” Leif said. “I’d doubt you would brave the weather just to say hello.” “You opened the door before I could knock,” I said. “You must know something’s up.” Leif wiped the rain from his face. “I smelled you coming.” “Smelled?” “You reek of Lavender. Do you bathe in Mother’s perfume or just wash your cloak with it?” he teased. “How mundane. I was thinking of something a little more magical.”  —— “THAT’S PATHETIC, YELENA,” Dax complained. “An all-powerful Soulfinder who isn’t all-powerful. Where’s the fun in that?” He threw up his long thin arms in mock frustration. “Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not the one who attached the ‘all-powerful’ to the title.”  —— ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Snyder, Maria V.}} [[Category:Authors from the United States]] [[Category:Science fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Fantasy authors]] lj4ck83hrasgy4iojy60sh1738tfevj 0 195793 3157929 3157164 2022-08-25T20:31:00Z 162.197.99.132 /* Say Uncle */ wikitext text/x-wiki ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]] ---- {{italic title}} The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''. === ''Full Disclosure'' === :'''Greg''': I saw the spaceship starting to leave and then it crashed and I came back and— ''[sees Steven's black eye]'' Ugh, your eye... But you're okay! I guess those jerks were no match for the Crystal Gems! :'''Steven''': No way! They were super strong! :'''Greg''': But you were able to beat them back? :'''Steven''': No, they totally stomped us! This warrior Jasper was super beefy and knocked me unconscious. Then they abducted me onto the ship because they wanted to take me away forever, and then we crashed the ship and I almost died! ''[Greg freaks out]'' :'''Greg''': W-What do they want with you?! :'''Steven''': They think I'm Mom. :'''Greg''': Ar-are more Homeworld Gems gonna come after you?! :'''Steven''': I— uhh... I don't know. Maybe? :'''Greg''': Steven, I'm supportive and very proud of you... and I'll be right back. ''[runs into his van]'' Gotta calm down. Where's my— ''[brings a series of CDs up front]'' Where's my relaxing music CD?! This one? ''[inserts CD; starts blaring loud metal music]'' Wrong one!! Stop!! Eject!! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronaldo''': Oh! I see... You come up here to brood too! :'''Steven''': Brood? :'''Ronaldo''': Yes, Steven. That's just what people like us do. Suffer quietly, shouldering the knowledge no one else can bear. :'''Steven''': Hm. :'''Ronaldo''': As an aficionado of the weird yourself, you've probably noticed ordinary people fear the cold leaded anchor of the truth. The abyss is no Sunday swan ride. :'''Steven''': I know! My dad flipped out when I told him! :'''Ronaldo''': Sounds typical. But it's a good reminder. This is no easy path we've chosen here. There are... sacrifices. Look at them all down there, Steven. It's our duty to let those simple people live out their simple lives, without ever knowing the burden of being friends with us. :'''Steven''': At least we can be there for each other. :'''Ronaldo''': Is that giant hand from the sky sitting right in the middle of the beach?! I gotta get some of this for my blog! <hr width="50%"> :'''Amethyst''': Aw, come on! :'''Garnet''': No whining. We need to start cleaning up the debris. :'''Pearl''': Garnet's right. People are already coming back into town! :'''Steven''': We've got to keep them off the beach. If any humans got access to Gem technology, ''[shuts blinds]'' they could really hurt themselves. Maybe we should shut them out... for good. :'''Pearl''': You know... we did once have a fence. Let's get a new one—with barbed wire! :'''Amethyst''': This time, let's build a moat. I could be... ''[shapeshifts her head]'' the crocodi-i-ile!! Jazz hands! :'''Garnet''': No. :'''Amethyst''': Why not? :'''Pearl''': You always say you'll be the crocodile, but you never commit! :'''Garnet''': No fence either. :'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Garnet! :'''Garnet''': Steven needs to see his father and his friends. :'''Steven''': No, I don't! I can't keep clinging to the vestiges of my humanity. It's time I got serious. ''[his phone starts ring-toning again]'' Errh! :'''Pearl''': Steven, why is your communication device playing that song? :'''Steven''': It's Connie, trying to call me... but I can't face her anymore. :'''Pearl''': So... you're just going to ignore her forever? :'''Steven''': It's the responsible thing to do. :'''Amethyst''': ''[sees thru blinds]'' It's gonna be hard, 'cause she's coming up the steps right now. :'''Steven''': What?! === ''Open Book'' === === ''Joy Ride'' === :'''Steven''': Family stuff is tricky. :'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': Mmhm. :'''Steven''': A few months back, my dad and the Gems grounded me from TV. :'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': That's the worst. / Bummer. / No way! :'''Steven''': And then I found out that the Gems are alien rebels and that there are other Gems out in space that want us dead 'cause they think we're traitors. And they tried to take me hostage 'cause they think I'm my mom. And... maybe I kinda am? ''[sighs]'' I wish I could talk to Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl about it, but... I think they kinda blame me for my mom not being around. :''[Buck, Sour Cream and Jenny are in a state of shock for a beat. Jenny turns off the radio]'' :'''Jenny''': That's heavy. :'''Steven''': I guess. <hr width=50%> :'''Garnet''': Steven... you're ungrounded from TV. === ''[[w:Say Uncle (Steven Universe)|Say Uncle]]'' === :'''Steven''': ''[taking a deep breath]'' Shield. ''[his gem glows; slowly opens his eyes, finding himself encased his bubble shield]'' No! Not bubble shield! ''[dispels his bubble and throws a little tantrum]'' What am I doing wrong? The Gems can all summon ''their'' weapons, why can't I? ''[desperately]'' Isn't there somebody who can help me?! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Steven''': Oh my gosh! Uncle Grandpa! You're really here, I can't believe it! I mean… I literally can't believe it. How is this even possible?! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Don't worry, bro. None of this is canon. ''[pulls a real cannon out of Belly Bag]'' But this is! ''[launches his head like a cannonball with smoke trails spelling "APRIL FOOLS" and crashes into a ship with Lars and Sadie on it]'' :'''Lars''': Oh, no!! Our ship!! <hr width=50% /> :'''Amethyst''': Steven! :'''Pearl''': What's going on?! Who is this stranger? :'''Steven''': He's not a stranger, he's Uncle Grandpa! :''[Uncle Grandpa honks his nose]'' :'''Amethyst''': "Uncle… Grandpa"? :'''Pearl''': So that would make him Greg's brother… ''and'' father? :'''Garnet''': That would explain a lot. <hr width=50% /> :'''Pizza Steve''': Oh hey, it's just me, Pizza Steve—just the coolest and tastiest Steve who ever lived. :'''Steven''': Hi, Pizza Steve! I'm a Steve too! Steven Universe. :'''Pizza Steve''': ''Stee''-ven Universe... ''[pops out on top of Steven's hair]'' Come on, Uncle G. I've got two rules—no more than 40 or 50 vans, and only '''ONE''' Steve allowed! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yeah, but this Steven is special. :'''Mr. Gus''': Yeah. He's a Crystal Gem. :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Good mornin', Mr. Gus. :'''Mr. Gus''': What's up, Uncle Grandpa? :'''Steven''': Whoa, Mr. Gus! How do you know about me? :'''Mr. Gus''': I have a comprehensive knowledge of all magical denizens of the multiverse. I know ''ALL'' about the Crystal Gems. Come on, man, check this out. I even made my own Gemsona. ''[shows art of "Mr. Gusite"]'' My gem is on my tail, and my weapon is a fryin' pan. <hr width=50% /> :''[The Gems run frantically across the plot hole many times, stop for a breather]'' :'''Garnet''': There's got to be some way out of here. :'''Pearl''': ''[extremely panicked]'' WE'LL NEVER ESCAPE!! ''THIS'' IS OUR NEW ''HOME!!'' :'''Garnet''': Pearl, you're overreacting. :'''Pearl''': <big>'''I'M NOT OVERREACTING!!!'''</big> :''[Pearl runs around screaming until she crashes into Amethyst]'' :'''Amethyst''': Hey, where's Steven? ''[Pizza Steve walks in dressed like Steven]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Lookin' for me, Pizza Steven Universe? ''[Pearl gasps, cowers behind Garnet]'' :'''Pearl''': That's not my baby! :'''Amethyst''': Ah, nice! ''[eyes on Pizza Steve]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Whoa, hold on! :'''Amethyst''': ''Pizzaaaaaa!!'' ''[chases Pizza Steve offscreen]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Don't eat Pizza Steve! ''[munching noises]'' :''[Amethyst walks back on, putting on Pizza Steve's sunglasses from out of her mouth]'' :'''Garnet''': Okay, I'm ready for this episode to end. ''[stomps her foot on the ground, causing the plot hole to crack and shatter, leaving them back at the beach]'' :''[They see Steven, Uncle Grandpa, Lion, and Giant Realistic Flying Tiger having a tea party]'' :'''Uncle Grandpa''': ''[sighs]'' I'm sorry I couldn't help you learn to use your shield, Steven. :'''Steven''': It's okay, Uncle Grandpa. I had a lotta fun today. :'''Gems''': Steven! :'''Garnet''': Get away from that man! :'''Pearl''': He's a '''''MONSTER!''''' :''[Amethyst hisses and growls]'' :'''Steven''': Hey, cut it out guys. He's done enough already. <hr width=50% /> :'''Gems''': ''[diving towards Uncle Grandpa while beating him up]'' '''''FINISH HIM!!!!!''''' :'''Steven''': ''[rushing in as a chibi]'' No, don't hurt him! ''[lets out a small fart; in slow-motion]'' '''''STOOOOP!!!!!!''''' ''[his gem begins to glow and halts the Gems, in shock and surprise, with his shield]'' Whoa! ''[turns to Uncle Grandpa]'' I did it, Uncle Grandpa! I really did it! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yay. :'''Pearl''': Protecting HIM activated Steven's powers?! :'''Garnet''': He must really care about this stranger. :'''Amethyst''': I hope he didn't care about that pizza. :'''Steven''': Listen! It was a big, weird surprise when Uncle Grandpa showed up here today. We've never met anyone like Uncle Grandpa, but you can't just attack people you don't understand. You have to stick up for them, and listen to what they have to say. You guys always do that for me. :'''Pearl''': ''[blushing with tears in her eyes, feeling guilty and sorry]'' Steven, you're right. ''[cries emotionally]'' HOW CAN I BE SO BLIND?! I'M SORRY! :'''Amethyst''': I also apologize for Pearl. :'''Garnet''': Thank you, you taught us a valuable lesson, Uncle Grandpa. <hr width=50% /> :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Boy, that sure makes my eyes hurt. Now let's see here... ''[grabs a checklist revealing several other Cartoon Network protagonists]'' Dexter, Dee-dee, Blossom, Bubbles, Buttercup, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Billy, Mandy, Mac, Juniper Lee, Swat Kats, Flapjack, Finn, Oh! Steven! ''[checks off Steven's name]'' Now who's next? ''[Clarence's name is shown at the bottom of the list]'' === ''Story for Steven'' === === ''Shirt Club '' === :''[Steven rushes to the Beach House]'' :'''Steven''': Garnet! Amethyst! Pearl! :'''Garnet''': Steven! :'''Pearl''': What is it?! :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, where's the fire? :'''Steven''': It's an emergency! You have to help me take down all the shirts and stop Buck from making more! :'''Pearl''': Have the shirts come to life and and possessed the bodies of their wearers?! :'''Steven''': Uh, no! They just— :'''Amethyst''': Are people catching on fire when they put on the magic shirts? :'''Steven''': No! No, they're just— :'''Pearl''': Are the shirts destroying the wearer's will to continue on in this mortal coil, thereby shutting down Beach City!?! :'''Steven''': ''NOOOOO''!!! They're— they're just... using my art in a way I don't agree with. :'''Pearl''': Oh. ''[all Gems sit down]'' :'''Garnet''': Ah, we'll pass. :'''Steven''': What?! But— but I really need your help! :'''Pearl''': Steven, this sounds like a very abstract problem. :'''Amethyst''': It's not something we can ''punch''! :'''Garnet''': You must learn to help yourself. That's how you become stronger. ''[shades sparkle]'' :'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Good point, good point. / Oh, absolutely. :'''Steven''': But..! :'''Amethyst''': You figure something ''out'', Steven! :'''Pearl''': Yes! Why not dust off those conflict resolution skills? :'''Garnet''': Let your problem be known, then you can work towards an understanding. :'''Steven''': Oh... I'll make them understand. I'll make them all understand... ''[leaves]'' :'''Amethyst''': Eh, he'll be fine. === ''Love Letters'' === :''[Steven and Connie meet Jamie sitting on a log in the beach]'' :'''Steven''': Jamie! :'''Jamie''': Oh, hey, Connie and Steven. You guys come out here to stare at the ocean and think about life too? :'''Connie''': Uhh, no...? We came to, uh— :'''Jamie''': Yeah, life is crazy. One day, you're right here in Beach City delivering mail and then the next thing you know... you're on a bus to Kansas, following your dreams of becoming an actor. "Follow your dreams," they said. But no one said anything about all the rejection and sadness there was to be found. So many auditions day after day... So much rejection day after day... That's why I came back. ''[two seagulls crash into each other and fall into the sea]'' One more rejection would have destroyed my fragile heart. ''[sobs, chuckles]'' Sorry... sometimes I get caught up in the drama zone, you know? :'''Steven''': Yeah, right... Drama zone. :'''Connie''': Oh, by the way, we have something for yo— :'''Steven''': No, we don't! <hr width=50%> :'''Garnet''': I didn't mean to upset you. :'''Jamie''': Then will you go out with me? :'''Garnet''': No! :'''Jamie''': But I've loved you since the moment I saw you. :'''Garnet''': Love at first sight doesn't exist. Love takes time and love takes work. At the very least, you have to know the other person. And you literally have no idea who or what I am. ''[shades glimmer]'' :'''Jamie''': But I bloom for you like— like a... camellia... under moonlight? :'''Garnet''': No, you don't! ''[long beat]'' You make a very convincing lovesick fool. You convinced these children. ''[adjusts her shades]'' You even convinced yourself. ''[smiling]'' You're a fantastic actor. :'''Jamie''': ''[beat]'' ..What am I supposed to do now? :'''Garnet''': Start with local theater. ''[slaps Jamie's back, then walks away. Connie and Steven walk closer to him]'' :'''Connie''': Are you okay? :'''Jamie''': Yeah. That was some pretty solid advice. :'''Steven''': Were those more letters you wrote to Garnet? :'''Jamie''': No. That was the mail I was supposed to deliver on my last route. :'''Steven''': ''[beat]'' We'll help you pick it all up. :'''Jamie''': Thanks. === ''Reformed'' === :'''Garnet''': This is not a good choice for your form. :'''Amethyst''': Lighten up, Garnet. Can't you take a joke? :'''Garnet''': It's not funny. You've made yourself ridiculous. :'''Amethyst''': <big>'''''RIDICULOUS?!?!'''''</big> :'''Garnet''': Keep your voice down! The creature... :'''Amethyst''': Hrrr... You wanted me to be more like Pearl, and now I am!! :'''Garnet''': ''[low voice]'' Pearl would've taken her regeneration seriously! :'''Amethyst''': WHAT DO YOU CARE!?! MY FORM IS '''''MY'' BUSINESS!!''' :'''Garnet''': It's my business when it affects the strength of the team!! :'''Amethyst''': ..So what?! I'm not strong enough?! ''[gets dragged by the Slinker]'' :'''Steven''': Amethyst! :'''Amethyst''': '''ARE YOU SAYING... <big>I'M ''WEAK''</big>?!?!''' ''[poofs again; Steven catches her gemstone]'' :'''Steven''': Is it weird I'm getting numbed to this? === ''[[w:Sworn to the Sword|Sworn to the Sword]]'' === :'''Connie''': ''[fights off seagulls with her violin bow]'' Run back to your masters! Tell them we're not afraid of your kind! :'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Thanks for saving my jam snack. Unfortunately, it's not safe from me. ''[munches it]'' You're such a good sword fighter, Connie. :'''Connie''': Really? I was just swinging this thing around. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'd love to learn how to use a real sword! :'''Steven''': Oh! ''[gulps snack; starry eyes]'' Steven has an idea! :''[back at the Beach House]'' :'''Pearl''': You want me to do ''what''?! :'''Steven''': You should teach Connie to sword fight, she's already so good! :'''Connie''': Steven! :'''Steven''': But you are! Y-You helped me fight the robot floaty-thing, she took down that evil clone of herself, uh... those mean seagulls just now? :'''Pearl''': You're awfully young to begin something like this. But I suppose I was only a few thousand years old when I began fighting alongside Rose Quartz. ''[Connie raises her hand]'' Yes, Connie? :'''Connie''': Please! I want to learn! I mean, I don't know what'll happen in the future. But if something dangerous comes along... I don't wanna be a burden, I wanna help! I want to be there for Steven to fight by his side! The Earth is my home too. Can't I help protect it? ''[Pearl starts watering tears of joy]'' :'''Pearl''': Oh... okay... If that's how you feel... we should get started! :'''Steven''': Woo-hoo! ''[runs after her laughing]'' :'''Connie''': Wait, now? <hr width=50%> :'''Pearl''': All right, everything begins with your stance. Remember: :''[singing] You do it for him, and you would do it again'' :''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.'' :''Keep your stance wide, keep your body lowered'' :''As you're moving forward, balance is the key'' :''Right foot, left foot, now go even faster'' :''And as you're moving backwards, keep your eyes on me.'' :'''Connie''': ''Keep my stance wide'' ("Good.") :''Keep my body lowered'' ("Right.") :''As I'm moving forward'' :'''Pearl''': ''Concentrate! Don't you want him to live?!'' :'''Connie''': ''Right foot, left foot'' :'''Pearl''': ''Yes, but put your whole body into it!'' :''Everything you have, everything you are'' :''You've got to give.'' :''On the battlefield, when everything is chaos'' :''And you have nothing but the way you feel, your strategy and a sword'' :''You just think about the life you'll have together after the war'' :''And then you do it for her, that's how you know you can win'' :''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.'' <hr width=25%> :''Deep down, you know you weren't built for fighting'' :''But that doesn't mean you're not prepared to try'' :''What they don't know is your real advantage'' :''When you live for someone, you're prepared to die.'' :'''Connie''': ''Deep down, I know that I'm just a human'' ("True.") :'''Both''': ''But I/you know that I/you can draw my/your sword and fight'' :'''Connie''': ''With my short existence,'' ("Good.") ''I can make a difference'' ("Yes, excellent!") :''I can be there for him, I can be his knight.'' :'''Connie''': ''I can do it for him'' :'''Both''': ''You'd do it for her'' :'''Pearl''': ''Okay, now do that again'' ("Yes, ma'am.") :''You do it for her, and now you say'' :'''Connie''': ''I'll do it for him.'' <hr width=50%> :'''Amethyst''': ''[belly laughs]'' Wow, Garnet! That is the funniest thing I've ever heard! :'''Garnet''': Garnet, master of comedy. :'''Amethyst''': Hehehe... Yo, Steven. ''[pretend-yells]'' '''WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE ALL SAD LIKE THAT?!?!''' :'''Steven''': W-well... Connie is taking sword fighting lessons from Pearl, but I think it's getting a little too serious. She wants Connie to do all this dangerous stuff for me. :'''Garnet''': That makes sense. :'''Steven''': What do you mean? :'''Garnet''': Back during the war, Pearl took pride in risking her destruction for your mother. She put Rose Quartz over everything — over logic, over consequence, over her own life. :''[Pearl and Rose switch to Connie and Steven, respectively. She charges at the enemy before cutting to Steven's horrified face]'' :'''Amethyst''': You okay, dude? :'''Steven''': I have to do something!! Thanks for telling me that, bye!! === ''Rising Tides, Crashing Skies'' === :'''RonaIdo''': I am now going to attempt to make contact with the mysterious, reclusive, ''[Steven comes out]'' and—ahh! :'''Steven''': Hi, Ronaldo! Uh, hi, Peedee. Is that a camera? :'''Peedee''': Yeah. We're making a movie about— :'''RonaIdo''': It's an investigative report, shot ''[[w:cinéma vérité|camera vérité]]''. :'''Steven''': Cool! :'''RonaIdo''': So... you wanna participate in a groundbreaking interview? :'''Steven''': Hmm. Only if ''you'' participate in a glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade! ''[walks back inside]'' :''[cue Ronaldo and Steven in the Beach House]'' :'''Steven''': Ohh, that giant hand? It was a spaceship coming to get us. :'''RonaIdo''': Us?! I knew it! Steven, we know too much! :'''Steven''': No, not "us" us. I-I meant me and the Crystal Gems. :'''RonaIdo''': Wait. So the hand wasn't here to snatch up humans for a human zoo? Or interfere with our subsidized Beach City wind farm?! Or thaw the cryogenically frozen pets of the one percent!?! :'''Steven''': Uh... no, I'm pretty sure it came to Beach City for me and the Crystal Gems. :'''RonaIdo''': Oh. So, if you and the Crystal Gems weren't here, we wouldn't have been attacked by the giant hand? :'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! Definitely not. === ''Keeping It Together'' === :'''Pearl''': Garnet, you don't think Peridot would come looking for us, do you? :'''Garnet''': We weren't her priority. She was sent here to do something in the Kindergarten. :'''Pearl''': Do you think she's still going to try to reactivate it? :'''Garnet''': Mm. If she gets it back up and running, the Injectors will turn back on. :'''Steven''': Injectors? What're those? :'''Pearl''': You've already seen them. ''[projects hologram from her gemstone]'' Well, you've seen them disabled. If Peridot reactivates them, they'll pick right up where they left off, planting gems in the crust of the Earth, where they'll incubate and suck the life right out of the ground. We can't let Peridot restart Gem production here. If we do... ''[sighs]'' the entire planet will become… :'''Garnet''': Janked. :'''Amethyst''': Garnet! ''[laughs]'' That mouth! ''[sniggers]'' :'''Garnet''': Don't worry. We'll stop her. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': Log Date 6-5-2. This is Peridot updating status. Still stuck on miserable planet. The fusion experiments are developing properly. A few have even emerged early- ''[spots Steven and shrieks; Steven stares silently at her as she looks around; whispers to him]'' Are the ''other ones'' with you? ''[Steven slowly shakes his head no and nods yes quickly, shrugging]'' Of course. Why not? :'''Garnet''': ''[off-screen]'' PERIDOT! :'''Pearl''': THERE SHE IS! <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': We did it! Garnet? :'''Garnet/Ruby''': So ''this'' is what Homeworld thinks of fusion. :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': We couldn't have known they would do this. :'''Garnet/Ruby''': ''This'' is where they've been…all the ones we couldn't find… they've been here the whole time! :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': Rose couldn't have known. :'''Garnet/Ruby''': This is punishment for the rebellion! :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': ''[breaking down]'' It's not our fault! :'''Steven''': Garnet! :'''Garnet''': S-Steven. :'''Amethyst''': ''[sliding down with Pearl]'' Yo! We're back. :'''Pearl''': Garnet, we lost Peridot. Her fingers were too fast for us. ''[two fused hands climb up on Amethyst and grabs them]'' Um… what are these things? :'''Garnet''': PUT THEM DOWN! :'''Steven''': Uh! :'''Pearl''': Wha...? ''[throws the hands away]'' :'''Garnet''': We need to poof and bubble all of them. We can't let any escape. ''[She poofs the hands as the screen turns black]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': What Homeworld did… taking the shattered parts of fallen Gems and combining them—those Gems weren't asked permission. Fusion is a choice. Those Gems weren't given a choice. It isn't right. It isn't fusion! <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven looks at Garnet as he takes the clothes out the dryer into the basket]'' :'''Steven''': What's it like... being a fusion? :'''Garnet''': You fused. :'''Steven''': I mean, like, all the time. Do you forget who you used to be? :'''Garnet''': You forget you were ever alone. You know when you fuse, you don't feel like two people. You feel like one being. And your old names might as well be names for your left arm, and your right. :'''Steven''': When you split up, is it like you disappear? :'''Garnet''': I embody my— I mean, Ruby and Sapphire's love. I always exist in them, even if I split apart. But the strength of that love keeps me together, so I can stay Garnet for a very long time. :'''Steven''': That's why you're so great! :'''Garnet''': ''[smiles]'' Ha. ''[Steven starts laughing, with a light blue colored sock being blown away]'' :'''Steven''': Oh, no! ''[Garnet catches it]'' :'''Garnet''': Don't wanna break up a pair. :'''Steven''': ''[holds peach colored sock]'' Yeah, you're right. ''[Garnet folds socks into basket]'' They belong together. === ''We Need to Talk'' === :''[Greg re-watches Pearl and Rose's fusion dance, practices and falls down]'' :'''Greg''': Ah, geez! How'd she get her legs to do that? ''[groans]'' :'''Amethyst''': Hey! ''[looks at face-to-face with Garnet]'' Are you dead? :'''Greg''': Wha? Uh, no, no. I'm alive. :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, cool! ''[jumps over Greg, runs to the TV]'' It's us from before! :'''Greg''': Yeah, I was just... trying to get my head around this fusion dance. :'''Amethyst''': A fusion dance ain't about your head! ''[laughs out loud]'' :'''Greg''': Wait... you guys are Gems. You gotta help me out here. I need to be able to fuse with Rose! :'''Garnet''': First, you need a gem at the core of your being. Then you need a body that can turn into light. Then you need the partner who you trust with that light. :'''Greg''': Metaphorically? :'''Garnet''': Literally. :'''Amethyst''': ''[whispers]'' Shh! Come on! I still wanna see him try! :'''Greg''': Ugh, so it's true. I really can't do it. ''[touches his face]'' I'm kidding myself with this! I'm never gonna be a Gem... ''[Garnet looks down and picks up a twig]'' :'''Garnet''': Amethyst... give us some privacy! ''[throws it far away]'' :'''Amethyst''': YEAH!! ''[scampers after it]'' :'''Garnet''': Let me tell you something, Mr. Universe. I think you can do it, but it won't work if you dance like Pearl. You have to dance like you. You have to fuse ''your'' way. Get open. Get honest. Invent yourselves together. ''[lowers her shades and winks left of her three eyes]'' That's fusion. :'''Greg''': EYE—think I get it. === ''Chille Tid'' === :'''Steven''': "Sleep is a curse, and yet a curse I need to live"—Steven Universe. ---- :'''Garnet''': Let me show you how it's done. ''(She falls over, stiff as a board)'' :'''Pearl''': That's pretty convincing. ---- :'''Steven''': Lapis! :'''Lapiz Lazuli''': No. I'm ''not'' Lapis anymore. We're Malachite now. === ''[[w:Cry for Help (Steven Universe)|Cry for Help]]'' === :'''Peridot''': This is Peridot, transmitting on all frequencies from abandoned Crystal System colony planet Earth, to Yellow Diamond. My mission has been compromised. My escort ''and'' informant are gone, and I am now stranded! ''[desperately]'' Please send help! <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': It's as I feared. :''[The Communication Hub is glowing and shooting a beam of light towards the sky]'' :'''Pearl''': It looks like Peridot somehow repaired the Communication Hub. Well, at least some of it. :'''Steven''': So... we just gotta wreck it up again, right? (''to Amethyst'') You guys should form Sugilite! :'''Amethyst''': (''smiling a bit'') Yeah... Well, it's up to Garnet, I guess. (''smiling widely, to Garnet'') What do you say? ''[Pearl looks scared in the background]'' Shall we mash it up?... :'''Garnet''': No. :'''Amethyst''': But, don't we need to be huge like last time? :'''Garnet''': Last time was a disaster. Last time we fused, Sugilite went berserk. It's because of her that we can't even warp here anymore. (''takes off her visor'') I can be brash, you can be reckless. And we can both get carried away. So, for the time being, ''[She puts her visor back on and Amethyst's reflection can be seen in them]'' Sugilite is benched. What we need now is to be careful. ''[Steven gasps]'' It's you and me, Pearl. Let's fuse. ''[Pearl looks astonished as she begins to tear up]'' Don't cry, Pearl. ''[Pearl tries to not cry and quivers as she strongly breathes in through her nose, sniffling thickly]'' Come on, let's do this. :'''Pearl''': I'm right behind you. (''sniffling'') :'''Steven''': (''running towards them'') Woo-hoo! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! *sits to the left of Lion* (''Amethyst walks over'') :'''Garnet''': (''gemstones glow'') Ready. :'''Pearl''': (''grunts; stretches'') Hang on, it's been such a long time. <hr width=50%/> :'''Sardonyx''': Gooooood evening, everybody! (''struts over to Lion, Steven, and Amethyst and does a twirl'') This is the lovely Sardonyx! Coming to you ''a-live'' from the soon-to-be-former Communication Hub! How are y'all doin' tonight? :'''Amethyst''': (''sarcastically'') Great... :'''Steven''': (''gasps'') Giant woman! <hr width=50%/> :'''Amethyst''': ''Maybe you're better off with her / I think she's better for you / I forgot how great it felt to be us / Guess I got carried away. / I had to use you to make me feel strong / But I don't care about that now / I see a tower built out of my mistakes / And it all comes crashing down. / Is there something I can doo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo / Can I make it up to you?'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Amethyst''': Stop! :'''Pearl''': Is something the matter, Amethyst? :'''Amethyst''': You... you shouldn't. :'''Steven''': Pearl, we saw you. :'''Pearl''': (''shocked'') What? :'''Steven''': You need to tell Garnet it was you! :'''Garnet''': I don't understand. :'''Pearl''': I'm sorry. It's just... so much fun being Sardonyx with you. :'''Garnet''': ''[drops Pearl to the ground]'' ''That's'' why I couldn't see us finding Peridot. :'''Pearl''': Wait, let me explain! :'''Garnet''': You've been fixing the hub! :'''Pearl''': It really was Peridot! The first time. :'''Garnet''': You ''tricked'' me! :'''Pearl''': No! No, no, no, no! We just needed a reason to fuse! I just wanted to share a few more victories with you! :'''Garnet''': Those weren't ''victories''! :'''Amethyst''': Wait, Garnet! You know, we're so much weaker than you! Fusing with you is like our one chance to feel... ''stronger''! :'''Garnet''': Don't defend her! Peridot is out there somewhere and Pearl's been distracting us with... ''nothing''! :'''Pearl''': Garnet... :'''Garnet''': ''[angrily points at her]'' That's enough! ''[to Amethyst]'' Amethyst, fuse with me! :'''Amethyst''': But-! :'''Garnet''': (''clenching her fist'') Let's just get this over with. === ''Keystone Motel'' === :'''Steven''': Pearl! Where have you been?! :'''Pearl''': Looking for Peridot… For a few days straight. Steven, I know I might have… disappointed all of you. I know Garnet's very upset with me. But I'm going to prove to her that she can trust me again. ''[Garnet walks in through the front door]'' Oh! Garnet! I was just looking for Peridot! She's bound to be somewhere, right? Any new ideas? ''[Garnet says nothing and walks past her]'' I'm sorry. :'''Greg''': ''[enters the house with a brochure]'' Who wants to go on a road trip?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': ''[agitated, panting]'' Calm down... I don't feel like forgiving Pearl!... You don't understand, you must... If you're not going to listen, then you can just GO! ''[splits into Ruby and Sapphire]'' :'''Sapphire''': ''[calmly]'' We must move past this, Ruby. :'''Ruby''': ''[furiously]'' She ''lied'' to us so we'd form Sardonyx! She ''tricked'' us! Don't you feel used?! :'''Sapphire''': You're choosing to take it personally. :'''Ruby''': IT'S ''FUSION'', SAPPHIRE! WHAT'S MORE PERSONAL TO US THAN ''FUSION?!'' :'''Sapphire''': I know you're still upset... :'''Ruby''': Oh, so it's just me?! :'''Sapphire''': Of course not. Can't you see I'm completely engulfed with rage? :'''Ruby''': Well, it doesn't feel like it! :'''Sapphire''': The sooner we forgive Pearl, the better it will be for us all. :'''Ruby''': YOU'RE NOT AS ABOVE THIS AS YOU THINK YOU ARE! <hr width=50%/> :'''Sapphire''': ''[about Ruby, while she shakes the table]'' This will pass. She'll eventually just burn herself out. :'''Ruby''': ''[angrily]'' THAT'S WHAT ''YOU'' THINK! '''I AM AN ETERNAL FLAME, BABY!''' ''[flips the table]'' :''[while Greg talks to Steven, arguing with each other simultaneously]'' :'''Ruby''': You don't know me! :'''Sapphire''': How could I possibly not know you? We always fuse! We always fuse, what are you even going on about fusion? :'''Ruby''': Look at you! ''[laughing]'' You don't even know yourself! Ha! :'''Sapphire''': So don't act so ridiculous. :'''Ruby''': ''I'm'' ridiculous?! :'''Sapphire''': Yes, yes. <hr width=50%/> :'''Steven''': I was so happy when Garnet said she wanted to go on this trip with me and Dad! Home's been awful! Here's been awful! I thought you wanted to have a fun time, but everyone's been acting awful too! It... it just came with us! I don't understand! Is it... is it me? :'''Ruby''': ...No! Steven, it's all us! :'''Sapphire''': But we made him feel like it was his fault... I keep looking into the future, when all of this has already been solved, as if it doesn't matter how you feel in the present! ''[starting to cry]'' No wonder you think I don't care...! :'''Ruby''': Sapphire... No, nonononono! This is all my fault, I... I didn't want to look for a solution, I... I just wanted to be mad! You're right! You're always right! I was being stupid! :'''Sapphire''': I don't think you're stupid! :'''Ruby''': I'm... sorry. ''[gently brushes Sapphire's hair aside, revealing her sad eye]'' :'''Sapphire''': You honestly think I'm not upset about what happened? I was just... trying to do the right thing. :'''Ruby''': I know... ''[starts smiling]'' You know what's nice about being split up? :'''Sapphire''': What? :'''Ruby''': I get to look at you... :'''Sapphire''': ''[pushes her off, laughing]'' Be serious! :'''Ruby''': ''[hugs Sapphire]'' There's my Laughy Sapphy! :'''Sapphire''': Shh! You're embarrassing me in front of Steven! ''[cut to Steven, feeling awkward at the scene]'' === ''Historical Friction'' === :'''Steven''': Hey, Pearl! ''[sees a desolate Pearl sitting on the couch, looking at the ceiling]'' Pearl? :'''Pearl''': ''[jumps up]'' Steven! You're back! :'''Steven''': Yeah... ''[sits down]'' Show business is rough. :'''Pearl''': Is there something I can help you with? :'''Steven''': Not unless you can make William Dewey interesting. :'''Pearl''': How do ''you'' know William Dewey? :'''Steven''': I'm gonna be him in this play! But he's totally boring! He's perfect and he never makes mistakes. :'''Pearl''': ''[sigh]'' Wish I could say the same for myself. :'''Steven''': Yeah, but nobody's like that! Everybody gets stuff wrong, and then you have to keep going and it's hard, which is why it's great when you never stop trying! :'''Pearl''': ..When did you get so smart? === ''Friend Ship'' === :''[Steven and the Gems enter a room in the ship. Peridot appears on a projected screen]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' You Gems really are as dull as dirt! :'''Pearl''': You're the dull one if you thing you can fly this wreck! :'''Peridot''': ''[pauses]'' What? Can you speak louder? Some of these communicators are gunked up. :'''Steven''': ''[cleans off a microphone, speaks into it]'' Pearl says ''you're'' the dull one if you think you can fly this wreck! :'''Peridot''': ''[waits for Steven's response to come through] [laughs]'' Fly? I'm not using this vessel to fly. I'm using it to '''''TRAP YOU!''''' ''[a door closes, trapping Steven and the Gems in the room]'' Isn't this nice? No more Crystal Gems running around, messing with my plans, destroying my things. Looks like I've got you just where I want you. How does it feel to be so easily outsmarted, you '''''CLODS?!''''' :'''Pearl''': No... :'''Amethyst''': ''[speaks into the microphone]'' Hey, uh, this is Amethyst. I don't appreciate being called a clod, you clo- :'''Peridot''': Enough talk! Prepare yourselves for annihilation! ''[dramatically hits a button]'' Hiyah! ''[nothing happens, hits it again]'' Hiyah! :''[the room's laser cannons activate and take aim at Steven and the Gems]'' :'''Peridot''': It works! Yes! '''''DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIIIIE!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garnet''': Pearl, stop. That isn't helping. :'''Pearl''': I have to do something. I can't believe I walked us right into Peridot's trap. This is all my… ''[Peridot's hologram disappears as the ground starts to shake]'' fault? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pearl''': ''[thru screen]'' Garnet… I'm sorry! :'''Amethyst''': Wait a sec! :'''Pearl''': Things weren't supposed to turn out this way... ''[inside, Garnet punches the wall again]'' :'''Garnet''': We'll get outta here somehow. :'''Pearl''': ''[sighs]'' That's not what I mean! I really wanted to catch Peridot to make up for what I did... ''[Garnet withdraws her gauntlets]'' I wanted to prove to you that... that everything could go back to normal... :'''Garnet''': Catching Peridot won't make things go back to normal. ''[thru screen]'' This isn't about Peridot. :'''Amethyst''': Hey... they're actually talking! :'''Steven''': Now they can finally work things out! :''[soon, the gears start to activate and turn and start closing into the trapped two]'' :'''Amethyst''': Not if they get crushed! :''[both Garnet and Pearl push their unflinching sides]'' :'''Pearl''': Please! Tell me! How can I make you forgive me?! :'''Garnet''': You can't! You lied to me! You need to learn that there are consequences to your actions! :'''Pearl''': I'm sorry! I... I couldn't help myself! :'''Garnet''': ''[kicks opposite side of wall next to Pearl]'' I don't want to hear your excuses! :'''Pearl''': But it's true! No matter how hard I try to be strong like you, I'm just a Pearl. I'm useless on my own. ''[cries]'' I need someone to tell me what to do. :''[the walls suddenly stop moving; Both Amethyst and Steven pull her whip on its gears in its place. Garnet and Pearl pause for a beat]'' :'''Pearl''': When we fuse, I can feel what it's like to be you. Confident and secure, and complete. You're perfect. You're the perfect relationship. You're always together, I just... I wanted to be a part of that. :'''Garnet''': You're wrong! I'm not as strong as you think. I fell apart over this. Ruby and Sapphire were in turmoil over how you deceived me. ''[thru screen]'' I came undone. :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, that really happened? :'''Steven''': ''[nods]'' Hm. :'''Garnet''': It's not easy being in control. I have weaknesses too, but I choose not to let them consume me. I struggle to stay strong because I know the impact I have on everyone. Please understand, Pearl. ''[thru screen]'' You have an impact too. ''[inside]'' There are times when I look up to you for strength. You are your ''own'' gem. You control your destiny. Not me, not Rose, not Steven. But you must choose to be strong, so we can move forward. So I can trust you again. :'''Pearl''': I understand. I can't give up anymore! :'''Garnet''': Good. === ''Nightmare Hospital'' === :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': ''[sighs]'' I had a rough day at work and I'm not in the mood for any more surprises. :'''Connie''': Whatsyjf happened at work? :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': There was a really strange case at the hospital today, straight out of a ''nightmare''. ''[beat]'' Oh, don't worry, the rules of doctor-patient confidentiality keep me from sharing the graphic details, but... Hang on a moment. When did we get a coat rack? :'''Connie''': Oh, no... :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': A ''SWORD''?! Connie, where did you get this?! :'''Steven''': I-it's— :'''Connie''': I found it! I just... found it outside and I wanted to show it to Steven. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': How could you possibly think this is okay?! :'''Connie''': It's— :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Do you know how many children I see everyday in the hospital who've cut their faces off playing with swords?! :'''Connie''': I— :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': NONE!! Because they all have parents who love them, and who don't let them play around with deadly weapons like some kind of gang member! No playing with swords, under any circumstances! ''[her cell phone rings, answers it]'' This is Dr. Maheswaran. Yes, calm down, Stromberg. Another one? :'''Steven''': ''[to Connie]'' Is she gonna give it back? :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': All right, I'll-I'll be right there. ''[zips sword in duffle bag]'' I have to go to the hospital. I'll have a talk with your father to calculate just how grounded you are. ''[leaves, comes back]'' And we're using the abacus! ''[leaves again]'' :'''Connie''': I ''hate'' that abacus. Steven, I'm so sorry. She took your mother's sword! :'''Steven''': Maybe we can get her to change her mind? :'''Connie''': She never ''ever'' changes her mind. We've got to get that sword back ourselves. <hr width=50%> :'''Connie''': Mom... I'm really sorry about lying to you. It started off as a tiny secret, and then I felt like if I didn't hide it, you wouldn't let me see Steven ever again. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Is that how you feel? Are we too controlling? :'''Connie''': ..Maybe. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I just wanted to be a good mother. I... I just wanted to protect you. :'''Connie''': I can protect myself now! ''[Dr. Maheswaran pauses for a long beat, sighs]'' :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Okay. ''[Connie winces]'' We'll... pull back on the rules, and I'll try to keep an open mind about ''[Connie's lenses]'' this, and ''[Lion]'' that, and... him. ''[Steven stays frightened]'' It scares me that you can't talk to me. I need to know what's happening in your life. I... I need to step in when you're in over your head. Would you just promise me you'll stop all this lying? :'''Connie''': ''[beat]'' That's a rule. ''[they embrace each other]'' :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I love you, honey. :'''Connie''': I love you too, Mom. === ''Sadie's Song'' === :'''Sadie''': Please, Mom. Don't make me do this. :'''Barb''': Make you? You said you wanted to sing. :'''Sadie''': Yeah! I did! I did! I did, I did. Just like I say lots of things like, "Hey, Mom. Swimming looks fun", then bam! Suddenly, I'm anchoring a 400 meter relay for the Beach City Seals. "Hey, Mom. I thought signing up for softball would be nice." 6 birthdays later, I'm still getting nothing but kneepads and batting helmets. "Hey, Mom. I wanna sing at this year's Beachapalooza", and what do I get? THIS! I just thought, for once, I get to do things my way, but you came in and took over everything like you always do. :'''Barb''': I just wanted everyone to know how talented my daughter is. :'''Sadie''': THIS is not your daughter. :'''Barb''': ''[stunned]'' I'm sorry. === ''Catch and Release'' === :'''Steven''': ''[getting padded by Peridot]'' Why are you acting like this?! :'''Peridot''': You smashed me into a limbless cloud, you trapped me in your bubble dungeon, and you called me... ''cute''! ''[Steven evades her punch, face-flat on the floor]'' :'''Steven''': I didn't poof you! I freed you! ''[Peridot turns back]'' :'''Peridot''': Why would you make such a miscalculation? :'''Steven''': Back at the warp pad, what were you trying to say? Why do we need you? What do you know? :'''Peridot''': What do I know? Everything there is to know about the Cluster, you pebble! :'''Steven''': Cluster? Wait, pebble? :'''Peridot''': My mission. The reason why I'm on this sad rock in the first place! I was to check progress on the Cluster! Just in and out, before it hatches. I wasn't supposed to get stuck here! But now it's going to emerge and nothing can stop it, and we'll all be shattered!! :'''Steven''': Okay, okay, wait, slow down. Now, from the top—emerging, hatching, Clusters? :'''Peridot''': You wanna know? :'''Steven''': Yes. :'''Peridot''': You ''really'' wanna know? :'''Steven''': Yes? <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': ''[in bathroom]'' Hmm... Seems I've discovered some sort of archaic... think chamber. Roomy, with a fresh hint of Earth citrus. ''[lifts toilet seat]'' A perfect crossroads for my escape. :'''Amethyst''': ''[fiddling the bathroom doorknob]'' It's locked. :'''Garnet''': Peridot, open the door! ''[flushing sounds are heard]'' :'''Amethyst''': Uh, if you're trying to flush yourself down the toilet, it ''won't'' work. ''[cut to Peridot spinning inside the toilet bowl]'' Trust me, I've tried. :'''Pearl''': How did she get out?! We bubbled her! :'''Amethyst''': Maybe we needed a bigger bubble. :'''Garnet''': My bubbles are fine. :'''Steven''': ''[sweating nervously]'' I did it. :'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' Steven, why would you do such a thing?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': I'm tired of playing these games. If we can't fight her, fine. We'll talk. Peridot! :'''Peridot''': ''[slips off the sink]'' Whoa! :'''Garnet''': All right, no more fighting. Let's just have a civil conversation. :'''Peridot''': As if I'd negotiate with you, filthy war machine! :'''Garnet''': ''[summons gauntlets]'' Okay, let's kick her butt. :'''Steven''': Wait! :'''Peridot''': Yeah! Destroy me again! ''[hangs on bath curtain pole with a plunger]'' And have fun trying to talk to me when I'm in a ''bubble''! ''[almost slips off]'' :'''Pearl''': I really hate to say it, but unfortunately if she has information, she's more valuable to us like… this. :'''Garnet''': This is going to be tricky. ''[hear knobs turning, water splashing]'' :'''Peridot''': H-h-hot hot hot!! :'''Steven''': You have to turn the knob the other way for cold! ''[later in the kitchen with the Gems]'' Wait, so we're just gonna let her live in my bathroom? :'''Pearl''': Well, yes. What other option do we have? Keep her outside on a leash? === ''When It Rains'' === :'''Garnet''': ''[banging on the bathroom door]'' Open the door, Peridot! If this "Cluster" is putting us in danger, you need to tell us what it is so we can stop it! :'''Peridot''': No! I hate you! I'm not telling you anything about the Cluster! :'''Amethyst''': Oh, come on. Is it like a big, hunk of granola? :'''Peridot''': What's granola? :'''Pearl''': I'm sure it's not granola. Now, Peridot, I'm sure we can reach some sort of agreement. Perhaps a trade is in order? :'''Peridot''': Oh, sure. Why don't you just give me back my leg enhancements and my arm attachments with my screen and my log and all my information. Oh, wait, YOU DESTROYED THEM! So, no, I don't think we can reach some sort of agreement! :'''Steven''': ''[flushing the toilet]'' Okay, Peridot, you can turn around now. ''[exits the bathroom, clears throat]'' Sorry for interrupting your interrogation. :'''Garnet''': Don't worry about it, Steven. :'''Pearl''': I swear, Peridot is gonna crack any second now. :'''Peridot''': I'll ''never'' crack for the likes of you, you… Crystal Clods! ''[laughs]'' :'''Pearl''': ''[angrily]'' Ooh, I got your clods right here, you little…! :'''Garnet''': ''[puts her hand on her shoulder]'' Hold on, Pearl. If she's not gonna be of any help, let's investigate this thing on our own. :'''Steven''': I'll come with you. :'''Garnet''': Sorry, Steven. We're gonna need you to stay here and keep an eye on our…''guest.'' :'''Steven''': Really? :'''Amethyst''': Yeah. Make sure she doesn't try anything. :'''Pearl''': Don't worry. She's harmless without her limb enhancers. :'''Peridot''': I'M NOT HARMLESS! :'''Pearl''': Oh, hush up! <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': These are the early attempts at artificial fusion. :'''Steven''': That's a lot of gem shards. :'''Peridot''': We were growing them here at this very site. But these were just prototypes for the final product, a singular giant artificial fusion, comprised of millions of gem shards…the Cluster. :'''Steven''': Peridot, you're saying there's a giant mutant gem the size of the Earth under us right now? :'''Peridot''': Oh, no. When it forms, it'll be much, much bigger than the Earth. Right now, it lies dormant, incubating in the Earth's core. But when it emerges and takes its physical form, it will destroy the planet. The prototypes are already emerging. The Cluster is next. If we can't get off this planet, we've got to stop the Cluster! I thought it'd be impossible, but now we have a chance. :'''Steven''': What is it? :'''Peridot''': ''[grabs Steven's shoulders and grins malevolently]'' It's you, Steven! ''[she and Steven climb out of the control room]'' Now that you're filled in, we can get to work! :'''Steven''': Uhh, how am I supposed to help? :'''Peridot''': Well, you have all the information that we need about Earth and its erratic behavior. Put that together with my expansive knowledge of the Cluster and we just might be able to stop it! :'''Steven''': No, Peridot, I don't think you get it! Just because I know how clouds work doesn't mean I know how to stop a giant mutant in the center of the earth! Besides, the only reason that I know anything about clouds and rain is because my dad told me. :'''Peridot''': What are you talking about? :'''Steven''': I used to be really scared of thunderstorms, just like you. Then Dad explained how rain and all that stuff works, then I wasn't scared of rain anymore. :'''Peridot''': Well, I'm sure you have other knowledge about how this planet works. :'''Steven''': Sure, but none of it's going to help us. If we want to stop this Cluster thing, we'll need help from the Crystal Gems. :'''Peridot''': I said I don't need them! Let's just warp me back to the bathroom, or whatever you call it, and we'll take care of this. If it looks really bad, then we can just ask this "dad" for help, right? === ''Back to the Barn'' === :'''Peridot''': What is that?! :'''Steven''': ''[speaking with the Cluster puppet]'' It's the Cluster. :'''Peridot''': It does not look like that. But it ''is'' real, and it can activate at any moment! :'''Amethyst''': What a cluster. :'''Garnet''': That abomination must be stopped. :'''Pearl''': But how? We'll need to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth, it'll have to- :'''Peridot''': ''[swats at Pearl, interrupting her]'' Hey! I wasn't finished speaking! What we ''need'' is to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth. <hr width=50%/> :'''Pearl''': All right. What we have here in the barn should be adequate enough for us to get started. First, I recommend we organize the component types, and assemble a rough blueprint based off what we have available. Sorry, Steven. It's a lovely drawing, but it won't look like this. ''[Steven stops spinning on the swivel chair, now frowning]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[examines piece of chalk]'' Hmm... Good. Yes, this is adequate. Thank you. You can go now. :'''Pearl''': ..Uh, what? :'''Peridot''': Hm? ''[beat]'' Umm, that will be all? ''[claps to her for a beat, whispers to Steven]'' How do you get her to leave? :'''Pearl''': Excuse me, I am not leaving. :'''Steven''': Yeah! She's gotta stay here to help us build the drill thing, right? :'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' No, no, you're confused. A Pearl can't build a thing like this. :'''Steven''': Why not? :'''Peridot''': Because Pearls aren't ''for'' this! They're... for standing around, an-and looking nice, and uh... holding your stuff for you. Right? :'''Pearl''': That's enough! If we're going to work together, you're going to have to listen to me. :'''Peridot''': Listen to you? ''[starts laughing, turns to Steven]'' Did you teach her to talk like this? :'''Steven''': What are you talking about? :'''Peridot''': She's a Pearl. She's a made-to-order servant just like the hundreds of other Pearls being flaunted around back on Homeworld. :'''Steven''': Wait... There's hundreds of Pearls?! :'''Pearl''': ''[nervous]'' Well... yes, but— :'''Peridot''': ''[holding Pearl's sash]'' And she looks like a fancy one, too. ''[Pearl gasps]'' :'''Steven''': Hundreds of Pearls... :'''Peridot''': So, who do you belong to anyway? :'''Pearl''': ''[grabs her sash away from her]'' Nobody!! :'''Peridot''': Then... what are you for? ''[Pearl recoils back]'' Well, you can belong to me for now. Ha! A Peridot with a Pearl? What would they say back home? :'''Pearl''': Now listen here, you tiny twerp! In case you've forgotten, you're on ''our'' turf now! And I didn't fight a thousand-year war for this planet's independence to take orders from the likes of ''you''!! :'''Peridot''': Excuse me? I am a natural technician and a certified Kindergartener. I was made for this! You were made to take orders, not to give them! :'''Steven''': Whoa, whoa, hang on, guys! Now, we can all agree that you are both good at building things, so... can't you just try listening to each other? :'''Both''': <big>'''''NO!!'''''</big> :'''Pearl''': I'm as good at building things as you! Better, even! :'''Peridot''': Hah! Name one thing you can engineer better! Go on! :'''Steven''': ''[whispers]'' Robots. :'''Both''': Hm? :'''Steven''': You should build robots. Giant robots! I see a race. A giant robo-race... with prizes. Giant robo-prizes! :'''Pearl''': You mean like a competition? :'''Steven''': Yeah! To see who's better at building stuff! :'''Peridot''': What are these robots you speak of? :'''Steven''': They're like those funky marble guys you were sending—only bigger, and you can ride them! ''[makes robot noises]'' :'''Peridot''': Hah! Building one of these robots will be easy! :'''Pearl''': Well, I can build one faster! :'''Peridot''': That's what you think! === ''Too Far'' === :'''Peridot''': ''[talking into a recorder]'' Log date 7–1-1-2. It's the third rotation of the Earth since commencements of a... collaborative approach to stopping the Cluster. :'''Pearl''': I've finished drawing up the blueprints for the drill head. Peridot, if you could come take a look at this? :'''Peridot''': Remind me again why I should listen to you? Oh, right. ''[plays recorder]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] "The Pearl here has developed an aptitude for engineering that I begrudgingly respect. But that doesn't explain the spontaneous singing... crying... singing while crying." [Amethyst laughs]'' :'''Pearl''': ''[to Steven] [annoyed]'' Why did you give her that? :'''Steven''': Well, we did destroy all her stuff. I thought it might help make her feel a little better. :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] "Clod!" [fast-forwards] "Mighty clod!" [fast-forwards] "Running out of ways to say clod."'' :'''Garnet''': All right. I chased away those cows. Now let's get to work. :'''Peridot''': ''[to Garnet] [clears throat]'' Before we begin, would you mind unfusing? It's making me incredibly uncomfortable. :''[beat as Steven, Amethyst and Pearl nervously look to Garnet. The scene then cuts to Garnet leashing Peridot to a fence.] :'''Peridot''': ''[as Garnet walks away]'' What?! What'd I say?! :'''Steven''': Did we really have to do that? :'''Garnet''': Her having free reign of the place made ''me'' incredibly uncomfortable. <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven and Amethyst walk up to a leashed Peridot growling over a microwave]'' :'''Peridot''': I just need some sort of leverage optimizer... :'''Amethyst''': Leverage optimizer? :'''Peridot''': That's what I said. :'''Amethyst''': Ohhh! Ha! You mean you want a screwdriver? ''[laughing]'' :'''Peridot''': Do you have one or not? :'''Steven''': Uh... ''[hands a screwdriver]'' Why don't you just use this one? :'''Peridot''': Because it was outside my radius. :'''Amethyst''': He-hey... Hey, Peridot... ''[points to her nose]'' What do you call this? :'''Peridot''': A scent sponge. :'''Steven''': Huh? ''[Amethyst laughs some more]'' :'''Amethyst''': Okay... ''[opens her eye]'' what's this? :'''Peridot''': Vision sphere. :'''Steven''': Peridot, that's— :'''Amethyst''': Wait, wait, Steven! Peridot... ''[waves her fingers]'' these? :'''Peridot''': ''[getting annoyed]'' Touch stumps. :'''Amethyst''': ''[points to her foot]'' This?! :'''Peridot''': Gravity connectors. :'''Amethyst''': ''This''?! :'''Peridot''': '''THAT'S YOUR BUTT!!!''' ''[Steven and Amethyst laugh out loud]'' :'''Steven''': Oh, man, Peridot, you're killing me! :'''Peridot''': I am not! That would violate our truce agreement! :'''Amethyst''': No, no, no! You're funny! :'''Peridot''': Funny? <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': The strangest thing is, Amethyst... you think you have to listen to them! ''[laughs]'' You are the one they should put you in charge! :'''Amethyst''': Ha! That's your best joke yet. :'''Peridot''': No, really. Pearl is a Pearl. Garnet is a fusion. I don't even know what ''he's'' supposed to be. :'''Steven''': Hey! :'''Peridot''': You're the only Crystal Gem that's actually a Gem! :'''Amethyst''': Uh... ''[laughs nervously]'' What? :'''Peridot''': You outrank everyone on your team. They should be listening to you. You're a strong, singular, fully-functional soldier, despite the fact that you're defective. :'''Amethyst''': ..Defective? :'''Peridot''': Well, sure. You're small. :'''Amethyst''': So? :'''Peridot''': Well, you're not supposed to be! Hold on, wait, wait. Let me guess. ''[points to Amethyst's hole]'' This— ''[runs to hole]'' This is the hole you came out of. Too small, too low, the exit marks look about 500 years newer than every other hole. Hmm... this place must have been empty when you came out. No wonder you have no idea what you're supposed to look like! :'''Steven''': Peridot... ''[Amethyst holds Steven on the shoulder]'' :'''Amethyst''': What was I supposed to look like? :'''Peridot''': Well, you're a quartz. They're huge, loyal soldiers. You should be twice your size. Broad shouldered, intimidating, but you simply stayed in the ground too long. :'''Amethyst''': Are you saying I'm wrong?! :'''Peridot''': ''[laughing]'' Gemetically speaking, yes. When you think about it it's also... ''[snickers]'' funny! ''[Amethyst feels more enraged]'' :'''Steven''': Amethyst? :'''Peridot''': Hey, soldier. Maybe you can help me get this hunk of drill off. :''[Amethyst violently slashes the drill head off of an Injector with her whip]'' :'''Peridot''': See? Look at that! You can do everything a normal quartz can do. Let's head back and shove this thing in Pearl's face! :'''Steven''': Amethyst? Are you okay? :'''Amethyst''': Don't worry about it. <hr width=50% /> :'''Pearl''': ''WE LEAVE FOR ONE SECOND AND EVERYTHING GOES OFF THE RAILS!'' :'''Garnet''': I blame the cows. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' "''Log date 7-1-1-2. This entire planet is backwards. There hasn't been one instance of correct behavior exhibited by anyone of these Crystal Gems. I have concluded that they are all defective. But I am no better. I failed my mission and I'm now working with the enemy. And I can't even get that right. I have apparently "hurt" Amethyst's "feelings", which was not my intent. If I damaged my standing with the best Gem here, then I've made a serious mistake. I'm still learning. I hope you understand. I want to understand. I'm sorry. [pause] Peridot, Facet 5, end log.''" === ''The Answer'' === :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Sapphire had been called to Earth by Blue Diamond, specifically to share her vision of the future. :'''Sapphire''': ''[enters her Diamond's palanquin]'' My Diamond, I have arrived. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond spoke… :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Sapphire, tell me what will happen here. :'''Sapphire''': I foresee the rebels attacking the Cloud Arena. Before they are cornered, they will destroy the physical forms of seven gems, including two of my Ruby guards, and myself. Immediately after my form is destroyed, the rebels will be captured. The rebellion ends here. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Thank you, Sapphire. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond said, relieved. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': That's all I needed to know. :'''Sapphire''': I look forward to speaking with you again once I reform back on Homeworld. <hr width=50% /> :'''Rose''': ''[off-screen]'' Blue Diamond, leave this planet! This colony will ''not'' be completed! :'''Ruby Guard''': It's the rebels! :'''Various Gems''': Who are you?! Show yourselves! :'''Rose''': ''[floating from above Pearl]'' We… :'''Rose & Pearl''': …are the Crystal Gems! :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The attack was right on schedule. <hr width=50% /> :'''Sapphire''': Thank you, Ruby. You did your best. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Ruby suddenly realized what Sapphire meant. She'd known that Ruby would fail. Sapphire had accepted it. But Ruby… Ruby could not. :'''Ruby''': ''NO!!'' ''[charges at Sapphire, pushing her out of the way of Pearl's attack, causing them to spin into the air and accidentally fuse into Garnet for the first time]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The furious crowd closed in around Ruby and Sapphire. They'd never seen fusion of two different types of gems. :'''Various Gems''': Unbelievable! Disgusting! This is unheard of! :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond's voice cut through the crowd. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': The rebels have fled. Sapphire, this is ''not'' the scenario you described. :'''Sapphire''': This is… not what I saw! I don't know what happened, I… :'''Ruby''': No! It was me! :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Clearly. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Said Blue Diamond. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': How dare you fuse with a member of my court? :'''Ruby''': Forgive me, I… :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': You will be broken for this! <hr width=50% /> :'''Both''': ''Where did we go, what did we do?'' :''I think we made something entirely new'' :''And it wasn't quite me and it wasn't quite you'' :''I think it was someone entirely new.'' :'''Ruby''': ''Oh, um'' :''Well, I just can't stop thinking'' :'''Sapphire''': ''So, um'' :''Did you say I was different?'' :'''Ruby''': ''And you hadn't before'' :'''Sapphire''': ''Of course not'' :''When would I have ever?'' :'''Ruby''': ''I'm so sorry'' :'''Sapphire''': ''No, no, don't be'' :'''Ruby''': ''And now you're here forever!'' :'''Sapphire''': ''What about you?'' :'''Ruby''': ''What about me?'' :'''Sapphire''': ''Well, you're here too'' :''We're here together.'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm'' :'''Both''': ''Mm-m-m-m-mm, hm-m-m-m-m'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm...'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' I was back. I was someone and I didn't know who. But I felt I was getting the hang of my strange new form. ''[beat]'' And then I fell. :'''Past Garnet''': Ahh! ''[tumbling down a hill and crashes in bushes]'' Ouch... ''[a sword is pointed to her face]'' Aahh! Don't hurt her! Don't hurt... me? :''[Pan up to see Pearl as the sword bearer]'' :'''Pearl''': It's you... the fusion. :'''Past Garnet''': We didn't mean to fuse! Well... well, we did this time. We'll unfuse! We-we'll... w-we'll... ''[Rose Quartz comes by]'' :'''Rose''': No, no, please. I'm glad to see you again. :'''Garnet''': And there they were - Rose Quartz, the leader of the rebellion and her terrifying renegade Pearl. :'''Past Garnet''': I don't... upset you? :'''Rose''': Who cares about how I feel? How ''you'' feel is bound to be much more interesting. :'''Past Garnet''': How I feel? I-I feel... uh, lost... and scared... a-and happy. W-Why am I so sure that I'd rather be this than everything I was supposed to be, and that I'd rather do this than everything I was supposed to do? ''[Rose chuckles and smiles]'' :'''Rose''': Welcome to Earth. :'''Past Garnet''': C-Can you tell me?! How was Ruby able to alter fate? Or, why was Sapphire willing to give up everything? W-What am I?! :'''Rose''': No more questions. Don't ''ever'' question this. You already are the answer. :''[Flashback story ends as Garnet concludes]'' :'''Steven''': So…what was it? The answer? :'''Garnet''': ''[whispers]'' Love. :'''Steven''': Wow… I knew it. :'''Garnet''': So did I. === ''Steven's Birthday'' === :''[Steven runs and hides to an edge of the barn; he de-ages into his normal state]'' :'''Steven''': Ohhh, geez! If I can just keep this up for the rest of my life, no one will suspect a thi— :''[he sees wide-eyed Amethyst and Greg staring at Steven for a beat; he drops a piñata stick]'' :'''Amethyst''': What are you doing?! :'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' U-uh— well, what are ''[ages back]'' you doing? :'''Greg''': What are ''you'' doing to your body?! :'''Amethyst''': Woah, woah, woah... Have you been stretching yourself out all day?! :'''Steven''': No! I was just... slouching. :'''Greg''': Why are you doing this? It... really isn't like you. :'''Steven''': Because, Dad! I can't stay a kid forever! When Connie grows up and becomes president, what is that gonna make me? First Boy?! :'''Amethyst''': Steven, you can't just keep stretching forever. If you hold it too long, you could really hurt yourself. :'''Steven''': Yeah, well, I'm half-human so maybe it works different for me! We'll just have to wait and see, right?! :'''Greg''': ''[sighs]'' Steven... <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': ''[trying to cheer up baby Steven but fails]'' My power means nothing to an infant. <hr width=50%/> :''[Greg, Connie and Amethyst (as a baby car seat for baby Steven) drive up in his van; Connie waves a maraca trying to calm down baby Steven]'' :'''Connie''': How can the Gems not know what to do?! :'''Greg''': You think they know the first thing about raising a baby? That was all me! But I don't get it. Driving always used to calm him down. :'''Connie''': But, how do we change him back?! :'''Greg''': I don't know! Look, Connie, let me take you home. I-I'll call you when this all this gets sorted out. :''[Connie turns to baby Steven babbling and crying]'' :'''Connie''': W-Wait, no! I wanna stay. :'''Greg''': Are you sure? :'''Connie''': Yeah! I just want to be there for Steven. Don't worry, Steven. It doesn't matter to me what age it seems like you are, I wanna hang out with you no matter what. Your dad still has to earn his car wash and the Gems have to do gem stuff, so I'll watch you when they're not around. I can come see you after I'm done training with Pearl, too. Doesn't that sound fun? ''[baby Steven holds onto her finger; coos happily]'' :'''Greg''': Look at that! He finally stopped crying. :'''Connie''': Well, that's a start. ''[Amethyst clears her throat]'' :'''Greg''': What's up, Amethyst? :'''Amethyst''': Baby Steven needs changin'. === ''It Could've Been Great'' === :'''Steven''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :''And peace and war on the planet Earth'' :''Is there anything that's worth more'' :''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?'' :''Whoahh, come on and sing it with me'' :'''Peridot''': Sing? :'''Steven''': ''The words relate to the key'' :'''Peridot''': Key? :'''Steven''': ''If it's a pattern, if it's a pattern'' :''Then just repeat after me.'' :''Life and death and love and birth'' :'''Peridot''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :'''Steven''': ''Now using mi-fa-mi-mi-fa-mi-ti-la!'' :'''Both''': ''And peace and war on the planet Earth.'' :'''Steven''': Yes, yes! That's it! :'''Peridot''': That's so easy. :'''Steven''': Yeah, but that's what's fun about it! You should write something, you should write a song. :'''Peridot''': About what? :'''Steven''': Whatever you're thinking. <hr width=25% /> :'''Peridot''': ''I guess we're already here, I guess we already know'' :''We've all got something to fear, we've all got nowhere to go'' :''I think you're all '''insane''', but I guess I am too'' :''Anybody would be if they were stuck on Earth with you.'' :'''Steven''': ''[laughing]'' Yes! ''Life and death and love and birth and'' :'''Amethyst''': ''Life and death and love and birth and'' :'''Pearl''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :''And peace and war on the planet Earth.'' :'''Garnet''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :'''Steven''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :'''Peridot''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': Coordinates! We still the Cluster's exact coordinates in order to drill! :'''Pearl''': There's a Diamond base that may hold that information, but getting there is going to be difficult. :'''Steven''': How come? :'''Pearl''': Because it's not accessible by warp pad, and it's on… ''[gazes up into the sky]'' :'''Steven''': ''[gasps]'' The moon?! <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': Huh? Hey, Peridot, who is this supposed to be? :'''Peridot''': ''[runs up and gasps at the mural]'' It's Blue Diamond! Wait. Are they ''all'' here?! Ah, yes! There she is! :'''Steven''': Who? :''[They run up to the mural of Yellow Diamond]'' :'''Peridot''': Behold, Yellow Diamond! Isn't she magnificent? :'''Steven''': Wow! So, who are the Diamonds anyway? They seem like a big deal. :'''Peridot''': Are you joking me? The Diamonds are the Gem matriarchs! Together, they make up the Great Diamond Authority that governs Homeworld and all the outlying colonies! We live to serve them. ''[Garnet clears her throat and glares down at her in annoyance; nervously chuckles]'' I…I mean, we were all made to serve them, even though some of us don't anymore. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': This is so incredible! Only the most elite can enter these sanctums. We are literally walking in the footsteps of the Diamonds. :'''Steven''': They must really like stairs. :''[They enter an upstairs room with only a single mysterious object in the middle]'' :'''Steven''': Hey, what's this room? :'''Garnet''': ''[continues walking upstairs]'' It's not what we came for. :'''Amethyst''': Can we hurry it up? This place gives me the creeps. :'''Steven''': ''[as they reach the top of the moon base]'' We really are on the moon. <hr width=50% /> :''[Peridot brings up a hologram of Earth, which starts eroding to a hollowed-out version with a ring system as Steven and the Gems awe in shock]'' :'''Peridot''': Ta-da! A finished Earth colony. Wow, look at this! Eighty-nine Kindergartens, sixty-seven spires, a Galaxy Warp in each facet, efficient use of all available materials. What were you thinking shutting this operation down?! It could've been great! :'''Garnet''': No! You're wrong! :'''Peridot''': What do you mean? It's perfect. Look at it! :'''Pearl''': We ''are'' looking at it. :'''Amethyst''': Yeah, this plan stinks! :'''Garnet''': Completing this colony would have meant the extinction of all life on Earth! :'''Peridot''': But think of the good it would've done! The Gems that would've been made are empire expanded! :'''Pearl''': Rose Quartz believed all life was precious and ''worth'' protecting. :'''Peridot''': Well, if she wanted to protect it, she did a lousy job! There'd be no Cluster if the Earth had stayed a colony! Now there's no colony, and there's gonna be no Earth! So thank you, Rose Quartz, you doomed the planet! :''[Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst stare angrily at Peridot for a beat]'' :'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! ''[nervously]'' Is there anything that's worth more than— ''[Garnet picks up Peridot]'' :'''Garnet''': You listen to me now. ''[summons gauntlet]'' You were talking about things that you do ''not'' understand. :'''Steven''': Garnet! Stop, please! It's not worth it. We're done here. Let's just go home. :''[Garnet drops Peridot on the seat and smashes the control panel with her gauntlet and the hologram dissipates; the Gems start leaving soon after. Steven sighs]'' :'''Peridot''': What'd I say? I'm just stating a fact. The rebellion didn't really save Earth, it just delayed the inevitable. :'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' That's not the way they see it. They've spent thousands of years trying to protect the Earth. I thought maybe you finally understood why. === ''Message Received'' === :'''Peridot''': ''[quickly hides the Diamond Communicator prism she took from the Moon Base behind her back when she sees Steven]'' Oh! Steven. :'''Steven''': Peridot, I need to talk to you. :'''Peridot''': Uh, yeah! Sure. :''[They both enter the truck]'' :'''Peridot''': Why are we in this broken down vehicle? :'''Steven''': I wanted to ask you…about the Diamonds? :'''Peridot''': Oh! I don't know what the others have told you, but there's a reason they're in charge. :'''Steven''': Why's that? :'''Peridot''': They're objectively better than us. Every Gem has their strengths and weaknesses, but not them. They're absolutely totally completely flawless beings! Especially my diamond, Yellow Diamond, the most perfect, the most reasonable, rational, efficient decider ever to exist in the universe! :'''Steven''': You're really loyal to her, aren't you? :'''Peridot''': How could I not be? We might have our little truce, but I'll never forsake the Gem I was made for! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yellow Pearl''': This is the Yellow Diamond control room. :'''Amethyst''': Is that another Pearl? :'''Steven''': Who is she? :'''Pearl''': Not all Pearls know each other, Steven. :'''Yellow Pearl''': Who authorized you to make this call? :'''Peridot''': No one. But it's an emergency! :'''Yellow Pearl''': That's no excuse to use the direct Diamond communication channel! :'''Yellow Diamond''': Pearl? :'''Yellow Pearl''': Yes, my Diamond? :'''Yellow Diamond''': Why is there someone on the diamond line? :'''Yellow Pearl''': I don't know! I was just about to tell her that… :'''Yellow Diamond''': I'll take it from here. ''[brings the screen up to her eye level, revealing herself]'' :''[The Crystal Gems gasp in shock]'' :'''Amethyst''': Is that… :'''Pearl''': Yellow… :'''Garnet''': Diamond. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peridot''': Wait! I— I wouldn't have called just to waste your time with a report. :'''Yellow Diamond''': You already have. :'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' No, I mean... The reason I called – the ''real'' reason... I believe we should terminate the Cluster. :'''Yellow Diamond''': ...''Why?'' :'''Peridot''': The organic ecosystem creates resources unique to this world. We can't sacrifice all that potential just for one geo-weapon! I'd like to tell you some plans I came up with to utilize the planet without disrupting the local— :'''Yellow Diamond''': I've heard enough! I don't care about potential and resources. :'''Peridot''': What? :'''Yellow Diamond''': I want my Cluster, and I want that planet to ''die''. Just make that happen. :'''Peridot''': ...No! :'''Yellow Pearl''': Huh?! :'''Yellow Diamond''': Are you questioning my authority? :'''Peridot''': I'm questioning your objectivity! My Diamond. :'''Yellow Pearl''': Well! ''[Yellow Diamond stands up]'' :'''Yellow Diamond''': You are out of line. :'''Peridot''': I just think— :'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm not interested in the puny thoughts of a Peridot. :'''Peridot''': But— :'''Yellow Diamond''': You have disrespected this channel and my time with your presence, and you would do well to— :'''Peridot''': But— :'''Yellow Diamond''': ''Shut your mouth!!'' ''[beat]'' You have failed at every stage of this mission! Your only chance to redeem yourself is to obey this simple order: You are to leave the Cluster to grow. It will tear apart the Earth, and I will take immense satisfaction in erasing that hideous rock off of our star maps! ''Is that clear?!'' :'''Peridot''': I won't do it!! I can tell you with certainty that there are things on this planet worth protecting! ''[Steven smiles]'' :'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you know about the Earth?! :'''Peridot''': ''[losing her temper]'' APPARENTLY MORE THAN ''YOU'', YOU... <big>'''''CLOD!'''''</big> ''[Yellow Diamond suddenly becomes incredibly livid at a petrified Peridot]'' Uhh... Peridot out. :''[She terminates communication; Steven and the Gems come out from hiding and happily congratulate Peridot]'' :'''Steven''': That was AMAZING! :'''Peridot''': ''[sweating and looking devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that... :'''Steven''': I was so wrong about being so wrong about you! :'''Peridot''': ''[still sweating and devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...! :'''Garnet''': You thought you could change her mind. :'''Amethyst''': Yellow D got torn down by the "Peridactyl"! :'''Peridot''': ''[sighs and gives the communicator to Pearl]'' Can one of you take this? :'''Pearl''': Why? :'''Peridot''': Because it can be remotely detonated. :''[The communicator starts to glow red; Steven and the Gems panic while Peridot curls up into a ball on the ground]'' :'''Pearl''': How do we stop it?! :'''Garnet''': Just get rid of it! :'''Pearl''': Err, here, Amethyst! ''[passes it to her]'' :'''Amethyst''': ''WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?!'' :''[She throws it to Steven, who bubbles it; Garnet punches it away into the sky, where it explodes harmlessly]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[still curled up]'' I thought I could reason with her... :'''Amethyst''': ''[grinning]'' Yeah, you ''REALLY'' made her mad. :'''Pearl''': ''[smiling]'' And then you insulted her to her face. :'''Steven''': ''[overjoyed]'' Do you know what this means?! :'''Peridot''': I'm a traitor to my Homeworld. :'''Steven''': ''You're a Crystal Gem!!!'' ''[hugs Peridot]'' :'''Garnet''': ''[smiling]'' Whether you like it or not. :''[Peridot starts groaning loudly as the camera zooms out to the whole of Earth]'' === ''Log Date 7 15 2'' === :'''Peridot''': Log Date 7-1-5-2. I can't believe I just did that! I disobeyed my orders and went against Yellow Diamond's wishes! I'm a traitorous clod! I never want to think about what I've done again! ''[stops recording, rewinds and plays the recording; laughs madly]'' And I called Yellow Diamond a clod! Right to her face! ''[falls to her knees]'' I called Yellow Diamond a clod. ''Right to her face.'' :'''Steven''': Uh, Peridot? Are you going to be okay? :'''Peridot''': ''[enthusiastically with a deranged smile]'' No! :'''Steven''': It's all going to work out. You're with us now. :'''Peridot''': You don't understand! I'm protecting a planet I was once trying to destroy! I used to follow every order, every rule. Now I'm a traitor. ''[cringes]'' A rebel! ''[eyes turn to stars] '''A CRYSTAL GEMMMMMMMMMMMM....''' ''[snickers]'' :'''Steven''': Well, that tape recorder seems to be helping. :'''Peridot''': '''NO IT'S NOT!''' ''[throws recorder at Garnet, who had just entered]'' It's a chronicle of my descent into madness!!! :'''Garnet''': ''[holding out recorder to Peridot]'' You dropped this. :'''Peridot''': Get it away from me! Give it to Steven. Return madness to its source! <hr width=50%/> :''[Steven presses the rewind button on the tape recorder, rewinding all the way back to the beginning]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' Log Date 7-1-1-2. The Steven has given me this Earth machine to replace my communicator log. It looks…extremely primitive. He also said he wanted me to stop calling him, "the Steven." :'''Steven''': It's just "Steven." :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' I said I'd call him whatever I want. ''[hisses at him; Steven holds up his finger in her face]'' He told me that was rude. :'''Steven''': Rude. :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' I guess I'll call him, "Steven." <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': "Jokes." ''[opens up the joke book; clears throat]'' "Why did the chicken cross the road? The chicken wanted to get to the other side of the road." ''[laughs]'' What's a chicken? <hr width=50%/> :''[Steven installs a TV, inserts a VHS tape in it, and ''Camp Pining Hearts'' begins to start]'' :'''TV Narrator''': ''On the last episode of ''"Camp Pining Hearts"…'' :'''Paulette''': I don't care that you're on the yellow team, Percy. We can make this work! :'''Percy''': It's color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you? :''[They lean in closer to kiss]'' :'''Peridot''': What is this strange ritual? :'''Steven''': Uh, that's um… :'''Peridot''': Are they attempting fusion? :'''Steven''': No, well, my dad told me during certain stages in your life-- :'''Peridot''': How could anyone indulge in this baseless drivel?! I'll have no part of it! ''[through recorder]'' ''Hour 78 of ''"Camp Pining Hearts."'' [repeating Percy's line] ''It's the color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?'' :'''Steven''': Uh, you've been here for a few days. Is everything okay? :'''Peridot''': I've just been… watching your previously recorded entertainment. :'''Steven''': Is that the same episode from three days ago? :'''Peridot''': There's more than one? :'''Steven''': Hmm... nah. Oh, you made a picture. ''[reaches a piece of paper before Peridot snatches it]'' :'''Peridot''': Picture?! This isn't just a picture, Steven! It's a complex chart cataloging the compatible characteristics between campers. Somehow, the rejects at Camp Clod fail to recognize the superior pair that is Pierre and Percy. :'''Steven''': Well, that's 'cause Paulette likes Percy. :'''Peridot''': Paulette? Ha! Paulette has ''no'' place in the camp's hierarchy. Now, Pierre-- Pierre is a brute! Pierre laid waste to the three-legged races. Pierre and Percy present the strongest battle formation. They'd destroy the camp! :'''Steven''': You got all this from one episode? :'''Peridot''': It's ''{{w|subtext}}'', Steven. Allow me to explain. ''[cut back to recorder held by Steven]'' ''Well, first of all, Percy and Pierre are both on the yellow team, and als-'' :'''Steven''': Ugh, I remember this part. ''[fast-forwards recorder as we see Peridot speeding through the entire session; Steven soon falls asleep with Garnet now sitting on the couch]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[sped through]'' ''Percy is using his pogo stick to save her. Not to mention Percy is adept at aquatic sports. He would have won the canoe race if he weren't so busy drooling over Paulette, and the other part where Percy goes to the bottom of the lake to get Paulette's friendship bracelet ''proves'' that he has the largest lung capacity in the entire camp! And Pierre is a force to be reckoned with on land, when he hung Bunk Seven's underwear in the tree, the whole-'' ''[fast-forwarding stops]'' And that's why Percy and Pierre are objectively the best for each other! ''[Steven slumps down the floor; Garnet gives a thumbs up; tears up her complex chart, angrily]'' ''GRAHHH!!!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' Pearl really tries for some reason and I can appreciate that. Amethyst's company is entertaining as well, but the fused one… ''[sees Garnet for a long beat, she gives her a thumbs up]'' …eludes me. <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': Peridot, I'm proud of you. :'''Peridot''': Why?! :'''Garnet''': Because you've made an effort to understand me. :'''Peridot''': But I ''still'' don't understand you! Why are you fused all the time?! :'''Garnet''': I'm Percy and Pierre. :'''Peridot''': ''[realizing]'' Oh! :''[Steven fast-forwards the tape recorder]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] Okay, go.'' :'''Garnet''': ''[through recorder] Log Date 7-14-2.'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] No, you say it "7-1-4-2." [groans] Log Date 7-1-4-2. I have attempted a fusion with the fusion Garnet. I had hoped to gain a better understanding of fusion. Instead, I gained a better understanding of Garnet. :'''Garnet''': ''[through recorder] Wait, keep it on a moment. Steven, you probably shouldn't have listened to Peridot's logs, but I know your curiosity comes from a place of caring. You should give the recorder back to her now. She's going to want to keep it.'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] Wait, what?'' [[Category:Steven Universe seasons]] pp57e6gfdytinzacws7c6dmwhh4de2t 3157930 3157929 2022-08-25T20:32:12Z 162.197.99.132 /* Say Uncle */ wikitext text/x-wiki ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]] ---- {{italic title}} The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''. === ''Full Disclosure'' === :'''Greg''': I saw the spaceship starting to leave and then it crashed and I came back and— ''[sees Steven's black eye]'' Ugh, your eye... But you're okay! I guess those jerks were no match for the Crystal Gems! :'''Steven''': No way! They were super strong! :'''Greg''': But you were able to beat them back? :'''Steven''': No, they totally stomped us! This warrior Jasper was super beefy and knocked me unconscious. Then they abducted me onto the ship because they wanted to take me away forever, and then we crashed the ship and I almost died! ''[Greg freaks out]'' :'''Greg''': W-What do they want with you?! :'''Steven''': They think I'm Mom. :'''Greg''': Ar-are more Homeworld Gems gonna come after you?! :'''Steven''': I— uhh... I don't know. Maybe? :'''Greg''': Steven, I'm supportive and very proud of you... and I'll be right back. ''[runs into his van]'' Gotta calm down. Where's my— ''[brings a series of CDs up front]'' Where's my relaxing music CD?! This one? ''[inserts CD; starts blaring loud metal music]'' Wrong one!! Stop!! Eject!! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronaldo''': Oh! I see... You come up here to brood too! :'''Steven''': Brood? :'''Ronaldo''': Yes, Steven. That's just what people like us do. Suffer quietly, shouldering the knowledge no one else can bear. :'''Steven''': Hm. :'''Ronaldo''': As an aficionado of the weird yourself, you've probably noticed ordinary people fear the cold leaded anchor of the truth. The abyss is no Sunday swan ride. :'''Steven''': I know! My dad flipped out when I told him! :'''Ronaldo''': Sounds typical. But it's a good reminder. This is no easy path we've chosen here. There are... sacrifices. Look at them all down there, Steven. It's our duty to let those simple people live out their simple lives, without ever knowing the burden of being friends with us. :'''Steven''': At least we can be there for each other. :'''Ronaldo''': Is that giant hand from the sky sitting right in the middle of the beach?! I gotta get some of this for my blog! <hr width="50%"> :'''Amethyst''': Aw, come on! :'''Garnet''': No whining. We need to start cleaning up the debris. :'''Pearl''': Garnet's right. People are already coming back into town! :'''Steven''': We've got to keep them off the beach. If any humans got access to Gem technology, ''[shuts blinds]'' they could really hurt themselves. Maybe we should shut them out... for good. :'''Pearl''': You know... we did once have a fence. Let's get a new one—with barbed wire! :'''Amethyst''': This time, let's build a moat. I could be... ''[shapeshifts her head]'' the crocodi-i-ile!! Jazz hands! :'''Garnet''': No. :'''Amethyst''': Why not? :'''Pearl''': You always say you'll be the crocodile, but you never commit! :'''Garnet''': No fence either. :'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Garnet! :'''Garnet''': Steven needs to see his father and his friends. :'''Steven''': No, I don't! I can't keep clinging to the vestiges of my humanity. It's time I got serious. ''[his phone starts ring-toning again]'' Errh! :'''Pearl''': Steven, why is your communication device playing that song? :'''Steven''': It's Connie, trying to call me... but I can't face her anymore. :'''Pearl''': So... you're just going to ignore her forever? :'''Steven''': It's the responsible thing to do. :'''Amethyst''': ''[sees thru blinds]'' It's gonna be hard, 'cause she's coming up the steps right now. :'''Steven''': What?! === ''Open Book'' === === ''Joy Ride'' === :'''Steven''': Family stuff is tricky. :'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': Mmhm. :'''Steven''': A few months back, my dad and the Gems grounded me from TV. :'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': That's the worst. / Bummer. / No way! :'''Steven''': And then I found out that the Gems are alien rebels and that there are other Gems out in space that want us dead 'cause they think we're traitors. And they tried to take me hostage 'cause they think I'm my mom. And... maybe I kinda am? ''[sighs]'' I wish I could talk to Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl about it, but... I think they kinda blame me for my mom not being around. :''[Buck, Sour Cream and Jenny are in a state of shock for a beat. Jenny turns off the radio]'' :'''Jenny''': That's heavy. :'''Steven''': I guess. <hr width=50%> :'''Garnet''': Steven... you're ungrounded from TV. === ''[[w:Say Uncle (Steven Universe)|Say Uncle]]'' === :'''Steven''': ''[taking a deep breath]'' Shield. ''[his gem glows; slowly opens his eyes, finding himself encased his bubble shield]'' No! Not bubble shield! ''[dispels his bubble and throws a little tantrum]'' What am I doing wrong? The Gems can all summon ''their'' weapons, why can't I? ''[desperate]'' Isn't there somebody who can help me?! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Steven''': Oh my gosh! Uncle Grandpa! You're really here, I can't believe it! I mean… I literally can't believe it. How is this even possible?! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Don't worry, bro. None of this is canon. ''[pulls a real cannon out of Belly Bag]'' But this is! ''[launches his head like a cannonball with smoke trails spelling "APRIL FOOLS" and crashes into a ship with Lars and Sadie on it]'' :'''Lars''': Oh, no!! Our ship!! <hr width=50% /> :'''Amethyst''': Steven! :'''Pearl''': What's going on?! Who is this stranger? :'''Steven''': He's not a stranger, he's Uncle Grandpa! :''[Uncle Grandpa honks his nose]'' :'''Amethyst''': "Uncle… Grandpa"? :'''Pearl''': So that would make him Greg's brother… ''and'' father? :'''Garnet''': That would explain a lot. <hr width=50% /> :'''Pizza Steve''': Oh hey, it's just me, Pizza Steve—just the coolest and tastiest Steve who ever lived. :'''Steven''': Hi, Pizza Steve! I'm a Steve too! Steven Universe. :'''Pizza Steve''': ''Stee''-ven Universe... ''[pops out on top of Steven's hair]'' Come on, Uncle G. I've got two rules—no more than 40 or 50 vans, and only '''ONE''' Steve allowed! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yeah, but this Steven is special. :'''Mr. Gus''': Yeah. He's a Crystal Gem. :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Good mornin', Mr. Gus. :'''Mr. Gus''': What's up, Uncle Grandpa? :'''Steven''': Whoa, Mr. Gus! How do you know about me? :'''Mr. Gus''': I have a comprehensive knowledge of all magical denizens of the multiverse. I know ''ALL'' about the Crystal Gems. Come on, man, check this out. I even made my own Gemsona. ''[shows art of "Mr. Gusite"]'' My gem is on my tail, and my weapon is a fryin' pan. <hr width=50% /> :''[The Gems run frantically across the plot hole many times, stop for a breather]'' :'''Garnet''': There's got to be some way out of here. :'''Pearl''': ''[extremely panicked]'' WE'LL NEVER ESCAPE!! ''THIS'' IS OUR NEW ''HOME!!'' :'''Garnet''': Pearl, you're overreacting. :'''Pearl''': <big>'''I'M NOT OVERREACTING!!!'''</big> :''[Pearl runs around screaming until she crashes into Amethyst]'' :'''Amethyst''': Hey, where's Steven? ''[Pizza Steve walks in dressed like Steven]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Lookin' for me, Pizza Steven Universe? ''[Pearl gasps, cowers behind Garnet]'' :'''Pearl''': That's not my baby! :'''Amethyst''': Ah, nice! ''[eyes on Pizza Steve]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Whoa, hold on! :'''Amethyst''': ''Pizzaaaaaa!!'' ''[chases Pizza Steve offscreen]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Don't eat Pizza Steve! ''[munching noises]'' :''[Amethyst walks back on, putting on Pizza Steve's sunglasses from out of her mouth]'' :'''Garnet''': Okay, I'm ready for this episode to end. ''[stomps her foot on the ground, causing the plot hole to crack and shatter, leaving them back at the beach]'' :''[They see Steven, Uncle Grandpa, Lion, and Giant Realistic Flying Tiger having a tea party]'' :'''Uncle Grandpa''': ''[sighs]'' I'm sorry I couldn't help you learn to use your shield, Steven. :'''Steven''': It's okay, Uncle Grandpa. I had a lotta fun today. :'''Gems''': Steven! :'''Garnet''': Get away from that man! :'''Pearl''': He's a '''''MONSTER!''''' :''[Amethyst hisses and growls]'' :'''Steven''': Hey, cut it out guys. He's done enough already. <hr width=50% /> :'''Gems''': ''[diving towards Uncle Grandpa while beating him up]'' '''''FINISH HIM!!!!!''''' :'''Steven''': ''[rushing in as a chibi]'' No, don't hurt him! ''[lets out a small fart; in slow-motion]'' '''''STOOOOP!!!!!!''''' ''[his gem begins to glow and halts the Gems, in shock and surprise, with his shield]'' Whoa! ''[turns to Uncle Grandpa]'' I did it, Uncle Grandpa! I really did it! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yay. :'''Pearl''': Protecting HIM activated Steven's powers?! :'''Garnet''': He must really care about this stranger. :'''Amethyst''': I hope he didn't care about that pizza. :'''Steven''': Listen! It was a big, weird surprise when Uncle Grandpa showed up here today. We've never met anyone like Uncle Grandpa, but you can't just attack people you don't understand. You have to stick up for them, and listen to what they have to say. You guys always do that for me. :'''Pearl''': ''[blushing with tears in her eyes, feeling guilty and sorry]'' Steven, you're right. ''[cries emotionally]'' HOW CAN I BE SO BLIND?! I'M SORRY! :'''Amethyst''': I also apologize for Pearl. :'''Garnet''': Thank you, you taught us a valuable lesson, Uncle Grandpa. <hr width=50% /> :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Boy, that sure makes my eyes hurt. Now let's see here... ''[grabs a checklist revealing several other Cartoon Network protagonists]'' Dexter, Dee-dee, Blossom, Bubbles, Buttercup, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Billy, Mandy, Mac, Juniper Lee, Swat Kats, Flapjack, Finn, Oh! Steven! ''[checks off Steven's name]'' Now who's next? ''[Clarence's name is shown at the bottom of the list]'' === ''Story for Steven'' === === ''Shirt Club '' === :''[Steven rushes to the Beach House]'' :'''Steven''': Garnet! Amethyst! Pearl! :'''Garnet''': Steven! :'''Pearl''': What is it?! :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, where's the fire? :'''Steven''': It's an emergency! You have to help me take down all the shirts and stop Buck from making more! :'''Pearl''': Have the shirts come to life and and possessed the bodies of their wearers?! :'''Steven''': Uh, no! They just— :'''Amethyst''': Are people catching on fire when they put on the magic shirts? :'''Steven''': No! No, they're just— :'''Pearl''': Are the shirts destroying the wearer's will to continue on in this mortal coil, thereby shutting down Beach City!?! :'''Steven''': ''NOOOOO''!!! They're— they're just... using my art in a way I don't agree with. :'''Pearl''': Oh. ''[all Gems sit down]'' :'''Garnet''': Ah, we'll pass. :'''Steven''': What?! But— but I really need your help! :'''Pearl''': Steven, this sounds like a very abstract problem. :'''Amethyst''': It's not something we can ''punch''! :'''Garnet''': You must learn to help yourself. That's how you become stronger. ''[shades sparkle]'' :'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Good point, good point. / Oh, absolutely. :'''Steven''': But..! :'''Amethyst''': You figure something ''out'', Steven! :'''Pearl''': Yes! Why not dust off those conflict resolution skills? :'''Garnet''': Let your problem be known, then you can work towards an understanding. :'''Steven''': Oh... I'll make them understand. I'll make them all understand... ''[leaves]'' :'''Amethyst''': Eh, he'll be fine. === ''Love Letters'' === :''[Steven and Connie meet Jamie sitting on a log in the beach]'' :'''Steven''': Jamie! :'''Jamie''': Oh, hey, Connie and Steven. You guys come out here to stare at the ocean and think about life too? :'''Connie''': Uhh, no...? We came to, uh— :'''Jamie''': Yeah, life is crazy. One day, you're right here in Beach City delivering mail and then the next thing you know... you're on a bus to Kansas, following your dreams of becoming an actor. "Follow your dreams," they said. But no one said anything about all the rejection and sadness there was to be found. So many auditions day after day... So much rejection day after day... That's why I came back. ''[two seagulls crash into each other and fall into the sea]'' One more rejection would have destroyed my fragile heart. ''[sobs, chuckles]'' Sorry... sometimes I get caught up in the drama zone, you know? :'''Steven''': Yeah, right... Drama zone. :'''Connie''': Oh, by the way, we have something for yo— :'''Steven''': No, we don't! <hr width=50%> :'''Garnet''': I didn't mean to upset you. :'''Jamie''': Then will you go out with me? :'''Garnet''': No! :'''Jamie''': But I've loved you since the moment I saw you. :'''Garnet''': Love at first sight doesn't exist. Love takes time and love takes work. At the very least, you have to know the other person. And you literally have no idea who or what I am. ''[shades glimmer]'' :'''Jamie''': But I bloom for you like— like a... camellia... under moonlight? :'''Garnet''': No, you don't! ''[long beat]'' You make a very convincing lovesick fool. You convinced these children. ''[adjusts her shades]'' You even convinced yourself. ''[smiling]'' You're a fantastic actor. :'''Jamie''': ''[beat]'' ..What am I supposed to do now? :'''Garnet''': Start with local theater. ''[slaps Jamie's back, then walks away. Connie and Steven walk closer to him]'' :'''Connie''': Are you okay? :'''Jamie''': Yeah. That was some pretty solid advice. :'''Steven''': Were those more letters you wrote to Garnet? :'''Jamie''': No. That was the mail I was supposed to deliver on my last route. :'''Steven''': ''[beat]'' We'll help you pick it all up. :'''Jamie''': Thanks. === ''Reformed'' === :'''Garnet''': This is not a good choice for your form. :'''Amethyst''': Lighten up, Garnet. Can't you take a joke? :'''Garnet''': It's not funny. You've made yourself ridiculous. :'''Amethyst''': <big>'''''RIDICULOUS?!?!'''''</big> :'''Garnet''': Keep your voice down! The creature... :'''Amethyst''': Hrrr... You wanted me to be more like Pearl, and now I am!! :'''Garnet''': ''[low voice]'' Pearl would've taken her regeneration seriously! :'''Amethyst''': WHAT DO YOU CARE!?! MY FORM IS '''''MY'' BUSINESS!!''' :'''Garnet''': It's my business when it affects the strength of the team!! :'''Amethyst''': ..So what?! I'm not strong enough?! ''[gets dragged by the Slinker]'' :'''Steven''': Amethyst! :'''Amethyst''': '''ARE YOU SAYING... <big>I'M ''WEAK''</big>?!?!''' ''[poofs again; Steven catches her gemstone]'' :'''Steven''': Is it weird I'm getting numbed to this? === ''[[w:Sworn to the Sword|Sworn to the Sword]]'' === :'''Connie''': ''[fights off seagulls with her violin bow]'' Run back to your masters! Tell them we're not afraid of your kind! :'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Thanks for saving my jam snack. Unfortunately, it's not safe from me. ''[munches it]'' You're such a good sword fighter, Connie. :'''Connie''': Really? I was just swinging this thing around. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'd love to learn how to use a real sword! :'''Steven''': Oh! ''[gulps snack; starry eyes]'' Steven has an idea! :''[back at the Beach House]'' :'''Pearl''': You want me to do ''what''?! :'''Steven''': You should teach Connie to sword fight, she's already so good! :'''Connie''': Steven! :'''Steven''': But you are! Y-You helped me fight the robot floaty-thing, she took down that evil clone of herself, uh... those mean seagulls just now? :'''Pearl''': You're awfully young to begin something like this. But I suppose I was only a few thousand years old when I began fighting alongside Rose Quartz. ''[Connie raises her hand]'' Yes, Connie? :'''Connie''': Please! I want to learn! I mean, I don't know what'll happen in the future. But if something dangerous comes along... I don't wanna be a burden, I wanna help! I want to be there for Steven to fight by his side! The Earth is my home too. Can't I help protect it? ''[Pearl starts watering tears of joy]'' :'''Pearl''': Oh... okay... If that's how you feel... we should get started! :'''Steven''': Woo-hoo! ''[runs after her laughing]'' :'''Connie''': Wait, now? <hr width=50%> :'''Pearl''': All right, everything begins with your stance. Remember: :''[singing] You do it for him, and you would do it again'' :''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.'' :''Keep your stance wide, keep your body lowered'' :''As you're moving forward, balance is the key'' :''Right foot, left foot, now go even faster'' :''And as you're moving backwards, keep your eyes on me.'' :'''Connie''': ''Keep my stance wide'' ("Good.") :''Keep my body lowered'' ("Right.") :''As I'm moving forward'' :'''Pearl''': ''Concentrate! Don't you want him to live?!'' :'''Connie''': ''Right foot, left foot'' :'''Pearl''': ''Yes, but put your whole body into it!'' :''Everything you have, everything you are'' :''You've got to give.'' :''On the battlefield, when everything is chaos'' :''And you have nothing but the way you feel, your strategy and a sword'' :''You just think about the life you'll have together after the war'' :''And then you do it for her, that's how you know you can win'' :''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.'' <hr width=25%> :''Deep down, you know you weren't built for fighting'' :''But that doesn't mean you're not prepared to try'' :''What they don't know is your real advantage'' :''When you live for someone, you're prepared to die.'' :'''Connie''': ''Deep down, I know that I'm just a human'' ("True.") :'''Both''': ''But I/you know that I/you can draw my/your sword and fight'' :'''Connie''': ''With my short existence,'' ("Good.") ''I can make a difference'' ("Yes, excellent!") :''I can be there for him, I can be his knight.'' :'''Connie''': ''I can do it for him'' :'''Both''': ''You'd do it for her'' :'''Pearl''': ''Okay, now do that again'' ("Yes, ma'am.") :''You do it for her, and now you say'' :'''Connie''': ''I'll do it for him.'' <hr width=50%> :'''Amethyst''': ''[belly laughs]'' Wow, Garnet! That is the funniest thing I've ever heard! :'''Garnet''': Garnet, master of comedy. :'''Amethyst''': Hehehe... Yo, Steven. ''[pretend-yells]'' '''WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE ALL SAD LIKE THAT?!?!''' :'''Steven''': W-well... Connie is taking sword fighting lessons from Pearl, but I think it's getting a little too serious. She wants Connie to do all this dangerous stuff for me. :'''Garnet''': That makes sense. :'''Steven''': What do you mean? :'''Garnet''': Back during the war, Pearl took pride in risking her destruction for your mother. She put Rose Quartz over everything — over logic, over consequence, over her own life. :''[Pearl and Rose switch to Connie and Steven, respectively. She charges at the enemy before cutting to Steven's horrified face]'' :'''Amethyst''': You okay, dude? :'''Steven''': I have to do something!! Thanks for telling me that, bye!! === ''Rising Tides, Crashing Skies'' === :'''RonaIdo''': I am now going to attempt to make contact with the mysterious, reclusive, ''[Steven comes out]'' and—ahh! :'''Steven''': Hi, Ronaldo! Uh, hi, Peedee. Is that a camera? :'''Peedee''': Yeah. We're making a movie about— :'''RonaIdo''': It's an investigative report, shot ''[[w:cinéma vérité|camera vérité]]''. :'''Steven''': Cool! :'''RonaIdo''': So... you wanna participate in a groundbreaking interview? :'''Steven''': Hmm. Only if ''you'' participate in a glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade! ''[walks back inside]'' :''[cue Ronaldo and Steven in the Beach House]'' :'''Steven''': Ohh, that giant hand? It was a spaceship coming to get us. :'''RonaIdo''': Us?! I knew it! Steven, we know too much! :'''Steven''': No, not "us" us. I-I meant me and the Crystal Gems. :'''RonaIdo''': Wait. So the hand wasn't here to snatch up humans for a human zoo? Or interfere with our subsidized Beach City wind farm?! Or thaw the cryogenically frozen pets of the one percent!?! :'''Steven''': Uh... no, I'm pretty sure it came to Beach City for me and the Crystal Gems. :'''RonaIdo''': Oh. So, if you and the Crystal Gems weren't here, we wouldn't have been attacked by the giant hand? :'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! Definitely not. === ''Keeping It Together'' === :'''Pearl''': Garnet, you don't think Peridot would come looking for us, do you? :'''Garnet''': We weren't her priority. She was sent here to do something in the Kindergarten. :'''Pearl''': Do you think she's still going to try to reactivate it? :'''Garnet''': Mm. If she gets it back up and running, the Injectors will turn back on. :'''Steven''': Injectors? What're those? :'''Pearl''': You've already seen them. ''[projects hologram from her gemstone]'' Well, you've seen them disabled. If Peridot reactivates them, they'll pick right up where they left off, planting gems in the crust of the Earth, where they'll incubate and suck the life right out of the ground. We can't let Peridot restart Gem production here. If we do... ''[sighs]'' the entire planet will become… :'''Garnet''': Janked. :'''Amethyst''': Garnet! ''[laughs]'' That mouth! ''[sniggers]'' :'''Garnet''': Don't worry. We'll stop her. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': Log Date 6-5-2. This is Peridot updating status. Still stuck on miserable planet. The fusion experiments are developing properly. A few have even emerged early- ''[spots Steven and shrieks; Steven stares silently at her as she looks around; whispers to him]'' Are the ''other ones'' with you? ''[Steven slowly shakes his head no and nods yes quickly, shrugging]'' Of course. Why not? :'''Garnet''': ''[off-screen]'' PERIDOT! :'''Pearl''': THERE SHE IS! <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': We did it! Garnet? :'''Garnet/Ruby''': So ''this'' is what Homeworld thinks of fusion. :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': We couldn't have known they would do this. :'''Garnet/Ruby''': ''This'' is where they've been…all the ones we couldn't find… they've been here the whole time! :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': Rose couldn't have known. :'''Garnet/Ruby''': This is punishment for the rebellion! :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': ''[breaking down]'' It's not our fault! :'''Steven''': Garnet! :'''Garnet''': S-Steven. :'''Amethyst''': ''[sliding down with Pearl]'' Yo! We're back. :'''Pearl''': Garnet, we lost Peridot. Her fingers were too fast for us. ''[two fused hands climb up on Amethyst and grabs them]'' Um… what are these things? :'''Garnet''': PUT THEM DOWN! :'''Steven''': Uh! :'''Pearl''': Wha...? ''[throws the hands away]'' :'''Garnet''': We need to poof and bubble all of them. We can't let any escape. ''[She poofs the hands as the screen turns black]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': What Homeworld did… taking the shattered parts of fallen Gems and combining them—those Gems weren't asked permission. Fusion is a choice. Those Gems weren't given a choice. It isn't right. It isn't fusion! <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven looks at Garnet as he takes the clothes out the dryer into the basket]'' :'''Steven''': What's it like... being a fusion? :'''Garnet''': You fused. :'''Steven''': I mean, like, all the time. Do you forget who you used to be? :'''Garnet''': You forget you were ever alone. You know when you fuse, you don't feel like two people. You feel like one being. And your old names might as well be names for your left arm, and your right. :'''Steven''': When you split up, is it like you disappear? :'''Garnet''': I embody my— I mean, Ruby and Sapphire's love. I always exist in them, even if I split apart. But the strength of that love keeps me together, so I can stay Garnet for a very long time. :'''Steven''': That's why you're so great! :'''Garnet''': ''[smiles]'' Ha. ''[Steven starts laughing, with a light blue colored sock being blown away]'' :'''Steven''': Oh, no! ''[Garnet catches it]'' :'''Garnet''': Don't wanna break up a pair. :'''Steven''': ''[holds peach colored sock]'' Yeah, you're right. ''[Garnet folds socks into basket]'' They belong together. === ''We Need to Talk'' === :''[Greg re-watches Pearl and Rose's fusion dance, practices and falls down]'' :'''Greg''': Ah, geez! How'd she get her legs to do that? ''[groans]'' :'''Amethyst''': Hey! ''[looks at face-to-face with Garnet]'' Are you dead? :'''Greg''': Wha? Uh, no, no. I'm alive. :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, cool! ''[jumps over Greg, runs to the TV]'' It's us from before! :'''Greg''': Yeah, I was just... trying to get my head around this fusion dance. :'''Amethyst''': A fusion dance ain't about your head! ''[laughs out loud]'' :'''Greg''': Wait... you guys are Gems. You gotta help me out here. I need to be able to fuse with Rose! :'''Garnet''': First, you need a gem at the core of your being. Then you need a body that can turn into light. Then you need the partner who you trust with that light. :'''Greg''': Metaphorically? :'''Garnet''': Literally. :'''Amethyst''': ''[whispers]'' Shh! Come on! I still wanna see him try! :'''Greg''': Ugh, so it's true. I really can't do it. ''[touches his face]'' I'm kidding myself with this! I'm never gonna be a Gem... ''[Garnet looks down and picks up a twig]'' :'''Garnet''': Amethyst... give us some privacy! ''[throws it far away]'' :'''Amethyst''': YEAH!! ''[scampers after it]'' :'''Garnet''': Let me tell you something, Mr. Universe. I think you can do it, but it won't work if you dance like Pearl. You have to dance like you. You have to fuse ''your'' way. Get open. Get honest. Invent yourselves together. ''[lowers her shades and winks left of her three eyes]'' That's fusion. :'''Greg''': EYE—think I get it. === ''Chille Tid'' === :'''Steven''': "Sleep is a curse, and yet a curse I need to live"—Steven Universe. ---- :'''Garnet''': Let me show you how it's done. ''(She falls over, stiff as a board)'' :'''Pearl''': That's pretty convincing. ---- :'''Steven''': Lapis! :'''Lapiz Lazuli''': No. I'm ''not'' Lapis anymore. We're Malachite now. === ''[[w:Cry for Help (Steven Universe)|Cry for Help]]'' === :'''Peridot''': This is Peridot, transmitting on all frequencies from abandoned Crystal System colony planet Earth, to Yellow Diamond. My mission has been compromised. My escort ''and'' informant are gone, and I am now stranded! ''[desperately]'' Please send help! <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': It's as I feared. :''[The Communication Hub is glowing and shooting a beam of light towards the sky]'' :'''Pearl''': It looks like Peridot somehow repaired the Communication Hub. Well, at least some of it. :'''Steven''': So... we just gotta wreck it up again, right? (''to Amethyst'') You guys should form Sugilite! :'''Amethyst''': (''smiling a bit'') Yeah... Well, it's up to Garnet, I guess. (''smiling widely, to Garnet'') What do you say? ''[Pearl looks scared in the background]'' Shall we mash it up?... :'''Garnet''': No. :'''Amethyst''': But, don't we need to be huge like last time? :'''Garnet''': Last time was a disaster. Last time we fused, Sugilite went berserk. It's because of her that we can't even warp here anymore. (''takes off her visor'') I can be brash, you can be reckless. And we can both get carried away. So, for the time being, ''[She puts her visor back on and Amethyst's reflection can be seen in them]'' Sugilite is benched. What we need now is to be careful. ''[Steven gasps]'' It's you and me, Pearl. Let's fuse. ''[Pearl looks astonished as she begins to tear up]'' Don't cry, Pearl. ''[Pearl tries to not cry and quivers as she strongly breathes in through her nose, sniffling thickly]'' Come on, let's do this. :'''Pearl''': I'm right behind you. (''sniffling'') :'''Steven''': (''running towards them'') Woo-hoo! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! *sits to the left of Lion* (''Amethyst walks over'') :'''Garnet''': (''gemstones glow'') Ready. :'''Pearl''': (''grunts; stretches'') Hang on, it's been such a long time. <hr width=50%/> :'''Sardonyx''': Gooooood evening, everybody! (''struts over to Lion, Steven, and Amethyst and does a twirl'') This is the lovely Sardonyx! Coming to you ''a-live'' from the soon-to-be-former Communication Hub! How are y'all doin' tonight? :'''Amethyst''': (''sarcastically'') Great... :'''Steven''': (''gasps'') Giant woman! <hr width=50%/> :'''Amethyst''': ''Maybe you're better off with her / I think she's better for you / I forgot how great it felt to be us / Guess I got carried away. / I had to use you to make me feel strong / But I don't care about that now / I see a tower built out of my mistakes / And it all comes crashing down. / Is there something I can doo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo / Can I make it up to you?'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Amethyst''': Stop! :'''Pearl''': Is something the matter, Amethyst? :'''Amethyst''': You... you shouldn't. :'''Steven''': Pearl, we saw you. :'''Pearl''': (''shocked'') What? :'''Steven''': You need to tell Garnet it was you! :'''Garnet''': I don't understand. :'''Pearl''': I'm sorry. It's just... so much fun being Sardonyx with you. :'''Garnet''': ''[drops Pearl to the ground]'' ''That's'' why I couldn't see us finding Peridot. :'''Pearl''': Wait, let me explain! :'''Garnet''': You've been fixing the hub! :'''Pearl''': It really was Peridot! The first time. :'''Garnet''': You ''tricked'' me! :'''Pearl''': No! No, no, no, no! We just needed a reason to fuse! I just wanted to share a few more victories with you! :'''Garnet''': Those weren't ''victories''! :'''Amethyst''': Wait, Garnet! You know, we're so much weaker than you! Fusing with you is like our one chance to feel... ''stronger''! :'''Garnet''': Don't defend her! Peridot is out there somewhere and Pearl's been distracting us with... ''nothing''! :'''Pearl''': Garnet... :'''Garnet''': ''[angrily points at her]'' That's enough! ''[to Amethyst]'' Amethyst, fuse with me! :'''Amethyst''': But-! :'''Garnet''': (''clenching her fist'') Let's just get this over with. === ''Keystone Motel'' === :'''Steven''': Pearl! Where have you been?! :'''Pearl''': Looking for Peridot… For a few days straight. Steven, I know I might have… disappointed all of you. I know Garnet's very upset with me. But I'm going to prove to her that she can trust me again. ''[Garnet walks in through the front door]'' Oh! Garnet! I was just looking for Peridot! She's bound to be somewhere, right? Any new ideas? ''[Garnet says nothing and walks past her]'' I'm sorry. :'''Greg''': ''[enters the house with a brochure]'' Who wants to go on a road trip?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': ''[agitated, panting]'' Calm down... I don't feel like forgiving Pearl!... You don't understand, you must... If you're not going to listen, then you can just GO! ''[splits into Ruby and Sapphire]'' :'''Sapphire''': ''[calmly]'' We must move past this, Ruby. :'''Ruby''': ''[furiously]'' She ''lied'' to us so we'd form Sardonyx! She ''tricked'' us! Don't you feel used?! :'''Sapphire''': You're choosing to take it personally. :'''Ruby''': IT'S ''FUSION'', SAPPHIRE! WHAT'S MORE PERSONAL TO US THAN ''FUSION?!'' :'''Sapphire''': I know you're still upset... :'''Ruby''': Oh, so it's just me?! :'''Sapphire''': Of course not. Can't you see I'm completely engulfed with rage? :'''Ruby''': Well, it doesn't feel like it! :'''Sapphire''': The sooner we forgive Pearl, the better it will be for us all. :'''Ruby''': YOU'RE NOT AS ABOVE THIS AS YOU THINK YOU ARE! <hr width=50%/> :'''Sapphire''': ''[about Ruby, while she shakes the table]'' This will pass. She'll eventually just burn herself out. :'''Ruby''': ''[angrily]'' THAT'S WHAT ''YOU'' THINK! '''I AM AN ETERNAL FLAME, BABY!''' ''[flips the table]'' :''[while Greg talks to Steven, arguing with each other simultaneously]'' :'''Ruby''': You don't know me! :'''Sapphire''': How could I possibly not know you? We always fuse! We always fuse, what are you even going on about fusion? :'''Ruby''': Look at you! ''[laughing]'' You don't even know yourself! Ha! :'''Sapphire''': So don't act so ridiculous. :'''Ruby''': ''I'm'' ridiculous?! :'''Sapphire''': Yes, yes. <hr width=50%/> :'''Steven''': I was so happy when Garnet said she wanted to go on this trip with me and Dad! Home's been awful! Here's been awful! I thought you wanted to have a fun time, but everyone's been acting awful too! It... it just came with us! I don't understand! Is it... is it me? :'''Ruby''': ...No! Steven, it's all us! :'''Sapphire''': But we made him feel like it was his fault... I keep looking into the future, when all of this has already been solved, as if it doesn't matter how you feel in the present! ''[starting to cry]'' No wonder you think I don't care...! :'''Ruby''': Sapphire... No, nonononono! This is all my fault, I... I didn't want to look for a solution, I... I just wanted to be mad! You're right! You're always right! I was being stupid! :'''Sapphire''': I don't think you're stupid! :'''Ruby''': I'm... sorry. ''[gently brushes Sapphire's hair aside, revealing her sad eye]'' :'''Sapphire''': You honestly think I'm not upset about what happened? I was just... trying to do the right thing. :'''Ruby''': I know... ''[starts smiling]'' You know what's nice about being split up? :'''Sapphire''': What? :'''Ruby''': I get to look at you... :'''Sapphire''': ''[pushes her off, laughing]'' Be serious! :'''Ruby''': ''[hugs Sapphire]'' There's my Laughy Sapphy! :'''Sapphire''': Shh! You're embarrassing me in front of Steven! ''[cut to Steven, feeling awkward at the scene]'' === ''Historical Friction'' === :'''Steven''': Hey, Pearl! ''[sees a desolate Pearl sitting on the couch, looking at the ceiling]'' Pearl? :'''Pearl''': ''[jumps up]'' Steven! You're back! :'''Steven''': Yeah... ''[sits down]'' Show business is rough. :'''Pearl''': Is there something I can help you with? :'''Steven''': Not unless you can make William Dewey interesting. :'''Pearl''': How do ''you'' know William Dewey? :'''Steven''': I'm gonna be him in this play! But he's totally boring! He's perfect and he never makes mistakes. :'''Pearl''': ''[sigh]'' Wish I could say the same for myself. :'''Steven''': Yeah, but nobody's like that! Everybody gets stuff wrong, and then you have to keep going and it's hard, which is why it's great when you never stop trying! :'''Pearl''': ..When did you get so smart? === ''Friend Ship'' === :''[Steven and the Gems enter a room in the ship. Peridot appears on a projected screen]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' You Gems really are as dull as dirt! :'''Pearl''': You're the dull one if you thing you can fly this wreck! :'''Peridot''': ''[pauses]'' What? Can you speak louder? Some of these communicators are gunked up. :'''Steven''': ''[cleans off a microphone, speaks into it]'' Pearl says ''you're'' the dull one if you think you can fly this wreck! :'''Peridot''': ''[waits for Steven's response to come through] [laughs]'' Fly? I'm not using this vessel to fly. I'm using it to '''''TRAP YOU!''''' ''[a door closes, trapping Steven and the Gems in the room]'' Isn't this nice? No more Crystal Gems running around, messing with my plans, destroying my things. Looks like I've got you just where I want you. How does it feel to be so easily outsmarted, you '''''CLODS?!''''' :'''Pearl''': No... :'''Amethyst''': ''[speaks into the microphone]'' Hey, uh, this is Amethyst. I don't appreciate being called a clod, you clo- :'''Peridot''': Enough talk! Prepare yourselves for annihilation! ''[dramatically hits a button]'' Hiyah! ''[nothing happens, hits it again]'' Hiyah! :''[the room's laser cannons activate and take aim at Steven and the Gems]'' :'''Peridot''': It works! Yes! '''''DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIIIIE!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garnet''': Pearl, stop. That isn't helping. :'''Pearl''': I have to do something. I can't believe I walked us right into Peridot's trap. This is all my… ''[Peridot's hologram disappears as the ground starts to shake]'' fault? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pearl''': ''[thru screen]'' Garnet… I'm sorry! :'''Amethyst''': Wait a sec! :'''Pearl''': Things weren't supposed to turn out this way... ''[inside, Garnet punches the wall again]'' :'''Garnet''': We'll get outta here somehow. :'''Pearl''': ''[sighs]'' That's not what I mean! I really wanted to catch Peridot to make up for what I did... ''[Garnet withdraws her gauntlets]'' I wanted to prove to you that... that everything could go back to normal... :'''Garnet''': Catching Peridot won't make things go back to normal. ''[thru screen]'' This isn't about Peridot. :'''Amethyst''': Hey... they're actually talking! :'''Steven''': Now they can finally work things out! :''[soon, the gears start to activate and turn and start closing into the trapped two]'' :'''Amethyst''': Not if they get crushed! :''[both Garnet and Pearl push their unflinching sides]'' :'''Pearl''': Please! Tell me! How can I make you forgive me?! :'''Garnet''': You can't! You lied to me! You need to learn that there are consequences to your actions! :'''Pearl''': I'm sorry! I... I couldn't help myself! :'''Garnet''': ''[kicks opposite side of wall next to Pearl]'' I don't want to hear your excuses! :'''Pearl''': But it's true! No matter how hard I try to be strong like you, I'm just a Pearl. I'm useless on my own. ''[cries]'' I need someone to tell me what to do. :''[the walls suddenly stop moving; Both Amethyst and Steven pull her whip on its gears in its place. Garnet and Pearl pause for a beat]'' :'''Pearl''': When we fuse, I can feel what it's like to be you. Confident and secure, and complete. You're perfect. You're the perfect relationship. You're always together, I just... I wanted to be a part of that. :'''Garnet''': You're wrong! I'm not as strong as you think. I fell apart over this. Ruby and Sapphire were in turmoil over how you deceived me. ''[thru screen]'' I came undone. :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, that really happened? :'''Steven''': ''[nods]'' Hm. :'''Garnet''': It's not easy being in control. I have weaknesses too, but I choose not to let them consume me. I struggle to stay strong because I know the impact I have on everyone. Please understand, Pearl. ''[thru screen]'' You have an impact too. ''[inside]'' There are times when I look up to you for strength. You are your ''own'' gem. You control your destiny. Not me, not Rose, not Steven. But you must choose to be strong, so we can move forward. So I can trust you again. :'''Pearl''': I understand. I can't give up anymore! :'''Garnet''': Good. === ''Nightmare Hospital'' === :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': ''[sighs]'' I had a rough day at work and I'm not in the mood for any more surprises. :'''Connie''': Whatsyjf happened at work? :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': There was a really strange case at the hospital today, straight out of a ''nightmare''. ''[beat]'' Oh, don't worry, the rules of doctor-patient confidentiality keep me from sharing the graphic details, but... Hang on a moment. When did we get a coat rack? :'''Connie''': Oh, no... :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': A ''SWORD''?! Connie, where did you get this?! :'''Steven''': I-it's— :'''Connie''': I found it! I just... found it outside and I wanted to show it to Steven. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': How could you possibly think this is okay?! :'''Connie''': It's— :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Do you know how many children I see everyday in the hospital who've cut their faces off playing with swords?! :'''Connie''': I— :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': NONE!! Because they all have parents who love them, and who don't let them play around with deadly weapons like some kind of gang member! No playing with swords, under any circumstances! ''[her cell phone rings, answers it]'' This is Dr. Maheswaran. Yes, calm down, Stromberg. Another one? :'''Steven''': ''[to Connie]'' Is she gonna give it back? :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': All right, I'll-I'll be right there. ''[zips sword in duffle bag]'' I have to go to the hospital. I'll have a talk with your father to calculate just how grounded you are. ''[leaves, comes back]'' And we're using the abacus! ''[leaves again]'' :'''Connie''': I ''hate'' that abacus. Steven, I'm so sorry. She took your mother's sword! :'''Steven''': Maybe we can get her to change her mind? :'''Connie''': She never ''ever'' changes her mind. We've got to get that sword back ourselves. <hr width=50%> :'''Connie''': Mom... I'm really sorry about lying to you. It started off as a tiny secret, and then I felt like if I didn't hide it, you wouldn't let me see Steven ever again. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Is that how you feel? Are we too controlling? :'''Connie''': ..Maybe. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I just wanted to be a good mother. I... I just wanted to protect you. :'''Connie''': I can protect myself now! ''[Dr. Maheswaran pauses for a long beat, sighs]'' :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Okay. ''[Connie winces]'' We'll... pull back on the rules, and I'll try to keep an open mind about ''[Connie's lenses]'' this, and ''[Lion]'' that, and... him. ''[Steven stays frightened]'' It scares me that you can't talk to me. I need to know what's happening in your life. I... I need to step in when you're in over your head. Would you just promise me you'll stop all this lying? :'''Connie''': ''[beat]'' That's a rule. ''[they embrace each other]'' :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I love you, honey. :'''Connie''': I love you too, Mom. === ''Sadie's Song'' === :'''Sadie''': Please, Mom. Don't make me do this. :'''Barb''': Make you? You said you wanted to sing. :'''Sadie''': Yeah! I did! I did! I did, I did. Just like I say lots of things like, "Hey, Mom. Swimming looks fun", then bam! Suddenly, I'm anchoring a 400 meter relay for the Beach City Seals. "Hey, Mom. I thought signing up for softball would be nice." 6 birthdays later, I'm still getting nothing but kneepads and batting helmets. "Hey, Mom. I wanna sing at this year's Beachapalooza", and what do I get? THIS! I just thought, for once, I get to do things my way, but you came in and took over everything like you always do. :'''Barb''': I just wanted everyone to know how talented my daughter is. :'''Sadie''': THIS is not your daughter. :'''Barb''': ''[stunned]'' I'm sorry. === ''Catch and Release'' === :'''Steven''': ''[getting padded by Peridot]'' Why are you acting like this?! :'''Peridot''': You smashed me into a limbless cloud, you trapped me in your bubble dungeon, and you called me... ''cute''! ''[Steven evades her punch, face-flat on the floor]'' :'''Steven''': I didn't poof you! I freed you! ''[Peridot turns back]'' :'''Peridot''': Why would you make such a miscalculation? :'''Steven''': Back at the warp pad, what were you trying to say? Why do we need you? What do you know? :'''Peridot''': What do I know? Everything there is to know about the Cluster, you pebble! :'''Steven''': Cluster? Wait, pebble? :'''Peridot''': My mission. The reason why I'm on this sad rock in the first place! I was to check progress on the Cluster! Just in and out, before it hatches. I wasn't supposed to get stuck here! But now it's going to emerge and nothing can stop it, and we'll all be shattered!! :'''Steven''': Okay, okay, wait, slow down. Now, from the top—emerging, hatching, Clusters? :'''Peridot''': You wanna know? :'''Steven''': Yes. :'''Peridot''': You ''really'' wanna know? :'''Steven''': Yes? <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': ''[in bathroom]'' Hmm... Seems I've discovered some sort of archaic... think chamber. Roomy, with a fresh hint of Earth citrus. ''[lifts toilet seat]'' A perfect crossroads for my escape. :'''Amethyst''': ''[fiddling the bathroom doorknob]'' It's locked. :'''Garnet''': Peridot, open the door! ''[flushing sounds are heard]'' :'''Amethyst''': Uh, if you're trying to flush yourself down the toilet, it ''won't'' work. ''[cut to Peridot spinning inside the toilet bowl]'' Trust me, I've tried. :'''Pearl''': How did she get out?! We bubbled her! :'''Amethyst''': Maybe we needed a bigger bubble. :'''Garnet''': My bubbles are fine. :'''Steven''': ''[sweating nervously]'' I did it. :'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' Steven, why would you do such a thing?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': I'm tired of playing these games. If we can't fight her, fine. We'll talk. Peridot! :'''Peridot''': ''[slips off the sink]'' Whoa! :'''Garnet''': All right, no more fighting. Let's just have a civil conversation. :'''Peridot''': As if I'd negotiate with you, filthy war machine! :'''Garnet''': ''[summons gauntlets]'' Okay, let's kick her butt. :'''Steven''': Wait! :'''Peridot''': Yeah! Destroy me again! ''[hangs on bath curtain pole with a plunger]'' And have fun trying to talk to me when I'm in a ''bubble''! ''[almost slips off]'' :'''Pearl''': I really hate to say it, but unfortunately if she has information, she's more valuable to us like… this. :'''Garnet''': This is going to be tricky. ''[hear knobs turning, water splashing]'' :'''Peridot''': H-h-hot hot hot!! :'''Steven''': You have to turn the knob the other way for cold! ''[later in the kitchen with the Gems]'' Wait, so we're just gonna let her live in my bathroom? :'''Pearl''': Well, yes. What other option do we have? Keep her outside on a leash? === ''When It Rains'' === :'''Garnet''': ''[banging on the bathroom door]'' Open the door, Peridot! If this "Cluster" is putting us in danger, you need to tell us what it is so we can stop it! :'''Peridot''': No! I hate you! I'm not telling you anything about the Cluster! :'''Amethyst''': Oh, come on. Is it like a big, hunk of granola? :'''Peridot''': What's granola? :'''Pearl''': I'm sure it's not granola. Now, Peridot, I'm sure we can reach some sort of agreement. Perhaps a trade is in order? :'''Peridot''': Oh, sure. Why don't you just give me back my leg enhancements and my arm attachments with my screen and my log and all my information. Oh, wait, YOU DESTROYED THEM! So, no, I don't think we can reach some sort of agreement! :'''Steven''': ''[flushing the toilet]'' Okay, Peridot, you can turn around now. ''[exits the bathroom, clears throat]'' Sorry for interrupting your interrogation. :'''Garnet''': Don't worry about it, Steven. :'''Pearl''': I swear, Peridot is gonna crack any second now. :'''Peridot''': I'll ''never'' crack for the likes of you, you… Crystal Clods! ''[laughs]'' :'''Pearl''': ''[angrily]'' Ooh, I got your clods right here, you little…! :'''Garnet''': ''[puts her hand on her shoulder]'' Hold on, Pearl. If she's not gonna be of any help, let's investigate this thing on our own. :'''Steven''': I'll come with you. :'''Garnet''': Sorry, Steven. We're gonna need you to stay here and keep an eye on our…''guest.'' :'''Steven''': Really? :'''Amethyst''': Yeah. Make sure she doesn't try anything. :'''Pearl''': Don't worry. She's harmless without her limb enhancers. :'''Peridot''': I'M NOT HARMLESS! :'''Pearl''': Oh, hush up! <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': These are the early attempts at artificial fusion. :'''Steven''': That's a lot of gem shards. :'''Peridot''': We were growing them here at this very site. But these were just prototypes for the final product, a singular giant artificial fusion, comprised of millions of gem shards…the Cluster. :'''Steven''': Peridot, you're saying there's a giant mutant gem the size of the Earth under us right now? :'''Peridot''': Oh, no. When it forms, it'll be much, much bigger than the Earth. Right now, it lies dormant, incubating in the Earth's core. But when it emerges and takes its physical form, it will destroy the planet. The prototypes are already emerging. The Cluster is next. If we can't get off this planet, we've got to stop the Cluster! I thought it'd be impossible, but now we have a chance. :'''Steven''': What is it? :'''Peridot''': ''[grabs Steven's shoulders and grins malevolently]'' It's you, Steven! ''[she and Steven climb out of the control room]'' Now that you're filled in, we can get to work! :'''Steven''': Uhh, how am I supposed to help? :'''Peridot''': Well, you have all the information that we need about Earth and its erratic behavior. Put that together with my expansive knowledge of the Cluster and we just might be able to stop it! :'''Steven''': No, Peridot, I don't think you get it! Just because I know how clouds work doesn't mean I know how to stop a giant mutant in the center of the earth! Besides, the only reason that I know anything about clouds and rain is because my dad told me. :'''Peridot''': What are you talking about? :'''Steven''': I used to be really scared of thunderstorms, just like you. Then Dad explained how rain and all that stuff works, then I wasn't scared of rain anymore. :'''Peridot''': Well, I'm sure you have other knowledge about how this planet works. :'''Steven''': Sure, but none of it's going to help us. If we want to stop this Cluster thing, we'll need help from the Crystal Gems. :'''Peridot''': I said I don't need them! Let's just warp me back to the bathroom, or whatever you call it, and we'll take care of this. If it looks really bad, then we can just ask this "dad" for help, right? === ''Back to the Barn'' === :'''Peridot''': What is that?! :'''Steven''': ''[speaking with the Cluster puppet]'' It's the Cluster. :'''Peridot''': It does not look like that. But it ''is'' real, and it can activate at any moment! :'''Amethyst''': What a cluster. :'''Garnet''': That abomination must be stopped. :'''Pearl''': But how? We'll need to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth, it'll have to- :'''Peridot''': ''[swats at Pearl, interrupting her]'' Hey! I wasn't finished speaking! What we ''need'' is to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth. <hr width=50%/> :'''Pearl''': All right. What we have here in the barn should be adequate enough for us to get started. First, I recommend we organize the component types, and assemble a rough blueprint based off what we have available. Sorry, Steven. It's a lovely drawing, but it won't look like this. ''[Steven stops spinning on the swivel chair, now frowning]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[examines piece of chalk]'' Hmm... Good. Yes, this is adequate. Thank you. You can go now. :'''Pearl''': ..Uh, what? :'''Peridot''': Hm? ''[beat]'' Umm, that will be all? ''[claps to her for a beat, whispers to Steven]'' How do you get her to leave? :'''Pearl''': Excuse me, I am not leaving. :'''Steven''': Yeah! She's gotta stay here to help us build the drill thing, right? :'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' No, no, you're confused. A Pearl can't build a thing like this. :'''Steven''': Why not? :'''Peridot''': Because Pearls aren't ''for'' this! They're... for standing around, an-and looking nice, and uh... holding your stuff for you. Right? :'''Pearl''': That's enough! If we're going to work together, you're going to have to listen to me. :'''Peridot''': Listen to you? ''[starts laughing, turns to Steven]'' Did you teach her to talk like this? :'''Steven''': What are you talking about? :'''Peridot''': She's a Pearl. She's a made-to-order servant just like the hundreds of other Pearls being flaunted around back on Homeworld. :'''Steven''': Wait... There's hundreds of Pearls?! :'''Pearl''': ''[nervous]'' Well... yes, but— :'''Peridot''': ''[holding Pearl's sash]'' And she looks like a fancy one, too. ''[Pearl gasps]'' :'''Steven''': Hundreds of Pearls... :'''Peridot''': So, who do you belong to anyway? :'''Pearl''': ''[grabs her sash away from her]'' Nobody!! :'''Peridot''': Then... what are you for? ''[Pearl recoils back]'' Well, you can belong to me for now. Ha! A Peridot with a Pearl? What would they say back home? :'''Pearl''': Now listen here, you tiny twerp! In case you've forgotten, you're on ''our'' turf now! And I didn't fight a thousand-year war for this planet's independence to take orders from the likes of ''you''!! :'''Peridot''': Excuse me? I am a natural technician and a certified Kindergartener. I was made for this! You were made to take orders, not to give them! :'''Steven''': Whoa, whoa, hang on, guys! Now, we can all agree that you are both good at building things, so... can't you just try listening to each other? :'''Both''': <big>'''''NO!!'''''</big> :'''Pearl''': I'm as good at building things as you! Better, even! :'''Peridot''': Hah! Name one thing you can engineer better! Go on! :'''Steven''': ''[whispers]'' Robots. :'''Both''': Hm? :'''Steven''': You should build robots. Giant robots! I see a race. A giant robo-race... with prizes. Giant robo-prizes! :'''Pearl''': You mean like a competition? :'''Steven''': Yeah! To see who's better at building stuff! :'''Peridot''': What are these robots you speak of? :'''Steven''': They're like those funky marble guys you were sending—only bigger, and you can ride them! ''[makes robot noises]'' :'''Peridot''': Hah! Building one of these robots will be easy! :'''Pearl''': Well, I can build one faster! :'''Peridot''': That's what you think! === ''Too Far'' === :'''Peridot''': ''[talking into a recorder]'' Log date 7–1-1-2. It's the third rotation of the Earth since commencements of a... collaborative approach to stopping the Cluster. :'''Pearl''': I've finished drawing up the blueprints for the drill head. Peridot, if you could come take a look at this? :'''Peridot''': Remind me again why I should listen to you? Oh, right. ''[plays recorder]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] "The Pearl here has developed an aptitude for engineering that I begrudgingly respect. But that doesn't explain the spontaneous singing... crying... singing while crying." [Amethyst laughs]'' :'''Pearl''': ''[to Steven] [annoyed]'' Why did you give her that? :'''Steven''': Well, we did destroy all her stuff. I thought it might help make her feel a little better. :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] "Clod!" [fast-forwards] "Mighty clod!" [fast-forwards] "Running out of ways to say clod."'' :'''Garnet''': All right. I chased away those cows. Now let's get to work. :'''Peridot''': ''[to Garnet] [clears throat]'' Before we begin, would you mind unfusing? It's making me incredibly uncomfortable. :''[beat as Steven, Amethyst and Pearl nervously look to Garnet. The scene then cuts to Garnet leashing Peridot to a fence.] :'''Peridot''': ''[as Garnet walks away]'' What?! What'd I say?! :'''Steven''': Did we really have to do that? :'''Garnet''': Her having free reign of the place made ''me'' incredibly uncomfortable. <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven and Amethyst walk up to a leashed Peridot growling over a microwave]'' :'''Peridot''': I just need some sort of leverage optimizer... :'''Amethyst''': Leverage optimizer? :'''Peridot''': That's what I said. :'''Amethyst''': Ohhh! Ha! You mean you want a screwdriver? ''[laughing]'' :'''Peridot''': Do you have one or not? :'''Steven''': Uh... ''[hands a screwdriver]'' Why don't you just use this one? :'''Peridot''': Because it was outside my radius. :'''Amethyst''': He-hey... Hey, Peridot... ''[points to her nose]'' What do you call this? :'''Peridot''': A scent sponge. :'''Steven''': Huh? ''[Amethyst laughs some more]'' :'''Amethyst''': Okay... ''[opens her eye]'' what's this? :'''Peridot''': Vision sphere. :'''Steven''': Peridot, that's— :'''Amethyst''': Wait, wait, Steven! Peridot... ''[waves her fingers]'' these? :'''Peridot''': ''[getting annoyed]'' Touch stumps. :'''Amethyst''': ''[points to her foot]'' This?! :'''Peridot''': Gravity connectors. :'''Amethyst''': ''This''?! :'''Peridot''': '''THAT'S YOUR BUTT!!!''' ''[Steven and Amethyst laugh out loud]'' :'''Steven''': Oh, man, Peridot, you're killing me! :'''Peridot''': I am not! That would violate our truce agreement! :'''Amethyst''': No, no, no! You're funny! :'''Peridot''': Funny? <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': The strangest thing is, Amethyst... you think you have to listen to them! ''[laughs]'' You are the one they should put you in charge! :'''Amethyst''': Ha! That's your best joke yet. :'''Peridot''': No, really. Pearl is a Pearl. Garnet is a fusion. I don't even know what ''he's'' supposed to be. :'''Steven''': Hey! :'''Peridot''': You're the only Crystal Gem that's actually a Gem! :'''Amethyst''': Uh... ''[laughs nervously]'' What? :'''Peridot''': You outrank everyone on your team. They should be listening to you. You're a strong, singular, fully-functional soldier, despite the fact that you're defective. :'''Amethyst''': ..Defective? :'''Peridot''': Well, sure. You're small. :'''Amethyst''': So? :'''Peridot''': Well, you're not supposed to be! Hold on, wait, wait. Let me guess. ''[points to Amethyst's hole]'' This— ''[runs to hole]'' This is the hole you came out of. Too small, too low, the exit marks look about 500 years newer than every other hole. Hmm... this place must have been empty when you came out. No wonder you have no idea what you're supposed to look like! :'''Steven''': Peridot... ''[Amethyst holds Steven on the shoulder]'' :'''Amethyst''': What was I supposed to look like? :'''Peridot''': Well, you're a quartz. They're huge, loyal soldiers. You should be twice your size. Broad shouldered, intimidating, but you simply stayed in the ground too long. :'''Amethyst''': Are you saying I'm wrong?! :'''Peridot''': ''[laughing]'' Gemetically speaking, yes. When you think about it it's also... ''[snickers]'' funny! ''[Amethyst feels more enraged]'' :'''Steven''': Amethyst? :'''Peridot''': Hey, soldier. Maybe you can help me get this hunk of drill off. :''[Amethyst violently slashes the drill head off of an Injector with her whip]'' :'''Peridot''': See? Look at that! You can do everything a normal quartz can do. Let's head back and shove this thing in Pearl's face! :'''Steven''': Amethyst? Are you okay? :'''Amethyst''': Don't worry about it. <hr width=50% /> :'''Pearl''': ''WE LEAVE FOR ONE SECOND AND EVERYTHING GOES OFF THE RAILS!'' :'''Garnet''': I blame the cows. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' "''Log date 7-1-1-2. This entire planet is backwards. There hasn't been one instance of correct behavior exhibited by anyone of these Crystal Gems. I have concluded that they are all defective. But I am no better. I failed my mission and I'm now working with the enemy. And I can't even get that right. I have apparently "hurt" Amethyst's "feelings", which was not my intent. If I damaged my standing with the best Gem here, then I've made a serious mistake. I'm still learning. I hope you understand. I want to understand. I'm sorry. [pause] Peridot, Facet 5, end log.''" === ''The Answer'' === :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Sapphire had been called to Earth by Blue Diamond, specifically to share her vision of the future. :'''Sapphire''': ''[enters her Diamond's palanquin]'' My Diamond, I have arrived. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond spoke… :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Sapphire, tell me what will happen here. :'''Sapphire''': I foresee the rebels attacking the Cloud Arena. Before they are cornered, they will destroy the physical forms of seven gems, including two of my Ruby guards, and myself. Immediately after my form is destroyed, the rebels will be captured. The rebellion ends here. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Thank you, Sapphire. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond said, relieved. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': That's all I needed to know. :'''Sapphire''': I look forward to speaking with you again once I reform back on Homeworld. <hr width=50% /> :'''Rose''': ''[off-screen]'' Blue Diamond, leave this planet! This colony will ''not'' be completed! :'''Ruby Guard''': It's the rebels! :'''Various Gems''': Who are you?! Show yourselves! :'''Rose''': ''[floating from above Pearl]'' We… :'''Rose & Pearl''': …are the Crystal Gems! :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The attack was right on schedule. <hr width=50% /> :'''Sapphire''': Thank you, Ruby. You did your best. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Ruby suddenly realized what Sapphire meant. She'd known that Ruby would fail. Sapphire had accepted it. But Ruby… Ruby could not. :'''Ruby''': ''NO!!'' ''[charges at Sapphire, pushing her out of the way of Pearl's attack, causing them to spin into the air and accidentally fuse into Garnet for the first time]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The furious crowd closed in around Ruby and Sapphire. They'd never seen fusion of two different types of gems. :'''Various Gems''': Unbelievable! Disgusting! This is unheard of! :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond's voice cut through the crowd. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': The rebels have fled. Sapphire, this is ''not'' the scenario you described. :'''Sapphire''': This is… not what I saw! I don't know what happened, I… :'''Ruby''': No! It was me! :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Clearly. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Said Blue Diamond. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': How dare you fuse with a member of my court? :'''Ruby''': Forgive me, I… :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': You will be broken for this! <hr width=50% /> :'''Both''': ''Where did we go, what did we do?'' :''I think we made something entirely new'' :''And it wasn't quite me and it wasn't quite you'' :''I think it was someone entirely new.'' :'''Ruby''': ''Oh, um'' :''Well, I just can't stop thinking'' :'''Sapphire''': ''So, um'' :''Did you say I was different?'' :'''Ruby''': ''And you hadn't before'' :'''Sapphire''': ''Of course not'' :''When would I have ever?'' :'''Ruby''': ''I'm so sorry'' :'''Sapphire''': ''No, no, don't be'' :'''Ruby''': ''And now you're here forever!'' :'''Sapphire''': ''What about you?'' :'''Ruby''': ''What about me?'' :'''Sapphire''': ''Well, you're here too'' :''We're here together.'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm'' :'''Both''': ''Mm-m-m-m-mm, hm-m-m-m-m'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm...'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' I was back. I was someone and I didn't know who. But I felt I was getting the hang of my strange new form. ''[beat]'' And then I fell. :'''Past Garnet''': Ahh! ''[tumbling down a hill and crashes in bushes]'' Ouch... ''[a sword is pointed to her face]'' Aahh! Don't hurt her! Don't hurt... me? :''[Pan up to see Pearl as the sword bearer]'' :'''Pearl''': It's you... the fusion. :'''Past Garnet''': We didn't mean to fuse! Well... well, we did this time. We'll unfuse! We-we'll... w-we'll... ''[Rose Quartz comes by]'' :'''Rose''': No, no, please. I'm glad to see you again. :'''Garnet''': And there they were - Rose Quartz, the leader of the rebellion and her terrifying renegade Pearl. :'''Past Garnet''': I don't... upset you? :'''Rose''': Who cares about how I feel? How ''you'' feel is bound to be much more interesting. :'''Past Garnet''': How I feel? I-I feel... uh, lost... and scared... a-and happy. W-Why am I so sure that I'd rather be this than everything I was supposed to be, and that I'd rather do this than everything I was supposed to do? ''[Rose chuckles and smiles]'' :'''Rose''': Welcome to Earth. :'''Past Garnet''': C-Can you tell me?! How was Ruby able to alter fate? Or, why was Sapphire willing to give up everything? W-What am I?! :'''Rose''': No more questions. Don't ''ever'' question this. You already are the answer. :''[Flashback story ends as Garnet concludes]'' :'''Steven''': So…what was it? The answer? :'''Garnet''': ''[whispers]'' Love. :'''Steven''': Wow… I knew it. :'''Garnet''': So did I. === ''Steven's Birthday'' === :''[Steven runs and hides to an edge of the barn; he de-ages into his normal state]'' :'''Steven''': Ohhh, geez! If I can just keep this up for the rest of my life, no one will suspect a thi— :''[he sees wide-eyed Amethyst and Greg staring at Steven for a beat; he drops a piñata stick]'' :'''Amethyst''': What are you doing?! :'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' U-uh— well, what are ''[ages back]'' you doing? :'''Greg''': What are ''you'' doing to your body?! :'''Amethyst''': Woah, woah, woah... Have you been stretching yourself out all day?! :'''Steven''': No! I was just... slouching. :'''Greg''': Why are you doing this? It... really isn't like you. :'''Steven''': Because, Dad! I can't stay a kid forever! When Connie grows up and becomes president, what is that gonna make me? First Boy?! :'''Amethyst''': Steven, you can't just keep stretching forever. If you hold it too long, you could really hurt yourself. :'''Steven''': Yeah, well, I'm half-human so maybe it works different for me! We'll just have to wait and see, right?! :'''Greg''': ''[sighs]'' Steven... <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': ''[trying to cheer up baby Steven but fails]'' My power means nothing to an infant. <hr width=50%/> :''[Greg, Connie and Amethyst (as a baby car seat for baby Steven) drive up in his van; Connie waves a maraca trying to calm down baby Steven]'' :'''Connie''': How can the Gems not know what to do?! :'''Greg''': You think they know the first thing about raising a baby? That was all me! But I don't get it. Driving always used to calm him down. :'''Connie''': But, how do we change him back?! :'''Greg''': I don't know! Look, Connie, let me take you home. I-I'll call you when this all this gets sorted out. :''[Connie turns to baby Steven babbling and crying]'' :'''Connie''': W-Wait, no! I wanna stay. :'''Greg''': Are you sure? :'''Connie''': Yeah! I just want to be there for Steven. Don't worry, Steven. It doesn't matter to me what age it seems like you are, I wanna hang out with you no matter what. Your dad still has to earn his car wash and the Gems have to do gem stuff, so I'll watch you when they're not around. I can come see you after I'm done training with Pearl, too. Doesn't that sound fun? ''[baby Steven holds onto her finger; coos happily]'' :'''Greg''': Look at that! He finally stopped crying. :'''Connie''': Well, that's a start. ''[Amethyst clears her throat]'' :'''Greg''': What's up, Amethyst? :'''Amethyst''': Baby Steven needs changin'. === ''It Could've Been Great'' === :'''Steven''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :''And peace and war on the planet Earth'' :''Is there anything that's worth more'' :''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?'' :''Whoahh, come on and sing it with me'' :'''Peridot''': Sing? :'''Steven''': ''The words relate to the key'' :'''Peridot''': Key? :'''Steven''': ''If it's a pattern, if it's a pattern'' :''Then just repeat after me.'' :''Life and death and love and birth'' :'''Peridot''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :'''Steven''': ''Now using mi-fa-mi-mi-fa-mi-ti-la!'' :'''Both''': ''And peace and war on the planet Earth.'' :'''Steven''': Yes, yes! That's it! :'''Peridot''': That's so easy. :'''Steven''': Yeah, but that's what's fun about it! You should write something, you should write a song. :'''Peridot''': About what? :'''Steven''': Whatever you're thinking. <hr width=25% /> :'''Peridot''': ''I guess we're already here, I guess we already know'' :''We've all got something to fear, we've all got nowhere to go'' :''I think you're all '''insane''', but I guess I am too'' :''Anybody would be if they were stuck on Earth with you.'' :'''Steven''': ''[laughing]'' Yes! ''Life and death and love and birth and'' :'''Amethyst''': ''Life and death and love and birth and'' :'''Pearl''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :''And peace and war on the planet Earth.'' :'''Garnet''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :'''Steven''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :'''Peridot''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': Coordinates! We still the Cluster's exact coordinates in order to drill! :'''Pearl''': There's a Diamond base that may hold that information, but getting there is going to be difficult. :'''Steven''': How come? :'''Pearl''': Because it's not accessible by warp pad, and it's on… ''[gazes up into the sky]'' :'''Steven''': ''[gasps]'' The moon?! <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': Huh? Hey, Peridot, who is this supposed to be? :'''Peridot''': ''[runs up and gasps at the mural]'' It's Blue Diamond! Wait. Are they ''all'' here?! Ah, yes! There she is! :'''Steven''': Who? :''[They run up to the mural of Yellow Diamond]'' :'''Peridot''': Behold, Yellow Diamond! Isn't she magnificent? :'''Steven''': Wow! So, who are the Diamonds anyway? They seem like a big deal. :'''Peridot''': Are you joking me? The Diamonds are the Gem matriarchs! Together, they make up the Great Diamond Authority that governs Homeworld and all the outlying colonies! We live to serve them. ''[Garnet clears her throat and glares down at her in annoyance; nervously chuckles]'' I…I mean, we were all made to serve them, even though some of us don't anymore. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': This is so incredible! Only the most elite can enter these sanctums. We are literally walking in the footsteps of the Diamonds. :'''Steven''': They must really like stairs. :''[They enter an upstairs room with only a single mysterious object in the middle]'' :'''Steven''': Hey, what's this room? :'''Garnet''': ''[continues walking upstairs]'' It's not what we came for. :'''Amethyst''': Can we hurry it up? This place gives me the creeps. :'''Steven''': ''[as they reach the top of the moon base]'' We really are on the moon. <hr width=50% /> :''[Peridot brings up a hologram of Earth, which starts eroding to a hollowed-out version with a ring system as Steven and the Gems awe in shock]'' :'''Peridot''': Ta-da! A finished Earth colony. Wow, look at this! Eighty-nine Kindergartens, sixty-seven spires, a Galaxy Warp in each facet, efficient use of all available materials. What were you thinking shutting this operation down?! It could've been great! :'''Garnet''': No! You're wrong! :'''Peridot''': What do you mean? It's perfect. Look at it! :'''Pearl''': We ''are'' looking at it. :'''Amethyst''': Yeah, this plan stinks! :'''Garnet''': Completing this colony would have meant the extinction of all life on Earth! :'''Peridot''': But think of the good it would've done! The Gems that would've been made are empire expanded! :'''Pearl''': Rose Quartz believed all life was precious and ''worth'' protecting. :'''Peridot''': Well, if she wanted to protect it, she did a lousy job! There'd be no Cluster if the Earth had stayed a colony! Now there's no colony, and there's gonna be no Earth! So thank you, Rose Quartz, you doomed the planet! :''[Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst stare angrily at Peridot for a beat]'' :'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! ''[nervously]'' Is there anything that's worth more than— ''[Garnet picks up Peridot]'' :'''Garnet''': You listen to me now. ''[summons gauntlet]'' You were talking about things that you do ''not'' understand. :'''Steven''': Garnet! Stop, please! It's not worth it. We're done here. Let's just go home. :''[Garnet drops Peridot on the seat and smashes the control panel with her gauntlet and the hologram dissipates; the Gems start leaving soon after. Steven sighs]'' :'''Peridot''': What'd I say? I'm just stating a fact. The rebellion didn't really save Earth, it just delayed the inevitable. :'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' That's not the way they see it. They've spent thousands of years trying to protect the Earth. I thought maybe you finally understood why. === ''Message Received'' === :'''Peridot''': ''[quickly hides the Diamond Communicator prism she took from the Moon Base behind her back when she sees Steven]'' Oh! Steven. :'''Steven''': Peridot, I need to talk to you. :'''Peridot''': Uh, yeah! Sure. :''[They both enter the truck]'' :'''Peridot''': Why are we in this broken down vehicle? :'''Steven''': I wanted to ask you…about the Diamonds? :'''Peridot''': Oh! I don't know what the others have told you, but there's a reason they're in charge. :'''Steven''': Why's that? :'''Peridot''': They're objectively better than us. Every Gem has their strengths and weaknesses, but not them. They're absolutely totally completely flawless beings! Especially my diamond, Yellow Diamond, the most perfect, the most reasonable, rational, efficient decider ever to exist in the universe! :'''Steven''': You're really loyal to her, aren't you? :'''Peridot''': How could I not be? We might have our little truce, but I'll never forsake the Gem I was made for! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yellow Pearl''': This is the Yellow Diamond control room. :'''Amethyst''': Is that another Pearl? :'''Steven''': Who is she? :'''Pearl''': Not all Pearls know each other, Steven. :'''Yellow Pearl''': Who authorized you to make this call? :'''Peridot''': No one. But it's an emergency! :'''Yellow Pearl''': That's no excuse to use the direct Diamond communication channel! :'''Yellow Diamond''': Pearl? :'''Yellow Pearl''': Yes, my Diamond? :'''Yellow Diamond''': Why is there someone on the diamond line? :'''Yellow Pearl''': I don't know! I was just about to tell her that… :'''Yellow Diamond''': I'll take it from here. ''[brings the screen up to her eye level, revealing herself]'' :''[The Crystal Gems gasp in shock]'' :'''Amethyst''': Is that… :'''Pearl''': Yellow… :'''Garnet''': Diamond. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peridot''': Wait! I— I wouldn't have called just to waste your time with a report. :'''Yellow Diamond''': You already have. :'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' No, I mean... The reason I called – the ''real'' reason... I believe we should terminate the Cluster. :'''Yellow Diamond''': ...''Why?'' :'''Peridot''': The organic ecosystem creates resources unique to this world. We can't sacrifice all that potential just for one geo-weapon! I'd like to tell you some plans I came up with to utilize the planet without disrupting the local— :'''Yellow Diamond''': I've heard enough! I don't care about potential and resources. :'''Peridot''': What? :'''Yellow Diamond''': I want my Cluster, and I want that planet to ''die''. Just make that happen. :'''Peridot''': ...No! :'''Yellow Pearl''': Huh?! :'''Yellow Diamond''': Are you questioning my authority? :'''Peridot''': I'm questioning your objectivity! My Diamond. :'''Yellow Pearl''': Well! ''[Yellow Diamond stands up]'' :'''Yellow Diamond''': You are out of line. :'''Peridot''': I just think— :'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm not interested in the puny thoughts of a Peridot. :'''Peridot''': But— :'''Yellow Diamond''': You have disrespected this channel and my time with your presence, and you would do well to— :'''Peridot''': But— :'''Yellow Diamond''': ''Shut your mouth!!'' ''[beat]'' You have failed at every stage of this mission! Your only chance to redeem yourself is to obey this simple order: You are to leave the Cluster to grow. It will tear apart the Earth, and I will take immense satisfaction in erasing that hideous rock off of our star maps! ''Is that clear?!'' :'''Peridot''': I won't do it!! I can tell you with certainty that there are things on this planet worth protecting! ''[Steven smiles]'' :'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you know about the Earth?! :'''Peridot''': ''[losing her temper]'' APPARENTLY MORE THAN ''YOU'', YOU... <big>'''''CLOD!'''''</big> ''[Yellow Diamond suddenly becomes incredibly livid at a petrified Peridot]'' Uhh... Peridot out. :''[She terminates communication; Steven and the Gems come out from hiding and happily congratulate Peridot]'' :'''Steven''': That was AMAZING! :'''Peridot''': ''[sweating and looking devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that... :'''Steven''': I was so wrong about being so wrong about you! :'''Peridot''': ''[still sweating and devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...! :'''Garnet''': You thought you could change her mind. :'''Amethyst''': Yellow D got torn down by the "Peridactyl"! :'''Peridot''': ''[sighs and gives the communicator to Pearl]'' Can one of you take this? :'''Pearl''': Why? :'''Peridot''': Because it can be remotely detonated. :''[The communicator starts to glow red; Steven and the Gems panic while Peridot curls up into a ball on the ground]'' :'''Pearl''': How do we stop it?! :'''Garnet''': Just get rid of it! :'''Pearl''': Err, here, Amethyst! ''[passes it to her]'' :'''Amethyst''': ''WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?!'' :''[She throws it to Steven, who bubbles it; Garnet punches it away into the sky, where it explodes harmlessly]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[still curled up]'' I thought I could reason with her... :'''Amethyst''': ''[grinning]'' Yeah, you ''REALLY'' made her mad. :'''Pearl''': ''[smiling]'' And then you insulted her to her face. :'''Steven''': ''[overjoyed]'' Do you know what this means?! :'''Peridot''': I'm a traitor to my Homeworld. :'''Steven''': ''You're a Crystal Gem!!!'' ''[hugs Peridot]'' :'''Garnet''': ''[smiling]'' Whether you like it or not. :''[Peridot starts groaning loudly as the camera zooms out to the whole of Earth]'' === ''Log Date 7 15 2'' === :'''Peridot''': Log Date 7-1-5-2. I can't believe I just did that! I disobeyed my orders and went against Yellow Diamond's wishes! I'm a traitorous clod! I never want to think about what I've done again! ''[stops recording, rewinds and plays the recording; laughs madly]'' And I called Yellow Diamond a clod! Right to her face! ''[falls to her knees]'' I called Yellow Diamond a clod. ''Right to her face.'' :'''Steven''': Uh, Peridot? Are you going to be okay? :'''Peridot''': ''[enthusiastically with a deranged smile]'' No! :'''Steven''': It's all going to work out. You're with us now. :'''Peridot''': You don't understand! I'm protecting a planet I was once trying to destroy! I used to follow every order, every rule. Now I'm a traitor. ''[cringes]'' A rebel! ''[eyes turn to stars] '''A CRYSTAL GEMMMMMMMMMMMM....''' ''[snickers]'' :'''Steven''': Well, that tape recorder seems to be helping. :'''Peridot''': '''NO IT'S NOT!''' ''[throws recorder at Garnet, who had just entered]'' It's a chronicle of my descent into madness!!! :'''Garnet''': ''[holding out recorder to Peridot]'' You dropped this. :'''Peridot''': Get it away from me! Give it to Steven. Return madness to its source! <hr width=50%/> :''[Steven presses the rewind button on the tape recorder, rewinding all the way back to the beginning]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' Log Date 7-1-1-2. The Steven has given me this Earth machine to replace my communicator log. It looks…extremely primitive. He also said he wanted me to stop calling him, "the Steven." :'''Steven''': It's just "Steven." :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' I said I'd call him whatever I want. ''[hisses at him; Steven holds up his finger in her face]'' He told me that was rude. :'''Steven''': Rude. :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' I guess I'll call him, "Steven." <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': "Jokes." ''[opens up the joke book; clears throat]'' "Why did the chicken cross the road? The chicken wanted to get to the other side of the road." ''[laughs]'' What's a chicken? <hr width=50%/> :''[Steven installs a TV, inserts a VHS tape in it, and ''Camp Pining Hearts'' begins to start]'' :'''TV Narrator''': ''On the last episode of ''"Camp Pining Hearts"…'' :'''Paulette''': I don't care that you're on the yellow team, Percy. We can make this work! :'''Percy''': It's color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you? :''[They lean in closer to kiss]'' :'''Peridot''': What is this strange ritual? :'''Steven''': Uh, that's um… :'''Peridot''': Are they attempting fusion? :'''Steven''': No, well, my dad told me during certain stages in your life-- :'''Peridot''': How could anyone indulge in this baseless drivel?! I'll have no part of it! ''[through recorder]'' ''Hour 78 of ''"Camp Pining Hearts."'' [repeating Percy's line] ''It's the color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?'' :'''Steven''': Uh, you've been here for a few days. Is everything okay? :'''Peridot''': I've just been… watching your previously recorded entertainment. :'''Steven''': Is that the same episode from three days ago? :'''Peridot''': There's more than one? :'''Steven''': Hmm... nah. Oh, you made a picture. ''[reaches a piece of paper before Peridot snatches it]'' :'''Peridot''': Picture?! This isn't just a picture, Steven! It's a complex chart cataloging the compatible characteristics between campers. Somehow, the rejects at Camp Clod fail to recognize the superior pair that is Pierre and Percy. :'''Steven''': Well, that's 'cause Paulette likes Percy. :'''Peridot''': Paulette? Ha! Paulette has ''no'' place in the camp's hierarchy. Now, Pierre-- Pierre is a brute! Pierre laid waste to the three-legged races. Pierre and Percy present the strongest battle formation. They'd destroy the camp! :'''Steven''': You got all this from one episode? :'''Peridot''': It's ''{{w|subtext}}'', Steven. Allow me to explain. ''[cut back to recorder held by Steven]'' ''Well, first of all, Percy and Pierre are both on the yellow team, and als-'' :'''Steven''': Ugh, I remember this part. ''[fast-forwards recorder as we see Peridot speeding through the entire session; Steven soon falls asleep with Garnet now sitting on the couch]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[sped through]'' ''Percy is using his pogo stick to save her. Not to mention Percy is adept at aquatic sports. He would have won the canoe race if he weren't so busy drooling over Paulette, and the other part where Percy goes to the bottom of the lake to get Paulette's friendship bracelet ''proves'' that he has the largest lung capacity in the entire camp! And Pierre is a force to be reckoned with on land, when he hung Bunk Seven's underwear in the tree, the whole-'' ''[fast-forwarding stops]'' And that's why Percy and Pierre are objectively the best for each other! ''[Steven slumps down the floor; Garnet gives a thumbs up; tears up her complex chart, angrily]'' ''GRAHHH!!!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' Pearl really tries for some reason and I can appreciate that. Amethyst's company is entertaining as well, but the fused one… ''[sees Garnet for a long beat, she gives her a thumbs up]'' …eludes me. <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': Peridot, I'm proud of you. :'''Peridot''': Why?! :'''Garnet''': Because you've made an effort to understand me. :'''Peridot''': But I ''still'' don't understand you! Why are you fused all the time?! :'''Garnet''': I'm Percy and Pierre. :'''Peridot''': ''[realizing]'' Oh! :''[Steven fast-forwards the tape recorder]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] Okay, go.'' :'''Garnet''': ''[through recorder] Log Date 7-14-2.'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] No, you say it "7-1-4-2." [groans] Log Date 7-1-4-2. I have attempted a fusion with the fusion Garnet. I had hoped to gain a better understanding of fusion. Instead, I gained a better understanding of Garnet. :'''Garnet''': ''[through recorder] Wait, keep it on a moment. Steven, you probably shouldn't have listened to Peridot's logs, but I know your curiosity comes from a place of caring. You should give the recorder back to her now. She's going to want to keep it.'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] Wait, what?'' [[Category:Steven Universe seasons]] 0eimy55oqxym6r0wif6bwe0srvjvcsu 3157933 3157930 2022-08-25T20:43:14Z 162.197.99.132 /* It Could've Been Great */ wikitext text/x-wiki ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]] ---- {{italic title}} The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''. === ''Full Disclosure'' === :'''Greg''': I saw the spaceship starting to leave and then it crashed and I came back and— ''[sees Steven's black eye]'' Ugh, your eye... But you're okay! I guess those jerks were no match for the Crystal Gems! :'''Steven''': No way! They were super strong! :'''Greg''': But you were able to beat them back? :'''Steven''': No, they totally stomped us! This warrior Jasper was super beefy and knocked me unconscious. Then they abducted me onto the ship because they wanted to take me away forever, and then we crashed the ship and I almost died! ''[Greg freaks out]'' :'''Greg''': W-What do they want with you?! :'''Steven''': They think I'm Mom. :'''Greg''': Ar-are more Homeworld Gems gonna come after you?! :'''Steven''': I— uhh... I don't know. Maybe? :'''Greg''': Steven, I'm supportive and very proud of you... and I'll be right back. ''[runs into his van]'' Gotta calm down. Where's my— ''[brings a series of CDs up front]'' Where's my relaxing music CD?! This one? ''[inserts CD; starts blaring loud metal music]'' Wrong one!! Stop!! Eject!! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronaldo''': Oh! I see... You come up here to brood too! :'''Steven''': Brood? :'''Ronaldo''': Yes, Steven. That's just what people like us do. Suffer quietly, shouldering the knowledge no one else can bear. :'''Steven''': Hm. :'''Ronaldo''': As an aficionado of the weird yourself, you've probably noticed ordinary people fear the cold leaded anchor of the truth. The abyss is no Sunday swan ride. :'''Steven''': I know! My dad flipped out when I told him! :'''Ronaldo''': Sounds typical. But it's a good reminder. This is no easy path we've chosen here. There are... sacrifices. Look at them all down there, Steven. It's our duty to let those simple people live out their simple lives, without ever knowing the burden of being friends with us. :'''Steven''': At least we can be there for each other. :'''Ronaldo''': Is that giant hand from the sky sitting right in the middle of the beach?! I gotta get some of this for my blog! <hr width="50%"> :'''Amethyst''': Aw, come on! :'''Garnet''': No whining. We need to start cleaning up the debris. :'''Pearl''': Garnet's right. People are already coming back into town! :'''Steven''': We've got to keep them off the beach. If any humans got access to Gem technology, ''[shuts blinds]'' they could really hurt themselves. Maybe we should shut them out... for good. :'''Pearl''': You know... we did once have a fence. Let's get a new one—with barbed wire! :'''Amethyst''': This time, let's build a moat. I could be... ''[shapeshifts her head]'' the crocodi-i-ile!! Jazz hands! :'''Garnet''': No. :'''Amethyst''': Why not? :'''Pearl''': You always say you'll be the crocodile, but you never commit! :'''Garnet''': No fence either. :'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Garnet! :'''Garnet''': Steven needs to see his father and his friends. :'''Steven''': No, I don't! I can't keep clinging to the vestiges of my humanity. It's time I got serious. ''[his phone starts ring-toning again]'' Errh! :'''Pearl''': Steven, why is your communication device playing that song? :'''Steven''': It's Connie, trying to call me... but I can't face her anymore. :'''Pearl''': So... you're just going to ignore her forever? :'''Steven''': It's the responsible thing to do. :'''Amethyst''': ''[sees thru blinds]'' It's gonna be hard, 'cause she's coming up the steps right now. :'''Steven''': What?! === ''Open Book'' === === ''Joy Ride'' === :'''Steven''': Family stuff is tricky. :'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': Mmhm. :'''Steven''': A few months back, my dad and the Gems grounded me from TV. :'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': That's the worst. / Bummer. / No way! :'''Steven''': And then I found out that the Gems are alien rebels and that there are other Gems out in space that want us dead 'cause they think we're traitors. And they tried to take me hostage 'cause they think I'm my mom. And... maybe I kinda am? ''[sighs]'' I wish I could talk to Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl about it, but... I think they kinda blame me for my mom not being around. :''[Buck, Sour Cream and Jenny are in a state of shock for a beat. Jenny turns off the radio]'' :'''Jenny''': That's heavy. :'''Steven''': I guess. <hr width=50%> :'''Garnet''': Steven... you're ungrounded from TV. === ''[[w:Say Uncle (Steven Universe)|Say Uncle]]'' === :'''Steven''': ''[taking a deep breath]'' Shield. ''[his gem glows; slowly opens his eyes, finding himself encased his bubble shield]'' No! Not bubble shield! ''[dispels his bubble and throws a little tantrum]'' What am I doing wrong? The Gems can all summon ''their'' weapons, why can't I? ''[desperate]'' Isn't there somebody who can help me?! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Steven''': Oh my gosh! Uncle Grandpa! You're really here, I can't believe it! I mean… I literally can't believe it. How is this even possible?! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Don't worry, bro. None of this is canon. ''[pulls a real cannon out of Belly Bag]'' But this is! ''[launches his head like a cannonball with smoke trails spelling "APRIL FOOLS" and crashes into a ship with Lars and Sadie on it]'' :'''Lars''': Oh, no!! Our ship!! <hr width=50% /> :'''Amethyst''': Steven! :'''Pearl''': What's going on?! Who is this stranger? :'''Steven''': He's not a stranger, he's Uncle Grandpa! :''[Uncle Grandpa honks his nose]'' :'''Amethyst''': "Uncle… Grandpa"? :'''Pearl''': So that would make him Greg's brother… ''and'' father? :'''Garnet''': That would explain a lot. <hr width=50% /> :'''Pizza Steve''': Oh hey, it's just me, Pizza Steve—just the coolest and tastiest Steve who ever lived. :'''Steven''': Hi, Pizza Steve! I'm a Steve too! Steven Universe. :'''Pizza Steve''': ''Stee''-ven Universe... ''[pops out on top of Steven's hair]'' Come on, Uncle G. I've got two rules—no more than 40 or 50 vans, and only '''ONE''' Steve allowed! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yeah, but this Steven is special. :'''Mr. Gus''': Yeah. He's a Crystal Gem. :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Good mornin', Mr. Gus. :'''Mr. Gus''': What's up, Uncle Grandpa? :'''Steven''': Whoa, Mr. Gus! How do you know about me? :'''Mr. Gus''': I have a comprehensive knowledge of all magical denizens of the multiverse. I know ''ALL'' about the Crystal Gems. Come on, man, check this out. I even made my own Gemsona. ''[shows art of "Mr. Gusite"]'' My gem is on my tail, and my weapon is a fryin' pan. <hr width=50% /> :''[The Gems run frantically across the plot hole many times, stop for a breather]'' :'''Garnet''': There's got to be some way out of here. :'''Pearl''': ''[extremely panicked]'' WE'LL NEVER ESCAPE!! ''THIS'' IS OUR NEW ''HOME!!'' :'''Garnet''': Pearl, you're overreacting. :'''Pearl''': <big>'''I'M NOT OVERREACTING!!!'''</big> :''[Pearl runs around screaming until she crashes into Amethyst]'' :'''Amethyst''': Hey, where's Steven? ''[Pizza Steve walks in dressed like Steven]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Lookin' for me, Pizza Steven Universe? ''[Pearl gasps, cowers behind Garnet]'' :'''Pearl''': That's not my baby! :'''Amethyst''': Ah, nice! ''[eyes on Pizza Steve]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Whoa, hold on! :'''Amethyst''': ''Pizzaaaaaa!!'' ''[chases Pizza Steve offscreen]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Don't eat Pizza Steve! ''[munching noises]'' :''[Amethyst walks back on, putting on Pizza Steve's sunglasses from out of her mouth]'' :'''Garnet''': Okay, I'm ready for this episode to end. ''[stomps her foot on the ground, causing the plot hole to crack and shatter, leaving them back at the beach]'' :''[They see Steven, Uncle Grandpa, Lion, and Giant Realistic Flying Tiger having a tea party]'' :'''Uncle Grandpa''': ''[sighs]'' I'm sorry I couldn't help you learn to use your shield, Steven. :'''Steven''': It's okay, Uncle Grandpa. I had a lotta fun today. :'''Gems''': Steven! :'''Garnet''': Get away from that man! :'''Pearl''': He's a '''''MONSTER!''''' :''[Amethyst hisses and growls]'' :'''Steven''': Hey, cut it out guys. He's done enough already. <hr width=50% /> :'''Gems''': ''[diving towards Uncle Grandpa while beating him up]'' '''''FINISH HIM!!!!!''''' :'''Steven''': ''[rushing in as a chibi]'' No, don't hurt him! ''[lets out a small fart; in slow-motion]'' '''''STOOOOP!!!!!!''''' ''[his gem begins to glow and halts the Gems, in shock and surprise, with his shield]'' Whoa! ''[turns to Uncle Grandpa]'' I did it, Uncle Grandpa! I really did it! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yay. :'''Pearl''': Protecting HIM activated Steven's powers?! :'''Garnet''': He must really care about this stranger. :'''Amethyst''': I hope he didn't care about that pizza. :'''Steven''': Listen! It was a big, weird surprise when Uncle Grandpa showed up here today. We've never met anyone like Uncle Grandpa, but you can't just attack people you don't understand. You have to stick up for them, and listen to what they have to say. You guys always do that for me. :'''Pearl''': ''[blushing with tears in her eyes, feeling guilty and sorry]'' Steven, you're right. ''[cries emotionally]'' HOW CAN I BE SO BLIND?! I'M SORRY! :'''Amethyst''': I also apologize for Pearl. :'''Garnet''': Thank you, you taught us a valuable lesson, Uncle Grandpa. <hr width=50% /> :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Boy, that sure makes my eyes hurt. Now let's see here... ''[grabs a checklist revealing several other Cartoon Network protagonists]'' Dexter, Dee-dee, Blossom, Bubbles, Buttercup, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Billy, Mandy, Mac, Juniper Lee, Swat Kats, Flapjack, Finn, Oh! Steven! ''[checks off Steven's name]'' Now who's next? ''[Clarence's name is shown at the bottom of the list]'' === ''Story for Steven'' === === ''Shirt Club '' === :''[Steven rushes to the Beach House]'' :'''Steven''': Garnet! Amethyst! Pearl! :'''Garnet''': Steven! :'''Pearl''': What is it?! :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, where's the fire? :'''Steven''': It's an emergency! You have to help me take down all the shirts and stop Buck from making more! :'''Pearl''': Have the shirts come to life and and possessed the bodies of their wearers?! :'''Steven''': Uh, no! They just— :'''Amethyst''': Are people catching on fire when they put on the magic shirts? :'''Steven''': No! No, they're just— :'''Pearl''': Are the shirts destroying the wearer's will to continue on in this mortal coil, thereby shutting down Beach City!?! :'''Steven''': ''NOOOOO''!!! They're— they're just... using my art in a way I don't agree with. :'''Pearl''': Oh. ''[all Gems sit down]'' :'''Garnet''': Ah, we'll pass. :'''Steven''': What?! But— but I really need your help! :'''Pearl''': Steven, this sounds like a very abstract problem. :'''Amethyst''': It's not something we can ''punch''! :'''Garnet''': You must learn to help yourself. That's how you become stronger. ''[shades sparkle]'' :'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Good point, good point. / Oh, absolutely. :'''Steven''': But..! :'''Amethyst''': You figure something ''out'', Steven! :'''Pearl''': Yes! Why not dust off those conflict resolution skills? :'''Garnet''': Let your problem be known, then you can work towards an understanding. :'''Steven''': Oh... I'll make them understand. I'll make them all understand... ''[leaves]'' :'''Amethyst''': Eh, he'll be fine. === ''Love Letters'' === :''[Steven and Connie meet Jamie sitting on a log in the beach]'' :'''Steven''': Jamie! :'''Jamie''': Oh, hey, Connie and Steven. You guys come out here to stare at the ocean and think about life too? :'''Connie''': Uhh, no...? We came to, uh— :'''Jamie''': Yeah, life is crazy. One day, you're right here in Beach City delivering mail and then the next thing you know... you're on a bus to Kansas, following your dreams of becoming an actor. "Follow your dreams," they said. But no one said anything about all the rejection and sadness there was to be found. So many auditions day after day... So much rejection day after day... That's why I came back. ''[two seagulls crash into each other and fall into the sea]'' One more rejection would have destroyed my fragile heart. ''[sobs, chuckles]'' Sorry... sometimes I get caught up in the drama zone, you know? :'''Steven''': Yeah, right... Drama zone. :'''Connie''': Oh, by the way, we have something for yo— :'''Steven''': No, we don't! <hr width=50%> :'''Garnet''': I didn't mean to upset you. :'''Jamie''': Then will you go out with me? :'''Garnet''': No! :'''Jamie''': But I've loved you since the moment I saw you. :'''Garnet''': Love at first sight doesn't exist. Love takes time and love takes work. At the very least, you have to know the other person. And you literally have no idea who or what I am. ''[shades glimmer]'' :'''Jamie''': But I bloom for you like— like a... camellia... under moonlight? :'''Garnet''': No, you don't! ''[long beat]'' You make a very convincing lovesick fool. You convinced these children. ''[adjusts her shades]'' You even convinced yourself. ''[smiling]'' You're a fantastic actor. :'''Jamie''': ''[beat]'' ..What am I supposed to do now? :'''Garnet''': Start with local theater. ''[slaps Jamie's back, then walks away. Connie and Steven walk closer to him]'' :'''Connie''': Are you okay? :'''Jamie''': Yeah. That was some pretty solid advice. :'''Steven''': Were those more letters you wrote to Garnet? :'''Jamie''': No. That was the mail I was supposed to deliver on my last route. :'''Steven''': ''[beat]'' We'll help you pick it all up. :'''Jamie''': Thanks. === ''Reformed'' === :'''Garnet''': This is not a good choice for your form. :'''Amethyst''': Lighten up, Garnet. Can't you take a joke? :'''Garnet''': It's not funny. You've made yourself ridiculous. :'''Amethyst''': <big>'''''RIDICULOUS?!?!'''''</big> :'''Garnet''': Keep your voice down! The creature... :'''Amethyst''': Hrrr... You wanted me to be more like Pearl, and now I am!! :'''Garnet''': ''[low voice]'' Pearl would've taken her regeneration seriously! :'''Amethyst''': WHAT DO YOU CARE!?! MY FORM IS '''''MY'' BUSINESS!!''' :'''Garnet''': It's my business when it affects the strength of the team!! :'''Amethyst''': ..So what?! I'm not strong enough?! ''[gets dragged by the Slinker]'' :'''Steven''': Amethyst! :'''Amethyst''': '''ARE YOU SAYING... <big>I'M ''WEAK''</big>?!?!''' ''[poofs again; Steven catches her gemstone]'' :'''Steven''': Is it weird I'm getting numbed to this? === ''[[w:Sworn to the Sword|Sworn to the Sword]]'' === :'''Connie''': ''[fights off seagulls with her violin bow]'' Run back to your masters! Tell them we're not afraid of your kind! :'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Thanks for saving my jam snack. Unfortunately, it's not safe from me. ''[munches it]'' You're such a good sword fighter, Connie. :'''Connie''': Really? I was just swinging this thing around. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'd love to learn how to use a real sword! :'''Steven''': Oh! ''[gulps snack; starry eyes]'' Steven has an idea! :''[back at the Beach House]'' :'''Pearl''': You want me to do ''what''?! :'''Steven''': You should teach Connie to sword fight, she's already so good! :'''Connie''': Steven! :'''Steven''': But you are! Y-You helped me fight the robot floaty-thing, she took down that evil clone of herself, uh... those mean seagulls just now? :'''Pearl''': You're awfully young to begin something like this. But I suppose I was only a few thousand years old when I began fighting alongside Rose Quartz. ''[Connie raises her hand]'' Yes, Connie? :'''Connie''': Please! I want to learn! I mean, I don't know what'll happen in the future. But if something dangerous comes along... I don't wanna be a burden, I wanna help! I want to be there for Steven to fight by his side! The Earth is my home too. Can't I help protect it? ''[Pearl starts watering tears of joy]'' :'''Pearl''': Oh... okay... If that's how you feel... we should get started! :'''Steven''': Woo-hoo! ''[runs after her laughing]'' :'''Connie''': Wait, now? <hr width=50%> :'''Pearl''': All right, everything begins with your stance. Remember: :''[singing] You do it for him, and you would do it again'' :''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.'' :''Keep your stance wide, keep your body lowered'' :''As you're moving forward, balance is the key'' :''Right foot, left foot, now go even faster'' :''And as you're moving backwards, keep your eyes on me.'' :'''Connie''': ''Keep my stance wide'' ("Good.") :''Keep my body lowered'' ("Right.") :''As I'm moving forward'' :'''Pearl''': ''Concentrate! Don't you want him to live?!'' :'''Connie''': ''Right foot, left foot'' :'''Pearl''': ''Yes, but put your whole body into it!'' :''Everything you have, everything you are'' :''You've got to give.'' :''On the battlefield, when everything is chaos'' :''And you have nothing but the way you feel, your strategy and a sword'' :''You just think about the life you'll have together after the war'' :''And then you do it for her, that's how you know you can win'' :''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.'' <hr width=25%> :''Deep down, you know you weren't built for fighting'' :''But that doesn't mean you're not prepared to try'' :''What they don't know is your real advantage'' :''When you live for someone, you're prepared to die.'' :'''Connie''': ''Deep down, I know that I'm just a human'' ("True.") :'''Both''': ''But I/you know that I/you can draw my/your sword and fight'' :'''Connie''': ''With my short existence,'' ("Good.") ''I can make a difference'' ("Yes, excellent!") :''I can be there for him, I can be his knight.'' :'''Connie''': ''I can do it for him'' :'''Both''': ''You'd do it for her'' :'''Pearl''': ''Okay, now do that again'' ("Yes, ma'am.") :''You do it for her, and now you say'' :'''Connie''': ''I'll do it for him.'' <hr width=50%> :'''Amethyst''': ''[belly laughs]'' Wow, Garnet! That is the funniest thing I've ever heard! :'''Garnet''': Garnet, master of comedy. :'''Amethyst''': Hehehe... Yo, Steven. ''[pretend-yells]'' '''WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE ALL SAD LIKE THAT?!?!''' :'''Steven''': W-well... Connie is taking sword fighting lessons from Pearl, but I think it's getting a little too serious. She wants Connie to do all this dangerous stuff for me. :'''Garnet''': That makes sense. :'''Steven''': What do you mean? :'''Garnet''': Back during the war, Pearl took pride in risking her destruction for your mother. She put Rose Quartz over everything — over logic, over consequence, over her own life. :''[Pearl and Rose switch to Connie and Steven, respectively. She charges at the enemy before cutting to Steven's horrified face]'' :'''Amethyst''': You okay, dude? :'''Steven''': I have to do something!! Thanks for telling me that, bye!! === ''Rising Tides, Crashing Skies'' === :'''RonaIdo''': I am now going to attempt to make contact with the mysterious, reclusive, ''[Steven comes out]'' and—ahh! :'''Steven''': Hi, Ronaldo! Uh, hi, Peedee. Is that a camera? :'''Peedee''': Yeah. We're making a movie about— :'''RonaIdo''': It's an investigative report, shot ''[[w:cinéma vérité|camera vérité]]''. :'''Steven''': Cool! :'''RonaIdo''': So... you wanna participate in a groundbreaking interview? :'''Steven''': Hmm. Only if ''you'' participate in a glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade! ''[walks back inside]'' :''[cue Ronaldo and Steven in the Beach House]'' :'''Steven''': Ohh, that giant hand? It was a spaceship coming to get us. :'''RonaIdo''': Us?! I knew it! Steven, we know too much! :'''Steven''': No, not "us" us. I-I meant me and the Crystal Gems. :'''RonaIdo''': Wait. So the hand wasn't here to snatch up humans for a human zoo? Or interfere with our subsidized Beach City wind farm?! Or thaw the cryogenically frozen pets of the one percent!?! :'''Steven''': Uh... no, I'm pretty sure it came to Beach City for me and the Crystal Gems. :'''RonaIdo''': Oh. So, if you and the Crystal Gems weren't here, we wouldn't have been attacked by the giant hand? :'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! Definitely not. === ''Keeping It Together'' === :'''Pearl''': Garnet, you don't think Peridot would come looking for us, do you? :'''Garnet''': We weren't her priority. She was sent here to do something in the Kindergarten. :'''Pearl''': Do you think she's still going to try to reactivate it? :'''Garnet''': Mm. If she gets it back up and running, the Injectors will turn back on. :'''Steven''': Injectors? What're those? :'''Pearl''': You've already seen them. ''[projects hologram from her gemstone]'' Well, you've seen them disabled. If Peridot reactivates them, they'll pick right up where they left off, planting gems in the crust of the Earth, where they'll incubate and suck the life right out of the ground. We can't let Peridot restart Gem production here. If we do... ''[sighs]'' the entire planet will become… :'''Garnet''': Janked. :'''Amethyst''': Garnet! ''[laughs]'' That mouth! ''[sniggers]'' :'''Garnet''': Don't worry. We'll stop her. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': Log Date 6-5-2. This is Peridot updating status. Still stuck on miserable planet. The fusion experiments are developing properly. A few have even emerged early- ''[spots Steven and shrieks; Steven stares silently at her as she looks around; whispers to him]'' Are the ''other ones'' with you? ''[Steven slowly shakes his head no and nods yes quickly, shrugging]'' Of course. Why not? :'''Garnet''': ''[off-screen]'' PERIDOT! :'''Pearl''': THERE SHE IS! <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': We did it! Garnet? :'''Garnet/Ruby''': So ''this'' is what Homeworld thinks of fusion. :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': We couldn't have known they would do this. :'''Garnet/Ruby''': ''This'' is where they've been…all the ones we couldn't find… they've been here the whole time! :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': Rose couldn't have known. :'''Garnet/Ruby''': This is punishment for the rebellion! :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': ''[breaking down]'' It's not our fault! :'''Steven''': Garnet! :'''Garnet''': S-Steven. :'''Amethyst''': ''[sliding down with Pearl]'' Yo! We're back. :'''Pearl''': Garnet, we lost Peridot. Her fingers were too fast for us. ''[two fused hands climb up on Amethyst and grabs them]'' Um… what are these things? :'''Garnet''': PUT THEM DOWN! :'''Steven''': Uh! :'''Pearl''': Wha...? ''[throws the hands away]'' :'''Garnet''': We need to poof and bubble all of them. We can't let any escape. ''[She poofs the hands as the screen turns black]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': What Homeworld did… taking the shattered parts of fallen Gems and combining them—those Gems weren't asked permission. Fusion is a choice. Those Gems weren't given a choice. It isn't right. It isn't fusion! <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven looks at Garnet as he takes the clothes out the dryer into the basket]'' :'''Steven''': What's it like... being a fusion? :'''Garnet''': You fused. :'''Steven''': I mean, like, all the time. Do you forget who you used to be? :'''Garnet''': You forget you were ever alone. You know when you fuse, you don't feel like two people. You feel like one being. And your old names might as well be names for your left arm, and your right. :'''Steven''': When you split up, is it like you disappear? :'''Garnet''': I embody my— I mean, Ruby and Sapphire's love. I always exist in them, even if I split apart. But the strength of that love keeps me together, so I can stay Garnet for a very long time. :'''Steven''': That's why you're so great! :'''Garnet''': ''[smiles]'' Ha. ''[Steven starts laughing, with a light blue colored sock being blown away]'' :'''Steven''': Oh, no! ''[Garnet catches it]'' :'''Garnet''': Don't wanna break up a pair. :'''Steven''': ''[holds peach colored sock]'' Yeah, you're right. ''[Garnet folds socks into basket]'' They belong together. === ''We Need to Talk'' === :''[Greg re-watches Pearl and Rose's fusion dance, practices and falls down]'' :'''Greg''': Ah, geez! How'd she get her legs to do that? ''[groans]'' :'''Amethyst''': Hey! ''[looks at face-to-face with Garnet]'' Are you dead? :'''Greg''': Wha? Uh, no, no. I'm alive. :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, cool! ''[jumps over Greg, runs to the TV]'' It's us from before! :'''Greg''': Yeah, I was just... trying to get my head around this fusion dance. :'''Amethyst''': A fusion dance ain't about your head! ''[laughs out loud]'' :'''Greg''': Wait... you guys are Gems. You gotta help me out here. I need to be able to fuse with Rose! :'''Garnet''': First, you need a gem at the core of your being. Then you need a body that can turn into light. Then you need the partner who you trust with that light. :'''Greg''': Metaphorically? :'''Garnet''': Literally. :'''Amethyst''': ''[whispers]'' Shh! Come on! I still wanna see him try! :'''Greg''': Ugh, so it's true. I really can't do it. ''[touches his face]'' I'm kidding myself with this! I'm never gonna be a Gem... ''[Garnet looks down and picks up a twig]'' :'''Garnet''': Amethyst... give us some privacy! ''[throws it far away]'' :'''Amethyst''': YEAH!! ''[scampers after it]'' :'''Garnet''': Let me tell you something, Mr. Universe. I think you can do it, but it won't work if you dance like Pearl. You have to dance like you. You have to fuse ''your'' way. Get open. Get honest. Invent yourselves together. ''[lowers her shades and winks left of her three eyes]'' That's fusion. :'''Greg''': EYE—think I get it. === ''Chille Tid'' === :'''Steven''': "Sleep is a curse, and yet a curse I need to live"—Steven Universe. ---- :'''Garnet''': Let me show you how it's done. ''(She falls over, stiff as a board)'' :'''Pearl''': That's pretty convincing. ---- :'''Steven''': Lapis! :'''Lapiz Lazuli''': No. I'm ''not'' Lapis anymore. We're Malachite now. === ''[[w:Cry for Help (Steven Universe)|Cry for Help]]'' === :'''Peridot''': This is Peridot, transmitting on all frequencies from abandoned Crystal System colony planet Earth, to Yellow Diamond. My mission has been compromised. My escort ''and'' informant are gone, and I am now stranded! ''[desperately]'' Please send help! <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': It's as I feared. :''[The Communication Hub is glowing and shooting a beam of light towards the sky]'' :'''Pearl''': It looks like Peridot somehow repaired the Communication Hub. Well, at least some of it. :'''Steven''': So... we just gotta wreck it up again, right? (''to Amethyst'') You guys should form Sugilite! :'''Amethyst''': (''smiling a bit'') Yeah... Well, it's up to Garnet, I guess. (''smiling widely, to Garnet'') What do you say? ''[Pearl looks scared in the background]'' Shall we mash it up?... :'''Garnet''': No. :'''Amethyst''': But, don't we need to be huge like last time? :'''Garnet''': Last time was a disaster. Last time we fused, Sugilite went berserk. It's because of her that we can't even warp here anymore. (''takes off her visor'') I can be brash, you can be reckless. And we can both get carried away. So, for the time being, ''[She puts her visor back on and Amethyst's reflection can be seen in them]'' Sugilite is benched. What we need now is to be careful. ''[Steven gasps]'' It's you and me, Pearl. Let's fuse. ''[Pearl looks astonished as she begins to tear up]'' Don't cry, Pearl. ''[Pearl tries to not cry and quivers as she strongly breathes in through her nose, sniffling thickly]'' Come on, let's do this. :'''Pearl''': I'm right behind you. (''sniffling'') :'''Steven''': (''running towards them'') Woo-hoo! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! *sits to the left of Lion* (''Amethyst walks over'') :'''Garnet''': (''gemstones glow'') Ready. :'''Pearl''': (''grunts; stretches'') Hang on, it's been such a long time. <hr width=50%/> :'''Sardonyx''': Gooooood evening, everybody! (''struts over to Lion, Steven, and Amethyst and does a twirl'') This is the lovely Sardonyx! Coming to you ''a-live'' from the soon-to-be-former Communication Hub! How are y'all doin' tonight? :'''Amethyst''': (''sarcastically'') Great... :'''Steven''': (''gasps'') Giant woman! <hr width=50%/> :'''Amethyst''': ''Maybe you're better off with her / I think she's better for you / I forgot how great it felt to be us / Guess I got carried away. / I had to use you to make me feel strong / But I don't care about that now / I see a tower built out of my mistakes / And it all comes crashing down. / Is there something I can doo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo / Can I make it up to you?'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Amethyst''': Stop! :'''Pearl''': Is something the matter, Amethyst? :'''Amethyst''': You... you shouldn't. :'''Steven''': Pearl, we saw you. :'''Pearl''': (''shocked'') What? :'''Steven''': You need to tell Garnet it was you! :'''Garnet''': I don't understand. :'''Pearl''': I'm sorry. It's just... so much fun being Sardonyx with you. :'''Garnet''': ''[drops Pearl to the ground]'' ''That's'' why I couldn't see us finding Peridot. :'''Pearl''': Wait, let me explain! :'''Garnet''': You've been fixing the hub! :'''Pearl''': It really was Peridot! The first time. :'''Garnet''': You ''tricked'' me! :'''Pearl''': No! No, no, no, no! We just needed a reason to fuse! I just wanted to share a few more victories with you! :'''Garnet''': Those weren't ''victories''! :'''Amethyst''': Wait, Garnet! You know, we're so much weaker than you! Fusing with you is like our one chance to feel... ''stronger''! :'''Garnet''': Don't defend her! Peridot is out there somewhere and Pearl's been distracting us with... ''nothing''! :'''Pearl''': Garnet... :'''Garnet''': ''[angrily points at her]'' That's enough! ''[to Amethyst]'' Amethyst, fuse with me! :'''Amethyst''': But-! :'''Garnet''': (''clenching her fist'') Let's just get this over with. === ''Keystone Motel'' === :'''Steven''': Pearl! Where have you been?! :'''Pearl''': Looking for Peridot… For a few days straight. Steven, I know I might have… disappointed all of you. I know Garnet's very upset with me. But I'm going to prove to her that she can trust me again. ''[Garnet walks in through the front door]'' Oh! Garnet! I was just looking for Peridot! She's bound to be somewhere, right? Any new ideas? ''[Garnet says nothing and walks past her]'' I'm sorry. :'''Greg''': ''[enters the house with a brochure]'' Who wants to go on a road trip?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': ''[agitated, panting]'' Calm down... I don't feel like forgiving Pearl!... You don't understand, you must... If you're not going to listen, then you can just GO! ''[splits into Ruby and Sapphire]'' :'''Sapphire''': ''[calmly]'' We must move past this, Ruby. :'''Ruby''': ''[furiously]'' She ''lied'' to us so we'd form Sardonyx! She ''tricked'' us! Don't you feel used?! :'''Sapphire''': You're choosing to take it personally. :'''Ruby''': IT'S ''FUSION'', SAPPHIRE! WHAT'S MORE PERSONAL TO US THAN ''FUSION?!'' :'''Sapphire''': I know you're still upset... :'''Ruby''': Oh, so it's just me?! :'''Sapphire''': Of course not. Can't you see I'm completely engulfed with rage? :'''Ruby''': Well, it doesn't feel like it! :'''Sapphire''': The sooner we forgive Pearl, the better it will be for us all. :'''Ruby''': YOU'RE NOT AS ABOVE THIS AS YOU THINK YOU ARE! <hr width=50%/> :'''Sapphire''': ''[about Ruby, while she shakes the table]'' This will pass. She'll eventually just burn herself out. :'''Ruby''': ''[angrily]'' THAT'S WHAT ''YOU'' THINK! '''I AM AN ETERNAL FLAME, BABY!''' ''[flips the table]'' :''[while Greg talks to Steven, arguing with each other simultaneously]'' :'''Ruby''': You don't know me! :'''Sapphire''': How could I possibly not know you? We always fuse! We always fuse, what are you even going on about fusion? :'''Ruby''': Look at you! ''[laughing]'' You don't even know yourself! Ha! :'''Sapphire''': So don't act so ridiculous. :'''Ruby''': ''I'm'' ridiculous?! :'''Sapphire''': Yes, yes. <hr width=50%/> :'''Steven''': I was so happy when Garnet said she wanted to go on this trip with me and Dad! Home's been awful! Here's been awful! I thought you wanted to have a fun time, but everyone's been acting awful too! It... it just came with us! I don't understand! Is it... is it me? :'''Ruby''': ...No! Steven, it's all us! :'''Sapphire''': But we made him feel like it was his fault... I keep looking into the future, when all of this has already been solved, as if it doesn't matter how you feel in the present! ''[starting to cry]'' No wonder you think I don't care...! :'''Ruby''': Sapphire... No, nonononono! This is all my fault, I... I didn't want to look for a solution, I... I just wanted to be mad! You're right! You're always right! I was being stupid! :'''Sapphire''': I don't think you're stupid! :'''Ruby''': I'm... sorry. ''[gently brushes Sapphire's hair aside, revealing her sad eye]'' :'''Sapphire''': You honestly think I'm not upset about what happened? I was just... trying to do the right thing. :'''Ruby''': I know... ''[starts smiling]'' You know what's nice about being split up? :'''Sapphire''': What? :'''Ruby''': I get to look at you... :'''Sapphire''': ''[pushes her off, laughing]'' Be serious! :'''Ruby''': ''[hugs Sapphire]'' There's my Laughy Sapphy! :'''Sapphire''': Shh! You're embarrassing me in front of Steven! ''[cut to Steven, feeling awkward at the scene]'' === ''Historical Friction'' === :'''Steven''': Hey, Pearl! ''[sees a desolate Pearl sitting on the couch, looking at the ceiling]'' Pearl? :'''Pearl''': ''[jumps up]'' Steven! You're back! :'''Steven''': Yeah... ''[sits down]'' Show business is rough. :'''Pearl''': Is there something I can help you with? :'''Steven''': Not unless you can make William Dewey interesting. :'''Pearl''': How do ''you'' know William Dewey? :'''Steven''': I'm gonna be him in this play! But he's totally boring! He's perfect and he never makes mistakes. :'''Pearl''': ''[sigh]'' Wish I could say the same for myself. :'''Steven''': Yeah, but nobody's like that! Everybody gets stuff wrong, and then you have to keep going and it's hard, which is why it's great when you never stop trying! :'''Pearl''': ..When did you get so smart? === ''Friend Ship'' === :''[Steven and the Gems enter a room in the ship. Peridot appears on a projected screen]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' You Gems really are as dull as dirt! :'''Pearl''': You're the dull one if you thing you can fly this wreck! :'''Peridot''': ''[pauses]'' What? Can you speak louder? Some of these communicators are gunked up. :'''Steven''': ''[cleans off a microphone, speaks into it]'' Pearl says ''you're'' the dull one if you think you can fly this wreck! :'''Peridot''': ''[waits for Steven's response to come through] [laughs]'' Fly? I'm not using this vessel to fly. I'm using it to '''''TRAP YOU!''''' ''[a door closes, trapping Steven and the Gems in the room]'' Isn't this nice? No more Crystal Gems running around, messing with my plans, destroying my things. Looks like I've got you just where I want you. How does it feel to be so easily outsmarted, you '''''CLODS?!''''' :'''Pearl''': No... :'''Amethyst''': ''[speaks into the microphone]'' Hey, uh, this is Amethyst. I don't appreciate being called a clod, you clo- :'''Peridot''': Enough talk! Prepare yourselves for annihilation! ''[dramatically hits a button]'' Hiyah! ''[nothing happens, hits it again]'' Hiyah! :''[the room's laser cannons activate and take aim at Steven and the Gems]'' :'''Peridot''': It works! Yes! '''''DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIIIIE!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garnet''': Pearl, stop. That isn't helping. :'''Pearl''': I have to do something. I can't believe I walked us right into Peridot's trap. This is all my… ''[Peridot's hologram disappears as the ground starts to shake]'' fault? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pearl''': ''[thru screen]'' Garnet… I'm sorry! :'''Amethyst''': Wait a sec! :'''Pearl''': Things weren't supposed to turn out this way... ''[inside, Garnet punches the wall again]'' :'''Garnet''': We'll get outta here somehow. :'''Pearl''': ''[sighs]'' That's not what I mean! I really wanted to catch Peridot to make up for what I did... ''[Garnet withdraws her gauntlets]'' I wanted to prove to you that... that everything could go back to normal... :'''Garnet''': Catching Peridot won't make things go back to normal. ''[thru screen]'' This isn't about Peridot. :'''Amethyst''': Hey... they're actually talking! :'''Steven''': Now they can finally work things out! :''[soon, the gears start to activate and turn and start closing into the trapped two]'' :'''Amethyst''': Not if they get crushed! :''[both Garnet and Pearl push their unflinching sides]'' :'''Pearl''': Please! Tell me! How can I make you forgive me?! :'''Garnet''': You can't! You lied to me! You need to learn that there are consequences to your actions! :'''Pearl''': I'm sorry! I... I couldn't help myself! :'''Garnet''': ''[kicks opposite side of wall next to Pearl]'' I don't want to hear your excuses! :'''Pearl''': But it's true! No matter how hard I try to be strong like you, I'm just a Pearl. I'm useless on my own. ''[cries]'' I need someone to tell me what to do. :''[the walls suddenly stop moving; Both Amethyst and Steven pull her whip on its gears in its place. Garnet and Pearl pause for a beat]'' :'''Pearl''': When we fuse, I can feel what it's like to be you. Confident and secure, and complete. You're perfect. You're the perfect relationship. You're always together, I just... I wanted to be a part of that. :'''Garnet''': You're wrong! I'm not as strong as you think. I fell apart over this. Ruby and Sapphire were in turmoil over how you deceived me. ''[thru screen]'' I came undone. :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, that really happened? :'''Steven''': ''[nods]'' Hm. :'''Garnet''': It's not easy being in control. I have weaknesses too, but I choose not to let them consume me. I struggle to stay strong because I know the impact I have on everyone. Please understand, Pearl. ''[thru screen]'' You have an impact too. ''[inside]'' There are times when I look up to you for strength. You are your ''own'' gem. You control your destiny. Not me, not Rose, not Steven. But you must choose to be strong, so we can move forward. So I can trust you again. :'''Pearl''': I understand. I can't give up anymore! :'''Garnet''': Good. === ''Nightmare Hospital'' === :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': ''[sighs]'' I had a rough day at work and I'm not in the mood for any more surprises. :'''Connie''': Whatsyjf happened at work? :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': There was a really strange case at the hospital today, straight out of a ''nightmare''. ''[beat]'' Oh, don't worry, the rules of doctor-patient confidentiality keep me from sharing the graphic details, but... Hang on a moment. When did we get a coat rack? :'''Connie''': Oh, no... :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': A ''SWORD''?! Connie, where did you get this?! :'''Steven''': I-it's— :'''Connie''': I found it! I just... found it outside and I wanted to show it to Steven. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': How could you possibly think this is okay?! :'''Connie''': It's— :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Do you know how many children I see everyday in the hospital who've cut their faces off playing with swords?! :'''Connie''': I— :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': NONE!! Because they all have parents who love them, and who don't let them play around with deadly weapons like some kind of gang member! No playing with swords, under any circumstances! ''[her cell phone rings, answers it]'' This is Dr. Maheswaran. Yes, calm down, Stromberg. Another one? :'''Steven''': ''[to Connie]'' Is she gonna give it back? :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': All right, I'll-I'll be right there. ''[zips sword in duffle bag]'' I have to go to the hospital. I'll have a talk with your father to calculate just how grounded you are. ''[leaves, comes back]'' And we're using the abacus! ''[leaves again]'' :'''Connie''': I ''hate'' that abacus. Steven, I'm so sorry. She took your mother's sword! :'''Steven''': Maybe we can get her to change her mind? :'''Connie''': She never ''ever'' changes her mind. We've got to get that sword back ourselves. <hr width=50%> :'''Connie''': Mom... I'm really sorry about lying to you. It started off as a tiny secret, and then I felt like if I didn't hide it, you wouldn't let me see Steven ever again. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Is that how you feel? Are we too controlling? :'''Connie''': ..Maybe. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I just wanted to be a good mother. I... I just wanted to protect you. :'''Connie''': I can protect myself now! ''[Dr. Maheswaran pauses for a long beat, sighs]'' :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Okay. ''[Connie winces]'' We'll... pull back on the rules, and I'll try to keep an open mind about ''[Connie's lenses]'' this, and ''[Lion]'' that, and... him. ''[Steven stays frightened]'' It scares me that you can't talk to me. I need to know what's happening in your life. I... I need to step in when you're in over your head. Would you just promise me you'll stop all this lying? :'''Connie''': ''[beat]'' That's a rule. ''[they embrace each other]'' :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I love you, honey. :'''Connie''': I love you too, Mom. === ''Sadie's Song'' === :'''Sadie''': Please, Mom. Don't make me do this. :'''Barb''': Make you? You said you wanted to sing. :'''Sadie''': Yeah! I did! I did! I did, I did. Just like I say lots of things like, "Hey, Mom. Swimming looks fun", then bam! Suddenly, I'm anchoring a 400 meter relay for the Beach City Seals. "Hey, Mom. I thought signing up for softball would be nice." 6 birthdays later, I'm still getting nothing but kneepads and batting helmets. "Hey, Mom. I wanna sing at this year's Beachapalooza", and what do I get? THIS! I just thought, for once, I get to do things my way, but you came in and took over everything like you always do. :'''Barb''': I just wanted everyone to know how talented my daughter is. :'''Sadie''': THIS is not your daughter. :'''Barb''': ''[stunned]'' I'm sorry. === ''Catch and Release'' === :'''Steven''': ''[getting padded by Peridot]'' Why are you acting like this?! :'''Peridot''': You smashed me into a limbless cloud, you trapped me in your bubble dungeon, and you called me... ''cute''! ''[Steven evades her punch, face-flat on the floor]'' :'''Steven''': I didn't poof you! I freed you! ''[Peridot turns back]'' :'''Peridot''': Why would you make such a miscalculation? :'''Steven''': Back at the warp pad, what were you trying to say? Why do we need you? What do you know? :'''Peridot''': What do I know? Everything there is to know about the Cluster, you pebble! :'''Steven''': Cluster? Wait, pebble? :'''Peridot''': My mission. The reason why I'm on this sad rock in the first place! I was to check progress on the Cluster! Just in and out, before it hatches. I wasn't supposed to get stuck here! But now it's going to emerge and nothing can stop it, and we'll all be shattered!! :'''Steven''': Okay, okay, wait, slow down. Now, from the top—emerging, hatching, Clusters? :'''Peridot''': You wanna know? :'''Steven''': Yes. :'''Peridot''': You ''really'' wanna know? :'''Steven''': Yes? <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': ''[in bathroom]'' Hmm... Seems I've discovered some sort of archaic... think chamber. Roomy, with a fresh hint of Earth citrus. ''[lifts toilet seat]'' A perfect crossroads for my escape. :'''Amethyst''': ''[fiddling the bathroom doorknob]'' It's locked. :'''Garnet''': Peridot, open the door! ''[flushing sounds are heard]'' :'''Amethyst''': Uh, if you're trying to flush yourself down the toilet, it ''won't'' work. ''[cut to Peridot spinning inside the toilet bowl]'' Trust me, I've tried. :'''Pearl''': How did she get out?! We bubbled her! :'''Amethyst''': Maybe we needed a bigger bubble. :'''Garnet''': My bubbles are fine. :'''Steven''': ''[sweating nervously]'' I did it. :'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' Steven, why would you do such a thing?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': I'm tired of playing these games. If we can't fight her, fine. We'll talk. Peridot! :'''Peridot''': ''[slips off the sink]'' Whoa! :'''Garnet''': All right, no more fighting. Let's just have a civil conversation. :'''Peridot''': As if I'd negotiate with you, filthy war machine! :'''Garnet''': ''[summons gauntlets]'' Okay, let's kick her butt. :'''Steven''': Wait! :'''Peridot''': Yeah! Destroy me again! ''[hangs on bath curtain pole with a plunger]'' And have fun trying to talk to me when I'm in a ''bubble''! ''[almost slips off]'' :'''Pearl''': I really hate to say it, but unfortunately if she has information, she's more valuable to us like… this. :'''Garnet''': This is going to be tricky. ''[hear knobs turning, water splashing]'' :'''Peridot''': H-h-hot hot hot!! :'''Steven''': You have to turn the knob the other way for cold! ''[later in the kitchen with the Gems]'' Wait, so we're just gonna let her live in my bathroom? :'''Pearl''': Well, yes. What other option do we have? Keep her outside on a leash? === ''When It Rains'' === :'''Garnet''': ''[banging on the bathroom door]'' Open the door, Peridot! If this "Cluster" is putting us in danger, you need to tell us what it is so we can stop it! :'''Peridot''': No! I hate you! I'm not telling you anything about the Cluster! :'''Amethyst''': Oh, come on. Is it like a big, hunk of granola? :'''Peridot''': What's granola? :'''Pearl''': I'm sure it's not granola. Now, Peridot, I'm sure we can reach some sort of agreement. Perhaps a trade is in order? :'''Peridot''': Oh, sure. Why don't you just give me back my leg enhancements and my arm attachments with my screen and my log and all my information. Oh, wait, YOU DESTROYED THEM! So, no, I don't think we can reach some sort of agreement! :'''Steven''': ''[flushing the toilet]'' Okay, Peridot, you can turn around now. ''[exits the bathroom, clears throat]'' Sorry for interrupting your interrogation. :'''Garnet''': Don't worry about it, Steven. :'''Pearl''': I swear, Peridot is gonna crack any second now. :'''Peridot''': I'll ''never'' crack for the likes of you, you… Crystal Clods! ''[laughs]'' :'''Pearl''': ''[angrily]'' Ooh, I got your clods right here, you little…! :'''Garnet''': ''[puts her hand on her shoulder]'' Hold on, Pearl. If she's not gonna be of any help, let's investigate this thing on our own. :'''Steven''': I'll come with you. :'''Garnet''': Sorry, Steven. We're gonna need you to stay here and keep an eye on our…''guest.'' :'''Steven''': Really? :'''Amethyst''': Yeah. Make sure she doesn't try anything. :'''Pearl''': Don't worry. She's harmless without her limb enhancers. :'''Peridot''': I'M NOT HARMLESS! :'''Pearl''': Oh, hush up! <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': These are the early attempts at artificial fusion. :'''Steven''': That's a lot of gem shards. :'''Peridot''': We were growing them here at this very site. But these were just prototypes for the final product, a singular giant artificial fusion, comprised of millions of gem shards…the Cluster. :'''Steven''': Peridot, you're saying there's a giant mutant gem the size of the Earth under us right now? :'''Peridot''': Oh, no. When it forms, it'll be much, much bigger than the Earth. Right now, it lies dormant, incubating in the Earth's core. But when it emerges and takes its physical form, it will destroy the planet. The prototypes are already emerging. The Cluster is next. If we can't get off this planet, we've got to stop the Cluster! I thought it'd be impossible, but now we have a chance. :'''Steven''': What is it? :'''Peridot''': ''[grabs Steven's shoulders and grins malevolently]'' It's you, Steven! ''[she and Steven climb out of the control room]'' Now that you're filled in, we can get to work! :'''Steven''': Uhh, how am I supposed to help? :'''Peridot''': Well, you have all the information that we need about Earth and its erratic behavior. Put that together with my expansive knowledge of the Cluster and we just might be able to stop it! :'''Steven''': No, Peridot, I don't think you get it! Just because I know how clouds work doesn't mean I know how to stop a giant mutant in the center of the earth! Besides, the only reason that I know anything about clouds and rain is because my dad told me. :'''Peridot''': What are you talking about? :'''Steven''': I used to be really scared of thunderstorms, just like you. Then Dad explained how rain and all that stuff works, then I wasn't scared of rain anymore. :'''Peridot''': Well, I'm sure you have other knowledge about how this planet works. :'''Steven''': Sure, but none of it's going to help us. If we want to stop this Cluster thing, we'll need help from the Crystal Gems. :'''Peridot''': I said I don't need them! Let's just warp me back to the bathroom, or whatever you call it, and we'll take care of this. If it looks really bad, then we can just ask this "dad" for help, right? === ''Back to the Barn'' === :'''Peridot''': What is that?! :'''Steven''': ''[speaking with the Cluster puppet]'' It's the Cluster. :'''Peridot''': It does not look like that. But it ''is'' real, and it can activate at any moment! :'''Amethyst''': What a cluster. :'''Garnet''': That abomination must be stopped. :'''Pearl''': But how? We'll need to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth, it'll have to- :'''Peridot''': ''[swats at Pearl, interrupting her]'' Hey! I wasn't finished speaking! What we ''need'' is to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth. <hr width=50%/> :'''Pearl''': All right. What we have here in the barn should be adequate enough for us to get started. First, I recommend we organize the component types, and assemble a rough blueprint based off what we have available. Sorry, Steven. It's a lovely drawing, but it won't look like this. ''[Steven stops spinning on the swivel chair, now frowning]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[examines piece of chalk]'' Hmm... Good. Yes, this is adequate. Thank you. You can go now. :'''Pearl''': ..Uh, what? :'''Peridot''': Hm? ''[beat]'' Umm, that will be all? ''[claps to her for a beat, whispers to Steven]'' How do you get her to leave? :'''Pearl''': Excuse me, I am not leaving. :'''Steven''': Yeah! She's gotta stay here to help us build the drill thing, right? :'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' No, no, you're confused. A Pearl can't build a thing like this. :'''Steven''': Why not? :'''Peridot''': Because Pearls aren't ''for'' this! They're... for standing around, an-and looking nice, and uh... holding your stuff for you. Right? :'''Pearl''': That's enough! If we're going to work together, you're going to have to listen to me. :'''Peridot''': Listen to you? ''[starts laughing, turns to Steven]'' Did you teach her to talk like this? :'''Steven''': What are you talking about? :'''Peridot''': She's a Pearl. She's a made-to-order servant just like the hundreds of other Pearls being flaunted around back on Homeworld. :'''Steven''': Wait... There's hundreds of Pearls?! :'''Pearl''': ''[nervous]'' Well... yes, but— :'''Peridot''': ''[holding Pearl's sash]'' And she looks like a fancy one, too. ''[Pearl gasps]'' :'''Steven''': Hundreds of Pearls... :'''Peridot''': So, who do you belong to anyway? :'''Pearl''': ''[grabs her sash away from her]'' Nobody!! :'''Peridot''': Then... what are you for? ''[Pearl recoils back]'' Well, you can belong to me for now. Ha! A Peridot with a Pearl? What would they say back home? :'''Pearl''': Now listen here, you tiny twerp! In case you've forgotten, you're on ''our'' turf now! And I didn't fight a thousand-year war for this planet's independence to take orders from the likes of ''you''!! :'''Peridot''': Excuse me? I am a natural technician and a certified Kindergartener. I was made for this! You were made to take orders, not to give them! :'''Steven''': Whoa, whoa, hang on, guys! Now, we can all agree that you are both good at building things, so... can't you just try listening to each other? :'''Both''': <big>'''''NO!!'''''</big> :'''Pearl''': I'm as good at building things as you! Better, even! :'''Peridot''': Hah! Name one thing you can engineer better! Go on! :'''Steven''': ''[whispers]'' Robots. :'''Both''': Hm? :'''Steven''': You should build robots. Giant robots! I see a race. A giant robo-race... with prizes. Giant robo-prizes! :'''Pearl''': You mean like a competition? :'''Steven''': Yeah! To see who's better at building stuff! :'''Peridot''': What are these robots you speak of? :'''Steven''': They're like those funky marble guys you were sending—only bigger, and you can ride them! ''[makes robot noises]'' :'''Peridot''': Hah! Building one of these robots will be easy! :'''Pearl''': Well, I can build one faster! :'''Peridot''': That's what you think! === ''Too Far'' === :'''Peridot''': ''[talking into a recorder]'' Log date 7–1-1-2. It's the third rotation of the Earth since commencements of a... collaborative approach to stopping the Cluster. :'''Pearl''': I've finished drawing up the blueprints for the drill head. Peridot, if you could come take a look at this? :'''Peridot''': Remind me again why I should listen to you? Oh, right. ''[plays recorder]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] "The Pearl here has developed an aptitude for engineering that I begrudgingly respect. But that doesn't explain the spontaneous singing... crying... singing while crying." [Amethyst laughs]'' :'''Pearl''': ''[to Steven] [annoyed]'' Why did you give her that? :'''Steven''': Well, we did destroy all her stuff. I thought it might help make her feel a little better. :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] "Clod!" [fast-forwards] "Mighty clod!" [fast-forwards] "Running out of ways to say clod."'' :'''Garnet''': All right. I chased away those cows. Now let's get to work. :'''Peridot''': ''[to Garnet] [clears throat]'' Before we begin, would you mind unfusing? It's making me incredibly uncomfortable. :''[beat as Steven, Amethyst and Pearl nervously look to Garnet. The scene then cuts to Garnet leashing Peridot to a fence.] :'''Peridot''': ''[as Garnet walks away]'' What?! What'd I say?! :'''Steven''': Did we really have to do that? :'''Garnet''': Her having free reign of the place made ''me'' incredibly uncomfortable. <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven and Amethyst walk up to a leashed Peridot growling over a microwave]'' :'''Peridot''': I just need some sort of leverage optimizer... :'''Amethyst''': Leverage optimizer? :'''Peridot''': That's what I said. :'''Amethyst''': Ohhh! Ha! You mean you want a screwdriver? ''[laughing]'' :'''Peridot''': Do you have one or not? :'''Steven''': Uh... ''[hands a screwdriver]'' Why don't you just use this one? :'''Peridot''': Because it was outside my radius. :'''Amethyst''': He-hey... Hey, Peridot... ''[points to her nose]'' What do you call this? :'''Peridot''': A scent sponge. :'''Steven''': Huh? ''[Amethyst laughs some more]'' :'''Amethyst''': Okay... ''[opens her eye]'' what's this? :'''Peridot''': Vision sphere. :'''Steven''': Peridot, that's— :'''Amethyst''': Wait, wait, Steven! Peridot... ''[waves her fingers]'' these? :'''Peridot''': ''[getting annoyed]'' Touch stumps. :'''Amethyst''': ''[points to her foot]'' This?! :'''Peridot''': Gravity connectors. :'''Amethyst''': ''This''?! :'''Peridot''': '''THAT'S YOUR BUTT!!!''' ''[Steven and Amethyst laugh out loud]'' :'''Steven''': Oh, man, Peridot, you're killing me! :'''Peridot''': I am not! That would violate our truce agreement! :'''Amethyst''': No, no, no! You're funny! :'''Peridot''': Funny? <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': The strangest thing is, Amethyst... you think you have to listen to them! ''[laughs]'' You are the one they should put you in charge! :'''Amethyst''': Ha! That's your best joke yet. :'''Peridot''': No, really. Pearl is a Pearl. Garnet is a fusion. I don't even know what ''he's'' supposed to be. :'''Steven''': Hey! :'''Peridot''': You're the only Crystal Gem that's actually a Gem! :'''Amethyst''': Uh... ''[laughs nervously]'' What? :'''Peridot''': You outrank everyone on your team. They should be listening to you. You're a strong, singular, fully-functional soldier, despite the fact that you're defective. :'''Amethyst''': ..Defective? :'''Peridot''': Well, sure. You're small. :'''Amethyst''': So? :'''Peridot''': Well, you're not supposed to be! Hold on, wait, wait. Let me guess. ''[points to Amethyst's hole]'' This— ''[runs to hole]'' This is the hole you came out of. Too small, too low, the exit marks look about 500 years newer than every other hole. Hmm... this place must have been empty when you came out. No wonder you have no idea what you're supposed to look like! :'''Steven''': Peridot... ''[Amethyst holds Steven on the shoulder]'' :'''Amethyst''': What was I supposed to look like? :'''Peridot''': Well, you're a quartz. They're huge, loyal soldiers. You should be twice your size. Broad shouldered, intimidating, but you simply stayed in the ground too long. :'''Amethyst''': Are you saying I'm wrong?! :'''Peridot''': ''[laughing]'' Gemetically speaking, yes. When you think about it it's also... ''[snickers]'' funny! ''[Amethyst feels more enraged]'' :'''Steven''': Amethyst? :'''Peridot''': Hey, soldier. Maybe you can help me get this hunk of drill off. :''[Amethyst violently slashes the drill head off of an Injector with her whip]'' :'''Peridot''': See? Look at that! You can do everything a normal quartz can do. Let's head back and shove this thing in Pearl's face! :'''Steven''': Amethyst? Are you okay? :'''Amethyst''': Don't worry about it. <hr width=50% /> :'''Pearl''': ''WE LEAVE FOR ONE SECOND AND EVERYTHING GOES OFF THE RAILS!'' :'''Garnet''': I blame the cows. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' "''Log date 7-1-1-2. This entire planet is backwards. There hasn't been one instance of correct behavior exhibited by anyone of these Crystal Gems. I have concluded that they are all defective. But I am no better. I failed my mission and I'm now working with the enemy. And I can't even get that right. I have apparently "hurt" Amethyst's "feelings", which was not my intent. If I damaged my standing with the best Gem here, then I've made a serious mistake. I'm still learning. I hope you understand. I want to understand. I'm sorry. [pause] Peridot, Facet 5, end log.''" === ''The Answer'' === :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Sapphire had been called to Earth by Blue Diamond, specifically to share her vision of the future. :'''Sapphire''': ''[enters her Diamond's palanquin]'' My Diamond, I have arrived. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond spoke… :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Sapphire, tell me what will happen here. :'''Sapphire''': I foresee the rebels attacking the Cloud Arena. Before they are cornered, they will destroy the physical forms of seven gems, including two of my Ruby guards, and myself. Immediately after my form is destroyed, the rebels will be captured. The rebellion ends here. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Thank you, Sapphire. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond said, relieved. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': That's all I needed to know. :'''Sapphire''': I look forward to speaking with you again once I reform back on Homeworld. <hr width=50% /> :'''Rose''': ''[off-screen]'' Blue Diamond, leave this planet! This colony will ''not'' be completed! :'''Ruby Guard''': It's the rebels! :'''Various Gems''': Who are you?! Show yourselves! :'''Rose''': ''[floating from above Pearl]'' We… :'''Rose & Pearl''': …are the Crystal Gems! :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The attack was right on schedule. <hr width=50% /> :'''Sapphire''': Thank you, Ruby. You did your best. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Ruby suddenly realized what Sapphire meant. She'd known that Ruby would fail. Sapphire had accepted it. But Ruby… Ruby could not. :'''Ruby''': ''NO!!'' ''[charges at Sapphire, pushing her out of the way of Pearl's attack, causing them to spin into the air and accidentally fuse into Garnet for the first time]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The furious crowd closed in around Ruby and Sapphire. They'd never seen fusion of two different types of gems. :'''Various Gems''': Unbelievable! Disgusting! This is unheard of! :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond's voice cut through the crowd. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': The rebels have fled. Sapphire, this is ''not'' the scenario you described. :'''Sapphire''': This is… not what I saw! I don't know what happened, I… :'''Ruby''': No! It was me! :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Clearly. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Said Blue Diamond. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': How dare you fuse with a member of my court? :'''Ruby''': Forgive me, I… :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': You will be broken for this! <hr width=50% /> :'''Both''': ''Where did we go, what did we do?'' :''I think we made something entirely new'' :''And it wasn't quite me and it wasn't quite you'' :''I think it was someone entirely new.'' :'''Ruby''': ''Oh, um'' :''Well, I just can't stop thinking'' :'''Sapphire''': ''So, um'' :''Did you say I was different?'' :'''Ruby''': ''And you hadn't before'' :'''Sapphire''': ''Of course not'' :''When would I have ever?'' :'''Ruby''': ''I'm so sorry'' :'''Sapphire''': ''No, no, don't be'' :'''Ruby''': ''And now you're here forever!'' :'''Sapphire''': ''What about you?'' :'''Ruby''': ''What about me?'' :'''Sapphire''': ''Well, you're here too'' :''We're here together.'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm'' :'''Both''': ''Mm-m-m-m-mm, hm-m-m-m-m'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm...'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' I was back. I was someone and I didn't know who. But I felt I was getting the hang of my strange new form. ''[beat]'' And then I fell. :'''Past Garnet''': Ahh! ''[tumbling down a hill and crashes in bushes]'' Ouch... ''[a sword is pointed to her face]'' Aahh! Don't hurt her! Don't hurt... me? :''[Pan up to see Pearl as the sword bearer]'' :'''Pearl''': It's you... the fusion. :'''Past Garnet''': We didn't mean to fuse! Well... well, we did this time. We'll unfuse! We-we'll... w-we'll... ''[Rose Quartz comes by]'' :'''Rose''': No, no, please. I'm glad to see you again. :'''Garnet''': And there they were - Rose Quartz, the leader of the rebellion and her terrifying renegade Pearl. :'''Past Garnet''': I don't... upset you? :'''Rose''': Who cares about how I feel? How ''you'' feel is bound to be much more interesting. :'''Past Garnet''': How I feel? I-I feel... uh, lost... and scared... a-and happy. W-Why am I so sure that I'd rather be this than everything I was supposed to be, and that I'd rather do this than everything I was supposed to do? ''[Rose chuckles and smiles]'' :'''Rose''': Welcome to Earth. :'''Past Garnet''': C-Can you tell me?! How was Ruby able to alter fate? Or, why was Sapphire willing to give up everything? W-What am I?! :'''Rose''': No more questions. Don't ''ever'' question this. You already are the answer. :''[Flashback story ends as Garnet concludes]'' :'''Steven''': So…what was it? The answer? :'''Garnet''': ''[whispers]'' Love. :'''Steven''': Wow… I knew it. :'''Garnet''': So did I. === ''Steven's Birthday'' === :''[Steven runs and hides to an edge of the barn; he de-ages into his normal state]'' :'''Steven''': Ohhh, geez! If I can just keep this up for the rest of my life, no one will suspect a thi— :''[he sees wide-eyed Amethyst and Greg staring at Steven for a beat; he drops a piñata stick]'' :'''Amethyst''': What are you doing?! :'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' U-uh— well, what are ''[ages back]'' you doing? :'''Greg''': What are ''you'' doing to your body?! :'''Amethyst''': Woah, woah, woah... Have you been stretching yourself out all day?! :'''Steven''': No! I was just... slouching. :'''Greg''': Why are you doing this? It... really isn't like you. :'''Steven''': Because, Dad! I can't stay a kid forever! When Connie grows up and becomes president, what is that gonna make me? First Boy?! :'''Amethyst''': Steven, you can't just keep stretching forever. If you hold it too long, you could really hurt yourself. :'''Steven''': Yeah, well, I'm half-human so maybe it works different for me! We'll just have to wait and see, right?! :'''Greg''': ''[sighs]'' Steven... <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': ''[trying to cheer up baby Steven but fails]'' My power means nothing to an infant. <hr width=50%/> :''[Greg, Connie and Amethyst (as a baby car seat for baby Steven) drive up in his van; Connie waves a maraca trying to calm down baby Steven]'' :'''Connie''': How can the Gems not know what to do?! :'''Greg''': You think they know the first thing about raising a baby? That was all me! But I don't get it. Driving always used to calm him down. :'''Connie''': But, how do we change him back?! :'''Greg''': I don't know! Look, Connie, let me take you home. I-I'll call you when this all this gets sorted out. :''[Connie turns to baby Steven babbling and crying]'' :'''Connie''': W-Wait, no! I wanna stay. :'''Greg''': Are you sure? :'''Connie''': Yeah! I just want to be there for Steven. Don't worry, Steven. It doesn't matter to me what age it seems like you are, I wanna hang out with you no matter what. Your dad still has to earn his car wash and the Gems have to do gem stuff, so I'll watch you when they're not around. I can come see you after I'm done training with Pearl, too. Doesn't that sound fun? ''[baby Steven holds onto her finger; coos happily]'' :'''Greg''': Look at that! He finally stopped crying. :'''Connie''': Well, that's a start. ''[Amethyst clears her throat]'' :'''Greg''': What's up, Amethyst? :'''Amethyst''': Baby Steven needs changin'. === ''It Could've Been Great'' === :'''Steven''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :''And peace and war on the planet Earth'' :''Is there anything that's worth more'' :''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?'' :''Whoahh, come on and sing it with me'' :'''Peridot''': Sing? :'''Steven''': ''The words relate to the key'' :'''Peridot''': Key? :'''Steven''': ''If it's a pattern, if it's a pattern'' :''Then just repeat after me.'' :''Life and death and love and birth'' :'''Peridot''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :'''Steven''': ''Now using mi-fa-mi-mi-fa-mi-ti-la!'' :'''Both''': ''And peace and war on the planet Earth.'' :'''Steven''': Yes, yes! That's it! :'''Peridot''': That's so easy. :'''Steven''': Yeah, but that's what's fun about it! You should write something, you should write a song. :'''Peridot''': About what? :'''Steven''': Whatever you're thinking. <hr width=25% /> :'''Peridot''': ''I guess we're already here, I guess we already know'' :''We've all got something to fear, we've all got nowhere to go'' :''I think you're all '''insane''', but I guess I am too'' :''Anybody would be if they were stuck on Earth with you.'' :'''Steven''': ''[laughing]'' Yes! ''Life and death and love and birth and'' :'''Amethyst''': ''Life and death and love and birth and'' :'''Pearl''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :''And peace and war on the planet Earth.'' :'''Garnet''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :'''Steven''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :'''Peridot''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': Coordinates! We still the Cluster's exact coordinates in order to drill! :'''Pearl''': There's a Diamond base that may hold that information, but getting there is going to be difficult. :'''Steven''': How come? :'''Pearl''': Because it's not accessible by warp pad, and it's on… ''[gazes up into the sky]'' :'''Steven''': ''[gasps]'' The moon?! <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': Huh? Hey, Peridot, who is this supposed to be? :'''Peridot''': ''[runs up and gasps at the mural]'' It's Blue Diamond! Wait. Are they ''all'' here?! Ah, yes! There she is! :'''Steven''': Who? :''[They run up to the mural of Yellow Diamond]'' :'''Peridot''': Behold, Yellow Diamond! Isn't she magnificent? :'''Steven''': Wow! So, who are the Diamonds anyway? They seem like a big deal. :'''Peridot''': Are you joking me? The Diamonds are the Gem matriarchs! Together, they make up the Great Diamond Authority that governs Homeworld and all the outlying colonies! We live to serve them. ''[Garnet clears her throat and glares down at her in annoyance; nervously chuckles]'' I…I mean, we were all made to serve them, even though some of us don't anymore. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': This is so incredible! Only the most elite can enter these sanctums. We are literally walking in the footsteps of the Diamonds. :'''Steven''': They must really like stairs. :''[They enter an upstairs room with only a single mysterious object in the middle]'' :'''Steven''': Hey, what's this room? :'''Garnet''': ''[continues walking upstairs]'' It's not what we came for. :'''Amethyst''': Can we hurry it up? This place gives me the creeps. :'''Steven''': ''[as they reach the top of the moon base]'' We really are on the moon. <hr width=50% /> :''[Peridot brings up a hologram of Earth, which starts eroding to a hollowed-out version with a ring system as Steven and the Gems awe in shock]'' :'''Peridot''': Ta-da! A finished Earth colony. Wow, look at this! Eighty-nine Kindergartens, sixty-seven spires, a Galaxy Warp in each facet, efficient use of all available materials. What were you thinking shutting this operation down?! It could've been great! :'''Garnet''': No! You're wrong! :'''Peridot''': What do you mean? It's perfect. Look at it! :'''Pearl''': We ''are'' looking at it. :'''Amethyst''': Yeah, this plan stinks! :'''Garnet''': Completing this colony would have meant the extinction of all life on Earth! :'''Peridot''': But think of the good it would've done! The Gems that would've been made are empire expanded! :'''Pearl''': Rose Quartz believed all life was precious and ''worth'' protecting. :'''Peridot''': Well, if she wanted to protect it, she did a lousy job! There'd be no Cluster if the Earth had stayed a colony! Now there's no colony, and there's gonna be no Earth! So thank you, Rose Quartz, you doomed the planet! :''[Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst stare angrily at Peridot for a beat]'' :'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! ''[nervously]'' Is there anything that's worth more than— :'''Garnet''': ''[picks up Peridot by the tunic, sharply]'' You, listen to me, now. ''[summons gauntlet]'' You were talking about things that you <u>do ''not'' understand.</u> :'''Steven''': Garnet! Stop, please! It's not worth it. We're done here. Let's just go home. :''[Garnet drops Peridot on the seat and smashes the control panel with her gauntlet and the hologram dissipates; the Gems start leaving soon after. Steven sighs]'' :'''Peridot''': What'd I say? I'm just stating a fact. The rebellion didn't really save Earth, it just delayed the inevitable. :'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' That's not the way they see it. They've spent thousands of years trying to protect the Earth. I thought maybe you finally understood why. === ''Message Received'' === :'''Peridot''': ''[quickly hides the Diamond Communicator prism she took from the Moon Base behind her back when she sees Steven]'' Oh! Steven. :'''Steven''': Peridot, I need to talk to you. :'''Peridot''': Uh, yeah! Sure. :''[They both enter the truck]'' :'''Peridot''': Why are we in this broken down vehicle? :'''Steven''': I wanted to ask you…about the Diamonds? :'''Peridot''': Oh! I don't know what the others have told you, but there's a reason they're in charge. :'''Steven''': Why's that? :'''Peridot''': They're objectively better than us. Every Gem has their strengths and weaknesses, but not them. They're absolutely totally completely flawless beings! Especially my diamond, Yellow Diamond, the most perfect, the most reasonable, rational, efficient decider ever to exist in the universe! :'''Steven''': You're really loyal to her, aren't you? :'''Peridot''': How could I not be? We might have our little truce, but I'll never forsake the Gem I was made for! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yellow Pearl''': This is the Yellow Diamond control room. :'''Amethyst''': Is that another Pearl? :'''Steven''': Who is she? :'''Pearl''': Not all Pearls know each other, Steven. :'''Yellow Pearl''': Who authorized you to make this call? :'''Peridot''': No one. But it's an emergency! :'''Yellow Pearl''': That's no excuse to use the direct Diamond communication channel! :'''Yellow Diamond''': Pearl? :'''Yellow Pearl''': Yes, my Diamond? :'''Yellow Diamond''': Why is there someone on the diamond line? :'''Yellow Pearl''': I don't know! I was just about to tell her that… :'''Yellow Diamond''': I'll take it from here. ''[brings the screen up to her eye level, revealing herself]'' :''[The Crystal Gems gasp in shock]'' :'''Amethyst''': Is that… :'''Pearl''': Yellow… :'''Garnet''': Diamond. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peridot''': Wait! I— I wouldn't have called just to waste your time with a report. :'''Yellow Diamond''': You already have. :'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' No, I mean... The reason I called – the ''real'' reason... I believe we should terminate the Cluster. :'''Yellow Diamond''': ...''Why?'' :'''Peridot''': The organic ecosystem creates resources unique to this world. We can't sacrifice all that potential just for one geo-weapon! I'd like to tell you some plans I came up with to utilize the planet without disrupting the local— :'''Yellow Diamond''': I've heard enough! I don't care about potential and resources. :'''Peridot''': What? :'''Yellow Diamond''': I want my Cluster, and I want that planet to ''die''. Just make that happen. :'''Peridot''': ...No! :'''Yellow Pearl''': Huh?! :'''Yellow Diamond''': Are you questioning my authority? :'''Peridot''': I'm questioning your objectivity! My Diamond. :'''Yellow Pearl''': Well! ''[Yellow Diamond stands up]'' :'''Yellow Diamond''': You are out of line. :'''Peridot''': I just think— :'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm not interested in the puny thoughts of a Peridot. :'''Peridot''': But— :'''Yellow Diamond''': You have disrespected this channel and my time with your presence, and you would do well to— :'''Peridot''': But— :'''Yellow Diamond''': ''Shut your mouth!!'' ''[beat]'' You have failed at every stage of this mission! Your only chance to redeem yourself is to obey this simple order: You are to leave the Cluster to grow. It will tear apart the Earth, and I will take immense satisfaction in erasing that hideous rock off of our star maps! ''Is that clear?!'' :'''Peridot''': I won't do it!! I can tell you with certainty that there are things on this planet worth protecting! ''[Steven smiles]'' :'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you know about the Earth?! :'''Peridot''': ''[losing her temper]'' APPARENTLY MORE THAN ''YOU'', YOU... <big>'''''CLOD!'''''</big> ''[Yellow Diamond suddenly becomes incredibly livid at a petrified Peridot]'' Uhh... Peridot out. :''[She terminates communication; Steven and the Gems come out from hiding and happily congratulate Peridot]'' :'''Steven''': That was AMAZING! :'''Peridot''': ''[sweating and looking devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that... :'''Steven''': I was so wrong about being so wrong about you! :'''Peridot''': ''[still sweating and devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...! :'''Garnet''': You thought you could change her mind. :'''Amethyst''': Yellow D got torn down by the "Peridactyl"! :'''Peridot''': ''[sighs and gives the communicator to Pearl]'' Can one of you take this? :'''Pearl''': Why? :'''Peridot''': Because it can be remotely detonated. :''[The communicator starts to glow red; Steven and the Gems panic while Peridot curls up into a ball on the ground]'' :'''Pearl''': How do we stop it?! :'''Garnet''': Just get rid of it! :'''Pearl''': Err, here, Amethyst! ''[passes it to her]'' :'''Amethyst''': ''WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?!'' :''[She throws it to Steven, who bubbles it; Garnet punches it away into the sky, where it explodes harmlessly]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[still curled up]'' I thought I could reason with her... :'''Amethyst''': ''[grinning]'' Yeah, you ''REALLY'' made her mad. :'''Pearl''': ''[smiling]'' And then you insulted her to her face. :'''Steven''': ''[overjoyed]'' Do you know what this means?! :'''Peridot''': I'm a traitor to my Homeworld. :'''Steven''': ''You're a Crystal Gem!!!'' ''[hugs Peridot]'' :'''Garnet''': ''[smiling]'' Whether you like it or not. :''[Peridot starts groaning loudly as the camera zooms out to the whole of Earth]'' === ''Log Date 7 15 2'' === :'''Peridot''': Log Date 7-1-5-2. I can't believe I just did that! I disobeyed my orders and went against Yellow Diamond's wishes! I'm a traitorous clod! I never want to think about what I've done again! ''[stops recording, rewinds and plays the recording; laughs madly]'' And I called Yellow Diamond a clod! Right to her face! ''[falls to her knees]'' I called Yellow Diamond a clod. ''Right to her face.'' :'''Steven''': Uh, Peridot? Are you going to be okay? :'''Peridot''': ''[enthusiastically with a deranged smile]'' No! :'''Steven''': It's all going to work out. You're with us now. :'''Peridot''': You don't understand! I'm protecting a planet I was once trying to destroy! I used to follow every order, every rule. Now I'm a traitor. ''[cringes]'' A rebel! ''[eyes turn to stars] '''A CRYSTAL GEMMMMMMMMMMMM....''' ''[snickers]'' :'''Steven''': Well, that tape recorder seems to be helping. :'''Peridot''': '''NO IT'S NOT!''' ''[throws recorder at Garnet, who had just entered]'' It's a chronicle of my descent into madness!!! :'''Garnet''': ''[holding out recorder to Peridot]'' You dropped this. :'''Peridot''': Get it away from me! Give it to Steven. Return madness to its source! <hr width=50%/> :''[Steven presses the rewind button on the tape recorder, rewinding all the way back to the beginning]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' Log Date 7-1-1-2. The Steven has given me this Earth machine to replace my communicator log. It looks…extremely primitive. He also said he wanted me to stop calling him, "the Steven." :'''Steven''': It's just "Steven." :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' I said I'd call him whatever I want. ''[hisses at him; Steven holds up his finger in her face]'' He told me that was rude. :'''Steven''': Rude. :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' I guess I'll call him, "Steven." <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': "Jokes." ''[opens up the joke book; clears throat]'' "Why did the chicken cross the road? The chicken wanted to get to the other side of the road." ''[laughs]'' What's a chicken? <hr width=50%/> :''[Steven installs a TV, inserts a VHS tape in it, and ''Camp Pining Hearts'' begins to start]'' :'''TV Narrator''': ''On the last episode of ''"Camp Pining Hearts"…'' :'''Paulette''': I don't care that you're on the yellow team, Percy. We can make this work! :'''Percy''': It's color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you? :''[They lean in closer to kiss]'' :'''Peridot''': What is this strange ritual? :'''Steven''': Uh, that's um… :'''Peridot''': Are they attempting fusion? :'''Steven''': No, well, my dad told me during certain stages in your life-- :'''Peridot''': How could anyone indulge in this baseless drivel?! I'll have no part of it! ''[through recorder]'' ''Hour 78 of ''"Camp Pining Hearts."'' [repeating Percy's line] ''It's the color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?'' :'''Steven''': Uh, you've been here for a few days. Is everything okay? :'''Peridot''': I've just been… watching your previously recorded entertainment. :'''Steven''': Is that the same episode from three days ago? :'''Peridot''': There's more than one? :'''Steven''': Hmm... nah. Oh, you made a picture. ''[reaches a piece of paper before Peridot snatches it]'' :'''Peridot''': Picture?! This isn't just a picture, Steven! It's a complex chart cataloging the compatible characteristics between campers. Somehow, the rejects at Camp Clod fail to recognize the superior pair that is Pierre and Percy. :'''Steven''': Well, that's 'cause Paulette likes Percy. :'''Peridot''': Paulette? Ha! Paulette has ''no'' place in the camp's hierarchy. Now, Pierre-- Pierre is a brute! Pierre laid waste to the three-legged races. Pierre and Percy present the strongest battle formation. They'd destroy the camp! :'''Steven''': You got all this from one episode? :'''Peridot''': It's ''{{w|subtext}}'', Steven. Allow me to explain. ''[cut back to recorder held by Steven]'' ''Well, first of all, Percy and Pierre are both on the yellow team, and als-'' :'''Steven''': Ugh, I remember this part. ''[fast-forwards recorder as we see Peridot speeding through the entire session; Steven soon falls asleep with Garnet now sitting on the couch]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[sped through]'' ''Percy is using his pogo stick to save her. Not to mention Percy is adept at aquatic sports. He would have won the canoe race if he weren't so busy drooling over Paulette, and the other part where Percy goes to the bottom of the lake to get Paulette's friendship bracelet ''proves'' that he has the largest lung capacity in the entire camp! And Pierre is a force to be reckoned with on land, when he hung Bunk Seven's underwear in the tree, the whole-'' ''[fast-forwarding stops]'' And that's why Percy and Pierre are objectively the best for each other! ''[Steven slumps down the floor; Garnet gives a thumbs up; tears up her complex chart, angrily]'' ''GRAHHH!!!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' Pearl really tries for some reason and I can appreciate that. Amethyst's company is entertaining as well, but the fused one… ''[sees Garnet for a long beat, she gives her a thumbs up]'' …eludes me. <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': Peridot, I'm proud of you. :'''Peridot''': Why?! :'''Garnet''': Because you've made an effort to understand me. :'''Peridot''': But I ''still'' don't understand you! Why are you fused all the time?! :'''Garnet''': I'm Percy and Pierre. :'''Peridot''': ''[realizing]'' Oh! :''[Steven fast-forwards the tape recorder]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] Okay, go.'' :'''Garnet''': ''[through recorder] Log Date 7-14-2.'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] No, you say it "7-1-4-2." [groans] Log Date 7-1-4-2. I have attempted a fusion with the fusion Garnet. I had hoped to gain a better understanding of fusion. Instead, I gained a better understanding of Garnet. :'''Garnet''': ''[through recorder] Wait, keep it on a moment. Steven, you probably shouldn't have listened to Peridot's logs, but I know your curiosity comes from a place of caring. You should give the recorder back to her now. She's going to want to keep it.'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] Wait, what?'' [[Category:Steven Universe seasons]] tuj2s6vspaokjjclxiayzgnd31pjnay 3 196168 3157910 3132606 2022-08-25T17:43:30Z Illegitimate Barrister 549904 wikitext text/x-wiki ==Mike Breen== A page that you have been involved in editing, [[:Mike Breen]], has been listed for [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion|deletion]]. All contributions are appreciated, but it may not satisfy Wikiquote's criteria for inclusion, for the reasons given in the nomination for deletion (see also [[Wikiquote:Wikiquote|what Wikiquote is]] and [[Wikiquote:What Wikiquote is not|is not]]). If you are interested in the discussion, please participate by adding your comments at [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Mike Breen]]. Also, please consider improving the article to address the issues raised. Thank you. [[User:Jusjih|Jusjih]] ([[User talk:Jusjih|talk]]) 01:23, 7 June 2017 (UTC) ==Hello== Hello. I asked you politely last year to revdel your edit summary [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:Democratic_Party_(United_States)&diff=next&oldid=2114875 here] as false, misleading, and defamatory. Clearly, this must have slipped your mind. I await your response. [[User:DragonflySixtyseven|DragonflySixtyseven]] ([[User talk:DragonflySixtyseven|talk]]) 18:03, 4 November 2017 (UTC) == [[:Category:Japanese poets]] == [[user:Risto hot sir|Risto hot sir]] has requested that I ask the community about what should be done regarding the numerous articles listed under [[:Category:Japanese poets]]. You will know what I mean after you read a few and start to see the trend. They are all a possible copyright violation, they are all of non-notable people who don't even have a Wikipedia article, they are all from one source and they all clog up this category. You can read more about this [[user talk:DanielTom#User:Risto hot sir's Japanese Poet Articles|here]], [[talk:Fuso|here]], [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Doyu|here]], and [[User talk:Risto hot sir#Atsujin|here]]. [[User:Just A Regular New Yorker|Just A Regular New Yorker]] ([[User talk:Just A Regular New Yorker|talk]]) 01:19, 13 March 2018 (UTC) ::The voting time is over. And have I really asked JARNY to ask opinions?--[[User:Risto hot sir|Risto hot sir]] ([[User talk:Risto hot sir|talk]]) 14:52, 13 March 2018 (UTC) == Request for comment on MonsterHunter32 == I am asking the community to comment about the censorship of this user that I have already alerted about here [[Talk:India#Censorship_of_sourced_quotes_by_User:MonsterHunter32]] and at other places, but it didn't help. What should be done about the continued massive removal of sourced quotes by {{Userlinks|MonsterHunter32}} when he refuses to even move the quotes to the talkpage with full reasoning for each quote as was asked by multiple users many many times? You can read more about it at the link above, and at the other discussions linked in that discussion. What would be most helpful would be if other editors could add comments to the summary table here [[Talk:India#Summary_table]]. Since you are an admin, I would also welcome your view on the following. Other editors and me have previously told {{U|MonsterHunter32}} many times that the following rule based on [[Template:Remove]] should be strictly observed by him: :*'''All quotes removed by [[User:MonsterHunter32]] must always be moved by him to the article talkpage with a note that they were removed from the article, giving full reasoning (for each removed quote), as required by [[Template:Remove]]. Otherwise, the status quo (uncensored) version should be kept and/or restored.''' This really is the bare minimum that must be enforced. If MonsterHunter32 as a rule continues to refuse to do this, I don't see how any meaningful discussion of the deleted quotes is possible at all. Please note that this was asked to him dozens of times, and dozens of times he continues to ignore it. Can you please help ensure that MonsterHunter32 observes this? He has been told this dozens of times by multiple users, but I will notify him again about this on his talkpage (my last notification was promptly deleted by him). If he starts edit warring again without observing this rule, he should be blocked, or at least the page be protected. Please let me know if you have a different interpretation of any of the above. Thanks. :Observing the rule above based on Template:Remove is the bare minimum, but it will not solve the tendentious edit warring of MonsterHunter32: *'''{{U|MonsterHunter32}} has done blanked and censored dozens of quotes, most of them without ANY discussion on the talkpage, without moving the censored quotes to talk, and with very poor excuses (like that he only needs to "explain" his mass-blanking of many quotes in the same edit in his edit summary)''' *'''He refuses to discuss to discuss his censorship on talk, and just continues edit-warring.''' *'''{{U|MonsterHunter32}} has admitted that he is "monitoring me constantly". That is called stalking and is extremely disruptive.''' *'''{{U|MonsterHunter32}} has done numerous personal attacks, baiting and attacking me and others for my or their alleged religious beliefs or opinions or alleged bias, using religious or political smears against me and others.''' :MonsterHunter32 as a rule refuses to make the slightest concession that the quotes might be notable for other people than him. He will never admit that he was wrong, he will never make the slightest concession to me. That is not good faith discussing. Discussion with someone who as a rule and always refuses to make the slightest concession that he might be wrong, or that others may have different opinions than him, is becoming a waste of time. Maybe even worse are the misrepresentations, dishonesty and personal attacks. :This is what '''other editors''' have said about {{U|MonsterHunter32}}: *'''"I believe [[User:MonsterHunter32|MonsterHunter32]] is being extremely annoying and disruptive."''' *"I was originally under the impression that to take part in this argument would require extensive research. I started by looking at Monsterhunter’s edits. '''It did not take long to indentify a general theme. He appears to be blanking large selections of quotes, with the poor justification that he was fixing the articles so that they would have a neutral point of view. However, that did not seem to be the case.''' Even if it was true, I don’t see why people that claim is important. Wikiquote serves as a site that collects quotes from reliable sources, and if the people being quoted were biased, that doesn’t mean the quote should be removed. If he feels that Jedi3 is adding too many of these quotes, than he may “combat” it by adding other quotes that he feels are appropriate. '''Edit-warring is not the answer."''' *" I would simply suggest that rather than trying to delete the page one should instead try to find properly sourced and relevant quotes that might represent an alternative POV. " *"I see no creditable reason for eliminating a page .... because the creator of the page is disliked...." *"Since when do users need to add an explanation for why they are adding quotes? '''Explanations are needed to remove quotes.''' If a quote is from a notable person, and has a reliable source, you can’t take I down just because you disagree with the views expressed by the quote. “Wikiquote is a free online compendium of sourced quotations from notable people and creative works...” ~Main Page~ " *"I’m not sure how any of this answers what I wrote." (in response to MonsterHunter32) *"No more of this time-wasting dispute here. I don't want my talk page to be used to call people vandals, liars, etc..... " *"Stop with the '''misleading''' edit summaries (and now section headings too). " * "and IF you revert this again you WILL be BLOCKED." * "it certainly IS censorship to ATTEMPT to allow ONLY one side to a discussion " * "if you keep this up you will be blocked" :I have attempted to solve it with discussion with him, but by his refusal of even the most elementary things, like giving full reasoning for each deleted quote on the talkpage, he is making it extremely difficult. What really is needed, and I asked many times for this, are comments from other users on the quotes. Please see [[Talk:India#Summary_table]] for my latest attempt to ask others for comments. :Ultimately, I agree with what another editor has said on the Admin noticeboard: ::*'''"If MonsterHunter32 has reasonable objections to the quotes themselves, he may discuss them on the article's talk page, but ''not'' remove them unilaterally.''' He may proceed to remove the disputed quotes from the articles '''only if in those discussions he manages to get some other editor to agree with him"''' (that other editor should either be a Wikiquote admin or an editor with more than one year of experience at Wikiquote.) :Please let me know if you too agree with this. :Wikiquote is not prepared to handle persistent, disruptive editors like {{Userlinks|MonsterHunter32}} who by his own admission is "constantly monitoring" me, attacking me for alleged religious bias or my alleged religious beliefs, and reverting all my additions with poor excuses that in most cases he refuses even to discuss. It cannot be in Wikiquotes interest when such editors can by constant edit warring and refusal to discussion get away with censoring and blanking quotes. --[[User:Jedi3|Jedi3]] ([[User talk:Jedi3|talk]]) 01:16, 27 March 2018 (UTC) ==Jedi3's disruptive edits== What does [[User:Jedi3]] hopes to achieve by repeatedly complaining instead of any actual cooperation? When I discuss he either abruptly leaves or keeps on repeating the same things. He keeps on edit-warring over and over and even started edit-warring right after [[User:UDScott]] block on him expired. All of the "complains" of his based on poor fact- reading and hiding the truth again. Oh he doesn't mention some of the comments made by other users about him: * [[User:Jedi3]] wrongly keeps claiming [[Template:Remove]] doesn't allow for removal of quotes and mandates moving and discussion. But I found out he hasn't read it properly. Templat:Remove itself says the quotes can be removed with edit summaries. Moving and discussing is required in almost all cases. It says: ''Quotes should never be removed without a comment in the edit summary, and should almost always be moved to the Talk page with a note that they were removed from the article, giving full reasoning.'' :Despite moving and discussing not being mandatory in every case, I've often tried to discuss and move one article at a time but Jedi3 keep son edit-warring over one quote. SO HOW WILL I GET TIME FOR OTHER QUOTES? SO while he claims I am "not moving and discussing", he forgets that i can't do everything at once and the major cause is his disruption asides from being humanely impossible to discus everything at once. He's a vandal who's making up claims like he did abut [[Template:Remove]] who needs to be immediately blocked. * While Jedi3 is talking about "comments against me', Jedi3 forgets [[User:Kalki]] has [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Kalki&diff=2374935&oldid=2374931 criticized his behavior as well]. * What Jedi3 forgot to mention [[User:DanielTom]] said about me at AN, "Jedi3 is obviously concerned that MonsterHunter32 is actively censoring quotes critical of Islam and wikihounding him." How? The only thing most of the articles relate to Islam is that the Muslim rules were Muslims or some of their actions may be because of Islamic fundamentalism. Most quotes I removed are not about Islam except maybe a few non-notable ones added by Jedi3 which he added into articles of Muslim rulers or a particular religious conflict/riot like [[Noakhali riots]]. :He claims it despite me adding quotes about negative acts done by Muslims. At [[Aurangzeb]] I myself added a quote talking about [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Aurangzeb&diff=2364614&oldid=2364585 temple destruction by Aurangzeb]. Even at [[Noakhali riots]] I added a quote holding a Muslim responsible. I added them only because they were notable. Also I made few changes to ancient India as well. I however only remove content that is clearly not notable or memorable. The user has similarly made quotes against Christian colonial rulers in India only to further his agenda. Even if his quotes are not memorable he has added them. * While [[User:Jedi3]] talks about "Bare-minimum", he doesn't '''stop to the do the most disruptive thing: Edit-warring'''. What's more he resumed edit-warring right after [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Jedi3&diff=2370214&oldid=2364891 '''UDSCOTT warned him'''], '''he edit-warred''' at [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Malabar_rebellion&diff=prev&oldid=2370261], [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Swami_Vivekananda&diff=prev&oldid=2370262], [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Historical_negationism&diff=prev&oldid=2370263], [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Noakhali_riots&diff=prev&oldid=2370264], [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Bangladesh_Liberation_War&diff=prev&oldid=2370265] and [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Aurangzeb&diff=prev&oldid=2370267]. * He has also made some utterly false claims of "blanking", even though my removal of his quotes didn't involve more than 1 or 2 quotes and removed only a small part of the article. Some of his utterly false claims of "blanking" are [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Historical_negationism&action=history here], [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Swami_Vivekananda&diff=prev&oldid=2370209 here] and [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Malabar_rebellion&diff=prev&oldid=2370208 here]. *As earlier mentioned after UDScott [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Jedi3&diff=2370296&oldid=2370266 blocked him] for a week, '''he resumed edit-warring right after the block expired''. See [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Historical_negationism&diff=2373980&oldid=2370273 here], [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Aurangzeb&diff=prev&oldid=2373904 a sly attempt to befool others in edit summary at Aurangzeb of "article under construction"], [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Swami_Vivekananda&diff=prev&oldid=2373983 at Malabar rebellion]. * There is nothing wrong in checking another editor when they are being disruptive like [[User:Jedi3]]. And what I actually said was me categorically proving I never censored him. I was checking whether his edits are non-notable and non-memorable. "While Jedi3 keeps claiming censorship, he knows I've checked many of his recent edits on other articles where we don't have any issues. I've mostly removed quotes from his older articles. But even there I've let some of his quotes remain there. That's because on any article whenever I've found his quotes are really memorable and notable, I have not removed them." * He claims I "refused to discuss". This despite me discussing at [[Talk:Somnath temple]], [[Talk:Aurangzeb]] and [[Talk:India]]. '''At all of those talk pages my comment is the latest'''. You can check them. * I already suggested at [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:India&diff=2375025&oldid=2375021 talk:India], let's discuss all quotes one by one at the relevant article talk pages. '''He refuses to do so'''. * Jedi3 keeps on '''smearing and making false allegations''' of "censorship" just because I disagree with many of his quotes being relevant. That too me telling it plainly '''I have only removed non-memorable/non-notable quotes''': "While Jedi3 keeps claiming censorship, he knows I've checked many of his recent edits on other articles where we don't have any issues. I've mostly removed quotes from his older articles. But even there I've let some of his quotes remain there. That's because on any article whenever I've found his quotes are really memorable and notable, I have not removed them." * He says I'm done numerous "personal attacks" against [[User:DanielTom]] and [[User:Kalki]]. I never committed any personal attacks like Jedi3 who started calling me a vandal and claimed I was censoring baselessly. And Jedi3 doesn't reveal DanieTom needlessly kept on edit-warring with me at [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Everybody_Draw_Mohammed_Day&action=history Everybody Draw Mohammed Day] despite me already inviting him to talk and offering him a [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:Everybody_Draw_Mohammed_Day&diff=2366222&oldid=2366172 compromise]. What's more he revealed his [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:Everybody_Draw_Mohammed_Day&diff=2366247&oldid=2366246 reason to be a baseless belief of me attempting to censor] even though I already offered to [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Everybody_Draw_Mohammed_Day&diff=2366177&oldid=2366175 talk right after his first revert]. * After Daniel Tom [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:India&diff=prev&oldid=2374502 reverted me] at [[Talk:India]] for removing Jedi3's vandal comments of baseless accusations and taking the issue to an entirely unrelated article while the actual discussion should have been at [[Talk:Aurangzeb]] and other articles where I actually removed his quotes. His actions were very similar to Jedi3 by baselessly accusing me of censorship despite me discussing and compromising despite the quote being not notable, I asked him not to take sides with jedi3 over any ideolgical affinity. I told DanielTom about this [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:India&diff=next&oldid=2374484] and also tried to prevent another edit-war at [[Talk:India]] like it happened on [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Everybody_Draw_Mohammed_Day&action=history Everybody Draw Mohammed Day]. I also told him the [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:DanielTom&diff=prev&oldid=2374513 same at his own talk page]. * After Kalki [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:India&diff=2374930&oldid=2374929 reverted me] twice at talk:India and warned me, that was my last revert. I didn't start edit-warring and reverting like Jedi3. At [[User talk:Kalki#What censorship at Talk:India]] I asked him to effectively moderate and enforce the rules by blocking Jedi3 for his consistent disruptive editing. He kept saying he didn't have time but I pointed out I already made Jedi3's disruptive edits clear and if he moderated then this place would have been a much better place as i believe Jedi3 is not fit for here. I asked him to act against Jedi3 as the latter kept edit-warring right after after being warned and blocked by UDScott. *Jedi3 has no problem in making false claims about quotes. [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:Sikandar_Butshikan&diff=2354345&oldid=2354342 Sikandar Butshikan], indirectly admitting to verbatim to verbatrim copying from Wikipedia before checking the source, even though it isn't about Martand temple.  He also added a quote at [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Muhammad_bin_Qasim&diff=prev&oldid=2374280 Muhammad bin Qasim] that isn't about the topic. He made up a false reason to remove a quote at [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Muslim_conquest_of_the_Indian_subcontinent&diff=2365614&oldid=2365547 Muslim conquest of the Indian subcontinent]. Or he keeps making up his quotes eloquent, poignant, witty etc despite the "quotes" not even falling at all within the definition. He does this just to have his edits there at all costs. I've told him several times about this including [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:Aurangzeb&diff=2370038&oldid=2369457 here]. * He has no problem in his reverts [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard&diff=2374566&oldid=2374564 removing my quotes] and later not adding them in "some cases" as he claims, but he only has a [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:India&diff=2375031&oldid=2375027 problem] when I [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Aurangzeb&diff=2374260&oldid=2373999 reverted his edits] to stop his attempt at [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Aurangzeb&diff=prev&oldid=2373904 edit-warring] at [[Aurangzeb]]. * Jedi3 tried to [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Jedi3&diff=2370430&oldid=2370296 justify his edit-warring] claiming he had no choice as "I wasn't discussing". This despite me telling him that [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:MonsterHunter32&diff=2370260&oldid=2370259 I already tried to discuss]. I never said there will be no discussion ever. All i said was I couldn't discuss all of them at once. I have already asked him to discuss the quotes one a time. * He keeps on telling me to follow [[Template:Remove]]. But when I asked him to follow [[WQ:WQ]], [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Jedi3&diff=2364220&oldid=2364214 he indicated he won't and said it wasn't a policy or guideline]. [[template:Remove]] doesn't claim to be a policy or guideline either. Regardless I've posted several quotes and tried to discuss with him, But Jedi3 keeps making false claims and abruptly stops discussion. *DanielTom called me "annoying" which is an extremely negative connotation and a real personal attack. I [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Vandalism_in_progress&diff=2364965&oldid=2364946 told him about this]. Then Jedi3 claims it is not a [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Vandalism_in_progress&diff=2365655&oldid=2365648 personal attack and calls my comments annoying.] So I [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Vandalism_in_progress&diff=next&oldid=2365655 told him] that annoying means irritating and harassing or making angry. i asked him tocontrol himself if he felt so. *Just a Regular New Yorker laimed in his comment that quotes canot be removed if they are sourced. He doesn't seem to have read tyhe policies. *Except [[Wikiquote:Wikiquote]], [[WQ:Q]] and [[Template:Fame]] saying this is for notable quotes. And the [[Template:Remove]] Jedi3 keeps talking about itself says the quotes can be removed with edit summaries. Moving and discussing is required in almost all cases. "Quotes should never be removed without a comment in the edit summary, and should almost always be moved to the Talk page with a note that they were removed from the article, giving full reasoning." I've often tried to discuss and move one article at a time but Jedi3 keep son edit-warring over one quote. SO HOW WILL I GET TIME FOR OTHER QUOTES? *Jedi3 points to the comment "I see no creditable reason for eliminating a page .... because the creator of the page is disliked...." Except I never said such a thing. But I do dislike is Jedi3's disruptive edits and him not giving two hoots about notability. *"*"Stop with the '''misleading''' edit summaries (and now section headings too). " Jedi3 doesn't explain where it is from. I never made any misleading edit summaries unlike DanielTom's claims. i had [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:India&diff=prev&oldid=2374484 plainly explained] it was "vandalism" by Jedi3 at [[Talk:India]]. I [[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:India&diff=prev&oldid=2374502 explained clearly Jedi3's issues were not related] to [[Talk:India]] and he was not discussing where the quotes were removed from. * '''"it certainly IS censorship to ATTEMPT to allow ONLY one side to a discussion "''' Will Jedi3 say it is Kalki claiming so about me removing his unrelated vandal comments at [[Talk:India]] which had nothing to do with [[India]]. I had even [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:India&diff=prev&oldid=2374929 explained this to him in my only revert of his] unlike jedi3 who still edit-wars after being warned or blocked. And I have repatedly said I don't remove any quote I found notable: "While Jedi3 keeps claiming censorship, he knows I've checked many of his recent edits on other articles where we don't have any issues. I've mostly removed quotes from his older articles. But even there I've let some of his quotes remain there. That's because on any article whenever I've found his quotes are really memorable and notable, I have not removed them." * Also after he failed to prove his quotes as notable, he keeps on falsely calling them eloquent, poignant, witty, pithy etc despite me already [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:Somnath_temple&diff=2356320&oldid=2356319 explaining] to him at [[Talk:Somnath temple]] as well as [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:Aurangzeb&diff=2370038&oldid=2369457 talk:Aurangzeb] that his quotes aren't even near to what he claims. This is aside from the fact that especially a user merely calling something as notable or poignant or witty doesn't make it notable. But then again he doesn't even care about the dictionary meaning of the words he's talking about. From Oxford dictionary Poignant - "evoking a keen sense of sadness or regret". Witty - "showing or characterized by quick and inventive verbal humor." Anyone who reads a dictionary can understand he's making it up about any of his edits being eloquent, poignant or witty etc. yet he makes the same claim at [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:India&diff=2375299&oldid=2375291 Talk:India] yet again despite already being made aware his quotes are not near what he's falsely claiming them to be. *All policies say this website is about notable quotes. [[Wikiquote:Wikiquote]] - "Wikiquote is an accurate and comprehensive collection of notable quotations." Note it doesn't say simply sourced. [[WQ:Q#Notability of author or work factor]] - "Notability of the author is not required for a quote to be included in a page on a theme. It is the quote itself that must be notable." [[Template:Fame]] - "Thank you for your effort to contribute to our project, but Wikiquote exists for the collecting of notable quotations of famous people and famous works, not for the posting of quotations of people not yet famous in some field." Yet he keeps on [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:India&diff=2375282&oldid=2375281 using the notability of author] to say it should be included, despite [[WQ:Q]] saying "With regards to quotes about people, notability of a person as the subject of quote can be even more difficult to quantify, but it is clear that a person may be notable as a subject, even if that person has said nothing quotable." Not to mention the quote itself being notable criteria mentioned by it as well. Jedi3 needs to be blocked for his constant disruption, caring for nothing except POV-pushing at all costs even if becomes disruptive, bad faith edits and accusations as well as false claims. [[User:MonsterHunter32|MonsterHunter32]] ([[User talk:MonsterHunter32|talk]]) 06:43, 27 March 2018 (UTC) == Request for adminship == https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Requests_for_adminship#Just_A_Regular_New_Yorker_(talk_%C2%B7_contributions) - [[User:Just A Regular New Yorker|J.A.R.N.Y.]]|[[User talk:Just A Regular New Yorker|🗣]] 22:09, 1 June 2018 (UTC) == Request for Info/Assistance == Illegitimate Barrister: I recently made a few changes to the Charles Krauthammer page; if you can find the time, I would appreciate your advice on one of these changes. I was trying to code a link to the "Stein's Law" section of the Herbert Stein page; the link works (in the sense that if you click on it, it takes you to the Herbert Stein page), but I thought that the link as I coded it would take you to the "Stein's Law" section of that page, which it does not do. I should confess that I seldom attempt to include these links because of my limited knowledge in this area. If you could take a look at this recent change and tell me what I'm doing wrong, or direct me to a guideline for coding these links, I would be very grateful. P.s. congrats on your adminship (I've been away from Wikiquote for a while). [[User:CononOfSamos|CononOfSamos]] ([[User talk:CononOfSamos|talk]]) 21:02, 23 June 2018 (UTC) :Thanks. I think it should be working properly now. Might have been the apostrophe that was causing it not to work. &ndash; <font face="Georgia">'''''[[User:Illegitimate Barrister|Illegitimate Barrister]]'''''</font> ([[User talk:Illegitimate Barrister|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Illegitimate_Barrister|contribs]]) 05:42, 24 June 2018 (UTC) ==You seem to be online== Mind taking care of [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User:IreneYates2&curid=209257&action=history this]? [[User:GreenMeansGo|<span style="font-family:Impact"><span style="color:#07CB4B">G</span><span style="color:#449351">M</span><span style="color:#35683d">G</span></span>]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|<sup style="color:#000;font-family:Impact">talk</sup>]] 20:27, 18 September 2018 (UTC) == Deletion and blocking == Hello. There’s a few IP’s that make unnecessary redirects to [[Profanity]]. It’s all one person; they’ve been doing the same on my home wiki until I blocked them a few weeks ago. I’ll request that you check [[:Category:Candidates for speedy deletion]] and delete the redirects, and that you consider blocking the IP’s. Thank you, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 14:15, 29 October 2018 (UTC) :Looks like it's already been taken care of by somebody else. &ndash; <font face="Georgia">'''''[[User:Illegitimate Barrister|Illegitimate Barrister]]'''''</font> ([[User talk:Illegitimate Barrister|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Illegitimate_Barrister|contribs]]) 19:59, 29 October 2018 (UTC) == Please see the Georgia talk page == Thanks :Commiserations on the belated response, but I removed your quotes because they were not notable. The people who made them had no corresponding Wikipedia article and on top of that their quotes were not quoted in any third party source. &ndash; <font face="Georgia">'''''[[User:Illegitimate Barrister|Illegitimate Barrister]]'''''</font> ([[User talk:Illegitimate Barrister|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Illegitimate_Barrister|contribs]]) 12:09, 14 January 2019 (UTC) == vfd == Hiǃ I'd appreciate Your opinion at vfd-voting of [[Most notable people]].--[[User:Risto hot sir|Risto hot sir]] ([[User talk:Risto hot sir|talk]]) 11:27, 14 January 2019 (UTC) :Looks like the consensus is clear, I'm afraid. My vote wouldn't do much, unfortunately. &ndash; <font face="Georgia">'''''[[User:Illegitimate Barrister|Illegitimate Barrister]]'''''</font> ([[User talk:Illegitimate Barrister|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Illegitimate_Barrister|contribs]]) 12:06, 14 January 2019 (UTC) == People by thing == Well, we now have Europeans as the only continental grouping not in [[:Category:People by nationality]], and [[:Category:Britons]] as the only category not under a continental grouping, out of several dozen national groupings. [[User:GreenMeansGo|<span style="font-family:Impact"><span style="color:#07CB4B">G</span><span style="color:#449351">M</span><span style="color:#35683d">G</span></span>]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|<sup style="color:#000;font-family:Impact">talk</sup>]] 11:57, 26 January 2019 (UTC) :<s>I think we should create another subcategory; "People by continent" or something of that nature. Or maybe "People by ethnicity" is sufficient enough, I dunno. &ndash; <font face="Georgia">'''''[[User:Illegitimate Barrister|Illegitimate Barrister]]'''''</font> ([[User talk:Illegitimate Barrister|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Illegitimate_Barrister|contribs]]) 11:58, 26 January 2019 (UTC)</s> :I've gone ahead and more or less standardized the relevant categories. If I missed one, lemme know. &ndash; <font face="Georgia">'''''[[User:Illegitimate Barrister|Illegitimate Barrister]]'''''</font> ([[User talk:Illegitimate Barrister|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Illegitimate_Barrister|contribs]]) 12:13, 26 January 2019 (UTC) ::Umm...well these are still primarily treated as nation-state categories. They include things like [[:Category:Immigrants to the United Kingdom]], which is definitely not about ethnicity. And [[:Category:German Jews]], which definitely is about ethnicity. They also tie into categories like [[:Category:People by country by occupation]]. They're treated as a combination of "person, related to this place" ([[:Wikidata:Q19660746]]) and "nationality" ([[:Wikidata:Q231002]]), and not really treated as a function of "ethnic group" ([[:Wikidata:Q41710]]). ::If we want to make a parallel system for ethnicity, as we have with Jews, [[:Category:First Nations people]], or [[:Category:Native Americans]], then that's fine, but something like the category for Germans includes anyone closely associated with the nation of Germany, and doesn't really have anything to do with whether they are ethnically German. If it did, it would include large amounts of people with little or no association to Germany, such as [[:w:Category:People of German descent]]. [[User:GreenMeansGo|<span style="font-family:Impact"><span style="color:#07CB4B">G</span><span style="color:#449351">M</span><span style="color:#35683d">G</span></span>]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|<sup style="color:#000;font-family:Impact">talk</sup>]] 12:27, 26 January 2019 (UTC) :::Alright, I've removed those. &ndash; <font face="Georgia">'''''[[User:Illegitimate Barrister|Illegitimate Barrister]]'''''</font> ([[User talk:Illegitimate Barrister|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Illegitimate_Barrister|contribs]]) 12:30, 26 January 2019 (UTC) ::::You may also be interested in weighing in on [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Village_pump#Demonyms_in_category_names this discussion] where I've suggested renovating the whole system in a way more similar to Commons so this kind of thing is more immediately clear. [[User:GreenMeansGo|<span style="font-family:Impact"><span style="color:#07CB4B">G</span><span style="color:#449351">M</span><span style="color:#35683d">G</span></span>]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|<sup style="color:#000;font-family:Impact">talk</sup>]] 12:54, 26 January 2019 (UTC) :::::Makes sense. I prefer the "People of XYZ" over the adjectival forms. &ndash; <font face="Georgia">'''''[[User:Illegitimate Barrister|Illegitimate Barrister]]'''''</font> ([[User talk:Illegitimate Barrister|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Illegitimate_Barrister|contribs]]) 12:55, 26 January 2019 (UTC) == Macedonia == Huhǃ This subject is really fire and gasolineǃ All links from Wikipedia have been reverted. We have Finnish and Swedish Bothnia, Finnish and Swedish Lapland plus Finnish and Russian Carelia, but it's no problem.--[[User:Risto hot sir|Risto hot sir]] ([[User talk:Risto hot sir|talk]]) 19:50, 31 January 2019 (UTC) - Have you noticed this? [[:w:Wikipedia talk:External links]]--[[User:Risto hot sir|Risto hot sir]] ([[User talk:Risto hot sir|talk]]) 22:05, 31 January 2019 (UTC) :I'm confused as to what's going on. What exactly is going on here? &ndash; <font face="Georgia">'''''[[User:Illegitimate Barrister|Illegitimate Barrister]]'''''</font> ([[User talk:Illegitimate Barrister|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Illegitimate_Barrister|contribs]]) 22:07, 31 January 2019 (UTC) ::It's peaceful here - but not at Wikipedia. Just check the link aboveǃ--[[User:Risto hot sir|Risto hot sir]] ([[User talk:Risto hot sir|talk]]) 22:39, 31 January 2019 (UTC) - Hiǃ The link at Wikipedia was reverted again. Why is this the only language that hasn't a link?--[[User:Risto hot sir|Risto hot sir]] ([[User talk:Risto hot sir|talk]]) 19:57, 15 February 2019 (UTC) :::{{Ping|Risto hot sir}} Alrightey, then. I'll go head on over there and check it out. &ndash; <font face="Georgia">'''''[[User:Illegitimate Barrister|Illegitimate Barrister]]'''''</font> ([[User talk:Illegitimate Barrister|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Illegitimate_Barrister|contribs]]) 04:10, 16 February 2019 (UTC) ::::{{Ping|Risto hot sir}} Okay, after some brief digging, I think I'm starting to see what's going on here. From the looks of it, it seems that they removed the links because the Wikiquote pages in question that they link to have mostly quotes of low quality. Which, I can see their point, as to be honest, they kinda are, since most of the quotes seem to have been compiled by Greek ultra-nationalists with a POV to push from what I could gather, with many other such quotes being un-notable (e.g. un-notable and/or from un-notable nobodies). The best thing to do would be to clean up the page, removing un-notable quotes and such and/or adding good notable ones in their place. Maybe that will change their minds over on English Wikipedia. YMHAOS, &ndash; <font face="Georgia">'''''[[User:Illegitimate Barrister|Illegitimate Barrister]]'''''</font> ([[User talk:Illegitimate Barrister|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Illegitimate_Barrister|contribs]]) 04:16, 16 February 2019 (UTC) == IP vandals... == A bunch of IP addresses constantly bully admins such as Kalki, UDScott, and Tegel, and vandalize the Administrators' noticeboard‎ without explanation or remorse. No matter how many we block, another IP with the same MO continues where it left off. I request permanent protection of all pages they vandalized, including all talk pages (including yours, just in case). But something has to be done to stop that vandal permanently. [[User:WikiLubber|WikiLubber]] ([[User talk:WikiLubber|talk]]) 12:47, 12 May 2019 (UTC) == Lord and Outcast (person) == On the pages [[Lord]] and [[Outcast (person)]], Rupert is adding the link {{w|3rd millennium BCE}}. I disagree with this because {{w|3rd millennium BCE}} redirects to {{w|3rd millennium BC}}, and despite my saying this in the edit summary Rupert continues to revert it. Could you weigh in on this? :same also with [[Righteousness]] ::If it redirects properly then there's nothing necessarily wrong with it; this ordeal seems to be more a matter of taste than anything. &ndash; <font face="Georgia">'''''[[User:Illegitimate Barrister|Illegitimate Barrister]]'''''</font> ([[User talk:Illegitimate Barrister|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Illegitimate_Barrister|contribs]]) 21:32, 4 August 2019 (UTC) == How we will see unregistered users == <section begin=content/> Hi! You get this message because you are an admin on a Wikimedia wiki. When someone edits a Wikimedia wiki without being logged in today, we show their IP address. As you may already know, we will not be able to do this in the future. This is a decision by the Wikimedia Foundation Legal department, because norms and regulations for privacy online have changed. Instead of the IP we will show a masked identity. You as an admin '''will still be able to access the IP'''. There will also be a new user right for those who need to see the full IPs of unregistered users to fight vandalism, harassment and spam without being admins. Patrollers will also see part of the IP even without this user right. We are also working on [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation/Improving tools|better tools]] to help. If you have not seen it before, you can [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|read more on Meta]]. If you want to make sure you don’t miss technical changes on the Wikimedia wikis, you can [[m:Global message delivery/Targets/Tech ambassadors|subscribe]] to [[m:Tech/News|the weekly technical newsletter]]. We have [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation#IP Masking Implementation Approaches (FAQ)|two suggested ways]] this identity could work. '''We would appreciate your feedback''' on which way you think would work best for you and your wiki, now and in the future. You can [[m:Talk:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|let us know on the talk page]]. You can write in your language. The suggestions were posted in October and we will decide after 17 January. Thank you. /[[m:User:Johan (WMF)|Johan (WMF)]]<section end=content/> 18:14, 4 January 2022 (UTC) <!-- Message sent by User:Johan (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=User:Johan_(WMF)/Target_lists/Admins2022(3)&oldid=22532499 --> == Formatting == {{formatting|Russians|signature=[[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 17:08, 9 May 2022 (UTC)}} == Username change request == Could you change your username to "Illegitimate Barnstar," I was thought that's what it said, until I realized what it actually says now, I think "Illegitimate Barnstar" makes a lot more sense in relation to the wiki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:09, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :Not sure how I'd do that. &ndash; <font face="Georgia">'''''[[User:Illegitimate Barrister|Illegitimate Barrister]]'''''</font> ([[User talk:Illegitimate Barrister|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Illegitimate_Barrister|contribs]]) 23:37, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::You could either change your username, [[w:Wikipedia:Changing username|information here]]. Or if you don't want to do that, you could just change your signature by going [[Special:preferences|here]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:47, 28 June 2022 (UTC) &ndash; <font face="Georgia">'''''[[User:Illegitimate Barrister|Illegitimate Barrister]]'''''</font> ([[User talk:Illegitimate Barrister|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Illegitimate_Barrister|contribs]]) 17:43, 25 August 2022 (UTC) ndmo9onwh6hjrdap2bpk96kqsfr6lph 0 197092 3158113 3024666 2022-08-26T11:26:58Z Sebastian Wallroth 40249 Elgin Baylor Night program-(cropped).jpg wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Elgin Baylor Night program-(cropped).jpg|thumb|upright=0.8|The cover of the Los Angeles Lakers program for "Elgin Baylor Night" on March 21, 1969]] '''[[w:Elgin Baylor|Elgin Gay Baylor]]''' (born September 16, 1934 – March 22, 2021) was a basketball player and later head coach. Widely considered one of the greatest players of all time, Baylor was an 11-time All Star. {{sport-stub}} ==Quotes about== *"He was one of the most spectacular shooters the game has ever known. I hear people talking about forwards today and I haven't seen many that can compare with him." **—basketball legend [[Jerry West]], told to ''Hoop'' in 1992, quoted in {{citation|title=100 Greatest Basketball Players of All Time |publisher=Pocket Books |date=1997-06-01 |last=Sachare |first=Alex |isbn=0671011685 |p=12}} *"I say without reservation that Elgin Baylor is the greatest corner man to have ever played professional basketball." **—Former [[Los Angeles Lakers]] coach [[Fred Schaus]], who coached Baylor, in 1971 **{{cite news|title=Elgin Baylor will retire|date=November 5, 1971|newspaper=Southern Illinoisan|agency=Associated Press|page=12|url=https://www.newspapers.com/clip/22083800}} *[[Tommy Hawkins]], Baylor's teammate for six seasons and opponent for four (and later a basketball broadcaster) declared to the ''[[San Francisco Examiner]]'' that "[P]ound for pound, no one was ever as great as Elgin Baylor." He also said, "Elgin certainly didn't jump as high as [[Michael Jordan]]. But he had the greatest variety of shots of anyone. He would take it in and hang and shoot from all these angles. Put spin on the ball. Elgin had incredible strength. He could post up [[Bill Russell]]. He could pass like [[Magic Johnson|Magic]] and dribble with the best guards in the league." {{source}} ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{Wikidata|Q357458}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Baylor, Elgin}} [[Category:Basketball players from the United States]] [[Category:Basketball coaches]] [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:1934 births]] [[Category:2021 deaths]] [[Category:People from Washington, D.C.]] ctqfo1ltzdcat9u58at324xivm8u6h8 0 197286 3157993 3157184 2022-08-25T23:09:39Z 2001:8F8:1B2F:AB8A:18F7:1861:80E:5773 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:A$AP Rocky 2013 August 2.jpg|thumb|{{w|[https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/asap-rocky/l-d.htmlASAP Rocky]}}]] '''[[w:ASAP Rocky|Rakim Mayers]]''' (born [[October 3]], [[1988]]), better known by his stage name '''A$AP Rocky''', is an American [[w:Rapping|rapper]], record producer, director, actor and model from {{w|Harlem}}, [[New York City|New York]]. He is a member of the [[hip hop]] group [[w:ASAP Mob|A$AP Mob]], from which he adopted his moniker. {{musician-stub}} == Quotes == * You gotta go do research on the way they treat like fucking [[chickens]], man. Those chickens go through fucking torture before they’re processed and shit, have all sorts of fucking steroids injected in them and everything. ** Interview with ''Rap Industry Fan Fiction''; quoted in [https://www.vibe.com/2012/02/five-things-you-probably-didnt-catch-about-aap-rocky/screenshot20120223at3-01-18pm/ “Five Things You Probably Didn't Catch About A$AP Rocky – 3. A$AP is a Vegetarian”, in ''Vibe'' (23 February 2012)]. == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Rocky, ASAP}} [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:Musicians from the United States]] [[Category:1988 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from New York City]] [[Category:Rappers from the United States]] [[Category:Record producers from the United States]] [[Category:Vegetarians]] 1s0l83yhpfgwekkcko0pqnm8ypdxvsn 3157994 3157993 2022-08-25T23:10:49Z 2001:8F8:1B2F:AB8A:18F7:1861:80E:5773 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:A$AP Rocky 2013 August 2.jpg|thumb|{{w|<a href"https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/asap-rocky/l-d.html">ASAP Rocky</a>}}]] '''[[w:ASAP Rocky|Rakim Mayers]]''' (born [[October 3]], [[1988]]), better known by his stage name '''A$AP Rocky''', is an American [[w:Rapping|rapper]], record producer, director, actor and model from {{w|Harlem}}, [[New York City|New York]]. He is a member of the [[hip hop]] group [[w:ASAP Mob|A$AP Mob]], from which he adopted his moniker. {{musician-stub}} == Quotes == * You gotta go do research on the way they treat like fucking [[chickens]], man. Those chickens go through fucking torture before they’re processed and shit, have all sorts of fucking steroids injected in them and everything. ** Interview with ''Rap Industry Fan Fiction''; quoted in [https://www.vibe.com/2012/02/five-things-you-probably-didnt-catch-about-aap-rocky/screenshot20120223at3-01-18pm/ “Five Things You Probably Didn't Catch About A$AP Rocky – 3. A$AP is a Vegetarian”, in ''Vibe'' (23 February 2012)]. == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Rocky, ASAP}} [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:Musicians from the United States]] [[Category:1988 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from New York City]] [[Category:Rappers from the United States]] [[Category:Record producers from the United States]] [[Category:Vegetarians]] fr0zwcl9684giycswbvxt6pxv2v7lwk 3157995 3157994 2022-08-25T23:11:55Z 2001:8F8:1B2F:AB8A:18F7:1861:80E:5773 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:A$AP Rocky 2013 August 2.jpg|thumb|{{w|ASAP Rocky</a>}}]] '''[[w:ASAP Rocky|Rakim Mayers]]''' (born [[October 3]], [[1988]]), better known by his stage name '''A$AP Rocky''', is an American [[w:Rapping|rapper]], record producer, director, actor and model from {{w|Harlem}}, [[New York City|New York]]. He is a member of the [[hip hop]] group [[w:ASAP Mob|A$AP Mob]], from which he adopted his moniker. {{musician-stub}} == Quotes == * You gotta go do research on the way they treat like fucking [[chickens]], man. Those chickens go through fucking torture before they’re processed and shit, have all sorts of fucking steroids injected in them and everything. ** Interview with ''Rap Industry Fan Fiction''; quoted in [https://www.vibe.com/2012/02/five-things-you-probably-didnt-catch-about-aap-rocky/screenshot20120223at3-01-18pm/ “Five Things You Probably Didn't Catch About A$AP Rocky – 3. A$AP is a Vegetarian”, in ''Vibe'' (23 February 2012)]. == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Rocky, ASAP}} [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:Musicians from the United States]] [[Category:1988 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from New York City]] [[Category:Rappers from the United States]] [[Category:Record producers from the United States]] [[Category:Vegetarians]] lbbzu0sn5cphivi1aws6sw82cqb8jn2 3158092 3157995 2022-08-26T06:41:14Z Spinoziano 304780 rb wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:A$AP Rocky 2013 August 2.jpg|thumb|{{w|ASAP Rocky}}]] '''[[w:ASAP Rocky|Rakim Mayers]]''' (born [[October 3]], [[1988]]), better known by his stage name '''A$AP Rocky''', is an American [[w:Rapping|rapper]], record producer, director, actor and model from {{w|Harlem}}, [[New York City|New York]]. He is a member of the [[hip hop]] group [[w:ASAP Mob|A$AP Mob]], from which he adopted his moniker. {{musician-stub}} == Quotes == * You gotta go do research on the way they treat like fucking [[chickens]], man. Those chickens go through fucking torture before they’re processed and shit, have all sorts of fucking steroids injected in them and everything. ** Interview with ''Rap Industry Fan Fiction''; quoted in [https://www.vibe.com/2012/02/five-things-you-probably-didnt-catch-about-aap-rocky/screenshot20120223at3-01-18pm/ “Five Things You Probably Didn't Catch About A$AP Rocky – 3. A$AP is a Vegetarian”, in ''Vibe'' (23 February 2012)]. == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Rocky, ASAP}} [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:Musicians from the United States]] [[Category:1988 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from New York City]] [[Category:Rappers from the United States]] [[Category:Record producers from the United States]] [[Category:Vegetarians]] d37k8ldf3k6gcqcfh6gqa2i150llvbw 0 205675 3157978 3156493 2022-08-25T22:39:48Z Yoshi876 2029097 /* Shop Till You Drop [7.10] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[CSI: NY (season 1)|1]] [[CSI: NY (season 2)|2]] [[CSI: NY (season 3)|3]] [[CSI: NY (season 4)|4]] [[CSI: NY (season 5)|5]] [[CSI: NY (season 6)|6]] [[CSI: NY (season 7)|7]] [[CSI: NY (season 8)|8]] [[CSI: NY (season 9)|9]] | [[CSI: NY|'''Main''']] ---- '''''[[w:CSI: NY|CSI: NY]]''''' ([[September]] [[2004]] – [[February]] [[2013]]) is an American police procedural television series set in New York City. It is a spinoff of ''[[CSI: Crime Scene Investigation]]'' and ''[[CSI: Miami]]''. === ''The 34th Floor'' [7.01] === :'''Jo Danville''': I guess I was under the impression the NY Crime Lab was BYOB. ''[Danny and Sheldon look confused]''. Bring your own body. ''[Boys laugh]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jo Danville''': ''[about finding the dead girl upon her arrival at the crime lab]'' My first thought was, "It's a practical joke. You know? Welcome to the New York Crime Lab." :'''Mac Taylor''': We usually sabotage a pair of latex gloves or have a tech pose as a dead body in autopsy, then suddenly pop to life, but murder? Not our style. :'''Jo Danville''': Good to know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Danny Messer''': ''[joining Lindsay on the roof]'' Thought I'd find you up here. Is this your new spot? :'''Lindsay Monroe''': Did I have an old one? :'''Danny Messer''': ''[hugging her]'' Yes, you did... right here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Adam''': Hello Josephine. :'''Jo''': Jo. :'''Adam''': Huh, really? It's not what it says in your file. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jo Danville''': I'm not breaking any rules. I'm trying to create new ones. === ''Unfriendly Chat'' [7.02] === :'''Don Flack''': We don't know who our killer is. We don't know who our victim is. :'''Jo Danville''': And our crime scene could be anywhere in the world. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Adam Ross''': I feel like I've forgotten everything, like I-I can't remember any of the details. :'''Jo Danville''': Well, that's not uncommon, when the brain experiences trauma. Sometimes it locks up. But not to worry, cause I always carry a spare set of keys. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jo Danville''' [to Adam]: You're being ridiculous. :'''Adam Ross''': What? :'''Jo Danville''': You deal with death every day. This case is no different. Man up. :'''Adam Ross''': Are you kidding me? Jo, I saw this girl alive. She's not just another dead body on the slab to me. Oh, no, did you just do that so I'd spill my guts? Oh, damn it! :'''Jo Danville''': Sorry, Adam. You can't keep your feelings bottled up. Contents may explode under pressure. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lindsay Monroe''': We did find Sass Dumonde's dead body. :'''Danny Messer''': According to the university, she was in your class last semester. :'''Lindsay Monroe''': We found her strangled to death with your fancy headphones. :'''Danny Messer''': (whistles) That's pretty harsh. I mean, I failed Calculus, but my teacher didn't kill me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Adam Ross''': I shared the final moments of Sass Dumonde's life. I, I... I heard her music. I... I saw her joy. I-I... maybe even fell in love a little. And then, three minutes later, it was... it was just over. :'''Jo Danville''': When you cross paths with people like that, it's hard not to stop in your tracks. But believe me when I tell you... none of what you're doing now will bring her back. It will only bring you down. :'''Adam Ross''': What do I do now, though? :'''Jo Danville''': Go home. Go to bed. Come back in the morning ready to do what's right. === ''Damned If You Do'' [7.03] === :'''Danny Messer''' [to Lindsay]: Remember what I said about having a son? :'''Lindsay Monroe''': Yeah. :'''Danny Messer''': Never mind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jules Roday''': He didn't do it. He doesn't have it in him to do something like this. :'''Don Flack''': Okay, Jules, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Everyone has it in them to do something like this. Everyone. :'''Jules Roday''': No. Not Billy. :'''Don Flack''': How long have you been going out? :'''Jules Roday''': Five months. :'''Don Flack''': Five months? I usually like to wait at least six months before I can attest to somebody's lack of homicidal tendencies. :'''Jules Roday''': You're kind of a bitch, you know that? :''[Flack smiles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jo Danville''': So from about 8:00 to 11:00, I'm just supposed to take your word for it that you were in your room? And the only person who can account for your whereabouts earlier that day is your girlfriend ''[starts writing down]'' :'''Billy Travers''': What are you doing? :'''Jo Danville''': Math. Because you're not man enough to admit what you did. Now I gotta do Math. I hate Math. Half hour by train to get to your parents' place. 25 minutes to stand outside and build the courage to kill them. Another 40 minutes inside to do the deed and change your clothes. 15 minutes to puke and then find a place to ditch the bloody clothes. Another half hour to travel to your room ''[she sums up]'' Five... ten... carry one... two hours and 20 minutes, give or take. Plenty of time for you to commit the murder and get back to your room. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sid Hammerback''': The human skull is composed of one of the most durable substances found in nature. It takes approximately one ton to reduce the diameter of the skull by one centimeter. Unfortunately for Walter Travers, when you get whacked in the head multiple times with a blunt-force object, that doesn't mean a whole lot. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Don Flack''': ''[sitting in the sidewalk]'' I can just picture Manny Ravarra, sitting the cafeteria with a stupid grin on his face, eating a bologna sandwich, gloating to the other inmates how two mope detectives are knee-deep in crap for absolutely no reason. :'''Danny Messer''': ''[coming out of the sewer]'' Actually, I only see one mope detective down here. You want to join me? :'''Don Flack''': I don't do sewers. It's like he said... he's doing life, he's got nothing to lose, so why not jerk us around? === ''Sangre por Sangre'' [7.04] === :'''Jo Danville''': Torres' death leaves a void at the top of his crew, so I thought I'd look at his replacements might be able to avoid a street war if we can talk to them. So I'm gathering this as I go. Seems, Torres was the face of this crew, but Lisa Brigosa... she's the brains and Rick Devarro is the street muscle. Although, given his penchant for getting arrested, Rick's not too bright. :'''Mac Taylor''': There's one other. Luther Devarro. :'''Jo Danville''': Any relation to Rick? :'''Mac Taylor''': His older brother. Founder of El Puño, but more of an advisor at this stage of his career. I helped put him away 15 years ago. He was released last week. :'''Jo Danville''': Gasoline on the fire. :'''Mac Taylor''': It's one thing to be a street guy, another to be smart. But it's dangerous when both those qualities are embodied in one person. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Luther Devarro''': ''[about Mac]'' Fernando. Take a look at this man. If you're ever stupid enough to get arrested, this is the guy you want to put the handcuffs on. He's a fair man. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mac Taylor''' ''[to Luther Devarro]'': I want to know if I'm gonna have a problem with your crew. :'''Luther Devarro''': This your way of paying condolences? Last time I checked, it was one of my men who had holes burned into him. :'''Mac Taylor''': And killing more people is going to make it right? :'''Luther Devarro''': What's the alternative, turn it over to the NYPD? Cops like to see us as defendants or, better yet, deceased. :'''Mac Taylor''': Doesn't have to be that way. :'''Luther Devarro''': I didn't make the rules. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mac Taylor''' ''[to Luther Devarro]'': You want to teach the next generation? You tell them revenge lands them in prison or a grave. You're a man of intelligence. Reason with them. :'''Luther Devarro''': Men can reason all they want. Machines got minds of their own. :'''Mac Taylor''': I want your assurance that this is not the beginning of a war. :'''Luther Devarro''': I hear your concern but I can't make that assurance. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Luther Devarro''': I never intended to save the world but somebody had to be held accountable. Those that made the same promise I did. Promise to protect the neighbourhood, not to eat it alive. To defend it, not to become the worst threat it had ever known. :'''Mac Taylor''': Now you've caused even more bloodshed. Killing people won't solve it. We're fighting the same fight. Why didn't you come to me? We could have taken them down together. :'''Luther Devarro''': Because old habits die hard, and we're different kind of people. I gain closure here, Detective, in the spirit of what I created. I have no other choice. It all ends here. Tonight. === ''Out of the Sky'' [7.05] === :'''Lindsay Monroe''': Our robbers are wearing the very latest in B & E chic. This season no heist is complete without these little beauties. :''[Lindsay is wearing button size LEDs that make her head appear unidentifiable on the screen as it's covered by a bright light]'' :'''Lindsay Monroe''': I'm walking... I'm walking... I'm walking. I'm busting the safe, I'm making my escape. :'''Jo Danville''': A must-have for the fashion forward felon. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Adam Ross''': What would you do? :'''Danny Messer''': What would I do what? :'''Adam Ross''': You know, if you found millions of dollars of gems in the street? :'''Danny Messer''': Give 'em back. :'''Adam Ross''': Oh, come on, guy. You wouldn't keep some? :'''Danny Messer''': Why, would you? :'''Adam Ross''': No, no, no, I... I'd give 'em back. Mostly... I mean... maybe keep one or two. :'''Danny Messer''': Know what happens to people that take things that don't belong to them, right? :'''Adam Ross''': No. :'''Danny Messer''': Other people are getting hurt. Doc! Come here, we got an ethical debate going on, and Adam's failing miserably. What do you do if you come across a fortune of precious gems that don't belong to you? :'''Sheldon Hawkes''': I'd give them to the guy with the knife to my throat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Don Flack''': What about the bag? :'''Arnold Vonley''': Man, I'm a specialist. Strictly cash and jewelry only. I'm not risking my life for some sweaty gym socks. :'''Don Flack''': How much did you get away with? :'''Arnold Vonley''': 20 bucks. Plus the watch. Probably like 80 bucks, total. :'''Don Flack''': I'm gonna be honest with you, Arnold. You're probably the dumbest mugger I've ever met. :'''Arnold Vonley''': Why? What was in the bag? :'''Don Flack''': Five million dollars. Those were some valuable gym socks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Adam Ross''': It's got all the auditory markers of an ass dial. You know, when your phone's in your back pocket and you make a call that you don't even know you're making. For instance, okay... my ass dialled my girlfriend once when I was out at a bar with some friends. Left, like, a 15-minute message, you know? I mean, it would've been really funny, except we were talking about her the whole time, and... :'''Mac Taylor''': That's how she became your ex-girlfriend? :'''Adam Ross''': Well... yeah. :'''Mac Taylor''': Clear out the ambient sound, see if there's anything useful underneath, and call me when you got something. With your fingers, not your ass. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Roland Carson''': ''[to Mac]'' This must be the highlight of your career, Detective... going after me. :'''Mac Taylor''': It's not even an honourable mention. === ''Do Not Pass Go'' [7.06] === :'''Danny Messer''': Rooftop is clean. If there was ever trace up here, Mother Nature did not want us to find it. :'''Lindsay Monroe''': What about the stairwell? :'''Danny Messer''': It's my next stop. :'''Lindsay Monroe''': You want help? :'''Danny Messer''': Uh, well, with 738 stairs, I think I'm good. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jo Danville''': What's with the car? :'''Don Flack''': The original architect had a thing for big-boy toys and drag racing. Been up here 40 years. :'''Mac Taylor''': I had daydreams of owning one well into my 20s. :'''Jo Danville''': I'm assuming yours didn't come standard with a dead body. :'''Mac Taylor''': That wasn't even an option. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Don Flack''': Mrs. Anderson... we're going to find the guy who murdered your son. :'''Mrs. Anderson''': That's not going to bring him back, is it? I'm sorry. :'''Don Flack''': It's going to take time. :'''Mrs. Anderson''': I don't know the right way to act around people, what to say to them. :'''Don Flack''': No right way to act. Children aren't supposed to die. :'''Mrs. Anderson''': I would like to see him, Detective. :'''Don Flack''': All due respect, I don't think that's a good idea. That's not how you want to remember him. :'''Mrs. Anderson''': Then, how do I say good-bye? :'''Don Flack''': You don't. Not where it counts. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mac Taylor''': So how'd your negotiation go yesterday? :'''Jo Danville''': Negotiation? :'''Mac Taylor''': Your daughter seems rather determined to vacate New York City. :'''Jo Danville''': She can be a stubborn mule like her mama. Seldom shy about what she likes and doesn't like. :'''Mac Taylor''': Being thrown into the deep end is never easy. It helps to know there are people around that have your back. :'''Jo Danville''': Well, Ellie's a tough kid. She's going to be fine. :'''Mac Taylor''': I wasn't talking about Ellie. :'''Jo Danville''': Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jo Danville''': Ellie would've just ended up one of those innocent kids lost in a broken system. :'''Mac Taylor''': Well, bringing her into your family was a noble thing to do. :'''Jo Danville''': I didn't have any choice, Mac. She was love at first sight. She was so yummy. And if my son Tyler gave meaning to my life, Ellie just made it complete. It was the best decision I ever made in my life. === ''Hide Sight'' [7.07] === :'''Mac Taylor''': I received a memo from my superior officers just prior to calling this meeting. It reads as follows: 'There is no sniper.' Make no mistake about it. New York City has a sniper. And he's good. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mac Taylor''': Our hope is that this was an isolated incident and that the shooter will be in custody soon. I know that's what the brass wants the public to believe. What I don't know... what we can't know... is when or where the killer will strike again. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chief Ted Carver''' [to Mac]: Heard about your antics this morning. :'''Mac Taylor''': By antics, you mean telling the truth? :'''Chief Ted Carver''': Look, your own people is one thing. I trust you're not going to be tearing up any directives from above in front of the press. :'''Mac Taylor''': No, no. They were smart enough not to send me any paper this time. :'''Chief Ted Carver''': All right, wait, wait, listen. Neither of us is to utter the word sniper, is that clear? That's a direct order from Chief Sinclair to me. Now it is a direct order from me to you. Is that going to be a problem? :'''Mac Taylor''': They have a right to know. :'''Chief Ted Carver''': Why? So they can turn this into Son of Sam? So they can post this on their blogs? Harry Smith does a segment on the Early Show about the psychology of a sniper and then introduces a new song by Katy Perry? No. The public has a right to know what we tell them. :'''Mac Taylor''': I'm not going to lie for you or anyone else. :'''Chief Ted Carver''': Who said anything about lying? Mac, look, I walked the beat just like you did, all right? I know where you're coming from but there is a difference between lying and withholding a truth. :'''Mac Taylor''': I don't think there is. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Danny Messer''': How's he doing? :'''Sheldon Hawkes''': Well, doctor says he's fine. In fact, I hear he's already back at the office. They told him to take the rest of the week off, but you know Sid. :'''Danny Messer''': Right, right. I mean, he's not happy unless he's looking at dead things. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mac Taylor''': Michael had been missing for 72 hours when this case file came across my desk. He was on his way home from school when he was abducted. :'''Jo Danville''': Did you catch the guy? :'''Mac Taylor''': Took 3 years. Arthur Francis. Twice convicted sex offender. Whole time he was missing, we didn't know whether he was alive or dead. It was the first case I ever questioned which of those two options might be worse. :'''Jo Danville''': I'm sure his own parents asked themselves the same thing. :'''Mac Taylor''': At age 12, he finally managed to escape. Clawed his way through the floorboards to a crawl space. :'''Jo Danville''': I can't imagine that moment for a 12-year-old kid. It's heartbreaking. :'''Mac Taylor''': I went to see him a few times after he returned home. Made sure he was doing all right. He always wanted to wear my badge. He asked me if it was pure gold the first time he put it on. His brother Tom, too. I thought for sure one of those boys would become a cop. I tried to stay in touch with the family, but then another case came along, then another case and I lost touch. Now he's the primary suspect in a murder investigation. :'''Jo Danville''': Mac... there's only so much this job allows us to do. === ''Scared Stiff'' [7.08] === :'''Jo Danville''': No other prints to suggest she was being followed. :'''Don Flack''': No... If this was a chase or a blitz attack there'd be signs of a struggle somewhere. :'''Jo Danville''': I don't see it. :'''Don Flack''': Nope. So what, or who was she running from? :'''Sheldon Hawkes''': Ghosts. :''[Flack and Jo look at him disbelievingly]'' :'''Jo Danville''': ''[amused]'' Dr. Sheldon Hawkes, did I just hear you say ghosts? :'''Don Flack''': You did. Wanna know why? 'Cause that's what he said: Ghosts. :'''Sheldon Hawkes''': A lot of New Yorkers believe this part of the park is haunted. The lake just over there, for years rumor has it, two women have been seen skating figure eights, at night. Rosetta and Janice, sisters, died in the 1800s. Apparently they just glide above the ice, if you get too close they disappear. :'''Don Flack''': ''[amusedly scared]'' Shut up. :'''Sheldon Hawkes''': Yeah. Then there was that real estate guy that got gutted by the river just east of here. Oh, and Belvedere Castle, tons of people have heard disembodied voices, dispatch gets calls there all the time. :'''Don Flack''': Teenagers. Doing the nasty. :'''Sheldon Hawkes''': Go ahead, poke fun, but this area where we are, right now, some of the volunteers from the emergency medical unit won't even ride in here, they send me. I gotta be honest, there have been times when I felt something. :'''Jo Danville''': A presence? :'''Sheldon Hawkes''': I don't know. :'''Don Flack''': Doc, come on. You can't tell me, that in your well educated scientific mind, you don't have an explanation for paranormal activity. :'''Sheldon Hawkes''': OK, one night, I heard a woman screaming. I get off my bike, I run towards the sound, the screaming is getting louder and louder, but when I get to where she should've been: nothing. Nobody. :'''Jo Danville''': What do think it was? :'''Sheldon Hawkes''': I don't know. I don't have a rational explanation for what happened that night. Now, it could have been my mind playing tricks on me, or maybe it was the sound bouncing of the trees; but I felt something weird here, and judging by the looks of these shoeprints, maybe our Jane Doe felt something too. <hr width="50%"/> :''[phone rings]'' :'''Don Flack''': Flack. :'''Jo Danville''': ''[in a crypt creepers voice]'' We gotta go visit the dead. :'''Don Flack''': Work related I hope. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jo Danville''': This place is so creepy. But I guess, funeral home, what else would it be? :'''Don Flack''': How the hell does a funeral home go out of business? :'''Lindsay Monroe''': The owners died four years ago, the left the family business to the only son, Gordon, he closed up shop apparently, but I understand he still lives here. :'''Sheldon Hawkes''': No prints in the dust, no movement in the air. :'''Jo Danville''': Definitely doesn't look lived in. :'''Lindsay Monroe''': Or died in. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Don Flack''': This doesn't make any sense. This kid closed down the funeral home, but stayed in the embalming business. :'''Jo Danville''': He kept it open for personal use. ''[reviews crime scene]'' No signs of struggle. So Isabel was probably unconscious when he laid her out here. So what did he do from there? :'''Lindsay Monroe''': ''[opens door to closet]'' He dressed her. ''[takes out a dress]'' Vintage. Looks like it's from the fifties. :'''Don Flack''': Hey, if we come across a little old lady skeleton in a wig and a rocking chair down here, it's every man for himself. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lindsay Monroe''': So this guy can only relate to dead bodies. That's really sad. :'''Don Flack''': That's not the adjective I would use... === ''Justified'' [7.09] === :'''Mitch''': ...clothes on her back, food in her mouth, and she runs away? Huh?! That's how she repays me?! :'''Don Flack''': Settle down, Mother Theresa. === ''Shop Till You Drop'' [7.10] === :'''Danny Messer''': Yo Mac. :'''Mac Taylor''': Let me guess, she gave you a full confession, our job is done. :'''Don Flack''': Wouldn't that be nice. No, she still won't say a word. :'''Danny Messer''': But, something I found at the crime scene is speaking volumes. Piece of glass from one of those window lamps, actually had human flesh burnt into its surface. Got a hit in CODIS to a Pascal Denton. Now, he's StoneFields window display designer. :'''Don Flack''': Turns out, before he was a designer, he was a regular at Rikers. Did six months for assaulting a police officer. :'''Mac Taylor''': Any connection to the victim? :'''Danny Messer''': Well, we found his prints on a wrought iron branch used as the murder weapon, and on top of that Grossman fired him a week ago. :'''Mac Taylor''': Gives him motive. Still doesn't explain how Alena fits in. :'''Don Flack''': No, but this will. She and Pascal got engaged six months ago. :'''Mac Taylor''': So all this time we thought she was there alone with Grossman, maybe her fiancé was there too. === ''To What End?'' [7.11] === :''[Mac gets to the crime scene as Flack finished interrogating a witness/suspect, which are a lot of people dressed as clowns. Mac is amused]'' :'''Don Flack''': Don't say anything. It's just better of you don't say anything. :'''Mac Taylor''': the victim's inside? :'''Don Flack''': The owner. Gino Cressida, was his son's sixth birthday. Witness' just say a clown walked in a wasted him. :'''Mac Taylor''': And when you showed up, the arresting officers had these guys contained? ''[nodding to suspects]'' :'''Don Flack''': Yeah. Now, some of these costumes are way off, but they happen to match the description witnesses gave of the shooter they saw walk across the street and disappear down the alley. :'''Mac Taylor''': So one of these clowns might actually be our killer. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Don Flack''': ''[Interrogating Clown suspect]'' You squirt me with that thing, I will shoot you, right here in front of everybody, understand me? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Danny Messer''': ''[After talking about evidence]'' ok... one more thing, do you wear sneakers inside clown shoes? :'''Mac Taylor''': Are you seriously asking me that question? :'''Danny Messer''': What, no good? What the hell do I know about clowns? :'''Mac Taylor''': Look, I'm a bright man Danny, but I'm afraid I can help you with that one. ''[Jo arrives]'' :'''Jo Danville''': Hey. :'''Danny Messer''': Jo, do you wear sneakers inside clown shoes? :'''Jo Danville''': I don't know, I don't own any. :'''Danny Messer''': Clown shoes? :'''Jo Danville''': Sneakers. :'''Mac Taylor''': Danny, get out of here. ''[Danny laughs as he leaves]'' :'''Mac Taylor''': Get me some answers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Russ Josephson''': Hey, Mac seems like a nice guy. :'''Jo Danville''': He is. :'''Russ Josephson''': Any reason I should be jealous? :'''Jo Danville''': ''rolls eyes'' <hr width="50%"/> === ''Holding Cell'' [7.12] === :'''Danny Messer''': Inhaling your alcohol... I think I saw this in an episode of The Jetsons. :'''Don Flack''': I'm not a doctor, but that can't be good for you. :'''Danny Messer''': The vapor or the girl? :'''Don Flack''': Yeah... <hr width="50%"/> === ''Party Down'' [7.13] === :'''Mac Taylor''': What happened here Don? :'''Don Flack''': This was a truck party gone bad. It's the latest craze in afterhours entertainment. They convert tractor trailers into exclusive nightclubs. Times and locations are spread among the social networks. :'''Mac Taylor''': I'm assming this one didn't start at the bottom of the Hudson? :'''Jo Danville''': I thought the truck was not supposed to move once the party started. :'''Don Flack''': It's not. :'''Mac Taylor''': So who moved it? :'''Don Flack''': Couple cabbies nearly got runover, but they didn't get a good look of the drivers face. They did say that he accelerated through the fence. The abscence of skid marks confirms that there was no breaking. :'''Mac Taylor''': Driver could've drowned. Or still be among the survivors. :'''Jo Danville''': we have divers in the water looking for more bodies and the others are being transported to the precint for questioning. :'''Don Flack''': My guess; driver saw that river coming, jumped before splash down, then got the hell out of dodge. :'''Mac Taylor''': Either way, looks like crashing this party wasn't an accident. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Don Flack''': ''( Sees half naked woman in the body painting studio.)''Are you free for something tonight? :'''Jo Danville''':''( Pulls Flack out from the room.)'' Flack, go! === ''Smooth Criminal'' [7.14] === :'''Don Flack''': Guess who walks out? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jo Danville''': Sounds like the punch line to a bad joke, professional killer, and ex-con walk into a bar. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mac Taylor''': Three dead bodies isn't the kind of buzz you want. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lindsay Monroe''': Wanna know the secret to bad medicine? Soap scum. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Don Flack''': So, Camille Jordanson wasn't just stealing meds. She was also giving them fake meds in return. Pun intended: That's pretty sick. === ''Vigilante'' [7.15] === :'''Annie Cartland''': I got what the system couldn't. Justice. :'''Mac Taylor''': What you got was retribution. :'''Annie Cartland''': Aren't they the same thing? :'''Mac Taylor''': Not even close. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lindsay Monroe''': How do you follow the law and stay a human being? :'''Jo Danville''': That's the hard part, because the piece of me- if that was my daughter- that wanted him dead I have to put in a box. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kate Price''': you know why I remember you, Lindsey? The day that we met at group, before you and me spoke. You kept checking your watch. You just couldn't wait to get out of there. I don't blame you. It wasn't like we wanted to be there either. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Danny Messer''': I have to say, whoever these women are, I admire their determination. :'''Jo Danville''': You think they did the right thing? :'''Danny Messer''': Eh... I mean, no. But, I can't say I wouldn't do the same thing in their position. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lindsay Monroe''': Why, because I'm a woman I should cheer his death? I'm a cop first. As much as I despise what he did I don't advocate vigilante justice. <hr width="50%"/> === ''The Untouchable'' [7.16] === :'''Lindsay Monroe''': This is possibly... a grease. :'''Danny Messer''': Yeah, you better hope is that given where we found it. :'''Lindsay Monroe''': You're gross. :'''Danny Messer''': Huh, you wanted the coat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Don Flack''': How did she get here without getting caught? :'''Mac Taylor''': Buildings on either side are abandoned. No one has been up here for years. :'''Don Flack''': What the hell was she doing in here? :'''Mac Taylor''': Looks like Tessa was living here. :'''Don Flack''': Whoa...''[They find a wall plastered with Newspaper clippings, polaroids of people, masks...]'' I don't think the elevator goes to the top floor, if you know what I mean. :'''Jo Danville''': Its amazing. :'''Mac Taylor''': Somewhere in here is the answer to what Tessa was trying to tell me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Flack and Mac investigate room at Gentleman's Club. They find traces of bodily fluid on a couch]'' :'''Don Flack''': A lot of sex going on in this room. Apparently VIP room means something else. :'''Mac Taylor''': Well, sex isnt a crime, murder is. We need to find blood. :''[They spray the room for blood, find it on a wall]'' :'''Don Flack''': Bingo. :'''Mac Taylor''': The splatter suggests a gunshot wound. Tessa was right. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jo Danville''': Your little talk with detective Taylor was really a threat. :'''Keith DeJong''': No! no, no. Look, I jus wanted him to know how- :'''Lindsay Monroe''': How much of a pompous ass you and your club pals are? Do you think money can get you out of murder? :'''Keith DeJong''': No! Look I don't know anything, I just do what I'm told. :'''Lindsay Monroe''': oh, so you're a pompous lackey ass. <hr width="50%"/> === ''Do Or Die'' [7.17] === :'''Don Flack''': Digital Grapevine is in full effect. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mac Taylor''': Significant blood loss. She couldn't have gone far. She was murdered right here in the school grounds. :'''Don Flack''': Usually you tell your kids to be careful coming home from school, not through it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lindsay Monroe''': Is that an ass print? :'''Danny Messer''': Honey, what? :'''Lindsay Monroe''': Look. :'''Danny Messer''': Yeah, that does look like an ass print. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lindsay Monroe''': You were a cheerleader? :'''Jo''': Oh, don't act like you weren't! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Danny Messer''' :''[processing their crime scene]'' You have a hall pass, young lady? :''[Jo casually flashes her badge]'' :'''Danny Messer''': All right, that'll do. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Girl Student''': ''[About being in the school library]'' ''[Nervous]'' Yeah, but I'm there every day. :'''Don Flack''': Got a lot of work done then. :'''Girl Student''': Yeah. :'''Don Flack''': I didn't realize having sex was considered homework. <hr width="50%"/> ''[Adam is walking trying to fidure out something, Jo walks up]'' :'''Jo Danville''': Hey. :'''Adam Ross''': Hey. :'''Jo Danville''': Dog ate your homework, what's up? :'''Adam Ross''': ok, check this out. I was processing Olivia Prescott's clothing, and I found this weird grey dirt on her blazer, so I ran it through GCMS, and I found a high concentration of sodium, potassium, magnesium, and chloride; which is... ah well... ah... eh- It has the same chemical consistency as ah... Martian soil. :'''Jo Danville''': ''[amused]'' What? :'''Adam Ross''': Soil found on Mars. :'''Jo Danville''': Ok. So I should have Flack send out an APB on what? 5'2, big head, oval shaped piercing black eyes, last scene leaving Archford Academy on a flying saucer? ''[still amused]'' :'''Adam Ross''': You know, I just got the results back and I-I don't wanna go to Mac yet cause I don't want him to think that I'm-I'm crazy! :'''Jo Danville''': Adam, I can personally guarantee you, that Olivia has never been to Mars. Based on the tears of the fabrics of her blazer, the killer likely grabbed Olivia, so the "martian soil" had to be secondary transfer from the killers hand, but obviously the killer's never been to mars, so you have to figure out what martian soil has to do with Archford Academy. :'''Adam Ross''': Ok. ''[Turns to leave, sees Mac]'' Oh God ''[Leaves in the opposite direction]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mac Taylor''': Since when were Stalin, Khrushchev, and Beria ingredients in water? :'''Lindsay Monroe''': Never... :'''Sheldon Hawkes''': I don't think there's 1947 calories in it either. :'''Jo Danville''': Where did that water bottle come from? :'''Sheldon Hawkes''': Vics' backpack. :'''Mac Taylor''': ''[Looking at the water bottle closely]'' Heh, Multiple Choice. 1-T-D :'''Lindsay Monroe''': 1947. TD. Truman Doctrine. :'''Mac Taylor''': 2-M-P :'''Jo Danville''': Marshall Plan. :'''Mac Taylor''': 3-N-S-A :'''Lindsay Monroe''': National Security Agency. :'''Mac Taylor''': National Security Act, Agency wasn't formed until 1949. Everything on this bottle has been replaced with information pertaining to the Cold War. :'''Jo Danville''': All the answers to the test. It's a cheat sheet. :'''Sheldon Hawkes''': That's impressive. ''[Mac looks at him wondering]'' :'''Sheldon Hawkes''': I mean, it's not like I've cheated or anything... ''[Jo smiles at him]'' :'''Lindsay Monroe''': Olivia was the smartest girl at that school, she wasn't a cheater. ''[Mac notices something that he had seen smudged on Olivia's finger before]'' :'''Mac Taylor''': and this would explain the transfer of the F.Lindsay go to the Archford Academy website. I wanna know what exams are scheduled for today. :'''Lindsay Monroe''': AP World History :'''Mac Taylor''': Looks like Olivia Prescott might have caught a cheater. <hr width="50%"/> === ''Identity Crisis'' [7.18] === :'''Don Flack''': Hey Mac. Bet you a cup of coffee this is the most interesting crime scene you'll go to all week. :'''Mac Taylor''': You sound confident, obviously you know something I don't. :'''Don Flack''': ''[To Sheldon]'' You wanna tell him? :'''Sheldon Hawkes''': No, please. :'''Don Flack''': Alright. ''[To Mac]'' You had to guess, how old do you say our victim is? :'''Mac Taylor''': Late seventies, early eighties maybe. ''[Sheldon and Flack smile and nod as if it was a good guess, Mac looks at them confused]'' :'''Don Flack''': Doc. :'''Sheldon Hawkes''': Mid thirties would be closer to the truth. :'''Mac Taylor''': ''[Snorts]'' What? :'''Sheldon Hawkes''': Yeah... and he's a woman. ''[Takes off mask from vic]'' :''[Mac looks shocked]'' :'''Don Flack''': ''[smirking]'' I like my coffee black, no sugar. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Adam is doing something in the computer and starts laughing]'' :''[Danny notices he is playing with the aging software using Lindsay's face]'' :'''Danny Messer''': ''[Laughing]'' Hey, come on, that's not right, don't do that, stop. :'''Lindsay Monroe''': What? :'''Danny Messer''': He's just messing with the age progression software. ''[Lindsay walks around the table to see]'' :'''Danny Messer''': I wouldn't look. :'''Lindsay Monroe''': Is that me?! That's not funny! :'''Danny Messer''': I didn't do it. :'''Lindsay Monroe''': Yeah, but you're laughing. :'''Danny Messer''': No. :'''Lindsay Monroe''': You're going to be married to her. ''[They all keep laughing]'' We are growing old together. :''[Adam notices Mac walking over]'' :'''Adam Ross''': ''[Seriously]'' Boss, One o'clock. :'''Mac Taylor''': What is happening in here? :'''Adam Ross''': We were... well, ah... while these guys were, eh... goofing around, I discovered a rust like substance from the vics sweater, more than likely transfered from the weapon. ''[Lindsay and Danny look at him incredulously]'' :'''Danny Messer''': Rust, huh? :'''Adam Ross''': Yeah, huh. :'''Danny Messer''': I think you need a distinct chemical composition or you'll be staring at big fat dead end chief. :'''Lindsay Monroe''': There was no hit in Codis from the blood on the platform. And Danny's print from the train, dead end. But I did manage to find a partial print from the adhesive tape on the cigar box, and I'm thinking since our vic was wearing a mask, she was probably up to something, and she might have a record. :'''Danny Messer''': Right, which we won't find any time soon, cause our vic is still a Jane Doe, and I ran Sid's ten card and we didn't get an ID... So if that print you recovered is hers, it's not gonna get us a name. :'''Lindsay Monroe''': I'm your wife, ok. You don't have to turn on me. :''[The three of them start arguing lightly]'' :'''Mac Taylor''': You three done? :'''Adam Ross''': Sorry. :'''Mac Taylor''': Alright, lets get an ID on our Jane Doe, lets hunt down a location where this mask was purchased might be a good place to start, the quality of the material suggests it was custom made, not something you find on a costume store shelf, and run this clothes, lets see if we can find a murder weapon. Danny that palm print run it for trace, maybe we can find something that'll tell us where the killer works, lives or hangs out. :''[Victim's cell phone starts vibrating]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jo Danville''': ''[To Ellie]'' I adopted you because you needed me... and because I needed you <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jo Danville''': Hey. :'''Mac Taylor''': ''[Looks at his watch]'' What are you doing here? :'''Jo Danville''': Forgot my homework. Left myself a post it so I wouldn't forget on my desk. Of course, I forgot. :'''Mac Taylor''': On your desk? :'''Jo Danville''': Ok, thank you, yes, it's a mess, you know. :'''Mac Taylor''': Huh... How'd it go? ''[About Ellie]'' :'''Jo Danville''': oh, it didn't. Ellie changed her mind. :'''Mac Taylor''': Teenagers. :'''Jo Danville''': Yep, that about sums it up. Mac you need to get married and have kids so I don't have to go through all these challenges alone. :'''Mac Taylor''': Have you lost your mind? :'''Jo Danville''': Yeah, don't get married, just adopt a child. ''[Mac laughs]'' Children are wonderful. :'''Mac Taylor''': Misery really loves company, huh? :'''Jo Danville''': You'd make a great father. :'''Mac Taylor''': Jo, stop. :'''Jo Danville''': didn't you ever think about being a grandfather? :'''Mac Taylor''': Hey, if I buy you a burger and beer will you stop talking? :'''Jo Danville''': Done. You know I have a weakness for food. Lets get a juicy, greasy hamburger, with a light beer. ''[They chuckle a little]'' :'''Jo Danville''': You would make a great father. :'''Mac Taylor''': Jo... <hr width="50%"/> === ''Food For Thought'' [7.19] === :'''Adam Ross''': Hey Mac, if a bird spits on you do you think it's the same good luck as whe- :'''Mac Taylor''': Figure it out, Adam. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Danny Messer''': What about that feast that we brought you in bed? :'''Lindsay Monroe''' That was Mother's Day...two years ago. :'''Danny Messer''': Two? Really?...Whoa, I'll get you something tasty when we're done ''[Crime scene]'' :'''Lindsay Monroe''': I want a bowl of grits, two eggs over medium, sausage and wheat toast with a lot of butter from that soul food place in Bleaker. And, I want a double cheese burger with large fries, and a cream super float from that place in Madison Square park. :'''Danny Messer''': ''[Snorts, starts walking away]'' That's it... ''[Stops, looks back questioningly]'' :'''Lindsay Monroe''': I'm not pregnant. I'm just hungry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Camille Jordanson''': I'm throwing a party and was wondering if you wanted to come by. :'''Sheldon Hawkes''': Babe, didn't we almost just die? :'''Camille Jordanson''': Why do you think I'm throwing a party? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jo Danville''': So all this time we've been looking at food trucks we should have been focusing on fine dining. :'''Mac Taylor''': Let's go see if murder is on the menu. <hr width="50%"/> === ''Nothing for Something'' [7.20] === :''[Talking about Flack taking Mac home]'' :'''Mac Taylor:''' Will you be giving me milk and cookies and singing a lullaby? :'''Don Flack:''' Lullaby thing's a bit weird...but milk and cookies can happen. ''[Grins]'' :''[Mac grins back]'' :'''Don Flack:''' Let's go. <hr width="50%"/> === ''Life Sentence'' [7.21] === :'''Don Flack''': What are you after? :'''Raymond Harris''': Justice. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mac Taylor''': You want to kill me, Harris? Kill me. Here I am. Make a move. :'''Raymond Harris''': Then there wouldn't be any surprises. Where's the fun in that? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mac Taylor''': You always walked the line, Bill, but I never thought you'd cross it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bill Hunt''': Not a day went by that I didn't think of turning myself in. :'''Mac Taylor''': But you didn't :'''Bill Hunt''': It wouldn't have made a difference. :'''Mac Taylor''': It would have to me. <hr width="50%"/> === ''Exit Strategy'' [7.22] === :'''Jo Danville''': Danny, check your schedule. You'll receive a 'must appear' for Wednesday. :'''Sheldon Hawkes''': I can cover your cases for you if you have any deadlines. :'''Danny Messer''': Ah, thanks, Doc ''(To Lindsay)'' You weren't even gonna offer, were you? :'''Lindsay Monroe''': Solve your own damn cases. :'''Adam Ross''': I can't wait to get married. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jo Danville''': Okay, what's going on, Mac? I know you better than you think. Something's up. What suddenly compelled you to investigate a robbery at a bodega on Austin and 123rd? :'''Mac Taylor''': I'm the head of the Crime Lab, Jo. I think that more or less entitles me to re-evaluate any case I want, whenever I want. :'''Jo Danville''': Fine. I have no problem with that. But I'm your colleague and friend and I think that more or less entitles me to ask why. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jo Danville''': You know, you're going old school with that string. You'd be amazed at what computers can do nowadays. :'''Mac Taylor''': It's an old case. Old habits. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Don Flack''': What's up? :'''Mac Taylor''': You just killed two people: owner and an employee behind the counter. :'''Don Flack''': That sounds like me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mac Taylor''': This case has been sitting on the edge of my desk for the last nine years. :'''Don Flack''': You got a new lead? :'''Mac Taylor''': No. :'''Don Flack''': Is the chif asking about it? :'''Mac Taylor''': Nope. :'''Don Flack''': Then, whats up? Why you looking into it now? :'''Mac Taylor''': No reason. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Danny Messer''': Know what I'm thinking? I want you to go into the bathroom, take these two bricks of cocaine and I want you to strap them to your body. All right? Then I'm going to meet you downstairs, okay? I'm gonna get it home, I'm gonna cut it and I'm gonna package it. And I'm going to become... ''(Imitating Al Pacino)'' ...Danny Montana. I'm a political prisoner from Staten Island. :'''Lindsay Monroe''': So you have no problem using me as a drug mule? :'''Danny Messer''': No. If you want to be involved, you're going to have to take on some of the risk. :'''Lindsay Monroe''': Well, it sounds like I'm taking on all of the risk. The only thing you risk is being mocked for doing a bad Pacino impression. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Danny Messer''': So you're not a fan of being the wife of a very powerful and, and, and very handsome, of I do say so myself, drug lord. I anticipated that, because I know a little bit about you so I have a plan B for making some extra dough. :'''Lindsay Monroe''': Well, does it involve you dressing in drag and turning tricks? Because that I'm totally okay with. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Danny Messer''': How does Sergeant Danny Messer sound? :'''Lindsay Monroe''': Are you serious? You're thinking about taking the sergeant's exam? :'''Danny Messer''': Maybe. :'''Lindsay Monroe''': I think that's a great idea. :'''Danny Messer''': Good. 'Cause I took it a few months ago and I'm waiting for the results in a few days. :'''Lindsay Monroe''': What? Why didn't you tell me? :'''Danny Messer''': I mean, I haven't told anyone. I mean, I don't know if I want it. I mean, it's more money. It puts me on the path to possibly running this lab one day but it takes me away from here. It would take me away from the team. It would take me away from you. :'''Lindsay Monroe''': Well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I love that you're thinking about our future like this. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mac Taylor''': We processed this thing when the crime occurred and we never got a second donor. Why would it be different now? :'''Sheldon Hawkes''': Well, I used a different genetic analyzer. Every instrument varies in sensitivity. If I ran it through a third one might not pick it up but this one did. Machines. Sometimes there's no rational explanation for why they do what they do. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wes Dillon''': Relax, Kenny. She's just a kid. :'''Kenny Hexton''': No, she's not a kid. She's a witness, man. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Natalie Dalton''': I suppose you read the reports... the... the ones that the police made that night. I was a different person back then. :'''Mac Taylor''': Ms. Dalton, I'm not here to judge you. Based on what I've read here, you're a mother who's never given up hope, and I admire that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mac Taylor''': How did Olivia end up in that bodega alone? :'''Natalie Dalton''': I was more interested in getting loaded than taking care of my baby girl. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mac Taylor''': The bodega was just around the corner. She [Olivia] went to get you some aspirin. :'''Natalie Dalton''': And when I woke up a couple hours later, she was gone. I went through the entire building, knocked on every door, went through the streets screaming her name. I haven't had a drink since that night. That's what it took to open my eyes. But it was too late. :'''Mac Taylor''': It's never too late. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Natalie Dalton''': You've been looking for these men for nine years. What makes you think you're going to find them now? :'''Mac Taylor''': Olivia. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jo Danville''': You're a very pretty woman. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders. What happened? :'''Jackie Thompson''': You can go now. :'''Jo Danville''': If I had to guess, I bet you had a father who told you you would never amount to anything. And after you heard that about a hundred times you started to believe it. :'''Jackie Thompson''': Get out. :'''Jo Danville''': So you started dating guys who would smack you around. :'''Jackie Thompson''': Get the hell out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mac Taylor''': I want a last name for Wes. :'''Kenny Hexton''': I couldn't tell you. We... we just met a couple weeks before the robbery. I barely knew that guy. After it all went south, we figured the less we knew about each other, the better. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mac Taylor''': ''(To Kenny Hexton)'' That can't be easy. Being on the run like that. All that picking up, moving. New town, new faces. None of that changes once you're on the inside. Not if I have anything to say about it, and I will. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mac Taylor''': I want the girl, Olivia. Tell me where she is. :'''Kenny Hexton''': I don't know. :'''Mac Taylor''': Well, then I don't know where you might end up. I'm thinking maybe, uh, New Mexico right now. How about that? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kenny Hexton''': ''(Giving Wes a gun)'' It's time to lighten the load. :'''Wes Dillon''': ''(Knocks Kenny with the gun)'' You're sick, you know that? ''(He kicks Kenny repeatedly)'' Killing little kids is where we part ways. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mac Taylor''': This writing style is very unique. Look at the I's. Exaggerated slant. Alternating capital and lowercase letters between words. Someone may be able to recognize it. :'''Adam Ross''': I'm not sure I follow. :'''Mac Taylor''': We use it like a missing persons billboard. Instead of a face, we use this. 'If you recognize the handwriting, call the NYPD tips line.' That kind of thing. See? Out of the box thinking. Get it out to every media source you can think of. I want it on electronic billboards, too. :'''Adam Ross''': All over the state? :'''Mac Taylor''': The country. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Samantha Rogers''': Why would Tony do that to me? Lie to me like that? :'''Don Flack''': We believe his real name is Wes. He's a fugitive. Been on the run since 2002. :'''Samantha Rogers''': For what? :'''Don Flack''': Murder. :'''Samantha Rogers''': He killed someone? :'''Don Flack''': He's also wanted for kidnapping. :'''Samantha Rogers''': Wait, you mean Madison? :'''Don Flack''': Her real name is Olivia Dalton. She's not his daughter. :'''Samantha Rogers''': That can't be. You should have seen them together, the way he treated her. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wes Dillon''': You're young. There's gonna be other boys. :'''Olivia Dalton''': Not like him. :'''Wes Dillon''': You're one of a kind, you know that? You're a real princess. Now, if this guy can't see that, you don't want to be with him anyway. I could have a chat with him. You know... little one-on-one. Little man-to-man? I can be pretty convincing. :'''Olivia Dalton''': He's 12. :'''Wes Dillon''': So, what are you saying? You saying I'm too old, I can't take him? :'''Olivia Dalton''': Okay, yeah. Go beat him up for me. But leave me the last punch. :'''Wes Dillon''': Deal. ''(He kisses her)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(After Wes has been shot by the cops)'' :'''Olivia Dalton''': ''(Sobbing)'' You're gonna be okay. We'll get you to a doctor right now. :'''Wes Dillon''': Don't be sad, okay, princess? You get to go home now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mac Taylor''': Olivia Dalton. That's your name. You're from Queens, New York. Your mom's name is Natalie. Remember? I saw her just before I came here. She wanted you to know that she never forgot about you. She never stopped looking for you. She never stopped hoping that you were out here somewhere... alive. She loves you, Olivia. :'''Olivia Dalton''': ''(About Wes)'' He loved me, too. My father loved me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Natalie Dalton''': Thank you. Both of you for all that you've done. ''(Jo motions for Natalie to go join Olivia)'' Is... is that her? ''(She peers inside the office)'' She's beautiful. Can I go...? :'''Mac Taylor''': Of course you can. You're her mother. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jo Danville''': Why didn't you say something about what happened to you on that roof? You put it in the paperwork, but you didn't tell anyone. Why? :'''Mac Taylor''': I'm still trying to wrap my head around a few things, Jo. I've eluded death on many occasions, but this time it was different. It was staring me right in the eyes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mac Taylor''': What am I doing? How much longer can I do this? :'''Jo Danville''': So that's why you went back to the bodega homicide, the last unsolved case. You wanted to see if you could find some closure. :'''Mac Taylor''': I've done a lot of good. :'''Jo Danville''': Yeah. :'''Mac Taylor''': Maybe I've done my part. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lindsay Monroe''': Oh, did you get your results back? :'''Danny Messer''': ''(Imitating Al Pacino)'' Say hello to Sergeant Messer. ''(They hug)'' :'''Lindsay Monroe''': You passed? :'''Danny Messer''': I passed! ''(They kiss)'' <hr width="50%"/> [[Category:CSI: NY seasons]] 36m3htsnu7ii66tcsxf1sasv8qsl63j 0 207390 3157853 3157573 2022-08-25T15:27:54Z Pigsonthewing 1472 /* Song Lyrics */ + wikitext text/x-wiki '''Roy Harper''' (born 12 June 1941) is an English folk rock singer, songwriter and guitarist who has been a professional musician since 1964. Harper has released 32 albums (including 10 live albums) across his 50-year career. As a musician, Harper is known for his distinctive fingerstyle playing and lengthy, lyrical, complex compositions, reflecting his love of jazz and the poet [[John Keats]]. * DESCENDANTS OF SMITH: If we manage to get out the 'back door', the technology available in four million years may perhaps rival the twentieth century christian concept of 'judgement day'. Probably much sooner. Meanwhile, which one is Smith? * GARDEN OF URANIUM: I moved to a house in Lincolnshire. The government were threatening to dump "low level" nuclear waste about fifteen miles away. The plans were dropped a few months before the last general election. The proposals now seem to have resurfaced somewhere under the North Sea! (among other sites proposed since the election) * GOVERNMENT SURPLUS: Employment figures and history books are 'cooked'. Young people are manipulated. The status quo is maintained by an insidious mafiosi piping drugs to the unsuspecting by means of an ever expanding cycloptic media. * PINCHES OF SALT: Are the humanoids pilling the chemistry into reactions they have no control over? Have the wolves of the universal law already started to blow the door down? Is the back door still open? Who the hell cares with a hundred billion freon - filled hair sprays still on sale? Who am I to ctiticise my own crisis? * STILL LIFE: The short British wintertime as seen from within my cocoon. Snow three feet deep in places. Icicles. The small ones outside fighting for survival. Dusk before four. Yellow light in the crisp still. A jackdaw's wing beat precisely preserved. An atmosphere. From the album ...descendants of Smith (CD-EMC 3524, 1988) * [[Led Zeppelin]] recorded the song Hats off to (Roy) Harper. (Led Zeppelin III, 1970) === Song Lyrics === {{Sister project links|w=Roy Harper (singer)|wikt=no|b=no|s=no|commons=Category:Roy Harper|n=no|v=no|species=no|d=Q365670|voy=no|m=no|mw=no}} * And half the blasted idiots are stuck in Yugoslavia<br>With hardly a Dinar<br>And looking no cleaner<br>Than a Chinese wrestler's jock-strap<br>Cooked in chip fat<br>On a greasy day ** "You Don’t Need Money" on ''Come Out Fighting Ghengis Smith'' (1968) * I'm sorry that you thought of us as painful and superfluous<br> But please don't think I'm that thick skinned to want my seed in any old wind<br> I can't believe we'll just exist as figments of each others past<br> Where is it at to get to this, when lawyers lurk where lovers kissed? ** "Naked Flame" on ''Bullinamingvase'' (1977) * Watford Gap, Watford Gap<br>A plate of grease and a load of crap ** "Watford Gap" on ''Bullinamingvase'' (1977), about the [[:w:Watford Gap services|Watford Gap service station]] * One of those days in England with a sword in every pond<br>And birds in every garden in the land ** "One of Those Days in England" on ''Bullinamingvase'' (1977) * You ask what is the quality of life<br>Seeking to justify the part you play<br>And mask, what seems a worthless fate ** "Short and Sweet" on ''The Unknown Soldier'' (1980) {{DEFAULTSORT:Harper, Roy (singer)}} [[Category:Musicians from England]] [[Category:Guitarists from England]] [[Category:Singers from England]] [[Category:Songwriters from England]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from England]] [[Category:Folk singers]] [[Category:1941 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Manchester]] d7kk9kkp19uiph9qf1wcxke77shv5k1 3157854 3157853 2022-08-25T15:28:42Z Pigsonthewing 1472 /* Song Lyrics */ c wikitext text/x-wiki '''Roy Harper''' (born 12 June 1941) is an English folk rock singer, songwriter and guitarist who has been a professional musician since 1964. Harper has released 32 albums (including 10 live albums) across his 50-year career. As a musician, Harper is known for his distinctive fingerstyle playing and lengthy, lyrical, complex compositions, reflecting his love of jazz and the poet [[John Keats]]. * DESCENDANTS OF SMITH: If we manage to get out the 'back door', the technology available in four million years may perhaps rival the twentieth century christian concept of 'judgement day'. Probably much sooner. Meanwhile, which one is Smith? * GARDEN OF URANIUM: I moved to a house in Lincolnshire. The government were threatening to dump "low level" nuclear waste about fifteen miles away. The plans were dropped a few months before the last general election. The proposals now seem to have resurfaced somewhere under the North Sea! (among other sites proposed since the election) * GOVERNMENT SURPLUS: Employment figures and history books are 'cooked'. Young people are manipulated. The status quo is maintained by an insidious mafiosi piping drugs to the unsuspecting by means of an ever expanding cycloptic media. * PINCHES OF SALT: Are the humanoids pilling the chemistry into reactions they have no control over? Have the wolves of the universal law already started to blow the door down? Is the back door still open? Who the hell cares with a hundred billion freon - filled hair sprays still on sale? Who am I to ctiticise my own crisis? * STILL LIFE: The short British wintertime as seen from within my cocoon. Snow three feet deep in places. Icicles. The small ones outside fighting for survival. Dusk before four. Yellow light in the crisp still. A jackdaw's wing beat precisely preserved. An atmosphere. From the album ...descendants of Smith (CD-EMC 3524, 1988) * [[Led Zeppelin]] recorded the song Hats off to (Roy) Harper. (Led Zeppelin III, 1970) === Song Lyrics === {{Sister project links|w=Roy Harper (singer)|wikt=no|b=no|s=no|commons=Category:Roy Harper|n=no|v=no|species=no|d=Q365670|voy=no|m=no|mw=no}} * And half the blasted idiots are stuck in Yugoslavia<br>With hardly a Dinar<br>And looking no cleaner<br>Than a Chinese wrestler's jock-strap<br>Cooked in chip fat<br>On a greasy day ** "You Don’t Need Money" on ''Come Out Fighting Ghengis Smith'' (1968) * I'm sorry that you thought of us as painful and superfluous<br>But please don't think I'm that thick skinned to want my seed in any old wind<br>I can't believe we'll just exist as figments of each others past<br>Where is it at to get to this, when lawyers lurk where lovers kissed? ** "Naked Flame" on ''Bullinamingvase'' (1977) * Watford Gap, Watford Gap<br>A plate of grease and a load of crap ** "Watford Gap" on ''Bullinamingvase'' (1977), about the [[:w:Watford Gap services|Watford Gap service station]] * One of those days in England with a sword in every pond<br>And birds in every garden in the land ** "One of Those Days in England" on ''Bullinamingvase'' (1977) * You ask what is the quality of life<br>Seeking to justify the part you play<br>And mask, what seems a worthless fate ** "Short and Sweet" on ''The Unknown Soldier'' (1980) {{DEFAULTSORT:Harper, Roy (singer)}} [[Category:Musicians from England]] [[Category:Guitarists from England]] [[Category:Singers from England]] [[Category:Songwriters from England]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from England]] [[Category:Folk singers]] [[Category:1941 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Manchester]] 4rvdj4hpflc597j7vx7it9hry5l7xsl 0 213438 3157918 3052732 2022-08-25T18:54:16Z A23423413 3125316 adds wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Cynthia McKinney.jpg|thumb|Cynthia McKinney]] '''[[w:Cynthia McKinney|Cynthia Ann McKinney]]''' (born March 17, 1955) is an American politician and assistant professor at [[w:North South University|North South University]], Bangladesh. As a member of the [[w:United States Democratic Party|Democratic Party]], she served six terms in the [[United States House of Representatives]]. She was the first African American woman elected to represent Georgia in the House. She left the Democratic Party and ran in [[w:2008 United States presidential election|2008]] as the presidential candidate of the [[w:Green Party of the United States|Green Party of the United States]]. {{political-stub}} {{women-stub}} ==Quotes== *[[Gus Savage]] was a black member of Congress who was targeted by the pro-Israel lobby. And he had the foresight as an incumbent in the House of Representatives to put his experience on the Congressional Record. **[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_VNOk7Wv5A 22 May 2011] *There is no more special interest that has any more influence than the pro Israel lobby. So then when I did outreach for example to the Muslim community in the United States I bopped into the pro Israeli lobby which of course does not want to have to contend with a politicized Muslim community which is as large as and is as wealthy as the pro Israeli lobby is in the United States. So, yes I first handedly and also frontally was assaulted by the presence of the pro Israeli lobby. Well, politically assaulted to such an extent that my father had to ask the question publically, 'what does stoned mountain Georgia have to do with Israel? What I was doing was servicing the needs of my constituents and I was not allowed to do that because I did not toe the line on US policy for Israel.<br>..<br>every candidate for Congress at that time had a pledge. They were given a pledge to sign and I was new on the scene and the pledge had Jerusalem as the capital city, the military superiority of Israel<br>..<br> If you do not sign the pledge, you do not get money<br>..<br>You make a commitment that you would vote to support the military superiority of Israel that the economic assistant that Israel wants that you would vote to provide that. **[https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2011/05/cynthia-mckinney-blasts-us-on-libya-tv-and-pro-israel-groups-in-iran/239298/ 23 May 2011] *the world saw Operation Cast Lead, where the United States-supplied F-16s, white phosphorus, depleted uranium, cluster bombs, DIME weapons, were rained down on the defenseless people of Gaza. And, of course, we wanted desperately to get in to take humanitarian relief supplies. And both times that I’ve tried to go with Free Gaza, they’ve been thwarted — we have been supported thwarted by the Israeli military. **[https://www.democracynow.org/2009/7/8/fmr_congressmember_cynthia_mckinney_back_in Interview] with Democracy Now (2009) *I would like to see the children of Gaza have the coloring books and the crayons that we had on board with us. I would like to see the houses that have been destroyed rebuilt. I would like to see the lives rebuilt of the people of Gaza. And I would like to see the people of Palestine have, enjoy their human rights. **[https://www.democracynow.org/2009/7/8/fmr_congressmember_cynthia_mckinney_back_in Interview] with Democracy Now (2009) *I reject the continuation of the occupation of Iraq and, of course, reject any surge into Afghanistan. There was silence over the most recent US raid over Syria, the incursions into Pakistan, the virtual blaming of Russia for a provocation that actually was initiated by Georgia, the push to include NATO membership for countries that are right up to the border of Russia and China. Then, of course, I would never have been for the bailout, put out my own fourteen points with respect to the bailout, would never have supported FISA, the illegal spying, the unwarranted spying on US citizens, and at the same time granting of immunity to telecoms that were complicit in that. There are many areas of disagreement with the Obama administration. **[https://www.democracynow.org/2008/11/5/green_party_presidential_candidate_cynthia_mckinney Interview] with Democracy Now (2008) ===[https://www.democracynow.org/2008/2/4/former_democratic_rep_cynthia_mckinney_seeks Interview] with Democracy Now (2008)=== *I was with people who are trying to form a support committee to support the aspirations and the votes of people in Latin America who have really produced change by the power of the ballot, and looking at supporting Evo Morales in Bolivia and Hugo Chavez, of course, in Venezuela. But, of course, we’ve also got Daniel Ortega now in Nicaragua. So we’ve had a succession of successes, really, demonstrating that it is possible to vote one’s fears and to vote one’s dreams and hopes and aspirations and win. *I’ve learned that there is a community of people who have found that life is possible outside of the two-party paradigm. They have searched for resolution of issues that are of grave concern to them, and they have not found it within the two-party-system. But that has sometimes meant that they would withdraw from electoral — the electoral process altogether. And so, we have a whole huge swath of the potential electorate who don’t even vote at all. *starting in 1968, many of them have said that the treatment of the Democratic Party of people, their children, basically, who were outside of the Democratic National Convention and who wanted only to express their opposition to the Vietnam War, that was a tipping point for them. Others have experienced — have said that 9/11 truth is a tipping point for them. The failure of the Democratic Party to support impeachment, which is really the ultimate form of accountability in our system, is a tipping point for them. *our values are, first and foremost, peace. The values that we have to express are ending the disparities, the glaring disparities based on race and class that exist in our country. *why is it that we are not talking about poverty in this country? Why is it that we’re not talking about cutting the money that we give to the Pentagon? The Pentagon has already admitted that it lost 2.3 trillion of our dollars. Where is the accountability? And why is it that the values that are so easily expressed in public policy are the ones that say we have to cut social programs, we have to ask people who are losing their life’s investment in their homes in this subprime mortgage crisis, that they’re the ones who have to tighten their belts? *I have a different point of view. But does that mean that my point of view is invalid in the political — as a part of the political consensus of our country? No, it doesn’t. *during the time of [[Martin Luther King Jr.]]] transformation from a civil rights figure, trying to secure the rights of all people in this country, and then moving that into the economic realm to challenge the budget and policy priorities of the United States Congress in the Poor People’s Campaign, he was murdered, and that –— those efforts were cut short with the active participation of people in the media who literally hounded him for the last five years of his life. Is that what we expect to happen to people who voice their dissent in our country? *I have to tell you that I supported Nancy Pelosi for most of my political tenure in the United States Congress, and it was quite a disappointment for her to take impeachment off the table. *I don’t believe that FOX News ought to be setting the agenda for the Congress. ===[https://www.democracynow.org/2008/10/16/breaking_the_sound_barrier_third_party Interview] with Democracy Now (2008)=== *I’ve put together a fourteen-point plan, which is available on our website runcynthiarun.org. And in those fourteen points is included a elimination of adjustable rate mortgages, predatory lending, and any of the discriminatory practices that helped to fuel the crisis that we’re experiencing. In addition to that, I also call for the elimination of derivatives trading, which is one of the major problems. *I also call for the nationalization of the Federal Reserve and the establishment of a banking system, a nationalized banking system, that really responds to the needs of people and our country. Our country needs investment in infrastructure, in manufacturing and in greening our economy, and that could be accomplished through such a banking system that belongs to the American people. *I would also just like to say I agree that US corporations should not receive tax subsidies for moving jobs overseas, and that’s a piece of legislation that I actually introduced when I was in the Congress. *the issues that I’ve been talking about as I’ve gone around this country have been the tremendous impact that the Bush tax cuts have had on income inequality in our country. The sad fact of the matter is that we are experiencing the kind of income inequality not experienced since the Great Depression. *I’ve been talking about the need to repeal the PATRIOT Acts, so that we can safeguard our civil liberties, protect the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. *I support single-payer healthcare system in this country *In 2000, when people went to the polls, when the voters went to the polls, they were met with confusing ballots, manipulation of the voter lists, electronic voting machines that didn’t work, inappropriately or ineffectively or poorly trained officials who weren’t familiar with the workings of those machines, and we know what the problems with those machines have been and are. *I agree with [[Ralph Nader]] that we need to repeal NAFTA and all of those so-called free trade agreements, but they are — they don’t constitute fair trade. And with respect to Colombia, I can say that not only have I been to Colombia, I have seen the devastation of the militarization of our policy, particularly with Colombia, and the displacement particularly of the Afro-Colombian communities across that country. *What we must encourage is a relationship with countries around the world, where we engage in fair trade, not free trade; we pay a fair price for the resources and other things that we need; we respect human rights, labor rights, environmental rights; and we repeal these agreements that have been implemented so far. *the Green Party has four pillars on which all of its policy recommendations lie. And that is, they are social justice, ecological wisdom, peace and grassroots democracy. So that means that our foreign policy, our domestic policy, our public policy, in general, would focus on the well-being of the people, on the well-being of this planet. *We also need an energy policy. War is not an acceptable energy policy. But certainly, if Canada can satisfy all of their space heating needs with solar energy, then so, too, can we. And I’d love to see the old buildings that have been abandoned in community after community across this country become teeming centers of employment so that people are actually able to manufacture the green technology that this country needs in order to relieve us of our dependence on oil. We don’t need to drill. == External links == {{wikipedia}} *[https://twitter.com/cynthiamckinney Twitter page] {{DEFAULTSORT:McKinney, Cynthia}} [[Category:1955 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Libertarian Party (United States) politicians]] [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:Activists from the United States]] [[Category:Anti-war activists]] [[Category:Conspiracy theorists]] [[Category:People from Atlanta]] [[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]] [[Category:Democratic Party (United States) politicians]] [[Category:Green Party of the United States politicians]] [[Category:Human rights activists]] [[Category:Women politicians]] [[Category:American women]] 0hcjc8ga57enlkdtinyrbtebhk3y71b 0 216789 3157931 3152771 2022-08-25T20:38:34Z 162.197.99.132 /* Woody */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''''{{w|Toy Story 4}}''''' is a 2019 animated film and a sequel to ''[[Toy Story 3]]''. It is the 4th and final film of the ''Toy Story'' series and about the toys on a road trip adventure while they are introduced to Forky, a spork that has been made into a toy. The film stars the voices of [[Tom Hanks]], [[Tim Allen]], {{w|Annie Potts}}, Emily Davis, [[Keanu Reeves]], {{w|Tony Hale}}, {{w|Christina Hendricks}}, {{w|Ally Maki}}, {{w|Keegan-Michael Key}}, {{w|Jordan Peele}}, and Madeleine McGraw as Bonnie. :''Directed by [[w:Josh Cooley|Josh Cooley]]. Produced by [[w:Jonas Rivera|Jonas Rivera]] and Mark Nielsen. Screenplay by Stephany Folsom and [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]]. Story by [[w:John Lasseter|John Lasseter]], [[w:Rashida Jones|Rashida Jones]], [[w:Will McCormack|Will McCormack]], Josh Cooley, Valerie LaPointe, [[w:Martin Hynes|Martin Hynes]], Stephany Folsom and [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]]''. {{italic title}} ==Woody== * Reach for the sky! * ''[to Bo]'' Bonnie needs Forky. * I know, this is a little strange, but we all have to make sure nothing happens to Forky. * There's a snake in my boot! * ''[to Forky]'' You're Bonnie’s toy. You are going to help create happy memories that will last for the rest of her life. * You're my favorite deputy! * Forky is the ''most'' important toy to Bonnie right now, we all have to make sure nothing happens to him. * I don't remember it being this hard. * It's called loyalty. Something a lost toy wouldn't understand. == Buzz == * To infinity and beyond! * Woody, we have a situation. * On my way, Woody! * We can handle a cat. == Bo == * Kids lose their toys every day. * Open your eyes, Woody. There’s plenty of kids out there. Sometimes change can be good. * Oh, Sheriff Woody, you’re always coming to the rescue. * Woody, who needs a kid’s room when you can have all of this? ==Jessie== * ''[first lines]'' Whoa! It's raining cats and dogs out there! * Guys, listen, Bonnie had a great day in first grade. She even made a new friend in class. * No, no, she ''made'' a new friend. (''pulls Knifey out of Bonnie's backpack to introduce her to Bonnie's toys'') Come on out, it's okay. ==Dolly== * Freeze! Nobody move! Bonnie always forgets something! She'll be back any second! ''[sees Hamm reaching for some coins]'' That goes for you too, Hamm. * I'm sorry Woody. I hate to sound like a broken record, but Bonnie's not Andy. ==Forky== * ''[first words]'' Trash? * I am not a toy, I'm a spork. ''['''Woody:''' Forky, quiet!]'' I was made for soup, salad, maybe chili, and then the trash. I'm litter! FREEDOM!! * Why am I alive? * Woody, somebody’s whispering in your ear. ''[whispers in Woody’s ear]'' Everything is going to be okay. * Woody will save me. I’ve known that guy my whole life, 2 days. * I’m trash. ==Ducky== * ''['''Buzz:''' Come on! Help me get out of here!]'' Oh, I'll help you... with my foot! * To infinity and my foot! * In the vacuum of space, they cannot hear you scream… ''[as he goes to kick Buzz, Buzz brings down his helmet squashing his foot]'' AAAAHH!! * ''['''Bunny:''' Is that how we look on the inside?]'' There’s so much... fluff. ==Bunny== * If you think you can just show up and take our top prize spots, you’re wrong! ''['''Ducky:''' Dead wrong!]'' * ''[to Ducky]'' Is that how we look on the inside? ''['''Ducky:''' There’s so much... fluff.]'' ==Duke Caboom== * Duke Caboom. Canada’s greatest stunt man. * Let's Caboom. ==Giggle McDimples== * ''['''Buzz Lightyear:''' We can handle a cat.]'' No, not this one. ==Gabby Gabby== * Hi, there. My name is Gabby Gabby. * Don't let Woody leave. ==Bonnie== * The town is open! * Hi, toys. Bye, toys. * We have to find him, Mom! * He's not anywhere. Forky's gone. ==Others== *'''Mr. Potato Head''': Hey, watch it, buddy! *'''Rex''': The panic is attacking me! == Dialogue == :'''Rex''': Does this mean Woody's a lost toy? :'''Buzz''': He's not lost. Not anymore. To infinity... :'''Woody''': And beyond. == Cast == * [[Tom Hanks]] - Woody * [[Tim Allen]] - Buzz Lightyear * {{w|Annie Potts}} - Bo Peep * {{w|Tony Hale}} - Forky * {{w|Keegan-Michael Key}} - Ducky * {{w|Jordan Peele}} - Bunny * Madeleine McGraw - Bonnie * {{w|Christina Hendricks}} - Gabby Gabby * [[Keanu Reeves]] - Duke Caboom * {{w|Ally Maki|Ally Maki}} - Giggle McDimples * {{w|Jay Hernandez}} - Bonnie's dad * {{w|Lori Alan}} - Bonnie's mom * {{w|Joan Cusack}} - Jessie * {{w|Wallace Shawn}} - Rex * {{w|John Ratzenberger}} - Hamm * {{w|Blake Clark}} - Slinky Dog * {{w|Don Rickles}} - Mr. Potato Head (archive recordings) * {{w|Estelle Harris}} - Mrs. Potato Head * {{w|Jeff Pidgeon}} - Aliens * {{w|Bonnie Hunt}} - Dolly * {{w|Kristen Schaal}} - Trixie * {{w|Timothy Dalton}} - Mr. Pricklepants * {{w|Jeff Garlin}} - Buttercup * Emily Davis - Billy, Goat, and Gruff * {{w|John Morris (actor)|John Morris}} - Andy ** Jack McGraw as young Andy * {{w|Laurie Metcalf}} - Andy's mother * {{w|June Squibb}} - Margaret * {{w|Carl Weathers}} - Combat Carl * Maliah Bargas-Good - Lost Girl * Juliana Hansen - Miss Wendy * [[Steve Purcell]] - Benson and The Dummies * Lila Sage Bromley - Harmony * [[Mel Brooks]] - Melephant Brooks * {{w|Carol Burnett}} - Chairol Burnett * [[Betty White]] - Bitey White * [[Carl Reiner]] - Carl Reineroceros * {{w|Alan Oppenheimer}} - Old Timer * {{w|Patricia Arquette}} - Harmony's Mother * {{w|Bill Hader}} - Axel the Carnie * {{w|Flea (musician)|Flea}} - the Duke Caboom commerical announcer * {{w|Melissa Villaseñor}} - Karen Beverly * {{w|Rickey Henderson}} - an Oakland Athletics bobblehead figure ==External links== {{wikipedia-inline}} {{Toy Story}} [[Category:2019 films]] [[Category:Adventure films]] [[Category:Toy Story]] [[Category:Comedy films]] [[Category:Screenplays by John Lasseter]] [[Category:Fantasy films]] [[Category:Computer-animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Films directed by Josh Cooley]] cjedu81hnjqgdrum3pigzmsh33za7nl 0 217624 3157836 3127989 2022-08-25T12:33:13Z Christian M. (2016) 2888911 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Lion King (2019 film)|The Lion King]]''''' is a [[w:2019 in film|2019]] American computer-generated musical remake film based on the original ''[[The Lion King|Lion King]]'' from 1994. The film is about a young [[w:masai lion|masai lion]] named Simba, who must embrace his role as the rightful king of his native land following the murder of his father, Mufasa, at the hands of his uncle, Scar. :''Directed by [[w:Jon Favreau|Jon Favreau]]. Written by [[w:Jeff Nathanson|Jeff Nathanson]], inspired by [[The Lion King|Disney's 1994 animated film of the same name]].'' == Simba == * My father once told me, "Protect everything the light touches." If I don't fight for it, who will? == Scar == * ''[first lines; to the mouse]'' Life's not fair, is it, my little friend? While some are born to feast... others spend their lives in the dark, begging for scraps. The way I see it, you and I are exactly the same. We both want to find a way out. * ''[digs his claws into Mufasa's paws]'' Long live the king. ''[slaps Mufasa off the cliff]'' * Run. Run away, Simba. Run away, and ''never'' return! == Dialogue == :'''Mufasa''': ''[about Scar]'' What am I going to do with him? :'''Zazu''': Come on. We both know he should've been expelled from the Pride Lands long ago. :'''Mufasa''': He is my brother, Zazu. This is his home. As long as I am king, that'll never change. :'''Zazu''': Well, there is one in every family, sire. I had a cousin who thought he was a woodpecker. He slammed his head into trees and our beaks aren't built for it, he was concussed regularly. Oh, you've gone. Uh, sire, coming back! <hr width="50%> :'''Mufasa''': Everything you see exists together in a delicate balance. As king, you need to understand that balance and respect all the creatures; from the crawling ant to the leaping antelope. :'''Simba''': But, Dad, don't we eat the antelope? :'''Mufasa''': Yes, Simba, but let me explain. When we die, our bodies become the grass. And the antelope eat the grass. And so, we are all connected in the great Circle of Life. <hr width="50%> :'''Scar''': If you wish to kill something, you might want to stay downwind. :'''Simba''': I know how to hunt, Uncle Scar. :'''Scar''': Then let's hope we're never attacked by a beetle. Go back to your den, Simba. I don't babysit. :'''Simba''': Babysit? I'm gonna king of Pride Rock. My dad showed me the whole kingdom. Said I'm gonna rule it all. :'''Scar''': Is that so? :'''Simba''': Think about it. When I'm king, I'll have to give you orders. Tell you what to do. How weird is that? :'''Scar''': You've no idea. <hr width="50%> :''[Rafiki, elated by the sight of Simba, follows him]'' :'''Simba''': Go away. :'''Rafiki''': Going away will not answer the question. :'''Simba''': What question? Who are you? :'''Rafiki''': I know exactly who I am. The question is: who are you? :'''Simba''': I'm nobody. So leave me alone. All right? :'''Rafiki''': Everybody is somebody. Even a nobody. <hr width="50%> :''[Simba sees his father's spirit in the clouds]'' :'''Mufasa''': Simba, you must take your place in the Circle of Life. :'''Simba''': I can't. :'''Mufasa''': You must remember who you are. The one true king. :'''Simba''': I'm sorry. I don't know how to be like you. :'''Mufasa''': As king, I was most proud of one thing. Having you as my son. :'''Simba''': That was a long time ago. :'''Mufasa''': No, Simba. That is forever. :'''Simba''': Please, don't leave me again. :'''Mufasa''': I never left you, I never will. Remember who you are. Remember. <hr width="50%> :''[Simba, Pumbaa, Timon, Zazu, and Nala make it to the Pride Lands]'' :'''Timon''': ''[about the hyenas]'' What's your plan for getting us past the slobbering guards? :'''Simba''': Live bait. ''[he, Nala, Zazu, and Timon look at Pumbaa]'' :'''Pumbaa''': That's a great idea. Those guys could never resist fresh meat! So all we need to do is find something that's like big, plump, and juicy... maybe like a gnu? :''[They all continue to stare blankly at Pumbaa]'' :'''Pumbaa''': Why's everyone looking at me? :''[Shenzi's clan of hyenas are paying attention to Timon. Pumbaa is set up like a roast pig]'' :'''Timon''': [[w:Be Our Guest|O chère, mademoiselle! It is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure that we proudly present your dinner! Be... our--]] ''[screams]'' :''[Timon and Pumbaa flee before the clan of hyenas]'' :'''Timon''': It's working, Pumbaa! <hr width="50%> :'''Scar''': So you haven't told them your little secret? Well, Simba, now is your chance to confess. Tell them who is responsible for Mufasa's death. :'''Simba''': ... It was me. :'''Sarabi''': It's not true. Tell me it's not true. :'''Simba''': It's true, I'm sorry. :'''Scar''': He admits it. Murderer! :'''Simba''': No, it was an accident. :'''Scar''': If it weren't for you, the king would be alive. It's your fault he's dead! Do you deny it? :'''Simba''': I'm not a murderer. :'''Scar''': We should believe a son who takes the life of a father? We should believe a son who takes the life of a king? A son who abandons his mother? :'''Simba''': No, I'm-- :'''Scar''': You're what? Say it! Are you the king? :'''Simba''': No, no. I'm-- :'''Scar''': Are you the king?! :'''Simba''': ''[falls into despair all over again]'' No, I'm... :'''Scar''': You're what?! Say it! :'''Simba''': ''[whimpering near the ledge]'' I'm nothing. :'''Scar''': Then bow to your king! :''[Simba falls and hangs over the ledge of Pride Rock]'' :'''Nala''': SIMBA! :''[Lightning strikes below, igniting a fire]'' :'''Scar''': Now, this looks familiar. Where have I seen ''this'' before? Oh, yes. I remember. This is the way Mufasa looked before he died. I looked down, and saw the fear in his eyes. ''[claws Simba's paws]'' And here's my little secret. ''[whispers into Simba's ear]'' ''I'' killed Mufasa. :''[In shock, Simba has a flashback in slow motion and realizes that it was Scar who killed Mufasa at the gorge; Simba's eyes wide open and his shock turns into fury as he bites Scar's mane and gets back up, resuming the confrontation]'' :'''Simba''': My father. Your own brother. How could you?! :'''Scar''': ''[to the hyenas and lionesses]'' First, he kills Mufasa. And now, he wants to kill ''me''! :'''Simba''': ''You'' killed him! Tell them the truth. :'''Scar''': Don't believe his lies! :'''Sarabi''': ''[softly]'' Scar... you told us you didn't get to the gorge in time. :'''Scar''': That's true. :'''Sarabi''': ''[harshly]'' Then how did you see the look in Mufasa's eyes? :''[Scar growls, realizing he's been exposed]'' :'''Simba''': Murderer! :'''Scar''': ''[to his hyenas]'' Kill them all! <hr width="50%> :'''Timon''': Pumbaa, I think we lost them. :'''Pumbaa''': That was terrifying. ''[Shenzi's clan of hyenas peer close, emerging behind them]'' Do you hear a low growl? :'''Hyena''': Looks like we'll be having pig for dinner. Plump and chubby. :'''Pumbaa''': ''[offended]'' "Chubby"? Did he just call me "chubby"? :'''Timon''': Uh-oh. ''[runs behind a rock]'' :'''Pumbaa''': It sounded... it sounded a lot like he just said "chubby," which would be a mistake, because I will not be made to feel ashamed of who I am! :'''Timon''': Oh, boy. :'''Pumbaa''': I may run from hyenas, but I will always fight a bully. ''[charges and drives the hyenas off]'' :'''Timon''': Do you feel better, Pumbaa? :'''Pumbaa''': I do. :'''Timon''': You got that out of your system? :'''Pumbaa''': I did. <hr width="50%> :'''Simba''': It's over, Scar! :'''Scar''': Have mercy. I beg you. :'''Simba''': Mercy? After what you did?! :'''Scar''': It was the hyenas. Those revolting scavengers made me do it. I was planning on killing them all. :''[Shenzi, Kamari, and Azizi overhear and growl at Scar's betrayal]'' :'''Simba''': You fooled the hyenas, just like you fooled me. :'''Scar''': Simba, you wouldn't kill your only uncle. :'''Simba''': No, Scar. I'm not like you. :'''Scar''': Oh, Simba. You are truly noble, and I will make it up to you. Just tell me how I can prove myself. Tell me what you want me to do. :'''Simba''': Run. Run away, Scar. Run away, and never return. :'''Scar''': Yes. Of course. As you wish... ''[seeing a pile of hot coals]'' your Majesty! :''[Simba and Scar fight]'' :'''Simba''': You can't win, Scar! :'''Scar''': This is my kingdom! My destiny! == Cast == * [[w:Donald Glover|Donald Glover]] as [[w:Simba|Simba]] ** [[w:JD McCrary|JD McCrary]] as young Simba * [[w:Seth Rogen|Seth Rogen]] as [[w:Timon and Pumbaa|Pumbaa]] * [[w:Chiwetel Ejiofor|Chiwetel Ejiofor]] as [[w:Scar (The Lion King)|Scar]] * [[w:Alfre Woodard|Alfre Woodard]] as [[w:List of The Lion King characters#Sarabi|Sarabi]] * [[w:Billy Eichner|Billy Eichner]] as [[w:Timon and Pumbaa|Timon]] * [[w:John Kani|John Kani]] as [[w:List of The Lion King characters#Rafiki|Rafiki]] * [[w:John Oliver|John Oliver]] as [[w:List of The Lion King characters#Zazu|Zazu]] * [[Beyoncé]] Knowles-Carter as [[w:Nala (The Lion King)|Nala]] ** [[w:Shahadi Wright Joseph|Shahadi Wright Joseph]] as young Nala * [[w:James Earl Jones|James Earl Jones]] as [[w:List of The Lion King characters#Mufasa|Mufasa]] * [[w:Florence Kasumba|Florence Kasumba]], [[w:Keegan-Michael Key|Keegan-Michael Key]] and [[w:Eric Andre|Eric Andre]] as [[w:List of The Lion King characters#Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed|Shenzi, Kamari and Azizi]] * [[w:Penny Johnson Jerald|Penny Johnson Jerald]] as [[w:List of The Lion King characters#Sarafina|Sarafina]] * [[w:Amy Sedaris|Amy Sedaris]] as a guinea fowl * [[w:Chance Bennett|Chance Bennett]] as a bush baby * Josh McCrary as an elephant shrew * [[w:Phil LaMarr|Phil LaMarr]] as an impala * [[w:J. Lee|J. Lee]] as a hyena == External links == {{wikipedia}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} * {{IMDb title|id=6105098| title=The Lion King}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Lion King (2019 film), The}} [[Category:2019 films]] [[Category:2010s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Remake films]] [[Category:The Lion King]] [[Category:Films about death]] [[Category:Films set in Africa]] [[Category:Films set in jungles]] [[Category:Films directed by Jon Favreau]] qxksdf6fl287c80pv3cdc8hog5c99oi 1 219109 3158120 2663079 2022-08-26T11:47:07Z Eaglestorm 16205 wikitext text/x-wiki {{quotation limit|type=film|length=108 min}} I suggest maybe expanding the article to include more quotes, maybe some or [https://archive.org/details/SciFi_Now_Superhero_Movie_Collection_3rd_Edition/page/n64 all of these quotes]. I really like the shoebox quote and the quote from Eddie Valentine is pretty good too. -- [[Special:Contributions/109.79.172.205|109.79.172.205]] 18:49, 5 September 2019 (UTC) :As the page is just a stub at present, feel free to add more quotes. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 19:09, 5 September 2019 (UTC) fzmxy9hvlve9lk1kse1t6wgmfuj7i0f 0 219779 3158101 3155630 2022-08-26T09:19:48Z Philip Cross 7192 /* 2022 */ + yesterday's comments about President Macron wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Elizabeth Truss 2016.jpg|thumb|Liz Truss]] '''[[w:Liz Truss|Mary Elizabeth Truss]]''' (born 26 July 1975), known as '''Liz Truss''', is a British politician who has served as [[w:Foreign Secretary|Secretary of State for Foreign, Commonwealth and Development Affairs]] since September 2021. Previously she held posts as [[w:Secretary of State for International Trade|Secretary of State for International Trade]] and [[w:President of the Board of Trade|President of the Board of Trade]] from July 2019 in [[Boris Johnson]]'s cabinet. Following the resignation of [[Amber Rudd]], she gained the additional position as the [[w:Minister for Women and Equalities|Minister for Women and Equalities]] in September 2019. A member of the [[w:Conservative Party (UK)|Conservative Party]], she has been the [[w:Member of Parliament (United Kingdom)|Member of Parliament]] (MP) for [[w:South West Norfolk (UK Parliament constituency)|South West Norfolk]] since the [[w:2010 United Kingdom general election|2010 United Kingdom general election]]. Truss was [[w:Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs|Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs]] from 2014 to 2016, [[w:Secretary of State for Justice|Secretary of State for Justice]] and [[w:Lord Chancellor|Lord Chancellor]] from 2016 to 2017 and [[w:Chief Secretary to the Treasury|Chief Secretary to the Treasury]] from 2017 to 2019. In the [[w:2022 Conservative Party leadership election (UK)|2022 Conservative Party leadership election]], she is a candidate to succeed [[w:Boris Johnson|Boris Johnson]] as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom == Quotes == === 1994 === *I agree with [[Paddy Ashdown]] when he said everybody in Britain should have the chance to be a somebody. But only one family can provide the head of state. We Liberal Democrats believe in opportunity for all. We believe in fairness, common sense. We believe in referenda on major constitutional issues. We do not believe that people should be born to rule, or that they should put up and shut up about decisions that affect their everyday lives. **{{cite web |title=Liz Truss speech at 1994 Liberal Democrat conference| date=20 September 1994 |url=https://www.gettyimages.co.uk/detail/video/liberal-democrats-conference-day-2-17-00-18-27-england-news-footage/1409915271 |website=Getty Images |access-date=21 July 2022}} === 2014 === *Two-thirds of the apples and nine-tenths of the pears that we eat are imported, not to mention two thirds of the cheese. And that is a disgrace. From the apple that dropped on Isaac Newton’s head to the orchards of nursery rhymes, this fruit has always been a part of Britain. I want our children to grow up enjoying the taste of British apples as well as Cornish sardines, Norfolk turkey, Melton Mowbray pork pies, Wensleydale cheese, Herefordshire pears and of course black pudding. **[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/conservative-conference-an-apple-a-day-is-good-for-the-economy-if-it-s-british-9762300.html Speech] delivered at the Conservative Party Conference (29 September 2014). === 2016 === *EU membership brings economic security, peace and stability **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-35980571 EU referendum: Government to spend £9m on leaflets to every home] ''BBC News'' (7 April 2016). *We should all raise a toast to our biggest export success. Europe has a taste for Scotch and the industry will do better if we remain in the EU because whisky producers have hassle-free, easy access to the single market of 500 million people. The Scotch whisky industry has strong global trade links beyond Europe in America and Asia, and their business leaders are clear that the EU single market provides the best conditions to reach even greater heights. Leaving the EU would be a leap in the dark for our great British food and drink industry and could lead to years of negotiations on new trade deals - with no guarantees at the end. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-scotland-business-36246718 Brexit 'risks Scotch whisky exports'] ''BBC News'' (9 May 2016). *What people in the Leave campaign are saying is 'We can have our cake and eat it'. We can't. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-36512743 EU referendum: Leavers 'want to have cake and eat it', Elizabeth Truss claims] ''BBC News'' (12 June 2016). *If we didn't have quotas there would be overfishing and we would have no fish left. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-36512743 EU referendum: Leavers 'want to have cake and eat it', Elizabeth Truss claims] ''BBC News'' (12 June 2016). *I would rather be at the table making decisions with other countries than walking away and not having a say. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-36512743 EU referendum: Leavers 'want to have cake and eat it', Elizabeth Truss claims] ''BBC News'' (12 June 2016). *I don't want my daughters to grow up in a world where they need a visa or permit to work in Europe, or where they are hampered from growing a business because of extortionate call costs and barriers to trade. Every parent wants their children to grow up in a healthy environment with clean water, fresh air and thriving natural wonders. Being part of the EU helps protect these precious resources and spaces. **{{cite news |url=https://www.standard.co.uk/news/politics/eu-referendum-liz-truss-leads-female-ministers-drive-for-women-to-vote-in-a3273351.html |title=EU referendum: Liz Truss leads female ministers' drive for women to vote In |author=Nicholas Cecil |work=Evening Standard |date=16 June 2016 |access-date=21 December 2021 |archive-date=28 June 2022 |archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20220628153244/https://www.standard.co.uk/news/politics/eu-referendum-liz-truss-leads-female-ministers-drive-for-women-to-vote-in-a3273351.html |url-status=live}} === 2017 === *The fact is it is a simple bill on whether we trigger Article 50. The British people have voted for that and was clear in the referendum. The House of Lords now needs to get on with it. I fully expect the House of Lords will recognise the will of the people and the House of Commons. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-39020252 Brexit: Mandelson urges Lords not to 'throw in towel'] ''BBC News'' (19 February 2017). === 2019 === * I voted against a delay to Brexit. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-47576813 Brexit: MPs vote by a majority of 211 to seek delay to EU departure] ''BBC News'' (14 March 2019). * The Brexit deal is the best deal for food producers **[https://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-6984377/You-forward-no-one-says-Tory-MP-Liz-Truss.html ‘You have to put yourself forward no one else will’] ''Daily Mail'' (12 May 2019). *If it came down to a straight choice of revoking Brexit and a no-deal, I would choose no-deal. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/topics/c8nq32jwj1qt/elizabeth-truss Elizabeth Truss] ''BBC News'' (15 May 2019). *[On no deal when leaving the EU] To say there are no plans for this and it would be a disaster is wrong, we are prepared for an exit on the 31st October. What we need now is to have the political leadership to follow through on that and I believe that Boris Johnson is the person capable of that political leadership and making that happen. **[https://www.heraldscotland.com/news/national-news/17724667.liz-truss-boris-campaign-job-prime-minister/ Speaking] on Radio 5 Live, cited by ''The Herald'' (Glasgow) (23 June 2019). *Is there anything more sexist than claiming your gender determines your worldview/behaviour/attitude? **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49321430 Brexit: Caroline Lucas criticised over all-female cabinet plan] ''BBC News'' (12 August 2019). *[The UK and South Korea trade agreement will let businesses] keep trading as they do today, and they will be able to take advantage of the opportunities that Brexit offers **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-49430207 UK and South Korea sign 'continuity' trade agreement] ''BBC News'' (22 August 2019). * I once wrote a book about this which got mischaracterised – British workers produce less per hour than … and that’s a combination of kind of skill and application.<br> [...] If you look at productivity, it’s very, very different in London from the rest of the country. But basically … this has been a historical fact for decades. Essentially it’s partly a mindset and attitude thing, I think. It’s working culture, basically. If you go to China it’s quite different, I can assure you<br>[...] There’s a fundamental issue of British working culture. Essentially, if we’re going to be a richer country and a more prosperous country, that needs to change. But I don’t think people are that keen to change that.<br>There’s a slight thing in Britain about wanting the easy answers. That’s my reflection on the election and what’s gone before it, and the referendum – we say it’s all Europe that’s causing these huge problems … it’s all these migrants causing these problems. But actually what needs to happen is more … more graft. It’s not a popular message. **[https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2022/aug/16/leaked-audio-reveals-liz-truss-said-british-workers-needed-more-graft From a leaked recording of a 2019 speech] quoted by Pippa Crerar in ''The Guardian'' (16 August 2022). === 2022 === *I feel like I’m a child of the union, I really believe we’re a family and we’re better together and I think the best thing to do with Nicola Sturgeon is ignore her. [...] She’s an attention seeker, that’s what she is. **[https://www.scotsman.com/news/politics/nicola-sturgeon-is-an-attention-seeker-best-ignored-claims-liz-truss-3789988 Comments in Exeter] in a discussion about an unconfirmed second Scottish independence referendum. Reported in ''The Scotsman'' (1 August 2022) *Q: You have supported a Prime Minister that has continually lied to the Queen, Parliament and the entire United Kingdom, therefore does this not bring into question your own personal integrity and honesty?<br>A: I don't agree with that. Boris Johnson has been an excellent prime minister. He delivered on Brexit. He delivered on the Covid vaccine and he delivered on standing up to Vladimir Putin and backing the Ukrainians. I am proud of what he did. **[https://www.telegraph.co.uk/politics/2022/08/17/liz-truss-rishi-sunak-tory-leadership-race-hustings-northern/ Question to Liz Truss] in Conservative leadership election hustings in Belfast, as quoted by ''The Telegraph'' (17 August 2022). *Q: President Macron, friend or foe? A: The jury’s out (applause) But if I become prime minister, I would judge him on deeds, not words **[https://www.itv.com/news/2022-08-25/liz-truss-says-jurys-out-on-whether-macron-is-friend-or-foe Question] asked by Julia Hartley-Brewer during hustings (25 August 2022) as reported by ITV News. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Truss, Liz}} [[Category:1975 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Government ministers]] [[Category:Politicians from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Members of the Parliament of the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Conservative Party (UK) politicians]] [[Category:Women politicians]] [[Category:British women]] [[Category:People from Oxford]] 450yaff9o7s8m9owlx1bigx5leauryg 3158102 3158101 2022-08-26T09:21:14Z Philip Cross 7192 /* 2022 */ ce wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Elizabeth Truss 2016.jpg|thumb|Liz Truss]] '''[[w:Liz Truss|Mary Elizabeth Truss]]''' (born 26 July 1975), known as '''Liz Truss''', is a British politician who has served as [[w:Foreign Secretary|Secretary of State for Foreign, Commonwealth and Development Affairs]] since September 2021. Previously she held posts as [[w:Secretary of State for International Trade|Secretary of State for International Trade]] and [[w:President of the Board of Trade|President of the Board of Trade]] from July 2019 in [[Boris Johnson]]'s cabinet. Following the resignation of [[Amber Rudd]], she gained the additional position as the [[w:Minister for Women and Equalities|Minister for Women and Equalities]] in September 2019. A member of the [[w:Conservative Party (UK)|Conservative Party]], she has been the [[w:Member of Parliament (United Kingdom)|Member of Parliament]] (MP) for [[w:South West Norfolk (UK Parliament constituency)|South West Norfolk]] since the [[w:2010 United Kingdom general election|2010 United Kingdom general election]]. Truss was [[w:Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs|Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs]] from 2014 to 2016, [[w:Secretary of State for Justice|Secretary of State for Justice]] and [[w:Lord Chancellor|Lord Chancellor]] from 2016 to 2017 and [[w:Chief Secretary to the Treasury|Chief Secretary to the Treasury]] from 2017 to 2019. In the [[w:2022 Conservative Party leadership election (UK)|2022 Conservative Party leadership election]], she is a candidate to succeed [[w:Boris Johnson|Boris Johnson]] as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom == Quotes == === 1994 === *I agree with [[Paddy Ashdown]] when he said everybody in Britain should have the chance to be a somebody. But only one family can provide the head of state. We Liberal Democrats believe in opportunity for all. We believe in fairness, common sense. We believe in referenda on major constitutional issues. We do not believe that people should be born to rule, or that they should put up and shut up about decisions that affect their everyday lives. **{{cite web |title=Liz Truss speech at 1994 Liberal Democrat conference| date=20 September 1994 |url=https://www.gettyimages.co.uk/detail/video/liberal-democrats-conference-day-2-17-00-18-27-england-news-footage/1409915271 |website=Getty Images |access-date=21 July 2022}} === 2014 === *Two-thirds of the apples and nine-tenths of the pears that we eat are imported, not to mention two thirds of the cheese. And that is a disgrace. From the apple that dropped on Isaac Newton’s head to the orchards of nursery rhymes, this fruit has always been a part of Britain. I want our children to grow up enjoying the taste of British apples as well as Cornish sardines, Norfolk turkey, Melton Mowbray pork pies, Wensleydale cheese, Herefordshire pears and of course black pudding. **[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/conservative-conference-an-apple-a-day-is-good-for-the-economy-if-it-s-british-9762300.html Speech] delivered at the Conservative Party Conference (29 September 2014). === 2016 === *EU membership brings economic security, peace and stability **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-35980571 EU referendum: Government to spend £9m on leaflets to every home] ''BBC News'' (7 April 2016). *We should all raise a toast to our biggest export success. Europe has a taste for Scotch and the industry will do better if we remain in the EU because whisky producers have hassle-free, easy access to the single market of 500 million people. The Scotch whisky industry has strong global trade links beyond Europe in America and Asia, and their business leaders are clear that the EU single market provides the best conditions to reach even greater heights. Leaving the EU would be a leap in the dark for our great British food and drink industry and could lead to years of negotiations on new trade deals - with no guarantees at the end. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-scotland-business-36246718 Brexit 'risks Scotch whisky exports'] ''BBC News'' (9 May 2016). *What people in the Leave campaign are saying is 'We can have our cake and eat it'. We can't. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-36512743 EU referendum: Leavers 'want to have cake and eat it', Elizabeth Truss claims] ''BBC News'' (12 June 2016). *If we didn't have quotas there would be overfishing and we would have no fish left. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-36512743 EU referendum: Leavers 'want to have cake and eat it', Elizabeth Truss claims] ''BBC News'' (12 June 2016). *I would rather be at the table making decisions with other countries than walking away and not having a say. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-36512743 EU referendum: Leavers 'want to have cake and eat it', Elizabeth Truss claims] ''BBC News'' (12 June 2016). *I don't want my daughters to grow up in a world where they need a visa or permit to work in Europe, or where they are hampered from growing a business because of extortionate call costs and barriers to trade. Every parent wants their children to grow up in a healthy environment with clean water, fresh air and thriving natural wonders. Being part of the EU helps protect these precious resources and spaces. **{{cite news |url=https://www.standard.co.uk/news/politics/eu-referendum-liz-truss-leads-female-ministers-drive-for-women-to-vote-in-a3273351.html |title=EU referendum: Liz Truss leads female ministers' drive for women to vote In |author=Nicholas Cecil |work=Evening Standard |date=16 June 2016 |access-date=21 December 2021 |archive-date=28 June 2022 |archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20220628153244/https://www.standard.co.uk/news/politics/eu-referendum-liz-truss-leads-female-ministers-drive-for-women-to-vote-in-a3273351.html |url-status=live}} === 2017 === *The fact is it is a simple bill on whether we trigger Article 50. The British people have voted for that and was clear in the referendum. The House of Lords now needs to get on with it. I fully expect the House of Lords will recognise the will of the people and the House of Commons. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-39020252 Brexit: Mandelson urges Lords not to 'throw in towel'] ''BBC News'' (19 February 2017). === 2019 === * I voted against a delay to Brexit. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-47576813 Brexit: MPs vote by a majority of 211 to seek delay to EU departure] ''BBC News'' (14 March 2019). * The Brexit deal is the best deal for food producers **[https://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-6984377/You-forward-no-one-says-Tory-MP-Liz-Truss.html ‘You have to put yourself forward no one else will’] ''Daily Mail'' (12 May 2019). *If it came down to a straight choice of revoking Brexit and a no-deal, I would choose no-deal. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/topics/c8nq32jwj1qt/elizabeth-truss Elizabeth Truss] ''BBC News'' (15 May 2019). *[On no deal when leaving the EU] To say there are no plans for this and it would be a disaster is wrong, we are prepared for an exit on the 31st October. What we need now is to have the political leadership to follow through on that and I believe that Boris Johnson is the person capable of that political leadership and making that happen. **[https://www.heraldscotland.com/news/national-news/17724667.liz-truss-boris-campaign-job-prime-minister/ Speaking] on Radio 5 Live, cited by ''The Herald'' (Glasgow) (23 June 2019). *Is there anything more sexist than claiming your gender determines your worldview/behaviour/attitude? **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49321430 Brexit: Caroline Lucas criticised over all-female cabinet plan] ''BBC News'' (12 August 2019). *[The UK and South Korea trade agreement will let businesses] keep trading as they do today, and they will be able to take advantage of the opportunities that Brexit offers **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-49430207 UK and South Korea sign 'continuity' trade agreement] ''BBC News'' (22 August 2019). * I once wrote a book about this which got mischaracterised – British workers produce less per hour than … and that’s a combination of kind of skill and application.<br> [...] If you look at productivity, it’s very, very different in London from the rest of the country. But basically … this has been a historical fact for decades. Essentially it’s partly a mindset and attitude thing, I think. It’s working culture, basically. If you go to China it’s quite different, I can assure you<br>[...] There’s a fundamental issue of British working culture. Essentially, if we’re going to be a richer country and a more prosperous country, that needs to change. But I don’t think people are that keen to change that.<br>There’s a slight thing in Britain about wanting the easy answers. That’s my reflection on the election and what’s gone before it, and the referendum – we say it’s all Europe that’s causing these huge problems … it’s all these migrants causing these problems. But actually what needs to happen is more … more graft. It’s not a popular message. **[https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2022/aug/16/leaked-audio-reveals-liz-truss-said-british-workers-needed-more-graft From a leaked recording of a 2019 speech] quoted by Pippa Crerar in ''The Guardian'' (16 August 2022). === 2022 === *I feel like I’m a child of the union, I really believe we’re a family and we’re better together and I think the best thing to do with Nicola Sturgeon is ignore her. [...] She’s an attention seeker, that’s what she is. **[https://www.scotsman.com/news/politics/nicola-sturgeon-is-an-attention-seeker-best-ignored-claims-liz-truss-3789988 Comments in Exeter] in a discussion about an unconfirmed second Scottish independence referendum. Reported in ''The Scotsman'' (1 August 2022) *Q: You have supported a Prime Minister that has continually lied to the Queen, Parliament and the entire United Kingdom, therefore does this not bring into question your own personal integrity and honesty?<br>A: I don't agree with that. Boris Johnson has been an excellent prime minister. He delivered on Brexit. He delivered on the Covid vaccine and he delivered on standing up to Vladimir Putin and backing the Ukrainians. I am proud of what he did. **[https://www.telegraph.co.uk/politics/2022/08/17/liz-truss-rishi-sunak-tory-leadership-race-hustings-northern/ Question to Liz Truss] in Conservative leadership election hustings in Belfast, as quoted by ''The Telegraph'' (17 August 2022). *Q: President Macron, friend or foe?<br>A: The jury’s out (applause). But if I become prime minister, I would judge him on deeds, not words. **[https://www.itv.com/news/2022-08-25/liz-truss-says-jurys-out-on-whether-macron-is-friend-or-foe Question] asked by Julia Hartley-Brewer during hustings (25 August 2022) as reported by ITV News. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Truss, Liz}} [[Category:1975 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Government ministers]] [[Category:Politicians from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Members of the Parliament of the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Conservative Party (UK) politicians]] [[Category:Women politicians]] [[Category:British women]] [[Category:People from Oxford]] itjxsky5pl60rmknlu9j53r0jkor975 3158103 3158102 2022-08-26T09:24:51Z Philip Cross 7192 /* 2022 */ ce wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Elizabeth Truss 2016.jpg|thumb|Liz Truss]] '''[[w:Liz Truss|Mary Elizabeth Truss]]''' (born 26 July 1975), known as '''Liz Truss''', is a British politician who has served as [[w:Foreign Secretary|Secretary of State for Foreign, Commonwealth and Development Affairs]] since September 2021. Previously she held posts as [[w:Secretary of State for International Trade|Secretary of State for International Trade]] and [[w:President of the Board of Trade|President of the Board of Trade]] from July 2019 in [[Boris Johnson]]'s cabinet. Following the resignation of [[Amber Rudd]], she gained the additional position as the [[w:Minister for Women and Equalities|Minister for Women and Equalities]] in September 2019. A member of the [[w:Conservative Party (UK)|Conservative Party]], she has been the [[w:Member of Parliament (United Kingdom)|Member of Parliament]] (MP) for [[w:South West Norfolk (UK Parliament constituency)|South West Norfolk]] since the [[w:2010 United Kingdom general election|2010 United Kingdom general election]]. Truss was [[w:Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs|Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs]] from 2014 to 2016, [[w:Secretary of State for Justice|Secretary of State for Justice]] and [[w:Lord Chancellor|Lord Chancellor]] from 2016 to 2017 and [[w:Chief Secretary to the Treasury|Chief Secretary to the Treasury]] from 2017 to 2019. In the [[w:2022 Conservative Party leadership election (UK)|2022 Conservative Party leadership election]], she is a candidate to succeed [[w:Boris Johnson|Boris Johnson]] as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom == Quotes == === 1994 === *I agree with [[Paddy Ashdown]] when he said everybody in Britain should have the chance to be a somebody. But only one family can provide the head of state. We Liberal Democrats believe in opportunity for all. We believe in fairness, common sense. We believe in referenda on major constitutional issues. We do not believe that people should be born to rule, or that they should put up and shut up about decisions that affect their everyday lives. **{{cite web |title=Liz Truss speech at 1994 Liberal Democrat conference| date=20 September 1994 |url=https://www.gettyimages.co.uk/detail/video/liberal-democrats-conference-day-2-17-00-18-27-england-news-footage/1409915271 |website=Getty Images |access-date=21 July 2022}} === 2014 === *Two-thirds of the apples and nine-tenths of the pears that we eat are imported, not to mention two thirds of the cheese. And that is a disgrace. From the apple that dropped on Isaac Newton’s head to the orchards of nursery rhymes, this fruit has always been a part of Britain. I want our children to grow up enjoying the taste of British apples as well as Cornish sardines, Norfolk turkey, Melton Mowbray pork pies, Wensleydale cheese, Herefordshire pears and of course black pudding. **[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/conservative-conference-an-apple-a-day-is-good-for-the-economy-if-it-s-british-9762300.html Speech] delivered at the Conservative Party Conference (29 September 2014). === 2016 === *EU membership brings economic security, peace and stability **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-35980571 EU referendum: Government to spend £9m on leaflets to every home] ''BBC News'' (7 April 2016). *We should all raise a toast to our biggest export success. Europe has a taste for Scotch and the industry will do better if we remain in the EU because whisky producers have hassle-free, easy access to the single market of 500 million people. The Scotch whisky industry has strong global trade links beyond Europe in America and Asia, and their business leaders are clear that the EU single market provides the best conditions to reach even greater heights. Leaving the EU would be a leap in the dark for our great British food and drink industry and could lead to years of negotiations on new trade deals - with no guarantees at the end. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-scotland-business-36246718 Brexit 'risks Scotch whisky exports'] ''BBC News'' (9 May 2016). *What people in the Leave campaign are saying is 'We can have our cake and eat it'. We can't. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-36512743 EU referendum: Leavers 'want to have cake and eat it', Elizabeth Truss claims] ''BBC News'' (12 June 2016). *If we didn't have quotas there would be overfishing and we would have no fish left. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-36512743 EU referendum: Leavers 'want to have cake and eat it', Elizabeth Truss claims] ''BBC News'' (12 June 2016). *I would rather be at the table making decisions with other countries than walking away and not having a say. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-36512743 EU referendum: Leavers 'want to have cake and eat it', Elizabeth Truss claims] ''BBC News'' (12 June 2016). *I don't want my daughters to grow up in a world where they need a visa or permit to work in Europe, or where they are hampered from growing a business because of extortionate call costs and barriers to trade. Every parent wants their children to grow up in a healthy environment with clean water, fresh air and thriving natural wonders. Being part of the EU helps protect these precious resources and spaces. **{{cite news |url=https://www.standard.co.uk/news/politics/eu-referendum-liz-truss-leads-female-ministers-drive-for-women-to-vote-in-a3273351.html |title=EU referendum: Liz Truss leads female ministers' drive for women to vote In |author=Nicholas Cecil |work=Evening Standard |date=16 June 2016 |access-date=21 December 2021 |archive-date=28 June 2022 |archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20220628153244/https://www.standard.co.uk/news/politics/eu-referendum-liz-truss-leads-female-ministers-drive-for-women-to-vote-in-a3273351.html |url-status=live}} === 2017 === *The fact is it is a simple bill on whether we trigger Article 50. The British people have voted for that and was clear in the referendum. The House of Lords now needs to get on with it. I fully expect the House of Lords will recognise the will of the people and the House of Commons. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-39020252 Brexit: Mandelson urges Lords not to 'throw in towel'] ''BBC News'' (19 February 2017). === 2019 === * I voted against a delay to Brexit. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-47576813 Brexit: MPs vote by a majority of 211 to seek delay to EU departure] ''BBC News'' (14 March 2019). * The Brexit deal is the best deal for food producers **[https://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-6984377/You-forward-no-one-says-Tory-MP-Liz-Truss.html ‘You have to put yourself forward no one else will’] ''Daily Mail'' (12 May 2019). *If it came down to a straight choice of revoking Brexit and a no-deal, I would choose no-deal. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/topics/c8nq32jwj1qt/elizabeth-truss Elizabeth Truss] ''BBC News'' (15 May 2019). *[On no deal when leaving the EU] To say there are no plans for this and it would be a disaster is wrong, we are prepared for an exit on the 31st October. What we need now is to have the political leadership to follow through on that and I believe that Boris Johnson is the person capable of that political leadership and making that happen. **[https://www.heraldscotland.com/news/national-news/17724667.liz-truss-boris-campaign-job-prime-minister/ Speaking] on Radio 5 Live, cited by ''The Herald'' (Glasgow) (23 June 2019). *Is there anything more sexist than claiming your gender determines your worldview/behaviour/attitude? **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49321430 Brexit: Caroline Lucas criticised over all-female cabinet plan] ''BBC News'' (12 August 2019). *[The UK and South Korea trade agreement will let businesses] keep trading as they do today, and they will be able to take advantage of the opportunities that Brexit offers **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-49430207 UK and South Korea sign 'continuity' trade agreement] ''BBC News'' (22 August 2019). * I once wrote a book about this which got mischaracterised – British workers produce less per hour than … and that’s a combination of kind of skill and application.<br> [...] If you look at productivity, it’s very, very different in London from the rest of the country. But basically … this has been a historical fact for decades. Essentially it’s partly a mindset and attitude thing, I think. It’s working culture, basically. If you go to China it’s quite different, I can assure you<br>[...] There’s a fundamental issue of British working culture. Essentially, if we’re going to be a richer country and a more prosperous country, that needs to change. But I don’t think people are that keen to change that.<br>There’s a slight thing in Britain about wanting the easy answers. That’s my reflection on the election and what’s gone before it, and the referendum – we say it’s all Europe that’s causing these huge problems … it’s all these migrants causing these problems. But actually what needs to happen is more … more graft. It’s not a popular message. **[https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2022/aug/16/leaked-audio-reveals-liz-truss-said-british-workers-needed-more-graft From a leaked recording of a 2019 speech] quoted by Pippa Crerar in ''The Guardian'' (16 August 2022). === 2022 === *I feel like I’m a child of the union, I really believe we’re a family and we’re better together and I think the best thing to do with Nicola Sturgeon is ignore her. [...] She’s an attention seeker, that’s what she is. **[https://www.scotsman.com/news/politics/nicola-sturgeon-is-an-attention-seeker-best-ignored-claims-liz-truss-3789988 Comments in Exeter] in a discussion about an unconfirmed second Scottish independence referendum. Reported in ''The Scotsman'' (1 August 2022) *Q: You have supported a Prime Minister that has continually lied to the Queen, Parliament and the entire United Kingdom, therefore does this not bring into question your own personal integrity and honesty?<br>A: I don't agree with that. Boris Johnson has been an excellent prime minister. He delivered on Brexit. He delivered on the Covid vaccine and he delivered on standing up to Vladimir Putin and backing the Ukrainians. I am proud of what he did. **[https://www.telegraph.co.uk/politics/2022/08/17/liz-truss-rishi-sunak-tory-leadership-race-hustings-northern/ Question to Liz Truss] in Conservative leadership election hustings in Belfast, as quoted by ''The Telegraph'' (17 August 2022). *Q: [[Emmanuel Macron|President Macron]], friend or foe?<br>A: The jury’s out (applause). But if I become prime minister, I would judge him on deeds, not words. **[https://www.itv.com/news/2022-08-25/liz-truss-says-jurys-out-on-whether-macron-is-friend-or-foe Question] asked by Julia Hartley-Brewer during hustings (25 August 2022) as reported by ITV News. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Truss, Liz}} [[Category:1975 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Government ministers]] [[Category:Politicians from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Members of the Parliament of the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Conservative Party (UK) politicians]] [[Category:Women politicians]] [[Category:British women]] [[Category:People from Oxford]] 7wbmicrb4w2q1k8n14fkzw7dihgibrn 0 221296 3157841 3141359 2022-08-25T14:13:07Z A23423413 3125316 /* External links */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:NLN Roxanne Dunbar Ortiz.jpg|thumb|Roxanne Dunbar-Ortiz]] '''[[w:Roxanne Dunbar-Ortiz|Roxanne Dunbar-Ortiz]]''' (born September 10, 1939) is an American historian, writer and feminist. == Quotes == * Teaching Native American studies, I always begin with a simple exercise. I ask students to quickly draw a rough outline of the United States at the time it gained independence from Britain. Invariably most draw the approximate present shape of the United States from the Atlantic to the Pacific-the continental territory not fully appropriated until a century after independence. What became independent in 1783 were the thirteen British colonies hugging the Atlantic shore. When called on this, students are embarrassed because they know better. I assure them that they are not alone. I call this a Rorschach test of unconscious 'manifest destiny,' embedded in the minds of nearly everyone in the United States and around the world. This test reflects the seeming inevitability of US extent and power, its destiny, with an implication that the continent had previously been a land without people ** ''An Indigenous Peoples’ History of the United States'' (2015) * I was also becoming more and more troubled by male chauvinism in the movement… Returning to the United States and organizing in the Boston area, I got angrier and angrier at men in the Students for a Democratic Society (SDS) and the anti-draft movement, the motto of which was, “Girls say yes to boys who say no.” I hadn’t felt oppressed so much directly, but of course I was, although I had been treated as a kind of “honorary” man. Once I started taking a feminist stand I got condemned. It was pretty hard to take at the time. And male chauvinism had terrible consequences for the women’s movement and for the development of the left, because it took some of the strongest feminists out of the Left and made the Left unwelcoming to newly politicized young women. ** On her early experiences as an activist in [https://isreview.org/issue/103/sense-hope-and-possibility-solidarity "A sense of hope and the possibility of solidarity"] in International Socialist Review * I think Marxism is a hard sell in the Native movement and for African Americans but less so for Mexican Americans because of their political genealogies. Today it’s even difficult for Chicanos, as well as Native Americans, because Marxism is deemed just Western epistemology or a Western worldview. There is of course a lot of Eurocentrism in Marx’s early writings. There is the idea of progress, but people don’t look at his later work enough, when he was getting into ethnology… ** On how people of color may receive Marxism in [https://isreview.org/issue/103/sense-hope-and-possibility-solidarity "A sense of hope and the possibility of solidarity"] in International Socialist Review * The left blames white nationalism. The right blames mental illness. Neither explains that it happens often here and nowhere else. But mass shootings account for a very small number of gun deaths: Many more women are killed in their home by guns. Men used to just knock women around, but rarely did death result. But with a gun on hand, there's a death. Half of the gun deaths are suicide. The proliferation of guns is a huge problem, but its cause is not lack of regulations. There were lots of regulations in the '70s when this started; going postal and school shootings started in the '70s. ** On how she views gun violence in the United States in [https://www.wweek.com/arts/books/2018/02/21/roxanne-dunbar-ortiz-the-second-amendment-is-almost-a-time-bomb-that-was-planted-in-the-constitution/ “Roxanne Dunbar-Ortiz: ‘The Second Amendment is Almost a Time Bomb That Was Planted in the Constitution’”] in Willamette Week (2018 Feb 21) * This rise of the Second Amendment is almost a time bomb that was planted in the Constitution. A mandate for the legality of settler violence and settler sovereignty. What's that right about? It's about taking all the property. They're a vestige, but they're very powerful. They have a voice in the presidency and in the Congress. ** On her view of the Second Amendment in [https://www.wweek.com/arts/books/2018/02/21/roxanne-dunbar-ortiz-the-second-amendment-is-almost-a-time-bomb-that-was-planted-in-the-constitution/ “Roxanne Dunbar-Ortiz: ‘The Second Amendment is Almost a Time Bomb That Was Planted in the Constitution’”] in Willamette Week (2018 Feb 21) == External links == {{Wikipedia}} *[https://twitter.com/rdunbaro Twitter page] {{DEFAULTSORT:Dunbar-Ortiz, Roxanne}} [[Category:Authors from the United States]] [[Category:Feminists]] [[Category:Historians from the United States]] [[Category:People from Oklahoma]] [[Category:1939 births]] [[Category:Living people]] j6lgd1lfkrwrebfef5eu5wf8u2wjfxm 3157845 3157841 2022-08-25T14:16:55Z A23423413 3125316 /* Quotes */ adds wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:NLN Roxanne Dunbar Ortiz.jpg|thumb|Roxanne Dunbar-Ortiz]] '''[[w:Roxanne Dunbar-Ortiz|Roxanne Dunbar-Ortiz]]''' (born September 10, 1939) is an American historian, writer and feminist. == Quotes == * Teaching Native American studies, I always begin with a simple exercise. I ask students to quickly draw a rough outline of the United States at the time it gained independence from Britain. Invariably most draw the approximate present shape of the United States from the Atlantic to the Pacific-the continental territory not fully appropriated until a century after independence. What became independent in 1783 were the thirteen British colonies hugging the Atlantic shore. When called on this, students are embarrassed because they know better. I assure them that they are not alone. I call this a Rorschach test of unconscious 'manifest destiny,' embedded in the minds of nearly everyone in the United States and around the world. This test reflects the seeming inevitability of US extent and power, its destiny, with an implication that the continent had previously been a land without people ** ''An Indigenous Peoples’ History of the United States'' (2015) * I was also becoming more and more troubled by male chauvinism in the movement… Returning to the United States and organizing in the Boston area, I got angrier and angrier at men in the Students for a Democratic Society (SDS) and the anti-draft movement, the motto of which was, “Girls say yes to boys who say no.” I hadn’t felt oppressed so much directly, but of course I was, although I had been treated as a kind of “honorary” man. Once I started taking a feminist stand I got condemned. It was pretty hard to take at the time. And male chauvinism had terrible consequences for the women’s movement and for the development of the left, because it took some of the strongest feminists out of the Left and made the Left unwelcoming to newly politicized young women. ** On her early experiences as an activist in [https://isreview.org/issue/103/sense-hope-and-possibility-solidarity "A sense of hope and the possibility of solidarity"] in International Socialist Review * I think Marxism is a hard sell in the Native movement and for African Americans but less so for Mexican Americans because of their political genealogies. Today it’s even difficult for Chicanos, as well as Native Americans, because Marxism is deemed just Western epistemology or a Western worldview. There is of course a lot of Eurocentrism in Marx’s early writings. There is the idea of progress, but people don’t look at his later work enough, when he was getting into ethnology… ** On how people of color may receive Marxism in [https://isreview.org/issue/103/sense-hope-and-possibility-solidarity "A sense of hope and the possibility of solidarity"] in International Socialist Review * The left blames white nationalism. The right blames mental illness. Neither explains that it happens often here and nowhere else. But mass shootings account for a very small number of gun deaths: Many more women are killed in their home by guns. Men used to just knock women around, but rarely did death result. But with a gun on hand, there's a death. Half of the gun deaths are suicide. The proliferation of guns is a huge problem, but its cause is not lack of regulations. There were lots of regulations in the '70s when this started; going postal and school shootings started in the '70s. ** On how she views gun violence in the United States in [https://www.wweek.com/arts/books/2018/02/21/roxanne-dunbar-ortiz-the-second-amendment-is-almost-a-time-bomb-that-was-planted-in-the-constitution/ “Roxanne Dunbar-Ortiz: ‘The Second Amendment is Almost a Time Bomb That Was Planted in the Constitution’”] in Willamette Week (2018 Feb 21) * This rise of the Second Amendment is almost a time bomb that was planted in the Constitution. A mandate for the legality of settler violence and settler sovereignty. What's that right about? It's about taking all the property. They're a vestige, but they're very powerful. They have a voice in the presidency and in the Congress. ** On her view of the Second Amendment in [https://www.wweek.com/arts/books/2018/02/21/roxanne-dunbar-ortiz-the-second-amendment-is-almost-a-time-bomb-that-was-planted-in-the-constitution/ “Roxanne Dunbar-Ortiz: ‘The Second Amendment is Almost a Time Bomb That Was Planted in the Constitution’”] in Willamette Week (2018 Feb 21) * I was an anti-war, civil rights and women’s liberation activist during the 1960s while a graduate student at UCLA. It was actually my dissertation research that led me to involvement in the American Indian Movement and the International Indian Treaty Council in 1974. ** [https://www.indianz.com/News/2015/02/09/interview-author-roxanne-dunba.asp Interview] (2015) * (Thanksgiving has) never been about honoring Native Americans. It’s been about the origin story of the United States, the beginning of genocide, dispossession and constant warfare from that time—actually, from 1607 in Jamestown—until the present. It’s a colonial system that was set up. ** [https://www.democracynow.org/2016/11/23/historian_roxanne_dunbar_ortiz_on_thanksgiving Interview] (2016) * Why celebrate Columbus? It was the onset of colonialism, the slave trade and dispossession of the Native people of the Americas. So, that is celebrated with a federal holiday. That’s followed then by Thanksgiving, which is a completely made-up story to say the Native people welcomed these people who were going to devastate their civilizations, which is simply a lie. And then you go to Presidents’ Days, the Founding Fathers, in February, and celebrate these slaveowners, Indian killers. George Washington headed the Virginia militia for the very purpose of killing Native people on the periphery of the colony, before, you know, when it was still a Virginia colony. And then we have the big day, the fireworks, July 4th, independence, which is probably the most tragic event in world history, because it gave us—it gave the world a genocidal regime under the guise of democracy. And that’s really the—I’m a historian, so that’s the historical context that I think we have to see Thanksgiving in, that it is a part of that mythology that attempts to cover up the real history of the United States. ** [https://www.democracynow.org/2016/11/23/historian_roxanne_dunbar_ortiz_on_thanksgiving Interview] (2016) ===[https://www.democracynow.org/2021/10/11/indigenous_peoples_day Interview] with Democracy Now (2021)=== * it was Berkeley that first recognized Indigenous Peoples’ Day in 1992 during the quincentennial. San Francisco came, I think, about five or six years later. But Berkeley — you know, things start in Berkeley. People think they’re crazy there, and then suddenly it’s everywhere. * I never thought I would see it, you know, in the 1960s or '70s. It didn't seem like there would ever be any questioning of the role of Columbus. But it will be a long struggle still. It’s just not appropriate to celebrate Columbus and Indigenous peoples on the same day. It’s a contradiction. One is a genocidal enslavement, is what Columbus represents. And the situation of Native people today, still under colonialism, with shrunken land bases and not true sovereignty, is the fruit of that beginning, and they’re completely contradictory. * (JFK) was Catholic and a child of Irish immigrants, and this had never happened before, president that was not Anglo-Saxon or Scots-Irish and descended from the original settlers. So he had quite a hill to climb to make himself palatable. * there was no Italy — Columbus was from Genoa, a city-state. He died in Spain. So, you know, it’s a very weak link to Italianness. And, of course, Italians have such illustrious people they can celebrate, that everyone celebrates — Michelangelo, Vivaldi and, of course, for us on the left, Sacco and Vanzetti. ===[https://towardfreedom.org/story/archives/americas/roots-of-resistance-an-interview-with-roxanne-dunbar-ortiz/ Interview] (2008)=== * Thanks to the inspiration of [[Elizabeth Martinez]], who founded and published El Grito del Norte in Española, New Mexico, during the late 1960s and early 1970s, I decided to write my doctoral dissertation on the history of land tenure in northern New Mexico. Only through understanding history and land, I believed, could the present be understood. * Simon J. Ortiz, writer and poet; Petuuche Gilbert; and Maurus Chino of Acoma Pueblo have given me insights into and understanding of the Pueblo Indian perspective. In fact, they have untiringly educated me in hopes that my work would be useful for their people. * U.S. leftists do not want to really acknowledge that they live within not only an imperialist state, but also one founded on being a colonizing state. Actually, indigenous land struggles had never stopped in the United States; social activists and leftists had little interest in Indians, and their struggles were simply not publicized, but beginning in the late 1950s they became more frequent and more widespread and began to be noticed, leading up to the Wounded Knee uprising in 1973. * U.S. activists are always enthusiastic about and do solidarity work for agrarian uprisings in Latin America, such as the Zapatistas and the previous national liberation movements that had agrarian reform/revolution as their bases. But, they have not taken the time and made the commitment to understand indigenous and other agrarian struggles in the United States. Even the Civil Rights Movement in the South was weakened by not taking up the issue of land, and when voting rights were achieved organizers fled north and west to work in urban areas. * I think the best place to start in developing solidarity with indigenous and other land struggles is the work being done at the international level, mostly in the United Nations system. == External links == {{Wikipedia}} *[https://twitter.com/rdunbaro Twitter page] {{DEFAULTSORT:Dunbar-Ortiz, Roxanne}} [[Category:Authors from the United States]] [[Category:Feminists]] [[Category:Historians from the United States]] [[Category:People from Oklahoma]] [[Category:1939 births]] [[Category:Living people]] kuo8o4uz3v4msk63ee82vo4i2f6jn3i 0 221302 3157847 2882333 2022-08-25T14:29:25Z A23423413 3125316 /* Quotes */ adds wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Nell Irvin Painter|Nell Irvin Painter]]''' (born '''Nell Elizabeth Irvin''' August 2, 1942) is an American historian. == Quotes == * Visual art is very freeing, because it answers only to the eye. ** On exploring painting in [https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/this-new-and-old-artist-offers-a-self-portrait-in-starting-over “This new and ‘old’ artist offers a self-portrait in starting over”] in PBS News Hour (2018 Jul 23) * This was a new definition. I think there's room in our culture for interesting people who are black and for interesting people who are female and interesting people who are black and female. There's hardly any room to be interesting if you're old. ** On embarking on a second career as a painter and how age might hinder being perceived as interesting in [https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/this-new-and-old-artist-offers-a-self-portrait-in-starting-over “This new and ‘old’ artist offers a self-portrait in starting over”] in PBS News Hour (2018 Jul 23) * It hasn't come together finally. There's no end to this, and it changes over time. My relationship with history as I used to write it, and as I sometimes use it in my work — that was something that took several years, actually, for me to feel comfortable with. And as I continued to wrestle with it and to deal with it visually, it's that I can do whatever I want to the figure; I can do whatever I want with history… ** On the freedom that the visual arts give her versus historical research in [https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/this-new-and-old-artist-offers-a-self-portrait-in-starting-over “This new and ‘old’ artist offers a self-portrait in starting over”] in PBS News Hour (2018 Jul 23) * I think that’s the kind of relationship between recognition and black women. That you have to be an optimist to think something’s going to work out and just keep trying because if you concentrate on the really awful actual facts of life, then you’ll just crawl into bed and pull the covers over your head. ** On Black women being recognized in [https://madamenoire.com/263922/my-conversation-with-legendary-historian-artist-nell-painter-a-must-read-interview-for-black-women/ “My Conversation With Legendary Historian & Artist Nell Painter: A Must Read Interview For Black Women”] in Madame Noire (2013 Feb 28) * Our search for understanding in matters of race automatically inclines us toward blackness. ** "What is Whiteness?" ''New York Times'' June 20, 2015 ===[https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=124700316 Interview] with NPR (2010)=== * The whole point of defining races is mostly to put people down, and so those needs change over time. * the census keeps counting us by race for purposes of undoing racial harm in the past. * We still have slavery in the world today. and two of the areas pinpointed for slavery are Latin America, notably Brazil, and Eastern Asia. * before desegregation, before the Civil Rights Act of 1964, all those laws, exclusionary laws, were meant to keep Negroes out. * I live in Newark, which was heavily - actually bulldozed in the 1960s in urban renewal. And we think of urban renewal as harming black people, which of course it did, but it also hit some other vulnerable people, and Italian-American neighborhoods also got it. * the idea of beauty being white, that is another enlightenment idea, actually, an 18th-century idea by another German, named Winckelmann, who's the father of art history * What has changed in the 21st century is that what we think of as class privilege can go a long way in blunting the color phobia * just because you say that things in the 21 century are not the same as they were in the 20th century, doesnt mean that you're saying that we're in a post-racial society. We are not in a post-racial society, but things are not like they were in the age of segregation or slavery. * we discover through genetics or the genome or through culture, through migration and so forth, anthropology that racist dont exist, biologically, that you can't box people up in little boxes according to race. == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Painter, Nell Irvin}} [[Category:Historians from the United States]] [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:Essayists from the United States]] [[Category:Artists from the United States]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Academics from the United States]] [[Category:1942 births]] [[Category:Living people]] etjrflljzf573eca8gireyngcpw1jrw 3157849 3157847 2022-08-25T14:31:31Z A23423413 3125316 /* External links */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Nell Irvin Painter|Nell Irvin Painter]]''' (born '''Nell Elizabeth Irvin''' August 2, 1942) is an American historian. == Quotes == * Visual art is very freeing, because it answers only to the eye. ** On exploring painting in [https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/this-new-and-old-artist-offers-a-self-portrait-in-starting-over “This new and ‘old’ artist offers a self-portrait in starting over”] in PBS News Hour (2018 Jul 23) * This was a new definition. I think there's room in our culture for interesting people who are black and for interesting people who are female and interesting people who are black and female. There's hardly any room to be interesting if you're old. ** On embarking on a second career as a painter and how age might hinder being perceived as interesting in [https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/this-new-and-old-artist-offers-a-self-portrait-in-starting-over “This new and ‘old’ artist offers a self-portrait in starting over”] in PBS News Hour (2018 Jul 23) * It hasn't come together finally. There's no end to this, and it changes over time. My relationship with history as I used to write it, and as I sometimes use it in my work — that was something that took several years, actually, for me to feel comfortable with. And as I continued to wrestle with it and to deal with it visually, it's that I can do whatever I want to the figure; I can do whatever I want with history… ** On the freedom that the visual arts give her versus historical research in [https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/this-new-and-old-artist-offers-a-self-portrait-in-starting-over “This new and ‘old’ artist offers a self-portrait in starting over”] in PBS News Hour (2018 Jul 23) * I think that’s the kind of relationship between recognition and black women. That you have to be an optimist to think something’s going to work out and just keep trying because if you concentrate on the really awful actual facts of life, then you’ll just crawl into bed and pull the covers over your head. ** On Black women being recognized in [https://madamenoire.com/263922/my-conversation-with-legendary-historian-artist-nell-painter-a-must-read-interview-for-black-women/ “My Conversation With Legendary Historian & Artist Nell Painter: A Must Read Interview For Black Women”] in Madame Noire (2013 Feb 28) * Our search for understanding in matters of race automatically inclines us toward blackness. ** "What is Whiteness?" ''New York Times'' June 20, 2015 ===[https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=124700316 Interview] with NPR (2010)=== * The whole point of defining races is mostly to put people down, and so those needs change over time. * the census keeps counting us by race for purposes of undoing racial harm in the past. * We still have slavery in the world today. and two of the areas pinpointed for slavery are Latin America, notably Brazil, and Eastern Asia. * before desegregation, before the Civil Rights Act of 1964, all those laws, exclusionary laws, were meant to keep Negroes out. * I live in Newark, which was heavily - actually bulldozed in the 1960s in urban renewal. And we think of urban renewal as harming black people, which of course it did, but it also hit some other vulnerable people, and Italian-American neighborhoods also got it. * the idea of beauty being white, that is another enlightenment idea, actually, an 18th-century idea by another German, named Winckelmann, who's the father of art history * What has changed in the 21st century is that what we think of as class privilege can go a long way in blunting the color phobia * just because you say that things in the 21 century are not the same as they were in the 20th century, doesnt mean that you're saying that we're in a post-racial society. We are not in a post-racial society, but things are not like they were in the age of segregation or slavery. * we discover through genetics or the genome or through culture, through migration and so forth, anthropology that racist dont exist, biologically, that you can't box people up in little boxes according to race. == External links == {{Wikipedia}} * [http://www.nellpainter.com/ Personal website] * [https://twitter.com/painternell Twitter page] {{DEFAULTSORT:Painter, Nell Irvin}} [[Category:Historians from the United States]] [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:Essayists from the United States]] [[Category:Artists from the United States]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Academics from the United States]] [[Category:1942 births]] [[Category:Living people]] qswz1wbk0qm02d0uorcriv3w6zncsqk 0 222035 3157967 3083813 2022-08-25T22:21:46Z Marium Alberto 3074837 + wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Prime Minister Sanna Marin 2022.jpg|thumb|Sanna Marin, Prime Minister of Finland (2022)]] [[w: Sanna Marin|'''Sanna Marin''']] (born 16 November 1985) is a Finnish politician who has been the [[w:Prime Minister of Finland|Prime Minister of Finland]] since 10 December 2019. Upon her confirmation by Parliament, Marin became, at age 34, both the world's youngest currently-serving prime minister and Finland's youngest-ever prime minister. A [[w:Social Democratic Party of Finland|Social Democrat]], she has been member of the [[w:Parliament of Finland|Parliament of Finland]] since 2015. {{political-stub}} {{women-stub}} ==Quotes== *We have a lot of work to do to rebuild trust... I have never thought about my age or gender. I think of the reasons I got into politics and those things for which we have won the trust of the electorate. **[https://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-50709422 Finnish minister Sanna Marin, 34, to become world's youngest PM,]''BBC News'', (9 December 2019) * This war (by Russia) against a sovereign European nation (Ukraine) puts the [[Europe]]an [[security]] order at risk. In this changing security environment, [[Finland]] and [[Sweden]] will further enhance their cooperation. ** Sanna Marin (2022) cited in: "[https://www.euractiv.com/section/politics/short_news/swedish-pm-hesitant-about-nato-referendum/ Swedish PM hesitant about NATO referendum]" in ''Euractiv'', 7 March 2022. ==Quotes about Sanna Marin== *Media reports say Sanna Marin was raised in a "rainbow family", living in a rented apartment with her mother and her mother's female partner... But she said her mother had always been supportive and made her believe she could do anything she wanted. She was the first person in her family to go to university. **[https://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-50709422 Finnish minister Sanna Marin, 34, to become world's youngest PM,]''BBC News'', (9 December 2019) == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Marin, Sanna}} [[Category:Politicians from Finland]] [[Category:Heads of government]] [[Category:Social democrats]] [[Category:Women politicians]] [[Category:1985 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Helsinki]] spwlyvqmx9l9jwxapk95tbenkh1g7ga 0 223236 3157867 3155840 2022-08-25T16:04:40Z 142.134.216.72 /* Joker: The Killing Vote [3.06] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Harley Quinn (TV series)|Harley Quinn]]''''' is an American adult animated web television series based on the Harley Quinn character created by Paul Dini and Bruce Timm. ==Season 1== ===Til Death Do Us Part [1.01]=== :'''Man''': ''[Gentlemen]!'' My fellow whites. Let's raise a glass to this pyramid of [[w:money|money]], the foundation of which was built upon our favorite pastime: Fucking the poor! <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': ''[excitedly]'' Is this the good kinda acid that gives you superpowers?! :'''The Riddler''': No! :'''Harley Quinn''': Awwww... <hr width=50%> :'''Poison Ivy''': Just stopped by to check up on ya, but I see you're doin' great, I'm gonna pick up some Thai food, text me what you want, okay? :'''Harley Quinn''': Oh, no, wait! I'll have a green potato curry. :'''Poison Ivy''': Yeah, but I mean-I just-just text it to me. :'''Harley Quinn''': But you're right here. :'''Poison Ivy''': Yeah, but then I'm not going to remember what you want, and you won't like what I get you, and you're gonna want some of mine. Just-just fuckin' text it. ===A High Bar [1.02]=== :'''The Joker''': I need a permit for a trap door? The whole point is no one is supposed to know about it! Especially the city. <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': I know it's you Scarecrow,Two-Face,other half of Two-Face,Bane. ''[Two-Face and Scarecrow laughs at Harley's imitation of Bane]'' :'''Bane''': ''[annoyed]'' I'm going to blow up this Bar Mitzvah! ===So You Need a Crew? [1.03]=== :'''Harley Quinn''': I need a [[w:sexual intercourse|fucking]] crew!''' :'''Poison Ivy''': No you need a [[w:shower|shower]]. <hr width=50%> :'''Dr. Psycho''': [''fighting Wonder Woman''] OW! That really hurt, you c*nt! :[''everything, including the Earth itself, comes to a shocked standstill''] :'''Poison Ivy''': [''watching the fight on TV''] Holy shit! <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': ''[To Maxie Zeus]'' Ah, Got it. So you're just a creepy [[w:penis|dick]], I'm not fucking you. <hr width=50%> :'''Clayface''': The name is Clayface, thespian extraordinaire recently portraying the juicy role of country boy bartending in the big city! :'''Dr. Psycho''': I thought you were playing the role of literal piece of [[w:feces|shit]]. :'''Clayface''': Not yet. ''[transforms into Doctor Psycho]'' NOW I'm a literal piece of shit! <hr width=50%> :'''Dr. Psycho''': So who do you need me to mind-control to open the door? :'''Harley Quinn''': No, no. No one. Just squeeze into the crawlspace, get into the house, and open it from the inside. :'''Dr. Psycho''': Are you shitting me? I'm a genius telepath! Why're you wasting me on THIS? :'''Harley Quinn''': You're the only thing small enough to fit! :'''Dr. Psycho''': Got it. Sonofabitch! <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': Then they all ran off with that loser Kite Man! :'''Poison Ivy''': Yeah, what a loser that guy is. Did he mention my name? <hr width=50%> :'''Poison Ivy''': Holy fucking shit, Harls. You did it. I would not have seen that coming. ===Finding Mr. Right [1.04]=== :'''Superman''': Is she mad about the paywall too? $7.99 is an ambitious price point, and it doesn't include the crossword, which is ridic. <hr width=50%> :'''Poison Ivy''': Harley! You can't kill him. :'''Harley Quinn''': You don't think I can kill a 12 year old?! Oh, okay. Well, I will smash in his face with a [[w:Baseball bat|bat]] like a [[w:watermelon|WATERMELON]]! <hr width=50%> :'''Lois Lane''': I don't retract articles and I definitely not writing a puff piece about... What was your headline? <hr width=50%> :'''The Joker''': Harley! What the fuck do you think you're doing? Are you trying to steal my Batman? <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': Robin's lying. Why would I fight a kid? I want a nemesis with some hair on their chest! :'''Poison Ivy''': ''[snorts in amusement]'' Well, that rules out Batman. Catwoman says he waxes everything. <hr width=50%> :'''Dr. Psycho''': Last week I was in the fucking Legion of Doom and now THIS is my life! <hr width=50%> :'''Poison Ivy''': You can't fuck with Lois Lane, people. <hr width=50%> :'''Batman''': I'm gonna say something embarrassing here. I didn't have a nemesis until... my late twenties. :'''Robin''': Don't patronize me, father, it's unbecoming. :'''Batman''': It's true. I wasn't ready for one. You want your first nemesis to be special. Someone that you can see being your nemesis for the rest of your life. :'''Robin''': I suppose you're right, father... When can I start having sex? :'''Batman''': I... think I hear the bat-signal. ''[grappling-hooks away]'' ===Being Harley Quinn [1.05]=== :'''Harley Quinn''': Hey, Ive, I think there's something really screwed up about me. :'''Poison Ivy''': I wanna say this in just the most loving way, but there's ''no'' way that this is just occurring to you now. <hr width=50%> :'''King Shark''': Sorry you didn't get that mack-in-a you were talkin' about—but at least that guy showed up outta nowhere to save us for no reason! <hr width=50%> :'''Dr. Psycho''': Now everyone hold hands and squeeze your butt cheeks together. ===You're a Damn Good Cop, Jim Gordon [1.06]=== :'''Giganta''': You think I care about you or your jolly green whore? :'''Poison Ivy''': Okay, I'm standing right here. :'''Giganta''': I don't have time to give some review. I'm too busy getting cunnilingus from my new boyfriend Brad, who's amazing at it! :'''Dr. Psycho''': [''scoffs''] Only weak men do that. [''Brad uses his tongue to sculpt a statue from ice cream''] Oh, fucking hell! :'''Poison Ivy''': [''impressed''] Call me. <hr width=50%> :'''Poison Ivy''': Quick side bar. How did ''this [i.e. being married to Giganta]'' work...sexually? :'''Dr. Psycho''': Not great! <hr width=50%> :'''Dr. Psycho''': [''rides an invisible motorcycle from a skyscraper''] I am a golden god! <hr width=50%> :'''Poison Ivy''': I don't understand your obsession with the Legion of Doom. They are actual pieces of shit. :'''Harley Quinn''': Obviously! But those pieces of shit were the only people Joker respected. I'll never match up to him unless I'm in the Legion too. :'''Poison Ivy''': So let me get this straight: you're not over your ex, and you want to throw your success in his face. :'''Harley Quinn''': Exactly! :'''Poison Ivy''': Honestly, that might be the most relatable thing you've ever said. <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': [''Looking around Batman's Batcave as she dangles from the ceiling''] So this must be where you fuck the bats. <hr width=50%> :'''Dr. Psycho''': [''to Harley''] Can you please fire me now so I can get some unemployment? <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': We're gonna rob Bruce Wayne! ===The Line [1.07]=== :'''Poison Ivy''': First of all, I care about the environment. Okay, I don't know what about that makes me a bad guy. :'''Harley Quinn''': Yeah, says the girl who dissolved the head of Ace Chemicals in a bath of his own herbicide. :'''Poison Ivy''': Best Earth Day ever. <hr width=50%> :'''Queen of Fables''': You know, no one ever talks about it, but it's almost impossible to get brain out of a cape. <hr width=50%> :'''Queen of Fables''': You fucked up, Harley :'''Harley Quinn''': You know, I do a lot of that, so you're going to have to be more specific. <hr width=50%> :'''Jason Praxis''': My cousin twice removed... completely removed. ===L.O.D.R.S.V.P. [1.08]=== :'''King Shark''': You're not my Dad! :'''Aquaman''': That is contrary to what she said. <hr width=50%> :[''Aquaman breaks a fish tank in a fight, causing the fish to splash all over the floor''] :'''Bane''': Look! I am stomping on your fish! :'''Aquaman''': Bane, stop it! :''[Aquaman picks up as much sealife as he can]'' :'''Harley Quinn''': Hey, there's a YMCA pool down the street! :'''Aquaman''': Oh, yeah, yeah! "Just throw saltwater fish into a chlorinated pool! Water's water, I guess!" Come on! What are you, four? <hr width=50%/> :'''Poison Ivy''': Hey, buddy, now that you're done kissing your own asshole... :'''Lex Luthor''': That's not a phrase. <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': So you got a fish tank and you do improv? :'''Poison Ivy''': Wow, you're my shitty college boyfriend. <hr width=50%> :'''Poison Ivy''': Is that what it stands for? I thought it was Legion of Dildos. :'''Lex Luthor''': That is a sex shop down the street with whom we're currently in a protracted legal battle. <hr width=50%> :'''Poison Ivy''': Did someone call for...kelp? ===A Seat at the Table [1.09]=== :'''Bane''': I wish they would make another Up movie. :'''Lex Luthor''': They can’t! The story was over at the end of the first. :'''Scarecrow''': Unless... the kid is the old man in the sequel. :'''Bane''': Oh, that’s fun! That’s a good one! <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': When my mind is set, it is set. Hell, they blew out three electricshock machines at Arkham trying to get through to me. <hr width=50%> :'''The Joker''': You know, everyone remembers me for the big crimes. The murders, the cripplings. But it's the little ones that keep me going. <hr width=50%> :'''King Shark''': Instead of a boy, it's a fish, and instead of a wolf... :'''Harley Quinn''': It's an orca. :'''King Shark''': No! It's a wolf named Orca. But it can swim, which is terrifying! <hr width=50%> :'''Clayface''': What did you say to Black Manta to elicit such rage? :'''Dr. Psycho''': Nothing racist... <hr width=50%> :'''Bane''': What is taking your shark friend so long to plant the bomb? :'''Dr. Psycho''': Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's because he's a shark and not a demolitions expert! <hr width=50%> :'''Poison Ivy''': You're in a pot, Frank. I'd have to carry you. :'''Frank the Plant''': So what? I carry you emotionally. <hr width=50%> :'''Clayface''': They put us in the goon pool. :'''Harley Quinn''': Ooh, that sounds fun. :'''Dr. Psycho''': Fun? It's not the fun kind of pool! <hr width=50%> :'''Bane''': Is your card... the three of clubs? :'''Harley Quinn''': No. :'''Bane''': Fuck. <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': I know you were just trying to protect me and, listen, I'm gonna do the same thing for you. Ok, just cause I'm a card carrying member of the Legion of Doom now... :'''Poison Ivy''': Fuck that place in the ass! <hr width=50%> :'''Lex Luthor''': This is where we get approval for the use of Legion resources like goons and getaway cars... :'''Bane''': And 'splosions! :'''Lex Luthor''': I have no idea what the fuck "'splosions" are, Bane! But we do have ''explosives''. <hr width=50%> :'''Bane''': The streets will run with razzy zazzy! ===Bensonhust [1.10]=== :'''Harley Quinn''': How much of this am I hallucinating? :'''Dr. Harleen Quinzel''': Just me. Weirdly, the passed-out guy with the boner and the talking plant driving a car are both real. <hr width=50%> :'''Bane''': The credit card is for emergencies only, but your bill is all candies and vape pens and something suspiciously labelled "dolphin encounter"! When you put out a hit, you pay in cash! :'''Joshua Cobblepot''': Okay, fine, I'll cancel it! :'''Bane''': Already done, because I am this credit card's reckoning! I am cutting this card, and I am cutting it in half— ''[tries cutting the card in half with childproof scissors]'' ...These blades are dull. I will bend it! :'''Joshua Cobblepot''': Don't do that! :'''Bane''': Too late! Do you think I want to be "Credit Card Paying Man"? I have dreams, too! <hr width=50%> :'''Bane''': You could blow them up. :'''Harley Quinn''': Ehh, not really my thing. :'''Bane''': I could blow them up. <hr width=50%> :'''Frank the Plant''': People shit on the WNBA, but I'm a purist. Get those dunks the fuck out my face. Gimme a nice crisp bounce pass. That's my shit. I'm all about the fundamentals. <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': He broke every promise he ever made! :'''Sharon Quinzel''': And he apologized for that and made a whole bunch of new ones. ===Harley Quinn Highway [1.11]=== :'''Scarecrow''': Tsk tsk tsk. Trying to escape on surgery day. Don't worry, insurance will cover it. ''[beat]'' ...Obviously that was a joke; insurance would never cover this. I-I think we can all agree they're the real villains, yeah? :'''Poison Ivy''': I would agree with tha— ''[gets sedated]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Clayface''': Good thinking, old chum, knowing I would clog up its gears but it wouldn't kill me. :'''Dr. Psycho''': Yeah, that was, uh, that was definitely a thing I knew. <hr width=50%> :'''Poison Ivy''': Who the fuck braided my hair? :'''Sy Borgman''': Eh, I was bored. <hr width=50%> :'''Mook''': She has no powers now, she's just a helpless woman! :'''Poison Ivy''': Uh, who still has hands! [''picks up a gun and shoots him''] And the goddamn Second Amendment! <hr width=50%> :[''Clayface throws up clay, and reabsorbs the clay back into himself''] :'''King Shark''': I do not know how you can live with yourself. <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': Gentleman--and Psycho--begin Phase 2. <hr width=50%> :'''King Shark''': That was incredibly violent. I did not realize there was so much stuff inside a tree. <hr width=50%> :'''Frank the Plant''': Everybody feel that pucker in your asshole? That means shit is about to get real. <hr width=50%> :'''Frank the Plant''': [''to Harley''] Where'd you learn to give a speech? You put your thesis statement at the motherfuckin' top. <hr width=50%> :''[The crew discovers that Ivy's biggest fear is... Harley?]'' :'''Frank the Plant''': Oh, shit! :'''Clayface''': Dear God. We're [[The Empire Strikes Back|''Empire Strikes Back'']]-ing it! :'''Frank the Plant''': You're her biggest fear? I did ''not'' see that coming. That's some [[w:M. Night Shyamalan|M. Night Shyamalama]] shit! ===Devil's Snare [1.12]=== :''' Poison Ivy''': We didn't do it. We aren't responsible for the tree monsters. I secretly watch NASCAR. I take long showers. I think paper straws are stupid and get too soggy. I was excited for Jazz Fest. ''[cries out in agony as the lasso glows]'' Fine. I was very excited for Jazz Fest! <hr width=50%> :'''Clayface:''' I know what we need! An idea! ... Anybody got one? <hr width=50%> :'''Clayface''': Oy! Bubbeh, it is I, Grandfather Wolf! :'''Dr. Psycho''': Okay. First, that's a male wolf, dressed like an elderly human female. Second, why is your wolf Jewish? :'''Clayface''': ...I took a swing. <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': Nice save, Jerk-Off League! :'''Superman''': That's not our name at all. <hr width=50%> :[''Ivy becomes a giant''] :'''Dr. Psycho''': [''gets excited''] Thirty dollars if you put me in your pocket! [''everyone stares at him''] What? I got a type. You knew this. <hr width=50%> :'''Poison Ivy''': You know what? You're really taking the romance out of it when you just call it "my plant control thing". <hr width=50%> :'''King Shark''': Uh, I hate to be a downer, but we are completely and utterly screwed. Oh, I wore that well. Umm, maybe I don't hate being a downer. Ooh, maybe I shouldn't feel so much pressure to put a positive spin on things. <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': All right, everybody, back in the tank. If you need to pee, now's your chance. <hr width=50%> :'''King Shark''': People ask me who would win between a wolf and a shark. [''spits out a bone''] It's a shark. <hr width=50%> :'''Queen of Fables''': Word of advice: don't smell Rapunzel's hair. Ain't no shower in that tower. ===The Final Joke [1.13]=== :'''The Joker''': [''after throwing Harley into acid''] Wait a minute. Did anyone hear a splash? I've fallen in acid enough times to know that there should be a splash. <hr width=50%> :'''Batman''': I work alone. :'''Commissioner Gordon''': What about me? :'''Batman''': Not now, Jim. <hr width=50%> :'''The Joker''': Now I know Batman is just some boring rich asshole with parental issues. :'''Batman''': That's really reductive. <hr width=50%> :'''The Joker''': What is wrong with me? :'''Batman''': You're a sociopathic narcissist! :'''The Joker''': It was rhetorical, asshole! And who do you think you are, a psychiatrist? <hr width=50%> :'''The Joker''': WayneTech promised an electric car by this year! I put a deposit down! Where's my goddamn electric car, Bruce? <hr width=50%> :'''King Shark''': Harley, a few words? :[''Harley stifles back her tears''] :'''Clayface''': Let her grieve. I've prepared a little something. [''clears his throat while Harley sobs''] We have gathered today to pay respects to our beloved friend. Her death was not an empty sacrifice. And, of my friend, I will say just this. Of all the souls I have met on my journeys, hers was the most - human. :'''Dr. Psycho''': Wow, that, uh [''sniffles''] Wasn't awful. :'''Clayface''': As apropos a speech now as when it was originally delivered by William Shatner's Captain James Tiberius Kirk in Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan. <hr width=50%> :'''The Joker''': I know I should have harpooned you in the head. One in the head, one in the heart. It's Harpooning 101. <hr width=50%> :[''Joker kills Scarecrow''] :'''The Joker''': ...Not even that was fun. ==Season 2== ===New Gotham [2.01]=== :'''Dr. Psycho''': Are we living in a mall or a zoo? :'''King Shark''': I like to think of it as both now. <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': Yuck, you worry too much, Ive. :'''Poison Ivy''': Uhhh, you know I think I'm worrying the perfect amount, to be honest. <hr width=50%> :'''The Penguin''': There's got to be a hierarchy. :'''Two-Face''': Exactly! It goes super villains, sidekicks, goons that went to Harvard, and then goons. <hr width=50%> :'''Poison Ivy''': You know, I'm trying to be less of a know-it-all, so I'm just going to go read. I can't, it's killing me. I told you so! Okay, now I'm going to go read. <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': Listen up, goons. :'''Hench''': Excuse me, I identify as a hench. <hr width=50%> :'''The Riddler''': We need goons! Now they all think they're us. If everyone is a villain, then no one is. :'''Two-Face''': And we need to get them back in line. We need structure. <hr width=50%> :'''Two-Face''': [''to Bane''] Can I ask you a serious question? Why are you so stupid? <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': This is what I've always wanted, Ivy. Anarchy and sushi. <hr width=50%> :'''The Penguin''': Without your bat, you're just a defrosted gymnast! ===Riddle U [2.02]=== :'''King Shark''': Well, that was a surprisingly easy and delightful stroll across an apocalyptic wasteland. <hr width=50%> :'''Commissioner Gordon''': Best thing about chest hair. Chip catcher. <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': What? It's an ice flue. You know I can't resist alcohol being poured down an icy surface. :'''Poison Ivy''': No, I did not know that. <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': Dammit! How is a girl supposed to plan her takeover of Gotham if she can't see her kill board! :'''Poison Ivy''' ''(long-suffering look)'': It's only six people, Harls, and two of them were dead when you made the list. ===Trapped [2.03]=== :'''Kite Man''': Turns out in a post-apocalyptic world, kites are pretty crucial. :'''Harley Quinn''': You know, you don't have to say that every time you drop us off, okay? <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': And you're free to... umm, shut your trap, Trap! <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': Here, kitty, kitty! :'''Catwoman''': Are you always this impetuous? :'''Harley Quinn''': Give me a dictionary, and I'll tell you. <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': Ohh, now I've got smashing blue balls. [''breaks a nearby bust''] Ahh, now I can get on with my day. <hr width=50%> :'''Poison Ivy''': No, no see, you don't get it. Selina's like, she's so confident and cool. And somehow, she just like, draws you in by being aloof. You know, you just see her, and you're like, "Ah, I want to be like that". And then, you see her wearing overalls, and you're like, "Oh, maybe I want overalls". And then suddenly, you have a closet full of overalls that don't look good on you. ===Thawing Hearts [2.04]=== :'''Harley Quinn''': Everyone into the ice vagina. <hr width=50%> :'''Kite Man''': Hey, does uh this tie go with kite? :'''Poison Ivy''': No tie goes with the kite. <hr width=50%> :'''King Shark''': [''about Dr. Psycho''] You are a vile, pocket-sized man. <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': Wait! I know how we can save your wife! :'''Mister Freeze''': You're only saying you'll save her life to save your own. :'''Harley Quinn''': So what, you don't want me savin' your wife's life? Okay, I won't. :'''Mister Freeze''': Hey, relax, relax. Let's not jump to conclusions. This is a negotiation. How do you propose to perform this miracle? :'''Harley Quinn''': My friend's a doctor and the smartest person I know. :'''Doctor Psycho''': Wow! That's the nicest thing you've ever said about me. :'''Harley Quinn''': Not you, idiot. Ivy. :'''Doctor Psycho''': Yeah, that makes sense. <hr width=50%> :'''King Shark''': Well, I hope you’re proud of yourself. You've falsely accused the most woke ice-themed villain in all of new New Gotham! <hr width=50%> :'''Mister Freeze''': My beautiful girl. Goodbye, my love. Have the life I could never give you. ===Batman's Back, Man [2.05]=== :'''Commissioner Gordon''': Are you sitting? :'''Batman''': Sometimes I sit. :'''Commissioner Gordon''': Never seen it. :'''Batman''': You don't know everything I do. <hr width=50%> :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Why don't you come back to bed? I've made you a cup of honey tea and pigs in a blanket. :'''Bruce Wayne''': I don't want pigs in a blanket: I want to fight crime! I will take that honey tea. <hr width=50%> :'''Commissioner Gordon''': Now I brought a list of things that I need you to pay for so I can take back the city. One: police officers. Two: a codpiece that I can wear that opens up and shoots a tiny missile. :'''Bruce Wayne''': That doesn't exist. :'''Commissioner Gordon''': Not. Yet. That's where you and your fat wallet come in. <hr width=50%> :'''Bruce Wayne''': You can wipe that smug look off your face. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': That's not smug. This is smug. :'''Bruce Wayne''': Devastating. <hr width=50%> :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Your ego is writing checks your broken body cannot cash, sir. <hr width=50%> :'''Batman''': Do you still have a million followers? :'''Batgirl''': Actually 1.3 million. :'''Batman''': Yeah, but most of them are bots, right? <hr width=50%> :'''Teller''': We're not afraid of you any more. :'''Two-Face''': What? Of course you are. Look at the guns, and half my face. <hr width=50%> :'''Bane''': I was born in Hell and I demand respect! ===All the Best Inmates Have Daddy Issues [2.06]=== :'''Harleen Quinzel''': Mr. Dent, You can't burn inmates. :'''Harvey Dent''': Not yet. But Prop 17 gives an exciting new definition to prisoners' rights. <hr width=50%> :'''Harleen Quinzel''': [''spits on Harvey Dent''] Fuck off, Two-Face! <hr width=50%> :'''Poison Ivy''': ''You'' came up with 'Two-Face'? :'''Harley Quinn''': And I didn't get a single royalty... <hr width=50%> :'''The Joker''': No matter how fun the crime is, eating alone is a real drag. <hr width=50%> :'''The Joker''': You wanna know how I got these emotional scars? <hr width=50%> :'''Poison Ivy''': I guess the acid really did change him. :'''Doctor Psycho''': Which is why I just smoke joints. [''Laughs alone''] Fuck you that was good one. <hr width=50%> :'''Commissioner Gordon''': So... got any plans for tonight, Batman? :'''Batman''': Uhh, stop Joker from blowing up Gotham. :'''Commissioner Gordon''': Yeah! Huh, of course. I meant, like, after that. ===There's No Place to Go but Down [2.07]=== :'''Poison Ivy''': I'm going to give you a piece of advice about sex at 10,000 feet. Don't do it into the wind. <hr width=50%> :'''Bane''': You're probably wondering, "Hey Bane, why no door?" Because where would you escape to? You are in a pit! <hr width=50%> :'''Bane''': You cannot run from your problems, Harley. Hate weighs you down. Only love sets us free. :'''Harley Quinn''' ''(realising what she has to do)'': Ivy. :'''Poison Ivy''' ''(immediately getting it)'': No. :'''Harley Quinn''': It's okay. :'''Poison Ivy''': Don't, don't do this. :'''Harley Quinn''': Have a good life, get married, make babies. Name them Harley. The girls and boys. :'''Poison Ivy''': Harley! :'''Harley Quinn''': See? It totally works. You know I love you. Bye, Ive. <hr width=50%> :'''Two-Face''': What, ya gonna write me a ticket? :'''Commissioner Gordon''': A ticket TO HELL! <hr width=50%> :'''Victor Zsasz''': I would watch the light leave their eyes and know that their last thought was fear. But now I imagine myself in the bubble of calm and the urge to kill goes away. <hr width=50%> :'''Commissioner Gordon''': [''to Barbara''] Are you gonna lend a hand or is Batgirl too cool to help her dad in a montage where we skip past the hard parts of beating an alcohol addiction and cut to the part where I'm clean? <hr width=50%> :'''Bane''': I am not only a judge, I am also a warden. <hr width=50%> :'''Man-Bat''': God dammit! This is bullshit! <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': Let's not judge a lawyer by the fact he's a bat. ===Inner (Para) Demons [2.08]=== :'''King Shark''': I promised myself I'd never kill an old person. I'd let the American health system do that. <hr width=50%> :'''King Shark''': There goes my New Year's resolution to not bite my nails or jump into any interdimensional portals. <hr width=50%> :'''Dr. Psycho''': [''excited''] I am rock hard right now! :'''King Shark''': That's nasty. <hr width=50%> :'''Dr. Psycho''': Wait, who are you? :'''Batgirl''': Um, Batgirl. Anyway… :'''Dr. Psycho''': All right. You know what? As a community, we should really get together and start coming up with more creative names. This is bullshit. <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': So I am going to lie very high! <hr width=50%> :'''Commissioner Gordon''': Citizens of Gotham! You’re here today because you answered the call. We have an opportunity to save our beloved Gotham City and get back our rightful place in the United States. That means clean water, fresh food, and overpriced Internet providers! <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': So I just got to beat up an old lady and I get an army? I can do that. <hr width=50%> :'''Poison Ivy''': (''to Kite Man's parents'') You know what? Fuck you guys. Yeah, I said, fuck you. Because first of all, I'm the one who messed up the goddamn reservation, okay. Chuck asked me several times not to forget, because for some reason he cares about you two. And then, he took the heat for it because he cares about me, and for some reason, what you two think about me. So, yeah! He's a kind, loving, supportive partner. And the only miracle here is that you two ghouls somehow raised him. And another thing, he's not lucky to have me, I'm lucky to have him! So, fuck off! <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': Probably be best if you turn around your merry band of meatbags. :'''Commissioner Gordon''': And why the hell would I do that? :[''Doctor Psycho laughs maniacally from another dimension''] :'''Harley Quinn''': Gordo, I have a flying army from a hell planet under my control. :'''Commissioner Gordon''': Well, I made my decision! And I never back down from my decisions. It’s a terrible quality that has ruined most of my personal relationships, so bring it! ===Bachelorette [2.09]=== :'''King Shark''': Are there other part of your argument besides being able to defecate wherever you want? <hr width=50%> :'''Nora Fries''': I know I'm just a pity invite because you killed my husband. <hr width=50%> :'''Poison Ivy''': Uh, look, I know this isn't like a friend group so much as, like, a disparate collection of strange women I glommed on to during the most difficult stages of my life, so… <hr width=50%> :'''King Shark''': I'm picking up some vibes that maybe you don't wanna get married to me. :'''Tabitha''': What gave it away? The fact that I've managed to chain-smoke even though I'm underwater? <hr width=50%> :'''Jennifer''': Murder? I don't know. I work in life insurance. … These are bottomless, right? [''Amazon shakes her head''] Okay, let's kill her. <hr width=50%> :'''Poison Ivy''': This is for selling out nature and women and-- :'''Jennifer''': Not having bottomless mimosas. <hr width=50%> :'''King Shark''': Tabitha and I worked it out. We'll stay married publicly, but we're each allowed to have secret relationships. I mean, sure, we could probably get along and have a very milquetoast marriage, but I don't want that. I wanna be with someone who excites me. Where love isn't safe, the kind of love that doesn't have limits. I want a soulmate. ===Dye Hard [2.10]=== :'''Dr. Psycho''': [''to Riddler''] Oh, shut the fuck up! Can't you see I'm trying to elegantly end this conversation with this mechanical fossil? Good luck getting out again, fuck head! <hr width=50%> :'''The Joker''': The storybook is real? Where is it? :'''Harley Quinn''': I don't know, but I think you do. Are you sure you can't just remember? :'''The Joker''': It's like I see the book, but… everything else is cloudy. :'''Harley Quinn''': That's disappointing because I really, really, really don't wanna have to do this. :'''The Joker''': Do what? :'''Harley Quinn''': I'll be seein' ya soon, Mistah J. <hr width=50%> :'''Dr. Psycho''': The point is, I'm gonna do what you never could, because you are a pussy! :'''Harley Quinn''': Pussies are powerful. They birthed all of humanity! :'''Commissioner Gordon''': I was a C-Section. ===A Fight Worth Fighting For [2.11]=== :'''The Joker''': You know, I thought I had the perfect life before I met you. Maiming, killing, causing general chaos. I thought I had it all. <hr width=50%> :'''Darkseid''': Who interrupts Darkseid's quest for the Anti-Life Equation? :'''Dr. Psycho''': Uh, it is, hmm hmm, I, Dr. Psycho. :'''Darkseid''': Ah, the dwarf who called Wonder Woman a slur that not even I dare utter. :'''Dr. Psycho''': Gah, that was, like, two years ago. Also, "dwarf" is considered a slur, just FYI. This isn't 'Wizard of Oz'. <hr width=50%> :'''Bethany''': That's fuckin' ridiculous. :'''The Joker''': Is it any more ridiculous than pointing that gun at my face? The gun you think little Sofia and Benicio don't know about? The gun you've never loaded or shot in your life? [''The Joker takes the gun away''] Soy yo, pudding. :'''Bethany''': Mi corazon. <hr width=50%> :'''The Joker''': Lots of dads are serial killers. I'm not going to change who I am. <hr width=50%> :'''The Joker''': Bethany and I used to cuddle just like that. God, we could just sit on the couch and talk about nothing for hours. We just got each other. She always had my back. … Good God! That's true love. <hr width=50%> :'''Dr. Psycho''': All right. I'm gonna make this quick. When I was a little boy, my mother brought me to the county fair. There was a Ferris Wheel. A big, beautiful thing, and you had to be a certain height to ride it. And, of course, I was too short. But, my mother would always say, 'Patience, Eddie. I'm sure next year you're gonna be big enough.' Let me tell you right now. The next year rolled around, and I hadn't gotten any taller. Years went by. I hung upside down from my ankles for hours. I took growth hormones. Anything to ride that big wheel in the sky. I never did get there. But, then, one day, somethin' very unexpected happened. All those people fell to their death! And it was a rush! I thought it was so satisfying to watch all those people die! And, that's when I decided to hate women. :'''Darkseid''': I'm not sure that tracks. <hr width=50%> :'''The Joker''': I wanna give this a shot. ¿Y tú, mi amor? ===Lovers' Quarrel [2.12]=== :'''Batman''': ''[in flirty tone]'' Wonder Woman, you look bangin'. :'''Harley Quinn''': What? :'''Wonder Woman''': Batman, are those pecs real or is it just the suit? ''[giggles]'' :'''Harley Quinn''': Gross. :'''Superman''': These pecs are definitely real. Give them a grab. Don't-a be shy. :'''Harley Quinn''': Oh, gross! Did you just spray them with Ivy's love pheromones?! :'''Wonder Woman''': ''[in flirty tone]'' Maybe we should see what's under these costumes. ''[giggles]'' :'''Harley Quinn''': Or not! A lot of not! PLEASE, NOT! <hr width=50%> :'''Wonder Woman''': [''after lassoing a Parademon''] I'll only ask once: where is Dr. Psycho? :[''Parademon screeches. Confused, Wonder Woman turns to Superman''] :'''Superman''': Oh, what, because I'm an alien, I understand all alien languages? [''Wonder Woman's eyes widen''] OK, I know a little Parademon, but it's still a racist assumption. Be better. :[''Wonder Woman rolls her eyes''] <hr width=50%> :'''Bane''': [''upon seeing the projection of Harley and Ivy having sex''] I had a feeling. The tension was palpable. <hr width=50%> :'''The Joker''': [''upon seeing the projection of Harley and Ivy having sex''] Oh-ho-ho! She's still limber! <hr width=50%> :'''King Shark''': [''upon seeing the projection of Harley and Ivy having sex''] Oh, this is gonna affect the crew dynamic in a messy and complicated manner. <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': I sometimes can't get over the fact that Ivy has sex with you. :'''Kite Man''': Oh. She does. <hr width=50%> :'''Superman''': Poison Ivy, we know that you're under Doctor Psycho's mind-control. So I give you this warning. I, Kal-El, do say- :'''Wonder Woman''': We don't wanna have to take you out but if you don't give us another option, we will. That's what he was getting to. <hr width=50%> :'''Kite Man''': My kite senses are fluttering. <hr width=50%> :'''Darkseid''': Darkseid is... leaving. <hr width=50%> :'''Dr. Psycho''': Oh, I need a cigarette. :[''passes out''] ===The Runaway Bridesmaid [2.13]=== :'''Frank the Plant''': [''banging in a florist van''] Pollen season in this bitch! POLLEN SEASON! <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': [''driving''] Where's the exit? :'''Poison Ivy''': Oh, for the shit of shits! This is why I didn't want to get married here, the parking lot is a damn maze! <hr width=50%> :'''Poison Ivy''': Chuck, I hate that I hurt you. You know, you deserve everything. <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': If I can't fuck up Ivy's wedding, no one can! <hr width=50%> :'''King Shark''': Wedding are a joyful occasion. You know, unless you're one of the bridesmaids. <hr width=50%> :'''Poison Ivy''': Okay, let's do this! :'''Kite Man''': Hell NO! :'''Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn''': What? :'''Kite Man''': I should have known the third time I proposed, every step in our relationship I've had to do over, and over, and OVER! And-and-and I'm not... after all of this, I am NOT redoing my wedding! :'''Poison Ivy''': Don't... don't you want to marry me? :'''Kite Man''': Of course I do! But you don't! I saw your face during the vows, and I knew your heart wasn't in it. I may be simple, but I'm not a fool. It is hard for me to finally admit it, but since you refused to, I will. I'm not the person for you! :'''Poison Ivy''': No... ah, shit... :'''Kite Man''': Like you said, Ivy, I deserve the best. :[''Kite Man flies off''] <hr width=50%> :'''Commissioner Gordon''': I got into public service to shoot bad guys, allowing for the occasional accidental shooting of an innocent because no one's perfect! <hr width=50%> :'''Two-Face''': I can run your whole campaign from behind bars, like a real campaign manager. <hr width=50%> :'''Harley Quinn''': I'm really sorry, Ivy! Kite Man will come around, he always does! :'''Poison Ivy''': Yeah, but you know what? I won't! I mean, he's right! I've been denying a lot of myself for a long time! I guess, I guess it seemed easier for me to just go along with it, you know? And now I realize I hurt a lot of people delaying the inevitable! :'''Harley Quinn''': Well, people change! :'''Poison Ivy''': Yeah! Yeah, people DO change! I mean look at you, what you did for me today! You... you showed me the Harley I always wanted to see, you know? :'''Harley Quinn''': You... you don't think I'm chaotic, crazy and make a bunch of messes? :'''Poison Ivy''': No, you definitely do that. But you're trying to grow, and actually doing it! And that... I mean, for me, that is what matters! :'''Harley Quinn''': I love you, Ives! :'''Poison Ivy''': [''smiles''] I love you too, Harles. <hr width=50%> :'''Poison Ivy''': Keep your eyes on the road! I love you, but Jesus...! ==Season 3== ===Harlivy [3.01]=== ===There's No Ivy in Team [3.02]=== ===The 83rd Annual Villy Awards [3.03]=== ===A Thief, A Mole, An Orgy [3.04]=== ===It's a Swamp Thing [3.05]=== ===Joker: The Killing Vote [3.06]=== ===Another Sharkley Adventure [3.07]=== ===Batman Begins Forever [3.08]=== ===Climax at Jazzapajizza [3.09]=== ===The Horse and The Sparrow [3.10]=== ==Cast== * [[w:Kaley Cuoco|Kaley Cuoco]] as [[w:Harley Quinn|Dr. Harleen Quinzel / Harley Quinn]] * [[w:Lake Bell|Lake Bell]] as [[w:Poison Ivy (character)|Dr. Pamela Isley / Poison Ivy]] * [[w:Diedrich Bader|Diedrich Bader]] as [[w:Batman|Bruce Wayne / Batman]] * [[w:Alan Tudyk|Alan Tudyk]] as [[w:Joker (character)|Joker]], [[w:Clayface|Basil Karlo / Clayface]], [[w:Calendar Man|Julian Day / Calendar Man]], Doctor Trap * [[w:Ron Funches|Ron Funches]] as [[w:King Shark|Nanaue / King Shark]] * [[w:Tony Hale|Tony Hale]] as [[w:Doctor Psycho|Dr. Edgar Cizko / Doctor Psycho]], [[w:Felix Faust|Felix Faust]] * [[w:Jason Alexander|Jason Alexander]] as Sy Borgman * [[w:J.B. Smoove|J.B. Smoove]] as Frank the Plant * [[w:Matt Oberg|Matt Oberg]] as [[w:Kite Man|Charles "Chuck" Brown / Kite Man]], [[w:Killer Croc|Waylon Jones / Killer Croc]], [[w:KGBeast|Anatoly Knyazev / KGBeast]] * [[w:Christopher Meloni|Christopher Meloni]] as [[w:James Gordon (character)|Commissioner James Gordon]] * [[w:Andy Daly|Andy Daly]] as [[w:Two-Face|Harvey Dent / Two-Face]] * [[w:Jim Rash|Jim Rash]] as [[w:Riddler|Edward Nygma / The Riddler]] * [[w:James Adomian|James Adomian]] as [[w:Bane (DC Comics)|Bane]], [[w:Ratcatcher (comics)|Ratcatcher]], Chaz, Ian * Briana Cuoco as [[w:Barbara Gordon|Barbara Gordon / Batgirl]] * [[w:Giancarlo Esposito|Giancarlo Esposito]] as [[w:Lex Luthor|Lex Luthor]] * [[w:Rahul Kohli|Rahul Kohli]] as [[w:Scarecrow (DC Comics)|Jonathan Crane / The Scarecrow]] * [[w:Wayne Knight|Wayne Knight]] as [[w:Penguin (character)|Oswald Cobblepot / The Penguin]] * [[w:Jacob Trembalay|Jacob Trembalay]] as [[w:Damian Wayne|Damian Wayne / Robin]] * [[w:Wanda Sykes|Wanda Sykes]] as [[w:Queen of Fables|Queen of Fables]] * [[w:James Wolk|James Wolk]] as [[w:Superman|Kal-El / Clark Kent / Superman]] * [[w:Vanessa Marshall|Vanessa Marshall]] as [[w:Wonder Woman|Princess Diana / Wonder Woman]] * [[w:Chris Diamantopoulos|Chris Diamanatopoulos]] as [[w:Aquaman|Arthur Curry / Aquaman]] * [[w:Alfred Molina|Alfred Molina]] as [[w:Mr. Freeze|Victor Fries / Mr. Freeze]] * [[w:Sanaa Lathan|Sanaa Lathan]] as [[w:Catwoman|Selina Kyle / Catwoman]] * [[w:Natalie Morales|Natalie Morales]] as [[w:Lois Lane|Lois Lane]] * [[w:Tom Hollander|Tom Hollander]] as [[w:Alfred Pennyworth|Alfred Pennyworth]] * [[w:Michael Ironside|Michael Ironside]] as [[w:Darkseid|Darkseid]] * [[w:Rachel Dratch|Rachel Dratch]] as [[w:Nora Fries|Nora Fries]], [[w:Hippolyta (DC Comics)|Queen Hippolyta]] * [[w:Brad Morris|Brad Morris]] as [[w:Victor Zsasz|Victor Zsasz]] * [[w:Sean Giambrone|Sean Giambrone]] as Joshua Cobblepot * [[w:Susie Essman|Susie Essman]] as Sharon Quinzel * [[w:Justina Machado|Justina Machado]] as Bethany * [[w:Mary Holland|Mary Holland]] as Jennifer, Tabitha ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2010s American adult animated TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American adult animated TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American black comedy TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American black comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally adult animated TV shows]] [[Category:American adult animated action TV shows]] [[Category:American adult animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American adult animated superhero TV shows]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:DC Universe shows]] [[Category:HBO Max shows]] [[Category:Television series by Warner Bros. Animation]] 7lxxvvuj9ss3n4j9pyo4f1wb9hyishe 0 229568 3158021 3157080 2022-08-26T00:16:06Z Coningsby 10755 /* Quotes */ wikitext text/x-wiki The '''[[w:Glorious Revolution|Glorious Revolution]]''', or '''Revolution of 1688''', was the deposition and replacement of [[James II of England|James II and VII]] as ruler of England, Scotland and Ireland by his daughter [[w:Mary II of England|Mary II]] and his Dutch nephew and Mary's husband, [[William III of England|William III of Orange]], which took place between November 1688 and May 1689. The outcome of events in all three kingdoms and Europe, the Revolution was quick and relatively bloodless, though establishing the new regime took much longer and led to significant casualties. The term was first used by [[w:John Hampden (1653–1696)|John Hampden]] in late 1689. ==Quotes== *[T]he Revolution of 1688...is the greatest thing done by the English nation. It established the State upon a contract, and set up the doctrine that a breach of contract forfeited the crown... Parliament gave the crown, and gave it under conditions. Parliament became supreme in administration as well as in legislation. The king became its servant on good behaviour, liable to dismissal for himself or his ministers. All this was not restitution, but inversion. [[w:Passive obedience|Passive obedience]] had been the law of England. Conditional obedience and the [[w:Right of resistance|right of resistance]] became the law. Authority was limited and regulated and controlled. The [[w:Whigs (British political party)|Whig]] theory of government was substituted for the [[w:Tories (British political party)|Tory]] theory on the fundamental points of political science. The great achievement is that this was done without bloodshed, without vengeance, without exclusion of entire parties, with so little definiteness in point of doctrine that it could be accepted, and the consequences could be left to work themselves out. **[[John Dalberg-Acton, 1st Baron Acton|Lord Acton]], ‘The English Revolution’ (''c''. 1899–1901), quoted in ''Lectures on Modern History'' (1906), pp. 231–32 *The Revolution was made to preserve our ''antient'' indisputable laws and liberties and that ''antient'' constitution of government which is our only security for law and liberty... The very idea of the fabrication of a new government is enough to fill us with disgust and horror. We wished at the period of the Revolution, and do now wish, to derive all we possess as ''an inheritance from our forefathers''. Upon that body and stock of inheritance we have taken care not to inoculate any cyon alien to the nature of the original plant. All the reformations we have hitherto made have proceeded upon the principle of reverence to antiquity; and I hope, nay, I am persuaded, that all those which possibly may be made hereafter will be carefully formed upon analogical precedent, authority, and example. **[[Edmund Burke]], ''[[Reflections on the Revolution in France]]'' (1790), pp. 44-45 *I question, if in all the Histories of Empire, there is one Instance of so bloodless a Revolution, as that in ''England'' in 1688, wherein Whigs, Tories, Princes, Prelates, Nobles, Clergy, common People, and a standing Army, were unanimous. To have seen all ''England'' of one Mind, is to have liv'd at a very particular Juncture. **[[Colley Cibber]], ''An Apology for the Life of Mr. Colley Cibber, Comedian, and Late Patentee of the Theatre-Royal. With an Historical View of the Stage during his Own Time'' (1740), p. 38 *The unhappy party divisions must ever give an honest man a most unfavourable opinion of these times, when the honour and dignity, the safety and tranquility, of the nation, were continually neglected for the little interested views of party; but however this [[w:Convention Parliament (1689)|Convention]] with all its blemishes saved the nation from the iron rod of arbitrary power. Let that palliate all defects, and though the constitution was not so well established as it might have been at this time, though sufficient care was not taken to keep the advantages of our insular situation, nor effectual bars put to Continental influence, let us still remember we stand in debt for our liberty and religion to the success of 1688. **[[George III of the United Kingdom|George III]], essay written when he was Prince of Wales (late 1750s), quoted in John Brooke, ''King George III'' (1972; 1974), pp. 110-111 *Let their lordships look to the revolution of 1688, and then he would ask them, if it could have been carried into effect without the combinations of those great men, who restored and secured our religion, our laws, and our liberties, and without such mutual communications among them as would bring them under the description of a sect or party? **[[Charles Grey, 2nd Earl Grey|Lord Grey]], speech in the House of Lords (19 February 1821), quoted in ''Parliamentary Debates'', N.S. iv, pp. 744-59, quoted in Alan Bullock and Maurice Shock (ed.), ''The Liberal Tradition from Fox to Keynes'' (1967), pp. 13-16 *The Revolution is not to be considered as a mere effort of the nation on a pressing emergency to rescue itself from the violence of a particular monarch; much less as grounded upon the danger of the Anglican church, its emoluments, and dignities, from the bigotry of a hostile religion. It was rather the triumph of those principles which, in the language of the present day, are denominated [[Liberalism|liberal]] or [[w:Constitutionalism|constitutional]], over those of [[w:Absolute monarchy|absolute monarchy]], or of monarchy not effectually controlled by stated boundaries. It was the termination of a contest between the regal power and that of parliament, which could not have been brought to so favourable an issue by any other means. **[[w:Henry Hallam|Henry Hallam]], ''The Constitutional History of England from the Accession of Henry VII to the Death of George II, Vol. III'' (1827), pp. 357-358 *The Revolution of 1689 is therefore the third grand aera in the history of the Constitution of England. The [[Magna Carta|great charter]] had marked out the limits within which the Royal authority ought to be confined; some outworks were raised in the reign of [[Edward I of England|Edward the First]]; but it was at the Revolution that the circumvallation was compleated. It was at this aera, that the true principles of civil society were fully established. By the expulsion of a King who had violated his oath, the doctrine of Resistance, that ultimate resource of an oppressed People, was confirmed beyond a doubt. By the exclusion given to a family hereditarily despotic, it was finally determined, that Nations are not the property of Kings. The principles of [[w:Passive obedience|Passive Obedience]], the [[w:Divine right of kings|Divine and indefeasible Right of Kings]], in a word, the whole scaffolding of false and superstitious notions by which the Royal authority had till then been supported, fell to the ground, and in the room of it were substituted the more solid and durable foundations of the love of order, and a sense of the necessity of civil government among Mankind. **[[Jean-Louis de Lolme]], ''The Constitution of England; Or, an Account of the English Government'' [1771], ed. David Lieberman (2007), p. 54 *One of the most striking consequences of the Revolution was that it led to the firm establishment of the [[w:Rule of law|rule of law]]. In his various political writings [[John Locke]] set out to render the arbitrary use of royal power intellectually indefensible. At the same time the [[w:Bill of Rights 1689|Bill of Rights]] declared against the use of the [[w:Royal prerogative in the United Kingdom|prerogative]] as an instrument to suspend or dispense with legislation. This was followed by a clause in the [[w:Act of Settlement 1701|Act of Settlement of 1701]] putting an end to the arbitrary dismissal of judges. Since after 1689 the substantial property-owners were, to all intents and purposes, the real law-givers, all this aided them in their drive for power. But incorruptibility is a dangerous thing, an when, in the age of [[Thomas Paine|Paine]] and [[William Blake|Blake]], ordinary people began to advance political claims, they too found protection under the umbrella of the law. [[w:Radicals (UK)|Radicals]] like [[w:John Sawbridge|Alderman Sawbridge]], for example, were able to invoke "Revolution principles" in their protests against the use of the military to quell civil disturbances. Similarly the [[w:Society of Gentlemen Supporters of the Bill of Rights|Bill of Rights Society]] was able to raise an outcry against arbitrary arrests and the neglect of [[w:Habeas corpus|Habeas Corpus]]. Again, when men such as [[w:John Thelwall|John Thelwall]] and [[w:William Hone|William Hone]] were brought before the courts by the government, they were triumphantly acquitted, for after 1689 the authorities found it well-nigh impossible to pack juries. The Revolution was not a watershed for the common man. His lot was as hard after the great upheaval as it had been before. Even so when in the fullness of time the voice of the humble came to be raised, the events of 1689 did at least help to oil the wheels of political action. Hence the coming of King William is not entirely without significance in the story of ordinary men and women. **Angus McInnes, 'The Revolution and the People', in Geoffrey Holmes (ed.), ''Britain after the Glorious Revolution 1689–1714'' (1969), p. 93 *Now, if ever, we ought to be able to appreciate the whole importance of the stand which was made by our forefathers against the [[w:House of Stuart|House of Stuart]]. All around us the world is convulsed by the agonies of great nations. Governments which lately seemed likely to stand during ages have been on a sudden shaken and overthrown... Meanwhile in our island the regular course of government has never been for a day interrupted. The few bad men who longed for license and plunder have not had the courage to confront for one moment the strength of a loyal nation, rallied in firm array round a parental throne. And, if it be asked what has made us to differ from others, the answer is that we never lost what others are wildly and blindly seeking to regain. It is because we had a preserving revolution in the seventeenth century that we have not had a destroying revolution in the nineteenth. It is because we had freedom in the midst of servitude that we have order in the midst of anarchy. For the authority of law, for the security of property, for the peace of our streets, for the happiness of our houses, our gratitude is due, under Him who raises and pulls down nations at his pleasure, to the [[w:Long Parliament|Long Parliament]], to the [[w:Convention Parliament (1689)|Convention]], and to [[William III of England|William of Orange]]. **[[Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay|Thomas Macaulay]], ''[[w:The History of England from the Accession of James the Second|The History of England from the Accession of James the Second, Volume III]]'' [1848], ed. C. H. Firth (1914), pp. 1311-1312 *My principles are, as I believe, the Whig principles of the revolution. The main foundation of them is the irresponsibility of the crown, the consequent responsibility of ministers, and the preservation of the power and dignity of parliament as constituted by law and custom. With a heap of modern additions, interpolations, facts and fictions, I have nothing to do. **[[w:William Lamb, 2nd Viscount Melbourne|Lord Melbourne]] to Lord Holland (10 December 1815), quoted in Philip Ziegler, ''Melbourne: A Biography of William Lamb, 2nd Viscount Melbourne'' (1976), p. 70 *I reverence, as much as any one can do, the memory of those great men who effected the Revolution of 1688, and who rescued themselves and us from the thraldom of religious intolerance, and the tyranny of arbitrary power; but I think we are not rendering an appropriate homage to them, when we practice that very intolerance which they successfully resisted, and when we withhold from our fellow-subjects the blessings of that Constitution, which they established with so much courage and wisdom... [T]hat great religious radical, King William...intended to raise a goodly fabric of charity, of concord, and of peace, and upon which his admirers of the present day are endeavouring to build the dungeon of their Protestant Constitution. If the views and intentions of King William had been such as are now imputed to him, instead of blessing his arrival as an epoch of glory and happiness to England, we should have had reason to curse the hour when first he printed his footstep on our strand. But he came not here a bigoted polemic, with religious tracts in one hand, and civil persecution in the other; he came to regenerate and avenge the prostrate and insulted liberties of England; he came with peace and toleration on his lips, and with civil and religious liberty in his heart. **[[Henry Temple, 3rd Viscount Palmerston|Lord Palmerston]], speech in the House of Commons (18 March 1829) in favour of Catholic Emancipation, quoted in George Henry Francis, ''Opinions and Policy of the Right Honourable Viscount Palmerston, G.C.B., M.P., &c. as Minister, Diplomatist, and Statesman, During More Than Forty Years of Public Life'' (1852), pp. 84-85 *[James II's] actions had alienated enough of his subjects for some curbs to be forced upon him. They might have been reluctant actually to resist him. But they were not prepared to acquiesce any longer in his rule... Englishmen in 1688 were for the most part reluctant revolutionaries. Yet they were even more reluctant to put up much longer with a king who rode roughshod over what they considered to be the [[w:Rule of law|rule of law]]. They therefore welcomes the intervention of the Prince of Orange since he promised to restore that rule. **[[w:W. A. Speck|W. A. Speck]], ''Reluctant Revolutionaries: Englishmen and the Revolution of 1688'' (1988), p. 239 *The argument of this book has been that England did experience a political revolution in 1688 and 1689. [[w:Absolutism (European history)|Absolutism]] gave way to [[w:Constitutional monarchy|limited monarchy]]. While this might seem to be nothing more than a reassertion of the classic Whig case, however, there are several major qualifications to be made to that interpretation. There was nothing unconstitutional about the bid for absolutism under the later Stuarts. Nor was it doomed to failure. Above all it is too subjective to load the change with value judgements, deploring absolutism and approving limited monarchy. **[[w:W. A. Speck|W. A. Speck]], ''Reluctant Revolutionaries: Englishmen and the Revolution of 1688'' (1988), p. 242 *The English tradition of liberty...grew over the centuries: its most marked features are continuity, respect for law and a sense of balance, as demonstrated by the Glorious Revolution of 1688. **[[Margaret Thatcher]], ''The Downing Street Years'' (1993), p. 753 *The ultimate view that we take of the Revolution of 1688 must be determined by our preference either for [[w:Absolute monarchy|royal absolutism]] or for [[w:Parliamentary system|parliamentary government]]. [[James II of England|James II]] forced England to choose once for all between these two. **[[G. M. Trevelyan]], ''The English Revolution, 1688–1689'' (1938), p. 245 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Revolutions]] [[Category:History of the United Kingdom]] 6xas11xtaqz11p063zebn1604p8t56t 0 234519 3158069 3157022 2022-08-26T04:59:34Z Bicam3ralMind 2956799 /* Hyde Park Corner [1.2] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Crown (TV series)|The Crown]]''''' (2016–present) is an English historical drama airing on Netflix about the life of [[Queen Elizabeth II]], starting with her [[w:Wedding of Princess Elizabeth and Philip Mountbatten|marriage]] to [[Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh]] in 1947 and ending sometime in the early 21st century. == Season 1== === ''Wolferton Splash'' [1.1] === :<div align="justify">'''King George VI''': You understand, the titles, the dukedom. They're ''not'' the job. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': Sir? :<div align="justify">'''King George VI''': ''She'' is the job. She is the essence of your duty. Loving her. ''Protecting'' her. Of course, you'll miss your career. But doing this for her, doing this for me, there may be no greater act of patriotism. Or love. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': I understand, sir. :<div align="justify">'''King George VI''': Do you, boy? Do you really? === ''Hyde Park Corner'' [1.2] === :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': Oh, like the hat. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': It's not a hat. It's a crown. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Anthony Eden''': Much of this is just a function of age. He focuses almost entirely on issues relating to America and the Soviet Union, so important domestic matters are falling behind. :<div align="justify">'''King George VI''': What do you suggest I do? :<div align="justify">'''Anthony Eden''': Well, as sovereign, of course, there is nothing you can do from a constitutional standpoint. But, as a friend, as Albert Windsor, you are the one person I can think of to whom he might listen. :<div align="justify">'''King George VI''': Well, that is where we run into difficulties, I'm afraid. I no longer am Albert Windsor. That person was murdered by his elder brother when he abdicated. And, of course, Albert Windsor would dearly love to say to his old friend, Winston Churchill, "Take a step back. Put your feet up. Let the younger generation have a go now." But he is no longer with us and that void has been filled by George the VI who, it turns out, is quite the stickler, and no more allow the sovereign to interfere with the Prime Minister than stand for office himself. :<div align="justify">'''Anthony Eden''': Even when it's in the national interest, sir? :<div align="justify">'''King George VI''': The national interests? Or ''Anthony Eden's'' interest? <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Martin Charteris''': It would help if we could decide here and now on your name. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': My name? :<div align="justify">'''Martin Charteris''': Yes, ma'am. Your regnal name. That is the name you'll take as queen. Your father took George. Obviously, his name is ... ''was'' Albert. Before he abdicated, your uncle took Edward. Of course, his name was David. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': What's wrong with my name? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': Nothing. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Well, then let's not overcomplicate matters unnecessarily. My name is Elizabeth. :<div align="justify">'''Martin Charteris''': Then, long live Queen Elizabeth. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Queen Mary''': Dearest Lilibet, I know how you loved your papa, my son. And I know you will be as devastated as I am by this loss. But you must put those sentiments to one side now, for duty calls. The grief for your father's death will be felt far and wide. Your people will need your strength and leadership. I have seen three great monarchies brought down through their failure to separate personal indulgences from duty. You must not allow yourself to make similar mistakes. And while you mourn your father, you must also mourn someone else. Elizabeth Mountbatten. For she has now been replaced by another person, Elizabeth Regina. The two Elizabeths will frequently be in conflict with one another. The fact is, the crown must win. Must ''always'' win. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Winston Churchill''': When the death of the King was announced to us yesterday morning, there struck a deep and somber note in our lives, which resounded far and wide, stilled the clatter and traffic of 20th century life, and made countless millions of human beings around the world pause and look around them. The King was greatly loved by all his peoples. The greatest shocks ever felt by this island fell upon us in his reign. Never, in our long history were we exposed to greater perils of invasion and destruction. The late King, who assumed the heavy burden of the Crown when he succeeded his brother, lived through every minute of this struggle with a heart that never quavered and a spirit undaunted. In the end, death came as a friend. And after a happy day of sunshine and sport, and after a goodnight to those who loved him best, he fell asleep, as every man or woman who strives to fear God and nothing else in the world, may hope to do. Now, I must leave the treasures of the past and turn to the future. Famous have been the reigns of our queens. Some of the greatest periods in our history have unfolded under their scepters. Queen Elizabeth II, like her namesake, Queen Elizabeth I, did not pass her childhood in any certain expectation of the Crown. This new Elizabethan age comes at a time when mankind stands uncertainly poised on the edge of catastrophe. I, whose youth was passed in the august, unchallenged and tranquil glories of the Victorian era, may well fill the thrill in invoking once more the prayer and anthem, God Save the Queen. === ''Windsor'' [1.3] === :<div align="justify">'''Prince Edward''': I wish to address my people. It's my right. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Mary''': You have forfeited that right. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Edward''': There are things I wish to say. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Mary''': In which capacity? You're no longer their king. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Edward''': As a private individual. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Mary''': Oh, no one wants to hear from a private individual. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Edward''': Well, I beg to differ. The newspapers are for me. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''BBC Radio Announcer''': This is Windsor Castle. There follows an important announcement from His Royal Highness, the Duke of Windsor. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Edward''': A few hours ago, I discharged my last duty as King and Emperor. And, now that I have been succeeded by my brother, the Duke of York, my first words must be to declare my allegiance to him. This I do with all my heart. You all know the reasons which have impelled me to renounce the throne. I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility, and to discharge my duties as King, as I would wish to do, without the help and support of the woman I love. This decision has been made less difficult to me by the sure knowledge that my brother has one matchless blessing enjoyed by so many of you and not bestowed on me, a happy home with his wife and children. And now we all have a new King. I wish him, and you, his people, happiness and prosperity with all my heart. God bless you all. God save the King. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Winston Churchill''': I so looked forward every Tuesday to my audiences with your, dear papa. His late Majesty was a hero to me and to all his people. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Thank you. Do sit down, Prime Minister. I've ordered tea. Or something stronger, perhaps. :<div align="justify">'''Winston Churchill''': Oh, dear. Did no one explain? The Sovereign ''never'' offers a Prime Minister refreshment. Nor a chair. The precedent set by your great-great-grandmother was to keep us standing like Privy Councillors. To waste time is a grievous sin. And, if there is one thing I have learned in fifty-two years of public service, it is that there is no problem so complex, nor crisis so grave, that it cannot be satisfactorily resolved within twenty minutes. So, shall we make a start? <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Winston Churchill''': Ma'am, word has reached me that it is your desire that you and your children should keep your husband's name, Mountbatten. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': It is. :<div align="justify">'''Winston Churchill''': Ma'am, you must not. It would be a grave mistake. Mountbatten was the adoptive name your husband took when he became a British citizen. His real name, you'll not need reminding, was Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderberg-Glucksberg of the Royal Houses of Denmark and Norway and, latterly, of Greece! I am an old man. Many have questioned my relevance, whether I still have anything to offer in public life. The answer is, I have. Which is to leave in place a Sovereign prepared for office. Which is to leave in place a Sovereign prepared for office. Equipped, armed for her duty. Great things have happened to this country under the sceptres of her queens and you should be no exception. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Yes, I am Queen, but I am also a woman. And a wife. To a man whose pride and whose strength were, in part, what attracted me to him. I want to be in a successful marriage. I would argue, stability under this roof might even be in the national interest. Had you considered ''that''? :<div align="justify">'''Winston Churchill''': Very well. I will discuss it with Cabinet. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': No. You will ''inform'' the Cabinet, Prime Minister. ''That'' is the favour you will do me, in return for one I'm already doing you. I know your party wants you to resign to make way for a younger man. Mr. Eden. I also know that no one will bring up your resignation while you are actively engaged in planning the Coronation. So, by delaying my investiture, you are, in fact, holding onto power. In which case, I would suggest you are, somewhat, in my debt. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': What kind of marriage is this? What kind of family? You've taken my career from me, you've taken my home. You've taken my name. I thought we were in this together. === ''Act of God'' [1.4] === :<div align="justify">'''Peter Townsend''': You sure about this, sir? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': When I got married, my in-laws made me marshal of the Royal Air Force. As a result, I'm the most senior airman in the country, and I can't bloody well fly. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Clement Attlee''': What I don't understand is this. Why a Downing Street employee, working for the government, should come to me with this information? I've read the ''Aeneid'', Mr. Thurman. "Do not trust the horse, Trojans. I fear the Greeks even when they bring gifts." :<div align="justify">'''Thurman''': Mr. Attlee, I entered the civil service to serve the public and to serve government, any government. But I am also a responsible citizen and I cannot stand by while chaos reigns around me. This is not a government. Mr. Attlee, this is a collection of hesitant, frightened, old men unable to unseat a tyrannical, delusional even older one. Yours was the most radical, forward-thinking government this country has ever seen. How you lost the election escapes me. :<div align="justify">'''Clement Attlee''': Escapes us all. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Nurse''': The Queen is here, Your Majesty. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Mary''': Could you be more specific? :<div align="justify">'''Nurse''': Ma'am? :<div align="justify">'''Queen Mary''': Which queen? :<div align="justify">'''Nurse''': Queen Elizabeth, ma'am. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Mary''': Which one? There are two. :<div align="justify">'''Nurse''': The young one. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Mary''': Oh, ''the'' Queen. :<div align="justify">'''Nurse''': I thought you was all queens. They gave me a sheet. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Mary''': We are. I was the queen so long as my husband the king was alive, but since he died, I am no longer ''the'' queen, I am simply "Queen Mary." My late son's widow was also the queen, but upon the death of her husband, she became "Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother." Her daughter, "Queen Elizabeth," is now queen, so she is... :<div align="justify">'''Nurse''': ''The'' Queen. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Mary''': Bravo :<div align="justify">'''Nurse''': Nurses and nuns have the same problem. We're all called "Sister." :<div align="justify">'''Queen Mary''': So you are. :<div align="justify">'''Nurse''': Well, she's outside. ''The'' Queen. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Mary''': Then let her in, sister. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': I was listening to the wireless this morning, where they described this fog as an act of God. Now, in your letter that you sent me, you said, "Loyalty to the ideal you have inherited is your duty above everything else, because the calling comes from the highest source, from God himself." :<div align="justify">'''Queen Mary''': Yes. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Do you really believe that? :<div align="justify">'''Queen Mary''': Monarchy is God's sacred mission to grace and dignify the earth, to give ordinary people an ideal to strive towards, an example of nobility and duty to raise them in their wretched lives. Monarchy is a calling from God. That is why you are crowned in an abbey, not a government building. Why you are anointed, not appointed. It's an archbishop that puts the crown on your head, not a minister or public servant. Which means that you are answerable to God in your duty, not the public. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': I'm not sure that my husband would agree with that. He would argue that in any equitable modern society, that church and state should be separated. That if God has servants they're priests not kings. He would also say that he watched his own family destroyed, because they were seen by the people to embody indefensible and unreasonable ideas. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Mary''': Yes, but he represents a royal family of carpetbaggers and parvenus that goes back what? Ninety years? What would he know of Alfred the Great, the Rod of Equity and Mercy, Edward the Confessor, William the Conqueror or Henry the Eighth? It's the Church of England, dear, not the Church of Denmark or Greece. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Winston Churchill''': I have witnessed scenes here today, the likes of which we have not seen since the darkest days of the Blitz. But alongside the suffering, I have also seen heroism. And where there is heroism there will always be hope. Only God can lift the fog, but I, as Prime Minister, am in position to ease the suffering. To that end, I pledge to make available with immediate effect more money for hospital staff, more money for equipment, and a full and independent public enquiry into the causes of air pollution to ensure that such a calamity may never befall us again. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Queen Mary''': To do nothing is the hardest job of all. And it will take every ounce of energy that you have. To be impartial is not natural, not human. People will always want you to smile or agree or frown. And the minute you do, you will have declared a position. A point of view. And that is the one thing as sovereign that you are not entitled to do. The less you do, the less you say or agree or smile... :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Or think? Or feel? Or breathe? Or exist? :<div align="justify">'''Queen Mary''': The better. === ''Smoke and Mirrors'' [1.5] === :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': Gentlemen, I'd like to start by saying how very honoured I feel to be working with all the great minds and talents here in this room today as we come together to organize the very best coronation for my wife, the Queen. We all know the scale of the challenge that faces us. The eyes of the world will be on us, Britain will be on show and we must put our best foot forward. In such circumstances, the temptation is to roll out the red carpet and follow the precedents set by the grand and successful coronations of the past. But looking to the past for our inspiration would be a mistake in my view. Britain today is not the Britain of past coronations. Assumptions made at the time of my father-in-law's coronation seventeen years ago cannot be made anymore. That is why I think we should adapt this ceremony. Make it less ostentatious. More egalitarian. Show more respect and sensitivity to the real world. We have a new sovereign, young ''and'' a woman. Let us give her a coronation that is befitting of the wind of change that she represents, modern and forward-looking at a moment in time where exciting technological developments are making things possible we never dreamt of. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Duke of Windsor''': Oils and oaths. Orbs and sceptres. Symbol upon symbol. An unfathomable web of arcane mystery and liturgy, blurring so many lines no clergyman or historian or lawyer could ever untangle any of it. :<div align="justify">'''Party Guest''': It's crazy. :<div align="justify">'''Duke of Windsor''': On the contrary. It's perfectly sane. Who wants transparency when you can have magic? Who wants prose when you can have poetry? Pull away the veil and what are you left with? An ordinary young woman of modest ability and little imagination. But wrap her up like this, anoint her with oil, and hey, presto, what do you have? A goddess. === ''Gelignite'' [1.6] === :<div align="justify">'''Tommy Lascelles''': Following consultation with the government, the Foreign Office, and Her Majesty's press secretary, the decision has been taken to move forward your posting to Brussels with immediate effect. A car is waiting to take you first to your apartment, where you will pack, and then directly to the airfield. The plane for Brussels leaves in just under three hours. There was some concern that that might not give you enough time, but I felt sure that as a military man packing quickly and unsentimentally would come as second nature to you. :<div align="justify">'''Peter Townsend''': But that isn't what was agreed The agreement between Margaret and Her Majesty the Queen, with the certain knowledge of Her Majesty the Queen Mother, was that Margaret and I were to spend some time together upon her return from Rhodesia. ''Before'' I travelled to Brussels. Forty-eight hours at least. Your proposal is a direct contravention of that agreement. :<div align="justify">'''Tommy Lascelles''': Well, I cannot, nor would I ever presume, to know the intimate details of whatever agreements have or have not been made within the family. What I ''can'' tell you is that the position of air attaché at the embassy fell vacant unexpectedly early and needs filling right away. :<div align="justify">'''Peter Townsend''': Of course, a crucial position like the air attaché to the embassy at Brussels cannot be left vacant for very long. I ask only that it remain so until after the Princess returns, as I was promised. :<div align="justify">'''Tommy Lascelles''': I'm afraid that will not be possible. :<div align="justify">'''Peter Townsend''': Tommy, I understand you're only trying to do your job. But one thing the trip to Northern Ireland has made very clear to me is that the romance between Margaret and myself has caught the public eye. There is a momentum for us, a sense of joy and celebration which you would be wise to acknowledge. The people can clearly see the sincerity of the love between Margaret and me, and I would advise you not to reprehend us for that. Such an act could backfire. :<div align="justify">'''Tommy Lascelles''': And now, if I may give you some advice in turn, Peter. That when referring to a member of the Royal Family, you use the appropriate title. In this case, Her Royal Highness. :<div align="justify">'''Peter Townsend''': When referring to the woman I love, and who loves me, and who is soon to be my wife, I'll call her what I damn well like. Her name is Margaret. :<div align="justify">'''Tommy Lascelles''': Car, Townsend. Waiting. Tick, tick, tick. === ''Scientia Potentia Est'' [1.7] === :<div align="justify">'''John F. Dulles''': ''[seeing Eden slumped in a chair]'' That, gentlemen, is not just a sleeping man. That is a sad metaphor. The second most powerful man in what used to be the most powerful country on earth. ''[spots something]'' What's that on his arm? :'''Aide''': It looks like blood, sir. :'''John F. Dulles''': Good God. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': You were my private secretary for two years before Martin Charteris. :<div align="justify">'''Jock Colville''': I was. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': And it was my impression that we always had a good understanding and we were able to speak openly with one another. :<div align="justify">'''Jock Colville''': Yes, of course. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': And trust one another, speak plainly when matters of real importance came up. :<div align="justify">'''Jock Colville''': And before Her Majesty says anything else, let me just say how sorry I am. It's been agony. I tried to stop them. I told them my opinion, but they were so insistent we keep it from you. After the second one, I really was of a mind to let you know the truth. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Second what? :<div align="justify">'''Jock Colville''': ''Stroke'', Ma'am. But they insisted again, everyone keep it quiet, say nothing. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': I see. And who was it that was doing the insisting? :<div align="justify">'''Jock Colville''': Lord Salisbury, ma'am. And the Prime Minister himself. On the rare occasions he was conscious. I see. That is what you asked me here to discuss? :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': No. I asked you here to discuss whether I should take Michael Adeane for my private secretary rather than Martin Charteris. But what you've just told me is far more important. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': It has come to my attention that for a period of time last week, my Prime Minister was incapacitated. ''And'' the Foreign Secretary, too. And that ''you'' colluded in keeping that information from me. :<div align="justify">'''Lord Salisbury''': Your Maj... :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': No, it is not my job to govern. But it is my job to ensure proper governance. But how can I do that if my ministers lie and plot and hide the truth from me? You have prevented me from doing my duty. You have hampered and bamboozled the proper functioning of the Crown. How could you? My own late father valued you greatly. He believed the phrase, "History teaches, never trust a Cecil." Deeply unfair. Perhaps not. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Winston. I am just a young woman, starting out in public service. And I would never presume to give a man, so much my senior, and who has given this country so much, a lecture. However ... You were at my Coronation. :<div align="justify">'''Winston Churchill''': I was. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': And you therefore heard for yourself as I took the solemn oath to govern the people of my realms according to their respective laws and customs. Now, one of those customs is that their elected Prime Minister should be of reasonably sound body and mind. Not an outrageous expectation, one would've thought. :<div align="justify">'''Winston Churchill''': No. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': But it seems that you have not been of sound body and mind these past weeks. And that you chose to withhold that information from me. A decision which feels like a betrayal, not just of the covenant of trust between us and the institutions that we both represent, but of our own personal relationship. ''[Queen Elizabeth rises from her chair, moves to the writing desk and pulls out her old notebook. She resumes her seat and begins to read from the book]'' In 1867, Walter Bagehot wrote, "There are two elements of the Constitution: the efficient and the dignified." The monarch is the dignified and the government the efficient. These two institutions only work when they support each other, when they trust one another. Your actions, your breaking of that trust was irresponsible and it might have had serious ramifications for the security of this country. Is your health better now? :<div align="justify">'''Winston Churchill''': It is. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Good. But is it sufficiently better? Fit for office better? I would ask you to consider your response in light of the respect that my rank and my office deserve, not that which my age and gender might suggest. :<div align="justify">'''Winston Churchill''': Ma'am ... I look at you now and I realize that the time is fast approaching for me to step down. Not because I am unwell or unfit for office, but because you are ready. And therefore I have discharged my duty to your father. With your blessing and your forgiveness, I shall continue to serve as the leader of Your Majesty's government. === ''Pride & Joy'' [1.8] === :<div align="justify">'''Winston Churchill''': Never let them see the real Elizabeth Windsor. The cameras, the television. Never let them see that carrying the crown is often a burden. Let them look at you but let them see only the eternal. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother''': I don't want to sound self-piteous but loss has followed loss. First and foremost, the loss of a husband. Then the loss of a home, having to leave the palace. The loss of motherhood, as daughters become adults. Loss of a routine, a sense of purpose. The loss of a Crown. Imagine, seventeen years' experience as Queen and being the head of the family. Bertie was a wonderful husband and father, but he needed a great deal of help as King. And then we lose him and, at precisely the moment when they should be giving me more to do, stop me falling into despair, they take it all aw ... They take it all away. They put it all into the hands of a girl who's totally unequipped for it. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': I am aware that I am surrounded by people who feel they could do the job better. Strong people with powerful characters, more natural leaders, perhaps better-suited to leading from the front, making a mark. But, for better or worse, the Crown has landed on ''my'' head. And I say we go. === ''Assassins'' [1.9] === :<div align="justify">'''Winston Churchill''': ''That'' is not a painting. It's a humiliation. "How shall I paint him today? Ah! Sitting on a chair, producing a stool. A broken, sagging, pitiful creature, squeezing and squeezing!" :<div align="justify">'''Graham Sutherland''': That's not how it's being seen. :<div align="justify">'''Winston Churchill''': That is how it is. And I will not accept it. :<div align="justify">'''Graham Sutherland''': I don't think it's wise to reject it. It was commissioned by the members of the joint Houses of Parliament as a sign of respect. :<div align="justify">'''Winston Churchill''': Well, then they should have commissioned an artist who is respectful, instead of a Judas wielding his murderous brush. Look at it! It is a betrayal of friendship. And an unpatriotic, treacherous, cowardly assault by the individualistic left. :<div align="justify">'''Graham Sutherland''': As regards the friendship... :<div align="justify">'''Winston Churchill''': ''Clearly'', there is none. :<div align="justify">'''Graham Sutherland''': I accepted this commission because I admired you and I came through the experience admiring you even more. :<div align="justify">'''Winston Churchill''': You make monsters of everyone you admire? :<div align="justify">'''Graham Sutherland''': It's not vindictive. It's art. It's not personal. :<div align="justify">'''Winston Churchill''': Well, you are a lost soul. A narcissist without direction or certainty. :<div align="justify">'''Graham Sutherland''': Please, sir. Don't overreact. Give it time. I showed those sketches to your wife throughout the process. She remarked on how accurate they were. :<div align="justify">'''Winston Churchill''': That is the whole point. It is not a reasonably truthful image of ''me''! :<div align="justify">'''Graham Sutherland''': It is, sir. :<div align="justify">'''Winston Churchill''': It is not! It is cruel! :<div align="justify">'''Graham Sutherland''': ''Age'' is cruel! If you see decay, it's because there's decay. If you see frailty, it's because there's frailty. I can't be blamed for what is. And I refuse to hide and disguise what I see. If you're engaged in a fight with something, then it's not with me. It's with your own blindness. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': I have nothing to hide from you. Nothing. Porchey is a friend. And yes, there are those who would have preferred me to marry him. Indeed, marriage with him might have been easier. Might have even worked better than ours. But to everyone's regret and frustration ... The only person I have ever loved is you. And can you honestly look me in the eye and say the same? ''Can you?'' <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen. Dear Winston and Lady Churchill. My confidence in Sir Anthony is complete. And I know he will lead the country on to great achievements, but it would be useless to pretend that either he or any of those successors who may one day follow him in office, will ever, for me, be able to hold the place of my first Prime Minister, to whom my husband and I owe so much. And for whose wise guidance, during the early years of my reign, I shall always be so profoundly grateful. I will remember you always for your magnanimity, your courage at all times. And for your unfailing humor. Founded in your unrivaled mastery of the English language. I take comfort from the fact, that in losing my constitutional adviser, I gain a wise counsellor to whom I shall look for help and support in the days which lie ahead. May there be many of them. === ''Gloriana'' [1.10] === :<div align="justify">'''Cecil Beaton''': "All hail sage Lady, whom a grateful Isle hath blessed. Not moving, not breathing. Our very own goddess. Glorious Gloriana." Forgetting Elizabeth Windsor now. Now only Elizabeth Regina. == Season 2== === ''Misadventure'' [2.1] === :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': The rumors still haven't gone away. I think we both agree, it can't go on like this. So I thought we might take this opportunity, without children, without distraction, to lay our cards on the table and talk frankly, for once about what needs to change to make this marriage work. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': All right. Who goes first? Stupid question. If I've learned one thing by now, it's that I go second. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': If I am to go first, that's where I'd start. Your complaining. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': My complaining? :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': It's incessant. Whining and whingeing like a child. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': Are you surprised? The way those god-awful mustaches that run the palace continue to infantilize me. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Perhaps if you weren't behaving like an infant... :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': Giving me lists, sending me instructions. Can you imagine anything more humiliating? :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Yes. As a matter of fact, I can. I've learned more about humiliation in the last few weeks than I hoped I would in a lifetime. I've never felt more alone than I have in the past five months. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': And why do you think that was? :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Because of your behavior. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': Because you sent me away. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Yes, and why do you think that was? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': I don't know, Elizabeth. You tell me. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Because you're lost. You're lost in your role, and you're lost in yourself. Look, I realize this marriage has turned out to be something quite different to what we both imagined. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': Understatement. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': And that we find ourselves in a... :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': Prison? :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': A situation which is unique. The exit route which is open to everyone else... :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': Divorce. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Yes, divorce. It's not an option for us. Ever. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': No. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': So, what would make it easier on you? To be in, not out. What will it take? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': You're asking my price? :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': I'm asking what it will take. <hr width="50%"> :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Margot, is it possible that you're still drunk? :<div align="justify">'''Princess Margaret''': Do you know, I think I might be, slightly. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': You need to be more careful. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Margaret''': Yes, quite right. Grain and grape don't mix. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': No. I meant about where you're seen. And with ''whom''. You're drinking far more than you used to. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Margaret''': Why do you think that is? Because I'm unhappier than I used to be. And why is that? Because I am still unmarried. And why is that? Oh, because you denied me my perfect match. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': That's not fair. As your sister, I would have been perfectly happy for you to marry Peter. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Margaret''': What? :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': It was the Crown that forbade it. Not to mention the fact that he was a little old. Not really from the right... :<div align="justify">'''Princess Margaret''': No, no, no, no. Don't you dare say "background." :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Well, I just think it might have all come back to haunt you. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Margaret''': What, did Philip's Nazi sisters come back to haunt him? Or his lunatic mother? Or his womanizing, bankrupt father? <hr width="50%"> :<div align="justify">'''Anthony Eden''': In the early hours of this morning, the Israeli army launched an attack into Egyptian territory, the Sinai Peninsula, and is rapidly approaching the Suez Canal. The Egyptian army has mobilized a retaliatory force and is about to engage. Her Majesty's government has now issued a deadline to both Israel and Egypt to halt all acts of war and to allow Anglo-French forces into the country to preserve the peace. The Israelis have expressed a willingness to comply if the Egyptians do, but alas, President Nasser has thus far refused. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': When does the deadline expire? :<div align="justify">'''Anthony Eden''': Tomorrow morning, ma'am. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': And the next step, in your view, would be? :<div align="justify">'''Anthony Eden''': Military intervention, ma'am. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': War? :<div align="justify">'''Anthony Eden''': Indeed. But to keep the peace. It is the correct thing to do, ma'am. Nasser is playing roulette with the stability of the whole world. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Well, thank you for your explanation. ''[Eden rises to his feet and turns to leave]'' Before you go, I do have one or two questions. ''[Eden, caught off guard, stops and faces Elizabeth]'' When you mentioned that the Israelis had launched an attack, you didn't seem surprised. :<div align="justify">'''Anthony Eden''': Why would I seem surprised? :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Unless I'm mistaken, the Israeli position has always been that they would, under no circumstances, launch a full-scale attack by themselves for fear of diplomatic isolation. And yet they've gone on to do precisely that, indicating that either they changed their mind, ''or'' there'd been some kind of collusion. Have we? :<div align="justify">'''Anthony Eden''': Have we what? :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Colluded with Israel? In any way? :<div align="justify">'''Anthony Eden''': ''[after a long pause]'' Six days ago, this government met with representatives of the French and Israeli governments in a small village on the outskirts of Paris, where a document was signed. The Sèvres Protocol, which outlines plans for a coordinated offensive against Egypt, whereby the Israeli army would attack the Egyptian army near the Suez Canal, thus allowing the intervention of Anglo-French forces. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Who else knows about this? :<div align="justify">'''Anthony Eden''': Individual members of Cabinet. Senior members. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': But not Parliament? :<div align="justify">'''Anthony Eden''': No. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': ''Or'' the United Nations? When does all this begin? :<div align="justify">'''Anthony Eden''': Airstrikes begin tomorrow. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': You don't want to give it more time? :<div align="justify">'''Anthony Eden''': No, ma'am. The right thing to do is to go in now and to go in hard. I was right about Mussolini, I was right about Hitler, and I am right about this fella! Do I have your support? :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': The Prime Minister ''always'' has the sovereign's support. === ''A Company of Men'' [2.2] === === ''Lisbon'' [2.3] === :<div align="justify">'''Anthony Eden''': First of all, I must thank you for the way in which you have all carried on without me ... and for the manner in which Rab has very competently stood in for me in my absence. You've kept me informed of all the major decisions that had to be taken. In all these months, we have been a united government. And we shall ''remain'' a united government. :<div align="justify">'''Harold MacMillan''': But we're ''not'' a united government, are we, Anthony? The war you insisted on has left us as divided as Caesar and Pompey and the country in chaos. There is no petrol in the pumps. There are no tins on the shelves. Our allies are aligned against us. Our international reputation is in tatters. :<div align="justify">'''Anthony Eden''': How adroitly your weather vane spins, Harold. You were for the war, as I remember. :<div align="justify">'''Harold MacMillan''': Only as long as it was legal. :<div align="justify">'''Anthony Eden''': You liar. ''[slams his fist down on the table]'' ''Liar!'' You wanted it ''every bit'' as much as I did! You'd have torn off Nasser's scalp with your own fingernails given the chance, taken the oil from that canal and set the Middle East ablaze! :<div align="justify">'''Harold MacMillan''': You've lost the trust of the people and of the party. It's the end of the road. :<div align="justify">'''Anthony Eden''': A road which you ''willingly'' led me down! <hr width="50%"> :<div align="justify">'''Anthony Eden''': I'm sorry if I, uh, disappointed you. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Did I suggest that you had? :<div align="justify">'''Anthony Eden''': No, but I, I think you thought it. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': I ... I did think that the decision to go to war was rushed. And I was sorry to see you lie to the House, when you told them that you had no prior knowledge of the Israelis' intentions. We both know that to be untrue. But, wrong though it was, I did have sympathy for you. To have waited in the wings for so long and to have supported a great man like Winston so patiently, so loyally. And then to finally have your opportunity to measure yourself against him. To do nothing is often the best course of action, but I know from personal experience how frustrating it can be. History was not made by those who did nothing. So, I suppose it's only natural that ambitious men, driven men want to go down in history. :<div align="justify">'''Anthony Eden''': Or make history by going down. <hr width="50%"> :<div align="justify">'''Harold MacMillan''': With Eden's war, we've discarded the moral advantage or any goodwill we once held. Not to mention the dire economic situation. It's really been quite ruinous. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': But it wasn't just Eden's war, was it? It was a war prosecuted by a government of which you, as chancellor, were a major constituent part. I also seem to remember that you were one of the loudest voices in support of the war in the beginning. One always has to accept one's own part, I believe, in any mess. === ''Beryl'' [2.4] === :<div align="justify">'''Princess Margaret''': You pathetic, weak, contemptible fool. I never even wanted to marry you. You were only ever an act of charity. Or desperation. And now you insult me? ''You''? People like you don't get to insult people like me. You get to be eternally grateful. You've quite the way with women. Take a look at this face. A picture of disappointment and disgust. ''This'' is the look that every woman you ever know will come to share. ''This'' is what the next forty years of your life will look like. <hr width="50%"> :<div align="justify">'''Princess Margaret''': It was the first room I've ever been to where nobody got up, bowed, curtsied. Some just carried on having conversations, as if I wasn't there at all. Those that did talk to me did with such indifference or nonchalance, it verged on impertinence. There was this one in particular. Tony. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Anthony, surely? :<div align="justify">'''Princess Margaret''': No, he insisted. Tony. Armstrong-Jones. He's this photographer. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Like Cecil? :<div align="justify">'''Princess Margaret''': Oh, no, nothing like Cecil. Couldn't be less like Cecil. Well, maybe a bit like Cecil, in that he's obviously queer. Though interestingly, Elizabeth denies it. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Elizabeth who? :<div align="justify">'''Princess Margaret''': ''Cavendish''. I called her when I got home last night and interrogated her. "What are the five most important things I need to know about that man?" :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Why five? :<div align="justify">'''Princess Margaret''': I don't know. Felt like the right number. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Why not three? :<div align="justify">'''Princess Margaret''': He's more interesting than three. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': So, what did she say? :<div align="justify">'''Princess Margaret''': One, that he's Welsh. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Is that interesting? :<div align="justify">'''Princess Margaret''': No, not particularly. That he had polio as a child. That he has a passion for inventing things. And he would never dream of being anything as straightforward as "simply queer." :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': What on earth does that mean? :<div align="justify">'''Princess Margaret''': I'm not altogether sure. But I'm also not incurious to find out. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': What was number five? :<div align="justify">'''Princess Margaret''': That was five. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': ''No'', Margaret, that was four. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Margaret''': All right. Five is I liked him. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Yes, I can tell that. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Margaret''': There's a contempt in him. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': What for? :<div align="justify">'''Princess Margaret''': For ''me''. For ''us''. For everything we represent. I actually think you'd like him. That's what's so dangerous about him. === ''Marionettes'' [2.5] === :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother''': The history of the monarchy in this country is a one-way street of humiliation, sacrifices and concessions in order to survive. First, the barons came for us, then the merchants, now the journalists. Small wonder we make such a fuss about curtsies, protocol and precedent. It's all we have left. The last scraps of armor as we go from ruling to reigning to... :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': To what? :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother''': To being nothing at all. ''Marionettes''. === ''Vergangenheit'' [2.6] === :<div align="justify">'''King George VI''': We all suspected it. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother''': These papers must never see the light of day, Winston. ''Ever''. :<div align="justify">'''Winston Churchill''': Publication could do grave harm to the national interest. :<div align="justify">'''King George VI''': The gravest. What is written here brings the greatest shame upon this family. Our people would, rightfully, never forgive us. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': We all closed our eyes, our ears to what was being said about you. We all dismissed it as fabrications, as cruel chatter, in light of your decision to give up the throne. But when the truth finally came out ... The truth! It makes a mockery of even the central tenets of Christianity. There is ''no'' possibility of my forgiving you. The question is: how on earth can you forgive yourself? === ''Matrimonium'' [2.7] === === ''Dear Mrs Kennedy'' [2.8] === :<div align="justify">'''Jackie Kennedy''': I've often wondered how someone who hates attention as much as I do ended up in a goldfish bowl like the White House. But I realize there's actually a perverse logic to a cripplingly shy person ending up in this position. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Oh, you'll have to explain that one to me. :<div align="justify">'''Jackie Kennedy''': Well, a shy person will seek out someone strong to protect them. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Yes. I'm with you so far. :<div align="justify">'''Jackie Kennedy''': And a strong character's often one who enjoys public life. Who thrives on it. And then, before you know it, the very person you've turned to in order to protect you is the very reason you are exposed. Jack's idea of heaven is a crowd. Campaigning, fund-raising, speechmaking. That's when he comes alive. He'd far sooner speak to ten thousand people under the glare of spotlights than be alone... with me. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother''': Didn't you say how unhappy she was? In the marriage? :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Yes. That's the thing about unhappiness. All it takes is for something worse to come along and you realize it was actually happiness after all. === ''Paterfamilias'' [2.9] === :<div align="justify">'''Louis Mountbatten''': You may hate him now, but one day, God willing, you will be a father yourself. And you will fall short, as all parents do. And be hated. And you will know what it is to pray for the forgiveness from your own son. === ''Mystery Man'' [2.10] === :<div align="justify">'''Harold Macmillan''': I hope you haven't come to dissuade me. The situation is quite hopeless. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': That's not my understanding. The doctors told me that the tumor was benign. :<div align="justify">'''Harold Macmillan''': It was the size of an orange. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': While that causes inconvenience and discomfort that largely... :<div align="justify">'''Harold Macmillan''': I'll still require a long period of convalescence, not be in a fit state to undertake the arduous duties as PM. I'm afraid my decision to resign is final. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': That's very disappointing, especially after our conversation. :<div align="justify">'''Harold Macmillan''': As to who should succeed me, as sovereign you have the prerogative to consult, but there's only one man, in my opinion. The Earl of Home. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Alec? Yes, we're all very fond of him, but... :<div align="justify">'''Harold Macmillan''': He's the right man. A decade younger than me, steel painted as wood, and the old governing class at its best. I would call Alec to the palace right away, ma'am. No sense dragging things out. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Is that an order, Mr. Macmillan? :<div align="justify">'''Harold Macmillan''': It would be my advice, ma'am. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Do you know, I've been Queen barely ten years. And in that time, I've had three Prime Ministers. All of them ambitious men. Clever men. ''Brilliant'' men. Not one has lasted the course. They've either been too old, too ill, or too weak. A confederacy of elected quitters. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': There are two types of people in life. Those whom one imagines to be trustworthy and reliable, who turn out to be treacherous and weak, like Mr. Macmillan. And those who appear to be complex and difficult, who turn out to be more dependable than anyone thought. Like me. I know exactly what my job is. Your father made it perfectly clear. You are my job. You are the essence of my duty. So here I am. Liegeman of life and limb. In, not out. == Season 3 == === ''Olding'' [3.1] === :<div align="justify">'''Michael Adeane''': Everyone at the Post Office is delighted with the new profile, ma'am, which they feel to be an elegant reflection of Her Majesty's transition from young woman to... :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Old bat? :<div align="justify">'''Michael Adeane''': Mother of four and settled sovereign. The Postmaster General himself commented that the two images, the young and the ''slightly'' older Queen, are almost identical. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Postmaster Bevins is very kind. He's also a barefaced liar. :<div align="justify">'''Michael Adeane''': Just the tiniest changes, in the hair... :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': A great many changes. But there we are. Age is rarely kind to anyone. Nothing one can do about it. One just has to get on with it. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': You were my guardian angel. The roof over my head. The spine in my back. The iron in my heart. You were the compass that steered and directed me. Not just me, all of us. Where would Great Britain be without its greatest Briton? God bless you, Winston. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Harold Wilson''': Uh, well, I suppose I should kick things off with an apology. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Whatever for? :<div align="justify">'''Harold Wilson''': Well, ''winning''. I'm aware of your affection for my predecessor and doubtless you'd have preferred him to have continued in office. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': It is my duty ''not'' to have preferences. :<div align="justify">'''Harold Wilson''': Well, we all do though, don't we? We can't help it. It's human nature. And I can see the attraction of someone like "Posh Alec." Someone you can chat with about the racing, someone well-bred, highborn, who knows how to hold his cutlery, as opposed to a ruffian like me. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Hardly. :<div align="justify">'''Harold Wilson''': Still, the country said otherwise. They'd had enough of the mess those Conservatives left us and the havoc they wreaked. Soaring land and house prices, race riots, sex scandals, large-scale unemployment, rejection from the EEC, ''and'' an annual trade deficit of £800 million. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Yes, it's an unenviable legacy. What will you do about the balance of payments? Will you devalue? :<div align="justify">'''Harold Wilson''': No, m-ma'am. A Labour government devalued the pound once before, with little success, and my party cannot risk being seen as the party of devaluation. It is also a matter of national pride. This is still a great country, and the pound is a powerful symbol. :<div align="justify">'''Harold Wilson''': Can't have been an easy one to get used to. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': What's that? :<div align="justify">'''Harold Wilson''': Well, you being part of that symbol. Your face on every coin and banknote. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': No. I remember seeing my father's face on a shilling for the first time and thinking how odd it looked. At the same time realizing I would probably, one day, have to look at my own face. But one never knows what destiny has in store for one. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': I'm not sure what I was expecting. Each of his predecessors, Churchill, Eden, Macmillan, even Alec, each in their own way was formidable. Statesmanlike. But Wilson is neither old nor young, tall nor short, loud nor quiet, warm nor cold. He seems to have come from nowhere and is entirely unremarkable. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Alice, Duchess of Gloucester''': Best qualities in a spy. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': What did you say? :<div align="justify">'''Princess Alice, Duchess of Gloucester''': Aren't those the best qualities in a spy? Well, to be forgettable, unremarkable. Not stand out in a crowd. We used to say that about Henry, didn't we, dear? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Henry, Duke of Gloucester''': What? :<div align="justify">'''Princess Alice, Duchess of Gloucester''': That you would have made the perfect spy, because no one could remember having met you. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Henry, Duke of Gloucester''': I ... I'd say that was marginally better than everyone having nightmares having met you! <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': The very least you could do is quietly crawl away, not force us to live with you under the same roof. But doing the, the right thing, the decent thing, the honorable thing ... You wouldn't have the faintest idea what that was. Well, I am going to be watching you, and one wrong step, you treacherous snake, and I will expose you and have you thrown in jail. :<div align="justify">'''Anthony Blunt''': I would think long and hard before I did that, sir. You would do well to reflect on your own position. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': What are you talking about? :<div align="justify">'''Anthony Blunt''': You may remember, at the height of the Profumo sex scandal, there was talk of a member of the Royal Family being involved. No one knew who, but it was rumored to be a senior member of the Royal Family. ''Very'' senior. When the osteopath at the center of the scandal, Stephen Ward, took his own life, there was speculation that a number of portraits of that senior member of the Royal Family had been found in his apartment. Naturally, a great many people were keen to get their hands on those portraits. Mercifully, someone respected and well connected in the art world was able to make sure they didn't fall into the wrong hands. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': I never saw Stephen Ward in any capacity other than as an osteopath. If he made drawings of me, he would have done so from photographs. :<div align="justify">'''Anthony Blunt''': We all tell ourselves all sorts of things to make sense of the past. So much so that our fabrications, if we tell them to ourselves often enough, become the truth. In our minds and everyone else's. And believe you me, I'm happy for your truth to be the truth. It would be better for everyone. Imagine how awful it would be, for example, if those pictures saw the light of day now. The storm it would create. And for what? It's the past. === ''Margaretology'' [3.2] === :<div align=''justify''> '''President Lyndon B. Johnson''': Screw the Brits! I don't like 'em. I never liked 'em. If they're not looking down at you through their noses, they're holding their hands out like beggars. And I don't give a crap about any special relationship. Harold Wilson wants my help, he should have thought about that when he refused to support me over Vietnam. You can't screw a man in the ass and then expect him to buy you flowers! <hr width="50%"/> :<div align=''justify''>'''Princess Margaret''': I met him once, Kennedy. I was left distinctly underwhelmed. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify"> ''' Tommy Lascelles''': What you are suggesting is unthinkable. The order of succession to the throne is determined by the Act of Settlement of 1701, ''not'' the wild and irresponsible whims of young princesses. The principle of undisturbed hereditary descent is a pillar of stability and perpetuity for the nation. Princess Elizabeth's destiny is to accede to the throne. Yours is to serve and support. I would urge you to accept your position in life ... and to dismiss forthwith any childish notions about rewriting the rule books that it might better suit your character. We all have a role to play. Princess Elizabeth's will be center-stage, and yours, ma'am, will be from the wings. === ''Aberfan'' [3.3] === :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Churchill would have had the character to do it face to face. Come to think of it, so would Anthony Eden. And Harold Macmillan. Each of them would have had the courage to express their anger to me directly. None of them would ever have resorted to going behind my back like that. I have it on authority you tipped off journalists that I was letting the side down by not going to Aberfan. :<div align="justify">'''Harold Wilson''': Never. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': It wasn't you? :<div align="justify">'''Harold Wilson''': No, ma'am. But perhaps one or two of my colleagues, concerned at the anger being directed at the government... :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Broke ranks? Took matters into their own hands? :<div align="justify">'''Harold Wilson''': It's possible. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Perhaps they're right. The people of Aberfan deserved a prompt response. They didn't get one. They deserved a display of compassion, of empathy from their Queen. :<div align="justify">'''Harold Wilson''': And they got it yesterday. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': They got nothing. I dabbed a bone-dry eye, and by some miracle, no one noticed. After the Blitz, when we visited hospitals, I saw what my parents, the King and Queen, saw. They wept. I couldn't. :<div align="justify">'''Harold Wilson''': Well, you, you were a child. What do you expect? :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Not just as a child. When my grandmother, Queen Mary, whom I loved very much, when she died, nothing. :<div align="justify">'''Harold Wilson''': Well, she had been ill a long time. It had been expected. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': When I had my first child, a moment of such significance for every mother ... I have known for some time there is something wrong with me. :<div align="justify">'''Harold Wilson''': Not wrong. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Deficient, then. How else would you describe it when something is missing? :<div align="justify">'''Harold Wilson''': These meetings are confidential, yes? I have never done a day's manual work in my life. Not one. I am an academic, a privileged Oxford don, not a worker. I don't like beer. I prefer brandy. I prefer wild salmon to tinned salmon. Chateaubriand to steak and kidney pie. And I don't like pipe smoking. I far prefer cigars. But cigars are a symbol of capitalist privilege. So, I smoke a pipe, on the campaign trail and on television. Makes me more approachable. Likable. We can't be everything to everyone and still be true to ourselves. We do what we have to do as leaders. That's our job. Our job is to calm more crises than we create. That's our job, and you do it very well indeed. And in a way, your absence of emotion is a blessing. No one needs hysteria from a head of state. And the truth is, we barely need humanity. === ''Bubbikins'' [3.4] === :<div align="justify">'''Michael Adeane''': ''[after hearing Philip calling for "sweetie" on the tannoy and assuming he wants to speak to Elizabeth]'' His Royal Highness the Duke of... :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Not me, I'm afraid. I'm "darling" or "cabbage." "Sweetie" is someone else. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': I owe you an apology. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Alice''': Whatever for? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': My faithlessness. All this time, I've been trying to keep you out of sight of the cameras, when, quite clearly, you should have been centre stage. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Alice''': If anyone owes anyone an apology, we both know it's the other way round. At least your sisters had something of their mother. When we were forced to leave Greece, I couldn't cope. I needed care. I needed help. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': But that, that wasn't help that they gave you. It was torture. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Alice''': They tried their best. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': ''No''. The treatment they gave you was barbaric. And your courage in rising above it was remarkable. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Alice''': I didn't do it alone. I couldn't have. I had help every step of the way. Now, Bubbikins, you mentioned faithlessness. How is your faith? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': Dormant. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Alice''': What? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': ''Dormant''. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Alice''': That's not good. Let this be a mother's gift to her child. The one piece of advice. Find yourself a faith. It helps. No, not just helps. It's ''everything''. === ''Coup'' [3.5] === :<div align="justify">'''Louis Mountbatten''': I'm getting a feeling that I've not had since Dieppe, that I'm walking into a trap. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': I'd like to think you had that sinking feeling on another occasion recently, when going to see your friends at the Bank of England. Is it even true? :<div align="justify">'''Louis Mountbatten''': Yes, I did go to lunch at the Bank of England to meet and listen to people who are horrified by what's happening to the country. A horror I hope you share. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Perhaps. But conspiring with them is not the solution. :<div align="justify">'''Louis Mountbatten''': It is the beginning of a solution. Why are you doing this? Why would you protect a man like Wilson? :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': I am protecting the Prime Minister. I am protecting the constitution. I am protecting democracy. :<div align="justify">'''Louis Mountbatten''': But if the man at the heart of that democracy threatens to destroy it, are we supposed to just stand by and do nothing? :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Yes. Doing nothing is exactly what we do, and bide our time, and wait for the people that voted him in to vote him out again, if indeed that is what they decide to do. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Princess Alice''': One of the few joys of being as old as we both are is that it's not our problem. It's not really our country, either. :<div align="justify">'''Louis Mountbatten''': What are you talking about? Of course it's our country. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Alice''': We Battenbergs have no country. Our family might have kings and queens in its ranks, but we're mongrels, too. Part-German, part-Greek, part-nowhere at all. :<div align="justify">'''Louis Mountbatten''': Well, this is my country. It gave me a home, it gave me a name, and in return, I've given it my life. And to see it like this breaks my heart. === ''Tywysog Cymru'' [3.6] === :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': I've had the opportunity now to read the translation of what you actually said, and the inferences you made. The similarity between Wales's suffering and yours was clear. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': Was it? :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Unmistakable. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': Only to you. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': To all Wales, apparently. ''[walks over to her bed and picks up the translated copy of Charles' speech]'' "If this union is to endure, then we must learn to respect each other's differences. Nobody likes to be ignored, to not be seen or heard or listened to." :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': Well, am I wrong? Isn't there a similarity between my predicament and the Welsh? Am I listened to in this family? Am I seen for who and what I am? ''No''. Do I have a voice? :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Rather too much of a voice for my liking. Not having a voice is something all of us have to live with. We have all made sacrifice and suppressed who we are. Some portion of our natural selves is always lost. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': That is a choice. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': It is not a choice. It is a duty. I was a similar age to you when your great-grandmother, Queen Mary, told me that to do nothing, to say nothing, is the hardest job of all. It requires every ounce of energy that we have. To be impartial is not natural, it's not human. People will always want us to smile or agree, or frown or speak, and the minute that we do, we will have declared a position, a point of view, and that is the one thing, as the royal family, we are not entitled to do. Which is why we have to hide those feelings, keep them to ourselves. Because the less we do, the less we say or speak or agree or... :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': Think. Or breathe. Or feel or exist. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': The better. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': But doing that is perhaps not as easy for me as it is for you. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Why? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': Because I have a beating heart. A character. A mind and a will of my own. I am not just a symbol. I can lead not just by wearing a uniform, or by cutting a ribbon, but by showing people who I am. Mummy, I have a voice. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Let me let you into a secret. No one wants to hear it. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': Are you talking about the country or my own family? :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': ''No one''. === ''Moondust'' [3.7] === :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': My mother died recently. She, she saw that something was amiss. It's a good word, that. A-Amiss. She saw that something was missing in her youngest child. Her only son. Faith. "How's your faith?" she asked me. I'm here to admit to you that I've lost it. And without it, what is there? The, the loneliness and emptiness and anticlimax of going all that way to the moon to find nothing but haunting desolation. Ghostly silence. Gloom. That is what faithlessness is. As opposed to finding wonder, ecstasy, the miracle of divine creation, God's design and purpose. What am I trying to say? I'm trying to say that the solution to our problems, I think, is not in the, in the ingenuity of the rocket, or the science or the technology or even the bravery. No, the answer is in here. Or here, or wherever it is that, that faith resides. And so, Dean Woods, having ridiculed you for what you and these poor, blocked, lost souls were, were trying to achieve here in St. George's House, I now find myself full of respect and admiration and not a small part of desperation as I come to say, ''Help''. Help me. And to admit that while those three astronauts deserve all our praise and respect for their undoubted heroism, I was more scared coming here to see you today than I would have been going up in any bloody rocket! === ''Dangling Man'' [3.8] === :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': Dear Uncle David, I want to thank you again, and Wallis, for having me at your home in the Bois de Boulogne. It's a rare thing that fate should allow a former king and a king-in-waiting to meet. To tell the truth, it opened my eyes to a few things. To the nature of kingship, the nature of love and all the difficulties that go with both. I'm sure you know the family would have preferred me not to visit you. Afraid, perhaps, I might recognize myself in you, sympathize with you. Well, let me confess that I do recognize myself in you. Your progressiveness and flair. Your individuality and imagination. What a king you would have made in a kinder world. What a king we were denied. It makes me so sad to see you living in exile, when all you did was take a stand for principle, and love one woman completely. You were cruelly denied your right to reign alongside the woman that you wanted by your side. But I give you my word. I will not be denied what you have been denied. The Crown is not a static thing resting forever on one head. It is moving. Alive. Divine. The changing face of changing times, and if, God willing, it has been ordained that I should wear it, then I shall do so on my own terms and hopefully make you proud. === ''Imbroglio'' [3.9] === :<div align="justify">'''Wallis, Duchess of Windsor''': I'm sorry not to see your girlfriend. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': Well, she's picking me up after this. We're spending the evening together before I return to Dartmouth. But don't tell anyone. It's a secret. She's not official, ''yet''. :<div align="justify">'''Wallis, Duchess of Windsor''': Is she the one? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': Yes. I think so. :<div align="justify">'''Wallis, Duchess of Windsor''': Then if I may offer two pieces of advice. Never turn your back on true love. Despite all the sacrifices and all the pain, David and I never once regretted it. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': Thank you. And the second? :<div align="justify">'''Wallis, Duchess of Windsor''': Watch out for your family. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': They mean well. :<div align="justify">'''Wallis, Duchess of Windsor''': No, they don't. === ''Cri de Coeur'' [3.10] === :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': It's age. Happens to us all. :<div align="justify">'''Harold Wilson''': Uh, no, ma'am. It's not just age. No. It's been diagnosed. It has a name. Alzheimer's. I first noticed symptoms two years ago. I always speak without notes. I've something of a photographic memory. But then one day, I dried. And in the months that followed, I noticed more forgetfulness. Agitation. Delusion. Paranoia. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': I shouldn't worry too much. Several of your predecessors had far more serious afflictions, and they continued to govern without the public being any the wiser. :<div align="justify">'''Harold Wilson''': Uh, no, ma'am, it's a ... It's a mental health issue now. I shall put myself in the hands of the doctors. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Oh, Prime Minister, I am sorry. This will come as a terrible shock. :<div align="justify">'''Harold Wilson''': Well, maybe, but, uh, no shock lasts longer than forty-eight hours. There's too much appetite for the next shock. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': I'll miss our sessions terribly. I don't mind admitting I let out an unconstitutional cheer when you beat Mr. Heath this time. :<div align="justify">'''Harold Wilson''': I always said deep down, you're a leftie at heart. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Nothing to do with the politics. You're just a better companion. Although, I wouldn't have said ''that'' the first time we met. :<div align="justify">'''Harold Wilson''': No! You thought I was going to rough you lot up. And look what a sentimental old royalist I turned out to be. ''[rises to his feet and bows]'' Your Majesty. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Prime Minister? If you saw fit to invite your Queen to supper at Downing Street before you left, she would be honored. :<div align="justify">'''Harold Wilson''': But that's an honor previously only given to Churchill. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': The Duke of Edinburgh and I would like that very much. :<div align="justify">'''Harold Wilson''': So would Mrs. Wilson and I. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Ask yourself, in the time I've been on the throne, what have I actually achieved? :<div align="justify">'''Princess Margaret''': You've been calm and stable and... :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Useless and unhelpful. This country was still great when I came to the throne, and now look. So much for the Second Elizabethan Age, which Winston talked about. All that's happened on my watch is the place has fallen apart. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Margaret''': It's only fallen apart if we say it has. That's the thing about the monarchy. We paper over the cracks. And if what we do is loud and grand and confident enough, no one will notice that all around us it's fallen apart. That's the point of us. Not us. Of you. You ''cannot'' flinch. Because if you show a single crack, we'll see it isn't a crack, but a chasm, and we'll all fall in. So ''you'' must hold it all together. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Must I do that alone? :<div align="justify">'''Princess Margaret''': There is only one queen. == Season 4 == === ''Gold Stick'' [4.1] === :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': That's the last thing this country needs. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': What? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': Two women running the shop. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Perhaps that's ''precisely'' what this country needs. I rather like what I've seen of her so far. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': What, the shopkeeper's daughter? :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': An alderman shopkeeper's daughter who worked hard and gained a scholarship to Oxford. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': Yes, to study chemistry. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Yes, but later changed direction and qualified as a barrister while raising twin children. You try doing that. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': What about her character? ''[readiing from a newspaper article]'' It says here, "As a young woman, she applied for a job as a food research chemist and was rejected after the personnel department assessed her as being headstrong, obstinate, and dangerously self-opinionated." :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Really? Who else around here does that sound like? <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Louis Mountbatten''': Dear boy! My office rang Buckingham Palace what must be an hour ago, and I've been put through to about nine different extensions. Where have we finally reached you? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': Northeast Iceland, in a lodge on the River Hofsá. :<div align="justify">'''Louis Mountbatten''': What are you doing there? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': Salmon fishing with friends. You at Classiebawn with the gang? :<div align="justify">'''Louis Mountbatten''': The whole tribe, and everyone's asking after you. Are you gonna be in London next week? I'd like to see you. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': I won't. I have a rendezvous with Camilla. We've found a couple of days where we could catch up. :<div align="justify">'''Louis Mountbatten''': Oh, Charles, you're not still seeing her? You know what the family thinks. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': Yes, I'm perfectly aware of what the family thinks. :<div align="justify">'''Louis Mountbatten''': And what I think too? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': Yes, and the richness of that is not lost on me either. The idea that you, of all people, should lecture me about the sanctity of marriage... :<div align="justify">'''Louis Mountbatten''': ''[talking over Charles]'' I don't lecture you. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': ...and affairs of the heart needing to be conventional, because you and Edwina hardly blazed a trail in that department. At least when Camilla and I commit adultery, there aren't national security implications involved. :<div align="justify">'''Louis Mountbatten''': That was uncalled for. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': So is your unwelcome intervention in this matter. Honestly, you make a great show of being my ally in this family, watching my back, but when the chips are down, you're just a quisling. A fifth columnist playing for the other side. The fact is, I haven't met anyone I like as much as Camilla, who is herself trapped in a marriage of your engineering... :<div align="justify">'''Louis Mountbatten''': ''[talking over Charles]'' My own engineering? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': ...with a husband who's bedding half of Gloucestershire. Invite us both to Broadlands soon and you'll see how happy we actually make one another. That is, if my happiness is even remotely important to you. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Louis Mountbatten''': My dear Charles, there exists no greater compliment than to be called a "prince among men." Such a person earns his title with his ability to lead and inspire, elusive virtues to which you must reach and rise. And it grieves me to say that you are not working hard enough to reach and to rise. The choice of a woman was the issue around which the last Prince of Wales came to grief. And it's astonishing to me that, forty years after the abdication, you are making so little attempt to conceal your infatuation for another man's wife. How could you contemplate such ruin and disappointment to yourself, to your family, to me? Must I remind you again of the importance of building your destiny with some sweet and innocent, well-tempered girl with no past, who knows the rules and will follow the rules? Someone with whom you can make a fresh start and build a new life. One that people will love as a princess and, in due course, as queen. This is your duty now, your most important task. You are more than a man, more than a prince, and one day, dear boy, you shall be king. But now, to the sea. I miss you enormously. There is no one whose company I enjoy more. But I think you know that. Your ever-loving honorary grandpa, Dickie. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': I am sick and tired of those who would seek to rationalize and make excuses for the atrocities committed by the IRA. There's no such thing as political murder or political bombing or political violence. There's only ''criminal'' murder, ''criminal'' bombing, and ''criminal'' violence. And I give you my word, I will wage a war against the Irish Republican Army with relentless determination and without mercy until that war is won. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Princess Diana''': Royal Highness, I just wanted to offer my condolences. It must have been completely devastating for you. And your reading at the Abbey, how you held it all together under the circs, I don't know how you did that. It was utterly brilliant. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': Thank you. I'm sorry. We haven't met. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Diana''': We have. I was in costume at the time. Sarah Spencer's younger sister. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': Oh, the mad tree. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Diana''': Diana. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': Yes. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Diana''': Sarah told me how close you were to Lord Mountbatten, that he was like a father to you. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': Yes. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Diana''': It must all be unimaginably awful. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': Thank you. It has been. === ''The Balmoral Test'' [4.2] === :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': While stalking, the trick really is to disappear into nature. To preserve the element of surprise. So next time you might not wear bright blue. It means the stag can see you. Or wear scent. It means he can smell you. ''[Thatcher stumbles and loudly gasps]'' Now he can hear you, too. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': I do hope you enjoyed your holiday. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Very much. Scotland in the summer is such a blessing. I'm always mystified by those that don't feel at home at Balmoral. Some people just don't. They come and are bewildered by it, by the weather and traditions. They see only cruelty in the blood sports instead of kindness or necessity. But there have been blood sports here too. You have a brand-new cabinet. :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': I have. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Mostly older ministers that were culled. :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': Yes, although it wasn't just their age that decided it. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Rather? :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': Their background, mostly. And lack of grit, as a consequence of their privilege and entitlement. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Always a mistake to assume just because people are privileged, they lack grit. And a dangerous game, I think, to make enemies left, right, and center. :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': Not if one is comfortable with having enemies. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Are you? :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': Oh, yes. Inspired by the words of the Chartist poet Charles Mackay. "You have no enemies, you say? Alas! My friend, the boast is poor. He, who has mingled in the fray of duty, that the brave endure, must have made foes! If you have none, small is the work that you have done. You've hit no traitor on the hip, you've dashed no cup from perjured lip, you've never turned the wrong to right, you've been ''a coward'' in the fight." === ''Fairytale'' [4.3] === :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': ''[talking to Charles on the eve of his wedding]'' When your great-grandmother, Queen Mary, was a beautiful young princess, she was about to marry her Prince Charming. But before they got to the church, he fell ill and died. But everyone had been so impressed with her, that they put her together with his younger brother. Only one problem. The younger brother was Prince ''Charmless''. Dull and shy. There was no attraction, certainly no love. But in order to make the marriage work, they were encouraged to focus on the bigger idea. Duty. They worked and worked and worked. And out of that work, a tiny seed grew. A seed of respect and admiration, a seed that grew into a flower they could eventually call love. They were married for forty-two years. They stabilized a country that was at war with itself, and they left the Crown stronger, while all around them, the great monarchies of Europe fell. Now I cannot claim to be the most intuitive mother, but I do think I know when one of my children is unhappy. Whatever wretchedness you are feeling now, whatever doubts you harbor ... If you could follow the example of your great-grandmother, love and happiness will surely follow. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Archbishop of Canterbury''': Here is the stuff of which fairy tales are made. The prince and princess on their wedding day. But fairy tales usually end at this point with the simple phrase, "They lived happily ever after." This may be because fairy tales regard marriage as an anticlimax after the romance of courtship. As husband and wife live out their vows, loving and cherishing one another, sharing life's splendors and miseries, achievements and setbacks, they will be transformed in the process. Our faith sees the wedding day not as the place of arrival, but the place where the adventure really begins. === ''Favourites'' [4.4] === :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': The very idea that the first time a prime minister should break down in this room and it be a woman. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': It is by no means the first time a prime minister has broken down in here. Over the years, this room has been part-office, part-drawing room, part-confessional, and part-psychologist's couch. We even have paper hankies. ''[gestures to the box on the table next to Thatcher]'' Or a brandy? :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': Whiskey, if you have one. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Isn't this heaven? :<div align="justify">'''Princess Anne''': If you say so. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': I do. Tucked away in the country, rain and mud and horses and dogs, children, privacy. I do envy you. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Anne''': Well, it's not quite the Eden you imagine. For a start, there isn't privacy. They are there, wherever I go. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Who? :<div align="justify">'''Princess Anne''': Journalists. Photographers who've just got it in for me. Bastards. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Well, if you will keep calling them that... :<div align="justify">'''Princess Anne''': I told them to naff off. Once. And can you blame me? They're so mean to me all the time. I'm pretty low-key, as you know. I don't want praise or attention or thanks. But I'm only human. Sometimes even a pit pony needs a pat on the head. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': I know the feeling. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Anne''': It's not easy working in the heat and squalor of a Third World country doing real work for real charities. But do I get as much as a mention in any newspaper? Or a thank you? Do I heck. And yet all she has to do is put on a frock, and she's all over all the front pages, and everyone's falling over in shock at how wonderful she is. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Who? :<div align="justify">'''Princess Anne''': ''Her''. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Diana. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Anne''': The only other young female in the family, yes, against whom I am now always compared. Lovely her, dumpy me. Smiling her, grumpy me. Charming her, awful me. And the constant questions about my marriage all the time, about Mark. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Yes, how is Mark? :<div align="justify">'''Princess Anne''': That's it, exactly like that. "How is Mark?" Mark's fine! I'm fine. The children are fine. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Well, I'm happy to hear that. Only there has been talk. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Anne''': I thought you didn't listen to talk. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': And a meeting recently with Commander Trestrail. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Anne''': Who? :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': The head of the Royal Protection Branch. He felt compelled to mention rumors about a Sergeant Cross, and the two of you being intimate. And in light of these rumors, Scotland Yard has recommended his transfer back to desk duties in Croydon. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Anne''': Don't, don't do that to me. You ca ... You can't. He is the one thing that makes me happy. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': You have so much to make you happy. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Anne''': Then how come none of it does? :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': It will again if you're patient. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Anne''': Is that it? Is that the advice? "Stick it out, grin and bear it. Persevere"? :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Well, these things usually pass if you have the patience to wait. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Anne''': I used to enjoy my reputation as the difficult one. I used to relish scaring people a bit because I could control it. But recently, I'm the one who's scared. Because it's starting to feel more like ''it'' controls ''me'', and it's changed. It's not just feeling angry, but a kind of recklessness where I just want to smash it all up. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': But that will pass too. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Anne''': Is that it? Is doing nothing your solution to everything? <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Carol Thatcher''': Why is Mark so obviously your favorite? :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': What? :<div align="justify">'''Carol Thatcher''': You have twin children, and you clearly prefer one over the other. :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': Carol, that's not true. :<div align="justify">'''Carol Thatcher''': It is ''indisputably'' and ''painfully'' true. And what I want to say to you is, is that just because you had a difficult relationship with your mother ... :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': Darling, I ''really'' don't have time for this. :<div align="justify">'''Carol Thatcher''': You ''cannot'' let it affect your relationship with all women. Most of all, your own daughter. :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': Darling, you do pick your moments. I am busy. In a few minutes, I have the chiefs of staff coming. :<div align="justify">'''Carol Thatcher''': Then give me one of those minutes. You ''disregard'' me. You ''overlook'' me. And you favor Mark. :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': Because he's ''stronger''. Like my father was stronger. Yes. You are right. I did struggle with my mother, but it had nothing to do with her sex. It had to do with her weakness. I could not bear how she was prepared to just be a housewife. :<div align="justify">'''Carol Thatcher''': Because her husband treated her as such. :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': That is not true! Your grandfather, my father, was wonderful with women. ''Wonderful''. He encouraged me. He taught me. He made me who I am. He was determined my ambition be limitless. And he ''tried'' with your grandmother. But there is a limit to what one can do if people are themselves limited. === ''Fagan'' [4.5] === :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': On behalf of the government and the Metropolitan Police, I am so sorry. It is a national embarrassment that the Queen of the United Kingdom should be subjected to troublemakers and malcontents who feel at liberty to resort to violence. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Oh, but he wasn't violent. In fact, the only person Mr. Fagan hurt in the course of his break-in was himself. And while he may be a troubled soul, I don't think he's entirely to blame for his troubles, being a victim of unemployment, which is now more than twice what it was when you came into office just three years ago. :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': If unemployment is temporarily high, ma'am, then it is a necessary side effect of the medicine we are administering to the British economy. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Shouldn't we be careful that this medicine, like some dreadful chemotherapy, doesn't kill the very patient it is intended to heal? If people like Mr. Fagan are struggling, do we not have a collective duty to help them? What of our ''moral'' economy? :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': If we are to turn this country around, we really must abandon outdated and misguided notions of collective duty. There are individual men and women, and there are families. Self-interested people who are trying to better themselves. That is the engine that fires a nation. My father didn't have the state to rely on should his business fail. It was the risk of ruin and his duty to his family that drove him to succeed. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Perhaps not everyone is as remarkable as your father. :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': Oh, you see, that is where you and I differ. I say they have it within them to be. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Even someone like Mr. Fagan? :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': Mr. Fagan is another matter. Two different doctors have reached the conclusion he is suffering from a schizophrenic illness. If he is spared criminal prosecution on account of his condition, then a nice, secure mental hospital will ensure he will not be a danger any longer. Now, if you will excuse me, I really must go. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Where to? :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': To the victory parade at the City of London. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': A victory parade? :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': Yes, ma'am. We have just won a war. === ''Terra Nullius'' [4.6] === :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': I'm not blind. I can see how unhappy you are. How thin you've become. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Diana''': Trust me, you don't know the half of it. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': I know more than you think. People talk. The staff. And I was, very saddened, horrified by what I learned. So, what do you want from me? :<div align="justify">'''Princess Diana''': To be heard. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': And I'm listening. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Diana''': No, more than that. To be understood, appreciated. I don't need endless flattery. No one wants that. But I am trying my hardest to please you, to live up to your standards, and I don't think you have the faintest idea of what it's like to feel this way. To be constantly overlooked, ignored... :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': Don't have the faintest idea? I know what being overlooked feels like better than anyone. I've spent my whole life being unthanked, unappreciated, uncared for. And if I've been cold or distant with you, perhaps it's because I don't feel truly understood by you. I sometimes think you see me as an old man. Or worse, a gargoyle above the church door. Gray, made of stone, unemotional, but I'm not. You think I don't crave the occasional "Well done," or "Aren't you clever?" or even just a thank-you. I need encouragement and the occasional pat on the back too. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Diana''': Does that explain why you keep going to her? I'm not going to say her name. I'm worried if I do, I might spit. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': Camilla. What's she got to do with it? :<div align="justify">'''Princess Diana''': Well, what's what I keep asking myself. What's she got to do with anything? But, obviously, she's got a lot to do with everything because you can't leave her alone. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': She and her husband are close friends, not just of mine, but the whole family's. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Diana''': Remember I found your bracelet, the one with your nicknames engraved on it, Fred and Gladys? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': It was just harmless fun. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Diana''': Three days before our wedding, you gave that to her. And on our actual honeymoon, you wore the cuff links that she gave you, with the interlocking initials, the two Cs, interwoven and obscenely entwined like lovers. And on the same honeymoon, a photograph of her falls out of your diary. And then later in the year, I find your love letters. Page after page with a passion I'm not getting from you! :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': Because you show no interest in me! You refuse to come to Highgrove, where I'm happiest. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Diana''': Yes, because ''she'' is there! Oh, and not just her, but the gardens and the polo and the hunts, and the boring old philosophers and father substitutes who patronize me and ignore me, but ''love'' her, presumably. Which is why the two of you are perfect for each other. So, where do I fit in? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': You fit in because you're my wife. And because I love you. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Diana''': ''[stunned speechless]'' I ... I... :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': I do. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Diana''': Gosh. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': So, how are we going to solve it? :<div align="justify">'''Princess Diana''': Well ... Well, I suppose, I suppose we've got to learn to give it to each other on a more regular basis. The encouragement, I mean. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': Well, and the other thing. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Diana''': Well, yes, that too. 'Cause I still think you're gorgeous. Cleverest, handsomest man in every room. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': Do you really? ''[to himself]'' Pathetic, but I do need that sometimes. ''[to Diana]'' And you look gorgeous too. Your beauty, your radiance is a great shining, spectacular miracle. When I see the light in people's faces when they look at you, it makes me realize that I'm the luckiest man in the world and we're the luckiest family in the world. It makes me want to ring the Queen back in London and say, "Can you hear that, Mummy? Listen to that! It's 100 decibels louder than anything you ever got. Chew on that! Choke on that!" :<div align="justify">'''Princess Diana''': You know, I think this might be the most important conversation we've ever had. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': Yes. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Diana''': And the solution is so simple. Any time either of us feels we're not getting what we need, we simply need to give that very thing to the other. If you learned anything from today... :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': We both need the same as each other. To be encouraged. To be supported. And to be... appreciated. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Diana''': ''[taking Charles' hand in hers]'' To be loved? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': Yes. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': We are rather a tough bunch in this family. We don't give out much praise or love or thanks. Perhaps someoe like Diana is best placed to... :<div align="justify">'''Princess Anne''': Hug everyone else too. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': To connect with the modern world. And isn't that how the Crown survives and stays relevant? By changing with the times. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother''': Diana is an immature little girl who, in time, will give up her struggles, give up her fight, and bend, as Philip did. As they all do. And when she bends, she will fit. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': And if she doesn't bend, what then? :<div align="justify">'''Princess Margaret''': She will ''break''. === ''The Hereditary Principle'' [4.7] === :<div align="justify">'''Princess Margaret''': Five. ''Five'', Mummy! Five members of our close family locked up and neglected! :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother''': What do you expect us to do? :<div align="justify">'''Princess Margaret''': Behave like human beings. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother''': Oh, don't be so naive. We had no choice. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Margaret''': They're your nieces. Daughters of your favorite brother! :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother''': They were unwell. Aunt Fenella was overwhelmed. And then the way things suddenly changed for all of us, none of us could have foreseen it. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Margaret''': It? What's it? :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother''': The abdication... :<div align="justify">'''Princess Margaret''': No! Not everything that is wrong with this family can be explained away by the abdication. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother''': Well, the abdication did change everything. You were too young to understand. ''Everything''. It's complicated. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Margaret''': No, it's not! It's ''wicked'', and it's cold-hearted, and it's ''cruel''. And it's entirely in keeping with the ruthlessness I myself have experienced in this family. If you're not first in line, if you're an individual character with individual needs, and God forbid an irregular temperament ... If you don't fit the perfect mold of silent, dutiful supplication, then you'll be spat out, or you'll be hidden away, or, worse, declared dead! Darwin had nothing on you lot. Shame on all of you. === ''48:1'' [4.8] === :<div align="justify">'''Princess Elizabeth''': On this, the occasion of my twenty-first birthday, I welcome the opportunity to speak to all the peoples of the British Commonwealth and Empire wherever they live, whatever race they come from, and whatever language they speak. As I speak to you today from Cape Town, I am 6,000 miles from the country where I was born. But I am certainly not 6,000 miles from home. That is the great privilege of belonging to our place in the worldwide Commonwealth. There are homes ready to welcome us in every continent of the earth. Before I am much elder, I hope I shall come to know many of them. Although there is none of my father's subjects, from the eldest to the youngest, whom I do not wish to greet, I am thinking especially today of all the young men and women who were born about the same time as myself and have grown up like me in the terrible and glorious years of the Second World War. Will you, the youth of the British family of nations, let me speak on my birthday as your representative? Now that we are coming to manhood and womanhood, it is surely a great joy to us all to think that we shall be able to take some of the burden off the shoulders of our elders, who have fought and worked and suffered to protect our childhood. To that generation, I say we must not be daunted by the anxieties and hardships the war has left behind for every nation of our Commonwealth. We know these things are the price we cheerfully undertook to pay for the high honor of standing alone seven years ago in defense of the liberty of the world. If we all go forward together with an unwavering faith, a high courage, and a quiet heart, we shall be able to make of this ancient Commonwealth, which we all love so dearly, an even grander thing. More free, more prosperous, more happy, and a more powerful influence for good in the world than it has been in the greatest days of our forefathers. To accomplish that, we must give nothing less than what my father, King George, the first head of the Commonwealth, calls "the whole of ourselves." There is a motto which has been borne by many of my ancestors. A noble motto. ''I serve''. I should like to make that dedication now. It's very simple. I declare before you all that my whole life, whether it be long or short, shall be devoted to your service, and the service of our great imperial family to which we all belong. God help me to make good my vow and God bless all of you who are willing to share in it. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': It is my fervent hope that Britain will join the other countries of the Commonwealth and impose sanctions on an apartheid regime that has no place in the modern world. :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': Let us be quite clear about this. Nothing useful can be achieved by sanctions. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Really? It was my understanding they would devastate the South African government. :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': Well, they would devastate us too. Trade between our two countries is worth three billion pounds a year. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': I thought we might look at it from the South African point of view. :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': I ''am'', ma'am. South Africa is already a disinvestment economy. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': But Black South Africans ''want'' sanctions, so shouldn't we listen to them? :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': Black South Africans don't want to inherit a wasteland. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': They will if they feel it is their wasteland. President Kaunda of Zambia would confirm as much. :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': It is not the business of a British prime minister to consult with unelected dictators. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': But it is a sovereign's duty when they are part of the Commonwealth. :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': Yes. The Commonwealth. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Yes, the Commonwealth. :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': I recognize that for your family, the transition of this nation from Empire to comparative supplicancy on the world stage must have come as a greater shock than to the rest of us. But I would argue that the Commonwealth is ''not'' the way to fill that gap. There ''are'' ways of Britain being great again, and that is through a revitalized economy, ''not'' through association with unreliable tribal leaders in eccentric costumes. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': But isn't that all I am, Prime Minister? A tribal leader in eccentric costume? :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': Certainly not. You're head of an evolved constitutional monarchy that stretches back to William the Conqueror. It's not comparing like with like. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Ah, now that's where we differ. You see, I consider myself to be ''exactly'' like them. To me, Ghana, Zambia, Malawi are all great sovereign nations with great histories. I am aware you probably don't share that view. To you, the Commonwealth is something of a distraction, a waste of time. But in many ways, I have given my life to it. It was the pledge I made forty years ago. :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': On the wireless. "To our great imperial family." I remember listening to it as a student at Oxford. But we ''cannot'' let the values of the past distract us from the realities of the present, particularly where Britain's economic interests are concerned. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': Before coming today, I checked with the Cabinet Secretary, and it turns out that in the seven years I have been Prime Minister, we have had 164 audiences, always the model of cordiality, productivity, and mutual respect. So it is perhaps not unreasonable to expect an isolated hiccup. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': What hiccup? :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': I was under the impression that Her Majesty never expressed her political views in public. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': I don't. :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': That there was an unbreakable code of silence between Sovereign and First Minister. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': If you're referring to the Sunday Times, I had nothing to do with that story. I've always advised my prime ministers against reading newspapers. :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': I ''don't'', ma'am. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': They misunderstand, misquote, and misrepresent. Then everybody gets into a fluster. :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': But my press secretary does, and he has working relationships with all of the editors, and the editor in this case assured him that the sources were unimpeachable. Close to the Queen. ''Unprecedentedly'' close. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Well, I'm sure a clarification will soon be forthcoming. In the meantime, should we make a start on the business of the week? Only I am mindful of the time. :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': This ''is'' the business, ma'am. The ''only'' business. I think we have enough respect for one another personally to ask ourselves some of the bigger questions, woman to woman. We are the same age, after all. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Are we? :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': Just six months between us. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Oh? And who is the senior? :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': I am, ma'am. ''[pulls a copy of the Sunday Times from her handbag]'' "Uncaring, confrontational, and socially divisive." That's how these sources so close to the Queen describe me. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Prime Minister... :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': That I lack compassion. And that my government has done irretrievable damage to the country's social fabric. My responsibility, for the time I have in office, is to put sentimentality to one side and look after this country's interests with the perspective of a cold balance sheet. And while I greatly admire your sense of fairness and compassion for those less fortunate than us... :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Do you? Really? :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': Let us not forget that of the two of us, ''I'' am the one from a small street in an irrelevant town with a father who could not bequeath me a title or a Commonwealth, but only grit, good sense, and determination. And I don't want people's pity or charity or compassion. Nothing would insult me more. My goal is to change this country from being dependent to self-reliant, and I think in that, I am succeeding. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': I have had to learn many difficult lessons as sovereign... :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': Britons are learning to look after number one, to get ahead, and only then, if they choose, to look after their neighbor. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Of those... :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': No one would remember the Good Samaritan if he only had good intentions. You see, he had money as well. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Perhaps the hardest is that I am obliged to support my prime ministers on any position they take, even yours, regarding sanctions against South Africa. My question is, given the lack of impact it has on your day-to-day political fortunes, yet how important it is to me ... Could you not have supported me just once? My fellow Commonwealth leaders, many of whom I consider to be friends, now feel that I have betrayed them on an issue most important to them. :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': Well, they need only read the Sunday Times. It will give them no doubt as to your position. ''[checks her watch]'' Oh look, our time is up. How it flies. You must be very much looking forward to the wedding tomorrow of Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Yes, we are. :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': They seem like a good match. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Yes, we think so. :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': My own son, Mark, recently announced that he would be getting married. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Your favorite? The explorer? :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': Not an explorer, ma'am. That was just the once. He's a businessman now. In the Middle East, mostly. ''And'' South Africa. === ''Avalanche'' [4.9] === :<div align="justify">'''Princess Anne''': I'm going to be frank with you. No one wants your marriage to end, not a single person. Not Diana, not your children, not your mother or father, not me, not a single one of your friends, and, most importantly, not even the woman you think loves you. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': Oh, what rubbish! :<div align="justify">'''Princess Anne''': No, listen! Listen to me. No one can bear to watch the mess you are making, and someone needs to explain things to you. I'm close to Camilla's husband, as you know... :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': Yes, I'm aware. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Anne''': ...and speak to Andrew regularly. And while theirs is not a perfect marriage... :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': Understatement. :<div align="justify">'''Princesss Anne''': ...it is a long-lasting marriage. And, in its own way, a happy marriage. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': She's not happy. :<div align="justify">'''Princesss Anne''': She's happier than you think. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': That he's bedding most of her friends? :<div align="justify">'''Princess Anne''': It's complicated! The majority of marriages survive because the majority of people aren't fantasists. They are realists and accept the imperfect reality of being human. And although Camilla doubtless has feelings for you, deep feelings, it is maybe not quite the great Romeo-Juliet thing you imagine. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': What? You're lying. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Anne''': No, I'm not. I'm trying to protect you. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': I come here seeking comfort from my sibling, and what do I get? :<div align="justify">'''Princess Anne''': The unvarnished truth. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': What does one have to do to get some kindness in this family? === ''War'' [4.10] === :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': ''[commenting on the news of Sir Geoffrey Howe's resignation]'' It's the Ides of March. It's ''Julius Caesar''. Or should I say '''''Julia''' Caesar''. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': President Bush called to tell me he thought it barbaric. Chancellor Kohl said it was inhumane. Mikhail Gorbachev reminded me that ten years ago, it was Britain holding democratic elections whilst Russia staged cabinet coups. Now it's the other way round. What they all agree on is that getting rid of me is an act of national self-harm, which is why I've come to you, ma'am, that together we may act in the national self-interest. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': How might I help? :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': By dissolving Parliament. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': What? :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': We are on the brink of war. What kind of signal does that give to our enemies, to Saddam, if we were to change leadership now? It would make us look hopelessly weak and divided. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': I agree it's not ideal. Have you consulted Cabinet on this matter? :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': I have not, ma'am. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Surely that would be the normal course of action? :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': With all due respect, the decision to dissolve Parliament is in the gift of the prime minister alone. It is entirely within my power to do this if I see fit. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': You are correct. Technically, it ''is'' within your power to request this. But we must all ask ourselves when to exercise those things that are within our power and when not to. Your first instinct as a person, I think, is often to act. To exercise power. :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': Well, that is what people want in a leader. To show conviction and strength. To lead. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': I'm merely asking the question. Whether it is correct to exercise a power simply because it is yours to use. Power is nothing without authority. And at this moment, your Cabinet is against you. Your party is against you. And if the polls are to be believed, if you were to call a general election today, you would not win. Which suggests ''the country'' is against you. Perhaps the time has come for you to try doing nothing for once. :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': The difference is you have power in doing nothing. I will have nothing. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': You ''will'' have your dignity. :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': There is no dignity in the wilderness. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Then might I suggest you don't think of it as that. Think of it as an opportunity to pursue other passions. :<div align="justify">'''Margaret Thatcher''': I have other loves. My husband, my children ... But this job is my only true passion. And to have it taken from me, stolen from me so cruelly ... What hurts the most is that we had come so far. And now to have the opportunity to finish the job snatched away at the very last ... <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Camilla Parker Bowles''': If you care about me as much as you say you do, sir, then you will let go of these ideas about breaking up with Diana. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': Why? Don't you want us to be free? To live our life in the open? :<div align="justify">'''Camilla Parker Bowles''': I do. But I want to be humiliated and attacked even less. That's what'll happen if you put me in a popularity contest against her. I will lose. I'm an old woman. I'm a married woman. Nowhere near as pretty, nowhere near as radiant. Someone who looks like me has no place in a fairytale. That's all people want, is a fairytale. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': If they knew the truth about our feelings for one another, they'd have their fairytale. :<div align="justify">'''Camilla Parker Bowles''': ''No.'' To be the protagonist of a fairy tale, you must first be wronged. A victim. Which, if we were to become public, we would make her. In the narrative laws of fairy tales versus reality, the fairy tale always prevails. She will always defeat me in the court of public opinion. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': I have done my best. My very best, and I am suffering! :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': No, you are not suffering. ''We're'' suffering having to put up with this! Let me make something clear. When people look at you and Diana, they see two privileged young people who, through good fortune, ended up with everything one could dream of in life. No one, not a single breathing, living soul anywhere, sees cause for suffering. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': They would if they knew. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Knew what? They know that you betray your wife and make no attempt to hide it. They know that thanks to you, she has psychological problems and eats or doesn't eat or whatever it is she does or doesn't do. They know you're a spoiled, immature man, endlessly complaining unnecessarily, married to a spoiled, immature woman, endlessly complaining unnecessarily. And we are all heartily sick of it. All anyone wants is for the pair of you to pull yourselves together, stop making spectacles of yourselves, and make this marriage and your enormously privileged positions in life work. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': And if I want to separate? :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': You will ''not'' separate ''or'' divorce ''or'' let the side down in any way. And if one day you expect to be king... :<div align="justify">'''Prince Charles''': I do. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Then might I suggest you start to behave like one. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': We can be a rough bunch in this family. And I'm sure, on occasion, to a sensitive creature like you, it must feel like ... Well, let me ask. What ''does'' it feel like? :<div align="justify">'''Princess Diana''': A cold, frozen tundra. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': Right. Like that, then. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Diana''': An icy, dark, loveless cave with no light. No hope. Anywhere. Not even the faintest crack. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': I see. He will come around. Eventually. When he realises he can never have the other one. Would it help you to realise we all think he's quite mad? :<div align="justify">'''Princess Diana''': That might have reassured me once. But I worry we're past that point now, Sir. And if he, if this family, can't give me the love and security that I feel I deserve, then I believe I have no option but to break away, officially, and find it myself. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': I wouldn't do that if I were you. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Diana''': Why not? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': Let's just say I can't see it ending well for you. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Diana''': I hope that isn't a threat, sir. :''[The door to Diana's bedroom opens and an Equerry steps inside] :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': ''[to the Equerry]'' No, not now! Out. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Diana''': Although we are both outsiders who married in, you and I are quite different. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Philip''': Yes. I can see that now. You're right to call me an outsider. I was an outsider the day that I met the ... the 13-year-old princess who would one day become my wife. And after all these years, I still am. We all are. Everyone in this system is a lost, lonely, irrelevant outsider apart from the one person, the ''only'' person, that matters. She is the oxygen we all breathe. The essence of all our duty. Your problem, if I may say, is you seem to be confused about who that person is. == Cast == * [[w:Claire Foy|Claire Foy]] (seasons 1–2, featured season 4) and [[w:Olivia Colman|Olivia Colman]] (seasons 3–4) - [[Queen Elizabeth II]] * [[Matt Smith (actor)|Matt Smith]] (seasons 1–2) and [[w:Tobias Menzies|Tobias Menzies]] (seasons 3–4) - [[Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh]] * [[w:Vanessa Kirby|Vanessa Kirby]] (seasons 1–2) and [[Helena Bonham Carter]] (seasons 3–4) - [[Princess Margaret, Countess of Snowdon]] * [[w:Eileen Atkins|Eileen Atkins]] - [[Mary of Teck|Queen Mary]] (season 1) * [[w:Jeremy Northam|Jeremy Northam]] - [[Anthony Eden]] (seasons 1–2) * [[w:Victoria Hamilton|Victoria Hamilton]] (seasons 1–2) and [[w:Marion Bailey|Marion Bailey]] (seasons 3–4) - [[w:Queen Elizabeth The Queen Mother|Queen Elizabeth The Queen Mother]] * [[w:Ben Miles|Ben Miles]] - Group Captain [[w:Peter Townsend (RAF officer)|Peter Townsend]] (season 1, featured season 2) * [[w:Greg Wise|Greg Wise]] (seasons 1–2) and [[Charles Dance]] (season 3, featured season 4) – [[w:Louis, Earl Mountbatten of Burma|Louis, Earl Mountbatten of Burma]] * [[w:Jared Harris|Jared Harris]] - [[w:King George VI|King George VI]] (season 1, featured season 2) * [[w:John Lithgow|John Lithgow]] - [[Winston Churchill]] (season 1, featured seasons 2–3) * [[w:Alex Jennings|Alex Jennings]] (seasons 1–2) and [[w:Derek Jacobi|Derek Jacobi]] (featured season 3) – [[w:Prince Edward, Duke of Windsor|Prince Edward, Duke of Windsor]] * [[w:Lia Williams|Lia Williams]] (seasons 1–2) and [[w:Geraldine Chaplin|Geraldine Chaplin]] (season 3) - [[Wallis, Duchess of Windsor]] * [[w:Anton Lesser|Anton Lesser]] - [[Harold Macmillan]] (season 2) * [[w:Matthew Goode|Matthew Goode]] (season 2) and [[w:Ben Daniels|Ben Daniels]] (season 3) - [[w:Antony Armstrong-Jones, Earl of Snowdon|Antony Armstrong-Jones, Earl of Snowdon]] * [[w:Jason Watkins (actor)|Jason Watkins]] - [[Harold Wilson]] (season 3) * [[w:Erin Doherty|Erin Doherty]] - [[w:Princess Anne|Princess Anne]] (seasons 3–4) * [[w:Jane Lapotaire|Jane Lapotaire]] - [[w:Princess Alice of Battenberg|Princess Alice of Battenberg]] (season 3) * [[w:Josh O'Connor|Josh O'Connor]] - [[Charles, Prince of Wales]] (seasons 3–4) * [[w:Michael Maloney|Michael Maloney]] - [[Edward Heath]] (season 3) * [[w:Emerald Fennell|Emerald Fennell]] - [[w:Camilla Parker Bowles|Camilla Parker Bowles]] (seasons 3–4) * [[w:Andrew Buchan|Andrew Buchan]] - [[w:Andrew Parker Bowles|Andrew Parker Bowles]] (season 3, recurring season 4) * [[Gillian Anderson]] - [[Margaret Thatcher]] (season 4) * [[w:Emma Corrin|Emma Corrin]] - [[Diana, Princess of Wales]] (season 4) * [[w:Stephen Boxer|Stephen Boxer]] - [[w:Denis Thatcher|Denis Thatcher]] (season 4) == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=4786824}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Crown, The}} [[Category:Historical dramas]] [[Category:Netflix shows]] [[Category:Current shows]] nt47ohpeqkvh1vddmk3q9ft7kkmo7nv 0 236000 3157837 2935841 2022-08-25T12:36:24Z Frank Kaurismäki 3130250 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Antjie Krog 2019.jpg|right|thumb|Krog in 2019]] '''[[w:Antjie Krog|Antjie Krog]]''' (born 23 October 1952) is a [[w:South Africans|South African]] poet, academic, and writer. In 2004, she joined the Arts faculty of the [[w:University of the Western Cape|University of the Western Cape]]. ==Quotes== *I'm a poet. I distrust anything that starts with a capital letter and ends with a full stop because people don't think in full, clear sentences. *And everyone wants to know: Who? Why? The victims ask the hardest of all the questions: How is it possible that the person I loved so much lit no spark of humanity in you? *By not dealing with past human rights violations, we are not simply protecting the perpetrators' trivial old age ; we are thereby ripping the foundations of justice from beneath new generations. *It's hard for me to speak, whether in English or Afrikaans. The reason I write is because I cannot speak. I feel blunt. *I'm a poet. I distrust anything that starts with a capital letter and ends with a full stop because people don't think in full, clear sentences. ** {{Cite web |title=Best Antjie Krog Quotes (of All Time) |url=http://https://www.pepquotes.com/antjie-krog-quotes |website=Pepquotes }} {{fix cite}} == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Krog, Antjie}} [[Category:South African poets]] [[Category:Academics]] [[Category:1952 births]] [[Category:Living people]] dz8lw9cd644drn07bsiqlkc6jq5my57 0 236285 3157958 3114363 2022-08-25T22:04:18Z WuTang94 2009776 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Poster_Zack_Snyder´s_Justice_League.png|thumb|I don't care how many demons he's fought in how many hells. He's never fought us. Not us united.<br>{{center|—''Bruce Wayne''}}]] [[File:Lightning_strike_jan_2007.jpg|thumb|"I have come to enlighten you to the great darkness! I will bathe in your [[fear]]!" <br> "Daughters of Themyscira, show him your fear!" <br> "We have no fear!"<br>{{center|—''Steppenwolf to the Amazons''}}]] '''''[[w:Zack Snyder's Justice League|Zack Snyder's Justice League]]''''' often referred to as the '''''"Snyder Cut"''''', is the [[w:2021 in film|2021]] [[w:Director's cut|director's cut]] of the [[Justice League (film)|2017 American superhero film ''Justice League'']]. It presents ''Justice League'' — the fifth film of the [[w:DC Extended Universe|DC Extended Universe (DCEU)]] and based on the [[DC Comics]] superhero team of [[w:Justice League|the same name]] — as director [[w:Zack Snyder|Zack Snyder]] had intended it before he left the production. :''Directed by [[w:Zack Snyder|Zack Snyder]]. Written by [[w:Chris Terrio|Chris Terrio]]. Story by Zack Snyder, Chris Terrio and [[w:Will Beall|Will Beall]].'' == Dialogue == [[File:CumulonimbusFlorida.jpg|thumb|I'm not broken... and I'm not alone.<br>{{center|—''Cyborg''}}]] [[File:Wonder_woman_logo_and_emblem.png|thumb|I belong to no one.<br>{{center|—''Wonder Woman''}}]] [[File:Superman S symbol.svg|thumb|"All the hopes and dreams of Krypton live in you now." <br> "I'm so proud of you, son." <br> "Your mother and I loved you." <br> "Your mother and I knew you would change the world." <br> "Your heart was tested." <br> "I know it's been hard, Clark." <br> "But you gave hope to their world." <br> "You need to show them who you are." <br> "Love them, Kal. The way we loved you." <br> "Fly, son. It's time."<br>{{center|—''[[w:Jor-El|Jor-El]] and [[w:Jonathan and Martha Kent|Jonathan Kent]]''}}]] :'''Steppenwolf''': Defenders. They have failed one hundred thousand worlds. They always fail. I have come to enlighten you to the Great Darkness! I will ''bathe'' in your [[fear]]! :'''Hippolyta''': Daughters of Themyscira... show him your fear! :'''Amazons''': We have no fear! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Steppenwolf is trying to contact DeSaad in the power plant he's turning into a makeshift fortress.]'' :'''Steppenwolf''': DeSaad. DeSaad! I call to thee. :''[DeSaad appears in a lava-like hologram.]'' :'''DeSaad''': Steppenwolf. Have you begun the conquest? :'''Steppenwolf''': ''[evasively]'' This world is divided. They're a primitive species, unevolved and at war with one another. Too ''separate'' to be one. ''[clenches his fist]'' Their free will must be ''ripped'' from them, like the other worlds. Given absolution in one glorious belief: To serve him. :'''DeSaad''': ''[completely unimpressed]'' The Mother Boxes? :'''Steppenwolf''': I have found one of the three. The one that woke and called to me. The other two still sleep, but the Parademons... ''feel'' their presence. They ''fly''. They ''search'', they take ''prisoners'' who ''carry'' the scent while I build a stronghold in the name of his glory. :'''DeSaad''': ''[sarcastically]'' Yes. "Mighty Steppenwolf", who might have sat here... by the side of the Great One. ''[inhales; scornfully]'' But ''undone'' by his ''self-pride''. :'''Steppenwolf''': ''[falls to his knees; pleadingly]'' DeSaad... I ''fall'' before you. Let me make a plea to him that I may come home... after I take this world in his name. :'''DeSaad''': ''[condescendingly]'' ''You'' betrayed him. Your ''own family''. :'''Steppenwolf''': ''[angrily; full of guilt]'' I ''saw'' my mistake. I ''slaughtered'' those who sought his throne. :'''DeSaad''': ''[coldly]'' You ''still'' owe the Great One ''50,000'' more worlds. He will hear your plea... when you ''pay your debt''. :'''Steppenwolf''': ''[rises from his knees; disappointed but resolved]'' The Mother Boxes will be found and united. No protectors here. No Lanterns. No Kryptonian. This world will fall, like all the others. :'''DeSaad''': ''[deactivates the hologram]'' For Darkseid. :'''Steppenwolf''': ''[determinately]'' For Darkseid. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cyborg''': ''[to Batman]'' I heard about you. Didn't think you were real. :'''Batman''': I'm real when it's useful. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Steppenwolf has finished building his makeshift stronghold and is updating DeSaad of his progress]'' :'''DeSaad''': Steppenwolf, tell me what you've learned. :'''Steppenwolf''': Two boxes found and awake. With the combined power of the two Mother Boxes, I've been able finish the stronghold's defenses. :'''DeSaad''': ''[not concerned with such a trivial matter]'' Where is the third Mother Box? :'''Steppenwolf''': The Parademons sense its presence and search for the third. They have taken prisoners who carry its scent. :'''DeSaad''': ''[gestures for him to leave]'' Go. Interrogate the prisoners. Find the third. :'''Steppenwolf''': ''[coldly]'' They will tell me what they know... or I will ''rip'' it from them. <hr width="50%"/> :'''DeSaad''': Have you finished the conquest? :'''Steppenwolf''': Not yet, DeSaad. :'''DeSaad''': ''[growing impatient]'' Then ''why''... do you summon me? :'''Steppenwolf''': I bring news. Before mighty Darkseid came to the throne, he searched the universe for the ultimate weapon: The Anti-Life Equation. The key to controlling ''all life'' and ''all will'' throughout the Multiverse. He found it hidden on a primitive planet, but before he-- :'''DeSaad''': ''[annoyed]'' The story of the defiance is ''well-known''. :'''Steppenwolf''': ''[angrily; tired of DeSaad's disrespect]'' I have ''found'' the primitive planet. ''[slams his axe into the floor]'' The world that ''fought back''. It is Earth. The Anti-Life Equation is ''carved'' into the ''surface'' of this ''very world''. :'''DeSaad''': ''[gasps; intrigued but skeptical]'' Are you certain? :'''Steppenwolf''': I have seen it. I have ''looked''... with my ''own eyes''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Darkseid appears before Steppenwolf, causing the former general to stumble back in absolute shock as he retracts his helmet.]'' :'''Steppenwolf''': ''[absolutely stunned; kneels]'' My Lord... :''[Steppenwolf retracts his chest, torso, and upper bicep armor.]'' :'''Darkseid''': ''[disparagingly]'' Oh, Steppenwolf. :'''Steppenwolf''': ''[imploringly]'' My Lord, I am but your humble servant. :'''Darkseid''': Can it be true that ''you'' have found it? :'''Steppenwolf''': I have, Great One. The lost world... is Earth. Anti-Life... is here. :'''Darkseid''': If it is redemption you seek, find the third box, synchronize the Unity, and when this world is ''scorched'', I will ''come'' for my ''great prize''. :'''Steppenwolf''': ''[surprised; almost overjoyed]'' You will come to Earth? :'''Darkseid''': I have turned ''100,000 worlds'' to ''dust'' looking for Anti-Life, looking for those who ''robbed'' me of my glory. I will ''stride across their bones'' and ''bask'' in the ''glow'' of Anti-Life, and ''all'' of existence ''shall'' be '''''mine'''''. :'''Steppenwolf''': ''[resolutely; determined to prove himself again]'' It shall be so, my master. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bruce Wayne''': ''[Alfred is fixing the Batplane]'' Any luck? :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': If by luck, you mean chance in hell we'll get it flying today? Then no. No luck. :'''Bruce Wayne''': It's okay. It doesn't matter. We're just gonna take the body to the Kryptonian ship. It's basically an organic computer, it can talk directly to the Mother Box. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': What? The way it talked to [[Lex Luthor]]? :'''Bruce Wayne''': Something like that. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Huh. What could possibly go wrong. Master Wayne, you did it. You put the team together to fight this war. You've fulfilled your promise. But to try to do that... I mean, your guilt's overcome your reason. Not all the kings horses nor all the kings men could... :'''Bruce Wayne''': Alfred, for once I'm operating strictly on faith, not on reason. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': But if you start playing with this little box of tricks, I mean, it could be the end of everything. How do you know you're team's strong enough? If you can't bring down the charging bull, then don't wave the red cape at it. :'''Bruce Wayne''': You do when it's this red cape. This red cape charges back. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bruce Wayne''': ''[on Superman]'' He'll be here, Alfred. I know it. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': What makes you so sure? :'''Bruce Wayne''': Faith, Alfred. Faith. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Superman arrives, wearing a black suit with a silver S symbol, at Bruce's Glasshouse, where Alfred is fixing Bruce's Aston Martin DB Mk III]'' :'''Superman''': I'm assuming you're Alfred. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Master Kent. He said you'd come. Now let's hope you're not too late. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Flash has been shot down by a parademon. Before the parademon can fire the killing shot, Batman takes out the parademon]'' :'''Batman''': Barry. Barry! Are you alright? :'''The Flash''': ''[stands up, gasping in pain]'' Just got the wind knocked out of me. Need a few seconds, that's all! :''[Cut back to Superman pummeling Steppenwolf into defeat and continuing to burn off bits of the latter's armor with his heat vision. Batman surveys from above, looking concerned as Cyborg struggles to pull apart the Unity of the Mother Boxes]'' :'''Cyborg''': ''Ugh'', Barry, where are you!? '''''It's almost synchronized!''''' :'''The Flash''': Okay, Okay! (whispers) ''Come on, Barry, you gotta heal!'' ''[Camera pans to the wound on The Flash's torso from the parademon's shot]'' :''[As Wonder Woman and Aquaman continue to watch Superman and Cyborg, a blinding light appears behind them as a boom tube opens. Superman stops pummeling Steppenwolf to look at the portal. It is DARKSEID himself, turning around to look at the situation on Earth from his palace on Apokolips]'' :'''Cyborg''': ''[desperately]'' '''''BARRRRYYYYY!!''''' :''[Superman looks in desperation at Cyborg as the Mother Boxes then stop spinning.]'' :'''Cyborg''': ''[defeatedly]'' It's too late. :''[Wonder Woman shakes her head in disbelief]'' :'''Batman''': Oh no! (grapples down in a final, desperate attempt to help) :'''Steppenwolf''': (realizing the situation) He is here! :''[The Mother Boxes complete their unity and begin to glow brightly. Cyborg looks in horror at the contraption in his hands before it explodes, beginning to wipe out the Earth as Wonder Woman yelps out in pain and horror]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the explosion reaches The Flash, he puts out his hand to phase through the destructive shockwave and looks behind him before realizing the Unity has happened]'' :'''The Flash''': ''[turns around to look at the explosion]'' NO! ''[Finally heals his wound, grimacing in pain, then looks at the explosion with resolve. He has to do what he has been avoiding, but it is now the only way left to save the world] :'''The Flash''': Okay. Just gotta go faster than the speed of light, ''far'' beyond the speed of light. Gotta break the rule, Barry! And you gotta do it ''now''! ''[Inhales before he gets into a runner's stance and sprints... ''directly'' into the explosion from the Unity] :'''The Flash''': ''[Realizing he may not survive what he is about to do]'' Dad... Whatever happens I want you to know... Your kid ''was'' one of them, dad! One of the [[Justice League|best of the best]]! :''[Amazingly, the outward expansion of the blue light emitting from the Unity explosion begins to ''shrink'' in size as The Flash's footprints begin to glow, re-making the decimated ground below him. The Flash has run so fast that time is now going ''backwards''. He reaches a speed in which the destroyed city begins to reform around him, generating lightning that restores light poles, streets, and buildings.]'' :'''The Flash''' ''[Accepting his fate and in awe of his ability, repeating his father's last words to him]'' Make your own future... make your own ''past!'' ''[The unity explosion continues to retract]'' It's all... right... now! :''[The cooling tower and the bridge inside reform, as well as Superman and Steppenwolf, who were obliterated by the blast. As The Flash nears Cyborg, the latter also reforms, along with the boxes, as The Flash finally gives Cyborg the needed charge to break into the Unity. The camera pans into Cyborg's robot eye as he breaks in]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Darkseid has crushed the defeated and decapitated Steppenwolf's head. Before he can attack the Justice League, the Boom Tube closes, making the Dread Lord of Apokolips grunt and grumble in frustration.]'' :'''DeSaad''': ''[smugly but carefully]'' I told you. Steppenwolf would ''fail''. :'''Darkseid''': ''[bitterly]'' Yes. Yes, you did. :'''DeSaad''': My master, now that the Mother Boxes have been ''destroyed'', how will you ''retrieve'' your great prize? :'''Darkseid''': Anti-Life is ''found'', DeSaad, and we will stop at ''nothing'' to possess it. ''[DeSaad looks concerned]'' Ready the armada. We will use the old ways. :''[He then retreats back to his throne while DeSaad and Granny Goodness exchange concerned glances before following their master as the Parademons look on in the glory of their superiors.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bruce is having another Knightmare premonition]'' :'''Batman''': Clear! :''[Cyborg stands up after he grabs a destroyed car]'' :'''Cyborg''': How much further? :'''Batman''': We're almost there. :'''Cyborg''': Well, we need to hurry. We can't be out in the open much longer. He'll come for us. :'''Mera''': Let him come. Let the bastard come. ''[strikes the ground with the butt of her trident]'' I'll stab this through his heart for what he did to Arthur. I want to make him pay. :'''Batman''': I understand how you feel, Mera... :'''Mera''': You have no idea how I feel. :'''Batman''': ...But we have to stick to the plan to have any chance to make this right. :'''Mera''': Who have you ever loved? :''[Joker's soft, maniacal laughter interrupts them.]'' :'''The Joker''': ''Au contraire'', my little fish stick. He knows exactly what it's like to lose someone he loves. You know like uh, a father? Like a mother? :'''Batman''': Be very careful with the next thing you say. :'''The Joker''': Like an adopted son. Isn't that right, Batman? Maybe, in a way, that smelly old flounder is right. Because how many can die in your arms before you grow numb to death? :'''Batman''': That's not very careful. :'''The Joker''': And how many dead eyes can you look into before you die inside yourself? :'''Batman''': I've been dead inside a long time. But even I have a limit. ''[angrily]'' And if you cross that line, I swear to God, I will... :'''The Joker''': Before what, Bruce? Kill me? You won't kill me. I'm your best friend. Besides, who's gonna give you a reach-around? Anyway, you need me. You need me to help you undo this world you created by letting her die. Poor Lois, how she suffered so! I often wonder how many alternate timelines do you destroy the world because frankly, you don't have the ''cojones'' to die yourself. Hmm? So as usual, I'll be the bigger man. ''[holds out a Joker card]'' A truce, Bruce. As long as you have this card, a truce. But all you have to do is to tear it in half and I'm happy to discuss with you in any way you like, why you sent a [[w:Dick Grayson|Boy Wonder]] to do a man's job? :'''Batman''': You know, it's funny that you would talk about people who died in my arms. Because when I held [[w:Harley Quinn (DC Extended Universe)|Harley Quinn]], and she was bleeding and dying, she begged me with her last breath that when I killed you - and make no mistake, I will fucking kill you - that I'd do it slow. I'm gonna honor that promise. :''[after a long, tense pause, Batman takes the card]'' :'''The Joker''': Oh, you're good. You almost had me. ''[pause, laughs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[deleted dialogue, after Batman takes the Joker card]'' :'''Batman''': And maybe this will come in handy? :'''The Joker''': Honor? Really, Bruce? Honor? We live in a society where honor is a distant memory. By the way, who do you think screamed the loudest? The girl? Or the boy? ''[pause, laughs]'' :'''Deathstroke''': Where are we holding up? :'''Batman''': Somewhere he'll never suspect. :''[Joker continues laughing in the background]'' :'''Deathstroke''': Still think it was a good idea bringing him along? :''[Joker blows raspberry]'' :'''Batman''': What do you think? <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Bruce has another Knightmare premonition, he sees the [[w:Martian Manhunter|Martian Manhunter]] who lands on his glass house and he opens the door.]'' :'''Bruce Wayne''': Can I help you? :'''Martian Manhunter''': I'm sure you know Darkseid is not finished with Earth. The Anti-Life Equation is here somewhere. We have to find it before he does. There's a war coming. And I'm here to help. :'''Bruce Wayne''': I'm sorry, who-who are you again? :'''Martian Manhunter''': I've gone by many names and taken many forms. And like you, I've realized I have a stake in this world. And it's time I started fighting for it. :'''Bruce Wayne''': Oh. Well, we could definitely use the help. So, glad you're here. :'''Martian Manhunter''': You know, I never thought I'd see the defenders of Earth united and fighting as one. It wouldn't have happened without you, Bruce. Your mother and father would be proud. :'''Bruce Wayne''': I hope so. :'''Martian Manhunter''': Well, I'll be in touch. Oh, and some have called me the Martian Manhunter. ''[flies off]'' :'''Bruce Wayne''': I guess I'll see you around. == Additional Cast == *[[w:Ben Affleck|Ben Affleck]] - Bruce Wayne / Batman *[[w:Henry Cavill|Henry Cavill]] - Kal-El / Clark Kent / Superman *[[w:Ray Fisher|Ray Fisher]] - Victor Stone / Cyborg *[[w:Jeremy Irons|Jeremy Irons]] - Alfred Pennyworth *[[w:Amber Heard|Amber Heard]] - Mera *[[w:Joe Manganiello|Joe Manganiello]] - Slade Wilson / Deathstroke *[[w:Peter Guinness (actor)|Peter Guinness]] - [[w:DeSaad|DeSaad]] *[[w:Ray Porter|Ray Porter]] - [[w:Darkseid|Darkseid]] *[[Jared Leto]] - [[The Joker]] *[[w:Harry Lennix|Harry Lennix]] - [[w:Martian Manhunter|Calvin Swanwick / Martian Manhunter]] *[[w:Connie Nielsen|Connie Nielsen]] - Hippolyta == External links == {{wikipedia}} *{{IMDb title|12361974|Zack Snyder's Justice League}} [[Category:2021 films]] [[Category:Action films]] [[Category:Adventure films]] [[Category:Comic book films]] [[Category:DC Extended Universe]] [[Category:Justice League films]] [[Category:Batman films]] [[Category:Superman films]] [[Category:Wonder Woman films]] [[Category:Epic films]] [[Category:Fantasy films]] [[Category:Zack Snyder films]] [[Category:Screenplays by Chris Terrio]] [[Category:Superhero crossover films]] [[Category:Apocalyptic films]] [[Category:Streaming films]] 71l8rssmllldq51vwgfv8kq4afd5vt3 0 237780 3158058 3025800 2022-08-26T04:35:39Z 2001:448A:1021:5DEF:48A3:3E0:22BF:F431 /* Kaizoku Sentai Gokaiger */ wikitext text/x-wiki Last words in Super Sentai media. === ''[[w:Gosei Sentai Dairanger|Gosei Sentai Dairanger]]'' === *Give up yet?! **Who: Baron String **Source: Episode 2, "It's Ch'i Power!!!" **Note: Character was destroyed by RyūseiOh. *Adios! **Who: Purse Monk **Source: Episode 2, "It's Ch'i Power!!!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Dairangers. *What was that? You bastard, you're a coward! **Who: Key Jester **Source: Episode 4, "We're Naive!!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Dairangers. *This is the unfortunate fate of a beauty! **Who: Lipstick Songstress **Source: Episode 6, "Wind Cut Through!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Heavenly Chi Palace. *This is for the best. Ryō... my... beloved son. **Who: Iron Face Chōryō/RyūRanger I **Source: Episode 8, "Father!!" **Note: Character was killed by Riju. *I am defeated?! It can't be! **Who: Archbishop Riju/Archbishop Saw **Source: Episode 8, "Father!!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Dairen'oh. *Mirror Yō Power Blast! **Who: Master Makeup Mirror **Source: Episode 9, "Don't be Vain" **Note: Character was destroyed by Dairen'oh. *Cherry Blossom Full Bloom! Flower Storm! **Who: Cherry Blossom Viscount **Source: Episode 10, "Ah, The Vengeful Goddess" **Note: Character was destroyed by Dairen'oh. *I'm exhausted! **Who: Magnet Priest **Source: Episode 11, "Gauss with a Magnet!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Dairen'oh. *My two-day hangover is cured! **Who: Tofu Hermit **Source: Episode 12, "Drunk on Tofu" **Note: Character was destroyed by Dairen'oh. *It ended in failure... *This is the end, isn't it? **Who: Kabuki Monster/Kabuki Boy **Source: Episode 14, "Well, a Wedding" **Note: Character's robot body was destroyed by Rin, while character's original self was destroyed by Dairen'oh. *So you saw through my deception, ShishiRanger?! I'll crush you! **Who: Funeral Figurine Ventriloquist **Source: Episode 16, "Rumbling Child Stones" **Note: Character was destroyed by Dairen'oh. *Master Akomaru... KibaRanger's identity... is that boy... he's that boy... **Who: Lady Earring **Source: Episode 18, "The Secret Byakko-chan" **Note: Character was killed by Kō. *Big sister! **Who: Lady Necklace **Source: Episode 20, "First Opening Of The Gorma Palace" **Note: Character was destroyed by Dairen'oh. *My litte sisters, I'm going to that world! **Who: Lady Ring **Source: Episode 22, "The Great Secret Art of the Tiger Cub!!" **Note: Character was destroyed by KibaDaiOh. *Kō... you will never see your mother again. Spend the rest of your life searching for your mother... and suffer for it! *My mother... I've always wanted to meet you... **Who: Akomaru **Source: Episode 22, "The Great Secret Art of the Tiger Cub!!" and Episode 44, "Impression!! You Cry Too" **Note: Character dies after being hit by a boulder, but was revived by Gorma XV. During second last word, character was crushed to death by a rock. *Heat Haze Blade! Fire Pillar Reversal! **Who: Hooded Heat Haze **Source: Episode 23, "True Love at Full Speed" **Note: Character was destroyed by Dairen'oh. *Where'd he go?! **Who: Fake Kazu of the Heavenly Time Star/Copy KirinRanger I **Source: Episode 25, The Grouped Opposite Squadron" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kaku. *Damn it! Everything I've worked for... how vexing! **Who: Copy Empress **Source: Episode 25, The Grouped Opposite Squadron" **Note: Character was destroyed by Dairen'oh. *Ah, I was beaten! Bukubaku bukubaku. Bus gas explodes! **Who: Fast-Talking Wanderer **Source: Episode 30, "The Deadly, Fast-Talking Workaholic" **Note: Character was destroyed by Dairangers. *What are you?! **Who: Gorma Four Heavenly Kings/Combined Four Heavenly Kings **Source: Episode 31, "Again, a New Hero Came Forth" **Note: Character was destroyed by Heavy Armor Chi Palace. *Rin... next time... I will be born a human... so that I can see... your smile... once more. **Who: Shōichirō Takamura/Media Magician **Source: Episode 33, "An Idol's First Experience" **Note: Character was killed by Gara, with his giant form was a puppet which was destroyed by Dairen'oh. *The girls... have been turned into dolls. Save them, big brother. *Farewell, big brother. **Who: Michiru **Source: Episode 34, "A Prickly Maiden Hunt" **Note: Character was killed by General Cactus. First last word was said in person while second last word was said as a vision. *Cactus Bombs! **Who: General Cactus **Source: Episode 34, "A Prickly Maiden Hunt" **Note: Character was destroyed by KibaDaiOh. *Do you think the likes of you can defeat me? **Who: Master Shudo **Source: Episode 35, "New Secret Art, the Dance of Spiders" **Note: Character was killed by Jin. *Dairanger! Let's just see if I'm a wimp or not! Enlarging Bomb! **Who: Sergeant Cannon **Source: Episode 35, "New Secret Art, the Dance of Spiders" **Note: Character was destroyed by KibaDaiOh. *Ignorant fools! **Who: Count Kaleidoscope **Source: Episode 36, "A 6000-Year Grudge..." **Note: Character was destroyed by Dairen'oh. *Don't! Help! **Who: Great Famous Pachinko Player **Source: Episode 38, "Huh!! A Ceasefire!?" **Note: Character was destroyed by Daijinryū. *Stay back! I want to stay as myself. If I stayed by your side... I would lose who I am. Looks like I was just a real burden on you. Ryō. Thank you. *Ryō! **Who: Demon-Fist Master Jin Matoba/Garōki **Source: Episode 39, "The Demon Fist Falls in the Setting Sun" **Note: Character was killed by Cotpotros. First last word was said in person while second last word was said as a vision. *Daigo... I'm glad I was revived. I'm glad... I met you. *Daigo, hang in there! *Hurry. Shadam's the only one left. You must hurry and stop Shadam's plot or Earth will risk being destroyed by a gigantic power again. Daigo, farewell! **Who: Kujaku **Source: Episode 41, "Kujaku's Great Ascension" **Note: Character dies after drinking the Peacock's Tears. First last word was said in person while second and third last word was said as a vision. *My beloved son... Akomaru... **Who: Kō's Mother **Source: Episode 44, "Impression!! You Cry Too" **Note: Character was crushed to death by a rock. *What is this?! My face! My body! Help me! What about my promotion?! **Who: Lieutenant Commander Zydos/Iron Face Zydos/Giant Zydos **Source: Episode 48, "Death of The Heroic Master!!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Heavy Armor Chi Palace. *Are those your hands? *The fighting will continue on eternally. Leave! Leave! **Who: Master Kaku/Chief of Staff Kaku **Source: Episode 48, "Death of The Heroic Master!!" **Note: Character was killed by Shadam. First last word was said in person while second last word was said as a vision. *Help me, Dairangers! I was a puppet! Shadam... **Who: Gorma XV **Source: Episode 49,"It's the Final Decisive Battle" **Note: Character was killed by Shadam. *Dumb mud puppet. My imposter. Return to the dirt from whence you came! **Who: Real Gara **Source: Episode 49,"It's the Final Decisive Battle" **Note: Character died in the battle long ago and her soul ascended to heaven, so this last word was said in vision. *You're lying! You're lying! Even if I'm a mud puppet, I will eternaly hate you! I am... Gara of the Gorma. **Who: Commander Gara/Iron Face Gara/Wraith Gara **Source: Episode 49,"It's the Final Decisive Battle" **Note: Character was self-destruct. *I'm... a mud puppet? It can't be. Help... help me, Ryō! **Who: Commander Shadam/Iron Face Shadam/Armored Shadam/Gorma XVI **Source: Episode 50, "Let's Go!" **Note: Character was killed by Ryō. *Come get me! Come get me! **Who: New Gorma Monster **Source: Episode 50, "Let's Go!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Dairen'oh. === ''[[w:Ninja Sentai Kakuranger|Ninja Sentai Kakuranger]]'' === *Honey! **Who: Kappa **Source: Episode 2, "A Dangerous Lady" **Note: Character was destroyed by Sasuke. *Darling! At least we were able to live like this! Darling! **Who: Rokurokubi **Source: Episode 2, "A Dangerous Lady" **Note: Character was destroyed by Sasuke. *You beat me! Even to the end, I was bullied by the humans! It pisses me off! **Who: Oboroguruma **Source: Episode 3, "American Ninja" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kakurangers. *I can't believe I lost to those idiots. Shoki! *Take this! **Who: Azukiarai **Source: Episode 4, "The Yōkai Policeman" **Note: Character was destroyed by Muteki Shōgun two times. *Goodbye, Mokumokuren. *Wall! Do it! **Who: Nurikabe **Source: Episode 6, "The Eyeball Prince!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kakurangers in the first last word. During second last word, character was destroyed by Muteki Shōgun. *Dear Tsuruhime, I really wanted to marry you. *Up here, Tsuruhime! **Who: Mokumokuren **Source: Episode 6, "The Eyeball Prince!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Muteki Shōgun two times. *I want more food... **Who: Gakitsuki **Source: Episode 7, "The Huge One" **Note: Character was destroyed by Muteki Shōgun. *Who's the ugliest in the world? That's me, Shirōneri! **Who: Shirōneri **Source: Episode 11, "Rags are the Best!!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Muteki Shōgun. *I wanted to become the number one Yōkai... **Who: Tengu **Source: Episode 12, "They Came Forth!! New Beast Generals" **Note: Character was destroyed by Muteki Shōgun. *Dr. Yugami, you told me we were gonna win! **Who: Kanedama **Source: Episode 13, "Fight Off The Bad Luck" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kakurangers. *I wanted to spread more diseases... **Who: Keukegen **Source: Episode 14, "I'm the Young Noble!!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kakurangers. *Little Brother, hang in there! **Who: Elder Shuten Dōji **Source: Episode 16, "The Red Monkey's Oni Extermination" **Note: Character was destroyed by Muteki Shōgun. *Big Brother! **Who: Younger Shuten Dōji **Source: Episode 16, "The Red Monkey's Oni Extermination" **Note: Character was destroyed by Muteki Shōgun. *I lost again! It's so frustrating! **Who: Amikiri **Source: Episode 17, "The Demon Sword and Underwear!!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Muteki Shōgun. *Thank you. I had fun. **Who: Zashiki-warashi **Source: Episode 18, "Hello, Mushroom-kun" **Note: Character was killed by Junior. *I wanted to make human sausages! **Who: Tsuchigumo **Source: Episode 19, "The Hellish Trap in Darkness!!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Muteki Shōgun. *Sarugami is now retiring. **Who: Sarugami **Source: Episode 21, "Monkey See, Monkey Does Finishing Move" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kakurangers. *Young Noble Junior! **Who: Umibozu **Source: Episode 23, "Blitzkrieg!! The Strange White Bird" **Note: Character was destroyed by Super Muteki Shōgun. *What's that thing? **Who: Kasabake **Source: Episode 26, "The Tsuruhime Family's Super Secret" **Note: Character was destroyed by Super Muteki Shōgun. *Oh, Yōkai Daimaō! **Who: Nue **Source: Episode 29, "History's First Super Battle" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kakurangers. *I don't... I don't want to die yet! **Who: Prof. Yugami **Source: Episode 31, "Behold!! A New Shogun" **Note: Character was crushed by a piece of Demon Sealing Door. *My lord, is this how you wished it? **Who: Sandayū Momochi **Source: Episode 31, "Behold!! A New Shogun" **Note: Character was killed by Junior. *Impossible... I've been defeated? Father! **Who: Young Noble Junior/Gashadokuro **Source: Episode 31, "Behold!! A New Shogun" **Note: Character was destroyed by Super Kakure Daishōgun. *My collection! **Who: Nuppefuhofu **Source: Episode 32, "Don't Lick Me, Face Thief" **Note: Character was destroyed by Super Kakure Daishōgun. *Operation Amanojaku, failed. **Who: Amanojaku **Source: Episode 33, "The Village Of Amanojaku" **Note: Character was destroyed by Sasuke. *You aren't that tough. Is that all you've got? You pathetic novice! **Who: Bakuki **Source: Episode 36, "The Hooligan Ninja!!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Samuraiman and Super Kakure Daishōgun. *I can't take it any moo...! **Who: Ushioni **Source: Episode 38, "Mooo... a Repulsive Cow" **Note: Character was destroyed by Samuraiman and Super Kakure Daishōgun. *Hey, my tummy! My tummy hurts! Give back my tummy! My tummy got cold! **Who: Nopperabō **Source: Episode 39, "It's a Special Compilation!!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Samuraiman and Super Kakure Daishōgun. *I wanted to live more and deceive more humans. **Who: Kyūbi Kitsune **Source: Episode 40, "The Heisei Fox Battle" **Note: Character was destroyed by Samuraiman and Super Kakure Daishōgun. *I wish I could have seen the victory lantern parade! **Who: Lantern Novice **Source: Episode 41, "The Stray Ghost" **Note: Character was destroyed by Samuraiman and Super Kakure Daishōgun. *Merry Christmas! **Who: Ōmukade **Source: Episode 45, "The Hasty Santa" **Note: Character was destroyed by Samuraiman and Super Kakure Daishōgun. *I wanted to write more manga, pom-pom... **Who: Mujina **Source: Episode 46, "The New Year's Manga Hell" **Note: Character was destroyed by Samuraiman and Super Kakure Daishōgun. *Fireworks in winter are the best! **Who: Kasha **Source: Episode 47, "The 100-Burst Human Fireworks" **Note: Character was destroyed by Samuraiman and Super Kakure Daishōgun. *I really, really wanted to be wealthy! **Who: Bimbōgami **Source: Episode 49, "Suddenly!! Poor" **Note: Character was destroyed by Samuraiman, Muteki Shōgun, and Super Kakure Daishōgun. *Sis... Brother...! **Who: Daidarabotchi **Source: Episode 50, "Special Selection!! The Youkai Inn" **Note: Character was destroyed by Samuraiman, Muteki Shōgun, and Super Kakure Daishōgun. *How is it possible for me to be defeated?! Brother! **Who: Yama-uba **Source: Episode 52, "Finale!! Father and Daughter" **Note: Character was destroyed by Samuraiman, Super Muteki Shōgun, and Kakure Daishōgun. *Goodbye, Tsuruhime. **Who: Tarō **Source: Episode 52, "Finale!! Father and Daughter" **Note: Character sacrificed himself to free Hakamenrō. *Take care of your father. **Who: Jirō **Source: Episode 52, "Finale!! Father and Daughter" **Note: Character sacrificed himself to free Hakamenrō. *Damn you, Kakurangers! I refuse to go back! I'll remember this! As long as humanity exists, we'll definitely come back! We will! **Who: Daimaō **Source: Episode 53, "Sealing!!" **Note: Character was sealed away by Kakurangers. === ''[[w:Gekisou Sentai Carranger|Gekisō Sentai Carranger]]'' === *I'm home! **Who: BB Donpa **Source: Episode 2, "Dancing Noise Pollution" **Note: Character was vaporized by an UFO. *Mogu? **Who: MM Mogu **Source: Episode 5, "Up Ahead, Gekisō Fusion" **Note: Character was destroyed by RV Robo. *Kyuutan! **Who: QQ Kyuutan **Source: Episode 6, "We are... One-Way Traffic" **Note: Character was destroyed by RV Robo. *Oh, no! Nerenko! **Who: NN Nerenko **Source: Episode 7, "Blue Has no Entry?!" **Note: Character was destroyed by RV Robo. *Oh crap! **Who: YY Bingo **Source: Episode 8, "Transformation Brace Lost" **Note: Character was destroyed by Minoru. *Ouch! **Who: YY Gonza **Source: Episode 8, "Transformation Brace Lost" **Note: Character was destroyed by RV Robo. *Later. **Who: Speed King Max/KK Esu **Source: Episode 9, "A U-Turn to the Stars" **Note: Character was killed by Zelmoda. *I'm gonna crush you all! **Who: LL Onene **Source: Episode 10, "A Great Reversal!! Bicycle Training" **Note: Character was destroyed by RV Robo. *I really didn't know about your weight scale! **Who: PP Rappa **Source: Episode 11, "The Overweight of Fury" **Note: Character was destroyed by RV Robo. *Wurin! *Wooling! **Who: UU Wurin/Revived UU Wurin **Source: Episode 12, "The Signalman Who Came From Space" and Episode 13, "Dispatch!! The Proud Emergency Vehicle" **Note: Character was killed by RV Robo, but revives himself. During second last word, character was destroyed by Sirender. *I'm not done yet! **Who: Elekinta **Source: Episode 14, "Full Acceleration to Hellish Lightning" **Note: Character was destroyed by RV Robo. *Yes! Zeri! **Who: ZZ Zeri **Source: Episode 17, "Wearing Authority, Head-On Collision!" **Note: Character was destroyed by RV Robo and Sirender. *Opa! Opa...! **Who: OO Oopa **Source: Episode 18, "A Lying Heart Under Adjustment" **Note: Character was destroyed by RV Robo. *That's not fair!! **Who: HH Deo **Source: Episode 19, "The Hit-And-Run Girl of Love!" **Note: Character was destroyed by RV Robo. *Waritcho! **Who: WW Waritcho **Source: Episode 20, "Test Drive the Ultimate Famous Cars!!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kyōsuke. *Whoops! **Who: AA Abanba **Source: Episode 21, "The Carnavi That Surpassed Carnavi" **Note: Character was destroyed by RV Robo. *Curse you all! **Who: CC Chakko **Source: Episode 22, "The Tragic Traffic Rule Habit" **Note: Character was destroyed by Sirender. *Stop! Terurin! **Who: TT Terurin **Source: Episode 24, "Urgent Launch?! New Leader" **Note: Character was destroyed by RV Robo. *I've thoroughly researched the art of giant fighting pamaan! Witness my ultimate killing sword pamaan! Great Galaxy Blitzkrieg Science Darkness Sword: Lightning Blitzkrieg Plasma Cyber Aurora Centrifugal Gravity Super Thunder... **Who: SS Pamaan **Source: Episode 25, "The Mysterious Intruding Girl!" **Note: Character was destroyed by RV Robo. *Mileno! **Who: XX Mileno **Source: Episode 27, "The Crossroads of Transferring Away From Home..." **Note: Character was destroyed by RV Robo and Sirender. *Carranger... they really... they really are strong. **Who: Instructor Ritchhiker/RitchRitchhiker **Source: Episode 31, "It's a Full Model Change! VRV Robo" **Note: Character was destroyed by VRV Robo. *No! **Who: ZZ Gyuri **Source: Episode 32, "RV Robo's Wrong-Way Run" **Note: Character was destroyed by VRV Robo. *Huh? **Who: UU Ussu **Source: Episode 33, "Awaken! Gekisō Dappu" **Note: Character was destroyed by VRV Robo. *That's it! Wait. If I beat you, I won't be able to take the picture! Oh no! **Who: FF Munchori **Source: Episode 34, "Meddling in Love, the Intruding Girl" **Note: Character was destroyed by VRV Robo. *How dare you! **Who: GG Boon **Source: Episode 35, "The Traitorous Signalman" **Note: Character was destroyed by VRV Robo. *Take them! **Who: BB Koiya **Source: Episode 36, "The Suspicious Exhaust Purging Operation" **Note: Character was destroyed by VRV Robo. *Oh please, don't... please! **Who: PP Chiipuri **Source: Episode 38, "Back Alright?! Imo-Youkan Life" **Note: Character was destroyed by VRV Robo. *Bye cha-bye! **Who: CC Patchoone **Source: Episode 39, "Love Roads!! The Space Pet" **Note: Character was destroyed by VRV Robo. *You can't do that, Batton! **Who: OO Batton **Source: Episode 40, "Naniwhatever Anyway, A Scramble Intersection Robo!?" **Note: Character was destroyed by Invincible Naniwa Robot Special. *Time to go giant! **Who: MM Shuurisukii **Source: Episode 44, "The Persistently, Wacky Gekisou Chase!" **Note: Character was destroyed by VRV Robo. *I'm bisorry! **Who: EE Musubinofu **Source: Episode 45, "The Starting Point of True Love" **Note: Character was destroyed by VRV Robo. *My greatest evil space highway plan!! **Who: Reckless Driving Emperor Exhaus/Exhaus Super-Strong **Source: Episode 48, "Forever Traffic Safety!!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Carrangers. === ''[[w:Denji Sentai Megaranger|Denji Sentai Megaranger]]'' === *I'm disadvantaged fighting on land. **Who: Ei Nezire **Source: Episode 2, "Look! Our Galaxy Mega" **Note: Character was destroyed by Galaxy Mega. *I'll twist and crush them! **Who: Sai Nezire **Source: Episode 3, "For Real! A Huge Nezire Beast" **Note: Character was destroyed by Galaxy Mega. *Ignorant fools... **Who: Chameleon Nezire **Source: Episode 4, "Smash it! Shibolena's Trap" **Note: Character was destroyed by Galaxy Mega. *This way! **Who: Ebi Nezire **Source: Episode 5, "Finish It! This Is an Underhanded Battle" **Note: Character was destroyed by Galaxy Mega. *Fall! **Who: Zō Nezire **Source: Episode 6, "We Did It! The Roaring Digitank" **Note: Character was destroyed by Galaxy Mega. *Take this! **Who: Hachi Nezire **Source: Episode 7, "What's This? The Clingy, Bothersome Girl" **Note: Character was destroyed by Galaxy Mega. *Ignorant fools! **Who: Kōmori Nezire **Source: Episode 9, "Exposed! The Demon-Filled CD" **Note: Character was destroyed by Galaxy Mega. *You fool! All soldiers, gather to me! **Who: Boss Kunekune/King Kunekune **Source: Episode 14, "Heartthrob! Our Teacher Is Like the Wind" **Note: Character was destroyed by Galaxy Mega. *Fools! Bibidebi! **Who: Fukurō Nezire **Source: Episode 15, "See Through It! The Mecha of Genius High" **Note: Character was destroyed by Galaxy Mega. *What are you doing?! **Who: Dokuga Nezire **Source: Episode 16, "Very Bad! Will We Die?" **Note: Character was destroyed by Galaxy Mega. *Gero! **Who: Gama Nezire **Source: Episode 17, "Too Cool?! The Awesome Super Miku" **Note: Character was destroyed by Galaxy Mega. *Turn to ash with me! **Who: Kinoko Nezire **Source: Episode 18, "Protect it! The Mysterious Boy's Forest" **Note: Character was destroyed by Galaxy Mega. *Impudent fellow! **Who: Sasori Nezire **Source: Episode 19, "Drive It In! The Invincible Deadly Punch" **Note: Character was destroyed by Galaxy Mega. *No! It can't be! **Who: Mukade Nezire **Source: Episode 21, "Now's The Time! The Life-Threatening Super-Fusion" **Note: Character was destroyed by Super Galaxy Mega. *Now you can't fight! **Who: Arijigoku Nezire **Source: Episode 22, "Escape! Labyrinth of Evil" **Note: Character was destroyed by Super Galaxy Mega. *Kenta... thank you. **Who: Komutan **Source: Episode 23, "Why! My Egg is a Nezire Beast" **Note: Character was killed by Ankō Nezire. *You're no longer my brother! **Who: Ankō Nezire **Source: Episode 23, "Why! My Egg is a Nezire Beast" **Note: Character was destroyed by Super Galaxy Mega. *Idiots! **Who: Utsubo Nezire **Source: Episode 25, "Just in Time! Time Limit: 2.5 Minutes" **Note: Character was destroyed by Yūsaku. *Unforgivable! **Who: Semi Nezire **Source: Episode 26, "Really?! The End of Nezirejia" **Note: Character was destroyed by Super Galaxy Mega. *Megaranger fools! I'll turn you guys into coral too! **Who: Sango Nezire **Source: Episode 27, "Kick Them About! The Demonic Coral of Death" **Note: Character was destroyed by Super Galaxy Mega. *Impudent fools! **Who: Female Shiroari Nezire **Source: Episode 28, "Give Up! The Explosive Granny Whirlwind" **Note: Character was destroyed by Megarangers. *You fools! **Who: Male Shiroari Nezire **Source: Episode 28, "Give Up! The Explosive Granny Whirlwind" **Note: Character was destroyed by Super Galaxy Mega. *Onigiri! Give me the onigiri! **Who: Buta Nezire **Source: Episode 29, "I Want to Lose Weight! Miku's Dubious Diet" **Note: Character was destroyed by Super Galaxy Mega. *Fools! **Who: Guirail/Giga Guirail/Mad Guirail **Source: Episode 32, "Is It the End?! Desperate Situation, Galaxy Mega" **Note: Character was destroyed by Mega Voyager. *You don't know when to give up. I will put the trigger for you. **Who: Lion Nezilar **Source: Episode 33, "Giddy! The Girlfriend From the Moon" **Note: Character was destroyed by Mega Voyager. *Damn you! **Who: Kamakiri Nezilar **Source: Episode 35, "Overcome! Mega Silver's Greatest Crisis" **Note: Character was destroyed by Mega Voyager. *You ignorant fool! So you tricked me?! **Who: Condor Nezilar **Source: Episode 36, "Fly! The Universe's Dancing Wings of Hope" **Note: Character was destroyed by Wing Mega Voyager. *Where'd they go?! **Who: Tokage Nezilar **Source: Episode 39, "Exposed! Mega Red's True Identity" **Note: Character was destroyed by Wing Mega Voyager. *Idiots! *It's ready. **Who: Nezi Pink/Nezi Jealous **Source: Episode 40, "Scary! Bad Women" **Note: Character was destroyed by Wing Mega Voyager. During second last word, character was absorbed by the data cards. *MegaBlue! I will surely defeat you! **Who: Nezi Blue/Nezi Bizzare **Source: Episode 41, "Snapped! The Blue Terror, Nezi Blue" **Note: Character was destroyed by Wing Mega Voyager. *Stop it! **Who: Evil Electro-King Javious I **Source: Episode 43, "We Won't Be Defeated! The Decisive Christmas Eve Clash" **Note: Character was destroyed after all of the Nejirangers were destroyed. *Stop this pointless struggle, Megarangers! **Who: Nezi Black/Nezi Vulgar **Source: Episode 43, "We Won't Be Defeated! The Decisive Christmas Eve Clash" **Note: Character was destroyed by Mega Voyager. *Do you really think you can beat us?! *It can physically restore the Megarangers! **Who: Nezi Yellow/Nezi Sophia **Source: Episode 43, "We Won't Be Defeated! The Decisive Christmas Eve Clash" **Note: Character was destroyed by Mega Voyager. During second last word, character was absorbed by the data cards. *We were born to defeat you! *It's no use running, Megarangers! **Who: Nezi Red/Nezi Phantom **Source: Episode 43, "We Won't Be Defeated! The Decisive Christmas Eve Clash" **Note: Character was destroyed by Mega Voyager. During second last word, character was absorbed by the data cards. *Fools... **Who: Togebari Nezilar **Source: Episode 45, "Tenacious! Hinelar's Counterattack" **Note: Character was destroyed by Mega Voyager. *Hinelar city will be your grave! You should feel honored! **Who: Tensō Nezilar **Source: Episode 47, "Jump In! Terrifying Hinelar City" **Note: Character was destroyed by Mega Voyager. *MegaSilver. You pest. I'll finish you off first! **Who: Jigoku Nezilar **Source: Episode 49, "Utter Despair! We Are Outcasts!?" **Note: Character was destroyed by Mega Voyager. *Shibolena... you bastards...! Die, Megarangers! **Who: Yugande/Yugande Relive/Yugande Strong/Burning Yugande **Source: Episode 50, "Sublime! The Red-Hot Super Soldier Yugande" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kenta. *Goodbye... father... **Who: Shibolena **Source: Episode 50, "Sublime! The Red-Hot Super Soldier Yugande" **Note: Character was killed by Kenta. *Watch me, Yugande, Shibolena! This is the end of the Megarangers! **Who: Dr. Samejima/Dr. Hinelar **Source: Episode 51, "Seize it! Our Diplomas" **Note: Character was killed by the destruction of Grand Nejiros and Mega Voyager. === ''[[w:Kyuukyuu Sentai GoGoFive|Kyūkyū Sentai GoGoFive]]'' === *Fools! **Who: Tornado Psyma Beast Tornedeus **Source: Mission 2, "The Psyma Family Tornado!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Victory Robo. *You fools! I'll crush you guys once and for all! **Who: Bomb Psyma Beast Gasguile **Source: Mission 3, "Explosive Bonds" **Note: Character was destroyed by Victory Robo. *How underwhelming... now this place shall serve as your grave! Burst! **Who: Dark Demon Sword Psyma Beast Solgoil **Source: Mission 4, "Flower Petals in Abnormal Weather" **Note: Character was destroyed by Victory Robo. *I'll personally send you to hell! **Who: Dark Demon Sword Psyma Beast Solgoil **Source: Mission 5, "Time to Become a Hero" **Note: Character was destroyed by Victory Robo. *Fools... **Who: Excavation Psyma Beast Moleghoul **Source: Mission 7, "The Beautiful Psyma's Trap" **Note: Character was destroyed by Victory Robo. *You scum. This time, I'll blow you away! **Who: Lightning Rod Psyma Beast Raima **Source: Mission 8, "Rescue Sentai Activity Suspended" **Note: Character was destroyed by Victory Robo. *Ignorant fools! **Who: Power Absorption Psyma Beast Vampaira **Source: Mission 9, "Stolen Powers" **Note: Character was destroyed by Victory Robo. *You fools... **Who: Smog Psyma Beast Chanbaano **Source: Mission 10, "Proud Yellow" **Note: Character was destroyed by Victory Robo. *Master Drop, leave this to me. With my flames, I shall further simulate this volcano and cause a massive eruption! **Who: Flame Psyma Beast Hellgerus/Golem Hellgerus **Source: Mission 11, "The Two Red-Hot Psyma Beasts" and Mission 12, "The Do-or-Die New Coupling Fusion" **Note: Character was destroyed by Victory Robo, and later GrandLiner. *I'll eat you guys too! **Who: Gluttonous Psyma Beast Juuki/Golem Juuki **Source: Mission 13, "The Younger Siblings' Rebellion" **Note: Character was destroyed by GrandLiner. *Ignorant fools! **Who: Computer Psyma Beast Cyber Gildo **Source: Mission 14, "The Dreadful Virus" **Note: Character was destroyed by Victory Robo. *Lord Drop! **Who: Supersonic Psyma Beast Blowgene/Golem Blowgene **Source: Mission 15, "Infant Demon Drop's Sortie" **Note: Character was destroyed by GrandLiner. *Caught it! **Who: Reward Psyma Beast Garaga/Golem Garaga **Source: Mission 16, "The Thief and the Psyma Egg" **Note: Character was destroyed by GrandLiner. *Sleepy... **Who: Earth Vibration Psyma Beast Ganemuuja **Source: Mission 17, "Matoi's Bridal Candidate" **Note: Character was destroyed by Victory Robo. *Lord Zylpheeza... **Who: Tactical Psyma Beast Spiderus **Source: Mission 18, "The Counterattacking V-Lancers" **Note: Character was destroyed by Victory Robo. *Go ahead and try! What's wrong? **Who: Zword **Source: Mission 20, "Undying Rescue Spirits" **Note: Character was destroyed by Victory Robo. *I see. If I die then... but isn't this... against the rules? **Who: Jiin **Source: Mission 21, "The New 6th Soldier!" **Note: Character was destroyed by LinerBoy. *This is the end of the GoGoFive! **Who: Ghoul **Source: Mission 21, "The New 6th Soldier!" **Note: Character was destroyed by GrandLiner. *What? **Who: Combined Beast Chimera **Source: Episode 22, "The Dark King's Last Decisive Battle" **Note: Character was destroyed by GoGoFive. *Dearest mother... I wanted to see your beautiful visage... at least once... *Go Red... I'm glad you have good bonds with your family... *Little brother... little brother! **Who: Dark King Zylpheeza/Destruction God Zylpheeza II **Source: Mission 22, "The Dark King's Last Decisive Battle" **Note: Character was destroyed by Max Victory Robo in the first last word. During second last word, character was killed by Grandiene. During third last word, character was destroyed by Max Victory Robo Sigma Project. *Die! **Who: Tomb Profanation Psyma Beast Zombeast **Source: Mission 23, "The Ghost Rescue Mission" **Note: Character was destroyed by Max Victory Robo. *How dare you do that to Lady Venus! **Who: Child Transformation Psyma Beast Zairen/Golem Zairen **Source: Mission 24, "Little Kid Rescue Soldiers" **Note: Character was destroyed by GrandLiner. *And now, it is time of the Grand Witch Grandiene's descent! **Who: Ceremonal Psyma Beast Halleluyan **Source: Mission 25, "The Great Witch's Hour of Descent" **Note: Character was destroyed by Max Victory Robo. *Leave this to me! **Who: Search Psyma Beast Death Stag **Source: Mission 26, "The Fiery Dragon Prince's Birth" **Note: Character was destroyed by Max Victory Robo. *Go Yellow! I'll make you regret this! **Who: Archery Psyma Beast Dogul **Source: Mission 27, "Yellow Leaves the Front" **Note: Character was destroyed by Max Victory Robo. *You won't get away with this! **Who: Manipulation Psyma Beast Papetongs **Source: Mission 29, "The Foreboding Starry Sky" **Note: Character was destroyed by Max Victory Robo. *Thank you... GoGoFive... **Who: Reaper Warrior Psyma Beast Thanatos **Source: Mission 33, "An Innocent Psyma Warrior" **Note: Character was destroyed by Max Victory Robo. *I'll just prick you with my thorns again! **Who: Pollen Psyma Beast Byra **Source: Mission 34, "Death, Else Destruction" **Note: Character was destroyed by Victory Mars. *Well done... **Who: Fighting Psyma Beast Spartan **Source: Mission 36, "Secret Art! The Tornado Drop" **Note: Character was destroyed by Victory Mars. *My life... shall go on into the next Psyma Beast! **Who: Bushido Psyma Beast Hagakuren **Source: Mission 38, "The Infinity Chain, Grandchildren, and Persimmons" **Note: Character was destroyed by Max Victory Robo and GrandLiner. *All hail... Lord Salamandes! **Who: Dragon Warrior Psyma Beast Lizardes **Source: Mission 39, "Break the Infinity Chain!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Victory Mars. *Ignorant fools! **Who: Rake Psyma Beast Gabara **Source: Mission 41, "The Man Matoi Could Not Beat" **Note: Character was destroyed by Victory Mars. *Lord Salamandes! **Who: Spiritworld Guard Psyma Chaos **Source: Mission 43, "The Terrible Psyma Tree" **Note: Character was destroyed by GrandLiner. *I... won't accept this... I won't... accept a power beyond malice! *Idiot! **Who: Infant Demon Drop/Dragon Prince Salamandes/Ghost King Salamandes/Destruction God Salamandes Dragon **Source: Mission 43, "The Terrible Psyma Tree" **Note: Character was destroyed by Victory Mars in the first last word. During second last word, character was destroyed by Max Victory Robo Sigma Project. *I'm happy... to be big brother's younger sister... **Who: Evil Spirit Princess Venus **Source: Mission 47, "The Dark King! The Cost of Revival" **Note: Character was killed by GoGoFive. *Big brother... **Who: Beast Baron Cobolda **Source: Mission 48, "The Showdown is at the Psyma Paradico" **Note: Character was killed by Zylpheeza. *How could I end up losing!? **Who: Grand Witch Grandiene **Source: Mission 50, "Burning Rescue Spirits" **Note: Character was destroyed by Max Victory Robo Sigma Project. === ''[[w:Mirai Sentai Timeranger|Mirai Sentai Timeranger]]'' === *What? Eat all of this! **Who: Mad Bomber Jekkar **Source: Case File 2, "The Unseen Future" **Note: Character was frozen by TimeRobo Alpha. *I'm taking your little robot! **Who: Cash Extortionist Keys **Source: Case File 3, "The Acceleration of Dreams" **Note: Character was frozen by TimeRobo Alpha. *You bastards! **Who: Kidnapper & Murderer Nabal **Source: Case File 4, "The Hostage is an Alien" **Note: Character was frozen by TimeRobo Alpha. *It's no use showing off! **Who: Hitman Mad Blast **Source: Case File 5, "The Third Formation" **Note: Character was frozen by TimeRobo Alpha. *It's cold! **Who: Jewel Thief Rouge **Source: Case File 6, "The Fabricated Invitee" **Note: Character was frozen by TimeRobo Alpha. *I wouldn't be calling myself a doctor if I was afraid of side effects! **Who: Corrupt Murder Doctor Doku **Source: Case File 7, "Domon Hospitalized" **Note: Character was frozen by TimeRobo Alpha. *Lila! **Who: Hijacker Nabokov **Source: Case File 8, "An Explosion in the Arts" **Note: Character was frozen by TimeRobo Alpha. *Brother, forgive me! **Who: Corrupt Officer Arnold K **Source: Case File 9, "The Don's Melancholy" **Note: Character was frozen by TimeRobo Alpha. *The five of you are worth 25 million. There's no way I'd let you escape! **Who: Mercanary Org **Source: Case File 10, "The Escape to Tomorrow" **Note: Character was frozen by TimeRobo Alpha. *I'll show you hell, Timerangers! Die! **Who: Sadist Gougan **Source: Case File 11, "Death Match City" **Note: Character was frozen by TimeRobo Alpha. *Like I'd let you freeze-compress me! **Who: Blackmailer Gaymark **Source: Case File 12, "Wish Upon a Star" **Note: Character was frozen by TimeRobo Alpha. *At least... one final bet... **Who: Gambler Velito **Source: Case File 13, "Battle Casino" **Note: Character was frozen by Timerangers. *Ayase... it was actually me who was jealous of your talent! I was jealous of it... freeze-compress me... again... **Who: Mad Racer Baron **Source: Case File 14, "Dead Heat" **Note: Character was frozen by TimeRobo Alpha. *Don't underestimate me! **Who: Extortionist Gang Boss Flan **Source: Case File 17, "The Twisted Holy Fist" **Note: Character was frozen by TimeRobo Alpha. *Fools! **Who: Terrorist Sandoora **Source: Case File 18, "A Shadowy Premonition" **Note: Character was frozen by TimeRobo Alpha. *I'll kill you all! **Who: Hell's Gate Prisoner, Blaster Mad **Source: Case File 20, "The Renewed Bond" **Note: Character was frozen by TimeRobo ShadowBeta. *Shut up! **Who: Bodyguard Hydrid **Source: Case File 21, "Sion's Style" **Note: Character was frozen by TimeRobo ShadowAlpha. *A woman's grudge is terrifying! **Who: Marriage Con Artist Barbera **Source: Case File 22, "Pink Temptation" **Note: Character was frozen by TimeRobo ShadowAlpha. *Bzzt, bzzt! **Who: Energy Thief Uugo **Source: Case File 23, "Beat Up" **Note: Character was frozen by TimeRobo ShadowBeta. *How's that?! **Who: Assaulter Borg **Source: Case File 24, "Yellow, Sometimes Blue" **Note: Character was frozen by TimeRobo ShadowAlpha. *Get them! Freeze-compress them! **Who: Mad Scientist Genbu **Source: Case File 26, "The Countdown of Trust" **Note: Character was frozen by TimeRobo ShadowBeta. *It's wasted on you, but take this! My special face pack! **Who: Esthetician Domiiro **Source: Case File 27, "The Small Hometown" **Note: Character was frozen by TimeRobo ShadowAlpha. *Are you an idiot?! **Who: Hell's Gate Prisoner Jagur **Source: Case File 28, "A Time of Reunion" **Note: Character was frozen by Timerangers. *Bastard... I'll make your first time your last! **Who: Weapons Smuggler Hammer **Source: Case File 29, "The Fiery New Warrior" **Note: Character was frozen by Naoto. *What?! **Who: Poacher Master Hunter **Source: Case File 30, "The Roar of Fire" **Note: Character was frozen by V-Rex Robo. *Oww! **Who: Bomb-Maker D.D. Ladis **Source: Case File 32, "Save the Criminal" **Note: Character was frozen by TimeRobo ShadowAlpha. *I couldn't be a moneylender if I gave up that easily! **Who: Loan Shark Dogoal **Source: Case File 33, "Little Lady" **Note: Character was frozen by TimeRobo ShadowAlpha and V-Rex Robo. *Yūri! **Who: Stalker Detective Abel **Source: Case File 34, "Assassin" **Note: Character was frozen by TimeRobo ShadowBeta. *So cold! **Who: Hacker Jugend **Source: Case File 35, "Tomorrow Isn't Coming" **Note: Character was frozen by V-Rex Robo. *Ignorant fools! **Who: Saboteur Mayden **Source: Case File 37, "The Sought-After Power" **Note: Character was frozen by Timerangers. *How could this have happened?! The movie's a mess! **Who: Spirited Filmmaker Glokun **Source: Case File 38, "Good Night" **Note: Character was frozen by TimeRobo ShadowBeta. *You fools...! I'll kill every one of you! **Who: Hell's Gate Prisoner Emboss **Source: Case File 39, "A Lie Soaked in Rain" **Note: Character was frozen by TimeRobo ShadowAlpha and V-Rex Robo. *Fools... did you think I'd let you go after making fun of me?! **Who: Serial Thief Dorpa **Source: Case File 40, "Ayase Retires!?" **Note: Character was frozen by TimeRobo ShadowBeta. *The world will end in the year 2001! **Who: Prophet Strauss **Source: Case File 41, "Expose the Prophet" **Note: Character was frozen by TimeRobo ShadowBeta. *You're pretty good. How about this? Let's have a one-shot duel. **Who: Computer Engineer Gate **Source: Case File 46, "Cut Off From the Future" **Note: Character was frozen by V-Rex Robo. *I'm finished, huh...? Lila... I wanted to see your face one more time... did you know... you look just like my mother? **Who: Don Dolnero **Source: Case File 47, "The End of the Don" **Note: Character was killed by Gien. *Asami... you should try... changing it. **Who: Naoto Takizawa/Time Fire **Source: Case File 49, "Beyond the Millennium" **Note: Character was killed by Zenitts. *Six years have passed... but... it would still end up the same... **Who: Ranger Captain Ryūya/Time Red I **Source: Case File 49, "Beyond the Millennium" **Note: Character was killed by Ayase. *You will all die here! *Dolnero... where did you go? I can... count money now... one... two... **Who: Gien **Source: Case File 50, "To an Infinite Tomorrow" **Note: Character was destroyed by V-Rex. First last word was said while in person while second last word was said while in his original self. === ''[[w:Ninpuu Sentai Hurricaneger|Ninpū Sentai Hurricanegers]]'' === *You'll pay for this! **Who: Barrier Ninja Kekkaibo **Source: Scroll 1, "Wind and Ninja" **Note: Character was destroyed by Hurricanegers. *My attacks don't work?! **Who: Magnet Ninja Jishakkumo **Source: Scroll 2, "The Giant and Gadgets" **Note: Character was destroyed by Senpūjin. *I'll make quick work of you lot! **Who: Copy Ninja Kurisottsubo **Source: Scroll 3, "An Impostor and 60 Seconds" **Note: Character was destroyed by Senpūjin. *What good is that thing gonna do? **Who: Excavation Ninja Mogudrago **Source: Scroll 4, "Tunnel and Siblings" **Note: Character was destroyed by Senpūjin. *A substitution technique?! **Who: Poison Flower Ninja Hanasakkadoushi **Source: Scroll 5, "The Chief and the Bath" **Note: Character was destroyed by Senpūjin. *I lost... **Who: Severing Ninja Shiransu **Source: Scroll 6, "Scissors and Kunoichi" **Note: Character was destroyed by Senpūjin. *Fools! I'll show you my true power! **Who: Dimensional Ninja Futabutabo **Source: Scroll 7, "Thunder and Ninja" **Note: Character was destroyed by Senpūjin. *Ribbit! **Who: Water Absorbing Ninja Gamajakushi **Source: Scroll 8, "Wind and Thunder" **Note: Character was destroyed by Senpūjin. *Even though I died from running out of lifespan, my rebirth is the real thing! **Who: Propagation Ninja Kuttukuhōshi **Source: Scroll 9, "Thunder Brothers and the Hourglass" **Note: Character was destroyed by Senpūjin. *No way! **Who: Nightmare Ninja Yumebakushi **Source: Scroll 11, "Dream Feast and Starting Anew" **Note: Character was destroyed by Senpūjin. *If I don't explode, I can't regenerate, clank! **Who: Metal Ninja Tekkotsumeba **Source: Scroll 12, "Steel Frame and Father & Daughter" **Note: Character was destroyed by Yōsuke. *How cheeky, catfish! **Who: Dancing Ninja Higenamazukin **Source: Scroll 13, "Moustache and Engagement Ring" **Note: Character was destroyed by Senpūjin. *Octopus Shuriken! **Who: "Back To" Ninja Octonyūdō **Source: Scroll 14, "Crybaby and Candy" **Note: Character was destroyed by Senpūjin. *Die, Hurricanegers! **Who: Mist-Spitting Ninja Kirikirimaishi **Source: Scroll 16, "Mist and Prediction Device" **Note: Character was destroyed by Senpūjin. *What?! **Who: Island Ninja Girigirigaishi **Source: Scroll 18, "Father and Brotherly Bonds" **Note: Character was destroyed by Senpūjin Hurrier and Gōraijin. *Glory... to... Jakanja! **Who: Second Lance, Chūzūbo **Source: Scroll 19, "The Big Box and the Wind-Thunder Giant" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gōrai Senpūjin. *Flame! **Who: Disaster Ninja Kangaroulette **Source: Scroll 20, "Punch and Rival" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gōrai Senpūjin. *You have a long introduction for a newcomer. **Who: Mirage Ninja Jin-Giron **Source: Scroll 22, "Wings and Ninja" **Note: Character was destroyed by Tenkūjin. *Cologne... **Who: Perfume Ninja Kira-Cologne **Source: Scroll 23, "Cologne and the Great Detective" **Note: Character was destroyed by Tenkūjin. *Daigo! **Who: Thunder Ninja Unadaigo **Source: Scroll 24, "Taiko and Lightning" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gōraijin. *Ah! I'm really dying this time! **Who: Revival Ninja Vamp-Iyan **Source: Scroll 25, "Ghost and Schoolgirl" **Note: Character was destroyed by Tenkū Senpūjin. *Missile Arrow! **Who: Love-Sickness Ninja Chupid **Source: Scroll 26, "Bow & Arrow and Sea Bathing" **Note: Character was destroyed by Tenkū Gōraijin. *You can't control your hands and feet anymore! **Who: Gravity Ninja Omo-Karu **Source: Scroll 27, "Skewers and Zero Gravity" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gōrai Senpūjin. *That's... **Who: Lingering SummerHeat Ninja Bero-Tan **Source: Scroll 29, "Lingering Summer Heat and Stamp" **Note: Character was destroyed by Tenkū Senpūjin. *Mistress First Lance... **Who: Pretty-Girl Ninja Furabijenu **Source: Scroll 30, "Idol and Friendship" **Note: Character was destroyed by Senpūjin. *Mistress Wendinu! **Who: Brainwashing Ninja Jukukinoko **Source: Scroll 34, "Mushrooms and 100 Points" **Note: Character was destroyed by Revolver Gōrai Senpūjin. *Wait! Not all at once! My head is about to explode! Stop! Stop it! **Who: Third Lance, Manmaruba/Manmaruba Imago/Manmaruba Reckless Form **Source: Scroll 37, "The Third Spear and the Great Escape" **Note: Character was destroyed by Tenrai Senpūjin. *Get ready, Kuwaga Raiger. **Who: Balloon Ninja Gomubi-Ron **Source: Scroll 38, "Demon Sword and Balloons" **Note: Character was destroyed by Revolver Gōrai Senpūjin. *It can't be regenerated! **Who: Corrosion Ninja Fushokuruga **Source: Scroll 40, "Decoy and Ninja Law" **Note: Character was destroyed by Revolver Gōrai Senpūjin. *I am Tsukko-Mina! **Who: Manzai Ninja Tsukko-Mina **Source: Scroll 41, "Medal and Comedian" **Note: Character was destroyed by Tenrai Senpūjin. *What?! **Who: Fifth Lance, Sargain **Source: Scroll 43, "Super Fusion and Big Clash" **Note: Character was killed by Sandaaru. *I'm very happy... to meet you... **Who: Kagura (Lady Gozen) **Source: Scroll 48, "Trap and Eternal Life" **Note: Character was killed by Sandaaru. *Lady Gozen's enemy, this planet, and the future... I'm counting on you, Hurricanegers! I'm counting on you, Gouraigers! **Who: Asuka Kagura/Shurikenger **Source: Scrol 49, "Mission and the Heavenly Ninja" **Note: Character was presumably died in Tenkūjin in a kamikaze attack against Satarakura, but was presumably revived. *No way! You're joking! **Who: Sixth Lance, Satarakura **Source: Scrol 49, "Mission and the Heavenly Ninja" **Note: Character was destroyed by Tenkūjin. *Profound sadness... but this is the end of this planet. The end of this universe. Destroyed! **Who: Seventh Lance, Sandaaru **Source: Scroll 50, "Darkness and a New World" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gōraijin. *Useless. It's useless! **Who: Boss Tau Zanto/Tau Zanto Ultimate Form **Source: Scroll 51, "Wind, Water, and Earth" **Note: Character was destroyed by Hurricanegers and Gōraigers. === ''[[w:Bakuryū Sentai Abaranger|Bakuryū Sentai Abaranger]]'' === *Fools! **Who: Trinoid #4: Bakudandelion **Source: Episode 3, "An Abare-Style Children's Hero" **Note: Character was destroyed by AbarenOh. *You are the only one who I won't forgive! **Who: Trinoid #5: Hakkarasniper **Source: Episode 4, "Completed! The Secret Abare Base" **Note: Character was destroyed by AbarenOh. *Ah! Owowowowowow! **Who: Trinoid #6: Zakurobacuum **Source: Episode 6, "Abare Idol-Aged Daughter" **Note: Character was destroyed by AbarenOh. *The underground is my turf. You can't attack me here, can you? **Who: Trinoid #7: Jishakunagengorou **Source: Episode 7, "Abare Baby Bakuryū" **Note: Character was destroyed by AbarenOh. *Squid inkcoming! **Who: Trinoid #8: Kinmokuseikamikakushi **Source: Episode 9, "Awaken!! Abare Survivor" **Note: Character was destroyed by AbarenOh Strikerus. *Ursanks! **Who: Trinoid #9: Bankumashurum **Source: Episode 10, "Abare Leaguer Bind" **Note: Character was destroyed by AbarenOh Strikerus. *See how you like this! Only geniuses can predict natural disasters! **Who: Trinoid #3: Tensaikikku **Source: Episode 11, "Abare Psychic. Oink." **Note: Character was destroyed by AbarenOh. *Shark tsunami. Rise, rise! **Who: Trinoid #10: Sharkurumarguertto **Source: Episode 16, "Riding! Abare Surfing" **Note: Character was destroyed by AbarenOh Slidon. *The rat goes squeaky! **Who: Trinoid #11: Ayameganezumi **Source: Episode 17, "The Battlefield's Abare-Strut" **Note: Character was destroyed by AbarenOh Slidon. *Take this! **Who: Trinoid #13: Mukadenpansi **Source: Episode 23, "Abare EM Wave Dogyuun!" **Note: Character was destroyed by AbarenOh. *It was... an illusion...?! **Who: Trinoid #14: Haematsu **Source: Episode 25, "Better Fortune! Abare Shinto Offering" **Note: Character was destroyed by AbarenOh. *Like I'm gonna lose? Bonito Missiles! **Who: Trinoid #15: Tsuribakatsuoribu **Source: Episode 26, "Fishing Idiot Abare Diary, Domodomo" **Note: Character was destroyed by AbarenOh Veilus Roccutter. *Giant Bomb! **Who: Trinoid #17: Shiyouhousenkamereon **Source: Episode 28, "The Bride is Abare-chan" **Note: Character was destroyed by AbarenOh Veilus. *Bomber! You won't win against me! **Who: Trinoid #18: Rakopiman **Source: Episode 29, "The Selfish Disciple, Abare Contest" **Note: Character was destroyed by AbarenOh Veilus. *Hupsie! **Who: Trinoid #2: Hirurindou **Source: Episode 33, "Don't Forget the Abare Warrior" **Note: Character was destroyed by MaxOhJa. *Now to really finish you off! **Who: Trinoid #19: Hagetakarachi **Source: Episode 35, "The Quick-Changing Abare Nadeshiko!" **Note: Character was destroyed by MaxOhJa. *Deern't you care what happens to them? **Who: Trinoid #21: Reindeiasanta **Source: Episode 41, "Merry Abaremas! Jamejame" **Note: Character was destroyed by MaxRyuOh. *I may have been defeated, but our revived Lord Dezmoparamercia will destroy you all for sure! Happy holidays, everyone! **Who: Trinoid #22: Nanakusarumba **Source: Episode 45, "New Year Abare Rumba" **Note: Character was destroyed by AbarenOh. *Playtime is officially over. **Who: Trinoid #1: Dragondoran **Source: Episode 46, "Praying! Abare Visual Kei" **Note: Character was destroyed by AbarenOh, MaxOhJa, and KillerOh. *Stop it already! **Who: Creative Messenger Mikela **Source: Episode 48, "The Final Abare Game" **Note: Character was turned into DezumoVoorla. *That's not an artistic way to go! **Who: Visionary Messenger Voffa **Source: Episode 48, "The Final Abare Game" **Note: Character was turned into DezumoVoorla. *You're a strange guy... how ironic... me, wanting to live... but the weird thing is... it doesn't feel bad... **Who: Mikoto Nakadai/AbareKiller **Source: Episode 48, "The Final Abare Game" **Note: Character dies from his wounds. *You've certainly gave us enough excitement. You don't need to look for excitement anymore. Farewell, Mikoto. **Who: Bakuryū TopGaler **Source: Episode 48, "The Final Abare Game" **Note: Character vanishes along with a dying Mikoto. *Save me! Hurry up! Save m- *My other self... is already dead...! **Who: Wicked Life God Dezumozorlya **Source: "Only Those Who've Abare'd" **Note: Character was destroyed by Abarangers. First last word was from Another Earth while second last word was from Dino Earth. === ''[[w:Tokusou Sentai Dekaranger|Tokusō Sentai Dekaranger]]'' === *That has... nothing to do with me. **Who: Diamantian Don Moyaida **Source: Episode 2, "Robo Impact" **Note: Character was destroyed by Ban. *Impossible! My Devil Capture! You bastards. I'm going to wipe you from this world! **Who: Grorserian Hell Heaven **Source: Episode 3, "Perfect Blue" **Note: Character was destroyed by Hōji. *I won't forgive you, bastard! *Unforgivable. Those that defeated me... I won't forgive them! **Who: Rikomoian Kevakia **Source: Episode 4, "Cyber Dive" **Note: Character was destroyed by Ban and Hōji, with his consciousness inside Devil Capture 2 was destroyed by Dekaranger Robo. First last word was said while in person while second last word was said while inside Devil Capture 2. *Fools! **Who: Anrian Beildon **Source: Episode 5, "Buddy Murphy" **Note: Character was destroyed by Dekarangers. *Wanting to coexist with these savage humans on this planet, we have something more important than that! **Who: Ridomihan Kersus **Source: Episode 6, "Green Mystery" **Note: Character was destroyed by Dekarangers. *Do you think you can defeat me?! **Who: Igaroid **Source: Episode 8, "Rainbow Vision" **Note: Character was destroyed by Dekarangers. *It's no use hiding! **Who: Quotaian Dagonel **Source: Episode 8, "Rainbow Vision" **Note: Character was destroyed by Dekaranger Robo. *What?! Escape! **Who: Zamuzan Sheik **Source: Episode 10, "Trust Me" **Note: Character was destroyed by Dekarangers. *Don't make me laugh! Can you just live on pride?! Money is good, what is justice?! **Who: Intergalactic Hitman Gigandes **Source: Episode 11, "Pride Sniper" **Note: Character was destroyed by Dekaranger Robo. *Ignorant fool! **Who: Kajimerian Ben G **Source: Episode 13, "High Noon Dogfight" **Note: Character was destroyed by Doggy. *This time I'll finish you right away! **Who: Cristonian Ferley **Source: Episode 14, "Please, Boss" **Note: Character was destroyed by Dekarangers. *Wait! I'm the Destroyer King! I'll finish myself. **Who: Titanian Meteus **Source: Episode 16, "Giant Destroyer" **Note: Character was destroyed by Doggy. *Ready to gettsu! **Who: Ozchuian Ial **Source: Episode 17, "Twin Cam Angel" **Note: Character was destroyed by Dekaranger Robo. *You guys! This is...! **Who: Wojonian Jinche **Source: Episode 19, "Fake Blue" **Note: Character was destroyed by Dekarangers. *Take this! **Who: Guermerlian Byz Goa **Source: Episode 20, "Running Hero" **Note: Character was destroyed by Dekaranger Robo. *What's with this guy's body?! It's hard! **Who: Reversian Bon-Goblin Hells **Source: Episode 22, "Full Throttle Elite" **Note: Character was destroyed by DekaBike Robo. *You guys are going to regret it. Big brother, the life energy that I've drained, I give it all to you. Make them suffer for my sake too. Send them to hell! **Who: Reversian Succubus Hells **Source: Episode 23, "Brave Emotion" **Note: Character committed suicide to revive Blitz Hells. *I'll send you to hell from there! **Who: Reversian Blitz Hells **Source: Episode 23, "Brave Emotion" **Note: Character was destroyed by Dekaranger Robo and DekaBike Robo. *This is my chance to become the richest guy in the universe! You think I'll let you guys stop me?! **Who: Dradian Goldom **Source: Episode 24, "Cutie Negotiator" **Note: Character was destroyed by DekaBike Robo. *I'm not getting caught here! **Who: Spiritian Byoi **Source: Episode 25, "Witness Grandma" **Note: Character was destroyed by DekaBike Robo. *Ignorant fools! **Who: Tylerian Durden **Source: Episode 26, "Cool Passion" **Note: Character was destroyed by Super Dekaranger Robo. *You think that bike can beat me?! **Who: Barigean Milibar **Source: Episode 27, "Funky Prisoner" **Note: Character was destroyed by Super Dekaranger Robo. *You fools! **Who: Pouchien Bolapen **Source: Episode 28, "Alienizer Returns" **Note: Character was destroyed by Dekaranger Robo. *Light! **Who: Speckionian Genio **Source: Episode 29, "Mirror Revenger" **Note: Character was destroyed by Tetsu. *For real?! **Who: Pukosian Jackil **Source: Episode 31, "Princess Training" **Note: Character was destroyed by Super Dekaranger Robo. *Get them! **Who: Botsian Zortac **Source: Episode 33, "SWAT Mode On" **Note: Character was destroyed by Dekarangers. *Bullshit! **Who: Karakazian Sanoa **Source: Episode 33, "SWAT Mode On" **Note: Character was destroyed by Dekarangers. *The romantic concubines are mine! **Who: Tentean Siroger **Source: Episode 34, "Celeb Game" **Note: Character was destroyed by DekaWing Robo. *It's mine! **Who: Handorean Decho **Source: Episode 34, "Celeb Game" **Note: Character was destroyed by DekaWing Robo. *Trying to bully me? **Who: Thousanian Gineka **Source: Episode 34, "Celeb Game" **Note: Character was destroyed by DekaWing Robo. *You said you love big sister... so that was a lie?! **Who: Mikean Clord **Source: Episode 37, "Hard Boiled License" **Note: Character was killed by Hōji. *Shut up! Damn you! **Who: Aladonian Gyanjava **Source: Episode 38, "Cycling Bomb" **Note: Character was destroyed by Ban. *I... looks like I'm finished. This... this is the end... no... Jasmine... afterwards... it's up to you... **Who: Kōme "Umeko" Kodō/DekaPink **Source: Episode 39, "Requiem World" **Note: Character was killed by Mime, but was revived by Jasmine. *That's so dirty! **Who: Yuilwerian Mime **Source: Episode 39, "Requiem World" **Note: Character was destroyed by Umeko and Jasmine. *It's cold. **Who: Pyrian Korachek **Source: Episode 40, "Gold Badge Education" **Note: Character was destroyed by DekaWing Robo. *Get him! **Who: Guirarkian Don Bianco **Source: Episode 41, "Trick Room" **Note: Character was destroyed by Jingi. *You won't catch me. Ultimate Devil! Now, let's play a bit more. **Who: Assassinian Jingi **Source: Episode 41, "Trick Room" **Note: Character was destroyed by DekaWing Robo. *Damn you... **Who: Sumasuleenian Nikaradar **Source: Episode 42, "Skull Talking" **Note: Character was destroyed by Dekarangers. *I... will not lose to you! **Who: Bokudenian Biskes **Source: Episode 44, "Mortal Campaign" **Note: Character was destroyed by Doggy. *Kōme! Wait! Please wait! I said wait! **Who: Sukekonoian Mashu **Source: Episode 46, "Propose Panic" **Note: Character was destroyed by Umeko. *Fools... I can use Plasma-X's power to do this too! I'll grind you into dust! **Who: Dynamoian Terry X **Source: Episode 47, "Wild Heart, Cool Brain" **Note: Character was destroyed by DekaWing Robo. *You did it, Tetsu. From here on... I leave it to you... **Who: Banban Akaza/Deka Red **Source: Episode 48, "Fireball Succession" **Note: Character was unwillingly killed by Tetsu, but was revived by the latter. *Eat this! **Who: Kulernian Jellyfis **Source: "Devil's Deka Base" **Note: Character was destroyed by Super Dekaranger Robo. *Don't think it'll end by defeating me! As long as people exist in the universe, crime will never disappear! Everyone possesses the same ambition that I do! **Who: Rainian Agent Abrella **Source: Episode 50, "Forever Dekaranger" **Note: Character was destroyed by Dekarangers. === ''[[w:Mahō Sentai Magiranger|Mahō Sentai Magiranger]]'' === *Magic exists for justice, so why does someone like Infershia have it?! **Who: Miyuki Ozu/Magi Mother **Source: Stage 2, "Bring Out the Courage ~Maagi Magi Magika~" **Note: Character was killed by Wolzard, but was later revived by Tsubasa. *I am... Victory General Branken! **Who: Victory General Branken **Source: Stage 18, "Uniting Powers ~Maagi Giruma Gii Jinga~" **Note: Character was destroyed by MagiKing. *That's impossible! Not possible! **Who: Hades Beastman Gremlin Garim **Source: Stage 20, "Kiss Me, Ribbit ~Goolu Golu Goludiiro~" **Note: Character was destroyed by Hikaru. *I'm going to turn you into scrap iron! **Who: Hades Beastman Behemoth Beldan **Source: Stage 21, "Let's Go on the Magic Express ~Goo Goo Goludiiro~" **Note: Character was destroyed by Travelion. *Ignorant fools! You bastards are impudent! **Who: Hades Beastman Incubus Belbireji **Source: Stage 24, "As Your Teacher ~Golu Golu Gojika~" **Note: Character was destroyed by MagiKing. *Peewee. Is angry! You guys... will rip apart! And... scattered in the sky! **Who: Hades Beastman Harpy Peewee **Source: Stage 26, "Believe!! ~Giruma Gii Magika~" **Note: Character was destroyed by MagiKing. *I lost to such a worthless thing?! **Who: Hades Beastman Hellish King Samurai Shichijūrō **Source: Stage 27, "Our Bonds ~Magiine Magiine~" **Note: Character was destroyed by Hikaru. *That's not possible! **Who: Hades Beastman Hellish King Siren Neries **Source: Stage 28, "Eternally… ~Giruma Magi Magi Magiine~" **Note: Character was destroyed by Magirangers. *What?! **Who: Hades Beastman Hellish King Yeti Zee **Source: Stage 30, "Legendary Power ~Maagi Magi Magi Magiiro~" **Note: Character was destroyed by Magirangers. *You fools! *You tricked me, Meemy! Better to be dead than in his body! **Who: Hades Beastman Hellish King Kobold Bullrates **Source: Stage 31, "The Extraordinary Majin ~Maagi Giruma Golu Jingajin~" **Note: Character was destroyed by Magirangers, with his spirit was absorbed into Hades Machine Golem by Meemy. First last word was said while in person while second last word was said while in spirit. *What?! **Who: Gestalt Hades Beastman Chimera **Source: Stage 34, "Bonds of Courage ~Goolu Golu Goludo~" **Note: Character was destroyed by SaintKaiser. *The Gods of Infershia will be reborn... the time of judgement for the Surface and Heavenly Worlds has come... wait for the time when you tremble in fear and despair...! Ha ha ha... rap... ture... **Who: Sorcery Priest Meemy **Source: Stage 34, "Bonds of Courage ~Goolu Golu Goludo~" **Note: Character was killed by Hikaru. *If you fight the remaining Ten Gods one by one, you'll know someday. However... this will be a more bloody path than you can imagine! **Who: Hades God Ifrit **Source: Stage 36, "Carrying Out Divine Retribution ~Maagi Golu Gogika~" **Note: Character was destroyed by Dagon. *Well done. You cleared my game! **Who: Hades God Cyclops **Source: Stage 38, "A Promise With Big Brother ~Goo Magiiro~" **Note: Character was destroyed by MagiLegend. *Don't think you've won with this. As prophesied... Drake will avenge me. Definetly... **Who: Hades Goddess Gorgon **Source: Stage 40, "The Gorgon's Garden ~Magine Luludo~" **Note: Character was destroyed by MagiLegend. *Impossible! I will never be defeated! **Who: Hades God Drake **Source: Stage 42, "Confrontation! Two Ultimate Gods ~Goolu Luuma Golu Gonga~" **Note: Character was destroyed by Travelion. *How dare you do this to a God! **Who: Hades God Toad **Source: Stage 44, "Mother's Scent ~Giruma Giruma Gonga~" **Note: Character was destroyed by Magirangers. *It can't be! I don't... believe this... **Who: Hades God Wyvern **Source: Stage 46, "Head to the Lake ~Goolu Golu Golu Goludiiro~" **Note: Character was destroyed by Isamu. *Master... Dagon! **Who: Hades God Titan **Source: Stage 46, "Head to the Lake ~Goolu Golu Golu Goludiiro~" **Note: Character was killed by Dagon. *The idiots are you guys, all you can see is N Ma! **Who: Hades Goddess Sphinx **Source: Stage 47, "Using Magic to Reach You ~Luludo Goludiiro~" **Note: Character was killed by Dagon, but was revived by Vancuria. *This is... the strength of courage... that Sphinx mentioned?! Indeed it is... **Who: Hades God Sleipnir **Source: Stage 48, "Decisive Battle ~Magi Majuulu Gogoolu Jingajin~" **Note: Character was destroyed by Magirangers. *The power of darkness... is not absolute...!? I... **Who: Hades God Dagon **Source: Stage 49, "Return to Legends ~Maagi Magi Majendo~" **Note: Character was destroyed by Miyuki and Sphinx. *What am I being filled with...? I'm full... I'm so full...! **Who: Absolute God N Ma **Source: Stage 49, "Return to Legends ~Maagi Magi Majendo~" **Note: Character was destroyed by Magirangers. === ''[[w:GoGo Sentai Boukenger|GoGo Sentai Boukenger]]'' === *You ignorant fools! **Who: Jougami **Source: Task 3, "The Champion's Blades" **Note: Character was destroyed by DaiBouken. *Takumigami. **Who: Takumigami **Source: Task 5, "The Imperial Pearl" **Note: Character was destroyed by DaiBouken Shovel. *Fools! Damn you! Damn you! **Who: Kawazugami **Source: Task 9, "The Paper Crane Ninja" **Note: Character was destroyed by DaiBouken Drill and Crane. *What?! **Who: Kanadegami **Source: Task 12, "The Pipes of Hamelin" **Note: Character was destroyed by Super DaiBouken. *You're finished! **Who: Lindom **Source: Task 13, "The Treasures of Princess Kaguya" **Note: Character was destroyed by Super DaiBouken. *In this form, you can't attack me! **Who: Nendogami **Source: Task 14, "The Revived Past" **Note: Character was destroyed by Super DaiBouken. *Hand the Precious over! **Who: Evil Dragon Naga **Source: Task 16, "The Water Crystal" **Note: Character was destroyed by Ultimate DaiBouken. *Fools! **Who: Hyouga **Source: Task 17, "The Ashu Mirror" **Note: Character was destroyed by Ultimate DaiBouken. *Gonna blow! Three! Two! One! Gone! **Who: Zukangami **Source: Task 22, "The Ring of Solomon" **Note: Character was destroyed by SirenBuilder Drill and Shovel. *Now, be one with me. **Who: Prince **Source: Task 26, "The Glass Slipper" **Note: Character was destroyed by Sakura. *No... I... I... **Who: Talong **Source: Task 27, "The Feng-Shui Trap" **Note: Character was destroyed by Super DaiBouken. *That is endless Bouken Spirits? **Who: Shirubegami **Source: Task 32, "The Secret of the Adventure School" **Note: Character was destroyed by DaiBouken. *What? **Who: Mamorigami **Source: Task 35, "The Head of God" **Note: Character was destroyed by DaiVoyager. *Just your dirty soul, even if it takes my life...! **Who: Ouga **Source: Task 40, "The Western Ashu" **Note: Character was destroyed by Ultimate DaiBouken. *Takaoka! **Who: Furious Fiend Gai/Quester Gai **Source: Task 42, "The Age of the Questers" **Note: Character was destroyed by Eiji. *As if I'll let it end! **Who: Grand Beast Rei/Quester Rei **Source: Task 42, "The Age of the Questers" **Note: Character was destroyed by Boukengers. *My turn, baby. Good luck! **Who: Dagargin **Source: Task 45, "The Evilest Wicked Dragon" **Note: Character was destroyed by SirenBuilder Shovel. *Masumi Inō, there is darkness within you... that is the absolute truth... you'll never escape from darkness... the power of darkness cannot be... destroyed! **Who: Yaiba of Darkness **Source: Task 46, "The Awakened Darkness" **Note: Character was destroyed by Masumi. *The only ones who can dream... are humans? *What?! **Who: Creator King Ryūwon **Source: Task 47, "The Box of Despair" **Note: Character was presumed killed in the destruction of the Precious vault. During second last word in ''Kaizoku Sentai Gokaiger'', character was destroyed by GokaiOh. *Defeating me again... by the dreams of those stupid humans. Someday, I will come back. **Who: High Priest Gajah **Source: Task 49, "The Endless Adventure Spirits" **Note: Character was hibernating again. === ''[[w:Juken Sentai Gekiranger|Jūken Sentai Gekiranger]]'' === *I can't pull it out! **Who: Makirika **Source: Lesson 2, "Waki-Waki! Jūken Combination" **Note: Character was destroyed by GekiTohja. *You can't see through my speed! **Who: Gyuuya **Source: Lesson 3, "Shio-Shio! Cleaning Power" **Note: Character was destroyed by GekiTohja. *Suffer and die! *Got it! **Who: Kademu **Source: Lesson 5, "Uja-Uja! What Should I Do?" and Lesson 9, "The Kena-Kena Woman" **Note: Character was destroyed by GekiTohja. During second last word, character was destroyed by Rio. *What?! *Shut up! All I have to do is get rid of you guys! **Who: Moriya **Source: Lesson 6, "Juwān! What's That?" and Lesson 9, "The Kena-Kena Woman" **Note: Character was destroyed by GekiTohja. During second last word, character was destroyed by Gekirangers. *Impossible! My secret... waza! **Who: Maga **Source: Lesson 8, "Koto-Koto… intently Koto-Koto" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gekirangers. *Fools! My cute scorpions! Ringi! Flying Vermilion Whip Kick! **Who: Sorisa **Source: Lesson 8, "Koto-Koto… intently Koto-Koto" **Note: Character was destroyed by GekiTohja. *Are you really okay with that?! **Who: Braco **Source: Lesson 9, "The Kena-Kena Woman" **Note: Character was destroyed by Mele. *That can't be! How can my Ringi be beaten?! **Who: Muzankose **Source: Lesson 11, "Ukya-Ukya! Jūken Armament" **Note: Character was destroyed by GekiElephanTohja. *Ringi! Eel Strangulation! **Who: Nagiu **Source: Lesson 12, "Zowan-Zowan! Rin Jūken Training Starts" **Note: Character was destroyed by GekiElephanTohja. *Rutsu is beaten! Damn you! Completely unforgivable! **Who: Rasuka **Source: Lesson 14, "Netsu-Netsu! Forget the Technique" **Note: Character was destroyed by GekiBatTohja. *Your rotten Geki Jūken! **Who: Rutsu **Source: Lesson 15, "Howa-Howa! Mama Skills" **Note: Character was destroyed by GekiBatTohja. *Then Spiraling Great Shell Spin! **Who: Dokariya **Source: Lesson 18, "Sharkin-Kīn! The Body is Strong" **Note: Character was destroyed by GekiSharkTohja. *If I attack from this height... **Who: Eruka **Source: Lesson 19, "Gokin-Gokin! Showdown with Rio" **Note: Character was destroyed by GekiSharkTohja. *I've been turned into round slices. Turned into round slices. How cruel. How cruel! **Who: Tabu **Source: Lesson 22, "Kyui-Kyui! Date with a Celebrity" **Note: Character was destroyed by GekiSharkFire. *It can't be... I... **Who: Marashiya **Source: Lesson 23, "Gure-Gure! Sukeban Captain" **Note: Character was destroyed by GekiElephantFire. *I'll bring you down! **Who: Hihi **Source: Lesson 25, "Hine-Hine! Just My Shigeki" **Note: Character was destroyed by GekiTohjaWolf. *The finisher! **Who: Powote **Source: Lesson 27, "Beran-Beran! Burn, Commentator" **Note: Character was destroyed by GekiTohjaWolf. *Ignorant fool! Die from Mudbank Torso Snapping! You can't follow me! **Who: Niwa **Source: Lesson 28, "With Bishi-Bishi Pikīn Osu!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Ken. *My Confrontation Beast Ostrich-Fist Shift Rinki! **Who: Chouda I **Source: Lesson 29, "Guda-Guda Here-Here! Shopping" **Note: Character was destroyed by GekiBatFire and GekiTohjaWolf. *I'll defeat you with one hit! Confrontation Beast Ostrich-Fist! Reckless Driving Foot! **Who: Chouda II **Source: Lesson 30, "The Sei-Sei and Dou-Dou Woman" **Note: Character was destroyed by GekiFire. *I won't allow it! **Who: Tsuneki **Source: Lesson 31, "We Muni-Muni!" **Note: Character was destroyed by GekiElephantFire and GekiTohjaWolf. *Lord Rageku! **Who: Mukoua **Source: Lesson 33, "Fure-Fure Gatchiri! Kung Fu Chūshingura" **Note: Character was destroyed by GekiRinTohja. *My death is merely the beginning. You will all die by Lord Maku! **Who: Sky Kenma Kata **Source: Lesson 34, "Gowan-Gowan's Dain-Dain! Jūken Giant, Kenzan" **Note: Character was destroyed by SaiDaiOh. *Am I losing...? Me, losing my power...? That's not possible! I refuse to believe this! Not a chance! **Who: Land Kenma Maku **Source: Lesson 35, "Gyuon-Gyuon! Beast Power Bloom" **Note: Character was destroyed by SaiDaiGeki Fire. *What are you going to do to Rio...? **Who: Sea Kenma Rageku **Source: Lesson 35, "Gyuon-Gyuon! Beast Power Bloom" **Note: Character was killed by Long. *No! It can't be! How can Mythical Beast-Fist be beaten?! **Who: Shiyuu **Source: Lesson 38, "Biba-Biba! Another Retu" **Note: Character was destroyed by SaiDaiOh. *Impossible! How can my graceful Gengi be beaten?! **Who: Haku **Source: Lesson 39, "Uro-Uro! The Children Don't Return" **Note: Character was destroyed by SaiDaiOh. *A worthy battle for my end! **Who: Dorou **Source: Lesson 42, "Wasshi-Wasshi Moving On!" **Note: Character was destroyed by GekiBeasts. *Bye bye! **Who: Sojo **Source: Lesson 42, "Wasshi-Wasshi Moving On!" **Note: Character was destroyed by SaiDaiGekiTohja. *It's cold! **Who: Shuen **Source: Lesson 43, "Hapi-Hapi! Merry Christmas, Osu" **Note: Character was destroyed by SaiDaiGekiFire. *I have my ambition! I will become one of the Shigenshō and become stronger! **Who: Kou **Source: Lesson 44, "Wafu-Wafu! Father's Melody" **Note: Character was destroyed by SaiDaiOh. *Continue without fear... that is your path. **Who: Dan/Suugu **Source: Lesson 44, "Wafu-Wafu! Father's Melody" **Note: Character was unwillingly destroyed by Jan. *Gengi! Thunder-Boom Wave! **Who: Gouyu **Source: Lesson 45, "Pikīn! Showdown of Destiny" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gō. *For the great Lord Long, may he have eternal victory! **Who: Hiso **Source: Lesson 46, "Gyawa-Gyawa Memories" **Note: Character was destroyed by GekiBeasts. *I've got no power. **Who: Sanyo **Source: Lesson 47, "Pika-Pika! My Path" **Note: Character was destroyed by Mele. *Okay then... **Who: Mele **Source: Lesson 48, "Saba-Saba! Crucial Fist Judgement" **Note: Character was killed by Long. *Eat this. Confrontation Technique: Great Charge Roar! **Who: Rio **Source: Lesson 48, "Saba-Saba! Crucial Fist Judgement" **Note: Character was killed by Long. *That's bullshit! You plan to seal me in eternal darkness?! Me, the ruler of Mythical Beast?! **Who: Long/Mugenryu **Source: Lesson 49, "Zun-Zun! Jūken Will Continue…" **Note: Character was was sealed by Gekirangers. === ''[[w:Samurai Sentai Shinkenger|Samurai Sentai Shinkenger]]'' === *Stop! **Who: Kagekamuro **Source: Act 1, "The Gallant Appearance of the Five Samurai" **Note: Character was destroyed by Takeru. *Cut him! Cut him down! **Who: Ootsumuji **Source: Act 2, "The Stylish Combination" **Note: Character was destroyed by ShinkenOh. *What?! Impossible! **Who: Rokuroneri **Source: Act 3, "An Extermination Skill Contest" **Note: Character was destroyed by ShinkenOh. *What?! **Who: Namiayashi **Source: Act 4, "Nightly Tears of Sympathy" **Note: Character was destroyed by ShinkenOh. *How futile I was! **Who: Yanasudare **Source: Act 5, "The Kabuto Origami" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kabuto ShinkenOh. *What is that?! You just stuck... **Who: Zuboshimeshi **Source: Act 6, "The Abusive King" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kabuto ShinkenOh. *Something came out. **Who: Yamiororo **Source: Act 7, "Marlin Fishing" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kajiki ShinkenOh. *Regret... regret... **Who: Hitomidama **Source: Act 9, "The Tiger's Rebellion" **Note: Character was destroyed by Tora ShinkenOh. *I have fallen into despair! **Who: Okakurage **Source: Act 10, "The Great Sky Combination" **Note: Character was destroyed by Daitenkū. *I will not relinquish this head! **Who: Ushirobushi **Source: Act 12, "The Very First Super Samurai Combination" **Note: Character was destroyed by Tenkū ShinkenOh. *I lost! **Who: Narisumashi **Source: Act 15, "The Imposter and the Real Deal's Arrest" **Note: Character was destroyed by Tenkū ShinkenOh. *I wanted to be happy! **Who: Marigomori **Source: Act 16, "The Power of the Kuroko" **Note: Character was destroyed by Tora ShinkenOh. *What a regret! **Who: Isagitsune **Source: Act 17, "The Sushi Samurai" **Note: Character was destroyed by Tenkū ShinkenOh. *What?! **Who: Hyakuyappa **Source: Act 18, "Samurai Promotion" **Note: Character was destroyed by Ika ShinkenOh. *What?! I can't move! **Who: Oinogare **Source: Act 19, "Learning the Samurai Disposition" **Note: Character was destroyed by Ika ShinkenOh. *Huh? That's strange. I haven't seen anyone today? Where are they? **Who: Kotoha Hanaori/Shinken Yellow **Source: Act 20, "The Ebi Origami's Transformation" **Note: Character was killed by Utakasane, but was revived by Shinkengers. *What?! **Who: Utakasane **Source: Act 20, "The Ebi Origami's Transformation" **Note: Character was destroyed by DaikaiOh. *Damn you, Dōkoku! **Who: Gozunagumo **Source: Act 24, "The True Samurai Combination" **Note: Character was destroyed by Daikai ShinkenOh. *What've you done?! **Who: Yumebakura **Source: Act 26, "Decisive Match Number One" **Note: Character was destroyed by Daikai ShinkenOh. *I'm not going to let this end with my humiliation! **Who: Abekonbe **Source: Act 27, "The Switched Lives" **Note: Character was destroyed by Daikai ShinkenOh. *I'm lame! **Who: Dokurobou **Source: Act 29, "The Runaway Lantern" **Note: Character was destroyed by Daikai ShinkenOh. *Damn you! I will not be sealed a second time! **Who: Manpuku Aburame **Source: [[w:Samurai Sentai Shinkenger The Movie: The Fateful War|Samurai Sentai Shinkenger The Movie: The Fateful War]] **Note: Character was destroyed by Kyōryū ShinkenOh. *My butt! **Who: Azemidoro **Source: Act 31, "The Kyōryū Origami" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kyōryū ShinkenOh. *This is the forbidden power! **Who: Happouzu **Source: Act 33, "The Great Bull King" **Note: Character was destroyed by MōgyūDaiOh. *That was delicious! I sure ate a lot! I really ate! I can't eat any more. My stomach's full. **Who: Futagawara **Source: Act 35, "The Eleven Origami, The Complete Combination" **Note: Character was destroyed by SamuraiHaOh. *But I wanted to shakashakashaka more! **Who: Sogizarai **Source: Act 36, "The Curry Samurai" **Note: Character was destroyed by SamuraiHaOh. *No! **Who: Mochibetori **Source: Act 37, "The Epic Glue Battle" **Note: Character was destroyed by MōgyūDaiOh. *It's not over yet! **Who: Ikusazure **Source: Act 38, "Showdown with the Rifle Squad" **Note: Character was destroyed by MōgyūDaiOh. *You're in the way! **Who: Sunasusuri **Source: Act 41, "The Sent Words" **Note: Character was destroyed by SamuraiHaOh. *Nosakamata, appear! Go! **Who: Tsubotoguro **Source: Act 42, "The Two-Hundred Year Long Ambition" **Note: Character was destroyed by Daikai ShinkenOh. *This pain... I can see it... this is... this is...! **Who: Akumaro Sujigarano **Source: Act 43, "One Last Sword Stroke" **Note: Character was destroyed by SamuraiHaOh. *Batcheed, you bastard... **Who: Homurakogi **Source: [[w:Samurai Sentai Shinkenger vs. Go-onger: GinmakuBang!!|Samurai Sentai Shinkenger vs. Go-onger: GinmakuBang!!]] **Note: Character was destroyed by Shinkenger and Go-ongers. *Losing is not the end. It is giving up that is the end de aru! **Who: Pollution President Batcheed **Source: [[w:Samurai Sentai Shinkenger vs. Go-onger: GinmakuBang!!|Samurai Sentai Shinkenger vs. Go-onger: GinmakuBang!!]] **Note: Character was destroyed by Daikai ShinkenOh, MōgyūDaiOh, and EngineOh G12. *What is this detestable flame?! My body... my body won't move! **Who: Yomotsugari **Source: Act 44, "The Eighteenth Head of the Shiba House" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kaoru. *I'm filling with even more power! **Who: Oborojime **Source: Act 46, "The Showdown Clash" **Note: Character was destroyed by SamuraiHaOh. *Your sword has reached my bone marrow... **Who: Jūzō Fuwa **Source: Act 47, "Bonds" **Note: Character was destroyed by Takeru. *Go... **Who: Dayū Usukawa **Source: Act 48, "The Final Great Decisive Battle" **Note: Character was killed by Dōkoku. *Shinkengers...! Even if I'm gone, you will all perish someday... the crevice to the Sanzu River... is open... **Who: Dōkoku Chimatsuri **Source: Act 49, "A Samurai Sentai Eternally" **Note: Character was destroyed by ShinkenOh. *End! **Who: Demebakuto **Source: [[w:Samurai Sentai Shinkenger Returns|Samurai Sentai Shinkenger Returns: Special Act]] **Note: Character was destroyed by Daikai ShinkenOh. === ''[[w:Tensou Sentai Goseiger|Tensō Sentai Goseiger]]'' === *What?! **Who: Mizogu of the Clump **Source: Epic 1, "The Gosei Angels Descend" **Note: Character was destroyed by Goseigers. *This calls for desperate measures! **Who: Zaruwaku of the UFO **Source: Epic 2, "The Fantastic Goseigers" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gosei Great. *That's not going to change anything! **Who: Yuzeikusu of the Ice & Snow **Source: Epic 3, "Landick Power Divided" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gosei Great. *Only squares don't get true muse-ic! **Who: Mazuarta of the Music **Source: Epic 4, "Play the Angel's Song" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gosei Great. *Zis is not possible! **Who: Ucyuseruzo of the Influenza **Source: Epic 5, "Magical Hyde" **Note: Character was destroyed by Seaick Gosei Great. *How could you catch up to the flash?! **Who: Hidō of the Swift Runner **Source: Epic 6, "The Breakout Goseigers" **Note: Character was destroyed by Landick Gosei Great. *How could you catch up to the flash?! **Who: Hidō of the Swift Runner **Source: Epic 6, "The Breakout Goseigers" **Note: Character was destroyed by Landick Gosei Great. *If you're going to force my hand, then... **Who: Abauta of the Research **Source: Epic 7, "Protect the Land!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Landick Gosei Great. *If you're going to force my hand, then... **Who: Fandaho of Nonsense **Source: Epic 8, "Out of Control Gosei Power" **Note: Character was destroyed by Exotic Gosei Great. *Master Drake... be well! **Who: Irian of the Queen Bee **Source: Epic 9, "Gotcha☆Gosei Girls" **Note: Character was destroyed by Skick Gosei Great. *You miserable fools don't stand a chance! I'll burn you to dust! **Who: Kurasuniigo of 5000°C **Source: Epic 10, "Hyde's Partner" **Note: Character was destroyed by Seaick Gosei Great. *DEFEAT! **Who: Yokubabanger of Electric Shock **Source: Epic 11, "Spark, Landick Power" **Note: Character was destroyed by Datas Hyper. *This isn't over! What?! **Who: Powereddark of Mutation **Source: Epic 13, "Run! The Mystic Runner" **Note: Character was destroyed by Mystic Gosei Great. *Master Mons Drake! **Who: Targate of the Satellite **Source: Epic 14, "Birth of the Ultimate Tag Team!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Mystic Gosei Great and Datas Hyper. *I'm Mons Drake of the Planet! I'm Warstar! How could I fall... to creatures like these?! **Who: Great King Mons Drake of the Planet **Source: Epic 15, "Countdown! The Life of the Earth" **Note: Character was destroyed by Hyper Gosei Great. *You pathetic creature... how could I lose to someone like you?! **Who: Dereputa of the Meteor **Source: Epic 16, "Dynamic Alata" **Note: Character was destroyed by Alata. *What?! **Who: Tomarezu of the Tsuchinoko **Source: Epic 17, "A New Enemy! The Yūmajū" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gosei Knight. *How dare you! Accursed sand! **Who: Zeibu of the Mummy **Source: Epic 18, "The Earth Purifying Knight of Destiny" **Note: Character was destroyed by Hyper Gosei Great. *Thank you... kindly... **Who: Giemurō of the Kappa **Source: Epic 19, "Gosei Knight Will Not Allow It" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gosei Ground. *Love... falls... like fireworks! **Who: Pesaranza of the Kesaran-Pasaran **Source: Epic 20, "Fall In Love Goseigers" **Note: Character was destroyed by Skick Gosei Great and Gosei Ground. *Cut it out! **Who: Waraikozō of the Gremlin **Source: Epic 21, "Elegant Eri" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gosei Great and Gosei Ground. *More light! **Who: Uobōzu of the Nessie **Source: Epic 22, "Over the Rainbow" **Note: Character was destroyed by Ground Gosei Great. *No! **Who: Deinbaruto of the Morning Star **Source: ''[[w:Tensou Sentai Goseiger: Epic on the Movie|Tensō Sentai Goseiger: Epic on the Movie]]'' **Note: Character was destroyed by Eri and Mōne. *It can't be! How can I... lose the likes of you?! **Who: Gyōten'ō of the Supernova **Source: ''[[w:Tensou Sentai Goseiger: Epic on the Movie|Tensō Sentai Goseiger: Epic on the Movie]]'' **Note: Character was destroyed by Wonder Gosei Great. *The last fireworks of my life! Finish! **Who: Zaigo of the Skyfish **Source: Epic 23, "Burn! Goseigers" **Note: Character was destroyed by Ground Gosei Great. *Hey now, hey now, hey, hey, hey! **Who: Semattarrei of the Brocken Spectre **Source: Epic 24, "The Miracle Attack Goseigers" **Note: Character was destroyed by Goseigers. *Fools! **Who: Sarawareteiru of the Fairy **Source: Epic 25, "Nostalgic Mōne" **Note: Character was destroyed by Ground Gosei Great. *This isn't funny! **Who: Hit of the Tengu **Source: Epic 26, "The Laughing Gosei Angels" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gosei Ground. *I'll destroy you all! **Who: Jogon of the Ningyo **Source: Epic 27, "Wake Up, Agri!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Landick Gosei Great and Gosei Ground. *I'm in a pretty bad mood! **Who: Pikarime of the Shakōkidogū **Source: Epic 28, "A Father's Treasure" **Note: Character was destroyed by Ground Gosei Great. *Adieu! **Who: Elmgaim of the Baku **Source: Epic 30, "Romantic Eri" **Note: Character was destroyed by Ground Gosei Great. *Ignorant fools! **Who: Makuin of the Blob **Source: Epic 32, "Perform the Ultimate Miracle!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Goseigers. *I'll be with you soon... Makuin! **Who: Kinggon of the Bigfoot **Source: Epic 32, "Perform the Ultimate Miracle!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gosei Ultimate. *Just give up already, and go back to your Guardian Realm or whatever it is! **Who: Zan-KT of the Shield **Source: Epic 33, "The Dreadful Matrintis Empire" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gosei Ultimate. *All glory to the Matrintis Empire! **Who: Zan-KT2 of the Shoot **Source: Epic 34, "Gosei Knight Justice" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gosei Ultimate and Gosei Ground. *His majesty Robogog! May he live a long life! **Who: Zuteru-S of the Mach **Source: Epic 35, "Find the Perfect Leader!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Ultimate Gosei Great. *What?! **Who: Bazaruso-LJ of the Scan **Source: Epic 36, "Run, Agri!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Ultimate Gosei Great. *To defy me is the same as defying Matrintis and defying his majesty Robogog! Laying Eggs! Go! Go! **Who: Adoborute-G of the Vital **Source: Epic 37, "Excited Mōne" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gosei Ultimate. *I will defeat you guys even if it costs my life! **Who: Bakutofūji-ER of the Timer **Source: Epic 40, "Strong Alata" **Note: Character was destroyed by Ground Gosei Great. *Eri... when I'm born again... I want to eat your musubi... and be a part of your team. Eri... thank you. **Who: Ain-I of the Neutral **Source: Epic 41, "Exploding Bonds of Friendship!" **Note: Character was self-destruct. *Death... for me?! **Who: Saroge-DT of Imitation **Source: Epic 42, "Passionate Hyde" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gosei Ultimate and Datas Hyper. *Don't be cocky, Goseigers! We are Zan-KT3 of the Short... **Who: Zan-KT3 of the Short **Source: Epic 43, "The Empire's All-Out Attack" **Note: Characters were destroyed by Goseigers. *Buredo-RUN! I knew it, you're... no! No! **Who: Robogog of the 10-sai **Source: Epic 44, "The Ultimate Final Battle" **Note: Character was destroyed by Brajira. *Buredo-RUN, we did it... we've escaped from the grip of fear... **Who: Metal Alice of the Agent **Source: Epic 44, "The Ultimate Final Battle" **Note: Character was destroyed by Brajira. *I refuse! **Who: Gosei Knight **Source: Epic 46, "Gosei Knight is Targeted" **Note: Character was turned into Dark Gosei Knight of the Groundion Headder by Brajira, but was bailed out by Alata. *I live and die for Master Brajira! **Who: Namono-Gatari of the Ortaurus Headder **Source: Epic 46, "Gosei Knight is Targeted" **Note: Character was destroyed by Landick Gosei Great. *No one will stand in Master Brajira's way! **Who: Bari-Boru-Dara of the Uniberus Headder **Source: Epic 47, "The Trap of the Earth Salvation Plan" **Note: Character was destroyed by Seaick Gosei Great. *I live and die for Master Brajira! **Who: Rō-O-Zā-Ri of the Hydrapan Headder **Source: Epic 48, "The Fighting Gosei Power" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gosei Ultimate. *What's this? **Who: Dark Gosei Knight of the Groundion Headder **Source: Epic 48, "The Fighting Gosei Power" **Note: Character was turned back into Gosei Knight by Alata. *I won't die for naught! Even if I can't save it... I will accomplish its destruction! The Earth can die with its Guardian Protectors! *Goseiger... Shinkengers... this is my end! This isn't over! *Again?! This grudge will be eternal! **Who: Brajira of the Messiah/Buredoran of the Comet/Buredoran of the Chupacabra/Buredoran of the Chimatsuri/Buredo-RUN of the Cyborg/Messiah Brajira of the Black Cross **Source: Epic 50, "Protecting the Planet is an Angel's Mission" **Note: Character was destroyed by Alata. During second last word in ''Tensō Sentai Goseiger vs. Shinkenger: Epic on Ginmaku'', character was destroyed by Ground Hyper Gosei Great. During third last word in ''Gokaiger Goseiger 199 Hero Great Battle'', character was destroyed by GokaiOh and Gosei Great. *Bii bi bi bi bi! **Who: King Bibi **Source: [[w:Tensou Sentai Goseiger Returns|Tensō Sentai Goseiger Returns: Last Epic - The Gosei Angels are National Idols?!]] **Note: Character was destroyed by Ground Gosei Great. === ''[[w:Kaizoku Sentai Gokaiger|Kaizoku Sentai Gokaiger]]'' === *That was quite the show, but I've grown tired of it. Farewell! **Who: Shikabanen **Source: Episode 1, "Space Pirates Appear" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gokaigers. *What!? **Who: Bongan **Source: Episode 2, "The Worth of This Planet" **Note: Character was destroyed by GokaiOh. *Ignorant fools! **Who: Salamandam **Source: Episode 3, "Changing Courage into Magic" **Note: Character was destroyed by Magi GokaiOh. *Zugormin! **Who: Zodomas **Source: Episode 4, "Blue Pirate Friend" **Note: Character was destroyed by Magi GokaiOh. *Take this! **Who: Triggerian Buramudo **Source: Episode 5, "Judgment Pirates" **Note: Character was destroyed by Deka GokaiOh. *I've gone flying away again! I've even made it into space... **Who: Nanonanoda **Source: Episode 6, "The Most Important Thing" **Note: Character was destroyed by Deka GokaiOh. *This is...!? **Who: Pachacamac 13 **Source: Episode 7, "Niki-Niki! Kenpō Lesson" **Note: Character was destroyed by GokaiOh. *Take care of the rest, little brother. **Who: Elder Sneak Brother **Source: Episode 8, "Little Spy Tactics" **Note: Character was destroyed by GokaiOh. *I'm beaten! **Who: Younger Sneak Brother **Source: Episode 8, "Little Spy Tactics" **Note: Character was destroyed by Deka GokaiOh. *Here I go! **Who: Bauza **Source: Episode 9, "The Lion, Runs" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gao GokaiOh. *You gotta know when to fold'em to play it, right!? **Who: Yokubarido **Source: Episode 10, "Card Game" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gao GokaiOh. *It... it can't be! **Who: Deratsueiger **Source: Episode 12, "The Guaranteed Showy Samurai" **Note: Character was destroyed by Shinken GokaiOh. *It's do or die now! Hand over the Puwazole! **Who: Zaggai **Source: Episode 13, "Tell Me the Way" **Note: Character was destroyed by Shinken GokaiOh. *What!? What's the meaning of this!? **Who: Arumadon **Source: Episode 17, "The Awesome Silver Pirate" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gai Ikari. *Don't underestimate me! **Who: Osogain **Source: Episode 18, "The Big Abare With the Dinosaur Robot Drill" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gōjyujin. *Gyo gyo. Gyo! **Who: Worian **Source: Episode 19, "Armor of the 15 Warriors" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gōjyujin. *You may think you have won, but it's too late! Look up at the sky! **Who: Stargul **Source: Episode 22, "A Promise on a Shooting Star" **Note: Character was destroyed by Shinken GokaiOh. *Publicity Punch! **Who: Senden **Source: Episode 24, "Foolish Earthlings" **Note: Character was destroyed by Shinken GokaiOh and Gōjyujin. *Who's there?! **Who: Sandaaru Jr. **Source: Episode 25, "Pirates and Ninjas" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gōjyujin. *The answer to the previous question...is "a razor"! **Who: Satarakura Jr. **Source: Episode 26, "Shushutto The Special" **Note: Character was destroyed by Hurricane GokaiOh. *I'm not going to lose to the spiky guy! **Who: Regaeru **Source: Episode 27, "Switched Gokai Pirates" **Note: Character was destroyed by Hurricane GokaiOh. *Come on. **Who: Bounty Hunter Kiaido **Source: Episode 28, "Wings are Eternal" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gokaigers. *Farewell! De arimasu. **Who: Dial **Source: Episode 29, "The Abare Quick-Changing New Combination" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gōjyu GokaiOh. *"Impossible... I was... **Who: Great Scientist Zaien **Source: Episode 30, "My Friend's Soul" **Note: Character was destroyed by Hurricane GokaiOh and Gōjyujin. *Looks like I really do need my shield! **Who: Shieldon **Source: Episode 32, "One Power" **Note: Character was destroyed by Hurricane GokaiOh. *I think I ate something that didn't agree with me... **Who: Zakyura **Source: Episode 33, "It's a Hero!!!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Hurricane GokaiOh. *Why!? **Who: Vannain **Source: Episode 34, "A Dream Come True" **Note: Character was destroyed by Hurricane GokaiOh. *I love the name of Gaiark! **Who: Barbaric Officer Chirakashizky **Source: Episode 35, "The Other Dimension" **Note: Character was destroyed by Hurricane GokaiOh. *It's best to leave office while there is hope de aru! I resign! **Who: Pollution President Babatcheed **Source: Episode 36, "Partner Pirate" **Note: Character was destroyed by Go-on GokaiOh. *What the...!? **Who: Special Duty Officer Barizorg **Source: Episode 38, "The Power to Seize Dreams" **Note: Character was killed by Joe. *Am I... am I going to die here...!? **Who: Commander Warz Gill **Source: Episode 38, "The Power to Seize Dreams" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kanzen GokaiOh. *Is this how I meet my end? Unbelievable! **Who: Shitari of the Bones **Source: Episode 40, "The Future Is In the Past" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gokaigers. *I'm not done yet! **Who: Zan-KT0 of the Shot **Source: Episode 40, "The Future Is In the Past" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gōjyujin. *My eye! **Who: Zatsurigu **Source: Episode 41, "Something I Don't Want to Lose" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kanzen GokaiOh. *Impossible... I can't believe this... I lost to those... mere pirates...!? **Who: Chief of Staff Damarasu **Source: Episode 43, "The Legendary Hero" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kanzen GokaiOh. *All at once!? I really, really hate Christmas! Twinkle! **Who: Bibaboo **Source: Episode 44, "A Lovely Christmas Eve" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kanzen GokaiOh. *Another straw dummy? **Who: Juju **Source: Episode 46, "Hero Eligibility" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kanzen GokaiOh. *I get it. That's the way how it should be. **Who: Basco ta Jolokia **Source: Episode 48, "The Fated Showdown" **Note: Character was killed by Marvelous. *It can't be... not in a place like this... no... Lord Ackdos Gill! **Who: Development Technical Officer Insarn **Source: Episode 49, "The Greatest Treasure in the Universe" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gokaigers. *It can't be! It must be a joke choi! **Who: Dyrandoh **Source: Episode 51, "Farewell Space Pirates" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gokaigers. *Space pirate fools! **Who: Emperor Ackdos Gill **Source: Episode 51, "Farewell Space Pirates" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gokaigers. === ''[[w:Tokumei Sentai Go-Busters|Tokumei Sentai Go-Busters]]'' === *Good! Take it right from the source! **Who: Shovelloid **Source: Mission 1, "Special Ops Sentai, Assemble!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Ryūji and Yōko. *Let go! **Who: Burnerloid **Source: Mission 2, "A Promise Made 13 Years Ago" **Note: Character was destroyed by Hiromu. *It can't be! How dare a patient defy a doctor! **Who: Needloid **Source: Mission 3, "GT-02 Animal, Deploy!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Hiromu and Yōko. *Cut... **Who: Cutterloid **Source: Mission 4, "Special Ops and Determination" **Note: Character was destroyed by Ryūji and Yōko. *Loop... **Who: Tireloid **Source: Mission 5, "Dangerous Overheated Rampage!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Ryūji. *With you. **Who: Sprayloid **Source: Mission 6, "Combine! Go-Buster Oh" **Note: Character was destroyed by Ryūji and Yōko. *Please don't roughhouse on the train... **Who: Denshaloid **Source: Mission 7, "Bad Maintenance on the Ace?!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Go-Busters. *I can't pull it out... **Who: Drilloid **Source: Mission 8, "Protect the Machine Blueprints!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Ryūji. *Well done! **Who: Danganloid **Source: Mission 10, "The Reason We Fight" **Note: Character was destroyed by Hiromu. *I am becoming one with the wind! **Who: Fanloid **Source: Mission 11, "The Targeted Weakpoint" **Note: Character was destroyed by Ryūji. *Copy failure sha! **Who: Copyloid **Source: Mission 12, "You Like Going Undercover?" **Note: Character was destroyed by Ryūji and Yōko. *Listen to... my fanfare... **Who: Tubaloid **Source: Mission 13, "A Surprising Day Off" **Note: Character was destroyed by Go-Busters. *This is a requiem for myself... **Who: Tubaloid 2 **Source: Mission 14, "Ça va? Rescue Strategy" **Note: Character was destroyed by Go-Busters. *You're just damn bugs! **Who: Soujikiloid **Source: Mission 15, "The Golden Warrior and the Silvery Buddy" **Note: Character was destroyed by Masato and J. *Suction! **Who: Parabolaloid **Source: Mission 16, "The Man Who Came From Subspace" **Note: Character was destroyed by Ryūji and Yōko. *Don't look away! **Who: Forkloid **Source: Mission 17, "Its Name Is Go-Buster Beet!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Masato and J. *I... I... am just an ordinary drill! **Who: Drilloid 2 **Source: Mission 18, "Cooperative Operations 3,000 Meters In the Earth" **Note: Character was destroyed by Yōko and J. *Today I will come apart right here! **Who: Spannerloid **Source: Mission 19, "My Combination! Buster Hercules" **Note: Character was destroyed by Hiromu and Masato. *The end! **Who: Filmloid **Source: Mission 20, "Five-Part Concentration! Great Go-Buster!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Hiromu. *Your fighting spirit gave you victory! **Who: Dumbbelloid **Source: Mission 21, "Farewell, Blue Buster" **Note: Character was destroyed by Ryūji. *It'd be good... if I ended! **Who: Keyloid **Source: Mission 22, "The Beautiful Avatar: Escape" **Note: Character was destroyed by Ryūji, Masato, and J. *Life is not sweet! **Who: Wataameloid **Source: Mission 24, "A très bien Summer Festival" **Note: Character was destroyed by Ryūji and Yōko. *It's out! **Who: Rousokuloid **Source: Mission 25, "Pursue the Mystery of the Avatars!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Yōko, Masato, and J. *I should have hid myself better. **Who: Mushikagoloid **Source: Mission 27, "An Out of Control Combo to Escape the Labyrinth!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Hiromu. *The finisher! Die! **Who: Danganloid 2 **Source: Mission 31, "Space Sheriff Gavan Arrives!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Hiromu and Geki. *Fool! **Who: Rhino Doubler **Source: Mission 32, "Friendship Tag With Gavan!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Great Go-Buster. *You bastards! **Who: Sunadokeiloid **Source: Mission 33, "Morphin! Powered Custom" **Note: Character was destroyed by Hiromu. *Ignorant fools! I'll never forgive you guys! **Who: Puppetloid **Source: Mission 34, "The Enemy Is Beet Buster?!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Hiromu and Masato. *Pathetic! If you're this weak, then die! **Who: Bulldozerloid **Source: Mission 36, "Go-Buster Lioh, Kaching!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Hiromu. *Hey! What are you doing?! **Who: Tiaraloid **Source: Mission 37, "The Black and White Brides" **Note: Character was destroyed by Ryūji. *Looks like I am beaten! There's the gong! The match is over! **Who: Domeloid **Source: Mission 38, "Live! Ace Deathmatch" **Note: Character was destroyed by Go-Buster King. *I'm sorry for being defeated! **Who: Parabolaloid 2 **Source: Mission 40, "Covering Jay and the Messiahloid" **Note: Character was destroyed by Hiromu, Masato, and J. *Well done, gentlemen. Farewell! **Who: Loupeloid **Source: Mission 41, "The Thief Pink Buster!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Hiromu. *What?! **Who: Denshaloid 2 **Source: Mission 42, "Attack! Within the Megazord" **Note: Character was destroyed by Yōko. *I... I will... I will rule! **Who: Messiah/Messiah Cell/Messiah Reboot **Source: Mission 44, "Christmas Eve: Time to Complete the Mission" **Note: Character was destroyed by Go-Busters. *Fine! I'll just crush you! **Who: Kuwagataloid **Source: Mission 47, "Reset and Back-Up" **Note: Character was destroyed by Hiromu and Masato. *Papa, I became pretty good, right? **Who: Escape/Escape Evolve/Escape Zeta **Source: Mission 48, "Setting the Trap" **Note: Character was killed by Ryūji. *C'est la vie, adieu, Go-Busters. **Who: Enter/Enter Unite/Dark Buster **Source: Mission 50, "Eternal Bonds" **Note: Character was destroyed by Go-Busters. *Live! **Who: Yōsuke Sakurada **Source: Mission 50, "Eternal Bonds" **Note: Character disappears into data. *J! Nick, Gorisaki, Usada! To the hangar... hurry... **Who: Masato Jin/Beet Buster **Source: Mission 50, "Eternal Bonds" **Note: Character disappears into data. === ''[[w:Doubutsu Sentai Zyuohger|Dōbutsu Sentai Zyuohger]]'' === *Lord Ginis! *I'll remember this! **Who: Jagged **Source: Episode 1, "The Exciting Animal Land" **Note: Character was destroyed by ZyuohKing. During second last word, character was destroyed by Misao. *Game over! **Who: Halbergoi **Source: Episode 2, "Don't Underestimate This Planet" **Note: Character was destroyed by ZyuohKing. *I'm not the prey de guns! **Who: Bowguns **Source: Episode 3, "I Want to Go Home but We Can't Go Home" **Note: Character was destroyed by ZyuohKing. *I only... wanted to watch battles... **Who: Amigard **Source: Episode 4, "Roar in the Ring" **Note: Character was destroyed by ZyuohKing. *But there's more things I want to eat! **Who: Gaburio **Source: Episode 6, "A Wild Present" **Note: Character was destroyed by ZyuohWild. *I hope my funeral is grand! Check it! **Who: Yabiker **Source: Episode 8, "Savanna's Melody" **Note: Character was destroyed by ZyuohKing and ZyuohWild. *No! This isn't beautiful! **Who: Hanayaida **Source: Episode 9, "The Endless Day" **Note: Character was destroyed by ZyuohWild. *Hattena?! **Who: Hattena **Source: Episode 12, "The Short-Nosed Elephant" **Note: Character was destroyed by Wild ZyuohKing. *Beware of bears! **Who: Noborizon **Source: Episode 13, "The Summit Witness" **Note: Character was destroyed by Wild ZyuohKing. *I won't lie anymore! **Who: Dorobozu **Source: Episode 14, "The Foolish Lying Thief" **Note: Character was destroyed by Wild ZyuohKing. *If only I had bullets! This is im-bullet-able! **Who: Hantajii **Source: Episode 15, "The Terrifying Sniper" **Note: Character was destroyed by Wild ZyuohKing. *Naria! **Who: Mantle **Source: Episode 16, "Find Zyumans" **Note: Character was destroyed by Wild ZyuohKing. *I survived only to regrettably die here! **Who: Trumpas **Source: Episode 18, "Etched Terror" **Note: Character was destroyed by Wild ZyuohKing. *He really had me by the ball! Pin! **Who: Bowlingen **Source: Episode 20, "Champion of the World" **Note: Character was destroyed by Tousai Zyuoh. *Thank you for your hard work! **Who: Prisonable **Source: Episode 21, "Prison Break" **Note: Character was destroyed by Tousai Zyuoh. *Time's up on this illusion of a revival! **Who: Illusion **Source: Episode 22, "Awakening? Is It Wrong?" **Note: Character was destroyed by Wild Tousai King. *Regrettable! Cruiser scatters across the vast seas! **Who: Cruiser **Source: Episode 23, "Megabeast Hunter" **Note: Character was destroyed by Wild Tousai King. *My dream! **Who: Domidoll **Source: [[w:Doubutsu Sentai Zyuohger the Movie: The Exciting Circus Panic!|Dōbutsu Sentai Zyuohger the Movie: The Exciting Circus Panic!]] **Note: Character was destroyed by Wild Tousai King. *Unhappy! **Who: Jashinger **Source: Episode 24, "Unhappy Camera" **Note: Character was destroyed by Wild Tousai King. *What?! **Who: Omoteuria **Source: Episode 32, "The Dark Side of the Heart" **Note: Character was destroyed by Wild Tousai King and DodekaiOh. *No way! What a humiliation to be thrown around like this! **Who: Sumotron **Source: Episode 33, "Nekodamashi and Gratitude" **Note: Character was destroyed by Wild Tousai King and DodekaiOh. *My prey...! My dream! **Who: Bangray **Source: Episode 35, "The Last Day of the Zyuohgers" **Note: Character was destroyed by Wild Tousai Dodeka King. *What's this?! Amazing! Amazing! Amazing! Amazing! I'm burned out... **Who: Sambaba **Source: Episode 36, "The Prince of Halloween" **Note: Character was destroyed by Wild Tousai Dodeka King. *A groove like never before is running through me now, yo! **Who: Saguil Brothers **Source: Episode 38, "High in the Sky, Flying Wings" **Note: Character was destroyed by Wild Tousai Dodeka King. *Super Sentai... how fearsome! **Who: Gillmarda **Source: [[w:Doubutsu Sentai Zyuohger vs. Ninninger the Movie: Super Sentai's Message from the Future|Dōbutsu Sentai Zyuohger vs. Ninninger the Movie: Super Sentai's Message from the Future]] **Note: Character was destroyed by Wild Tousai Dodeka King and Gekiatsu DaiOh. *It's just like a treasure chest of animals! **Who: Chefdon **Source: Episode 39, "Calories and a Necklace" **Note: Character was destroyed by Wild Tousai Dodeka King. *Are you an octopus or a lion?! **Who: Killmench **Source: Episode 40, "Men's Aesthetics" **Note: Character was destroyed by ZyuohKing Octopus. *Lord Ginis...! *Beaten not once, but twice... **Who: Quval **Source: Episode 42, "The Fate of This Planet" **Note: Character was destroyed by Wild Tousai Dodeka King. During second last word, character was destroyed by Tusk. *I'm so disappointed in myself! **Who: Gakkarize **Source: Episode 43, "The Christmas Witness" **Note: Character was destroyed by Wild Tousai Dodeka King. *Ginis! *I'm so happy to fight you again, Zyuohgers! **Who: Azald/Azald Legacy **Source: Episode 46, "The Immortal God of Destruction" **Note: Character was destroyed by Wild Tousai Dodeka King. During second last word, character was destroyed by Sela and Leo. *I simply... wanted to... *Lord Ginis... I... **Who: Naria **Source: Episode 48, "Earth Is Our Home" **Note: Character was killed by Ginis. During second last word, character was destroyed by Amu. *Impossible! I can't be... **Who: Ginis/Shin Ginis **Source: Episode 48, "Earth Is Our Home" **Note: Character was destroyed by Wild Tousai Dodeka King. *This is the end! **Who: Pocane Daniro **Source: [[w:Doubutsu Sentai Zyuohger|Dōbutsu Sentai Zyuohger Returns: Give Me Your Life! Earth Champion Tournament ]] **Note: Character was destroyed by Wild Tousai King. === ''[[w:Uchu Sentai Kyuranger|Uchū Sentai Kyuranger]]'' === *Gappogappo! **Who: Gamettsui **Source: Space 2, "Let's Go! The BN Thieves" **Note: Character was destroyed by KyurenOh. *Stinger... you traitor... **Who: Moretsuyoindave **Source: Space 3, "The Man from the Desert Planet" **Note: Character was destroyed by Stinger. *Thanks for the meal! All full! **Who: Yumepakkun **Source: Space 5, "The Nine Ultimate Saviors" **Note: Character was destroyed by KyurenOh. *Long life Jark Matter! Glory to Lord Don Armage! **Who: Eridron **Source: Space 5, "The Nine Ultimate Saviors" **Note: Character was destroyed by KyurenOh. *Teamwork is hard...! **Who: Denvil **Source: Space 6, "Flap! Dancing Star!" **Note: Character was destroyed by KyurenOh. *From birthday to death day! **Who: Toome **Source: Space 7, "Take Back the Birthday!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Balance and Naga. *I, Daikaan Lord Mamoritsuyoindaver will protect the Moraimars. **Who: Mamoritsuyoindaver **Source: Space 8, "The Secret of Commander Shō Ronpō" **Note: Character was destroyed by KyurenOh. *Long live Jark Matter! **Who: Megatsuyoindaver **Source: Space 8, "The Secret of Commander Shō Ronpō" **Note: Character was destroyed by KyurenOh. *I wanted to try that food too! **Who: Meshiubaindaver **Source: Space 8, "The Secret of Commander Shō Ronpō" **Note: Character was destroyed by Lucky, Spada, and Hammie. *We are Daikaans, Metchatsuyoindaver! **Who: Metchatsuyoindaver **Source: Space 9, "Burn, Dragon Ma-Star" **Note: Character was destroyed by Shō Ronpō. *Mutchatsuyoindaver! **Who: Mutchatsuyoindaver **Source: Space 9, "Burn, Dragon Ma-Star" **Note: Character was destroyed by Shō Ronpō. *I was so close! **Who: Mozuma **Source: Space 10, "The Small Giant, Big Star!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Lucky and Kotarō. *So this is my fate?! **Who: Ikargen **Source: Space 12, "The Eleven Ultimate All-Stars" **Note: Character was destroyed by RyuTei KyurenOh. *Mondomuyo... **Who: Mondomuyoindaver **Source: Space 13, "Stinger, a Challenge to the Brother" **Note: Character was destroyed by RyuTei KyurenOh. *Heartbreak jaan! **Who: Yuterujan **Source: Space 14, "Dancing! Space Dragon Palace Castle!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Lucky, Garu, and Spada. *I lost to the ultimate savior nessie! **Who: Goneshi **Source: Space 15, "The Savior of Water Planet Vela" **Note: Character was destroyed by KyurenOh. *Don't be stupid. And don't say your brother's all you have. You've got... me, don't you...? Partner... I'm counting on you... to avenge me... you can thank me later... **Who: Champ/Gōshi Black **Source: Space 16, "Stinger, Reunion With the Brother" **Note: Character was killed by Scorpio, but was later revived. *I forgot I can hide in shadows! Shainara! **Who: Shaidos **Source: Space 17, "Lighting the Dome of Darkness!" **Note: Character was destroyed by RyuTeiOh. *Omega! **Who: Omega **Source: Space 19, "The Elf of Forest Planet Keel" **Note: Character was destroyed by KyurenOh. *I'm glad I could protect you one last time. **Who: Scorpio **Source: Space 21, "Goodbye, Scorpio! Time for Argo's Revival!" **Note: Character was killed by Don Armage. *History has turned into a legend! **Who: Manavil **Source: Space 22, "The Legendary Savior's True Character" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gigant Hōō. *Take this! **Who: Kaal Indaver **Source: [[w:Uchu Sentai Kyuranger|Uchū Sentai Kyuranger the Movie: Geth Indaver Strikes Back ]] **Note: Character was destroyed by Champ, Spada, and Hammie. *The final power! **Who: Ommo Indaver **Source: [[w:Uchu Sentai Kyuranger|Uchū Sentai Kyuranger the Movie: Geth Indaver Strikes Back ]] **Note: Character was destroyed by Gigant Hōō. *You still call me by that name? What a naive man... **Who: Hoi Korol/Geth Indaver **Source: [[w:Uchu Sentai Kyuranger|Uchū Sentai Kyuranger the Movie: Geth Indaver Strikes Back ]] **Note: Character was destroyed by Shō Ronpō. *For a man of TV, dying on the job is his greatest wish. **Who: Media Tsuyoindaver **Source: Space 23, "Become My Shield!" **Note: Character was destroyed by KyurenOh and RyuTeiOh. *How cruel! **Who: Gyabura **Source: Space 24, "I Will Become a Fighting Shield!" **Note: Character was destroyed by KyuTamaJin. *May Jark Matter reign eternally! **Who: Tecchu **Source: Space 25, "Planet Toki! The Boy's Determination" **Note: Character was destroyed by KyuTamaJin. *I haven't lost yet. Feel the power of anger born from hatred! Goodbye! **Who: Micro Tsuyoindaver **Source: Space 31, "The Great Naga Recovery Strategy!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Balance and Naga. *Lord Kukulga, I'm sorry! Kukulga! **Who: Dogyun **Source: Space 32, "Orion, Forever" **Note: Character was destroyed by KyuTamaJin. *Let me show you my power! Here it comes! Here it comes! **Who: Magera **Source: Space 33, "Launch! Battle Orion Ship!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Orion Battler. *My portrait is obviously better! There is too much disorder! Outrageous! **Who: Seitokaichoindaver **Source: [[w:Uchu Sentai Kyuranger|From Episode of Stinger: Uchū Sentai Kyuranger: High School Wars 2nd Period: Arts]] **Note: Character was destroyed by Naga. *You're finished! **Who: Kyotoindaver **Source: [[w:Uchu Sentai Kyuranger|From Episode of Stinger: Uchū Sentai Kyuranger: High School Wars 3rd Period: Science]] **Note: Character was destroyed by Kotarō. *You made a mess of my school! **Who: Kochoindaver **Source: [[w:Uchu Sentai Kyuranger|Uchū Sentai Kyuranger: Episode of Stinger]] **Note: Character was destroyed by KyurenOh. *If only... I had... met you sooner. **Who: Mika Retsu **Source: [[w:Uchu Sentai Kyuranger|Uchū Sentai Kyuranger: Episode of Stinger]] **Note: Character was killed by Thunderbird. *What?! I've obtained the power of a Karo! How?! **Who: Thunderbird **Source: [[w:Uchu Sentai Kyuranger|Uchū Sentai Kyuranger: Episode of Stinger]] **Note: Character was destroyed by Stinger. *It looks like I really unleashed your emotions, doesn't it make you happy? **Who: Akyanba **Source: Space 35, "The Secret of the Universe's No.1 Idol" **Note: Character was destroyed by Naga. *I rode it, so I have no regrets! **Who: Unjet **Source: Space 36, "The Sleeping Legend in Lucky's Homeland" **Note: Character was destroyed by Super KyurenOh. *Feel my might! **Who: Jumottsu **Source: Space 37, "Lucky, Reunion With the Father" **Note: Character was destroyed by Gigant Houou. *Damn you! Long live Jark Matter! **Who: Kukulga **Source: Space 37, "Lucky, Reunion With the Father" **Note: Character was destroyed by Super KyurenOh. *Ow ow ow. **Who: Deathgon **Source: Space 38, "Holy Moly! The Nine Crises!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Super KyurenOh. *I guess I'm finally retiring... Jark Matter... will never die! Sir! **Who: Gloven **Source: Space 40, "Opening! Deathball of Hell" **Note: Character was destroyed by KyuTamaJin and Orion Battler. *Give me another chance to defeat the Kyurangers! **Who: Southern King **Source: Space 41, "Rushing! Planet Southern Cross" **Note: Character was destroyed by Lucky. *Jark Matter forever! **Who: Akyachuga **Source: Space 42, "The Father? The Universe? Lucky's Resolution" **Note: Character was destroyed by KyurenOh, RyuTeiOh, and Gigant Hōō. *But I can't revive this time, you jelly brains! **Who: Mardakko/Mecha Mardakko **Source: Space 43, ""Alright, Lucky" Sworn on the Holy Night" **Note: Character was destroyed by Super KyurenOh. *Alright... lucky. **Who: Aslan/Don Aslan **Source: Space 43, ""Alright, Lucky" Sworn on the Holy Night" **Note: Character sacrifices himself by using the Black Hole Kyutama to prevent Jark Matter's Planedium Bomb from destroying the universe. *If you hit me hard like that, I really will become stupid. **Who: Doctor Anton/Anton Brain/Anton Zero **Source: Space 45, "Tsurugi's Life and Earth's Crisis" **Note: Character was destroyed by KyurenOh and Orion Battler. *Shut up! The galaxy... the galaxy belongs to me!!! **Who: Cuervo/Don Cuervo **Source: Space 46, "Between Hope and Despair" **Note: Character was destroyed by Tsurugi. *Impossible...! It can't be...! **Who: Don Armage **Source: Space 48, "Echo Throughout the Universe! Alright, Lucky" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kyurangers. === ''[[w:Kaitou Sentai Lupinranger VS Keisatsu Sentai Patranger|Kaitō Sentai Lupinranger VS Keisatsu Sentai Patranger]]'' === *You beset on my gamble?! **Who: Ruretta Gerō **Source: Number 1, "The Troublemaking Phantom Thieves" **Note: Character was destroyed by Lupinrangers. *I was gonna be the next boss! **Who: Garatt Nargo **Source: Number 2, "Global Police, Chase After Them" **Note: Character was destroyed by Lupin Kaiser. *I really screwed up! **Who: Namero Bacho **Source: Number 3, "We Will Take Them Back No Matter What" **Note: Character was destroyed by Pat Kaiser. *Loose lips actually sink ships?! **Who: Rabroom Jaws **Source: Number 4, "An Unacceptable Relationship" **Note: Character was destroyed by Lupin Kaiser. *Destra! Save me again! **Who: Bundorute Peggy **Source: Number 6, "What to Protect" **Note: Character was destroyed by Lupin Kaiser Cylone. *I wish I could've gotten dessert! **Who: Merg Arita **Source: Number 7, "Always Being Saved" **Note: Character was destroyed by Pat Kaiser Biker. *They really did beat all of us! **Who: Brez Arenishka **Source: Number 10, "It Is Not Over Yet" **Note: Character was destroyed by Lupin Kaiser Knight. *Time to hope for a last second comeback! I'll see you all for the sequel! Farewell! Farewell! And farewell! **Who: Pitch Cock **Source: Number 11, "The Filming Must Go On" **Note: Character was destroyed by Lupin Kaiser Hammer Knight. *Now I'm exploding! **Who: Jenko Copamino **Source: Number 12, "The Magic Bracelet" **Note: Character was destroyed by Pat Kaiser Biker. *But I'm still only 16x10! **Who: Naiyo Kapaja **Source: Number 13, "The Best and Worst Day Off" **Note: Character was destroyed by Lupin Kaiser Knight. *What's that?! How harsh! **Who: Nanpario Penguino **Source: [[w:Kaitou Sentai Lupinranger VS Keisatsu Sentai Patranger|Kaitō Sentai Lupinranger VS Keisatsu Sentai Patranger: Girlfriends Army]] **Note: Character was destroyed by Umika and Tsukasa. *Brother! **Who: Odordo Maximoff **Source: Number 14, "The Set Trap" **Note: Character was destroyed by Keiichirō. *Damn! **Who: Togeno Aves **Source: Number 15, "A Police Officer's Duty" **Note: Character was destroyed by Pat Kaiser Strong. *I've... yeah'd my last! **Who: Manta Bayarsh **Source: Number 16, "Because We Are Comrades" **Note: Character was destroyed by Lupin Kaiser Cyclone Knight. *What a nightmare! **Who: Nero Kilner **Source: Number 17, "Secret Feelings" **Note: Character was destroyed by Pat Kaiser Strong. *What?! **Who: Anidara Maximoff **Source: Number 18, "The Secret of the Collection" **Note: Character was destroyed by Lupin Kaiser Cyclone Knight. *This pickled octopus... would've tasted better with vinegar and ginger! **Who: Sudaru Urukyū **Source: Number 19, "Compensation for Disobeying Orders" **Note: Character was destroyed by Pat Kaiser Strong Biker. *I guess I'm done monkeying around! Ook! **Who: Zaruden Hō **Source: Number 20, "The New Phantom Thief Is a Police Officer" **Note: Character was destroyed by Lupin Kaiser Trains and Noël. *They're at it again... and I don't think I can brush this one off! **Who: Gabatt Kababacci **Source: Number 21, "Friend or Foe? On Board or Not?" **Note: Character was destroyed by Pat Kaiser Trains. *Never put too many fish into one bowl! **Who: Demeran Yatmis **Source: Number 22, "Love Is an Indispensable Part of Life" **Note: Character was destroyed by X Emperor Slash. *Laimon! **Who: Ushibarock the Blow **Source: Number 23, "Status Gold" **Note: Character was destroyed by X Emperor Slash. *My green paradise! **Who: Guiwi Newzie **Source: Number 24, "A Promise to Return Alive" **Note: Character was destroyed by Pat Kaiser and X Emperor Slash. *Impossible! How could the great Laimon be defeated?! **Who: Laimon Gaorfangue **Source: Number 25, "I Will Make You Stronger Than Ever" **Note: Character was destroyed by Good Cool Kaiser VSX. *The hammer has fallen! Sold! **Who: Gristo Lloyd **Source: Number 26, "The Underground Auction" **Note: Character was destroyed by Lupin Kaiser Cyclone Knight and X Emperor Slash. *Ignorant fool! **Who: Herlock Sholmès **Source: [[w:Kaitou Sentai Lupinranger VS Keisatsu Sentai Patranger|Kaitō Sentai Lupinranger VS Keisatsu Sentai Patranger - en Film]] **Note: Character was destroyed by Pat Kaiser. *What? **Who: Wilson **Source: [[w:Kaitou Sentai Lupinranger VS Keisatsu Sentai Patranger|Kaitō Sentai Lupinranger VS Keisatsu Sentai Patranger - en Film]] **Note: Character was destroyed by Lupin Rex. *I... I won't lose to the police! **Who: Zonic Lee **Source: [[w:Kaitou Sentai Lupinranger VS Keisatsu Sentai Patranger|Keisatsu Sentai Patranger Feat. Kaitō Sentai Lupinranger: Another Patren 2gō]] **Note: Character was destroyed by Patrangers. *Can can, twist, double front kick! **Who: Pyodor **Source: Number 27, "Yes-Man Dancing" **Note: Character was destroyed by Pat Kaiser Strong Biker. *This is the castle I love! **Who: Ryūgu Tamatebacco **Source: Number 28, "More Fighting on My Birthday" **Note: Character was destroyed by Lupin Kaiser Magic. *Feels so good, pu! **Who: Kunks Butylmercaptan **Source: Number 30, "The Two Are on a Date" **Note: Character was destroyed by Lupin Kaiser Splash Magic. *Damn humans! I'll kill you all! **Who: Yoshi Urazer **Source: Number 31, "The Gangler Who Surrendered" **Note: Character was destroyed by Tsukasa. *I hate adults! **Who: Envy Chiruda **Source: Number 33, "We Are the Young Phantom Thieves" **Note: Character was destroyed by Pat Kaiser Strong Biker and X Emperor Gunner. *This is the distant howling of a beaten dog! **Who: Kerbero Gangan **Source: Number 34, "The Legendary Gun" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kairi. *I'm really an indoor type! **Who: Doryūn Sanbu **Source: Number 35, "The Good, the Bad, and the Normal" **Note: Character was destroyed by Lupin Kaiser. *What?! What are you trying to do?! **Who: Pecker Zeppelin **Source: Number 36, "Shoot the Bomb" **Note: Character was destroyed by Lupin Magnum. *I'll never return home again! **Who: Yadogar Gōhome **Source: Number 37, "Your Place to Return" **Note: Character was destroyed by Good Cool Kaiser VSX. *Bye! **Who: Janake Saucer **Source: Number 38, "The Collection Piece from Outer Space" **Note: Character was destroyed by Siren Lupin Kaiser. *I want to be reincarnated as a senbei! **Who: Iselob Starfryed **Source: Number 39, "Bet on This" **Note: Character was destroyed by Victory Lupin Kaiser. *But I answered the quiz correctly! **Who: Dugōn Manattee **Source: Number 40, "I Can't Stop Worrying" **Note: Character was destroyed by Victory Lupin Kaiser. *Boss Dogranio! My... deepest... apologi- **Who: Destra Maggio **Source: Number 42, "Time for Battle" **Note: Character was destroyed by Good Cool Kaiser VSX. *You've committed a sin by stealing, you know! **Who: Rirus Lipig **Source: [[w:Lupinranger VS Patranger VS Kyuranger|Lupinranger VS Patranger VS Kyuranger]] **Note: Character was destroyed by Lupinrangers and Kyurangers. *Impossible. **Who: Don Arkage **Source: [[w:Lupinranger VS Patranger VS Kyuranger|Lupinranger VS Patranger VS Kyuranger]] **Note: Character was destroyed by Good Cool Kaiser VSX. *I want to be reincarnated as a frilled lizard! **Who: Tokagale Nakushark **Source: Number 43, "The Man Who Came Back" **Note: Character was destroyed by Irregular Victory Lupin Kaiser. *I shouldn't have impersonated a cop! **Who: Narizma Shibonz **Source: Number 44, "The Truth Found" **Note: Character was destroyed by Siren Pat Kaiser and X Emperor Gunner. *Salmon only swim in one direction! **Who: Samōn Shakekistantine **Source: Number 45, "Looking Forward to Christmas" **Note: Character was destroyed by Victory Lupin Kaiser, X Emperor Gunner, and Lupin Magnum Superior. *In the end, I was just a cheerful MC! **Who: Red Modified Podaman **Source: Number 46, "An Inescapable Game" **Note: Character was destroyed by Noël. *This is... my final experiment! **Who: Gauche Le Mede **Source: Number 48, "The Face Behind the Mask" **Note: Character destroys herself by ripping her safe off and attached it to the black Experimental Body. *That was fun... adios. **Who: Zamigo Delma **Source: Number 50, "Forever Adieu" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kairi. *Let me out! Or just kill me! If I have live powerless in this decrepit body... I'd rather die! **Who: Dogranio Yarbun **Source: Number 51, "I Am Sure I Will See You Again" **Note: Character was imprisoned by the Patrangers. === ''[[w:Mashin Sentai Kiramager|Mashin Sentai Kiramager]]'' === *That's cheating! **Who: Rugby Jamen **Source: Episode 2, "Leader Certification" **Note: Character was destroyed by Sena. *Twisted in the end! **Who: Manriki Jamen **Source: Episode 3, "The Vice Guy! No Advice Needed" **Note: Character was destroyed by Shiguru. *Game Over! **Who: Joystick Jamen **Source: Episode 5, "Shovellow Coming Through!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Jūru. *My Cloud Hildon! Aaaaaaah! The decisive moment! **Who: Digital Camera Jamen **Source: Episode 6, "My Friend Turned Five" **Note: Character was destroyed by Cloud Hildon. *Curse you... Galza! **Who: Freezer Jamen **Source: Episode 7, "Training for You" **Note: Character was destroyed by Galza. *Cold Hot Dagames... avenge me! **Who: Oven Jamen **Source: Episode 8, "The Lightning Speed Express" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kiramagers. *And so the mask... is made to bid farewell! **Who: Hyakunin Isshu Jamen **Source: Episode 9, "The Karuta Path of My Youth" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kiramagers. *Don't think you've won just yet! I'll just offer the Jamen Beast my dark energy in the end! **Who: Music Jamen **Source: Episode 10, "The Girl Who Chases After Shiguru" **Note: Character was destroyed by Shiguru. *I knew it! **Who: Reset Button Jamen **Source: Episode 11, "Time Has Been Looped" **Note: Character was destroyed by Galza. *What the? **Who: Inseki Jamen **Source: Episode 12, "The Nice Guy With the Wonder Drill" **Note: Character was destroyed by Takamichi. *Is my era over? **Who: SL Jamen **Source: Episode 14, "The Solitary Ace" **Note: Character was destroyed by Diesel Basura. *I want to apologize if I said anything that offended anybody. **Who: Marshmallow Jamen **Source: Episode 16, "Marshmallow Royale" **Note: Character was destroyed by Takamichi. *Seriously?! I've been beat! **Who: Mogura Tataki Jamen **Source: Episode 17, "The Mansion's Rare Stone" **Note: Character was destroyed by Tametomo. *When moving... always pay close attention... to the terms of your loan! **Who: Sumikae Jamen **Source: Episode 19, "Partners" **Note: Character was destroyed by Takamichi. *And this hammer is my fated partner?! **Who: Setchakuzai Jamen **Source: Episode 20, "A Dangerous Pair" **Note: Character was destroyed by Tametomo and Takamichi. *Impossible! How dare you?! **Who: Tsurizao Jamen **Source: Episode 21, "Fishing, Sometimes a Master" **Note: Character was destroyed by Takamichi. *I never took Crystalia to have such strong fighters... but this is just the beginning of a tragedy. In exchange for my life, I give you a curse for you to suffer for the rest of your days! The curse won't be your downfall... but it will bring down the woman you love the most! When the Yodon crest becomes visible in her right eye, she will turn to dust and perish in seven days! And you will get a taste of eternal suffering! **Who: Witch of the Stagnant Sea Numajo **Source: Episode 22, "Are You Ready? Hey You Witch!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Oradin. *You blew a hole through my net worth! **Who: Kinko Jamen **Source: Episode 23, "Mabushina's Mother" **Note: Character was destroyed by Jūru. *I will combine with the kaijū! I'll show you how determined I am! **Who: Nightmare Maestro Minjo/Remudon **Source: [[w:Mashin Sentai Kiramager|Mashin Sentai Kiramager the Movie: Be-Bop Dream]] **Note: Character was destroyed by Kiramaizin, Gigant Driller, and King Express Zabyun. *I'll leave the encore for the Jamen Beast! **Who: Speaker Jamen **Source: Episode 24, "Let's Start a Band!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Takemichi. *No way! **Who: Bomb Jamen **Source: Episode 26, "Make It an Arrow Weapon" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kiramagers. *No heaven! **Who: Kyoryoku Setchakuzai Jamen **Source: Episode 27, "Runner in a Big Pinch" **Note: Character was destroyed by Jūru. *Is being beautiful a crime?! **Who: Mannequin Jamen **Source: Episode 30, "The Proud Super Warrior" **Note: Character was destroyed by Shiguru. *Riddle me this! A period of economic prosperity, and my last words... what do they have in common? Correct! Boom! **Who: Nazokake Jamen **Source: Episode 32, "There's Something About Sayo" **Note: Character was destroyed by Jūru. *He did it?! Nice Eagle. **Who: Golf Jamen **Source: Episode 35, "A Wandering Mabushina" **Note: Character was destroyed by Jūru. *The best defense against cavities is regular brushing! **Who: Mushiba Jamen **Source: Episode 38, "Under Uncle's Moon" **Note: Character was destroyed by Shiguru. *It can't be... my bullet! **Who: Shadon **Source: Episode 39, "The Emperor Is a Sniper" **Note: Character was destroyed by Tametomo. *Wow... is awesome! **Who: Harigane Jamen **Source: Episode 40, "The Pained" **Note: Character was destroyed by Jūru. *I hate getting wet. **Who: Manekineko Jamen **Source: Episode 41, "I Want to Be as I Am" **Note: Character was destroyed by Jūru. *My life's purpose... I'll forge it, here and now! *When you see my brother, tell him this: I hope next time, we can be brothers on better terms. **Who: Treachereous Demon General Galza **Source: Episode 43, "The Dirty Hero" **Note: Character was killed by Yodon. First last word was said while in person while second last word was said while in spirit. *I don't think... I can... *Then when I'm gone... it will make you unstoppable... isn't it, Emperor...? Thank goodness... **Who: Yodonna **Source: Episode 45, "You Were There, and Shined" **Note: Character was killed by Yodon. First last word was said while in person while second last word was a dying declaration of love. *Impossible... I can't... lose! **Who: Emperor Yodon **Source: Episode 45, "You Were There, and Shined" **Note: Character was destroyed by Jūru. === ''[[w:Kikai Sentai Zenkaiger|Kikai Sentai Zenkaiger]]'' === *Shroom you! **Who: Kinoko World **Source: No.2-kai!, "The Roaring Beast Is Troublesome!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kaito and Gaon. *Be careful around wild mushrooms, kinoko! **Who: Dai Kinoko World **Source: No.2-kai!, "The Roaring Beast Is Troublesome!" **Note: Character was destroyed by ZenkaiOh JuraGaon. *Which one?! This one! **Who: Kōri World **Source: No.3-kai!, "The Seriously Nununu Witch!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Zenkaigers. *Be careful for brain freezes when you eat snow cones! **Who: Dai Kōri World **Source: No.3-kai!, "The Seriously Nununu Witch!" **Note: Character was destroyed by ZenkaiOh JuraGaon. *It's getting to my legs! **Who: Boxing World **Source: No.4-kai!, "The Trembling Big Meddler!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Zenkaigers. *Boxing led me to burn out like pure white ash. **Who: Dai Boxing World **Source: No.4-kai!, "The Trembling Big Meddler!" **Note: Character was destroyed by ZenkaiOh VrooMagine. *You little... **Who: Sushi World **Source: No.5-kai!, "Make Sushi or Be Made into Sushi, a Sushi Tournament!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kaito and Juran. *We're closed for today! Roll up the sushi welcome mat! **Who: Dai Sushi World **Source: No.5-kai!, "Make Sushi or Be Made into Sushi, a Sushi Tournament!" **Note: Character was destroyed by ZenkaiOh VrooMagine. *Oh no! **Who: Gomi World **Source: No.6-kai!, "The Unpleasant and Incomprehensible Garbage Treatment!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Zenkaigers. *The rules over trash sorting are dicated by your local municipality, gomi! **Who: Dai Gomi World **Source: No.6-kai!, "The Unpleasant and Incomprehensible Garbage Treatment!" **Note: Character was destroyed by ZenkaiOh VrooMagine. *No! Ow! Lord Bokkowaus! Keep doing your best, warumono! **Who: Super Warumono World **Source: [[w:Kikai Sentai Zenkaiger|Kikai Sentai Zenkaiger the Movie: Red Battle! All Sentai Great Assemble!!]] **Note: Character was destroyed by Zenkaigers. *Don Dolnero! **Who: Normal Warumono World **Source: [[w:Kikai Sentai Zenkaiger|Kikai Sentai Zenkaiger Spin-Off: Zenkai Red Great Introduction!]] **Note: Character was destroyed by ZenkaiOh JuraGaon. *Why... why close the door on me?! Door! **Who: Door World **Source: No.8-kai!, "Going Door to Door to Another World?!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Stacy. *Make sure to keep your doors locked at night! **Who: Dai Door World **Source: No.8-kai!, "Going Door to Door to Another World?!" **Note: Character was destroyed by ZenkaiOh VrooMagine. *Mochi! **Who: Kashiwamochi World **Source: No.9-kai!, "World Pirates, Pleasant and Thrilling!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Zocks. *I also had smooth red bean paste and white bean paste! **Who: Dai Kashiwamochi World **Source: No.9-kai!, "World Pirates, Pleasant and Thrilling!" **Note: Character was destroyed by ZenkaiOh JuraGaon. *No more dancing! **Who: Mahiru World **Source: No.10-kai!, "Blue Skies Day and Night!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Zocks. *Sunbathing is important, mahiru! **Who: Dai Mahiru World **Source: No.10-kai!, "Blue Skies Day and Night!" **Note: Character was destroyed by ZenkaiOh VrooMagine. *I'm tagged! **Who: Onigokko World **Source: No.11-kai!, "Everyone's Playing Tag?!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Zenkaigers. *I'm taThe encroaching world is nothing but on! **Who: Dai Onigokko World **Source: No.11-kai!, "Everyone's Playing Tag?!" **Note: Character was destroyed by his bomb. *Oh snail crap! **Who: Katatsumuri World **Source: No.12-kai!, "Slow Snail, Hard Shell!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Zenkaigers. *The horns come out, the stalks come out, and finally the head come out! **Who: Dai Katatsumuri World **Source: No.12-kai!, "Slow Snail, Hard Shell!" **Note: Character was destroyed by TwokaiOh Cutanner. *Stop it! Don't you care about recycling?! **Who: Reycle World **Source: No.13-kai!, "Recycling Once Again!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Zocks. *Why?! **Who: Dai Reycle World **Source: No.13-kai!, "Recycling Once Again!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Battle Caesar Robo. *What the retro just happened? **Who: Retro World **Source: No.15-kai!, "Recycling Once Again!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Zocks. *Bye-anara... **Who: Dai Retro World **Source: No.15-kai!, "Recycling Once Again!" **Note: Character was destroyed by ZenkaiOh JuraGaon and TwokaiOh Cutanner. *I suddenly feel weaker... **Who: Jishaku World **Source: No.16-kai!, "It's a Magnet at Its Limit!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kaito. *Wait... which one was... **Who: Dai Jishaku World **Source: No.16-kai!, "It's a Magnet at Its Limit!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kikainoid Zenkaigers. *Right in my Solar Plexus Sentai! **Who: Tōmei World **Source: No.17-kai!, "Nunu, Occult Club!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Zenkaigers. *Transparency is very valuable... in the workplace! **Who: Dai Tōmei World **Source: No.17-kai!, "Nunu, Occult Club!" **Note: Character was destroyed by TwokaiOh Ricky. *The sky's... too bright for my eyes... ren'ai... **Who: Ren'ai World **Source: No.18-kai!, "Life Is Short, Fall in Love at Full Throttle!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kaito and Zocks. *I screwed up my harem ending! **Who: Dai Ren'ai World **Source: No.18-kai!, "Life Is Short, Fall in Love at Full Throttle!" **Note: Character was destroyed by ZenkaiOh JuraGaon, ZenkaiOh VrooMagine, and TwokaiOh Cutanner. *Why isn't it working?! **Who: Kabutomushi World **Source: No.19-kai!, "Zenkai Change, Super Zenkai!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kaito. *Insects are amazing... **Who: Dai Kabutomushi World **Source: No.19-kai!, "Zenkai Change, Super Zenkai!" **Note: Character was destroyed by ZenkaiOh JuraGaon and ZenkaiOh VrooMagine. *I suppose coming here was the wrong move, orihime! **Who: Orihime World **Source: Saber Special Chapter, "The World Pirate is Coming, Intersecting Worlds." **Note: Character was destroyed by Zocks and Tōma. *I just wanted to meet my own Orihime! **Who: Hikoboshi World **Source: No.20-kai!, "Swordsman and World Pirate, a Brother's Promise." **Note: Character was destroyed by Zocks and Ryōga. *According to the old calendar, Tanabata is on August 14th this year! **Who: Dai Hikoboshi World **Source: No.20-kai!, "Swordsman and World Pirate, a Brother's Promise." **Note: Character was destroyed by ZenkaiOh VrooMagine and TwokaiOh Cutanner. *I don't have any spare cartridges! Crash out! I can't copy anything like this! **Who: Copy World **Source: No.21-kai!, "Giant Monster of Great Destruction!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kikainoid Zenkaigers. *Unauthorized copies are illegal... copy! **Who: Dai Copy World **Source: No.21-kai!, "Giant Monster of Great Destruction!" **Note: Character was destroyed by ZenkaijūOh. *Excuse me?! Seems like you need a lesson to learn just how sharp the bull's horn can get! Yellow! **Who: Tōgyū World **Source: No.22-kai!, "Let's Have a Bullfighting Party!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kaito and Zocks. *Shine on, you summer matadors! **Who: Dai Tōgyū World **Source: No.22-kai!, "Let's Have a Bullfighting Party!" **Note: Character was destroyed by ZenkaijūOh. *Looks like this vacation's over! **Who: Vacances World **Source: No.24-kai!, "Invasion Complete! Can We Take It Back?!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Barashitara. *I wish vacations never ended! **Who: Dai Vacances World **Source: No.24-kai!, "Invasion Complete! Can We Take It Back?!" **Note: Character was destroyed by ZenkaijūOh. *Hidokei! **Who: Hidokei World **Source: No.25-kai!, "Do It Over! Zenkaiger Revised!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Zenkaigers. *I've been canceled! **Who: Manga World **Source: No.28-kai!, "Weekly Shōnen Manga World of Great Illustrations!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Zocks. *I wish I could've read the final chapter of my favorite manga! **Who: Dai Manga World **Source: No.28-kai!, "Weekly Shōnen Manga World of Great Illustrations!" **Note: Character was destroyed by ZenkaijūOh. *Oh, this tenn-isn't good! Without that mask, I lose my divine tennis protection! **Who: Tennis World **Source: No.29-kai!, "Do You Know the Prince's Aim?" **Note: Character was destroyed by Zenkaigers. *Everyone is all alone on the court, tennis! **Who: Dai Tennis World **Source: No.29-kai!, "Do You Know the Prince's Aim?" **Note: Character was destroyed by ZenkaiOh VrooMagine. *Oh, dried persimmons! **Who: Hoshigaki World **Source: No.30-kai!, "Is the Machine Next Door Persimmon-Eating Destruction?!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kaito. *Japanese persimmons are also delicious with salads, kaki! **Who: Dai Hoshigaki World **Source: No.30-kai!, "Is the Machine Next Door Persimmon-Eating Destruction?!" **Note: Character was destroyed by ZenkaijūOh. *Oh, milk me! **Who: Gyū'nyū World **Source: No.31-kai!, "Is the Machine Next Door Persimmon-Eating Destruction?!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Zenkaigers. *Make sure to chew your dairy products! **Who: Dai Gyū'nyū World **Source: No.31-kai!, "Is the Machine Next Door Persimmon-Eating Destruction?!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Zenryoku Eagle. *My chances for winnning have been flipped! **Who: Sakasama World **Source: No.32-kai!, "Is the Machine Next Door Persimmon-Eating Destruction?!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Kaito and Stacy. *My life got flipped and turned upside down! **Who: Dai Sakasama World **Source: No.32-kai!, "Is the Machine Next Door Persimmon-Eating Destruction?!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Zenryoku ZenkaiOh. *Whoa, whoa, whoa! **Who: Gakuen World **Source: No.33-kai!, "Great Teacher Demon Master!" **Note: Character was destroyed by Zenkaigers. *I may have screwed up but don't end up like me! **Who: Dai Gakuen World **Source: No.33-kai!, "Great Teacher Demon Master!" **Note: Character was destroyed by ZenkaiOh VrooMagine and ZenkaijūOh. [[Category:Fictional last words|Super Sentai]] 8zbm2cok7r5f2bmlmejgxei93y9hgco 0 238062 3157964 3157215 2022-08-25T22:17:18Z 82.27.235.81 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''Spyro: A Hero's Tail''''' is a 2004 video game and the fifth home console Spyro game. ==Sgt. Byrd== * Sorry chap, but only birds and air force pilots can get up there. And I happen to be both of those things. * Right! Shall I take on this flying challenge? * Greetings, Spyro! Still fighting the good fight, I trust. Oh blast, we're really high up, aren't we? There's an area that only us bird types can reach and I might be able to earn you a Dragon Egg or a Light Gem. * Hello, Spyro. Still soldiering on old chap, eh? Hehe... a little R.A.F. humor for you. * By jove Spyro, this heat is tough on me. I'm not a tropical bird, after all. Still, I can blast off to see what I can find if you'd like, old chap? * Well, how about it? Shall I demonstrate our air superiority? ==Professor== * Spyro, I've got an idea where Red might be. I believe he has a secret underground lair somewhere on this Realm. I'm going there in a while with my new gadget. Yes... I, being a mole, will dig my way down to Red's lair... Meanwhile, see if you can find a way into the Volcano. ==Moneybags== * Ah, Spyro! How nice to see you! I was hoping to remodel my third home - and no one overpays like you! But don't bother coming back here until you've got 500 gems, ok? * Well, I am not a fan of new money, but it is money after all! So go inside and buy a Lock-Pick. * Hey, check it out, Spyro! I've got a shop here too. Same low quality, same high prices. I tell you I'm crazy! * You know, I was thinking of freezing my prices, ha ha ha ha, but then I thought better of it. Anyway, come inside where it's warm and spend some of those lovely gems with me. * I don't know what possessed me to set up shop in such a hostile place Spyro, ah, but it's business as usual, and even hostile people have money! * Come inside, Spyro... and bring your money. It may seem like the end of the world but I still have to make a living... yes? ==Mergatroid== * '''Mergatroid:''' I hate the way the master treats us. * '''Mergatroid:''' Why is this place always so dirty? Anyone would think an army had been through here! Oh, I forgot - it has. * '''Mergatroid:''' 11011010110110101! Oh sorry, I thought you were someone else. ==Others== * '''Bentley:''' Hey! You said you'd chase those yetis out of my house! Friends don't go back on promises. ==Dialogue== ''(First lines)'' :'''Professor:''' That's the fallen dragon, Red. I'm sure you've heard all about him. :'''Spyro:''' No. :'''Professor:''' I thought he was long gone. But it looks like he's been mining Dark Gems and planting them all over the Realms. He's even got Gnasty Gnorc and his minions doing all his dirty work. :'''Spyro:''' Gnasty Gnorc? Didn't I defeat that guy years ago? Huh. What are Dark Gems? :'''Professor:''' Ah, questions, questions, so many questions. Dark Gems are the life draining stones that fuel Red's evil power. If you're going to stop Red, you'll have to find out more about him, and destroy all the Dark Gems. But first, go and see Moneybags. He usually has something worth buying. Good luck, Spyro! Now I'll unlock that door so you can... :''(Spyro rushes out the door)'' :'''Professor:''' Oh, Spyro... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Elder Tomas:''' Ah, Master Spyro. You must be setting out to stop Red from using the Dark Gems to take over the world. :'''Spyro:''' Yeah, something like that. Hey, who's Red? :'''Elder Tomas:''' Ah, Red was once an Elder like myself. I'd tell you the whole story, but I'm old and I take a really long time to tell stories... So, how about I just tell you how to destroy the Dark Gems instead? :'''Spyro:''' ''(To the audience)'' Whew, close one. ''(To Tomas)'' Yeah, do that. :'''Elder Tomas:''' To destroy Dark Gems, you should use your Horn Dive. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Blink:''' Thanks for rescuing me, Spyro. My name's Blink... Blink the mole. :'''Spyro:''' A mole, huh? Do you know the Professor? :'''Blink:''' What? You think because I'm a mole I must know every other mole in the world? :'''Spyro:''' Uhhhh... :'''Blink:''' I'm just kidding ya. The Professor's my uncle. He built me these gloves to give me special abilities when I'm exploring underground. Yep, I bet I'd make a great sidekick... if it weren't for my fresh-air-a-phobia. :'''Spyro:''' Fresh-air-a-phobia? :'''Blink:''' That's right. I actually have a fear of not being trapped deep underground. I know, it's kinda weird. So, how 'bout I dig a hole and do some exploring? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Otto:''' Dude! Some dude's drained my pool, dude! I mean, dude! Dude... :'''Spyro:''' Okay. And you want me to fill it, right? :'''Otto:''' Dude! That'd be... aw, dude! :'''Spyro:''' ''(To the audience)'' Just say "No". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lily:''' Hello. What sort of fish are you, and where are your fins? :'''Spyro:''' I'm not a fish, I'm a dragon. My name's Spyro! :'''Lily:''' Well, dragon fish, here's a tip. To get through these ruins, you'll have to follow the markers. :'''Spyro:''' Er, thanks, but once again I'm not a fish, I'm a dragon. :'''Lily:''' Oh! A sea dragon! Got it. :'''Spyro:''' Huh! Chicks... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ineptune:''' Ah, you must be Spyro! Ha ha ha ha! You're larger than I expected. :'''Spyro:''' Huh? Normally, people I fight say I'm smaller than they expected. You know, trying to psyche me out. :'''Ineptune:''' Oh, I guess I just assumed dragons were tiny. You know, I spend all my time in the water, so I don't get to see a lot of dragons. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mammoth:''' You must be Spyro the Dragon! Red tell me to stop you! :'''Spyro:''' Fat chance! I've beaten bigger baddies than you! All I have to do is run around you a few times, while I figure out your weakness. Then I just hit you three times and... :''(The Mammoth crushes Spyro under his foot. Sparx tries to fly away, only for the mammoth to suck him up using his trunk)'' :'''Mammoth:''' He he he he he he... :''(Sparx flies out of the Mammoth's backside then flies off to find Hunter shooting arrows at a target)'' :'''Sparx:''' Hunter! It's me, Sparx! :'''Hunter:''' Sparx? Hey, what are you doing here? And where's Spyro? :'''Sparx:''' It all started when we ran into this elephant. Only it wasn't really an elephant... he had hair all over his body. :'''Hunter:''' Okay... right, I see... yeah hairy... oh no! They got Spyro? We have to rescue him before it's too late! :'''Sparx:''' But what if it's already too late? :'''Hunter:''' Relax, buddy. Spyro's still alive. I know, because if he weren't, we'd be going back to a previous save. Heh! I rock! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bentley:''' Wha, ah, hey! If it's not my old pal Hunter! What are you doing in these parts? :'''Hunter:''' Oh, hey Bentley. Yeah, I'm just passing through. I'm on a mission to rescue Spyro. He's gone and got himself captured. How you doin'? :'''Bentley:''' Eh, some yetis from the neighborhood chased me out of my house. But I don't want to bore you... you're busy looking for Spyro. :'''Hunter:''' Oh, cool, okay then... are you sure you're okay, Bentley? I could go in there with my bows and arrows and get rid of 'em for ya. :'''Bentley:''' Ah, would you, old pal? I would be very grateful. My cave is through there and you'll have to climb the wall to reach it. But you've got to be careful, there's quite a few bad guys and they're very tough. If you get rid of all the yetis, I'll give you a reward. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bentley:''' Ohhh thanks, pal! Let me help you with that door so you can go about your business. Also, I meant to give you this on your birthday. Sorry it's so late. :'''Hunter:''' Oh yeah, Light Gem. Okay, cool... :'''Bentley:''' If you don't like it, you can return it. :'''Hunter:''' N-n-n-n-no no, I love it. I'll give it to Spyro. :'''Bentley:''' Good luck with finding Spyro, old buddy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hunter:''' Spyro, you okay? :'''Spyro:''' Oh, Hunter, am I glad to see you! Do you think you could get me down? :'''Hunter:''' Yeah, just hang in there, buddy. :'''Spyro:''' ''(Unamused)'' Ha ha, very funny! :''(Hunter shoots the lock on Spyro's cage, releasing him)'' :'''Spyro:''' Thanks Hunter. Now I'm off to find Red. :'''Hunter:''' Hey, you want me to tag along? :'''Spyro:''' No no no! ...I'll continue from here. :'''Hunter:''' Alright then, see you soon buddy. You look after yourself. Cool? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Red:''' I cannot believe this. How did you make it this far? ''(Lands in front of Spyro)'' No matter, I will deal with you now. I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but alas, you have forced my hand. :'''Spyro:''' Am I supposed to be scared of you? I've spoken to the Elders and from what I can make out you're just a traitorous coward! :'''Red:''' Ah, well then. Prepare, young dragon, to be taught a lesson... or two. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Teena:''' Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! He he he he he he he! :'''Spyro:''' What are you laughing about? :'''Teena:''' Hehehe! Those rock monsters burnt down my house. I'm actually quite sad. It's just that I'm a laughing hyena. Hahaha! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Blink:''' Normally, I'd be freaking out right now, desperate to get underground... but for some reason I don't feel that bad. :'''Spyro:''' Maybe that's because you're already underground. :'''Blink:''' Hey, you're right! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mergatroid:''' Intruder alert! Intruder alert! You have breached the perimeter of Red's lab! Ha ha, I'm just kidding. I'm a maintenance robot, not security. :'''Spyro:''' Cool. So, what's this thing? :'''Mergatroid:''' That, my dear philistine, is an orrery. In addition to showing the rotation of the planets, it locks and unlocks all the doors in this room. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Spyro:''' Professor, I finally found you! What were you thinking going after Red? :'''Professor:''' I don't know! I thought I could stop him after you had weakened him, but as soon as I got here, I was captured and locked in this lab. Red's forcing me to work on his new improved army. You know, better armor, extra brain capacity, that sort of thing. Oh, Spyro. I seem to have made things a lot worse. :'''Spyro:''' Hey, don't worry. I'll have you out of here as soon as I... :''(Red enters)'' :'''Red:''' Oh, how cosy. So, Spyro, have you returned to fight me again? And do you think I will allow you to win this time? :'''Spyro:''' Yeah, whatever. You're not so much of a challenge. I'm sure I can do it again. :'''Red:''' Ah, poor naïve Spyro. You obviously don't know that I always get my way. :''(Spyro charges at Red and knocks him into a machine which turns him into a robot called Mecha-Red. Mecha-Red flies through the window into the arena, followed by Spyro)'' :'''Professor:''' Leave it to me, Spyro! I've got him! ''(Accidentally makes Mecha-Red grow)'' Oops! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor:''' I've fixed the machine, Spyro, so hold on... I'll finish him off! ''(Shrinks Red down to the size of an insect)'' :''(Spyro moves over to squash Red)'' :'''Red:''' Get away from me, you horrid little dragon! :'''Spyro:''' Why? Are you afraid of me now? == External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:2004 video games]] gfimeqkyhaq6um8z1yw5ra6zo5k2p5d 3157966 3157964 2022-08-25T22:19:05Z 82.27.235.81 /* Others */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''''Spyro: A Hero's Tail''''' is a 2004 video game and the fifth home console Spyro game. ==Sgt. Byrd== * Sorry chap, but only birds and air force pilots can get up there. And I happen to be both of those things. * Right! Shall I take on this flying challenge? * Greetings, Spyro! Still fighting the good fight, I trust. Oh blast, we're really high up, aren't we? There's an area that only us bird types can reach and I might be able to earn you a Dragon Egg or a Light Gem. * Hello, Spyro. Still soldiering on old chap, eh? Hehe... a little R.A.F. humor for you. * By jove Spyro, this heat is tough on me. I'm not a tropical bird, after all. Still, I can blast off to see what I can find if you'd like, old chap? * Well, how about it? Shall I demonstrate our air superiority? ==Professor== * Spyro, I've got an idea where Red might be. I believe he has a secret underground lair somewhere on this Realm. I'm going there in a while with my new gadget. Yes... I, being a mole, will dig my way down to Red's lair... Meanwhile, see if you can find a way into the Volcano. ==Moneybags== * Ah, Spyro! How nice to see you! I was hoping to remodel my third home - and no one overpays like you! But don't bother coming back here until you've got 500 gems, ok? * Well, I am not a fan of new money, but it is money after all! So go inside and buy a Lock-Pick. * Hey, check it out, Spyro! I've got a shop here too. Same low quality, same high prices. I tell you I'm crazy! * You know, I was thinking of freezing my prices, ha ha ha ha, but then I thought better of it. Anyway, come inside where it's warm and spend some of those lovely gems with me. * I don't know what possessed me to set up shop in such a hostile place Spyro, ah, but it's business as usual, and even hostile people have money! * Come inside, Spyro... and bring your money. It may seem like the end of the world but I still have to make a living... yes? ==Mergatroid== * '''Mergatroid:''' I hate the way the master treats us. * '''Mergatroid:''' Why is this place always so dirty? Anyone would think an army had been through here! Oh, I forgot - it has. * '''Mergatroid:''' 11011010110110101! Oh sorry, I thought you were someone else. ==Others== * '''Bentley:''' Hey! You said you'd chase those yetis out of my house! Friends don't go back on promises. * '''Wally:''' Oh no, Gnorcs are storming the beach! You have to stop them! There's a reward in it for you. ==Dialogue== ''(First lines)'' :'''Professor:''' That's the fallen dragon, Red. I'm sure you've heard all about him. :'''Spyro:''' No. :'''Professor:''' I thought he was long gone. But it looks like he's been mining Dark Gems and planting them all over the Realms. He's even got Gnasty Gnorc and his minions doing all his dirty work. :'''Spyro:''' Gnasty Gnorc? Didn't I defeat that guy years ago? Huh. What are Dark Gems? :'''Professor:''' Ah, questions, questions, so many questions. Dark Gems are the life draining stones that fuel Red's evil power. If you're going to stop Red, you'll have to find out more about him, and destroy all the Dark Gems. But first, go and see Moneybags. He usually has something worth buying. Good luck, Spyro! Now I'll unlock that door so you can... :''(Spyro rushes out the door)'' :'''Professor:''' Oh, Spyro... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Elder Tomas:''' Ah, Master Spyro. You must be setting out to stop Red from using the Dark Gems to take over the world. :'''Spyro:''' Yeah, something like that. Hey, who's Red? :'''Elder Tomas:''' Ah, Red was once an Elder like myself. I'd tell you the whole story, but I'm old and I take a really long time to tell stories... So, how about I just tell you how to destroy the Dark Gems instead? :'''Spyro:''' ''(To the audience)'' Whew, close one. ''(To Tomas)'' Yeah, do that. :'''Elder Tomas:''' To destroy Dark Gems, you should use your Horn Dive. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Blink:''' Thanks for rescuing me, Spyro. My name's Blink... Blink the mole. :'''Spyro:''' A mole, huh? Do you know the Professor? :'''Blink:''' What? You think because I'm a mole I must know every other mole in the world? :'''Spyro:''' Uhhhh... :'''Blink:''' I'm just kidding ya. The Professor's my uncle. He built me these gloves to give me special abilities when I'm exploring underground. Yep, I bet I'd make a great sidekick... if it weren't for my fresh-air-a-phobia. :'''Spyro:''' Fresh-air-a-phobia? :'''Blink:''' That's right. I actually have a fear of not being trapped deep underground. I know, it's kinda weird. So, how 'bout I dig a hole and do some exploring? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Otto:''' Dude! Some dude's drained my pool, dude! I mean, dude! Dude... :'''Spyro:''' Okay. And you want me to fill it, right? :'''Otto:''' Dude! That'd be... aw, dude! :'''Spyro:''' ''(To the audience)'' Just say "No". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lily:''' Hello. What sort of fish are you, and where are your fins? :'''Spyro:''' I'm not a fish, I'm a dragon. My name's Spyro! :'''Lily:''' Well, dragon fish, here's a tip. To get through these ruins, you'll have to follow the markers. :'''Spyro:''' Er, thanks, but once again I'm not a fish, I'm a dragon. :'''Lily:''' Oh! A sea dragon! Got it. :'''Spyro:''' Huh! Chicks... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ineptune:''' Ah, you must be Spyro! Ha ha ha ha! You're larger than I expected. :'''Spyro:''' Huh? Normally, people I fight say I'm smaller than they expected. You know, trying to psyche me out. :'''Ineptune:''' Oh, I guess I just assumed dragons were tiny. You know, I spend all my time in the water, so I don't get to see a lot of dragons. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mammoth:''' You must be Spyro the Dragon! Red tell me to stop you! :'''Spyro:''' Fat chance! I've beaten bigger baddies than you! All I have to do is run around you a few times, while I figure out your weakness. Then I just hit you three times and... :''(The Mammoth crushes Spyro under his foot. Sparx tries to fly away, only for the mammoth to suck him up using his trunk)'' :'''Mammoth:''' He he he he he he... :''(Sparx flies out of the Mammoth's backside then flies off to find Hunter shooting arrows at a target)'' :'''Sparx:''' Hunter! It's me, Sparx! :'''Hunter:''' Sparx? Hey, what are you doing here? And where's Spyro? :'''Sparx:''' It all started when we ran into this elephant. Only it wasn't really an elephant... he had hair all over his body. :'''Hunter:''' Okay... right, I see... yeah hairy... oh no! They got Spyro? We have to rescue him before it's too late! :'''Sparx:''' But what if it's already too late? :'''Hunter:''' Relax, buddy. Spyro's still alive. I know, because if he weren't, we'd be going back to a previous save. Heh! I rock! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bentley:''' Wha, ah, hey! If it's not my old pal Hunter! What are you doing in these parts? :'''Hunter:''' Oh, hey Bentley. Yeah, I'm just passing through. I'm on a mission to rescue Spyro. He's gone and got himself captured. How you doin'? :'''Bentley:''' Eh, some yetis from the neighborhood chased me out of my house. But I don't want to bore you... you're busy looking for Spyro. :'''Hunter:''' Oh, cool, okay then... are you sure you're okay, Bentley? I could go in there with my bows and arrows and get rid of 'em for ya. :'''Bentley:''' Ah, would you, old pal? I would be very grateful. My cave is through there and you'll have to climb the wall to reach it. But you've got to be careful, there's quite a few bad guys and they're very tough. If you get rid of all the yetis, I'll give you a reward. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bentley:''' Ohhh thanks, pal! Let me help you with that door so you can go about your business. Also, I meant to give you this on your birthday. Sorry it's so late. :'''Hunter:''' Oh yeah, Light Gem. Okay, cool... :'''Bentley:''' If you don't like it, you can return it. :'''Hunter:''' N-n-n-n-no no, I love it. I'll give it to Spyro. :'''Bentley:''' Good luck with finding Spyro, old buddy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hunter:''' Spyro, you okay? :'''Spyro:''' Oh, Hunter, am I glad to see you! Do you think you could get me down? :'''Hunter:''' Yeah, just hang in there, buddy. :'''Spyro:''' ''(Unamused)'' Ha ha, very funny! :''(Hunter shoots the lock on Spyro's cage, releasing him)'' :'''Spyro:''' Thanks Hunter. Now I'm off to find Red. :'''Hunter:''' Hey, you want me to tag along? :'''Spyro:''' No no no! ...I'll continue from here. :'''Hunter:''' Alright then, see you soon buddy. You look after yourself. Cool? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Red:''' I cannot believe this. How did you make it this far? ''(Lands in front of Spyro)'' No matter, I will deal with you now. I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but alas, you have forced my hand. :'''Spyro:''' Am I supposed to be scared of you? I've spoken to the Elders and from what I can make out you're just a traitorous coward! :'''Red:''' Ah, well then. Prepare, young dragon, to be taught a lesson... or two. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Teena:''' Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! He he he he he he he! :'''Spyro:''' What are you laughing about? :'''Teena:''' Hehehe! Those rock monsters burnt down my house. I'm actually quite sad. It's just that I'm a laughing hyena. Hahaha! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Blink:''' Normally, I'd be freaking out right now, desperate to get underground... but for some reason I don't feel that bad. :'''Spyro:''' Maybe that's because you're already underground. :'''Blink:''' Hey, you're right! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mergatroid:''' Intruder alert! Intruder alert! You have breached the perimeter of Red's lab! Ha ha, I'm just kidding. I'm a maintenance robot, not security. :'''Spyro:''' Cool. So, what's this thing? :'''Mergatroid:''' That, my dear philistine, is an orrery. In addition to showing the rotation of the planets, it locks and unlocks all the doors in this room. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Spyro:''' Professor, I finally found you! What were you thinking going after Red? :'''Professor:''' I don't know! I thought I could stop him after you had weakened him, but as soon as I got here, I was captured and locked in this lab. Red's forcing me to work on his new improved army. You know, better armor, extra brain capacity, that sort of thing. Oh, Spyro. I seem to have made things a lot worse. :'''Spyro:''' Hey, don't worry. I'll have you out of here as soon as I... :''(Red enters)'' :'''Red:''' Oh, how cosy. So, Spyro, have you returned to fight me again? And do you think I will allow you to win this time? :'''Spyro:''' Yeah, whatever. You're not so much of a challenge. I'm sure I can do it again. :'''Red:''' Ah, poor naïve Spyro. You obviously don't know that I always get my way. :''(Spyro charges at Red and knocks him into a machine which turns him into a robot called Mecha-Red. Mecha-Red flies through the window into the arena, followed by Spyro)'' :'''Professor:''' Leave it to me, Spyro! I've got him! ''(Accidentally makes Mecha-Red grow)'' Oops! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor:''' I've fixed the machine, Spyro, so hold on... I'll finish him off! ''(Shrinks Red down to the size of an insect)'' :''(Spyro moves over to squash Red)'' :'''Red:''' Get away from me, you horrid little dragon! :'''Spyro:''' Why? Are you afraid of me now? == External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:2004 video games]] sxub70ij5uuyr9il8u5jxd58190te2h 3157969 3157966 2022-08-25T22:23:54Z 82.27.235.81 /* Others */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''''Spyro: A Hero's Tail''''' is a 2004 video game and the fifth home console Spyro game. ==Sgt. Byrd== * Sorry chap, but only birds and air force pilots can get up there. And I happen to be both of those things. * Right! Shall I take on this flying challenge? * Greetings, Spyro! Still fighting the good fight, I trust. Oh blast, we're really high up, aren't we? There's an area that only us bird types can reach and I might be able to earn you a Dragon Egg or a Light Gem. * Hello, Spyro. Still soldiering on old chap, eh? Hehe... a little R.A.F. humor for you. * By jove Spyro, this heat is tough on me. I'm not a tropical bird, after all. Still, I can blast off to see what I can find if you'd like, old chap? * Well, how about it? Shall I demonstrate our air superiority? ==Professor== * Spyro, I've got an idea where Red might be. I believe he has a secret underground lair somewhere on this Realm. I'm going there in a while with my new gadget. Yes... I, being a mole, will dig my way down to Red's lair... Meanwhile, see if you can find a way into the Volcano. ==Moneybags== * Ah, Spyro! How nice to see you! I was hoping to remodel my third home - and no one overpays like you! But don't bother coming back here until you've got 500 gems, ok? * Well, I am not a fan of new money, but it is money after all! So go inside and buy a Lock-Pick. * Hey, check it out, Spyro! I've got a shop here too. Same low quality, same high prices. I tell you I'm crazy! * You know, I was thinking of freezing my prices, ha ha ha ha, but then I thought better of it. Anyway, come inside where it's warm and spend some of those lovely gems with me. * I don't know what possessed me to set up shop in such a hostile place Spyro, ah, but it's business as usual, and even hostile people have money! * Come inside, Spyro... and bring your money. It may seem like the end of the world but I still have to make a living... yes? ==Mergatroid== * '''Mergatroid:''' I hate the way the master treats us. * '''Mergatroid:''' Why is this place always so dirty? Anyone would think an army had been through here! Oh, I forgot - it has. * '''Mergatroid:''' 11011010110110101! Oh sorry, I thought you were someone else. ==Others== * '''Bentley:''' Hey! You said you'd chase those yetis out of my house! Friends don't go back on promises. * '''Wally:''' Oh no, Gnorcs are storming the beach! You have to stop them! There's a reward in it for you. * '''Wally:''' Not bad! Could have done better myself, however it seems they are slow learners. If you're successful again I will reward you with a Light Gem. * '''Wally:''' Good show, almost as good as me! I'm sure they will be back. You can defend the Realm any time you like. But I have no reward, this'll just be for practice. ==Dialogue== ''(First lines)'' :'''Professor:''' That's the fallen dragon, Red. I'm sure you've heard all about him. :'''Spyro:''' No. :'''Professor:''' I thought he was long gone. But it looks like he's been mining Dark Gems and planting them all over the Realms. He's even got Gnasty Gnorc and his minions doing all his dirty work. :'''Spyro:''' Gnasty Gnorc? Didn't I defeat that guy years ago? Huh. What are Dark Gems? :'''Professor:''' Ah, questions, questions, so many questions. Dark Gems are the life draining stones that fuel Red's evil power. If you're going to stop Red, you'll have to find out more about him, and destroy all the Dark Gems. But first, go and see Moneybags. He usually has something worth buying. Good luck, Spyro! Now I'll unlock that door so you can... :''(Spyro rushes out the door)'' :'''Professor:''' Oh, Spyro... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Elder Tomas:''' Ah, Master Spyro. You must be setting out to stop Red from using the Dark Gems to take over the world. :'''Spyro:''' Yeah, something like that. Hey, who's Red? :'''Elder Tomas:''' Ah, Red was once an Elder like myself. I'd tell you the whole story, but I'm old and I take a really long time to tell stories... So, how about I just tell you how to destroy the Dark Gems instead? :'''Spyro:''' ''(To the audience)'' Whew, close one. ''(To Tomas)'' Yeah, do that. :'''Elder Tomas:''' To destroy Dark Gems, you should use your Horn Dive. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Blink:''' Thanks for rescuing me, Spyro. My name's Blink... Blink the mole. :'''Spyro:''' A mole, huh? Do you know the Professor? :'''Blink:''' What? You think because I'm a mole I must know every other mole in the world? :'''Spyro:''' Uhhhh... :'''Blink:''' I'm just kidding ya. The Professor's my uncle. He built me these gloves to give me special abilities when I'm exploring underground. Yep, I bet I'd make a great sidekick... if it weren't for my fresh-air-a-phobia. :'''Spyro:''' Fresh-air-a-phobia? :'''Blink:''' That's right. I actually have a fear of not being trapped deep underground. I know, it's kinda weird. So, how 'bout I dig a hole and do some exploring? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Otto:''' Dude! Some dude's drained my pool, dude! I mean, dude! Dude... :'''Spyro:''' Okay. And you want me to fill it, right? :'''Otto:''' Dude! That'd be... aw, dude! :'''Spyro:''' ''(To the audience)'' Just say "No". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lily:''' Hello. What sort of fish are you, and where are your fins? :'''Spyro:''' I'm not a fish, I'm a dragon. My name's Spyro! :'''Lily:''' Well, dragon fish, here's a tip. To get through these ruins, you'll have to follow the markers. :'''Spyro:''' Er, thanks, but once again I'm not a fish, I'm a dragon. :'''Lily:''' Oh! A sea dragon! Got it. :'''Spyro:''' Huh! Chicks... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ineptune:''' Ah, you must be Spyro! Ha ha ha ha! You're larger than I expected. :'''Spyro:''' Huh? Normally, people I fight say I'm smaller than they expected. You know, trying to psyche me out. :'''Ineptune:''' Oh, I guess I just assumed dragons were tiny. You know, I spend all my time in the water, so I don't get to see a lot of dragons. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mammoth:''' You must be Spyro the Dragon! Red tell me to stop you! :'''Spyro:''' Fat chance! I've beaten bigger baddies than you! All I have to do is run around you a few times, while I figure out your weakness. Then I just hit you three times and... :''(The Mammoth crushes Spyro under his foot. Sparx tries to fly away, only for the mammoth to suck him up using his trunk)'' :'''Mammoth:''' He he he he he he... :''(Sparx flies out of the Mammoth's backside then flies off to find Hunter shooting arrows at a target)'' :'''Sparx:''' Hunter! It's me, Sparx! :'''Hunter:''' Sparx? Hey, what are you doing here? And where's Spyro? :'''Sparx:''' It all started when we ran into this elephant. Only it wasn't really an elephant... he had hair all over his body. :'''Hunter:''' Okay... right, I see... yeah hairy... oh no! They got Spyro? We have to rescue him before it's too late! :'''Sparx:''' But what if it's already too late? :'''Hunter:''' Relax, buddy. Spyro's still alive. I know, because if he weren't, we'd be going back to a previous save. Heh! I rock! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bentley:''' Wha, ah, hey! If it's not my old pal Hunter! What are you doing in these parts? :'''Hunter:''' Oh, hey Bentley. Yeah, I'm just passing through. I'm on a mission to rescue Spyro. He's gone and got himself captured. How you doin'? :'''Bentley:''' Eh, some yetis from the neighborhood chased me out of my house. But I don't want to bore you... you're busy looking for Spyro. :'''Hunter:''' Oh, cool, okay then... are you sure you're okay, Bentley? I could go in there with my bows and arrows and get rid of 'em for ya. :'''Bentley:''' Ah, would you, old pal? I would be very grateful. My cave is through there and you'll have to climb the wall to reach it. But you've got to be careful, there's quite a few bad guys and they're very tough. If you get rid of all the yetis, I'll give you a reward. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bentley:''' Ohhh thanks, pal! Let me help you with that door so you can go about your business. Also, I meant to give you this on your birthday. Sorry it's so late. :'''Hunter:''' Oh yeah, Light Gem. Okay, cool... :'''Bentley:''' If you don't like it, you can return it. :'''Hunter:''' N-n-n-n-no no, I love it. I'll give it to Spyro. :'''Bentley:''' Good luck with finding Spyro, old buddy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hunter:''' Spyro, you okay? :'''Spyro:''' Oh, Hunter, am I glad to see you! Do you think you could get me down? :'''Hunter:''' Yeah, just hang in there, buddy. :'''Spyro:''' ''(Unamused)'' Ha ha, very funny! :''(Hunter shoots the lock on Spyro's cage, releasing him)'' :'''Spyro:''' Thanks Hunter. Now I'm off to find Red. :'''Hunter:''' Hey, you want me to tag along? :'''Spyro:''' No no no! ...I'll continue from here. :'''Hunter:''' Alright then, see you soon buddy. You look after yourself. Cool? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Red:''' I cannot believe this. How did you make it this far? ''(Lands in front of Spyro)'' No matter, I will deal with you now. I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but alas, you have forced my hand. :'''Spyro:''' Am I supposed to be scared of you? I've spoken to the Elders and from what I can make out you're just a traitorous coward! :'''Red:''' Ah, well then. Prepare, young dragon, to be taught a lesson... or two. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Teena:''' Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! He he he he he he he! :'''Spyro:''' What are you laughing about? :'''Teena:''' Hehehe! Those rock monsters burnt down my house. I'm actually quite sad. It's just that I'm a laughing hyena. Hahaha! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Blink:''' Normally, I'd be freaking out right now, desperate to get underground... but for some reason I don't feel that bad. :'''Spyro:''' Maybe that's because you're already underground. :'''Blink:''' Hey, you're right! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mergatroid:''' Intruder alert! Intruder alert! You have breached the perimeter of Red's lab! Ha ha, I'm just kidding. I'm a maintenance robot, not security. :'''Spyro:''' Cool. So, what's this thing? :'''Mergatroid:''' That, my dear philistine, is an orrery. In addition to showing the rotation of the planets, it locks and unlocks all the doors in this room. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Spyro:''' Professor, I finally found you! What were you thinking going after Red? :'''Professor:''' I don't know! I thought I could stop him after you had weakened him, but as soon as I got here, I was captured and locked in this lab. Red's forcing me to work on his new improved army. You know, better armor, extra brain capacity, that sort of thing. Oh, Spyro. I seem to have made things a lot worse. :'''Spyro:''' Hey, don't worry. I'll have you out of here as soon as I... :''(Red enters)'' :'''Red:''' Oh, how cosy. So, Spyro, have you returned to fight me again? And do you think I will allow you to win this time? :'''Spyro:''' Yeah, whatever. You're not so much of a challenge. I'm sure I can do it again. :'''Red:''' Ah, poor naïve Spyro. You obviously don't know that I always get my way. :''(Spyro charges at Red and knocks him into a machine which turns him into a robot called Mecha-Red. Mecha-Red flies through the window into the arena, followed by Spyro)'' :'''Professor:''' Leave it to me, Spyro! I've got him! ''(Accidentally makes Mecha-Red grow)'' Oops! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor:''' I've fixed the machine, Spyro, so hold on... I'll finish him off! ''(Shrinks Red down to the size of an insect)'' :''(Spyro moves over to squash Red)'' :'''Red:''' Get away from me, you horrid little dragon! :'''Spyro:''' Why? Are you afraid of me now? == External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:2004 video games]] epzr0zg0jkdx8epd10s2qnap31diman 3157979 3157969 2022-08-25T22:41:13Z 82.27.235.81 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''Spyro: A Hero's Tail''''' is a 2004 video game and the fifth home console Spyro game. ==Sparx== * Small dark holes... not a problem for me, Spyro. I'll have that lock removed in no time. * Give it up, Spyro. You'll never fit through that crack in the wall. * Here's a Dragon Egg. Are we done yet? * Look, a Light Gem! You should start appreciating me more. * There's nothing left in there! Do I really have to go back in? * This looks like a job for Sparx. Hooray! * So you want me to rick my life while you "stand guard" out there? * I found a Dragon Egg, although I have no idea how I carried it out. * Check it out, a Light Gem! I'm so good, this game should be called "Sparx the Dragonfly". * I already got everything! Can't we just get on with our mission? * Here you go Hunter, I got a Dragon Egg. * Okay Hunter, I got that Light Gem. * There was nothing else down there, but I can always go back and practice. It was good fun. * Spyro, you'll never fit into that crack. You know I usually find valuable stuff in these places. * I can't say no to you Spyro. I wish I could. * Here you go Spyro, I got a Dragon Egg. Man, those things are heavy! * Okay Spyro, I got that Light Gem. You know, it's a good thing I can fit into those gaps, or you'd never get all the Dragon Eggs or Light Gems you need. * There's nothing left in there, but I can always go back and check it out if you like. ==Sgt. Byrd== * Sorry chap, but only birds and air force pilots can get up there. And I happen to be both of those things. * Right! Shall I take on this flying challenge? * Greetings, Spyro! Still fighting the good fight, I trust. Oh blast, we're really high up, aren't we? There's an area that only us bird types can reach and I might be able to earn you a Dragon Egg or a Light Gem. * Hello, Spyro. Still soldiering on old chap, eh? Hehe... a little R.A.F. humor for you. * By jove Spyro, this heat is tough on me. I'm not a tropical bird, after all. Still, I can blast off to see what I can find if you'd like, old chap? * Well, how about it? Shall I demonstrate our air superiority? * Hold out your hands... there you go, Spyro. I earned you a Dragon Egg. * Great scot, Spyro! That was rather a tough one, I must say. But, I managed to earn you a Light Gem. * I can always go back at any time and practice, if you want me to, old chap. ==Professor== * Spyro, I've got an idea where Red might be. I believe he has a secret underground lair somewhere on this Realm. I'm going there in a while with my new gadget. Yes... I, being a mole, will dig my way down to Red's lair... Meanwhile, see if you can find a way into the Volcano. ==Moneybags== * Ah, Spyro! How nice to see you! I was hoping to remodel my third home - and no one overpays like you! But don't bother coming back here until you've got 500 gems, ok? * Well, I am not a fan of new money, but it is money after all! So go inside and buy a Lock-Pick. * Hey, check it out, Spyro! I've got a shop here too. Same low quality, same high prices. I tell you I'm crazy! * You know, I was thinking of freezing my prices, ha ha ha ha, but then I thought better of it. Anyway, come inside where it's warm and spend some of those lovely gems with me. * I don't know what possessed me to set up shop in such a hostile place Spyro, ah, but it's business as usual, and even hostile people have money! * Come inside, Spyro... and bring your money. It may seem like the end of the world but I still have to make a living... yes? ==Mergatroid== * '''Mergatroid:''' I hate the way the master treats us. * '''Mergatroid:''' Why is this place always so dirty? Anyone would think an army had been through here! Oh, I forgot - it has. * '''Mergatroid:''' 11011010110110101! Oh sorry, I thought you were someone else. ==Others== * '''Bentley:''' Hey! You said you'd chase those yetis out of my house! Friends don't go back on promises. * '''Wally:''' Oh no, Gnorcs are storming the beach! You have to stop them! There's a reward in it for you. * '''Wally:''' Not bad! Could have done better myself, however it seems they are slow learners. If you're successful again I will reward you with a Light Gem. * '''Wally:''' Good show, almost as good as me! I'm sure they will be back. You can defend the Realm any time you like. But I have no reward, this'll just be for practice. ==Dialogue== ''(First lines)'' :'''Professor:''' That's the fallen dragon, Red. I'm sure you've heard all about him. :'''Spyro:''' No. :'''Professor:''' I thought he was long gone. But it looks like he's been mining Dark Gems and planting them all over the Realms. He's even got Gnasty Gnorc and his minions doing all his dirty work. :'''Spyro:''' Gnasty Gnorc? Didn't I defeat that guy years ago? Huh. What are Dark Gems? :'''Professor:''' Ah, questions, questions, so many questions. Dark Gems are the life draining stones that fuel Red's evil power. If you're going to stop Red, you'll have to find out more about him, and destroy all the Dark Gems. But first, go and see Moneybags. He usually has something worth buying. Good luck, Spyro! Now I'll unlock that door so you can... :''(Spyro rushes out the door)'' :'''Professor:''' Oh, Spyro... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Elder Tomas:''' Ah, Master Spyro. You must be setting out to stop Red from using the Dark Gems to take over the world. :'''Spyro:''' Yeah, something like that. Hey, who's Red? :'''Elder Tomas:''' Ah, Red was once an Elder like myself. I'd tell you the whole story, but I'm old and I take a really long time to tell stories... So, how about I just tell you how to destroy the Dark Gems instead? :'''Spyro:''' ''(To the audience)'' Whew, close one. ''(To Tomas)'' Yeah, do that. :'''Elder Tomas:''' To destroy Dark Gems, you should use your Horn Dive. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Blink:''' Thanks for rescuing me, Spyro. My name's Blink... Blink the mole. :'''Spyro:''' A mole, huh? Do you know the Professor? :'''Blink:''' What? You think because I'm a mole I must know every other mole in the world? :'''Spyro:''' Uhhhh... :'''Blink:''' I'm just kidding ya. The Professor's my uncle. He built me these gloves to give me special abilities when I'm exploring underground. Yep, I bet I'd make a great sidekick... if it weren't for my fresh-air-a-phobia. :'''Spyro:''' Fresh-air-a-phobia? :'''Blink:''' That's right. I actually have a fear of not being trapped deep underground. I know, it's kinda weird. So, how 'bout I dig a hole and do some exploring? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Otto:''' Dude! Some dude's drained my pool, dude! I mean, dude! Dude... :'''Spyro:''' Okay. And you want me to fill it, right? :'''Otto:''' Dude! That'd be... aw, dude! :'''Spyro:''' ''(To the audience)'' Just say "No". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lily:''' Hello. What sort of fish are you, and where are your fins? :'''Spyro:''' I'm not a fish, I'm a dragon. My name's Spyro! :'''Lily:''' Well, dragon fish, here's a tip. To get through these ruins, you'll have to follow the markers. :'''Spyro:''' Er, thanks, but once again I'm not a fish, I'm a dragon. :'''Lily:''' Oh! A sea dragon! Got it. :'''Spyro:''' Huh! Chicks... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ineptune:''' Ah, you must be Spyro! Ha ha ha ha! You're larger than I expected. :'''Spyro:''' Huh? Normally, people I fight say I'm smaller than they expected. You know, trying to psyche me out. :'''Ineptune:''' Oh, I guess I just assumed dragons were tiny. You know, I spend all my time in the water, so I don't get to see a lot of dragons. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mammoth:''' You must be Spyro the Dragon! Red tell me to stop you! :'''Spyro:''' Fat chance! I've beaten bigger baddies than you! All I have to do is run around you a few times, while I figure out your weakness. Then I just hit you three times and... :''(The Mammoth crushes Spyro under his foot. Sparx tries to fly away, only for the mammoth to suck him up using his trunk)'' :'''Mammoth:''' He he he he he he... :''(Sparx flies out of the Mammoth's backside then flies off to find Hunter shooting arrows at a target)'' :'''Sparx:''' Hunter! It's me, Sparx! :'''Hunter:''' Sparx? Hey, what are you doing here? And where's Spyro? :'''Sparx:''' It all started when we ran into this elephant. Only it wasn't really an elephant... he had hair all over his body. :'''Hunter:''' Okay... right, I see... yeah hairy... oh no! They got Spyro? We have to rescue him before it's too late! :'''Sparx:''' But what if it's already too late? :'''Hunter:''' Relax, buddy. Spyro's still alive. I know, because if he weren't, we'd be going back to a previous save. Heh! I rock! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bentley:''' Wha, ah, hey! If it's not my old pal Hunter! What are you doing in these parts? :'''Hunter:''' Oh, hey Bentley. Yeah, I'm just passing through. I'm on a mission to rescue Spyro. He's gone and got himself captured. How you doin'? :'''Bentley:''' Eh, some yetis from the neighborhood chased me out of my house. But I don't want to bore you... you're busy looking for Spyro. :'''Hunter:''' Oh, cool, okay then... are you sure you're okay, Bentley? I could go in there with my bows and arrows and get rid of 'em for ya. :'''Bentley:''' Ah, would you, old pal? I would be very grateful. My cave is through there and you'll have to climb the wall to reach it. But you've got to be careful, there's quite a few bad guys and they're very tough. If you get rid of all the yetis, I'll give you a reward. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bentley:''' Ohhh thanks, pal! Let me help you with that door so you can go about your business. Also, I meant to give you this on your birthday. Sorry it's so late. :'''Hunter:''' Oh yeah, Light Gem. Okay, cool... :'''Bentley:''' If you don't like it, you can return it. :'''Hunter:''' N-n-n-n-no no, I love it. I'll give it to Spyro. :'''Bentley:''' Good luck with finding Spyro, old buddy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hunter:''' Spyro, you okay? :'''Spyro:''' Oh, Hunter, am I glad to see you! Do you think you could get me down? :'''Hunter:''' Yeah, just hang in there, buddy. :'''Spyro:''' ''(Unamused)'' Ha ha, very funny! :''(Hunter shoots the lock on Spyro's cage, releasing him)'' :'''Spyro:''' Thanks Hunter. Now I'm off to find Red. :'''Hunter:''' Hey, you want me to tag along? :'''Spyro:''' No no no! ...I'll continue from here. :'''Hunter:''' Alright then, see you soon buddy. You look after yourself. Cool? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Red:''' I cannot believe this. How did you make it this far? ''(Lands in front of Spyro)'' No matter, I will deal with you now. I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but alas, you have forced my hand. :'''Spyro:''' Am I supposed to be scared of you? I've spoken to the Elders and from what I can make out you're just a traitorous coward! :'''Red:''' Ah, well then. Prepare, young dragon, to be taught a lesson... or two. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Teena:''' Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! He he he he he he he! :'''Spyro:''' What are you laughing about? :'''Teena:''' Hehehe! Those rock monsters burnt down my house. I'm actually quite sad. It's just that I'm a laughing hyena. Hahaha! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Blink:''' Normally, I'd be freaking out right now, desperate to get underground... but for some reason I don't feel that bad. :'''Spyro:''' Maybe that's because you're already underground. :'''Blink:''' Hey, you're right! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mergatroid:''' Intruder alert! Intruder alert! You have breached the perimeter of Red's lab! Ha ha, I'm just kidding. I'm a maintenance robot, not security. :'''Spyro:''' Cool. So, what's this thing? :'''Mergatroid:''' That, my dear philistine, is an orrery. In addition to showing the rotation of the planets, it locks and unlocks all the doors in this room. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Spyro:''' Professor, I finally found you! What were you thinking going after Red? :'''Professor:''' I don't know! I thought I could stop him after you had weakened him, but as soon as I got here, I was captured and locked in this lab. Red's forcing me to work on his new improved army. You know, better armor, extra brain capacity, that sort of thing. Oh, Spyro. I seem to have made things a lot worse. :'''Spyro:''' Hey, don't worry. I'll have you out of here as soon as I... :''(Red enters)'' :'''Red:''' Oh, how cosy. So, Spyro, have you returned to fight me again? And do you think I will allow you to win this time? :'''Spyro:''' Yeah, whatever. You're not so much of a challenge. I'm sure I can do it again. :'''Red:''' Ah, poor naïve Spyro. You obviously don't know that I always get my way. :''(Spyro charges at Red and knocks him into a machine which turns him into a robot called Mecha-Red. Mecha-Red flies through the window into the arena, followed by Spyro)'' :'''Professor:''' Leave it to me, Spyro! I've got him! ''(Accidentally makes Mecha-Red grow)'' Oops! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor:''' I've fixed the machine, Spyro, so hold on... I'll finish him off! ''(Shrinks Red down to the size of an insect)'' :''(Spyro moves over to squash Red)'' :'''Red:''' Get away from me, you horrid little dragon! :'''Spyro:''' Why? Are you afraid of me now? == External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:2004 video games]] se11mzbb94xah99o4x949iyz3r7o522 3157980 3157979 2022-08-25T22:50:59Z 82.27.235.81 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''Spyro: A Hero's Tail''''' is a 2004 video game and the fifth home console Spyro game. ==Sparx== * Small dark holes... not a problem for me, Spyro. I'll have that lock removed in no time. * Give it up, Spyro. You'll never fit through that crack in the wall. * Here's a Dragon Egg. Are we done yet? * Look, a Light Gem! You should start appreciating me more. * There's nothing left in there! Do I really have to go back in? * This looks like a job for Sparx. Hooray! * So you want me to rick my life while you "stand guard" out there? * I found a Dragon Egg, although I have no idea how I carried it out. * Check it out, a Light Gem! I'm so good, this game should be called "Sparx the Dragonfly". * I already got everything! Can't we just get on with our mission? * Here you go Hunter, I got a Dragon Egg. * Okay Hunter, I got that Light Gem. * There was nothing else down there, but I can always go back and practice. It was good fun. * Spyro, you'll never fit into that crack. You know I usually find valuable stuff in these places. * I can't say no to you Spyro... I wish I could. So, should I take it from here? * Here you go Spyro, I got a Dragon Egg. Man, those things are heavy! * Okay Spyro, I got that Light Gem. You know, it's a good thing I can fit into those gaps, or you'd never get all the Dragon Eggs or Light Gems you need. * There's nothing left in there, but I can always go back and check it out if you like. ==Hunter== * Now, Spyro, you know only I - with my superior feline abilities - can get through the glacier. ==Sgt. Byrd== * Sorry chap, but only birds and air force pilots can get up there. And I happen to be both of those things. * Right! Shall I take on this flying challenge? * Greetings, Spyro! Still fighting the good fight, I trust. Oh blast, we're really high up, aren't we? There's an area that only us bird types can reach and I might be able to earn you a Dragon Egg or a Light Gem. * Hello, Spyro. Still soldiering on old chap, eh? Hehe... a little R.A.F. humor for you. * By jove Spyro, this heat is tough on me. I'm not a tropical bird, after all. Still, I can blast off to see what I can find if you'd like, old chap? * Well, how about it? Shall I demonstrate our air superiority? * Hold out your hands... there you go, Spyro. I earned you a Dragon Egg. * Great scot, Spyro! That was rather a tough one, I must say. But, I managed to earn you a Light Gem. * I can always go back at any time and practice, if you want me to, old chap. ==Professor== * Spyro, I've got an idea where Red might be. I believe he has a secret underground lair somewhere on this Realm. I'm going there in a while with my new gadget. Yes... I, being a mole, will dig my way down to Red's lair... Meanwhile, see if you can find a way into the Volcano. ==Moneybags== * Ah, Spyro! How nice to see you! I was hoping to remodel my third home - and no one overpays like you! But don't bother coming back here until you've got 500 gems, ok? * Well, I am not a fan of new money, but it is money after all! So go inside and buy a Lock-Pick. * Hey, check it out, Spyro! I've got a shop here too. Same low quality, same high prices. I tell you I'm crazy! * You know, I was thinking of freezing my prices, ha ha ha ha, but then I thought better of it. Anyway, come inside where it's warm and spend some of those lovely gems with me. * I don't know what possessed me to set up shop in such a hostile place Spyro, ah, but it's business as usual, and even hostile people have money! * Come inside, Spyro... and bring your money. It may seem like the end of the world but I still have to make a living... yes? ==Mergatroid== * '''Mergatroid:''' I hate the way the master treats us. * '''Mergatroid:''' Why is this place always so dirty? Anyone would think an army had been through here! Oh, I forgot - it has. * '''Mergatroid:''' 11011010110110101! Oh sorry, I thought you were someone else. ==Others== * '''Bentley:''' Hey! You said you'd chase those yetis out of my house! Friends don't go back on promises. * '''Wally:''' Oh no, Gnorcs are storming the beach! You have to stop them! There's a reward in it for you. * '''Wally:''' Not bad! Could have done better myself, however it seems they are slow learners. If you're successful again I will reward you with a Light Gem. * '''Wally:''' Good show, almost as good as me! I'm sure they will be back. You can defend the Realm any time you like. But I have no reward, this'll just be for practice. ==Dialogue== ''(First lines)'' :'''Professor:''' That's the fallen dragon, Red. I'm sure you've heard all about him. :'''Spyro:''' No. :'''Professor:''' I thought he was long gone. But it looks like he's been mining Dark Gems and planting them all over the Realms. He's even got Gnasty Gnorc and his minions doing all his dirty work. :'''Spyro:''' Gnasty Gnorc? Didn't I defeat that guy years ago? Huh. What are Dark Gems? :'''Professor:''' Ah, questions, questions, so many questions. Dark Gems are the life draining stones that fuel Red's evil power. If you're going to stop Red, you'll have to find out more about him, and destroy all the Dark Gems. But first, go and see Moneybags. He usually has something worth buying. Good luck, Spyro! Now I'll unlock that door so you can... :''(Spyro rushes out the door)'' :'''Professor:''' Oh, Spyro... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Elder Tomas:''' Ah, Master Spyro. You must be setting out to stop Red from using the Dark Gems to take over the world. :'''Spyro:''' Yeah, something like that. Hey, who's Red? :'''Elder Tomas:''' Ah, Red was once an Elder like myself. I'd tell you the whole story, but I'm old and I take a really long time to tell stories... So, how about I just tell you how to destroy the Dark Gems instead? :'''Spyro:''' ''(To the audience)'' Whew, close one. ''(To Tomas)'' Yeah, do that. :'''Elder Tomas:''' To destroy Dark Gems, you should use your Horn Dive. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Blink:''' Thanks for rescuing me, Spyro. My name's Blink... Blink the mole. :'''Spyro:''' A mole, huh? Do you know the Professor? :'''Blink:''' What? You think because I'm a mole I must know every other mole in the world? :'''Spyro:''' Uhhhh... :'''Blink:''' I'm just kidding ya. The Professor's my uncle. He built me these gloves to give me special abilities when I'm exploring underground. Yep, I bet I'd make a great sidekick... if it weren't for my fresh-air-a-phobia. :'''Spyro:''' Fresh-air-a-phobia? :'''Blink:''' That's right. I actually have a fear of not being trapped deep underground. I know, it's kinda weird. So, how 'bout I dig a hole and do some exploring? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Otto:''' Dude! Some dude's drained my pool, dude! I mean, dude! Dude... :'''Spyro:''' Okay. And you want me to fill it, right? :'''Otto:''' Dude! That'd be... aw, dude! :'''Spyro:''' ''(To the audience)'' Just say "No". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lily:''' Hello. What sort of fish are you, and where are your fins? :'''Spyro:''' I'm not a fish, I'm a dragon. My name's Spyro! :'''Lily:''' Well, dragon fish, here's a tip. To get through these ruins, you'll have to follow the markers. :'''Spyro:''' Er, thanks, but once again I'm not a fish, I'm a dragon. :'''Lily:''' Oh! A sea dragon! Got it. :'''Spyro:''' Huh! Chicks... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ineptune:''' Ah, you must be Spyro! Ha ha ha ha! You're larger than I expected. :'''Spyro:''' Huh? Normally, people I fight say I'm smaller than they expected. You know, trying to psyche me out. :'''Ineptune:''' Oh, I guess I just assumed dragons were tiny. You know, I spend all my time in the water, so I don't get to see a lot of dragons. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mammoth:''' You must be Spyro the Dragon! Red tell me to stop you! :'''Spyro:''' Fat chance! I've beaten bigger baddies than you! All I have to do is run around you a few times, while I figure out your weakness. Then I just hit you three times and... :''(The Mammoth crushes Spyro under his foot. Sparx tries to fly away, only for the mammoth to suck him up using his trunk)'' :'''Mammoth:''' He he he he he he... :''(Sparx flies out of the Mammoth's backside then flies off to find Hunter shooting arrows at a target)'' :'''Sparx:''' Hunter! It's me, Sparx! :'''Hunter:''' Sparx? Hey, what are you doing here? And where's Spyro? :'''Sparx:''' It all started when we ran into this elephant. Only it wasn't really an elephant... he had hair all over his body. :'''Hunter:''' Okay... right, I see... yeah hairy... oh no! They got Spyro? We have to rescue him before it's too late! :'''Sparx:''' But what if it's already too late? :'''Hunter:''' Relax, buddy. Spyro's still alive. I know, because if he weren't, we'd be going back to a previous save. Heh! I rock! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bentley:''' Wha, ah, hey! If it's not my old pal Hunter! What are you doing in these parts? :'''Hunter:''' Oh, hey Bentley. Yeah, I'm just passing through. I'm on a mission to rescue Spyro. He's gone and got himself captured. How you doin'? :'''Bentley:''' Eh, some yetis from the neighborhood chased me out of my house. But I don't want to bore you... you're busy looking for Spyro. :'''Hunter:''' Oh, cool, okay then... are you sure you're okay, Bentley? I could go in there with my bows and arrows and get rid of 'em for ya. :'''Bentley:''' Ah, would you, old pal? I would be very grateful. My cave is through there and you'll have to climb the wall to reach it. But you've got to be careful, there's quite a few bad guys and they're very tough. If you get rid of all the yetis, I'll give you a reward. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bentley:''' Ohhh thanks, pal! Let me help you with that door so you can go about your business. Also, I meant to give you this on your birthday. Sorry it's so late. :'''Hunter:''' Oh yeah, Light Gem. Okay, cool... :'''Bentley:''' If you don't like it, you can return it. :'''Hunter:''' N-n-n-n-no no, I love it. I'll give it to Spyro. :'''Bentley:''' Good luck with finding Spyro, old buddy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hunter:''' Spyro, you okay? :'''Spyro:''' Oh, Hunter, am I glad to see you! Do you think you could get me down? :'''Hunter:''' Yeah, just hang in there, buddy. :'''Spyro:''' ''(Unamused)'' Ha ha, very funny! :''(Hunter shoots the lock on Spyro's cage, releasing him)'' :'''Spyro:''' Thanks Hunter. Now I'm off to find Red. :'''Hunter:''' Hey, you want me to tag along? :'''Spyro:''' No no no! ...I'll continue from here. :'''Hunter:''' Alright then, see you soon buddy. You look after yourself. Cool? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Red:''' I cannot believe this. How did you make it this far? ''(Lands in front of Spyro)'' No matter, I will deal with you now. I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but alas, you have forced my hand. :'''Spyro:''' Am I supposed to be scared of you? I've spoken to the Elders and from what I can make out you're just a traitorous coward! :'''Red:''' Ah, well then. Prepare, young dragon, to be taught a lesson... or two. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Teena:''' Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! He he he he he he he! :'''Spyro:''' What are you laughing about? :'''Teena:''' Hehehe! Those rock monsters burnt down my house. I'm actually quite sad. It's just that I'm a laughing hyena. Hahaha! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Blink:''' Normally, I'd be freaking out right now, desperate to get underground... but for some reason I don't feel that bad. :'''Spyro:''' Maybe that's because you're already underground. :'''Blink:''' Hey, you're right! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mergatroid:''' Intruder alert! Intruder alert! You have breached the perimeter of Red's lab! Ha ha, I'm just kidding. I'm a maintenance robot, not security. :'''Spyro:''' Cool. So, what's this thing? :'''Mergatroid:''' That, my dear philistine, is an orrery. In addition to showing the rotation of the planets, it locks and unlocks all the doors in this room. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Spyro:''' Professor, I finally found you! What were you thinking going after Red? :'''Professor:''' I don't know! I thought I could stop him after you had weakened him, but as soon as I got here, I was captured and locked in this lab. Red's forcing me to work on his new improved army. You know, better armor, extra brain capacity, that sort of thing. Oh, Spyro. I seem to have made things a lot worse. :'''Spyro:''' Hey, don't worry. I'll have you out of here as soon as I... :''(Red enters)'' :'''Red:''' Oh, how cosy. So, Spyro, have you returned to fight me again? And do you think I will allow you to win this time? :'''Spyro:''' Yeah, whatever. You're not so much of a challenge. I'm sure I can do it again. :'''Red:''' Ah, poor naïve Spyro. You obviously don't know that I always get my way. :''(Spyro charges at Red and knocks him into a machine which turns him into a robot called Mecha-Red. Mecha-Red flies through the window into the arena, followed by Spyro)'' :'''Professor:''' Leave it to me, Spyro! I've got him! ''(Accidentally makes Mecha-Red grow)'' Oops! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor:''' I've fixed the machine, Spyro, so hold on... I'll finish him off! ''(Shrinks Red down to the size of an insect)'' :''(Spyro moves over to squash Red)'' :'''Red:''' Get away from me, you horrid little dragon! :'''Spyro:''' Why? Are you afraid of me now? == External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:2004 video games]] ki8tot6u7gc2hknkyorhiuinnfgd9xz 0 240843 3157894 3156946 2022-08-25T17:16:43Z 162.197.99.132 /* Kick Some Bot (15.1) */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---------------- :'''Seasons:''' [[The Loud House/Season 1|1]] [[The Loud House/Season 2|2]] [[The Loud House/Season 3|3]] [[The Loud House/Season 4|4]] [[The Loud House/Season 5|5]] [[The Loud House/Season 6|6]] ([[The Loud House|Main]]) | '''[[The Casagrandes|Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]]) --------------- ==Episode 1== ===''Bend It Like Abuelo (1.1)''=== :'''Ronnie Anne, Sergio, and CJ''': Gatos, Gatos, Gatos, Gatos! :'''Rosa''': ''[bursts into the mercado with a broomstick]'' Gatos?! Where, where?! :'''Ronnie Anne''': Not ''real'' cats, Abuela. ''[points to the orange team banner]'' The soccer team! :'''Rosa''': Oh. Well, when those ''real'' gatos get here, I'll be ready. ''[leaves the mercado]'' :'''Vito''': I don't know what you's are so excited about. Everyone knows the gatos lose every game. :'''Hector''': This is not just a game. ''[rips off his sweater, revealing a gato t-shirt]'' It's the Crosslake Championship! :'''Vito''': ''[mockingly]'' Oh. So they're gonna be big losers! I've got my money on anyone who's ''not'' The Gatos. ''[rips off his own shirt, revealing a t-shirt with a "No" sign covering the team logo]'' :'''Hector''': ''[aghast; comes from behind the counter and bumps Vito]'' Just wait. Our star player, Picosito, is gonna win this year. When he's hot, ay-yi-yi, he's hot! :'''Vito''': Too bad he's been ice cold for years. <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> :'''Hector''': I'm never washing my head again! :'''Rosa''': When did you start? <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Bunstoppable (1.2)''=== :''[Stanley is telling Sid, Adelaide, Breakfast Bot, and the three pets a story about their ancestors in a book]'' :'''Stanley''': ''[narrating the story]'' ''Once upon a time, thousands of years ago, our ancestors lived in Clear Water Village. They farmed the land and enjoyed a peaceful life, until one day, the village was attacked by the infamous Han Family Bandits!'' ''[imitating the bandits]'' ''"Hand over all your food or we will destroy your village!"'' :'''Adelaide''': Oh, no! And then they destroyed it? :'''Sid''': Shh! Dad's getting to that! Dad, can you get to that? :'''Stanley''': As I was saying, our calm wise, ''and very handsome Ancestor Chang,'' who some say looks a lot like me… :'''Adelaide''': Focus, Dad! :'''Stanley''': ''[clears throat]'' He realized that the Han family's hunger had driven them to a life of crime. So, he offered them a challenge. ''If he gave them something more delicious than anything they'd ever tasted, they'd have to spare the village. The bandits scoffed, but then Ancestor Chang gave them his goldfish bao, it delighted their eyes, filled their stomachs, and energized their bodies! The bandits lost the challenge! The Han family was so moved, that they gave up their evil ways and became the protectors of Clear Water Village.'' And ''that's'' the story of how this bao recipe saved the day. ''[holds up a goldfish bao, which sparkles]'' It's been passed down through our family for generations. :'''All''': Ooh! :'''Stanley''': ''[to his daughters]'' And now, it's time for me to pass the recipe down to ''you'' two, so you can make bao for the Chinese Cultural Fair today. ''[sniffles a bit with tears streaming down from his eyes]'' My little buns, making their first buns! :'''Sid''': ''[patting her father on the back; touched]'' Aw, Dad. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stanley''': I gotta go to the park and snag the best spot before Mike Liu gets there. ''[chuckles]'' Oh, and I'm gonna need you to make 800 bao just like those two. :'''Sid''': ''[chuckles weakly]'' It sounded like he said eight hundred. :'''Stanley''': I did. Better get started. See you at the park. ''[leaves again]'' :'''Adelaide''': But it took us forever to make ''two!'' :'''Sid''': ''[whining]'' At this rate, we'll be Dad's age by the time we finish! There ''HAS'' to be a better way! ''[gets an idea]'' That's it! <hr width="50%"> :'''Vito''': ''[while Hui warms up his nunchucks]'' Oh, bunch of tough guys, huh? ''[starts swinging his linked sausage nunchucks around, but manages to snare himself]'' Is it over? Did I win? :'''Maybelle''': ''[while wrestling with Woo over her grocery bag]'' You ain't gettin' these mangoes! ''[kicks Woo away]'' <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 2== ===''Squawk in the Name of Love (2.1)''=== :''[Carl and Adelaide find Sergio laying on the couch, bawling in tears while binging ice cream]'' :'''Adelaide''': Are you okay, Sergio? :'''Sergio''': Priscilla dumped me…''AGAIN!'' ''[sobbing]'' :'''Adelaide''': Oh. I'm so sorry, Sergio. :'''Carl''': You guys break up all the time. Just find a new girlfriend. There's plenty of birds in the sky. :'''Sergio''': I tried. Total fail. ''[Flashback to the moments of him trying to get a new girlfriend bird]'' One had terrible manners. ''[The female pelican launches a fish at him and he falls off]'' One just didn't listen. ''[holds up his phone showing a photo of Ronnie Anne to an owl]'' And for the fifth time, this is Ronnie Anne. ''[The owl hoots and he face palms himself; then seen having a dinner date with a female eagle]'' One was too aggressive. So, you like smaller birds? ''[The female eagle caws and picks him up and flies off into the sky; fading back to present]'' None lived up to sweet Priscilla. :'''Adelaide''': Why did she dump you? :'''Sergio''': No idea. ''[holds up his phone, showing them a photo of Priscilla annoyingly massaging his feet]'' Look at all the fun we had together. This is her giving me a foot massage, ''[scrolls down to another photo of them at Sancho's place]'' this is us at Sancho's watching the game, ''[scrolls to another photo of her massaging his feet while still at Sancho's]'' this is her giving me a foot massage ''while'' watching the game. :'''Adelaide''': She looks miserable! :'''Sergio''': Nah. That's just her resting ostrich face. ''[scrolls to a photo of Priscilla]'' :'''Adelaide''': It's clear what the problem is. You didn't treat her like a princess. It's okay, I can teach you how to act like a prince and win her back. :'''Sergio''': I'm not so sure. :''[The female eagle caws from outside the window, staring deadly at Sergio]'' :'''Carl''': Look, the eagle's back for a second day! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[with a bump on his head and a black eye, after getting hit by a microphone, via, thrown by Priscilla]'' And then she threw the microphone at me! :'''Adelaide''': Sounds like you deserved it. I'm up for you to write a song about Priscilla, and how you feel about her. :'''Sergio''': Ohhh. :'''Adelaide''': What if you surprised her with a delicious picnic? :'''Sergio''': Yeah. She'll love it. I'll get her a ''real'' feast. <hr width="50%"> :'''Adelaide''': Bow and kiss the queen's hand, then say the following. :'''Sergio''': Frank, Estelle, it is truly an honor. ''[kisses Estelle's foot, much to her approval]'' :'''Adelaide''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside lovely Priscilla. :'''Sergio''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside ugly Priscilla. :'''Adelaide''': I said lovely, you dope! :'''Sergio''': ''[stammering]'' I said lovely, you dope! Uh, I mean, you're so dope. High five. What? :'''Adelaide''': The moment I laid my eyes on her, I said to myself… ''[starts hitting the radio as it starts crackling and randomly plays country music]'' :'''Sergio''': ''[starts square dancing]'' Yee-haw! You're listening to GLC's number one country station. <hr width="50%"> :'''Adelaide''': ''[fighting with Nico as he plays along with the radio]'' Uh… Not now, you monkey! :'''Sergio''': Uh… ''[snapping]'' NOT NOW, YOU MONKEY! <hr width="50%"> :'''Adelaide''': Aww, so sweet. And they lived happily ever after. Now, if I could just get out of this tree. ===''Date with Destiny (2.2)''=== :'''Ernesto''': ''Buenos dias, mis estrellitas.'' Today, I am talking about the water sign. :'''Rosa''': Oh, Maria, that's you. :'''Ernesto''': A lifetime of happiness is in sight if… :'''Rosa, Ronnie Anne, and Bobby''': If… :'''Ernesto''': You're back with your ex by tonight. ''Es tu destino!'' :'''Rosa''': Maria, you're getting back together with Arturo. I knew it. :'''Maria''': Ugh, ay, Mama. You know I don't believe in any of that Ernesto stuff. :'''Carlos''': Yeah, me neither. But it's so weird because the other day he predicted… ''[flashback to the day he was brushing his teeth, squeezes the toothpaste tube and cash comes out]'' I'd find treasure in the bathroom. Check it out. It smells like mint. :'''Hector''': Money in the bathroom?! ''[dashes into the bathroom]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Maria''': Well, Ernesto's prediction for me can't possibly come true. I won't even be seeing Arturo today. I'm helping Frida with an art project all day, and Arturo is flying off to a medical convention in an hour. ''[walks away]'' :'''Rosa''': Trust me, ''mis niños,'' Ernesto's predictions ''always'' come true. :'''Bobby''': What if Ernesto ''is'' right? :'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom and Dad are ''not'' getting back together. ''Are'' they? :'''Bobby''': If they did, it would mean a lifetime of happiness for all of us! :'''Ronnie Anne''': I guess it's worth a shot. All we have to do is get them together by tonight and let the magic happen. :'''Rosa''': ''[pops up between them]'' You know, your mom and dad had their first date at the pier, so maybe if they met there. :'''Ronnie Anne''': Good idea, Abuela! I'll pick Mom up from the gallery. You stop Dad from getting on that plane. <hr width="50%"> :''[Ronnie Anne arrives at Frida's art studio, looking for her mother]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[looking around]'' Mom! Mom, are you here? :'''Maria''': ''[in a large orange piñata statue]'' Ronnie Anne, is that you? :'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, what happened to you? :'''Maria''': Frida. When I agreed to do this life-size mold for her art installation, I didn't expect to be in plaster for four hours. <hr width="50%"> :''[Bobby runs up to Arturo's place as he puts his suitcase in the taxi trunk]'' :'''Arturo''': Bobby, what are you doing here? I'm just on my way to the airport. :'''Bobby''': In a taxi? No, that's so impersonal. Let your son drive you. :'''Arturo''': No, ''mijo.'' It's okay. I don't want to be a bother. :'''Bobby''': It's no bother. And these taxis charge an arm and a leg to get to the airport. :''[The taxi driver clears his throat]'' :'''Arturo''': My company's paying for it. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronnie Anne''': Oh, no. We didn't do all this work just so another ex could swoop in and ruin everything! :'''Bobby''': Yeah, let that T-Bone find his ''own'' lifetime of happiness! :'''T-Bone''': Hey, would you like to have dinner with me tonight at our place? :'''Bobby''': They have a place?! :'''Maria''': ''[blushing]'' You remember the pizza place? I'll meet you there tonight at 7:00. I better go freshen up. ''[rushes off]'' :'''Ernesto''': You better fix this ''rapido'' or you're gonna be stuck with ''this'' guy! :'''Ronnie Anne''': We have to get rid of T-Bone and get Dad to the restaurant. :'''Bobby''': I'll grab Dad and meet you there! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, Dad, are you okay? :'''Arturo''': Mijo, what's gotten into you?! :'''Bobby''': ''We'' did all of this work to get you two here, so we can ''all'' have a lifetime of happiness! You're not leaving here until you get back together again, just like Ernesto said. :'''Maria''': So ''that's'' what this is about. :'''Arturo''': Huh? Can someone tell me what's going on? :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[sighs]'' Ernesto Estrella predicted you guys would get back together tonight. Hearing it out loud now, it does kind of sound silly, huh? :'''Maria''': ''[as she and Arturo smile at each other]'' I don't think it was silly. I mean, we are together tonight. :'''Arturo''': Just not romantically. :'''Bobby''': ''[disappointed]'' Yeah, but, it's just one dumb night. Not a lifetime. :'''Maria''': But we'll be a family for a lifetime. :''[The Santiagos all come in for a group hug]'' :'''Arturo''': And, hey, what if we made it a regular thing? A family pizza night every month. :'''Ernesto''': And BOOM! A lifetime of happiness after all. Ernesto is the best-o! Estrella out! ==''Curse of the Candy Goblin (Episode 3)''== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 4== ===''Skaters Gonna Hate (4.1)''=== :'''Sergio''': Hey, Carlos, who you spying on? :'''Carlos''': How'd you recognize me? And I'm not spying. I'm helping Ronnie Anne beat Tony Hawk's skate team by doing a little…research. :'''Sergio''': You mean, ''cheating?'' :'''Carlos''': I am ''not'' cheating! It's called, ''[shouting]'' RESEARCH! ===''Born to be Mild (4.2)''=== :'''Carl''': What was that all about? :'''Alexis''': Oh, the usual. ''[cleans out his tuba]'' Ricky and Julius picking on me like they do ''every'' day. :'''Carl''': Dude, you let them do this you ''every'' day? Why? :'''Alexis''': What choice do I have? I'm a hugger, not a fighter. :'''Carl''': Well, good luck with that. <hr width="50%"> :'''Alexis''': ''[on the stilts]'' Carl, what am I doing up here? ''[loses his balance]'' :'''Carl''': It's all about attitude! ''[on one of the stilts] ''We're building up your confidence.'' :'''Alexis''': By walking on stilts? :'''Carl''': It's an exercise. If you want to feel big you gotta act big! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': You messed with the ''wrong'' tuba boy! ''[munches on his nails, sharpening them]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Principal Valenzuela''': What is going on here?! :'''Carl''': Hey, Principal Valenzuela. So, funny story-- :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sharply]'' My office, now! ''[Later in her office]'' Okay, start talking. Who started this and why? :'''Carl, Alexis, Ricky and Julius''': They did! :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sighs]'' Fine. Then you're ''all'' going to be suspended! :'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' What?! :'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' Aw, man! :'''Alexis''': Does that mean I ''can't'' go to band practice? ''[starts to cry]'' :'''Carl''': Wait, it was my fault! Don't suspend Alexis! Suspend ''me!'' I wanted him to fight. I thought if he stood up for himself, he wouldn't get picked on anymore. :'''Alexis''': It's not all Carl's fault. He was just trying to help me, and he's right. I ''do'' need to stand up for myself. I just have to do it in my own way. ''[to Ricky and Julius]'' I really don't like when you guys put weird things in my tuba. It's hard to clean, and it always sounds bad afterwards. :'''Ricky''': But I like the funny sounds. ''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat as she seriously looks at both him and Julius; in unison]'' We're sorry. :'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' We won't do it again. :'''Alexis''': Great! So, now can we hug it out? :'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' Oh. :'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' What's a hug? :''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat again and grumbles]'' :'''Julius''': ''[sighs]'' Sure. :''[Alexis hugs both Ricky and Julius together, they all glow in shimmering gold]'' :'''Ricky''': I like hugs! :'''Julius''': Me too! :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Since you used your words to resolve this, no suspension this time. Bravo, boys. ''[The four boys start leaving her office, to Alexis for a second]'' One last thing, Mr. Flores. Are the rumors true? Did you really revenge-poop on a pigeon? ''[whispers]'' All the teachers are dying to know. :'''Alexis''': ''[shrugs]'' Maybe, maybe not. ''[leaves]'' :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[closes her office door]'' Sorry, ladies. I can't confirm ''or'' deny the rumors. :''[Ms. Galiano snaps her fingers in disbelief]'' ==Episode 5== ===''The Bros in the Band (5.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''For the Record (5.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 6== ===''15 Candles (6.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Rook, Line, & Sinker (6.2)''=== :''[Chavez Academy School; Carl and his parents are waiting in Principal Valenzuela's office]'' :'''Frida''': So you have no idea why Principal Valenzuela wanted to talk to us? :'''Carl''': Maybe I'm getting an award for best smile in school. :'''Frida and Carlos''': Hmm. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[enters her office]'' Mr. and Mrs. Casagrande… ''[annoyed]'' Carl, unfortunately, this ''isn't'' good news. :'''Frida''': So he ''didn't'' win best smile? :'''Principal Valenzuela''': No, Alexis won that. He flosses between every class. Carl was caught tricking kids out of their pudding snacks! :''[Frida and Carlos glare at their mijo]'' :'''Carl''': Come on. It was just one time with the pudding. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Just one time, huh? ''[opens up Carl's locker and pudding cups fall on him, much to his parents' horror]'' :'''Carl''': I'm sorry. I just love tricking people. Isn't that what you're always encouraging us do, Principal V, what we love? :'''Principal Valenzuela''': That is not what I meant! :'''Carlos''': We're so sorry, Principal Valenzuela. We're going to take care of this immediately. :'''Frida''': Carl, say you're sorry. (And stop eating the pudding!) :'''Carl''': ''[licking out a pudding cup, not listening]'' From the bottom of my heart, Principal V. You know, I'm gonna go home and have a good long think about my actions. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Oh? Glad to hear it. :'''Carl''': And since I'll be so busy thinking, I'll need to skip homework tonight. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Naturally. :'''Carl''': Great. Mom, Dad, let's go. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[realizes]'' Wait, no homework?! '''''CARL!''''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': ''[enters his and CJ's room, eating more pudding, finding his padre observing the ants in an ant farm]'' Dad, what's with the bugs? :'''Carlos''': Your mother and I think you need a new hobby other than tricking people, so I thought we'd try science. Check it out a real live ant farm three thousand ants digging a tunnel to their queen. :'''Carl''': ''[not interested]'' I wish I could dig a tunnel out of this room. ''[starts tapping the ant farm]'' Stop being boring. :'''Carlos''': Carl, let's not tap the plastic. <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> :'''Carlos''': ''[getting a call from Principal Valenzuela]'' Hey, Principal Valenzuela. ''[Frida gasps in excitement to hear the upcoming news]'' Are you calling to tell us what a good job we did with Carl? :'''Principal Valenzuela''': No! He's somehow worse than before! He tricked the teachers out of giving him tests for the rest of the year! He also keeps calling everyone pawns and saying "checkmate". :'''Carlos''': ''[gasps in horror]'' Carl's now using chess to ''trick'' people! :'''Frida''': ''[starts to sob]'' Oh, no. I'm so sorry, Principal Valenzuela! :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Actually, it's Hall Monitor Valenzuela. Carl tricked me out of my job. ''He's'' the principal now! :'''Carl''': ''[comes out of the office]'' Hey, Valenzuela, quit dawdling. That hall's not gonna monitor itself. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[growls]'' Argh! FIX THIS! :'''Carlos''': Ooh. I've created a monster. ''[looks at the chess board and gets an idea]'' There's only one thing to do - we have to ''beat'' Carl at his own game. <hr width="50%"> ==''The Golden Curse (Episode 7)''== :''[The Casagrandes are all making decorations for Paco and Paulina's wedding; Ronnie Anne, Carl, and CJ have prepared the wedding cake]'' :'''Rosa''': ''[enters the apartment with Mama Lupe and Paco]'' Look, everyone, it's Mama Lupe and Paco, our handsome groom. :'''Frida''': ''Hola.'' :'''Maria''': ''Bienvenidos.'' :'''Carlos''': Hi, Mama Lupe. :'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' ''Primo,'' ready to clip your wings-- I mean, get married? :'''Paco''': ''Claro que si.'' I can't wait to marry ''mi amor,'' Paulina. She's the wind beneath my wings. :'''Sergio''': Maybe you should keep her beneath your wing. I mean, real catch. :'''Mama Lupe''': Oh, ''[hugs Paco tightly]'' I can't believe ''mi bebe'' is finally getting married. ''[sits on the couch and claps]'' Oh, I could almost cry. :'''Frida''': ''[tearfully]'' Leave that to me. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': On to more important matters, decide on a best man yet? ''[clears throat]'' Say, "Sergio." :'''Paco''': I'm not sure, ''primo.'' It's a big responsibility. :'''Sergio''': Ah, come on, I'm responsible. ''[almost knocks the lamp off; chuckles]'' Hey, plus, I'll throw the best bachelor party ever! ''[hugs his primo, beggingly]'' Please. Oh, please. ''Por favor.'' ''[whimpers while making sad eyes]'' :'''Paco''': Okay, Sergio. Of course you can be my best man. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[waking up]'' Ah, best bachelor party ever. ''[checking his pockets]'' Still got everything? Let's see: wallet, keys, phone, ''las arras.'' ''[holds up the bag and notices a hole in it]'' Ah, crackers! <hr width="50%"> :'''Paco''': ''[squawks after his wedding suit rips and falls off from his body]'' My suit! Must have been the pepperoni I ate last night. It made me bloat. <hr width="50%"> :'''Paco''': Finally, I'm free! ''[looks in shock to see everything in a disaster]'' :'''Stanley''': Boy, bird weddings are fun! :'''Paco''': What's going on? :'''Mama Lupe''': Bad luck, that's what. :'''Rosa''': Nonsense. Every wedding has its setback. :''[The chandelier suddenly falls on the wedding arch]'' :'''Mama Lupe''': This is more than setbacks, it can only be due to one thing. ''Las arras!'' :''[Guitar riff is heard, revealing Hector having to fix his guitar]'' :'''Hector''': Ah, I fixed the strings. ''[the guitar strings break again]'' Chihuahua. :'''Rosa''': Sergio, I thought you said you got ''all'' thirteen coins. :'''Sergio''': I did, I'll prove it. ''[takes out the coins and counts them himself]'' …ten, eleven, thirteen. Booyah! :'''Carl''': You forgot twelve, genius. :'''Rosa''': ''[gasps]'' That means that one lucky coin is still missing! :'''Mama Lupe''': Missing?! ''[grinds her teeth with rage and tries to go after Sergio while the whole family tries to slow her down]'' Let me at him! ''[calms down]'' Aye, without the last lucky coin, the marriage will be cursed with bad luck forever. :''[Paulina has arrived just in time to hear that her and Paco's wedding is and will always be ruined]'' :'''Paco''': Paulina, my love! We don't need luck. ''[Paulina starts to sobbing in tears and runs away; turns to his primo, angrily]'' Thanks a lot, Sergio. You ruined my wedding! ''[flies after Paulina to console her]'' Paulina, please, come back! :'''Sergio''': I guess Paco was right to doubt me, I'm not best man material. ==Episode 8== ===''Let's Get Ready to Rumba (8.1)''=== :'''Rosa''': Hector, what are you doing under the table? :'''Ivan''': Huh! ''You're'' the health inspector who shut down my studio. :'''Sergio''': Ooh, this is gonna be good! ''[eats a bucket of popcorn]'' :'''Rosa''': ''Him?'' He's not a health inspector. He's my husband. :'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Awkward. :'''Ivan''': It seems like you two have a lot to talk about. I'm going to reopen my studio. :'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Time to bounce, everyone! :''[Ivan and the others leave the apartment]'' :'''Rosa''': Hector Casagrande, explain. :'''Hector''': Well, I was tired of hearing you talk about Ivan and his dance class, okay? So, I thought if I shut it down, that would be the end of it. :'''Rosa''': ''[sharped]'' Hector, how could you be ''so'' selfish?! I don't want to talk to you right now. ''[walks to the door, ripping it off, and leaves]'' :'''Bruno''': ''[walks in along with Vito]'' Gee, who could have seen this coming? :'''Hector''': Aww. I need to fix this. :'''Sergio''': ''[burps]'' And I need more popcorn. ===''Perro Malo (8.2)''=== :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[finds Malo scratching his ear, thinking he is Lalo]'' Oh! There you are. ''[picks up the leash and goes towards home as Malo struggles to go the other way]'' That's enough, Lalo. I took you for a walk. Now, let's go home. ''[a man passes them as they go and Malo barks at him]'' What's gotten into you? :'''Becky''': ''[finds Lalo rolling around in a bush, thinking he is Malo]'' There you are, Malo! ''[Lalo licks her in the face, revolted]'' Ew! Kisses? What's gotten into you? <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronnie Anne''': You're lucky you didn't have to walk Lalo. He is ''not'' in a fun mood. :''[Malo chews, rips off, and throws the couch's armrest which Hector is napping on, causing him to roll onto the floor, waking him up]'' :'''Hector''': Hey, Lalo! Why did you do that?! Now I have to go nap in the mercado. :'''Carl''': ''[after Malo takes a bite out of his El Falcón action figure]'' Hey! Lalo ate El Falcón's head! :'''Carlota''': ''[bare-footed as Malo starts chewing on her pair of boots by the door]'' Those are my new boots! :'''Bobby''': Lalo, what's going on with you? ''[screams as Malo bares his teeth, growling at him]'' :'''Carlota''': We better figure it out. Abuelo hates when pets misbehave. :'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' I woke him up once. Almost made parrot tacos out of me. :'''CJ''': Parrot tacos? Ew! :'''Sergio''': Hey! I'd make a great taco. ''[Malo visualizes him as a taco and tries to eat him; flies away]'' I take it back! I'd make a terrible taco! <hr width="50%"> :'''Maybelle''': ''[after Malo barges into the mercado, knocking her over]'' This is an awful shopping experience! :'''Hector''': Grab his leash before he destroys my entire mercado! :'''Bobby''': I got this! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronnie Anne''': I can't believe this is the last time we'll ever see Lalo. :'''CJ''': I'm gonna miss him so much. :'''Carlota''': ''[starts sobbing]'' This is the saddest day ever! ''[waters her eyes like Frida's]'' Ay, I've turned into Mom. <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': Wait a minute. There's ''two'' of them?! :''[Lalo and Malo go to their real owners after sniffing each other's tails]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[after Lalo licks her]'' Now ''this'' is our Lalo. :'''Becky''': ''[growls back at Malo after he growls at her]'' And this is ''my'' Malo! :'''Carlota''': Okay, I don't follow. :'''Hector''': I think I know what's going on. When I adopted Lalo, I chose from a litter of ''perritos.'' ''[Flashback to the day he adopted Lalo as a puppy]'' But one of them was clearly not for our familia. I called it a perro malo. And the woman giving the puppies away said Malo was the perfect name, 'cause he was bad to the bone. Then I saw another puppy who was the complete opposite, showing me lots of love. So I decided to call him, Lalo! :''[Flashback ends]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': They must have switched places when I was walking Lalo. I should have been paying attention to him instead of trying to watch the show. ''[to Lalo]'' I'm so sorry, boy. ==Episode 9== ===''Don't Zoo That (9.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> :'''Mrs. Chang''': Last badge, habitat maintenance. :'''Carl''': Awesome! I'm great at that. ''[confused]'' Uh, what is that? :'''Mrs. Chang''': It means you'll be building a home for one of our new and endangered animals. Lois, the Galapagos Tortoise. :'''CJ''': She's beautiful! :'''Mrs. Chang''': Yes she is, CJ, and she needs a special habitat to thrive. ''[points to bamboos and rocks as materials]'' Here are some building materials. Okay, good luck. Be back in a sec! Oh, and keep this gate closed. Lois likes to run out. ''[closes the gate and leaves]'' :'''Adelaide''': As group leader, I say we use bamboo for the base of a shelter. :'''Carl''': No way, we should use rocks. :'''Adelaide''': Fine, then I'm doing my ''own'' habitat. <hr width="50%"> ===''Maxed Out (9.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 10== ===''Skatey Cat (10.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Weather Beaten (10.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 11== ===''Race Against the Machine (11.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''My Fair Cat Lady (11.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 12== ===''Survival of the Unfittest (12.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Nixed Signals (12.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 13== ===''Ay Fidelity (13.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Cut the Chisme (13.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> :''[Evening at the Casagrande apartment]'' :'''Hector''': ''[entering]'' ''Hola,'' I'm home! Ho, you guys will never believe what Vito wears to bed. ''[sees his whole family, really annoyed at him]'' What? You already know about the bunny pajamas? :'''Carl''': No, Abuelo. This is a convention. :'''Carlos''': Actually Carl, the word is, "intervention." :'''Rosa''': Hector, your chisme addiction is embarrassing your family. :'''Bobby''': And making the customers mad. :'''Frida''': You're a chismoso. And by that I mean, you're the biggest gossip in town. :'''Hector''': What?! I'm not a gossip! <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 14== ===''Sidekickin' Chicken (14.1)''=== :'''Alexis''': It is I, Tuba Boy! :'''Sergio''': Tuba Boy? :''[Carl and Sergio see Alexis, in his Tuba Boy superhero costume with his mom recording]'' :'''Alexis''': Look, Mama! Tuba Boy, tu-ba rescue! :'''Carl''': Alexis is submitting a sidekick too? :'''Sergio''': And his costume looks amazing. :'''Carl''': Yeah, and mine's trash. I really need to step it up if I'm gonna win this contest! <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': ''[bumps into Adelaide, in her Pandalaide superhero costume]'' Adelaide, are you doing the contest too? :'''Adelaide''': Better believe it. The name's Pandalaide! I've got panda power and sweet panda dance moves! :'''Carl''': But you don't even watch "El Falcón." :'''Adelaide''': You're right, 'cause the show has no strong female character, but that's where I come in! <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': Ooh, the letter from the show! ''[reading]'' "Dear Carl Casagrande, thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, we didn't find El Pollito to be a very convincing sidekick." ''[whimpers with heartbreak]'' What? :'''Sergio''': Sorry, Carl. Crackers on me tonight. :'''Alexis''': ''[showing up along with Adelaide]'' Carl, we made it into the final round! What about you? :'''Carl''': ''[tearing up, upset]'' I-I didn't make it. ''[lays his head flat on the ground, sobbing]'' :'''Alexis''': Hey, you seem upset. You want a hug? It's one of Tuba Boy's powers. :'''Carl''': No, I'm fine! Everything's fine! :'''Adelaide''': Okay. Well, wish us luck. :'''Carl''': ''[crumples up the letter, angrily]'' These judges got it all wrong! El Pollito's not convincing? Oh, I'll convince them all right! :'''Sergio''': Ooh, whatcha thinking? Blackmail? I know a pigeon. :'''Carl''': No, we're gonna make another tape to prove the judges wrong. This time, we'll show El Pollito doing heroic acts. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bobby''': Carl, what's wrong with you?! :'''Carl''': I'm stopping Miranda from stealing all the newspapers. Read all about it! El Pollito saves the day! :'''Miranda''': ''[annoyed]'' I'm recycling them. These are from yesterday. <hr width="50%"> :'''Adelaide''': We did it! You're safe now. ''[unties Sergio]'' :'''Sergio''': My heroes! :'''Adelaide''': Sergio? :'''Alexis''': Why are you dressed as a baby? :'''Sergio''': Carl's idea! He wanted to look like a hero for the show. :''[Carl frees himself and falls flat on the ground]'' :'''Adelaide''': Carl, you put Sergio in ''real'' danger just to rescue him? :'''Carl''': ''[sighs sadly]'' It's true. I wanted to convince the show they were wrong for not picking me, but obviously, I totally blew it. Sorry. Turns out, I'm not much of a hero. :'''Sergio''': You're telling me. ===''Silent Fight (14.2)''=== :'''Frida''': ''[whispering angrily to Carl and CJ, breaking up their fighting]'' Are you kidding me?! If either of you wakes Carlitos… ''[fiercely]'' …'''you're grounded for a month!''' No, '''''two months!''''' <hr width="50%"> :''[Carl runs off and throws CJ's hair clippers out the window, shaving Vito's head]'' :'''Vito''': Hey, free haircut! :'''CJ''': ''[whispers]'' My clippers. ''[growls at Carl; dashes off and back with Carl's El Falcón shoes, and throws them out the window]'' :'''Vito''': (Huh?) Hey, free shoes! ''[puts the shoes on his feet]'' Check out my new look. <hr width="50%"> :'''Frida''': ''[wakes up and sees Carl and CJ trying to tiptoe out of the room after they woke up Carlitos, making him cry]'' Hold it right there! That's it! You two are grounded! :'''CJ''': But... :'''Carl''': Mom... :'''Carlos''': And why are you dressed as sheep? :'''Frida''': I don't even care! No buts, no moms. Go to your room, and I better not hear a peep from either one of you for the rest of the afternoon! :'''CJ and Carl''': This is your fault! :'''Frida''': ''[angrily whispering]'' Hey, I said, not…a…'''''peep'''''. <hr width="50%"> :'''Carlos''': Look at that, Frida! They managed to make up on their own. :'''Frida''': Shh! :'''Carlos''': Oops. Sorry, Frida. I got too excited. :''[Carlitos starts wailing off-screen]'' :'''Frida''': ''[angrily]'' And now, ''YOU'RE'' grounded! ''[walks off]'' :'''Carlos''': Wait, for how long?! ==Episode 15== ===''Kick Some Bot (15.1)''=== :'''Adelaide''': Mom, Sid. Mom. Guess what? My unicorn princess outfit won first place for Cutest Cosplay! ''[holds up a 1st place ribbon]'' :'''Becca''': Honey, that is the most amazing news I've ever heard. I'm so proud of you! :'''Adelaide''': Thanks. I deserved it. Look at me! ''[pulls a string on her party horn, shooting out confetti and lands on Sid]'' :'''Becca''': I'll add this ribbon to the Adelaide Wall of Fame. :'''Sid''': Keep some shelf space open for me. I finished a whole slice of pizza in one bite. It took a lot of courage in mouth space, but I didn't give up. ''[stretches her mouth open wide]'' :'''Becca''': Wow, a whole slice. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sid''': ''[while braiding Ronnie Anne's hair]'' My mom was giving Adelaide ''all'' the attention, and I was sitting there like, "Hello? I'm your daughter too." :'''Ronnie Anne''': Ugh. Sounds rough. I'm impressed with your pizza eating abilities. :'''Sid''': Thanks, but I feel like I have to do something big to make her proud of me. Ooh! I know! Maybe I'll eat ''two'' slices of pizza in one bite! Hit me, Breakfast Bot! ''[stretches her mouth wide open and Breakfast Bot stuffs the two pizza slices into her mouth]'' Pretty impressive, right? :'''Ronnie Anne''': Uh, that's cool, but you're also awesome with robots. :'''Breakfast Bot''': '''You know it, girl.''' :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[holding up her phone]'' And look! There's a Robotics Competition coming up right here in Great Lakes City! :'''Sid''': Winning that would definitely impress my mom! ''[burps]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[groans from the smell]'' Too bad there isn't a Strongest Pepperoni Burp Competition. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sid''': From the looks of things, I could actually win this. :'''Lisa''': ''[showing up; clears throat]'' Maybe you need your vision checked because your competition just got stiffer. :'''Sid''': Lisa Loud?! I subscribed to your monthly newsletter! You're competing too? :'''Lisa''': Yep. ''[presses her wrist watch]'' Todd, initiate grand entrance. ''[Todd emerges from the smoke cloud and zooms off with his name written in cloud form, as Sid watches in shock with her jaw dropped]'' May the best bot win. <hr width="50%"> :''[Vito and Robbie are eliminated after Robbie failed to make a slam dunk in the hoop]'' :'''Vito''': Let's get you some ice cream. :'''Robbie''': '''Rocky Road always cheers me up.''' <hr width="50%"> ]'' :'''Breakfast Bot''': ''[presenting his plate of a stack of pancakes to the judges during the semifinal challenge]'' '''I make this look ''and'' taste good.''' :'''Judge #1''': ''[amazed]'' Ah, looks delicious! :'''Judge #3''': Wow! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sid''': Todd even outdid us at breakfast, and you're Breakfast Bot! This is gonna be harder than we thought. :'''Breakfast Bot''': '''This isn't your best pep talk.''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Breakfast Bot''': ''[putting on a Lucha wrestling mask]'' '''Activate''' '''''Lucha Fight Mode!''''' :'''Sid''': Oh, no! I didn't realize I put the Lucha disc in there! It's programmed to wrestle all the other robots! ===''Salvador Doggy (15.2)''=== :'''Frida''': ''[angrily punches her painting with a hole]'' Terrible! You call this art?! ''[throws her painting on the ground, kicks it, and starts to sob]'' My showcase is tomorrow and I have no work to showcase at the showcase! This is the ''worst'' painter's block I've had in years. Oh, I know. I can listen to my favorite podcast. That should help. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[enters the apartment, wearing a scuba suit]'' Ready for our scuba lesson? ''[Lalo explains to him, gesturing the painting]'' You squiggled on paper. Congrats. ''[Lalo continues explaining]'' You gotta make ten more? For Frida? What's in it for you? Diddly-squat? Hold up. It's time I teach you about the law of supply and demand. If you're gonna supply, you gotta demand. :''[Later, Frida returns with supplies]'' :'''Frida''': Lalo, I'm back! Ready to paint? :'''Sergio''': ''[halting her]'' Not so fast. I'm Lalo's manager. ''[takes out a fake business card]'' For every painting my client makes, he's gotta get something out of it too. As does his manager. If you could, uh, please sign this contract. ''[takes out a lengthy contract]'' :'''Frida''': Ugh, fine. Anything to get more paintings. ''[signs the contract]'' :'''Sergio''': Initial here, here, here, here, here. Don't forget there. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': And now my client will be retiring for the evening. :'''Frida''': What?! But I need more paintings by tomorrow. :'''Sergio''': And Lalo needs his beauty sleep. He can finish in the morning. ''[he and Lalo leave]'' :'''Frida''': ''[growls angrily and lets out a scream so loud it can be heard outside the apartment; sighs while preparing for bed]'' Well, hopefully we can get the rest finished tomorrow. ''[finds Sergio in the bed and shrieks]'' :'''Sergio''': Excuse me. The artiste is trying to sleep. :'''Frida''': ''[confused]'' What? ''[lifts the covers, revealing Lalo snoring]'' Lalo?! But this is ''my'' bed! Where am I supposed to sleep?! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[yawns]'' Slept like a baby. That bed is comfy. Don't just stand there. Here's our breakfast order. ''[unveils a long breakfast list]'' :'''Frida''': ''[furiously losing it]'' That's it! ''[rips up the list]'' The deal's off! I'll find another artist, Lalo! You're not the only dog in town! ''[storms off]'' :'''Sergio''': Sheesh. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the doggy bed. <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 16== ===''The Wrust Job (16.1)''=== :'''Sid''': Oh, man. I wanna intern at your mercado with Mr. Inflatable. That guy gets to wave hello to people all day. :'''Ronnie Anne''': I wanna work at Bruno's hot dog cart. What could be easier than serving the world's greatest hot dogs for a week? It'll be a breeze. <hr width="50%"> :'''Vito''': Remember, Sameer, a hot dog for breakfast is the most important dog of the day. Let's see how you are at ordering. :'''Sameer''': Two dogs for Mr. Vito, please. :'''Vito''': Whoa! Very good! You are going places, mister. :'''Ronnie Anne''': Sameer, are you interning for Vito? :'''Sameer''': Yeah. I was wondered what he did for a living. :'''Ronnie Anne''': So, what does he do? :'''Sameer''': I don't know. He says he's about to make a comeback, but, comeback to what? It's a mystery. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bruno''': Now that we're done with the morning rush, it's time to study up on the menu. :'''Ronnie Anne''': Not to brag, but, I've eaten your Dragged Through the Garden dog like, a million times. :'''Bruno''': That's great, but, I got 50 other dogs. If you're gonna sell 'em, then you gotta know how they taste. :'''Ronnie Anne''': I thought you'd never ask! <hr width="50%"> :''[As Ronnie Anne wakes up the next morning, she notices that her family has disappeared, except for Lalo, who's still at the mercado]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': Hey, Sid. Have you seen my family? :'''Sid''': Everyone just went to the park for the hot dog eating contest. :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[worried with shock]'' Oh, no! If Bruno sees Bobby there, he'll know I was lying! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bruno''': Ronnie Anne? What are you doing here? :'''Ronnie Anne''': I'm sorry, Bruno. I lied about Bobby breaking his arm. I didn't want to come to work today because I didn't realize how hard your job is. But I'm here now, and I'm gonna help you. :'''Bruno''': I appreciate the apology, Ronnie Anne, but it's too late. I'm a laughing stock. ===''The Sound of Meddle (16.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 17== ===''Alpaca Lies (17.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Rocket Plan (17.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==''Phantom Freakout (Episode 18)''== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> :'''Director''': CUT! Someone clean up that mess, and stop playing that nightmare music! :'''Sid''': This is ''not'' going the way I planned, but I did get to smell Yoon Kwan just now, so it's kinda going how I planned. <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 19== ===''The Odd Father (19.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''The Long Shot (19.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 20== ===''Flock This Way (20.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Movers and Fakers (20.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==External links== [[Category:Children's television seasons]] hotpya7f7mqggfajr6ovstj15rx017v 3157896 3157894 2022-08-25T17:27:05Z 162.197.99.132 /* Kick Some Bot (15.1) */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---------------- :'''Seasons:''' [[The Loud House/Season 1|1]] [[The Loud House/Season 2|2]] [[The Loud House/Season 3|3]] [[The Loud House/Season 4|4]] [[The Loud House/Season 5|5]] [[The Loud House/Season 6|6]] ([[The Loud House|Main]]) | '''[[The Casagrandes|Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]]) --------------- ==Episode 1== ===''Bend It Like Abuelo (1.1)''=== :'''Ronnie Anne, Sergio, and CJ''': Gatos, Gatos, Gatos, Gatos! :'''Rosa''': ''[bursts into the mercado with a broomstick]'' Gatos?! Where, where?! :'''Ronnie Anne''': Not ''real'' cats, Abuela. ''[points to the orange team banner]'' The soccer team! :'''Rosa''': Oh. Well, when those ''real'' gatos get here, I'll be ready. ''[leaves the mercado]'' :'''Vito''': I don't know what you's are so excited about. Everyone knows the gatos lose every game. :'''Hector''': This is not just a game. ''[rips off his sweater, revealing a gato t-shirt]'' It's the Crosslake Championship! :'''Vito''': ''[mockingly]'' Oh. So they're gonna be big losers! I've got my money on anyone who's ''not'' The Gatos. ''[rips off his own shirt, revealing a t-shirt with a "No" sign covering the team logo]'' :'''Hector''': ''[aghast; comes from behind the counter and bumps Vito]'' Just wait. Our star player, Picosito, is gonna win this year. When he's hot, ay-yi-yi, he's hot! :'''Vito''': Too bad he's been ice cold for years. <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> :'''Hector''': I'm never washing my head again! :'''Rosa''': When did you start? <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Bunstoppable (1.2)''=== :''[Stanley is telling Sid, Adelaide, Breakfast Bot, and the three pets a story about their ancestors in a book]'' :'''Stanley''': ''[narrating the story]'' ''Once upon a time, thousands of years ago, our ancestors lived in Clear Water Village. They farmed the land and enjoyed a peaceful life, until one day, the village was attacked by the infamous Han Family Bandits!'' ''[imitating the bandits]'' ''"Hand over all your food or we will destroy your village!"'' :'''Adelaide''': Oh, no! And then they destroyed it? :'''Sid''': Shh! Dad's getting to that! Dad, can you get to that? :'''Stanley''': As I was saying, our calm wise, ''and very handsome Ancestor Chang,'' who some say looks a lot like me… :'''Adelaide''': Focus, Dad! :'''Stanley''': ''[clears throat]'' He realized that the Han family's hunger had driven them to a life of crime. So, he offered them a challenge. ''If he gave them something more delicious than anything they'd ever tasted, they'd have to spare the village. The bandits scoffed, but then Ancestor Chang gave them his goldfish bao, it delighted their eyes, filled their stomachs, and energized their bodies! The bandits lost the challenge! The Han family was so moved, that they gave up their evil ways and became the protectors of Clear Water Village.'' And ''that's'' the story of how this bao recipe saved the day. ''[holds up a goldfish bao, which sparkles]'' It's been passed down through our family for generations. :'''All''': Ooh! :'''Stanley''': ''[to his daughters]'' And now, it's time for me to pass the recipe down to ''you'' two, so you can make bao for the Chinese Cultural Fair today. ''[sniffles a bit with tears streaming down from his eyes]'' My little buns, making their first buns! :'''Sid''': ''[patting her father on the back; touched]'' Aw, Dad. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stanley''': I gotta go to the park and snag the best spot before Mike Liu gets there. ''[chuckles]'' Oh, and I'm gonna need you to make 800 bao just like those two. :'''Sid''': ''[chuckles weakly]'' It sounded like he said eight hundred. :'''Stanley''': I did. Better get started. See you at the park. ''[leaves again]'' :'''Adelaide''': But it took us forever to make ''two!'' :'''Sid''': ''[whining]'' At this rate, we'll be Dad's age by the time we finish! There ''HAS'' to be a better way! ''[gets an idea]'' That's it! <hr width="50%"> :'''Vito''': ''[while Hui warms up his nunchucks]'' Oh, bunch of tough guys, huh? ''[starts swinging his linked sausage nunchucks around, but manages to snare himself]'' Is it over? Did I win? :'''Maybelle''': ''[while wrestling with Woo over her grocery bag]'' You ain't gettin' these mangoes! ''[kicks Woo away]'' <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 2== ===''Squawk in the Name of Love (2.1)''=== :''[Carl and Adelaide find Sergio laying on the couch, bawling in tears while binging ice cream]'' :'''Adelaide''': Are you okay, Sergio? :'''Sergio''': Priscilla dumped me…''AGAIN!'' ''[sobbing]'' :'''Adelaide''': Oh. I'm so sorry, Sergio. :'''Carl''': You guys break up all the time. Just find a new girlfriend. There's plenty of birds in the sky. :'''Sergio''': I tried. Total fail. ''[Flashback to the moments of him trying to get a new girlfriend bird]'' One had terrible manners. ''[The female pelican launches a fish at him and he falls off]'' One just didn't listen. ''[holds up his phone showing a photo of Ronnie Anne to an owl]'' And for the fifth time, this is Ronnie Anne. ''[The owl hoots and he face palms himself; then seen having a dinner date with a female eagle]'' One was too aggressive. So, you like smaller birds? ''[The female eagle caws and picks him up and flies off into the sky; fading back to present]'' None lived up to sweet Priscilla. :'''Adelaide''': Why did she dump you? :'''Sergio''': No idea. ''[holds up his phone, showing them a photo of Priscilla annoyingly massaging his feet]'' Look at all the fun we had together. This is her giving me a foot massage, ''[scrolls down to another photo of them at Sancho's place]'' this is us at Sancho's watching the game, ''[scrolls to another photo of her massaging his feet while still at Sancho's]'' this is her giving me a foot massage ''while'' watching the game. :'''Adelaide''': She looks miserable! :'''Sergio''': Nah. That's just her resting ostrich face. ''[scrolls to a photo of Priscilla]'' :'''Adelaide''': It's clear what the problem is. You didn't treat her like a princess. It's okay, I can teach you how to act like a prince and win her back. :'''Sergio''': I'm not so sure. :''[The female eagle caws from outside the window, staring deadly at Sergio]'' :'''Carl''': Look, the eagle's back for a second day! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[with a bump on his head and a black eye, after getting hit by a microphone, via, thrown by Priscilla]'' And then she threw the microphone at me! :'''Adelaide''': Sounds like you deserved it. I'm up for you to write a song about Priscilla, and how you feel about her. :'''Sergio''': Ohhh. :'''Adelaide''': What if you surprised her with a delicious picnic? :'''Sergio''': Yeah. She'll love it. I'll get her a ''real'' feast. <hr width="50%"> :'''Adelaide''': Bow and kiss the queen's hand, then say the following. :'''Sergio''': Frank, Estelle, it is truly an honor. ''[kisses Estelle's foot, much to her approval]'' :'''Adelaide''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside lovely Priscilla. :'''Sergio''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside ugly Priscilla. :'''Adelaide''': I said lovely, you dope! :'''Sergio''': ''[stammering]'' I said lovely, you dope! Uh, I mean, you're so dope. High five. What? :'''Adelaide''': The moment I laid my eyes on her, I said to myself… ''[starts hitting the radio as it starts crackling and randomly plays country music]'' :'''Sergio''': ''[starts square dancing]'' Yee-haw! You're listening to GLC's number one country station. <hr width="50%"> :'''Adelaide''': ''[fighting with Nico as he plays along with the radio]'' Uh… Not now, you monkey! :'''Sergio''': Uh… ''[snapping]'' NOT NOW, YOU MONKEY! <hr width="50%"> :'''Adelaide''': Aww, so sweet. And they lived happily ever after. Now, if I could just get out of this tree. ===''Date with Destiny (2.2)''=== :'''Ernesto''': ''Buenos dias, mis estrellitas.'' Today, I am talking about the water sign. :'''Rosa''': Oh, Maria, that's you. :'''Ernesto''': A lifetime of happiness is in sight if… :'''Rosa, Ronnie Anne, and Bobby''': If… :'''Ernesto''': You're back with your ex by tonight. ''Es tu destino!'' :'''Rosa''': Maria, you're getting back together with Arturo. I knew it. :'''Maria''': Ugh, ay, Mama. You know I don't believe in any of that Ernesto stuff. :'''Carlos''': Yeah, me neither. But it's so weird because the other day he predicted… ''[flashback to the day he was brushing his teeth, squeezes the toothpaste tube and cash comes out]'' I'd find treasure in the bathroom. Check it out. It smells like mint. :'''Hector''': Money in the bathroom?! ''[dashes into the bathroom]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Maria''': Well, Ernesto's prediction for me can't possibly come true. I won't even be seeing Arturo today. I'm helping Frida with an art project all day, and Arturo is flying off to a medical convention in an hour. ''[walks away]'' :'''Rosa''': Trust me, ''mis niños,'' Ernesto's predictions ''always'' come true. :'''Bobby''': What if Ernesto ''is'' right? :'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom and Dad are ''not'' getting back together. ''Are'' they? :'''Bobby''': If they did, it would mean a lifetime of happiness for all of us! :'''Ronnie Anne''': I guess it's worth a shot. All we have to do is get them together by tonight and let the magic happen. :'''Rosa''': ''[pops up between them]'' You know, your mom and dad had their first date at the pier, so maybe if they met there. :'''Ronnie Anne''': Good idea, Abuela! I'll pick Mom up from the gallery. You stop Dad from getting on that plane. <hr width="50%"> :''[Ronnie Anne arrives at Frida's art studio, looking for her mother]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[looking around]'' Mom! Mom, are you here? :'''Maria''': ''[in a large orange piñata statue]'' Ronnie Anne, is that you? :'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, what happened to you? :'''Maria''': Frida. When I agreed to do this life-size mold for her art installation, I didn't expect to be in plaster for four hours. <hr width="50%"> :''[Bobby runs up to Arturo's place as he puts his suitcase in the taxi trunk]'' :'''Arturo''': Bobby, what are you doing here? I'm just on my way to the airport. :'''Bobby''': In a taxi? No, that's so impersonal. Let your son drive you. :'''Arturo''': No, ''mijo.'' It's okay. I don't want to be a bother. :'''Bobby''': It's no bother. And these taxis charge an arm and a leg to get to the airport. :''[The taxi driver clears his throat]'' :'''Arturo''': My company's paying for it. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronnie Anne''': Oh, no. We didn't do all this work just so another ex could swoop in and ruin everything! :'''Bobby''': Yeah, let that T-Bone find his ''own'' lifetime of happiness! :'''T-Bone''': Hey, would you like to have dinner with me tonight at our place? :'''Bobby''': They have a place?! :'''Maria''': ''[blushing]'' You remember the pizza place? I'll meet you there tonight at 7:00. I better go freshen up. ''[rushes off]'' :'''Ernesto''': You better fix this ''rapido'' or you're gonna be stuck with ''this'' guy! :'''Ronnie Anne''': We have to get rid of T-Bone and get Dad to the restaurant. :'''Bobby''': I'll grab Dad and meet you there! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, Dad, are you okay? :'''Arturo''': Mijo, what's gotten into you?! :'''Bobby''': ''We'' did all of this work to get you two here, so we can ''all'' have a lifetime of happiness! You're not leaving here until you get back together again, just like Ernesto said. :'''Maria''': So ''that's'' what this is about. :'''Arturo''': Huh? Can someone tell me what's going on? :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[sighs]'' Ernesto Estrella predicted you guys would get back together tonight. Hearing it out loud now, it does kind of sound silly, huh? :'''Maria''': ''[as she and Arturo smile at each other]'' I don't think it was silly. I mean, we are together tonight. :'''Arturo''': Just not romantically. :'''Bobby''': ''[disappointed]'' Yeah, but, it's just one dumb night. Not a lifetime. :'''Maria''': But we'll be a family for a lifetime. :''[The Santiagos all come in for a group hug]'' :'''Arturo''': And, hey, what if we made it a regular thing? A family pizza night every month. :'''Ernesto''': And BOOM! A lifetime of happiness after all. Ernesto is the best-o! Estrella out! ==''Curse of the Candy Goblin (Episode 3)''== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 4== ===''Skaters Gonna Hate (4.1)''=== :'''Sergio''': Hey, Carlos, who you spying on? :'''Carlos''': How'd you recognize me? And I'm not spying. I'm helping Ronnie Anne beat Tony Hawk's skate team by doing a little…research. :'''Sergio''': You mean, ''cheating?'' :'''Carlos''': I am ''not'' cheating! It's called, ''[shouting]'' RESEARCH! ===''Born to be Mild (4.2)''=== :'''Carl''': What was that all about? :'''Alexis''': Oh, the usual. ''[cleans out his tuba]'' Ricky and Julius picking on me like they do ''every'' day. :'''Carl''': Dude, you let them do this you ''every'' day? Why? :'''Alexis''': What choice do I have? I'm a hugger, not a fighter. :'''Carl''': Well, good luck with that. <hr width="50%"> :'''Alexis''': ''[on the stilts]'' Carl, what am I doing up here? ''[loses his balance]'' :'''Carl''': It's all about attitude! ''[on one of the stilts] ''We're building up your confidence.'' :'''Alexis''': By walking on stilts? :'''Carl''': It's an exercise. If you want to feel big you gotta act big! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': You messed with the ''wrong'' tuba boy! ''[munches on his nails, sharpening them]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Principal Valenzuela''': What is going on here?! :'''Carl''': Hey, Principal Valenzuela. So, funny story-- :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sharply]'' My office, now! ''[Later in her office]'' Okay, start talking. Who started this and why? :'''Carl, Alexis, Ricky and Julius''': They did! :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sighs]'' Fine. Then you're ''all'' going to be suspended! :'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' What?! :'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' Aw, man! :'''Alexis''': Does that mean I ''can't'' go to band practice? ''[starts to cry]'' :'''Carl''': Wait, it was my fault! Don't suspend Alexis! Suspend ''me!'' I wanted him to fight. I thought if he stood up for himself, he wouldn't get picked on anymore. :'''Alexis''': It's not all Carl's fault. He was just trying to help me, and he's right. I ''do'' need to stand up for myself. I just have to do it in my own way. ''[to Ricky and Julius]'' I really don't like when you guys put weird things in my tuba. It's hard to clean, and it always sounds bad afterwards. :'''Ricky''': But I like the funny sounds. ''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat as she seriously looks at both him and Julius; in unison]'' We're sorry. :'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' We won't do it again. :'''Alexis''': Great! So, now can we hug it out? :'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' Oh. :'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' What's a hug? :''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat again and grumbles]'' :'''Julius''': ''[sighs]'' Sure. :''[Alexis hugs both Ricky and Julius together, they all glow in shimmering gold]'' :'''Ricky''': I like hugs! :'''Julius''': Me too! :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Since you used your words to resolve this, no suspension this time. Bravo, boys. ''[The four boys start leaving her office, to Alexis for a second]'' One last thing, Mr. Flores. Are the rumors true? Did you really revenge-poop on a pigeon? ''[whispers]'' All the teachers are dying to know. :'''Alexis''': ''[shrugs]'' Maybe, maybe not. ''[leaves]'' :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[closes her office door]'' Sorry, ladies. I can't confirm ''or'' deny the rumors. :''[Ms. Galiano snaps her fingers in disbelief]'' ==Episode 5== ===''The Bros in the Band (5.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''For the Record (5.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 6== ===''15 Candles (6.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Rook, Line, & Sinker (6.2)''=== :''[Chavez Academy School; Carl and his parents are waiting in Principal Valenzuela's office]'' :'''Frida''': So you have no idea why Principal Valenzuela wanted to talk to us? :'''Carl''': Maybe I'm getting an award for best smile in school. :'''Frida and Carlos''': Hmm. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[enters her office]'' Mr. and Mrs. Casagrande… ''[annoyed]'' Carl, unfortunately, this ''isn't'' good news. :'''Frida''': So he ''didn't'' win best smile? :'''Principal Valenzuela''': No, Alexis won that. He flosses between every class. Carl was caught tricking kids out of their pudding snacks! :''[Frida and Carlos glare at their mijo]'' :'''Carl''': Come on. It was just one time with the pudding. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Just one time, huh? ''[opens up Carl's locker and pudding cups fall on him, much to his parents' horror]'' :'''Carl''': I'm sorry. I just love tricking people. Isn't that what you're always encouraging us do, Principal V, what we love? :'''Principal Valenzuela''': That is not what I meant! :'''Carlos''': We're so sorry, Principal Valenzuela. We're going to take care of this immediately. :'''Frida''': Carl, say you're sorry. (And stop eating the pudding!) :'''Carl''': ''[licking out a pudding cup, not listening]'' From the bottom of my heart, Principal V. You know, I'm gonna go home and have a good long think about my actions. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Oh? Glad to hear it. :'''Carl''': And since I'll be so busy thinking, I'll need to skip homework tonight. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Naturally. :'''Carl''': Great. Mom, Dad, let's go. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[realizes]'' Wait, no homework?! '''''CARL!''''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': ''[enters his and CJ's room, eating more pudding, finding his padre observing the ants in an ant farm]'' Dad, what's with the bugs? :'''Carlos''': Your mother and I think you need a new hobby other than tricking people, so I thought we'd try science. Check it out a real live ant farm three thousand ants digging a tunnel to their queen. :'''Carl''': ''[not interested]'' I wish I could dig a tunnel out of this room. ''[starts tapping the ant farm]'' Stop being boring. :'''Carlos''': Carl, let's not tap the plastic. <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> :'''Carlos''': ''[getting a call from Principal Valenzuela]'' Hey, Principal Valenzuela. ''[Frida gasps in excitement to hear the upcoming news]'' Are you calling to tell us what a good job we did with Carl? :'''Principal Valenzuela''': No! He's somehow worse than before! He tricked the teachers out of giving him tests for the rest of the year! He also keeps calling everyone pawns and saying "checkmate". :'''Carlos''': ''[gasps in horror]'' Carl's now using chess to ''trick'' people! :'''Frida''': ''[starts to sob]'' Oh, no. I'm so sorry, Principal Valenzuela! :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Actually, it's Hall Monitor Valenzuela. Carl tricked me out of my job. ''He's'' the principal now! :'''Carl''': ''[comes out of the office]'' Hey, Valenzuela, quit dawdling. That hall's not gonna monitor itself. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[growls]'' Argh! FIX THIS! :'''Carlos''': Ooh. I've created a monster. ''[looks at the chess board and gets an idea]'' There's only one thing to do - we have to ''beat'' Carl at his own game. <hr width="50%"> ==''The Golden Curse (Episode 7)''== :''[The Casagrandes are all making decorations for Paco and Paulina's wedding; Ronnie Anne, Carl, and CJ have prepared the wedding cake]'' :'''Rosa''': ''[enters the apartment with Mama Lupe and Paco]'' Look, everyone, it's Mama Lupe and Paco, our handsome groom. :'''Frida''': ''Hola.'' :'''Maria''': ''Bienvenidos.'' :'''Carlos''': Hi, Mama Lupe. :'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' ''Primo,'' ready to clip your wings-- I mean, get married? :'''Paco''': ''Claro que si.'' I can't wait to marry ''mi amor,'' Paulina. She's the wind beneath my wings. :'''Sergio''': Maybe you should keep her beneath your wing. I mean, real catch. :'''Mama Lupe''': Oh, ''[hugs Paco tightly]'' I can't believe ''mi bebe'' is finally getting married. ''[sits on the couch and claps]'' Oh, I could almost cry. :'''Frida''': ''[tearfully]'' Leave that to me. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': On to more important matters, decide on a best man yet? ''[clears throat]'' Say, "Sergio." :'''Paco''': I'm not sure, ''primo.'' It's a big responsibility. :'''Sergio''': Ah, come on, I'm responsible. ''[almost knocks the lamp off; chuckles]'' Hey, plus, I'll throw the best bachelor party ever! ''[hugs his primo, beggingly]'' Please. Oh, please. ''Por favor.'' ''[whimpers while making sad eyes]'' :'''Paco''': Okay, Sergio. Of course you can be my best man. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[waking up]'' Ah, best bachelor party ever. ''[checking his pockets]'' Still got everything? Let's see: wallet, keys, phone, ''las arras.'' ''[holds up the bag and notices a hole in it]'' Ah, crackers! <hr width="50%"> :'''Paco''': ''[squawks after his wedding suit rips and falls off from his body]'' My suit! Must have been the pepperoni I ate last night. It made me bloat. <hr width="50%"> :'''Paco''': Finally, I'm free! ''[looks in shock to see everything in a disaster]'' :'''Stanley''': Boy, bird weddings are fun! :'''Paco''': What's going on? :'''Mama Lupe''': Bad luck, that's what. :'''Rosa''': Nonsense. Every wedding has its setback. :''[The chandelier suddenly falls on the wedding arch]'' :'''Mama Lupe''': This is more than setbacks, it can only be due to one thing. ''Las arras!'' :''[Guitar riff is heard, revealing Hector having to fix his guitar]'' :'''Hector''': Ah, I fixed the strings. ''[the guitar strings break again]'' Chihuahua. :'''Rosa''': Sergio, I thought you said you got ''all'' thirteen coins. :'''Sergio''': I did, I'll prove it. ''[takes out the coins and counts them himself]'' …ten, eleven, thirteen. Booyah! :'''Carl''': You forgot twelve, genius. :'''Rosa''': ''[gasps]'' That means that one lucky coin is still missing! :'''Mama Lupe''': Missing?! ''[grinds her teeth with rage and tries to go after Sergio while the whole family tries to slow her down]'' Let me at him! ''[calms down]'' Aye, without the last lucky coin, the marriage will be cursed with bad luck forever. :''[Paulina has arrived just in time to hear that her and Paco's wedding is and will always be ruined]'' :'''Paco''': Paulina, my love! We don't need luck. ''[Paulina starts to sobbing in tears and runs away; turns to his primo, angrily]'' Thanks a lot, Sergio. You ruined my wedding! ''[flies after Paulina to console her]'' Paulina, please, come back! :'''Sergio''': I guess Paco was right to doubt me, I'm not best man material. ==Episode 8== ===''Let's Get Ready to Rumba (8.1)''=== :'''Rosa''': Hector, what are you doing under the table? :'''Ivan''': Huh! ''You're'' the health inspector who shut down my studio. :'''Sergio''': Ooh, this is gonna be good! ''[eats a bucket of popcorn]'' :'''Rosa''': ''Him?'' He's not a health inspector. He's my husband. :'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Awkward. :'''Ivan''': It seems like you two have a lot to talk about. I'm going to reopen my studio. :'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Time to bounce, everyone! :''[Ivan and the others leave the apartment]'' :'''Rosa''': Hector Casagrande, explain. :'''Hector''': Well, I was tired of hearing you talk about Ivan and his dance class, okay? So, I thought if I shut it down, that would be the end of it. :'''Rosa''': ''[sharped]'' Hector, how could you be ''so'' selfish?! I don't want to talk to you right now. ''[walks to the door, ripping it off, and leaves]'' :'''Bruno''': ''[walks in along with Vito]'' Gee, who could have seen this coming? :'''Hector''': Aww. I need to fix this. :'''Sergio''': ''[burps]'' And I need more popcorn. ===''Perro Malo (8.2)''=== :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[finds Malo scratching his ear, thinking he is Lalo]'' Oh! There you are. ''[picks up the leash and goes towards home as Malo struggles to go the other way]'' That's enough, Lalo. I took you for a walk. Now, let's go home. ''[a man passes them as they go and Malo barks at him]'' What's gotten into you? :'''Becky''': ''[finds Lalo rolling around in a bush, thinking he is Malo]'' There you are, Malo! ''[Lalo licks her in the face, revolted]'' Ew! Kisses? What's gotten into you? <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronnie Anne''': You're lucky you didn't have to walk Lalo. He is ''not'' in a fun mood. :''[Malo chews, rips off, and throws the couch's armrest which Hector is napping on, causing him to roll onto the floor, waking him up]'' :'''Hector''': Hey, Lalo! Why did you do that?! Now I have to go nap in the mercado. :'''Carl''': ''[after Malo takes a bite out of his El Falcón action figure]'' Hey! Lalo ate El Falcón's head! :'''Carlota''': ''[bare-footed as Malo starts chewing on her pair of boots by the door]'' Those are my new boots! :'''Bobby''': Lalo, what's going on with you? ''[screams as Malo bares his teeth, growling at him]'' :'''Carlota''': We better figure it out. Abuelo hates when pets misbehave. :'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' I woke him up once. Almost made parrot tacos out of me. :'''CJ''': Parrot tacos? Ew! :'''Sergio''': Hey! I'd make a great taco. ''[Malo visualizes him as a taco and tries to eat him; flies away]'' I take it back! I'd make a terrible taco! <hr width="50%"> :'''Maybelle''': ''[after Malo barges into the mercado, knocking her over]'' This is an awful shopping experience! :'''Hector''': Grab his leash before he destroys my entire mercado! :'''Bobby''': I got this! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronnie Anne''': I can't believe this is the last time we'll ever see Lalo. :'''CJ''': I'm gonna miss him so much. :'''Carlota''': ''[starts sobbing]'' This is the saddest day ever! ''[waters her eyes like Frida's]'' Ay, I've turned into Mom. <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': Wait a minute. There's ''two'' of them?! :''[Lalo and Malo go to their real owners after sniffing each other's tails]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[after Lalo licks her]'' Now ''this'' is our Lalo. :'''Becky''': ''[growls back at Malo after he growls at her]'' And this is ''my'' Malo! :'''Carlota''': Okay, I don't follow. :'''Hector''': I think I know what's going on. When I adopted Lalo, I chose from a litter of ''perritos.'' ''[Flashback to the day he adopted Lalo as a puppy]'' But one of them was clearly not for our familia. I called it a perro malo. And the woman giving the puppies away said Malo was the perfect name, 'cause he was bad to the bone. Then I saw another puppy who was the complete opposite, showing me lots of love. So I decided to call him, Lalo! :''[Flashback ends]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': They must have switched places when I was walking Lalo. I should have been paying attention to him instead of trying to watch the show. ''[to Lalo]'' I'm so sorry, boy. ==Episode 9== ===''Don't Zoo That (9.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> :'''Mrs. Chang''': Last badge, habitat maintenance. :'''Carl''': Awesome! I'm great at that. ''[confused]'' Uh, what is that? :'''Mrs. Chang''': It means you'll be building a home for one of our new and endangered animals. Lois, the Galapagos Tortoise. :'''CJ''': She's beautiful! :'''Mrs. Chang''': Yes she is, CJ, and she needs a special habitat to thrive. ''[points to bamboos and rocks as materials]'' Here are some building materials. Okay, good luck. Be back in a sec! Oh, and keep this gate closed. Lois likes to run out. ''[closes the gate and leaves]'' :'''Adelaide''': As group leader, I say we use bamboo for the base of a shelter. :'''Carl''': No way, we should use rocks. :'''Adelaide''': Fine, then I'm doing my ''own'' habitat. <hr width="50%"> ===''Maxed Out (9.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 10== ===''Skatey Cat (10.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Weather Beaten (10.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 11== ===''Race Against the Machine (11.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''My Fair Cat Lady (11.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 12== ===''Survival of the Unfittest (12.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Nixed Signals (12.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 13== ===''Ay Fidelity (13.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Cut the Chisme (13.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> :''[Evening at the Casagrande apartment]'' :'''Hector''': ''[entering]'' ''Hola,'' I'm home! Ho, you guys will never believe what Vito wears to bed. ''[sees his whole family, really annoyed at him]'' What? You already know about the bunny pajamas? :'''Carl''': No, Abuelo. This is a convention. :'''Carlos''': Actually Carl, the word is, "intervention." :'''Rosa''': Hector, your chisme addiction is embarrassing your family. :'''Bobby''': And making the customers mad. :'''Frida''': You're a chismoso. And by that I mean, you're the biggest gossip in town. :'''Hector''': What?! I'm not a gossip! <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 14== ===''Sidekickin' Chicken (14.1)''=== :'''Alexis''': It is I, Tuba Boy! :'''Sergio''': Tuba Boy? :''[Carl and Sergio see Alexis, in his Tuba Boy superhero costume with his mom recording]'' :'''Alexis''': Look, Mama! Tuba Boy, tu-ba rescue! :'''Carl''': Alexis is submitting a sidekick too? :'''Sergio''': And his costume looks amazing. :'''Carl''': Yeah, and mine's trash. I really need to step it up if I'm gonna win this contest! <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': ''[bumps into Adelaide, in her Pandalaide superhero costume]'' Adelaide, are you doing the contest too? :'''Adelaide''': Better believe it. The name's Pandalaide! I've got panda power and sweet panda dance moves! :'''Carl''': But you don't even watch "El Falcón." :'''Adelaide''': You're right, 'cause the show has no strong female character, but that's where I come in! <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': Ooh, the letter from the show! ''[reading]'' "Dear Carl Casagrande, thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, we didn't find El Pollito to be a very convincing sidekick." ''[whimpers with heartbreak]'' What? :'''Sergio''': Sorry, Carl. Crackers on me tonight. :'''Alexis''': ''[showing up along with Adelaide]'' Carl, we made it into the final round! What about you? :'''Carl''': ''[tearing up, upset]'' I-I didn't make it. ''[lays his head flat on the ground, sobbing]'' :'''Alexis''': Hey, you seem upset. You want a hug? It's one of Tuba Boy's powers. :'''Carl''': No, I'm fine! Everything's fine! :'''Adelaide''': Okay. Well, wish us luck. :'''Carl''': ''[crumples up the letter, angrily]'' These judges got it all wrong! El Pollito's not convincing? Oh, I'll convince them all right! :'''Sergio''': Ooh, whatcha thinking? Blackmail? I know a pigeon. :'''Carl''': No, we're gonna make another tape to prove the judges wrong. This time, we'll show El Pollito doing heroic acts. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bobby''': Carl, what's wrong with you?! :'''Carl''': I'm stopping Miranda from stealing all the newspapers. Read all about it! El Pollito saves the day! :'''Miranda''': ''[annoyed]'' I'm recycling them. These are from yesterday. <hr width="50%"> :'''Adelaide''': We did it! You're safe now. ''[unties Sergio]'' :'''Sergio''': My heroes! :'''Adelaide''': Sergio? :'''Alexis''': Why are you dressed as a baby? :'''Sergio''': Carl's idea! He wanted to look like a hero for the show. :''[Carl frees himself and falls flat on the ground]'' :'''Adelaide''': Carl, you put Sergio in ''real'' danger just to rescue him? :'''Carl''': ''[sighs sadly]'' It's true. I wanted to convince the show they were wrong for not picking me, but obviously, I totally blew it. Sorry. Turns out, I'm not much of a hero. :'''Sergio''': You're telling me. ===''Silent Fight (14.2)''=== :'''Frida''': ''[whispering angrily to Carl and CJ, breaking up their fighting]'' Are you kidding me?! If either of you wakes Carlitos… ''[fiercely]'' …'''you're grounded for a month!''' No, '''''two months!''''' <hr width="50%"> :''[Carl runs off and throws CJ's hair clippers out the window, shaving Vito's head]'' :'''Vito''': Hey, free haircut! :'''CJ''': ''[whispers]'' My clippers. ''[growls at Carl; dashes off and back with Carl's El Falcón shoes, and throws them out the window]'' :'''Vito''': (Huh?) Hey, free shoes! ''[puts the shoes on his feet]'' Check out my new look. <hr width="50%"> :'''Frida''': ''[wakes up and sees Carl and CJ trying to tiptoe out of the room after they woke up Carlitos, making him cry]'' Hold it right there! That's it! You two are grounded! :'''CJ''': But... :'''Carl''': Mom... :'''Carlos''': And why are you dressed as sheep? :'''Frida''': I don't even care! No buts, no moms. Go to your room, and I better not hear a peep from either one of you for the rest of the afternoon! :'''CJ and Carl''': This is your fault! :'''Frida''': ''[angrily whispering]'' Hey, I said, not…a…'''''peep'''''. <hr width="50%"> :'''Carlos''': Look at that, Frida! They managed to make up on their own. :'''Frida''': Shh! :'''Carlos''': Oops. Sorry, Frida. I got too excited. :''[Carlitos starts wailing off-screen]'' :'''Frida''': ''[angrily]'' And now, ''YOU'RE'' grounded! ''[walks off]'' :'''Carlos''': Wait, for how long?! ==Episode 15== ===''Kick Some Bot (15.1)''=== :'''Adelaide''': Mom, Sid. Mom. Guess what? My unicorn princess outfit won first place for Cutest Cosplay! ''[holds up a 1st place ribbon]'' :'''Becca''': Honey, that is the most amazing news I've ever heard. I'm so proud of you! :'''Adelaide''': Thanks. I deserved it. Look at me! ''[pulls a string on her party horn, shooting out confetti and lands on Sid]'' :'''Becca''': I'll add this ribbon to the Adelaide Wall of Fame. :'''Sid''': Keep some shelf space open for me. I finished a whole slice of pizza in one bite. It took a lot of courage in mouth space, but I didn't give up. ''[stretches her mouth open wide]'' :'''Becca''': Wow, a whole slice. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sid''': ''[while braiding Ronnie Anne's hair]'' My mom was giving Adelaide ''all'' the attention, and I was sitting there like, "Hello? I'm your daughter too." :'''Ronnie Anne''': Ugh. Sounds rough. I'm impressed with your pizza eating abilities. :'''Sid''': Thanks, but I feel like I have to do something big to make her proud of me. Ooh! I know! Maybe I'll eat ''two'' slices of pizza in one bite! Hit me, Breakfast Bot! ''[stretches her mouth wide open and Breakfast Bot stuffs the two pizza slices into her mouth]'' Pretty impressive, right? :'''Ronnie Anne''': Uh, that's cool, but you're also awesome with robots. :'''Breakfast Bot''': '''You know it, girl.''' :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[holding up her phone]'' And look! There's a Robotics Competition coming up right here in Great Lakes City! :'''Sid''': Winning that would definitely impress my mom! ''[burps]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[groans from the smell]'' Too bad there isn't a Strongest Pepperoni Burp Competition. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sid''': From the looks of things, I could actually win this. :'''Lisa''': ''[showing up; clears throat]'' Maybe you need your vision checked because your competition just got stiffer. :'''Sid''': Lisa Loud?! I subscribed to your monthly newsletter! You're competing too? :'''Lisa''': Yep. ''[presses her wrist watch]'' Todd, initiate grand entrance. ''[Todd emerges from the smoke cloud and zooms off with his name written in cloud form, as Sid watches in shock with her jaw dropped]'' May the best bot win. <hr width="50%"> :''[Vito and Robbie are eliminated after Robbie failed to make a slam dunk in the hoop]'' :'''Vito''': Let's get you some ice cream. :'''Robbie''': '''Rocky Road always cheers me up.''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Breakfast Bot''': ''[presenting his plate of a stacked pancakes to the judges during the semifinal challenge]'' '''I make this look ''and'' taste good.''' :'''Judge #1''': ''[amazed]'' Ah, looks delicious! :'''Judge #3''': Wow! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sid''': Todd even outdid us at breakfast, and you're Breakfast Bot! This is gonna be harder than we thought. :'''Breakfast Bot''': '''This isn't your best pep talk.''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Lisa''': Todd, initiate guitar riff. :''[Todd wheels up on stage and makes an incredible riffing on his keyboard guitar]'' :'''Sid''': Those are some sweet riffs. But we can beat that, Breakfast Bot. :'''Lisa''': Todd, initiate drums. :''[Todd takes out an electric drum set and plays both his instruments]'' :'''Sid''': All right, he can do both at the same time. But we're still not done for. :'''Lisa''': Todd, initiate rap. :'''Todd''': ''[rapping]'' '''♪ T-O-Double-D / Can't you see I'm on a mission? / Coming in hot about to win this competition / Did I say something wrong? / 'Cause you look kind of annoyed / Well, I guess that's what you get / When you try to beat an android ♪''' :'''Sid''': Ugh, why's it got to be so catchy?! ''[turns to Breakfast Bot, who's liking the music, snaps him out of it]'' Stop it! We got to focus. We haven't even picked your talent yet. :'''Lisa''': Initiate mic-drop finale. <hr width="50%"> :'''Breakfast Bot''': ''[putting on a Lucha wrestling mask]'' '''Activate''' '''''Lucha Fight Mode!''''' :'''Sid''': Oh, no! I didn't realize I put the Lucha disc in there! It's programmed to wrestle all the other robots! ===''Salvador Doggy (15.2)''=== :'''Frida''': ''[angrily punches her painting with a hole]'' Terrible! You call this art?! ''[throws her painting on the ground, kicks it, and starts to sob]'' My showcase is tomorrow and I have no work to showcase at the showcase! This is the ''worst'' painter's block I've had in years. Oh, I know. I can listen to my favorite podcast. That should help. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[enters the apartment, wearing a scuba suit]'' Ready for our scuba lesson? ''[Lalo explains to him, gesturing the painting]'' You squiggled on paper. Congrats. ''[Lalo continues explaining]'' You gotta make ten more? For Frida? What's in it for you? Diddly-squat? Hold up. It's time I teach you about the law of supply and demand. If you're gonna supply, you gotta demand. :''[Later, Frida returns with supplies]'' :'''Frida''': Lalo, I'm back! Ready to paint? :'''Sergio''': ''[halting her]'' Not so fast. I'm Lalo's manager. ''[takes out a fake business card]'' For every painting my client makes, he's gotta get something out of it too. As does his manager. If you could, uh, please sign this contract. ''[takes out a lengthy contract]'' :'''Frida''': Ugh, fine. Anything to get more paintings. ''[signs the contract]'' :'''Sergio''': Initial here, here, here, here, here. Don't forget there. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': And now my client will be retiring for the evening. :'''Frida''': What?! But I need more paintings by tomorrow. :'''Sergio''': And Lalo needs his beauty sleep. He can finish in the morning. ''[he and Lalo leave]'' :'''Frida''': ''[growls angrily and lets out a scream so loud it can be heard outside the apartment; sighs while preparing for bed]'' Well, hopefully we can get the rest finished tomorrow. ''[finds Sergio in the bed and shrieks]'' :'''Sergio''': Excuse me. The artiste is trying to sleep. :'''Frida''': ''[confused]'' What? ''[lifts the covers, revealing Lalo snoring]'' Lalo?! But this is ''my'' bed! Where am I supposed to sleep?! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[yawns]'' Slept like a baby. That bed is comfy. Don't just stand there. Here's our breakfast order. ''[unveils a long breakfast list]'' :'''Frida''': ''[furiously losing it]'' That's it! ''[rips up the list]'' The deal's off! I'll find another artist, Lalo! You're not the only dog in town! ''[storms off]'' :'''Sergio''': Sheesh. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the doggy bed. <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 16== ===''The Wrust Job (16.1)''=== :'''Sid''': Oh, man. I wanna intern at your mercado with Mr. Inflatable. That guy gets to wave hello to people all day. :'''Ronnie Anne''': I wanna work at Bruno's hot dog cart. What could be easier than serving the world's greatest hot dogs for a week? It'll be a breeze. <hr width="50%"> :'''Vito''': Remember, Sameer, a hot dog for breakfast is the most important dog of the day. Let's see how you are at ordering. :'''Sameer''': Two dogs for Mr. Vito, please. :'''Vito''': Whoa! Very good! You are going places, mister. :'''Ronnie Anne''': Sameer, are you interning for Vito? :'''Sameer''': Yeah. I was wondered what he did for a living. :'''Ronnie Anne''': So, what does he do? :'''Sameer''': I don't know. He says he's about to make a comeback, but, comeback to what? It's a mystery. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bruno''': Now that we're done with the morning rush, it's time to study up on the menu. :'''Ronnie Anne''': Not to brag, but, I've eaten your Dragged Through the Garden dog like, a million times. :'''Bruno''': That's great, but, I got 50 other dogs. If you're gonna sell 'em, then you gotta know how they taste. :'''Ronnie Anne''': I thought you'd never ask! <hr width="50%"> :''[As Ronnie Anne wakes up the next morning, she notices that her family has disappeared, except for Lalo, who's still at the mercado]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': Hey, Sid. Have you seen my family? :'''Sid''': Everyone just went to the park for the hot dog eating contest. :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[worried with shock]'' Oh, no! If Bruno sees Bobby there, he'll know I was lying! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bruno''': Ronnie Anne? What are you doing here? :'''Ronnie Anne''': I'm sorry, Bruno. I lied about Bobby breaking his arm. I didn't want to come to work today because I didn't realize how hard your job is. But I'm here now, and I'm gonna help you. :'''Bruno''': I appreciate the apology, Ronnie Anne, but it's too late. I'm a laughing stock. ===''The Sound of Meddle (16.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 17== ===''Alpaca Lies (17.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Rocket Plan (17.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==''Phantom Freakout (Episode 18)''== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> :'''Director''': CUT! Someone clean up that mess, and stop playing that nightmare music! :'''Sid''': This is ''not'' going the way I planned, but I did get to smell Yoon Kwan just now, so it's kinda going how I planned. <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 19== ===''The Odd Father (19.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''The Long Shot (19.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 20== ===''Flock This Way (20.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Movers and Fakers (20.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==External links== [[Category:Children's television seasons]] sr7p7h06mrs8gt15evbvj6cjo0hayn6 3157897 3157896 2022-08-25T17:28:21Z 162.197.99.132 /* Kick Some Bot (15.1) */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---------------- :'''Seasons:''' [[The Loud House/Season 1|1]] [[The Loud House/Season 2|2]] [[The Loud House/Season 3|3]] [[The Loud House/Season 4|4]] [[The Loud House/Season 5|5]] [[The Loud House/Season 6|6]] ([[The Loud House|Main]]) | '''[[The Casagrandes|Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]]) --------------- ==Episode 1== ===''Bend It Like Abuelo (1.1)''=== :'''Ronnie Anne, Sergio, and CJ''': Gatos, Gatos, Gatos, Gatos! :'''Rosa''': ''[bursts into the mercado with a broomstick]'' Gatos?! Where, where?! :'''Ronnie Anne''': Not ''real'' cats, Abuela. ''[points to the orange team banner]'' The soccer team! :'''Rosa''': Oh. Well, when those ''real'' gatos get here, I'll be ready. ''[leaves the mercado]'' :'''Vito''': I don't know what you's are so excited about. Everyone knows the gatos lose every game. :'''Hector''': This is not just a game. ''[rips off his sweater, revealing a gato t-shirt]'' It's the Crosslake Championship! :'''Vito''': ''[mockingly]'' Oh. So they're gonna be big losers! I've got my money on anyone who's ''not'' The Gatos. ''[rips off his own shirt, revealing a t-shirt with a "No" sign covering the team logo]'' :'''Hector''': ''[aghast; comes from behind the counter and bumps Vito]'' Just wait. Our star player, Picosito, is gonna win this year. When he's hot, ay-yi-yi, he's hot! :'''Vito''': Too bad he's been ice cold for years. <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> :'''Hector''': I'm never washing my head again! :'''Rosa''': When did you start? <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Bunstoppable (1.2)''=== :''[Stanley is telling Sid, Adelaide, Breakfast Bot, and the three pets a story about their ancestors in a book]'' :'''Stanley''': ''[narrating the story]'' ''Once upon a time, thousands of years ago, our ancestors lived in Clear Water Village. They farmed the land and enjoyed a peaceful life, until one day, the village was attacked by the infamous Han Family Bandits!'' ''[imitating the bandits]'' ''"Hand over all your food or we will destroy your village!"'' :'''Adelaide''': Oh, no! And then they destroyed it? :'''Sid''': Shh! Dad's getting to that! Dad, can you get to that? :'''Stanley''': As I was saying, our calm wise, ''and very handsome Ancestor Chang,'' who some say looks a lot like me… :'''Adelaide''': Focus, Dad! :'''Stanley''': ''[clears throat]'' He realized that the Han family's hunger had driven them to a life of crime. So, he offered them a challenge. ''If he gave them something more delicious than anything they'd ever tasted, they'd have to spare the village. The bandits scoffed, but then Ancestor Chang gave them his goldfish bao, it delighted their eyes, filled their stomachs, and energized their bodies! The bandits lost the challenge! The Han family was so moved, that they gave up their evil ways and became the protectors of Clear Water Village.'' And ''that's'' the story of how this bao recipe saved the day. ''[holds up a goldfish bao, which sparkles]'' It's been passed down through our family for generations. :'''All''': Ooh! :'''Stanley''': ''[to his daughters]'' And now, it's time for me to pass the recipe down to ''you'' two, so you can make bao for the Chinese Cultural Fair today. ''[sniffles a bit with tears streaming down from his eyes]'' My little buns, making their first buns! :'''Sid''': ''[patting her father on the back; touched]'' Aw, Dad. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stanley''': I gotta go to the park and snag the best spot before Mike Liu gets there. ''[chuckles]'' Oh, and I'm gonna need you to make 800 bao just like those two. :'''Sid''': ''[chuckles weakly]'' It sounded like he said eight hundred. :'''Stanley''': I did. Better get started. See you at the park. ''[leaves again]'' :'''Adelaide''': But it took us forever to make ''two!'' :'''Sid''': ''[whining]'' At this rate, we'll be Dad's age by the time we finish! There ''HAS'' to be a better way! ''[gets an idea]'' That's it! <hr width="50%"> :'''Vito''': ''[while Hui warms up his nunchucks]'' Oh, bunch of tough guys, huh? ''[starts swinging his linked sausage nunchucks around, but manages to snare himself]'' Is it over? Did I win? :'''Maybelle''': ''[while wrestling with Woo over her grocery bag]'' You ain't gettin' these mangoes! ''[kicks Woo away]'' <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 2== ===''Squawk in the Name of Love (2.1)''=== :''[Carl and Adelaide find Sergio laying on the couch, bawling in tears while binging ice cream]'' :'''Adelaide''': Are you okay, Sergio? :'''Sergio''': Priscilla dumped me…''AGAIN!'' ''[sobbing]'' :'''Adelaide''': Oh. I'm so sorry, Sergio. :'''Carl''': You guys break up all the time. Just find a new girlfriend. There's plenty of birds in the sky. :'''Sergio''': I tried. Total fail. ''[Flashback to the moments of him trying to get a new girlfriend bird]'' One had terrible manners. ''[The female pelican launches a fish at him and he falls off]'' One just didn't listen. ''[holds up his phone showing a photo of Ronnie Anne to an owl]'' And for the fifth time, this is Ronnie Anne. ''[The owl hoots and he face palms himself; then seen having a dinner date with a female eagle]'' One was too aggressive. So, you like smaller birds? ''[The female eagle caws and picks him up and flies off into the sky; fading back to present]'' None lived up to sweet Priscilla. :'''Adelaide''': Why did she dump you? :'''Sergio''': No idea. ''[holds up his phone, showing them a photo of Priscilla annoyingly massaging his feet]'' Look at all the fun we had together. This is her giving me a foot massage, ''[scrolls down to another photo of them at Sancho's place]'' this is us at Sancho's watching the game, ''[scrolls to another photo of her massaging his feet while still at Sancho's]'' this is her giving me a foot massage ''while'' watching the game. :'''Adelaide''': She looks miserable! :'''Sergio''': Nah. That's just her resting ostrich face. ''[scrolls to a photo of Priscilla]'' :'''Adelaide''': It's clear what the problem is. You didn't treat her like a princess. It's okay, I can teach you how to act like a prince and win her back. :'''Sergio''': I'm not so sure. :''[The female eagle caws from outside the window, staring deadly at Sergio]'' :'''Carl''': Look, the eagle's back for a second day! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[with a bump on his head and a black eye, after getting hit by a microphone, via, thrown by Priscilla]'' And then she threw the microphone at me! :'''Adelaide''': Sounds like you deserved it. I'm up for you to write a song about Priscilla, and how you feel about her. :'''Sergio''': Ohhh. :'''Adelaide''': What if you surprised her with a delicious picnic? :'''Sergio''': Yeah. She'll love it. I'll get her a ''real'' feast. <hr width="50%"> :'''Adelaide''': Bow and kiss the queen's hand, then say the following. :'''Sergio''': Frank, Estelle, it is truly an honor. ''[kisses Estelle's foot, much to her approval]'' :'''Adelaide''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside lovely Priscilla. :'''Sergio''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside ugly Priscilla. :'''Adelaide''': I said lovely, you dope! :'''Sergio''': ''[stammering]'' I said lovely, you dope! Uh, I mean, you're so dope. High five. What? :'''Adelaide''': The moment I laid my eyes on her, I said to myself… ''[starts hitting the radio as it starts crackling and randomly plays country music]'' :'''Sergio''': ''[starts square dancing]'' Yee-haw! You're listening to GLC's number one country station. <hr width="50%"> :'''Adelaide''': ''[fighting with Nico as he plays along with the radio]'' Uh… Not now, you monkey! :'''Sergio''': Uh… ''[snapping]'' NOT NOW, YOU MONKEY! <hr width="50%"> :'''Adelaide''': Aww, so sweet. And they lived happily ever after. Now, if I could just get out of this tree. ===''Date with Destiny (2.2)''=== :'''Ernesto''': ''Buenos dias, mis estrellitas.'' Today, I am talking about the water sign. :'''Rosa''': Oh, Maria, that's you. :'''Ernesto''': A lifetime of happiness is in sight if… :'''Rosa, Ronnie Anne, and Bobby''': If… :'''Ernesto''': You're back with your ex by tonight. ''Es tu destino!'' :'''Rosa''': Maria, you're getting back together with Arturo. I knew it. :'''Maria''': Ugh, ay, Mama. You know I don't believe in any of that Ernesto stuff. :'''Carlos''': Yeah, me neither. But it's so weird because the other day he predicted… ''[flashback to the day he was brushing his teeth, squeezes the toothpaste tube and cash comes out]'' I'd find treasure in the bathroom. Check it out. It smells like mint. :'''Hector''': Money in the bathroom?! ''[dashes into the bathroom]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Maria''': Well, Ernesto's prediction for me can't possibly come true. I won't even be seeing Arturo today. I'm helping Frida with an art project all day, and Arturo is flying off to a medical convention in an hour. ''[walks away]'' :'''Rosa''': Trust me, ''mis niños,'' Ernesto's predictions ''always'' come true. :'''Bobby''': What if Ernesto ''is'' right? :'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom and Dad are ''not'' getting back together. ''Are'' they? :'''Bobby''': If they did, it would mean a lifetime of happiness for all of us! :'''Ronnie Anne''': I guess it's worth a shot. All we have to do is get them together by tonight and let the magic happen. :'''Rosa''': ''[pops up between them]'' You know, your mom and dad had their first date at the pier, so maybe if they met there. :'''Ronnie Anne''': Good idea, Abuela! I'll pick Mom up from the gallery. You stop Dad from getting on that plane. <hr width="50%"> :''[Ronnie Anne arrives at Frida's art studio, looking for her mother]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[looking around]'' Mom! Mom, are you here? :'''Maria''': ''[in a large orange piñata statue]'' Ronnie Anne, is that you? :'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, what happened to you? :'''Maria''': Frida. When I agreed to do this life-size mold for her art installation, I didn't expect to be in plaster for four hours. <hr width="50%"> :''[Bobby runs up to Arturo's place as he puts his suitcase in the taxi trunk]'' :'''Arturo''': Bobby, what are you doing here? I'm just on my way to the airport. :'''Bobby''': In a taxi? No, that's so impersonal. Let your son drive you. :'''Arturo''': No, ''mijo.'' It's okay. I don't want to be a bother. :'''Bobby''': It's no bother. And these taxis charge an arm and a leg to get to the airport. :''[The taxi driver clears his throat]'' :'''Arturo''': My company's paying for it. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronnie Anne''': Oh, no. We didn't do all this work just so another ex could swoop in and ruin everything! :'''Bobby''': Yeah, let that T-Bone find his ''own'' lifetime of happiness! :'''T-Bone''': Hey, would you like to have dinner with me tonight at our place? :'''Bobby''': They have a place?! :'''Maria''': ''[blushing]'' You remember the pizza place? I'll meet you there tonight at 7:00. I better go freshen up. ''[rushes off]'' :'''Ernesto''': You better fix this ''rapido'' or you're gonna be stuck with ''this'' guy! :'''Ronnie Anne''': We have to get rid of T-Bone and get Dad to the restaurant. :'''Bobby''': I'll grab Dad and meet you there! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, Dad, are you okay? :'''Arturo''': Mijo, what's gotten into you?! :'''Bobby''': ''We'' did all of this work to get you two here, so we can ''all'' have a lifetime of happiness! You're not leaving here until you get back together again, just like Ernesto said. :'''Maria''': So ''that's'' what this is about. :'''Arturo''': Huh? Can someone tell me what's going on? :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[sighs]'' Ernesto Estrella predicted you guys would get back together tonight. Hearing it out loud now, it does kind of sound silly, huh? :'''Maria''': ''[as she and Arturo smile at each other]'' I don't think it was silly. I mean, we are together tonight. :'''Arturo''': Just not romantically. :'''Bobby''': ''[disappointed]'' Yeah, but, it's just one dumb night. Not a lifetime. :'''Maria''': But we'll be a family for a lifetime. :''[The Santiagos all come in for a group hug]'' :'''Arturo''': And, hey, what if we made it a regular thing? A family pizza night every month. :'''Ernesto''': And BOOM! A lifetime of happiness after all. Ernesto is the best-o! Estrella out! ==''Curse of the Candy Goblin (Episode 3)''== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 4== ===''Skaters Gonna Hate (4.1)''=== :'''Sergio''': Hey, Carlos, who you spying on? :'''Carlos''': How'd you recognize me? And I'm not spying. I'm helping Ronnie Anne beat Tony Hawk's skate team by doing a little…research. :'''Sergio''': You mean, ''cheating?'' :'''Carlos''': I am ''not'' cheating! It's called, ''[shouting]'' RESEARCH! ===''Born to be Mild (4.2)''=== :'''Carl''': What was that all about? :'''Alexis''': Oh, the usual. ''[cleans out his tuba]'' Ricky and Julius picking on me like they do ''every'' day. :'''Carl''': Dude, you let them do this you ''every'' day? Why? :'''Alexis''': What choice do I have? I'm a hugger, not a fighter. :'''Carl''': Well, good luck with that. <hr width="50%"> :'''Alexis''': ''[on the stilts]'' Carl, what am I doing up here? ''[loses his balance]'' :'''Carl''': It's all about attitude! ''[on one of the stilts] ''We're building up your confidence.'' :'''Alexis''': By walking on stilts? :'''Carl''': It's an exercise. If you want to feel big you gotta act big! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': You messed with the ''wrong'' tuba boy! ''[munches on his nails, sharpening them]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Principal Valenzuela''': What is going on here?! :'''Carl''': Hey, Principal Valenzuela. So, funny story-- :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sharply]'' My office, now! ''[Later in her office]'' Okay, start talking. Who started this and why? :'''Carl, Alexis, Ricky and Julius''': They did! :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sighs]'' Fine. Then you're ''all'' going to be suspended! :'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' What?! :'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' Aw, man! :'''Alexis''': Does that mean I ''can't'' go to band practice? ''[starts to cry]'' :'''Carl''': Wait, it was my fault! Don't suspend Alexis! Suspend ''me!'' I wanted him to fight. I thought if he stood up for himself, he wouldn't get picked on anymore. :'''Alexis''': It's not all Carl's fault. He was just trying to help me, and he's right. I ''do'' need to stand up for myself. I just have to do it in my own way. ''[to Ricky and Julius]'' I really don't like when you guys put weird things in my tuba. It's hard to clean, and it always sounds bad afterwards. :'''Ricky''': But I like the funny sounds. ''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat as she seriously looks at both him and Julius; in unison]'' We're sorry. :'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' We won't do it again. :'''Alexis''': Great! So, now can we hug it out? :'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' Oh. :'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' What's a hug? :''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat again and grumbles]'' :'''Julius''': ''[sighs]'' Sure. :''[Alexis hugs both Ricky and Julius together, they all glow in shimmering gold]'' :'''Ricky''': I like hugs! :'''Julius''': Me too! :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Since you used your words to resolve this, no suspension this time. Bravo, boys. ''[The four boys start leaving her office, to Alexis for a second]'' One last thing, Mr. Flores. Are the rumors true? Did you really revenge-poop on a pigeon? ''[whispers]'' All the teachers are dying to know. :'''Alexis''': ''[shrugs]'' Maybe, maybe not. ''[leaves]'' :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[closes her office door]'' Sorry, ladies. I can't confirm ''or'' deny the rumors. :''[Ms. Galiano snaps her fingers in disbelief]'' ==Episode 5== ===''The Bros in the Band (5.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''For the Record (5.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 6== ===''15 Candles (6.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Rook, Line, & Sinker (6.2)''=== :''[Chavez Academy School; Carl and his parents are waiting in Principal Valenzuela's office]'' :'''Frida''': So you have no idea why Principal Valenzuela wanted to talk to us? :'''Carl''': Maybe I'm getting an award for best smile in school. :'''Frida and Carlos''': Hmm. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[enters her office]'' Mr. and Mrs. Casagrande… ''[annoyed]'' Carl, unfortunately, this ''isn't'' good news. :'''Frida''': So he ''didn't'' win best smile? :'''Principal Valenzuela''': No, Alexis won that. He flosses between every class. Carl was caught tricking kids out of their pudding snacks! :''[Frida and Carlos glare at their mijo]'' :'''Carl''': Come on. It was just one time with the pudding. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Just one time, huh? ''[opens up Carl's locker and pudding cups fall on him, much to his parents' horror]'' :'''Carl''': I'm sorry. I just love tricking people. Isn't that what you're always encouraging us do, Principal V, what we love? :'''Principal Valenzuela''': That is not what I meant! :'''Carlos''': We're so sorry, Principal Valenzuela. We're going to take care of this immediately. :'''Frida''': Carl, say you're sorry. (And stop eating the pudding!) :'''Carl''': ''[licking out a pudding cup, not listening]'' From the bottom of my heart, Principal V. You know, I'm gonna go home and have a good long think about my actions. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Oh? Glad to hear it. :'''Carl''': And since I'll be so busy thinking, I'll need to skip homework tonight. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Naturally. :'''Carl''': Great. Mom, Dad, let's go. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[realizes]'' Wait, no homework?! '''''CARL!''''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': ''[enters his and CJ's room, eating more pudding, finding his padre observing the ants in an ant farm]'' Dad, what's with the bugs? :'''Carlos''': Your mother and I think you need a new hobby other than tricking people, so I thought we'd try science. Check it out a real live ant farm three thousand ants digging a tunnel to their queen. :'''Carl''': ''[not interested]'' I wish I could dig a tunnel out of this room. ''[starts tapping the ant farm]'' Stop being boring. :'''Carlos''': Carl, let's not tap the plastic. <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> :'''Carlos''': ''[getting a call from Principal Valenzuela]'' Hey, Principal Valenzuela. ''[Frida gasps in excitement to hear the upcoming news]'' Are you calling to tell us what a good job we did with Carl? :'''Principal Valenzuela''': No! He's somehow worse than before! He tricked the teachers out of giving him tests for the rest of the year! He also keeps calling everyone pawns and saying "checkmate". :'''Carlos''': ''[gasps in horror]'' Carl's now using chess to ''trick'' people! :'''Frida''': ''[starts to sob]'' Oh, no. I'm so sorry, Principal Valenzuela! :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Actually, it's Hall Monitor Valenzuela. Carl tricked me out of my job. ''He's'' the principal now! :'''Carl''': ''[comes out of the office]'' Hey, Valenzuela, quit dawdling. That hall's not gonna monitor itself. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[growls]'' Argh! FIX THIS! :'''Carlos''': Ooh. I've created a monster. ''[looks at the chess board and gets an idea]'' There's only one thing to do - we have to ''beat'' Carl at his own game. <hr width="50%"> ==''The Golden Curse (Episode 7)''== :''[The Casagrandes are all making decorations for Paco and Paulina's wedding; Ronnie Anne, Carl, and CJ have prepared the wedding cake]'' :'''Rosa''': ''[enters the apartment with Mama Lupe and Paco]'' Look, everyone, it's Mama Lupe and Paco, our handsome groom. :'''Frida''': ''Hola.'' :'''Maria''': ''Bienvenidos.'' :'''Carlos''': Hi, Mama Lupe. :'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' ''Primo,'' ready to clip your wings-- I mean, get married? :'''Paco''': ''Claro que si.'' I can't wait to marry ''mi amor,'' Paulina. She's the wind beneath my wings. :'''Sergio''': Maybe you should keep her beneath your wing. I mean, real catch. :'''Mama Lupe''': Oh, ''[hugs Paco tightly]'' I can't believe ''mi bebe'' is finally getting married. ''[sits on the couch and claps]'' Oh, I could almost cry. :'''Frida''': ''[tearfully]'' Leave that to me. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': On to more important matters, decide on a best man yet? ''[clears throat]'' Say, "Sergio." :'''Paco''': I'm not sure, ''primo.'' It's a big responsibility. :'''Sergio''': Ah, come on, I'm responsible. ''[almost knocks the lamp off; chuckles]'' Hey, plus, I'll throw the best bachelor party ever! ''[hugs his primo, beggingly]'' Please. Oh, please. ''Por favor.'' ''[whimpers while making sad eyes]'' :'''Paco''': Okay, Sergio. Of course you can be my best man. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[waking up]'' Ah, best bachelor party ever. ''[checking his pockets]'' Still got everything? Let's see: wallet, keys, phone, ''las arras.'' ''[holds up the bag and notices a hole in it]'' Ah, crackers! <hr width="50%"> :'''Paco''': ''[squawks after his wedding suit rips and falls off from his body]'' My suit! Must have been the pepperoni I ate last night. It made me bloat. <hr width="50%"> :'''Paco''': Finally, I'm free! ''[looks in shock to see everything in a disaster]'' :'''Stanley''': Boy, bird weddings are fun! :'''Paco''': What's going on? :'''Mama Lupe''': Bad luck, that's what. :'''Rosa''': Nonsense. Every wedding has its setback. :''[The chandelier suddenly falls on the wedding arch]'' :'''Mama Lupe''': This is more than setbacks, it can only be due to one thing. ''Las arras!'' :''[Guitar riff is heard, revealing Hector having to fix his guitar]'' :'''Hector''': Ah, I fixed the strings. ''[the guitar strings break again]'' Chihuahua. :'''Rosa''': Sergio, I thought you said you got ''all'' thirteen coins. :'''Sergio''': I did, I'll prove it. ''[takes out the coins and counts them himself]'' …ten, eleven, thirteen. Booyah! :'''Carl''': You forgot twelve, genius. :'''Rosa''': ''[gasps]'' That means that one lucky coin is still missing! :'''Mama Lupe''': Missing?! ''[grinds her teeth with rage and tries to go after Sergio while the whole family tries to slow her down]'' Let me at him! ''[calms down]'' Aye, without the last lucky coin, the marriage will be cursed with bad luck forever. :''[Paulina has arrived just in time to hear that her and Paco's wedding is and will always be ruined]'' :'''Paco''': Paulina, my love! We don't need luck. ''[Paulina starts to sobbing in tears and runs away; turns to his primo, angrily]'' Thanks a lot, Sergio. You ruined my wedding! ''[flies after Paulina to console her]'' Paulina, please, come back! :'''Sergio''': I guess Paco was right to doubt me, I'm not best man material. ==Episode 8== ===''Let's Get Ready to Rumba (8.1)''=== :'''Rosa''': Hector, what are you doing under the table? :'''Ivan''': Huh! ''You're'' the health inspector who shut down my studio. :'''Sergio''': Ooh, this is gonna be good! ''[eats a bucket of popcorn]'' :'''Rosa''': ''Him?'' He's not a health inspector. He's my husband. :'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Awkward. :'''Ivan''': It seems like you two have a lot to talk about. I'm going to reopen my studio. :'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Time to bounce, everyone! :''[Ivan and the others leave the apartment]'' :'''Rosa''': Hector Casagrande, explain. :'''Hector''': Well, I was tired of hearing you talk about Ivan and his dance class, okay? So, I thought if I shut it down, that would be the end of it. :'''Rosa''': ''[sharped]'' Hector, how could you be ''so'' selfish?! I don't want to talk to you right now. ''[walks to the door, ripping it off, and leaves]'' :'''Bruno''': ''[walks in along with Vito]'' Gee, who could have seen this coming? :'''Hector''': Aww. I need to fix this. :'''Sergio''': ''[burps]'' And I need more popcorn. ===''Perro Malo (8.2)''=== :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[finds Malo scratching his ear, thinking he is Lalo]'' Oh! There you are. ''[picks up the leash and goes towards home as Malo struggles to go the other way]'' That's enough, Lalo. I took you for a walk. Now, let's go home. ''[a man passes them as they go and Malo barks at him]'' What's gotten into you? :'''Becky''': ''[finds Lalo rolling around in a bush, thinking he is Malo]'' There you are, Malo! ''[Lalo licks her in the face, revolted]'' Ew! Kisses? What's gotten into you? <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronnie Anne''': You're lucky you didn't have to walk Lalo. He is ''not'' in a fun mood. :''[Malo chews, rips off, and throws the couch's armrest which Hector is napping on, causing him to roll onto the floor, waking him up]'' :'''Hector''': Hey, Lalo! Why did you do that?! Now I have to go nap in the mercado. :'''Carl''': ''[after Malo takes a bite out of his El Falcón action figure]'' Hey! Lalo ate El Falcón's head! :'''Carlota''': ''[bare-footed as Malo starts chewing on her pair of boots by the door]'' Those are my new boots! :'''Bobby''': Lalo, what's going on with you? ''[screams as Malo bares his teeth, growling at him]'' :'''Carlota''': We better figure it out. Abuelo hates when pets misbehave. :'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' I woke him up once. Almost made parrot tacos out of me. :'''CJ''': Parrot tacos? Ew! :'''Sergio''': Hey! I'd make a great taco. ''[Malo visualizes him as a taco and tries to eat him; flies away]'' I take it back! I'd make a terrible taco! <hr width="50%"> :'''Maybelle''': ''[after Malo barges into the mercado, knocking her over]'' This is an awful shopping experience! :'''Hector''': Grab his leash before he destroys my entire mercado! :'''Bobby''': I got this! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronnie Anne''': I can't believe this is the last time we'll ever see Lalo. :'''CJ''': I'm gonna miss him so much. :'''Carlota''': ''[starts sobbing]'' This is the saddest day ever! ''[waters her eyes like Frida's]'' Ay, I've turned into Mom. <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': Wait a minute. There's ''two'' of them?! :''[Lalo and Malo go to their real owners after sniffing each other's tails]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[after Lalo licks her]'' Now ''this'' is our Lalo. :'''Becky''': ''[growls back at Malo after he growls at her]'' And this is ''my'' Malo! :'''Carlota''': Okay, I don't follow. :'''Hector''': I think I know what's going on. When I adopted Lalo, I chose from a litter of ''perritos.'' ''[Flashback to the day he adopted Lalo as a puppy]'' But one of them was clearly not for our familia. I called it a perro malo. And the woman giving the puppies away said Malo was the perfect name, 'cause he was bad to the bone. Then I saw another puppy who was the complete opposite, showing me lots of love. So I decided to call him, Lalo! :''[Flashback ends]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': They must have switched places when I was walking Lalo. I should have been paying attention to him instead of trying to watch the show. ''[to Lalo]'' I'm so sorry, boy. ==Episode 9== ===''Don't Zoo That (9.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> :'''Mrs. Chang''': Last badge, habitat maintenance. :'''Carl''': Awesome! I'm great at that. ''[confused]'' Uh, what is that? :'''Mrs. Chang''': It means you'll be building a home for one of our new and endangered animals. Lois, the Galapagos Tortoise. :'''CJ''': She's beautiful! :'''Mrs. Chang''': Yes she is, CJ, and she needs a special habitat to thrive. ''[points to bamboos and rocks as materials]'' Here are some building materials. Okay, good luck. Be back in a sec! Oh, and keep this gate closed. Lois likes to run out. ''[closes the gate and leaves]'' :'''Adelaide''': As group leader, I say we use bamboo for the base of a shelter. :'''Carl''': No way, we should use rocks. :'''Adelaide''': Fine, then I'm doing my ''own'' habitat. <hr width="50%"> ===''Maxed Out (9.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 10== ===''Skatey Cat (10.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Weather Beaten (10.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 11== ===''Race Against the Machine (11.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''My Fair Cat Lady (11.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 12== ===''Survival of the Unfittest (12.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Nixed Signals (12.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 13== ===''Ay Fidelity (13.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Cut the Chisme (13.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> :''[Evening at the Casagrande apartment]'' :'''Hector''': ''[entering]'' ''Hola,'' I'm home! Ho, you guys will never believe what Vito wears to bed. ''[sees his whole family, really annoyed at him]'' What? You already know about the bunny pajamas? :'''Carl''': No, Abuelo. This is a convention. :'''Carlos''': Actually Carl, the word is, "intervention." :'''Rosa''': Hector, your chisme addiction is embarrassing your family. :'''Bobby''': And making the customers mad. :'''Frida''': You're a chismoso. And by that I mean, you're the biggest gossip in town. :'''Hector''': What?! I'm not a gossip! <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 14== ===''Sidekickin' Chicken (14.1)''=== :'''Alexis''': It is I, Tuba Boy! :'''Sergio''': Tuba Boy? :''[Carl and Sergio see Alexis, in his Tuba Boy superhero costume with his mom recording]'' :'''Alexis''': Look, Mama! Tuba Boy, tu-ba rescue! :'''Carl''': Alexis is submitting a sidekick too? :'''Sergio''': And his costume looks amazing. :'''Carl''': Yeah, and mine's trash. I really need to step it up if I'm gonna win this contest! <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': ''[bumps into Adelaide, in her Pandalaide superhero costume]'' Adelaide, are you doing the contest too? :'''Adelaide''': Better believe it. The name's Pandalaide! I've got panda power and sweet panda dance moves! :'''Carl''': But you don't even watch "El Falcón." :'''Adelaide''': You're right, 'cause the show has no strong female character, but that's where I come in! <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': Ooh, the letter from the show! ''[reading]'' "Dear Carl Casagrande, thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, we didn't find El Pollito to be a very convincing sidekick." ''[whimpers with heartbreak]'' What? :'''Sergio''': Sorry, Carl. Crackers on me tonight. :'''Alexis''': ''[showing up along with Adelaide]'' Carl, we made it into the final round! What about you? :'''Carl''': ''[tearing up, upset]'' I-I didn't make it. ''[lays his head flat on the ground, sobbing]'' :'''Alexis''': Hey, you seem upset. You want a hug? It's one of Tuba Boy's powers. :'''Carl''': No, I'm fine! Everything's fine! :'''Adelaide''': Okay. Well, wish us luck. :'''Carl''': ''[crumples up the letter, angrily]'' These judges got it all wrong! El Pollito's not convincing? Oh, I'll convince them all right! :'''Sergio''': Ooh, whatcha thinking? Blackmail? I know a pigeon. :'''Carl''': No, we're gonna make another tape to prove the judges wrong. This time, we'll show El Pollito doing heroic acts. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bobby''': Carl, what's wrong with you?! :'''Carl''': I'm stopping Miranda from stealing all the newspapers. Read all about it! El Pollito saves the day! :'''Miranda''': ''[annoyed]'' I'm recycling them. These are from yesterday. <hr width="50%"> :'''Adelaide''': We did it! You're safe now. ''[unties Sergio]'' :'''Sergio''': My heroes! :'''Adelaide''': Sergio? :'''Alexis''': Why are you dressed as a baby? :'''Sergio''': Carl's idea! He wanted to look like a hero for the show. :''[Carl frees himself and falls flat on the ground]'' :'''Adelaide''': Carl, you put Sergio in ''real'' danger just to rescue him? :'''Carl''': ''[sighs sadly]'' It's true. I wanted to convince the show they were wrong for not picking me, but obviously, I totally blew it. Sorry. Turns out, I'm not much of a hero. :'''Sergio''': You're telling me. ===''Silent Fight (14.2)''=== :'''Frida''': ''[whispering angrily to Carl and CJ, breaking up their fighting]'' Are you kidding me?! If either of you wakes Carlitos… ''[fiercely]'' …'''you're grounded for a month!''' No, '''''two months!''''' <hr width="50%"> :''[Carl runs off and throws CJ's hair clippers out the window, shaving Vito's head]'' :'''Vito''': Hey, free haircut! :'''CJ''': ''[whispers]'' My clippers. ''[growls at Carl; dashes off and back with Carl's El Falcón shoes, and throws them out the window]'' :'''Vito''': (Huh?) Hey, free shoes! ''[puts the shoes on his feet]'' Check out my new look. <hr width="50%"> :'''Frida''': ''[wakes up and sees Carl and CJ trying to tiptoe out of the room after they woke up Carlitos, making him cry]'' Hold it right there! That's it! You two are grounded! :'''CJ''': But... :'''Carl''': Mom... :'''Carlos''': And why are you dressed as sheep? :'''Frida''': I don't even care! No buts, no moms. Go to your room, and I better not hear a peep from either one of you for the rest of the afternoon! :'''CJ and Carl''': This is your fault! :'''Frida''': ''[angrily whispering]'' Hey, I said, not…a…'''''peep'''''. <hr width="50%"> :'''Carlos''': Look at that, Frida! They managed to make up on their own. :'''Frida''': Shh! :'''Carlos''': Oops. Sorry, Frida. I got too excited. :''[Carlitos starts wailing off-screen]'' :'''Frida''': ''[angrily]'' And now, ''YOU'RE'' grounded! ''[walks off]'' :'''Carlos''': Wait, for how long?! ==Episode 15== ===''Kick Some Bot (15.1)''=== :'''Adelaide''': Mom, Sid. Mom. Guess what? My unicorn princess outfit won first place for Cutest Cosplay! ''[holds up a 1st place ribbon]'' :'''Becca''': Honey, that is the most amazing news I've ever heard. I'm so proud of you! :'''Adelaide''': Thanks. I deserved it. Look at me! ''[pulls a string on her party horn, shooting out confetti and lands on Sid]'' :'''Becca''': I'll add this ribbon to the Adelaide Wall of Fame. :'''Sid''': Keep some shelf space open for me. I finished a whole slice of pizza in one bite. It took a lot of courage in mouth space, but I didn't give up. ''[stretches her mouth open wide]'' :'''Becca''': Wow, a whole slice. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sid''': ''[while braiding Ronnie Anne's hair]'' My mom was giving Adelaide ''all'' the attention, and I was sitting there like, "Hello? I'm your daughter too." :'''Ronnie Anne''': Ugh. Sounds rough. I'm impressed with your pizza eating abilities. :'''Sid''': Thanks, but I feel like I have to do something big to make her proud of me. Ooh! I know! Maybe I'll eat ''two'' slices of pizza in one bite! Hit me, Breakfast Bot! ''[stretches her mouth wide open and Breakfast Bot stuffs the two pizza slices into her mouth]'' Pretty impressive, right? :'''Ronnie Anne''': Uh, that's cool, but you're also awesome with robots. :'''Breakfast Bot''': '''You know it, girl.''' :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[holding up her phone]'' And look! There's a Robotics Competition coming up right here in Great Lakes City! :'''Sid''': Winning that would definitely impress my mom! ''[burps]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[groans from the smell]'' Too bad there isn't a Strongest Pepperoni Burp Competition. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sid''': From the looks of things, I could actually win this. :'''Lisa''': ''[showing up; clears throat]'' Maybe you need your vision checked because your competition just got stiffer. :'''Sid''': Lisa Loud?! I subscribed to your monthly newsletter! You're competing too? :'''Lisa''': Yep. ''[presses her wrist watch]'' Todd, initiate grand entrance. ''[Todd emerges from the smoke cloud and zooms off with his name written in cloud form, as Sid watches in shock with her jaw dropped]'' May the best bot win. <hr width="50%"> :''[Vito and Robbie are eliminated after Robbie failed to make a slam dunk in the hoop]'' :'''Vito''': Let's get you some ice cream. :'''Robbie''': '''Rocky Road always cheers me up.''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Breakfast Bot''': ''[presenting his plate of a stacked pancakes to the judges during the semifinal challenge]'' '''I make this look ''and'' taste good.''' :'''Judge #1''': ''[amazed]'' Ah, looks delicious! :'''Judge #3''': Wow! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sid''': Todd even outdid us at breakfast, and you're Breakfast Bot! This is gonna be harder than we thought. :'''Breakfast Bot''': '''This isn't your best pep talk.''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Lisa''': Todd, initiate guitar riff. :''[Todd wheels up on stage and makes an incredible riffing on his keyboard guitar]'' :'''Sid''': Those are some sweet riffs. But we can beat that, Breakfast Bot. :'''Lisa''': Todd, initiate drums. :''[Todd takes out an electric drum set and plays both his instruments]'' :'''Sid''': All right, he can do both at the same time. But we're still not done for. :'''Lisa''': Todd, initiate rap. :'''Todd''': ''[rapping]'' '''♪ T-O-Double-D / Can't you see I'm on a mission? / Coming in hot about to win this competition / Did I say something wrong? / 'Cause you look kind of annoyed / Well, I guess that's what you get / When you try to beat an android ♪''' :'''Sid''': Ugh, why's it got to be so catchy?! ''[turns to Breakfast Bot, who's jamming out to the electronic music, snaps him out of it]'' Stop it! We got to focus. We haven't even picked your talent yet. :'''Lisa''': Initiate mic-drop finale. <hr width="50%"> :'''Breakfast Bot''': ''[putting on a Lucha wrestling mask]'' '''Activate''' '''''Lucha Fight Mode!''''' :'''Sid''': Oh, no! I didn't realize I put the Lucha disc in there! It's programmed to wrestle all the other robots! ===''Salvador Doggy (15.2)''=== :'''Frida''': ''[angrily punches her painting with a hole]'' Terrible! You call this art?! ''[throws her painting on the ground, kicks it, and starts to sob]'' My showcase is tomorrow and I have no work to showcase at the showcase! This is the ''worst'' painter's block I've had in years. Oh, I know. I can listen to my favorite podcast. That should help. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[enters the apartment, wearing a scuba suit]'' Ready for our scuba lesson? ''[Lalo explains to him, gesturing the painting]'' You squiggled on paper. Congrats. ''[Lalo continues explaining]'' You gotta make ten more? For Frida? What's in it for you? Diddly-squat? Hold up. It's time I teach you about the law of supply and demand. If you're gonna supply, you gotta demand. :''[Later, Frida returns with supplies]'' :'''Frida''': Lalo, I'm back! Ready to paint? :'''Sergio''': ''[halting her]'' Not so fast. I'm Lalo's manager. ''[takes out a fake business card]'' For every painting my client makes, he's gotta get something out of it too. As does his manager. If you could, uh, please sign this contract. ''[takes out a lengthy contract]'' :'''Frida''': Ugh, fine. Anything to get more paintings. ''[signs the contract]'' :'''Sergio''': Initial here, here, here, here, here. Don't forget there. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': And now my client will be retiring for the evening. :'''Frida''': What?! But I need more paintings by tomorrow. :'''Sergio''': And Lalo needs his beauty sleep. He can finish in the morning. ''[he and Lalo leave]'' :'''Frida''': ''[growls angrily and lets out a scream so loud it can be heard outside the apartment; sighs while preparing for bed]'' Well, hopefully we can get the rest finished tomorrow. ''[finds Sergio in the bed and shrieks]'' :'''Sergio''': Excuse me. The artiste is trying to sleep. :'''Frida''': ''[confused]'' What? ''[lifts the covers, revealing Lalo snoring]'' Lalo?! But this is ''my'' bed! Where am I supposed to sleep?! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[yawns]'' Slept like a baby. That bed is comfy. Don't just stand there. Here's our breakfast order. ''[unveils a long breakfast list]'' :'''Frida''': ''[furiously losing it]'' That's it! ''[rips up the list]'' The deal's off! I'll find another artist, Lalo! You're not the only dog in town! ''[storms off]'' :'''Sergio''': Sheesh. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the doggy bed. <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 16== ===''The Wrust Job (16.1)''=== :'''Sid''': Oh, man. I wanna intern at your mercado with Mr. Inflatable. That guy gets to wave hello to people all day. :'''Ronnie Anne''': I wanna work at Bruno's hot dog cart. What could be easier than serving the world's greatest hot dogs for a week? It'll be a breeze. <hr width="50%"> :'''Vito''': Remember, Sameer, a hot dog for breakfast is the most important dog of the day. Let's see how you are at ordering. :'''Sameer''': Two dogs for Mr. Vito, please. :'''Vito''': Whoa! Very good! You are going places, mister. :'''Ronnie Anne''': Sameer, are you interning for Vito? :'''Sameer''': Yeah. I was wondered what he did for a living. :'''Ronnie Anne''': So, what does he do? :'''Sameer''': I don't know. He says he's about to make a comeback, but, comeback to what? It's a mystery. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bruno''': Now that we're done with the morning rush, it's time to study up on the menu. :'''Ronnie Anne''': Not to brag, but, I've eaten your Dragged Through the Garden dog like, a million times. :'''Bruno''': That's great, but, I got 50 other dogs. If you're gonna sell 'em, then you gotta know how they taste. :'''Ronnie Anne''': I thought you'd never ask! <hr width="50%"> :''[As Ronnie Anne wakes up the next morning, she notices that her family has disappeared, except for Lalo, who's still at the mercado]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': Hey, Sid. Have you seen my family? :'''Sid''': Everyone just went to the park for the hot dog eating contest. :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[worried with shock]'' Oh, no! If Bruno sees Bobby there, he'll know I was lying! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bruno''': Ronnie Anne? What are you doing here? :'''Ronnie Anne''': I'm sorry, Bruno. I lied about Bobby breaking his arm. I didn't want to come to work today because I didn't realize how hard your job is. But I'm here now, and I'm gonna help you. :'''Bruno''': I appreciate the apology, Ronnie Anne, but it's too late. I'm a laughing stock. ===''The Sound of Meddle (16.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 17== ===''Alpaca Lies (17.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Rocket Plan (17.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==''Phantom Freakout (Episode 18)''== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> :'''Director''': CUT! Someone clean up that mess, and stop playing that nightmare music! :'''Sid''': This is ''not'' going the way I planned, but I did get to smell Yoon Kwan just now, so it's kinda going how I planned. <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 19== ===''The Odd Father (19.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''The Long Shot (19.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 20== ===''Flock This Way (20.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Movers and Fakers (20.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==External links== [[Category:Children's television seasons]] 7e74l5nlgoggjy4c2lgi4537yp57gpa 3157898 3157897 2022-08-25T17:32:55Z 162.197.99.132 /* Kick Some Bot (15.1) */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---------------- :'''Seasons:''' [[The Loud House/Season 1|1]] [[The Loud House/Season 2|2]] [[The Loud House/Season 3|3]] [[The Loud House/Season 4|4]] [[The Loud House/Season 5|5]] [[The Loud House/Season 6|6]] ([[The Loud House|Main]]) | '''[[The Casagrandes|Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]]) --------------- ==Episode 1== ===''Bend It Like Abuelo (1.1)''=== :'''Ronnie Anne, Sergio, and CJ''': Gatos, Gatos, Gatos, Gatos! :'''Rosa''': ''[bursts into the mercado with a broomstick]'' Gatos?! Where, where?! :'''Ronnie Anne''': Not ''real'' cats, Abuela. ''[points to the orange team banner]'' The soccer team! :'''Rosa''': Oh. Well, when those ''real'' gatos get here, I'll be ready. ''[leaves the mercado]'' :'''Vito''': I don't know what you's are so excited about. Everyone knows the gatos lose every game. :'''Hector''': This is not just a game. ''[rips off his sweater, revealing a gato t-shirt]'' It's the Crosslake Championship! :'''Vito''': ''[mockingly]'' Oh. So they're gonna be big losers! I've got my money on anyone who's ''not'' The Gatos. ''[rips off his own shirt, revealing a t-shirt with a "No" sign covering the team logo]'' :'''Hector''': ''[aghast; comes from behind the counter and bumps Vito]'' Just wait. Our star player, Picosito, is gonna win this year. When he's hot, ay-yi-yi, he's hot! :'''Vito''': Too bad he's been ice cold for years. <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> :'''Hector''': I'm never washing my head again! :'''Rosa''': When did you start? <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Bunstoppable (1.2)''=== :''[Stanley is telling Sid, Adelaide, Breakfast Bot, and the three pets a story about their ancestors in a book]'' :'''Stanley''': ''[narrating the story]'' ''Once upon a time, thousands of years ago, our ancestors lived in Clear Water Village. They farmed the land and enjoyed a peaceful life, until one day, the village was attacked by the infamous Han Family Bandits!'' ''[imitating the bandits]'' ''"Hand over all your food or we will destroy your village!"'' :'''Adelaide''': Oh, no! And then they destroyed it? :'''Sid''': Shh! Dad's getting to that! Dad, can you get to that? :'''Stanley''': As I was saying, our calm wise, ''and very handsome Ancestor Chang,'' who some say looks a lot like me… :'''Adelaide''': Focus, Dad! :'''Stanley''': ''[clears throat]'' He realized that the Han family's hunger had driven them to a life of crime. So, he offered them a challenge. ''If he gave them something more delicious than anything they'd ever tasted, they'd have to spare the village. The bandits scoffed, but then Ancestor Chang gave them his goldfish bao, it delighted their eyes, filled their stomachs, and energized their bodies! The bandits lost the challenge! The Han family was so moved, that they gave up their evil ways and became the protectors of Clear Water Village.'' And ''that's'' the story of how this bao recipe saved the day. ''[holds up a goldfish bao, which sparkles]'' It's been passed down through our family for generations. :'''All''': Ooh! :'''Stanley''': ''[to his daughters]'' And now, it's time for me to pass the recipe down to ''you'' two, so you can make bao for the Chinese Cultural Fair today. ''[sniffles a bit with tears streaming down from his eyes]'' My little buns, making their first buns! :'''Sid''': ''[patting her father on the back; touched]'' Aw, Dad. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stanley''': I gotta go to the park and snag the best spot before Mike Liu gets there. ''[chuckles]'' Oh, and I'm gonna need you to make 800 bao just like those two. :'''Sid''': ''[chuckles weakly]'' It sounded like he said eight hundred. :'''Stanley''': I did. Better get started. See you at the park. ''[leaves again]'' :'''Adelaide''': But it took us forever to make ''two!'' :'''Sid''': ''[whining]'' At this rate, we'll be Dad's age by the time we finish! There ''HAS'' to be a better way! ''[gets an idea]'' That's it! <hr width="50%"> :'''Vito''': ''[while Hui warms up his nunchucks]'' Oh, bunch of tough guys, huh? ''[starts swinging his linked sausage nunchucks around, but manages to snare himself]'' Is it over? Did I win? :'''Maybelle''': ''[while wrestling with Woo over her grocery bag]'' You ain't gettin' these mangoes! ''[kicks Woo away]'' <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 2== ===''Squawk in the Name of Love (2.1)''=== :''[Carl and Adelaide find Sergio laying on the couch, bawling in tears while binging ice cream]'' :'''Adelaide''': Are you okay, Sergio? :'''Sergio''': Priscilla dumped me…''AGAIN!'' ''[sobbing]'' :'''Adelaide''': Oh. I'm so sorry, Sergio. :'''Carl''': You guys break up all the time. Just find a new girlfriend. There's plenty of birds in the sky. :'''Sergio''': I tried. Total fail. ''[Flashback to the moments of him trying to get a new girlfriend bird]'' One had terrible manners. ''[The female pelican launches a fish at him and he falls off]'' One just didn't listen. ''[holds up his phone showing a photo of Ronnie Anne to an owl]'' And for the fifth time, this is Ronnie Anne. ''[The owl hoots and he face palms himself; then seen having a dinner date with a female eagle]'' One was too aggressive. So, you like smaller birds? ''[The female eagle caws and picks him up and flies off into the sky; fading back to present]'' None lived up to sweet Priscilla. :'''Adelaide''': Why did she dump you? :'''Sergio''': No idea. ''[holds up his phone, showing them a photo of Priscilla annoyingly massaging his feet]'' Look at all the fun we had together. This is her giving me a foot massage, ''[scrolls down to another photo of them at Sancho's place]'' this is us at Sancho's watching the game, ''[scrolls to another photo of her massaging his feet while still at Sancho's]'' this is her giving me a foot massage ''while'' watching the game. :'''Adelaide''': She looks miserable! :'''Sergio''': Nah. That's just her resting ostrich face. ''[scrolls to a photo of Priscilla]'' :'''Adelaide''': It's clear what the problem is. You didn't treat her like a princess. It's okay, I can teach you how to act like a prince and win her back. :'''Sergio''': I'm not so sure. :''[The female eagle caws from outside the window, staring deadly at Sergio]'' :'''Carl''': Look, the eagle's back for a second day! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[with a bump on his head and a black eye, after getting hit by a microphone, via, thrown by Priscilla]'' And then she threw the microphone at me! :'''Adelaide''': Sounds like you deserved it. I'm up for you to write a song about Priscilla, and how you feel about her. :'''Sergio''': Ohhh. :'''Adelaide''': What if you surprised her with a delicious picnic? :'''Sergio''': Yeah. She'll love it. I'll get her a ''real'' feast. <hr width="50%"> :'''Adelaide''': Bow and kiss the queen's hand, then say the following. :'''Sergio''': Frank, Estelle, it is truly an honor. ''[kisses Estelle's foot, much to her approval]'' :'''Adelaide''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside lovely Priscilla. :'''Sergio''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside ugly Priscilla. :'''Adelaide''': I said lovely, you dope! :'''Sergio''': ''[stammering]'' I said lovely, you dope! Uh, I mean, you're so dope. High five. What? :'''Adelaide''': The moment I laid my eyes on her, I said to myself… ''[starts hitting the radio as it starts crackling and randomly plays country music]'' :'''Sergio''': ''[starts square dancing]'' Yee-haw! You're listening to GLC's number one country station. <hr width="50%"> :'''Adelaide''': ''[fighting with Nico as he plays along with the radio]'' Uh… Not now, you monkey! :'''Sergio''': Uh… ''[snapping]'' NOT NOW, YOU MONKEY! <hr width="50%"> :'''Adelaide''': Aww, so sweet. And they lived happily ever after. Now, if I could just get out of this tree. ===''Date with Destiny (2.2)''=== :'''Ernesto''': ''Buenos dias, mis estrellitas.'' Today, I am talking about the water sign. :'''Rosa''': Oh, Maria, that's you. :'''Ernesto''': A lifetime of happiness is in sight if… :'''Rosa, Ronnie Anne, and Bobby''': If… :'''Ernesto''': You're back with your ex by tonight. ''Es tu destino!'' :'''Rosa''': Maria, you're getting back together with Arturo. I knew it. :'''Maria''': Ugh, ay, Mama. You know I don't believe in any of that Ernesto stuff. :'''Carlos''': Yeah, me neither. But it's so weird because the other day he predicted… ''[flashback to the day he was brushing his teeth, squeezes the toothpaste tube and cash comes out]'' I'd find treasure in the bathroom. Check it out. It smells like mint. :'''Hector''': Money in the bathroom?! ''[dashes into the bathroom]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Maria''': Well, Ernesto's prediction for me can't possibly come true. I won't even be seeing Arturo today. I'm helping Frida with an art project all day, and Arturo is flying off to a medical convention in an hour. ''[walks away]'' :'''Rosa''': Trust me, ''mis niños,'' Ernesto's predictions ''always'' come true. :'''Bobby''': What if Ernesto ''is'' right? :'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom and Dad are ''not'' getting back together. ''Are'' they? :'''Bobby''': If they did, it would mean a lifetime of happiness for all of us! :'''Ronnie Anne''': I guess it's worth a shot. All we have to do is get them together by tonight and let the magic happen. :'''Rosa''': ''[pops up between them]'' You know, your mom and dad had their first date at the pier, so maybe if they met there. :'''Ronnie Anne''': Good idea, Abuela! I'll pick Mom up from the gallery. You stop Dad from getting on that plane. <hr width="50%"> :''[Ronnie Anne arrives at Frida's art studio, looking for her mother]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[looking around]'' Mom! Mom, are you here? :'''Maria''': ''[in a large orange piñata statue]'' Ronnie Anne, is that you? :'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, what happened to you? :'''Maria''': Frida. When I agreed to do this life-size mold for her art installation, I didn't expect to be in plaster for four hours. <hr width="50%"> :''[Bobby runs up to Arturo's place as he puts his suitcase in the taxi trunk]'' :'''Arturo''': Bobby, what are you doing here? I'm just on my way to the airport. :'''Bobby''': In a taxi? No, that's so impersonal. Let your son drive you. :'''Arturo''': No, ''mijo.'' It's okay. I don't want to be a bother. :'''Bobby''': It's no bother. And these taxis charge an arm and a leg to get to the airport. :''[The taxi driver clears his throat]'' :'''Arturo''': My company's paying for it. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronnie Anne''': Oh, no. We didn't do all this work just so another ex could swoop in and ruin everything! :'''Bobby''': Yeah, let that T-Bone find his ''own'' lifetime of happiness! :'''T-Bone''': Hey, would you like to have dinner with me tonight at our place? :'''Bobby''': They have a place?! :'''Maria''': ''[blushing]'' You remember the pizza place? I'll meet you there tonight at 7:00. I better go freshen up. ''[rushes off]'' :'''Ernesto''': You better fix this ''rapido'' or you're gonna be stuck with ''this'' guy! :'''Ronnie Anne''': We have to get rid of T-Bone and get Dad to the restaurant. :'''Bobby''': I'll grab Dad and meet you there! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, Dad, are you okay? :'''Arturo''': Mijo, what's gotten into you?! :'''Bobby''': ''We'' did all of this work to get you two here, so we can ''all'' have a lifetime of happiness! You're not leaving here until you get back together again, just like Ernesto said. :'''Maria''': So ''that's'' what this is about. :'''Arturo''': Huh? Can someone tell me what's going on? :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[sighs]'' Ernesto Estrella predicted you guys would get back together tonight. Hearing it out loud now, it does kind of sound silly, huh? :'''Maria''': ''[as she and Arturo smile at each other]'' I don't think it was silly. I mean, we are together tonight. :'''Arturo''': Just not romantically. :'''Bobby''': ''[disappointed]'' Yeah, but, it's just one dumb night. Not a lifetime. :'''Maria''': But we'll be a family for a lifetime. :''[The Santiagos all come in for a group hug]'' :'''Arturo''': And, hey, what if we made it a regular thing? A family pizza night every month. :'''Ernesto''': And BOOM! A lifetime of happiness after all. Ernesto is the best-o! Estrella out! ==''Curse of the Candy Goblin (Episode 3)''== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 4== ===''Skaters Gonna Hate (4.1)''=== :'''Sergio''': Hey, Carlos, who you spying on? :'''Carlos''': How'd you recognize me? And I'm not spying. I'm helping Ronnie Anne beat Tony Hawk's skate team by doing a little…research. :'''Sergio''': You mean, ''cheating?'' :'''Carlos''': I am ''not'' cheating! It's called, ''[shouting]'' RESEARCH! ===''Born to be Mild (4.2)''=== :'''Carl''': What was that all about? :'''Alexis''': Oh, the usual. ''[cleans out his tuba]'' Ricky and Julius picking on me like they do ''every'' day. :'''Carl''': Dude, you let them do this you ''every'' day? Why? :'''Alexis''': What choice do I have? I'm a hugger, not a fighter. :'''Carl''': Well, good luck with that. <hr width="50%"> :'''Alexis''': ''[on the stilts]'' Carl, what am I doing up here? ''[loses his balance]'' :'''Carl''': It's all about attitude! ''[on one of the stilts] ''We're building up your confidence.'' :'''Alexis''': By walking on stilts? :'''Carl''': It's an exercise. If you want to feel big you gotta act big! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': You messed with the ''wrong'' tuba boy! ''[munches on his nails, sharpening them]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Principal Valenzuela''': What is going on here?! :'''Carl''': Hey, Principal Valenzuela. So, funny story-- :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sharply]'' My office, now! ''[Later in her office]'' Okay, start talking. Who started this and why? :'''Carl, Alexis, Ricky and Julius''': They did! :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sighs]'' Fine. Then you're ''all'' going to be suspended! :'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' What?! :'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' Aw, man! :'''Alexis''': Does that mean I ''can't'' go to band practice? ''[starts to cry]'' :'''Carl''': Wait, it was my fault! Don't suspend Alexis! Suspend ''me!'' I wanted him to fight. I thought if he stood up for himself, he wouldn't get picked on anymore. :'''Alexis''': It's not all Carl's fault. He was just trying to help me, and he's right. I ''do'' need to stand up for myself. I just have to do it in my own way. ''[to Ricky and Julius]'' I really don't like when you guys put weird things in my tuba. It's hard to clean, and it always sounds bad afterwards. :'''Ricky''': But I like the funny sounds. ''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat as she seriously looks at both him and Julius; in unison]'' We're sorry. :'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' We won't do it again. :'''Alexis''': Great! So, now can we hug it out? :'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' Oh. :'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' What's a hug? :''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat again and grumbles]'' :'''Julius''': ''[sighs]'' Sure. :''[Alexis hugs both Ricky and Julius together, they all glow in shimmering gold]'' :'''Ricky''': I like hugs! :'''Julius''': Me too! :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Since you used your words to resolve this, no suspension this time. Bravo, boys. ''[The four boys start leaving her office, to Alexis for a second]'' One last thing, Mr. Flores. Are the rumors true? Did you really revenge-poop on a pigeon? ''[whispers]'' All the teachers are dying to know. :'''Alexis''': ''[shrugs]'' Maybe, maybe not. ''[leaves]'' :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[closes her office door]'' Sorry, ladies. I can't confirm ''or'' deny the rumors. :''[Ms. Galiano snaps her fingers in disbelief]'' ==Episode 5== ===''The Bros in the Band (5.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''For the Record (5.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 6== ===''15 Candles (6.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Rook, Line, & Sinker (6.2)''=== :''[Chavez Academy School; Carl and his parents are waiting in Principal Valenzuela's office]'' :'''Frida''': So you have no idea why Principal Valenzuela wanted to talk to us? :'''Carl''': Maybe I'm getting an award for best smile in school. :'''Frida and Carlos''': Hmm. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[enters her office]'' Mr. and Mrs. Casagrande… ''[annoyed]'' Carl, unfortunately, this ''isn't'' good news. :'''Frida''': So he ''didn't'' win best smile? :'''Principal Valenzuela''': No, Alexis won that. He flosses between every class. Carl was caught tricking kids out of their pudding snacks! :''[Frida and Carlos glare at their mijo]'' :'''Carl''': Come on. It was just one time with the pudding. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Just one time, huh? ''[opens up Carl's locker and pudding cups fall on him, much to his parents' horror]'' :'''Carl''': I'm sorry. I just love tricking people. Isn't that what you're always encouraging us do, Principal V, what we love? :'''Principal Valenzuela''': That is not what I meant! :'''Carlos''': We're so sorry, Principal Valenzuela. We're going to take care of this immediately. :'''Frida''': Carl, say you're sorry. (And stop eating the pudding!) :'''Carl''': ''[licking out a pudding cup, not listening]'' From the bottom of my heart, Principal V. You know, I'm gonna go home and have a good long think about my actions. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Oh? Glad to hear it. :'''Carl''': And since I'll be so busy thinking, I'll need to skip homework tonight. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Naturally. :'''Carl''': Great. Mom, Dad, let's go. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[realizes]'' Wait, no homework?! '''''CARL!''''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': ''[enters his and CJ's room, eating more pudding, finding his padre observing the ants in an ant farm]'' Dad, what's with the bugs? :'''Carlos''': Your mother and I think you need a new hobby other than tricking people, so I thought we'd try science. Check it out a real live ant farm three thousand ants digging a tunnel to their queen. :'''Carl''': ''[not interested]'' I wish I could dig a tunnel out of this room. ''[starts tapping the ant farm]'' Stop being boring. :'''Carlos''': Carl, let's not tap the plastic. <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> :'''Carlos''': ''[getting a call from Principal Valenzuela]'' Hey, Principal Valenzuela. ''[Frida gasps in excitement to hear the upcoming news]'' Are you calling to tell us what a good job we did with Carl? :'''Principal Valenzuela''': No! He's somehow worse than before! He tricked the teachers out of giving him tests for the rest of the year! He also keeps calling everyone pawns and saying "checkmate". :'''Carlos''': ''[gasps in horror]'' Carl's now using chess to ''trick'' people! :'''Frida''': ''[starts to sob]'' Oh, no. I'm so sorry, Principal Valenzuela! :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Actually, it's Hall Monitor Valenzuela. Carl tricked me out of my job. ''He's'' the principal now! :'''Carl''': ''[comes out of the office]'' Hey, Valenzuela, quit dawdling. That hall's not gonna monitor itself. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[growls]'' Argh! FIX THIS! :'''Carlos''': Ooh. I've created a monster. ''[looks at the chess board and gets an idea]'' There's only one thing to do - we have to ''beat'' Carl at his own game. <hr width="50%"> ==''The Golden Curse (Episode 7)''== :''[The Casagrandes are all making decorations for Paco and Paulina's wedding; Ronnie Anne, Carl, and CJ have prepared the wedding cake]'' :'''Rosa''': ''[enters the apartment with Mama Lupe and Paco]'' Look, everyone, it's Mama Lupe and Paco, our handsome groom. :'''Frida''': ''Hola.'' :'''Maria''': ''Bienvenidos.'' :'''Carlos''': Hi, Mama Lupe. :'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' ''Primo,'' ready to clip your wings-- I mean, get married? :'''Paco''': ''Claro que si.'' I can't wait to marry ''mi amor,'' Paulina. She's the wind beneath my wings. :'''Sergio''': Maybe you should keep her beneath your wing. I mean, real catch. :'''Mama Lupe''': Oh, ''[hugs Paco tightly]'' I can't believe ''mi bebe'' is finally getting married. ''[sits on the couch and claps]'' Oh, I could almost cry. :'''Frida''': ''[tearfully]'' Leave that to me. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': On to more important matters, decide on a best man yet? ''[clears throat]'' Say, "Sergio." :'''Paco''': I'm not sure, ''primo.'' It's a big responsibility. :'''Sergio''': Ah, come on, I'm responsible. ''[almost knocks the lamp off; chuckles]'' Hey, plus, I'll throw the best bachelor party ever! ''[hugs his primo, beggingly]'' Please. Oh, please. ''Por favor.'' ''[whimpers while making sad eyes]'' :'''Paco''': Okay, Sergio. Of course you can be my best man. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[waking up]'' Ah, best bachelor party ever. ''[checking his pockets]'' Still got everything? Let's see: wallet, keys, phone, ''las arras.'' ''[holds up the bag and notices a hole in it]'' Ah, crackers! <hr width="50%"> :'''Paco''': ''[squawks after his wedding suit rips and falls off from his body]'' My suit! Must have been the pepperoni I ate last night. It made me bloat. <hr width="50%"> :'''Paco''': Finally, I'm free! ''[looks in shock to see everything in a disaster]'' :'''Stanley''': Boy, bird weddings are fun! :'''Paco''': What's going on? :'''Mama Lupe''': Bad luck, that's what. :'''Rosa''': Nonsense. Every wedding has its setback. :''[The chandelier suddenly falls on the wedding arch]'' :'''Mama Lupe''': This is more than setbacks, it can only be due to one thing. ''Las arras!'' :''[Guitar riff is heard, revealing Hector having to fix his guitar]'' :'''Hector''': Ah, I fixed the strings. ''[the guitar strings break again]'' Chihuahua. :'''Rosa''': Sergio, I thought you said you got ''all'' thirteen coins. :'''Sergio''': I did, I'll prove it. ''[takes out the coins and counts them himself]'' …ten, eleven, thirteen. Booyah! :'''Carl''': You forgot twelve, genius. :'''Rosa''': ''[gasps]'' That means that one lucky coin is still missing! :'''Mama Lupe''': Missing?! ''[grinds her teeth with rage and tries to go after Sergio while the whole family tries to slow her down]'' Let me at him! ''[calms down]'' Aye, without the last lucky coin, the marriage will be cursed with bad luck forever. :''[Paulina has arrived just in time to hear that her and Paco's wedding is and will always be ruined]'' :'''Paco''': Paulina, my love! We don't need luck. ''[Paulina starts to sobbing in tears and runs away; turns to his primo, angrily]'' Thanks a lot, Sergio. You ruined my wedding! ''[flies after Paulina to console her]'' Paulina, please, come back! :'''Sergio''': I guess Paco was right to doubt me, I'm not best man material. ==Episode 8== ===''Let's Get Ready to Rumba (8.1)''=== :'''Rosa''': Hector, what are you doing under the table? :'''Ivan''': Huh! ''You're'' the health inspector who shut down my studio. :'''Sergio''': Ooh, this is gonna be good! ''[eats a bucket of popcorn]'' :'''Rosa''': ''Him?'' He's not a health inspector. He's my husband. :'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Awkward. :'''Ivan''': It seems like you two have a lot to talk about. I'm going to reopen my studio. :'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Time to bounce, everyone! :''[Ivan and the others leave the apartment]'' :'''Rosa''': Hector Casagrande, explain. :'''Hector''': Well, I was tired of hearing you talk about Ivan and his dance class, okay? So, I thought if I shut it down, that would be the end of it. :'''Rosa''': ''[sharped]'' Hector, how could you be ''so'' selfish?! I don't want to talk to you right now. ''[walks to the door, ripping it off, and leaves]'' :'''Bruno''': ''[walks in along with Vito]'' Gee, who could have seen this coming? :'''Hector''': Aww. I need to fix this. :'''Sergio''': ''[burps]'' And I need more popcorn. ===''Perro Malo (8.2)''=== :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[finds Malo scratching his ear, thinking he is Lalo]'' Oh! There you are. ''[picks up the leash and goes towards home as Malo struggles to go the other way]'' That's enough, Lalo. I took you for a walk. Now, let's go home. ''[a man passes them as they go and Malo barks at him]'' What's gotten into you? :'''Becky''': ''[finds Lalo rolling around in a bush, thinking he is Malo]'' There you are, Malo! ''[Lalo licks her in the face, revolted]'' Ew! Kisses? What's gotten into you? <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronnie Anne''': You're lucky you didn't have to walk Lalo. He is ''not'' in a fun mood. :''[Malo chews, rips off, and throws the couch's armrest which Hector is napping on, causing him to roll onto the floor, waking him up]'' :'''Hector''': Hey, Lalo! Why did you do that?! Now I have to go nap in the mercado. :'''Carl''': ''[after Malo takes a bite out of his El Falcón action figure]'' Hey! Lalo ate El Falcón's head! :'''Carlota''': ''[bare-footed as Malo starts chewing on her pair of boots by the door]'' Those are my new boots! :'''Bobby''': Lalo, what's going on with you? ''[screams as Malo bares his teeth, growling at him]'' :'''Carlota''': We better figure it out. Abuelo hates when pets misbehave. :'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' I woke him up once. Almost made parrot tacos out of me. :'''CJ''': Parrot tacos? Ew! :'''Sergio''': Hey! I'd make a great taco. ''[Malo visualizes him as a taco and tries to eat him; flies away]'' I take it back! I'd make a terrible taco! <hr width="50%"> :'''Maybelle''': ''[after Malo barges into the mercado, knocking her over]'' This is an awful shopping experience! :'''Hector''': Grab his leash before he destroys my entire mercado! :'''Bobby''': I got this! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronnie Anne''': I can't believe this is the last time we'll ever see Lalo. :'''CJ''': I'm gonna miss him so much. :'''Carlota''': ''[starts sobbing]'' This is the saddest day ever! ''[waters her eyes like Frida's]'' Ay, I've turned into Mom. <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': Wait a minute. There's ''two'' of them?! :''[Lalo and Malo go to their real owners after sniffing each other's tails]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[after Lalo licks her]'' Now ''this'' is our Lalo. :'''Becky''': ''[growls back at Malo after he growls at her]'' And this is ''my'' Malo! :'''Carlota''': Okay, I don't follow. :'''Hector''': I think I know what's going on. When I adopted Lalo, I chose from a litter of ''perritos.'' ''[Flashback to the day he adopted Lalo as a puppy]'' But one of them was clearly not for our familia. I called it a perro malo. And the woman giving the puppies away said Malo was the perfect name, 'cause he was bad to the bone. Then I saw another puppy who was the complete opposite, showing me lots of love. So I decided to call him, Lalo! :''[Flashback ends]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': They must have switched places when I was walking Lalo. I should have been paying attention to him instead of trying to watch the show. ''[to Lalo]'' I'm so sorry, boy. ==Episode 9== ===''Don't Zoo That (9.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> :'''Mrs. Chang''': Last badge, habitat maintenance. :'''Carl''': Awesome! I'm great at that. ''[confused]'' Uh, what is that? :'''Mrs. Chang''': It means you'll be building a home for one of our new and endangered animals. Lois, the Galapagos Tortoise. :'''CJ''': She's beautiful! :'''Mrs. Chang''': Yes she is, CJ, and she needs a special habitat to thrive. ''[points to bamboos and rocks as materials]'' Here are some building materials. Okay, good luck. Be back in a sec! Oh, and keep this gate closed. Lois likes to run out. ''[closes the gate and leaves]'' :'''Adelaide''': As group leader, I say we use bamboo for the base of a shelter. :'''Carl''': No way, we should use rocks. :'''Adelaide''': Fine, then I'm doing my ''own'' habitat. <hr width="50%"> ===''Maxed Out (9.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 10== ===''Skatey Cat (10.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Weather Beaten (10.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 11== ===''Race Against the Machine (11.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''My Fair Cat Lady (11.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 12== ===''Survival of the Unfittest (12.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Nixed Signals (12.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 13== ===''Ay Fidelity (13.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Cut the Chisme (13.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> :''[Evening at the Casagrande apartment]'' :'''Hector''': ''[entering]'' ''Hola,'' I'm home! Ho, you guys will never believe what Vito wears to bed. ''[sees his whole family, really annoyed at him]'' What? You already know about the bunny pajamas? :'''Carl''': No, Abuelo. This is a convention. :'''Carlos''': Actually Carl, the word is, "intervention." :'''Rosa''': Hector, your chisme addiction is embarrassing your family. :'''Bobby''': And making the customers mad. :'''Frida''': You're a chismoso. And by that I mean, you're the biggest gossip in town. :'''Hector''': What?! I'm not a gossip! <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 14== ===''Sidekickin' Chicken (14.1)''=== :'''Alexis''': It is I, Tuba Boy! :'''Sergio''': Tuba Boy? :''[Carl and Sergio see Alexis, in his Tuba Boy superhero costume with his mom recording]'' :'''Alexis''': Look, Mama! Tuba Boy, tu-ba rescue! :'''Carl''': Alexis is submitting a sidekick too? :'''Sergio''': And his costume looks amazing. :'''Carl''': Yeah, and mine's trash. I really need to step it up if I'm gonna win this contest! <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': ''[bumps into Adelaide, in her Pandalaide superhero costume]'' Adelaide, are you doing the contest too? :'''Adelaide''': Better believe it. The name's Pandalaide! I've got panda power and sweet panda dance moves! :'''Carl''': But you don't even watch "El Falcón." :'''Adelaide''': You're right, 'cause the show has no strong female character, but that's where I come in! <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': Ooh, the letter from the show! ''[reading]'' "Dear Carl Casagrande, thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, we didn't find El Pollito to be a very convincing sidekick." ''[whimpers with heartbreak]'' What? :'''Sergio''': Sorry, Carl. Crackers on me tonight. :'''Alexis''': ''[showing up along with Adelaide]'' Carl, we made it into the final round! What about you? :'''Carl''': ''[tearing up, upset]'' I-I didn't make it. ''[lays his head flat on the ground, sobbing]'' :'''Alexis''': Hey, you seem upset. You want a hug? It's one of Tuba Boy's powers. :'''Carl''': No, I'm fine! Everything's fine! :'''Adelaide''': Okay. Well, wish us luck. :'''Carl''': ''[crumples up the letter, angrily]'' These judges got it all wrong! El Pollito's not convincing? Oh, I'll convince them all right! :'''Sergio''': Ooh, whatcha thinking? Blackmail? I know a pigeon. :'''Carl''': No, we're gonna make another tape to prove the judges wrong. This time, we'll show El Pollito doing heroic acts. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bobby''': Carl, what's wrong with you?! :'''Carl''': I'm stopping Miranda from stealing all the newspapers. Read all about it! El Pollito saves the day! :'''Miranda''': ''[annoyed]'' I'm recycling them. These are from yesterday. <hr width="50%"> :'''Adelaide''': We did it! You're safe now. ''[unties Sergio]'' :'''Sergio''': My heroes! :'''Adelaide''': Sergio? :'''Alexis''': Why are you dressed as a baby? :'''Sergio''': Carl's idea! He wanted to look like a hero for the show. :''[Carl frees himself and falls flat on the ground]'' :'''Adelaide''': Carl, you put Sergio in ''real'' danger just to rescue him? :'''Carl''': ''[sighs sadly]'' It's true. I wanted to convince the show they were wrong for not picking me, but obviously, I totally blew it. Sorry. Turns out, I'm not much of a hero. :'''Sergio''': You're telling me. ===''Silent Fight (14.2)''=== :'''Frida''': ''[whispering angrily to Carl and CJ, breaking up their fighting]'' Are you kidding me?! If either of you wakes Carlitos… ''[fiercely]'' …'''you're grounded for a month!''' No, '''''two months!''''' <hr width="50%"> :''[Carl runs off and throws CJ's hair clippers out the window, shaving Vito's head]'' :'''Vito''': Hey, free haircut! :'''CJ''': ''[whispers]'' My clippers. ''[growls at Carl; dashes off and back with Carl's El Falcón shoes, and throws them out the window]'' :'''Vito''': (Huh?) Hey, free shoes! ''[puts the shoes on his feet]'' Check out my new look. <hr width="50%"> :'''Frida''': ''[wakes up and sees Carl and CJ trying to tiptoe out of the room after they woke up Carlitos, making him cry]'' Hold it right there! That's it! You two are grounded! :'''CJ''': But... :'''Carl''': Mom... :'''Carlos''': And why are you dressed as sheep? :'''Frida''': I don't even care! No buts, no moms. Go to your room, and I better not hear a peep from either one of you for the rest of the afternoon! :'''CJ and Carl''': This is your fault! :'''Frida''': ''[angrily whispering]'' Hey, I said, not…a…'''''peep'''''. <hr width="50%"> :'''Carlos''': Look at that, Frida! They managed to make up on their own. :'''Frida''': Shh! :'''Carlos''': Oops. Sorry, Frida. I got too excited. :''[Carlitos starts wailing off-screen]'' :'''Frida''': ''[angrily]'' And now, ''YOU'RE'' grounded! ''[walks off]'' :'''Carlos''': Wait, for how long?! ==Episode 15== ===''Kick Some Bot (15.1)''=== :'''Adelaide''': Mom, Sid. Mom. Guess what? My unicorn princess outfit won first place for Cutest Cosplay! ''[holds up a 1st place ribbon]'' :'''Becca''': Honey, that is the most amazing news I've ever heard. I'm so proud of you! :'''Adelaide''': Thanks. I deserved it. Look at me! ''[pulls a string on her party horn, shooting out confetti and lands on Sid]'' :'''Becca''': I'll add this ribbon to the Adelaide Wall of Fame. :'''Sid''': Keep some shelf space open for me. I finished a whole slice of pizza in one bite. It took a lot of courage in mouth space, but I didn't give up. ''[stretches her mouth open wide]'' :'''Becca''': Wow, a whole slice. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sid''': ''[while braiding Ronnie Anne's hair]'' My mom was giving Adelaide ''all'' the attention, and I was sitting there like, "Hello? I'm your daughter too." :'''Ronnie Anne''': Ugh. Sounds rough. I'm impressed with your pizza eating abilities. :'''Sid''': Thanks, but I feel like I have to do something big to make her proud of me. Ooh! I know! Maybe I'll eat ''two'' slices of pizza in one bite! Hit me, Breakfast Bot! ''[stretches her mouth wide open and Breakfast Bot stuffs the two pizza slices into her mouth]'' Pretty impressive, right? :'''Ronnie Anne''': Uh, that's cool, but you're also awesome with robots. :'''Breakfast Bot''': '''You know it, girl.''' :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[holding up her phone]'' And look! There's a Robotics Competition coming up right here in Great Lakes City! :'''Sid''': Winning that would definitely impress my mom! ''[burps]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[groans from the smell]'' Too bad there isn't a Strongest Pepperoni Burp Competition. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sid''': From the looks of things, I could actually win this. :'''Lisa''': ''[showing up; clears throat]'' Maybe you need your vision checked because your competition just got stiffer. :'''Sid''': Lisa Loud?! I subscribed to your monthly newsletter! You're competing too? :'''Lisa''': Yep. ''[presses her wrist watch]'' Todd, initiate grand entrance. ''[Todd emerges from the smoke cloud and zooms off with his name written in cloud form, as Sid watches in shock with her jaw dropped]'' May the best bot win. <hr width="50%"> :''[Maybelle and Mangobot get eliminated from the competition after Mangobot failed to show his cleaning skill]'' :'''Maybelle''': We'll get 'em next time, Mangobot. :'''Mangobot''': ''[sadly]'' Mango. <hr width="50%"> :''[Vito and Robbie are eliminated from the competition after Robbie failed to make a slam dunk in the hoop]'' :'''Vito''': Let's get you some ice cream. :'''Robbie''': '''Rocky Road always cheers me up.''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Breakfast Bot''': ''[presenting his plate of a stacked pancakes to the judges during the semifinal challenge]'' '''I make this look ''and'' taste good.''' :'''Judge #1''': ''[amazed]'' Ah, looks delicious! :'''Judge #3''': Wow! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sid''': Todd even outdid us at breakfast, and you're Breakfast Bot! This is gonna be harder than we thought. :'''Breakfast Bot''': '''This isn't your best pep talk.''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Lisa''': Todd, initiate guitar riff. :''[Todd wheels up on stage and makes an incredible riffing on his keyboard guitar]'' :'''Sid''': Those are some sweet riffs. But we can beat that, Breakfast Bot. :'''Lisa''': Todd, initiate drums. :''[Todd takes out an electric drum set and plays both his instruments]'' :'''Sid''': All right, he can do both at the same time. But we're still not done for. :'''Lisa''': Todd, initiate rap. :'''Todd''': ''[rapping]'' '''♪ T-O-Double-D / Can't you see I'm on a mission? / Coming in hot about to win this competition / Did I say something wrong? / 'Cause you look kind of annoyed / Well, I guess that's what you get / When you try to beat an android ♪''' :'''Sid''': Ugh, why's it got to be so catchy?! ''[turns to Breakfast Bot, who's jamming out to the electronic music, snaps him out of it]'' Stop it! We got to focus. We haven't even picked your talent yet. :'''Lisa''': Initiate mic-drop finale. <hr width="50%"> :'''Breakfast Bot''': ''[putting on a Lucha wrestling mask]'' '''Activate''' '''''Lucha Fight Mode!''''' :'''Sid''': Oh, no! I didn't realize I put the Lucha disc in there! It's programmed to wrestle all the other robots! ===''Salvador Doggy (15.2)''=== :'''Frida''': ''[angrily punches her painting with a hole]'' Terrible! You call this art?! ''[throws her painting on the ground, kicks it, and starts to sob]'' My showcase is tomorrow and I have no work to showcase at the showcase! This is the ''worst'' painter's block I've had in years. Oh, I know. I can listen to my favorite podcast. That should help. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[enters the apartment, wearing a scuba suit]'' Ready for our scuba lesson? ''[Lalo explains to him, gesturing the painting]'' You squiggled on paper. Congrats. ''[Lalo continues explaining]'' You gotta make ten more? For Frida? What's in it for you? Diddly-squat? Hold up. It's time I teach you about the law of supply and demand. If you're gonna supply, you gotta demand. :''[Later, Frida returns with supplies]'' :'''Frida''': Lalo, I'm back! Ready to paint? :'''Sergio''': ''[halting her]'' Not so fast. I'm Lalo's manager. ''[takes out a fake business card]'' For every painting my client makes, he's gotta get something out of it too. As does his manager. If you could, uh, please sign this contract. ''[takes out a lengthy contract]'' :'''Frida''': Ugh, fine. Anything to get more paintings. ''[signs the contract]'' :'''Sergio''': Initial here, here, here, here, here. Don't forget there. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': And now my client will be retiring for the evening. :'''Frida''': What?! But I need more paintings by tomorrow. :'''Sergio''': And Lalo needs his beauty sleep. He can finish in the morning. ''[he and Lalo leave]'' :'''Frida''': ''[growls angrily and lets out a scream so loud it can be heard outside the apartment; sighs while preparing for bed]'' Well, hopefully we can get the rest finished tomorrow. ''[finds Sergio in the bed and shrieks]'' :'''Sergio''': Excuse me. The artiste is trying to sleep. :'''Frida''': ''[confused]'' What? ''[lifts the covers, revealing Lalo snoring]'' Lalo?! But this is ''my'' bed! Where am I supposed to sleep?! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[yawns]'' Slept like a baby. That bed is comfy. Don't just stand there. Here's our breakfast order. ''[unveils a long breakfast list]'' :'''Frida''': ''[furiously losing it]'' That's it! ''[rips up the list]'' The deal's off! I'll find another artist, Lalo! You're not the only dog in town! ''[storms off]'' :'''Sergio''': Sheesh. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the doggy bed. <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 16== ===''The Wrust Job (16.1)''=== :'''Sid''': Oh, man. I wanna intern at your mercado with Mr. Inflatable. That guy gets to wave hello to people all day. :'''Ronnie Anne''': I wanna work at Bruno's hot dog cart. What could be easier than serving the world's greatest hot dogs for a week? It'll be a breeze. <hr width="50%"> :'''Vito''': Remember, Sameer, a hot dog for breakfast is the most important dog of the day. Let's see how you are at ordering. :'''Sameer''': Two dogs for Mr. Vito, please. :'''Vito''': Whoa! Very good! You are going places, mister. :'''Ronnie Anne''': Sameer, are you interning for Vito? :'''Sameer''': Yeah. I was wondered what he did for a living. :'''Ronnie Anne''': So, what does he do? :'''Sameer''': I don't know. He says he's about to make a comeback, but, comeback to what? It's a mystery. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bruno''': Now that we're done with the morning rush, it's time to study up on the menu. :'''Ronnie Anne''': Not to brag, but, I've eaten your Dragged Through the Garden dog like, a million times. :'''Bruno''': That's great, but, I got 50 other dogs. If you're gonna sell 'em, then you gotta know how they taste. :'''Ronnie Anne''': I thought you'd never ask! <hr width="50%"> :''[As Ronnie Anne wakes up the next morning, she notices that her family has disappeared, except for Lalo, who's still at the mercado]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': Hey, Sid. Have you seen my family? :'''Sid''': Everyone just went to the park for the hot dog eating contest. :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[worried with shock]'' Oh, no! If Bruno sees Bobby there, he'll know I was lying! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bruno''': Ronnie Anne? What are you doing here? :'''Ronnie Anne''': I'm sorry, Bruno. I lied about Bobby breaking his arm. I didn't want to come to work today because I didn't realize how hard your job is. But I'm here now, and I'm gonna help you. :'''Bruno''': I appreciate the apology, Ronnie Anne, but it's too late. I'm a laughing stock. ===''The Sound of Meddle (16.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 17== ===''Alpaca Lies (17.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Rocket Plan (17.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==''Phantom Freakout (Episode 18)''== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> :'''Director''': CUT! Someone clean up that mess, and stop playing that nightmare music! :'''Sid''': This is ''not'' going the way I planned, but I did get to smell Yoon Kwan just now, so it's kinda going how I planned. <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 19== ===''The Odd Father (19.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''The Long Shot (19.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 20== ===''Flock This Way (20.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Movers and Fakers (20.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==External links== [[Category:Children's television seasons]] lh3eiqtsy998s7sgaeq7accwon707vs 3157899 3157898 2022-08-25T17:33:24Z 162.197.99.132 /* Kick Some Bot (15.1) */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---------------- :'''Seasons:''' [[The Loud House/Season 1|1]] [[The Loud House/Season 2|2]] [[The Loud House/Season 3|3]] [[The Loud House/Season 4|4]] [[The Loud House/Season 5|5]] [[The Loud House/Season 6|6]] ([[The Loud House|Main]]) | '''[[The Casagrandes|Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]]) --------------- ==Episode 1== ===''Bend It Like Abuelo (1.1)''=== :'''Ronnie Anne, Sergio, and CJ''': Gatos, Gatos, Gatos, Gatos! :'''Rosa''': ''[bursts into the mercado with a broomstick]'' Gatos?! Where, where?! :'''Ronnie Anne''': Not ''real'' cats, Abuela. ''[points to the orange team banner]'' The soccer team! :'''Rosa''': Oh. Well, when those ''real'' gatos get here, I'll be ready. ''[leaves the mercado]'' :'''Vito''': I don't know what you's are so excited about. Everyone knows the gatos lose every game. :'''Hector''': This is not just a game. ''[rips off his sweater, revealing a gato t-shirt]'' It's the Crosslake Championship! :'''Vito''': ''[mockingly]'' Oh. So they're gonna be big losers! I've got my money on anyone who's ''not'' The Gatos. ''[rips off his own shirt, revealing a t-shirt with a "No" sign covering the team logo]'' :'''Hector''': ''[aghast; comes from behind the counter and bumps Vito]'' Just wait. Our star player, Picosito, is gonna win this year. When he's hot, ay-yi-yi, he's hot! :'''Vito''': Too bad he's been ice cold for years. <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> :'''Hector''': I'm never washing my head again! :'''Rosa''': When did you start? <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Bunstoppable (1.2)''=== :''[Stanley is telling Sid, Adelaide, Breakfast Bot, and the three pets a story about their ancestors in a book]'' :'''Stanley''': ''[narrating the story]'' ''Once upon a time, thousands of years ago, our ancestors lived in Clear Water Village. They farmed the land and enjoyed a peaceful life, until one day, the village was attacked by the infamous Han Family Bandits!'' ''[imitating the bandits]'' ''"Hand over all your food or we will destroy your village!"'' :'''Adelaide''': Oh, no! And then they destroyed it? :'''Sid''': Shh! Dad's getting to that! Dad, can you get to that? :'''Stanley''': As I was saying, our calm wise, ''and very handsome Ancestor Chang,'' who some say looks a lot like me… :'''Adelaide''': Focus, Dad! :'''Stanley''': ''[clears throat]'' He realized that the Han family's hunger had driven them to a life of crime. So, he offered them a challenge. ''If he gave them something more delicious than anything they'd ever tasted, they'd have to spare the village. The bandits scoffed, but then Ancestor Chang gave them his goldfish bao, it delighted their eyes, filled their stomachs, and energized their bodies! The bandits lost the challenge! The Han family was so moved, that they gave up their evil ways and became the protectors of Clear Water Village.'' And ''that's'' the story of how this bao recipe saved the day. ''[holds up a goldfish bao, which sparkles]'' It's been passed down through our family for generations. :'''All''': Ooh! :'''Stanley''': ''[to his daughters]'' And now, it's time for me to pass the recipe down to ''you'' two, so you can make bao for the Chinese Cultural Fair today. ''[sniffles a bit with tears streaming down from his eyes]'' My little buns, making their first buns! :'''Sid''': ''[patting her father on the back; touched]'' Aw, Dad. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stanley''': I gotta go to the park and snag the best spot before Mike Liu gets there. ''[chuckles]'' Oh, and I'm gonna need you to make 800 bao just like those two. :'''Sid''': ''[chuckles weakly]'' It sounded like he said eight hundred. :'''Stanley''': I did. Better get started. See you at the park. ''[leaves again]'' :'''Adelaide''': But it took us forever to make ''two!'' :'''Sid''': ''[whining]'' At this rate, we'll be Dad's age by the time we finish! There ''HAS'' to be a better way! ''[gets an idea]'' That's it! <hr width="50%"> :'''Vito''': ''[while Hui warms up his nunchucks]'' Oh, bunch of tough guys, huh? ''[starts swinging his linked sausage nunchucks around, but manages to snare himself]'' Is it over? Did I win? :'''Maybelle''': ''[while wrestling with Woo over her grocery bag]'' You ain't gettin' these mangoes! ''[kicks Woo away]'' <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 2== ===''Squawk in the Name of Love (2.1)''=== :''[Carl and Adelaide find Sergio laying on the couch, bawling in tears while binging ice cream]'' :'''Adelaide''': Are you okay, Sergio? :'''Sergio''': Priscilla dumped me…''AGAIN!'' ''[sobbing]'' :'''Adelaide''': Oh. I'm so sorry, Sergio. :'''Carl''': You guys break up all the time. Just find a new girlfriend. There's plenty of birds in the sky. :'''Sergio''': I tried. Total fail. ''[Flashback to the moments of him trying to get a new girlfriend bird]'' One had terrible manners. ''[The female pelican launches a fish at him and he falls off]'' One just didn't listen. ''[holds up his phone showing a photo of Ronnie Anne to an owl]'' And for the fifth time, this is Ronnie Anne. ''[The owl hoots and he face palms himself; then seen having a dinner date with a female eagle]'' One was too aggressive. So, you like smaller birds? ''[The female eagle caws and picks him up and flies off into the sky; fading back to present]'' None lived up to sweet Priscilla. :'''Adelaide''': Why did she dump you? :'''Sergio''': No idea. ''[holds up his phone, showing them a photo of Priscilla annoyingly massaging his feet]'' Look at all the fun we had together. This is her giving me a foot massage, ''[scrolls down to another photo of them at Sancho's place]'' this is us at Sancho's watching the game, ''[scrolls to another photo of her massaging his feet while still at Sancho's]'' this is her giving me a foot massage ''while'' watching the game. :'''Adelaide''': She looks miserable! :'''Sergio''': Nah. That's just her resting ostrich face. ''[scrolls to a photo of Priscilla]'' :'''Adelaide''': It's clear what the problem is. You didn't treat her like a princess. It's okay, I can teach you how to act like a prince and win her back. :'''Sergio''': I'm not so sure. :''[The female eagle caws from outside the window, staring deadly at Sergio]'' :'''Carl''': Look, the eagle's back for a second day! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[with a bump on his head and a black eye, after getting hit by a microphone, via, thrown by Priscilla]'' And then she threw the microphone at me! :'''Adelaide''': Sounds like you deserved it. I'm up for you to write a song about Priscilla, and how you feel about her. :'''Sergio''': Ohhh. :'''Adelaide''': What if you surprised her with a delicious picnic? :'''Sergio''': Yeah. She'll love it. I'll get her a ''real'' feast. <hr width="50%"> :'''Adelaide''': Bow and kiss the queen's hand, then say the following. :'''Sergio''': Frank, Estelle, it is truly an honor. ''[kisses Estelle's foot, much to her approval]'' :'''Adelaide''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside lovely Priscilla. :'''Sergio''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside ugly Priscilla. :'''Adelaide''': I said lovely, you dope! :'''Sergio''': ''[stammering]'' I said lovely, you dope! Uh, I mean, you're so dope. High five. What? :'''Adelaide''': The moment I laid my eyes on her, I said to myself… ''[starts hitting the radio as it starts crackling and randomly plays country music]'' :'''Sergio''': ''[starts square dancing]'' Yee-haw! You're listening to GLC's number one country station. <hr width="50%"> :'''Adelaide''': ''[fighting with Nico as he plays along with the radio]'' Uh… Not now, you monkey! :'''Sergio''': Uh… ''[snapping]'' NOT NOW, YOU MONKEY! <hr width="50%"> :'''Adelaide''': Aww, so sweet. And they lived happily ever after. Now, if I could just get out of this tree. ===''Date with Destiny (2.2)''=== :'''Ernesto''': ''Buenos dias, mis estrellitas.'' Today, I am talking about the water sign. :'''Rosa''': Oh, Maria, that's you. :'''Ernesto''': A lifetime of happiness is in sight if… :'''Rosa, Ronnie Anne, and Bobby''': If… :'''Ernesto''': You're back with your ex by tonight. ''Es tu destino!'' :'''Rosa''': Maria, you're getting back together with Arturo. I knew it. :'''Maria''': Ugh, ay, Mama. You know I don't believe in any of that Ernesto stuff. :'''Carlos''': Yeah, me neither. But it's so weird because the other day he predicted… ''[flashback to the day he was brushing his teeth, squeezes the toothpaste tube and cash comes out]'' I'd find treasure in the bathroom. Check it out. It smells like mint. :'''Hector''': Money in the bathroom?! ''[dashes into the bathroom]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Maria''': Well, Ernesto's prediction for me can't possibly come true. I won't even be seeing Arturo today. I'm helping Frida with an art project all day, and Arturo is flying off to a medical convention in an hour. ''[walks away]'' :'''Rosa''': Trust me, ''mis niños,'' Ernesto's predictions ''always'' come true. :'''Bobby''': What if Ernesto ''is'' right? :'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom and Dad are ''not'' getting back together. ''Are'' they? :'''Bobby''': If they did, it would mean a lifetime of happiness for all of us! :'''Ronnie Anne''': I guess it's worth a shot. All we have to do is get them together by tonight and let the magic happen. :'''Rosa''': ''[pops up between them]'' You know, your mom and dad had their first date at the pier, so maybe if they met there. :'''Ronnie Anne''': Good idea, Abuela! I'll pick Mom up from the gallery. You stop Dad from getting on that plane. <hr width="50%"> :''[Ronnie Anne arrives at Frida's art studio, looking for her mother]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[looking around]'' Mom! Mom, are you here? :'''Maria''': ''[in a large orange piñata statue]'' Ronnie Anne, is that you? :'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, what happened to you? :'''Maria''': Frida. When I agreed to do this life-size mold for her art installation, I didn't expect to be in plaster for four hours. <hr width="50%"> :''[Bobby runs up to Arturo's place as he puts his suitcase in the taxi trunk]'' :'''Arturo''': Bobby, what are you doing here? I'm just on my way to the airport. :'''Bobby''': In a taxi? No, that's so impersonal. Let your son drive you. :'''Arturo''': No, ''mijo.'' It's okay. I don't want to be a bother. :'''Bobby''': It's no bother. And these taxis charge an arm and a leg to get to the airport. :''[The taxi driver clears his throat]'' :'''Arturo''': My company's paying for it. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronnie Anne''': Oh, no. We didn't do all this work just so another ex could swoop in and ruin everything! :'''Bobby''': Yeah, let that T-Bone find his ''own'' lifetime of happiness! :'''T-Bone''': Hey, would you like to have dinner with me tonight at our place? :'''Bobby''': They have a place?! :'''Maria''': ''[blushing]'' You remember the pizza place? I'll meet you there tonight at 7:00. I better go freshen up. ''[rushes off]'' :'''Ernesto''': You better fix this ''rapido'' or you're gonna be stuck with ''this'' guy! :'''Ronnie Anne''': We have to get rid of T-Bone and get Dad to the restaurant. :'''Bobby''': I'll grab Dad and meet you there! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, Dad, are you okay? :'''Arturo''': Mijo, what's gotten into you?! :'''Bobby''': ''We'' did all of this work to get you two here, so we can ''all'' have a lifetime of happiness! You're not leaving here until you get back together again, just like Ernesto said. :'''Maria''': So ''that's'' what this is about. :'''Arturo''': Huh? Can someone tell me what's going on? :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[sighs]'' Ernesto Estrella predicted you guys would get back together tonight. Hearing it out loud now, it does kind of sound silly, huh? :'''Maria''': ''[as she and Arturo smile at each other]'' I don't think it was silly. I mean, we are together tonight. :'''Arturo''': Just not romantically. :'''Bobby''': ''[disappointed]'' Yeah, but, it's just one dumb night. Not a lifetime. :'''Maria''': But we'll be a family for a lifetime. :''[The Santiagos all come in for a group hug]'' :'''Arturo''': And, hey, what if we made it a regular thing? A family pizza night every month. :'''Ernesto''': And BOOM! A lifetime of happiness after all. Ernesto is the best-o! Estrella out! ==''Curse of the Candy Goblin (Episode 3)''== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 4== ===''Skaters Gonna Hate (4.1)''=== :'''Sergio''': Hey, Carlos, who you spying on? :'''Carlos''': How'd you recognize me? And I'm not spying. I'm helping Ronnie Anne beat Tony Hawk's skate team by doing a little…research. :'''Sergio''': You mean, ''cheating?'' :'''Carlos''': I am ''not'' cheating! It's called, ''[shouting]'' RESEARCH! ===''Born to be Mild (4.2)''=== :'''Carl''': What was that all about? :'''Alexis''': Oh, the usual. ''[cleans out his tuba]'' Ricky and Julius picking on me like they do ''every'' day. :'''Carl''': Dude, you let them do this you ''every'' day? Why? :'''Alexis''': What choice do I have? I'm a hugger, not a fighter. :'''Carl''': Well, good luck with that. <hr width="50%"> :'''Alexis''': ''[on the stilts]'' Carl, what am I doing up here? ''[loses his balance]'' :'''Carl''': It's all about attitude! ''[on one of the stilts] ''We're building up your confidence.'' :'''Alexis''': By walking on stilts? :'''Carl''': It's an exercise. If you want to feel big you gotta act big! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': You messed with the ''wrong'' tuba boy! ''[munches on his nails, sharpening them]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Principal Valenzuela''': What is going on here?! :'''Carl''': Hey, Principal Valenzuela. So, funny story-- :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sharply]'' My office, now! ''[Later in her office]'' Okay, start talking. Who started this and why? :'''Carl, Alexis, Ricky and Julius''': They did! :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sighs]'' Fine. Then you're ''all'' going to be suspended! :'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' What?! :'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' Aw, man! :'''Alexis''': Does that mean I ''can't'' go to band practice? ''[starts to cry]'' :'''Carl''': Wait, it was my fault! Don't suspend Alexis! Suspend ''me!'' I wanted him to fight. I thought if he stood up for himself, he wouldn't get picked on anymore. :'''Alexis''': It's not all Carl's fault. He was just trying to help me, and he's right. I ''do'' need to stand up for myself. I just have to do it in my own way. ''[to Ricky and Julius]'' I really don't like when you guys put weird things in my tuba. It's hard to clean, and it always sounds bad afterwards. :'''Ricky''': But I like the funny sounds. ''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat as she seriously looks at both him and Julius; in unison]'' We're sorry. :'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' We won't do it again. :'''Alexis''': Great! So, now can we hug it out? :'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' Oh. :'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' What's a hug? :''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat again and grumbles]'' :'''Julius''': ''[sighs]'' Sure. :''[Alexis hugs both Ricky and Julius together, they all glow in shimmering gold]'' :'''Ricky''': I like hugs! :'''Julius''': Me too! :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Since you used your words to resolve this, no suspension this time. Bravo, boys. ''[The four boys start leaving her office, to Alexis for a second]'' One last thing, Mr. Flores. Are the rumors true? Did you really revenge-poop on a pigeon? ''[whispers]'' All the teachers are dying to know. :'''Alexis''': ''[shrugs]'' Maybe, maybe not. ''[leaves]'' :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[closes her office door]'' Sorry, ladies. I can't confirm ''or'' deny the rumors. :''[Ms. Galiano snaps her fingers in disbelief]'' ==Episode 5== ===''The Bros in the Band (5.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''For the Record (5.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 6== ===''15 Candles (6.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Rook, Line, & Sinker (6.2)''=== :''[Chavez Academy School; Carl and his parents are waiting in Principal Valenzuela's office]'' :'''Frida''': So you have no idea why Principal Valenzuela wanted to talk to us? :'''Carl''': Maybe I'm getting an award for best smile in school. :'''Frida and Carlos''': Hmm. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[enters her office]'' Mr. and Mrs. Casagrande… ''[annoyed]'' Carl, unfortunately, this ''isn't'' good news. :'''Frida''': So he ''didn't'' win best smile? :'''Principal Valenzuela''': No, Alexis won that. He flosses between every class. Carl was caught tricking kids out of their pudding snacks! :''[Frida and Carlos glare at their mijo]'' :'''Carl''': Come on. It was just one time with the pudding. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Just one time, huh? ''[opens up Carl's locker and pudding cups fall on him, much to his parents' horror]'' :'''Carl''': I'm sorry. I just love tricking people. Isn't that what you're always encouraging us do, Principal V, what we love? :'''Principal Valenzuela''': That is not what I meant! :'''Carlos''': We're so sorry, Principal Valenzuela. We're going to take care of this immediately. :'''Frida''': Carl, say you're sorry. (And stop eating the pudding!) :'''Carl''': ''[licking out a pudding cup, not listening]'' From the bottom of my heart, Principal V. You know, I'm gonna go home and have a good long think about my actions. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Oh? Glad to hear it. :'''Carl''': And since I'll be so busy thinking, I'll need to skip homework tonight. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Naturally. :'''Carl''': Great. Mom, Dad, let's go. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[realizes]'' Wait, no homework?! '''''CARL!''''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': ''[enters his and CJ's room, eating more pudding, finding his padre observing the ants in an ant farm]'' Dad, what's with the bugs? :'''Carlos''': Your mother and I think you need a new hobby other than tricking people, so I thought we'd try science. Check it out a real live ant farm three thousand ants digging a tunnel to their queen. :'''Carl''': ''[not interested]'' I wish I could dig a tunnel out of this room. ''[starts tapping the ant farm]'' Stop being boring. :'''Carlos''': Carl, let's not tap the plastic. <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> :'''Carlos''': ''[getting a call from Principal Valenzuela]'' Hey, Principal Valenzuela. ''[Frida gasps in excitement to hear the upcoming news]'' Are you calling to tell us what a good job we did with Carl? :'''Principal Valenzuela''': No! He's somehow worse than before! He tricked the teachers out of giving him tests for the rest of the year! He also keeps calling everyone pawns and saying "checkmate". :'''Carlos''': ''[gasps in horror]'' Carl's now using chess to ''trick'' people! :'''Frida''': ''[starts to sob]'' Oh, no. I'm so sorry, Principal Valenzuela! :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Actually, it's Hall Monitor Valenzuela. Carl tricked me out of my job. ''He's'' the principal now! :'''Carl''': ''[comes out of the office]'' Hey, Valenzuela, quit dawdling. That hall's not gonna monitor itself. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[growls]'' Argh! FIX THIS! :'''Carlos''': Ooh. I've created a monster. ''[looks at the chess board and gets an idea]'' There's only one thing to do - we have to ''beat'' Carl at his own game. <hr width="50%"> ==''The Golden Curse (Episode 7)''== :''[The Casagrandes are all making decorations for Paco and Paulina's wedding; Ronnie Anne, Carl, and CJ have prepared the wedding cake]'' :'''Rosa''': ''[enters the apartment with Mama Lupe and Paco]'' Look, everyone, it's Mama Lupe and Paco, our handsome groom. :'''Frida''': ''Hola.'' :'''Maria''': ''Bienvenidos.'' :'''Carlos''': Hi, Mama Lupe. :'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' ''Primo,'' ready to clip your wings-- I mean, get married? :'''Paco''': ''Claro que si.'' I can't wait to marry ''mi amor,'' Paulina. She's the wind beneath my wings. :'''Sergio''': Maybe you should keep her beneath your wing. I mean, real catch. :'''Mama Lupe''': Oh, ''[hugs Paco tightly]'' I can't believe ''mi bebe'' is finally getting married. ''[sits on the couch and claps]'' Oh, I could almost cry. :'''Frida''': ''[tearfully]'' Leave that to me. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': On to more important matters, decide on a best man yet? ''[clears throat]'' Say, "Sergio." :'''Paco''': I'm not sure, ''primo.'' It's a big responsibility. :'''Sergio''': Ah, come on, I'm responsible. ''[almost knocks the lamp off; chuckles]'' Hey, plus, I'll throw the best bachelor party ever! ''[hugs his primo, beggingly]'' Please. Oh, please. ''Por favor.'' ''[whimpers while making sad eyes]'' :'''Paco''': Okay, Sergio. Of course you can be my best man. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[waking up]'' Ah, best bachelor party ever. ''[checking his pockets]'' Still got everything? Let's see: wallet, keys, phone, ''las arras.'' ''[holds up the bag and notices a hole in it]'' Ah, crackers! <hr width="50%"> :'''Paco''': ''[squawks after his wedding suit rips and falls off from his body]'' My suit! Must have been the pepperoni I ate last night. It made me bloat. <hr width="50%"> :'''Paco''': Finally, I'm free! ''[looks in shock to see everything in a disaster]'' :'''Stanley''': Boy, bird weddings are fun! :'''Paco''': What's going on? :'''Mama Lupe''': Bad luck, that's what. :'''Rosa''': Nonsense. Every wedding has its setback. :''[The chandelier suddenly falls on the wedding arch]'' :'''Mama Lupe''': This is more than setbacks, it can only be due to one thing. ''Las arras!'' :''[Guitar riff is heard, revealing Hector having to fix his guitar]'' :'''Hector''': Ah, I fixed the strings. ''[the guitar strings break again]'' Chihuahua. :'''Rosa''': Sergio, I thought you said you got ''all'' thirteen coins. :'''Sergio''': I did, I'll prove it. ''[takes out the coins and counts them himself]'' …ten, eleven, thirteen. Booyah! :'''Carl''': You forgot twelve, genius. :'''Rosa''': ''[gasps]'' That means that one lucky coin is still missing! :'''Mama Lupe''': Missing?! ''[grinds her teeth with rage and tries to go after Sergio while the whole family tries to slow her down]'' Let me at him! ''[calms down]'' Aye, without the last lucky coin, the marriage will be cursed with bad luck forever. :''[Paulina has arrived just in time to hear that her and Paco's wedding is and will always be ruined]'' :'''Paco''': Paulina, my love! We don't need luck. ''[Paulina starts to sobbing in tears and runs away; turns to his primo, angrily]'' Thanks a lot, Sergio. You ruined my wedding! ''[flies after Paulina to console her]'' Paulina, please, come back! :'''Sergio''': I guess Paco was right to doubt me, I'm not best man material. ==Episode 8== ===''Let's Get Ready to Rumba (8.1)''=== :'''Rosa''': Hector, what are you doing under the table? :'''Ivan''': Huh! ''You're'' the health inspector who shut down my studio. :'''Sergio''': Ooh, this is gonna be good! ''[eats a bucket of popcorn]'' :'''Rosa''': ''Him?'' He's not a health inspector. He's my husband. :'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Awkward. :'''Ivan''': It seems like you two have a lot to talk about. I'm going to reopen my studio. :'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Time to bounce, everyone! :''[Ivan and the others leave the apartment]'' :'''Rosa''': Hector Casagrande, explain. :'''Hector''': Well, I was tired of hearing you talk about Ivan and his dance class, okay? So, I thought if I shut it down, that would be the end of it. :'''Rosa''': ''[sharped]'' Hector, how could you be ''so'' selfish?! I don't want to talk to you right now. ''[walks to the door, ripping it off, and leaves]'' :'''Bruno''': ''[walks in along with Vito]'' Gee, who could have seen this coming? :'''Hector''': Aww. I need to fix this. :'''Sergio''': ''[burps]'' And I need more popcorn. ===''Perro Malo (8.2)''=== :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[finds Malo scratching his ear, thinking he is Lalo]'' Oh! There you are. ''[picks up the leash and goes towards home as Malo struggles to go the other way]'' That's enough, Lalo. I took you for a walk. Now, let's go home. ''[a man passes them as they go and Malo barks at him]'' What's gotten into you? :'''Becky''': ''[finds Lalo rolling around in a bush, thinking he is Malo]'' There you are, Malo! ''[Lalo licks her in the face, revolted]'' Ew! Kisses? What's gotten into you? <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronnie Anne''': You're lucky you didn't have to walk Lalo. He is ''not'' in a fun mood. :''[Malo chews, rips off, and throws the couch's armrest which Hector is napping on, causing him to roll onto the floor, waking him up]'' :'''Hector''': Hey, Lalo! Why did you do that?! Now I have to go nap in the mercado. :'''Carl''': ''[after Malo takes a bite out of his El Falcón action figure]'' Hey! Lalo ate El Falcón's head! :'''Carlota''': ''[bare-footed as Malo starts chewing on her pair of boots by the door]'' Those are my new boots! :'''Bobby''': Lalo, what's going on with you? ''[screams as Malo bares his teeth, growling at him]'' :'''Carlota''': We better figure it out. Abuelo hates when pets misbehave. :'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' I woke him up once. Almost made parrot tacos out of me. :'''CJ''': Parrot tacos? Ew! :'''Sergio''': Hey! I'd make a great taco. ''[Malo visualizes him as a taco and tries to eat him; flies away]'' I take it back! I'd make a terrible taco! <hr width="50%"> :'''Maybelle''': ''[after Malo barges into the mercado, knocking her over]'' This is an awful shopping experience! :'''Hector''': Grab his leash before he destroys my entire mercado! :'''Bobby''': I got this! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronnie Anne''': I can't believe this is the last time we'll ever see Lalo. :'''CJ''': I'm gonna miss him so much. :'''Carlota''': ''[starts sobbing]'' This is the saddest day ever! ''[waters her eyes like Frida's]'' Ay, I've turned into Mom. <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': Wait a minute. There's ''two'' of them?! :''[Lalo and Malo go to their real owners after sniffing each other's tails]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[after Lalo licks her]'' Now ''this'' is our Lalo. :'''Becky''': ''[growls back at Malo after he growls at her]'' And this is ''my'' Malo! :'''Carlota''': Okay, I don't follow. :'''Hector''': I think I know what's going on. When I adopted Lalo, I chose from a litter of ''perritos.'' ''[Flashback to the day he adopted Lalo as a puppy]'' But one of them was clearly not for our familia. I called it a perro malo. And the woman giving the puppies away said Malo was the perfect name, 'cause he was bad to the bone. Then I saw another puppy who was the complete opposite, showing me lots of love. So I decided to call him, Lalo! :''[Flashback ends]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': They must have switched places when I was walking Lalo. I should have been paying attention to him instead of trying to watch the show. ''[to Lalo]'' I'm so sorry, boy. ==Episode 9== ===''Don't Zoo That (9.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> :'''Mrs. Chang''': Last badge, habitat maintenance. :'''Carl''': Awesome! I'm great at that. ''[confused]'' Uh, what is that? :'''Mrs. Chang''': It means you'll be building a home for one of our new and endangered animals. Lois, the Galapagos Tortoise. :'''CJ''': She's beautiful! :'''Mrs. Chang''': Yes she is, CJ, and she needs a special habitat to thrive. ''[points to bamboos and rocks as materials]'' Here are some building materials. Okay, good luck. Be back in a sec! Oh, and keep this gate closed. Lois likes to run out. ''[closes the gate and leaves]'' :'''Adelaide''': As group leader, I say we use bamboo for the base of a shelter. :'''Carl''': No way, we should use rocks. :'''Adelaide''': Fine, then I'm doing my ''own'' habitat. <hr width="50%"> ===''Maxed Out (9.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 10== ===''Skatey Cat (10.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Weather Beaten (10.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 11== ===''Race Against the Machine (11.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''My Fair Cat Lady (11.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 12== ===''Survival of the Unfittest (12.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Nixed Signals (12.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 13== ===''Ay Fidelity (13.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Cut the Chisme (13.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> :''[Evening at the Casagrande apartment]'' :'''Hector''': ''[entering]'' ''Hola,'' I'm home! Ho, you guys will never believe what Vito wears to bed. ''[sees his whole family, really annoyed at him]'' What? You already know about the bunny pajamas? :'''Carl''': No, Abuelo. This is a convention. :'''Carlos''': Actually Carl, the word is, "intervention." :'''Rosa''': Hector, your chisme addiction is embarrassing your family. :'''Bobby''': And making the customers mad. :'''Frida''': You're a chismoso. And by that I mean, you're the biggest gossip in town. :'''Hector''': What?! I'm not a gossip! <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 14== ===''Sidekickin' Chicken (14.1)''=== :'''Alexis''': It is I, Tuba Boy! :'''Sergio''': Tuba Boy? :''[Carl and Sergio see Alexis, in his Tuba Boy superhero costume with his mom recording]'' :'''Alexis''': Look, Mama! Tuba Boy, tu-ba rescue! :'''Carl''': Alexis is submitting a sidekick too? :'''Sergio''': And his costume looks amazing. :'''Carl''': Yeah, and mine's trash. I really need to step it up if I'm gonna win this contest! <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': ''[bumps into Adelaide, in her Pandalaide superhero costume]'' Adelaide, are you doing the contest too? :'''Adelaide''': Better believe it. The name's Pandalaide! I've got panda power and sweet panda dance moves! :'''Carl''': But you don't even watch "El Falcón." :'''Adelaide''': You're right, 'cause the show has no strong female character, but that's where I come in! <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': Ooh, the letter from the show! ''[reading]'' "Dear Carl Casagrande, thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, we didn't find El Pollito to be a very convincing sidekick." ''[whimpers with heartbreak]'' What? :'''Sergio''': Sorry, Carl. Crackers on me tonight. :'''Alexis''': ''[showing up along with Adelaide]'' Carl, we made it into the final round! What about you? :'''Carl''': ''[tearing up, upset]'' I-I didn't make it. ''[lays his head flat on the ground, sobbing]'' :'''Alexis''': Hey, you seem upset. You want a hug? It's one of Tuba Boy's powers. :'''Carl''': No, I'm fine! Everything's fine! :'''Adelaide''': Okay. Well, wish us luck. :'''Carl''': ''[crumples up the letter, angrily]'' These judges got it all wrong! El Pollito's not convincing? Oh, I'll convince them all right! :'''Sergio''': Ooh, whatcha thinking? Blackmail? I know a pigeon. :'''Carl''': No, we're gonna make another tape to prove the judges wrong. This time, we'll show El Pollito doing heroic acts. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bobby''': Carl, what's wrong with you?! :'''Carl''': I'm stopping Miranda from stealing all the newspapers. Read all about it! El Pollito saves the day! :'''Miranda''': ''[annoyed]'' I'm recycling them. These are from yesterday. <hr width="50%"> :'''Adelaide''': We did it! You're safe now. ''[unties Sergio]'' :'''Sergio''': My heroes! :'''Adelaide''': Sergio? :'''Alexis''': Why are you dressed as a baby? :'''Sergio''': Carl's idea! He wanted to look like a hero for the show. :''[Carl frees himself and falls flat on the ground]'' :'''Adelaide''': Carl, you put Sergio in ''real'' danger just to rescue him? :'''Carl''': ''[sighs sadly]'' It's true. I wanted to convince the show they were wrong for not picking me, but obviously, I totally blew it. Sorry. Turns out, I'm not much of a hero. :'''Sergio''': You're telling me. ===''Silent Fight (14.2)''=== :'''Frida''': ''[whispering angrily to Carl and CJ, breaking up their fighting]'' Are you kidding me?! If either of you wakes Carlitos… ''[fiercely]'' …'''you're grounded for a month!''' No, '''''two months!''''' <hr width="50%"> :''[Carl runs off and throws CJ's hair clippers out the window, shaving Vito's head]'' :'''Vito''': Hey, free haircut! :'''CJ''': ''[whispers]'' My clippers. ''[growls at Carl; dashes off and back with Carl's El Falcón shoes, and throws them out the window]'' :'''Vito''': (Huh?) Hey, free shoes! ''[puts the shoes on his feet]'' Check out my new look. <hr width="50%"> :'''Frida''': ''[wakes up and sees Carl and CJ trying to tiptoe out of the room after they woke up Carlitos, making him cry]'' Hold it right there! That's it! You two are grounded! :'''CJ''': But... :'''Carl''': Mom... :'''Carlos''': And why are you dressed as sheep? :'''Frida''': I don't even care! No buts, no moms. Go to your room, and I better not hear a peep from either one of you for the rest of the afternoon! :'''CJ and Carl''': This is your fault! :'''Frida''': ''[angrily whispering]'' Hey, I said, not…a…'''''peep'''''. <hr width="50%"> :'''Carlos''': Look at that, Frida! They managed to make up on their own. :'''Frida''': Shh! :'''Carlos''': Oops. Sorry, Frida. I got too excited. :''[Carlitos starts wailing off-screen]'' :'''Frida''': ''[angrily]'' And now, ''YOU'RE'' grounded! ''[walks off]'' :'''Carlos''': Wait, for how long?! ==Episode 15== ===''Kick Some Bot (15.1)''=== :'''Adelaide''': Mom, Sid. Mom. Guess what? My unicorn princess outfit won first place for Cutest Cosplay! ''[holds up a 1st place ribbon]'' :'''Becca''': Honey, that is the most amazing news I've ever heard. I'm so proud of you! :'''Adelaide''': Thanks. I deserved it. Look at me! ''[pulls a string on her party horn, shooting out confetti and lands on Sid]'' :'''Becca''': I'll add this ribbon to the Adelaide Wall of Fame. :'''Sid''': Keep some shelf space open for me. I finished a whole slice of pizza in one bite. It took a lot of courage in mouth space, but I didn't give up. ''[stretches her mouth open wide]'' :'''Becca''': Wow, a whole slice. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sid''': ''[while braiding Ronnie Anne's hair]'' My mom was giving Adelaide ''all'' the attention, and I was sitting there like, "Hello? I'm your daughter too." :'''Ronnie Anne''': Ugh. Sounds rough. I'm impressed with your pizza eating abilities. :'''Sid''': Thanks, but I feel like I have to do something big to make her proud of me. Ooh! I know! Maybe I'll eat ''two'' slices of pizza in one bite! Hit me, Breakfast Bot! ''[stretches her mouth wide open and Breakfast Bot stuffs the two pizza slices into her mouth]'' Pretty impressive, right? :'''Ronnie Anne''': Uh, that's cool, but you're also awesome with robots. :'''Breakfast Bot''': '''You know it, girl.''' :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[holding up her phone]'' And look! There's a Robotics Competition coming up right here in Great Lakes City! :'''Sid''': Winning that would definitely impress my mom! ''[burps]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[groans from the smell]'' Too bad there isn't a Strongest Pepperoni Burp Competition. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sid''': From the looks of things, I could actually win this. :'''Lisa''': ''[showing up; clears throat]'' Maybe you need your vision checked because your competition just got stiffer. :'''Sid''': Lisa Loud?! I subscribed to your monthly newsletter! You're competing too? :'''Lisa''': Yep. ''[presses her wrist watch]'' Todd, initiate grand entrance. ''[Todd emerges from the smoke cloud and zooms off with his name written in cloud form, as Sid watches in shock with her jaw dropped]'' May the best bot win. <hr width="50%"> :''[Maybelle and Mangobot get eliminated from the competition after Mangobot failed to show off his cleaning skill]'' :'''Maybelle''': We'll get 'em next time, Mangobot. :'''Mangobot''': ''[sadly]'' '''Mango.''' <hr width="50%"> :''[Vito and Robbie are eliminated from the competition after Robbie failed to make a slam dunk in the hoop]'' :'''Vito''': Let's get you some ice cream. :'''Robbie''': '''Rocky Road always cheers me up.''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Breakfast Bot''': ''[presenting his plate of a stacked pancakes to the judges during the semifinal challenge]'' '''I make this look ''and'' taste good.''' :'''Judge #1''': ''[amazed]'' Ah, looks delicious! :'''Judge #3''': Wow! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sid''': Todd even outdid us at breakfast, and you're Breakfast Bot! This is gonna be harder than we thought. :'''Breakfast Bot''': '''This isn't your best pep talk.''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Lisa''': Todd, initiate guitar riff. :''[Todd wheels up on stage and makes an incredible riffing on his keyboard guitar]'' :'''Sid''': Those are some sweet riffs. But we can beat that, Breakfast Bot. :'''Lisa''': Todd, initiate drums. :''[Todd takes out an electric drum set and plays both his instruments]'' :'''Sid''': All right, he can do both at the same time. But we're still not done for. :'''Lisa''': Todd, initiate rap. :'''Todd''': ''[rapping]'' '''♪ T-O-Double-D / Can't you see I'm on a mission? / Coming in hot about to win this competition / Did I say something wrong? / 'Cause you look kind of annoyed / Well, I guess that's what you get / When you try to beat an android ♪''' :'''Sid''': Ugh, why's it got to be so catchy?! ''[turns to Breakfast Bot, who's jamming out to the electronic music, snaps him out of it]'' Stop it! We got to focus. We haven't even picked your talent yet. :'''Lisa''': Initiate mic-drop finale. <hr width="50%"> :'''Breakfast Bot''': ''[putting on a Lucha wrestling mask]'' '''Activate''' '''''Lucha Fight Mode!''''' :'''Sid''': Oh, no! I didn't realize I put the Lucha disc in there! It's programmed to wrestle all the other robots! ===''Salvador Doggy (15.2)''=== :'''Frida''': ''[angrily punches her painting with a hole]'' Terrible! You call this art?! ''[throws her painting on the ground, kicks it, and starts to sob]'' My showcase is tomorrow and I have no work to showcase at the showcase! This is the ''worst'' painter's block I've had in years. Oh, I know. I can listen to my favorite podcast. That should help. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[enters the apartment, wearing a scuba suit]'' Ready for our scuba lesson? ''[Lalo explains to him, gesturing the painting]'' You squiggled on paper. Congrats. ''[Lalo continues explaining]'' You gotta make ten more? For Frida? What's in it for you? Diddly-squat? Hold up. It's time I teach you about the law of supply and demand. If you're gonna supply, you gotta demand. :''[Later, Frida returns with supplies]'' :'''Frida''': Lalo, I'm back! Ready to paint? :'''Sergio''': ''[halting her]'' Not so fast. I'm Lalo's manager. ''[takes out a fake business card]'' For every painting my client makes, he's gotta get something out of it too. As does his manager. If you could, uh, please sign this contract. ''[takes out a lengthy contract]'' :'''Frida''': Ugh, fine. Anything to get more paintings. ''[signs the contract]'' :'''Sergio''': Initial here, here, here, here, here. Don't forget there. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': And now my client will be retiring for the evening. :'''Frida''': What?! But I need more paintings by tomorrow. :'''Sergio''': And Lalo needs his beauty sleep. He can finish in the morning. ''[he and Lalo leave]'' :'''Frida''': ''[growls angrily and lets out a scream so loud it can be heard outside the apartment; sighs while preparing for bed]'' Well, hopefully we can get the rest finished tomorrow. ''[finds Sergio in the bed and shrieks]'' :'''Sergio''': Excuse me. The artiste is trying to sleep. :'''Frida''': ''[confused]'' What? ''[lifts the covers, revealing Lalo snoring]'' Lalo?! But this is ''my'' bed! Where am I supposed to sleep?! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[yawns]'' Slept like a baby. That bed is comfy. Don't just stand there. Here's our breakfast order. ''[unveils a long breakfast list]'' :'''Frida''': ''[furiously losing it]'' That's it! ''[rips up the list]'' The deal's off! I'll find another artist, Lalo! You're not the only dog in town! ''[storms off]'' :'''Sergio''': Sheesh. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the doggy bed. <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 16== ===''The Wrust Job (16.1)''=== :'''Sid''': Oh, man. I wanna intern at your mercado with Mr. Inflatable. That guy gets to wave hello to people all day. :'''Ronnie Anne''': I wanna work at Bruno's hot dog cart. What could be easier than serving the world's greatest hot dogs for a week? It'll be a breeze. <hr width="50%"> :'''Vito''': Remember, Sameer, a hot dog for breakfast is the most important dog of the day. Let's see how you are at ordering. :'''Sameer''': Two dogs for Mr. Vito, please. :'''Vito''': Whoa! Very good! You are going places, mister. :'''Ronnie Anne''': Sameer, are you interning for Vito? :'''Sameer''': Yeah. I was wondered what he did for a living. :'''Ronnie Anne''': So, what does he do? :'''Sameer''': I don't know. He says he's about to make a comeback, but, comeback to what? It's a mystery. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bruno''': Now that we're done with the morning rush, it's time to study up on the menu. :'''Ronnie Anne''': Not to brag, but, I've eaten your Dragged Through the Garden dog like, a million times. :'''Bruno''': That's great, but, I got 50 other dogs. If you're gonna sell 'em, then you gotta know how they taste. :'''Ronnie Anne''': I thought you'd never ask! <hr width="50%"> :''[As Ronnie Anne wakes up the next morning, she notices that her family has disappeared, except for Lalo, who's still at the mercado]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': Hey, Sid. Have you seen my family? :'''Sid''': Everyone just went to the park for the hot dog eating contest. :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[worried with shock]'' Oh, no! If Bruno sees Bobby there, he'll know I was lying! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bruno''': Ronnie Anne? What are you doing here? :'''Ronnie Anne''': I'm sorry, Bruno. I lied about Bobby breaking his arm. I didn't want to come to work today because I didn't realize how hard your job is. But I'm here now, and I'm gonna help you. :'''Bruno''': I appreciate the apology, Ronnie Anne, but it's too late. I'm a laughing stock. ===''The Sound of Meddle (16.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 17== ===''Alpaca Lies (17.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Rocket Plan (17.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==''Phantom Freakout (Episode 18)''== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> :'''Director''': CUT! Someone clean up that mess, and stop playing that nightmare music! :'''Sid''': This is ''not'' going the way I planned, but I did get to smell Yoon Kwan just now, so it's kinda going how I planned. <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 19== ===''The Odd Father (19.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''The Long Shot (19.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 20== ===''Flock This Way (20.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Movers and Fakers (20.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==External links== [[Category:Children's television seasons]] 5xf7fsr6zzurm6l9ycsqfmzow6linq2 3157900 3157899 2022-08-25T17:35:22Z 162.197.99.132 /* Kick Some Bot (15.1) */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---------------- :'''Seasons:''' [[The Loud House/Season 1|1]] [[The Loud House/Season 2|2]] [[The Loud House/Season 3|3]] [[The Loud House/Season 4|4]] [[The Loud House/Season 5|5]] [[The Loud House/Season 6|6]] ([[The Loud House|Main]]) | '''[[The Casagrandes|Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]]) --------------- ==Episode 1== ===''Bend It Like Abuelo (1.1)''=== :'''Ronnie Anne, Sergio, and CJ''': Gatos, Gatos, Gatos, Gatos! :'''Rosa''': ''[bursts into the mercado with a broomstick]'' Gatos?! Where, where?! :'''Ronnie Anne''': Not ''real'' cats, Abuela. ''[points to the orange team banner]'' The soccer team! :'''Rosa''': Oh. Well, when those ''real'' gatos get here, I'll be ready. ''[leaves the mercado]'' :'''Vito''': I don't know what you's are so excited about. Everyone knows the gatos lose every game. :'''Hector''': This is not just a game. ''[rips off his sweater, revealing a gato t-shirt]'' It's the Crosslake Championship! :'''Vito''': ''[mockingly]'' Oh. So they're gonna be big losers! I've got my money on anyone who's ''not'' The Gatos. ''[rips off his own shirt, revealing a t-shirt with a "No" sign covering the team logo]'' :'''Hector''': ''[aghast; comes from behind the counter and bumps Vito]'' Just wait. Our star player, Picosito, is gonna win this year. When he's hot, ay-yi-yi, he's hot! :'''Vito''': Too bad he's been ice cold for years. <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> :'''Hector''': I'm never washing my head again! :'''Rosa''': When did you start? <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Bunstoppable (1.2)''=== :''[Stanley is telling Sid, Adelaide, Breakfast Bot, and the three pets a story about their ancestors in a book]'' :'''Stanley''': ''[narrating the story]'' ''Once upon a time, thousands of years ago, our ancestors lived in Clear Water Village. They farmed the land and enjoyed a peaceful life, until one day, the village was attacked by the infamous Han Family Bandits!'' ''[imitating the bandits]'' ''"Hand over all your food or we will destroy your village!"'' :'''Adelaide''': Oh, no! And then they destroyed it? :'''Sid''': Shh! Dad's getting to that! Dad, can you get to that? :'''Stanley''': As I was saying, our calm wise, ''and very handsome Ancestor Chang,'' who some say looks a lot like me… :'''Adelaide''': Focus, Dad! :'''Stanley''': ''[clears throat]'' He realized that the Han family's hunger had driven them to a life of crime. So, he offered them a challenge. ''If he gave them something more delicious than anything they'd ever tasted, they'd have to spare the village. The bandits scoffed, but then Ancestor Chang gave them his goldfish bao, it delighted their eyes, filled their stomachs, and energized their bodies! The bandits lost the challenge! The Han family was so moved, that they gave up their evil ways and became the protectors of Clear Water Village.'' And ''that's'' the story of how this bao recipe saved the day. ''[holds up a goldfish bao, which sparkles]'' It's been passed down through our family for generations. :'''All''': Ooh! :'''Stanley''': ''[to his daughters]'' And now, it's time for me to pass the recipe down to ''you'' two, so you can make bao for the Chinese Cultural Fair today. ''[sniffles a bit with tears streaming down from his eyes]'' My little buns, making their first buns! :'''Sid''': ''[patting her father on the back; touched]'' Aw, Dad. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stanley''': I gotta go to the park and snag the best spot before Mike Liu gets there. ''[chuckles]'' Oh, and I'm gonna need you to make 800 bao just like those two. :'''Sid''': ''[chuckles weakly]'' It sounded like he said eight hundred. :'''Stanley''': I did. Better get started. See you at the park. ''[leaves again]'' :'''Adelaide''': But it took us forever to make ''two!'' :'''Sid''': ''[whining]'' At this rate, we'll be Dad's age by the time we finish! There ''HAS'' to be a better way! ''[gets an idea]'' That's it! <hr width="50%"> :'''Vito''': ''[while Hui warms up his nunchucks]'' Oh, bunch of tough guys, huh? ''[starts swinging his linked sausage nunchucks around, but manages to snare himself]'' Is it over? Did I win? :'''Maybelle''': ''[while wrestling with Woo over her grocery bag]'' You ain't gettin' these mangoes! ''[kicks Woo away]'' <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 2== ===''Squawk in the Name of Love (2.1)''=== :''[Carl and Adelaide find Sergio laying on the couch, bawling in tears while binging ice cream]'' :'''Adelaide''': Are you okay, Sergio? :'''Sergio''': Priscilla dumped me…''AGAIN!'' ''[sobbing]'' :'''Adelaide''': Oh. I'm so sorry, Sergio. :'''Carl''': You guys break up all the time. Just find a new girlfriend. There's plenty of birds in the sky. :'''Sergio''': I tried. Total fail. ''[Flashback to the moments of him trying to get a new girlfriend bird]'' One had terrible manners. ''[The female pelican launches a fish at him and he falls off]'' One just didn't listen. ''[holds up his phone showing a photo of Ronnie Anne to an owl]'' And for the fifth time, this is Ronnie Anne. ''[The owl hoots and he face palms himself; then seen having a dinner date with a female eagle]'' One was too aggressive. So, you like smaller birds? ''[The female eagle caws and picks him up and flies off into the sky; fading back to present]'' None lived up to sweet Priscilla. :'''Adelaide''': Why did she dump you? :'''Sergio''': No idea. ''[holds up his phone, showing them a photo of Priscilla annoyingly massaging his feet]'' Look at all the fun we had together. This is her giving me a foot massage, ''[scrolls down to another photo of them at Sancho's place]'' this is us at Sancho's watching the game, ''[scrolls to another photo of her massaging his feet while still at Sancho's]'' this is her giving me a foot massage ''while'' watching the game. :'''Adelaide''': She looks miserable! :'''Sergio''': Nah. That's just her resting ostrich face. ''[scrolls to a photo of Priscilla]'' :'''Adelaide''': It's clear what the problem is. You didn't treat her like a princess. It's okay, I can teach you how to act like a prince and win her back. :'''Sergio''': I'm not so sure. :''[The female eagle caws from outside the window, staring deadly at Sergio]'' :'''Carl''': Look, the eagle's back for a second day! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[with a bump on his head and a black eye, after getting hit by a microphone, via, thrown by Priscilla]'' And then she threw the microphone at me! :'''Adelaide''': Sounds like you deserved it. I'm up for you to write a song about Priscilla, and how you feel about her. :'''Sergio''': Ohhh. :'''Adelaide''': What if you surprised her with a delicious picnic? :'''Sergio''': Yeah. She'll love it. I'll get her a ''real'' feast. <hr width="50%"> :'''Adelaide''': Bow and kiss the queen's hand, then say the following. :'''Sergio''': Frank, Estelle, it is truly an honor. ''[kisses Estelle's foot, much to her approval]'' :'''Adelaide''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside lovely Priscilla. :'''Sergio''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside ugly Priscilla. :'''Adelaide''': I said lovely, you dope! :'''Sergio''': ''[stammering]'' I said lovely, you dope! Uh, I mean, you're so dope. High five. What? :'''Adelaide''': The moment I laid my eyes on her, I said to myself… ''[starts hitting the radio as it starts crackling and randomly plays country music]'' :'''Sergio''': ''[starts square dancing]'' Yee-haw! You're listening to GLC's number one country station. <hr width="50%"> :'''Adelaide''': ''[fighting with Nico as he plays along with the radio]'' Uh… Not now, you monkey! :'''Sergio''': Uh… ''[snapping]'' NOT NOW, YOU MONKEY! <hr width="50%"> :'''Adelaide''': Aww, so sweet. And they lived happily ever after. Now, if I could just get out of this tree. ===''Date with Destiny (2.2)''=== :'''Ernesto''': ''Buenos dias, mis estrellitas.'' Today, I am talking about the water sign. :'''Rosa''': Oh, Maria, that's you. :'''Ernesto''': A lifetime of happiness is in sight if… :'''Rosa, Ronnie Anne, and Bobby''': If… :'''Ernesto''': You're back with your ex by tonight. ''Es tu destino!'' :'''Rosa''': Maria, you're getting back together with Arturo. I knew it. :'''Maria''': Ugh, ay, Mama. You know I don't believe in any of that Ernesto stuff. :'''Carlos''': Yeah, me neither. But it's so weird because the other day he predicted… ''[flashback to the day he was brushing his teeth, squeezes the toothpaste tube and cash comes out]'' I'd find treasure in the bathroom. Check it out. It smells like mint. :'''Hector''': Money in the bathroom?! ''[dashes into the bathroom]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Maria''': Well, Ernesto's prediction for me can't possibly come true. I won't even be seeing Arturo today. I'm helping Frida with an art project all day, and Arturo is flying off to a medical convention in an hour. ''[walks away]'' :'''Rosa''': Trust me, ''mis niños,'' Ernesto's predictions ''always'' come true. :'''Bobby''': What if Ernesto ''is'' right? :'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom and Dad are ''not'' getting back together. ''Are'' they? :'''Bobby''': If they did, it would mean a lifetime of happiness for all of us! :'''Ronnie Anne''': I guess it's worth a shot. All we have to do is get them together by tonight and let the magic happen. :'''Rosa''': ''[pops up between them]'' You know, your mom and dad had their first date at the pier, so maybe if they met there. :'''Ronnie Anne''': Good idea, Abuela! I'll pick Mom up from the gallery. You stop Dad from getting on that plane. <hr width="50%"> :''[Ronnie Anne arrives at Frida's art studio, looking for her mother]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[looking around]'' Mom! Mom, are you here? :'''Maria''': ''[in a large orange piñata statue]'' Ronnie Anne, is that you? :'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, what happened to you? :'''Maria''': Frida. When I agreed to do this life-size mold for her art installation, I didn't expect to be in plaster for four hours. <hr width="50%"> :''[Bobby runs up to Arturo's place as he puts his suitcase in the taxi trunk]'' :'''Arturo''': Bobby, what are you doing here? I'm just on my way to the airport. :'''Bobby''': In a taxi? No, that's so impersonal. Let your son drive you. :'''Arturo''': No, ''mijo.'' It's okay. I don't want to be a bother. :'''Bobby''': It's no bother. And these taxis charge an arm and a leg to get to the airport. :''[The taxi driver clears his throat]'' :'''Arturo''': My company's paying for it. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronnie Anne''': Oh, no. We didn't do all this work just so another ex could swoop in and ruin everything! :'''Bobby''': Yeah, let that T-Bone find his ''own'' lifetime of happiness! :'''T-Bone''': Hey, would you like to have dinner with me tonight at our place? :'''Bobby''': They have a place?! :'''Maria''': ''[blushing]'' You remember the pizza place? I'll meet you there tonight at 7:00. I better go freshen up. ''[rushes off]'' :'''Ernesto''': You better fix this ''rapido'' or you're gonna be stuck with ''this'' guy! :'''Ronnie Anne''': We have to get rid of T-Bone and get Dad to the restaurant. :'''Bobby''': I'll grab Dad and meet you there! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, Dad, are you okay? :'''Arturo''': Mijo, what's gotten into you?! :'''Bobby''': ''We'' did all of this work to get you two here, so we can ''all'' have a lifetime of happiness! You're not leaving here until you get back together again, just like Ernesto said. :'''Maria''': So ''that's'' what this is about. :'''Arturo''': Huh? Can someone tell me what's going on? :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[sighs]'' Ernesto Estrella predicted you guys would get back together tonight. Hearing it out loud now, it does kind of sound silly, huh? :'''Maria''': ''[as she and Arturo smile at each other]'' I don't think it was silly. I mean, we are together tonight. :'''Arturo''': Just not romantically. :'''Bobby''': ''[disappointed]'' Yeah, but, it's just one dumb night. Not a lifetime. :'''Maria''': But we'll be a family for a lifetime. :''[The Santiagos all come in for a group hug]'' :'''Arturo''': And, hey, what if we made it a regular thing? A family pizza night every month. :'''Ernesto''': And BOOM! A lifetime of happiness after all. Ernesto is the best-o! Estrella out! ==''Curse of the Candy Goblin (Episode 3)''== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 4== ===''Skaters Gonna Hate (4.1)''=== :'''Sergio''': Hey, Carlos, who you spying on? :'''Carlos''': How'd you recognize me? And I'm not spying. I'm helping Ronnie Anne beat Tony Hawk's skate team by doing a little…research. :'''Sergio''': You mean, ''cheating?'' :'''Carlos''': I am ''not'' cheating! It's called, ''[shouting]'' RESEARCH! ===''Born to be Mild (4.2)''=== :'''Carl''': What was that all about? :'''Alexis''': Oh, the usual. ''[cleans out his tuba]'' Ricky and Julius picking on me like they do ''every'' day. :'''Carl''': Dude, you let them do this you ''every'' day? Why? :'''Alexis''': What choice do I have? I'm a hugger, not a fighter. :'''Carl''': Well, good luck with that. <hr width="50%"> :'''Alexis''': ''[on the stilts]'' Carl, what am I doing up here? ''[loses his balance]'' :'''Carl''': It's all about attitude! ''[on one of the stilts] ''We're building up your confidence.'' :'''Alexis''': By walking on stilts? :'''Carl''': It's an exercise. If you want to feel big you gotta act big! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': You messed with the ''wrong'' tuba boy! ''[munches on his nails, sharpening them]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Principal Valenzuela''': What is going on here?! :'''Carl''': Hey, Principal Valenzuela. So, funny story-- :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sharply]'' My office, now! ''[Later in her office]'' Okay, start talking. Who started this and why? :'''Carl, Alexis, Ricky and Julius''': They did! :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sighs]'' Fine. Then you're ''all'' going to be suspended! :'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' What?! :'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' Aw, man! :'''Alexis''': Does that mean I ''can't'' go to band practice? ''[starts to cry]'' :'''Carl''': Wait, it was my fault! Don't suspend Alexis! Suspend ''me!'' I wanted him to fight. I thought if he stood up for himself, he wouldn't get picked on anymore. :'''Alexis''': It's not all Carl's fault. He was just trying to help me, and he's right. I ''do'' need to stand up for myself. I just have to do it in my own way. ''[to Ricky and Julius]'' I really don't like when you guys put weird things in my tuba. It's hard to clean, and it always sounds bad afterwards. :'''Ricky''': But I like the funny sounds. ''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat as she seriously looks at both him and Julius; in unison]'' We're sorry. :'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' We won't do it again. :'''Alexis''': Great! So, now can we hug it out? :'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' Oh. :'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' What's a hug? :''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat again and grumbles]'' :'''Julius''': ''[sighs]'' Sure. :''[Alexis hugs both Ricky and Julius together, they all glow in shimmering gold]'' :'''Ricky''': I like hugs! :'''Julius''': Me too! :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Since you used your words to resolve this, no suspension this time. Bravo, boys. ''[The four boys start leaving her office, to Alexis for a second]'' One last thing, Mr. Flores. Are the rumors true? Did you really revenge-poop on a pigeon? ''[whispers]'' All the teachers are dying to know. :'''Alexis''': ''[shrugs]'' Maybe, maybe not. ''[leaves]'' :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[closes her office door]'' Sorry, ladies. I can't confirm ''or'' deny the rumors. :''[Ms. Galiano snaps her fingers in disbelief]'' ==Episode 5== ===''The Bros in the Band (5.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''For the Record (5.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 6== ===''15 Candles (6.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Rook, Line, & Sinker (6.2)''=== :''[Chavez Academy School; Carl and his parents are waiting in Principal Valenzuela's office]'' :'''Frida''': So you have no idea why Principal Valenzuela wanted to talk to us? :'''Carl''': Maybe I'm getting an award for best smile in school. :'''Frida and Carlos''': Hmm. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[enters her office]'' Mr. and Mrs. Casagrande… ''[annoyed]'' Carl, unfortunately, this ''isn't'' good news. :'''Frida''': So he ''didn't'' win best smile? :'''Principal Valenzuela''': No, Alexis won that. He flosses between every class. Carl was caught tricking kids out of their pudding snacks! :''[Frida and Carlos glare at their mijo]'' :'''Carl''': Come on. It was just one time with the pudding. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Just one time, huh? ''[opens up Carl's locker and pudding cups fall on him, much to his parents' horror]'' :'''Carl''': I'm sorry. I just love tricking people. Isn't that what you're always encouraging us do, Principal V, what we love? :'''Principal Valenzuela''': That is not what I meant! :'''Carlos''': We're so sorry, Principal Valenzuela. We're going to take care of this immediately. :'''Frida''': Carl, say you're sorry. (And stop eating the pudding!) :'''Carl''': ''[licking out a pudding cup, not listening]'' From the bottom of my heart, Principal V. You know, I'm gonna go home and have a good long think about my actions. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Oh? Glad to hear it. :'''Carl''': And since I'll be so busy thinking, I'll need to skip homework tonight. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Naturally. :'''Carl''': Great. Mom, Dad, let's go. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[realizes]'' Wait, no homework?! '''''CARL!''''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': ''[enters his and CJ's room, eating more pudding, finding his padre observing the ants in an ant farm]'' Dad, what's with the bugs? :'''Carlos''': Your mother and I think you need a new hobby other than tricking people, so I thought we'd try science. Check it out a real live ant farm three thousand ants digging a tunnel to their queen. :'''Carl''': ''[not interested]'' I wish I could dig a tunnel out of this room. ''[starts tapping the ant farm]'' Stop being boring. :'''Carlos''': Carl, let's not tap the plastic. <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> :'''Carlos''': ''[getting a call from Principal Valenzuela]'' Hey, Principal Valenzuela. ''[Frida gasps in excitement to hear the upcoming news]'' Are you calling to tell us what a good job we did with Carl? :'''Principal Valenzuela''': No! He's somehow worse than before! He tricked the teachers out of giving him tests for the rest of the year! He also keeps calling everyone pawns and saying "checkmate". :'''Carlos''': ''[gasps in horror]'' Carl's now using chess to ''trick'' people! :'''Frida''': ''[starts to sob]'' Oh, no. I'm so sorry, Principal Valenzuela! :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Actually, it's Hall Monitor Valenzuela. Carl tricked me out of my job. ''He's'' the principal now! :'''Carl''': ''[comes out of the office]'' Hey, Valenzuela, quit dawdling. That hall's not gonna monitor itself. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[growls]'' Argh! FIX THIS! :'''Carlos''': Ooh. I've created a monster. ''[looks at the chess board and gets an idea]'' There's only one thing to do - we have to ''beat'' Carl at his own game. <hr width="50%"> ==''The Golden Curse (Episode 7)''== :''[The Casagrandes are all making decorations for Paco and Paulina's wedding; Ronnie Anne, Carl, and CJ have prepared the wedding cake]'' :'''Rosa''': ''[enters the apartment with Mama Lupe and Paco]'' Look, everyone, it's Mama Lupe and Paco, our handsome groom. :'''Frida''': ''Hola.'' :'''Maria''': ''Bienvenidos.'' :'''Carlos''': Hi, Mama Lupe. :'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' ''Primo,'' ready to clip your wings-- I mean, get married? :'''Paco''': ''Claro que si.'' I can't wait to marry ''mi amor,'' Paulina. She's the wind beneath my wings. :'''Sergio''': Maybe you should keep her beneath your wing. I mean, real catch. :'''Mama Lupe''': Oh, ''[hugs Paco tightly]'' I can't believe ''mi bebe'' is finally getting married. ''[sits on the couch and claps]'' Oh, I could almost cry. :'''Frida''': ''[tearfully]'' Leave that to me. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': On to more important matters, decide on a best man yet? ''[clears throat]'' Say, "Sergio." :'''Paco''': I'm not sure, ''primo.'' It's a big responsibility. :'''Sergio''': Ah, come on, I'm responsible. ''[almost knocks the lamp off; chuckles]'' Hey, plus, I'll throw the best bachelor party ever! ''[hugs his primo, beggingly]'' Please. Oh, please. ''Por favor.'' ''[whimpers while making sad eyes]'' :'''Paco''': Okay, Sergio. Of course you can be my best man. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[waking up]'' Ah, best bachelor party ever. ''[checking his pockets]'' Still got everything? Let's see: wallet, keys, phone, ''las arras.'' ''[holds up the bag and notices a hole in it]'' Ah, crackers! <hr width="50%"> :'''Paco''': ''[squawks after his wedding suit rips and falls off from his body]'' My suit! Must have been the pepperoni I ate last night. It made me bloat. <hr width="50%"> :'''Paco''': Finally, I'm free! ''[looks in shock to see everything in a disaster]'' :'''Stanley''': Boy, bird weddings are fun! :'''Paco''': What's going on? :'''Mama Lupe''': Bad luck, that's what. :'''Rosa''': Nonsense. Every wedding has its setback. :''[The chandelier suddenly falls on the wedding arch]'' :'''Mama Lupe''': This is more than setbacks, it can only be due to one thing. ''Las arras!'' :''[Guitar riff is heard, revealing Hector having to fix his guitar]'' :'''Hector''': Ah, I fixed the strings. ''[the guitar strings break again]'' Chihuahua. :'''Rosa''': Sergio, I thought you said you got ''all'' thirteen coins. :'''Sergio''': I did, I'll prove it. ''[takes out the coins and counts them himself]'' …ten, eleven, thirteen. Booyah! :'''Carl''': You forgot twelve, genius. :'''Rosa''': ''[gasps]'' That means that one lucky coin is still missing! :'''Mama Lupe''': Missing?! ''[grinds her teeth with rage and tries to go after Sergio while the whole family tries to slow her down]'' Let me at him! ''[calms down]'' Aye, without the last lucky coin, the marriage will be cursed with bad luck forever. :''[Paulina has arrived just in time to hear that her and Paco's wedding is and will always be ruined]'' :'''Paco''': Paulina, my love! We don't need luck. ''[Paulina starts to sobbing in tears and runs away; turns to his primo, angrily]'' Thanks a lot, Sergio. You ruined my wedding! ''[flies after Paulina to console her]'' Paulina, please, come back! :'''Sergio''': I guess Paco was right to doubt me, I'm not best man material. ==Episode 8== ===''Let's Get Ready to Rumba (8.1)''=== :'''Rosa''': Hector, what are you doing under the table? :'''Ivan''': Huh! ''You're'' the health inspector who shut down my studio. :'''Sergio''': Ooh, this is gonna be good! ''[eats a bucket of popcorn]'' :'''Rosa''': ''Him?'' He's not a health inspector. He's my husband. :'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Awkward. :'''Ivan''': It seems like you two have a lot to talk about. I'm going to reopen my studio. :'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Time to bounce, everyone! :''[Ivan and the others leave the apartment]'' :'''Rosa''': Hector Casagrande, explain. :'''Hector''': Well, I was tired of hearing you talk about Ivan and his dance class, okay? So, I thought if I shut it down, that would be the end of it. :'''Rosa''': ''[sharped]'' Hector, how could you be ''so'' selfish?! I don't want to talk to you right now. ''[walks to the door, ripping it off, and leaves]'' :'''Bruno''': ''[walks in along with Vito]'' Gee, who could have seen this coming? :'''Hector''': Aww. I need to fix this. :'''Sergio''': ''[burps]'' And I need more popcorn. ===''Perro Malo (8.2)''=== :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[finds Malo scratching his ear, thinking he is Lalo]'' Oh! There you are. ''[picks up the leash and goes towards home as Malo struggles to go the other way]'' That's enough, Lalo. I took you for a walk. Now, let's go home. ''[a man passes them as they go and Malo barks at him]'' What's gotten into you? :'''Becky''': ''[finds Lalo rolling around in a bush, thinking he is Malo]'' There you are, Malo! ''[Lalo licks her in the face, revolted]'' Ew! Kisses? What's gotten into you? <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronnie Anne''': You're lucky you didn't have to walk Lalo. He is ''not'' in a fun mood. :''[Malo chews, rips off, and throws the couch's armrest which Hector is napping on, causing him to roll onto the floor, waking him up]'' :'''Hector''': Hey, Lalo! Why did you do that?! Now I have to go nap in the mercado. :'''Carl''': ''[after Malo takes a bite out of his El Falcón action figure]'' Hey! Lalo ate El Falcón's head! :'''Carlota''': ''[bare-footed as Malo starts chewing on her pair of boots by the door]'' Those are my new boots! :'''Bobby''': Lalo, what's going on with you? ''[screams as Malo bares his teeth, growling at him]'' :'''Carlota''': We better figure it out. Abuelo hates when pets misbehave. :'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' I woke him up once. Almost made parrot tacos out of me. :'''CJ''': Parrot tacos? Ew! :'''Sergio''': Hey! I'd make a great taco. ''[Malo visualizes him as a taco and tries to eat him; flies away]'' I take it back! I'd make a terrible taco! <hr width="50%"> :'''Maybelle''': ''[after Malo barges into the mercado, knocking her over]'' This is an awful shopping experience! :'''Hector''': Grab his leash before he destroys my entire mercado! :'''Bobby''': I got this! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronnie Anne''': I can't believe this is the last time we'll ever see Lalo. :'''CJ''': I'm gonna miss him so much. :'''Carlota''': ''[starts sobbing]'' This is the saddest day ever! ''[waters her eyes like Frida's]'' Ay, I've turned into Mom. <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': Wait a minute. There's ''two'' of them?! :''[Lalo and Malo go to their real owners after sniffing each other's tails]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[after Lalo licks her]'' Now ''this'' is our Lalo. :'''Becky''': ''[growls back at Malo after he growls at her]'' And this is ''my'' Malo! :'''Carlota''': Okay, I don't follow. :'''Hector''': I think I know what's going on. When I adopted Lalo, I chose from a litter of ''perritos.'' ''[Flashback to the day he adopted Lalo as a puppy]'' But one of them was clearly not for our familia. I called it a perro malo. And the woman giving the puppies away said Malo was the perfect name, 'cause he was bad to the bone. Then I saw another puppy who was the complete opposite, showing me lots of love. So I decided to call him, Lalo! :''[Flashback ends]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': They must have switched places when I was walking Lalo. I should have been paying attention to him instead of trying to watch the show. ''[to Lalo]'' I'm so sorry, boy. ==Episode 9== ===''Don't Zoo That (9.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> :'''Mrs. Chang''': Last badge, habitat maintenance. :'''Carl''': Awesome! I'm great at that. ''[confused]'' Uh, what is that? :'''Mrs. Chang''': It means you'll be building a home for one of our new and endangered animals. Lois, the Galapagos Tortoise. :'''CJ''': She's beautiful! :'''Mrs. Chang''': Yes she is, CJ, and she needs a special habitat to thrive. ''[points to bamboos and rocks as materials]'' Here are some building materials. Okay, good luck. Be back in a sec! Oh, and keep this gate closed. Lois likes to run out. ''[closes the gate and leaves]'' :'''Adelaide''': As group leader, I say we use bamboo for the base of a shelter. :'''Carl''': No way, we should use rocks. :'''Adelaide''': Fine, then I'm doing my ''own'' habitat. <hr width="50%"> ===''Maxed Out (9.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 10== ===''Skatey Cat (10.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Weather Beaten (10.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 11== ===''Race Against the Machine (11.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''My Fair Cat Lady (11.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 12== ===''Survival of the Unfittest (12.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Nixed Signals (12.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 13== ===''Ay Fidelity (13.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Cut the Chisme (13.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> :''[Evening at the Casagrande apartment]'' :'''Hector''': ''[entering]'' ''Hola,'' I'm home! Ho, you guys will never believe what Vito wears to bed. ''[sees his whole family, really annoyed at him]'' What? You already know about the bunny pajamas? :'''Carl''': No, Abuelo. This is a convention. :'''Carlos''': Actually Carl, the word is, "intervention." :'''Rosa''': Hector, your chisme addiction is embarrassing your family. :'''Bobby''': And making the customers mad. :'''Frida''': You're a chismoso. And by that I mean, you're the biggest gossip in town. :'''Hector''': What?! I'm not a gossip! <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 14== ===''Sidekickin' Chicken (14.1)''=== :'''Alexis''': It is I, Tuba Boy! :'''Sergio''': Tuba Boy? :''[Carl and Sergio see Alexis, in his Tuba Boy superhero costume with his mom recording]'' :'''Alexis''': Look, Mama! Tuba Boy, tu-ba rescue! :'''Carl''': Alexis is submitting a sidekick too? :'''Sergio''': And his costume looks amazing. :'''Carl''': Yeah, and mine's trash. I really need to step it up if I'm gonna win this contest! <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': ''[bumps into Adelaide, in her Pandalaide superhero costume]'' Adelaide, are you doing the contest too? :'''Adelaide''': Better believe it. The name's Pandalaide! I've got panda power and sweet panda dance moves! :'''Carl''': But you don't even watch "El Falcón." :'''Adelaide''': You're right, 'cause the show has no strong female character, but that's where I come in! <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': Ooh, the letter from the show! ''[reading]'' "Dear Carl Casagrande, thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, we didn't find El Pollito to be a very convincing sidekick." ''[whimpers with heartbreak]'' What? :'''Sergio''': Sorry, Carl. Crackers on me tonight. :'''Alexis''': ''[showing up along with Adelaide]'' Carl, we made it into the final round! What about you? :'''Carl''': ''[tearing up, upset]'' I-I didn't make it. ''[lays his head flat on the ground, sobbing]'' :'''Alexis''': Hey, you seem upset. You want a hug? It's one of Tuba Boy's powers. :'''Carl''': No, I'm fine! Everything's fine! :'''Adelaide''': Okay. Well, wish us luck. :'''Carl''': ''[crumples up the letter, angrily]'' These judges got it all wrong! El Pollito's not convincing? Oh, I'll convince them all right! :'''Sergio''': Ooh, whatcha thinking? Blackmail? I know a pigeon. :'''Carl''': No, we're gonna make another tape to prove the judges wrong. This time, we'll show El Pollito doing heroic acts. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bobby''': Carl, what's wrong with you?! :'''Carl''': I'm stopping Miranda from stealing all the newspapers. Read all about it! El Pollito saves the day! :'''Miranda''': ''[annoyed]'' I'm recycling them. These are from yesterday. <hr width="50%"> :'''Adelaide''': We did it! You're safe now. ''[unties Sergio]'' :'''Sergio''': My heroes! :'''Adelaide''': Sergio? :'''Alexis''': Why are you dressed as a baby? :'''Sergio''': Carl's idea! He wanted to look like a hero for the show. :''[Carl frees himself and falls flat on the ground]'' :'''Adelaide''': Carl, you put Sergio in ''real'' danger just to rescue him? :'''Carl''': ''[sighs sadly]'' It's true. I wanted to convince the show they were wrong for not picking me, but obviously, I totally blew it. Sorry. Turns out, I'm not much of a hero. :'''Sergio''': You're telling me. ===''Silent Fight (14.2)''=== :'''Frida''': ''[whispering angrily to Carl and CJ, breaking up their fighting]'' Are you kidding me?! If either of you wakes Carlitos… ''[fiercely]'' …'''you're grounded for a month!''' No, '''''two months!''''' <hr width="50%"> :''[Carl runs off and throws CJ's hair clippers out the window, shaving Vito's head]'' :'''Vito''': Hey, free haircut! :'''CJ''': ''[whispers]'' My clippers. ''[growls at Carl; dashes off and back with Carl's El Falcón shoes, and throws them out the window]'' :'''Vito''': (Huh?) Hey, free shoes! ''[puts the shoes on his feet]'' Check out my new look. <hr width="50%"> :'''Frida''': ''[wakes up and sees Carl and CJ trying to tiptoe out of the room after they woke up Carlitos, making him cry]'' Hold it right there! That's it! You two are grounded! :'''CJ''': But... :'''Carl''': Mom... :'''Carlos''': And why are you dressed as sheep? :'''Frida''': I don't even care! No buts, no moms. Go to your room, and I better not hear a peep from either one of you for the rest of the afternoon! :'''CJ and Carl''': This is your fault! :'''Frida''': ''[angrily whispering]'' Hey, I said, not…a…'''''peep'''''. <hr width="50%"> :'''Carlos''': Look at that, Frida! They managed to make up on their own. :'''Frida''': Shh! :'''Carlos''': Oops. Sorry, Frida. I got too excited. :''[Carlitos starts wailing off-screen]'' :'''Frida''': ''[angrily]'' And now, ''YOU'RE'' grounded! ''[walks off]'' :'''Carlos''': Wait, for how long?! ==Episode 15== ===''Kick Some Bot (15.1)''=== :'''Adelaide''': Mom, Sid. Mom. Guess what? My unicorn princess outfit won first place for Cutest Cosplay! ''[holds up a 1st place ribbon]'' :'''Becca''': Honey, that is the most amazing news I've ever heard. I'm so proud of you! :'''Adelaide''': Thanks. I deserved it. Look at me! ''[pulls a string on her party horn, shooting out confetti and lands on Sid]'' :'''Becca''': I'll add this ribbon to the Adelaide Wall of Fame. :'''Sid''': Keep some shelf space open for me. I finished a whole slice of pizza in one bite. It took a lot of courage in mouth space, but I didn't give up. ''[stretches her mouth open wide]'' :'''Becca''': Wow, a whole slice. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sid''': ''[while braiding Ronnie Anne's hair]'' My mom was giving Adelaide ''all'' the attention, and I was sitting there like, "Hello? I'm your daughter too." :'''Ronnie Anne''': Ugh. Sounds rough. I'm impressed with your pizza eating abilities. :'''Sid''': Thanks, but I feel like I have to do something big to make her proud of me. Ooh! I know! Maybe I'll eat ''two'' slices of pizza in one bite! Hit me, Breakfast Bot! ''[stretches her mouth wide open and Breakfast Bot stuffs the two pizza slices into her mouth]'' Pretty impressive, right? :'''Ronnie Anne''': Uh, that's cool, but you're also awesome with robots. :'''Breakfast Bot''': '''You know it, girl.''' :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[holding up her phone]'' And look! There's a Robotics Competition coming up right here in Great Lakes City! :'''Sid''': Winning that would definitely impress my mom! ''[burps]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[groans from the smell]'' Too bad there isn't a Strongest Pepperoni Burp Competition. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sid''': From the looks of things, I could actually win this. :'''Lisa''': ''[showing up; clears throat]'' Maybe you need your vision checked because your competition just got stiffer. :'''Sid''': Lisa Loud?! I subscribed to your monthly newsletter! You're competing too? :'''Lisa''': Yep. ''[presses her wrist watch]'' Todd, initiate grand entrance. ''[Todd emerges from the smoke cloud and zooms off with his name written in cloud form, as Sid watches in shock with her jaw dropped]'' May the best bot win. <hr width="50%"> :''[Maybelle and Mangobot get eliminated from the competition after Mangobot failed to show off his cleaning skill]'' :'''Maybelle''': We'll get 'em next time, Mangobot. :'''Mangobot''': ''[sadly]'' '''Mango.''' <hr width="50%"> :''[Vito and Robbie are eliminated from the competition after Robbie failed to make a dunk in the basketball hoop]'' :'''Vito''': Let's get you some ice cream. :'''Robbie''': '''Rocky Road always cheers me up.''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Breakfast Bot''': ''[presenting his plate of a stacked pancakes to the judges during the semifinal challenge]'' '''I make this look ''and'' taste good.''' :'''Judge #1''': ''[amazed]'' Ah, looks delicious! :'''Judge #3''': Wow! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sid''': Todd even outdid us at breakfast, and you're Breakfast Bot! This is gonna be harder than we thought. :'''Breakfast Bot''': '''This isn't your best pep talk.''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Lisa''': Todd, initiate guitar riff. :''[Todd wheels up on stage and makes an incredible riffing on his keyboard guitar]'' :'''Sid''': Those are some sweet riffs. But we can beat that, Breakfast Bot. :'''Lisa''': Todd, initiate drums. :''[Todd takes out an electric drum set and plays both his instruments]'' :'''Sid''': All right, he can do both at the same time. But we're still not done for. :'''Lisa''': Todd, initiate rap. :'''Todd''': ''[rapping]'' '''♪ T-O-Double-D / Can't you see I'm on a mission? / Coming in hot about to win this competition / Did I say something wrong? / 'Cause you look kind of annoyed / Well, I guess that's what you get / When you try to beat an android ♪''' :'''Sid''': Ugh, why's it got to be so catchy?! ''[turns to Breakfast Bot, who's jamming out to the electronic music, snaps him out of it]'' Stop it! We got to focus. We haven't even picked your talent yet. :'''Lisa''': Initiate mic-drop finale. <hr width="50%"> :'''Breakfast Bot''': ''[putting on a Lucha wrestling mask]'' '''Activate''' '''''Lucha Fight Mode!''''' :'''Sid''': Oh, no! I didn't realize I put the Lucha disc in there! It's programmed to wrestle all the other robots! ===''Salvador Doggy (15.2)''=== :'''Frida''': ''[angrily punches her painting with a hole]'' Terrible! You call this art?! ''[throws her painting on the ground, kicks it, and starts to sob]'' My showcase is tomorrow and I have no work to showcase at the showcase! This is the ''worst'' painter's block I've had in years. Oh, I know. I can listen to my favorite podcast. That should help. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[enters the apartment, wearing a scuba suit]'' Ready for our scuba lesson? ''[Lalo explains to him, gesturing the painting]'' You squiggled on paper. Congrats. ''[Lalo continues explaining]'' You gotta make ten more? For Frida? What's in it for you? Diddly-squat? Hold up. It's time I teach you about the law of supply and demand. If you're gonna supply, you gotta demand. :''[Later, Frida returns with supplies]'' :'''Frida''': Lalo, I'm back! Ready to paint? :'''Sergio''': ''[halting her]'' Not so fast. I'm Lalo's manager. ''[takes out a fake business card]'' For every painting my client makes, he's gotta get something out of it too. As does his manager. If you could, uh, please sign this contract. ''[takes out a lengthy contract]'' :'''Frida''': Ugh, fine. Anything to get more paintings. ''[signs the contract]'' :'''Sergio''': Initial here, here, here, here, here. Don't forget there. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': And now my client will be retiring for the evening. :'''Frida''': What?! But I need more paintings by tomorrow. :'''Sergio''': And Lalo needs his beauty sleep. He can finish in the morning. ''[he and Lalo leave]'' :'''Frida''': ''[growls angrily and lets out a scream so loud it can be heard outside the apartment; sighs while preparing for bed]'' Well, hopefully we can get the rest finished tomorrow. ''[finds Sergio in the bed and shrieks]'' :'''Sergio''': Excuse me. The artiste is trying to sleep. :'''Frida''': ''[confused]'' What? ''[lifts the covers, revealing Lalo snoring]'' Lalo?! But this is ''my'' bed! Where am I supposed to sleep?! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[yawns]'' Slept like a baby. That bed is comfy. Don't just stand there. Here's our breakfast order. ''[unveils a long breakfast list]'' :'''Frida''': ''[furiously losing it]'' That's it! ''[rips up the list]'' The deal's off! I'll find another artist, Lalo! You're not the only dog in town! ''[storms off]'' :'''Sergio''': Sheesh. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the doggy bed. <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 16== ===''The Wrust Job (16.1)''=== :'''Sid''': Oh, man. I wanna intern at your mercado with Mr. Inflatable. That guy gets to wave hello to people all day. :'''Ronnie Anne''': I wanna work at Bruno's hot dog cart. What could be easier than serving the world's greatest hot dogs for a week? It'll be a breeze. <hr width="50%"> :'''Vito''': Remember, Sameer, a hot dog for breakfast is the most important dog of the day. Let's see how you are at ordering. :'''Sameer''': Two dogs for Mr. Vito, please. :'''Vito''': Whoa! Very good! You are going places, mister. :'''Ronnie Anne''': Sameer, are you interning for Vito? :'''Sameer''': Yeah. I was wondered what he did for a living. :'''Ronnie Anne''': So, what does he do? :'''Sameer''': I don't know. He says he's about to make a comeback, but, comeback to what? It's a mystery. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bruno''': Now that we're done with the morning rush, it's time to study up on the menu. :'''Ronnie Anne''': Not to brag, but, I've eaten your Dragged Through the Garden dog like, a million times. :'''Bruno''': That's great, but, I got 50 other dogs. If you're gonna sell 'em, then you gotta know how they taste. :'''Ronnie Anne''': I thought you'd never ask! <hr width="50%"> :''[As Ronnie Anne wakes up the next morning, she notices that her family has disappeared, except for Lalo, who's still at the mercado]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': Hey, Sid. Have you seen my family? :'''Sid''': Everyone just went to the park for the hot dog eating contest. :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[worried with shock]'' Oh, no! If Bruno sees Bobby there, he'll know I was lying! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bruno''': Ronnie Anne? What are you doing here? :'''Ronnie Anne''': I'm sorry, Bruno. I lied about Bobby breaking his arm. I didn't want to come to work today because I didn't realize how hard your job is. But I'm here now, and I'm gonna help you. :'''Bruno''': I appreciate the apology, Ronnie Anne, but it's too late. I'm a laughing stock. ===''The Sound of Meddle (16.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 17== ===''Alpaca Lies (17.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Rocket Plan (17.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==''Phantom Freakout (Episode 18)''== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> :'''Director''': CUT! Someone clean up that mess, and stop playing that nightmare music! :'''Sid''': This is ''not'' going the way I planned, but I did get to smell Yoon Kwan just now, so it's kinda going how I planned. <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 19== ===''The Odd Father (19.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''The Long Shot (19.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 20== ===''Flock This Way (20.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Movers and Fakers (20.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==External links== [[Category:Children's television seasons]] rjzatjszmaky8s37b8ucra3e31adu5j 3157903 3157900 2022-08-25T17:40:22Z 162.197.99.132 /* The Wrust Job (16.1) */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---------------- :'''Seasons:''' [[The Loud House/Season 1|1]] [[The Loud House/Season 2|2]] [[The Loud House/Season 3|3]] [[The Loud House/Season 4|4]] [[The Loud House/Season 5|5]] [[The Loud House/Season 6|6]] ([[The Loud House|Main]]) | '''[[The Casagrandes|Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]]) --------------- ==Episode 1== ===''Bend It Like Abuelo (1.1)''=== :'''Ronnie Anne, Sergio, and CJ''': Gatos, Gatos, Gatos, Gatos! :'''Rosa''': ''[bursts into the mercado with a broomstick]'' Gatos?! Where, where?! :'''Ronnie Anne''': Not ''real'' cats, Abuela. ''[points to the orange team banner]'' The soccer team! :'''Rosa''': Oh. Well, when those ''real'' gatos get here, I'll be ready. ''[leaves the mercado]'' :'''Vito''': I don't know what you's are so excited about. Everyone knows the gatos lose every game. :'''Hector''': This is not just a game. ''[rips off his sweater, revealing a gato t-shirt]'' It's the Crosslake Championship! :'''Vito''': ''[mockingly]'' Oh. So they're gonna be big losers! I've got my money on anyone who's ''not'' The Gatos. ''[rips off his own shirt, revealing a t-shirt with a "No" sign covering the team logo]'' :'''Hector''': ''[aghast; comes from behind the counter and bumps Vito]'' Just wait. Our star player, Picosito, is gonna win this year. When he's hot, ay-yi-yi, he's hot! :'''Vito''': Too bad he's been ice cold for years. <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> :'''Hector''': I'm never washing my head again! :'''Rosa''': When did you start? <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Bunstoppable (1.2)''=== :''[Stanley is telling Sid, Adelaide, Breakfast Bot, and the three pets a story about their ancestors in a book]'' :'''Stanley''': ''[narrating the story]'' ''Once upon a time, thousands of years ago, our ancestors lived in Clear Water Village. They farmed the land and enjoyed a peaceful life, until one day, the village was attacked by the infamous Han Family Bandits!'' ''[imitating the bandits]'' ''"Hand over all your food or we will destroy your village!"'' :'''Adelaide''': Oh, no! And then they destroyed it? :'''Sid''': Shh! Dad's getting to that! Dad, can you get to that? :'''Stanley''': As I was saying, our calm wise, ''and very handsome Ancestor Chang,'' who some say looks a lot like me… :'''Adelaide''': Focus, Dad! :'''Stanley''': ''[clears throat]'' He realized that the Han family's hunger had driven them to a life of crime. So, he offered them a challenge. ''If he gave them something more delicious than anything they'd ever tasted, they'd have to spare the village. The bandits scoffed, but then Ancestor Chang gave them his goldfish bao, it delighted their eyes, filled their stomachs, and energized their bodies! The bandits lost the challenge! The Han family was so moved, that they gave up their evil ways and became the protectors of Clear Water Village.'' And ''that's'' the story of how this bao recipe saved the day. ''[holds up a goldfish bao, which sparkles]'' It's been passed down through our family for generations. :'''All''': Ooh! :'''Stanley''': ''[to his daughters]'' And now, it's time for me to pass the recipe down to ''you'' two, so you can make bao for the Chinese Cultural Fair today. ''[sniffles a bit with tears streaming down from his eyes]'' My little buns, making their first buns! :'''Sid''': ''[patting her father on the back; touched]'' Aw, Dad. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stanley''': I gotta go to the park and snag the best spot before Mike Liu gets there. ''[chuckles]'' Oh, and I'm gonna need you to make 800 bao just like those two. :'''Sid''': ''[chuckles weakly]'' It sounded like he said eight hundred. :'''Stanley''': I did. Better get started. See you at the park. ''[leaves again]'' :'''Adelaide''': But it took us forever to make ''two!'' :'''Sid''': ''[whining]'' At this rate, we'll be Dad's age by the time we finish! There ''HAS'' to be a better way! ''[gets an idea]'' That's it! <hr width="50%"> :'''Vito''': ''[while Hui warms up his nunchucks]'' Oh, bunch of tough guys, huh? ''[starts swinging his linked sausage nunchucks around, but manages to snare himself]'' Is it over? Did I win? :'''Maybelle''': ''[while wrestling with Woo over her grocery bag]'' You ain't gettin' these mangoes! ''[kicks Woo away]'' <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 2== ===''Squawk in the Name of Love (2.1)''=== :''[Carl and Adelaide find Sergio laying on the couch, bawling in tears while binging ice cream]'' :'''Adelaide''': Are you okay, Sergio? :'''Sergio''': Priscilla dumped me…''AGAIN!'' ''[sobbing]'' :'''Adelaide''': Oh. I'm so sorry, Sergio. :'''Carl''': You guys break up all the time. Just find a new girlfriend. There's plenty of birds in the sky. :'''Sergio''': I tried. Total fail. ''[Flashback to the moments of him trying to get a new girlfriend bird]'' One had terrible manners. ''[The female pelican launches a fish at him and he falls off]'' One just didn't listen. ''[holds up his phone showing a photo of Ronnie Anne to an owl]'' And for the fifth time, this is Ronnie Anne. ''[The owl hoots and he face palms himself; then seen having a dinner date with a female eagle]'' One was too aggressive. So, you like smaller birds? ''[The female eagle caws and picks him up and flies off into the sky; fading back to present]'' None lived up to sweet Priscilla. :'''Adelaide''': Why did she dump you? :'''Sergio''': No idea. ''[holds up his phone, showing them a photo of Priscilla annoyingly massaging his feet]'' Look at all the fun we had together. This is her giving me a foot massage, ''[scrolls down to another photo of them at Sancho's place]'' this is us at Sancho's watching the game, ''[scrolls to another photo of her massaging his feet while still at Sancho's]'' this is her giving me a foot massage ''while'' watching the game. :'''Adelaide''': She looks miserable! :'''Sergio''': Nah. That's just her resting ostrich face. ''[scrolls to a photo of Priscilla]'' :'''Adelaide''': It's clear what the problem is. You didn't treat her like a princess. It's okay, I can teach you how to act like a prince and win her back. :'''Sergio''': I'm not so sure. :''[The female eagle caws from outside the window, staring deadly at Sergio]'' :'''Carl''': Look, the eagle's back for a second day! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[with a bump on his head and a black eye, after getting hit by a microphone, via, thrown by Priscilla]'' And then she threw the microphone at me! :'''Adelaide''': Sounds like you deserved it. I'm up for you to write a song about Priscilla, and how you feel about her. :'''Sergio''': Ohhh. :'''Adelaide''': What if you surprised her with a delicious picnic? :'''Sergio''': Yeah. She'll love it. I'll get her a ''real'' feast. <hr width="50%"> :'''Adelaide''': Bow and kiss the queen's hand, then say the following. :'''Sergio''': Frank, Estelle, it is truly an honor. ''[kisses Estelle's foot, much to her approval]'' :'''Adelaide''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside lovely Priscilla. :'''Sergio''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside ugly Priscilla. :'''Adelaide''': I said lovely, you dope! :'''Sergio''': ''[stammering]'' I said lovely, you dope! Uh, I mean, you're so dope. High five. What? :'''Adelaide''': The moment I laid my eyes on her, I said to myself… ''[starts hitting the radio as it starts crackling and randomly plays country music]'' :'''Sergio''': ''[starts square dancing]'' Yee-haw! You're listening to GLC's number one country station. <hr width="50%"> :'''Adelaide''': ''[fighting with Nico as he plays along with the radio]'' Uh… Not now, you monkey! :'''Sergio''': Uh… ''[snapping]'' NOT NOW, YOU MONKEY! <hr width="50%"> :'''Adelaide''': Aww, so sweet. And they lived happily ever after. Now, if I could just get out of this tree. ===''Date with Destiny (2.2)''=== :'''Ernesto''': ''Buenos dias, mis estrellitas.'' Today, I am talking about the water sign. :'''Rosa''': Oh, Maria, that's you. :'''Ernesto''': A lifetime of happiness is in sight if… :'''Rosa, Ronnie Anne, and Bobby''': If… :'''Ernesto''': You're back with your ex by tonight. ''Es tu destino!'' :'''Rosa''': Maria, you're getting back together with Arturo. I knew it. :'''Maria''': Ugh, ay, Mama. You know I don't believe in any of that Ernesto stuff. :'''Carlos''': Yeah, me neither. But it's so weird because the other day he predicted… ''[flashback to the day he was brushing his teeth, squeezes the toothpaste tube and cash comes out]'' I'd find treasure in the bathroom. Check it out. It smells like mint. :'''Hector''': Money in the bathroom?! ''[dashes into the bathroom]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Maria''': Well, Ernesto's prediction for me can't possibly come true. I won't even be seeing Arturo today. I'm helping Frida with an art project all day, and Arturo is flying off to a medical convention in an hour. ''[walks away]'' :'''Rosa''': Trust me, ''mis niños,'' Ernesto's predictions ''always'' come true. :'''Bobby''': What if Ernesto ''is'' right? :'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom and Dad are ''not'' getting back together. ''Are'' they? :'''Bobby''': If they did, it would mean a lifetime of happiness for all of us! :'''Ronnie Anne''': I guess it's worth a shot. All we have to do is get them together by tonight and let the magic happen. :'''Rosa''': ''[pops up between them]'' You know, your mom and dad had their first date at the pier, so maybe if they met there. :'''Ronnie Anne''': Good idea, Abuela! I'll pick Mom up from the gallery. You stop Dad from getting on that plane. <hr width="50%"> :''[Ronnie Anne arrives at Frida's art studio, looking for her mother]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[looking around]'' Mom! Mom, are you here? :'''Maria''': ''[in a large orange piñata statue]'' Ronnie Anne, is that you? :'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, what happened to you? :'''Maria''': Frida. When I agreed to do this life-size mold for her art installation, I didn't expect to be in plaster for four hours. <hr width="50%"> :''[Bobby runs up to Arturo's place as he puts his suitcase in the taxi trunk]'' :'''Arturo''': Bobby, what are you doing here? I'm just on my way to the airport. :'''Bobby''': In a taxi? No, that's so impersonal. Let your son drive you. :'''Arturo''': No, ''mijo.'' It's okay. I don't want to be a bother. :'''Bobby''': It's no bother. And these taxis charge an arm and a leg to get to the airport. :''[The taxi driver clears his throat]'' :'''Arturo''': My company's paying for it. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronnie Anne''': Oh, no. We didn't do all this work just so another ex could swoop in and ruin everything! :'''Bobby''': Yeah, let that T-Bone find his ''own'' lifetime of happiness! :'''T-Bone''': Hey, would you like to have dinner with me tonight at our place? :'''Bobby''': They have a place?! :'''Maria''': ''[blushing]'' You remember the pizza place? I'll meet you there tonight at 7:00. I better go freshen up. ''[rushes off]'' :'''Ernesto''': You better fix this ''rapido'' or you're gonna be stuck with ''this'' guy! :'''Ronnie Anne''': We have to get rid of T-Bone and get Dad to the restaurant. :'''Bobby''': I'll grab Dad and meet you there! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, Dad, are you okay? :'''Arturo''': Mijo, what's gotten into you?! :'''Bobby''': ''We'' did all of this work to get you two here, so we can ''all'' have a lifetime of happiness! You're not leaving here until you get back together again, just like Ernesto said. :'''Maria''': So ''that's'' what this is about. :'''Arturo''': Huh? Can someone tell me what's going on? :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[sighs]'' Ernesto Estrella predicted you guys would get back together tonight. Hearing it out loud now, it does kind of sound silly, huh? :'''Maria''': ''[as she and Arturo smile at each other]'' I don't think it was silly. I mean, we are together tonight. :'''Arturo''': Just not romantically. :'''Bobby''': ''[disappointed]'' Yeah, but, it's just one dumb night. Not a lifetime. :'''Maria''': But we'll be a family for a lifetime. :''[The Santiagos all come in for a group hug]'' :'''Arturo''': And, hey, what if we made it a regular thing? A family pizza night every month. :'''Ernesto''': And BOOM! A lifetime of happiness after all. Ernesto is the best-o! Estrella out! ==''Curse of the Candy Goblin (Episode 3)''== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 4== ===''Skaters Gonna Hate (4.1)''=== :'''Sergio''': Hey, Carlos, who you spying on? :'''Carlos''': How'd you recognize me? And I'm not spying. I'm helping Ronnie Anne beat Tony Hawk's skate team by doing a little…research. :'''Sergio''': You mean, ''cheating?'' :'''Carlos''': I am ''not'' cheating! It's called, ''[shouting]'' RESEARCH! ===''Born to be Mild (4.2)''=== :'''Carl''': What was that all about? :'''Alexis''': Oh, the usual. ''[cleans out his tuba]'' Ricky and Julius picking on me like they do ''every'' day. :'''Carl''': Dude, you let them do this you ''every'' day? Why? :'''Alexis''': What choice do I have? I'm a hugger, not a fighter. :'''Carl''': Well, good luck with that. <hr width="50%"> :'''Alexis''': ''[on the stilts]'' Carl, what am I doing up here? ''[loses his balance]'' :'''Carl''': It's all about attitude! ''[on one of the stilts] ''We're building up your confidence.'' :'''Alexis''': By walking on stilts? :'''Carl''': It's an exercise. If you want to feel big you gotta act big! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': You messed with the ''wrong'' tuba boy! ''[munches on his nails, sharpening them]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Principal Valenzuela''': What is going on here?! :'''Carl''': Hey, Principal Valenzuela. So, funny story-- :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sharply]'' My office, now! ''[Later in her office]'' Okay, start talking. Who started this and why? :'''Carl, Alexis, Ricky and Julius''': They did! :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sighs]'' Fine. Then you're ''all'' going to be suspended! :'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' What?! :'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' Aw, man! :'''Alexis''': Does that mean I ''can't'' go to band practice? ''[starts to cry]'' :'''Carl''': Wait, it was my fault! Don't suspend Alexis! Suspend ''me!'' I wanted him to fight. I thought if he stood up for himself, he wouldn't get picked on anymore. :'''Alexis''': It's not all Carl's fault. He was just trying to help me, and he's right. I ''do'' need to stand up for myself. I just have to do it in my own way. ''[to Ricky and Julius]'' I really don't like when you guys put weird things in my tuba. It's hard to clean, and it always sounds bad afterwards. :'''Ricky''': But I like the funny sounds. ''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat as she seriously looks at both him and Julius; in unison]'' We're sorry. :'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' We won't do it again. :'''Alexis''': Great! So, now can we hug it out? :'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' Oh. :'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' What's a hug? :''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat again and grumbles]'' :'''Julius''': ''[sighs]'' Sure. :''[Alexis hugs both Ricky and Julius together, they all glow in shimmering gold]'' :'''Ricky''': I like hugs! :'''Julius''': Me too! :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Since you used your words to resolve this, no suspension this time. Bravo, boys. ''[The four boys start leaving her office, to Alexis for a second]'' One last thing, Mr. Flores. Are the rumors true? Did you really revenge-poop on a pigeon? ''[whispers]'' All the teachers are dying to know. :'''Alexis''': ''[shrugs]'' Maybe, maybe not. ''[leaves]'' :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[closes her office door]'' Sorry, ladies. I can't confirm ''or'' deny the rumors. :''[Ms. Galiano snaps her fingers in disbelief]'' ==Episode 5== ===''The Bros in the Band (5.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''For the Record (5.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 6== ===''15 Candles (6.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Rook, Line, & Sinker (6.2)''=== :''[Chavez Academy School; Carl and his parents are waiting in Principal Valenzuela's office]'' :'''Frida''': So you have no idea why Principal Valenzuela wanted to talk to us? :'''Carl''': Maybe I'm getting an award for best smile in school. :'''Frida and Carlos''': Hmm. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[enters her office]'' Mr. and Mrs. Casagrande… ''[annoyed]'' Carl, unfortunately, this ''isn't'' good news. :'''Frida''': So he ''didn't'' win best smile? :'''Principal Valenzuela''': No, Alexis won that. He flosses between every class. Carl was caught tricking kids out of their pudding snacks! :''[Frida and Carlos glare at their mijo]'' :'''Carl''': Come on. It was just one time with the pudding. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Just one time, huh? ''[opens up Carl's locker and pudding cups fall on him, much to his parents' horror]'' :'''Carl''': I'm sorry. I just love tricking people. Isn't that what you're always encouraging us do, Principal V, what we love? :'''Principal Valenzuela''': That is not what I meant! :'''Carlos''': We're so sorry, Principal Valenzuela. We're going to take care of this immediately. :'''Frida''': Carl, say you're sorry. (And stop eating the pudding!) :'''Carl''': ''[licking out a pudding cup, not listening]'' From the bottom of my heart, Principal V. You know, I'm gonna go home and have a good long think about my actions. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Oh? Glad to hear it. :'''Carl''': And since I'll be so busy thinking, I'll need to skip homework tonight. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Naturally. :'''Carl''': Great. Mom, Dad, let's go. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[realizes]'' Wait, no homework?! '''''CARL!''''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': ''[enters his and CJ's room, eating more pudding, finding his padre observing the ants in an ant farm]'' Dad, what's with the bugs? :'''Carlos''': Your mother and I think you need a new hobby other than tricking people, so I thought we'd try science. Check it out a real live ant farm three thousand ants digging a tunnel to their queen. :'''Carl''': ''[not interested]'' I wish I could dig a tunnel out of this room. ''[starts tapping the ant farm]'' Stop being boring. :'''Carlos''': Carl, let's not tap the plastic. <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> :'''Carlos''': ''[getting a call from Principal Valenzuela]'' Hey, Principal Valenzuela. ''[Frida gasps in excitement to hear the upcoming news]'' Are you calling to tell us what a good job we did with Carl? :'''Principal Valenzuela''': No! He's somehow worse than before! He tricked the teachers out of giving him tests for the rest of the year! He also keeps calling everyone pawns and saying "checkmate". :'''Carlos''': ''[gasps in horror]'' Carl's now using chess to ''trick'' people! :'''Frida''': ''[starts to sob]'' Oh, no. I'm so sorry, Principal Valenzuela! :'''Principal Valenzuela''': Actually, it's Hall Monitor Valenzuela. Carl tricked me out of my job. ''He's'' the principal now! :'''Carl''': ''[comes out of the office]'' Hey, Valenzuela, quit dawdling. That hall's not gonna monitor itself. :'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[growls]'' Argh! FIX THIS! :'''Carlos''': Ooh. I've created a monster. ''[looks at the chess board and gets an idea]'' There's only one thing to do - we have to ''beat'' Carl at his own game. <hr width="50%"> ==''The Golden Curse (Episode 7)''== :''[The Casagrandes are all making decorations for Paco and Paulina's wedding; Ronnie Anne, Carl, and CJ have prepared the wedding cake]'' :'''Rosa''': ''[enters the apartment with Mama Lupe and Paco]'' Look, everyone, it's Mama Lupe and Paco, our handsome groom. :'''Frida''': ''Hola.'' :'''Maria''': ''Bienvenidos.'' :'''Carlos''': Hi, Mama Lupe. :'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' ''Primo,'' ready to clip your wings-- I mean, get married? :'''Paco''': ''Claro que si.'' I can't wait to marry ''mi amor,'' Paulina. She's the wind beneath my wings. :'''Sergio''': Maybe you should keep her beneath your wing. I mean, real catch. :'''Mama Lupe''': Oh, ''[hugs Paco tightly]'' I can't believe ''mi bebe'' is finally getting married. ''[sits on the couch and claps]'' Oh, I could almost cry. :'''Frida''': ''[tearfully]'' Leave that to me. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': On to more important matters, decide on a best man yet? ''[clears throat]'' Say, "Sergio." :'''Paco''': I'm not sure, ''primo.'' It's a big responsibility. :'''Sergio''': Ah, come on, I'm responsible. ''[almost knocks the lamp off; chuckles]'' Hey, plus, I'll throw the best bachelor party ever! ''[hugs his primo, beggingly]'' Please. Oh, please. ''Por favor.'' ''[whimpers while making sad eyes]'' :'''Paco''': Okay, Sergio. Of course you can be my best man. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[waking up]'' Ah, best bachelor party ever. ''[checking his pockets]'' Still got everything? Let's see: wallet, keys, phone, ''las arras.'' ''[holds up the bag and notices a hole in it]'' Ah, crackers! <hr width="50%"> :'''Paco''': ''[squawks after his wedding suit rips and falls off from his body]'' My suit! Must have been the pepperoni I ate last night. It made me bloat. <hr width="50%"> :'''Paco''': Finally, I'm free! ''[looks in shock to see everything in a disaster]'' :'''Stanley''': Boy, bird weddings are fun! :'''Paco''': What's going on? :'''Mama Lupe''': Bad luck, that's what. :'''Rosa''': Nonsense. Every wedding has its setback. :''[The chandelier suddenly falls on the wedding arch]'' :'''Mama Lupe''': This is more than setbacks, it can only be due to one thing. ''Las arras!'' :''[Guitar riff is heard, revealing Hector having to fix his guitar]'' :'''Hector''': Ah, I fixed the strings. ''[the guitar strings break again]'' Chihuahua. :'''Rosa''': Sergio, I thought you said you got ''all'' thirteen coins. :'''Sergio''': I did, I'll prove it. ''[takes out the coins and counts them himself]'' …ten, eleven, thirteen. Booyah! :'''Carl''': You forgot twelve, genius. :'''Rosa''': ''[gasps]'' That means that one lucky coin is still missing! :'''Mama Lupe''': Missing?! ''[grinds her teeth with rage and tries to go after Sergio while the whole family tries to slow her down]'' Let me at him! ''[calms down]'' Aye, without the last lucky coin, the marriage will be cursed with bad luck forever. :''[Paulina has arrived just in time to hear that her and Paco's wedding is and will always be ruined]'' :'''Paco''': Paulina, my love! We don't need luck. ''[Paulina starts to sobbing in tears and runs away; turns to his primo, angrily]'' Thanks a lot, Sergio. You ruined my wedding! ''[flies after Paulina to console her]'' Paulina, please, come back! :'''Sergio''': I guess Paco was right to doubt me, I'm not best man material. ==Episode 8== ===''Let's Get Ready to Rumba (8.1)''=== :'''Rosa''': Hector, what are you doing under the table? :'''Ivan''': Huh! ''You're'' the health inspector who shut down my studio. :'''Sergio''': Ooh, this is gonna be good! ''[eats a bucket of popcorn]'' :'''Rosa''': ''Him?'' He's not a health inspector. He's my husband. :'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Awkward. :'''Ivan''': It seems like you two have a lot to talk about. I'm going to reopen my studio. :'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Time to bounce, everyone! :''[Ivan and the others leave the apartment]'' :'''Rosa''': Hector Casagrande, explain. :'''Hector''': Well, I was tired of hearing you talk about Ivan and his dance class, okay? So, I thought if I shut it down, that would be the end of it. :'''Rosa''': ''[sharped]'' Hector, how could you be ''so'' selfish?! I don't want to talk to you right now. ''[walks to the door, ripping it off, and leaves]'' :'''Bruno''': ''[walks in along with Vito]'' Gee, who could have seen this coming? :'''Hector''': Aww. I need to fix this. :'''Sergio''': ''[burps]'' And I need more popcorn. ===''Perro Malo (8.2)''=== :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[finds Malo scratching his ear, thinking he is Lalo]'' Oh! There you are. ''[picks up the leash and goes towards home as Malo struggles to go the other way]'' That's enough, Lalo. I took you for a walk. Now, let's go home. ''[a man passes them as they go and Malo barks at him]'' What's gotten into you? :'''Becky''': ''[finds Lalo rolling around in a bush, thinking he is Malo]'' There you are, Malo! ''[Lalo licks her in the face, revolted]'' Ew! Kisses? What's gotten into you? <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronnie Anne''': You're lucky you didn't have to walk Lalo. He is ''not'' in a fun mood. :''[Malo chews, rips off, and throws the couch's armrest which Hector is napping on, causing him to roll onto the floor, waking him up]'' :'''Hector''': Hey, Lalo! Why did you do that?! Now I have to go nap in the mercado. :'''Carl''': ''[after Malo takes a bite out of his El Falcón action figure]'' Hey! Lalo ate El Falcón's head! :'''Carlota''': ''[bare-footed as Malo starts chewing on her pair of boots by the door]'' Those are my new boots! :'''Bobby''': Lalo, what's going on with you? ''[screams as Malo bares his teeth, growling at him]'' :'''Carlota''': We better figure it out. Abuelo hates when pets misbehave. :'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' I woke him up once. Almost made parrot tacos out of me. :'''CJ''': Parrot tacos? Ew! :'''Sergio''': Hey! I'd make a great taco. ''[Malo visualizes him as a taco and tries to eat him; flies away]'' I take it back! I'd make a terrible taco! <hr width="50%"> :'''Maybelle''': ''[after Malo barges into the mercado, knocking her over]'' This is an awful shopping experience! :'''Hector''': Grab his leash before he destroys my entire mercado! :'''Bobby''': I got this! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronnie Anne''': I can't believe this is the last time we'll ever see Lalo. :'''CJ''': I'm gonna miss him so much. :'''Carlota''': ''[starts sobbing]'' This is the saddest day ever! ''[waters her eyes like Frida's]'' Ay, I've turned into Mom. <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': Wait a minute. There's ''two'' of them?! :''[Lalo and Malo go to their real owners after sniffing each other's tails]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[after Lalo licks her]'' Now ''this'' is our Lalo. :'''Becky''': ''[growls back at Malo after he growls at her]'' And this is ''my'' Malo! :'''Carlota''': Okay, I don't follow. :'''Hector''': I think I know what's going on. When I adopted Lalo, I chose from a litter of ''perritos.'' ''[Flashback to the day he adopted Lalo as a puppy]'' But one of them was clearly not for our familia. I called it a perro malo. And the woman giving the puppies away said Malo was the perfect name, 'cause he was bad to the bone. Then I saw another puppy who was the complete opposite, showing me lots of love. So I decided to call him, Lalo! :''[Flashback ends]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': They must have switched places when I was walking Lalo. I should have been paying attention to him instead of trying to watch the show. ''[to Lalo]'' I'm so sorry, boy. ==Episode 9== ===''Don't Zoo That (9.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> :'''Mrs. Chang''': Last badge, habitat maintenance. :'''Carl''': Awesome! I'm great at that. ''[confused]'' Uh, what is that? :'''Mrs. Chang''': It means you'll be building a home for one of our new and endangered animals. Lois, the Galapagos Tortoise. :'''CJ''': She's beautiful! :'''Mrs. Chang''': Yes she is, CJ, and she needs a special habitat to thrive. ''[points to bamboos and rocks as materials]'' Here are some building materials. Okay, good luck. Be back in a sec! Oh, and keep this gate closed. Lois likes to run out. ''[closes the gate and leaves]'' :'''Adelaide''': As group leader, I say we use bamboo for the base of a shelter. :'''Carl''': No way, we should use rocks. :'''Adelaide''': Fine, then I'm doing my ''own'' habitat. <hr width="50%"> ===''Maxed Out (9.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 10== ===''Skatey Cat (10.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Weather Beaten (10.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 11== ===''Race Against the Machine (11.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''My Fair Cat Lady (11.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 12== ===''Survival of the Unfittest (12.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Nixed Signals (12.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 13== ===''Ay Fidelity (13.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Cut the Chisme (13.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> :''[Evening at the Casagrande apartment]'' :'''Hector''': ''[entering]'' ''Hola,'' I'm home! Ho, you guys will never believe what Vito wears to bed. ''[sees his whole family, really annoyed at him]'' What? You already know about the bunny pajamas? :'''Carl''': No, Abuelo. This is a convention. :'''Carlos''': Actually Carl, the word is, "intervention." :'''Rosa''': Hector, your chisme addiction is embarrassing your family. :'''Bobby''': And making the customers mad. :'''Frida''': You're a chismoso. And by that I mean, you're the biggest gossip in town. :'''Hector''': What?! I'm not a gossip! <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 14== ===''Sidekickin' Chicken (14.1)''=== :'''Alexis''': It is I, Tuba Boy! :'''Sergio''': Tuba Boy? :''[Carl and Sergio see Alexis, in his Tuba Boy superhero costume with his mom recording]'' :'''Alexis''': Look, Mama! Tuba Boy, tu-ba rescue! :'''Carl''': Alexis is submitting a sidekick too? :'''Sergio''': And his costume looks amazing. :'''Carl''': Yeah, and mine's trash. I really need to step it up if I'm gonna win this contest! <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': ''[bumps into Adelaide, in her Pandalaide superhero costume]'' Adelaide, are you doing the contest too? :'''Adelaide''': Better believe it. The name's Pandalaide! I've got panda power and sweet panda dance moves! :'''Carl''': But you don't even watch "El Falcón." :'''Adelaide''': You're right, 'cause the show has no strong female character, but that's where I come in! <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': Ooh, the letter from the show! ''[reading]'' "Dear Carl Casagrande, thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, we didn't find El Pollito to be a very convincing sidekick." ''[whimpers with heartbreak]'' What? :'''Sergio''': Sorry, Carl. Crackers on me tonight. :'''Alexis''': ''[showing up along with Adelaide]'' Carl, we made it into the final round! What about you? :'''Carl''': ''[tearing up, upset]'' I-I didn't make it. ''[lays his head flat on the ground, sobbing]'' :'''Alexis''': Hey, you seem upset. You want a hug? It's one of Tuba Boy's powers. :'''Carl''': No, I'm fine! Everything's fine! :'''Adelaide''': Okay. Well, wish us luck. :'''Carl''': ''[crumples up the letter, angrily]'' These judges got it all wrong! El Pollito's not convincing? Oh, I'll convince them all right! :'''Sergio''': Ooh, whatcha thinking? Blackmail? I know a pigeon. :'''Carl''': No, we're gonna make another tape to prove the judges wrong. This time, we'll show El Pollito doing heroic acts. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bobby''': Carl, what's wrong with you?! :'''Carl''': I'm stopping Miranda from stealing all the newspapers. Read all about it! El Pollito saves the day! :'''Miranda''': ''[annoyed]'' I'm recycling them. These are from yesterday. <hr width="50%"> :'''Adelaide''': We did it! You're safe now. ''[unties Sergio]'' :'''Sergio''': My heroes! :'''Adelaide''': Sergio? :'''Alexis''': Why are you dressed as a baby? :'''Sergio''': Carl's idea! He wanted to look like a hero for the show. :''[Carl frees himself and falls flat on the ground]'' :'''Adelaide''': Carl, you put Sergio in ''real'' danger just to rescue him? :'''Carl''': ''[sighs sadly]'' It's true. I wanted to convince the show they were wrong for not picking me, but obviously, I totally blew it. Sorry. Turns out, I'm not much of a hero. :'''Sergio''': You're telling me. ===''Silent Fight (14.2)''=== :'''Frida''': ''[whispering angrily to Carl and CJ, breaking up their fighting]'' Are you kidding me?! If either of you wakes Carlitos… ''[fiercely]'' …'''you're grounded for a month!''' No, '''''two months!''''' <hr width="50%"> :''[Carl runs off and throws CJ's hair clippers out the window, shaving Vito's head]'' :'''Vito''': Hey, free haircut! :'''CJ''': ''[whispers]'' My clippers. ''[growls at Carl; dashes off and back with Carl's El Falcón shoes, and throws them out the window]'' :'''Vito''': (Huh?) Hey, free shoes! ''[puts the shoes on his feet]'' Check out my new look. <hr width="50%"> :'''Frida''': ''[wakes up and sees Carl and CJ trying to tiptoe out of the room after they woke up Carlitos, making him cry]'' Hold it right there! That's it! You two are grounded! :'''CJ''': But... :'''Carl''': Mom... :'''Carlos''': And why are you dressed as sheep? :'''Frida''': I don't even care! No buts, no moms. Go to your room, and I better not hear a peep from either one of you for the rest of the afternoon! :'''CJ and Carl''': This is your fault! :'''Frida''': ''[angrily whispering]'' Hey, I said, not…a…'''''peep'''''. <hr width="50%"> :'''Carlos''': Look at that, Frida! They managed to make up on their own. :'''Frida''': Shh! :'''Carlos''': Oops. Sorry, Frida. I got too excited. :''[Carlitos starts wailing off-screen]'' :'''Frida''': ''[angrily]'' And now, ''YOU'RE'' grounded! ''[walks off]'' :'''Carlos''': Wait, for how long?! ==Episode 15== ===''Kick Some Bot (15.1)''=== :'''Adelaide''': Mom, Sid. Mom. Guess what? My unicorn princess outfit won first place for Cutest Cosplay! ''[holds up a 1st place ribbon]'' :'''Becca''': Honey, that is the most amazing news I've ever heard. I'm so proud of you! :'''Adelaide''': Thanks. I deserved it. Look at me! ''[pulls a string on her party horn, shooting out confetti and lands on Sid]'' :'''Becca''': I'll add this ribbon to the Adelaide Wall of Fame. :'''Sid''': Keep some shelf space open for me. I finished a whole slice of pizza in one bite. It took a lot of courage in mouth space, but I didn't give up. ''[stretches her mouth open wide]'' :'''Becca''': Wow, a whole slice. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sid''': ''[while braiding Ronnie Anne's hair]'' My mom was giving Adelaide ''all'' the attention, and I was sitting there like, "Hello? I'm your daughter too." :'''Ronnie Anne''': Ugh. Sounds rough. I'm impressed with your pizza eating abilities. :'''Sid''': Thanks, but I feel like I have to do something big to make her proud of me. Ooh! I know! Maybe I'll eat ''two'' slices of pizza in one bite! Hit me, Breakfast Bot! ''[stretches her mouth wide open and Breakfast Bot stuffs the two pizza slices into her mouth]'' Pretty impressive, right? :'''Ronnie Anne''': Uh, that's cool, but you're also awesome with robots. :'''Breakfast Bot''': '''You know it, girl.''' :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[holding up her phone]'' And look! There's a Robotics Competition coming up right here in Great Lakes City! :'''Sid''': Winning that would definitely impress my mom! ''[burps]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[groans from the smell]'' Too bad there isn't a Strongest Pepperoni Burp Competition. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sid''': From the looks of things, I could actually win this. :'''Lisa''': ''[showing up; clears throat]'' Maybe you need your vision checked because your competition just got stiffer. :'''Sid''': Lisa Loud?! I subscribed to your monthly newsletter! You're competing too? :'''Lisa''': Yep. ''[presses her wrist watch]'' Todd, initiate grand entrance. ''[Todd emerges from the smoke cloud and zooms off with his name written in cloud form, as Sid watches in shock with her jaw dropped]'' May the best bot win. <hr width="50%"> :''[Maybelle and Mangobot get eliminated from the competition after Mangobot failed to show off his cleaning skill]'' :'''Maybelle''': We'll get 'em next time, Mangobot. :'''Mangobot''': ''[sadly]'' '''Mango.''' <hr width="50%"> :''[Vito and Robbie are eliminated from the competition after Robbie failed to make a dunk in the basketball hoop]'' :'''Vito''': Let's get you some ice cream. :'''Robbie''': '''Rocky Road always cheers me up.''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Breakfast Bot''': ''[presenting his plate of a stacked pancakes to the judges during the semifinal challenge]'' '''I make this look ''and'' taste good.''' :'''Judge #1''': ''[amazed]'' Ah, looks delicious! :'''Judge #3''': Wow! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sid''': Todd even outdid us at breakfast, and you're Breakfast Bot! This is gonna be harder than we thought. :'''Breakfast Bot''': '''This isn't your best pep talk.''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Lisa''': Todd, initiate guitar riff. :''[Todd wheels up on stage and makes an incredible riffing on his keyboard guitar]'' :'''Sid''': Those are some sweet riffs. But we can beat that, Breakfast Bot. :'''Lisa''': Todd, initiate drums. :''[Todd takes out an electric drum set and plays both his instruments]'' :'''Sid''': All right, he can do both at the same time. But we're still not done for. :'''Lisa''': Todd, initiate rap. :'''Todd''': ''[rapping]'' '''♪ T-O-Double-D / Can't you see I'm on a mission? / Coming in hot about to win this competition / Did I say something wrong? / 'Cause you look kind of annoyed / Well, I guess that's what you get / When you try to beat an android ♪''' :'''Sid''': Ugh, why's it got to be so catchy?! ''[turns to Breakfast Bot, who's jamming out to the electronic music, snaps him out of it]'' Stop it! We got to focus. We haven't even picked your talent yet. :'''Lisa''': Initiate mic-drop finale. <hr width="50%"> :'''Breakfast Bot''': ''[putting on a Lucha wrestling mask]'' '''Activate''' '''''Lucha Fight Mode!''''' :'''Sid''': Oh, no! I didn't realize I put the Lucha disc in there! It's programmed to wrestle all the other robots! ===''Salvador Doggy (15.2)''=== :'''Frida''': ''[angrily punches her painting with a hole]'' Terrible! You call this art?! ''[throws her painting on the ground, kicks it, and starts to sob]'' My showcase is tomorrow and I have no work to showcase at the showcase! This is the ''worst'' painter's block I've had in years. Oh, I know. I can listen to my favorite podcast. That should help. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[enters the apartment, wearing a scuba suit]'' Ready for our scuba lesson? ''[Lalo explains to him, gesturing the painting]'' You squiggled on paper. Congrats. ''[Lalo continues explaining]'' You gotta make ten more? For Frida? What's in it for you? Diddly-squat? Hold up. It's time I teach you about the law of supply and demand. If you're gonna supply, you gotta demand. :''[Later, Frida returns with supplies]'' :'''Frida''': Lalo, I'm back! Ready to paint? :'''Sergio''': ''[halting her]'' Not so fast. I'm Lalo's manager. ''[takes out a fake business card]'' For every painting my client makes, he's gotta get something out of it too. As does his manager. If you could, uh, please sign this contract. ''[takes out a lengthy contract]'' :'''Frida''': Ugh, fine. Anything to get more paintings. ''[signs the contract]'' :'''Sergio''': Initial here, here, here, here, here. Don't forget there. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': And now my client will be retiring for the evening. :'''Frida''': What?! But I need more paintings by tomorrow. :'''Sergio''': And Lalo needs his beauty sleep. He can finish in the morning. ''[he and Lalo leave]'' :'''Frida''': ''[growls angrily and lets out a scream so loud it can be heard outside the apartment; sighs while preparing for bed]'' Well, hopefully we can get the rest finished tomorrow. ''[finds Sergio in the bed and shrieks]'' :'''Sergio''': Excuse me. The artiste is trying to sleep. :'''Frida''': ''[confused]'' What? ''[lifts the covers, revealing Lalo snoring]'' Lalo?! But this is ''my'' bed! Where am I supposed to sleep?! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[yawns]'' Slept like a baby. That bed is comfy. Don't just stand there. Here's our breakfast order. ''[unveils a long breakfast list]'' :'''Frida''': ''[furiously losing it]'' That's it! ''[rips up the list]'' The deal's off! I'll find another artist, Lalo! You're not the only dog in town! ''[storms off]'' :'''Sergio''': Sheesh. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the doggy bed. <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 16== ===''The Wurst Job (16.1)''=== :'''Sid''': Oh, man. I wanna intern at your mercado with Mr. Inflatable. That guy gets to wave hello to people all day. :'''Ronnie Anne''': I wanna work at Bruno's hot dog cart. What could be easier than serving the world's greatest hot dogs for a week? It'll be a breeze. <hr width="50%"> :'''Vito''': Remember, Sameer, a hot dog for breakfast is the most important dog of the day. Let's see how you are at ordering. :'''Sameer''': Two dogs for Mr. Vito, please. :'''Vito''': Whoa! Very good! You are going places, mister. :'''Ronnie Anne''': Sameer, are you interning for Vito? :'''Sameer''': Yeah. I was wondered what he did for a living. :'''Ronnie Anne''': So, what does he do? :'''Sameer''': I don't know. He says he's about to make a comeback, but, comeback to what? It's a mystery. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bruno''': Now that we're done with the morning rush, it's time to study up on the menu. :'''Ronnie Anne''': Not to brag, but, I've eaten your Dragged Through the Garden dog like, a million times. :'''Bruno''': That's great, but, I got 50 other dogs. If you're gonna sell 'em, then you gotta know how they taste. :'''Ronnie Anne''': I thought you'd never ask! <hr width="50%"> :''[As Ronnie Anne wakes up the next morning, she notices that her family has disappeared, except for Lalo, who's still at the mercado]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': Hey, Sid. Have you seen my family? :'''Sid''': Everyone just went to the park for the hot dog eating contest. :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[worried with shock]'' Oh, no! If Bruno sees Bobby there, he'll know I was lying! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bruno''': Ronnie Anne? What are you doing here? :'''Ronnie Anne''': I'm sorry, Bruno. I lied about Bobby breaking his arm. I didn't want to come to work today because I didn't realize how hard your job is. But I'm here now, and I'm gonna help you. :'''Bruno''': I appreciate the apology, Ronnie Anne, but it's too late. I'm a laughing stock. ===''The Sound of Meddle (16.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 17== ===''Alpaca Lies (17.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Rocket Plan (17.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==''Phantom Freakout (Episode 18)''== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> :'''Director''': CUT! Someone clean up that mess, and stop playing that nightmare music! :'''Sid''': This is ''not'' going the way I planned, but I did get to smell Yoon Kwan just now, so it's kinda going how I planned. <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 19== ===''The Odd Father (19.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''The Long Shot (19.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==Episode 20== ===''Flock This Way (20.1)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ===''Movers and Fakers (20.2)''=== <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> <hr width="50%"> ==External links== [[Category:Children's television seasons]] qn7gx9q1tw4tlnc704uyecl5l505pld 0 241859 3157920 3072080 2022-08-25T19:06:39Z 152.17.146.79 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:No Time to Die.svg|thumb|No Time to Die]] '''''[[w:No Time to Die (film)|No Time to Die]]''''' is a [[w:2021 in film|2021 film]] in the [[w:James Bond in film|''James Bond'' series]] of spy films, and centres on Bond being pulled out of a five-year-long retirement by the CIA to rescue a kidnapped scientist, which sets him on a path to do battle with a powerful adversary in control of a cataclysmic technology that threatens all life on the planet. :''Directed by [[w:Cary Joji Fukunaga|Cary Joji Fukunaga]]. Written by [[w:Neal Purvis and Robert Wade|Neal Purvis, Robert Wade,]] Cary Joji Fukunaga and [[w:Phoebe Waller-Bridge|Phoebe Waller-Bridge]].'' <center>'''Bond is Back.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]</center> == James Bond == * ''[repeated line]'' {{W|We Have All the Time in the World|We have all the time in the world.}} * I miss you. ''[to Vesper Lynd's tomb, where he burns a note asking her "Forgive Me"]'' * ''[to Felix Leiter about Logan Ash]'' Where did you find The Book of Mormon? * ''[after using his EMP watch to turn Cyclops' bionic eye into a makeshift grenade]'' I just showed someone your watch, Q. It really blew their mind. == Lyutsifer Safin == * Saving someone's life connects you to them forever, the same as taking it. They belong to you. *''[final words.]'' And now, we are both poisoned with heartbreak. Two heroes in a tragedy of our own making. Everyone we touch, we are their curse. A stroke to their cheek, a kiss would kill them instantly. Yes, Madeline. Yes, Mathilde. You made me do this, you see? This was your choice. == Nomi == * ''[to Bond as he rests in Jamaica]'' Look, this all seems like heaven. This little bubble, or whatever. But it's so obvious you're a man who only has time to kill and nothing to live for. == Madeline Swann == * ''[to Mathilde]'' I'm going to tell you a story about a man. His name was Bond. James Bond. == Dialogue == :'''Madeline's Mother''': What do you think Papa does? :'''Madeline''': He's a doctor. ''[Madeline's mother scoffs.]'' He heals people. :'''Madeline's Mother''': Oh, no. No, no, your Papa... He ''kills'' people. :'''Madeline''': No. :'''Madeline's Mother''': Is that who you love? Murderers? <hr width="50%"/> :''[a masked man enters the Swann home]'' :'''Safin''': Is Mr. White home? :'''Madeline's Mother''': No, he's gone. :'''Man''': My name is Lyutsifer Safin. Your husband killed my family. :'''Madeline's Mother''': I'm telling you, he's gone. :'''Safin''': I know. This will hurt him more. ''[fires assault rifle pointblank at her]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bond''': How's the view? :'''Madeline''': It's growing on me. Can we go faster? :'''Bond''': We don't need to go faster, we have all the time in the world. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bond fights off Logan Ash and his men; Ash lies crippled underneath a flipped SUV only being held back by a tree now sagging under the weight]'' :'''Logan Ash''': You won't be able to stop him! So why don't you help me out, brother? :'''Bond''': I had a brother. His name was Felix Leiter. ''[Bond pulls the SUV down, letting the tree snap. Ash is crushed by the SUV.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bond''': If I don't come back, blow it all to shit. :'''Nomi''': We don't have enough explosives for that. :'''Bond''': Yeah, but they don't know that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bond is conversing with Q over the radio. James is still on Safin's island while Madeline and her daughter, Mathilde are on a separate island with Nomi standing guard. There are Tomahawk Missiles headed towards the island, but Bond is critically injured and has been poisoned with Safin's nanobots.]'' :'''Q''': Oh God. It's for Madeline. :'''Bond''': It's alright Q. It's all alright. Will you put Madeline on please? :'''Q''': Yes of course. How stupid of me. :''[Q patched Madeline through.]'' :'''Madeline''': James? :'''Bond''': Madeline... :'''Madeline''': I'm here. Where are you? Is it done? ''[Bond hesitates to respond, completely exhausted.]'' James? :'''Bond''': Yes, yes, yes... He's dead. Are you both there? :'''Madeline:''' Yes. :'''Bond:''' Good! Be safe, that's good. :'''Madeline:''' Have you left? :''[Bond briefly pauses.]'' :'''Bond''': No. Um... I'm not gonna make it. :'''Madeline''': ''[sorrowful at what he just said]'' What? :'''Bond''': Um... :'''Madeline''': No, you promised. :'''Bond''': Now, Madeline... ''[resumes climbing and finally ascends to the top of the control room, peeking out of a hatch that overlooks the island.]'' :'''Madeline''': Just get off that island. I know you can do this. Everything's good now! There's no one left to hurt us... :'''Bond''': Madeline... ''[stares out into the sunset, trying to catch his breath.]'' You have made... The most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Perfect. Because she came from you. ''[stumbles out of the hatch to see that the island's silo doors are open, ensuring the missiles will destroy the nanobots inside Safin's lair.]'' :'''Madeline''': Oh, god. The vial... You've been poisoned! :'''Bond''': Yes. :'''Madeline''': There must be a way. There must be a way... We just need more time! If we only had more time...! :'''Bond''': {{W|We Have All the Time in the World|You have all the time in the world.}} :'''Madeline''': I love you. :'''Bond''': I love you too. :''[Madeline and Nomi watch as the missiles rocket through the sky and towards Safin's island. Mathilde watches as well, uncomprehending. Madeline turns to her daughter, then goes back to the radio.]'' :'''Madeline''': She does have your eyes. :'''Bond''': I know. ''[looks up as the missiles go on terminal guidance, breaking off into fragments like fireworks. In his final moments, he is dignified and composed.]'' I know... ''[The missiles hit the island and Bond watches the first explosion before a second hit obscures Bond entirely.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mallory / M''': Very hard to know what to say. But I thought we should gather, and remember. : ''[Mallory sets a glass of whiskey down on a coaster in the center of the table -- a memorial to Bond. A wide shot reveals Mallory, Q, Moneypenny, Tanner, and Nomi circled around it. Mallory pulls a small book out of his jacket pocket.]'' :'''Mallory''': And I... I thought this was appropriate: ''[quoting a [[w:Jack London|Jack London]] book]'' "The function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them. I shall use my time." ''[sets the book down, grabs a glass of his own and stands. Tanner begins a circle-wide toast.]'' :'''Tanner''': To James. :'''Nomi''': James. :'''Q''': James. :'''Moneypenny''': James. :'''Mallory''': James... ''[They all drink to his memory.]'' Right. Back to work. ''[clinks the glass on the table.]'' == Taglines == * Bond is Back. * The mission that changes everything begins. == Cast == * [[w:Daniel Craig|Daniel Craig]] - [[James Bond]] * [[w:Rami Malek|Rami Malek]] - Lyutsifer Safin * [[w:Lea Seydoux|Lea Seydoux]] - Madeleine Swann * [[w:Lashana Lynch|Lashana Lynch]] - Nomi * [[w:Ben Whishaw|Ben Whishaw]] - Q * [[w:Naomie Harris|Naomie Harris]] - Eve Moneypenny * [[w:Jeffrey Wright|Jeffrey Wright]] - Felix Leiter * [[w:Christoph Waltz|Christoph Waltz]] - Ernst Stavro Blofeld * [[w:Ralph Fiennes|Ralph Fiennes]] - [[w:M (James Bond)|Gareth Mallory/M]] * [[w:Billy Magnussen|Billy Magnussen]] - Logan Ash * [[w:David Dencik|David Dencik]] - Valdo Obruchev * [[w: Ana de Armas|Ana de Armas]] - Paloma * [[w:Rory Kinnear|Rory Kinnear]] - Bill Tanner * Dali Benssalah - Primo / "Cyclops" * Lisa-Dorah Sonnet - Mathilde == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=2382320|title=No Time to Die}} * {{Official|https://www.007.com/no-time-to-die/}} [[Category:2021 films]] [[Category:Action films]] [[Category:James Bond 007]] [[Category:British films]] [[Category:Films about terrorism]] [[Category:Films about revenge]] 9ztvgr9dgsdnt5wcjo84rgzjvpxjul4 0 242818 3157974 3136575 2022-08-25T22:33:27Z HearthHOTS 3120771 wikitext text/x-wiki [[W:Kyle Rittenhouse|'''Kyle Rittenhouse''']], (born January 3, 2003 age 18 years) from [[w:Antioch, Illinois|Antioch, Illinois]], who on August 25, 2020, amid the [[w:Kenosha unrest|unrest in Kenosha, Wisconsin]], shot and killed two men ([[Joseph Rosenbaum|Joseph D. Rosenbaum]] and Anthony M. Huber) and wounded another (Gaige Grosskreutz) in self defense. He was armed with an [[AR-15 style rifle]], while the individual wounded by Rittenhouse was armed with a [[Glock]] handgun. Rittenhouse stated that he was in Kenosha to protect a car dealership from vandalism and to provide medical aid. Rittenhouse's trial took place between November 1 and 19, 2021. The judge dismissed an unlawful weapon possession charge and a curfew violation charge and on November 19, 2021 the jury found Rittenhouse unanimously not guilty of all charges. ==Quotes== *As I’m walking down Sheridan Road, I hear somebody scream, “Burn in hell.” And I reply with, “Friendly, friendly, friendly.” To let them know, hey, I’m just here to help. I don’t want any problems. I just want to put out the fires if there are any. I continue walking and then I notice the Duramax, I notice a flame in the back seat of the Duramax and I stepped towards the Duramax and as I’m stepping forward, I believe his name is now Joshua Ziminski, he steps towards me with a pistol in his hand. As I’m walking towards to put out the fire, I drop the fire extinguisher and I take a step back.<br>My plan is to get out of that situation and go back north down Sheridan Road to where the Car Source lot number two was.<br>Once I take that step back, I look over my shoulder and Mr. Rosenbaum was now running from my right side and I was cornered from, in front of me with Mr. Ziminski and there were three people right there. **[https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/kyle-rittenhouse-testimony-during-homicide-trial-transcript-november-10 10 November 2021 testimony when interviewed by defense] *Because he's attacking me and stomping my face in and jumping and kicking my face. **10 November 2021 [https://twitter.com/NationalFile/status/1458562044408602624 response] when asked by lead prosecutor [[W:Thomas Binger|Thomas Binger]] "Why are you shooting at someone with an AR-15 at close range?" ***Binger followed up with "All he uses was one foot, correct?" *If I had to do it all over again and I had any idea something like this would happen, I wouldn't do it. **November 2021 per Mark Richards per 20 November 2021 [https://www.insider.com/kyle-rittenhouse-wishes-didnt-have-to-do-it-lawyer-says-2021-11 article from Insider] *This case has '''nothing''' to do with race.<br>It '''never''' had anything to do with race.<br>It had to do with the [[W:right to self-defense|right to self-defense]].<br>I'm '''not a racist''' person.<br>'''I support the BLM movement'''.<br>I support '''peacefully''' demonstrating.<br>I believe there needs to be change.<br>I believe there’s a lot of prosecutorial misconduct, not just in my case but in other cases.<br>It's just amazing to see how much a prosecutor can take advantage of someone. **November 2021 interview with [[Tucker Carlson]], from a portion previewed Sunday 21 November 2021 with the full interview slated to air Monday 22 November 2022 ==About== ===2020=== *A 17 year old white supremacist domestic terrorist drove across state lines, armed with an AR 15.<br>He shot and killed 2 people who had assembled to affirm the value, dignity, and worth of Black lives. Fix your damn headlines. **26 August 2020 [https://twitter.com/ayannapressley/status/1298780540431224832 tweet] by [[Ayanna Pressley|U.S. Congresswoman Ayanna Pressley]] on twitter. *We’re going to focus on the second half of the claim — that it was "perfectly legal" for the teenager to carry a firearm in Kenosha. Is that true? State laws suggest not. **27 August 2020 by [[w:PolitiFact|PolitiFact]] writer Daniel Funke in [https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2020/aug/28/facebook-posts/did-kyle-rittenhouse-break-law-carrying-assault-st/ 'Perfectly legal' for Rittenhouse to carry a gun? False] ***16 November 2021 an "editor's note" was added saying "Judge Bruce Schroeder recently dismissed a misdemeanor charge of possession of a dangerous weapon by a person under 18 against Kyle Rittenhouse. Readers asked us if this made the fact-check below invalid. We don’t think so." *We're walking down Sheridan, 'bang, bang,' hear gunshots go off.<br>He ran up on somebody with an assault rifle, like he was just gonna tackle dude to the ground.<br>He came at the dude, dude rolled on the ground, and had a perfect vantage point to just put one in him, and he did.<br>If those three hadn't run up on that dude, he would have opened fire into the crowd.<br>Who knows what he would have done. He already killed someone. **28 August 2020 statement by Hannah Gittings (the girlfriend of Anthony M. Huber, a felon convicted of domestic abuse via strangulation in 2012) in interview with WISN-TV per [https://hotworldreport.com/world-news/one-of-the-protesters-killed-in-kenosha-tried-to-stop-the-shooter-with-his-skateboard-before-being-shot-girlfriend-says/ HWR] *You saw the same tape as I saw. And he was trying to get away from them, I guess; it looks like. And he fell, and then they very violently attacked him. And it was something that we’re looking at right now and it’s under investigation. But I guess he was in very big trouble. He would have been — I — he probably would have been killed. **31 August 2020 by President [[Donald Trump]] in [https://archive.md/KW8Ni archived press briefing] *Rittenhouse began running slowly down the street as a crowd began to follow him, with some people shouting "get him!" and shouting he just shot someone.<br>Rittenhouse '''tripped''' and fell.<br>While he was on the ground, police say, he appeared to fire two shots at a man who '''jumped over him''' but missed.<br>..<br>Trump’s comments completely overlook the fact that people started following him after he allegedly shot and killed someone. He also claimed protesters "violently attacked" Rittenhouse, but that is '''not fully supported by the videos''', either.<br>..<br>Rittenhouse did fall as a crowd followed him, but Trump’s comments leave an incendiary and false picture: By the time he fell, according to criminal charges, Rittenhouse had already shot and killed one person that night. **1 September 2020 by [[W:PolitiFact|PolitiFact]] writer [[W:Haley BeMiller|Haley BeMiller]] in [https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2020/sep/01/donald-trump/trump-paints-false-picture-kyle-rittenhouse-shooti/ "Trump paints false picture of Kyle Rittenhouse shootings"] **19 November 2021 when Rittenhouse was exonerated, [[W:Joseph Wulfsohn|Joseph Wulfsohn]]]] of [[Fox News]] responded in [https://www.foxnews.com/media/politifact-kyle-rittenhouse-trump Rittenhouse acquittal: PolitiFact blasted for fact-check saying Trump's comments on incident were 'false'] *The complaint says Black told authorities that over the summer he received money for the Smith & Wesson M&P 15 rifle from Rittenhouse, his friend, who was too young to have legally purchased the weapon himself.<br>..<br>According to the criminal complaint against Black, the weapon used in the shootings was purchased on May 1 at the Wisconsin gun store Ladysmith Ace Home Center by Black, who prosecutors claim was “aware” Rittenhouse could not have made the purchase himself. Since Rittenhouse was an Illinois resident he also did not have an Illinois Firearm Owner Identification card, so the pair agreed to have the weapon stored at Black’s stepfather’s house in Kenosha, the complaint says.<br>..<br>The pair went to Black’s stepfather’s house on Aug. 25, the complaint says, where Black gave Rittenhouse the gun. **10 November 2020 by Stefan Sykes in [https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/19-year-old-charged-illegally-supplying-gun-kyle-rittenhouse-n1247307 NBC News article] commenting on how [[Dominick Black]] originally bought the rifle Rittenhouse used **original complaint that Sykes is paraphrasing can be found [https://www.documentcloud.org/documents/20417118-dominick-black-complaint here] *I want to live in a country where Colin Kaepernick is seen as a hero and Kyle Rittenhouse is seen as a terrorist. **22 November 2020 [https://twitter.com/mjfree/status/1330704667907678208 tweet] by [[Morgan J. Freeman]] *I want to live in a country where Colin Kaepernick is seen as a hero and Kyle Rittenhouse is seen as a terrorist. **23 November 2020 [https://twitter.com/georgetakei/status/1330858409256751113 tweet] by [[George Takei]] ===2021=== *Wisconsin court records listed Rittenhouse’s race differently — one record (regarding the homicide accusations) described him as white, and another (listing two violations during a traffic stop) said he was Hispanic.<br>Considering that information, we reached out to Kenosha law enforcement officials to learn how authorities determine defendants’ race for court records and why deputies listed Rittenhouse as “Hispanic” in mid-August and “white” roughly one week later. **5 May 2021 by [[Jessica Lee]] of [[Snopes]] in [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/rittenhouse-wisconsin-court/ article] *The three men Kyle Rittenhouse shot during a protest against police brutality in Wisconsin last summer can be characterized as “rioters,” “looters,” or “arsonists” — but not victims, the judge in his murder trial ruled this week.... Assistant District Attorney [[W:Thomas Binger|Thomas Binger]] called the rules a double standard, noting during the court hearing that terms “such as rioter, looter and arsonist are as loaded, if not more loaded, than the term ‘victim.'”...Binger also noted that [Judge] [[W: Bruce Schroeder|Schroeder]] was inconsistent in his “victims” rule, which is apparently a long-held policy of the judge inside his courtroom. “You’ve not let me call someone a victim when it was proven,” he said. Binger argued that referring to the three men as “looters” or “rioters” is particularly unjust because these phrases serve to give the impression that Rittenhouse’s actions were justified...Beyond barring the description of the men Rittenhouse shot as “victims,” Schroeder has ruled that prosecutors cannot bring up Rittenhouse’s connections to the [[Proud Boys]], a white nationalist organization that has a history of inciting violence at protests. Schroeder... said that Rittenhouse’s association with the Proud Boys wasn’t relevant to the case — despite the fact that shortly after the fatal shootings last year, Rittenhouse flashed a hate symbol and posed for pictures with the group in a Wisconsin bar. **27 October 2021 by [[Chris Walker]] of [[Truthout]] in [https://truthout.org/articles/judge-bars-prosecutors-from-calling-those-killed-by-rittenhouse-victims/ Judge Bars Prosecutors From Calling Those Killed by Kyle Rittenhouse “Victims”] *Kyle Rittenhouse is a murderer. The End. **10 November 2021 [https://twitter.com/RoArquette/status/1458463104732254216 tweet] by [[w:Rosanna Arquette|Rosanna Arquette]] *Time for America to redefine what it means to be a “promising young man” **10 November 2021 [https://twitter.com/PadmaLakshmi/status/1458651796088528897 tweet] by [[Padma Lakshmi]] *Kyle Rittenhouse is a murderer and terrible... actor... **10 November 2021 [https://twitter.com/ChadLindberg/status/1458494725627858945 tweet] by [[w:Chad Lindberg|Chad Lindberg]] *Everyone judging Kyle Rittenhouse's performance today. Guys, he isn't an actor - he's a murderer, give him a break. **10 November 2021 [https://twitter.com/katystoll/status/1458497489288380420 tweet] by [[Katy Stoll]] *If you accuse Kyle Rittenhouse of “faking tears” from being forced to relive the trauma of having to shoot violent, armed child-rapists and arsonists, but claim PTSD from being called the wrong pronouns... **10 November 2021 [https://twitter.com/scrowder/status/1458602018419978244 tweet] by [[Steven Crowder]] ***this was retweeted by [[Adam Baldwin]] *Rittenhouse testified in his murder trial today, breaking down in tears as '''he told the jury he murdered two men''' at a Black Lives Matter protest last year **11 November 2021 by [[CBS Mornings]] account on Twitter during the trial before a verdict was reached ***[https://www.foxnews.com/media/cbs-slammed-after-tweeting-rittenhouse-testified-he-murdered-two-men-straight-up-libelous deleted later that night] *The #RittenhouseTrial displays yet again that our “justice” system is racist.<br>How would this trial be going if he was a Black 17 yr old that crossed state lines illegally carrying an AR-15 and shot 3 white protesters?<br>We need real justice in the legal system. This isn’t it. **11 November 2021 [https://twitter.com/benandjerrys/status/1458964448924819460 tweet] by the official account for [[Wikipedia:Ben and Jerry's|Ben and Jerry's ice cream]] *He is not a white supremacist. He is not a racist.<br>I was in shock. I was angry.<br>President Biden don’t know my son, whatsoever.<br>He did that for the votes.<br>I was so angry for a while at him and what he did to my son. **12 November 2021 comments by Kyle's mom Wendy Rittenhouse [https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/kyle-rittenhouses-mother-says-biden-defamed-son-suggesting-white-supre-rcna5453 per NBC coverage] of her interview with [[Sean Hannity]] in response to candidate [[Joe Biden]]'s tweet describing Rittenhouse as a white supremacist *BREAKING: FBI infrared video proves Kyle’s arm is pointing at Ziminskis, not rifle. Binger lied. Rifles are not the same temperature as a human body Now we know why the FBI withheld this evidence for 14 months. **12 November 2021 [https://twitter.com/JackPosobiec/status/1459303787122864129 tweet] by [[Jack Posobiec]] *If Kyle Rittenhouse is a white supremacist, like the Democrats/Media have so desperately portrayed him, why’d he only shoot white people in self defense? Why do the vast majority of people not know that minor detail? **14 November 2021 [https://twitter.com/DonaldJTrumpJr/status/1459955623307665421 tweet] by [[Donald Trump Jr.]] *He goes around and he ends up unloading, what, sixty rounds, kills two people, wounds a third person. **14 November 2021 by [[Joe Scarborough]] of MSNBC reported [https://thepostmillennial.com/msnbc-host-spreads-lies-about-rittenhouse-case here] and [https://bariweiss.substack.com/p/the-medias-verdict-on-kyle-rittenhouse here] [[File:Tucker Carlson (50752283806) (cropped).jpg|thumb|So no, Kyle Rittenhouse did not violate Wisconsin's gun laws... and that means that for more than a year, Big Tech and its lackeys throughout [[mainstream media|our media]] have spread misinformation about Kyle Rittenhouse.... Well, they're not going to admit it, of course. ~ [[Tucker Carlson]]]] [[File:AR-15_Sporter_SP1_Carbine.JPG|thumb|In fact, under Wisconsin law, which apparently no one in any newsroom in America had even bothered to check, 17-year-olds are allowed to carry rifles as long as their barrels meet a minimum length requirement, and Kyle Rittenhouse’s rifle met that requirement.]] *In fact, under Wisconsin law, which apparently no one in any newsroom in America had even bothered to check, 17-year-olds are allowed to carry rifles as long as their barrels meet a minimum length requirement, and Kyle Rittenhouse’s rifle met that requirement. So no, Kyle Rittenhouse did not violate Wisconsin's gun laws. Today, even the prosecution at the trial was forced to admit that. And so immediately, the judge dismissed the firearms charge.<BR>...He had not committed a gun crime, and that means that for more than a year, Big Tech and its lackeys throughout [[mainstream media|our media]] have spread misinformation about Kyle Rittenhouse. Well, that's embarrassing. What are they going to say? Well, they're not going to admit it, of course. They're going to make certain you don't learn about it.<br>..<br>Just minutes after the judge in the case dismissed the gun charge, YouTube, which is owned by Google, censored the video streams of several independent legal experts who were commenting on the trial in real time. These were knowledgeable attorneys, many of whom were critical of the obvious weaknesses in the prosecution's case. Now, hundreds of people were watching those streams at the moment they were canceled, but over concern that Americans might conclude that Kyle Rittenhouse is innocent, YouTube shut them down, citing policy violations. In other words, God forbid people [[think]] for themselves. That's not allowed anymore. If you want to know what's happening in your world, you've got MSNBC to tell you. **16 November 2021 by [[Tucker Carlson]] in [https://www.foxnews.com/opinion/tucker-carlson-media-big-tech-kyle-rittenhouse Media and Big Tech lied about the Kyle Rittenhouse case - here's the truth, ''Fox News''] *I do have a lot of sympathy for this kid because he is just a kid to me so it was just like a really dumbass kid who unfortunately became the figurehead for this. **18 November 2021 by [[Hannah Gittings]], ex-girlfriend of Anthony Huber, per [https://nypost.com/2021/11/18/anthony-hubers-girlfriend-has-a-lot-of-sympathy-for-kyle-rittenhouse/ New York Post article] *BREAKING: Rittenhouse lawyer says he believes jury is deadlocked at 6-6 split **18 November 2021 [https://twitter.com/JackPosobiec/status/1461864190554124294 tweet] by [[Jack Posobiec]] *Please stop acting like you don’t know what this is. He murdered two people. And will walk free. You’ve never in your life heard of a POC that killed two people and got to walk free. #WhitePrivilege **19 November 2021 [https://twitter.com/MalyndaHale/status/1461765554092462082 tweet she later deleted] (see [https://archive.md/2uFmm archive]) by [[Malynda Hale]] *Carrying a loaded gun into a community 20 miles from your home and shooting unarmed citizens is fundamentally wrong. **19 November 2021 [https://twitter.com/GovPritzker/status/1461802665986465797 tweet] by [[W: J. B. Pritzker|Illinois Governor J. B. Pritzker]] *Kyle Rittenhouse was acquitted of all charges Friday after testifying he acted in [[self-defense]] in the deadly Kenosha shootings that became a flashpoint in the debate over [[guns]], [[W:vigilantism|vigilantism]] and [[Racism in the United States|racial injustice]] in the U.S. Rittenhouse, 18, began to choke up, fell forward toward the defense table and then hugged one of his attorneys as he heard a court clerk recite “[[W:not guilty|not guilty]]” five times. A sheriff’s deputy whisked him out a back door...<BR>“He wants to get on with his life,” [[W:defense attorney|defense attorney]] Mark Richards said. “He has a huge sense of relief for what the jury did to him today. He wishes none of this ever happened...”<BR> '''Richards... said that Rittenhouse wants to be a [[nurse]] and that he is in counseling for [[Posttraumatic stress disorder|post traumatic stress disorder]] and will probably move away because “it’s too dangerous” for him to continue to live in the area.''' <BR>Going in, '''many legal experts said they believed the [[defense]] had the advantage because of provisions favorable to Rittenhouse in [[W:Wisconsin self-defense law|Wisconsin self-defense law]] and video showing him being chased at key moments. Testimony from some of the prosecution’s own witnesses also seemed to buttress his claim of self-defense.''' **19 November 2021 by trio of writers (Michael Tarm, Scott Bauer and Amy Forliti) in [https://chicago.suntimes.com/crime/2021/11/19/22791752/kyle-rittenhouse-verdict-trial-not-guilty-kenosha Kyle Rittenhouse found not guilty on all charges, ''Associated Press, Chicago Sun Times''] *Kyle would be going to jail today if not for [[Alternative media|independent media]]<BR>[[Joy Reid]] is in a hotel room melting down on air, compares Kyle Rittenhouse to a slave-catcher<BR>BREAKING: [[Tucker Carlson]] is making Kyle Rittenhouse documentary and has been filming this entire time behind the scenes<BR>[[W:Legal arguments|Legal arguments]] were good but we all know it was the [[video]] that saved Kyle.<BR>Kyle won because of independent media being there to tell the truth [[mainstream media|Corporate media]] would have railroaded him. Independent media there on the scene providing video to the jury won out in the end **19 November 2021 [https://twitter.com/JackPosobiec/status/1461864190554124294 tweet] by [[Jack Posobiec]] *I’m trying to take a beat to digest the Rittenhouse verdict. My son just asked me how it’s possible that '''he didn’t get charged''' for anything. How is that possible? I don’t have an answer for him. **19 November 2021 [https://twitter.com/mariashriver/status/1461847746147540997 tweet] by [[Maria Shriver]] ***Shriver is implying no charges were pressed when in fact five were: Rittenhouse was acquitted of them all instead of being convicted [[File:Kenosha's Lakefront.jpg|thumb|Sometimes the good guys win. We celebrate the just exoneration of Kyle Rittenhouse. ~ Darryl Cooper]] *Here are the facts that are important to me. Kyle Rittenhouse, who was a minor at the time, traveled from Illinois to Wisconsin, and picked up an [[assault rifle]] that was '''illegally purchased''' for him. He '''took the law into his own hands, killing two people''' and injuring another... I understand why people believe that justice was not served in this case, because I feel the same way. This ruling makes clear we have so much work to do to take on gun violence, and reform our broken criminal justice system so that it starts working equally and fairly for everyone.<BR>In Wisconsin, this judge has now ruled that it’s legal for a minor to walk the streets in Wisconsin with an '''assault weapon'''. If that is true, then our state legislature should take action now in a bipartisan way to change the law and make it illegal... To me that’s just common sense that most people in our state would agree with.<br>The fact that some people are cheering a ruling that has allowed someone to '''take the law into his own hands''' and walk '''free from any accountability after shooting and killing two people''' is disrespectful to the lives that were lost, and I am deeply concerned that it will encourage more tragic gun violence from those like Kyle Rittenhouse who think they have a license to take the law into their own hands in a violent way. **19 November 2021 by [[Tammy Baldwin]] in [https://www.baldwin.senate.gov/news/press-releases/us-senator-tammy-baldwin-statement-on-the-verdict-in-the-kyle-rittenhouse-trial Statement on the Verdict in the Kyle Rittenhouse Trial] *The Hero Kyle Rittenhouse was judged NOT GUILTY on all charges. And rightly so. **19 November 2021 by [[Theodore Beale]] of [[Vox Popoli]] in [https://voxday.net/2021/11/19/a-verdict-is-in-2/ A Verdict Is In] *Anthony Huber and Joseph Rosenbaum are victims. They should be alive today.<br>The only reason they’re not is because a violent, dangerous man chose to take a gun across state lines and start shooting people.<br>To call this a miscarriage of justice is an understatement. **19 November 2021 [https://twitter.com/NYCMayor/status/1461761720939167745 tweet] by outgoing NY mayor [[Bill de Blasio]] *Kyle: if you want an internship, reach out to me. **19 November 2021 [https://www.instagram.com/stories/madisoncawthorn/2710578555990905722 Instagram post] by [[Matt Gaetz]] *Justice was served for #KyleRittenhouse and he is fully exonerated. As I said last year, obviously self-defense. I will arm wrestle @mattgaetz to get dibs for Kyle as an intern. **19 November 2021 [https://twitter.com/DrPaulGosar/status/1461761699728572425 tweet] by [[Paul Gosar]] threatening violence against [[Matt Gaetz]] over access to Kyle *Richards blamed Pierce for incidents that included a trip Rittenhouse took to Miami.<br>The meeting was supposed to have been with the leader of the [[Proud Boys]].<br>When Rittenhouse learned of the plan, he called his [[Mothers|mother]] and departed the city, Richards said. **19 November 2021 by [[Alberto Luperon]] of [[Law and Crime]] in [https://lawandcrime.com/live-trials/live-trials-current/kyle-rittenhouse/kyle-rittenhouse-lawyer-blames-fired-attorney-for-proud-boys-photo-accuses-ex-counsel-of-promoting-himself/ article] [[File:Non-Violence av Carl Fredrik Reuterswärd på Solliden 01.jpg|thumb|...based on all of the evidence and the law. It really was [[self-defense]]. Rittenhouse wasn’t the [[W:aggressor|aggressor]].... So where do we go from here? I certainly pray people won’t be emboldened by this verdict to show up with their [[guns]] every time there is a [[protest]]... But I fear some will. ... ~ [[https://chicago.suntimes.com/columnists/2021/11/19/22792101/kyle-rittenhouse-verdict-self-defense-correct-verdict Mark Brown, ]] ]] *'''Many people are going to have trouble accepting the Kyle Rittenhouse [[W:not guilty|not guilty]] verdict, but I think there would be fewer of them if they’d watched the trial, beginning to end, as a jury does.''' It bothers me deeply that Rittenhouse killed two people with a gun a 17-year-old shouldn’t have had in a fight he shouldn’t have been anywhere near. But, as I wrote before the jury began its 26-plus hours of deliberations, '''it’s the correct verdict based on all of the evidence and the law. It really was self-defense. Rittenhouse wasn’t the aggressor in the chain of events that led to the shootings...''' So where do we go from here? I certainly pray people won’t be emboldened by this verdict to show up with their guns every time there is a protest over a matter of public dispute. But I fear some will. Despite what people are saying, Rittenhouse’s acquittal should not be seen a victory for [[White supremacy|white supremacists]]... **19 November 2021 by [[Mark Brown]] of [[Chicago Sun Times]] in [https://chicago.suntimes.com/columnists/2021/11/19/22792101/kyle-rittenhouse-verdict-self-defense-correct-verdict Kyle Rittenhouse verdict: It really was self-defense no matter how reckless he was] *Sometimes the good guys win. We celebrate the just exoneration of Kyle Rittenhouse. **20 November 2021 by [[Darryl Cooper]] of [[American Mind]] in [https://americanmind.org/salvo/america-on-the-verge/ article] [[File:Car Source Kenosha Burned out car lot.jpg|thumb|Rittenhouse, among other charges, was on trial for killing Joseph Rosenbaum, a pedophile guilty of eleven counts of child molestation on five boys aged nine to eleven, including anal rape. ~ Benjamin Braddock]] *The Rittenhouse decision jeopardized every freedom fighter... Everyone who’s a demonstrator can be killed by a right-winger with[out] justification...We have the right, the constitutional right, to march... He has the constitutional right to object. He does not have the right to kill us... Nobody has the right to go across state lines [with] a loaded weapon, come back with a loaded weapon, shoot two people and then go home...<br>Miracle Boyd, a youth organizer for the [[W:Anti-violence|anti-violence]] group Good Kids Mad City, said Saturday that the jury’s verdict was a “miscarriage of justice.” “He’s the exact kind of person that the system was designed to protect — not my Black and Brown cousins,” Boyd said. “[[W:Trayvon Martin|Trayvon Martin]] had skittles and an Arizona [Iced Tea] and was shot to death. Mr. Rittenhouse was a 17-year-old with an AR-15 as big as him, murdered two people and was sent scot-free... Let’s stop pretending like [[oppression]] and [[white supremacy|supremacy]] doesn’t exist,” Boyd said. **20 November 2021 by [[Jesse Jackson]] per Madeline Kenney of Chicago Sun Times in [https://chicago.suntimes.com/2021/11/20/22793687/protest-saturday-chicago-kyle-rittenhouse-verdict-kenosha-jacob-blake Hundreds protest acquittal of Kyle Rittenhouse as Jesse Jackson warns verdict sets a ‘dangerous precedent’] *The acquittal of Rittenhouse follows a travesty of a trial in which a right-wing judge systematically undermined the prosecution by excluding all of the evidence that would have rebutted Rittenhouse’s claim that he was acting in “self-defense.” <BR> [[w:Bruce Schroeder|Kenosha County Circuit Court Judge Bruce Schroeder]] did not permit the jury to hear that after Rittenhouse posted bail, he celebrated the killings at a pub with top Proud Boys members, where he flashed “white power” signs, belted out the Proud Boys anthem and grinned for selfies with other Proud Boys members. Nor did the judge permit the jury to hear that before the shooting, Rittenhouse was recorded saying that he wanted to shoot people he thought were shoplifting. “Bro, I wish I had my f—ing AR,” he said. “I’d start shooting rounds at them.”<br>'''The trial was a right-wing spectacle from beginning to end. At one point the judge, wearing an American flag tie, led the jury in a round of applause for one of Rittenhouse’s experts on the grounds that he was a “veteran” who “served our country.”''' At another point the judge’s cellphone rang with a Trump rally ring tone. At the end of the trial, he let Rittenhouse pick the jurors’ names out of a tumbler like it was a circus raffle....The argument that Rittenhouse was acting in “self-defense” turns reality upside-down. If anyone had a right to self-defense, it was the protesters who collectively confronted a right-wing vigilante who appeared at their protest pointing a loaded military-style rifle at them.... When Rittenhouse opened fire, Gaige Grosskreutz and other protesters believed that he was an “active shooter.” Like a soldier who jumps on a grenade to save his comrades, Anthony Huber pushed his girlfriend out of the way and charged Rittenhouse, armed only with a skateboard in an effort to protect the other protesters. Rittenhouse shot him dead. **20 November 2021 by [[Tom Carter]] of [[WSWS]] in article [https://www.wsws.org/en/articles/2021/11/20/pers-n20.html The acquittal of Kyle Rittenhouse: A judicial travesty] *Last year when no one would stand up for Kyle, one Christian from the Midwest stepped up to pay his bail so that Kyle could finally go home to be with his mother. His name is [[W:Michael J. Lindell|Michael J. Lindell]] **20 November 2021 [https://twitter.com/JackPosobiec/status/1462098648859299840 tweet] by [[Jack Posobiec]] *Hmm. The embedded Fox crew “was approved by people raising money to compensate Rittenhouse’s lawyers”. Rittenhouse Lawyer Kicked Tucker Carlson Film Crew Out of the Room -''Rolling Stone''<br>'''Divide & conquer''': A sample of 32,315 pro-Rittenhouse hashtag tweets, Nov 19-20, showed 29,609 with disabled geolocation. Of those, 17,701 were listed as “foreign”, but a deep scrub revealed most of those were in Russia, China, and the EU. **20 November 2021 [https://twitter.com/FrankFigliuzzi1/status/1462139212451303425 tweet] and [https://twitter.com/FrankFigliuzzi1/status/1462512685145198593 followup] by [[W:Frank Figliuzzi|Frank Figliuzzi]] *The fact that white supremacists roam the halls of Congress freely and celebrate this '''little murderous white supremacist''' and the fact that he gets to walk the streets freely, it lets you know these people have access to instituting laws…they run the legislative branch… **21 November 2021 by [[w:Tiffany Cross|Tiffany Cross]] per [https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2021/11/msnbc-host-calls-kyle-rittenhouse-little-murderous-white-supremacist-following-acquittal-video/ article by Cristina Laila] * Rittenhouse, among other charges, was on trial for killing Joseph Rosenbaum, a pedophile guilty of eleven counts of child molestation on five boys aged nine to eleven, including anal rape. That this pedophile was not already executed for these crimes — in fact, not even in jail for them — is evidence of a failed state that abdicated any right to a monopoly on the use of violence. If you need any further evidence, just look at what was allowed to happen in Kenosha before Rittenhouse put the fear of God into the rioters. Forty buildings burned to the ground and an additional hundred were damaged. Livelihoods destroyed and the local residents terrorized. They would have us forget our experience of Summer 2020, the tension and fear that hung in the air, knowing that dialing 911 no longer assured someone would show up to help. Americans were on their own. This was the reality of those months, staying up late watching riots unfold in real-time through internet live streams, wondering when this might come to our neighborhoods. **21 November 2021 [https://im1776.com/2021/11/20/america-trial/ article] by [[Benjamin Braddock]] *Only on MSNBC could a Hispanic teenager go out to defend an Indian car dealership from a mob of white rioters and get labeled a [[White supremacy|white supremacist]] **21 November 2021 [https://twitter.com/JackPosobiec/status/1462534395047387139 Tweet] by [[Jack Posobiec]] *On August 25, 2020, a seventeen year old young man shot and killed two convicted felons to death and shot and disarmed another. It was all caught on livestream. Within two days, charges were filed against that young shooter for a flurry of offenses. On November 19, 2021, a jury acquitted that young shooter of all charges. The trial, both actual judicial proceedings and broader media persecution, of Kyle Rittenhouse was complete. Society now has to live with the consequences of our new era of political trial spectacles.<br>[[W:Kyle Rittenhouse|He]] protected where his family lived, where he worked. He went and cleaned up the mess rioters made. He showed amazing cool under pressure and marksmanship to take out multiple attackers. He did it all alone with a mob chasing him. He shamed an entire group of people: right wingers. Someone finally stood up to the months’ worth of mobs and it was a kid. He became a folk hero overnight and energized an entire faction of America. Someone had finally said enough. Someone had finally stood their ground. He was the right’s boy, and they would defend his actions. It was all on tape, and he had defended his community and self. His instincts were all right and intentions were from the heart yet he was persecuted by our warped regime for it.<br>Kyle became a folk hero. He was the very definition of one as a simple man who in a time of crisis did something good to defend order and community against the paramilitary forces of an evil regime. He shamed the right because beyond his actions, he revealed how powerless the right has become. The entire system arranged itself against him. Charges were slapped on him with an absurd bail amount despite years of the left crying about excessive bail and being pro-criminal. He had no legal defense fund infrastructure nor a legal network to automatically take up his cause. He had grifters and charlatans attach themselves to him and screw him over early. He withstood the attacks of the media for over a year, and there was not a thing the right could do in the supposed neutral media ecosystem. He stood alone once more because of all of the losses the right has sustained over the decades.<br>This was a political show trial. **22 November 2021 [https://theamericansun.com/2021/11/22/on-boys-and-wolves/ article] by Fred Watson Jr. *A '''white kid in Wisconsin''' shoots three threats and kills two of them in self defense and the fake news media declares him a white supremacist to the world.<br><br>A black supremacist in Wisconsin targets white people and murders them with his SUV and the fake news media blames the SUV **23 November 2021 [https://twitter.com/DrewHLive/status/1463370581726826498 tweet] by [[Drew Hernandez]], comparing Rittenhouse to [[Darrell Brooks]] *Rep. [[Marjorie Taylor Greene]] (R-Ga.) introduced a bill on Tuesday to award Kyle Rittenhouse the Congressional Gold Medal for "protecting the community of Kenosha, Wisconsin, during a Black Lives Matter (BLM) riot on August 25, 2020... Kyle Rittenhouse deserves to be remembered as a hero who defended his community, protected businesses, and acted lawfully in the face of lawlessness. I’m proud to file this legislation to award Kyle Rittenhouse a [[w:Congressional Gold Medal|Congressional Gold Medal]]," Greene said in a statement to The Hill. Conservatives have praised the jury’s not guilty verdict in a trial that has divided the nation along partisan lines, embracing the argument that Rittenhouse was acting in self-defense and intended to protect local businesses. The reaction has been different among Democrats... Civil rights activists have warned the verdict will encourage similar vigilante actions. **24 November 2021 by [[Sarakshi Rai]] of [[The Hill]] in [https://thehill.com/homenews/house/583068-marjorie-taylor-greene-introduces-bill-to-award-congressional-gold-medal-to Marjorie Taylor Greene introduces bill to award Congressional Gold Medal to Rittenhouse] *Three people were shot that night in Kenosha. All by the boy who said he was there to help. The boy with the gloves. Did he expect to get blood on his hands that night? Was Rittenhouse afraid when he fired his first shot, the moment he stepped out of the virtual and into the real? Certainly. But not as scared as the man he shot. Four times. And then stood over, as Joseph Rosenbaum bled from wounds in his head, arm, groin and back. He didn’t reach for his medical kit or call 9/11. He ran off into the night and called a friend, “I’ve just shot someone.” He kept going, harm on the run, shooting two more people, one in the heart and nearly blowing another’s arm off, before he was allowed by Kenosha cops to just slip away, back across the state line, to the safety of home in Antioch, Illinois.<BR>[[Fear]] pulled the trigger. Fear spread fear. Fear was the killer... How is it that the most armed society the world has ever known is also the most afraid?<BR>...The killer becomes the celebrity. Like [[W:Achilles|Achilles]] dragging Hector’s corpse around the walls of Troy, Rittenhouse the avenger makes the rounds, telling his story of righteous wrath... Republicans have dutifully introduced a resolution in the House calling for Shooter to be bestowed his victory laurels, the [[w:Congressional Gold Medal of Honor|Congressional Gold Medal of Honor]]. **26 November 2021 by [[Jefffrey St. Clair]] of [[Counter Punch]] in [https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/11/26/roaming-charges-34/ Roaming Charges: Fear is a (White) Man’s Best Friend] ==Charges== # 940.02(1) 1st-Degree Reckless Homicide # 941.30(1) 1st-Degree Recklessly Endangering Safety # 940.01(1)(a) 1st-Degree Intentional Homicide # 940.01(1)(a) 1st-Degree Intentional Homicide # 941.30(1) 1st-Degree Recklessly Endangering Safety # [https://docs.legis.wisconsin.gov/statutes/statutes/948/60 948.60(2)(a) Possess Dangerous Weapon-Person < 18] # 323.28 Fail to Comply w/ Emergency Mngt Order of State or Local Gov ==Wisconsin State Law== *[https://docs.legis.wisconsin.gov/statutes/statutes/948/60 948.60 Possession of a dangerous weapon by a person under 18.] ::(c) This section applies only to a person under 18 years of age who possesses or is armed with a rifle or a shotgun if the person is in violation of s. 941.28 or is not in compliance with ss. 29.304 and 29.593. This section applies only to an adult who transfers a firearm to a person under 18 years of age if the person under 18 years of age is not in compliance with ss. 29.304 and 29.593 or to an adult who is in violation of s. 941.28. *[https://docs.legis.wisconsin.gov/statutes/statutes/941/iii/28 941.28 Possession of short-barreled shotgun or short-barreled rifle.] ::(b) “Short-barreled rifle" means a rifle having one or more barrels having a length of less than 16 inches measured from closed breech or bolt face to muzzle or a rifle having an overall length of less than 26 inches. ====Rifle Specifications==== *'''The Rifle Used August 25th 2020''' *Smith & Wesson Model [https://snwcdnprod.azureedge.net/sites/default/files/spec-sheets/10159.pdf M&P®15 SPORT™ II OR.] ** Barrel Length: 16” (40.64 cm) ** Overall Length: 35” (88.90 cm) ==See also== {{col-begin}} {{col-3}} *[[Activism]] *[[Administration of justice]] *[[Aggression]] *[[Armageddon]] *[[Assumption|Assumptions]] *[[Civil disobedience|Civil unrest]] *[[Compassion]] *[[Conflict]] *[[Corruption]] *[[Courts|Court]] *[[Diplomacy]] *[[Dissent]] *[[Ethics]] {{col-3}} *[[Evidence]] *[[Gun Control|Gun control]] *[[Hatred]] *[[Herd mentality]] *[[Homicide]] *[[Judgment]] *[[Justice]] *[[Mainstream media]] *[[Mob rule]] *[[Morality]] *[[Law]] *[[Law enforcement]] *[[Peace]] {{col-2}} *[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Right%20of%20self-defense Right of self-defense] *[[Rule of law]] *[[Self-defense]] *[[Smith & Wesson M&P15]] *[[Ten Commandments]] *[[Tolerance]] *[[Truth]] *[[Tyranny]] *[[W:Vigilantism|Vigilantism]] *[[Violence]] {{col-end}} == External links == * [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpdIO89c52k ''The Kenosha Kid WALKS - A Righteous Rant''] {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Rittenhouse, Kyle}} [[Category:People charged with crimes]] [[Category:People from Illinois]] [[Category:2003 births]] [[Category:Living people]] 7eam49rcz05wb2e7nxzuotumf7qcwkc 0 244979 3157844 3139064 2022-08-25T14:16:04Z Antandrus 237630 Undo revision 3088065 by [[Special:Contributions/2001:8003:DDAA:5A00:A987:E5A7:D279:A907|2001:8003:DDAA:5A00:A987:E5A7:D279:A907]] ([[User talk:2001:8003:DDAA:5A00:A987:E5A7:D279:A907|talk]]) rv blocked antisemite wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Secretary Blinken's Official Department Photo.jpg|thumb|Media freedom plays an indispensable role in informing the public, holding governments accountable, and telling stories that otherwise would not be told. The U.S. will continue to stand up for the brave and necessary work of journalists around the world.]] [[W:Antony Blinken|'''Antony John Blinken''']] (born April 16, 1962) is an American government official and diplomat serving as the 71st [[w:United States secretary of state|United States secretary of state]] since January 26, 2021. He previously served as [[w:Deputy National Security Advisor (United States)|deputy national security advisor]] from 2013 to 2015 and [[w:United States Deputy Secretary of State|deputy secretary of state]] from 2015 to 2017 under President [[Barack Obama]]. During the [[w:Presidency of Bill Clinton|Clinton administration]], Blinken served in the [[w:United States Department of State|State Department]] and in senior positions on the [[w:United States National Security Council|National Security Council]] from 1994 to 2001. He was a senior fellow at the [[w:Center for Strategic and International Studies|Center for Strategic and International Studies]] from 2001 to 2002. He advocated for the [[w:2003 invasion of Iraq|2003 invasion of Iraq]] while serving as the Democratic staff director of the [[w:United States Senate Committee on Foreign Relations|Senate Foreign Relations Committee]] from 2002 to 2008. He was a foreign policy advisor for [[Joe Biden]]'s unsuccessful [[w:Joe Biden 2008 presidential campaign|2008 presidential campaign]], before advising the [[w:Presidential transition of Barack Obama|Obama–Biden presidential transition]]. {{political-stub}} ==Quotes== [[File:Зустріч Президента України з Державним секретарем і міністром оборони США 23.jpg|thumb|[[Russia]] [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|has sought]] as its principal aim to totally subjugate [[Ukraine]] — to take away its [[sovereignty]], to take away its [[independence]]. That has [[failed]].]] *Media freedom plays an indispensable role in informing the public, holding governments accountable, and telling stories that otherwise would not be told. The U.S. will continue to stand up for the brave and necessary work of journalists around the world. **Quoted in [https://truthout.org/articles/british-court-trusts-us-to-protect-assange-even-though-cia-plotted-to-kill-him/ British Court Trusts US to Protect Assange Even Though CIA Plotted to Kill Him], [[Marjorie Cohn]], ''Truthout'' (15 December 2021) * Yesterday, [[Joe Biden|President Biden]] said that in his opinion, [[war crimes]] have been committed in [[Ukraine]]. Personally, I agree. Intentionally targeting civilians is a war crime. After all the [[destruction]] of [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|the past three weeks]], I find it difficult to conclude that the [[Russians]] are doing otherwise. The consequences of Moscow's war are being felt around the world ... We'll make sure that our findings help international efforts to investigate war crimes and hold those responsible accountable. ** [https://www.cnn.com/europe/live-news/ukraine-russia-putin-news-03-17-22/h_0618d3664b71d5230049c71ad22127c1 "US secretary of state says he agrees with Biden's assessment that Putin has committed war crimes", ''CNN'' (17 March 2022)] - [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zdad7jKUVM ''PBS'' video] * [[Russia]] [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|has sought]] as its principal aim to totally subjugate [[Ukraine]] — to take away its [[sovereignty]], to take away its [[independence]]. That has [[failed]]. It’s sought to assert the [[power]] of its [[military]] and its [[economy]]. We of course are seeing just the opposite — a military that is dramatically underperforming; an economy, as a result of sanctions, as a result of a mass exodus from Russia, that is in shambles. And it’s sought to divide the West and [[NATO]]; of course, we’re seeing exactly the opposite … We don’t know how the rest of this war will unfold, but we do know that a sovereign, independent Ukraine will be around a lot longer than [[Vladimir Putin]] is on the scene. And our support for Ukraine going forward will continue. ** [https://www.defense.gov/News/Transcripts/Transcript/Article/3009051/secretary-of-state-antony-j-blinken-and-secretary-of-defense-lloyd-austin-remar/ Remarks to Traveling Press, ''US Department of Defense'' (25 April 2022)] === Press conference in Brussels (4 March 2022) === [[File:Secretary Blinken Delivers Remarks to the Press (51914435391).jpg|thumb|The international rules-based order that’s critical to maintaining [[peace]] and security is being put to the test by [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|Russia’s unprovoked and unjustified invasion of Ukraine]].]] [[File:Protests against war in Ukraine in Moscow (24 February 2022) 2.jpg|thumb|Of all the [[consequences]] of [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|Moscow’s unprovoked attack]], one of the most unexpected is the spark it has lit in [[people]] around the [[world]] who have come out to demonstrate for [[freedom]], for the [[rights]] of [[Ukrainians]]. That includes valiant individuals in places where protesting the Kremlin’s [[war]] means risking arrest, beatings, or worse, as thousands of [[Russians]] and [[Belarusians]] have done.]] :<small> [https://www.state.gov/secretary-antony-j-blinken-at-a-press-availability-15/ Secretary Antony J. Blinken At a Press Availability (4 March 2022)]</small> * The international rules-based order that’s critical to maintaining peace and security is being put to the test by Russia’s unprovoked and unjustified invasion of Ukraine. <br /> The Kremlin’s attacks are inflicting an ever-increasing toll on civilians there. Hundreds if not thousands of Ukrainians have been killed, many more wounded, as have citizens of other countries. More than a million refugees have fled Ukraine to neighboring countries. Millions of people across Ukraine are trapped in increasingly dire conditions as Russia destroys more critical infrastructure. For example, Mariupol’s mayor says that most of the besieged city’s residents are living without water, without electricity, without heat. Bridges to the city have been destroyed. Women, children, growing ranks of wounded civilians cannot get out. Food and medical supplies cannot get in. The mayor wrote today, and I quote, “We are simply being destroyed.” The world has seen Russia use these grisly tactics before in Syria, in Chechnya. <br /> Meanwhile, Russia’s reckless operation around the Zaporizhzhia nuclear power plant risked a catastrophe, a nuclear incident. The Kremlin should immediately cease all attacks around Ukrainian nuclear facilities and allow civilian personnel to do their work to ensure the facility’s safety and security, as both the IAEA director general and a resolution adopted yesterday by the agency’s board of governors have called on Russia to do. * Yesterday, President Putin said his so-called “special military operation” is proceeding exactly as planned. Well, it’s hard to imagine that his plan included inspiring the Ukrainian people to defend their country with such tenacity; strengthening the resolve and solidarity of NATO and the EU; uniting the world in opposition to Moscow, including 141 countries at the United Nations; an unprecedented number of international businesses, associations, cultural institutions that have cut ties with Russia; causing the Russian economy to go into freefall; motivating tens of thousands of Russians to protest and countless more to leave the country; and increasingly turning Russia into a pariah state. If that was President Putin’s plan, well, you can say it’s working. Russia has never been so isolated; we have never been more united. <br /> But let me reiterate one thing because it’s very important: We take these actions not because we oppose the Russian people – we do not. We regret that tens of millions of Russians will suffer because of the dangerous decisions made by a tiny circle of corrupt leaders and their cronies who have consistently put their interests above those of the Russian people, who are doing everything they can to hide their war of choice from the Russian public. * We’ll deepen our support for Ukraine’s brave defenders and for the Ukrainian civilians suffering as a result of the deepening humanitarian crisis. We’ll continue to raise the cost of President Putin and all who carry out and enable his war of choice and the devastation that it’s causing. We’ll continue to strengthen our capacity to defend our collective security and deter further escalation by Russia, including by upholding our Article 5 commitment that an attack on one is an attack on all. NATO is a defensive Alliance. We’ve never sought and will not seek conflict with Russia. But as President Biden has said, we will defend every inch of NATO territory. No one should doubt America’s readiness or our resolve. <br /> At the same time, we’ll keep open the door to dialogue and diplomacy while making clear to the Kremlin that unless it changes course, it will continue down the road of increasing isolation and economic pain. And we’ll support Ukraine in its talks with Russia to reach a ceasefire and the unconditional withdrawal of Russian forces, something that Foreign Minister Kuleba and I have been discussing on a daily basis. In the meantime, we are working urgently with the Government of Ukraine, the ICRC, and others to create humanitarian corridors that will allow civilians to get out of Ukraine’s besieged cities and to allow food, medicine, and other vital supplies to get in. Russia’s attack created this humanitarian crisis. Now, all countries have a responsibility to pressure the Kremlin to alleviate at least some of the misery that it has wrought. * Of all the [[consequences]] of Moscow’s unprovoked attack, one of the most unexpected is the spark it has lit in [[people]] around the [[world]] who have come out to demonstrate for [[freedom]], for the [[rights]] of [[Ukrainians]]. That includes valiant individuals in places where protesting the Kremlin’s [[war]] means risking arrest, beatings, or worse, as thousands of [[Russians]] and [[Belarusians]] have done. For years, we’ve seen the [[dangerous]] tide rolling back [[democracy]] and [[human rights]] and undercutting the rules-based order, fueled in no small part by Moscow. With this brutal invasion, we, our European allies and partners, and people everywhere are being reminded of just how much is at stake. [[Now]], we see the tide of democracy rising to the [[moment]]. === Remarks at Meeting of NATO Foreign Ministers (7 April 2022) === :<small>[https://www.state.gov/secretary-antony-j-blinken-press-availability-at-the-meeting-of-nato-foreign-ministers/`Press Availability at the Meeting of NATO Foreign Ministers (7 April 2022)]</small> * The [[United States]] continues to work methodically to collect, to preserve, to analyze evidence of atrocities and to make this [[information]] available to the appropriate bodies. We’re supporting a multinational team of experts that’s assisting a [[war crimes]] unit set up by [[Ukraine]]’s prosecutor general, with a view toward eventually pursuing criminal [[accountability]]. These efforts will also ensure that [[Russia]] cannot escape the verdict of [[history]]. <br/> Just moments ago, as I was coming into this room, I learned that [[United Nations|UN member states]] had come together once again to condemn [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|Russia’s aggression]] and suspend it from the Human Rights Council. A country that’s perpetrating gross and systematic violations of [[human rights]] should not sit on a body whose job it is to protect those [[rights]]. * I can say unequivocally from my discussions with many colleagues here in recent days, colleagues from around the globe, the revulsion at what the Russian Government is doing is palpable. There’s a greater determination than ever to stand with Ukraine, to shore up and revitalize the international order that Moscow is trying to upend, to bring to bear even greater costs on the Russian Government, to ensure that people are held accountable for their crimes. * To our Russian colleagues: Ukraine is not your country. Its grain is not your grain. Why are you blocking the ports? You should let the grain out. ** [https://nypost.com/2022/07/08/russian-minister-sergey-lavrov-leaves-g20-after-photo-snub/ "Vladimir Putin lackey Sergey Lavrov storms out of G20 after photo snub"], New York Post, 8 July 2022 ==Quotes about Blinken== *The story (11/22/20) that informed ''New York Times'' readers that Antony Blinken would be named secretary of State didn’t even mention [[W:WestExec|WestExec]], the corporate consulting firm he co-founded... in a profile on Blinken (11/22/20), a team of three Times reporters explained that ''his extensive foreign policy credentials are expected to help calm American diplomats and global leaders alike after four years of the Trump administration’s ricocheting strategies and nationalist swaggering.'' Lara Jakes, Michael Crowley and David E. Sanger found space to note that Blinken had earned “admirers even among conservative Republicans in Congress,” and that he also has a lighter side that may not be immediately evident when he is seen testifying or meeting foreign diplomats. He plays in a band. He has a tight group of close friends from his days as a student at Harvard and his rise through the Washington foreign policy firmament. Yet nowhere did they reveal his role at WestExec (or mention how progressives feel about his hawkish worldview). *Even after its own in-depth WestExec piece, the Times continued to elide that information in other reporting. A piece by White House correspondent Annie Karni (11/29/20) reported that Biden had “announced an all-female White House communications staff, with Jennifer Psaki, a veteran of the Obama administration, in the most visible role as White House press secretary.” The piece noted Psaki’s previous experience working for both Obama and John Kerry, the fact that she and many others on the team were “mothers of young children,” and that she “said she saw her job as trying to ‘rebuild trust of the American people.'” Yet it didn’t mention her role with WestExec, reported the day before by her Times colleagues, nor how that might impact Psaki’s trust-building mission.... A later piece (12/1/20) on Biden’s communications team perfunctorily noted, in a paragraph on Psaki’s past experience, that she “has served a principal at WestExec Advisors, a consulting firm founded by Antony J. Blinken, **[https://fair.org/home/action-alert-at-nyt-now-you-see-corporate-influence-now-you-dont/ Action Alert: At NYT, Now You See Corporate Influence, Now You Don’t, Julie Hollar], [[Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting]], December 8, 2020 *Secretary of State Tony Blinken has recently said that the US should “squeeze North Korea,” and cut off its access to resources, to get North Korea to the negotiating table.... How do we actually get to peace, and prevent the risk of a nuclear war? And our solution is to get to the root of the problem, and that is the unresolved Korean War. So I just want to stress the urgency of this issue....On the other hand, at North Korea’s Workers’ Party Congress last month, Kim Jong-un said they will continue to develop nuclear weapons unless there is a fundamental change in US policy. So I believe that unless something shifts, the stage is actually set for another nuclear standoff. And I believe it’s not a question of if, it’s a question of when. **[https://fair.org/home/washington-has-been-asking-the-wrong-question-on-north-korea/ Hyun Lee in ‘Washington Has Been Asking the Wrong Question on North Korea’ CounterSpin interview with Hyun Lee on ending the Korean War, by Janine Jackson], [[Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting]], February 17, 2021 *''Losses on both sides were profound'' — U.S. secretary of state Antony Blinken, May 25 press conference with Israel’s prime minister Netanyahu in Israel, ''AlJazeera''.... <BR>(All of the following li(n)es were uttered during the same press conference.) Yes. Losses were profound. But not on both sides. On one side, among Palestinians, of whom 253 were killed, including 66 children, and 2,000 injured, including 200 who may suffer from long-term disability. None of this would’ve happened if it wasn’t for the continuing U.S. policy of showering Israel with unconditional military, diplomatic and political support.<BR>''Casualties are often reduced to numbers''. — Antony Blinken Well that depends on whether you’re looking for details or not. Let’s go behind some of these numbers Blinken is referring to, starting with Bashar Ahmad Ibrahim Samour. Bashar was just 17 years old when Israeli forces targeted him with the help of the United States’ continuing bipartisan silence of mass destruction, which currently amounts to $3.8 billion of military aid, every year. That’s almost $500,000 of U.S. taxpayer dollars spent every hour of every day on the Occupation and resulting atrocities committed by Israel on Palestinians like Bashar.... **[https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/06/01/reading-between-blinkens-lines/ Reading Between Blinken’s Li(n)es, by Priti Gulati Cox, ''CounterPunch''], June 1, 2021 *''As the prime minister mentioned we had a detailed discussion about Israel’s security needs including replenishing Iron Dome.'' — Antony Blinken<BR> “Replenishing Iron Dome” indeed. Maybe the focus on Israel’s missile defense system has something to do with the fact that Israel was caught off guard by the Palestinian resistance, with their bodies and rocks in hand ready to use for self-defense, in response to Israel’s increasing attempts of ethnic cleansing in Jerusalem; the rockets that were launched by Hamas and other resistance factions after Israel refused to meet their demands that included withdrawing its military forces from the Al-Aqsa mosque and from the Sheikh Jarrah neighborhood — all of which led to the latest round of hostilities.<BR>''We know that to prevent a return to violence we have to use the space created to address a larger set of underlying issues and challenges. And that begins with tackling the great humanitarian situation in Gaza and starting to rebuild.'' — Antony Blinken,<BR> Bravo, Blinken! And if you have to break things down to numbers, maybe you can start by responding to the [[W:Office of the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights|Office of the High Commissioner for Human Rights’ (OHCHR)]] appeal by defunding Israel and handing over about 2.5 percent of the monies — $95 million — to them? They need it for “immediate humanitarian and early recovery responses for the coming 3 months, requesting… to address the needs of 1.1 million Palestinians, in the areas of protection, health, water and sanitation, education and food security.” **[https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/06/01/reading-between-blinkens-lines/ Reading Between Blinken’s Li(n)es, by Priti Gulati Cox, ''CounterPunch''], June 1, 2021 *Nearly two decades ago, the Central Intelligence Agency began its sadistic program of torture and abuse, and the Department of Defense created a prison at [[W:Guantanamo Bay detention camp|Guantanamo]] to evade U.S. [[law]]... On July 16, military prosecutors finally asked to erase information obtained through torture and abuse. Several days later, the Biden administration transferred its first detainee out of Gitmo, repatriating a Moroccan man who had been cleared for release five years ago... Secretary of State Antony Blinken audaciously claimed that it is difficult to transfer detainees until the United States receives assurances that the “rights of these people will be protected in that country.” In other words, the senior diplomat of the country that tortured and abused hundreds of captives; violated various Geneva Conventions by kidnapping individuals and turning them over to countries such as Syria and Pakistan that conduct torture and abuse; created secret prisons throughout East Europe and Southeast Asia; and used Guantanamo to circumvent U.S. laws is now concerned about the health and safety of these abused individuals.<BR>Over the years, false statements from government officials have been treated as facts by the mainstream media. Perhaps Blinken is unaware that many U.S. captives who were turned over to third countries were actually released by those countries for lack of sufficient evidence of culpability. **[https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/07/27/the-continuing-horror-of-cias-torture-and-abuse/ The Continuing Horror of CIA’s Torture and Abuse, by Melvin Goodman, ''CounterPunch''], July 27, 2021 *In a patently political decision, the U.K. High Court reversed the British lower court’s denial of extradition of [[WikiLeaks]] founder [[Julian Assange]] to the United States on a narrow ground, despite the recent revelations of a CIA plot to kidnap and assassinate him... Assange was charged by the Trump administration with violation of the Espionage Act for revealing evidence of U.S. [[war crimes]] in Iraq, Afghanistan and Guantánamo Bay.... Two days before the High Court ruling,” U.S. Secretary of State Antony Blinken declared at the so-called Summit for Democracy, “Media freedom plays an indispensable role in informing the public, holding governments accountable, and telling stories that otherwise would not be told. The U.S. will continue to stand up for the brave and necessary work of journalists around the world.”<BR>If [[Julian Assange|Assange]] is tried, convicted and imprisoned for doing what journalists routinely do, it will send a chilling message to journalists that they publish material critical of the U.S. government at their peril.<BR>But by vigorously pursuing Assange’s extradition, the U.S. is doing precisely the opposite. The prosecution of Assange is the first time a journalist has been indicted under the [[W:Espionage Act|Espionage Act]] for publishing truthful information. **[https://truthout.org/articles/british-court-trusts-us-to-protect-assange-even-though-cia-plotted-to-kill-him/ British Court Trusts US to Protect Assange Even Though CIA Plotted to Kill Him], [[Marjorie Cohn]], ''Truthout'' (December 15, 2021) == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Blinken, Antony}} [[Category:United States Secretaries of State]] [[Category:Government officials]] [[Category:Democratic Party (United States) politicians]] [[Category:Diplomats of the United States]] [[Category:Harvard University alumni]] [[Category:American Jews]] [[Category:People from New York (state)]] [[Category:1962 births]] [[Category:Living people]] mtedi2d2hp0sp5atu2o2sxl715wfwbh 0 245285 3157889 3157192 2022-08-25T17:02:44Z 162.197.99.132 /* Eye Can't (7.2) */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[The Loud House/Season 1|1]] [[The Loud House/Season 2|2]] [[The Loud House/Season 3|3]] [[The Loud House/Season 4|4]] [[The Loud House/Season 5|5]] [[The Loud House/Season 6|6]] ([[The Loud House|Main]]) | '''[[The Casagrandes|Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]]) ---- '''''{{w|The Loud House}}''''' (2016–present) is an American [[w:animated television series|animated television series]] created by [[w:Chris Savino|Chris Savino]] for [[w:Nickelodeon|Nickelodeon]]. The series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of an accident-prone boy named Lincoln Loud, who survives as the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children. ==''Episode 1''== ===''Present Danger (1.1)''=== :'''Gus''': Lincoln! Bravo, buddy, but you gotta get off the table. :'''Customer''': You have ruined my wife's garlic knots! :'''Lincoln''': Sorry! ''[gets off the table; to the viewers]'' Well, today's a really big day. It's my 12th birthday! Feels like I've been 11 forever, so this year, I'm doing it in style. David Steele-style. I asked all my friends to come to Gus's dressed as their favorite MALICE villains. You have Golden Toe, Blowfish, Odd Bob, and Patty Whack. So far, it's been great. One moment… Nothing but net. And now that we've finished playing Agents and MALICE, it's time for… :'''Rita''': Presents! :'''Lincoln''': Yes! :'''Liam''': Wahoo! :'''Zach''': Rusty, the invitation said only Lincoln was supposed to dress up as David Steele. :'''Rusty''': Sorry, dude. It's not my fault I look amazing in a tuxedo. Besides, check out the Loud seniors. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lynn Sr.''': Well, thanks for coming, everyone. Today is a special day for a special- ''[notices his dad crying]'' Dad, you know if you cry, I'm gonna- ''[he and Leonard both break down sobbing in each other's arms]'' :'''Rita''': Lincoln, I think what your dad was ''trying'' to say is that 12 is a Loud family landmark. He and Gramps have a special present for you. Your great-grandfather gave it to Gramps when he was 12, and Gramps gave it to ''your'' dad when ''he'' was 12. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': Room for one more? :'''Scoots''': Doesn't look like there's room for one more. Because of your dang party, I'm stuck with these two bozos at the loaner's table. :'''Flip''': Hey, you ain't no picnic yourself there, lady! ''[eats the pizza]'' :'''Chandler''': What do you want there anyway, Lincoln Lame? :'''Lincoln''': ''[takes a seat]'' Someone nabbed one of my birthday presents, and I think one of you is the culprit. ''[takes out a deck of cards]'' The game is Go Fish. If I win, you have to turn out your pockets. :'''Chandler''': And what's in it for us? :'''Lincoln''': If you win, you get to keep all my… ''[close-up on his face] Presents.'' So, are you feeling lucky? :'''Chandler''': You're on! ===''Stressed for the Part (1.2)''=== :'''Luan''': ''[practicing her moos]'' Moo! Moo! ''[falsetto]'' Moooo! :'''Mr. Coconuts''': Nah, toots. That's too Holstein. Go lower into your Jersey range. :'''Luan''': Oh, Mr. Coconuts, I can't wait to tell Mrs. Bernardo I got the part! :'''Mr. Coconuts''': She'll be over the moooon, toots! :'''Luan''': Aww. :''[Suddenly Mrs. Bernardo walks in with her makeup running]'' ==''Episode 2''== ===''Don't Escar-go (2.1)''=== :'''Lincoln''': So, what's the occasion, Clyde? :'''Zach''': Yeah, are you buttering us up for something? :'''Clyde''': Ok, here goes. The reason I created this ''Célébration de'' Friendship Brunch is because, I've got some big news. It all started last night… :''[Flashback to earlier, getting a phone call]'' :'''Howard''': Clyde, can you get that? And please be careful. That phone is older than our 1930's Dust Bowl glasses. :'''Clyde''': ''[picks up the phone and answers]'' Hello? :'''Nana Gayle''': ''[calling on the other end from Sunset Canyon]'' Clyde, it's Nana Gayle. Ooh, I've got big news. My best friend, Fleur DuPont, just came to town for a surprise visit. She happens to be the dean of one of the finest cooking academies in the world. :'''Clyde''': I know that academy! It's nearly impossible to get in. They wouldn't even let the Queen of England in. Granted, I've heard her sponge cake is dry- :'''Nana Gayle''': Clyde, get your buns over here! And bring your baked goods, too! If Fleur tries them, oh, she's sure to let you in. :''[Clyde hangs up happily; back to the present]'' :'''Zach''': So, what happened? :'''Clyde''': She loved everything I made! In fact, Dean DuPont said I just have to pass one last exam tonight. I have to cook her an entire dinner. If I nail it, I'll be into the academy! :'''Stella''': Yeah! :'''Lincoln''': Yeah! :'''Rusty''': Yeah, alright! ''[Clyde starts sniffing]'' Clyde, what's wrong? :'''Clyde''': ''[sniffs]'' There's only one drawback: The school's in… Paris. :'''Lincoln''': ''[despaired]'' NOOOOOOOOO! ''[collapses]'' :'''Liam''': Aww, it's happening again. Clyde's leaving us, just like when Lincoln done went to Canada. :'''Clyde''': Let's not lose our heads here. I'm not 1,000% sure I'm going yet. They might not even pick me. :'''Rusty''': Your food is divine. Of course you'll get in. :'''Clyde''': I'll miss you guys like crazy, but this is an incredible opportunity. Where else could I learn to cook ''sole meunière, concombre a la menthe, escargot--'' :'''Lincoln''': ''[brushes the imagination aside]'' Wait, Clyde. What if you could learn to cook all those things here in Royal Woods? I know someone who can teach you. Then we wouldn't lose you. :'''Rusty''': Ooh, give it a try, Clyde. Please? :'''Stella''': Yeah, we're your crew, table 10 at lunch, the Action News Team! We have to stick together. :'''Clyde''': But who are you thinking could teach me? :'''Lincoln''': I know just the guy. <hr width="50%"> :''[Royal Woods Middle School cafeteria; the gang talks to Chef Pat]'' :'''Stella''': Chef Pat, do you know anything about French cooking? :'''Chef Pat''': Pfft, I know everything. I used to be the head chef on a 60-foot yacht off the French Riviera. Here. ''[takes a buckwheat galette out of her hair net]'' Try a nutty buckwheat galette. :'''Zach''': Nutty. Smooth. So why do you cook sloppy joes all the time? :'''Chef Pat''': 'Cause that's what you kids like. ''[walks into the kitchen]'' :'''Lincoln''': Chet Pat, you ''have'' to teach Clyde all about French cooking, or else he's moving to Paris. ''[slides on his knees; begging]'' Please! :'''Chef Pat''': Hmm. That's a lot to ask, but I'll do it, on one condition. While I'm with Clyde, you guys gotta take care of my niece, Waffles. If she tries to bite you, give her waffles. They calm her down. ===''Double Trouble (2.2)''=== :''[The Loud twin sisters arrive at Auntie Pam's contest for all the twins of Royal Woods]'' :'''Lola''': First rule of any contest: Know your enemy, and you can never lose. Who's gonna be our biggest threat? :'''Lana''': Mr. Grouse and Flip? :'''Lola''': ''[screeches her jeep to a stop]'' Um, what are you two trying to pull? You're not even related! :'''Mr. Grouse''': What? You don't see the resemblance? ''[he and Flip both tug their mustaches]'' :'''Flip''': Ooh, it's in the flavor savers. ''[they both walk away, chuckling]'' :'''Lola''': Ugh. :'''Lana''': And what's Liam doing here? :'''Liam''': ''[to his twin goats]'' Okay, fellers, eye of the tiger. :'''Lola''': His twins aren't even human! :'''Liam''': Huh? They got every right to be here. :'''Scoots''': ''[honks and pulls up]'' Uh, anyone seen my twin sister Mopes? She looks just like me, except for she's on a moped. ''[drives off]'' :'''Lola''': No way Scoots has a twin! The universe would never be so cruel. :'''Mopes''': ''[pulls up]'' Anyone seen my twin sister Scoots? She looks just like me, except for she's on a scooter. ''[drives off]'' :'''Lola''': Okay, Scoots' sister is obviously just her in a wig. This contest is going to be an ice cream cake walk. :'''Lana''': Yeah, we're the only ''real'' twins here. :'''Cheryl''': ''[showing up with Meryl]'' Stop the presses! 'Cause Cheryl… :'''Meryl''': And Meryl… :'''Both''': Have arrived! :'''Cheryl''': Sorry for being tardy, y'all. We may have gotten sucked into an episode of our favorite soap opera, "Southern Hospitality." :'''Auntie Pam''': ''[blowing her whistle]'' Alrighty, who's ready to twin it up? Let's get this competition started! <hr width="50%"> :'''Auntie Pam''': ''[sees Liam's twin goats fighting; blowing her whistle]'' Disqualified! :'''Liam''': Disqualified? For what? :'''Auntie Pam''': ''[pulls out a contract]'' Violation of Auntie Pam's Double Trouble Contract. I can't have my twins fighting. They need to be united. <hr width="50%"> :''[As the Double Trouble contest comes to an end at sunset…]'' :'''Auntie Pam''': Our two final teams are Cheryl and Meryl, and Lola and Lana. And now for the big moment. Our Double Trouble twins and winners of a lifetime supply of ice cream are…lo and behold, Cheryl and Meryl! :''[Cheryl and Meryl gasp and squeal in delight over winning; The Loud twins sigh in disappointment and drive back home]'' :'''Lola''': It's not fair! That crown and ice cream should be ''ours!'' ''[gasps and screeches her jeep to a stop as she and Lana see Liam's twin goats fighting over his shirt]'' :'''Liam''': ''[bursts out of a bush, going after them]'' Hey, wait up, fellers! :'''Lana''': At least we didn't get disqualified for fighting, right? :'''Lola''': ''[gets an idea]'' Fight clause. Lana, maybe there's a way we can ''still'' win! Cheryl and Meryl just need to start bickering, and Auntie Pam will make ''us'' the Double Trouble twins! :'''Lana''': But how do we know they'll fight? :'''Lola''': 'Cause you and I are going to ''make'' them. :''[Next day at elementary school; Lana is walking with Cheryl on their snack break]'' :'''Lana''': Thanks for the snack break, Cheryl. :'''Cheryl''': My pleasure, sugar. :'''Lana''': I've never heard a person talk as much as Cheryl. She said, like, a gazillion sentences, and they all started with "sugar." :'''Lola''': Does that mean you got the scoop on how to split up her and Meryl? :'''Lana''': It won't be easy. Those two are ''tight.'' They eat ice cream together every night. They watch ''all'' the same TV shows, like "Southern Hospitality." They even double-date with their boyfriends. :'''Lola''': ''[thinking]'' Hmm, I can work with all that. <hr width="50%"> :'''Cheryl''': ''[screams as she slips in the melted ice cream and falls on her back; angrily]'' Meryl, did you spill the ice cream?! Now we got a dairy river the size of the Mississippi on our floor! :'''Meryl''': ''[miffed]'' Don't blame me, I didn't do it! :''[They growl angrily at each other]'' :'''Cheryl''': Well, no use cryin' over spilled ice cream. We got plenty more in the backup freezer. :'''Lola''': ''[disappointed]'' Ugh! <hr width="50%"> :'''Meryl''': ''[answers the telephone]'' Yello, Che-Meryl residence. You got Meryl. :'''Lola''': ''[impersonating Cheryl]'' Hey, sugar, it's me, your sister. :'''Meryl''': Hey, sugar. :'''Lola''': I'm in a bit of a pickle here at school. Huggins has a bee in his office. Actually, a ''lot'' of bees. :'''Lana''': ''[hold a jar of bees]'' Come home safe, my babies. ''[takes the jar lid off, releasing the bees]'' :'''Lola''': I'm fixing to be here awhile. You should go ahead and watch the season finale of "Southern Hospitality" without me. :'''Meryl''': What? Well, that don't sound like you at all! You serious about this? :'''Lola''': As serious as a hoedown. :'''Meryl''': Ooh, that is serious. And I am chompin' at the bit to find out this pie thief. Ooh, okay. I'll watch. :''[The Loud twins high five as they hear Cheryl and Principal Huggins running away from the bees]'' :'''Cheryl''': ''[screaming]'' Run, Huggins! They think my beehive is ''their'' beehive! :''[Cheryl and Meryl's apartment, evening; Meryl is watching the season finale, sobbing while blowing her nose]'' :'''Cheryl''': ''[enters the apartment, covered in bee stings]'' Ooh, boy, did I have a dickens of a day. ''[realizes]'' And are you watching the "Southern Hospitality" finale without me? :'''Meryl''': Uh, you called and told me to. :'''Cheryl''': That is a backhoe of lies! I think I would remember something like that! :'''Meryl''': You calling me a fibber?! :'''Cheryl''': If the kitten heel fits! :'''Meryl''': How dare you?! :'''Cheryl''': Hmph! ''[turns around]'' :'''Meryl''': Oh, and BTDubs, Wayland is the pie thief! ''[blows her nose as her sister gasps in horror at the spoilers, and they both go their separate ways]'' :''[The Loud twins smirk at each other while watching]'' :''[Next day at Auntie Pam's parlor; Cheryl and Meryl are still angry with each other during the unveiling of the Double Trouble sundae]'' :'''Auntie Pam''': Welcome all to the debut of our Double Trouble sundae. Exciting, isn't it, Double Trouble twins? ''[takes out the ceremonial scissors]'' Who wants to cut the ribbon? :'''Meryl''': ''[takes the scissors]'' ''I'll'' do it. :'''Cheryl''': I'm surprised you haven't already done it without me, you low-down pie thief spoiler! :'''Meryl''': ''[spitefully cuts her sister's hair with the scissors as the crowd gasps]'' Oops. :'''Auntie Pam''': ''[gasps]'' Ok, ladies, settle down. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lana''': The sign-up line for our Unlimited Double Trouble ice cream party starts here! :'''Lola''': And remember, it's VIPs only. :'''Cheryl''': ''[over P.A.; upset]'' Morning… ''[sobbing]'' Roosters. Today's lunch will be two identical twin fish sticks! Sorry, Principal Huggins, it's just that Meryl is ''gone!'' ''[sobbing hysterically; the Loud twins rush over investigating as Principal Huggins comforts her]'' After our tussle at Auntie Pam's parlor, we was both madder than wet hens, so this morning, Meryl packed up her stuff and left for the bus station! ''[Lola and Lana look even more guilty for what they have both done as she continues sobbing]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Meryl''': What is ''she'' doing here? :'''Lola''': Look, Meryl, if you want to be mad someone, be mad at us. :'''Lana''': Yeah, we wanted ice cream so bad, we tricked you two into fighting. :''[Cheryl and Meryl gasp upon hearing this]'' :'''Lola''': It was stupid, and we feel so terrible. If anyone knows how much twins need each other, it's us. :'''Lana''': Yeah, you can't leave, Meryl. Twins gotta stick together. :'''Meryl''': ''[looks down at her twin, smiles back]'' Well, I guess I could stay. After all, you ''are'' the soft serve to my waffle cone. :'''Cheryl''': ''[squeals and hops into her twin's arms]'' We gotta celebrate our reunion! :''[Auntie Pam's; the two pair of twins are all enjoying their ice cream]'' :'''Lola''': You know, you should throw more twin soirees. :'''Scoots''': ''[drives in]'' I heard about the twin party. Guess our invite got lost in the mail. :'''Lola''': Spare us, Scoots. We know your "sister," Mopes, isn't real. :'''Mopes''': ''[showing up in the flesh]'' What are you lookie-loos staring at? :'''Scoots''': You never seen twins before? ==''Episode 3''== ===''Flip This Flip (3.1)''=== :'''Lincoln''': Um, what's going on? :''[Nacho chitters while pointing at the label of Gobblesworth Farm, swooning over it, and makes smooching noises]'' :'''Lana''': OK, from what I understand- my raccoon's a little rusty- the lady on the framed turkey label is Flip's old middle school crush, um… Tommy Hogglesfort? :'''Flip''': Tammy Gobblesworth! ''[sighs]'' My one true love. I always thought she and I would eat food off of other people's plates together forever. ''[flashback to the middle school Christmas dance]'' But then I got locked out of the school dance and missed my one shot to impress her! ''[collapses after the flashback fades back to the present]'' :''[Nacho chitters more while pointing at the label and pantomime acts like a chicken]'' :'''Lana''': ''[translating]'' Ever since Flip found the label, he's been attempting to call and ask her to dinner, but he keeps chickening out. :'''Flip''': ''[popping up]'' Hey, chickening out is a bit harsh. :'''Lincoln''': Flip, you can totally do this. There's nothing to be afraid of. :'''Lana''': Yeah. You're Flip Phillipini. You're a legend! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': Welcome to Flip This Flip, where we take people that are complete disasters and make them shiny and new. Let's meet our panel of experts. :'''Lana''': Lana: Hygiene. :'''Leni''': Leni: Fashion. :'''Lola''': Lola: Etiquette. :'''Lisa''': Lisa: Interesting Conversation. :'''Lincoln''': Lincoln: Transportation. What? You guys took all the good categories. <hr width="50%"> :'''Flip''': You did your best, Loudsters. I blew it with Tammy. :'''Lana''': ''[gasps]'' Blew it. Yes! ''[inhales and blows the French horn, sending Flip flying in the air with his outfit coming off, and slides on the floor in front of Tammy]'' :'''Tammy''': Oh, Phillip, are you okay? And where are your pants? :'''Flip''': I gotta level with you, Tammy. Uh, I'm not a fancy tuxedo-wearing guy who oozes sophistication. The only thing I ooze is nacho cheese. Seriously, my sweat's orange. I was only trying to impress you 'cause you're so classy and glamorous. I'm not classy, I'm just gassy. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers while peddling]'' Next time, I'm hiring a limo. ===''Haunted House Call (3.2)''=== :'''Lucy''': Okay, salespeople, normies love cheerfulness. Let's see those smiles. ''[The other Morticians make weird creepy smiles on their faces]'' Forget the smiles. ''[rings the doorbell as Mr. Grouse answers the door]'' Gloomy morning, Mr. Grouse. Would you be interested in buying some homemade eyeball pops? :'''Persephone''': We're raising money to attend Casket Con this weekend. :'''Morpheus''': They'll be unveiling the new Model C casket from Caskets R Us. It hovers, thereby totally removing the need for polders. :'''Boris''': We're running a special. Four eyeball pops for the price of three. :'''Mr. Grouse''': Not now, creepy Loud and you creepy friends. I've got my own problem. I can't catch my couch to take a nap! :''[Inside the house, his furniture is floating]'' :'''Dante''': Oh, yeah. That's a ghost problem. :'''Mr. Grouse''': What was your first clue? When my loveseat walked itself into the kitchen? <hr width="50%"> :'''Lucy''': Good morrow. Are you haunted by a specter? :'''Morticians''': ♪ If a ghost is haunting you / And you have no clue what to do ♪ :'''Dante''': ''[dressed in a bedsheet while hanging]'' ♪ Don't just stand and scream ♪ ''[bumps into the camera]'' :'''Morticians''': ♪ Call the number on your screen ♪ :'''Lucy''': And now, we wait for customers. <hr width="50%"> :'''Rodney''': It's destroying my clothing and spilling my most expensive cologne: Night Sweat! You have to help me! :'''Lucy''': Ghost, reveal yourself. ''[A ghost dude, wearing a tuxedo T-shirt reveals himself]'' Spirit, what is your unfinished business here? :'''Dude Ghost''': I was supposed to be buried in a real tux, but this joker put me in a tuxedo T-shirt! I want a refund! :'''Rodney''': No refunds! Besides, your order form just said tuxedo, so I went with our casual package. :'''Dude Ghost''': I can't cross over in this! I'll be laughed out of the afterlife! :'''Rodney''': Hmph! :'''Haiku''': What about an exchange? :''[Later, Rodney has dressed the ghost dude in a genuine tuxedo]'' :'''Dude Ghost''': Now this is what I'm talking about. :'''Rodney''': And here's your complementary bottle of Night Sweat! :'''Dude Ghost''': ''[flinches in disgust]'' Yeah, I'm good. <hr width="50%"> :'''Liam''': ''[as donkey Dolly's ghostly spirit reveals herself; gasps]'' It's Mee-Maw's prized donkey, Dolly. :'''Persephone''': Do you know why Dolly is haunting you? :'''Liam''': I do. I once broke our fence mud-wrestling with Virginia. And then, blamed it on Dolly. ''[Dolly brays angrily]'' I know. Ain't a moment I'm too proud of. Dolly, I'm gonna make this right. ''[walks into his house; off-screen]'' Brace yourself, Mee-Maw. You're about to be madder than a wet peacock. <hr width="50%"> :''[Cheryl and Meryl's apartment; The TV is changing the channel back and forth from "Southern Hospitality" to "Hipster Island"]'' :'''Cheryl''': Somethin' keeps changing our channel. And we're missing the season finale of "Southern Hospitality!" :'''Lucy''': This is ''definitely'' the work of a ghost. Spirit, show yourself. :''[The ghostly spirit of a hipster appears, sitting next to the twins as they gasp]'' :'''Hipster Ghost''': This used to be my pad, brahs. And I need to find out who rid "Hipster Island." :'''Cheryl''': I use bra pads, too. But we gotta see if Sue Ellen chooses Brad or his evil twin, Chad. :'''Lucy''': You could ''always'' record "Southern Hospitality", and watch it later. :'''Cheryl''': Well, we'll have to delete some of our crime shows, but, it's a deal. Make yourself comfy, I'll be right back with three bowls of ice cream. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lucy''': Nice doing business with you. Let's get you back to the portal and-- :'''Buzz''': Change of plans: Turns out, haunting people is the bee's knees. :'''Persephone''': But what about the afterlife? :'''Buzz''': Overrating. Later! ''[flies away]'' :'''Persephone''': Buzz is going to terrorize all of Royal Woods if we don't stop him. :'''Haiku''': But Casket Con's only open for another hour. We're going to miss the unveiling of the Model C. :'''Lucy''': Sigh. We created this mess, so we need to clean it up. ==''Save Royal Woods! (Episode 4)''== :'''Lincoln''': ''[speaks to the crowd in the microphone, through Todd's megaphones]'' Hey, everyone. If I could have your attention. ''[the crowd catches their attention]'' Maybe Royal Woods ''is'' forgettable, but it doesn't have to stay that way. We could have something like those other towns, something to put us on the map. :'''Clyde''': Then Joyce wouldn't flood our town. Lincoln, that's brilliant! But what could we create that would make Royal Woods seem memorable? :'''Lincoln''': I bet if we put our heads together, we can come up with something amazing. So who's ready to save our town? :''[The crowd cheers in agreement; Next day, Mayor Davis gives Lincoln a button reading '''"Honorary Jr. Mayor"''']'' :'''Lincoln''': Whoa. "Honorary Jr. Mayor?" Thanks, Mayor Davis. :'''Mayor Davis''': It's the least I can do since you're helping to save the town. :'''Lincoln''': So do I get to play your keyboard? :'''Mayor Davis''': ''[plays buzzing sound on her keyboard, sternly]'' Don't push it, kid. ''[cheerfully]'' OK, time to hear ideas to save Royal Woods. <hr width=50%> :'''Lincoln''': Undersecretary Crandall, thanks for coming. :'''Joyce''': I hope this is good. I had to leave a meeting to pick the fish to stock Lake Gladys with. Spoiler alert: We are definitely leaning toward carp. :'''Mayor Davis''': Actually, we think you might just change your mind about flooding your town. :'''Joyce''': I'm sorry, but like I told you before, there is nothing that can cha-- ''[notices the giant Flippee; shocked]'' That's-that's… :'''Albert''': The world's largest Flippee! HA! What do you think about them apples, huh? To be clear, it's not apple. It's actually sparkle berry cherry. :'''Joyce''': Well, it is as big as the frying pan and less dangerous than the piranhas. Ugh, I guess there's no way we can put a lake here now. The flooding is off. :''[All the citizens cheers when the giant Flippee suddenly starts shaking]'' :'''Citizens''': What's happening?! :'''Lincoln''': Flip, what's going on?! :'''Flip''': ''[sheepishly nervous]'' Uh, hey, Flippee syrup ain't cheap. I figured no one would drink it. :'''Lola''': ''[seizes Flip by the collar, angrily]'' What did you do, old man?! :'''Flip''': I may have swapped the syrup with some expired gasoline that wasn't selling. Is that really so bad? :'''Lisa''': Short answer, yes. The gasoline is adversely reacting with my hyper-freeze additive, causing an accelerated release of energy, resulting in expanded volume. :'''Todd''': '''In layman's terms, it's gonna blow.''' :''[The giant Flippee explodes and covers everyone]'' :'''Joyce''': ''[fuming with rage]'' I will be back tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. with the demolition team! Royal Woods is history. ''[the giant Flippee tips over off the gas station, and destroys her car]'' YOU CRUSHED MY CAR! ''[screams as she notices something else]'' Donna! ''[angrily to the citizens]'' Make that 9:00 a.m.! ''GOODBYE, ROYAL WOODS!'' ''[storms off with fury]'' :''[End of Act 1; Beginning Act 2]'' :'''Flip''': ''[breaks down, sobbing]'' I'm sorry, everyone. The world's largest Flippee flopped! ''[Nacho chitters accusatively at him]'' Of course I regret using expired gas, Nacho! How can you ask me that?! :'''Lincoln''': Wait! Everyone! I have a new idea that might save our town! Where's Todd? :'''Todd''': '''I believe you, Lincoln.''' ''[starts chanting]'' '''Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln, Linc-''' ''[realizes everyone staring in confusion]'' '''Oh. We're not doing that?''' ''[deploys his PA system]'' :'''Lincoln''': ''[through microphone]'' Undersecretary Crandall said Royal Woods is history. :'''Flip''': Why would you remind us of that?! :'''Lincoln''': What if Royal Woods did have some kind of important history? Then she couldn't flood us. :'''Lisa''': Elder brother, might I remind you that Royal Woods has no interesting history? We were named after an oak tree. ''[points to an old oak tree commemorated with a plaque as a branch falls off]'' That one. :'''Lincoln''': I know, but Undersecretary Crandall doesn't. Royal Woods has the word "royal" in it. Maybe there's something there. I know we'd be making up a big lie, but it's the only way to save our town. <hr width=50%> :'''Joyce''': ''[notices something off]'' Huh? What's this? :'''Lincoln''': No, actually, we need that back. It's on loan from the, uh, Royal Woods Museum. :'''Joyce''': Not so fast, kid. Hmm… ''[reading on the crown]'' '''"Lola Loud, Little Miss Crowning Achievement?"''' ''[gasps]'' You all made this whole thing up! King George never came through here! :'''Lola''': ''[chuckles sheepishly as she takes her crown back]'' I'll take that. :'''Joyce''': ''[groans angrily; on walkie-talkie]'' Bring that wrecking ball! We've got a sixth Great Lake to make. :'''Luan''': I guess it's time to say goodbye to Royal Woods. <hr width=50%> :'''Joyce''': ''[hopping out of the roller]'' That was a beautiful song, but I'm still going to bust this dam and flood you. :'''Lincoln''': What?! :'''Demolition Worker #1''': Well, we're not! That kid with the white hair is right! This town ''is'' special, and so is my town! :'''Demolition Worker #2''': And so is mine. No town deserves to be flooded by you. Get your promotion some other way, Crandall. We don't want a sixth lake. :'''Joyce''': ''[groans in annoyance]'' You bunch of babies! Ugh! ''[heads back into the roller]'' Come on, Donna, we'll do it ourselves. :'''Lola''': I don't know. Might not be the best look to flood a precious small town on live television. :'''Katherine''': This is Katherine Mulligan, covering the destruction of my town in HD- :'''Joyce''': ''[yanks Katherine away from the camera; chuckles nervously]'' I mean, I would never flood this beautiful town. ''[waves]'' Hi, Mom, happy birthday! :'''Todd''': ''[offering her a phone]'' '''Call for you.''' :'''Oversecretary''': ''[on phone]'' ''Joyce, this is the Oversecretary. I saw everything. Bulldozing a perfectly good town on live TV? '''YOU'RE FIRED!''' :''[Joyce screams in despair after being fired from her job]'' :'''Todd''': ''[pats Joyce on the back, comforting her]'' '''There, there.''' :'''Joyce''': Don't touch me. :'''Lincoln''': We did it! Royal Woods is saved! :''[Everyone cheers]'' :'''Lynn''': You did it, Stinkin'! :'''Leni''': OMGosh, Lincoln, you're a hero. :'''Mr. Grouse''': Yeah, thanks, Loud. Way to go. :'''Lincoln''': I'm just glad we can all stay. 'Cause… :'''Citizens''': ''[singing again]'' ♪ We're right, we're right, we're right where we belong (Ba-ba-da-) ♪ :'''Joyce''': ''[angrily interrupting]'' PUT A CORK IN IT! ''[groans]'' WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE AND YOUR IMPROMPTU SINGING?! ''[growling as she leaves]'' :'''Citizens''': ''[finishing up]'' ♪ We're right where we belong! ♪ ==''Episode 5''== ===''The Taunting Hour (5.1)''=== :''[Evening at the Loud House; The criticized Louds burst through the front door, and begin berating Lincoln]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, he is in for it! :'''Lola''': There he is! :''[Lincoln screams as the couch tips over and himself]'' :'''Luna''': Why'd you have to tell us about our haters, dude?! :'''Lisa''': Now we're ''all'' freezing up! :'''Lincoln''': Look, I'm sorry I told you guys about your critics. I was just only trying to help Lynn. :'''Lynn''': ''[irately punches a hole in the door]'' STINKOLN! :'''Lincoln''': ''[nervously]'' I hope that's a happy "Stinkoln". :'''Lynn''': Your dumb "cure" ''DIDN'T'' cure me! Scoots heckled me some more and now I've got emu legs again! Wasn't even at a game. It was at the mall food court! :'''Lincoln''': Lynn, why are you paying attention to Scoots? Why are ''any'' of you paying attention to those people? It doesn't matter what they say. :'''Mr. Coconuts''': It's easy for you to say! You don't have to deal with it! :'''Lola''': You just go around ruining lives! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lynn''': Dude, that Chandler's a real jerk. :'''Lincoln''': Yeah, he is. ''[jumps off the sofa]'' But he doesn't bother me, and that's the whole point. I mean, at first he really got to me, but the more I ignored him, the easier it got. Plus, why should I care what he has to say? I'm doing what I love, and that's all that matters. :'''Rita''': And if you can handle Chandler, I think we can handle our critics. Right, everyone? :'''Luna''': Totally. :'''Lynn Sr.''': Yeah, I guess so. :'''Mr. Grouse''': Hey, Loud! :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[puts his fingers in his ears]'' Ah, I can't hear you, Grouse! :'''Mr. Grouse''': I was just going to tell you- :'''Lynn Sr.''': I'm blocking out the haters! ''[starts singing]'' ♪ La la la la- ♪ :'''Mr. Grouse''': You forgot to put on the parking brake again. :''[Lynn Sr.'s eyes widen in horror; Outside, Vanzilla starts rolling backwards]'' :'''Kids''': Dad, Vanzilla! :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[chases after his van and screams]'' BABY, PLEASE COME BACK! I'M SO SORRY!!! ===''Musical Chairs (5.2)''=== :''[Lincoln feels dejected after getting to change to another seat in Mr. Bolhofner's class at lunchtime]'' :'''Clyde''': What's wrong, Lincoln? You've barely touched the cheesecake bites I made you. Is the cheese-to-cake ratio not to your liking? :'''Lincoln''': No, Clyde. The ratio is perfect, per usual. It's just, I don't know what to do. Bolhofner won't change my seat. :'''Rusty''': Three words, bro: "Butter him up." :'''Liam''': Oh, he ain't wrong. ''[grabs a stick of butter]'' One time Virginia, she got her head stuck in a fence and we used a whole mess of margarine to get her out. The key is to rub it around the jowls like so. ''[rubs the butter on his cheeks]'' :'''Clyde''': ''[disgusted]'' Ugh. :'''Rusty''': I meant he's gotta charm the man. :'''Liam''': ''[chuckles]'' I knew that. Just testing y'all. ''[eats the butter]'' :'''Rusty''': A while back, I wanted to go skydiving with my cousin, Derek, but my dad wouldn't let me, so I spent the whole week doing nice things for him. And bam, check it! ''[plays a video of him skydiving with his cousin while screaming]'' :'''Lincoln''': Hmm. Maybe I should try buttering up the Hof. <hr width=50%> :''[The next day at Mr. Bolhofner's trailer; Mr. Bolhofner is grading papers]'' :'''Mr. Bolhofner''': Nope. :'''Lincoln''': ''[enters]'' So, Mr. B, how was the band practice? That I set up, which I was glad to do, by the way? :'''Mr. Bolhofner''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, right. Ugh. :'''Lincoln''': ''[sighs]'' I guess I'll take my seat, then. :''[Chandler has set up a bucket of hot sauce above Lincoln's seat, laughing evilly]'' :'''Mr. Bolhofner''': That's not your seat, Loud! You sit ''there'' now. :''[He points to Lincoln's new seat, which has a bright light upon it]'' :'''Lincoln''': ''[smugly]'' Bye-bye, Chandler. ''[leaves to his new seat]'' :''[Chandler growls as he dumps the hot sauce on the seat, destroying it in the process]'' :'''Lincoln''': ''[relaxes in his new seat, and is elated to find it can recline at the push of a button]'' Whoa. :'''Student''': Chocolate? ''[offers a box of chocolates]'' I always have extras. :'''Lincoln''': Wow, thank you! ''[takes them]'' :'''Student''': Oh, and if you ever get tense, I keep a massager under my desk! Feel free to use it! :'''Lincoln''': Really? I wouldn't want to impose- ''[the student puts the massager on his neck]'' Oh, yeah. ''[the bell rings; the student reaches for the massager]'' Leave it. ==''Episode 6''== ===''A Bug's Strife (6.1)''=== :''[The Louds are walking out of the house and into Vanzilla]'' :'''Rita''': Oh! Double check, make sure I have my key. Mm. ''[her husband comes out, looking quite sick]'' Honey, you shouldn't be out here. Go back inside and get to bed. :'''Lynn Sr.''': I just wanted to see you guys off. I'll miss you while you're at Aunt Ruth's today. It's a ding-dang shame I'm going to miss the slideshow of her bus tour of "the Malls of the Midwest." ''[sneezes]'' :'''Rita''': Aw. Gesundheit. It's okay. Aunt Ruth will totally understand. :'''Lola''': ''[walking out of the house; annoyed]'' It's not fair. Why does Daddy get to stay home? ''[Lynn Sr. sneezes again; disgusted]'' Ugh, question answered. :'''Rita''': Get lots of rest. We'll see you tonight. ''[walks into Vanzilla and starts backing up]'' :'''Leni''': Bye, Dad! :'''Lynn''': Feel better, Pops. <hr width="50%"> :''[Aunt Ruth's house; In the living room, she is showing the Louds her Malls of the Midwest slideshow; Leni is the only one interested in watching]'' :'''Aunt Ruth''': And here's a bathroom stall from a mall in Indianapolis. This one had auto-flushing like the ones at a fancy steakhouse. :'''Lynn''': ''[bored out of her mind]'' Dad's so lucky to be home sleeping. Ugh. :'''Aunt Ruth''': Shh! Lynn, you're gonna miss the massage chairs at the mall at Walnut Grove! <hr width="50%"> :''[Lynn Sr. rushes over to Mr. Grouse's house and knocks on the door]'' :'''Mr. Grouse''': No one's home! Go away! :'''Lynn Sr.''': Mr. Grouse, I need your help! :'''Mr. Grouse''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, lookie, it's a Loud. Shocker. What do you want, and how fast can I get rid of you? :'''Lynn Sr.''': Remember the spare key I gave you for emergencies? Well, this is an emergency. :'''Mr. Grouse''': Oh, yeah, sure. I keep it in a bowl right here. ''[shows a bowl that's filled with countless keys]'' Yeah, this might take a minute. <hr width="50%"> :'''Rita''': Oh, honey, you must've been so delirious you trashed the house! I had no idea you were ''this'' sick. You need to get to bed immediately. ''[the porch suddenly collapses, sending both her and her husband to the ground]'' But not here. Kids, come on. We have to go. :'''Lynn Sr.''': Ah! Move to Canada. Smart. Chirpy won't find us there. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Rita''': No. We'll stay with Aunt Ruth until the house is repaired. She'll be happy to help nurse you back to health. I should warn you, though, she'll ''want'' to show you her Malls of the Midwest slideshow. ===''All the Rage (6.2)''=== :'''Zach''': You mad 'cause your favorite contestant cheated? :'''Clyde''': Zamir didn't cheat! He would ''never'' cheat! :'''Lincoln''': Maybe you can root for a different contestant. What about Maneet? :'''Clyde''': Maneet's cream puffs… ''[his eyes glow red, muscles bulge, and clenches his fist in fury]'' '''''ARE DRY!''''' ''[begins throwing dodgeballs in rage]'' :'''Stella''': Guys, I think we just won. ==''Episode 7''== ===''Scoop Snoop (7.1)''=== :''[Royal Woods Middle School; Liam is recording the footage of Stella reporting of an owner with their pet]'' :'''Stella''': This is Stella Zhau reporting. ''[suspiciously]'' Someone's been letting their pet go potty here on the school field and not cleaning it up. Well, the Action News Team are here to reveal the "poop-etrator." ''[gasps and looks ahead to see a "dog" with their owner both wearing identical disguises]'' Here they come now! Kangaroos, time to bust some scum! :''[As Liam and Stella run over to the owner and their "dog", they are outsped by Katherine Mulligan and her cameraman]'' :'''Liam''': What?! :'''Katherine''': This is a Katherine Mulligan news exclusive. I'm unmasking the serial pet pooper. ''[takes the hat off the owner, revealing to be Vic]'' The owner is Vic. And the pet pooper is Gilly! :'''Liam''': ''[confused]'' Jumpin' jackalopes. How in the world did she steal ''our'' story? :''[Sunset Canyon Retirement Home; Zach is recording the footage of Rusty with an "old lady" at a table writing on a piece of paper in the background behind him]'' :'''Rusty''': The Action News Team has received a tip that somebody famous is hiding out here disguised as an old lady. Prepare to have your minds blown. :'''Katherine''': ''[pops out from under the table]'' I'm Katherine Mulligan exposing this "little old lady" as… ''[pulls the wig/mask off, revealing…]'' Mick Swagger in disguise. He's holed up here as he writes songs for his new album, "Mick or Treat." :'''Zach''': ''[annoyed in anger]'' Hey, that was ''our'' scoop! :'''Scoots''': ''[wheeling over and points to him]'' Nobody punks ''us,'' Brit boy! PUDDING HIM! :''[The Action News Team are peddling their bikes to Gus' Games and Grub]'' :'''Lincoln''': This is the story of the century. :'''Stella''': It's cool of Gus to tip us off he's discontinuing spaghetti pizza. :'''Clyde''': ''[sobbing]'' It's a dark day for the culinary world. ''[he and Lincoln bump into the back of Katherine's '''NEWS 3''' van and fall off]'' :'''Action News Team''': ''[gasp]'' Oh, no! :'''Katherine''': This is the ''last'' bite of the last slice of the last spaghetti pizza Gus will ''ever'' serve. ''[eats the last bite-sized piece]'' I'm Katherine Mulligan reporting that you'll never know just how delicious that was. :'''Stella''': ''[annoyed]'' I don't get it! How does Katherine Mulligan keep scooping us?! :'''Rusty''': Someone has to be leaking to her. My cousin Derek's studying to be a plumber. He says; "You have to find a leak and plug it, or it gets worse." :'''Lincoln''': Rusty's right. If we don't do something, this could be the end of The Action News Team. :'''Clyde''': Wait. Can we a moment of silence for… ''[sniffles sadly]'' spaghetti pizza? <hr width="50%"> :'''Clyde''': We're never gonna find the leak at this rate. There are too many people at school to investigate. :'''Rusty''': ''[eating a bowl of grapes]'' We shouldn't be following the rat, we should wait at the nest. :'''Liam''': Then what in the manure pile does that even mean? :'''Rusty''': Katherine ''is'' the nest, dawgs! If we follow her, the "leaker", or "rat", is gonna come to her. :'''Lincoln''': Then we'll have our culprit! Rusty, that's a brilliant idea! Looks like it's time for an Action News Team undercover investigation! :''[The Action News Team poses; Next morning, Lincoln, Clyde, and Stella are outside in front of Katherine's house, suspiciously watching her from the bushes as she eats a Danish that popped out from the toaster]'' :'''Lincoln''': 8:02. Katherine takes a bite of Danish. :'''Stella''': Roger that. :'''Rusty''': ''[popping out]'' 'Sup, dudes? :'''Stella''': Rusty, you're late! ''[sniffs with disgust]'' Ugh, what's that awful smell? :'''Rusty''': I was helping my dad pick a cologne to wow his gal pal. He lands it on Undersea Daydream. :''[Lincoln, Clyde and Stella gag over the scent and gasp as Katherine exits her house and hide behind the bushes; Katherine gets into her car and drives off - humming a tune]'' :'''Lincoln''': Suspect's on the move. Let's go. <hr width="50%"> :''[Katherine and her cameraman are eating lunch at the Burpin' Burger; Liam and Rusty hide in the trash can as Liam pops his hand out out of the lid with his phone, recording the footage]'' :'''Liam''': Rusty, ya got your knee square in my gizzard. :'''Rusty''': Then stop moving around, dawg! :'''Liam''': Shh. :'''Rusty''': ''[as Katherine and her cameraman empty their trays into the trash can]'' Augh! Horseradish in the eye! Ugh. :'''Katherine''': Katherine Mulligan wants to know, did this garbage can just talk? ''[shrugs and walks off out of sight as soon as Rusty and Liam tip over, exhausted]'' :''[Royal Woods Bowling Alley; Katherine and Patchy Drizzle are bowling against each other as Patchy knocks down the 10 pins]'' :'''Patchy''': Yahoo! Today's forecast: a 100% chance of winning for Patchy Drizzle! :'''Katherine''': I'm getting some developing news. It ain't over till the last frame. ''[interrupted by Lincoln and Clyde, disguised as their grandmothers as she's about to bowl]'' :'''Lincoln''': ''[imitating Myrtle]'' Don't mind us, sweetie. We're just a couple of senior ladies bowling. :''[Zach, in his bush disguise, takes out his phone to record the footage, but wobbles and collides with them, rolling them across the alley and knocking down the 10 pins]'' :'''Katherine''': Katherine Mulligan wants to know, did that bush just bowl a strike? <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': Okay, so Stella made a notebook of some "hot news leads", but they're all fake. We "accidentally" dropped it here by Principal Ramirez's car. As the "rat," she "finds it" and takes it to "the nest." Any questions? :'''Clyde''': Can you go over that one more time? I got lost in all the air quotes. :'''Lincoln''': I'll explain as we hide. <hr width="50%"> :''[A week later, back at Tall Timbers Park, Principal Ramirez meets up with Katherine again]'' :'''Katherine''': Oh. Principal Ramirez. Glad you could make it. :''[The Action News Team peep from a bush]'' :'''Lincoln''': Gotcha. Principal Ramirez! ''[running towards the two women along with the rest of his team]'' Action News Team! :'''Katherine''': Excuse me. :'''Lincoln''': Principal Ramirez, how much has Katherine Mulligan been paying you to steal our news stories? :'''Principal Ramirez''': I don't know what you're talking about. :'''Clyde''': ''[holds up his mic in front of her, making her trip into the lake]'' ''We're'' asking the questions here! :'''Rusty''': The jig is up, Katherine "Shady Shader" Mulligan! The book Principal Ramirez was going to give you is a bunch of phony news leads ''we'' planted. Bam! ''[looks closely at the title on the book cover]'' "Passion under the Pompeii Moon?" Uh-oh. :'''Principal Ramirez''': ''[angrily snatches the book from Rusty]'' You bet you're "uh-oh." Ms. Mulligan and I are in a book club together. Now someone get me out of here. :'''Katherine''': That's the story. We've been meeting to swap novels we're reading. :'''Stella''': So you weren't leaking our stories? :'''Principal Ramirez''': ''[brushing the lake water off her skirt]'' Of course not! Is this what you spend your time on, making false accusations?! I have half a mind to shut down the Action News Team. :'''Stella''': Please, don't. :'''Rusty''': No, dawg! :'''Lincoln''': We're sorry. :'''Liam''': Give us another chance. :'''Katherine''': I'm Katherine Mulligan and…I agree with these children. Sure they got the story wrong, but they got real drive. It reminds me of me when I was thriving out. I say they deserve a second chance. :'''Principal Ramirez''': ''[over her mind; annoyed]'' Fine. ''[gets out of the lake as the Action News Team high five in celebration]'' But no more wild goose chases, or knocking principals in lakes. :'''Zach''': Promise. :'''Lincoln''': We swear. :'''Rusty''': It was Zach. ===''Eye Can't (7.2)''=== :'''Lisa''': ''[entering the kitchen]'' Good morn… ''[bumps into Charles]'' When did we put the trash can here? :'''Rita''': Honey, that's Charles. :'''Lisa''': Ah, yes, of course. Hmm. Ah! ''Here's'' the orange juice I was looking for. ''[mistakes the flower vase and takes it off the table]'' :'''Rita''': Have you noticed Lisa's been acting a little off this week? :''[Flashback to Lisa bumping into the end table, and another of her bumping into the stair railing]'' :'''Lisa''': Pardon me, father. ''[flash to her petting a skunk, mistaking it for Cliff]'' Good boy, Cliff. Good boy. :'''Leni''': ''[frightened]'' Uh, Lisa? That's ''not'' Cliff. :''[Flashback ends as the skunk sprays on the siblings, screaming off-screen]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': Yeah. She needs new glasses. :'''Lisa''': ''[returns to the kitchen]'' Ah, silly me, I mistook a vase of flowers for orange juice. Ah! ''Here's'' the actual orange juice. :'''Lynn Sr.''': That's hot coffee! Sweetie, look, Mom and I think it's time for you to go to the eye doctor. :'''Lisa''': What? Poppycock! Now if you'll excuse me, I shall be in the living room. <hr width="50%"> :'''Todd''': ''[removing the cactus thorns]'' '''What is the problem? It's just the eye doctor.''' :'''Lisa''': The problem, Todd, is that I have an irrational phobia of the ophthalmologist. :'''Todd''': '''But that does not compute. You are a genius.''' :'''Lisa''': I said it was irrational, Todd. And I've tried to train myself to move-past it, but, I can't! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lisa''': ''[falls down the stairs and lands flat on her face in front of her parents]'' Problem solved, parents. I've forged myself a new pair of glasses, and all is well. ''[opens her eyes - still abnormal through her glasses]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': Counterpoint, you ''did'' kinda just fall down the stairs. :'''Lisa''': Eh. You say tomato, I say mildly near-sighted. :'''Rita''': And I say tomorrow morning ''you'' are going to the eye doctor, and, maybe the pediatrician too to see if you have any damage from that fall. :'''Lisa''': Fine. ==''Episode 8''== ===''Dine and Bash (8.1)''=== :''[Vanzilla pulls up at Lynn's table and the siblings get out and walk in]'' :'''Todd''': '''Have a good afternoon, sweeties. Don't forget to do your homework. I'll be checking.''' ''[drives away]'' :'''Lisa''': Note to self: Dial back Todd's maternal mode. :''[As the Loud siblings enter, they're overwhelmed to see the place crowded in a rush]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, good, you're here! Before you jump into homework, I need your help with the afternoon rush. :'''Lincoln''': No problem. Guys, fan out. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, you kids are a big help, especially with Mom off visiting Lori for Mother-Daughter Golf Day. ''[the phone rings and answers it]'' Lynn's Table. Come in if you're able. You've got Lynn. :'''Kotaro''': Lynn, I have some exciting news. The Doo-Dads just booked a big gig tonight at Sunset Canyon! :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[gasps in excitement]'' No we "Dadn't!" :'''Kotaro''': Yes we "Dad!" It's Bernie's third wedding! He's marrying his lady friend from Boca. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[realizes in disappointment]'' Ohh! Ding, dang, darnit! I have to work the dinner shift. I gave Grant the night off to play "Orcs, Horks, Wizards, and Pork" with his friends. :'''Grant''': ''[enters the kitchen wearing a wizard costume]'' Many thanks, Spirit Wizard Loud! May your harvest be fruitful this moon! ''[leaves]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': You guys should just do the gig without this Doo-Dad. :'''Kotaro''': But a band with just one cowbell is no band at all. :'''Lincoln''': Hey, Dad, what if ''we'' took over the restaurant tonight? :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[touched]'' Aw, that's sweet of you guys, but a night alone's a big responsibility. :'''Lola''': ''[chuckles]'' We know this place like the back of our flawless hands. Ew! Time for a mani. ===''Sofa, So Good (8.2)''=== :'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, kids! We have a surprise! :''[The siblings rush into the living room]'' :'''Lola''': You were saying about a surprise for me? :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[facing the opposite direction]'' Your mother and I have been talking… ''[Rita turns him back the right way]'' Oh, hey everybody. And since it's been seven days since we had any house or life-threatening disasters… :'''Rita''': We thought you all deserve a big surprise. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[leaves]'' Just keep that streak going a little bit longer. :'''Rita''': And we'll be back with the surprise by 4:00! ''[leaves and closes the door]'' :'''Lincoln''': I bet it's an indoor pool. :'''Lucy''': I bet it's a family burial plot. :'''Lana''': I bet it's a Clydesdale. :'''Lynn''': I bet it's tickets to Jelly Wrestlefest 1 15! :'''Lincoln''': No. No. ''[Lynn does a wrestling jump and landed on him as he groans]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[clears throat]'' You can call me the proverbial wet blanket, stick in the mud, resident sourpuss but, based on statistical averages, there's a 98.3% probability that we're going to mess up before the day is out. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': ''[looks up to Luan, stuck whilst sitting on the ceiling]'' Uh, Luan, what's going on up there? :'''Luan''': Looks like we've got a ''"sit-uation."'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': We did it! All we gotta do now is bring the furniture back in. ''[outside, they notice the furniture is missing]'' Uh, guys, where's the furniture? ==''Episode 9''== ===''The Last Laugh (9.1)''=== ===''Driver's Dread (9.2)''=== :'''Leni''': OMGosh, Lori, I'm so excited to see you this weekend! :'''Lori''': Samesies! It'll be like old times. Spending the whole day shopping at the Outlet Mall. Did you know everything is 50% off? :'''Leni''': So if we go twice, it'll be 100% off! :'''Lori''': ''[confused]'' Huh? :'''Leni''': BTDubs, Tanya's coming along. She's desperate for a new look. ''[to Tanya]'' Don't stress out, Tanya. I'll find someone to drive us there. :'''Lori''': You know, Leni, maybe it's time you tried to get your license again. :'''Leni''': I thought about it, then it scared me, so I stopped thinking about it. Remember the last time? ''[flashback to the events of '''"Driving Miss Hazy"''' where she crashed Vanzilla into a pool]'' Is this the carpool lane? ''[back to present]'' There is no way I'm going through that again. The only thing that scares me more than driving is shoulder pads and perms. ''[shudders]'' But don't worry! I'll find a way to get there. <hr width=50%> :''[Rita is in the kitchen writing an article while getting highly caffeinated]'' :'''Rita''': Latte, expresso, macchiato, Fortado… Oh! Those rhyme! :'''Leni''': Mom? Could you drive me to the mall this weekend? Dad can't- :'''Rita''': I'm sorry, sweetie, I can't. I have to finish a big article about coffee, coffee, coffee. And now I gotta pee, pee, pee! ''[runs for the bathroom while holding her bladder]'' :'''Leni''': You can't! Lola's taking one of her four-hour baths, and she's only on hour two. :'''Rita''': ''[bolts out the back door]'' MR. GROUSE, I NEED YOUR BATHROOM! ''[peeks out]'' Maybe you can take the bus. ==''Episode 10''== ===''Bummer Camp (10.1)''=== :'''Leonard''': ''[calling in on the TV from Camp Mastodon]'' Hello? Is this thingy on? I just see me. ''[sees his grandkids as he backs up]'' Up, there you are! Ah, hi, my little minnows! :'''Lincoln''': Hey, Gramps. What's up? :'''Leonard''': Well, kiddos, I'm in a bind. I got a new batch of campers coming in a week, and my counselors just bailed on me during training! I'm as stuck as a boat at low tide! Why, without counselors, I'll have to close down Mastodon and return to life at sea. :''[The kids gasp in shock]'' :'''Lincoln''': Wait, what? :'''Leonard''': Ah, breaks my heart. I love this ding-dang camp. All the summers your dad and I spent here together… ''[sighs]'' So, if you know any counselors, just let me know. Gramps, over and out. How do you… where do I- WHOA! ''[drops the camera in the lake, where a fish swims over before the call disconnects]'' :'''Lynn''': Gramps leaving?! Major foul! I don't want him to go! ''[starts venting her rage by kicking the couch]'' :'''Luna''': None of us do, dudette. We just got him back! :'''Lucy''': We have to find some counselors for Gramps. I'll see if any of my undertaker friends are looking to pick up extra cash. :'''Lincoln''': Wait! We can be Gramps's counselors. Then the camp will stay open and he won't go. Who's with me? ''[the sisters cheer]'' Camp Mastodon, here we come! ''[notices they're still watching ''The Dream Boat'']'' Um, guys? :'''Lola''': Yeah, we're gonna need five minutes. We have to see who Brynn picked! <hr width="50%"> :''[Later, Luna repeatedly breaks shovels trying to break the barnacles, with Leni and Lola having brought a box full of them and the entire supply being exhausted. Lynn uses a hammer to break the barnacles, but fails. Lincoln grabs a jackhammer and begins removing barnacles as his sisters cheer, but is sent careening into the woods. Eventually, all the barnacles are gone, and the sisters are all exhausted.]'' :'''Leonard''': Well, rig my sails! I'm impressed, kiddos! Guess you won't have any trouble with the rest of 'em! ''[points to even more barnacle-encrusted canoes]'' Well, let me know when you're finished! ''[leaves]'' :'''Lisa''': Now we know why all those other counselors quit. :'''Lynn''': Yeah, Gramps is running this camp like he ran his fishing boat, and it's 0% fun! :'''Lisa''': And if he keeps this up, he'll run off his future campers, too. Mastodon will be done for, and Gramps will leave us! I'm afraid we must tell him. :''[Lincoln is chase by a runaway jackhammer.]'' ===''Sleepstakes (10.2)''=== :''[Lana gets an invitation and hides it in her hat]'' :'''Rita''': Lana, what are you hiding? Is that another note from Principal Huggins about bathing more frequently? :'''Lana''': No. He gave up on that. ''[takes the invitation out of her hat]'' It's an invitation to a sleepover my friend Kayla's having. But as all of you know, I'm really bad at sleepovers. ==''Episode 11''== ===''Cat-astrophe (11.1)''=== :'''Harold''': Go for Harold? :'''Nana Gayle''': Harold, it's your mother. :'''Harold''': Oh! Hi, Mom! Clyde, come say hi to Nana! :'''Clyde''': Hi, Nana Gayle! :'''Nana Gayle''': Hey there, baby. What time are you boys coming around for our annual birthday celebration? You didn't forget my big day, did you? :'''Harold''': ''[shocked]'' Your big day? :''[Howard gasps, takes out his phone, and scrolls to Nana Gayle's birthday on their daily schedule, realizing they forgot, and faints]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Nana Gayle''': Wait, what is this? Fish cake? Milk fountain? Weird lady in a cat suit? Boys, what's going on? :'''Harold''': ''[guilty]'' I'm sorry, Mom. We got so distracted planning Cleopawtra and Nepurrtiti's graduation party that we…forgot your birthday. :'''Howard''': We thought if we brought everything from the cat's party here, we could still give you a great birthday. :'''Clyde''': We're sorry, Nana. ''[sighs sadly]'' We really messed up. :'''Scoots''': Yeah, you did. Come on, Gayle. Let 'em have it! ===''Prize Fighter (11.2)''=== ==''Time Trap! (Episode 12)''== :'''Lynn''': Oh-ho-ho-ho, man. I would hate to be you right now, Lori! :'''Lori''': Me? Lincoln was the one who told me to chip it! :'''Lincoln''': Well, Charles was supposed to be protecting the vase! :'''Lana''': You leave Charles out of this! ''[hops on the couch and hugs Charles]'' Who came up with this dumb game anyway? :'''Lincoln''': Guys! We need to figure what we're going to do about this vase. Remember what happened the last few times it broke? :''[Flashback to Lincoln, in his Ace Savvy outfit, rappelling from the ceiling to nab the last slice of pizza from Lynn]'' :'''Lynn''': Nice try, Stinkoln. ''[hits him with the pizza box, flinging him into the vase and shattering it]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[opens the door, frantically]'' What happened? ''[notices the shattered vase and gasps]'' That was a wedding gift! ''[angrily to them]'' You're all grounded for the night! :''[Second flashback to Lynn, Lucy, and Luan in the twins' room]'' :'''Lynn''': ''[with her rear stuck inside the vase's neck]'' Told ya it would fit. ''[farts, letting the bottle fly away]'' :'''Rita''': ''[ducks as the vase flies out of the room and shatters; enraged]'' That was a wedding gift! You're all grounded for a week! :''[Third flashback]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[bursting in through the front door with chemicals]'' Hot chemicals coming through! ''[rushes past the vase, which starts wobbling, but rests; relieved]'' Phew. :'''Lana''': El Diablo, drop it! :''[El Diablo slithers past Lisa knocking the chemical out of her hands and destroying the vase with an explosion]'' :'''Rita and Lynn Sr.''': ''[gasp]'' Our wedding gift! :'''Rita''': ''[angrily]'' You guys are grounded for a month! :''[Back to present]'' :'''Lincoln''': If Mom and Dad find out we broke the vase again, we'll definitely be grounded for the whole year. :'''Luna''': Can't we just get rid of it? :'''Lynn''': ''[imitates buzzer]'' They'd notice. In case you haven't heard, it was a wedding gift. :'''Lucy''': That vase has been nothing but a pox on this house. :'''Lola''': Ugh! I wish Mom and Dad never got this heinous thing in the first place! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lisa''': Siblings, I figured out a way to save our collective gluteus maximi. A while back, I unlocked the secret of time travel. I swore to never use it again, but desperate times call for desperate measures. My plan is simple: I'll travel back to the day of Mom and Dad's wedding. There, I'll prevent our parental units from ever receiving the vase. In layman's terms, no vase, no grounding. Any questions? :'''Lynn''': ''[raises her hand]'' Yeah… I've got one, brainbox. Won't removing the vase affect the fabric of the space-time continuum? :'''Lisa''': Actually, that is a highly perceptive question. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lisa''': Behold! ''[the garage door is stuck]'' Aw, dang it. The door is stuck. Everyone, just crawl under… Ding-dang door ruining my reveal… ''[scoffs]'' :'''Leni''': So where's the time machine? :'''Lisa''': You're lookin' at it. :'''Lincoln''': You built a time machine? Out of Vanzilla? In seven minutes?! :'''Lisa''': Well, it's not like it was hard. All I needed was an alkaline-coated crankshaft and some plutonium. Mm-hmm. ''[rips off her shirt and pants to reveal a tuxedo]'' :'''Lola''': You even had time to get a tux?! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lisa''': How in Galileo's micrometer did you get here?! :'''Lincoln''': We snuck in the back seat when you weren't looking. You have terrible peripheral vision. :'''Lana''': We wanna help you with the mission! :'''Lola''': And I'm not one to miss a party. :'''Lisa''': Fine… Since you're here, you can help me find the vase. But remember, it's crucial that we get it, swap it, and get out without being seen. Let's roll! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lynn''': Mom and Dad are gonna feel pretty bad when they hear we had to- ''[feels the couch]'' This feels different. :'''Lola''': ''[gasps]'' That's 'cause it ''is'' different! Mom and Dad would never shell out for high-quality upholstery like this! :'''Lucy''': The blood- I mean, ketchup stains on the walls are gone. :'''Lana''': This carpet feels softer than normal. And where are all the mud stains? :'''Lori''': ''[sniffs]'' And it doesn't smell like Cliff's farts, or Lynn's. :'''Lynn''': ''[preparing to fart]'' Oh, I can fix that. :'''Lola''': ''[screaming from upstairs]'' What happened to my room?! My trophies! My headshots! Mr. Sprinkles! '''MY HEADSHOTS!!!''' :''[The siblings check to see the twins' bedroom, now into a gym room]'' :'''Lynn''': Why is your room full of gym equipment? <hr width="50%"> :'''Lisa''': Welp, it seems my hypothesis was correct. We've altered the course of history. ''[gulps]'' I'm afraid…'''''we don't exist!''''' :''[The other Loud siblings gasp; End of Act 1]'' :''[Beginning Act 2]'' :'''Lincoln''': What do you mean we don't exist? :'''Lisa''': We altered the timeline and erased our own existence. In this timeline, Mom and Dad never had kids. Huh. The question is why… Perhaps there is someone who could help us fill in the blanks. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lana''': Found a crankshaft! Ooh, also found this junkyard burrito. Double score! ''[surfs on a car door and lands on other trash while Lynn nabs the crankshaft and Chunk gets the burrito] :'''Alternative Chunk''': Brilliant. I just found me lunch. ''[eats the burrito]'' A bit o' bad news, though. I think your punk friend flew the coop. ''[points to the dropped guitar, which Luna has disappeared]'' :'''Lincoln''': Now Luna disappeared! :'''Lucy''': So did Leni. :'''Lisa''': Of course - they're disappearing in birth order. :'''Lynn''': We gotta move fast if we want to save the rest of us. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': Without me, Chandler took my spot in the friend group. <hr width="50%"> :'''Luan''': ''[sniffs]'' Ooh, smell that? Pet dander and farts! :'''Luna''': Look! There are pics of us on the wall! :'''Lincoln''': ''[checks the couch]'' Yes! The couch is sticky! What the…?! :'''Lisa''': Yeah! The timeline has been repaired! :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[off-screen]'' Kids, we're home! :''[Their parents enter with a pizza box]'' :'''Rita''': We picked up pizza for di- ''[she and Lynn Sr. gasp upon seeing the broken vase]'' You broke our vase again?! ''[The siblings all smile]'' And you're happy about it? :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[sternly]'' Ok, that is it! Everyone is grounded for two months! :'''Lincoln''': ''[as he and his sisters hug them]'' We'll stay home with you as long as you'd like. ==''Episode 13''== ===''Crashed Course (13.1)''=== ===''Puns and Buns (13.2)''=== :'''Andre''': Benjamin Stein, you may have just started working here, but I know greatness when I see it. I am promoting you to Assistant Manager of the Burpin' Burger. ''[puts a golden Burger necklace on around Benny's neck]'' :'''Benny''': Wow, the Golden Buns? Dreams do come true! :'''Andre''': You've earned it. You're always on time, your uniform is always clean. And you're the first person ''ever'' to organize the pickles…by size. :'''Benny''': Thank you, Andre. I'll teach you how to organize the pickles too, Otis. Once you've recovered from that accident with the burger sign. :''[Flashback to Otis' accident while dressed in a burger costume as he spins the sign, flinging it upwards and falls on him]'' :'''Andre''': And we all want you to get better soon. ''[hits Otis in the injured arm, making him cringe in pain]'' Especially me, because I have to fill in for you. :'''Benny''': No one wears the buns like you, boss. <hr width=50%> :'''Luan''': Well, I'd better take Mr. Coconuts home. We just used our savings on that hilarious soda bit. I miss spending time with you, Benny. Ever since Dairyland closed for the off season, I don't see you very much. ''[takes out her phone and shows Benny a photo of herself in her Heidi Heifer costume, unmasking herself in front of him and scaring him, causing him to knock the popcorn cart over]'' Remember how I'd sneak up on you and scare you, and you'd knock over your popcorn cart? ''[laughs]'' I missed that. :'''Benny''': ''[laughs]'' Classic us. I miss it, too. :'''Luan''': ''[gets an idea]'' Wait. Benny, why don't I just work here with you? Problem solved! :'''Benny''': I was just thinking that, too! But I don't know if Andre will go for it. He takes fast food very seriously. :'''Andre''': ''[now in the burger costume as he puts ketchup on as war paint]'' Be the burger, be the burger. Sesame seed bun! ''[charges out the door]'' :'''Luan''': You can convince him. He'll listen to you. :'''Benny''': You're right. I'm Assistant Manager now! :''[Outside the restaurant]'' :'''Andre''': Absolutely not. Luan, work here? Are you kidding? :'''Benny''': But sir, Otis is still injured and we could really use a little more help. Plus, she ''does'' have experience. Her family owns a restaurant. And she promised to leave Mr. Coconuts at home. :'''Andre''': Fine, but Luan is your responsibility. She can be your first assignment as assistant manager. :'''Benny''': Thanks, boss! You won't regret this! :'''Andre''': I hope not. :'''Benny''': ''[chuckles and heads back inside; clears throat, holding up a Burpin' Burger uniform in front of Luan]'' Welcome to the Burpin' Burger family, Luan! You start tomorrow! ==''Episode 14''== ===''Lights, Camera, Nuclear Reaction (14.1)''=== :'''Lincoln''': Todd, you were amazing! And the hologram effect Lisa installed was the coolest! ''[notices something]'' Todd? ''[passes through him, turning out he's a hologram; shocked]'' Ahh! :'''Todd''': ''[laughs]'' '''Got you, Lincoln. You should have seen the look on your face. Actually, I can show you. Playing memory from three seconds ago.''' ''[plays the memory and replays Lincoln's shock multiple times while zooming in on his face; laughs]'' '''Good times.''' <hr width=50%> :'''Lisa''': ''[enters the dining room, panting]'' Quick question, have you seen the nuclear reactor from yesterday's shoot? Uh, not to create any panic, but it's missing. And if it falls into the wrong hands… ''[chuckles nervously]'' it could potentially destroy Royal Woods. :'''Lincoln''': You mean that was real?! :'''Lisa''': You asked for screen accuracy, Lincoln. Anyway, if you stumble on a glowing, unstable nuclear reactor, let me know. :'''Lincoln''': You're in luck, Lisa. Where there's evil in the world, there's only one secret agent who can stop it, and his name is- :'''Clyde''': Um, Lincoln, Lisa already left. :'''Lincoln''': ''[sighs]'' Agent David Steele. We're coming up to help, Lis! <hr width=50%> :'''Todd''': '''So glad you could make it, Mr. Steele and friends.''' :'''Lincoln''': This isn't you, Todd! It's the villain switch talking! Look, we're going to slowly come over and turn it off, OK? :'''Todd''': ''[presses a button and traps the three in a net]'' '''Sorry, Agent Steele. That won't be happening, and now you can all watch annihilate Royal Woods. Oh, and one last thing.''' ''[removes the villain switch to their horror]'' '''Now I'll be in villain mode forever.''' ''[laughs]'' '''You should see your faces. Actually, I can show you. Playing memory from three seconds ago.''' ''[plays and replays the memory of them gasping]'' ===''Food Courting (14.2)''=== :'''Miguel''': Leni, you ready for lunch? :'''Leni''': Definitely. How 'bout Spaghetti on a Stick? I'm craving skewered noodles. :'''Miguel''': Uh, sure, but, let's go to the Spaghetti on a Stick across town, or maybe one in a different town. I hear you get free marinara in Hazeltucky. :'''Leni''': That's silly, it's right there. Come on. <hr width=50%> :'''Gavin''': Welcome to Spaghetti on a Stick. How can I help you today? :'''Miguel''': ''[sweating nervously]'' Uh, nice boats. Are those shoes fresh? Boy, that episode of ''The Dream Sauce,'' huh? ''[Gavin stares confusingly at him; rushes off embarrassingly, and bumps into a man in lederhosen, getting sauerkraut in his eyes]'' AHH! SAUERKRAUT IN MY EYE! :'''Leni''': Don't worry, we are not giving up. ''[sniffs]'' And sauerkraut is actually a good scent on you. <hr width=50%> :'''Gavin''': Hey, Miguel! Looking stylish as usual. :'''Leni''': ''[through radio microphone]'' ''Thanks. What can you tell me about the rigatoni today?'' :'''Miguel''': Uh--uh, thanks. What can you tell me about the rigatoni today? :'''Gavin''': Excellent question! The pasta is fresh from Sicily. Well, Sicily, Michigan, but still. So, can I put in an order from you? :'''Scoots''': ''[interrupting]'' Quit daydreaming, blondie, and ring these up. :'''Leni''': One moment, please. :'''Miguel''': ''[in the exact same tone and posture]'' One moment, please. :'''Gavin''': I get it, choosing the right pasta takes time. :'''Miguel''': I'm gonna have to ask you to calm down and step back, please. :'''Leni''': ''[being bothered at Scoots waving the pants in her face]'' I said, step back, please! :'''Scoots''': And ''I'' said, I've waited long enough! :'''Gavin''': Uh, Miguel? Is everything all right? :'''Miguel''': ''[laughs nervously and runs off before slipping and falling into the fountain; Felix offers him a washcloth]'' Oh, thanks, Felix. :'''Leni''': ''[while being chased by Scoots]'' SECURITY! :'''Scoots''': ''[angrily chasing after her]'' Get back here, blondie! <hr width=50%> :'''Leni''': Gavin, what a surprise. :'''Gavin''': Oh. Hey, Leni. Hey, Miguel. :'''Leni''': Miguel, look, it's Gavin! :'''Miguel''': ''[awkwardly snapping out of it]'' Grey! Sorry. I started to say "greetings", but then I switched it to "hey." Ugh! ==''Episode 15''== ===''Save the Last Pants (15.1)''=== ===''A Stella Performance (15.2)''=== ==''Episode 16''== ===''Hiccups and Downs (16.1)''=== :'''Leni''': Wow. I've never heard a guitar make that sound before. :'''Lisa''': Negatory. It would appear Luna is having involuntary contractions of the diaphragm. Street name: hiccups, brought on by all of her excitement. They'll cease in no time. <hr width=50%> :'''Luna''': The Rumble's tonight, and there's no way I can sing like this! What am I gonna- ''[hiccups]'' -do?! :'''Lisa''': ''[gasps]'' I know what would cure those: an anti-hiccup elixir. Yeah, if only someone would invent one. :'''Luna''': ''[hiccups]'' Come on, sibs. One of you has to know how to get rid of my- ''[hiccups and falls to the floor, surrounded by the spilled food]'' Please, you've gotta help me! :'''Luan''': Aw, Luna. You know we're ''"hicc-up"'' for it, but first things first… ''[grabs a fork; to her siblings]'' Everybody, hurry and eat while she's down! ===''The Loathe Boat (16.2)''=== ==''Episode 17''== ===''Stroke of Luck (17.1)''=== ===''My Cheer Lady (17.2)''=== ==''Episode 18''== ===''Space Jammed (18.1)''=== ===''Crown and Dirty (18.2)''=== ==''Episode 19''== ===''The Orchid Grief (19.1)''=== ===''Forks and Knives Out (19.2)''=== ==''Episode 20''== ===''The Loud Cloud (20.1)''=== ===''You Auto Know Better (20.2)''=== ==''Unnamed Halloween Special (Episode 21)''== ==''Episode 22''== ===''Pop Pop the Question (22.1)''=== ===''Lynn and Order (22.2)''=== ==''Episode 23''== ===''Snow Escape (23.1)''=== ===''Snow News Day (23.2)''=== ==''Episode 24''== ===''Day of the Dad (24.1)''=== ===''Small Blunder (24.2)''=== ==''Episode 25''== ===''Fashion No Show (25.1)''=== ===''Doom Service (25.2)''=== ==''Episode 26''== ===''The Hurt Lockers (26.1)''=== ===''Love Stinks (26.2)''=== 74oi721x72a4upm3ucupfgcrwp04wcs 3157890 3157889 2022-08-25T17:03:12Z 162.197.99.132 /* Eye Can't (7.2) */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[The Loud House/Season 1|1]] [[The Loud House/Season 2|2]] [[The Loud House/Season 3|3]] [[The Loud House/Season 4|4]] [[The Loud House/Season 5|5]] [[The Loud House/Season 6|6]] ([[The Loud House|Main]]) | '''[[The Casagrandes|Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]]) ---- '''''{{w|The Loud House}}''''' (2016–present) is an American [[w:animated television series|animated television series]] created by [[w:Chris Savino|Chris Savino]] for [[w:Nickelodeon|Nickelodeon]]. The series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of an accident-prone boy named Lincoln Loud, who survives as the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children. ==''Episode 1''== ===''Present Danger (1.1)''=== :'''Gus''': Lincoln! Bravo, buddy, but you gotta get off the table. :'''Customer''': You have ruined my wife's garlic knots! :'''Lincoln''': Sorry! ''[gets off the table; to the viewers]'' Well, today's a really big day. It's my 12th birthday! Feels like I've been 11 forever, so this year, I'm doing it in style. David Steele-style. I asked all my friends to come to Gus's dressed as their favorite MALICE villains. You have Golden Toe, Blowfish, Odd Bob, and Patty Whack. So far, it's been great. One moment… Nothing but net. And now that we've finished playing Agents and MALICE, it's time for… :'''Rita''': Presents! :'''Lincoln''': Yes! :'''Liam''': Wahoo! :'''Zach''': Rusty, the invitation said only Lincoln was supposed to dress up as David Steele. :'''Rusty''': Sorry, dude. It's not my fault I look amazing in a tuxedo. Besides, check out the Loud seniors. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lynn Sr.''': Well, thanks for coming, everyone. Today is a special day for a special- ''[notices his dad crying]'' Dad, you know if you cry, I'm gonna- ''[he and Leonard both break down sobbing in each other's arms]'' :'''Rita''': Lincoln, I think what your dad was ''trying'' to say is that 12 is a Loud family landmark. He and Gramps have a special present for you. Your great-grandfather gave it to Gramps when he was 12, and Gramps gave it to ''your'' dad when ''he'' was 12. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': Room for one more? :'''Scoots''': Doesn't look like there's room for one more. Because of your dang party, I'm stuck with these two bozos at the loaner's table. :'''Flip''': Hey, you ain't no picnic yourself there, lady! ''[eats the pizza]'' :'''Chandler''': What do you want there anyway, Lincoln Lame? :'''Lincoln''': ''[takes a seat]'' Someone nabbed one of my birthday presents, and I think one of you is the culprit. ''[takes out a deck of cards]'' The game is Go Fish. If I win, you have to turn out your pockets. :'''Chandler''': And what's in it for us? :'''Lincoln''': If you win, you get to keep all my… ''[close-up on his face] Presents.'' So, are you feeling lucky? :'''Chandler''': You're on! ===''Stressed for the Part (1.2)''=== :'''Luan''': ''[practicing her moos]'' Moo! Moo! ''[falsetto]'' Moooo! :'''Mr. Coconuts''': Nah, toots. That's too Holstein. Go lower into your Jersey range. :'''Luan''': Oh, Mr. Coconuts, I can't wait to tell Mrs. Bernardo I got the part! :'''Mr. Coconuts''': She'll be over the moooon, toots! :'''Luan''': Aww. :''[Suddenly Mrs. Bernardo walks in with her makeup running]'' ==''Episode 2''== ===''Don't Escar-go (2.1)''=== :'''Lincoln''': So, what's the occasion, Clyde? :'''Zach''': Yeah, are you buttering us up for something? :'''Clyde''': Ok, here goes. The reason I created this ''Célébration de'' Friendship Brunch is because, I've got some big news. It all started last night… :''[Flashback to earlier, getting a phone call]'' :'''Howard''': Clyde, can you get that? And please be careful. That phone is older than our 1930's Dust Bowl glasses. :'''Clyde''': ''[picks up the phone and answers]'' Hello? :'''Nana Gayle''': ''[calling on the other end from Sunset Canyon]'' Clyde, it's Nana Gayle. Ooh, I've got big news. My best friend, Fleur DuPont, just came to town for a surprise visit. She happens to be the dean of one of the finest cooking academies in the world. :'''Clyde''': I know that academy! It's nearly impossible to get in. They wouldn't even let the Queen of England in. Granted, I've heard her sponge cake is dry- :'''Nana Gayle''': Clyde, get your buns over here! And bring your baked goods, too! If Fleur tries them, oh, she's sure to let you in. :''[Clyde hangs up happily; back to the present]'' :'''Zach''': So, what happened? :'''Clyde''': She loved everything I made! In fact, Dean DuPont said I just have to pass one last exam tonight. I have to cook her an entire dinner. If I nail it, I'll be into the academy! :'''Stella''': Yeah! :'''Lincoln''': Yeah! :'''Rusty''': Yeah, alright! ''[Clyde starts sniffing]'' Clyde, what's wrong? :'''Clyde''': ''[sniffs]'' There's only one drawback: The school's in… Paris. :'''Lincoln''': ''[despaired]'' NOOOOOOOOO! ''[collapses]'' :'''Liam''': Aww, it's happening again. Clyde's leaving us, just like when Lincoln done went to Canada. :'''Clyde''': Let's not lose our heads here. I'm not 1,000% sure I'm going yet. They might not even pick me. :'''Rusty''': Your food is divine. Of course you'll get in. :'''Clyde''': I'll miss you guys like crazy, but this is an incredible opportunity. Where else could I learn to cook ''sole meunière, concombre a la menthe, escargot--'' :'''Lincoln''': ''[brushes the imagination aside]'' Wait, Clyde. What if you could learn to cook all those things here in Royal Woods? I know someone who can teach you. Then we wouldn't lose you. :'''Rusty''': Ooh, give it a try, Clyde. Please? :'''Stella''': Yeah, we're your crew, table 10 at lunch, the Action News Team! We have to stick together. :'''Clyde''': But who are you thinking could teach me? :'''Lincoln''': I know just the guy. <hr width="50%"> :''[Royal Woods Middle School cafeteria; the gang talks to Chef Pat]'' :'''Stella''': Chef Pat, do you know anything about French cooking? :'''Chef Pat''': Pfft, I know everything. I used to be the head chef on a 60-foot yacht off the French Riviera. Here. ''[takes a buckwheat galette out of her hair net]'' Try a nutty buckwheat galette. :'''Zach''': Nutty. Smooth. So why do you cook sloppy joes all the time? :'''Chef Pat''': 'Cause that's what you kids like. ''[walks into the kitchen]'' :'''Lincoln''': Chet Pat, you ''have'' to teach Clyde all about French cooking, or else he's moving to Paris. ''[slides on his knees; begging]'' Please! :'''Chef Pat''': Hmm. That's a lot to ask, but I'll do it, on one condition. While I'm with Clyde, you guys gotta take care of my niece, Waffles. If she tries to bite you, give her waffles. They calm her down. ===''Double Trouble (2.2)''=== :''[The Loud twin sisters arrive at Auntie Pam's contest for all the twins of Royal Woods]'' :'''Lola''': First rule of any contest: Know your enemy, and you can never lose. Who's gonna be our biggest threat? :'''Lana''': Mr. Grouse and Flip? :'''Lola''': ''[screeches her jeep to a stop]'' Um, what are you two trying to pull? You're not even related! :'''Mr. Grouse''': What? You don't see the resemblance? ''[he and Flip both tug their mustaches]'' :'''Flip''': Ooh, it's in the flavor savers. ''[they both walk away, chuckling]'' :'''Lola''': Ugh. :'''Lana''': And what's Liam doing here? :'''Liam''': ''[to his twin goats]'' Okay, fellers, eye of the tiger. :'''Lola''': His twins aren't even human! :'''Liam''': Huh? They got every right to be here. :'''Scoots''': ''[honks and pulls up]'' Uh, anyone seen my twin sister Mopes? She looks just like me, except for she's on a moped. ''[drives off]'' :'''Lola''': No way Scoots has a twin! The universe would never be so cruel. :'''Mopes''': ''[pulls up]'' Anyone seen my twin sister Scoots? She looks just like me, except for she's on a scooter. ''[drives off]'' :'''Lola''': Okay, Scoots' sister is obviously just her in a wig. This contest is going to be an ice cream cake walk. :'''Lana''': Yeah, we're the only ''real'' twins here. :'''Cheryl''': ''[showing up with Meryl]'' Stop the presses! 'Cause Cheryl… :'''Meryl''': And Meryl… :'''Both''': Have arrived! :'''Cheryl''': Sorry for being tardy, y'all. We may have gotten sucked into an episode of our favorite soap opera, "Southern Hospitality." :'''Auntie Pam''': ''[blowing her whistle]'' Alrighty, who's ready to twin it up? Let's get this competition started! <hr width="50%"> :'''Auntie Pam''': ''[sees Liam's twin goats fighting; blowing her whistle]'' Disqualified! :'''Liam''': Disqualified? For what? :'''Auntie Pam''': ''[pulls out a contract]'' Violation of Auntie Pam's Double Trouble Contract. I can't have my twins fighting. They need to be united. <hr width="50%"> :''[As the Double Trouble contest comes to an end at sunset…]'' :'''Auntie Pam''': Our two final teams are Cheryl and Meryl, and Lola and Lana. And now for the big moment. Our Double Trouble twins and winners of a lifetime supply of ice cream are…lo and behold, Cheryl and Meryl! :''[Cheryl and Meryl gasp and squeal in delight over winning; The Loud twins sigh in disappointment and drive back home]'' :'''Lola''': It's not fair! That crown and ice cream should be ''ours!'' ''[gasps and screeches her jeep to a stop as she and Lana see Liam's twin goats fighting over his shirt]'' :'''Liam''': ''[bursts out of a bush, going after them]'' Hey, wait up, fellers! :'''Lana''': At least we didn't get disqualified for fighting, right? :'''Lola''': ''[gets an idea]'' Fight clause. Lana, maybe there's a way we can ''still'' win! Cheryl and Meryl just need to start bickering, and Auntie Pam will make ''us'' the Double Trouble twins! :'''Lana''': But how do we know they'll fight? :'''Lola''': 'Cause you and I are going to ''make'' them. :''[Next day at elementary school; Lana is walking with Cheryl on their snack break]'' :'''Lana''': Thanks for the snack break, Cheryl. :'''Cheryl''': My pleasure, sugar. :'''Lana''': I've never heard a person talk as much as Cheryl. She said, like, a gazillion sentences, and they all started with "sugar." :'''Lola''': Does that mean you got the scoop on how to split up her and Meryl? :'''Lana''': It won't be easy. Those two are ''tight.'' They eat ice cream together every night. They watch ''all'' the same TV shows, like "Southern Hospitality." They even double-date with their boyfriends. :'''Lola''': ''[thinking]'' Hmm, I can work with all that. <hr width="50%"> :'''Cheryl''': ''[screams as she slips in the melted ice cream and falls on her back; angrily]'' Meryl, did you spill the ice cream?! Now we got a dairy river the size of the Mississippi on our floor! :'''Meryl''': ''[miffed]'' Don't blame me, I didn't do it! :''[They growl angrily at each other]'' :'''Cheryl''': Well, no use cryin' over spilled ice cream. We got plenty more in the backup freezer. :'''Lola''': ''[disappointed]'' Ugh! <hr width="50%"> :'''Meryl''': ''[answers the telephone]'' Yello, Che-Meryl residence. You got Meryl. :'''Lola''': ''[impersonating Cheryl]'' Hey, sugar, it's me, your sister. :'''Meryl''': Hey, sugar. :'''Lola''': I'm in a bit of a pickle here at school. Huggins has a bee in his office. Actually, a ''lot'' of bees. :'''Lana''': ''[hold a jar of bees]'' Come home safe, my babies. ''[takes the jar lid off, releasing the bees]'' :'''Lola''': I'm fixing to be here awhile. You should go ahead and watch the season finale of "Southern Hospitality" without me. :'''Meryl''': What? Well, that don't sound like you at all! You serious about this? :'''Lola''': As serious as a hoedown. :'''Meryl''': Ooh, that is serious. And I am chompin' at the bit to find out this pie thief. Ooh, okay. I'll watch. :''[The Loud twins high five as they hear Cheryl and Principal Huggins running away from the bees]'' :'''Cheryl''': ''[screaming]'' Run, Huggins! They think my beehive is ''their'' beehive! :''[Cheryl and Meryl's apartment, evening; Meryl is watching the season finale, sobbing while blowing her nose]'' :'''Cheryl''': ''[enters the apartment, covered in bee stings]'' Ooh, boy, did I have a dickens of a day. ''[realizes]'' And are you watching the "Southern Hospitality" finale without me? :'''Meryl''': Uh, you called and told me to. :'''Cheryl''': That is a backhoe of lies! I think I would remember something like that! :'''Meryl''': You calling me a fibber?! :'''Cheryl''': If the kitten heel fits! :'''Meryl''': How dare you?! :'''Cheryl''': Hmph! ''[turns around]'' :'''Meryl''': Oh, and BTDubs, Wayland is the pie thief! ''[blows her nose as her sister gasps in horror at the spoilers, and they both go their separate ways]'' :''[The Loud twins smirk at each other while watching]'' :''[Next day at Auntie Pam's parlor; Cheryl and Meryl are still angry with each other during the unveiling of the Double Trouble sundae]'' :'''Auntie Pam''': Welcome all to the debut of our Double Trouble sundae. Exciting, isn't it, Double Trouble twins? ''[takes out the ceremonial scissors]'' Who wants to cut the ribbon? :'''Meryl''': ''[takes the scissors]'' ''I'll'' do it. :'''Cheryl''': I'm surprised you haven't already done it without me, you low-down pie thief spoiler! :'''Meryl''': ''[spitefully cuts her sister's hair with the scissors as the crowd gasps]'' Oops. :'''Auntie Pam''': ''[gasps]'' Ok, ladies, settle down. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lana''': The sign-up line for our Unlimited Double Trouble ice cream party starts here! :'''Lola''': And remember, it's VIPs only. :'''Cheryl''': ''[over P.A.; upset]'' Morning… ''[sobbing]'' Roosters. Today's lunch will be two identical twin fish sticks! Sorry, Principal Huggins, it's just that Meryl is ''gone!'' ''[sobbing hysterically; the Loud twins rush over investigating as Principal Huggins comforts her]'' After our tussle at Auntie Pam's parlor, we was both madder than wet hens, so this morning, Meryl packed up her stuff and left for the bus station! ''[Lola and Lana look even more guilty for what they have both done as she continues sobbing]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Meryl''': What is ''she'' doing here? :'''Lola''': Look, Meryl, if you want to be mad someone, be mad at us. :'''Lana''': Yeah, we wanted ice cream so bad, we tricked you two into fighting. :''[Cheryl and Meryl gasp upon hearing this]'' :'''Lola''': It was stupid, and we feel so terrible. If anyone knows how much twins need each other, it's us. :'''Lana''': Yeah, you can't leave, Meryl. Twins gotta stick together. :'''Meryl''': ''[looks down at her twin, smiles back]'' Well, I guess I could stay. After all, you ''are'' the soft serve to my waffle cone. :'''Cheryl''': ''[squeals and hops into her twin's arms]'' We gotta celebrate our reunion! :''[Auntie Pam's; the two pair of twins are all enjoying their ice cream]'' :'''Lola''': You know, you should throw more twin soirees. :'''Scoots''': ''[drives in]'' I heard about the twin party. Guess our invite got lost in the mail. :'''Lola''': Spare us, Scoots. We know your "sister," Mopes, isn't real. :'''Mopes''': ''[showing up in the flesh]'' What are you lookie-loos staring at? :'''Scoots''': You never seen twins before? ==''Episode 3''== ===''Flip This Flip (3.1)''=== :'''Lincoln''': Um, what's going on? :''[Nacho chitters while pointing at the label of Gobblesworth Farm, swooning over it, and makes smooching noises]'' :'''Lana''': OK, from what I understand- my raccoon's a little rusty- the lady on the framed turkey label is Flip's old middle school crush, um… Tommy Hogglesfort? :'''Flip''': Tammy Gobblesworth! ''[sighs]'' My one true love. I always thought she and I would eat food off of other people's plates together forever. ''[flashback to the middle school Christmas dance]'' But then I got locked out of the school dance and missed my one shot to impress her! ''[collapses after the flashback fades back to the present]'' :''[Nacho chitters more while pointing at the label and pantomime acts like a chicken]'' :'''Lana''': ''[translating]'' Ever since Flip found the label, he's been attempting to call and ask her to dinner, but he keeps chickening out. :'''Flip''': ''[popping up]'' Hey, chickening out is a bit harsh. :'''Lincoln''': Flip, you can totally do this. There's nothing to be afraid of. :'''Lana''': Yeah. You're Flip Phillipini. You're a legend! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': Welcome to Flip This Flip, where we take people that are complete disasters and make them shiny and new. Let's meet our panel of experts. :'''Lana''': Lana: Hygiene. :'''Leni''': Leni: Fashion. :'''Lola''': Lola: Etiquette. :'''Lisa''': Lisa: Interesting Conversation. :'''Lincoln''': Lincoln: Transportation. What? You guys took all the good categories. <hr width="50%"> :'''Flip''': You did your best, Loudsters. I blew it with Tammy. :'''Lana''': ''[gasps]'' Blew it. Yes! ''[inhales and blows the French horn, sending Flip flying in the air with his outfit coming off, and slides on the floor in front of Tammy]'' :'''Tammy''': Oh, Phillip, are you okay? And where are your pants? :'''Flip''': I gotta level with you, Tammy. Uh, I'm not a fancy tuxedo-wearing guy who oozes sophistication. The only thing I ooze is nacho cheese. Seriously, my sweat's orange. I was only trying to impress you 'cause you're so classy and glamorous. I'm not classy, I'm just gassy. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers while peddling]'' Next time, I'm hiring a limo. ===''Haunted House Call (3.2)''=== :'''Lucy''': Okay, salespeople, normies love cheerfulness. Let's see those smiles. ''[The other Morticians make weird creepy smiles on their faces]'' Forget the smiles. ''[rings the doorbell as Mr. Grouse answers the door]'' Gloomy morning, Mr. Grouse. Would you be interested in buying some homemade eyeball pops? :'''Persephone''': We're raising money to attend Casket Con this weekend. :'''Morpheus''': They'll be unveiling the new Model C casket from Caskets R Us. It hovers, thereby totally removing the need for polders. :'''Boris''': We're running a special. Four eyeball pops for the price of three. :'''Mr. Grouse''': Not now, creepy Loud and you creepy friends. I've got my own problem. I can't catch my couch to take a nap! :''[Inside the house, his furniture is floating]'' :'''Dante''': Oh, yeah. That's a ghost problem. :'''Mr. Grouse''': What was your first clue? When my loveseat walked itself into the kitchen? <hr width="50%"> :'''Lucy''': Good morrow. Are you haunted by a specter? :'''Morticians''': ♪ If a ghost is haunting you / And you have no clue what to do ♪ :'''Dante''': ''[dressed in a bedsheet while hanging]'' ♪ Don't just stand and scream ♪ ''[bumps into the camera]'' :'''Morticians''': ♪ Call the number on your screen ♪ :'''Lucy''': And now, we wait for customers. <hr width="50%"> :'''Rodney''': It's destroying my clothing and spilling my most expensive cologne: Night Sweat! You have to help me! :'''Lucy''': Ghost, reveal yourself. ''[A ghost dude, wearing a tuxedo T-shirt reveals himself]'' Spirit, what is your unfinished business here? :'''Dude Ghost''': I was supposed to be buried in a real tux, but this joker put me in a tuxedo T-shirt! I want a refund! :'''Rodney''': No refunds! Besides, your order form just said tuxedo, so I went with our casual package. :'''Dude Ghost''': I can't cross over in this! I'll be laughed out of the afterlife! :'''Rodney''': Hmph! :'''Haiku''': What about an exchange? :''[Later, Rodney has dressed the ghost dude in a genuine tuxedo]'' :'''Dude Ghost''': Now this is what I'm talking about. :'''Rodney''': And here's your complementary bottle of Night Sweat! :'''Dude Ghost''': ''[flinches in disgust]'' Yeah, I'm good. <hr width="50%"> :'''Liam''': ''[as donkey Dolly's ghostly spirit reveals herself; gasps]'' It's Mee-Maw's prized donkey, Dolly. :'''Persephone''': Do you know why Dolly is haunting you? :'''Liam''': I do. I once broke our fence mud-wrestling with Virginia. And then, blamed it on Dolly. ''[Dolly brays angrily]'' I know. Ain't a moment I'm too proud of. Dolly, I'm gonna make this right. ''[walks into his house; off-screen]'' Brace yourself, Mee-Maw. You're about to be madder than a wet peacock. <hr width="50%"> :''[Cheryl and Meryl's apartment; The TV is changing the channel back and forth from "Southern Hospitality" to "Hipster Island"]'' :'''Cheryl''': Somethin' keeps changing our channel. And we're missing the season finale of "Southern Hospitality!" :'''Lucy''': This is ''definitely'' the work of a ghost. Spirit, show yourself. :''[The ghostly spirit of a hipster appears, sitting next to the twins as they gasp]'' :'''Hipster Ghost''': This used to be my pad, brahs. And I need to find out who rid "Hipster Island." :'''Cheryl''': I use bra pads, too. But we gotta see if Sue Ellen chooses Brad or his evil twin, Chad. :'''Lucy''': You could ''always'' record "Southern Hospitality", and watch it later. :'''Cheryl''': Well, we'll have to delete some of our crime shows, but, it's a deal. Make yourself comfy, I'll be right back with three bowls of ice cream. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lucy''': Nice doing business with you. Let's get you back to the portal and-- :'''Buzz''': Change of plans: Turns out, haunting people is the bee's knees. :'''Persephone''': But what about the afterlife? :'''Buzz''': Overrating. Later! ''[flies away]'' :'''Persephone''': Buzz is going to terrorize all of Royal Woods if we don't stop him. :'''Haiku''': But Casket Con's only open for another hour. We're going to miss the unveiling of the Model C. :'''Lucy''': Sigh. We created this mess, so we need to clean it up. ==''Save Royal Woods! (Episode 4)''== :'''Lincoln''': ''[speaks to the crowd in the microphone, through Todd's megaphones]'' Hey, everyone. If I could have your attention. ''[the crowd catches their attention]'' Maybe Royal Woods ''is'' forgettable, but it doesn't have to stay that way. We could have something like those other towns, something to put us on the map. :'''Clyde''': Then Joyce wouldn't flood our town. Lincoln, that's brilliant! But what could we create that would make Royal Woods seem memorable? :'''Lincoln''': I bet if we put our heads together, we can come up with something amazing. So who's ready to save our town? :''[The crowd cheers in agreement; Next day, Mayor Davis gives Lincoln a button reading '''"Honorary Jr. Mayor"''']'' :'''Lincoln''': Whoa. "Honorary Jr. Mayor?" Thanks, Mayor Davis. :'''Mayor Davis''': It's the least I can do since you're helping to save the town. :'''Lincoln''': So do I get to play your keyboard? :'''Mayor Davis''': ''[plays buzzing sound on her keyboard, sternly]'' Don't push it, kid. ''[cheerfully]'' OK, time to hear ideas to save Royal Woods. <hr width=50%> :'''Lincoln''': Undersecretary Crandall, thanks for coming. :'''Joyce''': I hope this is good. I had to leave a meeting to pick the fish to stock Lake Gladys with. Spoiler alert: We are definitely leaning toward carp. :'''Mayor Davis''': Actually, we think you might just change your mind about flooding your town. :'''Joyce''': I'm sorry, but like I told you before, there is nothing that can cha-- ''[notices the giant Flippee; shocked]'' That's-that's… :'''Albert''': The world's largest Flippee! HA! What do you think about them apples, huh? To be clear, it's not apple. It's actually sparkle berry cherry. :'''Joyce''': Well, it is as big as the frying pan and less dangerous than the piranhas. Ugh, I guess there's no way we can put a lake here now. The flooding is off. :''[All the citizens cheers when the giant Flippee suddenly starts shaking]'' :'''Citizens''': What's happening?! :'''Lincoln''': Flip, what's going on?! :'''Flip''': ''[sheepishly nervous]'' Uh, hey, Flippee syrup ain't cheap. I figured no one would drink it. :'''Lola''': ''[seizes Flip by the collar, angrily]'' What did you do, old man?! :'''Flip''': I may have swapped the syrup with some expired gasoline that wasn't selling. Is that really so bad? :'''Lisa''': Short answer, yes. The gasoline is adversely reacting with my hyper-freeze additive, causing an accelerated release of energy, resulting in expanded volume. :'''Todd''': '''In layman's terms, it's gonna blow.''' :''[The giant Flippee explodes and covers everyone]'' :'''Joyce''': ''[fuming with rage]'' I will be back tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. with the demolition team! Royal Woods is history. ''[the giant Flippee tips over off the gas station, and destroys her car]'' YOU CRUSHED MY CAR! ''[screams as she notices something else]'' Donna! ''[angrily to the citizens]'' Make that 9:00 a.m.! ''GOODBYE, ROYAL WOODS!'' ''[storms off with fury]'' :''[End of Act 1; Beginning Act 2]'' :'''Flip''': ''[breaks down, sobbing]'' I'm sorry, everyone. The world's largest Flippee flopped! ''[Nacho chitters accusatively at him]'' Of course I regret using expired gas, Nacho! How can you ask me that?! :'''Lincoln''': Wait! Everyone! I have a new idea that might save our town! Where's Todd? :'''Todd''': '''I believe you, Lincoln.''' ''[starts chanting]'' '''Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln, Linc-''' ''[realizes everyone staring in confusion]'' '''Oh. We're not doing that?''' ''[deploys his PA system]'' :'''Lincoln''': ''[through microphone]'' Undersecretary Crandall said Royal Woods is history. :'''Flip''': Why would you remind us of that?! :'''Lincoln''': What if Royal Woods did have some kind of important history? Then she couldn't flood us. :'''Lisa''': Elder brother, might I remind you that Royal Woods has no interesting history? We were named after an oak tree. ''[points to an old oak tree commemorated with a plaque as a branch falls off]'' That one. :'''Lincoln''': I know, but Undersecretary Crandall doesn't. Royal Woods has the word "royal" in it. Maybe there's something there. I know we'd be making up a big lie, but it's the only way to save our town. <hr width=50%> :'''Joyce''': ''[notices something off]'' Huh? What's this? :'''Lincoln''': No, actually, we need that back. It's on loan from the, uh, Royal Woods Museum. :'''Joyce''': Not so fast, kid. Hmm… ''[reading on the crown]'' '''"Lola Loud, Little Miss Crowning Achievement?"''' ''[gasps]'' You all made this whole thing up! King George never came through here! :'''Lola''': ''[chuckles sheepishly as she takes her crown back]'' I'll take that. :'''Joyce''': ''[groans angrily; on walkie-talkie]'' Bring that wrecking ball! We've got a sixth Great Lake to make. :'''Luan''': I guess it's time to say goodbye to Royal Woods. <hr width=50%> :'''Joyce''': ''[hopping out of the roller]'' That was a beautiful song, but I'm still going to bust this dam and flood you. :'''Lincoln''': What?! :'''Demolition Worker #1''': Well, we're not! That kid with the white hair is right! This town ''is'' special, and so is my town! :'''Demolition Worker #2''': And so is mine. No town deserves to be flooded by you. Get your promotion some other way, Crandall. We don't want a sixth lake. :'''Joyce''': ''[groans in annoyance]'' You bunch of babies! Ugh! ''[heads back into the roller]'' Come on, Donna, we'll do it ourselves. :'''Lola''': I don't know. Might not be the best look to flood a precious small town on live television. :'''Katherine''': This is Katherine Mulligan, covering the destruction of my town in HD- :'''Joyce''': ''[yanks Katherine away from the camera; chuckles nervously]'' I mean, I would never flood this beautiful town. ''[waves]'' Hi, Mom, happy birthday! :'''Todd''': ''[offering her a phone]'' '''Call for you.''' :'''Oversecretary''': ''[on phone]'' ''Joyce, this is the Oversecretary. I saw everything. Bulldozing a perfectly good town on live TV? '''YOU'RE FIRED!''' :''[Joyce screams in despair after being fired from her job]'' :'''Todd''': ''[pats Joyce on the back, comforting her]'' '''There, there.''' :'''Joyce''': Don't touch me. :'''Lincoln''': We did it! Royal Woods is saved! :''[Everyone cheers]'' :'''Lynn''': You did it, Stinkin'! :'''Leni''': OMGosh, Lincoln, you're a hero. :'''Mr. Grouse''': Yeah, thanks, Loud. Way to go. :'''Lincoln''': I'm just glad we can all stay. 'Cause… :'''Citizens''': ''[singing again]'' ♪ We're right, we're right, we're right where we belong (Ba-ba-da-) ♪ :'''Joyce''': ''[angrily interrupting]'' PUT A CORK IN IT! ''[groans]'' WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE AND YOUR IMPROMPTU SINGING?! ''[growling as she leaves]'' :'''Citizens''': ''[finishing up]'' ♪ We're right where we belong! ♪ ==''Episode 5''== ===''The Taunting Hour (5.1)''=== :''[Evening at the Loud House; The criticized Louds burst through the front door, and begin berating Lincoln]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, he is in for it! :'''Lola''': There he is! :''[Lincoln screams as the couch tips over and himself]'' :'''Luna''': Why'd you have to tell us about our haters, dude?! :'''Lisa''': Now we're ''all'' freezing up! :'''Lincoln''': Look, I'm sorry I told you guys about your critics. I was just only trying to help Lynn. :'''Lynn''': ''[irately punches a hole in the door]'' STINKOLN! :'''Lincoln''': ''[nervously]'' I hope that's a happy "Stinkoln". :'''Lynn''': Your dumb "cure" ''DIDN'T'' cure me! Scoots heckled me some more and now I've got emu legs again! Wasn't even at a game. It was at the mall food court! :'''Lincoln''': Lynn, why are you paying attention to Scoots? Why are ''any'' of you paying attention to those people? It doesn't matter what they say. :'''Mr. Coconuts''': It's easy for you to say! You don't have to deal with it! :'''Lola''': You just go around ruining lives! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lynn''': Dude, that Chandler's a real jerk. :'''Lincoln''': Yeah, he is. ''[jumps off the sofa]'' But he doesn't bother me, and that's the whole point. I mean, at first he really got to me, but the more I ignored him, the easier it got. Plus, why should I care what he has to say? I'm doing what I love, and that's all that matters. :'''Rita''': And if you can handle Chandler, I think we can handle our critics. Right, everyone? :'''Luna''': Totally. :'''Lynn Sr.''': Yeah, I guess so. :'''Mr. Grouse''': Hey, Loud! :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[puts his fingers in his ears]'' Ah, I can't hear you, Grouse! :'''Mr. Grouse''': I was just going to tell you- :'''Lynn Sr.''': I'm blocking out the haters! ''[starts singing]'' ♪ La la la la- ♪ :'''Mr. Grouse''': You forgot to put on the parking brake again. :''[Lynn Sr.'s eyes widen in horror; Outside, Vanzilla starts rolling backwards]'' :'''Kids''': Dad, Vanzilla! :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[chases after his van and screams]'' BABY, PLEASE COME BACK! I'M SO SORRY!!! ===''Musical Chairs (5.2)''=== :''[Lincoln feels dejected after getting to change to another seat in Mr. Bolhofner's class at lunchtime]'' :'''Clyde''': What's wrong, Lincoln? You've barely touched the cheesecake bites I made you. Is the cheese-to-cake ratio not to your liking? :'''Lincoln''': No, Clyde. The ratio is perfect, per usual. It's just, I don't know what to do. Bolhofner won't change my seat. :'''Rusty''': Three words, bro: "Butter him up." :'''Liam''': Oh, he ain't wrong. ''[grabs a stick of butter]'' One time Virginia, she got her head stuck in a fence and we used a whole mess of margarine to get her out. The key is to rub it around the jowls like so. ''[rubs the butter on his cheeks]'' :'''Clyde''': ''[disgusted]'' Ugh. :'''Rusty''': I meant he's gotta charm the man. :'''Liam''': ''[chuckles]'' I knew that. Just testing y'all. ''[eats the butter]'' :'''Rusty''': A while back, I wanted to go skydiving with my cousin, Derek, but my dad wouldn't let me, so I spent the whole week doing nice things for him. And bam, check it! ''[plays a video of him skydiving with his cousin while screaming]'' :'''Lincoln''': Hmm. Maybe I should try buttering up the Hof. <hr width=50%> :''[The next day at Mr. Bolhofner's trailer; Mr. Bolhofner is grading papers]'' :'''Mr. Bolhofner''': Nope. :'''Lincoln''': ''[enters]'' So, Mr. B, how was the band practice? That I set up, which I was glad to do, by the way? :'''Mr. Bolhofner''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, right. Ugh. :'''Lincoln''': ''[sighs]'' I guess I'll take my seat, then. :''[Chandler has set up a bucket of hot sauce above Lincoln's seat, laughing evilly]'' :'''Mr. Bolhofner''': That's not your seat, Loud! You sit ''there'' now. :''[He points to Lincoln's new seat, which has a bright light upon it]'' :'''Lincoln''': ''[smugly]'' Bye-bye, Chandler. ''[leaves to his new seat]'' :''[Chandler growls as he dumps the hot sauce on the seat, destroying it in the process]'' :'''Lincoln''': ''[relaxes in his new seat, and is elated to find it can recline at the push of a button]'' Whoa. :'''Student''': Chocolate? ''[offers a box of chocolates]'' I always have extras. :'''Lincoln''': Wow, thank you! ''[takes them]'' :'''Student''': Oh, and if you ever get tense, I keep a massager under my desk! Feel free to use it! :'''Lincoln''': Really? I wouldn't want to impose- ''[the student puts the massager on his neck]'' Oh, yeah. ''[the bell rings; the student reaches for the massager]'' Leave it. ==''Episode 6''== ===''A Bug's Strife (6.1)''=== :''[The Louds are walking out of the house and into Vanzilla]'' :'''Rita''': Oh! Double check, make sure I have my key. Mm. ''[her husband comes out, looking quite sick]'' Honey, you shouldn't be out here. Go back inside and get to bed. :'''Lynn Sr.''': I just wanted to see you guys off. I'll miss you while you're at Aunt Ruth's today. It's a ding-dang shame I'm going to miss the slideshow of her bus tour of "the Malls of the Midwest." ''[sneezes]'' :'''Rita''': Aw. Gesundheit. It's okay. Aunt Ruth will totally understand. :'''Lola''': ''[walking out of the house; annoyed]'' It's not fair. Why does Daddy get to stay home? ''[Lynn Sr. sneezes again; disgusted]'' Ugh, question answered. :'''Rita''': Get lots of rest. We'll see you tonight. ''[walks into Vanzilla and starts backing up]'' :'''Leni''': Bye, Dad! :'''Lynn''': Feel better, Pops. <hr width="50%"> :''[Aunt Ruth's house; In the living room, she is showing the Louds her Malls of the Midwest slideshow; Leni is the only one interested in watching]'' :'''Aunt Ruth''': And here's a bathroom stall from a mall in Indianapolis. This one had auto-flushing like the ones at a fancy steakhouse. :'''Lynn''': ''[bored out of her mind]'' Dad's so lucky to be home sleeping. Ugh. :'''Aunt Ruth''': Shh! Lynn, you're gonna miss the massage chairs at the mall at Walnut Grove! <hr width="50%"> :''[Lynn Sr. rushes over to Mr. Grouse's house and knocks on the door]'' :'''Mr. Grouse''': No one's home! Go away! :'''Lynn Sr.''': Mr. Grouse, I need your help! :'''Mr. Grouse''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, lookie, it's a Loud. Shocker. What do you want, and how fast can I get rid of you? :'''Lynn Sr.''': Remember the spare key I gave you for emergencies? Well, this is an emergency. :'''Mr. Grouse''': Oh, yeah, sure. I keep it in a bowl right here. ''[shows a bowl that's filled with countless keys]'' Yeah, this might take a minute. <hr width="50%"> :'''Rita''': Oh, honey, you must've been so delirious you trashed the house! I had no idea you were ''this'' sick. You need to get to bed immediately. ''[the porch suddenly collapses, sending both her and her husband to the ground]'' But not here. Kids, come on. We have to go. :'''Lynn Sr.''': Ah! Move to Canada. Smart. Chirpy won't find us there. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Rita''': No. We'll stay with Aunt Ruth until the house is repaired. She'll be happy to help nurse you back to health. I should warn you, though, she'll ''want'' to show you her Malls of the Midwest slideshow. ===''All the Rage (6.2)''=== :'''Zach''': You mad 'cause your favorite contestant cheated? :'''Clyde''': Zamir didn't cheat! He would ''never'' cheat! :'''Lincoln''': Maybe you can root for a different contestant. What about Maneet? :'''Clyde''': Maneet's cream puffs… ''[his eyes glow red, muscles bulge, and clenches his fist in fury]'' '''''ARE DRY!''''' ''[begins throwing dodgeballs in rage]'' :'''Stella''': Guys, I think we just won. ==''Episode 7''== ===''Scoop Snoop (7.1)''=== :''[Royal Woods Middle School; Liam is recording the footage of Stella reporting of an owner with their pet]'' :'''Stella''': This is Stella Zhau reporting. ''[suspiciously]'' Someone's been letting their pet go potty here on the school field and not cleaning it up. Well, the Action News Team are here to reveal the "poop-etrator." ''[gasps and looks ahead to see a "dog" with their owner both wearing identical disguises]'' Here they come now! Kangaroos, time to bust some scum! :''[As Liam and Stella run over to the owner and their "dog", they are outsped by Katherine Mulligan and her cameraman]'' :'''Liam''': What?! :'''Katherine''': This is a Katherine Mulligan news exclusive. I'm unmasking the serial pet pooper. ''[takes the hat off the owner, revealing to be Vic]'' The owner is Vic. And the pet pooper is Gilly! :'''Liam''': ''[confused]'' Jumpin' jackalopes. How in the world did she steal ''our'' story? :''[Sunset Canyon Retirement Home; Zach is recording the footage of Rusty with an "old lady" at a table writing on a piece of paper in the background behind him]'' :'''Rusty''': The Action News Team has received a tip that somebody famous is hiding out here disguised as an old lady. Prepare to have your minds blown. :'''Katherine''': ''[pops out from under the table]'' I'm Katherine Mulligan exposing this "little old lady" as… ''[pulls the wig/mask off, revealing…]'' Mick Swagger in disguise. He's holed up here as he writes songs for his new album, "Mick or Treat." :'''Zach''': ''[annoyed in anger]'' Hey, that was ''our'' scoop! :'''Scoots''': ''[wheeling over and points to him]'' Nobody punks ''us,'' Brit boy! PUDDING HIM! :''[The Action News Team are peddling their bikes to Gus' Games and Grub]'' :'''Lincoln''': This is the story of the century. :'''Stella''': It's cool of Gus to tip us off he's discontinuing spaghetti pizza. :'''Clyde''': ''[sobbing]'' It's a dark day for the culinary world. ''[he and Lincoln bump into the back of Katherine's '''NEWS 3''' van and fall off]'' :'''Action News Team''': ''[gasp]'' Oh, no! :'''Katherine''': This is the ''last'' bite of the last slice of the last spaghetti pizza Gus will ''ever'' serve. ''[eats the last bite-sized piece]'' I'm Katherine Mulligan reporting that you'll never know just how delicious that was. :'''Stella''': ''[annoyed]'' I don't get it! How does Katherine Mulligan keep scooping us?! :'''Rusty''': Someone has to be leaking to her. My cousin Derek's studying to be a plumber. He says; "You have to find a leak and plug it, or it gets worse." :'''Lincoln''': Rusty's right. If we don't do something, this could be the end of The Action News Team. :'''Clyde''': Wait. Can we a moment of silence for… ''[sniffles sadly]'' spaghetti pizza? <hr width="50%"> :'''Clyde''': We're never gonna find the leak at this rate. There are too many people at school to investigate. :'''Rusty''': ''[eating a bowl of grapes]'' We shouldn't be following the rat, we should wait at the nest. :'''Liam''': Then what in the manure pile does that even mean? :'''Rusty''': Katherine ''is'' the nest, dawgs! If we follow her, the "leaker", or "rat", is gonna come to her. :'''Lincoln''': Then we'll have our culprit! Rusty, that's a brilliant idea! Looks like it's time for an Action News Team undercover investigation! :''[The Action News Team poses; Next morning, Lincoln, Clyde, and Stella are outside in front of Katherine's house, suspiciously watching her from the bushes as she eats a Danish that popped out from the toaster]'' :'''Lincoln''': 8:02. Katherine takes a bite of Danish. :'''Stella''': Roger that. :'''Rusty''': ''[popping out]'' 'Sup, dudes? :'''Stella''': Rusty, you're late! ''[sniffs with disgust]'' Ugh, what's that awful smell? :'''Rusty''': I was helping my dad pick a cologne to wow his gal pal. He lands it on Undersea Daydream. :''[Lincoln, Clyde and Stella gag over the scent and gasp as Katherine exits her house and hide behind the bushes; Katherine gets into her car and drives off - humming a tune]'' :'''Lincoln''': Suspect's on the move. Let's go. <hr width="50%"> :''[Katherine and her cameraman are eating lunch at the Burpin' Burger; Liam and Rusty hide in the trash can as Liam pops his hand out out of the lid with his phone, recording the footage]'' :'''Liam''': Rusty, ya got your knee square in my gizzard. :'''Rusty''': Then stop moving around, dawg! :'''Liam''': Shh. :'''Rusty''': ''[as Katherine and her cameraman empty their trays into the trash can]'' Augh! Horseradish in the eye! Ugh. :'''Katherine''': Katherine Mulligan wants to know, did this garbage can just talk? ''[shrugs and walks off out of sight as soon as Rusty and Liam tip over, exhausted]'' :''[Royal Woods Bowling Alley; Katherine and Patchy Drizzle are bowling against each other as Patchy knocks down the 10 pins]'' :'''Patchy''': Yahoo! Today's forecast: a 100% chance of winning for Patchy Drizzle! :'''Katherine''': I'm getting some developing news. It ain't over till the last frame. ''[interrupted by Lincoln and Clyde, disguised as their grandmothers as she's about to bowl]'' :'''Lincoln''': ''[imitating Myrtle]'' Don't mind us, sweetie. We're just a couple of senior ladies bowling. :''[Zach, in his bush disguise, takes out his phone to record the footage, but wobbles and collides with them, rolling them across the alley and knocking down the 10 pins]'' :'''Katherine''': Katherine Mulligan wants to know, did that bush just bowl a strike? <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': Okay, so Stella made a notebook of some "hot news leads", but they're all fake. We "accidentally" dropped it here by Principal Ramirez's car. As the "rat," she "finds it" and takes it to "the nest." Any questions? :'''Clyde''': Can you go over that one more time? I got lost in all the air quotes. :'''Lincoln''': I'll explain as we hide. <hr width="50%"> :''[A week later, back at Tall Timbers Park, Principal Ramirez meets up with Katherine again]'' :'''Katherine''': Oh. Principal Ramirez. Glad you could make it. :''[The Action News Team peep from a bush]'' :'''Lincoln''': Gotcha. Principal Ramirez! ''[running towards the two women along with the rest of his team]'' Action News Team! :'''Katherine''': Excuse me. :'''Lincoln''': Principal Ramirez, how much has Katherine Mulligan been paying you to steal our news stories? :'''Principal Ramirez''': I don't know what you're talking about. :'''Clyde''': ''[holds up his mic in front of her, making her trip into the lake]'' ''We're'' asking the questions here! :'''Rusty''': The jig is up, Katherine "Shady Shader" Mulligan! The book Principal Ramirez was going to give you is a bunch of phony news leads ''we'' planted. Bam! ''[looks closely at the title on the book cover]'' "Passion under the Pompeii Moon?" Uh-oh. :'''Principal Ramirez''': ''[angrily snatches the book from Rusty]'' You bet you're "uh-oh." Ms. Mulligan and I are in a book club together. Now someone get me out of here. :'''Katherine''': That's the story. We've been meeting to swap novels we're reading. :'''Stella''': So you weren't leaking our stories? :'''Principal Ramirez''': ''[brushing the lake water off her skirt]'' Of course not! Is this what you spend your time on, making false accusations?! I have half a mind to shut down the Action News Team. :'''Stella''': Please, don't. :'''Rusty''': No, dawg! :'''Lincoln''': We're sorry. :'''Liam''': Give us another chance. :'''Katherine''': I'm Katherine Mulligan and…I agree with these children. Sure they got the story wrong, but they got real drive. It reminds me of me when I was thriving out. I say they deserve a second chance. :'''Principal Ramirez''': ''[over her mind; annoyed]'' Fine. ''[gets out of the lake as the Action News Team high five in celebration]'' But no more wild goose chases, or knocking principals in lakes. :'''Zach''': Promise. :'''Lincoln''': We swear. :'''Rusty''': It was Zach. ===''Eye Can't (7.2)''=== :'''Lisa''': ''[entering the kitchen]'' Good morn… ''[bumps into Charles]'' When did we put the trash can here? :'''Rita''': Honey, that's Charles. :'''Lisa''': Ah, yes, of course. Hmm. Ah! ''Here's'' the orange juice I was looking for. ''[mistakes the flower vase and takes it off the table]'' :'''Rita''': Have you noticed Lisa's been acting a little off this week? :''[Flashback to Lisa bumping into the end table, and another of her bumping into the stair railing]'' :'''Lisa''': Pardon me, father. ''[cut to her petting a skunk, mistaking it for Cliff]'' Good boy, Cliff. Good boy. :'''Leni''': ''[frightened]'' Uh, Lisa? That's ''not'' Cliff. :''[Flashback ends as the skunk sprays on the siblings, screaming off-screen]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': Yeah. She needs new glasses. :'''Lisa''': ''[returns to the kitchen]'' Ah, silly me, I mistook a vase of flowers for orange juice. Ah! ''Here's'' the actual orange juice. :'''Lynn Sr.''': That's hot coffee! Sweetie, look, Mom and I think it's time for you to go to the eye doctor. :'''Lisa''': What? Poppycock! Now if you'll excuse me, I shall be in the living room. <hr width="50%"> :'''Todd''': ''[removing the cactus thorns]'' '''What is the problem? It's just the eye doctor.''' :'''Lisa''': The problem, Todd, is that I have an irrational phobia of the ophthalmologist. :'''Todd''': '''But that does not compute. You are a genius.''' :'''Lisa''': I said it was irrational, Todd. And I've tried to train myself to move-past it, but, I can't! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lisa''': ''[falls down the stairs and lands flat on her face in front of her parents]'' Problem solved, parents. I've forged myself a new pair of glasses, and all is well. ''[opens her eyes - still abnormal through her glasses]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': Counterpoint, you ''did'' kinda just fall down the stairs. :'''Lisa''': Eh. You say tomato, I say mildly near-sighted. :'''Rita''': And I say tomorrow morning ''you'' are going to the eye doctor, and, maybe the pediatrician too to see if you have any damage from that fall. :'''Lisa''': Fine. ==''Episode 8''== ===''Dine and Bash (8.1)''=== :''[Vanzilla pulls up at Lynn's table and the siblings get out and walk in]'' :'''Todd''': '''Have a good afternoon, sweeties. Don't forget to do your homework. I'll be checking.''' ''[drives away]'' :'''Lisa''': Note to self: Dial back Todd's maternal mode. :''[As the Loud siblings enter, they're overwhelmed to see the place crowded in a rush]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, good, you're here! Before you jump into homework, I need your help with the afternoon rush. :'''Lincoln''': No problem. Guys, fan out. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, you kids are a big help, especially with Mom off visiting Lori for Mother-Daughter Golf Day. ''[the phone rings and answers it]'' Lynn's Table. Come in if you're able. You've got Lynn. :'''Kotaro''': Lynn, I have some exciting news. The Doo-Dads just booked a big gig tonight at Sunset Canyon! :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[gasps in excitement]'' No we "Dadn't!" :'''Kotaro''': Yes we "Dad!" It's Bernie's third wedding! He's marrying his lady friend from Boca. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[realizes in disappointment]'' Ohh! Ding, dang, darnit! I have to work the dinner shift. I gave Grant the night off to play "Orcs, Horks, Wizards, and Pork" with his friends. :'''Grant''': ''[enters the kitchen wearing a wizard costume]'' Many thanks, Spirit Wizard Loud! May your harvest be fruitful this moon! ''[leaves]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': You guys should just do the gig without this Doo-Dad. :'''Kotaro''': But a band with just one cowbell is no band at all. :'''Lincoln''': Hey, Dad, what if ''we'' took over the restaurant tonight? :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[touched]'' Aw, that's sweet of you guys, but a night alone's a big responsibility. :'''Lola''': ''[chuckles]'' We know this place like the back of our flawless hands. Ew! Time for a mani. ===''Sofa, So Good (8.2)''=== :'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, kids! We have a surprise! :''[The siblings rush into the living room]'' :'''Lola''': You were saying about a surprise for me? :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[facing the opposite direction]'' Your mother and I have been talking… ''[Rita turns him back the right way]'' Oh, hey everybody. And since it's been seven days since we had any house or life-threatening disasters… :'''Rita''': We thought you all deserve a big surprise. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[leaves]'' Just keep that streak going a little bit longer. :'''Rita''': And we'll be back with the surprise by 4:00! ''[leaves and closes the door]'' :'''Lincoln''': I bet it's an indoor pool. :'''Lucy''': I bet it's a family burial plot. :'''Lana''': I bet it's a Clydesdale. :'''Lynn''': I bet it's tickets to Jelly Wrestlefest 1 15! :'''Lincoln''': No. No. ''[Lynn does a wrestling jump and landed on him as he groans]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[clears throat]'' You can call me the proverbial wet blanket, stick in the mud, resident sourpuss but, based on statistical averages, there's a 98.3% probability that we're going to mess up before the day is out. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': ''[looks up to Luan, stuck whilst sitting on the ceiling]'' Uh, Luan, what's going on up there? :'''Luan''': Looks like we've got a ''"sit-uation."'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': We did it! All we gotta do now is bring the furniture back in. ''[outside, they notice the furniture is missing]'' Uh, guys, where's the furniture? ==''Episode 9''== ===''The Last Laugh (9.1)''=== ===''Driver's Dread (9.2)''=== :'''Leni''': OMGosh, Lori, I'm so excited to see you this weekend! :'''Lori''': Samesies! It'll be like old times. Spending the whole day shopping at the Outlet Mall. Did you know everything is 50% off? :'''Leni''': So if we go twice, it'll be 100% off! :'''Lori''': ''[confused]'' Huh? :'''Leni''': BTDubs, Tanya's coming along. She's desperate for a new look. ''[to Tanya]'' Don't stress out, Tanya. I'll find someone to drive us there. :'''Lori''': You know, Leni, maybe it's time you tried to get your license again. :'''Leni''': I thought about it, then it scared me, so I stopped thinking about it. Remember the last time? ''[flashback to the events of '''"Driving Miss Hazy"''' where she crashed Vanzilla into a pool]'' Is this the carpool lane? ''[back to present]'' There is no way I'm going through that again. The only thing that scares me more than driving is shoulder pads and perms. ''[shudders]'' But don't worry! I'll find a way to get there. <hr width=50%> :''[Rita is in the kitchen writing an article while getting highly caffeinated]'' :'''Rita''': Latte, expresso, macchiato, Fortado… Oh! Those rhyme! :'''Leni''': Mom? Could you drive me to the mall this weekend? Dad can't- :'''Rita''': I'm sorry, sweetie, I can't. I have to finish a big article about coffee, coffee, coffee. And now I gotta pee, pee, pee! ''[runs for the bathroom while holding her bladder]'' :'''Leni''': You can't! Lola's taking one of her four-hour baths, and she's only on hour two. :'''Rita''': ''[bolts out the back door]'' MR. GROUSE, I NEED YOUR BATHROOM! ''[peeks out]'' Maybe you can take the bus. ==''Episode 10''== ===''Bummer Camp (10.1)''=== :'''Leonard''': ''[calling in on the TV from Camp Mastodon]'' Hello? Is this thingy on? I just see me. ''[sees his grandkids as he backs up]'' Up, there you are! Ah, hi, my little minnows! :'''Lincoln''': Hey, Gramps. What's up? :'''Leonard''': Well, kiddos, I'm in a bind. I got a new batch of campers coming in a week, and my counselors just bailed on me during training! I'm as stuck as a boat at low tide! Why, without counselors, I'll have to close down Mastodon and return to life at sea. :''[The kids gasp in shock]'' :'''Lincoln''': Wait, what? :'''Leonard''': Ah, breaks my heart. I love this ding-dang camp. All the summers your dad and I spent here together… ''[sighs]'' So, if you know any counselors, just let me know. Gramps, over and out. How do you… where do I- WHOA! ''[drops the camera in the lake, where a fish swims over before the call disconnects]'' :'''Lynn''': Gramps leaving?! Major foul! I don't want him to go! ''[starts venting her rage by kicking the couch]'' :'''Luna''': None of us do, dudette. We just got him back! :'''Lucy''': We have to find some counselors for Gramps. I'll see if any of my undertaker friends are looking to pick up extra cash. :'''Lincoln''': Wait! We can be Gramps's counselors. Then the camp will stay open and he won't go. Who's with me? ''[the sisters cheer]'' Camp Mastodon, here we come! ''[notices they're still watching ''The Dream Boat'']'' Um, guys? :'''Lola''': Yeah, we're gonna need five minutes. We have to see who Brynn picked! <hr width="50%"> :''[Later, Luna repeatedly breaks shovels trying to break the barnacles, with Leni and Lola having brought a box full of them and the entire supply being exhausted. Lynn uses a hammer to break the barnacles, but fails. Lincoln grabs a jackhammer and begins removing barnacles as his sisters cheer, but is sent careening into the woods. Eventually, all the barnacles are gone, and the sisters are all exhausted.]'' :'''Leonard''': Well, rig my sails! I'm impressed, kiddos! Guess you won't have any trouble with the rest of 'em! ''[points to even more barnacle-encrusted canoes]'' Well, let me know when you're finished! ''[leaves]'' :'''Lisa''': Now we know why all those other counselors quit. :'''Lynn''': Yeah, Gramps is running this camp like he ran his fishing boat, and it's 0% fun! :'''Lisa''': And if he keeps this up, he'll run off his future campers, too. Mastodon will be done for, and Gramps will leave us! I'm afraid we must tell him. :''[Lincoln is chase by a runaway jackhammer.]'' ===''Sleepstakes (10.2)''=== :''[Lana gets an invitation and hides it in her hat]'' :'''Rita''': Lana, what are you hiding? Is that another note from Principal Huggins about bathing more frequently? :'''Lana''': No. He gave up on that. ''[takes the invitation out of her hat]'' It's an invitation to a sleepover my friend Kayla's having. But as all of you know, I'm really bad at sleepovers. ==''Episode 11''== ===''Cat-astrophe (11.1)''=== :'''Harold''': Go for Harold? :'''Nana Gayle''': Harold, it's your mother. :'''Harold''': Oh! Hi, Mom! Clyde, come say hi to Nana! :'''Clyde''': Hi, Nana Gayle! :'''Nana Gayle''': Hey there, baby. What time are you boys coming around for our annual birthday celebration? You didn't forget my big day, did you? :'''Harold''': ''[shocked]'' Your big day? :''[Howard gasps, takes out his phone, and scrolls to Nana Gayle's birthday on their daily schedule, realizing they forgot, and faints]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Nana Gayle''': Wait, what is this? Fish cake? Milk fountain? Weird lady in a cat suit? Boys, what's going on? :'''Harold''': ''[guilty]'' I'm sorry, Mom. We got so distracted planning Cleopawtra and Nepurrtiti's graduation party that we…forgot your birthday. :'''Howard''': We thought if we brought everything from the cat's party here, we could still give you a great birthday. :'''Clyde''': We're sorry, Nana. ''[sighs sadly]'' We really messed up. :'''Scoots''': Yeah, you did. Come on, Gayle. Let 'em have it! ===''Prize Fighter (11.2)''=== ==''Time Trap! (Episode 12)''== :'''Lynn''': Oh-ho-ho-ho, man. I would hate to be you right now, Lori! :'''Lori''': Me? Lincoln was the one who told me to chip it! :'''Lincoln''': Well, Charles was supposed to be protecting the vase! :'''Lana''': You leave Charles out of this! ''[hops on the couch and hugs Charles]'' Who came up with this dumb game anyway? :'''Lincoln''': Guys! We need to figure what we're going to do about this vase. Remember what happened the last few times it broke? :''[Flashback to Lincoln, in his Ace Savvy outfit, rappelling from the ceiling to nab the last slice of pizza from Lynn]'' :'''Lynn''': Nice try, Stinkoln. ''[hits him with the pizza box, flinging him into the vase and shattering it]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[opens the door, frantically]'' What happened? ''[notices the shattered vase and gasps]'' That was a wedding gift! ''[angrily to them]'' You're all grounded for the night! :''[Second flashback to Lynn, Lucy, and Luan in the twins' room]'' :'''Lynn''': ''[with her rear stuck inside the vase's neck]'' Told ya it would fit. ''[farts, letting the bottle fly away]'' :'''Rita''': ''[ducks as the vase flies out of the room and shatters; enraged]'' That was a wedding gift! You're all grounded for a week! :''[Third flashback]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[bursting in through the front door with chemicals]'' Hot chemicals coming through! ''[rushes past the vase, which starts wobbling, but rests; relieved]'' Phew. :'''Lana''': El Diablo, drop it! :''[El Diablo slithers past Lisa knocking the chemical out of her hands and destroying the vase with an explosion]'' :'''Rita and Lynn Sr.''': ''[gasp]'' Our wedding gift! :'''Rita''': ''[angrily]'' You guys are grounded for a month! :''[Back to present]'' :'''Lincoln''': If Mom and Dad find out we broke the vase again, we'll definitely be grounded for the whole year. :'''Luna''': Can't we just get rid of it? :'''Lynn''': ''[imitates buzzer]'' They'd notice. In case you haven't heard, it was a wedding gift. :'''Lucy''': That vase has been nothing but a pox on this house. :'''Lola''': Ugh! I wish Mom and Dad never got this heinous thing in the first place! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lisa''': Siblings, I figured out a way to save our collective gluteus maximi. A while back, I unlocked the secret of time travel. I swore to never use it again, but desperate times call for desperate measures. My plan is simple: I'll travel back to the day of Mom and Dad's wedding. There, I'll prevent our parental units from ever receiving the vase. In layman's terms, no vase, no grounding. Any questions? :'''Lynn''': ''[raises her hand]'' Yeah… I've got one, brainbox. Won't removing the vase affect the fabric of the space-time continuum? :'''Lisa''': Actually, that is a highly perceptive question. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lisa''': Behold! ''[the garage door is stuck]'' Aw, dang it. The door is stuck. Everyone, just crawl under… Ding-dang door ruining my reveal… ''[scoffs]'' :'''Leni''': So where's the time machine? :'''Lisa''': You're lookin' at it. :'''Lincoln''': You built a time machine? Out of Vanzilla? In seven minutes?! :'''Lisa''': Well, it's not like it was hard. All I needed was an alkaline-coated crankshaft and some plutonium. Mm-hmm. ''[rips off her shirt and pants to reveal a tuxedo]'' :'''Lola''': You even had time to get a tux?! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lisa''': How in Galileo's micrometer did you get here?! :'''Lincoln''': We snuck in the back seat when you weren't looking. You have terrible peripheral vision. :'''Lana''': We wanna help you with the mission! :'''Lola''': And I'm not one to miss a party. :'''Lisa''': Fine… Since you're here, you can help me find the vase. But remember, it's crucial that we get it, swap it, and get out without being seen. Let's roll! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lynn''': Mom and Dad are gonna feel pretty bad when they hear we had to- ''[feels the couch]'' This feels different. :'''Lola''': ''[gasps]'' That's 'cause it ''is'' different! Mom and Dad would never shell out for high-quality upholstery like this! :'''Lucy''': The blood- I mean, ketchup stains on the walls are gone. :'''Lana''': This carpet feels softer than normal. And where are all the mud stains? :'''Lori''': ''[sniffs]'' And it doesn't smell like Cliff's farts, or Lynn's. :'''Lynn''': ''[preparing to fart]'' Oh, I can fix that. :'''Lola''': ''[screaming from upstairs]'' What happened to my room?! My trophies! My headshots! Mr. Sprinkles! '''MY HEADSHOTS!!!''' :''[The siblings check to see the twins' bedroom, now into a gym room]'' :'''Lynn''': Why is your room full of gym equipment? <hr width="50%"> :'''Lisa''': Welp, it seems my hypothesis was correct. We've altered the course of history. ''[gulps]'' I'm afraid…'''''we don't exist!''''' :''[The other Loud siblings gasp; End of Act 1]'' :''[Beginning Act 2]'' :'''Lincoln''': What do you mean we don't exist? :'''Lisa''': We altered the timeline and erased our own existence. In this timeline, Mom and Dad never had kids. Huh. The question is why… Perhaps there is someone who could help us fill in the blanks. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lana''': Found a crankshaft! Ooh, also found this junkyard burrito. Double score! ''[surfs on a car door and lands on other trash while Lynn nabs the crankshaft and Chunk gets the burrito] :'''Alternative Chunk''': Brilliant. I just found me lunch. ''[eats the burrito]'' A bit o' bad news, though. I think your punk friend flew the coop. ''[points to the dropped guitar, which Luna has disappeared]'' :'''Lincoln''': Now Luna disappeared! :'''Lucy''': So did Leni. :'''Lisa''': Of course - they're disappearing in birth order. :'''Lynn''': We gotta move fast if we want to save the rest of us. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': Without me, Chandler took my spot in the friend group. <hr width="50%"> :'''Luan''': ''[sniffs]'' Ooh, smell that? Pet dander and farts! :'''Luna''': Look! There are pics of us on the wall! :'''Lincoln''': ''[checks the couch]'' Yes! The couch is sticky! What the…?! :'''Lisa''': Yeah! The timeline has been repaired! :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[off-screen]'' Kids, we're home! :''[Their parents enter with a pizza box]'' :'''Rita''': We picked up pizza for di- ''[she and Lynn Sr. gasp upon seeing the broken vase]'' You broke our vase again?! ''[The siblings all smile]'' And you're happy about it? :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[sternly]'' Ok, that is it! Everyone is grounded for two months! :'''Lincoln''': ''[as he and his sisters hug them]'' We'll stay home with you as long as you'd like. ==''Episode 13''== ===''Crashed Course (13.1)''=== ===''Puns and Buns (13.2)''=== :'''Andre''': Benjamin Stein, you may have just started working here, but I know greatness when I see it. I am promoting you to Assistant Manager of the Burpin' Burger. ''[puts a golden Burger necklace on around Benny's neck]'' :'''Benny''': Wow, the Golden Buns? Dreams do come true! :'''Andre''': You've earned it. You're always on time, your uniform is always clean. And you're the first person ''ever'' to organize the pickles…by size. :'''Benny''': Thank you, Andre. I'll teach you how to organize the pickles too, Otis. Once you've recovered from that accident with the burger sign. :''[Flashback to Otis' accident while dressed in a burger costume as he spins the sign, flinging it upwards and falls on him]'' :'''Andre''': And we all want you to get better soon. ''[hits Otis in the injured arm, making him cringe in pain]'' Especially me, because I have to fill in for you. :'''Benny''': No one wears the buns like you, boss. <hr width=50%> :'''Luan''': Well, I'd better take Mr. Coconuts home. We just used our savings on that hilarious soda bit. I miss spending time with you, Benny. Ever since Dairyland closed for the off season, I don't see you very much. ''[takes out her phone and shows Benny a photo of herself in her Heidi Heifer costume, unmasking herself in front of him and scaring him, causing him to knock the popcorn cart over]'' Remember how I'd sneak up on you and scare you, and you'd knock over your popcorn cart? ''[laughs]'' I missed that. :'''Benny''': ''[laughs]'' Classic us. I miss it, too. :'''Luan''': ''[gets an idea]'' Wait. Benny, why don't I just work here with you? Problem solved! :'''Benny''': I was just thinking that, too! But I don't know if Andre will go for it. He takes fast food very seriously. :'''Andre''': ''[now in the burger costume as he puts ketchup on as war paint]'' Be the burger, be the burger. Sesame seed bun! ''[charges out the door]'' :'''Luan''': You can convince him. He'll listen to you. :'''Benny''': You're right. I'm Assistant Manager now! :''[Outside the restaurant]'' :'''Andre''': Absolutely not. Luan, work here? Are you kidding? :'''Benny''': But sir, Otis is still injured and we could really use a little more help. Plus, she ''does'' have experience. Her family owns a restaurant. And she promised to leave Mr. Coconuts at home. :'''Andre''': Fine, but Luan is your responsibility. She can be your first assignment as assistant manager. :'''Benny''': Thanks, boss! You won't regret this! :'''Andre''': I hope not. :'''Benny''': ''[chuckles and heads back inside; clears throat, holding up a Burpin' Burger uniform in front of Luan]'' Welcome to the Burpin' Burger family, Luan! You start tomorrow! ==''Episode 14''== ===''Lights, Camera, Nuclear Reaction (14.1)''=== :'''Lincoln''': Todd, you were amazing! And the hologram effect Lisa installed was the coolest! ''[notices something]'' Todd? ''[passes through him, turning out he's a hologram; shocked]'' Ahh! :'''Todd''': ''[laughs]'' '''Got you, Lincoln. You should have seen the look on your face. Actually, I can show you. Playing memory from three seconds ago.''' ''[plays the memory and replays Lincoln's shock multiple times while zooming in on his face; laughs]'' '''Good times.''' <hr width=50%> :'''Lisa''': ''[enters the dining room, panting]'' Quick question, have you seen the nuclear reactor from yesterday's shoot? Uh, not to create any panic, but it's missing. And if it falls into the wrong hands… ''[chuckles nervously]'' it could potentially destroy Royal Woods. :'''Lincoln''': You mean that was real?! :'''Lisa''': You asked for screen accuracy, Lincoln. Anyway, if you stumble on a glowing, unstable nuclear reactor, let me know. :'''Lincoln''': You're in luck, Lisa. Where there's evil in the world, there's only one secret agent who can stop it, and his name is- :'''Clyde''': Um, Lincoln, Lisa already left. :'''Lincoln''': ''[sighs]'' Agent David Steele. We're coming up to help, Lis! <hr width=50%> :'''Todd''': '''So glad you could make it, Mr. Steele and friends.''' :'''Lincoln''': This isn't you, Todd! It's the villain switch talking! Look, we're going to slowly come over and turn it off, OK? :'''Todd''': ''[presses a button and traps the three in a net]'' '''Sorry, Agent Steele. That won't be happening, and now you can all watch annihilate Royal Woods. Oh, and one last thing.''' ''[removes the villain switch to their horror]'' '''Now I'll be in villain mode forever.''' ''[laughs]'' '''You should see your faces. Actually, I can show you. Playing memory from three seconds ago.''' ''[plays and replays the memory of them gasping]'' ===''Food Courting (14.2)''=== :'''Miguel''': Leni, you ready for lunch? :'''Leni''': Definitely. How 'bout Spaghetti on a Stick? I'm craving skewered noodles. :'''Miguel''': Uh, sure, but, let's go to the Spaghetti on a Stick across town, or maybe one in a different town. I hear you get free marinara in Hazeltucky. :'''Leni''': That's silly, it's right there. Come on. <hr width=50%> :'''Gavin''': Welcome to Spaghetti on a Stick. How can I help you today? :'''Miguel''': ''[sweating nervously]'' Uh, nice boats. Are those shoes fresh? Boy, that episode of ''The Dream Sauce,'' huh? ''[Gavin stares confusingly at him; rushes off embarrassingly, and bumps into a man in lederhosen, getting sauerkraut in his eyes]'' AHH! SAUERKRAUT IN MY EYE! :'''Leni''': Don't worry, we are not giving up. ''[sniffs]'' And sauerkraut is actually a good scent on you. <hr width=50%> :'''Gavin''': Hey, Miguel! Looking stylish as usual. :'''Leni''': ''[through radio microphone]'' ''Thanks. What can you tell me about the rigatoni today?'' :'''Miguel''': Uh--uh, thanks. What can you tell me about the rigatoni today? :'''Gavin''': Excellent question! The pasta is fresh from Sicily. Well, Sicily, Michigan, but still. So, can I put in an order from you? :'''Scoots''': ''[interrupting]'' Quit daydreaming, blondie, and ring these up. :'''Leni''': One moment, please. :'''Miguel''': ''[in the exact same tone and posture]'' One moment, please. :'''Gavin''': I get it, choosing the right pasta takes time. :'''Miguel''': I'm gonna have to ask you to calm down and step back, please. :'''Leni''': ''[being bothered at Scoots waving the pants in her face]'' I said, step back, please! :'''Scoots''': And ''I'' said, I've waited long enough! :'''Gavin''': Uh, Miguel? Is everything all right? :'''Miguel''': ''[laughs nervously and runs off before slipping and falling into the fountain; Felix offers him a washcloth]'' Oh, thanks, Felix. :'''Leni''': ''[while being chased by Scoots]'' SECURITY! :'''Scoots''': ''[angrily chasing after her]'' Get back here, blondie! <hr width=50%> :'''Leni''': Gavin, what a surprise. :'''Gavin''': Oh. Hey, Leni. Hey, Miguel. :'''Leni''': Miguel, look, it's Gavin! :'''Miguel''': ''[awkwardly snapping out of it]'' Grey! Sorry. I started to say "greetings", but then I switched it to "hey." Ugh! ==''Episode 15''== ===''Save the Last Pants (15.1)''=== ===''A Stella Performance (15.2)''=== ==''Episode 16''== ===''Hiccups and Downs (16.1)''=== :'''Leni''': Wow. I've never heard a guitar make that sound before. :'''Lisa''': Negatory. It would appear Luna is having involuntary contractions of the diaphragm. Street name: hiccups, brought on by all of her excitement. They'll cease in no time. <hr width=50%> :'''Luna''': The Rumble's tonight, and there's no way I can sing like this! What am I gonna- ''[hiccups]'' -do?! :'''Lisa''': ''[gasps]'' I know what would cure those: an anti-hiccup elixir. Yeah, if only someone would invent one. :'''Luna''': ''[hiccups]'' Come on, sibs. One of you has to know how to get rid of my- ''[hiccups and falls to the floor, surrounded by the spilled food]'' Please, you've gotta help me! :'''Luan''': Aw, Luna. You know we're ''"hicc-up"'' for it, but first things first… ''[grabs a fork; to her siblings]'' Everybody, hurry and eat while she's down! ===''The Loathe Boat (16.2)''=== ==''Episode 17''== ===''Stroke of Luck (17.1)''=== ===''My Cheer Lady (17.2)''=== ==''Episode 18''== ===''Space Jammed (18.1)''=== ===''Crown and Dirty (18.2)''=== ==''Episode 19''== ===''The Orchid Grief (19.1)''=== ===''Forks and Knives Out (19.2)''=== ==''Episode 20''== ===''The Loud Cloud (20.1)''=== ===''You Auto Know Better (20.2)''=== ==''Unnamed Halloween Special (Episode 21)''== ==''Episode 22''== ===''Pop Pop the Question (22.1)''=== ===''Lynn and Order (22.2)''=== ==''Episode 23''== ===''Snow Escape (23.1)''=== ===''Snow News Day (23.2)''=== ==''Episode 24''== ===''Day of the Dad (24.1)''=== ===''Small Blunder (24.2)''=== ==''Episode 25''== ===''Fashion No Show (25.1)''=== ===''Doom Service (25.2)''=== ==''Episode 26''== ===''The Hurt Lockers (26.1)''=== ===''Love Stinks (26.2)''=== tp03ftuh8pmq9wxyp5mnboo2ibpbshj 3157891 3157890 2022-08-25T17:04:02Z 162.197.99.132 /* Eye Can't (7.2) */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[The Loud House/Season 1|1]] [[The Loud House/Season 2|2]] [[The Loud House/Season 3|3]] [[The Loud House/Season 4|4]] [[The Loud House/Season 5|5]] [[The Loud House/Season 6|6]] ([[The Loud House|Main]]) | '''[[The Casagrandes|Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]]) ---- '''''{{w|The Loud House}}''''' (2016–present) is an American [[w:animated television series|animated television series]] created by [[w:Chris Savino|Chris Savino]] for [[w:Nickelodeon|Nickelodeon]]. The series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of an accident-prone boy named Lincoln Loud, who survives as the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children. ==''Episode 1''== ===''Present Danger (1.1)''=== :'''Gus''': Lincoln! Bravo, buddy, but you gotta get off the table. :'''Customer''': You have ruined my wife's garlic knots! :'''Lincoln''': Sorry! ''[gets off the table; to the viewers]'' Well, today's a really big day. It's my 12th birthday! Feels like I've been 11 forever, so this year, I'm doing it in style. David Steele-style. I asked all my friends to come to Gus's dressed as their favorite MALICE villains. You have Golden Toe, Blowfish, Odd Bob, and Patty Whack. So far, it's been great. One moment… Nothing but net. And now that we've finished playing Agents and MALICE, it's time for… :'''Rita''': Presents! :'''Lincoln''': Yes! :'''Liam''': Wahoo! :'''Zach''': Rusty, the invitation said only Lincoln was supposed to dress up as David Steele. :'''Rusty''': Sorry, dude. It's not my fault I look amazing in a tuxedo. Besides, check out the Loud seniors. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lynn Sr.''': Well, thanks for coming, everyone. Today is a special day for a special- ''[notices his dad crying]'' Dad, you know if you cry, I'm gonna- ''[he and Leonard both break down sobbing in each other's arms]'' :'''Rita''': Lincoln, I think what your dad was ''trying'' to say is that 12 is a Loud family landmark. He and Gramps have a special present for you. Your great-grandfather gave it to Gramps when he was 12, and Gramps gave it to ''your'' dad when ''he'' was 12. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': Room for one more? :'''Scoots''': Doesn't look like there's room for one more. Because of your dang party, I'm stuck with these two bozos at the loaner's table. :'''Flip''': Hey, you ain't no picnic yourself there, lady! ''[eats the pizza]'' :'''Chandler''': What do you want there anyway, Lincoln Lame? :'''Lincoln''': ''[takes a seat]'' Someone nabbed one of my birthday presents, and I think one of you is the culprit. ''[takes out a deck of cards]'' The game is Go Fish. If I win, you have to turn out your pockets. :'''Chandler''': And what's in it for us? :'''Lincoln''': If you win, you get to keep all my… ''[close-up on his face] Presents.'' So, are you feeling lucky? :'''Chandler''': You're on! ===''Stressed for the Part (1.2)''=== :'''Luan''': ''[practicing her moos]'' Moo! Moo! ''[falsetto]'' Moooo! :'''Mr. Coconuts''': Nah, toots. That's too Holstein. Go lower into your Jersey range. :'''Luan''': Oh, Mr. Coconuts, I can't wait to tell Mrs. Bernardo I got the part! :'''Mr. Coconuts''': She'll be over the moooon, toots! :'''Luan''': Aww. :''[Suddenly Mrs. Bernardo walks in with her makeup running]'' ==''Episode 2''== ===''Don't Escar-go (2.1)''=== :'''Lincoln''': So, what's the occasion, Clyde? :'''Zach''': Yeah, are you buttering us up for something? :'''Clyde''': Ok, here goes. The reason I created this ''Célébration de'' Friendship Brunch is because, I've got some big news. It all started last night… :''[Flashback to earlier, getting a phone call]'' :'''Howard''': Clyde, can you get that? And please be careful. That phone is older than our 1930's Dust Bowl glasses. :'''Clyde''': ''[picks up the phone and answers]'' Hello? :'''Nana Gayle''': ''[calling on the other end from Sunset Canyon]'' Clyde, it's Nana Gayle. Ooh, I've got big news. My best friend, Fleur DuPont, just came to town for a surprise visit. She happens to be the dean of one of the finest cooking academies in the world. :'''Clyde''': I know that academy! It's nearly impossible to get in. They wouldn't even let the Queen of England in. Granted, I've heard her sponge cake is dry- :'''Nana Gayle''': Clyde, get your buns over here! And bring your baked goods, too! If Fleur tries them, oh, she's sure to let you in. :''[Clyde hangs up happily; back to the present]'' :'''Zach''': So, what happened? :'''Clyde''': She loved everything I made! In fact, Dean DuPont said I just have to pass one last exam tonight. I have to cook her an entire dinner. If I nail it, I'll be into the academy! :'''Stella''': Yeah! :'''Lincoln''': Yeah! :'''Rusty''': Yeah, alright! ''[Clyde starts sniffing]'' Clyde, what's wrong? :'''Clyde''': ''[sniffs]'' There's only one drawback: The school's in… Paris. :'''Lincoln''': ''[despaired]'' NOOOOOOOOO! ''[collapses]'' :'''Liam''': Aww, it's happening again. Clyde's leaving us, just like when Lincoln done went to Canada. :'''Clyde''': Let's not lose our heads here. I'm not 1,000% sure I'm going yet. They might not even pick me. :'''Rusty''': Your food is divine. Of course you'll get in. :'''Clyde''': I'll miss you guys like crazy, but this is an incredible opportunity. Where else could I learn to cook ''sole meunière, concombre a la menthe, escargot--'' :'''Lincoln''': ''[brushes the imagination aside]'' Wait, Clyde. What if you could learn to cook all those things here in Royal Woods? I know someone who can teach you. Then we wouldn't lose you. :'''Rusty''': Ooh, give it a try, Clyde. Please? :'''Stella''': Yeah, we're your crew, table 10 at lunch, the Action News Team! We have to stick together. :'''Clyde''': But who are you thinking could teach me? :'''Lincoln''': I know just the guy. <hr width="50%"> :''[Royal Woods Middle School cafeteria; the gang talks to Chef Pat]'' :'''Stella''': Chef Pat, do you know anything about French cooking? :'''Chef Pat''': Pfft, I know everything. I used to be the head chef on a 60-foot yacht off the French Riviera. Here. ''[takes a buckwheat galette out of her hair net]'' Try a nutty buckwheat galette. :'''Zach''': Nutty. Smooth. So why do you cook sloppy joes all the time? :'''Chef Pat''': 'Cause that's what you kids like. ''[walks into the kitchen]'' :'''Lincoln''': Chet Pat, you ''have'' to teach Clyde all about French cooking, or else he's moving to Paris. ''[slides on his knees; begging]'' Please! :'''Chef Pat''': Hmm. That's a lot to ask, but I'll do it, on one condition. While I'm with Clyde, you guys gotta take care of my niece, Waffles. If she tries to bite you, give her waffles. They calm her down. ===''Double Trouble (2.2)''=== :''[The Loud twin sisters arrive at Auntie Pam's contest for all the twins of Royal Woods]'' :'''Lola''': First rule of any contest: Know your enemy, and you can never lose. Who's gonna be our biggest threat? :'''Lana''': Mr. Grouse and Flip? :'''Lola''': ''[screeches her jeep to a stop]'' Um, what are you two trying to pull? You're not even related! :'''Mr. Grouse''': What? You don't see the resemblance? ''[he and Flip both tug their mustaches]'' :'''Flip''': Ooh, it's in the flavor savers. ''[they both walk away, chuckling]'' :'''Lola''': Ugh. :'''Lana''': And what's Liam doing here? :'''Liam''': ''[to his twin goats]'' Okay, fellers, eye of the tiger. :'''Lola''': His twins aren't even human! :'''Liam''': Huh? They got every right to be here. :'''Scoots''': ''[honks and pulls up]'' Uh, anyone seen my twin sister Mopes? She looks just like me, except for she's on a moped. ''[drives off]'' :'''Lola''': No way Scoots has a twin! The universe would never be so cruel. :'''Mopes''': ''[pulls up]'' Anyone seen my twin sister Scoots? She looks just like me, except for she's on a scooter. ''[drives off]'' :'''Lola''': Okay, Scoots' sister is obviously just her in a wig. This contest is going to be an ice cream cake walk. :'''Lana''': Yeah, we're the only ''real'' twins here. :'''Cheryl''': ''[showing up with Meryl]'' Stop the presses! 'Cause Cheryl… :'''Meryl''': And Meryl… :'''Both''': Have arrived! :'''Cheryl''': Sorry for being tardy, y'all. We may have gotten sucked into an episode of our favorite soap opera, "Southern Hospitality." :'''Auntie Pam''': ''[blowing her whistle]'' Alrighty, who's ready to twin it up? Let's get this competition started! <hr width="50%"> :'''Auntie Pam''': ''[sees Liam's twin goats fighting; blowing her whistle]'' Disqualified! :'''Liam''': Disqualified? For what? :'''Auntie Pam''': ''[pulls out a contract]'' Violation of Auntie Pam's Double Trouble Contract. I can't have my twins fighting. They need to be united. <hr width="50%"> :''[As the Double Trouble contest comes to an end at sunset…]'' :'''Auntie Pam''': Our two final teams are Cheryl and Meryl, and Lola and Lana. And now for the big moment. Our Double Trouble twins and winners of a lifetime supply of ice cream are…lo and behold, Cheryl and Meryl! :''[Cheryl and Meryl gasp and squeal in delight over winning; The Loud twins sigh in disappointment and drive back home]'' :'''Lola''': It's not fair! That crown and ice cream should be ''ours!'' ''[gasps and screeches her jeep to a stop as she and Lana see Liam's twin goats fighting over his shirt]'' :'''Liam''': ''[bursts out of a bush, going after them]'' Hey, wait up, fellers! :'''Lana''': At least we didn't get disqualified for fighting, right? :'''Lola''': ''[gets an idea]'' Fight clause. Lana, maybe there's a way we can ''still'' win! Cheryl and Meryl just need to start bickering, and Auntie Pam will make ''us'' the Double Trouble twins! :'''Lana''': But how do we know they'll fight? :'''Lola''': 'Cause you and I are going to ''make'' them. :''[Next day at elementary school; Lana is walking with Cheryl on their snack break]'' :'''Lana''': Thanks for the snack break, Cheryl. :'''Cheryl''': My pleasure, sugar. :'''Lana''': I've never heard a person talk as much as Cheryl. She said, like, a gazillion sentences, and they all started with "sugar." :'''Lola''': Does that mean you got the scoop on how to split up her and Meryl? :'''Lana''': It won't be easy. Those two are ''tight.'' They eat ice cream together every night. They watch ''all'' the same TV shows, like "Southern Hospitality." They even double-date with their boyfriends. :'''Lola''': ''[thinking]'' Hmm, I can work with all that. <hr width="50%"> :'''Cheryl''': ''[screams as she slips in the melted ice cream and falls on her back; angrily]'' Meryl, did you spill the ice cream?! Now we got a dairy river the size of the Mississippi on our floor! :'''Meryl''': ''[miffed]'' Don't blame me, I didn't do it! :''[They growl angrily at each other]'' :'''Cheryl''': Well, no use cryin' over spilled ice cream. We got plenty more in the backup freezer. :'''Lola''': ''[disappointed]'' Ugh! <hr width="50%"> :'''Meryl''': ''[answers the telephone]'' Yello, Che-Meryl residence. You got Meryl. :'''Lola''': ''[impersonating Cheryl]'' Hey, sugar, it's me, your sister. :'''Meryl''': Hey, sugar. :'''Lola''': I'm in a bit of a pickle here at school. Huggins has a bee in his office. Actually, a ''lot'' of bees. :'''Lana''': ''[hold a jar of bees]'' Come home safe, my babies. ''[takes the jar lid off, releasing the bees]'' :'''Lola''': I'm fixing to be here awhile. You should go ahead and watch the season finale of "Southern Hospitality" without me. :'''Meryl''': What? Well, that don't sound like you at all! You serious about this? :'''Lola''': As serious as a hoedown. :'''Meryl''': Ooh, that is serious. And I am chompin' at the bit to find out this pie thief. Ooh, okay. I'll watch. :''[The Loud twins high five as they hear Cheryl and Principal Huggins running away from the bees]'' :'''Cheryl''': ''[screaming]'' Run, Huggins! They think my beehive is ''their'' beehive! :''[Cheryl and Meryl's apartment, evening; Meryl is watching the season finale, sobbing while blowing her nose]'' :'''Cheryl''': ''[enters the apartment, covered in bee stings]'' Ooh, boy, did I have a dickens of a day. ''[realizes]'' And are you watching the "Southern Hospitality" finale without me? :'''Meryl''': Uh, you called and told me to. :'''Cheryl''': That is a backhoe of lies! I think I would remember something like that! :'''Meryl''': You calling me a fibber?! :'''Cheryl''': If the kitten heel fits! :'''Meryl''': How dare you?! :'''Cheryl''': Hmph! ''[turns around]'' :'''Meryl''': Oh, and BTDubs, Wayland is the pie thief! ''[blows her nose as her sister gasps in horror at the spoilers, and they both go their separate ways]'' :''[The Loud twins smirk at each other while watching]'' :''[Next day at Auntie Pam's parlor; Cheryl and Meryl are still angry with each other during the unveiling of the Double Trouble sundae]'' :'''Auntie Pam''': Welcome all to the debut of our Double Trouble sundae. Exciting, isn't it, Double Trouble twins? ''[takes out the ceremonial scissors]'' Who wants to cut the ribbon? :'''Meryl''': ''[takes the scissors]'' ''I'll'' do it. :'''Cheryl''': I'm surprised you haven't already done it without me, you low-down pie thief spoiler! :'''Meryl''': ''[spitefully cuts her sister's hair with the scissors as the crowd gasps]'' Oops. :'''Auntie Pam''': ''[gasps]'' Ok, ladies, settle down. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lana''': The sign-up line for our Unlimited Double Trouble ice cream party starts here! :'''Lola''': And remember, it's VIPs only. :'''Cheryl''': ''[over P.A.; upset]'' Morning… ''[sobbing]'' Roosters. Today's lunch will be two identical twin fish sticks! Sorry, Principal Huggins, it's just that Meryl is ''gone!'' ''[sobbing hysterically; the Loud twins rush over investigating as Principal Huggins comforts her]'' After our tussle at Auntie Pam's parlor, we was both madder than wet hens, so this morning, Meryl packed up her stuff and left for the bus station! ''[Lola and Lana look even more guilty for what they have both done as she continues sobbing]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Meryl''': What is ''she'' doing here? :'''Lola''': Look, Meryl, if you want to be mad someone, be mad at us. :'''Lana''': Yeah, we wanted ice cream so bad, we tricked you two into fighting. :''[Cheryl and Meryl gasp upon hearing this]'' :'''Lola''': It was stupid, and we feel so terrible. If anyone knows how much twins need each other, it's us. :'''Lana''': Yeah, you can't leave, Meryl. Twins gotta stick together. :'''Meryl''': ''[looks down at her twin, smiles back]'' Well, I guess I could stay. After all, you ''are'' the soft serve to my waffle cone. :'''Cheryl''': ''[squeals and hops into her twin's arms]'' We gotta celebrate our reunion! :''[Auntie Pam's; the two pair of twins are all enjoying their ice cream]'' :'''Lola''': You know, you should throw more twin soirees. :'''Scoots''': ''[drives in]'' I heard about the twin party. Guess our invite got lost in the mail. :'''Lola''': Spare us, Scoots. We know your "sister," Mopes, isn't real. :'''Mopes''': ''[showing up in the flesh]'' What are you lookie-loos staring at? :'''Scoots''': You never seen twins before? ==''Episode 3''== ===''Flip This Flip (3.1)''=== :'''Lincoln''': Um, what's going on? :''[Nacho chitters while pointing at the label of Gobblesworth Farm, swooning over it, and makes smooching noises]'' :'''Lana''': OK, from what I understand- my raccoon's a little rusty- the lady on the framed turkey label is Flip's old middle school crush, um… Tommy Hogglesfort? :'''Flip''': Tammy Gobblesworth! ''[sighs]'' My one true love. I always thought she and I would eat food off of other people's plates together forever. ''[flashback to the middle school Christmas dance]'' But then I got locked out of the school dance and missed my one shot to impress her! ''[collapses after the flashback fades back to the present]'' :''[Nacho chitters more while pointing at the label and pantomime acts like a chicken]'' :'''Lana''': ''[translating]'' Ever since Flip found the label, he's been attempting to call and ask her to dinner, but he keeps chickening out. :'''Flip''': ''[popping up]'' Hey, chickening out is a bit harsh. :'''Lincoln''': Flip, you can totally do this. There's nothing to be afraid of. :'''Lana''': Yeah. You're Flip Phillipini. You're a legend! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': Welcome to Flip This Flip, where we take people that are complete disasters and make them shiny and new. Let's meet our panel of experts. :'''Lana''': Lana: Hygiene. :'''Leni''': Leni: Fashion. :'''Lola''': Lola: Etiquette. :'''Lisa''': Lisa: Interesting Conversation. :'''Lincoln''': Lincoln: Transportation. What? You guys took all the good categories. <hr width="50%"> :'''Flip''': You did your best, Loudsters. I blew it with Tammy. :'''Lana''': ''[gasps]'' Blew it. Yes! ''[inhales and blows the French horn, sending Flip flying in the air with his outfit coming off, and slides on the floor in front of Tammy]'' :'''Tammy''': Oh, Phillip, are you okay? And where are your pants? :'''Flip''': I gotta level with you, Tammy. Uh, I'm not a fancy tuxedo-wearing guy who oozes sophistication. The only thing I ooze is nacho cheese. Seriously, my sweat's orange. I was only trying to impress you 'cause you're so classy and glamorous. I'm not classy, I'm just gassy. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers while peddling]'' Next time, I'm hiring a limo. ===''Haunted House Call (3.2)''=== :'''Lucy''': Okay, salespeople, normies love cheerfulness. Let's see those smiles. ''[The other Morticians make weird creepy smiles on their faces]'' Forget the smiles. ''[rings the doorbell as Mr. Grouse answers the door]'' Gloomy morning, Mr. Grouse. Would you be interested in buying some homemade eyeball pops? :'''Persephone''': We're raising money to attend Casket Con this weekend. :'''Morpheus''': They'll be unveiling the new Model C casket from Caskets R Us. It hovers, thereby totally removing the need for polders. :'''Boris''': We're running a special. Four eyeball pops for the price of three. :'''Mr. Grouse''': Not now, creepy Loud and you creepy friends. I've got my own problem. I can't catch my couch to take a nap! :''[Inside the house, his furniture is floating]'' :'''Dante''': Oh, yeah. That's a ghost problem. :'''Mr. Grouse''': What was your first clue? When my loveseat walked itself into the kitchen? <hr width="50%"> :'''Lucy''': Good morrow. Are you haunted by a specter? :'''Morticians''': ♪ If a ghost is haunting you / And you have no clue what to do ♪ :'''Dante''': ''[dressed in a bedsheet while hanging]'' ♪ Don't just stand and scream ♪ ''[bumps into the camera]'' :'''Morticians''': ♪ Call the number on your screen ♪ :'''Lucy''': And now, we wait for customers. <hr width="50%"> :'''Rodney''': It's destroying my clothing and spilling my most expensive cologne: Night Sweat! You have to help me! :'''Lucy''': Ghost, reveal yourself. ''[A ghost dude, wearing a tuxedo T-shirt reveals himself]'' Spirit, what is your unfinished business here? :'''Dude Ghost''': I was supposed to be buried in a real tux, but this joker put me in a tuxedo T-shirt! I want a refund! :'''Rodney''': No refunds! Besides, your order form just said tuxedo, so I went with our casual package. :'''Dude Ghost''': I can't cross over in this! I'll be laughed out of the afterlife! :'''Rodney''': Hmph! :'''Haiku''': What about an exchange? :''[Later, Rodney has dressed the ghost dude in a genuine tuxedo]'' :'''Dude Ghost''': Now this is what I'm talking about. :'''Rodney''': And here's your complementary bottle of Night Sweat! :'''Dude Ghost''': ''[flinches in disgust]'' Yeah, I'm good. <hr width="50%"> :'''Liam''': ''[as donkey Dolly's ghostly spirit reveals herself; gasps]'' It's Mee-Maw's prized donkey, Dolly. :'''Persephone''': Do you know why Dolly is haunting you? :'''Liam''': I do. I once broke our fence mud-wrestling with Virginia. And then, blamed it on Dolly. ''[Dolly brays angrily]'' I know. Ain't a moment I'm too proud of. Dolly, I'm gonna make this right. ''[walks into his house; off-screen]'' Brace yourself, Mee-Maw. You're about to be madder than a wet peacock. <hr width="50%"> :''[Cheryl and Meryl's apartment; The TV is changing the channel back and forth from "Southern Hospitality" to "Hipster Island"]'' :'''Cheryl''': Somethin' keeps changing our channel. And we're missing the season finale of "Southern Hospitality!" :'''Lucy''': This is ''definitely'' the work of a ghost. Spirit, show yourself. :''[The ghostly spirit of a hipster appears, sitting next to the twins as they gasp]'' :'''Hipster Ghost''': This used to be my pad, brahs. And I need to find out who rid "Hipster Island." :'''Cheryl''': I use bra pads, too. But we gotta see if Sue Ellen chooses Brad or his evil twin, Chad. :'''Lucy''': You could ''always'' record "Southern Hospitality", and watch it later. :'''Cheryl''': Well, we'll have to delete some of our crime shows, but, it's a deal. Make yourself comfy, I'll be right back with three bowls of ice cream. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lucy''': Nice doing business with you. Let's get you back to the portal and-- :'''Buzz''': Change of plans: Turns out, haunting people is the bee's knees. :'''Persephone''': But what about the afterlife? :'''Buzz''': Overrating. Later! ''[flies away]'' :'''Persephone''': Buzz is going to terrorize all of Royal Woods if we don't stop him. :'''Haiku''': But Casket Con's only open for another hour. We're going to miss the unveiling of the Model C. :'''Lucy''': Sigh. We created this mess, so we need to clean it up. ==''Save Royal Woods! (Episode 4)''== :'''Lincoln''': ''[speaks to the crowd in the microphone, through Todd's megaphones]'' Hey, everyone. If I could have your attention. ''[the crowd catches their attention]'' Maybe Royal Woods ''is'' forgettable, but it doesn't have to stay that way. We could have something like those other towns, something to put us on the map. :'''Clyde''': Then Joyce wouldn't flood our town. Lincoln, that's brilliant! But what could we create that would make Royal Woods seem memorable? :'''Lincoln''': I bet if we put our heads together, we can come up with something amazing. So who's ready to save our town? :''[The crowd cheers in agreement; Next day, Mayor Davis gives Lincoln a button reading '''"Honorary Jr. Mayor"''']'' :'''Lincoln''': Whoa. "Honorary Jr. Mayor?" Thanks, Mayor Davis. :'''Mayor Davis''': It's the least I can do since you're helping to save the town. :'''Lincoln''': So do I get to play your keyboard? :'''Mayor Davis''': ''[plays buzzing sound on her keyboard, sternly]'' Don't push it, kid. ''[cheerfully]'' OK, time to hear ideas to save Royal Woods. <hr width=50%> :'''Lincoln''': Undersecretary Crandall, thanks for coming. :'''Joyce''': I hope this is good. I had to leave a meeting to pick the fish to stock Lake Gladys with. Spoiler alert: We are definitely leaning toward carp. :'''Mayor Davis''': Actually, we think you might just change your mind about flooding your town. :'''Joyce''': I'm sorry, but like I told you before, there is nothing that can cha-- ''[notices the giant Flippee; shocked]'' That's-that's… :'''Albert''': The world's largest Flippee! HA! What do you think about them apples, huh? To be clear, it's not apple. It's actually sparkle berry cherry. :'''Joyce''': Well, it is as big as the frying pan and less dangerous than the piranhas. Ugh, I guess there's no way we can put a lake here now. The flooding is off. :''[All the citizens cheers when the giant Flippee suddenly starts shaking]'' :'''Citizens''': What's happening?! :'''Lincoln''': Flip, what's going on?! :'''Flip''': ''[sheepishly nervous]'' Uh, hey, Flippee syrup ain't cheap. I figured no one would drink it. :'''Lola''': ''[seizes Flip by the collar, angrily]'' What did you do, old man?! :'''Flip''': I may have swapped the syrup with some expired gasoline that wasn't selling. Is that really so bad? :'''Lisa''': Short answer, yes. The gasoline is adversely reacting with my hyper-freeze additive, causing an accelerated release of energy, resulting in expanded volume. :'''Todd''': '''In layman's terms, it's gonna blow.''' :''[The giant Flippee explodes and covers everyone]'' :'''Joyce''': ''[fuming with rage]'' I will be back tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. with the demolition team! Royal Woods is history. ''[the giant Flippee tips over off the gas station, and destroys her car]'' YOU CRUSHED MY CAR! ''[screams as she notices something else]'' Donna! ''[angrily to the citizens]'' Make that 9:00 a.m.! ''GOODBYE, ROYAL WOODS!'' ''[storms off with fury]'' :''[End of Act 1; Beginning Act 2]'' :'''Flip''': ''[breaks down, sobbing]'' I'm sorry, everyone. The world's largest Flippee flopped! ''[Nacho chitters accusatively at him]'' Of course I regret using expired gas, Nacho! How can you ask me that?! :'''Lincoln''': Wait! Everyone! I have a new idea that might save our town! Where's Todd? :'''Todd''': '''I believe you, Lincoln.''' ''[starts chanting]'' '''Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln, Linc-''' ''[realizes everyone staring in confusion]'' '''Oh. We're not doing that?''' ''[deploys his PA system]'' :'''Lincoln''': ''[through microphone]'' Undersecretary Crandall said Royal Woods is history. :'''Flip''': Why would you remind us of that?! :'''Lincoln''': What if Royal Woods did have some kind of important history? Then she couldn't flood us. :'''Lisa''': Elder brother, might I remind you that Royal Woods has no interesting history? We were named after an oak tree. ''[points to an old oak tree commemorated with a plaque as a branch falls off]'' That one. :'''Lincoln''': I know, but Undersecretary Crandall doesn't. Royal Woods has the word "royal" in it. Maybe there's something there. I know we'd be making up a big lie, but it's the only way to save our town. <hr width=50%> :'''Joyce''': ''[notices something off]'' Huh? What's this? :'''Lincoln''': No, actually, we need that back. It's on loan from the, uh, Royal Woods Museum. :'''Joyce''': Not so fast, kid. Hmm… ''[reading on the crown]'' '''"Lola Loud, Little Miss Crowning Achievement?"''' ''[gasps]'' You all made this whole thing up! King George never came through here! :'''Lola''': ''[chuckles sheepishly as she takes her crown back]'' I'll take that. :'''Joyce''': ''[groans angrily; on walkie-talkie]'' Bring that wrecking ball! We've got a sixth Great Lake to make. :'''Luan''': I guess it's time to say goodbye to Royal Woods. <hr width=50%> :'''Joyce''': ''[hopping out of the roller]'' That was a beautiful song, but I'm still going to bust this dam and flood you. :'''Lincoln''': What?! :'''Demolition Worker #1''': Well, we're not! That kid with the white hair is right! This town ''is'' special, and so is my town! :'''Demolition Worker #2''': And so is mine. No town deserves to be flooded by you. Get your promotion some other way, Crandall. We don't want a sixth lake. :'''Joyce''': ''[groans in annoyance]'' You bunch of babies! Ugh! ''[heads back into the roller]'' Come on, Donna, we'll do it ourselves. :'''Lola''': I don't know. Might not be the best look to flood a precious small town on live television. :'''Katherine''': This is Katherine Mulligan, covering the destruction of my town in HD- :'''Joyce''': ''[yanks Katherine away from the camera; chuckles nervously]'' I mean, I would never flood this beautiful town. ''[waves]'' Hi, Mom, happy birthday! :'''Todd''': ''[offering her a phone]'' '''Call for you.''' :'''Oversecretary''': ''[on phone]'' ''Joyce, this is the Oversecretary. I saw everything. Bulldozing a perfectly good town on live TV? '''YOU'RE FIRED!''' :''[Joyce screams in despair after being fired from her job]'' :'''Todd''': ''[pats Joyce on the back, comforting her]'' '''There, there.''' :'''Joyce''': Don't touch me. :'''Lincoln''': We did it! Royal Woods is saved! :''[Everyone cheers]'' :'''Lynn''': You did it, Stinkin'! :'''Leni''': OMGosh, Lincoln, you're a hero. :'''Mr. Grouse''': Yeah, thanks, Loud. Way to go. :'''Lincoln''': I'm just glad we can all stay. 'Cause… :'''Citizens''': ''[singing again]'' ♪ We're right, we're right, we're right where we belong (Ba-ba-da-) ♪ :'''Joyce''': ''[angrily interrupting]'' PUT A CORK IN IT! ''[groans]'' WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE AND YOUR IMPROMPTU SINGING?! ''[growling as she leaves]'' :'''Citizens''': ''[finishing up]'' ♪ We're right where we belong! ♪ ==''Episode 5''== ===''The Taunting Hour (5.1)''=== :''[Evening at the Loud House; The criticized Louds burst through the front door, and begin berating Lincoln]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, he is in for it! :'''Lola''': There he is! :''[Lincoln screams as the couch tips over and himself]'' :'''Luna''': Why'd you have to tell us about our haters, dude?! :'''Lisa''': Now we're ''all'' freezing up! :'''Lincoln''': Look, I'm sorry I told you guys about your critics. I was just only trying to help Lynn. :'''Lynn''': ''[irately punches a hole in the door]'' STINKOLN! :'''Lincoln''': ''[nervously]'' I hope that's a happy "Stinkoln". :'''Lynn''': Your dumb "cure" ''DIDN'T'' cure me! Scoots heckled me some more and now I've got emu legs again! Wasn't even at a game. It was at the mall food court! :'''Lincoln''': Lynn, why are you paying attention to Scoots? Why are ''any'' of you paying attention to those people? It doesn't matter what they say. :'''Mr. Coconuts''': It's easy for you to say! You don't have to deal with it! :'''Lola''': You just go around ruining lives! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lynn''': Dude, that Chandler's a real jerk. :'''Lincoln''': Yeah, he is. ''[jumps off the sofa]'' But he doesn't bother me, and that's the whole point. I mean, at first he really got to me, but the more I ignored him, the easier it got. Plus, why should I care what he has to say? I'm doing what I love, and that's all that matters. :'''Rita''': And if you can handle Chandler, I think we can handle our critics. Right, everyone? :'''Luna''': Totally. :'''Lynn Sr.''': Yeah, I guess so. :'''Mr. Grouse''': Hey, Loud! :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[puts his fingers in his ears]'' Ah, I can't hear you, Grouse! :'''Mr. Grouse''': I was just going to tell you- :'''Lynn Sr.''': I'm blocking out the haters! ''[starts singing]'' ♪ La la la la- ♪ :'''Mr. Grouse''': You forgot to put on the parking brake again. :''[Lynn Sr.'s eyes widen in horror; Outside, Vanzilla starts rolling backwards]'' :'''Kids''': Dad, Vanzilla! :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[chases after his van and screams]'' BABY, PLEASE COME BACK! I'M SO SORRY!!! ===''Musical Chairs (5.2)''=== :''[Lincoln feels dejected after getting to change to another seat in Mr. Bolhofner's class at lunchtime]'' :'''Clyde''': What's wrong, Lincoln? You've barely touched the cheesecake bites I made you. Is the cheese-to-cake ratio not to your liking? :'''Lincoln''': No, Clyde. The ratio is perfect, per usual. It's just, I don't know what to do. Bolhofner won't change my seat. :'''Rusty''': Three words, bro: "Butter him up." :'''Liam''': Oh, he ain't wrong. ''[grabs a stick of butter]'' One time Virginia, she got her head stuck in a fence and we used a whole mess of margarine to get her out. The key is to rub it around the jowls like so. ''[rubs the butter on his cheeks]'' :'''Clyde''': ''[disgusted]'' Ugh. :'''Rusty''': I meant he's gotta charm the man. :'''Liam''': ''[chuckles]'' I knew that. Just testing y'all. ''[eats the butter]'' :'''Rusty''': A while back, I wanted to go skydiving with my cousin, Derek, but my dad wouldn't let me, so I spent the whole week doing nice things for him. And bam, check it! ''[plays a video of him skydiving with his cousin while screaming]'' :'''Lincoln''': Hmm. Maybe I should try buttering up the Hof. <hr width=50%> :''[The next day at Mr. Bolhofner's trailer; Mr. Bolhofner is grading papers]'' :'''Mr. Bolhofner''': Nope. :'''Lincoln''': ''[enters]'' So, Mr. B, how was the band practice? That I set up, which I was glad to do, by the way? :'''Mr. Bolhofner''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, right. Ugh. :'''Lincoln''': ''[sighs]'' I guess I'll take my seat, then. :''[Chandler has set up a bucket of hot sauce above Lincoln's seat, laughing evilly]'' :'''Mr. Bolhofner''': That's not your seat, Loud! You sit ''there'' now. :''[He points to Lincoln's new seat, which has a bright light upon it]'' :'''Lincoln''': ''[smugly]'' Bye-bye, Chandler. ''[leaves to his new seat]'' :''[Chandler growls as he dumps the hot sauce on the seat, destroying it in the process]'' :'''Lincoln''': ''[relaxes in his new seat, and is elated to find it can recline at the push of a button]'' Whoa. :'''Student''': Chocolate? ''[offers a box of chocolates]'' I always have extras. :'''Lincoln''': Wow, thank you! ''[takes them]'' :'''Student''': Oh, and if you ever get tense, I keep a massager under my desk! Feel free to use it! :'''Lincoln''': Really? I wouldn't want to impose- ''[the student puts the massager on his neck]'' Oh, yeah. ''[the bell rings; the student reaches for the massager]'' Leave it. ==''Episode 6''== ===''A Bug's Strife (6.1)''=== :''[The Louds are walking out of the house and into Vanzilla]'' :'''Rita''': Oh! Double check, make sure I have my key. Mm. ''[her husband comes out, looking quite sick]'' Honey, you shouldn't be out here. Go back inside and get to bed. :'''Lynn Sr.''': I just wanted to see you guys off. I'll miss you while you're at Aunt Ruth's today. It's a ding-dang shame I'm going to miss the slideshow of her bus tour of "the Malls of the Midwest." ''[sneezes]'' :'''Rita''': Aw. Gesundheit. It's okay. Aunt Ruth will totally understand. :'''Lola''': ''[walking out of the house; annoyed]'' It's not fair. Why does Daddy get to stay home? ''[Lynn Sr. sneezes again; disgusted]'' Ugh, question answered. :'''Rita''': Get lots of rest. We'll see you tonight. ''[walks into Vanzilla and starts backing up]'' :'''Leni''': Bye, Dad! :'''Lynn''': Feel better, Pops. <hr width="50%"> :''[Aunt Ruth's house; In the living room, she is showing the Louds her Malls of the Midwest slideshow; Leni is the only one interested in watching]'' :'''Aunt Ruth''': And here's a bathroom stall from a mall in Indianapolis. This one had auto-flushing like the ones at a fancy steakhouse. :'''Lynn''': ''[bored out of her mind]'' Dad's so lucky to be home sleeping. Ugh. :'''Aunt Ruth''': Shh! Lynn, you're gonna miss the massage chairs at the mall at Walnut Grove! <hr width="50%"> :''[Lynn Sr. rushes over to Mr. Grouse's house and knocks on the door]'' :'''Mr. Grouse''': No one's home! Go away! :'''Lynn Sr.''': Mr. Grouse, I need your help! :'''Mr. Grouse''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, lookie, it's a Loud. Shocker. What do you want, and how fast can I get rid of you? :'''Lynn Sr.''': Remember the spare key I gave you for emergencies? Well, this is an emergency. :'''Mr. Grouse''': Oh, yeah, sure. I keep it in a bowl right here. ''[shows a bowl that's filled with countless keys]'' Yeah, this might take a minute. <hr width="50%"> :'''Rita''': Oh, honey, you must've been so delirious you trashed the house! I had no idea you were ''this'' sick. You need to get to bed immediately. ''[the porch suddenly collapses, sending both her and her husband to the ground]'' But not here. Kids, come on. We have to go. :'''Lynn Sr.''': Ah! Move to Canada. Smart. Chirpy won't find us there. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Rita''': No. We'll stay with Aunt Ruth until the house is repaired. She'll be happy to help nurse you back to health. I should warn you, though, she'll ''want'' to show you her Malls of the Midwest slideshow. ===''All the Rage (6.2)''=== :'''Zach''': You mad 'cause your favorite contestant cheated? :'''Clyde''': Zamir didn't cheat! He would ''never'' cheat! :'''Lincoln''': Maybe you can root for a different contestant. What about Maneet? :'''Clyde''': Maneet's cream puffs… ''[his eyes glow red, muscles bulge, and clenches his fist in fury]'' '''''ARE DRY!''''' ''[begins throwing dodgeballs in rage]'' :'''Stella''': Guys, I think we just won. ==''Episode 7''== ===''Scoop Snoop (7.1)''=== :''[Royal Woods Middle School; Liam is recording the footage of Stella reporting of an owner with their pet]'' :'''Stella''': This is Stella Zhau reporting. ''[suspiciously]'' Someone's been letting their pet go potty here on the school field and not cleaning it up. Well, the Action News Team are here to reveal the "poop-etrator." ''[gasps and looks ahead to see a "dog" with their owner both wearing identical disguises]'' Here they come now! Kangaroos, time to bust some scum! :''[As Liam and Stella run over to the owner and their "dog", they are outsped by Katherine Mulligan and her cameraman]'' :'''Liam''': What?! :'''Katherine''': This is a Katherine Mulligan news exclusive. I'm unmasking the serial pet pooper. ''[takes the hat off the owner, revealing to be Vic]'' The owner is Vic. And the pet pooper is Gilly! :'''Liam''': ''[confused]'' Jumpin' jackalopes. How in the world did she steal ''our'' story? :''[Sunset Canyon Retirement Home; Zach is recording the footage of Rusty with an "old lady" at a table writing on a piece of paper in the background behind him]'' :'''Rusty''': The Action News Team has received a tip that somebody famous is hiding out here disguised as an old lady. Prepare to have your minds blown. :'''Katherine''': ''[pops out from under the table]'' I'm Katherine Mulligan exposing this "little old lady" as… ''[pulls the wig/mask off, revealing…]'' Mick Swagger in disguise. He's holed up here as he writes songs for his new album, "Mick or Treat." :'''Zach''': ''[annoyed in anger]'' Hey, that was ''our'' scoop! :'''Scoots''': ''[wheeling over and points to him]'' Nobody punks ''us,'' Brit boy! PUDDING HIM! :''[The Action News Team are peddling their bikes to Gus' Games and Grub]'' :'''Lincoln''': This is the story of the century. :'''Stella''': It's cool of Gus to tip us off he's discontinuing spaghetti pizza. :'''Clyde''': ''[sobbing]'' It's a dark day for the culinary world. ''[he and Lincoln bump into the back of Katherine's '''NEWS 3''' van and fall off]'' :'''Action News Team''': ''[gasp]'' Oh, no! :'''Katherine''': This is the ''last'' bite of the last slice of the last spaghetti pizza Gus will ''ever'' serve. ''[eats the last bite-sized piece]'' I'm Katherine Mulligan reporting that you'll never know just how delicious that was. :'''Stella''': ''[annoyed]'' I don't get it! How does Katherine Mulligan keep scooping us?! :'''Rusty''': Someone has to be leaking to her. My cousin Derek's studying to be a plumber. He says; "You have to find a leak and plug it, or it gets worse." :'''Lincoln''': Rusty's right. If we don't do something, this could be the end of The Action News Team. :'''Clyde''': Wait. Can we a moment of silence for… ''[sniffles sadly]'' spaghetti pizza? <hr width="50%"> :'''Clyde''': We're never gonna find the leak at this rate. There are too many people at school to investigate. :'''Rusty''': ''[eating a bowl of grapes]'' We shouldn't be following the rat, we should wait at the nest. :'''Liam''': Then what in the manure pile does that even mean? :'''Rusty''': Katherine ''is'' the nest, dawgs! If we follow her, the "leaker", or "rat", is gonna come to her. :'''Lincoln''': Then we'll have our culprit! Rusty, that's a brilliant idea! Looks like it's time for an Action News Team undercover investigation! :''[The Action News Team poses; Next morning, Lincoln, Clyde, and Stella are outside in front of Katherine's house, suspiciously watching her from the bushes as she eats a Danish that popped out from the toaster]'' :'''Lincoln''': 8:02. Katherine takes a bite of Danish. :'''Stella''': Roger that. :'''Rusty''': ''[popping out]'' 'Sup, dudes? :'''Stella''': Rusty, you're late! ''[sniffs with disgust]'' Ugh, what's that awful smell? :'''Rusty''': I was helping my dad pick a cologne to wow his gal pal. He lands it on Undersea Daydream. :''[Lincoln, Clyde and Stella gag over the scent and gasp as Katherine exits her house and hide behind the bushes; Katherine gets into her car and drives off - humming a tune]'' :'''Lincoln''': Suspect's on the move. Let's go. <hr width="50%"> :''[Katherine and her cameraman are eating lunch at the Burpin' Burger; Liam and Rusty hide in the trash can as Liam pops his hand out out of the lid with his phone, recording the footage]'' :'''Liam''': Rusty, ya got your knee square in my gizzard. :'''Rusty''': Then stop moving around, dawg! :'''Liam''': Shh. :'''Rusty''': ''[as Katherine and her cameraman empty their trays into the trash can]'' Augh! Horseradish in the eye! Ugh. :'''Katherine''': Katherine Mulligan wants to know, did this garbage can just talk? ''[shrugs and walks off out of sight as soon as Rusty and Liam tip over, exhausted]'' :''[Royal Woods Bowling Alley; Katherine and Patchy Drizzle are bowling against each other as Patchy knocks down the 10 pins]'' :'''Patchy''': Yahoo! Today's forecast: a 100% chance of winning for Patchy Drizzle! :'''Katherine''': I'm getting some developing news. It ain't over till the last frame. ''[interrupted by Lincoln and Clyde, disguised as their grandmothers as she's about to bowl]'' :'''Lincoln''': ''[imitating Myrtle]'' Don't mind us, sweetie. We're just a couple of senior ladies bowling. :''[Zach, in his bush disguise, takes out his phone to record the footage, but wobbles and collides with them, rolling them across the alley and knocking down the 10 pins]'' :'''Katherine''': Katherine Mulligan wants to know, did that bush just bowl a strike? <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': Okay, so Stella made a notebook of some "hot news leads", but they're all fake. We "accidentally" dropped it here by Principal Ramirez's car. As the "rat," she "finds it" and takes it to "the nest." Any questions? :'''Clyde''': Can you go over that one more time? I got lost in all the air quotes. :'''Lincoln''': I'll explain as we hide. <hr width="50%"> :''[A week later, back at Tall Timbers Park, Principal Ramirez meets up with Katherine again]'' :'''Katherine''': Oh. Principal Ramirez. Glad you could make it. :''[The Action News Team peep from a bush]'' :'''Lincoln''': Gotcha. Principal Ramirez! ''[running towards the two women along with the rest of his team]'' Action News Team! :'''Katherine''': Excuse me. :'''Lincoln''': Principal Ramirez, how much has Katherine Mulligan been paying you to steal our news stories? :'''Principal Ramirez''': I don't know what you're talking about. :'''Clyde''': ''[holds up his mic in front of her, making her trip into the lake]'' ''We're'' asking the questions here! :'''Rusty''': The jig is up, Katherine "Shady Shader" Mulligan! The book Principal Ramirez was going to give you is a bunch of phony news leads ''we'' planted. Bam! ''[looks closely at the title on the book cover]'' "Passion under the Pompeii Moon?" Uh-oh. :'''Principal Ramirez''': ''[angrily snatches the book from Rusty]'' You bet you're "uh-oh." Ms. Mulligan and I are in a book club together. Now someone get me out of here. :'''Katherine''': That's the story. We've been meeting to swap novels we're reading. :'''Stella''': So you weren't leaking our stories? :'''Principal Ramirez''': ''[brushing the lake water off her skirt]'' Of course not! Is this what you spend your time on, making false accusations?! I have half a mind to shut down the Action News Team. :'''Stella''': Please, don't. :'''Rusty''': No, dawg! :'''Lincoln''': We're sorry. :'''Liam''': Give us another chance. :'''Katherine''': I'm Katherine Mulligan and…I agree with these children. Sure they got the story wrong, but they got real drive. It reminds me of me when I was thriving out. I say they deserve a second chance. :'''Principal Ramirez''': ''[over her mind; annoyed]'' Fine. ''[gets out of the lake as the Action News Team high five in celebration]'' But no more wild goose chases, or knocking principals in lakes. :'''Zach''': Promise. :'''Lincoln''': We swear. :'''Rusty''': It was Zach. ===''Eye Can't (7.2)''=== :'''Lisa''': ''[entering the kitchen]'' Good morn… ''[bumps into Charles]'' When did we put the trash can here? :'''Rita''': Honey, that's Charles. :'''Lisa''': Ah, yes, of course. Hmm. Ah! ''Here's'' the orange juice I was looking for. ''[mistakes the flower vase and takes it off the table]'' :'''Rita''': Have you noticed Lisa's been acting a little off this week? :''[Flashback to Lisa bumping into the end table, and another of her bumping into the stair railing]'' :'''Lisa''': Pardon me, father. ''[cut to her petting a skunk, mistaking it for Cliff]'' Good boy, Cliff. Good boy. :'''Leni''': ''[frightened]'' Uh, Lisa? That's ''not'' Cliff. :''[Flashback ends as the skunk sprays on the siblings, screaming off-screen]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': Yeah. She needs new glasses. :'''Lisa''': ''[returns to the kitchen]'' Ah, silly me, I mistook a vase of flowers for orange juice. Ah! ''Here's'' the actual orange juice. :'''Lynn Sr.''': That's hot coffee! Sweetie, look, Mom and I think it's time for you to go to the eye doctor. :'''Lisa''': What? Poppycock! Now if you'll excuse me, I shall be in the living room. <hr width="50%"> :'''Todd''': ''[while removing the cactus thorns]'' '''What is the problem? It's just the eye doctor.''' :'''Lisa''': The problem, Todd, is that I have an irrational phobia of the ophthalmologist. :'''Todd''': '''But that does not compute. You are a genius.''' :'''Lisa''': I said it was irrational, Todd. And I've tried to train myself to move-past it, but, I can't! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lisa''': ''[falls down the stairs and lands flat on her face in front of her parents]'' Problem solved, parents. I've forged myself a new pair of glasses, and all is well. ''[opens her eyes - still abnormal through her glasses]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': Counterpoint, you ''did'' kinda just fall down the stairs. :'''Lisa''': Eh. You say tomato, I say mildly near-sighted. :'''Rita''': And I say tomorrow morning ''you'' are going to the eye doctor, and, maybe the pediatrician too to see if you have any damage from that fall. :'''Lisa''': Fine. ==''Episode 8''== ===''Dine and Bash (8.1)''=== :''[Vanzilla pulls up at Lynn's table and the siblings get out and walk in]'' :'''Todd''': '''Have a good afternoon, sweeties. Don't forget to do your homework. I'll be checking.''' ''[drives away]'' :'''Lisa''': Note to self: Dial back Todd's maternal mode. :''[As the Loud siblings enter, they're overwhelmed to see the place crowded in a rush]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, good, you're here! Before you jump into homework, I need your help with the afternoon rush. :'''Lincoln''': No problem. Guys, fan out. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, you kids are a big help, especially with Mom off visiting Lori for Mother-Daughter Golf Day. ''[the phone rings and answers it]'' Lynn's Table. Come in if you're able. You've got Lynn. :'''Kotaro''': Lynn, I have some exciting news. The Doo-Dads just booked a big gig tonight at Sunset Canyon! :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[gasps in excitement]'' No we "Dadn't!" :'''Kotaro''': Yes we "Dad!" It's Bernie's third wedding! He's marrying his lady friend from Boca. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[realizes in disappointment]'' Ohh! Ding, dang, darnit! I have to work the dinner shift. I gave Grant the night off to play "Orcs, Horks, Wizards, and Pork" with his friends. :'''Grant''': ''[enters the kitchen wearing a wizard costume]'' Many thanks, Spirit Wizard Loud! May your harvest be fruitful this moon! ''[leaves]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': You guys should just do the gig without this Doo-Dad. :'''Kotaro''': But a band with just one cowbell is no band at all. :'''Lincoln''': Hey, Dad, what if ''we'' took over the restaurant tonight? :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[touched]'' Aw, that's sweet of you guys, but a night alone's a big responsibility. :'''Lola''': ''[chuckles]'' We know this place like the back of our flawless hands. Ew! Time for a mani. ===''Sofa, So Good (8.2)''=== :'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, kids! We have a surprise! :''[The siblings rush into the living room]'' :'''Lola''': You were saying about a surprise for me? :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[facing the opposite direction]'' Your mother and I have been talking… ''[Rita turns him back the right way]'' Oh, hey everybody. And since it's been seven days since we had any house or life-threatening disasters… :'''Rita''': We thought you all deserve a big surprise. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[leaves]'' Just keep that streak going a little bit longer. :'''Rita''': And we'll be back with the surprise by 4:00! ''[leaves and closes the door]'' :'''Lincoln''': I bet it's an indoor pool. :'''Lucy''': I bet it's a family burial plot. :'''Lana''': I bet it's a Clydesdale. :'''Lynn''': I bet it's tickets to Jelly Wrestlefest 1 15! :'''Lincoln''': No. No. ''[Lynn does a wrestling jump and landed on him as he groans]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[clears throat]'' You can call me the proverbial wet blanket, stick in the mud, resident sourpuss but, based on statistical averages, there's a 98.3% probability that we're going to mess up before the day is out. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': ''[looks up to Luan, stuck whilst sitting on the ceiling]'' Uh, Luan, what's going on up there? :'''Luan''': Looks like we've got a ''"sit-uation."'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': We did it! All we gotta do now is bring the furniture back in. ''[outside, they notice the furniture is missing]'' Uh, guys, where's the furniture? ==''Episode 9''== ===''The Last Laugh (9.1)''=== ===''Driver's Dread (9.2)''=== :'''Leni''': OMGosh, Lori, I'm so excited to see you this weekend! :'''Lori''': Samesies! It'll be like old times. Spending the whole day shopping at the Outlet Mall. Did you know everything is 50% off? :'''Leni''': So if we go twice, it'll be 100% off! :'''Lori''': ''[confused]'' Huh? :'''Leni''': BTDubs, Tanya's coming along. She's desperate for a new look. ''[to Tanya]'' Don't stress out, Tanya. I'll find someone to drive us there. :'''Lori''': You know, Leni, maybe it's time you tried to get your license again. :'''Leni''': I thought about it, then it scared me, so I stopped thinking about it. Remember the last time? ''[flashback to the events of '''"Driving Miss Hazy"''' where she crashed Vanzilla into a pool]'' Is this the carpool lane? ''[back to present]'' There is no way I'm going through that again. The only thing that scares me more than driving is shoulder pads and perms. ''[shudders]'' But don't worry! I'll find a way to get there. <hr width=50%> :''[Rita is in the kitchen writing an article while getting highly caffeinated]'' :'''Rita''': Latte, expresso, macchiato, Fortado… Oh! Those rhyme! :'''Leni''': Mom? Could you drive me to the mall this weekend? Dad can't- :'''Rita''': I'm sorry, sweetie, I can't. I have to finish a big article about coffee, coffee, coffee. And now I gotta pee, pee, pee! ''[runs for the bathroom while holding her bladder]'' :'''Leni''': You can't! Lola's taking one of her four-hour baths, and she's only on hour two. :'''Rita''': ''[bolts out the back door]'' MR. GROUSE, I NEED YOUR BATHROOM! ''[peeks out]'' Maybe you can take the bus. ==''Episode 10''== ===''Bummer Camp (10.1)''=== :'''Leonard''': ''[calling in on the TV from Camp Mastodon]'' Hello? Is this thingy on? I just see me. ''[sees his grandkids as he backs up]'' Up, there you are! Ah, hi, my little minnows! :'''Lincoln''': Hey, Gramps. What's up? :'''Leonard''': Well, kiddos, I'm in a bind. I got a new batch of campers coming in a week, and my counselors just bailed on me during training! I'm as stuck as a boat at low tide! Why, without counselors, I'll have to close down Mastodon and return to life at sea. :''[The kids gasp in shock]'' :'''Lincoln''': Wait, what? :'''Leonard''': Ah, breaks my heart. I love this ding-dang camp. All the summers your dad and I spent here together… ''[sighs]'' So, if you know any counselors, just let me know. Gramps, over and out. How do you… where do I- WHOA! ''[drops the camera in the lake, where a fish swims over before the call disconnects]'' :'''Lynn''': Gramps leaving?! Major foul! I don't want him to go! ''[starts venting her rage by kicking the couch]'' :'''Luna''': None of us do, dudette. We just got him back! :'''Lucy''': We have to find some counselors for Gramps. I'll see if any of my undertaker friends are looking to pick up extra cash. :'''Lincoln''': Wait! We can be Gramps's counselors. Then the camp will stay open and he won't go. Who's with me? ''[the sisters cheer]'' Camp Mastodon, here we come! ''[notices they're still watching ''The Dream Boat'']'' Um, guys? :'''Lola''': Yeah, we're gonna need five minutes. We have to see who Brynn picked! <hr width="50%"> :''[Later, Luna repeatedly breaks shovels trying to break the barnacles, with Leni and Lola having brought a box full of them and the entire supply being exhausted. Lynn uses a hammer to break the barnacles, but fails. Lincoln grabs a jackhammer and begins removing barnacles as his sisters cheer, but is sent careening into the woods. Eventually, all the barnacles are gone, and the sisters are all exhausted.]'' :'''Leonard''': Well, rig my sails! I'm impressed, kiddos! Guess you won't have any trouble with the rest of 'em! ''[points to even more barnacle-encrusted canoes]'' Well, let me know when you're finished! ''[leaves]'' :'''Lisa''': Now we know why all those other counselors quit. :'''Lynn''': Yeah, Gramps is running this camp like he ran his fishing boat, and it's 0% fun! :'''Lisa''': And if he keeps this up, he'll run off his future campers, too. Mastodon will be done for, and Gramps will leave us! I'm afraid we must tell him. :''[Lincoln is chase by a runaway jackhammer.]'' ===''Sleepstakes (10.2)''=== :''[Lana gets an invitation and hides it in her hat]'' :'''Rita''': Lana, what are you hiding? Is that another note from Principal Huggins about bathing more frequently? :'''Lana''': No. He gave up on that. ''[takes the invitation out of her hat]'' It's an invitation to a sleepover my friend Kayla's having. But as all of you know, I'm really bad at sleepovers. ==''Episode 11''== ===''Cat-astrophe (11.1)''=== :'''Harold''': Go for Harold? :'''Nana Gayle''': Harold, it's your mother. :'''Harold''': Oh! Hi, Mom! Clyde, come say hi to Nana! :'''Clyde''': Hi, Nana Gayle! :'''Nana Gayle''': Hey there, baby. What time are you boys coming around for our annual birthday celebration? You didn't forget my big day, did you? :'''Harold''': ''[shocked]'' Your big day? :''[Howard gasps, takes out his phone, and scrolls to Nana Gayle's birthday on their daily schedule, realizing they forgot, and faints]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Nana Gayle''': Wait, what is this? Fish cake? Milk fountain? Weird lady in a cat suit? Boys, what's going on? :'''Harold''': ''[guilty]'' I'm sorry, Mom. We got so distracted planning Cleopawtra and Nepurrtiti's graduation party that we…forgot your birthday. :'''Howard''': We thought if we brought everything from the cat's party here, we could still give you a great birthday. :'''Clyde''': We're sorry, Nana. ''[sighs sadly]'' We really messed up. :'''Scoots''': Yeah, you did. Come on, Gayle. Let 'em have it! ===''Prize Fighter (11.2)''=== ==''Time Trap! (Episode 12)''== :'''Lynn''': Oh-ho-ho-ho, man. I would hate to be you right now, Lori! :'''Lori''': Me? Lincoln was the one who told me to chip it! :'''Lincoln''': Well, Charles was supposed to be protecting the vase! :'''Lana''': You leave Charles out of this! ''[hops on the couch and hugs Charles]'' Who came up with this dumb game anyway? :'''Lincoln''': Guys! We need to figure what we're going to do about this vase. Remember what happened the last few times it broke? :''[Flashback to Lincoln, in his Ace Savvy outfit, rappelling from the ceiling to nab the last slice of pizza from Lynn]'' :'''Lynn''': Nice try, Stinkoln. ''[hits him with the pizza box, flinging him into the vase and shattering it]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[opens the door, frantically]'' What happened? ''[notices the shattered vase and gasps]'' That was a wedding gift! ''[angrily to them]'' You're all grounded for the night! :''[Second flashback to Lynn, Lucy, and Luan in the twins' room]'' :'''Lynn''': ''[with her rear stuck inside the vase's neck]'' Told ya it would fit. ''[farts, letting the bottle fly away]'' :'''Rita''': ''[ducks as the vase flies out of the room and shatters; enraged]'' That was a wedding gift! You're all grounded for a week! :''[Third flashback]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[bursting in through the front door with chemicals]'' Hot chemicals coming through! ''[rushes past the vase, which starts wobbling, but rests; relieved]'' Phew. :'''Lana''': El Diablo, drop it! :''[El Diablo slithers past Lisa knocking the chemical out of her hands and destroying the vase with an explosion]'' :'''Rita and Lynn Sr.''': ''[gasp]'' Our wedding gift! :'''Rita''': ''[angrily]'' You guys are grounded for a month! :''[Back to present]'' :'''Lincoln''': If Mom and Dad find out we broke the vase again, we'll definitely be grounded for the whole year. :'''Luna''': Can't we just get rid of it? :'''Lynn''': ''[imitates buzzer]'' They'd notice. In case you haven't heard, it was a wedding gift. :'''Lucy''': That vase has been nothing but a pox on this house. :'''Lola''': Ugh! I wish Mom and Dad never got this heinous thing in the first place! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lisa''': Siblings, I figured out a way to save our collective gluteus maximi. A while back, I unlocked the secret of time travel. I swore to never use it again, but desperate times call for desperate measures. My plan is simple: I'll travel back to the day of Mom and Dad's wedding. There, I'll prevent our parental units from ever receiving the vase. In layman's terms, no vase, no grounding. Any questions? :'''Lynn''': ''[raises her hand]'' Yeah… I've got one, brainbox. Won't removing the vase affect the fabric of the space-time continuum? :'''Lisa''': Actually, that is a highly perceptive question. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lisa''': Behold! ''[the garage door is stuck]'' Aw, dang it. The door is stuck. Everyone, just crawl under… Ding-dang door ruining my reveal… ''[scoffs]'' :'''Leni''': So where's the time machine? :'''Lisa''': You're lookin' at it. :'''Lincoln''': You built a time machine? Out of Vanzilla? In seven minutes?! :'''Lisa''': Well, it's not like it was hard. All I needed was an alkaline-coated crankshaft and some plutonium. Mm-hmm. ''[rips off her shirt and pants to reveal a tuxedo]'' :'''Lola''': You even had time to get a tux?! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lisa''': How in Galileo's micrometer did you get here?! :'''Lincoln''': We snuck in the back seat when you weren't looking. You have terrible peripheral vision. :'''Lana''': We wanna help you with the mission! :'''Lola''': And I'm not one to miss a party. :'''Lisa''': Fine… Since you're here, you can help me find the vase. But remember, it's crucial that we get it, swap it, and get out without being seen. Let's roll! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lynn''': Mom and Dad are gonna feel pretty bad when they hear we had to- ''[feels the couch]'' This feels different. :'''Lola''': ''[gasps]'' That's 'cause it ''is'' different! Mom and Dad would never shell out for high-quality upholstery like this! :'''Lucy''': The blood- I mean, ketchup stains on the walls are gone. :'''Lana''': This carpet feels softer than normal. And where are all the mud stains? :'''Lori''': ''[sniffs]'' And it doesn't smell like Cliff's farts, or Lynn's. :'''Lynn''': ''[preparing to fart]'' Oh, I can fix that. :'''Lola''': ''[screaming from upstairs]'' What happened to my room?! My trophies! My headshots! Mr. Sprinkles! '''MY HEADSHOTS!!!''' :''[The siblings check to see the twins' bedroom, now into a gym room]'' :'''Lynn''': Why is your room full of gym equipment? <hr width="50%"> :'''Lisa''': Welp, it seems my hypothesis was correct. We've altered the course of history. ''[gulps]'' I'm afraid…'''''we don't exist!''''' :''[The other Loud siblings gasp; End of Act 1]'' :''[Beginning Act 2]'' :'''Lincoln''': What do you mean we don't exist? :'''Lisa''': We altered the timeline and erased our own existence. In this timeline, Mom and Dad never had kids. Huh. The question is why… Perhaps there is someone who could help us fill in the blanks. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lana''': Found a crankshaft! Ooh, also found this junkyard burrito. Double score! ''[surfs on a car door and lands on other trash while Lynn nabs the crankshaft and Chunk gets the burrito] :'''Alternative Chunk''': Brilliant. I just found me lunch. ''[eats the burrito]'' A bit o' bad news, though. I think your punk friend flew the coop. ''[points to the dropped guitar, which Luna has disappeared]'' :'''Lincoln''': Now Luna disappeared! :'''Lucy''': So did Leni. :'''Lisa''': Of course - they're disappearing in birth order. :'''Lynn''': We gotta move fast if we want to save the rest of us. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': Without me, Chandler took my spot in the friend group. <hr width="50%"> :'''Luan''': ''[sniffs]'' Ooh, smell that? Pet dander and farts! :'''Luna''': Look! There are pics of us on the wall! :'''Lincoln''': ''[checks the couch]'' Yes! The couch is sticky! What the…?! :'''Lisa''': Yeah! The timeline has been repaired! :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[off-screen]'' Kids, we're home! :''[Their parents enter with a pizza box]'' :'''Rita''': We picked up pizza for di- ''[she and Lynn Sr. gasp upon seeing the broken vase]'' You broke our vase again?! ''[The siblings all smile]'' And you're happy about it? :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[sternly]'' Ok, that is it! Everyone is grounded for two months! :'''Lincoln''': ''[as he and his sisters hug them]'' We'll stay home with you as long as you'd like. ==''Episode 13''== ===''Crashed Course (13.1)''=== ===''Puns and Buns (13.2)''=== :'''Andre''': Benjamin Stein, you may have just started working here, but I know greatness when I see it. I am promoting you to Assistant Manager of the Burpin' Burger. ''[puts a golden Burger necklace on around Benny's neck]'' :'''Benny''': Wow, the Golden Buns? Dreams do come true! :'''Andre''': You've earned it. You're always on time, your uniform is always clean. And you're the first person ''ever'' to organize the pickles…by size. :'''Benny''': Thank you, Andre. I'll teach you how to organize the pickles too, Otis. Once you've recovered from that accident with the burger sign. :''[Flashback to Otis' accident while dressed in a burger costume as he spins the sign, flinging it upwards and falls on him]'' :'''Andre''': And we all want you to get better soon. ''[hits Otis in the injured arm, making him cringe in pain]'' Especially me, because I have to fill in for you. :'''Benny''': No one wears the buns like you, boss. <hr width=50%> :'''Luan''': Well, I'd better take Mr. Coconuts home. We just used our savings on that hilarious soda bit. I miss spending time with you, Benny. Ever since Dairyland closed for the off season, I don't see you very much. ''[takes out her phone and shows Benny a photo of herself in her Heidi Heifer costume, unmasking herself in front of him and scaring him, causing him to knock the popcorn cart over]'' Remember how I'd sneak up on you and scare you, and you'd knock over your popcorn cart? ''[laughs]'' I missed that. :'''Benny''': ''[laughs]'' Classic us. I miss it, too. :'''Luan''': ''[gets an idea]'' Wait. Benny, why don't I just work here with you? Problem solved! :'''Benny''': I was just thinking that, too! But I don't know if Andre will go for it. He takes fast food very seriously. :'''Andre''': ''[now in the burger costume as he puts ketchup on as war paint]'' Be the burger, be the burger. Sesame seed bun! ''[charges out the door]'' :'''Luan''': You can convince him. He'll listen to you. :'''Benny''': You're right. I'm Assistant Manager now! :''[Outside the restaurant]'' :'''Andre''': Absolutely not. Luan, work here? Are you kidding? :'''Benny''': But sir, Otis is still injured and we could really use a little more help. Plus, she ''does'' have experience. Her family owns a restaurant. And she promised to leave Mr. Coconuts at home. :'''Andre''': Fine, but Luan is your responsibility. She can be your first assignment as assistant manager. :'''Benny''': Thanks, boss! You won't regret this! :'''Andre''': I hope not. :'''Benny''': ''[chuckles and heads back inside; clears throat, holding up a Burpin' Burger uniform in front of Luan]'' Welcome to the Burpin' Burger family, Luan! You start tomorrow! ==''Episode 14''== ===''Lights, Camera, Nuclear Reaction (14.1)''=== :'''Lincoln''': Todd, you were amazing! And the hologram effect Lisa installed was the coolest! ''[notices something]'' Todd? ''[passes through him, turning out he's a hologram; shocked]'' Ahh! :'''Todd''': ''[laughs]'' '''Got you, Lincoln. You should have seen the look on your face. Actually, I can show you. Playing memory from three seconds ago.''' ''[plays the memory and replays Lincoln's shock multiple times while zooming in on his face; laughs]'' '''Good times.''' <hr width=50%> :'''Lisa''': ''[enters the dining room, panting]'' Quick question, have you seen the nuclear reactor from yesterday's shoot? Uh, not to create any panic, but it's missing. And if it falls into the wrong hands… ''[chuckles nervously]'' it could potentially destroy Royal Woods. :'''Lincoln''': You mean that was real?! :'''Lisa''': You asked for screen accuracy, Lincoln. Anyway, if you stumble on a glowing, unstable nuclear reactor, let me know. :'''Lincoln''': You're in luck, Lisa. Where there's evil in the world, there's only one secret agent who can stop it, and his name is- :'''Clyde''': Um, Lincoln, Lisa already left. :'''Lincoln''': ''[sighs]'' Agent David Steele. We're coming up to help, Lis! <hr width=50%> :'''Todd''': '''So glad you could make it, Mr. Steele and friends.''' :'''Lincoln''': This isn't you, Todd! It's the villain switch talking! Look, we're going to slowly come over and turn it off, OK? :'''Todd''': ''[presses a button and traps the three in a net]'' '''Sorry, Agent Steele. That won't be happening, and now you can all watch annihilate Royal Woods. Oh, and one last thing.''' ''[removes the villain switch to their horror]'' '''Now I'll be in villain mode forever.''' ''[laughs]'' '''You should see your faces. Actually, I can show you. Playing memory from three seconds ago.''' ''[plays and replays the memory of them gasping]'' ===''Food Courting (14.2)''=== :'''Miguel''': Leni, you ready for lunch? :'''Leni''': Definitely. How 'bout Spaghetti on a Stick? I'm craving skewered noodles. :'''Miguel''': Uh, sure, but, let's go to the Spaghetti on a Stick across town, or maybe one in a different town. I hear you get free marinara in Hazeltucky. :'''Leni''': That's silly, it's right there. Come on. <hr width=50%> :'''Gavin''': Welcome to Spaghetti on a Stick. How can I help you today? :'''Miguel''': ''[sweating nervously]'' Uh, nice boats. Are those shoes fresh? Boy, that episode of ''The Dream Sauce,'' huh? ''[Gavin stares confusingly at him; rushes off embarrassingly, and bumps into a man in lederhosen, getting sauerkraut in his eyes]'' AHH! SAUERKRAUT IN MY EYE! :'''Leni''': Don't worry, we are not giving up. ''[sniffs]'' And sauerkraut is actually a good scent on you. <hr width=50%> :'''Gavin''': Hey, Miguel! Looking stylish as usual. :'''Leni''': ''[through radio microphone]'' ''Thanks. What can you tell me about the rigatoni today?'' :'''Miguel''': Uh--uh, thanks. What can you tell me about the rigatoni today? :'''Gavin''': Excellent question! The pasta is fresh from Sicily. Well, Sicily, Michigan, but still. So, can I put in an order from you? :'''Scoots''': ''[interrupting]'' Quit daydreaming, blondie, and ring these up. :'''Leni''': One moment, please. :'''Miguel''': ''[in the exact same tone and posture]'' One moment, please. :'''Gavin''': I get it, choosing the right pasta takes time. :'''Miguel''': I'm gonna have to ask you to calm down and step back, please. :'''Leni''': ''[being bothered at Scoots waving the pants in her face]'' I said, step back, please! :'''Scoots''': And ''I'' said, I've waited long enough! :'''Gavin''': Uh, Miguel? Is everything all right? :'''Miguel''': ''[laughs nervously and runs off before slipping and falling into the fountain; Felix offers him a washcloth]'' Oh, thanks, Felix. :'''Leni''': ''[while being chased by Scoots]'' SECURITY! :'''Scoots''': ''[angrily chasing after her]'' Get back here, blondie! <hr width=50%> :'''Leni''': Gavin, what a surprise. :'''Gavin''': Oh. Hey, Leni. Hey, Miguel. :'''Leni''': Miguel, look, it's Gavin! :'''Miguel''': ''[awkwardly snapping out of it]'' Grey! Sorry. I started to say "greetings", but then I switched it to "hey." Ugh! ==''Episode 15''== ===''Save the Last Pants (15.1)''=== ===''A Stella Performance (15.2)''=== ==''Episode 16''== ===''Hiccups and Downs (16.1)''=== :'''Leni''': Wow. I've never heard a guitar make that sound before. :'''Lisa''': Negatory. It would appear Luna is having involuntary contractions of the diaphragm. Street name: hiccups, brought on by all of her excitement. They'll cease in no time. <hr width=50%> :'''Luna''': The Rumble's tonight, and there's no way I can sing like this! What am I gonna- ''[hiccups]'' -do?! :'''Lisa''': ''[gasps]'' I know what would cure those: an anti-hiccup elixir. Yeah, if only someone would invent one. :'''Luna''': ''[hiccups]'' Come on, sibs. One of you has to know how to get rid of my- ''[hiccups and falls to the floor, surrounded by the spilled food]'' Please, you've gotta help me! :'''Luan''': Aw, Luna. You know we're ''"hicc-up"'' for it, but first things first… ''[grabs a fork; to her siblings]'' Everybody, hurry and eat while she's down! ===''The Loathe Boat (16.2)''=== ==''Episode 17''== ===''Stroke of Luck (17.1)''=== ===''My Cheer Lady (17.2)''=== ==''Episode 18''== ===''Space Jammed (18.1)''=== ===''Crown and Dirty (18.2)''=== ==''Episode 19''== ===''The Orchid Grief (19.1)''=== ===''Forks and Knives Out (19.2)''=== ==''Episode 20''== ===''The Loud Cloud (20.1)''=== ===''You Auto Know Better (20.2)''=== ==''Unnamed Halloween Special (Episode 21)''== ==''Episode 22''== ===''Pop Pop the Question (22.1)''=== ===''Lynn and Order (22.2)''=== ==''Episode 23''== ===''Snow Escape (23.1)''=== ===''Snow News Day (23.2)''=== ==''Episode 24''== ===''Day of the Dad (24.1)''=== ===''Small Blunder (24.2)''=== ==''Episode 25''== ===''Fashion No Show (25.1)''=== ===''Doom Service (25.2)''=== ==''Episode 26''== ===''The Hurt Lockers (26.1)''=== ===''Love Stinks (26.2)''=== 8bmaq5xpok1xtd2x5igskfu0v3we4tv 3 246315 3158091 3130363 2022-08-26T06:21:09Z Ilovemydoodle 3120156 Undid stupid edit I shouldn’t have made wikitext text/x-wiki Hello, Pavlov2, and welcome to the [[Wikiquote:About|English Wikiquote]], a free compendium of quotations written collaboratively by people just like you! * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read [[Wikiquote:Wikiquote]]. ** See also [[Wikiquote:What Wikiquote is not|What Wikiquote is not]] for common activities that Wikiquote does not support. * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our [[Wikiquote:Browse|browsing start page]]. * Before creating new articles, consult our [[Wikiquote:Guide to layout|guide]]. You may practice [[Wikiquote:How to edit a page|how to edit a page]] at [[Wikiquote:Sandbox|Sandbox]]. * Please remember to use [[Help:Edit summary|edit summaries]] when editing pages. * When posting to a discussion, [[Wikiquote:Sign your posts on talk pages|please sign with a date]] by writing four tildes (~&#126;~~) and saving. * [[w:Wikipedia:Be bold|Be bold]]. To ask for advice or assistance feel free to drop by the [[WQ:VP|Village Pump]] or ask on my talk page. Happy editing! And again, welcome! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:36, 23 March 2022 (UTC) q3i2sd1kal82lluxdi4k2en82npf8k6 4 247918 3158070 3124220 2022-08-26T05:00:21Z BD2412 3982 /* Study Series */ close as moved wikitext text/x-wiki {{vt|Moved to [[Maria V. Snyder]]. [[User:BD2412|<font style="background:#F2E6CE">''BD2412''</font>]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 05:00, 26 August 2022 (UTC)}} ==[[Study Series]]== Appears to be part of a book series; I don't think it's a notable series overall. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] ''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']] 17:49, 3 June 2022 (UTC) * '''Keep''', but move to a page for the author ([[w:Maria V. Snyder|Maria V. Snyder]]) and clean up the formatting a bit. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 20:12, 3 June 2022 (UTC) *'''Move''' provisionally to author page per [[User:UDScott|UDScott]]: provided that both the format and the content are cleaned up. This children's (nominally "young adult") literature needs to be scrubbed for weak material lacking real [[WQ:Q|quotability]]. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 22:31, 8 June 2022 (UTC) {{vb}} rlqmfsxowt3818yr8hmr6yx2i6azunu 3 248292 3158094 3157827 2022-08-26T06:46:49Z Ilovemydoodle 3120156 /* Abuse filter */ new section wikitext text/x-wiki {{User talk:Koavf/Template:Archive}} <!-- Please leave comments below this line. --> == Template:Username == Could you please make [[Template:Username]] show the User’s name? I need it for several Templates. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:19, 12 June 2022 (UTC) :What do you have in mind? Does {{tl|Ping}} not work? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:53, 12 June 2022 (UTC) ::I mean the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:56, 12 June 2022 (UTC) :::{{ping|Kalki}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:12, 13 June 2022 (UTC) :::{{ping|koavf}} ::::I have no idea what you need. What would the template do? How would you use it? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:42, 13 June 2022 (UTC) :::::A template that displays the username or IP address of the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:49, 13 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::Do you have an example on another wiki that does this? I recalled that there was a magic word for this, but I can't seem to find it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:45, 13 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::No, but this is still a very useful *potential* feature. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:45, 7 July 2022 (UTC) == Request to add Editnotice == Could you add [[User:Ilovemydoodle/FakeBlockMessage|this]] Editnotice to my User and User Talk pages? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:38, 15 June 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} Are you sure you want that message? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 02:39, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::Yes. Thank you, you are the best admin. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:52, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::Also, it isn't showing up, could you fix this? ::Edit: I think you need to create the page [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-2-Ilovemydoodle|here]] (and [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-3-Ilovemydoodle|here]] for the Talk Page) for it to actually work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:54, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::That doesn't seem to have done the trick. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:02, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::::Maybe try some test text instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::::I can. Seems like your hack should work, per [[mw:Manual:Interface/Edit notice]], tho. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::Maybe file a phab report? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:07, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::I fixed it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:12, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::Could you also protect the page so only I and Administrators can edit it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::No, there's no way to do that, other than by manually blocking that one page from every user who isn't an admin or you. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:53, 16 June 2022 (UTC) : {| style="border: 1px solid gray; background-color: #fdffe7;" |rowspan="2" style="vertical-align:middle;" | [[File:SpecialBarnstar.png|100px]] |rowspan="2" | |style="font-size: x-large; padding: 0; vertical-align: middle; height: 1.1em;" | '''The Special Barnstar''' |- |style="vertical-align: middle; border-top: 1px solid gray;" | For actually doing this, I think most other Administrators take themselves to far too seriously to do something like this. |} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:29, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :Thanks kindly. I'm here to serve. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC) == Merge fork == Could you merge my fork of [[Joe Biden]] into the main page (revisions included)? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:59, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :Probably, but you have to meet me half-way here and link to said fork. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:03, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::[[User:Ilovemydoodle/forks/Main/Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::"No revisions can be merged." —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:09, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::::Why? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:16, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::::¯\_(ツ)_/¯ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:17, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::Try now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:19, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::"No revisions can be merged." —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::Maybe try importing them instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::How? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::Okay I figured it, this might sound strange, but it should work, merge [[Joe Biden]] into my fork, delete the original [[Joe Biden]] page and then move my fork to [[Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:49, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::"Source revisions overlap or come after destination revisions." You should just edit the main article. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:00, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::Also, do you have any work for me to do on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::::Wow, great question. I think the best thing that can happen here is if someone helps to bring more [[m:Structured Wikiquote|structure and semantics to Wikiquote]]. On a structural level, that is beyond any one person fixing, but anyone can add templates, metadata, etc. E.g. if you cite a source, include a citation template or use proper list semantics, such as not putting line breaks between bullets in a list. That and adding accessibility features like [[:w:en:WP:ALT|alt text]] are important issues to me. Thanks for asking and for all you do around here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::::I have been doing some of these things for while now, I will continue to do so also doing the other things you mentioned, but I was mainly looking for one or two shorter tasks to do now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:10, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::Hi {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, in terms of work to do on Wikiquote: *[[:Category:Wikiquote no intro]] need intros *[[:Category:Video games]]' contents needs sorting into categories by year *[[:Category:Wikiquote cleanup]] has hundreds of articles needing cleanup *[[Flooding]] could potentially be an article rather than redirect, not 100 percent sure though, depends on quotability. *There are many entire countries with no article yet. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::Also thank you again Koavf for the admin/maintenance work. I hope we get to see you back at enwiki eventually. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:21, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::Thanks, RC! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::No worries. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:51, 16 June 2022 (UTC) == Feature == Help, I really needed a feature added that lets a Template tell which skin your using. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:58, 19 June 2022 (UTC) :Wow, I have no idea how to do that. You want to be a thrid party that knows which skin someone is using? I'm not sure that is an option. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:09, 19 June 2022 (UTC) ::I really need it, apparently the background of my talk page break certain features, but only on one skin, and after fixing now it only works on that skin and doesn't work on others, so I really need this fixed, maybe something using css files? ::Edit: I figured it out, just add some css to the css file for each skin: ::* [[Mediawiki:vector.css]] ::* [[Mediawiki:vector-2022.css]] ::* [[Mediawiki:minerva.css]] ::* [[Mediawiki:monobook.css]] ::* [[Mediawiki:timeless.css]] ::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:55, 19 June 2022 (UTC) :::{{ping|koavf}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:23, 20 June 2022 (UTC) ::::I'm confused why you're pinging me. You just wrote, "I figured it out", so I thought there was no action for me here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:35, 20 June 2022 (UTC) :::::No, I meant that I figured out how YOU can fix it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:52, 20 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::What do you want me to insert in the CSS files? I'm reluctant to do this as it will modify the site for all users, but I'm not entirely opposed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:03, 20 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::Just make it you have something that only appears when that skin is active. :::::::Edit: You can do this by making something invisible in common.css and then setting it visible in the skin’s css file. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:05, 20 June 2022 (UTC) == Feature request == Could you make a very useful JavaScript hack for me? Ping me when your ready and I'll give you more information. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:21, 23 June 2022 (UTC) :I'm putting something on my calendar for next weekend--I'm busy this weekend. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:42, 23 June 2022 (UTC) ::Could you please do the other request above, though? (I really need it for something) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 23 June 2022 (UTC) :::All of them exist except one. I'll add a comment to it and then I suppose that resolves it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:53, 23 June 2022 (UTC) ::::No I mean in each file could you put: ::::<code>span.show-[skin name here] {display: initial;}</code><br><code>span.hide-[skin name here] {display: none;}</code> ::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:00, 23 June 2022 (UTC) :::::No, I'm not sure what that will do. I'm trying to think of how that would appear in CSS and that seems like it would not display the user preferences. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 21:01, 23 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::Well, you just add this code to common.css for each skin: ::::::<code>span.show-[skin name here] {display: none;}</code><br><code>span.hide-[skin name here] {display: initial;}</code> ::::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:03, 23 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::I'm reluctant to do that becuase of the concerns above. Do you have an example wiki where someone did this? I don't want to tinker with site-wide CSS without a really good reason. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 21:04, 23 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::Well, I can't think of any other wiki, but this IS quite important. On my user page I implemented a feature that perfectly well for me, but another user informed me that it didn't work in one skin, so I made one for that skin, but it only worked in that skin, so I need some code to differentiate between skins. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:10, 23 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::Could please give me more information about this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:08, 25 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::If I edit site-wide CSS, that will impact all users with a given skin. So I want to be very conservative about doing that and I don't want to even experiment, lest I mess up someone's view of the site. If you have examples of other wikis doing this or can justify why you need it done with some clarity, then maybe I can help you. Better yet woudl be community consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:15, 25 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::Basically, I want a feature where I can create a span with the class "[Skin Name Here]-show" and it will only show it for users viewing in that skin, there would also be a "[Skin Name Here]-hide" which would do the reverse. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 25 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::And I need to have a greater justification than just your personal preference before I tinker with site-wide CSS. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:44, 25 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::::A lot of Templates need different code for each skin to display properly. Also, I don't see any harm in adding this. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:46, 25 June 2022 (UTC) == Response time == Is there anyway to have a discussion in real-time? I would like to have several long discussions about feature requests, but that's not really doable if it takes days between each comment. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:23, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :I have really only used Gchat (or whatever it's called now) for IMing, but sure. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::What is Gchat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :::Google's IMing, associated with Gmail. Again, it's been called a million things. Hangouts now? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::::Any WMF way of live chat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :::::I think Matrix: [[m:matrix]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:38, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::I keep hearing about "libera chat", is it what I want? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:40, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::Correct. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::So, could you explain what it is and how to do what I am requesting with it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::I've never used it. I just know that it's the replacement for IRC (which I very rarely used). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:47, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::What’s IRC again? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:52, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::{{w|Internet Relay Chat}}, which was more-or-less popular as a group chat option for decades and the best server for it, {{w|Freenode}} was bought by a jerk, so everyone jumped ship to Libera. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:06, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::How does libera work? Would it be good for what I want? And, do you have an account there? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:08, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::::It's a good chat service, as I understand it and would meet your needs. I've never used it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:13, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::::Can you create an account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:48, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::::::Sure, if that's the method you want to use. I'm here to help. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 07:00, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::::::What is the name of your account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:05, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::::::::@koavf:matrix.org —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 01:05, 27 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::::::::{{ping|koavf}} I mean on libera. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:38, 28 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::::::::::Gotcha. I haven't made one yet. I can when I'm free-er. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 12:52, 28 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::::::::::When will that be? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:53, 28 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::::::::::::I have a calendar reminder for the following weekend (i.e. not in a few days but a week and a half). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 12:58, 28 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::::::::::::I am wondering if we can do it today instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:07, 28 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::::::::::::::I cannot. I have a busy-ish day and a very busy day tomorrow. To the extent that I can screw around on the Internet, it has to be pretty limited. I'm happy to meet at a time that's mutually convenient, of course. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 13:10, 28 June 2022 (UTC) {{Outdent|::::::::::}}Thank you! When your ready I have a lot to discuss. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:17, 28 June 2022 (UTC) :Also, when your ready, could you leave a message saying so on my Talk Page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:03, 4 July 2022 (UTC) ::Can do. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:11, 4 July 2022 (UTC) :::Can you just send me a calendar invite if you need to chat? I'm afraid that it's hard for me to make the time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:03, 7 July 2022 (UTC) ::::I am not sure how to do that, do you mean like mentally, or on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:54, 7 July 2022 (UTC) :::::Sorry, I meant to my email address: justinkoavf[littleanarchysymbol][google's email service][period]com. If you can't do that or don't want to share your email address with me, then please let me know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:14, 7 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::I have had my email address removed a long time ago due to abuse, so I can't use my email. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:18, 7 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::You can't email me directly? That's fine. When would you like to chat? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:35, 7 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::::When ever you’re ready to implement a lot of stuff. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:38, 7 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::::Also, which Template de-indents a discussion? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:58, 7 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::{{tl|outdent}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:04, 7 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::::Do you have any set date that you would be willing to help implement (or at-least begin the implementation of) a lot of features? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:28, 7 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::Unfortunately, I'm busy with work and personal things in July, so I've had a hard time setting a time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::Also, why did you obfuscate your email address? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 7 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::What is "[littleanarchysymbol]"? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:12, 7 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::Obfuscated for bots. [littleanarchysymbol] = "@". —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::::I’m confused, what do you mean obfuscated for bots? Also, if it's obfuscated how I am meant to read it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:49, 8 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::::So that a bot couldn't harvest it and spam me. You may be able to read it because you can decode things that a bot can't. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 02:48, 8 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:03, 8 July 2022 (UTC) == Bug fix == In [[Special:ListUsers]] "Administrator" is capitalized, on all other wikis (including Wikipedia) it is lower case. Could you please fix this? You could do this by either making it lower case, or by capitalizing all User Rights. (the second option is the one I prefer) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:28, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :But all of them are upper case now, so at least that's consistent. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::Oh wait, I see. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :I think fixing it would require recreating [[MediaWiki:Administrators]] and making it lower-case, but I'm not sure of all the places where it would be changed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:34, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::I don't see the problem with doing that. Also, if you prefer it capitalized, you could just capitalize all User Groups. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:36, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :::Because it may be transcluded other places where it shouldn't be capitalized. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:37, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::::Well, it's just fine on en.wp. Also, which option do you prefer? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:39, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :::::I have no strong feelings on this and while I am actually usually very in favor of consistency and proper usage, this one doesn't bother me much. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC) == A question for you == If you ever get unblocked from enwiki, will you still regularly contribute here? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:46, 7 July 2022 (UTC) :For sure. I plan on it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:13, 7 July 2022 (UTC) == Issue with your archive page == A lot of users used <code><nowiki>{{PAGENAME}}</nowiki></code> instead <code>koavf</code> on your Talk Page, so when you archived the page it now says "Hi koavf/archive001" instead of just "Hi koavf." Could you fix this? (I can't since you protected the page) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:05, 7 July 2022 (UTC) :Sure, thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC) == Rollback vote == Could you vote [[Wikiquote:Requests for Rollback/Ilovemydoodle|here]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:51, 8 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC) == Protection request == Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC) == Revdel request == [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|This page]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC) ::Still isn’t done. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:40, 9 July 2022 (UTC) :::Wait why is the page gone? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:48, 9 July 2022 (UTC) ::::It's back. The easiest way to delete dozens of revisions is to delete the entire page and then un-delete the revisions that you want. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:50, 9 July 2022 (UTC) :::::Ohhhhhhhh. I was really confused why you were deleting the whole page. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:55, 9 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::Koavf, could you do a full cleansing of the page? What I mean is removing all vandal revisions to the very beginning (even those already revdeled), and then also removing the reverts of those revisions as well. Could you do this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::That should be most of them. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:20, 9 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::::Could you also remove the undos of vandalism? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:23, 9 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::::Nothing even displays: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive_1&diff=next&oldid=3139360 Is this really necessary? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:25, 9 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::I would like to do it, to reduce clutter and potential for confusion, so, yes. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:32, 9 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::Thank you, Koavf! – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:51, 10 July 2022 (UTC) == Protected edit request == Could you change [[Template:Test4]] to redirect to [[Template:Uw-vandalism4]] to match Wikipedia? Also, to make the progression to 4im make more sense. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC) == Abuse Filter == : ''{{ping|Antandrus}} Could you also give your comment on this?'' Could you add the following terms to the Abuse Filter: * VKKSTUPID (any capitalization) * VKKSTUPIDITY (any capitalization) * AANT (any capitalization) * AANTANDRUS (any capitalization) * encyclopediadramatica.online (any capitalization) * g'p (any capitalization) * g’p (any capitalization) * encyclopediadr'matica (any capitalization) * Antandrus david (any capitalization) * Ilovemycock (any capitalization) * Ilovemycok (any capitalization) * Ethandeath (any capitalization) * Antdeath (any capitalization) * ANTANDRUS FUCK BUDDY (any capitalization) * ANTANDRUS FUKBUDDY (any capitalization) * FUKBUDDY (any capitalization) * WP:BOYS (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * Chicago Boys (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * Wikidiot (any capitalization) * Wikiidiot (any capitalization) * WMFloser (any capitalization) * Wikiloser (any capitalization) * Wikipedo (any capitalization) * Wikipedoa (any capitalization) * PAVLOL (any capitalization) * pause for breath (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * HAHAHA (specified capitalization only) * ANT COCK (any capitalization) * GLOBLALY (any capitalization) * da clock (any capitalization) * archive.is (any capitalization) * archive.ph (any capitalization) * ATTAX (any capitalization) * REMOVETD (any capitalization) * JAN PAWEŁ (any capitalization) * WMF squm (any capitalization) * 'n' (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * WMFhomopedo (any capitalization) * as proven! (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * ilovemydoodle = (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * G-R-P (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only) * GLOBAL BAN EVADER (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only) * ANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization) * AANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization) * ILOVEMYDOODLE LOVES (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only) * a r c h i v e (any capitalization) * WMFVOMIT (any capitalization) * WMFCANCER (any capitalization) * the fodder (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * THANX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only) * THX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only) * all is saved (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * forever blocked (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * blocked loser (any capitalization) * fuckbuddy ant (any capitalization) * fuckbuddy antandrus (any capitalization) * antandr's (any capitalization) * HAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only) * PAUSE FOR BREATH (specified capitalization only) * O YEA (specified capitalization only) * o yea (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * yea YEA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only) * U CANT SLEEP (any capitalization) * ANT-STN (any capitalization) * ency'lopediadram'tica (any capitalization) * GLOBA LOSER (any capitalization) * GLOBAL LOSER (any capitalization) * IN YOUR FACES (specified capitalization only) * in your faces (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * vvkrejects (any capitalization) * VVK (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * IN YO FACES (any capitalization) * vvkhypocrite (any capitalization) * FOFFER (any capitalization) * real life stalker (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * REAL LIFE STALKER (specified capitalization only) * DEFYING LOGIC (specified capitalization only) * FOR WMF (specified capitalization only) * globally blocked lta (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * GLOBALLY BLOCKED LTA (specified capitalization only) * WMF RESPECT (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * wikitruth (any capitalization) * wmf stands for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * wmf stand for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * WMF STANDS FOR (specified capitalization only) * WMF STAND FOR (specified capitalization only) * I LOVE MY COCK (any capitalization) * wmf total (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * WMF TOTAL (specified capitalization only) * fight u (any capitalization) * ET AL (specified capitalization only) * zero brains (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * BL*TANT (any capitalization) * utm*st (any capitalization) * UTMOST (specified capitalization only) * Suckpuppet (any capitalization) * wikihomopedoia (any capitalization) * ED loser (any capitalization) * HAHAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only) * AKA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only) * VVKLOSER (any capitalization) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:46, 10 July 2022 (UTC) :I've edited the abuse filter before, but I'm not a whiz at it. Note that blocking edits outright based on some of these filters would certainly disrupt standard editing. I feel like this is probably not the best way to stop vandalism and would want to get more consensus from the community. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 01:52, 10 July 2022 (UTC) ::How about you block the ones that are obviously vandalism entirely. And the potentially good-faith ones could be allowed only for autoconfirmed. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:17, 10 July 2022 (UTC) :::I'd still want a broader consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 02:22, 10 July 2022 (UTC) ::::Also, could you protect [[Wikiquote:Village pump archive 60|this page]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:24, 10 July 2022 (UTC) :Imagine what GRP would do if when he next logs in Wikiquote using one of his 50 trillion VPNs, and all of his favorite buzzwords get blocked by the Abuse Filter. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:56, 10 July 2022 (UTC) ::Again, please post to the Village Pump to get consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:15, 10 July 2022 (UTC) :::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:44, 10 July 2022 (UTC) == Quick fix needed == Could you please create [[MediaWiki:Dot-separator|this page]]? It's needed for a lot of templates on Wikipedia, so when I import them, they don't work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:16, 11 July 2022 (UTC) ::Question: how do you import revisions? I regularly import templates from Wikipedia, so it would be nice to be able to import the revisions too. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:39, 11 July 2022 (UTC) :::[[Special:Import]], if you are an admin. You are not importing, you're just copying and pasting, which is fine as long as you give attribution in the edit summary or the talk page. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:43, 11 July 2022 (UTC) ::::Is there anyway to import '''without''' being an admin? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:45, 11 July 2022 (UTC) :::::No, just ask an admin to do it. Again, it's fine to completely reproduce any of the content from any WMF project anywhere, it just requires attribution. The problem with copy/paste "importing" is that it may not import all dependencies. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:49, 11 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::Well, I know how to import dependencies, I would just like the ability to import revisions too, as I import hundreds of templates regularly. Also, when copying I often forget to attribute. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:54, 11 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::If you forget, in practice, it's not the biggest deal in the world, but you really should post a note on the talk page saying where it came from and how someone could find attribution at the original source. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:55, 11 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::::Well, according to [[w:WP:IMPORTS|this]], there is a group for <code>import</code>, just like <code>rollback</code>. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:59, 11 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::::Heads up that it's [[:w:en:Help:Import]] or [[:w:en:WP:IMPORT]]. In theory, we can activate importer and transwiki importers here, but we [[Special:ListUsers/import|don't have any]] and I personally can't do it, as it requires a bureaucrat. Generally, import rights outside of being an admin is rare and reserved for weird circumstances (e.g. a user on en.wp who has access to very old server logs and imports edits from 2001 occasionally). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::Can I make a request? And, if so, where? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:19, 11 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::You can request import at the admin's noticeboard. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:25, 11 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:40, 11 July 2022 (UTC) == Revdel request == Could please revdel these two revisions? (they are both by the same vandal) * [[Special:Diff/3140786|1]] * [[Special:Diff/3140787|2]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:08, 12 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC) ::Second one too? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:12, 12 July 2022 (UTC) :::I think you forgot the second one. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC) ::::Check again. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:06, 12 July 2022 (UTC) :::::[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Kim_Il-sung&oldid=3140787 Still there] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:20, 12 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::Gotcha. I deleted the edit summary. Thanks: hate speech has no place here except in the context of historically meaningful and educational quotations.o —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::Could you also give feedback to my question on the village pump? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:36, 12 July 2022 (UTC) == Protection request == Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:11, 12 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} I already did that. Now I've done it twice. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:07, 12 July 2022 (UTC) == Question about the abuse filter == Can importing revisions ever trigger the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:19, 12 July 2022 (UTC) :Probably? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 14:35, 12 July 2022 (UTC) ::Which user right (not group) allows you to bypass the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:01, 12 July 2022 (UTC) :::I don't know anything more than this: [[:mw:Extension:AbuseFilter#User_rights]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 15:55, 12 July 2022 (UTC) ::::Who would know more about this? Should I ping Aklapper? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:13, 12 July 2022 (UTC) :::::Possibly. I think a lot of folks on en.wp would know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:31, 12 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::I already asked a few hours ago on the help desk, still no response. I also asked on meta, also no response. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::I got two answers, here: [[m:Special:Diff/23515465|meta]], [[w:Special:Diff/1097930390|wikipedia]]. So the answer (thankfully) appears to be no. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 13 July 2022 (UTC) == Importer proposal == Could you give me feedback on my importer proposal? (not for/against, just about improving the proposal) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:54, 12 July 2022 (UTC) == <s>Emergency</s> == <s>QOTD missing!</s> {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:01, 13 July 2022 (UTC) == Question about my import proposal == Some of the permissions I know for sure are needed, for others I am pretty sure, and a few are just guesses. So, do you know who specifically I could ask about this? This would make sure that ones that are not needed can be removed, and that needed ones that are not listed can be added. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:47, 13 July 2022 (UTC) :I don't have a recommendation on this, no. It's your proposal: you can make it however you want. You just need to be clear and explain your reasoning. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 11:16, 13 July 2022 (UTC) == <s>QOTD</s>== <s>QOTD is missing!</s> {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:22, 14 July 2022 (UTC) == Question about my requests to you that could be asked more generally on VP or AN == Are you okay with this, or does it bother you? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:32, 14 July 2022 (UTC) :If the worst thing that happens to me here is that someone is too enthusiastic, that's a good problem to have. I like your edits and interest in helping out. I just want to make sure that any kind of radical changes get larger community support. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:37, 14 July 2022 (UTC) == Revdel request == [[Special:Contributions/Mr. Dick Pump|These two edits]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:28, 14 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 14:56, 14 July 2022 (UTC) == Revdel request == [[Special:contribs/2001:E68:6125:E800:9458:3779:9236:6072|Three edit summaries]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:16, 14 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 14:57, 14 July 2022 (UTC) == Revdel request == [[Special:contribs/2603:6010:c600:a8:40c4:fa43:6b2d:63ac|Three revisions]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:00, 15 July 2022 (UTC) :<small>([[:w:WP:TPS|talk page stalker]])</small> {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, {{done}} but only one revision. The others aren't eligible for revdel. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] <small>([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])</small> 20:12, 15 July 2022 (UTC) == Potential issue with import proposal == If the page has already been imported manually and changed since, but the page on the wiki you are importing from has also been changed, then the merge will fail. So is there any kind of right that I could that would let you remove a revision? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:04, 15 July 2022 (UTC) :Just being an admin. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC) ::Does the database keep track of if an edit is imported? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:09, 16 July 2022 (UTC) :::I'm not certain. From what I've seen, it's seamless. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 01:49, 16 July 2022 (UTC) ::::I mean in the backend. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:59, 16 July 2022 (UTC) :::::I'm not sure. I would think so. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 21:13, 16 July 2022 (UTC) == Online == Are you online right now? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:32, 16 July 2022 (UTC) :I'll have a little availability, but I'm getting sleepy actually--I've been sick lately. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC) == Online == Are you still online? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC) == Revdel request == [[Special:Diff/3143353|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:53, 17 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC) == Bureaucrat == I wanted to nominate you for bureaucrat, but I could not think of enough reasons for a full nomination. Could you nominate yourself? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:22, 17 July 2022 (UTC) :{{not done}} I'm pretty busy now, so picking up extra responsibility seems like a bad idea. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC) ::Later? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 17 July 2022 (UTC) :::Maybe! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:59, 17 July 2022 (UTC) == Revdel request == [[Special:Diff/3121426|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:32, 19 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:38, 19 July 2022 (UTC) == Hounding == I have noticed that a particular new editor here seems to be here only in discussion pages, which is fine in my opinion, but they appear to particularly targeting me (voting against various proposals, listing pages for deletion, etc.), and haven't been doing any mainspsce editing or editing in other discussions, does this count as hounding? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 20 July 2022 (UTC) :{{ping|AC9016}} Do you agree? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:38, 20 July 2022 (UTC) :It could be. I haven't seen this behavior yet. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 15:42, 20 July 2022 (UTC) ::[[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|Here]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:44, 20 July 2022 (UTC) :::I have not observed this behavior either. My time on Wikiquote is overwhelmingly spent on creating and editing pages. --[[User:AC9016|AC9016]] ([[User talk:AC9016|talk]]) 15:57, 20 July 2022 (UTC) :::I see you posted to his talk, so let's see where that goes. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 15:58, 20 July 2022 (UTC) == Strikethrough templates == Templates what is your opinion on {{t|Ds}}, {{t|Ts}}, and {{t|Qs}}? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:52, 20 July 2022 (UTC) :It's not obvious to me why these exist. If you need to semantically mark up that something is deleted or struck, then we have those options, so why do we need to visually have a template that strikes something four times? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 07:48, 21 July 2022 (UTC) == Availability == When do you think you could help with the js feature requests previously mentioned? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 21 July 2022 (UTC) :Which one again? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:11, 21 July 2022 (UTC) ::Not specifically one, several small ones over IRC. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:16, 21 July 2022 (UTC) :::Oh, not anytime soon. Sorry. :/ :::I have work, school, and travel. I am happy to do continued maintenance on projects where I am an admin (e.g. here), but doing anything ambitious is on an indefinite hold. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:18, 21 July 2022 (UTC) ::::Not that big, only small to medium additions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:22, 21 July 2022 (UTC) == AN Archives == Hello. I noticed that you sysop-protected [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/037]] but this is blocking [[Special:Contribs/MABot|my bot]] from archiving the [[WQ:AN]] as requested. Would you prefer if I start archiving in [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/038]] instead? If this is due to vandalism, an AbuseFilter could be created to avoid subpages of the AN to be editted by anyone but sysops and bots. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 11:10, 28 July 2022 (UTC) :Maybe your bot can just be an admin? I'm not a bureaucrat, so I can't do it unilaterally, but you're a trusted user, so I don't see that as being a problem. I'll unprotect for now. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 16:30, 28 July 2022 (UTC) ::Thank you. I appreciate your words, but I do not think my bot should have +sysop as it is very dangerous. Bots can, however, edit pages protected up to the autoconfirmed level so if vandalism on that page is an issue you may reprotect it to the "edit: autoconfirmed" level and my bot won't have troubles with bypassing that restriction. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 10:45, 29 July 2022 (UTC) == Hello == I would like to inform you that I have returned here after three weeks. I mainly left due to the large-scale deletion of my templates and modules, most of which was unjustified. I would like to have these undeleted so the issues with templates can be properly addressed, rather than just deleting them. I would like to start by having these templates undeleted: * [[Template:T]] * [[Template:Blockedreason]] * [[Template:Removed]] (and [[Template:Vote removed]]) Do you think you help with this? And, if so, could you add some-sort-of messaging saying that it is currently being worked-on and should ''not'' be immediately re-VfD'd? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 11 August 2022 (UTC) :Welcome. I would recommend starting with the admins who deleted them and see if they think for some reason there was an error or something was deleted out of process. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:50, 11 August 2022 (UTC) ::I am not saying that is out of error, I just think that I can ''easily'' fix the issues that were given as the reason for deletion. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:52, 11 August 2022 (UTC) :::Also, you would need to undelete the associated sub-pages. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:53, 11 August 2022 (UTC) :::Sure, well I would still start with the deleting admin. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:55, 11 August 2022 (UTC) ::::{{done}} added a link to this discussion. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:58, 11 August 2022 (UTC) ::::Wait... the deleting admin only deleted it because of a VfD, so if I am able to address the problems raised in the VfD, couldn't it just be undelete without needless bureaucracy? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:17, 11 August 2022 (UTC) * All I did was close the discussions. In nearly every one, the consensus to delete was unanimous. I would recommend you take some time to consider working on tasks that do not require the creation of large amounts of templates and subpages, give that this wasn't a one-off issue, but one where there were scores of pages that needed to be deleted. [[User:GreenMeansGo|<span style="font-family:Impact"><span style="color:#07CB4B">G</span><span style="color:#449351">M</span><span style="color:#35683d">G</span></span>]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|<sup style="color:#000;font-family:Impact">talk</sup>]] 20:35, 11 August 2022 (UTC) *:{{ping|GreenMeansGo}} My reason for creating these was not just randomly make bad templates, instead I was trying to implement a much larger idea for Wikiquote, but since it would be such a large change and would require large changes to backend things like php and js, I instead only implemented a very small amount of it. But, since I only implemented small amounts of what actually wanted to do '''without context''', I instead made something that doesn't have any propose or value. So, instead, I would like to make a local 'test wiki' where I can work on larger things like this that can later be implemented properly on the main wiki. *:Do you think you could help by sending an xml file of the deleted pages? Thanks, – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:31, 11 August 2022 (UTC) *::I nominated the templates for deletion (and there was unanimous consensus to delete them) because they were fundamentally crap templates. The fact the implementation was terrible was only a small part of the problem, the big issue is that the ''ideas'' behind them were awful. No amount of JavaScript or PHP would have turned those pages into useful templates. *::You have tried to reinvent processes for no good reason (often in really stupid ways involving obnoxious amounts of pings), you have made pointless duplicate templates that recreate functionality that already exists, and have created templates that should not be used under any situation because they violate fundamental project policies and fly in the face of wiki culture. *::Of those three templates the first one duplicates a template we already have, the second was another duplicate template but with some really really terrible modifications, and the third was a horrendously bad idea for a template that should never ''ever'' be used under any situation. *::I would oppose restoring these as the community has made it clear they don't want them. Banning people from nominating them for deletion after a unanimous consensus to delete is also a grossly inappropriate suggestion. The only admin action that I could see being remotely appropriate here is blocking you from template and module space. You clearly do not have the [[W:WP:CIR|competence]] to edit there productively and have made a ridiculous amount of mess treating this project as your personal sandbox that is going to take months and months to clean up. I haven't edited in a week due to real life work, but there is still a vast amount of localisation, clean-up and deletion nominations to be done. Fundamentally as a newbie who has only been here for a couple of months you should not be attempting to "implement a much larger idea for Wikiquote" and completely remake the project according to how you think it should be - that isn't how consensus or wiki communities work. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 01:02, 12 August 2022 (UTC) *:::Forgive me, but, is it not "cleaned up" already? All of templates and modules appear to of been deleted. Also, I was not requesting they all be restored. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:49, 12 August 2022 (UTC) *::::No, it's nowhere near finished. [[Special:WantedCategories]] is still full of clean-up categories that need renaming, merging, and actually creating. There are still a ton of modules and templates that you've copied from other projects without bothering to set them up properly, e.g. [[Module:Pagetype/config]], which still has a load of wikipedia only configurations in it. There are a bunch of unused templates that don't actually make a lot of sense on this project, [[Template:Disputed inline]] doesn't make a great deal of sense when applied to quotations. There are a bunch of templates that I cannot forsee anyone ever using, e.g. [[Template:Background color]] which is used to applying formatting that should never actually be used in pages, <span style="background-color: orange">Like this</span>. And that's before we even get into looking at all the templates that you overwrote with wikipedia specific ones or messed around with for no good reason. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 08:56, 12 August 2022 (UTC) *:::Please don’t, I have stopped the template creation and will only return to it when I know what I'm doing. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:41, 12 August 2022 (UTC) ::::Don't get discouraged brother or sister. Figure it out. Lord knows I'm lucky to understand how email works some of the time. But do it on a test wiki. [[User:GreenMeansGo|<span style="font-family:Impact"><span style="color:#07CB4B">G</span><span style="color:#449351">M</span><span style="color:#35683d">G</span></span>]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|<sup style="color:#000;font-family:Impact">talk</sup>]] 02:44, 13 August 2022 (UTC) == Revdel request == [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle&type=revision&diff=3146038&oldid=3145984&diffmode=source This]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:37, 20 August 2022 (UTC) :{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, while it is an inappropriate comment, I don't think it is eligible for RevDel. It is just a "normal" personal attack. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] <small>([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])</small> 11:24, 20 August 2022 (UTC) ::I'm a fan of [[:w:en:WP:DENY]] and happy to revdel things that don't even try to add to this site. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 16:31, 20 August 2022 (UTC) :::[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Sandbox&diff=prev&oldid=3146034&diffmode=source This] should probably be removed as well. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:50, 21 August 2022 (UTC) :::Wouldn't say that spending time going back to a month old edit no-one else will be looking at is a way of denying recognition to vandals. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] <small>([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])</small> 22:03, 21 August 2022 (UTC) ::::Okay, if you want to leave this kind of trash in the edit history, you can. As I come across abusive edits like this, I remove them. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:04, 21 August 2022 (UTC) :::::It's not great to be in the edit history, but we are hiding these kinds of edits from public view. Would you say that the edit revision, as well as the edit summary, is bad enough that it should be hidden from other editors? Particularly with this edit - what is the worst that would happen if it was just left alone? --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] <small>([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])</small> 22:09, 21 August 2022 (UTC) ::::::Yes and probably nothing other than giving a troll what he wants. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:12, 21 August 2022 (UTC) ::{{ping|Ferien}} Shouldn’t all personal attacks be revdeled? I thought "special" personal attacks are meant to be oversighted. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:52, 21 August 2022 (UTC) :::{{re|Ilovemydoodle}} No absolutely not. There is no RevDel policy here, and we should definitely get one some point soon, but RevDel is generally only used for grossly inappropriate content. Both of these revisions certainly wouldn't be eligible for revision deletion at all on any other wiki I'm active on, especially not on English Wikipedia. And oversight can only be used for "a blatant attack is one obviously intended to denigrate, threaten, libel, insult, or harass someone." --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] <small>([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])</small> 22:00, 21 August 2022 (UTC) ::::I think revdel should be used on any edit harmful bad-faith edit. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:38, 22 August 2022 (UTC) == Revdel request == [[Special:Contributions/Deadlybreeze|These]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:54, 22 August 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 08:02, 22 August 2022 (UTC) ::Also, is [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Wikimedia_Forum&oldid=23694862#Question_about_dumps_(this_is_actually_needed,_not_just_a_stupid/pointless_question) this] possible? (without dev access) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 08:10, 22 August 2022 (UTC) ::[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle&type=revision&diff=3148586&oldid=3147432&diffmode=source This too]! Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 08:13, 22 August 2022 (UTC) == Block request == Could you softblock {{u|Ilovemycock}}? (I created it to prevent abuse) Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:04, 25 August 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} by {{u|Ferien}}. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:24, 25 August 2022 (UTC) == Abuse filter == Could you import [test2wiki:Special:AbuseFilter/29 this] filter onto this wiki? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:46, 26 August 2022 (UTC) qfyftdzugeuf5rhze36sgfduoous0z5 3158095 3158094 2022-08-26T07:04:46Z Ilovemydoodle 3120156 /* Abuse filter */ fmt fix wikitext text/x-wiki {{User talk:Koavf/Template:Archive}} <!-- Please leave comments below this line. --> == Template:Username == Could you please make [[Template:Username]] show the User’s name? I need it for several Templates. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:19, 12 June 2022 (UTC) :What do you have in mind? Does {{tl|Ping}} not work? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:53, 12 June 2022 (UTC) ::I mean the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:56, 12 June 2022 (UTC) :::{{ping|Kalki}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:12, 13 June 2022 (UTC) :::{{ping|koavf}} ::::I have no idea what you need. What would the template do? How would you use it? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:42, 13 June 2022 (UTC) :::::A template that displays the username or IP address of the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:49, 13 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::Do you have an example on another wiki that does this? I recalled that there was a magic word for this, but I can't seem to find it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:45, 13 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::No, but this is still a very useful *potential* feature. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:45, 7 July 2022 (UTC) == Request to add Editnotice == Could you add [[User:Ilovemydoodle/FakeBlockMessage|this]] Editnotice to my User and User Talk pages? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:38, 15 June 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} Are you sure you want that message? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 02:39, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::Yes. Thank you, you are the best admin. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:52, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::Also, it isn't showing up, could you fix this? ::Edit: I think you need to create the page [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-2-Ilovemydoodle|here]] (and [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-3-Ilovemydoodle|here]] for the Talk Page) for it to actually work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:54, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::That doesn't seem to have done the trick. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:02, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::::Maybe try some test text instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::::I can. Seems like your hack should work, per [[mw:Manual:Interface/Edit notice]], tho. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::Maybe file a phab report? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:07, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::I fixed it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:12, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::Could you also protect the page so only I and Administrators can edit it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::No, there's no way to do that, other than by manually blocking that one page from every user who isn't an admin or you. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:53, 16 June 2022 (UTC) : {| style="border: 1px solid gray; background-color: #fdffe7;" |rowspan="2" style="vertical-align:middle;" | [[File:SpecialBarnstar.png|100px]] |rowspan="2" | |style="font-size: x-large; padding: 0; vertical-align: middle; height: 1.1em;" | '''The Special Barnstar''' |- |style="vertical-align: middle; border-top: 1px solid gray;" | For actually doing this, I think most other Administrators take themselves to far too seriously to do something like this. |} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:29, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :Thanks kindly. I'm here to serve. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC) == Merge fork == Could you merge my fork of [[Joe Biden]] into the main page (revisions included)? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:59, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :Probably, but you have to meet me half-way here and link to said fork. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:03, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::[[User:Ilovemydoodle/forks/Main/Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::"No revisions can be merged." —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:09, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::::Why? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:16, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::::¯\_(ツ)_/¯ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:17, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::Try now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:19, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::"No revisions can be merged." —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::Maybe try importing them instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::How? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::Okay I figured it, this might sound strange, but it should work, merge [[Joe Biden]] into my fork, delete the original [[Joe Biden]] page and then move my fork to [[Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:49, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::"Source revisions overlap or come after destination revisions." You should just edit the main article. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:00, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::Also, do you have any work for me to do on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::::Wow, great question. I think the best thing that can happen here is if someone helps to bring more [[m:Structured Wikiquote|structure and semantics to Wikiquote]]. On a structural level, that is beyond any one person fixing, but anyone can add templates, metadata, etc. E.g. if you cite a source, include a citation template or use proper list semantics, such as not putting line breaks between bullets in a list. That and adding accessibility features like [[:w:en:WP:ALT|alt text]] are important issues to me. Thanks for asking and for all you do around here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::::I have been doing some of these things for while now, I will continue to do so also doing the other things you mentioned, but I was mainly looking for one or two shorter tasks to do now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:10, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::Hi {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, in terms of work to do on Wikiquote: *[[:Category:Wikiquote no intro]] need intros *[[:Category:Video games]]' contents needs sorting into categories by year *[[:Category:Wikiquote cleanup]] has hundreds of articles needing cleanup *[[Flooding]] could potentially be an article rather than redirect, not 100 percent sure though, depends on quotability. *There are many entire countries with no article yet. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::Also thank you again Koavf for the admin/maintenance work. I hope we get to see you back at enwiki eventually. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:21, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::Thanks, RC! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::No worries. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:51, 16 June 2022 (UTC) == Feature == Help, I really needed a feature added that lets a Template tell which skin your using. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:58, 19 June 2022 (UTC) :Wow, I have no idea how to do that. You want to be a thrid party that knows which skin someone is using? I'm not sure that is an option. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:09, 19 June 2022 (UTC) ::I really need it, apparently the background of my talk page break certain features, but only on one skin, and after fixing now it only works on that skin and doesn't work on others, so I really need this fixed, maybe something using css files? ::Edit: I figured it out, just add some css to the css file for each skin: ::* [[Mediawiki:vector.css]] ::* [[Mediawiki:vector-2022.css]] ::* [[Mediawiki:minerva.css]] ::* [[Mediawiki:monobook.css]] ::* [[Mediawiki:timeless.css]] ::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:55, 19 June 2022 (UTC) :::{{ping|koavf}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:23, 20 June 2022 (UTC) ::::I'm confused why you're pinging me. You just wrote, "I figured it out", so I thought there was no action for me here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:35, 20 June 2022 (UTC) :::::No, I meant that I figured out how YOU can fix it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:52, 20 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::What do you want me to insert in the CSS files? I'm reluctant to do this as it will modify the site for all users, but I'm not entirely opposed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:03, 20 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::Just make it you have something that only appears when that skin is active. :::::::Edit: You can do this by making something invisible in common.css and then setting it visible in the skin’s css file. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:05, 20 June 2022 (UTC) == Feature request == Could you make a very useful JavaScript hack for me? Ping me when your ready and I'll give you more information. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:21, 23 June 2022 (UTC) :I'm putting something on my calendar for next weekend--I'm busy this weekend. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:42, 23 June 2022 (UTC) ::Could you please do the other request above, though? (I really need it for something) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 23 June 2022 (UTC) :::All of them exist except one. I'll add a comment to it and then I suppose that resolves it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:53, 23 June 2022 (UTC) ::::No I mean in each file could you put: ::::<code>span.show-[skin name here] {display: initial;}</code><br><code>span.hide-[skin name here] {display: none;}</code> ::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:00, 23 June 2022 (UTC) :::::No, I'm not sure what that will do. I'm trying to think of how that would appear in CSS and that seems like it would not display the user preferences. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 21:01, 23 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::Well, you just add this code to common.css for each skin: ::::::<code>span.show-[skin name here] {display: none;}</code><br><code>span.hide-[skin name here] {display: initial;}</code> ::::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:03, 23 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::I'm reluctant to do that becuase of the concerns above. Do you have an example wiki where someone did this? I don't want to tinker with site-wide CSS without a really good reason. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 21:04, 23 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::Well, I can't think of any other wiki, but this IS quite important. On my user page I implemented a feature that perfectly well for me, but another user informed me that it didn't work in one skin, so I made one for that skin, but it only worked in that skin, so I need some code to differentiate between skins. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:10, 23 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::Could please give me more information about this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:08, 25 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::If I edit site-wide CSS, that will impact all users with a given skin. So I want to be very conservative about doing that and I don't want to even experiment, lest I mess up someone's view of the site. If you have examples of other wikis doing this or can justify why you need it done with some clarity, then maybe I can help you. Better yet woudl be community consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:15, 25 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::Basically, I want a feature where I can create a span with the class "[Skin Name Here]-show" and it will only show it for users viewing in that skin, there would also be a "[Skin Name Here]-hide" which would do the reverse. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 25 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::And I need to have a greater justification than just your personal preference before I tinker with site-wide CSS. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:44, 25 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::::A lot of Templates need different code for each skin to display properly. Also, I don't see any harm in adding this. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:46, 25 June 2022 (UTC) == Response time == Is there anyway to have a discussion in real-time? I would like to have several long discussions about feature requests, but that's not really doable if it takes days between each comment. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:23, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :I have really only used Gchat (or whatever it's called now) for IMing, but sure. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::What is Gchat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :::Google's IMing, associated with Gmail. Again, it's been called a million things. Hangouts now? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::::Any WMF way of live chat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :::::I think Matrix: [[m:matrix]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:38, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::I keep hearing about "libera chat", is it what I want? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:40, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::Correct. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::So, could you explain what it is and how to do what I am requesting with it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::I've never used it. I just know that it's the replacement for IRC (which I very rarely used). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:47, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::What’s IRC again? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:52, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::{{w|Internet Relay Chat}}, which was more-or-less popular as a group chat option for decades and the best server for it, {{w|Freenode}} was bought by a jerk, so everyone jumped ship to Libera. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:06, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::How does libera work? Would it be good for what I want? And, do you have an account there? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:08, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::::It's a good chat service, as I understand it and would meet your needs. I've never used it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:13, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::::Can you create an account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:48, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::::::Sure, if that's the method you want to use. I'm here to help. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 07:00, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::::::What is the name of your account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:05, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::::::::@koavf:matrix.org —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 01:05, 27 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::::::::{{ping|koavf}} I mean on libera. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:38, 28 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::::::::::Gotcha. I haven't made one yet. I can when I'm free-er. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 12:52, 28 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::::::::::When will that be? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:53, 28 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::::::::::::I have a calendar reminder for the following weekend (i.e. not in a few days but a week and a half). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 12:58, 28 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::::::::::::I am wondering if we can do it today instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:07, 28 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::::::::::::::I cannot. I have a busy-ish day and a very busy day tomorrow. To the extent that I can screw around on the Internet, it has to be pretty limited. I'm happy to meet at a time that's mutually convenient, of course. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 13:10, 28 June 2022 (UTC) {{Outdent|::::::::::}}Thank you! When your ready I have a lot to discuss. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:17, 28 June 2022 (UTC) :Also, when your ready, could you leave a message saying so on my Talk Page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:03, 4 July 2022 (UTC) ::Can do. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:11, 4 July 2022 (UTC) :::Can you just send me a calendar invite if you need to chat? I'm afraid that it's hard for me to make the time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:03, 7 July 2022 (UTC) ::::I am not sure how to do that, do you mean like mentally, or on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:54, 7 July 2022 (UTC) :::::Sorry, I meant to my email address: justinkoavf[littleanarchysymbol][google's email service][period]com. If you can't do that or don't want to share your email address with me, then please let me know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:14, 7 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::I have had my email address removed a long time ago due to abuse, so I can't use my email. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:18, 7 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::You can't email me directly? That's fine. When would you like to chat? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:35, 7 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::::When ever you’re ready to implement a lot of stuff. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:38, 7 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::::Also, which Template de-indents a discussion? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:58, 7 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::{{tl|outdent}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:04, 7 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::::Do you have any set date that you would be willing to help implement (or at-least begin the implementation of) a lot of features? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:28, 7 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::Unfortunately, I'm busy with work and personal things in July, so I've had a hard time setting a time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::Also, why did you obfuscate your email address? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 7 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::What is "[littleanarchysymbol]"? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:12, 7 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::Obfuscated for bots. [littleanarchysymbol] = "@". —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::::I’m confused, what do you mean obfuscated for bots? Also, if it's obfuscated how I am meant to read it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:49, 8 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::::So that a bot couldn't harvest it and spam me. You may be able to read it because you can decode things that a bot can't. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 02:48, 8 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:03, 8 July 2022 (UTC) == Bug fix == In [[Special:ListUsers]] "Administrator" is capitalized, on all other wikis (including Wikipedia) it is lower case. Could you please fix this? You could do this by either making it lower case, or by capitalizing all User Rights. (the second option is the one I prefer) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:28, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :But all of them are upper case now, so at least that's consistent. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::Oh wait, I see. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :I think fixing it would require recreating [[MediaWiki:Administrators]] and making it lower-case, but I'm not sure of all the places where it would be changed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:34, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::I don't see the problem with doing that. Also, if you prefer it capitalized, you could just capitalize all User Groups. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:36, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :::Because it may be transcluded other places where it shouldn't be capitalized. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:37, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::::Well, it's just fine on en.wp. Also, which option do you prefer? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:39, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :::::I have no strong feelings on this and while I am actually usually very in favor of consistency and proper usage, this one doesn't bother me much. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC) == A question for you == If you ever get unblocked from enwiki, will you still regularly contribute here? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:46, 7 July 2022 (UTC) :For sure. I plan on it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:13, 7 July 2022 (UTC) == Issue with your archive page == A lot of users used <code><nowiki>{{PAGENAME}}</nowiki></code> instead <code>koavf</code> on your Talk Page, so when you archived the page it now says "Hi koavf/archive001" instead of just "Hi koavf." Could you fix this? (I can't since you protected the page) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:05, 7 July 2022 (UTC) :Sure, thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC) == Rollback vote == Could you vote [[Wikiquote:Requests for Rollback/Ilovemydoodle|here]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:51, 8 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC) == Protection request == Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC) == Revdel request == [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|This page]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC) ::Still isn’t done. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:40, 9 July 2022 (UTC) :::Wait why is the page gone? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:48, 9 July 2022 (UTC) ::::It's back. The easiest way to delete dozens of revisions is to delete the entire page and then un-delete the revisions that you want. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:50, 9 July 2022 (UTC) :::::Ohhhhhhhh. I was really confused why you were deleting the whole page. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:55, 9 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::Koavf, could you do a full cleansing of the page? What I mean is removing all vandal revisions to the very beginning (even those already revdeled), and then also removing the reverts of those revisions as well. Could you do this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::That should be most of them. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:20, 9 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::::Could you also remove the undos of vandalism? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:23, 9 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::::Nothing even displays: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive_1&diff=next&oldid=3139360 Is this really necessary? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:25, 9 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::I would like to do it, to reduce clutter and potential for confusion, so, yes. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:32, 9 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::Thank you, Koavf! – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:51, 10 July 2022 (UTC) == Protected edit request == Could you change [[Template:Test4]] to redirect to [[Template:Uw-vandalism4]] to match Wikipedia? Also, to make the progression to 4im make more sense. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC) == Abuse Filter == : ''{{ping|Antandrus}} Could you also give your comment on this?'' Could you add the following terms to the Abuse Filter: * VKKSTUPID (any capitalization) * VKKSTUPIDITY (any capitalization) * AANT (any capitalization) * AANTANDRUS (any capitalization) * encyclopediadramatica.online (any capitalization) * g'p (any capitalization) * g’p (any capitalization) * encyclopediadr'matica (any capitalization) * Antandrus david (any capitalization) * Ilovemycock (any capitalization) * Ilovemycok (any capitalization) * Ethandeath (any capitalization) * Antdeath (any capitalization) * ANTANDRUS FUCK BUDDY (any capitalization) * ANTANDRUS FUKBUDDY (any capitalization) * FUKBUDDY (any capitalization) * WP:BOYS (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * Chicago Boys (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * Wikidiot (any capitalization) * Wikiidiot (any capitalization) * WMFloser (any capitalization) * Wikiloser (any capitalization) * Wikipedo (any capitalization) * Wikipedoa (any capitalization) * PAVLOL (any capitalization) * pause for breath (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * HAHAHA (specified capitalization only) * ANT COCK (any capitalization) * GLOBLALY (any capitalization) * da clock (any capitalization) * archive.is (any capitalization) * archive.ph (any capitalization) * ATTAX (any capitalization) * REMOVETD (any capitalization) * JAN PAWEŁ (any capitalization) * WMF squm (any capitalization) * 'n' (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * WMFhomopedo (any capitalization) * as proven! (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * ilovemydoodle = (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * G-R-P (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only) * GLOBAL BAN EVADER (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only) * ANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization) * AANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization) * ILOVEMYDOODLE LOVES (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only) * a r c h i v e (any capitalization) * WMFVOMIT (any capitalization) * WMFCANCER (any capitalization) * the fodder (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * THANX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only) * THX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only) * all is saved (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * forever blocked (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * blocked loser (any capitalization) * fuckbuddy ant (any capitalization) * fuckbuddy antandrus (any capitalization) * antandr's (any capitalization) * HAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only) * PAUSE FOR BREATH (specified capitalization only) * O YEA (specified capitalization only) * o yea (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * yea YEA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only) * U CANT SLEEP (any capitalization) * ANT-STN (any capitalization) * ency'lopediadram'tica (any capitalization) * GLOBA LOSER (any capitalization) * GLOBAL LOSER (any capitalization) * IN YOUR FACES (specified capitalization only) * in your faces (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * vvkrejects (any capitalization) * VVK (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * IN YO FACES (any capitalization) * vvkhypocrite (any capitalization) * FOFFER (any capitalization) * real life stalker (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * REAL LIFE STALKER (specified capitalization only) * DEFYING LOGIC (specified capitalization only) * FOR WMF (specified capitalization only) * globally blocked lta (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * GLOBALLY BLOCKED LTA (specified capitalization only) * WMF RESPECT (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * wikitruth (any capitalization) * wmf stands for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * wmf stand for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * WMF STANDS FOR (specified capitalization only) * WMF STAND FOR (specified capitalization only) * I LOVE MY COCK (any capitalization) * wmf total (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * WMF TOTAL (specified capitalization only) * fight u (any capitalization) * ET AL (specified capitalization only) * zero brains (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * BL*TANT (any capitalization) * utm*st (any capitalization) * UTMOST (specified capitalization only) * Suckpuppet (any capitalization) * wikihomopedoia (any capitalization) * ED loser (any capitalization) * HAHAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only) * AKA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only) * VVKLOSER (any capitalization) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:46, 10 July 2022 (UTC) :I've edited the abuse filter before, but I'm not a whiz at it. Note that blocking edits outright based on some of these filters would certainly disrupt standard editing. I feel like this is probably not the best way to stop vandalism and would want to get more consensus from the community. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 01:52, 10 July 2022 (UTC) ::How about you block the ones that are obviously vandalism entirely. And the potentially good-faith ones could be allowed only for autoconfirmed. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:17, 10 July 2022 (UTC) :::I'd still want a broader consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 02:22, 10 July 2022 (UTC) ::::Also, could you protect [[Wikiquote:Village pump archive 60|this page]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:24, 10 July 2022 (UTC) :Imagine what GRP would do if when he next logs in Wikiquote using one of his 50 trillion VPNs, and all of his favorite buzzwords get blocked by the Abuse Filter. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:56, 10 July 2022 (UTC) ::Again, please post to the Village Pump to get consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:15, 10 July 2022 (UTC) :::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:44, 10 July 2022 (UTC) == Quick fix needed == Could you please create [[MediaWiki:Dot-separator|this page]]? It's needed for a lot of templates on Wikipedia, so when I import them, they don't work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:16, 11 July 2022 (UTC) ::Question: how do you import revisions? I regularly import templates from Wikipedia, so it would be nice to be able to import the revisions too. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:39, 11 July 2022 (UTC) :::[[Special:Import]], if you are an admin. You are not importing, you're just copying and pasting, which is fine as long as you give attribution in the edit summary or the talk page. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:43, 11 July 2022 (UTC) ::::Is there anyway to import '''without''' being an admin? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:45, 11 July 2022 (UTC) :::::No, just ask an admin to do it. Again, it's fine to completely reproduce any of the content from any WMF project anywhere, it just requires attribution. The problem with copy/paste "importing" is that it may not import all dependencies. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:49, 11 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::Well, I know how to import dependencies, I would just like the ability to import revisions too, as I import hundreds of templates regularly. Also, when copying I often forget to attribute. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:54, 11 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::If you forget, in practice, it's not the biggest deal in the world, but you really should post a note on the talk page saying where it came from and how someone could find attribution at the original source. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:55, 11 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::::Well, according to [[w:WP:IMPORTS|this]], there is a group for <code>import</code>, just like <code>rollback</code>. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:59, 11 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::::Heads up that it's [[:w:en:Help:Import]] or [[:w:en:WP:IMPORT]]. In theory, we can activate importer and transwiki importers here, but we [[Special:ListUsers/import|don't have any]] and I personally can't do it, as it requires a bureaucrat. Generally, import rights outside of being an admin is rare and reserved for weird circumstances (e.g. a user on en.wp who has access to very old server logs and imports edits from 2001 occasionally). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::Can I make a request? And, if so, where? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:19, 11 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::You can request import at the admin's noticeboard. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:25, 11 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:40, 11 July 2022 (UTC) == Revdel request == Could please revdel these two revisions? (they are both by the same vandal) * [[Special:Diff/3140786|1]] * [[Special:Diff/3140787|2]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:08, 12 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC) ::Second one too? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:12, 12 July 2022 (UTC) :::I think you forgot the second one. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC) ::::Check again. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:06, 12 July 2022 (UTC) :::::[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Kim_Il-sung&oldid=3140787 Still there] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:20, 12 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::Gotcha. I deleted the edit summary. Thanks: hate speech has no place here except in the context of historically meaningful and educational quotations.o —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::Could you also give feedback to my question on the village pump? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:36, 12 July 2022 (UTC) == Protection request == Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:11, 12 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} I already did that. Now I've done it twice. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:07, 12 July 2022 (UTC) == Question about the abuse filter == Can importing revisions ever trigger the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:19, 12 July 2022 (UTC) :Probably? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 14:35, 12 July 2022 (UTC) ::Which user right (not group) allows you to bypass the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:01, 12 July 2022 (UTC) :::I don't know anything more than this: [[:mw:Extension:AbuseFilter#User_rights]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 15:55, 12 July 2022 (UTC) ::::Who would know more about this? Should I ping Aklapper? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:13, 12 July 2022 (UTC) :::::Possibly. I think a lot of folks on en.wp would know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:31, 12 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::I already asked a few hours ago on the help desk, still no response. I also asked on meta, also no response. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::I got two answers, here: [[m:Special:Diff/23515465|meta]], [[w:Special:Diff/1097930390|wikipedia]]. So the answer (thankfully) appears to be no. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 13 July 2022 (UTC) == Importer proposal == Could you give me feedback on my importer proposal? (not for/against, just about improving the proposal) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:54, 12 July 2022 (UTC) == <s>Emergency</s> == <s>QOTD missing!</s> {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:01, 13 July 2022 (UTC) == Question about my import proposal == Some of the permissions I know for sure are needed, for others I am pretty sure, and a few are just guesses. So, do you know who specifically I could ask about this? This would make sure that ones that are not needed can be removed, and that needed ones that are not listed can be added. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:47, 13 July 2022 (UTC) :I don't have a recommendation on this, no. It's your proposal: you can make it however you want. You just need to be clear and explain your reasoning. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 11:16, 13 July 2022 (UTC) == <s>QOTD</s>== <s>QOTD is missing!</s> {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:22, 14 July 2022 (UTC) == Question about my requests to you that could be asked more generally on VP or AN == Are you okay with this, or does it bother you? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:32, 14 July 2022 (UTC) :If the worst thing that happens to me here is that someone is too enthusiastic, that's a good problem to have. I like your edits and interest in helping out. I just want to make sure that any kind of radical changes get larger community support. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:37, 14 July 2022 (UTC) == Revdel request == [[Special:Contributions/Mr. Dick Pump|These two edits]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:28, 14 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 14:56, 14 July 2022 (UTC) == Revdel request == [[Special:contribs/2001:E68:6125:E800:9458:3779:9236:6072|Three edit summaries]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:16, 14 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 14:57, 14 July 2022 (UTC) == Revdel request == [[Special:contribs/2603:6010:c600:a8:40c4:fa43:6b2d:63ac|Three revisions]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:00, 15 July 2022 (UTC) :<small>([[:w:WP:TPS|talk page stalker]])</small> {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, {{done}} but only one revision. The others aren't eligible for revdel. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] <small>([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])</small> 20:12, 15 July 2022 (UTC) == Potential issue with import proposal == If the page has already been imported manually and changed since, but the page on the wiki you are importing from has also been changed, then the merge will fail. So is there any kind of right that I could that would let you remove a revision? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:04, 15 July 2022 (UTC) :Just being an admin. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC) ::Does the database keep track of if an edit is imported? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:09, 16 July 2022 (UTC) :::I'm not certain. From what I've seen, it's seamless. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 01:49, 16 July 2022 (UTC) ::::I mean in the backend. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:59, 16 July 2022 (UTC) :::::I'm not sure. I would think so. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 21:13, 16 July 2022 (UTC) == Online == Are you online right now? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:32, 16 July 2022 (UTC) :I'll have a little availability, but I'm getting sleepy actually--I've been sick lately. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC) == Online == Are you still online? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC) == Revdel request == [[Special:Diff/3143353|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:53, 17 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC) == Bureaucrat == I wanted to nominate you for bureaucrat, but I could not think of enough reasons for a full nomination. Could you nominate yourself? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:22, 17 July 2022 (UTC) :{{not done}} I'm pretty busy now, so picking up extra responsibility seems like a bad idea. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC) ::Later? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 17 July 2022 (UTC) :::Maybe! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:59, 17 July 2022 (UTC) == Revdel request == [[Special:Diff/3121426|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:32, 19 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:38, 19 July 2022 (UTC) == Hounding == I have noticed that a particular new editor here seems to be here only in discussion pages, which is fine in my opinion, but they appear to particularly targeting me (voting against various proposals, listing pages for deletion, etc.), and haven't been doing any mainspsce editing or editing in other discussions, does this count as hounding? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 20 July 2022 (UTC) :{{ping|AC9016}} Do you agree? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:38, 20 July 2022 (UTC) :It could be. I haven't seen this behavior yet. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 15:42, 20 July 2022 (UTC) ::[[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|Here]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:44, 20 July 2022 (UTC) :::I have not observed this behavior either. My time on Wikiquote is overwhelmingly spent on creating and editing pages. --[[User:AC9016|AC9016]] ([[User talk:AC9016|talk]]) 15:57, 20 July 2022 (UTC) :::I see you posted to his talk, so let's see where that goes. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 15:58, 20 July 2022 (UTC) == Strikethrough templates == Templates what is your opinion on {{t|Ds}}, {{t|Ts}}, and {{t|Qs}}? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:52, 20 July 2022 (UTC) :It's not obvious to me why these exist. If you need to semantically mark up that something is deleted or struck, then we have those options, so why do we need to visually have a template that strikes something four times? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 07:48, 21 July 2022 (UTC) == Availability == When do you think you could help with the js feature requests previously mentioned? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 21 July 2022 (UTC) :Which one again? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:11, 21 July 2022 (UTC) ::Not specifically one, several small ones over IRC. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:16, 21 July 2022 (UTC) :::Oh, not anytime soon. Sorry. :/ :::I have work, school, and travel. I am happy to do continued maintenance on projects where I am an admin (e.g. here), but doing anything ambitious is on an indefinite hold. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:18, 21 July 2022 (UTC) ::::Not that big, only small to medium additions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:22, 21 July 2022 (UTC) == AN Archives == Hello. I noticed that you sysop-protected [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/037]] but this is blocking [[Special:Contribs/MABot|my bot]] from archiving the [[WQ:AN]] as requested. Would you prefer if I start archiving in [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/038]] instead? If this is due to vandalism, an AbuseFilter could be created to avoid subpages of the AN to be editted by anyone but sysops and bots. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 11:10, 28 July 2022 (UTC) :Maybe your bot can just be an admin? I'm not a bureaucrat, so I can't do it unilaterally, but you're a trusted user, so I don't see that as being a problem. I'll unprotect for now. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 16:30, 28 July 2022 (UTC) ::Thank you. I appreciate your words, but I do not think my bot should have +sysop as it is very dangerous. Bots can, however, edit pages protected up to the autoconfirmed level so if vandalism on that page is an issue you may reprotect it to the "edit: autoconfirmed" level and my bot won't have troubles with bypassing that restriction. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 10:45, 29 July 2022 (UTC) == Hello == I would like to inform you that I have returned here after three weeks. I mainly left due to the large-scale deletion of my templates and modules, most of which was unjustified. I would like to have these undeleted so the issues with templates can be properly addressed, rather than just deleting them. I would like to start by having these templates undeleted: * [[Template:T]] * [[Template:Blockedreason]] * [[Template:Removed]] (and [[Template:Vote removed]]) Do you think you help with this? And, if so, could you add some-sort-of messaging saying that it is currently being worked-on and should ''not'' be immediately re-VfD'd? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 11 August 2022 (UTC) :Welcome. I would recommend starting with the admins who deleted them and see if they think for some reason there was an error or something was deleted out of process. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:50, 11 August 2022 (UTC) ::I am not saying that is out of error, I just think that I can ''easily'' fix the issues that were given as the reason for deletion. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:52, 11 August 2022 (UTC) :::Also, you would need to undelete the associated sub-pages. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:53, 11 August 2022 (UTC) :::Sure, well I would still start with the deleting admin. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:55, 11 August 2022 (UTC) ::::{{done}} added a link to this discussion. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:58, 11 August 2022 (UTC) ::::Wait... the deleting admin only deleted it because of a VfD, so if I am able to address the problems raised in the VfD, couldn't it just be undelete without needless bureaucracy? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:17, 11 August 2022 (UTC) * All I did was close the discussions. In nearly every one, the consensus to delete was unanimous. I would recommend you take some time to consider working on tasks that do not require the creation of large amounts of templates and subpages, give that this wasn't a one-off issue, but one where there were scores of pages that needed to be deleted. [[User:GreenMeansGo|<span style="font-family:Impact"><span style="color:#07CB4B">G</span><span style="color:#449351">M</span><span style="color:#35683d">G</span></span>]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|<sup style="color:#000;font-family:Impact">talk</sup>]] 20:35, 11 August 2022 (UTC) *:{{ping|GreenMeansGo}} My reason for creating these was not just randomly make bad templates, instead I was trying to implement a much larger idea for Wikiquote, but since it would be such a large change and would require large changes to backend things like php and js, I instead only implemented a very small amount of it. But, since I only implemented small amounts of what actually wanted to do '''without context''', I instead made something that doesn't have any propose or value. So, instead, I would like to make a local 'test wiki' where I can work on larger things like this that can later be implemented properly on the main wiki. *:Do you think you could help by sending an xml file of the deleted pages? Thanks, – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:31, 11 August 2022 (UTC) *::I nominated the templates for deletion (and there was unanimous consensus to delete them) because they were fundamentally crap templates. The fact the implementation was terrible was only a small part of the problem, the big issue is that the ''ideas'' behind them were awful. No amount of JavaScript or PHP would have turned those pages into useful templates. *::You have tried to reinvent processes for no good reason (often in really stupid ways involving obnoxious amounts of pings), you have made pointless duplicate templates that recreate functionality that already exists, and have created templates that should not be used under any situation because they violate fundamental project policies and fly in the face of wiki culture. *::Of those three templates the first one duplicates a template we already have, the second was another duplicate template but with some really really terrible modifications, and the third was a horrendously bad idea for a template that should never ''ever'' be used under any situation. *::I would oppose restoring these as the community has made it clear they don't want them. Banning people from nominating them for deletion after a unanimous consensus to delete is also a grossly inappropriate suggestion. The only admin action that I could see being remotely appropriate here is blocking you from template and module space. You clearly do not have the [[W:WP:CIR|competence]] to edit there productively and have made a ridiculous amount of mess treating this project as your personal sandbox that is going to take months and months to clean up. I haven't edited in a week due to real life work, but there is still a vast amount of localisation, clean-up and deletion nominations to be done. Fundamentally as a newbie who has only been here for a couple of months you should not be attempting to "implement a much larger idea for Wikiquote" and completely remake the project according to how you think it should be - that isn't how consensus or wiki communities work. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 01:02, 12 August 2022 (UTC) *:::Forgive me, but, is it not "cleaned up" already? All of templates and modules appear to of been deleted. Also, I was not requesting they all be restored. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:49, 12 August 2022 (UTC) *::::No, it's nowhere near finished. [[Special:WantedCategories]] is still full of clean-up categories that need renaming, merging, and actually creating. There are still a ton of modules and templates that you've copied from other projects without bothering to set them up properly, e.g. [[Module:Pagetype/config]], which still has a load of wikipedia only configurations in it. There are a bunch of unused templates that don't actually make a lot of sense on this project, [[Template:Disputed inline]] doesn't make a great deal of sense when applied to quotations. There are a bunch of templates that I cannot forsee anyone ever using, e.g. [[Template:Background color]] which is used to applying formatting that should never actually be used in pages, <span style="background-color: orange">Like this</span>. And that's before we even get into looking at all the templates that you overwrote with wikipedia specific ones or messed around with for no good reason. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 08:56, 12 August 2022 (UTC) *:::Please don’t, I have stopped the template creation and will only return to it when I know what I'm doing. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:41, 12 August 2022 (UTC) ::::Don't get discouraged brother or sister. Figure it out. Lord knows I'm lucky to understand how email works some of the time. But do it on a test wiki. [[User:GreenMeansGo|<span style="font-family:Impact"><span style="color:#07CB4B">G</span><span style="color:#449351">M</span><span style="color:#35683d">G</span></span>]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|<sup style="color:#000;font-family:Impact">talk</sup>]] 02:44, 13 August 2022 (UTC) == Revdel request == [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle&type=revision&diff=3146038&oldid=3145984&diffmode=source This]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:37, 20 August 2022 (UTC) :{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, while it is an inappropriate comment, I don't think it is eligible for RevDel. It is just a "normal" personal attack. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] <small>([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])</small> 11:24, 20 August 2022 (UTC) ::I'm a fan of [[:w:en:WP:DENY]] and happy to revdel things that don't even try to add to this site. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 16:31, 20 August 2022 (UTC) :::[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Sandbox&diff=prev&oldid=3146034&diffmode=source This] should probably be removed as well. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:50, 21 August 2022 (UTC) :::Wouldn't say that spending time going back to a month old edit no-one else will be looking at is a way of denying recognition to vandals. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] <small>([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])</small> 22:03, 21 August 2022 (UTC) ::::Okay, if you want to leave this kind of trash in the edit history, you can. As I come across abusive edits like this, I remove them. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:04, 21 August 2022 (UTC) :::::It's not great to be in the edit history, but we are hiding these kinds of edits from public view. Would you say that the edit revision, as well as the edit summary, is bad enough that it should be hidden from other editors? Particularly with this edit - what is the worst that would happen if it was just left alone? --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] <small>([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])</small> 22:09, 21 August 2022 (UTC) ::::::Yes and probably nothing other than giving a troll what he wants. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:12, 21 August 2022 (UTC) ::{{ping|Ferien}} Shouldn’t all personal attacks be revdeled? I thought "special" personal attacks are meant to be oversighted. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:52, 21 August 2022 (UTC) :::{{re|Ilovemydoodle}} No absolutely not. There is no RevDel policy here, and we should definitely get one some point soon, but RevDel is generally only used for grossly inappropriate content. Both of these revisions certainly wouldn't be eligible for revision deletion at all on any other wiki I'm active on, especially not on English Wikipedia. And oversight can only be used for "a blatant attack is one obviously intended to denigrate, threaten, libel, insult, or harass someone." --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] <small>([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])</small> 22:00, 21 August 2022 (UTC) ::::I think revdel should be used on any edit harmful bad-faith edit. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:38, 22 August 2022 (UTC) == Revdel request == [[Special:Contributions/Deadlybreeze|These]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:54, 22 August 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 08:02, 22 August 2022 (UTC) ::Also, is [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Wikimedia_Forum&oldid=23694862#Question_about_dumps_(this_is_actually_needed,_not_just_a_stupid/pointless_question) this] possible? (without dev access) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 08:10, 22 August 2022 (UTC) ::[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle&type=revision&diff=3148586&oldid=3147432&diffmode=source This too]! Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 08:13, 22 August 2022 (UTC) == Block request == Could you softblock {{u|Ilovemycock}}? (I created it to prevent abuse) Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:04, 25 August 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} by {{u|Ferien}}. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:24, 25 August 2022 (UTC) == Abuse filter == Could you import [[test2wiki:Special:AbuseFilter/29 this]] filter onto this wiki? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:46, 26 August 2022 (UTC) lh8c55482khxppvmstrnhc305hzi0rj 3158096 3158095 2022-08-26T07:04:56Z Ilovemydoodle 3120156 /* Abuse filter */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{User talk:Koavf/Template:Archive}} <!-- Please leave comments below this line. --> == Template:Username == Could you please make [[Template:Username]] show the User’s name? I need it for several Templates. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:19, 12 June 2022 (UTC) :What do you have in mind? Does {{tl|Ping}} not work? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:53, 12 June 2022 (UTC) ::I mean the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:56, 12 June 2022 (UTC) :::{{ping|Kalki}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:12, 13 June 2022 (UTC) :::{{ping|koavf}} ::::I have no idea what you need. What would the template do? How would you use it? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:42, 13 June 2022 (UTC) :::::A template that displays the username or IP address of the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:49, 13 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::Do you have an example on another wiki that does this? I recalled that there was a magic word for this, but I can't seem to find it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:45, 13 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::No, but this is still a very useful *potential* feature. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:45, 7 July 2022 (UTC) == Request to add Editnotice == Could you add [[User:Ilovemydoodle/FakeBlockMessage|this]] Editnotice to my User and User Talk pages? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:38, 15 June 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} Are you sure you want that message? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 02:39, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::Yes. Thank you, you are the best admin. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:52, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::Also, it isn't showing up, could you fix this? ::Edit: I think you need to create the page [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-2-Ilovemydoodle|here]] (and [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-3-Ilovemydoodle|here]] for the Talk Page) for it to actually work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:54, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::That doesn't seem to have done the trick. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:02, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::::Maybe try some test text instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::::I can. Seems like your hack should work, per [[mw:Manual:Interface/Edit notice]], tho. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::Maybe file a phab report? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:07, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::I fixed it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:12, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::Could you also protect the page so only I and Administrators can edit it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::No, there's no way to do that, other than by manually blocking that one page from every user who isn't an admin or you. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:53, 16 June 2022 (UTC) : {| style="border: 1px solid gray; background-color: #fdffe7;" |rowspan="2" style="vertical-align:middle;" | [[File:SpecialBarnstar.png|100px]] |rowspan="2" | |style="font-size: x-large; padding: 0; vertical-align: middle; height: 1.1em;" | '''The Special Barnstar''' |- |style="vertical-align: middle; border-top: 1px solid gray;" | For actually doing this, I think most other Administrators take themselves to far too seriously to do something like this. |} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:29, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :Thanks kindly. I'm here to serve. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC) == Merge fork == Could you merge my fork of [[Joe Biden]] into the main page (revisions included)? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:59, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :Probably, but you have to meet me half-way here and link to said fork. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:03, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::[[User:Ilovemydoodle/forks/Main/Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::"No revisions can be merged." —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:09, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::::Why? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:16, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::::¯\_(ツ)_/¯ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:17, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::Try now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:19, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::"No revisions can be merged." —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::Maybe try importing them instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::How? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::Okay I figured it, this might sound strange, but it should work, merge [[Joe Biden]] into my fork, delete the original [[Joe Biden]] page and then move my fork to [[Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:49, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::"Source revisions overlap or come after destination revisions." You should just edit the main article. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:00, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::Also, do you have any work for me to do on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::::Wow, great question. I think the best thing that can happen here is if someone helps to bring more [[m:Structured Wikiquote|structure and semantics to Wikiquote]]. On a structural level, that is beyond any one person fixing, but anyone can add templates, metadata, etc. E.g. if you cite a source, include a citation template or use proper list semantics, such as not putting line breaks between bullets in a list. That and adding accessibility features like [[:w:en:WP:ALT|alt text]] are important issues to me. Thanks for asking and for all you do around here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::::I have been doing some of these things for while now, I will continue to do so also doing the other things you mentioned, but I was mainly looking for one or two shorter tasks to do now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:10, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::Hi {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, in terms of work to do on Wikiquote: *[[:Category:Wikiquote no intro]] need intros *[[:Category:Video games]]' contents needs sorting into categories by year *[[:Category:Wikiquote cleanup]] has hundreds of articles needing cleanup *[[Flooding]] could potentially be an article rather than redirect, not 100 percent sure though, depends on quotability. *There are many entire countries with no article yet. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::Also thank you again Koavf for the admin/maintenance work. I hope we get to see you back at enwiki eventually. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:21, 16 June 2022 (UTC) :::Thanks, RC! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC) ::No worries. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:51, 16 June 2022 (UTC) == Feature == Help, I really needed a feature added that lets a Template tell which skin your using. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:58, 19 June 2022 (UTC) :Wow, I have no idea how to do that. You want to be a thrid party that knows which skin someone is using? I'm not sure that is an option. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:09, 19 June 2022 (UTC) ::I really need it, apparently the background of my talk page break certain features, but only on one skin, and after fixing now it only works on that skin and doesn't work on others, so I really need this fixed, maybe something using css files? ::Edit: I figured it out, just add some css to the css file for each skin: ::* [[Mediawiki:vector.css]] ::* [[Mediawiki:vector-2022.css]] ::* [[Mediawiki:minerva.css]] ::* [[Mediawiki:monobook.css]] ::* [[Mediawiki:timeless.css]] ::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:55, 19 June 2022 (UTC) :::{{ping|koavf}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:23, 20 June 2022 (UTC) ::::I'm confused why you're pinging me. You just wrote, "I figured it out", so I thought there was no action for me here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:35, 20 June 2022 (UTC) :::::No, I meant that I figured out how YOU can fix it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:52, 20 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::What do you want me to insert in the CSS files? I'm reluctant to do this as it will modify the site for all users, but I'm not entirely opposed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:03, 20 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::Just make it you have something that only appears when that skin is active. :::::::Edit: You can do this by making something invisible in common.css and then setting it visible in the skin’s css file. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:05, 20 June 2022 (UTC) == Feature request == Could you make a very useful JavaScript hack for me? Ping me when your ready and I'll give you more information. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:21, 23 June 2022 (UTC) :I'm putting something on my calendar for next weekend--I'm busy this weekend. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:42, 23 June 2022 (UTC) ::Could you please do the other request above, though? (I really need it for something) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 23 June 2022 (UTC) :::All of them exist except one. I'll add a comment to it and then I suppose that resolves it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:53, 23 June 2022 (UTC) ::::No I mean in each file could you put: ::::<code>span.show-[skin name here] {display: initial;}</code><br><code>span.hide-[skin name here] {display: none;}</code> ::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:00, 23 June 2022 (UTC) :::::No, I'm not sure what that will do. I'm trying to think of how that would appear in CSS and that seems like it would not display the user preferences. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 21:01, 23 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::Well, you just add this code to common.css for each skin: ::::::<code>span.show-[skin name here] {display: none;}</code><br><code>span.hide-[skin name here] {display: initial;}</code> ::::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:03, 23 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::I'm reluctant to do that becuase of the concerns above. Do you have an example wiki where someone did this? I don't want to tinker with site-wide CSS without a really good reason. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 21:04, 23 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::Well, I can't think of any other wiki, but this IS quite important. On my user page I implemented a feature that perfectly well for me, but another user informed me that it didn't work in one skin, so I made one for that skin, but it only worked in that skin, so I need some code to differentiate between skins. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:10, 23 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::Could please give me more information about this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:08, 25 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::If I edit site-wide CSS, that will impact all users with a given skin. So I want to be very conservative about doing that and I don't want to even experiment, lest I mess up someone's view of the site. If you have examples of other wikis doing this or can justify why you need it done with some clarity, then maybe I can help you. Better yet woudl be community consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:15, 25 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::Basically, I want a feature where I can create a span with the class "[Skin Name Here]-show" and it will only show it for users viewing in that skin, there would also be a "[Skin Name Here]-hide" which would do the reverse. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 25 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::And I need to have a greater justification than just your personal preference before I tinker with site-wide CSS. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:44, 25 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::::A lot of Templates need different code for each skin to display properly. Also, I don't see any harm in adding this. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:46, 25 June 2022 (UTC) == Response time == Is there anyway to have a discussion in real-time? I would like to have several long discussions about feature requests, but that's not really doable if it takes days between each comment. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:23, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :I have really only used Gchat (or whatever it's called now) for IMing, but sure. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::What is Gchat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :::Google's IMing, associated with Gmail. Again, it's been called a million things. Hangouts now? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::::Any WMF way of live chat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :::::I think Matrix: [[m:matrix]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:38, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::I keep hearing about "libera chat", is it what I want? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:40, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::Correct. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::So, could you explain what it is and how to do what I am requesting with it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::I've never used it. I just know that it's the replacement for IRC (which I very rarely used). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:47, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::What’s IRC again? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:52, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::{{w|Internet Relay Chat}}, which was more-or-less popular as a group chat option for decades and the best server for it, {{w|Freenode}} was bought by a jerk, so everyone jumped ship to Libera. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:06, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::How does libera work? Would it be good for what I want? And, do you have an account there? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:08, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::::It's a good chat service, as I understand it and would meet your needs. I've never used it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:13, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::::Can you create an account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:48, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::::::Sure, if that's the method you want to use. I'm here to help. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 07:00, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::::::What is the name of your account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:05, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::::::::@koavf:matrix.org —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 01:05, 27 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::::::::{{ping|koavf}} I mean on libera. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:38, 28 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::::::::::Gotcha. I haven't made one yet. I can when I'm free-er. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 12:52, 28 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::::::::::When will that be? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:53, 28 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::::::::::::I have a calendar reminder for the following weekend (i.e. not in a few days but a week and a half). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 12:58, 28 June 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::::::::::::I am wondering if we can do it today instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:07, 28 June 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::::::::::::::I cannot. I have a busy-ish day and a very busy day tomorrow. To the extent that I can screw around on the Internet, it has to be pretty limited. I'm happy to meet at a time that's mutually convenient, of course. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 13:10, 28 June 2022 (UTC) {{Outdent|::::::::::}}Thank you! When your ready I have a lot to discuss. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:17, 28 June 2022 (UTC) :Also, when your ready, could you leave a message saying so on my Talk Page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:03, 4 July 2022 (UTC) ::Can do. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:11, 4 July 2022 (UTC) :::Can you just send me a calendar invite if you need to chat? I'm afraid that it's hard for me to make the time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:03, 7 July 2022 (UTC) ::::I am not sure how to do that, do you mean like mentally, or on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:54, 7 July 2022 (UTC) :::::Sorry, I meant to my email address: justinkoavf[littleanarchysymbol][google's email service][period]com. If you can't do that or don't want to share your email address with me, then please let me know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:14, 7 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::I have had my email address removed a long time ago due to abuse, so I can't use my email. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:18, 7 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::You can't email me directly? That's fine. When would you like to chat? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:35, 7 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::::When ever you’re ready to implement a lot of stuff. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:38, 7 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::::Also, which Template de-indents a discussion? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:58, 7 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::{{tl|outdent}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:04, 7 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::::Do you have any set date that you would be willing to help implement (or at-least begin the implementation of) a lot of features? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:28, 7 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::Unfortunately, I'm busy with work and personal things in July, so I've had a hard time setting a time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::Also, why did you obfuscate your email address? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 7 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::What is "[littleanarchysymbol]"? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:12, 7 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::Obfuscated for bots. [littleanarchysymbol] = "@". —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::::I’m confused, what do you mean obfuscated for bots? Also, if it's obfuscated how I am meant to read it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:49, 8 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::::So that a bot couldn't harvest it and spam me. You may be able to read it because you can decode things that a bot can't. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 02:48, 8 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:03, 8 July 2022 (UTC) == Bug fix == In [[Special:ListUsers]] "Administrator" is capitalized, on all other wikis (including Wikipedia) it is lower case. Could you please fix this? You could do this by either making it lower case, or by capitalizing all User Rights. (the second option is the one I prefer) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:28, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :But all of them are upper case now, so at least that's consistent. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::Oh wait, I see. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :I think fixing it would require recreating [[MediaWiki:Administrators]] and making it lower-case, but I'm not sure of all the places where it would be changed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:34, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::I don't see the problem with doing that. Also, if you prefer it capitalized, you could just capitalize all User Groups. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:36, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :::Because it may be transcluded other places where it shouldn't be capitalized. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:37, 26 June 2022 (UTC) ::::Well, it's just fine on en.wp. Also, which option do you prefer? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:39, 26 June 2022 (UTC) :::::I have no strong feelings on this and while I am actually usually very in favor of consistency and proper usage, this one doesn't bother me much. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC) == A question for you == If you ever get unblocked from enwiki, will you still regularly contribute here? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:46, 7 July 2022 (UTC) :For sure. I plan on it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:13, 7 July 2022 (UTC) == Issue with your archive page == A lot of users used <code><nowiki>{{PAGENAME}}</nowiki></code> instead <code>koavf</code> on your Talk Page, so when you archived the page it now says "Hi koavf/archive001" instead of just "Hi koavf." Could you fix this? (I can't since you protected the page) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:05, 7 July 2022 (UTC) :Sure, thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC) == Rollback vote == Could you vote [[Wikiquote:Requests for Rollback/Ilovemydoodle|here]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:51, 8 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC) == Protection request == Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC) == Revdel request == [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|This page]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC) ::Still isn’t done. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:40, 9 July 2022 (UTC) :::Wait why is the page gone? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:48, 9 July 2022 (UTC) ::::It's back. The easiest way to delete dozens of revisions is to delete the entire page and then un-delete the revisions that you want. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:50, 9 July 2022 (UTC) :::::Ohhhhhhhh. I was really confused why you were deleting the whole page. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:55, 9 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::Koavf, could you do a full cleansing of the page? What I mean is removing all vandal revisions to the very beginning (even those already revdeled), and then also removing the reverts of those revisions as well. Could you do this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::That should be most of them. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:20, 9 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::::Could you also remove the undos of vandalism? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:23, 9 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::::Nothing even displays: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive_1&diff=next&oldid=3139360 Is this really necessary? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:25, 9 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::I would like to do it, to reduce clutter and potential for confusion, so, yes. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:32, 9 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::Thank you, Koavf! – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:51, 10 July 2022 (UTC) == Protected edit request == Could you change [[Template:Test4]] to redirect to [[Template:Uw-vandalism4]] to match Wikipedia? Also, to make the progression to 4im make more sense. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC) == Abuse Filter == : ''{{ping|Antandrus}} Could you also give your comment on this?'' Could you add the following terms to the Abuse Filter: * VKKSTUPID (any capitalization) * VKKSTUPIDITY (any capitalization) * AANT (any capitalization) * AANTANDRUS (any capitalization) * encyclopediadramatica.online (any capitalization) * g'p (any capitalization) * g’p (any capitalization) * encyclopediadr'matica (any capitalization) * Antandrus david (any capitalization) * Ilovemycock (any capitalization) * Ilovemycok (any capitalization) * Ethandeath (any capitalization) * Antdeath (any capitalization) * ANTANDRUS FUCK BUDDY (any capitalization) * ANTANDRUS FUKBUDDY (any capitalization) * FUKBUDDY (any capitalization) * WP:BOYS (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * Chicago Boys (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * Wikidiot (any capitalization) * Wikiidiot (any capitalization) * WMFloser (any capitalization) * Wikiloser (any capitalization) * Wikipedo (any capitalization) * Wikipedoa (any capitalization) * PAVLOL (any capitalization) * pause for breath (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * HAHAHA (specified capitalization only) * ANT COCK (any capitalization) * GLOBLALY (any capitalization) * da clock (any capitalization) * archive.is (any capitalization) * archive.ph (any capitalization) * ATTAX (any capitalization) * REMOVETD (any capitalization) * JAN PAWEŁ (any capitalization) * WMF squm (any capitalization) * 'n' (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * WMFhomopedo (any capitalization) * as proven! (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * ilovemydoodle = (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * G-R-P (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only) * GLOBAL BAN EVADER (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only) * ANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization) * AANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization) * ILOVEMYDOODLE LOVES (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only) * a r c h i v e (any capitalization) * WMFVOMIT (any capitalization) * WMFCANCER (any capitalization) * the fodder (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * THANX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only) * THX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only) * all is saved (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * forever blocked (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * blocked loser (any capitalization) * fuckbuddy ant (any capitalization) * fuckbuddy antandrus (any capitalization) * antandr's (any capitalization) * HAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only) * PAUSE FOR BREATH (specified capitalization only) * O YEA (specified capitalization only) * o yea (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * yea YEA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only) * U CANT SLEEP (any capitalization) * ANT-STN (any capitalization) * ency'lopediadram'tica (any capitalization) * GLOBA LOSER (any capitalization) * GLOBAL LOSER (any capitalization) * IN YOUR FACES (specified capitalization only) * in your faces (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * vvkrejects (any capitalization) * VVK (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * IN YO FACES (any capitalization) * vvkhypocrite (any capitalization) * FOFFER (any capitalization) * real life stalker (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * REAL LIFE STALKER (specified capitalization only) * DEFYING LOGIC (specified capitalization only) * FOR WMF (specified capitalization only) * globally blocked lta (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * GLOBALLY BLOCKED LTA (specified capitalization only) * WMF RESPECT (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * wikitruth (any capitalization) * wmf stands for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * wmf stand for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * WMF STANDS FOR (specified capitalization only) * WMF STAND FOR (specified capitalization only) * I LOVE MY COCK (any capitalization) * wmf total (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * WMF TOTAL (specified capitalization only) * fight u (any capitalization) * ET AL (specified capitalization only) * zero brains (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only) * BL*TANT (any capitalization) * utm*st (any capitalization) * UTMOST (specified capitalization only) * Suckpuppet (any capitalization) * wikihomopedoia (any capitalization) * ED loser (any capitalization) * HAHAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only) * AKA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only) * VVKLOSER (any capitalization) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:46, 10 July 2022 (UTC) :I've edited the abuse filter before, but I'm not a whiz at it. Note that blocking edits outright based on some of these filters would certainly disrupt standard editing. I feel like this is probably not the best way to stop vandalism and would want to get more consensus from the community. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 01:52, 10 July 2022 (UTC) ::How about you block the ones that are obviously vandalism entirely. And the potentially good-faith ones could be allowed only for autoconfirmed. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:17, 10 July 2022 (UTC) :::I'd still want a broader consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 02:22, 10 July 2022 (UTC) ::::Also, could you protect [[Wikiquote:Village pump archive 60|this page]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:24, 10 July 2022 (UTC) :Imagine what GRP would do if when he next logs in Wikiquote using one of his 50 trillion VPNs, and all of his favorite buzzwords get blocked by the Abuse Filter. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:56, 10 July 2022 (UTC) ::Again, please post to the Village Pump to get consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:15, 10 July 2022 (UTC) :::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:44, 10 July 2022 (UTC) == Quick fix needed == Could you please create [[MediaWiki:Dot-separator|this page]]? It's needed for a lot of templates on Wikipedia, so when I import them, they don't work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:16, 11 July 2022 (UTC) ::Question: how do you import revisions? I regularly import templates from Wikipedia, so it would be nice to be able to import the revisions too. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:39, 11 July 2022 (UTC) :::[[Special:Import]], if you are an admin. You are not importing, you're just copying and pasting, which is fine as long as you give attribution in the edit summary or the talk page. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:43, 11 July 2022 (UTC) ::::Is there anyway to import '''without''' being an admin? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:45, 11 July 2022 (UTC) :::::No, just ask an admin to do it. Again, it's fine to completely reproduce any of the content from any WMF project anywhere, it just requires attribution. The problem with copy/paste "importing" is that it may not import all dependencies. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:49, 11 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::Well, I know how to import dependencies, I would just like the ability to import revisions too, as I import hundreds of templates regularly. Also, when copying I often forget to attribute. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:54, 11 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::If you forget, in practice, it's not the biggest deal in the world, but you really should post a note on the talk page saying where it came from and how someone could find attribution at the original source. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:55, 11 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::::Well, according to [[w:WP:IMPORTS|this]], there is a group for <code>import</code>, just like <code>rollback</code>. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:59, 11 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::::Heads up that it's [[:w:en:Help:Import]] or [[:w:en:WP:IMPORT]]. In theory, we can activate importer and transwiki importers here, but we [[Special:ListUsers/import|don't have any]] and I personally can't do it, as it requires a bureaucrat. Generally, import rights outside of being an admin is rare and reserved for weird circumstances (e.g. a user on en.wp who has access to very old server logs and imports edits from 2001 occasionally). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::Can I make a request? And, if so, where? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:19, 11 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::::::You can request import at the admin's noticeboard. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:25, 11 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:40, 11 July 2022 (UTC) == Revdel request == Could please revdel these two revisions? (they are both by the same vandal) * [[Special:Diff/3140786|1]] * [[Special:Diff/3140787|2]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:08, 12 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC) ::Second one too? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:12, 12 July 2022 (UTC) :::I think you forgot the second one. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC) ::::Check again. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:06, 12 July 2022 (UTC) :::::[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Kim_Il-sung&oldid=3140787 Still there] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:20, 12 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::Gotcha. I deleted the edit summary. Thanks: hate speech has no place here except in the context of historically meaningful and educational quotations.o —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::Could you also give feedback to my question on the village pump? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:36, 12 July 2022 (UTC) == Protection request == Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:11, 12 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} I already did that. Now I've done it twice. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:07, 12 July 2022 (UTC) == Question about the abuse filter == Can importing revisions ever trigger the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:19, 12 July 2022 (UTC) :Probably? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 14:35, 12 July 2022 (UTC) ::Which user right (not group) allows you to bypass the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:01, 12 July 2022 (UTC) :::I don't know anything more than this: [[:mw:Extension:AbuseFilter#User_rights]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 15:55, 12 July 2022 (UTC) ::::Who would know more about this? Should I ping Aklapper? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:13, 12 July 2022 (UTC) :::::Possibly. I think a lot of folks on en.wp would know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:31, 12 July 2022 (UTC) ::::::I already asked a few hours ago on the help desk, still no response. I also asked on meta, also no response. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC) :::::::I got two answers, here: [[m:Special:Diff/23515465|meta]], [[w:Special:Diff/1097930390|wikipedia]]. So the answer (thankfully) appears to be no. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 13 July 2022 (UTC) == Importer proposal == Could you give me feedback on my importer proposal? (not for/against, just about improving the proposal) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:54, 12 July 2022 (UTC) == <s>Emergency</s> == <s>QOTD missing!</s> {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:01, 13 July 2022 (UTC) == Question about my import proposal == Some of the permissions I know for sure are needed, for others I am pretty sure, and a few are just guesses. So, do you know who specifically I could ask about this? This would make sure that ones that are not needed can be removed, and that needed ones that are not listed can be added. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:47, 13 July 2022 (UTC) :I don't have a recommendation on this, no. It's your proposal: you can make it however you want. You just need to be clear and explain your reasoning. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 11:16, 13 July 2022 (UTC) == <s>QOTD</s>== <s>QOTD is missing!</s> {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:22, 14 July 2022 (UTC) == Question about my requests to you that could be asked more generally on VP or AN == Are you okay with this, or does it bother you? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:32, 14 July 2022 (UTC) :If the worst thing that happens to me here is that someone is too enthusiastic, that's a good problem to have. I like your edits and interest in helping out. I just want to make sure that any kind of radical changes get larger community support. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:37, 14 July 2022 (UTC) == Revdel request == [[Special:Contributions/Mr. Dick Pump|These two edits]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:28, 14 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 14:56, 14 July 2022 (UTC) == Revdel request == [[Special:contribs/2001:E68:6125:E800:9458:3779:9236:6072|Three edit summaries]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:16, 14 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 14:57, 14 July 2022 (UTC) == Revdel request == [[Special:contribs/2603:6010:c600:a8:40c4:fa43:6b2d:63ac|Three revisions]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:00, 15 July 2022 (UTC) :<small>([[:w:WP:TPS|talk page stalker]])</small> {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, {{done}} but only one revision. The others aren't eligible for revdel. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] <small>([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])</small> 20:12, 15 July 2022 (UTC) == Potential issue with import proposal == If the page has already been imported manually and changed since, but the page on the wiki you are importing from has also been changed, then the merge will fail. So is there any kind of right that I could that would let you remove a revision? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:04, 15 July 2022 (UTC) :Just being an admin. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC) ::Does the database keep track of if an edit is imported? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:09, 16 July 2022 (UTC) :::I'm not certain. From what I've seen, it's seamless. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 01:49, 16 July 2022 (UTC) ::::I mean in the backend. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:59, 16 July 2022 (UTC) :::::I'm not sure. I would think so. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 21:13, 16 July 2022 (UTC) == Online == Are you online right now? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:32, 16 July 2022 (UTC) :I'll have a little availability, but I'm getting sleepy actually--I've been sick lately. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC) == Online == Are you still online? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC) == Revdel request == [[Special:Diff/3143353|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:53, 17 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC) == Bureaucrat == I wanted to nominate you for bureaucrat, but I could not think of enough reasons for a full nomination. Could you nominate yourself? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:22, 17 July 2022 (UTC) :{{not done}} I'm pretty busy now, so picking up extra responsibility seems like a bad idea. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC) ::Later? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 17 July 2022 (UTC) :::Maybe! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:59, 17 July 2022 (UTC) == Revdel request == [[Special:Diff/3121426|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:32, 19 July 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:38, 19 July 2022 (UTC) == Hounding == I have noticed that a particular new editor here seems to be here only in discussion pages, which is fine in my opinion, but they appear to particularly targeting me (voting against various proposals, listing pages for deletion, etc.), and haven't been doing any mainspsce editing or editing in other discussions, does this count as hounding? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 20 July 2022 (UTC) :{{ping|AC9016}} Do you agree? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:38, 20 July 2022 (UTC) :It could be. I haven't seen this behavior yet. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 15:42, 20 July 2022 (UTC) ::[[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|Here]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:44, 20 July 2022 (UTC) :::I have not observed this behavior either. My time on Wikiquote is overwhelmingly spent on creating and editing pages. --[[User:AC9016|AC9016]] ([[User talk:AC9016|talk]]) 15:57, 20 July 2022 (UTC) :::I see you posted to his talk, so let's see where that goes. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 15:58, 20 July 2022 (UTC) == Strikethrough templates == Templates what is your opinion on {{t|Ds}}, {{t|Ts}}, and {{t|Qs}}? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:52, 20 July 2022 (UTC) :It's not obvious to me why these exist. If you need to semantically mark up that something is deleted or struck, then we have those options, so why do we need to visually have a template that strikes something four times? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 07:48, 21 July 2022 (UTC) == Availability == When do you think you could help with the js feature requests previously mentioned? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 21 July 2022 (UTC) :Which one again? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:11, 21 July 2022 (UTC) ::Not specifically one, several small ones over IRC. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:16, 21 July 2022 (UTC) :::Oh, not anytime soon. Sorry. :/ :::I have work, school, and travel. I am happy to do continued maintenance on projects where I am an admin (e.g. here), but doing anything ambitious is on an indefinite hold. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:18, 21 July 2022 (UTC) ::::Not that big, only small to medium additions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:22, 21 July 2022 (UTC) == AN Archives == Hello. I noticed that you sysop-protected [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/037]] but this is blocking [[Special:Contribs/MABot|my bot]] from archiving the [[WQ:AN]] as requested. Would you prefer if I start archiving in [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/038]] instead? If this is due to vandalism, an AbuseFilter could be created to avoid subpages of the AN to be editted by anyone but sysops and bots. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 11:10, 28 July 2022 (UTC) :Maybe your bot can just be an admin? I'm not a bureaucrat, so I can't do it unilaterally, but you're a trusted user, so I don't see that as being a problem. I'll unprotect for now. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 16:30, 28 July 2022 (UTC) ::Thank you. I appreciate your words, but I do not think my bot should have +sysop as it is very dangerous. Bots can, however, edit pages protected up to the autoconfirmed level so if vandalism on that page is an issue you may reprotect it to the "edit: autoconfirmed" level and my bot won't have troubles with bypassing that restriction. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 10:45, 29 July 2022 (UTC) == Hello == I would like to inform you that I have returned here after three weeks. I mainly left due to the large-scale deletion of my templates and modules, most of which was unjustified. I would like to have these undeleted so the issues with templates can be properly addressed, rather than just deleting them. I would like to start by having these templates undeleted: * [[Template:T]] * [[Template:Blockedreason]] * [[Template:Removed]] (and [[Template:Vote removed]]) Do you think you help with this? And, if so, could you add some-sort-of messaging saying that it is currently being worked-on and should ''not'' be immediately re-VfD'd? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 11 August 2022 (UTC) :Welcome. I would recommend starting with the admins who deleted them and see if they think for some reason there was an error or something was deleted out of process. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:50, 11 August 2022 (UTC) ::I am not saying that is out of error, I just think that I can ''easily'' fix the issues that were given as the reason for deletion. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:52, 11 August 2022 (UTC) :::Also, you would need to undelete the associated sub-pages. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:53, 11 August 2022 (UTC) :::Sure, well I would still start with the deleting admin. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:55, 11 August 2022 (UTC) ::::{{done}} added a link to this discussion. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:58, 11 August 2022 (UTC) ::::Wait... the deleting admin only deleted it because of a VfD, so if I am able to address the problems raised in the VfD, couldn't it just be undelete without needless bureaucracy? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:17, 11 August 2022 (UTC) * All I did was close the discussions. In nearly every one, the consensus to delete was unanimous. I would recommend you take some time to consider working on tasks that do not require the creation of large amounts of templates and subpages, give that this wasn't a one-off issue, but one where there were scores of pages that needed to be deleted. [[User:GreenMeansGo|<span style="font-family:Impact"><span style="color:#07CB4B">G</span><span style="color:#449351">M</span><span style="color:#35683d">G</span></span>]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|<sup style="color:#000;font-family:Impact">talk</sup>]] 20:35, 11 August 2022 (UTC) *:{{ping|GreenMeansGo}} My reason for creating these was not just randomly make bad templates, instead I was trying to implement a much larger idea for Wikiquote, but since it would be such a large change and would require large changes to backend things like php and js, I instead only implemented a very small amount of it. But, since I only implemented small amounts of what actually wanted to do '''without context''', I instead made something that doesn't have any propose or value. So, instead, I would like to make a local 'test wiki' where I can work on larger things like this that can later be implemented properly on the main wiki. *:Do you think you could help by sending an xml file of the deleted pages? Thanks, – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:31, 11 August 2022 (UTC) *::I nominated the templates for deletion (and there was unanimous consensus to delete them) because they were fundamentally crap templates. The fact the implementation was terrible was only a small part of the problem, the big issue is that the ''ideas'' behind them were awful. No amount of JavaScript or PHP would have turned those pages into useful templates. *::You have tried to reinvent processes for no good reason (often in really stupid ways involving obnoxious amounts of pings), you have made pointless duplicate templates that recreate functionality that already exists, and have created templates that should not be used under any situation because they violate fundamental project policies and fly in the face of wiki culture. *::Of those three templates the first one duplicates a template we already have, the second was another duplicate template but with some really really terrible modifications, and the third was a horrendously bad idea for a template that should never ''ever'' be used under any situation. *::I would oppose restoring these as the community has made it clear they don't want them. Banning people from nominating them for deletion after a unanimous consensus to delete is also a grossly inappropriate suggestion. The only admin action that I could see being remotely appropriate here is blocking you from template and module space. You clearly do not have the [[W:WP:CIR|competence]] to edit there productively and have made a ridiculous amount of mess treating this project as your personal sandbox that is going to take months and months to clean up. I haven't edited in a week due to real life work, but there is still a vast amount of localisation, clean-up and deletion nominations to be done. Fundamentally as a newbie who has only been here for a couple of months you should not be attempting to "implement a much larger idea for Wikiquote" and completely remake the project according to how you think it should be - that isn't how consensus or wiki communities work. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 01:02, 12 August 2022 (UTC) *:::Forgive me, but, is it not "cleaned up" already? All of templates and modules appear to of been deleted. Also, I was not requesting they all be restored. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:49, 12 August 2022 (UTC) *::::No, it's nowhere near finished. [[Special:WantedCategories]] is still full of clean-up categories that need renaming, merging, and actually creating. There are still a ton of modules and templates that you've copied from other projects without bothering to set them up properly, e.g. [[Module:Pagetype/config]], which still has a load of wikipedia only configurations in it. There are a bunch of unused templates that don't actually make a lot of sense on this project, [[Template:Disputed inline]] doesn't make a great deal of sense when applied to quotations. There are a bunch of templates that I cannot forsee anyone ever using, e.g. [[Template:Background color]] which is used to applying formatting that should never actually be used in pages, <span style="background-color: orange">Like this</span>. And that's before we even get into looking at all the templates that you overwrote with wikipedia specific ones or messed around with for no good reason. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 08:56, 12 August 2022 (UTC) *:::Please don’t, I have stopped the template creation and will only return to it when I know what I'm doing. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:41, 12 August 2022 (UTC) ::::Don't get discouraged brother or sister. Figure it out. Lord knows I'm lucky to understand how email works some of the time. But do it on a test wiki. [[User:GreenMeansGo|<span style="font-family:Impact"><span style="color:#07CB4B">G</span><span style="color:#449351">M</span><span style="color:#35683d">G</span></span>]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|<sup style="color:#000;font-family:Impact">talk</sup>]] 02:44, 13 August 2022 (UTC) == Revdel request == [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle&type=revision&diff=3146038&oldid=3145984&diffmode=source This]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:37, 20 August 2022 (UTC) :{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, while it is an inappropriate comment, I don't think it is eligible for RevDel. It is just a "normal" personal attack. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] <small>([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])</small> 11:24, 20 August 2022 (UTC) ::I'm a fan of [[:w:en:WP:DENY]] and happy to revdel things that don't even try to add to this site. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 16:31, 20 August 2022 (UTC) :::[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Sandbox&diff=prev&oldid=3146034&diffmode=source This] should probably be removed as well. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:50, 21 August 2022 (UTC) :::Wouldn't say that spending time going back to a month old edit no-one else will be looking at is a way of denying recognition to vandals. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] <small>([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])</small> 22:03, 21 August 2022 (UTC) ::::Okay, if you want to leave this kind of trash in the edit history, you can. As I come across abusive edits like this, I remove them. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:04, 21 August 2022 (UTC) :::::It's not great to be in the edit history, but we are hiding these kinds of edits from public view. Would you say that the edit revision, as well as the edit summary, is bad enough that it should be hidden from other editors? Particularly with this edit - what is the worst that would happen if it was just left alone? --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] <small>([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])</small> 22:09, 21 August 2022 (UTC) ::::::Yes and probably nothing other than giving a troll what he wants. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:12, 21 August 2022 (UTC) ::{{ping|Ferien}} Shouldn’t all personal attacks be revdeled? I thought "special" personal attacks are meant to be oversighted. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:52, 21 August 2022 (UTC) :::{{re|Ilovemydoodle}} No absolutely not. There is no RevDel policy here, and we should definitely get one some point soon, but RevDel is generally only used for grossly inappropriate content. Both of these revisions certainly wouldn't be eligible for revision deletion at all on any other wiki I'm active on, especially not on English Wikipedia. And oversight can only be used for "a blatant attack is one obviously intended to denigrate, threaten, libel, insult, or harass someone." --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] <small>([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])</small> 22:00, 21 August 2022 (UTC) ::::I think revdel should be used on any edit harmful bad-faith edit. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:38, 22 August 2022 (UTC) == Revdel request == [[Special:Contributions/Deadlybreeze|These]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:54, 22 August 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 08:02, 22 August 2022 (UTC) ::Also, is [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Wikimedia_Forum&oldid=23694862#Question_about_dumps_(this_is_actually_needed,_not_just_a_stupid/pointless_question) this] possible? (without dev access) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 08:10, 22 August 2022 (UTC) ::[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle&type=revision&diff=3148586&oldid=3147432&diffmode=source This too]! Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 08:13, 22 August 2022 (UTC) == Block request == Could you softblock {{u|Ilovemycock}}? (I created it to prevent abuse) Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:04, 25 August 2022 (UTC) :{{done}} by {{u|Ferien}}. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:24, 25 August 2022 (UTC) == Abuse filter == Could you import [[test2wiki:Special:AbuseFilter/29|this]] filter onto this wiki? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:46, 26 August 2022 (UTC) izfxaucarvg3yjao4j81nyjs7lbpgmn 3 248558 3158090 3130362 2022-08-26T06:19:26Z Ilovemydoodle 3120156 wikitext text/x-wiki {{db|Non-existent user}} ciqf35qwoufk3995efhxsr5pls397hq 0 249049 3157886 3145946 2022-08-25T16:59:19Z Mr.Durnbey 3126594 wikitext text/x-wiki {{people-cleanup|2022-07-04}} '''[[Don Juravin]]''' (1964-08-01) is a Bible researcher, entrepreneur and mentor, born in Israel to a holocaust survivals family. His grandfather, Karl, fought the Nazis in Europe and then escaped to Israel from Austria in an underground ship called Exodus. The mother and uncle were babies when the Nazis experimented on them in the hospital lab. His family is the founders of the State of Israel and they have fought to liberate it from the British occupation. In a way, similar to George Washington's liberation of the states from the British. He grew up speaking Hebrew and listening to his European holocaust-surviving family speaking German. Hebrew is the language of the Bible. It’s the code language of God instructing his chosen people and the world how to achieve the best of life. He served in the Israeli military (Israel Defense Forces) first in a tank division in the south and then in the intelligence. He continued to Germany where he studied in the American military base in Heidelberg and Karlsruhe alongside American military personnel. His studies were geared to become a medical doctor. He then transferred to Gonzaga University, (a Jesuit, Catholic, Humanistic University). Don Juravin is a researcher, entrepreneur, and Biblical mentor. Through his work and inventions, [https://juravin.com/ Don Juravin] has improved the lives of thousands of people. In 2020 [https://independent.academia.edu/Juravin Don Juravin] started the nonprofit [https://code2god.org/ code2GOD] and established the first-ever official organized original Bible code called code2GOD which is a system of 32 mathematical codes used to decode the original Bible in Hebrew to discover GOD's messaging to humanity. The results are turned into the world's most valuable art. == General == === Arguments from the book: "The Logical Proof of God" by Holy Land Man === Brief introduction to the arguments from the book: "The Logical Proof of God" ''YOUR SOUL NEEDS SPIRITUALITY BUT YOU ONLY TRUST REALITY & FACTS'' In the spiritual world reside the forces that operate our lives in daily reality. Get to know them, because your happiness depends on them. While we are selfish creatures with survival mechanisms and animal instincts to achieve more than we need, we’re also wired (DNA & neurotheology) for spirituality and to live for the greater good, for the higher self. For that reason, we are wired to protect our spouse, our family, our country, and be connected to a higher spirituality we call GOD (whatever it is). We seek to connect to the highest authority which is above human sensual perception. We seek a GOD to be our ultimate guide. Not the GOD that the religions created for us with endless restrictions and imaginary hell and heaven, but the true real GOD. This book sums up thousands of years and debates to one practical conclusion: is it good for humans to have and believe in (a) GOD or not. While emerging in the debate, keep an open mind and ignore any religious misconception of who GOD really is. You are here because you care to know if there is a higher authority and if your life will be more fulfilled with GOD in it. You want to know if spirituality is good for you. ''WHEN DO YOU FEEL SPIRITUALITY?'' The spirit is invisible, but it is revealed in every phenomenon in life that means oneness. It is revealed the moment you look into a person’s eyes and discover that you both feel the same. Spirituality is revealed as soon as you do something that makes others a caravan of joy. It is revealed the moment someone refers to you and you refer to him, and you are both aware of each other’s existence. As a Roman poet so beautifully put it: “Outside all the notions of good and evil there is a field. Will you meet me there?” Socrates was said to have not come from Athens, but from the world. You and I are two aspects of one reality, united and all-embracing. In unity no differences are eliminated. For things to unite, they do not have to lose their individual identities. In unity only the separation between them is abolished, which is the difference in value and importance. Then it turns out that everything is one thing. '''''Argument #1:''''' '''IS IT POSSIBLE THAT GOD IS EVIL?''' GOD has told us many things, through the Torah and the prophets: that he created the world, that he oversees it, that there is no GOD but him, that he has chosen us to be a virtuous people, that he gives reward and punishment, and more. But how does he tell us the truth? How can we know that he is not lying to us or deceiving us? After all, we have no way of verifying his words. What if our whole belief is built on lies? This question can be extended even further, beyond the credibility of the Bible. Suppose there is a creator for the world, who said he is good? Maybe he is bad or indifferent? Maybe he created humans to abuse them? How can we know? Let's start by saying that many people do not have these questions at all. They existentially and utterly experience the goodness of GOD, and their faith in him is unquestionable. They do not have a mental answer to these questions, but they do not need such an answer, just as a mentally healthy person is not bothered by thoughts like “Maybe I do not exist.” It is an illustration of the tension that exists on many issues between existential certainty and intellectual skepticism. The mind is able to raise doubts about everything, but existential certainty ignores these doubts because it is clear they are wrong. The discussion below is therefore intended only for those who do not share the same existential certainty, and want to receive an intellectual answer to their question: How do you know that GOD is not evil? The truth is that it is impossible to know, but it is precisely from this that it becomes clear why this question should not bother us. GOD has told us many things. But how do we believe him? Why would we believe him? In this world of deception, why would we take the word of anyone, including GOD? We are told GOD is good, but that may not be the case. So many blindly believe that GOD is good, but some people question this. Is he/she really a good god? **[https://code2god.org/hlm/books/logical-proof-of-god/is-god-evil/1-is-it-possible-that-god-is-evil/ The Logical Proof of GOD] ''2021 September, 29'' '''''Argument #2:''''' '''CONSEQUENCES OF THE BELIEF IN AN EVIL GOD''' Suppose, for the sake of this analogy, that GOD, the creator of the world, is indeed wicked or indifferent to the desires of human beings. In such a case, we are created by an almighty power that shapes us as he wills, and he is able to do to us as he pleases. The thing is, if that is the case, then that power can also deceive us to such levels that we can never discover the truth. It can program our minds so that our logic is wrong, implant false memories within us, and direct our senses so that they show us a distorted picture of reality, all without us knowing we are being deceived. In other words, if we assume that GOD is evil, what is in doubt is not only the credibility of the Bible but the credibility of our most basic tools of cognition: senses, reason, memory, conscience, and so on. We can rely on nothing, not even scientific evidence and the most convincing logic, because they too can be a hoax. ''Who said 2 + 2 is really 4?'' Divine deception of this magnitude is not something that can be bypassed or eluded. This is not the Truman Show or The Matrix, in which the minds of the people function properly but the artificial reality around them deceives them. After all, GOD is the one who created and designed both reality and the human mind and consciousness, including their most basic functions. If he/she wants to deceive us, there is no way we can ever discover the truth, just as there is no way a comic book character can discover the truth about its creator on its own. Foolish fantasies about man's rebellion against the GODs, in the style of Prometheus, can exist when it comes to limited Greek “GODs,” not the unlimited creator of all: “Did the ax boast of the carver in it?” The illusions of evil machines, sorcerers, or scientists may be overcome, but not of those who designed and created both the universe itself and our consciousness. **[https://code2god.org/hlm/books/logical-proof-of-god/is-god-evil/2-consequences-of-the-belief-in-an-evil-god/ The Logical Proof of GOD] ''2021 October, 12'' '''''Argument #3:''''' '''IF GOD IS EVIL THEN… WHAT?''' In short, if we assume that GOD is evil, lying, or unreliable, it means that we can no longer trust anything. Not the senses, not logic, not memory, not science, nor even the things that seem most obvious to us. If GOD deceives us, we can know nothing about anything. Honestly, it really doesn’t matter if GOD is evil or not. But look at it this way. He created us—our minds and everything around us. This means GOD also created the Bible as a lie. We can’t know if our logic of good and evil is flawed. We can’t trust our senses or thoughts. We can’t even believe in science. Why? Because we wouldn’t know if we were wrong or that science is wrong. If he/she is evil or lying to us, we have no way of knowing this. In this instance, we’d need to distrust our own thoughts about our world and everything in it. **[https://code2god.org/hlm/books/logical-proof-of-god/is-god-evil/3-if-god-is-evil-then-what/ The Logical Proof of GOD] ''2021 October, 13'' '''''Argument #4:''''' '''CHOOSING THE POSITIVE OPTION''' Is it possible to refute this possibility? Theoretically, could it be true? Since we have no way of finding out the truth, what we can do is check which of the two options advances us more. If we assume that GOD is evil or a liar, we are doomed to a life of constant skepticism, never knowing what is right and what is not, what is moral and what is not, what the meaning of existence is, and what we should do. Neither religion, nor philosophy, nor science can help us in anything, because everyone can be part of the deception. **[https://code2god.org/hlm/books/logical-proof-of-god/is-god-evil/4-choosing-the-positive-option/ The Logical Proof of GOD] ''2021 October, 14'' '''''Argument #5:''''' '''IS THE WORLD AN ILLUSION?''' We will always have to wonder if maybe the whole world is an illusion, maybe what seems good to us is actually bad and vice versa, maybe GOD wants us to do the opposite of what he says, and so on. This approach is unhealthy, unproductive, and leads nowhere. On the other hand, if we assume that GOD is good and trustworthy, we can on this basis move forward. We can assume that our senses, logic, and memory can be trusted to teach us the truth about reality (provided of course that we use them properly and are careful not to deceive ourselves). We can construct philosophical arguments and formulate scientific theories based on observations and experiments, believing that these do indeed teach us truths about reality. We can trust our moral intuitions to guide us on the straight and good path. And we can trust the Bible to tell us how to worship GOD, draw closer to him/her, and maybe gain the life of the next world. There is no doubt that this second way is much more positive, fruitful, and beneficial; this is the working theory and way of life for humans since the beginning of history. We all trust our basic cognitive tools, and although we are aware of their limitations and the deceptions they may fall into, we believe they can be overcome and come very close to the truth. The fruits of this belief are all works of human culture. In other words, it is impossible to prove whether GOD is good or bad, trustworthy or a liar, but the belief that he is good and honest allows us to move forward and flourish, while the belief that he is bad and deceptive eliminates any possibility of k­nowing anything. Even those people who enjoy wallowing in philosophical skepticism and a sense of existential meaninglessness end up pragmatically relying on their senses, logic, and intuitions, and actually believe in some truth and values ​​(even if they deny it); this is part of their tormented hero image. If one takes the consequences of an evil GOD to the end, then even existential philosophy itself becomes a ridiculous joke, another delusion. **[https://code2god.org/hlm/books/logical-proof-of-god/is-god-evil/5-is-the-world-an-illusion/ The Logical Proof of GOD] ''2021 October, 15'' == Quotes == <!-- each quote in this section should be ordered chronologically. --> "Don't let the "facts" get you distracted from creating something new and great in this world for which you will be greatly rewarded." == Books/publications by Don Karl Juravin== * ''[[The Logical Proof Of GOD by Don Juravin (Holy Land Man)]]'' ([http://(https://code2god.org/hlm/books/logical-proof-of-god/is-god-evil/1-is-it-possible-that-god-is-evil/) Book]) == External links== {{wikipedia}} <!-- OPTIONAL --> {{DEFAULTSORT:Juravin, Don}} [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:1964 births]] lhaacy9zoik4zq8dax08b8tul563kw8 3157887 3157886 2022-08-25T17:00:29Z Mr.Durnbey 3126594 wikitext text/x-wiki {{people-cleanup|2022-07-04}} '''[[Don Juravin]]''' (1964-08-01) is a Bible researcher, entrepreneur and mentor, born in Israel to a holocaust survivals family. Don Juravin is a recognized Spiritual and Biblical mentor who through his work and inventions, [https://juravin.com/ Don Juravin] has improved the lives of thousands of people. Don Juravin has served in the Israeli military (Israel Defense Forces). He was first in a tank division in the south and then in the intelligence. After serving in the military, he continued to Germany where he studied in the American military base in Heidelberg and Karlsruhe alongside American military personnel. His studies were geared to become a medical doctor. He then transferred to Gonzaga University, (a Jesuit, Catholic, Humanistic University). His grandfather, Karl, fought the Nazis in Europe and then escaped to Israel from Austria in an underground ship called Exodus. The mother and uncle were babies when the Nazis experimented on them in the hospital lab. His family is the founders of the State of Israel and they have fought to liberate it from the British occupation. In a way, similar to George Washington's liberation of the states from the British. He grew up speaking Hebrew and listening to his European holocaust-surviving family speaking German. Hebrew is the language of the Bible. It’s the code language of God instructing his chosen people and the world how to achieve the best of life. He served in the Israeli military (Israel Defense Forces) first in a tank division in the south and then in the intelligence. He continued to Germany where he studied in the American military base in Heidelberg and Karlsruhe alongside American military personnel. His studies were geared to become a medical doctor. He then transferred to Gonzaga University, (a Jesuit, Catholic, Humanistic University). Don Juravin is a researcher, entrepreneur, and Biblical mentor. Through his work and inventions, [https://juravin.com/ Don Juravin] has improved the lives of thousands of people. In 2020 [https://independent.academia.edu/Juravin Don Juravin] started the nonprofit [https://code2god.org/ code2GOD] and established the first-ever official organized original Bible code called code2GOD which is a system of 32 mathematical codes used to decode the original Bible in Hebrew to discover GOD's messaging to humanity. The results are turned into the world's most valuable art. == General == === Arguments from the book: "The Logical Proof of God" by Holy Land Man === Brief introduction to the arguments from the book: "The Logical Proof of God" ''YOUR SOUL NEEDS SPIRITUALITY BUT YOU ONLY TRUST REALITY & FACTS'' In the spiritual world reside the forces that operate our lives in daily reality. Get to know them, because your happiness depends on them. While we are selfish creatures with survival mechanisms and animal instincts to achieve more than we need, we’re also wired (DNA & neurotheology) for spirituality and to live for the greater good, for the higher self. For that reason, we are wired to protect our spouse, our family, our country, and be connected to a higher spirituality we call GOD (whatever it is). We seek to connect to the highest authority which is above human sensual perception. We seek a GOD to be our ultimate guide. Not the GOD that the religions created for us with endless restrictions and imaginary hell and heaven, but the true real GOD. This book sums up thousands of years and debates to one practical conclusion: is it good for humans to have and believe in (a) GOD or not. While emerging in the debate, keep an open mind and ignore any religious misconception of who GOD really is. You are here because you care to know if there is a higher authority and if your life will be more fulfilled with GOD in it. You want to know if spirituality is good for you. ''WHEN DO YOU FEEL SPIRITUALITY?'' The spirit is invisible, but it is revealed in every phenomenon in life that means oneness. It is revealed the moment you look into a person’s eyes and discover that you both feel the same. Spirituality is revealed as soon as you do something that makes others a caravan of joy. It is revealed the moment someone refers to you and you refer to him, and you are both aware of each other’s existence. As a Roman poet so beautifully put it: “Outside all the notions of good and evil there is a field. Will you meet me there?” Socrates was said to have not come from Athens, but from the world. You and I are two aspects of one reality, united and all-embracing. In unity no differences are eliminated. For things to unite, they do not have to lose their individual identities. In unity only the separation between them is abolished, which is the difference in value and importance. Then it turns out that everything is one thing. '''''Argument #1:''''' '''IS IT POSSIBLE THAT GOD IS EVIL?''' GOD has told us many things, through the Torah and the prophets: that he created the world, that he oversees it, that there is no GOD but him, that he has chosen us to be a virtuous people, that he gives reward and punishment, and more. But how does he tell us the truth? How can we know that he is not lying to us or deceiving us? After all, we have no way of verifying his words. What if our whole belief is built on lies? This question can be extended even further, beyond the credibility of the Bible. Suppose there is a creator for the world, who said he is good? Maybe he is bad or indifferent? Maybe he created humans to abuse them? How can we know? Let's start by saying that many people do not have these questions at all. They existentially and utterly experience the goodness of GOD, and their faith in him is unquestionable. They do not have a mental answer to these questions, but they do not need such an answer, just as a mentally healthy person is not bothered by thoughts like “Maybe I do not exist.” It is an illustration of the tension that exists on many issues between existential certainty and intellectual skepticism. The mind is able to raise doubts about everything, but existential certainty ignores these doubts because it is clear they are wrong. The discussion below is therefore intended only for those who do not share the same existential certainty, and want to receive an intellectual answer to their question: How do you know that GOD is not evil? The truth is that it is impossible to know, but it is precisely from this that it becomes clear why this question should not bother us. GOD has told us many things. But how do we believe him? Why would we believe him? In this world of deception, why would we take the word of anyone, including GOD? We are told GOD is good, but that may not be the case. So many blindly believe that GOD is good, but some people question this. Is he/she really a good god? **[https://code2god.org/hlm/books/logical-proof-of-god/is-god-evil/1-is-it-possible-that-god-is-evil/ The Logical Proof of GOD] ''2021 September, 29'' '''''Argument #2:''''' '''CONSEQUENCES OF THE BELIEF IN AN EVIL GOD''' Suppose, for the sake of this analogy, that GOD, the creator of the world, is indeed wicked or indifferent to the desires of human beings. In such a case, we are created by an almighty power that shapes us as he wills, and he is able to do to us as he pleases. The thing is, if that is the case, then that power can also deceive us to such levels that we can never discover the truth. It can program our minds so that our logic is wrong, implant false memories within us, and direct our senses so that they show us a distorted picture of reality, all without us knowing we are being deceived. In other words, if we assume that GOD is evil, what is in doubt is not only the credibility of the Bible but the credibility of our most basic tools of cognition: senses, reason, memory, conscience, and so on. We can rely on nothing, not even scientific evidence and the most convincing logic, because they too can be a hoax. ''Who said 2 + 2 is really 4?'' Divine deception of this magnitude is not something that can be bypassed or eluded. This is not the Truman Show or The Matrix, in which the minds of the people function properly but the artificial reality around them deceives them. After all, GOD is the one who created and designed both reality and the human mind and consciousness, including their most basic functions. If he/she wants to deceive us, there is no way we can ever discover the truth, just as there is no way a comic book character can discover the truth about its creator on its own. Foolish fantasies about man's rebellion against the GODs, in the style of Prometheus, can exist when it comes to limited Greek “GODs,” not the unlimited creator of all: “Did the ax boast of the carver in it?” The illusions of evil machines, sorcerers, or scientists may be overcome, but not of those who designed and created both the universe itself and our consciousness. **[https://code2god.org/hlm/books/logical-proof-of-god/is-god-evil/2-consequences-of-the-belief-in-an-evil-god/ The Logical Proof of GOD] ''2021 October, 12'' '''''Argument #3:''''' '''IF GOD IS EVIL THEN… WHAT?''' In short, if we assume that GOD is evil, lying, or unreliable, it means that we can no longer trust anything. Not the senses, not logic, not memory, not science, nor even the things that seem most obvious to us. If GOD deceives us, we can know nothing about anything. Honestly, it really doesn’t matter if GOD is evil or not. But look at it this way. He created us—our minds and everything around us. This means GOD also created the Bible as a lie. We can’t know if our logic of good and evil is flawed. We can’t trust our senses or thoughts. We can’t even believe in science. Why? Because we wouldn’t know if we were wrong or that science is wrong. If he/she is evil or lying to us, we have no way of knowing this. In this instance, we’d need to distrust our own thoughts about our world and everything in it. **[https://code2god.org/hlm/books/logical-proof-of-god/is-god-evil/3-if-god-is-evil-then-what/ The Logical Proof of GOD] ''2021 October, 13'' '''''Argument #4:''''' '''CHOOSING THE POSITIVE OPTION''' Is it possible to refute this possibility? Theoretically, could it be true? Since we have no way of finding out the truth, what we can do is check which of the two options advances us more. If we assume that GOD is evil or a liar, we are doomed to a life of constant skepticism, never knowing what is right and what is not, what is moral and what is not, what the meaning of existence is, and what we should do. Neither religion, nor philosophy, nor science can help us in anything, because everyone can be part of the deception. **[https://code2god.org/hlm/books/logical-proof-of-god/is-god-evil/4-choosing-the-positive-option/ The Logical Proof of GOD] ''2021 October, 14'' '''''Argument #5:''''' '''IS THE WORLD AN ILLUSION?''' We will always have to wonder if maybe the whole world is an illusion, maybe what seems good to us is actually bad and vice versa, maybe GOD wants us to do the opposite of what he says, and so on. This approach is unhealthy, unproductive, and leads nowhere. On the other hand, if we assume that GOD is good and trustworthy, we can on this basis move forward. We can assume that our senses, logic, and memory can be trusted to teach us the truth about reality (provided of course that we use them properly and are careful not to deceive ourselves). We can construct philosophical arguments and formulate scientific theories based on observations and experiments, believing that these do indeed teach us truths about reality. We can trust our moral intuitions to guide us on the straight and good path. And we can trust the Bible to tell us how to worship GOD, draw closer to him/her, and maybe gain the life of the next world. There is no doubt that this second way is much more positive, fruitful, and beneficial; this is the working theory and way of life for humans since the beginning of history. We all trust our basic cognitive tools, and although we are aware of their limitations and the deceptions they may fall into, we believe they can be overcome and come very close to the truth. The fruits of this belief are all works of human culture. In other words, it is impossible to prove whether GOD is good or bad, trustworthy or a liar, but the belief that he is good and honest allows us to move forward and flourish, while the belief that he is bad and deceptive eliminates any possibility of k­nowing anything. Even those people who enjoy wallowing in philosophical skepticism and a sense of existential meaninglessness end up pragmatically relying on their senses, logic, and intuitions, and actually believe in some truth and values ​​(even if they deny it); this is part of their tormented hero image. If one takes the consequences of an evil GOD to the end, then even existential philosophy itself becomes a ridiculous joke, another delusion. **[https://code2god.org/hlm/books/logical-proof-of-god/is-god-evil/5-is-the-world-an-illusion/ The Logical Proof of GOD] ''2021 October, 15'' == Quotes == <!-- each quote in this section should be ordered chronologically. --> "Don't let the "facts" get you distracted from creating something new and great in this world for which you will be greatly rewarded." == Books/publications by Don Karl Juravin== * ''[[The Logical Proof Of GOD by Don Juravin (Holy Land Man)]]'' ([http://(https://code2god.org/hlm/books/logical-proof-of-god/is-god-evil/1-is-it-possible-that-god-is-evil/) Book]) == External links== {{wikipedia}} <!-- OPTIONAL --> {{DEFAULTSORT:Juravin, Don}} [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:1964 births]] ra00nzkcqpv7k9s3gikzc2ru50r9vmv 3157895 3157887 2022-08-25T17:20:29Z Mr.Durnbey 3126594 wikitext text/x-wiki {{people-cleanup|2022-07-04}} '''[[Don Juravin]]''' (1964-08-01) is a Bible researcher, entrepreneur and mentor, born in Israel to a holocaust survivals family. Don Juravin is a recognized Spiritual and Biblical mentor who through his work and inventions, [https://juravin.com/ Don Juravin] has improved the lives of thousands of people. Don Juravin has served in the Israeli military (Israel Defense Forces). He was first in a tank division in the south and then in the intelligence. After serving in the military, he continued to Germany where he studied in the American military base in Heidelberg and Karlsruhe alongside American military personnel. His studies were geared to become a medical doctor. He then transferred to Gonzaga University, (a Jesuit, Catholic, Humanistic University). His grandfather, Karl, fought the Nazis in Europe and then escaped to Israel from Austria in an underground ship called Exodus. The mother and uncle were babies when the Nazis experimented on them in the hospital lab. His family is the founders of the State of Israel and they have fought to liberate it from the British occupation. In a way, similar to George Washington's liberation of the states from the British. He grew up speaking Hebrew and listening to his European holocaust-surviving family speaking German. Hebrew is the language of the Bible. It’s the code language of God instructing his chosen people and the world how to achieve the best of life. He served in the Israeli military (Israel Defense Forces) first in a tank division in the south and then in the intelligence. Through his work and inventions, [https://juravin.com/ Don Juravin] has improved the lives of thousands of people. In 2020 [https://independent.academia.edu/Juravin Don Juravin] started the nonprofit [https://code2god.org/ code2GOD] and established the first-ever official organized original Bible code called code2GOD which is a system of 32 mathematical codes used to decode the original Bible in Hebrew to discover GOD's messaging to humanity. The results are turned into the world's most valuable art. == General == === Arguments from the book: "The Logical Proof of God" by Holy Land Man === Brief introduction to the arguments from the book: "The Logical Proof of God" ''YOUR SOUL NEEDS SPIRITUALITY BUT YOU ONLY TRUST REALITY & FACTS'' In the spiritual world reside the forces that operate our lives in daily reality. Get to know them, because your happiness depends on them. While we are selfish creatures with survival mechanisms and animal instincts to achieve more than we need, we’re also wired (DNA & neurotheology) for spirituality and to live for the greater good, for the higher self. For that reason, we are wired to protect our spouse, our family, our country, and be connected to a higher spirituality we call GOD (whatever it is). We seek to connect to the highest authority which is above human sensual perception. We seek a GOD to be our ultimate guide. Not the GOD that the religions created for us with endless restrictions and imaginary hell and heaven, but the true real GOD. This book sums up thousands of years and debates to one practical conclusion: is it good for humans to have and believe in (a) GOD or not. While emerging in the debate, keep an open mind and ignore any religious misconception of who GOD really is. You are here because you care to know if there is a higher authority and if your life will be more fulfilled with GOD in it. You want to know if spirituality is good for you. ''WHEN DO YOU FEEL SPIRITUALITY?'' The spirit is invisible, but it is revealed in every phenomenon in life that means oneness. It is revealed the moment you look into a person’s eyes and discover that you both feel the same. Spirituality is revealed as soon as you do something that makes others a caravan of joy. It is revealed the moment someone refers to you and you refer to him, and you are both aware of each other’s existence. As a Roman poet so beautifully put it: “Outside all the notions of good and evil there is a field. Will you meet me there?” Socrates was said to have not come from Athens, but from the world. You and I are two aspects of one reality, united and all-embracing. In unity no differences are eliminated. For things to unite, they do not have to lose their individual identities. In unity only the separation between them is abolished, which is the difference in value and importance. Then it turns out that everything is one thing. '''''Argument #1:''''' '''IS IT POSSIBLE THAT GOD IS EVIL?''' GOD has told us many things, through the Torah and the prophets: that he created the world, that he oversees it, that there is no GOD but him, that he has chosen us to be a virtuous people, that he gives reward and punishment, and more. But how does he tell us the truth? How can we know that he is not lying to us or deceiving us? After all, we have no way of verifying his words. What if our whole belief is built on lies? This question can be extended even further, beyond the credibility of the Bible. Suppose there is a creator for the world, who said he is good? Maybe he is bad or indifferent? Maybe he created humans to abuse them? How can we know? Let's start by saying that many people do not have these questions at all. They existentially and utterly experience the goodness of GOD, and their faith in him is unquestionable. They do not have a mental answer to these questions, but they do not need such an answer, just as a mentally healthy person is not bothered by thoughts like “Maybe I do not exist.” It is an illustration of the tension that exists on many issues between existential certainty and intellectual skepticism. The mind is able to raise doubts about everything, but existential certainty ignores these doubts because it is clear they are wrong. The discussion below is therefore intended only for those who do not share the same existential certainty, and want to receive an intellectual answer to their question: How do you know that GOD is not evil? The truth is that it is impossible to know, but it is precisely from this that it becomes clear why this question should not bother us. GOD has told us many things. But how do we believe him? Why would we believe him? In this world of deception, why would we take the word of anyone, including GOD? We are told GOD is good, but that may not be the case. So many blindly believe that GOD is good, but some people question this. Is he/she really a good god? **[https://code2god.org/hlm/books/logical-proof-of-god/is-god-evil/1-is-it-possible-that-god-is-evil/ The Logical Proof of GOD] ''2021 September, 29'' '''''Argument #2:''''' '''CONSEQUENCES OF THE BELIEF IN AN EVIL GOD''' Suppose, for the sake of this analogy, that GOD, the creator of the world, is indeed wicked or indifferent to the desires of human beings. In such a case, we are created by an almighty power that shapes us as he wills, and he is able to do to us as he pleases. The thing is, if that is the case, then that power can also deceive us to such levels that we can never discover the truth. It can program our minds so that our logic is wrong, implant false memories within us, and direct our senses so that they show us a distorted picture of reality, all without us knowing we are being deceived. In other words, if we assume that GOD is evil, what is in doubt is not only the credibility of the Bible but the credibility of our most basic tools of cognition: senses, reason, memory, conscience, and so on. We can rely on nothing, not even scientific evidence and the most convincing logic, because they too can be a hoax. ''Who said 2 + 2 is really 4?'' Divine deception of this magnitude is not something that can be bypassed or eluded. This is not the Truman Show or The Matrix, in which the minds of the people function properly but the artificial reality around them deceives them. After all, GOD is the one who created and designed both reality and the human mind and consciousness, including their most basic functions. If he/she wants to deceive us, there is no way we can ever discover the truth, just as there is no way a comic book character can discover the truth about its creator on its own. Foolish fantasies about man's rebellion against the GODs, in the style of Prometheus, can exist when it comes to limited Greek “GODs,” not the unlimited creator of all: “Did the ax boast of the carver in it?” The illusions of evil machines, sorcerers, or scientists may be overcome, but not of those who designed and created both the universe itself and our consciousness. **[https://code2god.org/hlm/books/logical-proof-of-god/is-god-evil/2-consequences-of-the-belief-in-an-evil-god/ The Logical Proof of GOD] ''2021 October, 12'' '''''Argument #3:''''' '''IF GOD IS EVIL THEN… WHAT?''' In short, if we assume that GOD is evil, lying, or unreliable, it means that we can no longer trust anything. Not the senses, not logic, not memory, not science, nor even the things that seem most obvious to us. If GOD deceives us, we can know nothing about anything. Honestly, it really doesn’t matter if GOD is evil or not. But look at it this way. He created us—our minds and everything around us. This means GOD also created the Bible as a lie. We can’t know if our logic of good and evil is flawed. We can’t trust our senses or thoughts. We can’t even believe in science. Why? Because we wouldn’t know if we were wrong or that science is wrong. If he/she is evil or lying to us, we have no way of knowing this. In this instance, we’d need to distrust our own thoughts about our world and everything in it. **[https://code2god.org/hlm/books/logical-proof-of-god/is-god-evil/3-if-god-is-evil-then-what/ The Logical Proof of GOD] ''2021 October, 13'' '''''Argument #4:''''' '''CHOOSING THE POSITIVE OPTION''' Is it possible to refute this possibility? Theoretically, could it be true? Since we have no way of finding out the truth, what we can do is check which of the two options advances us more. If we assume that GOD is evil or a liar, we are doomed to a life of constant skepticism, never knowing what is right and what is not, what is moral and what is not, what the meaning of existence is, and what we should do. Neither religion, nor philosophy, nor science can help us in anything, because everyone can be part of the deception. **[https://code2god.org/hlm/books/logical-proof-of-god/is-god-evil/4-choosing-the-positive-option/ The Logical Proof of GOD] ''2021 October, 14'' '''''Argument #5:''''' '''IS THE WORLD AN ILLUSION?''' We will always have to wonder if maybe the whole world is an illusion, maybe what seems good to us is actually bad and vice versa, maybe GOD wants us to do the opposite of what he says, and so on. This approach is unhealthy, unproductive, and leads nowhere. On the other hand, if we assume that GOD is good and trustworthy, we can on this basis move forward. We can assume that our senses, logic, and memory can be trusted to teach us the truth about reality (provided of course that we use them properly and are careful not to deceive ourselves). We can construct philosophical arguments and formulate scientific theories based on observations and experiments, believing that these do indeed teach us truths about reality. We can trust our moral intuitions to guide us on the straight and good path. And we can trust the Bible to tell us how to worship GOD, draw closer to him/her, and maybe gain the life of the next world. There is no doubt that this second way is much more positive, fruitful, and beneficial; this is the working theory and way of life for humans since the beginning of history. We all trust our basic cognitive tools, and although we are aware of their limitations and the deceptions they may fall into, we believe they can be overcome and come very close to the truth. The fruits of this belief are all works of human culture. In other words, it is impossible to prove whether GOD is good or bad, trustworthy or a liar, but the belief that he is good and honest allows us to move forward and flourish, while the belief that he is bad and deceptive eliminates any possibility of k­nowing anything. Even those people who enjoy wallowing in philosophical skepticism and a sense of existential meaninglessness end up pragmatically relying on their senses, logic, and intuitions, and actually believe in some truth and values ​​(even if they deny it); this is part of their tormented hero image. If one takes the consequences of an evil GOD to the end, then even existential philosophy itself becomes a ridiculous joke, another delusion. **[https://code2god.org/hlm/books/logical-proof-of-god/is-god-evil/5-is-the-world-an-illusion/ The Logical Proof of GOD] ''2021 October, 15'' == Quotes == <!-- each quote in this section should be ordered chronologically. --> "Don't let the "facts" get you distracted from creating something new and great in this world for which you will be greatly rewarded." == Books/publications by Don Karl Juravin== * ''[[The Logical Proof Of GOD by Don Juravin (Holy Land Man)]]'' ([http://(https://code2god.org/hlm/books/logical-proof-of-god/is-god-evil/1-is-it-possible-that-god-is-evil/) Book]) == External links== {{wikipedia}} <!-- OPTIONAL --> {{DEFAULTSORT:Juravin, Don}} [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:1964 births]] 7lezni142nk3zs316ughrc75secpm3l 0 249173 3157840 3139497 2022-08-25T14:10:56Z A23423413 3125316 /* Quotes */ adds wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Denise Oliver-Velez|Denise Oliver-Velez]]''' (born August 1, 1947) is a American professor, contributing editor, activist and community organizer. She was was a member of both [[The Young Lords]] and [[The Black Panther Party]]. == Quotes == ===[https://www.democracynow.org/2019/7/24/young_lords_legacy Interview] with Democracy Now (2019)=== *The role of women, initially, in a cultural context, was, on one hand, to be passive. That’s what we were programmed into believing. But when we started studying history—and Juan, as minister of education, made sure that we learned about radical women leaders in Puerto Rico. And so, for most of us, including those of us who had been to college, we had never heard of people like Mariana Bracetti. We had never heard of even Doña Fela, who was the mayor of San Juan for so many years. And we began to examine—remember, the women’s movement was also—the second wave—was also coming along. We laid out our newspaper at The Rat, which was taken over by women. So, we began to push back against the ideas of—in the program, it said revolutionary machismo. And we said, “That’s really ridiculous. Machismo is not revolutionary; it’s oppressive.” And the young men in the organization joined with us women, and we made that change. *I think that the mainstream media has been focusing on the chat, you know, the exposure of the things said in a private chat. But on the island, people are demanding: One, they want the junta, the fiscal control board, out; two, they have been raising issues about violence against women; three, they’ve been talking about the fact that Rosselló brought an American woman in to revamp the educational system on the island, turn it into charter schools and shut down public education. And parents and teachers are protesting. **About the protests in Puerto Rico *One other thing I really want to bring up is that, in September, 900,000 people on the island are due to lose their medical coverage. And that’s going to be—we’re talking about 4,000 people who died in the hurricane. Imagine 900,000 people, where a lot of them are elderly and they’re not going to be able to get their insulin. Children won’t get their asthma medications. I mean, the number of deaths is going to be phenomenal. And I don’t want to see us go, “Oh, this is so terrible. Look at all the dead people in Puerto Rico. Let’s maybe do something now.” So people are raising these issues ahora, now, in Puerto Rico and also in the diaspora. === Through the Eyes of Rebel Women: The Young Lords 1969-1976 by [[Iris Morales]] (2016)=== * So many things were changing in our world. We looked, and we searched in revolutionary literature. Maybe we found a few pieces, but there really wasn't much because the world had never really dealt with this. We did take as heroines of our struggle Lolita Lebrón and Blanca Canales because they had been in the Nationalist Party struggle in Puerto Rico. We looked to women like [[Angela Davis]]. There were two women in the Panther 21 case at the time, Afeni Shakur and Joan Bird, who had been arrested with the brothers. We were proud that women were going on posters. That was real important because this was new. The face of the civil rights movement had been male. * if there is no unity within an organization as long as there is a disparity between men and women in the struggle, there will not be that ability to strive for change in the world. * Many marriages broke up because we were trying to be different, and we didn't know how to maintain marital ties, or even know how to define what marriage was. We looked at it as chains, cadenas. You're not free! You're this new, liberated woman, but your husband keeps telling you what to do. * Divorce is now par for the course in most families. Women are still trying to cope with how to run an organization, work a job, go to school, raise a family, and almost become superwomen. Maybe generations to come won't have to deal with these issues because we dealt with them then, and we're dealing with them now. * I've walked through the streets in East Harlem, and people have said, "Dónde está los Young Lords?" Where did they go? People miss the Young Lords. They had been an integral part of that community in the South Bronx, the Lower East Side, Philadelphia, New Haven, Hartford, and New Jersey. * But the racism in the island, nobody wanted to deal with because I was told "no hay racismo en Puerto Rico." But that was not true. Color, caste, class, were major contradictions, even within left-wing political groups. * That last migration in 1947 spawned a generation who had one foot in the United States, and maybe they had dreams of Puerto Rico, but the reality of their existence was here. * The destruction to the Lords and other movements was a traumatic experience. I've learned similar to what Vietnam vets go though. They call it post-traumatic stress disorder; I call it post-traumatic revolutionary failure stress disorder-I have my own name for it. After the collapse of this revolution, many of us had to go on journeys of self-exploration. I had to bottom out. I got into drugs, alcohol, workaholism. The Young Lords were my family. It was my dream. I didn't know what to put there. I didn't know how to deal with it. And I did it in isolation. Many of us did it in isolation. It's only now, years later that I can look at it more comfortably and understand what happened. I did become very disillusioned and didn't want to have anything to do with organizing anything for a period of time. But that healed. It's taken twenty years. The wounds are not there anymore-as open wounds. And the scabs are no longer there. There is some scar tissue, but it's not uncomfortable so I can look at things from a different perspective. And I keep returning to doing the kinds of things that I feel are necessary for social change. We need another Young Lords. * We are fighting against an enemy, the Yankee, and the Puerto Rican lombrices. The one major thing that holds us back in our fight to liberate Puerto Rico and all oppressed people is a lack of unity. ** 1972 article * Capitalism is a system that forces us to climb over our brothers and sisters' back to get to the top. It is like a race, in which the prize is survival....We fight against each other to live, and we are divided into groups that fight against each other. These groups are formed out of artificial division of race and sex, and social groupings....Many of these divisions that exist are a result of colonization...As a result of the oppression suffered for generations and generations, first under Spain and then under the amerikkkans, we all develop a "colonized mentality" ** 1972 article * We are afraid to lead, because we are taught to be followers. We have been told that we are docile so long, that we have forgotten that we have always been fighters.... We can only unchain our minds from this colonized mentality if we learn our true history, understand our culture, and work toward unity. ** 1972 article * Having slaves for ancestors is not something to be ashamed of; one should be proud to know that one's ancestors were strong enough to live through the horrors of slavery, strong because of the rich and beautiful history of Africa. We are taught that Africans were savages, and this makes us non-consciously ashamed of our past. ** 1972 article * Because of the Black Power movement inside of the united states, American Blacks are now able to hold their heads up high and be proud of their past. It is necessary that we study Puerto Rican history, much of which is African history, so that we can move on ridding ourselves of the barriers that exist between Afro-boricua and jibaro. ** 1972 article * We should not be afraid to criticize ourselves about racism. We are all racists, not because we want to be, but because we are taught to be that way, to keep us divided, because it benefits the capitalist system. And this applies to racism toward Asians, other Brown people, and toward white people. White people are not all the oppressor-capitalists are. We will never have socialism until we are free of these chains on our mind. ** 1972 article == Quotes about Oliver-Velez == == External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:(Last name, First name)}} [[:Category:Living people]] dxn40gadiusb5ha1mz4rxibwj992hkw 0 250063 3157835 3157797 2022-08-25T12:21:40Z UDScott 4304 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:West Side Story (2021 film)|West Side Story]]''''' is a [[w:2021 in film|2021]] American musical romantic drama film about forbidden love and the rivalry between the Jets and the Sharks, two teenage street gangs of different ethnic backgrounds. :''Directed by [[Steven Spielberg]]. Written by [[w:Tony Kushner|Tony Kushner]], based on [[w:West Side Story|the play]] by [[w:Jerome Robbins|Jerome Robbins]], [[Leonard Bernstein]], [[w:Stephen Sondheim|Stephen Sondheim]], and [[w:Arthur Laurents|Arthur Laurents]].'' {{center|'''Celebrate the greatest love story of all time.''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}} ==Maria== * In Gimbels, there are lots of dresses that fit me. * ''[singing]'' I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and bright,<br>And I pity, any girl who isn't me tonight.<br>I feel charming, oh so charming, it's alarming how charming I feel.<br>And so pretty, that I hardly can believe I'm real. == Tony == * It's like I'm always just about to fall off the edge of the world's tallest building. I stopped falling the second I saw you. * ''[singing]'' Maria... I just met a girl named Maria, and suddenly that name<br>Will never be the same to me.<br>Maria - I just kissed a girl named Maria<br>And suddenly I found how wonderful a sound can be<br>Maria - say it loud and there's music playing<br>Say it soft and it's almost like praying. == Bernardo == * Tonight is about family. * ''[about Tony]'' He's a polack, that's what he is - a big, dumb polack! == Anita == * ''[to Maria]'' Get your shoes on. I want to dance! * ''[to the band leader]'' Oye, Javi! Ponle fuego, ¡vamos! * ''[to Tony after he and Maria are caught together]'' Do you want to start World War III? * ''[after being assaulted by the Jets]'' You think I want to stay here? In this city full of ugly little animals like you? No gracias. Yo no soy Americana. Yo soy Puertorriqueña! ''[to Valentina]'' Tell Tony... you tell that murderer... Maria ain't coming. Chino, he found out about them. Tony and Maria. He shot her. Maria is dead. You tell him that. == Valentina == * ''[singing]'' There's a place for us, Somewhere a place for us<br>Peace and quiet and open air wait for us, Somewhere.<br>There's a time for us, Some day a time for us<br>Time together with time to spare, time to look, time to care, Someday.<br>Somewhere we'll find a new way of living.<br>We'll find a way of forgiving, Somewhere. == Lieutenant Schrank == * What's a gang without its terrain, its turf? You're a month or two away from finding out, one step ahead of the wrecking ball. And in this uncertain world, the only thing you can count on is me. == Dialogue == :'''Tony''': You don't need me helping you screw up your life. :'''Riff''': You know how I get. I will start running my mouth. You got command. You are West Side legendary! And, Tony. Tony, the Jets. I gave them my word you'd show. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Valentina''': Tony, I don't tell you who to hang out with, but- :'''Tony''': ''[in an exaggerated Puerto Rican accent]'' -Bu' dose boysss are yuvenile delinquen'! Dey'rrrrrre no goo' for jou and jou better wash ou'! :'''Valentina''': ''[in an exaggerated New York accent]'' Hey, you make funna da way I tawk one more time, blondie! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maria''': The boys think I'm a kid. :'''Anita''': You ''are'' a kid, kiddo. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maria''': You're tall. :'''Tony''': Yeah, and... you're not. :'''Maria''': You're not Puerto Rican. :'''Tony''': ''[amused]'' You're just figuring that out? :'''Maria''': From down here I wasn't sure. :'''Tony''': Is it okay? That I'm not? :'''Maria''': I don't know. Creo que sí, pero...como yo nunca - Since I never seen you before. This is my first time dancing in New York City, so you tell me. Is it OK? :'''Tony''': Not much I can do about it, but— ''[Maria suddenly tries to kiss Tony. Startled, he pulls back.]'' Sorry, you just caught me by surprise is all. I'm a by-the-book type, so... :'''Maria''': By the book? :'''Tony''': Try me again? :''[They kiss]'' :'''Luz''': ''[offscreen]'' ¡María! ¡María! ¿Qué haces? ¡Sal de ahí ahora mismo! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maria''': ''[singing]'' Tonight, tonight, it all began tonight, I saw you and the world went away.<br>Tonight, tonight, there's only you tonight, what you are, what you do, what you say. :'''Tony''': Today, all day I had the feeling a miracle would happen, I know now I was right.<br>For here you are and what was just a world is a star tonight. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony begins to climb down the balcony.]'' :'''Maria''': Wait, wait! ''[Tony climbs back up.]'' I forgot why I called you. :'''Tony''': I'll wait 'til you remember. :'''Maria''': Tony is Antonio? :'''Tony''': Anton. :'''Maria''': Te adoro, Anton. :'''Tony''': Te adoro, Maria. :'''Tony and Maria''': ''[singing]'' Good night, good night,<br>Sleep well and when you dream.<br>Dream of me<br>Tonight. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anita''': ''[singing]'' Puerto Rico, you lovely island,<br>Island of tropical breezes.<br>Always the pineapples growing,<br>Always the coffee blossoms blowing. :'''Woman #1''': And the money owing :'''Woman #2''': And the sunlight streaming :'''Woman #3''': And the natives steaming. :'''Anita''': I like the island of Manhattan. :'''Rosalina:''' I know you do! :'''Anita''': Smoke on your pipe and put that in! :'''Girls''': ''[singing]'' I like to be in America,<br>OK by me in America,<br>Everything free in America! :'''Bernardo''': ''[singing]'' For a small fee in America. :'''Anita''': ''[singing]'' Buying on credit is so nice. :'''Bernardo''': ''[singing]'' One look at us and they charge twice. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bernardo''': You keep away from him, as long as you're in my house. :'''Maria''': I'm a grown-up now, Bernardo. I'm gonna think for myself. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tony''': ''[learning to speak Spanish with Valentina]'' I'm happy to see you again. :'''Valentina''': Me alegra verte de nuevo. :''[Tony takes the pencil and writes it down]'' :'''Tony''': Me... alegra... verte... de nuevo. :'''Valentina''': So, who are you so happy to see again? :'''Tony''': Last one: "You look beautiful." :'''Valentina''': ¿De veras? :'''Tony''': De...veras. :'''Valentina''': ¿Una puertorriqueña? :''[Tony grins, shrugs. She looks very concerned]'' :'''Tony''': I wanna do like Doc, find me a Puerto Rican gal! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tony''': ''[singing]'' Make of our hands one hand, Make of our hearts one heart<br>Make of our vows one last vow, Only death will part us now. :'''Maria''': Make of our lives one life, Day after day one life :'''Tony and Maria''': Now it begins, now we start<br>One hand, one heart, even death won't part us now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chino''': And Riff, he got stabbed, and... :'''Maria''': Tony. Chino! :'''Chino''': Tony killed Bernardo. :'''Maria''': Chino! Liar! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anita''': He will never be safe here. :'''Maria''': Sí, lo sé. :'''Anita''': And no one will ever forgive him. :'''Maria''': Will you? :'''Anita''': You can't ever ask me that. :'''Maria''': Will you forgive me? :'''Anita''': Te quiero, mi niña. For he will have to go away, and you will have to go with him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maria''': ''[singing to Tony after Chino shoots him]'' Only you, you’re the only thing I’ll see forever. In my eyes, in my words, and in everything I do. Nothing else but you ever. ''[Tony dies. As she lays him down on the ground gently; reaches her hand in front of Chino] Give it to me. :''[Maria takes the gun after Chino refused]'' :'''Maria''': ''[examining the gun]'' How do you fire it? Just... pull this?! ''[Points the gun at Chino]'' How many bullets are left? Enough for you? ''[Points at Ice]'' And you? ''[Points at Diesel and the other Jets]'' All of you? I can kill now because I hate now. ''[Points at the Sharks]'' I hate now. ''[She points at Chino again]'' How many can I kill, Chino? How many? And still have one bullet left for me? ''[Instead surrenders and goes back to Tony's body; kisses Tony]'' Te adoro, Anton. ''[the Jets go to their fallen as Ice tries to help Maria but Maria shrugs him off]'' No, don't touch him! :'''Braulio''': ''[comforting Maria]'' Maria, ya es tiempo. Vente con nosotros. == Taglines == * A city divided. Their love will change everything * Celebrate the greatest love story of all time. * Risk everything for true love. == Cast == {{col-begin}} {{col-2}} * [[w:Ansel Elgort|Ansel Elgort]] - Tony * [[w:Rachel Zegler|Rachel Zegler]] - Maria * [[w:Ariana DeBose|Ariana DeBose]] - Anita * [[w:David Alvarez (actor)|David Alvarez]] - Bernardo * [[w:Mike Faist|Mike Faist]] - Riff * [[w:Rita Moreno|Rita Moreno]] - Valentina * [[w:Brian d'Arcy James|Brian d'Arcy James]] - Officer Krupke * [[w:Corey Stoll|Corey Stoll]] - Lieutenant Schrank * Josh Andrés Rivera - Chino * [[w:Ana Isabelle|Ana Isabelle]] - Rosalía * [[w:Andréa Burns|Andréa Burns]] - Fausta {{col-2}} * [[w:Jamila Velazquez|Jamila Velazquez]] - Meche * [[w:Yassmin Alers|Yassmin Alers]] - Lluvia * [[w:Jamie Harris (actor)|Jamie Harris]] - Rory * [[w:Curtiss Cook|Curtiss Cook]] - Abe * Paloma Garcia-Lee - Graziella * Patrick Higgins - Baby John * [[w:Ben Cook (actor)|Ben Cook]] - Mouthpiece * [[w:Kyle Allen (actor)|Kyle Allen]] - Balkan * [[w:Myles Erlick|Myles Erlick]] - Snowboy * [[w:Talia Ryder|Talia Ryder]] - Tessie * [[w:Maddie Ziegler|Maddie Ziegler]] - Velma {{col-end}} == See also == * ''[[West Side Story (1961 film)]]'' == External links == {{wikipedia|West Side Story (2021 film)}} * {{imdb title|id=3581652|title=West Side Story}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=west_side_story_2021|title=West Side Story}} * [https://www.westsidestory.com/2021-film Official website] [[Category:2021 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Crime films]] [[Category:Films based on plays]] [[Category:Musical films]] [[Category:Romantic drama films]] [[Category:Steven Spielberg films]] [[Category:Remake films]] [[Category:Films based on works by William Shakespeare]] [[Category:Films set in Manhattan]] [[Category:Gang films]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] 7pmriw9cve46xwr00bf3ccpbbn86eqm 0 250129 3157866 3155984 2022-08-25T16:02:39Z 142.134.216.72 /* [1.02] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:She-Hulk: Attorney at Law|She-Hulk: Attorney at Law]]''''' is an American television miniseries created by [[w:Jessica Gao|Jessica Gao]] for the streaming service [[w:Disney+|Disney+]], based on the [[w:Marvel Comics|Marvel Comics]] featuring the character [[w:She-Hulk|Jennifer Walters / She-Hulk]], cousin of [[w:Hulk|Dr. Bruce Banner / The Hulk]]. == ''A Normal Amount of Rage'' [1.01] == :'''Jennifer Walters''': My theory. Steve Rogers did not have a girlfriend before he went into the service. :'''Bruce Banner''': Says who? :'''Jennifer Walters''': The History Channel. So he becomes Captain America. And from that moment on, a symbol of America. He is rushed to the front lines. He becomes a war hero. Then he is frozen in ice. So based on everything you've told me, after he gets unfrozen, he goes from world-threatening disaster to world-threatening disaster. That's when he's not a fugitive from the law, right? So it seems like he was pretty, pretty busy. :'''Bruce Banner''': All you're doing is repeating everything that I've already told you about my friend and colleague. :'''Jennifer Walters''': Obviously, Captain America was a virgin. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jennifer Walters''': I thought the point was to prevent me from turning into a Hulk. :'''Smart Hulk''': These transformations are triggered by distressed, emotional sates. So we need to know the exact threshold that causes it for you. The triggers are anger and fear. :'''Jennifer Walters''': Those are like the baseline of any woman just existing. :'''Smart Hulk''': Alright, then let's try this. :''[He presses a button which unleashes a wall of saws inside the chamber with Jennifer.]'' :'''Jennifer Walters''': Bruce! It kinda feels like if I don't transform, I'm gonna die! Do you have a plan B for that? :'''Smart Hulk''': Ha, nope. :'''Jennifer Walters''': "No"? Ah! Not funny, Bruce! ''[She tears off the helmet on her head]'' What? You're just gonna kill me? Come on! :'''Smart Hulk''': Put on the helmet, we need the data! :''[The wall of saws come even closer]'' :'''Jennifer Walters''': ''[eyes bulging in fear]'' WHAT DO YOU NORMALLY USE THIS CHAMBER FOR, YOU PSYCHOPATH?! :''[She covers her eyes; suddenly two very large green arms smash the wall and pushes it back where it started. Jennifer has successfully Hulked out.]'' :'''Smart Hulk''': [thumbs up] Yes! Yes. Yes. :''[She-Hulk growls and turns towards the door, tearing it loose]'' :'''Smart Hulk''': No! No! :''[He backs away as She-Hulk breaks free from the chamber and approaches him, roaring angrily]'' :'''Smart Hulk''': Easy, girl! Easy! Easy. :''[Suddenly, the rage and anger disappear from She-Hulk's face] :'''She-Hulk''': Why are you talking to me like I'm a stray horse? <hr width="50% /> :''[mid-credit scene; Jennifer is commiserating about her theory with Smart Hulk]'' :'''Jennifer Walters''': ''[tearfully]'' It's just so sad. Steve Rogers did so much for his country and he never got to experience sex. ''[continues sobbing]'' Did you see that ass? Like, that ass did not ''[sobs]'' deserve to die a virgin. It's, like, so sad. :''[Jennifer gulps down a large drink]'' :'''Smart Hulk''': ''[sighs]'' Steve Rogers is not a virgin. He lost his virginity to a girl in 1943 on the USO tour. :''[Jennifer puts down her drink]'' :'''Jennifer Walters''': ''[brightening, smiles]'' Yes! I KNEW IT! :'''Smart Hulk''': You're not drunk? :'''Jennifer Walters''': [[w:Steve Rogers (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|CAPTAIN AMERICA]] FU-- == Superhuman Law [1.02] == == [1.03] == == [1.04] == == [1.05] == == [1.06] == == [1.07] == == [1.08] == == [1.09] == == Cast == * [[w:Tatiana Maslany|Tatiana Maslany]] as [[w:She-Hulk|She-Hulk / Jennifer Walters]] * [[w:Jameela Jamil|Jameela Jamil]] as [[w:Titania (Marvel Comics)|Titania]] * [[w:Ginger Gonzaga|Ginger Gonzaga]] as Nikki Ramos * [[w:Renée Elise Goldsberry|Renée Elise Goldsberry]] as [[w:Mallory Book|Mallory Book]] * [[w:Tim Roth|Tim Roth]] as [[w:Abomination (comics)|Abomination / Emil Blonsky]] * [[w:Mark Ruffalo|Mark Ruffalo]] as [[w:Bruce Banner (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Smart Hulk / Bruce Banner]] * [[w:Benedict Wong|Benedict Wong]] as [[w:Wong (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Wong]] * [[w:Charlie Cox|Charlie Cox]] as [[w:Matt Murdock (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Daredevil / Matt Murdock]] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Marvel Cinematic Universe]] [[Category:Disney+ shows]] [[Category:Superhero TV shows]] [[Category:Television programs based on comics]] jx0rbr4cxdmnvl2savipr6n0r49wuf9 0 250188 3158059 3157260 2022-08-26T04:42:52Z Bicam3ralMind 2956799 /* [1.3] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:House of the Dragon|House of the Dragon]]''''' (2022–present) is an American fantasy drama airing on HBO about the events leading up to and surrounding the civil war known as the "Dance of the Dragons," which took place 200 years before the events of ''[[Game of Thrones]]''. == Season 1== === ''The Heirs of the Dragon'' [1.1] === :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen''': As the first century of the Targaryen dynasty came to a close, the health of the Old King, Jaehaerys, was failing. In those days, House Targaryen stood at the height of its strength, with ten adult dragons under its yoke. No power in the world could stand against it. King Jaehaerys reigned over nearly sixty years of peace and prosperity, but tragedy had claimed both his sons, leaving his succession in doubt. So, in the year 101, the Old King called a Great Council to choose an heir. Over a thousand lords made the journey to Harrenhal. Fourteen succession claims were heard, but only two were truly considered. Princess Rhaenys Targaryen, the King's eldest descendant, and her younger cousin, Prince Viserys Targaryen, the King's eldest ''male'' descendant. :<div align="justify">'''King Jaehaerys I Targaryen''': ''[flashback, the day of the Great Council]'' It is declared by all lords paramount and lords vassal of the Seven Kingdoms that Prince Viserys Targaryen be made Prince of Dragonstone. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen''': Rhaenys, a woman, would not inherit the Iron Throne. The lords instead chose Viserys, my father. Jaehaerys called the Great Council to prevent a war being fought over his succession. For he knew the cold truth. The only thing that could tear down the House of the Dragon was itself. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Queen Aemma Arryn''': You will lie in this bed soon enough, Rhaenyra. This discomfort is how we serve the realm. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen <small>(Young)</small>''': I'd rather serve as a knight and ride to battle and glory. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Aemma Arryn''': We have royal wombs, you and I. The childbed is our battlefield. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Ser Otto Hightower''': No one here can know what Daemon would do were he king but no one can doubt his ambition. Look at what he did with the gold cloaks. The City Watch is fiercely loyal to him. An army two thousand strong. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': An army ''you'' gave him, Otto. I named Daemon Master of Laws, but you said he was a tyrant. As Master of Coin, you said he was a spendthrift that would beggar the realm. Putting Daemon in command of the City Watch was your solution! :<div align="justify">'''Ser Otto Hightower''': A half-measure, Your Grace. The truth is, Daemon should be far away from this court. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Daemon is my brother. My blood. And he ''will'' have his place at my court. :<div align="justify">'''Grand Maester Mellos''': Let him keep his place at court, Your Grace, but if the gods should visit some further tragedy on you, either by design or accident... :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': ''Design''? What are you saying? My brother would murder me, take my crown? Are you? Please. Daemon has ambition, yes, but not for the throne. He lacks the patience for it. :<div align="justify">'''Ser Otto Hightower''': The gods have yet to make a man who lacks the patience for absolute power, Your Grace. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': ''[after Daemon confirms he toasted Baelon as "The Heir for a Day"]'' My family has just been destroyed. But instead of being by my side, or Rhaenyra's, you chose to celebrate your own rise! Laughing with your whοres and your lickspittles! You have no allies at court but me! I have only ever defended you! Yet everything I've given you, you've thrown back in my face. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': You've only ever tried to send me away. To the Vale, to the City Watch, anywhere but by your side. Ten years you've been king, and yet not once have you asked me to be your Hand! :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Why would I do that? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': Because I'm your brother. And the blood of the dragon runs thick. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Then why do you cut me so deeply? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': I've only ever spoken the truth. I see Otto Hightower for what he is. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': An unwavering and loyal Hand? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': A cunt. A second son who stands to inherit nothing he does not seize for himself. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Otto Hightower is a more honourable man than you could ever be. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': He doesn't protect you, I would! :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': From what? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': ''Yourself''. You're weak, Viserys, and that council of leeches knows it. They all prey on you for their own ends. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen <small>(Young)</small>''': Everyone says Targaryens are closer to gods than to men but they say that because of our dragons. Without them, we're just like everyone else. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': The idea that we control the dragons is an illusion. They're a power man should never have trifled with. One that brought Valyria its doom. If we don't mind our own histories, it will do the same to us. Targaryen must understand this to be King. Or Queen. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': There's something else that I need to tell you. It might be difficult for you to understand but you must hear it. Our histories... they tell us that Aegon looked across the Blackwater from Dragonstone and saw a rich land ripe for the capture. But ambition alone is not what drove him to conquest. It was a dream. And just as Daenys foresaw the end of Valyria, Aegon foresaw the end of the world of men. 'Tis to begin with a terrible winter gusting out of the distant north. Aegon saw absolute darkness riding on those winds. And whatever dwells within will destroy the world of the living. When this Great Winter comes, Rhaenyra, all of Westeros must stand against it. And if the world of men is to survive, a Targaryen must be seated on the Iron Throne. A king or queen strong enough to unite the realm against the cold and the dark. Aegon called his dream "The Song of Ice and Fire." This secret, it's been passed from king to heir since Aegon's time. Now you must promise to carry it and protect it. Promise me this, Rhaenyra. Promise me. === ''The Rogue Prince'' [1.2] === === Second of His Name [1.3] === === [1.4] === === [1.5] === === [1.6] === === [1.7] === === [1.8] === === [1.9] === === [1.10] === == Cast == * [[w:Paddy Considine|Paddy Considine]] - King Viserys I Targaryen * [[Matt Smith (actor)|Matt Smith]] - Prince Daemon Targaryen * [[w:Emma D'Arcy|Emma D'Arcy]] - Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen * [[w:Rhys Ifans|Rhys Ifans]] - Ser Otto Hightower * [[w:Olivia Cooke|Olivia Cooke]] - Lady Alicent Hightower * [[w:Steve Toussaint|Steve Toussaint]] - Lord Corlys Velaryon * [[w:Eve Best|Eve Best]] - Princess Rhaenys Targaryen * [[w:Sonoya Mizuno|Sonoya Mizuno]] – Mysaria * [[w:Fabien Frankel|Fabien Frankel]] - Ser Criston Cole * [[w:Graham McTavish|Graham McTavish]] - Ser Harrold Westerling == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=11198330}} {{DEFAULTSORT:House of the Dragon, The}} [[Category:American fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:HBO shows]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:Game of Thrones]] jtt5ah9ot8xuw1cxct6bzydcx89rvsu 3158060 3158059 2022-08-26T04:43:07Z Bicam3ralMind 2956799 /* Second of His Name [1.3] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:House of the Dragon|House of the Dragon]]''''' (2022–present) is an American fantasy drama airing on HBO about the events leading up to and surrounding the civil war known as the "Dance of the Dragons," which took place 200 years before the events of ''[[Game of Thrones]]''. == Season 1== === ''The Heirs of the Dragon'' [1.1] === :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen''': As the first century of the Targaryen dynasty came to a close, the health of the Old King, Jaehaerys, was failing. In those days, House Targaryen stood at the height of its strength, with ten adult dragons under its yoke. No power in the world could stand against it. King Jaehaerys reigned over nearly sixty years of peace and prosperity, but tragedy had claimed both his sons, leaving his succession in doubt. So, in the year 101, the Old King called a Great Council to choose an heir. Over a thousand lords made the journey to Harrenhal. Fourteen succession claims were heard, but only two were truly considered. Princess Rhaenys Targaryen, the King's eldest descendant, and her younger cousin, Prince Viserys Targaryen, the King's eldest ''male'' descendant. :<div align="justify">'''King Jaehaerys I Targaryen''': ''[flashback, the day of the Great Council]'' It is declared by all lords paramount and lords vassal of the Seven Kingdoms that Prince Viserys Targaryen be made Prince of Dragonstone. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen''': Rhaenys, a woman, would not inherit the Iron Throne. The lords instead chose Viserys, my father. Jaehaerys called the Great Council to prevent a war being fought over his succession. For he knew the cold truth. The only thing that could tear down the House of the Dragon was itself. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Queen Aemma Arryn''': You will lie in this bed soon enough, Rhaenyra. This discomfort is how we serve the realm. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen <small>(Young)</small>''': I'd rather serve as a knight and ride to battle and glory. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Aemma Arryn''': We have royal wombs, you and I. The childbed is our battlefield. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Ser Otto Hightower''': No one here can know what Daemon would do were he king but no one can doubt his ambition. Look at what he did with the gold cloaks. The City Watch is fiercely loyal to him. An army two thousand strong. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': An army ''you'' gave him, Otto. I named Daemon Master of Laws, but you said he was a tyrant. As Master of Coin, you said he was a spendthrift that would beggar the realm. Putting Daemon in command of the City Watch was your solution! :<div align="justify">'''Ser Otto Hightower''': A half-measure, Your Grace. The truth is, Daemon should be far away from this court. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Daemon is my brother. My blood. And he ''will'' have his place at my court. :<div align="justify">'''Grand Maester Mellos''': Let him keep his place at court, Your Grace, but if the gods should visit some further tragedy on you, either by design or accident... :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': ''Design''? What are you saying? My brother would murder me, take my crown? Are you? Please. Daemon has ambition, yes, but not for the throne. He lacks the patience for it. :<div align="justify">'''Ser Otto Hightower''': The gods have yet to make a man who lacks the patience for absolute power, Your Grace. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': ''[after Daemon confirms he toasted Baelon as "The Heir for a Day"]'' My family has just been destroyed. But instead of being by my side, or Rhaenyra's, you chose to celebrate your own rise! Laughing with your whοres and your lickspittles! You have no allies at court but me! I have only ever defended you! Yet everything I've given you, you've thrown back in my face. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': You've only ever tried to send me away. To the Vale, to the City Watch, anywhere but by your side. Ten years you've been king, and yet not once have you asked me to be your Hand! :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Why would I do that? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': Because I'm your brother. And the blood of the dragon runs thick. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Then why do you cut me so deeply? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': I've only ever spoken the truth. I see Otto Hightower for what he is. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': An unwavering and loyal Hand? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': A cunt. A second son who stands to inherit nothing he does not seize for himself. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Otto Hightower is a more honourable man than you could ever be. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': He doesn't protect you, I would! :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': From what? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': ''Yourself''. You're weak, Viserys, and that council of leeches knows it. They all prey on you for their own ends. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen <small>(Young)</small>''': Everyone says Targaryens are closer to gods than to men but they say that because of our dragons. Without them, we're just like everyone else. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': The idea that we control the dragons is an illusion. They're a power man should never have trifled with. One that brought Valyria its doom. If we don't mind our own histories, it will do the same to us. Targaryen must understand this to be King. Or Queen. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': There's something else that I need to tell you. It might be difficult for you to understand but you must hear it. Our histories... they tell us that Aegon looked across the Blackwater from Dragonstone and saw a rich land ripe for the capture. But ambition alone is not what drove him to conquest. It was a dream. And just as Daenys foresaw the end of Valyria, Aegon foresaw the end of the world of men. 'Tis to begin with a terrible winter gusting out of the distant north. Aegon saw absolute darkness riding on those winds. And whatever dwells within will destroy the world of the living. When this Great Winter comes, Rhaenyra, all of Westeros must stand against it. And if the world of men is to survive, a Targaryen must be seated on the Iron Throne. A king or queen strong enough to unite the realm against the cold and the dark. Aegon called his dream "The Song of Ice and Fire." This secret, it's been passed from king to heir since Aegon's time. Now you must promise to carry it and protect it. Promise me this, Rhaenyra. Promise me. === ''The Rogue Prince'' [1.2] === === ''Second of His Name'' [1.3] === === [1.4] === === [1.5] === === [1.6] === === [1.7] === === [1.8] === === [1.9] === === [1.10] === == Cast == * [[w:Paddy Considine|Paddy Considine]] - King Viserys I Targaryen * [[Matt Smith (actor)|Matt Smith]] - Prince Daemon Targaryen * [[w:Emma D'Arcy|Emma D'Arcy]] - Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen * [[w:Rhys Ifans|Rhys Ifans]] - Ser Otto Hightower * [[w:Olivia Cooke|Olivia Cooke]] - Lady Alicent Hightower * [[w:Steve Toussaint|Steve Toussaint]] - Lord Corlys Velaryon * [[w:Eve Best|Eve Best]] - Princess Rhaenys Targaryen * [[w:Sonoya Mizuno|Sonoya Mizuno]] – Mysaria * [[w:Fabien Frankel|Fabien Frankel]] - Ser Criston Cole * [[w:Graham McTavish|Graham McTavish]] - Ser Harrold Westerling == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=11198330}} {{DEFAULTSORT:House of the Dragon, The}} [[Category:American fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:HBO shows]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:Game of Thrones]] 5dyffgqw1f7y3625ak3ptjysqvltwg0 3158061 3158060 2022-08-26T04:43:44Z Bicam3ralMind 2956799 /* [1.4] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:House of the Dragon|House of the Dragon]]''''' (2022–present) is an American fantasy drama airing on HBO about the events leading up to and surrounding the civil war known as the "Dance of the Dragons," which took place 200 years before the events of ''[[Game of Thrones]]''. == Season 1== === ''The Heirs of the Dragon'' [1.1] === :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen''': As the first century of the Targaryen dynasty came to a close, the health of the Old King, Jaehaerys, was failing. In those days, House Targaryen stood at the height of its strength, with ten adult dragons under its yoke. No power in the world could stand against it. King Jaehaerys reigned over nearly sixty years of peace and prosperity, but tragedy had claimed both his sons, leaving his succession in doubt. So, in the year 101, the Old King called a Great Council to choose an heir. Over a thousand lords made the journey to Harrenhal. Fourteen succession claims were heard, but only two were truly considered. Princess Rhaenys Targaryen, the King's eldest descendant, and her younger cousin, Prince Viserys Targaryen, the King's eldest ''male'' descendant. :<div align="justify">'''King Jaehaerys I Targaryen''': ''[flashback, the day of the Great Council]'' It is declared by all lords paramount and lords vassal of the Seven Kingdoms that Prince Viserys Targaryen be made Prince of Dragonstone. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen''': Rhaenys, a woman, would not inherit the Iron Throne. The lords instead chose Viserys, my father. Jaehaerys called the Great Council to prevent a war being fought over his succession. For he knew the cold truth. The only thing that could tear down the House of the Dragon was itself. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Queen Aemma Arryn''': You will lie in this bed soon enough, Rhaenyra. This discomfort is how we serve the realm. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen <small>(Young)</small>''': I'd rather serve as a knight and ride to battle and glory. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Aemma Arryn''': We have royal wombs, you and I. The childbed is our battlefield. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Ser Otto Hightower''': No one here can know what Daemon would do were he king but no one can doubt his ambition. Look at what he did with the gold cloaks. The City Watch is fiercely loyal to him. An army two thousand strong. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': An army ''you'' gave him, Otto. I named Daemon Master of Laws, but you said he was a tyrant. As Master of Coin, you said he was a spendthrift that would beggar the realm. Putting Daemon in command of the City Watch was your solution! :<div align="justify">'''Ser Otto Hightower''': A half-measure, Your Grace. The truth is, Daemon should be far away from this court. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Daemon is my brother. My blood. And he ''will'' have his place at my court. :<div align="justify">'''Grand Maester Mellos''': Let him keep his place at court, Your Grace, but if the gods should visit some further tragedy on you, either by design or accident... :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': ''Design''? What are you saying? My brother would murder me, take my crown? Are you? Please. Daemon has ambition, yes, but not for the throne. He lacks the patience for it. :<div align="justify">'''Ser Otto Hightower''': The gods have yet to make a man who lacks the patience for absolute power, Your Grace. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': ''[after Daemon confirms he toasted Baelon as "The Heir for a Day"]'' My family has just been destroyed. But instead of being by my side, or Rhaenyra's, you chose to celebrate your own rise! Laughing with your whοres and your lickspittles! You have no allies at court but me! I have only ever defended you! Yet everything I've given you, you've thrown back in my face. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': You've only ever tried to send me away. To the Vale, to the City Watch, anywhere but by your side. Ten years you've been king, and yet not once have you asked me to be your Hand! :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Why would I do that? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': Because I'm your brother. And the blood of the dragon runs thick. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Then why do you cut me so deeply? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': I've only ever spoken the truth. I see Otto Hightower for what he is. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': An unwavering and loyal Hand? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': A cunt. A second son who stands to inherit nothing he does not seize for himself. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Otto Hightower is a more honourable man than you could ever be. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': He doesn't protect you, I would! :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': From what? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': ''Yourself''. You're weak, Viserys, and that council of leeches knows it. They all prey on you for their own ends. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen <small>(Young)</small>''': Everyone says Targaryens are closer to gods than to men but they say that because of our dragons. Without them, we're just like everyone else. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': The idea that we control the dragons is an illusion. They're a power man should never have trifled with. One that brought Valyria its doom. If we don't mind our own histories, it will do the same to us. Targaryen must understand this to be King. Or Queen. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': There's something else that I need to tell you. It might be difficult for you to understand but you must hear it. Our histories... they tell us that Aegon looked across the Blackwater from Dragonstone and saw a rich land ripe for the capture. But ambition alone is not what drove him to conquest. It was a dream. And just as Daenys foresaw the end of Valyria, Aegon foresaw the end of the world of men. 'Tis to begin with a terrible winter gusting out of the distant north. Aegon saw absolute darkness riding on those winds. And whatever dwells within will destroy the world of the living. When this Great Winter comes, Rhaenyra, all of Westeros must stand against it. And if the world of men is to survive, a Targaryen must be seated on the Iron Throne. A king or queen strong enough to unite the realm against the cold and the dark. Aegon called his dream "The Song of Ice and Fire." This secret, it's been passed from king to heir since Aegon's time. Now you must promise to carry it and protect it. Promise me this, Rhaenyra. Promise me. === ''The Rogue Prince'' [1.2] === === ''Second of His Name'' [1.3] === === ''King of the Narrow Sea'' [1.4] === === [1.5] === === [1.6] === === [1.7] === === [1.8] === === [1.9] === === [1.10] === == Cast == * [[w:Paddy Considine|Paddy Considine]] - King Viserys I Targaryen * [[Matt Smith (actor)|Matt Smith]] - Prince Daemon Targaryen * [[w:Emma D'Arcy|Emma D'Arcy]] - Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen * [[w:Rhys Ifans|Rhys Ifans]] - Ser Otto Hightower * [[w:Olivia Cooke|Olivia Cooke]] - Lady Alicent Hightower * [[w:Steve Toussaint|Steve Toussaint]] - Lord Corlys Velaryon * [[w:Eve Best|Eve Best]] - Princess Rhaenys Targaryen * [[w:Sonoya Mizuno|Sonoya Mizuno]] – Mysaria * [[w:Fabien Frankel|Fabien Frankel]] - Ser Criston Cole * [[w:Graham McTavish|Graham McTavish]] - Ser Harrold Westerling == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=11198330}} {{DEFAULTSORT:House of the Dragon, The}} [[Category:American fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:HBO shows]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:Game of Thrones]] p08s9kwvf9kdns3vwfpkt11cagjumeb 3158062 3158061 2022-08-26T04:44:08Z Bicam3ralMind 2956799 /* [1.5] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:House of the Dragon|House of the Dragon]]''''' (2022–present) is an American fantasy drama airing on HBO about the events leading up to and surrounding the civil war known as the "Dance of the Dragons," which took place 200 years before the events of ''[[Game of Thrones]]''. == Season 1== === ''The Heirs of the Dragon'' [1.1] === :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen''': As the first century of the Targaryen dynasty came to a close, the health of the Old King, Jaehaerys, was failing. In those days, House Targaryen stood at the height of its strength, with ten adult dragons under its yoke. No power in the world could stand against it. King Jaehaerys reigned over nearly sixty years of peace and prosperity, but tragedy had claimed both his sons, leaving his succession in doubt. So, in the year 101, the Old King called a Great Council to choose an heir. Over a thousand lords made the journey to Harrenhal. Fourteen succession claims were heard, but only two were truly considered. Princess Rhaenys Targaryen, the King's eldest descendant, and her younger cousin, Prince Viserys Targaryen, the King's eldest ''male'' descendant. :<div align="justify">'''King Jaehaerys I Targaryen''': ''[flashback, the day of the Great Council]'' It is declared by all lords paramount and lords vassal of the Seven Kingdoms that Prince Viserys Targaryen be made Prince of Dragonstone. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen''': Rhaenys, a woman, would not inherit the Iron Throne. The lords instead chose Viserys, my father. Jaehaerys called the Great Council to prevent a war being fought over his succession. For he knew the cold truth. The only thing that could tear down the House of the Dragon was itself. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Queen Aemma Arryn''': You will lie in this bed soon enough, Rhaenyra. This discomfort is how we serve the realm. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen <small>(Young)</small>''': I'd rather serve as a knight and ride to battle and glory. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Aemma Arryn''': We have royal wombs, you and I. The childbed is our battlefield. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Ser Otto Hightower''': No one here can know what Daemon would do were he king but no one can doubt his ambition. Look at what he did with the gold cloaks. The City Watch is fiercely loyal to him. An army two thousand strong. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': An army ''you'' gave him, Otto. I named Daemon Master of Laws, but you said he was a tyrant. As Master of Coin, you said he was a spendthrift that would beggar the realm. Putting Daemon in command of the City Watch was your solution! :<div align="justify">'''Ser Otto Hightower''': A half-measure, Your Grace. The truth is, Daemon should be far away from this court. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Daemon is my brother. My blood. And he ''will'' have his place at my court. :<div align="justify">'''Grand Maester Mellos''': Let him keep his place at court, Your Grace, but if the gods should visit some further tragedy on you, either by design or accident... :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': ''Design''? What are you saying? My brother would murder me, take my crown? Are you? Please. Daemon has ambition, yes, but not for the throne. He lacks the patience for it. :<div align="justify">'''Ser Otto Hightower''': The gods have yet to make a man who lacks the patience for absolute power, Your Grace. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': ''[after Daemon confirms he toasted Baelon as "The Heir for a Day"]'' My family has just been destroyed. But instead of being by my side, or Rhaenyra's, you chose to celebrate your own rise! Laughing with your whοres and your lickspittles! You have no allies at court but me! I have only ever defended you! Yet everything I've given you, you've thrown back in my face. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': You've only ever tried to send me away. To the Vale, to the City Watch, anywhere but by your side. Ten years you've been king, and yet not once have you asked me to be your Hand! :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Why would I do that? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': Because I'm your brother. And the blood of the dragon runs thick. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Then why do you cut me so deeply? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': I've only ever spoken the truth. I see Otto Hightower for what he is. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': An unwavering and loyal Hand? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': A cunt. A second son who stands to inherit nothing he does not seize for himself. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Otto Hightower is a more honourable man than you could ever be. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': He doesn't protect you, I would! :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': From what? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': ''Yourself''. You're weak, Viserys, and that council of leeches knows it. They all prey on you for their own ends. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen <small>(Young)</small>''': Everyone says Targaryens are closer to gods than to men but they say that because of our dragons. Without them, we're just like everyone else. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': The idea that we control the dragons is an illusion. They're a power man should never have trifled with. One that brought Valyria its doom. If we don't mind our own histories, it will do the same to us. Targaryen must understand this to be King. Or Queen. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': There's something else that I need to tell you. It might be difficult for you to understand but you must hear it. Our histories... they tell us that Aegon looked across the Blackwater from Dragonstone and saw a rich land ripe for the capture. But ambition alone is not what drove him to conquest. It was a dream. And just as Daenys foresaw the end of Valyria, Aegon foresaw the end of the world of men. 'Tis to begin with a terrible winter gusting out of the distant north. Aegon saw absolute darkness riding on those winds. And whatever dwells within will destroy the world of the living. When this Great Winter comes, Rhaenyra, all of Westeros must stand against it. And if the world of men is to survive, a Targaryen must be seated on the Iron Throne. A king or queen strong enough to unite the realm against the cold and the dark. Aegon called his dream "The Song of Ice and Fire." This secret, it's been passed from king to heir since Aegon's time. Now you must promise to carry it and protect it. Promise me this, Rhaenyra. Promise me. === ''The Rogue Prince'' [1.2] === === ''Second of His Name'' [1.3] === === ''King of the Narrow Sea'' [1.4] === === ''We Light the Way'' [1.5] === === [1.6] === === [1.7] === === [1.8] === === [1.9] === === [1.10] === == Cast == * [[w:Paddy Considine|Paddy Considine]] - King Viserys I Targaryen * [[Matt Smith (actor)|Matt Smith]] - Prince Daemon Targaryen * [[w:Emma D'Arcy|Emma D'Arcy]] - Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen * [[w:Rhys Ifans|Rhys Ifans]] - Ser Otto Hightower * [[w:Olivia Cooke|Olivia Cooke]] - Lady Alicent Hightower * [[w:Steve Toussaint|Steve Toussaint]] - Lord Corlys Velaryon * [[w:Eve Best|Eve Best]] - Princess Rhaenys Targaryen * [[w:Sonoya Mizuno|Sonoya Mizuno]] – Mysaria * [[w:Fabien Frankel|Fabien Frankel]] - Ser Criston Cole * [[w:Graham McTavish|Graham McTavish]] - Ser Harrold Westerling == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=11198330}} {{DEFAULTSORT:House of the Dragon, The}} [[Category:American fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:HBO shows]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:Game of Thrones]] 95zlqu43ydwda0lgozdaelk93bb0pip 3158063 3158062 2022-08-26T04:44:30Z Bicam3ralMind 2956799 /* [1.6] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:House of the Dragon|House of the Dragon]]''''' (2022–present) is an American fantasy drama airing on HBO about the events leading up to and surrounding the civil war known as the "Dance of the Dragons," which took place 200 years before the events of ''[[Game of Thrones]]''. == Season 1== === ''The Heirs of the Dragon'' [1.1] === :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen''': As the first century of the Targaryen dynasty came to a close, the health of the Old King, Jaehaerys, was failing. In those days, House Targaryen stood at the height of its strength, with ten adult dragons under its yoke. No power in the world could stand against it. King Jaehaerys reigned over nearly sixty years of peace and prosperity, but tragedy had claimed both his sons, leaving his succession in doubt. So, in the year 101, the Old King called a Great Council to choose an heir. Over a thousand lords made the journey to Harrenhal. Fourteen succession claims were heard, but only two were truly considered. Princess Rhaenys Targaryen, the King's eldest descendant, and her younger cousin, Prince Viserys Targaryen, the King's eldest ''male'' descendant. :<div align="justify">'''King Jaehaerys I Targaryen''': ''[flashback, the day of the Great Council]'' It is declared by all lords paramount and lords vassal of the Seven Kingdoms that Prince Viserys Targaryen be made Prince of Dragonstone. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen''': Rhaenys, a woman, would not inherit the Iron Throne. The lords instead chose Viserys, my father. Jaehaerys called the Great Council to prevent a war being fought over his succession. For he knew the cold truth. The only thing that could tear down the House of the Dragon was itself. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Queen Aemma Arryn''': You will lie in this bed soon enough, Rhaenyra. This discomfort is how we serve the realm. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen <small>(Young)</small>''': I'd rather serve as a knight and ride to battle and glory. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Aemma Arryn''': We have royal wombs, you and I. The childbed is our battlefield. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Ser Otto Hightower''': No one here can know what Daemon would do were he king but no one can doubt his ambition. Look at what he did with the gold cloaks. The City Watch is fiercely loyal to him. An army two thousand strong. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': An army ''you'' gave him, Otto. I named Daemon Master of Laws, but you said he was a tyrant. As Master of Coin, you said he was a spendthrift that would beggar the realm. Putting Daemon in command of the City Watch was your solution! :<div align="justify">'''Ser Otto Hightower''': A half-measure, Your Grace. The truth is, Daemon should be far away from this court. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Daemon is my brother. My blood. And he ''will'' have his place at my court. :<div align="justify">'''Grand Maester Mellos''': Let him keep his place at court, Your Grace, but if the gods should visit some further tragedy on you, either by design or accident... :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': ''Design''? What are you saying? My brother would murder me, take my crown? Are you? Please. Daemon has ambition, yes, but not for the throne. He lacks the patience for it. :<div align="justify">'''Ser Otto Hightower''': The gods have yet to make a man who lacks the patience for absolute power, Your Grace. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': ''[after Daemon confirms he toasted Baelon as "The Heir for a Day"]'' My family has just been destroyed. But instead of being by my side, or Rhaenyra's, you chose to celebrate your own rise! Laughing with your whοres and your lickspittles! You have no allies at court but me! I have only ever defended you! Yet everything I've given you, you've thrown back in my face. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': You've only ever tried to send me away. To the Vale, to the City Watch, anywhere but by your side. Ten years you've been king, and yet not once have you asked me to be your Hand! :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Why would I do that? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': Because I'm your brother. And the blood of the dragon runs thick. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Then why do you cut me so deeply? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': I've only ever spoken the truth. I see Otto Hightower for what he is. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': An unwavering and loyal Hand? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': A cunt. A second son who stands to inherit nothing he does not seize for himself. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Otto Hightower is a more honourable man than you could ever be. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': He doesn't protect you, I would! :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': From what? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': ''Yourself''. You're weak, Viserys, and that council of leeches knows it. They all prey on you for their own ends. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen <small>(Young)</small>''': Everyone says Targaryens are closer to gods than to men but they say that because of our dragons. Without them, we're just like everyone else. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': The idea that we control the dragons is an illusion. They're a power man should never have trifled with. One that brought Valyria its doom. If we don't mind our own histories, it will do the same to us. Targaryen must understand this to be King. Or Queen. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': There's something else that I need to tell you. It might be difficult for you to understand but you must hear it. Our histories... they tell us that Aegon looked across the Blackwater from Dragonstone and saw a rich land ripe for the capture. But ambition alone is not what drove him to conquest. It was a dream. And just as Daenys foresaw the end of Valyria, Aegon foresaw the end of the world of men. 'Tis to begin with a terrible winter gusting out of the distant north. Aegon saw absolute darkness riding on those winds. And whatever dwells within will destroy the world of the living. When this Great Winter comes, Rhaenyra, all of Westeros must stand against it. And if the world of men is to survive, a Targaryen must be seated on the Iron Throne. A king or queen strong enough to unite the realm against the cold and the dark. Aegon called his dream "The Song of Ice and Fire." This secret, it's been passed from king to heir since Aegon's time. Now you must promise to carry it and protect it. Promise me this, Rhaenyra. Promise me. === ''The Rogue Prince'' [1.2] === === ''Second of His Name'' [1.3] === === ''King of the Narrow Sea'' [1.4] === === ''We Light the Way'' [1.5] === === ''The Princess and the Queen'' [1.6] === === [1.7] === === [1.8] === === [1.9] === === [1.10] === == Cast == * [[w:Paddy Considine|Paddy Considine]] - King Viserys I Targaryen * [[Matt Smith (actor)|Matt Smith]] - Prince Daemon Targaryen * [[w:Emma D'Arcy|Emma D'Arcy]] - Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen * [[w:Rhys Ifans|Rhys Ifans]] - Ser Otto Hightower * [[w:Olivia Cooke|Olivia Cooke]] - Lady Alicent Hightower * [[w:Steve Toussaint|Steve Toussaint]] - Lord Corlys Velaryon * [[w:Eve Best|Eve Best]] - Princess Rhaenys Targaryen * [[w:Sonoya Mizuno|Sonoya Mizuno]] – Mysaria * [[w:Fabien Frankel|Fabien Frankel]] - Ser Criston Cole * [[w:Graham McTavish|Graham McTavish]] - Ser Harrold Westerling == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=11198330}} {{DEFAULTSORT:House of the Dragon, The}} [[Category:American fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:HBO shows]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:Game of Thrones]] 5h5z0hic7a2o9mur39h6b7084y5zctq 3158064 3158063 2022-08-26T04:44:47Z Bicam3ralMind 2956799 /* [1.7] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:House of the Dragon|House of the Dragon]]''''' (2022–present) is an American fantasy drama airing on HBO about the events leading up to and surrounding the civil war known as the "Dance of the Dragons," which took place 200 years before the events of ''[[Game of Thrones]]''. == Season 1== === ''The Heirs of the Dragon'' [1.1] === :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen''': As the first century of the Targaryen dynasty came to a close, the health of the Old King, Jaehaerys, was failing. In those days, House Targaryen stood at the height of its strength, with ten adult dragons under its yoke. No power in the world could stand against it. King Jaehaerys reigned over nearly sixty years of peace and prosperity, but tragedy had claimed both his sons, leaving his succession in doubt. So, in the year 101, the Old King called a Great Council to choose an heir. Over a thousand lords made the journey to Harrenhal. Fourteen succession claims were heard, but only two were truly considered. Princess Rhaenys Targaryen, the King's eldest descendant, and her younger cousin, Prince Viserys Targaryen, the King's eldest ''male'' descendant. :<div align="justify">'''King Jaehaerys I Targaryen''': ''[flashback, the day of the Great Council]'' It is declared by all lords paramount and lords vassal of the Seven Kingdoms that Prince Viserys Targaryen be made Prince of Dragonstone. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen''': Rhaenys, a woman, would not inherit the Iron Throne. The lords instead chose Viserys, my father. Jaehaerys called the Great Council to prevent a war being fought over his succession. For he knew the cold truth. The only thing that could tear down the House of the Dragon was itself. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Queen Aemma Arryn''': You will lie in this bed soon enough, Rhaenyra. This discomfort is how we serve the realm. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen <small>(Young)</small>''': I'd rather serve as a knight and ride to battle and glory. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Aemma Arryn''': We have royal wombs, you and I. The childbed is our battlefield. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Ser Otto Hightower''': No one here can know what Daemon would do were he king but no one can doubt his ambition. Look at what he did with the gold cloaks. The City Watch is fiercely loyal to him. An army two thousand strong. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': An army ''you'' gave him, Otto. I named Daemon Master of Laws, but you said he was a tyrant. As Master of Coin, you said he was a spendthrift that would beggar the realm. Putting Daemon in command of the City Watch was your solution! :<div align="justify">'''Ser Otto Hightower''': A half-measure, Your Grace. The truth is, Daemon should be far away from this court. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Daemon is my brother. My blood. And he ''will'' have his place at my court. :<div align="justify">'''Grand Maester Mellos''': Let him keep his place at court, Your Grace, but if the gods should visit some further tragedy on you, either by design or accident... :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': ''Design''? What are you saying? My brother would murder me, take my crown? Are you? Please. Daemon has ambition, yes, but not for the throne. He lacks the patience for it. :<div align="justify">'''Ser Otto Hightower''': The gods have yet to make a man who lacks the patience for absolute power, Your Grace. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': ''[after Daemon confirms he toasted Baelon as "The Heir for a Day"]'' My family has just been destroyed. But instead of being by my side, or Rhaenyra's, you chose to celebrate your own rise! Laughing with your whοres and your lickspittles! You have no allies at court but me! I have only ever defended you! Yet everything I've given you, you've thrown back in my face. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': You've only ever tried to send me away. To the Vale, to the City Watch, anywhere but by your side. Ten years you've been king, and yet not once have you asked me to be your Hand! :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Why would I do that? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': Because I'm your brother. And the blood of the dragon runs thick. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Then why do you cut me so deeply? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': I've only ever spoken the truth. I see Otto Hightower for what he is. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': An unwavering and loyal Hand? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': A cunt. A second son who stands to inherit nothing he does not seize for himself. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Otto Hightower is a more honourable man than you could ever be. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': He doesn't protect you, I would! :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': From what? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': ''Yourself''. You're weak, Viserys, and that council of leeches knows it. They all prey on you for their own ends. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen <small>(Young)</small>''': Everyone says Targaryens are closer to gods than to men but they say that because of our dragons. Without them, we're just like everyone else. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': The idea that we control the dragons is an illusion. They're a power man should never have trifled with. One that brought Valyria its doom. If we don't mind our own histories, it will do the same to us. Targaryen must understand this to be King. Or Queen. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': There's something else that I need to tell you. It might be difficult for you to understand but you must hear it. Our histories... they tell us that Aegon looked across the Blackwater from Dragonstone and saw a rich land ripe for the capture. But ambition alone is not what drove him to conquest. It was a dream. And just as Daenys foresaw the end of Valyria, Aegon foresaw the end of the world of men. 'Tis to begin with a terrible winter gusting out of the distant north. Aegon saw absolute darkness riding on those winds. And whatever dwells within will destroy the world of the living. When this Great Winter comes, Rhaenyra, all of Westeros must stand against it. And if the world of men is to survive, a Targaryen must be seated on the Iron Throne. A king or queen strong enough to unite the realm against the cold and the dark. Aegon called his dream "The Song of Ice and Fire." This secret, it's been passed from king to heir since Aegon's time. Now you must promise to carry it and protect it. Promise me this, Rhaenyra. Promise me. === ''The Rogue Prince'' [1.2] === === ''Second of His Name'' [1.3] === === ''King of the Narrow Sea'' [1.4] === === ''We Light the Way'' [1.5] === === ''The Princess and the Queen'' [1.6] === === ''Driftmark'' [1.7] === === [1.8] === === [1.9] === === [1.10] === == Cast == * [[w:Paddy Considine|Paddy Considine]] - King Viserys I Targaryen * [[Matt Smith (actor)|Matt Smith]] - Prince Daemon Targaryen * [[w:Emma D'Arcy|Emma D'Arcy]] - Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen * [[w:Rhys Ifans|Rhys Ifans]] - Ser Otto Hightower * [[w:Olivia Cooke|Olivia Cooke]] - Lady Alicent Hightower * [[w:Steve Toussaint|Steve Toussaint]] - Lord Corlys Velaryon * [[w:Eve Best|Eve Best]] - Princess Rhaenys Targaryen * [[w:Sonoya Mizuno|Sonoya Mizuno]] – Mysaria * [[w:Fabien Frankel|Fabien Frankel]] - Ser Criston Cole * [[w:Graham McTavish|Graham McTavish]] - Ser Harrold Westerling == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=11198330}} {{DEFAULTSORT:House of the Dragon, The}} [[Category:American fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:HBO shows]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:Game of Thrones]] 2bno403ugkk7udtq1khd2ralovzcw5e 3158065 3158064 2022-08-26T04:45:08Z Bicam3ralMind 2956799 /* [1.8] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:House of the Dragon|House of the Dragon]]''''' (2022–present) is an American fantasy drama airing on HBO about the events leading up to and surrounding the civil war known as the "Dance of the Dragons," which took place 200 years before the events of ''[[Game of Thrones]]''. == Season 1== === ''The Heirs of the Dragon'' [1.1] === :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen''': As the first century of the Targaryen dynasty came to a close, the health of the Old King, Jaehaerys, was failing. In those days, House Targaryen stood at the height of its strength, with ten adult dragons under its yoke. No power in the world could stand against it. King Jaehaerys reigned over nearly sixty years of peace and prosperity, but tragedy had claimed both his sons, leaving his succession in doubt. So, in the year 101, the Old King called a Great Council to choose an heir. Over a thousand lords made the journey to Harrenhal. Fourteen succession claims were heard, but only two were truly considered. Princess Rhaenys Targaryen, the King's eldest descendant, and her younger cousin, Prince Viserys Targaryen, the King's eldest ''male'' descendant. :<div align="justify">'''King Jaehaerys I Targaryen''': ''[flashback, the day of the Great Council]'' It is declared by all lords paramount and lords vassal of the Seven Kingdoms that Prince Viserys Targaryen be made Prince of Dragonstone. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen''': Rhaenys, a woman, would not inherit the Iron Throne. The lords instead chose Viserys, my father. Jaehaerys called the Great Council to prevent a war being fought over his succession. For he knew the cold truth. The only thing that could tear down the House of the Dragon was itself. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Queen Aemma Arryn''': You will lie in this bed soon enough, Rhaenyra. This discomfort is how we serve the realm. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen <small>(Young)</small>''': I'd rather serve as a knight and ride to battle and glory. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Aemma Arryn''': We have royal wombs, you and I. The childbed is our battlefield. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Ser Otto Hightower''': No one here can know what Daemon would do were he king but no one can doubt his ambition. Look at what he did with the gold cloaks. The City Watch is fiercely loyal to him. An army two thousand strong. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': An army ''you'' gave him, Otto. I named Daemon Master of Laws, but you said he was a tyrant. As Master of Coin, you said he was a spendthrift that would beggar the realm. Putting Daemon in command of the City Watch was your solution! :<div align="justify">'''Ser Otto Hightower''': A half-measure, Your Grace. The truth is, Daemon should be far away from this court. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Daemon is my brother. My blood. And he ''will'' have his place at my court. :<div align="justify">'''Grand Maester Mellos''': Let him keep his place at court, Your Grace, but if the gods should visit some further tragedy on you, either by design or accident... :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': ''Design''? What are you saying? My brother would murder me, take my crown? Are you? Please. Daemon has ambition, yes, but not for the throne. He lacks the patience for it. :<div align="justify">'''Ser Otto Hightower''': The gods have yet to make a man who lacks the patience for absolute power, Your Grace. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': ''[after Daemon confirms he toasted Baelon as "The Heir for a Day"]'' My family has just been destroyed. But instead of being by my side, or Rhaenyra's, you chose to celebrate your own rise! Laughing with your whοres and your lickspittles! You have no allies at court but me! I have only ever defended you! Yet everything I've given you, you've thrown back in my face. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': You've only ever tried to send me away. To the Vale, to the City Watch, anywhere but by your side. Ten years you've been king, and yet not once have you asked me to be your Hand! :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Why would I do that? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': Because I'm your brother. And the blood of the dragon runs thick. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Then why do you cut me so deeply? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': I've only ever spoken the truth. I see Otto Hightower for what he is. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': An unwavering and loyal Hand? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': A cunt. A second son who stands to inherit nothing he does not seize for himself. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Otto Hightower is a more honourable man than you could ever be. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': He doesn't protect you, I would! :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': From what? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': ''Yourself''. You're weak, Viserys, and that council of leeches knows it. They all prey on you for their own ends. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen <small>(Young)</small>''': Everyone says Targaryens are closer to gods than to men but they say that because of our dragons. Without them, we're just like everyone else. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': The idea that we control the dragons is an illusion. They're a power man should never have trifled with. One that brought Valyria its doom. If we don't mind our own histories, it will do the same to us. Targaryen must understand this to be King. Or Queen. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': There's something else that I need to tell you. It might be difficult for you to understand but you must hear it. Our histories... they tell us that Aegon looked across the Blackwater from Dragonstone and saw a rich land ripe for the capture. But ambition alone is not what drove him to conquest. It was a dream. And just as Daenys foresaw the end of Valyria, Aegon foresaw the end of the world of men. 'Tis to begin with a terrible winter gusting out of the distant north. Aegon saw absolute darkness riding on those winds. And whatever dwells within will destroy the world of the living. When this Great Winter comes, Rhaenyra, all of Westeros must stand against it. And if the world of men is to survive, a Targaryen must be seated on the Iron Throne. A king or queen strong enough to unite the realm against the cold and the dark. Aegon called his dream "The Song of Ice and Fire." This secret, it's been passed from king to heir since Aegon's time. Now you must promise to carry it and protect it. Promise me this, Rhaenyra. Promise me. === ''The Rogue Prince'' [1.2] === === ''Second of His Name'' [1.3] === === ''King of the Narrow Sea'' [1.4] === === ''We Light the Way'' [1.5] === === ''The Princess and the Queen'' [1.6] === === ''Driftmark'' [1.7] === === ''The Lord of the Tides'' [1.8] === === [1.9] === === [1.10] === == Cast == * [[w:Paddy Considine|Paddy Considine]] - King Viserys I Targaryen * [[Matt Smith (actor)|Matt Smith]] - Prince Daemon Targaryen * [[w:Emma D'Arcy|Emma D'Arcy]] - Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen * [[w:Rhys Ifans|Rhys Ifans]] - Ser Otto Hightower * [[w:Olivia Cooke|Olivia Cooke]] - Lady Alicent Hightower * [[w:Steve Toussaint|Steve Toussaint]] - Lord Corlys Velaryon * [[w:Eve Best|Eve Best]] - Princess Rhaenys Targaryen * [[w:Sonoya Mizuno|Sonoya Mizuno]] – Mysaria * [[w:Fabien Frankel|Fabien Frankel]] - Ser Criston Cole * [[w:Graham McTavish|Graham McTavish]] - Ser Harrold Westerling == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=11198330}} {{DEFAULTSORT:House of the Dragon, The}} [[Category:American fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:HBO shows]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:Game of Thrones]] 6cvdtklnuw7nkm82odb5kzl9ug2t3zm 3158066 3158065 2022-08-26T04:45:23Z Bicam3ralMind 2956799 /* [1.9] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:House of the Dragon|House of the Dragon]]''''' (2022–present) is an American fantasy drama airing on HBO about the events leading up to and surrounding the civil war known as the "Dance of the Dragons," which took place 200 years before the events of ''[[Game of Thrones]]''. == Season 1== === ''The Heirs of the Dragon'' [1.1] === :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen''': As the first century of the Targaryen dynasty came to a close, the health of the Old King, Jaehaerys, was failing. In those days, House Targaryen stood at the height of its strength, with ten adult dragons under its yoke. No power in the world could stand against it. King Jaehaerys reigned over nearly sixty years of peace and prosperity, but tragedy had claimed both his sons, leaving his succession in doubt. So, in the year 101, the Old King called a Great Council to choose an heir. Over a thousand lords made the journey to Harrenhal. Fourteen succession claims were heard, but only two were truly considered. Princess Rhaenys Targaryen, the King's eldest descendant, and her younger cousin, Prince Viserys Targaryen, the King's eldest ''male'' descendant. :<div align="justify">'''King Jaehaerys I Targaryen''': ''[flashback, the day of the Great Council]'' It is declared by all lords paramount and lords vassal of the Seven Kingdoms that Prince Viserys Targaryen be made Prince of Dragonstone. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen''': Rhaenys, a woman, would not inherit the Iron Throne. The lords instead chose Viserys, my father. Jaehaerys called the Great Council to prevent a war being fought over his succession. For he knew the cold truth. The only thing that could tear down the House of the Dragon was itself. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Queen Aemma Arryn''': You will lie in this bed soon enough, Rhaenyra. This discomfort is how we serve the realm. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen <small>(Young)</small>''': I'd rather serve as a knight and ride to battle and glory. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Aemma Arryn''': We have royal wombs, you and I. The childbed is our battlefield. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Ser Otto Hightower''': No one here can know what Daemon would do were he king but no one can doubt his ambition. Look at what he did with the gold cloaks. The City Watch is fiercely loyal to him. An army two thousand strong. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': An army ''you'' gave him, Otto. I named Daemon Master of Laws, but you said he was a tyrant. As Master of Coin, you said he was a spendthrift that would beggar the realm. Putting Daemon in command of the City Watch was your solution! :<div align="justify">'''Ser Otto Hightower''': A half-measure, Your Grace. The truth is, Daemon should be far away from this court. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Daemon is my brother. My blood. And he ''will'' have his place at my court. :<div align="justify">'''Grand Maester Mellos''': Let him keep his place at court, Your Grace, but if the gods should visit some further tragedy on you, either by design or accident... :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': ''Design''? What are you saying? My brother would murder me, take my crown? Are you? Please. Daemon has ambition, yes, but not for the throne. He lacks the patience for it. :<div align="justify">'''Ser Otto Hightower''': The gods have yet to make a man who lacks the patience for absolute power, Your Grace. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': ''[after Daemon confirms he toasted Baelon as "The Heir for a Day"]'' My family has just been destroyed. But instead of being by my side, or Rhaenyra's, you chose to celebrate your own rise! Laughing with your whοres and your lickspittles! You have no allies at court but me! I have only ever defended you! Yet everything I've given you, you've thrown back in my face. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': You've only ever tried to send me away. To the Vale, to the City Watch, anywhere but by your side. Ten years you've been king, and yet not once have you asked me to be your Hand! :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Why would I do that? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': Because I'm your brother. And the blood of the dragon runs thick. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Then why do you cut me so deeply? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': I've only ever spoken the truth. I see Otto Hightower for what he is. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': An unwavering and loyal Hand? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': A cunt. A second son who stands to inherit nothing he does not seize for himself. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Otto Hightower is a more honourable man than you could ever be. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': He doesn't protect you, I would! :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': From what? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': ''Yourself''. You're weak, Viserys, and that council of leeches knows it. They all prey on you for their own ends. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen <small>(Young)</small>''': Everyone says Targaryens are closer to gods than to men but they say that because of our dragons. Without them, we're just like everyone else. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': The idea that we control the dragons is an illusion. They're a power man should never have trifled with. One that brought Valyria its doom. If we don't mind our own histories, it will do the same to us. Targaryen must understand this to be King. Or Queen. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': There's something else that I need to tell you. It might be difficult for you to understand but you must hear it. Our histories... they tell us that Aegon looked across the Blackwater from Dragonstone and saw a rich land ripe for the capture. But ambition alone is not what drove him to conquest. It was a dream. And just as Daenys foresaw the end of Valyria, Aegon foresaw the end of the world of men. 'Tis to begin with a terrible winter gusting out of the distant north. Aegon saw absolute darkness riding on those winds. And whatever dwells within will destroy the world of the living. When this Great Winter comes, Rhaenyra, all of Westeros must stand against it. And if the world of men is to survive, a Targaryen must be seated on the Iron Throne. A king or queen strong enough to unite the realm against the cold and the dark. Aegon called his dream "The Song of Ice and Fire." This secret, it's been passed from king to heir since Aegon's time. Now you must promise to carry it and protect it. Promise me this, Rhaenyra. Promise me. === ''The Rogue Prince'' [1.2] === === ''Second of His Name'' [1.3] === === ''King of the Narrow Sea'' [1.4] === === ''We Light the Way'' [1.5] === === ''The Princess and the Queen'' [1.6] === === ''Driftmark'' [1.7] === === ''The Lord of the Tides'' [1.8] === === ''The Green Council'' [1.9] === === [1.10] === == Cast == * [[w:Paddy Considine|Paddy Considine]] - King Viserys I Targaryen * [[Matt Smith (actor)|Matt Smith]] - Prince Daemon Targaryen * [[w:Emma D'Arcy|Emma D'Arcy]] - Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen * [[w:Rhys Ifans|Rhys Ifans]] - Ser Otto Hightower * [[w:Olivia Cooke|Olivia Cooke]] - Lady Alicent Hightower * [[w:Steve Toussaint|Steve Toussaint]] - Lord Corlys Velaryon * [[w:Eve Best|Eve Best]] - Princess Rhaenys Targaryen * [[w:Sonoya Mizuno|Sonoya Mizuno]] – Mysaria * [[w:Fabien Frankel|Fabien Frankel]] - Ser Criston Cole * [[w:Graham McTavish|Graham McTavish]] - Ser Harrold Westerling == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=11198330}} {{DEFAULTSORT:House of the Dragon, The}} [[Category:American fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:HBO shows]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:Game of Thrones]] is93q4cwvkjptkoe65vlpmtpx5plixq 3158067 3158066 2022-08-26T04:45:38Z Bicam3ralMind 2956799 /* [1.10] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:House of the Dragon|House of the Dragon]]''''' (2022–present) is an American fantasy drama airing on HBO about the events leading up to and surrounding the civil war known as the "Dance of the Dragons," which took place 200 years before the events of ''[[Game of Thrones]]''. == Season 1== === ''The Heirs of the Dragon'' [1.1] === :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen''': As the first century of the Targaryen dynasty came to a close, the health of the Old King, Jaehaerys, was failing. In those days, House Targaryen stood at the height of its strength, with ten adult dragons under its yoke. No power in the world could stand against it. King Jaehaerys reigned over nearly sixty years of peace and prosperity, but tragedy had claimed both his sons, leaving his succession in doubt. So, in the year 101, the Old King called a Great Council to choose an heir. Over a thousand lords made the journey to Harrenhal. Fourteen succession claims were heard, but only two were truly considered. Princess Rhaenys Targaryen, the King's eldest descendant, and her younger cousin, Prince Viserys Targaryen, the King's eldest ''male'' descendant. :<div align="justify">'''King Jaehaerys I Targaryen''': ''[flashback, the day of the Great Council]'' It is declared by all lords paramount and lords vassal of the Seven Kingdoms that Prince Viserys Targaryen be made Prince of Dragonstone. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen''': Rhaenys, a woman, would not inherit the Iron Throne. The lords instead chose Viserys, my father. Jaehaerys called the Great Council to prevent a war being fought over his succession. For he knew the cold truth. The only thing that could tear down the House of the Dragon was itself. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Queen Aemma Arryn''': You will lie in this bed soon enough, Rhaenyra. This discomfort is how we serve the realm. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen <small>(Young)</small>''': I'd rather serve as a knight and ride to battle and glory. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Aemma Arryn''': We have royal wombs, you and I. The childbed is our battlefield. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Ser Otto Hightower''': No one here can know what Daemon would do were he king but no one can doubt his ambition. Look at what he did with the gold cloaks. The City Watch is fiercely loyal to him. An army two thousand strong. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': An army ''you'' gave him, Otto. I named Daemon Master of Laws, but you said he was a tyrant. As Master of Coin, you said he was a spendthrift that would beggar the realm. Putting Daemon in command of the City Watch was your solution! :<div align="justify">'''Ser Otto Hightower''': A half-measure, Your Grace. The truth is, Daemon should be far away from this court. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Daemon is my brother. My blood. And he ''will'' have his place at my court. :<div align="justify">'''Grand Maester Mellos''': Let him keep his place at court, Your Grace, but if the gods should visit some further tragedy on you, either by design or accident... :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': ''Design''? What are you saying? My brother would murder me, take my crown? Are you? Please. Daemon has ambition, yes, but not for the throne. He lacks the patience for it. :<div align="justify">'''Ser Otto Hightower''': The gods have yet to make a man who lacks the patience for absolute power, Your Grace. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': ''[after Daemon confirms he toasted Baelon as "The Heir for a Day"]'' My family has just been destroyed. But instead of being by my side, or Rhaenyra's, you chose to celebrate your own rise! Laughing with your whοres and your lickspittles! You have no allies at court but me! I have only ever defended you! Yet everything I've given you, you've thrown back in my face. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': You've only ever tried to send me away. To the Vale, to the City Watch, anywhere but by your side. Ten years you've been king, and yet not once have you asked me to be your Hand! :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Why would I do that? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': Because I'm your brother. And the blood of the dragon runs thick. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Then why do you cut me so deeply? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': I've only ever spoken the truth. I see Otto Hightower for what he is. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': An unwavering and loyal Hand? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': A cunt. A second son who stands to inherit nothing he does not seize for himself. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Otto Hightower is a more honourable man than you could ever be. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': He doesn't protect you, I would! :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': From what? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': ''Yourself''. You're weak, Viserys, and that council of leeches knows it. They all prey on you for their own ends. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen <small>(Young)</small>''': Everyone says Targaryens are closer to gods than to men but they say that because of our dragons. Without them, we're just like everyone else. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': The idea that we control the dragons is an illusion. They're a power man should never have trifled with. One that brought Valyria its doom. If we don't mind our own histories, it will do the same to us. Targaryen must understand this to be King. Or Queen. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': There's something else that I need to tell you. It might be difficult for you to understand but you must hear it. Our histories... they tell us that Aegon looked across the Blackwater from Dragonstone and saw a rich land ripe for the capture. But ambition alone is not what drove him to conquest. It was a dream. And just as Daenys foresaw the end of Valyria, Aegon foresaw the end of the world of men. 'Tis to begin with a terrible winter gusting out of the distant north. Aegon saw absolute darkness riding on those winds. And whatever dwells within will destroy the world of the living. When this Great Winter comes, Rhaenyra, all of Westeros must stand against it. And if the world of men is to survive, a Targaryen must be seated on the Iron Throne. A king or queen strong enough to unite the realm against the cold and the dark. Aegon called his dream "The Song of Ice and Fire." This secret, it's been passed from king to heir since Aegon's time. Now you must promise to carry it and protect it. Promise me this, Rhaenyra. Promise me. === ''The Rogue Prince'' [1.2] === === ''Second of His Name'' [1.3] === === ''King of the Narrow Sea'' [1.4] === === ''We Light the Way'' [1.5] === === ''The Princess and the Queen'' [1.6] === === ''Driftmark'' [1.7] === === ''The Lord of the Tides'' [1.8] === === ''The Green Council'' [1.9] === === ''The Black Queen'' [1.10] === == Cast == * [[w:Paddy Considine|Paddy Considine]] - King Viserys I Targaryen * [[Matt Smith (actor)|Matt Smith]] - Prince Daemon Targaryen * [[w:Emma D'Arcy|Emma D'Arcy]] - Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen * [[w:Rhys Ifans|Rhys Ifans]] - Ser Otto Hightower * [[w:Olivia Cooke|Olivia Cooke]] - Lady Alicent Hightower * [[w:Steve Toussaint|Steve Toussaint]] - Lord Corlys Velaryon * [[w:Eve Best|Eve Best]] - Princess Rhaenys Targaryen * [[w:Sonoya Mizuno|Sonoya Mizuno]] – Mysaria * [[w:Fabien Frankel|Fabien Frankel]] - Ser Criston Cole * [[w:Graham McTavish|Graham McTavish]] - Ser Harrold Westerling == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=11198330}} {{DEFAULTSORT:House of the Dragon, The}} [[Category:American fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:HBO shows]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:Game of Thrones]] 25dbe6263tzjgaqpk54yl978wsqwiij 3158068 3158067 2022-08-26T04:55:07Z Bicam3ralMind 2956799 /* The Heirs of the Dragon [1.1] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:House of the Dragon|House of the Dragon]]''''' (2022–present) is an American fantasy drama airing on HBO about the events leading up to and surrounding the civil war known as the "Dance of the Dragons," which took place 200 years before the events of ''[[Game of Thrones]]''. == Season 1== === ''The Heirs of the Dragon'' [1.1] === :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen''': As the first century of the Targaryen dynasty came to a close, the health of the Old King, Jaehaerys, was failing. In those days, House Targaryen stood at the height of its strength, with ten adult dragons under its yoke. No power in the world could stand against it. King Jaehaerys reigned over nearly sixty years of peace and prosperity, but tragedy had claimed both his sons, leaving his succession in doubt. So, in the year 101, the Old King called a Great Council to choose an heir. Over a thousand lords made the journey to Harrenhal. Fourteen succession claims were heard, but only two were truly considered. Princess Rhaenys Targaryen, the King's eldest descendant, and her younger cousin, Prince Viserys Targaryen, the King's eldest ''male'' descendant. :<div align="justify">'''King Jaehaerys I Targaryen''': ''[flashback, the day of the Great Council]'' It is declared by all lords paramount and lords vassal of the Seven Kingdoms that Prince Viserys Targaryen be made Prince of Dragonstone. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen''': Rhaenys, a woman, would not inherit the Iron Throne. The lords instead chose Viserys, my father. Jaehaerys called the Great Council to prevent a war being fought over his succession. For he knew the cold truth. The only thing that could tear down the House of the Dragon was itself. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Queen Aemma Arryn''': You will lie in this bed soon enough, Rhaenyra. This discomfort is how we serve the realm. :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen <small>(Young)</small>''': I'd rather serve as a knight and ride to battle and glory. :<div align="justify">'''Queen Aemma Arryn''': We have royal wombs, you and I. The childbed is our battlefield. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Ser Otto Hightower''': No one here can know what Daemon would do were he king but no one can doubt his ambition. Look at what he did with the gold cloaks. The City Watch is fiercely loyal to him. An army two thousand strong. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': An army ''you'' gave him, Otto. I named Daemon Master of Laws, but you said he was a tyrant. As Master of Coin, you said he was a spendthrift that would beggar the realm. Putting Daemon in command of the City Watch was your solution! :<div align="justify">'''Ser Otto Hightower''': A half-measure, Your Grace. The truth is, Daemon should be far away from this court. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Daemon is my brother. My blood. And he ''will'' have his place at my court. :<div align="justify">'''Grand Maester Mellos''': Let him keep his place at court, Your Grace, but if the gods should visit some further tragedy on you, either by design or accident... :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': ''Design''? What are you saying? My brother would murder me, take my crown? Are you? Please. Daemon has ambition, yes, but not for the throne. He lacks the patience for it. :<div align="justify">'''Ser Otto Hightower''': The gods have yet to make a man who lacks the patience for absolute power, Your Grace. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': ''[after Daemon confirms he toasted Baelon as "The Heir for a Day"]'' My family has just been destroyed. But instead of being by my side, or Rhaenyra's, you chose to celebrate your own rise! Laughing with your whοres and your lickspittles! You have no allies at court but me! I have only ever defended you! Yet everything I've given you, you've thrown back in my face. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': You've only ever tried to send me away. To the Vale, to the City Watch, anywhere but by your side. Ten years you've been king, and yet not once have you asked me to be your Hand! :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Why would I do that? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': Because I'm your brother. And the blood of the dragon runs thick. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Then why do you cut me so deeply? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': I've only ever spoken the truth. I see Otto Hightower for what he is. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': An unwavering and loyal Hand? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': A cunt. A second son who stands to inherit nothing he does not seize for himself. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': Otto Hightower is a more honourable man than you could ever be. :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': He doesn't protect you, I would! :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': From what? :<div align="justify">'''Prince Daemon Targaryen''': ''Yourself''. You're weak, Viserys, and that council of leeches knows it. They all prey on you for their own ends. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen <small>(Young)</small>''': Everyone says Targaryens are closer to gods than to men but they say that because of our dragons. Without them, we're just like everyone else. :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': The idea that we control the dragons is an illusion. They're a power man should never have trifled with. One that brought Valyria its doom. If we don't mind our own histories, it will do the same to us. Targaryen must understand this to be King. Or Queen. <hr width="50%"/> :<div align="justify">'''King Viserys I Targaryen''': There's something else that I need to tell you. It might be difficult for you to understand but you must hear it. Our histories... They tell us that Aegon looked across the Blackwater from Dragonstone and saw a rich land ripe for the capture. But ambition alone is not what drove him to conquest. It was a dream. And just as Daenys foresaw the end of Valyria, Aegon foresaw the end of the world of men. 'Tis to begin with a terrible winter gusting out of the distant north. Aegon saw absolute darkness riding on those winds. And whatever dwells within will destroy the world of the living. When this Great Winter comes, Rhaenyra, all of Westeros must stand against it. And if the world of men is to survive, a Targaryen must be seated on the Iron Throne. A king or queen strong enough to unite the realm against the cold and the dark. Aegon called his dream "The Song of Ice and Fire." This secret, it's been passed from king to heir since Aegon's time. Now you must promise to carry it and protect it. Promise me this, Rhaenyra. Promise me. === ''The Rogue Prince'' [1.2] === === ''Second of His Name'' [1.3] === === ''King of the Narrow Sea'' [1.4] === === ''We Light the Way'' [1.5] === === ''The Princess and the Queen'' [1.6] === === ''Driftmark'' [1.7] === === ''The Lord of the Tides'' [1.8] === === ''The Green Council'' [1.9] === === ''The Black Queen'' [1.10] === == Cast == * [[w:Paddy Considine|Paddy Considine]] - King Viserys I Targaryen * [[Matt Smith (actor)|Matt Smith]] - Prince Daemon Targaryen * [[w:Emma D'Arcy|Emma D'Arcy]] - Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen * [[w:Rhys Ifans|Rhys Ifans]] - Ser Otto Hightower * [[w:Olivia Cooke|Olivia Cooke]] - Lady Alicent Hightower * [[w:Steve Toussaint|Steve Toussaint]] - Lord Corlys Velaryon * [[w:Eve Best|Eve Best]] - Princess Rhaenys Targaryen * [[w:Sonoya Mizuno|Sonoya Mizuno]] – Mysaria * [[w:Fabien Frankel|Fabien Frankel]] - Ser Criston Cole * [[w:Graham McTavish|Graham McTavish]] - Ser Harrold Westerling == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=11198330}} {{DEFAULTSORT:House of the Dragon, The}} [[Category:American fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:HBO shows]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:Game of Thrones]] o7m40e0yygimkdzvb9099cbs8jxh1ho 0 250204 3157934 3157568 2022-08-25T20:51:34Z Coningsby 10755 /* Quotes */ Kume Kunitake and Nitobe Inazō wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Shinto|Shinto]]''' ([[Japanese language|Japanese]]: 神道) or '''Shintoism''', is a [[religion]] that originated in [[Japan]]. Classified as an [[w:East Asian religions|East Asian religion]] by [[Religious studies|scholars of religion]], its practitioners often regard it as Japan's [[w:Indigenous religion|indigenous religion]] and as a [[nature religion]]. __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha}} ==Quotes== ===A=== *The chief ideas underlying Japanese myth are, firstly, the conception—piecemeal it is true, and inadequate—of the so-called inanimate universe as being really instinct with sentient life, and exercising a loving providential care over mankind; and secondly, the doctrine that honour and obedience are due to the sovereign whose beneficent rule secures to the people blessings comparable to that of the sun's light and warmth. For such, I take it, is the real meaning of the story by which the [[w:Emperor of Japan|Mikados]] are feigned to be descendants of the [[w:Amaterasu|Sun-Goddess]]. It is the Japanese version of the doctrine of the [[divine right of kings]]. Without these and similar vital elements Japanese myth would be nothing more than what some writers have supposed it, a farrago of absurdities, and its examination would belong not to the physiology, but to the pathology of the human mind. **[[w:William George Aston|William George Aston]], ''Shinto (The Way of the Gods)'' (1905), p. 82 ===H=== *There are ten or a dozen good definitions of Shintō in existence, all varying more or less according to the individual viewpoints of those attempting the elucidation. For example: Shintō is the [[w:Indigenous religion|indigenous religion]] of the Japanese people; it is the Way of the Gods; it is "''[[w:Kami|kami]]''-cult," a form of definition in which ''kami'' signifies the [[w:List of Japanese deities|deities of Japan]] as distinct from those brought into the country through foreign contacts; it is [[w:Panpsychism|pan-psychism]] or [[w:Hylozoism|hylozoism]]; it is the racial spirit of the Japanese people (''[[w:Yamato-damashii|Yamato Damashii]]''); it is the sacred ceremonies conducted before the ''kami''; it is the essence of the principles of imperial rule; it is a system of correct social and political etiquette; it is the ideal national morality; it is a system of [[patriotism]] and loyalty centering in emperor worship (“[[w:Mikadoism|Mikadoism]]”); it is, in its pure and original form, a [[w:Nature worship|nature worship]]; or, over against this, Shintō, correctly understood, is [[w:Ancestor worship|ancestor worship]]; or, again, it is an intermixture of the worship of nature and of ancestors; and, lastly, it is, in its earliest stages, a lower [[w:Nature religion|nature religion]] in which are merged elements of [[w:Animism|animism]], naturism, and anthropolatry, evolving later into an advanced form of nature religion, and, finally, under the influence of [[Buddhism]] and [[Confucianism]], achieving speculative and ethical components of a high order. **[[w:D. C. Holtom|D. C. Holtom]], ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), pp. 5-6 *It was the indigenous religion of the ancient Japanese people and, as such, potent to foster and preserve convictions of racial uniqueness and destiny. It possessed an ancient and independent literature and ritual. It was fed by deep undercurrents of tradition and folklore welling up from the unconscious depths of the national life. At its core was an [[w:Ancestralism|ancestralism]] centering in a faith in the divine descent—and concomitantly the inalienable rights of suzerainty—of the [[w:Imperial House of Japan|Imperial Family]]. Shintō was manifestly indispensable to the unification of the disorganised country. **[[w:D. C. Holtom|D. C. Holtom]], ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), p. 54 ===K=== *Shintō, or Kamu-nagara, is a Way of Nature. This does not mean that it is a primitive and inferior nature worship. It means that Shintō is a spontaneous and real manifestation of the true nature of things, taking form in human affairs in proportion as this nature is given opportunity for sincere and unperverted expression. Thus, Shintō can be explained from the standpoint of the true, the good and the beautiful. **Kazusaku Kanzaki, ''Shintō Honkyoku no Kyōri'' ("The Doctrine of Shintō Honkyoku"), ''Uchü'' ("The Universe"), (January 1930), quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), p. 192 *The Truth of Shintō is to be seen in the inevitability of its underlying doctrine. This is apparent on consideration of the real significance of the great deities introduced in the oldest Yamato literature. [[w:Ame-no-Minakanushi|Ame-no-Minaka-Nushi-no-Kami]] (‘‘The Deity Who is Lord of the Center of Heaven’’), the first god named in the ''[[w:Kojiki|Kojiki]]'' is correctly understood as the central existence of the universe, the primary source of all things, both animate and inert. All the phenomena presented to human senses are the manifestations in time of this absolute god. The Absolute functions in time in the form of the two-fold creation ''[[w:Kami|kami]]'', [[w:Takamimusubi|Taka-Mimusubi-no-Kami]] and [[w:Kamimusubi|Kami-Musubi-no-Kami]]. These two beings represent activities of opposite kinds, from which the phenomenal world has had its rise. This positive-negative, or male-female, potency appears in Japanese history as the great father and mother of the race, [[w:Izanagi|Izanagi]] and [[w:Izanami|Izanami]], from whom is born the Sun Goddess, [[w:Amaterasu|Amaterasu-Ōmikami]], who in turn is the progenetrix of the [[w:Imperial House of Japan|Imperial Family]] and the [[w:Japanese people|Japanese people]]. Amaterasu-Ōmikami, in her position among the historical personages of Japan, is like the sun in heaven about which the planetary bodies revolve. The aptness of this solar metaphor accounts for the sun imagery of the early mythology. The statements just made point to undeniable facts in Japanese history. This is not a matter of mere chance or coincidence, but is so by inner necessity. This is the Truth of the Way of the Gods. **Kazusaku Kanzaki, ''Shintō Honkyoku no Kyōri'' ("The Doctrine of Shintō Honkyoku"), ''Uchü'' ("The Universe"), (January 1930), quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), pp. 192-193 *Another distinguishing characteristic of Shintō lies in what may be called its corporateness. In many other religions men as individuals are set over against the gods. In Shintō we are merged with our fellowmen about us and with the unseen host of ancestors that have gone before us and, as a great spiritual body, united with the divine. We are made of one line with the ''kami'' through our ancestors. We are united, divine and human, past and present, into a totality of warp and woof, interpenetrated and coherent... There are three things that are inseparable: our race which is our ancestral inheritance, our country which is our racial home and our faith wherewith our loyalties are sustained. This is the true Way of the Gods. **Kazusaku Kanzaki, ''Shintō Honkyoku no Kyōri'' ("The Doctrine of Shintō Honkyoku"), ''Uchü'' ("The Universe"), (January 1930), quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), pp. 193-194 *Shintō has been called the Wordless Way. This means that practice is more important than mere words, that the hand is mightier than the mouth, that deeds are weightier than rhetoric, that actualities are the greatest of arguments. This practical tendency reflects an inborn aptitude of the Japanese people. The finest expression of this passion for reality is in the patriotism with which we guard and promote the welfare of our country—a patriotism which, on the one hand, is centralized in devotion to our Imperial Family and which exalts our race and supports our homes and our magnificent national organization, on the other. All this is not a formal achievement, theoretically fostered with words, but is the natural registration of our racial characteristics, manifested in all its purity in the past, handed on unimpaired through our ancestors and maintained without flaw in the present. This is true Shintō. **Kazusaku Kanzaki, ''Shintō Honkyoku no Kyōri'' ("The Doctrine of Shintō Honkyoku"), ''Uchü'' ("The Universe"), (January 1930), quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), pp. 194-195 *He [The Emperor] is regarded as a living ''kami'', loved and revered by the nation above all things on earth, and himself loving and protecting the nation, who are deemed sons of ''Kami Nagara'' and are entrusted to his care by the ''kami''. This mutual understanding obtains between every individual Japanese and the Emperor. The Sovereign studies our needs and feels our sorrows. What more have we, then, to ask from the ''kami'' directly? Thus ''Shintō'' (doctrine of the ''kami'') is ''kundō'' (doctrine of the Emperor), for ''Shintōism'' is ''Mikadoism''; "the ''kami'''s will is the Emperor's will" is a maxim inscribed on the heart of every Japanese. Herein one may see the fountain-head of our patriotic spirit, whose marvellous activity has served to raise Japan in these fifty years to the level of the first-rate Powers of the world. **[[w:Kume Kunitake|Kume Kunitake]], ‘Japanese Religious Beliefs: ''Shintō''—the ''Kami''’, quoted in ''Fifty Years of New Japan (Kaikoku Gojūnen Shi), Volume II'', compiled by Count Shigénobu Ōkuma, edited by Marcus B. Huish (1909), p. 30 ===L=== *Shintō, as is well known, is a combination by the Japanese of the worship of nature and of their own ancestors. But the character of the combination is ethnologically instructive. For a lack of psychic development has made of these seemingly diverse elements a homegeneous whole. Both, of course, are aboriginal instincts. Next to the fear of natural phenomena, in point of primitiveness, comes the fear of one's father; as children and savages show. But races, like individuals, tend to outgrow it as they develop. Now the suggestive thing about the Japanese people is that this passing phase of religion has been perpetuated. The Japanese have stayed boys. Filial respect continued, and, by very virtue of not becoming less, became more, till it filled not only the whole sphere of morals but expanded into the sphere of cosmogony. To the Japanese eye the universe itself took on the paternal look. Parental awe which these people under stood lent explanation to natural dread which they did not. Quite simply to their minds the thunder and the wind, the sunshine and the shower were the work not only of anthropomorphic beings but of beings ancestrally related to themselves. In short Shintō, their explanation of things in general, is nothing else than the patriarchal principle projected without perspective into the past, dilating with distance into deity. **[[w:Percival Lowell|Percival Lowell]], 'Esoteric Shintō', ''Transactions of the Asiatic Society of Japan'', Vol. XXI (1893), pp. 106-107 ===N=== *A "Naturefolk" learns by intimate contact with nature that there is a healing power in the flower and the grass, in the mountains and streams, in the rain and the clouds. He comes to see gods working in these phenomena, and if they are of divine origi do they not contain goodly qualities? Why seek afar for the divine? It is even in the objects around you. They are good and just. Why seek elsewhere for justice and goodness? So, to live a natural life is to be just and good. There is no evil in nature. What seems to be evil is the tipping of the balance scale. Evil is immoderation. All natural appetites are good and they become evil only when indulged in to excess. This is Shinto, the Way of the Gods, naïve primitive teaching aboriginal to the soil of Japan. **[[w:Nitobe Inazō|Nitobe Inazō]], ''Lectures on Japan: An Outline of the Development of the Japanese People and Their Culture'' (1938), p. 115 ===Y=== *Students of this religion have been struck with the simplicity of its doctrine. It enforces no especial moral code, embraces no philosophical ideas, and, moreover, it has no authoritative books to guide believers. Its one peculiar feature is the relation it holds towards the [[w:Imperial House of Japan|Imperial Family of Japan]], whose ancestors are made the chief object of worship. This religion, if indeed it can rightly be called a religion at all, amounts to ancestor-worship—the apotheosis of the Japanese Imperial Family. This fact naturally brings about two results: one is that Shintō can never be propagated beyond the realms of the [[w:Emperor of Japan|Japanese Emperor]]; the other, that it has helped to a very great extent the growth of the spirit of loyalty of Japanese subjects toward their head, and has enshrined the Imperial Family with such a degree of sacredness and reverence that it would be difficult to name another ruling family which is looked up to by its subjects with the same amount of loyal homage and submissive veneration. It is, indeed, a unique circumstance in the history of the nations that, during the two thousand five hundred years of its sway, the position of the Japanese Imperial Family as head of the whole nation has never once been disputed, nor even questioned, by the people. Of course, it is true that the dynasty has experienced many vicissitudes, but, although the actual government has at times been in the hands of powerful nobles and [[w:Shogun|Shoguns]], the throne has, nevertheless, been always kept sacred for the descendants of [[w:Emperor Jimmu|Jimmu]], the first Emperor. **Yoshitarō Yamashita, "The Influence of Shintō and Buddhism in Japan", ''Transactions and Proceedings of the Japan Society of London'', Vol. IV (1897), p. 257, quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), pp. 4-5 ==External links== {{Similarlinks}} [[Category:Pantheism]] [[Category:Polytheism]] mkkfhrsu6awhq4st53byjkwyiwfu03b 3157949 3157934 2022-08-25T21:34:19Z Coningsby 10755 /* Quotes */ Genchi Katō, Hirata Atsutane and Kan Kikuchi wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Shinto|Shinto]]''' ([[Japanese language|Japanese]]: 神道) or '''Shintoism''', is a [[religion]] that originated in [[Japan]]. Classified as an [[w:East Asian religions|East Asian religion]] by [[Religious studies|scholars of religion]], its practitioners often regard it as Japan's [[w:Indigenous religion|indigenous religion]] and as a [[nature religion]]. __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha}} ==Quotes== ===A=== *The chief ideas underlying Japanese myth are, firstly, the conception—piecemeal it is true, and inadequate—of the so-called inanimate universe as being really instinct with sentient life, and exercising a loving providential care over mankind; and secondly, the doctrine that honour and obedience are due to the sovereign whose beneficent rule secures to the people blessings comparable to that of the sun's light and warmth. For such, I take it, is the real meaning of the story by which the [[w:Emperor of Japan|Mikados]] are feigned to be descendants of the [[w:Amaterasu|Sun-Goddess]]. It is the Japanese version of the doctrine of the [[divine right of kings]]. Without these and similar vital elements Japanese myth would be nothing more than what some writers have supposed it, a farrago of absurdities, and its examination would belong not to the physiology, but to the pathology of the human mind. **[[w:William George Aston|William George Aston]], ''Shinto (The Way of the Gods)'' (1905), p. 82 ===G=== *Shintō, as a the anthropic religion, has culminated in [[w:Mikadoism|Mikadoism]] or the Worship of the Mikado or Japanese Emperor, as a divinity, during his lifetime as well as after his death, even in the ethical stage of its religious development... Herein lies even at the present day, in my opinion, the essence or life of Shintō, inseparably connected with the national ideals of the Japanese people. Japanese patriotism or loyalty, as you might call it, really is not simple patriotism or mere loyalty, as understood in the ordinary sense of the word, ''i.e.'', in the mere ethical sense of the term, it is more—it is the lofty self-denying enthusiastic sentiment of the Japanese people towards their august Ruler, believed to be something divine, rendering them capable of offering up anything and everything, all dearest to them, willingly, ''i.e.'', of their own free will; of sacrificing not only their wealth or property, but their own life itself, for the sake of their divinely gracious Sovereign... all this is nothing but the actual manifestation of the religious consciousness of the Japanese people. This sentiment is truly characteristic of Shintō as a religion. **Genchi Katō, ''A Study of Shintō: The Religion of the Japanese Nation'' (1926), pp. 206-207 *Thus, we see that the essence or life of Shintō is even today expressed in the peculiar religious patriotism of the Japanese people glorifying their Emperor as the centre of faith. So we venture to ''define'' Shintō, whose vital essence has never been languished, but is, on the contrary, strongly and ceaselessly active in the heart and mind of the Japanese people, as follows:—<br>''The vital essence of Shintō manifests itself as an expression of the unique spirit of the national service of the Japanese people, which is not only mere morality but is their religion, culminating in Mikadoism or their own peculiar form of loyalty or patriotism towards the Emperor, who at once political head and religious leader in a government constitutional yet theocraticopatriarchal.'' **Genchi Katō, ''A Study of Shintō: The Religion of the Japanese Nation'' (1926), pp. 207-208 ===H=== *We [i.e., the members of the Japanese race] who have been brought into existence through the creative spirits of the sacred ancestral ''[[w:Kami|kami]]'' are, each and every one, in spontaneous possession of the Way of the Gods. This means that we are equipped by nature with the virtues of reverence for the gods, for rulers and parents, with kindness toward wife and children, with the moral qualities which in [[Confucianism]] are called the five great ethical relationships (''gorin'') [i.e., those of ruler and subjects, parent and child, husband and wife, older and younger brothers, and friend with friend] and also with the five virtues (''gojō'') [i.e., benevolence, justice, propriety, wisdom, and faith], and to follow this nature just as it is, without bending or turning aside, is to conform to the teaching of the ''kami''. **[[w:Hirata Atsutane|Hirata Atsutane]], ''Zoku Shindō Taii'' ("The Great Principles of Shintō"); text in ''Shintō Daijiten'' ("The Shinto Encyclopaedia"), I (1937), p. 399 *There are ten or a dozen good definitions of Shintō in existence, all varying more or less according to the individual viewpoints of those attempting the elucidation. For example: Shintō is the [[w:Indigenous religion|indigenous religion]] of the Japanese people; it is the Way of the Gods; it is "''[[w:Kami|kami]]''-cult," a form of definition in which ''kami'' signifies the [[w:List of Japanese deities|deities of Japan]] as distinct from those brought into the country through foreign contacts; it is [[w:Panpsychism|pan-psychism]] or [[w:Hylozoism|hylozoism]]; it is the racial spirit of the Japanese people (''[[w:Yamato-damashii|Yamato Damashii]]''); it is the sacred ceremonies conducted before the ''kami''; it is the essence of the principles of imperial rule; it is a system of correct social and political etiquette; it is the ideal national morality; it is a system of [[patriotism]] and loyalty centering in emperor worship (“[[w:Mikadoism|Mikadoism]]”); it is, in its pure and original form, a [[w:Nature worship|nature worship]]; or, over against this, Shintō, correctly understood, is [[w:Ancestor worship|ancestor worship]]; or, again, it is an intermixture of the worship of nature and of ancestors; and, lastly, it is, in its earliest stages, a lower [[w:Nature religion|nature religion]] in which are merged elements of [[w:Animism|animism]], naturism, and anthropolatry, evolving later into an advanced form of nature religion, and, finally, under the influence of [[Buddhism]] and [[Confucianism]], achieving speculative and ethical components of a high order. **[[w:D. C. Holtom|D. C. Holtom]], ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), pp. 5-6 *It was the indigenous religion of the ancient Japanese people and, as such, potent to foster and preserve convictions of racial uniqueness and destiny. It possessed an ancient and independent literature and ritual. It was fed by deep undercurrents of tradition and folklore welling up from the unconscious depths of the national life. At its core was an [[w:Ancestralism|ancestralism]] centering in a faith in the divine descent—and concomitantly the inalienable rights of suzerainty—of the [[w:Imperial House of Japan|Imperial Family]]. Shintō was manifestly indispensable to the unification of the disorganised country. **[[w:D. C. Holtom|D. C. Holtom]], ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), p. 54 ===K=== *Shintō, or Kamu-nagara, is a Way of Nature. This does not mean that it is a primitive and inferior nature worship. It means that Shintō is a spontaneous and real manifestation of the true nature of things, taking form in human affairs in proportion as this nature is given opportunity for sincere and unperverted expression. Thus, Shintō can be explained from the standpoint of the true, the good and the beautiful. **Kazusaku Kanzaki, ''Shintō Honkyoku no Kyōri'' ("The Doctrine of Shintō Honkyoku"), ''Uchü'' ("The Universe"), (January 1930), quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), p. 192 *The Truth of Shintō is to be seen in the inevitability of its underlying doctrine. This is apparent on consideration of the real significance of the great deities introduced in the oldest Yamato literature. [[w:Ame-no-Minakanushi|Ame-no-Minaka-Nushi-no-Kami]] (‘‘The Deity Who is Lord of the Center of Heaven’’), the first god named in the ''[[w:Kojiki|Kojiki]]'' is correctly understood as the central existence of the universe, the primary source of all things, both animate and inert. All the phenomena presented to human senses are the manifestations in time of this absolute god. The Absolute functions in time in the form of the two-fold creation ''[[w:Kami|kami]]'', [[w:Takamimusubi|Taka-Mimusubi-no-Kami]] and [[w:Kamimusubi|Kami-Musubi-no-Kami]]. These two beings represent activities of opposite kinds, from which the phenomenal world has had its rise. This positive-negative, or male-female, potency appears in Japanese history as the great father and mother of the race, [[w:Izanagi|Izanagi]] and [[w:Izanami|Izanami]], from whom is born the Sun Goddess, [[w:Amaterasu|Amaterasu-Ōmikami]], who in turn is the progenetrix of the [[w:Imperial House of Japan|Imperial Family]] and the [[w:Japanese people|Japanese people]]. Amaterasu-Ōmikami, in her position among the historical personages of Japan, is like the sun in heaven about which the planetary bodies revolve. The aptness of this solar metaphor accounts for the sun imagery of the early mythology. The statements just made point to undeniable facts in Japanese history. This is not a matter of mere chance or coincidence, but is so by inner necessity. This is the Truth of the Way of the Gods. **Kazusaku Kanzaki, ''Shintō Honkyoku no Kyōri'' ("The Doctrine of Shintō Honkyoku"), ''Uchü'' ("The Universe"), (January 1930), quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), pp. 192-193 *Another distinguishing characteristic of Shintō lies in what may be called its corporateness. In many other religions men as individuals are set over against the gods. In Shintō we are merged with our fellowmen about us and with the unseen host of ancestors that have gone before us and, as a great spiritual body, united with the divine. We are made of one line with the ''kami'' through our ancestors. We are united, divine and human, past and present, into a totality of warp and woof, interpenetrated and coherent... There are three things that are inseparable: our race which is our ancestral inheritance, our country which is our racial home and our faith wherewith our loyalties are sustained. This is the true Way of the Gods. **Kazusaku Kanzaki, ''Shintō Honkyoku no Kyōri'' ("The Doctrine of Shintō Honkyoku"), ''Uchü'' ("The Universe"), (January 1930), quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), pp. 193-194 *Shintō has been called the Wordless Way. This means that practice is more important than mere words, that the hand is mightier than the mouth, that deeds are weightier than rhetoric, that actualities are the greatest of arguments. This practical tendency reflects an inborn aptitude of the Japanese people. The finest expression of this passion for reality is in the patriotism with which we guard and promote the welfare of our country—a patriotism which, on the one hand, is centralized in devotion to our Imperial Family and which exalts our race and supports our homes and our magnificent national organization, on the other. All this is not a formal achievement, theoretically fostered with words, but is the natural registration of our racial characteristics, manifested in all its purity in the past, handed on unimpaired through our ancestors and maintained without flaw in the present. This is true Shintō. **Kazusaku Kanzaki, ''Shintō Honkyoku no Kyōri'' ("The Doctrine of Shintō Honkyoku"), ''Uchü'' ("The Universe"), (January 1930), quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), pp. 194-195 *Our Japanese race thus passed through a great testing in the time of [[w:Emperor Jimmu|Jimmu Tennō]]. Thereby were fostered a spiritual stability that never yields no matter what the hardships, a strong racial capacity for unification, and a reverential and worshipful faith in the Emperor, exalted to a religious character. These have come down through two thousand six hundred years as the very core of the Japanese national spirit. **[[w:Kan Kikuchi|Kan Kikuchi]], 'Nisen Roppyaku Nen Shishō ("Aspects of Two Thousand Six HundredYears of Japanese History"), ''Shūhō'' ("Weekly Gazette") (7 February 1940), p. 46, quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''Modern Japan and Shinto Nationalism: A Study of Present-Day Trends in Japanese Religions'' (1943; rev. edn., 1947), p. 13 *He [The Emperor] is regarded as a living ''kami'', loved and revered by the nation above all things on earth, and himself loving and protecting the nation, who are deemed sons of ''Kami Nagara'' and are entrusted to his care by the ''kami''. This mutual understanding obtains between every individual Japanese and the Emperor. The Sovereign studies our needs and feels our sorrows. What more have we, then, to ask from the ''kami'' directly? Thus ''Shintō'' (doctrine of the ''kami'') is ''kundō'' (doctrine of the Emperor), for ''Shintōism'' is ''Mikadoism''; "the ''kami'''s will is the Emperor's will" is a maxim inscribed on the heart of every Japanese. Herein one may see the fountain-head of our patriotic spirit, whose marvellous activity has served to raise Japan in these fifty years to the level of the first-rate Powers of the world. **[[w:Kume Kunitake|Kume Kunitake]], ‘Japanese Religious Beliefs: ''Shintō''—the ''Kami''’, quoted in ''Fifty Years of New Japan (Kaikoku Gojūnen Shi), Volume II'', compiled by Count Shigénobu Ōkuma, edited by Marcus B. Huish (1909), p. 30 ===L=== *Shintō, as is well known, is a combination by the Japanese of the worship of nature and of their own ancestors. But the character of the combination is ethnologically instructive. For a lack of psychic development has made of these seemingly diverse elements a homegeneous whole. Both, of course, are aboriginal instincts. Next to the fear of natural phenomena, in point of primitiveness, comes the fear of one's father; as children and savages show. But races, like individuals, tend to outgrow it as they develop. Now the suggestive thing about the Japanese people is that this passing phase of religion has been perpetuated. The Japanese have stayed boys. Filial respect continued, and, by very virtue of not becoming less, became more, till it filled not only the whole sphere of morals but expanded into the sphere of cosmogony. To the Japanese eye the universe itself took on the paternal look. Parental awe which these people under stood lent explanation to natural dread which they did not. Quite simply to their minds the thunder and the wind, the sunshine and the shower were the work not only of anthropomorphic beings but of beings ancestrally related to themselves. In short Shintō, their explanation of things in general, is nothing else than the patriarchal principle projected without perspective into the past, dilating with distance into deity. **[[w:Percival Lowell|Percival Lowell]], 'Esoteric Shintō', ''Transactions of the Asiatic Society of Japan'', Vol. XXI (1893), pp. 106-107 ===N=== *A "Naturefolk" learns by intimate contact with nature that there is a healing power in the flower and the grass, in the mountains and streams, in the rain and the clouds. He comes to see gods working in these phenomena, and if they are of divine origi do they not contain goodly qualities? Why seek afar for the divine? It is even in the objects around you. They are good and just. Why seek elsewhere for justice and goodness? So, to live a natural life is to be just and good. There is no evil in nature. What seems to be evil is the tipping of the balance scale. Evil is immoderation. All natural appetites are good and they become evil only when indulged in to excess. This is Shinto, the Way of the Gods, naïve primitive teaching aboriginal to the soil of Japan. **[[w:Nitobe Inazō|Nitobe Inazō]], ''Lectures on Japan: An Outline of the Development of the Japanese People and Their Culture'' (1938), p. 115 ===Y=== *Students of this religion have been struck with the simplicity of its doctrine. It enforces no especial moral code, embraces no philosophical ideas, and, moreover, it has no authoritative books to guide believers. Its one peculiar feature is the relation it holds towards the [[w:Imperial House of Japan|Imperial Family of Japan]], whose ancestors are made the chief object of worship. This religion, if indeed it can rightly be called a religion at all, amounts to ancestor-worship—the apotheosis of the Japanese Imperial Family. This fact naturally brings about two results: one is that Shintō can never be propagated beyond the realms of the [[w:Emperor of Japan|Japanese Emperor]]; the other, that it has helped to a very great extent the growth of the spirit of loyalty of Japanese subjects toward their head, and has enshrined the Imperial Family with such a degree of sacredness and reverence that it would be difficult to name another ruling family which is looked up to by its subjects with the same amount of loyal homage and submissive veneration. It is, indeed, a unique circumstance in the history of the nations that, during the two thousand five hundred years of its sway, the position of the Japanese Imperial Family as head of the whole nation has never once been disputed, nor even questioned, by the people. Of course, it is true that the dynasty has experienced many vicissitudes, but, although the actual government has at times been in the hands of powerful nobles and [[w:Shogun|Shoguns]], the throne has, nevertheless, been always kept sacred for the descendants of [[w:Emperor Jimmu|Jimmu]], the first Emperor. **Yoshitarō Yamashita, "The Influence of Shintō and Buddhism in Japan", ''Transactions and Proceedings of the Japan Society of London'', Vol. IV (1897), p. 257, quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), pp. 4-5 ==External links== {{Similarlinks}} [[Category:Pantheism]] [[Category:Polytheism]] kh83qrcgy40azxkensjd9b1k7g055ei 3157950 3157949 2022-08-25T21:36:20Z Coningsby 10755 /* H */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Shinto|Shinto]]''' ([[Japanese language|Japanese]]: 神道) or '''Shintoism''', is a [[religion]] that originated in [[Japan]]. Classified as an [[w:East Asian religions|East Asian religion]] by [[Religious studies|scholars of religion]], its practitioners often regard it as Japan's [[w:Indigenous religion|indigenous religion]] and as a [[nature religion]]. __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha}} ==Quotes== ===A=== *The chief ideas underlying Japanese myth are, firstly, the conception—piecemeal it is true, and inadequate—of the so-called inanimate universe as being really instinct with sentient life, and exercising a loving providential care over mankind; and secondly, the doctrine that honour and obedience are due to the sovereign whose beneficent rule secures to the people blessings comparable to that of the sun's light and warmth. For such, I take it, is the real meaning of the story by which the [[w:Emperor of Japan|Mikados]] are feigned to be descendants of the [[w:Amaterasu|Sun-Goddess]]. It is the Japanese version of the doctrine of the [[divine right of kings]]. Without these and similar vital elements Japanese myth would be nothing more than what some writers have supposed it, a farrago of absurdities, and its examination would belong not to the physiology, but to the pathology of the human mind. **[[w:William George Aston|William George Aston]], ''Shinto (The Way of the Gods)'' (1905), p. 82 ===G=== *Shintō, as a the anthropic religion, has culminated in [[w:Mikadoism|Mikadoism]] or the Worship of the Mikado or Japanese Emperor, as a divinity, during his lifetime as well as after his death, even in the ethical stage of its religious development... Herein lies even at the present day, in my opinion, the essence or life of Shintō, inseparably connected with the national ideals of the Japanese people. Japanese patriotism or loyalty, as you might call it, really is not simple patriotism or mere loyalty, as understood in the ordinary sense of the word, ''i.e.'', in the mere ethical sense of the term, it is more—it is the lofty self-denying enthusiastic sentiment of the Japanese people towards their august Ruler, believed to be something divine, rendering them capable of offering up anything and everything, all dearest to them, willingly, ''i.e.'', of their own free will; of sacrificing not only their wealth or property, but their own life itself, for the sake of their divinely gracious Sovereign... all this is nothing but the actual manifestation of the religious consciousness of the Japanese people. This sentiment is truly characteristic of Shintō as a religion. **Genchi Katō, ''A Study of Shintō: The Religion of the Japanese Nation'' (1926), pp. 206-207 *Thus, we see that the essence or life of Shintō is even today expressed in the peculiar religious patriotism of the Japanese people glorifying their Emperor as the centre of faith. So we venture to ''define'' Shintō, whose vital essence has never been languished, but is, on the contrary, strongly and ceaselessly active in the heart and mind of the Japanese people, as follows:—<br>''The vital essence of Shintō manifests itself as an expression of the unique spirit of the national service of the Japanese people, which is not only mere morality but is their religion, culminating in Mikadoism or their own peculiar form of loyalty or patriotism towards the Emperor, who at once political head and religious leader in a government constitutional yet theocraticopatriarchal.'' **Genchi Katō, ''A Study of Shintō: The Religion of the Japanese Nation'' (1926), pp. 207-208 ===H=== *We [i.e., the members of the Japanese race] who have been brought into existence through the creative spirits of the sacred ancestral ''[[w:Kami|kami]]'' are, each and every one, in spontaneous possession of the Way of the Gods. This means that we are equipped by nature with the virtues of reverence for the gods, for rulers and parents, with kindness toward wife and children, with the moral qualities which in [[Confucianism]] are called the five great ethical relationships (''gorin'') [i.e., those of ruler and subjects, parent and child, husband and wife, older and younger brothers, and friend with friend] and also with the five virtues (''gojō'') [i.e., benevolence, justice, propriety, wisdom, and faith], and to follow this nature just as it is, without bending or turning aside, is to conform to the teaching of the ''kami''. **[[w:Hirata Atsutane|Hirata Atsutane]], ''Zoku Shindō Taii'' ("The Great Principles of Shintō"); text in ''Shintō Daijiten'' ("The Shinto Encyclopaedia"), I (1937), p. 399, quoted in D. C. Holtom, Modern Japan and Shinto Nationalism: A Study of Present-Day Trends in Japanese Religions (1943; rev. edn., 1947), p. 16 *There are ten or a dozen good definitions of Shintō in existence, all varying more or less according to the individual viewpoints of those attempting the elucidation. For example: Shintō is the [[w:Indigenous religion|indigenous religion]] of the Japanese people; it is the Way of the Gods; it is "''[[w:Kami|kami]]''-cult," a form of definition in which ''kami'' signifies the [[w:List of Japanese deities|deities of Japan]] as distinct from those brought into the country through foreign contacts; it is [[w:Panpsychism|pan-psychism]] or [[w:Hylozoism|hylozoism]]; it is the racial spirit of the Japanese people (''[[w:Yamato-damashii|Yamato Damashii]]''); it is the sacred ceremonies conducted before the ''kami''; it is the essence of the principles of imperial rule; it is a system of correct social and political etiquette; it is the ideal national morality; it is a system of [[patriotism]] and loyalty centering in emperor worship (“[[w:Mikadoism|Mikadoism]]”); it is, in its pure and original form, a [[w:Nature worship|nature worship]]; or, over against this, Shintō, correctly understood, is [[w:Ancestor worship|ancestor worship]]; or, again, it is an intermixture of the worship of nature and of ancestors; and, lastly, it is, in its earliest stages, a lower [[w:Nature religion|nature religion]] in which are merged elements of [[w:Animism|animism]], naturism, and anthropolatry, evolving later into an advanced form of nature religion, and, finally, under the influence of [[Buddhism]] and [[Confucianism]], achieving speculative and ethical components of a high order. **[[w:D. C. Holtom|D. C. Holtom]], ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), pp. 5-6 *It was the indigenous religion of the ancient Japanese people and, as such, potent to foster and preserve convictions of racial uniqueness and destiny. It possessed an ancient and independent literature and ritual. It was fed by deep undercurrents of tradition and folklore welling up from the unconscious depths of the national life. At its core was an [[w:Ancestralism|ancestralism]] centering in a faith in the divine descent—and concomitantly the inalienable rights of suzerainty—of the [[w:Imperial House of Japan|Imperial Family]]. Shintō was manifestly indispensable to the unification of the disorganised country. **[[w:D. C. Holtom|D. C. Holtom]], ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), p. 54 ===K=== *Shintō, or Kamu-nagara, is a Way of Nature. This does not mean that it is a primitive and inferior nature worship. It means that Shintō is a spontaneous and real manifestation of the true nature of things, taking form in human affairs in proportion as this nature is given opportunity for sincere and unperverted expression. Thus, Shintō can be explained from the standpoint of the true, the good and the beautiful. **Kazusaku Kanzaki, ''Shintō Honkyoku no Kyōri'' ("The Doctrine of Shintō Honkyoku"), ''Uchü'' ("The Universe"), (January 1930), quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), p. 192 *The Truth of Shintō is to be seen in the inevitability of its underlying doctrine. This is apparent on consideration of the real significance of the great deities introduced in the oldest Yamato literature. [[w:Ame-no-Minakanushi|Ame-no-Minaka-Nushi-no-Kami]] (‘‘The Deity Who is Lord of the Center of Heaven’’), the first god named in the ''[[w:Kojiki|Kojiki]]'' is correctly understood as the central existence of the universe, the primary source of all things, both animate and inert. All the phenomena presented to human senses are the manifestations in time of this absolute god. The Absolute functions in time in the form of the two-fold creation ''[[w:Kami|kami]]'', [[w:Takamimusubi|Taka-Mimusubi-no-Kami]] and [[w:Kamimusubi|Kami-Musubi-no-Kami]]. These two beings represent activities of opposite kinds, from which the phenomenal world has had its rise. This positive-negative, or male-female, potency appears in Japanese history as the great father and mother of the race, [[w:Izanagi|Izanagi]] and [[w:Izanami|Izanami]], from whom is born the Sun Goddess, [[w:Amaterasu|Amaterasu-Ōmikami]], who in turn is the progenetrix of the [[w:Imperial House of Japan|Imperial Family]] and the [[w:Japanese people|Japanese people]]. Amaterasu-Ōmikami, in her position among the historical personages of Japan, is like the sun in heaven about which the planetary bodies revolve. The aptness of this solar metaphor accounts for the sun imagery of the early mythology. The statements just made point to undeniable facts in Japanese history. This is not a matter of mere chance or coincidence, but is so by inner necessity. This is the Truth of the Way of the Gods. **Kazusaku Kanzaki, ''Shintō Honkyoku no Kyōri'' ("The Doctrine of Shintō Honkyoku"), ''Uchü'' ("The Universe"), (January 1930), quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), pp. 192-193 *Another distinguishing characteristic of Shintō lies in what may be called its corporateness. In many other religions men as individuals are set over against the gods. In Shintō we are merged with our fellowmen about us and with the unseen host of ancestors that have gone before us and, as a great spiritual body, united with the divine. We are made of one line with the ''kami'' through our ancestors. We are united, divine and human, past and present, into a totality of warp and woof, interpenetrated and coherent... There are three things that are inseparable: our race which is our ancestral inheritance, our country which is our racial home and our faith wherewith our loyalties are sustained. This is the true Way of the Gods. **Kazusaku Kanzaki, ''Shintō Honkyoku no Kyōri'' ("The Doctrine of Shintō Honkyoku"), ''Uchü'' ("The Universe"), (January 1930), quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), pp. 193-194 *Shintō has been called the Wordless Way. This means that practice is more important than mere words, that the hand is mightier than the mouth, that deeds are weightier than rhetoric, that actualities are the greatest of arguments. This practical tendency reflects an inborn aptitude of the Japanese people. The finest expression of this passion for reality is in the patriotism with which we guard and promote the welfare of our country—a patriotism which, on the one hand, is centralized in devotion to our Imperial Family and which exalts our race and supports our homes and our magnificent national organization, on the other. All this is not a formal achievement, theoretically fostered with words, but is the natural registration of our racial characteristics, manifested in all its purity in the past, handed on unimpaired through our ancestors and maintained without flaw in the present. This is true Shintō. **Kazusaku Kanzaki, ''Shintō Honkyoku no Kyōri'' ("The Doctrine of Shintō Honkyoku"), ''Uchü'' ("The Universe"), (January 1930), quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), pp. 194-195 *Our Japanese race thus passed through a great testing in the time of [[w:Emperor Jimmu|Jimmu Tennō]]. Thereby were fostered a spiritual stability that never yields no matter what the hardships, a strong racial capacity for unification, and a reverential and worshipful faith in the Emperor, exalted to a religious character. These have come down through two thousand six hundred years as the very core of the Japanese national spirit. **[[w:Kan Kikuchi|Kan Kikuchi]], 'Nisen Roppyaku Nen Shishō ("Aspects of Two Thousand Six HundredYears of Japanese History"), ''Shūhō'' ("Weekly Gazette") (7 February 1940), p. 46, quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''Modern Japan and Shinto Nationalism: A Study of Present-Day Trends in Japanese Religions'' (1943; rev. edn., 1947), p. 13 *He [The Emperor] is regarded as a living ''kami'', loved and revered by the nation above all things on earth, and himself loving and protecting the nation, who are deemed sons of ''Kami Nagara'' and are entrusted to his care by the ''kami''. This mutual understanding obtains between every individual Japanese and the Emperor. The Sovereign studies our needs and feels our sorrows. What more have we, then, to ask from the ''kami'' directly? Thus ''Shintō'' (doctrine of the ''kami'') is ''kundō'' (doctrine of the Emperor), for ''Shintōism'' is ''Mikadoism''; "the ''kami'''s will is the Emperor's will" is a maxim inscribed on the heart of every Japanese. Herein one may see the fountain-head of our patriotic spirit, whose marvellous activity has served to raise Japan in these fifty years to the level of the first-rate Powers of the world. **[[w:Kume Kunitake|Kume Kunitake]], ‘Japanese Religious Beliefs: ''Shintō''—the ''Kami''’, quoted in ''Fifty Years of New Japan (Kaikoku Gojūnen Shi), Volume II'', compiled by Count Shigénobu Ōkuma, edited by Marcus B. Huish (1909), p. 30 ===L=== *Shintō, as is well known, is a combination by the Japanese of the worship of nature and of their own ancestors. But the character of the combination is ethnologically instructive. For a lack of psychic development has made of these seemingly diverse elements a homegeneous whole. Both, of course, are aboriginal instincts. Next to the fear of natural phenomena, in point of primitiveness, comes the fear of one's father; as children and savages show. But races, like individuals, tend to outgrow it as they develop. Now the suggestive thing about the Japanese people is that this passing phase of religion has been perpetuated. The Japanese have stayed boys. Filial respect continued, and, by very virtue of not becoming less, became more, till it filled not only the whole sphere of morals but expanded into the sphere of cosmogony. To the Japanese eye the universe itself took on the paternal look. Parental awe which these people under stood lent explanation to natural dread which they did not. Quite simply to their minds the thunder and the wind, the sunshine and the shower were the work not only of anthropomorphic beings but of beings ancestrally related to themselves. In short Shintō, their explanation of things in general, is nothing else than the patriarchal principle projected without perspective into the past, dilating with distance into deity. **[[w:Percival Lowell|Percival Lowell]], 'Esoteric Shintō', ''Transactions of the Asiatic Society of Japan'', Vol. XXI (1893), pp. 106-107 ===N=== *A "Naturefolk" learns by intimate contact with nature that there is a healing power in the flower and the grass, in the mountains and streams, in the rain and the clouds. He comes to see gods working in these phenomena, and if they are of divine origi do they not contain goodly qualities? Why seek afar for the divine? It is even in the objects around you. They are good and just. Why seek elsewhere for justice and goodness? So, to live a natural life is to be just and good. There is no evil in nature. What seems to be evil is the tipping of the balance scale. Evil is immoderation. All natural appetites are good and they become evil only when indulged in to excess. This is Shinto, the Way of the Gods, naïve primitive teaching aboriginal to the soil of Japan. **[[w:Nitobe Inazō|Nitobe Inazō]], ''Lectures on Japan: An Outline of the Development of the Japanese People and Their Culture'' (1938), p. 115 ===Y=== *Students of this religion have been struck with the simplicity of its doctrine. It enforces no especial moral code, embraces no philosophical ideas, and, moreover, it has no authoritative books to guide believers. Its one peculiar feature is the relation it holds towards the [[w:Imperial House of Japan|Imperial Family of Japan]], whose ancestors are made the chief object of worship. This religion, if indeed it can rightly be called a religion at all, amounts to ancestor-worship—the apotheosis of the Japanese Imperial Family. This fact naturally brings about two results: one is that Shintō can never be propagated beyond the realms of the [[w:Emperor of Japan|Japanese Emperor]]; the other, that it has helped to a very great extent the growth of the spirit of loyalty of Japanese subjects toward their head, and has enshrined the Imperial Family with such a degree of sacredness and reverence that it would be difficult to name another ruling family which is looked up to by its subjects with the same amount of loyal homage and submissive veneration. It is, indeed, a unique circumstance in the history of the nations that, during the two thousand five hundred years of its sway, the position of the Japanese Imperial Family as head of the whole nation has never once been disputed, nor even questioned, by the people. Of course, it is true that the dynasty has experienced many vicissitudes, but, although the actual government has at times been in the hands of powerful nobles and [[w:Shogun|Shoguns]], the throne has, nevertheless, been always kept sacred for the descendants of [[w:Emperor Jimmu|Jimmu]], the first Emperor. **Yoshitarō Yamashita, "The Influence of Shintō and Buddhism in Japan", ''Transactions and Proceedings of the Japan Society of London'', Vol. IV (1897), p. 257, quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), pp. 4-5 ==External links== {{Similarlinks}} [[Category:Pantheism]] [[Category:Polytheism]] ggxvicejubj3pk2tcctqocnqouv4q4g 3157951 3157950 2022-08-25T21:36:33Z Coningsby 10755 /* H */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Shinto|Shinto]]''' ([[Japanese language|Japanese]]: 神道) or '''Shintoism''', is a [[religion]] that originated in [[Japan]]. Classified as an [[w:East Asian religions|East Asian religion]] by [[Religious studies|scholars of religion]], its practitioners often regard it as Japan's [[w:Indigenous religion|indigenous religion]] and as a [[nature religion]]. __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha}} ==Quotes== ===A=== *The chief ideas underlying Japanese myth are, firstly, the conception—piecemeal it is true, and inadequate—of the so-called inanimate universe as being really instinct with sentient life, and exercising a loving providential care over mankind; and secondly, the doctrine that honour and obedience are due to the sovereign whose beneficent rule secures to the people blessings comparable to that of the sun's light and warmth. For such, I take it, is the real meaning of the story by which the [[w:Emperor of Japan|Mikados]] are feigned to be descendants of the [[w:Amaterasu|Sun-Goddess]]. It is the Japanese version of the doctrine of the [[divine right of kings]]. Without these and similar vital elements Japanese myth would be nothing more than what some writers have supposed it, a farrago of absurdities, and its examination would belong not to the physiology, but to the pathology of the human mind. **[[w:William George Aston|William George Aston]], ''Shinto (The Way of the Gods)'' (1905), p. 82 ===G=== *Shintō, as a the anthropic religion, has culminated in [[w:Mikadoism|Mikadoism]] or the Worship of the Mikado or Japanese Emperor, as a divinity, during his lifetime as well as after his death, even in the ethical stage of its religious development... Herein lies even at the present day, in my opinion, the essence or life of Shintō, inseparably connected with the national ideals of the Japanese people. Japanese patriotism or loyalty, as you might call it, really is not simple patriotism or mere loyalty, as understood in the ordinary sense of the word, ''i.e.'', in the mere ethical sense of the term, it is more—it is the lofty self-denying enthusiastic sentiment of the Japanese people towards their august Ruler, believed to be something divine, rendering them capable of offering up anything and everything, all dearest to them, willingly, ''i.e.'', of their own free will; of sacrificing not only their wealth or property, but their own life itself, for the sake of their divinely gracious Sovereign... all this is nothing but the actual manifestation of the religious consciousness of the Japanese people. This sentiment is truly characteristic of Shintō as a religion. **Genchi Katō, ''A Study of Shintō: The Religion of the Japanese Nation'' (1926), pp. 206-207 *Thus, we see that the essence or life of Shintō is even today expressed in the peculiar religious patriotism of the Japanese people glorifying their Emperor as the centre of faith. So we venture to ''define'' Shintō, whose vital essence has never been languished, but is, on the contrary, strongly and ceaselessly active in the heart and mind of the Japanese people, as follows:—<br>''The vital essence of Shintō manifests itself as an expression of the unique spirit of the national service of the Japanese people, which is not only mere morality but is their religion, culminating in Mikadoism or their own peculiar form of loyalty or patriotism towards the Emperor, who at once political head and religious leader in a government constitutional yet theocraticopatriarchal.'' **Genchi Katō, ''A Study of Shintō: The Religion of the Japanese Nation'' (1926), pp. 207-208 ===H=== *We [i.e., the members of the Japanese race] who have been brought into existence through the creative spirits of the sacred ancestral ''[[w:Kami|kami]]'' are, each and every one, in spontaneous possession of the Way of the Gods. This means that we are equipped by nature with the virtues of reverence for the gods, for rulers and parents, with kindness toward wife and children, with the moral qualities which in [[Confucianism]] are called the five great ethical relationships (''gorin'') [i.e., those of ruler and subjects, parent and child, husband and wife, older and younger brothers, and friend with friend] and also with the five virtues (''gojō'') [i.e., benevolence, justice, propriety, wisdom, and faith], and to follow this nature just as it is, without bending or turning aside, is to conform to the teaching of the ''kami''. **[[w:Hirata Atsutane|Hirata Atsutane]], ''Zoku Shindō Taii'' ("The Great Principles of Shintō"); text in ''Shintō Daijiten'' ("The Shinto Encyclopaedia"), I (1937), p. 399, quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''Modern Japan and Shinto Nationalism: A Study of Present-Day Trends in Japanese Religions'' (1943; rev. edn., 1947), p. 16 *There are ten or a dozen good definitions of Shintō in existence, all varying more or less according to the individual viewpoints of those attempting the elucidation. For example: Shintō is the [[w:Indigenous religion|indigenous religion]] of the Japanese people; it is the Way of the Gods; it is "''[[w:Kami|kami]]''-cult," a form of definition in which ''kami'' signifies the [[w:List of Japanese deities|deities of Japan]] as distinct from those brought into the country through foreign contacts; it is [[w:Panpsychism|pan-psychism]] or [[w:Hylozoism|hylozoism]]; it is the racial spirit of the Japanese people (''[[w:Yamato-damashii|Yamato Damashii]]''); it is the sacred ceremonies conducted before the ''kami''; it is the essence of the principles of imperial rule; it is a system of correct social and political etiquette; it is the ideal national morality; it is a system of [[patriotism]] and loyalty centering in emperor worship (“[[w:Mikadoism|Mikadoism]]”); it is, in its pure and original form, a [[w:Nature worship|nature worship]]; or, over against this, Shintō, correctly understood, is [[w:Ancestor worship|ancestor worship]]; or, again, it is an intermixture of the worship of nature and of ancestors; and, lastly, it is, in its earliest stages, a lower [[w:Nature religion|nature religion]] in which are merged elements of [[w:Animism|animism]], naturism, and anthropolatry, evolving later into an advanced form of nature religion, and, finally, under the influence of [[Buddhism]] and [[Confucianism]], achieving speculative and ethical components of a high order. **[[w:D. C. Holtom|D. C. Holtom]], ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), pp. 5-6 *It was the indigenous religion of the ancient Japanese people and, as such, potent to foster and preserve convictions of racial uniqueness and destiny. It possessed an ancient and independent literature and ritual. It was fed by deep undercurrents of tradition and folklore welling up from the unconscious depths of the national life. At its core was an [[w:Ancestralism|ancestralism]] centering in a faith in the divine descent—and concomitantly the inalienable rights of suzerainty—of the [[w:Imperial House of Japan|Imperial Family]]. Shintō was manifestly indispensable to the unification of the disorganised country. **[[w:D. C. Holtom|D. C. Holtom]], ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), p. 54 ===K=== *Shintō, or Kamu-nagara, is a Way of Nature. This does not mean that it is a primitive and inferior nature worship. It means that Shintō is a spontaneous and real manifestation of the true nature of things, taking form in human affairs in proportion as this nature is given opportunity for sincere and unperverted expression. Thus, Shintō can be explained from the standpoint of the true, the good and the beautiful. **Kazusaku Kanzaki, ''Shintō Honkyoku no Kyōri'' ("The Doctrine of Shintō Honkyoku"), ''Uchü'' ("The Universe"), (January 1930), quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), p. 192 *The Truth of Shintō is to be seen in the inevitability of its underlying doctrine. This is apparent on consideration of the real significance of the great deities introduced in the oldest Yamato literature. [[w:Ame-no-Minakanushi|Ame-no-Minaka-Nushi-no-Kami]] (‘‘The Deity Who is Lord of the Center of Heaven’’), the first god named in the ''[[w:Kojiki|Kojiki]]'' is correctly understood as the central existence of the universe, the primary source of all things, both animate and inert. All the phenomena presented to human senses are the manifestations in time of this absolute god. The Absolute functions in time in the form of the two-fold creation ''[[w:Kami|kami]]'', [[w:Takamimusubi|Taka-Mimusubi-no-Kami]] and [[w:Kamimusubi|Kami-Musubi-no-Kami]]. These two beings represent activities of opposite kinds, from which the phenomenal world has had its rise. This positive-negative, or male-female, potency appears in Japanese history as the great father and mother of the race, [[w:Izanagi|Izanagi]] and [[w:Izanami|Izanami]], from whom is born the Sun Goddess, [[w:Amaterasu|Amaterasu-Ōmikami]], who in turn is the progenetrix of the [[w:Imperial House of Japan|Imperial Family]] and the [[w:Japanese people|Japanese people]]. Amaterasu-Ōmikami, in her position among the historical personages of Japan, is like the sun in heaven about which the planetary bodies revolve. The aptness of this solar metaphor accounts for the sun imagery of the early mythology. The statements just made point to undeniable facts in Japanese history. This is not a matter of mere chance or coincidence, but is so by inner necessity. This is the Truth of the Way of the Gods. **Kazusaku Kanzaki, ''Shintō Honkyoku no Kyōri'' ("The Doctrine of Shintō Honkyoku"), ''Uchü'' ("The Universe"), (January 1930), quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), pp. 192-193 *Another distinguishing characteristic of Shintō lies in what may be called its corporateness. In many other religions men as individuals are set over against the gods. In Shintō we are merged with our fellowmen about us and with the unseen host of ancestors that have gone before us and, as a great spiritual body, united with the divine. We are made of one line with the ''kami'' through our ancestors. We are united, divine and human, past and present, into a totality of warp and woof, interpenetrated and coherent... There are three things that are inseparable: our race which is our ancestral inheritance, our country which is our racial home and our faith wherewith our loyalties are sustained. This is the true Way of the Gods. **Kazusaku Kanzaki, ''Shintō Honkyoku no Kyōri'' ("The Doctrine of Shintō Honkyoku"), ''Uchü'' ("The Universe"), (January 1930), quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), pp. 193-194 *Shintō has been called the Wordless Way. This means that practice is more important than mere words, that the hand is mightier than the mouth, that deeds are weightier than rhetoric, that actualities are the greatest of arguments. This practical tendency reflects an inborn aptitude of the Japanese people. The finest expression of this passion for reality is in the patriotism with which we guard and promote the welfare of our country—a patriotism which, on the one hand, is centralized in devotion to our Imperial Family and which exalts our race and supports our homes and our magnificent national organization, on the other. All this is not a formal achievement, theoretically fostered with words, but is the natural registration of our racial characteristics, manifested in all its purity in the past, handed on unimpaired through our ancestors and maintained without flaw in the present. This is true Shintō. **Kazusaku Kanzaki, ''Shintō Honkyoku no Kyōri'' ("The Doctrine of Shintō Honkyoku"), ''Uchü'' ("The Universe"), (January 1930), quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), pp. 194-195 *Our Japanese race thus passed through a great testing in the time of [[w:Emperor Jimmu|Jimmu Tennō]]. Thereby were fostered a spiritual stability that never yields no matter what the hardships, a strong racial capacity for unification, and a reverential and worshipful faith in the Emperor, exalted to a religious character. These have come down through two thousand six hundred years as the very core of the Japanese national spirit. **[[w:Kan Kikuchi|Kan Kikuchi]], 'Nisen Roppyaku Nen Shishō ("Aspects of Two Thousand Six HundredYears of Japanese History"), ''Shūhō'' ("Weekly Gazette") (7 February 1940), p. 46, quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''Modern Japan and Shinto Nationalism: A Study of Present-Day Trends in Japanese Religions'' (1943; rev. edn., 1947), p. 13 *He [The Emperor] is regarded as a living ''kami'', loved and revered by the nation above all things on earth, and himself loving and protecting the nation, who are deemed sons of ''Kami Nagara'' and are entrusted to his care by the ''kami''. This mutual understanding obtains between every individual Japanese and the Emperor. The Sovereign studies our needs and feels our sorrows. What more have we, then, to ask from the ''kami'' directly? Thus ''Shintō'' (doctrine of the ''kami'') is ''kundō'' (doctrine of the Emperor), for ''Shintōism'' is ''Mikadoism''; "the ''kami'''s will is the Emperor's will" is a maxim inscribed on the heart of every Japanese. Herein one may see the fountain-head of our patriotic spirit, whose marvellous activity has served to raise Japan in these fifty years to the level of the first-rate Powers of the world. **[[w:Kume Kunitake|Kume Kunitake]], ‘Japanese Religious Beliefs: ''Shintō''—the ''Kami''’, quoted in ''Fifty Years of New Japan (Kaikoku Gojūnen Shi), Volume II'', compiled by Count Shigénobu Ōkuma, edited by Marcus B. Huish (1909), p. 30 ===L=== *Shintō, as is well known, is a combination by the Japanese of the worship of nature and of their own ancestors. But the character of the combination is ethnologically instructive. For a lack of psychic development has made of these seemingly diverse elements a homegeneous whole. Both, of course, are aboriginal instincts. Next to the fear of natural phenomena, in point of primitiveness, comes the fear of one's father; as children and savages show. But races, like individuals, tend to outgrow it as they develop. Now the suggestive thing about the Japanese people is that this passing phase of religion has been perpetuated. The Japanese have stayed boys. Filial respect continued, and, by very virtue of not becoming less, became more, till it filled not only the whole sphere of morals but expanded into the sphere of cosmogony. To the Japanese eye the universe itself took on the paternal look. Parental awe which these people under stood lent explanation to natural dread which they did not. Quite simply to their minds the thunder and the wind, the sunshine and the shower were the work not only of anthropomorphic beings but of beings ancestrally related to themselves. In short Shintō, their explanation of things in general, is nothing else than the patriarchal principle projected without perspective into the past, dilating with distance into deity. **[[w:Percival Lowell|Percival Lowell]], 'Esoteric Shintō', ''Transactions of the Asiatic Society of Japan'', Vol. XXI (1893), pp. 106-107 ===N=== *A "Naturefolk" learns by intimate contact with nature that there is a healing power in the flower and the grass, in the mountains and streams, in the rain and the clouds. He comes to see gods working in these phenomena, and if they are of divine origi do they not contain goodly qualities? Why seek afar for the divine? It is even in the objects around you. They are good and just. Why seek elsewhere for justice and goodness? So, to live a natural life is to be just and good. There is no evil in nature. What seems to be evil is the tipping of the balance scale. Evil is immoderation. All natural appetites are good and they become evil only when indulged in to excess. This is Shinto, the Way of the Gods, naïve primitive teaching aboriginal to the soil of Japan. **[[w:Nitobe Inazō|Nitobe Inazō]], ''Lectures on Japan: An Outline of the Development of the Japanese People and Their Culture'' (1938), p. 115 ===Y=== *Students of this religion have been struck with the simplicity of its doctrine. It enforces no especial moral code, embraces no philosophical ideas, and, moreover, it has no authoritative books to guide believers. Its one peculiar feature is the relation it holds towards the [[w:Imperial House of Japan|Imperial Family of Japan]], whose ancestors are made the chief object of worship. This religion, if indeed it can rightly be called a religion at all, amounts to ancestor-worship—the apotheosis of the Japanese Imperial Family. This fact naturally brings about two results: one is that Shintō can never be propagated beyond the realms of the [[w:Emperor of Japan|Japanese Emperor]]; the other, that it has helped to a very great extent the growth of the spirit of loyalty of Japanese subjects toward their head, and has enshrined the Imperial Family with such a degree of sacredness and reverence that it would be difficult to name another ruling family which is looked up to by its subjects with the same amount of loyal homage and submissive veneration. It is, indeed, a unique circumstance in the history of the nations that, during the two thousand five hundred years of its sway, the position of the Japanese Imperial Family as head of the whole nation has never once been disputed, nor even questioned, by the people. Of course, it is true that the dynasty has experienced many vicissitudes, but, although the actual government has at times been in the hands of powerful nobles and [[w:Shogun|Shoguns]], the throne has, nevertheless, been always kept sacred for the descendants of [[w:Emperor Jimmu|Jimmu]], the first Emperor. **Yoshitarō Yamashita, "The Influence of Shintō and Buddhism in Japan", ''Transactions and Proceedings of the Japan Society of London'', Vol. IV (1897), p. 257, quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), pp. 4-5 ==External links== {{Similarlinks}} [[Category:Pantheism]] [[Category:Polytheism]] jg9d7my6bxdnji87ubfhi0r3t2e1mhv 3157962 3157951 2022-08-25T22:11:18Z Coningsby 10755 /* G */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Shinto|Shinto]]''' ([[Japanese language|Japanese]]: 神道) or '''Shintoism''', is a [[religion]] that originated in [[Japan]]. Classified as an [[w:East Asian religions|East Asian religion]] by [[Religious studies|scholars of religion]], its practitioners often regard it as Japan's [[w:Indigenous religion|indigenous religion]] and as a [[nature religion]]. __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha}} ==Quotes== ===A=== *The chief ideas underlying Japanese myth are, firstly, the conception—piecemeal it is true, and inadequate—of the so-called inanimate universe as being really instinct with sentient life, and exercising a loving providential care over mankind; and secondly, the doctrine that honour and obedience are due to the sovereign whose beneficent rule secures to the people blessings comparable to that of the sun's light and warmth. For such, I take it, is the real meaning of the story by which the [[w:Emperor of Japan|Mikados]] are feigned to be descendants of the [[w:Amaterasu|Sun-Goddess]]. It is the Japanese version of the doctrine of the [[divine right of kings]]. Without these and similar vital elements Japanese myth would be nothing more than what some writers have supposed it, a farrago of absurdities, and its examination would belong not to the physiology, but to the pathology of the human mind. **[[w:William George Aston|William George Aston]], ''Shinto (The Way of the Gods)'' (1905), p. 82 ===G=== *Shintō, as a theanthropic religion, has culminated in [[w:Mikadoism|Mikadoism]] or the Worship of the Mikado or Japanese Emperor, as a divinity, during his lifetime as well as after his death, even in the ethical stage of its religious development... Herein lies even at the present day, in my opinion, the essence or life of Shintō, inseparably connected with the national ideals of the Japanese people. Japanese patriotism or loyalty, as you might call it, really is not simple patriotism or mere loyalty, as understood in the ordinary sense of the word, ''i.e.'', in the mere ethical sense of the term, it is more—it is the lofty self-denying enthusiastic sentiment of the Japanese people towards their august Ruler, believed to be something divine, rendering them capable of offering up anything and everything, all dearest to them, willingly, ''i.e.'', of their own free will; of sacrificing not only their wealth or property, but their own life itself, for the sake of their divinely gracious Sovereign... all this is nothing but the actual manifestation of the religious consciousness of the Japanese people. This sentiment is truly characteristic of Shintō as a religion. **Genchi Katō, ''A Study of Shintō: The Religion of the Japanese Nation'' (1926), pp. 206-207 *Thus, we see that the essence or life of Shintō is even today expressed in the peculiar religious patriotism of the Japanese people glorifying their Emperor as the centre of faith. So we venture to ''define'' Shintō, whose vital essence has never been languished, but is, on the contrary, strongly and ceaselessly active in the heart and mind of the Japanese people, as follows:—<br>''The vital essence of Shintō manifests itself as an expression of the unique spirit of the national service of the Japanese people, which is not only mere morality but is their religion, culminating in Mikadoism or their own peculiar form of loyalty or patriotism towards the Emperor, who at once political head and religious leader in a government constitutional yet theocraticopatriarchal.'' **Genchi Katō, ''A Study of Shintō: The Religion of the Japanese Nation'' (1926), pp. 207-208 ===H=== *We [i.e., the members of the Japanese race] who have been brought into existence through the creative spirits of the sacred ancestral ''[[w:Kami|kami]]'' are, each and every one, in spontaneous possession of the Way of the Gods. This means that we are equipped by nature with the virtues of reverence for the gods, for rulers and parents, with kindness toward wife and children, with the moral qualities which in [[Confucianism]] are called the five great ethical relationships (''gorin'') [i.e., those of ruler and subjects, parent and child, husband and wife, older and younger brothers, and friend with friend] and also with the five virtues (''gojō'') [i.e., benevolence, justice, propriety, wisdom, and faith], and to follow this nature just as it is, without bending or turning aside, is to conform to the teaching of the ''kami''. **[[w:Hirata Atsutane|Hirata Atsutane]], ''Zoku Shindō Taii'' ("The Great Principles of Shintō"); text in ''Shintō Daijiten'' ("The Shinto Encyclopaedia"), I (1937), p. 399, quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''Modern Japan and Shinto Nationalism: A Study of Present-Day Trends in Japanese Religions'' (1943; rev. edn., 1947), p. 16 *There are ten or a dozen good definitions of Shintō in existence, all varying more or less according to the individual viewpoints of those attempting the elucidation. For example: Shintō is the [[w:Indigenous religion|indigenous religion]] of the Japanese people; it is the Way of the Gods; it is "''[[w:Kami|kami]]''-cult," a form of definition in which ''kami'' signifies the [[w:List of Japanese deities|deities of Japan]] as distinct from those brought into the country through foreign contacts; it is [[w:Panpsychism|pan-psychism]] or [[w:Hylozoism|hylozoism]]; it is the racial spirit of the Japanese people (''[[w:Yamato-damashii|Yamato Damashii]]''); it is the sacred ceremonies conducted before the ''kami''; it is the essence of the principles of imperial rule; it is a system of correct social and political etiquette; it is the ideal national morality; it is a system of [[patriotism]] and loyalty centering in emperor worship (“[[w:Mikadoism|Mikadoism]]”); it is, in its pure and original form, a [[w:Nature worship|nature worship]]; or, over against this, Shintō, correctly understood, is [[w:Ancestor worship|ancestor worship]]; or, again, it is an intermixture of the worship of nature and of ancestors; and, lastly, it is, in its earliest stages, a lower [[w:Nature religion|nature religion]] in which are merged elements of [[w:Animism|animism]], naturism, and anthropolatry, evolving later into an advanced form of nature religion, and, finally, under the influence of [[Buddhism]] and [[Confucianism]], achieving speculative and ethical components of a high order. **[[w:D. C. Holtom|D. C. Holtom]], ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), pp. 5-6 *It was the indigenous religion of the ancient Japanese people and, as such, potent to foster and preserve convictions of racial uniqueness and destiny. It possessed an ancient and independent literature and ritual. It was fed by deep undercurrents of tradition and folklore welling up from the unconscious depths of the national life. At its core was an [[w:Ancestralism|ancestralism]] centering in a faith in the divine descent—and concomitantly the inalienable rights of suzerainty—of the [[w:Imperial House of Japan|Imperial Family]]. Shintō was manifestly indispensable to the unification of the disorganised country. **[[w:D. C. Holtom|D. C. Holtom]], ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), p. 54 ===K=== *Shintō, or Kamu-nagara, is a Way of Nature. This does not mean that it is a primitive and inferior nature worship. It means that Shintō is a spontaneous and real manifestation of the true nature of things, taking form in human affairs in proportion as this nature is given opportunity for sincere and unperverted expression. Thus, Shintō can be explained from the standpoint of the true, the good and the beautiful. **Kazusaku Kanzaki, ''Shintō Honkyoku no Kyōri'' ("The Doctrine of Shintō Honkyoku"), ''Uchü'' ("The Universe"), (January 1930), quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), p. 192 *The Truth of Shintō is to be seen in the inevitability of its underlying doctrine. This is apparent on consideration of the real significance of the great deities introduced in the oldest Yamato literature. [[w:Ame-no-Minakanushi|Ame-no-Minaka-Nushi-no-Kami]] (‘‘The Deity Who is Lord of the Center of Heaven’’), the first god named in the ''[[w:Kojiki|Kojiki]]'' is correctly understood as the central existence of the universe, the primary source of all things, both animate and inert. All the phenomena presented to human senses are the manifestations in time of this absolute god. The Absolute functions in time in the form of the two-fold creation ''[[w:Kami|kami]]'', [[w:Takamimusubi|Taka-Mimusubi-no-Kami]] and [[w:Kamimusubi|Kami-Musubi-no-Kami]]. These two beings represent activities of opposite kinds, from which the phenomenal world has had its rise. This positive-negative, or male-female, potency appears in Japanese history as the great father and mother of the race, [[w:Izanagi|Izanagi]] and [[w:Izanami|Izanami]], from whom is born the Sun Goddess, [[w:Amaterasu|Amaterasu-Ōmikami]], who in turn is the progenetrix of the [[w:Imperial House of Japan|Imperial Family]] and the [[w:Japanese people|Japanese people]]. Amaterasu-Ōmikami, in her position among the historical personages of Japan, is like the sun in heaven about which the planetary bodies revolve. The aptness of this solar metaphor accounts for the sun imagery of the early mythology. The statements just made point to undeniable facts in Japanese history. This is not a matter of mere chance or coincidence, but is so by inner necessity. This is the Truth of the Way of the Gods. **Kazusaku Kanzaki, ''Shintō Honkyoku no Kyōri'' ("The Doctrine of Shintō Honkyoku"), ''Uchü'' ("The Universe"), (January 1930), quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), pp. 192-193 *Another distinguishing characteristic of Shintō lies in what may be called its corporateness. In many other religions men as individuals are set over against the gods. In Shintō we are merged with our fellowmen about us and with the unseen host of ancestors that have gone before us and, as a great spiritual body, united with the divine. We are made of one line with the ''kami'' through our ancestors. We are united, divine and human, past and present, into a totality of warp and woof, interpenetrated and coherent... There are three things that are inseparable: our race which is our ancestral inheritance, our country which is our racial home and our faith wherewith our loyalties are sustained. This is the true Way of the Gods. **Kazusaku Kanzaki, ''Shintō Honkyoku no Kyōri'' ("The Doctrine of Shintō Honkyoku"), ''Uchü'' ("The Universe"), (January 1930), quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), pp. 193-194 *Shintō has been called the Wordless Way. This means that practice is more important than mere words, that the hand is mightier than the mouth, that deeds are weightier than rhetoric, that actualities are the greatest of arguments. This practical tendency reflects an inborn aptitude of the Japanese people. The finest expression of this passion for reality is in the patriotism with which we guard and promote the welfare of our country—a patriotism which, on the one hand, is centralized in devotion to our Imperial Family and which exalts our race and supports our homes and our magnificent national organization, on the other. All this is not a formal achievement, theoretically fostered with words, but is the natural registration of our racial characteristics, manifested in all its purity in the past, handed on unimpaired through our ancestors and maintained without flaw in the present. This is true Shintō. **Kazusaku Kanzaki, ''Shintō Honkyoku no Kyōri'' ("The Doctrine of Shintō Honkyoku"), ''Uchü'' ("The Universe"), (January 1930), quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), pp. 194-195 *Our Japanese race thus passed through a great testing in the time of [[w:Emperor Jimmu|Jimmu Tennō]]. Thereby were fostered a spiritual stability that never yields no matter what the hardships, a strong racial capacity for unification, and a reverential and worshipful faith in the Emperor, exalted to a religious character. These have come down through two thousand six hundred years as the very core of the Japanese national spirit. **[[w:Kan Kikuchi|Kan Kikuchi]], 'Nisen Roppyaku Nen Shishō ("Aspects of Two Thousand Six HundredYears of Japanese History"), ''Shūhō'' ("Weekly Gazette") (7 February 1940), p. 46, quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''Modern Japan and Shinto Nationalism: A Study of Present-Day Trends in Japanese Religions'' (1943; rev. edn., 1947), p. 13 *He [The Emperor] is regarded as a living ''kami'', loved and revered by the nation above all things on earth, and himself loving and protecting the nation, who are deemed sons of ''Kami Nagara'' and are entrusted to his care by the ''kami''. This mutual understanding obtains between every individual Japanese and the Emperor. The Sovereign studies our needs and feels our sorrows. What more have we, then, to ask from the ''kami'' directly? Thus ''Shintō'' (doctrine of the ''kami'') is ''kundō'' (doctrine of the Emperor), for ''Shintōism'' is ''Mikadoism''; "the ''kami'''s will is the Emperor's will" is a maxim inscribed on the heart of every Japanese. Herein one may see the fountain-head of our patriotic spirit, whose marvellous activity has served to raise Japan in these fifty years to the level of the first-rate Powers of the world. **[[w:Kume Kunitake|Kume Kunitake]], ‘Japanese Religious Beliefs: ''Shintō''—the ''Kami''’, quoted in ''Fifty Years of New Japan (Kaikoku Gojūnen Shi), Volume II'', compiled by Count Shigénobu Ōkuma, edited by Marcus B. Huish (1909), p. 30 ===L=== *Shintō, as is well known, is a combination by the Japanese of the worship of nature and of their own ancestors. But the character of the combination is ethnologically instructive. For a lack of psychic development has made of these seemingly diverse elements a homegeneous whole. Both, of course, are aboriginal instincts. Next to the fear of natural phenomena, in point of primitiveness, comes the fear of one's father; as children and savages show. But races, like individuals, tend to outgrow it as they develop. Now the suggestive thing about the Japanese people is that this passing phase of religion has been perpetuated. The Japanese have stayed boys. Filial respect continued, and, by very virtue of not becoming less, became more, till it filled not only the whole sphere of morals but expanded into the sphere of cosmogony. To the Japanese eye the universe itself took on the paternal look. Parental awe which these people under stood lent explanation to natural dread which they did not. Quite simply to their minds the thunder and the wind, the sunshine and the shower were the work not only of anthropomorphic beings but of beings ancestrally related to themselves. In short Shintō, their explanation of things in general, is nothing else than the patriarchal principle projected without perspective into the past, dilating with distance into deity. **[[w:Percival Lowell|Percival Lowell]], 'Esoteric Shintō', ''Transactions of the Asiatic Society of Japan'', Vol. XXI (1893), pp. 106-107 ===N=== *A "Naturefolk" learns by intimate contact with nature that there is a healing power in the flower and the grass, in the mountains and streams, in the rain and the clouds. He comes to see gods working in these phenomena, and if they are of divine origi do they not contain goodly qualities? Why seek afar for the divine? It is even in the objects around you. They are good and just. Why seek elsewhere for justice and goodness? So, to live a natural life is to be just and good. There is no evil in nature. What seems to be evil is the tipping of the balance scale. Evil is immoderation. All natural appetites are good and they become evil only when indulged in to excess. This is Shinto, the Way of the Gods, naïve primitive teaching aboriginal to the soil of Japan. **[[w:Nitobe Inazō|Nitobe Inazō]], ''Lectures on Japan: An Outline of the Development of the Japanese People and Their Culture'' (1938), p. 115 ===Y=== *Students of this religion have been struck with the simplicity of its doctrine. It enforces no especial moral code, embraces no philosophical ideas, and, moreover, it has no authoritative books to guide believers. Its one peculiar feature is the relation it holds towards the [[w:Imperial House of Japan|Imperial Family of Japan]], whose ancestors are made the chief object of worship. This religion, if indeed it can rightly be called a religion at all, amounts to ancestor-worship—the apotheosis of the Japanese Imperial Family. This fact naturally brings about two results: one is that Shintō can never be propagated beyond the realms of the [[w:Emperor of Japan|Japanese Emperor]]; the other, that it has helped to a very great extent the growth of the spirit of loyalty of Japanese subjects toward their head, and has enshrined the Imperial Family with such a degree of sacredness and reverence that it would be difficult to name another ruling family which is looked up to by its subjects with the same amount of loyal homage and submissive veneration. It is, indeed, a unique circumstance in the history of the nations that, during the two thousand five hundred years of its sway, the position of the Japanese Imperial Family as head of the whole nation has never once been disputed, nor even questioned, by the people. Of course, it is true that the dynasty has experienced many vicissitudes, but, although the actual government has at times been in the hands of powerful nobles and [[w:Shogun|Shoguns]], the throne has, nevertheless, been always kept sacred for the descendants of [[w:Emperor Jimmu|Jimmu]], the first Emperor. **Yoshitarō Yamashita, "The Influence of Shintō and Buddhism in Japan", ''Transactions and Proceedings of the Japan Society of London'', Vol. IV (1897), p. 257, quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), pp. 4-5 ==External links== {{Similarlinks}} [[Category:Pantheism]] [[Category:Polytheism]] 2zszupo1c30m26a78x2zdbu5cfqyizv 3157963 3157962 2022-08-25T22:13:56Z Coningsby 10755 /* K */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Shinto|Shinto]]''' ([[Japanese language|Japanese]]: 神道) or '''Shintoism''', is a [[religion]] that originated in [[Japan]]. Classified as an [[w:East Asian religions|East Asian religion]] by [[Religious studies|scholars of religion]], its practitioners often regard it as Japan's [[w:Indigenous religion|indigenous religion]] and as a [[nature religion]]. __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha}} ==Quotes== ===A=== *The chief ideas underlying Japanese myth are, firstly, the conception—piecemeal it is true, and inadequate—of the so-called inanimate universe as being really instinct with sentient life, and exercising a loving providential care over mankind; and secondly, the doctrine that honour and obedience are due to the sovereign whose beneficent rule secures to the people blessings comparable to that of the sun's light and warmth. For such, I take it, is the real meaning of the story by which the [[w:Emperor of Japan|Mikados]] are feigned to be descendants of the [[w:Amaterasu|Sun-Goddess]]. It is the Japanese version of the doctrine of the [[divine right of kings]]. Without these and similar vital elements Japanese myth would be nothing more than what some writers have supposed it, a farrago of absurdities, and its examination would belong not to the physiology, but to the pathology of the human mind. **[[w:William George Aston|William George Aston]], ''Shinto (The Way of the Gods)'' (1905), p. 82 ===G=== *Shintō, as a theanthropic religion, has culminated in [[w:Mikadoism|Mikadoism]] or the Worship of the Mikado or Japanese Emperor, as a divinity, during his lifetime as well as after his death, even in the ethical stage of its religious development... Herein lies even at the present day, in my opinion, the essence or life of Shintō, inseparably connected with the national ideals of the Japanese people. Japanese patriotism or loyalty, as you might call it, really is not simple patriotism or mere loyalty, as understood in the ordinary sense of the word, ''i.e.'', in the mere ethical sense of the term, it is more—it is the lofty self-denying enthusiastic sentiment of the Japanese people towards their august Ruler, believed to be something divine, rendering them capable of offering up anything and everything, all dearest to them, willingly, ''i.e.'', of their own free will; of sacrificing not only their wealth or property, but their own life itself, for the sake of their divinely gracious Sovereign... all this is nothing but the actual manifestation of the religious consciousness of the Japanese people. This sentiment is truly characteristic of Shintō as a religion. **Genchi Katō, ''A Study of Shintō: The Religion of the Japanese Nation'' (1926), pp. 206-207 *Thus, we see that the essence or life of Shintō is even today expressed in the peculiar religious patriotism of the Japanese people glorifying their Emperor as the centre of faith. So we venture to ''define'' Shintō, whose vital essence has never been languished, but is, on the contrary, strongly and ceaselessly active in the heart and mind of the Japanese people, as follows:—<br>''The vital essence of Shintō manifests itself as an expression of the unique spirit of the national service of the Japanese people, which is not only mere morality but is their religion, culminating in Mikadoism or their own peculiar form of loyalty or patriotism towards the Emperor, who at once political head and religious leader in a government constitutional yet theocraticopatriarchal.'' **Genchi Katō, ''A Study of Shintō: The Religion of the Japanese Nation'' (1926), pp. 207-208 ===H=== *We [i.e., the members of the Japanese race] who have been brought into existence through the creative spirits of the sacred ancestral ''[[w:Kami|kami]]'' are, each and every one, in spontaneous possession of the Way of the Gods. This means that we are equipped by nature with the virtues of reverence for the gods, for rulers and parents, with kindness toward wife and children, with the moral qualities which in [[Confucianism]] are called the five great ethical relationships (''gorin'') [i.e., those of ruler and subjects, parent and child, husband and wife, older and younger brothers, and friend with friend] and also with the five virtues (''gojō'') [i.e., benevolence, justice, propriety, wisdom, and faith], and to follow this nature just as it is, without bending or turning aside, is to conform to the teaching of the ''kami''. **[[w:Hirata Atsutane|Hirata Atsutane]], ''Zoku Shindō Taii'' ("The Great Principles of Shintō"); text in ''Shintō Daijiten'' ("The Shinto Encyclopaedia"), I (1937), p. 399, quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''Modern Japan and Shinto Nationalism: A Study of Present-Day Trends in Japanese Religions'' (1943; rev. edn., 1947), p. 16 *There are ten or a dozen good definitions of Shintō in existence, all varying more or less according to the individual viewpoints of those attempting the elucidation. For example: Shintō is the [[w:Indigenous religion|indigenous religion]] of the Japanese people; it is the Way of the Gods; it is "''[[w:Kami|kami]]''-cult," a form of definition in which ''kami'' signifies the [[w:List of Japanese deities|deities of Japan]] as distinct from those brought into the country through foreign contacts; it is [[w:Panpsychism|pan-psychism]] or [[w:Hylozoism|hylozoism]]; it is the racial spirit of the Japanese people (''[[w:Yamato-damashii|Yamato Damashii]]''); it is the sacred ceremonies conducted before the ''kami''; it is the essence of the principles of imperial rule; it is a system of correct social and political etiquette; it is the ideal national morality; it is a system of [[patriotism]] and loyalty centering in emperor worship (“[[w:Mikadoism|Mikadoism]]”); it is, in its pure and original form, a [[w:Nature worship|nature worship]]; or, over against this, Shintō, correctly understood, is [[w:Ancestor worship|ancestor worship]]; or, again, it is an intermixture of the worship of nature and of ancestors; and, lastly, it is, in its earliest stages, a lower [[w:Nature religion|nature religion]] in which are merged elements of [[w:Animism|animism]], naturism, and anthropolatry, evolving later into an advanced form of nature religion, and, finally, under the influence of [[Buddhism]] and [[Confucianism]], achieving speculative and ethical components of a high order. **[[w:D. C. Holtom|D. C. Holtom]], ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), pp. 5-6 *It was the indigenous religion of the ancient Japanese people and, as such, potent to foster and preserve convictions of racial uniqueness and destiny. It possessed an ancient and independent literature and ritual. It was fed by deep undercurrents of tradition and folklore welling up from the unconscious depths of the national life. At its core was an [[w:Ancestralism|ancestralism]] centering in a faith in the divine descent—and concomitantly the inalienable rights of suzerainty—of the [[w:Imperial House of Japan|Imperial Family]]. Shintō was manifestly indispensable to the unification of the disorganised country. **[[w:D. C. Holtom|D. C. Holtom]], ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), p. 54 ===K=== *Shintō, or Kamu-nagara, is a Way of Nature. This does not mean that it is a primitive and inferior nature worship. It means that Shintō is a spontaneous and real manifestation of the true nature of things, taking form in human affairs in proportion as this nature is given opportunity for sincere and unperverted expression. Thus, Shintō can be explained from the standpoint of the true, the good and the beautiful. **Kazusaku Kanzaki, ''Shintō Honkyoku no Kyōri'' ("The Doctrine of Shintō Honkyoku"), ''Uchü'' ("The Universe"), (January 1930), quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), p. 192 *The Truth of Shintō is to be seen in the inevitability of its underlying doctrine. This is apparent on consideration of the real significance of the great deities introduced in the oldest Yamato literature. [[w:Ame-no-Minakanushi|Ame-no-Minaka-Nushi-no-Kami]] (‘‘The Deity Who is Lord of the Center of Heaven’’), the first god named in the ''[[w:Kojiki|Kojiki]]'' is correctly understood as the central existence of the universe, the primary source of all things, both animate and inert. All the phenomena presented to human senses are the manifestations in time of this absolute god. The Absolute functions in time in the form of the two-fold creation ''[[w:Kami|kami]]'', [[w:Takamimusubi|Taka-Mimusubi-no-Kami]] and [[w:Kamimusubi|Kami-Musubi-no-Kami]]. These two beings represent activities of opposite kinds, from which the phenomenal world has had its rise. This positive-negative, or male-female, potency appears in Japanese history as the great father and mother of the race, [[w:Izanagi|Izanagi]] and [[w:Izanami|Izanami]], from whom is born the Sun Goddess, [[w:Amaterasu|Amaterasu-Ōmikami]], who in turn is the progenetrix of the [[w:Imperial House of Japan|Imperial Family]] and the [[w:Japanese people|Japanese people]]. Amaterasu-Ōmikami, in her position among the historical personages of Japan, is like the sun in heaven about which the planetary bodies revolve. The aptness of this solar metaphor accounts for the sun imagery of the early mythology. The statements just made point to undeniable facts in Japanese history. This is not a matter of mere chance or coincidence, but is so by inner necessity. This is the Truth of the Way of the Gods. **Kazusaku Kanzaki, ''Shintō Honkyoku no Kyōri'' ("The Doctrine of Shintō Honkyoku"), ''Uchü'' ("The Universe"), (January 1930), quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), pp. 192-193 *Another distinguishing characteristic of Shintō lies in what may be called its corporateness. In many other religions men as individuals are set over against the gods. In Shintō we are merged with our fellowmen about us and with the unseen host of ancestors that have gone before us and, as a great spiritual body, united with the divine. We are made of one line with the ''kami'' through our ancestors. We are united, divine and human, past and present, into a totality of warp and woof, interpenetrated and coherent... There are three things that are inseparable: our race which is our ancestral inheritance, our country which is our racial home and our faith wherewith our loyalties are sustained. This is the true Way of the Gods. **Kazusaku Kanzaki, ''Shintō Honkyoku no Kyōri'' ("The Doctrine of Shintō Honkyoku"), ''Uchü'' ("The Universe"), (January 1930), quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), pp. 193-194 *Shintō has been called the Wordless Way. This means that practice is more important than mere words, that the hand is mightier than the mouth, that deeds are weightier than rhetoric, that actualities are the greatest of arguments. This practical tendency reflects an inborn aptitude of the Japanese people. The finest expression of this passion for reality is in the patriotism with which we guard and promote the welfare of our country—a patriotism which, on the one hand, is centralized in devotion to our Imperial Family and which exalts our race and supports our homes and our magnificent national organization, on the other. All this is not a formal achievement, theoretically fostered with words, but is the natural registration of our racial characteristics, manifested in all its purity in the past, handed on unimpaired through our ancestors and maintained without flaw in the present. This is true Shintō. **Kazusaku Kanzaki, ''Shintō Honkyoku no Kyōri'' ("The Doctrine of Shintō Honkyoku"), ''Uchü'' ("The Universe"), (January 1930), quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), pp. 194-195 *Our Japanese race thus passed through a great testing in the time of [[w:Emperor Jimmu|Jimmu Tennō]]. Thereby were fostered a spiritual stability that never yields no matter what the hardships, a strong racial capacity for unification, and a reverential and worshipful faith in the Emperor, exalted to a religious character. These have come down through two thousand six hundred years as the very core of the Japanese national spirit. **[[w:Kan Kikuchi|Kan Kikuchi]], 'Nisen Roppyaku Nen Shishō ("Aspects of Two Thousand Six Hundred Years of Japanese History"), ''Shūhō'' ("Weekly Gazette") (7 February 1940), p. 46, quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''Modern Japan and Shinto Nationalism: A Study of Present-Day Trends in Japanese Religions'' (1943; rev. edn., 1947), p. 13 *He [The Emperor] is regarded as a living ''kami'', loved and revered by the nation above all things on earth, and himself loving and protecting the nation, who are deemed sons of ''Kami Nagara'' and are entrusted to his care by the ''kami''. This mutual understanding obtains between every individual Japanese and the Emperor. The Sovereign studies our needs and feels our sorrows. What more have we, then, to ask from the ''kami'' directly? Thus ''Shintō'' (doctrine of the ''kami'') is ''kundō'' (doctrine of the Emperor), for ''Shintōism'' is ''Mikadoism''; "the ''kami'''s will is the Emperor's will" is a maxim inscribed on the heart of every Japanese. Herein one may see the fountain-head of our patriotic spirit, whose marvellous activity has served to raise Japan in these fifty years to the level of the first-rate Powers of the world. **[[w:Kume Kunitake|Kume Kunitake]], ‘Japanese Religious Beliefs: ''Shintō''—the ''Kami''’, quoted in ''Fifty Years of New Japan (Kaikoku Gojūnen Shi), Volume II'', compiled by Count Shigénobu Ōkuma, edited by Marcus B. Huish (1909), p. 30 ===L=== *Shintō, as is well known, is a combination by the Japanese of the worship of nature and of their own ancestors. But the character of the combination is ethnologically instructive. For a lack of psychic development has made of these seemingly diverse elements a homegeneous whole. Both, of course, are aboriginal instincts. Next to the fear of natural phenomena, in point of primitiveness, comes the fear of one's father; as children and savages show. But races, like individuals, tend to outgrow it as they develop. Now the suggestive thing about the Japanese people is that this passing phase of religion has been perpetuated. The Japanese have stayed boys. Filial respect continued, and, by very virtue of not becoming less, became more, till it filled not only the whole sphere of morals but expanded into the sphere of cosmogony. To the Japanese eye the universe itself took on the paternal look. Parental awe which these people under stood lent explanation to natural dread which they did not. Quite simply to their minds the thunder and the wind, the sunshine and the shower were the work not only of anthropomorphic beings but of beings ancestrally related to themselves. In short Shintō, their explanation of things in general, is nothing else than the patriarchal principle projected without perspective into the past, dilating with distance into deity. **[[w:Percival Lowell|Percival Lowell]], 'Esoteric Shintō', ''Transactions of the Asiatic Society of Japan'', Vol. XXI (1893), pp. 106-107 ===N=== *A "Naturefolk" learns by intimate contact with nature that there is a healing power in the flower and the grass, in the mountains and streams, in the rain and the clouds. He comes to see gods working in these phenomena, and if they are of divine origi do they not contain goodly qualities? Why seek afar for the divine? It is even in the objects around you. They are good and just. Why seek elsewhere for justice and goodness? So, to live a natural life is to be just and good. There is no evil in nature. What seems to be evil is the tipping of the balance scale. Evil is immoderation. All natural appetites are good and they become evil only when indulged in to excess. This is Shinto, the Way of the Gods, naïve primitive teaching aboriginal to the soil of Japan. **[[w:Nitobe Inazō|Nitobe Inazō]], ''Lectures on Japan: An Outline of the Development of the Japanese People and Their Culture'' (1938), p. 115 ===Y=== *Students of this religion have been struck with the simplicity of its doctrine. It enforces no especial moral code, embraces no philosophical ideas, and, moreover, it has no authoritative books to guide believers. Its one peculiar feature is the relation it holds towards the [[w:Imperial House of Japan|Imperial Family of Japan]], whose ancestors are made the chief object of worship. This religion, if indeed it can rightly be called a religion at all, amounts to ancestor-worship—the apotheosis of the Japanese Imperial Family. This fact naturally brings about two results: one is that Shintō can never be propagated beyond the realms of the [[w:Emperor of Japan|Japanese Emperor]]; the other, that it has helped to a very great extent the growth of the spirit of loyalty of Japanese subjects toward their head, and has enshrined the Imperial Family with such a degree of sacredness and reverence that it would be difficult to name another ruling family which is looked up to by its subjects with the same amount of loyal homage and submissive veneration. It is, indeed, a unique circumstance in the history of the nations that, during the two thousand five hundred years of its sway, the position of the Japanese Imperial Family as head of the whole nation has never once been disputed, nor even questioned, by the people. Of course, it is true that the dynasty has experienced many vicissitudes, but, although the actual government has at times been in the hands of powerful nobles and [[w:Shogun|Shoguns]], the throne has, nevertheless, been always kept sacred for the descendants of [[w:Emperor Jimmu|Jimmu]], the first Emperor. **Yoshitarō Yamashita, "The Influence of Shintō and Buddhism in Japan", ''Transactions and Proceedings of the Japan Society of London'', Vol. IV (1897), p. 257, quoted in D. C. Holtom, ''The National Faith of Japan: A Study in Modern Shinto'' (1938), pp. 4-5 ==External links== {{Similarlinks}} [[Category:Pantheism]] [[Category:Polytheism]] fa3hwqvixr5451v0x3kxhfmd48e3zed 0 250223 3157846 2022-08-25T14:24:30Z A23423413 3125316 new wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Naomi Shihab Nye|Naomi Shihab Nye]]''' (Arabic: نعومي شهاب ناي; born March 12, 1952) is a Palestinian American poet, editor, songwriter, and novelist. == Quotes == === [https://www.aljadid.com/content/talking-poet-naomi-shihab-nye Interview] with Al Jadid (1996)=== *I always took writing as being a way of thinking. *Writing...helps us identify what makes the whole geography of our lives. *It has become very clear to me over the years that Americans, especially young Americans, need to be encouraged to listen to voices from elsewhere. Some of us grow up with the mistaken idea that ours is the only reading and writing culture, and that we are the only literary people in the world. Of course, the United Stated has one of the shortest literary histories in the world, so we need to be reminding children and students to be alert for voices from elsewhere *if you read the poems of someone somewhere you know a lot more about that country than you know if you just study its crops or weather conditions. *I don't understand how people can disconnect politics from daily life, because that's how politics count. We're daily life people and that's where politics become a reality to us. *Arab culture is full of great story tellers, and it is one of the favorite pastimes of Arab people. I think that there is a deep hunger in the human psyche for story and the nourishment it gives us. People don't live on one level chatter alone, rhetoric or just the conveyance of news. We need the threading and layering of a day that story gives us, and that's very much from the culture. *I would strongly suggest that bicultural families such as mine teach their children both languages from the beginning if they can. *Salma Khadra al-Jayusi has been instrumental in her role as a transmitter of Arabic literature. *Language is its own music. *I've always thought of song writing and poem writing as cousins. *Part of the role of the writer is to encourage other people to discover their voices. *I think people who work on translation projects think that they're somehow peace negotiators because the belief is that we'll never stop killing one another until we understand and see one another as human beings. I think that's true. That's why it is very important to me to receive responses to poems like that from Israeli or Jewish poets; they're even more important than responses from Arab poets. When I get responses from an Israeli Jewish poet saying "I'm listening, I'm sorry, I don't like this either," that matters to me a lot. == Quotes about Naomi Shihab Nye == == External links== {{wikipedia}} [[:Category:Living people]] 1qyay13nwhdb26x1okz11h4wwbw4lbz 3157871 3157846 2022-08-25T16:19:02Z UDScott 4304 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Naomishihabnye (cropped).jpg|thumb|Naomi Shihab Nye]] '''[[w:Naomi Shihab Nye|Naomi Shihab Nye]]''' (Arabic: نعومي شهاب ناي; born March 12, 1952) is a Palestinian American poet, editor, songwriter, and novelist. == Quotes == === [https://www.aljadid.com/content/talking-poet-naomi-shihab-nye Interview] with Al Jadid (1996)=== *I always took writing as being a way of thinking. *Writing...helps us identify what makes the whole geography of our lives. *It has become very clear to me over the years that Americans, especially young Americans, need to be encouraged to listen to voices from elsewhere. Some of us grow up with the mistaken idea that ours is the only reading and writing culture, and that we are the only literary people in the world. Of course, the United Stated has one of the shortest literary histories in the world, so we need to be reminding children and students to be alert for voices from elsewhere *if you read the poems of someone somewhere you know a lot more about that country than you know if you just study its crops or weather conditions. *I don't understand how people can disconnect politics from daily life, because that's how politics count. We're daily life people and that's where politics become a reality to us. *Arab culture is full of great story tellers, and it is one of the favorite pastimes of Arab people. I think that there is a deep hunger in the human psyche for story and the nourishment it gives us. People don't live on one level chatter alone, rhetoric or just the conveyance of news. We need the threading and layering of a day that story gives us, and that's very much from the culture. *I would strongly suggest that bicultural families such as mine teach their children both languages from the beginning if they can. *Salma Khadra al-Jayusi has been instrumental in her role as a transmitter of Arabic literature. *Language is its own music. *I've always thought of song writing and poem writing as cousins. *Part of the role of the writer is to encourage other people to discover their voices. *I think people who work on translation projects think that they're somehow peace negotiators because the belief is that we'll never stop killing one another until we understand and see one another as human beings. I think that's true. That's why it is very important to me to receive responses to poems like that from Israeli or Jewish poets; they're even more important than responses from Arab poets. When I get responses from an Israeli Jewish poet saying "I'm listening, I'm sorry, I don't like this either," that matters to me a lot. == External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Nye, Naomi Shihab}} [[Category:Living people]] lof6u51oqeyymie4jjv1x4k0t0bvqdx 3157873 3157871 2022-08-25T16:20:01Z UDScott 4304 + 8 categories using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Naomishihabnye (cropped).jpg|thumb|Naomi Shihab Nye]] '''[[w:Naomi Shihab Nye|Naomi Shihab Nye]]''' (Arabic: نعومي شهاب ناي; born March 12, 1952) is a Palestinian American poet, editor, songwriter, and novelist. == Quotes == === [https://www.aljadid.com/content/talking-poet-naomi-shihab-nye Interview] with Al Jadid (1996)=== *I always took writing as being a way of thinking. *Writing...helps us identify what makes the whole geography of our lives. *It has become very clear to me over the years that Americans, especially young Americans, need to be encouraged to listen to voices from elsewhere. Some of us grow up with the mistaken idea that ours is the only reading and writing culture, and that we are the only literary people in the world. Of course, the United Stated has one of the shortest literary histories in the world, so we need to be reminding children and students to be alert for voices from elsewhere *if you read the poems of someone somewhere you know a lot more about that country than you know if you just study its crops or weather conditions. *I don't understand how people can disconnect politics from daily life, because that's how politics count. We're daily life people and that's where politics become a reality to us. *Arab culture is full of great story tellers, and it is one of the favorite pastimes of Arab people. I think that there is a deep hunger in the human psyche for story and the nourishment it gives us. People don't live on one level chatter alone, rhetoric or just the conveyance of news. We need the threading and layering of a day that story gives us, and that's very much from the culture. *I would strongly suggest that bicultural families such as mine teach their children both languages from the beginning if they can. *Salma Khadra al-Jayusi has been instrumental in her role as a transmitter of Arabic literature. *Language is its own music. *I've always thought of song writing and poem writing as cousins. *Part of the role of the writer is to encourage other people to discover their voices. *I think people who work on translation projects think that they're somehow peace negotiators because the belief is that we'll never stop killing one another until we understand and see one another as human beings. I think that's true. That's why it is very important to me to receive responses to poems like that from Israeli or Jewish poets; they're even more important than responses from Arab poets. When I get responses from an Israeli Jewish poet saying "I'm listening, I'm sorry, I don't like this either," that matters to me a lot. == External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Nye, Naomi Shihab}} [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Poets from the United States]] [[Category:Editors from the United States]] [[Category:Songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Novelists from the United States]] [[Category:American women]] [[Category:Women authors]] [[Category:People from St. Louis]] [[Category:1952 births]] mt2svmxcyzy9l5rrktwfsdhdz1fnxgt 0 250224 3157901 2022-08-25T17:40:00Z Illegitimate Barrister 549904 Created page with "'''Stellantis North America''' (formerly '''Chrysler''') is one of the "Big Three" automobile manufacturers in the United States, headquartered in Auburn Hills, Michigan. It is the U.S. subsidiary of multinational automotive company Stellantis. {{stub}} ==Quotes== *Hop in my Chrysler, it's as big as a whale and it's about to set sail. **[[The B-52's]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXZFtJceQC4 "Love Shack"], ''Cosmic Thing'' (1989) ==External links== *{{Wikipedia-inli..." wikitext text/x-wiki '''Stellantis North America''' (formerly '''Chrysler''') is one of the "Big Three" automobile manufacturers in the United States, headquartered in Auburn Hills, Michigan. It is the U.S. subsidiary of multinational automotive company Stellantis. {{stub}} ==Quotes== *Hop in my Chrysler, it's as big as a whale and it's about to set sail. **[[The B-52's]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXZFtJceQC4 "Love Shack"], ''Cosmic Thing'' (1989) ==External links== *{{Wikipedia-inline}} [[Category:Companies of the United States]] 46m8avdhv6ojq59eke94ldb2l6hf8pf 3157902 3157901 2022-08-25T17:40:10Z Illegitimate Barrister 549904 /* Quotes */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''Stellantis North America''' (formerly '''Chrysler''') is one of the "Big Three" automobile manufacturers in the United States, headquartered in Auburn Hills, Michigan. It is the U.S. subsidiary of multinational automotive company Stellantis. {{stub}} ==Quotes== *Hop in my Chrysler, it's as big as a whale and it's about to set sail. **[[w:The B-52's|The B-52's]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXZFtJceQC4 "Love Shack"], ''Cosmic Thing'' (1989) ==External links== *{{Wikipedia-inline}} [[Category:Companies of the United States]] 2oylm5n4itnx9x4g6emmj5noj2pg4h1 3157904 3157902 2022-08-25T17:40:32Z Illegitimate Barrister 549904 added [[Category:Cars]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki '''Stellantis North America''' (formerly '''Chrysler''') is one of the "Big Three" automobile manufacturers in the United States, headquartered in Auburn Hills, Michigan. It is the U.S. subsidiary of multinational automotive company Stellantis. {{stub}} ==Quotes== *Hop in my Chrysler, it's as big as a whale and it's about to set sail. **[[w:The B-52's|The B-52's]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXZFtJceQC4 "Love Shack"], ''Cosmic Thing'' (1989) ==External links== *{{Wikipedia-inline}} [[Category:Companies of the United States]] [[Category:Cars]] 1w5q6x5xe8pglhsdnjppgg4937p6nn6 3157905 3157904 2022-08-25T17:40:42Z Illegitimate Barrister 549904 wikitext text/x-wiki '''Stellantis North America''' (formerly '''Chrysler''') is one of the "Big Three" automobile manufacturers in the United States, headquartered in Auburn Hills, Michigan. It is the U.S. subsidiary of multinational automotive company Stellantis. {{stub-car}} ==Quotes== *Hop in my Chrysler, it's as big as a whale and it's about to set sail. **[[w:The B-52's|The B-52's]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXZFtJceQC4 "Love Shack"], ''Cosmic Thing'' (1989) ==External links== *{{Wikipedia-inline}} [[Category:Companies of the United States]] [[Category:Cars]] 6cqoipfx7f9d1lbrtco1zlex4qw33t8 3157906 3157905 2022-08-25T17:40:48Z Illegitimate Barrister 549904 wikitext text/x-wiki '''Stellantis North America''' (formerly '''Chrysler''') is one of the "Big Three" automobile manufacturers in the United States, headquartered in Auburn Hills, Michigan. It is the U.S. subsidiary of multinational automotive company Stellantis. {{stub}} ==Quotes== *Hop in my Chrysler, it's as big as a whale and it's about to set sail. **[[w:The B-52's|The B-52's]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXZFtJceQC4 "Love Shack"], ''Cosmic Thing'' (1989) ==External links== *{{Wikipedia-inline}} [[Category:Companies of the United States]] [[Category:Cars]] 1w5q6x5xe8pglhsdnjppgg4937p6nn6 3157907 3157906 2022-08-25T17:40:57Z Illegitimate Barrister 549904 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Stellantis North America|Stellantis North America]]''' (formerly '''Chrysler''') is one of the "Big Three" automobile manufacturers in the United States, headquartered in Auburn Hills, Michigan. It is the U.S. subsidiary of multinational automotive company Stellantis. {{stub}} ==Quotes== *Hop in my Chrysler, it's as big as a whale and it's about to set sail. **[[w:The B-52's|The B-52's]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXZFtJceQC4 "Love Shack"], ''Cosmic Thing'' (1989) ==External links== *{{Wikipedia-inline}} [[Category:Companies of the United States]] [[Category:Cars]] q8xvya1zibvg6ek0biqhzvvove0e0lp 3157908 3157907 2022-08-25T17:42:22Z Illegitimate Barrister 549904 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Stellantis North America|Stellantis North America]]''' (formerly '''Chrysler''') is one of the "Big Three" automobile manufacturers in the United States, headquartered in Auburn Hills, Michigan. It is the U.S. subsidiary of multinational automotive company Stellantis. {{stub}} ==Quotes== *Hop in my Chrysler, it's as big as a whale and it's about to set sail. **[[w:The B-52's|The B-52's]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXZFtJceQC4 "Love Shack"], ''Cosmic Thing'' (1989), Reprise Records ==External links== *{{Wikipedia-inline}} [[Category:Companies of the United States]] [[Category:Cars]] ilcc74n26ab1u5hzz87g1d3mk88pqus 0 250226 3157973 2022-08-25T22:33:03Z HearthHOTS 3120771 Created page with "'''Joseph Rosenbaum''' was the first person killed by [[Kyle Rittenhouse]]. ==About== *We just spent a lot of time talking, getting to know one another, and laughing and joking around. He was a very animated person like that.<br>He wasn’t down there as a rioter or a looter<br>Why was he there? I have no answer. I ask myself that question every day.<br>I did explain to him that things had gotten bad the last few days because he was not in town and did tell him explicit..." wikitext text/x-wiki '''Joseph Rosenbaum''' was the first person killed by [[Kyle Rittenhouse]]. ==About== *We just spent a lot of time talking, getting to know one another, and laughing and joking around. He was a very animated person like that.<br>He wasn’t down there as a rioter or a looter<br>Why was he there? I have no answer. I ask myself that question every day.<br>I did explain to him that things had gotten bad the last few days because he was not in town and did tell him explicitly not to go downtown.<br>There was the mark where Joe had been laying.<br>I put my hand in it, and my hand was wet with his blood and that’s when, again, I collapsed on the ground. **5 November 2021 testimony by fiancee Kariann Swart [https://www.courthousenews.com/rittenhouse-victims-fiancee-testifies-on-day-4-of-protester-shooters-homicide-trial/ per Courthouse News] and [https://www.cnn.com/2021/11/01/us/kyle-rittenhouse-shooting-victims-trial/index.html CNN transcript] and [https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-kyle-rittenhouse-murder-trial-relatives-men-killed-20211105-uxf3g2a4yfa4jk2lew4c24f6rq-story.html Chicago Tribune] *I took off the Black Lives Matter t-shirt I chose that night to blend in with the crowd and used it to stanch the wounds on the first shooting victim: Joseph Rosenbaum.<br>"It's gonna be okay, bro," I told Rosenbaum. "We're gonna have a beer after this and laugh about it."<br>It was hard to hear my voice over the sounds of Rosenbaum struggling to breathe and gargling blood instead. **25 August 2022 by Richie McGinniss in [https://www.newsweek.com/kyle-rittenhouse-kenosha-shooting-black-lives-matter-1736869 Newsweek article] 3j3btc6s3ue8wav9u1u5mxri7yzikqp 3157975 3157973 2022-08-25T22:35:05Z HearthHOTS 3120771 wikitext text/x-wiki '''Joseph Rosenbaum''' was the first person killed by [[Kyle Rittenhouse]]. ==About== *We just spent a lot of time talking, getting to know one another, and laughing and joking around. He was a very animated person like that.<br>He wasn’t down there as a rioter or a looter<br>Why was he there? I have no answer. I ask myself that question every day.<br>I did explain to him that things had gotten bad the last few days because he was not in town and did tell him explicitly not to go downtown.<br>There was the mark where Joe had been laying.<br>I put my hand in it, and my hand was wet with his blood and that’s when, again, I collapsed on the ground. **5 November 2021 testimony by fiancee Kariann Swart [https://www.courthousenews.com/rittenhouse-victims-fiancee-testifies-on-day-4-of-protester-shooters-homicide-trial/ per Courthouse News] and [https://www.cnn.com/2021/11/01/us/kyle-rittenhouse-shooting-victims-trial/index.html CNN transcript] and [https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-kyle-rittenhouse-murder-trial-relatives-men-killed-20211105-uxf3g2a4yfa4jk2lew4c24f6rq-story.html Chicago Tribune] *Huber and Joseph Rosenbaum are victims. They should be alive today.<br>The only reason they’re not is because a violent, dangerous man chose to take a gun across state lines and start shooting people.<br>To call this a miscarriage of justice is an understatement. **19 November 2021 [https://twitter.com/NYCMayor/status/1461761720939167745 tweet] by outgoing NY mayor [[Bill de Blasio]] *I took off the Black Lives Matter t-shirt I chose that night to blend in with the crowd and used it to stanch the wounds on the first shooting victim: Joseph Rosenbaum.<br>"It's gonna be okay, bro," I told Rosenbaum. "We're gonna have a beer after this and laugh about it."<br>It was hard to hear my voice over the sounds of Rosenbaum struggling to breathe and gargling blood instead. **25 August 2022 by Richie McGinniss in [https://www.newsweek.com/kyle-rittenhouse-kenosha-shooting-black-lives-matter-1736869 Newsweek article] 62lhw8lmr1led4vplkci0g5k2l6w2g5 3157998 3157975 2022-08-25T23:18:30Z HearthHOTS 3120771 wikitext text/x-wiki '''Joseph Rosenbaum''' was the first person killed by [[Kyle Rittenhouse]]. ==About== *We just spent a lot of time talking, getting to know one another, and laughing and joking around. He was a very animated person like that.<br>He wasn’t down there as a rioter or a looter<br>Why was he there? I have no answer. I ask myself that question every day.<br>I did explain to him that things had gotten bad the last few days because he was not in town and did tell him explicitly not to go downtown.<br>There was the mark where Joe had been laying.<br>I put my hand in it, and my hand was wet with his blood and that’s when, again, I collapsed on the ground. **5 November 2021 testimony by fiancee Kariann Swart [https://www.courthousenews.com/rittenhouse-victims-fiancee-testifies-on-day-4-of-protester-shooters-homicide-trial/ per Courthouse News] and [https://www.cnn.com/2021/11/01/us/kyle-rittenhouse-shooting-victims-trial/index.html CNN transcript] and [https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-kyle-rittenhouse-murder-trial-relatives-men-killed-20211105-uxf3g2a4yfa4jk2lew4c24f6rq-story.html Chicago Tribune] *Huber and Joseph Rosenbaum are victims. They should be alive today.<br>The only reason they’re not is because a violent, dangerous man chose to take a gun across state lines and start shooting people.<br>To call this a miscarriage of justice is an understatement. **19 November 2021 [https://twitter.com/NYCMayor/status/1461761720939167745 tweet] by outgoing NY mayor [[Bill de Blasio]] *I took off the Black Lives Matter t-shirt I chose that night to blend in with the crowd and used it to stanch the wounds on the first shooting victim: Joseph Rosenbaum.<br>"It's gonna be okay, bro," I told Rosenbaum. "We're gonna have a beer after this and laugh about it."<br>It was hard to hear my voice over the sounds of Rosenbaum struggling to breathe and gargling blood instead.<br>I arrived at the scene of the shooting. I tried to retrace my steps. There was no memorial for Rosenbaum or Huber. **25 August 2022 by Richie McGinniss in [https://www.newsweek.com/kyle-rittenhouse-kenosha-shooting-black-lives-matter-1736869 Newsweek article] na1fh7wsm7y88js2o7y2qufsshr8fp1 3157999 3157998 2022-08-25T23:18:43Z HearthHOTS 3120771 /* About */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''Joseph Rosenbaum''' was the first person killed by [[Kyle Rittenhouse]]. ==About== *We just spent a lot of time talking, getting to know one another, and laughing and joking around. He was a very animated person like that.<br>He wasn’t down there as a rioter or a looter<br>Why was he there? I have no answer. I ask myself that question every day.<br>I did explain to him that things had gotten bad the last few days because he was not in town and did tell him explicitly not to go downtown.<br>There was the mark where Joe had been laying.<br>I put my hand in it, and my hand was wet with his blood and that’s when, again, I collapsed on the ground. **5 November 2021 testimony by fiancee Kariann Swart [https://www.courthousenews.com/rittenhouse-victims-fiancee-testifies-on-day-4-of-protester-shooters-homicide-trial/ per Courthouse News] and [https://www.cnn.com/2021/11/01/us/kyle-rittenhouse-shooting-victims-trial/index.html CNN transcript] and [https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-kyle-rittenhouse-murder-trial-relatives-men-killed-20211105-uxf3g2a4yfa4jk2lew4c24f6rq-story.html Chicago Tribune] *Huber and Joseph Rosenbaum are victims. They should be alive today.<br>The only reason they’re not is because a violent, dangerous man chose to take a gun across state lines and start shooting people.<br>To call this a miscarriage of justice is an understatement. **19 November 2021 [https://twitter.com/NYCMayor/status/1461761720939167745 tweet] by outgoing NY mayor [[Bill de Blasio]] *I took off the Black Lives Matter t-shirt I chose that night to blend in with the crowd and used it to stanch the wounds on the first shooting victim: Joseph Rosenbaum.<br>"It's gonna be okay, bro," I told Rosenbaum. "We're gonna have a beer after this and laugh about it."<br>It was hard to hear my voice over the sounds of Rosenbaum struggling to breathe and gargling blood instead.<br>I arrived at the scene of the shooting. I tried to retrace my steps. There was no memorial for Rosenbaum or Huber. **25 August 2022 by [[Richie McGinniss]] in [https://www.newsweek.com/kyle-rittenhouse-kenosha-shooting-black-lives-matter-1736869 Newsweek article] ore6qrxlc28g94k0k4kykkjb7c3qh0n 0 250227 3157977 2022-08-25T22:38:03Z HearthHOTS 3120771 Created page with "'''Richie MgGinniss''' is a reporter who witnessed the death of [[Joseph Rosenbaum]] at the hands of [[Kyle Rittenhouse]]. ==Quotes== *he'd been convicted of having sex with a minor, in 2002—who'd had it coming. **25 August 2022 in [https://www.newsweek.com/kyle-rittenhouse-kenosha-shooting-black-lives-matter-1736869 Newsweek] about Rosenbaum" wikitext text/x-wiki '''Richie MgGinniss''' is a reporter who witnessed the death of [[Joseph Rosenbaum]] at the hands of [[Kyle Rittenhouse]]. ==Quotes== *he'd been convicted of having sex with a minor, in 2002—who'd had it coming. **25 August 2022 in [https://www.newsweek.com/kyle-rittenhouse-kenosha-shooting-black-lives-matter-1736869 Newsweek] about Rosenbaum g49t1c6togwtdtv4wntnf0szhsi8cut 2 250228 3157989 2022-08-25T23:02:53Z Greghenderson2006 3053990 Added to page for the first time. wikitext text/x-wiki This is Greg Henderson's User Page. 9s3i84hpqxrwj2zxvf773bsemzjpvrc 0 250229 3158006 2022-08-25T23:34:19Z Kalki 71 Redirected page to [[Semantics]] wikitext text/x-wiki #Redirect [[Semantics]] mkodbke40113xtisx2heoaigd2avf0u 4 250230 3158014 2022-08-26T00:01:17Z Kalki 71 Created page with "{| style="background: {{{color}}}" | align=center | [[File:Christopher Isherwood 5 Allan Warren.jpg|242px]] | align=center | &nbsp; | align=center | {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> Christopher would find himself [[able]] to believe — as a [[possibility]], at least — that an [[eternal]] impersonal [[presence]] (call it "the [[soul]]" if you like) exists within [[all]] creatures and is other than the mutable non-eternal "[[person]]." He would then fee..." wikitext text/x-wiki {| style="background: {{{color}}}" | align=center | [[File:Christopher Isherwood 5 Allan Warren.jpg|242px]] | align=center | &nbsp; | align=center | {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> Christopher would find himself [[able]] to believe — as a [[possibility]], at least — that an [[eternal]] impersonal [[presence]] (call it "the [[soul]]" if you like) exists within [[all]] creatures and is other than the mutable non-eternal "[[person]]." He would then feel that all his earlier difficulties had been merely [[semantic]]; that he could have been converted to this belief at any time in his [[life]], if only someone had used the right [[words]] to [[explain]] it to him. Now, I [[doubt]] this. I doubt if one ever [[accepts]] a [[belief]] until one urgently [[needs]] it. | author = Christopher Isherwood }} | align=center | &nbsp; | align=center | [[File:Brocken-tanzawa2.JPG|292px]] |} qyaemaqxrvf5bpd66v19bw21nzmycj0 3158015 3158014 2022-08-26T00:02:23Z Kalki 71 wikitext text/x-wiki {| style="background: {{{color}}}" | align=center | [[File:Christopher Isherwood 5 Allan Warren.jpg|242px]] | align=center | &nbsp; | align=center | {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> Christopher would find himself [[able]] to believe — as a [[possibility]], at least — that an [[eternal]] impersonal [[presence]] (call it "the [[soul]]" if you like) exists within [[all]] creatures and is other than the mutable non-eternal "[[person]]." He would then feel that all his earlier difficulties had been merely [[semantic]]; that he could have been converted to this belief at any time in his [[life]], if only someone had used the right [[words]] to [[explain]] it to him. [[Now]], I [[doubt]] this. I doubt if one ever [[accepts]] a [[belief]] until one urgently [[needs]] it. | author = Christopher Isherwood }} | align=center | &nbsp; | align=center | [[File:Brocken-tanzawa2.JPG|292px]] |} khgf7b90xgmkxaxf37aabd82dxx8vrl 1 250231 3158030 2022-08-26T00:40:54Z Eaglestorm 16205 Created page with "{{quotation limit|type=film|length=113 min}}" wikitext text/x-wiki {{quotation limit|type=film|length=113 min}} 8f1p18bjhrm9ivjh1k6z9pe91n1pzbp 1 250232 3158034 2022-08-26T00:49:22Z Eaglestorm 16205 Created page with "{{quotation limit|type=film|length=120 min}}" wikitext text/x-wiki {{quotation limit|type=film|length=120 min}} eop78oeqtfzzadx2jimkyej4xx5zntx 1 250233 3158036 2022-08-26T00:52:58Z Eaglestorm 16205 Created page with "{{quotation limit|type=film|length=125 min}}" wikitext text/x-wiki {{quotation limit|type=film|length=125 min}} c51g9wxvmvotrae4vhd39b5kjfoyfpm 0 250234 3158041 2022-08-26T01:05:44Z Spectrallights 3119938 Created page with "'''''[[w:My Date with the President's Daughter|My Date with the President's Daughter]]''''' is a 1998 American [[w:television film|made-for-television]] [[w:romantic comedy|romantic comedy film]] produced by [[w:Walt Disney Television|Walt Disney Television]] and premiered as part of [[w:ABC|ABC]]'s revival of [[w:The Wonderful World of Disney|The Wonderful World of Disney]]. Hallie Richmond, the overprotected sixteen-year-old daughter of the President of the United Sta..." wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:My Date with the President's Daughter|My Date with the President's Daughter]]''''' is a 1998 American [[w:television film|made-for-television]] [[w:romantic comedy|romantic comedy film]] produced by [[w:Walt Disney Television|Walt Disney Television]] and premiered as part of [[w:ABC|ABC]]'s revival of [[w:The Wonderful World of Disney|The Wonderful World of Disney]]. Hallie Richmond, the overprotected sixteen-year-old daughter of the President of the United States, just wants to go out on a date. She meets geeky Duncan, who isn't aware of her identity, and the two manage to slip away from [[w:United States Secret Service|Secret Service]] agents for a wild night out. {{center|''Written by [[w:Alex Zamm|Alex Zamm]] and William Robertson. Directed by Alex Zamm.}}<br> {{center|'''She's five minutes late, alert the National Guard.''' tagline.}} == Dialogue == : '''Hallie''': Come on, I want you to meet Daddy. : '''Duncan''': You mean the President?... Of our country? <hr width="50%"/> : '''Duncan''': ''[after buying a $730 outfit]'' What's your policy on returning items? : '''Store Clerk''': There's no return on sale items. : '''Duncan''': Heh. Heh. ''[sobs]'' <hr width="50%"/> : '''Duncan''': I'll pick you up at seven. Where do you live? : '''Hallie''': Oh, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. It's a big white house, you can't miss it. <hr width="50%"/> : '''President Richmond''': I'm not trying to keep her locked up, Carol. Just we have some special...circumstances here. It's not as if she's just some ordinary girl. : '''Carol Richmond''': See? You see? That's just it. She *is* an ordinary girl. Face it George, we are the parents of a real-live, full-fledged teenager! And instance like this are going to happen more often if we try to keep her locked up in an ivory tower. : '''President Richmond''': What about security? : '''Carol Richmond''': That's what the Secret Service are for. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Duncan''': Hallie, uh, why didn't you tell me you were the President's daughter? : '''Hallie''': Oh that must've slipped my mind. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Hallie''': What are your parents gonna do when you get home tonight? : '''Duncan''': Grounded. For Life. No allowance. Oh, and I get to lick the garage clean once a week forever, plus a month. : '''Hallie''': And I won't be allowed to date until I get married. So what difference does it make if we turn ourselves in? Just wait a few more hours. I mean, how much more trouble could we possibly get into? Duncan, this is our last night of freedom. Our last night. Let's at least go to the dance. : '''Duncan''': You know something, Hallie? You're right. You are absolutely right. We should go to that dance because, tomorrow, I'm dead. So why not go now, enjoy the evening, then tomorrow, we kiss the teen years goodbye. Let's go to the dance! <hr width="50%"/> : '''Duncan''': New clothes? Why? What's wrong with the clothes you have on? : '''Hallie''': Duncan! Look at me. : '''Duncan''': What? I think you look nice. : '''Hallie''': I don't wanna look nice. I wanna look...HOT! <hr width="50%"/> : '''Hallie''': ''[off-screen, sing-song voice]'' Ohhhh, Duncan. : '''Duncan''': ''[exasperated]'' Not more dresses. : ''[the curtain pulls back as Hallie steps out of the dressing room, now wearing a sexy bubblegum-pink minidress. She pulls out her hairpin and shakes her hair loose as Duncan stares in awe]'' : '''Hallie''': Well, Duncan, whaddaya think? : ''[She does a 360 twirl to let Duncan take it all in]'' : '''Duncan''': Whoa... <hr width="50%"/> : '''Duncan''': You seem to think that having a normal life is really glamorous, it's not. You wake up in the morning, you go to school, your teachers hassle you, you go home, your parents hassle you, you wake up in the morning, you do it all over again. Having a normal life, it's...really boring. I mean, look at you. You jet-set around the world, you meet really famous people... : '''Hallie''': And every moment of every day is planned and scheduled for me. I mean, I don't even have time to have a boring moment. : '''Duncan''': Not too many of those either since I met you. == Duncan == * ''[repeated line]'' What about the dance? * ''[sees his dad's stolen company car drive past him with three cops behind it]'' I really hate my life. == Cast == * [[w:Elisabeth Harnois|Elisabeth Harnois]] as Hallie Richmond * [[w:Will Friedle|Will Friedle]] as Duncan Fletcher * [[w:Dabney Coleman|Dabney Coleman]] as President Richmond * [[w:Mimi Kuzyk|Mimi Kuzyk]] as Carol Richmond * [[w:Jay Thomas|Jay Thomas]] as Charles Fletcher * Wanda Cannon as Rita Fletcher * [[w:Polly Shannon|Polly Shannon]] as store clerk * [[w:Frank Moore (Canadian actor)|Frank Moore]] as Dan Thornhill * [[w:Paulo Costanzo|Paulo Costanzo]] as Arthur * Howard Jerome as Larry * [[w:Ron Reagan|Ron Reagan]] as guard == External links == ''[https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0151683/quotes My Date with the President's Daughter quotes]'' at the [[w:Internet Movie Database|Internet Movie Database]] [[Category: American films]] [[Category: 1998 films]] [[Category: Television films]] [[Category: Comedy television films]] [[Category: Comedy films]] 97m8gktpoy4tem0umcdj9vsy365wupz 3158042 3158041 2022-08-26T01:06:14Z Spectrallights 3119938 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:My Date with the President's Daughter|My Date with the President's Daughter]]''''' is a 1998 American [[w:television film|made-for-television]] [[w:romantic comedy|romantic comedy film]] produced by [[w:Walt Disney Television|Walt Disney Television]] and premiered as part of [[w:ABC|ABC]]'s revival of [[w:The Wonderful World of Disney|The Wonderful World of Disney]]. Hallie Richmond, the overprotected sixteen-year-old daughter of the President of the United States, just wants to go out on a date. She meets geeky Duncan, who isn't aware of her identity, and the two manage to slip away from [[w:United States Secret Service|Secret Service]] agents for a wild night out. {{center|''Written by [[w:Alex Zamm|Alex Zamm]] and William Robertson. Directed by Alex Zamm.}}<br> {{center|'''She's five minutes late, alert the National Guard.''' tagline.}} == Dialogue == : '''Hallie''': Come on, I want you to meet Daddy. : '''Duncan''': You mean the President?... Of our country? <hr width="50%"/> : '''Duncan''': ''[after buying a $730 outfit]'' What's your policy on returning items? : '''Store Clerk''': There's no return on sale items. : '''Duncan''': Heh. Heh. ''[sobs]'' <hr width="50%"/> : '''Duncan''': I'll pick you up at seven. Where do you live? : '''Hallie''': Oh, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. It's a big white house, you can't miss it. <hr width="50%"/> : '''President Richmond''': I'm not trying to keep her locked up, Carol. Just we have some special...circumstances here. It's not as if she's just some ordinary girl. : '''Carol Richmond''': See? You see? That's just it. She *is* an ordinary girl. Face it George, we are the parents of a real-live, full-fledged teenager! And instance like this are going to happen more often if we try to keep her locked up in an ivory tower. : '''President Richmond''': What about security? : '''Carol Richmond''': That's what the Secret Service are for. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Duncan''': Hallie, uh, why didn't you tell me you were the President's daughter? : '''Hallie''': Oh that must've slipped my mind. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Hallie''': What are your parents gonna do when you get home tonight? : '''Duncan''': Grounded. For Life. No allowance. Oh, and I get to lick the garage clean once a week forever, plus a month. : '''Hallie''': And I won't be allowed to date until I get married. So what difference does it make if we turn ourselves in? Just wait a few more hours. I mean, how much more trouble could we possibly get into? Duncan, this is our last night of freedom. Our last night. Let's at least go to the dance. : '''Duncan''': You know something, Hallie? You're right. You are absolutely right. We should go to that dance because, tomorrow, I'm dead. So why not go now, enjoy the evening, then tomorrow, we kiss the teen years goodbye. Let's go to the dance! <hr width="50%"/> : '''Duncan''': New clothes? Why? What's wrong with the clothes you have on? : '''Hallie''': Duncan! Look at me. : '''Duncan''': What? I think you look nice. : '''Hallie''': I don't wanna look nice. I wanna look...HOT! <hr width="50%"/> : '''Hallie''': ''[off-screen, sing-song voice]'' Ohhhh, Duncan. : '''Duncan''': ''[exasperated]'' Not more dresses. : ''[the curtain pulls back as Hallie steps out of the dressing room, now wearing a sexy bubblegum-pink minidress. She pulls out her hairpin and shakes her hair loose as Duncan stares in awe]'' : '''Hallie''': Well, Duncan, whaddaya think? : ''[She does a 360 twirl to let Duncan take it all in]'' : '''Duncan''': Whoa... <hr width="50%"/> : '''Duncan''': You seem to think that having a normal life is really glamorous, it's not. You wake up in the morning, you go to school, your teachers hassle you, you go home, your parents hassle you, you wake up in the morning, you do it all over again. Having a normal life, it's...really boring. I mean, look at you. You jet-set around the world, you meet really famous people... : '''Hallie''': And every moment of every day is planned and scheduled for me. I mean, I don't even have time to have a boring moment. : '''Duncan''': Not too many of those either since I met you. == Duncan == * ''[repeated line]'' What about the dance? * ''[sees his dad's stolen company car drive past him with three cops behind it]'' I really hate my life. == Cast == * [[w:Elisabeth Harnois|Elisabeth Harnois]] as Hallie Richmond * [[w:Will Friedle|Will Friedle]] as Duncan Fletcher * [[w:Dabney Coleman|Dabney Coleman]] as President Richmond * [[w:Mimi Kuzyk|Mimi Kuzyk]] as Carol Richmond * [[w:Jay Thomas|Jay Thomas]] as Charles Fletcher * Wanda Cannon as Rita Fletcher * [[w:Polly Shannon|Polly Shannon]] as store clerk * [[w:Frank Moore (Canadian actor)|Frank Moore]] as Dan Thornhill * [[w:Paulo Costanzo|Paulo Costanzo]] as Arthur * Howard Jerome as Larry * [[w:Ron Reagan|Ron Reagan]] as guard == External links == ''[https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0151683/quotes My Date with the President's Daughter]'' quotes at the [[w:Internet Movie Database|Internet Movie Database]] [[Category: American films]] [[Category: 1998 films]] [[Category: Television films]] [[Category: Comedy television films]] [[Category: Comedy films]] jeo60d9plo4ultpdi0kz2c0kaopa8k9 3158049 3158042 2022-08-26T02:23:11Z Spectrallights 3119938 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:My Date with the President's Daughter|My Date with the President's Daughter]]''''' is a 1998 American [[w:television film|made-for-television]] [[w:romantic comedy|romantic comedy film]] produced by [[w:Walt Disney Television|Walt Disney Television]] and premiered as part of [[w:ABC|ABC]]'s revival of [[w:The Wonderful World of Disney|The Wonderful World of Disney]]. Hallie Richmond, the overprotected sixteen-year-old daughter of the President of the United States, just wants to go out on a date. She meets geeky Duncan, who isn't aware of her identity, and the two manage to slip away from [[w:United States Secret Service|Secret Service]] agents for a wild night out. {{center|''Written by [[w:Alex Zamm|Alex Zamm]] and William Robertson. Directed by Alex Zamm.}}<br> {{center|'''She's five minutes late, alert the National Guard.''' tagline.}} == Dialogue == : '''Hallie''': Come on, I want you to meet Daddy. : '''Duncan''': You mean the President?... Of our country? <hr width="50%"/> : '''Duncan''': ''[after buying a $730 outfit]'' What's your policy on returning items? : '''Store Clerk''': There's no return on sale items. : '''Duncan''': Heh. Heh. ''[sobs]'' <hr width="50%"/> : '''Duncan''': I'll pick you up at seven. Where do you live? : '''Hallie''': Oh, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. It's a big white house, you can't miss it. <hr width="50%"/> : '''President Richmond''': I'm not trying to keep her locked up, Carol. Just we have some special...circumstances here. It's not as if she's just some ordinary girl. : '''Carol Richmond''': See? You see? That's just it. She *is* an ordinary girl. Face it George, we are the parents of a real-live, full-fledged teenager! And instance like this are going to happen more often if we try to keep her locked up in an ivory tower. : '''President Richmond''': What about security? : '''Carol Richmond''': That's what the Secret Service are for. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Duncan''': Hallie, uh, why didn't you tell me you were the President's daughter? : '''Hallie''': Oh that must've slipped my mind. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Hallie''': What are your parents gonna do when you get home tonight? : '''Duncan''': Grounded. For Life. No allowance. Oh, and I get to lick the garage clean once a week forever, plus a month. : '''Hallie''': And I won't be allowed to date until I get married. So what difference does it make if we turn ourselves in? Just wait a few more hours. I mean, how much more trouble could we possibly get into? Duncan, this is our last night of freedom. Our last night. Let's at least go to the dance. : '''Duncan''': You know something, Hallie? You're right. You are absolutely right. We should go to that dance because, tomorrow, I'm dead. So why not go now, enjoy the evening, then tomorrow, we kiss the teen years goodbye. Let's go to the dance! <hr width="50%"/> : '''Duncan''': New clothes? Why? What's wrong with the clothes you have on? : '''Hallie''': Duncan! Look at me. : '''Duncan''': What? I think you look nice. : '''Hallie''': I don't wanna look nice. I wanna look...HOT! <hr width="50%"/> : '''Hallie''': ''[off-screen, sing-song voice]'' Ohhhh, Duncan. : '''Duncan''': ''[exasperated]'' Not more dresses. : ''[the curtain pulls back as Hallie steps out of the dressing room, now wearing a sexy bubblegum-pink minidress. She pulls out her hairpin and shakes her hair loose as Duncan stares in awe]'' : '''Hallie''': Well, Duncan, whaddaya think? : ''[She does a 360 twirl to let Duncan take it all in]'' : '''Duncan''': Whoa... <hr width="50%"/> : '''Duncan''': You seem to think that having a normal life is really glamorous, it's not. You wake up in the morning, you go to school, your teachers hassle you, you go home, your parents hassle you, you wake up in the morning, you do it all over again. Having a normal life, it's...really boring. I mean, look at you. You jet-set around the world, you meet really famous people... : '''Hallie''': And every moment of every day is planned and scheduled for me. I mean, I don't even have time to have a boring moment. : '''Duncan''': Not too many of those either since I met you. <hr width="50%"> : ''[Duncan is frantically searching for Hallie and using a phone book to locate Steve Ellinger’s house. He’s wearing a goofy helmet that came with the minibike he stole] : '''Duncan''': ''[knocking on door of a house]'' Hallie! Hallie! : '''Duncan''': ''[door starts to open]'' Heeee- : ''[the owners turn out to be an elderly couple]'' : '''Duncan''': —ellloo. Uh, hi. Sorry. Obviously you’re not Steve Ellinger. Is there a Steve Ellinger, Jr. here this evening? : '''Elderly woman''': Close the door quick, Herb. It’s one of them psychos. ''[door shuts]'' <hr width="50%"> : ''[Hallie insists Duncan try on an expensive leather jacket]'' : '''Hallie''': Oh Duncan, this is so you! : '''Duncan''': ''[looking at himself in mirror]'' Yeah, if I were dating someone named [[w:Yoko Ono|Yoko]]. == Duncan == * ''[repeated line]'' What about the dance? * ''[sees his dad's stolen company car drive past him with three cops behind it]'' I really hate my life. * ''[confessing to Hallie]'' I’m not a rock climber. The only thing I’ve ever actually climbed in my life were stairs. And I’m not a bungee jumper. And the only thing I know about karate is what I saw in the [[w:Jackie Chan|Jackie Chan]] movies. * ''[Hallie and Duncan are crawling on the floor of the movie theater to loose the Secret Service]'' Oh. This isn’t sanitary. Do you have, like, a Wet Nap on you or anything? == Cast == * [[w:Elisabeth Harnois|Elisabeth Harnois]] as Hallie Richmond * [[w:Will Friedle|Will Friedle]] as Duncan Fletcher * [[w:Dabney Coleman|Dabney Coleman]] as President George Richmond * [[w:Mimi Kuzyk|Mimi Kuzyk]] as Carol Richmond * [[w:Jay Thomas|Jay Thomas]] as Charles Fletcher * Wanda Cannon as Rita Fletcher * Chantal Leblanc-Everett as Tracy Fletcher * Grant Nickalls as Steve Ellinger * [[w:Adam Reid|Adam Reid]] as Reid Bosshardt * [[w:Nicole de Boer|Nicole de Boer]] as Bonnie * [[w:Polly Shannon|Polly Shannon]] as store clerk * [[w:Frank Moore (Canadian actor)|Frank Moore]] as Dan Thornhill * [[w:Paulo Costanzo|Paulo Costanzo]] as Arthur * Howard Jerome as Larry * [[w:Ron Reagan|Ron Reagan]] as guard == External links == ''[https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0151683/quotes My Date with the President's Daughter]'' quotes at the [[w:Internet Movie Database|Internet Movie Database]] [[Category: American films]] [[Category: 1998 films]] [[Category: Television films]] [[Category: Comedy television films]] [[Category: Comedy films]] k58e931uepnxl77yss4nzqsghswza4c 0 250235 3158072 2022-08-26T05:00:42Z BD2412 3982 BD2412 moved page [[Study Series]] to [[Maria V. Snyder.]]: Per outcome of VfD. wikitext text/x-wiki #REDIRECT [[Maria V. Snyder.]] i7drrqohsblydx28jsv57butp9tiy6n 3158076 3158072 2022-08-26T05:08:26Z BD2412 3982 correction wikitext text/x-wiki #REDIRECT [[Maria V. Snyder]] j6ivx481srq9s7ewxqkaczfs3puhcfb 0 250236 3158077 2022-08-26T05:16:14Z BD2412 3982 redirect from no middle initial wikitext text/x-wiki #REDIRECT [[Maria V. Snyder]] j6ivx481srq9s7ewxqkaczfs3puhcfb 0 250238 3158115 2022-08-26T11:32:58Z سارامسعودی 3130440 Created page with "Siavash Shahsavari (Persian: سیاوش شهسواری He was born in October 10, 1987 in Qazvin Province is Iranian musician. better known by his stage name Siavash (Persian: سیاوش), is an Iran singer. Persian speaking world.pianist, violinist[2], guitarist who plays both Spanish and electric guitar, mandolin, harmonica, percussion, oud ,Kokhon ,Dulcimer. When he was only 4 he was playing a handmade instrument which helped him realize his talent and capability to..." wikitext text/x-wiki Siavash Shahsavari (Persian: سیاوش شهسواری He was born in October 10, 1987 in Qazvin Province is Iranian musician. better known by his stage name Siavash (Persian: سیاوش), is an Iran singer. Persian speaking world.pianist, violinist[2], guitarist who plays both Spanish and electric guitar, mandolin, harmonica, percussion, oud ,Kokhon ,Dulcimer. When he was only 4 he was playing a handmade instrument which helped him realize his talent and capability to play the instrument. When he grew up, he chose the piano and violin as his main instrument at the Conservatory of Music. Siavash studied music in Vienna where he got his master's degree. fihy0w8itdq6htx50d8j1lnm0s1d4lf 3158116 3158115 2022-08-26T11:35:56Z سارامسعودی 3130440 wikitext text/x-wiki Siavash Shahsavari (Persian: سیاوش شهسواری He was born in October 10, 1987 in Qazvin Province is Iranian musician. better known by his stage name Siavash (Persian: سیاوش), is an Iran singer. Persian speaking world.pianist, violinist[2], guitarist who plays both Spanish and electric guitar, mandolin, harmonica, percussion, oud ,Kokhon ,Dulcimer. When he was only 4 he was playing a handmade instrument which helped him realize his talent and capability to play the instrument. When he grew up, he chose the piano and violin as his main instrument at the Conservatory of Music. Siavash studied music in Vienna where he got his master's degree. * Music is an effective art that can make people feel very good and therefore, considering the spread of the Corona disease, we feel that this art can affect people's mood because it can change people's mood in any situation. <ref>'''[https://www.irna.ir/news/84101992/%D9%BE%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B2%D9%86 %D8%A8%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%B9%D8%B3%D9%84-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%DB%B6%DB%B0-%D8%AB%D8 %A7%D9%86%DB%8C%D9%87 IRNA's exclusive interview with Siavash Shahsvari] IRNA News'''</ref> == Footnote == {{footer}} {{Wikipedia}} [[Category: People of Iran]] [[Category: Iranians living in Los Angeles]] [[Category:Iranian pop singers]] [[Category:Iranian composers]] kt78epnc7qt8u7btycg4v1wh9muy1rq 3158117 3158116 2022-08-26T11:39:11Z سارامسعودی 3130440 wikitext text/x-wiki Siavash Shahsavari (Persian: سیاوش شهسواری He was born in October 10, 1987 in Qazvin Province is Iranian musician. better known by his stage name Siavash (Persian: سیاوش), is an Iran singer. Persian speaking world.pianist, violinist[2], guitarist who plays both Spanish and electric guitar, mandolin, harmonica, percussion, oud ,Kokhon ,Dulcimer. When he was only 4 he was playing a handmade instrument which helped him realize his talent and capability to play the instrument. When he grew up, he chose the piano and violin as his main instrument at the Conservatory of Music. Siavash studied music in Vienna where he got his master's degree.[[File:Siavash Shahsavari.jpg|Bangle| IRNA news agency's interview with Siavash Shahsavari]] * Music is an effective art that can make people feel very good and therefore, considering the spread of the Corona disease, we feel that this art can affect people's mood because it can change people's mood in any situation. <ref>'''[https://www.irna.ir/news/84101992/%D9%BE%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%A8%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%B9%D8%B3%D9%84-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%DB%B6%DB%B0-%D8%AB%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C%D9%87 IRNA news agency's interview with Siavash Shahsavari] IRNA NEWS'''</ref> == Footnote == {{footer}} {{Wikipedia}} [[Category: People of Iran]] [[Category: Iranians living in Los Angeles]] [[Category:Iranian pop singers]] [[Category:Iranian composers]] 7ktf5esvu1vmnacrfgjytvunk3y3d65 3158118 3158117 2022-08-26T11:43:33Z سارامسعودی 3130440 wikitext text/x-wiki Siavash Shahsavari (Persian: سیاوش شهسواری He was born in October 10, 1987 in Qazvin Province is Iranian musician. better known by his stage name Siavash (Persian: سیاوش), is an Iran singer. Persian speaking world.pianist, violinist[2], guitarist who plays both Spanish and electric guitar, mandolin, harmonica, percussion, oud ,Kokhon ,Dulcimer. When he was only 4 he was playing a handmade instrument which helped him realize his talent and capability to play the instrument. When he grew up, he chose the piano and violin as his main instrument at the Conservatory of Music. Siavash studied music in Vienna where he got his master's degree. [[File:Siavash Shahsavari.jpg|IRNA news agency's interview with Siavash Shahsavari]] * Music is an effective art that can make people feel very good and therefore, considering the spread of the Corona disease, we feel that this art can affect people's mood because it can change people's mood in any situation. <ref>'''[https://www.irna.ir/news/84101992/%D9%BE%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%A8%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%B9%D8%B3%D9%84-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%DB%B6%DB%B0-%D8%AB%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C%D9%87 IRNA news agency's interview with Siavash Shahsavari] IRNA NEWS'''</ref> 3ekgogijrxa35ewoyc1fx9ksohx7tur